Self-Determination

Figure 2 provides an image to contextualize youths’ experiences of self-determination, connectedness to others, and self-advocacy within their prior and ongoing life experiences of trauma. It is an original drawing that one youth created on the back of scrap paper during session four. In her description, she offers a vivid representation of the ‘scars’ that youth are trying to close, but that often reopen.

Figure 2. "The Scars" (Original Artwork by Youth)

I used to draw out my feelings because I would just shut down. What this [picture] means…that's the hand and then that's the chain. It's holding you there. Then your heart's just going through a lot and it's pouring out into the hourglass and basically you got to act like you're fine because you're the second adult. You're the older sister. And they [case managers] are waiting on you. They're waiting for you to give the information. They're waiting for you to give out your emotions, what you're going through. Like, “What's up with your parents? What do they have to work on? What's your trauma?” That was really hard for me when I first came here [to foster care]. And, then you got the scars. Those are the

scars that were going to close and you thought you were going to be okay. But then they reopened… SELF-DETERMINATION

The first domain presented is self-determination. When asked to define their perception of self-determination in their own words, youth listed the following descriptions: “strength,” “resiliency,” “hard work,” “what keeps you pushing,” “motivation,” and “telling people this is who I want to be.” After coding the narratives and imagery shared by the youth, two subthemes emerged that represent their views, experiences, barriers, and support for self-determination: (a) environmental barriers contribute to vulnerability and stress (limiting youths’ ability to exercise self-determination) and (b) motivation occurs in high stakes environments.

Environmental Barriers that Contribute to Youths’

Vulnerability and Stress. In the first subtheme, each youth portrayed experiencing high levels of vulnerability and stress in ways that influence their self-determination. Instead of exercising self-determination, youth alternatively described environments in which things happen to them, depicted ways in which they are vulnerable to the choices of others, and reiterated the presence of high stress. Two photographs shared by youth in Figures 3 and 4 offer illustrative examples. Their imagery and narratives raise the question, how do youth successfully achieve self-determination in the midst of what youth describe as “The Fires” and “The Unknown”?

Figure 3. "The Fires Keep Coming" (Original Artwork by Youth)

So this is life, right? This is your body [in the center]. These are challenges, you know, those bomb things, firework things [the small dots]? That's the fire starting. But you don't know what it is because it's so small. So you don't even know it's coming. And there are just SO MANY of them [fires]. They just keep coming. [Moderator: You're saying the fires keep coming?] What would an example of a fire be? That they would put me back into this [system].

Speaker 1: It [court] is a big room! They have double doors. Once they close that door, you're done. I feel like... I don't know a better way to put it. When they close those doors. You have no idea what’s about to

happen. It could be a good thing or a bad thing.

Speaker 2: Because kids are scared when it happens. When the parents are up there and you feel like, "Oh snap, this is about to happen. I'm about to go somewhere where I'm never going to see my parents again."

A key component of youths’ vulnerability was conveyed through a lack of involvement in decision-making and autonomy in ways that limit their self-determination. A relational undercurrent in this subtheme was, as youth described, control being exerted onto them by ‘others’ (e.g., caseworkers, court professionals, and others with decisionmaking power). One youth shrugged as she said: “They [case managers] control your papers; they’re the ones who have access to tell the judge stuff.” Another emphasized the lack of choice experienced in care, explaining that “anything they throw at you, you gotta do.” Even well-intentioned decisions made on behalf of youth illustrated a lack of participation from youth themselves. One youth reflected:

Somebody put my picture on there [the adoption website] and I'm so pissed about it. [Moderator: Did you have a choice in that?] No, they didn't tell me. And it [the picture used] was like two years ago and my room was a mess. That's [what made it] even worse. And I was wearing the most, ugh! [Someone] looked it up and was like, look what I found. I found you on the freaking adoption thing. [Moderator: How did that feel when you realized what happened?] I was so upset. Another component compounding youths’ vulnerability was the perception among youth of looming negative repercussions and the presence of high stakes that may make asserting their self-determination even more difficult. In one case, a parenting-youth explained feeling vulnerable to having her own newborn removed from her custody and feeling like she had no room for error:

You are trying to put on an act, like you’re perfect, and everything is so great - because you don’t want to have your child taken… You make one wrong decision, the wrong move, [even though] we’re still growing [as kids ourselves], they literally hold it against you, try to take your children. [Moderator: When you say “they,” who are you talking about?] DCF, the umbrella.

Youth in the non-parenting group also communicated feeling pressure and vulnerability with an emphasis on possible negative repercussions. In one example, they relayed how the initial arrival process at their group home can feel like a test, explaining:

You have a trial. Usually if you come, a lot of times it’s on a Friday, so then you have the weekend that decides if you stay or not… It never happened to me, but I’ve seen it happen. [Moderator: Like kids come in and then what?] [They] leave because of messing up the trial.

Importantly, youth expressed understanding the need for a fit between a youth and the rules of the group home and expressed shared accountability on the part of the youth in achieving that fit. Yet, youth reiterated how hard the timing of this decision point is at the very onset of placement, explaining: “You can be acting any kind of way because you’re coming into foster care.” When asked how it feels for kids during the trial period, they reinforced feeling vulnerable and reiterated the weight of the repercussions at stake: “It feels like you’re being watched and you can easily go to a shelter after that, which is like being in jail.

Throughout this subtheme, youths’ narratives and imagery also depicted ways their efforts to exercise self-determination occur in environments of high stress. Examples include the stress derived from their vulnerability, but two additional visual depictions are provided in Figure 5 and Figure 6. In Figure 5, one youth described attempting positive strategies to feel calm and focused, yet their narrative highlights an already established pattern in their young life of being in environments where being relaxed and unstressed is a challenge. In Figure 6, two other youths used the image of a chess board in ways that conveyed their perception of life as stressful, particularly due to navigating all the moving pieces and just trying to make it across the board "in one piece.”

Figure 5. "Breathing Room"

This is part of my room. They’re sitting next to my bed. I have my candles and my diffusers because when I was locked up, when I would take a shower, that was the only time I got space from other people or was even somewhat relaxed. And staying here [in the group home] comes with a lot of stress. So, I just turn all my candles on and my diffusers and just lay in my bed and watch a movie or something and I feel better. Taking showers and smelling good stuff and feeling warm and cozy just helps me clear my mind. Speaker 1: Your life is made of a whole bunch of different pieces and they're moving around. And you TRY to make it across the other side.

Speaker 2: In one piece!

Motivation in High-Stakes Environments.

In the second subtheme under the domain of self-determination, youths’ motivations were observed to occur in the context of the high-stakes environments they navigate. Importantly, when asked, “What motivates you?” one youth responded plainly, “This is my first time hearing that question.” This particular youth and all youths in the study, however, identified multiple forms of motivation that included both a frequent focus on internal or self-motivation, as well as an emphasis on relationally-based motivation (e.g., people or relationships that influenced their perspective, desire, effort to set or achieve goals). First, internal or self-motivation was observed through a pervasive assertion of self-reliance among youth. For example, one youth explained, “I’ve been in foster care so long that I raised myself.” When asked follow-up questions such as “where did you learn to do that” or “who did you depend on'' or “was there anybody who helped make a difference” the response from youth was almost universal: “myself.” The stark pattern of perceived self-reliance and converse absence of relational support was likewise evident in another youth’s conceptualization of the independence presented in Figure 7.

I took a picture of “independent.” I was just thinking, don't depend on anybody... [Moderator: Are there people that you can really depend on in your life?] No. Myself. [Moderator: What does that feel like, depending on yourself?] It feels like being an adult.

Despite the prevalence of self-reliance, relationally-based motivation was simultaneously observed in youths’ stories. In particular, all youth who were parenting or preparing to parent identified their current or future child as either the sole or a significant motivator. One youth illustrated this motivation through a photograph of the wall art she created to represent how her baby keeps her focused (see Figure 8).

Figure 8. "Motivation"

That's my baby's name. I painted them and decorated them. It's right on my wall. So…I'll just look at it and it keeps me focused… Because my baby is, besides money, my baby is the only thing that motivates me. If a situation might get me upset right now—it's not as bad as it could be. I have bigger priorities and stuff. Youths’ descriptions of their children as motivators reinforced the vulnerable, high-stakes environment in which their motivation occurs. One parenting-youth explained, “We have kids, we have to be strong even though everything [around us] might be failing.” Another exemplified the magnitude of the stakes she perceived and her motivation to succeed: “I don’t want my baby to be in foster care.” Descriptions of motivation by non-parenting youth likewise emphasized the high stakes context in which their motivation occurs. In one youth’s photograph of a Rubik’s cube, they represented different pathways for navigating their future and used shadows to visually depict the threat of taking the “wrong path.” Their narrative includes candid recognition of the high-stakes consequences they perceive in their future: “If I fail…I’ll probably be homeless” (see Figure 9).

Figure 9. "The Dark Side or the Light Side?"

My picture is descriptive of how I think my life is sort of like a Rubik's cube. So, as you see, it's all mixed up. There are many different options to choose from. Like in life, you have many different options, pasts, anything, and they can take you to the dark side or the light side in your future. But, if it's solved, it would take me to the right path. I want to become a software engineer, a graphic designer.

I'm trying to figure out which path I should go

because I don't want to suffer. Like if I fail at

doing my thing (being a software engineer), I'm going to become in bad shape and probably be homeless. I've just got to, you know…[paused]… there are many different ways and I'm trying to pretty much fit out in this world.