JETFuel Magazine Spring 2015

JETFUEL 2015

march

spring edition

!

cover art by Bronwen FUKUI’S FED-BY-ALTS, B I A N N U A L , A LW AY S L AT E , C O N T R O V E R S Y COURTING, NEVER FORGOTTEN PUBLICATION IS HERE ONCE AGAIN AND REPORTING FOR DUTY.

ank you everyone who submitted work for this edition!

This edition brings you 69 pages filled with wise words from ALTs past, zombie apocalypse survival tips, intrepid tales of a d v e n t u r e , informative reviews, ALT exposés, highart, the usual sprinkling of inane nonsense and ! unicorns! Enjoy!

[e usual exceptionally high-level and stringent grammatical editing that JETFuel is famed for, may be lacking in this edition. Due to a reduction in person power and general laziness, the tooth comb has been dispensed with.

If you do spot any glaring errors please learn how to deal with it, aer all we’re only English teachers - not superheroes. Oh wait...]

contents 7.

3-4 advertisements 5-6 Public Information Notice 7-8 Lost in Translation 9-13 After Burners (Dan)

27.

14-15 A New Year with Soul 16-19 After Burners (Kenny) 20-23 Excremental: Faeces Matter 45.

24-27 Afterburners (Mark) 28-35 The Cycling Diaries 36 Valentine Poetry 37-42 Afterburners (Becca) 43-44 Revenge Upon Rice 45-49 My Sister’s Voice 50-52 Private i

60.

53 - 57 Afterburners (Squeezington) 67.

58-59 The Bottle 60-66 Awara Onsen Reviews 67-69 Fun Facts! Unicorn Edition 43. !

!

H Hs “They’re nice-ish and stuff.”

“Yeah, it was alright. The k ids didn’t moan to o much and we saw some nice stu ff and that.”

T.Herbert; Managing Director

’t believe “We couldn round it, we went nd there the corner a uff that was more st ad!.” wasn’t too b

Don’t miss out! Contact us today!

Tel: You can find us in the directory!

!

Website: We have a website, you can probably find it by googling Herbert Holidays, I think ! it’s a dot com or maybe it’s dot net.

The Cycling Diaries: My Journey

Com ing soo n!

To a ll go od boo ksh ops .

By Stuart Meadows Follow Stuart “Che” Meadows’ adventurous exploits. With only his trusty stead, Charlene the cycle, for company - one man travels to the very ends of Japanese civilisation in this tale of survival, which sees him do battle with hillbillies, pterodactyls and Swedish-wannabe intellects; deal with the hardships of faux-pissing himself and having his accommodation bulldozed to the ground.

Share the darkness as he is driven ever onwards by his life-long dream of finding a diabetic suffering from a fit, but eventually is driven to multiple murder in an act of brutal insecticide.

Bare witness to a man stripped to the very core by his experience, leading him into the deepest philosophical depths, in which he converses with God, has “a moment” with a bird and finally ponders such age old mysteries as how many ants exactly are there in this world. Read all in...

The Cycling Diaries: My Journey “Move over Keroauc, you’ve been surpassed!” Good Book Monthly Magazine “More... tour de force, than tour de France!”

Literally Literature Magazine

“Not since The Motorcycle Diaries or Homeward Bound has there been anything as emotiona!y poignant as this!” super-seriouscritics.com 4

public information notice Have you seen these emergency stations?

Do you know what they are for? This information could save YOUR life!

Many of you may have noticed these shovels located around Fukui city. It has come to our attention that there has been widespread misinterpretation of their intended use.

Other Emergency Stations coming soon to Fukui...

They are NOT to be used for snow shoveling. They are in fact a new disaster management initiative.

Baseball bat

This is just one of a growing number of Zombie Apocalypse Emergency Stations that are being installed around Fukui city in preparation for a zombie apocalypse.

Axe Claw hammer Pump-action shotgun Chainsaw

Translation of Japanese Instructions.

In the event of Fukui city being overrun by marauding zombies, please remove the green shovel, and holding it firmly with two hands strike the zombies about the head. It is best to administer a minimum of three blows p e r - z o m b i e , concentrating on the brain.

Before striking a suspected zombie please make polite inquiries in order to ascertain the veracity of your suspicions. For example you could ask: “I’m awfully sorry to trouble you, but could you tell me if you are indeed a zombie?”

If the reply is of the affirmative nature you may proceed by striking the being repeatedly about the head until it is incapacitated. If the reply is incoherent do not make any rash assumptions. Politely pose the question once more. If you are still in doubt please refer t o t h e f o l l o w i5 n g flowchart...

how to accurately identify a zombie Mwwwwr Gururrrrrr Garrrrrrr...

Sorry to trouble you old chap, but are you a zombie?

Start Do

Is the suspect

no

attempting to

stumbling in an

eyes, a generally

eat your brain?

disheveled appearance and

yes

no

uncoordinated

no

manner, or

smell of their own

lurching wildly

urine?

with flailing limbs?

yes

no

Are they Irish?

yes

Are they

they have bloodshot

yes

Is their speech an unrecognisable

incoherent mumbling or growling?

yes yes

Are they Scottish?

no Are putrid substances emanating

no

from any of their bodily orifices?

yes Are they exiting a

yes

bar?

no They are most likely a zombie, therefore within the rights of self-preservation you are permitted to repeatedly bludgeon them around the head until they cease to pose a danger to your own well-being.

no Are they harassing or

chasing the general public?

yes Inconclusive.

no

They are most likely a harmless alcoholic.

Please apologise for taking up their

time; give them a pamphlet educating them on the damaging effects of alcoholism and allow them to proceed with their daily activities.

Not a zombie.

Do not kill!

6

Lost in Translation:n o i t i d E y r a t n Eleme words by Anon.

As we all know, the life of an ALT varies in nature from h i la r i o u s to b o r i n g to frustrating to rewarding, and most everything in between. !

Fortunately, many of us have days that almost inevitably tilt the scale to the rewarding and hilarious end. Those days, my to mo dachis, are calle d elementary visits.

!

!

I went to my first elementary school visit in late fall. I was slightly nervous at the change of pace – we get oddly comfortable in our routine, don’t we? – but my jitters were soon settled by the insatiable energy of those adorable bite-sized elementary nuggets. As soon as my jikoshokai was off and running, there was no looking back. I hit them with the slow motion A m e r i ca n f o ot b a l l q u a r te r b a c k impression, the intrigue about Santasan, and then, the piece de resistance: a gif from Frozen. They were like pudding in my (entirely unqualified) hands.

! !

I walked into my last class of the day with confidence, despite three dispiriting factors: the students were my youngest of the day (second graders), the class was my biggest of the day (pushing sixty students, as the whole grade was present), and the teacher spoke the least Japanese of any I’d worked with that day (and by least, I mean zero). !

My co-teacher will hereon be referred to as Pushy-Sensei. This name conveniently preserves her pride and dignity from the harsh judgment of the vast JETFuel readership, while simultaneously suiting her better than her real name, which I’ve conveniently forgotten. cont...

7

Pushy-sensei

was, as you

might imagine, a tad on the assertive side. Two minutes into my jikoshokai showdown she interrupts me with a request to return to regularly scheduled programming, ie the lesson she h a d p la n n e d . T h i s le s s o n i n c lu d e s pronouncing the names of animals and having the kids very enthusiastically scream them back at me. Nowhere near as fun as my Toy Story gif surprise sequence, my mind grumbles, but Pushy-san doesn’t seem to be one for negotiating. !

So I acquiesce, and she grabs the stack of large animal flashcards. She holds the first picture up to the class. "Cow," I say in my best Buddy the Elf tone. .

“COWWWWWWWWOWEWEOWOWOWO OOOWWWW!!!!!!!!!" yell the fifty sevenyear-olds. (They have obviously practiced this before.)

The second picture goes up. "Monkey," I say. "MONNNNNNNNNNNNNKEY!! MONKEY MONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Goooood job!" I clap.

T h i r d p ict u re. " R o o o o ste r, " I s a y, elongating the O’s to make them giggle. !

The children are silent. !

What the f…? I think, because the drawing is quite obviously a rooster. Should I have said chicken? No, it has a gobble, it has to be a—

-sensei looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Cock." !

I stare at her. My face is about 5% blank stare and 95% trying not to laugh.

Who uses the word cock for rooster anymore?! No f-ing way am I about to teach these baby children the word 'cock'. As I’m trying to convey this message to her with my eyeballs, the kids begin to get restless. They've practiced this before, and they're impatient sevenyear -olds, an d n o w they've begu n whispering the word 'cock' in an epic minion harmony that's gaining momentum with every second. !

'Cock.. cock.. cock.. cock cock CockCOckCOCkCOCK’. I break eye contact to glance anxiously at the gleeful children, and when I look back my BFF Pushy-san is aggressively pointing at the picture and I'm starting to feel like I'm in an insane asylum so I take a deep breath, swallow my smile and calmly say, "Cock." !

"COCKUUUUUUUU!! COCKU COCKU COCKU!!!!!!!!” !

Well friends, I guess you could say I am truly an educator. !

We finished the rest of the animals without incident, and I was never asked about the cock confusion. Frankly, to this day I just remain grateful that I wasn’t asked to explain the American farm tradition of being woken up by a cock at dawn. ! … b ut t h e re are alw a y s m o re elementary visits in the spring.

ID.

8

Life After JET

AFTERBURNERS WHO ARE YOU?

Former Fukui legends from years gone by, share the wealth of their experiences, and answer some inane questions.

1. WHERE DID YOU SERVE YOUR TIME?

HOW LONG WAS YOUR SENTENCE?

Haruko Fukui Shi

2 years

2. FOLLOWING YOUR RELEASE BACK INTO THE WILD, WHERE HAVE YOU YOURSELF AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING? In the Australian wilderness as part of an ecological consultancy, channeling my inner Steve Irwin, eating snakes, wrestling with spiders, and sticking my thumb up crocodiles asses.

DAN LIM NEW ZEALAND

3. WHERE DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHAT?

27 MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME

BANK ACC. NUMBER

PIN CODE

3-DIGIT SECURITY CODE

Moneybags

3825-968-74666

3425

277

I wish I was back in Fukui, eating and drinking at Kenji’s izakaya, and singing at Rent-A-Car.

4. WHO DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHO? The dinosaur police mascot, and doing the man-in-the-onsen mascot from Awara.

Ryupi-kun リュウピー君

9

LIFE IN JAPAN

5. WHAT IS YOUR ‘ONE THING TO DO BEFORE YOU LEAVE FUKUI/JAPAN’?

FUKUI - Buy a handmade knife at the knife village! They stay sharp and are a great investment for your future kitchen. NOTE: Buy the general purpose one rather than the more rectangular vegetable one as it’s more versatile.

JAPAN - Go to Yoshinoyama Nara for an amazing cherry blossom experience. You can’t go wrong with 30,000 cherry trees planted in a valley.

6. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT IN FUKUI? Can I list three? Too bad…

1) Yushin (ask one of the veterans) for cheap sauce katsu and oroshi soba meal deals.

2) EY’s American Grill for friendly service and great quality burgers; and 3) Kenji’s izakaya for a super cheap nomihoudai and the greatest restaurant owner around!

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST AND LEAST ABOUT JAPAN? MOST - Sushi, onsen, karaoke and nomihoudai (in no particular order) 8. FAVOURITE JAPANESE

LEAST - Battling with some of my old classes and wet sprinkleraugmented snow.

Oishisou!

WORD AND WHY?

Make up your own funny comments for the pics... it’s all there for you...

“Oishisou” - especially when it involves Japanese people at aquariums.

9. FAVOURITE STUDENT MISTAKE Not really a mistake but one day at cleaning time, a student asked me for the English word for ‘manko’. I told him it was ‘vagina’ and he happily ran away to forget it for the night. He promptly returns at the same time the following day asking for the word again. This time, being a great teacher and understanding his need for an easier word to remember, I taught him ‘vajayjay’. Fast forward 2 months and I’m teaching a syllables class where I got the class to clap and recite first one-syllable words, then two-syllable words. I then asked for a three-syllable word from the crowd and my friend from cleaning time politely obliges me with ‘vajayjay’. Since he correctly identified that ‘vajayjay’ is in fact a three-syllable word, I indulged him and had the whole class dying with laughter as we clapped out the three syllables for ‘vajayjay’ (no pun intended).

10

10. FAVOURITE JTE MISTAKE I can’t remember any glaring ones.

A.K.A.

11. FAVOURITE OWN JAPANESE FAUX-PAS At Spa World in Nagoya I had a few too many beers after our 2 hour nomihoudai and had to use the bathroom. I had almost returned to the table when I realized I still had the bathroom slippers on and I was walking around the restaurant in them! Luckily no one saw, and out of pure embarrassment, I left them in a dark corner of the room…probably not the best way to remedy the situation.

12. FAVOURITE ALT QUOTE “I’m kinda disorientated cause I came in the backside” - Shaun

13. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT ANOTHER ALT

Mr All-rounder

At my first Awaji tournament we got fairly beaten in the soccer stakes but not in the drinking stakes! I’d brought an arsenal of drinking games from my time studying at uni, one of which was a game called “Hey, Jonny”. I can elaborate on the rules later but safe to say it got a few people a bit sloshed. We started by playing the game in our room but ended up migrating downstairs to join in the festivities with the other teams. As we walk into the conference room, Dale, our oneshoed assassin on the field, runs full steam into the room and executes a perfect swan dive onto a collapsible table… [which duly collapsed - ed.] it was quite an entrance!

The Games Master 14. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT YOURSELF

El Capitano

At the end of 2012, I got the chance to go home for my graduation. The night before I had everything organized and was ready to get up in the morning and train my way to Tokyo. Upon arriving at Narita, I walked into the entrance hall where a sign said, “Please present your passport”, to which I got a sudden sense of uneasiness…followed by the realization that I had indeed forgotten my passport. Luckily, through the co-ordination of Becca and the friendly staff at Air NZ, I managed to get it couriered to Tokyo for the flight the following night. I had a silver lining though in that I got to explore around Narita for a day, a place I wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t been an idiot.

11

15. ONE REGRET Not being able to see all of the places that I wanted to.

16. BEST MOMENT/EXPERIENCE IN JAPAN Having such an awesome team of adventurers/ companions/friends who helped me see so much of what Japan has to offer and to make those experiences one that I’ll never forget. Top three spots were 1) Yoshinoyama 2) 2) Kyushu (all of it!)

3) 3) The Ass (‘Earth’) Festival in Sado Island.

19. BEST ADVICE YOU CAN OFFER See as much of Japan as you can, try get off the beaten path, search around for the more interesting, uniquely Japanese experiences on offer cause these are the memories that will stay with you the longest after you leave.

17. BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN JAPAN Winning the first basketball tournament with the Crabs.

18. BEST PIECE OF ADVICE YOU WERE GIVEN “Take a ton of toothpaste!”

20. DESCRIBE JAPAN IN 3 WORDS STARTING WITH “S” Suupa

Suppai

Suupu 12

GETTING PERSONAL 22. DID YOU EVER HOOK-UP WITH A JAPANESE LOCAL? Nope.

21. WHICH CURRENT/FORMER JET WOULD YOU LIKE TO...

Kiss

Give a dead arm to

Marry

Becca, cause anything else would be way too controversial!

Ryan, cause he’s a dick.

Jonny, cause we look exactly the same according to Facebook.

23. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ANIMALS WOULD YOU PREFER TO BE ATTACKED BY AND WHY? A shark in the sea

A croc in a river

A lion in the savannah

A lion in the savannah because I can’t swim for shit 24. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A LIVE LOBSTER FOR A HAND OR A TOASTER FOR A FOOT? Definitely a toaster, more practical 25. IF YOU WERE JAPANESE WHAT WOULD YOUR NAME BE? Hayashi Akira cause Hayashi is my Chinese surname in Japanese and I like Akira as a name

26. HOW WOULD YOU BEST DESCRIBE YOURSELF USING A FLAVOUR OF HERBAL TEA BAG? Red bull and vodka tea with a hint of citrus 27. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SAYINGS WOULD YOU MOST ASCRIBE TO? A) Never trust a capuchin mokey weidling a machete.

B) You can’t judge an onigiri by it’s seaweed

C) When one door closes, another opens, but if it doesn’t then go through the window (but open it first).

Answer: B

28. DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN 3 WORDS ALL BEGINNING WITH “X” Xtreme

Xuberant

Xplosive 13

A New Year with Soul You’re

words by SiRenna Webb

in the amazing city of Tokyo with its confusing train system, many temples and shrines, maid cafes, electronic stores and game stations. Where do you go to bring in the New Year?

There’s always that hip club you found online when you were planning your trip, where you could run into celebrities and listen to the latest songs and mixes. But who knows how much an entrance fee would cost? Or the cost of drinks? Or if there’ll be an immense amount of people trying to get in, that you’ll have to party the night away with? What is a traveler, a foreigner no-less, to do?

On the way to a club listed, as a result of a Google Maps search, my ears heard some old-school music. My friend and I stopped to check-out the sign posted outside of a bar that was celebrating New Years. We were curious about the place, but we weren’t yet convinced; we had a location set in our minds that would be a bit more current, so we continued on our way - only to be unable to find this place at all. Strike one for Google Maps. We chose another location listed by Google Maps that was close by and again we came to another dead-end, not even a neon sign in sight.

Strike two Google Maps.

With the time getting close to midnight, what are we to do? Rather than have Google Maps strike out, we decided to head back to the bar we found on our way to the ghost destinations, which I now call the Google Maps ghost results.

The bar we stumbled upon was called the

Soul Museum RGB Tokyo or RGB Tokyo for short.

R G B To k y o B a r i s l o c a t e d a t 2 Chome-7-7 Yaesu, Chuo-ku, Tokyo, Japan 104-0028 (conveniently next to a 7-eleven) but you wouldn’t know it’s there if it wasn’t for the loud tunes coming from the bottom of the stairs. The owner of the bar explained to us in English, which is always nice in a foreign country, the entrance fee, the prices of drinks, and which DJs were coming in to play that night. The price of entry was 2500Y, about $25, which included one frre-drink ticket. During such a popular holiday, I thought the drinks were reasonably priced. A few of the highest drinks cost 800Y, about $8, and the lowest cost for soft drinks is 500Y, about $5. The rest of the drinks on the menu are priced in between.

cont...

14

We

paid the owner and entered the bar to find people, mostly in their late 40s to 60s, getting down on the dance floor.

You could say we were the odd, young ones out in this bar, but it only felt like that for a brief moment because the atmosphere was just right. The music had that get your groove on like nobodies watching, because no one here will judge you vibe. It was surprising to see how this music had not only influenced a generation in the States, but also overseas in Japan as well.

Besides the music being great, the people there were lively and friendly.

A few were even eager to speak to us in English which made the experience even better. The countdown was approaching, so champagne and small pop streamers were given to everyone in the bar. It may not have been an extravagant countdown with fireworks or watching the ball drop in New York but you couldn’t ask for a better experience in this great atmosphere, friendly people and great music to bring in the New Year!

After the countdown it was back to the dance floor, taking pictures and getting the contacts of our new friends, and talking with the best amount of

Japanese or English you had. You would think the youngest people in the bar would shut the place down but the old folks seemed to have more energy than us and partied even longer than we could.

This is a place I would definitely come back to whenever I’m in Tokyo and I want to go out to a bar. RGB Tokyo has their own website and Facebook page with information about their upcoming themed events and DJs. They have DJs that come and play soul, funk, and disco music from the late 70s to 90s.

To think we were set on going to some fancy club, but all we really needed was a little bit of soul. I felt the beginning of our search was a lesson. When you’re going toward a destination or goal, along the way you can end up finding a different path to follow. It could be for the best or the worst, but you won’t know if you don’t take a chance and try it.

SW.

15

Life After JET

AFTERBURNERS WHO ARE YOU?

KENNY BALLA USA 28

Meet Kenny - he likes licking crabs and punching fish.

He also loves toast, mangoes and Simon’s mum.

1. WHERE DID YOU SERVE YOUR TIME?

HOW LONG WAS YOUR SENTENCE?

Maruoka Castle

2 years

2. FOLLOWING YOUR RELEASE BACK INTO THE WILD, WHERE HAVE YOU YOURSELF AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ATL, Master’s degree, work with refugees, work at CARE, work at Center for Puppetry Arts 3. WHERE DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHAT? Vanuatu, SCUBA diving

4. WHO DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHO? MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME

BANK ACC. NUMBER

PIN CODE

3-DIGIT SECURITY CODE

Butts

69xxxslimshady

1234

666

Me, my girlfriend Amanda

16

LIFE IN JAPAN

5. WHAT IS YOUR ‘ONE THING TO DO BEFORE YOU LEAVE FUKUI/JAPAN’?

Fukui – Eat sauce katsudon set at Oomiyatei in Maruoka.

Japan – Fuck a Tenga while getting a massage at Soapland.

6. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT IN FUKUI? Oomiyatei 28 Soba 7. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST AND LEAST ABOUT JAPAN? MOST - Food

LEAST - When Japanese girls talk in that annoying high pitch squeal.

8. FAVOURITE JAPANESE WORD AND WHY? マンコ - because one time I thought I was telling my students about all the delicious mangoes in the Philippines and they interpreted it completely differently.

9. FAVOURITE STUDENT MISTAKE

10. FAVOURITE JTE MISTAKE Ditto.

Can’t remember.

11. FAVOURITE OWN JAPANESE FAUX-PAS Walking home drunk in my village and drinking up the water at the Buddhist temple at 2am to rehydrate myself with the spoon thing.

Kenny s gonna punch your face in when he finds out about this!

So you said you were from Echizen right?

12. FAVOURITE ALT QUOTE “Licking echizengani” – Leroy Krind and John Rothgeb.

17

13. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT ANOTHER ALT Any of Serpico’s stories.

14. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT YOURSELF

A.K.A.

This is more coincidentally funny but I saw the new Great Gatsby movie and while riding home on my bike I got hit by a car. Lol. The dude was coming out of a pachinko parlor and when he realized I was a foreigner he lost his shit.

15. ONE REGRET

16. BEST MOMENT/ EXPERIENCE IN JAPAN

Never going to Shiretoko. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there now…

Pika-pika-Pikachu

Couchsurfing with a family in the middle of nowhere in Tottori.

17. BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN JAPAN

18. BEST PIECE OF ADVICE YOU WERE GIVEN

Climbing lots of mountains.

Only a fool climbs Mt Fuji twice.

Baller

19. BEST ADVICE YOU CAN OFFER Eat all the food, climb all the mountains, get lost alone in the middle of nowhere and make a friend there.

Prince Tenga Heart

20. DESCRIBE JAPAN IN 3 WORDS STARTING WITH “S” Scrumptious Spirit

Sad 18

GETTING PERSONAL 25. IF YOU WERE JAPANESE WHAT WOULD YOUR NAME BE?

21. WHICH CURRENT/FORMER JET WOULD YOU LIKE TO...

Kiss

Give a dead arm to

Marry

Mike Kuziw because it’d make James super jealous.

Leroy Krind - because he left Atlanta to go back.

Simon’s mum (community member right?!)

[Guess it would save you money in the long run -ED.]

ケニ 22. DID YOU EVER HOOK-UP WITH A JAPANESE LOCAL?

IF “YES” WHAT IS THEIR LINE ID?

ADDITIONAL...

Yes

I don’t have Line anymore.

One was my Japanese tutor, oops!

23. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ANIMALS WOULD YOU PREFER TO BE ATTACKED BY AND WHY? A shark in the sea

A croc in a river

A lion in the savannah

A shark - punch it in the nose.

24. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A LIVE LOBSTER FOR A HAND OR A TOASTER FOR A FOOT? Toaster! I fucking love toast!

26. HOW WOULD YOU BEST DESCRIBE YOURSELF USING A FLAVOUR OF HERBAL TEA BAG? Moroccan Mint

27. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SAYINGS WOULD YOU MOST ASCRIBE TO? A) Never trust a capuchin mokey weidling a machete.

B) You can’t judge an onigiri by it’s seaweed

C) When one door closes, another opens, but if it doesn’t then go through the window (but open it first).

Answer: C

28. DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN 3 WORDS ALL BEGINNING WITH “X” Xenotropic

Xenomorph

Xyloid 19

FUKUI MARCH 23RD - 30TH

EXCREMENTAL: FAECES MATTER

by Kathryn Elizabeth

20

KATHRYN ELIZABETH’S EXCREMENTAL EXHIBITION: FAECES MATTERS Since the opening debut in Paris last summer Kathryn Elizabeth’s Excremental Exhibition: Faeces Matter has been touring the world and garnering rave reviews across the board.

“She has a natural eye for finding beauty that emanates from the most mundane and unexpected of places - in this case a dog’s rectum.”

Regina Oslo

“As long as dogs keep shitting, and she keeps clicking, the world will remain a more beautiful place.”

Robert Hughes

“I don’t believe that

I have a particularly special talent, it’s

more about looking “What this girl doesn’t know about photographing poop, you could write on a postage stamp - with your finger in

at the world in a

different and unique way - that’s all

really.”

your own excrement.”

David Bailey

“It really is the shit!”

Sir Elton John

21

FUKUI EXHIBIT INFORMATION Faeces Matters will be held at the Unko Kaikan Exhibition Halls in Fukui city from March 23rd until March 30th.

Tickets are required for the opening night, midweek artist signing session and closing night. for further enquiries e-mail itsnotjustpoo@yapoo.com Special Exhibition Room Exclusive to the Fukui Exhibition. A sample of Kathryn Elizabeth s more controversial works will be displayed.

An exclusive opportunity to view her latest pieces that mark a deliberate move towards political commentary.

One in the hand

22

Two in the Bush

Eat Shit: A Dirty Protest

NEW 2015 EXHIBITS

WHITE GOLD. This was taken whilst I was walking through the British heathlands in Lavenham. It was just after sunrise when I spotted it under the shade of a silver birch.

AFTERNOON DELIGHT. I was on my morning jog when I saw something glistening in the remnants of the morning rain. I immediately ran back to fetch my camera so I could capture it before a squirrel or a bum ate it.

PAVEMENT PRECIOUS. An old lady was about to bag this one up, but I persuaded to wait a few extra moments. The strange thing was, she didn’t have a dog with her.

No. 110 price 35,500.00

No. 112 price 28,000.00

No. 114 price: 25,500.00

CARPET COIL. The contrast in the this composition reflects the evolutionary process dogs have undergone to become the most successfully domesticated species.

SILVER LOG. This treasure I found in a national park in Switzerland. It has an undeniable air of sophistication and maturity. If it was a man he would take you to a wine-tasting soiree before heading out to a classical jazz concert.

No. 124 price 32,000.00

MOM. This one I call Mom, because depending on which way you look at it, it could be the Katakana symbol for ma or mu mamu - mom.

ONE MAN’S CASTLE. Many people don't appreciate that dog faeces means so much more than an annoyance not to be stepped in, such as these hook worms. To them this piece of bowel art is their citadel.

PINK WITH CORN. Sometimes there is no need to analyze. Sometimes we can just sit back and appreciate beauty in it’s rawest form, and this piece is one of those times.

No. 134 price 35,500.00

No. 136 price 34,000.00

MAKING A POINT. It’s plain to see this was created by a dog with something to say.

Form like this doesn’t happen by accident. Clearly frustrated by it’s inability to communicate orally this dog chose to express itself anally.

No. 114

price: 32,000.00

No. 122 price 37,000.00

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No. 126 price: 26,000.00

Life After JET

AFTERBURNERS WHO ARE YOU?

MARK O’HARA HAWAII 25

Meet Mark... he likes combinis, taking his shirt off and Simon’s mum.

He doesn’t like sweating, and never declines an invite!

1. WHERE DID YOU SERVE YOUR TIME?

HOW LONG WAS YOUR SENTENCE?

Katsuyama

3 years

2. FOLLOWING YOUR RELEASE BACK INTO THE WILD, WHERE HAVE YOU YOURSELF AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Hawaii- teaching Japanese (why wasn’t I an ALT!?)

3. WHERE DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHAT? SkiJam Snowboarding

4. WHO DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHO?

MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME

BANK ACC. NUMBER

PIN CODE

3-DIGIT SECURITY CODE

Jenny

8765309

wait a minute...

No!

A Fukuiraptor… everyone ;) I would have put Simon’s mom, but I met her and she’s a nice lady.

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LIFE IN JAPAN

5. WHAT IS YOUR ‘ONE THING TO DO BEFORE YOU LEAVE FUKUI/JAPAN’?

Fukui – Get on the stage and play some drums at Sagicho Festival

Japan – Go on a trip by yourself

6. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT IN FUKUI? Just try everything once

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST AND LEAST ABOUT JAPAN? MOST - The friends I left… but also conbinis!

LEAST - Sweat in the summer or being cold indoors in the winter

8. FAVOURITE JAPANESE WORD AND WHY? がんばれ because it means so much more than “do your best”

Wait... is this another lame pussy joke?

9. FAVOURITE STUDENT MISTAKE A student read my name-card backwards and thought I was クーマ (bear)

No, I think it’s a movie pun reference.

Geddit?

I see... well spotted!

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10. FAVOURITE JTE MISTAKE

11. FAVOURITE OWN JAPANESE FAUX-PAS

no comment available

no comment available 12. FAVOURITE ALT QUOTE

A.K.A.

“Shirts off! Party on!”

13. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT ANOTHER ALT Way too many. Mostly involving alcohol or slightly off Japanese-English translation.

14. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT YOURSELF

Dark Mark Aurelius

During my first week as a CIR, I had to translate a speech for the Mayor of Katsuyama in a meeting with a visiting pharmaceutical company CEO. It was during the summer and I was so nervous that I sweat through my shirt within the first 5 mins. Great first impression.

16. BEST MOMENT/ EXPERIENCE IN JAPAN

15. ONE REGRET Not travelling around Asia.

Too many to pick one.

17. BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN JAPAN

18. BEST PIECE OF ADVICE YOU WERE GIVEN

I’m too humble to brag :P

Try not to decline invitations. You never know what you’re missing!

The Flyin’ Hawaiian

19. BEST ADVICE YOU CAN OFFER no comment available

20. DESCRIBE JAPAN IN 3 WORDS STARTING WITH “S” Good-looking Mark

Structured Safe Seasons 26

GETTING PERSONAL 22. DID YOU EVER HOOK-UP WITH A JAPANESE LOCAL?

21. WHICH CURRENT/FORMER JET WOULD YOU LIKE TO...

Kiss

Give a dead arm to

Marry

Oh… you know ;)

Not sure what this means…

Like hand them the arm of a dead guy?

Who’s got money?

[Seriously, can we just leave my mum out this now please.

-ED.]

Define “hook-up”...

23. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ANIMALS WOULD YOU PREFER TO BE ATTACKED BY AND WHY? A shark in the sea

A croc in a river

A lion in the savannah

Lion in the Savannah (best chance of survival?)

24. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A LIVE LOBSTER FOR A HAND OR A TOASTER FOR A FOOT? Toaster! So much more useful!

25. IF YOU WERE JAPANESE WHAT WOULD YOUR NAME BE?

26. HOW WOULD YOU BEST DESCRIBE YOURSELF USING A FLAVOUR OF HERBAL TEA BAG?

I am… sorta…

Minty delight 27. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SAYINGS WOULD YOU MOST ASCRIBE TO? A) Never trust a capuchin mokey weidling a machete.

B) You can’t judge an onigiri by it’s seaweed

C) When one door closes, another opens, but if it doesn’t then go through the window (but open it first).

Answer: B

28. DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN 3 WORDS ALL BEGINNING WITH “X” X-man

X-ray

X-rated?

Wait... no...

27

The Cycling Diaries words and pictures by Stuart Meadows

Day 1. Fukui -> Kurobe (Toyama) I was sad to say goodbye to Ashley but glad to be on the road, nice weather, too. Got to Kanazawa really quickly, stopped for an early

Hallå

lunch. I forgot my riding glasses, getting sunburnt, and the dust and wind had taken the top layer of my eyeball off, which now resembled a Fukui waterfall. Not in the best mood. Arrived in Toyama before 4pm where I met my host for the first night. He suggested cycling the last 40km to Kurobe together. 7 foot tall, muscular, nerd… the worst kind.

After speaking to him for 5 minutes I realise this will be a long night.

What an idiot! Every so often he would spit out some Swedish, which he is learning because his, “Intellect isn’t catered to” in Japan. I don’t know Swedish though so at first I just thought he was having a stroke.

He kept stopping every 45 minutes to crack some raw eggs and down a

A weird Swede. (Not the actual man from the story - just an artist’s interpretation).

protein shake. Got home and exaggerated my tiredness so got straight to bed and didn’t have to speak to him. Slept in his “gym-room”

!

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!

Day 2. Kurobe -> Niigata Tried to creep out of the house but he caught me. Swedish salutations.

Eyes were fine, but now I had nipple issues. Asked lady in combini for a plaster, tried to sell me a box of 25 although I only needed one. Finally she waddled through the back and returned with one, and aiming for a wound on my arm, insisted she put it on, perhaps suspecting plaster fraud. I then unzipped my top and showed her my left nipple. Not knowing the word for ‘chafe’ or ‘rub’, I just told her "it hurts all day long". She handed me the plaster and I applied it myself.

Coach full of people watched as I cycled in front of them and adjusted my bike shorts so the padding hugged my bum crack. A few disgusted looks as they passed. Met them again at traffic lights on and off for 15 mins. The disgusted looks returned each time they saw me. Maybe the image of my bum adjustment was resurfacing.

Got a puncture, but eventually flagged down a cyclist and stole his only gas cartridge to refill before cycling off leaving him to repack. Felt bad but had to rush for the ferry.

Got on the ferry to Sado island from Naoetsu , and was surrounded by Japanese Hell’s Angels. I was intimidated, then I heard a bouncy song of chirpy birds coming from his pockets. His cute ringtone.

Nobody, including his macho mates, seemed to find this weird except me.

Cycled around Sado and got to the other end just in time for the ferry to Niigata where I stayed at the house of an ex-student’s grandmother.

!

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Day 3. Niigata – Tsuruoka (Yamagata) Left late today. But managed to buy sunglasses. Started raining shortly afterwards.

Sitting at a combini eating peach. With legs open. Washed hands with water bottle. Moved onto ice cream. Some old lady got out her car and started laughing at me. Guessed it was because I was foreign. I said hello and she scurried away. It was only after I stood up that I realised it looked like I had pissed myself from where I washed my hands.

Oh well!

Night riding. Felt safe until bear mountain. Noises all over the place.

First thing I noticed is there were a lot of fatties in Yamagata. Dunno what they eat up here but they get plenty of it. Stayed with a Scottish couchsurfer. Ironically, she wasn’t fat.

Day 4 Tsuruoka -> Akita I don't know why this felt so tough. But I was rewarded with an amazing festival in Akita City.

Stayed in a cyber cafe after discovering the original place I planned to stay had been bulldozed.

Body is like a machine. Food in, and when I'm using so much energy a very efficient and minimal waste.

Although I did notice that while farting did offer extra propulsion, it also create a stench like someone had tried to shove a dead animal up there, but gone too far in, got stuck, and starved to death. And now they were both rotting slowly up there together.

!

30

!

Day 5 Akita -> Aomori Left at 4:30. Good bike lights. Great for making yourself visible, but terrible for the same reason. In the early morning, anyone that was up saw me cycling through red lights, and passing by several times as I struggled to find the correct route. Glad I left early as the roads were quiet and the nature was nice. I also managed to get 2 hours in before the rain came again and slowed everything down.

Feeling good today. David Attenborough moments with birds flying around 33km/h alongside me.

Unfortunately dragonflies and butterflies can't fly as fast, as I watched several disintegrate between the spokes of my wheels. Turns out dragonflies are dry and crackly, and butterflies are wet and sticky.

Went up a muddy path and heard gun shots. Quickly turned around. I told an old farmer lady I met 5 minutes down the road and she told me they were probably killing boar that have been caught overnight.

Went to the disabled toilet at the combini because it has more space for me. But I found a disaster. I don't care how disabled you are, there is no excuse for the mess that I found in there.

Saw another great festival in Aomori tonight. Preferred Akita’s though.

Day 6 Aomori -> Mori (Hokkaido) After meeting with a friend and enjoying a festival last night. Another Internet cafe was used. The thunderstorms were here when I woke but I managed to get to the ferry terminal. There I hand washed my socks and pants in the bathroom sink and tried to dry them in one of those high speed hand driers. It took ages and didn't work. I felt embarrassed at first, but one guy came in every 5 minutes to shit his insides out and I figured he must be feeling more embarrassed than I. Then half way through a man came to me and asked to use the drier. I felt bad and said of course. He pulled out a wet T shirt and started drying it.

I came in later to find the t-shirt man drying his cut-off jeans. Tonight I am sleeping on a fat girl’s air ! mat. Fortunately that’s not a euphemism, it is just an air mat.

31

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Day 7 Mori -> Toyako Woke up to the sound of rain, a friendly host, and a friendly cat. Turns out she had competed in some Japanese sumo competitions, which I was quite impressed by – the host, not the cat. The airmat deflated several times through the night, so I had to stand up and re-inflate.

Low motivation, scary traffic, and badly maintained roads. If I can get half way to Sapporo today, it'll be a good result. A giant spider and a combini door that sounded like a pterodactyl lifted my spirits. It's starting to look a lot more like Scotland now.

I’ve noticed that using my energy gels has an instant effect. I can feel the sugar hitting my bloodstream and the lift of energy. I remember reading that if a diabetic goes into a hypo-glycogenic state and starts fitting, you should shove a sweet in their mouth and they will regain consciousness within seconds. I didn’t believe it but now I do. I hope I can find a fitting diabetic during this trip to test this.

Just found out that my Lawson card gets 30 yen off coffee. !

Reached Toyako which is already one of my favourite places I have been in Japan. Beautiful views, lots of art all over the place, and amazing onsens. There is also a lot of geographical interest because of the active volcanos. Something for everyone. !

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!

Day 8. Toyako - Sapporo Spent the night in a bus stop. Was alright. Better than the air mat.

Feeling emotional, in a good way. Loved seeing the fog hanging above the lake this morning.

Also thinking about how many ants are in the world. I think it's probably a lot.

Stopped to soak my feet in a foot-bath by the road.

From then, knowing I only had 1 hour left was good. Stopped off at isolated road-side stalls in the mountains to buy fruit from old farmers. People are always impressed to hear about my trip. But truth is I am just as surprised when I hear the words come out my mouth. I can’t believe how much beauty I’ve seen.

Arrived at the station. Underwhelmed despite Sapporo being beautiful. Maybe because I’m wet and have been every day since Akita. But proud. Wish I had thought more about an end point.

With that in mind I headed straight for the beer museum. They wouldn't serve me beer though because I was obviously a cyclist.

Met my host for the night and went for soup curry... Oh lord it was nice. Offered to pay to say 'thanks'… 4,400 yen, shit! I graciously accepted when she offered to contribute 1000.

!

33

!

Day 9 (Sapporo -> Tomakomai) Rain again. That’s 6 days in a row. Today will be a short 70km run. Left Sapporo mid-morning and headed for Tomakomai Port. I found out I had to book my ferry 8 hours in advance at the ticket window.

I took a leisurely pace and got there with an hour to spare. But it's the wrong terminal. The correct one is 25km away. “Here, use this shitty map.”

I rushed literally cycling as hard as I could all the way. Stopped for a piss. Dunno why I have

almost pissed my pants several times in the last week. Got there but there was no terminal to be seen.

Searched google maps. It was the other side of the bay. A hurried ten minute cycle. Still nothing.

Just industries. Cycled back to the original place.

Asked someone working at a factory. He pointed me back to the other side of the bay. I was getting so angry. Heightened emotions. But it didn't matter. The ferries were cancelled until Monday because of the approaching typhoon. That meant two more days in Hokkaido. With no money.

But I saw a family of foxes. Life is good.

A family of foxes. (Not the actual foxes Stuart saw - just an artist’s interpretation).

Day 10 Tomakomai and Noboribetsu Through the advice of my new Sapporo friend, I went to Noboribestu. It’s a highly volcanic area with prehistoric-looking hot springs. Cool place. Earthquake. Heavy rain and high winds as the typhoon hits.

COLD rain, and thunder. I spoke to myself a lot and spoke to “God”. Came to the conclusion that he doesn’t exist but that didn’t stop me talking to him for the remainder of the journey back to Tomakomai, took more than twice as long as the outward trip.

Day 11 Tomakomai -> ferry port Again back out to the ferry port. Ferry will run this evening. So I go back to the town, drink Starbucks. On the way back to the ferry I saw some local hillbillies. A small group of about 15 people and they all had the same face.

Raised questions. ! a few nice people on the ferry.

Met 34

!

Day 12 Ferry -> Tsuruga -> home Woke up to hear a man speaking English in the bunk next to me. Turns out he lived in the States for several years. His 6 year old boy came over. I was feeling nauseated. “Stuart this is Kazu”. I avoided vomiting on him only by standing up and leaving for the toilet without saying anything.

Ferry finally arrived in Tsuruga about 25 hours after it left Hokkaido. It was dark, but warm and traffic was quiet. I felt great, and the realisation of what I had just spent my last 11 days doing started to sink in. I went into a combini on the Echizen coast just to tell the lonely staff members where I had been. They didn’t really care but pretended to be impressed. Tonight’s cycling was some of the best. By the sea, with the waves on one side and the shadows of tree-covered mountains on the other. Fukui is beautiful and I am lucky to have spent the past 4 years here.

Throughout the whole trip the emotions have been heightened. Now it’s elation. But during the low points the emotions were equally accentuated. Most of the time was spent with my own thoughts of bizarre things I had experienced and as a result I found myself regularly laughing to myself uncontrollably as I cycled.

As I came along the familiar roads I had cycled so many times before, I knew I was almost home. Fukui was on the signposts. When I stepped into my empty apartment, I knew the journey was over. But that it will not be my last.

There is nothing special about me, but there is something extremely special about what I experienced. I say it to everyone, but ANYONE can do this. You don’t need a special bike, or to be super fit. Take your time and set your own distance, but I can guarantee you that if you take on your own challenge, it will forever stay

Adjö

with you, as a rich and rewarding experience you could never regret.

Swedish Salutations!

!

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!

To belatedly celebrate McLoventines Day here are some poems for you to enjoy!

Roses are red Violets are blue Last year I went to Mount Fuji This year I want to Mount you!

by E. Plorer Roses are blood red but violence makes me blue I believe in making love not war So howabout it baby, just me and you

Roses are red Violets are blue You and I are stationery We are paper and glue

by Not A. Student

by Hippy Shake

Dorothy’s were red Elvis’s were blue It’s a case of putting your best forward When you don’t know what to do

Yarrgh roses be red And ye violets be blue They call me Long Dong Silver Want to find out if it’s true?

by M Bainbridge

Roses are red Violets are blue

by C.Hook

Because I love you so much

Roses are red Violets are blue My penis is mechanical Does not compute.

Ode to Kyle

by Private i

I’ll dump all my girlfriends just to be with you Roses are red But dees one is white Happy Valentine’s Day My sweet Katie White

by Casa Super Nova

Roses are red Violets are blue You look like little girl!

by Also Not A. Student

by Billy !

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!

Life After JET

AFTERBURNERS REBECCA CENTENO AMERICA 25

WHO ARE YOU?

Meet Becca - she thinks Heaven is wet and misty (which since it is suposed to be in the clouds is probably quite accurate).

1. WHERE DID YOU SERVE YOUR TIME?

HOW LONG WAS YOUR SENTENCE?

Ohi-cho and then Fukui City

2 amazing years

MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME

BANK ACC. NUMBER

Williamsononomm

123456789

PIN CODE

3-DIGIT SECURITY CODE

0000

@£$

2. FOLLOWING YOUR RELEASE BACK INTO THE WILD, WHERE HAVE YOU YOURSELF AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Currently, I'm in Melbourne, Australia living with the famous Daniel David Lim. As many know, we met while on the program and I decided that he was okay enough. So we moved in together and now I have to put up with him everyday! In all seriousness though, our lives out here have been full of great things: great opportunities, great friends, great foods, and this list could continue for a while. We are absolutely in love with our city and we're very lucky to be settled in the way we are. I currently study full-time towards my Masters in International Relations degree at the University of Melbourne and work part time at an amazing restaurant called Huxtaburger (and they pay oh so very well here in Australia). Dan is a Research Assistant in Botany at an ecological consultancy called Biosis.

He's basically living out his dream out here and I couldn't be more proud of him. We sorely miss Japan everyday though and wish there was someway to bring everyone together. Our experience in Japan helps us every single day from small interactions (like helping a Japanese tourist find the bank) to bigger life motivations (such as finding the strength to deal with a tough situation because you were able to get through the same thing in Japan).

Everyone's story is different after Japan, but one thing sure is the same: Our Japan/JET experiences only make us stronger. By the way, sorry if my English is sub-par. Everyone knows your English is top level while you're teaching it, but not so much after you stop being a teacher. ;) 37

3. WHERE DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHAT? Honestly, I don't wish I were anywhere else or doing anything else. I'm doing exactly what I want to do and I love Melbourne. Of course there's places yet to be explored and adventures yet to be had, but I'm meant to be here for now.

I totally believe that everything happens for a reason, and Dan and I were able to move here and do well because every door opened up wide for us. If I had tried to go anywhere else, I reckon that door would be pretty hard to open. If those opportunities didn't present itself for Melbourne, I would have been happy with whichever place seemed to work best. Ya know what I mean, homie?

4. WHO DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHO? Oooooo... good question. I'll get back to you on that one.

LIFE IN JAPAN 5. WHAT IS YOUR ‘ONE THING TO DO BEFORE YOU LEAVE FUKUI/JAPAN’?

FUKUI - EAT SAUCE KATSUDON AND ECHIZEN OROSHI SOBA EVERY CHANCE YOU GET!!! I can't emphasize enough how impossible it is to find that stuff outside of Japan, let alone Fukui.

Eat up the local dishes as much as you can. Your belly will be happy you did.

JAPAN - I hate to sound cliché, but eat up all the sushi! You know how impossibly hard it is to find decent sushi outside of Japan?! And if you do find a good place, it'll cost you an arm and a leg. Even here in Australia (and NZ) where they boast about having good seafood, it's nothing compared to Japan. Also visit onsens often and enjoy them as much as you can. You can find a couple "onsens" outside of Japan, but the level of comfort, variety of baths, and scenery just can't be beat. Plus, having a little glass of milk after a hot onsen is probably the most heavenly, blissful feeling in the world. I'm really sorry I couldn't just pick one!

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6. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT IN FUKUI? Traditional food: Yushin near Undo Koen.

Otherwise, Hamburgerland aka E.Y.'s American Grill 7. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST AND LEAST ABOUT JAPAN? MOST - The people and the level of safety and comfort you feel walking around there.

Plus everything else I listed above.

LEAST - The heat and humidity during the summer and how ATMs close early.

8. FAVOURITE JAPANESE WORD AND WHY? “しょうがない” because it's just such a great phrase and it's helped me just get over things easily.

9. FAVOURITE STUDENT MISTAKE One of my students wrote at the end of his letter to me, "My roses while I'm away." Not really a mistake but it's something that still makes me laugh to this day. How the heck did he learn that?!

10. FAVOURITE JTE MISTAKE One of my teachers was talking casually to a student and he was talking about dogs and how there's a runt of the litter. He didn't quite pronounce the "r" correctly and it was more like a "c." Yeah... I was mortified but I couldn't help but run away and laugh.

11. FAVOURITE OWN JAPANESE FAUX-PAS After a concert in Japan, everyone did the Japanese thing and started lining up for the train back to the main island. I was really tired and decided that I would just pretend to be an oblivious gaijin and walk ahead, because it didn't seem like an organized line yet. We just walked straight up to the stairs of the train right as they were beginning to put up barriers to keep people in line. Whoops... Never did that again.

12. FAVOURITE ALT QUOTE "Apparently it shows gratitude if you gratefully slurp it up" - Shaun 39

13. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT ANOTHER ALT The time when Dan and Jonny slept outside in the freezing cold in Jonny's car because drunk Dan thought he didn't have his keys. When they wake up, they start wondering where they could be, and then Dan says, "OH! There they are!" Turns out it was the same keys that Jonny had asked Dan if they were his house keys before just before they decided to sleep outside. Good going Dan. 14. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT YOURSELF The little kids I taught my first year would always touch my butt, which I didn't mind much cause it was kinda funny. One day though, I was walking out of the gym and this little girl had her arms out. I thought she wanted a hug so I bent down to give one. Instead, she goes straight for my chest, grabs them, and says, "楽 しかった！！” 15. ONE REGRET Never going to Cafe Mare and eating their crab soup bowl. So much regret!!

16. BEST MOMENT/EXPERIENCE IN JAPAN There's so many but I guess I would have to say when Dan and I went to the Noto Peninsula for our anniversary. We went to an onsen out there called Lamp No Yado. Hands down my favorite onsen experience ever. We were lucky too because it started raining and we had an outdoor rotenburo as part of our room. Sitting in an hot wooden tub while it lightly rains, and looking out into this mix of vivid blue ocean and misty skies on the coast of Japan was heaven. That must be what heaven is like.

17. BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN JAPAN Getting close to some students and actually becoming good friends to the point that we still keep in touch often, and I still help them out with essays and the like. When someone says to you that you're the reason they're doing what they want in life... well there's just no words to describe how great that feels.

40

18. BEST PIECE OF ADVICE YOU WERE GIVEN To never isolate myself, especially during the harsh winters. It's so easy to become bitter and complain at little things, but if you constantly surround yourself with friends and loved ones, then your time in Japan will be great. Sure there are some hard times, but I look back on my experience with a full heart and a big smile because most of my time there was filled with wonderful people.

19. BEST ADVICE YOU CAN OFFER TRAVEL AROUND JAPAN!!!

Visit every prefecture, try out the many top 100 lists, venture out to the small islands off the coast, and just do all the in-between because you might never get the chance to do so again. I'm so glad we didn't stay put in Fukui every single weekend. There's so much more to see and do! Go do it all!!

20. DESCRIBE JAPAN IN 3 WORDS STARTING WITH “S” 素晴らし

幸せ

スーパー!!!!!!!

41

21. WHICH CURRENT/FORMER JET WOULD YOU LIKE TO...

GETTING PERSONAL 22. DID YOU EVER HOOK-UP WITH A JAPANESE LOCAL? Yeah, but before JET ;)

Kiss

Give a dead arm to

Marry

Dan cause that probably makes the most sense.

Ken, because he almost killed Dan in a bike accident...

Jerk!

Tomomi, so then I won’t ever have to worry about food again! Sauce katsudon everyday, all day!

23. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ANIMALS WOULD YOU PREFER TO BE ATTACKED BY AND WHY? A shark in the sea

A croc in a river

A lion in the savannah

Probably a shark because at least I can try to swim away, and sharks don't actually like to eat humans anyway.

24. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A LIVE LOBSTER FOR A HAND OR A TOASTER FOR A FOOT? I would have to go with a toaster for a foot so that I can wake up and have some toast and jam ready for breakfast. So efficient!!

25. IF YOU WERE JAPANESE WHAT WOULD YOUR NAME BE? I always liked the name Chihiro or Yuna.

26. HOW WOULD YOU BEST DESCRIBE YOURSELF USING A FLAVOUR OF HERBAL TEA BAG? Hmmm... I guess I'm like Yuzu Green tea.

Yeah.

27. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SAYINGS WOULD YOU MOST ASCRIBE TO? A) Never trust a capuchin mokey weidling a machete.

B) You can’t judge an onigiri by it’s seaweed

C) When one door closes, another opens, but if it doesn’t then go through the window (but open it first).

Answer: C

28. DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN 3 WORDS ALL BEGINNING WITH “X” XXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXX 42

REVENGE UPON RICE words by Megan Daniel

There are many things that people detest in this world: parking 4ckets, bad spelling, being volunteered by a friend to do something you really don’t want to do, that stupid new 1 Direc4on song all of your kids keep singing…

things such as chat over piping hot sukiyaki and build Olaf, the beloved snowman from Frozen—not at the same 4me of course. But, the most rewarding, the most sa4sfying moments were when I finally got the revenge that I so desperately desired.

All of these pale in comparison to the one great evils that has perpetuated all of human existence, the reason for wars and devasta4on, the reason that brilliant minds are driven to the point of insanity.

And, that thing, my dear friends, is the evil of monotony. And, in par4cular, the monotony of having white rice at every single meal of every single day is about enough to push anyone over the edge.

But, in a world that celebrates conformity and cringes at the thought of a liCle variety, how is one to exact revenge upon the tedium that is white rice?

Well, one day in December, I found that chance. By sheer happenstance, I was invited to the family home of one of my JTEs to help make New Year’s mochi.

During that 4me, I did pleasant, fanciful

When the mochi mallet was placed in my hands, I knew that I was wielding a mighty weapon. As I looked down at the poor, defenseless, globs of rice in the simple wooden mochi barrel, I knew that it had no place to hide. It would be punished. I slowly raised the mochi mallet high in the air, feeling the weight and the strain on my poorly exercised muscles. Gaining momentum, I let it fall towards my vic4m, but to no avail. I had missed, and chipped the wood of the surrounding barrel.

43

Not to be deterred by my ini4al failure, I once again liRed the mallet over my head, carefully aiming where it would fall. And,

circles of mochi. And, since the family I stayed with was kind enough to let me take home some of the remains, I had yet another chance to add insult to injury. I baked the mochi, rolled it flat with a rolling pin, put sauce and cheese on it, and made pizza. And as I ate that mochi pizza, my enemy, my nemesis, could no longer be detected. I had won!

with a mighty blow, it slammed hard against my glu4nous vic4m before it ever had 4me to escape. An overwhelming feeling of sa4sfac4on flooded my body, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more. I needed to punish it severely for appearing at every school lunch I ever ate, for being served to me with spagheT, for constantly appearing to torment me. So, in a fit of insanity, I brandished the mochi mallet, again and again, smashing, destroying the white rice that lay before me un4l it was nothing more than steaming, white pulp.

However, my job was far from done. I needed to fashion it, to re-­‐form it into something palatable that would not (Don’t worry. I’m not really a crazy rice haunt my dreams. So, with some super killer. But, seriously? Rice as a side dish cute kids and grandmothers, I shaped to spagheT?) MD. that glu4nous pulp into small, while 44

My Sister's Voice words by Martin Boyce

O

ne day, years past the age at which she should have learned the sea had

“no back door”1, my sister walked into it and kept walking until her body appeared lifeless in a fisherman's net. This is how I always imagined she'd have ended up if the fishermen (whose true profession was draining their glasses) had not seen from the rum shop on the beach, her head go under the surface of the Caribbean Sea and stay there.

Michelle, so-called in the fashion of naming twins, to meet my Michael half-way, had beat the odds that afternoon in favour of preventing her from leaving a house by making sure all doors to the outside were closed - locking them was unnecessary for she had not, at that time, any interest in pushing down on handles far less more turning knobs. Surfaces on which she could deposit spit for repeated finger tapping and any solid deemed through her altered filter to be edible - possible fuel for the demon that raged within - these are the things to which she might have paid attention. No, at least one door and the yard gate had to have been left open and, to stir a calculation that might motivate passing through them, more than likely, ajar.

Down the steps from the door to the yard and every green leaf, every fowl-cock-comb-red ginger lily, every gooseberry yellow fruit was black with blight and the immortal populations of ants guarding it. The rest of the yard belonged to the night which had, over the years, scratched holes in the grey earth from which would emerge whenever it rained, enormous, hairy, eight-legged crustaceans to wave their claws at each other. And, in the centre of this delightful garden, spanning its width, a lime tree you had to fight your way pass if you liked blighted fruit and stinging ants. If I were to have been made into a tree at this time in my life (a time at which such a thing would not have been a terrible surprise) I would have been that tree, my limbs covered in a skin of thorns and, in equal proportions, berries swollen with acid.

I would have stood next to that house, meant to have been built without windows, in the centre of that yard where grass refused to grow, where my roots would have eventually reached under the fence, down the road into the ocean and drained it dry. _______________________ 1 “The sea has no back door” is a saying which means that the sea shouldn’t be trifled with.

45

I

nstead, the sun had risen

again (even this day) on a human made up of boy parts. My skin was not

protected by thorns but had instead bruises, each the result of a lesson in how to get up, dust off and continue running. At first I am honing these skills where the castor oil trees no one planted or could be bothered to drag up by the roots gave way to the road.

One side of the hair on my mother's head, struck all morning with a metal comb taken directly from a stove fire until it is weak, was unable to resist being flattened around sometimes pink, sometimes yellow curlers. The other half is wild - the mane of an animal that will never be tamed, even if it is caught and well-treated for a very long time. She is telling a relative to run up the road toward the traffic to see if her daughter is there but she is waving her hands around, matching the hair, and so she may have been hollering.

Then I am standing on the beach. A man, whose skin resembled that of a jamun fruit left outside until the sun had drunk its insides, is half-swallowed by what had almost hidden my sister away for good. He is soon stumbling onto the shore with the girl, slipping from his arms. But before this, my barefoot mother in a blouse and pants once suitable for wearing outside where others might silently judge but say, “Where did you get that lovely outfit?” People who might, because it was now ackee stained, chopped off at the knees and full of holes, judge her loudly saying, “Mrs. Whitehall like she gone mad,” had they not seen her snatch away her dead-looking child, pounce up the embankment, sprint to an awaiting car and kick up dust in the direction of the hospital named after a queen.

“I ain' waitin' fuh no blasted ambulance! You mad or what?!” And that decision was made.

The next time I saw my mother's head, a scarf had been wrapped around it to halfhide it from the rest of the world. Her daughter was sitting next to her, left leg bent to the side, foot forced, toes fanned out against the headboard, wriggling the intravenous tube, screaming like three out of control fire engines. Someone else around the hospital bed said they'd breathed a sigh

of relief after hearing that she had regained consciousness and everyone agreed, even although not one of them would have to: change, at least twice on a good day, the disposable undergarments she wore for catching what her body could not use; rub her skin with soap; do a good job of brushing her teeth, if they could get her to open her mouth often enough for long enough; struggle to unhook her toes through the legs of her pants; push her limbs into the holes of a leotard so she could not reach into the diaper; place food in her mouth; get her to “sit properly” chew and swallow - not play with spit - because they had hand washed the clothes she'd soiled earlier and had them to pin on the line. Sigh of relief, even although Michelle still would not say a word... not even in her own defence.

The nameless thing with which no one could reason, invisible to human eyes and blamed for having called my sister out of the house to fill her up with salt water, was also said to be responsible for draining her of all her words - the ones she'd just started to make, not really words but the first sounds a child utters resembling them to people who already speak too much, and the ones with which she would have whispered lovingly or cursed, all gone - and just before I'd started to use mine. It was as if I, destined to always walk fifteen minutes behind, had picked up what had fallen through a hole in her pocket and pitched the rhyme that begins, “Finders keepers....”

46

W

hen it was the season for this, my

sister wept. And then she wept some more, her face grimacing at the taste of her own bitter tears because maybe a bottomless chasm into which she was being nudged had

opened up before her. It was a sound that could pass through concrete walls; trees, their knotted eyes still staring, fashioned into a chest of drawers; and the chicken feather stuffing of a pillow pressed tightly against the ears.

There was, however, no evidence she might with her next motion be forever falling through darkness—she did not measure her steps, darting from this room to that on tiptoe, leaving invisible footprints that were not human. Neither did she suffer for want of food, drink nor the comfort of someone to call her “Bugsly” a made up but affectionate nickname. She was not, so far as it was plain to see, in any pain - she did not limp when walking or press her hand against any body part as if to keep it from falling off. But what is pain when the wailing stops to make room for what was once thought to guarantee it?

“Lord havest mercy! What I gine do with you nuh?” Nothing to do but clean up the blood—first from the young woman, now in her early twenties, in the habit of biting into the brown skin covering her hands until it tried to defend itself by forming black scab on top of black scab and threaded through that course bristles like an old brush. But now only the stink and stain; only the scrubbing of the walls, the soaking of the

sheets and care not to spot with bleach your good clothes if on your way out the door.

When discovered in such a state, blood matting her hair in places, she would face those called to believe by seeing. Then, hiding her mouth with her hand as if she'd suddenly remembered she'd forgotten something important and with her eyes rolling around in her head, she would laugh.

Nothing to do but wonder what could have possessed her to do such a thing.

Maybe my sister was to be born lefthanded and owed the Devil a day's work but there was something in the fine print of her palm. I pondered the notion while on my way up a road forever into the sting of the sun. It seemed to have been carried on the wind this day, also a day on which twice I had heard someone call my name - a day on which twice I had looked around and seen no one.

I no longer live at the house in which I reached adult size because I was told that I had grown too big for my boots. By this time, however, my mother does not walk past, head straight, held high, not looking to the left or right when she sees me anywhere. She does not when she sees me in her house make phone calls of which I am the subject.

So I visit to remark, “The mango tree got on a lot of mangoes,” or “How my other half?” and to pick for her a crocus bag full or sit and watch Michelle lift a spoonful of split peas and rice and salt fish to her mouth, waiting to help near the end because she still will not gather together what remains.

Who thought they might live to see the day my sister spoke? Certainly not I, satisfied as I was to, for a break from the incessant shuffling of my thoughts which had become like very small pieces of a very large picture puzzle of leaves, imagine the way things might have been, not how they might someday be. My secrets would have been my sister's and hers mine. They would not have instead burnt, like hot coals that are black and do not look hot at all, deep holes that would never reach all the way through but burn black all the same. Her high heels would not be invisible; the bite marks on her hands and breasts would not have even been thought up and against this fine bird-like frame her best feature in this life would be ten times better in the one imagined - her hair - it would grow there like the fronds of a wild fern in gully light.

47

H

ow nice it was to now distract

myself with thoughts of my sister’s recovery. Over the years Michelle had not

only learnt how to feed herself, taking a plate of her favourite food (all food was still her favourite) to the table but she would also: hold the soap to rub her skin, the toothbrush to brush her teeth (another hand moving hers back and forth), a deodorant to her arm pits and put on her undergarments, pants and shirt. She had even begun again to make noises that sounded like they might someday soon turn out to be words. Oh and, “Look Michael! Michelle opened her bedroom door!”

How happy I might be without the other concerns. I had been for some time certain, and this was the main one, that something was following me. When I was young, I was warned that ‘the heartman’ came for bad children and so I was not surprised enough to make a sound when he, after having watched me from a far, did come and cut out my heart to give as a present to and so appease the Devil. Now it was different for I was not being followed because someone had looked at me and seen something they liked. Instead, I was to lead this thing (without knowing it) to where we would meet for the first time.

One doctor suggested once again that I return to another, after giving the disease I was sure had taken me over an old name. I did not trust doctors but because I had, through severe beatings as a child for being caught, learnt how to be a phenomenal liar, my collection of prescriptions which I traded for collections of pills of many different colours had grown. I would only swallow, however, in the form of tea, lemon grass or St. John's wort so I could sleep through my nightmares.

They came more frequently though but, in spite of them, I had slept away most of the daylight getting up this time because I’d sat up with a start - someone must have been at my apartment door. I picked up with my toes a shirt shed on the floor. I put it to my nose. It was too sour, another too stained with what might have been ketchup. The third would have to do.

“Coming!” I called out, trying to sound alert, as if I’d been awake for some time, but my voice broke from lack of use. I juggled it from my throat and swallowed it. How to not look like I'd been asleep all day? But it is OK to have a scrunched up face with vacant eyes when you are one of the other kinds of 'sick'.

The door swung out past a person I had known for as long as I'd been able to quickly identify and then add to a list of my numerous flaws. She wore all her titles at once: ‘Michelle’, ‘Bugsly’, ‘Twin Sister’, ‘Stop That’, ‘Where You Find That?’, ‘Sit Properly!’ and lastly, ‘My Other Half’. Her skin and that of the sky were the same - the colour of coals that look hot. Her hair grew like the mane of an animal that will never be tamed even if it is caught and well-treated for a very long time. It had almost used up all of her - the jutting cheek bones; the bulging orbs of her eyes.

48

My mouth opened but instead of the sound

of what I said...raindrops, chopping at an angle like a cutlass at everything that was a moment before silent: tin roofs; the fire hands of a breadfruit tree; a hedge of hibiscus flowers, tucked in for the night; people made pathways leading both toward and away from home simultaneously and Michelle...

“Michael.... Come it's his turn,” she said, her arm outstretched to take mine and make us one whole child again. Deeper into rain from which everyone else sought shelter we ran, punching footprints into sand peppered by the ashes of a neighbouring island's volcano to where we unhooked our matching outfits from the claws of the lime tree. We continued down into the recesses of the yard until the house, at which we were left in the hands of others sometimes, could fit on my free palm because we had climbed through a hole that went one way through the fence, like a trap for fish, and at last stopped by the river.

All light had been sucked into a sickle shape above. Everything was funeral colours including a shed full of damaged things so rendered useless, and, past the charcoal lime tree, the man with many face - all black scales of ash - who had counted backwards from ten and was on his way, “Ready or not,” he said.

“You go. There's only room for one.” It was through two loose floor boards. I would hide in the almost heart-shaped leaves at the tops of the mangroves stamped on the sky or, instead of this, step on a rotten branch that would take me to the bottom of the river.

I am in a glass room into which no one can see because it has filled with smoke I exhale in response to finding myself trapped.

In the one facing, a shadow stretches its arm over my sister hiding in a corner of the shed.

I try to warn her by striking the walls with my fists but my hands start to bleed. I spit on my wounds and they heal immediately, forming inverted nematocysts which fire when I attempt to scratch them off with my teeth. I scream but she does not hear me, instead the glass shatters to reveal identical walls behind which my sister is now having an argument about a boy our mother forbids her to love. In another glass box, she sits between our mother's legs and hands her pins to hold in the fronds of her fern hair, so that it is not itself. Eventually, there are more rooms than good reasons to keep count.

I am destined to walk on the tips of my toes over shards of glass. I carry saliva with two fingers to my feet as they take me toward the outer walls of a voice I no longer recognise as my own. The river has overrun its banks and gives way to the ocean. I am pushed into it and falter through the maze of my new born misgivings. I stop to rest in a garden of sometimish2 yellow eels in threepiece suits where I take turns propping my legs up against my shoulders. I have resigned myself to life in the darkest depths and close my eyes, completing my transformation into a form that is easily carried by their currents.

MB.

_______________________ 2

Regional Caribbean slang meaning ‘moody’ or ‘temperamental’.

49

March 2015

PRIVATE I

Case No. three

words and pictures by Private I

Editor’s Note:

To those of you new to the prefecture I feel it is my duty to educate you on the existence of Fukui’s No.1 investigative journalist who is known only as Private I. After being conspicuously absent from the last issue rumours were rife that PI must have been one of last year’s departing ALTs, and the reaction was a mixture of relieved sighs, and groans of disappointment.

Where you position yourself on PI’s work depends on what you have to hide from the Fukui public! Some call PI the crusading connoisseur of truth, and have nothing but respect for PI’s dogged, hellbent-drive to expose the scandalous and scurrilous scum of our fine prefecture. Whilst others consider PI an invasive, interfering gossip mongerer who’s only currency is other people’s secrets and misery.

All I can do is advise you to keep your nose clean, read on and decide for yourself... I just hope next time it isn’t you! -ED.

atical, my bb sa ng lo a on le hi W . ck ba “Private I” is rapidly as w m lis na ur jo to rn tu re motivation to ark I needed to sp e th , er ev ow H . ul so y m om flowing fr truth, along e th of t ui rs pu e th r fo n io ss pa reignite my buried in es ri te ys m e th e at id uc el to with the desire was fed a bitterI n he w e m ca n, tio la pu po the ALT wished to ho w t is nt ie sc l ca lo a om fr ff tasting tip-o to why as d te ba de I st fir t A s. ou remain anonym ch a foul-smelling su e at ig st ve in ld ou sh I e Privat g a few leads, in w llo fo r te af t bu n, io at rm fo nugget of in gget of nu g lin el m -s ul fo at th at th I soon realised h…. Truth nuggets. ut tr of l el sm e th as w n, io at inform you read the re fo be n w do g in tt si e ar u yo Make sure following story...

50

Private I Investigates e Kyle!) le = Artificial Intelligenc Exhibit A: I-Kyle (A:I Ky The evidence is clear.

Every year the technological capabilities of humankind improve. Computers become faster, energy depletion become s slower, and the sound of a baby’s cry becomes quieter. Yet still the (perhaps literally) ultimate goal of human-like artificial intelligence has remained out of ones grasp. After all, how can we reproduce something we don’t even understand?

However, shocking evidence has emerged that proves that there is artificial ‘intelligence’ present right here in our ALT community, in the form of “Super Boy” Kyle T Harris. Over the past couple of years, many have questioned his physical perfection, super-human abilities, and mechanical penis (as reported by the onsen CCTV operator).

All these traits have, in the past, been brushed off as a result of Kyle’s ‘All-American’ diet and lifestyle. However, at a recent ALT soccer tournament organised by Simon Woodgett, a group of Japanese females fought for Kyle’s used towels and garments. While this has become a common occurrence at ALT events, including teaching camps, it was the first time that our anonymous scientist was able to obtain a piece of Kyle’s clothing.

51

私は帰る！ Exibit C: Finally, Arnie’s most cryptic of lines makes sense if translated into Japanese then back to English...

“I am Kyle!”

Exhibit B: The reverse downward facing owl neck controversially condemned as physically impossible by grandmaster Yogi Bear.

“I remember fighting to get his headband with 3 other girls. Afte r a two hour long battle, they were dead and I was on the moon [sic] to have it!”

She explains. “I took the headband back to my lab, where I inte nded to sample the DNA and create my own little clone of Kyle to rais e in a cage and eventually father my children. However, I was shocked to discover no trace of DNA, but only a polymer residue. The chemicals whic h make up this polymer have only ever been found in children’s smil es until now.”

Scientist X also found several small plastic fibres imbedded in the headband that are believed to be the main compound that mak es up Kyle’s face. The compounds have a carbon date of 16 years, which leads to speculation that he is, in fact, a personification of the Y2K bug that spontaneously came into existence and previously went und etected until now. This claim explains the reason why nobody has ever seen a baby-picture of Kyle, as well as why he has not visibly aged duri ng these years.

Since this revelation we have received undercover pictures of Kyle’s activities, which in light of this recent evidence, support Kyle’s unnatural origin theory.

The question isn’t whether or not he is a cyborg, but rather, who made him, where did he come from, and where can I get one of those mechanical penises? And before we rush out to dismantle this creation, we need to ask whether it is fair. He hasn’t done anything wro ng; he has done nothing but give to society, is it really a crime to be an artifi cial intelligent being? I asked my dad and he says yes, it is. So pick up your pitchforks, and let’s meet next weekend as Asuwa River.

PI.52

Life After JET

AFTERBURNERS WHO ARE YOU? SQUEEZINGTON, 37TH OF HIS NAME WESTEROS - UNDER HOUSE WELLBY UNKNOWN - THE SQUEEZINGTON HOUSE LINE DOES NOT COMPREHEND AGE IN A LINEAR FASHION

Meet Squeezington - he seemingly aspires to be a bum and recommends it as a valid life choice.

He once had “a moment” with a caterpillar.

1. WHERE DID YOU SERVE YOUR TIME?

HOW LONG WAS YOUR SENTENCE?

House Frey/The Twins (aka Matsuoka/ Eiheiji-cho)

3 amazing years

MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME

BANK ACC. NUMBER

Only spoken in whisper

867-5309

PIN CODE

3-DIGIT SECURITY CODE

66

363

2. FOLLOWING YOUR RELEASE BACK INTO THE WILD, WHERE HAVE YOU YOURSELF AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Upon being cast from my bannerman’s house, I wandered the earth like a traveling ronin. I explored the reaches of the Pacific Northwest via boat, train, motorized three-wheeled go-kart, and horse. When I could not find what I had sought, I pursued the legend of a famed criminal lawyer in Albuquerque, for which I am barred from speaking of except in quiet whispers until after February 11th. When alas I again was stifled in my quest, I returned to the sands to watch the tide ebb and flow from the Golden Coast. Now, I spend my days under an artificial light, generating plans for many an entertainment student.

3. WHERE DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHAT? I wish at Hogwarts learning to be an Auror (but in all realism, I wish I was either being a monk at Eiheiji or balling out of control at the court between the pines with the Glimmerman) 53

4. WHO DO WISH YOU WERE, AND DOING WHO?

A.K.A.

I wish I was a man who could ball like Mike in his glory days, spend like Bill Gates on his bad days, write like Hemingway on his drunkest days, force people to think like Nietzsche on his smartest days, and be the best friend to any needs on their worst days. I’m not looking for infamy in history books; I’m looking for immortality in folks’ dreams. Doing whom? Who is but the form following the function of what and….

LIFE IN JAPAN

???

5. WHAT IS YOUR ‘ONE THING TO DO BEFORE YOU LEAVE FUKUI/JAPAN’?

FUKUI - Tell the people who meant the world to you in Fukui how you really feel about them since you never know when you might be able to say it to them in person again.

JAPAN - Sleep in a park in a city/hitchhike through the country

6. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT IN FUKUI? Yamaoka in Matsuoka (get the yakiniku-donburi)

???

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST AND LEAST ABOUT JAPAN? MOST - Onsens, cheese ramen, the silence, safety, driving “rules,” conversations when you need to actually say something, learning new words every day, cheap health coverage.

LEAST Incorrect medical diagnoses.

???

???

8. FAVOURITE JAPANESE WORD AND WHY? しなければならない か 無。だから、この二つの単語はとても面白い。 54

9. FAVOURITE STUDENT MISTAKE None that I can remember because I always tried to help them regardless.

10. FAVOURITE JTE MISTAKE Every time one of them tried to say “seat”

11. FAVOURITE OWN JAPANESE FAUX-PAS Being a JET (Think about it for a minute and you’ll understand)

12. FAVOURITE ALT QUOTE “Licking Echizen-gani” is a euphemism for cunnilingus right?” The Great Balla

I just want to lick you, I promise!

13. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT ANOTHER ALT That time in Niigata when Tom kept trying to shoot over one of the shortest people at the tournament.

He tried three times. Still couldn’t do it.

[He’s talking about the basketball... right Tom? - ED.]

14. FUNNY/EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT YOURSELF The time I woke up in a rice field with no idea how I got there, having unbolted the deadbolt on my door, pushed the two locks open (which was a two stage process), and getting down six flights of stairs. No alcohol, foul play, or other person was involved.

15. ONE REGRET 1. Not figuring out how I pulled the above series of events without a scratch or broke bone.

2. Only writing notes, instead of the books, of things I should have said to people.

55

16. BEST MOMENT/EXPERIENCE IN JAPAN 1. Listening to the monks chant at lunch-time while the rain fell outside Eiheiji Temple.

2. Meditating in the sculpture guard at Eiheiji Temple and, upon opening my eyes, and having a moment with a mamushi.

3. The first time I ate cheese ramen.

17. BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN JAPAN 1. Being rivaled by only Shaun McGuigan in eating prowess despite being noticeable shorter and weighing less.

2. Having the opportunity to spend the night at Eiheiji Temple.

3. Having the chance to join an American football team.

4. Stumping a roshi in Nagoya.

5. Making Japanese friends for a lifetime.

6. Expanding my dietary palette 7. Hitting personal fitness goals.

18. BEST PIECE OF ADVICE YOU WERE GIVEN When you no longer see God in the work you do, it is time to move on.

19. BEST ADVICE YOU CAN OFFER Read and live by Miyamoto Musashi’s どっこうどう Watch more sunrises than sunsets.

20. DESCRIBE JAPAN IN 3 WORDS STARTING WITH “S” 性格 El Capitano

生活

Surreptitious 56

GETTING PERSONAL

21. WHICH CURRENT/FORMER JET WOULD YOU LIKE TO...

Kiss

Give a dead arm to

Marry

N/A

Greg Lescoe

N/A

22. DID YOU EVER HOOK-UP WITH A JAPANESE LOCAL?

A gentleman never kisses and tells. [...and it appears neither will Squeezington -ED.]

23. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ANIMALS WOULD YOU PREFER TO BE ATTACKED BY AND WHY? A shark in the sea

A croc in a river

A lion in the savannah

A lion in the savannah (cause you can see that thing coming which allows you to at least some time to think of what you want as your dying words).

24. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A LIVE LOBSTER FOR A HAND OR A TOASTER FOR A FOOT? Toaster foot. You can always use toast.

Now, is stainless steel and like Prometheus’ liver in that it is regenerated everyday to prevent it from breaking?

25. IF YOU WERE JAPANESE WHAT WOULD YOUR NAME BE?

26. HOW WOULD YOU BEST DESCRIBE YOURSELF USING A FLAVOUR OF HERBAL TEA BAG? Tea connoisseurs know how to use real tea leaves and powders such that they can then read the tea once it is finished for visions of the future.

Fujiwara Ren 藤原蓮 27. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SAYINGS WOULD YOU MOST ASCRIBE TO? A) Never trust a capuchin mokey weidling a machete.

B) You can’t judge an onigiri by it’s seaweed

C) When one door closes, another opens, but if it doesn’t then go through the window (but open it first).

Answer: D Find a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

28. DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN 3 WORDS ALL BEGINNING WITH “X” Xenagogue

Xenophilic

Xenagogue 57

The Bottle As the half-quenched sun turns down its wick on coral's city crown and day is called to rest its wings, culled fishing boats shift their weight on sea legs, feeling out reef ways like rumpled men emptied in libation.

The path is clear for the converted.

Down from their perches the clock hands point the way away from the curse of papers preened from the 'inbox' boxed in from light of day.

The church door yawns open to take in the telltale tide.

Its pews are scattered laurels and from behind its alter -a choir-in a line the remains of the old gold that masoned the Middle to Paradise in ancestral songs of sons of sisters sold.

58

The pied congregation harbours like tourists from a slinking ship.

There to pay their penance, and sing their souls, in waves they crash upon glass shard shores of bowled out dreams where spirits, incensed, rise in plumes of Portuguese Man O' Wars.

'Os Barbados'- the barbed ones when daylight creeping find, the night undone, the lone palm of its bareback casting nets to catch the wind.

Sun's spell of heat stretching feathered arms again to announce the glass ceiling sky.

by Martin Boyce

59

T I M E TO G ET YO U R O N S E N O N ! r

e

v

i

e

w

words and pictures by Erin El-Tawil Winter can be tough for many people in Fukui.

Visit an onsen of course! It sounds like you

Maybe you’re bored, tired, and officially have the desperately need to relax in a beautiful onsen Fukui winter blues. Maybe you aren’t into winter

and enjoy the best season for hot spring bathing.

sports, you hate all things cold, and if you sit

Luckily you are reading the (nearly) complete

under your kotatsu any longer you might pull out

guide to the onsens in Awara written by your

your hair. What’s a depressed ALT to do?

friendly neighborhood Awara girls.

THE AWARAONSEN PASS

All of

the onsen in Awara are inside of

hotels except onsen public onsen. Hotel onsen usually reserve their onsen for their guests only and charge people around 1500 yen for a single bath. Awara, however, has something called the awaraonsen pass which is a great value for people who want to try the baths but don't want to stay overnight.

All of the onsen in Awara are inside of hotels except onsen public onsen. Hotel onsen usually reserve their onsen for their guests only and charge people around 1500 yen for a single bath. Awara, however, has something called the awaraonsen pass which is a great Awara Foot Baths value for people who want to try the baths but don't want Opened last year these are the free footbaths in front of the yunomachi station. They are open until to stay overnight.

10:00 and there are a bnch of different pools to The onsen pass can be bought at the awarayunomachi soak your feet into. A great place to relax after doing station. It costs 1670 yen and allows you to enter 3 a lot of sight seeing. different hotel baths for a few hours. You must use it all 3 times in 6 months because your pass will expire after 6 months.

The hotels you can choose from are shown on the availability board on the front of the station near the entrance.

It will tell you what times you can enter the onsen and which hotels have availability for any given day.

Choose your favorite hotel and go in the front entrance. Make sure you bring whatever you want/need and talk to the front desk. Show them your pass and say, “ofuro-ni hairitain desu kedo… ii desu ka?” (If your Japanese is superior to mine, please fancy it up. But this usually works just fine for me.) It’s that easy!

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O TH ER THIN G S TO S E E /D O IN AW A RA

Other Things to See/Do in Awara Kanazu Sosaku no Mori - literally translates to Kanazu Forest of Creation. This is an art gallery and studio. You can take one time experience art classes here or weekly courses. They offer pottery and glassblowing. Twice a year they have a craft fair for local artisans. There is a restaurant as well that is only open for lunch but has great food for reasonable prices. The only way to access it is by car unless there is a special event and they have busses running from the awaraonsen station.

Getting To Awara by Public Transportation Awara is a city made up of two towns, Awara-cho and Kanazu-cho. All of the onsen and hotels are in Awara-cho.

Many of the businesses and schools are in Kanazu-cho. The Awaraonsen station on the JR line takes you to kanazu-cho.

The awarayunomachi station on the echizen line takes you to Awara-cho. They are about a 45 minute walk apart. There is a bus that connects the two that comes once an hour and stops running around 6:30. The bus number is 89.

If you are coming to Awara by public transportation for the onsen I highly suggest taking the echizen line to the awarayunomachi station. It's a 40 minute ride from Fukui station and costs 670 yen one way (expensive and slow, just how I like my trains). However if you are traveling on a Saturday or Sunday you can get the one day pass for 800 yen and save yourself some cash.

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O TH E R THIN G S TO S E E /D O IN AW A RA Yoshizaki-gobō Just north of Awara near Lake Kitagata this is an impressive Buddhist temple complex. It was built by Rennyo after he was chased out of Kyoto and burned by the Asakura clan of Kaga.

It was rebuilt in the late 1700’s.

The local people have a very cool festival here in late April called Rennyoki. Worshippers carry a portable shrine from Kyoto to Yoshizaki by foot to remember Rennyo’s flight from Kyoto. Local people wait in the streets with lanterns to usher them to the shrine. Its usually on a weekday and in the evening but if your in the area its worth a look!

Lake Kitagata This is a lake just north of Awara. In mid-late June they have an iris festival.

They also have the last hanabi festival of the summer in early-mid September. Great place for cycling or running.

You can rent unique bikes or canoes in the summer time. You can also see the Kanazu High School and Kanazu Junior High School kids practice Kanazu’s most famous sport, canoe polo!

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EATIN G & D RIN K IN G Yatai Stalls Looking for something more unique and authentic? Try the Yotai stalls right in front of the yunomachi stations! The stalls are lit by red lamps and are old timey with only 9 seats in each restaurant. These restaurants are a bit pricier but make you feel like you are in old Japan.

Nan Nan Te Nan Nan Te is a good standard family restaurant in central Awara. The specialties are ramen and sauce katsudon. If you can’t choose between the two of them you can get set that includes both! It's a standard restaurant that is always a good option with good food.

The Maneuver A bar in central Awara across from Seifuso hotel. The bar is a surfing Hawaiian theme and has a good atmosphere. There is a seating charge and the drinks are a bit pricey but during tourist season you are sure to see some tourists wander in wearing their onsen robes.

Pretty relaxed atmosphere and there are always a few locals wandering around.

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R E V IE W S O F HO TEL’S B A THS F R O M THE AW A RA G IR L S Sentopia 3/4 stars - This is the only public onsen in Awara. If you want to whole onsen experience (eating dinner, getting a massage, and general onseny goodness) this is the place to go. Its nothing fancy, but it works. I think Gokyukurakyu in Fukui-city is nicer but this is decent . Don't use your Awaraonsen pass here, its cheap enough to just pay to go in. -Erin

Seifu-so

4/5 stars - Cheap and does the job.

-Linda [that’s the onsen, not Linda]

4/5 stars - This is a good onsen in Awara. We did have trouble with the man telling us we couldn't enter with the onsen pass even though we had checked the schedule already. The selling point for this onsen was the very large outdoor bath. I have been twice, once at night and once during the day, and I would say it was more enjoyable during the day. -Erin

3/4 stars - The guy at the front said we couldn't go in because we had the 3 for 1500 Onsen pass even though the schedule at Awarayunomachi clearly said it was open to the public. So so. -Linda 64

R E V IE W S O F HO TEL’S B A THS F R O M THE AW A RA G IR L S Awara Mimatsu 4/5 stars - This is decent hotel in Awara.

The outdoor bath is small but very charming and the indoor one while artificial looking is large and spacious. My parents stayed at this hotel while they visited me in Japan and the staff was kind and helpful. There is a large garden you can walk around inside the hotel that is very nice. -Erin

Tsuruya 4/5 stars - This hotel is probably one of the more modern and stylish hotels that I have been inside in Awara. The hotel staff was also very helpful and kind.

The onsen itself was only ok.

There are better onsen in Awara, but if you are looking for a very fancy hotel to stay the night in this is the nicest one in my opinion. Erin

3/4 stars - A charming onsen inside a beautiful and elegant hotel. Very pretty, but the onsen contains only a few pools. The pool outside was very nice though, I remember. -Linda 65

R E V IE W S O F HO TEL’S B A THS F R O M THE AW A RA G IR L S Minoya 2/5 stars - Not a low quality onsen, but just a very simple facility with a small number of pools. There are 1-2 pools inside and 1 small pool outside. The facilities were clean. -Erin

Matsuya Sen Sen 5/5 stars - I can't remember why it was amazing but it's super fancy I think! the individual tubs were great. – Linda

5/5 stars - My favorite onsen so far. Situated in a nice hotel, the onsen has a large variety of pools to choose from.

Among all the pools they have here, there in a shallow pool where you can lay down, a large lit-up blue pool outside that is very pleasant, "tea cup" individual pools you can use, an "herbal room", a sauna, 2 large pools including a pool that lights up and changes into many different colors. It's extremely enjoyable, so I would recommend this one the most. -Stephanie

5/5 stars - This is my favorite onsen in Awara and the one I bring people to when they come to visit. The hotel is a bit old fashioned but the staff is always polite the showering and changing areas are spacious and luxurious looking and there are a bunch of different baths to choose from. The one thing they need is an electric current pool and then it would be perfect! -Erin Helpful Links http://awara.info/language-english www.sosaku.jp

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! n r o c i Un FUN FACTS!

ISSUE NO. 2

INTERESTING, DETAILED, INSIGHTFULLY-OBSERVED TRUTHS

As you are all aware March 23rd sees the start of the annual - Unicorn Awareness Week. In order to help celebrate this wonderful time of year, JETFuel has decided to choose the lovable, mutant-tusked equines as the feature for Fun Facts! (apologies to those who were expecting the previously promised feature- Syphillis: Fun Facts! - watch this space).

Please enjoy the following compendium of interesting and useful information that has been compiled for your perusing pleasure.

Bonus Facts

Liechtenstein is the only country that has outlawed the barbaric process of procuring unicorn bacon. In order to maintain the rainbow pattern the bacon must be obtained whilst the animal is still alive.

In 1603 William Shakespeare brought a rare fire-breathing unicorn as a present for his pet cat Schmercules. After outliving Bill and his cat the unicorn resided as a street bum under Tower Bridge and is oft suspected of starting the Great Fire of London in 1666.

A gram of unicorn poop contains on average 140,750 calories. One lick of a unicorn stool can sustain a human’s energy needs for 3 days.

However, it is said to be as moreish as heroin, so one lick often leads to one bite, which leads to instant obesity.

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1. In a recent poll unicorns were voted Best MakeBelieve Creature of 2014.

2014 top 7 list courtesy of Fanta Sea and Land Creatures Magazine, sponsored by Fanta.

2. Unicorns can’t swim backwards.

1. Unicorns

38%

2. Dragons

3. Pandas

34% 16%

4. Eagle-eyed Umbr ella Fish

6%

5. Yetis

3%

6. Caked-bellied Fr og God

%

7. Loch Ness Monste

1

%

r

1

3. Unicorn hair is the only known flexible conically-structured substance that cannot be tied in a knot using the human tongue.

4. Most species of unicorn can fart rainbows.

This is actually how rainbows are formed.

They only become visible to the human eye when exposed to water.

5. After farting, unicorns bow as way of saying, “You’re very welcome world!”

Therefore the ‘-bow’ part of rainbow should be correctly pronounced /bau̇/.

6. Unicorns are able to pick up FM radio transmissions via their horns. A 1993 study proved the discerning unicorn’s choice of radio station is Jazz FM. 68

7. Batman was originally imagined as Uniman in an attempt to appeal to female fans.

However, it was feared a unicorn would be too effeminate and drive away the male fans. (This was back in the 1930’s when it wasn’t okay for a hetrosexual male to be a massive unicorn fan.)

8. The best way to protect the ignition coil in a paraffin-fuel stove is to first dip it in unicorn blood.

When you light it for the first time you may see black smoke rising - do not be alarmed! this is just the evil spirits being banished - all thanks to the unicorn blood!

9. Only eunuchs are allowed to ride bareback on a unicorn on Thursdays, and on the fourth Wednesday of every month that doesn't have a harvest festival celebration.

10. Narwhals are the hybrid product of when a mentally unstable Therefore the ‘-bow’ part of rainbow should unicorn mated a be correctly pronounced with /bau̇/. particularly slutty Beluga whale.

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