Quench Issue 3 - 18 Oct 2003

Welcome to OneTrick Pony. The trick is sex

It’s drinks time in Postcards from France

Meet Jim Sheridan in Interviews

Features explore global and local injustice

Fashion sort out their men

Railing against boring clichés in Gay

Travel advise on drinking beer and keeping safe

Girls Aloud rock Music’s world

Books pay their respects to George Orwell

Riath Al-Samarrai rants about drugs in

DC Gates muses in his fortnightly column

Executive editor Tristan Thomas Quench editor Alex Macpherson Arts Lizzie Brown,Rachel Pegum Blind Date Kerry-Lynne Doyle Books Maria Thomas Digital Gareth Lloyd,Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Caroline Ellis, Bex Singleton Features Vicky Corbett,Rhys James Film Mat Croft Food Jane Eyre,Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Katy Davies,Jenny Duxbury, Lisa Walkley Interviews Rob Plastow Music Jamie Fullerton,Anthony Lloyd One Trick Pony James Anthony,Janine Jones Photography Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund Sport Riath Al-Samarrai Travel Tim Clark,Laura Tovey Contributors Dave Adams,Gary Andrews,Mat Aplin,Nicky Bailey,Emma Brealy,Alastair Bulloch,Bushfire,Sam Coare,Mark Crumpton,Bill Cummings,Demelza Dallow,Andrew Davidson,Lyndsay Davies,Leigh Debbage,Ruth Dickinson,Jason Draper,Craig Driver, Chris Dutton,Stephen Fishbourne,David Ford,DCGates,Debbie Green,Chris Griffin, Rachel Hadfield,Lea Hesseldal,John Hopkins,Charlotte Howells,Kris Ilic,JLee,Perri Lewis,Andy Lightfoot,Chris Lilley,Eleri Lloyd,Polly March,Ellie Mitten,David Murray Jones,Andy Parsons,Shell Plant,Doctor Proctor,Matthew Ramsden,Katy Read,Beth Reeves,Sarah Rhodes,Richard Samuels,Ciara Sarkar,Jim Sefton,AJSilvers,Donald Sinclair-Smith,Natalie Slater,Nathalie Southall,Rob Telford,Sian Thatcher,Lisa Walkley, Chris White,James Woodroof,Ben Wright Photographers Tim Alben,Simon Shoulders Proof readers Sayantanee Chakraborty,Jeni Oborn,Rhian Wolfe

Lex’s Law

Let’s talk about the “values of our forebears”,like conformity,prejudice and feudalism. Hang on.

Let’s not characterise them so harshly:that’s just knee-jerk, unthinking leftiness,the liberal equivalent of the Daily (Hate)Mail’s reactionism. It’s perfectly true that the history of Britain contains significant measures of courage and ingenuity. Think of (insert own favourite British cultural or political figure here); of course we have a great heritage! Even the Empire wasn’t wholly reprehensible,though it’s fair to say that the cultural benefits of independence far outweigh anything we brought to the Commonwealth table. After all,if we should be proud of our heritage,surely this is a right which accrues to citizens of all countries as well?

Pride,though. Ever wondered how odd it is that we should be proud of accomplishments which,at the end of the day,have nothing to do with us as individuals?Whether one praises or criticises Britain’s heritage - or,more sensibly,does both - it shouldn’t be a question of pride. These aren’t our accomplishments; merely sharing a nationality with Shakespeare doesn’t entitle us to feel pride in his works.

To an extent,this could be dismissed as unnecessary focus on semantics,a pedant’s nit-picking. It’s worth remembering,though,the power of words and their nuances,especially given the appeals to your pride to save Britain from,variously,asylum seekers, “libertarians” (and indeed liberals),the BBC and single mothers. It’s a deft tactic:genuine pride is a rare and very special emotion.

Which,of course,is all the more reason why you shouldn’t squander it on empty political rhetoric with little foundation in your own life.

Alex Macpherson

One Trick Pony

Amber Duval Amber Duval

Gunning for your brown wings?

Don’t even

hesitate.But be prepared for repercussions...

Evil forces of propaganda would have us believe that experiments with anal sex will result in total loss of muscle control,and we all know where this leads.

This may be true; who knows,I’m not a doctor. But the key is,as ever,giving it a go,in case it is the most amazing sexual experience you ever have. Can you live with the knowledge you might be missing out?

Most ladies I know deny any possibility that they would ever try anal (I believe about twenty per cent of them). Perhaps it is the last taboo? But then,it probably lost this controversy when it was addressed in popular rom-com Bridget Jones’Diary Maybe now could be the era of anal, when people cast off their inhibitions and try something new?

What the art of anal lacks is a bit of real gusto; enthusiastic,consenting couples going the whole hog. Buy the

lube,work your way up to full penetration for girls,then throw caution to the wind and do unto your significant other as he (or she) has just done unto you. "Not my bag!" you say? How do you know until you try? If you have a good crack at it you could encounter new realms of pleasure. I say ‘could’. Alternatively it ‘could’ hurt like fuck. But at least you’ll know.

Some of you may be too embarrassed to address the issue with your partner. If subtly leaving this article open in front of them all the time doesn’t work,try a new tack,as suggested by a fiendish friend of mine. Procure a young man from a Union event and engage in one night stand anal sex. If he’s drunk enough he’ll be too shocked to argue and you won’t need awkward conversations about it. The bonus is this: we’ve decided it’s officially not cheating if it’s anal. And if your boyfriend argues,your defence is clearly that you didn’t know it wasn’t him behind you!

The collection of random farce known as One Trick Pony (OTP) is maintained by: James Anthony and Janine Jones

Hello there. Astute readers may recall that "Tat" used to be here. But the godfather of evolution Erasmus Darwin (Yeah,Charles’ grandaddy), said to us one day over a glass of Port:

Erasmus: "You know,you two could do better than that. Let it develop into something better."

OTP: "Like,erm… ‘evolve’,you mean?"

Erasmus: "Yeeees… (sips port) I like that… ‘evolve’ - I think I might use that one. Do you mind?"

OTP: "Not at all."

Darwin seemed preoccupied at this point,and I was able to use the opportunity to steal some of his coasters from the table. He remained engrossed in his musings.

Anyway,to cut a long story short,I was ejected forcefully shortly after this occurred. There was an incident. Mistakes were made. There was some disagreement over extinction being related to the absence of opposable thumbs. Or perhaps I brought up religion. I forget.

But we did the pages anyway. Here it is. We like to call it One Trick Pony,so that’s what you have to call it too.

ZAC CHILDS

Teeny Houdini Zac (three years old) escaped from his Happy Hands playgroup in Holmer, Herefordshire,through an unlocked gate. He proceeded to saunter all the way home on his tod. This involved negotiating perils like two busy A roads. Zac’s mum says he is "devoid of road sense" – he’s three,love,he’s only just stopped soiling himself on impulse; I don’t expect he knows his green cross code. Good on you,son,though. I hated school too.

Tosser

RIO FERDINAND

Oh Rio,you spoilt little boy. We know the reason you didn’t turn up for that drugs test – doing lines off some hooker’s tits in Spearmint Rhino most likely. Rules are rules,me old china plate. Did you honestly think that the system doesn’t apply to you? Page three girlfriend,car that I would climb over my grandmother to own (which you insist on driving drunk,you stupid prick) and £50,000 a week… you can’t have everything your own way,and neither you nor your infantile team-mates throwing a hissy fit is gonna save you.

One Trick Pony: enquiries@onetrick.co.uk

Popping up in the most unlikely places,this little fella is fast becoming the unofficial mascot of studentland. If you’ve spotted Cui Cui about on your travels,send us a picture; we’ll be giving out a prize for the best one – the weirder the better! It’s like Where’s Wally but,like,young and edgy. CuiCui@onetrick.co.uk

Show us your tats

Every fortnight,OTP will showcase your body art on these very pages. Just to get you started, here’s one of mine. This lower-back piece took about an hour and a quarter,and was done by Cory @ Tattoo ‘U’ on Whitchurch Road. Send in your photos, along with your name,location (on your body,duh) and the artist’s name,to: iaminked@onetrick.co.uk

Louise

Photographers! We need you!

A triple invitation to get involved in all things photographic:

The Photography Society have their first meeting on Thursday October 23 from 7pm in the Nelson Mandela Room (Union, fourth floor). This year they will be holding tons of socials and running competitions; email hampsonrc@cf.ac.uk for details of membership.

The Union photographer is looking for people interested in getting paid to take pictures for the Union. This could include gigs,events (like Rubber Duck) and official functions; email jonesjh@cf.ac.uk to find out more.

Choose your own adventure...

Where the fuck is this comic going? We sure as hell dont know. Tell us. It’s a start,but if it is to continue,it must be at least as funny as a duck trapped in a bag,and ideally as funny as a troupe of monkeys with big red asses. Email: louise@onetrick.co.uk

gair rhydd would also like to chip in at this point to say that they are always on the lookout for bright new photographic talent. If you are interested get in touch with Ana or Gemma on grphotography@cf.ac.uk and they’ll sort you out.

“Ratatouille is Welsh, innit?” Culinarily

confused student on the origins of French casserole

“(America is) like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can hurt” Johnny “I live in France, but it’s not ‘cos I don’t like America” Depp

The history of sex according to One Trick Pony

Every generation claims they invented sex – like your grandma didn’t give head, right? In truth,homosexuality,adultery,foreplay and fetish have been kicking around since man first noticed his testicles. So,if you are genuinely interested,or just looking for inspiration,here is a brief history of medieval affairs: of sex and sin... by Ellie Mitten and Beth Reeves

Sex and marriage

Inevitably,the Church considered sex before marriage a sin. Sexual laws were disregarded – it wasn’t unusual for couples to bring their kids to their wedding. People would shag anywhere (up a tree,behind the bike shed… you get the idea),they just didn’t tell God. Even once married,sinless sex didn’t become any easier for lovers. Handbooks of penance were published for badly behaved boys and girls who wished to reconcile with the Lord. These set out the sexual activities that offended Him,including enjoying sex,sex that was not aimed at baby-making and unscheduled sex. Believe it or not,there were allotted times for abstinence menstruation, pregnancy,lactation,Sundays,Wednesdays,Fridays,Saturdays,Lent,Advent, Easter,other feasts,and,naturally,your wedding night. At one point,there were 273 (count ‘em) days of the year when married couples officially couldn’t have sex…

Sexual offences and punishments

When caught,punishments were liable to be hefty…

A Christian who had sex with a Jew and couldn’t pay the £1,000 fine,would face being burnt alive (fair enough then). Guys could do whatever they wanted with girls under 10 (TEN!) and only get a fine as long as they didn’t actually "penetrate" her. Cheating was considered worse than rape – all a woman had to do to be accused of infidelity was be alone with a man. Sex should not be from behind in the "manner of dogs" [Spoilsports! - Amber Duval]. Women were not allowed on top,as it undermined male authority. Onanism (that’s wanking) was considered the tamest sexual offence (but that’s because the dudes who made up the rules weren’t getting anything else).

Same sex desire

By 1200,male/male relationships were a capital offence. The Livre de Justice et de Pelt declared "those who are proved to be sodomites shall lose their [testicles]. And if he should do it a second time,he will lose his member. And if he do it a third time he must be burned." A guy called Theodore wrote,"Let him who puts semen in the mouth do penance for seven years". However,we have a long and proud tradition of bum sex in this country and people largely ignored the rules.

Girl on girl relationships confused the hell out of the church; it definitely didn’t approve but couldn’t quite work out the mechanics. One bishop talks about women engaging in ‘ham-fencing’ (I’m a little confused – maybe the less naïve of you still use this phrase? If so,drop us a line to explain,will you?Cheers).

Another guy called Hincmar splutters "it is said that they use instruments of diabolical operations to excite desire" (dildos to you and me). Severity of punishment relates to how much a woman took on the role of the man. Take Katherine Hetzeldorfein for example. This inventive lass constructed herself a strap-on out of leather,cotton and wood. Wearing it,she seduced many an innocent girl (including her sister). Her lovers claimed that they didn’t know she was a woman (eh?),so were merely banished from the city,whereas poor Kath was drowned.

Porn and alcohol

Often in medieval literature,men fall in love with the woman that gave them a drink – primitive beer-goggles? 10% of illegitimate kids were conceived whilst inebriated. Also vaguely familiar is the account of the Essex judge whose courtship ended when he vomited in his lady’s lap.

Medieval pornography is tame by today’s standards,mostly in the form of crude songs and poems; for example references to a piece of medieval parchment depicting the rape of fair maidens. The offending passage is allegedly decorated with spunk. Tasteful.

Sexiest student (in

dire straits)

Well,our cameras were out for the Freshers’ Ball, but to be blunt we were disappointed.

Take this golden opportunity to see your face (or other body parts) emblazoned across these fine pages and send us a picor come up to the gair rhydd office if you think you or a friend might qualify as Cardiff University’s sexiest student. As tempting as it is to run a fortnightly feature of gair rhydd’s sexiest writers,we don’t want all of the photos to be of us. This is your last warning before OTP get our kit off and the digi-cam out. For the sake of your beautiful eyes,send in the pics! sexiest@onetrick.co.uk

The big O:is it really worth faking evidence of the ultimate payoff of love-making? Under any circustances? Keep your gloves up, and let’s have a good clean fight...

For:Lea HesseldalAgainst:Chris White Faking it

Is it OK to fake an orgasm? Women have been doing it for years,and lately boys have been admitting to the crime as well. A recent international survey in a European magazine claims that British lads that are most likely to fake orgasms. So,it’s a natural part of sex and in some situations it may be your only option. What’s the problem?

Faking can be seen as taboo. Whilst you might mention a great night in the sack to your friends,it’s a matter of pride – you rarely hear "Oh,I had a horrible experience last night and had to fake it!" But why not? If you’re a girl,it could save you from having a guy uncomfortably trying to please you for two hours when you would rather read a good book. And your man would probably rather avoid the drunken marathon on top of a kebab and a long night in the pub – all you have to do is fake it and you can roll over and go to sleep after 15 minutes. Now,some men argue that it is unfair – they can’t fake it because of missing ‘evidence’. But hey,it takes a rare situation for a women to double check. It’s not like we save it for a rainy day,after all. If you are with a woman with less than tangible talents,this might just save your bacon.

Faking it spares a lot of feelings. Imagine you believe you have just given your partner the time of their life,shown them some of your best moves,and they say "That really didn’t do it for me" before turning over and falling asleep. Surely it is better to fake it,and both go to sleep with a sweet smile on your lips. Faking it saves a lot of sleepless nights.

There is also plenty of fun to be had with faking. It can provide considerable secret amusement for you (and your partner,if you let him/her in on the joke). Loud howls at your housemates (and neighbours) expense for example. And guys,don’t forget the age-old trick: "The Houdini",or perhaps more topically,"The Blaine". This involves doing a girl doggy-style,waiting until you are on the verge of coming,and faking an orgasm. Add to the effect by spitting on her back at the end of your grunts of pleasure. When your special lady turns her head around to look at you lovingly, blow your load (for real) in her eye. Endless fun (OK,this bit was written by the editors - so don’t blame Lea).

At the end of the day faking can be seen as an innocent little trick,which can help you out of embarrassing situations and over the course of your lifetime save you hours of pretending (in favour of a few seconds). Last but not least it can be used to please your partner,making them feel good and isn’t that what it is all about? So if you are new to faking it,just do it!

I’d like to start this argument with an admission that any woman that even attempted to fake an orgasm with me would seriously have her work cut out. Blink and you’ll miss it. Sex is,after all,a race. So I could try to argue that faking orgasms is cheating and the authorities could order a lifetime ban in all competitions. But that would be bollocks,so I won’t bother. I do,however,have some genuine arguments.

My first argument is a simple one – it looks fucking stupid. It’s an undisputable fact that there are only two things in the world that look more incredibly ridiculous than a person in the throes of carnal ecstasy. One of those is a person pretending to be in the throes of carnal ecstasy. (The other is the look on the face of a constipated man as he tries to crimp off one of Bungle’s fingers,but few people ever see this and it’s not really relevant.) Don’t believe me? Girls,check out When Harry Met Sally (I think that’s the film I’m thinking of,it’s all mindless pap anyway). Guys, check out anything from your huge stack of computer porn, except possibly the midget stuff. Women pretending to enjoy having a cock the size of a fire extinguisher rammed up their arse – hilarious. Probably degrading for them,but hilarious nonetheless. Look bored or stupid – your choice.

Argument two: what’s the point? Honestly? If you’re having a one night stand or casual sex,then he/she/it (you never know) probably isn’t hugely bothered how much fun you’re having,so why make that person think you’re enjoying that particular two-minute fumble more than you actually are. Men,in general,when ‘shaking hands with the unemployed’ don’t ask their right hand if it was good for them. Much the same applies inside a proper relationship,whatever that means. If your partner thinks you’re having a much better time than you actually are then they’ll never learn and improve their technique. I haven’t yet heard the ‘for’ argument,but I’m confident that part of it includes some crap about not hurting people’s feelings. Rubbish. Before you know it,you’ve turned into Harry Enfield’s arguing couple sketch – you’re twenty years down the line and telling your partner “You’ve never made me come”. That’s the real ego-crusher,not “Sorry,that was shit”,one night in your teens or twenties.

Aside from anything else,it’s dishonest. I have a pathological hatred of liars,personally. So,guys,next time you’ve had twelve pints of Strongbow and find yourself unable to finish what you started,don’t roll over and falsely proclaim “I came,what’s your problem?” and go to sleep. Slur something about being much too pissed,and then roll over and go to sleep.

French culture uncovered

This fortnight’s been tough for Quench’s “embedded reporter” Andrew Davidson.If by tough you mean a free bar all night long and unlimited French crockery

The last few weeks have demonstrated that all too often in France,luck has a habit of going from one extreme to the other. My experience of last Wednesday makes for a wonderful case in point.

I had been struggling through an intense two-hour lecture ( immigration et intégration en Europe - I am studying part-time,and entirely unofficially,at the university school of human sciences) and decided to have lunch with a fellow student, David,a German soon-tobe diplomat. After munching through a mountain salade verte ,we headed into town to try yet again to obtain our respective cartes de séjour (obligatory residency permits) from the hôtel de ville - don’t try to book a room,it’s the administrative city hall. With little success caused by pointless bureaucracy,we departed empty-handed in search of a mug shop – I have been drinking out of plastic cups in an unfurnished flat for two weeks too long.

Once kitted out with enormous drinking vessels,we returned chez moi for a brew. On arrival at my apartment,I found the electricity had been cut off thanks to the former tenant’s unpaid bill of £800. Thus,we couldn’t make tea. With a swiftly defrosting fridge in the background,I called the electricity company and was politely put on hold to the tune of Beethoven’s fifth. Eventually,my call was answered and a few hours later a handyman

came around to re-connect the power. "Great! Let’s get busy with the teabags," I thought. David then dropped the bag of newly acquired crockery,the clumsy muppet. Nice one.

With tongue in cheek,the butterfingered buffoon returned to the shop,handed the bag of rubble over the counter and related our bad fortunes to the proprietaire . In quintessential French generosity,we had the ceramic items replaced gratuitement . Back then to mine to try yet again for a cuppa.

This time,we were prevented from consuming the desired beverage by the lock on my front door brutally refusing to open and my snapping the dastardly weak key whilst frantically trying to wrestle open the door. And so on.

By the end of the day,similar events had likewise unfolded,leaving me with little motivation for the evening other than drowning the whole nightmare in a gallon of

Ricard. Recounting the day’s histoire to Franke,the ever-patient barman, David and I were treated to umpteen drinks at the pleasure of said licensee.

Now that’s a turn-up for the books,if ever such a thing existed. ‘Free’ is my favourite four letter word beginning with ‘f’,especially when used to prefix ‘drinks’.

Drown your sorrows with Ricard

Good souls

Before

charming the

Y-fronts off the Union,James Walsh of

the

stupendous Starsailor talked to Jamie Fullerton

Starsailor aren’t known for being the wildest of bands. So what’s lead singer James Walsh’s crazy chronicle to keep us interested? "Phil Spector was in the studio with us,we had this picture of Danton the engineer and Phil sat together on the computer,we kept swapping their heads round while he was busy working at the desk,he was like “show me that,show me that” and we showed it ‘im and there was a picture of two mutant Phil Spectors… he’s like,“how you do that?”

It wouldn’t quite make Jackass, would it? So nothing going on there then,but far from the deceptive media play employed by so many of today’s guitar darlings,James is quick to deflect questions regarding why,in a year when pimply New Yorkers and ageing cock-rockers are the toast of the tabloids,anyone cares about Starsailor

anymore? "We always just do what we do and stay true to our roots,follow our hearts and passion and not try and pander to the critics too much." Sounds like another band copping out with the dusty cliché of ‘letting the music do the talking’.

If that’s the case though,then Starsailor are eloquent speakers; tonight they stir the souls ofa grimy hall of mesmerised adorers with epic songcrafting that transcends the efforts of their British guitar toting peers with ease. Alcoholic, Music Was Saved, Good Souls; all as genuinely epic as a three-hour flick about hobbits. And then there’s new album Silence Is Easy,all sparkling melody and boiling over with ambition.

"I think the ultimate achievement that all bands want to come away with is to get an album in one of those top hundred records of all time. I think

we’re getting there,that’s what we’re working up to. I’d be bold enough to say that Silence Is Easy will be one of the best records of 2003,but as far as throughout history,I wouldn’t be that arrogant."

He doesn’t need to be. When your efforts result in legendary producer Phil Spector announcing he’s working on your next album it’s obvious that all Starsailor need to keep doing is capturing the songs they pour straight out of their heads. Even Spector himself couldn’t shake them out of that habit:

"He just wanted to take the songs into a completely different direction, some of the rhythms and ideas for arrangements he had were the opposite to what we were going for… it caused conflict… not really arguments ‘cos for the first week he was a really amazing motivator and an exciting person to work with. It was when he came back from America,I don’t know what happened over there but… he was distant and indifferent to things really. Our philosophy for this album was to keep everything as synced and direct as possible,and he was asking us to extend bits everywhere,we wanna get things down in three minutes."

And if you can afford to pass off the advice of Phil Spector and still end up with one of the best albums of the year,who the hell is going to argue with you?

Irish in America

My Left Foot director Jim Sheridan sheds some light on his latest film to Donald Sinclair-Smith

The man behind such successful films as My Left Foot and In The Name Of The Father has a new film out called In America. The film follows the immigration of a young Irish family to New York and their struggle to cope with poverty and the death of their young son. Irish director Jim Sheridan talks about his new semi-autobiographical offering.

How did you find the kids?

[The film has brilliant performances from two young, first time actresses]

“I got hot, stole the air-conditioner... blew the fuse.I tried to win a dog...but I lost”

Jim Sheridan

I watched My Left Foot last night, having not seen it for ages: awesome. Many people call you the ‘Godfather’ of Irish film. Do you feel under pressure because of all the success you have had?

I’m proud of it. I’m happy about that. Like you,I hadn’t seen My Left Foot for years,I think it has an awesome performance by Daniel [DayLewis].

In America is a lot more modern,a lot lighter than your past work. My Left Foot had its light bits but was not at all sentimental,yet this is. The difficulty is with the subject matter - although My Left Foot is deceptive because you have the central character who [has] cerebral palsy and all that. But this one has a dead child at the centre of it,so... it almost demands,I wouldn’t say sentimentality,but it demands something lighter. Otherwise you would crush the audience’s spirit.

The weird thing was I went in to audition thirty kids and I saw Emma [Bolger, who plays Ariel] and I immediately gave her the script and she was brilliant. I thought she was going to be too good - she was going to be like an American kid. So I went and asked another kid to read and Emma pulled my jacket from behind. So,I turned around and she was looking at me with pity and she said,“Is she reading my part?” And I looked at her for a long time,thinking,how can I explain to a kid... and then I thought,“No I can’t,I have to tell her the truth.” So I kind of looked at her and looked at her and said, “No,nobody’s reading your part,it’s yours.”

Are there any parts of the film that literally happened to you?

Yes. I came across the Canadian border in a car,couldn’t get an apartment...

Without a visa?

No visa,illegal. I got hot,I stole the air-conditioner. I didn’t have enough for a plug,I blew the fuse. I tried to win a dog [toy] but I lost [a fairground scene in the film] . The film has quite an idealistic view of America. Do you feel comfortable with their political system at the moment?

I don’t feel comfortable about what is happening in the world, no. There is a lot of negativity

against America out there but it is not the kind of film that is engaging the politicos so it is kind of hard to say.

You are famous for making gritty films and this is a departure. Are you running a risk there? I suppose so. But I don’t think in terms of risk. I kind of think in terms of “fuck it,I’ll just do it and see what happens next,” y’know? I don’t really worry too much,emotionally anyway…

An unabridged version of this interview appears at film-soc.com,where you can read Jim’s views on Elvis’dead twin,James Joyce and his advice for young film makers.

Some guidelines to get a fair deal in your rented accommodation:

Insist on a written inventory. Get any promises of repairs in writing,and take photos if necessary. Sign and date meter readings with your landlord

Demand a copy of the Gas Appliance Safety Certificate

Try not to trash the place. If you are ‘jointly’ liable then the landlord can withhold your bond,even if it was your flatmate who broke the window

If you still run into problems,publicity is a powerful tool. Sarah partly attributes the success of her case to consumer affairs programme The Ferret,who followed the story. So write to the paper,the local MP,HTV,or whatever gets your story heard

Making a claim in court can be a time consuming process but can also be worth it. Fight for two things – the money which is rightfully yours,and the right not to be ripped off

Shelter are currently lobbying MPs for legislation to stop landlords withholding deposits and bonds which should be returned to tenants. They need your support so visit their website on www.shelter.org to help them help you

Better housing on the horizon?

Ruth Dickinson examines the shoddy dealings of landlords, and a student who resists them

Moving out of halls and into a house,or just from one house to another,is a stressful business –will my housemates end up killing each other,is it within crawling distance of the Taf,who gets the big room,etc? Much as these things can be problems,though,there are bigger issues at stake. Dodgy landlords and housing agencies will let you move into virtually inhabitable properties,ignore your repair requests and even withhold your bonds.

Sarah Butler,21,is a Cardiff student who,along with six friends,rented 16 Colum Road through Horizon Properties in 2001-02. When the students arrived in September,they found the carpets filthy,mouse droppings and rotting food in the kitchen,

damp mould in the bathrooms,defective electrical fittings and doors that would not close.

Despite phone calls and complaints,Horizon,situated just opposite the Union on Senghennydd Road, never sorted the place out. They did not even come round at the end of the tenancy to inspect the house with the students before they left. When the students asked for their bonds back at the end of the year,Victoria Al-Khafaji, who runs Horizon Properties,hung the phone up on them. Meanwhile,letters went unanswered.

Sarah took out a small claims court action against Horizon and recently secured a settlement in excess of £700. Her six ex-flatmates are still fighting to get their bonds back. In total,Horizon would have retained

“They just assume that you’re not going to bother chasing up your bond”

Sarah Butler

£1,500 in unreturned bonds from this house alone. If they practiced this with all 30 houses the owners would gain up to £45,000 per year of money that rightfully belongs to the tenants. Sarah’s advice to anyone in the same situation? “It is worth fighting. It might seem like a hassle but it’s so important. They just assume that you’re not going to bother chasing up your bond and that they can get away with it. Take steps to avoid the situation and if you do have problems then fight!”

Global shame continues

Stephen Fishbourne considers how the west is still failing to live up to its moral obligations

The issue of world trade is a notoriously complicated and, on the surface,a boring,one. But once you wade through the jargon you have to appreciate the sheer awfulness of the current situation. Most people think that we help the developing world as much as we can through aid but the unacceptable reality is that,due to unfair trade,we take twice as much from developing countries as we give.

We are all part of the process of world trade and the money we pay every year,whether we are aware of it or not,has an enormous influence on the lives of the 2.7 billion people around the world who live on less than $2 a day.

Last month,between September 10 and 14,delegates from around the

Trade Organisation.

The aim of this meeting was to try to reorganise how trade operates on a global scale,in a way that would benefit the world’s poorest people. The World Bank estimates that such a reorganisation could lift 144 million people out of poverty.

One of the main reasons why so many people remain in poverty unnecessarily,and how the west manages to take from developing countries more than it gives,is the west’s hypocritical attitude towards free trade.

The EU and US advocate free trade while at the same time operating agricultural subsidies and an import tax system which penalise developing countries and benefit each other.

The result of these measures is that,while forty percent of the world’s

from trade.

There are two main ways in which this inequality is maintained:

1.Import taxes

The EU and US control an import tax system that means rich nations benefit far more when exporting to the west than developing nations.

For example,due to the structure of import taxes,it is twenty times more profitable to be a British manufacturer exporting shirts to the US than it is to be a Bangladeshi manufacturer.

2.Agricultural subsidies

This is where rich governments pay money,a staggering $1 billion a day in total,to their farmers for producing

This injection of cash into western farming, six times what is given in aid to the poor,creates large surpluses of food and other agricultural goods which are then sold,at less than cost price,to developing world.

The result of this is that the farmers in the developing countries are unable to compete and go out of business,

further into poverty. The way the subsi-

seven per cent of US farms received fifty per cent of the total and unfair taxes are directly responsible for much of the world’s poverty and addressing these issues was top of the agenda for the representatives of developing countries in Cancun.

However when,after three days of talks,a draft text was produced it served only to intensify the polarisation between rich and poor nations.

The text ignored the demands and needs of the developing countries and

In the aftermath of the talks much criticism has been levelled at the EU and the US for their intransigence in dealing with the grievances of the developing world. They have been attacked for derailing the talks in order to concentrate on their own issues and for being unwilling to go against the powerful western farm lobbies who benefit from current agricultural subsidies.

The refusal of the west to agree to an active plan for phasing out the agricultural subsidies which cripple farmers in the developing world has been interpreted as an expression of ‘callous indifference’. A bleak message to the world’s poor.

The failure of the Cancun talks is a setback for the billions of people around the world living in poverty. The subsidies are still in place and the west’s hypocrisy over world trade continues.

There are,however,a few glimmers of hope: one is a deal,agreed before the conference,which allows developing countries access to cheaper drugs,a vital weapon in the battle against disease.

But by far the most positive outcome was the ability of the developing nations to form themselves into a bloc capable of standing up to the US and EU.

This fact has lead to the collapse of the talks being seen by many in the developing world as a victory and this new,powerful,third world solidarity could help push for a ‘new equilibrium’ between rich and poor countries.

Despite the positive stance taken

Cardiff Trade Justice is hosting an evening of talks by several people who attended the WTO talks in Cancun.

They will take place in the Cardiff Temple of Peace at 7pm on October 27.The evening includes free Mexican food and later there is music and a bar.

the collapse of the talks will cause the US and EU to move away from the worldwide,multilateral trade deals of the world’s trade organisations in favour of bilateral deals with individual countries.

This would be extremely damaging to developing countries as,while they were able to stand up to the rich nations in the Cancun talks due to strength of numbers,they are unlikely to be as successful in one-to-one negotiations.

This would result in terms which, again,favour the rich at the expense of the poor.

To guard against this a way must be found to revive the process of multilateral negotiations and address the hideous inequalities that exist due to current trading practices,giving a fair deal to manufacturers in developing countries.

What is needed is a dramatic reduction in western agricultural subsidies and a levelling out of import taxes.

These changes need to be implemented on a global scale as descent into a collection of bilateral agreements would only worsen the plight of

You are not alone

Stressed? Need a pizza? Sarah Rhodes tells how Nightline can offer you a helping hand

For many people,university years will be the ones that ultimately shape them as a person. There is no time in your life when you can experience freedom,opportunities,and be able to mix with such diverse people. They promise to be some of the best days of our lives. Many people will offer perspectives and comments on what to expect,but little can prepare you for what your personal experience will be like. There are all the typical ‘birds’,‘beer’,‘clubs’,comments. There are the parental and peer expectations to do well at things. There is pressure from the university to justify their choice of you. You have the opportunity to completely reinvent yourself,and live a life that you have always wished to.

The potential is endless,but overwhelming. Any one of these numerous pressures can unite to change this wonderful experience into something difficult to cope with. For some students,this will only be a temporary thing,but for others,university life never proves to be what it promised. The isolation can be enough to convince them to leave university entirely. It is for these situations that Cardiff

University’s Nightline exists. Since 1971,it has formed an essential part of student welfare. Despite this,many students are still uncertain what it has to offer. With a great emphasis on anonymity,it is not difficult to see why. Nightline is first and foremost a student organisation: run by students for students. It offers a telephone listening,referral and support service, and other services. The volunteers are not trained counsellors and do not offer advice,but do provide a friendly non-judgemental,anonymous and above all sympathetic ear. They are there to listen to whatever you wish to talk about. If it is important to you,it will be important to them: as they are students,they know the kind of situations you will be experiencing. However,you do not just have to have a problem to phone Nightline. Nightline serves as an information service,as volunteers have access to a vast range of resources,including general information such as cinema and train times. If you fancy a kebab or curry,Nightline has a vast range of takeaway menus and can point you in the right direction! To help your academic life,volunteers have copies of university timetables so can inform

you where and when your exam is. For directory enquiries,Nightline is actually cheaper than BT and other such services,as it is charged at a local rate.

It also operates a drop-in service to the house at 148 Colum Road during the 8am–8pm opening hours. The service is not available all nights,but when it is it provides the opportunity to talk to someone face to face. As well as this, Nightline also offers free condoms.

Nightline is not just a service to be utilised,it is also something students can get involved in. It is a rewarding experience. A duty is a full 12 hours (8pm-8am),but you are not required to remain awake for all this time,as we have beds in the house! It is a good way to meet new people - many of the volunteers are now firm friends. Also,volunteering for Nightline looks fantastic on a CV. Rest assured,there are things to do in the house – there are games,a TV,and a deal with Dominos Pizza which offers volunteers 50% off food.

Whilst many student societies and clubs are demanding on your time, Nightline is actually something which need not take up a vast amount. After undertaking an initial training period of 15 hours,you are then expected to do a minimum of around two to three duties a term. Training compromises various different sessions,and often features outside speakers from the counselling service and the Samaritans.

If you are interested in getting involved with Nightline or have any further questions you can contact Nightline at line@cf.ac.uk.

Nightline is open 8pm–8am as many nights as possible during term time. Phone 02920 223993,or drop into the house at 148 Colum Road.

Pump up the volume!

It’s all about texture and volume this season, writes LisaWalkley

Big hair is always sexy and this season is no different. The volume trend is taken from the 60s,the decade of real big hair,but adapted to a new generation of femininity. No,I’m not telling you to spend hours backcombing your hair into a beehive! It’s about achieving a voluminous look which is both feminine but has strong modernity throughout.

Tips for achieving this look:

1. Ask your hairdresser to give you plenty of movement,which can be tamed to create volume with big curlers at the roots.

2. Apply a volumising mousse to your roots,then blow dry with a round brush for that extra boost.

3. Don’t put too many products in your hair as these weigh the hair down and won’t allow much height.

For the boys

So,the guys love shopping too! Research just out says that you are part of a “new generation of untapped shoppers”. The male hair care industry was once seen as a taboo subject,but we are seeing a huge turnaround. Men are slowly becoming used to trawling the shelves for the best hair care products to create the look they want. Colour is

being used to accessorise the overall look,most commonly with slices of blonde through the hair.

Quench men’s hairstyle:

A style is emerging as the ‘out of bed look’. If you think that this just means dragging yourself out of bed when the alarm goes off and going straight to lectures without a thought about your hair,you’re both right and wrong! The ironic thing is that there’s nothing natural about this natural look: it requires lots of playing around until the messy look is achieved.

Style Surgery

Dear Quench, I have been going out a lot recently, obviously because its the start of term. I’m loving it but my skin is feeling the effects of too much alcoholhelp!

Well,it may be a scary word but the best way to look and feel better is to detox. No,we don’t mean spending months at fave celeb hangout,The Priory,but making a few simple changes to your eating and drinking habits; you’ll be back to normal in no time! Detoxing involves a programme of relaxing and eating and drinking the right stuff to restore the balance within the body,ideally over a period of about two to three days.

Some main pointers are obviously to cut down the alcohol. Hard we know,but it’ll help. Another is to drink as much water as you can. Realistically,try to drink eight glasses of water to hydrate you from the inside. Also,fruits such as apricots, mangos,melons and red grapes are recommended as well as vegetables like peppers,broccoli and sprouts. Your body will love you for it.

Trainers: Cult Cool

In the last thirty years trainers havebreeched the limitations of functional footwear and entered the world of ‘urban cool’. Now an integral part of street culture in the UK,the ‘sneaker’ is the epitome of style.

1905 saw the birth of the ‘Gola’ when the first pair of hand made football boots was conceived in a small workshop in England. From these small beginnings Gola has developed into a high profile brand with worldwide recognition. Today,as well as being popular with all ‘old skool’ retro trainer fans and indie kids alike,Gola is also a major player in the fashion industry. So get down to Schuh,Buzz and even Topshop to pick up a pair and become Arthur Fonzarelli ‘cult coool’. Lyndsay Davies

Quench beauty tip: For perfect peepers on a student’s budget,place those dry,clogged up, aging mascaras in a bowl or sink of warm water. This will help to thin them out and make them last longer!

Blokes - read and take heed, suggests Debbie Green Fashion Learning curves

Icaught a male friend (he shall remain nameless) who intended to go out on the town in a stripy shirt. This would normally be perfectably acceptable. However,he was teaming it with a stripy tie,a look which does not work under any circumstance. Everyone makes mistakes,but this was the final straw:I decided that men should be educated on some basic,yet unbreakable rules of fashion.

Puffa jackets It may be getting cold but trust me,there are other jackets out there which keep you warm and do not make you look like a complete twat.

Gold sovereign rings OK I know that these are expensive,but honey,they don’t impress me much! They look cheap and tacky; please use your money on something more worthwhile.

Pink One that most of you seem to be fully aware of already. However there are a select few of you poor creatures who still don’t understand that it’s a GIRL’SCOLOUR.

Mixing tracksuits and smart wear

This is more common than you may think. Boys,please make a decisionsmart or casual - and stick to it.

Tucked in shirts “Hi Dad!” OK,I will let you off if you are accompanying it with a blazer.

Full tracksuit wear I have four words for you: on the pitch only!

Speedos Enough said!

OK,so I feel bad now,but hey,us girls have to have an occasional laugh but you know we only have your best interests at heart. Pick up the next issue and you guys can get your revenge.

Did you know... that Versace’s new model Christina Aguilera keeps one stiletto heel bigger than the other for a sexier wiggle. That’s what we call good thinking.

Student Street Style

By Charlotte Howells and Perri Lewis

With so many fantastic shops in the city its no wonder that our students are some of the best dressed around. To show you how chic the cream of Cardiff can be, Quench hung out around the Union last Wednesday and caught up with these fashion conscious freshers.

Top: Melanie Claxton, fresher,psychology

Middle: Sam Tilley,fresher,mechanical engineering

Bottom: Lex Maulkin, fresher,marine biology

In the pink

The Breast Cancer Awareness month is celebrating 18 years of educating women on breast cancer,which is said to affect one in nine women. October is the month to be seen in pink. To show your support get out and purchase a pink ribbon and wear it proudly. However, it’s not only for charity, mate. Whack it on your woollen knits this season with the rest of those vintage brooches to achieve Edwardian chic - or,if you’ve just won the lottery,get yourself a Burberry jacket as they have produced a light pink version of its classic mac at only £710! Bargain.

18 Gay

God save the queen?

By Ian Loynd

Homophobia is a scary thing. It affects all gay men and women and it cannot be avoided. And,while it is unjustifiable in every sense,I wonder if some people bring a little of it upon themselves?

Limp-wristed,sharp-tongued,camp men are annoying. And,what is worse, it seems so unnecessary. Is sexuality something to make a spectacle of? Certainly not if you’re straight,so why the grand act?

Is a gay man naturally disposed to mincing instead of striding? Perhaps lesbians are born with an inherent fear of all things girly? Nature or nurture,I don’t know,but I am certain that I do no want to be tarred with the same (pink and fluffy) brush.

The Graham Nortons of this world polarise people’s view of gay men.

Some take offence to such femininity in a man while others are charmed by it. Does this make our sexuality a source of cheap entertainment? I believe it does. Everybody simply has to have a gay friend. After all,they’re so funny.

A little femininity in a man is important. Nobody likes a macho pig. But let us not forget that we are men and drop the camp act.

“The Graham Norton’s of this world polarise people’s view of gay men”

Homosexuals are the first to accuse their straight counterparts of intolerance and narrow-mindedness yet,conversely, they make no efforts to smooth the path toward acceptance in society. We should all be honest about our sexuality. We should take pride in it. But we should also act as ourselves and

G a y to Z

Amyl nitrate

Bisexuality

not as we think we should behave. Attitudes toward gay men and women evolve continuously. They are based on people we meet,people we hear about and people we see on television. So it is important that we do not ‘play up’ to the commercial image of homosexuality. The hedonistic and superficial perception of the gay lifestyle undermines the depth of our characters.

I am reminded of my old school motto, Esse Quam Videri – be,rather than seem to be.

Canal Street

Gay people and drugs. I used to think the two went hand in hand along with the apartments,jeeps and hedonistic lifestyle. And the whiff of ‘poppers’ – to you and me – certainly isn’t a rarity in gay clubs. Sniffed through the nose or inhaled through the mouth,poppers dilate your arteries allowing a rush of blood to cascade through your body. This causes 30 seconds to a minute of light headedness and a physical feeling of relaxation. But be warned,there are big risks,especially when combining poppers with alcohol or any physiological illness. Your heart rate will increase dramatically which may have devastating effects. If your body is your temple,stay well clear.

If Freud is anything to go by,we’re all bisexual whether we admit to it or not. Straight or gay,you’re just at one end of a colourful sexual spectrum. But aren’t bisexuals sitting on the fence? Perhaps it is a ploy to make themselves a little more interesting or deny their true sexual feelings? If a passing thought about your mate in his footy shorts is enough to call a ‘gay thought’ then I guess we’re all bi. There is also a certain romanticism about bisexuality as you fall in love with a person regardless of their sex. At the end of the day,if you fancy a dabble, why not?

a b c

When the canals of Manchester fell into disrepair, Canal Street’s dark doorways became a hive of sordid sexual activity for prostitutes and gay men alike. However,as the first few gay pubs and clubs began to open,an influx of new business transformed the street into a thriving gay community,the envy of the city. Then along came Queer As Folk, Channel Four’s radical drama series, launching Canal Street (and its frankly genius nickname - take the first letters off each word,and see what you get) into national fame. Now it’s full of hen parties convinced they can ‘turn’ us all. Shame.

Beer here now

Welcome to another travel section and the first of our top ten lists of the year. We kick off this week with an old acquaintance of yours,the odd alcoholic beverage. If any of you are diehard enough to extend your,ahem,university education beyond the limits of an overdraft and personal hygiene then a glance at these destinations will have you drooling over an armpit equipped barmaid within the time it takes to work out a Parkinson documentary.

By Ben Wright Travel Correspondent

1. Munich

During the beer festival Oktoberfest, Munich is a beer Mecca. Breweries include the aptly named Spaten Munchner Hell,and your hangover will indeed seem like hell. The prices are reasonable and there are endless pubs and beer gardens.

2. Newcastle

Newcastle is possibly the beer capital of the UK. Prices are cheap: the average student pint is a mere £1.20. The best places for getting sozzled in the ‘toon’ are the quayside and the infamous Bigg Market. Be warned - the latter is not for the faint hearted (or livered),with over 20 pubs in one small area.

3. Dublin

As in Newcastle,the local beer is so much better on home turf. Even those who find Guinness nauseating happily sup a pint in Dublin. If you want traditional Dublin pubs,it’s

best to avoid the pubs in Temple Bar as they mostly cater for tourists.

4. Prague

The Czech Republic is becoming more and more popular with students these days,offering cheap beer,cigarettes and accomodation. The beers to look out for are Budvar (which comes in a standard 500ml size bottle!) and Pilsen Urquell.

5. Amsterdam

8. Ljubljana

Not the most likely of candidates, but Slovenia’s capital is magnificent. Beer prices are incredibly cheap and the local beers Lasko Pivo and Zlatorog are damn fine. The other great aspect of this Baltic region is that it’s not inundated with tourists (yet.)

9. London

London has so many pubs and bars that if you visited one every day,it would take you more than three years to get through them all. The reason that London is so low down on this list is the steep prices. Don’t expect much change from three quid for a pint.

Holland’s capital is famed for its ‘herbal usage’ - if you fancy a place where to party then Amsterdam is for you. Reasonable beer prices,the sex museum and the nightlife (not necessarily in that order) make it an outstanding place to visit.

6. Barcelona

The Catalan capital is a great student destination because of its gobsmackingly cheap beer and the fact that most bars are open way beyond 2.30am,with clubs only filling up by 3am and finishing at 7am.

7. Cologne

Wahey laddies,that’s a bit o’ work eh? Now what ‘ave I got in me teeth? Marge,Marge? MARGE!

It’s not surprising that there are two German cities in this guide, considering the German idea of ‘drinking ’til the doctor comes’. Cologne has some great pubs and some great beers,such as the Dom Kölsch,that will have your legs wobbly in no time.

10. Brussels

If you have no sense of direction (much like me) then finding your way around with bilingual signposts can prove difficult. The beer, thankfully,is less confusing. Sensible prices and good beers such as Stella Artois and Hoegaarden go down a treat after getting lost.

If you’re thinking of a tipple...

* For a quick getaway,the best place to start looking for cheap flights is the internet. There is now so much competition in the market that as long as you’re not picky you can find a bargain at short notice.

*If you do consider getting inebrieated then go with a friend. That way,you’re more likely to actually find your way back.

*If it’s simply value for money that your after then nothing in Europe beats the old Soviet bloc countries, which provide you with enough beer for your money that by the end you’ll probably think you’re running in the Derby.

Travel

By Tim Clark Travel Editor

Recently Matthew Scott reached headlines,escaping from Colombian kidnappers and trekking for eleven days without food to reach safety

Without his bravery we would never have heard his story. Scott may have been lucky in Colombia,but fate hasn’t been so kind to Christian Velten. Who?

Exactly. Retracing the steps of the first British explorers,he has been missing in west Africa since March. He is but a blip in the local news,read once and then forgotten.

Every year many people go missing, yet never make the headlines. Travelling isn’t safe: if you go missing,you will be forgotten (except for family and friends). Whether you’re an intrepid poacher with the ingenious idea of wearing back-tofront boots then happening to fall down a crevasse (work it out) or simply caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, you have to look after yourself in the great outdoors. We’ve taken a gander at the dangers of travelling. Read on.

By Emma Brealy Travel Correspondent

Widespread global neurosis or understandable fear of the great unknown heightened by media hysteria?

Regardless of which notion you stand by,day by day worldwide travel seems to reveal yet another obstacle for the unwitting global wanderer. Festering beneath those glossy promotional photos are the now innumerable considerations for the modern traveller: vaccinations,threats of sexually transmitted diseases,food poisoning,personal safety hazards,will I be kidnapped? Should I leave ransom with friends or family just in case and if so how much?

Such issues have no doubt caused many to recoil at the idea of the great departure,perhaps wondering why go to Belize when you can see Barry? Thankfully though,other more courageous nomads have continued on in pursuit of the elusive world of the exotic - though not without a few precautionary tales of danger and woe.

The essential considerations really come down to a little street wisdom and a hint of self-preservation. If,for example,you plan to travel to South America you might like to know that Colombia has the highest rate of kidnappings in the world: over 3,000 were reported in 2002 alone. Amnesty International has repeatedly highlighted Colombia’s problems,vehemently denouncing its disgraceful human rights policy,but as of yet civilians and tourists alike are left to fend for themselves in most cases.

Identical situations can be found throughout the world: scams abound, everything is a bargain,drugs seem to be freely on offer. Now,a warning. At the risk of appearing overly cynical,it’s nevertheless a fact that the carabinieri, policia,polize or anyone looking to make a dollar are generally close by,

“Often your month’s travel budget buys a lot of margaritas for someone other than you”

waiting for the unsuspecting tourist to make that fatal naïve step. Sometimes this results in a harmless slap on the wrist,but far more often your whole month’s travel budget buys a lot of margaritas for someone other than you.

It’s easy and perhaps comforting to categorise these perils into avoidable locations. Kidnapping in Colombia,ha! All the hapless traveller has to do is realise his limits. Vigilance on roads, beaches,hotels,remote locations,ski slopes,and other high risk areas is absolutely necessary for the common flip-flopped,tomato-faced tourist.

However,these dangers really beg the question of where and when exactly do you relax? The great globetrotting zigzag will no doubt continue alongside the anxieties for security and well-being, and rightfully so in this current climate.

However,it doesn’t have to the cultural landmine so many shy from. Most travel remains exhilarating and fulfilling as long as travellers have some interest in their own salvation. Remember,it is far more fulfilling to return home, even briefly with intrepid tales,than to be deported - honest.

The dos and don’ts of travel

Travel advice courtesy of Rough Guides’ own Demelza Dallow

Competition

We at Travel have managed to put our blagging hats on and have two sets of the Rough Guide Series to give away,including first-time guides to Latin America, Europe,Asia,and the world. Simply answer this question: What is the name of the donkey above? We named it at roughly 4am in the morning, so dont go for Simon or Ted Heath; if you want a clue then think Hollywood. Send answers to grtravel@cf.ac.uk

* Check the Foreign and Commonwealth Office website (http://www.fco.gov.uk) for up-to-the-minute travel advice and information about your chosen destination.

*Get a good guidebook and find out as much as possible about your chosen destination. Familiarising yourself with the local laws and customs can help lessen the impact of culture shock and will help you avoid causing any unintentional offence.

*Take a phrasebook. Even if you can only manage a few words of the local language your efforts will make an impression on those you meet and will enrich your experience.

*Get the appropriate travel insurance for your trip. If you’re planning on doing any hazardous sports - scuba diving,mountain biking,white water rafting - make sure you’re covered.

*Make sure you have a valid passport and the appropriate visas,if required.

*Find out if you need to take extra health precautions. Check what vaccinations you might need with your local GP or travel clinic at least six weeks before travelling.

*Make sure you’re travel agent is an ABTA member and if flying make sure your holiday package is ATOL protected.

*Make copies of your important documents - passport,insurance policy including 24 hour emergency number and tickets - leave these with friends and family

Travel

21

along with a copy of your proposed itinerary and details of your email address and mobile phone number.

*Take enough money for your trip as well as some back-up funds,eg traveller’s cheques,sterling or US dollars.

*Don’t take a big rucksack if you’re going on a long trip as the bigger it is,the more you will put in it and so the heavier it will be. Remember the old adage: less is more. You should be able to wear your pack for two hours without suffering spinal compression.

*Don’t buy camera film abroad as it’s generally more expensive. Stock up before you leave.

*Don’t just stick to the tourist streets and resorts. Make an effort to meet and spend time with at least one local who is not trying to sell you any goods or services.

*Don’t keep your money and passport in a handbag,daypack,bum bag or wallet. Use a secure travel pouch.

*Don’t expect your government to help if you are caught transporting,using or in possession of an illegal substance abroad as there is almost nothing they can do. [Gutted! - Travel Ed]

And finally,don’t forget to have a good time!

Mafia donkeys: spotted joining the Barry Island massive

Music

Ear candy

Jamie Fullerton bangs on about music for a bit...

Yikes! It’s all been a bit crazy in the world of Quench Music. I guess it all kicked off when our deputy ed screamed at some Union staff for 20 minutes until they would let him into Girls Aloud. Our resident snapper Tim managed to sneak in easily enough though,but no upskirt antics were undertaken. Sort it out, we want a bit of open oyster next time. Then a couple of days later our deputy continued to sample the finest in pop by going to check out Mis-Teeq and Jamelia in the sterile surroundings of St. David’s Hall. We gave Tim another chance to stick his long lens in but once more muff was not forthcoming. I myself was gutted not to be able to make it down to Clwb Ifor to see The Keys,but rest assured their stonking debut album has welded itself to my stereo.

The fact that part of Solus was turned into a kind of makeshift Welcome Break (with that thermal soup dispenser and everything) could only mean one thing. Yes! The Darkness were in Cardiff. Having been warned that my interview with the band would only be with two members I was delighted to find myself sitting at a table in said Welcome Break with all four of the super-spandexed poodle-rockers. And thoroughly nice chaps they were too,especially the one who

looks like a gay porn star. Overheard: The Darkness’ tour manager talking to a photographer requesting a shoot; “We don’t want to take the catsuit out of context.” Keeping the catsuits thoroughly in context the band rocked the Y-fronts off the Great Hall,with support from the increasingly stupendous Webb Brothers who were peddling a quite wonderful range of shirts they had bought for $1 each from thrift stores then plastered Webb Bros. logos over. Needless to say,I bought one.

GIG WATCH

What you’re gonna be filling your ears with for the next fortnight

Athlete/Alfie

Sunday October 19

Students’ Union

Hmmm,I saw Athlete play the Barfly to about three people,and they were all pretty bored. If your inclinations are in any way indie though, Alfie will rock you’re socks.

Hundred Reasons

Wednesday October 22

MS1

Gareth from Funeral For AFriend could never stop banging on about how great these guys are,so I guess it’ll be worth the taxi fare then.

The Jeevas

Tuesday October 21

Barfly

Talking of must-have accessories, the new OutKast album Speakerboxxx/The Love Below is this autumn’s hot purchase. Dre and Big Boi have recorded a solo record each and released it as a double album; one a ghetto-fabulous rumble of jaw-breaking hip-hop (Big Boi’s),the other some kid of wonderful lost Prince album (Dre’s). It’s worth buying just for the sleeve picture of Dre as a centaur surrounded by big-assed women. Tasty.

Escaping the realms of bedroom listening this week,a visit to see Franz Ferdinand was order of the evening on Saturday,and they did not disappoint. Man,that bassist’s face was wobbly. And of course I celebrated the release of The Libertines’ Pete Doherty be attending a Libertines themed party. Used syringes were optional.

MEDIA WHORE ALERT! When a beautiful blonde bounds up to the office and thrusts a bottle of Jack Daniels whisky into your sweaty palms,you’ll (and I really mean “I’ll”) whore yourself out for anything. So Jack Daniels is great,drink more of it. Check back soon for even more seemingly random freebie-induced plugs!

Kula Shaker were great,weren’t they? [Uh,no - Ed.] Now imagine them if someone shot the peacocks. That's The Jeevas.

The Flaming Lips

Sunday October 26

CIA

Wayne Coyne may look like a fucking tramp but if all tramps wrote such beautiful songs Queen Street would be a much more melodic place to trundle down.

Simply Red

Wednesday October 29

CIA

Without Mick Hucknall,national use of the word ‘c--t’ would half.

The Darkness

THE STROKES

Room On Fire Rough Trade

As final ebb of Take It Or Leave It died on The Strokes’ capillary blowing debut Is This It,the cloud of expectation formed. Surely no second album would ever be this difficult? And didn’t the band know it. Songs were scrapped. Producers were sacked. Doubt was president. But as tumbling guitars roll into what are now Strokesian chords on Room On Fire opener What Ever Happened,the snarling croon of Julian Casablancas wells up again,and we’re reminded

Worldwide Underground

Motown

Badu dislikes the term neosoul,so here’s ‘hipster R&B’: long slow jams,freeform scat sessions,and much jazzy vocal styling. Badu’s fans will approve;

BLONDIE

The Curse Of Blondie Sony

Despite initial attempts to infuse their sound with a 21st century feel,this album fails to break Blondie’s mould. Debbie Harry is at her best when her distinctive warble rings clear over filthy electro guitar strains,not as in Shakedown,where she attempts to talk dirty to us. Our advice: Stick to what made you an icon love.

Polly March

ANDY C

Drum And Bass Arena 2 React

Theory,they carve slow burning melodic ballads accompanied by a ten piece orchestra. Decent enough if you like that sort of thing. Kris Ilic

FREELAND

Now And Them Marine Parade

The demonic opener We Want Your Soul provides the most inspiring highlight in a promising musical cocktail of genre. Led by Brighton DJ Adam Freeland,this fine debut blends brass social ranting with potent beats and sexy soundscapes. The result is a solid dance record with credible cult potential. David Murray Jones

FUTURESHOCK

of who it was who kicked off this nu-garage malarky in such impeccable style. The albumis a lesson in refinement. It’s no departure from their debut,the band are smart enough to stick to their strengths and let their pedigree shine through. And fuck,does it shine through. Automatic Stop,12:51; wrappingperfect pop round Big Apple cool has never sounded so good since,well,since Is This It first blew our collective minds. Rest assured,if you had your doubts before then cast them aside. The Strokes are still the greatest band in the world.

Jamie Fullerton

not a huge departure,but a considerable development. Hippies,and everyone into The Roots and OutKast need to check this shit out. It’s Badu’s Aquemini: funky, ambitious,as exciting as anything out there.

Chris Griffin

This blinder of a CD shows Andy C at his best,spinning tunes even a drum‘n’bass virgin could appreciate. The intro is an incredible start to a fusion of jump-up, heavy and rollin’ d’n’b,and a rich mix of fresh new tracks together with remixes of old favourites like the classic Ska make this album priceless.

Nicky Bailey

SIOBHAN DONAGHY

Revolution In Me London

If you like catchy, Sugababes-esque songs then don’t buy this album, just the surprisingly upbeat Twist Of Fate single. However if you like mediocre pop/soul songs with mumbled lyrics (Nothing But Song) and a stroppy singer who looks as cheery as Alex from Fame Academy,then this is perfect. Matthew Ramsden

THE FIRE THEFT

The Fire Theft Ryko

The Fire Theft are a three piece featuring current and ex-members of the Foo Fighters,but the hippy-ish songs contained on their debut are far removed from the chirpy infectious poprock of the Foos. Like new age also-rans Unified

Late Night

Junior/Parlophone

At first,this reminds of Ross Geller's not-so-talented keyboard playing (OK, exaggeration!) However, under the influence of alcohol it is hard to resist dancing to. It’s a grower and,for you acid house weirdos,a hit. Debbie Green

THE JEEVAS

Cowboys And Indians

Cowboy Unsurprising,uninspiring retro from the ex-Kula Shaker ringmaster. The few high points are eroded by the truly vomit-inducing ‘protest’ songs Masters Of War and How Much Do You Suck? - a pertinent question. Nice try Crispian, but you can't polish a turd. Dave Adams

ERYKAH BADU

PRIMAL

Dirty Hits

SCREAM

Columbia

Dirty Hits is definitive collection of Primal Scream over the past decade,opening with the instantly recognisable Loaded through to the more offbeat Autobahn. Overall this is a perfect introduction to Primal Scream but there is nothing really new for the die hard fans. Chris Dutton

RELAXED MUSCLE

A Heavy Night With... Rough Trade

Jarvis Cocker returns with This Is Hardcore part two, but AHeavy Night With... plunders from the depths of that album rather than hitting its heights. Singles The Heavy and Billy Jack hit the spot,and the slower tracks come closer to the depth we've come to expect,but too much of this is indistinct from the rest of the electro bandwagon. Chris Lilley

SUEDE

Singles

Kash landing

BASEMENT JAXX

Kish Kash XL

Sadly,the decline in health of Snowflake the Gorilla, who featured so prominently on the cover of Basement Jaxx’s last

the sky-scraping Stay Together,to heart-stopping ballads like The Wild Ones. Of the two new songs Attitude stands out resembling the Sneaker Pimps as fronted by Bowie. Only the recent poor self-parody of Positivity lets this record down. Bill Cummings

Albums 25

FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND

Casually Dressed And Deep In Conversation

Warner

The FFAF four blend power and emotion with melody and infectious rock. Their first full-length album eminates a polished and integral sound that rings true to the genre of emo. Despite their obvious compassion

for pristine production and the impact of melodically driven guitars,one feels that this album contains some repetitive sounds. Some of the tracks prove to be quite predictable in structure,and lyrically this also comes across too. However,tracks such as Juneau (a highlight) and Red is The New Black do touch on something quite substantial. Layers of gut-

album

Rooty,is mirrored in the decline in quality of their latest album Kish Kash

The tracks Good Luck, Lucky Star, Cish Cash and Living Room all sparkle with the iridescent genius that is the very essence of Jaxx: huge bass and beats,

TRAVIS

12 Memories Independiente

On The Invisible Band,Travis transcended their strumrock pigeonhole and became something beautiful. Here,they’ve lost something. It’s Nigel Godrich.

glorious vocals and funk electro all ripped up and ready to explode on the dance floor. However,four tracks don’t make an album and the rest struggle to break away from the mediocrity that any back room DJ with a handful of samples and a vocalist could muster. The Jaxx’s last two albums famously “fucked house music up the arse”; the only thing that’s been fucked this time is any real hope of bringing house music back from the brink.

RIP Snowflake; RIP house music.

Simeon Rosser-Trokas

much more than a solid British guitar band. Listening to 12 Memories makes it sound like deceit.

Jamie Fullerton

PAUL VAN DYK

Reflections Renegade

tural screams and harmonic vocals do create a dynamic blend of the subtle and the violent within FFAF’s sound. One can imagine as a live act this band would give their utmost and put on a good show. So,if heartfelt, gut-wrenching emo rock is your thing,then the already hugely popular Welsh hopefuls may be just up your street. Sarah Taylor

The East German refugee may once have had a problem with crossing borders but this album proves he has become more than proficient at it,mixing chill-out,breakbeat and more familiar PVD stuff. A truly innovative album which has it all, even PVD on vocals.

Sian Thatcher

VARIOUS

Worlds Of Possibility Domino

One the greatest record labels ever celebrates ten years by bringing out a fantastic collection. The twodisc set brings together the best of the past ten years and predicts what the future holds. God didn’t rest on the seventh day: he started a record label.

Anthony Lloyd

Singles 26

BRITISH SEA POWER

Remember Me

Rough Trade

On B-side

The Smallest Church In Sussex there are hints of the numinous,but this is just boring. Haven't noticeably improved in a year and don't appear to want to. Rob Telford

CLIPPER

MyTendency EP

Daydream

Shining with lyrics like "speak to me like I’m a fool, haven’t felt like that since school," Clipper’s debut EP reminds one of sitting through a middle school variety show. Lyrically crippled,Clipper’s sound is formulaic and all too familiar.

J Lee

ELBOW

Fugitive Model V2

This latest helping from Elbow's new LP fails to live up to expectations. Fugitive Motel consists of a monoto-

ELECTRIC SIX

Dance Commander XL

Lacks the punch of the first two singles,but with typical energy and humour the band deliver yet more catchy guitar and synth riffs. Another essential party anthem. David Ford

GORKY’S ZYGOTIC MYNCI

Mow The Lawn

Sanctuary

Poodle Rockin’ it ain't. Early Roxy Music it is. Gorky’s are now fully content with their waning creativity. Shuddering along as it splutters out the last of their talent,the best from a neutered album.

Richard Samuels

KELIS

Milkshake

Arista

The Neptunes’ monopolisation of R&B continues. It’s refreshing to hear female vocals on top of

Super Furry

Animals: Never took much pleasure out of musical chairs

Electric Six: In their gay car!Gay car!

KOSHEEN

Wasting My Time

Arista

The distinctive sound of Kosheen with their smooth, raw vocals and experimentation between dance and electric rock develops a heavier tone then their usual persona. A rocked up mellow track. Ciara Sarkar

PRIMAL SCREAM

Some Velvet Morning

Columbia

A simple,chilled out track featuring the waif-like supermodel Kate Moss singing with Primal Scream in a

DAMIEN RICE

Cannonball

DRM

Don't you just hate radio edits? The highlight of Rice's highly recommended O album is a sumptuous, spiritual piece,but unfortunately this version adds out-of-time drums and artificial strings,and ends up producing a wooden heart.

Rob Telford

SUPER FURRY ANIMALS

Hello Sunshine

Epic

A prettily melodic summer tune that doesn't really go anywhere,was possibly

Great Hall,Cardiff

Friday 3 October

How did they do this? In retrospect, the success of the disposable council girls off Pop Idol’s poor cousin is barely believable; they weren’t even meant to beat One True Voice to the Christmas No 1 spot,let alone flatten all before them in becoming movable cultural signifiers and purveyors of undeniably supreme pop gems. OTV, though,have long been consigned to the great bargain bin in the sky,while Nadine,Nicola,Sarah,Kimberly and Cheryl have busied themselves with rock’n’roll nightclub brawls,getting called "the greatest band since the Sex Pistols" by Julie Burchill,and making an album which touches upon teenage ennui,the English class system (Essex girl power!) and good oldfashioned glitterball action. Oh,and delivering storming six-song PAs which piss all over anything the Union’s ever seen.

They kick off in stellar style with a cover of Duran Duran’s Girls On Film; in concept and in practice,this is unbeatable. Of course,the Aloud then proceed to beat it: the barking vocals and up-middle-finger punk attitude of No Good Advice,the self-reverential disco magnificence of Girls Allowed There’s that fantastic moment in Life Got Cold where the melody threatens to turn into Wonderwall before becoming something so,so much better,and lines like "shut your mouth because your shit might show" and "we skate as we date as we slowly suffocate". Pop puppets? If you could carry it off you’d be up there singing and dancing your own hearts out. All hail those who can. Alex Macpherson

FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND

Bristol University

Wednesday 8 October

To sell out Bristol University without even yet releasing an album is pretty damn good going but for this band it’s no real big surprise. Funeral For A Friend have been threatening to explode for months,and judging by tonight's performance their time has finally come. Support comes from Pontypridd rockers Indifference and the heavy-as-fuck Hondo Maclean to complete an all Welsh entourage. When Funeral finally appear,they rock the place out with a set of highly impressive songs from their upcoming album,complete with an encore of hit Juneau to which everyone sings along: “And I'm nothing more than a line in

SIMPLE KID

Barfly,Cardiff

Tuesday 30 September

The name Simple Kid gives connotations of a somewhat chilled out,slowpaced sound. However the long haired,scrawny built guitarist portrays something other than his moniker. The mixture of guitars,synths,drum machines and harmonies,combined with distinctly Beck-like vocals,served the audience with something far from simple. The style of this somewhat unique band was hard to categorise but managed to mix indie with psychedelia,alongside influences from what appeared to be Damon Albarn,Badly Drawn Boy and even a little of Ian Brown’s stage stomping. Though heavily inventive,the sound did however leave me with the question of “haven't I heard this somewhere before?” Ciara Sarkar

OCEAN COLOUR SCENE

Great Hall,Cardiff

Saturday 4 October

It seems hard to believe that Ocean Colour Scene are fast approaching their fifteenth year as a band. Yet Saturday evening’s vintage performance perfectly befitted the bands rich heritage,loyal support and back catalogue of sing-along classics.

Opening act The Delays proved suitably apt. Clearly OCS inspired,their melodic riffs and soothing JJ72-esque vocals proved inspiring and provided a mouth-watering appetiser for the evening.

Exhibiting a faultless blend of new material from 2003’s North Atlantic

Drift and timeless material from the mid-90s days of Moseley Shoals,OCS brought Cardiff to its knees. With renditions of classic songs,from opener The Circle through 100 mile High City, Day We Caught The Train and the concluding Riverboat Song, frontman Simon Fowler had the crowd eating from his palm. Profit And Peace and the acoustic Robin Hood proved that rich,melodic sounds can easily be the set highlights,with the latter’s Oasis Live Forever medley personifying the emotion-driven atmosphere within the Great Hall. Sam Coare

THE PASTELS

Cube Cinema,Bristol

Saturday 11 October

Under normal circumstances a cinema may seem a strange place to hold a gig,yet it superbly highlights what a strange band The Pastels are. Their set lasts for just under an hour,which for a band that have been together for over 15 years and released numerous albums is not a long time.

Most of the material comes from the latest album The Last Great Wilderness,which being fully instrumental has the effect of making me want to slowly drift off to sleep. But it’s in the old stuff that the crowd really get excited. Stephen McRobbie’s voice still sounds like he’s pissed and singing backwards,while Katrina offers a complete contrast with her high pitched chirpings. The band support these two ever present core members and turn light Scottish indie into a scaled down Polyphonic Spree. Going to the cinema has never been so cool. Anthony Lloyd

your book...” Heartfelt stuff. These boys are gonna be huge. You have been warned! Mat Aplin

Photo: Tim Alben

This concert was sold out about fifteen seconds after being announced, so anticipation was high. The Darkness took the stage to massive applause,a silhouetted Justin Hawkins giving the packed Great Hall a massive thumbs up. The opening number was the mammoth Black Shuck,the first track on their album Permission To Land. Every song was note-perfect,each had the Darkness trademark of witty lyrics,thundering bass lines and pompous guitar solos. The band covered Radiohead’s Street Spirit,giving it an uplifting rock feel. The singles Growing On Me and I Believe In A Thing Called Love were played early in the set. The lesserknown songs,such as Love Is Only A Feeling and Givin’Up were given greater presence in the set list. The encore finished with Love On The RocksWith No Ice during which Justin was carried through the audience by the security staff. Throughout,Justin was on top form,working the audience and feeding from them. His Lycra catsuit,don’t-give-a-fuck attitude and stage poise makes him the perfect front man for the band,and their immense stage presence easily filled the small venue and made for a sublime atmosphere. Like them or loathe them,The Darkness are an immense live act. It is easy to write them off as a flash in the pan,but on this wet October night the lucky people there witnessed a piece of music history that will be remembered for a long time. Andy Lightfoot

FOUR TET

Clwb Ifor Bach,Cardiff Tuesday 7 October

Great Hall,Cardiff

Sunday 5 October

The Webb Brothers’ set was short but stunning. Their songs were mature, beautiful and well received by the audience; sadly,most people were still entering the venue as the band finished their set and so missed a superb performance.

The next act on the bill was Three Inches Of Blood,a shouty Canadian six-piece with two singers. One thought he was Satan’s hell-hound, the other spent most of the set downing beer and squealing into a microphone. The Great Hall has the acoustics of a bus shelter; this,plus songs such as The Curse Of The Lighthouse Keeper,made them sound like tripe. This band was good if you like your music to give you a massive cerebral haemorrhage or other internal injuries.

After strolling around the back streets of the city centre in search of the night’s venue,a dark,dingy alley proved the hiding place of Clwb Ifor Bach; a bizarrely small setting for Four Tet (aka Kieran Hebden) given his résumé of slots alongside Radiohead and Super Furry Animals. The night’s opening acts combined a mix of electronic-funk-dance in the shape of Brave Captain,and a truly dire exhibition of Animal Collective’s ‘talents’. Quite what possessed a man of Kieran’s obvious intelligence to book a slot of two men playing open chords on acoustic guitars and banging a single drum is something we’ll probably never know. As for Four Tet themselves (or himself as would be more appropriate),the combination of

Photos: Simon Shoulders

electronic-dance-jazz-soul-funk proved both innovative and,at times,exciting. Disappointingly,such moments proved few and far between,and for every touch of sublime construction there was an equal moment of dull repetition,in which one couldn’t help but feel some equally subtle lyric work wouldn’t have gone a miss. Sam Coare

THE KEYS/RADIO JAZZ MAN

Clwb Ifor Bach,Cardiff

Saturday 4 October

The Keys play country music. There, I've said it. But don't turn the page yet: their delightful reverie and harmonious instrumental indulgences entertained the in-crowd and the intrigued alike.

Support was from Radio Jazz Band, who,despite their name,were an excellent old-fashioned rhythm-andblues collective with bongos and just a hint of Gomez about them. Without missing a note,The Keys played with an accessibility and flair that is rare in modern indie rock,but then they can switch easily from 1950s crooners to jangly Britpop in seconds and with sumptuous results. When frontman Matthew Evans dedicates a song to his “favourite actor" William H Macy you smile inwardly and thank God for the good times. Rob Telford

FRANZ FERDINAND/Ludes

Barfly,Cardiff

Saturday 11 October

Another Saturday in Barfly,another hyped up bunch of chancers attempting to compete with the infernal bar chatter that pound-a-bottle specials conjure up. Ludes face the music first. Who knows where the hell they’re from,but we’ll be damned if their cosmic stomping couldn’t deck the daylights out of most of Liverpool’s Coral-esque pretenders. Luckiest Theatre is anything a psychedelic pirate could ever wish for,and even keeps the land-lubbering fringekids of Cardiff jiggling along. Seems like there’s a little more room on that bandwagon after all. So,Franz Ferdinand then. “Very this week” according to Quench’s single review,but fuck me up the arse and call me Mildred,those pirouetting soars of art-indie are more than seven-day wonders. Sometimes they’re Blur when they still had tunes. With their alternating side partings and pomping blast,sometimes they’re Suede with an above average IQ. But with a pot full of ideas to match their

pot full of tunes they’re Franz fucking Ferdinand,the band who want to give you more,to rock your socks and massage your grey matter in equal measure. You’d be a cock not to let them. Jamie Fullerton

MIS-TEEQ

St.David’s Hall,Cardiff

Sunday 5 October

On the face of it,there’s no correlation between Mis-Teeq’s kiddie-friendly UK garage - a good proportion of the audience have parents in tow tonight and school the next day - to the credibility the first ladies of British Pop 2003 currently enjoy. Enthusiasm, though,is key; they’re the best sorts of entertainers,loving what they do and bouncing around the stage while they do it,as excited and excitable as their fans. Charisma,too: Alesha Dixon may not be the lead vocalist,

but she’s very much the leader, Beyoncé to her very own Kelly (Sabrina,the soulful singer) and Michelle (Su-Elise,the luggage). The Destiny’s Child comparisons aren’t entirely apposite any more,though. Two years ago,Mis-Teeq were clearly in thrall to the sassiest girl group on the planet. Now,they’ve sharpened and refined their sound into something edgy,confident and unmistakably British: Dixon’s blistering,hectic MC spots,for example,are astounding. One Night Stand,the best fake DC song ever,is the first encore; it’s Scandalous which brings the house down,though,because "a one night stand just ain’t enough" any more. Alex Macpherson

Photos: Tim Alben

Time to find out what’s cooking in the world of literature this fortnight...

Karin Alvtegen Canongate

Enigmatic,disenfranchised and alone, Sibylla uses her fading looks and educated manners to tempt a lonely businessman into buying her dinner and a bed for the night.

The next morning he is discovered brutally murdered and she becomes the prime suspect. With nowhere to go and no identity she flees back to the homeless underworld as more men are butchered. The target of Sweden’s biggest man-hunt,she wants only to escape and forge a life alone until a chance meeting helps her to track down the real killer.

The idea is pretty simple but Alvtegen turns it into something fascinating. Weaving between childhood flashbacks and passages of disturbing religious mania,nothing is ever clear-cut. We are left just as adrift in the story as her character is,running from location to location,seeing different passages in time jar more and more harshly as Sibylla’s neuroses take hold. Her past life,revealed slowly as if current experiences are sparking off long-dead memories,lends her a sense of mystique. The plot too is constructed to draw you deeper and deeper into the story,supplying a hint of a clue just when you think you know for all the answers – for definite this time. Sibylla is a flawed narrator; we can’t trust what she sees and believes because we can’t be sure that she’s not drifting into madness. When a chance newspaper clipping reveals a past that our heroine appears to hide even from herself the novel cuts between Bell Jar-esque descriptions of psychiatric care and lucid descriptions of modern-day Stockholm. At some points the police and her parents seem right,at other’s she’s as innocent as the Madonna.

The overwhelming voice in the novel is unspoken – the sense of alienation from the polite society of her childhood and the almost palpable desire to find a space of her own,but like our heroine the dream is fragile and flawed. Right until the end the pace is underscored by a sense of thoughtfulness that stays just at the back of your mind – trying to understand Sibylla as she tries to understand herself. Alvtegen has been described as "intimate and realistic",and the impression of this novel is of a carefully crafted work. It surpasses the tags of crime or thrillers and becomes powerfully absorbing – I read it in one sitting without noticing the time pass. The end,though,is trite - Agatha Christie meets One Hour Photo - and lets down what could be one of the best books of this year. Get it as a present and read it before you give it away. Bushfire

somes,bestiality,adultery and paternity,to name but a few,but manages to tell these obscene tales without turning the book into a grimy tabloid in itself.

This book gets better the further in you read. Although interesting,Wilkes’ account of early gossip press is a tad dry. It does not compare to the excitement,intrigue and intimacy of his addictive descriptions of Edward VIII’s abdication for his lover,Wallis Simpson,Princess Diana’s symbiotic relationship with the press and the scandal of Monicagate,President Clinton and Lewinsky’s infamous affair which is said to have launched gossip into the dot.com age.

Wilkes ‘stew’ of political intrigue, crime passion and libel is quite the feast,especially his debate as to the true nature of gossip mongering. Is it lurid,intruding slime,or merely a merry diversion helping us contend with the trials and tribulations of our own ordinariness?

Roger Wilkes Atlantic "Gossip provides the popcorn of light relief." Everybody, even the Queen,loves a good gossip and scandal. Beside our better judgement we feel ourselves drawn into this world of unscrupulous hackdom of tittle-tattle and sexual folly. Wilkes draws upon our nations love and appetite for gossip and scandal brilliantly in this enjoyable book,giving a detailed,humorous,historical narrative of the rise of the modern press, from the Morning Post to the Daily Mirror. He follows the lives of leading ‘gossip writers’ such as Daniel Defoe, the creator of the prototype gossip column,as well as telling the tales of numerous scandals gone by.

Of course,as the biggest paper seller, sex is a large aspect of this book. Wilkes includes stories of three-

I personally believe both - and yet neither. A tiny pebble of gossip can smash lives,undermine governments and shatter many a reputation. Even respectable papers such as The Times give column inches to gossip. Wilkes goes so far to say that gossip columnists "control the great implements of public opinion",and I agree with him. He covers the nature of how rumours are distributed and their power and implications with accuracy,and succeeds in encasing the hunt,the kill and the excitement of every story as it broke as well as the pivotal roles they played in the journey to the modern gossip column. Although slow to start the final chapters are truly worth the wait. This is a very good read for any with an interest in gossip and scandal. Shell Plant

Have you got a book reviewing itch that needs scratching? Then come and write for the fantastic Quench books pages! Pop up to the office on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union or email grbooks@cf.ac.uk; all contributions welcomed with open arms.

HOO-HAS AND PASSING FRENZIES

Francis Wheen Atlantic

Do you recognize the title of this book? No? It’s a fusion of two Blair quotes dismissing Labour scandals and media fads. You want to be careful, since the author rather ominously claims “amnesia is the handmaiden of hypocrisy”. Meet Francis Wheen, ‘writer,broadcaster and journalist’. This book comprises of collected journalism,mostly from The Guardian and – rather disappointingly considering his twenty-five year career – mostly from the 1990s. As the quote above suggests,Wheen takes his ‘journalistic duty’ pretty seriously,believing it entails “telling people things they couldn’t have found out for themselves”. He’s like the kissing link between John Simpson and Jesus. He’s also a staunch critic of tabloid press and their ‘amnesia’. Progress, for Wheen,depends on retentiveness; therefore his work is always contextualised and historically related. This usually results in Wheen identifying hypocrisy and contradiction,then ruthlessly condemning it. Many of his articles follow the format of “yesterday X said this,but seven years ago in obscure journal Y,X said this – what a filthy liar”.

The collection includes literary quotations,effortless satirical adaptation of St John’s Gospel,and even the occasional French quip. No tits on page three here then. It’s refreshing to read articles so brilliantly sculpted,especially since Wheen reports direct from the source. Thus when researching a parliament debate concerning divorce, he “studied a Hansard transcript of the entire six hour debate”. As a result he writes like an authority on almost every subject,even the sign language of monkeys where he references the best-titled book ever, His Monkey Wife. But this also demands a certain trust in Wheen as an intermediary between reader and source. Therefore when Wheen claims that Murray’s The Bell Curve “runs to more than eight hundred pages but can be

summarised in a few sentences”,we will,inevitably,take his word for it. Usually it’s easy to trust Wheen, although it’s hard to accept that Bill Clinton sacked his first surgeon general because she “informed the nation’s teenagers that masturbation wouldn’t make them go blind”. But at least he exercises his freedom of speech to the utmost,describing Clinton as “a whited sepulchre of hypocrisy and corruption”. Eleri Lloyd

LANDING LIGHT

Don Paterson Faber & Faber

In the ten years since his first collection Nil Nil,Don Paterson has established himself as editor,translator and,last but not least,poet. Landing Light is his latest collection and reinforces this reputation. In this confident and assured volume, Paterson flexes his lyrical skills with a bold range of styles,from the concrete to classical inspired near-epic. Incorporating both creative translations and poems in his native Scots, Paterson demonstrates that language is his creative tool rather than just the medium for poetry. The quality of his verse speaks for itself,quite literally in “A Talking Book”: “The charge of being clever,cute or coy/ I will not even bother to refute,there being no I to speak of.”

The subjects are often of a deeply personal nature and always touching. I found the poems addressed to,or about,Paterson’s family brave and self-baring while still allowing his dry humour to underline even the most intimate of moments. In “The Thread”,we learn of the difficulties of his son’s birth: “Jamie made his landing in the world/ so hard he ploughed straight back into the earth.”

Yet Paterson manages to surprise and entertain too. In a poem considering the frail grasp of mortality,he urges the two year old Jamie to “look at our tiny house,son,the white dot of your mother waving.”

Following on from The Eyes,Paterson builds on his creative translation skills and offers the reader a light to read Dante by. In “The Forest Of

Reviews 31

Suicides”,too,Sylvia Plath is transfigured into a hell tree: “I was a woman once,but now am thorn.”

In keeping with Paterson’s source,the thorny woman goes on to confess and ascribes her poison tongue to the “green eyed courtesan” of jealousy and its destructive impact on both father and husband. Her fate seemed sealed as she explains: “I sung the bright world only to estrange it/ and prophesised my end so nakedly mere decency insisted I arrange it.”

In addition to the classical references, the collection includes subjects and styles that demonstrate Paterson’s consummate skill. “Letter to the Twins” begins as an apology and ends with a deeply erotic discourse: “Know, by its tiny pulse and its low gleam/ just where the pearl sits knuckled in its silk.”

Overall this collection clearly demonstrates Paterson’s keen ear for both the lyrical and the poetic employment of language and style. AJ Silvers

Don Paterson: Poetry inspired by accident with superglue.

Legends of the page

This week, Shell Plant explains the considerable genius of Alice Sebold,while Alastair Bulloch tells us why George Orwell gets his literary juices

flowing

After reading The Lovely Bones,the critically acclaimed No 1 bestseller,I revelled in the brilliance of Alice Sebold. Shortly afterwards I read her memoir Lucky,a harrowing story of rape where Sebold has created beauty and hope out of agony. An obsessive reader,Sebold lives in California with husband Glen David Gold,a fellow novelist.

Sebold depicts heaven with refreshing ambiguity. Along with Susie,we watch her family fall apart from grief and her killer escape,despite her father’s obsessive attempts to catch him. Gradually her family heals as we watch the joy of Susie’s sister’s engagement and the reconciliation of her parents after her mother’s affair. The Lovely Bones is so painfully funny, compassionate and astonishingly understanding of the sadness of life and deaths inevitabilities,that it will cause that uncomfortable feeling in your stomach and that sickly rising lump in the back of your throat. Sebold’s work will stay with you long after you have read it. Shell Plant

He then lived the life of the poorest inhabitant of Paris and London before writing his first book on his experiences (and my favourite), Down And Out In Paris And London

Next in Orwell’s writing career came Burmese Days,an autobiographical account of his time as a colonial police officer. In 1936 Orwell was commissioned to write The Road To Wigan Pier by the Left Book Club. They were not,however,entirely happy with the final copy of the book as it slated English socialism.

In her memoir Sebold reveals her shocking ordeal as a first year undergraduate,where she was raped and beaten in a park. She describes the lack of understanding of friends and family who sometimes failed in their efforts to help her. Astoundingly, Sebold displays an unstoppable spirit in order to succeed. Full of self-reflection,wit and profound wisdom ("You save yourself or you remain unsaved"), Lucky is the story of a nineteen-yearold woman trying to make peace with the world and herself.

Sebold has suggested that The Lovely Bones and Lucky are connected. She could not have written one without the other. Susie,the omniscient narrator of The Lovely Bones speaks to us from heaven following her brutal rape and murder by a neighbour just before her fourteenth birthday. Throughout this novel Sebold touches upon the unknown aspects of death - my only criticism being that Sebold relies upon the actuality of the existence of heaven. In this sense the novel shouldn’t work,but bizarrely,it does.

Eric Arthur Blair (or George Orwell) had an extraordinary life,encompassing jobs as diverse as Burmese police officer and Spanish revolutionary fighter. It was revealed recently that Orwell worked as a government informant and his list of ‘crypto-communists’ was kept secret for over 50 years.

Born in India but schooled in England (Eton, no less),Orwell quickly grew tired of ‘middle England’ and set off in search of adventure. He returned to India, joining the Imperial police and later the Burmese police,but left after growing tired with the British Empire’s domination over countries he served –he wrote in The Road To Wigan Pier that he wished to "escape from... every form of man's dominion over man".

When the Spanish Civil War broke out in 1936,Orwell went over with the intention of writing articles,but was quickly captured by the communist ideology - people had nothing but were all equal. Orwell joined the rebels fighting General Franco and spent a few months on the front lines before being shot in the throat. Homage To Catalonia is an account of his time in Spain. Contracting tuberculosis meant he was unable to fight the fascists in WWII as he had done in Spain, something he regretted. Instead he wrote for various newspapers and joined the Home Guard. After the war he moved to an island off the Scottish coast and wrote 1984. He blamed the pain of his illness for the bleakness of the book. He died in January 1950.

Orwell was an incredible person. He was someone who would fight for his ideals,and someone I’d very much have liked to meet. Alastair Bulloch

Whoever said gaming was a violent pursuit? Simeon Rosser-Trokas,that’s who,as he reviews Soul Calibur 2

Let’s not waste time with pretentious metaphors: Soul Calibur 2 is fantastic! You may think that’s too generous a statement to open a review with,but you’d be wrong. So wrong in fact that you deserve to have your body sliced to ribbons by an unfeasibly large sword.

SC2 has been criticised by some as being little more than a graphically enhanced vanilla sequel to the original on the Dreamcast. These people are fools. SC on DC was the best fighting game ever until this sequel came along, the problem being that only DC owners got to play it (ie practically no one). Namco have done everyone a huge favour by taking this golden gaming nugget,polishing it up with extra shiny next generation graphics and distributing it across all three consoles,and a great job they’ve done too.

McFarlane-designed Spawn,PS2 has Heihachi from the Tekken series and best of all GC has everyone’s favourite green hat wearing adventurer Link,from the Legend Of Zelda series. But such fripperies as cool characters and stunning graphics aside,how does the game shape up?

“...beautifully animated razorsharp death...”

Namco have taken the “if it ain’t broke,don’t fix it” approach to the dynamics of the game,meaning that the controls are instantly familiar to anyone who played the original,and for those who didn’t, that means perfect. Responsive,finely balanced,simple to pick up,but tough to master.

surface. The real joy of SC2 comes in the huge and very challenging Weapon Master mode and of course Versus mode against your mates. Weapon Master mode provides a story (albeit a shallow one) where you embark on an epic quest and take on a series of combat challenges which, if completed,will allow access to new characters,weapons,and play modes as well as artwork and a whole myriad of other extras,extending the longevity of the single player game way beyond that of lesser fighters.

Each platform has its own exclusive bonus character: Xbox has the Todd

Most players will race through the standard Arcade mode,dealing out flurries of beautifully animated,razorsharp death to all and sundry. This early success leads one to the rather smug conclusion that you’ve mastered swordplay and could show Chow Yun Fat a thing or two,but in reality you’ve barely scratched the

Playing against your friends is,however,undoubtedly the greatest joy of any fighting game and at the moment there is nothing sweeter than SC2: treating a novice to a thrashing with “Perfect!” booming out of the TV or, even better,fractionally beating a fellow veteran with an expertly timed combo,leading to many a tantrum and broken joypad.

If you hadn’t got the message by now,buy this game! Now,if you’ll excuse me I’m off to play it just one more time…

The Master Swordsman here is about to get his ass handed to him by a little girl. Hurrah!

The internet is either seen as an educational tool or a shopping mall for the depraved.But what about the funny stuff? And not the sort of comic mirth that you get in the form of forwarded emails, or sites that are billed as ‘humour’ but are about as fun as genital herpes. Ben Wright on the top 10 humour sites of the net.

http://www.theonion.com

If you’ve never stumbled across the Onion before,it’s one of the funniest and most outrageous sites on the net. A net native site (that’s jargon for something only found on the net), it parodies the mainstream U.S. news media with true wit,humour and intellect. Imagine Monty Python meets Have I Got News For You and you’re getting close.

The wacky world of the web

http://www.playgroundlaw.com

It’s often well documented that kids can be so cruel,and after viewing this website it will put even the most broody of couples off having a sprog or two for a while. Everyone remembers some crazy stuff that went on in school,but some of these stories (whether true or not) appeal to that spiteful little bitch in all of us.

www.spatch.net/cattown/ index.html

A bizarre take on the world of soap operas,featuring - yes, you’ve guessed it - cats. The episodes feature real life moggies who look suitably unimpressed by the attire they’re dressed in. No animals were harmed in the making of this website,but you can bet your Gran’s underpants that they were shamelessy embarassed. Features the best (and perhaps most surreal) melodrama this side of Neighbours

http://www.dancingpaul.com

This fun flash site features,erm, ‘Interactive Paul’,and you can manipulate his take on some feisty (ahem) dance moves. Not really a site with longevity,but it does remind you of those countless buffoons at the Union on a Friday night after they’ve consumed too much vodka and Coke.

http://www.bigar se.co.uk

Spam e-mails are annoying. They clutter up your inbox and ones which read ‘FWD:Funny’ are about as comical as your average Bernard Manning live gig. But at Big Arse they’ve put a website of some cracking comedy emails,including the riotous Geordie version of Windows 2000 and some fantastic lambasting of the ‘cloth for brains’ USA.

http://www.geocities.com/blingbay

http://www.iantomey.com/BlokesFromT hePubReunited

http://www.seethru.co.uk/zine/features/bullies_reunited

Tons of you lot have already opted for

http://www.aristotle.net/~crazymidiman

He skydives,plays the organ (or at least attempts to) and is from the

the inevitable bar work to scrape some cash together. And these pubs invariably attract punters who can only be described as ‘dickheads’ – mainly because that’s the only type of language they’d understand. So what better way than to vent your spleen at

“YOO-ESS OF A”. Ladies and gentlemen,meet George Foster,the self proclaimed ‘Crazy Midi Man’. The site has been horribly designed,and the contents are listed on one whole page leaving you to scroll the whole way down the page to get to Fosters’ incoherent rants. But it’s still pissyour-pants funny,because you’re not sure whether Foster is serious or not. And therein lies the beauty. You either laugh at a fantastic parody of American redneck culture and their gobsmacking self-righteousness,or you just laugh at him hard for being the crazy garbled bean that he is.

A G-Rap take on Ebay that ‘Sellz everythinz that Bingz’. Although not a sales site as such (which begs the question: why bother making it?) Bling Bay is a novel idea and is bound to bring out the inner pimp in you.

these ‘geezers’ than to look at this satirical take on Friends Reunited, which comes with a list of what ‘Wayne’ and his tattooed buddies are up to. Also check out the excellent parody Bullies Reunited: more of the same, but still worth a type and a click.

http://www.fark.com

The Onion was a a completely fictional news satrire site,but what makes Fark appealing is that the stories on offer here are real. You could imagine the thunderous laughter at news desks when stories like ‘Man Arrested For Popping Can In Own Ass’ and ‘Pop Star On Trial For Beating Up Woman For Lollipops In A Toilet’ arrive.

Escape to the...

HARRY HOLLAND

MartinTinney Gallery

October 8 to November 1

Asa renowned and successful Welsh artist,Holland’s new collection of narrative oil paintings is a relaxing escape from the stresses of life.

His paintings depict human relationships and capture the reality of everyday emotions,using mellow tones which excel in creating a simple beau-

ty. There is nothing harsh about the collection; the paintings work on a split level,having aesthetic appeal as well as exploring the complexities of emotional commitment.

They are paintings you can relate to and enjoy as they create intimate strangers through ambiguous compositions. Holland has an unbelievable accuracy and captures the intimate imperfections of people,making them

“Holland’s new collection explores the beauty of nudity through playful compositions”

come to life as you contemplate their meaning.

Holland’s new collection also explores the beauty of nudity through playful compositions. He adds a modern slant to traditional concepts generating something to smile at with admiration.

The collection exudes honesty and innocence,taking life at face value

which has a surprising novelty. He mainly focuses on young women, painting skin tones and hair textures that you want to reach out and touch. Holland has a distinctive style in the most simplistic terms conveying his appreciation for the human form.

You can feel Holland’s love of the arts in this collection,he has produced a set of beautiful paintings which are extremely viewable and well worth a look. Natalie Slater

A classroom dictation

DICTATION

Class Works Theatre with PlymouthTheatre Royal Sherman Theatre

Is modernisation a good thing? This was the question presented to me on seeing Dictation and to be honest I’m still not sure what the answer is. As an update of Antigone,an ancient Greek play by Sophocles,a greater knowledge of the original might have added layers of depth,but wasn’t necessary. Dictation addressed modern issues men in togas never considered but may have lost some of the weight and seriousness of Antigone.

The play was acted by a “youth theatre” group which isn’t a bad thing in itself,but can be when the actors know members of the audience and show their nerves by muttering their

“Dictation addressed modern issues men in togas never considered”

lines and shooting knowing glances at each other. The audience showed their appreciation at the end with riotous applause but I’m fairly certain the laughter that erupted as the lights dropped on the last act was not the intended effect,considering half the characters had just committed suicide. Don’t accuse me of ruining the end - I didn’t say which half.

Several aspects of the play were done very well. It was acted in the round,in a studio venue which gave a real sense of intimacy and brought focus to the action. There was simple but effective set and a fantastic big screen that played symbolic footage. The ancient problems explored by the plot proved very relevant to the modern day. These included questions of the role of the individual within the state and personal morality and accountability. Transferring the action from a kingdom to a classroom also

gave scope for commentary upon the education system and by implication, the government and society.

The main trouble was the time setting. There were elements of ancient Greek drama – references to “the gods” and an inaudible Chorus. These were mixed with contemporary jokes about OFSTED and AS-levels,all set in a futuristic classroom. I ended up with the dizzy confusion brought on by copious amounts of alcohol. This,of course,does not mean that the evening was not time well spent.

LauraTovey

And a look ahead at this week’s

Coming up at St. David’s Hall is a compilation of western and eastern music that promises to be a spectacular concert. This unique performance,called Raga And Rhapsody,is taking place on Thursday November 6 and is a collaboration between several Indian master musicians and BBC Now. Some of the music featured is by western composers who had an eastern influence to their work. There has also been a specially written new piece for the performance. It promises to be a really vibrant concert and is well worth a look. For more info call BBC Now line on 0800 052 1812.

The RWCMD have an array of drama productions set to question and entertain over the coming months. Pulitzer Prize winning author Sam Shepard’s play A Lie Of The Mind looks at the disintegration of the American family. What is

arts...

the reality of the American Dream? It’s on from Friday October 24 to Saturday November 1.

Interested in psychology? Blackout is about a man who has blackouts continually,sometimes for months on end. He can’t remember anything and this begins to be problematic for those around him. It’s showing on October 24 and 25,then again from October 30 until November 1.

Shakespeare’s masterpiece The Taming Of The Shrew is also showing from December 3 to 13 and promises to be an unmissable success.

Tickets for all of these productions are available from the RWCMD Box Office on 02920 391391.

Rachel Pegum

Some random classroom scenes

Lights! Camera! Action! gair rhydd’s very own grab! editor gets on set and reveals all about the glamorous life of a film extra

Extra-ordinary

By Leigh Debbage

I’mstanding below the London Eye at 3am,wearing a bright pink shirt,my freezing hand clutching a champagne glass filled with Appletise. A woman I’ve never met before is applying wax to my hair,trying to salvage the effects of eight hours in the cold wind and half an hour slept against the window of a double decker bus.

But it’s OK because by my side is the gorgeous and unwaveringly cheerful Kirsten Dunst and three of Hollywood’s finest actors,Jon Favreau, Sam Neill and the talented Brit Paul Bettany. The woman fiddling with my hair is Sam Neill’s wife.

The reason I’m here is not because of my merits as an actor,nor because I look so damn good in a pink shirt. Nay,I’ll be the first to admit I’m here out of sheer luck.

Having taken over as the GR competitions editor,it seemed a good time to tell you about a competition that, for one week and one long cold night two weeks ago,gave me a taster of life as a Hollywood star. By answering 18 difficult film questions in last October’s issue of Empire,I won a walk-on part in a Hollywood movie and a £20,000 trip for two to LA.

called Wimbledon). After many background shots,I was called for my ‘big close-up’ from our luxurious trailer (a double decker bus hired out for the extras) around 10 hours into the shoot. Had I known that within ten minutes of waking I would be the third person in the shot in which the two stars meet I would maybe have thought twice about sleeping against the window,but these moments

The walk-on part took place in London two weeks ago and was an outdoor cocktail party scene in the film Wimbledon,in which Bettany plays a lowly-ranked British tennis player who meets young American star Dunst and plays his balls right on and off the court. It is tipped to follow the successes of Working Title’s previous hits, which include Four Weddings AndA Funeral and Bridget Jones’Diary

I was involved in a gruelling 14-hour shoot from 4pm until 6am,with several rain delays (to be expected in a film

never occur exactly how you imagine!

In the scene Bettany had to push past me and stop next to me to talk to Dunst. This took around seven takes,during which I was pushed in the back seven times by Bettany (once more and I swear I would have turned!),got through two glasses of pretend champagne and mimed about 10 minutes’ worth of rubbish with my fellow extras: the muffled talking of the extras is always dubbed in afterwards,so that the only sound the boom picks up is the dialogue.

Now I have to wait nearly a year for answers to my questions: was I convincing as a tennis player enjoying his champagne or will it be clear to all that I’m a student who’d just slept rough and made a terrible mime artist? Were the wardrobe department wise to put me in such a bright pink shirt? And, most importantly,will I be condemned to the eternal damnation of the cutting room floor?

Left: Leigh in costume

Top: The lovely Kirsten Dunst Middle: Paul Bettany with referee Alan Mills

Night fever

Better skip the popcorn this time, because Cabin Fever will make you sick to your stomach,with visually grotesque scenes of human suffering illuminated on the big screen - blatant,crimson and unapologetic.

Strangely,unlike the vast majority of horror films ever made,the gratuitous spilling of vital fluids in this surprisingly excellent film is essential to a theme - yes,a real theme - that has deep sociological implications.

Beyond what at first appears to be yet another standard “good looking teenagers go to the woods and people get killed” story, Cabin Fever has no human (or indeed non-human)

assassin,a fact which immediately raises the film’s credibility and makes you take note of the reality of the situation.

Rider Strong takes the impressive lead part of Paul,and displays a fantastic Jekyll and Hyde character,with believably intimate moments being eclipsed later in the film by harsh,astounding violence. This is the essence of the film as a whole: the incredible effects of the human survival instinct,and

Downer

Ewan’s been busy of late,juggling Young Adam, Star Wars and now the frothy Down With Love. The question is should he have bothered? Set in 1962 New York,Barbara Novak is verging on a war of the sexes with the release of her book Down With

Dir: Eli Roth

Cast: Rider Strong,Jordan Ladd,Cerina Vincent

how an individual can so easily be dehumanised,and become feared.

A brilliant film to see,with a message so relevant in our society today. A word of warning though… foreplay may never be the same again.

Nicky Bailey

DOWN WITH LOVE

and straight into bed with him. Mayhem ensues… or so you’d hope.

David Hyde Pierce as Catcher’s editor may not be light years from his Frasier character but delivers the funniest moments in the film. Renée “chicken limbs” Zellweger seems to have taken her quirky label a twitch too far - her face doesn’t stop moving! Her expressions attempt a pastiche on 60s films but she exaggerates them beyond for-

The film only really picks up when the credits roll, when the stars’ Moulin Rouge and Chicago pasts are resurrected with a song and dance finale. It highlights their shining moments in those films proving that their Barbie and Ken roles in this aren’t even close.

Nathalie Southall

Dir: Peyton Reed Cast: Renée Zellweger, Ewan McGregor,David Hyde Pierce

Film Sean to be 39

TheLeague of the title are a group of Victorian literary heroes: Alan Quatermain (African hunter),Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (personality issues),The Invisible Man (well…

w ild

THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN

Dir: Stephen Norrington Cast: Sean Connery, Stuart Townsend, Richard Roxburgh

invisible?), Dorian Grey (immortal fop), Mina Harker (vampiric lovely), Captain Nemo (pirate scientist),and Tom Sawyer (American goit). Recruited by the mysterious M they must combine their powers to thwart master villain The Phantom from sinking Venice and initiating global war.

Of all the recent comic book adaptations this had one

Tolerable Clooney

Forgetyellow jumpsuits; the best dressed act on screen this autumn is without a doubt the dynamic duo of George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones in this nugget of gold from the Coen brothers.

Dir: Ethan Coen Cast: George Clooney, Catherine Zeta-Jones

Miles Massey (Clooney) is the most successful divorce lawyer in LA. Fixated with his teeth and bored of easy victories he craves something more fulfilling to get stuck into. Enter gold-digger Zeta-Jones as the stunning Marylin Rexroth who poses him his biggest challenge yet. After exposing her tactics in court and leaving her penniless is the way now clear for him to make the move? And if he succeeds can he truly trust her?

Intolerable Cruelty for the first time sees the Coens directing someone else’s story,but their trademarks are still evident throughout,such as the superb verbal interplay in the courtroom and asthmatic assassin Wheezy Joe. Clooney’s Cary Grant impersonation and timing are perfect,turning Massey from dirty,rotten scoundrel into loveable rogue. Zeta-Jones fits the bill perfectly as the manipulative bitch fixated on personal wealth and fine support from Geoffrey Rush,rhinestone cowboy

Billy Bob Thornton and a rabid Cedric The Entertainer (whose catchphrase “I’m gonna NAIL yo’ ass” is a killer) add to the wealth of talent on show.

Diehard Coen fans may miss the brothers’ usual visual flair and the lack of a decent subtext,but these are minor niggles when you’ve spent 90 minutes laughing so hard you‘ve pulled a muscle. At their first attempt,the Coens have reinvented,reinvigorated and rejuvenated the rom-com, and surely that’s worth £3 of anyone’s money. Andy Parsons

of the most inventive source materials,Alan Moore’s cult comic. Yet Norrington wastes all opportunity to make a film of genuine adventure or inventiveness. The ‘Evil’ Phantom resembles no more than a festering metallic sexual disease. Tom Sawyer is an unnecessary addition to an already bloated cast while the ‘cockney’ Invisible Man should permanently disappear.

The film does have charm but it is consistently blunted by a lack of conviction in its direction. Connery’s gruff Quatermain and Townsend’s wicked Grey do their best to invest the film with comedic vitality,but once again a potentially great concept for a film has been mishandled. Hollywood it seems is merely interested in profit and not patience; unfortunately this is not extraordinary.

Craig Driver

Videos

and DVDs

The surprisingly good original followed a group of good-looking teens,who are picked off one by one by Death after escaping his clutches. Other than some garbage about “new life defeating death”,this is an exact replica of the original. Only not as good. The film shoots its load in the superbly over-the-top and gruesome opening scene (Cars! Trucks! Motorbikes! Fire! Crashing! Big logs!),and performs a rapid downturn in quality thereafter. Kris Ilic

Todd Haynes’ domestic melodrama follows Cathy (Julianne Moore),who appears to embody the 1950s ideal of domestic bliss. However,the reality is that she is trapped in a loveless marriage with Frank (Dennis Quaid),a closet homosexual and alcoholic.

Nominated for several Oscars, this is one of the best Hollywood films of recent times despite being rather camp. Eleri Lloyd

Bare essentials

If,like me,you hadn’t so much as looked at a saucepan before you came to university,the idea of cooking for yourself in self-catering halls is quite frankly terrifying. However, once you get into the swing of cooking,it’s not too scary. One of the main problems is actually getting some flavour in your dubious looking, yet surprisingly tasty concoctions. You may think you’ve created a culinary masterpiece only to discover on the first bite there’s less flavour than an anonymous boy band trying to go R&B. With that in mind,here’s a helpful guide to little bits and pieces it’s handy to have around to kitchen to add an extra oomph to your food.

Salt and pepper

Often overlooked by adding a dash of either of these seasonings to your meat and veg can turn the blandest of dishes into an appetising feast. Mixed herbs

They make look like crushed green leaves but stick ‘em with pasta based meals,mince or omelettes and feel that extra tang hit your mouth.

Cumin seed

Strictly one for the curry fan,these little seeds add a much needed kick to the curry sauces you get from the shop. Fry them up with your ingredients for a richer curry flavour.

Garlic

Not for everybody but it’s not as expensive as you might think and a fresh clove lasts for ages. Just chop it up with whatever you think would benefit from the vampire repelling vegetable. Pureed garlic is pretty good as well.

Parmesan

OK,only ever stick this to your shopping list if somebody else is footing the bill because it’s bloody expensive, but it can be added to pasta dishes, some risottos,omelettes,and most other things where a bit of cheese is useful. Except sandwiches.

Tabasco

Only if you really like things hot and with a kick to them. A few drops into whatever you want to heat up and you’re well on your way to blowing your mouth off.

Chopped tomatoes

May seem like a strange essential,

Cookery corner

Haloumi,cous cous and roasted vegetable delight

1 pack of haloumi cheese (can be found in most delicatessens and larger supermarkets)

1 large courgette

1 large red pepper

1 large yellow pepper

2 medium sized red onions

150ml olive oil

Cous cous (follow the serving instructions on the packet for quantity)

Juice of 2 limes

2 tablespoons of honey

2 teaspoons of cayenne pepper

Garlic cloves,still in the skin

Large handful of cashew nuts

Fresh coriander,roughly chopped,to serve

Green salad,to serve

Cut onion into sixths. Try only to cut the roots off the bottom and not too much

of the base as this helps to hold the slices together. Slice the courgette and the peppers into rough squares.

Mix the marinade ingredients (oil, honey,lime,cayenne pepper) in a large bowl,then add the vegetables. Add garlic and nuts and mix well. Leave to marinate for as long as possible (20 minutes will do). Preheat the oven to 200C/gas 6.

Place the vegetables on a deep baking tray – make sure they’re evenly spread out and not crammed together. Cover with the marinade and roast for half an hour. If you don’t have a suitable tray,use an ovenproof dish.

While the vegetables are cooking, prepare the cous cous,following the instructions on the packet.

Chop the haloumi into large-ish cubes. About seven minutes before you’re ready to serve,start cooking it in a pan with a small amount of oil over a medium heat. Use a fork to keep turn-

but these things can be used as the basis for a good cheap meal. Use the juice as a sauce for curries,stir fries and pasta dishes and add other bits of veg and you’re laughing on the amount you’ve saved – one tin of value tomatoes is almost a quid cheaper than most ready made sauces.

Onions

Just chopped up and added to almost anything immediately enhances the flavour of any dish you’re cooking.

Rachel Hadfield serves up a delicious treat for you. If you have a favourite recipe, don’t be shy - share!

ing the cubes so they brown evenly. Beware – once they start browning they cook quickly.

Place the cous cous on a plate topped with the vegetables and haloumi. Sprinkle with the fresh coriander and serve with the green salad.

Here’s one I made earlier

Gary Andrews gives Food a peek inside his kitchen cupboards

Everybody has one. You may not know what it is,but you do have one and,according to the research of father and son team Drs James and Peter D’Adamo,it plays a unique role in your internal chemistry to the point where it actually determines everything about you. It determines your susceptibility to illness,which foods you should eat and how you should exercise.

Your blood type.

Unless you donate blood,or have had to have medical treatment, you may be unaware of what type you actually are. You may think that it is virtually irrelevant to your way of life. However,this is not the case. According to Peter D’Adamo,a chemical reaction occurs between your blood and the food that you eat due to the existence of lectins,proteins which are found in all kinds of food. These lectins have agglutinating properties which affect the blood according to whether or not they are actually compatible with your blood type antigen. The Blood Type Diet works on the principle that while certain lectins and,consequently,the foods in which they are

found,are good for you,others are extremely bad. With this in mind,it sets down which foods you can eat and which foods you can not. There is no calorie counting,no starvation. In fact, you are encouraged to eat as much of the foods that are good for you as you can,as long as you stay away from those which are not.

The individualised diet solution to staying healthy,living longer and achieving your ideal weight

Each of the four blood types requires different kinds of food,providing the reason why a diet may work wonders for your friend,but not for you. However,the point of the Blood Type Diet is not just to lose weight. Rather,by following it you stand to improve your general health to the point where you can avoid many common viruses and infections to which you were previously prone and avoid developing life-threatening illnesses to which your blood type makes you more susceptible. Relatively simple to follow,with the pay-off of staying healthy,living longer and achieving your ideal weight with results promised within as little as two weeks,the Blood Type Diet makes perfect sense.

What’s your type?

TYPE O dates from the appearence of our Cro-magnon ancestors around in around 40,000 BC.

Type Os should eat meat,cut out wheat and most other grains,and engage in vigorous aerobic exercise.

TYPE A initially appeared somewhere in Asia or the Middle East between 25,000 and 15,000 BC.

Type As should be vegetarian,engage in gentle exercise such as yoga and meditate to deal with stress.

TYPE B developed in the area of the Himalayan highlands,which are now part of Pakistan and India,between 15,000 and 10,000 BC.

Type Bs should have a varied diet including meat and dairy products and engage in moderate exercise such as swimming or walking.

TYPE AB originated around 1,000 years ago due to the intermingling of Type A Caucasians and Type B Mongolians.

Type ABs have a combination of the benefits and intolerances of types A and B,and should engage incalming exercise and relaxation techniques.

In the blood

With the Atkin’s Diet hitting the headlines and dividing the media, Jane Eyre explores a different kind of diet - the D’Adamo Blood Type Diet

42 Going out

Planning a big night out? We at Quench have made it easy for you - just check out our page for the latest info and reviews on the pubs,clubs and restaurants in Cardiff.

KISMETINDIANCUISINE

24 City Road, Roath 02920 481665

If you want a cheap,quality Indian meal that’s on your doorstep,Kismet is the place to go. All you need is a membership card (available from reception) and you will get a starter,main dish,rice and a naan bread of your choice - all for the bargain price of five quid! What more could you need (or be able to fit in your stomach)? The service is generally friendly but at busy times don’t expect much attention or even a chat.

However,if you have a big appetite, you would probably think the main dish is on the small size. Trust us,though: the meal would fill an empty stomach easily. Drinks aren’t included in the deal but at £1.25 for half a pint of coke,they’re not too expensive.

For a relaxed get-together,Kismet is a good change from the regular student hangouts. Definitely a fiver well spent!

Jenny Duxbury and

Lisa Walkley

a feeling of been there,done that.

It’s free to get in before 10pm, although it doesn’t really get going until 11pm onwards and still only costs £1. Be prepared to expect long queues from midnight,though.

Love it or hate it,Jumpin’ Jaks is back for another term of cheap drinks, cheesy music and foolish fun. No doubt you all know someone who’s a fan and swears blind that you’ll love it, honest!

Thursday night is school disco night with “high school hits” and you’re invited to grab your old school tie and relive your younger years. Probably more appealing to freshers who’ll love the chance to dress up and misbehave but second and third years will perhaps get

Drinks are cheap,too: a whole bucket of “skool pop” is only £4,although some of the flavours appear decidedly dodgy. Bottles are £1.75,doubles with mixers £2 and shooters are two for £1.50.

You can expect cheesy tunes,wacky live bands and lame dancers as an added bonus. However with all the cheap drink that’s on offer you’ll soon forget about what exactly it is you’re dancing to and probably end up doing the conga,the YMCA and singing your very own version of Like AVirgin - and that’s no bad thing! Katy Davies 116 Salisbury Road,Roath 02920 388447

Nestled deep in the alcoholic den that is the student heartland of Cathays, the newly opened Bistro 116 aims to provide a haven of sophistication. Bistro offers warm and friendly dining amidst soft pastel décor and flickering candlelight. The service is quick and

full of smiles.

The diversity of the menu is shown by dishes ranging from steak and chips to curries to a Chinese platter; a pic’n’mix assortment of all the food outlets on Salisbury Road. Food is of a good standard and,although nothing is exceptional,it is cheap by restaurant standards and well presented.

This is in part the key to Bistro’s success; the food is more or less standard Cathays grub,but it is served in such a way that fools customers into thinking they’re in a swanky restaurant.

This is a great place for a romantic meal for two,somewhere nice to take your parents or simply the perfect place to treat yourself if you can’t get a date and your parents hate you.

Doctor Proctor

Got any favourite pubs, clubs or restaurants you think we should all know about? Why not bring us your review or send us there to review it for you! Email grmagazine@cf.ac.uk

Next week, we reviewThe Social, among others!

JUMPIN’ JAKS

BISTRO 116

Photos:Gemma Griffiths

Respect in retrospect

Erotica Maverick/Sire (1992)

Conventional wisdom has it that Erotica heralded Madonna’s lost years,six years of MOR balladry and ill-advised incursions into Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. Conventional wisdom is,however,dead wrong: Erotica remains the apotheosis of her pop-myth ambition.

On one level,it’s an extended theatrical discourse on the dichotomy between Madonna’s public and artistic personae: it dissects the shameless sexuality of her 1980s hussy incarnation in a burlesque style while simultaneously dragging it into explicitly dark,disturbing territory. In the guise of S&M dominatrix,Madonna gives every sexual taboo an airing: she’ll “take you from behind”,she’ll show you “a different kind of kiss”, she’ll reiterate that love has to hurt. With pleasure comes pain: this is the subtext of Erotica. Sadomasochism,sexualised club culture, emotional commitment: Madonna uses the word ‘hurt’ in all of these contexts,and sometimes she isn’t turned on by it. Bad Girl,possibly her most accomplished ballad,concludes devastatingly: “what happens now? I know I don’t deserve you/ I wonder how I’m ever gonna hurt you” Deeper And Deeper explodes into sexual freedom in a riot of ecstatic melody and pumping house beats,but its minor key resolutions presage the shellshocked grief of In This Life,mourning a friend’s Aids-related death.

Even ignoring its compelling themes, Erotica remains stellar: on a musical level,it’s at once seductive and perturbing. Alternating between femme fatale whispers and subtle harmonies,Madonna herself has never sounded so at home in her surroundings,delivering her lines over lush textures and soft-as-silk beats with glacial aplomb. This is music to luxuriate in,as decadent and dissolute as its singer used to be. Alex Macpherson

SONS AND LOVERS PI

DHLawrence

Penguin Books (1913)

DH Lawrence is a writer whom people love to hate. Overly emotional,melodramatic and sex-filled (who’s complaining?) are words used to describe his novels. He is,after all,the author of the notorious Lady Chatterley’s Lover,a book that was banned after its publication in England and America due to its steamy scenes.

It is an earlier work,however,which was most highly acclaimed in his lifetime,and which established his reputation as one of Britain’s most accomplished writers. Sons And Lovers was published when Lawrence was just 27,and the author’s youth shows in his passionate depiction of a young man’s early life. That man’s name is Paul Morel,and the novel traces him growing up with a distant miner father and a mother with whom he has an abnormally close relationship.

Entwined with this are the stories of his relationships with two girls,Miriam and Clara – yes,cue the bed hopping. There’s not a heaving bosom to be found in this novel,however; its depiction of its working class mining town setting is a superlative example of 20th century realism. Similarities to Lawrence’s own life mean that the family bonds are intensely felt,as is Paul’s transition from childhood and adolescence to young adulthood. This novel is,among other things,about the conflict between the agricultural past and the industrial future,men and women in the early 20th century, and the complexities of life and death. The writing is beautiful,emotional,and utterly worthy of the title of ‘modern masterpiece’. Read it and see. And did I mention the sex?

Katy Read

Dir:Darren Aronofsky (1998)

Few debut directors tackle themes as ambitious as complex mathematical theory,religious myth and the search for God. Darren Aronofsky,however, pulls no punches in his startling first feature. Pi is a barrage of visual flair and frightening ideas,and is unlike anything you’ll have seen before.

It focuses on Max Cohen,a maths genius on the verge of a breakthrough. Plagued by headaches and hallucinations,he lives in a nightmarish world of paranoia and fear. His only means of coping with the madness around him is by mapping and deriving formulae from patterns he observes in nature,searching for a mathematical solution that will find order in this chaos. In doing so,he stumbles across a mysterious 216digit number of overwhelming significance.

Pi turns out to be truly disturbing; who would have thought that was possible from a film about maths? Aronofsky combines frenetic editing with disorientating hand-held camerawork capturing Max’s terrifying reality at first hand; as a result,the film has a claustrophobia and furious pace which unsettle the viewer,dragging them along for the ride.

Unorthodox in every sense of the word, Pi’s unique style and subject matter are ultimately why it demands repeat viewing and why it has become such a cult favourite in a short period of time; this is scarier than a thousand teen-scream horrors. Aronofsky has recently been courted by Hollywood - for a Batman movie no less - but it’s difficult to see how films as dazzling and original as Pi could ever come out of the Hollywood mainstream. John Hopkins

MADONNA

A date with fate?

We sent two singleton students looking for romance for a fab candle lit dinner at

Girl’s profile

Name: Dawn Shewell

Age: 20

Studying: Accountancy and Management

Dawn on Mike:

What were your first impressions of Mike?

He seemed really “nice” and looked smart. Generally good!

How was the date?

Really,really good! There were no silent pauses and we were getting on well. Were there any awkward or funny moments?

No,no funny moments.

Will you swap phone numbers? Yeah,we probably will.

Will you go out afterwards? Yeah,we’re going out for a drink. Are you going to meet up again?

I don’t know! Kiss? Anything more? Pass.

Describe the date in three words.

Better than expected!

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle

Guy’s profile

Name: Mike Rabjohns

Age: 22

Studying: Engineering

Mike on Dawn:

What were your first impressions of Dawn? Wow!

How was the date? It was really good and really enjoyable. Were there any awkward or funny moments?

Yeah,a few but we agreed not to say! It was cool though.

Will you swap phone numbers? Hopefully.

“He talks a good game”

Drugs - a term that has collected much mileage on its maligned journey around society,earning condemnation and disgruntled looks from spying eyes behind twitching curtain blinds on every street in the country. But take this provocative little word and dangle it into the world of sport and the atomic makeover will obliterate anyone foolish enough to be caught in its fallout.

Careers formed through long years of arduous training,dedication and commitment are destroyed by one positive sample. A contaminated pot of piss can outweigh the value of a lifetime’s achievement,purging far more than medals from the ostracised cheats as dignity, pride and respect are all stripped and held up for public ridicule.

There are no happy endings for those who find themselves at an inquest charged with explaining to the world why they have cheated sport.

The moment the stoned face of drugs emerges and spits in the eyes of those who uphold the integrity and common decency of sport,the entire population simultaneously don a wig and black hood,pass sentence and swing their moral axe at the condemned. Multitudes of skeletons are dumped into the mass graves that we call closets and packed away,as we privilege ourselves to judge the fallen stars.

So is the future going to be bright for shamed England defender Rio Ferdinand,who has caught the full blow of one these stray axes? His crime:

The drugs don’t work

missing a routine drug test and incriminating himself to an ever-suspicious public.

The back and front pages alike have become a forum on his fate,plotting punishments and charting the downfall of one of the country’s finest talents with a medieval severity. No one dares to protect the accused with the passion he defended his country in countless internationals,but instead they are more inclined to forget the phrase that must have made numerous darting runs around his conscience,“innocent until

“Drug cheats must not be tolerated, and their mere existence puts an irremovable stain on the moral fabric of sport”

proven guilty”.

Forget it. “Send him to the tower” is the attitude of moral hypocrites,many of whom reside at Lancaster Gate,headquarters to the power-mad English Football Association.

Drug cheats must not be tolerated, and their mere existence puts an irremovable stain on the moral fabric of sport,however,a miscarriage of justice and the subsequent execution of a star’s profile is an equally heinous crime.

European 200m champion Doug Walker was one of Britain’s finest prospects prior to his suspension in 1998 after testing positing positive for the banned steroid nandrolone. Despite the upheaval of this decision the following year,no heartfelt apologies from the IAAF could compensate for the irreversible damage that his career had endured,and duly British Athletics said goodbye to a medal winner.

Ditto Mark Richardson. One of the few men on the planet with the acco-

Sports writer of the year Riath AlSamarrai on drugs

lade of having beaten legend Michael Johnson over a distance of 400m,the Commonwealth silver medallist also tested positive for nandrolone,but by the time the conviction was overturned his career had long since moved on.

The IAAF empower themselves with the ability to destroy promising careers that have taken lifetimes to flourish,and act with full brutality to avoid a repeat of the Ben Johnson saga.

When Johnson cheated his way to a 100m gold medal at the 1988 Seoul Olympic Games,drawing worldwide hatred and reproach,irrespective of the magnificent talent that lay beneath the deception his career was finished and the world of sport has been apprehensive since.

Sadly the FA flanked by FIFA are following suit,and Ferdinand’s brilliant ability may become forgotten or ignored as society wield their moral axe and take another swing.

The FA must loosen their pessimistic grip on the game and allow Rio the opportunity to defend himself,not throw him to the kangaroo courts that govern this country.

At present expensive suits,fat pay cheques and general incompetence are in abundance at Lancaster Gate,though quality centre-halves are not and the FA must be very careful before they cut Ferdinand down without a fair trial. And judging the state of British Athletics,they may wish to select better role models.

Richardson: innocent victim

my leg hurts

What is the cause of the depressing trend,seemingly ingrained into global consciousness,that intellect and emotion are mutually exclusive? Well,‘Christianity’ would be the short answer,and I’m sure Rene Descartes has something to do with it. But I’m not attacking mind/body dualism,for the moment at least. Our concern here is this idiotic cliché of elevating the heart to something other than a piece of meat that pumps blood around the circulatory system,as exemplified by the revolting drivel of My Heart Will Go On. Old expressions such as “home is where the heart is” refer not to sentimentalism but the central role of keeping the body alive – no matter how many electrical signals the brain gives out,if there’s no blood then it’s goodnight Vienna. The point is that human beings are unified entities,and we no more think with our heads and feel with our hearts than we see with our kneecaps and shit through our eyelids. So enough of these style-magazine ‘therapy’ sections and their talk of ‘body and soul’,peddling lifestyle alternatives which offer nothing but a different shade of pastel in which to clothe one’s already decaying body. If you’re going to believe in the existence of the soul,at least ask yourself a few ques-

tions about this belief. If anything,the manufacturers of greetings cards are evidence that we are born,and then we die,and no-one determines our destiny but ourselves. Life before death? Let’s give it a go.

Parts of gair rhydd have been getting bizarrely Nietzschean,or so it would seem. A column claims that fighting elitism is a liberal notion. The problem is that elitism is itself at the very heart of the liberal idea,especially in the parts of it inherited from the Calvinist morality of the protestant work ethic – god rewards the blessed with prosperity,and all that. And thus a secular version of this appeared during the Enlightenment,the first flourish of the liberal/bourgeois axis. Free trade policies,the most elitist things around,are almost the final expression of the liberal project. And neo-liberal economics is the modern equivalent of empire-building,whereby one enslaves a country’s people by ‘legal’ means - well,most of the time you don’t have to send in an army,or even declare war. Yup,imperialism is still up and running,making lives miserable all around the world,twenty-four seven. Only now,with people not being too keen on the old “nice country,let’s take it” approach (not after that Hitler business,anyway),economic domi-

nance is justified by business interests,so it’s okay. Hmm. Imperialists have now realised that all the “sun never sets on British soil” stuff was more hassle than it was worth,what with oppressed people making all those demands about self-determination and freedom – you know,the stuff that only us free citizens of Blighty enjoy. After all,it’s easier to run a sweatshop than wage a war of conquest. Talk to the organ grinder,not his monkeys. And if the only way to get what you want is throughconflict,then for God’s sake at least pretend that you’re waging a war of liberation.

On a lighter note,you will be glad to learn that my left leg has been hurting me quite a bit. I think it’s just a sprained muscle,but with any luck it’s a trapped nerve. This might be a whole new stage in my physical collapse,speeding up the process as it slows me down. I’ll keep you posted, kiddiewinks!

Friedrich Nietzsche writes: Hey! Stop using my name to describe things! I was a fierce critic of Bismark’s Reich and the anti-semitism that went with it. I urge all of you to ignore this festering vestigial tail of gair rhydd!

Your Horoscopes with Madame Cynthia

Libra

(Sep 23 - Oct 23) Why must you turn my office into a house of lies? From the looks of that halfeaten king size pie,that fucker Russell Grant’s been in here. You’re gonna get such a caning,boyo,that you’ll wish I had used my strap-on the other day.

Scorpio

(Oct 23 - Nov 22) Your rulers,Mars,Saturn and Bob Hope,decide to abdicate,leaving you in a senseless,endless void. Just kidding! That’s where you’ve always been,you suppurating advert for contraception.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) As the boys from Secret Service continue to torture you,take consolation in the fact that you never actaully joined al-Qaeda. I’m sure that in time,your tormentors will realise this,and then everything will be all right,won’t it?

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)

“Quit drinking? Never!” That’s what you’ll give to those naysayers,right before they receive the beating of their lives in the car park. Imagine your surprise when,on closer inspection,they turn out to be the

Aquarius

(Jan 21 - Feb 18) An apology. Last week’s entry was mistaken. What it should have read was “ooh ee oo-ah-ah, twang twang,walla-walla bing-bong”. I’m so, so sorry.

Pisces

(Feb19 - Mar 20) An old friend makes a significant reentry into your life this week. By the way,for ‘friend’,read ‘steamroller’.

Aries

(Mar 21 - Apr 20) Actually, you can ignore last week’s advice. According to my friend across the pond,muttonchops are so summer,so that moustache will buck the trend. You go,girl!

Taurus

(Apr 21 - May 21) Whilst most of us like rice pudding,we don’t go to the lengths of robbing pensioners and holding up garages just so that we can cram some more of that sweet,sweet goo into our flabby faces. That’s where you come in.

Gemini

(May 22 - June 22)

There’ll be trouble on Tuesday when your landlady finds that

stash of ‘medicines’. The drug-fuelled bender on which she embarks pesuades her that money is not the sole objective of life,and that she doesn’t need the income from houseletting. You’ll be out on your arse by the end of the week,bubba.

Cancer

(June 22 - July 22) You don’t seem to be able to understand life,merely drifting around in a haze,whilst others achieve their goals with grace and precision. Don’t worry. You’re stupid,that’s all.

Leo

(July 23 - Aug 23) Oh my dears,where did our love go? There he is,crawling as fast as possible,dragging his shattered and useless legs behind him. If we hurry we can catch up with him before he drowns himself.

Virgo

(Aug 24 - Sep 22) Keep your eyes peeled for a dark stranger next Thursday. This is the person who will try to save you from a fate worse than death. Unfortuately for you,death alone is quite good enough for him.

Madame Cynthia’s picture does not appear this issue as she hates the pleading gaze of your idiotic eyes.

Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald. Well done! You deserve a drink.