Dr Bill Webster on that ‘Better Place’

That “Better Place”

By Dr Bill Webster

Iam given opportunity to conduct funeral services on occasion, often when someone wants a “Scottish celebrant” to honor their cultural traditions or heritage; or when someone requests a “non-religious” service.

But what do people mean by a “non-religious service” these days?

Personally, I feel it is my privilege to serve any family who has experienced the loss of a loved one. When I discuss the service with them, I usually begin by expressing condolences, assuring them that the details of the service are “their agenda, not mine”, which puts people at ease.

Then we discuss the elements of the service. “I understand that your family is not religious,” I begin, “but would you like me to offer a prayer of thanksgiving for their life, and a prayer of comfort for the family?”

On most occasions, the response is positive with people adding the explanation, “Oh we don’t attend Church, and we are not religious, but “I believe my loved one is in a better place.”

I often wonder, (to myself of course), what or where is “that better place”?

Nonetheless, with their own input to different components of the service, the family often leaves with the words, “this is exactly what we wanted.” When a minister or celebrant builds the service round the family’s choices, rather than their own agenda, there is usually a positive outcome.

Now, there have been occasions when I have been asked to conduct a humanist service with absolutely no mention of God or an afterlife. As person of faith myself, I find this more challenging, but I remind myself that I am there to be of service to this family and to comfort them in a way that is meaningful for them. The funeral must be “their agenda” not mine.

It is my belief that we must embrace and respect the dignity of others even though we may not always agree on certain principles, points or practices.

Every one of us has a belief system… about ourselves, about other people, about the world, about life and about death. For many their belief system includes an idea about what we think or hope will happen after death.

While many today do not think of themselves as “religious” per se, they do want to acknowledge a spiritual element to their lives. Spirituality, however we define it in our personal lives, is a bridge between human feelings of helplessness and powerlessness, reaching beyond ourselves to find a renewed sense of meaning, purpose and hope. Some define it as God, others a “higher power” and many in the query, “Is this all there is?”

We would all like to believe that life is going to work out in a way that makes sense. But when life’s circumstances don’t seem to be meaningful, our belief system can be shaken and challenged. There are many times and situations in our lives when we realize we have to reach beyond ourselves to find truth and meaning … times when we say, “There must be more to it.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross makes this significant observation:

“In terms of the unconscious, we cannot conceive of our own death, to imagine an actual ending of our own life here on Earth. And if this life of ours has to end, the ending is always attributed to some malicious intervention from the outside, by someone or something else.

This is very important to understand. If I have to die, I can only conceive of it as being killed, a destructive catastrophic death that hits me from the “outside” when I am not prepared.”

Because we find it difficult to think of a world or situation in which we no longer exist, many, in their own belief system, hold on to the hope that we will continue to live after death in heaven or some other “better place” in which we will perpetuate and prolong our existence.

The Book of Ecclesiastes states that “there is a time to be born, and a time to die.” But right after that famous passage there is a verse that says that God has “set eternity in the human heart.” There seems to exist an awareness in every human soul that there must be “something more” than this fleeting, transient world, whether we believe in “God” or whether we believe something else.

Some might cynically call that “denial of reality”, but remember denial is a coping mechanism that helps us to accept the unacceptable. Death after all will be the final test of anyone’s beliefs and practices.

When any loved one dies, we do not want to accept the termination of their life. The awareness of “eternity” gives us a hope that there is something more to life than what we can see and experience in the here and now. It gives a glimpse of stability that through all the ups and downs of life, in our awareness of the brevity of life and our fear of it ending, a belief that a part of us lives forever.

We need to support people in whatever brings them comfort and hope.

And maybe, that’s where for many these days, that “better place” fits in.

Comprehensive Grief Support Resources

e Centre for the Grief Journey

After Dr. Bill Webster lost his son 2 years ago, he recommitted himself to assisting those suffering the loss of a loved one.

His newly designed website contains a wealth of timely articles, numerous videos , live online sessions and ongoing support programs to help people in your care and community navigate the grief journey.

Visit www.griefjourney.com to start your journey.