FUSE Issue 44

Fuse.

Kaiser Chiefs Doug Stanhope

Game & Film adaptations: The good, the bad and the weird

SHORT FUSE

Smackdown, ‘pedigrees’ and ‘people’s elbows’ As the youngest of three brothers growing up in the 90s, it’s safe to say that wrestling had a huge influence on my relationship with my siblings.

As the youngest and lightest I was subject to numerous ‘Pedigrees’, ‘People’s Elbows’ and ‘3Ds’.

Falling shy of being put through the Spanish Announcement Table, WWF (or as it is now known WWE) was, despite its safety warnings, thoroughly tried and tested at home.

Fast forward 10 years and I find myself and a number of housemates huddled around my laptop as we watch YouTube clips of the infamous TLC match between the Hardy Boyz, Edge and Christian and the Dudleys.

Whilst bringing back glorious memories of applying the ‘Swanton Bomb’ to my willing brother from the dizzying heights of our multi-purpose Fisher Price gaming table, watching that match reignited my interest in wrestling and furthers the argument that I ought to be better utilising my final days at

university.

Needless to say, my Sky+ box was soon series-linked to the events of Monday night Raw and Late Night Smackdown.

But after a few evenings of guilty viewing, harking back to the days of braces and faltering vocal chords, it has become clear that wrestling just isn’t as good as it used to be.

Whilst this oft-repeated argument is one that I concluded in the midnoughties with the amalgamation of the ECW brand into the WWE, it’s difficult not to lament in the way that teenage girls did when Gary announced that the band was breaking-up.

As a child of the Attitude Era when the championship belts could be in the hands of a number of worthy heroes including StoneCold Steve Austin, Triple H, The Rock and Mankind, today’s entertainment is far too predictable and the characters increasingly lackluster.

This is in part due to the WWE’s return in the last decade to a comicbased, family orientated structure– hence

the atrocious ECW experiment to satiate the older fans.

It is with this in mind that the great sports entertainment spectacle that is Wrestlemania instills less and less excitement each year.

With my interest rekindled by YouTube’s joyful reminder, my first re-engagement with current storylines saw the Undertaker return to announce the start of the ‘Road to Wrestlemania’ with his ceremonially elongated ring-walk and a stare-off with Triple H. Unfortunately, I’d seen this before.

Wrestlemania is now considered the ‘Dead Man’s’ show as a result of his spectacularly scripted ‘nineteen and oh’ winning streak at the marquee event.

Looking at match cards from recent Wrestlemanias passed the WWE’s decline is well documented by the company’s dependency on a number of figures from the Attitude Era to draw ratings.

This year’s event sees a re-hashing of last year’s ‘No Holds Barred’ match between

The film industry runs to a calendar that’s pretty easy to read. Summer brings us bigbudget blockbusters and animated films to shut up the whiny children on their school holidays.

Winter brings us heart-warming Christmas movies.

And then there’s awards season: those magical two months at the start of the New Year when filmmakers come together to slap each other on the back.

Or, to put it another way, a long-winded waste of time and money that’s more pointless than the entire cast of Twilight put together.

I’m not saying there shouldn’t be awards.

Of course there should be awards. There are some truly amazing films out there, and they deserve recognition for being the archetype of the art form.

Plus there’s the matter of incentive – frankly I think Meryl Streep and Woody Allen would have given up by now if they didn’t keep getting nominated for things.

But there are just so many of the damned things. The Oscars, the BAFTAs, the Golden Globes, the Annie Award, the Saturn Award, the Silver Acorn… I think I made that one up.

But there are hundreds of these awards, and as far as I can tell they all get given

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Friday March 2 2012

And the award for stupidest farce goes to…

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to the same films – sure, there are separate awards for horror films or sci-fi, but they get locked away in the basement like a bunch of acne-faced, bespectacled virgins.

Which, to be honest, is probably an accurate description of the judging panel for those awards.

The nominations always feel so one-sided too: as soon as one film starts to win something, everyone jumps on the proverbial bandwagon.

I know that everyone can’t be a winner, but every year there are stories of great talent tragically overlooked – as (Forge Screen Editor) Tom Wardak wrote last week, overlooking Gary Oldman’s performance in Tinker Tailor was just criminal.

But I could overlook all of this if it weren’t for the simple fact that the evenings I’ve spent watching these award shows have to be some of the most boring evenings I’ve ever spent in my life. And I’ve watched Titanic.

They have all the excitement of a state funeral, with a fancier dress code and an even longer run time. Unless they’re injecting Red Bull into their veins, I don’t know how the guys from Fuse are going to stay up to tweet about them – personally I’d fall asleep about halfway through the nominations for “Best Sub-

liminal Product Placement in a Movie Trailer.”

As I write this, the whole world is preparing for this evening’s Oscars, the 84th to be precise. Call me crazy, but I doubt that they will buck the trend very much.

I doubt that even the great Billy Crystal can do anything to alleviate the mind-numbing, buttock-clenching boredom, and this year, Sacha Baron Cohen has been told that he will not be welcome at the ceremony if he comes in the guise of his newest creation, The Dictator.

I mean yes, he’s about as funny as a bag of wasps, but at least he’s trying to liven things up.

Still, there is one awards ceremony I enjoy.

The Golden Raspberry Awards, commonly shortened to the Razzies, are given every year to the absolute worst pieces of crap on the silver screen.

It’s a mock ceremony like the Oscars crossed with a celebrity roast, and it’s hilarious. Although, this year, I think they should change the format, just to stay ahead.

All the nominees get coated in green slime, and all the winners get electrocuted with a cattle prod.

At least it’d be more fun to watch.

the Undertaker and Triple H –both now in their forties- in a ‘Hell in a Cell’ match.

Alongside it is the prospect of the Rock returning from a seven year hiatus to fight John Cena, who as one of the only charismatic characters left appears to have transcended the titles on offer.

For superstars from the golden age of the ‘Monday Night Wars’ to be returning from such prolonged hiatuses – the Undertaker gets the rest of the year off – and the headline matches no longer reserved for the championship titles, the WWE seems to be nearing the abyss.

The next generation of wrestlers required to carry the event are few and far between and those that can appear to be in a very small pool.

Maybe I should return to my books and accept that the WWE is for a new set of fans, or save the wrestling with my brother for trips to Wacky Warehouse with his young family.

Tim Wood

Editorial

Much has happend over the last fortnight which has shocked and amused us here at Fuse; from One Direction winning best single of the year at the Brits, to the crazy amount of women proposing to their men on February 29 because it’s a leap-year.

As we edge closer to summer, the festival line-ups are being announced and we are very excited. V Festival have redeemed themselves this year with a halfdecent line-up with Stone Roses, The Killers and Snow Patrol headlining - a stark improvement on last year’s ‘chav fest’.

So with exam results looming, enjoy the calm before the storm, grab your festival tickets and look forward to the not-so-distant summer.

James Garrett Rachel Dixon

Phil Bayles

This issue’s front cover was designed by the very talented Tim Rooker.

(Issue 43 cover Sam Bolton)

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sell a lot of singles or anything like that, so it’s just a good excuse to make something that can exist online as well as play at shows. Those two kind of go together like that.

How’s the recording of your debut album going?

Obvious question – how would you describe your music to someone who hasn’t heard you before?

Really really good. We’re 70 per cent there at the moment, and tying up old and new stuff together, blending that together to make the perfect body of work that sums up the last three years. Which is proving to be the biggest task of all the things involved!

I guess...we’re big, harmonious, choral music. The songs are pretty huge and there’s a lot of things going on, a lot of instruments and a lot of voices. But the live show’s five guys have a lot of fun, doing something that they really love.

head of their gig at Plug on March 11, Rob Milton, singer of indie-pop quintet Dog Is Dead chatted to Fuse about their upcoming album and how they feel about being Nottingham’s hottest band.

That’s awesome. You’ve had a few EPs and singles out; what do you think is more important between recorded work and getting a reputation for performing live?

I think the two go hand in hand really; I mean, we built up as a live band and we’ve played constantly, and I think that’s been the biggest part of our development. But then, it’s always good to have an excuse to play live, like releasing a single does! I think, at the moment we’re in a weird position, we’re never gonna

Are you excited about your upcoming tour?

Yeah definitely. It’s gonna be the biggest string of shows we’ve done, ever. It’s quite a big tour, but that’s what we love so it’s gonna be a lot of fun.

Can we expect anything special?

I think the live show’s getting bigger and bigger all the time, and I think we’ve kind of reached a point where we can deliver a pretty exciting show every night, and something relatively fresh.

You must be sick of this question by now, but is the Nottingham music scene still good?

I thought you were going to ask about the band name! It’s weird because historically, Nottingham’s produced nothing, so it’s strange, especially being like, half an hour away from Leicester, who have Kasabian, and an hour from Sheffield, who have everyone.

Growing up, making music in Nottingham has been really easy and a nice experience to have, there’s always been opportunities to play shows. And once you establish yourself, you have the support of the whole city, so it’s very weird that it never happened for anyone before and it’s a big weight on our shoulders.

But at the moment...if you’d call it a scene, the scene’s thriving, and there’s a few people doing interesting things, in a slightly more segregated way than in Leeds or Sheffield, but everyone wishes each other well, so it’s still friendly.

How was it filming the video to ‘Two Devils’? It’s quite dark...

SHORT FUSE

Q&A : Dog is Dead

We were working with this great director and everyone on set was brilliant. The devil, called Colin, was pretty cool. It was just a lot of fun, and they built this whole set for free in this warehouse and transformed the place. It was totally nuts!

Would you say that there are certain themes to your music?

I think there’s a whole thing that ties it all together; there’s a channel of youth and innocence that starts out, but then there’s stuff like ‘Two Devils’ which is about guilt and consumption, and all sorts of bad and dark things. I think the two go together quite interestingly, and I don’t know if that’s accidental or if it’s our progression from being kids in a band to growing up a little bit.

Brilliant. Well, one more question. Is there anything you’ve been listening to lately that you’d recommend?

I’m really into Theme Park lately, they’re really great. Been listening to a lot of Whitest Boy.

It was really cool, it was definitely one of the highlights of the last couple of years.

Coral Williamson

Fuse was happy to hear that.. a garden centre has launched its own range of ice cream for dogs. Garden centre chain Dobbies has launched Billy and Margots range of frozen goods. The ice cream comes in four flavours; strawberry, apple, banana and carrot, and will go on sale next month for £2.99.

The tortoise has gone on display in Kiev where visitors will be able to observe the different eating habits of each head over the next two months. Apparently the two heads are quite different and they even have different eating habits. The left prefers green food whereas the right likes brightly coloured food such as carrots.

Fuse finds it most glorious that... a two-headed tortoise exists.

Fuse was a little concerned by... the news that Sex Pistols will

be returning to our music scene, after signing a record deal with Universal. Once known as one of the most controversial punk bands of all time, the guys are back. Advertising butter just isn’t exciting enough for our Mr. Rotten apparently.

Fuse finds it disturbing that... a mother has bought her daughter £8,000 woth of cosmetic surgery vouchers for her eighth birthday. Sarah Burge who has spent more than £250,000 on surgery herself belives that it’s perfectly normal for her daughter to be introduced to the world of botox, facelifts and nose jobs. Fuse thinks she is an early contender for Mother of the Year.

Fuse.

Fuse was interested to learn that... there is a new world’s shortest man. Chandra Bahadur Dangi who lives in Nepal was measured by the Guiness World Records team at 21.5 inches, declaring the 73-year-old even shorter than the previous title holder Junrey Balawing who stood at 23.5 inches.

Friday March 2 2012

Fuse Musings

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MUSIC

Interview. KAISER CHIEFS

Riots and Rubies Kaiser Chiefs’ Simon Rix talks to Sam Bolton about their risky fourth album, a stagnating music industry and a love of Young MC.

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few hours before Kaiser Chiefs are due to take to the stage in Sheffield’s O2 Academy a small queue has begun to form outside. The band’s die-hard fans are eager to see them bring in the roof of the uncharacteristically small venue.

“We’ve played some really nice theatre venues.”

as a tour highlight for Rix. “We did a video for a song there on Saturday. It’s a nice looking place and it’s got those old style bouncy wooden floors so it’s good for a gig… We’ve got a song called ‘On the Run’, it’s just a single in America at the moment, but it’s gonna come out here at some point.”

“We’ve always tried to do interesting things”

Kaiser Chief’s most recent tour follows the band’s fourth album, The Future is Medieval;

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Inside, roadies are moving masses of flight cases, lighting technicians are perfecting their cues and Ricky Wilson is chow-

ing down on a questionable looking spaghetti bolognaise.

In the Academy’s production office, a room that looks like it moonlights as an interrogation room in a low budget cop show, we’re introduced to Simon Rix, the band’s bassist and native Leeds lad.

Their Sheffield date marks the mid-point of the band’s most recent tour, a tour which Rix says has been a bit different to ones they’re used to.

“This tour, for various reasons, has been in smaller venues but one of the good things about smaller venues is that they’re a bit more interesting. They’re not just big boxes out of town. We’ve played some really nice theatre venues.”

Blackpool’s Empress Ballroom stands out

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Photos: Jodie Kershaw and postmoderngirl/Flickr

MUSIC

“Even though we think as a band we’ve always tried to do interesting things, I don’t think the general perception of Kaiser Chiefs is that way; experimental in any way, shape or form. It was good to do something to make people think that we do

any more. They got their funding removed two weeks before the CD was due to come out.”

“We were trying to embrace what’s great about digital music”

This unfortunate turn of events has meant that the band had to cancel a tour in the States and reschedule it for March, directly after their UK tour finishes.

A tour which as Rix says has a nice balance of “Riots and Rubies”, tracks from the new album and some brand new tracks: “Lots of fun times and singing and lots of clapping and jumping. Just good times.”

Whilst Rix does consider some music “disposable”, there’s a lot of music he’s passionate about. “There’s a band called Transfer who are from San Diego, they supported us in Europe and they’re going to support us in America as well. They’re an excellent band you should check out.

“Pulled Apart By Horses’ album, it’s a good album. They’re very good and they’re from Leeds obviously, so I’ve got to give them 100 per cent support.”

Finally Rix name-drops Young MC, yes, as in ‘Bust A Move’, as an artist he’s been listening to recently. Music tastes don’t get much more eclectic than that.

Fuse.

“We wanted to do something different to make it exciting for us”

think about how we sell our music, what it is and how we are perceived.

“We wanted to do something different and interesting to make it exciting for us. As much as I think doing it that way hopefully grabbed people’s imaginations and got them involved in listening to us, I think one of the major factors in doing it that way was to do something interesting for us, so we weren’t just making another album.”

It seems then that The Future is Medieval was a statement against a stagnating industry and an industry that has made music “disposable”. Rix recalls that when you release an album, it always follows the same path. “With the music industry you get to know what the plan is, and every band is doing the same thing… it’s just the same plan for everybody. So we just wanted to try and do something different.”

With the album they were also “trying to embrace what’s great about digital music.”

Rix says. “[Digital music] is accessible, anyone can get it anywhere in the world and you can get it quickly. One day we just put all the songs on the internet and everybody could have them if they wanted.”

Across the pond, the physical version of The Future is Medieval never got released so in an interesting move, Kaiser Chiefs have rebranded, renamed and reworked the album; it’s the same release, but refreshed and brought up to date. Of course this wasn’t the original plan, as Rix explains, “The actual record company, I’m not quite sure how you describe it; they don’t exist

Friday March 2 2012

although ‘album’ may be a slightly simplistic way of looking at the release. The Future is Medieval was released digitally on June 3 2011 via its own website, fans were then given the option to choose 10 songs from a selection of 20, creating a sort of bespoke album tailored to the listeners interests.

It was a brave release, but it did garner the band a little bit of attention following their brief hiatus and won them a few awards including a Q Innovation in Sound award. “Innovation of Sound was a bit unusual as it was the technique of selling that was unique.”

Obviously whenever you go against the norm, particularly when you go against what the music industry expects from you, there are risks involved but Rix looks favourably at the release, “I think it was something unexpected.

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ARTS

Interview. DOUG STANHOPE

Interview: Doug Stanhope Photo: JimiG

Fuse.

Friday March 2 2012

Ahead of his longest tour yet, Doug Stanhope talks to Rowan Ramsden about politics, alcoholism and the downside of being on the road.

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D

oug Stanhope’s angry. Exceptionally angry. It takes a remarkable amount of despair to even come close to his levels of misanthropy.

Over his lengthy career he’s directed his anger at everyone from politicians to those who insist on procreating. He’s made some enemies along the way but Stanhope’s unapologetic style has earned him a loyal fan base.

Despite it being early evening when I call, it’s not quite lunchtime in the US. I’m assured Doug interviews better when he’s intoxicated. I’m not optimistic.

It quickly transpires he isn’t high. He isn’t even drunk. “Morning”, he begins the conversation in disappointingly high spirits. Maybe we have a shot at a coherent interview after all.

I mention that his tour starts the following day.

“I have no idea what I’m talking about yet.

“A perfect show would be a 100 per cent improvised but I don’t think that’s ever happened in my career, you try to have enough stock material that you know will work and then hopefully you come upw with other stuff and don’t have to use it.”

Stanhope is a firm believer in avoiding mediocrity

at all costs. He’s attracted controversy in the past for his sets addressing gang-rape, 9/11, suicide and paedophilia.

“I’d be happy with a benevolent dictator, I think democracy is completely flawed when you see the people that are allowed to have opinions and vote” “I still try to test my own audience. I try not to cheerlead too much but that gets harder and harder to do when people know who you are and they like you, they tend to go along with it regardless.

“They might not even agree but they still go along with you because they like you.

“Although I can’t really complain too much that my audience likes me.”

Considering his past record, the idea of Stanhope’s audience being on side is a decidedly novel concept.

Back in 2006 he was booked to appear on several bills at the Kilkenny Comedy Festival; he managed to perform for 10 minutes before having all his remaining slots cancelled. How? It was something to do with the line: Irish men sleep with children, because - as the headline to the following day’s Irish Daily Star put it “Irish women are too ugly to rape!” Yeah, it’s a definite crowd pleaser.

With this in mind, you’d think Stanhope’s conscious would be littered with past-material regrets.

“No”, he’s quick to respond, “Although there’s an awful lot of stuff I don’t remember.

“Maybe I do, I just can’t remember.

“I try to avoid topics that have a better than 50 per cent chance of leading to physical violence from the audience. I’ll admit that much.”

standpoint.”

So who gets Stanhope’s vote this time?

“I watch politics the same way I watch football, it’s all entertainment to me.

“I’m backing Ron Paul as he’s the only guy that’s interesting at all.”

So where do we go from here? After 15 minutes of Stanhope’s misanthropy and cynicism, I’m left with very little more than the notion that humanity is profoundly fucked. Oh dear.

“The biggest threat to freedom is apathy.

“People just don’t seem to give a shit whether their rights are infringed upon, people would trade away most of their life for a free ride.”

Back in 2008, pre-Obama years, Stanhope launched his own Presidential campaign.

“Well that’s what the plan was but it all fell about pretty quickly when I realised how much paper work, red tape and bullshit were involved and it stopped being funny so I just quit.

“I’m really good at quitting.”

So you packed in the opportunity to single-handedly save humanity? Now there’s something to add to your none-existant list of regrets, Doug.

I blame apathy.

We’re almost out of time and it’s time to wrap up the interview. For a man whose comedy is so outspoken and antagonistic, Doug Stanhope is surprisingly easy to talk to. His answer’s are sharp-witted and sincere. And nei-

“UK audiences are more polite, a lot more quiet, every single time you go back to the UK you have to adjust to the way they are, you immediately think they fucking hate you”

ARTS

Is he being evasive? Unlikely. Stanhope’s almost always drunk on stage.

“I’ve done shows sober but it’s been many, many years, the last one I remember was probably about eight or nine years ago and it was only because I was doing about 25 or 30 minutes on a mixed bill at a college and they had no alcohol.”

It’s chaotic but endearing to watch, like listening to the nihilistic old guy propped up against the bar at closing time, still knocking back single malt and telling you about where it all went wrong. Maybe this is why he translates so well to a UK audience. Brits, like Stanhope, are fucking miserable.

There’s a difference in UK audiences that not all comedians from the States can contend with.

“UK audiences are more polite, a lot more quiet, you get less heckles, it’s more like being in the theatre. Every single time you go back to the UK you have to adjust to the way they are.

“You immediately think they fucking hate you.

“A lot of time in the US it feels more like you’re hosting a wet t-shirt competition.”

Stanhope’s overwhelming success in the UK comes partially as a result of his appearances on Charlie Brooker’s Newswipe. Is he tempted to go into television after he bows out of the standup circuit?

“I don’t really have a head for high definition.

“If you’ve done standup for a living everything else is a pain in the arse, TV doesn’t have the same payoff and media gratification that live stand up has so everything else pales in comparison.

“I wish I’d started out doing something else, I’d appreciate stand-up more.”

The idea of Stanhope retiring from stand-up might seem ridiculous. After all, right now he’s at his peak, selling out enormous venues. But he’s been working for years to get to this point.

“I’m getting old so I prefer being as close to home as possible. I love doing shows in the UK, it’s just I don’t like being away from my dogs.

“There’s parts of it you get tired of; I always love staying in hotels, and I like flying but I guess I miss my shit.

“After seven weeks of being in the UK you’re just like hey where’s my stuff, where’s my socks?”

ther of us are drunk. I tell him that I’ll be at the show in Chesterfield.

“Chesterfield” he laughs, “I love this tour, I’ve never heard of any of these towns I’m playing.

“The less witnesses the better, I suppose.”

“I try to avoid topics that have a better than 50 per cent chance of leading to physical violence from the audience”

Friday March 2 2012

Fuse.

So how is he feeling ahead his tour?

“This tour’s going to be fun because it’s all over the place.

“Last year I did a five week stay at the Leicester Square theatre which was really catching because you’re in the same place and it’s basically Times Square, chaotic and fucking overpriced.

“This one’s going to be: play a show, stir up shit and jump in a car every morning and put it in the rear view mirror.”

Stanhope’s come a long way since he first gave stand up a shot at an open-mic in Las Vegas. That was over 20 years ago. Surely after such a long period he’s running out of things to be angry about? He promises to call it a day once that happens. Stanhope doesn’t want to find himself in the position where he has to invent things to be pissed off about.

A lot of Stanhope’s material focuses on his disillusion ment with politics. With the ongoing Republican primaries in the States, it seemed inevitable we’d get onto this topic.

“I have no idea what’s going on, I know none of them have a shot at winning. It’s ridiculous to watch, I don’t really give a shit who’s the President.

“I’d be happy with a benevolent dictator, I think democracy is completely flawed when you see the kind of people that are allowed to have opinions and vote.

“I think that democracy is a bad, bad thing.”

He openly backed Obama in his presidential bid.

Why? “For lack of a better person.

“By default, only in the sense if I have to watch one of these arseholes on TV everyday, I’d rather pick the one that’s least offensive to watch.

“I backed Obama purely from an entertainment

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GAMES & SCREEN

Feature. GAME AND FILM ADAPTATIONS When the worlds of gaming and film cross paths, the results can vary. In a special joint feature, Ellen Jurczak and Tom Fletcher take a look at the good, the bad, and the downright bizarre of game and film adaptations.

THE GOOD

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (2005)

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Fuse.

Friday March 2 2012

et’s be honest: no transition from videogame to film has been an entirely smooth one. Go on Rotten Tomatoes and you won’t find a single such adaptation with a rating above 40 per cent.

Name any film of a game and you’ll find endless people complaining on the internet about how the film-makers completely missed the point and ruined their favourite game ever, but the truth of the matter may well be that something is simply lost in moving from the immersion only videogames can offer to the distance of the silver screen.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children also has many naysayers but at least this straight to DVD release, actually a sequel to the infinitely

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popular 1997 game Final Fantasy VII, kept the spirit and ethos of the original game, built on its already rich mythology and gave gamers a chance to see their favourite characters transform from chubby cuboid PS1-era graphics to beautifully rendered CGI creations. Each looks spectacular, and even if there is an over-abundance of black leather in the new outfit designs they fit in well with the visually stunning, yet utterly bleak environment of Midgar City. Also, they all have really shiny and pretty hair.

The plot may be convoluted and unnecessarily confusing, but then the same can be said for the game itself. The greatest asset of both remains the same: its villain, Sephiroth. Seeing him emerge through the flames with his unfeasibly large sword was enough to have any fanboy squealing with joy. Plus the fight scenes were awesome.

EJ

Goldeneye 007 (1997)

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t’s a no brainer really, isn’t it? There has never been a greater game adaptation of a film than Goldeneye and it’s quite likely that there won’t be for a number of years.

Let’s get one thing clear: this game is in no way related to the tragic Goldeneye Reloaded, in which some numbskulls thought inserting Daniel Craig into the Goldeneye story would yield anything other than disastrous results.

In 1997, Goldeneye 007 was released on the N64. In no time at all, first person shooters became frontrunners in the gaming industry.

Even today games are struggling to replicate the atmosphere of a film so well; the game features a likeness of Sean Bean, for goodness sake.

While the single player story mode was nothing short of outstanding, this game really came into its own as a pioneer for modern multiplayer gaming.

Sure, Call of Duty and Battlefield are continually revolutionising the genre, but all modern shooters have grown from the seed Rareware planted with Goldeneye 007.

Having said that, this game doesn’t even feel dated by today’s standards. The frame rate may struggle when you jovially set off a few hundred remote mines, but you will have as much fun playing this game now as you will any modern shooter.

Many attempts have been made, including the adequate Agent Under Fire and the enjoyable Quantum of Solace game, but none have really gotten close, which is a shame.

Sorry Call of Duty fans, Goldeneye still reigns supreme.

TF

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here is something about film adaptations of games that just doesn’t work. Whatever it is, you just can’t put your finger on it.

One thing is for certain though, no film has gotten it as spectacularly wrong as the gruesomely bad Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

Whether it’s the camp outfits, hilarious one liners, or a soundtrack featuring such musical heavyweights as Scooter (apparently Hans Zimmer was unavailable), this is, quite simply, one of the worst films ever made.

In an attempt to squeeze as many characters from the games into 90 minutes as possible, each of them is presented

with so little personal depth that they may as well have been replaced with highly trained household furniture.

In fairness to the minds behind this film, Annihilation does stay true to the games, from outfits, to scenery, to Scorpion shouting “Get over here!” several times in one fight. Sure, it sounds just like you’re playing the game, but this is what makes the film so bad.

The truth is that video games like this simply can’t be translated onto film without looking and sounding like a monumental piss-take.

It’s difficult to critique a story like this though. Kubrick himself would have struggled to write a decent screenplay about a troupe of mystical warriors in spandex saving the world from a dragon and a lovely thonged lady with four arms.

TF

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

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any game releases of popular films can, at best, be described as a cynical attempt at a quick cash-in and as a result suffer from rushed development, poor story and even worse gameplay. But the worst of the bunch remains 1982’s attempt to make some extra money out of the

Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga (2007)

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here is something completely surreal and yet utterly brilliant about pretty much all of the Lego versions of films, but the Star Wars saga stands out in particular.

Whether it is a decidedly unsexy square Leia in her golden bikini ruining many male’s fantasies or Darth Vader explaining Luke’s heritage to him by pointing at a family photo, this game is just full of eccentric fun.

The light, irreverent tone takes some getting used to, but you quickly forgive it for frequently sending up the films many feel the need to treat so reverently, because the results are just so hilarious.

This collection allows you to play

children’s classic, E.T. Frequently called the worst game of all time, let alone worst film to game adaptation, E.T. the ExtraTerrestrial was rushed out for the Christmas market, giving the programmers only five weeks to put it together and it really showed.

The gameplay was poorly executed and mindnumbingly boring. One of the repeated motifs involved the little alien having to jump into pits to retrieve parts of his telephone and hide from government scientists.

You then had to painstakingly levitate him out of these pits and when he reached the top, you had a split second to stop the levitating action or E.T. fell right back into the pit and you had to start all over

again.

On average, getting out of a pit would take seven or eight attempts. Then you had to go look in another pit. And another. And another...

Worse still, Atari only managed to sell less than 40 per cent of the game cartridges and had thousands returned, then managed to cause even more of an uproar by disposing of their worthless surplus in a New Mexico landfill. Just like E.T. would have wanted.

EJ

GAMES & SCREEN

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

THE BAD

THE JUST PLAIN WEIRD

through the original trilogy as well as the more recent prequels, and manages to offer a very wide variety of levels which rarely feels repetitive.

This is helped by the hugely extensive cast you get to play as, with the option to unlock more minor characters as the game progresses, with 160 potential playable characters in total, then replay levels as them. If, for instance, you happen to think Kit Fisto is the coolest Jedi of them all, in Free Play mode you can run around as the green, tentacleheaded alien to your heart’s content.

Admittedly, it doesn’t pose the slightest challenge for even the most casual of gamers (dying just means exploding into coins then instantly reforming) but have a load of friends round to play and it is hours of childish, colourful, unadulterated fun. Just pity the poor person who has to be C3-P0.

EJ

T

Fuse.

here are no superlatives in any dictionary in the world to adequately describe this film.

Bob Hoskins called it the ‘biggest mistake’ of his whole career. He and costar John Leguziamo reportedly resorted to alcoholism on set in order to make it through the ordeal.

This knowledge makes their performances all the more stunning.

Remember, this film was released before it was an established truth that film adaptations of games are largely tosh.

Flamethrowers, police cars with ploughs on, Goombas with parka coats, and a hell of a lot of sticky yellow fungus; in retrospect, director Annabel Jankel couldn’t have missed the

point of the game by a greater distance, which is an achievement in itself. It is little wonder how she found no directorial work for 12 years following the film’s release.

So Mario and Luigi are plumbers from Brooklyn who find themselves transported to a ‘Mushroom Kingdom’ of sorts, in order to rescue Princess Daisy from the evil King Koopa.

The whole shebang is like a fabulous magic mushroom trip, and that’s before you are introduced to Dennis Hopper ordering a dinosaur pizza with gills on his head. Make no mistake, this film is a stroke of comic genius that everyone must watch.

In reality, of course, the film is a complete shambles. But that’s not to say that it isn’t the most critically acclaimed film ever to be made about plumbers meeting dinosaurs in a dystopian Brooklyn.

TF

Friday March 2 2012

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

9

MUSIC

Reviews.RELEASES

Dry The River Shallow Bed RCA Records 8/10

D

ry the River, described by frontman Peter Liddle as ‘folky gospel music played by a postpunk band’, have come a long way and have begun to gain some well-deserved recognition.

With debut album Shallow Bed, the differing musical backgrounds of each member of the quintet reveal themselves through a diverse and unique

The Shins

Port of Morrow Aural Apothecary 10/10

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h, how we’ve missed The Shins. Port of Morrow, their first album in five years, is a welcome return to James Mercer’s unique brand of indie-rock (especially if you considered Wincing the Night Away in 2007 to be more than a little disappointing).

The album opens strongly with ‘The Rifle’s Spiral’ and ‘Simple Song’, both of which have already been paraded around the internet to much well-deserved praise.

Fortunately, the second half of the album is just as good as the first. From start to finish, Port of Morrow delights and intrigues in a variety of ways, often with timeless guitar rhythms and catchy percussion.

Even slower moments remain highlights, such as the sad yet somehow still romantic, ‘For A Fool’, which sees Mercer lamenting “The way we used to carry on / is stuck in my head like a terrible song.”

That said, it’s placed next to the triumphantly upbeat ‘Fall of ‘82’, with bouncy, almost Strokeslike guitars, which makes for an interesting tracklisting to say the least. sound. As a whole, the album is brilliant to listen to, drawing on many different influences.

‘Animal Skin’ uses interesting off-beat drums alongside a strong, sturdy bass line and subtle guitars. Along with Liddle’s soft, melancholy voice it illustrates perfectly the ‘folky gospel’ feel.

The next song, ‘Bible Belt’, is a stark contrast, being very slow and relaxed. This change in tone is continued throughout the album and keeps the music interesting.

Another highlight of Shallow Bed is the slow and introspective ‘Weights & Measures’, which give a tone of finality, with slow,

Jack Crisfield

Scars and Stories

I W

dance of new releases each week it can be difficult to sift through the shit in search of the gold so Fuse has handpicked some of the musical highlights for you.

Last week, as part of their ‘Three Artists, One Song’ campaign, Converse revealed the much-anticipated collaboration between James Murphy (of LCD Soundsystem), Andre 3000 (of Outkast) and Gorillaz (of, er, Gorillaz).

Fuse.

Friday March 2 2012

Columbia 3/10

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The result is ‘DoYaThing’, a brilliant track that takes everything amazing about the Gorillaz and adds James Murphy’s brilliance to it, with a dash of Andre 3000’s vocals. Oh, and there’s also a 13 minute extended version which is definitely worth your time.

It’s not every day you get a collaboration as special as this, and so we’d like to thank Converse for it. Shame the special edition Gorillaz shoes look like they got jizzed on by a cartoon.

Elsewhere, we’re enjoying the newest song by The Crookes, ‘Afterglow’. Steve Lamaq debuted the song on BBC 6Music last

Follow us on Twitter @ForgePressMusic

heavy, rocky riffs and lyrics that draw on the theme of an ending relationship, “If the spirit has left you baby, don’t lie to yourself”.

The album closes with ‘Lion’s Den’, which starts off slow, quiet and contemplative and crescendos to a lively, emotive and rocky end. The use of violins accents the melancholy at the beginning of the song and at the peak of the crescendo heavy drums and trumpets are used to create a climactic, passionate feel.

Shallow Bed is fantastic, deserving all the praise it gets.

The Fray

Now Playing ith the abun-

Although it’s not a criticism as such, at times Port of Morrow does feel very much like James Mercer’s album more than it does The Shins’. But that’s more than understandable considering that the album is being released on his own label, having left Sub Pop after Wincing the Night Away.

After the lush choruses of standout song ’40 Mark Strasse’ (no, we don’t understand the title either), title track ‘Port of Morrow’ closes things. At over five minutes, it’s the longest song, but like the album as a whole, feels over far too soon.

With its soaring “ahhhs” and relaxed tempo, it’s a nice comedown from the energy of previous tracks. But you won’t be left so relaxed that you don’t immediately feel the urge to listen to the album again. On first play, some tracks take longer than others to appreciate, but it’s worth taking the time to enjoy the record as a whole.

It’s ridiculously hard to review a record which you have almost nothing negative to say about.

But trust us when we say, à la Natalie Portman in Garden State: Listen to this album. It will change your life.

Coral Williamson

month and we genuinely can’t wait to hear the rest of the album later this year.

The Kills have covered The Velvet Underground for the Bside to their latest single ‘The Last Goodbye’, and we think it’s fantastic. ‘Pale Blue Eyes’ is streaming online now and well worth checking out.

Finally, we kicked off this week by waking up to a new song

by Arctic Monkeys. ‘R U Mine?’ comes with nary an explanation, and reminds us of the good ol’ Humbug days. The accompanying video is also at usual levels of Arctic Monkeys strangeness.

t has been almost seven years since The Fray released arguably one of the most profound and heartfelt songs of the decade, ‘How To Save A Life’, a sensation which allowed the album of the same name to become the biggest selling digital LP of the noughties.

Since then they have moulded themselves into the classic form of an indie one-hit-wonder quartet, an image which has sadly been reaffirmed by new album Scars And Stories.

Album opener ‘Heartbeats’ is also the first single to be released off the album and straight away introduces guitarist Joe King’s new grunge-inspired sound coupled with a newly found penchant for mind-numbingly powerful and simplistic drum beats from drummer Ben Wysocki.

The single represents the formulaic attempt of the band to try and rediscover a certain degree of fame by using the epic method

of heartfelt crescendos and corny lyrics, “You gotta love somebody, love them all the same”.

Similar songs which follow this formula include second single ‘Run For Your Life’, which proves to be almost as dry and cliché as Matt Cardle’s horrendous failure of the same name and ‘1961’, an attempted ballad whose lyrics somehow manage to cornify the construction of the Berlin Wall.

A slight candle must be held for album closer ‘Be Still’, a purely piano-based tune which is far more suiting of lead singer and pianist Isaac Slade’s crooning vocals.

The entire album leaves much to be desired and the listener searching for far more.

It has only worked to develop the explored idea that The Fray will continue to spend their career attempting to replicate what was carried out so magnificently

by Coldplay in the mid-noughties, slow lilting piano solos and rising backing vocals looking to cross the well-oiled line between unnecessary and epic.

Max Goldbart

SBTRKT Plug

Wednesday February 22

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BTRKT is stage name of London based producer, Aaron Jerome. The idea behind the project is anonymity; Jerome say’s he wants his music to do the talking, hence why you’ll never see him on stage without some sort of mask. Live, Jerome is joined by long time friend and collaborator Sampha.

Providing support is London based brother duo Disclosure.

Whilst their brand of electronic dance pop is hardly revolutionary, with the audience, which is peppered with chino-clad Topman models, it goes down extremely well.

A little later than billed, SBTRKT step out on stage. As usual, both Jerome and Sampha’s faces are covered by masks which are

inspired by ‘native and ancient societies from a global viewpoint’.

The set starts slowly as SBTRKT find their feet but before long the duo have worked the crowd up into a frenzy.

At times SBTRKT descend into noise. Tracks begin to merge into one sound that is completely disorientating. Jerome and Sampha maintain this confusion for as long as possible before dropping the next track and bringing the audience back.

Often this works brilliantly as the crowd wait in anticipation for the next track, but occasionally it becomes an irritation which is met by impatience.

‘Pharoahs’ is an early highlight from the set, even without the presence of Roses Gabor who provided the original vocals. Instead, Jerome samples in the Gabor’s lyrics that are supported

by Sampha creating an excel-

lent contrast of sampled and live sounds.

For the entire set, Jerome works manically. Moving back and forth between keys, samplers and drumkit at times becomes too much and as a result the performance gets a little sloppy.

However, these brief lapses never distract too much from the rest of what’s happening.

Whilst SBTRKT’s set had a few faults, it never seemed to matter.

By the end of the set the audience were begging for an encore and a smile could be seen peeking out from under Jerome’s mask.

Sam Bolton More reviews online Read more reviews online at: www.forgetoday.com

DOT COM

Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds Motorpoint Arena Sunday February 19

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GHOstpoet DQ

Thursday February 23

X

The Jezabels Plug

Friday February 24

I

n a year or so’s time, those that witnessed the wonderfully intimate experience that The Jezabels staged at their first ever Sheffield gig will be relishing their memories.

Because The Jezabels are a band that are going to explode, and soon, given the potential that is displayed in their astonishing performance tonight. The Leadmill frankly cannot contain the talent that oozes from every pore of all four members of The Jezabels.

Given the duty of commencing this evening of ‘lady rock’ is local band Blessa, who do a fine job of making sure the crowd know which sex rules the roost tonight.

Softly-spoken lead singer Oliv-

be Free’. There are no prizes for guessing why. Noticeable is the enduring quality of Gallagher’s voice. While little brother Liam is sounding more than ever like an asthmatic walrus, Noel’s vocal is as clear and strapping as it was when he was a 28-year-old cocaine addict conquering the world.

Solo album tracks make up the bulk of the set, with particular highlights including ‘AKA… What a Life’, and ‘If I Had a Gun’. The latter emerges as one of the biggest sing-alongs of the night, making it clear that 13,000 people didn’t just turn up to sing ‘Wonderwall’ over a £4 pint.

It’s a good job they didn’t, too.

‘Wonderwall’, ‘Live Forever’, and ‘Champagne Supernova’ are omitted from the set in favor of unsung Oasis classics like ‘Little

By Little’, ‘Talk Tonight’, and ‘Half the World Away’. This isn’t a concert for casual Oasis fans; it is

Noel’s thank you to the lifelong faithful.

Free from the obligation to be ‘mad fer it’ and just play rock and roll, Noel is joined on stage by a 24 person choir and a brass section for much of the set. Noel Gallagher with a saxophone, you say?

Of course. This is the music that he has been dying to play for years, and he has clearly never had so much fun on a stage.

Inevitably, the High Flying Birds close the set with ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’. The result is, quite simply, the biggest sing along Sheffield has seen since the last time Noel Gallagher was here singing ‘Don’t look Back in Anger’.

He may be set to hit 45 this year, but you try telling the 13,000 fans present tonight that Noel Gallagher is no longer relevant.

Tom Fletcher

ia even invites us all to her house for tea, such is the intimacy created tonight in the tiny second room of the Leadmill.

As The Jezabels arrive coyly onstage and launch into ‘Endless Summer’ from their first album Prisoner, it is immediately clear that this is a band that takes what they do very seriously.

A striking feature of The Jezabels’ live set is how intensely concentrated every member of the band is- more often than not it is only the lead singer who appears intrinsic to the performance- but here, all four look like their life depends on playing well.

The intensity of their performance style is definitely representative of The Jezabels’ music - melodic, yet brooding and atmospheric. ‘City Girl’ defines this perfectly, and is executed with such passion that you cannot fail to be drawn completely into the

The Jezabels: Talie Eigeland music.

Musically, The Jezabels are unique as they replace bass with piano - however songs such as ‘Mace Spray’ with its beautiful piano and rocky breakdowns show that their music most certainly doesn’t suffer for it.

Although the majority of The Jezabels’ set is taken from Prisoner, the inclusion of ‘Sahara Mahala’ and ‘Easy To Love’ from their earlier EPs showcases the consistency of The Jezabels’ powerful alt-rock - and all permeated by the beautifully highpitched voice of lead singer Hayley Mary.

As they end on the epic ‘Hurt Me,’ The Jezabels most certainly proved their potential tonight, and Hayley Mary managed to make every woman in the room want to be her. Girl power indeed.

Zoe Antell

Fuse.

Sam Bolton

henever Noel Gallagher is in town, you can almost feel it, perhaps more because of the influx of rowdy drunken Mancunians than anything else. Oasis may be long gone, but the 44-year-old is still quite capable of bringing Sheffield to life.

This year’s eponymous debut album has been well received by critics, but there is understandable concern that Gallagher’s new material could struggle to find traction in the same set as the Oasis juggernauts of old.

Taking to the stage with the High Flying Birds, Gallagher opens, curiously, with forgotten 1995 b-side, ‘It’s Good to

SBTRKT: Sam Bolton

Friday March 2 2012

rayhorse Music present, for the second time in the last few months, a phenomenal Ghostpoet show.

Whilst DQ’s main room isn’t quite a full as The Harley felt back in October, the London based producer brought just as much energy and an even more refined selection of tracks.

Before the main act took to the stage though, the audience were treated to the gently apocalyptic sounds of Leed’s based band, Alt-J. Fan favourites like ‘Matilda’ and ‘Breezeblocks’ were met with deserved appreciation from the crowd. The highlight, however, came in the form of ‘Fitzpleasure’, the band’s lead single, which brought a dramatic end to the set.

With the audience fully warmed up, it was time for the main event. Ghostpoet took to a stage bathed in plaintive red lights and opened with ‘Run Run Run’ in a fairly down tempo start to the set. That down tempo feel however, was quickly distinguished by an incredible performance of ‘Liiines’.

Whilst Ghostpoet’s stage presence, lyricism and generally friendly demeanour left the au-

Alt-J: Talie Eigeland dience in the palm of his hand, the set was held together by a phenomenal guitarist. The clean tones particularly shone through on the new track ‘River’ and provided an extra dimension to the music that doesn’t always come though on the record.

In fact, Ghostpoet’s live performances are generally quite unlike the record. Ghostpoet’s greatest skill lies in his ability to combine insightful and socially aware lyrics with elegantly crafted synthetic sounds, a skill which earned him a Mercury nomination last year, but live, he brings significantly more energy to every track.

The wonderfully optimistic ‘Survive It’ appeared as a highlight late in the set. Reworked for the live show, the normally fairly mellow track was transformed into a party anthem and the addition of powerful drums and Ghostpoet’s demanding instruction had the crowd jumping.

After a brief refreshment from a generous fan at the front of the audience, the set was closed with ‘Cash and Carry Me Home’.

Whilst it retained all of the dark melancholy that it has on the album, it was another example of Ghostpoet tweaking his music to help it excel in the live setting.

MUSIC

Reviews.LIVE

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SCREEN

Reviews.

THe best exotic marigold hotel Dir: John Madden 5/10

T

he Best Exotic Marigold Hotel features a veteran British ensemble cast poking fun at themselves and old age in a Love Actually-esque jumble of stories that, whilst vaguely entertaining, is a clunky, bythe-numbers comedy that can’t quite decide what it wants to be.

Judi Dench heads an impressive line-up featuring Maggie Smith, Tom Wilkinson, Bill Nighy, and pretty much every other British actor with a few grey hairs, who have found themselves out of their comfort zones in the far-flung and exotic location of Jaipur, India.

Evelyn (Dench), recently widowed and unsure as to how to handle her late husband’s debts, is looking for a new start, which takes her to the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel for the Elderly, which is being kept in a less-than-satisfactory state by the blissfully optimistic Sonny (Dev Patel).

She is joined by the racist, wheelchair-bound Muriel (Smith), who is only in India to have a hip replacement on the cheap; the High Court judge Graham (Wilkinson), who is returning to Jaipur after having spent his childhood there; the unlucky couple Douglas (Nighy) and Jean (Penelope Wilton) who have lost most of their life savings in a bad business decision; and Madge (Celia Imrie), an unashamed golddigger who is flicking through Jaipur’s portfolio of successful businessmen.

Director John Madden tries to weave these stories together, but he cannot cover up the fact that each of these subplots feel mismatched and shallow, which in turn makes The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel seem clunky.

For example, Graham’s story required more depth than was given. It felt rushed and cut short in favour of trying to round up the other characters’ stories.

Trying to jam pack so many characters into a film just over two hours long means that depth of storytelling was always going to be a logistical problem.

Although each character’s story differs in quality, the actors all perform well. Dench gives a fine and touching performance as we see a grieving and devoted widow trying to turn her life around.

Nighy also gives an astute performance, exuding charm and rage in equal measure.

The allure of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel lies in its cinematography with Director of Photography Ben Davis painting the warm colours of Jaipur in an astounding beauty.

It is a welcome change from some films which think they can offer you a homogenous cityscape at night with some lights turned on and demand you call it pretty.

What the film does particularly well is cater to its over 50 target audience.

The humour is more in tune with the older generation, as Maggie Smith making tedious and casually racist remarks is probably quite funny for your semi-bigoted Nan but is over done for anyone else.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel attends to a cinema sector often overlooked by the film industry and offers a sweet natured narrative into the plights and perils of old age in a highly visual environment. It does suffer from trying to pack too much in but Dench and Nighy’s performances overshadow this and are reasons enough to see the film.

Dan Gardner

movie where he plays a jealous member of Rusty James’ gang.

It is refreshing to re-watch Cage’s vibrant early work compared to the bloated Hollywood movies he currently stars in.

The combination of the raw performances, the monochromatic aesthetic, and oppressive southern heat gives the movie a unique, restless atmosphere.

Although the film achieved some critical acclaim, Rumble Fish was a complete financial flop, taking in only $2.5 million against a budget of $10 million.

The film was such a financial disaster that Coppola was nearly forced into bankruptcy, a situation that was only alleviated with the release of Peggy Sue Got Married in 1986.

In retrospect it is clear that Coppola’s bold cinematic vision was bound to be a commercial failure, being as it was released in a decade dominated by sci-fi movies.

Nevertheless, the film is still visually arresting and a testament to the skill of Francis Ford Coppola.

Ciaran Davis

Cult Corner.

Rumble Fish

Friday March 2 2012

Dir: Francis Ford Coppola 1983

Fuse.

F

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rancis Ford Coppola directed Rumble Fish 11 years after his masterpiece The Godfather. By 1983, the director had become disinterested in making films for mass consumption and began to make more self-indulgent movies.

Coppola began work on Rumble Fish immediately after completing The Outsiders.

Both films were based on novels by S.E. Hinton, which share themes of teenage violence; however, Rumble Fish was a radical departure from The Outsiders, for it displayed more experimental filming techniques.

Coppola tried to make Rumble Fish a homage to European art cinema, adopting the AvantGarde techniques of the German expressionists and French New Wave filmmakers of the first half of the twentieth century.

The film revolves around a gang of youths in the southern city of Tulsa and explores the relationship between Rusty James, played by a young Matt Dillon, and his elder brother, the mysterious Motorcycle Boy (Mickey Rourke).

The Motorcycle Boy was a revered gang leader before he mysteriously vanished. His return to Tulsa is used to explore themes such as teenage anger and isolation.

Rourke’s performance is a master class in subtlety; he portrays little emotion, leaving his brother, as well as the audience, feeling unsure about what is actually going on in his mind.

Nicolas Cage, who is Coppola’s nephew, also appears in the

Dir: Daniel Espinosa 6/10

one for the money Dir: Julie Anne Robinson 2/10

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hen lingerie salesperson Stephanie Plum (Katherine Heigl) loses her job, she becomes a bounty hunter tasked to track down her ex, Joe Morelli (Jason O’Mara), a task which she turns out to be unqualified for.

No sooner has she taken up the challenge than the audience is bombarded with names of characters we’ve never actually seen and are left to try and piece together what’s going on.

There is a lot of following leads, talking about characters that are hard to keep track of, and embarrassing moments, often involving Plum’s tits, arse, or loss of clothes, during which time comedy is supposed to occur.

The idea of having someone do a job they are useless at was, perhaps, inspired by the screenwriters. Any screenplay that throws away character development, emotional depth, and any

S

Brendan Gleeson plays the prickly-yet-paternal CIA handler, while Sam Shepard plays a deputy director who has (quelle surprise) a Southern drawl to his accent.

None of it is particularly bad, but you get the feeling that they didn’t exactly break the mould at any point.

Still, once the plot gets going it proves to be a decent one.

There are some intense shootouts and some thrilling highspeed chases through the streets of Cape Town, and there’s a sequence that takes place in a football stadium which is pretty entertaining.

The mystery of why Frost is being hunted is kind of interesting, and the twists and turns in the plot are, for the most part, fairly predictable if you’ve watched The Bourne Identity.

Or for that matter, any other movie even remotely similar to this one.

And that, ultimately, is the downside. It’s like a pasta bake made from leftovers. A dash of Jason Bourne, a spoonful of Liam

Neeson-esque acting from Denzel, a smidge of inspiration from the Luc Besson School of Cinematography, and you’ve got a movie. It’s not bad, per se, just lazy.

There’s potential here for a good political intrigue, and there are some good points made here and there about the legality of America’s covert dealings, but it’s sloppy and haphazard like a jock trying to quote Plato so he can pull in the bar.

Safe House doesn’t reinvent the wheel by any stretch of the imagination. But it does use the existing technology to make a film which, as the sum of all its parts, is actually a passable watch.

Yes, the characters are clichéd, and it doesn’t exactly take a member of MENSA to see which way the plot is going to go.

But Washington and Reynolds put in solid performances and, despite its familiarity, Safe House manages not to become boring.

It’s not Oscar material but it’s still worth a look if you want pretty scenery and prettier actors.

Phil Bayles

semblance of interest in order to be funny needs to be just that, yet this is One For The Money’s single biggest failing. Almost every single joke misfires.

The screenplay is so bad it’s often hard to tell which bits are supposed to be funny, such as when Morelli says to Plum in an apparently serious moment: “We’re ancient history. Like the pyramids.”

Heigl’s character is shown to be a horrifically shallow person as she pays not a second’s thought to the destruction that follows in her wake. This would be fine if she were a cyborg from the future, but she’s supposed to be an everywoman; a shop assistant driven to bounty hunting by desperation.

If One For The Money was set in a comedy universe like, for example, Airplane, the implausibility of many moments, such as Plum casually stealing a car, or her family’s indifference to her dangerous new vocation, wouldn’t be a problem, but its real-world setting makes these moments unbelievable.

The characters are impossible

to connect with, in part due to the film’s confused tone. There’s a point when Plum gags at the sight of a dead body, then seconds later shoots and kills a man before carrying on like nothing happened, a confusing scene involving a naked old man which adds nothing to the story, and some racist stereotypes.

Serious events are treated flippantly, making the crime aspects

of the film appear to be simply a vehicle for Plum to lose her gun or her clothes.

Ultimately, it’s less laugh-aminute, more groan-a-minute.

Add to the catastrophe of the script and the shallow characters the soundtrack of a low budget porno and you have all the ingredients for an incredibly bad film.

A single quote sums up this film

quite nicely. After Plum is shot, unsurprisingly, in the bum, Morelli says, “It’s a shame. That was a pretty nice ass.”

One can only assume that One For the Money derives its title from its own raison d’être, as it’s hard to imagine a film so lacking in passion and creativity could have any motivation beyond the financial.

Alex Chafey

Monday, 9pm E4

she essentially screams “DO YOU LIKE PENIS?!” at them again and again and again.

Alan Carr narrates the

show, which is one of its few redeeming qualities; as well as the faux-Spanish duo who don moustaches and serenade us

with bizarre ballads between ad breaks as Cara lounges around the ‘Hacienda’.

Each show has a theme, for instance the ‘Sex Week’ was of particular amusement when the challenge to prove one’s heterosexuality was to unclasp as many bras as possible in under 60 seconds.

I reckon I can speak for many people here when I say this is definitely not a skill that many heterosexual men possess anyway.

The most offensive set of challenges was probably in ‘Masculinity Week’ where the boys tried their hand at orienteering, as apparently a straight man would find the vapid Cara in the forest within an hour, whilst the gay ones would assumingly just walk around in circles until they fell over.

For all of its insane and

pretty offensive assumptions about homosexuality, I find myself strangely drawn to the programme, and normally due to its 14 minute climax in the last quarter.

The boys are paraded in front of Cara as she decides who should stay or leave the Hacienda based on whether they acted, “a bit gay this week.”

Cue screaming at the TV, as though you and all of your housemates are suddenly body language experts who can detect the speed of a wink as revealing one’s sexuality.

This portion of the show proves one thing - ditch the challenges and the pointless ‘hot woman’ figure, and give me a weekly show where you line up random men and I yell their sexuality at them; and you’re onto a winner.

E

4’s latest nothing-betterto-do programme, Playing it Straight, has a pretty basic premise.

Cara, a girl with nice abs but about as much charisma as my left foot, has flown to Spain to live with 14 men and decide which one is her true love. N’aw.

Except half of the lot are gay and they’re after money, so she has to root them out, Gestapo style.

As you see, the straight guys and Cara aren’t after money, they’re simply after love. Cynics.

The show consists of weekly challenges to win bizarre ‘interrogation time’ with the pointless creature, which consists of sharing a glass of wine whilst

Fuse.

Fuse.

ston has to keep his guest safe from harm and figure out why everyone wants to kill them both.

The cast performs, if not admirably, then at least competently.

Washington gives an interesting edge to the character of Frost, who is scarily competent at getting into Weston’s head – even if the ‘gruff former CIA agent’ cliché has been pretty much done to death by now.

Meanwhile, Reynolds uses his sickening good looks and boyish charm to his advantage to give Weston a believable sense of naïveté and eagerness, and he does develop in a pretty believable way throughout the narrative.

However, it’s somewhat difficult to buy the initial ‘my career isn’t going anywhere’ angle. After all, he starts the film in a beautiful part of the world, doing a job that involves very little work for a not-too-shabby paycheck. Oh, and he has a gorgeous French girlfriend. The poor bastard.

As for the rest, they all fill the usual little niches one would expect to find in this film.

Friday FridayOctober March 272012 2011

ome films are destined to be great.

Some become great.

Others have greatness thrust upon them. And then there are the films that fall short of greatness altogether, preferring to land in the ‘okay’ category.

Safe House, starring Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington, is definitely the latter.

Reynolds plays Matt Weston, a lowlevel CIA operative who’s in charge of a ‘safe house’ in Cape Town, South Africa. He seems destined to go nowhere until international fugitive Tobin Frost (Washington) is brought to his front door.

As basically everything around him proceeds to explode, We-

Small Screen.

Playing it straight

SCREEN

safe house

Alisha Rouse

13

GAMES

Reviews.

Editorial.

T

Friday March 2 2012

D collections are all the rage at the moment. The HD era affords publishers the opportunity to cash in on products they’ve already created.

You might own each Metal Gear Solid game individually, but many fans wouldn’t pass up the chance to own them all as part of a ‘collection’, especially when there’s the cliched ‘HD’ moniker attached.

It’s not just Metal Gear Solid. Splinter Cell, Tomb Raider and even developer Team Ico all have their own ‘HD Collections’, and all offer incremental improvements over their original versions.

All this does is fill up our shelves with games we already own, and hence stuff we don’t really need.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, and cases when these HD remakes are a truly good thing.

Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary is one such example of this. Released as a 10 year celebration of all things Halo, this HD remake is far more than just an added gloss.

343 Industries, custodians of the franchise, chose to completely remake the visuals, running the original gameplay and sound in parallel. This makes for an experience that plays just as you remember, but looks like it was created in 2012. Not only this but you can switch back to the original visuals at any time to compare how certain sections look, then and now.

If only all developers had the care and resources to do the same.

Fuse.

360/PS3

8/10

H

14

METAL GEAR SOLID HD COLLECTION

Arnold Bennett Ellen Jurczak games@forgetoday.com

he Metal Gear Solid franchise is full of absurdities.

Adding to the franchise’s absurd nature, Metal Gear Solid HD Collection, an anthology containing three out of the five games in the series, does not have you controlling the primary protagonist Solid Snake. Well, not really.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, the first game in the collection, is best remembered for it’s protagonist Raiden.

Set on ‘Big Shell’, an off-shore oil rig, you’re tasked with rescuing the President from terrorist capture.

Things soon go tits up. Upon reaching the President you learn that the off-shore plant is actually an underwater super computer, democracy as we know it is a scam, and that the United States is controlled by a mysterious group of people known as the ‘Patriots’. Truly absurd.

A host of gameplay additions such as first person gunplay were also introduced, allowing players to manually aim their weapon; players could cause guards to urinate themselves by aiming particularly intimidating weapons at them, for example.

The visuals were also spectacular.

Rain glistened and dappled, Raiden’s hair swished and swayed and glass smashed in minute pieces rather than great chunks. The HD remaster won’t make this game impress you like it once would, but it does clean up the visuals and remove any jagged lines.

Whilst Metal Gear Solid 2 will be remembered for it’s ridiculous plot, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater will be remembered as not only the best game in the series, but one of the greatest games of all time.

You control Big Boss, a soldier so impressive he would later be cloned to create Solid Snake.

This is an origin story. As Big Boss you’re sent on a sneaking mission to kill your former mentor ‘The Boss’, the woman who not only taught you every skill you know, but raised you like a son. For your country you’re tasked with bringing down the one woman who’s ever meant anything to you, a feat that would eventually go on to shape the rest of the series.

You’re dropped into a Soviet jungle during the Cold War with nothing but a knife, a pistol, some rations and some cigarettes. From there you must hunt for food to survive and camouflage yourself to the swampy surroundings. Your mission leads you to swimming through croco-

dile infested waters, rescuing a Russian scientist, infiltrating the Soviet fortress of Groznyj Grad, and eventually, after a particularly bombastic motorcycle escape, confronting the woman who means everything to you.

The HD version included in the remaster is also the best version, not only is it revitalised by crisp graphics and a smooth frame rate but it includes the alternative camera mode only previously available in the ultra rare Subsistence version.

The final piece of the Collection’s puzzle is Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker; originally a portable title remastered in HD. Peace Walker picks up where Snake Eater left off, as Big Boss splits away from the nation and government who betrayed him to start an army of his own, free from ideology or state. And with that the absurdities return.

Peace Walker is structured differently to the numbered titles in the series. Due to it’s port-

SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS HD

PS2/PS3/PSN

RETRO CORNER

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apanese developer Team Ico tends to treat it’s creations like a fine wine. They take an age to make, but the end result is usually spectacular and, as the recent HD remaster of Shadow of the Colossus proves, they only get better with age.

Shadow of the Colossus is the story of Wander, who travels to a cursed land to save the woman he loves. To do this he has to find and kill 16 monsters called Colossi; not an easy task since, as their name suggests, they are bloody massive.

Several things are immediately striking about SotC, and the first is the setting. It’s huge, eerily desolate, and for a PS2 game made in 2004 it’s incredibly detailed and beautiful – you can actually see the wind blowing through the trees and making the horse’s tail sway as it gallops across the plains.

Then there’s the monsters themselves. There’s a strangely organic quality to them; covered in stone and moss, you could almost believe that they grew out of the earth.

The next striking thing is the gameplay, which is incredibly simplistic. You hold your sword up and a beam of light shows

able roots, missions are short, bite sized affairs that rarely last longer than 20 minutes. Peace Walker also has optional missions in addition to those relating to the main story.

Ported from a handheld, the HD remaster of Peace Walker is the biggest improvement in the Collection, yet the game is still the least visually impressive.

It can be a jarring experience going from the high production values and expansive missions of the main games to Peace Walker’s snack sized equivalent.

Series protagonist Solid Snake once said, “I’m no hero. Never was, never will be”. This Collection reinforces that, dropping you in the shoes of those characters who make up so much of Solid Snake’s journey. Perhaps the only thing more absurd than Metal Gear Solid is if you haven’t played it, and thankfully there’s never been a greater opportunity.

Arnold Bennett you where to go. You follow it to a Colossus, which you kill, and then you do the whole thing again. And that’s it.

The variation comes in killing the Colossi, which makes the game more like a puzzle. You have to climb them to find specific weak points, and sometimes it takes quite a bit of lateral thinking to figure out how to reach them – not to mention the fact that they’ll try to shake you off like an over-sized rodeo bull.

But perhaps the most amazing thing about Shadow is how moving it is. The only character who speaks is Wander, and there’s no-one to talk to besides the horse. When you’re riding across the landscape the loneliness actually becomes palpable.

You begin to really feel for Wander and his horse, and somehow you actually feel a little bit guilty every time you kill a Colossus; after all, they’ve done nothing to you. And the ending is one of the most unexpected and emotional that you’ll ever see in a video game.

Honestly, there could be tears.

At six-years-old Shadow of the Colossus is still an amazing game, a cult classic.

Because of their quality, fine wines are notoriously expensive; at just £11.99 from the Playstation store, SotC is too good to pass up.

Philip Bayles

Order

The Lantern 6/10

O

rder, The Lantern Theatre’s professional production debut sees the gorgeous 84 seat theatre tell their own stories, rather than play host to others.

Written by Artistic Director, Martin Derbyshire and Chief Executive Matt Risby, it is advertised as ‘A love story in two acts’. It is safe to say it is not your traditional love story.

Dark and intimate, the audience is plunged into the quick paced dialogue of the two actors from the very beginning; a pace that is relentless until the end.

It is theatre in its most simplistic form, no scenery or costume changes, no distractions.

Invited into the couples first meeting after a year apart the

audience meets the characters, Robert, Yorkshire born, gentle and bear like and Katie, young and beautiful but wirey, angry and awkward.

Sat at a grey table the couple is enclosed by filing cabinets leaving a confused audience to question where they are and how they got there. With a blast of whirring gramophone music the story rewinds to Katie and Robert’s beginning. The dark progression of their relationship then unfolds from there.

Stripped down with the ambition of probing human emotion and challenging the audience’s concept of love and evil, Order almost achieves it. It is let down by Katie’s (Samantha Robinson) and Robert’s (Richard Marriott) hesitancy to ease into character, 20 minutes to warm up is something the play cannot afford with a running time of only one hour and 20.

The couple lack chemistry, the kiss is unnatural, not passion led

ecounting the lives of one of the most famous literary families in history, SuTCo performs Brontë by Polly Teale, a biographical play which follows a family stricken by continual hardship, isolation and sorrow.

The play focuses on the lives of the three sisters: Charlotte (Amelia Jones), Emily (Helena Bradbury) and Anne (Ellie Webb) who, in spite of their secluded and mundane lives in their father’s parish on the Yorkshire moors, live their adventures vicariously through their fiction.

Elements of the sisters’ biography seeps into their literature as they use the power of words to come to terms with the alcoholism and insanity of their adulterous brother Branwell (Mike Edwardson), who filters into many of the Brontës’ best-known literary figures.

The introspection of the sisters

war and politics through a frank humanistic portrayal of the most basic of relationships.

Nothing captures the universality of childhood better than Grayson Perry’s onion-shaped, blackglazed ceramic vase, ‘Difficult Background’ which, from afar, could be mistaken for a school boy’s art project. Look closely and we see the deception and beauty of an imperfect childhood, displayed simply yet hauntingly with a splash of characteristic Perry flamboyance.

Grayson’s vase helps to expose the enigmatic lack-of-love that permeates an exhibition about the most fundamental relationship of all: the familial bond. His vase scans a panoramic street of smiling children, naive and playful before an emblematic backdrop of war and horror.

Ted Duncan’s ‘Absent Friends’ similarly evokes the potential alienation and disappointment

of child- p a r e n t relationships, w i t h a faded sketch of a father and his son stood aloof and awkward on a crumpled canvas.

The canvas itself exudes the strain of their aching estrangement, as if it is an old photograph left crinkled in a trouser pocket for decades, hoping to be forgotten about with the passing of time.

Along with Perry, Gainsborough, Hogarth and Hockney adorn the walls with their iconic representations of British family life.

The best pieces, however, are unexpected additions such as Vanessa Bell’s austere portrait of her sleeping sister Virginia Woolf, and Hubert von Herkomer’s lifesized portrayal of a workingman in the nineteenth-century - instantly stark and minimal, yet monolithic and startling.

Gillian Wearing’s 2 in 1 film, which exchanges the voices of

a mother and her two young sons in a candid and touching interview, becomes enthralling and surprising as we realise the unexpected similarity and intimacy of people who have a sometimes strained and uneasy existence together.

This combination of artistic modes creates a transparent and almost emotionally naked display.

The result makes us feel just as our family makes us feel: warm and relaxed with a distant but pervading sense of discomfort.

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Ellen Nicholls

Friday March 2 2012

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Laura Connor M

DOT COM

Read more reviews, interviews and features online at ForgeToday.com

Fuse.

hilst it can feel somewhat patronising to have a bunch of tokenistic pieces from London galleries thrown at Yorkshire art exhibitions, The Family in British Art has been carefully curated to make the collection feel inclusive and pertinent while still retaining an air of the awe-inspiring.

Exhibitions scanning centuries and artistic mediums always risk the danger of appearing hotchpotched, but the wonderfully universal subject of family allows the Millennium Gallery to just about get away with it. The exhibition is able to tackle issues of class, love,

Charlotte Frost Brontës’ Irish father Patrick, Mr Rochester and Charlotte’s husband Arthur Bell Nicholls.

The versatility of his acting was outstanding.

Beasley displayed a natural aptitude for accents and a convincing embodiment of a weary and poverty-stricken father who was consistently and unnervingly on the edge of being broken into fits of anger.

The play itself would perhaps only appeal to those familiar with the Brontës’ literature, as narrative clarity relied upon a familiarity with their fictional plots.

The dénouement of the play also felt slightly too drawn out with the climax happening around 30 minutes before the end of the drama.

The actors searched for an ending through a series of profound one-liners which came in steady flow until the curtain fell.

Nevertheless, SuTCo performed a play for literature lovers and theatregoers alike, giving an enormous amount for the audience to work with and unpick.

This is a play well worth a watch.

University Drama Studio 8/10

Millennium Gallery 7/10

or foolish.

However, both have moments of violent brilliance and the ‘romance’ is suitably stomach churning as the deluded Robert preys on Katie’s youth.

Order’s length is problematic.

In some ways too short to deal with it’s meaty subject but in other places conceding to gratuitous rage-filled rallying between the couple, which can feel laboured and become boring rather than shocking.

Nevertheless, the twist and conclusion is fantastic. The extremities of human behaviour and fantasy are revealed and whilst inexplicable and uncomfortable, it is believable.

There’s strong language and black humour and the play itself perfectly compliments it’s surroundings in The Lantern. A great debut from the theatre, that makes for a promising future of exciting dramas.

becomes uniquely externalised on the stage when their characters are lifted from off of the manuscript to enact some of the sister’s most hidden and troubled desires.

SuTCo unashamedly tackled issues of madness, violence, incest and imprisonment head on.

Director Lucy Kempster really gets to the heart of this play’s tensions and motives, continually pushing the boundaries between the Brontës’ lives and their fictional imaginations.

The stage lighting contrasted bleak darkness with stark whiteness, representing the severity of the moors and the Brontës’ lives very effectively.

This was also mirrored by the staging which was stripped back and angular.

The relationship between Emily and her fictional creation Cathy (Alice Ordish) from Wuthering Heights was beautifully played out. Both actresses took on the role of a mother figure to the other, compensating for the lack of maternal guidance which overshadowed both of their lives.

Of particular merit was Andy Beasley who played the

Brontë

The Family in British Art

ARTS

Reviews.

15

LISTINGS

Film Unit

GIAG: Warwick Castle The finest medieval castle in England. At Warwick Castle you’ll experience history in every sense. With its magnificent towers and ramparts, the castle offers visitors over 1,000 years of history!

The chilling dungeon contrasts with the elegant splendour of the State Rooms and the baronial Great Hall.

Visitors can experience the sights, smells and sounds of medieval life in the ‘Kingmaker’ attraction, or visit the eerie Ghost Tower! New for this year is the mythical Merlin Tower (as seen on the Sunday 4 March @ Barone; popular BBC TV series). £20; 9am

All films are shown in the Students’ Union Auditorium.

Tickets cost £2.50 and can be bought from the Union Box Office or Union Shop.

Saturday March 3: The Ides of March; 7:00pm Ambition seduces.

Power corrupts. An idealistic staffer for a newbie presidential candidate gets a crash course on dirty politics during his stint on the campaign trail. Based on the play by Beau Willimon.

Sunday March 4: My Week with Marilyn; 7:30pm Colin Clark, an employee of Sir

Tickets: £2.50

Laurence Olivier’s, documents the tense interaction between Olivier and Marilyn Monroe during production of The Prince and the Showgirl.

Thursday March 8: The Help; 7:30pm Aibileen Clark (Viola Davis) is a middle-aged African-American maid who has spent her life raising white children and has recently lost her only son; Minny Jackson (Octavia Spencer) is an African-American maid who has often offended her employers despite her family’s struggles with money and her desperate need for jobs; and Eugenia “Skeeter” Phelan (Emma Stone) is a young white woman who

has recently moved back home after graduating college to find out her childhood maid has mysteriously disappeared.

Friday March 9: Tyrannosaur; 7:30pm The story of Joseph, a man plagued by violence and a rage that is driving him to selfdestruction. As Joseph’s life spirals into turmoil a chance of redemption appears in the form of Hannah, a Christian charity shop worker. Their relationship develops to reveal that Hannah is hiding a secret of her own with devastating results on both of their lives.

Fuse’s four for the fortnight Professor Elemental: Saturday March 3 @ Corporation; £6; 7:00pm

Fuse.

Fuse.

Friday Friday March September 2 2012 16 2011

Part Isambard Kingdom Brunel, part Nikola Tesla, madder than a tea party full of hatters and with a degree in laying down rhymes, Professor Elemental almost defines categorisation.

He’s a steampunk mad professor renowned for his internet-famous hiphop and dashing dress sense to the Corporation stage.

The Professor Elemental character first gained notoriety with his music video for ‘Cup of Brown Joy’ which got the attention of notable celebrities such as Warren Ellis.

Since then he has released a new album, continued his work in the community and performed live. He is currently in a feud with fellow “chap-hop” artist Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer.

16 2

The Stubbed Potatoe Cabaret; Saturday March 3 @ Shoebox Theatre; £6; 7:30pm Join Sheffield’s barefoot marathon runner, Barefoot Steve, for an evening of spring-time entertainment in support of Hazelhurst Community Supported Agriculture Project & World Wildlife Fund Featuring: Political Songstress Chrystine Moon “Outrageous!” - Queer State Review.

Inimitable Entertainer Stewart Lodge (Cabaret Boom Boom) as Billy Button.

Character Comedienne Fiona Paul “Pure pleasure” Large Manchester Including a very special ‘Grow-Your-Own’ Skills Auction.

Democracy: Thursday March 8 - Saturday March 31 @ Crucible; £10; 7:30pm The leader of a new coalition government must keep his friends close and his enemies closer.

The problem is knowing who to trust.

Left, right and centre all regard each other with suspicion. And as for the Russians…

Willy Brandt, one of the most charismatic leaders in post-war politics,

makes history as he starts to reunite Europe. But there’s a spy in his office and his plans are about to be thrown into chaos. What is loyalty? And where does yours lie?

Democracy is a witty and compelling Olivier Award-winning play about an inspirational man.

McFly: Friday March 9 @ City Hall; £27.50; 7:30pm For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last few years and haven’t heard of Mcfly, they are an English pop band who found fame in 2004 after being invited to tour with fellow boy band Busted.

They consit of four members and have released four albums, the second of which, Wonderland reached number one in the UK. McFly have announced that they will be hitting the road once more in March/ April 2012 for an up close and personal

26 date tour that will see them stopping in all corners of the UK. McFly’s fifth studio album ‘Above The Noise’ was released to huge acclaim in November last year and spawned the band’s biggest single to date ‘Shine A Light’ which sold over 300,000 in the UK. A DVD filmed at the Wembley date of their UK Arena Tour earlier this year is due out early December from Island Records. McFly are currently writing for their sixth studio album.