JOURNAL February 2013 of my life with Wilson
es entur v d a ’s ilson W w o Foll k at: .co.u t daily o p s log rs2.b a w t n //a http:
Original photographs of Wilson used by kind permission of TamanduaGirl: www.livingwithanteaters.com
This is one of the beautiful new journals that Wilson gave me for Xmas. They are much smarter than the old ones, so I shall try to write more neatly. Here goes...
Friday I've always found visiting Garden Centres to be quite hard work... no less so now that Wilson has discovered children's ride-in shopping trolleys! He's heavier than he looks, you know, and his constant cries of, 'Faster, New Dad! Faster!' make it quite an exhausting experience. We didn't actually buy anything on this trip, just kept chasing up and down the aisles until we were asked to leave. Oh, the ignominy! The weather was sunny but chilly, and on the way home W confided that he was going to knit himself a scarf, so long as Andrea would cast it on for him. And cast it off, obviously. With the eye-wateringly high cost of postage it would be much cheaper to buy a scarf, but knitting does keep him out of trouble...
saturday Wilson watched a documentary about Joni Mitchell on Sky Arts this morning. This inevitably brought back memories of his doomed romance and he got a bit morose as a result. I suggested he might work off his melancholy mood by doing a bit of gardening, so he headed out with a box of grass seed and some tools... and his wretched and terrifying 'friend' sTony.
sunday Today it is cold and wet again, so I was very grateful when Wilson offered to take out the Recycling to the bin. I made coffee for him while he was out, but he seems to have disappeared. Still, I'm sure he'll be alright...
monday I had to go searching for Wilson, and I eventually found him sitting in the Wilson Vermilingua Museum of Old Stuff And a Robot, reading an unsuitable magazine which he had found in the Recycling pile. He was quite upset by what he'd seen, and I've had to calm him down as best I can. I don't think I've heard the last of this...
tuesday 'Have you read this?' Wilson asked, visibly shaken. 'This "Secret World of Microbes" article? It says that there are tiny animals living inside my nose! On my beautiful tongue! Tell me it's not true, New Dad!' The article in question, illustrated with many coloured photographs and diagrams, explained that every breath of air contains millions of microbes, and that our bodies are alive with them. There are apparently 2,264 species in our nostrils alone. Not 2,264 microbes, but 2,264 species! The article goes on to explain that the microbes in and on our bodies can weigh more than our brain. I tried to explain to Wilson that many of these microbes were friendly, indeed necessary to life, but he wasn't listening. 'Eeeeew! Tiny invisible animals are crawling all over me!' he exclaimed, 'I'm off to have a bath!' With this he stomped upstairs, shuddering with each step.
wednesday So far, Wilson has got through two bottles of Head & Shoulders, and he's still not done! The thought of all those microbes crawling over and inside his body is, as he puts it, 'Doing my head in!' He asked me if Antony had microbes all over him as well, and I told him I thought probably not. To be on the safe side, though, W made me pop him in the microwave for 20 seconds on Defrost.
thursday Wilson came out of the bathroom to sleep last night‌ but today he's back in there again. He says he's having a good soak so that the microbes in all his crevices will drown. He has drawn up a chart to remind him of all the places requiring 'special attention.' If I can't snap him out of this, soon he'll be surrounded by Kleenex boxes, wearing rubber gloves and generally behaving like Howard Hughes! In fact, just to be on the safe side, I'm going to hide the DVD of "Ice Station Zebra."
friday Some of Wilson's friends have asked for a copy of his Microbe Map, so that they too may rid themselves of this invisible menace. Here is a printable version of it. W is staying close to the phone as he is expecting to hear about his payout following the Phone Hacking Inquiry. Similarly, despite never having taken out a loan or even visited a bank in his whole life, he is expecting to hear about his compensation for having been mis-sold Payment Protection Insurance. Good luck with that!
saturday Wilson is using mouth wash to protect his 'precious tongue' from the 7,949 species of microbes apparently living on it. Well, he told me it was mouth wash. He later admitted that it was alcohol. Ant Gin, specifically, and instead of rinsing his mouth with it, he's swallowing... and getting quite giggly. At least while he's worrying about microbes he's not fretting over whether his imported dried ants are contaminated with horse DNA.
sunday Wilson was sitting in the dining room, composing a very stronglyworded email to the National Geographic Society about how they shouldn't put such scary photographs of microbes in their magazine, when a news item came on the radio. As soon as he'd sent the email he came to find me, asking, 'New Dad, what's 2012DA14?' My heart sank.
monday There was no point lying to Wilson about 2012 DA14 — he has access to Google, after all — so I told him the truth: it's a 500m asteroid that's going to pass quite close to Earth. 'How close?' he asked. 'Not very' I replied, hoping this would satisfy him. 'We are all going to die!' he wailed. 'You are so naïve, New Dad! Do you really think they'd TELL us that it's going to hit the Earth and kill everyone? Of course they won't, there'd be pandemonium!' 'Look, I promise you it's going to miss us!' I said. 'Well it doesn't look very much like that here' he replied, pointing to the tv. 'It looks like it's heading straight for us!'
tuesday Following the shock resignation of the Pope yesterday, Wilson is writing his CV so he can apply for the job himself. As he pointed out to me, not only would Wilson the 1st be the first Costa Rican Pope, he would also be the first Flying Spaghetti Monsterist to hold the post. I advised him to play down this aspect of his spiritual life. Halfway through writing his CV, W closed the MacBook with a sigh and said, 'What's the point? We'll all be dead before I even get appointed! It's such a shame, I could have issued such great Edicts. And Papal Bulls...' I think he was really looking forward to driving around in the PopeMobile.
wednesday A couple of days ago, following the suggestion of Cathy, one of his friends, Wilson contacted Brian Cox to ask him for reassurance about the impending asteroid close pass: "Dear Professor Cox, can you PROMISE me that we're not all going to die next week? New Dad tries to reassure me but..." Brian Cox has not replied... which in Wilson's mind can mean only one thing: we're all going to die. I tried explaining that the professor was probably in Indonesia filming a new series, and was perhaps out of range of Wi-Fi, but W has made his mind up.
thursday St Valentine's Day took Wilson by surprise this morning, when a crop of envelopes landed on the doormat. Most of his mail proved to be identical Valentine cards from his family, but there was one mystery card. 'This is the third time this has happened!' W exclaimed fractiously. 'I really don't have the time for this... I must get on with my Survival Shelter.' 'What Survival Shelter?' I enquired. 'I'm building an asteroid-proof underground bunker in the back garden. There will be room for me, Antony and a supply of ants and ant juice. Antony's toy will have to remain outside, unfortunately.' 'And where will I be?' I asked, although I think I already knew the answer. Wilson looked me up and down. 'You're very large, New Dad, you won't fit in the shelter. I think your best bet will be to remain outside, sit under the dining room table and hope for the best. Perhaps you could take care of Antony's toy while you're there.'
friday There was no sign of Wilson when I got up this morning, but I found a scribbled note left on the dining table: 'Check the news from Russia – it's started! I'm in the bunker. 'Please look after Antony's toy as best you can. 'Thank you for everything, New Dad. 'Love, 'Wilson Vermilingua OBE. 'PS If you're not killed, please come and get me when the danger has passed. XXX'
saturday It was just after dawn when Wilson finally emerged from his bunker, blinking in the light. 'New Dad – you're alive!' he exclaimed, 'How is Antony's toy? Is anyone else alive?' 'Everyone is alive,' I told him. 'The asteroid missed Earth by thousands of miles, exactly as predicted.' W came into the house where I had a cup of coffee and some ant cookies waiting for him. After a moment's thought, he said, 'Right. We're not all dead, lets go and fly my kite to celebrate. We could paint an asteroid on it, to scare people!'
sunday Wilson has produced what he calls his Survivors' Badge, for everyone who wasn't killed by the recent asteroid strike. He describes it as a "strike" rather than a "near miss", partly because of what happened in Russia, and partly for its greatly increased dramatic value. Since no-one was killed, he is expecting world-wide sales totalling seven billion, but says that his friends can all have one for free. I hope he's not going to store all seven billion badges in the kitchen... monday The weather is so lovely at the moment - cold but very sunny - that Wilson's fancy has lightly turned not to thoughts of love but to thoughts of holidays. He has popped into the village to get some brochures from the Travel Agency. I hope he doesn't decide on anywhere too expensive! Speaking of love, though, I would dearly like to know who sends those anonymous cards to W every birthday, Xmas and Valentines day...
thursday For the past few days Wilson has immersed himself in researching the Ideal Holiday Destination. Front runners are Disneyworld, Australia, Canada, Thailand and, inexplicably, Worthing. He had wanted to go to Antarctica (indeed, that was on his list of New Year's Resolutions) but only because he thought it was full of ants; once he discovered that it was full of snow he immediately crossed it off his list. It would be very convenient if he were to decide on somewhere that didn't require a passport. Or a bank loan.
friday Wilson is in a bit of a quandary – he can't decide between New York and Worthing as his Ideal Holiday Destination. He says that if we went to New York he could try the newly-discovered species of ant, the ManhattAnt... but on the other paw, Worthing sounds like a really magical holiday town. I told him that I'd been to Worthing many times and, while it was nice enough there, 'magical' was never a word that I'd associated with it.
Personally, I'm trying to steer him towards New York as I'd really like to go there! Yellow Cabs, Broadway, MoMA, The Bronx...
saturday Wilson's friend Cathy suggested that he might like to holiday in Africa, pointing out that there are many, many species of ant living there, some up to 4cm long! Another friend, @highwulf, said that New York was a clear winner, as he'd be invited to guest on dozens of radio and tv interview shows. W counters their arguments, however, saying that Worthing has its own pier, theatre and hospital, plus numerous interesting places to visit. I think the Worthing Tourist Board must be employing some VERY talented copywriters to work on their brochures!
sunday Wilson has decided that no holiday is a proper "Holiday" unless one arrives in style, by which he means by air or sea. As Worthing is very close to Shoreham Airport, he thinks we should fly there for our holiday. This would mean driving to Gatwick Airport to get a flight to Shoreham, then hiring a car to get to Worthing. Since Gatwick is further from home than Worthing, I have vetoed this idea, so W is now researching boat charter. He says that it's not a "real" boat unless it's got a helicopter pad. He thinks we should be able to charter a floating gin palace like the one in the photo for 'about 50 pounds per day... although that MIGHT not include use of the helicopter.'
I have my doubts that we'd get a row-it-yourself dingy for that!
monday I found this note this morning. I've never thought Wilson was overly interested in windmills or museums, let alone churches and a pond. About the most interesting thing to do on the list is to visit Brighton, and we've both been there loads of times. Once Wilson gets a bee in his bonnet it's very difficult to change his mind. I expect I shall find out what this is all about one day...
tuesday Since Wilson wasn't after all killed in the recent asteroid near-miss, he's just realised that he might still be in with a chance at being the new Pope! He's finetuning his letter of application before emailing it to the Vatican. To be on the safe side, he's writing it in Latin by means of an on-line Latin translation bot.
He'd better get a move on - I think the Cardinals have already convened!