live out
YOUR influence
Spring+Summer 2012
Friend O Mine ’
{
letter from the editor
} {Publisher} elisa Morgan, M.Div. {Managing eDitor} Mary byers, b.a., Cae {art DireCtor + graPhiC Designer}
Cindy Young, b.a. {aDvisors}
tracey bianchi, M.Div. sPeaker anD author
Jonalyn Fincher, M.a. author, sPeaker, aPologist
beth Flambures, C.P.a. CFo, roCkY Mountain Pbs
Carla Foote, M.a.
I have a friend from each decade of my life.
There’s Kathryn from grade school. Barb from high school. Pam from college. Tracey from my 20s. Jill from my 30s—and the early mothering years. And then there’s Donna, Amy and Julie—the trifecta I was blessed with in my 40s. Each of these women, in their own beautiful way, has helped shepherd me gently through life. Who knows what’s to come in my later years? I have a grandmother who is 100 so there’s the possibility of many, many more friends in the future! What will they look like? How will we help each other grow? And how can I be sure that I’m not too busy to miss a possible friendship when it presents itself? All are interesting questions—and all remind me of the old adage, “To have a friend, be a friend.” Friends are simultaneously wonderful and wacky. Frustrating and confusing. Surprising and touching. Sometimes hurtful and disappointing. Yet despite the pain they may bring, they are gifts from above—no matter what size and shape they come in. We’ll be better as women, and leaders—as we both receive these friendships—and give back to them. Tracey Bianchi writes about the intimacy that comes with friendship in “Friend o’ Mine.”
Joanna Foote addresses the unlikely friends and Margot Starbuck tackles the issue of jealousy in friendship. We hope all will encourage you to stop and think about your friendships—and how you might be able to deepen them in the coming months while also opening yourself to forming new ones. It’s not just earthly friendships we’re talking about, however. Carolyn Custis James encourages us to know God deeply, before we need his comfort. And Carla Foote explores the concept of “soul space,” which allows us to friend ourselves in any season of life. On another topic, did you know a bra can make a difference to a woman overseas? Kimba Langas, co-founder of “Free The Girls,” an organization dedicated to providing job opportunities for survivors of sex trafficking, shares how these undergarments are making it possible for former sex slaves to create a new life for themselves. I’ve already been through my lingerie drawer and am happily donating “a buck and a bra” to the cause. Will you join me?
Mary Byers MAnAGInG EDITOr, FullFill writer@FullFill.org
senior DireCtor CoMMunitY & resourCes, MoPs international
Phyllis h. hendry PresiDent, leaD like Jesus
bev hislop, D.Min. assistant ProFessor, western seMinarY
Carolyn Custis James, M.a. PresiDent, whitbYForuM FounDer & PresiDent, sYnergY For woMen
laurie Mcintyre, M.a.C.e. Pastor oF woMen2DaY, elMbrook ChurCh
Patricia raybon, M.a. retireD, universitY oF ColoraDo sChool oF JournalisM
Constance rhodes author, sPeaker, FounDer anD PresiDent oF FinDingbalanCe
halee gray scott, M.a. Ph.D. FaCultY, a.w. tozer theologiCal seMinarY & wesleY seMinarY at inDiana wesleY seMinarY
liz selzer, M.a. M.Div., Ph.D. PresiDent, Ceo, Mentor leaDershiP teaM
FullFill™ P.o. box 461546, aurora, Co 80046 Join FullFill™ at FullFill.org. Contact us at info@FullFill.org For advertising contact alliances@FullFill.org Faith position statement and writer’s guidelines available at FullFill.org. FullFill™ is a ministry of Mission: Momentum. the purpose of FullFill™ magazine is to equip women to recognize, utilize and maximize their influence in all the spheres of their lives. all opinions expressed are those of the writers and are not necessarily those of FullFill™ magazine or Mission: Momentum. the magazine promotes thoughtful dialogue and appropriate action as women use their gifts and abilities for kingdom purposes.
Copyright 2011 Mission: Momentum.
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Front Cover © tolga tezCan/istoCkPhoto + JuPiteriMages spring/summer 2012
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Friend O’ Mine by tracey bianchi
... God designed us all for connection with others and deemed it essential to the well-being of our souls. So how do we finesse the fine nuances of friendship and which qualities make us graceful friends for others?
{ voices } Making Friends & Being a Friend page 8
contents
Spring + Summer
2012
{ columns }
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22 Think: think again! by Carolyn Custis James
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Friend o’ Mine by Frederick e. weatherly
26 Worldly Women: You have Power of relationship by shayne Moore
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30 Male Box: what women want by Jim henderson
by elisa Morgan
20 Resting Place 24 Overflow Yield by kay wyma
the Call of the natural life by oswald Chambers
28 Quick Fill
Spiritual Formation soul space by Carla Foote
31 My Fill: Friendable
{ regulars }
Something Special
The push to fill space is a constant battle, whether it’s big spaces on the calendar or the small times waiting in line or between appointments.
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Woman of Influence an accidental abolitionist an interview with kimba langas by Mary byers
29 Four-Letter Word: Duck SPRING/SummeR 2012
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sherwin MCgehee/istoCkPhoto + Digital skillet/istoCkPhoto + Caitlin winner/istoCkPhoto + JuPiteriMages
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By Tracey Bianchi
One Sunday, after preaching three sermons, I dragged my utterly depleted body from the pulpit toward my office. It was early afternoon, our senior pastor was out of town, and I’d been doing my best for Jesus since 8:00 a.m.. My mind felt like the lukewarm, melted iced-coffee sitting on my desk. “He does this every week?!” I muttered as I grabbed a crumpled up note freshly shoved into my staff mailbox. I flopped into my chair unfolding the note. The self-affirmation junkie that I am secretly hoped it was a member singing my praises. Best sermon ever? Hailing me as the next Beth Moore? not so much. The shaky cursive read, “Your bad haircut and dark roots are distracting from your presentation. You might want to get your hair done.” Laughter or tears; which would it be? After trying to honor God all morning shabby grooming was the only apparent take away. “I have three kids, two jobs and one husband. Who has time to get her highlights done?”
Friend o’ Mine Immediately I slid open my phone and dialed my friend, Sadie. “Please tell me I’m cute and my hair is okay.” I pleaded. Snickering, she reassured me that Jesus did not care much about hair and as I hastily prepared to hang up she paused to be certain I was listening, “You do know you really are great, right? And I love you.” A good friend is salve for the soul.
You’ve Got A Friend In Me
Gratitude enfolds me after a call like this. In a world where loneliness is cited as an ever present reality, Sadie is a treasure. Psychologists, social workers, researchers, pastors and even radio hosts will tell you that loneliness is a pandemic in our
culture as people feel increasingly isolated despite every bit of technological prowess. Forging meaningful relationships does not come easy. Friendships among women are often tangled at best. Most of us smacked into this reality during middle school and the sting of gossip and judgment stalked us well into adulthood. To strike up a new friendship creates anxiety in a distracted, individualistic world. “So . . . will you be my new BFF?” makes for a desperate sounding lead line at a social gathering. Yet God designed us all for connection with others and deemed it essential to the well-being of our souls. So how do we finesse the fine nuances of friendship and
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which qualities make us graceful friends for others? Consider the following: Friends offer camaraderie. C.S. Lewis once said, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” Meaningful friendships may crop up through a shared journey, such as with a mentor who has gone before us or a Thelma and Louise sort of pal to ride shotgun. Consider how teenagers band together, how mothers of newborns unite, or a batch of new employees connect and gut out orientation together. The sweat and tears of a shared experience remind us we are not alone. Friends offer candor. After a speaking engagement, one friend said, “You talked way too fast and you should never wear those sandals in public again.” As a professional communicator her unimpressed honesty was key to my growth. Friends offer grace-filled correction and criticism while standing ready to also receive it. Friends cheer us on. A local mom signs off her emails with the valediction, “cheering for you.” Life often requires a full cheer squad to survive a seemingly ordinary day. Friends who consistently wear the “#1 Fan T-shirt” and who invest in our dreams help us see the beauty we self-critically miss. Women who grab your shoulders, force eye contact and say, “you’ve got this,” help us go boldly into the interviews, meetings or doctor appointments that loom large in our lives. Friends keep us calm. As influencers, the temptation to place our identity in success is tremendous. When personal or professional tensions mount, friends can call us to a place of balance by reminding us the sum total of life is found in places of peace. A calming friend will call us toward back-deck conversations, a nap, and a rested soul. They pull us beyond striving and into perspective with reminders that accomplishment does not define us. They call us home.
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Life Moves Pretty Fast
According to Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you could miss it.” The sheer velocity of our lives is perhaps the greatest barrier to developing connections. Friendships often feel forced when we search outside the natural rhythms of our lives. Perhaps we pressure ourselves into a small group or church connection that is not a natural fit. We join an athletic team for a sport we dislike or a play group with women three towns over and wonder why we cannot make it work. rather than try to wedge new circles of women into an already tight spot what if we looked around at those already in our space? Are there potential partners for the journey nearby? Women who slug it out in the same trenches? Consider for a moment the impact of two people living with candor and camaraderie, cheering on their shared colleagues or neighbors. Women who link arms with others, right where they are, can encourage and bring forth saner moments in their same weary culture. They hold the potential to transform the places they dwell together: whether the trenches of motherhood or the boardroom—or both. Consider the power of your influence lived out alongside others, transforming the places where you live each day. The power to transform our rapid-fire, lonely culture is in each of us as we connect with others. n Tracey Bianchi serves on pastoral staff at Christ Church of oak brook, a congregation of 2000+ located in the Chicago suburbs. she is a frequent speaker and writer for a variety of organizations across the country. she lives in the burbs with her husband and three small children. You can find out more about her books and projects by visiting. traceybianchi.com.
RichMedia Click on the button below to watch “Friends Make Leaders Better Leaders with Kay Wyma”
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Expanding Your Circle of Friends Here are some practical steps on how to initiate and develop friendships offered by radio host Anita Lustrea, author of What Women Tell Me: Finding Freedom From the Secrets We Keep: 1. Invite 1 or 2 women to coffee. If you get a “no,” ask someone else.
Develop as a woman and a leader Webinars filled with encouragement and practical wisdom. And only $10 each. Click on buttons below to learn more or to register for an upcoming webinar, including:
2. If you have younger children, invite someone to a play date in a park. 3. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Get to know someone’s story. You will be blessed and might be missing a gem of a friendship otherwise. 4. Start praying for God to provide a friend. I’ve talked to countless women who have seen God come through for them.
Dr. Sue Edwards: Men and Women in Ministry Together
Lesa Englethaler: Leading in Darkness
design56/istockphoto
5. Look for “safe people” and run yourself through that same grid. Are YOU a safe person? 6. Sometimes when we are very desperate for a friend, we “throw up” all over them the first time we get together. Friendships need to be mutual and if they are to be a two way street, we need to slowly allow someone to get to know us, and not tell all in one sitting. It can scare someone away.
Carol Kuykendall: How to Tell Your Story for Life & Leadership
… and more! SPRING/Summer 2012
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voices )
Finding, understanding and using your unique voice is a lifelong process.
Making Girl Friends I used to be one of those girls who thought boys made better friends. I bought into the old adage that boys were somehow “easier” to do life with. Then after spending freshman year sprawled on a dorm room floor surrounded by stacks of pillows and empty pizza boxes, peeling apart life and love and identity and God, I realized I hadn’t given girlfriends a fair shake. As the years went by and I experienced the realities that come with each new life phase— marriage is hard, children are exasperating, moving to a new city is lonely, and I myself am actually not perfect—I’ve praised
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By Suanne Camfield
God (enthusiastically!) for the women who have risked vulnerability to share life with me, and have graciously taught me to do the same. Now, when I hear women use words like “catty” and “high maintenance” to describe female relationships, I cringe. I equally adore the men in my life, but I’d be lost without ambling through the day-to-day (and trudging through the nitty gritty) with the unique offerings of other women: soul-cultivating, thoughtprovoking, mind-sharpening, pedicure-loving, beautiful, amazing women. The very best friends this girl could have. n
Suanne Camfield is a writer, speaker and publicist who lives in the Chicago suburbs with her family. She is also the blog manager for FullFill. You can also find Suanne on her blog, friend her on Facebook or follow her on twitter @suannecamfield.
Consider contributing to The Weekly ReFill. Click “Read More” button to review submission guidelines.
Read moRe
CaiTlin WinneR/iSToCkphoTo
read as these women share their voices and then consider your own.
The antidote to Jealousy
Carabiners bY lJuPCo/istoCkPhoto
barrier Photo bY ivan baJiC/istoCkPhoto
By Margot Starbuck “I just signed my fourth book contract!” When I read the words, posted to the supersecret Facebook page of my writers’ group, my body flushed warm with envy. I tried to soothe myself with the pitiful reassurance, “As women in Christian leadership, we’re all working toward the same kingdom goal, right?” It still stung. Some women, like me, might long to see the characters of our names spelled out on a glossy book cover. Others might covet a particular speaking opportunity outside of our own congregations. Someone else might experience disappointment when another woman is chosen to lead a Bible Study at church. Though we’re all serving Christ, we still experience stabs of envy in our relationships with other women. Ironically—since I’m now regularly subjected to great news like this—the very best medicine for my heart has been my relationships with these gifted women, despite the flashes of human jealousy. It’s been in the sometimes-counterintuitive moments of cheering on my friends, being for them, that I’m actually relieved of the choking stranglehold of that death-dealing green-eyed monster. The very thing that’s hard to do—setting aside my own feelings to celebrate joy with another—is the antidote to the poison produced by jealousy. n Margot Starbuck’s most recent book is Small Things With Great Love: Adventures in Loving Your Neighbor. a grad of Princeton seminary, Margot lives with her family in Durham, north Carolina. Connect with Margot on Facebook or at Margotstarbuck.com.
Creating Shared Space By Joanna Foote "Why does your country hate us?" Those are hardly words to begin a friendship. Yet for Mariana, who asked me the question when we first met, they expressed her vulnerability and honesty and the way she trusted me with her frustration. While I worked at a soup kitchen and women’s shelter for deported migrants on the US/Mexico border, each migrant came for just a few days before moving on. Many brought with them hostility because of suffering in their journey. They also came with loneliness and a desire to be heard. My job every day was to listen. To listen to some of the resentment, pain, and hope. Mariana was not the only one who looked at me and saw my nationality. Being a friend in this situation simply meant availability. neither I nor the migrants could erase the past, but we had to accept each other in the present. For a week, Mariana and I spent time in the women’s shelter. We played games, talked, and watched telenovelas. Through these moments, we created a shared space of acceptance. A space for honesty. A space where God opened my heart to her suffering but also inspired me through her resilience. A space where friendship could blossom, against the odds. n Joanna Foote is learning to see the face of Jesus in the stranger as she volunteers through service and research with immigrant communities in virginia and washington DC. she has worked with the kino border initiative in nogales, Mexico, and will work at a Mexican shelter for Central american migrants this summer. she will graduate next year from georgetown university with a degree in international culture and politics, focusing on migration.
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When you are happy, friend o’ mine, And all your skies are blue, Tell me your luck, your fortune fine, And let me laugh with you. Tell me the hopes that spur you on, The deeds you mean to do, The gold you’ve struck, the fame you’ve won, And let me joy—with you! When you are sad and heart a-cold, And all your skies are dark, Tell me the dreams that mock’d your hold, The shafts that miss’d the mark. Am I not yours for weal or woe? How else can friends prove true? Tell me what breaks and brings you low, And let me stand—with you! So, when the night falls tremulous, When the last lamp burns low, And one of us or both of us The long, lone road must go, Look with your dear old eyes in mine, Give me a handshake true; Whatever fate our souls await Let me be there—with you!
Friend o’ Mine By Frederick e. Weatherly (1848-1929)
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This — g n i h t G N I R E H T MO there has to be a better way. “Tracey Bianchi makes us instantly friends with her. Real. Winsome. Approachable. Tracey convinces us we can connect.” —ELISA MORGAN, president emerita, MOPS International; publisher, FullFill; author, She Did What She Could
PARENTING YOUNG CHILDREN is an all-consuming task
that can make you feel disconnected and, honestly, a bit fragmented. But having kids shouldn’t mean you rarely get to complete a conversation with a friend! In this witty, encouraging book, Tracey Bianchi shows us how to: ✤ cultivate deeper friendships that challenge us to grow ✤ create healthy, life-giving rhythms for our families ✤ connect and give back to the wider world beyond our doors If you’ve ever sat back, exasperated, and thought, There has got to be a better way to do this mothering thing, then let this conversation with Tracey on friendship, connection, and the rhythms of our lives begin to shape your heart.
n
AVAILABLE WHEREVER BOOKS ARE SOLD ALSO AVAILABLE IN e BOOK FORMAT
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spiritual formation
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Soul Space By Carla Foote
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Jonathan kitChen/Digital vision/gettY iMages + zeFFss1/istoCkPhoto
Monday through Thursday evenings were looming large and empty on my calendar.
not just for a week, but week after week after week. Life changes meant that my evenings were open. My husband started a new job and he was on the road each week, and my children are more than 1000 miles away, one east and one west. I determined that my main goal was to not stay at the office and work late every night, but actually use my time to invest in me—to fill some spaces in my soul and to be open to what God might want to do in and through me in this season. In looking back, it would have been best to wait on God for direction and slowly fill the spaces. But I was worried about long dark evenings, especially the stretch from november through February, when seasonal depression threatens me in the dark months. So I scheduled my evenings—a night or two for laps at the pool, Spanish class, a writing project, an evening praying with a younger woman at church, dinner with a friend. Suddenly there weren’t enough nights and I was frustrated that I wasn’t devoting time to my most important goals and I didn’t have the space I wanted for my soul. Then I cut back. Spanish class would have to wait until the writing project was done. Exercise had to stay, but I moved it later at night, so I could have some time between work and the pool. One night a week for a friend or mentoring time. A little space to breath. The push to fill space is a constant battle, whether it’s big spaces on the calendar or the small times waiting in line or between appointments. Even waiting for a doctor’s appointment, I have choices in how to fill my time. For a recent appointment I had come prepared for the wait. I could check work email on my Smartphone, or write on my iPad, or play a word game on either device. Then I discovered that there was public wireless in the office building, so I could do even more. Sitting and waiting had been transformed into a multi-tasking extravaganza. no time left unfilled.
What was missing from my experience in the waiting room, or my weekday evenings, was time just sitting—reflecting, thinking, wondering, praying, meditating, pondering. Letting my soul and mind be active in its own space, rather than requiring multiple stimulation for waiting. Giving myself time to wander and wonder, to observe and to be still, to be present in the waiting. I decided to try an experiment. In situations where I would normally whip out a device and peck away, if it’s less than a 10 minute wait, I’m going to try and just be present and still. Yesterday in the car wash line as I sat in my minivan, I decided to pray for a friend, a fellow minivan driver, who is mothering four children and also investing her influence in an important project—I prayed for protection, grace and space for her. When I seek to fill all my waiting with something else, I am assuming that there is no value in the present moment. But what would it look like if I lived my life as if the time waiting for the delayed flight had value in my life, if the time waiting for my friend to arrive for dinner was a preparation time for my soul, not just something to fill? What if I assumed that God was present and active with me in the waiting as much as in the anticipated event? I’m not getting rid of my devices and I still have several nights a week full on my calendar, but I suspect that the more I allow for unfilled time by giving my soul and my brain space to wonder and wander, the more I will be actually filled. I hope it makes me more aware of God in my everyday so I will recognize divine moments and opportunities, and have the time to seize them. n
RichMedia Click on the button below to watch “Soul Space with Carla Foote”
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Carla Foote enjoys wondering and wandering in her garden. she blogs at urbangardenver.wordpress.com. she is the sr. Director of Community & resources for MoPs international (MoPs.org) and enjoys equipping moms and leaders to use their influence. SPRING/SummeR 2012
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woman of influence
an
Accidental abolitionist An Interview wit h Kimba Langas, Co-founder & Executive Director of Free the Girls Interview by Mary Byers
Gently worn brassieres? Who knew they could form the basis of a business to help former sex slaves create a future for themselves. Kimba Langas shares how lingerie is leading to a new life for young women in Mozambique.
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Tell us about “Free the Girls.” What is it exactly—and my checkbook as my way of helping. That’s a safe way of how did you get involved? easing our consciences, right? Well God wasn’t satisfied with Free The Girls is a non-profit organization that provides job that this time. He wanted more from me, and He’s really opportunities for survivors of sex trafficking. Many of the been taking me out of my comfort zone in several areas. women we work with were sold into prostitution as children, at only 8-10 years old. Because their lives were stolen What has happened that’s an unexpected result of this work? from them, they missed out on going to school and getting Dave and I really had no idea how the concept would take an education. Selling clothes allows them to work as much off so quickly. We thought we’d have a little online T-shirt or as little as their school schedule permits, and provides store, collect a few hundred bras here and there, and send lucrative income—as much as 3 times minimum wage for them in suitcases occasionally with people visiting Dave the girls in our pilot program. and his family. We were excited to help a few women build We collect gently used bras and donate them to the a new life. Within less than a year, however, we had colwomen as starting inventory for their own business selllected over 20,000 bras! We had somehow struck a chord ing the bras. In Mozambique (where we launched our pilot with women—maybe because donating a bra is something program), and in many parts of sub-Saharan Africa, bras very easy and tangible that you can do to help the surviare considered a luxury item and command top dollar in vors. We saw that we now had an opportunity to help even the used clothing market. more rescued women, and began putting plans in place to I call myself an “accidental abolitionist.” I was approached convert solely to a non-profit and start seeking support to in Spring of 2010 by my former pastor, Dave Terpstra, with expand the program. an idea he had for a social enterprise that would help raise awareness about sex trafficking (by selling TKimba surrounded shirts) and provide job opportunities for the survivors. by thousands of Until then, the issue of human trafficking/modern day bras collected by slavery wasn’t even a blip on my radar. The next Level Church in denver. Dave asked me for some creative input on website aug 2011 content and branding, but the more I learned about the issue the more it grabbed hold of my heart and wouldn’t let go. I wanted to do more. I had to do more. I could feel God pulling me in that direction and honestly, I never gave it a second thought. It just felt like the right thing to do from the start. Since Dave and his family were moving to Mozambique, we agreed that I would run things stateside, while he focused on getting the program up and running overseas. How have you grown or been stretched personally because of this work? Before Free The Girls, I was “comfortable.” I had been in my career for two decades, and was confident in my abilities and experience. Adapting those abilities into a completely different job has been both exciting and humbling. God has definitely been working on my ego and my ability to trust Him. On another level, before Free The Girls, I was really good at hearing about an issue or cause and opening
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And that’s when I got an email from Cnn International. They wanted to feature Free The Girls on their successful Cnn Freedom Project, which focuses on stories of sex trafficking and what part people and organizations across the globe are playing in preventing it, fighting it, and helping its victims. Their 3-part series on Free The Girls aired in late February 2012, and what a whirlwind it’s been! [Editor’s Note: see link to video on RichMedia sidebar on the next page.] We’ve had over 12,000 new visitors to our website from over 130 different countries; over 2,500 new Facebook fans; hundreds of emails and inquiries; dozens of T-shirt sales and online donations. We’re so amazed and humbled by the outpouring of support! People literally from all over the world have come forward to offer ideas, assistance, encouragement—we even have a new shipping partner that has donated sending an ocean container of bras overseas for us! What strengths do you bring to this work? Has it exposed any “growth edges” (also known as weaknesses) in you? I think my adaptability and flexibility have served me well in an adventure that admittedly has been a moving target at times! My experience as a producer carries over into the areas of planning, managing people, organizing events, marketing, communication, and budgeting. It also helps that I’m naturally optimistic, curious and love problem-solving. My “growth edges?” As a wife and mother, it’s a continual struggle to figure out how to prioritize everything. I can only devote a certain amount of hours each week to Free The Girls, and I do worry sometimes that I’m not focusing on the right things, or that I may be trying to reinvent the wheel in areas where I lack experience. Plus, I’ve always had a hard time asking for and receiving help—but I’m getting better at finding and using volunteers, which is an absolute must for a start-up non-profit! Your work is in large part remote from the actual onthe-ground effort. What challenges do you face? How have you addressed them? One of the biggest challenges for me is how to tell the story of the women we serve when I’ve never even been to Africa. Getting to see pictures of the women in our program and watch their video testimonials really helped
personalize the work for me, but I know that doesn’t even come close to what it will be like for me after I visit Mozambique this Fall. And of course since it’s Africa, there are challenges we face in staying in communication. Dave often loses power or internet service (sometimes mid-conversation) and different time zones add to the inconvenience. So much of the time we “divide and conquer” and trust each other to handle things independently on our own continents. We’re both really good at keeping each other in the loop, though. Kimba at a storage unit full of bras with volunteers (L-R: nathanael Shue, Savannah Khanna, Justine Langas, and audra Shue). SepT 2011
Your major ministry partner is male. How does your relationship work? What advice would you offer to other women who work in partnership with men? Dave and I knew each other through church and social circles, but were not particularly close when we started working together. neither of us had any idea what our work styles were like. We have been continually amazed at the synergy we have. There have been countless times where one of us would call or email with an idea or thought, and the other was just getting ready to share the same thing— or similar emails were sent almost simultaneously. I really think the dynamic works well because we are of opposite genders. We can be emotionally neutral and unafraid to disagree because we know neither of us will take it personally. ConTInuTed on page 19 SPRING/SummeR 2012
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It’s hard to talk about men and women working together without getting into stereotypes. I’ve always enjoyed working with men because their communication style is typically more direct, and there’s a certain freedom in that for me. Working in partnership with men is not unlike working at communicating in a marriage: but instead of learning to speak your partner’s love language, you need to discover their work language. Tell us about the “rest of your life.” What other people and activities make up your days? I’ve been married to my husband Jeff for almost ten years, and we’ve been together for 16 years. We have a five-year old son, Wyatt. Caring for my family is my most important role, and takes up most of my time. Kimba with I am involved in my husband Jeff, church, serving in children’s and son Wyatt. aug 2010 ministry once a month and participating in home group and women’s Bible study every other week. I belong to a MOPS group and recently joined the PTO at my son’s school—and serve on committees in both. As a former TV producer, I still watch TV and movies, but I also enjoy reading, cooking, singing and word games. Who are your friends—and how do you keep your friendships fresh? I have several diverse circles of friends from various jobs and seasons of my life, and I have to be very intentional about keeping in touch with them. People may have differing opinions of Facebook, but for me it keeps me connected with people I might not have the time to visit with on a regular basis. I am blessed to have the type of close friendships where no matter how much time has passed we are always able to pick up right where we left off—whether it’s by phone, over lunch, or a play date. There is an ease and comfort in those relationships—both the old ones and the newer ones.
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What would you say to women reading this about how to recognize and then invest their influence? How can they get started? How can they take the next step? never underestimate your gifts and what you can contribute. The first step is being “open” and ready to receive a calling from God. When an issue, a story, an injustice or a cause touches you at a deep level—or an opportunity to help presents itself—look at what action you can take, no matter how small. You can’t do everything, but you can do something. What is the something that you can do? Something unique to you just might make a huge difference in the life of someone else. It may be tapping into what’s already being done and finding a way you can complement or support the effort. My son loves that movie “robots,” and my favorite line from the film is “See a need, fill a need.” n
Here’s how you can get involved with Free the Girls:
Donate a gently used bra or two. (Find the shipping address on sidebar.) Plan a bra drive or fundraising event. This can be something small like a gathering of friends in your home; collecting bras and donations from coworkers; an awareness event with your church or service organization; or a larger community-wide concert or benefit. Spread the word on Facebook and Twitter, or watch for anti-trafficking events in your area where you could represent Free The Girls by collecting bras and handing out information. Sign up a local business to become a drop off location for bra donations. Become a financial sponsor. Donors and corporate sponsors cover office expenses so public donations can be earmarked for job creation programs.
send your gentlyloved bras (along with a suggested donation of $1 per bra to cover overseas program costs and shipping) to:
Free the girls 8200 s. Quebec st., #a3-137 Centennial, Co 80112
RichMedia watch the Cnn Freedom Project video on Free the girls
Dig deeper with this additional content.
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{
resting place
}
“If he created scallops simply for our nourishment, why paint each shell with delicate and particular colors? And why, indeed, trouble to make so many different things to nourish us, when in the Bible we read that a simple manna fed the Hebrews day following day? It came to me then that God must desire us to use each of our senses, to take delight in the varied tastes and sights and textures of his world.” — Bethia in Caleb’s Crossing by Geraldine Brooks, pp. 49-50
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a feature inviting you to think through your theology. By Carolyn Custis James
Walking in the darkness.
Think Again! FullFill (back in 2007) told of one of those dreaded phone calls—the one with Frank’s mom on the line, the strained desperation in her voice sounding like one of those frantic 911 recordings. Frank’s mountain climber brother Kelly was in trouble somewhere near the summit of Oregon’s Mt. Hood. We’d been fearing that call for years. The roller coaster week that followed— broadcast on national television networks for all the world to see—left behind a grieving family and lots of “Why?” questions. With people praying all over the world and media cameras rolling, why didn’t God come through for us? This past December, I got another one of those calls. This time the strained voice was my father’s telling me doctors had discovered a large mass in his lung. Anyone who has gotten one of those calls knows there’s no way to prepare for news
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like that. And so it began again—the roller coaster of erratic ups and downs that leave hopes soaring one day and dashed the next. His first biopsy ruled cancer out. We were ecstatic. But joy was cruelly shortlived when more extensive tests proved the mass in his lung was cancer. The resulting emotional whiplash has been tough enough to handle for myself. It’s even worse to see someone I love go through it along with all the multilayered suffering that cancer brings. When trouble strikes, I don’t need anyone to tell me how crucially important every moment I’ve spent thinking about God is, wrestling with those nagging why questions, and probing his Word to know God better. Trouble sends us into uncharted territory. Ignorance of God puts us in the untenable position of trusting someone we don’t know. When the lights go out and we’re feeling our way in the
dark—faith needs to know the God who holds our lives in his hands. Adults are forever warning children never to trust a stranger. We ignore our own advice when we don’t get serious about the call to love God with our minds. We’ll learn the hard way that there’s a world of difference between trying to trust a stranger and trusting someone we know can be trusted. The life-long pursuit of a deeper knowledge of God won’t spare us from struggling with doubt and fear, or experiencing the dark night of the soul. It means we have more to tell ourselves, and faith has more to grasp. In 1939, at the beginning of World War II, England’s King George VI borrowed the words of poet Minnie Louise Haskins to reassure a worried nation as they faced a frightening uncertain future. “Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!” It only takes a phone call to prove King George was right. n
RichMedia Carolyn Custis James is involved in mobilizing women through whitbyForum and synergy. Carolyn is the author of Half the Church: Recapturing God’s Global Vision for Women.
Click on the buttons to get more!
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The first article I wrote for
{ think }
What if we stopped trying to be perfect and started trying to be God’s? Eve gave up perfection in the garden, and ever since we have struggled to regain that perfect life. What would happen if trying to be perfect was no longer the focus of our entire lives? “Incredibly quick-witted while challenging, it meets you right where you are and immediately inspires you to grow from there. Susanna’s humor and realness connect you with her in such a way that you feel like you’ve made a true friend. I believe that’s a gift, and she most certainly has it.” —TIFFANY ARBUCKLE LEE, aka Plumb, songwriter and Curb Records recording artist
Learn more at www.tiredsupergirl.com
n
Available wherever books are sold. Also available in ebook format.
Pass it on
ConTeMpoRaRy ReFLeCTIon by kay wyma
this is too good to keep to yourself...
Yield “What does ‘Yield’ on that sign mean?”
hey my friend, text reFill to 22828 to join FullFill for FRee … tY! what a deal! access to the online magazine and a weekly reFill.
asks my nine-year-old as we wait at a stoplight. “Well,” I begin, “yield means letting the oncoming traffic go before you.” Compelled by my audience—restrained by seat belts and at my mercy—I can’t help but continue, “Yield means putting others’ interest ahead of your own.” Pause. “Hmmm… seems like yield should be the way we live life.” It’s true. Putting others’ interest ahead of our own just might reveal the secret of life. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34 nIV, 1984) It’s not always easy. Sometimes, compelled by my agenda, I cut people off as I race to make my turn. Lost in thought, I often don’t even see the traffic around me. racing through life to make the lights, I miss opportunities to yield, to “love one another.” Here’s to keeping my eyes peeled for yield signs, eternally grateful to Jesus who yielded for us. n Kay Wyma, mother of five, is the author of themoatblog and Cleaning House, A Mother’s Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement (waterbrook Multnomah/random house) scheduled for publication in May 2012.
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CLaSSIC ThoughT by oswald Chambers
The Call of the Natural Life “When it pleased God … to reveal His son in me….”
MarCo MaCCarini/istoCkPhoto
(Galatians 1:15-16)
The call of God is not a call to serve Him in any particular way. My contact with the nature of God will shape my understanding of His call and will help me realize that I truly desire to do for Him. The call of God is an expression of His nature; the service which results in my life is suited to me and is an expression of my nature. The call of the natural life was stated by the apostle Paul—“When it pleased God… to reveal His Son in me, that I might preach Him [that is, purely and solemnly express Him] among the Gentiles…” Service is the overflow which pours from a life filled with love and devotion. But strictly speaking, there is no call to that. Service is what I bring to the relationship and is the reflection of my identification with the nature of God. Service becomes a natural part of my life. God brings me into the proper relationship with Himself so that I can understand His call, and then I serve Him on my own out of a
overflow
motivation of absolute love. Service to God is the deliberate love-gift of a nature that has heard the call of God. Service is an expression of my nature, and God’s call is an expression of His nature. Therefore, when I receive His nature and hear His call, His divine voice resounds throughout His nature and mine and the two become one in service. The Son of God reveals Himself in me, and out of devotion to Him service becomes my everyday way of life. n taken from My Utmost for His Highest by oswald Chambers, edited by James reimann, © 1992 by oswald Chambers Publications assn., ltd., and used by permission of Discovery house Publishers, grand rapids Mi 49501. all rights reserved. order My Utmost for His Highest at 800-653-8333 or dhp.org.
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An invitation to find your place in this world. By Shayne Moore
You Have Power of Relationship
What makes women’s relationships powerful is our natural bent toward winwin, consensus building, and ensuring the inclusion of others. In our globally connected world women are natural change agents—whether in local community development where helping one woman impacts an entire community, to leading civil society, or at the peace table in conflict.
”
—Cindy Breihl, Director of Women of Vision with World Vision
Although Carrie and I had attended a bit of college together it took 20 years, the Justice Conference, and some chocolate and wine to bring us together. I was in Bend, Oregon speaking at the first-ever Justice Conference put on by World Relief. My message of waking up to the realities of global poverty and preventable disease resonated with Carrie. We are both full-time everyday moms
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wanting to make a difference in our world when it comes to those suffering in poverty or oppression. Carrie’s invitation to a trendy spot reconnected us. Carrie’s heart was breaking over an issue new to her and to many of us—the issue of modern day slavery. Or, as it is sometimes referred to, “human trafficking.” Carrie shared a story very similar to my own: a story of a heart breaking over the things that break the heart of God, yet feeling powerless in the face of such a monstrous, evil problem. There are over 27 million people in slavery today—more than ever in the history of the world. What broke Carrie’s heart also sparked her creative imagination. She reached into her life for solutions to the problem of modern day slavery. Carrie’s story is about her relationship with God, herself, her friends, and the world at large. Carrie’s heart was broken. The heartbreak led to a dream. The dream became a plan.
With the help of friends, Carrie started an organization called Someone’s Child, which seeks to empower moms to use their unique gifting to combat human trafficking. Someone’s Child engages by providing educational tools, hosting events, and offering relational support. You can learn more at SomeonesChild.net Carrie is a “worldly woman” who inspires me. She refused to be paralyzed by the magnitude of the global problem of slavery. She refused to do nothing. Like Carrie, we can begin to listen to the promptings of God, pay attention to what is breaking our hearts, educate ourselves, and engage the world. We can start where we are and with the relationships God has put in our lives. It is not cliché to say, “Together we make a difference.” It is together we find our power to create change in the world. n
Shayne Moore, MA, is the author of Global Soccer Mom: Changing the World Is Easier Than You Think. She supports and works closely with World Vision, ONE, World Relief and is a member of the World Vision Speakers Bureau. She lives with her husband, John, and three children in Wheaton, IL and can be found at facebook.com/shayne. RichMedia moore and on Twitter @ Click on the buttons to get more! GlobalSoccerMom. Look for her forthcoming book, Refuse To Do Nothing: Finding Your Power To Fight Modern Day Slavery.
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“
(worldly) women
Be a Friend.
Tell a Friend.
go To: Invite!
Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
about how much more money companies with three or more women on the board of directors donate to charity as compared with corporations with no female directors. the former group gave an average of $27.1 million to philanthropic endeavors in 2007, while the latter forked over only $969,000, according to harvard university and Catalyst.
”
—Spoken by Christopher Robin in Winnie the Pooh
Cost of providing FullFill and the weekly reFill to one woman for an entire year.
quick Fill “
Courage is the memory of success. —Barbara Stanny
”
30 seconds: in africa, malaria kills a child ever
30 seconds. bed nets can prevent malaria transmission by 50 percent and up to 90 percent in areas with high-coverage rates. go to nothingbutnets.net to learn more.
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pick your number! will you consider sponsoring a number of women to live out their influence? go to fullfill.org and click give here. donaTe
all Photos FroM istoCkPhoto: Jar bY Daniel loiselle // MoneY bY aCilo // heart net bY robert aDrian hillMan //
“
28x
FouR-LeTTeR WoRdS are words constructed of four letters. they are perfectly good, usually innocent words. some four-letter words come with baggage that weighs down their meaning. often there is negativity, discomfort or stigma assigned to such otherwise interesting and usable words. as we reconsider these words and address them openly, perhaps we can reclaim these words for their contribution to our lives.
Duck
kutaY tanir/istoCkPhoto
Duck. Duck.Goose!
Springing from a seated position and racing around a circle. Pigtails flying. Desperately reaching to tag the one who tagged before being labeled “gooser.” remember those days? Were you a successful gooser? Or one who ran a little slower? If you were slow, how did that affect you? Were you last in when assigned to run around the quarter-mile oval in gym class? Often picked last for team games? How did it make you feel? Unwanted? If so, did you ever reach a point where you simply realized your skills and talents were elsewhere? The word “unwanted” hurt as a child. now, as a busy adult, do you find there are times you prefer to be unwanted? There’s a dilemma in being a modern leader: the better you are at what you
do, and the more you do what you say you’ll do, the more sought-after you’ll become. And, quite frankly, the more you may have to methodically duck adding things to your plate. As Mary Lo Verde writes in Stop Screaming at the Microwave, “When you add and add and add in math without stopping, it’s called infinity. When you add and add and add in life without stopping, it’s called insanity.” That’s what the duck-less life becomes: insane. Make sure homework is done. Prepare to lead Bible Study. Send birthday cards. Buy a Mother’s Day gift. Make cookies for the bake sale. run kids to lessons. Assemble craft bags for Sunday School. Take a neighbor to the doctor. Write your grandmother. Attend board meetings. Help plan youth group
four-letter word
activities. Squeeze in “quiet time.” Show up at work. Make a friend. Tend a friendship. Date your husband. Do the dishes. Do laundry. Do the “hokey pokey.” Turn yourself around. Twist yourself in knots. Love your life—while at the same time wondering when the insanity will stop and you’ll have time to catch your breath. Here’s the bad news. It won’t. You’re a leader who has proven herself and you’re in demand because of it. Here’s the good news. You hold the key in your hands. You can duck. Duck responsibility for a minute, an hour, a day or a year, depending on how much recuperation time you need. If recuperation isn’t necessary, how about refreshment, rejuvenation, relaxation or recalibration? Where does that come in? And how do you do it? How about ducking regularly through worship, Bible reading, prayer, meditation, or locking yourself in the bathroom? It may just be a good time for a long, hot bath. The more methodical you are in ducking, the more strength you’ll have for the marathon. Jesus worked hard. Then he ducked the crowds. How about adding this move to your playbook? Duck. Duck. Or you’ll find yourself becoming a goose. n SPRING/SummeR 2012
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male box
Jim henderson is a speaker, author, and producer. his most subversive act to date was buying an atheist’s soul on ebay and then sending him to attend and review several churches. Jim’s newest book is The Resignation of Eve.
What Women Want
by Jim henderson
I spent three years asking women about their experiences
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with Church, including working with The Barna Group to do quantitative research while I sought stories. The result is The Resignation of Eve: What If Adam’s Rib Is No Longer Willing to Be The Church’s Backbone? This book was a work of love to honor my mom, who raised four of us on her own. It was also to show respect for the women who’ve shaped me spiritually: my first pastor, Charlotte Baker; my associate pastor and church-planting colleague rose Madrid Swetman; and my wife Barbara, who while harboring zero aspirations for public ministry continually pours out wisdom that I then repeat into microphones and type onto keyboards. In my conversations with women who came from both traditional/conservative and progressive/liberal orientations, this is what I heard and observed about how they felt about church and Christianity: Men Leave—Women Stay. If you offend me as a man, there’s a great likelihood that I will retaliate by pulling my financial support, reducing my volunteer hours and eventually leaving. Women are less reactive and more pragmatic. They’ll stay in a church much longer for the sake of their kids and husband even if their personal needs aren’t being met and even if they disagree with the pastor’s teaching.
Women are willing to walk. Despite the fact that women often stay longer than men, they are showing greater willingness to pursue their spiritual growth elsewhere. Their loyalty to a church that isn’t listening has limits due to new constraints on their time and new opportunities to express their leadership online and at work. Women are confused about the bible. While preachers may sound certain about the role of women in church their listeners are often confused and confounded. The stories I heard are all over the map on what women are and aren’t “allowed” to do. Preachers should be more honest about the fact that good people can disagree about what Paul “meant” to say about women in his letters. Women want more influence. Even women who believe that women should not be pastors reported that they would like more responsibility and influence especially beyond Sunday school, childcare, choir and women’s ministry. They would like to stop checking their brains at the doors of the same church that welcomes their bodies with open arms. Women want to be listened to. The one constant I discovered in terms of what women wanted from their pastors (regardless of their RichMedia theological leanings), was to be listened to. Click on the Churches could host listening parties where buttons to get more! women share what they’re feeling, thinking and wondering about. Bottom Line: This is not a theological issue. It’s a power issue within the church. Those who have it (pastors) need to give more away to those who lack it (women). When they do, the body of Christ on earth will grow even stronger. n
Friendable WANTED: Female Friend. Age: Less (as in age-less). Location: Present. Availability: When needed. Skills: non-judgmental listening ears and voice given to both constructive critique and compliments. Pay: reciprocity. On the subject of friendship, I’m very clear: I know what I want in a friend. That’s easy. Harder—for me— is being friendable. Approachable. Open to the new. Willing to do the work of investing from scratch. During a break at a women’s event, I’m lunching with the leadership committee. I respond politely to their inquiries, “Tell us about yourself, Elisa.” Where do I start? I could wade in and begin with the story of my parents’ divorce when I was five, my mother’s struggle with alcohol, my uber-vigiliant life as a child and adolescent. That would take too long. And require too much energy. I still have another presentation ahead. Instead, I could skim the surface of “me.” I speak, and write. Yep, I led MOPS International for twenty years. Great husband. One super duper grandchild. Two grown-yet-stillgrowing kids. Uh oh. Suddenly I’ve dipped into the deep again. I paddle back to the shore. How do I open myself to friendship in such a way that I stay safe and yet risk knowing and being known? Time for some honest self-examination. How badly do I want to be known? Honest answer: it depends. On my mood, my current circumstances, my schedule, my needs. But friendship doesn’t wait to form just when we are in the mood or need it. It’s formed in the daily and the dramatic so that when we need it, it’s there. Deeper now. What am I doing to risk being known? Hmmmm. I share. I do. I open up. In fact, I can be honest to a fault. So much spilled out so that others sit
{ my Fill } staring and wondering how they can ever connect with my messes. That is, until they realize they relate. By that moment, the conversation has moved on. But I also hold back. I busy myself with busyness. Busy busy busyness. “I’m gone all week!” “I could fit in a breakfast – oh but I have a meeting right after!” Threeminute voicemails serve as catch-up “conversations.” I want friends. But how friendable am I willing to be? Taking stock of all the friendships in my life that matter, in every one there was a time when I chose to be friendable. Such a choice was always followed by another choice to continue being friendable. And so on. Over and over and over again. Over twenty years ago, I stepped into a “covenant” group with seven others. At first we didn’t really know each other. At least all of us didn’t know all of us. We’d been gathered together by two women who felt called to bring us into a group of mutual support due to our life callings. Partly because I sensed agreement with the call and a lot because they were all older and much wiser, I committed. I knew I needed what they had. Some time after we began our monthly meetings— maybe it was a whole year—I risked and gave more of me. Unedited. raw. real. Down the road, I chose again as I listened to another sister share a dark moment. I cupped her story and held it as sacred. Through the years, I’ve chosen again and again and again. Carving out calendar space and protecting it, pausing to consider differences in our generational perspectives, bringing forth more of myself to connect with another, I’ve chosen again and again to become friendable. Jesus said, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Translated for us in the arena of friendship: “If you want a friend, be friendable.” Choose it. And then choose it over and over and over again. I am. Elisa Morgan PUBLISHEr
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thanksgiving
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