Auto Known Better sports car forgiveness program

By Rim Vining

chariots and landed in the squat position! A perfect 10! Actually, the Carolina Squat is now illegal in South Carolina with more states to follow I am sure.

Thank God the Supreme Court has seen fit to lay the groundwork for asphalt breaking legislation that might save us from the ravages of the debt burden associated with sports car ownership!

I'm pretty sure Saint Peter has that on his list of forgivable sins widely recognized throughout the ages along with too much gilding on the chariot or one too many false idols. What's the difference really?

We're officially in the dog days now. Too hot and too suffocating… you have to chew the air before you take a breath because it's August for Augustus's sake! And who was Augustus and how can that possibly tie into sports car ownership… "Prithee thee I inquired."

So it seems this month's namesake had a fondness for wheeled conveyances. (Yes, I have used "conveyances" twice this year) He also established the police and fire departments so it is not inconceivable that the Romans, along with all their many lasting developments, probably issued the first speeding ticket. You know the type. The hoodlums, the James Deans of the Agora.

Imagine the dust and noise as roving bands of wild eyed charioteers converged for spontaneous contests of speed and skill and did burn-outs in their stripped down chariots. Clots of Roman youths blocking intersections and interfering with the Senators in their togas with their Harrumph, Harrumph speeches. Those racing chariots were actually the first to incorporate the Carolina Squat as a design element and cult identifier.

Stick with me here. It's like gymnastics… we've gone from sports car debt to Roman emperors with gilded autoknownbetter@gmail.com

For the uninitiated the 'squat' is achieved by raising only the front suspension of your truck with a lift kit making it almost impossible for the driver to see the road while braking becomes a joke and the headlights are aimed at the stratosphere. The first time you encounter one filling up your rear view mirror at 70 MPH it is a bit unnerving. Chariots, on the other hand, achieved this by design making it easier to dismount by merely stepping off the rear. (no seatbelts, pre-Ralphus Naderus) The lowered rear deck with the driver's weight on the wheels also made the chariot handle very well while chasing Christians at the Coliseum or when drifting through the 'esses' at Sebring or Le Mans.

So we should now be able to infer that the word sports car is actually derived from the Latin sports cart also known as money pitius with the first minting of coinage being established in 269 BC near the temple of Junos Moneta, i.e. money!

And speaking of money foolishly spent on conveyances (yes, that's the third time I used the word) I invite you to visit www whiskeychariot com. Here, starting at a mere $3,495.00, you can purchase a four wheeled electric conveyance (yeah #4) with hydraulic brakes and a reverse gear that is built around a cooler. Yes, they are marketed as "ride on coolers" available in various sizes and they even offer a BBQ grill trailer accessory. You actually sit on the cooler and no there is no seatbelt on a cooler. Not much padding either.

But leave it to me to immediately pick up on the inherent design flaw…. you have to stop and dismount to get another beer. They need to add a dispenser like a Coke machine.

So for all the foolish funds poured into sports cars and coolers it could be worse. We could have bought boats.

Rim Vining, humorist, friend and a devoted community volunteer