Quench Issue 26 - 6 June 2005

A L A B A M A 3

Danny Boyle Gay on bullying Power Dressing

OTP: The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion

Debate: It’s the cane for you young man

Mr Chuffy: Run - the hoodies are coming

Features: Come on in, the water’s lovely...

Interviews: Sin and Jessica Alba together...

Travel: More cities than Dickens

Gay: Homophobia begins at a young age

Fashion: Step into my office baby

Music: Summer lovin’ (but not Skye, damn)

Books: Like books? Alaska

Arts: Flamenco? That some sort of bird?

Film: Jessica Alba. Say no more, Sir.

Digital: How to waste time on the internet

Food: Tesco value? I taste a rat

Sport: Homegrown produce

Bastian Springs: Vorsprung durch terrible

Executive editor Gary Andrews

Quench editor James Anthony

Monkey editor,the son and heir Will Dean

Assisitant to editor Elaine Morgan

QE D

Here it is – the last one.

Writing editorials have been tricky. Some of them have got me into trouble,some have got me out of it. Some have been utter crap,but that’s because by and large they were written at four in the morning,and Mr Brain had fallen out with Mrs Keyboard,and they weren’t talking.

I have tried to avoid the really naff "...and if you turn to page 26,we have a cracking article on how much students like beer – fun times!" variety of editorials.

Following on the tradition set by my predecessor,here is a completely self-indulgent editorial,full of gratitude and good wishes to some of the people involved with this fair publication over this year (or at least those I can remember)… It’s a bit like the final track on Jay-Z’s Black Album

Tristan and Alex,thanks for kicking my ass into gear. Gary,Cheers buddy,that’s all I can say. Otherwise this whole column would be all about you. Tom,best of luck. Will, my very own little Gavin Arviso,you are destined for great things.

Geordie,I fucking told you it would be fun mate. Andy/Chuffy,here’s to next year and the radio project. Craig,despite your constant cultural references,I’m a bit in awe of your writing skills. Al,you have the hairiest ass I have ever seen. Speaking of ass,cheers Ian for all your hard work over the years. Sam and Jon: my Chaka Demus and Pliers. Dave A: Shabba! Travel Sarah,you can’t blame a man for trying. Adam, Skank on son,skank on. Xandria, dunno how you managed the interviews,but well done. Dr Matt, Bywater was right,you need a slap for all the right reasons.

John/Bastian,I hate you for being funnier than me,damnit.

Arts Debbie Green,Natalie Slater,Kim O’Connor Books James Skinner Columnists Bastian Springs, John Stanton Cult Classics Matt Turtle Debate Bethany Whiteside Digital Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Perri Lewis Features Emma Langley,Hannah Perry,Kerry-Lynne Doyle Film Craig Driver,Alan Woolley,Catherine Gee,Ryan Owen Food Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Lisa O’Brien

Interviews Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Himself Music Sam Coare,Jon Davies,Harry Shiel One Trick Pony Geordie Photography Luke Pavey,Adam Gasson Travel Sarah Cummins,Laura Tovey,Amy Harrison TV Will Dean

Contributors Paul Dicken,Will Talmage,Pippa Bennett,Cecilia Cram,Antonia Heath,Gavin Arvizo, Will Schmit,Nik Thakkar,Katie Brunt,Colm Loughlin,Gareth Paisey,Robbie Lane,Sofie Jenkinson, Joanna Griffin,Andrew Mickel,Bren Coopey,Ellie Cowley,Matthew Gray,Claire Johnson,Shell Plant, Nicola Tanner,Leah Heffernan,Andrew Mannering Photographers and illustrators James Perau Proof readers Xandria Horton,Tom Wellingham,Andrew Mickel,Laura Tovey Cover design Will Dean Thought of the week: Hello Dave. You are my wife now.

To everyone,I’m sorry for being a grumpy git sometimes,but look for me outside the office,and you’ll find me a different man. I’ve met so many quality people during my stint here,and I hope that just because I’m leaving I don’t stop seeing them. And finally,a massive thanks to Cat,because... she told me to. In 2005...noone died...In 2006...

( O v e r r a t e d )

( Hayfever Remedies )

No,they don’t only take 15 minutes to work you filthy lying advertising bastards,they take a fucking age to kick in and then they only last for a quarter of an hour. And even then,the sweet,sweet 15 minutes of relief per day only lasts about a week before they stop working and it’s back to allergy central: red,itchy eyes; alternating blocked and runny nose leaving speech impossible and sneezing constantly - basically fitting in as many of the Seven Dwarves as possible. I used to love summer (not the one from Neighboursbit young even for me) but now it’s a cocking nightmare and the drugs,as Richard Ashcroft once said,don’t work. I blame the Tories. Still,better to have a runny nose than a runny brain,as William Pitt may or may not have said to Prince George. Too many quotes? Yes,but there’s no Final Thoughts this week,see?

Revision is for gaylords. We’re supposed to learn all through each semester, not just for a couple of weeks before an exam. So that’s why my revision timetable before my only exam so far (Particle Physics) went as follows: 2 days before exam - get hammered in the Taf at lunchtime,make arse of self in gr office. Go home,attempt to revise. Wind up in hysterics at the futility of it all. Day before exam - Have a bit of a sit,followed by a break and then some lunch. Start revision at 8pm. Work for two hours,watch The Empire Strikes Back and then go to bed. Day of exam - Get up. Start listening to revision music while having a quick flick through the notes. Leave house,do exam. Sadly,I failed to learn anything much throughout the semester either. This is why I fuck up exams.

( Revision )

( U n d e r r a t e d )

During the short period when any actual work gets done,a suitable soundtrack is a high priority. The usual fare consisting of the combined power of Shakira,PJ & Duncan and New Model Army (for the few moments of ‘proper’ music) just won’t cut it,and silence can be deafening in a revision environment. There are a few things that work,the discerning man’s motivational musical exam-saviour of choice being O-Zone’s europop classic summer tune from last year, Dragostea din Tei. Not being able to understand a word of what the cheesey Moldovan grin-machines are banging on about is possibly beneficial. Other tunes qualifying as essential pre-exam numbers: the Top Gun soundtrack, Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger (obviously) and,for the harder exams, Abide With Me.

If I were ever stuck in Oz (the one with Tin-men and Scarecrows,not the surreal prison with that guy with dreadlocks in a wheelchair) this is what I’d be asking the Wizard for. It’s amazing how otherwise intelligent people,when it comes to comes to common sense,can be thicker than a whale omlette. For example, when you suspect that a certain local takeaway establishment gave a friend’s two housemates a nasty bout of food poisoning resulting in a trip to hospital, is the clever thing to A) visit said takeaway at the first available opportunity and have a big nasty kebab,or B) avoid the place like a big fat plague? Well the answer clearly isn’t (A). But that doesn’t stop thickos like me goading Darwinism into removing my genes before I have chance to breed.

( Common Sense )

( Revision Music )

King Arthur lived ages ago and once pulled a sword out of a large pebble. That made him King of the World,much like Leonardo Di Caprio’s skanky Irish character in Titanic thought he was, only Arthur’s bird wasn’t ginger.

She was a Celtic inhabitant of Britain,which meant she liked rugby and leeks,called Guinevere. On the sly she was shagging all the King’s men,or at least one of his less gay Knights,Lancelot. She wanted nothing to do with crusty wizard Merlin, however,despite his promises that he was ‘magic’ in bed (or whatever passed for beds in them days).

King Arthur was partial to a bet from time to time,and his knowledge of gambling led him to set up the first ever National Lottery in Britain.

Arthur and his Knights (except for Lancelot,who had been killed until he died from it) used the Lottery proceeds to build the biggest and most flowery city anyone had ever seen, and they called it Camelot.

Despite his wife’s slaggery,Arthur used his magic sword Excalibur to twat the invading Saxons,who were a bit like Romans but with harder Gods and bigger boats. Big enough even to withstand an attack byJaws,if Jaws had been made in them days.

The King also survived a quest to find the Holy Grail,a cup some mentalist once drank out of years before, but then got nobbled by his scummy Nephew in a bit of a civil war.

This is now a gash film,with Keira Knightley as the whorish Guinevere just about making it bearable.

Definitions of the word ‘tosser’: 1) “Someone who throws lightly (as with the palm upward)”, 2) “a person considered to be contemptible,unpleasant or difficult”. Both of these descriptions can be applied to the knobheads that quite literally litter the university and its surroundings.

As if lining the streets with halfempty kebab boxes,discarded cans and vomit isn’t bad enough,carpeting Cathays with copies of Quench and gair rhydd is apalling behaviour. Especially when it’s left open at one of my pages (unless they’re as dogshit as this week,in which case I’ll let you off).

If you don’t want to read it,then don’t pick it up. It’s not hard. Or, when you’ve had all the fun you can

from the paper,i.e. once you’ve read Letters and done the crossword, either leave it in the Taf for the next filthy student lucky punter,or if you must then put it in the bin.

Given the amount of work that goes into each issue (except these pages this week,which are dogshit, despite being sober in the office for the first time in months) picking up the paper or magazine only to discard it is an affront,but there’s no need whatsoever to add the insult of littering to the injury of not respecting our efforts.

In many ways,well,one,I hope my established Atheist beliefs turn out to be wrong,and litterers all go to Hell when they die,to be tormented in cruel and unusual ways with every copy ever discarded. Or just bummed.

Keira: Twice Knightley. Hahaha

Boys Own Vs The Bash Street Kids

STATE SCHOOL PRIVATE SCHOOL

Paul Dicken

Breeding a deliberate social hierarchy,institutionalising bullying and certain types of buggery,with the sort of homosocial bonding that is troubling to people who study the declining population – private,public, boarding,daddy-will-pay schools are no good thing.

Not having been schooled privately,and only having heard about them through second-hand black market information,I’m not in an entirely great position to launch a scathing assault on an educational system which provides the roots of Britain’s class structure.

Full of a young generation-landed-gentry,private schools surrounded by 70,000 acres of the sweetest sports ground seem to offer an elitist system allowing massively stupid, but rich,individuals to purchase a fine education where you are given ‘A stars’ after chapel on Saturday mornings.

Though this may sound slightly Marxist guerilla,private schools often mean that the ‘youth of the day’ go to school in a cocooned environment,largely surrounded by the white upper-class of their own ilk,while their parents are off making or living in loads of cash. This can hardly be much of an education. State schools are clearly a mile or so from being perfect but probably do generate a better sense of the real world.

Institutionalised bullying probably won’t be solved by blue bands,but may be eradicated if Cheltenham Boys and Ladies College are fire bombed while the attendees are at a tea party in the Cotswolds. Everyone was aware of bullying in their own school,but I’m sure it can’t be worse than the age-old system of beating your younger peers and giving them slave-like nicknames when they enter the first year,as if it’s a kind of learning curve for future social domination.

And finally,homosocial bonding. This isn’t necessarily homosexual,although fornication with older boys between the cricket nets is probably not unusual,but the fantasy that all-girl schools are a hive of lesbian activity is almost certainly a fallacy. Homosocial bonding,without being able to formplatonic friendships with members of the opposite sex,is on the whole incredibly unhealthy.

TWill Talmage

he myths surrounding public schools are spread far and wide,ranging from buggery to bullying,caning to cricket. Many of these divisive statements are nothing more than figments of a jealous peasant’s under-achieving imagination. I can say with a clean conscience that during my entire time at public school,I witnessed very little cricket.

Hatred toward these schools stem from an unbridled jealousy. Admittedly,the realisation that you’ve been dealt a crap hand and that someone else is holding all the aces must be a devastating and crushing moment in your life. Although please rest assured,money can keep you warm at night.

On average,people who go to public school are 83% more likely to correctly distinguish between beluga, sevruga and asetra caviar than someone who believes fish actually have fingers (98.3% of my statistics are fictional,but it lends a sense of authority to my otherwise weak argument). To paraphrase Damon Albarn,“We know our claret from our beaujolais.”

In the interest of a balanced debate,I could take this opportunity to verbally bash all those that went to more expensive public schools than myself. I could highlight the depraved acts of bestiality that go on behind the closed doors of Eton and Harrow. I could also go on to describe the furious masturbation practices allegedly encouraged by the staff at these asylums of inbreeding. But I won’t. Jealousy is a terrible thing.

As long as we live in a country where the highest bidder wins,public schools will continue to exist,offering the highest level of sporting and academic excellence. In a country where the lowest common denominator is frequently celebrated as the norm,it is refreshing to still have schools that force you to go further and be better than you ever believed you could be. If you would prefer to live in a country where we’re all equal,British Airways is offering some very competitive e-tickets to Cuba this summer.

Elitism: the way forward.

Chuffy Mr Chuffy Investigates...

How many yobs does it take to mug a granny? (There’s no real answer,it’s a rhetorical question)

Yob culture! Vandalism, drunkenness,debauchery,clown rape,happy slapping,lack of respect… Christ on a bike,it weren’t like that when I was a lad. Sure,we had the 1981 race riots but the good people of Brixton and Toxteth had the decency to sing the national anthem prior to attacking police and stopped midlooting for tea and scones.

Where has this flagrant lack of respect emerged from? Nutritionists argue amoral hyperactive conduct could arise from a diet high in E-numbers. Support for the claim has been found in a recent number census confirming a shortage in both the number eight and 18,403. Researchers believe families in lower socio-economic brackets have been eating these numbers as an inexpensive and effortless alternative to vegetables.

A distant weep from contemporary thuggery,yob culture began philanthropically in a mid 1980s microbiology laboratory. Scientists grew yob cultures believing that cloned yob embryo stem cells may be able to combat such neurodegenerative diseases as yawning and itchy vag. The morality of cloning,though,evoked widespread concern prompting the 2002 pre-construction by anthropological film maker George Lucas ‘Attack of the Clones’. However,as Lord Octopussy of Derby began his Court of Appeal ruling on the constitutional and medical issues underpinning cloning,four yob embryos escaped from the laboratory on the back of a mule. Within an hour of escape

“Don’t

the embryos had urinated up a war memorial.

Evidence of yobbery dates back to 15th Century Italy - a country in Europe. Early Renaissance painter Sandro Botticelli caused massive ecclesiastical disgruntlement with his Sistine Chapel finger painting Il chav di Nazareth. The Chav of Nazareth depicts a Stella-swigging Christ on the cross wearing a patterned baseball cap with the caption ‘é morto in modo da passiamo portare il Burberry’ (‘he died so we may wear Burberry’).

However,it was not until 19th Century Pre-Raphaelite re-appraisal that Botticelli’s symbolised irony - of ideology breached through enforcement of belief - was explained. This view remains contentious,with a Nairobi Priest recently calling Botticelli a "knob-brain".

The Chav of Nazareth depicts a Stella-swigging Christ on the cross wearing a patterned baseball cap

The increase in swearing and baseball cap-wearing has led to the exponential growth in gerbil buggery and general silliness. The prohibition of said items by the Bluewater Shopping Centre in Kent has met with widespread approval despite an overzealous dyslexic security guard ejecting a heavily perspiring gentleman buying a thong. The modern yob though can evolve through such restrictions,with many now entering the complex wearing sombreros and resorting to Shakespearean methods of insult such as thumb-biting.

In response,‘Mash It Up’ the potato and rave chain-store have taken the rather unorthodox measure of prohibiting shoppers who lack a facial disfigurement. Chief Executive Mash Gordon explained that "since people generally look quite similar,it’s extremely difficult to pin them for the offence. But if you catch someone

without a nose stealing a potato, straight to jail… do not collect £200".

The company has lost literally pounds as a result of yobs stealing a potato,keeping the edible tuber for a few days and then returning the item to the shop all green. Green skin potatoes can taste bitter and provide some digestive discomfort. Experts say,if confronted by green skin on a potato,simply peel it away.

Traditionalists claim Yob Culture can be suppressed in just one word‘corporal punishment’. Despite its lower rank,Corporal Punishment is more specific than General Punishment and often involves high pitched shouting and marching. Rightwing extremists advocate the more drastic standpoint of capital punishment for these mischief causing scamps. London is a capital,as is Addis Ababa. The yob is sentenced there for an hour on a diplomatic mission with a turnip.

The oxymoronic Conservative think tank has proposed a pharmacological alternative to ASBOs,with convicted yobs to be fed corned beef laced with traces of the Ebola virus. Due to the potential human rights implications of the legislation,the Conservatives propose to repeal the Human Rights Act, pull out of the UN and relocate the nation to a nearby solar system.

The yob problem may be on the verge of extinction,with ginger US sports tycoon Malcolm Glazer on the brink of an unlikely purchase. The Glazer family are thought to be finalising a price with Home Secretary Charles Clark for all UK yobs thought to be in region of £45. Yob-rights groups fear that the bearded mogul may be forced to flog assets such as polo-neck t-shirts and rings in order to meet extensive interest repayments.

Glazer plans to use the yob army in his quest for dominance of the South Pacific island country of Western Samoa. The volcanic islands are numerous and fraught with military complications. More worryingly,if any are killed in Polynesian tribal conflict,will you really care?

Festiv Festiv us us * *

02 Wireless Festival

Taking place in Hyde Park over four days in June,the line up is pretty impressive. Keane , Kasabian , Basement Jaxx and New Order each headline one of the four days, with support provided by bands including The Bravery , Roots Manuva and Supergrass. Wireless coincides with Glastonbury,so if you missed out on the big one,this is the ideal alternative. The four day split,though,means you can’t buy tickets for the whole event. It also means that there will be a distinct lack of tentage,so make sure you can find your way home aferwards!

Tickets: £35 per day,available from the www.wirelessfestival.co.uk

Dates: 24-25 and 29-30 June @ Hyde Park,London

- SKINT? -

If you can’t afford the ticket price, there are usually other ways to make an appearance - and no,they don’t involve robbing someone. You can volunteer at most festivals with charities such as Oxfam and Amnesty International. You won’t be paid,but the shifts are pretty flexible so you should still be able to catch a few bands. Also,try looking on the official websites for vacancies. Many of them recruit for stewardimg jobs and the like.

Godskitchen GlobalGathering

‘The only dance festival that counts’,GlobalGathering has been extended to a whole weekend after the success of its previous one-day events. The line-up includes Kosheen, Mylo and Paul Van Dyk. With its aim of uniting many musical genres,Global Gathering plans a diverse and varied night for Friday, with a more traditional DJ-led lineup for Saturday. Throwing in a campsite for good measure, GlobalGathering offers dance bunnies the chance to forget about the real world for a weekend.

Tickets: £90 weekend including camping,£37.50 Friday, £52.50 Saturday. Available from www.globalgathering.co.uk

Dates: 29-30 July @ Long Marston,near Stratford-UponAvon

WOMAD

Stands for ‘World of Music,Arts & Dance’ and promises to be a spectacular three-day event for all creatures great and small. Featuring music and loads of other cultural stuff from around the world, WOMAD is a celebration of diversity and creativity. As well as chilling to the sounds of Robert Plant and the Strange Sensation , Afro Celt Sound System and Richie Havens, festival goers can take part in workshops and sample the Global Village’s international-flavoured food and drinks. WOMADis bound to be full of mad hippies,and that’s not a bad thing.

Tickets: £92.50 weekend including camping,day tickets £29.50-£47.75. All prices given are for concession tickets,cos we’re students - yay. Available from www.womad.org

Dates: 29-31 July @ Rivermead, Reading

JAZZ CAFE PICNICS:Lemon Jelly, Royksopp and Nitin Sawhney @ Kenwood House,Hampsead,10 July and Marble Hill,Twickenham,14 August

BESTIVAL:Super Furry Animals headline @ Isle of Wight,9,10 and 11 September

EDEN SESSIONS:Keane and Basement Jaxx have sold out,but tickets are still available for Embrace and Ian Brown @ Eden Projact, Bodelva,Cornwall,19 and 27 August

The The un un usual suspects usual suspects

Escape to the park Compass Point

Music Academy Wales presents an international festival of urban music. This two day event focuses on upand-coming bands,so it’s the perfect place to discover the next big thing (before Radio 1 get in on the act).

As well as music,there will be a skate park and graffiti performances for you to check out. There are also free workshops taking place on the Saturday,giving you the chance to hone your own musical... talents.

Tickets: FREE

Dates: 30 July @ Cardiff BayTickets: £10. Available from Spillers Records (02920 224905) and Ticketline (02920 230130).

Dates: 5-6 August @ Coopers Field,Cardiff

Festivals aren’t just for the music lovers. In fact,there’s probably a festival for almost everything you can think of (there’s even a World Nettle Eating Championships,if that’s your thing). Here are just a few of the attractions on offer...

Notting Hill carnival

Europe’s largest street festival began over 40 years ago and has grown from a modest community event to a fullscale extraganza. The Notting Hill Carnival aims to reflect a multi-cultural and multi-racial society,whilst still retaining its trinidadian roots. There are five disciples at the root of the carnival tradition: Calypso,Soca,the Static Sound Systems,the Masquerade bands and Steelpan.

The Notting Hill Carnival keeps all of these elements alive amidst a whirl of colourful costumes and dancing. Last year’s carnival followed a theme of ‘Freedm and Justice’ so keep your eyes peeled for the theme of this year’s celebrations.

Tickets: FREE

Dates: 28-29 August @ Notting Hill,London

A dance festival which boasts a lineup featuring Paul Van Dyk, Eddie Halliwell and Roni Size in the Drum ‘n’ Bass arena. Radio 1 will be broadcasting from the event this year,which seems to be the stamp of quality for all festivals.

Escape into the Park has been hugely successful in previous years, and 2005 looks set for more of the same. Expect hedonism in large quantities.

Tickets: 29.50 available from www.ticketbank.co.uk For more information go to www.escapegroup.com

Dates: 11 June @ Singleton Park,Swansea

Rip Curl Boardmasters

One of the many sporting events that take place over the summer,the Boardmasters has the added bonus of appealing to the less sporty among us due to its combination ot surfers and beaches.

Boardmasters is the UK’s largest free lifestyle sports festival and features surf,skate and a week of partying.

The competitions that take place attract world-class athletes and one of the highlights of the event is the Rip Curl Men’s Five-Star World Qualifying Series with its prize of $100,000. Head to Newquay for a week of fun and beach frolics. Oh, and sport.

Tickets: FREE Dates: 1-7 August @ Fistral Beach,Newquay

MAS Carnival

Taking place in Cardiff Bay,this Caribbean-inspired carnival is good fun. Be prepared for lots of colourful costumes,world music and a great atmosphere.

Last year,Desmond Dekker took to the stage and did his rendition of ‘the Vitalite song’. Some say his was the original. They lie. The MAS Carnival isn’t exactly Notting Hill,but it’s still a celebration of multidulturaliam and we can always do more of that.

Tickets: FREE

Dates: 30 July @ Cardiff Bay

Edinburgh International Fringe Festival

It’s a bit of a trek,but this is going to be great. Longer than your average festival,the EIF takes place over three weeks and showcases theatre, music,opera and dance from all over the world.

Meanwhile,the Fringe,which features less well-known theatre and comedy,provides a whole host of other events. The Fringe prides itself on its programme of experimental and provocative performances,and has also launched some of Britain’s best-known comics,including Graham Norton and The League of Gentlemen. This is a must for all arty types.

Tickets: Ticket prices vary immensely depending on the type of performance you see. The best thing to do is visit the websites for information www.eif.co.uk and www.edfringe.com

Dates: EIF 14 August - 4

September. Edinburgh Fringe 7-29 August

A S h a r k ’s

Debbie Green gives us the low-down on the fishy fiends

It was the last day of my holiday in surfing capital of the world, Hawaii. But as I lay on my surfboard and watched for waves,there was really only one thing on my mind – Sharks. Well,that and the scaryarse theme tune from Jaws. This might make me sound like a bit of a drama queen,but I couldn’t help it. The day before,the large and rather daunting words: SHARK ATTACK had appeared plastered over every newspaper in sight. A windsurfer had been attacked in the bay next to our resort by a Tiger Shark (second on the danger scale only to the terrifying Great White).

I guess I’m quite stubborn. As I mentioned,it was my last day on the island of Maui and nothing was going to stop me from making the most of it by catching a few farewell waves. Having studied sharks for a school project,I truthfully reassured my friend that lightning is responsible for more human deaths than sharks and that sharks do not even like the taste of human flesh. Meanwhile,I couldn’t help but remind myself of the more negative facts.

I recalled that the majority of shark attacks are presumed to be a case of mistaken identity. Picture this: the shape of a surfboard with limbs dangling over the edges. Researchers believe that to a shark in deep water, this image can resemble a seal,which is consequently his number one tasty snack.

I had also read that bright colours and shiny objects attract sharks as they remind them of tropical fish and fishy scales. I cursed my purple bikini and the fact that I’d forgotten to remove my anklet. I was understandably paranoid and my anklet seemed to look shinier than ever.

Now,lets consider this logically, was I really prone to an attack? Or was I just being a drama queen? While shark attacks are often attributed to a mistaken identity,this does

males have been attacked than females. Before I get carried away with these stats and start ranting on about girl power,it must be noted that these figures may be biased since surfing is a predominantly male sport.

Despite these alarming facts,it is evident that sharks aren’t out to get us. Shark senses are so incredibly acute that if they really were human predators,there would be a hell of a lot more shark attacks. Still,since sharks tend to investigate with their mouths,there is never any harm in taking precautions.

Shiny swimwear should be a no-no “ “

not mean that sharks are friendly to humans. In fact they have been known to attack people in order to defend their space. How an earth can you tell which area is a shark’s space? Furthermore,the fact that I was a surfer made me statistically more vulnerable. During 2002,56 percent of attacks were on surfers.

Although I was a surfer,I was a female surfer. It would seem that males are more prone to attack as approximately ten times as many

Firstly,you may be able to forecast the presence of a shark and in this case,should obviously avoid entering the water. Besides signs of disturbance in otherwise calm water,the actions of wildlife can provide an indication as to the presence of sharks.

Be weary when seabirds appear swooping and diving. Also,watch out for silvery flashes – sharks could be driving fish towards the surface. It is a myth that sharks are never present near dolphins,so don’t be fooled by this old wives’ tale.

There are a number of ways to make yourself less-susceptible to attack. Besides steering clear of bright/shiny attire (shiny swimwear should be a no-no anyway according to the fashion police),you should also avoid uneven tanning.

Will Sharks will be lurking in your holiday destination?

Wales Cookie-cutters and Dogfish. Don’t worry, these sharks are just as harmless as their names suggests.

South Africa

The Bull shark,Blue shark,Shortfin Mako,Tiger shark, Sand Tiger shark and the Great White can be found here. Indeed,if you are paying a visit to South Africa and are particularly scared of sharks,I would avoid a trip to Amanzimtoti beach,which is labelled by some as ‘The World’s Worst Shark Attack Beach’.

Australia

A whole cocktail. Great White,Tiger sharks,Blue sharks,Bull sharks,Shortfin Mako (not really all that short,they are usually 4metres long) Copper shark and Hammerheads.

Research indicates that even the flash of a white palm can cause you to resemble a fishy friend in the muddled mind of a shark. You should avoid excess splashing and making too much noise as unusual sounds can be interpreted as wounded prey – a meal on a platter for a lazy shark. In addition,traces of blood are not the only bodily fluids that attract a shark’s attention. Vomit and urine are oddly appealing.

The fact that a shark is more likely to investigate a lone person than a group of people also means that it is a good idea not to leak any discharges into the sea.

It is sensible to consider where and when you enter the water. Steep dropoffs,narrow passes into tropical lagoons and channels into harbours are best avoided. Likewise,fishing areas and murky waters can be more dangerous. It is best to avoid the sea at dusk,dawn and night. Not only will you be at a disadvantage due to a lack of visibility,but some sharks are believed to feed at these hours and tend to enter shallower waters at this time.

Many researchers offer advice as to what to do if you find yourself in the presence of a shark. The most sensible advice that I’ve read is perhaps the most obvious - it is to try to move into a group,breathe slowly and move away from the shark slowly. Yes,it would be extremely hard to breathe slowly in such a scenario,but this advice is much better than that of other

New Zealand White shark,Tiger shark,Mako shark, Blue shark,Bronze Whaler shark, Thresher shark, Hammerhead shark and others.

Features 11

on the production of a battery-powered Shark Protective Oceanic Device – aka the Shark POD. This device aims to confuse the shark’s natural electrical receptors.

Originally designed for the diver,variations are currently being developed for surfboards,bodyboards,sailboards,canoes and life jackets. Unfortunately,there is a concern as to whether they will have a harmful longterm effect on the shark and have already been banned from certain shark dives.

India

Basking shark. One of the largest species of shark,yet also one of the most placid. Oh,and it doesn’t have any teeth.

researchers.

Indeed,one researcher claims that people must not swim towards a shark at an angle of less than 45 degrees (because you’ll really want to swim towards the thing while happen to have a protractor handy) This researcher also suggests that people should not attempt to touch,chase or ride the shark,but the surely anyone dumb enough to do this deserves to be attacked.

Some researchers say that if a shark appears to be coming in to attack you,the best thing to do is to whack it firmly on the snout,or,alternatively,to swim hard and fast towards it. Unsurprisingly others argue that this could provoke an attack. Besides,swimming towards an angry shark is hardly instinct.

Many researchers have been concentrating efforts on producing a shark repellent. However,sharks are still very much mysterious creatures and so these repellents have not been,shall we say,greatly successful.

For a while,divers were advised to dress in black and white in order to imitate a sea snake. That was until it was discovered that sharks actually eat sea snakes.

Meanwhile,the US Navy were issued with bottled copper acetate entitled ‘Shark Chaser’ at one point. Despite the effective name,recent tests have indicated that sharks might actually be attracted to the chemical.

More recently,the focus has been

Since Shark PODs and traditional metal mesh suits are expensive,some coastal authourities have been putting mesh nets under the water to prevent sharks from entering the bathing area. While there are claims that this method can reduce shark attacks by up to a whopping 90 percent,the nets are frowned upon as they are lethal and also catch other unthreatening sea creatures,such as dolphins.

Research continues with the aim of understanding sharks better in order to keep them at a distance. But it would seem that there is still a very long way to go.

FISHY FACTS

The youngest shark to ever attack a human was an unborn Sand Tiger pup. At the time,a biologist was studying the uterus of the pup’s dead mother.

Scientists are looking into the possibility that shark bile can help eye cataracts. The shark’s cornea may also be an effective transplant for the human eye,while dried shark brain could prevent human dental decay.

The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes (I confess,I learnt that one from a Penguin wrapper)

The three most dangerous sharks are the Great White, Tiger and Bull shark.

L o v e i s i n t h e a i r. . .

James Anthony meets Alabama 3’s Welsh connection,the inimitable Larry Love

People who haven’t heard of Alabama 3 have probably heard their music without knowing it. Their single Woke Up This Morning was used as the theme tune for The Sopranos. Its ubiquity has become a sore point for the band,since it’s become a simple metaphor for a complex entity. (Okay,don’t mention The Sopranos,don’t mention The Sopranos…) Larry,is there anything you don’t like talking about?

"Yeah, The Sopranos,the usual nonsense,brilliant… fire away mate,I don’t mind,I’m hung-over."

Larry Love (all band members have the surname "Love"),A3’s lead vocalist is in a jovial mood,and despite claiming to be worse-for-wear,his speech is peppered with sharp intakes of breath that can only come from intermittent drags on a "cigarette" (yeah,right).

Alabama 3 are a contradiction in terms. Country music fused with house music; preaching gospel with a dose of soft drugs; shunning success but craving the trappings and continuing to lambaste the music scene despite the release of their latest album, Outlaw,which may well push them into the limelight.

Depending on who you believe,A3 were either formed in the carefree rave scene of the late eighties,or a rehab clinic in the rave-comedown of the early nineties. Guessing the truth within the mythology is half the fun.

"I wouldn’t label Alabama 3 as mythology,more like piss-take. We’ve

always been into smokescreens –we’re not from Alabama and there’s not three of us – we talk in American accents and do hard-left communist country and western music.”

The Sopranos gig got them more coverage in the States than it did in Britain,understandable given the name and faux-Yankee accents – but whilst the Americans get the musical and cultural references,they miss the ironic jibes. "Yeah,I like that. To live outside the law you must be honest and I’m proud of our outside status,I don’t want to be accepted - any good artist has to remain outside the cultural Diaspora.

"We’re very clever at being stupid. I was talking to journalists before in America,and they’re not into the irony at all,but they know what we’re doing with the blues and country music,mixing it with dance music. We’re very serious,but I’m not one of those musicians that’s going to say ‘I’m a sensitive bastard,living with my parents in the attic’ - fucking get over it.”

Given their assimilation of rave culture and its hedonistic music,the backlash seems strange. "What I hate is,coming out of the underground rave thing in Wales,we were involved with breaking the law and it was a bit naughty,and then you got these hippies,60s acid – LSD was hijacked by hippies. Everyone was being mellow and rave culture was quite politicised,but to see all these hippies going on about making the same mistakes their parents made in

1968,fuck that – give me the Black Panthers and Altamont…"

This is the other tenet of the A3 doctrine: ultra-left politics. Music for them is first and foremost ‘amusement’,but that doesn’t mean it should be meaningless: "Coming from a mining community in South Wales,I was very much politicised by the miners’ strike and the school [Aberfan, crushed by an open cast mine landslide] so from an early age it was a normal attitude. But actually it’s better to get people’s asses moving to the left and right before you start talking about Noam Chomsky,rather than hitting them with boring politics,you know. People come to our gigs and go ‘who the fuck is Mao Tse Tung? Che Guevara? Who’s that?’ If you’ve got some young raver,and they come to politics that way,it’s better than giving them some boring political lecture.

"I think there has been a certain dumbing down of communities in the UK. Working class people in Italy know about opera – we’re very much dumbed down. Thank you Trisha,fucking Channel 5 and Men and Motors.”

Easy to point out the failings of society,but do Alabama 3 have any viable solutions? "Yeah,turn the telly off. Turn the telly off,buy an AK47 and a half-ounce of pure Bolivian and hang outside school gates… nah,I’m joking. Yeah! Guns,coke and – children,brilliant!"

Mickey Rourke is a fallen angel of the silver screen. Once touted as the next Brando,after blazing a trail in Rumblefish and Angel Heart,he instead chose a life of relative obscurity and professional boxing. Rourke though is a goliath of the world. An ancient gent who has finally returned a proper in the big screen adaptation of Sin City.

When asked where he’s been in the last decade Rourke is dry and softly spoken in his reply. "I had a few things to sort out and fix. It’s taken me 14 years to do but I did it.”

When the subject of his tendency to irritate and intentionally sabotage projects comes up Rourke is honest to the hilt. “You know it was never really fun to work with directors when I was younger and they were older than me. I had a hard time with authority figures anyway so working with these older guys I found it difficult. I had a marvellous time working on this movie. These young guys are fearless you know and they’re glad, they don’t give a fuck. I mean,as I say about Robert,he swims in water that no one else has swam. Plus you know I like the cowboy hat."

Throughout his career and personal life Rourke has been championed for his physical prowess. Taking on the hyper-physical role of Marv,a brutal down-and-out neolithic gent,in Sin City was slightly different for the ageing actor. "You know the physical scenes in movies. I’m quite happy to let the stunt guy do it. All that physical stuff. It’s really technical you know. There’s a lot of choreography involved. Some stuff. I don’t really

like to do what people expect me to do you know? I used to do all that physical stuff in real life with boxing but I'm just happy to let others do it now."

Taking on the role of Marv called for Rourke to undergo hefty prosthetic alteration to achieve that chiselled granite chin. "There’s a sound stage in Texas and all that prosthetic and make up. By the time it got to lunch. You know they all said you can do it in an hour and ten minutes. I mean who can do that much prosthetic make up in an hour and ten minutes. If I was in there an hour and an half I’d suddenly see Robert’s wife

FilmDesk’s Craig Driver and Alan Woolley talk to Mickey Rourke about his new role in Sin City. They have great strip clubs in Texas“ “

Mickey Rourke as anti-hero

Marv in Frank Miller’s Sin City

coming over to the trailer and I’d know I was in trouble."

Taking on Marv meant taking on the dreaded CGI green screen. Rourke though is quick to point out that it never really became tedious. "Well the most important thing is that I wasn’t bored. Most of the time I didn’t even know what I was doing. I was just listening to Robert. He directs,he holds the camera,he does the music. I had this one piece of music on set that I would listen to when getting into character. They couldn’t use it in the movie as it was too expensive. It was a Johnny Cash song Hurt. It’s actually a remake of a Nine Inch Nails song but whenever I was doing a voice-over that would help me get into that Marv place. That took me there,that was my time machine."

Filmed out in the plains of Texas at Robert Rodriguez’s private studio the work sometimes took second place to more jovial activities. "I took home some leather pants. I took home a pair of trousers. They have great strip clubs in Texas. I would have my fan club come up and get the girls to help me out. Do you want to know something a bit more interesting. They have a seventeen inch Marv Doll that’s fucking realistic man…"

At this point the publicist steps in and stops Mickey dead in his tracks. Always playing devil’s advocate Rourke is one of the last great screen icons of our age. Love him or hate him you can’t really ignore him on this form. While other actors of his generation falter at the final hurdle Rourke is only just starting all over again.

Jessica Alba is a lady in demand.

For Sin City Robert Rodriguez snapped her up to play stripper with a heart Nancy Callahan. Coming soon Alba is to appear as Susan Storm aka The Invisible Woman in the film version of cult comic The Fantastic Four. She is a lady of seemingly impeccable taste.

Playing a stripper who dances nightly on top of a bar in a seedy side of town called for Alba to master the fine art of lassoeing. When asked how she managed with such a difficult task she is quick to explain her craft. “You know it’s like walking and talking and doing many other things at once,trying to keep to a rhythm,and also I didn’t know what rhythm it was going to be. I was wearing leather chaps and it was 90,000 degrees and they were sticking in very weird places. My character in the comic is naked but for leather chaps so at least it wasn’t that bad. Robert always sets a really good environment so if you’re doing something overtly sexual it never feels gross or anything. It was artistic and I felt like I was doing something that was really cool."

you know that was helpful. There was a lot of ‘Oh that looks good’ and ‘That looks a bit stupid’ It took a while to get the right look.”

Naked but for leather chaps “ “

In the boiling sun of Rodriguez’s Texas studio the daily dance routine soon took its toll. "Once Robert said ‘cut’ I simply and elegantly fell down on my belly at the edge of the stage just because it was so hot. It was 4.30 in the morning and everyone else had gone. It was my last day and I just collapsed. I was so happy it was over. I did a lot of practising in the mirror though at the Four Seasons hotel so

With Sin City under her belt and the imminent release of The Fantastic Four Alba has been saturated in CGI recently. Alba is quick to state which of the two experiences was more enjoyable. "In Sin City it was all about acting with the actors,all my scenes I had some kind of interaction. With The Fantastic Four there were times when it was completely CGI so that was pretty horrible. It took about three days with all these weird little balls all over me and doing the same emotions for three days over and over again. I definetly felt very vulnerable. From the blink of an eye to where and when you inhale. At one point on Sin City it was a tear falling down my left cheek down my face and across my right cheek. How the hell do you do that? We were putting ourselves in the moment emotionally all the time so it was a little nerve wracking. It was like ‘Oh my god I hope I do a good job because I’ve always wanted to work with Robert. I was so glad he hired me and Ireally want to work with him in the future."

Jessica Alba is a woman on an upward curve. At once beautiful and charming she makes a refreshing change to the current crop of feminine sass strutting their inflated ego centre stage. Whether bound in leather or dressed in conservative garments Alba is a woman to watch and admire.

Clive Owen is English through and through. The character he plays in Sin City,the ultraviolent hearthtob Dwight is all American. When asked how the hell he got the part Owen is like a kid in a candy store.

“Robert rang me up and said ‘we’re doing this movie called Sin City.’ He sent me a bunch of Frank’s graphic novels and a five minute film that he had shot which was the opening scene and told me he’d started shooting with Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke. Benicio Del Toro was going to be in it,Quentin Tarantino was going to be in it so basically I jumped at it."

Seemingly now in the big league Owen is quick to state work is just work. "I don’t think it’s ever really about trying to top this. It would be wonderful if this level of work could be sustained. For me success has always been about working with the most creative,interesting people and I’ve been having some fantastic opportunities recently. I welcome those opportunities.”

When asked about the rumours concerning James Bond Owen refutes any such notion. "Its never been confirmed. It really is just a rumour. I can’t really say anything about it at this time.” At this point Robert Rodriguez butts in. “That’s not what he asked Clive,‘If you were offered the role would you take it?’ He actually asked a better question than most.” Owen responds in typical English fashion. “Fuck off Robert,leave it.” Always the volatile gent Owen is thankfully not as stoic as he would first seem. Dwight

(Clive Owen) in original comic book guise

2 Years Later

Film desk’s Ryan Owen talks to filmmaker Danny Boyle about his past,his recently released film Millions,and his future projects...

Danny Boyle brings us new film Millions,an irreverent departure from the scarily horrific 28 Days Later.

On inspirational films,Boyle tells me about the experience of seeing the then banned A Clockwork Orange as a teenager,which left an indelible mark on him. He also talks about being inspired by British filmmaker Nicolas Roeg,who made an extraordinary set of films: Don’t Look Now, A Man Who Fell to Earth starring David Bowie,and Eureka, during a ten-year period. He also tells me about contemporary films that are innovative, "Intacto,a fantastic film,but also a Chinese film called Blind Shaft."

Does that make him ever feel like going back and tinkering? "I don’t like what George [Lucas] has done to The Star Wars Trilogy. Even though he might cringe at them,I think he should have left them. It doesn’t spoil them. In a funny kind of way George,I think you’ve spoilt them by making them technically better,and the three new films are technically dazzling,but really not that interesting.

“

Boyle takes on British filmmakers, "there's a female director called Andrea Arnold,who won the Oscar for the best live action short Wasp,and its an absolutely amazing and extraordinary debut. Michael Winterbottom from Blackburn makes great films. I really like Guy Ritchie because he makes popular films for a big mainstream audience,people will turn out for a Guy Ritchie film,unless its got Madonna in it,of course!"

After talking about influential films, I asked whether it was easy for him to watch his own. "When you’ve made a film,you cringe a bit to be honest, and you are never happy with it,the bad things are all you can ever see."

Through the imagination you can go to places where you couldn’t go if you stick to

truer realism

Danny Boyle had a lot of fun whilst making Millions,his favourite moment being when the two kids are on the Internet looking at bras. "It’s funny because they only have a vague idea what they are looking at. You’ve got the one kid who thinks he understands women and money,and then the other kid who knows everything about the Saints."

Boyle adds "The two boys were cast as ‘kissing frogs’... no kids were kissed or anything! It’s when two unknowns are cast in the hope that one will be great. We actually didn’t audition the younger kid because I felt we had a connection... we both had big foreheads."

As we talked about using child actors,I asked him about the lighthearted nature of Millions. He describes it as Shallow Grave for kids, but he actually promoted it as Amelie crossed with Trainspotting.

So what plans does Danny Boyle have for the future? Actually there is a possibility of a Trainspotting sequel. "It would be based on the book Porno around the same actors and characters set 20 years later. These hedonists would be dealing with baldness and middle-age whilst Begby leaves jail looking for revenge upon Renton”. Boyle sees the sequel as when The Likely Lads,did Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads. “The only problem is they keep having spa treatments and facials,so they’ll never look old."

There's also talk of a possible 28 Days Later sequel,called 28 Weeks Later,set six months after the original film. "It would be set in a zombie apocalyptic world where Britain is left dormant,the Americans reboot the island and would be helmed by Intacto director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo."

“

People don’t go and watch technical stuff,they really appreciate human involvement,those storytelling moments where people connect and explode."

I ask about the way Millions tells its story in a very Burton-esque manner and Boyle reflects,"My films are realistic,but I always try and push the reality and make it a more vivid colour. Through the imagination you can go to places where you couldn’t go if you stick to truer realism and that’s what I try to do."

If that wasn’t enough Danny is also working on a film set 50 years into the future,called Sunshine. It’s a sci-fi where eight people embark on a space mission to re-ignite the sun. "They take a bomb the size of Anglesey and the story is about what happens to them when they get there."

Finally,inspired and drunk I walk to the station with him,talking about The Clash and his likeness to Morrissey You couldnt meet a nicer guy to have a pint with,plus,he is Northern! Millions is out now,review on Page 45.

200 reasons why you can afford to get away this summer

With student debts at record levels Pippa Bennett has hunted out five cheap summer breaks for £200

When money’s tight,Eastern Europe is the obvious place to start. Countries like Slovenia,Hungary and the Czech Republic are safe,have reliable transport and,most importantly,are cheap. I’m recommending a five-day break to Budapest,the ‘Paris of the east’. Wizz Air (www.wizzair.com) is the best low cost airline to Hungary and flights start at £50 return. A good place to stay is the Astoria City Hostel www.astoriacityhostel.com,which for £9 a night offers free breakfast and Internet. With travel this cheap,you can afford to spoil yourself when you get there by visiting one of the calming thermal spas at the Király Baths. Budapest is an adaptable creature,with one of the world’s best opera companies for the culture vultures,as well as brilliant bars and shopping (it’s famed for its jewellery shops). For the backpackers among you the Eurodomino pass (www.railchoice.co.uk) gives you 5 days of rail travel throughout Hungary for £59,so you can hop around,visiting places like the impressive Lake Balaton,100km from Budapest.

For cheap hedonistic sun seeking,be prepared to self-cater. The cheapest deals are to the suntrap hell-holes of Europe,but July breaks to the Greek island of Crete are just £189 at www.statravel.co.uk and last minute trips start at £109. Crete is the perfect modern Greek Island, with ancient historic sites - as it was the birthplace of Zeus - but also great beaches and bars in the western cities like Hania. As one of the biggest Greek islands,Crete also has wilder, unexplored corners for those who crave a lessertrodden track and the mountains in the south of the island,where the air is full of wild fennel, offer days of hiking. A good guide to Crete can be found at: www.greeka.com/crete. If you have bit more money to spare,the best thing about Crete is having the chance to lazily hop around the nearby islands – but take a tent because accommodation can never be guaranteed.

If bunking with seven snoring strangers isn’t your idea of fun then pick the week you want to go away, but wait until a fortnight before to book to make the most of the late deals – you will be spoilt for choice and can always find luxurious 3 or 4 star hotels opening their doors for pennies. A favourite city of mine is Barcelona and at www.lastminute.com and www.travelocity.com,3 nights cost around £180. You can keep day-today living costs low as there are good metro and bus systems and the tapas are cheap and delicious. Whilst the main attractions in Barcelona are expensive,it is easy to find things to do for free. Gaudi spotting is a sport that gives you a sore neck as you crane to see the coloured tiles,but costs nothing. Then,if you are an art lover,you can trawl the commercial galleries of the Gothic quarter before visiting the ‘El Quatro Gato’ – the bar made famous for being Picasso and Dali’s favourite.

R o m a n i a

I have scoured the net for something different,and this holiday definitely delivers. For £200 it’s easy to assume there’s no chance of something bespoke and exciting,but at www.responsibletravel.com amazing destinations are available,all with the added bonus of being linked to ecotourism. Romania is often referred to as the ‘old Croatia’ it shows you why everyone’s falling in love with the Balkans now that Croatia has become so expensive and exclusive and is basically a bloated St Tropez. To get there cheaply,fly to Budapest,then catch a train to Bucharest,Romania’s capital. The trains are reliable and wonderfully cheap with this journey costing £40 return and trains can be booked at www.bahn.de. For an unforgettable five night break,head straight for the infamous Transylvania. Here,I’ve found a too-good-to-be-true B&B,run by a real Transylvanian Count and his family. The hotel employs 14 families,is furnished with Romanian antiques and all the food is locally produced. The hotel even runs bear watching,hiking,horse riding trips through the Carpathians and the family will take you by horse-drawn carriage to the local town. Prices start at £15 p.p p.n for a late deal! Find out more at www.transylvaniancastle.com.

Ke

n t things to remember!

I’ve always believed that our addiction to the exotic can blind us to what’s on our doorstep. It’s a cliché,but there is so much to see here in the UK and heading abroad often ends up costing more and being less enjoyable than a UK trip would have been. As this is about unusual ideas though,I will assume the links in this article can guide you to UK breaks by the sea,B&B’s in Snowdonia,and hostels for fast-paced city breaks. Instead,because 2005 is the year of the volunteer in the UK,with the help of www.payaway.co.uk,a database for volunteering holidays,I’ve found the 3H fund www.3hfund.org.uk

The 3H fund is an organisation that takes physically disabled people for holidays to give their carers a reprieve. For every holiday they need several volunteers to help the 2 full-time carers and nurse. It costs just £60,and there is the chance of a training day before the trip leaves. Additional costs are just travel to and from the fund’s base camp in Tunbridge Wells,Kent. It’s a fantastic experience to get involved with these people and the Lake District,just one of their destinations,is beautiful any time of the year.

-Don’t be scared to go somewhere you’ve never heard of, just do your research before you book. A good starting point is the Thorntree on the Lonely Planet website, www.lonelyplanet.com

-For the best hostels worldwide, try www.hostelz.com where users can leave unbiased reviews so you won’t have any nasty surprises.

-ISIC cards are international student discount cards that give you discounted entry to attractions in almost every city in the world and cost just £7 at www.isiccard.com.

A Van-tastic Adventure Travel

What do you get when you have a rusty old van and a map of New Zealand? Cecilia Cram and Antonia Heath find out...

Take one camper van of dubious mechanical pedigree,a limited music collection on constant loop and conversations about a certain catchphrase host and you have this trip to the land of the free - New Zealand - in a sheepskin.

We had talked about going travelling in our gap year and for some reason both decided on New Zealand (Lord of the Rings swayed my vote). We had both saved every penny,sacrificing any social life and our dignity for the trip. Finally leaving Heathrow,it all seemed worth it.

On arrival in Auckland our lack of agenda for the next two and a half months suddenly dawned on us. So that night over a pizza and a beer,we decided the best way to do New Zealand,was to buy a van. We wouldn’t have to pay for travel or accommodation and we could do exactly what we wanted,whenever we wanted. We would travel up and down the North Island,then down and up the South Island,before catching the ferry and driving back to Auckland.

Early the next day we went to the tourist information to find out how we could buy a van. A generous woman informed us there was a car market ‘down town’ in a disused car park. We stumbled across what

age travellers’ gathering. We had found the car market. There were about fifty vans for sale,each owner assuring us theirs was the best deal. Eventually we found one – ONO (or nearest offer). The van itself was a white,Mitsubishi Delica with decorative rust and what could only be classified as donut tyres. In our youthful enthusiasm,we neglected to notice the lack of a wing mirror,the door that did not shut properly and the primitive suspension.

ONO came with a bed constructed by a previous owner,one stove,various culinary implements and two crusty mugs. It was in these that most of our supper for the next two and a half months was consumed. This was mostly budget rice and tinned curry sauce,packaged noodles,porridge or sandwiches.

We left the bright lights of Auckland behind us and embarked on our journey. Immediately we were struck by just how massive and under-populated New Zealand is. We would drive for hours,only passing a few cars.

We would spend about five hours driving a day,which sounds deathly boring,but every day we drove through beautiful forests,passing breathtaking landscapes; the scenery was so diverse. One evening we parked on a grassy knoll that led down to a beach. Minding our own business,we were soon joined by Stuart,a divorcee from Scotland hoping that a trip in a van would mend his broken heart. He seemed to have befriended us

but,frankly,we were frightened by his keen sincerity and for a long time afterwards,any van seen driven by one man was hailed with 'That’ll be Stuart!’

The weather was cold and we spent a lot of time jogging on the spot,trying to keep warm,drinking tea and talking about Roy Walker. ONO retained no heat. Sleeping bags failed to eliminate the burning sensation taking over our hands and feet as we listened to our eclectic musical collection which consisted of about four tapes. We had only brought them to keep ourselves entertained on the flight over. Try and take what was initially supposed to be five hours entertainment and stretch it over a period of ten weeks. Are you still humming along to the songs? Sadly,we were.

We often picked up hitchhikers,one of the most memorable being a hairyfaced lad called Jerone who appreciated the other side of trance music and kept a hell of a lot of lipstick on his person. On account of this last fact, we decided that we could wheedle ten bucks off him. Lipstick is not a necessity; frankly petrol is. As we were admiring the waterfalls and the beautiful low clouds,another hitcher came bouncing over the horizon. It was Prashant,a rather lovely Indian boy, who could only be described as looking like a trophy,or perhaps even two teapots fused together. It was the ears.

With such characters to keep us entertained,the two and a half months flew by. We reluctantly left ONO with heavy hearts and his one wing mirror glimmering in the sun.

New Zealand Traffic Jam

Bad Education

Quench investigates the effects of homophobic bullying in Welsh schools

By Ian Loynd Gay Editor

Homophobic bullying in British schools is endemic.

Westminster has expressed serious concerns regarding its effect on pupil well-being and Whitehall guidance urges teachers to combat it. But what are schools doing to safeguard their students and staff?

As a Post-Graduate Certificate of Education (PGCE) student,I empathise with the significant challenges and demands of the teaching profession. Pressure,however,does not excuse the tolerance of homophobia. Young people in Cardiff – and across the UK – are being denied the protection of schools and are suffering at the hands of an ignorant population.

The use of the word gay has become frivolous and,almost always, has negative implications. Homework is gay. Maths is gay. The quiet boy from 9P is gay. This language goes unchallenged everyday in the classroom.

Impact on learning

As an educationalist,my priority is the learning and progression of the individuals in my care. Pupils who are isolated,intimidated or whose sexuality is not recognised cannot fulfil their learning potential. Three-quarters of young LGB people play truant to avoid bullying at school and they are less likely to continue in post-16 study. Importantly,we must recognise that heterosexual pupils also suffer as a result of homophobic bullying.

Dr. Alison Parken,Director of Stonewall Cymru,told Quench "It’s a very sad fact but homophobic bullying goes on day in day out in schools,colleges and universities in Wales. Research shows that [it] increases the likelihood of truancy,self-harm and suicide by young people,lowers educational attainment and damages self-esteem."

Homophobia and the law

Section 28 of the 1988 Local Government Act has been erroneously

interpreted as that which banned teachers from openly discussing homosexuality. However,it did not apply to schools and has since been repealed. In truth,schools have a legal responsibility to safeguard the emotional well-being of all individuals in their care (Children Act 1989). Head teachers and governing bodies have a further duty to implement procedures for the prevention of all types of harassment.

Why then,do only six percent of British schools have anti-bullying policies which address the issue of homophobic intimidation? Perhaps staff are unaware of its extent and effects. Perhaps they do not care.

There exists a need for a clarification of the laws designed to protect young people; tackling homophobic bullying must be explicitly made an obligation of all teachers.

Gender inequality

Homophobia,in its subtlest form, can be expressed as sexism. Gender inequality is veritably advocated by

By Ian Loynd Gay Editor

The implications of bullying - of all types - should not be underestimated. I see its wholly negative effects everyday in my classroom.

If you would like further information about any of the organisations mentioned in this article,please contact me at the usual address.

teachers,pupils and parents and almost always to the detriment of boys. It is not uncommon to overhear staff room conversations which describe ‘the underachievement of boys’ or ‘a good class,if it wasn’t for the boys’. Are we to assume that all boys are the same? Are all girls? Replace the word boys with a racial term,and immediately the phrases become unacceptable.

nerability of LGB people as a result of harassment and bullying in the way they provide their services to students."

Gender inequality of this type in schools teaches young people nothing of the dangers of generalisation and of damaging stereotypes. It sows the seeds of homophobia and is wholly unacceptable.

An immediate danger

It is a mistake to think that,now you have left the primary and secondary education system,you should not be concerned about homophobia in schools. University,after all,is an educational institution in which individuals may be equally as intimidated by the ignorant few. Dr. Parken,of Stonewall Cymru,reports that "Universities need to address the vul-

“Universities need to address the vulnerability of LGB people”

The inquest,last month,into the tragic death of 13-year-old Laura Rhodes from Neath is a telling indication as to the extent of the problem. After taunts of being a ‘fat dyke’ by her peers in Cefn Saeson school, Laura swallowed 46 pills. She died two hours later in hospital.

Homophobic bullying knows no borders. It knows no age. All young people are at risk and we must play our part in ensuring that intimidation of this type is minimised.

Gay 23

NATIONAL LOCAL AND CAMPAIGNS

Youth Link Wales Sexuality Project

This Caerphilly-based projects aims to encourage and enable young people in Wales to make ‘safer choices’ in the exploration, discovery and identification of their sexuality. It will target 14-25 year olds with an interest in how they,or their peers,experiment with sexuality.

The project is in its early stages but promises to have significant impact through its peer-led sessions.

Stonewall Education For All

This UK-wide campaign is led by Stonewall in partnership with FFLAG and LGBTYouthScotland. The aim is to promote a ‘Safe learning environment for all’ through challenging homophobia in schools.

It will promote the use of accurate information about LGB people and their experiences and the creation of a favourable environment to address marginalisation and invisibility of young LGBpeople. www.stonewall.org.uk/educationforall

EACH Freephone Helpline

EACH (Educational Action Challenging Homophobia) is a Bristol-based organisation offering a UK-wide freephone helpline.

The organisation recently cohosted a conference with the National Union of Teachers and aims to give young people the confidence to seek help.

0808 1000 143

With the prospect of job-hunting looming over Cardiff’s latest graduates, Fashion offers some valuable advice for the best in interview wear

In the cruel world of the workplace you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. For the first few seconds of an interview,your appearance is everything. Dressing yourself in the right outfit is the first step to getting hired - the key is to appear professional and organised. However,this advice is a just a guideline - while a conservative look is usually best,remember that the interviewer is looking to recruit you – don’t shelve all your individuality or you might just be forgotten.

A two-piece suit is a must,anything less will be noted by the interviewer. Acceptable colours are black,navy blue and charcoal grey – green and brown should be avoided. The suit can be herringboned,plaid or pinstriped,but all detail should be kept to a minimum. A collared,longsleeved shirt should be worn,preferably white or pastel coloured, with a silk tie – a tie made from cheap fabric can ruin the look of an expensive suit. An interviewer should notice you,not your tie,so patterns should be uniform and subtle. Shoes should match the colour of your suitand must be polished –scuffed shoes imply a lack of respect and care. Socks should also match and be pulled up to your knee: this means that if you cross your legs no skin will be visible. With regards to jewellery, anything more than a ring and watch will probably be noted –many people say that men should take out earrings and any other piercings.

A two-piece suit is pretty much the accepted norm for interviews – it can be a skirt or trouser suit,but traditionalists often say that a skirt is best. If you choose this option, never wear a miniskirt – you may feel comfortable in it but your interviewer may not. Underneath a suit should be a shirt or blouse in any colour - bright colours are perfectly acceptable,but exposed clevage is not. Shoes should never be opened toed or have too high a heel – always put comfort before style. If wearing a skirt, hosiery is a must, either in black or tan. Check for runs and always carry a spare pair. An unusual piece of jewellery can make you stand out from other candidates, but don’t overdo it – avoid very large earrings and anything than jangles. It is also advisable to take out facial piercings. Make-up should be worn – when welldone it adds a professional finish to an outfit and also covers evidence of late nights and tiredness. However, ensure that it is subtle and never wear very bright colours.

O t h e r t i p s

Use perfume or aftershave sparingly - many people are extremely sensitive to fragrance and may be put off by strong scent. Ensure that fingernails are trimmed and clean and stay away from flashy nail polish. Hair should always be clean and well-groomed. It is also best to stick to a more conservative style,even if just for the interview. It is always best to carry a briefcase as it make you appear well organised and professional. This should also be the only bag you carry – ladies should never take both a briefcase and a handbag.

A man’s world

How have women managed to make it big in the workplace?

Perri Lewis

thinks that clothes may have had something to do with it

In 1928 women had their first taste of equality. In gaining the right to vote society acknowledged their worth. Just over a decade later they were called up to man the nation’s workplaces while their fathers,husbands and sons were sent off to the front lines. Wartime demonstrated that women could play an essential role in the workplace and since then we have seen the once subordinated gender take a prominent place in the working sphere. While in many ways this has been achieved through sheer determination,it seems that clothing choices have helped a little along the way.

The working woman of the eighties was excited to be there. She was motivated by the remnants of sixties feminism and enjoyed dressing up to do her job. Fashion houses took full advantage of this,offering a host of attire to suit the lifestyles of this new breed of woman.

With Dynasty at the peak of its popularity,shoulder pads were everywhere and the old cliché - the bigger the better – continued to ring true. The often powerless working woman replaced her lack of stature with top-heavy jackets and dominating outfits and so clothing became a tool to forge a higher status. ‘Power dressing’ was born and it forced the male hierachy to situp and take their female employees more seriously. Looking the part helped women to get the part.

However,although women had maintained a strong presence in the workplace for well over a decade,it was clear than they had not yet been accepted as equals by the system: even in 1990 women were still earning,on average,30% less than their male counterparts.

Driven by pure ambition,the working

woman of the late eighties and early nineties used her outfit to overcome the inequality of the workplace. As Tom Ford launched his extremely successful line of trouser suits for Gucci, women began to ditch their skirt in favour of this typically masculine outfit. The look was favoured by so many as it assimilated women into the patriarchal world of work,disguising the gender differences that skirts too often drew attention to. Femininity was clearly not yet suitable office attire.

Worn religiously by the last generation of working women,nowadays the suit is often replaced with softer separates. The workplace is steadily filling up with Zara-esque cardigans and floaty camisole tops a la River Island. While this shift in clothing choice can be explained by this season’s preference for a more feminine look and the flexibility of modern,more relaxed office dress-codes,it is perhaps more illustrative of the resistance against the male domination of the workplace.

The working women of the twentyfirst century do not want to adhere to male-orientated clothing standards in order to get ahead - they want to do it on their own terms. Unlike their mothers they are wearing clothes that enhance rather than cover their gender: they refuse to let sexual discrimination get in the way of their career.

The beginning of the last century saw women risk their lives in protests and hunger strikes in the quest for equality. Finally,around 80 years on, the effects of their suffering are beginning to be felt: working women no longer have to hide behind an outfit in order to be successful. It is just sad that it has taken this long to achieve so little.

Charlotte Howells speaks to three industry experts to see what they expect from an interviewee

First impressions count, so no matter how casual you or the organisation are,smarten yourself up for the interview. A suit is a good bet and shows you have made an effort. Choose dark colours and try your best to look neat. Always check yourself over just before you go in; skirts tucked into knickers is not the best look. Frazer at The Sales Recruitment Network (www.tsrn.co.uk)

e d i a

Interview clothing is a very grey area in the media - I'd say you should wear a suit for most companies, but wear one to,say NME,and you'll get laughed out of the office. But then so often are we told it's the only thing to wear to interviews that it becomes confusing. With so many 'trendy' magazines,you've got to weigh-up whether a suit would give off the right impression.

E Miller at www.adoramedia.com

“ ” “

E n g i n e e r i n g

Wear the best quality clothes your budget will allow. Choose neutral colours and avoid ‘wacky’ fashion statements: cartoon ties do not show you have a sense of humour. Take out obvious piercings,for the interview at least.

Stephen at www.honeywell.com

ALABAMA 3

The Coal Exchange 26 May 2005

The PA quality for support band Captain Paranoid and the Delusions is god-awful. Quench hopes and prays for an improvement by the time A3 take the stage – the finest blend of country and western, blues,and acid house music could sound dire on a bad system,and this is sound-engineer-sackingly bad. In between bands,the PA blasts out some Average House Music,and the mood starts to fluctuate wildly. This is a categorically bad thing,since the crowd here is a bizarre mix of dungeon masters (bearded men and women too old to be here,surrounded by loads of children),valley-scallys,ravers,and a couple of Hells Angels thrown in for good measure. A sweaty valley-boy barges into Quench,and in a spittleflecked Welsh lilt informs us that "this place is gonna be fuckin’ bangin’ in about twenty seconds."

Despite this warning,the shocking

bass-tone takes everyone by surprise. The rumble causes a seismic shift in the line of sight,completely removing the ability to focus – and sound levels appropriately fixed,Alabama 3 gradually appear with the ‘Hello’ refrain from their new single Hello I’m Johnny Cash ringing in the pierced ears of every potbellied biker in the Coal Exchange.

A3 are renowned for putting on carnivalesque shows,and there’s definitely something of the vaudeville about this one. Each character performs with delicious good-natured aplomb which never strays into arrogance,save for the band’s newest member,the admittedly gorgeous (think a Middle-Eastern Gwen Stefani) ‘Devlyn Love’,who appears to be under the impression that none of the other band members can function without her gyrating and/or pointing in their direction.

Musically,A3 are beyond description – except for the fact that every single journalist ever has described them as "beyond description." Although they are self-proclaimed purveyors of "country-acid-house",this is damning them

with faint praise. Drawing elements from countless musical genres,and infusing this with ultra-left political ideology and a good line in self-deprecation,A3 don’t have the crowd in the palm of their hands,so much as in their arms,the way drunken friends would stumble out of a closing pub,all parties clearly having the time of their lives.

Frontman Larry Love returns to the stage sporting a Soul Crew T-shirt in support of the notorious Cardiff soccerviolence firm,to a cheer from the throng both satisfying and shit-scary in equal measures. Apparently,the crowd couldn’t give a hoot that Larry is in fact from Merthyr Tydfil.

Despite the bizarre congregation,it’s testament to a Welsh crowd welcoming back one of their own that the only fight of the evening is between two women,brawling over a towel thrown out by one of the band.

James Anthony

Photos:

Adam Gasson

HELLO SUNSHINE

Ah,summer holidays are once again upon us. Maybe you’ll take up that part time job in B&Q your Dad’s mate said he could get you.

forthcoming albums

Jon Davies takes a look at this summer’s

simple re-hash of Elephant then think again,this offers a different take on the Stripes sound,with electric guitars behind,replaced with pianos and acoustic guitars.

Perhaps you’ll partake in the pleasures of the flesh with an ex who can’t quite comprehend how irresistible you’ve become since being away. Or you may even decide to watch your summer float on by in your living room,tropical Solero in one hand,privates in the other. Whatever happens you’re pretty much guaranteed that there’ll be some form of musical delight coming out that’ll take your fancy. Since this is the last you’ll hear of us at Quench we thought we’d give you a nice preview of what various musical delights you’ll have to look forward to.

COLDPLAY X&Y

6th June

What’s that you say,a new Coldplay album? I had no idea. Pfft,whatever. I know exams must be taking up a lot of your time but even my Nan’s friend Beryl,who’s deaf,blind and bed ridden,knows about this one. After various changes and delays this has become the most eagerly anticipated album of the year.

THE WHITE STRIPES Get Behind Me Satan.

6th June

Recorded in just fourteen days Get Behind Me Satan is the latest outing from everybody’s favourite incestuous rock duo. However if your expecting a

GERI HALLIWELL

Passion

6th June

The latest offering from George Michael’s best mate and constant source of annoyance Geri Halliwell. Call me cynical but with rumours of a Spice Girls reunion floating about at the mo’,this does seem awfully well timed.

SHAKIRA Fijacion Oral Vol.1

6th June

Recorded entirely in her native tongue of Spanish Fijacion Oral Vol.1 (that’s Oral Fixation to you) is the first instalment of Shakira’s latest offering. The second half recorded in English, Oral Fixation Vol.2,is released soon. Two albums in two languages eh? That’s impressive. Although I can count to ten in Korean.

FOO FIGHTERS In Your Honour

13th June

Double albums are always a bit iffy. Either a great example of song writing capability or a bloated waste of ambition. In Your Honour is split into two different styles,one all out rock record and acoustic. Hopefully the slightly disappointing recent single Best of You isn’t a huge reflection on the album as a whole.

BRIAN ENO

Another Day on Earth

13th June

The genius behind Roxy Music refuses to join in the cheesy reunion tour and instead offers us his first solo album in decades. Expect beautifully crafted, avant-garde sounds backed by Eno’s spell bounding vocals.

BACKSTREET BOYS

Never Gone

13th June

Insert your own ‘Backstreet’s Back’ joke here. The musical equivalent of cancer return after what seems like a 15 minute break. Apparently they’ve gone all serious now,playing their own instruments and everything.

FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND Hours

13th June

Hours marks the return of everyone’s favourite Welsh emo-rockers. Cue screams from angular haired teenage girls across the land. Expect heavy guitars,plenty of emotionally charged lyrics and tunes to smash your room up to.

JAMIROQUAI

Dynamite

20th June

The twat in the hat is back! Expect some funky basslines and,oh I don’t know,songs about cars. The rumours around this album are that Jay Kay has sorted himself out and produced some of his finest work.

BILLY CORGAN

The Future Embrace

20th June

After dissolving both of his previous bands,the earth-shatteringly brilliant Smashing Pumpkins and the short lived Zwan,Corgan has now decided to release his first solo album. A brief listen suggests a return to the sound of Adore-era Pumpkins.

RÖYKSOPP

The Understanding

4th July

The purveyors of blissfully calm dance music return with their eagerly awaited second effort. After the surprising success of Melody A.M. this album looks set to increase Röyksopp’s profile dramatically.

CHARLOTTE CHURCH

Tissues and Issues

11th July

Wales’ very own flower has now turned her back on the world of opera. According to her website this heralds "a major change of direction for Charlotte". Would that be in the direction of the nearest pub?

SUPER FURRY ANIMALS

Love Kraft

15th August

The best band in the world is back! Christened after the kinky sex shop in Canton this promises to be one the summer’s highlights. If you can’t appreciate the joys of the Super Furries then turn away,I don’t like your face.

Albums 30

OASIS

Don’t Believe the Truth

Big Brother

The northern scallies are back,doing little to help the stereotype of thieving Mancs with the latest in a steady decline that will leave you feeling like your hard earned bunce has been stolen and replaced by an over-hyped pile of tripe. And that’s being generous to a mess of an album that exposes the cracks that will ultimately prove to bring the standard-bearers of 90’s Britpop crashing down to a mass of rubble. It says a lot when Lyla,the pissawful single from the album,is the standout track. There’s nothing else that even deserves mentioning: too utter a track name would be to give to much publicity to distinctly bland,repetitious gash.

No doubt the masses will lap it up, but having been exposed to this record for the last half an hour,don’t even get me started on them. 2/10

Sam Coare

MOTÖRHEAD

Bomber (Expanded Edition)

Sanctuary Records

"Super-hyper-deluxe-perfect-expandedspecial-criterion-collectors-edition". No matter how much hyperbolic bullshit you describe it with,nothing hides the repetition of a re-release. Once you add "Two CD set",the heart sinks fur-

AT THE DRIVE-IN

ther,since the superfluous second CD is always full of "alternative" (i.e. inferior) or "live" (i.e. poorly recorded) versions of songs on the first CD. The only possible reason for buying this would be if you don't own any Motörhead already. If not, Bomber is a sturdy introduction. Hopefully this will see a mid-range price tag,in which case,snap it up. 7/10 James Anthony

JULIETTE & THE LICKS

You're Speaking My Language Hassle

Some say You're Speaking My Language sounds like a combination of Iggy Pop and Patti Smith,but it sounds more like a mish-mash of star power and too much NME hype. So Amazing and Money in My Pocket were the highlight of the album with some fast and intense guitar riffs but apart from this the album was bland,lifeless,and the title track was uninspired and dull. Actress-turned-singer Juliette Lewis states her band are the epitome of rock ‘n’ roll,but her debut is far from passable as a decent album with no unique qualities,or sense of identity. 4/10 Ryan Owen

THE CRIBS New Fellas

Wichita

After their self-titled debut was cruelly ignored by the public and most of the music press it was hard to imagine if there would ever be another Cribs album. Thanks to non-stop tours and associations with several high-profile bands (The Others,Kaiser Chiefs)

This Station is Non-Operational V2

That ATD-I never matched their artistic merit with commercial success is one of music’s greatest losses. As heavy,melodic and addictive as their contemporaries and better than the limp rash of emo-esque bands that followed their template,ATD-I deserved more than their fleeting and fashionable moment in the mexican sun.

With luck, This Station... will convert a few more devotees to their trailblazing ways. With a limited output (three proper albums and a few EP tracks),this 18 track compilation picks the best bits of their past from One Armed Scissor to Mannequin Republic and includes rarities,Radio One sessions and choice B-sides,just about everything the educated or curious ever truly need.

This anthology traces the development of the band from an above-average Rage Against the Machine covers band to something far more inventive and frantic. Cedric Bixler Zavala and Omar A Rodriguez Lopez moved onto greater and more opaque things with The Mars Volta. ATD-I were and continue to be consummate pioneers of a weird and sublime devilish chill. Along with Queens of the Stone Age and The Flaming Lips,they are one of America’s greatest bands. Start here right now. 9/10 Craig Driver

The Cribs have finally started to get some of the recognition they first deserved. Its such a shame then that on New Fellas they simply fail to reproduce the perfect pop heard on their debut. Whilst this is by no means a bad album,you can’t help get the feeling that its been rushed out in order to capitalise on their recent numerous appearances in a certain music weekly. 6/10 Jon Davies

RYAN ADAMS Cold Roses Lost Highway

From the highs and critical acclaim of 2001 breakthrough Gold to the lows of last year's dispute with his label and the resultant Rock and Roll and the Love Is Hell EPs/album, Ryan Adams seemed to have fallen more quickly than he rose (geddit?!). Cold Roses,a double album and his first of three planned releases in 2005 is his first with the Cardinals (a group of like-minded individuals,rather than the St. Louis baseball team),is,at first inspection another glob-load of homogenous alt. country. But,after repeat listens,and with the use of a pair of headphones,the heart behind songs like Rosebud and opening stomp Magnolia Mountain floats out of the closet. (*Rock cliché alert*) it would have worked better as a single disc,but you can't challenge the man's prolificacy. 8/10 WillDean

ROB THOMAS

Something To Be Atlantic

The release of solo work normally comes hand in hand with critical expectations of experimentation and often,well,rubbish. After writing and singing Santana’s Smooth,which won Grammys and shit,in like 1999,I thought this album might be okay. Well it’s not. It is really poppy and Something To Be could hail from the likes of Justin Timberlakelame; not even marginally close to MB20’s standard. And that’s probably saying something. 5/10 Gavin Arvizo

DO ME BAD THINGS

Move in Stereo Atlantic Records

If you listen to one new band today make it Do Me Bad Things. If anyone ever mixed a bit of Gary Moore tinged blues,some chugging,grungy guitars and soulful vocals together,this would be the result. Do Me Bad Things are definitely a band on the up. 7/10 Will Schmit

FORTUNE

Fortune EP

Unsigned

You may have spotted Cardiff-based Fortune playing at various locations on the drum and bass scene,most recently,at the RTR/Cherrybomb gig at the Toucan. Oozing talent,they have mastered an eclectic form of progressive dance rock. Being lead by a female vocalist à la Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil) and a super-talented flautist is what makes them different. Having a kick-arse lead guitarist and a preternatural drummer is what makes them worth your time. 10/10Nik Thakkar

THE ORDINARY BOYS

Boys Will be boys

B-Unique

THE LITTLE FLAMES

Put Your Dukes Up,John Deltasonic

The latest offspring of The Coral’s Liverpool scene,yet sadly The Little Flames lack the invention of their fellows. “Change your tune and change your hair,or your not going anywhere”. A nice track,there’s just something about the hair that doesn’t cut it. 5/10 Harold Shiel

C-JAGS

Paradise Park/Please Please Infected

London three-piece C-Jags treat us to this infectious double A-side full of hooks,jarring guitars and punchy lyrics. Paradise Park starts with a menacing riff accompanying staccato lyrics and breaks into a snappy,punky chorus. Then there’s the equally exciting Please Please that sounds like Starsailor on acid. Super. 7/10

Katie Brunt

FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND

Streetcar

Atlantic

The welsh whiners are back,in a world very different from the one they left. You see,we’re all a little older,a little wiser,and we’ve got hair in more places. Suddenly,moshing along to songs about horrible parents and cheating girlfriends just isn’t fun anymore. Streetcar,disappointingly,is still rawking like its 2001,and for all the nostalgic pleasure of those White Lightning and Popper-induced days, it’s hard to find a warm place in your heart for this,no matter how much you want to like it.

5/10 Sam Coare

Recording artists haven't had this much fun with their name since Scatman,too bad they focussed on the 'boys' rather than the 'ordinary' bit. Here 'Preston' and his merry-men go 2-Tone with disastrous results. It even has a toast on it. No. Really. Admittedly it’s the worst toasting since Ramons’ special breakfast. Even better than that the guy doing said toasting (rather than Titus Bramble) is Rankin Junior,who,let’s be fair puts the ‘rank’ into ranking. His dad Ian would be proud. Sub-ordinary contemptuous rubbish. 1/10

Will Dean

31 Singles

TOM VEK C – C (You Set The Fire In Me)

Go Beat

Achingly cool vocals drip from the speakers as Vek sets himself on track for a crown of electronic thorns. The new ‘lord-of-the-dance’ will no doubt perform lazy miracles in indie discos nationwide with this tune. 7/10

Harold Shiel

LADYTRON Sugar telstar

I think this song is about sex,which is a bit risqué. Sugar,you see is a metaphor for sex,“I’ll give you sugar if you give me,something elusive and temporary”,oh,Ladytron,if only life wasn’t such a meaningless vacuum. Maybe it’s actually about sugar and using it to bribe a horse,that’d be funny. 5/10 Colm Loughlin

THE BLACK VELVETS Glamstar

Vertigo Records

From a band that has been hotly tipped to “break through” for a while now,this isn’t that phenomenal song most of us have been hoping for. It does have a fitting glam rock edge to it,but musically it’s nothing more than your stereotypical rock. 6/10

Will Schmit

ORDINARYBOYS: Exactly what it says on the tin

POLYSICS

Barfly

FRIDAY 20TH MAY

“HEWWO CARDIFF. WE ARE POLYSICS. WE ARE FROM TOKYO,JAPAAAAAAAN?”

Yeah,Polysics are from Japan. Frontman Hayashi is quite adamant that we know this,I can only guess thats why he tells us after every song. By and large these are the only discernible words we hear all night,but that doesn’t matter,because in Polysics we are provided with entertainment from THE best Japanese,electro-punk-pop band I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing.

They enter the stage to a piece of music which sounds EXACTLY like the funeral march would if it was composed by Gunpei Yokoi,a boy-girl-boygirl full on noise assault clad in regulation boiler suit and Geordi LaForge glasses. Tonight the Barfly is not the place to be if you were hoping to come away having gained some great insight into the finer thinkings of life,however if you did want to spend some time supporting a fret-wanking, crowd surfing Japanese man as he tries his hardest to become one with the Barfly’s ceiling,you will have had a good time. All this,accompanied by a keyboard player who can’t decide whether she’d rather be in Kraftwerk or the Mickey Mouse club and you have got quite an audio-visual spectacle. Although there’s nothing particularly spectacular about the music,it’s essentially the Crazy Frog ring tone repackaged for pretentious indie kids, but,hey,when have I ever denied being anything but that? Gareth Paisey

THE LITTLE FLAMES/ ALTERKICK

Barfly

Thursday 19th May

Playing their 48th gig since February, The Little Flames are finally on a headline tour. In support,fellow Liverpudlians Alterkick fail to impress, partly due to poor levels,partly due to being a bit shit.

Opening with new single, Put Your Dukes Up,John,The Flames rip through a 40 minute set with lead singer Eva's icy gaze comparable to Alison Mosshart of The Kills. The real talent of this band is the way each song grabs you with sharp drums and hooks that embed themselves deep within your sub-conscious and refuse to leave. Last single Goodbye Little Rose and crowd favourites Fake and Just a

DEATH FROM ABOVE 1979

Bristol Fleece and Firkin

Thursday 19th May

Tonight’s support is provided by one of the most un-intentionally funny bands of all time. Test-Icicles are made up of three over dressed,over sexed and over hyped snotty punks. They look like they have a combined age of 55. They play tuneless songs with lyrics as imaginable as "C’mon Bristol WOO!!". They will piss you off no end,but in a way you’ll feel glad they exist. The second band on was some crappy run of the mill female led punkfunk band. Urrgh I cant even remember their name. After the hilarity of the support the bar wasn’t exactly high for Death From Above 1979,but they still kicked arse. The best thing about this band is they obviously hate as many people in the crowd as I do. At one point Jesse even smacked a lairy heckler,get in!. My only gripe with their set is that they didn’t play their cover of Luno by Bloc Party. Ah well,I guess you can’t have everything. Jon Davies

Kiss Away are all delivered with the perfection months of solid touring guarantees.

But it's all over too soon and the Zutons-esque finale of screaming guitars and crashing symbols marks the end of a quality set and,hopefully,the start of something big. Jen Long

ZABRINSKI

Barfly

Friday 27th May

A band who take a while to get themselves going,but once they do,it is all truly worth it. Unlike the previous band who sound like a Ramones tribute band with a hundred songs a minute, Zabrinski are an honest band who

create music that builds and is beautifully uplifting when each song reaches full flow. Their jingly-jangly guitar sound bares resemblance to the sounds of the Super Furry Animals, Fonda 500 and The Flaming Lips, adopting their sounds with ease. The only strange thing is,that when I arrive at the front,there stands,arguably the youngest band Barfly has ever seen. Here lies a band that may never be huge but they indelibly create music that is worth listening to. Intimate, Awkward and beautifully melodic. Ryan Owen

YOUNG HEART ATTACK

Barfly

Tuesday 31st May

I despair sometimes,I really do. Why is it that I find the Barfly half empty tonight? Why is it that the half that are in attendance seem prepared to go to a funeral,sombre mood and long faces in tow? You’d think they were being force fed the biggest load of gash this side of The Darkness. Instead,they were being treated to an electric performance by the best kept secret this side of Music Jon’s sexual antics (Buy me a beer and I’ll elaborate). The hot and sweaty confides of the Barfly provide the perfect backdrop to a show of such intensity and intimacy. Material from the Mouthful of Love debut spark and ignite into the explosion of the Starlite-led medley that proves the focal point of a sumptuous set. Fucking A.

Sam Coare

CARBON SILICON

Barfly

Thursday 26th May

I struggle to tell the difference between football hooligans and ageing punks. They dress,drink and shout the same. The Barfly’s full of ‘em. Two things – at least they get out once in a while,and I’m scared. There’re some old men (Louis) on stage playing punk covers in front of a big red flag that says: ‘Fuck imperialism,fuck capitalism (but,you know,buy our record),and fuck war’. Worthy sentiments,maybe,but they sound like the UK Subs being sick. Carbon Silicon (featuring Mick Jones) are better. They play worldly power-pop about being old. Which might sound a bit useless,but what audience want,audience get. Eventually I get bored,but it’s not for me (being young an’ all),and given that most music is (yeah,thanks A LOT Kaiser Chiefs) I’m pleased for the crowd. Also, Gangs of England is a good song.

Colm Loughlin

GIRLS ALOUD

Bristol Colston Hall

Monday 23rd may

This is how all gigs should be: fully seated,interspersed with adverts for Barbie’s Dreamhome and partially mimed.

Following support from two unremarkable and absurdly named girl groups – Cookie and Absolute Cute -–Girls Aloud saunter onto the stage to high-pitched screams that would have made The Beatles blush.

Showing off more flesh than a meat market,the girls rattle through a mixture of hit singles that they didn’t write

and cover songs they don’t sing live. Duran Duran’s Girls on Film is sold as one for the parents while Wheatus’ Teenage Dirtbag is covered in all its painful glory. Meanwhile,thanks to a wholly competent backing band and five male dancers,the girls attempt bizarre mixes of their own singles with versions of Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall Part II and The Knack’s

My Sharona

In most circumstances such killing of the classics combined with mediocre choreography would be inexcusable,but Girls Aloud somehow get away with it. It’s probably because this is neither a gig nor a concert - it’s a show,where the girls dress up as schoolgirls,act like the cast of Grease and hold audience-screaming competitions (Kimberley wins on this occasion). It may be the cultural equivalent of hiring a stretch limo and hanging out the back window,but in this industry that doesn’t seem to matter. At times it seems a shame that Girls Aloud refuse,or aren’t allowed,to

sing every song live. Nadine in particular has a genuine talent hidden in there somewhere and of the five seems most likely to break away in the future. But then the girls reappear after their fourth costume change of the night and perform a stonking rendition of Sound of the Underground,and all is well again in the world of pop.

Robbie Lane

Photos: James Perou

N u m e r i c a l a d v a n t a g e

Quench gets serious with The Magic Numbers in a discussion of all things beardy,their first tour and the help of Mr. Steve Lamacq

It’s all very rock and roll; there are bands hanging out on sofas,a man plucking at his guitar in the corner, a thick smoke mushrooming overhead and there are even people writing on bananas. The middle floor of Clwb Ifor Bach now resembles a scene from Almost Famous: a scenario I mention to lead vocalist and guitarist Romeo. "Hell!” he enthuses,“We feel like we’re in Almost Famous. it’s our first headline tour and this is the first night,I mean have you seen that bus outside? It’s HUGE!"

There’s something about The Magic Numbers. On stage their elusive and honest quality allows every single member of the crowd to connect,and that’s what makes them great people too: an honest passion for what they do,without the frills. "I think there’s definitely a balance between the music and the lyrics. Something I’ve written could be melancholy but then you take it to the band and it becomes something new. There’s a lot of hurt in there y’know,it’s just honest lyrics about love and loss and not being afraid to say that things can go wrong in relationships,but not sort of in a sense where you’re just thinking there’s no hope." And if you’re wondering what that special sound is…"It’s a Melodica,"

squeaks Angela in excitement,"I wasn’t doing much at the time and Romeo had these tunes to go over guitar,it turned out quite well!"

Radio 1 have been behind them for months now. Steve Lamacq even declared them his new favourite band. "Yeah,Steve’s been really supportive. We’ve done sessions for him and Zane and we’ve just done One Big Weekend, they’re definitely important."

“

“ It’s easier to have a beard than not

Much to the amusement of everyone in the dressing room the beautiful sounds of Clwb’s metal night were resonating off the walls at regular intervals,"There’s a lot of hurt in our stuff, but not much pain. Now that…that’s all pain! We’re saying it’s kind of fucked but y’know deal with it and put a fucking smile of your face man! It might be ok." I leave Romeo trying to coax

Michelle downstairs to head bang ("You know you wanna fucking rock out now sis!")

Before disappearing off downstairs,I couldn’t not mention the bands best attribute. "It’s easier to have a beard than not to have one,trust me. Just trim it every now and then."

Sean - drummer and brother of percussionist Angela - illustrates beautifully how they aren’t concerned with fashion and being famous,just making the music they care about. "Is it as easy as one,two,three? Sometimes it needs to go up to ten" pipes up Shaun after teasing his sister about the size of her nose. "In short,no it’s not" deduces Michelle. The relationship here is a special one and it works.

This June The Magic Numbers are unleashed on the world,giving every single person an opportunity to the touched by the same thing that so many are raving about. It’s not just rumours either,it’s right there,in their eyes and you don’t have to look very hard to see that. Plus they have socks on there rider. What more could you need from a band?

Sofie Jenkinson

Rams, wolves and wilderness

Joanna Griffin talks to Wild Animus author Rich Shapero

Wild Animus is the story of Sam Altman,a dispirited and disillusioned Berkeley college student in 1960s America, who amid a world of protests,sex and drugs longs to escape to the mountains of Alaska.

Increasingly believing that he possesses the spirit of a ram,he becomes ever more animalistic in his behaviour. Sam feels compelled to test his abilities against the wilderness and a menacing pack of wolves,learning just how far one can go when willing to risk life and limb in pursuit of a dream. The book leaves the reader with a number of questions that Quench asked when we caught up with the book’s author, Rich Shapero.

While writing Wild Animus you were traversing mountainous terrain. Was it an eye-opening experience and did you encounter any wolves or sheep on your journey?

I've had a number of encounters with rams. The scene in chapter five is drawn from life,although I'll stay silent on whether or not I had my clothes off.

The detail of the Alaskan wilderness is superb. How long did it take you to research?

About twenty years,give or take a

EUROPEBYTRAIN

Europe By Train is an all-in-one guide book,as you’d hope from a 750-page paper brick. The problem is that other guides do the same thing,but much better.

When you’re passing through countries at speed and lugging this around,you expect all the information in one place. It’s pretty hard to glean this from a book that provides minimal information on even the largest city,breaks essential maps down into smudges, and has a structure that makes finding anything a trek in itself.

This would perhaps be palatable if it weren’t for Katie Wood’s attitude. She’s better travelled than you,and

decade. I spent months in the Wrangell wilderness. I'm not sure I could call everything I did "research," but I was carrying the Wild Animus mania inside me.

The protagonist of your book,Sam Altman,possesses the spirit of ram. Which animal would you say you most resembled?

I used to be a ram. These days,I'm an octopus. But that's another book.

In order to fully understand the experiences that Sam goes through did you experiment with any forms of drugs while writing the book? I tried not to do anything that Sam wouldn't do.

Wild Animus poses the question ‘How far would you go to find yourself?' How far would you go? The search for meaning takes people to strange places. It can turn a dismal life into a wonderful one. It can turn a decent life into a nightmare. It can destroy us.

I feel like I'm constantly being reminded of how fragile we are,that I'm only meant to know great passion and blinding truths in fleeting moments. But it may be that the most sacred thing in life is the desire that life should be more.

Are there any up and coming authors at the moment that you would recommend?

Mike Ness.

by God she knows it. Continually being told that taking the train is more ‘real’ than someone who might holiday to - heaven forbid - have fun, really begins to grate after a while. Lonely Planet’s superior Europe on a Shoestring covers everything that’s in this,and a whole lot more.

Andrew Mickel

ALASKA: Inspired Shapero

Katie Wood Robson

MODESTY BLAISE

Peter O’Donnell & Jim Holdaway Titan

Modesty Blaise,former crook, part-time spy and occasional adventurer,has returned in a collection of tales.

Modesty began life in 1963 as a three-panel black and white comic serial and was published everyday in the London Evening Standard for almost 40 years.

She’s a cigarette-smoking,buttkicking heroine and,along with the help of her best friend Willie Garvin, she constantly ends up on whirlwind adventures. This book contains three whole stories,originally printed in the Standard in 1965/66.

The first story, Top Traitor,focuses on an old friend of Modesty’s being accused of treason so Modesty and Willie set out to find the truth.

The Vikings is a very different idea,where a crew of modern day Vikings are preying on the rich. An

AUSCHWITZ: A HISTORY

Sybille Steinbacher

Penguin

IBook Bag Book Bag

ex-employee of Modesty’s is involved,so she sets out to help him and his family.

The collection ends with The Head Girls,where an old adversary has set up an organisation to infiltrate key

t is wise to remind ourselves,in a world where deplorable crimes against humanity occur on a daily basis,just how horrific such actions really are. It is easy to become dulled to such depravity, particularly when it is rarely considered on a personal level.

Steinbacher’s book gives an account of the lives of concentration camp inmates as well as an aid to understanding how such a place developed. Written so that it is accessible to all,no real knowledge of history is needed to understand what happened and why. Hopefully,a constant reminder of how easily human behaviour can descend into mass murder will stem any further re-enactments in the western world.

Catherine Gee

government and business positionsa school of killer secretaries.

The stories are all enjoyable,however they do seem clichéd at times. Given that they were originally published as three panel serials,they don’t flow as smoothly as one would hope.

Surprisingly,the stories haven’t really dated,apart from the occasional cultural reference. The main characters are well-written and extremely likeable,though some of the villains are caricatures.

The art is also strong given the period it dates from,but the black and white imagery may put many off.

For fans,there are some extras at the beginning - an interview with the writer/creator and a study of Modesty Blaise.

There are much better value graphic novels available,but for fans of comics,escapist thrillers,retrochic and female leads,this may be the book for you.

Bren Coopey

THE WOMAN WHO PRETENDED TO BE WHO SHE WAS

Wendy Doniger

Oxford University Press

We all pretend to be someone else “so that a person or group can perceive us the way they have come to expect us to be." I suppose this theory is true.

I often pretend that I am cooler than I really am; that I consider old-style Kylie Minogue to be absolutely diabolical.

Thankfully,Wendy Doniger extrapolates upon this seemingly obvious point,using diverse examples including Shakespeare’s As You Like It,Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo,the Hindu Mahabharata and Total Recall

As a distinguished Professor at the University of Chicago,Doniger writes intelligently about original topics. Indeed,her original analysis of self-imitation may have shed light on a whole new cross-cultural literary genre.

While I find all of this quite intriguing,I am an English Literature student (and a rather sad one at that). For those uninterested in literature and cultural academic jargon, The Woman Who Pretended to be Who She Was probably won’t float your boat.

Debbie Green

Sex(ist) and the City AuthorRant

Books 37

Ellie Cowley takes on Candace Bushnell

Okay,so I admit that indeed, when the final episode of Sex and the City finally rolled to the TV screen last year,I joined my bereft girlifriends in their grief.

There we sat,the ten of us,on one small dorm room bed (those of you who have lived in Talybont North will know exactly what I mean…) clutching the Kleenex and wondering if, finally,Carrie would end up with the bloke of her dreams…sigh,flutter.

Hold the phone! The bloke of her dreams? Is it just me,or is there a little irony wiggling its way in here, eh? Having been telling us for heaven knows how long that being single is the new married with kids,all of a sudden we need Mr. Big to whisk us off to a happy ending? What kind of woman would whip the rug from our newly besingled feet so darn cruelly? Candace Bushnell,that’s who, dammit. The very author that has been hailed as the ground-breaking foremother of all that is‘chick lit’.

The line between man and machine has been devastatingly blurred. The human body has become reduntant and almost entirely reliant upon mechanical implants and supplements.

Cyborg super-agent Major Motoko Kusanagi is charged to track down the most dangerous cybercriminals, including "ghost hackers," capable of exploiting the human/machine interface by re-programming human minds to become puppets to their whims. When Major Kusanagi finally tracks down the master Ghost Hacker 'The Puppeteer',the very world she knows is dissolved and the comic becomes

Bushnell’s book, Sex and the City (upon which the immensely popular TV series was based) supposedly brought empowerment to the twentyfirst century woman by making it okay to be over twenty five and single. Yeah it is! As long as you are a career woman,rich enough to afford Fendi handbags,and Manolo Blahniks! Who is this woman kidding?

Every word etched by her pen is the reinforcement of the stereotype that woman have fought off for over a hundred or more years. Her characters have careers only so that they can buy shoes; they judge each other on their looks and,surprise surprise, the one mission of these ‘empowered women’ is to get married and have kids before they stop ovulating. According to Sex in the City (and I quote) a successful single woman has two choices: ‘you can beat your head against the wall trying to find a relationship,or you can say ‘screw it’ and just go out and have sex like a man’.

Oh,really? Or could we actually be a happy,whole person without a bloke in our lives? Nowhere is that option mentioned,and this is supposed to be the single girl’s bible? Burn it,burn it,burn it.

a heady mix of dystopian politics,philosophy,and technology.

This,the fully restored 'adult' version including extreme graphic violence,robotic lesbian fucking,and chaotic gargantuan battles,is how Ghost in the Shell deserves to be

told and animated. Every inch of every page is blitzed with thunderous colour and monochrome black and white framing.

Obviously not everyone is going to flip their cherry to a tale of apocalyptic bombast but it's hard to dismiss a comic that features a two page, four-way robotic girl orgy where the only dialogue spoken is "Gosh, where'd you find an equalizer with up to fives time the number of tactile transformation zones...?"

Dazzling without a doubt but at times the ideas severely outweigh the means.

Craig Driver

GHOST IN THE SHELL

Shirow Masamunde Dark Horse / Manga

Not doing much for feminism

Will Smith (not that one) wins over Arts Desk in this fortnight’s Reviews

Will Smith

Ten Arguments I

Should have

Won @ The Glee Club

Ionce read that an intense laughing session can lose you more calories than a jog. If this really is the case,watching Will Smith (aka The Other Will Smith) provided me with a thorough workout.

Appearing on stage clad in corduroy and a navy jacket,Smith was a quintessential English toff. This is a quality that he used to full advantage within his comic and petty persona.

The central point of the show was for Smith to persuade his jury (the audience) that he should have won ten arguments which he had lost in the past. Smith seemed particularly bothered by his childhood nickname ‘Girl’s Bike’,his belief that his tidy flatmate is a ‘messy’ beast,and his claim that the BBC are evil for refus-

ing to release Bergerac on Dvd.

In order to help plead his cases, Smith used a slide show,sound-board and video footage to hilarious effect. Indeed,he was able to win the majority of his ridiculous tiffs.

No wonder this guy has won comedy awards. His enthusiasm,Mr Beanstyle dance moves and stage presence make him much more than a regular stand up comedy act.

Definitely funnier than the Will Smith. Watch out world,here comes the man in corduroy.

Debbie Green

Will Smith: good exercise?

Chuckle-ometer:

Widows @ Sherman Theatre

The play opens with a group of women washing clothes in a place known only as ‘the bend in the river’. Their husbands have been ‘disappeared’ in mysterious circumstances. Widows explores the women’s survival in the midst of a civil war as they struggle to find out their husbands’ whereabouts and exposes the hostility they face from officials.

It all sounds promising,if dark, but Widows seems to lose its footing in trying to tell such a powerful story. There are moments that drag and,at times,the actors struggle to bring truth to their characters. This is balanced,though,by the bursts of energy that breathe life back into the script. Zahra Ahmadi,as the fiery Alexandra,shines as she fights to keep the community together. Jessica Hall,in the role of Alexandra’s daughter,gives a captivating performance of youthful innocence and confusion. The set,too,is worthy of mention,helping to create a barren,dry landscape robbed of fertility and promise.

Widows is a challenging drama which focuses on an important issue with passion,if not conviction.

Kim O’Connor

a.) A girl’s bike.

b.) A girl’s bike.

ArtsG a t e

The Gate run an exciting variety of arty courses.We sent Matthew Gray and Claire Johnson along to strut their stuff and find out more about the arts centre

Flamenco Class

The rhythm is gonna get you.

One of four flamenco classes in Cardiff,the Gate’s is geared more to the tourist-trade imitation than authentic gypsy fare,though the class is very professionally taught and clearly enjoyed by its participants.

I must confess,however,that the rhythmic stomping was a little unnerving in that it was so reminiscent of jackboots I half-expected a scream of “Ein volk ein Reich ein Führer” at some point. Tutor Sally has an excellent rapport with her students,and while it’s clear that a lot of hard work is required to progress from beginner to developing the graceful,effortless movement and simmering sensuality of experienced performers,she showed an encouraging ability to get

the best out of the class.

There was also a session of flamenco guitar taking place at the same time as the dance class. Although I was unable to witness this,the brief impromptu performance by one of the teachers in the Centre’s bar afterwards indicates only good things. For those with an underdeveloped interest in the Andalusian art,or those that know nothing about it but feel that they might like to,the Gate Arts Centre is an excellent place to start.

Flamenco Classes For Adult Beginners

Tuesday 12:30-1:30pm Friday 6:00-7:00pm

Sing for Fun

Sing for Fun teaches people how to use their voices to maximum effect.

Although singing in front of the class can be nerve-racking at first,the friendly atmosphere and encouraging teacher put any butterflies at rest.

At present,the course attracts a predominantly female group. But,hey,if you are a budding male vocalist,this might be an extra incentive to start the course next term.

Above all,this class truly lives up to its title - it is singing and it is fun.

Sing For Fun Classes For Adult Beginners Monday 6:30-7:30pm

Workshops @ The Gate

The Gate run workshops in nearly everything you can think of and the classes are suitable for all levels of experience. So, whether you’re a complete beginner or a seasoned pro there’s bound to be something to take your fancy!

Act For Fun - Weds Evening

Ballet - Mon Evening

Funky Jazz - Thurs Evening

Salsa - Thurs Evening

African Drumming - Fri Evening

Drawing - Tues Evening

Art For Fun - Mon Evening

For more info contact: (029) 2048 3344 or email info@thegate.org.uk

Arts 40

Miss Saigon @ WMC,7

June - 2 July

Whatever you do,don’t miss this! A spectacular story of love and abandonement based around the Vietnam war. Includes beautiful music and stunning special effects.

Script Slam @Sherman Theatre,7 June

Three writers present a 15 minute sample of a script each. The audience vote for which piece they would like to see developed and return a month later to view the developed piece.

Andrea Severa Dance Company - Plancie

Banderita @ Chapter,1213 June

The popular Argentinian dance group perform a lyrical dance invoking memories of a childhood in Patagonia. Their movements blend a range of traditions from hip-hop to kung-fu. All of which is performed to a sexy Latin American soundtrack.

Jethro, Not for the Vicar @ St David’s Hall,24 June

Celebrating a whopping thirty years in the buisness,Jethro takes to the stage and gets set to tickle your funny bones.

Framed @ New Theatre,28

June - 2 July

Psychological thriller starring EastEnders’ Lucy Benjamin. A romantic trip to a remote cottage triggers a masterful mystery that will have you biting your nails throughout.

Menotti’s The Medium and von Suppe’s Ten Belles,29

June - 2 July

The talented students at The Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama try their hand at opera.

This summer, the Arts desk foresees ...

Anima @ G39 15 July - 20th August

A two-part exhibition which is currently on display in Canada. The show features six Welsh artists and looks set to place Wales on the international arts scene. The curator claims that ‘Anima looks at the lives that artists create within their work’.

Wait Until Dark @New Theatre,6 - 10 September

A terrifying production based on Frederick Knott’s classic 1966 Oscarwinning film. Stars a cocktail of TV actors from programmes such as Footballer’s Wives, Emmerdale,and Eastenders.

Squeaking Beauty @ WMC

The ingenius title says it all really. The classic tale of Sleeping Beauty is played out by mice. Of course this is meant for kiddies,but why should that stop you?

EVILDEAD

Dir:Sam Raimi (1981)

Starring:Bruce Campbell

Financed partially by its Super 8 teaser Within the Woods, The Evil Dead is a low budget gruelling horror which successfully spawned two sequels,a proposed remake and possible fourth instalment.Sam Raimi,director of the Spiderman franchise,helmed this cult horror project with his prowling and innovative camera-work,twisted black humour and overblown use of blood and gore effects.

The generic plot consists of five teenagers,vacationing in a remote and isolated cabin Within the Woods, unearthing the Book of the Dead and inadvertently resurrecting evil.Inevitably,but amusingly,the teenagers are possessed one-by-one, until Bubba Ho-tep star Bruce Campbell’s,overtly camp character Ash,stands alone to battle against the ever-present,ever-encroaching evil. The evil peaks as Cheryl is controversially but eye-openingly sexually assaulted by a possessed tree. Later, Ash’s possessed girlfriend Linda tries to kill him and a frenzied Ash decapitates her with a shovel.

It stands alone as an assured, innovative and inspirational work, being referenced in recent films such as Donnie Darko,and Shaun of the Dead,and critically acclaimed by Jonathan Ross and Stephen King. As a film Evil Dead teaches us many things; never wear short skirts around trees,always buy fruit from an established greengrocer instead of going down to your ‘fruit cellar’ and,finally, that big chins are ‘groovy!’ Ryan Owen

TWEEZ

Slint (1988)

Jennifer Hartman Records

Hailed by many as the birth of postrock,this album is without doubt ‘cult’ and also,to my mind,‘classic’. Having grown up playing shows together in various different combinations,in 1986 David Pajo,Britt Walford,Brian McMahon and Ethan Buckler gathered in Louisville,KY and formed Slint. They split up in 1991 – the same year their second album Spiderland was released - to cries of dismay from those lucky enough to have been there.

Having been apart for fourteen odd years (in which they played separately in numerous excellent,and some not so excellent bands: King Kong,The For Carnation,Evergreen, Tortoise and Papa M to name a few) they reformed this year for legendary shows at the All Tomorrow’s Parties festival in a Pontins holiday park in Rye,West Sussex.

Tweez,their debut release back in 1988 is a brooding beast of an album; at once crunching and sweeping then sliding in and out of silence. Recordings of them drinking,yelping and complaining about the earphones have been left in by “genius” producer Steve Albini which adds a nice reality to proceedings. The sound isn’t exactly clean or indeed tidy but then,the best albums never are (The Mars Volta excluded). Jazz, lo-fi,metal,spoken-word and prog all rear their heads at the right time in this surreal experience and this spine-tingling goodness should sit proud in your collection.

Harold Shiel

According to Radio 4’s recent poll, this novel is the most influential book for women ever written. Although this is a little condescending as it suggests that all women want is to find the perfect man to project our romantic fantasies upon,I can undoubtedly see the poll’s point. Mr Darcy as a character does have a certain charm. Hence why he appears in some construction in every contemporary romantic fiction and why Colin Firth has been laughing all the way to the bank since he played the role in the BBC adaptation ten years ago.

The novel,although initially difficult to get into due to Austen’s wordiness, progresses at an eloquent and absorbing pace. The main character Elizabeth,the object of Darcy’s affections,is likeable,intelligent and fun.

The plot may be predictable but one thing a lot of people don’t realise about Austen is that she was a master when it came to satire. This delectable social comedy says as much about wealth and class snobbery than it does about romance. The stereotype of the money grabbing mother in Mrs Bennett and the sycophantic yet judgemental Mr Collins,amongst others,are elements of pure genius.

Many think Austen’s work to be clichéd,but in reality she was quite beyond her time. To think she created characters in 1811,which still have relevance in today’s society,nearly 200 years on,is quite remarkable.

Shell Plant

Jane Austen Penguin (1813)

Robert Rodriguez is a classy guy.

Starting out with the lo-fi independent flick El Mariachi before remaking it as Desperado and completing the trilogy with Once Upon a Time in Mexico, with a heap of visceral bombast and studio cash Rodriguez is a director high on invention and mercifully low on restraint. Frank Miller,the diminutive creator of the cult graphic comic Sin City,is a man set alight with a dark artistic fervour. Get these two gents together and the world better watch out.

With the imminent release of the gargantuan Sin City on the silver screen Rodriguez and Miller have forged a new cinematic fabric truly unlike any other. It has taken over ten years of stout refusals by Miller to every studio in Hollywood to bring his graphic opus to the big screen. Miller is quick to point out the reasons Rodriguez got lucky where others faltered. "I said no to Hollywood all the way. I said yes to Robert because he had a whole different approach to how to make the movie and how he wanted to produce it. It became irresistible and then of course he introduced me to actors and I was smitten."

UNITED IN SIN

quick to cut in. "I was there man. It was instantaneous."

Rodriguez is more forthcoming in his appraisal of the situation. “You know you’re in Texas,you’re in your train and going really fast down the track. You’re really excited to be making the movie,everyone can feel it. Suddenly there’s a couple of guys from L.A. in the middle of the track,

Big deal or not Rodriguez was quick to bring in heavyweight buddy Quentin Tarantino as a guest director. When asked how Tarantino became involved Miller is quick to joke that Tarantino is ‘no more than a hack.’ Rodriguez though is more generous when recalling his involvement. “It took him a while to make Kill Bill which he thought was going to be a real fast shoot. I told him if he’d shot it on Digital it would have been much faster and that next time I’m shooting something he should come down and shoot a scene with the actors and see how it works. He got to see what the technology was about because I thought he would really enjoy it. He did,and got to see how it was really more about performance and not a technical exercise,but really the reverse of what you would normally think. We shot the scene with Clive and Benicio 42 Directors

Rodriguez was so commited to the film and on crediting Miller as codirector that he sacrificed his affiliation with the Directors Guild of America. "It was a pretty quick decision.” Miller,like a fevered puppy,is

waving their hands saying ‘STOP’. I just looked at Frank and he went ‘gggggrrrrr’ and put on the gas. We felt this horrible crunch but we didn’t care. That was a surprise though. I was sure I’d seen two directors on other movies but we didn’t really care. Their argument was that I was established and Frank wasn’t. But I told them that he directs better than most directors in Hollywood. If you look at his books he was already a great film maker,he was just using paper instead of a camera. I thought visual storytelling was the same whether it

be on the page or the screen and that’s what I wanted to prove instead of just translating it straight to the screen. What Frank was doing in his books was already bolder than what most of Hollywood was doing anyway. So instead of going through the long process of them trying to change their rules it was just easier for me to leave at that time. It wasn’t really a big deal."

Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller strike a pose

with the rain,the road,and the car but there was no rain,no road and no car. He got to see how all that stuff got in the way and he got to just focus on the performances. This way the process gets reversed."

film noir. There’s a darkness to the central characters and the villains. What people often get wrong with film noir,the reason so many modern Noirs fall flat,is that they ignore the inner darkness and just light the film and they become no more than spookly lit innocent stories. The great noir,the stuff like Raymond Chandler, Robert Mitchum,sure it was lit dark but it got in your head and drove you crazy. That to me is Noir; without sin there is no virtue so Sin City is there to find virtue as much it is to find sin."

Rodriguez also shares a love of Film noir with Miller and brought this indulgence to the project. "I was big fan of Noir,I almost remade Kiss Me Deadly in ‘97. Michael Mann was producing that,but I thought it was too nostalgic. What I like about Frank’s material is that it follows that tradition and yet it was so updated and savage.”

Accompanying this penchant for the darker side of cinema, Sin City also attracted a cast to die for including Mickey Rourke,Clive Owen,Benicio Del Toro,Jessica Alba,Michael

“

Tarantino aside the directing responsibility was split between Rodriguez and Miller for the duration of the project. When asked how this agreement played out Rodriguez is adamant it was a two way relationship. "We didn’t really direct separate scenes. We just kind of jumped all over each other,drove each other crazy and had a great time doing it." For Miller the working relationship was a straightforward one. "In the beginning we had discussed breaking up the three stories between us and I’d said I’d really like to do Big Fat Kill,which is the story involving Dwight (Clive Owen) just because it’s such an absurd romp. As we started working and preparing we just decide to tag-team the whole job. As he was editing the movie we couldn’t remember who had suggested what shot. There was such a brotherhood between us on this movie. It was really impossible to separate us." Miller is also swift to testify to Rodriguez’s film noir credentials. "I mean you’ve got to credit Robert for having the most violent screen credit in film history: ‘Shot and Cut by Robert Rodriguez.’"

When asked about the obvious influences of classic film noir on both the original comic format and film version of Sin City, Miller is enthuisastic to the hilt. ‘Chivalry,honour,friendship, and obviously romance are all part of

I really just wanted to see

Frodo eat people

creepy. I told him that one day ‘I’m going to cast you as a psychopath’ never thinking that it would actually happen. I showed him the early test and he was like ‘I would kill to be in that movie.’ I was like ‘Kill?’” Miller is more obscene in his admiration for Woods performance. “I really wanted to see Frodo eat people. The moment I saw Elijah’s tape I was totally creeped out. He was fucking hired, man.”

As for the possibility of a sequel Rodriguez is determined to make Sin City 2 regardless of the commerical success. "I know there’s at least seven books. We’re definitely going to do another one. It’s called A Dame to Kill For. It’s a book that actually takes place before this movie so Marv would be back,Golden and Wendy would be alive and together. A lot of the characters show up in that book again so that would be an interesting one to do. There’s a lot of Frank’s stories that I wouldn’t mind shooting so we’ll just have to see what happens. It might just be easier to shoot them all in one go and then split them into a few films." Miller jumps in stating that “we should just make them all man. Fuck it.”

“

Wood as silent assassin Kevin is particularly effective in the film. Rodriguez was adamant that Elijah should get the role. "I worked with him on The Faculty and he has these piercing blue eyes that women seem to love but I always found quite

Miller’s perpetual eagerness may sound childish but in Sin City Rodriguez and Miller have crafted a exciting new visual fabric. With the current crop of pithy comic adaptations we can only hope Rodriguez and Miller,both charismatic and slick,are given the opportunity to continue their revitalisation of film noir within a modern context.

Madsen to name but a few. Elijah

Frank Miller’s original comic serialisation

Rodriguez and Miller on the set of Sin City

SIN CITY

Dir: Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller

Cast: Mickey Rourke,Bruce Willis,Jessica Alba,Clive Owen, Released Now,124 mins

The rapid influx of ggraphic comic novels in the last few years onto the silver screen has been a mixed blessing. For every Spiderman there has been an Electra; for every sharp witted über-octane taut thriller there has been a bloated and muddled bric-a-brac of a mess.

With Robert Rodriguez’s adaptation of Frank Miller’s comic masterpiece Sin City,exhilaration it would seem at last trumps trepidation. In a landscape littered with the still-warm remnants of recently pilfered comic book invention Rodriguez has crafted a ferocious masterpiece of pain and finesse; a deep-seated,hard-stomping,nihilistic streaming of cartoon brutality.

Adapted directly from the pages of Miller’s comic, Sin City comprises three sweetly archaic tales of murder, revenge,and nihilistic redemption in the charred surroundings of Basin City. Telling the tale of Marv (Mickey Rourke,Hartigan (Bruce Willis),and Dwight (Clive Owen),Rodriguez has crafted a fuzzbox-salted exodus that takes the comic-film hybrid to a dizzy freakish peak.

straightjacket visuals. Recalling the finer subtleties of Howard Hawks and Elmore Leonard Rodriguez’s flare and Miller’s wit combine in a ferocious zenith of devilish slaughter and murky revenge.

The smoky palette of Miller’s comic noir is exploded out by Rodriguez into sharp widescreen Tom and Jerry kickass chic. Sin City delivers brilliantly on the decadent populous suggested by

assassin Kevin steals the film being the freakiest thing bar none amongst the festered corpses and shattered morals.

Led by a hurricane force alive with a bonfire of profanity, Sin City is the film that has threatened to be made since the advent of CGI. Like James Ellroy did with The Black Dahlia, Rodriguez harnesses the raw and blistered ideal of noir and revitalises its mushy behind with a muted flourish reminiscent of Linklater’s Waking Life and Warhol’s twisted aesthetic. Peckinpah would have killed to be so fin de siècle

a ferocious zenith of devilish slaughter and murky revenge“ “

the title due to the multitude of sublime performances on show. Rourke, wired as fuck as neolithic primate Marv,is Mitchum,Brando,Bogart,and Schwarzenegger combined in one brutalistic anti-hero. What appears to be a simplistic tale of revenge proves to be Marv’s tortured dreams made flesh: a powder-keg of patriarchal sin and immoralistic fervour.

Although that swotty nostalgic Tarantino may guest direct and suckle at the sweaty teat of film noir,Miller is a man orphaned by it,swathed in the denial of its passing. Poised and atmospheric this is Miller’s personal nadir. Sin City may be sickly saturated in its ultra-violent fuzz and apocalyptic rushes but any shortcomings are born of a deserved indulgence rather than a stubborn reticence. When Dwight’s shady past is shunned from our view by a cascade of AK-47 toting super vixens it may be disquieting but it’s blistering in its execution.

Rodriguez has always shown an ability to slalom around the clichés and pitfalls of mainstream,big-budget cinema,fuelled by a feverish and highly stylised,sexual delivery. Here Rodriguez uses tricks of graphic framing with black and white intonation to evoke searing action and voguish

Willis as ex-cop Hartigan and Owen as pretty boy Dwight are equally doomed in their quest for salvation. Their sly methadone despair twisting into a furious cinematic knees-up whereby pain equates to pleasure. In the smoked-out littered haze the women of Basin City are as wickedly violent as they are glamourous. Alba as stripper Nancy is sexually defiant in her exotic femininity while Murphy as bar-girl Shellie is as just as likely to bite your dick as she is suck it. Elijah Wood as silent cannibalistic

This is pop art Polanski-stricken silly with a heavy dose of bourbon and a slinky-hipped swagger. As such,it is quite possibly the most ambitious and rewarding cinema experience since Bruce Willis donned a wife beater and quipped ‘Yippee ki aye,mother fucker.’ Spread the word Gringo.

Craig Driver

MILLIONS

Dir: Danny Boyle

Cast: Alex Etel,Lewis Owen

McGibbon,James Nesbitt

Rel. Out Now,105mins

Aheist goes wrong and a bag bursting with 229,320 pounds falls from the sky into the hands of two kids. The UK decides to convert to the Euro in seven days and the countdown is on to make the most of it.

Following the death of their mother, the family move into a house on a recently built estate. Whilst Damian has visions of saints,a money-filled bag seemingly falls down from the heavens. They conceal the bag,nevertheless the Euro currency is looming with old tender becoming useless. Damian wants to use the money to help the poor,whilst Anthony wants to give himself a material makeover. They discover that the bag of money is a result of a train robbery; then a mysterious and threatening man arrives.

The director of acclaimed drug abuse and rage-driven films gives us a masterclass in Burton-like storytelling. Boyle pushes the boundaries of realism,as we see their new house built in front of them in seconds,and later a rocket launch to an exotic paradise. It also draws parallels with Shallow Grave reusing similar themes, and it also shows traces of Sam Raimi's A Simple Plan,where money literally falls from the sky. Danny Boyle has established himself with edgy, mature films such as Shallow Grave, Trainspotting and The Beach. However Millions is not so much a departure, but an arrival within a multifaceted genre which it succeeds within. Mr. Boyle has created characters that have sincerity,warmth and charm within a vibrant parable about love, faith and materialism that isn't excessively sentimental.

DUMA

Dir: Carroll Ballard

Cast: Alex Michaeletos,Campbell

Scott,Mary Makhatho

Rel. May 20th,120mins

UNLEASHED

Dir: Louis Leterrier

Cast: Bob Hoskins,Jet Li,Morgan Freeman,Kerry Condon

Rel. May 20th,105mins

Unleashed is an enthralling action film written by Luc Besson (Leon) and directed by Louis Leterrier (The Transporter). Ever since Jet Li made his American debut he has risen to fame as a martial arts star,however in Unleashed Li stars as Bob Hoskins bitch.

Based on children’s book and authentic African story How it was with DoomsDuma is the tale of young white South African boy Xan,who befriends an orphaned Cheetah and names him Duma. Yet when Xan’s father dies,he has to journey across a dangerous and deadly Africa to return his new pet to the wild.

As far as a kids film goes,it pretty much does what it says on the packet. In fact if you have watched other ‘child bonds with animal and then sets it free’ films,such as Free Willy or Fly Away Home (also directed by Ballard) you may spend the hour and half feeling a distinct sense of déjà vu. You may also spend much of this time questioning how Xan and Duma survive such a long journey with absolutely no food or water.

Newcomer Alex Michaeletos’ acting as the young boy Xan leaves little to be desired. Independent-film staple Hope Davis,(About Schmidt) who plays Xan’s mother delivers a fine performance,though she is rather underused throughout.

The plotline may be sentimental, contrived and predictable,yet this coming of age story is not without charm. The imagery,emphasized by the big screen,is stunningly shot and reflective of the sweet nature of the central conceit. Especially the close up shots of Michaeleto’s sleek and spotted co-star,who truly steals the show.

The shots of other African wildlife and terrain are breathtakingly beautiful and the film will certainly be relished by any fan of Big Cat Diaries. A simple and slender attempt to convey the finer points of wildlife.

Set in Glasgow,Bart (Bob Hoskins) is an occasional gangster,who collects debts with the threat of Danny the Dog. His dog happens to be Jet Li who wears a metal collar keeping him passive. If the debtors pay the collar stays on; if they don’t the collar comes off and Danny is unleashed. Danny’s owners are left for dead,and he finds solace with blind piano-tuner Sam (Morgan Freeman) who teaches him the ways of the piano and the more subtle nuances of life kept from him by the fevered Bob Hoskins.

Luc Besson brings to life a formulaic concept in a visceral and brutal free-for-all. A delightful scene where Li eats his soup with a piece of bread is straight out of California Man. The fight scenes are graphic and brutally filmed by intense camera movement, making the punches resonate within the audience reflecting scenes from Raging Bull. Fear not though for this is not simply an action film as veterans Morgan Freeman and Bob Hoskins give an astounding performance bringing genuine screen presence to the film. Hoskins stars in his finest role since The Long Good Friday,and Li executes a restrained performance showing an inner humanity. Unleashed is a fusion of highly stylized fight scenes with a masterful blend of delightful performances,a dramatic script and jarring visuals.

Jet Li’s Downfall: his first S&M movie

Two kids in ‘rummaging through amans sack’ shocker in Millions

Ryan Owen

Ryan Owen Shell Plant

S t i c k A r o u n d W e’ ll Be Back

It’s been an eventful year in film.

There has been some absolutely cracking films such as Oldboy and Sin City, but some total shockers like Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason So what is there to look forward to over the summer? What are you going to do without your precious copy of Quench to guide you through the minefield of potential summer blockbusters and dire flops? Well have no fear as there are a few gems to watch out for over the coming months.

First of all we have Batman Begins which is released on June 16 and promises to be excellent with Christian Bale fulfilling the role of the giant flying rodent. Supported by an A-list cast that includes Michael Caine,Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman,it takes us back to Bruce Wayne’s childhood and tells the tale

The DVDon Reviews you cant refuse

REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE: SPECIAL EDITION, rel. Out Now

Released a matter of days after James Dean met his maker, Rebel Without a Cause is one of those films that will remain frozen in film history. Jim Stark is a troubled young man who feels stifled by his straight-laced parents. He attempts to rectify this by strutting around in a red jacket, cuddling gnomes and playing chicken with cars. This was Dean’s zenith.

The Don Says: “I am a rebel with a deliberate cause. I wish to inflict pain,misery,and suffering upon the crippled hoardes of illiterate flids.”

MILLION

DOLLAR BABY, rel. 13th June

The Man With No Name helms this heart-wrenching tale of a female boxer striving for the big rewards in a harsh world. The film doesn’t go as some might assume as Eastwood tends to favour looking at the stories that aren’t told,as in Unforgiven. It

of how he becomes Batman.

On the 22nd of July we are treated to more comic superheroes as the Fantastic Four blast onto the screen. Starring Jesica Alba and Ioan Gruffudd,it is set to be as successful as Spiderman and no doubt Stan Lee will appear somewhere in the film in a cameo role.

We welcome the return of Tim Burton to our screens on July 29 with his remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Johnny Depp plays the highly excitable and wacky character that is Willy Wonka. If anyone can fill Gene Wilder’s shoes then Depp is the man for the job.

Finally on August 5 we have the much anticipated Land of the Dead directed by George A. Romero,and also featuring zombie cameo roles by Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright. Farewell readers. Pity us not.

doesn’t feature a Rocky montage which is the downfall with every film, but Morgan Freeman,as usual delivers in an excellent supporting role.

The Don Says: “My first born baby was worth a million dollars. I lost the receipt but Harrods let me exchange it for a diamante rectal cup.”

TOTAL RECALL: SPECIAL EDITION, rel.13th June

Directed by Paul “look at Sharon Stone’s growler” Verhoeven, Total Recall is a futuristic thriller starring none other than the Governator himself. It features three breasted whores,fat-suits that explode and Arnie’s eyeballs bursting out of his face. On top of that there is a copious amount of violence,bloodshed and gunplay with Schwarzenegger’s trademark one-liners.

The Don Says: “I once bedded a three-titted lady from the future. Thankfully her trio of titties were not matched by her lady sandwich.”

SEINFELD SEASON 4 BOXSET, rel. 13th May

Who would have thought that this show could have lasted as long as it did. It may be down to Cosmo Kramer’s eratic behaviour,maybe George Costanza’s Scrooge-like personality,or perhaps Jerry Seinfeld’s Superman obsession. However some people’s dislike may be because it is American but it is possibly the best thing America has done apart from

As another year draws to a close here at Film Desk,we would like to thank a few people for their contributions,support and victimisation. Thanks to all our contributors: Maria Cox,Sarah Dobbs,David Ford, Melissa Green,Ewen Hosie,Natalia Kekic,Hannah Perry,Simeon RosserTrokas,Tom Seaman,James Skinner,Jon Stanford,Rob Telford, Matthew Turtle and John Williams. Special Thanks to: Nathalie Southall,Andy Seward,Claire Lamswood,Russ Meyer,Joshua Homme,Marlon Brando,Gemma Cannings,Garri Hughes,Charlie Fairweather,Sean Tobin,Miss Johansson,Miss Diaz and Mat Croft. Good luck next year to Catherine and Ryan - try and follow this you fuckers!

Special Mention: Chloe,Andy and Luise - Just fucking DOIT.

killing as many of its citizens as possible in Vietnam.

The Don Says: “Seinfeld to me is like a good hard shag. Tough to get into but once you’re in the zone it’s sweaty,tough,and you come away at the end feeling somehow empty.”

CADAVER Rel. Out Now

The debut mini-feature from local Director Ryan Owen Cadaver tells the tale of a disillusioned young man desperate for financial sustenance no matter what the cost.

Starring young upstart Jim Richards as a lonely nicotine-addled misfit,the story follows him as he agrees to kill for money and disregard all moral principles in his search for financial security.

Though marred by a low budget and restricted by a time restraint this is a brave and honest attempt to convey the desperate nature of poverty and its many terrible guises.

Winner of the 2005 Best Screenplay at the Cardiff Media Awards this is film full of youthful vigour. In time Owen and his twisted fabric should reap a rich reward.

The Don Says: “Once I sold a body over the net. The problem being that it was my own. I laughed at my ineptitude and gently cried.”

From the director of Dude, Where’s My Car,comes another crazed tale of two friends on a perilous quest,in this case, to eat burgers at the fast food restaurant White Castle in Harold & Kumar Get the Munchies

Harold (John Cho, Better Luck Tomorrow) and freewheeling Kumar (Kal Penn, Love Don’t Cost a Thing) get extremely high and set off on the road,only to be sidetracked by skateboarding hooligans,racist cops,and inbred tow truck driver. The humour is all over the map, it has a loose gregarious charm, and the movie’s canniness about the cliches of the buddy-movie genre give it a sneaky subversive feel,just the fact that neither of the heroes is white puts a different spin on just about every circumstance. Surprisingly clever,cheerfully stupid.

Harold & Kumar Get the Munchies is a hilarity of events and we at Film Desk have decided to be ever so kind to you lucky readers.

We have three DVD copies of Harold & Kumar Get the Munchies which is released 0n 27 June to give away. All you have to do to get

your grubby paws on the treasure that is HAROLD & KUMAR GET THE MUNCHIES is answer the question below.

Q: What was the film’s original title upon its American release?

All answers should be sent by email to grfilmdesk@hotmail.com ASAP . Good luck.

Procrastination

Ah,the internet,wrecker of degrees,and friend of the friendless,how you haunt us. It's got to that time of the year when you've got to go home and pretend you like your family. Here is Quench's guide to wasting the summer hours away like a true champ. Think of it as a leaving present.

10.THE HUFFINGTON POST –Blogging seems to be getting more media coverage than celebrities these days,so it makes perfect sense that the celebs jump aboard the,er,blogwagon. Billed as a site for celebrities like Gywneth Paltrow to share their world view,socialite Arriana Huffington's site is a good read,but is filled more with writings by anonymous political writers rather than what Jennifer Aniston had for brekkie. Perhaps that's a good thing? Bonus points for having Larry David as a contributor though. www.thehuffingtonpost.com

9.PITCHFORK MEDIA – If pretension is your favoured attitude,and obscuro indie/Billboard pop your favoured music,then you've probably already visited Pitchfork,the only music site

in the world where critics can rate bands to a decimal point. If you can get past the anal reviews,Pitchfork is an excellent resource for uncovering the best new American alternative bands,and its music news is almost unrivalled.

www.pitchforkmedia.com

8.FLIP FLOP FLYIN' – Winner of a prestigious EMAP fanzine award (ahem),Craig Robinson's webzine is a delightful collection of the designer's mini-pop cartoons (of ObserverMusic Monthly fame). The blurry characters appear in a semi-regular cartoons, from a mini-pop guide to Euro 2004 to a mini-pop Sliding Doors-style 'what-if' game of the author's life. Brilliant. Flipflopflyin.com

7.THE SWEARING XYLOPHONEYes,it's an internet xylophone. Yes, each notes makes out the phrase 'You are a f**king c*nt'. Yes,if you practice long enough it sounds like the Futureheads. Brilliant in every imaginable way,and takes longer than it ought to get boring. http://www.limmy.com/playthings/x ylophone/

6.URBAN DICTIONARY – Don't know your Jack In The Box from your Danzigs? Well you may well need UrbanDictionary.com. Collating street vernacular into an easy to navigate guide so that next time you are being abused by a gang of 'hoodie' wearing yobbos calling you a biznorch you can respond by calling them a bunch of oikers while you Dan's Sister them. Or maybe not; it's a lot of fun anyway. www.urbandictionar y.com

5.MINI-CLIP MINI GOLF – As long as you make sure to mute the stupid music before you start,Mini-golf is a fabulous way to waste time. Choose from one of four players (Robert is the best) and make your way round the tricky holes and give yourself a pat on the back if you make par. Which you won't,because Hole 17 is a complete and utter ass-hole (geddit?). www.miniclip.com

4.THE ONION – Satire more pointed than Rory Bremner's head in a pencil sharpener,The Onion,an offshoot of the Harvard founded newspaper,is updated every Wednesday and is full of satire so damn inspired that you wonder if they have a machine which pumps it out. Recent efforts include 'Origami bird poached for scrap paper' and 'One beer plan goes awry'. Genius. www.theonion.com

3.GUARDIAN FOOTBALL

UNLIMITED – The football bit of The Guardian's brilliant corner of the net. Picked out because,unlike other papers,it not only gives you the stories of the day from the print version, but also has net-only columns such as Sid Lowe's reports from La Liga, witty minute-by-minute reports of big matches (featuring email shouting matches between the writers and aggrieved fans) and,best of all,daily football email, The Fiver. If that's not enough for you,or football bores you more than the thought of watching Big Brother contestants sleeping,you can always fly over to the main Guardian site.

football.guardian.co.uk

2.BLAST BILLIARDS – It's pool John,but not as we know it. Pot the balls of dynamite whilst avoiding a variety of obstacles – my favourites being the David Beckham game where one has to avoid mobile phones and Posh. Blast Billiards and its fiendish twin Blast Billiards Deluxe are so mind numbingly hyper-ultra-mega addictive that I have to undo my internet connection when trying to do work. Avoid at all costs. www.blastbilliards.com

1.POST SECRET – One of the simplest,yet most effective,uses of the internet you're likely to find. Run by a chap simply monikered Frank,the premise of the site is simple – write a secret on a homemade postcard, send it in anonymously and see if Frank publishes it. Some of the results are harrowing,"I still haven't told my father I have the same disease that killed my mother," while some are hilarious,"I believe my dead grandmother watches me with great disappointment every time I masturbate". An inspired idea with harrowing,funny and beautiful results,Post Secret is testament to the power of the web. And not just the power to make you waste your time. www.postsecret.blogspot.com

Will Dean

Quench 06 06 05

MORESITES,FROM THE TOP: Craig Robinson’s Flip Flop Flyin’ and one of the postcards sent into our favourite site,PostSecret

D o b e a n s m e a n H e i n z ?

Do value brands mean just that,or do we pay more for less? Nicola Tanner lines the up “best”alongside the rest in a student kitchen.

Have you ever wondered just what exactly you’re getting for your money when you splash out on premium brand food? Can you actually taste the difference between the value option and something that may have cost several times more?

As a money conscious student I felt it was my duty to test this idea using the student staple – beans on toast. All students have at least one can of beans stashed in their cupboard in case of a sudden hunger crisis,and some seem to eat the stuff for nearly every meal,with resulting adverse side effects. Of course no student meal is complete without something sugary,so for dessert we have Angel Delight. Or to use the nonbrand specific description – strawberry flavour dessert mix.

of use stakes. The Value beans were observed to contain a higher proportion of sauce than the others,while the Heinz beans were more pale in colour.

While they were heating up,the bread was prepared for toasting. The Hovis bread came top in appearance with a rustic look,and had the strongest bready smell. (You can’t say this test wasn’t thorough.)

The Lidl bread seemed a bit more dry than the others. No butter or additional flavourings were used in preparation,to maintain the standard taste.

The Value beans still had a lot of sauce compared to the others,and it was a darker red-orange colour. Mr E added that it was quite tomatoey,but it meant you got less beans. I liked them,they just tasted of baked beans to me.

flavour,but kind of like strawberry milk. It was also a much smoother consistency. Angel Delight was Mr E’s favourite,and the only dessert that actually tasted anything like a real strawberry. It had a more mousse-like texture and was less sweet.

Overall there was a mixed response to many of the products, but given a free choice Mr E said he would still go for the brand leaders. However once price is taken into account,the view changes.

Heinz beans cost 39p,over three times as much as Lidl’s 12p beans. If you like the flavour of chemical sweetness then Tesco Value strawberry flavour whip is only 12p compared to Angel Delight at 45p.

There are three contenders – the student’s eternal friend Tesco Value, the more recent foreign arrivals from Lidl and then the brand leader in each category.

For bread I went for white medium sliced Hovis,beanz meanz Heinz of course,and the original dessert mix itself – Angel Delight. I was aided by "Mr E" so I could do a blind test,free from packaging and brand biases. which meant I was stuck with all the cooking myself.

First off,the beans. Heinz and Lidl contenders both came with ring pulls, gaining them early points in the ease

The Value toast was declared to be quite acceptable. Lidl beans had a slight chemical tomato flavour that was a bit odd,but not horrible. The Lidl toast was not universally popular, with Mr E only eating half his slice although I thought it was fine. Mr E recognised the Heinz beans as his usual brand and declared them his favourite,but I found them too sweet. The Hovis toast was nice but not much different to the Value bread as far as taste went.

In a Blue Peter fashion I then produced the desserts I had prepared earlier. The Value dessert was a lighter shade of pink,and didn’t smell of anything compared to the strong strawberry smell coming from the other two contenders.

I thought it tasted quite disgusting,sweet and chemically but decidedly not like strawberries,and only had one spoonful. In contrast Mr E ate quite a bit of it,claiming to like the chemical flavour. Urgh.

The Lidl dessert on the other hand was much nicer,still not a very strong

Tesco Value bread tasted almost exactly the same as Hovis and yet costs only 19p,a saving of 52p per loaf. If you switched from Hovis to Value bread then by the summer you would have saved almost £16,and that could be the difference in whether you can afford to eat at all for the last week or two. Both Mr E and myself agreed that,for the price, the brand leaders just aren’t worth it. So buy Lidl and Value food with pride and fill your cupboards with valuicious products.

HOLA TAPAS

Leah Heffernan gives you the low-down on how you can enjoy the Spanish favourites in your own backyard

Terracotta tiles cover the floor and plentiful bottles of Rioja fill the bar. What’s really attractive is the delicious smells of the seemingly never-ending plates being brought to the tables.

You could be forgiven for thinking that the above is a traditional Spanish bar,however it’s actually a description of one of Cardiff’s new eateries. Wales’ Señors and Señoritas are being treated to one of Spain’s finest exports. No,not San Miguel on tap,but the tapas bar.

There are several tapas bars to be seen around Cardiff - one in the middle of the popular resturant area at Cardiff Bay and another in the Brewery Quarter,to mention a few. There are also several restaurants that have a tapas inspired menu.

So what are tapas? Thought to have been invented in the Andalusía region,tapas (or the literal translation of ‘cover’),refers to the saucer that was customarily placed over a glass of wine,in a bar,to keep the

drink free from flies. A titbit of food was then placed onto the dish to help attract customers into the bar. The notion of tapas originated here, although a more modern description would be the one given in GCSE Spanish classes of ‘bar snacks’.

Bar hopping is part of the sociable Spanish way of life and the idea behind the original Spanish tapas is that you can stop at several bars for a glass of wine with a few friends and sample the tapas specialities of each.

Some of the dishes that you would expect to find in a typical Andalusian tapas bar are mountain cured (serrano) ham,olives and a variety of cheeses. Hot dishes are also available; pil pil are prawns marinated with olive oil and garlic,and pinchito moruno are marinated pork skewers.

For the health conscious tapas can,at first sight,seem a dieter’s nightmare. Many of the dishes are high in oil and carbs,however

51 Food

TAPAS:

“I know noth-eng,I am from Barcelona”

coastal Spain is famous for its fresh fish,which features heavily in many tapas dishes. Atun ahumado (smoked tuna) and cazsn en abodo (marinated fish) are both unusual but enticing. Salads are also plentiful on a tapas menu; remjon is a fusion salad of oranges,cod onions and olives.

What Spanish tapas bars in tourist areas have also introduced is the set tapas menu. For as little as £7,five of the chef’s choice of tapas can be sampled,however this does diminish the sociable bar hopping nature intended in sampling different tapas dishes. Unfortunately the Welsh weather doesn’t lend itself to trekking from bar to bar in search of refreshments either,so the tapas bar owners of Cardiff also offer a varied selection of tapas under one roof.

The average price of an individual tapas dish here is usually about £3.50 and three or four dishes are plenty for two people to share. The array of tapas available in the city’s tapas bars is generally huge,with dishes ranging from tortilla Española (Spanish omelette) to Croquetas de Pollo (croquettes of chicken),so both meat eaters and vegetarians are catered for. With a side order of Pan de Aceitunas (olive bread) tapas can be a filling option. What is so good about tapas is that you can order exactly what you want,whether that is fish, meat,omelette or kidneys in sherry sauce,the latter is obviously an acquired taste.

To recreate holiday memories, all you need to do is get to a tapas bar,have a sangria or three and put off work until mañana. Sombreros and straw donkeys are of course optional.

After nearlytwo years of feeling slightly stiffled in Cardiff,I finally took it upon myself to find the much talked about Roath Park.

Covering over two miles of Cardiff’s leafy suburbs I can’t believe I didn’t find it sooner. It is less than five minutes walk from Albany Road so is perfect for picking up all your picnic essentials from Tesco on the way. The park’s main attraction is the recreational lake,so if you fancy impressing your mates and can rustle up the princely sum of £4.65 then rowing may be the thing for you; alternatively play it safe with a pedalo.

Parklife

With exams behind you and summer ahead, Lisa O’Brien digs out her sunglasses and sucks on her Mr.Whippy as she searches for Cardiff’s best parks

run the risk be prepared to queue for an hour for your strawberry split.

For the tight-fisted out there,other fun and frolics include feeding the ducks,playing in the ‘adventure’ playground (although you may need an accompanying child) or enjoying the conservatory.

The park is best enjoyed on weekdays,weekends are a little manic with every screaming child in Cardiff descending on the park ruining the peaceful atmosphere,and if you do

For something a little closer to home Gorsedd Park is ideally situated within five minutes of both the Union and the City centre. The large open lawn facing City Hall is the perfect spot for sun worshipping,indulging in a good book,paddling in the fountain or simply getting some respite from the hubbub of town at the weekend. The park’s only downfall is the fact that it lies directly off Boulevard des Nantes,so if you don’t fancy being gorped at by coach loads of school children you may prefer the more secluded Cathays Park

The park,situated behind City Hall and the main University building,is discretely enclosed making it the perfect relaxing retreat. However the ornamental gardens and monuments do not provide a grewat arena for playing frisbee,something my friends and I discovered to our detriment having nearly decapitat-

ed a sleeping businessman. We then spent the next half hour trying tog et the frisbee out of a tree with a shoe.

If an afternoon of activity is what you are looking for Bute Park is probably the best place for you. The huge park,which straddles the river Taff,is the ideal location for post-exam celebrations as it is within five minutes of Talybont sports hall.

The park boasts huge plains perfect for 5-a-side football,rounders, BBQs or any other British past time that takes your fancy. Alternatively,the Taff Trail which runs throughout the park is perfect for avid mountain biking fans.

Finally,those who have managed to get through the last term without frittering your loan away on Kappucino baguettes and Lidl sweets (revision essentials) may consider a trip to Oakwood Theme Park,tickets are only £13.75 so it shouldn’t exactly break the bank. The park is only a two hour drive from Cardiff,so thrill-seekers can enjoy the best white-knuckle rides Wales has to offer.

City Hall and Gorsedd Park

National savings

John Stanton looks at how football’s frugal chairmen have boosted young British talent

In 2001,Leeds United were the embodiment of modern football,a club that had embraced the new era of the game and epitomised everything that this new and exciting world had to offer.The club,under the direction of the since discredited Peter Ridsdale,had come to symbolise a game that had become recognisable for its greed and arrogant bluster as much as for its skill and entertainment.

In what was a glorious spring for Leeds fans,manager David O’Leary was reaping the rewards of what was to turn into an ill-fated and disastrous shopping spree. He estimates his total spending reached £90 million. Roughly. The club’s Champions League semi-final defeat to Valencia signalled the end of a period of spending on an unparalleled scale in British football.

Since then,the momentary heartbreak of defeat has been replaced by disbelief and anger amongst supporters,as a club that just four years ago was at the forefront of European competition has been left floundering in the second tier of English football.

Crippled by debt and desperately seeking to overcome the stigma associated with such a catastrophic failure,the club has been stripped of many of its prized assets and no longer constitutes a serious force in English football.

And yet,Leeds’ loss may have been football’s gain.

As Leeds have crumbled,other chairmen across the country appear to have taken notice. And,for once, the much-maligned Football Association took action.

The introduction of the transfer window in August 2002 has changed the face of the British game. The game that once had it all,that just five years ago was at the peak of its commercial powers and consistently looked abroad for new talent,has been forced to re-

align its focus and concentrate on the development of a home-grown future generation.

At the end of the last Premiership season,15 of the 20 top-flight managers hailed from Britain or Ireland. Chairmen have become far more Brit-friendly,prepared to put their faith in someone from these shores, whereas the assumption that dominated the previous decade of football was that foreign was better. In the days of Tottenham’s Christian Gross and Celtic’s Josef Venglos,a foreign player or manager would always be preferred to a Briton. The unknown quantity of foreignness was somehow prized above all else.

At a time when financial security is as likely as a meaningful Henman fist-clench at Wimbledon,clubs have been forced to scout the English leagues in greater depth

A non-British passport was considered a greater weapon than the ability to Cruyff turn past a defender or execute a double step-over. The economic downturn in the British game brought with it a semblance of sense and a return to the pre-modern era of British players in the British game.

While this suits the desires of those traditionalists who remember a perceived utopian game,it is also an invaluable boost to English football itself and English footballers. This season has been characterised by fine performances from young British players like Peter Crouch, Dean Ashton and Kieran Richardson who,ten years ago,would have been shunned in favour of footballers of no greater skill but of more glamorous parentage.

Richardson is a fine example. A player languishing in the Manchester United reserves ten years ago would have found himself in the lower leagues or cast out of football completely. Not today. Now,at a time when financial security is as likely as a meaningful Henman fist-clench at Wimbledon,clubs have been forced to scout the English leagues in greater depth. In Richardson’s case,West Bromwich Albion,struggling for survival,took a chance on him and their faith paid off as his performances contributed to saving them from relegation. And then just a week ago he scored twice on his England debut.

The financial loss of the British game has been to the benefit of young players and managers throughout football. Perhaps an exotic sounding name isn’t everything. Who knows,maybe skill might even count for something now the money’s gone?

Peter Crouch: Would he have prospered five years ago?

T Tunnel unnel

By Manners Television Editor

Ipromised myself,no,I begged myself that this year would be the year. This would be that very special year and it would change my life and ways forever. But no. I’m afraid this year has not seen that huge change I’m so desperately yearning for. Ok,I’ll admit it; I’ve watched the new series of Big Brother. It’s far too soon to be admitting I’ve caught Big Brother’s Little Brother and Big Brother’s Big Mouth. Yes,far too soon.

It’s the time of year when we all know that the summer is almost upon us,lectures have finished and the incessant exams are drawing to a close. By that same logic,it must mean the advent of Big Brother and the total domination of our televisions which follows for the next few months. Its amazing how a show based so loosely around a concept in an old book has actually become the phenomenon that Mr. Orwell was warning us about all those years ago. Ok,so Jade Goody never spewed forth the words ‘eternal war’ from her rather

chubby and mildly annoying lips,but the amount of airtime the show has when it comes around each year has to be second to none. Some of the related shows have been mentioned above (BB’s Little Brother and BB’s Big Mouth) but what about the near 24hour coverage on E4 and the hourlong updates each evening on Channel 4? How can one channel devote so much of its schedule to one show where approximately eight hours of which are spent showing people sleeping? The question we really should be asking ourselves is –why do people watch it?

Those lovely producers wouldn’t keep churning out the same material each year if people weren’t watching it so much. Perhaps it’s the voyeur in all of us that means we take some mild form of pleasure from watching those unlucky contestants stuck in a house together with the constant reminder that,thankfully,‘I’d never do something like that’ and ‘how could they possibly bring themselves to appear on a show like that?’ Whilst the paradox exists that the people who BB would love to appear on the show are precisely the people who never would apply,the people who don’t apply don’t half have some fun watching the people who dive in headfirst.

The point is that I really wanted to abstain from watching BB this year because I’m one of those people who would never appear on the show,but don’t mind watching those who do

and it’s hypocritical in a way to do so. I couldn’t help myself though. The thoughts,‘I’ll just watch them enter the house and then switch it off’ are an absolute death-wish for those on the BB diet because rather than cut down on the viewing time,you actually become intrigued and need to watch more. Damn,it’s the power of television.

So if like me you’re abstaining from watching the Big Brother phenomenon this year (as such because it’s in its sixth series now) then you’d better shut the curtains,lock the door and make sure you’ve got your cable bill paid because this summer all you’ll be doing is watching other peoples lives unfold on screen before you whilst yours passes you by. Perhaps a support group is the way forward so that BB sufferers (myself included) can switch off together. Oh fuck it, here comes Davina.

DAVINA: McAwful

VinylRestingPlace

with Bastian Springs

Summerhas a lot to answer for. The la-la season itself,which is challenged only by late December in the excuses-for-lunacy stakes. The slow news months,the sun baking everyone’s brains and ears to saltwater soaked mush,the long days of peeling the skin off your lover’s back. What better time to shell out your summer job in One Stop’s earnings on some over-ripe Eastern Bloc drivel that your friends boyfriend’s brothers ex had her peach pummelled to by a waiter in the staff room fof Slovenian cafe? Well,quite. But you know you will. But have no fear,those of you who aren’t going abroad,because on home soil we have the ray of shit-shine that is the festival anthem. You know the one Imean,the one Jo Whiley said was good?The no-brainer with the three word chorus that’s about beer and fit girls,and beanie-hatted Goof Troopers drawl in the park. Yeah, it truly is the season to be jolly. Ha,and you thought I was going to write about the frog...

Record #11 - IanVan Dahl - Castles in the Sky Crime:Illigal Immigrant (Origin:Ibiza)

Oh Dave Pearce,you really spoil us. Without your fat ones every summer,we’d have nothing to get beaten up to outside the rollerdisco come July.

Ibiza’s not all bad: Roger Sanchez,Stardust,Moloko and Tim De Luxe have all come up with passable Balaeric blockbusters which even agoraphobic cellar dwellers can nod amiably to. But for every moment of

Kaisers: Ricky Butchers

Music Sounds Better with You ecstasy,there’s always a spoonful of turd to help the sunset go down.

This belter,from 2001,is not necessarily the worst (DJ Jean’s The Launch,come on down!) of the bunch but Ian Van Dahl’s tosh is now so legendarily bad even the clubbing morons have disowned it.

Forgive me if I haven’t spent three days on the same bacardi-loaded piss party,covered

myself in foam,slapped my sweaty,pasty baps all over a transparent tabletop in Manumission,and then gurned my way down a lanky scouse lothario’s torso on a beach whilst his mate rubs sand all over my arse in the name of having a laff with the boys,like,but there is no way under this,the sun around which we revolve,am I going to take this bollocks seriously.

Record #10 - Kaiser Chiefs - Oh My God

Oh my God,I can’t believe it either,the golden age of ale-vomiting three-and-in sideburn and bowl-cut era of lads together on holiday has returned!

This should be the first jingly-jangly spiffing-lovely über-English saucer of purest tripe to unite both tanked up pseuo-Mancunian boys who like to waggle their dicks over the campfire,and the braindead hussies who adore said boys,and long for the days of Melody Maker gimpswith-haircuts poster pullouts, since Parklife

The post-millenial Supernaturals struck gold earlier this year,with their unique mix of Franz Ferdinand-esque band name and the decision to release records when Franz Ferdinand weren’t,and apparently are going to play the US broadcast of Live Aid II. Because they are as revered and respected as U2 and David Bowie were in 1984.

But this is all about the image and the butterfly effect that the offending item has caused with its comical buffoonery. What about the song itself? Well,with its dated

honky-tonk bar room chord sequence through the verses which makes Just the One by the Levellers sound like a good time,and obligatory

“whoooooooaaaahooooaaaah”that every ‘Chiefs song has to stuff into the bridge,and let’s see, there’s a line about “wearing a shirt with your name-tag on it” so they know their way around anti-capitalism too.

Oh my god,you’d better believe it,this Greenfieldsbothering Shine anthem is here not just for March,it’s for the whole summer. I’m off to Benidorm.

By Bastian Springs No Spring Chicken

Dave Pearce: Fat One