Quench Issue 34 - 13 Feb 2006

GEORDIE’S LAST STAND NOISE AND CONFUSION IN CARDIFF

37

Best Student Publication 2005

06 02 06 quench@gairrhydd.com Best Student Magazine 2005

he saw... he went off in a huff

Mr Chuffy: The Princess of Whales

Interviews: Ben double

Fashion: Anna Wintour wonderland

Features: TIMMY!

Food: Cock jokes

Travel: Lost in Gotham

Reviews: Different Strokes for different folks

Music: They’re machines. But shhh!

Start spreading the news etc. Welcome to Quench’s New York special – a minor celebration of the world’s greatest city. Why New York? Why now? Well, why not? New York represents everything,rightly or wrongly,the American dream stands for - the centre of the Western world’s economic and cultural map. From Arthur Miller to Friends,from the Chrysler Building to Central Park, from Yankee Stadium to Ground Zero it’s rare that a day passes without some part of our minds being distracted by some part of New York.

Film: A burning ring of fire

Books: Two books? 21? Good grief.

TV: Scum dancing - on ice!

Bastian: Genius

Editor Will Dean

Executive editor Tom Wellingham

Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan

Sub-editors Sam Coare,Catherine Gee

To some,New York might be a monolithic mean symbol of everything that is wrong with the West. To me when I think of NYC I think of the comic genius of Seinfeld,the folk clubs of Dylan,the cocktails of Sex and the City and the Mean Streets of Scorsese. In short,for better or for worst,New York is both the world’s cultural capital and its cultural barometer. Could any other city’s suffering so captured the hearts and minds of the world like New York did in 9/11? Even if we haven’t been there,there is a little part of our brain that knows New York City intimately from film,TV, music and legend.

The city’s multi-cultural make-up is only rivalled by London and from it comes an array of amazing performers,foods (Waldorf salad, Manhattan clam chowder),fashions and buildings. In short,the city’s great.

Arts Kim O’Connor,Rebecca Child Blind Date Sarah Ahmad Books James Skinner Columnists John Widdop,Gareth Paisey Cult Classics Matt Turtle Debate Helen Rathbone Digital Sam Curtis Fashion Charlotte Howells,Clare Hooker Features Kerry Lynne-Doyle,Hannah Perry Film Catherine Gee,Ryan Owen Food Sian Hughes Gay Fenar Mohammed-Ali Going Out Lisa O’Brien Interviews Xandria Horton,Amira Hashish Mr Chuffy Andy Johnson Music Sam Coare,Harold Shiel,Greg Cochrane One Trick Pony Geordie,Sam Coare,Will Dean Photography Luke Pavey,Adam Gasson, James Perou Travel Bec Storey,Amy Harrison

Contributors Holly Marshall,Jimi Williams Andrew Mickel,Jennifer Dunkerly,Jason Jones,Timothy,Adam Boulton, Jemtage,Nicky Menage,Jo Wiggins,Sophie Robehmed,Megan Conner,Pedro Gemal,Nick Jenkins,Sam Gangloff, Zoe Efstathiou,Jen Long,Adam Gasson,Vince Noir,Nick Jenkins,Ewen Hosie,Ruth Manning and Liz Stephens

Proof readers Andrew Mickel,Sam Coare,Jess Anderson,Lucy Plant,Alice Andersson,Lydia Hughes,Chris Clear Cover design Will Dean and Graeme Porteous Thought of the week: “Chris White: GR 2004 - 2006 - we’re gonna miss you buddy” and one more thing: “Armadillos only give birth to twins” - Harold Shiel

So,where do we start? Jay-Z? Woody Allen? Humphrey Bogart? Al Capone? Robert De Niro? 50 Cent? Milton Friedman? Michael Jordan? Ralph Lauren? Andy Warhol? The list of New York’s cultural icons is endless and hopefully this edition of Quench will give you a little insight into how much it has to offer - even if your own blinkered vision of the USA is as a totemic superpower intent on forcing its own confused ideologies onto poorer unsuspecting nations...

Well,you can’t win them all. Perhaps we should just go and catch Rent on Broadway.

Turning into glue

Do you remember being 14? It was clearly quite a memorable year for me: a friend and I both, during a New Year Bryan Adams singalong,spontaneously changed the lyrics from the Canadian’s Summer of ’69 to our summer of ’97.

A schoolfriend of ours – a girl we all ‘secretly’ fancied – had her cousin come to stay for a few weeks. We got along swimmingly,and stayed in touch for a couple of years,much to the chagrin of Secretly Fancied Friend – well that was the point,wasn’t it? – using a local telephone box to stay away from parental ears.

gery,and the incident captured on video via its digital successor.

That nothing ever changes is,of course,complete bollocks. Everything changes,sooner or later. Here,on this magazine,where the team differs yearly,it happens rather more quickly.

there’ll be infinitely more wist (all of it mine) for the latter. Any sentiment for this column will go about as far as “I wonder what happened to Geordie. He made me laugh three times. Out loud!”

GEORDIE

This being a small town,where a ‘facelift’ of the high street was moving a lamp-post three yards up the road and the burning-out of the indoor market a relief,nothing ever changed much. So imagine our surprise at discovering,while staggering home from the pub over the holidays,that the phone box had disappeared. I can only assume it was vandalised to bug-

( O v e r r a t e d )

“

I’ve got a mobile, and don’t need a phone box. (And now I can film muggings,too.)

The old joke goes that there’s no ‘i’ in ‘team’. (I say ‘joke’. It’s actually about as funny as being simultaneously diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, Aids,Cancer and Alzheimer’s.) There’s no ‘I’ in this team anymore,either: I, like the phone box,have gone,too.

Columnists and telephone boxes aren’t entirely dissimilar: alright while they’re there,but it takes nine years to notice they’ve gone. Of the two,

And the reply will be “Hated him, actually,” and any potential conversational follow-up on the unique ability of the columnist (even a tosspot student one) to divide and anger will be interrupted by Neighbours starting, the collective wits dulled by the easy flow of information.

That’s where the real parallel lies: technology. If I ever again wanted to call J— D— from P—,I’ve got a mobile,and don’t need a phone box. (And now I can film muggings,too.) If you want to read what others have to say,you can,with the rise in popuarity of blogging,find something that suits your taste on the web.

Those of you with brain enough not to have dismissed these columns as ‘offensive’ can even read more from me,but I’m not going to tell you where to find it. That much you can

Living in the meteorologically-confused nation we do,means that whenever it snows we go loopy-happy and get our sleds out. However if one was to live in a slightly more weather-consistent country such as Russia or Finland the sight of the stuff is enough to reduce you to tears. OTP was recently dispatched to Southern Poland (the warm bit) only to find itself trudging through about six feet of six-week-old snow whilst trying to find the right train to get to a concentration camp. Despite wearing about five layers and the thermal vest Granny OTP gave us for Christmas it was still colder than a passionate night with Vladimir Ilyich Lenin. The previous furthest North we’ve ever been is Darlington so our trip to the Arctic (ish) was a grim warning that any future Day After Tomorrow-like weather catastrophes will be less fun than the film in question.

( Not sharing your bed )

Whilst,in theory,sharing a bed with your loved one ought to be quite a relaxing experience the opposite is true. It’s okay when said bed is a king-sized orthopaedic Cribs-style monster with room for at least five auxillary “bitches”, “pimps” and suchlike. But when your bed was bought at discount from Heli-beds and is just about big enough to fit an Emperor penguin (average height three to three and a half feet) in,it becomes a bit of a squeeze when you try and fit two fully-grown adults inside. The end result is waking up feeling like the ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage has spent the last seven and a half hours practising his origami skills with your shoulders. A friend of Quench used to move her boyfriend postcoitally into a camp-bed. It’s harsh - but so is long-term spinal damage.

(

( Snow )

U n d e r r a t e d )

Mood: resigned

There ain’t no shame in growing old. It just hurts to hell. Long gone are the days of going nuts on too many blue Smarties,racing around the back garden after anything stupid enough to move in your line of sight. Instead,even climbing the Union stairs leaves us out of breath. Our bodies hurt after the most meagre level of exercise; we wake up in the morning feeling more tired than when we went to bed.

This little urchin,by comparison,had it all figured out. He saw what bleak future lay before him in the withered shell of Wendy. Behind the loveable smile,pixie ears and mildly erotic velvet suit,lays the mind of a genius,methodical to the smallest degree,avoiding the pains of reaching the past-it age of 20,forever preserving himself in the prime of his youth. All he has to worry about in his life is pirates,which given his relative age, would be a fucking brilliant concern to have.

Given the choice,we’d all take his place,pissing around in the sunshine of Neverland (not Jacko’s) with a bunch of lost-boys,seemingly so distraught at not finding their (probably) off-their-faces-on-crack parents in their inner-city council slum that their only escape lies in imaginary foodfights. And the fucker could fly.

Let’s face it,the competition doesn’t need any help. With a coked-up and overweight/past it centre-half partnership,a midfield where the inspired captain of England’s second best team is shackled to allow a Michelin-man impersonator free license to hit a few (deflected) 30 yarders,and a strike partnership ruined by,well,Newcastle and that dirty United,it’s easy enough for them as it is.

Add in England’s inability to convert or even save penalties and all whichever sub-standard African team need do is play for the draw. So why Britain’s second scummiest newspaper felt the need to throw a proverbial spanner in already strained works through their derailing of English football further is almost as big a mystery as why men have nipples.

One can presume it’s merely because they’re a bunch of shite-merchants,who know that come June time,England might have actually stood a chance of winning something. And that just won’t do. After all,what are the English if not a bunch of footballing failures? Underdogs you say? Fuck it,that just won’t do either. Now that the England cricket team’s sorted itself out since,well,more tabloid headlines from the cunts at the S*n branded them the worst team ever,efforts must be tripled. England must fail,or else they’ll all be out of jobs/required to print something truthful (God forbid). Farewell,then,Sven,and thanks for the memories... Well, beating Germany 5-1 anyway.

“I recently presented something for the Guardian Media Student Awards, which was a room-full of people who refused to applaud unless they had won the award. That was ashtonishing. So in comparison I m sure a roomfull of drunken rock stars will be easy.

Host of the notorious NME ‘Brat’ Award, Russell Brand (right) isn’t intimidated after presenting our annual student media shindig

THE BEST ONLINE SHOP EVER? www.toypresidents.com

Our eyes were caught by the OUTRAGE! article in the Mirror about a Princess Di doll. But on closer inspection Toy Presidents is a very special kind of clever. Featuring Einstein and Jesus,as well as various ex-Presidents and First Ladies, these ‘life-like’ creations are enough to scare the beejesus out of your kids/Daily Mail readers - so it’s a winner all round really. Genius. MOSES DOLL: Accurate to the finest detail. Eh?

After years with the web presence of a Luddite-amoeba we are finally moving into the 21st century. Watch out for a shiny new Quench mini-site - coming soon.

IPop quiz time pop quiz fans. Are you reading: a) a biting social satire b) about the truth c) The Daily Mail? Send youranswers on the back of a sex offender.

Mr Chuffy Investigates...

Peter the Blacksmith and his deviant tool

magine a world where children played harmoniously in rainbowkissed fields,a place where your child skipped merrily and untroubled along the road of life to school. Imagine a world where your child was safe and happy at school,learning about The Romans and Pythagoras’ Theorem but at an acceptable age and in an appropriate manner. Now wake up and smell the hot caffein-based beverage you tosspiece.

Panic erupted in every playground in the world last week when a leaky Whitehall memo revealed that a very small minority of children,but perhaps all,were being taught by disturbed tools. The leaky memo was extremely wet and thusly rather difficult to interpret the smudged graphemes. However,a Fleet Street based orangutang,expert in reading soggy paper,was flown in to make up the story. According to the ape, Education Secretary Ruth Kelly had cleared the tool to enter a school and teach a class of 45 year old children about photosynthesis.

Following a complex journalistic witch hunt,the tool was found to originate from Nonster,a small village in Yorkshire and belong to a chap called

Peter. On further investigation it emerged that Peter was a Blacksmith; not a gentleman of dark skin with a popular British surname but a man who earns an honest crust through forging and shaping iron with hammer and anvil. Further,it appears that a hardened steel tool,belonging to Peter,with cutting ridges for forming, smoothing or reducing metallic surfaces,entered a school in Preston and began educating after being cleared by Kelly. Peter’s file then proceeded to expand upon chlorophyll,the light absorbing pigments integral in the conver-

about his otter dependency,claimed that the proposed reforms do not go far enough. Instead of going to Walsall or Folkestone,Gobble wants the reforms to go to Venezuela or Pluto. Debate still rages as to whether Pluto is a real planet or something else.

“ Outrage has spread like butter on the fire of disgust

sion of water and carbon dioxide into simple carbohydrates. A psychiatric report has subsequently described the tool as “immeasurably deviant”

Outrage has spread like butter on the fire of disgust with news that Peter was a registered Blacksmith. As a fully paid up member of T.I.T.E.B.U.M. (Tool Industry Technician Experts and Blacksmith Union of Merchants),Peter is legally covered for any injury or death as a direct result of horse shoes. The under-fire Minister has called for an immediate investigation into the cockup. “I am calling for an immediate investigation into the cock-up” she told the House on Tuesday,with an urgent review into the type of people allowed shoeing foals.

One of them ministers what don’t like what the others say,said he didn’t like what she said. Fahrenheit Gobble,who recently resigned from party leadership following revelations

Ousted Gobble, who resigned last week after admitting to drinking fifteen otters a ,is gradually being weaned off river-dwelling mammals and is said to have reduced his habit to three water voles per day.

Additional Downing Street headaches beckon. Following the pandemic panic of bird flu entering Turkey,fears are growing following the apparent spread of whale whooping cough. Whale whooping cough originated from eating bad plankton but the disease can spread between the giant sea mammals through yawning. Once infected the animal will do a silly cough and eventually die. Of greater concern to Marine Scientific boffins is the tendency for infected animals to attempt to teach whilst on the sex offenders register. Last week an infected whale was spotted swimming up the Thames. The disturbed sea donkey was thought to be heading towards a primary school in Henley where it planned to teach some RE. If whale whooping cough spreads to humans ministers fear a Paedo-demic. Alerts were heightened with news of an infected sperm whale within the Celebrity Big Brother house. A spokesperson for show-makers Endemol said “someone must have smuggled the whale into the house for a bit of a laugh but I can’t see anyone laughing now.” An Icelandic whaling party has been dispatched to harpoon the spluttering mass of blubber and return calm within the celebrity reality contest.

Paedo cock-up in schools

Ben Folds’ music never ceases to impress. His varied life and witty sense of humour combine to create a quirky perspective on everyday scenarios. Folds always has something unexpected to stay. Maybe because his life has been so unpredictable.

“I moved to New York for a while when I was younger,” he explains. “I mostly grew up in North Carolina. I have lived in Nashville and Australia as well. New York has always been really loyal to me though. I have always had an understanding with my New York audience. It is a special place to play. There has always been someone who wanted me to be in New York,which is kind of cool. Not to use one of those camp counsellor clichés but I love New York. I think it is one of the most amazing cities in the world. The people in it are a really interesting combination of tough, smart and neurotic. It can be a really

Ben there, done that

Amira Hashish talks travel,talent and family ties as she takes a trip down memory lane with Ben Folds...

of the British lifestyle for the singer. “I feel really comfortable in the UK. I like the British sense of humour. In America there is a tendency for people to repeat a punch line and look at you for reaction. That gets old. Over there,it’s more chilled out.”

it. But if anyone has the chance to visit the city they should.”

His enthusiasm is slightly dampened when he appreciates that things will never be the same as they were before 9/11. “The atmosphere never got completely back to normal after September 11. It is hard to explain what normal is though. The really cynical people in New York don’t believe any explanations for what it was that actually happened on the day. I can understand their cynicism though.”

Folds is not a stranger to city life. “When I was eighteen I wanted to move to London because so much of my favourite music was from Britain. So I visited with not enough money to survive. I didn’t realise I couldn’t live on £150. It sucked. I’m glad I did it, but I remember at the time just carrying my stuff from one place to another. I’d get kicked out of the youth hostel at ten in the morning. Eventually,I didn’t have enough money to stay there any more so they let me clean up rooms.”

There were some positive aspects

It is this laid- back attitude that has seen the musician play the most obscure of venues. “I like playing anywhere. There is always something unique about the place. I even liked playing Helsinki in some crappy little forty-people club years ago when it was dark all day long.”

Although each country has different venues,Folds’ audience remains consistent.

“I feel like it’s similar people in every country that are drawn to my shows. The gene pool is pure. Because it has been such a slow, long climb for me and I haven’t had the benefit of proper marketing,people tend to come to my shows because they have found the music.”

It is the musician’s passion for what he does best that has seen him strive for recognition of his talent.

“Every day is going to be humiliating if you are a musician,” he understands. “No one is going to always follow their heart. Sometimes you do what you think is right and you get kicked right back in your place. The difference is if you do what you believe in at least you got that. I observed the world of politics for a few days because I did a political benefit for Hillary Clinton. Watching that process from her point of view I realised how hard it would be as

Continued on Page 8

a politician to stick by your guns. I wanted to pull her aside and say I’ think you should stick by your instincts because it worked for me.’ As if I’m going to tell her something at her age that she doesn’t know!”

So from where does Folds’ passion for his job stem? “I have a relationship with music that is different from anything else. But I don’t even really believe I wrote most of my songs. I feel like every song I have written is beyond my ability,” he admits.

“Art in general is someone more talented than your average person who is aspiring beyond their ability because they have a great will to express something. It is often the case that I think I have got the point in the song but something about it is simply not great enough. I may work for a long time trying a lot of different things and I hit a point where I think,‘now I’m breaking the law a little bit.”

Folds’ perspective on his own music is surprising. “I don’t think any selfrespecting musician would be happy with their own record. It is usually when I make the next one that I see the wisdom of the album before. I hated Rockin’The Suburbs when I made it. It is only when making Songs for Silverman I realised how good it was. Hopefully when I make my next album I’ll look back on Silverman and

not dislike it.” The characters behind the songs have hidden depths.“All the characters have a bit of the person that I wrote about and a bit of me in them because that is the filter that I am seeing them through. I like Sara in Zak and Sara. She is born from someone I know and a book called Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger. I grabbed a couple of things that I though the female character might say. Suddenly someone else was born that I didn’t know and I liked her. It’s like in a marriage when you make a kid! You hope it’s okay and doesn’t get into too much trouble and wreck your car.”

The proud father dedicated Gracie to his daughter although now regrets it. “In her school,the twelfth-graders point and say,‘there’s that Gracie girl.’ I feel like I really shouldn’t have written that song for her now,” he laughs.

“ Art... is someone more talented than your average person who is aspiring beyond their ability

Folds’ artistic impression

So will she be following in her father’s musical footsteps? “If she wants to. She is only six and because of her personality she already feels pressure to be great at something. I hope if she wants to have a farm and sit out in the middle of nowhere with a sheep then that’s what she does. I sat down on the bathroom floor with her and had a long chat about why she doesn’t have to be great at anything. She is a lot like me. Her twin brother isn’t though. He is a very wise little cat. I don’t think anyone should have to be ambitious. You can see ambition in Gracie. I wouldn’t say I’m sad for her but I hope that she can relax. “

There have been times in Folds’ life when he has needed a break from the music scene. “It’s fine to take time out. In high school,I lost interest in music. I learned how to drive and had a girlfriend. If someone asked me what I was going to be at the same time I wouldn’t have known.”

He studied English at college. “It’s a good subject but there is a little too

FOLDS:“Ithink New York is one of the most amazing cities in the world”

much reading for me,” he confesses. “Now I read about photo-chemistry so I can understand it better. I spend a lot of time on photography. Everything is going digital. I’ll embrace that when I have to but right now I just feel like in thirty or forty years some kid wants to learn the ancient Chinese secret of developing film then I can show them.”

Photography is Folds’ latest passion but there is no worry of him leaving the music industry. “I’m working on a soundtrack and a new album at the moment. I’m thinking about getting involved in a musical. Michael Stipe wants me to do the music. He is hooking up with people who are little off the beat. I have met them and I like where they are going. The theme of the musical is growing up in a Christian school in high school America. It is really funny.”

As Mr. Folds says,“Life is short. You have got to make something out of it when you get into it.”

Songs for Silverman is out now

Digesting Dickens and other great works

Holly Marshall meets with BAFTA-award winning Bleak House and Pride and Prejudice screen-writer

Andrew Davies

He is best known for adaptations of classic novels to TV mini-series and feature films. Davies invited me round for coffee at his impressive Victorian house in Kenilworth to chat about the success of his work,what it takes to become a screenwriter and what’s in the pipeline for the future.

Davies was born here in Cardiff and attended Whitchurch School. Having gone on to University,graduating with an English degree from University College,London,Davies worked as a lecturer at Warwick University. The success of his satire on campus life at Warwick, A Very Peculiar Practice, convinced him to take up writing full-time in 1986. Since then he’s gone from strength to strength with Houses of Cards, Middlemarch and the unforgettable Pride and Prejudice

P&P was recently made into a Working Title movie. Andrew’s reaction? “I didn’t think it was as good as our version,but it’s a very enjoyable film.”

It was 2005’s popular Bleak House that brought Davies his most recent acclaim: “I think it’s a great thing if people are encouraged to read the books; the language of Dickens can be difficult to grasp,which is why it sometimes helps to watch on screen first,it’s a good way into it.” Criticism that he ‘sexes up’ his screenplays to draw audiences is countered by the fact that Davies believes it encourages more people to read the books. Indeed,Amazon reported a 290 per cent increase in sales of the Dickens’s classic Bleak House follow-

ing the start of his most recent adaptation to hit our screens. Davies remarks how “teachers often find that if pupils know the story from watching the film it makes reading the book easier and overcomes some of the more difficult Dickensian language”.

“ If pupils know (the film) it makes reading... the more difficult Dickensian language easier

Davies’ reasoning for televised adaptations in schools

Davies is now regularly commissioned by the BBC to do period dramas which is how Bleak House came into being - “Bleak House was suggested to me by the BBC but it can work both ways,Trollope was one I took to them”. It was certainly one that Davies felt he could get his teeth into. The series,which was shown in half-hour segments,followed how Dickens serialised his novel and Davies admits that the ‘soap opera’ approach was designed to leave the viewer on the edge of their seats wanting more.

The snappy editing and flashback sequences gave it a sinister,thriller approach and Davies was very pleased with the outcome. Having a cast list of practically everyone who is anyone in British theatre and television helped enormously but the wealth of characters and the detail

ANDREWDAVIES: Dickens would be proud

that Dickens provides gave Davies plenty of scope for characterisation, without taking liberties with the text. He likes to remain actively involved in all areas of the pre-broadcast production,giving his input into the location, scenery and costume as well as cinematography.

As he is the man behind some of television’s finest productions,I wanted to know what he enjoyed watching. Davies is not keen on action films and is not a big fan of what he describes as the cliché ridden Harry Potter series. Instead he prefers subtle,sophisticated comedies.

COLINFIRTH: Mr Darcy, Mark Darcy,it’s all about Colin

10 Interviews

Hardly surprising when we know that he co-wrote with Richard Curtis and Helen Fielding both the hugely popular “Bridget Jones” films. How did he feel about having an American actress cast in the title role of what is a very English character?

He assured me that casting was a collaborative process between writers, directors and casting but obviously for box office success the draw of a Hollywood name was important. Davies was most impressed by Renee Zellweger’s commitment to the part and insists that she did a fantastic job: “She even worked incognito as a temp. at a London publishing house to get to grips with her character. In fact it is hard now to imagine anyone else in that role which she has made her own.”

RENEE: Embodied the ‘Bridget’ character

Giving up his nine-to-five day job was a hard decision for Davies but it was necessary in order to devote himself to his writing. He admits that it was a scary time and that early on he suffered from ‘writer’s block’ and more frequently ‘writer’s laziness’. This was good to know and made me feel much better about my current

“ It is hard now to imagine anyone else in a role which she [Renee] made her own

Davies’ respect for actress Renee Zellweger

essay which lies in disarray on my laptop.

Part of his inspiration and some early influences were 1960s writers such as Dennis Potter,Harold Pinter and Tony Marchant. Whilst he is known overwhelmingly for his screenplays,Davies wants to be remembered as primarily a writer having tackled children’s books,musicals and stage plays.

For those wishing to pursue a career as a writer or screenwriter Davies suggests that perseverance is the key.

His advice to young writers looking for success is to do lots of writing, read extensively,watch films and learn from them and try writing a half an hour episode of your favourite soap to see how it flows. Keep sending things in to commissioning editors to get yourself and your work known.

After all everyone has to start somewhere and this was no different for Andrew Davies.

His standing in his field as a screen writer means that more often than not if he approaches the BBC with an idea,as he did with the Trollope novel The Way We Live Now, they are usually willing to listen; after all he did win the BAFTA’s Fellowship Award in 2002.

“ Write lots,read extensively,watch films... try writing an episode of your favourite soap

Davies’ advice to aspiring writers

Whilst he was flattered and honoured by the award which sits in pride of place on his mantelpiece,he did admit that it felt like a kind of nudge to step aside and let others have some glory. However,he has no intention of slowing down and assures me there is plenty more writing and adaptations to come.

What next? A controversial adaptation of Alan Hollinghurst’s The Line of Beauty,a Booker prize winning novel set in the Thatcherite era which contains lashings of politics,sleaze and gay sex. “The Line of Beauty which I’m working on now was one I sug-

gested to the BBC and its lovely when you find a modern novel to work with”

Also in the pipeline is another Jane Austen novel “Sense and Sensibility” which promises to be another epic production,both of which we can look forward to seeing later this year.

LIZ AND FITZ: Arguably one of the greatest romances on the page (and now screen) and that’s a fact

McGOWAN: interesting Bleak House casting choice

Going Out

Downtown and out

Jimi Williams gives us his own pick of the stunningly varied New York City nightscene

Start spreading the news (sorry)New York City simply cannot be beaten for the sheer diversity it provides in terms of late night drinking holes. If you are looking for dance,comedy,cabaret,jazz or simply a bit of pop there will always be a venue to suit your desire.

There is no set area of New York that is brimming with nightlife, because well,the nightlife generally is New York itself. Whether you decide to visit a club in downtown,mid-town, or up-town they are all easily accessible thanks to the excellent subway service and moderately priced taxis that run throughout the night.

A personal favourite of mine is Arlene’s Grocery on the lower east side,where acts such as Jeff Buckley and the Strokes have graced the stage. It was one of the earliest rock clubs in New York and remains a hallowed hall of head-banging; Metros eat your heart out.

If rock isn’t your thing and you are just looking for some general off-thewall fun then my tip would be to head to an Irish bar. Trust me,they know how to part-ay. McSorley’s Old Ale House,also on the lower east side,is a traditional Irish pub where the floor has been scattered with sawdust to

take care of any stray spillages - how thoughtful. This is the bar to head to if a large quantity of cheap beer is your thing. McSorley’s is now viewed as an Irish institution; it only provides two choices of ale to its customers,though at such low prices it won’t be long before you stop noticing what you are drinking.

Pulp Fiction aficionados may want to check out Jack Rabbit Slims (scene of the infamous dance routine between Uma Thurman and John Travolta). Whilst it is not the same club used in the film,it has the same general vibe where dancing becomes

essential. This club oozes 60s sexploitation; its red leather panels and dance poles create a unique atmosphere that Austin Powers couldn’t help but find groovy.

Hedonists beware; every club will require proof of age before allowing you in,so if you are under the age of 21 you might want to invest in some naughty identification. And New York is not cheap. Expect to open your wallet and keep it on hand all night long; drinks range from £3 - £8 (ouch) depending on your type of tipple and venue. You are guaranteed a blast experiencing New York’s nightlife whatever your taste or age,it’s up to you… New York,New York (ahem).

THEOLDALEHOUSE: You won’t find Anna Wintour in here

ARLENE’S GROCERY: One of NY’s most famous rock clubs. Note the missing ‘‘s’

Big Apple Big Ben

LONDON. SAY IT QUIETLY,NOW;this is Wales after all,a land where the L-word is a borderline abusive term.

There are some spectacularly bizarre beliefs of what London is from this side of the country. Whilst many Welsh people have bemoaned to me that people don’t know Wales is a nation apart from England,they seem equally unwilling to realise the 35 million people of south-east England aren’t all Londoners. I’m from Essex,but to many people here it is considered another borough of the Big Smoke. The perception of London has,it’s fair to say, become a vague abstract,reduced in people’s minds to being just a sprawl of traffic,crime and dirt.

It’s easy to forget the great things that London represents. From the big to the small,there are reminders all over the capital of why it has been a world city for centuries. The Houses of Parliament aren’t just beautiful gothic buildings,but the home of democracy. The South Bank isn’t just a monument to 1950s ambition; it’s home to some of the most important cultural production in the world, showing the best of what we have to offer in film, music and art.

Yet these are just the headline events of what London has to offer. It has a greater diversity and deeper rooted range of ethnic communities than even New York,but rooted in a British ability not to harp on about it at every given opportunity. From the black communities in Brixton to the north London Jews,the city is a living,breathing multicultural success story. There are hundreds of communities all expanding and contracting,mingling and evolving,and it’s where the fundamental spirit of the city comes from.

So why is it still a sin to admire the far end of the M4? The contrast with New York is a telling one. The slow,painful demise of New York is,in large part,because it is caught up in its own hype of what it is. With its role as economic capital of the world seeping to the East and cultural production barely audible,the Big Apple has become a parody of itself. But from this distance,it’s easier to buy into that parody than admire what we have developed in our own land.

The details are easy to forget when ‘London’ easily becomes a faceless mass of traffic and noise. Yet London is made up of its constituent parts. Its strength and magnetism lies in diversity through one single,evolving entity. From Westminster to the City,and from Bush House to Buck House,it represents the best of all of us. Whether you are from Camden or Cardiff,you’re part of that too.

WHILST THE ABSURDITYof wearing I Heart NY T-shirts was dead until September 11 2001, most New Yorkers don’t actually prattle on about New York - it just becomes them.

Whereas,due to our size as a nation,things are usually classified as quintisentially English or British than Mancunian or London-ish (think the Small Faces and the Smiths). And what is the regional adjective for something from London?

Anyway,before 9/11 New Yorkers rarely felt the need to wear their city colours with pride - the millions around the world (and Fred Durst) wearing Yankees caps did that for them.

New York is home to some of the world’s best architecture: The Met,the Natural History Museum, Grand Central Station. Although London also boasts many,many spectacular buildings it also had the pleasure of being set upon by 1970s town planners with less taste than Jebediah Springfield.

New York also acts as a cultural mecca. Any aspiring artists will remember vividly their first gig in New York (see page 16) and Bob Dylan’s Chronicles paints Greenwich Village’s folk scene of the 1960s as the epicentre of 20th century’s cultural revolution.

Although Rudi Guiliani’s drastic crime-prevention may have removed some character and edge away from NYCthey do make it a much more pleasant and cleaner city to live in than London either has been or

London’s two celebrated periods at the peak of the world’s cultural conciousness (1969 and arguably 1996) are dwarfed by the endless supply of New York creatives like Martin Scorsese,Woody Allen and Andy Warhol. If the best we can do is serialphilanderer and fashion criminal Mick Jagger then London doesn’t really have a pair to stand on

New York is snowy in the winter and hot in the summer. London is wet in the winter and wet in the summer. It’s not fair is it?

Perhaps the best testament to NYC’s all round greatness is that it can inspire someone who’s never even been there to dedicate a whole edition of a magazine to it. Ahem.

Andrew Mickel

Will Dean

“Carrie Bradshaw knows good style”

Kerry-Lynne Doyle explores how Sex and the City raised the profile of New York fashion

New York is no stranger to style. Attracting flocks of fashionistas to its fashion week,the city is packed with eclectic looks from the classic grace of Fifth Avenue to the funkier I’ve-gotta-haveit offerings of Elizabeth Street.

Immortalised on screen in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, the styles of the city have become a mecca for fashionhungry women worldwide. But nothing has quite captured New York chic like Sex and the City. Confident and permanently quirky,what Charlotte, Miranda,Samantha and Carrie were wearing on screen became as popular as the show itself.

Now immortalised as a cult classic of both TV and fashion, Sex and the City and New York vogue have remained hand in hand.The show was an instant hit when it graced our screens in 1998. Based on Candace Bushnell’s best-selling novel, Sex and

the City struck a chord with women and men the world over with its provocative plotlines and representation of thirty-something women as smart,sassy and sexual. However,it soon became apparent that women weren’t only watching for the storylines – they were tuning in for the clothes too.

The show’s stylist for four seasons, Rebecca Weinberg,won an Emmy for her styling efforts and her ability to give each character a distinctly different look. Charlotte was prim and proper,while never looking dull. Samantha became known for her sexy and daring looks,perfectly confident and sharp to match her character. And Miranda did power dressing with the best of them,with just enough of a feminine edge.

But it was the name Carrie Bradshaw that became synonymous with the show’s style. Sky-scraping

Jimmy Choos and colour pairings that even the most daring women would cower at were worn in every episode, giving legions of women across the world plenty of style inspiration. The wacky and hit-or-miss looks turned Sarah Jessica Parker into a fashion icon,and she soon graced everything from the cover of Vogue to the style pages of celebrity bibles such as Heat. And she even got to keep the clothes.

While Sex and the City broke the hearts of fashion-lovers everywhere by coming to an end in 2004,the show’s style and fashion lessons have remained associated with New York. Teaching us that colour and confidence mean instant style success,its fashions have ensured that Sex and the City and its ever-changing wardrobe will remain forever in the New York fashion hall of fame.

BLOOMINGDALE’S: Erstwhile home of Friends’ Rachel Green

The Big Apple’s big shops

New York,New York! Not only is it the shopping capital of the world but also home to the most cutting-edge fashion trends. With Stella McCartney and Jil Sander both choosing the Big Apple as the home of their first ever stores it confirms that currently,fashion-wise,all eyes are on this city.

But what's all the fuss about?

Fashionistas everywhere take note - if you are thinking of indulging in some stateside shopping here's the bare bones you need to know. Beware you may need a map.

A Mecca for tourists and trend setters alike,Fifth Avenue holds the key for all the city’s big department stores. Bloomingdale’s is the most famous of Manhattan's shopping chic and likes to think of itself as the 'Harrods of NYC'.

Top trends there this season include contemporary shawl-necked cardigans,shrugs and more contemporary knitwear. There are ten floors of fashion over at Lord and Taylor. Their 2005 window displays have won the best in the city again by the New York Post. LaVelle Olexa,Senior Vice President Fashion Merchandising,describes this season’s look as ‘very luxe’. Key sellers of the season include “lots of cashmere,fur and fur trim (real or faux), lots of velvet and bundles of embellishment,often bejewelled”. Like us, New York street style has a lot of gold accessories,again often embellished with stones,grommets or embroidery. What about over on menswear? “Well we see velvet and cashmere there too! The former in blazers and the latter in sweaters” says LaVelle.

For some innovative stateside fashion New York Metro magazine recommend Rogues Gallery,currently available at Barneys. Say goodbye to brainless slogan T-shirts,Rogues Gallery is a tiny company based in Portland, Maine and has become the choice purveyor of genuinely interesting tops. Their vintage with a touch of punk rock designs means they are verging on goth-esque and are already proving popular across the pond.

NEW YORKFASHIONWEEK: Peachy

MACY’S 5TH AVE: That’s a whole lot of shop

OFF THE BEATENTRACK

TenThousandThings is one of the latest addictions in the Meatpacking District. A selection of beautifully coloured gems and stones are whipped up into delicate yet hardhitting designs that are currently exciting the bijoux-obsessed 'Yorkers.

If money is no object,the East and West Villages are scattered with a dazzling array of boutiques brimming with exciting designs. In the fickle world of fashion,these stores come and go,but the likes of 1 on g and Apt 141 are both currently going down a storm.

There's no need to miss out if you are on a budget either. One store in New York has a carrier bag that says 'I've just got a bargain,' a statement that provides an insight into one of the city's principle obsessions. Jeans and trainers are well-known to be cheaper in the States,but in addition to these staples,New York is unparalleled for designer discounts. Century 21's reputation is renowned worldwide.

So from boutique-chic to bohemian charm - outside you may have to brave temperatures that will make your ears fall off,but all around you will find a shopping haven to suit you.

Jennifer Dunkerley

to the

Fashion 15

Century

Anyone who disses fashion as ‘The Frivolous Fall Of Civilisation As We Know It’ is missing a few of its fundamental points. In many ways,we bring our lives to our wardrobes,our deepest DNA on display.

If fashion says a lot about us,it's also a reflection of our major cities. Paris is the capital of conservative chic,with women swathed in various shades of black -- beige if they're feeling rebellious -- with hair as glossy as mink. The men opt for understated I've-no-time-for-this studied nonchalance that fools no-one. Ditto Milan. London is different. It's a street city that riffs and rustles to its rhythms and trends. London's closest clothes cousin is New York,where the fashion is on a similar march to the street beat and nowhere is this more in evidence than Century 21.

Century 21 is a department store that gives other department stores an inferiority complex. Situated in downtown Manhattan,it was decimated by the 9/11 attacks but,like the city itself,it chutzpahed its way through the rubble to regain its mantle as one

Jason Jones explores New York’s hippest department store

of NYC's best-loved shopping stalwarts. Essentially,Century 21 is a bit like our own TK Maxx,but a maxedout,glammed-up,hyper-version of it where the shelves are swagged with designer gear minus the horse-scaring price tags. All the fashion powerhouses (Prada,Dolce & Gabbana,Versace, Armani et al.),plus a few names that aren't so household,are in residence and the clothes range from the classic capsule wardrobe basics -- suits, jeans,T-shirts -- to the more 'outré'ie. bonkers,catwalky pieces. Actually, anything you want clothes-wise is catered for with a definite bias towards getting more bang for your buck,so much so you can almost justify the airfare. Well,almost. Another reason to pay a pilgrimage is the clientele. Century 21 is great for people traffic. No matter what time you go the customers are always guaranteed to give good diversity. There's the Sarah Jessica Parkerites decked out in their frou-frou-cocktail-gownswith-gumboots confections; gay boys ransack the stuffed racks of clobber like loony,fashion-starved locusts; uptheir-own-arse fashion editors simulta-

neously try to stay incognito and whore some attention as they sashay the aisles with vast sea-snake Filofaxes and vast liver-spotted claws; macho,adrenalised stockbrokers on the cheap whistle-and-flute search; bridge and tunnellers (the scathing term Manhattanites use for people who live in the 'burbs) schlep to spruce up their sagging closets. All of NY human life is there,all on the bargain hunt for the perfect outfit. Yes,the place does look like a giant,frenzied jumble sale. Yes,you do have to sift through a helluva lot of crap before you strike a carat of gold. And,yes,the staff is schooled in the Stasi service-with-a-sneer style. Yet, perversely,that's all part of the fun and if fashion should be anything it should surely be fun. After all,shopping is one of life's great pleasuresbehind sex and scoffing,naturally. Ultimately,though,Century 21 is one of the best,cheapest adult dressingup boxes on the planet. It's also like New York itself: kooky,chaotic and ever so slightly crazy.

Century 21,22 Cortlandt Street, New York www.c21stores.com

An Englishman in New York

Following in the footsteps of Dylan and Cohen,songwriter Timothy heads to Greenwich Village to follow his own Manhattan dream.This is his diary...

The low-lit alleys,the steamy sidewalks,the desolate snowcaked parks,the smoky bars and the striking skyline –New York can be a songwriter’s inspiring best friend and suffocating worst enemy,a paradise and a refuge. From Lou Reed to the Ramones,Jay-Z to the Strokes, it’s a city with pedigree like no other. The Big Apple has consistently produced the sublime and the ridiculous. It’s with the nerves and excitement of playing in the most prolific musical city on the planet that I step onto the plane to play my first gig there. Pressure? Pah,what pressure?

SATURDAY

Arriving in the dead of night would be a daunting experience in most cities but Manhattan is buzzing with a friendly atmosphere. A quick stroll from the hotel and I’m in Times Square,a mass of bustling confusion,neon lights and gigantic pizzas. A mixture of bewildered wandering tourists and fran-

SUNDAY

Waking up and it’s New York in white; it couldn’t be any better. Peeking out of the hotel window a thick storm sees snow piling up on the streets,coating lamps,sidewalks and buildings. There’s suddenly a softness to the jagged urban architecture,and the city’s frenetic speed shudders to a comforting casual pace. It’s a bit like a movie set.

Today is about acquainting myself with the city and preparing for my first show in the city tomorrow night. After all,New York is a place that lives and breathes music; not just providing the smoky stages to get yourself heard. First,it’s down to the very unmusical task of investing in some new threads for the following night. An enormous H&M gets a visit to get togged-up. A couple of distracting hours follow,wandering the isles of Virgin Megastoreor Virgin Mega-Mega store as it

should be known - perusing all sorts of rare gems unavailable in the UK. Next is a stroll amongst the trendy tastemakers of Greenwich Village,NY’s version of Soho or Camden,with

tic party people.

vintage clothing boutiques and independent record stores with vinyl bursting out of the doors and ice crunching beneath my feet.

Then it’s down to the real business and the reason I’m here with an afternoon visit to the aptly named ‘Guitar Centre,’ where hours are spent mucking around with exotic (and comparatively cheap) guitars. Flashing the cash, the Yamaha Silent gets the vote after exchanging a lot of ‘dude!’ and ‘That sounds awesomeee’ with a wisened Yank who,if he knew any more about guitars, would probably morph into one.

I march out of the store,new guitar bag slung over my shoulder into the chilly evening air content that this is the beast that’ll see me through tomorrow night and my first gig on foreign waters.

MONDAY

With a sturdy pancake brekky on board,today is a day of sightseeing,walking the spectacular Brooklyn Bridge,the surprisingly underwhelming Statue of Liberty and the eerie Ground Zero.

As evening beckons,it’s a short hop on the subway to the hotel and then to the Sidewalk café in Greenwich Village. Outside the venue it’s the typically striking bright sign and neon lights. But inside it’s a stereotypical den that ticks all the clichés of a Manhattan dinner,high tables, stools and a bar the length of the Empire State Building.

At the back,a shallow doorway leads to a musty darkly-lit room illuminated by candles,with cartoons,posters and instruments lining the walls – the kind of jazzy smoggy den New York’s best have inevitably passed through.

Nudging through the already packed crowd the butterflies have started to kick in. Tables are already crammed with all sorts of people; Spanish, French,American, locals and musicians, old friends and new acquaintances. Artists, painters,photographers and musicians mingle in friendly fashion, handing out homemade flyers about their latest exhibitions or gigs. A hard wooden bench at the back of the venue is all that’s left to perch on. One pretty waitress hovers around frantically serving spectacular looking Mexican food.

much they’ve enjoyed it.

“Coming up soon on deck is Timothy,” shouts ‘Latch’ – a brash New Yorker compering the evening’s proceedings,who looks like something straight out of Wayne’s World. Two Guinesses and a Stella are employed to calm the nerves.

I step up onto the small stage with a red curtain backdrop; a hundred or so faces peer straight at me,but the lights are blinding,I can’t see further than the first few rows,but I just focus on the mangled mic. stand and feel my fingers racing around the new guitar. The sound on stage isn’t great, but my voice is steady and my playing confident,relaxed,and I’m enjoying the vibe.

As the last note of Sometimes rings out the reaction is fantastic,with recognisably American whoops and cheers sounding out with more than hundred smiling strange faces applauding and shouting. I walk off relieved but buzzing,as unfamiliar well-wishers stride over to chat and comment on how

With that,I settle back for a few more drinks and enjoy the remainder of the evening’s performers,a suitably eclectic selection of New York artists,a drastically different flavour from the circuits in London and the South-East. From one shouting rocker assaulting his guitar,to a sensitive female soul singer with a voice like treacle, the standard is predictably high.

Trotting out into the refreshing, crisp night I’m warmed by the thoughts of a life’s ambition fulfilled. To have in some way been part of New York’s musical fabricno matter how small - is extremely satisfying,gratifying and basically downright cool.

See www.Timothy-music.co.uk for tracks and more information.

Live at The Sidewalk Cafe

So you wanna be on TV ?

Want to get involved in television? Daunted at the prospect of getting work experience? Scared of networking your way through the fiercely competitive media industry?

If so,then we know of the course for you.

Television and Young People (TVYP) is a course open to anyone aged between 18 and 21 with a desire to get involved in the television industry. A five day course in Edinburgh held during the city’s annual TV Festival,it can lead to so much more.

There’s a whole host of future opportunities available to you if you gain a place on the scheme. From week-long work experience placements,to a six-month paid work placement when you have graduated, the scheme gives you access to endless contacts already working in the industry.

And if you want to get into TV,it’s who you know,not what you know that could give you your first break.

So if you’re looking for a step up into this much-sought after profession,TVYP could be just what you’re looking for.

Here,five past delegates share their experiences.

TVYPis an event held in Edinburgh every year for people trying to get their break in TV. Five Cardiff students tell all about their experience

The Application

“The application for TVYP is a rather simple affair; you pick up one of their leaflets,or visit their website at www.tvyp.co.uk,and fill out an application form.

The form contains questions that try to work out if you are truly passionate about a career in TV. The questions range from the straightforward,such as ‘Why do you want to work in TV?’,to the more trying ie. ‘If you could make a TV program,what would it be and who would you want to watch it?’

If you are serious about a career in TV,the answers should come fairly easy to you. Just don’t make the mistake of not filling in the form seriously. Having answers written in txt speak or saying that you want to be rich and famous just won’t cut it.”

Adam Boulton

The Workshops

“At TVYP,you’re given an awesome opportunity to do a two-day workshop in an area of television of your choice.

Ranging from learning to produce a live Saturday night entertainment

show,to writing a script for a weekly soap opera,the people running the workshops are leading professionals in their field.

I chose to do a directing workshop and got to work with two top directors who have been behind some of the biggest documentaries of 2005.

The workshop was incredible. Not only were the directors really friendly but they were full of advice on how to set yourself up as a director. They gave us invaluable tips on camera work,filming content and editing.

I got a bit more than I bargained for when I arranged to make a short documentary on two performers from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

They were the stars of the hit show Puppetry of the Penis and agreed to do an interview with me on one condition: that I joined in with their act. I have only just recovered from the embarrassment of having the film screened to 250 people on the following day.

Creating,filming,and screening my very own three minute documentary was a brilliant experience for me.

I’d recommend TVYP to anyone who wants to get involved in any aspect of TV.”

James Emtage

The Master Classes

“The Friday master classes gave TVYP delegates the chance to get advice from media professionals who really know what it’s like to work in television.

These classes covered different areas of the television industry featuring everyone from Jon Sopel,a journalist at BBC News 24,to Boyd Hilton,television editor at Britain’s very own celebrity bible Heat,to PR guru Sam Mortner.

A natural and witty speaker,Sam Mortner had some very amusing stories to tell about working with The Apprentice’s tough-guy,Sir Alan Sugar. She also dished the dirt on various publicity stunts she has pulled off for her clients,showing us how her PR skills have got them noticed.

Other speakers invited participation from the delegates. In the mas-

socialising in one of the coolest cities around.

However,if you’re thinking along the lines of a dodgy club 18 to 30 holiday with a rep called Sandra encouraging you to drink shots off each others chests,think again. TVYP is an altogether classier affair.

The event gives you the chance to socialise with the people who are shaping the TV industry. Its social opportunities lie in its flawlessly organised events,which provide a heady combination of pink cocktails and the chance to schmooze with celebrities and TV hacks.

While this sounds like a young person’s dream,the reality is that it could be your future boss swigging a whisky in a darkened corner,so it pays to look lively without looking lairy.

Socialising at TVYP provided me with brilliant work experience,a few

ter class with Dianne Nelmes, Director of Daytime and Regional Programmes at ITV,we each had to write down ideas we had for daytime TV programmes - and the best five were awarded a weeks work experience.

The master classes also gave you the chance to schmooze with the speakers,a phrase that becomes gospel at TVYP

The end of the master classes was the perfect opportunity to chat to them about their work,show your interest,and get that all-important contact for the future.”

Nicola Menage

The Socialising

“Young,single and ready to mingle? Apply for TVYP . 150 people aged between 18 and 21,plied with free alcohol and positively pushed into

Features 19

In August 2005,I find myself stewarding at the main television festival. A seven-hour train trip to Edinburgh is reduced to a mere 90 minutes as MGEITF fly me up and also pay for commuting costs,food and accommodation.

The work generally involves packing goody bags,standing at the door welcoming guests,clearing up lecture halls and smiling.

But the highlight for me was getting to rehearse Strictly Come

Dancing with Bruce ‘the legend’ Forsyth; it was a rare treat not to be missed.

A new opportunity introduced this year is TVYP Extra,which gives 50 exTVYP delegates the chance to participate in another workshop in London.

incriminating photographs and the chance to meet a bunch of brilliant people who I now consider very good friends.”

Jo Wiggins

Future Opportunities

“Successfully attaining a place on TVYP is not the only foot in the door. Having thoroughly enjoyed my TVYP experience in 2004,it was great to know that we could have the opportunity of further media-related work experience by being a part of the scheme once more,as a steward.

After emailing my CV and reminding the organisers who I was,I was short-listed to be either a steward for TVYP or their parent body, MediaGuardian Edinburgh International Television Festival (MGEITF),and had to participate in a phone interview.

I attended this event in November and gained a greater insight into directing a short film,which was a great deal of fun and extremely worthwhile.

However,perhaps the greatest opportunity post-TVYP is the entitlement to apply for TVYP At Work. The scheme places outstanding ex-TVYP delegates in a six-month job contract with production companies and broadcasters ranging from Sky and Nickelodeon,to Endemol,the people behind Big Brother,and Tiger Aspect, the company behind Billy Elliot

In short,if media is your bag,you would be a fool to miss out applying for a scheme that really wants to help young people secure their first rung on the media ladder. So go on, give it a go – you never know what opportunities might come your way.”

Sophie Robehmed

Applications for TVYP are open now. Apply online at www.tvyp.co.uk

SPEAKER: Vernon Kay was one of last year’s guest speakers

TVYP: The class of 2005

Make me a million

Megan Conner reveals why now is the time to make your millions

Picture this: you’re sitting on a luscious beach in the Caribbean with the purest white sand beneath your feet. You dip your toes in and out of the clear blue water. Everything is quiet. The sun beats down.

Now picture this: you’re in the office. The computer whirrs,the network crashes. The sandwich man calls in and there’s only ham and mustard.

Just one question: where would you rather be once you’ve donned your graduation robe? The beach,or the office. Can’t decide?

The National Union of Students says that 90 per cent of students are in debt,so for the majority of us, there are long and hard years ahead. We’re going to have to work – a lot.

But not necessarily. Like these very fine people,you could be in the money a lot sooner than you’d hoped. And as they‘ve proven through the inspirational successes of their businesses,there’s no time to start like the present.

The dot-com kid

Alex Tew is a 21-year-old Business Management student at Nottingham University. Desperate to make enough money to pay his own way through his degree,he came up with a very simple but genius idea. Alex sold pixels on a computer screen to advertisers via his own website, www.milliondollarhomepage.com.

The principle is easy. Alex’s website is divided into 100,000 little squares,each one consisting of 100 pixels. Advertisers had to buy a minimum of 100 squares to advertise their businesses on the website – for just $1 dollar per square. Their company logo,advertisement and web link is displayed on screen.

As Alex acknowledges,his idea was one that could have easily bombed,but he was determined to make it work. Thanks to a tremendous amount of publicity,Alex struck gold. After launching the Million Dollar Homepage in August 2005,he raked in an amazing $339,500 in less than

two months.

By mid-January,Alex had made his million,auctioning the remaining 1,000 pixels on eBay. His site has since been the target of hackers, blackmail and lawsuits.

Get rich on the net

Alex isn’t the only one to become loaded through launching a website. At 17,Benjamin Cohen founded www.jewishnet.co.uk with just £150. He is now thought to be worth £5m. Studententrepreneur.co.uk says the dot-com business is the fastest growing place to make money now,simply because it’s dirt cheap to set up a website.

“It‘s very cheap to advertise on the Internet and there are a number of ways to gain exposure to your website.

“There’s also a lot of money to be made on eBay. It’s probably the only place on the planet where anything is for sale and there’s a buyer for everything.”

RICH: Student Alex Tew struck it rich with his Million Dollar Homepage website

The Knicker Pickers

Fashion students Emma Cheevers and Alexandra Suhner founded lingerie business,State of Undress, upon graduating from Central St. Martin’s College,London.

After graduating,Emma started working for a catwalk photographer and Alex freelanced for Burberry. But it was their mutual love of fashion and an eye for a gap in the market that blossomed into State of Undress,a high-quality lingerie business that takes its inspiration from 1940s film star glamour.

Within three weeks of conceiving the idea,the girls had the underwear designs ready and their productionline organised.

Since its establishment in 2002, State of Undress has fast made itself a reputation as a unique designer of luxury underwear. The girls have 12 stockists in various countries and a small fortune to boast.

Know the market

As with the Internet,lingerie is an inexpensive business to start up in. The girls’ first collection cost a mere £1,500 between them to launch. Considering a collection of women’s wear would cost around £10,000 to start,this is no great price.

Jules Leaver,co-founder of outdoor clothes empire,Fat Face,stresses the importance of identifying a gap in the market for your product: “Our Tshirts sold well because no one else was doing anything similar.”

Since 1988,Jules and partner,Tim Slade,have opened 50 Fat Face stores and are estimated to turn over in the region of £25m per year. After graduating with a business degree at 21,Jules joined Tim in holidaying at a ski-resort in France.

They sold “been there,done that” T-shirts to holidaymakers and continued to shift their goods as they travelled the world. They haven’t looked back since.

Smoothie Operators

Richard Reed,Jon Wright and Adam Balon have been friends and entrepreneurs since they met at St. John’s College,Cambridge,in 1992. They created the Innocent Drinks brand after graduating.

The boys had always talked about setting up their own business,but coming to the end of their degrees, and with the pressure of student loans,they were tempted into working

for impressive sounding companies.

But while Reed earned decent money at advertising agency BMP ,

Case Study: the Interpreter

Jurga Zilinskiene,now 28, founded Today Translations,a UK interpreting business,in 2001.

In the space of five years, she went from living in a small Lithuanian town to managing over 1,500 linguists from across the globe.

With the British armed forces in Iraq and elsewhere crying out for more Brits to speak Arabic,Jurga saw the demand for her business. She also recognised there was no other translation agency around that offered a truly per- sonal service to clients.

SUCCESS: Jurga (right) and Today Translations staff

Jurga’s huge team translate,interpret and proofread documents in over 160 languages,from Arabic to Yoruba.

After moving to the UK aged 19 to study law,Jurga quit university to con- centrate on Today Translations. Since August 2001,the company has gained a portfolio of over 200 clients around the world. The business is set to make £600,000 this year and Jurga would like to double the company’s turnover next year.

If you possess a rare skill or have specialist knowledge of a particular mar- ket,you can make a very successful business out of it.

Jurga worked as an interpreter before she hit the big time. She also cites the knowledge she obtained from her law degree as advantageous when set- ting up her business:

“My legal knowledge has come in very useful in my current business,since about 80 per-cent of our business currently comes from law firms.”

Jurga’s example proves education surely does pay in the end then.

Balon at McKinseys and then Virgin Cola,and Wright at Bain & Company, the trio’s urge to work for themselves did not go away.

On a weekend away,they came up with the idea to manufacture healthy, natural drinks for people like themselves.

After buying £500 worth of fruit, they sold their favourite recipe of smoothie drinks at a music festival. They quit their jobs the following Monday.

From selling 24 bottles of smoothies on the first day of trading in April 1999,four years later Innocent Drinks is shifting some 25,000 bottles a day. The company’s annual turnover is £10m.

Don’t be afraid

After working in a dog biscuit factory at the age of 15 for £2 an hour, then running a lawn-mowing business,Two Men Went to Mow,Richard Reed really is the last one laughing.

He tells wannabe entrepreneurs:

1 - “Don’t be afraid to start small –small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.”

2 - “Good ideas can come from everywhere so don’t automatically discredit your random inklings.”

3 - “Celebrate the notion that failure is OK – it’s just the result of having tried and put yourself out there.”

Given that most of us are young, don’t have mortgages,aren’t married, and hopefully don’t have kids,we’ve got nothing to lose except a bit of dosh. But not if you’re sensible with it.

As Dominic McVey,pioneer of the micro scooter craze at the age of 13 advises: “I made the mistake of thinking I could do anything and lost a lot of money.

“Be realistic and work out where you’re going.”

Blind Date

Blind Date takes to the streets and asks you...

ALLY

Business Admin.: ‘I like his eyes.’

GEORGIE

First year: ‘His personality.’

CLARE

IMG Chair:

HEATHER

Second-year, Environmental geosciences: ‘Oh he’s just so sweet and lovely.’

about

MARK

Second-year

‘I love my boyfriend because he’s spontaneous and he makes me laugh a lot..’

AMY

First-year,French and Spanish: ‘His sense of humour.’

Medical

Biochemistry:

‘I love her so much and she’s a really good cook’

How did they meet?

‘We lived in the same flat in Talybont south’ Heather and Mark have been together for a year and two months... aww!

PATRICK

Second-year English Literature and cultural criticism: ‘She’s the kindest person I know.’

Blind

thebestthing yourotherhalf

SHAWN

Second-year History

‘She’s got a good sense of humor.’

NAOMI

In the gair rhydd

TOM WELLINGHAM gair rhydd Ed.

‘She’my best friend and always makes me smile’

CHARLOTTE

Third-year English Literature

‘The way he makes me feel.’

TOM

Third-year Zoology

‘He makes me smile.’

WILL SCHMIT Listings Ed.

GILLIAN Zoology,second-year

Second-year,French and Philosophy

‘She likes the things that I like.’

‘He’s got a lovely big chest because he plays rugby,and he always cooks me tea.’

‘She’s completely selfless and is always there for me’

WILL DEAN Quench Ed.

‘She has little tiny ears’

SARAH ‘Little Miss Cupid’ AHMAD Blind Date Ed.

‘His bottom’

HEATHER CASEY Media Ed.

‘His cuddles’

New York Cocktails

Pedro Gemal gives us some tips on how to drink - New York style

The Big Apple... It’s the most populous city in the USA,the personification of 'melting pot' society and home to Ross and Rachel. That's right,in this city of 8.2 million souls there's not much food you can't get your hands on.

The phrase 'spoilt for choice' doesn't even begin to do justice to the immense variety of dishes and treats to be found in this metropolis.

The fact that the city counts amongst its population an estimated 180 different nationalities,more Jews than Jerusalem and more Irish than Dublin,means any craving can be easily satisfied.

It would be impossible to confine New York to just one page of recipes. So if,as Frank Sinatra said,you "want to be a part of it",you’ll need to follow this guide to getting pissed in the style

of a high society New Yorker.

Taking into account the fact that during the 1920s prohibition there were over 30,000 bootlegging speakeasies in the city,you can believe that these guys know probably know how to mix their alcohol.

It’s time to put that pint of snakebite down and get all sophisticated with these cocktails from across the pond.

The Classic Manhattan

Not just a big island in the middle of New York but also a potent cocktail that should probably be drunk after making a killing in the New York Stock Exchange. Not as simple as a lager top,but you'll impress your peers with your suaveness.

Ingrediants:

1 1/2 shots Bourbon

1/3 shot Sweet Vermouth

2 shakes of Bitters

1 Tbl Cherry juice

The Cosmopolitan

A girly cocktail which prominently featured in Sex and the City. The lack of gin means you won't get all emotional and bitch about men like they do all the time in said series. She looks like a skinny horse.

Ingredients:

1 1/2 parts vodka

1 part Triple Sec

1 part cranberry juice dash of lime

Long Island Ice Tea

Great mix of spirits,and since you add coke then you can safely use Lidl's own brand for the booze. Tip: Resist temptation and don't make it too strong. You're not 16 anymore.

Ingredients:

1/2 oz. Vodka

1/2 oz Gin

1/2 oz. Tequila

1/2 oz. Triple Sec

1/2 oz. Rum

1 1/2 oz. Sweet & Sour Splash of Coke

Stir and garnish with lemon

NYC Such a queer place to be

Whether it’s in Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Will & Grace or Queer as Folk (the US one rather than the one from Manchester),it’s clear to see that New York is the place to be at the moment if you’re gay. With such a vibrant wealth of gay bars and clubs to choose from,it is little wonder that New York has become one of the world’s top gay destinations. Like Soho in London,Canal Street in Manchester,and er,Charles Street in Cardiff (bless),Chelsea is the gravitational centre of gay nightlife in New York. The Hell’s Kitchen district and Greenwich Village also have large gay communities. Quench has literally spared no expense in bringing you five of the best gay hotspots in the city that never sleeps… with the same person twice.

Like any major city with a thriving gay commulnity,New York holds an annual Gay Pride Parade,which is usually held on the last Sunday of June. As well as being an excuse to dress up -- or down in some cases -- it is also an opportunity to commemorate the Stonewall Riots of 1969. The riots were the first time that gay men and women fought back physically against police harrasment and entrapment. They have since been credited with sparking the modern gay liberation movement throughout the

Quench’s pick of the bars

BARRACUDA

Great for a younger crowd. Young career types and NYU undergrads. Perfect for us students then.

SPLASH BAR NEW YORK

Chelsea’s only exclusively gay dance club. The ground floor has two large bars,and ample dance space,while the downstairs is where it gets naughty, with go-go boys in showers to a more private lounge area.

GINGER’S BAR

One for the ladies this,and more of a retreat than a club. It’s a laid back mix of raciallly diverse lesbians. Although men are welcome. Chill out to sultry jazz.

XL Bar

Located in the,ahem,Meatpacking district,this place claims to be the best gay bar in New York,if not the world. Guess there’s only one way to find out...

THERAPY

Despite its size,there is a certain intimacy in Therapy,helped by its classy and sophisticated layout. There is free nightly entertainment,although it is not the typical drag acts you’d find in most places. “Cattle Call” –their answer to American Idol is just one example of one of the more popular nights. Also serves food.

26 Travel

New York City WINTERWONDERLAND

Christmas…

Christmas á la New York begins at the end of the ‘Macy’s Thanks Giving Day Parade’. The last float of the procession brings Santa Claus to town and the festivities begin. The Ice Rink at the Rockafella Centre becomes a winter wonderland,while shop windows are an attraction in themselves; Macy’s et al. unveiling their crowd-drawing displays A more recent tradition is the Laser Light Show at Grand Central Station,the Sky Ceiling of the main concourse is filled with laser displays of dancing snowmen, elves and reindeers. These take place every half hour 11am-9pm,November 21 to December 31. With chestnuts roasting and snow falling,a walk through Central Park is the perfect Christmas expeience in New York.

“I

New Year...

There is only one place to see in the New Year - Times Square. Since 1906 the streets surrounding Number One Times Square have been flooded with hoards of people who come out to watch the famous ball drop. In the 1980s a big apple was used in place of the ball,but this clichéd idea was met with criticism and the ball was put back in place. The event is free,although you need to get there early and you have stay in one place for the whole night.

NewChinese YearParades,dragon

dances and decorationselaborate fill the streets of Chinatown in the ten day period.

love Paris NY in the Springtime”

Easter

The ‘Easter Parade’ dates back to the 1800s when the social elite would walk down Fifth Avenue in their best clothes after attending church. Nowadays, thousands of people take to the street parading their Easter bonnets along Fifth Avenue. The parade takes place at 10am on Easter Sunday between 49th and 57th street,with the best places to view being around St. Patrick’s Cathedral,but get there early for a good spot. Spectacular outfits on show make up for the lack of floats,with diverse cos-

tumes ranging from 16th century soldiers to 20th century haute couture.

St. Patrick’s Day

March 17 2006 will be the 245th time that the ‘New York City Saint Patrick’s Day Parade’ will march along 5th Avenue. The Irish 165th Infantry lead the parade,followed by various Irish societies based in the city including bagpipers and school bands. The best spots for viewing the parade are away from the shopping area above 59th Street and from the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of

Art. The New Yorkers join in with the spirit of the occasion dressing in green and painting themselves green. Even the beer, bagels and water fountains have been known to turn green in honour of the occasion,while Irish pubs and bars across the city are flooded with revellers enjoying their Guinness.

Ninth Avenue International Food Festival

This festival,a must for food lovers,sees 9th Avenue transformed into a giant street fair with food from all across the world.

St. Patrick’s Day parade

Chinese New Year

Summer in the city

Puerto Rican Day Parade…

This celebration of New York’s largest ethnic group witnesses three million people turning out on to the streets on the second Sunday in June to watch the marvel of street entertainers and marching bands.

4th July…

At 9pm the New York skyline is bright with over 80,000 fireworks as a cele-

METROPOLIS FALL A CITY FOR ALL SEASONS

Thanksgiving…

bration of America’s independence. Fireworks are launched from three locations across the city making them impossible to miss. Every year the historic Richmond Town holds a reenactment of an 18th century Independence Day celebration,with period costumes and an outdoor feast. The two major New York baseball teams,the Mets and Yankees, come face to face every 4th of July

The fourth Thursday of every November marks the holiday of Thanksgiving. The holiday first took place in 1621,the year after pilgrims landed in America. In 1863 President Lincoln appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday which has been celebrated ever since. 1924 saw the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the spectacle of helium-filled balloons has developed into an annual occasion. Nowadays balloons resemble Sponge Bob Square Pants,Charlie Brown,Uncle Sam and Scooby Doo. Every year 2.5 million people line the two-mile route the parade follows. The best places to watch the parade include Central Park West along Broadway. It is recommended to get to the best spots by 7am.

Halloween…

Everybody knows how much the Americans love Halloween and the New Yorkers are no exception. Acknowledged as one of the ‘100 Things to do Before You Die’ the New York Village Halloween Parade should not be missed if visiting New York at this time of year. The parade will be 33-years-old this year and is the nation’s only night time parade,attended by two million people every year. The costumes worn by people in the parade and by those watching are stunning; alongside traditional witches and skeletons march the Mona Lisa,70s Divas and the Super Mario Brothers.

for the crunch match of the year at Shea Stadium.For a true celebration of America’s independence head to the annual Hotdog Eating Contest at ‘Nathan’s Famous’ in Coney Island where 15 contestants from around the world compete to beat the record of fifty hotdogs in just 12 minutes.

SO YOU WANNA BE A PART OF IT?

Here are some of New York’s odder laws to be aware of

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Women may go topless in public, providing it is not used as a business.

Citizens may not greet each other by ‘putting one’s thunb to the nose and wiggling the fingers’.

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you

By Amy Harrison Travel Editor

NewYorkCity BACKPACKER

Welcome to Backpacker. Each fortnight we provide an insight into top backpacking destinations. Every issue we will let you know which location will be featured in the next edition of Quench. Travel needs you to text/email any tips you have for the next destination. It could be anything from the best campsite, the best place to visit,or which bus takes you to the most beautiful beach.

New York City is not your average backpacker destination,but the best bits of New York can still be done on a budget.

When you arrive in New York don’t jump into the first yellow taxi,this could end up costing aanything between $40-$60. New York’s three international airports,JFK,LaGuardia and Newark,are all served by reliable public transport services. A ride on any public buses or subway is $1.50 so hop on and save your dimes.

Although accommodation is aplenty in New York,the standards vary greatly,as do the prices. For good value try the Malibu Hotel located in Upper West Side. A four bed en-suite room costs just £13.36/person.

Getting around the city on foot is easy,but it is worth buying a good map just in case you do get lost.

In the heart of the city lies a calm green oasis; Central Park. Four blocks wide and fifty blocks long,this is more than your average ‘swings and slide’ park. Free maps of Central Park are available from the Dairy Visitor’s Centre,in the southeast corner of the park.

My favourite part of this vast park is Strawberry Fields. This peaceful spot is overlooked by the Dakota Building where John Lennon once lived. The Strawberry Fields were created by Yoko Ono in his memory. The ‘Imagine’ mosaic is adorned with flowers and candles,and is a

trip to New York is complete without a ride on the subway.

congregation point for buskers singing Beatles classics. There are plenty of walking tours to choose between. Big Apple Greeter offers a truly unique experience.

By logging on to www.bigapplegreeter.org before your stay,you can request a Greeter to take you on an exclusive city tour. Your Greeter will meet you at your hotel and will show you ‘their’ New York.

Your tour guide will take you across the city,showing you the hidden treasures. The best thing about this scheme,is that it’s free. The Greeters are volunteers,who love their city to the extent that they give up their spare time to show visitors the ‘real’ New York.

For some of the best views of ‘that’ famous skyline and the Statue of Liberty take a trip on the Staten Island Ferry.

The 30-minute journey from lower Manhattan to Staten Island is free and provides the most amazing views.

Wait for a trip on one of the older ferries,as the new ones don’t have an outdoor viewing deck. Equally stunning views can be enjoyed with a walk across Brooklyn Bridge.

It is possible to visit some of the top New York attractions for bargain prices. Admission to the Metropolitan Museum of Art,the Natural History Museum and the Museum of the City of New York is based on suggested contributions of $10,$14 and $7 respectively.

One sight worth saving $16 dollars for is a trip up the Empire State Building. Having walked beneath the towering skyscrapers it is amazing to be on top of them all. The Chrysler Building,the Flatiron Building and Trump World Tower are all overshadowed,as you stand on the observatory on the 86th floor,on top of the whole of New York.

The only thing the budget traveller must remember when in New York City is to avoid the lure of Fifth Avenue.

If it is impossible to resist the shopping delights of the city head to Woodbury Common Premium Outlet. This outlet mall offers all the big stores on Fifth Avenue including Prada,Gucci and Saks,as well as Gap,Adidas and Levis at bargain prices.

LIBERTY: The only woman bigger than Vanessa Feltz

Once upon a time in the record industry,bands weren’t expected to change the world with their first album.

And then the Strokes happened. Built up on an amazing crescendo of hype,the New Yorkers established the industry trend for build ‘em up and move on. The Strokes were supposed to (and maybe did) change the world, but the best thing,on tonight’s evi-

Kicking off with ‘an oldie but a goodie,’ The Modern Age,before billowing into the highlights from First Impressions… Julian flirts with taking his leather jacket off and dedicates songs to a member of the crowd in gloves; it looks like they might even be having a good time.

The lights go down and Casablancas shouts “I’m alive but I can’t see!” He doesn’t

THE STROKES

WE’RE NOWover halfway through the ‘noughties’ and I hope to the lord on high that this moniker doesn’t last,although I fear it may very well do and that our generation will forever be burdened with its limp and wacky implications that hardly justify its importance.

I don’t want my kids asking me “were the noughties actually really naughty,Dad?” as I’d have to say,“no son,that name is merely a novelty made up by idiots to label a culturally, socially and politically important time

in my early-adult life,which haunts me to this very day.” What can I tell him about the noughties? Well,there was a bit of war,a lot of paedophiles and the Strokes made mainstream music cool again.

The nineties tried its hardest to destroy ‘cool’ music by throwing Oasis,Radiohead,Embrace and Coldplay at us. Yet with the dawn of the new millennium came Casablancas and Co.,whose refreshingly blasé,simple and unpretentious sound coupled with their boyish goodlooks and blazers gave hope where all seemed hopeless. Having conquered the ‘difficult second album’ and not done the honourable thing and split up or died,they are back again in 2006.

The album opens with You Only Live Once,a clinical example of why the Strokes are so important: a classic riff,Julian’s inimitable croon and a

bandy-legged swagger and sway. A closer look at the sleeve reveals the first sign of something being amiss. There are still 13 songs left to work through. Unless they’re all two minutes flat we’re looking at more than half an hour… hmm. Then it happens, there are guitar solos,elaborate drum fills and shouty vocals; Vision Of Division sounds not unlike a watered down System Of A Down single. Alarm bells are ringing. Ask Me Anything floats by safely yet Julian mocks us by saying “we could drag it out but that’s for other bands to do,” and then doing just that. Much like the White Stripes saying ‘fuck it,’ and involving multiple instruments on their new album,the Strokes here have sodded the formula. The purists might say they’ve got too many songs,too many solos and too much going on at once but “don’t be a coconut,god is trying to talk to you.” 7/10 Harold Shiel

JULIAN CASABLANCAS: Chatty bugger

“It’s

a mad dog’s promenade, So walk tall, or don’t walk at all”

Bruce Springsteen - New York City Serenade

Like all great cities New York has provided its own distinguished soundtrack. Showcasing the lasting (Blondie),the innovative (Jay-Z),the achingly fashionable (Yeah Yeah Yeahs),the ridiculous (Scissor Sisters) and the destructive (the Ramones). New York’s pedigree is etched in its spaces,from the vomit-stained floorboards of CGBG’s,to the effortlessly cool House of Blues, the sheer enormity of Madison Square Garden,and the thousands of bars,backrooms and bedrooms in between.

Peeking into the past the Ramones arguably spat the first bloody teeth of punk rock along with Blondie and the New York Dolls. Whilst Long Island legend MOR crooner Billy Joel still commands huge crowds after inventing the piano lounge stadium ballad. Run-DMC,P Diddy and Jay-Z led the march of

hip-hop from the kitsch underground into the fullyblinged global brand,all possessing their own piece of Staten Island-style.

More recently the Strokes were heralded as nonchalantly putting the cool back into guitar music,a product of New York’s rich musical history and their persistent voyage to chase edginess. Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Scissor Sisters quickly followed reinventing femme chic and camp pop,respectively. And then there’s Interpol,Liars,Secret Machines,LCD Soundsystem,the Rapture,Fischerspooner and so, so many others.

And what do they all share? A small slice of the city’s beating,thumping creative soul which keeps the city’s amps squealing,the walls sweat stained and the hearts beating. Greg Cochrane

Rise of the Machines

New York inhabitants Secret Machines talk surviving,progressing and making an impact on the biggest city in the world with SamCoare

“LIVING IN TEXAS,it’s easy to get some meaningless job,make enough money to pay the rent,maybe get a car and occasionally go out”,sighs Josh Garza. “It’s almost too easy. We got to a point where we thought, ‘How serious are you about music? Can you hang with the big dogs?’ The challenge of relocating and starting again in New York is the kind of thing that influences you.”

With the band’s second full-length release, Ten Silver Drops,due to hit our shores in March,New York life is very different from the comfortable existence they left behind. “For a long time we were really,and I mean really, broke. There were times we didn’t have anywhere to stay; we’d call in favours from friends and were just floating around on coaches” recalls Garza,who,on drums,makes up the three-piece line-up. “It’s the most sink or swim kind of place,whatever you are. New York: you either give it 110% or just pack up and go home,‘cos there’s a ton or people queuing up behind you.”

This do-or-die attitude has served the Secret Machines well. Since leaving Texas for pastures new to record 2003’s EP September 000,personal and musical development is an on-

going project. “The whole point of moving was to try and make music our livelihoods. We want to show people we’re for real - we wanna write songs,we wanna play music. This isn’t like we just got lucky; we’re not the flavour of the month or anything like that. We’ve made that commitment to yourself,the music,the art –and then hopefully the fans will make a commitment to you.”

The transition from that first six-track release to full-length debut Now Here is Nowhere epitomises the bands focus on progression. Where

“ It’s the most sink or swim place in the world...give it 110% or pack up and go home

September 000 delivered a fusion of fragile drums and synthetic effects,a washed with acid-laden guitars, Now Here is Nowhere is channelled into a tight,controlled and more aggressive sound. The upcoming Ten Silver Drops promises to take this further still. “When you make a new record,you should always be saying it’s better than the last one. The success of the last record has allowed us to be a lot

more experimental sonically,” enthuses Garza. “I think this new record is a bit more mature... sometimes,it’s just the subtlety. When you go on the road and you’re playing,you get this level of confidence that you’re doing something good,something positive. This new record has a lot of that.”

Confidence,coupled with the freedom to self-produce awarded by Reprise records,has allowed a completely unique sound to the band. “We all have such strong opinions about what we sound like,” reinforces Garza. “The thing with producing music is not about what you do,but not messing with what is there. When you use producers you’re immediately involving someone else’s opinion about what you should sound like,and that’s just not necessary.”

With such a diverse catalogue of material already,pushing the boundaries is a constantly evolving challenge. “We’re constantly looking at what we can do next,always asking that question. Even if you find a winning formula you can’t stick with it; what made it a winning formula was that it was fresh. We want people to leave our shows having seen something they didn’t expect,it might be good to come to our shows with high expectations,‘cos we’re not gonna do what you think. It gives us the upper hand.”

ARCTIC MONKEYS Whatever People Say I Am... Domino

Northern Monkeys

THEY WERE,for all of a cold October 2004,the world’s best kept secret. When someone let the word out and gossip spread,the hype continued unabated. As demos and bootlegs leaked across the interweb,it only fed the rabid fervour for fresh blood. Consider this,therefore,the fruits of our waiting-labour.

Now the secret’s lost,whether future enjoyment will remain is speculative. But for now,anything past these 46 minutes is irrelevant. This is the noughties’ Definitely Maybe: an astute social commentary celebrating

the mundane normality of existence in a world where making ends meet remains the be all and end all.

Never has inner-city living seemed so familiar,even for those a million miles from civilisation. Preposterous encounters in taxis and clubs (Red Lights Indicate Doors are Shut) have been mimicked a thousand times over every weekend,yet never in such vivid depiction have they seemed so enjoyable. Fake Tales of San Francisco revels in it's mocking of poseurs ("You're not from New York you're from Rotherham"), Mardy Bum tells an alltoo-familiar tale of relationship harmony,while Riot Van's juvenile encounters with police could even bring a wry smile to the sternest of dissenters.

It's easy to forget this is just the tip of the iceberg,a fleeting first bid for our affections. A Certain Romance may have us grabbing greedily at whatever they'll offer us in return for our undying love,but for those willing to invest over the long term,the biggest payoff of all may be yet to come.

8/10 Sam Coare

ARCTICS: Their Big Break

“ The noughties’ Definitely Maybe... celebrating the mundane normality of existence

Oop North takes on darn Sarf

PRITCHARD AND CO:

Kooky monsters

“ An instant pleasure and one that doesn’t cool off

AS PERFECTpop’s enjoying a celebratory pyjama party,(Kaisers/ Maximo ‘n’ all) slapping each others’ backs,sipping Horlicks and throwing popcorn,Brighton’s lank and curly Kooks haven’t so much as crashed the shindig as snuck in around the back,clambered on a dustbin,nipped in through the bathroom window,and dropped through the ceiling. Sneaky blighters.

Like slouching into a steaming bath, debut Inside In/Inside Out is an instant pleasure and one that doesn’t cool off. So far the singles have been bomb shells; See Sofa Song, a jostling blast of playfulness,about enticing that special someone to hop behind the furniture for a spot of canoodling. The less saucy Eddie’s Gun jollifies the

feeling of isolation when ‘Private Johnson’ (y’know,Pete the Python,the Mattress Mamba,Mummy’s Little Soldier… yeah?) just isn’t firing. Impotence Indie truly copyrighted,then comes You Don’t Love Me and Naïvejust straightforward heart-stoppers. Skip anywhere and there’s steaming highlights,like dimly-lit entrance Seaside,a sensitive strum about buckets,spades and falling in love - a reminder of how great it was to be three years old,strolling around in the nude and when getting buried in sand was still brilliant. And Match Box, sounding like Supergrass and Hot Hot Heat reaping havoc in the window of Early Learning Centre high on Smarties and blue Panda Pop. In other words,even more fun than watching someone fall over.

“We’re going out tonight/we’re gonna walk all over your cars/the Kooks are out in the street/we’re gonna steal your skies” calls Luke Prichard in his colloquial slur. And there’s little doubt they’ll steal your heart too. The Kooks are out,go get ‘em. 9/10 Greg Cochrane

REGINA SPEKTOR

Mary Ann Meets The Gravediggers Transgressive

Spektacular

WHAT IS IT ABOUTMary Ann that riles Regina so? Check the album title. And the venomous song named after her (“Mary Ann’s a bitch!” the chorus gleefully intones). It’s puzzling,indeed. But a bigger conundrum,that can maybe be answered through small record labels and limited releases,is why Spektor has remained a secret for so long.

This is something that,in a true and fair world, …Gravediggers (whichcompiles highlights from her three previous albums) will amend,rectify, and result in her possession of a seat at the table of female singer-songwriter royalty. A classically trained pianist,here she makes the instrument her own,yet it is her voice that dominates. At once theatrical,playful, and charm personified,it is truly unique,and as she purrs,whoops, grunts and staggers her delivery it is hard not to hang onto every word.

Idiosyncratic sure,but the emotion these songs evoke (particularly themomentous,string-laden single Us) is wholly universal. 9/10 James Skinner

MARY J. BLIGE

The Breakthrough Geffen Records

Cor Bligey,it’s another terrible pun from Music desk

AFTER RELEASING THEpoorlyreceived Love & Life album in 2003, the R’n’B diva has picked herself up to return with The Breakthrough.

A mixed collection of laid-back sophisticated soul and so-so filler tracks,at 18 songs Blige could have afforded to shelve some of the album’s poorer material. However,her vocals are as accomplished as ever on stand-out tracks such as the gospel and blues-inspired I Found My Everything and her last single MJB Da MVP. Featuring a host of guest appearances,including Jay-Z, The Breakthrough certainly offers a variety of vocals,which overly an impressive production courtesy of an even bigger

host of guest producers.

While it’s a good record with a few R’n’B gems,many of the tracks are too bland to show Blige at her best. So although the album may have her fans celebrating,it certainly won’t be the hit that Blige’s talents deserve. 5/10 Kerry-Lynne Doyle

RICHARD ASHCROFT Keys To The World Parlophone

All Richard and no Verve make Ashcroft’s music a very dull thing

KEYS TO THE WORLD is the third solo album from former Verve frontman, Richard Ashcroft. Filled with strummed acoustics and his trademark melancholic strings,each track plods along steadily. Yet unless you like dour and depressing music,there is no real hook that makes this album special.

This is sad music for when you’re feeling depressed or hungover and you just want to lie in your bed,flop around,eat lots of food and yearn for a glass of water,but can’t be bothered to go the tap,and so just stare into space. Only if you suffer from extreme insomnia and are looking for a cure should you dare to listen to Sweet Brother Malcolm,it’s just a fucking lullaby.

Nevertheless if the success of the single Break The Night With Colour is anything to go by,this will do okay in the charts. 5/10 Sam Gangloff

JENNY LEWIS AND THE WATSON TWINS Rabbit Fur Coat Rough Trade

Twin Peaks

FEATURING DEATH CAB’SBen

Gibbard and Bright Eyes’ Conor Oberst,Jenny Lewis’ first solo album is a joy that may find her more popular than Rilo Kiley,her band of three stunning albums.

Lewis,who along with fellow Kiley founder Blake Sennett,is taking time out from the day-job to record her own work. Produced by M.Ward, Rabbit Fur Coat is the end-result of the hints in Rilo Kiley’s previous albums that

idol band-ter

1) If you could be anyone in the world for 24 hours,who would you be and why?

“Rupert Murdoch,so I could give all my money away and shoot myself in the head.”

2) If you could have a signature piece of equipment what would it look like?

“A signature fishing rod - love the rods.”

3) Whats your favourite album of the last 12 months?

“Funeral - Arcade Fire.”

4) When and where was your happiest moment?

“Bumper Bar - circa July 2005 in Liverpool... the best DJ ever,ever.”

5) If you had a TV channel,what would be on it?

“I'd have those science programs about the Universe and the ocean exploring new life,like the Discovery Channel but better and in-dispersed with live footage of all major music festivals,60s - now.”

Lewis’s penchant for folk was more than a twice-an-album affair.

Rise up With Fists!!! is joyous (despite the exclamation marks) and the cover of the Travelling Wilburys’ Handle with Care (featuring,Ward,Gibbard and Oberst) showcases the whole album’s players’ talents in full.

At times beautiful,at times sad, but ultimately a very good debut.

7/10 Will Dean

Luke Pritchard,The Kooks

Music 34

TEST ICICLES

Barfly Thursday Jan. 26

OK,SO THERE'S we-don't-give-a-fuck cool (a la Sex Pistols/the Strokes) and then there's we-don't-give-afuck-so-much-we'd-piss-in-your-pint-ifyou-turn-your-back-for-ten-seconds dumbness (Test Icicles).

True,if shambolic spaz-metal was supposed to be well-mannered we'd all be sat cross-legged,supping green tea,leafing through the programme and clapping appropriately. But London chumps Testes don't so much overstep the mark as chew it up and excrete it as an abusive attitudeforce feeding it into the crowd's mouth. They slide off quickly with a slimy swagger,all citrus smiles and beady eyes,before they run out past the bar like petrified little girls and out the door.

What comes before is sabotage, (like Scissor Sisters’s version of Comfortably Numb but worse) deliber-

SUNSHINE

Barfly Monday Jan. 16

“It’s like a real-life version of Nathan Barley”

FALL OUT BOY Great Hall

Sunday Jan. 22

FALL OUT BOY MUSTnot realise that all their songs sound the same or else they wouldn’t have cranked out their only half decent tune,latest single Sugar We’re Goin’Down, so soon into their set.

ately taking a knife to Boa Vs Python and vandalising Circle Square Triangle,draining both of their danger. Sam scrabbles on the floor, simply shouting “blah blah blah.” It's funny… for a minute.

“There's no refunds in rock and roll” shouts Dev desperately as a parting shot like a cackling fool,fully aware the joke’s on him. Not genius, just gash. Greg Cochrane

STRAIGHT FROM THEIRpower naps on the venue’s leather sofas and up on stage,the Underground appear half-asleep as poor levels and missed cues hamper the first song.

After much stalling last single, Put You in Your Place, delivers a manic blow,affirming that comparisons to the Rapture have more relevance than a crazed cowbell. New single Commercial Breakdown hits harder than Jo Brand falling 1,000 feet and B-side The Way It Is shows the Dead 60s what Ghostface Killah should have sounded like,and some.

Each song is glorious in its delivery but the breaks between these gems are so long that it feels like watching seven encores. But who needs an encore though,when storming track Just Tell It Like It Is sees this band off stage. You have been told.

Jen Long

HARD-FI: Trouser Staines

BOY KILL BOY open for Hard-Fi and, despite having sufficient energy and quintessential Indie appeal,they still peddle the same generic sound as Arctic Monkeys or the Killers.

It doesn’t really matter though because the Great Hall is filled with fifteen-year-old MySpacers who would lap up whatever was coming out of the PA just because Fall Out Boy are, like,so damn cute! Narcissistic bassist Pete confessing,‘You Welsh Boys are so lucky because Welsh girls are so fucking pretty’,is met with rapturous squealing. The release of hormones must be the reason it’s so hot tonight. When Fall Out Boy have finished blasting out the same song nine times,the haircuts leave with ecstatic grins on their pimply faces.

Pop-punk bands can rest assured that there is still a fashionably passionate audience for the tripe they make. Matthew Hitt

However,as the night unfolds,it turns out they have more confidence and better stage presence than the nervous headliners. Hard-Fi frontman Richard Archer warms up the crowd as if he’d been getting lessons from the resident DJ at Butlins,reminding us that it was a Friday night five times or more,spouting that “It’s a Friday night,you up for it or what?”

The lowest points of the night include a totally unnecessary massacre of Seven Nation Army and a solemn delivery of Stars Of CCTV, void of any satire or comedy,worryingly transmitting as a sincere chav anthem.

Once upon a time Hard-Fi had my respect for what I considered tonguein-cheek indie pop music; However,I am now resigned to the opinion that they are quite simply confused chavs from Staines banging on about their counterfeit clothes. Zoe Efstathiou

PHOTO:Emma Smith

KERRANG XXV TOUR

Great Hall Sunday Jan 15.

HERE'S AN INTERESTINGstatistic: the population of Cardiff is 315,000. The four bands on the bill tonight have 387,000 friends on MySpace. So that explains why I missed Aiden. But having sold out many moons before the show that wasn't really a surprise.

And neither are Still Remains. American hardcore that resembles Killswitch Engage in parts. Their only redeeming feature on record is the goth-esque keyboards. Unfortunately these are all but lost live. They did however have the best synchronised head bang.

Hawthorne Heights are the ‘Add To Friends’ daddies here. Nearly 270,000 similar haircuts to their name. Taking cues from Thursday and Taking Back Sunday,HH are another US emo tinged pop band. If HH had taken these ingredients and perhaps marinated in them for a little longer

THE POGUES

Cardiff Int. Arena Monday Dec. 12

BFMV: Fret-tening behaviour

we'd have a genre-defining band on our hands. The truth is that they peddle identikit emo for the masses. But hey,the kids love it.

And so for our all conquering Welsh heroes. I really wanted to like them. Honestly. When I saw BFMV the first time I was blown away. The Machine Head influence is clear as lead singer Matt acts like a young Rob Flynn on stage,rock horns proudly on display. They round it off with riffs aplenty.

The fans lapped it up but you can't help but think how much better this would've been if Killswitch, Thursday and Machine Head had actually played...

Adam Gasson

SHANE:Booze Hound -

GRAHAM:Cox on,cox off

THE PUNK-THRASH STYLEof the Dropkick Murphys got the crowd geared up for the main show. However, when Shane MacGowan took to the stage in all his drunken glory he was unable to keep up the pace.

His first few numbers were almost incomprehensible as he flailed a belt around the stage and mumbled his way through the songs,after a while the other band members took the forefront and MacGowan moved back stage. Eventually he made a triumphant return to the stage and together the Pogues went on to woo the audience with their patented Irish rock.

The finale of the show saw MacGowan teaming up with Welsh favourite and former member of Catatonia Cerys Mathews to perform the song made famous formerly by the duet with Kirsty MacColl, Fairytale of New York

A good way to wrap up the gig and one that left the crowd in an impressed and festive mood.

Luke Pavey

GRAHAM COXON

Barfly

Tuesday Jan. 17

LET’S BE HONEST,it’s not very often that a venue the size of the Barfly attracts an actual legend. Well,there was that time when King Adora played. Tonight the sweaty venue is overblown with anticipation at the prospect of seeing the bespectacled man-boy Coxon debut tracks from his forthcoming album Love Travels At Illegal Speeds.

By ignoring the slower numbers from his back catalogue Coxon’s set tonight resembled that of an early Buzzcocks gig. It's a shame then that the crowd largely consisted of people who were probably old enough to remember seeing an early Buzzcocks gig. The tepid reaction of nodding heads was incredibly frustrating given the fact that Coxon could have sold out a venue three times the size of this.

Although all was not lost. At one point the funniest man alive requested There's No Other Way. What a legend,I bet he never hears that.

Vince Noir

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

NOISE AND CONFUSION

LIAM: Asleep behind those glasses

Oasis: Foo-d for thought?

Millennium Stadium

Saturday Dec. 10

IN THE YEARthat brought us Bloc Party,Arctic Monkeys and the Arcade Fire,this wasn’t how it was supposed to end. The stadium’s full; a healthy mix of 90s throwbacks and a new generation of Foo Fighters fans mix seamlessly to give ‘05 the send off it deserves. The usual cracks soon appear though. The Subways battle hard against poor acoustics and the engulfing size of the Millennium stage,but save for a few moments of showmanship,crossing the Severn proved a bridge to far. Ho hum.

Razorlight take standards down further; Johnny Borrell strutting the stage about as convincingly as that tranny from The Crying Game hid ‘her’ dick. Someone’s obviously told him he’s the next Mick Jagger,although his selfsense of importance does subside briefly enough to share the stage with a quartet of gospel singers. The songs aren’t there,the band aren’t entertaining,and Borrell has more self-love than a quiet night in with a pot noodle,a box of Kleenex and some soft-core porn. Suddenly that hour-long queue for a beer looked appealing.

Thank the heavens,therefore,for opening up long enough to drop Dave Grohl into our laps. Foo Fighters deliv-

er the epitome of a great rock ‘n’ roll show: every song a classic,a fervent Grohl backed by a rabid line-up,hellbent on stealing the show. They do, and they’re merely a Breakout short of perfection.

If the Foos are our heroin,then Oasis must have been the horrific comedown. Liam is passionless,Noel a lazy shadow of his usual self. The latest releases get the biggest cheers,despite being the weakest material in the band’s repertoire. Glaring omissions to their set twist the knife further,but the damage was already done. Hardly a fatal blow,but Oasis need to step up their game to avoid living solely on name.

Sam Coare

The top five gigs you’d be a numpty to

When: Saturday 11th February

Who: NMETour

Where: Great Hall

It was always going to be a tough ask beating last year’s lineup,and whether Maximo Park and Mystery Jets quite size up to the Killers and Bloc Party is undecided,but if you acted quick enough to get yer mitts on ticket it’ll undoubtedly be the show of the year so far.

When: Tuesday 7th February

Who: Adult

Where: Barfly

Detroit three-piece with an extensive back-catalogue.

When: Friday 10th February

Who: Envelopes

Where: Barfly

Utterly unique mish-mash of Swede’s and French artists come down from their home in,er,Yorkshire.

When: Sunday 19th February

Who: The Modern

Where: Barfly

Synthesized pop from the self-proclaimed “antidote to pub rock”.

When: Friday 17th February

Who: The Streets

Where: Bath Pavillions

Waxing lyrical with Mike Skinner,worth the train-fare on its own.

DAVE GROHL:Heir to the rock throne

Wales, New York

by Andrew Mickel

The Valleys may not seem a likely hotbed of artistic exchange with the Big Apple. But just as one Valleys boy made it big in America,a Valleys town plays host to a New York legend

From Brynmawr To The Big Apple

Brynmawr,the sleepy market town next to Ebbw Vale,isn’t the most obvious place for artists to start on a road to international acclaim,but two have done just that.

Andrew Vicari is the UK’s richest living painter,despite being relatively unknown in this country. But considering he is based in France and this is the New York issue of Quench,NYbased Mac Adams is much more pertinent.

Although born in the Valleys,Mac was made an American citizen in

From America To Aberdare

Antonio Perez Melero is the archetypal New York artist with a high concept. He’s exhibited all over the world, including at the White House,and next stop on his travels is South Wales.

The Spanish artist creates 3D works from paper and acrylic to examine light and movement. But despite sounding like it deals with awkward,lofty ideas,Melero’s work is accessible. There’s a strong sense of structure to his work,so like with architecture,you have to interact with the art. The detailed methods up close show the detailed methods of construction; move back and you can take in the massive design.

Each piece on show in the Art

1990. His biggest New York contribution,the Universal Soldier monument in Battery Park,was unveiled a year later. The 20 foot high black granite memorial was the first American monument to the Korean War. Carrying representations for all 22 countries that lost men in the war,the cut-out of a soldier frames the Statue of Liberty in one direction,and Wall Street in the other. It’s certainly a powerful statement for any artist to make; for a citizen of just one year,it is incredible. He has now settled into American life as a Professor in New York. But he has also made a contribution to his country of birth,creating the Belvedere Solar Pavilion in Penarth Haven in 1999. Located on the edge of the Bristol Channel,the creation of

steel,etched glass,marble and glass mosaic is intended to represent a link between the people and the land. Just to underscore that this is one artist in touch with his homeland,it’s inscribed with ‘Y Tiroedd oll yw fy Nghorff’,which translates into English as ‘All Lands are my Body’. Whilst other Welsh folk may forget their roots for all but token measures when they strike the big time,this artist is properly in touch with where he came from.

Evolution exhibition in Aberdare works from a basic interplay between light and colour,and it is the move-

SCREENSTAR: Some of Perez Melero’s work

ment of the viewer that makes the real effect of his work come to life. From different angles and with different lights,the entire view of the work

can shift. It is a method of construction that means Melero is as much a product of the ideas of applied design as he is of the art world.

His current project continues in a series of constructions he has made of the Stars and Stripes. In tribute to his adopted homeland,he’s created 50 individual towers of the red,white and blue,as a large scale project that visitors can walk around. The flags,unfortunately, won’t be making the transatlantic trip for the Aberdare exhibition. But the work that has made it here is well worth the visit.

Art Evolution at theCynon Valley Gallery,Aberdare,until 18 March

Belvedere Solar Pavillion in Penarth Haven

rhydd gair

Film News

PENN NO MORE

Sean Penn’s brother,Hollywood actor Chris Penn of Reservoir Dogs and True Romance, has been found dead in his Hollywood home. The cause is not known but may be drugs-related.

REMAKES IN RAZZIE SHAME

Nominations for the Golden Raspberry Awards (the anti-Oscars) have been announced and they’ve taken a great big swipe at remakes and sequels. Among the nominees are Dukes of Hazzard, Deuce Bigalow 2 and Bewitched.

SAY HALO TO THE LATEST GAME-BASED ADAPTATION

Current rumours of a Half-Life game have been squashed but Halo is a dead cert. Directed by Guillermo Del Toro and written by The Beach novellist Alex Garland,no less.

BETTANY AS JOKER

Rumours are abound that in the new Batman film the Joker (the proposed baddie) will be played by Paul Bettany of Wimbledon fame.

MINI JOLIE-PITTS X 3

Not only do Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have a baby on the way via natural means but rumour has it Angelina’s two existing adopted children have adopted the surname JoliePitt. Maddox,four,is originally from Cambodia and Zahara,10 months is from Ethiopia.

HULK 2

Apparently Eric Bana is contractually obliged to reprise his role as the Hulk in a sequel as long as it fits in with his work schedule. But will it be any better?

Rumours

‘tis that time of year again

And the nominations are... (our guess at the winner is underlined)

Best Film Capote, Brokeback Mountain, Munich, Crash, Goodnight and Good Luck

Best Leading Actress... Judi Dench (Mrs Henderson...), Felicity Huffman (Transamerica),Keira Knightley (Pride and Prejudice),Charlize Theron (North Country),Reese Witherspoon (Walk the Line)

Best Leading Actor... Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote), Terrence Howard (Hustle and Flow),Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain),Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line)

Best Supporting Actress... Amy Adams (Junebug),Catherine Keener (Capote),Frances McDormand (North Country), Rachel Weisz (Constant Gardener),Michelle Williams (Brokeback Mountain)

Best Supporting Actor... George Clooney (Syriana),Matt Dillon (Crash),Paul Giamatti (Cinderella Man),Jake Gyllenhaal (Brokeback Mountain),William Hurt (History of Violence)

By Catherine Gee Film Editor

Christmas has been and gone and for most of the ordinary folk the coming months bring very little joy. But not being the types to put up with months of misery,the Hollywood clan decided to create a little entertainment to help pass the time.

So began the Screen Actors Guild Awards,the Golden Globes and the Oscars. With all those films to judge and outfits to plan,who has time to worry about the rubbish weather and the fact that they stupidly bought their fourth wife their seventh car?

These big industry back-slaps usually avoid all forms of controversy; it did take the Oscars 74 years to give an award to a black actress after all. Not this year though. The Golden Globes are seeking to destroy the sanctity of marriage by nominating all these filthy gay films. Not only are there gay cowboys in this year’s line up but also a gay writer and a person who gets a sex change. You may well ask ‘what is the world coming to?’

Personally,I still can’t quite come to terms with the success of Pride and Prejudice and would consider that a far greater threat to society than any gay film. Keira Knightley, possibly the most overrated woman since Kate Beckinsale,nominated for Best Actress? Something should be done. Besides,it’s about time Judi Dench won a leading role Oscar. Fat chance of that though.

Coming soon...

Designed to get you sweating at the mere thought of their arrival:

The Da Vinci Code (19/05/06) The book has been hideously popular,there’s no possible way this film won’t be. Meant to be about God or something.

The Fountain (TBC)

Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream) has finally made a new film. It looks fucking weird.

King Kong is stunning,superb, unforgettable and simply breathtaking. Epic in every sense of the word, Kong takes on the original and surpasses it in sheer ambition.

If you’re all monkeyed out go and see Woody Allen’s Match Point,in which a rain-drenched Scarlett Johansson features in quite possibly

MATCH POINT:Not a clean pair of pants in the cinema

THEISLAND: You rub my back and I’ll... have sex with Benicio Del Toro in a lift

the sexiest silver screen moment ever. This may be a sign of Allen selling out but here he has constructed a perfectly taut thriller albeit overly-long and featuring one of the campest of romantic leads.

A place where camp leads would seem at home is within the ‘gay western’,however, Brokeback Mountain could not be different from the attached pseudonym. It’s a love story that spans a lifetime with authentic performances from Ledger, Gyllenhaal,and Michelle Williams set among ambitious landscapes and is believable for every second.

A COCK AND BULL STORY: No bull. Bit of cock

Gentleman. This period piece is told in the tone of Barry Lyndon with Coogan narrating and occasionally slipping into Partridge territory. That’s a fact.

Another possible pseudonym could have been A Cock and Bull Story,which is quite conversely the title for another terribly British Michael Winterbottom experience. Starring Brydon and Coogan or Coogan and Brydon depending on your preference,it’s a film of the adaptation of Laurence Sterne's essentially unfilmable novel, The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy,

Here the war scenes had fights, unlike Jarhead. Jarhead is not so much an anti-war film but an anti-military film. It uses the black humour of Buffalo Soldiers and Three Kings and mixes it with the jaw-dropping aesthetics of a oil-drenched horse trotting along the desert and corpse hording soldiers.

Finally Memoirs of a Geisha is a visitation in Eastern culture that is humbling and questions Westerner’s perceptions. Go see them all now.

F F R R E E E E S ST T U U F F F F

Win The Island on DVD

You lucky Quench readers have the chance to win a brand spanking new copy of The Island on DVD.

Another one of Michael Bay’s classic action thrillers,he is responsible for Top Gun and Armageddon amongst many many others. This time he’s paired up Ewan McGregor and girl of the moment Scarlett Johansson. The survivors of global contamination live in a sterile,self-contained world where their every move is monitored. The rules are easy: be pleasant, refrain from asking questions,and don't rock the boat. The survivors all eagerly await their big payoff: winning the lottery and being sent to The Island,the only remaining untainted land in the world. To win just answer this one question.

What colour hair does Scarlett johansson have? a) Green b) Blue c) Blonde

Email your answer and your details to film@gairrhydd.com. Good luck.

Film 41

The Man in Black

TWALKTHELINE

Dir: James Mangold Starring: Joaquin Phoenix,Reese Witherspoon

Out Now,136 mins

he 1950s was an important period for popular music within America. It was the decade that brought forth the likes of Elvis Presley,Jerry Lee Lewis,Johnny Cash,June Carter,Patsy Cline,Bob Dylan and the rest of those innovators that sent the popular music of that era to the stratosphere.

Based on his autobiographies,this is a chronicle of country music legend Johnny Cash,from his early days on an Arkansas cotton farm to his rise to fame with Sun Records in Memphis. Walk the Line opens outside Folsom maximum security prison in 1968. As the camera crawls across the ground,over the prison walls and through the various corridors of the building,we become increasingly aware of a rhythmic rumbling sound. When the camera finally reaches its intended location,we discover the source of the noise. The prisoners of Folsom are all huddled around a makeshift stage; and their clapping and the stamping of their feet threatens to bring the house down as they wait for their hero,Johnny Cash.

As the impatient noise of the inmates grows,Cash (Joaquin Phoenix) waits quietly backstage and the viewers also begin to become impatient as we wait for him to perform. But,as Cash fingers a prison saw,we flashback to Arkansas in 1944 and see the youngster and his growth into a music legend. This is the brilliant opening sequence to James Mangold's tender and involving biopic of the man in black.

Joaquin Phoenix wears Johnny Cash like a suit. When we hear him play for the first time we hear that unique booming voice,and the movie explodes into life. Phoenix channels a man so distinct in appearance and voice to a level that is beyond admirable,capturing every subtle nuance but also making him believable as a flawed human being. He's got the baritone voice and the confident swagger down to a tee. It truly is a remarkable transformation and it's equal to Foxx's Ray Charles without nearly as much caricature. Phoenix is particularly brilliant,not only in the romantic scenes but in moments where Cash discusses his brother's early death.

Yet Phoenix may not give the best performance in the film. Reese Witherspoon takes the role of Cash's life-long love June Carter and her performance is simply breathtaking. As soon as she appears she injects a massive jolt of electricity into the film. She brilliantly captures the struggle of

a woman who alternately loves,hates and fears for Cash; her emotionally complex and stunningly nuanced performance is fantastic to watch. Her role as Carter is undoubtedly the zenith of her career,and her tangible chemistry with Phoenix gives the film a genuine spark. The phenomenal performances made this film come alive with the astounding verisimilitude of their acting. Their performances are made even more stupendous when it is discovered that Phoenix learned guitar and Witherspoon the auto-harp,and they both sang without the use of lip-synching. This believability lends itself to their relationship together as they convincingly portray two people falling in love in a manner that's sincere and sweet but never cheaply sentimental.

In addition,the film doesn't manipulate the viewers' feelings and there are no attempts at the predestination of Cash as a superstar or over-glamorisation or over-dramatizion of the events. Most importantly,the musical sequences are electric and his renditions of Get Rhythm,and Cocaine Blues are some of the best music performances in movie history.

Walk the Line is everything Ray was not and is possibly the best biopic of recent times. By being deliriously romantic,exhilaratingly entertaining, and profoundly moving,all underlayed by a spectacular soundtrack,it is a two and a half hour tour de force.

Ryan Owen

New York’s big three

The man often referred to as America's greatest movie director, Scorsese's influence is impossible to overstate. His red-blooded canon has spawned many copycats while his muscular style has become a template.

He is a heavyweight champion of American movies and his portraits of violence are unlike any other. Through his demented aesthetic,he reminds us that the world can be brutal,unpleasant and usually very bloody. Films like Taxi Driver (1976) and Raging Bull (1980) show that Scorsese is still among the most seductive filmmakers working today.

Scorsese grew up in Manhattan's Little Italy,and his experiences there inform most of his early work,leading to most of his films produced in New York. In the early 1960s he was in the film studies program at New York University,where he eventually taught Oliver Stone (Natural Born Killers,JFK) and Spike Lee (Do The Right Thing,Summer of Sam).

He has been nominated for the Academy Award for Best Director five times, but has,notoriously,never won. He has also directed 16 different actors in Oscar nominated performances. One of those is with famous collaborator Robert De Niro who has worked with the magic-eyebrowed one on no less than eight films. Ryan Owen

PTossibly not the most ‘important’ film ever shot in New York but it may certainly be the most fun. It is the spawn of the Akyroyd (Ray),Murray (Venkman),Reitman (director),Ramis (Spengler) team.

It’s a common fact that the role of Peter Venkman was originally written for John Belushi of Animal House fame but as he died of a drug overdose before filming began the role went to Bill Murray instead. Despite the sad circumstances I’m sure there are many who are very glad that things turned out the way they did.

It is Murray who gets to play the romantic as well as waste-ofspace role with his flirtation with Sigourney Weaver. Despite her best efforts,what woman can resist the Murray charms?

The film uses many famous New York sights,the best known being the final sequence atop the Empire State Building. Weaver has been possessed by a hell demon and shed her frumpy look for excessive glittery blusher and a ripped dress. The situation is then made steadily worse when a giant Sta-Puft marshmallow man appears and walks the city’s streets.

The sequel also made full use of the city it was filming in by utilising a moving Statue of Liberty to defeat an evil ghost that lives in a painting.

Catherine Gee

he odyssey of this artist,who from beginnings as a cerebral-schlemiel stand-up comic has become one of the leading luminaries in American film,is unique in cinema history. Born on December 1 1935,in Brooklyn,New York,Woody Allen began stand-up in 1961 and then went onto screenwriting in 1965 and finally directing in 1966.

In 1977 Annie Hall was his breakthrough movie,winning Allen a Best Director Oscar. The film,replete with self conscious,straight-out-of-film-school visual compositions make Annie Hall one of his best films and elevate it to cult status. Allen’s onscreen persona Alvy Singer talks about New York: “Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing,communist,Jewish,homosexual pornographers?”

Allen’s other landmark film, Manhattan (1979),is a bittersweet romantic comedy that painted New York City in nostalgic black-and-white,snagging him another Academy Award nomination for Best Screenplay.

Allen is one of the most prolific American directors of his generation,averaging almost a film a year since his directorial debut in 1966. Normally set in New York City,his work has been nominated or won a number of 136 awards and he has directed 14 different actors in Oscar-nominated performances.

Ryan Owen

Martin Scorsese

Woody Allen

Ghostbusters

WDERAILED

Dir: Mikael Hafstrom

Starring: Clive Owen, Jennifer Aniston, Vincent Cassel

Out 03/01,107 mins

hen Charles Schine (Clive Owen) falls for Lucinda Harris (Jennifer Aniston) it’s bound to lead to bad places.

Schine works in advertising while his wife Deanna (Melissa George) struggles through a teaching job in order to raise funds for procedures for their daughter Amy (Addison Tamlin),who has type-one diabetes. When Schine,in a moment of weakness takes Lucinda to a seedy motel, he does not count on the mugger who breaks in on them,raping Lucinda,stealing Charles’s wallet and beating him into submission.

What follows is a tense tale of blackmail and extortion,as Schine tries to prevent his family life from breaking down whilst meeting the increasingly outlandish demands of the criminal La Roche (Vincent Cassel). Clive Owen is decent in his role as the hapless Schine,but Aniston struggles to shake off her ‘Rachel from Friends’ image and does not fully engage as a femme fatale career woman. Cassel,having made his career out of playing psychotics,excels in his role as La Roche however. Derailed is a standard ‘cat and mouse’ thriller with the obligatory twists and turns ending, but it sets out to achieve nothing more,and in doing so is fairly successful as a result.

Ewen Hosie

CTHE NEW WORLD

Dir: Terrence Malick

Starring: Colin Farrell, Q’Oianka Kilcher, Christian Bale,David Thewlis

Out 03/01,150 mins

olin Farrell should be Hollywood gold. Having Terrence Malick,Oliver Stone, Steven Spielberg and Joel Schumacher on your CV reference list is nothing to be sneered at. Yet somehow the boy from Bally K just can’t seem to make a truly decent, successful film.

More a love story than an adventure of the discovery of America, The New World’s main focus is Pocahontas and her beau John Smith (Farrell). Unfortunately,from what we can gather,apart from a liking for bouncing around in fields,she seems to have little in the way of real personality. The extent of their love for each other seems to be a lot of stroking and gazing into one another’s eyes.

As per every-other-love-story-ever the two are torn apart when Smith is sent by the King to go discover other places. Enter Christian Bale stage left who also takes a shine to young Pocahontas. And why shouldn’t he? She is a Native American with enough forethought to shave her armpits after all. They end up getting married and… yeah the rest.

Though it is a beautifully shot film one does expect one or two more battle sequences and less diegetic music telling us precisely what is beautiful and at which bits we should be feeling sad. At well over two hours long this isn’t quite worth sitting through.

Catherine Gee

Spielberg’s latest is a direct, controversial take on the aftermath of the Munich Olympic Games of 1972 (where eleven Israeli athletes were murdered by the Palestinian terrorist organisation Black September).

The revenge strike carried out by Israeli intelligence,involved the systematic assassination of those involved in planning these murders.

Brushing aside the dubious historical accuracy of the piece (Spielberg does,to his credit,assert that the film is intended to be seen as art inspired by real events as opposed to depicting them),the question remains over its quality. It is then,ambitious, technically adept but curiously soulless; despite an outstanding central performance from Eric Bana (capable of communicating a plethora of human emotions simply through a flicker of his eyes),it seems that in Spielberg’s quest to be seen as a ‘high-art’ filmmaker he simply loses a sense of the enjoyment factor so prevalent in his previous work.

Munich attempts to relay a complicated message about violence,retribution and the mindsets of the men whose task it is to carry out such deeds,and whether it wholly succeeds in doing this is debatable. It is, however,an interesting,provocative piece from a master of the craft,and as such is well worth investigating.

James Skinner

COLIN FARRELL: He stares. Then he stares some more.

MUNICH

Out Now,112 mins Dir: Steven Spielberg Starring: Eric Bana, Daniel Craig,Mathieu Kassovitz

JENNIFER ANISTON: Worth it?

CNORTH COUNTRY

Dir: Niki Caro

Starring: Charlize Theron,Frances McDormand

harlize Theron once again shows the world that she is a proper actress really. She’s left the Hollywood glamour behind in favour of overalls and dodgy 70s hair.

This isn’t as much of a challenge as Monster. There’s no prosthetic make-up and in this film she is both sane and beautiful. Set in the North Country of the Northern USA this is a heavily fictionalised version of the true story of the first female miners.

The extent to which this mirrors real-life events is fairly obvious,not really. This is a world where the men are very evil and their courtrooms wouldn’t look out of place in General

The DVDon Reviews you can’t refuse

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, Out Now

It’s been a few months since its release but Pride and Prejudice is still the same pile of Pope-shit it ever was. Keira Knightley is better than expected but that Matthew MacFadyen should sell himself to a monastry in shame of his attempt to upstage the mighty Colin Firth. Try as we may to see the TV and film versions separately it just ain’t possible. Much like an embarrassing younger brother whose incessant copying has caused him to fall onto a pile of his mother’s dirty knickers whilst trying on his girlfriend’s make up and singing It’s Raining Men. The Don Says: “There’s plenty to teach your young ones from a book such as this. For example,laughing won’t get you a lady.”

KINKY BOOTS Out Now

Yet another shining British flick about working-class life. And very charming it is too. Starring such Brit beauties as Nick Frost (of Shaun of the Dead fame),Joel Edgerton and ‘Me Julie’

Hospital or some other such cheesy soap opera.

As is true in just about every film she’s ever been in,Frances McDormand shines like a penny dipped in Cillit Bang. Playing the only woman the cruel male miners don’t pick on,she’s both diplomatic and tough.

The rest of the ladies are not so lucky,being subjected to semen deposits in their lockers,insulting graffiti and constant jibes that make them fear for their safety. Being too wimpy to speak out it takes one employee (our Theron) who dares to sue after being attacked by her former childhood sweetheart.

As a film it’s watchable,pacey and at times enthralling. At others it’s just downright unbelievable. Given how far from the truth the director decided to make it,the dedication to the real life miners at the end just seems contrived.

Catherine Gee

from Ali G Indahouse, this is the story of a Northampton shoe factory due to close. Then a gaudy cabaret act comes in to save the day.

Although this ain’t the best of its genre everybody loves a feel-good Brit-flick.

The Don Says: “Film about boots? I may be getting weary but the blood and gore of a zombie film is eternally preferable.”

ELIZABETHTOWN Out Now

From former rock-kid Cameron Crowe comes this Deep South love story between an industrial shoe designer (Orlando Bloom) and a flight attendant (Kirsten Dunst). They meet on a plane when he travels home following the death of his father. Sounds winning already doesn’t it?

Well truth be told this ain’t half bad. Sure enough it’s a chick-flick and there’s no hiding from it but Dunst and Bloom manage not to be entirely sickening and there’s always the support from the marvellous Susan Sarandon and Alec Baldwin to pick things up.

It’s all typically risk-free and cozy but if you’re in one of those moods where thinking just isn’t an option then it’ll probably see you right.

The Don Says: “Bonasera... Bonasera...”

BEWITCHED Out Now

Only the second remake featured in this issue which,given the state of the imaginations of today’s film producers,could well be worse.

THERON: Proper actress

Much like Pride and Prejudice everybody loves the original version of this 60s sitcom so Nora Ephron had a fair job on her hands here.

In the up-to-date version a director manages to cast a real-life witch in his remake of the TV series. It’s all pretty standard fare,though there could be no-one else to play the role of Endora these days than good ol’ Shirley MacLaine.

The Don Says: “Such talk of witchcraft is blasphemy. All shall burn in the fires.”

T H E C A N N E L O N I S P E C I A L CORPSE BRIDE Out Now

Tim Burton,he sure is a fine fellow. His slip-ups have been but few. He has good friends as well. Johnny Depp is always willing to help him out by doing a quick voice-over.

Corpse Bride tells the tale of Victor Van Dort who,when practising his wedding vows in a graveyard, finds himself married to a dead lady. He’s taken off to the underworld which he finds to be much more exciting than his boring old Victorian up-bringing. Yet true love cannot die and he cannot forget his wife-to-be,Victoria. He then must try his mightiest to get back to the real world and find her.

The Don Says: “I used to think corpses made good dolls until Action Corpse fell onto my dinner and I caught the itchy syphillis.”

W W ORD: ORD:

It’ It’s the 2006 NYC special! On that note, s the 2006 NYC special! On that note, w w e give you a re e give you a re vie vie w of the rather fine debut no w of the rather fine debut no vel from the city’ vel from the city’s s latest “sensation” Benjamin K latest “sensation” Benjamin K unk unk el, el, as w as w ell as taking a look at two no ell as taking a look at two no vels set among its streets, vels set among its streets, JD JD Salinger’ Salinger’s classic s classic The Catcher in the Rye The Catcher in the Rye and the fir and the fir st no st no vel from the incredibly young Nick McDonell (now vel from the incredibly young Nick McDonell (now 21), 21), TTwelve welve (who, (who, incidentally incidentally, , w w e will also be inter e will also be inter vie vie wing next issue, wing next issue, upon the publication of his rather fine upon the publication of his rather fine sophomore title, sophomore title, The The Thir Thir d Brother d Brother ). Else ). Else where, where, Nik Cohn’ Nik Cohn’s hip hop odysse s hip hop odysse yy TTriksta riksta receives the Quench receives the Quench treatment, treatment, the masterful Gabrial Garcia-Marquez retur the masterful Gabrial Garcia-Marquez retur ns with ns with Memories of m Memories of m y Melancholy y Melancholy Whor Whor es es ,, Al F Al F rank rank en en doesn’ doesn’ t lik t lik e George Bush much, e George Bush much, and w and w e pla e pla y catch-up to one of W y catch-up to one of W ales’ premier young talents ales’ premier young talents Rachel Rachel TTresize, resize, whose V whose V alle alle ys set collection of shor ys set collection of shor t stories gar t stories gar nered massive acclaim last year nered massive acclaim last year.

TINDECISION

Kunkel Picador

Debut novel from acclaimed New York based writer.Really very,very good indeed...

he Independent has labelled Benjamin Kunkel “the new sensation of literary New York”; Dave Eggers and JD Salinger comparisons have excitedly been bandied around (Kunkel,like Eggers,is editor of a literary magazine - n+1),and this,his debut book,certainly justifies the hype.

Indecision is a novel wrapped up as a memoir; at its simplest a coming-ofage story for the modern world,in which the central plight of our protagonist Dwight B. Wilmerding is his ‘chronic inability to make decisions’, or ‘abulia’ as it is (really is) medically known. At 28-years-old he is living a dorm-room-like existence in New York with old prep-school friends,working in tech support for a massive pharmaceutical company where his notable potential is floundering,and drifting through a series of non-committal relationships.

When one of his med school flatmates offers him the chance to experience ‘Abulinix’ – a new,experimental wonder drug for abulia sufferers,he leaps at the

THE AMAZON RAINFOREST: It’s a bit nice

chance. A prompt dismissal from his job ensues,and following a chance email from the enigmatic Natasha of his school years,he decides on impulse to meet her in Ecuador – somewhere “neutral” where the drug can take effect to its maximum degree. This forms the latter half of the

“ A wonderful addition to the growing roster of counter-culture novels young writers are throwing out there

book,which combines a tale of political awakening with a love story of sorts,as Dwight and his companion (not Natasha,who promptly scarpers, but her friend Brigid,a BelgianArgentinean anthropologist) travel deep into the Amazonian rainforest, occasionally witnessing firsthand the exploitation by the US State Department of those indigenous to this poorer (but conversely higher in natural resources) nation.

Traces of many recent zeitgeist-y flavoured works can be found in Kunkel’s novel – whether it’s the equating of consumerism and apathy to twenty-something white males favoured by Chuck Palahnuik’s Fight Club,the stylised yet endearing observations offered us by an angry yet

charming narrator who recalls Dave Eggers’s principal characters,or the ambitious,wholly admirable political message that effectively renders this book an American counterpart to Scarlett Thomas’s recent,UK-set novel PopCo (more next issue on this). Indecision certainly shares with these works a sense of the broader concerns of the young literati of the moment; far from a criticism however, these are important issues,dealt with deftly by Kunkel. As Dwight states: “Our life sucks only because we wish it didn’t,meanwhile we morally betray the world’s labouring and unemployed poor people in the nation of Ecuador and elsewhere by our failure to enjoy the fruit and nuts of our privileged consumer lifestyle”.

Okay,so it may sound a little heavy, meaning that now is an opportune moment to add that in places this book is also wildly funny – take the rap group who go by the name An Embarrassment Of Bitches (“have we found out if these guys are black yet?”),and the many comic set-pieces that arise from Dwight’s – yes! –Indecision as a case in point.

This is a book that enlightens without being patronising,and is affecting while still being consistently pleasurable to read. It is,quite simply,a wonderful addition to the growing roster of counter-culture novels young writers are throwing out there,and compulsive as hell to boot.

James Skinner

Benjamin

CHEEKY ECUADORIAN KIDS: Ecua-dorable. Ouch.

NEW YORKFICTION

Across the page we look Benjamin Kunkel’s Indecision,a novel partly set in the city, which engages with the tragic events of 2001 by having its central character witness the explosions from his apartment window while in the haze of an ecstasy comedown.

Taking things a step further, Frederic Biegbeder’s recently reviewed Windows On The World looked at that morning in a real-time and emotionally draining narrative. And recent notable novels set in the city also include Benjamin Markovits’ Either Side Of A Winter,which dealt with relationships and how they work in the Big Apple, and Stephen King’s much neglected

Dark Tower series,which portrayed the city in a number of varying periods, subtly and effectively touching upon the terrorist attacks.

But to go through every book that touches upon New York would be an impossible task,so instead I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest two key works (from two different eras) that could not exist without the city –JD Salinger’s 1951 classic, The Catcher In The Rye,and what could in many ways be considered its modernday equivalent,Nick McDonell’s Twelve. But first, Rye

Having read the book as a highly impressionable (not to mention slightly precocious) youngster,I longed to roam the grids and avenues of the city as the disillusioned young Holden Caulfield did,and wonder when the ducks would return to an icebound, beautiful Central Park.

A gripping tale of drugs, sex and explosive violence set among the affluent youth of New York City (on Twelve)

“

In his novel Salinger touched on so many of the aspects of the city we see still being explored in literature (and indeed,throughout the arts) today: the sense of alienation and loneliness in a shady urban environment perhaps prevailing (Home Alone 2 this ain’t),and also wrote of the underclass - the hardbitten pimps and prostitutes that inhabit the city,alongside the privileged,cold middle-class society-types, the “phoneys” Holden railed against, as the dark NYC streets increasingly

reflected his own inner despair. Flash forward half a century,and Twelve,the debut novel from Nick McDonell picked up the kind of hype usually reserved for young bands from places like Sheffield with a sharp line in social commentary. Of course,it helped that he was only 17-years-old upon writing it,and more so that it is absolutely fantastic,a gripping tale of drugs,sex and explosive violence among the affluent youth of the city. Set over four days leading up to a fateful New Year’s Eve party,White Mike is McDonell’s Holden counterpart; “thin and pale like smoke”,he stalks the city in his role as a Nietzsche-quoting drug-dealer,an occupation he fell into after the death of his mother. Adults don’t figure in White Mike’s world,as McDonell paints a picture of youth prematurely disenchanted with the world around them, in a perfect antithesis to the countless American high school films where such issues form a barely-there backdrop to unrealistic relationships with the depth and realism of a lipstick commercial.

In his clipped style and unashamedly cinematic chapters he owes a debt to other famous New York literary figures such as F. Scott Fitzgerald,as well as inviting comparisons with everyone from Bret Easton Ellis to Ernest Hemingway. In the words of Hunter S. Thompson: “Nick McDonell is the real thing… I’m afraid that he will do for his generation what I did for mine.”

James Skinner

Nick McDonell discusses his new novel

The Third Brother next issue

SALINGER AND MCDONELL: NYCRepresent

The beloved ducks of Central Park

THETRUTH... WITHJOKES

Al Franken Penguin/Alley Lane

Latest from politically inclined comic - Franken doesn’t give a damn

Wednesday January 4. Your correspondent has recently finished Al Franken's sixth book. In it featured a head-shakingin-disbelief chapter on the corruption of US Congressman Tom DeLay and Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff. He turns on the news to find out that Abramoff had been indicted on massive counts of corruption and fraud. Al Franken wrote about this six months ago.

Marketed as Michael Moore with credibility (the pair share the same publishing house),the Harvard graduate has been railing against America's media-right since 1996's Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot - an attack on the founding father of US right-wing talk radio Rush Limbaugh (who else?) Franken is also one of the few prominent critics of the Iraq invasion to go

AFRESHAPPLES

Rachel Trezise Parthian

More exciting

Welsh literary talent, in a set of short stories depicting Valley life

fter storming onto the literary scene with debut novel In and Out of the Goldfish Bowl, Rachel Trezise is back with Fresh Apples.

With an Orange Futures Award to her name for In and Out…,Rhonddaborn Trezise had already won critical acclaim at the tender age of 25. And just three years on this trend looks set to continue with her latest offering,a collection of 11 short stories set in the Welsh valleys.

Using what has become Trezise’s trademark wit and brutal honesty, Fresh Apples catapults the reader through a rollicking world of sex, drugs and grime.

Using the title of the collection,

and perform for US troops in Iraq –along with Robin Williams and Henry Rollins. TheTruth,rather than attack right-wing media fear-mongers like Ann Coulter and Fox's Bill O'Reilly (Franken's usual foes),goes straight for the top. Divided into two books, the first chronicles the methods George Walker Bush used to get himself re-elected in 2004,the second documents other corruption in Washington - especially the Abramoff case.

Sample chapters of book one include: How Bush Won: Fear,How Bush Won: Smear and How Bush

“President Bush yeah? He’s rubbish!”

Won: Queers. Not a huge fan of the President then.

The Truth is generally persuasive, and if the Abramoff case is anything to go by,accurate and filled with the kind of details that would make many

Fresh Apples opens the offering and sets the tone with a dubious incident of molestation.

Coney Island sees a schoolgirl get swept off her feet by a pimp who gives her an endless stream of money and fast food - only to find herself embroiled in international crime –while Merry Go-Rounds delves into the murky world of cocaine addiction, obsession and kidnap.

Not a read for the faint-hearted and anyone looking for a rose tinted portrayal of Valley life,Trezise’s prose is punchy,gripping and addictive. Her command of dialogue,which is written in lucid Valleys dialect,grounds even Trezise’s craziest plot lines in startling realism. While Trezise’s penchant for grit can make Fresh Apples a depressing read her sardonic wit keeps the collection intriguing.

And for anyone who has grown up in Wales,Trezise’s characterisations are a true delight – she conjures up the names,the faces and the sounds of Welsh life with ease.

With its cocktail of grit,realism and searing humour, Fresh Apples is a refreshing insight into life in the

Americans want to bury their heads in their hands. However,Franken's obvious partisanship (the first chapter sees him crying after John Kerry's loss) does detract from his frank arguments. That said,someone with a passing interest in American politics is likely to learn more from Franken than most US TVnetworks or even Mr Moore himself. A credible and incisive left-wing voice. Will Dean

FRANKEN. FACTS.

- Al was one of the original writers on America's long-running Saturday Night Live show.

- He was sued by Fox for subtitling his last book, Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them,a 'fair and balanced look at the right' for playing on the network's 'Fair and Balanced' tagline. The case was 'laughed out of court' and garnered tonnes of publicity for Franken's book.

- Franken has one of the flagship shows on Air America,a syndicated radio network that attempts to reverse the monopoly of the rightwing on US airwaves.

Welsh valleys.

While some readers may find her lean towards grime a little too much to take, Fresh Apples promises big things to come for Trezise – and shows that there is a stark young voice in the world of Welsh fiction. Kerry-Lynne Doyle

Valleys. Tidy

Nik Cohn Harvill Secker TRIKSTA:LIFE ANDDEATHAND NEWORLEANS RAP

This book lives in the streets of New Orleans. Beautifully constructed,it follows the author as he adopts the role of 'Triksta',a talent spotter assumed by all to have great influence in New York.

A white 55-year-old male from Northern Ireland,with a fascination for New Orleans from an early age which takes him to the city as an observer. He slowly gets drawn into the music and the musicians behind it and tries to the point of obsession to get these stars heard outside of their home city.

The book delves into the lives of New Orleans martyrs,rappers who

“Honestly,I dig thehip hop”

MMEMORIESOF MY MELANCHOLY WHORES

Gabriel García

Márquez

Jonathan Cape

Márquez returns

emories of my Melancholy Whores is the first work of fiction in ten years from Nobel Prize winner Márquez. Readers familiar with his usual mix of realism and fantasy will not be disappointed by the content of his latest offering, which follows a 90 year old man who wakes up on his birthday with the desire to have sex with a virgin.

The year that follows,during which the central character changes his outlook on love and fantasizes about his housekeeper,certainly makes for an

were on the verge of great things, having set their lives straight,only to lose it to the ever-raging gun crime of the city. It also features the story of the gold-toothed self-confessed star 'Choppa',as Cohn sets himself the unthinkable and impossible task of producing and co-writing the teenage star's first album. In the second half the book finally settles on a very personal account of three people each with their own wholly unique style,as armed with a New York label's backing,Cohn struggles to get them recognition.

The book ends and you're left with

interesting read.

Although the novel is definitely not as gratuitous as the synopsis might suggest,at times it can seem unnecessarily obscure and a bit too pretentious - Márquez definitely sacrifices realism for fantasy. That said,certain sad moments in the plot are skillfully described with surprising poignancy, although the combination of highly unrealistic female characters and consistently surreal events make it difficult to relate to the central characters.

Luckily Memories…has much more to offer than its basic plot. Although the novel is very short,it is incredibly rich. The author provides frequent insights into topics such as love,age and sexuality that are relevant to everyone,and it is through these insights that the fantastical plot comes into its own,drawing attention to the novel’s central ideas in a highly

the same feeling of urgency and responsibility felt by the author throughout for all the characters involved. Not being the biggest fan of hip-hop and to this date knowing only of the bling and urban music that gets played in clubs and on the radio, I was drawn to the book by wanting to find the beauty,if any,behind the music. Although slightly heavy in detail in some places,the book proves an interesting read,and I am left with a long list of 'real' rappers singing 'real songs',ready to be hunted down on the internet. Addictive stuff. Ruth Manning

entertaining way.

Don’t be put off by the obscurity of Marquez’s plot. His thought-provoking observations provide much-needed empathy for the main character. It is this philosophical take on a highly surreal plot,combined with vivid and sensual descriptions,that make the novel worth reading. Liz Stephens

Wonderful stuff from legendary journo

New Orleans in better times

“Heh heh. Whores.”

Multiplayer madness

Sam Curtis presents a page dedicated to the finest multiplayer living room gaming known to man (probably)

MAKING UP FOR its sluggish predecessor,the imaginatively named Tekken 5 is a finely honed fighting masterpiece.

ESSENTIALLY unchanged from its SNES incarnation way back in 1992, Mario Kart on the Game Cube is still a work of multiplayer art.

For those who haven’t revelled in

A GAME WHICH needs no introduction: Halo 2 is arguably the best mul-

FUZION FRENZY shouldn’t be this

It features,in addition to a few new faces,the familiar assortment of crazy martial arts masters,including a kangaroo (that’s right) and a bear. The game manages to strike the perfect balance between competitive,fastpaced action and unintentional hilarity that all multiplayer greats should aspire to.

It pushes the tired Playstation 2 to its limits with superlative graphics and fast-paced action. The plethora of moves available as well as the excellent countering system results in a

its disturbingly cute world,the premise is simple: The portly moustachioed one is joined by a host of his chums who team up to race go-carts. Each team has a different special ability which along with a host of bizarre power-ups may be collected during a race.

Mario Kart excels at everything; responsive controls,superb level design,clear graphics (even if the colours give me a headache),not to mention iconic sound effects. All this combined with a four-player option

tiplayer experience to be had on any platform.

Disregarding its rather disappointing single-player campaign,it allows for up to 16 players to battle it out either on Xbox Live or with system link. Add to this the perfectly balanced weaponry,intelligent level design and a host of game variants, and the reasons behind its popularity become apparent.

popular both online and in living rooms across the country. It proves just how addictive killing your housemates can be; a true classic.

entertaining. The graphics and sound are poor and the box’s claim of ‘45 mini-games’ translates into about ten games with numerous variants.

However don’t let this put you off; all of the games are at least entertaining and some are inspired. The brilliant Twisted System stands out from the crowd. The premise is simple; four players have to run up a perpetually moving spiral that increases

in speed.

Attached to the spiral are girders at leg and head height,players must press either jump or duck as the bars approach. It’s a simple reaction game that’s brilliantly executed; the ensuing frantic mayhem typifies Fuzion Frenzy as classic multiplayer fodder.

Paul ‘The Hair’ Phoenix

Eight long years have passed since the now legendary Quake II first appeared on the gaming scene. Loved for its sublime mix of lateral thinking and extreme violence (well,actually just for the violencethinking wasn’t invented back then), the recently released Quake 4 has got some big military issue boots to fill.

Luckily for us,the lads down at Id Software have stuck to their original recipe of big guns and even bigger baddies. All our old friends can be found here (shotgun,RPG,lightning gun) along with some new ones (notably the hyperblaster and the deliciously overpowered Dark Matter gun). With the return of old friends also comes old enemies; the limb-pilfering Strogg are once again threatening humanity with a relentless campaign of dismemberment and it rests to you,marine Matthew Kane,to dish

out some good ol’ fashioned earthstyle whoop-ass.

Although Quake 4 makes excellent use of Id’s updated Doom 3 engine, don’t expect to be reaching for the man-nappy again. The ‘help me mummy it’s coming towards me’ atmosphere and claustrophobic aesthetic of Doom 3 have been replaced by open-plan environments that better exhibit the game’s spectacular dynamic lighting.

Another new feature is the addition of vehicles to some of the outdoor sections. You can now pilot tanks, man mobile turrets and,most entertainingly,stomp around in an Alien style mech-suit.

The Doom 3 engine has been used here to startling effect. The large open areas that were considered impossible to create are clearly present. The Strogg too are rendered in stunning gory detail andthe increased scale of the levels is complemented by skyscraper sized bosses. Add to this a frantic online multiplayer option and you’ve got yourself a highly entertaining,explosive action romp.

Nick Jenkins

Some good ol’ fashioned earth-style whoop-ass

Cult Classics

New York.A streaky bag of influential slag.From it’s inward looking blindbacks to its swaying skyscrapers that line its skeletrix style streets you can smell the works of genius like humble pie.The Big Apple pie that never rots or sleeps.

Andy Warhol SEINFELD

People Cult Classics are rarities. When picking out people from history it is often more convenient and accurate to use different terminology to describe them. Genghis Khan was a bloodthirsty tyrant,Einstein was a genius and Gandhi was a vegan rebel.

Using cult status to describe a person implies that they must have made a cultural contribution to a place and time. In the 1960s Andy Warhol did this for New York via the medium of lo-fi affectless pop art.

Like all greats in their fields Warhol was a watershed in the arts world. His most famous work,the 1962 32 Campbell’s Soup Cans, dispenses with any element of feeling, sacredness or solidity. It is a work about repetition and sameness: the same brand,same size,same paint surface,same fame as product. In doing so Warhol plays upon a mimicking of mass-advertising and the image of brand names.

This was the key to much of Warhol’s work. He used popular imagery and methods to visualize the American cultural identity of the 20th century. This popular redefinition of American culture is a theme and result of Warhol's art,and a move away from the previously in vogue abstract expressionism. Consequently,because American culture has had great international influence,Warhol did as well.

Matthew Turtle

Just as Cheers embodies Boston, The Sopranos New Jersey and Frasier Seattle, Seinfeldis sitcom New York. Despite achieving huge success over its nine-season run in the US,Jerry and the gang's antics never really took off in Britain. Perhaps this is because the show was defiantly unsentimental compared to the schmaltzy likes of Friends and Will & Grace. But never the mind,over the last year the series has been slowly released on DVD and the small but loyal cult of British fans are finally getting the chance to really appreciate the show.

The creation of stand-ups Jerry Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm star and creator Larry David,Seinfeld tackled the small issues. How do you react when someone gets the thanks for the big salad you bought? Is a bowl of soup a fair trade for an Armani suit? And is kissing during Schindler's List really morally reprehensible? Seinfeld became so popular because it had no big ideas,no recurring Ross and Rachel storylines and gave people the opportunity to point out the silly things they do as 'Seinfeld moments'.

In addition to this,George Costanza,based on David himself,is possibly the greatest sitcom character of all time – a man who could get himself into more difficult positions than a talented contortionist. George is a lying,hypocritical,self-centred schmutz. But,because the show, which manages to fit in four storylines for each character every episode,is so well written,we still love him. Seinfeld's legacy can be seen in the UK in the com-barrassment of The Office and Extras (Ricky Gervais is public Larry David devotee) and in America with Curb. If it feels familiar it's because Seinfeld was there first,and usually did it much,much better.

Will Dean

Cult places & stuff

LITTLE ITALY

Catchphrase: “Got any smokes mean Jean,you schmutz.”

Traits: Lots of sex,love your mother, don’t eat as much pizza as you think,they sometimes have rice.

Sights: San Genaro fair, moustaches,yellow cabs.

WWW.OVERHEARDINNEWYORK.COM Funny overheard NY conversations WWW.NYCBLOGGERS.COM Ramblings of art school knobbers

Triad territory

CHINA TOWN

Catchphrase: “I love Confucius,you schmutz”

Traits: Many signs,an array of health items and confectionary, other Chinese stereotypes.

Sights: The Fishmongers,the wok store,yellow cabs. CULTNYCWEBSITES

How much for Warhol’s soup? Oh,10 million quid

Tunnel Vision

T T unnel Vunnel V ision ision

By TV Gareth Cigar-chomping plutocrat

Isee a flaw in the whole idea of ‘celebrity’. It seems us regular folk spend all our day-dreaming about being famous for one thing or another while our self appointed celebs just want to be like us.

I remember when reality TV was the socialism of televisual programming. By the people for the people or something. Normal people placed in extraordinary situations in the hope of landing a presenting job on a cable channel or at least getting some easy sex out of it when the show’s run is finished.

The past few months have been rife with reality TV. Shows such as Big Brother, Strictly Come Dancing and its illegitimate brother Dancing On Ice have all filled our TV schedules but with a slight difference. Apparently we are no longer trusted to entertain ourselves and so tacked on to these program titles is the ominous word ‘Celebrity’.

Y’see,whereas reality TV used to

be about normal people pretending to be famous people it is currently about famous people pretending to be normal people pretending to be famous people.

So for the past month or so I have primarily been avoiding Celebrity Big Brother as much as possible. I managed to get by with only the information Richard and Judy chose to give me as they attempted to add a bit of class to the proceedings/keep their Channel 4 bosses sweet,and I attempted to remain down with the kids.

I know enough though. Our eventual chosen one was ‘Chantelle’. In a remarkable coup d’etat for the common man,or in her case the VERY

“Celebrities: Reality TV is ours. You have your flash cars,your platinum credit cards and your head up Mark Frith’s arse,so please back down and give us back our five minutes

common woman,over such luminaries as Jodie ‘Geppetto’s Daughter’ Marsh and George ‘Tosh from The Bill’ Galloway,I’m hoping this marks the beginning of the reclamation of what is rightfully ours.

As if that wasn’t bad enough the recent success of Soapstar Superstar is another nail in our collective coffin. Riga mortis has yet to set into XFactor’s twitching corpse and now we’re treated to this abortion of a programme.

Though it was very charitable in giving a few failed or mediocre soap stars something to do in-between

appearing on Des And Mel bleating on about some fictional West End show they claim to be starring in,the only thing this did for me was shatter dreams.

That being that,that Goff kid off Coronation Street is more likely to sacrifice his seat to an old granny on the bus than a virgin into a pit of flames and Bombhead is actually a cunt and his hair isn’t ironic.

I know it’s very old hat to slag off reality TV and so I shan’t,as it does have its genius moments and there are very few things that bring me more pleasure than seeing Andi Peters’ smug face smash into a sheet of ice,but crucially... Celebrities: Reality TV is ours. You have your flash cars,your platinum credit cards and your head up Mark Frith’s arse,so please back down and give us back our five minutes.

TOSH OF THE BILL FAME: Viva la revolucion!

‘Georgeous George’: Post-soapbox-ectomy

CHANTELLE: Fanfare for the common woman

Bastian Springs A scumbag don't you know

VinylRestingPlace

Newton's Third Law states that "every action has an equal and opposite reaction". Apply this to pop music,and the same rules apply. For every critically acclaimed idiot savant,or chart-raping pimpified assmuncher,there's an equal whose career sods off down unlucky los- ers highway,and we never hear from them again. In 2005,New York four-piece the Hold Steady released their second album Separation Sunday,a concept album of story songs about drug-tak- ing,retribution,partying and their subsequent consequences,wrapped up in fist-punching blue-col- lar rock n' roll,attitude,lyrical dexterity,and sheer glamour and ambition. A quick trip across the Atlantic to sunny Britain (where the Hold Steady don't have a record deal) and who are on the cover of every newspaper under the sun (and the Sun itself)? A bunch of illiterate 19-year-old mongs who have unleashed a quasi-concept album about erm,being a scruffbag,erm,being a prostitute,and erm like,the overwhelming tragedy of people not playing enough Jam B-sides in rock clubs. Wrapped up in sub-par 1996 Britpop schtick and not a lot else. Likewise,the Editors: wank. The National: ace. Bullet For My Valentine: Wank. Children of Bodom: ace. Just because you're buying British,guys,doesn't mean you're buying better. OK? But from a nation which is kosher with seeing their idols make gurning faces at semi-professional Paris Hilton lookalikes for fun,I wouldn't expect anything less.

Firstthings first,it's not about the hype. Really,the poor little Monkeys surely can't be blamed for 90% of the singles being bought by blathering cloth-eared trend-jockeys who only need a whiff of hip and they’re high on their own self-importance. They can't be blamed for binge-and-purge nonsense hyperbole like "Bigger Than the Beatles after Only One Week!" (© All hacks 2006). No,no. That's not their fault. What the cheeky little scamps can be held responsible in a court of law for,is being indistinguishably average,at best,and low-rent drivellous wishy-washy repressed monk-arsed CRAP the rest of the time. Vampires… in case the title didn't holler it out on a ten-foot billboard just by its "ooh-gore-blimey-I'm-witty title usually shat out by emo-riddled Hundred Reasons support acts,is firmly in the dire quarter of the Arctic Monkeys' ouvre. As per usual,we're talking a three minute barf through rehab-friendly Libertines toss-offs and inane diatribes about how crummy life in Northern Britain is and that chavs don't think about things as deeply as they do. Now then,don't know about you,but if my life was as dull as Sheffield ditchwater,would I want a bunch of multi-faceted scrotums "telling me like it is"? No! So regardless of how many mercy-me Britishisms like "oooh round our way" and "proper crooks" the Monkeys crowbar into their hilariously unromantic vignettes,all they do is contribute to the ugly,stale and unrealistically Kes-like state of Britain they're so expertly commentating on. But for most of the 90% of the city-dwelling fuck-faced idiots who think the pen is mightier than their own ears,who gives a fuck about any of that: they sing about going to indie clubs,so they're REAL PEOPLE and therefore bigger than the Beatles!

Findinga reason to dislike this monolithically hideous coupling of Max Cavalera's ineptly inferior "will this do?" post-Sepultura metal-sludge with the Limp Bizkit frontman's obligatory self-diagnosed hate crimes unevenly slopped over the top,isn't so much shooting fish in a barrel. It's more aiming a ten-foot cannon at a very small barrel,with a ten foot whale shoved inside,with a terminal illness and he actually wants to die anyway so's not to prolong the suffering.

Commercial metal in this form died on it's flatulent arse years ago when Fred Durst appeared on the front of Melody Maker (and the last EVER edition of Melody Maker,double whammy!) decorating a Christmas Tree,but you know as well as I do,that music this eradefiningly bad can easily stand the test of time,and whilst it's rather obvious to all concerned in 2006 that aggravated bum-fisted whine-metal was a load of semen-stained gobshite masquerading as pop stars,it still needs to be preserved,like smallpox and typhus, so that it can - nay,must never happen again. Bleed itself,firmly plasters itself to the numetal template and rarely lets go: Cavalera barks out life-questioning masterstrokes like "I'll make you bleed and you're bleeding now" over downtuned elastic guitars,dual vocals vomiting the chorus (bleed BLEED! Muthafucka!) and for light relief,check out Durst's guest spot: "You might have to digest a blade made for your ass to blade / you envious clown fuckin bleed". It's like an episode of guff-metal On The Buses,and then Parky turns up ("ooh – I'll get you!). The track trails off to what sounds like a mummified bison wanger being rattled around in a jar. The fish in the barrel,naturally,died after the first three seconds.

"Radiohead fans aren't as clever as they think they are because if they were,they wouldn't think "Creep" was a good song: Discuss"

MONKEYS: Nuts

Record #25 - ARCTIC MONKEYS

Crime: - Perhaps Vampires Is a Bit Strong,But…

Record #24 - SOULFLY (FEATURING FRED DURST) Crime:- Bleed