4 minute read
Live @ the lounge
Good day. I’m Alfred, nee Alfred from Alfreston.
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If you could see me you’d instantly recognise me as a possum. We were introduced so many generations ago that we have dropped the ‘O’ from our name. Opossum sounded as if we hobnobbed with lions. We do not consider ourselves above the native habitants of course. Not in the least bit. We are just trying to settle in and get along with our neighbours. As we aptly say. ‘there’s plenty of sweet tips to go round.’
I’m no longer from Alfreston incidentally. I’m now, Alfred from Waitākere. Here’s why. As is so often the case, Dad was right. For years he had tried to drum into our thick skulls, not to play on the road. “Especially at night!!”
Of course this is made all the harder since we are nocturnal, but hey, his point was that possums are put under a spell by the hypnotic headlights of vehicles. Mum said that if this occurs we should immediately ‘freeze’ and ‘play human’.
Anyway, as you have probably already guessed, early one evening, I was nipping across the road to have a nibble at the orchard, when, like the Manfred Mann song says, I was Blinded By The Light. All I remember was a huge thump, being tossed by the tail into the back of Whitevan and a man’s voice saying, “he’ll make a fine hat.”
I awoke the next afternoon to the smell of hops and marijuana. I have eaten the Devil’s cabbage before so I knew the smell. Next, the squeak of the back door being opened. Like a flash I made my escape and have been living in the man’s roof ever since. He lives with a woman that smells of plums, or onions, and an old dog that smells of domestication and slavery. Perhaps creek water as well. For a dog, he’s not too bad. On occasion, we play ‘tag’ or go ‘grubbing’ if it’s a full moon.
Oh, by the way, I do apologise for having to use a tape recorder and get one of my children to type this up but embarrassingly, I never learnt to read. Or write.
Speaking of Joeys, I have three common wives and quite a few casual girlfriends. Wink, wink. At last count, between us, we have 409 offspring.
This number may double or triple if this wonderful feijoa season continues. Of course there are always millions of deliciously fresh kauri tips available. The pūriri berries have finished but the kererū will soon be laying eggs. Yum.
Last night, we had a secret meeting that had been called by the sparrows. It was secret because the mynah birds repeat everything. The usual gang of tūī were there squabbling and hassling the black birds. Luckily the fantails weren’t. It may be just me, but whenever the fantails attend one of our meetings, someone dies a few days later ...
The point of the meeting was that the sparrows thought the rats were increasing their numbers to the detriment of the mouse population. Usually my wife’s brother Jack would be the first on any point of business but he had been missing since he said to me, “I can smell apple dipped in cinnamon. I’ll be right back.” That was two nights ago.
The second bit of business was brought up by Fred Owl (always a hoot). He had noticed a marked decline in feral cats and noted that their domestic cousins were thriving but not in the wild. It was suggested that perhaps it was a lack of eel in their diet. But since this was suggested by Pauleen the hedgehog it was just too prickly a topic to discuss without further investigation.
“Too much soft rabbit in your diet can give you the runs,” interjected someone. I think it might have been one of the hawks. But they always have something stuck in their claw.
Fred Owl brought the meeting to a close. We drank the last of the kōwhai wine and headed back to our respective homes.
I’m beginning to feel my age. No one ever wants to get old but then no one wants to die young. Keith Richards I think.
Enjoy the last of this autumn and thanks for the scraps you so generously leave out.
As Lizard always says to me, ‘catch ya later.’
Alfred from Waitakere.
Leave a gift to nature.
Bequests can be made to “Royal Forest and Bird Protection Society of New Zealand Inc”. For more information on how to make a bequest contact: Fundraising Manager, Forest & Bird PO Box 631, Wellington Freephone: 0800 200 064
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