Quench Issue 1 - 15 Sept 2003

Features explore ten ways to enjoy Cardiff

Travel investigate the joys of sunny Newquay

Fashion view the ins and outs of student chic

The trauma of coming out in Gay

Quench gets plastered in the best clubs in town

Music review albums, singles and live gigs

Quench preview Cardiff Union’s newest club night

Arts look forward to the next fortnight in culture

Digital rate the best game and Internet releases

Our resident ranter puts the sporting world to rights

Cult Classics reminisce about Withnail And I

The latest Tarantino film gets the once over in Film

Cheap titillation in the form of Blind Date

DC Gates muses in his fortnightly column

Executive editor Tristan Thomas

Quench editor Alex Macpherson

Arts Nicola York

Books DCGates

Digital Gareth Lloyd

Fashion Caroline Ellis

Features Karen Richards

Gay Ian Loynd

The death of summer is never an easy thing to accept. Especially when it brings with it the dual prospect of another year of lectures,tutorials and stress,and autumn in general, all rotting leaves and flu-inducing weather. Gah - that’s jaded third-year speak,isn’t it?

You freshers,sweet young things one and all,are probably bundles of nervous energy as I type. Fretting over whether you really need to pack a third kettle,dying to fly from the parental nest,wondering vaguely at the back of your mind exactly what you’ll cook once you’ve survived on pasta for a week (answer,incidentally: you continue to cook pasta for three years and,if you’re as lucky as me,praise the lord for your fast metabolism); I remember it all well. Sigh.

The summer months are always special,though,aren’t they? The heatwave made 2003 super-fantastic,unless you were stuck on the Tube having to concentrate very hard on the act of being alive. Here in the (relative) sticks,though,it was a truly blissful event: over a month solid of not only no rain,but glorious,glorious sunshine! Kids,only when you’ve resigned yourself to Cardiff’s usual climate will you fully comprehend the joy of such heat. Let’s hope that global warming continues apace,if this is what it means for us.

Music Jamie Fullerton,Anthony Lloyd

Contributors Riath Al-Samarrai,Anita Bhagwandas,Amy Butterworth,Chewie,Gemma Curtis,Nic Davies,Luke Grahame, Andy Hellier,Charlie Jenkins,Alec Jones,James Martyn,Cassidy Phillips,Rob Plastow,Rich Samuels,Alun Thomas

Now,though,it’s all over. But in all seriousness,you’ll be fine; after all, you’ve got at least three years to go before you come into contact with the real world… and until then,you can entertain yourselves with Quench,the all-new gair rhydd magazine. It begins here; it’s everything you ever wanted.

Amber Duval Top

sex laws for the 21st century

In Amber’s debut

on the pages of Quench,she blows apart the sex myths of Freshers’ Week...

Another year at Cardiff University begins and so do endless nights of drunken mishaps at the union, the Mecca of all first years during freshers’ week.

In my first year,whilst haphazardly queuing for a glimpse of Solus in my little dress and kitten heels in the freezing cold,I remember thinking: hurrah,perhaps at last I will meet some decent guys,not like the drunken Neanderthals that seemed to inhabit the small town that I had escaped. I glanced around the queue; hmmm,no fit blokes to be seen. But I was determined to be optimistic. The night was young and I still had at least three hours to get my freak on.

Flash forward to one hour later. Still in the queue,my hair frizzing frantically in the drizzle,my dress clinging to me in places it shouldn’t,my optimism seriously fading,the most remarkable thing happened: the queue moved. For a moment I thought my mind was playing tricks on me,but no,sweet Jesus,we were actually moving. At last I was inside! Like any girl in her right mind,I made a beeline for the bar with my faithful flatmates and three double vodka red bulls later I was feeling all warm and fuzzy. Then,disaster struck,in the form of a Random Minger throwing up all over my kitten heels. How much was this taking the piss? Big hair,dress still wet,no fit men in sight and now sicksplattered shoes. Random Minger offered to buy me a drink. ‘Yeah’,I said, ‘and make it a double.’ Cue bitching and moaning about bloody Neanderthals and how you can’t even get away from them in Cardiff to my mate. (It has to be said that much of my rant went unheard, though,as she was so pissed she was trying to smoke an unlit fag.)

Random Minger could still hear me, though,and on his return I promptly slurred out a demand for another drink. He was still being very apologetic. Was it me,or was he actually starting to get better looking? A few drinks later,I was

beginning to rethink the whole Random Minger nickname - the night was certainly improving and although I was dimly aware he might look different in daylight, in the light of the union he looked just fine. Kids,they always do.

After shaking my booty to Shaggy (am I really that old?) in my best ‘come hither’ fashion,I dragged Random Minger, now simply Random,back to my halls for some post-union fun. He may have barfed on my beautiful new shoes but the boy was a fox and once my vodka goggles were in place,there was no stopping me.

Back at my passion palace,I was starting to feel a little queasy. Perhaps that sixth double wasn’t such a good idea after all. My stomach had started to make alien noises. The Random, however,seemed eager to chat. Chat, that is,about himself. God,how boring can one person be? So boring I hurled, to cut a long story short. Not on his shoes,though,which gave me the moral high ground,a perfect place to bitch about the Random Bore’s bloody cheek in legging it post-vomit to the flatmates the following morning. Fuck a fresher? If you’re lucky!

ten songs to catch the sun to

1. Beyoncé feat. Jay-Z, Crazy In Love

2. DJJazzy Jeff And The Fresh Prince, Summertime

3. Moloko, The Time Is Now

4. St Etienne, Join Our Club

5. Mungo Jerry, In The Summertime

6. Nelly, Hot In Herre

7. Imani Coppola, Legend Of A Cowgirl

8. Nina Simone, Feeling Good

9. Prince, When Doves Cry 10. The Cardigans, Lovefool

“It’s pretty damn obvious why the Catholic Church is against abortion; too many of them, and there’ll be no more unwanted, vulnerable children left to rape”

Julie Burchill

“The path to truth is obscured by frivolous lawsuits”

Marilyn Manson

Amber’s kitten doesn’t like dogs

DIZZEE RASCAL

Normally,winning the Mercury Bullshit Prize is not a big deal. But imagine this, and then try to tell us you’re not stifling a giggle: the one-album-a-year brigade buying Dizzee’s Boy In Da Corner opus and trying to play its stellar mash-up of post-industrial grimy beats,harsh UK garage rhythms and hysterical,desperate MCing at their Islington dinner parties. In addition,he managed to beat the bookies’ favourites,the embarrassingly bad hair-metallers The Darkness,about whom there can be nothing to say except:so, so boring.

Tosser

DAVID BLAINE

Never have we felt prouder to be British than when the reports on crowd reaction’s to Blaine’s latest stunt started to come in: thrown eggs,nubile women baring their breasts and best of all,burger vans parked directly underneath his box to torment him with the smell of food. You see,Britons tend not to rate the faux-spiritual mystique of charlatans like Blaine very highly; it’s all too ludicrous to really take seriously. Why worry that he might die?After all,it’d get this desperate attention whore even more of what he wants:the glare of the camera.

The search for Cardiff’s students

We do yoga and Pilates and the room is full of hotties so we’re checking out the bodies and yes,we’re satisfied. And so will you be with our brand spanking new inaugural feature this year,because it’ll be you checking out the hotties now. Here’s how it goes. Listen up,now. Over the next year,you will send in sexy photos of your fittest friends and lovers (or indeed yourself,if you think you cut it). Clothing is strictly optional. We will print them at a rate of one boy and one girl each week. At the end of the year,there will be some kind of vote (don’t ask us what kind,we haven’t decided yet),and one lucky pair will be named Cardiff’s sexiest students. But really,that last bit isn’t so important,as it’s all for fun and done with tongue firmly in cheek (and who knows, maybe other places too if we get lucky). So get snapping; there will soon be nekkid people in your magazine,and that’s incentive enough for anyone.

Drop a photo with your name,your nominee’s name,contact details,year of study and course for both of you,and a sentence describing the nominee into one of the purple boxes in the union lobby or up to the GR office on the fourth floor of the union,with ‘GR Sexiest Student’ clearly marked on the envelope.All types of look welcomed.Get to it!

Jackass

Men hurting themselves:good clean fun or dull chancers?Our columnists square off

Amy Butterworth FOR Alex Macpherson

When you think about it, Jackass should be a steaming pile of shit. It's essentially You've Been Framed but with good-looking men,rather than an ex-soap star with a weight problem and a personality disorder. It's cheap, it's stupid and it's low-brow. It involves an inordinate amount of vomit and skateboards,two things I would normally avoid the way Christina Aguilera avoids make-up remover. It features men sticking things up their brown holes just for shits (arf!) and giggles,which,pre-Jackass,I would have considered about as entertaining as a three hour lecture on the structures and themes of My Hero

And yet it's not a steaming pile of shit (though it does contain some); it's fucking legendary. Why? Because Jackass is essentially all about wish-fulfilment. You can get up on any cultural high horse you want,you can complain that's crass and vulgar and encourages kids to do dangerous and violent things,but deep down,there's a little bit of your filthy,jaded soul that actually wishes it was Johnny Knoxville (or Bam Margera,or Chris Pontius but probably not Preston Lacey because he is,for want of a better phrase,a fat minger).

Yes,Alex,you know it's true.

You want to be a sharp-hipped,suicidally dumb but devastatingly luscious young man gambolling around American suburbia with a fat wodge of MTV's cash. You want to indulge in the kind of tomfoolery that may well be hazardous to your dignity,your life,your face and your freedom but, damn it all,it's fun. This is why the movie grossed over £22 million in its opening weekend in the USA - we all want to live the 'Ass dream.

Jackass is in no way big,hard or indeed clever. But if you don't find the sight of Steve-O snorting wasabi sauce and then vomiting it back on his plate,or Johnny Knoxville,stripped to his boxers (mmm),having crowd-control bullets fired at his perfectly toned torso hysterically funny,life-affirming and (might as well come clean) ever-so-slightly arousing,then my friend,you have issues.

Jackass is just big dumb fun - or so its creators,or more accurately its MTV sponsors,would have us believe. Big? We've seen enough shots of Johnny Knoxville and co naked to know that the only big thing about them is their bank balance,grown fat on the profit from a culturally retarded generation. Dumb?

The content is,certainly,but you could hardly accuse either Knoxville or MTV of stupidity,the former having made his mint and got out of the game as fast as his little legs could carry him, the latter exploiting the men-hurting-themselves seam of gold for all it's worth. Fun? Uh-uh. OK, there's something horribly riveting in Jackass's gross-out factor for maybe the first five minutes. But for a whole programme? For a whole series? Kids,get a life!

As my esteemed colleague Amy has accurately pointed out,much of Jackass's appeal lies in wish-fulfilment - in other words,middle-class kids so bored and dumb that they can't imagine any other way of getting their kicks,but so typical of their sheltered upbringing that they daren't do it for themselves. Excitement and daring by proxy has,of course,long replaced genuine experience in an era where surface is depth; Jackass is merely yet another form of this.

In other words,it's about as alternative and genuinely daring as Britney Spears (though a lot less fun); whatever you say about them,MTV sure know their demographics.

Maybe it'd be forgivable if Knoxville and co were fit (which they assuredly are not) - but then again,maybe not. Because what really makes Jackass so unbearable,the key to its pure despicability,is the insistence of the cast's laughter. A hideous,hysterical frat-boy bray,it soundtracks their lame stunts with the unrelenting buzzsaw determination of a pub bore. It's not really that funny,and they know it; that sound you hear is the sound of a bunch of chancers laughing all the way to the bank.

Zzzzzzzzz...

Welsh wonders Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci must fancy themselves as right comedians,releasing a new album just as the new semester begins and naming it Sleep/Holiday. Revise/Stress more like. Anyway,you can get your own back by blagging a brand new signed copy of the album (reviewed on page 20) along with a dashing GZM t-shirt for nowt,giving the band a royalty payout of zilch. The trouble is,once you’ve heard the melodic loveliness of the album you’re bound to go out and buy everything else they’ve ever done. Not wanting to condone stealing,we suggest you try the second hand shops first. To win, email us at grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk and:

Tell us the name of one other GZM album

Mark your emails ‘Gorky’s comp’.

Dope and glory

Howard Marks is cool because he smokes drugs. In fact he smokes drugs so much he went on a national tour to talk about it in theatres. Now you can relive those wonderful moments by winning a copy of the tour DVD. Just answer this following question...

Is dope:

A: A class A drug

B: A class C drug

C: Class

Thanks to our greasy friends at Papa John’s one extremely lucky and soon to be chronically obese reader can satisfy their oral desire for twelve inches of cheese crusted pleasure once a month for an ENTIRE YEAR! That’s right,one large speciality pizza in any variety from the menu every single month until either twelve elapse or your fingers become too fat to operate the telephone dial. To enter simply answer the following question...

Pizza originates from which country?

A: Italy

B: Ireland

C: New Zealand

Answers to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk,mark them ‘Pizza comp’.

Big Win Circus

Email your answers to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk with the title ‘Marks comp’.

Our homegirls at Evans reckon you should spend your loan money on large hardback books that cost £50 a pop as oppose to blowing it on clothes. Boring old biddies. Luckily for you though they’ve put their money where their mouths are,giving £150 worth of Evans vouchers to one lucky student,preferably female (it’s a clothes shop for women,see?) To win the booty email us at grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk with the subject ‘Evans comp’,and tell us:

Evans above

Which famous Evans shacked up with a horse-faced former pop celebrity?

A: Lee Evans

B:Chris Evans

C:Er... Dave Evans

The Millennium Stadium typifies Cardiff’s resurgence in recent years

Live it, love it

Cardiff has got a reputation for being one of the coolest cities in the UK and as more venues open,there’s no doubt that this trend will continue. After three packed years sampling the smorgasbord of entertainment offered by Cardiff,I can remove any fears you might have about moving here. Going to university will change your life and you will meet new people,many of whom will become lifelong friends. And there’s just so much to do with them! This list of activities is not exhaustive, but merely the beginning of three or more years of what will almost certainly prove a very enjoyable time for you.

1

Party,party,party. Going out will take up all your time this week and there’s no doubt you will be hitting the Students’ Union for plenty of alcohol-soaked revelry. With events such as Fun Factory every Monday (free entry and a resident DJ),a sports night every Wednesday (£2.50 on the door for a night of party classics) and Lashtastic every Friday (a piss up to savour),there’s no doubting how successful our Union is.

2

Explore the city. Don’t miss Cheesy Funk on Wednesday nights at Clwb Ifor Bach, Womanby Street. On Monday, Clwb usually hosts gigs too; check out flyers for details. Cheese lovers can be found in Jumpin’ Jacks,or if salsa gets your groove on,then Bar Cuba hosts some lessons from £4 every Tuesday. If it’s house music you’re after,then check out The Lounge on a Friday night or Incognitos.

3

Looking ahead. Early 2004 seems distant but plan ahead to get the best from your city. Time Flies will be hosting monthly Legends of House nights in the build up to their birthday,so expect plenty of nostalgic raving. Held at Emporium,it strikes a perfect balance between commercial and underground.

4

Lifestyle. If you want to eat out in style then Cardiff Bay’s the place. On a late summer evening you can eat and drink in pure sophis-

photo/archive

tication. If we’re in for a sunny autumn then Mill Lane is the place to party. Las Iguanas boasts a Mexican theme,outdoor seating and truly incredible cocktails. Happy hours (two for one) are Mon 5-10.30pm,Tues-Sat 5-7.30pm and Sun 5- 11pm. Meanwhile,the Pen and Wig,a traditional pub,is perfectly located near the Union and has tasty food and promotions with plenty of room to hide in the beer garden.

5

Sport at the Millennium Stadium. One of Cardiff’s newest attractions for football and rugby lovers,the stadium has been home of the FA Cup Final for the last three seasons and may well remain so until the FA sort out the Wembley Stadium fiasco.

Story continued on Page 9

Story continued from Page 8

6

Culture. Cardiff’s Park Place Museum is full of the finest art and history and what’s more it’s free! Well worth a look when you’ve got a spare afternoon. Open TueSun 10am-5pm. The Norwegian Church Arts Centre in Cardiff Bay is open Sat and Sun 10am-4pm,also with free admission.

7

Shopping. The arcades on St Mary’s Street are full of surprises and it’s great to explore,so we’re not going to ruin that for you.

8

Concerts. The Students’ Union is hosting the likes of Starsailor, Goldfrapp,The Darkness and Kosheen this autumn. Gigs sell out quickly though so you need to be quick off the mark. The Cardiff International Arena (CIA) will also play host to the likes of Blue and Atomic Kitten in the near future.

9

Roath Park. Situated north of the main student district,if the weather’s good you can go rowing or simply walk off one of those nasty hangovers.

10

Tennis or cricket in Sophia Gardens. Football in Bute Park,flying a kite… OK,now I’m just getting carried away. Enjoy.

Job lot

With 60 per cent of students now taking part-time jobs, Quench investigates an easy and safe route to employment

Apriority for many students on arriving at university these days is finding a part-time job to eke out their student loans. This can be difficult in a strange city where everything is unfamiliar and where the high street employment agencies are not particularly student-friendly.

The simplest solution is provided by the Unistaff Jobshop,a service provided by the Union to make it as easy as possible for students to find casual or temporary work. The service was set up in response to the growing needs of students to take up paid work as a result of further grant cuts and the introduction of course fees. With 60% of students now working while in education,Unistaff Jobshop provides an essential service in giving Cardiff University students a central starting point in their search for casual employment.

The Jobshop operates both as an introductory service to local employers as well as a recruitment agency providing part-time,temporary and vacation jobs within the Students' Union,university and with local companies.

So if you are looking for a regular temporary job or just a few hours’ work now and then,there should be something to suit you.

All vacancies advertised,whether internal or external,pay at least the adult national minimum wage (currently £4.20 per hour,rising to £4.50 per hour from October 1 2003) regardless of age.

Advertisements for vacancies with local companies are advertised at Unistaff Jobshop as well as on the Students’ Union website (cardiffstudents.com). Jobs available through Unistaff (the recruitment agency) are advertised within the Jobshop. Vacancies are updated frequently,so it is important that you check the website and job boards regularly.

If you would like to register with Unistaff Jobshop,please come and see us in the Mall (on the ground floor of the Students' Union building) between 10am4pm Monday to Friday bringing the following:

Home Students

NUS card and one of the following: National Insurance card/payslip/P45/passport/ birth certificate.

International Students NUS card and passport.

Cardiff’s impressive civic centre

Roath Park lake

New look

Whether you’re after a high street look or a bargain from the arcade, Cardiff’s got the lot,writes

Caroline Ellis

Well done,freshers. Not only have you picked a fabulous university but you have chosen a city which has recently been voted Britain's number one for shopping. Cardiff city centre is dominated by two main shopping streets,St Mary's and Queen’s Street.

There are several shopping malls in the centre,the newest and most exclusive being the Capitol,which notably contains the ultimate student shop H&M. St David's and Queen’s Arcade provides undercover shelter for those bouts of wet weather which are so common in our locality. Howell's,a branch of House of Fraser, offers a more costly clothing range such as Armani,D&G and Paul Costelloe.

Howell's is also fantastic for its food hall and its beauty products which include Benefit,Avenda and Molton Brown. I suggest,though,that you forget large stores and head into one of the old arcades. The Victorian and Edwardian arcades have great character and independent but unusual shops,making them a prime place to blow your student loan. Castle, Morgan and the High Street Arcade feature modern homeware shops,vintage and

urban clothing,joke shops and some great shoe shops.

Castle Arcade is the home to Chessman,a marvellous clothes shop which is exclusive to Cardiff and Newport. If you are looking for a pair of Diesel,Miss Sixty or some great designer jeans,this is the place to go. Not only has it a great array of jeans but also provides exceptional day and evening wear,superb for all the students out in fresher's week.

Before you go off and drain all of your student funds in the absolutely fabulous capital of Wales,a few points and tips for the must haves of this season. Vogue is heralding the return of glamour for autumn and winter.

Eye-popping prints,especially in black and white,will be indispensable. H&M are doing very reasonably priced polka-dot skirts,dresses and tops which achieve this look with the minimum of fuss.

Seduction is the key to get the glamour look. This means lots of ribbons,pleats and plunging necklines to create the ultimate in sexy sophistication. If ladylike chic is not you,though,why not try something a little tougher? Punk is back as a major

Top 5 on what's hot this season

m Tights with a short skirt (so don't chuck those miniskirts to the back of your wardrobe just yet)

m The t-shirt and scarf look

m Bright shoes, especially in pink and yellow

m 60s style earrings (and perspex jewellery for retro extras - groovy, baby)

m Gleaming shoes and handbags; pick patent this autumn.

fashion influence this season,and with it come a sea of smart tartan,corsets and studded accessorise. Bring on a glamorous winter and dust away those belted winter coats and yes,those boots are back again,which is great news for students when walking to lectures on cold wet days.

Army green always looks smart

Seduction is the key to glamour

Morgan shows attractive subtlety

Out and about

By Ian Loynd

Freshers’ week is the chance of a new beginning; an opportunity to really be yourself and let the world know you're gay and proud. And, whilst this life-changing moment turns out to be a non-event for most,it can be a deeply traumatic and difficult time for others. So,to stay in the closet or to jump out kicking and screaming? The choice is yours.

Coming out is the time all gay men and women dread. The fear of abandonment by your parents and ostracism from your friends seem all but certain to happen. But,rest assured,outing yourself may be a lot easier than you think.

Most of your friends will inevitably say, 'So what?'. Your parents may be uncomfortable but probably won't be surprised (you were always a little 'different'). Whilst this leaves most of us to mince around in our crop-tops without embarrassment, what about those for whom coming out

“Sexuality is about who you have sex with.No more,no less”

isn't all rainbow flags and all-night clubbing? It is sad that being gay will be a problem for some of your friends and family.

The fact that you are the same person (except,perhaps,that your long term partner turns out to be Mike not Michelle) is beside the point. Being gay is wrong. Therefore you are wrong. But remember, that's their problem,not yours. Sexuality is about who you have sex with. No more,no less. So be proud. Be yourself. And if you want to buy the entire Ab Fab and Will & Grace series on DVD,go on.

Some coming out tips

Out yourself in the way that's best for you. Perhaps tell some close friends at first and let the news travel over time. Or,if you prefer,do it in one fell swoop by dancing around Solus to It's Raining Men. Make the experience as comfortable as possible for you.

Don't be too in-your-face about your sexuality. Some people may take longer to adjust than others,particularly people who have known you as straight for years. Try not to camp (or butch) it up too much.

Don't put up with other people's crap. If

they don't like it,don't talk to them again. Hopefully they'll live their narrowminded lives as lonely,unhappy individuals.

Seek advice if you need it. Many young gay people become withdrawn,develop depression and,in the saddest of cases, commit suicide. There are many organisations out there to help you. Your first port of call may be the Student Counselling Service on 47 Park Place.

Have fun and be safe. You'll never get the opportunity to live the student life again so live it to the full.

Cardiff ROCKS!

When the sun goes down the students wake up,and stumble forth into the city in search of entertainment. Lucky then,that Cardiff has got it all.

In terms of grimy guitar-related kicks, POPSCENE at CLWB IFOR BACH every Wednesday is an indie institution. Spread across three floors,on offer is indie and rock faves at the very ceiling,hiphop cuts in the middle and classic funk on ground level. The queues that snake down Womanby Street are testament to the night’s popularity; pity those with 9am Thursday lectures. FEVER at BARFLY on Fridays and Saturdays attracts the same crowd but being set on only one floor makes it a darn sight easier to get your tongue down the throats of any local muso ‘celebrities’ you might happen to have your eye on. Meanwhile anyone who’s got a black hoody or two stashed in the closet will undoubtedly lose themselves at CLUB METROPOLITAN. It’s here where you can dance a gaudy jig to your favourite Marilyn Manson moments ‘till four in the morning while laughing at the ridiculous bouncer who thinks he’s in the SAS.

related action to be undertaken. Hardhousers are strongly advised to check out BIONIC soon to be located in Queen’s Street’s VISION,arguably the best club in the city. Expect all-nighters galore so pack your sleeping bag. GENROAR NATION X at CLUB X is another hard house night not to be missed,attracting the likes of Fergie,Lisa Lashes and Lab 4. ‘Nuff said.

Firmly based in the EMPORIUM are promoters TIME FLIES who celebrate their tenth anniversary this year by continuing to put on diverse acts such as Seb Fontaine, Judge Jules and Anne Savage,if we’re plucking names out of the air. STATESIDE is their new club night catering for the funkier end of the market.

With a carnival atmosphere and the cream of vinyl abusing talent is LAMERICA,one of the most popular nights out in Cardiff. US house and garage is order of the evening, a recent spurt in popularity has seen the night expand from the usual Emporium setting to the plush surroundings of LIQUID further down on St. Mary’s street,helping to attract the likes of Joey Negro and Roger Sanchez.

“In terms of grimy guitar related kicks, Popscene at Clwb is an indie institution”

It’s not just nest-haired vitamin D deficient musos who will be creaming their pants at the prospect of the proverbial ear-massage that is Cardiff though,there’s more than plenty decks-

Keeping in check with the rest of the UK,Cardiff’s drum’n’bass scene is rapidly evolving. Two major nights in particular will have your diaphragm rattling; BULLETPROOF at Emporium is one for the loyal d’n’b fiends,acts like Mampi Swift,Bryan Gee and Grooverider get the masses off their asses. More relaxed and a bit more studenty is SILENT RUNNING at Clwb Ifor Bach,which nonetheless reels in the biggies; recent headliners include Andy C,Zinc and local legend Hospital Record’s High Contrast.

Hip-hoppers,we haven’t forgotten you. HUSTLER at Clwb Ifor Bach is your first stop. Friday nights will never be the same again,and Saturday mornings simply won’t exist. With the likes of Grandmaster Flash,Rahzel and Scratch Perverts as recent headliners it’s no surprise that it’s rammed most weeks

so get those elbow barges perfected. Also based in the simply smashing Toucan Club on St. Mary’s is the scorching HIGHER LEARNING,where all the cool cats hang out. Unless you’re a breakdancer of at least county standard don’t dance. You’ll only be shown up. So get on down,throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care,and er... well,enjoy!

24 Hour Party Students

MONDAY

You want to support your union,so you do so by spilling lager by the bucketload and grooving to bad-ass hip-hop classics then going ballistic for the numetal half-hour at Fun Factory in Solus

TUESDAY

It’s student night at Bar Cuba just off Queen’s Street. You’re a student,so you go to student night at Bar Cuba, just off Queen’s Street!

WEDNESDAY

Your first visit of the week to Clwb Ifor Bach,it’s ironic trucker caps at the ready as you shuffle your way through all your favourite indie classics at Popscene. After queuing for an hour to get in you vow to get there earlier next time...

THURSDAY

Risking both ridicule and spinal injury you head for Higher Learning at the Toucan and breakdance the night away.

FRIDAY

‘Cos you’re cooler than the average pint of milk you start the weekend’s proceedings at Hustler in Clwb Ifor Bach. No indie mush here tonight,just the finest cuts of hip-hop and drum’n’bass in town. Word.

SATURDAY

By now the weekend is in full swing,so it’s US garage-o-clock at Emporium for you. Via Burger King on the way back of course.

SUNDAY

It’s nearly all over,but you’ve got just enough energy to make it down to the Philharmonic to chill to Smooth Jazz Sunday all afternoon. And ‘cos you fall asleep on the sofa there,all night too.

Metros: Don’t make a tit of yourself there

Cardiff ROCKS! The Bands

With an array of wondrous local talent and heavyweight chartbusters alike residing in the Welsh capital you’d be a fool to ignore the music scene here. Yes indeedy,it’s no exaggeration to exclaim loudly that Cardiff is a haven for the music lover,be it bands with guitar riffs that could eat you alive,vulnerable indietypes wailing sob stories or killer clubnights that float your particular boat. We’re well past the cringeworthy days of ‘Cool Cymru’ now,but that’s not to say that we’re left with some kind of postapocalyptic musical wasteland. Far from it; the pinnacle of Cardiff’s unsigned talent constantly tests the surface of the mainstream and the ‘Diff’s elite score top ten hits with ease while lapping up

creamy bowlfuls of critical acclaim. You’ll probably be familiar with most of the latter,dad-rockers STEREOPHONICS have a habit of turning up in large stadiums nearby,ask your parents for more information. Cream of the crop though have to be the glorious SUPER FURRY ANIMALS who threaten to become the biggest band in the world with every new album of swooning melody. An equal amount of respect must also be dished out to GORKY’S ZYGOTIC MYNCI, who’s tip-top country pop is universally lovely. After much hooha it looks like nearby Blackwood’s politico blast rockers MANIC STREET

“The Welsh capital is a haven for the

PREACHERS are sticking around for at least a little while longer. They’re working on new material as you read so we’ll have to wait for that before writing them off as a spent nostalgia act. But let’s face it,expectations aren’t all that high. Slightly more promising is CERYS MATTHEWS’ new acoustic direction,proving that a few weeks away from the Met Bar can do a girl a world of good. They might be refused entry to the Gallaghers’ fave hangout,but if all goes to plan then the blissed out harmonies of SMALL VICTORIES could bag a set of lifetime membership cards. Find a band with better tunes and we’ll sell our genitals. Speaking of,er,genitals,lovers of sophisticated sex-pop will head straight

Super Furry Animals: When it comes to hairstyles it’s all or nothing

Pic:Mike Parsons

for MELYS who have already accumulated a considerable back catalogue for you to delve into. A craving for even more swooning delights can be satisfied by the beautifully fragile melodies of WATERSHED,who pen tales of melancholic heartbreak with a pedigree on par with any of the festival-touring British guitar bands you’re already in love with. But with a singer who pukes 14 times before every show. More upbeat are the summertime hooks of THE KEYS,who used to be Murry The Hump. Lovers of days by the pool with a spliff and a copy of Pet Sounds need look no further. Meanwhile seldom seen outside flares and terrible, terrible bobs are THE LOVES,who peddle a brand of melodic retro-pop that would bring a smile to a Geordie biker’s face.

“For those who like hearing the amps cranked up to eleven Mclusky have to be the first stop.”

For those of you who like nothing more than hearing the amps cranked up to eleven,the immensely popular MCLUSKY have to be the first stop. Their nails-against-blackboard riffage is as melodic as it is raucous. Not far behind is the capillary-blowing blitzkrieg of THE MARTINI HENRY RIFLES, SAMMO HUNG, MIDASUNO and the layered art-punk of JARCREW who have the added bonus of a monkish front-man who steals clothes from his audience members.

But if nu-metal is more your bag then make a bee-line for the LOSTPROPHETS. They might dress like Limp Bizkit but there’s nothing bloated and ugly about those tunes. And if that ain’t enough for you check out Newport’s THE KENNEDY SOUNDTRACK if you must,but be warned that although they’ve got a loyal fanbase of lower-sixth form students,every-

Lost Prophets:Sk8r bois

Mclusky: Too cool for witty captions

one else thinks they’re shit. Heading towards the emo end of the road

FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND are sure to raise more than a smile. If they’re not huge within a year I’m a nose-ring.

Lastly,moving away from convention as we know it ZABRINSKI’s electro-guitar blast is always a joy,as is the oddball acoustic/rap crossover of MC MABON who emerged from the ashes of now defunct Welsh-language hip-hoppers TYSTION. Phew,that just about covers it. Actually that’s bullshit,there’s a shedload of more great bands to get out there and salivate over. So get out there and salivate!

EAR CANDY

Three of the year’s best Cardiff records to get you started.

SUPER FURRY ANIMALS

Phantom Power

Epic

On which Cardiff’s finest continue their trend for glorious melody,wrapping pop sensibilities around grandiose dreams of orchestrated genius. More moments of gasping pleasure than a night out at the Fantasy Lounge. Go stuff a fiver in Gruff’s y-fronts.

SMALL VICTORIES

Go Back To Bed America

Boobytrap

The finest of the many fine moments on their storming forthcoming LP,daydreamy guitar echoes cling to sky-surfing croons before plunging into a spittle fuelled barrage of venomous vocals at the death. It’ll keep you up all night.

MCLUSKY

Undress For Success

Too Pure

After more stateside kicks and giggles with Steve Albini,Cardff’s finest Pixie-rockers spewed out this satanically delightful playground chant for possessed kids.

The Manics: The only rock stars who wear sunglasses outdoors

MOVE FESTIVAL

Old Trafford,Manchester

Unless you’re The Darkness,it’s hard to be a festival opening act. First thing Friday, Kinesis and The Mars Volta face the smallest crowds of the weekend,though MV’s quirky mish-mash of funk-noise is well received by the hardcore devotees there. It seems far too early for the splendid Super Furry Animals to play. However,they convincingly bang out tracks from new album Phantom Power and the psychedelic confusion of Golden Retriever pleases the somewhat despondent crowd. Finishing a solid set, The Man Don’t Give A Fuck grinds to a halt after a verse. Gruff half-joking,halfdespairing comments "we’ve only been playing that for seven years",and the miserable audience raise a smile. They start again,and leave looking unconcerned,but it’s frustrating that this inspirational act is today so under-appreciated. Best mates The Flaming Lips float more boats. Their customary entourage in animal costumes perform as backing dancers,Wayne Coyle has the presence thereafter of a circus master; performer and co-ordinator. Opening with Race For The Prize and pumping the crowd for participation during the heartskipping Do You Realise,the Lips may be accused of being one-trick ponies, but they’re prize-winning beasts if that’s the case.

they showcase from their whole career. And when the sunstroke and alcopops kick in,a blaring of Faster makes us blearily remember why we loved them in the first place.

Old-skool memories return on Saturday,when the Inspiral Carpets rock up,a little older and fatter,but with a new greatest hits set to plug. Loyal Mancunians front of stage go nuts, and everyone else jiggles about to Saturn 5. It sounds much better here than the dive of an indie club it’s usually found playing in. Dave Gahan is a legend,mixing classics like Personal Jesus with new Paper Monsters songs to be quietly appreciated. When Feeder play,the atmosphere returns to a karaoke frenzy. Even the hard-nosed ‘serious’ music buff can’t help repeating "drink cider from a lemon,lemon, lemon…." after them,until exhausted. Extremely enjoyable and a reminder of all the good tracks they’ve written that you’ve forgotten.

league. He’s a guitar genius,but disappointingly his vocals just don’t match up to his finger skills,and he needs a singer to front his music. Idlewild on the other hand,have developed into performers. They no longer rely on noise and leaping about - though this still works in part. The band have grown in stature,and have a reliable back catalogue to rid themselves of any filler. Badly Drawn Boy is not bothered with providing visual stimulation. He plays as though to a small ensemble of friends. Characteristically,stop-starting and intertrack babble is prominent. The simplistic guitar and occasional keyboard accompaniment slackly provide the background,and a notably superb Once Around The Block. He has a quiet charm,and the ballsy solo performance works remarkably well.

The Manic Street Preachers’ whole set could be from the limp,lighter-waving Everlasting era,and the majority of the leopard-print clad hardcore would be happy. Luckily this isn’t the case,and

In his heyday Tim Burgess was a pinup,and the girl with a skintight ‘I love you Tim’ teeshirt on,(and frequently off - flashing like a good ’un), obviously thinks he still is. Flitting between falsetto and a nasally Manchester/Americano drawl,his performance makes The Charlatans demanding. They instigate an ecstatic response,ripping up a baggy tinged,dance-fuelled set with beats,guitar and vocal dominance. We don’t get our baps out,but we love you too Tim. Sunday starts a little sleepy,as Athlete breeze through El Salvador and Westside,gently reviving with well-suited indie frolics. Afterwards,it’s impossible to elevate John Squire into the hero

“We don’t get our baps out,but we love you too Tim Burgess”

In massive contrast are showmeisters REM. Stipe in particular appears particularly hyperactive. Rare performers in the UK,this is a massive coup,and a rammed Old Trafford holds a sense of occasion. Sparkly backdrops and showy lights are a nicety,but unnecessary for the worldwide superhero’s. Stipe’s rendition of The Great Beyond is massive, Losing My Religion dazzling and newy Bad Day reflects a band with still much to offer. An epic It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) teeters on disrupting crowd control,in a very good way. REM are true kings of guitars,harmonies,and enormous anthems. A superb finale to the urban event; this is the very best of stadium rock. Gemma Curtis

Clwb Ifor Bach,Cardiff

It kind of says something when a band toss away their usual set closing highlight seconds after tuning up. Mclusky chew up and spit out the heart-raping Frank-Black-skullfucking-The-Ramones’corpses storm of Whoyouknow,and they’re saying that,“yeah,we were a fucking awesome Pixies tribute band, but now we’re just fucking awesome.” New material proves it. For one newy they whip out a Spanish guitar and chain it down with trademark sinister bass-guitar boots to the stomach. Then there’s Undress For Success,filthy dark undertones,smarmy vocals and a new playground chant for possessed kids. Also fresh out of the plastic wrapping is drummer Jack; looking as sneerily mean as the Sheriff of Nottingham with a Guinness hangover any doubts about his satanic pedigree are dashed as during hi-hat orgy Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues he nearly takes off Mclusky have upgraded their shit – soon they’ll sacrifice it to Steve Albini to commit to tape in America and we’ll have a record more mind blowing than looking at your own arsehole in the mirror. Start queuing now. Jamie Fullerton

Cardiff Do

“Soon we’ll have a record more mind blowing than looking at your own arsehole in the mirror”

Barfly,Cardiff

Openers Casino might be the worst band you’ll ever hear in your life. Soon someone will realise this, any contacts with record companies will be severed, they’ll never see the inside of a transit van again and their shit brand of Kelly Jones fronting Bon Jovi anus-rock will never foul itself in anyone’s ears ever again.

The Webb Brothers are pretty darn special. Their new self-titled album is an amazing cascade of melancholy vocals shovelling up quirky, brilliantly bleeping

melodies, and tonight they play the skysurfing highlights. A Funny Old Kind Of Music is hard-house pounding being creamed over by the greatest early 90’s computer game jingle ever heard. Then there’s Liar’s Club from their Maroon album, a depressing ode to the brother’s wasted twenties in Chicago lurking in the darkest corners of the city’s trend bars and pretending they’re still teenagers. To the soundtrack of a glorious guitar pile-up and melancholic pining the image is crystal clear. The sparse Maroon is equally effective, kicking in and out like the unborn Mike Tyson: “everyone can see... that you’re unhappy.” Then why, oh brothers, is the entire venue beaming like a circus of Prozac monkeys? Jamie Fullerton

The kids go wild for Mclusky

Take Them On,On Their Own

Virgin

The boys in black are back, and they’ve brought along their debut album Mark II.

Songs rehash their first effort unashamedly,but thankfully this is still more than enough to rock our socks for the foreseeable future. So we’ll give them a few lines,dismiss them from the teacher’s office then jump on the desk and play air guitar to the CCTV camera. Jamie Fullerton

A b s o l u t e l y f a b u l o u s

Absolution Taste

Three albums into their career,Muse again deliver to us something that will pump ecstatic sorts of chemicals rushing through the brain. More than just a follow up to their previous outstanding Origin Of Symmetry, Absolution has a particular sense of urgency. "This is the end of the world," a lyric featured in the opening track

Apocalypse Please is perhaps not the most optimistic way to start things rolling,but it sure sets the mood - exhilaration. Electronic arpeggio cascades are still very much

Love And Life

Geffen

Love And Life’s familiar beats, samples and vocals make it unlikely to be championed by those who see R&B as the most innovative music around. Although never futuristic,the first half-hour is quality pop; taut,sassy and catchy. But 180 shapeless minutes descend into slushy tedium. Another casualty of overlength,urban music’s most entrenched faultline.

Chewie

BROADCAST

Haha Sound Warp

present,lending an audacious,neo-classical baroque edge to something which is otherwise straightup rock. Yet there is a sense of maturity,with less huge riffery and more piano filled moments,the odd Rachmaninov lick slipped in here and there.

Matt Bellamy is "trapped since ovulation" in Time is

Running Out,something we can all relate to I suppose, but that’s the beauty of it. The emotions and feelings Muse manage to provoke so clearly hit the spot time and time again,at their best sounding almost apocalyptic,and leave you feeling agonised,far too overexcited,and shaking. Nic

Davies

Imagine,if you will,a synthequipped von Trapp family moving into that house from The Shining. If they were to record an album in the days before they killed and ate one another,it'd likely sound like this. Broadcast have written some of the creepiest nursery rhymes ever,yet included moments of warmth and disturbing comfort. Cassidy Phillips

White Printz

Wichita

Seems the easy/lazy thing to do here would be to list all the bands that they draw influence from. But that’s to oversimplify what these guys do. In one song they can cover the hardest rap to the rap to the scuzziest guitar based electro. Eclectic genius. Rich Samuels

Kick Up The Fire And Let

The Flames Loose Morning

Kick up the fire,let the flames burn,open the door, let the Coopers return. Take seeds of their debut,let the fruit grow. Tell the people of the Coopers,let the love show. Ok enough hymn bastardising. If you hate them already there’s nothing here to change your mind but every tune here is capable of winning them a hoard of new fans,except InYour Prime which is shit. Go buy it or something. Rich Samuels

Sleep/Holiday Sanctuary

And so for the duration of another (their ninth) album, the sun keeps shining for Gorky’s. And everyone really should be whipping out their shades to celebrate,‘cos Sleep/Holiday is as tenderly beautiful as any of their previous tip-top country pop. The smiley harmonica is there, the deliriously jaunty piano too,and Euros Childs’ vocals sound as heart-warmingly unique as ever. Jamie Fullerton

For a chance to win a fully signed copy of GZM’s new album along with a rather dashing GZM t-shirt,turn to page 7.

The Grim Northern Social LP

One Little Indian

The Glasgow quintet produce a tidy indie sound which ranges from poppy highs (Honey),to rage (Snap The Imposters). Singer Ewan MacFarlan posesses an unusual eloquence,demonstrated by the opening lyric of Gasoline Queen. Of his wife, he sings earnestly that “she sucks like a hoover,my face is her chair”. Songs are from the heart and the overall effect is not bad at all. Alec Jones

MARY J BLIGE

BUMBLEBEEZ

Of Thousands

The word "love" was not uttered once during Elbow’s melancholic masterpiece

Asleep In The Back. On Cast Of Thousands it appears 40 times on one song. It had to really. It took Elbow ten years but the band finally escaped the turgid Northern urban existence that fuelled their early works,so instead they now turn to,well,not outright happiness but at

I Am Kloot Echo

More dark pop from the Mancunian slow rockers. Listening to the Kloot is like watching the scenery buzz by on the train. Yeah it’s cool and beautiful but you’re only doing it until the trolley lady brings light refreshment and because the old guy opposite keeps trying to catch your eye. Rich Samuels

The Outer Marker

RGR

Since the late 1980s specific areas of dance music have forced themselves apparent; break,hip-hop,electro hiphop,and house. Jack rode all these out and this album represents a man who loved them all but detested their abundance. A brilliantly con-

least tales laced with flashes of optimism. As Guy Garvey puts it himself, "hopeful but with our usual twisted doom factor". Musically the orchestration is as softly layered,if not more than previous efforts. Caressed by Garvey’s doeeyed whispers an almost deific sound is created that transcends just about everything else one could hope to hear in 2003. It’s not always sunny for Elbow, but here they’re embracing beautiful new horizons.

Jamie Fullerton

structed debut; dance to the socio-consciousness of some guy called Jack. Richard Samuels

When Bulls Play God

Lockjaw

Midasuno’s first Lockjaw release sees live favourites like Start The Riot taking on an early Manics-esque quality,spewing revolution with every word. You really need this band; it’s just a shame there’s no room whatsoever left on this bandwagon. Anita Bhagwandas

It Still Moves

RCA

Recalling the somewhat elusive works of the Jesus And Mary Chain flirting with Doves’ melodious yet bare vocals,life really couldn’t get much better for My Morning Jacket. In their world everything's calm,peaceful and

so goddamn perfect. With songs like the dreamy Rollin Back it would be churlish to deny their unashamed greatness. Anita Bhagwandas

PEACHES

Fatherfucker XL

If Peaches had her way,she’d shag you and all your mates, male or female. Her sexual preference may be bi but her musical experimentation is distinct;y polyamorous,with thrashy guitars,electro beats and Iggy Pop all popping up. Her lust for fucks is as unrelenting as her album’s quality. Rich

Waves Ignition

Before Andy Bell sold his soul to the devil and started playing bass for Oasis he was in Ride,one of the most successful indie bands of the early nineties. Waves brings together tracks from the bands sessions at Radio 1. Gaze at your shoes with pleasure and drift along with the melodic vocals of Mark Gardner and guitar noise that Sonic Youth would be proud

SERAFIN

No Push Collide Taste Media

In places this record contains some great driving rock moments that rival most of the established bands of this genre. However in other places Serafin just try too hard to sound exactly the same as these bands (Muse and Placebo in particular,) and at best it comes across as formulaic. This is by no means a bad record,its just that you’ve heard most of it done far better before. Luke Grahame

Silence Is Easy EMI

The overall vibe of the album is far brighter than the previous and the band seem to have eschewed the irritatingly gloomy self-pity that was associated with them in the past. Admittedly,the vocals can be a little monotonous in places,but there's enough going on in the background to happily tune out the few moments of whining and just enjoy the music. Luke Grahame

THE WEBB BROTHERS

The Webb Brothers 679

This,their third album,is more Steptoe & Son psychpop meets depressed yet glorious guitar tales than before, and it’s absolutely ace. Plus A Funny Ol’Kind Of Music is the only pop song with a hard-house beat

Samuels

Singles

Good Time

London

Yet another single from the Hi-Fi Serious album and it’s more of the same pop-rock that we have come to expect. However,it does have the bonus of soundtracking a Nokia advert. Anthony Lloyd

THE BREAKNECKS

Skank

If Cypress Hill and the Headcase Ladz did a collaboration it would sound as shit as this. That’s not to say it’s bad – the hilarity of the rap makes this a winner. Rich Samuels

Punk Rock 101 Music for Nations/ Zomba One can only hope that if Bowling for Soup really were teaching in a high school a lone gunman would pay them a visit. Bowling For Columbine

Overrated London

DONAGHY

Ex-Sugababe Siobhan,the one who always looked uncomfortable and on the edge of a breakdown,is back. She lets us know straight away who was the true moody one. Mid-paced guitar strummer with nice beats bumping it along. Nic

Davies

Waking Up On A Sunday Depth

Surely this song shouldn't sound as good as it does? I mean,musically it's hardly more than a pastiche of Seal,Coldplay and U2,but... but it works. Derivative yet superb. Cassidy Phillips

Let It Happen Double Snazzy

Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Complete with ‘seductive imp’

Obstacle

1 (Arthur Baker Remix)

Matador

Arthur Baker has a unique skill. He can turn four minutes of miserablist intrigue and Joy Division sycophancy into eight minutes of depressing irrelevance. How does Baker sleep at night? On a mattress of money. Alun

Thomas

Wildest Dreams

EMI

We love Maiden,but this single is undeniably awful. The opening riff is predictable,by numbers dross which leads into one of the most horrific choruses ever heard. Luke Grahame

Love Your Sons and Daughters Too Pure

The Keys it seems,are shitfaced in 1965. It’s just like when Belle & Sebastian ‘went pop’ for one single,if they’d done it in the middle of an acid-fuelled free love festival in a muddy field at 4am. Pupil-dilatingly moreish.

Jamie Fullerton

Don’t Look Back Into The Sun

Rough Trade

As this track demonstrates, even after the crack,smack, brawling,shaving,thieving, sentencing and various other EastEnders-through-a-blender shenanigans,the most thrilling thing about this band is still the music they make.

Jamie Fullerton

Time Is Running Out Taste

Another stunning effort. Undulating basslines combine with drivingly powerful choruses over which the vocals soar effortlessly,confirming that Muse are truly a band apart from the rest.

Luke Grahame

FINLEY QUAYE

Dice Sony

Attempting to marry folk music and so-called ‘electronica’ has resulted in many a fine record,but sadly,much that have sucked like an industrial ventilator. In this case, Dice is neither – it’s just mediocre. But then again,putting three nondescript artists – Quaye,Beth Orton and Orbit – on one record wasn’t going to add up to much,was it? Charlie Jenkins

Maps Polydor

There’s nothing in here about ramming your old dear with a length but this,according to the seductive imp Karen O,is a love song for all the motherfuckers. As uncreative as you’d imagine. Rich Samuels

Be scene not heard

The Union is relaunching Monday nights,and to celebrate they’re running an epic five-room

Factory,the Students’ Union’s new leftfield music night,is set to grab Mondays by the jaffas with a host of guests and a whole spectrum of music.

For the bargain price of no pounds (before 11pm),Monday night has never looked so good… Take an eclectic blend of hip-hop,breaks,drum’n’bass,indie and metal,add showcases of the best new music from top class DJs and live acts, and you have Factory - Wales’ freshest, biggest and best alternative music night.

Kicking off the proceedings is an epic night with five rooms of music,special guests including turntable terrorists the Scratch Perverts (Badmeaningood) plus party breaks and booty bass with Stereo 8 (Fingerlickin’ Records),and 3,000 boozehungry revellers added for good measure.

ERASMUS SOCIEY

Soyou’re in a foreign country,and you know practically no-one,you’re having to sort out where to live, where to go out,where to meet people – and on top of it all you’re expected to study! If this sounds familiar,the Cardiff University ERASMUS Society is here to make all that easier. We aim to bring together foreign students studying here at Cardiff University with “native” students who have or are going to spend time studying abroad,and those who simply have an interest in forming friendships on an international level. Through organising a variety of social events,from the traditional British pub crawl and themed parties,to informal sports events and visits in the local area to introduce visitors to Welsh culture,we hope that hints and tips about how to live and study in a foreign country can be exchanged,different cultures explored and lifelong friendships formed.

We promise that by the end of the year you’ll be downing your drinks to songs from all over the world! Come and sign up at the Freshers’ Societies Fayre for a year of ERASMUS madness!

For any further information email: catsakiris@yahoo.com

club night

Week in,week out,Factory will offer you some of the best resident DJs,affordable drinks and good times – all this and an eye-opening music policy to boot.

So get your dancing shoes on,or use your loan to buy some,and get down to Factory.

22/09 FACTORY presents SCRATCH PERVERTS & STEREO 8

6/10 FACTORY presents FREELAND LIVE

Free before 11pm,£2 after, non-NUS welcome (£3 all night)

Every Monday at Cardiff Students’ Union

Books

Ahem. Normally,this page would be full of top-quality stuff all about the magical world of books. A page jam-packed with news,reviews and lashings of booze dedicated to the word-weary shitstorm that is contemporary literature. (And if that’s not purple prose I don’t know what is.) Unfortunately,no-one was here to edit the page,as the term hasn’t actually started yet. This wouldn’t have been a problem were it not for the fact that we don’t have any reviews,none of the books have been given out,and none of us can read (we gave a very nice man an ice cream to type all this). Therefore,this is an apology and a somewhat belated attempt to save face. Ho hum. However,all is not lost. If you want to be a part of the nameless undead legion that constitutes the writers of his noble page,head up to the gair rhydd penthouse (fourth floor of the Union, just past Xpress Radio) on Monday

BOOKS: that’s right,burn the bastards. That’s what I’d do,anyway. (Above): the spiritual godfathers of Books,Karl Marx and Brian Blessed. All hail!

September 22,at 5pm,for our reviews meeting. Everything will become clear. Oh yes...

Culture vulture

Cardiff bosts an immense amount of culture,although sometimes it can be hard to root out - especially if you’re new to the city. To aid in your quest for the highbrow,here’s Quench’s guide to the best of the Cardiff art scene over the next fortnight.

1Theatre:

Peeling,Graeae Theatre Company

Britain’s leading company of disabled actors present an interwoven performance of audio description and sign language in this compelling play of bickering, gossip,sex,lies and recipes.

A play within a play,the characters are gradually stripped of their pretence,as a production of The Trojan Women unravels around them. A truly unique experience. September 18-20,8pm.

Tickets: £7.50,concessions £5

Venue: Chapter Arts Centre,Market Road,Canton,Cardiff,CF5 1QE

Box office: 029-2030-4400

Website: www.chapter.org

2Film:

All The Real Girls,dir. David Gordon Green

Set in a small,rural southern American town,innocent Noel (Zooey Deschanel) falls for her best friend’s brother,Paul, who is known as a bit of a scoundrel with the girls. This Sundance-winning film is beautifully presented with a haunting soundtrack to accompany the tale of a

simmering love affair.

September 5-18,times vary,108 min.

Tickets: £4.80,concessions £3

Venue: Chapter Arts Centre,Market Road,Canton,Cardiff,CF5 1QE

Box office: 029-2030-4400

Website: www.chapter.org

3Comedy:

Jimmy Carr,Martin Davies, Sean Percival and Al Pitcher

We don’t have a clue what these guys are like,but The Glee Club is Cardiff’s premier comedy venue,so go and check it out. Jimmy Carr appeared on Channel 4’s Your Face Or Mine with June Sarpong, the show in which couples had to give each other marks out of ten… mad,but he might be funny.

September 18-20,8pm.

Tickets: £8,NUS £5.50

Venue: The Glee Club,Mermaid Quay, Cardiff Bay Info: 0870-241-5093

4Art: A Photographic Exhibition of Legendary Images in the History of Cardiff City Football Club

Catchy title,but don’t let that put you off. Even if you are not a football fan,some of the photography is excellent,and it is also interesting from a historical perspective. The exhibition is self-explanatory, really; it comprises of a collection of photographs featuring key moments in Cardiff football history,ranging from the 1927 FA Cup win against Arsenal to last season’s promotion. This fusion of art and sport aims to bridge the gap between the two mediums and to dispel the elitism perceived to exist in modern art.

September 9 - October 10.

Tickets: free

Venue: Capsule Gallery,39 Charles Street,Cardiff Info: 029-2037-6195

Email: capsule@acidcasuals.com

5Dance:

Celebration Brazil!

From the Graeae Theatre Company comes an evening of music,dance and storytelling to launch a number of events

across Cardiff. These visiting Brazilian artists are celebrating 10 years of the patua dance and the cultural exchange between Wales and Brazil. September 18,8pm.

Tickets: Free

Venue: Chapter Arts Centre,Market Road,Canton,Cardiff,CF5 1QE Box office: 029-2030-4400

Website: www.chapter.org

6Just

for fun: Threatened!

Although this is categorized under ‘just for fun’,it is actually quite a serious exhibition,with the sub-caption ‘Plants and Animals in Danger’. But wait… the fun’s injected by the presence of Chris Packham. We’re not sure if he’s an exhibit or if he’s just there to talk,but the exhibition lasts for three months so he may be dead by the time it ends. Make sure you go and feed him - he’s a childhood hero of mine.

September 6 - January 4,Tue-Sun 105pm.

Tickets: free

Venue: National Museum and Gallery, Cathays Park,Cardiff Info: 029-2057-3500

Sundance winner All The Real Girls

The Force is strong with this one...

Digital puts its fanboy hat on to review

Knights of the Old Republic for Xbox.

By Gareth Lloyd, Digital Ed.

So then; another week,another crappy Star Wars game. What is it this time? Run around a set of identikit corridors dispatching storm troopers with blasters and the force?

Or perhaps another brainless space shooter with multiple vehicles and the inevitable snow level?

Not this time,Terence. SW: KOTOR (catchy,eh?) is a plot-driven role playing game,set four thousand years before the Star Wars films. It’s important to remember that this title has more in common with Final Fantasy than it does Jedi Knight; fighting is semi-automated,responding to your commands rather than direct input. You stack up actions using menus, and the oh-so-geeky rule set that sits under the hood calculates their likelihood of working (for example,whether your blaster shot hits that pesky Sith Lord and how much damage it does). It’s much less complex than it sounds

in practice,but one would imagine that this system is still going to put more than a few potential players off straight away. Get your head around it,though, and you’re in for a treat.

The plot,for starters,is worth the price alone for Star Wars fans (and is surprisingly accessible for everyone else). The ‘ancient history’ setting is a stroke of genius,and allows for a storyline free of the restrictions of continuity that obsessive Mr. Lucas enforces with the current films.

The dialogue is a revelation,too: succinct,intelligent and consistently twinged with humour. Even the voice acting is top-notch.

The visuals are always passable,and occasionally stunning; lens flares leap out of twin moons on a familiar desert world,and lightsabres light the way through dark caverns.

Whilst the core plot of the game is fairly linear (specific events are unavoidable),the player is mostly free to approach problems as he or she sees fit. Need something from those Sand People? Either try your hand at

StarWars:

diplomacy,or nab a disguise and sneak your way in to steal it. And if neither approach works,well,there’s always that customised,double-bladed lightsabre you’ve been meaning to try out...

Of course,your options are always limited to one of a number of actions, but the illusion is convincing: peaceful talks might turn ugly at a wrong word, and tempers can sometimes be calmed with a bribe.

Taking 30-40 hours to complete, there’s a lot of game here. The RPG elements are a curse and a blessing, in that some will find them off-putting but others will revel in the depth they provide. If you can make the necessary investment of time,this is the Xbox’s must-have title for the next few months.

Guns! Lightsabres! Lightning! A geek’s wet dream!

Resident Evil:Dead Aim gets undead

By James ‘Steady On’ Martyn

Alas,another Resident Evil video game has been handed down to us by the infamous Capcom. The first few installments of this series were,well,highly entertaining and

immensely enjoyable (seeing as you could cut someone in half with a shotgun). Nice. However over time this once fine franchise has turned bollocks... can Resident Evil: Dead Aim save the day?

Anyhow, RE:DA,as the name might suggest,is a light gun game; however it remains in third person perspective while you search the ship for clues and puzzles,only moving to light gun mode when you choose to blow the shit out of some zombies.

So you play as Bruce McGivern,resident badass,NRA member and bumfluffed facial-haired cop. You’re stuck on a boat,and guess what? Umbrella have done something which they shouldn’t have and the place is crawling with zombies. Luckily you’ve got a pistol... why don’t they start with a machine gun? If you were going into a zombieinfested ship would you carry a pistol or

Cardiff online

By Gareth Lloyd, Digital Ed.

Cardiff,forward-thinking city that it claims to be,doesn’t really have much of a web presence. A slick,high-profile Cardiff Initiative website has recently gone up ( www.visitcardiff.info ),but it’s more than a bit scant in terms of content. Here’s a quick guide,then,to a few sites you might find useful for getting your bearings on this dark city of ours if it’s your first week (seasoned veterans might also come across a few useful tidbits they might have missed out on).

As an information source,you can’t really go wrong with www.netcardiff.co.uk . Pubs,clubs, restaurants and cinemas (complete with a searchable database of film showings) are listed,along with more serene activities like walks and historic monuments. However,there’s very little in the way of opinion here, and the music listings don’t seem to be working yet.

www.itchycardiff.co.uk is more student-centric,and much better for current listings. There’s a lot more information about each entry here than on the previous site,so you can avoid those strange,brightly lit pubs with no dancefloor that play ear-splittingly loud cheese-pop at 7pm. Why,there’s even a section dedicated to smut. Marvellous.

Raising the tone a bit,now, www.arts4cardiff.co.uk provides comprehensive listings and reviews of arts events around the city. It’s a lovely looking site and it’s even got it’s own discussion forum,so pay a visit. This should also be the first port of call for Charlotte Church-stalking sickos. Sickos!

The next site started out as a resource for skaters,but blossomed into www.knowhere.co.uk ,and now covers ‘Stuff Only Locals Know’ for all the major cities in the UK. Most of the content for Cardiff (see www.knowhere.co.uk/178.html ) has been submitted to the site by visitors, and includes some pretty diverse topics: the skating information is still there,flanked by resources for budding musicians and gaming enthusiasts. There are also sections on hangout and hook-up spots,and ‘Local Heroes’ (containing details of the various weirdos who will invariably be accosting you on a regular basis as you wander the streets,like the legendary Shakey Hand Man).

Oh,and of course you should keep an eye on the Gair Rhydd website ( www.gairrhydd.net ) which should be receiving a right old rogering some time soon. By which we mean a redesign.

machine gun? See. But the main gist of the game is to take down as many undead guys that your ammo levels will allow.

But it’s crap,it really is. I was caned and finished it in two and a half hours. The puzzles were crap,it gave too much ammo,the levels were shit and most of all you couldn’t blow holes through people. What’s with that? I’m 22: I know if you shoot someone with a gun it will blow a hole through them,so why doesn’t it here? Thankfully I didn’t pay for this; if I had I’d go back to the store and burn it for selling me this piece of cack.

email grdigital@cf.ac.uk

Have You Seen..?

GR Digital’s weekly guide to those sites you’ve just got to see to believe.

#1 –

www.realultimatepower.com

“Hi,this site is all about ninjas, REAL NINJAS. This site is awesome. My name is Robert and I can’t stop thinking about ninjas. These guys are cool; and by cool,I mean totally sweet.”

Ooh look, another zombie

“He talks a good game”

Painstakingly monotonous applause occasionally threatens the tranquil silence as an umpire’s finger directs yet another England batsman to the dressing room. In the stands pro-establishment moguls gather to swill bitter and plot the revival of English cricket,whilst staring hopefully into the future as the sands of time trickle irretrievably into a desert of failed opportunities.

Elsewhere Tim Henman’s fist-pumping antics on Centre Court inspires a passionate roar of patriotism to drone out the voice of reason as a nation annually fools itself into buoying on the would-be British champion of Wimbledon.

Across the Channel in France,fans clad in the Union Jack and intoxicated on bulldog spirit loyally urge Kelly Holmes round the final bend of her 800-metre race to that elusive World Championship gold medal lying just a few painful strides away.

But reality kicks in and fends off Britain’s true national pastime: optimism.

The final English batsman looks on helplessly as the ball hits his stumps, sending the bails with a nation’s pride in tow to the ground,and ending another summer of disappointing cricket.

"Henmania" is little more than an embarrassing memory for those desperate enough to believe Sue Barker’s cringeworthy assertions that the much-hyped and suitably maligned man from Oxford would be the first British name on the trophy for over 60 years.

Whereas Holmes’ celebrations in the Parisian moonlight are not those of an athlete who has finally felt the precious touch of a gold medal on her skin. She joins her British teammates on the flight home without a solitary winner’s award to show for their efforts and fat sponsorship endorsements.

This process of self-delusion and devoted ignorance haunts our shores every summer,when resembling a population of amnesiacs the lessons of past failures are forgotten and we buy another one-way ticket to sporting disappointment. We want to believe that we can win.

As I sat in the Stade de France attempt-

Plucky Brits

Sports writer

of the

year Riath Al-Samarrai rants at Britain’s passion for losers

ing to chronicle the successes of a British athletics team striving to emulate the heroic feats of the Olympic squad from just three years ago,the disillusionment stung with added venom.

Dancing on the track,one could be forgiven for believing Holmes had achieved a career-defining victory in a major championship,but whilst the crowd paused unsure whether or not to join the victory party,order was restored. There was no David Blaine-style illusion. My eyes had not deceived me because Kelly did not

“Recriminations are as scarce as triumph and the tolerance we have for the underachiever is in abundance.”

win. Overtaken on the home straight,the Middlesex-based athlete had once again settled for second place,happy to add another silver medal to her esteemed collection - a compilation that would be a joy for any magpie to nest upon,but gold-diggers and serious competitors look elsewhere.

In a country where defeat is common, recriminations are as scarce as triumph and the tolerance we have for the underachiever is in abundance. Discontent is a condition that appears to be reserved for the realistic spectator,for whilst my colleagues and I rued the capitulation that saw a medal fade from gold to silver, Holmes was in ecstasy.

Likewise Sally Gunnell. Beaming with a nauseating blend of maternal instinct and delight,the BBC interviewer ignored the deep-hitting questions of the audience she represents,opting instead to smother the defeated with praise. It is very touching but the low expectations set in the sport are all too well represented by our empty trophy rooms.

Ditto on the lawns of London SW19,

"Tiger Tim" was well and truly tamed. On a surface and stage that destiny had configured for the Brit to reign supreme,the four-time semi-finalist and serial choker once again collapsed in a pressure situation. At the age of 29,Henman is running out of opportunities to emulate the great Fred Perry as a British holder of the golden trophy,but so long as Sue Barker remains on the BBC payroll Tim will keep a nation in suspense.

Each year the woman,whose 1976 French Open victory affords her a televised opinion,pleads ignorance to the claims that Henman lacks the temperament or steely nerve of a champion; rather,she heaps the hopes of a country too long starved of any notable success on his injury-addled shoulders. Quick to nominate him for future triumph,she is equally prompt in defence of his failures with the Bruce Forsyth-esque,"well didn’t he do well?" A phrase all too well rehearsed over the course of his 10-year career and effective in keeping the fantasy cycle ticking turning.

A country rich in tradition and plentiful with pride,Britain has given birth to and exported many of the most popular sports on the globe. As long as we tolerate the indignity of fallen wickets,quarter-final exits and silver medal celebrations,we will always be the land of the oh-so-nearly-men (or women),where the inhabitants reminisce of past glories and chase invisible rainbows; an imaginary utopia created by desperation to pave over the embarrassment of another British sporting summer.

Sally Gunnell: nauseating

Withnail and I

‘I feel like a pig has shat in my head’, according to Rob Plastow

By Rob Plastow

Atotal student classic,so what better way to introduce all you freshers to cult classic films.

I was introduced to Withnail in my first year and the more I watch it,the better it gets. It is a very simple concept: two alcoholic out of work actors and a fat gay man go on holiday by mistake. They proceed to dodge death,overdose and bug-

“Two alcoholic actors and a fat gay man go on holiday by mistake”

gery - not to mention fights with poachers and drunken Irishmen - the whole time off their heads on something or other.

Withnail is the token thespian. He’s scared of ‘matter’ in the sink so refuses to do the dishes,and instead spends his time drinking lighter fluid and constantly demanding booze or cake. From him come some of the best quotes in the film (and there are a load of outstanding quotes all the way through).

His stalwart companion is the narrator, known as ‘I’ (it was originally scripted by writer/director Bruce Robinson that he was to be known as Marwood). Loosely based on Dickinson,I is the figure of hope in the film,and his relationship with Withnail roughly correlates to Dickinson’s own relationship with fellow thesp Vivian McKerral. Robinson explained the relationship with McKerral as a very dear friendship doomed by misfortune:the pair were heavily into drugs and it was inevitable that it could not last. As we see in the film,Withnail remains static whilst I ends the film with a job and must leave him behind,a terribly touching moment.

Meanwhile the film deals with their

escape to the countryside to become reinvigorated. They never stop drinking, though,so wherever they are they are anything but invigorated. They stay at Withnail’s rich uncle’s house after a bit of sweet talking. Uncle Monty is an old homosexual thespian fatman who we discover has allowed the pair to stay at his cottage so he can surprise them in the night to bugger Marwood. The denoue-

ment of the film sees a bungled holiday,a rejected fat gay,more pissups and drugs then Ozzy Osbourne in his heyday and the relinquishment of a dear friendship in the plight to fulfil potential.

If you need one reason to watch this film then it could easily be to meet Danny, and his party sized blifter creation called the Camberwell Carrot. This is the same character as the roadie for Waynestock in Wayne’s World 2 (the one who beat a newsagent and his son in India to death with a shoe). Mike Myers had seen the film and loved the character too.

Withnail And I is essentially a characterbased story,both hilarious and moving, with what can only be described as an enthralling atmosphere. It was shot on a ridiculously tight budget with great passion and love for the story being told,and it shows. The angles and lighting,the music,all knit perfectly on a shoestring budget to weave a marvellously funny and endearing tapestry of friendship and debauchery.

Quotes

‘ I demand to have some booze’

‘We’ve gone on holiday by mistake’

‘Two quid? You can shove it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while your doing it!’

‘I can’t help being upset. As a youth I used to cry in butcher’s shops.’

‘ We want the finest wines known to humanity. We want them here and we want them now!’

‘I feel like a pig shat in my head’

‘Hairs are you aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into your brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.’

‘Flowers are simply tarts. Prostitutes for the bees.’

‘I’ve only had a few ales’

Summer has faded and with it a collection of hit and miss Hollywood blockbusters,which no one could be arsed to watch thanks to the awesomely sunny weather. (Unless you were the sad one who sat through all of ‘Gigli’ as Bennifer Lofleck gobbed off about how a cock is less aesthetically pleasing than a vag).

Fear not,as a new term starts and a host of freshers start looking for the UGC grasping NUS cards and a handful of two-for-one vouchers you found in the back of a magazine,you will find a fresh collection of cracking cinema releases also new to Cardiff.

Hollywood does not work in mysterious ways: explosions and totty in the summer, quickly whack a couple of films in time for Halloween to make people shit themselves and then release the good stuff so the Alzheimer’s-ridden Academy board don’t forget them before Oscar night.

Kill Bill

Dir: Quentin Tarantino

Cast: Uma Thurman,Lucy Liu,Daryl Hannah

The first release for Tarantino since Jackie Brown, Kill Bill is his tribute to Grindhouse cinema,classic b-movie drivein films. This is the first installment of what will be a two-part revenge drama full of high-kicking beauties,intense violence and tongues firmly placed in cheeks.

Amidst the intense fighting our bloodstained protagonist is the beautifully blonde Uma Thurman,kitted out in the same yellow tracksuit as Bruce Lee in Game Of Death (1978). We do not find out her name until she does at the end of the second movie. Sound strange?

That’s because Uma wakes up from a coma after receiving a bullet to the head on her wedding day,hence the revengefuelled massacre we see play out on the screen. Martial arts in a whole new Hollywood dojo.

PMT Kills Bill

Rob Plastow guides you through all the new releases

Intolerable Cruelty

Dir: Joel Coen

Cast: George Clooney,Catherine ZetaJones,Geoffrey Rush,Billy Bob Thornton

The Coen Brothers return with another effort to move from cult to box office busters,as of their work thus far only O Brother Where Art Thou? has received any notable cash on cinema release. So they called in Clooney to work his smarmy magic again. Hopefully it will work as the Coens are an institution of genius,as demonstrated so perfectly by Fargo and The Big Lebowski

This time we see the perfect role for The Mumbles’ very own Zeta-Jones,as we see her playing a scheming gold-digger,serially marrying and divorcing wealthy men.

Clooney is the lawyer who takes her on in the courtroom and finds himself taking things off in the bedroom as she picks him as her next pawn. Cue another fast-paced slapstick comedy with intricate schemes and the usual Coen dark flourishes.

Also out this month… **** Cypher

From the makers of Cube,another brainwashing thriller. This year’s Memento? Take a notepad.

*** The Italian Job Fun remake; different take on the original; in LA; not as charming as Caine’s.

****Belle-VilleRendezvous Cartoon. Have a joint and enjoy. Another classic from Metro Tartan.

**** Matchstick MenNicholas Cage as con-man battling insanity and lumbered with a 14-yearold daughter he didn’t know he’d spawned. Ridley Scott directs. Coming soon: Bad Boys 2, Exorcist Prequel, Scary Movie 3, Mystic River.

Kill Bill: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

ITV may not like Cilla Black,but we’ve signed her up to run our very own Blind Date.We may have made that up

So,the single life. It’s fun for the most part and we wouldn’t hear a word said against it,no sirree, though possibly because it would remind us that,yes,we are all single here at Quench as well. In our infinite generosity,though,we are setting our own love lives aside for the moment in order to concentrate on yours. Yes: this year, gair rhydd is proud to introduce Blind Date,our allnew matchmaking service. Send in your profiles,we’ll pair you off with someone vaguely compatible,and each fortnight we’ll pack one lucky couple off to A Shot In The Dark,Cardiff’s premier eaterie and a regular haunt of the GR staff. And all you have to do in return is tell us how it went.

For the chance to meet The One – or indeed The Two,or The Three – send in a profile of yourself including your name,age,year of study,course, hobbies,tastes and whatever else you feel may be relevant. Describe yourself and your ideal date,include a recent,clear photo of yourself and remember to put down a contact phone number and/or email address (indicate which is the best means of communication),and you’re sorted. Pop it in the purple boxes in the union lobby,or come up to the GR office on the fourth floor of the union,or email it all to grblinddate@cf.ac.uk – remember to label envelopes and email subject lines with ‘GR Blind Date’ – and we’ll do the rest.

A lot of laughs gair rhydd

Meet girls like our Anna

gair rhydd and Quench magazine will now be distributed each Saturday,with the next issue due on September 27. We have increased the number of pick up points to allow you to collect our publication more easily:

Aberconway Refectory

Atlantic Coffee (Albany Road)

Atlantic Coffee (City Centre)

Barfly Barker

Business School

Bute

Café Europa

Cartwright Court

Chapter Arts Centre

Column Road 130

Gordon Road

Humanities Library

Humanities Refectory

Kappuchinos

Law

Main Building

Maths Building

Med Club

Music

Physiology Refectory

Psychology Refectory

Redwood

Royal School of Music

Secretariat

Senghenydd Court

Sherman Theatre

Shot in the Dark café

Spillers

Students Union

Talybont North Laundry

Talybont Social

Talybont South Laundry

Trevithick foyer

UGC Cinema

University Hall foyer

WRC

Welsh Club

Dominos,Crwys Road

Pizza Hut,Crwys Road

Co-op Crwys Road

Subway Crwys Road

Tesco Extra

Tesco Metro,Albany Road

Sainsbury’s Central Virgin,City Centre

SPAR,Woodville Road

SPAR,City Road

T&A stores

The captain is out for lunch

Good morning,kiddiewinks! And what a lovely morning it is,as the sleepy backwater town of Cardiff basks in lazy sunshine… or at least that’s how it is if you believe most popular opinion on our city.

And like most popular,‘common-sense’ opinion,it’s an entirely fallacious picture. As for the Welsh Tourist Board’s portrayal – that Cardiff is a hyper-fashionable place,second only to London in terms of investments and all-round coolness – it reeks of cocaine-addled smugness,so much that you could line it up on a Japanese boy’s thigh. No,Cardiff lies somewhere in between. Well,the bits you’re going to see,anyway. So,although Cardiff reaches out for several miles,for all the student populace knows the entire city could be an elaborate movie set,with some shops and houses thrown in for a laugh. Even if you’re only intending to stay in Cardiff for three years,there’s no excuse for walling yourself up in the Cathays-based student ghetto. In fact,

your actual studies aside,it’s best to completely divorce yourself from university life. Go out there and have a look –you’ll find it a great education.

Now some of you may know me of old, and some of you are facing the grinding horror of my work for the first time. (For those wondering how the hell I am still a student after four years,I’m doing a parttime MA. So there.) And the good news is that with these reduced-size pages there’s actually less of me to read that before,apart from the various reviews and articles written under pseudonyms.

Ah yes. As you can see,this is the first ever issue of the all-new magazine,the printed equivalent of that ‘difficult third album’ bemoaned by musicians. Therefore you must forgive the odd lapse of quality or coherence,especially on this page. After all,it was this very column that received the most hate mail,real and imaginary,of the whole newspaper. This was probably because - as the case

is now - I had nothing whatsoever to write about.

Apropos of nothing,my friend tells me that Glasgow was in fact voted as Britain’s coolest city. So yeah,Cardiff: not as good as it should be. But then again, isn’t that the case in all things? I mean, just take a look at father. He used to come home roaring drunk and beat up the whole family seven days a week,but now look at him! He hardly even raises his fist any more! And coal just doesn’t seem to burn as brightly as it once did. Those teeth,which once cut through bone,sinew and rope,just don’t cut the mustard. And take a look at yourself,you maggot. God,you make me sick,seeing what’s become of you. As you gaze deep into the image of your ever-worsening decay,remember this: slowly but surely, everyone becomes what they most hate. Think on this,as the university lifestyle propels you into an ever-worsening vortex of ill health. That’s right,fatty,keep on drinking.

Your Horoscopes with Madame Cynthia

Libra

(Sep 23 - Oct 22) The divine dance of the stars makes a fateful intrusion into your life next week, when an overdue library ticket leads to homicide.

Scorpio

(Oct 23 - Nov 22) You’ve really done it this time,you little shit. If I really wanted to waste my time listening to your mewling cries for emlightenment,I’d tell you. Piss off back to Russell Grant,loser.

Sagittarius

(Nov 23 - Dec 21)

Mars’ intense rivalry with Jupiter spills right across the heavens, causing untold havoc. Oh yeah; for ‘rivalry’,read ‘jism’.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)

Crapricorn,more like. You really are the runt of the celestial litter. That said,those new shoes are awesome. Please tell me where you got them.

Aquarius

(Jan 21 - Feb 18) It’s often remarked that there is no such thing as a free lunch. But look over there! That man is giving away free sausages from his stall. They’re cooked and everything!

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 19) There’s definitely something a little ‘fishy’ about your sign these next two weeks. Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Get it? Oh,the

hilarity. You don’t deserve me,you know.

Aries

(Mar 20 - Apr 20) You have a choice between virtue and vice in the near future,a choice which will affect the course of your life for some time. I’ll give you a clue: it’s a choice betwen virtue and vice. Involving a drunken horse.

Taurus

(Apr 21 - May 21) Despite the urges brought on by the marriage of Venus and Saturn,you are not going to make any money as an animal pornographer. I mean it.

Gemini

(May 22 - June 21)

Admittedly it may give you good skin and keep the weight down, but your new diet of eggs,curry,prunes and refried beans will not endear you to others.

Cancer

(June 22 - July 22) Your habit of drinking nothing but blood during the daylight hours is anti-social as well as expensive. Why don’t you switch to gravy as I originally suggested? Gravy comes in more flavours,anyway.

Leo

(July 23 - Aug 23) Do you like fighting? With big strong macho macho men? Muscle men wearing sweaty leotards and Mexican masks? Yes? Well,you want next door. This is

the gair rhydd office,not Club Sweatrosexual.

Virgo

(Aug 24 - Sep 22) Why must you place so much faith in the effects of the eternal dance of the planets? Isn’t it much more likely that social and economic factors will be determining parts of your life? No? Okay... man in black,romance,horror, pilchards best avoided,blah de blah de blah.

Madame Cynthia is unavailable for personal readings,or indeed any other sort of meeting,because she’s not your little whore.