Positive Discipline Sandra Willis, Ph.D. Parenting Advisor for Fun City Founder of Inspire Children's Nursery
A Roadmap: What do you want for your children? CHALLENGES (present)
CHARACTERISTICS & LIFE SKILLS (future)
Imagine your child is 25 years old and has come for a surprise visit. What kind of person do hope to see? What characteristics and life skills do you hope they have?
A Roadmap: What do you want for your children? CHALLENGES (present)
CHARACTERISTICS & LIFE SKILLS (future) Responsible (accountable) Self motivated Confident (high self-esteem) Resilient Self disciplined Curious Honest Respectful of self & others Compassionate Happy Flexible
Imagine your child is 25 years old and has come for a surprise visit. What kind of person do hope to see? What characteristics and life skills do you hope they have?
A Roadmap: What do you want for your children? CHALLENGES (present)
CHARACTERISTICS & LIFE SKILLS (future)
Won’t Listen
Responsible (accountable)
Is Defiant
Self motivated
Talks back
Confident (high self-esteem)
Lies
Resilient
Fights/Bites
Self disciplined
Whines
Curious
Lacks motivation
Honest
Will not do chores/homework
Respectful of self & others
Tantrums
Compassionate
Is media addicted
Happy
Is disrespectful (language)
Flexible
Imagine your child is 25 years old and has come for a surprise visit. What kind of person do hope to see? What characteristics and life skills do you hope they have?
A Roadmap: What do you want for your children? CHALLENGES CHARACTERISTICS & LIFE This workshop will help you understand (present) SKILLS (future)
that behavior challenges create Won’t Listen opportunities Responsible (accountable) wonderful to teach your Ischildren Defiant the valuable Self motiavated social & life skills for them. Talks back you want Confident (high self-esteem) Lies Fights/Bites
Resilient
Goals Self disciplined
1.Whines Understanding the key difference Curious between Punishments versus Lacks motivation Honest Rewards not do Respectful of self & others 2.Will Learn about tools that are chores/homework encouraging and empowering to you Tantrums Compassionate and your children. addicted Happy 3.Is media Be able to get into your child’s world to Is disrespectful Flexible understand what works and what does (language) not work, long term. 4. And more!
Imagine your child is 25 years old and has come for a surprise visit. What kind of person do hope to see? What characteristics and life skills do you hope they have?
A Roadmap: So, what do we do today? DISCIPLINE METHODS WHAT CHILDREN USED LEARN Yelling Threatening Punishment Time-out, naughty chair/corner Withdrawal of Privileges Lectures Withdraw love Inappropriate Praise Rewards Rescuing Giving up / in
A Roadmap: So, what do we do today? DISCIPLINE METHODS WHAT CHILDREN USED LEARN Yelling
Tune Out
Threatening
Don’t believe you
Punishment
Fight/Flight
Time-out, naughty chair/corner
Resist/Rebel
Withdrawal of Privileges
Getting even
Lectures
Power struggles
Withdraw love
Must get before giving
Inappropriate Praise
“I cannot do it”
Rewards
No boundaries
Rescuing
Give up
Giving up / in
Entitlement
MY CHILD DOESN’T LISTEN! MY CHILD DOESN’T OBEY!
Are you lecturing or making demands?
You say “DO!” Your child says/shows “WON’T”
Are you modeling effective listening?
Children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to…
Parents “tell” their children • What happened Kids Tune • What caused it to happen you OUT • How they should feel about it • What they should do about it
Instead of telling, try asking… • • •
When your child tells you something, do you listen or do you explain, get defensive or lecture? Do you try to talk your child out of his/her feelings? Do you try to “fix” your child’s feelings or solve the problem? Try Listening Try validating their feelings Try asking curiosity questions
ASKING VERSUS TELLING TELLING
ASKING
GO brush your teeth Do your homework Tidy Up! Stop fighting with your brother/sister Hurry up and get dressed
Stop whining Put your dishes in the sink
Connection Before Correction The Power of a HUG
5 CRITERIA FOR POSITIVE DISCIPLINE 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Is it respectful? (kind vs. mean & firm vs. spoiling) Does it help your child feel a sense of belonging and significance? Is it effective long-term? Does it teach valuable social & life skills to build a good character? Can your child discover how capable he/she is and feel empowered?
No punishment
Validate Feelings: I know you don’t want to stop playing, AND it is time for ….
3 Rs of Punishment 1. Rebellion: They cannot make me! 2. Revenge: I’ll get even one day… 3. Retreat: I’m must be a bad person
No permissiveness Show understanding: I know you would rather watch TV than do your homework, AND homework needs to be done first.
No rewards
Redirection: You don’t want to brush your teeth, AND we’ll do it together. Want to race?
No praise
Agreement in Advance: I know you don’t want to tidy up your room, AND what was our agreement? (Kindly and quietly wait for the answer.)
No pampering/rescuin g or fixing
Provide a Choice: You don’t want to go to bed, AND it is bedtime. Do you want one story or two stories when your jammies are on?
No punitive timeout
Choice and follow through: I know you want to keep playing video games, AND your time is up. You can turn it off now, or it will be put in my closet.
BALANCE IN POWER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Controller -overpowering-
Victim -disempowered-
Where does the balance of power lie in the relationship with your child?
BALANCE IN POWER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Think of a recent power struggle with your child. • What happened, who did/said what and why? • What did you do/say that was firm but not kind? • What did you do/say that was kind but not firm? Get into you child’s world and make a guess about what he/she was thinking, feeling and deciding to do. Create a new scene where you are both kind and firm. How? 1. KINDLY validate your child’s feelings &/or verbalize understanding of what he or she wants. 2. FIRMLY state what needs to be done. 3. Add a choice, redirection, or a KIND and FIRM statement about what you will do.
DISCIPLNE METHODS TO AVOID Time-out Grounding Naughty chair You Think About What You Did
Where did we get the crazy idea that to make children do better, we need to first make them feel worse?
Children DO better when they FEEL better
DISCIPLNE METHODS TO AVOID Pretend you just came home from work and you get borated, “I cannot believe you left such a mess. I am sick and tired of cleaning up after you. Go to your room and think about what you did and don’t come out until I tell you.” What would you be thinking? How would you be feeling? What would you decide to do? Are you thinking, “thank-you so much. This time-out is so helpful. I am so grateful that I’m learning so much. I am sure to bring all my problems to you because you are so helpful and encouraging…
Are you thinking about… revenge, not getting caught next time? How you are a bad unlovable child?
CREATE A POSITIVE TIME OUT AREA CREATE A FEEL GOOD SPACE • Sit with your child to create a positive time out area that will help them cam down & feel better. • Explain that sometimes we get upset & need time/place to calm down. • Decide together what to put in that corner that is comforting and soothing. • Have your child give it a name
Instead of a punitive Time-Out, ASK: 1. Would it help you to got to the feel good space [insert name] 2. Would you like me to go with you? 3. Model this life skill by going yourself when needed.
Not appropriate for children under 3 years
WHAT ELSE? 1. 2. 3. 4.
Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards Positive Discipline Wheel of Choice Weekly Family Meeting Time Trampoline! Swing!
Sandra Willis, Ph.D. Founder We have to remember to have the courage to be imperfect