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HOUGH IT’S BEEN YEARS,I can still hear the sound of my father’s voice reading Uncle
Wiggly to me at bedtime. My parents divorced when I was a preteen and I haven’t needed bedtime stories for decades now, but I still have the book. Though it’s tattered {PUBLISHER} Elisa Morgan, M.Div.
and worn, it represents a connection I had with the man I call “Dad.”
That’s what stories do: they connect us. To ourselves. To each other. To our heavenly father. To our past. And sometimes even to the future. Our unwritten stories propel us forward even though we don’t know where we’re headed or what’s around the next bend. I had no idea my own story would include a position as managing editor for FullFill™. But I’m so pleased to have the chance to help craft the material you’re about to read. It was awe-inspiring to watch the theme develop into a single storyline though our writers don’t know each other, live in different parts of the country, and have very different stories of their own. As you immerse yourself in their stories, we hope and pray you’ll be challenged to look at your own narrative and how it affects who you are and what you can do to share hope and encouragement in your role as a woman of influence. Our theme article is by Carol Kuykendall, author of Five Star Families: Moving Yours from Good to Great and contributor to Guideposts magazine. Carol has launched a “Stories” ministry designed to train women to recognize, organize and tell their own stories. In this issue of FullFill™ she’ll teach you to pay attention to your tale so you can use it to communicate more deeply with others. It’s a concept that works in any environment — your home, your church, your neighborhood, or your workplace. In fact, leaders all over the country are learning to use the power of story to connect and encourage others with more impact than ever before. Our feature interview this month is with Moe Girkins, president of Zondervan Publishing. Her
{MANAGING EDITOR} Mary Byers, B.A. {ART DIRECTOR + GRAPHIC DESIGNER}
story illustrates that God is powerful enough to connect the dots in our lives, pulling together seemingly unrelated experiences for whatever our present calling. I’m seeing this in my own life as I’m challenged to develop new skills while relying on ones I’ve used for years. It’s exciting to think about where I might be in a decade — and how God will continue to connect the dots over the continuum of my life. In addition to examining your own story, in this issue you’ll also learn how to “Spend a Half Day with God,” a concept worth embracing. Carving out a morning with the Master will further your personal story unlike any other discipline. And, if you or someone you know is currently dealing with unemployment, you’ll be interested in “The Healing Journey Through Job Loss.” As you read, be sure to use the links at the top of many pages to get additional information for the complete FullFill™ experience. Regardless of where you are in your own story, rest assured that God is at work. We aren’t always able to see the foreshadowing or discern the denouement, but the master storyteller is using you and your story to further his Kingdom. He’s at work in your life in ways you don’t even know, and may not even recognize. But when you’re a Jesus follower, the story always has a powerful — and eternal — ending.
M. Byers MANAGING EDITOR, writer@FullFill.org
Cindy Young ADVISORS
Tracey Bianchi, M.Div. SPEAKER AND WRITER ELMHURST, IL
Beth Flambures,
C.P.A.
BUSINESSWOMAN
Carla Foote,
M.A.
DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS, MOPS INTERNATIONAL
Phyllis H. Hendry PRESIDENT, LEAD LIKE JESUS
Bev Hislop, D.Min. ASSISTANT PROFESSOR, WESTERN SEMINARY
Carolyn Custis James, M.A. PRESIDENT, WHITBY FORUM FOUNDER + PRESIDENT, SYNERGY FOR WOMEN
Laurie McIntyre, M.A.C.E. PASTOR OF WOMEN2DAY, ELMBROOK CHURCH
Patricia Raybon, M.A. RETIRED, UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM
Liz Selzer,
M.A. M.Div., Ph.D.
DIRECTOR OF MINISTRY ENGAGEMENT, MOPS INTERNATIONAL
FullFill™ P.O. Box 461546 Aurora, CO 80046
Join FullFill™ at FullFill.org. Contact us at info@FullFill.org Faith position statement and writer’s guidelines available at FullFill.org. The purpose of FullFill™ magazine is to equip women to recognize, utilize and maximize their influence in all the spheres of their lives. All opinions expressed are those of the writers and are not necessarily those of FullFill™ magazine or Mission: Momentum. The magazine promotes thoughtful dialogue and appropriate action as women use their gifts and abilities for kingdom purposes. FullFill™ is a ministry of Mission: Momentum.
Copyright 2009 Mission: Momentum.
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FRONT COVER © LOBKE PEERS / ISTOCK BACK COVER © KAZ CHIBA / STONE / GETTYIMAGES
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We are most useful when we’re willing
in focus
IAN MITCHINSON/WORLDOFSTOCK + C.GÖKHAN PALAS/A.STSIAZHYN/ISTOCK
“
Power of Story
to share our honest stories about the brokenness in our lives. That’s not a simple process.
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— CAROL KUYKENDALL
Fall
2009
18 COACHING COMMUNITY :
Generations: The Differences that Make a Difference By Liz Selzer
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NO STORY TO TELL? By Barb Eimer
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TURNING TRIALS TO TRIUMPH By Mary DeMuth
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LIVING MY STORY DAY TO DAY By Angel Richard
THINK :
Your Place in the Story
10 SPEND A HALF DAY WITH GOD By Bev Hislop
By Carolyn Custis James
13 THE PRACTICE OF PAYING ATTENTION By Ruth Haley Barton
25 FOUR-LETTER WORD:
Pink
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14 CONNECTING THE DOTS: MAUREEN “MOE” GIRKINS An interview by Elisa Morgan
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20 RESTING SPACE
MALE BOX:
Take Advantage of Your Advantages By Dr. John Townsend
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22 LIFE ISSUES: THE HEALING JOURNEY THROUGH JOB LOSS 23 OVERFLOW: DEVOTIONAL LIFE
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Classic Thought By Oswald Chambers Contemporary Reflection By Anita Lustrea
MY FILL:
Telling Stories By Elisa Morgan
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s the service started one recent Sunday morning, I began fixating on my shoes. Why did I choose them this morning? Why are they even in my closet? And what about my shockingly white ankles? Really, I should not go out in public unless I use that self-tanning lotion. What is the one my daughter uses? I was totally absorbed in my critical analysis … until the speaker began telling her story about trying to climb Half Dome in Yosemite. Within seconds, I was drawn into the narrative with funny descriptions about how unprepared she was, how little she knew about the journey and her regrettable decision to turn around just short of the summit because she didn’t know what awaited at the top. I could smell the pine trees and feel the burn of her aching muscles. >>
■ Carol Kuykendall helped create and launch Stories, a new ministry for women at her local church. Her passion is to train women to recognize, organize and tell their own stories. She is author and co-author of nine books, and former Director of Leadership Development at MOPS International where she still serves as a consulting editor.
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Most leaders are used to communicating with teacher/ preacher voices, especially in Christian settings, which can send a listener’s attention straight to her ankles. But when we tell a story, people listen differently. IAN MITCHINSON/WORLD OF STOCK
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Skillfully, she wove spiritual truths into this story that turned out to be a description of her faith journey, and I left church that day — not thinking about my shoes or ankles — but motivated to learn more about the summit of my faith: heaven. I also felt more connected to this woman because of her revealing honesty, which gave me permission to be equally honest regarding my own lack of knowledge and doubts about heaven. I was not alone. Her story triggered great conversations with my husband and friends, not only on the way out of church, but throughout the next week. I remembered her story. Most leaders are used to communicating with teacher/preacher voices, especially in Christian settings, which can send a listener’s attention straight to her ankles. But when we tell a story, people listen differently. Story has the power to motivate and engage. Story helps us to know God, ourselves and each other more intimately. The word story actually means “to know.” And we all have an insatiable hunger to know and be known. Surely God breathed that need into our souls at creation so that we would seek to be in close relationship with him and each other. We see this hunger lived out in our culture today. We are experiential people who want to know how others face challenges, make choices and experience the consequences. That’s why reality TV is so popular. That’s why Oprah plops people down on her couch to tell their bizarre or heart-wrenching stories. It’s what makes us sneak People magazine off the rack at the checkout counter to quickly catch up on the details of some celebrity’s experience. The power of stories is nothing new. God tells us about himself through stories. In fact, seventy percent of the Bible is made up of stories. Jesus told stories about ordinary things such as shepherds and farmers, lost sheep and a lost son. As postmodern people, we demand communication that is both experiential and authentic. “Experience is one of the primary languages of postmodern culture,” writes Mark Miller in his book Experiential Storytelling. “This has vast implications for the Church. Spiritually, it means that people are more open and ready than ever to experience the mystery and awesome power of God.” Stories have the power to make God and faith more real to us. Intellectually I might know that God desires good to grow out of every difficult circumstance, but that truth becomes more real when I hear a story of someone who survived a painful divorce and discovered she was capable of far more than she ever imagined. The message becomes, “if she can find good in hard things, maybe I can too.” Stories have power because they motivate us to change. They package life lessons in narratives that are easily remembered. While many forms of communication tell us what to think, stories allow us to draw our own conclusions. And we are most motivated by what we discover for ourselves. No wonder stories have gentle power with not-yet-believers. Regardless of where someone is on a faith journey, a story is non-threatening. It doesn’t ask anything of the listener except to listen. No one can argue the truth of a personal experience. Stories also connect us with each other. They become windows into each other’s souls.
Who is a Storyteller?
Common Elements of Good Stories All good stories — whether Cinderella, the Prodigal Son in the Bible or the personal experience of climbing Half Dome — have several common elements, including character, conflict and change. If the story is personal, you are the main character. But the character might be a person in the Bible, a historical figure or someone you know. The conflict is the challenge faced. The greater the tension in the conflict, the more compelling the story. Standing in a store, trying to decide which dress to purchase is not a very compelling conflict — unless that choice represents the way you are dealing with a shopping addiction and the coping skills you’ve recently learned at a recovery group at your church. Change is the most powerful evidence of God at work in our lives. Change is most often found in the character, not the circumstances. Describing this change is how we give voice to our experiences of knowing God’s love or guidance or hope. His redemption. “When suffering shatters the carefully kept vase that is our lives, God stoops to pick up the pieces,” writes Ken Gire in The North Face of God. “But he doesn’t put them back together as a restoration project patterned after our former selves. Instead, he sifts through the rubble and selects some of the shards as raw material for another project — a mosaic that tells the story of redemption.” It’s in this mosaic that our stories emerge, one shard at a time. And though the shards may be jagged, when they are reassembled by the one who created the universe, they make a compelling story indeed. ■
When Not to Tell Your Story Story is a powerful and effective means of communication. But sometimes you should NOT tell your story:
Finding Our Stories In leadership, we are constantly asked to inform, encourage and connect people around common goals and vision. These questions might help you discover a story relevant to your message as an illustration or way to creatively package the content: How can I illustrate this message with an example out of my life? Another person’s life (with permission, of course)? What person in the Bible exemplifies this point? How did I learn this skill (life lesson or reality of God’s promise)? What am I learning about myself as I face this challenge? What is my gap between knowing and doing this? Practicing the use of story means taking the time to mine the memories tucked into our souls. The result can provide a powerful and sacred experience, for both storyteller and listener.
When you are still too much in the middle of it. A woman wanted to tell her story about growing through an abusive relationship, but tearfully admitted she was now involved in a second abusive relationship. Her emotions were too raw and her story too unfinished — and the decision to wait brought enormous relief.
DINO OSMIC/ISTOCK
If you’ve ever suffered, faced a fear, felt disappointed, depressed or doubtful, and you still have your faith, you have a story to tell. And God intends us to tell our stories. “If you are going to be used by God, he will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all; they are meant to make you useful in his hands,” writes Oswald Chambers, a prominent 19th century minister and teacher. We are most useful when we’re willing to share our honest stories about the brokenness in our lives. That’s not a simple process. Storytelling often requires us to dig deeply into our souls to identify the defining moments that have shaped us into the people we are today. It means realizing that life is not only about what happens to us, but how we choose to respond to what happens to us. It means giving voice to our feelings and finding the connection — or gap — between what we believe and how we live our lives. Priest and author Henri Nouwen describes this as a willingness to tell the truth about the rhythm of both brokenness and renewal in our lives. In Eternal Seasons he writes, “I have always felt that, if you want to talk about hope, you have to talk about despair. If you want to talk about joy, you have to talk about darkness. If you want to speak about salvation, or redemption or freedom, it’s very important that you’re willing to speak about what you’re being redeemed from and what you’re being set free from. The spiritual life is a constant choice to let your negative experiences become an opportunity for conversion or renewal.” These are the hopeful stories others hunger to hear.
When it’s not your story to tell. A mother prepared a story about her son’s struggle with drugs, but realized this was his story and not hers. She was not free to tell it until she could re-organize it through her point of view and response as a mother. When the story might hurt or embarrass someone else. A young woman wanted to tell the story about her dysfunctional relationship with her mother, but decided she cannot tell the story while her mother is living. Often this choice can be made by asking: would I let that other person read this story?
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No Story To Tell? Finding, understanding unique voice is a lifelong process. Listen to these women share their voices and then consider your own.
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that story is somebody’s conversion experience, that’s even better. We long to hear the former drug addict or prostitute tell how God sought them out and turned their life around. My story…. isn’t like that. Oh, God brought me from darkness to light, just like he does when he saves every sinner, but my story doesn’t exactly pack a punch. I was born into a home with Christian parents and don’t remember a time when I didn’t know God. As I grew (in wisdom and stature), my understanding of him matured and at some point I became a believer. (Spoiler alert: I don’t even remember the day or the circumstances surrounding this event.) In my twenties, as I listened to my friends’ compelling stories, my lack of one bothered me. In fact, I became so upset that I prayed repeatedly asking God to show me when I was saved. Even though I knew my story would never be a “bestseller,” at least I would have one. Strangely enough, God didn’t answer that prayer the
way I wanted. He never showed me “the hour I first believed” but revealed how my personal story had been unfolding. He brought me back to moments through my life where I had been listening, obeying and trusting him as a result of my relationship with him. Now, in my forties, I see I don’t need a “wow” beginning as a starting point to share my faith. My work as a hospice volunteer and my daily interactions as a mom of six give me plenty of opportunities to do that. And while I understand my words are important and should never contradict my faith, sometimes it’s the little acts of kindness that mean the most. I like St. Francis of Assisi’s saying: “Preach the gospel always, if necessary, use words.” That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Barb Eimer is a freelance writer and the mother of six. She has written a humorous book on parenting entitled All My Favorite Colors are Red but her highest accolade came from her six-year-old son who once said, “You’re the best mom I ever had!” ■
CLAUDE BEAUBIEN/ISTOCK
and using your
VERYBODY LOVES AN EXCITING STORY. And when
By Barb Eimer
Turning Trials to Triumph By Mary DeMuth
RIGHT: MARIA GERASIMENKO/ISTOCK
FAR RIGHT: MICHAEL VALDEZ/ISTOCK
I
LIKE CRAFTING STORIES BECAUSE MY STORY IS SO PAINFULLY REDEMPTIVE. Having seen the hand of God reach down to me
when I was lost and needy and frail, and experiencing healing and complete life change because of his touch, I have a heart to share the beauty of how God turns our trials into triumph. I grew up in a home I didn’t want to duplicate: drugs, neglect, and sexual abuse at the hands of neighbor boys — all before I reached the age of six. An only child, I ran everywhere, always sure someone chased after me, bent on stealing my innocence. I believed I would die young and recognized that if anyone were to protect me, it would have to be me. I lived my childhood as a small adult, expending great amounts of fearful energy just to take care of my own safety. But even I couldn’t keep my father from dying when I was ten years old. I forged ahead, plunging myself into making high grades, where I felt some semblance of control. Trying to protect myself and finding success in academics did nothing to help me weather my junior high years. My mother’s third marriage broke up, leaving me a suicidal girl with a giant daddy-shaped hole. The school counselor gave me a hall pass to leave class when I felt tears erupting. He loved me, listened to me, and encouraged me. In high school, I met Jesus Christ through the ministry of Young Life. When I heard about Him, I knew. I knew he was the One who would never leave me. Who would protect me. Who would cheer for me. Who would inevitably heal me. But it took many years of prayers, close friends, counselors and the steady love of my husband to really grasp God’s healing which is why all I can do now is burst with the news of his redemption. By God’s grace, I’m a living picture of these verses: “Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things — and the things that are not — to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him” (1 Corinthians 2:26-29). I was not wise or influential. I was not of noble birth. But God chose me despite my frailty. If he can take the life of a scared, needy girl and make her whole, he can do the same for anyone. That’s why I write stories — to share the power of transformation, to give hope to victims of neglect, abuse and sexual sin, and to provide community for those who experience their pain utterly alone.
Mary DeMuth, author of six books, loves to help readers turn their trials to triumph. Mary and her family live in Texas after spending two and a half years planting a church in southern France. Her memoir Thin Places (Zondervan), which details the pain (and healing) of her childhood, releases January 2010. ■
Living My Story Day to Day By Angel Richard
I
LIVE WITH A GAP. It’s not the kind between your front teeth which might bring the possibility of making you a famous actress. It’s the gap between what I want and what I live with daily. The thing with gaps is that the larger they are the greater the pain. It’d be one thing if the gap came and went quickly but mine remains unpredictable and unresolved. I’m a mom with some unexpected scenarios in the lives of my children. Hence I experience seasons of grief, anger, disappointment, confusion, frustration, and exhaustion — often at the same moment. Initially I worked every strategy I could think of to close, if not obliterate, the gap. But when days became months and months turned to years, I knew I didn’t have the faintest idea how to live the story I’d been given. Even more obvious, I didn’t know how to live in my own brokenness and failing efforts to make life work. Without realizing it, I stepped onto holy ground when I uttered the word “Why?” God became a real father to wrestle with when I said, “How could you?” It opened a floodgate to the questions begging for interaction, which took me to the Bible searching for people who lived in gaps. I came to the Garden of Gethsemane where repeated pleas and intense emotions leapt off the page. I saw Jesus, his soul overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, asking that his “gap” be taken away. I heard his honesty before his friends and God. Felt his trusting surrender to the Father when the answer was “no.” In that instance I sensed his presence as I whispered, “You know.” Overworked strategies have given way to conversations with a counselor or friend, time marinating in the Bible, and a real experience of doing life with God. Don’t get me wrong; there are things to manage in my scenario. But what changed is me — not the size of the gap.
■ Angel Richard, is on the Executive Leadership Team with Synergy Women’s Network. She is a writer and frequent speaker at conferences, retreats and youth events and is finishing up her last class for a Masters in Biblical Studies from Reformed Theological Seminary. She lives in Florida with her husband and three sons.
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WOMAN RUNNING BY CLARISSA LEAHY/THE IMAGE BANK/GETTYIMAGES + DAYTIMER BY CENERI/ISTOCK
Spend
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by Bev Hislop
{ spiritual
couldn’t get the response of a prominent leader sitting next to me out of my mind: “It’s rare I have an hour… I can’t imagine a day or even half day to spend alone with God. Even if I could find the time, I wouldn’t have a clue what to do!” I remember thinking similar thoughts. But that was before I found myself at an emotional dead end, with little joy or ability to perform another day and I was forced to retreat. It was the best cul-de-sac I could have discovered. I found myself asking God, “Is my work at Western Seminary finished?” I sensed a respondent, “No.” “Then God,” I cried, “I desperately need my soul to be refreshed. I have nothing more to give. I am empty.” The longing for renewal was intense. Yet the strength to pursue it seemed to evaporate. >>
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A friend recommended I read Sacred Rhythms and Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton. Hesitantly, I began by agreeing to sit in God’s presence for thirty minutes, simply following the “Practice” at the end of one chapter. Even though spending time with God each morning was a long-time practice, this experience was different. I began slowly learning to excavate my own longings in God’s presence. I expanded my understanding of true silence and solitude. Soon thirty minutes turned into an hour, then two. Eventually I was eager to spend half a day, then a full day in silence and solitude. It has since become part of my monthly calendar. It is particularly challenging for leaders to avoid “leader fatigue syndrome.” We find it difficult to silence the “oughts” and “shoulds” long enough to listen to our deep desires. Acknowledging our longings can make us feel more vulnerable, at risk and out of control. The pressures of each day often force us to simply push harder, rather than step aside and spend extended time with God. Many of us are more tired at the soul level than we imagine. I once asked students in a leadership course for women if they knew how to refill their emotional tank. Only three out of twenty-five clearly knew what refreshed them. This may be the place to start in refreshing our souls. I am energized by nurturing God’s creations in my garden, listening to music — not while multi-tasking — but simply traveling with each twist and turn of the instrumentation. Little compares to riding a motorcycle or hiking up the mountains and into the valleys on a sunny day in the Northwest. Time at the Oregon coast seems to open my ears and eyes to God’s imprint. Snuggled into a soft chair by the fireplace with an intriguing biography or fiction on a wintery day softens my ambition and prepares my soul for a meaningful God encounter.
Getting Practical, Getting Started You may want to start with a small block of time. Following are some practical suggestions for beginning.
Bev Hislop, M.A.S.M., D.Min., is the Executive Director of the Women’s Center for Ministry and Associate Professor of Pastoral Care to Women at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon (westernseminary. edu). She is also the author of Shepherding a Woman’s Heart and was a major contributing author to the Women’s Ministry Handbook.
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SPACE: Enter a safe, quiet, comfortable place. Include items that help you focus, such as a lit candle, fresh flowers, soft pillows, or a place in the outdoors with a view of nature. Allow yourself a few minutes to find a comfortable position for your body. Breathe slowly and deeply. Become aware of God’s presence and your desires in his presence. Don’t rush anything or work to make it happen. UNPLUG: This may be the greatest challenge in the beginning. To enter into silence is to unplug technology as well as voices and to-do lists. Foster silence and solitude. DOWNLOAD: Since talking to God often focuses on a list of concerns, write down those concerns on a piece of paper. Then, set the paper aside, out of your line of sight. I envision walking this list of concerns into God’s office and putting them into his “in box,” then turning my back on them and walking out of the office.
INVITATION: Imagine yourself in the setting of Mark 10:46-52. Read the story slowly, putting yourself in the place of Bartimaeus. See yourself as the person needing something from Christ and ponder how you will capture Christ’s attention. What words will you use to call out to him? Imagine that in response to your cry, Jesus turns to you and asks, “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus so often asked a seemingly obvious question of those approaching him. It was clearly not for Jesus’ benefit, rather for the one answering. How will you respond to this question? Don’t hurry the answer. You may need to take a walk, curl up by the fireplace, or journal your response. Let your deepest desires surface and give your emotions freedom to express themselves. You are in the presence of Abba Father. He wants to hear you express your longings. He longs to commune with you on this deep level. Relish the intimacy. This segment may engulf much of your morning. RESPOND: Journal your responses and discoveries. Include specific scripture that spoke to you. How did I sense God’s presence with me today? What promptings did I hear? How did I respond? What questions remain? What will I take with me from today? Allow these thoughts to linger as you move to another setting. You may sip a refreshing iced tea or lemonade while you thank God for all that comes to your mind. Perhaps a walk or short bike ride — something physical — will better enable you to focus on the beauty of God’s creation and his love for you. Savor the incredible freedom in being chosen to be part of God’s family.
Make it Personal Make room for personality differences. My friend Julie spends regular time alone with the Lord but feels energized when she can talk with another friend about those experiences. Joyce and her husband spend a day away from home, intermittently spending time alone with God and time together sharing what they experienced. They incorporate time walking and plan something fun at the end of the day. Jody communes best with God when she is running or walking. She enjoys both in a half-day with God. Intentionality is essential. Do you expect to hear or see God in your day? If this is a new concept, begin by asking God to reveal himself to you in a way you can’t miss. After praying this, a friend realized the verse she received in a card that day was God lifting her heart in the midst of a very painful relationship. Another friend surprised by the bright sun in her face early that morning realized it was God’s way of greeting her with an early invitation to meet with him. Like a mom who wishes to fully convey to her toddler the blessed outcome of choosing to get the restorative rest so needed, God wants us to experience the indescribable difference of choosing to spend extended time resting in his presence — a difference that results in enhanced leadership and life. ■
The Practice of Paying Attention any of us are choosing to live lives that do not set us up to pay attention, to notice those places where God is at work and to ask ourselves what these things mean. We long for a word from the Lord, but somehow we have been suckered into believing that the pace we keep is what leadership requires. We slide inexorably into a way of life that offers little or no opportunity for paying attention and then wonder why we are not hearing from God when we need God most.
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I Must Turn Aside and Look at This Great Sight Learning to pay attention and knowing
By Ruth Haley Barton
Taken from Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership: Seeking God in the Crucible of Ministry by Ruth Haley Barton. Copyright © 2008 by Ruth Haley Barton. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press, PO Box 1400 Downers Grove, IL 60515. ivpress.com.
what to pay attention to is a key discipline for leaders but one that rarely comes naturally to those of us who are barreling through life with our eyes fixed on a goal. One of the downsides of visionary leadership is that we can get our sights set on something that is so far out in the future that we miss what’s going on in our life as it exists now. We are blind to the bush that is burning in our own backyard and the wisdom that is contained within it. We squander the gift of this day just as it is, these people just as they are, the uniqueness and the sweetness (even the bittersweetness) of this particular place on the journey just as it is, the voice of God calling to us in our own wilderness places. Amid the welter of possible distractions, leaders need time in solitude so that we can notice those things we would otherwise miss due to the pace and complexity of our lives. We need moments in our life when we let the chaos settle a bit and invite God to show us evidence of his presence at work in big ways and subtle ways and allow him to guide us in our understanding of what these things mean.
others and with my most authentic self. It is the experience of being off-center, full of turmoil, confusion and maybe even rebellion. Experiences of consolation and desolation are not right or wrong; they just are. They need not be particularly momentous; in fact, they might seem relatively inconsequential until we learn to pay attention and listen for what they have to tell us. God’s will for us is generally for us to do more of that which gives us life (John 10:10) and to turn away from those things that drain life from us and debilitate us. Many of our smaller decisions and most of our significant decisions — even those decisions that require us to choose between two equally good options — involve the ability to notice what brings a sense of life and freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17) to our most authentic self in God. As we become more attuned to these subtle spiritual dynamics, we are able to distinguish between what is good (what moves us toward God and his calling on our life) and what is evil (what draws us away from God).
Paying Attention to All Things Burning One of the most soul-strengthening things that can happen to a leader in the crucible of ministry is to know that God is at work, to hear a Voice speaking that is not our own. Paying attention to all things burning in and around us keeps us in touch with what is truest about God, ourselves and our world so that we can hear God calling us by name again. ■
Burning Hearts
Another way to stay in touch with the movement of God in our lives is to pay attention and give credence to that which burns within our own heart. The soulful leader trusts that in the midst of one’s very public existence something is going on in the deep interior spaces of the soul that warrants serious attention. St. Ignatius of Loyola describes these inner dynamics as consolation and desolation. Consolation is the interior movement of the heart that gives a deep sense of lifegiving connection with God, others and my most authentic self in God… Desolation is the loss of a sense of God’s presence. I feel out of touch with God, with
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Her life story is full of unexpected twists and turns and changing scenery. Yet God was leading and directing her very steps.
A Conversation with Maureen “Moe” Girkins by Elisa Morgan
Connecting a woman of influence
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Maureen “Moe” Girkins
Dots
After spending 25 years in the high-
tech industry at Fortune 100 companies AT&T, Motorola and Dell, Moe Girkins transferred her leadership skills to the publishing industry, where she now serves as WORLINE STUDIO
president and chief executive officer of Zondervan Publishing. The company produces Bibles and both Christian fiction and non-fiction, including Rick Warren’s bestseller, The Purpose Driven® Life. What Moe learned in the process of transferring her skills from one arena to another is that God wastes nothing. Instead, he connects the dots from our past to the present as preparation for the future that only he can see. FA L L 2 0 0 9
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How would you describe your journey to the presidency of Zondervan Publishing?
I’d use the word adventure. I had no idea I’d land here from where I started. I started in high tech and moved to publishing, two vastly different worlds. When I got to Zondervan, I thought, “Lord, help me connect these dots.” I can now look back and see some of the strategic things I learned that prepared me. First, I learned how to deal in an all men’s world where there isn’t a lot of respect for women. I had to earn respect and learn how to lead engineers around the world — sometimes in very difficult cultures. It was all training on how to engage men. Now, here I am in the Christian publishing world working with Christian leaders who for the most part haven’t encouraged women to be in leadership roles. Because of my past work history, I have a lot of training in this regard. Second, my entire career (other than Dell) was bringing to life the creativity of some very brilliant scientists. I had to learn how to inspire, encourage, translate, and cater to people with significant egos, who can be a little eccentric at times. But they all had gifts to offer. Now, instead of working with scientists, I work with amazing Christian authors. The key to success in publishing is taking really good care of them, despite their idiosyncrasies, and releasing their creative power. The third thing I’ve learned is not to take things personally. What is different about leading a Christian company than leading a secular organization? How are you different?
You were raised in a large Catholic home with five brothers and sisters. Growing up, who was God to you?
My earliest memory of childhood was my relationship with Jesus … I found my home in church. As a little girl I went to church every single day, from six years old on. I would talk to God and I felt Jesus was there but I didn’t grow beyond this very personal relationship. Though I went to parochial school, the Bible was never introduced to us.
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Looking back, can you see now how God was preparing you to lead?
He wired me to be extraordinarily bold and direct. The Catholic school I attended as a child did not hire substitute teachers. I was pulled out of 7th grade and taught 1st through 3rd grade. I gravitated toward leadership roles naturally. How are you uniquely equipped to lead Zondervan today? Why do you believe God picked you?
I was different. I wasn’t raised evangelical. I wasn’t in publishing. I wasn’t a guy. God wants change. I believe he wants to use the internet to bring the Bible alive. I believe it was time for a fresh look. I also think that because I was in a very complex, technological world in telecommunications, I was prepared. I have a fair amount of experience in weaving architectures for industries so that many people prosper, not just the owners of companies. In my past, I helped define the standards where systems and people could communicate. That’s what’s needed now. Most of us face unexpected and challenging seasons in our leadership. What have your seasons looked like and how did you navigate through them?
The most difficult season of my life was not getting pregnant. I’d wanted children and I had to go through a great deal of testing, humiliation and crazy ideas from crazy doctors. I felt it was important that I remain faithful when I felt pretty abandoned while trying to decide about adoption and fertility things that had moral and personal implications. And there was marital stress. There were conflicts on so many levels. The divorce was also very hard. It was very discombobulating. You are married and have three grown children. How do you integrate your multiple “selves?”
I drive 90 miles roundtrip so I can live closer to my adult children. When children leave the house it’s a scary thing because they don’t always stay connected — particularly boys. So I go out of my way to make it easy and fun and inviting for them to be with me. I take work and family life seriously. For women whose children are still at home, plan ahead that this day will come. We have traditions. One is family vacations. As long as you’re willing to pay, they’ll come with you! So I save money so that twice a year we can go play together. We just built a home. It’s modest with 3 bedrooms. But beds come out of walls and the ceiling and the house sleeps 25 people. I do crazy things to stay connected to my family.
JAMES EDMON/ISTOCK
For me the biggest difference is that my current environment allows me to be aware of, and conscientious of, God all day. We start meetings with prayer. We talk about our spiritual journeys and issues. The conversations are much different. God is present and enters on a continual basis. When I was in secular roles … I had a wonderful relationship with Jesus Christ but I didn’t understand that all my gifts and talents were his and to be used for his purposes. I led with the understanding that these gifts were mine when they were not. My faith has grown. I follow God’s leadership. I’m not in charge like I used to be. He’s in charge. I was frightened at first when I took the job at Zondervan. I didn’t know if I would be able to do this. I’m a very in-charge person. Now I’m very comfortable in following him as he constantly invents a new way.
I came to know the Lord differently through my current husband. I went through a divorce and that rocked my world. I was seeking answers and in the process a man who was a lifelong friend introduced me to the Bible. It opened up a new level of faith to me. We were later married.
What grows you? How do you make room for it?
I spend one hour every morning walking no matter what the weather. It’s my meditation time. I do a devotional every day with my husband. I’m in the car 1.5 hours a day and I listen to Christian radio and find it very helpful. I choose to spend time around people who are teaching me and I’m always learning from everyone around. What shrinks you? How do you avoid it?
WORLINE STUDIO
I don’t shrink as much as I used to. If I go back and say what did shrink me, it was people’s disapproval. I was the type of person who every time someone lost to me in racquetball, they’d freak out and I’d back off and they’d win. It kept happening and I’d get lower and lower in the rankings. I had to pump myself up to say, “Your goal is to win — not to be liked or avoid anger.” Those are the types of things we do to try to be peacemakers as women and I’m not doing them anymore. In the teenage years my children shrunk me. It’s unavoidable. You have to refuel on a daily basis so that when those moments come you can handle them.
ABOVE: BACK ROW:
Michael, Kim, Brian FRONT ROW:
Blair, Rebel, Moe Moe with her mother at a book signing.
RIGHT:
As you look at the horizon ahead, what qualities do you believe will be essential for women in leadership arenas — whether personal or professional, secular or faith-based, vocational or lay?
BELOW: Making family life a priority included Moe attending Michael’s baseball games.
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None of us is perfect and usually we learn a great deal about ourselves through transition —about our ego, our neediness, things we don’t want to know.
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Be comfortable with yourself. Know yourself. As women we are raised to please others and we get an early start as young girls by viewing ourselves through others’ eyes. That can be debilitating. It’s knowing and loving yourself and letting that love shine through that the world needs in you. I remember the first time I received critical feedback. I started crying. My boss told me I was being too defensive. I was 24 years old. We can’t be like that. We need to say “Okay, I am wrong here.” We think we can be perfect and we can’t. What would you say to a woman who is in transition in her life and/or in her leadership?
Be faithful. Transition is a sign that God loves us. None of us is perfect and usually we learn a great deal about ourselves through transition — about our ego, our neediness, things we don’t want to know. So be grateful. Without transitions, we wouldn’t be ready for the next role. How people respond to their greatest failure helps me know who they are. People who fail are more equipped. If you’ve been through tough transitions, you learn respect for others. ■
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coaching
Liz Selzer, Ph.D., is Director of Ministry Engagement for MOPS International and adjunct professor at Denver Seminary and Colorado Christian University and trainer for The Mentoring Group. Liz enjoys teaching women to gain perspective on the ways they ca be used in the kingdom.
community
Generations: The Differences that Make a Difference By Liz Selzer
A synopsis of what makes each generation unique*
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*Summarized from information by Trust Works Group Inc.
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WHAT WE CAN DO
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UR WORKPLACES, WHETHER SECULAR BUSINESS, NON-PROFIT, OR CHURCH RELATED, function because of the efforts
of the people inside. The beauty is that the very best things happen in the course of our relationships with people. The down side is that often the most hurtful things also happen in the course of our relationships with people. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings are a part of working with other human beings. Interestingly, when we get our feelings hurt by another person, 85% of the time the other person does not intend to hurt us and is often unaware that they even did. We can go a long way in avoiding unnecessary bumps in our relationships with others given appropriate expectations and clear communication. The generation we grew up in will be the most comfortable for us. As we see the differences in how each generation is typically motivated and what they value, it is clear why misunderstandings and frustrations occur. But we can’t ignore these differences and assume everyone we work with values exactly what we value and is motivated in the same ways we are motivated. For example, a Baby Boomer might look at a Millennial and be frustrated with what appears to be a poor work ethic. A Gen Xer might look at a Traditionalist and think “that person needs to find a life outside of work, what is wrong with them?” The key to working together is respect and understanding. This includes clear communication.
If we take advantage of these diverse perspectives, we can make our organizations more healthy, supportive, growth oriented, vibrant and well-rounded. What can we do to make sure these differences are a positive force rather than a deterrent in our organizations? Set clear expectations: Make sure everyone understands that generational diversity is a plus and that there is not only one way to do things. The culture should allow people to voice opinions, make decisions, and take action with the best of intentions. Disagreements should be approached honestly and openly. Communicate: Explain the differences between generations and encourage individuals to work at communicating until they feel they have been heard and are sure they thoroughly understand the views of their teammates. Exhibit competence: Competence in knowledge, strategic thinking, creativity, and specific job skills is not specific to a generation. Encourage your team to recognize hard work and sincerity of action in others, regardless of the generation. Live out honesty, integrity, authenticity and character: Though these are the buzz words of our
day people know whether we have it or not. We may not agree with how things are done, but integrity speaks volumes and builds trust. Show mutual care, concern, support, and dependability/accountability: When we know we
can count on each other, we build mutual trust and respect. This creates relational currency for the times when generational diversity may cause bumps in our working relationships. All of these activities build trust within an organization. When people trust one another, authentic and productive discussions can occur despite diverse perspectives. Your organization can thrive despite the generational differences. ■
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ost workplaces are filled with diversity, whether ethnic, gender related, socio-economic, political, etc. The generational diversity that often trips up organizations is one that I have become increasingly interested in. I have found the following research to be very helpful in understanding this diversity. The following are generalizations, of course. Each person should be looked at as unique, not a generational clone. The tendencies of these generations as listed below help increase our understanding of our own generation, as well as those with whom we work. • “Traditional” generation (ages 64-87): This generation values hard work, tradition, clear frameworks and diligence. They are motivated by the words “Good job;” however, their internal motivation is what keeps them going. They have respect for authority and hierarchical structures. They also have a long-term approach to work — many have stayed at jobs for their entire career. • “Baby Boomers” (ages 45-63): This generation values work, the act of “getting ahead” and competition. They value long hours to reach success and remain motivated by status and representative things that show status, e.g. titles, promotions, special perks, salary and bonuses. • “Gen Xers” (ages 29-44): This generation values freedom, flexibility, fun, and a balanced life. They are motivated by regular and immediate recognition and feedback. • “Gen Yers/Millennials” (under age 28): This generation values meaningful work, challenges in the workplace and making a difference. They are motivated by social justice, global causes and ethical role models they can trust.
A feature inviting you to think through your theology. By Carolyn Custis James
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think
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Your Place in the Story
I
LEIGH WELLS
N MICHAEL ENDE’S THE NEVER ENDING STORY, the
young schoolboy Bastian escapes bullying schoolmates by dodging into a bookstore where he comes upon a mysterious book so intriguing he plays hooky to read it. The story contains all the elements of a captivating adventure: a lost world, fierce conflict between the forces of good and evil, and valiant heroes and heroines caught up in a daring rescue to save the lost world and restore Fantastica to its original beauty. The jaw-dropping moment comes when Bastian God calls all humanity to discovers to his complete amazement that he is a enter the story as character in the story he is reading — a hero on his representatives — whom much depends. Sometimes when I read my Bible, a Bastian-like speaking and acting on his feeling comes over me too. This best of all stories behalf and advancing his contains all the elements of a captivating adventure: a lost world, fierce conflict between the forces kingdom on earth. of good and evil, and valiant heroes and heroines caught up in a daring rescue to save the lost world and restore planet earth to its original beauty. And just like Bastian, I realize to my complete amazement that I am a character in the story I am reading — a hero on whom much depends. The jaw-dropping moment for me comes early, when God speaks these words, “Let us make human beings in our image, in our likeness” and commissions his image bearers — male and female —to rule the whole earth on his behalf. This is the point at which we all enter God’s story — not as bit players, but in leading roles. God calls all humanity to enter the story as his representatives — speaking and acting on his behalf and advancing his kingdom on earth. I’ll spend the rest of my life unpacking all that God is giving us here. Yet, if even a little of this sinks in, nothing will be the same when my feet hit the floor in the morning. Knowing I have a strategic role in God’s story changes everything. Here are just a few ways being God’s image bearer is changing things for me.
I was created to know God. This relationship is the image bearer’s lifeline. We can’t know who we are or how to live in this world if we don’t know the God we were created to become like. Actress Helen Mirren illustrates. When given the role of Queen Elizabeth II, she didn’t coast on her British heritage or superb acting skills. Instead, she made the queen her study, scrutinized everything about her, and then relentlessly practiced imitating what she saw. Hard work earned her the Best Actress Oscar. We’re aiming for the Oscar when we embrace our image bearer calling. My life has kingdom significance. My story is a subplot in the bigger story God is weaving. What I do with my life — from cradle to grave and no matter how mundane and ordinary — carries kingdom significance, a point made repeatedly in the Bible where so-called “little” people operating behind the scenes regularly advance God’s kingdom. On separate occasions, Palestinian Tamar and Jordanian Ruth rescue the promised royal line that leads to Jesus from the threat of extinction. Mary of Bethany steels Jesus for the fiercest battle of all when she affirms his mission by anointing him for his burial. God calls every image bearer to take their part in advancing his kingdom wherever he stations them. I am a leader. God’s image bearers are responsible for what is going on in the world. Poverty, injustice, and suffering are our business. We are God’s preferred method of working in this world. And so I expect him to put opportunities in my path, and he expects me to step up and act on his behalf. When Bastian embraced his place in The Never Ending Story, his days of running from bullies ended. And when we embrace our place in God’s never-ending story, we’ll stop telling ourselves our lives don’t matter, that we’ve lost or missed or spoiled our purpose. For God’s image bearers, kingdom matters are at stake in the ordinary and extraordinary moments of our lives, the highs and the lows. You’re in the story — a true hero on whom much depends! ■ Carolyn Custis James is involved in equipping women through the Whitby Forum and Synergy. She is the author of several books, including The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules (Zondervan, 2008).
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Daniel told him that giving shade was part of his purpose.
“What’s a purpose?” Freddie had asked.
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TREE BY OOYOO / ISTOCK + LEAF BY EKATERINA FRIBUS / ISTOCK + LEAF BY JOE BIAFORE / ISTOCK
resting space
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“A reason for being,” Daniel had answered. “To make things more pleasant for others is a reason for being. To make shade for old people who come to escape the heat of their homes is a reason for being. To provide a cool place for children to come and play. To fan with our leaves the picnickers who come to eat on checkered tablecloths. These are all reasons for being.” —THE FALL OF FREDDIE THE LEAF by Leo Buscaglia
Savor the Season. Country Apple Crunch INGREDIENTS
4-5 medium apples ⁄ cup quick oatmeal
3 4
⁄ cup brown sugar
3 4
⁄ cup flour
1 2
1 teaspoon cinnamon ⁄ cup butter
1 2
DIRECTIONS
Pare apples and slice thin. Arrange in greased pie pan. Combine oatmeal, sugar, flour, and cinnamon; cut in butter. Blend with your hands and pack over apples. Bake at 350º for 35-40 minutes. Serve warm with fresh whipped cream sprinkled with nutmeg.
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life issues
Healing Journey } The Through Job Loss
Stay close to, and share with, the most important people in your life. Let them minister to you. Seek out professional help if necessary.
process. It gives you a sense of accomplishment and control at a time when you feel you have little control.
Prepare for the long haul.
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NEMPLOYMENT, PARTICULARLY UNEXPECTED UNEMPLOYMENT,
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Practical Steps to Move You Forward Take care of yourself. Because of the rigorous demands of going through a job search, this is a time to focus on taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Physical exercise is proven to be one of the most important undertakings in times of stress. Run, jog, walk, swim, or participate in whatever gives your body a regular workout…. Make sure you stick to a healthy diet. Use this time to begin to define a new you. Connect with people. Talk with one or two individuals you really trust. Is your pastor available? Do you have friends you can meet with on a regular basis?
Arranging interviews.
Ultimately, moving forward means that you have to start setting up interviews. You’ve been sitting at a desk or at your kitchen table doing the paperwork. Now you have to go out and uncover rocks and turn over stones. Now’s the time to call people, make appointments, and meet with them. Looking for a job is a full-time job. You won’t find jobs, particularly in today’s economy, by sitting home thinking your computer will notify you of something.
What Can We Count On? When we are going through seasons of trial and hurt, it’s easy to question whether God loves us at all. Separation from a job is a crushing, heartbreaking event. It is not, however, what matters most. Nothing in all the universe can separate us from the love of God — and that does matter the most.
Be ready to present yourself.
When you embark on a job search, you have to think like a marketer who is marketing a product. In this case, you are the product. You have to know the product inside and out, put together a marketing plan, and then bring that product (yourself ) to market and close the deal. Build a resume. Another key step in moving forward is crafting a personal resume. If you have done a good job of self-assessment in your looking-inward phase, then you are prepared to identify what you are all about. A resume should be an accurate and stunning “snapshot” of where you are at this moment of your life. Building a resume is also an important tangible part of the
Excerpt from Now What? A Healing Journey Through Job Loss, © Copyright 2009 by RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, MI. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Further distribution not allowed without permission from RBC Ministries. Discovery Series booklets may be ordered without cost or obligation at 616-974-2210 or discoveryseries.org.
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DIGITAL VISION / GETTYIMAGES
can be a stressful and difficult experience. And because so many aspects of our lives are tied to our work, when we experience job loss, we are not only financially impacted, we are also affected socially, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. The journey toward growth begins with the way you respond to the news that you’ve lost your job. Remember that your relationship with the Creator is your most significant resource. Nothing can supply hope and confidence during a time of serious distress more than knowing that your life, and the lives of your family, are in the hands of the God who never sleeps or slumbers. As you walk through this
experience, knowing that you are walking with him is more than just a nice feeling. Your relationship with the God who cares is the most significant thing about you.
Remember, a job search is a process. Some people think that getting another job will be easy. But because they are unprepared for the long haul, they are likely to end up spinning their wheels. Why? Because they didn’t take the time to think about the process. With any process, there is a series of steps. If you try to jump in the middle of the process and then go forward, you will soon find yourself spinning your wheels with nothing happening. Eventually, you’ll have to go back to the beginning and start over. This accentuates the need for preparation. You must plan your work and work your plan.
CLASSIC THOUGHT: By Oswald Chambers
The Hidden Life “ … your life is hidden with Christ in God.” ( Colossians 3:3)
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CHEPKO DANIL/ISTOCK
he spirit of God testifies to and confirms the simple, but almighty, security of the life that “is
hidden with Christ in God.” Paul continually brought this out in his New Testament letters. We talk as if living a sanctified life were the most uncertain and insecure thing we could do. Yet it is the most secure thing possible, because it has Almighty God in and behind it. The most dangerous and unsure thing is to try to live without God. For one who is born again, it is easier to live in a right-standing relationship with God than it is to go wrong, provided we heed God’s warnings and “walk in the light” (I John 1:7). When we think of being delivered from sin, being “filled with the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18), and “walk[ing] in the light,” we picture the peak of a great mountain. We see it as very high and wonderful but we say, “Oh, I could never live up there!” However, when we do get there through God’s grace, we find it is not a mountain peak at all, but a plateau with plenty of room to live and to grow. “You enlarged my path under me, so my feet did not slip” (Psalm 18:36). When you really see Jesus, I defy you to doubt him. If you see him when he says, “Let not your heart be troubled…” (John 14:27), I defy you to worry. It is virtually impossible to doubt when he is there. Every time you are in personal contact with Jesus, his words are real to you. “My peace I give to you…” (John 14:27) — a peace which brings an unconstrained confidence and covers you completely, from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. “…your life is hidden with Christ in God,” and the peace of Jesus Christ that cannot be disturbed has been imparted to you.
■ Note: The works of Oswald Chambers were compiled by his wife, Biddy, after his death in 1917. Taken from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, edited by James Reimann, © 1992 by Oswald Chambers Publications Assn., Ltd. Used by permission Discovery House Publishers, Grand Rapids MI. All rights reserved. Order My Utmost for His Highest at 800-653-8333 or dhp.org.
CONTEMPORARY REFLECTION: By Anita Lustrea
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Brokenness: The Path to Healing or Despair
W
hat hurts the most: a broken heart, a broken road, or broken dreams?
My husband posted that question on his Facebook page not long ago. He swears he isn’t trying to write a country western song, but he is interested in what hurts people. So am I. Sometimes it’s hard to choose between the three. I mean who hasn’t had their heart broken? Who hasn’t taken an unintended path? And is there anyone who hasn’t had hope shattered? It all hurts. And it hurts badly! Because I host a radio talk show for women I hear stories filled with hurt almost on a daily basis. Hurt is part of my personal history. I’ve lived the broken road of divorce. No one stands at the altar pledging love and in the back of their mind hopes it will all fall apart some day. When it does fall apart your life begins to unravel. Your heart is broken, defenses go up, and blame is assigned. Old road maps are discarded and hope becomes nothing more than a word on a page. And then, one day, you look in the mirror and can’t recognize the person looking back. The ‘you’ that once was, isn’t there anymore. The broken heart, road, and dream collided and all that is left is this thing called “brokenness.” Believe it or not this can be a good thing. From God’s perspective, brokenness is either a portal to healing or to despair. It’s a portal to despair when someone keeps covering up the hurt and pain, or when they can’t let go of the hurt and start pointing a finger with great anger towards someone or something else. That’s when seeds of bitterness grow.
Some, though, become honest about their brokenness and hope emerges. They look for lifelines. They start to let go, even forgive. They take a good hard look at themselves. When broken people get honest, they’re not trying to fool anyone anymore. God can work with that kind of life. It’s funny about our world. Sometimes we want to discard broken people. We think they’re too much work. They take too much time. Sometimes we shun them, praying for them in that gossipy kind of way. We hope what they have doesn’t rub off on us like some contagious disease. But God seems to have deep affection for those who have fallen apart. It’s like he enjoys helping them pick up the pieces of their life. He knows, doesn’t he, that we’re all a mess? Some of us are just better at covering up than others. When we try to cover our mess from God’s eyes, we’re just fooling ourselves. The Lord knows you. He knows about your broken heart even if you don’t want to admit it. He knows the truth about your broken road and the choices you made to travel it. And despite your stiff upper lip, he knows about the hopes and dreams you once had that are hidden away deep in your heart. Allow yourself to come to the end of your rope. I think that’s sometimes the hardest thing for a woman to do. I know. I’ve been there. But here’s the truth: that’s where God will meet you. Anita Lustrea is Executive Producer and Host of the Moody Radio talk show Midday Connection. She is a frequent conference and retreat speaker who loves to help women connect more deeply to God, themselves and others. Anita lives in Suburban Chicago with her husband and son.
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When asked to
rate their diet, respondents to a Gallup poll in July 2008 said:
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Growth comes in equal doses of fear and excitement. — AL DONNA A M B L E R , THE GROWTH STRATEGIST
Very healthy 24% Somewhat healthy 61% Not too healthy 12% Not at all healthy 2%
Low-Cost Kitchen Upgrades Small changes can alter your kitchen dramatically without much cost:
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Community Builder
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Be a Secret Admirer Know someone who would benefit from a little pick-me-up? Adopt this individual for a week of notes and small gifts sent anonymously. You can reveal your identity at the end of the week if you choose, or leave them guessing!
• Add new hardware to your kitchen cabinets. Things like new handles can transform your old cabinets.
Conquer Paper Clutter Trash: Sort your mail over the trash can as soon as it arrives. Declutter daily: Every day get rid of 5
cluttering papers. Act now: Find a place for everything worth keeping and put the papers there NOW. Evaluate: If you have more than 6 months’ worth of an un-read magazine, cancel your subscription. Digitize: Log all phone messages in
Outlook or on your PDA. This eliminates dozens of tiny papers strewn across your desk with phone numbers on them. Touch once: Handle each piece of paper
only once. When you touch one decide to: file it, act on it, deliver it where it belongs, toss or recycle it.
• Replace rusty faucets with new ones. This can add a lot of new shine to your kitchen. • Add refinished kitchen cabinet doors to your cabinet section. This can give the impression that you installed all new ones. • Add new lighting and use it to highlight new items in your kitchen. Adding some basic trendy aspects will also do wonders. Added texture and color can go a long way. Adding some extra storage can also improve your kitchen’s look in addition to providing more storage space for your appliances and cookware. —Jake Gorney, ezinearticles.com
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In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing. —THEODORE ROOSEVELT
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PLACESETTING BY SILVRSHOOTR/ISTOCK + GIFT BY ROCKSUNDERWATER/ISTOCK + TAP BY DEVAEV DMITRY/ISTOCK + WOMAN PAPERS BY LUIS PEDROSA/ISTOCK
quick Fill
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FOUR-LETTER WORDS are words constructed of four letters. They are perfectly good, usually innocent words. Some four-letter words come with baggage that weighs down their meaning. Often there is negativity, discomfort or stigma assigned to such otherwise interesting and usable words. As we reconsider these words and address them openly, perhaps we can reclaim these words for their contribution to our lives.
four
letter word
Pink e’re okay with red. Most of us. It speaks of
MICHAEL DENORA / GETTYIMAGES
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passion. Red rose. Red lips. Red heels. Red dress. Red sportscar. Red sunset. Red is the color of Christmas, Valentine’s Day and summer strawberries. Yes, red is also the color of deficit — financial deficit. But red is the color of redemption — Jesus’ blood. Who doesn’t like red? White works for us too with its sometimes gentle, sometimes glaring statement of purity. White snowflakes. White swans. White sheets. White for the good guy. White for the virgin. Except when we’re not good, not a guy, not a virgin and not — well, white. But technically, white isn’t really a color — but rather the integration of all colors. There. That’s better. Who doesn’t like white? Red and white. Good colors with good meanings.
Then there’s pink. Pink — we seem to either love it or hate it. Some of us prefer pink to any other color. We dress our rooms and cars in pink and carry pink (trimmed in leopard) accessories. Others of us completely steer clear of the hue whether in personal appearance, cat collars and even when selecting a shade of stickies or markers for the office. Pink is not the color of leadership; it isn’t listed anywhere in the power color tips for women. In between these extremes are those of us who “edit” pink into a more customized, palatable concoction. Blush pink. Pale pink. Even shocking pink (that’s the big statement!). And of course, who could have a problem with breast cancer ribbon pink? What is behind this multi-faceted reaction to pink? Why would such an innocent color elicit such responses — positive, negative and edited? Is pink a color or an attitude?
The problem with pink is the connotations it carries. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the color, but pink can say something that we may or may not be comfortable with. Perhaps pink says feminine and we like that. Or pink says feminine and we don’t like that. Or pink says feminine and we’re not ready to embrace that without personalization. Or we fight against pink because it was assigned to us, in baby booties and sleepers before we even came out of the womb. We didn’t choose pink; we have been defined and confined by pink. Do we miss the point of pink? After all, pink is what we get when we blend red and white, passion and purity. Nothing girly weird about red or white. So why assign a negative designation to their combination? Pink: a blended color from red and white that takes on the qualities and characteristics of each color. Red and white, strong and gentle, vivacious and modest, courageous and careful, confident and humble, fun and restful, spontaneous and intentional. Can we acknowledge and appreciate the layers of who we are as women? Can pink, the blend of red and the white, be redeemed? Pink doesn’t make us anything we’re not already. Passion and purity — pasrity? Purion? Pink. Not a bad combination. Try it on. See what you think of pink. ■
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Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, author, speaker and leadership coach and consultant. He is the author or co-author of 21 books, including the 2-million bestseller Boundaries. He is co-host of the nationally-syndicated radio program New Life Live and conducts his own leadership coaching program in Newport Beach, CA. He managed to survive a childhood home with three sisters and no brothers. He and his wife Barbi and their two sons live in southern California.
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By Dr. John Townsend
Take Advantage of Your Advantages
MALE BOX is a regular feature in FullFill where we invite the opinion, perspective and insight of male leaders as they comment on women and their participation in the kingdom.
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here is a great deal of information and research being conducted today for leaders: how they can develop, what their capacities should be, and how to execute their abilities. The research is all about capitalizing on strengths. In the same way, women have certain natural and God-given advantages that, if they pay attention to them, can create leadership strengths that will serve them well. This applies to both the business world and the ministry experience. In my leadership coaching program, half of the team members are men and half are women. I have been struck by those abilities which women pick up and develop that men tend to have to work harder at. I urge you to “take advantage of your advantages.” In a strengths-building way, you serve yourself and your vision best by developing and growing in things you are very good at. My book, Leadership Beyond Reason, presents the characteristics effective leaders in today’s environment need in order to succeed. Two have to do with more “right brain” abilities and that side of life is something a woman has the edge on. But every leader, male or female, also needs the
more “left brain” abilities, such as analytical thinking and judgment. These are also critical to leadership. But since “right brain” tasks come more easily to women, pay attention to how you can grow and excel in these areas: EMOTIONAL ATTUNEMENT. Being in touch with your feelings helps you lead and motivate others. Emotions function as a signal for us. They give information needed to make good decisions. Women, being more emotionally aware, need to utilize this strength. When you are anxious, your anxiety tells you there is a danger to avoid. Perhaps you need to prepare diligently for a future financial or directhire problem coming up. Anxiety says, “Avoid the train wreck and be prepared.” When you are angry and frustrated these feelings also tell you there is a problem to address. For example, if you have a person working for you who always pushes your buttons, that feeling, though not a pleasant one, is helpful for you. It tells you that something about that person may be a problem, perhaps an attitude of entitlement, or too many excuses for nonperformance. Or, your anger may tell you that you tend to let yourself be controlled by controlling people, and that is something no leader wants to experience. Don’t try to make the anger go away. Pay attention to it and deal with the person, and the situation, effectively. Remember how Jesus was so moved by his anger that he cleared out the temple from corruption (John 2:14-16). The woman in leadership who is emotionally attuned will be ahead of the pack. INTUITION. This is that mysterious ability to listen to your “gut” and make good decisions. Intuition is an almost instantaneous process in which you know what you know, but aren’t sure how you know it! Many leaders remember a time in which they interviewed a candidate for some position, and all of the metrics were great: background, competencies, referrals. But something inside said, “All is not well.” Despite the concern, they hired anyway. Unfortunately, they found out a few weeks or months later that their insides were right. Look at the data and the spread sheet, but at the same time, listen to your inside feeling. The famed “women’s intuition” is a skill every leader needs to pay attention to, listen to, and understand. It will work well for you. God designed you, as a woman, to grow yourself up, to help us men grow up, and to grow your organization up. “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ (Eph. 4:15).” Use your advantages to further that growth. ■
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ackie Onasis once said, “Every time you tell your story you give away a little piece of yourself.” Telling our stories to others is expensive. It costs us — sometimes more than we care to spend.
Maybe that’s why we can tend to s-t-r-e-t-c-h the truth now and then when we trot out our life experiences before an audience even of one or two. We aim to reduce the expense of our story telling by “telling stories.” A sixth-grade retelling of my hallway interaction with “the really cute guy” morphs into him looking deeply into my eyes and asking to walk me home. Reality? We brushed sleeves as he raised his arm to signal another girl. Over dinner, my don’t want to tell the husband asks about my day and — intent on winning the “I’ve had it real story because I worse than you game,” I launch into a fear losing power — tirade about handling a million phone calls and seventy-six projects and how and position. exhausted I am. Sitting before an interviewer who queries me about my weaknesses, I sort through the reams of examples and settle on one that is least revealing. “I’m a perfectionist. I tend to work too hard.” Rearrangement of facts. Exaggerations. Partial truths. White lies. Putting ourselves in a good light. Blatant untruths. There’s a buffet of techniques at our fingertips to position ourselves as the heroines in our own stories when in so many cases, we are the tragic victims and occasionally the plundering villains. Okay. Most of us rarely resort to outright lying. We know better. But every now and then — oooohhh the temptation to twist my facts. To s-t-r-e-t-c-h them. Just a bit. What’s with this? Sometimes I stretch it “up.” I don’t want to tell the real story because I fear losing power — and position. Once “out there” my story is open for others to interpret, to evaluate, to legitimize or to judge. What will others think of me if they know I struggle with trying to find God’s call on my “next” in this mushy post-transition time from a twenty-year effort at my past position? Let me dress this up a bit. Package it with a principle: “God works while we wait.” Maybe I could “grow into” this version of my story?
In other moments, I stretch it “down.” I’m not ready to face whatever lessons the story might teach. So I tell a simpler tale. One that won’t raise eyebrows or elicit follow-up questions. Like many adult children, mine could use some financial help. I’m “gooey in the middle” on what’s “right” here. When asked about how we respond to their need, I avoid the topic with a comment about their jobs. I’m not exactly lying. I’m just not telling anything that matters much. Then there are the occasions where I stretch it “out.” My own story is pretty much just embarrassing. I don’t want it to be my story much less allow anyone else to know it’s my story. So I tell a story that sounds like it’s someone else’s story when it’s really mine. “Yeah, a friend of mine comes from a family of addicts and wonders if her over-working could be an addiction in disguise.” The reason I know the story so well is because I lived it. I just don’t really want anyone to know it. I think back to Jackie O’s comment. Yes, telling our stories costs us. “Weren’t you with Jesus of Galilee?” the servant girl asked Peter in the courtyard. “No. I don’t even know him,” he replied. In the moment, Peter didn’t want his story to be his story. He could have been led off to a cross there and then, just like Jesus. Later, after Jesus’ death and resurrection, we find Peter not only owning his intimacy with Christ, but embracing the costly expression of his story as he tells his story before the Sanhedrin — in an equally expensive moment. Every time we tell our story, we might be giving away a little piece of ourselves. But that becomes a sacred offering when we believe that God inhabits our lives in order to write in us an illustration of his love to us. Then the telling of our story — sans s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g — will give a little piece of him away as well.
Elisa Morgan, P U B L I S H E R
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