Baton Rouge Parent_Features

Choosing a

Guardian

By Jannean Dixon, M.Ed.

Before I had children, I had a very spontaneous, adventurous, try-anything-once mentality. Having children put the brakes on that because now I have something, or someone, to live for. I gladly took myself out of the middle of my world and centered myself around my little bundle of joy. But what if I weren’t here? Who would love her and raise her?

GUARDIANSHIP = TUTORSHIP

When we think of a person who would take care of our children upon our death, we think of the word ‘guardian.’ However, in Louisiana, this person is called the ‘tutor.’ According to local attorney Sarah Thigpen, “Louisiana law provides that the last parent to die chooses a tutor (or guardian) for minor children. Typically, this selection is made by both parents in their Last Will and Testament. Parents should note that in divorce situations, the other living parent is going to automatically be the “natural tutor” for the children, unless there are specific and extenuating circumstances, and should that parent die, then he or she would have the right to select a guardian.”

WHY CHOOSE?

If you die without planning your estate and appointing a tutor, the court will choose who will take care of your children. This becomes an impersonal process as the judges do not personally know you or your children. They do not have an understanding of your expectations and dreams for your children. Furthermore, anyone with a familial tie to the children can step forward to request tutorship and the battle for the children can get unpleasant. If no family can be identified, appointing a tutor gets even more complicated and children can end up in the foster system. As a parent, you probably want to choose the person who may end up raising your child.

HOW TO CHOOSE?

First, acknowledge and accept that no one will ever take your place as your child’s mom or dad. Now, choose the next best person for the job. Keep in mind aspects of raising your children that are important to you as you choose a potential tutor, such as schooling preference,

religious affiliation, how nurturing the person is, the potential tutor’s resources, parenting style, values, age of the tutor, the tutor’s own family, and the tutor’s goals and ideals. Does the potential tutor have medical issues that may prevent he or she from raising your children? Does this person love your children and do your children love this person? “A good guardian is going to be someone who you truly believe will have your child’s best interest at heart,” Thigpen continues.

Also, know that you can appoint more than one person. You may have the perfect person in mind to handle the financial aspects of your legacy, but that person may not be great with your kids. That’s okay! In many cases, there are two people named in the Last Will and Testament, a tutor for the care and wellbeing of the children, and a trustee to manage the financial aspects of child raising. Ideally, these two people have a good working relationship. The tutor will raise the children with the money that is held in the trust and managed by the trustee.

WHAT IS A TRUST?

variety of tools to protect your children and property. Hiring a lawyer to help with your estate planning is crucial to ensure the transition after your passing is smooth, especially for your children.”

HELP THE GUARDIAN, AND YOUR CHILD

If your appointed tutor and trustee do have to step into the role of parent/ financier, help make this transition as smooth as possible for them, given that everyone will be in a state of grief. Make sure that you have set up a trust with a trustee who will work with the tutor to the benefit of the children. Speak with the trustee about experiences that you value for your children, such as schooling, extracurriculars, travel, etc. Have open conversations with the tutor to share parenting beliefs, values, and styles. Also, parents may write letters to their children to open in the case of their untimely death.

No one will ever take your place as your child’s mom or dad; A good guardian is going to be someone who you truly believe will have your child’s best interest at heart.

Trusts tell where, upon your death, the children’s property will lie: life insurance, property, cash, college funds, etc. These funds will be managed by the trustee and used to help the tutor raise the children to age of majority, and then parents select terms for when the children receive the rest of the inheritance funds.

It is often misunderstood that trusts are for the wealthy. This is not true! As attorney Namisha Patel put it, “Estate planning is not just for the rich and famous. Proper planning utilizes a

While there is still a legal process involved even if a tutor and trustee have been identified in the Last Will and Testament, having your ducks in a row will prevent the court from appointing your child’s guardian(s) for you.

As a parent, this is one of the most difficult topics to think about and plan. But Patel offers this important advice, “This shouldn’t be a rushed decision and should be re-considered every couple of years.” ■

ADHD The Complex World of

in Children

By David Jacobs

Belynda Gauthier’s son was kicked out of five daycare programs before he turned five years old. She heard a lot of misguided opinions about what might be “wrong” with him. A social worker said he was autistic. Deafness was another theory, but testing revealed that he could hear just fine. Many people assumed he was the victim of bad parenting. “People’s first inclination is to blame the mother,” she says. The Gauthiers’ struggle was almost 30 years ago, when ADHD was infrequently diagnosed and less understood.

At age four, Gauthier’s son was diagnosed with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD. Gauthier says he has “ADHHHHHHD,” putting extra emphasis on how “severely hyper” he was as a young child. At the time, medication and therapies to treat ADHD were less advanced, and he was in middle school before he found a medication that worked for him.

Even after finding medication he struggled in school. A public high school stuck him in special ed classes, though he had a high I.Q. A Catholic high school accepted him, then decided at the last minute not to enroll him. He ended up at Millerville Academy, a now closed private school, and graduated as valedictorian, she says.

Gauthier, a Baton Rouge human resources professional, was recently elected national board president for Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder [CHADD]. She says services for kids with ADHD are more widely available now than when her son was growing up. “Things are better in some ways,” she says. “They’re not great yet.”

The symptoms and severity of ADHD vary, and what works for one patient may not work for another. There’s no cure, although children may “grow out of it,” says psychologist Randall Lemoine, who specializes in developmental challenges. Lemoine urges parents to be open to intervention. “I always tell parents I respect their decision, whatever it is,” he says. “But please make an informed decision.”

DIAGNOSIS DU JOUR

Children with ADHD tend to be inattentive, impulsive and hyperactive. While that might describe just about every child you know, those qualities are more pronounced in children with ADHD and are extreme enough to interfere with school and social development.

Years ago, children with ADHD symptoms were often seen as bad kids who just needed more discipline. Pediatricians, social

Treatment for ADHD falls into three main categories: behavioral therapy, medicine, and classroom and home support.

workers, and teachers are getting better at spotting the possible symptoms and referring a child to an expert, although some are better at it than others. But some experts say the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction.

“I think it has been the diagnosis du jour for many years,” says Christiane Creveling-Benefield, a licensed clinical and school psychologist. “Any time a child was struggling, the obvious answer was ADHD, and I think it really led to a period when it was over-diagnosed and over-medicated.”

A 2012 survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention pegged the rate of Louisiana children diagnosed with ADHD at 13.3 percent, the third-highest in the country. Louisiana children diagnosed with ADHD were more likely to get medicine for it than those in other states, so

that 10.4 percent of Louisiana children were given ADHD medication in 2012, the highest in the nation, compared to a national average of 6.1 percent, according to the survey.

ADHD is easily confused for other conditions, especially in young children. Hyperactivity, inability to concentrate, emotional outbursts, and “acting out” can also be signs of anxiety, depression, oppositional behavior, learning disorders, or autism spectrum disorder. Such conditions often accompany ADHD, making a proper diagnosis even more complicated. But ADHD may also be underdiagnosed in some situations, warns Kristin Savicki, a psychologist with the Louisiana Department of Health. While the hyperactivity component is very noticeable, inattention may be less obvious. Children who primarily suffer from the latter may go undiagnosed and untreated.

While parents shouldn’t substitute their own research for an expert’s professional evaluation, the following resources may be helpful:

The American Academy of Pediatrics (aap.org)

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html)

The National Resource Center on ADHD (chadd.org)

Families Helping Families of Greater Baton Rouge (fhfgbr.org)

ADDitude: Inside the ADHD Mind (additudemag.com)

Exceptional Lives Louisiana: An online directory of therapists and support programs for various conditions. (la.exceptionallives.org)

The ADHD task force report published by the Louisiana Department of Health (http://www.dhh.la.gov/assets/ADHD/ADHD_DHH_ RspnseRsltn39.pdf)

The ADHD Workbook for Kids: Helping Children Gain Self Confidence, Social Skills & Self-Control by Lawrence E. Shapiro Smart But Scattered: The Revolutionary & Executive Skills Approach to Helping Kids Reach Their Potential by Richard Guare, Peg Dawson and Colin Guare

Although parents of children with ADHD will face frustration, their children can, and often do, surprise them and others by overcoming the overwhelming diagnosis.

Children under the age of six definitely are being over-medicated, Savicki adds. Most children should try therapy first, but there isn’t enough access to, or awareness of, evidence-based behavioral therapy, she says. And the diagnosis pendulum might be starting to swing back toward the middle. “I think professionals are getting a little bit better because of the high referral rate [of ADHD],” agrees clinical psychologist Daniene Neal. “I’ve seen a more recent trend of people trying to be a little more thorough before giving a diagnosis.”

NO QUICK FIX

For most parents, the ADHD journey begins with their pediatrician. While very few pediatricians specialize in developmental behavior, a competent doctor should be able to refer you to someone who can do a full evaluation.

“I always recommend visiting a pediatrician first,” Neal says. “Any psychologist that you go to is going to want to make sure that we’ve ruled out anything medical that could be contributing.” Other psychology professionals agree that getting a pediatrician check up is a good idea. Thompson Davis, associate professor of psychology at LSU and director of the university’s Psychological Services Center, says a parent who merely suspects their child might have ADHD or a similar condition should start with a pediatrician. If you’re fairly certain, you might want to go straight to a child psychologist, he says, but as a child psychologist himself he admits he may be biased.

Treatment for ADHD falls into three main categories: behavioral therapy, medicine,

and classroom and home support.

“Medication, by itself, tends to be about as good for most problems as some sort of cognitive behavioral therapy by itself,” Davis says. Using both together usually leads to the best outcomes, he adds.

While parents should research their child’s condition, Davis warns them to be wary about unproven “alternative” treatments they might come across. Those can include everything from dietary changes to bathing children in magnetic clay to draw out “heavy metals.”

Dr. Steven Felix, who practices the rare specialty of developmental behavioral pediatrics, says at least 25 percent of his ADHD patients don’t need medication. All drugs can have side effects, so it makes sense to avoid using them if possible.

And when kids go off their medications, as many do on weekends and during the summer when they’re not in school, the symptoms return. In therapy, children can learn organizational and coping skills they can carry into adulthood. But medication can be an important tool in combating ADHD when used as directed. In some cases, a child’s issues are severe enough that it makes sense to incorporate medicine right from the beginning of treatment, Felix says.

Public schools, including charter schools, are legally required to accommodate students diagnosed with ADHD. Of the East Baton Rouge Parish School System’s roughly 41,000 students, about 2,800 are diagnosed with ADHD, compared to 2,500 in 2015. Accommodations can include preferential seating, minimizing distractions, and/or use of a timer to increase focus, EBR officials explained. Private schools are not subject to the same regulations, so access to accommodations may vary.

While parents of children with ADHD often get a bad rap for supposedly not providing enough discipline, Davis says, consistent discipline, including rewards and reinforcement for good behavior, is important. While parents don’t cause ADHD, they can help their child battle the condition by providing clear house rules, a consistent routine and a quiet place to study. Lemoine recommends a family-oriented approach to therapy, in which parents take part in weekly sessions with the

child. “If you can get the teacher and the parents on the same page supporting the child,” he says, “I think you’re going to see some success.”

EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT

Kara Shupe of Families Helping Families of Greater Baton Rouge works with parents who have children with ADHD. While her organization does not recommend specific providers, it can help parents figure out how to find the right treatment and services. She strongly recommends finding a support group. “Other parents out there are dealing with the same things you’re dealing with,” she says. While there’s growing acceptance that ADHD is a real medical condition, she says the “naysayers” are still out there. Parents need that support from one another to brave the trials that will come.

Although parents of children with ADHD will face frustration, their children can, and often do, surprise them and others by overcoming the overwhelming diagnosis. Shupe’s daughter Emma was diagnosed with ADHD as a first grader, and Shupe was reluctant to give ADHD medication to her so young. She faced obstacles with finding the right services and medication for her young daughter, but after trying around 10 different ones, they finally discovered one that worked best.

After the right combination of services and medication, Emma went on to become an honor student. This fall, Emma started her senior year at the Louisiana School for Math, Science and the Arts, the academically rigorous residential public school in Natchitoches. She still takes her meds, and she still gets accommodations from the school. But she’s taking college-level classes, her mom says, and she’s flourishing.

Emma is an example of many children who, once they receive the help they need, learn to manage their ADHD and thrive . ■

11

ADD/ADHD SOCIAL MEDIA RESOURCES

Social media has become a main source of news. Everyday, millions of people log onto Facebook, check their Twitter feeds, and pins on Pinterest. There is a wealth of information on these social media sites, so here are a few resources you should be following.

Facebook

Managing Adult ADD/ADHD Managing ADHD. A resource and community for those who are living with Adult ADD/ADHD. This page offers excellent information and resources from professionals and families who have experience with ADD/ADHD.

ADHD Kids Care Support Group. This is a place for parents to discuss their feelings and ideas in regards to ADD and ADHD. Run by two moms who have children with ADD and ADHD who are looking for parents who would be interested in learning and growing within the ADD/ADHD community.

Louisiana Capital Area CHADD. Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD) is the nation’s leading nonprofit organization serving people affected by ADHD and related conditions. The Louisiana Capital Area Chapter is run entirely by volunteers and has held monthly meetings in Baton Rouge since 1983.

Support Group for Parents of Kids with ADHD, ADD and/or ODD. Vent your frustrations or let somebody know that you know how they feel. Life can be hard with an ADHD child, and this place can help you get through that or give you the encouragement to keep trying.

Moms with ADD/ADHD Children. Moms of children with ADD/ADHD can share stories, ask questions to other mothers who may have been through similar situations, and provide support to each other.

Parents of Kids with ADD and ADHD. This is a place to discuss the stresses of being a parent to a child with ADHD/ADD; a place to help others with tips, methods, and websites and advice; and a place to vent about how this affects your lives.

Twitter

@TerryMatlen. Terry is a nationally recognized ADHD consultant and writer. Her focus is to help moms and women live with ADHD.

@insideADHD_org. This educational website is designed for parents of children with ADHD, adults with ADHD, and school counselors that work with ADHD students.

@womenwithadhd. A quick and easy-to-navigate online support group for women with ADD/ADHD.

@ADDitudeMag. Resources for families experiencing attention deficit disorder (ADD/ADHD).

@livingwithadd. Tara McGillicuddy is an internationally recognized ADD/ ADHD expert. She strives to provide support and education to people affected by ADD/ADHD.

School Safety Awareness

By Lauren Labbé Meher

If you were asked to close your eyes and picture the place where you feel most safe and secure, most likely you would imagine your own home. As parents, we have measures in place; like teaching our children to lock the doors, to never open them to strangers, and to have a plan in case of a fire. These measures are most likely second nature, yet their combined efforts are what makes our home feel like a safe-haven. But what about school safety? Have we put the same amount of effort and thought into the place where our children probably spend the most time, other than at home?

Know your school’s safety procedures. Every school has policies and procedures on security and emergency preparedness. Each school’s procedures may be slightly different so it is important for you to know your school’s safety plan. Gwynn Shamlin, East Baton Rouge Parish I CARE Program Director says, “The East Baton Rouge Parish School System publishes an annual Student Handbook, as does each individual school. The handbooks make recommendations to parents regarding safety, including bus, Internet, and school safety suggestions.” Take a moment to review your school’s procedures in the handbook or with administration, and if you find an area of safety that you feel might be lacking, address the issue with your child’s school.

Communicate with teachers and faculty. All schools should have a staff that has been trained on what to do in a variety of emergency situations, but keep in mind that you are still the best advocate for your child. Ask your child’s teacher or administrators what plans they have in place for emergencies such as fires, hurricanes, intruders, or other safety threats to your child’s school. Keep in

mind that some safety drills may be intentionally unannounced.

Louisiana’s Department of Homeland Security encourages the community to report suspicious activity with the concept of “If you see something, say something.” .

Communicate with your child. Ask your child questions about school safety. Is there any area in their school where they do not feel safe? Do they know what to do in case of emergency? Do they have a trusted adult who they feel comfortable talking to in any emergency? Louisiana’s Department of Homeland Security encourages the community to report suspicious activity with the concept of “If you see something, say something.” For East Baton Rouge Parish schools, Shamlin says their I CARE Program’s “Be the One” curriculum enforces this idea. Trained specialists, teachers, and counselors teach the “Be the One” curriculum encouraging children to be aware of their surroundings and to “be the one” to notify a teacher if something seems amiss. Discuss this idea with your child and ensure that he has a trusted adult at school who he feels comfortable talking to in any emergency.

Know how emergencies will be communicated to you. Most schools have a school-wide alert system of some kind,

and often the communication comes from multiple sources. In an emergency situation, your school may make phone calls, send emails or text alerts, or use social media to get the word out. For East Baton Rouge Parish schools, Shamlin says their system-wide phone alert system, J-Campus, can contact parents via home phone and cell phone to relay urgent safety messages in a timely manner. If you were to take only one step for school safety, let it be this: take a few minutes to check with your child’s school and be sure you are set up to receive all emergency alerts by whichever method is offered at your school.

Do your part. Maintain a partnership addressing and understanding school safety. Do your part by knowing and respecting your school’s safety procedures. For example, do you follow all school safety procedures such as checking in to receive a visitor identification badge or parking in designated areas? Keep in mind that sometimes doing your part may also mean letting your school’s administration do theirs. Once you know that your school has emergency procedures in place, don’t waste valuable time making multiple calls or visits to the school during a potential crisis situation. Trust the administration to implement the plans they have in place to keep your children safe at school. ■

Is TeasingBULLYING?

By Christa Melnyk Hines

"Oh honey, I'm only teasing," I say, smiling as I ruffle my six-yearold's thick thatch of blonde hair. He's annoyed that I'd gently ribbed him about the adorable cowlick on his head, and his need for a haircut. "Teasing isn't allowed at school. It's bullying," he says with a grave look in his blue eyes.

This stops me in my tracks. Is playful teasing really the same as bullying? I'd mostly thought of teasing as a form of affection, especially within the family and with close friends.

PROSOCIAL TEASING.

Because the line between teasing and bullying can be blurry, many schools adopt zero-tolerance policies for both behav iors. Nonetheless, the ability to recognize and respond appro priately to light-hearted teasing is a valuable social skill.

Communication researcher Carol Bishop Mills, Ph.D., finds that the lighter side of teasing benefits our social lives by building and strengthening relationships and helping us navigate conflict. But teaching youngsters to recognize the differences between kidding and tor menting isn't easy.

In general, kids grasp the concept of af fectionate teasing around age 10, Mills says. (Although, she adds, a child who is accustomed to good-natured kidding by parents may understand it earlier.)

Affectionate teasing can create bonds and provoke good-natured laughter. Amanda Ott, school counselor at Denham Springs Freshman High has observed, “I see kids all the time at lunch joking and teasing between friends. I think this can be a positive thing because it makes the students feel accepted and part of a group. But, there is a line that can be crossed and even light teasing can turn into something more that can cause hurt feelings.”

Context and the nature of the relationship is key to understanding the meaning behind words. "When kids get teased, they tend to focus on the negative or challenging content," Mills says. "Try to get them to take the perspective of others by asking, 'What do you think Reece was doing?' and talk through that."

Discuss nonverbal cues that the other child exhibited. Ask questions like, "Was he laughing? Was he trying to play? Did he look mean when he said it?" Then, discuss teasing from your child's point of view. "When you teased Leila, did you want her to cry? ...Oh, you were playing, maybe Reece was playing too!" Mills says, "It'll take several attempts. It's not an overnight process.”

WHEN TEASING MORPHS INTO BULLYING

Of course, youngsters also need to recognize when teasing isn't playful. "If it hurts emotionally, socially, or physically, it's not funny," says Deb Woodard, licensed professional counselor and certified school counselor. "If persistent, it can become what is formally identified as bullying."

Point out body language and verbal signals that indicate that the target of the tease isn't happy. “You can usually tell if it is teasing/joking by the other kid’s response. There is definite body language that shows if a kid is okay with the teasing or if it has crossed the line. Bullying is when picking on or making fun of becomes constant and unwanted. Most times, it comes with one student who has

TEASING IS OKAY WHEN:

• Both parties are laughing, smiling and joking with each other.

• Both individuals sense that the teasing is playful and not meant to be hurtful.

• The person being teased responds in a playful way, which increases his or her like-ability in the group.

• There's a balance of power in the relationship.

TEASING SHOULD STOP

IMMEDIATELY WHEN:

• Facial expressions convey that the other person is feeling hurt by the comments.

• aunting or cruel name-calling is used. (Epithets related to race, weight, sexual orientation, ethnicity, religion and disability are unacceptable.)

• Comments are derogatory in nature, insulting and mean-spirited.

• The teaser shows disdain and dislike for the other person.

• There's a power difference between the individuals. For example, one is the "popular" kid and the other is struggling in the social setting.

more ‘power’ picking on a student who cannot defend themselves,” Ott says. Role-model, role-play and discuss situations as they arise. And respect your

child's personal boundaries if he doesn't want to be teased about something–even if it starts out playfully.

"Even children who are too young to identify and express hurt feelings verbally, may cry or physically push away those who think they mean well," Woodard says.

BUILD RESILIENCE.

Arm your child with skills to assertively manage put downs. Author and educational psychologist Michele Borba suggests firm statements like: "I want you to stop teasing me" or "Why would you say that?"

If teasing continues, raise the possibility with your youngster that the remarks may not really be about them, but about the teaser.

"Kids tease because they're playing with words (rhyming), exploring new ideas (boyfriend/girlfriend), pointing out differences (height, hair color, glasses, etc.) or to exert peer pressure," Mills says.

While teaching kids to stand up for themselves and confidently express their feelings builds resilience, encourage them to immediately seek a trusted, safe adult if they ever feel scared or threatened. Ott adds, “I like to focus on helping the victims by showing them they have a voice and have power over their bullies by stepping up and coming to me or a teacher or administrator.” ■

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman Masterminds & Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of the Boy World by Rosalind Wiseman Queen Bees & Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World by Rosalind Wiseman

UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World by Michele Borba, Ed.D.

Girl

A Father’s Passion Dad: for Raising His Daughters

By Joy Holden

“It is the biggest responsibility that I could ever have as a man to be a father for these two girls,” Jarred James states confidently. James is a father who prides himself on his ability to throw a great tea party just as well as he tosses a spiral pass to his daughters. He specializes in both the soft and the strong, mastering his nail polishing technique along with breaking down football plays for his girls. Providing unconditional love each and every day, though, is his main goal.

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE FATHER/ DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP

A girl’s relationship with her daddy cannot be overstated. In general, parental relationships shape us in immeasurable ways, positively or negatively, but a father can greatly impact his daughter for the long term. “Research shows that young women who have a strong, healthy relationship with their fathers are more confident in their careers and life path choices, more likely to choose a husband who has a healthy and loving relationship with her, and have generally better mental and emotional health than those who do not have this kind of relationship with their fathers. In short, daughters with healthier father relationships are better equipped for a healthy transition into adulthood,” Dr. Roger Butner, LMFT shares. And, it’s never too early to start that strong bond before father and daughter.

James considers his girls, Paetyn, 10, and Ryleigh, 6, to be the lights of his life, and he is determined to be theirs. He knows the significance of his role in their lives, and he lives out that calling daily. He sees his job description as a father to have many components. “I can set the tone for any man who will come into their lives in the future: friends, boyfriends, husbands. My job is that

I’m setting a good example on how a man treats a woman by how I treat their mom. No matter what’s going on, I want them to know dad’s going to be there, the rock they can always count on.” Whether it’s a dance recital, a soccer game, a play, or another performance, James wants his girls to always be able to look up and see him in a crowd. Though he works demanding hours in real estate development, he makes his girls’ activities a priority, even if he doesn’t get there right on time. “Daddy’s never too far away. I want them to know that I always make time for them.”

QUALITY TIME AND WORTHINESS

Dr. Butner has observed over years of counseling that “the most common negative contributions of fathers upon their daughters are either those who simply seemed too busy with other things to give them proper time and nurturing or those who actively sent the wrong messages about where their daughters' worth comes from.” Fathers can avoid this negativity by spending quality time with their girls and reinforcing their inherent value. It’s a simple formula: time plus affirmation equals positive impact.

The James family has that quality time dynamic on lock. They know how to make their time count whether it’s family picnics

in the living room, playing pretend, or a night out at the local bowling alley. In addition to Friday Family Nights, the James family also has daddy/ daughter dates, which is good for both dad and for his wife to have some time of her own. Paetyn and Ryleigh love to go get pizza and froyo with their dad on their dates.

One of the sweetest traditions James has with his daughters is their bedtime ritual. He reads to them, prays with them, tucks them in, and then, they sing their song together. When the girls were born, James picked a song for each girl. His hope is that when the girls get married, the father/daughter dance will be to their special song. Paetyn’s is “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder, and Ryleigh’s is “My Girl” by the Temptations. From nighttime lullabies to waltzes in wedding dresses, the James girls will always have their daddy’s voice singing over them.

TOUGH AND TENDER

Some men may feel participating in “girly” activities may jeopardize their masculinity. James scoffs at that idea, and believes that by enjoying his girls’ interests, they can enjoy being a part of his. Though in the beginning, he was more unsure. “When we first found out we were having a girl, I was a little nervous. I’m into sports and ‘guy stuff,’ and my immediate thought was I wouldn’t know what to do with girls,” James shares. “But my girls are the best of both worlds. I don’t need a son. We can snuggle on the sofa and then wrestle on the floor. One minute we are watching Beauty and the Beast and the next, we are outside playing kickball.” The James family has found the perfect combination that works for them. “It doesn’t make you less of a man if you have a tea party with your daughters. We bake cookies together, but we also still do things that I like to do. They’ll watch a whole football game with me. And if they want to watch a princess movie, or if they want to dance around the house to Taylor Swift, we mix it up.” James is also a strong advocate for supporting his girls to be themselves. Paetyn loves to act and perform while Ryleigh is all about getting outside and playing with animals. “They may have a Bar-

bie doll in one hand and a dinosaur in the other hand. I don’t put limits on them. If they want cars or a football, we get it.”

This flexibility is healthy for fathers and children. Dr. Butner agrees, “Fathers who most effectively bless their daughters do so by being intentional about their time, pursuing good mental, emotional, and spiritual health for themselves first. And then, they are intentional about sharing meaningful time with their daughters in conversations and activities that matter. Their lives are built on a firm foundation, and they generously share that foundation with their girls.” Sharing favorite interests with one another builds a bond that lasts throughout life. Consistency and intentionality go a long way in establishing a strong father/daughter connection.

“There’s nothing my girls can do that will ever change the way I love them. Unconditional. No stipulations. I know they’re going to make mistakes, but even if I have to come down on them, it doesn’t mean that I love them any less. I will raise them to be good people and let them know they can always depend on me,” James promises. ■

If you are looking for some ideas for daddy/ daughter dates, try these favorites from the James family.

• Lit pizza and frozen yogurt

• LSU football games and sporting events

• Celebration Station

• Premier Lanes and Malco Theatre

• Louisiana Children’s Museum in New Orleans

• Knock Knock Children’s Museum

• BREC’s Baton Rouge Zoo

• Live After Five