Approval Junkie No More

no more

Approval Junkie

Constance Rhodes understands body image issues.

Her mother was bulimic and she struggled with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating in college. Her experience led her to create FINDINGbalance, an online resource for those with eating disorders which reaches DAVID LAURENS / PHOTOALTO / CORBIS

over 200,000 visitors per year. In addition, Constance speaks and writes on wellness issues. As she does, God is challenging her to speak the truth of the Gospel, even to those who may not want to hear it.

A Conversation with Constance Rhodes by Mary Byers >>

WINTER 2010

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Who have you been and who is God making you to be?

I am a recovering approval junkie. I know it’s not the sexiest or most impressive title. But it’s the truth. For the first thirty years of my life this meant I was constantly seeking the attention of others, mostly men, by having the “right” physique — an effort that led me to abuse food and my body in a dogged pursuit of thinness. Today I no longer struggle with disordered eating but I still find it all too tempting to gauge my value on whether others seem to approve of me. Somewhere in the midst of this I know that God is leading me to the ultimate question: what will it take for me to believe I am 100% loved and approved by him?

What’s the story behind FINDINGbalance? And how do you work with the other experts on the site?

My mother struggled with bulimia for much of her life. When I went to college in 1988, I, too, fell into disordered eating. I document much of this struggle in my book, Life Inside the Thin Cage, but suffice to say, it completely took over my life. During one of the most volatile seasons, while I was still at Bible college, God woke me up in the middle of the night with a vision of myself standing on a platform sharing with others about the issue. I excitedly wrote it all down in my journal and thought I’d jump right into the work. Then time passed, I got married, got a job in the music business and forgot about the vision. Ten years later, as God was nudging me toward recovery, he once again refreshed this vision in my heart. A few years later the first version of the FINDINGbalance website was birthed, a publisher had accepted my book proposal, and I was hitting the road speaking. Looking back, so many great things have happened in a relatively short period of time. But it’s been almost twenty years since the original vision, so there’s been quite a time of seasoning as well.

While I have nearly thirty years of personal experience with eating disorders, I have always felt it would be important to surround myself with those who work on these issues from a clinical perspective. Eating issues are complex and recovery often requires a team approach. We try to model this by having a variety of experts on our website, answering questions on video and in written form. Many of these experts have become personal friends, and I am honored to be able to work so closely with them.

What thing — or things — helped you break the eating disorder cycle? Or do you still struggle with it?

For me, the first step was admitting there was a problem. While my eating issues were more obvious in college, such as all-night binges or months of restricting, for many years I was simply on a very controlled diet. During that time, I didn’t meet technical criteria for an eating disorder — I wasn’t a low enough weight, and I wasn’t binging or purging — so it was easy to tell myself I didn’t have an eating disorder. Then I discovered there was a category called EDNOS, which stands for “Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.” This nebulous category is sort of a catch-all for disordered eating patterns that don’t meet technical criteria for anorexia or bulimia. As I began to recognize the many ways my obsession with weight and food was stealing from me, I had to admit it had become a lifecontrolling issue. And I wanted to break free!

Today I no longer worry about what’s in the food I eat. I’ve learned over the past ten years that my body is fully capable of metabolizing what I eat if I do so reasonably. And I’ve embraced a clothing size that is a few sizes larger than I used to be. In fact, the weird part now is that since I work in the field of eating disorders, I worry more about looking too thin than weighing too much. Which goes back to my constant struggle with

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approval addiction. My husband has to remind me that whether I’m worried about being too big or too small, it’s the same thing. I need to just be who I am and not worry about what everyone else might think.

You are concerned about healthy balance in every area of a woman’s life. Why do we struggle with balance?

With health?

As I continue to wrestle with pursuing balance in my own life, I would have to say that the number one hindrance to living a balanced life is fear.

For example, my biggest battle these days is balancing my efforts at FINDINGbalance with being a wife, mother, and friend. Generally speaking, the temptation is for me to sink my best self into my work, because this is where I am most likely to feel productive and appreciated.

I am afraid that things will fall apart if I’m not working, and this fear can lead me to work way too many hours, placing an unfair strain on my family and personal life.

Recently God had to remind me (again) that he, not me, is in control of this ministry. I took an intentional step back from the crazy hours I was working and started making some deliberate changes, such as taking a break when I needed it, staying home to rest when I was sick, and allowing things to fall through the cracks. This is very hard for me because I want things to be done excellently and I frequently fear for the future of this ministry. If God IS in control, and I am giving him my best according to what is healthy for me, then I have to trust that he will take care of the rest.

Why is it so hard for us to overcome certain challenges to health and wholeness?

There are a lot of mixed messages about health, particularly when it comes to diet. Unfortunately, the church hasn’t really helped much.

On one hand you’ve got tons of “Christian Diet Books” and on the other hand many churches avoid the issue altogether. If the church is to be a place of healing, which I believe it is, then we’ve got to arm it to reach out to the three out of four women (yes, you read that right) and many men who struggle with food and their bodies. For this reason, I am very excited to have just released our first curriculum specially designed for churches.

What is God teaching you right now?

One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 29:25, which states, “The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that” (MSG). I know firsthand what it means to be “disabled.” In 2001 my mother became a quadriplegic as the result of a car accident. With no movement below her upper chest, simple tasks like brushing her teeth, feeding herself, or putting on makeup were nearly impossible.

Today my mom is no longer chained to her wheelchair. God mercifully brought her to heaven in June of 2005. But I continue to be impacted by that experience, and can’t avoid the parallels when it comes to recognizing my own willingness to accept being even partially paralyzed by my fear.

God has been working this truth into my soul for a while now, both personally and in regard to my role in ministry.

Constance Rhodes

As I head into this next season I anticipate God is leading me to be more bold about his truth — all of it, not just the popular parts.

I feel particularly challenged right now to be braver when it comes to the work I do here in our FINDINGbalance Gathering support group. While the content of these groups is certainly Christ-centered, over the past couple years I’ve felt some apprehension about including scriptures that aren’t warm and fuzzy because I know there are some attendees who don’t even really believe in God and I haven’t wanted to scare them off with stories and scriptures about God’s judgment. So I’ve been staying safe with the parts of scripture that read like good advice (much of Paul’s writings) all the while feeling that a good balance of scripture must include parts that are not so easily received. As I head into this next season I anticipate God is leading me to be more bold about his truth — all of it, not just the popular parts. This scares the approval junkie side of me, and yet I believe that we, as Christians, must not allow ourselves to get sucked into the crazy relativism that seems to have overtaken so many in our country. If we can’t equip ourselves and others with tools for waging what most certainly is a spiritual battle at its root, then what good are we really doing?

How do you believe God wants you to use your personal influence?

One of my favorite books is TrueFaced, by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol and John Lynch. In the beginning of this book, the authors make the statement that God’s dreams for us are never about us. They’re about drawing others to him. I believe that God will increase my circle of influence — and yours — as we willingly get out of the way. If we’re building his kingdom, not ours, then it cannot fail. And I believe it will exceed even our greatest dreams, if not exactly the way we might have imagined.

What do you see on the horizon for women today? How can we best be ready to join God — no matter what?

Women have an incredible opportunity to impact others through relationship.

That is how God wired us. Which is precisely why our enemy, Satan, loves to keep us distracted in any way he can. When we allow his negative voice to circulate in our minds, we can’t help but reflect some of that negativity, and in turn, our ability to reflect Christ is diminished. As Romans 8:7 says, “Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God” (MSG). As we press into what God says about who we are, rather than listening to Satan’s voice in our head, or the voices of those around us, he will fill us with light and truth that can’t help but spill out to those around us.

And what could be more beautiful than that? ■

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