MAY 2014
MAGAZINE
ARTIST: Cryptik, “Untitled”
Street Art Save My Life Facebook.com/streetartsavemylife
WHAT THE FUNK’S INSIDE 5..................THE RUNDOWN 6.................. EDITOR’S NOTE 7................. OUTSPOKEN: Katherine S. 11................. LIU BOLIN: Invisible Man 21................. A CELEBRATION OF NURTURERS by Anastasia Chase
25................. #RESPECTTHECOOL: Mic Blaque EP Review by Almighty Wise
27................ BOSSIIE: Tjovitjo EP Review by K. Nikki 31................ GO BIG OR GO HOME: Leeza Romans 43................. STEP ONE TO HEALING: REFLECTION by Allison Burden 49................. CECILIA PAREDES: CAMOFLAUGED
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E EDITOR-IN-CHIEF C.E. LAWTON SENIOR EDITOR GENESE NICOLE CREATIVE DIRECTORS C.E. LAWTON & GENESE NICOLE APRIL CONTRIBUTORS “Almighty” Wise, Anastasia Chase, Katherine Silverio, Allison Burden, Kelley “K. Nikki” Franklin, David A. Ochs ADVERTISING info@funktheformulamag.com FUNKTHEFORMULAMAG.COM It’s the commentary of your life ... but better. Art. Culture. And Then some.
FOLLOW FUNKTHEFORMULA FACEBOOK.COM/FUNKTHEFORMULA TWITTER: @FUNKTHEFORMULA YOUTUBE.COM/FUNKTHEFORMULA INSTAGRAM: @FUNKTHEFORMULAMAG
COVER: Artist, Leeza “Miss Boombox” Romans photo by guest photographer, David Ochs www.davidaochs.com LEFT: Artist, Leeza “Miss Boombox” Romans
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EDITOR’S NOTE May the force ... Ok, shed your overcoat. It looks like the trickery of the season may be at the cusp of ending. That means getting out from under the covers of what ails you - your fears, your insecurities, et cetera - and flexing your real skin. Let the soon to be consistent (hopefully) sunrays warm you up to what could be new life. Now is a moment in time to look at the life ahead of you at a different angle, recognize your true capabilities and widen your frame of thought to fit more parts of the bigger picture within view. Looking at life differently is like a night and day thing. Actually not “like,” it IS a night and day thing. You know that area of town you may frequent at a certain hour of the day or night, but there’s that one time you are there at an opposing time within that day or night; everything looks different, doesn’t it? It’s like seeing the world you thought you knew with new sight. Even if this didn’t cross your mind on a grander scale than “oh, THIS is how this area looks in the daytime?” (because generally, many may not give it that much thought) I’d hope that you reading this or maybe whatever epiphany moment that arises for you helps you to start digging deeper and looking at things in that manner. It’s something that can be applied to life on the whole. When your viewpoint changes, the world around you changes accordingly; and the skin you allow yourself to bear could be the door opener to truths and strengths substantial to your further growth and understanding of who you are and where you stand in the universe around you. Knowledge of self and the capabilities you possess can be all the strength you need to peruse through this life and change it for the better, whether for yourself or those around you. Show yourself to yourself more and begin to enhance your world view, and you’d be surprised at the true power you could exert ... The power you let sleep for so long. Shed that overcoat. You’ve defended against the forces of nature enough ... Time to let nature feel yours. LIVE. -C.E. Have questions, suggests, comments? Feel free to contact us: info@funktheformulamag.com
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OUTSPOKEN Your words. Your thoughts. Out loud.
by Katherine S.
ho is that I see through the mirror. She reminds me of someone I knew. Her eyes, her smile, her face. It all looks so familiar.
I wonder where did she go? Its been a while since I’ve seen her. So sweet, so innocent, also a dreamer. She was kind, beautiful, a wholehearted giver. Smart, talented, that girl was born a winner.
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Last I saw her, I can tell something had changed. She had lost her way. You can tell she was in a struggle. That young girl was no longer the same.
Her warm smile, was rigid. The fire in her eyes, had frozen Her kind heart, seemed shattered. Her sweetness, went sour. She was no longer a dreamer, not even a believer. Its been years since since I’ve seen her. I wonder where she could be?
Who is that woman I see through the mirror smiling back at me? Her smile seems so familiar. Like that girl i once knew. But now i wonder is it her? Can it be?
That girl is now a woman, and she is starring right at me. I can feel her warm smile and see fire the in her eyes. The innocence is gone but still has a kind heart. She is still not a dreamer but she is a believer. That woman is wise. A full out achiever.
There she is. That Woman. That woman is ME.
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ARTIST: Sigi Kolbe, “Untitled”
Street Art Save My Life Facebook.com/streetartsavemylife
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It’s 10 hours of dedication, but that can be nothing to artists who enjoy redefining existence within everyday terrain. These images of Liu Bolin seamlessly blending into his surroundings are awe inspiring. #WhoIsWaldo
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ARTIST: Hans Walor, “Seeing the Passage Within”
Street Art Save My Life Facebook.com/streetartsavemylife
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It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.
My mother and I bonded over Maya Angelou books and library visits when I first came to America. She, like many Caribbean women, moved to the United States to create a better opportunity for the both of us. I spent quite a few years with my Grandparents in the interim, and I almost forgot the delicate dance that is a mother / daughter relationship. She was a single mother at the time, working multiple jobs and still managed to go to school to better herself. She, like most women in my family were fighters. The issues started not too long after I came to NY. I was displaced and felt a desperate loneliness as the expanding feeling of culture shock became a thick film over every move I tried to make. In a few years that turned to a complete disrespect for her journey and the path that I was on as I felt like it was forced and gave me no consideration. That was 13 years ago and today, our relationship is a testimony to how all relationships can succeed with work. Often times as children, teens and young adults; we fail to recognize that the person we call Mother; had her own life, dreams, hopes and thoughts well before we were even a part of their lives. We become consumed with fitting women into the box of Motherhood and how much of an accomplishment that is; that we forget that it is merely one aspect of who they are as a person. The turning point in our relationship was when I moved out; rather abruptly and without notice. This wasn’t a move a town or county over; I moved 21
from Florida to New York. After months of leaving her to speculate on my safety, my Mother in a display of her ingenuity, found me. There were many tough conversations, crying and honest feelings that were shared over the course of about a year and we were on our path to recovery. Today, I’m absolutely proud of the bond that we have and would be devastated if we ever took any steps backward. In talking about these struggles and subsequently our personal triumph over them, I realized that this break down in parental relationships is too common and it can be avoided. So, I’m here with a bit of advice; and while it may not work or apply to your particular situation (if you are in a bad way with your folk(s), I’m hoping that it would at least allow you to take a step back and re-analyze your situation and make a decision to do different, to be different. Don’t forget that your parent(s) have feelings. This is the most significant of all points. If you are able to acknowledge that you are speaking to someone who does feel, perhaps with the same intensity that you’re feeling. Instead of only pushing your side of the issue / discussion; it would be great to ask how they are feeling or ask clarifying questions to ensure that it is understood that you would like to find middle ground. Always assume that they have your best interests at heart. If you go into every conversation or situation assuming that the person you’re talking to is against you then chances are you will get defensive and your negative energy may exasperate the conversation or just reinforce your own misguided ideas when the conversation takes a negative or angry turn. All relationships take work. This is true of ALL relationships; familial, friendships and romantic relationships. Take the time to put the work in. Don’t leave it up to your parent to call, be interested in them as a person; not just as “Mom” or “Dad” they are so much more than that and allow them the chance to get to know you as you continue to grow and you continue to get closer together. The onus is on us as young people to make sure that we are thankful for the people who decided to be our village and raise us. I’m not asking you to be a doormat in a toxic relationships, it’s unfortunate that some of us have those experiences; I’m asking you to honor, love and respect the people that have been there for you, even if it is in the smallest of ways. For some of us; it’s our Mothers but it could be your Teacher, Professor, Older Sister / Cousin and everyone in between. In honor of Mother’s day, let’s celebrate all of those who have helped nurtured us along the way; and Mom? I love you.
Anastasia Chase is an aspiring writer, bibliophile, lover of food, culture and everything in between.
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ARTIST: Brusk, “Untitled”
Street Art Save My Life Facebook.com/streetartsavemylife
K. Nikki of UndergroundDiva.com presents a music review of Tjovitjo
Artist: Bossiie Location: London, UK Styles: Hip Hop, RnB, Trap Similar to: M.I.A, Azealea Banks, Nicki Minaj, Missy Elliott CD: Tjovitjo Release date: 28/08/2014
In an attempt to build buzz and notoriety for her music, London rapper Bossiie released her EP Tjovitjo for advanced streaming, months before the official premiere date in August (think: the hype before the hype). In this 3-track EP, the effort to produce something of substance is present. The production team of Bossiie, Miles Gould, and Raphadon came together striving to capture her “sassy, unorthodox rhyming style” in a condensed and entertaining body of work. However, Tjovitjo feels like a lackluster pursuit at attaining the label “trill bitch.” In fact, the second track “TIP” is a cover of Wiz Khalifa’s “Gang Bang.” which follows the template of songs considered “trill”: be background noise to the young inebriated minds who only wish to sway, jump, and retain, at least, vertical balance in a party. The EP is elementary when it comes to lyricism and the beats are littered with the “floating above the clouds” tone, 808’s, and hi-hats needed to coax the stoner’s mental state. Every track prompts the sub-par reaction “well, that song was okay.” But what’s aggravating about the project is the potential it had to be something better. The first track, “Hero” had the concept to be a hit: a play on the stories of heroes, but this time, it’s told from the view of the lady in distress, looking for her romantic savior. But with a lack of imaginative, storytelling tactics and mostly general plots tied together to make a typical scenario, it would be that song in your iPod you question every time it shows up in your random shuffle. The most insightful line is Bossiie saying “maybe I don’t know what love is, but how can I know what love is if I don’t come from love?” The tragedy of being lost in love evokes many ways to interpret its source and consequences, like domestic violence, cheating or lying, but there isn’t much of a real look into her 25
experiences that bred this song and an opportunity to create a connection with the many going through this emotional turmoil is missed. Taking in the last track, which is the title of the whole project, is where a listener could possibly lose the hint of a thread that was holding this EP together. Granted, it’s cute as she boasts “I’m so official, make ‘em wanna blow the whistle.” But that is another example of recycling this EP exhibits; a line paraphrased from an artist (Lil’ Wayne) who also contributes to the trap music and culture. Rudimentary themes of “not giving a fuck about anything” and “how much better I am than you” plague this song as a one-of-many track that can be thrown into the pits of this generations collection of music which doesn’t expand the mind, prompt progression or even introduce a new way of “turning up.” No. It’s just about having a good time the same way kids always have fun: getting dressed in the standard trill uniform, head to the same party, full of the same people, to join the sea of intoxicated zombies moving to the music. Smoke. Drink. Repeat. While Bossiie is currently pushing this project to keep her listeners engaged, a second EP is in the works with no other information given besides, well, it’s being worked on. As she continues to work on music and pursue this career path, I hope, for the sake of her music, more experiences will come. And with more experience should come more material and development in storytelling so the audience could at least find a new way to lose all sense of reality and emotional attachment so that we can just party all night long. For now, this EP can be downloaded and keep you company when you want to exit the real world only to be transported to an outside world that’s not so contrary: a sort of paradoxical place, like organized chaos or trying to be different, which becomes an accidental trend: the “different” trend. Stream the EP in full on Soundcloud: soundcloud.com/baldbastardnamed-bossiie-jizzmaterial/sets/bossiie-tjovitjo Stay in contact with Bossiie www.bossiie.bandcamp.com www.facebook.com/bossiiepage www.twitter.com/bossiiepage K. Nikki is a Hip Hop lover, music blogger for UndergroundDiva.com and various other music blogs, and a freelance publicist and management consultant for up and coming underground artists and brands.
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A review of NY Hip Hop artist, Mic Blaque’s latest EP by The Almighty Wise Mic Blaque’s new eight track album, Respect The Cool is a refreshing listen. It’s great to hear an artist who makes music without worrying about making music for the radio. This does not mean that the album is so different that it’s not “digestable.” There are enough ingredients on this plate that are familiar to the rap palate.
This opens the album with a call-to-arms urgency. With its troubling piano, and a building soundscape, Mic Blaque weaves in and out with his delivery, breaking down the issues surrounding music today: its lack of substance, and rappers who will say anything to make a buck at the cost of their soul. The lyrics are very dope, very well put together. While he reminds the listener that “this is underestimated dope shit / don’t be confused by them stars be the ones that the scopes get,” he also calls out rappers with lines like “Welcome to flight higher learning / Non-believers tell me ‘what you so concerned with?” / Words from the sermon help you get up off your burden / Your American dream consists of whips that be German.” Fire!
The track has a good feel vibe without sounding cheesy; it allows Blaque to be thought provoking without being preachy as he declares “We Kings!” as the hook. He speeds his flow up in double time, and while he relies more on his flow he still manages to drops gems like “they don’t believe / they don’t believe / a pen and a pad is all that I need / teachin’ the youth and plantin’ those seeds.” This is a good driving song or something cool to vibe to with a positive message.
The track is piano-laden with sped up high hats, but the mood is introspective allowing Blaque to drop jewels, but be playful with the flow. As he states in the hook, “my inspiration just don’t let me sleep” he describes going after his goals and what motivates him. For the most part I like this song; my only complaint is the studder-step “Chief Keef” moments in a couple of verses which to me takes away from the beauty of his message. Without that misstep, this song is hot as well. 27
Over jazzy drums, and a smooth flute and brass section, Mic Blaque takes control of the music with a laid back demeanor, but still with smooth conviction. He brings along a guest, Akil, to share mic duties with, and he sounds great on this track. As vivid as oil paintings ... you can get the picture. This song is like the closest thing you would hear on the radio from this album in this day and age... And he sounds comfortable on this. While it does sound like a radio banger, I wonder whether or not this fits cohesively on this album alongside tracks like “The Art, The Cool” and “Kings.”
Nice guitar opens up the song as Blaque states “From hieroglyphics to graffiti on the wall / The message still the same, depends on how you see it all” and he remains introspective throughout this song. The word “Growth” comes to mind when hearing this. Blaque paints a picture of a person striving towards his goals because it is part of “God’s plan.” This is one of my favorite songs; the production and lyrics are tight.
Cash rules... Cash rules... echos as this song opens up. Blaque then laces the song along with Top Dolla Raz breaking down the “mindfuckin’ of the public” in his verse with lines like “Death to the shit they glorify / They tell you lies just to see your dreams demoralized.” Top Dolla Raz holds it down in the second verse, rounding out this street banger. This track has great energy, and is definitely a jeep rattler.
Another standout cut from this album. Mic Blaque digs in and opens his verse “I’m going hard to get you out that shelter / If I can’t build myself, how can I ever help ya?” With lyrics describing moments of powerlessness from the grief of losing a child, to dreams deferred, this song has a somber feel, but it is done beautifully. A great album closer.
Mic Blaque is a very good emcee, and the project as a whole is a great effort. Respect The Cool does not sound like anything that is out there. While Mic Blaque discusses social commentary, he has found a way not to make it preachy or boring, which is a skill in itself. The production on the album is perfect for Mic Blaque’s voice, along with the lyrics. Aside from my opinion of the song “Vehicle Music,” it’s great to hear a project that sounds like this, because you can tell that the artist had something emphatic to say. 28
ARTIST: Banksy, “Phone Lovers” Bristol, England
Street Art UTOPIA
www.streetartutopia.com
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One of the many beautiful things about art is the ability to go BIG with the visual landscape. A well executed mural can provide a nice backdrop to a city flourishing with culture, especially if it reflects the story of the area you may find one in. In New York City you may find some of the greatest mural pieces in various corners of the Bronx and Brooklyn, and some parts of Manhattan and Queens especially some of the most vivid and stylized graffiti pieces reflecting the historic NY Hip Hop culture (Queens once being the home to the prolific landmark of graffiti and hip Hop culture, 5 Points, before the building owner decided to take the warehouse in another visual & financial direction, whitewashing long standing art pieces from the many walls in late 2013). Street art has come a long way in acceptance, as far as legality, practice and prevalent appreciation on a more international scale; anonymity isn’t as much of a concern, as more and more murals and art pieces are being requested and commissioned by some of the well established artists that have withstood the test of time to reach the proverbial spotlight, as well as up and comers. Brooklyn based artist, Leeza “Miss Boombox� Romans looks to share her art on grander scales with her mural works. 32
We were able to meet up with Leeza on a slightly grey afternoon in Brooklyn at the bike shop, BikeSmith where one of her pieces adorns the side wall of the business. We were on Smith and Bergen, in an area of Brooklyn flourishing with aspects of growing and changing culture. Upon arriving to the shop before Miss Boombox herself, (a nickname that stuck with her thanks to her time bar-tending to patrons that, though may not have known her name after those few drinks, they did notice the in-depth boombox tattoo on her chest, and worked with what the had to get her attention for the next round ... Ahh the artist plight) what we did observe, and to be expected, was a couple of young artists doing a mini photo shot in front of the mural piece. The allure is definitely evident, given the bright colors and surreal imagery presented across the wall. Once she arrived, we decided to start off things with a cup of coffee from the quaint coffee shop directly across the street. To really sit and interact with Leeza is to take in the positive e n e r g y a n d v i b e s o f a g o o d - w i l l e d , l i fe - l ov i n g individual. The FTF editors actually met Leeza about a year ago, assisting in the painting of a mural for Rustik Tavern located in the Bed-Stuy section of Brooklyn (That’s what it’s called, and we’re keeping it that way ... Dammit). That was a very community inspired commission, as adults, children and interested on lookers were able to partake in the creation the beautiful final piece that lends to the atmosphere of the patio area of the restaurant. The aspect of getting children involved in creation and the arts is one that is dear to her heart. She expressed great concern for the love and care of children, especially those that are in special need of it. “I would run like my own personal ... I wouldn’t even call it an orphanage ... Because they would be MY kids. And then right next to it would be a pitbull rescue center ... And I’d adopt like 40 dogs and 20 children.” Her heart shows through the fun characters and scenes that bring her works to life. Romans knew her calling as an artist at the age of 8. Her first piece, a watercolor painting of a parakeet, was at the tender age of 4, inspired by a young life exposed to animals (her father was a veterinarian). Pursuing her art further, she began getting scholastic awards for her work in middle school. “At 14 I got my first tattoo, and you know, my family and my father’s friends were like ‘OOH you fucked up your life, you’ll never get a job!’ and I was like, ‘yeah I am, I’m an artist! Artists can have tattoos, so don’t worry about me.’” She recalled her first big piece that she worked on was on a wall in Berlin, where it was crafted in few hour intervals, given at the time it was more an artist act of free expression rather than a legalized commission. However, the doors began to open for Miss Boombox when she was commissioned for a mural at the East River Bar, her first official mural, which she tackled on her own. She pulled off the work for free, under the scrutiny of others given the size of the work, but with the honest intent of building a resume to garner more professional funding for her time for later works. From there, pieces at 33 29
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East River Bar 97 South 6th St. Brooklyn, NY
Soda Bar
629 Vanderbilt Ave Brooklyn, NY
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Rustik Tavern 471 Dekalb Ave Brooklyn, NY
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Soda Bar and Rustik Tavern were added to her growing portfolio of larger than life artworks. Looks like she was right. Generally, people find her by her work or contact her through finding her website, and Romans has found that everyone she’s come across has exuded genuine, goodnatured spirits and appreciative support of the art. The work we had visited on this day was one requested by her friend, the owner of BikeSmith, who was a fan of her works at the aforementioned locations and wanted to add a livelier aspect to the wall of the shop. The importance of bike safety was the overall message, and Romans looked to deliver with free creative reign to play with how that message is represented. Her affinity for buildings and animals round out the dream-like, vivid imagery. She uses animals in the place of people for a very simple, but sensible reason: people are boring, visually. But that’s not to say the animals aren’t inspired by her real life friends and people in her life. “We could put Humpty Dumpty in there, and he cracked his head because he didn’t wear a helmet.” Ooh, Humpty ... Had he been more careful his folly would not be immortalized on a mural on the side of a Brooklyn bike shop. As she continues to rise in her art, what she’s grown to learn and understand is something that many artists can definitely take away from, up and coming or experienced. “Continue doing what you’re doing and be persistent about. Have a goal, have a plan and execute it. Things don’t come easy, but things do come. Don’t give up. I’d rather struggle financially doing what I love to do, being an artist, rather than struggle emotionally hating what I do and making money.” Many of us can concur, and that’s an aspect of what FunktheFormula, or “Funking the Formula” is all about. However, Miss Boombox’s definition summed it up nicely: “It’s just having “It” and bringing “It” to the world. Having Funk and being able to execute it. Having some sort of artistic, some sort of ... they call it swag I hear. But I don’t like that word so I’m not going to use it ... Having Funk is better.” We whole-heartedly agree, Miss Boombox. Want to see more work or commission Leeza for a piece? Check out her contact info below! www.missboombox.com @leezaboombox on Twitter Facebook.com/leezaboombox <<Bike provided by BikeSmith Brooklyn
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It’s just having It and bringing It to the world. Having Funk and being able to execute it. Having some sort of artistic... They call it ‘swag’ I hear ... But I don’t like that word so I’m not going to use it ... Having Funk is better. Leeza, on what it is to “Funk The Formula”
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ARTIST: SMUGONE (Collaboration), “Untitled”
Street Art Save My Life Facebook.com/streetartsavemylife
Step One To Healing: Reflection
by Allison Burden Oftentimes in relationships that end badly or painfully, we tend to look at the other person, especially if we’re left with the hurt, and in our minds blame them for everything that went wrong. The problem with this thinking is that you’re saying they were always wrong, and you were always right. Neither of these is possible. You may not want to face this, but you were not perfect in the relationship, either. Don’t close this page yet – I’m not attacking you, or picking on you. I just want to wake you up to the reality of what happened in your relationship – there’s life waiting for you, and if you continue to blame them, you’re making yourself a victim, and victims never win – only survivors do. I know your ex did a lot that hurt you, but this part isn’t about them. You can’t stay focused on them. You get to focus on yourself now, and the good news is that you can make the decision to make changes for you, because you are the only person you can control – that’s why it’s called self-control. Okay, I’ll leave you alone – I’ll just talk about me… It took a while for me to do this too, but it was necessary. It’s not pleasant, especially when you’re in the middle of your hurt, but it has to be done. Not facing it only guarantees that you will repeat the same actions, and unfortunately, you are setting yourself up to repeat the same heartbreak. I don’t know about you, but if all I have to do to avoid ever feeling like this again is simply acknowledge the things I could have done differently, then please, sign me up!!! In my situation, I made 2 very big mistakes that I’ll never make again – I stopped listening to my inner voice and second guessed myself, and I let pain and rejection, or the threat of them, cloud my judgment: As I’ve become more sensitive to God’s voice, I notice that my 43
ability to discern things has become stronger, too. That discernment was screaming at me while I was with My Teacher, but I didn’t listen…. My Teacher, at least in my eyes, is a brilliant man. A genius. I held onto his every word, not because I was so attracted to him, but I genuinely enjoyed listening to what he had to say. Because he was so much older than me, I also believed that meant his words had more merit, as he had a lot more life experience than I did. I truly respected his opinion, and almost exclusively took his advice. I believed him to be a great father, and because he had more children than I, 2 of which were older than my son, I took his advice about raising my son, believing that his advice could only help me. He was also very analytical; that was both a blessing and a curse to our relationship. I loved his mind, the way he thought things through and came up with ideas, but often he came across like he wanted to be my shrink more than my boyfriend. Most women love getting calls from their man, usually because they know they’re going to hear that they’re beautiful or missed, and in the beginning, I got those, too; but towards the end, I would feel my stomach tighten every time I saw his name on my phone, because more often than not, I wouldn’t hear “Good morning beautiful, I was thinking about you,” or “Hi Baby, I just wanted to hear your voice – I miss you…” I’d hear “Hello, how are you? I was thinking about this thing you said, and I think you should/ haven’t/aren’t/don’t understand/need to…” Don’t get me wrong, he was very insightful, but it became too much. He overdid it. I began to wonder if there was anything about me that he did like. He also had a way of twisting my words around and seemed to have a double standard where I was concerned. 6 months after we were in the same city, I began to let him know that I was confused with the way things were going. After a lot of conversation, he dismissed me, saying that “it wasn’t like we’d been together for 2 years or anything.” Fast forward to the 2 year mark, I bring up the same issue, and how I interpreted the last conversation to mean that he would actually listen to me if we had dated that amount of time, he then says “so you’ve been waiting to bring this back up, huh?” We’re both Christians, and I still believe in women submitting to their husbands (we’ll talk about that later). There were times when I wasn’t agreeing with something he said that he would ask “are you going to submit, or not?” If I brought up something similar however, he was quick to remind me that we weren’t married. Discernment kept telling me this man wasn’t ready. I kept seeing little signs. But, he kept telling me he wasn’t the problem. I was. And I always backed down and tried to fix myself. He was one of the most decent men I knew, but he was so focused on not being deceived again that for most of our relationship, he never really dated me – he spent too much time looking for potential red flags, or similarities to his ex-wife, and usually overreacting, to ever appreciate who I was. He overanalyzed and nitpicked himself out of this relationship. And I allowed him to hurt me on several occasions. Hurt, afraid, cautious – whatever I wanted to call it, there were times that My Teacher was just an ass, and I should have let him go. But I would allow the same thing to happen – I would tell him that he wasn’t being fair to me, he would use that beautiful mind of his to deflect what I said and diminish it to a personal issue I had with myself, and then leave me thinking that I was wrong for ever speaking up. He was older than me. He was smarter than me. He was married a LOT longer than I was, so he must be right, right?
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Um, no. I forgot that the sun didn’t rise and set on his every word. I forgot that before him, I was a bright, intelligent, warm, loving and very caring woman, sometimes to a fault, who was not irrational and had grown into a woman who was no longer insensitive to the needs of other people – meeting him didn’t change that. At All. I forgot that I had my own relationship with God, and that it was no less important or worthy than My Teacher’s relationship with Him. I forgot to remember that just because he didn’t agree with me, it didn’t always mean I was wrong. I forgot to stand my ground. I forgot that loving him, and having faith in who I believed he was supposed to be in my life, didn’t mean that I had to subject myself to some of the things he did and said. I forgot that understanding why someone was the way they were didn’t mean that I had to take what they dished out. I forgot that I always had the option of walking away. And, in the strong desire I had for my son to have two good parents to learn and grow from, I forgot he already had one – me, and even though I made mistakes, I was doing an outstanding job. I don’t even have a good reason for why I forgot all of those things. I loved him, but I think I was just afraid of watching him walk out the door. He seemed to always want to make it known that he wasn’t so invested that he couldn’t just walk out the door. I wasn’t able to say the same, and I was afraid of not having him in my life. I gave him too much control. I was afraid of being without him, but couldn’t see that I already was. He didn’t want me to have him, for whatever reason, so I didn’t, and no matter how much I bent over backwards, or walked on egg shells, or tried to be whatever he wanted me to be, the reality is until HE wanted to see what was in front of him, it wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t love him enough for both of us…..had I just accepted that, instead of fighting for what I felt was supposed to be mine, I would have saved myself a lot of tears, and a lot of heartache. It’s time for some of you to accept the reality that there are some things you could have done differently, not to make you feel bad, or condemn you, but so you can grow. There’s no good reason for any of us to go through the amount of hurt we’re going through again, especially if we have a choice. Know the difference between being cautious and being fearful; Those who are being cautious in relationships, but still want you in their lives, may go a little slower, but their actions and words will usually line up, they won’t run “hot and cold,” and you will see consistent progressive steps; those being fearful or trying to date you with walls still up, will overreact to every mistake you make and withdraw, usually with no explanation (or, they’ll blame you); or will take something you do or say, and blow it up into something more than it really is, or twist your words. Here’s an example: My Teacher had a job that kept him away – a lot. I hated it, not just for me, but because it started to cut into the already little time he had with his children. When it was okay for me to talk in terms of a future with him, I would tell him that we could make whatever adjustments we needed to make down the line so WE could both be home together, to raise our children, and not just provide for them. I told him I didn’t need a particular sized house, because I could make any place with him a home, and I told him we could live as far below our means as possible so he could get home to be with his children, and so we could have more time to build a foundation together – what he got out of it, was that I didn’t want him to take care of his children, and that I was being selfish. Very little I said, when 31 41 45
it concerned my needs, or what I wanted to offer him, got through….. but it was really my fault for continuing to talk to a brick wall. It doesn’t matter if there was a communication issue, or if the problem was that he couldn’t, or didn’t want to, understand what I was trying to say – the minute he showed me he didn’t get it, I should have stopped talking….yeah, that stubbornness in me can be a beast…. Also learn to see things for what they are, not what you want them to be. If someone was one way in the beginning, and is becoming someone else before your eyes, don’t stay stuck in the beginning – look at what they are offering you NOW, and decide if that’s what you want for yourself. I was so blinded by how beautiful things started off with me and My Teacher, that I believed that it could happen again. The reality is that I was still doing what I did in the beginning because I wanted to; he wasn’t, because he didn’t want to. I’m not telling you that reality doesn’t hurt, because it does. I would have loved to experience life with him as a woman he treated, consistently, like the woman he wanted by his side and in his world. I would have loved to have had him understand that I was never needy, I just missed him. I would have loved for him to have understood that the outbursts I had happened because I was hurt, confused and tired of being taken for granted and neglected, like my needs didn’t matter, especially when he knew he was never treated that way. This didn’t happen for me….it may be that you wanted the same or similar from the one you loved too, and didn’t get it, but broken hearts, we have to make a decision – do we continue to wish for something from one person, or do we move on, and allow ourselves to be healed so we can receive those things from someone who wants to give those things to us? To help answer that question, ask yourself this one: do you want to spend the rest of your life as the one the “last one” didn’t want, or as the one that the “next one” appreciates, adores, and loves? No-brainer, isn’t it?…… Step Two of your healing coming soon…..
For more healing words from Allison visit her blog, at www.bestillandmove.com
A native of Goldsboro, North Carolina, Allison currently calls the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas area home. She holds a Bachelor of Science Degree in Information Systems from Winston-Salem State University (Winston-Salem, NC), and a Master of Arts Degree in Adult Education from East Carolina University (Greenville, NC). She is currently a Corporate Trainer / Instructional Designer in the Security Industry. She is mom to son Logan, and a proud member of Macedonia Ministries (Lewisville, TX), where she participates in the Music, Women’s, and Young Adult Ministries as time allows, and offers her gift of song to a local nursing home twice a month as part of the Outreach ministry. She enjoys reading, singing, writing, spoken word, listening to music, going to concerts, watching movies, trying new things, and counseling women on how to let go of past hurts, insecurities, and other issues that are affecting their relationships.
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ARTIST: Unknown, “Brain”
Street Art Save My Life Facebook.com/streetartsavemylife
Cecilia Paredes Peruvian artist, Cecilia Paredes becomes one with her illustrative surroundings as she camoflauges herself amidst her beautifully painted floral backgrounds. While the earlier explored work of Liu Bolin lends itself to complete transparency (in a literal sense), Paredes hints to the human amidst the art with her hair providing as that pop of identification.
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ARTIST: Sqon, “Angry Birds” Italy
Street Art UTOPIA
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FunktheFormula, Inc. 2014