Empire Times 41.1 by FUSA Association

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empire times Vol. 41 Issue 1 FREE!

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Contents Uni & You EDITORIAL �� 2 LETTERS TO THE EDS ��3 CONTRIBUTOR SPOTLIGHT �� 5 PREZ DISPENSER ��6 DEAR DOROTHY �� 7 POST-MORTEM POLITICS �� 8 GENERAL SECRETARY ��9 HANDS OFF OUR EDUCATION ��10 WHAT THE HECS IS THIS? ��11 MISTRESS M �� 13 HOWZAT ��14 FOSSIL FUELS �� 15 GRANDMA E �� 16 INNOCENT BYSTANDERS ��18 SAME SAME BUT DIFFERENT ��19 MANAGING TIME & MONEY AT UNI ��20 WIL ANDERSON INTERVIEW ��22 TIPS & HINTS FOR NEWBIES ��24 FRINGE COMEDIAN INTERVIEWS ��26 SURVIVING AN ARTS DEGREE �� 30 FOLLOWING YOUR BLISS ��31 VOX POPS �� 32 ON FULL TIME WORK �� 34 FILM REVIEWS �� 36 CROSSWORD �� 38 BOOK REVIEWS �� 39 FOOD REVIEWS �� 40 GAMES REVIEWS �� 42 MUSIC REVIEWS �� 43 MUSIC INTERVIEW ��44 FICTION ��46 POETRY & PROSE ��48

Editors: Jess Nicole & Flik Schemmer Front cover by Melanie Pal Back cover by Amy Staple Empire Times is a free publication of the Flinders University Student Association. Visit us at facebook.com/empiretimesmag, tweet @empiretimesmag or find us on FUSA.edu.au Empire Times would like to acknowledge the Kaurna people who are the traditional custodians of the land Flinders University is situated on. We would also like to pay our respects to the elders past and present of the Kaurna nation and extend that respect to other Aboriginal peoples. All views expressed by contributors belong to them alone.

[ editorial ]

? JESS

COMING SOON

Hi there! Yes, hello. Welcome! You’re awesome. Yes, you. We’re still talking about you. Do you know why you’re awesome? In picking up this magazine, you have just given your fellow students the opportunity to share their opinions, feelings and creative works with you. Empire Times is in its 41st year and whilst last year’s editors have left incredibly large shoes to fill – I’d say Jimmy Choo’s gypsy suede boots in a size 10 to be specific – we are confident in our role and totally excited to be your editors for 2014. We’re not big scary overlords and even though your first trip to our office might seem like a trek to Mordor, on your second visit (because ‘once you pop you can’t stop’ right?) you’ll be familiar with its location and us, the friendly editors, motioning you inwards to their lair. Wait, no, not lair. Office. Our warm and inviting office. So, I know you’re just itching to know who the hell is behind all this right? Well, here’s me: I’m studying psychology and resent the idea that some people think this equates to reading minds. In my spare time I read zines, upload too many photos of my cat on social media sites and have a longstanding love affair with nachos. It is worth noting that I have green hair (think Captain Planet and the Grinch minus the superpowers and desire to steal Christmas) so you’ll be able to quickly spot me around campus to say hello! Pages of wonder and excitement lie ahead of you: there’s a great set of interviews with Fringe comedians such as Wil Anderson and Cal Wilson, Jesse Gale Barker’s reflection on her time as a first year (helpful to those of you who are new) and how to manage an obsessive hobby while at university. There’s also some inspiring artwork – man, you guys are TALENTED. If there’s anything you should take away from this magazine it’s this: Empire Times is for you. We endeavor to reflect the thoughts, feelings and creativity of Flinders students. Your opinions and creative works are a beacon of light in our otherwise poorly lit office. They not only inspire us, your editors, but other students who would otherwise remain uninvolved.

FLIK

There are no words to describe how I feel right now. None. Here I am, in the long hours of the night to get the last bits of ‘this mag’ to you. I hope you read every word—made of our blood, sweat and tears. I hope this signifies a genuine welcome to you. From the moment I set foot in Adelaide in the first week of January, there wasn’t a point at which I had to spare. For yet another year, [et] had to come alive, much like Frankenstein. All the moving bits had to be assembled with stitches and a bit of Tesla’s magic. Some highlights: My enthusiasm to articulate myself has proliferated with a wider set of vocabulary, as opposed to my atrocious diet of Indo Mie, bananas and soy lattes. That time when Jess answered the phone with such polite courtesy to a private number while she was in the same room with us during a test call to her number to see if the office phone line worked. That fateful heat wave(s) when the lake had been completely drained and the bitumen in carpark one was being laid down. Mordor indeed. Getting a ‘strike’ from Steph Walker. ‘Nuff said. I bet I’ll be getting a strike for that one too. I can feel it in my bones. For those that are new to this: Steph Walker is our media officer who, with her legendary experience with student magazines, glues the pieces of [et] anarchy together piece by piece. The time we when we finally got to our Melbourne accommodation on the night before the student mag conference, NEWS. We walked up to our space and noticed it had a widescreen TV, private en suite with a nice skyscraper view and a…double bed. No twinsies! Turned out it was actually Steph’s pad. Luckily we left a ‘surprise’ in the bathroom before we left. Smooth. Oddly enough, I have already fulfilled one of my covert career goals – to interview Wil Anderson. Apart from the fact that I using a 90s phone that could not operate the speaker and microphone at the same time, I have not been that giddily star struck in a long time! The high doses of love, respect and support from my close friends and family when I feel this relentless, obsessive pressure to complete [et] all the while my overdue assignment is being neglected. Most of all I’ve been deeply touched by all the people that have done their thing to bring [et] together. Jess is a wonderful creature. I certainly couldn’t have done this without her.

Toodles,

I hope you enjoy reading,

Jess

Flik

[ letters to the eds ] Dear Editors,

Editors, Ernest Hemmingway once said: “Write drunk; edit sober.” That is all, Captain Pete Dearest Editors, I’m so nervous about this year. I’ve enrolled myself in compulsory subjects that have oral presentations – this is a total nightmare. Every time I have to do public speaking I feel like my stomach is about to leap out of my throat. Not only is it stressful for me, it’s uncomfortable for the people watching me flounder and break

pire Wishing you the best of luck for Em . Can Times 2014! You guys will be great ar? I you put more colour pages in this ye work really love the illustrations and art they you publish but in black and white d for never look quite as good. I feel ba and the artists who aren’t on the covers scaled have had their contributions gray tter – the beauty of their artwork is be conveyed with colour! Peace, love and hugs, Toni Caporale

Hi Editors,

out in hives.

What the hell is wit h the emp cracked, dr ty lake? It y and tota ’s into. ll lf myse y n gotte unappealin I don’t know what I’ve the ducks! g ! Think of I’m hoping this will be Elijah Fox because, le fixed soon t’s be hone st, it looks li of the moo ke the surfa n or a scene ce from Const antine. Cheers, Want to have your opinion heard? Have a compliment to Anon air? Or a criticism? Whether it’s about uni, politics, your best friend’s dropkick partner, or a new fad, we want to hear from you – and publish you on this page. This is your opportunity to vent and say what you need to say! Shoot an email to empire.times@flinders.edu.au and we’ll publish it – with your full name, nickname or anonymously, it’s up to you!

THANK YOU!

Thank you to all the amazing contributors that helped bring these pages to life for the start of a new year. We appreciate the time and effort that went into your work especially given you were still on holidays when you submitted! If you’re keen to join us for Issue 2, shoot through an email to:

empire.times@flinders.edu.au Or check out our Facebook page: facebook.com/empiretimesmag Writers Brendan Whittaker Charles Chiam Chuang Chao Des Victory Dorian Bašić Emma Sachsse Gemma Beale George Mountzouris Hannah Macleod Holly Richter James Vigus Jesse Gale Barker Laura Telford Lauris Buckley Miranda Richardson Robbie Peschel Sarah Gates Shaun Hobby Simon Collinson Simone Corletto Tamara Babij Tim Walter Tom Gaffney

Artists/Photographers Amy Staple Des Victory Kat Coppock Madeleine Karutz Melanie Pal Rosemary Ellison Charles Chiam Chuang Chao Drew Coffman Thanks to previous editors: Simon Collinson, Sarah Gates, and especially Preesan Pillay for all the awesome design help! Correction: due to a production error, the illustration of Animal Shadows in Vol. 40 Issue 10 was not credited to the talented artist, Amanda Ng. We regret this error.

Keen to be a subbie? How about a regular photographer or illustrator position? Applications can be picked up from the FUSA office, our office, FB or via email - but be quick, the deadline is March 14!

[ contributor spotlight ] Shaun Hobby

1. Tell us about yourself! I’m a Creative Writing major with a taste for expensive messenger bags and chili sauce so hot that you feel like you’ve just lost a bar fight. I ride a single speed bike to uni because I’m a keen cyclist but a lazy mechanic and strictly anti-Lycra. I like my metal black, my yoga hot and will do just about anything for a bourbon and soda. I can usually be found behind the counter at FUSA. 2. What’s the first thing you would do if today were to be your last day? Take a teaspoon of sea-salt with two glasses of water. Then eat two pieces of wholemeal toast and drink a cup of black coffee with a teaspoon of coconut oil. I treat every day like it might be my last, but also like I have something really important to do first thing tomorrow. It’s a bit of a paradox, but it’s worked so far. 3. What’s your vision of a perfect world? I like the idea of living in a world where we are a couple of months away from launching a carbon-neutral, manned

mission to Jupiter. The level of act-getting-together that this would require is kind of staggering; so I guess we’ve got our work cut out for us. It’s just going to be solar panels and hover-boards everywhere. 4. Best/Worst Flinders moment? Worst moment? Reading a creative piece at Speakeasy last November. I had submitted it for assessment but did not have a grade back at the time that I got up and subjected a room full of people to it. The best moment was five minutes after I finished, sat back down and my pulse returned to normal. 5. What do you see yourself doing later in your life? Fantasy version: Globe-trotting, hard-living, ass-kicking correspondent for an outlaw news magazine. I’d like to be the bastard love child of Shane Smith and Amy Goodman. Harsh reality version: Solving information management policy problems in the developing world. I’d like to end up as a scruffy, nomadic filing nerd who cycles around preserving the history of our future.

[ prez dispenser ] This year, I hope FUSA will be able to provide some solid opposition to these plans and successfully campaign to improve student and staff conditions. On March 26, a National Day of Action will be held to fight against cuts to our education. This will include events on campus at Flinders in the lead-up to a demonstration in Adelaide. If we want to save our funding, demonstrations like this will need to be our focus. Medicare Levy The proposed fee on GP visits is the first step in the ending of Medicare and the shift to a US style user-pays health system. Undermining Medicare will severely impact the poor. Since more than one third of students are living under the poverty line, this is an issue to follow in 2014. Rallies to oppose the levy have occurred nationally and will continue to go on until this proposal is dropped. Summer Reading Over the holidays Senator Bernardi stunned the literary world with his groundbreaking book, The Convservative Revolution, sharing his enlightened perspective on LGBTIQ people and women. Unfortunately, due to poverty levels among students, many of you will not be able to purchase this instant classic. For those on a budget, I recommend buying a bag of manure instead. Same content for only a fraction of the price! Seriously though, university should be an inclusive space, with no tolerance for discrimination. Students have enough to worry about!

I’m Grace Hill and I’m this year’s Student Association president. FUSA (Flinders University Student Association) is the association representing Flinders students. It’s our job to look out for your interests and fight for your rights! New students – welcome to Flinders! This year I want to have as much communication with you as possible, so in my first ET column I’ll be giving you an idea of what I’ve been up to between starting work, and the start of semester, and what the big issues for students in 2014 will be. Survival Day January 26 marks the birth of the colonial settler state of Australia and the dispossession of Aboriginal people. It’s my view that student unionists should take a stand on the issue of racism, and participating in Survival Day commemorations is one of my priorities for January. Education Funding Starting uni can be an exciting time, but it’s important to know that you’ve started your study at a time when university students are facing the most serious attacks on their funding and conditions in years. In addition to the $2.3 billion in cuts proposed last year, the current education minister Christopher Pyne, is planning to privatise HECS debt in the future under the Liberal government.

Standing up for refugees The situation of refugees has only worsened over the holiday break. As a member of the Adelaide Refugee Action Group, I’m devoting time at the beginning of this year to speak-outs and rallies in support of the right to seek and enjoy asylum. Networking with activists interstate This year I have been given the opportunity to lead a session on class at the Marxism Conference, Australia’s largest left-wing political conference, attended by many of the most serious activists, artists and unionists from Australia and abroad. The conference happens at Melbourne University over the Easter long weekend. I relish this opportunity to further develop myself as an activist and bring new ideas back to Flinders. So much will happen this year — both happy and challenging. Throughout the year I want to bring issues like these into discussion. I encourage all of you to join FUSA (it’s free, and unionism is our right!) and to get involved in as much of campus life as you possibly can. Please swing by the office or come to our stall at O’Week to meet your 2014 representatives. For now, I wish good luck to new students establishing yourselves on campus and returning students with your continuing study! Grace Hill President, Flinders University Student Association

De a r y h t o r Do Dear Dorothy, I seriously fancy one of my friends. We fool around on the regular but never go on dates or cute stuff like that. It drives me insane knowing he’s probably doing the same with a bunch of other people. How do I get him to consider me as a potential girlfriend rather than just a booty call? Sincerely, FWB Dear FWB, One word: Playaaa. If you want the relationship to be exclusive you need to tell him that. If you don’t make your feelings clear he will continue to act in the same way. Have a chat with him and see how he feels – whether he has ‘dem feels’. There are three outcomes that are likely: he will be totally up for the commitment; he will run for the hills; he will want to continue as is. Be wary of the latter. As you know, things get messy when sex and emotions are involved. Just remember, never settle for less and if less is being a booty call to a guy who doesn’t see you as anything more, then shut that option down.

Dear Dorothy, d am struggling to get along an me ho of t ou d ve mo ly nt ce re I an up after herself, with my housemate. She doesn’t cle e into the night and lat e lum vo l ful on na Xe of s run watches re What can I do? eats my chocolate when I’m out. Dear Frustrated, Sincerely, Frustrated

I’ve been there. You do all the work, tolerate their shitty choice in television or music and even start accommodating for their food theft by buying extra packets of Doritos. Do they pay you back or replace these items? Hell no. The answer? Talk with them: be friendly at first and then graduate to yelling and screaming only if necessary. Outline the dos and don’ts – ‘housemate protocol’ if you will. For example, do watch Xena Warrior Princess, don’t start fangirling by emulating warrior calls at three in the morning. If she doesn’t get her act together you might need to consider moving but keep in mind that nearly every share house has one of those eclectic housemates that you just have to tolerate. 7

Post-Mortem Politics “

Concise sentences, like darts, fly abroad and make impressions, while long discourses are tedious and not regarded. — Frances Bacon.

Liberal, Labor, National, Green, Xenophon Group, Sports Enthusiast, Dignity for Disability, Palmer United, Katter’s Australia Party, Independent, Atheist. Whatever your brand or type of politics, one thing is for certain — 2014 will be a remarkable year filled with scandals and controversies, highs and lows. Looking back at the craziness of 2013, one can sometimes wonder: How on earth did we survive? From budget black holes to fictional Labor leadership spills every other day, and the ALP’s political assassination and destruction of our first female Prime Minister. All while simultaneously destroying any chance ALP had at retaining office, by reinstating Kevin Rudd as leader for the September 7th election just to see him quit politics two weeks later. 2013 saw House divisions, votes of no confidence which hastily turned into drinking games over Twitter. If it wasn’t for all the twerking, backflipping, the breaking of core and noncore election promises, and Peter Beatie’s attempted political rejuvenation, what would we have done for fun?

Senate result for Western Australia will keep the Greens busy arguing the case for Scott Ludlam. On a positive note grassroots democracy was seen in the seat of Indi, with the Independent Cathy McGowan being elected on the back of a fairly unpopular sitting member and a well-run campaign. While it seems that no one in high office can keep a promise to save themselves, new beginnings did seek to keep the year rolling along . In many circumstances, it is a blessing that a new year has presented itself. Finally the voting populace has a chance to see if Good Guy Tony can walk the walk and not just talk the talk. Analysts say that Opposition Leader is one of the worst jobs imaginable. But can Tony, someone who has watched a government fall apart at the seams, recreate the magic that his hero John Winston Howard did for 11 years of leadership? Time will only tell. 2014 will be the start of something new: a fresh Federal Government spreading its governmental wings; an Opposition redefining its voter base; a handful of senators from new parties who avidly study the standing orders for each chamber;

the urgency to find the quickest route to the stationary shop in Parliament House. The 2013 MYEFO (Mid-Year Economic Fiscal Outlook) delivered by Treasurer Joe Hockey suggested we are all in for some hard times ahead. ‘Cut,’ ‘scrap,’ and ‘reduce’ were favoured adjectives by Abbotts’ lefthand man, but the May budget will surely tell the full extent of the budget tightening to come. Having said that, Abbott has set an agenda which includes continued funding for the NDIS (National Disability Insurance Scheme) beefing up the Paid Parental Leave scheme, as well as reforming adoption laws and rulings. We also must not forget the upcoming State Election in March. Will voters decide to instate Liberal leader Steven Marshall, ending the reign of Labor Premier Jay Weatherill? Or will Jay Weatherill be able to overcome the current negative stigma attached to the Labor brand? While State Parliament may not be as juicy or highly spoken about, the election could alter infrastructure plans and spending patterns in the state that must not be ignored. No one said it would be easy, and no one said politics was simple, but with an open mind anything is possible!

◀

2013 will be remembered not so much by what it did (offered a few too many federal pollies/PM’s for what is considered normal), but what it did not do. Legislating marriage equality, attempting to remove carbon pollution controls, defining the true and correct meaning of misogyny, budget surpluses and gender equality are all major issues that Australia did not resolve moving into the new year. Again, three word slogans were a must for all the high-profile, ambitious candidates because apparently no one cares what is said after three words! Furthermore the ongoing scandal with lost votes in the

”

Words by Laura Telford

To students new in 2014, welcome. To returning students, welcome back. I hope 2014 proves to be productive and enjoyable. While everyone’s still fresh and excited about the start of the new academic year, I thought I’d tell you a bit about clubs and societies on campus. Clubs and societies provide more campus culture than any other group at university. They are an excellent way of meeting new people who are getting involved in uni-life. University should be some of the best years of your life. Students shouldn’t come to uni only for class and leave right after their lecture or tutorial. Studying can be stressful, but getting involved on campus with extracurricular activities can improve your overall well-being and positively impact your GPA by helping maintain a balanced life. Clubs and societies create the opportunity to meet new people with similar interests or begin networking in a particular field. Once students have a certain GPA, employers seek out candidates with interests outside of studying such as involvement in clubs and societies, so membership is an excellent thing to have on a resume. Whatever your motivation, clubs and societies can enrich your university experience and/or benefit your future career.

Clubs and Societies Words by Roxy Henshaw General Secretary

Flinders already has a fantastic clubs and societies culture. A diverse range of groups run by dedicated people who meet and share ideas on campus. To get an idea of what Flinders’ current clubs and societies are like and have to offer, head down to the plaza where many of them are running stalls in O’week. Otherwise, go to fusa.edu.au for an on campus list. If Flinders doesn’t currently have a club that meets your needs or interests – why not start a new one? All you need is ten Flinders students on campus who want to join. To help find ten interested people, you may place a club listing on the Flinders University Student Association (FUSA) website. Once you have ten interested students you need to hold an Inaugural General Meeting (IGM), which FUSA can help publ icise to all students. For further information visit FUSA’s website or club handbook. Clubs and societies are an integral part of running FUSA. I recognise the amazing influence they have on campus life, and advocate club facilitation – fostering as much club life as possible. Affiliation between your club/society and FUSA will only benefit your group. Financially affiliated groups are eligible for up to $2,000 worth of grant money per annum. They have access to printing and laminating and use of the online store module to sell merchandise for events (e.g. pub-crawl shirts and tickets). Clubs and societies are able to advertise events on FUSA’s website and social media. They can use FUSA’s club space around campus, book the PA system for events like BBQs, enjoy free DVD hire and much, much more. Non-financially affiliated clubs are eligible for many of the same advantages with the exception of grant money. For more information on anything related to clubs and societies you’re welcome to email me via general.secretary@flinders.edu.au or pop into the building with the big orange FUSA letters on the side.

Cheers, and have a great year!

ABBOTT AND PYNE Get your hands off our education! Words by James Vigus

The shortfall in funding has been supplemented partly by a massive hike in student fees and by the upfront fees paid by international students and a growing number of domestic students, costing tens of thousands of dollars. Whilst those of you ‘lucky’ to receive HECS, you will still end up with a large debt that will take a lifetime of work to fully pay off. While student debt is expected to hit $50 billion by 2016, Education Minister Christopher Pyne, has proposed that the government is going to privatise this debt. Private finance firms seek to maximise profit by various conditions such as increasing repayment interest rates, so those of you with a HECS debt could be in for a harder time. There are two main aspects to the higher education cuts. Firstly, $900 million is getting ripped out of the core operating grant to universities; a cut being sold to us as an ‘efficiency dividend.’ This funding is crucial since it goes directly to the number of subjects offered, staffing levels and class sizes. The second aspect of the cuts is the $1.2 billion cut from ‘Start-up Scholarships,’ when they are converted to loans. These scholarships consist of a once-off payment of $1025 at the start of semester to all students receiving Centrelink — ostensibly to assist

with upfront expenses like textbooks. Studies by have shown there is a high level of university students who live below the poverty line. The reality for many students is to use their scholarships on basic essentials such as rent or food. The government is claiming that the cuts are due to the funding model that is ‘not sustainable.’ However in comparison, much more is spent via the Department of Defence who ADF who receive over $24 billion annually. A recent Oxfam report shows the World’s richest 85 individuals have the same wealth as the poorest 3.5 billion. If the government was serious about funding education to endorse a skilled workforce, they would recognise these funds are sorely needed not only for students, but also for endorsing the future of business. Check out page 12 for more more details.

" What

can I do? Join the campaign to stop these cuts.

The Abbott government is planning to cut $2.3 billion from higher education funding. At Flinders, the cut will be over $20 million. Australian universities receive one of the lowest proportions of government funding as a percentage of GDP of all the OECD countries, ranking 25 out of 29. In the 1980s, many of those sitting in Parliament received a free education, yet in 2011 government funding was reduced down to 42 per cent.

What the HECS is this? Words by Jesse Gale Barker

" Another sixty seconds passed as time continued her stately march. Notebooks were now being produced, hands stroking unconsciously at their covers.

The crush of first years waited anxiously outside the door to North Theatre 4. It was 9.57am and our first ever university lecture, ‘Introduction to International Relations’, was due to start in three minutes. Second and third year students lounged against the closest wall, watching the jostling first years with amused smiles. In the preceding ten minutes before the crush developed at the door, I saw a number of students arrive complete with textbook and reader. A solid lump formed in my gut. I didn’t remember any email telling us to bring these things. As the minutes galloped past, my heart rate steadily increased and my throat tightened. The tension was palpable as another minute ticked by, thoughts previously simmering in our heads leaping to the forefront of our minds: Is this the right place? The right time? Oh God, did I enrol properly? People shot fugitive glances at their timetables and watches. Some took out their enrolment guides as if to use them as proof, in case roving academics challenged their eligibility. Another sixty seconds passed as time continued her stately march. Notebooks were now being produced, hands stroking unconsciously at their covers. Panicked glances were shared as we took slight comfort in the idea that we could not all be wrong. We shuffled closer and closer to the door, politely ribbing each other with elbows and shoulders before a wry exclamation halted our shambolic advance. “Standing on ceremony are we?” The lecturer stood behind us, amusement written on her face at our failure to play it cool. Once inside the lecture theatre, we scrambled for seats, close enough to the front to be seen as attentive and engaged, but far enough back to capture the image of the chilled, laid back tertiary student stereotype ingrained in us by an excess of American comingof-age/college movies. That caricature was broken when our lecturer began to speak and en masse, pens at the ready; we began to transcribe her remarks.

centre – almost had a panic attack when la profesora began to direct comments to her, rather than directing them at the air above our heads. She squirmed uncomfortably for a hellishly long second before darting shock-filled glances either side of her to see if there was someone to help. Seemingly sympathetic looks, but ultimately ones of morose delectation, greeted her dreadfilled gaze as the rest of us offered silent but sincere prayers to the gods responsible for students. Fortunately, the teacher switched to English before the young woman broke down. After the class we gathered around the poor student, murmuring sympathetic noises at her, each of us secretly grateful that it wasn’t us. The Spanish crew, as we took to calling ourselves, have been the closest and longest standing friends I have had throughout my time at Flinders. It helped that a number of us were studying a Bachelor of International Relations and thus shared several lectures and tutorials. These sorts of relationships are important to cultivate at uni. After the initial highs wear off and the familiar drag of study sets in, oftentimes the only thing making it bearable are those making the journey with you. Whether you are frantically cramming before a language test or pop quiz in the library, or commiserating over a Fair Trade coffee or herbal tea (Flinders, so hip right now!), without these sorts of friends you’ll miss out on the most essential part of university life. So, some quick tips: a well-organised timetable is the easiest way to avoid unnecessary stress. Make sure you visit Flinders before your classes actually start so you know where they are. Finally, be consistent and neat with your note taking, whether it’s on a device or with a pen and paper. Nothing is worse than wasting time before an exam because your notes are scattered across several different books or word documents. Also, don’t feed the ducks. They bite. ▲

Eclipsing the terror of the ‘on-time lecturer’ was our Spanish teacher, who took a fiendish delight in opening our first class by speaking nothing but fluent Spanish, forever bonding the class through shared trauma. One classmate – foolishly sitting front and

Sex Ed With Mistress M: STDS Okay, so you ignored all my good advice to make sure that you are always carrying and using protection. Or you didn’t ignore me but the condom fell off, broke or disappeared. Or you can’t remember if you used one because you ignored my other bit of advice about not having sex when you are out of it. Or even worse, you didn’t want to spoil the moment by talking about protection. Either way, you should now be on the lookout for Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) or Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs).

end up with a blood test that says you are fine because they only checked your vitamin D and iron levels, not for HIV or syphilis. Symptoms that should make you concerned: Pus, from anywhere – the end of your penis or sores on your vagina. Pain, of any kind – during urinatination or sex. Pain in your genitals is bad.

Except that you can’t be on the lookout for them because lots of them are asymptomatic. This means you won’t have any clue they are there and that you are carrying and possibly passing them on. The damage may not show up straight away but it can still affect you and/or your sexual partners. Gonorrhoea and chlamydia are just two that won’t necessarily alert you to their presence, but can do some real damage.

Swollen bits – unless you are aroused your genitals should not be swollen. Smells, any nasty or unusual smells – healthy genitals don’t smell bad. Discharge, any discharge that is an odd colour – green, yellow or pink.

So if you have been having unprotected sex please get to a doctor for testing right away. Even if you have been having protected sex, you need to understand that it isn’t 100% safe and you can still catch diseases. In some cases the dental dam or the condom doesn’t cover the entire area. For instance, herpes isn’t always conveniently on the bits that get covered and there can also be transmission just before and just after the sore erupts. Not all herpes sufferers know this.

Flu-like symptoms – joint pain, lethargy, fever, headaches.

Catching an STD does not mean you are dirty, slutty or being punished for having fun. You don’t feel that way if you catch a cold or the flu do you? Nor does it mean the person who gave it to you is a bad person - they may not have known and may not have been checked or understood the risks they were taking with your health. If so, you may now feel free to educate them.

Rashes – nasty, itchy, flaky. Why wouldn’t you get this fixed?

One website gave the advice that, to avoid catching an STD, just stick to masturbation. No, not mutual, solo. While that can be fun, it isn’t realistic to expect that we are all going to abstain from having sex with other people forever. What we can do is be informed and aware when we are having sex. We can get tested and encourage others to do the same. A diagnosis of any STD feels hideous, embarrassing and sex-life ending, but it isn’t. We have to accept that they are part of life and that being aware, getting the correct treatment and maybe some counselling is better than living in ignorance and potentially harming others. You will eventually feel normal and have a sex life again.

Blisters, even if there was a lot of rubbing, this is a bad sign.

Pregnancy – you should definitely see a doctor if you have this symptom. Remember, there is no shame in catching a sexually transmitted disease, only in not getting diagnosed and passing it on. As always, love yourself, touch yourself and be good to each other. Yours,

Mistress M

Sometimes there will be symptoms that you will not be able to ignore and, once again, get over your embarrassment and get to a GP straight away. We have great doctors who bulk bill right here on campus - doctors who have not known you since you were a child and will not judge you. Go see one, ask for a full screening for STDs. Unless you specify that you want to be tested for STDs you may just

Howzat?!

Women’s cricket: have we dropped the catch?

Now that the Ashes journey has finished and we’ve sent the poms packing (5-0 you beauty!), we’ll fill the rest of the summer watching some one-dayers and even the odd Twenty20 for its similarity to real cricket (enthusiasts will understand). But am I missing something? Surely the country is only made up of one gender that plays sport? Oh no, wait! Women exist. And they can run. And jump. Oh, and I guess they can bowl and bat too? But that must mean that there is some sort of Australian women’s cricket team? Well, I’m here to tell you – it does. Why haven’t I heard of them? They must be rubbish or something. Oh, what’s that? They’re bloody amazing and almost always dominate? Well, I’m stunned. With full coverage of the men’s Ashes shown on free to air TV, my Twitter feed clogged up with live scores and commentary, and sports news capping off the highlights every night of the tests, you’d think Channel Nine’s Wide World of Sports would be showing the women’s tests – but you’d be wrong. This world of sports isn’t quite wide enough to feature women. Disappointingly, despite an increasing push for full coverage of the women’s team, Channel Nine will be broadcasting just three T20 women’s games – not the test and none of the one-day internationals There are many reasons given for the difference in popularity of men’s and

If you’re a cricket tragic like me, you would’ve been caught up in the emotional journey called The Ashes over the summer, where true Australian heroes are made. As Australians, we’re not too fond of lawyers, not trusting of bankers, we love to hate pollies, but we can always get around our sporting legends.

A lack of talent from women players is a point I refuse to believe. Overwhelmingly, the ability to have the game broadcast has to be the biggest factor. This is no egg and chicken argument. It’s horse and cart.

women’s sports. Money is a key factor. The average female cricketers pocket around $50,000 a year, with the top players earning up to $80,000. For them, cricket isn’t their day job. Many of the young women are also studying at university. This is compared to male cricketers earning a minimum retainer of $160,000, with the captain Michael Clarke earning an estimated $6 million. Ellyse Perry is a stand out in the Southern Stars cricket team. If you don’t know her, google, please! She’s a 23-yearold all-rounder, leading the way in wickets and runs equally. Oh, and in her spare time she also plays soccer for Australia. Like, are you serious?! A lack of talent from women players is a point I refuse to believe. Overwhelmingly, the ability to have the game broadcast has to be the biggest factor. This is no egg and chicken argument. It’s horse and cart. First comes broadcasting, then comes popularity. The interest in women tennis players skyrocketed when the women’s tennis was given about even airtime and it continues to be featured just as prominently today. So, come on Aussies, what’s the worst that can happen? Do I think that the sport isn’t shown because the players are women? Yes. But above all, like thousands across the nation, my heart beats a little faster when I hear the sound of leather on willow; I put in my leave form to work as soon as test dates are released and nothing else in the entire

world matters when an Aussie is on a hat trick. So I want more cricket. Every match. Every minute. The rest of the country wants it too. So please Channel Nine, next year pause those reruns of Big Bang Theory we’ve all seen hundreds of times and show us some real entertainment. ▲

Words by Hannah MacLeod

Drugs,

and how to take them. Wise words from Grandma E

In a word, carefully. I am not naïve enough to think that if I wrote an article telling you that drugs are bad “m’kay” and that if you already intended to take drugs, you wouldn’t. Or, that if you already take them you would, after my wise words of wisdom gleaned from years of experience, both of highs and lows, then finally stop. Your first response would be, “Well, you tried them and you seem to have survived okay.” And you would be right, I turned out okay. Yet I am also very lucky. Not all of my friends were quite so lucky. But boy did we have some fun before we had to deal with the consequences. First of all, I want to say the drugs just aren’t the same as they were in my day. They really aren’t. Back in the olden days, we grew our own dope or knew someone who did and it wasn’t this super strong stuff you get nowadays. Seriously, I had a hit of someone’s bong a few years ago and instead of getting high and having a giggle at South Park, I lay on a couch for two hours wishing desperately for a cup of tea, only there was no way of asking for one, let alone making one. I am not surprised that it is known to trigger psychotic episodes in those who are predisposed to them. This is possibly due, in part, to the levels of THC that are now much higher than the CBD levels that are said to have anti-psychotic properties. I may enjoy gardening but this is not my area of expertise so you may wish to inform yourself further about the strains you choose to smoke.

As for ecstasy, well it was fun, rare and good. It was not the ‘norm’ to take it. You certainly didn’t need to take a lot to feel like the entire world was your best friend and that the sunrise was the most beautiful thing you had ever felt. Yes, felt. It was an amazing and lovely drug that, taken with care and some good friends and enough water and chewing gum, would be ecstatic. But then it changed: it became more in demand, more expensive and more dangerous. Not the MDMA itself - that was still fine - but the drugs sold as ecstasy were now made from just about anything. They had unpredictable effects on each individualparticularly because of all the cut price chemicals and substitutions, anything from heroin, to speed, to coke, to Special K(horse tranquilliser) and hallucinogens all mixed up together with some household chemicals, anything to make a pill and make some money. You were lucky if the disco biscuits you had forked out 80 bucks for only had chalk and brick dust in them. Then there were those of us who took too much MDMA for too long and found out about the other side effects of messing with your serotonin. This led to ‘Suicide Tuesday.’ Unfortunately for some of us who were prone to depression, ‘Suicide Tuesday’ stretched out to ‘Suicide February’ or ‘Suicide 1994.’ Oh and if you don’t chew gum, your dentist may think you grind your teeth at night. Well, you do, but you just happen to be awake when you do it. They can repair the damage for as little as $2000 dollars.

Now, back in the olden days we also had this stuff called speed where we paid $25 dollars a gram. We would rack it up and snort it with our friends and go out talking and talking and dancing and talking and walking and sometimes a bit more walking and talking. Oh, and smoking endless cigarettes. I am sure I don’t have to tell you how ridiculous and useless the drug nicotine is. But I digress, back to the amphetamines. What is around now is ice and it is nasty, addictive, expensive and not as easy to share with a large group. Just don’t go there, smoking ice will just end up in you stealing your friends light globes and looking like something the cat dragged in. LSD is something I missed out on. That was, believe it or not, before my time. However, we did have acid or trips but they were more likely to be bromo-DMA: a much more mild hallucinogen. They were fun and giggly and unlikely to end in a “bad trip.” However, some of my friends managed to get hold of LSD and one had a bad trip that, to this day, he will have incapacitating flash backs to. There are other drugs that I don’t intend to try until I am in a nursing home, for instance, heroin. I have seen the incredibly devastating effects of this drug on people’s lives and in truth (at least in the short term), their personality. There is nothing interesting about talking to someone who has had a hit. There is nothing nice about being ripped off by your junkie mate. And there is nothing good about going to the funeral of someone who gave up many years ago only to find the

" The image I have chosen to draw is that of a friend of mine, an amazing 40-something creativetype, who b etween his child and his work finds little time to socialise. This is one of my favourite party memories; late in the afternoon said friend took an E, and spent the next few hours utterly absorbed in the wonder that was our crochet rug, exploring the mind-blowing colours, textures, and weave of the differing wool making up the blanket in between puns, hugs, and giggles. It is important to be cautious about the chemicals one chooses to put in ones body, but just as important to let go of the fear, and never lose your sense of wonder. — Kat

" Illustr at ion by kat Co p pock

Hepatitis they caught from a shared needle which meant they would die at 42. I figure when I am in a nursing home, no one will care if I am nodding off mid conversation and spending my allowance on drugs.

Make sure you have enough water or gum or food and credit on your phone and do not mix too many drugs together. Even alcohol and caffeine can change the effects of other substances, so be mindful.

I won’t talk about cocaine because this is a student magazine and quite frankly you shouldn’t be able to afford it. What does it make you feel like, you ask? More cocaine.

If you are going to take drugs, try and make it a worthwhile, interesting bonding experience and not an exercise in getting as wasted and damaged as possible.

So my advice is: if you are going to do drugs, be careful. Do not buy them from people you do not know. Take them with good friends who you trust. Take them in safe places. Take them where you have access to safe transport or a safe place to rest, to chill out or to freak out.

You should also understand you are taking a risk every time you take illicit drugs as you never can be sure what exactly you are putting into your body and what the short or long term effects will be.

Please be sure you listen and follow the kind words of Grandma E. You will find that you can kindly look after yourself and your friends by informing yourself on what you are taking and the risks involved. You will give your friends on ecstasy excellent rush massages and your friends on acid fun freak-outs. Most of all, respect your mind and body by staying safe.

Cheery bye for now my dears,

Grandma E

Innocent Bystanders: Armed with Camera Phones

We have become a culture of bystanders. Not so much out of apathy, or at least, I don’t believe it’s the main reason. More so, we are silenced by fear of retribution by some drug, alcohol or anger fuelled maniac. With more and more reports of people being king hit — killed with just the one punch — the reality of street danger is shoved in our faces with every passing day. On Australia Day last year I was on a tram where a man was yelling profanities and abuse at another man, presumably a ‘friend.’ The shouting got louder as two other people joined in the fight, all travelling together. A man sitting opposite me leaned to the woman across from him and said something along the lines of “Can’t they keep it to themselves?” He rolled his eyes. This woman turned out to be the mother of someone involved in the argument. She started stringing together the worst language I’ve ever heard and when the man next to me tried to intervene, tell her the other man was “just joking around — he didn’t mean any offence,” she went after him and his eleven-year-old daughter. No eleven-yearold should be the subject of such verbal aggression. Not only did that man feel sorry he ever intervened, but so did the rest of us. Finally she turned away. We got almost three minutes of silence, enough for two teenage girls to get onto the tram and take the spare seats opposite this woman — the same seats everyone else had vacated in preference for the other end of the tram. She opened her mouth again, to inform the girl that her (quite reasonable length) skirt was

Not only do we have the bystander effect and mob mentality; we now have camera phones to capture every moment.

“so f***** short you could f***** see her c***” and that she was a “f****** s****,” oh, and that the woman would bash the girl’s “f***** c*** in.” Since once wasn’t enough, she repeated it a couple of times. The security “couldn’t do anything about the swearing; she hadn’t actually hurt anyone.” The offender in this example was a woman in her late forties or early fifties. If she tried to physically assault anyone, pretty much everyone around her could’ve taken her in a fight. But there is tremendous pressure to behave in socially appropriate ways — so much so that it becomes instinct. Would it have been rude to yell back, to have raised your voice even? Yes. So we didn’t. It is certainly against correct conduct to get into a brawl, even if it is in defence of another. So how hard must it be to face an actual threat to life? How hard would it be to stop a group bashing on Hindley Street or an abusive relationship like the famous case of Kitty Genovese, where 38 witnesses stood by as she was murdered? When it’s that many people, there is also a diffusion of responsibility. Why should I intervene? I have no relevant experience or skills to defend or save another person; that guy is bigger than I, or that woman has medical training — they should step forward. Often there is no time for discussion or hard thinking; it’s a split second decision. Do I pull over or do I keep driving? What if you get it wrong? What if the crying child isn’t actually lost, and taking them to ‘safety’ is akin to kidnapping? What if there’s no domestic violence and it’s actually a

heated argument between spouses who would never harm each other? What if the argument is winding down and your interference sets them off again, or worsens the situation? It’s hard. But situations like these have seemed to worsen. Not only do we have the bystander effect and mob mentality; we now have camera phones to capture every moment. People can do more (or less) by not just standing back and watching, but raising their phones to record the event. I would argue that it’s more damaging than doing literally nothing. We now have plenty of videos scattered across the internet, showing victim after victim’s violent or tragic demise. Then there are a dozen more, showing psychological experiments in which actors are attacked or suffer a medical emergency in a crowded environment, mostly without aid from bystanders. This type of research suggests that you are more likely to receive help from a single person than a larger number of people. With trends like these, every time I go to the city at night or catch public transport it feels like a risk. So how do we make the streets safer? More police? 3 A.M.lockouts? I don’t know. But something is seriously wrong with our culture here. Firstly, that violence is relatively commonplace and secondly that we can’t expect intervention from our fellow human beings. ▲

Words by Sarah Gates

Same Same but Different Why I’ve had to make countless dishes of fish amok and green mango salad to get me through this beautiful Australian summer. Words by Holly Richter

I miss my Cambodian friends. I spent a blissful month in Siem Reap in December volunteering with young Khmer people just like me. There’s something about working and living over there, being both anonymous and accountable, that was comfortable yet challenging. Being gently thrust into the juxtaposition that exemplifies third world countries was liberating. Every moment made me catch my breath; every corner we’d turn I’d have to adjust my thinking. There wasn’t an easy day but every day was exceptional. When you live amongst locals and share their life you truly gain an understanding of what’s important. I found myself grinning ear to ear at the smallest of exchanges like holding hands in the customary manner, feeling a universal energy surge between our palms. I felt happier than I’ve ever been. Perhaps this was because all the usual labels assigned to me were cast off the moment I stepped on the plane; perhaps because Cambodians are as friendly and welcoming as their reputation decrees or because the food tastes so bloody good. Whatever the reason - and believe me, I spent many afternoons ruminating over just what it could be that makes this place so special - I’ve already made the commitment to return at the end of this year.

more human rights violated. Still, this isn’t a politics article. So instead of chewing your ear off about the fact that Cambodia is the 2nd most corrupt and 10th poorest country in the world, or that Phnom Penh is the 6th least liveable city on earth, I’m just going to tell you about two of my mates. Two fairly normal Khmer brothers, both of whom I miss dearly.

However, there is a curse at the heart of this country. I don’t need to tell you about the conflict of the last forty years to make it clear that they are pushing shit uphill and, without international aid and tireless work from volunteers, this country will see further atrocities committed with only

Diep* is his younger brother. Diep is an amazing young man; only 20 and already married with a beautiful one-year-old boy. The story of how he met his wife is hilarious: he rang her phone one day and after realising it was the wrong number he struck

Thi* is 23 years old; we would hang out most days on the way to school or for lunch afterwards. He’s currently a tuk tuk driver; however, he wants to be a tour guide but feels he needs to be realistic about his prospects. Thi is fascinating: he is full of passion, ambition and quiet resolve. He also has a keen political mind and is quite vocal about the disgrace that is the Cambodian government. Alcoholism is a huge problem amongst male Khmer. Like many of his peers, Thi used to go out most nights drinking however he, unlike me, doesn’t get hangovers! (If only!) He lamented the fact that he would spend up to $10 a night on drinks, more than what he would have earned that day. Now he’s more disciplined and only goes out once a month or so. His favourite haunt is the local karaoke nightclub. Cambodians love karaoke and will spend the entire night singing gleefully (with the beer flowing of course!).

up a conversation and scored a date! Diep’s English is not as strong as Thi’s; he doesn’t go to school because he works 7am-6pm plus overtime each night. He’s also a tuk tuk driver and would like to be a teacher but knows at this stage he must work instead. “So, I love my job! I like to work.” This smiling acceptance of his reality is so inspiring. Unlike Thi, he doesn’t like partying or being drunk. Besides, he doesn’t have the money to spend on alcohol when there are hungry mouths at home! The Ponheary Ly Foundation (PLF) is where I volunteered. The PLF gives these guys the opportunity for decent wages, English school and a safe environment. The core work of the foundation is supporting primary school students (over 2,500 at last count!). Still, it’s nice to know those my own age have a fighting chance at starting a life they can be proud of. I can’t wait to get back and see them. ▲

Recommended reading: www.theplf.org, Cambodia’s Curse by Joel Brinkley. *names changed

OH NO ! YOU ' R E A T UNI AN D YOU ' R E ST I LL OBSESS E D WI TH T H E PO KEMA N S . A brief note on managing your time and money at uni.

Face it kid, you’re obsessed. You’re an addict. And that’s all well and good – addiction is a noble profession. However, a new problem arises – you’re at uni. You have other demands on your time. All those lessons and tutorials, and worse yet, you actually have to do a lot of the work under your own aegis. ZOUNDS. So I guess it becomes a matter of priorities. I mean, obviously you can’t put aside your addiction for the sake of your academic career. Let’s not waste time with the ridiculous. You have an obsessive tendency. You are damn well going to make time for that. So what are you options? A big part of managing your time is going to be related to cost. I’m going to make an assumption that your funds aren’t limitless – unless your obsession is horse rearing or collecting solid gold cars, in which case your problems are beyond the scope to address in this article (also, I hate you). So let’s just assume you’re a regular student here. Obviously living costs are important (remember, you need to be alive to indulge your obsession), and when you factor in rent, transport, food etc, you’re probably not going to have a lot left over. So what can you do? If your obsession is something like chewing paper, that’s probably easy to squeeze into a budget – but if you like books, films, or video games, even minor expenses can pile up. For this kind of thing, I’d suggest buying everything online – there are numerous stores that give great deals on these products. Also, don’t be afraid to buy second hand. That’s fairly obvious. Also I’m pretty sure you’re going to pirate stuff. Fine. Whatever. You can work on your karma later.

One advantage about uni is that unless your obsession is something like, say,

only eating the eggs of the Komodo dragon – then it’s likely you’re going to find other people on campus who share your obsession! Put up posters, create a club, just talk loudly about whatever it is you like in class, and eventually you’ll probably bump into a like-minded person. They’ll be useful and they might give you further access to your obsession and open doors for you that you had never considered before, feeding your sick habit. You’ll start to feel more like a normal citizen and less like a freak with an unhealthy attachment. This is an illusion – you are still a freak with an unhealthy attachment, but that’s okay, because now these feelings are normalised for you. A clever person will actually partition their time, sensibly dividing their attention between their work and their hobby. You’re probably not that clever. However (and this is something you may not want to hear), there may be long stretches of time where you simply cannot justify your indulgence. I would recommend that this is actually beneficial in the long run – you’ll learn to corral that tendency, maybe even make it work for you as an incentive (e.g. If I finish this fifth essay, I’ll finally allow myself to watch the first quarter of the latest David Fincher film! Hooray!). So get to know your mind, understand its innerworkings, and push yourself into a state of guilt-trip hyper anxiety before you even look at your dog-eared copy of Storm of Swords. Of course, even if you can balance this work/obsession where you are able to give the appearance of being a functional human being – be aware that this will probably go out the window when/if you end up hooking up with a partner. At that point, your only option is to let go of your tight grip on the hobby that has kept you warm on those long, lonely nights at sea. Or, convert your significant other. Personally, I always preferred the way of the hermit, but I’m a bitter old crank. So, if you don’t want to end up like me, perhaps work on being a well-rounded homo sapiens who can actually deal with having a degree, a life and a secret. Or look for some other interests. I guess what I mean is – your priorities are eventually going to shift. And that’s okay. There’s a little piece of your heart that will be forever obsessed with Pokemon Slash fiction – you’ll just fill it with other things too. ▲

Words by Brendan Whittaker

com ic by ma dele ine ka rutz

Will you join the Wiluminati? An interview with Wil Anderson Q & A by Flik Schemmer You studied Journalism at the University of Canberra, what did university teach you? To enjoy learning for the sake of learning. The things that I took from the university degree in particular were the capacity to set yourself a task and complete it and also the joy of just wanting to learn about something and discover information about things. These are the main things for me that I take into my comedy career. Because obviously, with being a stand up comedian no one ever heckles you with, “Show us your degree!” They just want you to be funny. What kind of shenanigans did you get up to as a student? Oh, shenanigans! I do remember on the first night I went to university it was Orientation Week and I was living at the residences on campus. I remember we were drinking reasonably, you know, heavily that day… and I fell over into a bush! All I remember is waking up the next morning in my bed in my room and I don’t know how I got there. I think someone must have got me back because I still had my boots and hat on, but I was lying in bed. And I thought, “Well, either this uni has magical bushes, or this is going to be a cool place where people will look after you and get you home when you’re drunk.” But I’ve got to be honest – I worked full time at the same time as studying full time. So I didn’t have too much time on my hands for shenanigans. Your podcasts have been very popular with over 50,000 subscribers. Why did you start podcasting? The reason why I did it in the first place was just for fun. My friend Charlie and I just thought it would be nice to have an excuse to get together once a week and talk shit and have a laugh n’ stuff like that. I’m

a big believer in creativity for the sake of creativity. For me, it’s been a great international calling card. I did the LA Podcast Festival last year and we were the first international podcast that ever happened at this festival. My show was completely sold out on the day. These are people who don’t know what the Glass House, Gruen Transfer, or what Triple J is. None of these things! I’d be out on the road in Minneapolis, Minnesota of all places (in the snow) and there was a guy in the front row at this gig wearing a TOFOP t-shirt and I’m like, “What the fuck is going on?” This little tiny shitty show that I record on a $300 piece of equipment that I do while drunk out the back of the house has been this thing that has gone around the world. I was lucky enough that iTunes named it their best podcast of the year. What do you think makes them so successful? I’ve got no fucking idea! I think that what I respond to in other podcasts is honesty. Some things you can only talk about in an hour – where you can genuinely explain

nuance, revel in grey area and have a conversation in a way no other media can. So often in our modern day society all issues are presented as black, or white. You listen to breakfast radio and you’ve gotta be either, “I hate Justin Beiber!” or “I love Justin Beiber!” It’s either the end of the world or saving the world. You’re on the left or the right. I’m more of the opinion that life is really various shades of grey. Not Fifty Shades of Grey, that’s a whole different thing. Is there anything you can reveal about the next Gruen Transfer? No, no there’s not. Definitely can’t reveal anything at this stage. What can I reveal that would be exciting? No I can’t tell you that! Look, the thing about Gruen is that we only ever come back if we think there’s something that we have to say that is more interesting than what we said last time. We’re not a show that makes a show for the sake of a show. It’s all our second job.

James Fosdike, who is based in Adelaide, has been illustrating a few of your posters for a while. How did you get to know him? How do you collaborate with James? So this is a great story for anyone who’s interested. People always ask me, “How do you get involved in comedy?” The best way I can honestly say is to find things that you like, and offer to do them for free. And then you make your work so invaluable to that workplace that they will need to employ you. When I first started doing stand up, I did gigs for free. And I still do free gigs. I’m doing a free gig tonight. James listened to the podcast when he was illustrating and started doing free art for podcasts that he liked. So Charlie and I would be doing TOFOP and he sent us some free art, and then sent us more. So when we went to do our website (and if you want to check it out: topfop.com) he did the last supper with all the characters that come up in the podcast. It’s stunning. Basically, what I like to do, is give people the idea. I genuinely leave it to him so he can be as creative as he wants to be. If you believe in them…back them!

He’s just done a new one for Wiluminati. And it’s fucking amazing. There’s about 10 jokes inside the poster that I didn’t even see! It’s this big crowd: one side of the street is my L.A. life and the other side is the Australian life. And he’s got all sorts of followers bringing these (not sacrifices) I mean…they’re bringing me little gifts. And they are all real people! James suggested this to me. So, we have 100 fans send in their photos and James’ has drawn them all, but with my haircut. And I understand that’s not something that everyone would want to do, but for some people that’s a cool thing. Tell us about your stand up show at Fringe. It’s a brand new show. Adelaide always tends to get my new show because Adelaide Fringe is usually the first part of the tour. As always, it’s about 65 minutes of the funniest shit I can think of, said in a row. I am dedicating 2014 to my stand up, so I have been working pretty hard on this one for the last couple of months to get it right for Fringe. It started with a series of fully improvised trial shows at the Sydney

Comedy Store where I did eight different shows. This year I am trying to combine my regular writing process with the experience of ‘writing on stage’ to try and go into areas that I haven’t talked about before. Is there anything you’d like to do in your spare time while you’re here? I have been coming to the Adelaide Fringe for about 18 years now – it really is a magical time to be in the city. I just love soaking up the food, wine and atmosphere of the party that Adelaide puts on during that time. That and hanging out with my mates to all hours at the Rhino Room. ▲ Wil Anderson will be doing standup at Adelaide Fringe at the Garden of Unearthly Delights from 3–16 March.

To the newbies

Tips and hints for surviving first year!

OK, so you’re new and you’re probably shitting your pants. It’s your first time here and Flinders University’s campus is a big one. The first few weeks will be a stressful surreal blur, but an exciting one I promise you. You will most likely be late for lectures, laugh at inappropriate times, walk into the wrong tutorial, eat a lot of Subway, make new friends, get lost and maybe (but hopefully not) cry. You will mourn the simplicity of high school, that gap year you took, the paid work, the break between degrees etc…basically whatever you were doing before this. However, you will be welcomed into a university life that offers support, social connections and self-improvement so much so that you will forget you were ever freaking out.

A general rule: Be yourself. University is not only an opportunity to learn, form meaningful friendships and add stability to your life but it is also an environment in which to express yourself. You should also be open. Openness will allow you to discover more and will help you experience new and exciting things. The fact that you went to O’week (assuming you did!) and reading this means you have shown an interest in your new study location and hopefully did not just bypass the rest of the stalls to get your student ID.

Now onto a list of places you should know about: The Plaza This is where it’s ‘at’ in O’week. During the semester the plaza will normally be covered in flyers (look at these for upcoming events, sale items and news) and a few stalls will pop up here and there throughout the week. There’s usually food trucks which is a relatively new thing so be prepared for people to still be excited about this year.

The Library The library is your friend. It has computers and air con and coffee. Oh, and books. Duh. There are also DVDs, scanning and photocopying facilities, couches, desks…all the usual good stuff.

the

block: The Social Sciences North (SSN for short) courtyard and corridors: You’ll get lost here. While it’s fun to be Alice in Wonderland for a while you may want to rock up to your lecture rather than the Madhatter’s tea party: try to familiarise yourself with the area and places you need to be before you need to be there.

The News Agency and Post Office: These are located on either side of the pharmacy. The News Agency is handy for most stationary, university merchandise, cards, small gifts, food and drink while the Post Office sells all the normal post stuff, bus tickets, some small electronics, random knickknacks and you can withdraw cash here.

The Pharmacy: Scripts, pharmaceutical advice, makeup, personal hygiene items etc..it’s a bit smaller than most but provides all these necessities.

Blue Duck Café: They’re always open early so if you’re as addicted to caffeine as your editors are, you’ll get to see the familiar faces and foods. Be nice to these guys and any shop around the campus for that matter because, hey, they give us our student discounts you’ll come to value throughout the year.

The Coopers Bar: Whether you’ve finished for the day, having a sneaky drink in between classes, hanging out playing pool or wanting somewhere comfortable and populated to sit while you study, the Coopers Bar is pure awesomeness. If you’re feeling particularly sentimental in your first year you can even get a photo in the photo booth with your mates. You’ve proabbly still got a billion questions but take a careful look at the map, take some time to navgiate and if you have any questions - feel free to ask!

ts a h c s s e J to:

Fringe

Cal Wilson

Justin Hamilton

Coming from New Zealand, do you resent the fact that now you’re successful Australia claims you as our own?

In your blog post about a recent mishap regarding accommodation in Hobart you mention that even when you’re dating someone, you much prefer to sleep alone – what’s up with that?

Not at all, I mean, I live here. But don’t tell New Zealand that (that I don’t mind being claimed AND that I live here - they think I’m just out getting milk) . What’s the most memorable heckle you’ve heard? I walked onstage once, and before I’d had a chance to say more than “Good evening Ladies and Gentle—”a guy yelled out “Get off and put your mother on.” I still don’t know what that means, but it annoyed me, so I said “Is that what you say to your wife?” The rest of the audience went nuts, but he didn’t love me. What advice would you give to a student aspiring to be a comedian? You will make almost as much money as a comedian as you do as a student. Serious advice? Write all the time, see as much comedy as you can and don’t give yourself a rhyming stage name . First word that comes to mind when I say: Adelaide: The Ben Folds song ‘Adelaide.’ Which is now stuck in my head. Thanks.   Miley Cyrus: Tongue-centric. Swag: Swagman. Billabong. Jumbuck. Now I’ve got “Waltzing Matilda” going round my head. Are you doing this deliberately?  Snapchat: Is that the new version of MySpace?

This is definitely the most bizarre opening question I have ever received. Well played. My job has no ongoing schedule so sometimes I won’t return home until 1am and sometimes I have to be up at 5am. When you have a bed to yourself you don’t have to feel the responsibility of accidentally waking someone up. I can walk around slamming pots together, play loud music or just mimic Al Pacino in “Scent of a Woman” before I go to bed without being in the doghouse. Your show claims to have you as consistent factor in the stories of “a declaration etched in concrete, a suicide bomber in Afghanistan and a dinner party from Hell” – should we be concerned or intrigued? If I can live through all of this and turn it into comedy you have nothing to worry about. To be honest the dinner party story is much more confronting than Afghanistan but only because some of the people at the party will undoubtedly see this show. If I weren’t a comedian I’d be working as… ...spy for ASIO. I’m still up for that job if they need an undercover comedian to save the nation.

Luke McGregor The title of your latest show says that your soul mate is out of your league – what league are you in? Whatever the lowest one is I guess. I’m really worried that I’ll meet ‘the one’ and she won’t be keen. My friend said, “if she’s not keen, than she’s not the one,” which is also possible. It’s also possible that there’s no such thing as ‘the one’. Whatever the case is, I need to stop overthinking everything and leave the house more. What are your thoughts on internet dating? I’m not great at it. I was on Tinder - where you just get a photo of each other’s face and you have to click ‘like’ or ‘dislike’. I got a match with a girl who had a photo of her and her dog. I thought it would be funny to message her “how much for the dog?” She never wrote back. If she had sent back a price I probably would have bought the dog to avoid embarrassment. If I weren’t a comedian I’d be working as… A doctor, but I’d be rubbish. The main reason I wanted to be a doctor was so I could pull pranks on patients - like when they woke up from say, having their appendix out, I’d say, “Replacing your lower body with robot legs was a success.”

Comedians Sam Simmons

Tom Ballard

What’s the most surprising thing you miss about Australia?

Your Facebook photo is of you wearing an Australian flag body stocking – should we feel patriotic or scared?

I love our country but our politics says something so sinister and racist right now, it’s embarrassing. What’s happening right now with border security is fucking barbaric. But yeah I miss good pubs, Vietnamese food and Melbourne bitter too. At the 2013 Melbourne International Comedy Festival you wore a t-shirt with adorable kittens on it – do you have a soft spot for felines? I’m defo a cats man but I love all animals. My faves include Pangolins, Okapi, Slow Lorises and Vampire deer. Look them up! They are incredible. Has anything catastrophic ever happened from interacting with the audience? I once made love to a large Greek family on a picnic blanket at the beach…hang on. Yes, I was once wrestled off stage and fell two meters onto my back with a 120kg guy on top of me. First word that comes to mind when I say: Adelaide:

Party

Miley Cyrus:

Sorry

Swag:

Billabong

Snapchat:

Fuck off

I was hoping you’d feel more ‘sexually awakened’ than anything. Or perhaps confused - I’m sure lots of people have had a double take and checked to see if it was me or Cathy Freeman in the picture. We have very similar body types. What is your show ‘UnAustralian(ish)’ about? It’s about a holiday I went on in 1995 when my family and I drove halfway around the country. It’s also a look at my relationship with this funny ol’ place called Australia (aka “Straya”). It’s about patriotism and national identity and racism and there’ll probably be a Tony Abbott joke or two in there.

Tom Gleeson What should we expect from your upcoming show at the Adelaide Fringe? I’m going to be ripping into Tony Abbott at length. I also place myself under extreme scrutiny as well. Chances are there will be hecklers. I’ll be destroying their self-esteem too. What is the scariest experience you’ve had during a stand-up show? Last year at the Fringe I thought an audience member had died. A woman collapsed and was carried out of the venue like a rag doll. For the rest of the show I told the audience I would finish the show on the presumption that she wasn’t dead. Then we heard a siren outside. We finally got word just before the end of the show that she fainted. The audience seemed disappointed.

Have you noticed he has quite large ears? That’s funny, I don’t care what anyone says.

First word that comes to mind when I say:

In your short film you uploaded earlier this month, you make out with iPhone’s Siri – what did this feel like?

Adelaide:

Booze

Miley Cyrus:

Booze

Swag:

Booze

Snapchat:

Penis

It felt pretty gross and metallic-y. We had to do a lot of takes and I kept grossing everyone out by making sucking sounds and groaning. First word that comes to mind when I say: Adelaide:

Punchline

Miley Cyrus:

Wallflower

Swag:

YOLO

Snapchat:

SnapGrindr

Think these guys are funny? Check out their Fringe gig details over the page

Compass ion Rosema ry Ell ison 28

comedy Comedian CAL WILSON IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME

Dates Fri 14 – Sun 23 Feb (no show Mon 17 Feb)

gig Time 7.45pm

guide Location

Ticket Prices

Garden of Unearthly Delights The Idolize Spiegeltent

Fri / Sat All Tix $35 Full $33 / Conc $30 Preview 14 – 18 Feb $23

Garden of Unearthly Delights The Vagabond

All Tix $40

CHARLIE PICKERING

Sat 15 & Sun 16 March

5.30pm

DAVE HUGHES POINTLESS

Fri 14 Feb – Sun 16 Mar (no show 17 Feb, 3 Mar & 1 Mar)

8.15pm

Garden of Unearthly Delights Umbrella Revolution

Fri / Sat All Tix $43 Full $35 / Conc $30 Preview 14 – 19 Feb $28

DENISE SCOTT MOTHER BARE

Tue 18 – Sun 23 February

8.30pm

The Arts Theatre 53 Angas St, Adelaide

Fri / Sat All Tix $40 Full $35 / Conc $30 Preview 18 – 19 Feb $26

FRANK WOODLEY FOOL’S GOLD

Tue 18 – Sun 23 February

7.00pm

The Arts Theatre 53 Angas St, Adelaide

Fri / Sat All Tix $40 Full $35 / Conc $30 Preview 18 – 19 Feb $26

HANNAH GADSBY THE EXHIBITIONIST

Sat 22 & Sun 23 Feb / Sat 1 & Sun 2 March

5.00pm

Garden of Unearthly Delights The Deluxe

Full $33 Preview 22 – 23 Feb $28

8.15pm

Garden of Unearthly Delights The Spare Room

Fri / Sat All Tix $33 Full $30 / Conc $28 Previews 3 – 5 Mar $20

8.15pm

Garden of Unearthly Delights The Spare Room

Fri / Sat All Tix $30 Full $25 / Conc $20 Preview 14 – 16 Feb $20

Fri 28 Feb – Sun 2 Mar

9.00pm

The Arts Theatre 53 Angas St, Adelaide

Fri / Sat All Tix $40 Full $35 / Conc $30

Mon 24 Feb – Sun 16 Mar

7.45pm

Garden of Unearthly Delights The Idolize Spiegeltent

Fri / Sat All Tix $40 Full $30 / Conc $27 Preview 24 – 27 Feb $25

Tue 11 – Sat 15 Mar

8.30pm

The Rhino Room Upstairs 13 Frome St, Adelaide

Fri / Sat All Tix $30 Full $27 / Conc $25 Preview 11 – 12 Mar $20

TOM BALLARD UNAUSTRALIAN(ISH)

Fri 14 Feb – Sun 2 Mar (no show Mon 17 Feb or Sat 1 Mar)

9.30pm

Garden of Unearthly Delights Le Cascadeur

Fri / Sat All Tix $30 Full $27 / Conc $25 Preview 14 – 16 Feb $20

TOM GLEESON QUALITY

Fri 14 Feb – Sun 2 Mar (no show Mon 17 Feb)

8.20pm

Garden of Unearthly Delights The Vagabond

Fri / Sat All Tix $43 Full $35 / Conc $30 Previews 14 - 16 Feb $28

WIL ANDERSON WILUMINATI

Mon 3 – Sun 16 March

8.20pm

Garden of Unearthly Delight The Vagabond

Fri / Sat All Tix $45 Full $40 Previews 3 – 6 Mar $33

JUSTIN HAMILTON JOHNNY LOVES MARY Mon 3 – Sun 16 March FOREVER 1994 LUKE MCGREGOR MY SOUL MATE IS OUT Fri 14 Feb – Sun 2 Mar OF MY LEAGUE (no show Mon 17 Feb) PETER HELLIAR TOTES GROUSEBALLS

SAM SIMMONS DEATH OF A SAILS-MAN SARAH KENDALL TOUCHDOWN

FOR BOOKINGS: www.adelaidefringe.com.au or 1300 621 255 29

Surviving an Arts Degree. If you’re just starting an arts degree, you’re probably super excited and a little bit scared. This is more appropriate than you may realise, just to be all ominous there. While you will learn a lot and meet some amazing people, it will be exhausting to the point of you forgetting sometimes how to enjoy it. Towards the end of a degree people start asking each other, “When do you get out?” as if uni is a prison sentence. Arts degrees are all funzies and whatnot, but they kind of sometimes break people. In a writing degree at least, as I can say from experience, you’ll learn so much theory that you will reach a point when you feel you cannot mark the page without doing something wrong. No first line encompasses your whole story. Adjectives are desperate, fearful, guilty pleasures. All of the words are clichés. You are paralysed. Sadly, the most studious kids seem to be the ones who experience this the most. Assuming you want to do the course and you complete all the required work, it’s pretty easy to pass but super hard to excel. There isn’t really a prescribed way of making good art, so there are a lot more variables in grading art than anything else. If you care a whole lot about high distinctions you should prepare yourself for a few surprises. Ultimately you should care about learning, but not too much about

your grades in an arts degree. They’re not going to check out your GPA before offering you a publishing contract or an acting role. So if you always remember that, you can focus more on topics that will lead you closer to your goals or that you have never tried. If there’s something you want to practice that isn’t a part of the course, ask about it. Just don’t confuse what uni wants with what you’re really aiming for – if you’re not interested in academic research, worry less about essays and put your heart somewhere that will be more productive for you. Or if you want to get into academia, get extra help with essays and ask lecturers about possible career paths. Don’t forget that uni offers more than just course work; it offers a community. One of the biggest advantages about doing a degree is working with people who will be in the same industry as you. You’re going to learn to take criticism like never before. This is especially significant in the creative writing degree because we have topics in which the entire class edits a student’s work. But if someone sees enough potential in your work to spend hours writing devastating amounts of notes on it, that’s something only to be appreciated. When people say your art needs improvement, they’re not saying you as a person need improvement. Once the work is done, it is no longer a part of you, and it shouldn’t hurt if people cut it up. You should join in with the cutting. It can be fun. And finally, make sure you look after your health and happiness as a higher priority than your grades. Get enough sleep and food and water and sunlight and chill time. If you’re a nerd like me who hurries home to work after class, postpone that for a bit and just be on campus for a while. Our campus is beautiful, and you’ll regret it if you don’t stop to enjoy just being a uni student here. Resting is a necessary part of your job. As much as your arts degree will be hard work and may temporarily break your spirit, your predominant excitement is still appropriate. Doing an arts degree is worth it; you’ll learn way faster under specialised tutelage than when you’re bumbling around on your own. You’ll also meet like-minded people and, perhaps for the first time, feel like you belong among your peers. You will also come out of your course smarter, stronger, and a better artist by far – you’ve just got to survive it. ▲

Words by Miranda Richardson

p hotogr a p hy by drew coffma n 30

Following Your Bliss: An open letter on being in the wrong place at the right time

If anyone were to ask me what the best pieces of advice I never received were, this would have been close to the top of the list: “If you’re in the wrong course, get out.” Not ‘out’ altogether: we like you, you’re fun to have around, but you’re in the wrong place. In fact, it’s the kind of thing I probably would have written on a piece of card and looked at from time to time. That card would be smudged from over-handling and probably have a circular deformation roughly the same size as a pint glass on it. Another of those lost nuggets of advice would be: “Before you do anything rash, grab somebody whose opinion you trust and buy them a beer.” Universities are, in my humble opinion, places where people come to get the tools to become better versions of themselves than they otherwise might have been. They’re not here to simply fill your head with the instruction set that will let your hands do the work that will buy your first house in the suburbs. If you choose your degree based upon the findings of an article on skills shortages, or because it seems like a good pathway to a secure job, any secure job, then there is a chance that you will be one of the ~14-18% of students who have pulled the plug on their university education. It’s easy to realise that you’ve made a mistake, what’s sometimes harder is to go through the process of correcting it. I was a year into Computer Science when I looked out at the remainder of my topics and realised that I had exactly zero interest in any of the content that loomed before me. I quickly discovered that you’re usually the

Words by Shaun Hobby

last to realise that the fire has gone out of your eyes. The people teaching you have a pretty keen sense of who is staying and who is going. For the most part, they understand that they have an interest in helping you get where you need to be. So, I dropped out. At the time, it was the best move I could have made. I took a short detour and picked up some vocational qualifications that served me very well while I figured out what I wanted to do. When I finally did, I jumped in head first. I was going to be the best high school English teacher the world had ever seen. Hell, I was going to redefine that job to the point that I was going to demand final say on who played me in the movie of my life.

that their transcripts may suggest they are. On the contrary, they’re the people with the self-awareness and intestinal fortitude to follow their dreams. There’s plenty of time to worry about the consequences when you’re busy getting up every morning and doing something you love. Or, at the very least, knowing that the path that got you to where you are was the right one for you. ▲

Then, as my first practical approached, it dawned upon me that the last thing in the world I wanted to do was spend the rest of my working life in a room with a bunch of high school students. I was freaking the freak out. What was I going to do? So much of my identity had become wrapped up in being one of Flinders University’s future teachers, but deep down I knew I couldn’t stay. I also knew that one of the reasons I was going to teach English was so that I could continue writing on the side. However, recycling Macbeth for the fiftieth term in a row wasn’t going to make me a better writer. I’m now one semester away from finishing my Creative Writing major and could not be happier with my decision. One of the best parts of being a refugee from a degree that wasn’t for you is meeting all the other people that have gone through the same experience. They’re not the indecisive flakes

KAtie

Kristiana

Degree: PHD

Degree: Mechanical Engineering

Degree: Civil Engineering

What the hell are you here for given that uni hasn’t started yet?

I’m a Widening Participation Project Officer in the Student Access Unit. I work via Inspire Mentoring with students and communities in regional and country areas.

Summer Semester – trying to get ahead by completing units before semester one starts.

Hoping that an attempt of studying will save my arse from failing.

How are you going to survive the heat wave? Going to Maslin Beach. How do you plan to stop sweating all over your friends? Deodorant! What’s the worst pickup like you’ve ever heard? “You’re beautiful” – glass in hand. What’s the best memory you have from previous O’weeks? Seeing an arts performance, many years ago. There were two artists who’d set up a stage: one was a tamer (on a dirt bike) and the female was a leopard. They did a number of daring tricks. Awesome! What is the best advice you would give to a new student? Use the services on offer to the max. Make a community work for you. What is a secret skill even your friends don’t know about? It’s a secret!

How are you going to survive the heat wave? Staying indoors with the airconditioner on. How do you plan to stop sweating all over your friends? I don’t. I may provide them with pegs for their noses, but they better not sit to close! What’s the worst pickup like you’ve ever heard? Some joke about a polar bear followed by, “Well it broke the ice didn’t it?” Sure it broke the ice but I ended up thinking he was an idiot. What’s the best memory you have from previous O’weeks? Playing Daytona with my ten-year-old old nephew. Beating small children makes me feel skilled! What is the best advice you would give to a new student? Find out where the nearest coffee shop is – there’s more around than you think.

TIM

How are you going to survive the heat wave? Doing as little as possible. How do you plan to stop sweating all over your friends? Self-seclusion by playing COD (Call Of Duty). What’s the worst pickup like you’ve ever heard? “That’s a great dress you have but it would look even better on my bedroom floor.” What’s the best memory you have from previous O’weeks? COD. What is the best advice you would give to a new student? Pick something easier than Engineering. What is a secret skill even your friends don’t know about? Can’t tell, it’s a secret.

VOX

Scott

POPS

James

Eleni

Degree: Bachelor of Robotic Engineering.

Degree: Bachelor of Creative Arts (Digital Media).

Degree: Bachelor of Business (Marketing)

What the hell are you here for given that uni hasn’t started yet? Sucker for punishment and aircon!

What the hell are you here for given that uni hasn’t started yet? I live on campus. Also, free internet and sunbathing.

What the hell are you here for given that uni hasn’t started yet? Summer School (shoot me!)

How are you going to survive the heat wave?

How are you going to survive the heat wave? Swimming at Morialta Falls and drinking.

Remain indoors. I’m too white for this! How do you plan to stop sweating all over your friends? Rexona is the only antiperspirant that works. What’s the worst pickup like you’ve ever heard? “Show us where you p*** from!” You can use your imagination. What’s the best memory you have from previous O’weeks? A box, that is, a whole box of free Cornettos. What is the best advice you would give to a new student? Flirt with the cafeteria staff. The rewards never end. What is a secret skill even your friends don’t know about? I can successfully run a town in Simcity.

How are you going to survive the heat wave? Stay indoors and drink lots of water.

How do you plan to stop sweating all over your friends? I don’t.

How do you plan to stop sweating all over your friends? Stay far away from them.

What’s the worst pickup like you’ve ever heard? “I wish you were my homework so I could do you all night on my desk.”

What’s the worst pickup like you’ve ever heard? “Is it hot in here or is it you?”

What’s the best memory you have from previous O’weeks? Free photobooth!!!! What is the best advice you would give to a new student? Proofread and beware the ducks. What is a secret skill even your friends don’t know about? My ability to avoid t-shirts.

What’s the best memory you have from previous O’weeks? Nothing. Can’t remember last week. What is the best advice you would give to a new student? Do all your work, attend lectures. What is a secret skill even your friends don’t know about? I can belly dance.

But that fades away pretty quickly and all of a sudden you’re staring out your window at the adjacent parking lot longingly. Office jobs are dull. Within the last year, I’ve worked full time for a service I was proud of, a person I thought was okay and for an organisation I thought would be better. The job with the least work to do gave me a glass office by the markets, a gold cab charge card and an extra $20, 000. The job with the most to do gave me a desk and two pin boards that didn’t hold pins. All three jobs had nice managers who were reasonable people that didn’t mind if you came in a bit late or left a bit early if you did what you had to do. Two of whom had watched as their organisations slowly imploded for no good reason. Each featured people who refused to share information, because information is power. And one featured person who spoke through and around me with a consistency that made me question my own existence. Some days work felt like a social experiment. How long will someone sit in a glass box just because they’re being paid to sit there? No more than 7 months, in some cases only 3.

On Full Time Work.

The back of the doors in all three adult women’s toilets had a sign that told you to flush the toilet, put your tampons in the bins provided and wash your hands. Frequently it was clear that these directions had not been followed.

Words by Gemma Beale

There’s only so many times quickly and accurately transcribing a speech or successfully processing an applicant seems like a win. 8:30am quickly became 9:07am then 9:20am. A colleague shows that you can do your own writing if you imbed it in an email with a professional looking header. But it doesn’t matter; it’s been months since you’ve thought a new thought the whole way through.

I was made to feel exceptional because I did things like respond to emails on the day I got them and fill the paper draw when the printer was out. And herein lays the key to being horrendously employable: competence. You don’t need to go out of your way, you don’t need to stay late or get in early. You just have to do your job right most of the time. Know how to spell check? Tick. Can sus out a printer if you’re left alone with it for 10 or so minutes? Tick. Can tell the difference between an urgent matter and a minor chore? My god girl, you’re hired! And on good days the time passes pretty quickly – you only need two coffees and you joke with the good workmates about the duds. But on bad days walking to get coffee seems too much. Why bother? You’ll just have to come back.

Soon enough your friends stop watching your Snapchats because they’re all sad faces and blurry videos of two monitors. At first it seems great. You’ve got your own office, you’ve perfected your email signature and at 4:59pm you log out. You’re done. No more crying in the library over vending machine dinners for you – time to go to the pub where you can now afford your favourite whiskey in seemingly infinite quantities. You make friends with the barista you buy your coffee from every morning and some days they give you a free cannoli. When your boyfriend suggests a road trip - you’re in! You can afford that shit now (even if you can’t drive). Let’s go to that winery, let’s do bottle of wine rounds, we’re kings! No one can stop me, I spent $350 on sheets for god sake, let’s have a shot!

Staff members quit and are never replaced. Then you quit. A crippling sense of social obligation means you give 8 weeks’ notice but it doesn’t matter, they don’t start interviewing until your last week. The HR manager seems surprised when you put together a hand over document and it seems as though you have a full-time’s worth of work to do. How on earth is the next person going to take on some of her role? It’s full of people who spend at least 36 hours a week in one place when they’d rather be somewhere else. And when you get home you don’t want to pay much attention to the news. You stop having interesting things to say so social interactions

" Suffice to say I’ve retreated back to uni. The ‘real world’ sucks.

become almost wholly based on large quantities of that whiskey I mentioned earlier or of 3 course meals that feature quail and a steak you’re led to believe is fancier than other steaks. It’s important to note that mostly I feel like a privileged shit for complaining about a job that paid me enough to start paying back my HECS in an air-conditioned room. This last year allowed

me a taste of King Lyf, yes, but more importantly it was the first year I didn’t have to ask Mum to ‘transfer me $20 until pay day’. Nor did I find myself stress-crying in the Level 7 toilets in Napier (Adelaide Uni) about unstarted essays due last week.And the service would have been ok if someone had just given it that extra $20,000 I was being paid to sit in a glass box. The organisation might have been ok if all of the General Managers were replaced with the reasonable people working below them and, probably, that person would have been ok if society was different. ▲

s at isf ied? kat co p pock 35

Film Reviews A

merican Hustle is Director David O. Russell’s latest Oscar Nominated film for ‘Best Picture’, featuring an all-star cast including Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. Set in the late 1970s, the film is about Irving Rosenfeld, a con man who includes his lover Sydney Prosser, into his world of crime. However, they are soon busted by FBI agent Richie DiMaso who promises, on the condition of co-operating and bringing down other big players in Rosenfeld’s field by working undercover, a reduced sentence for the couple. From here we are taken on a journey through the big, colourful, glamorous and dirty world of the 70s. This film finds its strengths in several core components, which all come together to make one of the most convincing period films of the modern era. They work so well in fact that you can easily forget that the people in this film are from the year 2013, and that this is indeed a modern film. The brilliant characters, created by David O. Russell, are the heart of this film and make American Hustle an entertaining story and great 70s picture. The characters are written faithfully - as true people of the era. In each character, David O. Russell was able to brilliantly capture the attitude, personality, and style that represent the 1970s. However, these characters could not have sprung to life the way they did on screen if not for the truly majestic performances of the actors. Each perfectly represented the tormented and complex nature of their characters, and the time in which they lived. If the characters are the ‘heart’ of the picture, then the music and art direction are the very soul of the film. Both the score from Danny Elfman and the soundtrack of 70s music are used perfectly to add to the style of the film, but also to further pull the audience into the blistering world of the 1970s. Such hits as ‘Live and Let Die,’ ‘The Jean Genie,’ ‘Dirty Work,’ and ‘How Can You Mend A Broken Heart’ were all great fits for the film, and were flawlessly utilised to accompany every scene, and to elevate the viewing experience for the audience. It is evident from this film that David O. Russell knows how to utilise music in his films - and in this one in particular - the music and the way it was used was very reminiscent of Martin Scorsese’s music work, particularly in Goodfellas.

The costumes and sets are the finishing ingredients to this picture. Art director Jesse Rosenthal and costume designer Michael Wilkinson beautifully use their craft to recreate the look of the 1970s and it looks wonderful. As a result of the art direction and the costumes, the images on screen look great, and provide an ideal groundwork for David O. Russell to work on. The music, costumes and sets all add to the honesty and authenticity of the film’s depiction of the era. As an audience member, it feels as though have truly stepped into the 1970s and you gain an understanding of the world these characters live in. Overall I feel that this film suffers from some story, plot and pacing issues that slightly drag the film down. But it is in five key aspects - the brilliant characters, the actors’ performances, the music, set decoration, and costume design - that this film finds its flair and driving force. It makes for a fun, exciting and ultimately wonderful film that stands as one of David O. Russell’s best and one of the best movies of the year.

Words by George Mountzouris

Spotlight: The Name of the game T

he average movie-goer is often wrongly regarded as lacking intelligence by his well-travelled peers. The feeling is mutual, and those who dabble in arthouse or foreign film are stuck with the label of being pretentious, trading the outside world for overly indulgent trips into fiction. This stigma attached to films outside the mainstream is a common, and well-ingrained trope in the consciousness of the Anglosphere. It permeates through stereotypes perpetuated in social and creative contexts —and rightly so. To paraphrase Harold Bloom, having the aptitude to appreciate aesthetic works doesn’t add anything towards a person’s betterment. There are those whose elitism, necessary to distinguish good movies from the bad, has warped their familiarity with the medium into a means to score points towards their social status, and separate themselves from the ‘uneducated masses.’ It is because of this, self-appointed ‘priestly’ class, many people are put off, say, when they hear the well-worn phrase ‘French film.’ It’s this group whose influence the honest viewer must detach (along with all their ascribed traits) from the atypical genres; to be able to travel outside the slick, tightly run ship of commercial cinema. One French director comes to mind as a perfect transition; training wheels that give the regular viewer the courage to travel off the beaten track. ‘Crime,’ its colourful depiction, is the forte of Jean-Pierre Melville. As a Parisian Jew, he adopted the name ‘Melville’ from his favourite American author whilst fighting in the French Resistance. It was telling of the mutual exchange of influence in his relationship with American artists that was soon to come. It is also precisely why his films communicate so well with modern Anglo audiences, being similar in style and substance to entice them into further exploration of world cinema. Bob le Flambeur (1956), Le Samouraï (1967) and Le Cercle Rouge (1970) are the said ‘training wheels.’ In this period, Melville produced a number of Neo-Noir titles whose traces can be seen in the ‘canon’ of Hollywood crime and heist related action films. It goes without saying that they are the successors to the Noir phase of the 1940s. Bob le Flambeur and Le Cercle Rouge are archetypal heist movies. They are a charismatic rogue’s gallery of swindlers and street-thugs who band together to pull off thefts that would attract enough ‘heat’ to melt iron. The two movies have the classic genre roles— the bold ringleader, the backer, the kid and the brains. Any newcomer taking this step during their journey into foreign film will be delighted to find themselves surrounded by familiar faces. The ripples made by Le Samouraï are equally as far-reaching and trope-codifying. The film

revolves around a handsome, stoic hitman. His looks, the piercing blue eyes and strong jaw, his demeanour and expertise are almost ‘Driveresque.’ The central characters of all three films are anti-heroes, and the forerunners to many other leading personalities in the genre. So too is the tragic element of their tales, as expected. Living a life of crime - a common theme throughout mainstream cinema. The clicking of carefully polished shoes, soundtracks nostalgic of an era long gone and the old-timey class of these criminals all give Melville’s Noir films a touch of character which isn’t easy to forget. His Neo-Noir films are the perfect lateral move for viewers to delve further into the depths of cinema. The importance of dialogue over action is especially welcoming to the many fans of Tarantino style thrillers.

Words by Dorian Bašić

Complete the crossword and send a picture of your answers to stephanie.walker@flinders.edu.au to WIN one of ten free double passes to Palace Nova!

ACROSS 3. Skinhead youth in England 1983  5. Coming of age drama starring Emma Watson 9. David Bowie’s crotch 10. A guy says “yes” to everything 13 . Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker 14. Extra terrestrial chest burst 15. Remote that fast-forwards and rewinds  life 16. Parker-Hulme murder case 17. Recent American-German war drama 19. George Clooney shoots Brad Pitt in the head 22. Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box 23. Worst sex scenes ever starring Tommy  Wiseau 26. Studio Ghibli fairytale 28. A father kidnaps and tortures the man he  suspects has abducted his daughter 29. Directed and starring Zac Braff 32. A woman is imprisoned and tortured by  being repeatedly beaten and skinned 33. Wes Anderson film 34. Hugh Grant makes friends with an  awkward 12-year-old boy 35. French new wave bloodbath

DOWN 1. Kat Winslet has her memories of a  relationship erased 2 . Woody Allen as a neurotic New York  comedian 4 . You smell like a baby prostitute 5. Young teen finds herself in the body of an  older man 6. Scarlett Johansson falls in love in Tokyo 7. Based on Augesten Burroughs’ 2002  memoir 8. Shibby! 11. Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson and Rachel Korine in bikinis with guns 12. Jared Leto as a drug addict 18. A writer brutally murders and buries his victims under a corn field 20. Love at first sight through a fish tank 21. A young borderline woman spends time in  a psychiatric hospital 24. Johnny Knoxville turns 86 25. An insomniac uses his imagination to get  through his late night shifts at a  supermarket 27. I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school 30. Woman gives birth to a child created using  the DNA of her dead soul mate 31. Sandra Bullock lost in space

Book

The Seven Sisters Margaret Drabble

I Am Malala

Malala Yousafzai with Christina Lamb

Words by Simon Collinson

Words by Charles Chiam Chuang Chao

As far as narrators of novels go, it is probably fair to say that older women are under-represented, and that when they are present, they tend to function as a historical prop, or a foil for younger characters. The Seven Sisters, the fifteenth of eighteen novels from Margaret Drabble, celebrity writer of the 1960s and estranged sister of A.S. Byatt, goes some way towards redressing this imbalance.

Some books, I have a hard time reading. Mostly it’s due to me being confused by the chain of events described in the book. This book, however, proved to be the opposite. The reason I had a difficult time reading I Am Malala is because I understood exactly what was being told, and what I knew made me feel helpless.

The book’s hero, Candida Wilton, is a divorcee living alone in London. The plot revolves around Candida’s acquaintance with a group of six women, most of whom she meets through a Virgil study group, and the trip to Italy they embark on after Candida comes into a moderate sum of money. The Seven Sisters contains a number of pleasantly surprising twists, but they come rather late in the day. In fact, by compressing the bulk of the narrative action into the book’s final third, The Seven Sisters upsets readers’ sense of balance, and leaves us with a strange sense of unease. However, this is not really a novel about plot: it is an exploration of tone and personality. Drabble’s is a voice subtly unlike anything else I’ve experienced in English language fiction. She perfectly ventriloquises the uncomfortable class hang-ups and genteel racism of some older Londoners; so much so, in fact, that I had trouble dissociating Drabble’s personality from that of her character, and only realised her true skill when the narration abruptly shifts tone late in the book – much in the same way one struggles to disentangle Roth’s voice from those of his lecherous old men. Just one example: She is holding aloft a placard saying WELCOME VIRGIL TOUR in large bold black letters. The undiscussed but latent problem of whether she is guide or courier, and whether or not she will expect to be treated as a social equal, is solved at once, on first sight. For here is a lady if ever there was one. Indeed, The Seven Sisters is as much about relationships – between man and woman, between person and place, but most of all, between woman and woman. On this subject, it has much to say of interest. You may find yourself recalling sections of this strange, undogmatic novel weeks later: my relationship with it, at least, has been an unusual one. Margaret Drabble will speak at Writers’ Week on March 1 at March 2 at the Pioneer Women’s Memorial Gardens. Free Event. Disclosure: Simon Collinson is an Adelaide Writers’ Week employee.

Malala tells her life’s story from her constant campaigning for girls’ rights to education, to when she was shot and brought to England for emergency treatment. Despite England’s technological and social advancement (for which she owes her life to), she missed her home, Swat Valley, very much. In recollection, she speaks of Swat’s natural beauty, despite the many problems that plagued the valley’s residents. According to her people’s traditional saying: No Pashtun leaves his land of his own sweet will. Either he leaves from poverty or he leaves for love. Malala is a proud fighter, and a very fortunate daughter. In a society that prizes sons, Malala’s parents love her as much as they do her brothers. It is only after reading that I realised that before Taliban’s rise to power, women had freedom and those who opposed girls’ education as ‘un-Islamic’ were loud but ultimately harmless. Despite the oppression, there were decent people who helped and support Malala. Her stories of her friends with their silly squabbles and competitive streak showed me that there is more than one Malala needing care. The book got harder for me to read as I advanced through the chapters. The hardship that Swat’s residents face due to political incompetence and militant violence is heart breaking. I had to put the book down for a while before I could resume reading. I remember thinking, what is the point of knowing all this, when all it tells you is how useless and helpless it is to help make things better for these people? Malala’s answer came once I finished the book: “if we believe in something greater than our lives, then our voices will only multiply even if we are dead.” The idea that instead of feeling helpless and stopping there, follow your convictions and have faith, whether this be in a greater power or in your abilities that you can make the world a better place. This is what I learnt from Malala Yousafzai – “the girl who fought for education.” Find out more at www.malalafund.org or join the conversation at facebook.com/MalalaFund and @MalalaFund

FOOD

Hola Homre Words by Lauris Buckley and Robbie Peschel

Following Little Miss Mexico opening in early 2013 there have been an influx of Mexican restaurants opening their doors to the Mexican-loving public of Adelaide. There are so many different types of eateries that brand themselves as ‘Mexican’, from Subway-style to classic, and even some places that scream Latin America. We gave a couple of different places a try and cooked our own style at home as a comparison. Speedy Gonzales We hit up Holy Guacamoly (yes that’s how it is spelt) on Norwood Parade. You might be surprised at how expensive the menu is, especially when you get your food, and that’s without paying an extra $1.50 for guacamole. We opted for tacos, choosing both soft and hard shells with a variety of fillings. We couldn’t tell the difference between the lamb, beef, chicken or vegetarian, which was very weird. If lukewarm guessthe-protein tacos are your thing, this is the place for you! The mango sauce was delicious though; sweet and spicy, it added some flavour to the otherwise bland and disappointing snack. The slushes are good; refreshing, acidy and a little different, not just an average frozen soda. It will be interesting to see how long this place lasts given the explosion of similar places around. Salsas has been around for a little while now, with a few dotted around Adelaide including Marion Shopping Centre and Glenelg. Their burritos are made fresh to order, which does make a difference as they’re always hot and never soggy. The menu suggestions don’t always hit the spot; no Mexican would accept ranch sauce instead of sour cream. However, they are very obliging with fussy and demanding orders. Their loyalty program offers deals, which is of particular interest to costconscious uni students. Auténtico Cantinas Ever had the $7 nachos from Flinders One? A cardboard box of rubbery clumps of cheese and sad looking tortilla chips. You’ve probably heard the rumours of the fantastic Mexican conveniently down

the road. Well, the rumours are true! Lucky Lupitas is well hidden but that hasn’t seemed to stop anyone from eating there. In the uni holidays, we rocked up on a Wednesday lunch and people were waiting for tables. We were flummoxed by the friendly service including the chef and the décor was rustically authentic, inviting and quirky. The menu wasn’t overwhelming, but everything sounded delicious, making it hard to choose. We settled upon nachos that were generous, especially given the reasonable price of $14. Just a tip - try not to drool when surrounding tables receive their orders. The food was fresh, vibrant and full of spice and flavour. You won’t be disappointed if you make the trip from the plaza but beware, you can’t book a table and the food is made daily until it runs out. Although Little Miss Mexico is more of a bar rather than an eatery, this doesn’t stop the food from being irresistible. When the weather is good and you want to catch up with some friends over some cervezas, this is the perfect place. Taco Tuesdays has three tacos for $15. Albeit being on the small side, they were moreish and full of traditional flavours. You’re not going to get your bang for buck with the drinks, but if you want to treat yourself to a jam jar (how trendy) of freshly made margarita, go for it. Mi Casa We know what your bank balance will look like right now - Christmas and New Year have been and gone and you’re about to spend a few hundred on textbooks for the new semester. We spent a grand total of $15 on ingredients that fed four people, and the results were surprisingly good. If you’re the kind of cook that burns toast, even you won’t have a problem finding an easy taco recipe on the web, although they can range in difficulty. Why not try making your own tortillas? They are super cheap to make, only take a little time and the awesome results will see the compliments flowing. Don’t be afraid to try out some new places this year – Adelaide’s food industry is finally booming in creativity. We wish you a year of academic success and good food!

FOOD

Giant Bibimbap on the Riverbank Words and photography by Charles Chiam Chuang Chao

They say that ‘food’ is the best Malaysians’ unofficial national pastime. If that is the case, it’s a cultural stereotype I willingly embrace. So when the Adelaide Food and Wine Festival organises a weekly culinary “adventure for your stomach’s pleasure” at The Blue Hive on Adelaide Riverbank, I was as eager as the Central Lake ducks when they follow people dropping food scraps on the ground at the plaza. Located between the river and the Adelaide Festival Centre, that Sunday had great weather for great food. The food prepared is the bibimbap, a signature Korean dish thats name literally means “mixed rice.” Simply put, it is a rice dish mixed with various marinated vegetables, garnished with fresh garden salad. Apart from the main attraction, there was also a coffee van, a henna stand, and stalls of various local wines and cider.

I attended on an empty stomach, a decision that allowed me to savour the food even more. The dish was prepared by Chef Chung Jae Lee, and according to him, the amount he prepared that day can serve up to 500 customers. Since I got there early, I was fortunate enough to witness the whole process from the start. According to Chef Chung Jae, it took him and his staff members two days to prepare the ingredients, and all the vegetables were fresh before going through marination, which was done by hand.

Chef Chung Jae’s method was to first fry the rice in sesame oil, before putting it in a giant wooden bucket. After the rice was done, he placed the marinated vegetables on top – carrots, cucumber, onions, bean sprouts, mushrooms, spinach, egg white and yolk (separated) – and garnished with green salad. Next, he applied generous servings of mayonnaise and sesame seeds. The final product was not only a delicacy; it was a work of art.

Connoisseurs and customers can purchase and taste a serving for $10. I found this to be a very good price given its ample serving and scrumptious taste. The chef explained that there are two ways of consuming bibimbap: on warmer days, one can eat it by itself; on colder days, mixing it together and frying it like fried rice is more popular. They also provided chilli sauce for customers who liked it, an option I politely declined. All things considered, it was a wonderful experience. I had a wonderful meal with nice scenery and ended the Sunday session by chasing seagulls on the Riverbank. I look forward to the session where the Festival serves cheese on 16th of February!

GAMES

Saints Row IV

Assassin’s Creed Liberation Review Words by Tamara Babij

Words by Brendan Whittaker Assassin’s Creed 4 is the AC game getting the most attention right now, and rightly so. However, also out now is a port of a year-old Playstation Vita game, that’s had a bucket of HD paint sloshed over it, getting all the visuals slick and gooey. Luckily, some of that stickiness is also smooshing some frayed bits of code together, fixing a lot of old bugs. They’ve also added some new missions and items, but nothing too major. The point is – this is probably the biggest, best looking version of the title we’re likely to see. But does that actually make it good?

There are many words to describe the Saints Row series; ‘serious’ and ‘realistic’ are, however, not in that list. I have been a fan of this series for a long time, and with each new release in the series they set a higher bar for silliness. Playing through the tutorial leaves you thinking is this really happening? – a thought that lingers for the entirety of your gameplay. For those unfamiliar with the series, you play the notorious leader of the gang 3rd Street Saints. Previous games focused on the build-up of your empire, this game starts you as top dog. But what is there to do once you have everything? Defend your planet from invading aliens. In terms of gameplay, this is nothing like previous games in the series; adding a whole range of new features including superpowers. You can jump, glide, use elements, and other superhero-like powers.

There is also a whole host of new enemies to fight and instead of destroying rival gangs, you are fighting the aliens and their creations. The main campaign is amazingly written and each mission is very unique. Many old characters return as you cultivate your rebellion. Veterans of the series who were disappointed with Saints Row: The Third, you can rest assured that this instalment is much bigger than its predecessor. It is also sillier in the best way. If you have a friend, free co-op is the best way to play as you and your partner save Earth by gliding through the skies. Through Saints Row, the developers make a reference to many games, with crew relations and story elements strongly reminiscent of Mass Effect as well as towers you can capture by climbing to the top much like in Assassin’s Creed. Saints Row IV is the game of many games and well worth your money.

Answer: eh, kinda? I mean, let’s face it, Assassin’s Creed is a series that, for me at least, is defined by disappointment. It never ever really pans out the way you’d like – even this game’s most interesting feature, the persona system (which, because of your protagonist’s unique social situation of being the daughter of a French merchant and an African slave, allows her to assume the identity of either an Assassin, a Lady or a Slave with various pros and cons) does not really translate into many interesting options as far as actual gameplay goes. And the core experience is still a bit shaky, but like a beloved arthritic family dog, it’s a shaky thing we’re rather familiar and somewhat comfortable with – go here, kill that, steal this, run away, and so forth. Side quests abound, of course (because what’s Assassin’s Creed without padding?), and if you’re going for 100 per cent completion, there’s a decent amount of stuff to do. But at the end of the day, what we have is an Assasin’s Creed title that’s been stripped down – more confined, reduced scope, less options, but also less fat. A leaner, cheaper product. The core experience is the same as it ever was (with some ACIII trappings), so if that’s your bag, you could probably do worse for the price.

MUSIC

‘Breathe In.’ (ft. Wafia)

Havest of Gold

Japanese Wallpaper

Gossling

Words by Jess Nicole

While her debut album Harvest of Gold was released a few months ago, it’s so good that it is still worth writing and knowing about this year. Distancing herself from her usual acoustic and folk tunes, Helen Croome aka Gossling, has produced an album full of lyrical content that holds immense gravity when combined with synth and electronic drums - something that is new to Gossling’s sound. Gossling is a lyrical storyteller and does not pretend that love is consistently endearing or loyal, in fact, she reflects on how love is notorious for blossoming and dying. Gossling explores the notion of love as a field of wheat whereby sewing the seed is akin to a lover’s first meeting and harvesting is akin to ending the relationship. Her featured single ‘Never Expire’ is a moving, ethereal track that

seems to lure its audience into a world of sonic dream. “Try to be stable while my anger swells. You’ve been unfaithful but my heart won’t dwell. You told me words that will never expire,” are both heartfelt and heartbreaking lyrics that compliment her sweet, earthy voice. At times, her voice borders on pixie-like, but in no way does she sound like she is whining, even given the subject matter of her songs. Hailing from rural Victoria, Gossling dropped out of her degree in psychology/sociology and decided to pursue a degree in music composition and a career as a singer/songwriter. And thank goodness she did - Gossling’s music is gorgeous and anyone who is a fan of folk/pop music should invest the time to listen to her album. Harvest of Gold seems to evoke a sense of calmness and creativity and so I recommend you press play when drawing, painting, writing or just chilling out.

Words by Tom Gaffney

When songs are released, they’re rarely released perfectly. The songs you adore more than anything else still have minor faults that you’re happy to overlook. For Melbourne teen Japanese Wallpaper, though, it seems that near-perfection just wasn’t good enough as a label for his latest single, ‘Breathe In (ft. Wafia).’ It may be a simple track with a small amount of layers, but every note, riff, and instrumentation that are added to form the solution of the ambient release feel as crucial as each other. The song starts with a simple riff reminiscent of Texan postrockers Explosions In The Sky and locals MTNS, building the foundation of the track and carrying it for its entirety. Shortly following this, soulful young female vocalist Wafia comes in with lyrics that speak of missing an old lover – “heart beats slowly / leeching off your memories.” From then on in, it’s a fantastic piece of work with a range of instruments such as marimbas, and electronic pianos, as well as a stripped down recurring loop of a Bon Iver song intertwining throughout. Although the track is on the short side, it works in the song’s favour. Just before you’re fully satisfied with the track, it’s already over and you find yourself hitting the replay button. With this release, Japanese Wallpaper solidifies his place in the ever-inspirational group of Australian producers with the likes of Flume, Slamagotchi, and Moon Holiday. Despite being a lot younger than the average musician, the Melbourne musician still carries as much heart, soul, and talent as some of your favourite songwriters and artists. Although ‘Breathe In’ is more than enough to keep you entertained for the better part of a season, keep your eyes peeled to see what this prodigy puts out next – I’ll bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Sounds like: Joanna Newsom, Sia, Imogen Heap

Fat Freddy’s Drop Jess Nicole speaks to Scott ‘Chopper Reedz’ Towers, the saxophonist from New Zealand’s seven-piece band Fat Freddy’s Drop. Their latest album Blackbird has been an absolute hit and it positioned itself at the top of New Zealand charts for four consecutive weeks.

Who makes up Fat Freddy’s Drop? There are seven of us from around New Zealand. There is vocalist Joe Dukie, DJ Fitchie on beats and production, Jetlag Johnson on guitar, Dobie Blaze on keys and synth bass, Hopepa on trombone and tuba, Sugar 2 Tone on trumpet and I’m Chopper Reedz and I play the saxophone. Who or what are your musical influences? They’re pretty varied. The seven of us listen to an awful lot of music. The influences that we are all interested in and share would be techno, dub and soul. How do European audiences differ from your fans closer to home? The audiences in New Zealand have an affinity with the band and they love the music and feel it deeply. We’ve got a deep connection with them because of that. We find that the audiences overseas are just as into our music as our local audiences but are a little crazier. New Zealanders tend to be more reserved while our audiences overseas are wilder. Your audience always seems to be overjoyed when you perform on stage, has there ever been a time when they have not been so receptive? By in large, people are really positive when they see us. I can definitely remember one occasion where we did this tour in France and we were paired up with really traditional Jamaican reggae.

That’s not really our thing – we’re not what you would consider a traditional dub band or anything. The audiences were just a little bit confused as to what we were doing there. It just didn’t quite work.

What’s been the highlight so far for FFD?

No. We just stuck to our guns and won a few of them over but there were definitely some guys in the front row that wanted to hear nothing but traditional dancehall artists. When we got up they just turned around – we were looking at their backs. Luckily, that’s not the sort of thing that happens very often.

We played a big festival called ‘Rock en Seine’, which is in the middle of Paris. That was really big. We played with Arcade Fire and Roxy Music and people like that. Those audiences were big and we really held our own in that sort of scenario and felt pretty proud about that. The proudest I’ve been was when we were doing the release tour for Blackbird in Australia, New Zealand and Europe. We sold out all our shows in Australia, New Zealand and something like 17 out of 20 in Europe. That was a really big step for us. We’d worked really hard to get to that point and we connected with the audience.

Do you personally prefer small or large gigs?

Where is the most exciting location you’ve ever performed?

I prefer medium gigs, to be honest. There’s a certain size where it gets so large you can’t see the people at the back and I like being able to see how people are reacting to the music.

We did a show in Perth last weekend on Scarborough Beach. We sat there playing the first song as the sun was going down over the Indian Ocean. That felt pretty awesome.

Did you have to act any differently to accommodate for them?

Between 2,500 and 4,000 people is a good number for me as there is a collective energy that is pretty undeniable. That comes from having a sufficient size. We play in front of large audiences at festivals all over the world and it’s pretty impressive when you’re on stage and there’s 20,000 people standing in front of you – it takes your breath away at times.

Is there anything that stands out for you when you think of Adelaide? Anything memorable? Lots of good wine and I love the food markets! I remember it being super hot when we did WOMADelaide last time - it was 42 degrees and on stage it was something like 46 degrees. We kind of freaked out. It’s certainly a bit of a shock when you come from New Zealand. It takes a lot of getting used to for us.

If you had a once only chance to meet and jam with any musician, dead or alive, who would it be? I would have to say – and it would absolutely scare the pants off me, I have no doubt about that – Miles Davis. Everything he did was super fresh and he never stood still for any length of time, he just kept on moving. He was amazing. Name one of your guilty pleasure albums? They change all the time. I’m going to go for Crosby, Stills & Nash’s album CSN. There are a couple of good songs on there that people probably wouldn’t expect me to like.

You’re playing on March 7 at WOMADelaide, what can the uni students here expect from your performance? There are a lot of songs off the album Blackbird we’ll be doing. It will be high energy and we want to make sure everyone has a good time. We’re only playing one set. Sometimes when we do the WOMAD shows we get to do a couple but not this time round, unfortunately. We’ll pack as much as we can into the time we have. There will be a lot of new material and a couple of good ol’ oldies that everyone knows.

Do you have a pre-show routine? If we’re in town for long enough, my preshow routine goes something like this: get up early in the morning because of the time difference between New Zealand and Australia. Normally, DJ Fitchie and myself play a round of golf – we’ve got a good friendly rivalry going on. Then we will have a tasty lunch somewhere local and try the local wine and foods. That’s something we like doing as a band. Afterwards, we’ll have a rest and then it’s down to the show to check out as much good music as we can. We have a few rums before the show! ▲

Catch Fat Freddy’s Drop on Friday 7th March at WOMADelaide for a killer performance with some soulful, dub and reggae infused sounds. 45

FICTION

No Sparkling Vampires I stared at the sign with disbelief. The big neon red letters of Club Blood shone like a beacon in the wet night from the darkest corner of the inner city. But the hastily-scrawled ‘No Sparkly Vampires’ taped on the sanguine door extinguished all my hopes of a safe and welcoming haven. It was like a closed-handed slap to the face. It was outrageous, it was blatant discrimination! It was illegal, and if it wasn’t, it damned well should have been.

“You’re being irrational!” she replied, tugging on my arm to pull me back. “Am I Tiffany? AM I?!” “Yes! Now shut up. People are staring.”

“The nerve of these people!” I exclaimed finally, after settling on an expression that most suited my mood.

“Let them stare, Tiffany. I want the whole world to know the injustice which has been done on this day!” I point accusingly at the bouncer.

“What’s wrong, Caleb?” Tiffany asked, pushing past the gaggle of patrons in line behind the velvet rope and appearing at my elbow. “Oh, when did that happen?”

He matched my gaze unblinkingly, staring back with a steely intensity that caused me to flinch.

“Clearly recently since I was only here last night,” I snapped back, glaring at the gargantuan bouncer who stood statuesque at the door. He was at least three feet taller than me and built like a rhinoceros. Glaring was all I could muster. “Did something happen last night?” Tiff asked, ever so helpfully. “Well, events may have come to pass, but I don’t see how any of that should pertain to me.” I replied, my hand glittering in the light of the nearby streetlamp as I flicked my scarf around my neck. “Maybe it was a different vampire who caused the trouble?” she suggested.

The door opened and a svelte woman with a tight black dress and severe expression walked out. “What’s all the commotion out here, Gary?” “This idiot wants back in,” the bouncer replied, his voice at least three octaves higher than I expected. Her grey eyes settled on me with malice, “You again.” “You have no right to discriminate against the colours of my skin!” I demanded. “Perhaps not, but I do have the right to ban anyone who causes trouble, and since no one got your name and you don’t show up in photographs, we had little choice of descriptors,” she replied.

The bouncer snorted, exposing his blatant eavesdropping.

“What about all the other innocent sparkly vampires?” Tiffany asked.

“Regardless of which vampire set fire to the bar last night, it doesn’t give them the right to ban all of my sparkling brethren,” I maintained.

“Hey, if you can find any other glittering leeches in this town, tell them they’re more than welcome.”

The bouncer stepped forward and lifted the velvet rope, holding it up to prevent me from moving while the next lot of giggling night-goers entered the club. A particularly iridescent young woman trampled in behind her friends without hindrance. I felt my usually cold blood heat up in unfathomable rage: “Are you serious?! You’re letting her in? She’s shinier than an exploding disco ball!” I could feel Tiffany try in vain to restrain me. “Calm down, Caleb. She’s just covered in glitter.”

“Oh, so it’s ok because she rolled around in craft supplies?!”

“Glittering leech? That’s a racial slur! I ought to report you for hate crimes!” I replied. “My uncle’s a lawyer. We’ll sue for you every dollar you’ve got!” The woman remained unimpressed. “Right.” “You don’t even have any proof I was the one who poured rum all over the bar and knocked over the eleven candle chandelier and stoked the flames with dirty bar rags,” I insisted. “Is there any video footage of me doing such a thing?” The woman faltered. “Well, no, but…”

“And have you managed to find any witnesses to the alleged crime?” I continued. “All the people who were there appeared to have had their memory wiped.” “So what are you basing your charges on?” I asked dramatically. The woman exchanged glances with the bouncer before sighing. “Fine. If you really want to come in, you can. But one more incident and you’re banned for life. I don’t care what relatives you have.” I waited until she walked back into the club before turning to Tiffany with a grin. “We’re in! I knew justice would prevail!” “Did you really try to burn down the club?” she asked.

bass lines and flickering candle light. The waist-coated man behind the only moderately scorched bar glared as I entered. People I recognised from the line before danced slowly on the blood red dance floor, swaying to the sombre tones of contemporary fang punk. In the corner, a slick-haired biter from one of the more traditional vampire families, lounged with two intoxicated breathers either side, tell-tale bite marks on their arms. Club Blood was one of the few places vampires and humans could mingle uninterrupted and away from disapproving eyes. “You were right, this place is pretty nice,” Tiffany said while looking over at the old-school vampire and his harem with what I interpreted as jealously.

“Shush. There’s no evidence.” I insisted. The bouncer lifted up the velvet rope, this time leaving me a few inches to squeeze through.

“I’d forgotten how dark it is down here,” I confessed.

“I’m watching you,” he growled, a threat that would have been far more affective had he not sounded like a castrated canary.

“I’ve changed my mind. This place really isn’t my scene. Let’s try the Fang Palace across the street.”

I looped arms with my companion and opened the deep red door, pushing past the velvet curtains and descending the illuminated stairs into the dimly lit den of thumping

“It’s not that bad.”

I heard Tiff’s eyes roll beside me, “I really hate you sometimes.” ▲

Words by Simone Corletto

Poetry & Prose I Write Whenever I felt sadness, I wrote. I wrote about the winds, the trees and the stalk beneath the bridge. I wrote about the vines curling up over the wire fencing, like a hug from my grandmother. My feelings strengthened with each drop of ink and the words became a lattice of roses and thorns. In the darkest night, I wrote for you. Just that once and you became the pen, the paper and the hand with which I wrote. To this day, I write with you in mind because you were the part of me that always belonged on paper. Words by Jess Nicole

Shift She was strong and on tone But as the song rang out, I was unknown She got up and ran Which helped me understand Why, for all this time, I was alone On the hill, I’m so still Thinking about those who I love and kill A tear in my eye Which I stand right beside So much beauty and loving goodwill Forget age and this rage Giving back what I took from the cage Engulfed in the maze Of the afternoon’s blaze The rays lifting me with this twelve gauge Words by Tim Walter

Long Distance I watch your cheeks turn a soft pink as the sun rises and rays stream through your bedroom window. Images of you kissing my forehead and falling asleep with interlocked hands flicker inside my head. They play out like an old fashioned film and pinch at my insides. The smell of you still lingers on my pillow when you’re away and the wisps of your hair tickle my face even though you cut your hair two months ago. So many embraces and goodbyes. When I am with you I am always happy and sad. I am happy because you breathe life into me and sad because I know it is short-lived. There will always be an airport, a suitcase, trembling hands and the tears streaming down my face. Words by Jess Nicole