一
JetFuel Fall 2012 A summer sunset in Ohi.
Photo by Ryan Bockmann
JetFuel Editors: Kenny Balla and Simon Woodgett
Welcome to the Fall of JetFuel We’re back motherfuckers!
Second, we plan on publishing this four times a year. The previous editions were only Like the mascot of Fukui, JetFuel rises from never twice a year but they were fancy eits ashes to entertain the mundane school magazines. We’ll assume that took a ton of lives of the Fukui JETs. time. Here at our secret JetFuel headquarters, your The next deadline is for the winter edition. new JetFuel editors have been working overLet’s say anytime around February 1st. Plentime to try to create a new edition. ty of time to write up about your winter vacaFirst, we’d like to apologize for our inepti- tion, how you stay warm without central tude. We don’t know anything about graph- heating (pro tip: shared bodily warmth), and ical design or inDesign or making things look your work life. good. Every issue forever will look like it was Have a great Fall School Term. made with a combination of Microsoft Publisher and MS Paint. Please send your submissions to fukuijetfuel@gmail.com
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JetFuel
Letters to the Editor Ashley Jill Murphey
Fall 2012
I admit that I have said about a thousand times to myself that I would sit down and think of something to write for the next JetFuel issue. But, I never did. I couldn’t think of anything “good” to write. I still can’t. Sorry. However, I have a collection of past JetFuels at one of my visiting schools and they are outstanding. I sit at my desk and giggle and try to muffle my laughing as not to disturb the people who are actually working (or at least look like they are working). I can’t help it though. They are so good. I love Fukui as much as the next ALT but go back ten years and you’ll see that being an Assistant Language Teacher here was exactly the same as it is now except that people wrote about it. I’ve been here for three years and only two new JetFuels have been published. It used to be a bi-annual publication that was never less than 40 pages long. It takes me weeks (give me a break, I’m only here once a week) to read them and when I’m finished it leaves me wanting more. I want to know who these people are and what they are like. It’s a very candid collection of the JET community in this prefecture blabbering on about whatever the hell they wanted to. I think the people in charge of putting JetFuel together back then were possibly threatening though.
Back in the day the content was full of Engrish work from students (names marked out, of course), personal opinions, work-related accounts, tales from trips both in and outside of Japan, doo
dles, and much, much more. One thing that I think is great is that if you wanted to submit something, there was no need to use your real name. I get a kick out of the pseudonyms some people came up with. My advice is simple. We all are bored at some point in the year. Why don’t we use the leisure of this job to our advantage? Take 5, 10, or 15 minutes or even 15 class periods to contribute something. There isn’t a deadline per se. It doesn’t have to be life-changing, meaningful or prophetic. It’s nice to know that we are all in this together and that others are experiencing the same things as each other. I am not a journalist or even good at English. I maybe shouldn’t have sent anything, but I had the time and sat down to ramble. I’d like to share some of my personal favorites from previous editions as well. Heck, what publication doesn’t need filler?? Well, I’m looking forward to whatever other people can send in and what the next JetFuel will look like. I hope it lives up to the editions of the late 90s and early 2000s.
I want something like this (minus the threatening publisher). I know we all have time on our hands. There are definitely some of us that just sit around and twiddle our thumbs for 5 of the 6 class periods a day, myself included. There are also definitely some of us that crave one class period per day to be free and want to collapse after standing for 5 classes a day. Based on these facts we should all have at least one thing to say in one year, right? Well, I still haven’t found what I want Check out the next page for an article from to say but I’m working on it. I’ve realized that JetFuel’s “Greatest Hits” collection. there isn’t a specific type of article that is needed.
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JetFuel
Greatest Hits says, “How about diarrhea?”
Fall 2012
JetFuel Vol. 3 Dec 2004 Bridget Flaherty I’m sitting at my desk one day when a JTE comes to talk with me about our next lesson. She points out the page of the book we’re on and I ask, “Okay, what are we going to do?” “I don’t know,” she says—a standard response—and then stands looking at me for a minute, before turning to walk away.
ing the word. It’s time to have fun with English by “Laughing at Excuse me? Did you the Gaijin.” just say the word that grosses me out above all others? The My JTE and I go to class word I often describe as durchfall and begin our routine of pre(the German word for it) because senting the new vocab. Then it’s I hate the English one so time for me much? to introduce my own I clear my throat words. I and turn to look at her, choose to do hoping that I’m mistaken. the 5 non“Diarrhea?” diarrhea “Yes,” she nods, “ I words first, think it’s a very important to put off my word for them to know embarrasswhen they travel.” ment a little longer as Yeah…because well as to they don’t need to know keep the kids attentive. I know words like customs, passport, or that if it comes down to me mimluggage. No, they need to know ing the action, their concentradiarrhea. tion will be shot for any other “Do you think you can new information. explain it?” my JTE asks. She But the first 5 words looks at me, waiting for my expass all too quickly and the planation. dreaded moment comes. I point “Ummmmm…it’s when to the word and say “Diarrhea.” you eat and then feel sick to your “Diarrhea!” The kids stomach…and then your.…” I repeat, quite unaware of the could barely force this word out, word they are so genkily saying. since it’s also on my most hated list, “poop is…like liquid?” “Diarrhea,” I say again.
Riiiiiight. I look at the page and see that it’s Unit 4 of the san nensei book, where the kids learn how to ask questions like “Could you speak more slowly?” and *What does that word mean?” when traveling in a foreign country. With very little time left before class, I ponder the lesson and then decide that I’ll come up with some words the students don’t know so they can use the new questions. Soon my JTE shows up at my desk with the “They don’t know liq“Diarrhea!” same plan, asking me to write 6 uid.” words on a sheet of paper. I’ll “Okay,” I begin my exintroduce each word and she will “Like water?” planation slowly, miming actions prompt the students to ask what as I go along, “When you eat She shrugs. “You can it means; then I’ll explain it in something and then feel sick to always act it out, too.” simple English. your stomach. Your stomach This is the moment feels bad. You go to the bathSo, I sit there thinking when it becomes apparent to me room-“ up words like luggage, groceries, that it isn’t about the kids learnskyscraper, etc, when my JTE At this point, many of
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JetFuel
Greatest Hits the kids start saying “Onsen?”
Fall 2012
changed because we don’t have a lesson like this anymore. I think that this is funny because I have “No, sorry. You go to the toilet…,” at this never been in this situation but think it could easipoint I stop miming, “…and your…poop is like waly happen at any of our schools. This piece is acter.” companied by a picture of a squat toilet. Blank stares. Of course! There’s no chapter in New Horizon concerning bodily functions. “Do you know what poop is?”
Former JETs wrote lists about their experiences in “Pooh?” One girl questions, thinking of a Japan. much cuter brown thing (although his cuteness is Madeline Horne subjective). “No. Um, do you know what pee is?”
My Top 5! (in no order) More blank stares. I look at my JTE for -Being involved in Family Net- both as a participant some kind of assistance, but she just smiles back and a volunteer staff member. at me, probably hoping that I will soon act it out. -Traveling around Japan and Asia. Okay, lady, I think, I’ll humor you a little, but I am -Becoming completely immersed in rural Japan, NOT acting out diarrhea. and finding new hobbies and pastimes. “Okay,” I sigh, moving out from behind the teacher’s desk/podium. “Pee is when you go -Making life-long friends in the local JET communito the toilet—“ and I squat down as if hovering ty and at work. over an Asian toilet. Already the kids are starting -Developing a love for Japanese food! to giggle, but I forge ahead. “And you go sssssssss,” I make a hissing type noise to mimic the Mish Haddad sound of peeing. At this point the whole class is laughing. I stand up and continue. “That’s peeing. Top 5 (in no special order) Poop is the other one.” -Kar Rally: taking silly pictures everywhere and the I can see that the kids are beginning to after party understand, but one girl goes, “Good hint-o -watching the sunset at Suishohama, Mihama and Breejeeto. More!” the amazing sunsets here in Reinan I smile and shake my head. I am not -Hokkaido- both the snow festival and Furano's about to re-enact the bathroom scene from Amerilavender fields in July are worth going up there can Pie. Instead, I continue with “So, diarrhea is for, twice or more.... when your poop is like water.” -onsens, onsens, onsens The kids look at the JTE and finally she - trying out strange looking veggies from the susays, “Kudaribara.” Followed by more laughter. permarket for cooking/learning to cook Japanese And now you know the Japanese word for food diarrhea, if the problem should ever arise during your travels here. Bottom 5 (in ascending order) ------NOTE------ The textbooks have obviously -yukikaki (shoveling snow) x 5
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JetFuel
Blast from the Past Blast from the Past
Becky Cass
Fall 2012
Bottom 5 1. Waking up one winter morning to 3 feet of snow and then spending 4 hours shoveling out the whole parking lot.
5. English teachers who can't quite speak the language as they should
Anonymous 2. Waiting at the hospital for 7 hours the first time Top 5 (no order) I went to see Hoshokawa Sensei -Meeting my wife and getting married 3. Breaking down in the supermarket after visiting -My 1st motorcycle. Learning how to ride a motorfour stores looking for powdered sugar and realiz- cycle and getting my motorcycle license in Japan. ing it was right in front of me the whole time This was the hardest, most frustrating thing I have 4. Calling in sick for the first time and having my undertaken while in Japan. The result has been supervisor and Kyoto-sensei show up at my house one of the most rewarding experiences of my ento check on me tire life. 5. Canceling my cell phone when I left Japan -Visiting all 47 prefectures of Japan (Softbank is a huge pain in the ass) -Finding my sobriety Top 5 -Fuji Rock, luckily before finding my sobriety ;) 1. The Halloween train– quite possibly the best night of the year in Fukui! I don't want to list a Bottom 5. Of course there are 2. Swimming with the bioluminescent algae in things I don't like about Japan. Some I probably Tsuruga Bay downright hate. Of course I have had negative 3. Camping at the “Watering Hole” experiences. However, if you twisted my arm and 4. The Sagicho Festival in Katsuyama forced me to list at least one thing I don't like 5. Watching my Kindergarten students graduate about Japan it would be: gaijin who live here and And of course, the day that I met Kenny Balla seem to do nothing, but complain about Japan and/or have nothing positive to say about it. Of course we all need to vent sometimes. After you Nadia Sobehart watch the 100th car run a red light or have another game or activity fail because the boys and girls in Top 5 your class seem to treat each other like plague 1. meeting people in random situations victims, it can be therapeutic to share with some2. the kids one. However, I think too much "venting" can have 3. exploring Japan the opposite effect. Negativity breeds. 4. ALT events like kar rally 5. getting to learn and live the language and culWe, the JetFuel Editors, would like to thank all of ture the former JETs that submitted something to this Bottom 5 issue! 1. shopping basket being inspected by everyone 2. being stared at anywhere and everywhere 3. silly language mistakes 4. visiting the doctor
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Reviews
Fall 2012 Linda Wang Café Clark Kent, Gifu
M A R E, Fukui Katano Café, Ishikawa Starbucks just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I decided to go on a mission to find little known cafes to replace the mainstream coffee shops that have become so popular. If you share my love for cafes, if you’re looking for a quiet place to read, or if you just want some coffee and dessert, join me as I explore shops you can only find off the beaten path. Little did I know Fukui has an amazing selection of cafes that are tucked away in places you’d least expect. Let me share my experiences with you and recommend these charming little shops so you won’t have to be afraid of unknowingly walking into a snack bar. Check out my blog for more information and pictures :) http://fortheloveofcafes.wordpress.com/
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JetFuel
Reviews
Fall 2012
+
Book Café Godou Open 12:00-17:00. 19:00-22:00 Closed Mondays http://godou.net 福井県越前市府中１丁目９−１９ Phone: 0778-42-6711
Along a tiny side street near Takefu station is this eclectic book café with a chill atmosphere and amazing homemade ice cream.
You can sip on fancy Kyoto coffee while you listen to jazz music and browse through their assorted collection of books. This is just the place for a relaxing coffee date.
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JetFuel
Reviews Tea Garden
Fall 2012
You’ll find Tea Garden just south of Ozeki station on the Echizen line. Sit by the window along the train tracks, savor a coffee float, and contemplate life as the trains roll by.
Read Linda Wang’s Blog at: http://i-love-wangs.xxx http://fortheloveofcafes.wordpress.com/
äš?
JetFuel
Reviews
Fall 2012
Gavin Moffat
but a bit more family-friendly. Sadly, the party stool was missing in here but the disappointment was offset by a nice range of guidebooks, including a useful travel map for getting to Disneyland. Other good points were a comfy bed, a massive LCD TV and an archaic central console for the lights, radio etc which looked straight out of an early Star Trek episode. Negatives were the lack of aircon temperature control (it's set by the hotel) and windows we couldn't open, which led to quite a stuffy feeling. Remnants of the room's x-rated past remained in the unusually spacious bathroom, which featured a sort of voyeur-friendly viewing area for the Jacuzzi. The tub itself had gone a bit yellow over the years and while it was technically clean, I wouldn't really fancy setting my exposed rear end down in it, bubbles or no bubbles. Downstairs in the lobby, the steady stream of backpackers and adulterous couples can quench their thirst from a free drink bar, which is a nice touch I've yet to see in another hotel. N.U.T.S is in a quieter part of Shinjuku, but there's a few restaurants / bars around and a subway stop two minutes from the door, a bonus that's surprisingly awkward to find when searching Tokyo hotels. Sleazy and a little grubby maybe, but on the other hand convenient, cheap and morbidly fascinating. If you like your hotels with a bit of an edge to them you could do a lot worse than N.U.T.S. It's slowly but surely being modernised floor by floor and in a couple of years time may be unrecognisable from the 80s curio you can see today, so book yourself in sooner rather than later.
Your average business hotel is a functional yet bland environment, so with this in mind, E and I looked to find something a bit more interesting for our recent trip to Tokyo. The N.U.T.S is not The Ritz by anyone's standards, but if it's charisma you're after, then this seedy but perfectly preserved relic of the 1980s is positively crawling with it, amongst other things. City Hotel New Urban Time and Space is a part-time love hotel that has cleaned up its act ever so slightly in recent years, taking reservations for tourism and business purposes in addition to the more spontaneous visits for a quick once-over. The 80s timewarp begins in a lobby reminiscent of Beetlejuice's waiting room both in terms of decor and clientele, where we found an earlymorning receptionist far removed from the groomed professionals at your local Toyoko Inn. Dressed in a bedraggled cardigan with a threadbare poodle on her lap and a ciggie dangling from her mouth, the gravel-throated old starlet was nonetheless friendly and helpful enough. As our room wasn't ready yet we were given a temporary one to "rest" for a few hours. When we arrived it was clear that this particular boudoir was made for the hotel's traditional customer base, with an ancient chaise longue stretched across one of the walls and a nifty vibrating stool that looked like it had served its time on the battlefield well. Whilst the decor had easily gone a quarter-century with little alteration, it's City Hotel N.U.T.S, 1-16-5 Shinjuku, Tokyo, Tel: 03http://hotel-nuts.com/index.php worth noting that the room still looked in good 5378-1041 condition despite having seen decades of non-stop action, though to say it smelt fresh would be an overstatement. Our proper room was from the same era
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JetFuel
First Years Represent Fact File Name: Sophie Walker
Fall 2012
Nationality: British Sophie Walker
Year: 1st Year
Graduating with a BA in Social Anthropology is my only claim to be an ‘anthropologist’. The definition of anthropology is ‘the study of humankind’, so School: Takefu Nichu JHS, Echizen-Shi this is wide enough for anyone to call themselves an anthropologist! I’ve not studied any Japanese anthropology and so this is my aim this year. Every issue I will reflect on my experiences and readings of Japan and I hope it will be of interest to you! 2. Most Japanese people live alone or in nuclear Breaking the Mould families My own stereotypes of Japanese people are that they are ethnically homogeneous, incredibly hardMy loosely-founded preconception of this stereoworking and go crazy once or twice a year! After type was probably based on nothing but my own being here for just six weeks I’ve had to rethink experience of twenty-somethings moving however these stereotypes. far they wanted away from their parents and seeing their parents just a few times a year. I was 1. Japanese are ethnically homogeneous amazed to be told on the coach to Fukui that the Arriving in Fukui-Ken broke the first stereotype as I prefecture has some of the highest rates of threefound myself in an apartment block with many generations living together in Japan. In a class Japanese-Brazilians as neighbours. As I leave for survey, I found that the majority of students had work I see Japanese-Brazilian factory workers their grandparents living with them or even their dressed in their nurses-like uniforms returning great grandparents too. This custom means that from their nightshift. In my school which has 500 mothers can continue working whilst their chilpupils there are 26 Brazilians and 13 Filipinodren are young, and so helps change the third steJapanese, many of them whom struggle to speak reotype... Japanese. It’s good that three extra teachers are 3. Women are second class citizens employed to help the students settle in to school life and help translate the teachers. However, apart from Echizen’s Brazilian shop, I have seen no influence of Brazilian culture in the prefecture. Where are the samba classes? Where are the Brazilian festivals? Where are the Brazilian restaurants? Maybe I would have found some by the next edition.
I had prepared myself to be looked down upon by male staff due to the fact I am of the female gender, but I have not experienced any discrimination nor seen it for other female teachers. The closest I’ve come to experiencing this was at my first enkai where my Kocho-sensei chose a woman on each
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JetFuel
First Years Represent
Fall 2012
table to serve the food. This is not so dissimilar to how it would be in England due to the tradition of women being the main home-maker and food server. Yet I expect the burden of this role falls heavily on wives or mothers who have the sole responsibility of these daily chores. Another topic to be explored…
4. Students are quiet and obedient My stereotype of students was an image of a class of immaculately dressed Japanese class, pens in hand and attentively hanging on to every word the teacher says. This, we can all say is not true! But I did have a shock when I met JHS students for the first time at an English seminar and getting them to say anything more than their names was near impossible. The making of the skit was an ambitious idea for such shy students! My heart despaired when I saw a young, particularly introverted girl drawing a face with blood dripping from its eyes! I longed for the boisterous, cheeky and outspoken Spanish students I’d been teaching in July. Yet, thankfully I was greeted with cheerful ‘Hellos’ on my first day at school and I knew everything would be O.K.
Sophie is the samurai on the right.
our happy-clappy ‘Go-for-it!’ culture and their po l ite, unpretentious group dynamics. It is only in their own school environment that classes are the same as anywhere in the world. Some students are quiet, some are loud, some are troublemakers and some just want to go home. Thank goodness for that!
5. Japanese teachers work hard This is a stereotype I can’t argue against. At 7am teachers start arriving at school and long after I’ve tootled off on my bike, teachers leave, some not going until 10pm. It is Cultural Festival week but still, what can they be doing until then? Their job Now I realise that seminars are a cultural nightmare for the young students! They are thrown in is not just as a teacher but as a sports coach, a singing teacher as well as being a parent to every a group with none of their school friends, surstudent in their homeroom. I am nothing but imrounded by a horde of singing and dancing ALTs and JTEs and made to sing, yes sing, not just speak pressed by the dedication of Japanese teachers to their schools. If this work ethic is the same in all English! But they have been brought-up to not organisations in Japan I can see why they have the stand-out from a group and not to be the first to answer; hence, a group full of students with glazed third largest economy in the world. -over eyes waiting for the intense moment of awkwardness to pass! They are sandwiched between Until next time, toodaloo!
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JetFuel
Sports: The Armchair Coach Dan Lim Hello sports fans!
Fall 2012
This is the inaugural anecdote from Fukui’s favourite Sports Rep! In the past year Fukui’s warriors have ridden forth to epic battles ranging from Matsunoyama, Niigata in the North, to the plains of Tajima in the west, and Awaji in the deep south/by Kobe. In this issue, I’ll give you the rundown on Fukui’s football fanatics and ballers. Disclaimer: all events in the following article may or may not be completely accurate due to bad memory, copious amounts of drinking, and lack of writing anything down.
Fisting in Awaji:
forward-as-far-as-you-can-when-you-get-it-andAlthough you may hear tales of outrageous deeds, hope-that-it-goes-to-someone mentality worked such as Dale playing a match with one boot and especially well when balls landed in the ever deepscoring a goal (which is actually true); you may not ening puddles at each end of the ground and fully grasp the greatness of Fukui’s Fisters and stopped completely. Despite this significant adPhoenixes. In the Autumn Awaji tournament, we vantage, we didn’t make it to the quarter finals… had the pleasure of a cold as fuck typhoon to BUT to balance this disappointment Dale and Yoguide us to a maiden championship (hopefully). shio came to the rescue. The former provided With the foul weather, the stage was set for an some classic party entertainment by swan diving epic, rain-soaked, battle, reminiscent of the 2011 onto and collapsing a table. That will show the newbies’ Fuji ‘adventure’. The conditions were other teams whose boss…The latter made a oneperfect for the Fisters and Phoenixes because the liner that should go down in Fukui’s history. Folswimming pools of Awaji greatly hindered the free lowing our 4th shower (I mean match), a soggy -flowing football favoured by teams boasting ex- Yoshio came up to me. Upon hearing the question, tier 3 German league players. Our kick-the-ball- “How ya feelin?” he said, in classic Yoshio-style, “I feel…like a shit.” Hilarity ensued.
The
ladies
suffered a similar fate to the Fisters, in the horrendous conditions and in the face of some serious female talent. The girls were unable to mount a mountainous
challenge
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JetFuel
Sports : The Armchair Coach on the mountains (which were actually beaches) last long though, with our heroic captain Miss Simof Awaji. They did however get the consolation mons slamming one into the back of Shimane’s prize of not collecting the wooden spoon (which net. As the game progressed, it was looking like it
Fall 2012
went to KFC, Kochi Football Club), something the would come down to a nerve-wracking penalty Fisters had the inglorious duty of winning. Zannen shootout to decide the fate of the final. But in a deshita!
cruel twist of fate, the ref awarded Shimane a pen-
The Spring Awaji tournament provided fairer weather, the chance to play on the nicest pitch I’ve ever played on in my life (the grass was so short and manicured!), and win that elusive maiden championship. Although the Fisters surprised several punters by reaching the quarter finals and giving the eventual winners, Japan’s national
alty in the box because of a dubious handball decision. This was dutifully dispatched by D-Zilla and the game ended 2-1. Although the Phoenixes didn’t quite make it over the final hurdle, their prize of a box of beer and a trophy were ample rewards for a great weekend of sport and a massive effort put in by the ladies…I’m so proud of you all!
team/Tottori (who have 3 foreigners in total on Ballin’ in Matsunoyama: their books) a scare, it was the Phoenixes who really turned up on the
The basketball tournament in Niigata was the Fukui Crabs’ first
weekend!
foray into the
Through a combina-
ALT
tion of deadly accu-
tion. With little
racy in the for-
video evidence
wards, undeniable commitment
midfielders,
some
hard-nosed
defence,
available
from
the
of
more
than handy merce-
(yes,
was
a
team
filming
their
matches
for
analysis),
we were defi-
naries, the ladies progressed to the
play
there
ninja-like
some
on
the Crabs’ style
goalkeeping agility and
competi-
nitely the dark 1st place in basketball. Last place in smiling.
finals. A formidable foe, in the form of ‘D-Zilla’ from Shimane, however stood in the way of the Phoenixes and GLORY. In the final, the girls were amping to get stuck into their opponents. The first blow was dealt by Shimane with D-Zilla showing her class with a strike from outside the box. This advantage didn’t
horse of the competition.
However, with a team boasting the likes of LeeBron Tat and Austin “from down town” Morgan, the other teams never had a chance. The Crabs went about clinically dispatching 5 teams in a row to finish as the number 1 qualifier from the round robin and therefore took a bye in the first
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JetFuel
Sports: The Armchair Coach round of the knockout phase. The semi-final how- So that brings to an end this update on the exever provided a scare that no one saw com- ploits of Fukui’s warriors from the year gone by ing...playing the winning team from the 6th and 7th but if you’re keen to get in on the action please
Fall 2012
place knockout was supposed to be a breeze. This email me at FJETSports@gmail.com. I would also theory though, was thrown out the window by like to say good luck to the Football, Frisbee, and one player from Niigata’s BoE who, spurred on by Basketball teams in their upcoming Autumn tourBecca “I’m New Yorkin here” Cententivio’s naments in the far flung corners of Japan. I know smacktalk, set about shooting 3’s and scoring at you’ll do us proud! will, mostly in people’s faces, until the Crabs were looking down a 12 point deficit in the first half. During the half-time rev-up, Malcolm “pass the bucket…quick! Bleurghhh” Wellby gave a stirring speech which seemed to energise the Crabs, allowing us to gradually chase down the lead as the opponents’ magic slowly wore off with fatigue. Following a few stops and some clutch buckets the Crabs prevailed after learning a lesson about pressure and complacency. The final was a fitting face-off between the two evenly matched Fuku’s of Japan, Fukui and Fukushima. This bruising yet surprisingly good natured encounter was going to be a battle of the ages! Although the Crabs raced out to an 11-0 lead from the tip-off, Fukushima reined us in on the back of an unbelievably skewed foul count against us from the referees. As the pressure told for both teams, tournament MVP LeeBron Tat came to the fore with several telling drives to the bucket and some clutch shooting from outside the key. His efforts plus the more than handy back-up of his fellow crustaceans ensured a tournament victory for the Crabs! This was duly followed by a dip in Matsunoyama Onsen, which apparently is one of the top three medicinal onsen in ALL OF JAPAN. Upon receiving Omiyage from this ‘famous’ spot however, my JTEs and other staff members at Haruko, replied with “are you sure it wasn’t Matsuyama?” Gotta love tourism in Japan!
Just kidding. Look at those beautiful faces.
Suart Meadows During the summer vacation, I had a 7 day window which wasn’t taken up by summer camps or prearranged trips. Such a large amount of free time in my diary was so unusual that I just had to fill it with something… “A challenge,” I thought. I used to challenge myself by running the marathons here, but after a knee injury put a stop to that, at the end of last season, I decided to try something different... cycling. “But where?”
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JetFuel
Sports: Stuart’s Cycling Diary Then I remembered saying to my friend that, after living in Japan for 2 years, I still hadn’t visited one of Japan’s most famous cities; I decided it was
Fall 2012
time to see Hiroshima. I borrowed a bike from my friend and penciled the dates in my diary. “I have 7 days,” I thought, “I can get to Hiroshima in 3, then cycle to the west coast and come back to Fukui in the other 4”. Then a few days before leaving, I went online to check the best routes to take. I was shocked to discover, that avoiding highways, and long tunnels equated to over 600 kilometers one way. That’s when the goal changed... to just to getting to Hiroshima! I didn’t take any bags with me aside from a small bum bag (fanny pack), and before leaving I made sure I put a small pencil in there and a memo pad. Each night I wrote about the day’s events. Here is what I wrote. Day 1 (170km) Started off at 8:30 this morning. Happy to know I’m avoiding my school’s closing ceremo-
Stuart is the person holding the bicycle.
ny. I saw some smashed up glasses on the road by a giant sign on the mountain which says “Sabae”
After being told by my girlfriend not to
and shows a pair of glasses. I thought it would take the busy coastal road, I Googled a route on make an interesting photo until I discovered I’d the minor roads. It only seemed a little bit farther, forgotten my camera. I wanted to go back but it so I took that. Spotted some beautiful waterfalls would have taken 2 hours.
by the roadside, which is when I realised how
I decided to count things to keep my steep my uphill ascent was. It was only when I got mind busy. Seems to work. Counted rubber bands to the top that I discovered I was on top of Imajo on the road from trucks, changed the subject ski-resort... thanks Ashley! when I got to 50. Did the same again with ‘cars
I got to Tsuruga in time for a McDon-
that aren’t from Fukui’. Then eventually got bored ald’s lunch. Set off for Shiga, and then hit another after the next topic, ‘cars that aren’t a mountain range near Biwa. Thunder and lightening shade’ (white, black, grey) but it took too long to forced me to stop in a hut/café where I talked to reach 50, so I gave up.
an old lady before falling asleep on her table for an
十六
JetFuel
Stuart’s Cycling Diary hour. I woke up and the rain was still too heavy. couple of minutes later they return followed by She told me I was like her son, and gave me a tow- the store clerk to tell me I was sitting on their umel, then I continued cycling. I got to Kyoto at rush brella stand. “Please move.”
Fall 2012
hour on Route 1 and not knowing where my
Google maps gives good cycling paths if
mate’s house was where I was staying, I tried I select the “walking directions” to keep me off the phoning and texting him, but he had an enkai. toll roads. But I still managed to cycle up the ramp Eventually I found the place and let myself in. I’m and almost up to the booth before realizing I’d hoping the rain will stop before tomorrow.
taken a wrong turn. The rain and lightning hadn’t eased up, so after only a few hours of cycling, I
Day 2 (69km +12km for combini)
searched for hotels on the phone. Several ap-
What a weird day...
peared in a nearby town
Woke up to dryness
called Arima, on the side of
30
Mt. Rocco. I chose the one
minutes in and the thunder and
that looked the shabbiest
lightning
again.
and therefore cheapest. It
Stopped to shelter in the drive-
was called Mint. One of the
thru roof of a McDonalds (yet
men who worked there had
another reason I can’t live with-
lived in Guam for ages and
out it). Men in suits came to-
spoke good English. He told
wards me. I thought I was going
me
to be asked to move. Turns out it
spring” (was this a threat?)
and
sunshine! had
Fantastic. begun
was just Mormons – one of whom was a foreigner from Utah. Spoke to them for a while,
The rain and lightning hadn’t eased up.
to
enjoy
a
“rusty
and to use the air conditioner “til your heart’s content”. My phone charger broke
got a wee leaflet, and set off again in the rain. – it today so I had to cycle 6km each way to find a didn’t look like stopping any time soon.
combini that sold one. I texted Thom to ask him to
I’ve been in the mountains a lot today. check the weather report.... “Thunder storms for Not a great day to be in high places. Stopped by a the next two days.” forest to go for a pee. Halfway through an elderly man stuck his head out the trees, and said
Day 3 (65km)
“konnichiwa,” then disappeared as quickly as he
Whoops! Slept in. left at 10 and despite
had appeared. Finally I came across a 7/11, bought the forecast, the weather was great. Yesterday’s a hot coffee and sat on the small stool outside in climb had paid off – the views were fantastic. Best the shelter - I couldn’t believe my luck, it’s like day of cycling yet. Went through a small town they’d known I was coming. Then a car pulled up called Miki – there was a Fukui—cho in it, and they and two ladies scurried out holding their umbrel- were preparing for their festival. I stopped to tell las. They looked around and gave me a frown. A them I had cycled from Fukui city in Fukui prefec-
十七
JetFuel
Stuart’s Cycling Diary ture, but nobody really seemed to care. The good for the bike, met a nice wee old lady on her scootweather brought out other bikers. Met a big group er. People are friendly here, especially girls, who who asked me to join their team, but soon retract- approached me and asked me to have dinner (I
Fall 2012
ed the offer when I told them where I lived. Stayed said no). I’ve only wanted ice cream all day. Called with my mate, Adam, who gave me clothes, my mate Jamie, then heard thunder in the disshowed me Himeji city, showered and fed me. I tance a few times... turns out it was just a train. I have lost a day now due to the storms yesterday, feel like a war veteran suffering from PTSD. Good but the weather is starting to look up!
distance made today. Tomorrow is the final day.
Day 4 (110km+18km for bike shop)
Day 5 (157km) 38C
I woke up to the sound of rain... eugh.
Starting to get tired. Massive ball of fluid
Had to wait until after 10:30 before leaving despite collecting in my ankle from walking in my cycle plans for a longer day. I got new tyres put on the shoes and a blister on my left bum cheek. bike after the bike shop man told me they were
Thought I’d left it a bit late by checking out at 9:45, but once I saw the weather and the pace of the new tyres continue, then I had renewed hope that today might be the last day. I cycled, and it seemed easy for some reason. Lots of combini stops. Up until now, the total price of juice and ice-cream was over 12000 yen. I didn’t do much stopping to chat today though. Skipped lunch and had ice cream instead. Got craving for soba but stopped at an udon place instead. Noth-
ing too heavy. It was coming up to 5pm and I FACT: Stuart has at least four arms. He has also won as decided I’d try to get finished by 6:30. I armany Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong. rived in Hiroshima at 6:12. Asked a stranger “zettai dame.” Told Thom I’d got him new tyres how to get to the gembaku dome, he said it’s a bit and brakes worth over 10,000 yen but he didn’t far (the other side of the city) but “let’s go togethseem impressed. Thankfully after the rain cleared er”. On his mama chari he seriously threatened me up, the weather was great. 34 degrees. Busy road making it there on time. When we eventually got though, lots of trucks going to Okayama port. Lots there, I looked at my phone... 6:32... bastard. I was of tunnels too. My sweaty arms and face got cov- ecstatic to be there. It was my first time to see the ered in soot from the traffic. Went through Bizen beautiful Peace Park and I was overcome with pottery village. Remembered it well from a road- emotion as I realised that this was the end of my trip over a year ago. Kept going after reaching my trip. Through my trip I’d had time to reflect on the goal and ended up in Kurashiki. Had to buy a lock people I have met in Japan and appreciate the
十八
JetFuel
Stuart’s Cycling Diary friends I’ve made here. I received so much support but one of my friends cycles from Fukui to Osaka from them. Finding someone who could take a with a backpack and a mama-chari every year. So picture and send it to me took a while, before before you go booking those flights abroad for
Fall 2012
starting the cycle back across the city to the train your next holiday, ask yourself how well you REALstation. After at least half an hour spent trying to LY know Japan, and consider brushing off those figure out how to disassemble the bike appropri- old spandex body suits you bought for homeately for the train-friendly travel bag, I was on my exercise. It’s not too difficult. way
to
my
last
stop-over
in
Kure
City.
Cycling opens up Japan to you and you really get to know the places you’re going through. It’s not like the Shinkansen (or Rebecca’s car) where you’re travelling at 1000kph. It’s one of the best experiences I’ve had since I came to Japan and although it was a challenge, I realised that cycling is something anyone can do. You don’t need a special bike, or equipment; sure it helps,
Support Stuart’s cycling by purchasing his book
Fukui’s Poet Laureates 春
秋
White gives way to green
Summer limps away
New life from where there was none
Pleasant evenings are the call
A new chance for all
Use them while they last
夏
冬
Sun keeps beating down
White winter cover
Sweat from my brow dripping down
A time for us to slow down
Summer rain relief
A time to take stock By Old
Man Foo
十九
JetFuel
Fukui’s Poet Laureates Winding roads straighten,
Fall 2012
The midnight sun dazes him,
Jonny Tat
He runs amongst clouds.
Fukuisaurus, Roars the Song of Fukui, It rings in our Hearts. Warmth brightens my soul,
ALTs run wild,
I yearn for your glowing touch,
Rent-a-car will save us all,
Turn on, Kotatsu.
On tables we sing.
I can hear it coming,
The lights are all but gone now,
The steps are getting louder,
My very being at stake,
I can’t stand the tension,
I’m deeply breathing inward,
My wills about to cower.
Drawing all that I can take.
In this very place,
My heart is quickly beating,
A blood curling scream,
Many years ago before me,
My pupils start to grow,
With my last remaining breath,
I heard a scary tale,
My mind already accepted,
I lunged into the darkness,
A very gruesome story.
There’s nowhere left to go.
Is this the feel of death?
Kenneth D’Silva
They say it’s born from darkness, Now it stands before me, Large and filled with fright, It’s power grows with fear,
In the void I trembled, My eyes can barely see,
You can feel it coming closer,
The time has come to best it,
My limbs have no response,
You can sense it getting near.
This is where I fight.
My body won’t listen to me.
Your knees start to quiver,
My mind is quickly racing,
The pain so overwhelming,
The ground begins to quake,
My senses are at peak,
That I can’t even feel it,
Your heart is being tested,
My will to live compels me,
But why am I still living,
To run is a mistake.
There’s no time to be weak.
Has my life refused to quit?
I can sense it coming,
I build a sudden vision,
The fog is slowing clearing,
The wind is getting chilly,
Of a victory drawing near,
All that’s left is shown,
What’s this thing I’m feeling,
Yet again it overpowers,
Nothing lays before me,
The urge of something trying to
This never ending fear.
Thoughts conjured on my own.
kill me.
二十
JetFuel
Zero Like Me
Fall 2012 “Mulligan”
-Reuxben
二十一
JetFuel
Zero Like Me
Fall 2012 “Upkeep”
-Reuxben
二十二
JetFuel
Horror Film Titles Competition! So after 93 entries we have managed to compile a Top 5 candy winning list of Horror Films You Would Like to See Made. In no particular order…
Fall 2012
Winners! Akira Kurosawa’s: Slashomon (Rachel Ball) So I Married a Salaryman (Rachel Ball) Snakes on a Plane II: Snakes on a Boat! (Cordelia Siporin)
I Know What You Did Last Natsuyasumi! (Jonny Tat)
No More Half-day Fridays!!! (Anony-mau5)
二十三
JetFuel
Horror Film Titles Competition! Honourable Mentions
Fall 2012
JET Cemetery
Tojimbo: First Blood
DROP BEARS! Death from Above
I Know Who You Did Last Sayonara Party
I Know What You Did Last Sayonara Party I Know You Ate Natto Last Summer Aliens...In Space! ...Oh, Wait
Dude with a Lobster Claw I Bought a Yellow Plate
Gaijin on a Train!
Mikuni Halloween Blood Train VII
The Night of the Living Dead Obaasans
The Bling - Revenge of the Merchandise Scar Wars IV: A Sinew Hope Scar Wars V: The Emperor Penguin Bites Back Scar Wars VI: Return of the Red-Eye (penguin) The Anti-Fist
The Passion of the Fist
Howl’s Haunted Castle
Pom Poko-Your Eye Out
My Neighbour Toto-ally Massacred Everyone in My Street
Sweet Revenge – (Scorned one too many times the protagonist takes sweet revenge by dispatching his scorners with a knife made of dark, bitter chocolate which he eats afterwards to hide the evidence!) Vote for your favorites on the FJET facebook page! Look for the poll!
二十四
JetFuel
ALTer Egos
Fall 2012 The recent presidential debates came to an unexpected end earlier this month when a young man, named unofficially as Jonny Tat, took centre stage. He admonished the two presidential candidates for talking “bullshit” and, in a bizarre twist, has since topped the opinion polls for “The next president of the US”. He was seen later that night laughing with both the presidential candidates at a local backgammon club. CEO of Fox Broadcasting, Brad Muffin, later commented: “It’s a mixed blessing. It certainly seems to have settled the rivalry between the two major US political parties, but it’s really screwed things up for our up-coming reality show ‘US’s Next Top President’”. He added, “Don’t quote me on that”. The gun brandishing pioneer of the uprising youth of America is said to have, rather ironically, taken his inspiration for this somewhat bizarre intervention from the recent movie
blockbuster “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. Speculation over his true motive remains unclear, however the number of vampires have reportedly dropped since his first appearance. Whether this is the much needed turn in the right direction for the US is yet to be seen, but Jonny Tat is the first person since Mike Tyson (in 2002) to beat Obama and Romney at backgammon in consecutive matches.
“ALTer Egos” is written by Fukui’s number 1 investigative reporter: Privatel. If you have any pictures or hot tips that you would like to send to him, please contact his liaisons at: fukuijetfuel@gmail.com.
二十五
JetFuel
Horror-scopes
Fall 2012
With Halloween just round the dark and eerie corner, we contacted Fukui’s local clairvoyant, Claire Voyeur, and asked her to provide us with some predictions for the forthcoming year based on people’s birth signs. WARNING! If you are in anyway superstitious, of a fragile mind or susceptible to mad ramblings of a crazy women who has obviously watched one too many horror films, imbibed herself with one too many sakes and wears a colander on her head, then do not read any further! Even though she is widely regarded to be as mad as a box of frogs on acid, she does have a spookily high success rate in the predicting of future events. If you would prefer your horrifically grizzly death to remain a surprise until the day it comes – STOP READING NOW! You’re still here I see… okay… on your severed head be it!
Aries March 21—April 19 Taurus April 20 – May 20
During a visit to Awara’s secret underground animal gene splicing research centre you will be bitten by an infected capuchin monkey. Suffering from dizziness and hallucinations, a passing stranger hears your incoherent mumblings, and calls an ambulance. Unfortunately, en-route to the hospital the ambulance will be involved in a traffic accident in which you break your scaphoid bone in your wrist. Thanks to the expert medical treatment on hand, the mysterious animal borne infection is discovered and the antidote applied with just seconds before the damage is irreversible. The only lasting side effect being a tendency to pass wind through all facial orifices. But don’t worry about enduring a life of constant mocking at this unfortunate side effect as you will contract MRSA whilst they operate on your scaphoid bone and you will die two months later.
Gemini 21st May – June 20th Cancer June 21st – July 22nd
Whilst on a raucous drinking binge in Katamachi you will feel the urge to satiate your
二十六
JetFuel
Horror-scopes
Fall 2012
penchant for late night karaage and make an ill-advised trip to the local Family Mart. What you fail to realize in your drunken state is that the Family Mart has been taken over by a family of Martians with a penchant for probes, anal and otherwise. Once you’ve had your fill (of karaage) the chloroform-laced chicken causes you to pass-out leaving you at the mercy of the Martian masochists. Several hours later, as you waddle down the mean streets of Katamachi like a saddlesore John Wayne, you trip and fall down a drain breaking your neck and have your internal organs eaten by rats.
Leo July 23 – August 22 Virgo August 23 – September 22
If you go down to the woods on Thursday you’ll be sure to get a surprise when a hungry asthmatic bear attacks you and your friends. Fortunately, your friends have been spending a lot of time in their local gym and are able to run to safety. Unfortunately, you have neglected your local gym and the bear brings you down. Despite the bear’s respiratory problems, it is still able to eat half your face off before your friends summon help from the local ranger who shoots the bear dead. After pioneering surgery, a successful face transplant restores you back to your former glory and you go on to live an adequate life… until three days later you are shot dead by an FBI agent - as it transpires the transplanted face belonged to Carlos McVilla who is currently occupying the much coveted number one spot on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. But don’t worry, most of your friends will be okay.
Libra September 23rd – October 22nd Scorpio October 23rd – November 21st
On an unexpectedly clement Mikuni day, you decide to go for a swim at Sunset Beach. Whilst swimming, you are attacked by a rabid dolphin who continually attempts to pull you down to a watery death. Fortunately a lonesome great white shark, who has been shunned by its own kind - and therefore decided to explore the outer reaches of their usual hunting grounds, passes by and is attracted by the commotion. The shark comes to your rescue by delivering a devastating bite to the dolphin’s abdomen, be-
二十七
JetFuel
Horror-scopes
Fall 2012
fore swimming off to make up with his friends. By this point the sun has gone down and in a disorientated and pre-hypothermic state you are unable to tell which way the shore is. As you shiver and contemplate your demise you suddenly remember the scene from The Empire Strikes Back in which Han Solo puts Luke inside a tauntaun. So you climb into the dolphin’s abdomen to seek life-saving warmth. You position yourself so you can breathe through the dolphin’s blowhole and hope you will drift ashore. Praise the Gods! You wake next morning to peek out of the blowhole and see land. Kicking your legs you manage to reach the shore. However, you look up and use your mad Nihongo skills to read the beach sign, which reads: Welcome to Taiji, Wakayama. As you think to yourself, Why does that sound familiar? from nowhere a spear penetrates the dolphin’s back and disembowels you, and you remember – Oh yeah, that’s the place where they eat dolphins, bugger!
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You get asked to be a chaperone for your base school’s trip to Tokyo zoo! Woo hoo! The trip goes well as you encourage your students to use English at every given opportunity. One particular student is a massive chimpanzee fan so you decide to accompany him to the chimpanzee enclosure. Being such a barmy hot summer’s day the chimps are in high spirits – and we all know what that means – the shit will fly. As you are explaining the pronunciation of “faeces” you spot an adolescent chimp going ape shit, throwing crap left, right, and center. From the peripheral of your vision, you spot a brown-town missile heading straight for the chimpanzee enthusiast student, but not wanting the shit to hit the fan (see what I did there?) you bravely dive into the path of the oncoming poo-jectile which strikes you square in the face. Stumbling backwards you knock a baby’s pram over the railings into the lion’s enclosure. Managing to wipe most of the simian defecation from your vision you once again leap into action as you clamber down into the lion’s den. A large female lion is about to chow down on the baby size snack when you fling the remaining chimp waste at the lion striking it square in the eye. While it is temporary blinded, you manage to pluck the baby from the carriage and pass it up to safety. Unfortunately, your legs are badly savaged as a game of tug-o-war is waged between zookeepers and lions. You are eventually pulled free minus the skin on both legs and having had both wrists dis-
二十八
JetFuel
Horror-scopes located.
Fall 2012
Fearing you could contract some hideous disease from the monkey poop, you are hauled to your feet and rushed to the first aid officer, however, you fall and trip on an escaped penguin returning to the zoo after its travels. You fall and dash your head open on an iron statuette of an armadillo, falling into a coma and passing away the next day.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Pisces February 19 – March 20
Having lost most of your friends to unfortunate and highly unlikely horrific events you decide the safest thing to do is stay indoors and watch a good movie. You decide to play it safe and rent Toy Story 3D. However, the DVD delivery van broke down outside Fukui Nuclear Power Plant and became infected with radioactive toxins. Luckily the DVD still works, unluckily the contamination causes a weird anomaly. Initially you are amazed at the 3D effects, as it appears Lotso the bear has actually crawled out of your TV screen and is dragging himself across your tatami towards you and your bowl of salted popcorn. It’s only when he pulls the bowl from your hands you realize the horrifying truth. You escape to the kitchen where a utensil battle with Lotso ensues. Eventually, you manage to overpower him and lay waste to him with an electric whisk. The following day you awake with a renewed vigor for life and a determination to make the best of the days you have left. You promise to study harder at Japanese and help old ladies carry their shopping, but first you want to tell your friends about the amazing events of the previous night so you join them at Rent-A-Car Karaoke. Your friends however scorn and mock you for telling such an outlandish story. This continues for 2 months until all becomes too much and you take your own life with the very same electric whisk you dispatched Lotso with.
Happy Halloween Y’all!!! MWA HA HA HA HAAAA! -Claire Voyeur
二十九
JetFuel
Hilarious Student Fuck-ups! Censorship.
Fall 2012
So… the upper echelons of power have placed a ban on all publication of student work regardless whether the student and school’s identity remain anonymous. (This ban also includes postings on In Your Facebook.) Only minutes before we were informed of this ban, I had just completed an article on this very subject with accompanying examples of profound, subversive, enlightening and purely genuine comedy genius from our amazing students. Left with a gaping hole in the first edition of JetFuel Re-born I have filled the page space with the following piece concerning school censorship: Rejected Exam Questions. Every semester I have to devise an exam for my ichi-nensei, every semester I try to throw in a couple of comedy answers, every semester my efforts are censored. But finally… I have some power to abuse, and I shall. Having been made co-editor of JetFuel, my pointless endeavors born from boredom and a misguided sense of mischief can now be published in all their nonsensical uncensored glory. The following are all questions that I have been politely informed - are not suitable for an official end of semester exam. 1.What is Simon’s sister called? (1 mark) A. Simon. B. Emily. C. Gyles. D. Archbishop Desmond Tutu 5. Whose birthday is in the summer? (1 mark) A. Simon’s B. Simon’s sister’s C. Simon’s mother’s D. Too many people to name all of them. Simon’s sister and Nobel prize-winner Desmond Ballet Skirt
3. How often do people in Thailand usually eat rice? (1 mark) A. Every meal B. Every month C. Every breath you take D. Every little thing she does is magic
That’s all I want to say to you.
三十
JetFuel
Hilarious Hilarious Student Student Fuck-ups! Fuck-ups!
Fall 2012
7. What does Jack Valentine do? (1 mark) A. Knocks on the door and leaves candy. B. Knocks on the door and runs away. C. Knocks on the door and reads a poem. D. Breaks people’s windows and shaves their cats.
Also not Simon’s cat.
Not Simon’s cat.
Answers 1-D, 5-D, 3-A, 7-A but also sometimes D
Questions I have managed to get past the censors!!! 1. What is Simon’s name? A) Simon B) Luffy C) David Beckham 11. What colour socks is Simon wearing today? A) Blue B) Black C) Green 2. What does Ayano think is boring? (1 mark) A) The décor in Hachi Ban Ramen. B) The atmosphere in Hachi Ban Ramen. C) The food in Atomu Sushi. D) Simon. Fig. 85.—Vertical Boring previous to Chiselling.
5. What is Simon’s favourite dish? (1 mark) A) Octopus B) None of them C) All of them D) Pokemon 6. Why is Atomu Sushi restaurant closed? (1 mark) A) Because it is too late at night. B) Because the staff members are too lazy to work. C) Because too many staff members are sick. D) Because it was destroyed by a dinosaur. Dramatised reenactment of actual events
8. What does Ayano want to eat for dessert? (1 mark) A) Cheese cake B) Food poisoning C) Strawberry flavoured ice-cream D) Pizza flavoured ice-cream Answers: 1-A 11-B 2-D 5-C 6-C 8-B
Grade: ___/10
三十一
JetFuel
Ask Mario ~
(your problems solved!)
Fall 2012
As you may, or may not know, English Premier League footballers are widely renowned for their superior intellect, astute judgment and general all-around common sense. Therefore, when JetFuel decided to commission a Problem Page and recruit a regular columnist to act as the Agony Aunt we looked no further than the wise sage of sensibility - Mario “Bibotelli” Balotelli.
Dear Mr Balotelli, I work really hard as an ALT all week and when I get home in the evenings I’m so tired that I can’t be bothered to do my household chores like take out the recycling, wash the dishes and so on. All I want to do is relax and watch an episode of One Piece, but these jobs won’t do themselves. What should I do? Yours sincerely, One Pieced Off ALT!
Dear One Peace of ALT, I feelin your pain. So, what you wanna do is this – while watching your Green Peace show you should sit on both of your hands until they go completely dead. Then when the show is finished do the washing-up or take out the rubbish – and because your hands will be numb it’ll feel like someone else is doing it for you! Simples, Marrio
三十二
JetFuel
Ask Mario ~
(your problems solved!)
Dear Botticelli, Due to the recent global economic decline I have found I am strug-
Fall 2012
gling to afford the little luxuries in life I have been accustomed to for so long, such as packets of wasabi peas individually painted with replicas of renaissance classic paintings. So, my question is how can I save a little bit of extra money so I can afford the odd little treat? Yours faithfully, Pea’d Off Painting Fan p.s could you please send me a signed copy of The Birth of Venus.
Deer Pee Panting Fan, This is very easy, Thee’s a very easy way to save money off your electricity bill and not waste power – simply turn off the lights every time you blink. You’re welcome innit. Mairio p.s. what?
If you are in any doubt of Mario’s credentials please check out the following link… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfgNoxymiyA (or just You Tube “Bibotelli”)
三十三
JetFuel
Ask Mario ~
(your problems solved!)
Dear Mario,
Fall 2012
I am currently working in Japan, however I come from the United States of the USA where my kitchen was so big that the refrigerator was in a different time zone to the oven. In Japan the kitchens are very small so I find it difficult to prepare my meals. Do you have any advice for me? Yours truly, Sceptic Hank p.s could you please send me a signed soccer jersey or a new pair of cleats.
Dear Spectic Hank, You just got to use you’re head a bit and think outside the penalty box, or outside the kitchen. Thier are many things in the house that can have 2 uses. For exsarmple You can use your electric kettle to boil peas. Also I often use my ex-girlfriend’s hair striaghtners to cook rashers of bacon. And if you line your washing machine with sandpaper you can use it to peel potatoes on a delicates cold wash cycle. Then afterwards put on it on hot whites cycle and you can cook them too. And there you have it a newtri- newtrish- nuwtrish- nutricoishelthy meal of boiled potatoes and peas and bacon. Maryo p.s I haven’t got no spare socks and JETFuel said we can’t send prizes to Crete anyway.
If you have any problems or lifestyle tips to contribute to Mario’s column please e-mail them to fukuijetfuel@gmail.com subject line: Ask Mario and we’ll make sure Mario tries to read them.
三十四
JetFuel
Survivor PLAYER 1: ________________.
Score: 00
Lives:
Survivor! Fall 2012
The Interactive Game of Life and Death. Your eyes slowly blink open and as your blurred vision returns to normal you sit up to discover you’re in an empty room, or maybe a cell? You feel groggy and your limbs ache. You check yourself over but there doesn’t to be any obvious injuries. The clothes you find yourself wearing are not your own; they’re basic once-white standard issue, prison? Hospital? Asylum? The pockets are empty and you have no shoes or socks on.
You scan the room. In one corner is a cleaning cupboard. On the far side of the room there 3 solid oak doors, each with a tiny spy hole. You stretch your limbs, bringing life back into them. First you check the cupboard. There are three items inside. Each item is large and cumbersome, and although your strength is slowly returning, you know you will only be able to carry one item. Choose wisely your life may very well depend on it (or at least one of your lives). Choose an item: A) Upright Vacuum Cleaner
B) A Huge Bottle of Bleach
C) An Ironing board
D) Nothing
三十五
JetFuel
Survivor Really? Are you sure? Okay... if that’s your decision so be it. You go over to the wooden doors and check each room through the spy hole.
Fall 2012
Room A) A room containing 4 hungry lions who haven’t eaten for months. Room B) A room with 10 angry men with guns and bottle of whisky but no bullets. Room C) A randomly rotating room with 1,000 rusty razor blades on the floor? Well... what are you doing you can’t stay here forever, you’ve got to choose a room. ...But wait, now you have had a chance to see into the rooms would you like to change your mind about the object you have taken from the cleaning cupboard? It’s your last chance… Item: Choose a Room: A)
B)
C)
Room: You take a deep preparatory breath, after careful (I hope!) consideration you’ve finally made your mind up, you’ve made your choice, there’s no going back now, this is where your quest for survival begins. As your hand clutches the cold iron bolt, you can’t help but to notice how much it is trembling, you tell yourself it’s fatigue not fear, but which one is actually the worse state to be in right now? You draw back the bolt, you take one last peek through the spy hole at what you have chosen to face, this is it... good luck, God speed and may the force be with you! Item: Room:
Be sure to tune in next issue to see if the decisions you just made have saved your life!!!
三十六
JetFuel
Back Page Comics “Oinking”
Fall 2012 “Old Timer”
“Male Feminist”
“Zero Like Me”
-Reuxben
Thanks for reading the JetFuel. Send comments and submissions by February 1st to fukuijetfuel@gmail.com.