Live @ the lounge; Weather by the moon

Hello. As you would have gathered, Lizard is still AWOL, last seen heading west on the Manukau Harbour aboard what appeared to be a steam-powered, wooden vessel called Lady Luck 111. Shaz, his wife, said not to worry as Lizard knows the Manukau like the back of his head.

So (and I want to say, ‘a needle pulling thread’) let me introduce myself and wish you all a very Happy New Year. I’m Arthur Lizard and yes, I’ve heard it all before: ‘Arthur Lizard, should have got a whole one’. Very droll. I’m Lizard’s second cousin on his sister’s side. I was a foreign correspondent in the Far East for 45 years, stationed mainly in Saigon, Peking, Bombay, Terra de Santa Cruz and most recently Te-Ihu-aMataoho Beach. I studied at the University of Naypyitaw gaining a doctorate in pre-Raphaelite linoleum cuts. But enough about me.

A huge wowee and hip hip for making it to MMXX. 2020. The Chinese zodiac year of the rat. An interesting aside about our friend ‘the rat’: he reaches sexual maturity aged six weeks but social maturity at about six months. Going by this, if humans are deemed sexually mature at sixteen then we reach social maturity when we are around 64. Sounds about right.

Gosh, 20 years into the 21st century. It was 43 years ago that Elvis left the building!

As I’m sure you all well know, 2020 is a leap year. Incidentally, so was 480AD, the year Baderic, King of the Thuringii was born. If it wasn’t for his premature and somewhat brutal death at the hands of his brother, he would be 2,500 years old today. Think about that. Also, equally extraordinary (and how time flies!) it was some 2720 years ago that the Etruscans in northern Italy were still wearing dentures fashioned from real human teeth. Yuk. Go back just 40 years and Tom Waits was still holding hands with Rickie Lee Jones and The Sex Pistols were still spitting on crowds across London. Even yukkier. Now that I’m once again domiciled in Aotearoa, I find it incredulous that after all these years we, as a nation, are still struggling to pronounce the simplest of Te Reo. When I was lecturing in pre-schools in Xiangyang, Jingzhou and a school for gifted Chinese children of Scottish decent, a surprisingly large number, in Wuyishan City, the children were expected to memorise over 1000 Chinese symbols. Their language is tonal and therefore, depending on how they mumble the word ‘cheung’, for example, it can mean long, wall, window, rob, gun or to change money. We only have 26 letters in our alphabet and yet can’t pronounce Taupō? Or Māori for that matter. Is it really any wonder that our national table tennis team is predominantly players from the archipelago?

If a child is born today and lives for 81 years, he/she will be in the 22nd century. What will they have seen I ponder? I’ll bet he/she is not eating cows and gaining abdominal muscles at the gym. Interior design and pets will surely be ‘virtual’. Outrageous public displays of affection, PDA’s, will only be acceptable as a solo activity. I should imagine music would be injected, religion projected, warships neglected and marital visits scheduled bi-monthly for identification purposes. Basements, backyards, barbecues and bottoms will all surely be self-flushing.

These are extraordinary times my friends, and time is definitely ticking. Please embrace these fantastic new opportunities but still cherish yesterday’s darlings. As I’ve always said, ‘why go outside, when inside is somewhere to be?’ It is far better to be ridiculous than boring. May laughter be your ultimate objective and if I ever meet the bastard that folds over pages in ‘borrowed’ library books I’ll knock him into the next century.

On behalf of Lizard, Yours sincerely, Arthur.

west auckland weather by the moon

Ken Ring’s predictions for February

February may be drier, sunnier, and warmer than normal, with a heat-wave predicted for the second week.

With the first two weeks dry and sunny, the last two weeks could see a rain day each, although the rain-total may be less than half the average for February. The second week is the hottest and suncare should be observed, with the hottest afternoon (around 11th) reaching around 28°C. Day temperatures may average 24°, slightly exceeding the average. But temperatures overnight may average 15°, which is normal. The coolest night may be at or near the 26th at 12°. The 18th and 19th may also see cooler nights.

The barometric average may be 1017mbs. Most of the winds are from the southwest. For fishermen, the highest (king) tides are on the 11th, with a lesser kingtide on the 26th. The best fishing bite-times (in the west) are at noon on the 8th-11th and 23rd-25th, and in the east at around dusk on those days. Chances are also good in the west for dusk of the 1st-4th and 15th-17th, and in the east around noon of those days.

For gardeners, the 7th is the best sowing day, with the waxing moon ascending. The best pruning days are the 20th-22nd with the waning moon descending. If harvesting for longer shelf-life, choose lower water-table neap days of the 3rd and 19th.

Allow 24 hour error for all forecasting. For future weather for any date, visit www.predictweather.com. © Ken Ring 2019.

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