Feature

Going, Going….. Gong

© LUCIA FOSTER-FOUND 2022 WWW.LUCIAFOSTERFOUND.COM

“Who’ll give me fifty pounds? Twenty pounds then, surely. Thank-you sir. Twenty, twenty two… Oh wait, fifty pounds now on the internet, sixty, seventy – fighting it out - eighty-five pounds, are we all done at eighty-fiiiyve? Going once. Twice.” Bang, the gavel went down. Disgruntled mutterings behind her; “There were better bargains at auctions before they went online and on the telly.” She turned around to see who was talking and the hem of her coat swept a small ornament onto the floor. In the poorly timed lull of background chatter, the tinkle of breaking porcelain was huge. The auctioneer drily commented “Madam, the idea is to buy things, not break things” to the general amusement of all. “So sorry!” Scarlet-faced and apologetic, she scrambled to pick up the pieces, grovelling around the feet of onlookers and under tables. Mortifying. She’d been worried that by scratching her nose or touching an earlobe she’d inadvertently bid on something hideously expensive. Or worse, something expensive and hideous. But this was more dreadful. And the coat, which was to blame, was not even warm enough for the auction room’s chill. Slinking off to the back, she tried to look inconspicuous. Eventually it was over and Himself came and found her. Shivering, she moaned “It’s like a meat locker in here, albeit somewhat bizarrely furnished. Freezing. No one mentions that on Antiques Road Trip. I think I‘m mildly hypothermic and… ” “And very grumpy.” Chuckling, he cut her off mid moan, “Don’t worry, Darling, we’ll be going, going, gone, ha ha, in a moment.” At home, she cheered up, warmed up and dished lunch up, whilst Himself pored over his wins. “Didn’t know this was in here. I bought the lot for the postcard albums.” Delving into a box he produced a brass dinner gong and struck it with the little mallet. BONGBONGBONG!! “Very ‘luncheon is served m’lord’. What fun!” “My mother could have done with that. Dad vanished every time his meal appeared on the table. ‘Where’s that man!’ she’d say. Drove her nuts.” “Well, we don’t need it.” Himself said airily “Also it seems we have acquired a bread maker along with the strimmer that I was really after. Wonder what happened to the one we had. I do love freshly baked bread.” They both loved freshly baked bread. Almost as much as freshly baked bread loved their love handles.. Should she confess that, some time back, she’d managed to offload the breadmaker; going, going, gone.. to a charity shop? But Himself was fondly recollecting “Remember that sun-dried tomato loaf you left to cool on the worktop? Disappeared. We had to feel each of the dog’s tummies to find out who’d pinched it.” “I do. It was the Labrador. Well it would be. Not so much as a crumb left as evidence. Who was it said Labradors were an intelligent stomach on four legs?” She finished plating up the meal and turned to ask. The room was empty. Just as the meal was served, Himself had gone. No going, going… Simply gone. She called out “Darling?” Unbelievable. “Where’s that man!” She caught her reflection in the kitchen window and sighed. “Mirror mirror on the wall, I’ve become my mother after all.” But as she moved to go find him, she tripped over the dogs milling around her feet. The room? Not as empty as she’d thought… “So, do I risk leaving you two alone in here? Mmnn..” The spaniels looked up at her and wagged their tails in encouragement. “To be fair, you’re not the criminal mastermind the Labrador was.” One gave a little ‘parp’ and sniffed its own bottom in surprise, as if to prove the point. “And not as tall, although those telescopic necks of yours - useful for assailing the not-so-dizzy heights of the worktop.” Shaking her head suspiciously at them, they looked in another direction, feigning innocence. “And you’d be oh-so-sorry once the red mist had lifted and all that was left were empty plates.” Furtively, they gave each other a guilty sideways glance. “Aha! That’s what I thought.” She stroked the spaniels’ silky heads and had an inspired idea. Rummaging in the auction box, she took out the dusty item. BONGBONGBONG!! “Luncheon is served m’lord! Come and get it before it’s going, going, gone… to the dogs.”