3 minute read
auto known better: TEK GEAR FOR FATHER’S DAY
907 Princess Anne Street, Downtown Fredericksburg
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www.donatelifevirginia.org
Auto Known Better
By Rim Vining
Did you know you can no longer buy sweat pants? Now we have Active Wear! I needed a new pair of "sweat pants" but instead had to buy what the label said was, "Tek Gear - OPEN BOTTOM PANT." Not being a novice at putting on my pants one leg at a time I'm thinking "CLOSED BOTTOM PANTS?" They call that a potato sack. Besides having the new age "OPEN BOTTOM" they also advertise "relaxed through the hip and thigh and… relaxed leg openings!"
Help me please. Aren't sweat pants, buy definition, baggy assed, floppy, comfortable cotton pants for around the house and gym? These are the pants that you're not supposed to wear to the store but sometimes do… often with slippers. They make a "slim fit" too: I tried them and that is as close to panty hose as I hope to get. My sincere condolences to all those who have suffered with such things through the ages.
So now it's June and time to celebrate Father's Day, among the most awkward holidays in existence. What do you get a dad who buys his own toys? I had a father who wore Brooks Brother's suits and Florsheim Imperial Wingtips and made us wear a coat and tie to go on vacation. He and his generation were guys who looked like somebody's dad. My father was 38 in above photo and the average age isn't much past forty. He is 3rd from the right next to the gentleman with an uncanny resemblance to Christopher Walken. This is how men looked in the fifties and it explains why I have a closet full of white starched buttondown shirts with an occasional blue one thrown in. If it's not blue or white it was a gift.
Try as I might, I do not look like someone's father even with a tie. My oldest son is almost 40 and wears the tie and button-down quite well but looks even less like someone's dad. The spikey hair, skinny slacks and Reefs might have something to do with it but I'm beginning to believe it goes deeper and I'm going with environment over heredity, societal norms over family influences. Let's talk nicotine and wood smoke. Ever watch Perry Mason? A cigarette is lit in every scene by almost every character except Della Street. The second hand smoke in cars, bars and teacher's lounges not to mention restaurants, office buildings, church parish halls and oh my Lord planes… Craziness! Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and Ernest Shackleton all looked old at 35 and grew up in sooty houses and log cabins with open fireplaces. They all smoked tobacco and they all had receding hairlines just like the men from the fifties. It's as if they spent too much time in dark sweat lodges so their skin turned to leather and their eyes became deep set almost afraid of the light.
My generation had central heat and air conditioning. We finally started to quit smoking and could open the windows. We made some strides in clean air and water and you can't smoke in a plane! It was a start, not enough and yeah, we brought our own bags, but feeble at best.
So what should the dads who don't look like dads ask from their daughters and sons this Father's Day? Nothing small, just save us from ourselves. Two thousand years of buying our own toys hasn't worked out well. Bigger, better, shinier isn't too far from the craven image and the golden calf.
Do it for your kids and let us help. It can be done.
autoknownbetter@gmail.com
Rim Vining, humorist, friend and a devoted community volunteer autoknownbetter@gmail.com
