auto known better: spring has sprung

907 Princess Anne Street, Downtown Fredericksburg

www.donatelifevirginia.org

Auto Known Better

spring has sprung

A few of us still have a Webster's Unabridged and a Roget's Thesaurus on the shelf just in case Google fails us but I also have my trusty Bennet Cerf' s, House Full of Laughter. Every year as the weather starts to warm, the earth is in bloom and the pollen lays so thick it harkens back to the dust bowl days I remember lines from that book. One was of a sign hung on the back of a pick-up from Seattle:

Spring has sprung and grass has rizz Where last year's reckless driver is

That always leads to Richard Armour's more famous:

Shake and shake the catsup bottle: None will come and then a lot'll.

Thank you Bennet Cerf.

You'll notice two things about those rhymes. The driver 'hung a sign' not a bumper sticker on his truck and catsup is spelled correctly. Try finding it on the grocer's shelf… which brings me to the crusade that AARP and various organizations have been trying to champion for years, age discrimination. Forget healthcare and housing issues or phone scams and where you can retire comfortably on $22.50 a month, we're talking about important age-based trends: the disappearance of Scotch from bars and cocktail parties and Detroit's abandonment of the sedan in favor of the SUV and giant truck.

The Boomers perfected the cocktail party and the corner tavern after 'the war' and no self-respecting host would ever hold an event without a fully stocked bar which only included five items: Gin, Vodka, Bourbon, Rum and Scotch! Mixers were limited to water, soda, tonic and Coke. Maybe a 'Tom Collins' mix but that's about it and you drank whatever was offered. Choices might be limited but they were all 80 proof and did the trick.

Nowadays it's four kinds of bourbon, three vodkas with different flavors from straight to coconut cream pie, a few gins with 'house-made' tonics that include lemon-grass, a couple rums and no damn scotch! And when you find a bar with scotch and ask for a scotch and water the waitron asks a thousand questions: "How would like that? Water back? Ice-orb in or on the side?"

I figure if I have to explain how to put ice in a glass, add booze and top with water the staff may have trouble with the rest of the meal. When you ask for a gin and tonic do they come in separate glasses? I've been told the bar didn't have ice cubes, only orbs, leaving me no alternative but to order ice-water from the kitchen and get the scotch 'neat' from the bar and mix my own. Kind of like a salad bar and buffet where you do all the work.

This of course leads me to the Detroit problem. How the heck is the older population supposed to get into the new offerings? Which is harder; climbing up into the truck or finding some way to break your fall as you dismount? I still have all three levels of transport including a sports car, a couple of sedans and an older pick-up. They keep me young. I have to keep stooping and bending and standing up and climbing in and not falling off the tailgate. It's the Jack LaLanne Workout!

What's old is new! We live in Fredericksburg where some houses still have steps at the curb for getting in and out of carriages. Maybe we'll see more of them and besides, in a few more years with no scotch and cars you can't get into, 'driving impaired' will be a thing of the past.

autoknownbetter@gmail.com

By Rim Vining

Rim Vining, humorist, friend and a devoted community volunteer autoknownbetter@gmail.com