FROM SILENCINGTO UPLIFTTING THE SURVIVOR’S VOICE A Nonviolent Approach to Promoting Safety, Healing, and Advocacy for Women and Survivors of Sexual Violence
By Nikole Lim and Jean Nangwala
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The purpose of this guide is to facilitate a series of healing conversations between survivors of sexual violence and advocates for survivors. We hope that you will use this guide to curate conversations among leadership and members to provide a shared understanding of the survivor’s experience and stronger protection policies within your church, organization, or community.
• Support leaders to build a community that promotes safety, healing, and advocacy for survivors and women; and
• Provide a faith-based framework to prevent sexual violence in a community;
• Encourage systems and practices that ensure holistic support for survivors and women.
THIS GUIDE AIMS TO TABLEINTRODUCTIONOFCONTENTS BELIEVE SURVIVORS LISTENESTABLISHEMPATHETICALLYUNLEARNABUSESAFETYSPEAKOUT
Those who journey through this guide must be intent on building a community that supports the voices of survivors while working to dismantle the ways in which organizations have caused violence, harm, and betrayal. Our hope is that, through 5 conversations, you will learn to promote safety, conversations, you will learn to promote safety, healing, and advocacy for survivors of sexual violence and women in your community. While this guide is written from the perspective of female survivors, we also hope it speaks to the experience of all survivors. The conversations are meant to be inclusive with leaders and members of diverse genders and sexualities to gain newfound perspectives on the issue of sexual violence in your specific community context. This guide will help center and empower the survivors’ voices so that everyone in the room can learn from their experiences and respond with compassionate action. Through the story of the woman caught in adultery in John 8:2-11, we will explore the ways Jesus dismantles systems of violence to create a safe space for the woman. Through the following 5 steps, each of which is covered in one gathering, we will embark on a journey of learning to support survivors of sexual violence in our community.
We recommend having one advocate and one survivor in your community as co-facilitators. As you work together to share leadership roles, establish a location that feels welcoming, safe, neutral, and private. Whether a church, a community center, a private home, or a park, the location should be a place that encourages non-judgmental conversation. If you are able, we recommend having a trauma-informed counselor at your gathering to provide further support.
and examples for the
As participants arrive for each gathering, play upbeat music from our playlist or choose your own music that fosters inclusion, safety, and mutuality. You can begin each session by asking: What stood out to you in the previous session? Was there something said that challenged or inspired you? What is something new you experienced since our last gathering?
references are from the New International Version. • White boards or flip charts • Colored markers • Speakers • Playlist with
music RECOMMENDATIONS FOR GATHERING KEY FOR MEETING GUIDES FACILITATION TOOLS
• All sections are meant to be read aloud so participants can journey alongside each other. Ask participants to volunteer reading before the gathering begins. Ensure that co-facilitators alternate leadership to diversify the primary voice in the room. Sections in italics provide instructions facilitators. Bible upbeat
Position seats in a circle so everyone’s bodies and faces are equally seen. Beforehand, prepare a list of local resources, such as therapists, legal assistance, or advocacy organizations, if participants want additional support. If your community can fund therapy or other resources for survivors, make this known.
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Step 1:
SURVIVORSBELIEVE
• We will respect our diverse and unique perspectives.
• We will share our stories with honesty.
At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.
REFLECT Jesus chose not to confirm the accusations against this woman, even at the pressure of an angry crowd of men. The woman was called out and shamed for something that was viewed as a crime. The consequence of this, according to the angry crowd of men, was death. However, the man she allegedly had the affair with was not accused--only the woman. How often do we blame women, and women only, for crimes they did not commit? This woman could have been forced into prostitution, trafficked, hired, or at a socioeconomic disadvantage. Perhaps this relationship was the only way she could feed her family. Perhaps she was suffering from abuse elsewhere. Perhaps she was coerced. The present culture denied her power to share her perspective as a woman. Yet even without hearing her side of the story, Jesus chose to side with her. Jesus showed his belief in her by seeing her innate dignity among the escalating violent abuse that surrounded her. He did not condemn her. Neither did he indulge the accusers by straddling two sides of the story. He drew his own response, advocating for her in this life-threatening situation.
The intention of this first gathering is to create a safe space to learn from the voices of survivors in our community. Let’s share our names and our intention for being a part of this conversation. What brought you to this space today? On a white board, ask participants to share values for maintaining this space.These will be the guiding values throughout our 5 sessions together. Ideas include:
• We will refrain from responding with judgment or condemnation.
• We will keep what’s said here confidential.
8:2-6
SHAREREADJOHN
PRAYDISCUSS
To close, read this prayer together or with each person taking one line. We come together with the intentions to listen to one another, To see life from each other’s perspective, To stand and walk with survivors. We understand that standing in someone’s shoes is Wehard.may be blinded by our own agenda and our own worldview. We pray that, just as Jesus did not condemn the woman, We will listen without condemnation, We will believe survivors, We will listen to understand and not rush to react, We will listen to offer adequate support, We will protect survivors from the shame and blame that the world imposes on them. We confidently stand together to provide a safe space and embark on this journey together.
What response did you receive when you shared your story for the first time? How did you know that people believed your story? Write down the responses on the board and notice any similarities or differences. As we begin our journey together, here are three stances to confirm our belief in survivors. Let’s say them together.
• We believe that the church can be a better advocate for survivors.
• We believe that shame is not for the survivor to carry.
In our next session, survivors are invited to anonymously bring letters to the community. These letters can share a story of an abusive and unsafe experience as women or as survivors.
• We believe the survivor’s story.
Step 2: EMPATHETICALLYLISTEN
What was that experience like? Whoever brought a letter can share it themselves. Or the letter can be placed in the center for someone else to read to protect the writer’s identity. As we read each letter aloud, let’s continue to practice being present to one another with empathy. After each letter has been read, let’s sit in silence for an extra two minutes to allow the words, feelings, and reflections to sink Thosein.who read their letter can share: How did you feel? Did you feel like you were supported in a safe space as you shared?
Psychologist Arthur Aron discovered that looking into each other’s eyes for four minutes can bring people closer. In this practice, we will share empathy through our presence. Break up into pairs and look into each other’s eyes for four minutes in silence. Set the timer.
DISCUSSREADEXERCISESHARE
For those who listened: What did it feel like for you? Did you have an urge to respond? For everyone: What did you learn from these letters?
When survivors share their stories, advocates often look for the right response instead of listening with empathy. But listening with a compassionate presence is often the best way to respond and allow the survivor to be heard. There are many ways survivors might want to express their pain, but we do not give them the chance to. Sharing in the survivor’s stories through tears, through words, or through presence are all ways of building empathy. Simply listening in silence can help survivors feel safe in our presence.
MOVE CONTEMPLATE
Listen to an upbeat song and allow space for people to move, dance, laugh, or stretch. We recommend one of these songs from our playlist! A survivor can volunteer to read this letter for advocates.
Dear Behindadvocate,theclosed doors, I wait. I wait to be heard and seen, Seen by someone willing to sit in this pain with me, Not try to make it better, but to ensure that I am not alone. You think it is okay to call me victim, yet that makes me feel like a helpless soul. You think I was unable to stand up for myself, Yet you fail to see that my trust was manipulated and power was used to abuse Instead,me.see me as Jesus does: strong and Thatcapable.inthemidst of all the chaos, I can stand my ground, That when my feet are ready to move, Your hand beside me will help me up, Affirm my steps, and dust off the Listenshame.to me, And I will open the doors to my heart and start to experience life again— A life without shame, A life without blame, A life with justice, A life where I am shown empathy. A life that is not helpless but hopeful.
Step 3: UNLEARN ABUSE
Jesus undid the violence that the angry mob of men directed toward the woman. The angry mob came to condemn, publicly humiliate, blame, shame, and decide the outcome of her life by taking it away. They drowned out her voice, not allowing her to share her story. They spoke for her instead. How often are we quick to cast stones of condemnation?
Imagine we are sharing a leg as a metaphor for our advocacy for survivors. We’ll begin our session with a three-legged race! As an advocate for survivors, it requires us to move in tandem with the survivor, to run at their pace, and even to fall with them and get up again. This is not a competition, but it shows that all of us are moving forward, even if at different paces. Our goal is to reach the finish line together. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no-one condemned you?”
Instead of appeasing the crowd, Jesus turned his attention to the woman. In his silence, he provided a safe space for her. He waited with her, standing with her as her advocate. As everyone dispersed, he turned to the woman. He engaged in conversation, recognizing her humanity as a woman, and provided space for her to speak. When survivors come to you, you might be their only hope in that moment. Because of the shame they’ve experienced, survivors are often looking for someone to believe their story, provide a healing space, fight with them, advocate for them, and stand with them. Jesus was the last person standing with her.
READEXERCISEJOHN
8:7-10 REFLECT
Community: The shame is not yours to carry, and we apologize for the hurt you’ve experienced.
On the other side of the line, write a response that would be healing and helpful for the survivor. Again, participants can come forward to write and explain their solutions. A survivor can volunteer to read the survivor’s part. The rest of the community should respond and read the parts in bold.
Community: We will commit to uplifting your voice. We will choose justice in how we live, lead, and love.
In the letters we read in the last session, what were some of the abuses that came up? On a white board, draw a line down the center. On the left side, we’ll list the abuses. Ask participants to come forward to write and explain their thoughts.
Community: We will listen--not to pity with humiliation, but to understand with empathy. Survivor: Will you unlearn the abusive patterns of our world?
In the letters we read in the last session, What are helpful responses to each abuse?
Survivor: Dear God, I have trusted your place of worship, yet I got hurt in this space that was meant to be safe.
Survivor: God, you have created us all equal in your image, yet I feel that I am less than the culture that oppresses me.
Survivor: When I speak up, will you believe me?
Community: We believe you. We stand by you. Survivor: Will you listen with empathy?
Community: We will work to unlearn abuse and seek to restore our community as God intended. We are committed to justice.
Survivor: I hide with shame, unable to comprehend how this could have happened to me.
Community: We will make it a safe space so that you can trust again.
DISCUSSCONTEMPLATE
SAFETYESTABLISH
Step 4:
READSHAREJOHN
Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. Jesus established safety for the woman by creating a space for her without condemnation, accusation, or ridicule. He spoke with her directly, asking a question that didn’t shame her further but pointed instead toward the abusers. Jesus took action against the a busers first, interrogating the abusers instead of the Leaderswoman.often want to hear the opposing side of the story before believing the survivor’s story, but this can cause greater harm because it denies the survivor’s truth. We are quick to ask about survivor’s stories before we even know if they’re ready to share. Instead of get ting answers quickly to make ourselves feel good about helping them, we must prioritize the needs of the survi Jesusvor. didn’t ask the woman about the details of her story because he already believed her. He didn’t re-traumatize her by forcing her to confirm or deny the accusations. He didn’t need to know the details before taking action to help her, side with her, and create safety for her.
Ask if anyone would like to share their experience with the rest of the group
8:10-11A REFLECT
Break the group up into pairs. Describe a moment when you felt safe. What was that experience like? Who was there and what happened that made you feel safe?
DISCUSS What are ways to establish safety for survivors in your community? On a white board, list everyone’s ideas. Create a timeline with action items, determine who will be responsible, and commit to completing the tasks in your community. Here are a few ideas: • Develop policies that protect survivors and convict perpetrators • Hire trauma-informed therapists • Fund therapy, resources, or support for survivors • Make safety and protection trainings mandatory for all leaders • Initiating abuse reporting procedures that are safe and anonymous • Publish the Survivor Protection Statement
Mission Statement: _________________________________ As an organization, we live out our mission by working to protect survivors of sexual violence, to create policies that prevent sexual violence, and to advocate against sexual violence in our community. The following belief statements guide our process and policies as we aim to establish safety for women, children, survivors, and marginalized groups that we care for. We Believe Survivors. We believe that the stories of survivors matter. We take their stories, insight, and solutions seriously by ensuring our belief is paired with action. We do this by establishing a safe space for survivors to be heard, providing support systems that survivors request, and supporting the survivor to create solutions for healing, justice, and advocacy. If you are a survivor of abuse and wish to share your story with an organizational leader, you can choose to do so anonymously through this form: (link to form) We Listen Empathetically. We listen to survivors with empathy, compassion, and holistic care. We pause to listen to with empathy, compassion, and holistic care. We pause to listen to survivor-cen tered solutions rather than rushing to promote advocacy. We create the time and space for survivors to be heard without judgment, condemnation, or interrogation. We fund opportunities for survivors to be supported through trauma-informed counseling. If you are a survivor of abuse and wish to speak to a trauma-informed counselor, contact: (insert counselor’s contact). We Unlearn Abuse. We condemn any abuses that oppress, victimize, and objectify women, children, and marginalized groups. We do not tolerate abuse of any form whether it be sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological. As an organization, we actively undo the harms of toxic masculinity, patriarchy, and religious power by condemning perpetrators of abuse and standing alongside survivors. We Establish Safety. At our organization, we establish safety through our policies, procedures, and values that guide our programs, keep our leadership accountable, and promote safe boundaries amongst our community members. We are committed to nurturing a community that is safe for all members to express their God-given dignity, voice, and vocation. In collaboration with survivors, we have developed the following policies to establish this community of safety: (list policies, statements, and procedures). If you have ideas that can establish safe spaces for survivors, women, children, and marginalized groups, please contact: (insert contact). We Speak Out. We provide opportunities for survivor’s stories to be heard. For reporting purposes, we have established procedures for survivors to voice any abuses that go against our organization’s mission, values, and policies. We also provide spaces for survivors to speak out through creative forms of expression. If you have ideas or partnership opportunities that can promote the survivor voice, contact: (insert contact).
CREATE A SURVIVOR STATEMENT.PROTECTION
The 5 motion steps in this guide can be a model for your Survivor Protection Statement. Incorporate any words or phrases from your organization’s mission statement, organizational values, and today’s discussion to inform your state ment. Ensure the language speaks true to the survi vor voice and the culture you are trying to create within your organization. Modify the below exam ple as needed and publish your statement on your organization’s website.
Step 5: SPEAK OUT
We must allow survivors to realize what freedom looks like for them. When survivors express their perspectives freely, they will be able to facilitate their own healing journey. Jesus gave the woman a taste of that freedom through his encounter with her. Most likely, a man had never stood up on her behalf, acting as her advocate. Yet this experience opened up what could be possible if she found freedom from sin, abuse, trauma, and oppression. In a survivor’s story where the incident of violence is not their fault, the survivor may manifest their pain through self-harm, substance abuse, or toxic relationships. Having a trauma-informed approach, rather than condemning their behavior, can support the survivor toward wholeness and healing.
READSHAREJOHN
Throughout his ministry, Jesus empowered women by giving them a platform to share the good news of healing with others, to share in intimate conversation, and to be the first to announce his resurrection. In the same way, we can learn to provide platforms for survivors to share their stories, voices, and perspectives on healing, freedom, and hope.
[Jesus said,] “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
Share the Survivor Protection Statement with the group. Solicit feedback and rework to find shared language, intentions, and commitments within the statement. Ensure that survivors in the community approve of the statement.
8:11B
DISCUSSREFLECT
Survivors may feel compelled to speak out through art, music, dance, public speaking, poetry, or advocacy efforts. Ask survivors: What forms of expression have been healing for you? How can advocates in the community support these forms of expression for survivors?
Jesus did not condone what the woman had done, yet there was no condemnation. Rather, she was given a sense of freedom—to be free from sin, free from her patterns, free to live without fault, free to express herself, free to choose how her life should look moving forward.
CONTEMPLATEDISCUSS To provide a platform for survivors to have diverse opportunities to speak out, let’s consider committing to these actions: • Ensure consent is provided by the survivor before sharing their story • Provide community training on the Survivor Protection Policy • Establish survivor support groups • Provide opportunities for survivor-led experiences, events, or workshops • Regularly emphasize support for survivors by speaking about it within the organization • Read your Survivor Protection Statement regularly to remind survivors of the safe space your organization has created Together, commit to providing consistent platforms for survivors to speak out within your community. Sit in silence for two minutes and consider this question: As we’ve journeyed together through these five sessions, what are you most grateful for? Stand in a circle, hold your hands, and raise them up as a symbol of solidarity with each other’s story. Go around the circle and share your gratitude for these moments you have spent together.
God who advocates with and through us, Thank you for bringing us together and strengthening us throughout this process, Thank you for all the stories shared that contribute to the richness of our community, Thank you for the allies and advocates that ensure our community is a place of accountability, Thank you for guiding us to make our community safe for survivors, Thank you for the gift of being a support system that brings healing. May we embody the covenants made in this space, May we practice belief and listening, My we unlearn abusive mindsets and speak out for justice, May we establish safety, healing, and advocacy in our community through our intentions, our words, and ourAmen.actions.
CLOSING PRAYER
NIKOLE LIM
Copyright, 2021 Guide Design by Josue Carballo-Huertas. Photography by Nikole Lim. Photography Model Jean Nangwala
is a speaker, educator, and consultant on leveraging dignity through the restorative art of storytelling. Author of Liberation is Here, Nikole shifts paradigms on how stories are told by platforming voices of the oppressed—sharing stories of beauty arising out of seemingly broken situations. Her heart beats for young women whose voices are silenced by oppression and desires to see every person realize the transformative power of their own story. In 2010, Nikole founded Freely in Hope, an organization that equips survivors and advocates to lead in ending the cycle of sexual violence in Kenya and Zambia. Nikole has been deeply transformed by the powerful, tenacious, and awe-inspiring examples of survivors. Their audacious dreams have informed her philosophy for a survivor-led approach to community transformation. Nikole is a native of the Bay Area and can often be found buying African fabric on the streets of Lusaka. She holds a bachelors degree in Film Production from Loyola Marymount University and a masters degree in Global Leadership from Fuller Theological Seminary. was born and raised in Lusaka, Zambia. Her passion for social justice stems from her personal experience of injustice and witnessing the same inequality across the globe. She has an undergraduate degree in Psychology and a minor in Media Studies. During her undergraduate studies, Jean volunteered with a juvenile facility in Cape Town, survivors of sexual violence in Nairobi, and creatives using art for community transformation in Barcelona. She has also worked with The Salvation Army International Social Justice Commission in New York City. She is currently working as the Residential Counselor at Partnering to End Human Trafficking located in Connecticut. Through her experiences, she has witnessed the gravity that bro ken systems can have on the lives of the vulnerable. Her passion is empowering women to come together and alleviate systems that perpetuate social injustice. She loves using art to inspire others to find liberation. To learn more, check out her YouTube Channel, Tales of a Black Girl. + Learn more about FREELY IN HOPE by visiting freelyinhope.org For more dope stuff, visit madeforpax.org
JEAN NANGWALA
