Connectedness to Others

CONNECTEDNESS TO OTHERS

Connectedness to others is the second and most prominent domain. Youths’ definitions for the word relationship included “family,” “friends,” “quality time,” “[sharing] jokes,” “being together,” “understanding,” “being there for me,” “someone who hears you out,” and “second chances.” Definitions also included firmly skeptical definitions like “iffy” and “untrustworthy.” The volume and depth of their conversations in this domain illustrated (a) the critical importance of connections with family, friends, culture, and those they have encountered through the foster care system, and (b) the deep distrust that pervaded youths’ desire and ability to connect with others. Overwhelmingly, youth characterized their relationships as broken, negative, hurtful, hard, or fully absent. The positive relationships that were described were a minority, but the presence of positive relationships did illustrate that youth who had very difficult, non-trusting relationships with most professionals did trust the “right” adult. Positive connections with other youth who had similar experiences as their own were also prevalent and appeared to be opportunities for youth in care to develop and experience trust.

Critical Importance of Connections. One youth's description of her “grandpa as her gated community'' poetically and practically represents the importance youth place on relationships. It likewise reiterates the tenuous reality of lost protection (see Figure 10). In Figure 11, the same youth describes carrying a Cuban flag with her from place to place as a “piece of home.” The enduring pride for family and culture that she conveyed in the photograph’s narrative reiterates the value she places on keeping family connections. Yet, her narrative likewise hints at challenges youth in care face (e.g., lost belongings and limitations on cultural/language expressions).

Figure 10. "My Grandpa was My Gated Community"

I always loved my grandpa. I grew up in the hood. It's not like I lived in a suburban community. [Suburban communities] are gated for a reason. You get what I'm saying? It's blocked off from real life stuff. So yeah, I didn't really understand that until I came to foster care, because in a way my grandpa was my gated community. He was just the one. Growing up, my mom didn't have a good life. But my grandfather never let me have that type of life… my grandpa always protected me. I think I was twelve [when he died].

Figure 11. "A Piece of Home"

[This picture] It's just my family. So... Yeah. I take it wherever I go. That's my flag. Because I'm Cuban. It just makes me feel like I have a piece of home. When I grew up, there's always a flag. People will tell you that's the most Hispanic thing to do, have a huge flag from your country in your house. So, I always keep it there just to... For me, it makes me feel I'm with my family.

There was a lot of stuff my family went through, a lot of what's it called? Adversity. My grandpa swam over here during that phase where all the Cubans and Caribbeans were coming to Miami. So, yeah. That's why I have it. I had another one at my other placement. But they took it. So, I just bought a new one. When I moved, I didn't move my own stuff because I was locked up, so they did it. But they threw a lot of stuff away because my foster mom was the one who packed my stuff up and she didn't like the fact that I was Hispanic. I wasn't even allowed to speak Spanish in the house or anything. I think she threw it away.

Although the presence of positive relationships with adults was the exception, not the rule, examples of trusting relationships were also shared by youth. One youth described her house parents saying, “They are like real parents.” She expressed her love and trust in them without reservation. As a second example, original artwork shared in Figure 12 represents the “bond” described by one youth with their guardian ad litem and the feeling of having someone to support their success.

Figure 12. "That Bond" (Original Artwork by Youth)

So, my GAL, she's really close to me. So, we're kind of like family friends now because we've created that bond. Her dog is so cute and it looks like a little coyote. This is Dakota. And oh my God, I love her so much. She reminds me of my dog. Whenever we're going out for things, she [my GAL] is like, "Whatever you want to try I'll take you to. Whatever you're interested into, I'll take you to it because I want to see you succeed or try stuff out of your comfort zone." She's like an aunt. She's like... I don't know. She's there. She's someone

that can make me focus and stuff like that and go over the top. She nags me and she threatens me with a tutor. But she wants to just see me succeed.

Of note, youth were more likely to describe positive relationships with other young people compared with adults, particularly young people who had similar experiences as their own. Examples included a reflection by one youth on her relationship with a long-time friend:

I’ve been friends with her since I was 12 years old. We were locked up together and stuff, so she has seen the good, bad and ugly of me and the reciprocate. She’s the only person who I trust. As a second example, after initially not having a response when asked to describe relationships that have mattered to them, one youth circled back to the question. They reflected on a friendship with another youth who was previously placed in the same group home, sharing: “He was like a brother to me. It’s weird because now he got adopted so I’m pretty much all by myself.” The adoption occurred “years” before, but this youth still identified the “brother” as their primary example of a relationship that mattered and highlighted the significance of peer-to-peer connections among youth in care.

In Figure 13, another youth’s photograph representing what “connectedness” means to them portrayed a relationship with a young friend at school with the explanation: “We’ve been through a lot of the same stuff”.

Figure 13. "This is my friend"

So this is my friend. She is... She's kind of serious. She's been through stuff, but she hasn't been through DCF or anything. She's lived in hotels, she's slept in cars before. I think that's why we're really close,

because we've been through a lot of the same

stuff. And she's like one of my bestest friends.

Deep Distrust. The examples of positive relationships were noteworthy given the second observed subtheme under this domain - a deep distrust that pervaded youths’ desire and ability to connect with others. Youth in the study had to pause and frequently replied ‘no’ (e.g., “Not that I know of.”) when prompted to identify people who are there for them emotionally, people they depend on, people who care for them, etc. Of note, distrust dominated this subtheme that was either derived from or was reinforced by professional interactions. One youth reflected on their attorney saying, “They say they’re going to call you and they never call.” Another described getting a call from their case manager when they were hospitalized,

relaying: “That fake shit. That’s what my case manager does. He called me [at the hospital] talking about ‘Are you okay,’ but after that he just didn't contact me anymore unless he wants something done.” A different youth explained:

It’s like they come and do their job when they’re supposed to. They don’t talk to us for a whole month and don’t respond. They have this thing where they have to talk to us every month and that’s the only time they ever call. They’ll be like, ‘Do you need anything,’ and we’ll tell them. But they don’t really do nothing.

Multiple youth repeated the perception that professionals are motivated by job requirements rather than interest in their well-being. Example quotes included: “[Therapists] are just doing it because the court told them to do it” and “All of them [caseworkers] are in it for the money.” Other descriptions from youth emphasized examples of broken trust or the anticipation of broken trust. One youth reflected on her privacy being violated by a foster parent, recalling:

She read my blue book, basically like a whole binder, so when you move homes they have all your information in one binder, and she read out all my information to her family. That pissed me off.

The same youth also reiterated the need to keep her guard up, explaining: “You got to be careful what you do here because they [professionals] go against you, too.” Even teachers were included in youths’ references of mistrust. One youth explained: “Certain teachers run their mouths to other teachers and some teachers are just close to students…they would tell [my story]. I don’t trust them.”

Three illustrative photographs are provided to visually represent the deep distrust youth expressed (see Figures 14, 15, & 16). In their images, one youth reflected on feeling like they are ‘the problem’ in relationships. Others reiterated their hesitation to give trust a try, instead reiterating their anticipation that it will be broken.

Figure 14. "I don't know what love is."

I meditate in my room. I'll be thinking about something and I can't get it off of my mind. And people think I do voodoo, but that's not the case. It's just meditation. It's just sitting there and clearing your mind. But I focus on these two the most [points to head]. For the heart, love, and all that stuff, I don't focus on it. I don't do that. I don't really know what love is. I don't do relationships. I try so many times, but it just doesn't work out. I don't know. Maybe it's... Maybe I'm the problem. That's how I feel. Maybe I’m the problem. I can't be close to people because I can't trust people.

Figure 15. "Never Trust!"

Everyone is always pretending to be someone they're not or acts a certain way when they first meet you. Then when they get comfortable with you, they change. That's what that [this picture] means. Everyone's wearing a mask!

Figure 16. "Can you trust it?"

So people always say you'll never fail, never give up, all this stuff. But [look to the left side of picture]. See all that [shaded space]? That's your life, all the struggles you've been through. And then you come up [move to look at the text on the wall] to somebody telling you this. “You will never fail.” Should you trust that now? Why should you accept it now, if you haven't been told that in the beginning?