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new students guide

the smith street band

DRAPHT

ballarat // bendigo // geelong // surfcoast // warrnambool // werribee

kate miller-heidke

FOCUS: don't walk away

issue 553 // 21 FEB 2013 // next issue: 7 mar

EVERY SATURDAY

C0MIN G UP!

DIDIER C0HEN R0B PIX PEKING DUK WILL SPARKS J0EL FLETCHER JAMES FAVA HEATH RENATA Z00LANDA MIKE METR0 J HEASY WWW.CHINESEWHISPERS.TV CNR SH0RTS PLACE, GEETR0IT 3220

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It’s EASY

BEING GREEN ST PATRICK’S DAY SUNDAY 17 march

CARLTON HOTEL 21 malop st, geelong. (03) 5229 1954 featuring IRISH bands Wee Dram O’ Whikky

&

Enquire Within

opening noon 6

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A WORD FROM THE TEAM

FORTE mag is published by FORTE PUBLISHING p/l abn 64 054 589 641 pHONE: 03 5229 7969 fAX: 03 5229 0318 po box 1388 GEELONG VICTORIA 3220

PUBLISHER...........................Anton Ballard general..............................enquiries@fortemag.com.au

Hello Readers,

EDITOR/SALES MANAGER....Luke McNamara

luke@fortemag.com.au

Live music and entertainment in our region has got off to a smashing start in 2013.

ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR....Bec McIntyre

bec@fortemag.com.au

Bam at the BC, Odyssey Blues and Folk Festival, the Great Australian Beer Festival, Court House Arts’ New Year Revolution and

COVER DESIGN.....................James Dulce PRODUCTION........................James Dulce

David DiCristoforo

A Day on the Green have kicked things off in an epic fashion.

SCENE PHOTOGRAPHER.......Sarah Gross

April Grenfell ADVERTISING ......................Anton Ballard

aballard@fortemag.com.au

Not to mention the outrageous success of the first two gigs at Geelong’s newest live music venue - The Wool Exchange, with Ash Grunwald and Pete Murray both attracting bumper crowds.

Marc Wilkins marc@thegeelongtimes.com.au

CONTRIBUTORS...................

Anthony Morris, Adem Ali, Ben Schultz, Chris Cruz, Chris Lambie, Cyclone, Daniel Meagher, Lucas Skinner, Natalie Rogers, Nekita Roberts, Nina Bertok, Ophelia Symons, Paul S Taylor, Phil Hickey, Renee Abbott, Sam Eckhardt, Sam Fell, Stephanie Zevenbergen, Tex Miller, Wylie Caird, and Tony Montana

This very special issue of Forte serves as a welcome to the thousands of new students arriving in Geelong and other regional study areas such as Bendigo, Ballarat and Warrnambool.

This mammoth 76 page edition is designed to introduce students to uni life and to highlight what these regions have to offer.

PRINTED BY.........................

RURAL PRESS PRINTING (VIC) BALLARAT 30-32 Grandlee Drive, Wendouree

After a casual flick through this issue new comers will be ready to take on the town, and locals might re-discover something they love (or loathe) about the place they call home.

ADVERTISERS AND AGENTS ARE ADVISED THAT ALL ADVERTISING COPY IS THEIR RESPONSIBILITY UNDER THE TRADE PRACTICES ACT. ADVERTISEMENTS ARE PUBLISHED IN GOOD FAITH AND ON THE UNDERSTANDING THAT THE CONTENT IS LEGITIMATE AND LAWFUL. ADVERTISERS AND OR AGENTS SUBMIT ADVERTISEMENTS AT THEIR OWN RISK. THE EDITOR AND CREATORS HOLD NO RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER FOR THE CONTENT OF THE MAGAZINE IN THE CASE THAT IT MAY OFFEND. FORTE ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ERRORS OR OMISSIONS. FORTE RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL ARTICLES AND LETTERS.

Go forth and prosper.

Or something along those lines.

Until next issue, Forte.

Castlemaine

THURSDAY 21ST FEBRUARY

DIMI DERO & TEX NAPALM

(FRANCE/GERMANY) FEAT BRIAN HOOPER (BEAST OF BOURBON) MIKE NOGA (THE DRONES) 8:30PM $12

FRIDAY 22ND FEBRUARY

MANI NEUMEIER

TUESDAY 5TH MARCH

TUESDAY NIGHT TRIVIA

HOSTED BY LIFON URANUS 7:30PM FREE

FRIDAY 8TH MARCH

AINSLEY WILLS

8:30PM $15

SUNDAY 10TH MARCH

BRODERICK SMITH 4PM FREE

WEDNESDAY 27TH FEBRUARY

THURSDAY 14TH MARCH CASTLEMAIN E FRINGE FESTIVAL

(THE DINGOES) + GUESTS

MARK STEINER (OSLO)

THE TOURETTES

THURSDAY 28TH FEBRUARY

FRIDAY 15TH MARCH CASTLEMAINE FRINGE FESTIVAL

8:30PM $10

THE INSURGENTS

8:30PM $8

8:30PM

D. D DUMBO

FRIDAY 1ST MARCH

8:30PM $16

CHECKERBOARD + GUESTS

JORDAN IRELAND SATURDAY 16TH MARCH CASTLEMAINE FRINGE FESTIVAL

DENIZ TEK (RADIO BIRDMAN) FOURTEEN NIGHTS AT SEA LEAD FINGER SATURDAY 2ND MARCH

THE COVES 8:30PM $8

SUNDAY 3RD MARCH

BRODERICK SMITH

(THE DINGOES) + GUESTS 4PM FREE

8

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15 March - 24 March 2013

NGAIIRE

KRIS WONDERS THE PAUL KIDNEY EXPERIENCE FASPEEDELAY 8:30PM $10

Fringe Festival

8:30PM $16

SUNDAY 17TH MARCH

Visual Art, Performance, Music, Film & Literature This year the Castlemiane Fringe Festival turns 21 and we are celebrating by giving you the key to the town as a birthday present.

The Castlemaine Fringe has a huge variety of music, visual art, film, literature and performance for you to feast on during the festival which runs from March 15th-24th this year.

BRODERICK SMITH

Check out our festival program online at

4PM FREE

www.castlemainefringe.org.au.

(THE DINGOES) + GUESTS

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the HIGHLIGHTS

THE LATEST ON international & national news & tours The Highlights: Everybody knows weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re Hollywood skunks. Coming up you haveâ&#x20AC;Ś .........................................................................

Slam 2013 Music has one of its biggest days this Saturday (February 23) by way of SLAM Day. An acronym of Save Live Australiaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Music, SLAM debuted in Melbourne in 2010 in protest against over-arching Victorian Liquor Licensing policies that unfairly linked live music to high-risk activity. It has since spread its wings around the country. Events will take place around the state and the only thing needed to participate is a love of music. Hit slamrally.org for events close to you. .........................................................................

Tool Strike Down on Australia A bit of a favourite here in Australia, Tool last checked in on life Down Under when they were part of the 2011 Big Day Out line-up. In April they return for another round of shows as they take a break from the recording of their fifth studio album. There was talk the album was going to drop this year but ringleader Maynard James Keenan ruled that one out. Still, new tunes are a possibility. Rod Laver Arena - April 27. .........................................................................

A Meeting of Iggy and Bowie Biopics are an olâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; faithful when it comes to the movie world and now British producers Altered Image have teamed up with Berlin-based Egoli Tossell Film to coproduce Lust for Life, a film exploring David Bowie and Iggy Popâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Berlin years. According to Hollywood Reporter, the pairâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s collaborative years in the 1970s led to Bowieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s trilogy of albums Low, Heroes and Lodger. Popâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s The Idiot and Lust for Life will also be explored. This is further good news for Bowie fans who earlier this year received word of a new album. .........................................................................

Airbourne Bring the Rock If you were to bottle the sweat of Melbourne rockers Airbourne you could market it as the ultimate rock â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; roll pheromone. Just spray a little on and all the

rock â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; roll excesses would fall at your feet. The lads recently announced that album number three would be released in May. Titled Black Barking Dog, the album is the follow-up to 2010â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s No Guts.

No Glory. Since forming in 2001 the band has found considerable success aboard with their music appearing in films including The Lost Boys: The Tribe and I Love You Beth Cooper. .........................................................................

Kieran Ryan Solo Debut Kieran Ryan will release his self-titled debut solo album on April 5. If that name rings a bell think Kid Sam. Together with his cousin Kishore, the indie rock duo was nominated for a J Award and AMP Award for their 2009 self-titled debut. The project was ended as the need for creative exploration took hold.

The album was recorded with Myles Wootton (The Panics) in 2011 and 2012 and according to reports features a more expansive sound than Kid Sam. .........................................................................

Canadian duo Tegan and Sara, who are paying Australia a visit shortly for the Groovinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; the Moo festival run, have become teachers. Well, in a manner of speaking. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s actually got to do with their new album Heartthrob. As part of the album they released â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;The Interviewâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; sessions where they sat down with past and present heartthrobs to discover the life of a heartthrob. They also decided to help out Andy Samberg (SNL, Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s My Boy) in his quest to become heartthrob material. You can check out all the vids online. .........................................................................

Iron and Wine # 5 April will see the release of the fifth album from Samuel Beam, better known as Iron and Wine.

Titled Ghost on Ghost, the album is produced by longtime go-to-guy Brian Deck. The album features a healthy handful of guests including Rob Burger, Steve Bernstein, Tony Scherr, Kenny Wollesen and Briggan Kraus. In a press release for the album Beam wrote: â&#x20AC;&#x153;This record felt like a reward to myself after the way I went about making the last few.â&#x20AC;?

Songs â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Caught in the Briarsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Lovers Revolutionâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; are doing the rounds.

Sun Mar 10 (Labour Day Eve) AFTERNOON PERFORMANCE

Tickets are only $29 + bf.

Tickets available at metropolistouring.com and from the venue

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Fast & Furious 6 could come with the tagline â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;How the h ell could we get any Faster or more Furious?: like this MuthaF-â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;, but it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. Instead, it comes with the tagline: â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;All Roads Lead to Thisâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. The sixth instalment of the film franchise, which this round takes place in London, has given rev-heads its first sneak peek and judging by the ten-million and fast-counting YouTube hits it has received, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gearing up to be an action-packed winner. Check it out.

The Learned Tegan and Sara

The Barwon Club

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Fast & Furious 6

New Look Mushroom

Shining on Room 237

On February 5 Michael and Matt Gudinski of Mushroom, along with some 550 of the groupâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s closest friends, celebrated the announcement of a new era for the entertainment group. The change will see a major rebranding with new logos for the business and a repositioning for the groupâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s two dozen subsidiaries. After a respectable 40 years in the business, Mushroom Group sits proudly atop the independent entertainment mountain. It currently houses more than twenty companies under its umbrella.

Some, perhaps many readers out there, will have a movie theorist mate. Often these theories are entertaining and crap-fights are fought over the net. One film that has generated a massive amount of theories is Stanley Kubrickâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s The Shining. In a new film to be released this year (it was screened at Sundance in 2012), Room 237 is what happens when a bunch of fanatics get together and share their insights. It has been getting some fine reviews and is the movie for anyone who can get a little obsessed with their movies.

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New Eminem on the Way

Lights Lights Baby

Eminem is set to follow-up 2010â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Recovery with an as-yet untitled new album post Memorial Day. This year that is May 27 for those playing at home.

Shady Records head honcho Paul Rosenberg filled Billboard in with the news. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We fully expect to be releasing a new Eminem album in 2013. Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been working on it for some time. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s safe to say that it will be post-Memorial Day at some point, but weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not exactly sure when.â&#x20AC;? The rapper also released the collaborative album Hell: The Sequel in 2011.

This one was just crying out for a blurb. Are you a big fan of Robert Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, and are at a loss as to your next purchase? Well, Mr Van Winkle has launched his own line of mid-range lighting fixtures and sconces under the name Lights Lights Baby. For the brilliant word play alone he gets a mention. To be fair he has hosted three seasons of home improvement show The Vanilla Ice Project of which Foxtel subscribers may have fallen upon. You can have a look through lightslightsbaby.com.

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THE

FORT-NIGHTLY CALENDAR & GIG GUIDE CUDA BAR: Victoriana Gaye from 7.30pm, DJ Yuen from 10pm (Lorne) BEAV’S BAR: Butters Live EDGE BAR: Andy Forster Duo CITY QUARTER BAR: Tom & Tayla BRIDGE HOTEL: Mani Neumier & Kris Wonders with Paul Kidney Experience supporting.

Doors open from 8.30pm (Castlemaine) HARVESTER MOON: Annie Piper (NSW) Dinner & show concert with doors opening from 6.30pm and show beginning at 8pm (Bellarine) PIPING HOT CHICKEN SHOP: Pugsley Buzzard performing live (Ocean Grove) GATEWAY HOTEL: Cowboys & Honkytonks Tour featuring Doug Bruce & Roo Arcus IRISH MURPHY’S: Live music every Friday & Saturday night

Saturday February 23

Cypress Hill THURSDAY FEB 28 at The Forum, Melbourne

Thursday February 21 BARWON CLUB: Hailmary with Destroy She Said &The Shanghai Times, tickets $10 from 8pm CITY QUARTER BAR: Unplugged featuring 30 acts over 6 heats during 10 weeks, major prizes to be won for competition entrants, every Thursday from 7pm till 10pm ELEPHANT & CASTLE: Drink promos & Giant Meat Raffle from 5pm till 8pm BLACK HATT: Tradies Night in the Bar from 5pm till 7pm, Open Mic from 7pm with acoustic, bands, solos & duets THE SPHINX HOTEL: Schnitzel Night from $13 THE MAX HOTEL: Parmi Night $12, InnQUIZitive Trivia from 7.30pm till 10.30pm, amazing prizes, call to book your team’s spot THE LORD NELSON: Live music Thursdays, Fridays & Saturdays AIREYS INLET COMMUNITY HALL: Learn to Breakdance classes from 5pm till 6pm (Aireys Inlet) GEELONG PERFORMING ARTS CENTRE: Stephen Downes - A Lasting Record (drama, theatre) BEAV’S BAR: Dave Anderson performing live BRIDGE HOTEL: Dimi Dero (France), Tex Napalm (Germany) with Mike Noga supporting.

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Doors open from 8.30pm (Castlemaine) EUREKA HOTEL: Mike Metro with Simon One, TVB, Shorty J, Some Deckheads & more, free before 11pm

Friday February 22 THE GROVEDALE HOTEL: Sparrow @ The Godfather (Free) SPHINX HOTEL: Double Vision PETER LALOR HOTEL: Traffic Light Party at The Lalor YARRA HOTEL GEELONG: Revolution Fridays with original bands and djs from 9pm ELEPHANT & CASTLE: Thank Guinness It’s Friday BLACK HATT: Drink promos from 5pm till 7pm (free entry) Cor Ten performing live BAR PIZZA: DJ Merv & Drink Promos LAMBY’S BAR & RESTAURANT: Live bands & DJs open from 5pm THE LORD NELSON: Live music Thursdays, Fridays & Saturdays BELLBRAE HALL: Sing like nobody’s listening 6pm till 8pm (Bellbrae) BEACH HOUSE: Happy 2 Hours from 5pm till 7pm (Barwon Heads) GATEWAY HOTEL: Doug Bruce & Roo Arcus’ Cowboys and Honky Tonks Tour

TOAST NIGHTCLUB: 1ST Birthday Day Party with Yolanda Be Cool, Andy Murphy, Will Sparks, Torren Foot, Chardy, Press Play, Juicy & stacks more. Tickets $25 (inc. $20 drink card) from toastclub.com.au, doors open from 2pm till 10pm HOME HOUSE NIGHTCLUB: Suckmusic presents Nick Coleman, Adam Bartas, Matt Watkins, Keith Evans and Steve Camp plus DJ Kay Z downstairs THE BLUES TRAIN: Claude Hay, Mr Black & Blues, Anni Piper & Spoonful. Departs Queenscliff Railway Station at 6.30pm, tickets available via Ticketek or the Blues Train website www.thebluestrain.com.au (Queenscliff) THE LORD NELSON: Live music Thursdays, Fridays & Saturdays PAKO FESTA: The great Pako Parade from 11am, back to back performances on five stages from 12pm, roving street performers, workshops, exhibitions, kid’s activities, food stalls and after party visit www.pakofesta. com.au for more information (free event) TORQUAY CENTRAL FARMERS MARKET: Running from 8.30am till 1.30pm, Torquay Central car park BARWON HEADS MARKET: Hosted at the Barwon Heads’ Community Hall on the 3rd Saturday of every month in the mornings BEAV’S BAR: Nick Tabone live BARWON CLUB: SLAM Day - Sleep Decade & The Laughing Leaves plus This Weather, Altitude & The Underhanded. Tickets $5 EDGE BAR: Pete Chap DIGGERS ARMS HOTEL: Marcus Hayden performing live CITY QUARTER BAR: Jesse Reid WHITE EAGLE HOUSE: Terry Broun performing live WERRIBEE OPEN RANGE ZOO: African Beat Series - The Public Opinion Afro Orchestra (Werribee) MYNT LOUNGE: Didier Cohen (Werribee) KAROVA LOUNGE: Jungle Justice Music Festival (Ballarat)

BABUSHKA LOUNGE: Brett Franke (Temple of Tunes) performing live (Ballarat) EASTERN STATION: The River & The Road (Ballarat) EUREKA HOTEL: Retro Allstars Top 40 Party, free before 11pm CHINESE WHISPERS: Launching every Saturday night from upstairs of the Eureka Hotel building - coming up performances from Didier Cohen, Rob Pix, Peking Duk and more GROVEDALE HOTEL: Summer Sessions with Wayne Thompson IRISH MURPHY’S: Live music every Friday & Saturday night YARRA HOTEL GEELONG: Pop Saturdays featuring Momo, Nick James and more, free before 10pm ODYSSEY TAVERN & BREWERY: Jimmy & The Mex

Sunday February 24 SEBROSO: Sunday Session with Cuban Salsa Dancing, DJ Schmickey & Paella from the Pan PORTARLINGTON COMMUNITY MARKET: Held from 9am till 2pm in Parks Hall on Newcombe St BLUES CRUISE ON THE BAY: Hygeia 111 for enquiries please call 5254 1111 QUEENSCLIFF COMMUNITY MARKET: Held from 9am till 2pm BARWON CLUB: Luke Legs performing live in the Barn SHELFORD DUCK RACE: Live music, food drinks and plenty of entertainment. Free entry, although you can purchase a duck to enter the race for $10. Visit the Facebook page for more information facebook.com/#!/shelford. duck.race (Shelford, Golden Plains Shire) SMYTHESDALE COMMUNITY MARKET: Located in the Smythesdale Historical Precinct, Glenelg Highway from 9am till 2.30pm EDGE BAR: Jay & Mick (afternoon), Pete Chapman (night) WERRIBEE OPEN RANGE ZOO: African Beat Series - African Royal Drummers (Werribee) SLEEPY HOLLOW BLUES CLUB: Grizzly Brothers perform live. AGM from 3pm, jam session from 3.30pm till 5.30pm, band from 6pm and BBQ from 6.30pm. Held at the Geelong Trades Hall Basement. Entry $10 non-members, $5 members, BBQ priced seperately, BYO Drinks BABUSHKA LOUNGE: Mini Big Day Out 4 (Ballarat) ODYSSEY TAVERN & BREWERY: Both Sides

Monday February 25 ELEPHANT & CASTLE: $20 Steak & Drink night SPHINX HOTEL: 11 Meals for $11 LORD NELSON HOTEL: Steak/Parmi & Pot for $15 on presentation of student I.D SIDEWAVE: Periphery with Crossfaith at the Gershwin Room, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne)

hailmary

the universal

thursday feb 21 at the barwon club, geelong

friday march 1 at the yarra hotel, geelong

SIDEWAVE: Dragonforce with The Sword held at Billboard, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) ODYSSEY TAVERN & BREWERY: James Sidebottom

Tuesday February 26 LA TROBE UNIVERSITY: Drapht, Accross the Universe tour with N’Fa Jones & Seven X Mr Hill, tickets $25 plus bf (student discounts available), doors from 8pm ELEPHANT & CASTLE: $20 Steak & Drink night THE SPHINX HOTEL: 11 Meals for $11, Poker Night (free) GEELONG RSL: Steak Night $13 PETER LALOR: Trivia Tuesdays from 7.30pm with weekly cash jackpot (Ballarat) SIDEWAVE: Gallows, Shai Hulud, Confession & Milestones at The Corner Hotel, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Of Mice & Men with Chelsea Grin & While She Sleeps at The Hi Fi, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Mindless Self Indulgence with The Blackout & Cerebal Ballzy at Billboard, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne)

Wednesday February 27 UNIVERSITY OF BALLARAT: Birds of Tokyo with special guests Regular John, tickets on sale now. Held at the Sport & Rec Centre, Mt Helen Campus (Ballarat) DIGGERS ARMS HOTEL: Wednesday Night Wheel from 7pm, cash & prizes up for grabs!

ELEPHANT & CASTLE: Trivia Night from 8.30pm till 10.30pm THE SPHINX HOTEL: Steak Night from $16, Poker Night ($10 buy in) GEELONG RSL: Parma & Pot Night $13 BEAV’S BAR: Karaoke, Open Mic night CUDA BAR: Pyjama Party (Lorne)

BEAV’S BAR: Karaoke Open Mic with Dave Anderson live BRIDGE HOTEL: Mark Steiner (Solo) doors open from 8.30pm, tickets $10 (Castlemaine) SIDEWAVE: Flogging Molly with Lawrence Arms & Lucero held at The Palace, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Sleeping with Sirens at the Hi Fi, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Sylosis with Six Feet Under at The Corner Hotel, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Linkin Park with Stonesour at Rod Laver Arena, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Sick of it all with Madball at the Gershwin Room, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne)

Thursday February 28 THE WOOL EXCHANGE: Drapht, Accross the Universe tour with N’Fa Jones & Seven X Mr Hill, tickets $25 plus bf (student discounts available), doors from 8pm KAROVA LOUNGE: The Smith Street Band on the Young Drunks Tour, with The Bennies & guests (18+) (Ballarat) ELEPHANT & CASTLE: Drink promos & Giant Meat Raffle from 5pm till 8pm BLACK HATT: Tradies Night in the Bar from 5pm till 7pm, Open Mic from 7pm with acoustic, bands, solos & duets THE SPHINX HOTEL: Schnitzel Night from $13 THE MAX HOTEL: Parmi Night $12, InnQUIZitive Trivia from 7.30pm till 10.30pm, amazing prizes, call to book your team’s spot THE LORD NELSON: Live music Thursdays, Fridays & Saturdays AIREYS INLET COMMUNITY HALL: Learn to Breakdance classes from 5pm till 6pm (Aireys Inlet) BEAV’S BAR: Andy Forster live

CITY QUARTER BAR: Unplugged featuring 30 acts over 6 heats during 10 weeks, major prizes to be won for competition entrants, every Thursday from 7pm till 10pm BABUSHKA LOUNGE: Joe Oppenheimer performing live BRIDGE HOTEL: The Insurgents performing live from 8.30pm (Castlemaine) EUREKA HOTEL: Joel Fletcher with Simon One, TVB, Shorty J, Some Deckheads & more, free before 11pm SIDEWAVE: Duff McKagan’s Loaded featuring Danko Jones at the Gershwin Room, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Billy Talent of Sum 41 at The Palace, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Anthrax with This Is Hell at the Hi Fi, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Blood on the Dancefloor at Arrow on Swanston (all ages), tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Cypress Hill at The Forum, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne) SIDEWAVE: Puscifer on the Conditions of my Parole Tour held at the Palais Theatre, tickets available through OzTix (Melbourne)

Friday March 1 BLACK HATT: Raw Muscle - Male revue presale tickets $35, on the door $40 + Drink promos from 5pm till 7pm (free entry) MARTIAN’S CAFE: Timber & Steel present Little Wise on the Ride Now tour with support from Megan Bernard, tickets $10 from 3pm (Deans Marsh) YARRA HOTEL GEELONG: Revolution Fridays with original bands and djs from 9pm featuring The Universal, 8 Bit Love, Thomas Davey and DJ Indie Janglo ELEPHANT & CASTLE: Thank Guinness It’s Friday BAR PIZZA: DJ Merv & Drink Promos

ATT: FORTE READERS! we want to know what your up to so you can be included in the fortnightly calendar! please send the details of your event to bec@fortemag.com.au please provide your gig info at least one week prior to the event to guarantee your inclusion in the calendar.

LAMBY’S BAR & RESTAURANT: Live bands & DJs open from 5pm THE LORD NELSON: Live music Thursdays, Fridays & Saturdays GEELONG PERFORMING ARTS CENTRE: Ganesh Versus the Third Reich BEACH HOUSE: Happy 2 Hours from 5pm till 7pm (Barwon Heads) CUDA BAR: DJ Yuen from 10pm (Lorne) BEAV’S BAR: Steve Pianto live THE MAX HOTEL: Hey Charger (Free entry) KAROVA LOUNGE: Saskwatch performing live (Ballarat) BABUSHKA LOUNGE: Maddison Wilson performing live (Ballarat) EASTERN STATION: Ballarat Rock Revue from 6pm including performances from Jail Bird Rockers, The Pony Men & more (Ballarat) BRIDGE HOTEL: Checkerboard performing live with Guests TBC (Castlemaine) GROVEDALE HOTEL: Regular Boys performing live IRISH MURPHY’S: Live music every Friday & Saturday night SPHINX HOTEL: Traffic Jam SOUNDWAVE FESTIVAL: Metallica, Linkin Park, Blink 182, Cypruss Hill, The Offspring, Slayer, Anthrax & more. Flemington Racecourse, SOLD OUT EVENT (Melbourne) ODYSSEY TAVERN & BREWERY: Cal Young

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yolanda be cool saturday feb 23 at toast nightclub, geelong

Saturday March 2

VENUEGUIDE!

THE EUREKA

BARWON HEADS HOTEL: Pez performing live, tickets available through OZ Tix or from the venue, 18+ show (Barwon Heads) THE LOFT: The Smith Street Band on the Young Drunks Tour, with The Bennies & guests (18+) (Warrnambool) THE BLUES TRAIN: George Kamikawa & Noriko Todano, Jonno Zilber & Louis King, 4th act TBC. Departing Queenscliff Railway Station at 6.30pm.

Tickets available via Ticketek or the Blues Train website www.thebluestrain.com.au (Queenscliff) THE LORD NELSON: Live music Thursdays, Fridays & Saturdays CUDA BAR: High & Lonesome Duo from 7.30pm BEAV’S BAR: Butters live BARWON CLUB: Glittergang GOLDEN PLAINS FARMERS MARKET: Held from 9am till 1pm on the corner of Milton and High Streets (Bannockburn) THE MAX HOTEL: Adventure Playground (Free entry) BRIDGE HOTEL: Fourteen Nights at Sea with The Coves from 8.30pm. tickets $8 (Castlemaine) EUREKA HOTEL: Retro Allstars Top 40 Party, free before 11pm CHINESE WHISPERS: Launching every Saturday night from upstairs of the Eureka Hotel building - coming up performances from Didier Cohen, Rob Pix, Peking Duk and more GROVEDALE HOTEL: Summer Sessions with Jax & Jais HOME HOUSE NIGHTCLUB: Special Event featuring Spin Easy (NYC), Seany B & Jack Love IRISH MURPHY’S: Live music every Friday & Saturday night YARRA HOTEL GEELONG: Pop Saturdays featuring Crank, Joel Cotton, Breanden Walker & more, free before 10pm ODYSSEY TAVERN & BREWERY: Hop Stomping Zydgators

THE BARKING DOG

THE gateway HOTEL

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Sunday March 3 BARWON CLUB: The Smith Street Band on the Young Drunks Tour, with The Bennies & guests 4pm show (18+) SEBROSO: Sunday Session with Cuban Salsa Dancing, DJ Schmickey & Paella from the Pan BRIDGE HOTEL: Broderick Smith (The Dingoes) and Guests from 4pm, free (Castlemaine) ODYSSEY TAVERN & BREWERY: Cameron Oates

Monday March 4 ELEPHANT & CASTLE: $20 Steak & Drink night SPHINX HOTEL: 11 Meals for $11 HOME HOUSE NIGHTCLUB: Deakin University Kick Start Party (Students Only) from 8pm till 3am featuring Samuel James & Shameless LORD NELSON HOTEL: Steak/Parmi & Pot for $15 on presentation of student I.D

Tuesday March 5 ELEPHANT & CASTLE: $20 Steak & Drink night THE SPHINX HOTEL: 11 Meals for $11, Poker Night (free)

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98 Little Malop St. Geelong

126 Pakington St. Geelong West

218-230 Princess Hwy. Corio

BARWON CLUB

THE GROVEDALE HOTEL

509 Moorabool St. South Geelong

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BARWON HEADS HOTEL

236-258 Surfcoast Highway

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GROWLERS

1 Bridge Rd. Barwon Heads

23 The Esplanade.

Torquay

THE BASEMENT 159

HOME HOUSE

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159 Moorabool St. Geelong

40-42 Moorabool St. Geelong

BEAVS BAR

IRISH MURPHY'S

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77 Little Malop St. Geelong

30 Aberdeen St. Geelong

THE BENDED ELBOW BALLARAT

JACK AND JILL

120 Lydiard St (North). Ballarat

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THE BENDED ELBOW GEELONG

247 Moorabool St. Geelong

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LAMBYS

Cnr of Moorabool & Brougham St. Geelong

69 Yarra St. Geelong

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black hatt

2 Gheringhap St. Geelong

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THE MAX

54 Little Myers St. Geelong

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THE BLUESTONE

11 Malop St. Geelong

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MR. HYDE

103 Marr St. Ballarat

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Bridge hotel castlemaine

191 Moorabool St. Geelong

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THE NATIONAL HOTEL

21 Walker St. Castlemain

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CITY QUARTER

Cunningham Pier, Geelong

611 Surfcoast Hwy. Mount Duneed

CLOUD 9

OPIUM BAR

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odyssey

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96 Pakington St. Geelong West

15 James St. Geelong

Club TITANIUM

331 Mair St. Ballarat

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Peter Lalor Hotel

99 Ryrie St, Geelong

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eastern station

5 James St. Geelong

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RUMORS

81 Humffray St Nth. Ballarat

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THE EDGE

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SLATE Pool Lounge

50 Little Ryrie St. Geelong

1/6-8 Eastern Beach Rd. Geelong

THE SPHINX

ELEPHANT AND CASTLE

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158 McKillop St. Geelong

2 Thompson Rd. North Geelong

TOAST

114 Moorabool St. Geelong

GEELONG RSL: Steak Night $13 PETER LALOR: Trivia Tuesdays from 7.30pm with weekly cash jackpot (Ballarat) BRIDGE HOTEL: Tuesday Night Trivia hosted by Lifon Uranus from 7.30pm, free (Castlemaine)

Wednesday March 6 DIGGERS ARMS HOTEL: Wednesday Night Wheel from 7pm, cash & prizes up for grabs!

ELEPHANT & CASTLE: Trivia Night from 8.30pm till 10.30pm THE SPHINX HOTEL: Steak Night from $16, Poker Night ($10 buy in) GEELONG RSL: Parma & Pot Night $13 BEAV’S BAR: Karaoke, Open Mic night and Andy Forster live

Tim Finn

By Cameron Brogden

Tim Finn is perhaps the greatest thing New Zealand has produced since universal suffrage. As frontman and chief songwriter for Split Enz, as well as his brief stint with Crowded House, his solo work and his duo with his brother Neil, Tim is one of the best songwriters on either side of the Tasman, perhaps even one of the best in the world.

I made a Trans-Tasman phonecall to discuss everything from his early days right through to next month’s Port Fairy Folk Festival.

it his second home. “Split Enz owe a great debt to Australia, the people of Australia, the rock ‘n’ roll fans from the seventies and eighties. We basically thrived over there, and I stayed, living there for many years in Melbourne and Sydney, I married an Australian girl, our first child was born there. So I’ve got pretty deep ties with the place.” He said.

This is Tim’s first time playing at Port Fairy. “I’ve heard great things about it from other musicians, so I’m really looking forward to it,” says Tim. Over the years, Tim has spent a lot of time in Australia, he considers

So where does it all come from? What made Tim Finn become a musician in the first place? Tim had this to say on the subject: “Growing up in the sixties, and that overwhelming deluge of amazing music coming

The work never stops for Tim, he’s always got something on the boil. “I’m developing a couple of theatre shows, one’s a musical, and one’s more like a show about being a Pākehā (white) New Zealander, like identity, what does it mean to be of Anglo-Irish decent living in New Zealand. (I’m) going back through the ages, family histories, photos, journals and then writing new songs for that. And like I said, I’m developing a musical. Behind the scenes kind of work, I’m writing a lot of songs and feeling inspired.”

out of England and America. I just fell in love with it, particularly the English groups from that period, The Beatles and The Kinks, The Move, Small Faces, bands like that who were experimenting with song forms, and kind of the beginnings of psychodelia sort of coming into pop music. It was an amazing period, and so I couldn’t help but be inspired.”

And in those early days, he had some inkling of just how high he would climb. “I certainly dreamed a lot of big dreams for Split Enz, we felt we were destined for greatness, it just took us a lot longer than we thought.

It took us about eight years to break through really, but we were pretty solid through those eight years, we had a lot of great times and made good records. We had big dreams, like any band, I think, when they start, they dream big, and it gets you through all the hard stuff,” Tim recalls.

And even after being in one of the biggest rock bands Australia and New Zealand have ever seen, Tim just can’t stop working. “I knew it felt like we hit the top, I mean, where’s the top I suppose. After a while it sort of becomes less about ambition and wanting to achieve greatness, it just becomes about the song you’re working on that day. The songwriting itself is the most intoxicating part of it, ultimately. When I play these festivals, I do a lot of songs from the past that people know, and it’s a great connection point between me and the crowd, but when I get off stage, I’m most interested in the song that I’m currently working on. That’s where my fascination lies. It’s kind of an interesting life, to go from one to the other, to go from the performing side, which is all about the energy and the rush that happens with me and the crowd, and back home I’m a songwriter, and I’m really excited about the one I’m working on now. It’s nice to be able to move between those two.”

From 2005 to 2011, Tim and brother Neil were the subject of three tribute albums, together referred to as They Will Have Their Way, where the generation of artists inspired by the Finn brothers’ works reinterpreted their songs. “It feels great, we feel lucky I think, that people would want to cover our songs, and interpret them in different ways, it’s a gift for any songwriter to be given that.” Tim said of the project. “It sort of comes from the fact that the guy who worked at EMI, John O’Donnell, was a real fan of our songs and he encouraged those projects, and brought them to life. It was nothing that Neil and I had any involvement in, we just sat back and kind of marvelled at it.”

“It’s interesting to be covered, to have a song covered, it gives you the extra bit of validity almost,” he added.

“Somehow for a songwriter, it’s like “Oh, right, I must have written a real song afterall,” because you never feel like you live up to your idols, or your heroes, and that helps to give it validity. It sounds like false modesty, but I think it’s healthy for a songwriter to keep their sense of awe towards the heroes that they’ve grown up with,” Tim explains.

As for who he’s listening to at the moment, he tries to keep it modern. “We went out the other night and saw Alabama Shakes, which I really enjoyed, love their new stuff. There’s an album coming out from a New Zealand band, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, there’s a song on that that I’m currently falling in love with. I think it’s called ‘So Good At Being In Trouble’, (it’s) an amazing song.”

When&Where: Port Fairy Folk Festival: March 8-11, Southcombe Park, Port Fairy, Victoria

Live Music Thursday, Friday & all day Sunday Edge Geelong

@EdgeBarGeelong

Ph: (03) 5222 2666 | edgegeelong.com.au | enquiries@edgegeelong.com.au | 6–8 Eastern Beach Rd, Geelong, Victoria, 3220 FORTEMAG.COM.AU

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Drapht

By Natalie Rogers

Drapht is a man on a mission – to spread the love and give everyone the opportunity to party with him. In the next two months, Drapht will be travelling the country with his four-piece band as part of his ‘The Uni-Verse’ tour which includes support from some Aussie mates.

The man himself explained: “This tour is to say thankyou to everyone who has supported me, and to give back some of the love I’ve been shown through the years. These places I’ve chosen to play were picked because they are where I’ve always been really well received. I want to make the shows accessible to everyone, and we will be offering discounted tickets to uni students.”

Accompanying him on the road will be close pal and Perth local N’fa Jones, who featured on Drapht’s ‘Bali Party’ and the current track doing the rounds, ‘1990s’, with the second slot belonging to Queensland new-kids-on-the-block, Seven and Mr Hill.

Taking in several regional gigs and finishing in his beloved home town of Perth, ‘The Uni-Verse’ tour will act as a stellar ending to the whirlwind success of the last few years. Since commanding the attention of the country with the release of 2011’s Life of Riley, which earned him an ARIA for Best Urban Release, and joining the ranks of Aussie hip hop royalty such as Hilltop Hoods and Bliss n Eso, Drapht has a new outlook on his life and career.

“I now realise that people will pay their hard earned money to come to see me, so I’m more mindful of

The Correspondents

By Natalie Rogers

Here is your chance to see the DJ duo that was voted one of the top ten acts at the world-famous, celebrity-drenched Glastonbury Festival. On their way downunder for the first time ever, DJ Chuck (aka Tim), and his emcee Mr Bruce (sometimes known as Ian), are ecstatic to be part of the star-studded Womad Festival line-up, as well as finding time to drop by Melbourne’s iconic Spiel Tent.

“We can’t wait to get over there and see everyone. We haven’t even been over on a holiday, but we will probably be hiding in the shade with burnt ears - like typical poms we’re afraid of getting sunburnt,” Tim joked, “but we can’t wait to get out there.”

With an eclectic mix of musical tastes from jazz to 60’s beat, electro to dubstep to drum’n’bass, and known for their flamboyant costumes and equally outrageous dance moves - thankfully Ian has fully recovered after breaking his foot while attempting a new move – even the most experienced party punter may have trouble keeping up. “I’ve been told it can get to about 40 degrees at this time of year, so we’re going to have to keep Ian well ventilated and cool. I believe we can re–translate our set to the Australian crowds, who I’m sure are very up for it. We have in store for you very lively, up-tempo, multi–genre dance madness. It’s me on the decks and Ian, our singer and dancer extraordinaire, will hopefully keep everyone sweating and having fun on the dance floor,” Ian promises.

Well they must be doing something right to be noticed by

Vision Of Disorder

By Paul S Taylor

The mid to late 90’s weren’t the best time for heavy metal. Pantera were on their way out and Korn were on their way in. Pantera were the band to close a long and exciting time for metal, while Korn opened a diluted time for metal. Between those two eras and bands, sat the unfairly underrated Long Island band by the name of Vision Of Disorder.

VOD released four brutally searing and abrasive albums between 1996 and 2001 with Tim Williams keeping it all together with his ferocious vocals.

In 2001, the band split and no one ever thought VOD would return from this indefinite hiatus to tear shit up. But they’re back with their new album The Cursed Remain Cursed and are heading back to our shores after way too long. I spoke to with Tim ahead of VOD’s Soundwave and Sidewave dates.

It’s no secret VOD were the pioneers of what’s now known as hardcore/screamo/metalcore/what ever it is they call it these days. Fact is, without VOD there’d be no bands like Parkway Drive and that’s the point. “As the years progressed while we were on our little hiatus there we got to see a lot of bands do kinda what we did and so we got really big off of it and others just, you know, kept chipping away,” Tim tells me. “(But) for me, that never really mattered to me, what really mattered to me was I stayed into the music no matter what and it’s like a journey, sometimes you’re bigger and then

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that in everything I do,” he revealed. “I’ve begun to focus a lot more energy on the live shows, and not so much just getting f*cked up on stage like I did when I was younger.

I’m in a good place in my career and I’m so happy with life at the moment.”

Life wasn’t always so bright for the ARIA winner, and he was candid about his past: “I was drinking while recording Life of Riley.

I was waking up with a hangover trying to record my songs, and there is nothing worse. It [becoming sober] has opened up an infinite amount of new worlds. Rather than just drinking I’m really living it. It’s something that is very personal, but for me it works with my lifestyle. Now I’m not slurring or stumbling over my words - I can really give my all in a performance.”

Having proved himself on the national scene with the respect of his peers and the public, Drapht has thrown himself into many different projects, including starting his own label, ‘The Ayems’. “It’s a lot of hard work, but I love the feeling of not having a major label breathing down my neck, to hurry my next record or to push me in my creative direction. I love being able to release my music whenever I want and in the style I want, with no pressure from anyone, but I’ve got a lot on – I’m self-managed, I run the record label, I’m building a café at the moment, and I am just about to go out on this tour, so I’m very busy.”

Regardless of where you may be, chances are Drapht will be hitting up a town near you in the coming months with a promise of performing all your favourite tracks, plus two brand new ones.

When&Where: February 26 - La Trobe University, Bendigo & February 28 - The Wool Exchange, Geelong

the organisers of Glastonbury, where they’re now a regular on the festival bill: “Oh it’s absolutely brilliant - we’ve been there pretty much every year on one stage or another – it’s such a huge festival that there are plenty of opportunities. Our favourite stage is the After Burner stage which is this huge metal construction that is basically like a tower with huge spider’s legs coming off it. The DJ’s booth is right at the top of the tower and the stage is underneath. It’s always the most fun - our favourite festival to do.”

Hopefully Australia will become one of The Correspondents’ new favourite places to play, with the buzz surrounding them reaching fever pitch over the imminent release of their long awaited debut album. “We’ve got our album coming out hopefully in September,” Tim revealed. “It’s still not quite finished but we are almost there. It’s an album that has taken almost five years to make. When Ian broke his foot, there was a small silver-lining because it gave us time to really get into recording the album.

We’ve been doing this for quite a while now, so it’ll be good to finally get something out there.”

To kept busy while he was recovering from his unfortunate accident, Ian set himself the task of creating a hand-drawn, animated video to accompany the first single of the yet to be released album. Taking over three months, and containing 2232 frames to complete, it’s well worth a look. “Our latest single ‘Well Measured Vice’ is really just social commentary, opposing censorship in a light-hearted way, but we have had a few amusing YouTube comments,” Tim laughed.

Check it out, along with all the gig info at www. thecorrespondents.co.uk sometimes you’re smaller, you’re more underground, you’re focussed and in the studio a lot and not so much in the public eye. But it seems like VOD got bigger over the years and people came up to me and kinda paid us respect,” Tim explains.

During the time that VOD were laying low, Tim spent time on other projects, one of which has finished up. It’s unclear if there’ll be another VOD album any time soon but Tim is happy to talk about a project he has been working on. “I’ve actually started working on a solo record, it’s just me and I’ve been writing over the last couple of years, just stuff around my apartment and I hadn’t shown anybody, just stuff for myself, you know, me playing guitar and stuff like that. Then I actually started showing it to people and it’s a very, very rough thing, it’s got a long way to go, you know, it’s very stripped down, and the people I showed it to really, really liked it, so I’m probably going to push forward and record an EP but it’s going to be a little while.”

If you’re a fan of VOD then you’ll know their later stuff wasn’t as abrasive as their earlier stuff while Tim’s vocals were a lot cleaner.

“There won’t be much yelling at all (on the solo EP), it’s going to be a curve ball, it’s what I wanna do and it’s what I feel. It’s going to be raw, organic and mellow, but it’s not going to be a heavy thing at all.”

When&Where: February 27 - Sidewave Show, The Espy, & March 1 - Soundwave Festival, Melbourne Showgrounds

When&Where: March 9 & 10 - Womadelaide Festival, Womad, Adelaide

TALK OF THE

TOWN!

Keepin' it Regional!

little wise

BY POPULAR DEMAND

aireys inlet open mic fest

the peter lalor hotel

Gorge Camorra [Cloud 9 Bar]

“ We are currently producing a CD with the mindset to topple Britney Spears...” - Dog Gone South

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TALK OF THE TOWN! Talk of the Town: We’re kicking off our Sunday shoes.

Coming up you have… .........................................................................

The Resignators Flame On In 2005 the music world was introduced to psychoska band The Resignators. They looked harmless enough; like the kind of band you would take home to meet your mum. But something lurked beneath the surface, something that would take them around the country and to international territory. It was a ska sound so catchy that with a rattle of the drum or tooting of the horn you were hooked. In 2006 the band hit the studio to record their first EP, Offbeat Feeling. In 2009 the band headed for the South by South West music conference where their release Offbeat Time - a combo of the band’s debut EP and album - was lapped up by the ska lovers. 40 shows across the US and Canada followed. Their brandspanking new album is Down in Flames. The Loft, Warrnambool - March 22; The Bridge, Castlemaine - March 23; Dooley’s, Daylesford - March 31. .........................................................................

Experience the Paul Kidney Experience Sometimes when it comes to writing blurbs words fail me. Luckily, Paul Wadsworth, aka Paul Kidney of the Paul Kidney Experience, has a finer way with words. He introduces his Experience thusly: “Paul Kidney Experience have brought a blast of psychedelia / free jazz / noise, and as for the man himself, imagine Sun Ra and Iggy Pop playing nude table tennis with John Coltrane, and Kim Salmon in a scene from Holy Mountain.” Now, as someone who has played their fair share of nude table tennis, this is a mighty fine summation of the band. Formed towards the end of 2009 the psychedelic freak grunge outfit released their debut album Radio Transmissions in January 2011. The “high priest of musical carnage” will run amuck at The Bridge, Castlemaine on February 22. .........................................................................

Exit Crowd Stage Left Things were a little different when Exit Crowd first started shaping up as a band. First up, their name was Mountain Face. Secondly, their music was very different. But let’s not get bogged down with such details. Members Brodie Rogers, Jack Telford and Declan Leevers were dividing their time between jamming on post-grunge tunes and experimenting with reggae and funk sounds in their school music class. The latter won out in the end and soon the band’s brand of crazy funk and ska was skanking up the Castlemaine area. Rounded out by Chris Teed and Brennan Hamilton-Smith, Exit Crowd has some brand-spanking new tunes to try out at The Bridge, Castlemaine on March 1. They will be joined by the scattered improv-infused blues/soul sound of Checkerboard. .........................................................................

Easter Sunday Blues Tram You know when you’re on a tram and some bellend with crappy taste in music has their iPod cranked up so loud you can easily make out their crappy music?

It sucks, right? Well, with Bendigo’s Blues Tram you don’t have to worry about that. It speaks for itself really. A limited number of lucky music enthusiasts will step aboard a tram and enjoy a rollicking ride around town as they listen to some first-class music.

There is one coming up on Easter Sunday, March 30 and although you still have a bit of time until then,

it is a popular event and you don’t want to be left stranded. Alawishus Jones and Damien Neil are lined up for the Easter Sunday shenanigans and there is a lot to love about that. For full information have a peek at facebook.com/bendigobluesroots.

While you’re there it will give you a prime opportunity to check out all the news about the 2013 Bendigo Blues and Roots Music Festival.

Lounge (Werribee) and countless other events (many Geelong based) over the past six years; we’ve had a taste and decided to up the ante. Our mantra at Love That Music has always been ‘one’s a crowd, two’s a party’ – we’ve got the crowd, and Geelong, they’ll be the party.”

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Jazz at your Place

Ballarat Rock Revue

Melbourne singer and jazz pianist Jade Leonard has clocked up over 200 in-home performances in metro Melbourne but now she is venturing out into regional Victoria as her popularity grows. But here is the difference. Jade is offering the opportunity to turn the homes of regional Victorians into intimate jazz clubs. How cool is that? You not only get an amazing gig but one hell of a story. She is a super houseguest as well. Jazz at your Place began as a commitment by Jade to perform every single day of the year. The one-month, fifteen-date tour is being supported by the Federal Office for the Arts through Contemporary Music Touring Program.

Jade is offering performances to residents living in Apollo Bay, Warrnambool, Hamilton, Stawell, Nhill, Mildura, Swan Hill, Echuca, Shepparton, Wangaratta, Tallangatta, Omeo, Orbost, Welshpool and Inverloch. The songbird will also conduct free vocal workshops and is seeking music teachers, schools or choirs interested in hosting a workshop. If any of this sounds interesting visit jazzatyourplace.com.

I wanna rock. Has there ever been, or will there ever be, a greater way to start a song than by the word’s of Twisted Sister’s ‘I Wanna Rock’? The answer is no. It is too awesome. But you can try. And giving it a red hot go is Melbourne “Funkadelic Buzzsaw Blues” addicts Jailbird Jokers. The trio is part of the awesome Rock Revue show at Ballarat’s Eastern Station Hotel on March 2 which also features the talents of The Pony Men, The Howling Bedlam, The Electric SunKings, Aztec Whore Moan and Vinegar Hill. Let’s meet Jailbird Jokers though. The band has been going about business since 2006 and learnt their craft through the teachings of Hendrix, Nirvana, The Beatles and Iggy Pop. Their debut album is The Creep in Suburbia and it will put hair on your chest. *Note: this will be their first fully electrified Ballarat show. .........................................................................

Holy Holly-J! In 2006 New Zealander Holly-J decided she needed to break from her hometown of Wanganui and make the trek to Australia. Melbourne was in her sights and showing the male DJ’s how it is done was her game plan. Her attitude of ‘anything you can do I can do better’ has served her well as she has become one of the hottest DJs in Melbourne. She has even earned the title of ‘The Queen of the Underground’ and one’s cred always takes a mighty leap when you get a cool title. Holly serves up a floor-filling mix of bouncy electro and Dutch-style house. She has held down residencies at some of Melbourne’s trendiest venues while names including Tiesto, Axwell and Paul Oakenfold have Holly in their corner. She also presents the red-hot Bounce’N’Bass dance music show. The Wharf, Warrnambool - February 22. .........................................................................

All Aboard the Queenscliff Blues Train For those out there that love their information in convenient bite-size pieces, here is what you need to know about the Queenscliff Blues Train: One steam train, four carriages, 200 people, Australia’s best blues musicians, dinner and show. For those that love a little more info, here we go. The Blues Train departs from Queenscliff and gently makes its way along the Bellarine Railway. At each stop travellers swap carriages and settle in to enjoy some fresh new music. A good, hearty meal is also served up and you can even enjoy a drink or two. Places are still available for March, April and May but you had best be quick because it is a train ride like no other. Artists include Louis King, Mojo Webb, Lloyd Spiegel with Jimi Hocking, Wayne Jury, Blues Mountain Trio and Andrea Marr. For further information and booking details be sure to hit thebluestrain.com.au.

The Yard Apes meet La Bastard In the beginning, when God was doing his thing, the Devil was at play with The Yard Apes. And what a job he did. He infused them with rock and roll. He gave them swagger. He gave them atti-dude. He said to them, ‘Go out into the world and do me proud.’ So, in 2009, they set forth with their primitive garage rock and roll.

In 2011 they released their debut album, appropriately titled Devil’s Road. In the spirit of rock ‘n’ roll, the album carries a theme of trusting the wrong people, losing your mind and getting loose with the devil.

Ah, nothing like repaying the faith. Fellow Melbourne band La Bastard too has a touch of the devil within. Hopped up on surf/60s/ rockabilly, the band recently welcomed their sophomore album Tales from the Beyond.

It’s going to be a night of sin at The Karova, Ballarat on March 2.

The Wonders of Pako Festa Final Reminder: This Saturday, February 23, Geelong hosts Pako Festa, the largest celebration of cultural diversity in Australia.

The event stretches way back to 1983 and attracts up to 100,000 people from all walks of life to enjoy cultural food, folk dancing, the Pako Parade, workshops, art exhibitions, films and craft displays. While the Pako Parade is undoubtedly the highlight, the event offers so much more. The best thing you can do is check out the website given below but to get you started among the activities will be various choirs and dance groups that will present the styles of their homeland. Rory Ellis and The Mojo Corner will be among the music identities while the Channel 7 Stage will welcome among other things some familiar Channel 7 faces.

There is plenty for the little ones too making it a family-friendly event. Under the banner of Wonders of the World, 2013’s Pako Festa is sure to be another winner. For a full rundown of the event hit pakofesta.com.au.

Barbecue and Beats Throughout February, March and April Surf Coast skate parks will come alive with Barbecue and Beats. Jointly run by the awesome people at Council’s Youth Development and Barwon Youth, the Thursday afternoon/evening fests are all about having a good time. There will be tunes and food as the name suggests plus free giveaways. A couple of events have already taken place but more are to come. Please take note: Winchelsea - February 28 (4.30pm) & April 4 (4.30pm); Torquay - March 7 (3.15pm); Lorne - March 14 (3.15pm); Deans Marsh - March 14 (5.30pm); Aireys Inlet - March 28 (4pm); Anglesea - March 28 (5.30pm). Surf Coast Shire Major, Cr Libby Corker: “Barbecue and Beats is all about continuing to foster these connections over the first term of the school year, to make information about services available and to provide an enjoyable, relaxed atmosphere.” Events will be weather dependent. For further information please visit facebook.com/surfcoastyouth.

Chinese Whispers Nightclub Here is a clue about this blurb: purple monkey dishwasher. Got it? Yep, we’re talking about Chinese Whispers. It’s a lame segue in order to introduce an awesome new nightclub night that shares its name. Love That Music has collaborated with Darryn Lyons of The Big Group for the weekly project. The space will set up shop on the corner of Shorts Place in Geelong town centre every Saturday night. It kicked off on February 16 so here’s hoping you were there. Love That Music Director James Fava had this to say: “With the success of Mynt

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ballarat / bendigo / geelong / surfcoast / warrnambool / werribee

Drinking with The Smith Street Band

A Fool for Jordie Lane

Melbourne rocking and rolling and altogether rollicking folk-punksters The Smith Street Band are slowly winding up their Young Drunk tour and if you haven’t yet had a chance to catch them, well, you’re missing out on a whole lotta fun. Don’t let their website introduction of “A shitty band from Melbourne who enjoy mock meat and alcohol” put you off. They’re just having a laugh. Or perhaps they just need a hug.

Eh, it doesn’t matter. The truth of the matter is that they’re in fine form at the moment.

They’re album Sunshine & Technology is doing well and their single ‘Young Drunk’, which comes with a film clip shot at The Tote, shows a band that is a million miles from shitty. The jury is still out on the mock meat thing. The Karova, Ballarat - February 28; The Loft, Warrnambool - March 2; The Barwon Club, Geelong - March 3.

Roots singer-songwriter Jordie Lane has made a second home for himself on the road. Given that his popularity continues to climb ever higher it is no wonder he racks up the clicks. The busy start to his year kicks off with his appearance at Toronto’s massive Folk Alliance festival where 14 shows were lined up in four days. But as much as we love our Canadian friends, that is there and we are more interested in here.

The tour is in promotion of his new single ‘Fool for Love’. And that single is a taste of his forthcoming 2013 album. ‘Fool for Love’ is a break from his folky troubadour style and instead takes a walk down the whirlwind celebratory road.

What that means for the album is your call. Theatre Royal, Castlemaine - March 15. Note: Lane is also performing at the Apollo Bay Music Festival.

Aireys Inlet Open Mic Festival

Bendigo’s Groovin’ the Moo Sold Out Quick bite: Well, my friends, you have to move quickly in this world. Or in the case of Groovin’ the Moo, mooooove quickly. Within 48 hours of going on sale tickets sold out for the Bendigo leg on May 4. Now, maybe you will get lucky and a limited number will go on sale at a later date. Maybe you have a friend with an extra to spare. Perhaps you will even get lucky on eBay - even though you will have to pay a little extra because scalpers are horrible human beings who should be flayed. Anyway, I hope you scored some. Good luck with the rest.

It’s What The Sunny Cowgirls Do One of country music’s hottest names at the moment is The Sunny Cowgirls. Siblings Sophie and Celeste Clabburn spent their earliest years on a farm in Hamilton, Victoria before the family headed for Perth when the sisters were at primary school age. Music was a part of their lives but it wasn’t until 2005 when things picked up speed. They secured a place in the CMAA College of Country Music, held before the Tamworth Country Music Festival each year. They signed a record deal and released their first album, Little Bit Rusty. Several albums have followed including their latest, What We Do. What they do best is serve up country music of the land and country music of the heart. Tip your hat and say hello to the gals at The Gateway Hotel on March 15.

Ainslie Wills Goin’ Her Own Way On March 4 Melbourne indie pop artist Ainslie Wills will release her debut album, You Go Your Way, I’ll Go Mine. The album, which was recorded over ten days at a beach house in the dead of winter, is already causing some big, happy smiles in the music world and Bendigo residents are the lucky souls who will be able to enjoy the album in a live setting first with Wills launching the album at The Vine on April 13. The music world was teased with two singles last year. Wills, who has become a familiar face through tours with Gossling, Husky and The Paper Kites, not to mention an appearance on SBS’ very cool RockWiz, describes her music as neo folk rock.

She graduated from VCA in 2005 and released a self-produced and self-recorded self-titled EP. Bigger things await this songbird so get on down to the show. .........................................................................

The Snowdroppers Move On In 2007 four Sydney misfits came together with the goal of introducing blues music to a new generation of music lovers. It was not to be just any blues mind you. It was to be blues with a punk punch. They christened themselves The Snowdroppers, a 1920’s slang term for cocaine, and it didn’t take long for people to catch a dose of the blues. The first taste of the band came with the EP Bottom of the Trough which featured originals and 1920’s blues classics - you know, the ones out of copyright. The good times continued to roll with their debut full-length

album Too Late to Pray and now, a few years later, the band is coughing up their sophomore album, Moving Out of Eden. Fans can look forward to that one dropping on March 22. They can also look forward to a show at The Bridge, Castlemaine on April 6. With Little Bastard. .........................................................................

Aboard the Yacht Club DJs Always the first to arrive at a party and always the last to leave - sometimes several days later after they finally realise they keep waking up in a place that is not their home - the party hardy Yacht Club DJs are like a triple shot of guarana. Last year saw the release of the dynamic duo’s They Mostly Come at Night…Mostly mixtape. Some of you may recognise that as a line from Aliens. Others probably couldn’t care less because they simply dig the mixtape. Comprised of over 500 samples from various artists spanning a wide range of genres, the mixtape was a massive effort and was well received.

But they love to perform and perform they shall at The Karova, Ballarat on April 6. Prepare for another big night of tunes where genres are thrown into a sack and made to breed. .........................................................................

Jordan Millar & Jack Carty Jordan Millar and Jack Carty are two independent singer-songwriters worth keeping an eye on. They have both been going about their music business

steadily and are compiling a fair ol’ music resume.

For those unfamiliar with the names, here is a bit of background. Millar grew up listening to a lot of Motown and Steely Dan while the sounds of Hendrix, The Beatles and Nick Drake were humming in Carty’s household. Millar picked up his first guitar as he tried to nut out an Oasis song. Carty started off with drums before he picked up the guitar as a way to accompany his singing. And both guys love the guitar. Love it. Millar spent a long time searching for his perfect guitar while Carty built his dream guitar with a little help from his friends. Yep, just as I introduced the blurb, these two independent singersongwriters are worth keeping an eye on. The Loft, Warrnambool - March 23. .........................................................................

Eaglehawk Dahlia & Arts Festival Quick bite: There will be foot traffic a-plenty when the Eaglehawk Dahlia & Arts Festival takes place next month, March 13 through 24. The festival began as an initiative by Eaglehawk residents to promote the region and provide an array of attractions for the community. The first festival was opened by the Governor of Victoria Sir Rohan Delacombe and in 2013 it celebrates its 42nd outing. Highlights of the event include the Street Procession on March 16 and Family Day on March 17. For a full program rundown hit dahlia.bendigo.net.au. .........................................................................

Deans Marsh Festival Quick bite: In time for its annual event next month, a new Deans Marsh Festival website is up and running. The event, which takes place on March 23 & 24, welcomes a host of activities that will not only get you more familiar with the region but provide a day out for the family. March 23 activities include The Poets Dinner, Sustainability Bus Tours and Guided Otway Bike Ride while March 24 activities include the Community Rock Choir and Orchestra, Local Food, Wine and Produce and Art and Craft Exhibitions. Take a look at deansmarshfestival.com. au for further information. *Gold coin donation for entry.

The sixth annual Aireys Inlet Open Mic Festival takes place this March, 15 through 17, and there is once again a healthy energy about it. Over 175 artists of all types will take to various stages including a superduper mystery guest. And guess what?

The festival is free entry! The artists and bands have started to roll in thick and fast so let’s get to some of them. You have: Alana Porter, Alex Pye, Farquarharson, Dog Gone South, Jessey Jackson, Kathryn Kelly, Tristen Bird, Zoe Culton, Squid, Stephanie Chang, Paul Reid, Josh Dance, Southern Light, Rachael Brennan, Gavin Wright, Georgina Hughes, Cookie Baker and Altitude. And that, my friends, is just a small taste. Various workshops will also take place throughout the festival. To keep up to date the best thing you can do is bookmark aireysinlet.com.au.

The Hornets Have the Right Stuff Quick bite: The Hornets are one of Australia’s leading blues and roots bands. In fact, The Age called them “The best blues band in Melbourne.”

And they don’t say that about just anyone. Led

by Craig Horne, the band can appear as anything from a duo to a six-piece depending on the need.

Yep, they’re just that good and versatile. Their most recent album is Good Stuff! which may come across as bragging unless you had been called the best blues band in Melbourne. Piping Hot Chicken Shop - March 16. .........................................................................

Anything but Generik Quick bite: Brisbane-based producer Generik is anything but his name suggests. With remixes, mash-ups and originals productions - not to mention an insatiable thirst for putting on a killer show - his tunes have filled dance floors around the country. Sure he rubs shoulders with A-list DJs the world-over but he keeps it real. Ya feel me? He is also responsible for Summer Festival Anthems 2013, a whopping double-disc compilation of all your summer festival favourites. Eureka Hotel, Geelong - February 23. .........................................................................

Jungle Justice Music Festival Quick bite: Local designers Jungle Justice and Callum Noonan have teamed up for a ‘Pretend’ Music Festival at The Karova, Ballarat on February 23. Really, the festival is about a few things: One - Showing your best moves on the dance floor; Two - Checking out the Jungle Justice and Callum Noonan designs; Three - Having a good time. What is not to love about that? As for Jungle Justice, they steer away from the V-Neck/massive print thing and has instead focus on simplicity.

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TALK OF THE TOWN!

ballarat / bendigo / geelong / surfcoast / warrnambool / werribee

Leave it to Something for Kate

It was a most joyous time for Something for Kate fans last year. Most joyous because the band released their comeback album Leave Your Soul to Science. If the pressure was felt by the band after their lengthy absence it didn’t reflect in the end product. Sputnik Music called the album a “record that breathes a breath of fresh in the Australian music culture that is stuck in the monotony of mindless indie fickle. It articulates

the importance of strong song writing and how a group of old dogs can certainly pack a punch with some brand new tricks.” But like a fat kid at McDonalds, we always want a little more and the band has responded in loving terms. In May the band will kick off their first extensive tour in a handful of years, showing off their new album as well as dusting off some old favourites. Theatre Royal, Castlemaine - May 24.

The Steely Kim Churchill Quick bite: Songman Kim Churchill is back with a new collection of songs titled Into the Steel. Churchill has earned a reputation as a true blue singer-songwriter.

Also a surfer, the young muso has a connection with the ocean as great as his connection with music.

Always a busy music soul Kim has plenty of shows lined up abroad late March and beyond (he is a muchloved dude) but before he boards a plane he will be checking into Beav’s Bar, Geelong on March 14.

Joining him at the show will be Steve Smyth.

Presented by Cattleyard Promotions and supported by triple j & Channel [V]

Twisted and Tangled D.D. Dumbo Quick bite: Doing a quick Google search suggests that Castlemaine’s Oliver Perry and Alexander Steiner, better known as D.D. Dumbo, play “tangled, swampy arrangements” that “are heavily loop-based, blending a lo-fi sound with an infectious rolling and bumping to the percussion.” Thank you Google for making life easier people like me. Anyway, if that sounds of interest to you then you should check out their selftitled EP. You can have a listen through dddumbo.bandcamp. com. It kinda sounds like tangled, swampy… The Bridge, Castlemaine - March 15. .........................................................................

The Bridge Open Mic Nights

FEATURING IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER

Quick bite: Open Mic Nights can feature someone you put your drink down for one minute and another you scull your beer for the next. But it is all music and there is an audience for everyone. That is the beauty of Open Mic Nights. Some play because music is their path while others play for shits and giggles. Some are born stage dwellers while others are nervous performers. It’s all music and it’s all good and Open Mic Nights should be encouraged and supported. You just never know where you may find a new golden music nugget.

The Bridge, Castlemaine - Every Wednesday from 7pm. .........................................................................

Red Hot Smokin Sam Quick bite: When he has a harmonica in hand, Melbournebased bluesman Smokin Sam is one mean son of a gun.

Beginning his musical career at 16, Sam’s first band was South City Union. He was later invited to join the band ‘Fat Alroy’ and as he discovered new music a new band was formed. He took a long break from music but following a night-out at a jam session in 2005 his musical fire was re-ignited. Whether playing solo or in band mode (Synergy Blue/Cargo Blues Band), the blues don’t come with much more passion than they do with Smokin Sam. Martians Café, Deans Marsh - February 23 .........................................................................

Mat. McHugh & The Seperatista Soundsystem One of Australia’s most inspiring and soulful song writers is heading back to our Coast for an intimate show at the Torquay Hotel on March 8. You might recognise him from that other band, you know, The Beautiful Girls? His latest album, Love Come Save Me, released under the honest moniker of Mat. was meant as a free gift to fans for all their support over the last decade and has since been downloaded over 50,000 times.

After receiving a massive response online Mat is taking Love Come Save Me to the stage next month. You can catch Mat at the Torquay Hotel from 7.30pm on March 8 for just $22 + bf through oztix.com.au. .........................................................................

The Many Plans of MxPx

PLUS TRIPLE J UNEARTHED AND LOCAL ACTS

PRINCE OF WALES SHOWGROUND, BENDIGO VIC

In punk rock circles MxPx is a name held in high regard. Formed out of Washington in the early 90s, members were just a bunch of fifteen-year-olds when they came together. While still at high school the band released their debut album Pokinatcha and three albums would follow before the 90s ended. Enter the 2000s and the band has released a handful more albums including 2012’s Plans Within Plans. 2012 would also mark 20 years in the game, something the band attributes to hard work and a clear mind. Frontman Mike Herrera: “I’ve always just been writing songs, promoting and getting the word out, and I think that’s why we didn’t quit, because MXPX wasn’t doing this for money, we weren’t doing it for success.” MxPx takes on The Barwon Club, Geelong on March 10. .........................................................................

TICKETS ON SALE NOW $99.90 + BF GATES OPEN AT 10.30AM

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Gordie Shore comes to Geelong James from the infamous Gordie Shore will be arriving at Lambys on Sunday, February 24. Due to the cult-like popularity of the British reality television show, we suggest you get down there early to avoid a huge line up. Doors to the venue will open at 8pm with an appearance from the extremely well manicured man at 9pm.

food column:

The Peter Lalor Hotel.

What sort of venue would you describe the ‘Peter Lalor Hotel’ as being?

The Peter Lalor Hotel’s Bistro provides a great range of meals aimed at the budget conscious.

You guys are currently going through some changes with what you offer on the menu, tell us about it?

We’ve introduced a range of high quality Asian Cuisine to enhance our Australian fare. The feedback so far has been amazing!

What are the options in terms of areas to eat bar? Bistro? Outdoor?

The PLH provides a cozy Bistro area with the option of pub priced meals in the bar.

Who is currently taking up the position of Head Chef? Tell us about their menu.

Our team provide some of the best Asian style dishes in Ballarat, with a great variety on our new menu. Chicken, Beef, Pork and Vegetable dishes are provided with something for everyone as well as the choice of Steaks, Parmas, Fish and our amazing Mixed Grill.

Do you guys do weekly specials? Tell us about

what’s on offer?

We offer 6 course Banquet packages for 2 or more people at great prices. Our VIP Members (sign up today!) receive 10% their Main Meals and there a great daily specials on the board. In the bar you can get a Pot & Parma Tuesday to Saturday for just $12.00 What is one dish you just have to try at the Peter Lalor?

The Garlic Butter Chicken is amazing! Deep fried Chicken Fillets topped with Garlic Butter Sauce and served over rice. Yum! What else is on at the Peter Lalor that people should know about?

The Peter Lalor Hotel provides a fun environment for all ages. Entertainment is provided Tuesday to Saturday with regular Trivia nights, Karaoke and DJ’s Is there anything else you would like to add?

Thank You Forte!

Peter Lalor Hotel: 331 Mair St Ballarat Ph: (03) 5331 1702

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k e e w OSpecial!

64 PAGE NOTEBOOK

2013

NAME: ........................................................................................................................... YEAR: .............

SUBJECT: .................................................................................................................................................

SCHOOL: .................................................................................................................................................

Forte's guide to that big ol' universe af ter high school!

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A Welcome Message to First Year Students Welcome one and all. Here we are in 2013. And here you are starting a new chapter in the journey that is your life. A journey, if you are a fresh-faced wide-eyed 18 year old, that began in the mid 90s. The spark that ignited your dad’s loins came but a few months prior to that. Do you want to know some of the biggest songs of the first half of the 90s? Songs that may well have ignited that spark which in turn enabled your life journey to begin? Tag Team’s ‘Whoomp! (There It Is)’ was one of the biggest of 1993. There is a chance your old man may have used that exact line at the moment of impact. A little unsettling hey?

Celine Dion’s ‘The Power of Love’ was one of the biggest of 1994 while Bryan Adams’ ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For You’ was a monster song of 1991 and could quite possibly have been still rocking the bed-boat by the time a thought of you came around.

Any way you look at it, the chances are you are a product of bad music. But keep the faith. Keep the faith.

Perhaps you took a gap year and did a little travelling. Now you’re back with a few less dollars and with a few more venereal diseases. But you had a good time, an unforgettable time. And think of have much you have grown since then. You are so much wiser now but not so wise as to realise no-one really cares about your travels. Your photos are boring, your tattoo given by a street tattooist artist in a tiny pocket of the universe only accessible by a goat is still just a tattoo and that cool new music you brought back sucks. It really, really sucks. Oh really? You heard this band in a café and reckon they could be the next big thing? No, they suck. And I am betting the café’s coffee did too.

And the mature-age student, hi there, how’s it going? Kudos to you for giving your life another crack - it’s never too late. Your hangovers may last a little longer these days but you have life experience now. And you can use that life experience to annoy the crap out of the eighteen-year-olds who don’t really care. Yes, you have racked up some life miles and now you want to fill that gaping void in your life but if some 18 year old kid wanted to hear a long, rambling boring story about how you got to be where you are in your life they would ask their parents and not the university equivalent of that ‘slightly too old that it’s kinda creepy person in a nightclub’.

Of course in all this I jest. It’s a pretty big chapter that you are all beginning and I wish you all the best. Some of you will complete the journey in a single leap. Others may go a little wayward but will get there in the end. Others still may decide to skip the chapter altogether and head in a different direction. And you know what? It’s all okay. Figuring out what to do isn’t always easy and even if you do know what you want to do getting there isn’t always a walk in the park. But you are giving it a shot and for that my hat is off to you. May the rewards be great.

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Welcome to

Geelong!

I last ventured into the Geelong Gallery about 12 months ago, shortly after a day of visiting the National Gallery of Victoria. I was coming down from a culture high. I needed a fix. This body tends to reject the culture that doesn’t align with its aesthetic principles, so over the course of the visit its stride became more and more frantic as all it could find were images of the sea, artifacts from early settlers and cabinets full of fine china. After listening to Hair Stylistics and Albert Marcoeur religiously, what is there other than the pleasure derived from destroying these things? The abstract bright neon cubist mosaics in the front exhibition looked as though Picasso had lost his people and started taking advice from Kylie Minogue. Everything else there was like spending time in the front room of my grandparent’s house. This can’t be an anomaly, it must be their generation. A room three times the size of my own at the front entrance that is solely dedicated to idealised modern living. In theory it’s a beautiful thing, but in practice it is quite disturbing. Much to my grandmother’s dismay the opportunity to go in there and sit down is taken often and firmly. I’m trying to repurpose it as an indoor Zen Garden, albeit instead of perfectly raked sand and piled stones there is flawless off-white carpet and numerous Royal Dalton figurines of Scarlett O’Hara. Upon entering the room you quickly feel surrounded by them. If there’s one thing that Scarlett can’t handle it’s being left alone, so I always leave the space feeling like one would when they visit a nursing home to see a relative; except of course this relative never ages, she’s stunningly attractive, and there’s no actual relation so I can ponder the other kind of relations and not sicken myself.

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By Blair Hall

In the back of the Gallery what I was looking for found me, much in the sense that I walked in there and found it. A small room with a dozen Japanese woodcuts from the 1800’s that depicted the everyday life of rural Japan.

I was at peace. I spent about three hours in that room. Security kept checking in to see if I was okay. I can only assume they thought I was mental. I can only assume that the microscopic exhibition is long gone.

Much like Richard Donner’s ‘The Omen’ is actually about the perils of having a trophy wife, this article is actually meant to serve the purpose of welcoming the rural-dwellers of O-Week into the fold that is Geelong. There are numerous places worth visiting in this town that should help you understand who we are and what we do. The lead example is Coffee Cartel, located all the way out in Breakwater. Geelong likes to hide anything worth anything in a strange, inaccessible place that you can only find by accident. They do this on purpose in order to increase it’s value, like the reality of gold or the perceived reality of the underground cassette movement. In my case, I was kidnapped and brought here against my will. Someone disguised as a friend hijacked a car and maniacally sped through amber lights in order to bring me to this factory space in the middle of nowhere. Antique furniture was strewn about the space and the preparation area out back was riddled with large machines and bloated hessian sacks. I assumed that I was to endure merciless torture at the hands of a Colombian

PHOTO By GEORGE STAWICKI

Joe Pesci-figure, but instead I was forced to ingest 100% pure, uncut coffee. All of a sudden I’m left jonesing like it’s ‘The French Connection II’ all over again.

While you’re in the breakwater area, I highly recommend stopping by White Eagle House for a pub meal and some light entertainment.

A charming middle-aged man will serenaded you exclusively for 45 minutes with support from a variety of Casio backing beats.

Classics such as ‘Maggie May’, ‘My Way’ and ‘Do you know the way to San Jose?’ will fill the air. The fact that I was in an entirely different area of the venue at a 90th birthday party didn’t stop him from bringing a tear to my eye with nostalgia and longing for a place that exists only in my imagination, so nor should it you. My only hope is that at his next performance he does not transport someone else to that place. Nameless, formless; characters from old television shows float about knocking into one another and letting out sighs of discomfort. An unceasing gust of wind underpins these happenings, while occasionally an unidentifiable being swallows these suspended figures of the media whole, never to be imagined again.

If you’re genuinely interested in finding Geelong, look no further than it’s people.

The public transportation system operated by the kind, giving people of McHarry’s and Benders provide numerous services stretching all down the coast to Torquay and up to places like Lara, Corio and North Shore that I’ve never been to before. In a series of misfortunes that makes Jules Feiffer’s ‘Little Murders’ a tale rooted in realism, public transportation provided me with the most crystalline view of Geelong through it’s people. Traveling with my bass on my back in a gig bag as I so often do, a 50something bearded saxophonist, in a display of inter-generational outreach, offered to let me “sit-in!” on the jam session of standards that was going off like a riot outside Market Square. Firm on my schedule, I declined.

His response was a simple resounding “Typical”. I made my way to the bus stop disillusioned by what had just occurred, only to be approached by yet another 50something bearded man. We proceeded to talk about Neil Diamond and then he offered advice I will never forget: “Aim for the stars and never settle for the moon”.

Amen Brother.

A Survivor’s 10 Tips for Surviving 1st Year

By Rebecca

1. Get out of your comfort zone that’s where the cool stuff happens.

It’s not like high school where the stereotypical bullshit applies to what you should or shouldn’t do, or what’s cool or uncool. It’s a clean slate. So be yourself, or try to be someone you wish you were, or whatever. No one really cares. As long as you’re not a prick.

2. Find yourself a local GP. Sadly but truly, you’re likely to get three or four mass e-mail outs from Student Life crying ‘Chlamydia outbreak’ for on campus students. Meaning that many of you partaking in adult activities are likely to be trekking to the Docs to get tested for the ‘clap’. (Which apparently means Gonorrhoea but Uni students always reference it to Chlamydia for some reason) And let’s face it, it’s easier to hand over pee in a cup to someone you have met at least one.

3. There’ll be embarrassing moments.

You’ll have at least 3 or 4 girlfriends (and the rare boyfriend) in the first year who go out and get so shamefully and embarrassingly drunk and messy that they’ll cry ‘drink spike’ - don’t buy into the lies. But, there are some creeps out there, so try and follow the buddy system and always keep an eye on your mates - whether their disgustingness is self inflicted or otherwise.

4. Arts students revel in your advantage at Uni now because post-Uni you’ll be bottom of the food chain.

Please explain? Well Arts students enjoy the wonderfully flexible world of the Arts where formula is replaced with theory and there is simply no right answer. You can say whatever you want as long as you can bullshit well enough to make it sound like a reasonable argument. And the second bonus of the Arts is that your Tutors don’t collect assignments until 9am the day after they’re due - so if you want to pull an allnighter and get it in before 9am you won’t lose marks. Plus arts only lose 5% of their mark for late submission, where as with other faculties it’s a strict 10% for each over-due day. The glory is short-lived when you finish your arts degree and cannot get a job, so enjoy the bonuses while they last.

5. Go to Juggernaughts & Stonecutters and student-body affiliated parties.

They’re parties run by students for students.

And they really are like an extremely loose high school party with no parents home.

Except more booze - and the only one who will be disgusted by your behaviour when you get home will be yourself - and perhaps a couple of close friends. You won’t remember much of what went on, but you will remember how much fun you had. Nudity, vomiting, pants peeing, group loving and endless ciggie smoking are all highly likely at these events, but never violence. Violence is for drop kicks.

6. Mature Ages (as you will come to know them) have a really bad reputation for being an incredible pain in the arse.

No offence to the 10% of good ones out there, but students prepare accordingly for the inevitable ‘mature age’ to ask the most boring, irrelevant questions that will make you late for your next class, and in severe cases ruin your mood for the rest of the day.

For those of you who have managed to stay awake and are still in the Lecture Theatre after class is meant to be finished you are probably thinking one of two things - ‘Are you using big words and talking irrelevant shit to stroke your own ego? Or are you trying to blow the lecturer?’ Either way. Do it in your own time.

7. All you Resis & 1st Years living away from home for the first time - embrace resi-spread.

It’s grose, it’s inevitable and it happens to most of us. Especially to women. And the occasional man who suffers from the munchies. Forget your old best friend Meat & 3Veg, and embrace your new one - he’s called Mi Goreng aka. ‘The Late Night Asian Persuasion’. He’s cheap. He’s easy. He’s always willing. And whether you like it or not, he will keep you warm all through the winter. Don’t stress too much guys, everyone knows the reason behind the additional KG’s.

Plus, it all falls off once the late-night Maccas drives have to end because you’re flat broke and Centrelink isn’t due in for another week.

8. There is always going to be the Super Rich Kids.

The ones that claim having $5,000 in their bank account and access to Daddy’s credit cards is doing things tough. All you want to do is scream, ‘Bitch please, I’m an overgrown beast because I can’t afford a wax. Razors are expensive. I have regrowth that puts Shakira to shame. I’ve gained 9 kilos because I can only afford my old mate Mi Goreng. All my undies have holes in them. And whilst you’re drinking Smirnoff Blacks at pre-drinks, I’m going HALVES in a goon sack and stealing ciggies from people’s rooms when they go to the laundry. Now that’s poor.” Accepting that ‘desperate times’ means different things to different people takes a while, but it takes a whole lotta’ anger out of the ‘making & keeping new friends’ situation.

9. Save the hefty drinking games for nights where you’re planning to stay in.

The Lay-Backs, the Hours of Power, the Goonof-Fortunes, the King’s Cups... 90% of the time these dangerous festivities all leave you nude... with company. If you stay home, at least you will end up shagging a mate that can see the funny side and not some critter that you met blind on the dance floor who may or may not smell like cheese.

10. P’s really do get degrees.

Most of you will end up dumber after your first year of Uni than you are after finishing Year 12...Academically anyway. And that’s Ok. You still have at least two years to make up for it and prove to your parents that their life savings is being really really well spent.

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10 things you should all know about Geelong! * Geelong is affectionately known by those who reside here as ‘G - Town’ or ‘Gee - troit’. When you are feeling a bit down about your surroundings, ‘G - Hole” might be more suitable. * The Geelong Cats are what makes this town tick. Get used to it, it ain’t gonna change. * ‘Hipsters’ are few and far between in our area. Generally, we are roughly a decade behind the 8 Ball of Cool - But when you’re a broke Uni student it’s a good thing - you don’t want anyone walking around making you look bad in all their trendy shit. * Geelong is half an hour drive from some of the nicest beaches this country has to offer. Make the most of them. * The inner city, the Waterfront, Pako Street and surrounding suburbs provide some amazing areas to eat, drink, play and shop. * If your going to Melbourne, train it, 50 minute’s up and 50 minute’s back.

Plus a lot of you will have Healthcare cards making it cheaper than chips. * Don’t go near the Breakwater Bridge after heavy rain.

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* The violence in the city is overstated.

Dickheads attract dickhead behaviour.

Just be smart... Not a smart arse.

And look after your mates. * Getting a taxi home from town after 3am is a nightmare, but the Magic Window makes the wait bearable. * Geelong is affordable, easy to get around, provides great venues for live music and is slowly expanding its appreciation of unfootball related things - if you embrace the city / country lifestyle you will fall in love.

Deakin Juggernauts Seven years ago a few close mates were having some beers at The Ponds. Frustrated by a lack of good quality Uni parties to attend, and moderately bored by the regular Thursday nights at Club 4Play, the guys decided to take matters into their own hands and begin throwing huge parties. Sounds so simple right? Well, it was and it wasn’t. It took some time to become a DUSA affiliated club, and to get the majority of the Geelong Nightclub owners to agree to hosting some pretty outrageous requests. With a club mission of ‘good times’ and ‘getting loose’ it was always going to be popular with students, and thus the story of the Juggernauts begins.

On paper, its a society for Deakin University students that bestows its members with benefits that assist in the social side of University life and provide functions where anything goes, except dickheads. Dickheads have to stay home. But in reality it is just a society of like-minded students who are looking for an extra - curricular way to get involved in Uni life, make new friends, and most importantly just have fun.

It’s not to say that things don’t sometimes get out of hand. Geelong’s most popular nightclubs have received their biggest crowds of the year at Juggernauts functions, second only to AFL cup night when the Cats have been in the finals.

Pretty amazing considering its humble beginning of a few blokes having a chat over a pot.

Shaping up for their biggest year yet, Juggers make money to spend money on throwing a good shin-dig. And because they know what students are looking for they do it really well. Texter every one of these into your new Uni Planner - Giving of The Shirt, Clash of The Titans, End of Exams Semester 1 & 2 and the recently developed, one-of-a-kind Juggers Prom.

Whether you drink or don’t drink, study hard or barely study at all, Juggers wants you to be part of the gang and get involved in a society that offers something for everyone. All you gotta’ do is get down and see one of the friendly Crew at the upcoming market days or find them on Facebook www.facebook.com/ deakinjuggernauts) or Twitter @JuggersDeakin.

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A Resi Experience

By Rebecca

Rolling around Resi Bend, windows down, breeze blowing through my hair, I drove towards Deakin ready to begin life as a free woman. No parents, no curfew, and quickly did I learn, no money. I climbed out of my 73’ powder blue Datsun named Susie, to a swarm of Volvo’s & Ford Territory’s. It seemed this was a really important moment in family history, you know the time your child moves away from home for the first time. Feeling suddenly lonely, I wished I had told Dad to cancel his game of golf and come with me.

The thought was soon surpassed by the devilishly handsome, trim, tort and terrific young man strolling my way. ‘They just don’t breed them like that back in Shepp’ I thought to myself as he headed towards me. On closer inspection, I was a little drawn back I must admit. He had some nasty looking scabs on his chin and nose.

A bad STI perhaps? Scabies? Either way this guy was living in my unit and I just prayed that this shit wasn’t contagious.

“Hi, I’m your new neighbour Beauden,” he said to me. Well, at least that’s what I think he said.

He was missing half of his front teeth which resulted in this horrible, incomprehensible lisp.

I replied, “Hi Beauden, I’m Beth, I’m a part of a small percentage of normal people that grew up in Shepparton.”

He asked if I was in a gang, I said no.

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Keen to shift the attention to him, I asked “So what happened to your face?” He then retold the story of how he fell over his own feet when he was pissed and smashed his pretty face on the concrete. He then continued to explain that he fell over whilst running away from the cops at an apartment building him and some mates had just trashed. But unfortunately they all got caught on tape. “Hold on, I’ve just got to run to my car and grab my court papers, I’ll be back in a sec.” We have been great friends ever since.

Moving into a Unit with a bunch of strangers really is like co-existing in a mixed bag of lollies – you’re wrapped in the plastic together until someone decides to set you free and eat you alive (Eaten alive being a metaphor for when you finish degree, can’t get a job and realise the real world doesn’t think your as awesome as you thought you were). So deal with it.

And of course being a mixed bag, there is always the ones you’d like to eat first.

leading to a severe mice and ant infestation. A consequence everyone had to share. She was also apart of flash mobs with other like minded 20 year old lesbians, and showed us her dildo on the odd occasion.

You had your banana - being of course my fruity-tooty but oh-so good looking neighbour Beauden.

You had your snake - who is ultimately creepy and way too confident for his looks, but somehow (to everybody’s amazement) maintains a steady stream of girls coming in and out that door.

You had your race car – the dude down the end of the hall with V8 posters, trucker caps and HSV shit all over his walls. But ultimately a down right legend of a guy, and one you’ll find yourself pouring your heart out to about all of life’s problems at one stage or another.

You had your pineapples - who traded their soul for a bottle of fake tan and a pair of eyelash extensions.

You had your black cat – a lesbian girl with a walking stick who refused to eat outside of her room, or bring out the remnants of her food,

The spearmint leaf - a forty year old stuck in a twenty year old’s body. Old people are a lot more fond of them than people their own age and

The milk bottle - who never misses a class and drinks Nesquick instead of beer.

sometimes, well a lot of the time, they make you feel like your mum did actually move to Uni with you. And not because they cook a mean soup.

The teeth - the gay guy who is so much fun to play with but can be so damn cutting with his words he’ll tear you to pieces in a second if you wrong him.

And finally, the strawberry and cream everybody’s favourite sort of person to have around because they are just that perfect mix of flavours.

This year you’ll meet a few of those, and probably invent a few more. You’ll also meet a stack that don’t fit in to any category at all – and those people can be an even better addition to your friendship circle. This was just my experience.

What you can expect over the next year is to find some amazing friends that make living away from home the most exciting, liberating and eventful thing you have ever done.

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a word with the

DUSA President What sort of support and initiatives does DUSA take in working with and for the students at Deakin?

We seek to ensure that Deakin students are not disadvantaged or unfairly treated, and DUSA strives to give students better opportunities throughout their study in all the areas that affect their life. If students have any problem we encourage them to see us and we will do what we can to help.

Why do you see student unionism as important for students during their time at university?

Because at the heart of it, it is students helping students succeed – it is what student organisations have done since they first came together.

How has the implementation of voluntary student unionism some years ago effected what you do?

Please introduce yourself and tell us about your role with DUSA?

Can you please give us a brief background into DUSA and explain what it is that you do?

I’m David Joyce and I’m a third year commerce and international studies student here at Deakin. I am the president of the Deakin University Student Association (DUSA), the body that represents Deakin Students. As President I head up the organisation, working closely with the University and students to see that Deakin students get the most possible out of their time here at Deakin.

DUSA represents all Deakin students and provides great opportunities for students to enjoy the social life here at Deakin – with student clubs, events and trips and tours, as well as providing essential services for when students find it becomes overwhelming. These services such as our free legal service and our welfare and advocacy service, see thousands of students every year. We also run several commercial outlets in the DUSA bookshops and bars and cafes at Burwood and Warrnambool.

The restrictions on our funding put in place by the Howard Government dramatically curtailed a number of student programs we ran. It is only now that we are being able to return to the levels of students activities that we used to run before those restrictions.

What can new students to Deakin expect for this years O’Week?

O’Week will give you your first taste of uni life and DUSA aims to make it as enjoyable and helpful as possible. DUSA will be offering a range of activities for all students to get involved in to help you feel at home. During O’Week, DUSA will be helping you to sign up for clubs, giving away freebies, the opportunity for you to meet and greet other students and overall, the chance for you to have a great time!

What does DUSA have planned for O’Week, tell us about what’s on?

2013 will see the return of the DUSA first Year camp with mud runs, abseiling, obstacle courses canoeing and a whole heap more. There is an absolute plethora of events first years they can get into - they can choose to kick off your O’Week with a big bang or go for something more relaxed by watching a movie on the green.

This year we have more activities than ever before including the Amazing Race, Beach Parties, Laser Tag, Jungle Party, Mystery Bus Tours and more! There is a big list of events on each campus – so I urge everyone to check out our webpage to see what is happening in your location (www.dusa.org.au). To purchase tickets is easy – you can just do this online through the link provided http://www.oztix.com.au/ Be sure to check out our Facebook page for more information as well!

Does DUSA have any advice for new students in relation to O’Week?

Make the most of what there is on offer!

Make new friends and enjoy what is going to be a huge few years here at Deakin!

What do you think is so important about O’Week for students settling into Uni life?

It is the best chance to make friends and discover what is available to help you settle into the Deakin community. Everyone is looking to help you at this time of year, so it is the best time to make the connections that will help you throughout your time at Deakin.

What do you encourage students to take away from O’Week?

Friends and great memories!

What’s your favourite sweet biscuit?

Lemon Crisps. Love them.

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NIGHTLIFE GU Home House Nightclub Eureka Hotel Location: 191 Moorabool St, Geelong Wrap up: The Eureka quickly became the home of Uni Night, packing up with students on Thursdays after it underwent major renovations a few years ago. In past years it was all about Club 4Play for students, now the Eureka holds the reigns for reasonable drink prices and good music. Launching Chinese Whispers in the upstairs space on Saturday nights will be a huge new draw card for Eureka weekends, as the guys hosting the night (Love That Music) are seasoned professionals in pulling a good crowd and throwing a rad party. You’ll all develop a nice little friendship with this place.

Karova Lounge Location: Cnr of Field St & Camp St, Ballarat Wrap up: One of the biggest icons for live music in Victoria, the Karova Lounge will host some of the best gigs you’ll see all year. It gave birth to the Yacht Club Djs and is a regular hang out for stars like Tim Rogers. It draws a pretty trendy crowd but is balanced out by the grungy live music pub-vibe. If you love live music your best nights in Ballarat will be had at the Karova.

Location: 40-42 Moorabool St, Geelong Wrap up:The unshakeable, unmovable, irreplaceable nightclub of Geelong. Home House truly will become your home away from home this year people. Whilst they have a no dickhead policy they respect that Uni kids love a good time, and security manages accordingly. It feels safe enough to call ‘home’, but you can get away with all that crazy shit that mum would never let you do inside.

Yarra Hotel Geelong Location: 69 Yarra St, Geelong Wrap up: Previously run under the Bended Elbow banner, the Yarra Hotel Geelong is a venue that has always had a huge appreciation for live music. This year it will host some of the best live shows in Geelong and you and some new-found mates will end up finding yourselves at a gig, or perhaps down there supporting a Uni mate in Revolution Fridays (a night hosted for unearthed bands). Pop Saturdays are also taking off if you can pull yourself together after Thursday night and make it out on the weekend.

The Wool Exchange Location: 44 Corio St, Geelong

Cloud 9 Bar Location: 96 Pakington St, Geelong Wrap up:An intimate bar, Cloud 9 is the perfect place to catch up with a mate for a cocktail on a Friday night, or a pre-drink location before you hit the town. Also perfect for an after-date drink with that new miss/mister you snagged on the Eureka dance floor during O-week.

Lambys Location: CNR Moorabool & Brougham St, Geelong Wrap up: Lambys Sunday Sessions is a phrase you will become quite familiar with.

Tall people will both develop a love and loathing of the venue as the low ceilings make you feel a like a littbe bit of a giant. Lamby’s is known for having a great atmosphere, a good crowd, a packed dancefloor, and some very fond but hazy memories.

Wrap up:This historic venue used to be the pinnacle of the local live music scene back in the day and has recently been restored to its former glory. Reinvented to include a state of the art upstairs band room, it’ll be in this room you’ll witness performances from some of best touring artists in the country this year.

Barwon Club Location: 509 Moorabool St South Geelong Wrap up:Another iconic live music venue, the BC is everything you love about a pub. Always a welcome home to poor students, no doubt some of you will attend the odd Happies Night and enjoy the odd goon sunrise. Also infamous for pre/post Cats game day celebrations – make sure you are feeling courageous if you decide to rock up in another team’s jersey. The BC is currently relishing in a revived music presence with Mind Riot Agency booking in some big names for this venue in the coming season.

The Clarendon

Slate Pool Lounge

Location: 378 La Trobe Terrace, Newtown

Location: 50 Little Ryrie St, Geelong

Wrap up: Geelong is perhaps the world’s most Parmi-friendly city. Actually, it has just cemented the title with the introduction of the Claro’s Drive Through Parmi. Everything you love about Australian pubs just went out the window. Literally...

Wrap up: Slate is without doubt Geelong’s premier pool venue. Its the perfect place to assemble large groups before you hit the nightclubs. But it is also so much more than your average pool lounge.

Relax with a beverage and be blown away by our latest state-of-the-art sound system, stylishly furnished 3 levels, mezzanine level and the outdoor smoking room. Slate also have 13 large plasma screens showing film clips and AFL matches.

The Lord Nelson Location: 193 Little Malop St, Geelong Wrap up: The Lord Nelson has just undergone renovations and is now open to the public. The new look venue is a perfect mixture of pub and elegance. The Lord Nelson is both beautifully decorated with down to earth, affordable menu options. It combines a long spacious bar area with plenty of seating making it perfect for birthdays and group bookings. On Monday nights they offer a Uni student special, Steak and Parmi’s + pot for $15.00 or 20% of menu items upon presentation of Student ID.

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Odyssey Tavern & Brewery Location: 611 Surf Coast Hwy, Mount Duneed Wrap up: A unique venue for Geelong and surrounding areas, Odyssey offers a different experience for local beer lovers looking to enjoy a craft beer or cider. Run by a local guy who loves live music, you are sure to catch a killer acoustic performer there on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.

The Carlton Hotel

Beavs Bar Location: 77 Little Malop St, Geelong Wrap up:Great place to listen to some acoustic original singer-songwriters and chill out on the lounge having a drink with your mates.

Its quirky and it has personality and that’s why we like it. And promise you will too.

Edge Bar Location: 1 6/8 Eastern Beach Rd, Geelong Wrap up:For the nights when you’re feeling a little less drab and a touch more classy.

Quite a sophisticated venue to hang out, it’s not really one for getting messy and rocking up in your trackies with a goon sack. Great for pre drinks on a Friday night or celebrating a special occasion with your friends. A lot of pretty people hang out here.

City Quarter Location: Cunningham Pier, 10 Eastern Beach Foreshore Rd, Geelong Wrap up:One of the best views of Geelong can be captured from this venue as you overlook Corio Bay. Love a great acoustic set on a Friday and Saturday night and is similar to Edge in terms of style and crowd. A very trendy bar to enjoy a drink at, especially throughout the warmer months.

The Max Hotel Location: 2 Gheringhap St, Geelong Wrap up:One of the best places in town to throw a party – the team at The Max go above and beyond for your special occasion so keep that in mind when you begin planning your upcoming 21st. Great place to have a knockoff-from-class beer as it is just opposite the Waterfront campus, and their mid week meal specials are great for those nights you want to feel fancy enough to go out for a meal but don’t have much cash to back it up.

Club Titanium

Location: 21 Malop St, Geelong Wrap up:Really cool Art Deco hotel right near the centre of town, the Carlton has always been known to attract a decent Uni crowd for after class drinks, or a meal before continuing the night at one of the clubs.

They also have a great bunch of staff that make wining and dining there a pleasure.

The Sphinx Location: 2 Thompson Rd, North Geelong Wrap up:The venue who’s exterior wins the award for ‘Most Personality’ hands down, The Sphinx Hotel is like nothing else in the region. All sorts of fun to be had here, and a great location to bond with your newly acquired Uni mates...

Most of the time by shameing yourself through a less than inspiring Karaoke performance.

The Grovedale Hotel Location: 236 – 258 Surfcoast Hwy, Geelong Wrap up:This is a pub with a real ‘local’ feel.

You know when guys are like, ‘Hey mate, wanna pop down to the local for a pot?’ Well they are probably referring to the Grovedale, or the Grovey as you’ll come to know it.

Great food, live music on the weekends and pokies machines for those of you who can spare a couple of bucks for a flutter.

Diggers Arms Hotel Location: 87 Skene St, Newtown Wrap up: The localist of locals. The Diggers Arms is the epitome of friendly local pubs. Get down there on a Wednesday night for a cheap parmi and pot, plus an audience-inclusive bit of fun with the Wednesday Night Wheel competition. At any other pub getting up in the crowd and throwing an egg across the room blind folded would be horrifyingly embarrassing, but at the Diggers it’s just good fun.

Black Hatt Location: 54 Little Myers St, Geelong

Wrap up: Open Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, the former ‘Room 99’ nightclub is one of the largest night venues in Geelong. Renovated early last year, Club Titanium has been given a facelift with a contemporary design and stylish decor.

Hosting some great local and touring DJs the best night to get down there would be on a Saturday.

Wrap up: This venue is known for having some great open mic sessions. Get down there on Thursday nights if you feel ready to unleash your sound on the new city. They also run plenty of specials throughout the week if you are looking for some mid week entertainment, including an awesome trivia night. Oh and ladies if you are looking for a Tradie, they even dedicate a few hours to their kind on Thursday nights... Who knows, you might knock their socks off with your open mic performance and land yourself one.

Geelong RSL

Torquay Hotel

Location: 99 Ryrie St, Geelong

Location: 50 Barwon Heads Rd, Belmont Wrap up: There are a lot of misconceptions that surround RSL’s. But not the Geelong one. Everyone is welcome to be a member at Geelong. And you should be...If not for the great atmosphere then certainly for the fantastic mid week meal specials. $13 for a pot and a parmi on a Wednesday night? Outrageous.

Bar Zar Location: 51 Moorabool St, Geelong Wrap up: Set to be a hot new hang out in the centre of town, Bar Zar sounds like it’s going to be a one-of-a-kind for the region. Rumour has it the new two level venue will be serving alcoholic pancakes, and other non-alcoholic food into the early hours of the morning. Alcohol, food and games upstairs - sounds like a student’s dream come true.

Location: 36 Bell St, Torquay Wrap up: One of the most iconic venues on the Surf Coast, the Torquay Hotel thrives over the warmer months with locals and tourists coming together for a cold beer and the chance to catch one of their favourite bands performing live. The Torquay Hotel is a great supporter of live music and hosts a range of both ticketed and free gigs ensuring a good time for all. Great place to hide out over the winter and catch up with mates for a beer away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

UIDE Toast Location: 114 Moorabool St, Geelong

The Ponds Location: Princes Hwy, Geelong Wrap up:Just down the road from the Waurn Ponds campus, the Ponds Hotel used to play host to a lot of ridiculous student antics. It has since mellowed out with the major renovations and the retirement of Wednesday nights’ Dodgy Disco. But, the Ponds hosts regular poker nights and there are always pool tables on hand if you are looking to get off campus and enjoy a study break over a Parmi and a game of pool.

Wrap up: A nightclub with a passion for great DJs. Not just your average house shit – Toast put a lot of effort into booking both A list DJs and the best emerging artists guaranteeing at the very least a happy set of ears. And it’s paying off. Toast has only been open just over a year but has quickly cemented itself as one of Geelong’s best clubs and a premier venue for electronic music.

Rumors Location: 5 James St, Geelong

The Barking Dog Location: 126 Pakington St, Geelong West Wrap up:Located down Pakington Street, in one of Geelong’s few ‘hot spots’ is the Barking Dog. Midweek, it is an awesome place to study over a coffee or grab a delicious lunch. A drink there on a Wednesday night will get you that hump-day pick me up that you are looking for, but the best time to be there is Friday nights from 5pm onwards. There’s a real Thank F*** it’s Friday attitude that everybody loves.

Wrap up: This venue has seen a lot of nightclubs come and go over the years, but Rumors appears to be here to stay. Drawing a packed out crowd on Saturday nights, the two levels separate house from r’n’b music. Usually offer pretty good discounts for student entry and it is just around the corner from other popular nightspots.

The Bluestone Location: 103 Marr St, Ballarat

Irish Murphys Location: 30 Aberdeen St, Geelong Wrap up:Great location for those of you who aren’t too sure where the night is going to end up. Located half way between Newtown and the centre of town, Irish Murphys is a good ol’ fashioned Irish Bar hosting some great live music on weekends. The menu has tongues around town wagging, so try and save a few pennies for a feed when you head in there next.

Wrap up:The kind of venue you walk into and go ‘whoah’ - The Bluestone is huge. But not the sort of huge where you go ‘man, it looks like no one is here’. It fills up super quick, especially on Wednesday nights (Ballarat Uni night) and weekends. It also has a really cool, contemporary design so you can feel a little bit fancy, even if you’re not.

The Basement 159 Location: 159 Moorabool St, Geelong

The Elephant & Castle Location: 158 McKillop St, Geelong Wrap up:Owned by Geelong’s infamous Darryn Lyons, the Paparazzi King’s trademark is all over this venue. If nothing else, you will enjoy sitting down over a drink and checking out all the amazing photographs of A list celebs taken by the man himself. The food is incredible at the Elephant & Castle, and they have some good deals on Monday and Tuesday nights, so even the student breed can afford to eat like a King every now and then.

Wrap up: Establishing itself as quite the trendy little hotspot the Basement is underrated and understated. You don’t hear a lot about it, but they host some awesome DJs and draw a cool crowd. It’s the type of venue you’ll have an unplanned, but really fun night at.

Opium Bar

The Loft

Location: 15 James St, Geelong

Location: 6/58 Liebig St, Warrnambool

Wrap up:Really intimate little bar located in the busiest pocket of the city. The perfect spot for a small function, a celebration with some friends or an end of the week Uni debrief. A delectable cocktail menu and an a-grade list of boutique beers available.

Wrap up:Home of original live music in Warrnambool, The Loft enjoys a booking list of both local bands and international headliners. Awesome selection of beers and ciders on tap and a great affordable menu. For Warrnambool students it will be their home away from home this year.

Barwon Heads Hotel Location: 1 Bridge Rd, Barwon Heads Wrap up:Great place to escape with your new found friends and discover some of the hidden gems the region has on offer. As live music lovers, the team at the Barwon Heads put on an array of live music from all kinds of genres making it a trendy place to hang out, discover a new artist, and enjoy a beer up the coast.

Gallery Club / Onyx Bar Location: 214 Timor St, Warrnambool Wrap up: This place has four large bar & lounge areas, two big dance floors and a taxi rank directly across the road. They also book a lot of Australia’s best DJs and basically steer the reigns on the Warrnambool nightclub scene. Huge range of cocktails and tap beers, plus carry the reputation as one of Warrnambool’s best function venues... Keep that in mind for those of you wanting to throw a birthday party away from home this year.

AT E N I L N O OUT

u S U a .

K C m E o H c C ag.

m e t for

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Regional University O week Guide University of Ballarat, Ballarat

6pm - 9pm Bendigo Student Association Event (all ages) Wednesday:

Dates: Monday February 18 till Friday February 22

9am - 10am Pancake breakfast at Student Union entrance

Events:

6pm - 9pm Bendigo Student Association Event (all ages)

Monday:

Thursday:

11am - 3pm Market Day stall at Mt Helen Campus; over 80 stalls with live entertainment, free food & attractions

12pm - 1pm Bendigo Student Association free lunch in the McKay Lecture Theatre

6pm till late Stonecutters & Student Connect office host music festival featuring Yacht Club DJs

6pm - 9pm Bendigo Student Association Event (all ages) 6pm - 9pm Bendigo Student Association Event (18+)

Tuesday: 8.30am till 10am Free pancake breakfast outside the library 11.30am - 2pm SMB O’Day on Lydiard - free festival with music and entertainment 1pm - 3pm UB Amazing Race outside food court 7pm - late Free movie night at the Regent Theatre, or Back 2 School party at The Bluestone Wednesday: 4pm - 7pm O Week main event, free dinner with live entertainment, attractions and giveaways 7pm - late 33rd Annual Tour of Tradition (pub crawl) Thursday: 1pm - 7pm Barefoot Bowls at the East Ballarat Lawn Bowls Club

6pm - late Mystery Wild West tour - pub & club bus ride, visit DUSA to secure tickets Thursday: 12pm - 2pm Recovery lunch in the quad 6pm - late Taste Test at SUB Bar & Lounge

Deakin University, Geelong

Friday:

Dates: March 4 till March 7

9am - 4.45pm International students orientation

Events: Monday:

Deakin University, Warrnambool

12pm 2pm Free Nandos lunch and live performance by Rapid Fire on the Union Green

Dates: Monday March 4 till Friday March 8 Monday: 12pm - 2pm Clubs and Market Day in the quad with free BBQ lunch. Live music and entertainment provided. Features campus clubs & societies plus local community stalls.

9pm - late Beach Party at SUB Bar & Lounge with Silent Disco and a live performance from Strange Talk Tuesday:

La Trobe University, Bendigo

12pm - 2pm Free Dominos Pizza lunch in the quad, plus tour of the town bus ride and a live performance from Djembe African Drumming

Events: Tuesday:

9pm - late Movie on the Green in the quad, open air cinema experience

12.30pm - 3.30pm Market Day at Reunion Court

12pm - 2pm Amazing Race plus

Dates: Tuesday February 26 till Friday March 1

free pasta lunch in the quad; a race around the campus with free lunch and entertainment

Wednesday:

8pm - 12am Kick Start Party at Home House Nightclub Tuesday: 12pm - 2pm Clubs and Markets day on the Union Green 8pm - 12am Beach Party featuring D-Cup & Chardy on the Pier Wednesday: 12pm - 2pm Live music and free BBQ lunch 5pm - The Amazing Race and Laser Skirmish departs Waterfront Campus 5pm, race starts at 5pm Thursday: 12pm - 2pm Live African Drumming band and free Kebab lunch 5pm - late Mystery Bus Tour, buses depart Waurn Ponds & Waterfront Campuses at 5pm sharp

Before they were rich and famous!

(Basically - Like you are now)

We thought it would be a good idea to remind you of the fact there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take it from the most famous and loved people in the whole world - you gotta get to where your going by any means. In your case as a broke student eating cold baked beans from a tin, or dressing up in a chicken costume for an hourly wage.. So lets see what these very rich and successful people where before they were very rich and successful.. and beautiful..

Fred Durst

Before Fred did it all for the Nookie, he did it for $5:30 an hour on a McDonalds Breakfast shift.

Gwen Stefani

Before the energetic ‘No doubt’ queen was storming stages she was working at Dairy Queen, which she complains made her fat.

Brad Pitt

What would you do if someone of Brad’s good looks put in a resume’ at your chicken store? I know - you would hide him away in a chicken suite to hand out flyers to passers by. No really... you would. Bradles did this at Los Pollo Chicken long before he ditched what’s her face? for Ange.

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Will Farrel

Will Used to be a Valet, I bet you any money he thinks of this every time he hands over the keys to one of his many Porches.

Mick Jagger

There is a funny story about ol’ Micky boy and it goes like this - apparently he walked up to an Ice Cream van and offered the owner $150,000 for his Ice Cream van, which was worth a fraction of that amount. Random unexplainable drug fuelled event?

No! Mick was having a flash back to the days of his first job, serving people Ice cream from a van.

Orlando Bloom

Ok - this is without doubt the strangest one so far. Wait for it..... Orlando was a clay trapper at a pidgen shooting range.

Madonna

Before she was arguably the most famous woman on earth, she worked and Dunkin Donuts for minimum wage.

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Oweek -

The only thing to fear is finding REGRET. DOs & DON'Ts Hypothetical Orientation Schedule of

By Blair Hall

(2013)

* Don’t assume that you can construct a list of dos and don’ts as an article when dealing with a topic as intangible as O-Week, especially in a place like Geelong. Like constructing an argument based solely on an outlier, you’ll fall face-first into the snow before you can say “assignment”. Besides, should you really avoid anything on O-Week? If some sophomore hands you a drink, I say that you should have built up a tolerance to Rohypnol over the summer by incrementally increasing the dosage 3 times a day until the blackouts lessen and your overall sense of cognizance is of a sufficient level to make a run for it, even after a serious hit. My own experiences at O-Week should serve as the perfect example, because I was not permitted an orientation of any kind at the academy I attended. The fortunate amongst our numbers were given a tour if we happened to attend the open day, otherwise you were doomed to forever being lost amidst the sameness of its halls and were seldom on time until third year. Administration were of no assistance; interrupting their conversations resulted in years of lost assignments, damaged media and essays returned at an ever increasing rate of mathematical precision that you were convinced that they were following the logic of the fibonacci sequence. But all was not lost. One lecturer appeared like a unicorn, ejaculating words of wisdom and reminding us of why we travelled hours to this bastion of tertiary education. Forever will I use hand-gestures while I talk, echoing the greatness of this man.

If I was given an orientation of any kind at all, it was by his giving heart and kind, spectacled eyes. * Do universities dream of electric students? This preference towards online courses would have us believe so. I have a friend who studied an online Aromatherapy unit. Lord knows how it was even possible. Selfmotivated study is one thing, but the self-motivated handling of volatile plant materials for the purpose of manipulating a person’s wellbeing is dangerous. You can’t just give that sort of power to the average student. And much like how the way your father tells you that he’s been “getting into reddit” tells you that he’s deciphered what ‘NSFW’ stands for, I encountered a barrage of sensations not like anything I had experienced before or since; boiled Quail eggshell, what smelt like a combination of peanut butter and skin, and an odor so chilling the vial described it only as “aftermath”. When I inquired as to their origins I was greeted with a change of subject or the conclusion that it was “just what the Shaman gave me”. My trust in this friend grew slimmer by the day, yet we were bound by the $3000 coffee machine he had in his kitchen.

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* Do, in an effort to create a freespirited atmosphere, release various caged animals into the crowd. * Do isolate students suffering from male pattern baldness into a support group. Make them wear yellow bands on their arms so that they can identify one another quickly in crowds and any feelings of minority can be quelled. * Do determine which of the current intake of your fellow students are apart of the commerce stream and proceed to hit them up for money. * Do expect the expected. * If you need an audience, we don’t need you. * Write, edit, write, edit. It was the way of Composer Morton Feldman. As narcissistic as he was, he had a point: violently spill your ideas onto the page and participate in limitless creative freedom, then plot your next moves while you mull over the previous expression. If there is one thing that you should go out of your way to do as you orient yourself this coming week it is to embrace the pen. No other tool can aid you in self-criticism quite like manually entering information from your brain onto a piece of paper.

Slaughter countless Bic as you must in the name of imagination. Settle for less than brilliant. Fill a book with your mistakes; at least you’ll be able to understand what not to do from then on. Ruthlessly scrutinise your perception of the facts and then colour them harder and darker. Just get something done, for pete’s sake. No one wants to be around someone who doesn’t get the job done. Least of all, me. We’re all tired of you. You had it easy in high-school. We don’t care that you are late because we don’t value you now it’s clear you don’t value us. * Don’t try and make a list out of this subject again.

BIRDS TOKYO

of

By Cameron Brogden

Perth alternative rock five-piece, Birds of Tokyo are back with a new album next month, and they’re opening their national tour in Ballarat. I caught up with founding member, drummer Adam Weston to discuss their new sound and the upcoming tour.

It’s hardly the band’s first show in the region, although: “It would have to be a while back... I know we definitely played there on the ‘Universes’ tour back in about ‘08, but yeah, I don’t think we’ve been back there for quite a while.”

As for what brings them back to Ballarat, he had a sense of humour. “It’s certainly not the freezing cold nights, that’s certainly what I remember most about Ballarat. We wanted to start in Victoria, and start with a regional town, it’s the first show of the tour, so it’s a bit of a special one for us after not actually doing a proper tour for over twelve months. It should be a great night.”

“We will be showcasing some songs from the new record that we’ve never played live before, but we’ll definitely be touching on the previous records.”

Adam went on. “In fact I think this is going to be our longest set we’ve ever done, so hopefully we don’t tire out two-thirds of the way through in Ballarat.

It’s probably gonna be about twenty-two or twentythree songs in the set. I mean, the real interesting, fun sort of aspect for us is to revisit some older material and try and bring it in line with how the new material is sounding. We’ve spent a lot of time and effort sonically kind of carving a new sound and a lot of new textures for this new record, so we’ve just been - well, we will be spending the next two or three weeks in a room getting it all sorted.”

And as for that new sound he mentioned, he was quite vocal on the subject. “I think this time around,

we made a conscious attempt to avoid anything too hard-edged or too angular. You know, hard hitting drums and really pointed guitars or inyour-face vocals. Instead, we really widened things out and let the guitars kinda breathe a bit more, and we introduced keys in a real fuzzy, hazy kind of way. A lot of these tracks formed from the whole sound-scapy, textural kind of moments that would just be these thirty-second pieces that we would then kind of flesh out.

Some got turned into songs and others were left as simple instrumental pieces. I guess in a nutshell, it’s still kind of anthemic and atmospheric, but it’s definitely not aggressive, it’s less rock and more textural and fuzzy.”

Less than six months before next month’s March Fires, the band found they were itching to release something, and as a result, the This Fire EP was born. “It’s always been a case that we’ve had the record done and dusted and then because of logistical reasons we end up sitting around twiddling our thumbs, waiting

for the ideal time to tour, or release, or all the other bullshit that kind of goes with it.” Adam explained. “So we recorded the new record over the space of about four months in LA early last year. So by the time all the mixing and mastering was done, that brought us up to about June or July, and we weren’t really keen on putting the album out last year, we thought we’d make it a 2013 release, we thought “Oh man, that’s way too fuckin’ long to be sitting on these tracks,” so the EP was a great excuse for us to be able to put out a couple of album tracks, as well as a couple of B-sides and give everyone an idea of where things are headed.”

a bit of love, whatever, but the fact that we virtually hadn’t been out on the road or really done any proper support for the EP just reminds us that we’re in a really fortunate spot, and we’ve only got everyone else to thank for that.”

Even with twelve months of silence preceding it, the title track from This Fire was listed among last year’s Hottest 100, something the band puts down to their loyal fanbase. “It’s always a bit of a surprise when you pop up in those polls, because honestly you never know.” Adam said of the band’s number fifty-one spot. “I mean, some tracks get played on the radio, they get

The new album, March Fires, is out, fittingly, on March 1, Birds of Tokyo are touring the country over the next few months, starting next week in Ballarat, with shows at The Forum in Melbourne

Back on the new album, I asked Adam what his favourite track was. “I would probably say at the moment the opening track, ‘Liquid Arms’.

It’s just got this brooding kind of building, really radiant sort of ending and for me, and for the whole writing process, that song kind of encompasses a lot of the actual feeling and vibe and aesthetic of the rest of the record.”

When&Where: February 27 University of Ballarat, Ballarat

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a University Story

By Wylie Caird

And now a little story for you about a friend of mine and their university experience.

May your experience be just as rewarding.

A mate of mine who lives in the US, Mitch, is a smart guy. That is an understatement. He is a genius. Years ago at just the age of fifteen he was approached by a professor from a prestigious university. His name escapes me so for story sake we will call the professor Hathaway. He was a bit of a slimy character but you will learn more about that shortly.

So, Mitch - given his age - was taken under the wing of a guy named Chris who was once called ‘one of the ten finest young minds in the country’. Mitch had heard about Chris, and idolised him, so this was an honour. Chris was very much a fifteen-year-old in many ways.

Anyway, they were assigned by Hathaway to work on a high-powered laser project. The project was supposed to have been handled

by Hathaway but instead he subcontracted the project to his students for free and used the funding to remodel his house. See, slimy.

Sounds all too easy so far, right? It wasn’t.

You see Chris, while undeniably brilliant, was a slacker who liked to pull elaborate pranks.

I remember Mitch told me about one crazy prank where the dorm floors were frozen in order to go ice skating. Mitch also fell in love - hey, it’s university and it happens.

Problems started to unfold for Mitch when he was more or less put in charge of the laser project, usurping a douche named Kent along the way. Yep, his name was actually Kent. This upset Kent. Meanwhile, Hathaway continued to put unrealistic demands on Chris and Chris naturally rebelled. He also continued to distract Mitch, inviting him to a party along the way. Hathaway caught wind of this and scolded Mitch causing a homesick teen to shed a few tears. Unfortunately for Mitch, Kent recorded this and played it over

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the lunchtime PA. Douche! Mitch was so humiliated at this point that he was on the verge of quitting before Chris convinced him to stay.

Oh, quick side story. There was another guy at the university that became a recluse after discovering his research was being used for bad things. So, Chris used this story to convince Mitch to stay the path and explained that university is about having fun. So Kent is dealt with by a nice hand of revenge and things look to be going okay until Hathaway tries to come down on Chris by telling him he won’t graduate.

Hathaway is being given the hard word by the higher-ups to get cracking on the laser.

Are you still with me? Good. So the finer points are eventually figured out (with an attempted sabotage job along the way) and the laser’s problems are resolved. If you thought that meant everything was cool you would be wrong.

The recluse pointed out that such a powerful laser could only have one application: as a weapon. So, bad shit again. The discovery was made too late as Hathaway had removed the laser from the university. Fortunately, thanks to a gullible Kent, Chris and Mitch discover the laser is going to be tested. Here is where it gets really crazy. The gang placed a huge tin of popcorn in Hathaway’s remodelled house and the recluse remotely cracked the laser’s computer and changed its target coordinates to yep, Hathaway’s house. The laser overheated and was destroyed and Hathaway’s house, well, that burst apart with flowing popcorn.

Cool story, hey? Oh wait, that was the plot for Real Genius. Brilliant movie - everyone should watch it now.

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The O week Top Ten

HIGHER LEARNING-ESQUE TRACKS OF ALL TIME!

by Adem with an E

01.

BEYONCE ‘Schoolin’ Life’

Say what you want about Beyonce – like, for example, if her skin goes just one shade lighter her and Jay-Z will be considered an inter-racial couple – but when she nails it she nails it. Go through the ages with Beyonce as she schools you in life, gurl. Listen to the words of wisdom from the woman who’s seen it all; “Who needs a degree when you’re schoolin’ life?” The University experience has a way of doing just that; you can be out of the lecture and yet it’s still schooling you; the learning you endure on as you experience everyday life. Take a listen to this, especially if you’re a newbie-teen who’s fresh out of high school, and get a glimpse into what your life might look like out of the classroom - or even beyond that degree.

Don’t worry; Beysus got you covered.

02.

GIRLS ALOUD ‘No Good Advice’

The second single from the British Pop Sensation, this track was released in 2002 and has been hugely popular throughout American universities since due to its anarchistic lyric. “I don’t need no good advice, I’m already wasted. I don’t need some other life; cold and complicated.

I don’t need no Sunday Tricks, tea and sympathising. I don’t need no special fix to anaesthetise me.” All amidst verses recalling stories of the girls’ Mothers and Fathers hopes for their futures. It is almost the anti-christ to what your parents themselves probably hope of you as you embark on your path to extra learning. Brilliant.

03.

THE TIN LIDS ‘Come To My School’

The Tin Lids were an Australian children’s pop group made up of Jimmy Barnes’ children Mahalia Barnes, Eliza-Jane Barnes, Elly-May Barnes and Jackie Barnes. In 1992 they were literally as big as the Spice Girls here and this song – which has absolutely no record of existing anywhere on the internet – is an educationally related treat. Although it isn’t exactly something you can Spotify or YouTube, it is something you first-year uni hipsters might be able to find at the same totally cool antique store you got that great woollen ‘sweater’ from on 7” vinyl because “Yolo.”

04.

FRANKIE AVALON ‘Beauty School Drop-Out’

A stunning cut from “Grease”, the flaw-free musical about a High School whose students sing all of the time instead of doing any actual work, this dagville mid-tempo ballad not only contains a phenomenally placed key-change but also a message of hope to you, the university student reading this page. And that message of hope is that if you drop out of your studies you will either be on the run constantly with your mobile meth-lab with no future past Border Security or you’ll have to run a backyard beauty salon giving five-dollar makeovers to ladies of the night; “But no customer would go to you, unless she was a hooker!” There’s a lesson here for all of us, ladies and gentlemen.

05.

DIVINYLS ‘Love School’

The greatest Australian rock band of all time, the Divinyls, were a force to be reckoned with in their prime and although this true poprock classic wasn’t one of their biggest hits, it is one of their absolute best. Geelong’s own Chrissy Amphlett, the most legendary Rock-Mole ever birthed, coos and aaahs in this sexy, seductive jam encouraging us all to “go to the love school” before a middle-8 that spills into a glorious finish. We all know what goes on at University ‘After Dark.’ If you don’t, let Chrissy tell you.

06.

THE SIMPSON’S ‘School Days’

When The Simpson’s first emerged on a global-scale across Television units everywhere in the 1990’s, the family recorded a staple in any pop fans record collection, the full-length feature album ‘The Simpson’s Sing The Blues.’ It featured the worldwide #1 hit single “Do The Bartman”, and this hilarious foray into The Daily Grind. There’s also a great guitar solo for all you dorm-room stoners who are not being forgotten in this list, don’t worry.

PARTON 07. DOLLY ‘Coat Of Many Colors’

The first time I heard this song as a child I weeped hysterically for a number of hours by the record player and it was the very moment I really fell in love with Dolly Parton.

The song sees Dolly talk about the coat of many colours her mother hand-stitched because they couldn’t afford to buy their own, and the teasing our Heroine Parton sat through when she wore her funny-looking coat to school. Dolly tells the school yard brats that her funny-looking coat was made with love and is thus worth more to her than all of their coats combined. So next time you go to a lecture and somebody gives you grief for wearing that John Mayer t-shirt (that’s what girls in university listen to these days, right? Or was that Taylor Swift?

Ugh, both have a vagina am I right), just think about Dolly, her coat of many colours, and how if you don’t stop eating googs at Eureka every Thursday night and start concentrating on your coursework you’ll end up stitching your own coats of many colours - because there’ll be no income whatsoever coming through to you from anywhere.

CRUE 08. MOTLEY ‘Smokin’ In The Boys Room’

See how great this list is, another appearance for the dorm-room stoners.

09.

GEORGE MICHAEL ‘One More Try’

This is in here purely for those of you who’ve perhaps held high hopes in pursuing a Teacher fantasy in your first year of University.

George, who very obviously now that we think about it properly was singing about a Male teacher, sings a very sad song to his Sir-In-Charge whose relationship with George sounds almost as if it may have reached Fatal Attraction levels.

10.

MADONNA ‘Express Yourself’

Second best is never enough, hunty.

Always aim for the stars my Childrens, and welcome to O Week. Don’t fuck it up!

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When University Lets You Down

By Tony Montana

We all know that the main reason to go to university is to get the skills that will get you a job. Forget all that “learning for learning’s sake” rubbish: you were put here on Earth to get paid, and a university degree is money in the bank. Or is it?

Let’s be honest: what kind of job is a university degree going to get you anyway? Sure, at first it seems like a gateway to all the good things in life, but when you look at it with both eyes open pretty much every job you might actually want to spend your life doing has about as much to do with a university degree as getting laid has to do with the results of your Grade Three relay race. If you want to be an accountant: university degree. If you want to be a movie star: no degree required, and in fact getting a university degree could very well cramp your style as actually having to study will use up valuable hanging around theatre offering free sex to producers time. If you want to be some kind of IT guy: university degree. If you want to be a racecar driver: why would you even think of going to university unless it’s to do burnouts in the carpark? I you want one of those sad jobs that it takes five minutes to explain the name of to anyone because it takes place in an office and you sort of have clients and it maybe involves real estate or

`

being an office manager or some kind of training / human resources thing: university degree. If you want to do anything fun for a living at all: forget about getting a university degree because the competition is going to be so insanely fierce for any kind of work in this area that every second you spend not doing everything you can to get one of those jobs is a second you’re falling out of contention. If you really want a job, then logically you really want a job that’s worth having, and if it’s a job worth having then you can’t get it through a university degree - even if you want to be a doctor or a lawyer the only real fun there is in being a dodgy or shonky one, and if you’re going down that path you might as well start off right with some internet diploma you printed out off

a pop-up. So going to university is clearly just setting yourself up for failure. Worse, it’s time consuming, life draining failure, because staying at university involves work. You have to write essays, you have to attend classes, you basically have to do stuff you don’t want to and you know what that’s called? A job. Only not only have you managed to score yourself a job while trying to avoid getting a job, but it’s a pretty darn dull job. In fact, you’ve found yourself in the kind of job where all you do is sit in meetings and write up reports on those meetings, except that in the outside world people who do those kind of jobs usually get paid pretty well for the unending boredom whereas you... well, gosh darn it if you’re not racking up a huge HECS debt

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for the privilege of having a crap job. Out in the real world, people are worried about losing that kind of crap job simply and solely because then they’d stop getting paid: you, on the other hand, are worried about losing this amazingly crappy “job” because if you did, not only would you stop having to pay for the privilege of being bored, you’d have to go get a real job that almost certainly would be more interesting than going to university AND would pay you actual cash money in the process. You were put here on Earth to do what now?

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Aireys Inlet Open Mic Festival In the lead up to the increasingly popular Aireys Inlet Open Mic Festival, we caught up with Festival Director Marty Maher to find out how this original concept got off the ground and what this celebration of organic local talent has planned for us this year. Doing it for the love of music and certainly not for financial ambition, Marty tells the tale best The Aireys Inlet Open Mic came from very humble beginnings. It has since grown into a well respected music festival. Tell us about the start of the festival and its evolution? My prime motivation wanted my kids and the kids in town to grow up in a town where music live music was a regular occurrence. The festival has grown larger than I ever expected and has grown steadily each year. It has grown from 3 stages and 50 acts to 9 stages and 175 acts over the past 5 festivals.

The standard of the talent has improved also each year because the performances are generally well attended. We expect about 5,000 over the 3 days this year.

The festival has billed some big acts including Dan Sultan and Tim Rogers in previous years.

Can you tell us about some of the other acts you have attracted? Each year we have a Special Mystery Guest to close the festival. Colin Hay was the first followed by Dan and Tim. This year’s festival has an awesome SMG. Many local surfcoast like Shed Zeppelin, Squid and Altitude have been regular performers but there is just so many acts that have blown audiences away with their talents. Punters are continually saying “where has this guy come from?” or “why haven’t we not heard of this band before?”

Tell us about last year’s festival, what aspects are you looking to improve on this year? Last year’s festival was superb, great weather and our biggest crowds ever. Pulse FM did an OB and broadcasted Tim Rogers performance live to air.

This year I’ve changed the position of some of the stages as to improve the experience of both artists and festival goers. I think it will work brilliantly but we will wait and see. We had to upgrade some of the sound systems because of the quality of the acts that are coming. Music Workshop are brilliant to work with and have also come onboard as a major sponsor this year. Their advice has been invaluable.

Tell us about the sites for 2013, is the newlook pub still playing a large role? Definitely,

we are changing the position of the main marquee stage this year and upgrading the PA there. I have also put a large stage in the carpark in the lower shopping centre to create a real daytime precinct with 5 stages within easy walking distance of each other. Should be interesting.

What impact do you perceive this festival has had on the town of Aireys? Outside the peak Xmas period it is now the biggest weekend economically in the town. From a music perspective, Altitude started playing at the festival four years ago and went on to win the Battle of the Bands and have had chart success with their first single. Luke Reeves from the band is a local kid and they really appreciated the opportunity to get some live stage experience.

What acts do you have lined up for 2013? Some of the other acts this year are amazing. King of the North (who will be huge) are coming, we have two Australia’s Got Talent Finalists, Laura Loe and Adam Hynes are coming. Altitude will be back and also check out Luke Legs and the Midnight Specials and Nicolette Forte are also great. There is one of the major acts from this year’s Falls Festival coming to play under another name (for legal reasons) so you will just have to work that out.

There are so many quiet achievers also. We have a Featured Artists page on our website at www. aireysinlet.com.au that we link to YouTube clips so punters can check out some of the music.

Tell us about the application process... Can anyone apply to perform? Anyone can apply but with the amount of acts applying we cannot take everyone. I have to make some hard decisions sometimes but there are some acts that whatever they are hearing in their head is not coming out their mouths! Every application must send in an audio track or YouTube Clip, even if it’s an iPhone clip. We have a Buskers stage that is unscheduled so if anyone who doesnt get a spot still wants to perform, they can head to that stage.

We know the Open Mic Festival is all about Music, but what other elements are involved?

Food, arts, work shops? We have workshops each year. The most popular is the Harmonica and the African Drumming but it changes each year.

We don’t dilute it with anything else, it’s all about the music.

Is the ‘open mic’ element still the foundation of the festival or is it only one aspect now? No it is a true Open Mic format. No one except the

SMG gets paid. The largest demographic in the music world is those playing for the love of it, not necessarily trying to make a living out of it. Our aim is to give those artists a festival stage.

If I want to travel from regional Victoria or Melbourne to experience the weekend should I book now? What sorts of accommodation is on offer in Aireys? We have accommodation options on our website and fortunately there is plenty of it although it does fill up closer to the festival.

Is there anything else I need to know? Its free to attend but we ask festival goers to “pay what they think it’s worth via donation buckets”. Every cent goes back into the next festival, so feel free to support it. We would appreciate it.

When&Where: March 15, 16 & 17 - Aireys Inlet Open Mic Festival, Aireys Inlet

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Dog Gone South you asked for it, we go it!

DGS, please introduce yourselves to those of our Forte readers who aren’t aquainted with you?

We are a foot stompin’ blues trio! Vocals, guitar & stomp is Dave Dorman, itar is Greg Southall & harmonica comes from Chris Canning.

Dave is a late comer to music performing, starting when he was 46 years old, he now stomps, fingers, picks and slaps his way through gigs on his trusty Gibson J45. Heavily influenced as a young boy by his three older brothers, he was listening to Jimi Hendrix, John Mayall, Eric Clapton, Muddy Waters and others as far back as he can remember. He developed a healthy appetite for ‘real authentic’ blues. The icons like Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, BB King, John Lee Hooker, Howlin’ Wolf amongst many others were all influential in his teen years. Dave recalls proudly slipping a Muddy Waters cassette into his car stereo when he began driving at eighteen years old, problem was, he had three mates on board, he says they just didn’t get it.

Dave’s brother Keith provided the opportunity for him to see BB King in concert in Geelong in 1976. The great Dutch Tilders was support, it made a huge impression on the 16 year old, and over the years Dave saw Dutch perform many times and became friends with him. Dutch was greatly influenced by Big Bill Broonzy’s style of playing to name one, this is also where Dave’s real passion for playing and style is aimed at.

Dave has gradually built his musical involvement in a number of areas over the years. Having quit his ‘real job’ in 2010, Dave now spends his time organising weekly Muso Nights at The Barwon heads Hotel and Saints and Sailors Portarlington, organising various gigs for Dog Gone South, other high level shows such as the Geoff Achison/ Jimi Hocking Guitar Showdown in Barwon Heads, Dave Grainey at The Ocean Grove Hotel are the most recent, he also freelances booking gigs for various musicians. Dave’s favourite quote is - ‘I’d like to thank (venue name) for having me, it’s so nice being had.’ – Dutch Tilders As a child, Greg’s first album was Sesame Street’s ‘Grover Sings The Blues’. It seemed inevitable that he would join the blues band!

There are no boundaries to Greg’s musical appetite, a huge knowledge crossing many genres. Whilst completely comfortable surrounded by Ampeg refrigerators and Marshall stacks, teles, strats and gibbos, he considers it vital going back to good old stripped back acoustic blues, “there’s times when only an acoustic will do” he says! Greg is the professor of the band, his knowledge of electronics is extensive, he can fix anything. He is an incredibly gifted guitarist with an uncanny sense of what to do and when to do it. Greg’s favourite quote is ‘He’s still thinking about it...’

Chris Canning was the bane of a Melbourne school concert band playing sax all funky instead of what was written. He gave up playing when he discovered girls are pretty. He taught himself harmonica whilst driving tractors in Central Queensland. Big land, amazing storms.

He then later found himself as a roadie for a North Queensland rock band. They would get him up to play a song or two on harmonica. But compelled to play the blues, he moved back to Melbourne (via Warrnambool but that’s another story) hung out at every blues jam he could. He re taught himself sax, harp, keys, and finally to sing. Then 10 years playing up in the Northern Territory extended his blues palette to include Indigenous music, Reggae, Country and Funk.

Lord have Mercy! He remains to this day both unconventional in his playing and easily led to making stupid decisions by beautiful women.

Chris’ favourite quote is ‘Either those curtains go, or I do’ - Oscar Wilde’s dying words You guys reside from the beautiful Ocean Grove, how is life by the beach?

Doesn’t get any better, great lifestyle, great music scene! Melbourne is only an hour or so up the road, easy to catch or play a show! And there is a beach there. We have visited it occasionally early in the morning after an all-night session of Blues and Booze and thought how pretty it is and that we should make more of an effort to swim more often. Pfft.. Actually we are very influenced by the places, the people, and the weather as we travel.

How long have you guys been playing together?

2 very long years, lucky we’re all mates haha!

How did the band come about?

Start from the beginning.

We met hanging around and playing at Open Mics. Although these are shunned by some musical ‘elites’, it is a great breeding ground for creativity, development and meeting other musos. You don’t have to have a diploma to enjoy music and be good at it, it comes from within!

Our first rule was to make sure that we’re always having fun, so far, mission accomplished!

You label yourselves as a ‘blues band’.

There’s no crazy genre titles you are partaking in? Foot stomping, river drinking, hippie crush blues? Or just blues?

We are proudly Australian and do not want to fall in to the trap of pretending we are American share croppers from the turn of last century.

Having said that we have eaten grass, stomped our foot, drunk from a river, and crushed hippies.

Tell us about how we can get our hands on some of your music?

We are currently producing a CD with the mindset to topple Britney Spears, should be released with some original compositions by April.

With a stack of live shows to the band’s name, can you tell us what DGS love most about performing live?

Getting all nerdy about the origin of the songs we play. The travel, the country side, the people, the wine, the venues, winning strangers over with sheer bloody minded tenacity. Anything is possible. The different crowds and different energy provoke spontaneous and inspired performances. Dave changes tempos and keys so the songs are never the same. What we play is an extension of who we are individually and collectively there’s nothing more real than a live performance, especially with the blues.

‘The blues is the truth...’- John Lee Hooker Tell us a funny story from your travels?

A very attractive lady in Warrnambool came up to Chris after a show and said in front of everyone “Are you the mouth with man organ?” True story.

She then went bright red when she realised what she had said. (If the lady in question is reading this, Chris would like to contact her.)

The age old question, how do you feel about the current state of the local live music scene?

It’s all been said before by a goat herder with a nose flute thousands of years ago. What’s so important about original music? It’s about what floats your boat isn’t it? Original or otherwise. We do originals, but some of the material we do was written over eighty years ago, that stuff is in our heart and makes up the fabric of the band, gotta keep that alive to! So we can all just relax and enjoy whatever anyone comes up with. The music scene in Geelong is great, so many fantastic and creative performers coming through, gigs are there if you want them, and that is Geelong.

What should we be keeping an eye out for in the future?

Collaborating with the great Phil Manning, show scheduled in Mildura in April, more shows to come, and locally!

A shameless plug?

Saints and Sailors in Portarlington, it’s one of those fantastically quirky venues that is committed to live music and they love original music!

The Hygeia Blues Cruise on the bay Sunday Arvos. – something different and great fun great musical line-up.

Cremorne/Barking Dog Sunday Blues Arvos – some of the best performers Australia has to offer!

Sleepy Hollow Blues Club – gig/ jam arvo once a month Can’t leave out our local iconic Blues Train – fantastic, one of our biggest tourist attractions, if you haven’t been on it, do yourself a favour and grab a ticket!

Muso Night every Thursday at The Barwon heads Hotel ph 0408 575 799 Muso Night every Friday at Saints and Sailors Portarlington ph 0408 575 799 www.facebook.com/doggonesouth www.reverbnation.com/doggonesouth

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The Smith Street Band

By Natalie Rogers

Lately it seems all roads lead back to The Smith Street Band. Melbourne’s gutter punk quartet is back on the road bringing their brand of heartfelt chaos to every corner of the country. I chatted with front man Will Wagner about the recent talk that they’re becoming Australia’s tour kings: “We love touring; it’s something we’re all really passionate about! We didn’t set out to be named the hardest working tour band in Australia, we just f*cking love touring!”

Will explained. “We have never really

thought of doing it any other way, I guess!

I’d more than happily tour every night for the rest of my life. It’s always been easy, like second nature, and it’s really fun!”

It’s been all fun and games for the guys since they first turned heads with their debut album No One Gets Lost Anymore [2011]. Will has a raw, unplugged passion as shown through his songwriting. “I write some very personal lyrics and I remember I had to call my mum before she heard it, to let her know that there may be things that she wouldn’t like, but my family understands – they’re used to it now.”

Constant touring combined with radio play and sharing the stage with some choice international

acts, have been a winning combo for Will and the guys. “We’ve been getting a bit of Triple J play recently which has opened us up to be able to play to regional audiences where we wouldn’t have been able to before,” Will said. “It’s always nice - fresh and exciting. Australia is such a beautiful country purely for the fact we get to go on holidays that we don’t have to pay for ourselves - it’s insane,” he joked.

While enjoying life on the road, Will still made time to put pen to paper and deliver a follow-up album, Sunshine and Technology [2012]. Along with the obvious pressures of writing a second album, Will found himself having to be reminded what won them fans in the first place: “With our first album there was literally no pressure whatsoever - I could do whatever I wanted. But when I first started writing Sunshine and Technology, it was always in the back of my mind that people will be hearing it, so as a result I was just writing songs I wasn’t happy with, because I was censoring myself too much,” Will revealed. “Until, I remember sitting down with Chris, our drummer, and he said that the reason people like our songs is because we don’t give a f*ck about any of that stuff and soon after we had that chat, I felt a weight off my shoulders and every song I wrote after that made the album. I realised that if people were going to like us, they were going to like us for us, and I don’t have to write an album that appeals to everyone. While people give half a shit about us we will keep playing shows.”

Will may talk a good game but he admitted that he still takes his performance very seriously: “I always get very nervous before shows - every show probably takes a year off my life, I reckon,”

he laughed. “I always have superstitions. I went through a phase of playing every show with a pouch [of tobacco] in my back-left pocket. It started because one night I accidently left one in my pocket and we played a really great show, but then I figured I would never be able to quit smoking if that was the case, so I’ve stopped doing that now! And about a year ago, I stopped drinking before we play, which I really like, because: (a) it makes the first beer you have when you walk off stage incredible; and (b) I like being as nervous and frantic as possible before a show, because it’s just such a great release to rip into the first chord of the first song and have that feeling wash over you that everything is going to be ok,” Will explains.

“This tour, we brought out a band from New York called Bomb the Music Industry. It’s the last run of shows for the foreseeable future - it’s going to be unreal. So get down as early as you can and watch all the supports. We put heaps of work into making the night not just about us, but about every band on the bill. As well as BTMI, our best friends The Bennies are coming out for every single show - they are both such great bands. I can’t stress enough to come out and check them out, and my advice to any music lovers out there is just go to more shows, get out there and support your local bands – it’s fun!”

When&Where: February 28 - Karova Lounge, Ballarat, March 2 - The Loft, Warrnambool & March 3 - The Barwon Club, Geelong

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business column:

Gorge Camorra of Cloud 9 Bar

By Rebecca McIntyre

Economic recession – two words that have become a pessimistic but popular little inclusion of vocabulary over the past few years, especially for those involved in our region’s small business sector. After the recent closure of several Geelong night spots, including Mr Hyde, the Wrong Crowd Bar and Tannin Lounge, the fear of failure has well and truly been put back into starry-eyed youth like myself, who aim to one day own their own business.

Amidst the rumours of doom and gloom within the hospitality and retail industries, some small businesses are continuing to not only survive, but grow. Whether it’s good luck or simply good management, Gorge Camorra, the proprietor of Geelong’s Cloud 9 Bar has been in the hospitality industry for eight years and understands what it takes to keep small business successful in the good times, and the not so good times.

Starting off in the nightclub industry Gorge learnt quickly how critical research is to those aspiring to set up shop in a regional city - “You really have to do your research and learn a lot before you decide to do it. Everyone thinks that they can just open up a venue, like we thought when we opened a nightclub,” Gorge explains.

Like many of nightclubs that have come and gone, Static was located on James Street in the city’s nightlife hub. Now run under the Rumours banner, the venue has played host to Blue Martini, Cream, Venom Lounge, Bazzar Bar and Zulu amongst others that have since closed over the past decade. After selling Static to another owner, the club eventually shut down.

Gorge describes the night-life industry as a really tough industry to survive in, which was something that he had to learn the hard way. Changing direction to the opening of Geelong’s first cocktail bar is where Gorge relished in the discovery of a gap in the market and with his previous knowledge taken from nightclub management, he was fully equipped to have a decent shot at this uncharted aspect of the local hospitality industry.

“In a way, running a nightclub was sort of like doing an apprenticeship for me,” Gorge says. “I wanted to go in a totally different direction but still stay in the hospitality industry. We wanted to concentrate more on the drinks and cocktails side of things instead of

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just serving vodka cruisers.” Gorge proceeded to take over the Pakington Street building, fully renovate the property and reopen it as Geelong’s very first cocktail bar, Cloud 9.

Six years later, Gorge describes some of the ingredients for success as the never-ending desire to improve your business, an ambition to remain one step ahead of the competition, and finally, never underestimating the importance of professional development.”You always need to try and improve yourself, and to learn more.. that’s really important,” Gorge explains.

Hence, Gorge continues to enter new competitions and explore inventive ways to hone the art of making cocktails. Three months ago Gorge entered in an Agwa competition which required the creation of a totally new cocktail.

After winning the state finals, Gorge went on to compete and succeed at the national level. As a result, Gorge and his cocktail went on to feature on the front cover of Australia’s Bars & Clubs magazine, plus revel in a handy little bundle of pocket money. Currently Gorge is involved in a Gin competition that could see him travelling to France to compete at world-class level.

That’s not to say it’s been a trail of sunshine and optimism for Gorge and his business venture. The inevitable effects of the economic recession were bound to have an impact on Cloud 9 at one time or another. “I guess that it’s just when times are tough we can’t all go out and drink, people go to Dan Murphy’s and get a bottle of vodka and drink at home,” Gorge explains.

Lack of disposable income isn’t the only battle a Geelong cocktail venue has to face - a community culture that is a little behind the 8-ball also makes it difficult to grow your share of the market.

“There’s not a cocktail culture in Geelong and that’s what makes it hard,” says Gorge. “It’s a mission. Things have changed a lot in the last six years but it’s still hard. Everyone still wants the sweet stuff in Geelong. That’s why our vodka infusions are so popular. We have nailed it down to redskins, toffee apples, musk sticks and Nerds lollies. That’s 50% of what we sell,” Gorge explains.

So, in addition to growing his cocktail-loving audience through providing great tasting and affordable cocktails, Gorge is taking a different approach towards the community introduction of a cocktail culture. By teaching it.

With both basic and advanced short courses in cocktail making, Gorge describes the lessons as a substantial opportunity “to pick his brain” regardless of whether you are looking to develop your skills for professional purposes, or simply just wanting to know how to make great cocktails for your guests.

If learning about cocktails just isn’t enough and you are looking to have a crack at a serious career in the hospitality industry then Gorge is currently teaching a fully accredited Certificate 3 in Hospitality, with the promise of an organised professional work placement on completion of the course.

The full time five week course will teach you everything you need to know about food hygiene, responsible service of alcohol, barista service and of course, cocktails making sure you are more than ready to make a successful entrance into the world of hospitality. For those eligible, there is also a substantial level of funding available to help you achieve these goals.

To find out more about Gorge’s short courses or if you’re interested in the ins and outs of the Certificate 111 in Hospitality visit www.cloud9bar.com. au . Either way, all of you should pop down and see Gorge and the team at Cloud 9 for a Pavlova Martini or two.

ballarat column:

What’s On in The Rat

By Daniel Lock

Hello, how are you? Danlo from the town of Ballarat transcribing the Rat scene for the next couple of weeks.

On Friday February 22 there’s a farewell party happening for Them 9’s member Josh Murphey.

Their band are hitting The Karova Lounge hard with Hipster Kill Team and Kashmere Club.

Birahny Lawrence, Marc Oswin, Nathan Curnow, Freya Hollick, Sean M Whelan, Osh 10, Navaja Negra, Jess Carroll and Lily Parker and Adam Simmons.Birahny LawrenceMarc OswinNathan CurnowFreya HollickSean M WhelanOsh 10Navaja NegraJess Carroll and Lily ParkerAdam Simmonsplus visuals, specially made t-shirts for sale and more!Birahny LawrenceMarc OswinNathan CurnowFreya HollickSean M WhelanOsh 10Navaja NegraJess Carroll and Lily ParkerAdam Simmonsplus visuals, specially made t-shirts for sale and more!

Friday March 1 sees the 9 piece, R&B/Soul masters of Melbourne Saskwatch playing The Karova Lounge (supports TBA).

Meanwhile, just over the road and around the corner, The Babushka Lounge are having local boy Joshua Broderick (Gullivan) playing some acoustic tunes to the audience there.

The Babushka Lounge have Melbourne based artist Maddison Wilson bringing talented vocals and soulful/melodic/pop songs to smooth and sway the night away.

On Saturday February 23 The Karova Lounge are hosting Jungle Justice Music Festival, a festival created 8 months ago by two local designers, Jungle Justice and Callum Noonan, to promote their brands. The Babushka Lounge will be hosting Melbourne singer/songwriter Brett Franke (TEMPLEofTUNES).

Saturday March 2 The Karova Lounge are set to re-establish that rockabilly aint just for festivals with music from The Yard Apes, La Bastard and Swhat.

The Eastern Station is set to re-establish its music scene (recently taken over by former Portico on Sturt owners) with the Canadian jungle folk band The River and the Road.

Your usual quiet Sunday doesn’t have to be so quiet on February 24 with The Babushka Lounge Mini Day Out 4 happening. Artists yet to be announced.

Wednesday February 27 has Triple J Hottest 100: 51st placers Birds of Tokyo playing at the University of Ballarat.

Not to be outdone by an O-week gig, The Karova Lounge have favourites People will be getting young drunk on Thursday February 28 as The Smith Street Band are set to take the stage at The Karova Lounge (supports TBA).

The Babushka Lounge has the eloquent words of Joe Oppenheimer entertaining the audience.

Local radio station 99.9 Voice FM is teaming up with the students at Live On Lydiard and hosting a Balcony Broadcast with many well known local (and formerly local) artists singing 1st story style over their Dawson street balcony. Artists include:

FREE CLASSIFIEDS SEND YOUR INFO TO: editorial@fortemag.com.au or p.o. box 1388, geelong 3220 or fax 5229 0318 FOR INDIVIDUAL USE ONLY, NOT FOR COMMERCIAL PURPOSES. Geelong rock band looking for lead vocalist. We are a Geelong based original band looking for a lead vocalist, have a lot of experience and heaps of great original music waiting to be sung. Influences: pearl jam, chili peppers, foo fighters, nirvana, led zep, sound garden. Contact Ben 0432049231.

Experienced Lead Guitarist Wanted. Top 40 Coverband. 70s 80s 90s and current. Based in Geelong. Must have commitment. Please Call Mark on 0438836469 or email at pudge_gypsy33@

hotmail.com Singer wanted for acoustic covers duo.

Must like 90’s British bands and not into songs your “normal” covers bands play.

Think Oasis, Morrissey & The Smiths, Libertines, Pulp, Blur, Verve, and similar Aussie & American groups. Nothing serious to start with but possible gigging if we sound great!

Age no barrier and male / female encouraged to contact. Contact Liam: britpopcovers@gmail. com or 0430904407 Band Members Wanted: Looking for band members

The Babushka Lounge has Indy/Folk Melbournians Little Wise with electric guitarist and band member Megan Bernard bringing the (harmonic, serene, pleasant, well-thought-out) NOISE!!!

The Eastern Station are setting the rock scene that weekend with a 6 hour festival titled Ballarat Rock Revue. From 6pm they’re hosting 6 acts over 6 hours. Bands include: Jail Bird Jokers, The Pony Men, The Howling Bedlam, The Electric SunKings, Aztec Whore Moan, and Vinegar Hill.

between the ages of 1619 years of age for pop group.Looking for bass guitar, electric guitar, vocals and synth player.

If interested, please contact 0417575237.

Hard Rock Covers Band with experienced, solid, bass player and drummer team requires guitarist with skill, awesome sound, and decent equipment. We have full rehearsal live room, pro gear, and all recording equipment.

Project will involve gigging, recording, and working on original material as well as edgy covers. Age no barrier, but must be directable team player and have own transport.

Carlos: 0409493521 Wanted: Male Vocalist, Two Guitarists Lead/ Rythm,Keyboard,Drummer to form an Original Hard Rock/Heavy Metal Band,Kevin Phone 0352757689, Email linnums@ optusnet.com.au Vocalist Wanted: Rock/alternative band, currently consisting of guitar, bass, drums.

In search of a clean vocalist preferably with experience. Influences: Tool, A Perfect Circle, Karnivool, 12 stones, Godsmack, etc. Contact Dean 0431067758 Singer For Rock Covers Band Needed.

New project that will incorporate some originals. We have large acoustically enhanced rehearsal room inc.

P.A and all recording equipment. Project will involve live gigs/shows, recording, and working on orginal material. Age no barrier, but must be team player with own equip and transport. Covering rock/ pop/grunge/hair-band/ glam. You will be working with experienced team.

So whatever your flavour, you’ll certainly find somewhere to enrich your taste buds with it in Ballarat over the next couple of weeks.

Information for purchasing Birds of Tokyo tickets can be found at: http://www.ballarat.edu.au/ current-students/oweek/oweek-social-activities/ birds-of-tokyo Information regarding The Karova Lounge and upcoming acts can be found on their website: http://www.karovalounge.com/home Information regarding The Babushka Lounge and upcoming acts can be found at their website: http://evileye.com.au/babushkalounge.com/

Carlos: 0409 493521 Photographer Wanted for band photos. Semniprofessional ok. Call Josh 0430971319 Wanted, 40+ y.o.

Muso’s to form a fun Rock Band.

Bass, Drummer, Lead Guitar, Keyboards or other welcome. To play Classic Rock from the 70’s onwards. Call or Text Nick on 0408359821.

Geelong Vocalist Looking for guitarist, bass and drummer to form contemporary blues/ rock band. Experienced players required.Ph: Craig 0404054045 or email transform_pt@ yahoo.com.au Singer/songwriter looking for musicians to perform at festivals and venues drummer, bass player, guitarist & key boards player must be 40 years + must be experienced and professional please phone or email david 0417661299 davidwatson62@ y7mail.com Bass Player Wanted Or Guitarist to share Bass playing. We are a Friendly Bunch of 40 YO Boys who love our music and do 70’s rock and some originals. No pressure just dedications.

Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, ACDC, Bad CompanyStyle of Music..Please contact John: 0408179916 For Sale: Cort EVL-Z4 Electric Guitar. Great guitar for the beginner/ intermediate player who wants more bang for their buck! Fitted with two EMG humbuckers and set up with super low action.

Great for hard rock, metal and punk! Selling for $350 but open for negotiations: email at liam-guitar@ hotmail.com

SATURDAY 13 APRIL THE BENDED ELBOW • GEELONG THURSDAY 11 APRIL PRINCE BANDROOM MELBOURNE

SUNDAY 14 APRIL CARAVAN MUSIC CLUB MELBOURNE

ON SALE NOW GO TO CHUGGENTERTAINMENT.COM OR BLUESFESTTOURING.COM.AU FOR MORE INFO NEWTONFAULKNER.COM • CHUGGENTERTAINMENT.COM • BLUESFESTTOURING.COM.AU

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Little Wise

By Tex Miller

In the history of rock ‘n’ roll, some of the most acclaimed songs have been prison-themed, such as Johnny Cash’s ‘Folsom Prison Blues’ and Elvis Presley’s ‘Jailhouse Rock’. Melbourne’s own Little Wise are set to join these illustrious musicians with their own gig at Mount Gambier Gaol. Having already played in Canberra, Beechworth and at The Vineyard as part of the St. Kilda Festival, Sophie Klein, lead singer and guitarist, speaks adamantly about the upcoming Victorian shows, which see the band hit Ballarat, Deans Marsh and Warrnambool in the upcoming month.

“It’s been a really great response actually to the shows so far. I think that overall it has been a little surreal because we are happy if one or two people show up given that we have never been to these areas before to play music. They have all been really well attended and it’s the kind of audience that sit and listen to your songs, buy the cd and really support us. This has been the main ambition of this tour – to build an audience from a grass roots level so that the next tour will be bigger and better than ever,” Sophie says.

Armed with guitars, vocal harmonies and good times, Little Wise are touring the current single ‘Ride Now’ off their latest EP entitled Moments of Clarity.

Written during some personal times, Sophie believes that the song (although nearly causing a car accident) is about the understanding of living today because you are unsure of what will come tomorrow. “I wrote the song in about ten minutes, before I went to a family dinner and nearly had a car accident because

Kate Miller-Heidke

By Tex Miller

With her fourth album Night Flight released last year followed by an album tour, Kate Miller- Heidke is about to head out on the road once again to play some shows in regional Victoria before an appearance at the Port Fairy Folk Festival over the Labour Day long weekend. Recently I sat down for a chat with Kate about Night Flight, plus what’s in store for 2013.

From just one listen of the latest album, it is immediately evident that there is a darker sound towards the new material and this is due to the ever-changing ways in which Kate writes songs. Taking advice from front man of eighties new wave rock pioneers Talking Heads, David Byrne, Kate feels that with each song that she writes there is a different setting and framework in mind every time she sits down at the piano.

“David Byrne, has an idea in every song which is different in the impact that it is going to have with the audience. In terms of my back catalogue, Curiouser, is a playful and experimental record which was written more on computers with synths and had more of a festival vibe. This time around, having toured with Ben Folds in the states, Night Flight is a broodier and darker record than I have ever done and the music is more suited to theatres I think than rock venues,” Kate explains.

Without a doubt, some of Miller Heidke’s most recognised works is ‘Caught In The Crowd’ and ‘Last Day On Earth’, however, at the time of writing those

fucked up

By Natalie Rogers

Back in Australia for the third time as part of Soundwave, I was lucky enough to chat with Mr Jo – Jonah Falco drummer of Toronto’s favourite and most controversial hard-core punk band.

“Soundwave was an absolute adventure the first time we played it,” Jonah begins. “We had made friends with the Polar Bear Club at the last Soundwave, who will be there again and our friends Danko Jones from Toronto are playing too.”

Forming in 2001, Fucked Up has had its share of troubles, they began when Jonah realized he would have to lie to about being in the band; “I understand our name is not very parent friendly, in the beginning I had to sneak to band practice after school, because my father did not approve,” Jonah laughed.

Fast forward to 2007, the band played a show in New York that was filmed for the movie Burn, the performance was reviewed in the New York Times, although the name of the band was unprintable under the newspaper’s editorial standard and add in filing a lawsuit against Rolling Stone Magazine and it seems a miracle Fucked Up is still around to tell the tale.

Since their first appearance at Soundwave, Jonah and the guys have been busy releasing their third studio album, David Comes To Life. A self-professed “rock opera”, that was named No. 1 Album of 2011 by Spin Magazine and inciting chaos on the set of MTV Canada during a performance resulting in moshing being banned for all future live recordings.

All the while still finding time to support mega band The Foo Fighters on their national tour of Australia and New

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the song was still floating around in my head.

I wrote it before I started work on the EP and so I decided to just jump straight into the music industry and see where I ended up.”

Sophie’s joyful and upbeat song writing is mainly due to the influences of Paul Kelly and The Waifs, two of Australia’s greatest singer-songwriter acts. Despite struggling initially to pinpoint exactly what influences her song writing, being able to craft and shape a song is an important part of the process.

“Although I don’t listen to The Waifs music much anymore, I think they have always been a major part of what I do. Paul Kelly, is an amazing songwriter and from just listening to his back catalogue of work, I have gained an appreciation for the art of telling a story through song,” Sophie states.

Starting out as a solo project it quickly developed into a full band, when Sophie decided to bring more musicians into the group. Since bringing in Megan Bernard on electric guitar and Arlene Fletcher on bass, their musicianship in Sophie’s mind has allowed for the music to develop in leaps and bounds. Sophie gleams with positivity when we talk about the addition of band members to Little Wise.

“Megan has an amazing feel for the electric guitar, and in her own music she plays a bit more of a sexy kind of funk and soul groove.

Her versatility in adapting to playing music in a different genre is great, and she adds the pretty layers of guitar that really crank up the sound.”

Be sure to check out the next generation of Australian song writing in Melbourne’s own Little Wise.

When&Where: February 15 - The Loft, Warrnambool, March 1 - Martians Café, Deans Marsh & March 2 - Babushka Lounge, Ballarat

tunes, Kate was unaware of how well received they were going to be with her fans. In simple terms, thinking of the commercial success of a song whilst writing is definitely a one-way road to disaster. “If I get into that headspace, it just fucks with my mind, admittedly the hardest part within song writing for me is finishing a song and that really requires a disciplined and specific headspace, but I never think about how well it’s going to do in terms of awards, I write in and for the moment.”

Many artists from around Australia and overseas are set to converge on Port Fairy in early March for the annual folk festival. Kate is excited as ever to get back down the coast to play at one of the greatest folk festivals Australia has to offer. “ It’s just a brilliant festival. It’s one of the top tier quality music festivals and they have really gone out of their way to make it a great experience for the punters and to be immersed in amazing music that transcends genres is also wonderful. It’s not a party festival; it’s a listening festival. Port Fairy is a great little town and I’ve got great memories of that festival, it’s one of the first times I got to see Colin Hay perform and he is such an influence and I am a massive fan.”

In terms of what punters can expect in the way of a set list? Old favourites of the Miller-Heidke set including the 1977 debut hit ‘Psycho Killer’ from Talking Heads, have ‘been retired’ from the current set list on the Night Flight, however, there should be something to please everyone as Kate relates. “We’re going to be mixing it up a lot with some older stuff and some new songs as well, so it’ll be great to get down to Port Fairy once again, I can’t wait!”

When&Where: March 8, 9, 10, 11 - Port Fairy Folk Festival, Port Fairy

Zealand, “we were very lucky and got to open up for The Foo Fighters when they did a tour of Australia,” Jonah said. “So we have had two really blockbuster experiences in the southern hemisphere. It will be like a home coming because we have been away for a while. This time round we know a little bit more about Australia; we know what it is like to be there. We practically have favourite restaurants, so I think we will just enjoy our time as much as possible, and really saviour what is left of the summer there, because it is bloody miserable here,” he laughed.

“Actually the person who is going to be looking after us is a guy called Wally and he was in a band called The Meanies [legendary Melbourne band], back in the late eighties, early nineties.

They are a cool hard-core band so we can’t wait to see him again and we get to tell people we are touring ‘with Metallica’, Jonah joked “It’s going to be like having a backstage pass to every stadium show you always wanted to see, but couldn’t afford, it’s going to be like that every single day for us on this tour.”

Until then Fucked Up are locked away in the studio in Toronto. “We are in the midst of writing our new record, but it’s anybody’s guess when it will be finished,” Jonah admitted. “It’s early days yet, we are just in the stage of weeding out the good songs from the bad ones, so watch this space.”

“If you are within breathing distance of the Soundwave Festival, it is going to be the best day of your life so please come and spend some time with us and the rest of the killer bands. And anyone can find me a copy of The Babies Nobody Wants Me or XL Capris’ Axle Records, please send me a copy to Soundwave care of Fucked Up!”

When&Where: March 1 - Soundwave Festival, Flemington Racecourse (Sold Out) photo: Daniel boud

FORTE FOCUS

By Wylie Caird

Don’t Walk Away HAVE YOUR SAY! Email us at editorial@ fortemag.com.au

What would you do if you had the chance to help someone in need?

In 1979 Phil Collins wrote and recorded the song ‘In the Air Tonight’. It would appear for the first time on his 1981 album Face Value. The lyrics ‘Well, I was there and I saw what you did; I saw it with my own two eyes; So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you’ve been; It’s all been a pack of lies’ led to one of the great music myths: that Collins wrote the song after witnessing a man drowning who could have been saved.

Though Collins has denied the urban legend it does prompt an ethical debate. Should one get involved? And to what extent? It is a question that was raised once again in light of the racial attack on ABC journalist Jeremy Fernandez on February 8. On the following Monday’s Q&A on the ABC the topic was tackled.

The cases of indifference are many. One such horrific case occurred in 2010, New York, when 31-year-old Guatemalan immigrant Hugo Alfredo Tale-Yax was stabbed while aiding a woman being attacked. Both the attacker, and the woman he attempted to help, fled the scene. According to reports one man bent down and shook the man and, realising the pool of blood underneath his body, walked away. Two men conversed about the situation with one pausing to take a photograph before walking on. Most just took a curious look as they continued on their way. Tale-Yax died from his wounds.

The most well-known school of thought about why one is so reserved to help another in distress, particularly when others are around, is Genovese syndrome, otherwise referred to as Bystander Effect.

Genovese syndrome is named after Catherine Susan ‘Kitty’ Genovese who, in 1964, was stabbed to death near her home in Queens, New York. 38 people later admitted hearing her screams while three admitted to seeing the attack take place. John M. Darley, currently a professor of psychology at Princeton University, and Bibb Latané, currently Director of the Center for

Human Science in NC, became fascinated by the case and in 1968 conducted the first laboratory experiment examining the phenomenon.

These researchers conducted a series of experiments.

A typical experiment would involve a confederate (one who is working with the researchers) who is placed in a room either by him or herself or with others. An emergency situation is then staged and the researchers would measure how long it took for someone to intervene, if at all. Another, conducted by Latané and Judith Rodin, widely regarded for her work in this field, staged an experiment around a woman in distress. When alone, 70 per cent of the people went to the woman’s aid when she cried out for help. When in the room with others only 40 per cent offered help.

Darley and Latané attributed their results to ‘diffusion of responsibility’ or ‘altruistic inertia’.

They explained that a person is less likely to intervene when others are around as they believe someone has already, or will, assist. Other terms including ‘confusion of responsibility’ (‘What if my intervention leads to people thinking I am responsible for this?’) and ‘pluralistic ignorance’ (‘If no-one has responded yet then perhaps there is no emergency’) have also been suggested as reasons for people’s reluctance to intervene.

Much of Darley and Latané’s work is covered in their 1970 publication, The Unresponsive Bystander: Why Doesn’t He Help?.

But what happens when a Good Samaritan pays a price for their deed? In May last year a Rutherford woman was brutally raped when she stopped her car to assist a man who appeared to have broken down. She spent twenty weeks in and out of hospital, had major bowel surgery and three bladder operations. In 2011, following an AFL game, a man was bashed after coming to the aid of a woman. He received a broken eye socket for his trouble. In January a 20-year-old Oxenford man was assaulted and had his car stolen while helping a woman whose car appeared to have broken down. The woman was part of the set up. These are all horrible instances of when a

good deed turns bad and are sure, arguably justifiably, to make one think twice.

Another phenomenon that has occurred in more recent times is YouTube Directors.

While YouTube can prove to be an invaluable resource it can also serve as a breeding ground for people to upload videos on to sites such as YouTube with, more often than not, the sole intention of clocking up views. Views and likes take importance here. Admittedly, this has at times worked for the greater good.

When Galbant Singh Juttla uploaded a clip of Jacqueline Woodhouse unleashing a racist tirade on a London train on YouTube the video went viral and made international headlines.

Whatever his intention may have been when uploading the clip, Galbant’s footage would later lead to the arrest of Woodhouse who would receive a 21-week jail term for her vitriol.

The work of those including John Darley, Bibb Latané and Judith Rodin gives a fascinating and valuable insight into the bystander effect.

Similarly, the work of psychologist Ervin Staub and sociologist Samuel Oliner help to explain the differences between active bystanders and passive bystanders. Is there a reason some people intervene while others do not?

Shedding further light on the issue is Political Scientist Kristen Monroe in her book ‘The Heart of Altruism’ where she writes of the “altruism perspective”, a perspective shared among altruists “that they are strongly linked to others through a shared community.”

WRITERS WANTED AT FORTE MAG! Wanna chat to cool musos?

Got a soap box you wanna stand on? Feel like you’ve got an opinion on music but no one is listening?

We are ready for a fresh crop of music lovers to join the Forte team. Drop us a line and get involved! Email brigitte@fortemag.com.au

So, who among us would walk away and who would lend assistance? Is it okay to walk away? Ever? The question is not an easy one to answer. While diffusion of responsibility, confusion of responsibility and pluralistic ignorance indeed play their part, circumstance and the threat of the situation to our own safety too plays a role. Whatever your belief, what has been presented here barely skims the surface of what can often be a heated debate.

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Girl Audio

By Natalie Rogers

Since learning to DJ with friends only a few short years ago, Melbournian Girl Audio, aka Erin Roberts, has come a long way. Her big break came after she placed 2nd overall in Melbourne’s 2011 YOUR SHOT competition, knocking out all but one of the 1,000 entrants!

Living up to the hype, Erin went on to score a no.1 hit on the Electro House charts for ‘I like the Bass’, won a residency at Room 680 (amongst others) which was voted Australia’s no.1 club night on inthemix.com, and was recently named as a top ten finalist in 2012’s DFO She Can DJ competition: “The competition was fierce!” Erin said.

So to celebrate the success of all the girls and to keep the party going, Erin will be spinning the decks at Home House Nightclub in Geelong on Feb 23. “Geelong is one of my favourite places to play! I’ve never played at Home House before, so of course I have something special planned. I have a new track which I will play for the first time there.

I’ve actually been booked for a lot of gigs there over the next few months.”

Fresh from a stint over in New Zealand, Erin is ready to take on the world, one gig at a time: “Recently I did my first international gig in Auckland. I went over there for another all-girl event, and that was amazing! I never expected to be going overseas this early in my career, so to be given this opportunity was so awesome - so hopefully a few more of those in the next few years would be lovely!”

Erin has had a dream run lately, but is quick to point out it may not always be so easy: “It’s a tough cookie to crack - I think as a girl it’s sometimes a little easier to get your foot in the door because there aren’t as many of us around,” Erin admits. “It’s still a bit of a novelty to get a girl DJing. But if you really want to make a name for yourself and not just be another girl DJ, it’s just as hard for a girl to do that as for a guy.”

For Erin, the She Can DJ competition is an incredible opportunity to propel female DJs to the forefront of the electronic music industry. “I think this tour is going to raise awareness as to how far girls can go. Being in Famous Magazine for the She Can DJ promotion, that’s huge! I hope a lot of girls see that, and are encouraged to give it a go and not feel like they would never have a chance because they’re a girl, because it is one of the funnest jobs that you could possibly have!”

So get down to Home House this month and support these awesome girls spinning some fresh tracks because, as Erin sees it, electro music is the way of the future: “We’re seeing electronic music start to have the biggest music festivals in the world and I really hope that keeps going ‘cause EM is just as complex and awesome as any music out there.”

When&Where: February 23 Home House Nightclub, Geelong

Pugsley Buzzard

Worth and Dallas. Everyone has two names there. I spent most of my time firing a 357. magnum and a 38. special in my cousin Laurence Edward’s back yard.

available exclusively on itunes. Though I will have a few promotional copies available at the show. I hadn’t released anything in a while so I just put them out to keep things flowing.

After almost two years between conversations we touched base with the infamous Pugsley Buzzard as he gears up for a local perfomance at the Piping Hot Chicken Shop in Ocean Grove on February 22. Back in Victoria and wise from all his worldly adventures, Pugsley talks about his time on foreign land and what’s in store for Buzzard lovers in the coming year.

The Himalayan Festival in Kathmandu sounds very interesting, can your describe that experience? The audiences were very passionate and enthusiastic.

They have a maoist government there and an 11pm curfew on night time activities.

One night we ran over time and the militia stormed the stage with machine guns and shut us down. The audience had a riot in our honour.

Are you taking your latest recordings in any particular direction? I’m recording the next album in New Orleans in May so we’ll have a lot of guest players from there on it. So lot’s of brass and some fat grooves. We are about to launch a crowd funding campaign to make this happen so if anyone wants to contribute you can go to my website www. pugsleybuzzard.com and go to my tip jar. Otherwise join my mailing list for a more detailed brief.

With so much travel and having done live shows all over the world, do you find crowds receive your music in a similar way all around the world, or is each crowd distinctly different? Americans are really expressive and tend to get really excited. In Portugal they cry and smash glasses. Europeans in general seem to react more emotionally. Australian’s by comparison are a lot more reserved. But each audience is a different animal.

How is life as a solo touring artist in the current economic climate? Are people still coming out to shows? Sure, people need cheering up and I’m here to deliver joy to people.

Pugsley, it has been about two years since we last caught up for a chat! What has been going on in your world? I’ve been to Europe and the USA a couple of times and relocated my headquarters to Victoria.

You’re a prolific touring artist. Tell us about some of the shows you have done lately?

I just spent a few weeks in WA and then a week in Sydney and Newcastle area. I’m on my way to Tasmania in a few days.

You have just returned from a successful tour of America, fill us in? It was a lot of fun. I started in San Francisco and played a bunch of shows there. Then played a jazz club in LA that’s run by Ray Charles’ former drummer. After that I played at a boogie woogie piano festival in Arizona.

Then flew across to Tennessee and played in Chattanooga and Alabama. My tuba player from Melbourne joined me here and we caught the train from Birmingham Alabama to New Orleans.

We played in New Orleans for a few weeks with a local drummer around the French Quarter. Then I finished up in Texas with my big hat wearing, tobacco chewing, gun totin’ cousins around Fort

The Kris Wanders & Mani Neumeier Quintet Their sound has been decribed as raw, primal, urgent, ecstatic and most of all spontaneous.

This ‘fresh’ sort of description is suprising considering these two artists have a musical friendship and collaborative history extending for over forty years. Despite the odd challenge with translation and a little broken english, Mani and Kris recalled some of their time working in the industry.

You two have been collaborating together since 1966. That is such a long time, take us back...

Kris: Mani was playing with the Peter Brötzmann trio. We meet first at a Jazz festival in 1965 in Belgium. Peter organised a big band for a recording in which I was invited to play. Later Brötz formed a quintet with his original trio that is: himself, Mani and Peter Kowald (later to become my brother in law) and he added the French speaking trumpet player Claude Derron and myself.

Briefly describe the evolution of your musical journey and in turn your friendships? Kris: As working musicians we moved around quite a lot and played in various combinations with Alex von Schlippenbach’s Globe Unity and I also played briefly a few times with the Irene Schweitzer trio of which Mani was also part.

Mani, you were a member of Guru Guru (I’m

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You have been making some new music lately & have just released two new singles. Are these attached to larger project? I released my version of a song ‘Bad Attitude’ written by some friends of mine Mike West and Katie Euliss they run an outfit called Truckstop Honeymoon out of Lawrence Kansas. They tour in Australia quite regularly now. I’ve just finished a videoclip for it that should be out shortly.

And I recorded one of mine at the same time it’s called ‘Hold on to your Hat’. They’re watching the Living Room Rehearsal now), tell us about the Guru Guru venture and that time in your life?

Mani: I founded Guru Guru in 1968 with bassplayer Uli Trepte. We lived together as a commune in South Germany near Heidelberg and lived only from the music.

We are one of the important bands of the later so called ‘krautrockgroups’, we have this year 45 years jubilee, after 3200 concerts and 30 cds/lp’! We never stopped our live activities.

How would you descirbe your musical genre? Jazz? Mani, you have dabbled in the production of electrnoica also, no? Kris : The roots of our music are Jazz based with strong European influence.

By the way Mani was the first so called “Free Jazz” drummer in Europe. Mani : I think its freejazz, with influence of tribal music, trance + rock - Yes , I produced also electronic music with Conni Plank + Moebius of Cluster.

What inspires you to create music? Kris : We did 2 records with Globe Unity (“Sun” -released on the SABA label and “Globe Unity 1969” released on ATAVISTIC) and we did our own CD “Taken By Surprise” released on NotTwo in Poland.

How do you like Australia? Kris: Mani visits us every year when it’s too cold in Europe. I live in Australia When&Where: February 22 - The Bridge Hotel, Castlemaine

You’re about to come down to the Piping Hot Chicken Shop, a fantastically unique little venue, have you been there before? No first time. I’m looking foward to it.

Got anything special in store for Piping Hot? I will be joined by my Drummer Tim Kingsley and Tuba player Mr Nathan Ford.

Final words there Pugsley? Yes, don’t sit around square-afying your peepers in front of the idiot box.

Get on out there and experience some finely crafted and expertly delivered live music. Feed your soul and you’ll never grow old!

When&Where: February 22 - Piping Hot Chicken Shop, Ocean Grove

FRIDAY 1 MARCH

FLEMINGTON RACECOURSE

STAGE 4 A

STAGE 2 A

THE OFFSPRING

9:00 - 10:00

STAGE 1 A 7:45 - 10:00

LINKIN PARK

6:30 - 7:45 5:20 - 6:30

BLINK 182 A PERFECT CIRCLE

4:20 - 5:20 3:35 - 4:20

KYUSS LIVES CYPRESS HILL

1:20 - 2:05 12:40 - 1:20

5:45 - 6:45 5:00 - 5:45 4:15 - 5:00 2:45 - 3:30

STONE SOUR

1:15 - 2:00

THE BLACKOUT

12:30 - 1:15 12:00 - 12:30

**LOCAL**

7:20 - 8:00

6:00 - 6:40

bullet for my valentine

5:20 - 6:00

fLogging molly

4:00 - 4:40

4:40 - 5:20

SUM 41

3:20 - 4:00

billy talent THE VANDALS MINDLESS SELF INDULGENCE THE LAWRENCE ARMS

9:20 - 10:00 8:20 - 9:00 7:20 - 8:00 6:20 - 7:00 5:20 - 6:00 4:20 - 5:00 3:20 - 4:00 2:20 - 3:00 1:20 - 2:00 12:20 - 1:00

9:20 - 10:00

THE AMITY AFFLICTION BRING ME THE HORIZON SLEEPING WITH SIRENS GHOST KILLSWITCH ENGAGE ALL TIME LOW MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK DRAGONFORCE KINGDOM OF SORROW SIX FEET UNDER

8:20 - 9:00 7:20 - 8:00 6:20 - 7:00 5:20 - 6:00 4:20 - 5:00 3:20 - 4:00 2:20 - 3:00 1:20 - 2:00 12:20 - 1:00 11:20 - 12:00

SUCH GOLD THE EARLY NOVEMBER POLAR BEAR CLUB

versus the world

PIERCE THE VEIL CEREBRAL BALLZY FUCKED UP the sword DUFF McKAGAN’S LOADED THE DEAR HUNTER danko jones ORANGE GOBLIN SYLOSIS FOZZY RED FANG

CANCER BATS LIVING WITH LIONS O’BROTHER OF MICE & MEN WHILE SHE SLEEPS DEAF HAVANA THE WONDER YEARS PERIPHERY

1:20 - 2:00 12:40 - 1:20

LUCERO MEMPHIS MAY FIRE

12:00 - 12:40

STAGE 6

STAGE 5 STAGE 3

WOE IS ME

2:40 - 3:20 2:00 - 2:40

sharks

11:30 - 12:00

8:40 - 9:20 8:00 - 8:40

6:40 - 7:20

SLAYER

2:00 - 2:45

11:30 - 12:00 CROSSFAITH 11:00 - 11:30

GARBAGE

6:45 - 7:45

ANTHRAX

12:00 - 12:40

paramore

3:30 - 4:15

TOMAHAWK

2:50 - 3:35 2:05 - 2:50

STAGE 1 B

METALLICA

7:45 - 9:00

STAGE 2 B

STAGE 4 B CHUNK! NO, CAPTAIN CHUNK!

9:20 - 10:00

9:20 - 10:00 8:20 - 9:00 7:20 - 8:00 6:20 - 7:00 5:20 - 6:00 4:20 - 5:00 3:20 - 4:00 2:20 - 3:00 1:20 - 2:00 12:30 - 1:00 11:45 - 12:15 11:00 - 11:30

THE CHARIOT CHELSEA GRIN VISION OF DISORDER SICK OF IT ALL MADBALL SHAI HULUD CONFESSION GALLOWS THIS IS HELL MISS MAY I NORTHLANE MILESTONES

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THE INSIDE SPLINTERS

MIXTAPE; SE2013E02. lady gaga

MADONNA IS ON INSTAGRAM Stop the Presses and pop the kettle on; the Queen of Pop and the High Priestess of Entertainment has finally made it to Instagram! Username ‘Madonna’, her Royal Highness has so far called her followers “Mother Fuckers”, shared snaps of her drinking, sweating and wearing a fake moustache (which admittedly left us for dead when we first saw it), and is following a whopping total of three people on the social networking site; Her boyfriend Brahim, her manager Guy, and her son Rocco. Amazing.

Lady Gaga has had to cancel all the remaining dates on her current US and Canada tour as she undergoes minor surgery and follows through on doctor’s orders for bed-rest.

The “Paper Gangster” crooner had previously postponed a number of shows on her Born This Way world tour in Chicago however, all other future performances were expected to go ahead as scheduled. Then, on February the 13th, Gaga’s camp made an announcement that left many little monsters clutching their rosaries and praying to RedOne. “Live Nation Global Touring has confirmed that the remainder of the Lady Gaga Born This Way Ball performances have

CLIFF DIRECTION Cliff Richard, aka the absolute straightest man who definitely isn’t an enormous dick-pig honestly, has announced that, much like the rest of us gays, he wants to work with One Direction. ”It was fascinating watching the fast rise to fame of One Direction,” says Sir Cliff. :For quite a while I didn’t hear their music. Of course I may have heard something on the radio but all too often nobody tells you what you have just listened to! There’s been many a time when I would have bought a record, but didn’t know who or what to ask for.”

Going slightly off-track, the “Some People” warbler swiftly got back onto it by announcing that all of the boys from 1D have a great voice.

“I’ve heard One Direction now, and think that each one of them has a terrific voice. So if they ever decide to do a duet I’m available, but I’m not cheap!” We bet Clifford. We bet.

01. DU TONC “Darkness” A monstrous dance track from Australia’s own Matt Van Schie and the legendary Mighty Mouse.

02. DJ SYBOY ft. RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE “Runway Girl”

03. VAN SHE “Ghost Gurl”

justin timberlake

ALEXANDRA BURKE GOES GOSPEL In news that will probably shock nobody, Alexandra Burke has ditched the RedOne produced electropop and dance of her previous releases and is opting for a more ‘gospel’ approach. Oh dear. The “Broken Heels” songstress wants to take all three of the people who will buy her as yet unreleased album back to where music began. “Aretha Franklin, Billie Holiday, that gospel, spiritual sound really gets me. And that’s where music comes from.

Our generation and people who are younger than me, they don’t really know where music started from, because some of them haven’t been taught that.” If this bitch does an album of covers we are done with her hypocritical arse.

THIS! BOY IS A BOTTOM! The genius that is Willam Belli has served strongly throughout previous issues of Splinters, and her new single is no exception. Some of you may remember her collaboration with fellow queens Vicky Vox and Detox called “Chow Down”, set to the tune of Wilson Philips’ “Hold On”, and was a jab at the American Chicken Fast-food outlet Chick-fil-A, a company with a strong, unfavourable stance when it comes to the Gay & Lesbian community. Nothing is as topical, funny, smart or catchy as this wonderful trio’s consistent ventures into pop. The new single, “Boy Is A Bottom”, parodies Alicia Keys’ “Girl Is On Fire” and is, naturally, 1,000 times better than the original. YouTube the video for a complete hysteria-breakdown. You won’t regret it.

JUSTINE TIMBERLANK Justin Timberlake has been yammering on about his bromance with Timbaland to anyone that’ll listen. “We’re like brothers. You have friends like that, friends you don’t have to say much to, but you know they just get who you are. We go in the studio and kind of don’t even speak to each other. He’ll start tinkering around or I’ll start playing some chords and start tinkering around with some loop of something and that’ll give him an idea and then we’ll start looping it and then I’ll start humming a melody and then we just ping-pong an idea back and forth. We share the same perspective that we always want to make something that reminds us of music that we love, but at the same time is something we’ve never heard before.” Good God Justin, remember when you were in a pop group called N*Sync and had a perm? Christ on a Bike.

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Yup, she went there.

05. DJ SHYBOY ft. RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE “The Shade Of It All” “If you’re America’s Sweetheart then America needs a heart transplant.”

06. CHVRCHES “Recover” A great pop song that Alternative radio will no doubt steal as their own in a month’s time.

07. MISS KITTIN “Bassline” Miss Kittin is BACK with her most accessible single in years.

08. MISS KITTIN “Come Into My House” More new Kittin material, this one

being a big, creamy dose of Disco.

09. KIMBERLEY WALSH “One Day I’ll Fly Away (Alias Club Mix)” We’re not sure why this remix

sounds like Gangnam Style after the chorus but we’ll certainly take it.

10. SOLANGE “Lovers In The Parking Lot” Sunlounge Knowles > Beyonce Knowles.

HIT OR SHIT! DU TONC This new project courtesy of Matt Van Schie and Mighty Mouse is the one to watch in 2013. Debut single “Darkness” is the stuff summer dreams are made of.

VAN SHE The boys absolutely rocked it to an unappreciative crowd this gone weekend in Geelong. Aside from the pricks trying to bottle Matt and sticking their fingers up at Nick; damn good show.

MADONNA Still the greatest Super Bowl performance of all time.

Sorry ‘bout it Beyonce.

CALF BLOOD Let’s all get really wasted this weekend guys!

SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA You announced your retirement a year ago, please stop.

BEYONCE For ensuring Kelly Rowland and Michelle Whatsername’s microphones at the Super Bowl were turned down to an almost negative decibel.

SHIT!

“ Whenever I see people saying they miss the old Britney, I remember back to 2007 when I literally sobbed thinking she was going to die.

So I’m just glad that we actually have a Britney Spears, nevermind a previous version. Don’t laugh at me, I have a lot of feelings and they revolve around my favourite pop queens and cake.”

Even the spelling is FLAWLESS.

04. NICOLE SCHERZINGER “Boomerang”

tweet of the week

Seemingly, we have a lot in common with Twitter’s @dazhutchinson.

FIERCE.

HIT

BYE THIS WAY

been cancelled. After additional tests this morning to review the severity of the issue, it has been determined that Lady Gaga has a labral tear of the right hip. She will need surgery to repair the problem, followed by strict down time to recover. This unfortunately, will force her to cancel the tour, so she can heal.”

Continuing on via Twitter, Gaga then followed the official announcement with her own two cents. “I am completely devastated and heartsick. I’ve been hiding this injury and pain from my staff for a month, praying it would heal, but after last night’s performance I could not work.

To the fans in Chicago, Detroit and Hamilton, I hope you can forgive me as it is nearly impossible for me to forgive myself right now. I would do anything for you. I will hopefully heal soon as possible and be at 500% again, which is what you deserve.

It will hopefully heal as soon as possible, I hate this. I hate this so much. I love you and I’m sorry.” Get well soon Gaga (is anybody else laughing slightly at the irony that she has a ‘joint’ related injury?)

the SPLINTERS TOP 10 COUNTDOWN

THE CITY LIGHTS MELBOURNE

The City Lights: We’re heading for Venus.

Coming up you have… .........................................................................

Believe in Shelly Segal Melbourne songbird Shelly Segal is either a restless music soul or an adventurous one. Or perhaps they go hand in hand. Projects include a jazz and folk covers album, a folk-pop album of love songs and an upbeat indie-folk album. There is also An Atheist Album, a release which has seen the singer-songwriter become a pin-up girl for atheists. The calypso-swaying track ‘Saved’ has gone global. The Toff - February 27. .........................................................................

Feel the Beat of Antibalas Born out of Brooklyn in the late 1990s, Antibalas is widely credited for bringing afrobeat to a wider audience.

Modelled after greats Africa ’70 and Harlem River Drive Orchestra, the band performed their first gig in May, 1998. As the band’s numbers grew (now standing at 11), so did their presence in the music scene. They released their debut album Liberation Afrobeat Vol. 1 in 2000. A self-titled effort was delivered last year. The Corner - March 6. .........................................................................

The Arsonists on Fire Karnivool’s Steve Judd shows he has a few more music tricks in his bag with new outfit The Arsonists. The project began as two friends, both with a fondness for pop, who started laying down some home recordings.

A couple more members were hunted down (including Judd) and a band was formed. The band’s debut EP Disguises was engineered by Dave Parkin. The Evelyn - March 3. They’ll be joined by Dead in a Second. .........................................................................

Nick a Greenthief While You Can A lot of nice things have been said about Brisbane alternative three-piece Greenthief. FasterLouder’s Sharon Friel wrote: “If their music were a date movie it would be Iron Man in that there is the boom and explosion to satisfy the chest beating alpha male and the smooth timely one liners from Robert Downey to satisfy the ladies.” Hear that ladies? The band is off to the US in April but will warm up with a gig at The Espy on March 23.

Jim Lindberg. They played the first of their reunion shows at the start of the year and boy have they been going down a treat. As their following in Australia is as song as ever, they have happily and pennywisely rescheduled their Australian tour and in case you didn’t catch the news, here is the date: The Palace - April 4. .........................................................................

All Heart with Tegan and Sara Aussies have a soft spot for Canadian indie-rock sisters Tegan and Sara. They’re been here a few times before, the last time being 2010’s Groovin’ the Moo festival run, and that is the reason they return again.

They also have a new album to show-off so the timing is perfect. Their new album, and seventh studio effort, is Heartthrob. In the lead up to its release the sisters released an eight-part video series documenting its recording. The Palais - May 2. .........................................................................

They Might Be Giants A WHOLE lot has happened in the past 12 years.

Google it if you don’t believe me. And that is the amount of time They Might Be Giants have been absent from our shores. But that is all changing in 2013 with the joyous and quirky veterans returning. As a small way to say, ‘yeah, sorry about that 12-year thing’, the band is bringing a new album with them. Titled Nanobots, the album, their sixteenth, will be released in March.

The Corner - May 2. .........................................................................

Rascal Flatts’ Aussie Debut

chris cruz

Credited to the introduction of the ‘beat mixing’ movement, Greg Wilson has a name that ranks among the best in the DJ game. He was heavily associated with Manchester’s early electro scene and began his club career as a DJ when he was 15. He was the first DJ to mix live on British television and was also responsible for showing Norman Cook, Fatboy Slim, the scratching ropes. New Guernica - March 10. .........................................................................

Falling for Fall Out Boy

Pennywise Rescheduled In October Californian punk rock granddaddy’s Pennywise announced the return of original vocalist

TOO HEAVY TO HUG PAUL S TAYLOR

The Beats of Greg Wilson

.........................................................................

Melbourne sextet The Tiger & Me will be showing off their new single ‘Made It to the Harbour’ on a tour which kicks off at the beginning of next month. Through the work of three lead vocalists riffing off each other and a mixture of styles, the band skips from charming pop to explosive dirty rock in a musical heartbeat. Riverside Live - March 1; Elsternwick Hotel - March 15; The Workers Club - April 12 & 13.

In the world of country music few are bigger than Rascal Flatts.

Comprised of Gary LeVox, Jay DeMarcus and Joe Don Rooney, the Nashville-bred band is a recording and touring workhorse. Since their formation in 2000 the band has released eight studio albums including their latest, Changed. For their Aussie debut they will be bringing along rising stars The Band Perry who will release their second album in April. The Palais - March 15.

.........................................................................

There was some quiet sobbing and not so quiet sobbing when Fall Out Boy decided to put a hold on things for a little while. Given they seem like such likeable fellas you can understand that. But as we well know they’re back in action with new single ‘My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)’. The single is a wee taste of their forthcoming new album Save Rock and Roll, due March 3. The Palace - March 27.

The Tiger & Me Have Made It

A Little More Birdy She’s the girl who could break a million hearts and she is soon to arrive in Australia. Jasmine van den Bogaerde, better known as Birdy, is one of those names everyone seems to know.

The buzz surrounding the songbird began in 2008 when she won Open Mic UK but when she released her self-titled debut in 2011 the rest of the world found out just how talented a gal she is. The Palais - April 8 & Hamer Hall April 9 (new show).

Funeral for a Friend Return Post-hardcore favourites Funeral for a Friend will return to Australia a little later down the track for a tidy handful of shows around the country. The band has just released their sixth studio album, Conduit, so there will be plenty of fresh tunes to be heard. 2013 also marks the ten-year anniversary of their debut album Casually Dressed & Deep in Conversation so there will be plenty of oldies to be heard as well.

The Corner - May 15.

Presented by Punx Productions and Punk-A-Billy touring, tickets to the second annual UP THE PUNX festival (this year at Revolver Upstairs on Chapel Street) are now on sale from the venue, it’s website and Moshtix. Taking place on Saturday March 2, the fully confirmed line up features Topnovil, The Ramshackle Army, Strawberry Fist Cake, Hopes Abandoned, Amphetish, Fatty Esther, The Savages, Aitches, Kmart Warriors and Chickenstones.

Beyond massive! Be there and support your scene!

Another big festival taking place, this time in the US, is the Musink Festival, celebrating tattoo culture and punk rock. Bands taking part include Bad Religion, The Vandals, Guttermouth, Pennywise, Lagwagon, TSOL, Lucero and The Reverend Horton Heat. So 90’s, so good!

It all goes down between March 8 till 10. Damn!

Hopes Abandoned are heading back to Geelong to launch their brand new EP, PUT UP OR SHUT UP, at the Barwon Club on Saturday March 9. Joining them on the night will be Melbourne punk rockers Muscle Mary and Liquor Snatch. Look for the

Facebook Event for more information.

Local rockers Odd have their new EP, Claustrophobic, available for download on iTunes.

It’s awesome, and you should totally check it out!

Despite totally sucking balls and revealing/ adding absolutely nothing to the ongoing storyline, it looks like the movie Paranormal Activity 4 was NOT the end of the franchise, with a fifth instalment pencilled in for a Halloween 2013 release. A Latino offshoot, called The Oxnard Tapes is also on the cards.

Oddly enough, the Oxnard Tapes will be filmed in English, not Spanish. Ole!!!

MySpace phenomenon/emo pop rock posterboys Fall Out Boy are back with a new record AND intend to tour Australia in the very near future.

I really wish they’d stop threatening us.

Blood On The Dance Floor have been unceremoniously dumped from the Soundwave line up.

It has also been revealed that only SIX tickets had been sold to their (now cancelled) Sidewaves.

Oh well!

According to an Esquire article, the Navy SEAL who shot Osama Bin Laden said Metallica’s music was used to “soften people up” before interrogations in the Iraq war. There are a lot of jokes that could be made about this and if you hang out on certain metal sites you would more than likely have seen them.

They’re all pretty crap.

Suffice to say, any type of heavy metal is something strange and scary to Middle Easterners because they’re totes not used to it. Middle Eastern nationals have been known to form metal bands and then have to flee their countries or sell off their instruments out of fear of retribution from the police or governments or militia or whatever.

It’s a big thing that’s too big for this article.

On a lighter note, The Grammy’s just happened. The nominees for ‘Best Hard Rock/Metal’ statue were Anthrax, Halestorm, Iron Maiden, Lamb Of God, Marilyn Manson and Megadeth. Halestorm won with their track ‘Love Bites (So Do I)’.

Have you even heard that song? It’s pretty Triple M if you ask me.

Shadows Fall drummer Jason Bittner took to social media to vent his disapproval about this which caused a small discussion which is fair enough when you consider Iron Maiden being nominated and losing out. Any sort of debate surrounding the relevancy of The Grammys is pretty much a waste of time these days when metal only awards shows organised by international metal

magazines are gaining traction.

In Other News Holy Grail have just released their second full length album, Ride The Void. If you buy it through JB Hi-Fi online then you’ll go into the draw to win a kick-arse guitar, it’s an ESP V-300 valued at $1149!

DragonForce and The Sword will be at Billboard, The Venue on Thursday February 25.

If you’re up for a road trip when why not head to Sydney to see Slayer? They’ll be at the Luna Park Big Top on Monday February 25.

Kyuss Lives!, Orange Goblin and Red Fang will play the Palace on Tuesday February 26.

Scott Ian and Chris Jericho will perform a spoken word performance at The Toff In Town on Wednesday February 27.

Syolisis and Six Feet Under will be appearing at The Corner Hotel on Wednesday February 27.

Vision Of Disorder along with Madball and Sick Of It All will be at The Espy on Wednesday February 27.

Linkin Park and Stone Sour will hold their Sidewave together at Rod Laver Arena on Wednesday February 27.

Melbourne Soundwave on Friday March 1 is sold out, much like a majority of the Sidewave shows around Melbourne.

Tool will play Rod Laver on Saturday April 27.

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beav's bar

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the wool exchange

the wool exchange

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irish murphy's

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city quarter

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home house

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FILM REVIEWS

written by anthony morris

The Last Stand Back when Arnold Schwarzenegger used to make movies on a regular basis, those movies were pretty much all the same: he was a lone wolf, a character who dropped in out of nowhere – if he had family, they were usually just there to die and piss him off – and killed people until the credits rolled. Everyone else was either a chump or a dead chump, and friends were just there to die and make him angry. So it’s a bit of a surprise to discover that The Last Stand – his comeback film after his long stretch as a politician – sees him as a small town sheriff with a squad of deputies that the film actually spends some time getting to know. In fact, despite the extremely basic concept here – a Mexican drug cartel boss (Eduardo Noriega) escapes from FBI custody thanks to his hi-tech gang, then jumps in a stolen supercar with an FBI agent as a hostage and races for the border, with only Arnold’s small town in the way – this takes a surprisingly long time to get up to speed. For every fun moment there’s a slow one: the cartel boss’ escape is fun (it involves a giant magnet) but then we get multiple scenes where FBI chief Forrest Whittaker tries to figure out how to stop the escape, which would be fine in any other movie but this is an Arnold Schwarzenegger film so of course the cartel boss is going to make it to his town. The multiple scenes with the various deputies and the cartel’s boss’ henchmen (including Peter Stormare, toting an 1850’s era revolver) and the car driving superfast all work individually but slow the film down when they come one after the other. Schwarzenegger is playing a slightly different character from the old days too: here he’s old, a little more thoughtful, a little less arrogant and – somewhat surprisingly – actually slightly plausible as a character who thinks before he pulls the trigger. There’s nothing actually wrong with this but it is a less fun character than the murdering asshole he used to be, so for a while there this film could really go either way. And then the last half hour or so is an over-the-top shootout that’s exactly what you want from this kind of film and the day is saved. There’s everything from dramatic last-minute saves to a guy getting shot with a flaregun so the shotgun shells he’s carrying make him explode, and while Arnold isn’t an unstoppable killing machine here (after jumping off a roof with a badguy then shooting him in the head on the way down, it takes him a fair amount of huffing and puffing to get back up again) he does get to do plenty of what you’ve paid to see him do. It’s fun, lightweight, well-made, forgettable stuff, which makes it about as good as any surviving Schwarzenegger fans could have asked for.

The Sweeney The Sweeney is one of those television shows that people have a vague idea of what it’s about despite it being a): 40-odd years since it first went to air, and b): it not really being about all that much. You’ve got Jack Regan, the older tough cop (here played by ray Winstone), his younger, more gung-ho sidekick George Carter (here played by Ben Drew, AKA rapper Plan B), they both speak in cockney accents, drive around fast and arrest criminals via a method that usually involves a fair amount of violence and the line “you’re nicked”. So on one level this big screen version delivers pretty much everything you’re looking forward, with a big more big-screen polish thrown in and a healthy disregard for the fact it’s now 40 years later and The Flying Squad’s method of clobbering bank robbers with sledgehammers might be cause for more concern than just the occasional “this time you’ve gone too far, Regan”. But the surprisingly complex yet never surprising plot – complete with frame-ups, one of our heroes going to prison, an evil gang of European jewel thieves and a shoot-out through the centre of London that’s only really exciting once you realise that hey, that’s the actual centre of London they’re shooting up – is really only secondary to the real point of this film: to portray Ray Winstone as The Hardest Man Alive. Not only does he take no crap from anyone, including his boss (Damian Lewis from Homeland), not only does he run around bashing tough guys half his age, not only does he manage to cuckold another of his superiors by shagging his superior’s missus (Hayley Atwell) who is also a member of his unit and half his age, but we get to see that he wears urine coloured underwear and yet he still manages to do all of the above. In the same way that superheroes are wish-fulfilment for kids, this is pretty much a wish-fulfilment fantasy for 50 year-olds. Everyone else… well, you might get a laugh or two.

FILM WRAP

Lincoln Steven Spielberg’s look at the final few months of Lincoln’s life is surprisingly entertaining (if over-long and uneven) thanks to a charming performance from Daniel Day Lewis as Lincoln and a fun supporting cast of schemers and scoundrels.

Hansel & Gretel They’re all grown up, they’re fighting monsters, and they’re wasting your time because this garbled action film is one big unfunny mess.

Flight Denzel Washington is a pilot who likes booze, drugs and women just a little too much. Maybe the drugs were what enabled him to save his flight when something went wrong; what follows is a sober look at a man’s journey to getting dry.

Silver Lining Playbook

Anna Karenina It’s the 19th Century – actually, no it’s not; director Joe Wright (Hanna, Atonement) has taken the classic Russian novel and, while leaving the characters and settings largely intact, decided to set long stretches of it on an (impossible) theatrical stage. When the location changes, the camera doesn’t cut; instead it swoops and dives while one set is removed and another replaces it. For a while it’s impressive, then you don’t notice it, then Wright occasionally moves out into the world and the point of it all is lost. If you’re not already familiar with Leo Tolstoy’s novel or the numerous film versions, it’s pretty easy to get lost early on here. Wright’s swirling camerawork and emphasis on sets rather than story makes the opening scene-setting a bit of a blur, but eventually things settle down enough to get a grasp on what’s going on: it’s the 1870s, and Anna Karenina (Keria Knightly), the wife of serious but highly-respected Russian bureaucrat Alexi (Jude Law), comes to Moscow to visit her sister-in-law Dolly (Kelly MacDonald) and try to defend her brother Oblonsky (Matthew MacFadyen), who’s been cheating on Dolly with the nanny. Dolly’s younger sister Kitty (Alicia Vikander) is all excited about an upcoming ball, where she hopes the dashing cavalry officer Count Vronsky (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) will propose to her, much to the disappointment of her other suitor, landowner Konstantin (Domhnall Gleeson). Bad news: Vronsky only has eyes for Anna – and soon enough, despite her husband and child, she only has eyes for him. Trouble is, after the whirlwind of the early scene-setting scenes, the film fizzles out visually just when the story requires more on-screen flair. It doesn’t help that TaylorJohnson plays Vronsky as more stuffed shirt than man. It’s completely plausible that Anna would fall for a handsome bubble-head, but it does cut us off from what she’s feeling; if we can’t see what she sees in him, how can we sympathise with what she feels for him? And without that, the rest of this pretty but empty film just slides on by.

Safe Haven Novelist Nicolas Sparks made his name writing by-the-numbers tear-jerkers like The Notebook and Dear John (and a decade earlier, Message in a Bottle), so we all know what to expect here: Katie (Julianne Hough) is on the run after something that seems to have involved a knife and a fair amount of blood, jumping on a bus one step ahead of the police – specifically one officer Tierney (Australia’s own David Lyons) – and staying on it until she jumps off at random at the small coastal town of Southport, North Carolina. Despite having nothing with her but a shopping bag with a change of clothes, she only spends one night sleeping under a bridge before she finds herself a waitressing job at a local café. From there she soon has enough money to – well, you’d assume she’s renting but the real-estate agent describes it as “a real fixer-upper” which isn’t usually how you sell rental properties so maybe she buys it – get herself a shack in the woods where her only neighbour is a woman (Cobie Smulders) who seems just as isolated as she is. But this being a Nicolas Sparks story, it doesn’t take long before Katie and local store owner-slash-handsome widower Alex (Josh Duhamel) are getting friendly. He gives her a bike, she goes with him and his kids (happy daughter, sulky son) to the beach, it’s happily families all round. But back in Boston, Tierney isn’t going to let her get away… Despite a twist ending that would sound like a joke if it was revealed here (but which actually fits in with the kind of stories Sparks likes to tell if you think about it), and at least one other “shock” revelation, this is a surprise-free tale that pretty much runs on rails towards a conclusion you can see coming from the poster outside the cinema. Presumably those twists are an attempt to freshen the formula up, but you wonder why they bothered when everything else – the bland protagonists, the small town setting, the dramatic rainstorm – is the same old same old. Still, if you’ve enjoyed the previous doses of same old same old then this competently made confection will go down just as smoothly. And if you haven’t, there’s very little chance you need this review to tell you to give it a miss.

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A film of two halves, the first is a fairly decent clear-eyed look at the upheaval caused by the return of a family’s bipolar son (Bradley Cooper) while the second is a traditional Hollywood feel-good tale about winning love by winning a dance contest.

Movie 43 A sketch comedy film where the biggest joke is that they got reasonably well-known actors to appear in it, this extremely hitand-miss film will work just as well on DVD. And even better if you don’t bother at all.

Django Unchained Quentin Tarantino’s latest film sets his talky characters in the Wild West then the Deep South for a tale of a slave’s vengeance against the plantation owner who owns his wife. Blood gushes and the language is salty, but Tarantino never fails to entertain.

The Impossible This real-life tale of a family’s struggle for survival during the Boxing Day tsunami is pretty gruelling stuff, but never quite tugs at the heart strings the way it so clearly wants to.

Zero Dark Thirty The eight year hunt for Osama Bin Laden is brought to grim, compelling life in this how-we-got-him procedural that’s thankfully stripped of the slightest trace of jingoism.

Life of Pi While shipping an Indian zoo to Canada the cargo ship sinks in a storm, leaving an Indian teenager and a tiger sharing a lifeboat. As you might expect, they don’t have a whole lot in common.

Les Miserables Do you like Broadway musicals? No? Don’t see this. Yes? Then maybe see this, though a lot does depend on whether you can cope with the singing of (an actually pretty good) Russell Crowe.

POrPe! cultu

By An th on

y M or ri s

Today is not a good day to be a Shaun Micallef fan. Actually, that depends: if you’re reading this on a Wednesday then yes, it’s not a good day to be a Micallef fan because for reasons we’re about to go into, Micallef has somehow managed to have two television shows starring himself on air on different networks at the exact same time: 8.30pm. On Ten we have his new lightweight murder mystery series Mr & Mrs Murder, in which he and Kat Stewart play a married couple who make a living from cleaning up murder scenes and just happen to solve the murders in their spare time; on the ABC we have the return of Micallef’s news / sketch show Mad as Hell, in which he hosts a fake news show that’s really just an excuse for the kind of sketch comedy he’s been doing since The Micallef P(r)ogram(me) back in the late 1990s. Micallef is the kind of performer who has a devoted fanbase who’ll watch him in just about anything, and Australian television is on the air all day every day: why divide his fanbase by putting two shows starring him on at the exact same time? Yes, Mad as Hell is going to be repeated the next day on ABC2; yes, if these shows didn’t both star Shaun Micallef most people wouldn’t see them as clashing with each other in any real way. One’s a flat-out comedy, the other is a fairly gentle murder mystery series.

But they both star Micallef, so why split his (presumably large – the man has managed to get television series up and running on two separate networks) fanbase? It basically boils down to this: while Australian television is on the air all day every day, there are only a limited amount of timeslots that are actually “in play” where a network can improve their

ratings. For example, Seven currently owns Tuesday nights thanks to Packed to the Rafters and Winners & Losers; Nine owns Thursday nights thanks to the Footy Show. Monday night is a night everyone wants, hence all the big guns come out; Friday night is a night no-one really cares about because whoever has the sport usually does okay then. And for quite a while the ABC owned Wednesday nights thanks to their comedy line-up anchored by Spicks & Specks, which was pulling in over a million viewers for a while there. But, as the ABC knows all too well, Spicks & Specks is no more (which is why they’re bringing it back this year), and Ten, sensing a weakness, has been screening their quality series – your Offsprings and your Puberty Blues, not to mention Micallef’s own Talkin’ ‘bout Your Generation – on Wednesday nights ever since. So Micallef is basically the victim of a turf war, as both networks battle to claim Wednesday evenings as their own.

As usual with Australian television, the losers are the viewers: no-one in their right mind thinks we have so much quality local product on our screens that we can afford to be pitting them against each other.

Mindful Obese Records One of the more talented artists on the Australian hip-hop scene, Skryptcha is back with his third LP, Mindful. Since his last release, Skryptcha has travelled, and completed his journalism degree, and as a result, this album has a more mature sound than his previous releases. ‘Graduation’ is the opening track, featuring vocals from up-and-coming Rachael Berry, a Melbourne r’n’b and soul singer, not to be confused with the Glee character of the same name. She also lends her considerable talents to ‘I’m Good’, one of the later tracks. Skryptcha’s brand of hip hop has more in common with American hip hop and r’n’b artists than his countrymen. He still has the fundamental Australian hip hop sound and lyrical style, but some of his tracks just have a more epic feel to them. The highlight of the record would have to be the final track, featuring Joyride and my personal favourite hip hop artist, Illy. A definite must-buy for any hip hop fan, and even if you’re not, you should consider it. The Australian hip hop scene is growing by the day, even the artists can’t believe the explosion. You should get on the bandwagon as early as possible, you’re already too late to say you liked it before it was cool. BY CAMERON BROGDEN

Solange Terrible Records Sunlounge Knowles, sister to Beyonce but let’s not mention that ever, serves up a kaleidoscope of surprises on this magnificent extended-play venture. It’s hard to narrow down ‘the best moments’ from something as blissful as this, but you really can’t go past first single, the haunting ‘Losing You’, a song that not only snatches Beyonce’s over-bleached skin-weave but then goes to use the CD inlays from unsold copies of ‘4’ to wipe the floor with. ‘Some Things Never Seem To Fucking Work’ is a more aware mid-to-late 1980 Œs Clive Davis dream – and that middle-8! That rap! ‘Locked In Closets’ seems to be an incredibly classy way of bringing soul and melody back to urban-pop – this is some Montell realness right here. ‘Lovers In The Parking Lot’ is almost completely amazing and is only let down by its distractingly repetitive chorus, but all is forgiven pretty quickly with the mind-blowing triple-threat finale of ‘Don’t Let Me Down’, ‘Look Good With Trouble’ and the ‘Verdine Version’ of ‘Bad Girls’, which just so happens to be the sexiest Solange has sounded on record. The E.P. does a really great job of encapsulating that jack-house sound Madonna took from the underground and brought into the mainstream with the Erotica L.P. whilst still offering something insanely fresh and vibrant.

The E.P. is a sign of things to come and was produced by Dev Hynes, who is currently working with Solange on her upcoming feature-length album, due later this year. BY ADEM ALI

Fatboy Slim Big Beach Bootique 5 Inertia Records He’s has been in the soundtrack of all of our lives with tunes such as ‘The Rockafeller Skank’, ‘Weapon of Choice’ and ‘Praise You’, and now he is back with a new live collection of tracks filmed in his hometown of Brighton, England last year. Combined together with a live DVD, these tracks create the most ambitious live release yet for Norman Cook aka. Fatboy Slim (FBS).

The evolution of this Big Beach Bootique started in Brighton Beach in 2001 and has evolved ever since then most notably with the 350,000 beach party show in Brazil as the 2nd Beach Bootique. This time around, Cook chose to trade the beach for the newly built Amex football stadium and combined with a 600 square metre LED video wall, pyrotechnics, laser and lighting effects, this is one hell of a show! From watching just ten minutes of the DVD, you can see why FBS has become one of the biggest names in the DJ world, even though it begins to rain in the early part of his set, that doesn’t seem to ruin the spirits of the 40,000 plus strong crowd. Featuring the hits including ‘The Weekend Starts Here’ and ‘Praise You’, the show Cook puts on is simply astounding and I have no other words to describe it, so put this on and boogie down! BY TEX MILLER

>>>>>> By Cameron Urquhart & Alastair McGibbon

Cameron: Firstly I have to take issue with some things Al said above, 1) The Daredevil film with Ben Affleck is awesome, 2) Hawkeye would and has kicked Green Arrows ass, especially if we’re talking about being an actual quality read. Now onto things I was going to say. Joe R. Lansdale once wrote a story about an old age Elvis and a black JFK fighting off a Southern mummy in a retirement home, and that wasn’t even the best thing he wrote. The Drive-In is the first book in a trilogy of bloody and hilarious apocalyptic mayhem. While attending a screening of some

Skryptcha

True

PULP. Alastair: I have a confession to make: I’m something of a DC fanboy. I realised that this may lead to bias in certain situations whilst writing PULP (FYI – there is no way in hell that Hawkeye could beat Green Arrow in a fight), so I recently decided to pick up a few Marvel titles to remedy this deficiency.

I had a look at a few older series, and somehow ended up with 50+ digital issues of Ultimate Spider-Man. So, as it turns out, I really, really like the webhead. Anyway, Cameron recommended I pick up the latest run of Deadpool, so I bought the first few issues, along with the first few issues of Mark Waid’s new Daredevil series. I’d seen a few Deadpool comics previously, and got a good chuckle out of them. The new series, however, had me laughing hysterically. Long story short: some schmuck thinks that America is screwed due to a lack of good leadership.

So, being the thoughtful necromancer that he is, he resurrects all of America’s dead presidents. Yup, even Lincoln. SHIELD then has to hire the Merc With A Mouth to put them all down again. If you’re looking for a comic that’ll give you a chuckle as well as some gory action, the new Deadpool run comes highly recommended. I’ve really taken to Daredevil as well – 2003 movie notwithstanding, Daredevil is an awesome character, and writer Mark Waid has done a fantastic job.

Needless to say, I can’t wait for more.

MUSIC REVIEWS

Rainy Day Women Friends Firestarter

deadpool #3: deadpool vs. richard niixon!

daredevil [2013]

of history’s greatest films (The Evil Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, etc.) Jack and his friends have their lives changed forever when a comet with a smile eats the rest of the world, leaving only the drive in and its occupants alive. It’s not long before people start going crazy, killing each other, eating raw babies or fusing together due to a lightning strike and becoming a monster king who vomits popcorn and… well… that last bit sort of sums up how crazy it gets. Some of Lansdale’s short stories are hilarious, like the previously mentioned Elvis caper Bubba Ho-Tep (be sure to check the film of the same name by Don Coscarelli) while others like Incident On and Off a Mountain Road are super creepy and full of monsters, this book proves he can do both at the same time.

Seriously though, Hawkeye would kick Green Arrow’s ass so hard.

For a band named after a Bob Dylan song, Perth four-piece Rainy Day Women sound remarkably like the Beach Boys. Their second EP, Friends is a solid indie release, with a sixties feel. Lead single, ‘Runaway’ has a lovely harmony to it, and the guitar sound is pleasant, it doesn’t take too much away from the vocal. The title track is fantastic, it’s a pure indie pop song, without sounding like another Vampire Weekend clone, that Beach Boys vibe I mentioned earlier is far more dominant, at least in the vocals. ‘Friends’ is wonderfully summery, and on first listen is probably the highlight of the record. The whole EP seems to be about a relationship with a girl, who just wants to be, as the title suggests, friends. As such, the lesser tracks on the record, such as ‘Control’ just seems to be covering the same ground as the first two. ‘Strangers’ adds a great slightly distorted sound to the vocals, making them sound more ‘rock’, before the guitars and keys join in to create this great pop sound. ‘My Poor Mind’ starts out sounding like Fleetwood Mac of all bands, but once the intro is over, it’s just back to a pretty standard indie sound, reminiscent of The Kooks. Worth picking up, especially if you buy it when they play in Melbourne next month. BY CAMERON BROGDEN

live review

Thee Oh Sees The Barwon CluB, GEELONG February 6 When I walked into the Barwon Club on February 6 I could literally feel the excitement.

The venue, usually sporting a few tradesmen enjoying some post-knockoff beers was milling with many a young music enthusiasts. Following a 4 year long tradition, San Fransisco’s garage rocker’s showed up to once again tear Geelong a new one. Due to the recent unfortunate closing of The Nash this year’s show was to take place at the musically rejuvenated Barwon Club. The Infants took the stage first, Blaise Adamson’s screech and holler approach to the vocal portion of her band’s set provided an appropriate ear warmer, which everyone definitely needed. This was going to be a loud one. Next up were Barwon Heads/Ocean Grove rockers, The Murlocs. These guys have been

killing it recently, winning awards and hearts all over the place, they always put on a damn fine show. Lead singer and local heart-throb Ambrose Kenny-Smith took the stage despite having blacked out and smacked his head pretty damn hard only moments before (sorry I didn’t catch you, Ambrose). A mild concussion didn’t slow The Murlocs down one bit; they swayed and howled all over the stage bringing to the tipping point. It didn’t take much effort from Thee Oh Sees to help the crowd past that point. As soon as the first chords of ‘The Dream’ exploded from John Dwyer’s amp the crowd rose up into a cacophony of beer, bodies and bruises. The writhing mass didn’t slow for the entire set, only stopping to listen as John informed them they would not be leaving the stage for the encore because “You guys don’t really do the bullshit of normal shows”.

Once again Thee Oh Sees destroyed Geelong and I sincerely hope they come back and do it again next year. By Xavier Fennell

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grogwatch Like most wankers, I went to university, and like most university-educated wankers I studied arts. That’s not because arts is the most useless degree - far from it, as all university degrees and education in general is completely useless so you might as well spend your time on the one that gives you the most time to do bugger all. I studied arts because not only did I like to read, but I liked to read the kind of crap wanker books you study doing an arts degree.

You know the ones I mean - “classics” that no-one under fifty reads of their own free will and everyone over fifty only reads because they can feel death looming overhead and figure they better get around to reading some of the “classics” you’re supposed to read before they (depending on their beliefs) either become worm food or ascend to heaven where they have no books whatsoever. It’s true? Does anyone ever say anything about there being a decent newsagent or well-stocked library in Heaven? Nu-uh. So it only makes sense to read as many of the “classics” as you can while you’re down here so you can at least go over them in your mind for the rest of forever. But to be honest, when I went to university I actually liked to read two kinds of books: serious smart-arse “classic” novels like Moby Dick, and ones where killer slime came out of bathroom showers and attacked the super-hot lesbian who was having a shower at the time. Ahh, Shaun Hutson, author of such classics as Slugs (killer slugs kill people), Erebus (people eat bad meat, go mental, kill each other) and Spawn (which I think was the one where the abortions came back to life and kill people). Actually, speaking of abortions - as I so often am - how’s this for a movie idea: a bunch of radical extremist violent anti- abortionists find / build a time machine and then tell the local abortionist they’re going to go back in time to abort

When is the right time to say goodbye?

him and see how he likes it. Which they do, he vanishes and they return to the present day - only to find society over-run by the hideous monsters and violent hate-filled psychos (“I didn’t ask to be born”) that their actions have unleashed! So then they have to go back in time to try and stop themselves from carrying out their original plan, wacky hijinks ensue. I’m thinking of calling it Who Aborts the Abortionist, please contact me about movie rights c/o Forte.

Anyway, being a tool, I thought that the “classics” were somehow “better” than the books I was enjoying reading simply because they had insights into the human condition and all that crap. Shaun Hutson’s books had insight into the human condition as well - sure, most of those insights involved hot chicks getting naked or farmers having their faces eaten by slugs, but that’s at least as relevant to daily life as Moby Dick, which despite being a top book can still be basically summarised as “you gotta know when to quit”. But as the years passed and I gradually realised that while I had plenty of books that were good for me around the place I was only reading the ones that were fun, I realised the great truth of all art: if it’s boring, it aint’ no damn good. Doesn’t matter what it is, doesn’t matter what reading (or listening, or watching) it is supposed to do for you: if it’s boring, it ain’t no damn good. Which is why I’m here today to let you know of the existence of what is without a doubt the best book every written by anything about anything: Steven Wells’ one and only novel Tits-Out Teenage Terror Totty. “But Tony,” you say, “that’s pretty high praise right there and sure, that title does seem to suggest a book that isn’t messing about - but surely it’s not going to be better than the countless other trash classics you’ve mentioned here over the years?

How could it top the barely literate vigilante novel Gannon: Blood for Breakfast? The balls-out Cold War insanity of TNT: The Beast?

All those countless mental survivalist novels you banged on about here up to and including the amazingly hateful and anti-semitic tract The

Well kids, I’m sad to say this will be my last ‘What The Eff’ column for the forseeable future.

I would love to say that it’s because I’m at peace with the world and no longer have complaints to vent about in 250 words or less, but that just ain’t true.

On reflection, I think this column has served it’s purpose. It’s given me the opportunity to delve into many topics which irk me or make me laugh, and while I’ll always find these things in day to day life, it’s time to farewell this humble little space.

It’s been a fun journey. I never thought I would get the chance to dedicate a patch of paper space to the my often, mumbled and

Turner Diaries, AKA the book that inspired the Oklahoma City bombing? Sorry, but you’re going to have to cough up some pretty serious evidence before we believe that this book awesomely titled though it is - is better than Richard Allen’s classic tale of urban alienation Skinhead Escapes.”

You make a good point. Fortunately for me, this entire novel is full of better points - points it repeatedly rams through the readers forehead while shouting things like “RESULT!” and “FACT!” and “OFFICIAL!” because not only is this book - a book that proudly says on the front cover “Fucking Brilliant - Irvine Welsh” (yeah, he’s the guy who wrote Trainspotting) and on the back “A bigger body-count than The Bible - Official!” - jam-packed with insane violence that’s so amazingly over the top that it’s pretty much impossible to read more than three or four pages at a time, but after the violence there’s often a nice little summing-up of the carnage like “respect” or “sorted” or various swearwords.

But what’s it all about, Alfie? Ahh, that’s where it gets good: unlike your average pulp violence novel that has to occasionally slow down to set the scene or establish a character before ramping up the thuggery, this just keeps on ranting on through a pretty much endless series of scenes of insane violence - often involving perverted Tory police, dirty hippies and sleazy music industry types being violently killed over and over again – without bothering with most of the boring stuff that slows your regular novels down. The plot involves a bunch of sexy mutant super terrorists getting a bunch of cool weapons and using them to kill pretty much everyone who’s crap, often through the use of black magick, while various evil forces pop up then get blown up then get stuck in a time warp so they can get killed a billion more times, and then God turns up only he’s a complete nuttah and a bunch of space aliens driven violently insane by punk music head towards Earth to blow it up for not worshipping the lead singer of The Exploited and there’s a bunch of sex robots and heaps of hippies get run over with giant supernatural combine harvesters and by the time you get to the line “this IS the future - a neverending summer of HATE!” (only “hate!” is printed about ten times bigger than all the other words on the page and gets a line all to itself) all this seems pretty much normal. Oh, and everyone is on drugs all the time. And it opens with Lady Di being reanimated as some kind of chainsaw wielding killer robot monster thing who

obscure thought process.

Like the time I wrote a whole column about the C word, before it was banned from the Forte dictionary, those were the good ole days.

A lot has happened in my life since I started this column about two years ago, all of these experiences have helped me find topics to write about.

Like the time an ex broke up with me in a text message, or the time I was angry about the existence of Reece Mastin, or the time I wanted to spoon feed Campbells soup to Matt Preston.

But alas, it’s time to move on.

promptly gets blown up after butchering a bunch of paparazzi, only to be immediately brought back to life again so the British public can cry themselves silly over her tragic demise yet again - and again as she’s promptly killed off over and over in a variety of increasingly complicated and upsetting ways.

Basically the whole thing is an excuse for the now deceased Wells - a one time music writer for the NME back when it was interesting- to hate on stuff he hates, which is great because mostly he hates things that are crap including pretentious no- fun music and super-serious vegetarians and who doesn’t want to see that stuff blow up?

Even more importantly, Wells is an honestto-whatever good writer, so while in lesser hands all this violence and drug abuse and sex and whathaveyou would just be one big garbled mess, he actually knows how to – well, “pace” isn’t exactly the right word for a book that goes balls to the wall from word one – orchestrate the goings-on so they actually seem to be going somewhere, even if that somewhere is down the drain.

He’s full of contempt for a lot of stuff, but his contempt is totally justified because pretty much everything he hates is crap and while its’ being 14 or so years old means that some of the references are a bit out of date and some of the anger seems a bit skewwiff – who gives a toss either way about Diana these days – the sense of outrage (and the demand that things in general be more insane and fun) is the kind of thing that will never get old. The bad news here is, not only is this Wells’ only novel but it’s been out of print since 1999 and with Wells’ death in 2010 this already expensive collectors item has pretty much become worth its weight in gold. Which sucks, but not as much as you might think because even at the current super-inflated internet prices it’s totally worth every cent - FACT! Tony “Where’s my seat on that bogstaggeringly crap ABC First Tuesday Book Club show?” Montana

I don’t usually do this but if you would like to continue reading my ramblings feel free to follow me on Twitter @steph_z2. I’m a private account but will most likely allow you into my world if you don’t look like a stalker.

So thanks to those of you who read my column (queue the violins!), please continue to read the wonderful work of the Forte contibuters because, they are awesome.

Peace Steph

what the eff?

By Steph

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