Quench Issue 5 - 17 Nov 2003

Travel

OneTrick Pony discuss body art

Debate get heated up over Princess Diana

Let Derren Brown manipulate you in Interviews

Travel find new ways to get around

Features explore the Aids epidemic in Africa

Food get cheap and visit Hypervalue

Fashion prepare themselves for the ball season

Music kiss The Flaming Lips

Arts are amused by Dave Gorman

Lex’s Law

The MTVEurope Music Awards show was a generally uninspiring spectacle. Held in Edinburgh for the first and presumably last time,it utterly failed to take advantage of pop’s current musical and cultural pre-eminence. Beyoncé looked crazed with ambition, the increasingly haggard Kylie’s plastic surgery has evidently failed to pay off, and even Justin seems to have let himself go. Let’s not mention Vin Diesel.

There was one star,though,who was not only undimmed but positively luminous. Christina Aguilera is officially the new Madonna,and her stellar turn as hostess was a solidification of her status,undeniable proof that she owns the territory she’s been staking out for the past year.

From her stunning opening gambitbacked by a church choir singing Dirrty, Xtina entered wearing a nun’s habit and wimple,which she then proceeded to strip off - to the flashes of self-deprecating wit she displayed throughout the ceremony,Aguilera showed herself to be that rarest of creatures,a genuinely self-aware,intelligent pop star who’s actually interested in pushing cultural and aesthetic boundaries.

DC Gates: a voice of rust in a world of tin

Executive editor Tristan Thomas Quench editor Alex Macpherson

Arts Lizzie Brown,Rachel Pegum Blind Date Kerry-Lynne Doyle Books Maria Thomas Columnists Riath Al-Samarrai,DCGates Debate Jessica Webb Digital Gareth Lloyd,Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Caroline Ellis,Bex Singleton

Features Victoria Corbett,Rhys James Film Mat Croft Food Jane Eyre,Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Katy Davies,Jenny Duxbury,Lisa Walkley

Interviews Rob Plastow Music Jamie Fullerton,Anthony Lloyd One Trick Pony James Anthony,Holly Howitt-Dring,Janine Jones Photography Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund Travel Tim Clark,Laura Tovey

Contributors Sarah Ahmad,Gary Andrews,Matt Aplin,Josie Beckett,Sam Coare,Greg Cochrane,Sarah Cummins,Andrew Davidson,Jason Draper,Craig Driver,Liz Field,Stephanie Fuller,Laura Gamble,Katie George,Luke Grahame,Debbie Green,Chris Griffin,Jon Griffiths, Dave Jennings,Gareth DKingdon,Emma Langley,Perri Lewis,Andy Lightfoot,Eleri Lloyd,Polly March,Andy Parsons,Hannah Perry,Cassidy Phillips,Florina Schwander,Natalie Slater, Nathalie Southall,Chris Stevens,Rob Telford,Ruth Truslove,Matthew Viney,Tim Vizard,Trina Wallace,John Widdop,Ben Wright Illustrators and photographers Tim Alban,Catharine Collingridge,Charlotte Howells,Tahir Shah,Simon Shoulders,Wilco Stekkinger Proof readers Elaine Morgan,Alys Southwood

Her ability to manipulate her image at will - on full display at the ceremony, thanks to her innumerable costume changes - is key. Madonna reinvented herself time and again during the 1980s,but Xtina’s gone through the whole spectrum of personae in just one year. Skanky pit-fighting crack ho,sexually empowered feminist,vulnerable and bruised friend of the freaks,gothic angst queen; Aguilera’s determination and - dare we say it? - talent enables her to convince in each guise.

It takes a stupendous amount of ego to even attempt what Xtina’s done; to pull it off is simply magnificent. Leaving pretenders such as Britney and Pink trailing,to call her the most important pop star alive is no understatement. All hail. Alex Macpherson

One Trick Pony

AAmber Duval Amber Duval

One Trick Pony is primarily maintained by: James Anthony Assisted by: Janine Jones Guest starring: TVHolly

Sex laws for the jilted generation

Sex laws for

Amber explains exactly why Wednesday afternoons should always be kept free for,ahem, sport

normal Wednesday: two bottles of tepid Lambrini,shortly followed by Bar Risa. The place is positively dripping with testosterone. Masculinity that was previously restricted to Rubber Duck has entered the city centre,and been unleashed on the poor unsuspecting townsfolk.

As I try (and fail) to navigate the knicker-flashing staircase and observe the sweaty pit below,I wonder just what it is which allows sportsmen their knicker-liquefying notoriety?’

It’s something many of us have experienced: the self-absorption,the fickle attention - only given by one of Cardiff’s sporting ‘elite’.

Having been the one-time girlfriend of such a specimen,one of us was particularly outspoken: “You are forced into feeling satisfied because of the long bench of ‘subs’ waiting to be signalled onto the pitch to replace you.”

Sexual assertiveness (and gratification) is not something expected of a footballer’s wife. Blowjobs,however, are. Giving head is mandatory,but

never expect reciprocation - it will be sadly lacking.

Playing away from home is also a common complaint of the footballer’s wife. The ‘what goes on tour stays on tour’ philosophy includes nights out, lectures,football “practice” etc.,and the wife will never find out.

Rest assured that while their better halves swap haircare tips in the ladies’ room,one of their number will be experiencing the skilful attack of a seasoned player - one of whom boasted to have slept with the equivalent of the Ladies’ Netball A team,presumably while continuing to satisfy his girlfriend’s conveniently low libido.

The fact that sportsmen hunt in packs adds to their mystique. Even the most basic humour and asinine wit sparkles when in the company of even more morose team-mates.

Exceptions are few. If you ever want to see any sexual satisfaction,though, be sure to ask him whether his position requires him to give ‘headers’ to more than the ball.

Last week showed you how irritate your pussy (and I don’t mean woolly underwear). Giddy from a newfound sense that we may actually be imparting knowledge,OTP brings you:

Gendered Shower Rules:

Female

1. Walk to bathroom in dressing gown. Avoid boyfriend/girlfriend/ housemates.

2. Examine self in mirror,stick out belly,complain about how fat you are.

3. Wash hair with cucumber shampoo (with 87 added vitamins). Wash hair again. Use aloe conditioner.

4. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini-line but decide to get it waxed instead.

5. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in second towel. Clean off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Dettox.

Male

1. Walk to bathroom naked. If you see boyfriend/girlfriend/housemates, shake your chap at them,and go "woo!"

2. Admire size of penis in mirror, scratch yourself and sniff fingers.

3. Shampoo hair (no conditioner). Make shampoo Mohawk.

4. Pull back shower curtain and look at self in mirror. Taking a whiz in the shower at this point is optional.

5. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off. Ignore water on floor because you left the curtain hanging outside the bath. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Anyone who furnishes One Trick Pony with more than the most cursory of glances will realise that it’s not meant to be taken seriously, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be serious on occasion. James Anthony sheds some light on counter-culture S e x i e s t @ O n e T r i c k . c o . u k

The tattoo gallery in OTP is an important addition in more ways than you may realise. At face value, it seems just another gimmick – fill the first few pages of a magazine with pretty pictures and easy-toread text. However,my decision to include it is also motivated by a strong desire to have body art (and body modification in general) accepted as a valid part of culture. Body modification is little understood outside the realms of aesthetics; many of you may have pierced earlobes,or perhaps a small decorative tattoo. This is barely even the tip of an iceberg with a long and turbulent history. Ancient civilisations (particularly the Egyptians) practised pigmented scarring in rites that were deeply significant both in religious and cultural terms. While this was previously considered a chiefly pagan domain,there is now evidence that Christians were also tattooed – the Crusaders were scarred with the image of the cross in the hope that the permanent marks would ensure a proper burial.

One of the many reasons tattooing has an unstable relationship with the mainstream is the misinterpretation of Biblical passages such as Leviticus 19:28,which states: "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh… nor print any marks upon you." However, Leviticus is an Old Testament book of laws. This passage is now thought to refer to Jews distancing themselves from pagan burial rituals,rather than a doctrine forbidding tattoos. Despite this,many missionaries to countries such as New Zealand,Borneo and Papua New Guinea virtually eradicated the tribal practices of facial and bodily tattooing.

I expressed an interest in tattoos at an early age,and upon mentioning this to my mother was greeted with the classic response of "you’ll never get a job if you get them". Which at the time was probably more valid than it is now. Or is it? I was once declined employment because I refused to shave off my beard; company policy stated that

facial hair was forbidden. I have a number of tattoos,the amount is growing steadily,and I expect to have heavy coverage by my mid-thirties. But I am lucky enough to be in full time education – what happens when I leave the cosy confines of this liberal,“non-conformist” establishment?

Tattoos have come a long way, but what kind of rights do employers have to govern the appearance of their workers? Ideally,it should be a case of the best man (or woman) for the job,but I wonder whether someone less qualified than myself would be chosen because of their more ‘vanilla’ appearance. I don’t have any tattoos that would not be covered up by a long-sleeved shirt – ie none on my hands,neck or face. Is this because I don’t want them there,or because of fear of societal judgement?

At its most basic level,the issue here is whether any person or group of people has the right to dictate to others how to express themselves. That is,providing that person is of sound mind,harming no one else,and not doing any lasting physical or mental damage to themselves. Sadly,we live in a society which judges on appearances for a myriad number of reasons that would fill an entire dissertation,let alone an opinion column.

My tattoos are aesthetically pleasing to me,but they also carry meaning. One should not enter into what is essentially a surgical process with permanent results lightly. This is why many tattoo experiences are sadly tinged with regret. There is a fine line between getting an art form such as this accepted,and it not being taken seriously enough.

I’m always delighted if people wish to express themselves in original ways – our differences are there to be celebrated,not mocked or denigrated. If you do decide to get a tattoo or are considering one,put some thought into it,make it unique and relevant,and enjoy the experience as something ultimately inspirational.

Yuck. The onslaught continues… To be honest; this tirade of ugliness is partly to mask a lack of time and inclination on my part. I’ve had (and continue to have) uni work up the yin-yang for the last month,and it shows no signs of abating. These fine examples of humanity will continue to grace these pages,causing fear and loathing in those of a nervous disposition.

Ifanyone thinks they’re damn fine,or knows someone who is, send us an email saying so,and we’ll arrange a photoshoot. OTP will even supply the digital camera. Otherwise,I shall continue to subvert this concept for my own ends – although God only knows what I stand to gain from this offence to even the lowest standards of taste and decency…

One Trick Pony’s Paranormal Activities

One Trick Pony goes a bit mental,with TV Holly’s tale of... well,words escape me really. Just when you thought it was safe,and Halloween was over - we drag you back into Scaresville, population: YOU.

I have heard it on good authority that a young maid,aged on the cusp of paedo-ravage,was raped by a ghost when she was just a lass. The thirteen year-old claimed that when the lights went out,the lascivious spectre would climb inside her Britney duvet and dance the sex dance of spooks. She added that

he lived in her wardrobe and,when dark,plied her full of ghoulish jism till satisfied. So,in case you are suffering from such lusty phantasms,here is a cut-out-and-keep picture of Christina. Think of it as a protective charm if you will. Even a sex-starved spook wouldn’t go near her. (Although I would - JA.)

Overheard

"Man has no right to kill his brother.It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder."

Percy Bysshe Shelley

"The media's the most powerful entity on earth.They have the power to make the innocent guilty and to make the guilty innocent,and that's power.Because they control the minds of the masses."

Malcolm X

Remember that video footage of the ‘heroic’ US soldiers rescuing the damsel in distress from those evil Iraqi forces? Now recovered,the young lady has turned whistle-blower,condemning the Pentagon for manipulating her story for their own ends. It had been claimed that Private Lynch had been shot, but had kept fighting until she was out of ammo. She has now revealed that she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time,and that her gun had jammed: "I did not shootnot a round,nothing. I went down praying on my kneesthat’s the last thing I remember." Various other "facts" such as a medical report suggesting that she was raped have also been discredited:Lynch says that there was no mistreatment,and in fact one nurse used to sing her to sleep. Anything seems to pass for truth in America,which is not surprising considering that this country gave us Tinseltown, the Patriot Act,and the democratic right not to choose your own dictator.

Let’s get one thing straight. The first Matrix movie is one of the greatest films of all time. The second one is bearable,but the fight scenes went on too long and for some reason it turned into a sub-MTV Rave/Neo AndTrinity porn video halfway through. The second film redeems itself for the stupefyingly brilliant freeway scenes,and that tidy blonde piece creaming her knickers over a piece of cake. But there is no defence - and I mean not a smidgen of an excuse - for the mindless tripe that is the third installment. This is pure unmitigated ass-juice from start to finish,and I fear that I may have a coronary thrombosis if I get started on the feeble, confusing ending. Thank you Wachowskis,for utterly ruining what should have been the best trilogy since the Holy Trinity (no pun intended) of Star Wars,episodes IV to VI.

Awww,bless. This week,we have mostly been watching... Cui Cui. Apparently,he now has a friend as well. First person to spot Cui Cui’s mate wins,erm,some cinema tickets or something. We’ll work something out. OTP have connections – scary connections. This fine example of the bird-of-the-moment was caught once again in Cathays. My secret Cui Cui sources also tell me that the little blighter is about to become legit as well,so hopefully we’ll be able to get some decent shots without looking dodgier than Del Boy’s camel jacket.

Dragons,or ddraig goch. Proud symbol of my country,and staple element of both Tolkien and tattoo artist’s portfolios. This one belongs to One Trick Pony’s very own Janine Jones (third year, Journalism).

It’s a back piece inked by Mandy,formerly of The Golden Apple in Worcester,and took about two hours to complete.

If you think beauty is skin deep and would like to see your tattoos featured here,email us at IAmInked@OneTrick.co.uk.

Princess Diana Debate 8

Lady Diana Spencer:the People’s Princess or just a power hungry aristocrat?

Laura Gamble FOR Jessica Webb AGAINST

Is there anything negative that can be said about Princess Diana? The first card that most critics throw is that "she had numerous affairs”… blah,blah, blah. Need I waste my breath in defending her from this allegation?

“Marriage is a wonderful union between two soul mates that are blissfully in love and cannot bear to live without one another” - after vomiting over this sickly image,just think about Princess Diana and Charles. Anybody not flying high on dope will be aware that it was all just one big scam. The royal family were probably just sick of having six fingered offspring so they ventured beyond the realms of their own family tree.

Enter Lady Spencer. Though not working class by any stretch of the imagination,at least these two crazy lovebirds weren’t related. No wonder Diana had an affair. She was practically forced into an arranged marriage by her power-hungry relatives and then left with the reality that she had to spend the rest of her life married to the most boring and unattractive man since the Duke of Edinburgh. (Do I detect a pattern emerging here?) Any sane person would have bolted and catapulted themselves into the arms of a dashingly handsome rugby player!

If this isn’t enough,I’d now like to draw your attention back to the numerous hours of charity work. It’s not often that the rich and famous seem to genuinely care about this sort of stuff,but she had that quality. Compare this relaxed image to that of her dearly beloved spouse! Whenever Charles ventures into public,he appears to insert a pole up his arse,which is soon joined by a dodgy tie and an annoying accent. Will someone please explain why he’s not in chick magazines along with Trousersnake? The imagination would run wild…

The truth is,of course,that Princess Diana was simply out of his league. The only positive consequence of this disastrous union is Wills. The first royal heart-throb since Henry VIII (well,he loved and loathed six wives,if that counts),and the only glimmer of hope for the monarchy! His mother outclassed the whole Windsor clan in almost every respect and remains the bane of their lives due to her popularity.

.

Princess Diana shot to global stardom after her fairytale (and rather beneficial) marriage to her very own Prince Charming. Call me cynical,but didn’t it occur to anyone that perhaps this might have been a relationship destined for Jerry Springer? Camilla the horse/woman had already stolen Charles’ heart while Lady Diana Spencer was seduced by the idea of being his future Queen… come on,most of us would do it. Don’t lie,ladies. Older husbands have swiftly become quite a fashionable trend among gold diggers - sorry,womensuch as Heather McCartney,Penny Lancaster and Anna Nicole Smith.

The fact thatCharlie gets ripped apart by the easily influenced general public is starting to slightly irritate me. Why can’t the media,along with all of those sycophantic Diana fans,just leave him alone? His work for numerous charities is ignored as it takes a back seat to his relationship with Camilla. What is so bad about the woman? She may not be the epitome of beauty and elegance but let’s get a foot in reality; has anyone taken a glance at Charles recently? People like to think that they are modern and forward-thinking,yet are unable to accept his choice of partner. I strongly recommend that these losers go back to their Times crossword and embroidery.

More importantly,let’s move on to the highly controversial topic of Diana’s turbulent love life. The nation seems to have accepted an embellished image of Camilla as the scarlet whore destroying the perfect marriage. However,let’s not forget that the angelic and long-suffering Princess managed to while away the lonely hours in the company of Will Carling and James Hewitt. At this point it’s probably best not to mention the extraordinary similarities between Hewitt and the all-smoking, all-drinking dopehead known as Prince Harry.

What do you think of when I utter the ridiculous words "conspiracy theory"? Some weird loner who spends their life on even weirder web sites trying to convince the world that Neil Armstrong didn’t land on the moon,Elvis is alive and working in Burger King and that evil Queen Elizabeth snuffed out Di? Please quit while you’re ahead! Didn’t it occur to them that perhaps it was an unfortunate and tragic accident? Don’t get me wrong; I’m not anti-Diana. But it would be nice to have both sides of the story reported and to leave her memory alone.

master of mind control,Derren Brown Mastermind

Rob Plastow meets

up with the

Magic and mind tricks,shooting himself in the head and astonishing posh gits at parties. Just how does he do it and how does he get away with it? I wanted to know if there was anything I could learn from him,but would he tell me anything or just read my mind? Would it be me asking the questions or would Derren crawl into my mind as if I were John Malkovich and use me like a puppet? I hoped not.

Did you always know what you were getting for Christmas,or evading detentions?

I was a very good liar and a revoltingly charming child. But I don’t believe it’s a natural talent or anything like that. It’s all about working at it. I suppose it’s like playing the piano. You can’t sit down and start playing,and become a concert pianist within half an hour. Sure,you need to be the right sort of person,but you also have to practice an enormous amount to get there. You studied law at Bristol University, but gave it up to follow magic. Did you have to go on to any further study to learn how to control minds for a living?

I started studying as a hypnotist, doing bits of stage hypnosis and also hypnotherapy. And from there,I began to drift into magic,with a view to

bringing the two together in an act. Considering that background,what would you suggest it is that you do for a job?

It’s not really a trade,as such. The thing people tend to call me is a psychological illusionist,but I prefer to avoid labels like that. I suppose I employ a variety of different techniques and approaches to what I do, but it’s mainly a mixture of hypnosis, magic and the power of suggestion. What about the people you do it on? Are there specifically susceptible people that you use all the time because they are psychological pushovers,or can you read us all? People who are very open to the whole idea - ‘responders’ - make very good subjects. But interestingly,the

“I’d go into casinos and come out with pockets full of money” Derren Brown

ones who are even better are the ‘challengers’,those who push against the whole idea of what I do,who are cynical and want to catch me out. Women tend to be more open and interested in the whole thing,whereas men see it as something of a competitive issue. What’s important is that you adapt your act to fit the subject in question. I always tailor my material according to what kind of profile I put together on them. The worst people are those who are interested,but in a detached way,who don’t get emotionally hooked. Like me – I’d be absolutely dreadful!

In one episode of ‘Mind Control’ I noticed you were wooing the ladies with the Jedi mind tricks,does it help you in your personal life?

Mind tricks get you pussy...

I kind of have to switch it off or I’d never have a normal relationship. Yeah,but you must of tried out some mental manoeuvres,to see what you could do?

When I was starting out,I used some of the techniques like I was playing with a new toy. I used to use them when I met women in restaurants. Or I’d go into casinos and come out with pockets full of money. But that’s not the kind of thing I would do now. Priorities change.

Political and passionate,Thea Gilmore is the scourge of the mainstream - yet she has it falling at her feet. Alex Macpherson discovers why

G I R L

A L O U D

"Too many protest singers,not enough protest songs"

Edwyn Collins, A Girl Like You

At 23,Oxford’s Thea Gilmore is the same age as many of the Pop Idol wannabes. She’s part of a generation for which apathy is a way of life,and which has been effectively subdued and alienated from the political process. Gilmore,though,has already found her voice - and it’s one which is strong,unique and ferociously relevant. Railing against the agents of the aforementioned apathy - big business,the dumbed-down mass media, the music industry - she follows in a grand tradition of outsider songwriters (Dylan,Waits,Cohen),delivering caustic observations from a bird’s eye view of humanity,effortlessly making the political personal.

She refuses the tag of ‘protest singer’ ("I’m not really into labels") but nevertheless affirms the necessity of protest songs:

"I think there are a lot of bands out there who’d like to be able to say stuff but just aren’t allowed to. Coldplay being silenced at the Grammies was frightening,and Coldplay aren’t even a particularly outspoken band! But I think it almost means more coming from bands like that; you know people like Neil Young are going to be anti-war,but you don’t expect it of the Dixie Chicks,you don’t expect it of Coldplay."

comical,like the Schwarzenegger election,but being that comical makes it dangerous." On television: "It’s a cliché, but watching Big Brother was such a mind-numbing exercise. It literally numbs minds." On the way she sees her peers sucked into the rat race: "Peoples’ lives are totally mapped out - from the fact that you’re told you really should go to university,then you’re told that when you get there you really should get a student loan,then when you come out of university you’re loaned up to the hilt,so you have to spend the next twelve years of your life paying the bloody thing backyou always end up in the system,constantly feeding and perpetuating it. And it’s so deliberate,a method of control."

Gilmore herself dropped out of school at 16; more intelligent and articulate than most students,she’s walking proof that higher education serves only to further your job prospects,not your knowledge or awareness of the world around you.

Interview

Guardian readers out there. Still,it’s nevertheless remarkable that a girl on a Cheshire-based indie label who’s spent most of her career "biting the hand that feeds me",as she puts it,has been approached by four of the five major labels in the three months since her fifth album Avalanche was released. Gilmore is well aware of the obstacles being unique places in her way, though. The role of the political cynic is not one which is often assigned to female singer-songwriters; as she remarks,"there are acceptable female roles,and it’s difficult to be anything different,especially being a cerebral singer. There seems to be a deep desire to see women on stage locked into their angst,but I try to be wry."

“Peoples’ lives are totally mapped out - you always end up in the system,constantly feeding and perpetuating it.And it’s so deliberate,a method of control”

"I was watching morning TV today,” she exclaims,“and I realised I was watching ad upon ad upon ad targeted at people who are on the dole and have no money: loan companies,card finance companies - it’s shocking,and people don’t realise it’s happening." She pauses for breath before delivering her conclusion: "Advertising - it really does have horns and a red tail."

It’s expected of Gilmore though,a woman who once penned the line "the media mass markets freedom as the ultimate commodity",and she’s eloquent and forthright in obliging. On the state of politics in 2003: "I think it’s just turned into jelly,really - it’s very

Far from being silenced,Gilmore currently has the music industry at her feet. It’s entirely possible that they primarily see her in terms of potential success - though sharp as Vermeer, Gilmore’s melodic folk-rock is also commercially palatable,and there’s a readymade demographic of disillusioned

Given the clarity with which Gilmore sees the world,it’s unsurprising that she also has a firm idea of what she needs to do to succeed in it on her own terms. Her perennial dilemma is the balancing act between mainstream success and anti-mainstream principles, one which she articulates superbly: "Mostof the music industry is so distasteful,and I don’t want to get involved in that at all,but as a musician and as a writer I want to get my music out to the greatest number of people. So yes, I’m going after what we consider the mainstream,or mainstream success, but I’m trying to bring something new to it,and I suppose every little effort to change something will count at the end of the day.”

With Thea Gilmore’s fire and intelligence,it’s hard to see it not counting.

Photo:Anastasia Nylund

A

N I M A L

C H A R M

Gutos Price,of genius psycho-pop wizards SUPER

FURRY ANIMALS,

talks to Jamie Fullerton about mullets,acid,and Nepalese yetis before their heart-stopping Newport gig

So how’s the tour going?

Very well. This is the third night in,so it’s warming up. Yeah,it is pretty special playing Wales. It’s always a good laugh,and we’ve never played Newport before either.

Why are you playing Newport and not Cardiff?

‘Cos we saw this venue (the City Live Arena) and it looked good. There are shockingly bad facilities for seeing bands in Cardiff. There’s nothing like this venue in Cardiff really,which is a shame. It annoys me that I can’t go

“Zabrinski scare me,they’re so good”

and see bands who play in other cities. They play Bristol,but they don’t come to Cardiff ‘cos we haven’t got

the venue.

What other Cardiff bands are you into?

Zabrinski. I think they’re amazing,I really do. There’s loads really,the stuff Boobytrap’s been doing is really positive and it’s given loads of people the opportunity to get their stuff heard. But Zabrinski,yeah,they’re gonna be massive. You see good bands locally and you enjoy them,but Zabrinski scare me,they’re so good. They’re really something else,like. You’re all creeping into your thirties, how long can you go on wearing big trousers and being a bit weird?

As long as it takes man! As long as we stay out of fashion. Do I see us as a bit out of fashion? I like to keep up but,er,I haven’t got myself the Shoreditch mullet yet.

How many kids do you think you’ve got into acid through your music?

Give us a number.

I dunno,I think people,er... I don’t

think people would get into that sort of lifestyle just from one thing. Obviously they’re interested in a lot of different things and it all comes together,and they come to that age where they wanna take acid. So I’ve no idea,and I wouldn’t like to… I don’t think it’s as simple as somebody hearing one record and…

Well you’ve got six to choose from! Haha,yeah,fuckin’ hell! The records

“If bringing five real life yetis on stage is a gimmick… yeah! Bring it on!”

weren’t made on acid. Y’know,everything’s good to listen to on acid,but those records weren’t made on acid. ‘Cos you can’t do anything on acid. Do you see wearing large yeti costumes on stage as a natural progression from wearing large hooded coats indoors?

They’re real yetis. Where did we find them? In Nepal.

That’s not a bit gimmicky is it?

Well,I don’t know. If bringing five real life yetis on stage is a gimmick…yeah! Bring it on!

In search of Shah

Explorer Tahir Shah inspiresTim Clark with his dedication and vigour

Tahir Shah doesn’t simply have adventures; he is adventure. The author of travel books that often beggar belief,Tahir has searched for the birdmen of Peru,cities of gold in the Amazon,and King Solomon’s mines. With this in mind I go to meet him feeling slightly anxious. After all,what do you say to a guy whose novel opens with the line "the trail began at an auction of shrunken heads"?

Luckily for me my anxiety was unfounded. As soon as we met,a brief discussion about the hassles of mobile phones means we’ve already found something in common. We wander out of Piccadilly,and Shah immediately launches into describing his next adventure,a trip to Afghanistan to find the worlds most valuable treasure - valued at over £530 billion.

Following quests such as this usually wouldn’t be considered normal,but that all depends upon your perception of normality. It was intriguing to find a guy who had so much enthusiasm; it wasn’t a case of ‘I almost’,it was a case of ‘I did’.

I sat there in a plush London café and listened in awe as Shah described hitchhiking the length of South America. Regular readers of the Quench travel pages will know about the problems I’ve had reaching Bristol.

He describes with the same vigour how he jumped into the Urubamba river and almost drowned trying to get over some rapids. I ask what he looks for in an expedition team. "All you need is enthusiasm,the sense that you want to do it; that’s the greatest quality. You

In

don’t need people who have experience doing fancy climbing,you can teach people that. You need people who can get up in the morning when it’s pouring down with rain,they’ve got no skin on their feet,worms are crawling out of their thighs,they’ve got Denge fever and they’re still enthusiastic. Those people are quite rare." I mention that there must not be that many adventures left and I’m treated to an instant rebuttal. "No,no of course not! What about the giant sloth of Patagonia? Or the east African cannibals? There’s a lot of that going on right now."

The words Atlantis are raised. Shah stops and ponders,"Actually - one of my friends thinks he’s found that." The biggest thing one of my mates ever found was his house key.

After an hour I felt educated. Shah has to be the closest to a real life Indiana Jones as you will meet and appeals to that little-used part of us which still has spark and passion. He doesn’t make much money from his job, but stresses that he’d rather be up river with 300 Pot Noodles than selling threebedroom semis in Slough. Even if it meant losing the skin off his feet or being encrusted with insects.

I get back on the bus to Cardiff,interview over and tried to sum up his lifestyle. A line from the film Almost Famous ran through my head: "Charlie, you look like shit! That’s good! It’s good to see you living your life!"

Search Of King Solomon’s Mines is published by John Murray Ltd and is out now

Tahir Shah strains under the weight of three bars of Ethiopian gold. Photo:Tahir Shah

Indiana who?

Everyone wants to have unique exploits,but so often end up in the same old places.If you’re determined to go on a real adventure,though, Tim Clark has some tales to get you going

The mystery of the yeti,which means ‘rock animal’,has never been solved. CNN recently reported that authorities in China are investigating appearances of an ape-like creature which startled a group of journalists,and handily left a nine foot wide patch of “foul-smelling,urine-like liquid” on the road near where it was spotted in western China. Living

dodgy footprints,but still people go off into the cold to find the mystical creature. If you can handle the cold and meeting an oversized friend then get yourself to Nepal. Closer to home some fishermen got the shit scared out of them in Northumbria where they sighted an eight foot monster near their pond. Experts have seen it too,and are puzzled. However,it can probably be explained by looking no further than a few miles down the M1 to Newcastle,where apparently the women will grab your pint before making off with a gallon of Newc brown ale and rolling around in mud. (NB:this may not be true, but you never know.)

he greatest lost treasure on earth,the hauled wealth of the Mughal emperors of India,the original Aladdin’s horde,was lost after Delhi was ransacked in 1740 and it was carried off to what is now modern day Afghanistan. Only pieces remain; some of it,such as the Koh-inoor diamond,was nabbed by the Victorians and is now part of the crown jewels. The trail of the remaining treasure has gone cold,though; after in-fighting it was believed to have been taken and hidden in tunnels which criss cross the Afghan wilderness. This is real temple of doom stuff,so get yourself an armed guard, some luck,and before long you could be calling yourself Sultan - though we pretty much doubt it.

You could go to the docks,nab yourself a boat,call yourself captain,and sail off to the West Indies looking for the famous treasures of Wales’ best 18th century

export: pirates,namely Blackbeard, Captian Kidd and Bartholemow Roberts. They amassed great fortunes by pillaging the Portuguese,Spanish and any poor sod who happened to get in their way. Though doubtful,the tales of “fifteen men on a dead man’s chest,yo ho ho and a bottle of rum” have a little truth in them. Some pirates may have buried their treasure,but they most likely spent it on drink and women. (Ah,the next loan check is in January.) Unfortunately, you won’t be Captain Jack Sparrow, and no Keira Knightley will turn up. You will most likely be picked up by the coastguard and taken in still wearing the fancy tights and wooden sword - but hey,to get yourself on Newsround it may just be worth it.

Finally,if you think that this is all pie in the sky,then you could take a gander at the ambitious plans of one budding archaeologist from our very own uni. It was either the horses or the thoughts of wilderness and the lumberjack song,but Rowan Burrows plans to trek out from Mongolia in search of the remains of one of Ghenghis Khan’s desert cities. This particular one was given to his first wife after he swept through the rest of the known world giving everyone else a damn good kicking almost a thousand years ago (Ghengis Khan,not Rowan). And the aim of the mission seems to be to uncover the remains of this once fabulous city. Ten students,two months and a donkey; who knows what could happen? We will keep you posted.

Basket case

‘Travel’ is a word usually used to talk of foreign experiences,but sometimes the actual journey is worthy of it’s own story.Yes,Britain’s buses suck, but it could be worse: LauraTovey investigates some places where it is...

1. Basket sled in Madeira

Madeira is a pretty sedate island but for those who are crazy enough,it boasts a very unique mode of transport. Traditionally used to carry produce down from the top of a mountain,tourists are now encouraged to ride the traditional wicker basket sled down. This is exactly what it sounds like: an open wicker basket on runners which slides down the mountain steered by two men and a rope. There are no brakes - the drivers use their feet. Sometimes,for added entertainment,they will spin you round 360˚ as you hurtle downwards on an open road bordered by concrete walls. Second year psychology student Heather Pereira had a go: "It’s fun. And very,very scary." The basket toboggan was even used as an early ambulance - when a critically ill villager from the top of the mountain had to be transported to Funchal in a hurry,they sent her in the basket. I bet that made her feel better.

2.Tuk-tuk in Bangkok

These motorised rickshaws are good mainly for their novelty value: they are not especially cheap and are pretty dangerous. Many tourists,however,feel they are an essential part of the Bangkok experience. It is important to get a price before you travel,and just as important to haggle: if you don't beat the driver down a good way,you have been significantly ripped off and will become the centre of a myth among drivers,"the idiot who paid full price". Still,it's one way to immortalise yourself. Another point to remember is that tuk-tuks are open which gives you a nice view,along with a hearty lungful of pollution and nothing between

you and the road in case of an accident. When you consider that drivers are not obliged to complete any training,or even pass a driving test,you can see why locals in the know shun this "experience" and leave tuk-tuks to the tourists.

“Tuk-tuk drivers are not obliged to complete any training,or even pass a driving test”

3. Trans-Siberian Railway

There are many expensive travel agents offering romantic railway journeys across the vast expanse of Russia on the Trans-Siberian railway. The journey of nearly 6,000 miles from Moscow to Vladivostok can be travelled in a matter of days. And if you are travelling first class and don’t mind restricted space,I’m sure it is a very pleasant experience. For those on a student budget,however,the picture might not be quite so rosy. While first class cabins have their own toilet and shower at a premium of at least an extra £200,second class carriages have toilets and washbasins at either end for general use. We all know what train toilets can be like; after three days of facilities shared by the whole carriage they should be paying you to stay on the train,not the other way around. Add to this worldrenowned eastern Europeantime-

keeping and food (available at extra charge),and the disadvantages of this method of transport become clear. As Alan Jones,a

Beijing. He’s an idiot.”

4. Hong Kong trams

Hong Kong has such efficient, cheap trains and buses that it is easy - and sensible - to avoid the double-decker trams,but I wanted to try them for myself (oh,foolish youth). There is nothing wrong with them at first glance - ludicrously cheap,reliable

and fairly fast,they can avoid traffic jams and get you where you want to go. And saunas are apparently beneficial for the health. Yes,the one down side to trams is that there is no airconditioning. My first ride filled with sweaty office workers after a hard day and the problem this causes soon becomes apparent. Seating is limited so many end up standing. As with the MTR (Hong Kong's version of the underground),this is only a good option if you are fairly tall,so that others end up with their noses in your armpits rather than the other way round. Overall,an interesting way to get to know total strangers on a rather intimate basis.

power of these pages to help you. Sorry. There are slightly faster motorised canoes,but if you have all the correct papers and the money (although it is still cheap) then get the fastest boat. This should take a mere twelve hours sitting on a bare plank bench. It is also important to remember to barter your price beforehand and not pay anything until you are in the boat,preferably after the journey. Smugglers don’t tend to object to the odd bit of swindling and there is no customer service office to complain to.

6. “Bazbus” in South Africa

It advertises itself as for the “young at heart”. What it really means is “those who will put up with discomfort and not complain too much.”

Apparently the easiest way to get from Guyana to Venezuela, but boats leave only when the captain is ready so you may be waiting around for a while. There are three sorts,classed according to price. A covered-deck boat is cheapest,but be prepared to hide in the hold for several days as the boat travels under cover of darkness. This is really only an option if you’re some sort of fugitive,and if you manage to get on the wrong side of the law in South America it’s really beyond the

These minibuses - complete with trailers for luggage and bulky items - regularly lumber across South Africa. Having paid a fixed price,your ticket is valid for twelve months and you can get on and off as often as you want to visit different locations. But if you are not staying for a long time,a twelvemonth ticket is very expensive for a ride in an overcrowded minibus. The “get on,get off” system comes with no guarantee that there will be free seats on the bus you want to get on,or the one after that,or the one after that... This is especially a problem for larger groups. The Bazbus is popular with students and backpackers as a flexible way to see as much of the country as possible but it does limit your travelling experience to the standard routes. Your fellow travellers are more likely to be other tourists than locals,so you miss out on the insight that travelling long distances in the company of those with an insider’s knowledge of the country can bring.

7.Train journey in India

India’s railway system is the second biggest employer in the world after the Chinese army. What do all those workers do? The extensive network crosses the vast country (although there are still plenty of places that are several hours’ journey

from the nearest station). Trains are very overcrowded and seats are routinely overbooked to allow for any cancellations,to such a degree that your carefully booked ticket might not count for much. This happened to Mona Zaky,a first year medic: “We had booked a first class air-conditioned sleeper but we ended up in third class with no seats. We sat on the floor for the whole twelve hour journey. There was no airconditioning, or even a fan. It was that or ‘try our luck’ on a train the next day.” Naturally,there was no refund on her ticket,or even the difference in price. It is wise to cross your legs,no matter how long the journey: the third class passengers all shared a single, highly fragrant squat toilet. Mona also recommends taking your own food, and avoiding that sold by the traders who hop on and off at stations - with no hygiene standards enforced,a nasty case of ‘Delhi belly’ is the last thing you need in a squat toilet.

Hong Kong trams:a good way to get to know people

5. Smugglers’ boat in Guyana

What influence do adverts have on our view of homosexuals? Quench investigates

By Ian Loynd

The persuasive power of advertising is forcefully exerted by the media.

Our susceptibility to ads is involuntary,and as such,frightening.

There is an unprecedented inclusion of gay images in advertising today that was unheard of a decade ago. However, the negative portrayal of homosexuals is seemingly preferred.

Negative ads may be hurtful and offensive; yet they attract little protest, under a humorous guise.

Famously,Heineken produced the “male bonding incident” advert in 2000,in which two men touch hands

Gay to Z Ad fad

and are upset by its implications. More recently,Lynx have told us that "men’s sweat attracts other men. Is that all you want?" Why,is that not enough?

We should consider,however,the

“Negative ads may be hurtful yet,under a humorous guise,they attract little protest”

extent to which such adverts have influence. I doubt that they incite homophobic behaviour but,more often than not, they add to the misconception of masculinity and homosexuality being mutually exclusive.

It is when institutions such as the BBC carelessly employ negative advertising that I am perturbed. In their 1xtra “Guess The Soundtrack” advert,the first song featured was TOK’s Chi Chi Man,the lyrics of which advocate the shooting and burning of gay men. This is indeed dangerous as both the popularity of black music and the extreme anti-gay beliefs among some of its performers and followers have been growing in direct correlation.

Advertising implies power. Can we trust that it will be used wisely?

Gay-positive ads portray gay relationships in a non-humorous way. They focus on inclusion with no stereotyping.

Human Immunodeficiency Virus

hIronically hailed the great gay plague,this debilitating illness relentlessly spreads through society,oblivious to class,race and sexuality. It was originally brought to Canada from Africa and thereafter spread through the Western world. So much may be said on this subject,but most importantly,use condoms. Always.

For advice about HIV and AIDS,go to www.aids.org or www.tht.org.uk (Terrance Higgins Trust)

Internet

Profiles,porn and paedophiles. You think internet,you think sordid. And,in the main,I’m convinced this is the case. The faceless nature of the world wide web allows you to be whoever you want to be; a circumstance inviting abuse. But let us not forget those for whom the internet is a genuine way of meeting others. For gay men and women who have not come out or do not live in urban areas,the internet can be a vital tool in finding that dream man or woman. So let’s cast our aspersions aside and let them get on with it.

iGay-neutral ads feature homosexuals in a non-offensive but humorous way. They may refer to stereotypes. Gay-negative ads employ stereotypes and register a negative reaction between characters to the suggestion of homosexuality.

Gay-vague ads do not refer to homosexuals specifically but use subjects which may be inferred to be of a gay nature.

A gay couple featured in a 1994 IKEA advert. This was the first television portrayal of homosexuals in a nonhumorous way.

Voice from the shacks

Gareth D Kingdon reports on the suffering and ignorance still rife and destroying Africa

Iam travelling in a taxi from Temba to the neighbouring town of Hammanskraal when the burly taxi driver leans over and asks,"Where are you from?"

"The UK",I replied. "Why do you come to Temba?" he asked me. I told him that I was doing some photographic work on AIDS. There is a deathly silence in the taxi.

What sparked this reaction? The next response that I had was very interesting. "What is this AIDSthat everyone talks about? Is there such a thing?"

Although there are huge billboards around every corner displaying messages such as "Listen,Learn and Live" this response is typical. It is hard

to believe that such ignorance remains,especially where 65% of the community have AIDS and 20% are terminally ill,waiting to die.

Sadly,as the taxi driver waved his arm in a dismissive motion,much of the South African government seem determined to dismiss the problem through ignorance,fear,and embarrassment. Why is this so? Perhaps it is because around 60% of Thabo Mbeki's government are reported to be infected themselves,as I was told by three different people.

South Africans are now becoming increasingly frustrated and angry that their hard work to win political freedom has not been translated into better lives.

The message from the government is to be patient,because change is a long and difficult process that is going to take time.

But for them things have changed. Poorly educated black South Africans now drive around in posh cars and live in the leafy jacaranda suburbs of Pretoria.

For them change was fast,out of political obscurity and poverty into great power and wealth,but the transition has been disastrous for those below. Consequently,the African National Congress government has lost much of its support: Thabo jokes provide constant material for comedians and scandal hovers interminably over the government like a dark storm cloud. Rumours abound of millions of rands donated by the west for humanitarian aid disappearing or being spent on luxury cars and holiday homes.

A friend told me that the head councillor of Temba is under constant police protection from assassination attempts by locals,who are angry that money meant for a new AIDS clinic, school and library has gone missing. This failure to invest new resources has lead to a drastic shortage of facilities. Moretele,a district of around 1.2 million,has only one small functioning AIDS clinic,which is supported by the British High Commission.

Social workers are sent out on foot with the unenviable task of visiting the thousands of terminally ill.

Due to lack of training facilities,job creation and the closure of previously functioning factories,unemployment has rocketed to around 90%. This is one of the contributing factors to the high HIV/AIDS rate.

It is hard to explain the impact of AIDS on a community. As I went around it was sometimes obvious that the people that I was among - shaking hands with,joking about the British weather to or buying vegetables and chickens from - were infected. I could tell by looking at their emaciated bodily frame,overly fuzzy hair,poor skin condition or ulcers on their face or hands. However,it was the smell which disturbed most: AIDS has a smell of death and rotting flesh. Sometimes this is faint,and sometimes so unbearable as to make your eyes water.

To live with Aids you must not only

contend with a disease that completely destroys your body,but also put up with the stigma and hatred from the community,your friends and even your family.

This fear and lack of understanding are a lethal cocktail. I heard of a grandmother who would not hold her HIV infected baby grandson because of her fear of infection.

From afar it is easy to criticise the relatives: blame them for disowning family members,abandoning babies and young ones. But when you delve deeper you can begin to understand why.

For many Africans who have had to watch as one by one family members slowly rotted to their death,AIDS creates a fear factor far greater than we in a western culture can imagine or understand. It is hard to describe the emotional stress a carer has to deal with. Hated by the community and experiencing the frustration of not having money to buy drugs or even vegetables to boost the immune system,theirs is a sacrificial,unenviable task,and failure is the only outcome.

I visited a lady called Kate with fullblown AIDS: terminally ill and waiting to die. Kate was almost completely incapacitated,only able to move her head. Lying prostrate on a bed,her ravaged,emaciated frame was covered with layer upon layer of smelling

“Poverty does lead to desperation.It is reported that Africans are becoming infected so that they can qualify for food aid”

moth-eaten blankets. I watched as her elderly grandmother attempted to lift her to show me the effects of AIDS. You could see her ribs poking through the flaky rotting flesh,her skin covered with ulcers and open sores. Ulcers inside her body meant that urinating was excruciatingly painful. Unable to move Kate,her mother or grandmother had to change the sheets of urine and diarrhoea waste constantly.

The most hitting and overpowering emotion was the combination of smells. I suspect this is why her family moved her from their own house into the shack

next door. This shack was rusting and falling down. With no electricity or lighting,the only source of light was the sun which came through the cracked panes of glass of a rotting wooden window. This is a typical scene in Moretele, repeated thousands of times over. Sadly Kate died two weeks after my visit,only visited by her mother and grandmother. All other friends had long since gone. I asked an AIDS health care worker why there was such a high AIDS rate in Moretele; she replied,"It's poverty, it's because of poverty." In many ways I can agree. Poverty does lead to desperation. It is reported that Africans are becoming purposely infected so that they can qualify for food aid.

Many of the PWAs (people with AIDS never receive this aid though, either because it is not distributed or their relatives claim it for themselves.

Another disturbing factor is the escalating number of young girls who are forced into prostitution by other family members.

Inevitably this leads to infection. It is not uncommon to find several female members of one family infected due to this reason. Unwanted pregnancy is the other outcome and a contributory factor to the high number of AIDS orphans - 69 in one month in one Moretele suburb.

The total number of AIDS orphans in Moretele is not known. Many lead a life wandering up and down the wards of the hospitals with no care or stimulation. Infected orphans are piled into cots with other children infected with tuberculosis. Due to ignorance and poor administration,children are left in the hospital for months and even years,despite foster homes being available.

It's heartbreaking to hear of people's lost dreams. "I want to see my children go to university and be good parents... and not lose life as I have done," was the crying testimony of one infected mother of two.

Furthermore,the sheer hopelessness of their situation can lead sufferers to resort to desperate measures in the face of the illness. Many are turning to hallucinatory potions from traditional healers to boost the immune system. Meanwhile,one health worker told me it was a common belief that raping a virgin under the age of 12 would cure an AIDS sufferer. Many Africans believe that condoms handed out by government hospitals actually give you AIDS.

Indeed,hopelessness and desperation play one of the defining roles in this tragic situation. As I watched the orange sun set each night over the silhouettes of the shacks,children

and chickens in the dust and women fetching in the washing,I wondered what will happen to this community that has no voice.

World Aids Day is December 1. Wear your red ribbon in support.

“Aids creates a fear factor far greater than we in a western culture can imagine

Orphans are left in hospitals

A new age?

Polly March considers our lack of imaginative cultural originality or distinction

Last New Year’s Eve,amidst much hedonistic carousing,we sang in the start of 2003. Yet,though approaching the fifth year of this decade,we still lack succinct consensus on what to call it. We've had the

here and now. We could have a teams campaigning for ‘The Noughties’,‘The Zeros’,‘The Double Ohs’,‘The Millennios’,’The 2Ks’,“The Nothings’,‘The Dread Noughts’… the possibilities are endless.

Naming the beast is the first step towards taming it. We suffer this identity crisis because we situate ourselves in a nameless era. As long as this confusion continues,previous decades and their fads and fashions will always seem preferable. I suggest Cardiff students should take a vote

Yet we just can’t let go of the past. Consider how fashion recycles itself every decade. I am a sad 80s throwback. Born 17 days into that marvellous decade,I was brought up to appreciate leg-warmers for their practical use (oh yes,and I could emulate my heroines Dirty Dancing at the

This trend of resurrection,in just the last two years,has brought us 50s frou-frou skirts

wear,and the mass-replicated Rachel haircut,with every

attempting to emulate the much-coiffed Jennifer Aniston.

Oh,and tattoos. Tattoos used to stand out,but suddenly they became part of the 90s uniform. As did body piercing. They may have had their roots in 80s punk culture but suddenly girls as young as eight were piercing their

tongue,belly button,eyebrow or nipple.

This assimilative technique also applies to music trends of recent decades. The 80s are ill-represented if one neglects to mention the ‘first age of MTV’,when video officially killed the radio star. Yep, those were the days when you could still watch credible music videos on television. Now such images are of greater influence than the music itself.

Furthermore,most contemporary rock and rap subsists on borrowed samples from tunes written long ago. With all the hosts of bad corporate machines offering us drivel such as N’stink, Britney and the Backshit Boys,it’s no wonder we long for the kick-ass bass lines and pure energy of power pop’s halcyon days.

Experimental films which attempt to prophesy the effects of modernisation have long been part of the cinematic canon (Kubrick,Lucas etc). Yet films such as The Matrix, Minority Report, AI et al are obsessed with trying to control the chaotic pressures of the future with increasingly ludicrous technology. Could retina ID and personalised advertising ever exist in our time? And what’s wrong with films concerned with today? Surely they are more relevant than the varied possibilities of the far-distant future? Even historically,everything is coming full circle. Around this time 13 years ago,Bush Sr was on the brink of war with Iraq,asking us to vilify the Arabs. At the beginning of the 80s Thatcher’s Britain was targeting the Falklands and everyone was jittery about the outcome of the Cold War,so Russians became the big baddies.

In the 50s anyone in the US was a potential communist,holding the

thread which could unravel the whole social fabric of society. In the 40s,the Nazis were the ultimate embodiment of evil. We’ve now seen ancient conflicts resurface, however,with the continuing Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Western apathy and atheism seem at an all-time high,yet we’ve subconsciously learned to associate religion with fundamentalism. We’ve learned to fear everything: AIDS,global warming,nuclear warfare and WMDs,obesity,tobacco companies and each other. No longer preoccupied with the potential chaos of Y2K,we’ve failed to enjoy this new millennium,this vibrant,young century,and instead,as Michael Moore has suggested,have endorsed that climate of fear.

We live in an information society, where scare-mongers such as CNN and Sky proliferate. We can watch horrific events in far reaches of the globe, making the world seem ever more threatening. As a consequence we umpteen cameras monitoring and documenting our every move, ‘protecting’ us from lurking forces, bring us ever closer to an Orwellian

dystopia. What illusions of privacy we had ended with the advent of the internet and the dreaded reality TV epidemic. How many of our names are on the internet without us being aware of it?

We’re constantly checking to see who’s watching,learning to live

“Oh yes,I could emulate my heroines from Fame and Dirty Dancing at the same time”

through conventions of film and TV. We see so much TV and film violence that we have become immune to it; it’s hard to differentiate between the real atrocities of the news and that atrocious thirst for violence on screen.

This is why we hark back to other decades: for those heady days when we felt more in control of reality. There was a degree of certainty; we knew

who shot JR,Michael Jackson was still black and Hulk Hogan was still the ultimate wrestler. People wrote letters,mobiles were the size of bricks and the Commodore 64 was the most advanced technology available.

Still,I don’t totally damn our generation or this decade. We can take heart from the immense turn-out at recent global peace marches,revel in mass unity as something undocumented on a wide scale since the 60s civil rights marches. Hopefully apathy is on the decline and we will live to see a day when fragile man learns from his mistakes. We didn’t start the firebut we can sure keep the passion burning.

Mari Ropstad explains how to reach your five-a-day fruit and veg target on a student budget

An apple a day...

Fruit and veg are hardly the main components of a student lifestyle.

For some reason a pint or a chocolate bar is so much more appealing than an orange or banana. Although a pint of Guinness may,as rumour has it,contain a lot of vitamins and minerals it cannot,however, substitute a portion of fruit and veg. Extensive research conducted by the World Health Organisation indicates that eating plenty of fruit and veg can help prevent major disease such as heart disease and some cancers. The National Diet and Nutrition Survey of 2001 showed that consumption of fruit and vegetable among young people is particularly low. More than one third of men and women aged 19-24 years do not even eat one portion of fruit and veg per day. Here are some tips on how you can avoid being a part of that third.

Breakfast

Have a chopped up banana or

a tablespoon of raisins with your cereal. This will count as one portion. As an alternative you can mix one chopped apple,one tablespoon of chopped apricots or one tablespoon of raisins with some natural yoghurt. All count as one portion.

Lunch

Eating fruit and veg at this time of the day can boost energy levels and stop sugar cravings during the afternoon.

Research at the University of Sydney has found that bananas, grapes and apples are among the highest scorers of food that fill you up. All can be found in the cafés in university buildings.

Evening meal

Choose sandwiches that include salad as part of the filling,or have a baked potato with ratatouille or vegetable chilli. Note that the potato does not count as a portion,but the filling does.

Instead of buying expensive snacks from vending machines,plan ahead and take packets of dried fruits with you. One tablespoon of apricots,jumbo raisins or prunes count as one portion.

Cookery corner:Spicy bean chilli

Gary Andrews gets hot,hot,hot. Serves one.

Ingredients

1 small onion

1 garlic clove,crushed

1 red pepper

1 tin of baked beans

1 tin of butter beans

1 tin of red kidney beans

1 tin of chopped tomatoes

Noodles

Tomato purée

Chilli powder

Paprika

Cooking oil

This is a wonderfully versatile dish which is fairly cheap and easy to make. If not everything in the recipe is to your taste try experimenting by putting in different vegetables or beans. I find that chick peas and courgettes work equally

Add extra vegetable to your stir-fry, such as two handfuls of bean sprouts (one portion),half a pepper (one portion),three tablespoons of sweetcorn (one portion) and two tablespoons of green beans (half a portion). You can also make an omelette with your favourite fillings,adding one whole onion (one portion),a medium sized tomato (one portion) or a handful of sliced mushrooms (one portion). Adding a can of tinned tomatoes to your pasta count as one portion and the tomatoes can form a base for a range of different sauces. When ordering take-aways opt for a vegetarian pizza or add extra vegetables yourself and ask for salad with your kebab.

Remember that when cooking vegetables you want to keep as many nutrients as possible. Microwaving vegetables is quick and effficient as less of the good stuff is destroyed.

Keep the skin on foods and use as little water as possible when boiling fresh fruit and vegetables.

What are you waiting for?Get cook-

well,as does rice instead of the noodles.

Chop up the onion and crush the garlic. Heat up the oil in a large saucepan and fry the onion and garlic lightly for two to three minutes before dicing up thepepper and adding it to the pan. Throw in a pinch of chilli powder.

Put the noodles in a saucepan with water and set to boil. Add the choppedtomatoes and baked beans with their sauces to the fried vegetables. Cook for a further three to four minutes until the mixture starts bubbling.

Add the kidney beans,the butter beans and a quick squirt of tomato purée. Throw in a large pinch of paprika and as much chilli powder as you can take. Stir together well and cook for a further two to three minutes.

Drain the noodles,place on a plate and serve the bean chilli on top of the noodles.

Depending on how hot you have made the chilli you may want to drink just water. However a continental lager such as Stella or San Miguel complements the dish really well.

Kim Lyon discovers the ups and downs of food Hypervalue food

Hypa hypa!

Iamnotorious amongst my friends for being cheap (and that’s only by day...). Who better,then,to investigate Gypo Central,the shops that sell everything you don’t really want or need? Any student worth his or her salt will fork out on at least one morsel of economy food during their time at university. Are Hypervalue’s prices as low as you can go?

“Any student worth his or her salt will fork out on at least one morsel of economy food during their time at university.Are Hypervalue’s prices as low as you can go?”

Hypervalue may be pipped at the post by the Asda Smart Price range, but it has the advantage of being local. There is a Hypervalue opposite Sainsbury Central,one on Woodville Road,and one in Canton. Meanwhile, the trusty blue and white stripes of Tesco Value are slightly more expensive, yet emblematic of student life.

Perhaps what is most off-putting about Hypervalue is the distinct lack of care taken in transferring the food from the back of a truck to the shop floor. Admittedly,the market-stall layout does not exactly scream hygiene or glamour.

I had a nasty scare with economy ranges in the first year,when a maggot was found bathing in my Tesco Value vegetable soup. Incidently,their cheapo tomato soup is 98% reconstituted cream and/or oil; 2% value tomato ketchup - a tasteless way to liquidate your loan. Avoid it,at all of its 19p cost. A sampling of Hypervalue’s minestrone soup proved similarly disturbing. At 20p a can I thought: bargain! On my first attempt it was fine. Lots of taste; not too salty. However,on my second trial,I was struck by an anomaly. This tin contained meat and not any recognisable meat either. It stank worse than your incontinent gran’s undies.

Another unpleasant experience was with the veggie curry. I still cannot understand how they got it so wrong. I am an English student,and so used to offthe-wall interpretations - but this was a far too liberal version of relatively simple dish. If it was,as the label claimed,a medley of vegetables in a curry sauce,then how does one explain the grittiness?

On the upside,though, you can buy a kilo of good quality pasta at Hypervalue for under 50p. Even better, an array of Heinz and Dolmio sauces are available for about 30p. I leave tinned meat products for pets, though I have to say my housemate tried the pilchards,and there was nothing,er,fishy about them. I gingerly purchased some imported salmonbrain food and all that. I was a little disturbed by its paleness,but maybe fish get anaemia too.

“On the upside, though,you can buy a kilo of good quality pasta at Hypervalue for under 50p. Even better, an array of Heinz and Dolmio sauces are available for about 30p”

Apologies to Uncle Ben,but the Hypervalue range of cooking sauces do actually cut some mustard. There are no cheap thrills in the packaging stakes,but what you see is what you get. Other safe items are the sweets,dried fruit and nuts,tinned fruit,pulses,drinks,and little pots of herbs and spices. I cannot think of anything that was over a pound. Most of these are cheap because they are imported. At least,that’s what I tell myself.

While I can’t offer empirical evidence that the food is nutritionally sound,I haven’t died yet. Nor do I have scurvy. Be careful with the labelling (I mistook a pink packet of noodles as prawn flavour,when it was more like extra chilli vindaloo plus: scorchio),check the use by dates,and take risks. If nothing else,the food can be valuable for a bit[e] of entertainment.

Cookery corner:Hypervalue Delight

Kim Lyon invents a recipe with some of the ingredients she picked up at Hypervalue.

2 tablespoons sunflower oil

225g onion,finely chopped

225g carrots,diced

1 clove garlic,crushed

1 celery stick,finely chopped

3 green chillies,deseeded and chopped

1 red pepper,deseeded and chopped

2 tins tomatoes

1 tin kidney beans

1⁄2 tsp cumin

Pinch of cayenne

1 bay leaf

Preparation time: 15 minutes

Cooking time: Not very long

Calories per portion: 280

Heat the oil in a large saucepan and add onion,carrots,garlic,celery and chillies and cook gently for three minutes. Stir in chopped peppers and tomatoes,cumin,cayenne pepper and bay leaf. Stir together thoroughly and bring to boil. Cover and boil for 10 minutes. Add the kidney beans and stir until heated through. Serve the beans with rice and salad.

Support the Trade Justice Movement

gair rhydd and Quench

Distributed every SaturdayAberconway Refectory

Atlantic Coffee (Albany Road)

Atlantic Coffee (City Centre)

Barfly

Barker

Business School

Bute

Café Europa

Cartwright Court

Chapter Arts Centre

Column Road 130

Gordon Road

Humanities Library

Humanities Refectory

Kappuchinos

Law

Main Building

Maths Building

Med Club

Music

Physiology Refectory

Psychology Refectory

Redwood

Royal School of Music Secretariat

Senghenydd Court

Sherman Theatre

Shot in the Dark café

Spillers

Students Union

Talybont North

Laundry

Talybont Social

Talybont South

Laundry

Trevithick foyer

UGC Cinema

University Hall foyer

WRC

Welsh Club

Dominos,Crwys Road

Pizza Hut,Crwys Road

Co-op Crwys Road

Subway Crwys Road

Tesco Extra

Tesco Metro,Albany Road

Sainsbury’s Central

Virgin,City Centre

SPAR,Woodville Road

SPAR,City Road

T&A stores

10 other newsagents throughout Cathays and Roath

Belle of the ball

You will go to the ball! The Quench fashion team wave their magic wands

Fashion tip of the fortnight:

Don’t experiment just before a ball: always have a make-up and dress rehearsal before a big evening.

Not all of us have Cinderella’s luck when it comes to glamming up for the ball. With the Christmas party season fast approaching, Quench teamed up with

This time of year divides students into two major groups: those who love glamming up in sophisticated evening dress,and those who don’t. If you’re belong to the latter and still want to join the festivities,though,there’s still no reason why you can’t wear what you want rather than what you think you should wear.

If a little black dress just isn’t your thing,take inspiration from Sarah Jessica Parker and wear bright colours,unusual styles and lavish shoes. Cardiff is home to so many great independent shops that finding a unique dress for you isn’t hard.

For something a little different,look at clubwear made by brands such as CyberDog (found in Camden Town or anywhere on the net). Alternatively,why not look at soft bondage wear for corsets and other such fancy looks?

If that’s all a bit too drastic (and expensive) for you,try scouring some of Cardiff’s great charity shops - most stock a good selection of evening wear from different eras. You can always find some wonderful retro ‘granny’ dresses that look great with some pointed stilettos and a chucky belt. You could also go the Courtney Love route and find an extravagant vintage lace dress for an alternative formal look.

Of course it’s now perfectly acceptable for women to wear trousers to formal occasions now (apparently they can vote too but I don’t think that will ever catch on!). Suits of any colour will always stand out from the mass of long evening gowns. Do ‘sophisticated’ with heels and a glamorous top,or even just a bra if you feel daring - or take a tip from stylish Swedish garage rockers The Hives and go for a mix of black and white. Adding hats,jewellery,and colour can create the masterpiece that is your outfit. If you’re really creative why not even make your own?

Whatever you decide to wear this Christmas,remember that however unorthodox you make it,you’re sure to stand out if you feel confident in your outfit. Don’t be afraid to look out of place because you won’t; dare to be different and you’ll reap the rewards of lavish praise and attention from everyone.

Chantelle at Benefit to wave her magic wand and give us some tips! Perri Lewis modelled Benefit’s Fall 2003 treasure trove of Marvellous Make-Up,sure to make us all feel like the perfect princess. Firstly,a base of Dr Feelgood with tea tree and camomile was used to help soak up oil while leaving the skin irresistible to the touch. Next, Playsticka three-in-one concealer,foundation and powder - gave a smooth,satin finish. Pop princess Kylie’s favourite, High Beam,was then used to highlight Perri’s cheek and brow bones, giving the skin a natural dewy glow. The newest and best grooming kit, Brow Zing,helped to define and shape her eyebrows,whilst Nina’s Nugget and Half Past Midnight cream eye shadows were used to create that sultry,smoky look. To finish off the eyes, Onyx black coal pencil and black Plush mascara defined and

separated the eyelashes. Crystal lipgloss and Kitten Glitter Puff added the finishing touches to our Belle of the Ball look that is sure to last you way past midnight!

Perri Lewis gets pampered

Fashion Glitz and glamour

For beautiful ball hair less is more,says

LisaWalkley

Keeping it simple and not overdone by adding one main feature balanced with hair down is the key look for this season. As I said in the last issue,quiffs are great at achieving a fashionable look but they also allow you the versatility you want from your hair.

Rather than having a complicated up ‘do held together by a million kirby grips digging into your head,use one idea for a simple statement. For example,why not try one of these fab options!

1. Perfect plait Take a horizontal section from the left to the right at the front of the head and plait,adding in small sections at a time (like a French plait). Keep the rest of the hair down and sleek.

2. Sleek but sexy ponytail Simple! Pull hair into a simple ponytail but use a smoothing product to keep it sleek. Buy a hair band with a flower in it to make a statement - H&M have some great ones.

3. Tousled Use large curling tongs on sectioned hair for big curls. Pull each curl out to loosen the wave. The key to this look is to not look ‘done’. Use a separating product to give the curls definition.

4. Quiff Take a triangle section of hair from the recession lines as far back as the middle of your head. Comb back and push forward to make it stick up. Secure with plenty of hairspray and grips. Leave the rest of the hair either dead straight or scrunch up for a messy texture.

5. Hair down If you’re going to stick with your hair down,balance this with striking make-up. Smoky eyes are great,but avoid black eye shadows as these can be too harsh.

Thanks to Nicola at Gavin Alexander Hairdressing,who was on hand to give me some tips for achieving beautiful ball hair.

Ball Rules

Girls

Don’t wear those shoes You know the ones we mean. They may look gorgeous but don’t kid yourself,you know you can’t walk in them. Dont wear a dress that you’re scared of Spending a fortune on a stunning dress will only mean dodging drunkards with drinks (which is pretty much everyone). Also - I hate to remind you but student loans aren’t all that. Do wear a necklace It will simply and effectively make your outfit.

Blokes

Dont sport a completely white tux You may think you’re taking a brave plunge into individuality,but white tuxes really make most blokes look very gimpish. And after the slightest mark - hey presto,you look like even more of a tosser! In plain terms: all-white is not all right. Do hire your suit early to avoid disappointment... or the dreaded white tux.

THE

THREE BEST DRESSES OF ALL TIME by Hannah Perry

1. Liz Hurley –safety pins

Who would have thought that one dress could do so much for a girl? The original ‘it’ dress. Many have tried to copy the effect but failedmainly because we all know that things are never quite the same the second time around.

2. Audrey Hepburn –Breakfast At Tiffany’s

Arguably the greatest fashion ‘moment’ ever. She challenged preconceptions of what is beautiful in a woman and became one of the greatest female icons of the 20th century. It’s not hard to see why.

3. Marilyn Monroe – the white dress

How much fuss can an air vent create? Size sixteen ladies everywhere,rejoice: this is the ultimate in sexiness.

The Quench fashion team Words byCaroline Ellis,Katie George,Debbie Green,Perri Lewis,Hannah Perry,Bex Singleton and Lisa Walkley. Photos by Charlotte Howells. Illustrations by Catharine Collingridge.

Reviews news

What’s new in the worlds of Arts,Books,Film and Music? Well,pipe

Music

It’s a bumper month for tip-top local releases,so gear up your ears. Firstly, Small Victories will have finally released their stonking debut album Holding On Hopefully by the time you read this,and similarly growly punk yowlers Sammo Hung spit out their own debut Stand Up And Swear Geeky sophisto-rockers Jarcrew’s eponymous ear-crushing effort is out too,check out the feature review in this issue. Meanwhile The Martini Henry Rifles celebrate the release of their ridiculously titled single (check out the singles page to find out what it is) by getting jiggy at a private bash in the Fantasy Lounge. And we’re going – ha!

Nationwide, The Super Furry Animals are currently planning a new national tour for February,with a date in the CIA on the cards. Beck’s new album is scheduled for early 2004 (whoopee!) and Suede have split up to a muted response. That’s about it really,it’s been a quiet old fortnight.

Film

Film-wise,we’re getting excited about a new remake of George Romero’s zombie monsterpiece Dawn Of The Dead,with Pulp Fiction’s Ving Rhames trying not to get his brain eaten. More bloody entrails,please! On an equally silly note,the upcoming Guillermo Del Toro movie, Hellboy, looks set to rule the screen with a beefy fist. There’s something for the mums,too: Russell Crowe is taking a break from fighting around the world to release his Master And Commander: The Far Side Of the World. Anyone else notice how they’ve changed the trailer in the wake of Pirates Of The Caribbean’s success? It’s gone from historical epic to swashbuckling romp,but either way it’s hard to get excited about the antipodean grunter’s mockney shouting. Anyone as heartbroken as us by Lost In La Mancha will be happy to see Terry Gilliam back on his feet with The Brothers Grimm,which looks set to deliver all the things that his illfated Don Quixote project couldn’t.

down and we’ll tell you

Arts

It’s Turner Prize time again,and this year everyone’s talking about the Chapman brothers’ plastic nude dolls... well,everyone except themselves. The pair are notoriously adverse to any sort of interviews,and yet happily flirt with publicity and controversy in their art. What’s it all about,boys? Get yourselves down to Tate Modern and check out their exhibits, Sex and Death,for yourselves.

And if you are a bit of a budding artist or dramatist then you might be interested to know that the Sunday Times National Student Drama Festival is currently recruiting for the next festival. It is due to take place in Scarborough from March 31 until April 7 2004. Whether you are a student or a first year gradaute,part of a drama group or not,the festival is open to your entry. Check out the website www.nsdf.org.uk for more infomation on visiting or entering.

Books

It’s been a non-stop rollercoaster of literary excitement this week. Paul ‘why do I still exist?’ Burrell raced straight to the top of the bestsellers list (and one presumes to the bank with a big wad of dirty,dirty money) prompting the question “what on earth is wrong with the British public as a whole?” Closer to home,news of Parthian’s tenth anniversary filled us with joy. Their first book was reviewed in gair rhydd ten years ago and they’re holding a swanky party at the Chapter Arts Cenre,featuring literary hip cats Lloyd Robson and Annabelle Money. Looking forward to Quench’s next outing,we’ll be treating you to a juicy Jeanette Winterson profile and a review of Roger Lewis’ frankly brilliant biography of Anthony Burgess There’ll be a number of exciting yet top secret competitions (think Matrix) as well as the usual heady combination of reviews,news and incoherent student ranting.

Punk yowlers: Sammo Hung

Lesbo supreme: Jeannette Winterson

Housewives’ choice: Russell Crowe

M o t l e y ‘ ‘ c r e w

Jarcrew Gut

It’s hardly been a cultural shift,but 2003 has seen the rise of a calibre coated crop of bands with an ardent desire to give the listener more. Bands like The Mars Volta,Franz Ferdinand,British Sea Power; not linked through pigeonhole cohabitation,but through all having the ideas and ambition to match their scorching execution. They’re exposing a few pretenders too. With so much on offer,it’s no surprise that the post-Strokes retro rehashers everyone fell in love with are struggling to keep up. So now is the perfect time for Jarcrew’s layered artpunk to chest-burst onto the scene too. This,their debut LP,was released by local label Complete Control over a year ago,but due to its minimalist production being a complete juxtaposition to the band’s heavy sophistication,it was embraced by few. Step in Gut Records, who here oversee a remastering and realisation of Jarcrew’s twisted recording potential.

“Now is the perfect time for Jarcrew’s layered art-punk to chestburst onto the scene”

Snaring Jarcrew’s unhinged raucousness is a challenge to say the least. Known for swiping clothes from audience members and smashing large fruit items on stage,frontman Kelson Mathias breaks personal space social laws with everyone present at least once during his band’s sweat-soaked,instrument-mullering live set. The recorded work here matches these crackpot capers,with layered blasts of sophisto-Pixie-punk,searingly repetitive melodies and time signature changes: such a full sound,it comes across as some kind of Polyphonic Spree punk-rock experiment. Rich and meaty, the record is the sound of the lads having the time of their lives and the challenge of their lives at the same time without ever forgetting that someone’s actually got to listen to this on their kitchen stereo. The one killer single Paris And The New Math is a fist-pumping chant-along and the perfect introduction. Defacted Symphony cracks into a bellowing chorus,Uzi drums and spiralling guitars,all brilliantly cohesive,and Boy Wonder sounds like a robot war where nothing knows what’s fighting what.

Before Komputer kicks in with a swerving bagpipe-esque effect. Bagpipes,then revving chords and Kelson’s delirious scream.

Jarcrew are pushing things forward. Their now fully realised debut LP should cause the second hand record shops of the nation to swell as we all return those half-arsed retro-rock splurges we’ve been wasting our lives listening to as we hear what we’ve been missing. It’s a difficult, painful,mind-groping joy.

Jamie Fullerton

JARCREW

Albums 34

THE MARK LANEGAN BAND

Here Comes That Weird ChillEP

Beggar’s Banquet

Originally conceived as a single for the track Methamphetamine Blues from Lanegan’s forthcoming album,this EP was expanded to 8 tracks with the

inclusion of out-takes from the album sessions. It melds the dark American roots style of Lanegan’s solo material with some inventive rock leanings courtesy of musical assistance from Josh Homme and co,which suggest Lanegan’s time working with QOTSA was not misspent. Jon Griffiths

extreme,though - fitting, given the heavyweight themes with which Galás concerns herself. Defixiones addresses the Armenian genocides in Turkey of the early 20th century; this is not politics as a fashion statement,but the work of a committed artist prepared to take on the pain of the dead. Alex Macpherson

Quick Frozen Small Yellow Cracker Shoeshine

HATEBREED

The Rise Of Brutality Roadrunner

With a title like that,you’d imagine the content of this album would be the sonic equivalent of being run over by an articulated lorry (as has all of their previous output). Unfortunately,most of this album couldn’t punch its way out of a paper bag. Considering Hatebreed used to set the standard in terms of pure,unadulterated tuff guy metal,this is so disappointing. Compared to bands like Throwdown and Until The End,this is a lackrehash of their old songs (even the beatdowns lack any real conviction!). Way under par. Luke Grahame

Wyclef: Why?

Greatest Hits

Columbia

A bit early for a hits collection,but the ex-Fugee's two biggest ones are here (Gone Till November and Perfect Gentleman),along with respectful covers of Knockin’ On Heaven's Door and Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here and a few fillers. However, there's also the hilarious It Doesn't Matter to prove that a sense of humour can go a long way in mainstream rap. Rob Telford

Dedicated Sony

In 1996,the 18-year-old Lemar had a place to read pharmacy here at Cardiff, though he never took it up. Several years on,he is about to release his debut album Dedicated: a mix of contemporary modern soul and R&B. While in certain areas the album is disappointingly weak,songs such

as All I Ever Do (My Boo) are enough to demonstrate what a really great talent he is.

Dave Jennings

Defixiones:Will And Testament Mute

When Diamanda Galás sings,she makes everything else seem irrelevant. Her four-octave voice notoriously reaches both bone-chilling heights and blood-curdling depths,but when Galás isn’t dealing out petrifying shocks to the system she’s capable of incredible beauty. Backed just by the occasional virtuoso piano line and muffled electronics,it’s always

The anti-folk scene has been continually criticised for its preference of ‘comedy‘ lyrics over songs of actual quality (where would The Moldy Peaches be,for instance,without their saucy rhymes?). So luckily for us, the abominably titled Schwervon!,essentially the aforementioned Peaches minus the hilarious outfits, have come along at the right time,with an undeniably lo-fi yet conveniently charming first collection of songs. Enough to melt even the most un-indiefied of hearts. John Widdop

National Forest Faith And Hope

National Forest is 20-yearold Daniel Cowley. Having a taste for acoustic guitars and fragile electronics he decided that he could damn well do that and set about making this sublime debut. Mixing influences such as Boards Of Canada,Four Tet, Múm,Cat Power and Grandaddy, National Forest is an accomplished and polished album perfect for hazy evenings or early Sunday mornings. Andy Parsons

DIAMANDA GALÁS

WYCLEF JEAN

SCHWERVON!

Albums 35

L-R:Moomintroll Head, Muntya, Atomic Kitten Reject

SUGABABES

Three Universal

Two of them look like they’d beat the crap out of you; just the thing Siobhan Donaghy ran away from. In stepped Heidi Range and it seems to have worked. They haven’t beaten the crap out of anyone and this album title sounds like they’re harmoniously content with their new line-up. Hole In The Head may be

SOMETHING CORPORATE

North Drive-Thru Californian rockers release their second album on Drive-Thru records much to the delight of 12-year-old children dressed in oversized hoodies. Fantastic lyrics shine through like “I've got a girlfriend,she tells me she needs me...we'll probably get married.” This band sound exactly like every other pop-punk band imported from the US, except these boys use the occasional piano riff too. Lovely.

Matt Aplin

their poptastic chart-topper but among the album tracks lie some diamonds shinier than Heidi’s blonde locks. Million Different Ways may have an Asian beat that seems token,but these girls seem able to stretch beyond the restrictive genres of pop,rock and urban music. We Could Have It All is truly dark while Too Lost In You creates a perfect dim-the-lights moment. The standout track Situation’s Heavy cries "I’m not growing

up before my time",recalling of the freshness of Overload - but when Sugababes can do sophistication this well, why go back?

Sugababes are buggers. Not only are they the perfect celebrities: young,successful and gorgeous (well,two of them),but this album proves their singing to be truly impressive,complementing each other beautifully. Their voices already carry the soul of people who’ve been through the

VARIOUS

Late Night Tales: Jamiroquai

Azuli/Whoa

Disregarding their great track record and usually excellent taste Azuli have bizarrely selected the Twat in the Hat himself,Jay Kay,to pick the tunes after a fine selection of previous artists.

Admittedly there’s none of Jamiroquai’s repellent material here itself and a few great tunes,but too many tracks reek of 80s fromage and lack sufficient style or substance to engage the listener. Let’s hope Turin Brakes do a better job on the next installment… Andy Parsons

mill of life already. Judging by their success,that mill seems a long way off in the distance.

AMY WINEHOUSE

Frank Island

On which jazz is dragged kicking and screaming from smoky late-night clubs into dazzling daylight by a 19year-old London girl filled with unlimited confidence. Amy Winehouse has a rich, potent voice,an instinctive grasp of rhythm and melody, and a penchant for biting lyrics: "Feel like a lady,and you my ladyboy",she sneers on StrongerThan Me over swinging R&B beats. At no point does Winehouse sound less than 100% sure of herself; this album’s vitality is breathtaking. Alex Macpherson

Nathalie Southall

Jay Kay:the Twat in the Hat

Singles

Feeling This Geffen

If you weren’t a Blink fan before,this won’t change your mind. Tom Delonge’s repetitive,annoying spoken verses are countered partially by pleasant vocal harmonies and a distortiondrenched ending but this is still a disappointment.

Matthew Viney

Let’s Get Down

Columbia

Lil’ Bow Wow has grown up and become... an average rapper! Vacuous subNeptunes clatter about precisely nothing; likely to be ignored by everyone,even fans of rubbish pop-rap, due to a conspicuous lack of any hook

Get Yourself High Freestyle Dust

Get Yourself High mixes The Chemical Brothers’ electronic dance tones with Canadian rapper K-OS saying how he can’t get you high. A song suited for a club,not your bedroom.

Tim Vizard

THECORAL

Bill McCai

Deltasonic Records

Sounding slightly like a bad western soundtrack,this is repetitive and gloomy. It is, however,lyrically engaging and the jingly-jangly riffs make it catchy enough to rescue it from the bargain bins. Matthew Viney

Paris And The New Math

Gut

Barmy local types Jarcrew aren’t your average newwave-of-no-name upstarts. Oh no. While regular schizoids like Eighties Matchbox and Sludgefeast tread rhythmic water,the mentally unstable Welshmen rock back (and forth) like schizophrenic drills encompassing about fifty different songs into just the one,and somehow rope Aled Jones in on the

THE MARTINI HENRY RIFLES

And Then We Hit A Truck/Run Jimmy Run Run

Run You Motherfucker

FF Vinyl

Unhinged,up for it and quite probably fucked off their heads, the Martini’s deliver a crash,a bang and a motherfucking wallop that’s so ridiculously punk it makes you wonder how you lived without them. Take our advice. Don’t. Jamie Fullerton

B-side. Qu’est-ce c’est?

John Widdop

Drag

Discovery Records

This is a lazy and diseased whore of a song. While pouting and whining about gender issues they seem to have forgotten to write a decent tune. Bland,boring, and unoriginal. Craig Driver

MICHAEL JACKSON

One More Chance Epic

The fact that Micky J's only ever meaningful relationship has been with his face,a rollercoaster and a couple of carefully selected kiddies adds up to make this wistful ballad unsurprising pap. Greg Cochrane

Born Again

EMI

Upbeat lyrics,piano and bass strings give this slow

burner a grander sound than usual. Not tremendously exciting but undeniably pleasant,its big optimistic finish challenges Starsailor’s slightly depressing image. Matthew Viney

THETHRILLS

Don’t Steal Our Sun Virgin

With their fourth single,The Thrills continue to sound like some sort of lab-reared Beatles/Beach Boys/Byrds hybrid. This,of course,is a very good thing. Chris Stevens

THEVEILS

Lavinia

Rough Trade

More low-grade indie miserablism,basically. There's nothing wrong with these songs per se,but the market's so overcrowded already it's hard to imagine anyone wetting themselves over this. Cassidy Phillips

Photo:Simon Shoulders

GOLDFRAPP

Great Hall,Cardiff

Thursday October 30

Most people will know Goldfrapp for their song Lovely Head which recently featured in a mobile phone advert. However,one advert track does no justice to the beautiful sound that is Goldfrapp. The group comprises of singer Alison Goldfrapp and soundtrack composer Will Gregory. The sheer eclectic nature of the band is amazing. One song would make you feel as though you were in a James Bond film,whilst another would melt the crowd with its soporific quality. In the last show of their tour,Goldfrapp left the crowd gasping for more with a breathtaking rendition of Black Cherry. Perhaps it is Gregory’s influence that makes watching Goldfrapp like listening to a film soundtrack; and should you have a film made of your life,you'd surely be happy to leave the soundtrack in their capable hands. Ruth Truslove

LOSTPROPHETS

TJ’s,Newport

Saturday November 1

After a year out in the wilderness (well,LA actually) the Prophets are finally back with some new material and this gig was the perfect chance to showcase it. The venue sold out in an hour,a clear sign as to what is expected and rightly so with all the hype that is being generated around them. Signed to Sony and sharing management with the likes of Metallica and the Red Hot Chili Peppers,they needed a similarly big sound and they've certainly come up with one.

The Prophets are really on form tonight and the new tunes go down a treat,especially the aptly titled Start Something and new single Burn Burn. The band still throw themselves around enthusiastically with frontman Ian Watkins doing his trademark dive into the crowd to end a fantastic gig. Catch them at their November shows supporting Linkin Park. It’s been worth the wait. Matt Aplin

THE FLAMING LIPS /CLINIC/STEVE BURNS

Cardiff InternationalArena, Sunday October 26

If it wasn’t for The Flaming Lips,Steve Burns wouldn’t be here tonight. His band is engaging but unremarkable; had it not been for Oklahoma’s sunniest psychedelicists,he wouldn’t have made it out of America. And while Burns plays raggedly emotional indie in Pavement’s blueprint,his melodies and arrangements owe all their sparks to The Soft Bulletin,that template of contemporary transcendental pop crafted by tonight’s headliners in 1999.

When compiling their anthologies, will future rock historians wonder why every critic remarked that Clinic sound like the exact mid-point between the Velvets and the Pixies? Perhaps,until they listen to the records. Tonight they’re a chugging drone and the crowd seem nonplussed,even when they play The Second Line,a tune progressive enough to have appeared on a Levi’s ad.

Yup,seems everyone is here for the Lips. Race For The Prize pounds to life and the place explodes. It’s truly celebratory. There are giant balloons bouncing,indie kids dancing,gold dust glittering,giant cartoon animals bopping,and Wayne Coyne doing his shit: punching the air victoriously, straining for the notes,and pretending to play his acoustic geetar. Seriously now,the guy is easy to love; if Satan himself ascended from hell and offered you Wayne as your dad in exchange for the immortal souls of your loved ones,you’d gladly accept. But this is a Flaming Lips gig,and dark shit like that doesn’t happen. Or does it? Tonight the Lips air their con-

W A Y N E

W O N D E R

The Flaming Lips make sure the kids at the back can hear

Photos:Tim Alban

viction that sometimes,you’ve just gotta fight. After a beautiful,colourful run through The Gash,Wayne introduces Fight Test as being a clarification of the message of the former,ie if someone fucks with you,fuck them up good. Cue horrific video footage. Famously savage and controversial, this clip shows a Viet Cong prisoner get shot in the head,collapse,die, and spurt lots of blood and brains and stuff out of his head. It’s horrible,

of course,and the Flaming Lips loop it for about a minute. Now I’m all for promoting political awareness,but within their carnival atmosphere,this blunt adoption of emotive material veered into sensationalism. Do You Realise? helps everyone recover. Not merely life-affirming pop,this song glints and shimmers like pure crystalline joy. It’s as spiritually uplifting as art gets these days,and this is the best way to hear it. Chris Griffin

The Engine Room,Cardiff

Sunday October 26

Stephen Malkmus is a relaxed guy. When the time comes to take the stage there is no grand appearance from the shadows behind it; he casually walks from the bar and through the audience. Malkmus seemed to excel in the chance to play to a select few and not be plagued by calls for Pavement songs.

The conversation flowed between songs as we learned of the band’s experiences of Harry Ramsden’s and that the drummer smelt a bit. While the music was nothing short of brilliant. Malkmus exuded confidence in his songs: Do Not Feed The Oyster and Water And A Seat may have peculiar lyrics but tonight they revealed their genius,and while the band were shocked at the decision to attempt Phantasies Malkmus reassured them with the bizarre statement "it’s ok,we played it in Oslo."

However,bizarre does not cover the strange coclusionr,a performance art version of Jenny And The Ess Dog, which developed into a superb nine minute version of 1% Of One, before Malkmus sloped off back through the crowd.

Anthony Lloyd

Cardiff International Arena

Sunday November 2

It’s a rare occurrence that both support bands make the main act look like small fish in a big pond. Apartment 26 produce a stunning display,blending the dynamic guitars of Anthrax with refined lyrical precision. These guys could,and should,be huge.

Finger 11 bring their impressive newly released third album to the big stage, with Good Times portraying what this band is about: developing the ethics of an old rock sound into 21st century music. Intriguing and equally impressive. Evanescence,on the other hand, demonstrated two sides to their story. The soothing vocals of Amy Lee were worth the admission fee alone,but sadly for a band with only one major release,their material let them down. While unarguably talented musicians, watching them try to fill the large CIA stage proved painful,and the lack of depth of their material led to debut album Fallen being played almost in its entirety,allowing for little choice but for the weaker tracks to be exhibited.

Sam Coare

Clwb Ifor Bach,Cardiff

Saturday November 1

Rephlex records step up to the bat as the latest in a long line of labels taking part in the excellent Logarhythm initiative to promote electronic music around Britain. Electro braindancer Cylob bookcases tonight’s event with a top draw selection of Rephlex classics before the acid-infected soundscapes of Astrobotnia get the heads nodding and beards stroking. Starting slow and gradually picking up the pace Aleksi Perala showcases the highlights from his trio of 2001 releases. With hardly a pause for breath Bosnian nutcase Bogdan Raczynski releases his breakbeat assault on both body and ear. Flailing and jerking behind his Powerbook,his manic energy is quickly transferred to the dancefloor resulting in a small scale outbreak of freaky dancing. Pretty it may not be,but it sure is damn fun. Whoever said rave was dead? Andy Parsons

Barfly,Cardiff

Saturday November 1

Every band learns the rules somewhere, and Dogs Die In Hot Cars seem to have learned them from The Clash circa London Calling. It’s pop with a spiky, early 80s edge that’s gonna sound good on FM radio and look good on Top Of The Pops. A spirited performance from the frontman keeps them watchable, and although they aren’t quite tearing up the rule book,tonight’s show hints that they’ll outgrow it - and support slots in such tiny venues - very soon.

People are starting to tire of The ----s bands,on the grounds that too many of them sound the same. Well,The 22-20s aren’t proving the cynics wrong with their Detroit-by-numbers garage rock. When they break down into jams,we get glimpses of creativity and awesome guitar solos,but song-wise,they just don’t have any tunes. The encore,a cover of The Stones’ Happy,shows what they can do once they get their paws on an actual song,but one tune per gig just ain’t enough,fellas.

Mat McCroft

Clwb Ifor Bach,Cardiff

Monday November 3

Playing to a small crowd,Culprit 1 kicks things off in a suitably satisfying manner: melodies trickle over crunchy breaks and chunky basses as he makes like big beat never went away. And

bless,he dedicates the set to Iain Duncan Smith,who "probably needs some cheering up right now".

American band Her Space Holiday are up next. They write music that's really made for home listening but manage to hold their own in a live setting,pulling out the occasional Blue Monday-ish electro track to augment their latest album of string-laden,insular pop.

When Manitoba come on stage with two drumming penguins and a bear, things take a turn for the bizarre. Not only do they play two drum kits at once, but also numerous guitars,keyboards,a flute,a sampler and a harmonium. And a projected film of soft toys rocking out. And one of a symmetrical man playing with his nipples. Yet despite all this borderline gimmickry,the music is great too: a dancier,instrumental Yo La Tengo,so summery you forget how bollock-freezingly cold it is outside. Overall, a great,varied night from three shamefully under-appreciated acts. Cassidy Phillips

Barfly,Cardiff

Wednesday October 29

Within 20 minutes of the Barfly’s doors opening,the venue is packed. An errant fire alarm forces an evacuation half an hour later; together with the EMI bigwigs in the crowd waiting to be impressed, it’s a tough situation for any performer. Thea Gilmore,however,is energised by her increasing legions of fans,and utterly unfazed by the circling major labels. Her songs are like bullets; cynical, coruscating takes on politics,society and emotion which never fail to hit their targets. Able to switch up her style as she sees fit - Pirate Moon,tonight dedicated to Elliott Smith,is graceful and elegiac,while Mainstream snipes at corporate pop with the most infectious melody since Girls Aloud - Gilmore revels in the power which comes with popularity. From quick-witted banter to iconic rock star poses to a knack for breathtaking metaphor ("I love you like the tarmac loves the kiss of morning traffic,” she croons),this is displayed in a repertoire which knows few bounds,and which is growing at a rate almost as fast as her audience; despite herself, she could well have the world at her feet - or on its knees,for preferencevery soon. Alex Macpherson

40 Arts

Here’s to googlewhacking

Sherman Theatre

Dave Gorman is a man who has a habit of getting into odd and very funny situations. This show follows on the heels of Are You Dave Gorman?,for which he attempted to meet 54 of his namesakes,and his Better World show,in

The Googlewhack Adventure is a completely unique evening that had people rolling in the aisles from start to finish

which he made an appeal to the public on advice on how to make the world a better place.

The Googlewhack Adventure starts when Gorman gets distracted from writ-

DAVE GORMAN’S GOOGLEWHACK ADVENTURE FROM CALIBAN TO TALIBAN:500 YEARS OF HUMAN INTERVENTION

ing his novel by an email telling him his website contains a googlewhack,which is what happens if you type two words into the Google search engine and find only one website. Naturally intrigued, Gorman sets about finding some googlewhacks of his own and, through a string of extraordinary coincidences,starts off a quest to meet the faces behind the googlewhacked websites.

If this all seems very bizarre, Gorman manages to bring it down to a level of normality whilst specialising in the absurd in every situation. In a way his brand of storytelling isn’t much different from the “A funny thing happened on the way to the theatre” routine,but for two differences. One,it’s all true and two, it’s absolutely hilarious. It’s impossible not to laugh as he explains how he came to play table tennis with a nine year old in a Boston basement and other such situations.

The story constantly twists and turns

and there’s a lot more pathos involved than in some of his previous adventures because this quest is a lot more personal to him. The Googlewhack Adventure is a completely unique evening that had

begin with a seventeenth century shipwreck in the Caribbean is linked to US action in Guatemala via Shakespeare (hence the Caliban in the title). Then he endearingly rambles about Iraq and Afghanistan,often losing his way and asking the audience what point he was trying to make.

Rob Newman appeared to have it all back in the early 90s. One half of Newman and Baddiel is still flying high on the success of The Mary Whitehouse Experience,when women were throwing their knickers on stage at the long-haired comedian who (allegedly) sold out Wembley Arena as part of the double act. Yet after this mammoth gig in 1993,Rob Newman seemed to disappear from the comedy stage only to reappear at the end of the 90s a very different man. It’s Robert now,not Rob,the long hair has gone and his act is a lot more politically motivated.

Hence Newman’s current tour,a satirical account of history inspired by the recent war on terror. From the moment Newman walks on to the Glee Club stage dressed in an oversized waistcoat and baggy trousers,the alternative history lesson begins. To

After the interval,Newman’s history lesson is dumbed down a little as he goes off on more obscure tangents. Going back to his roots,he does perfect impressions of Johnny Rotten, Tony Blair and Officer Dibble. My favourite had to be George Bush Sr and Jr recast as Steptoe and Son. He plays the ukulele and uses music to link jokes together from the previous act. This was refreshing,sharp and very funny political comedy that required all of the audience’s attention.

When Newman nervously paced the stage,it was obvious that he was passionate about what he was saying and he made his audience believe whatever it was he was telling them. It will be interesting to see how his act goes down with the Americans once From Caliban... tours there early next year.

Trina Wallace

JULIAN CASTALDI’S POLAROID PEOPLE OPENING NIGHT (IN AID OF CHILDREN IN NEED) Friday November 21

7-9pm

Washington Gallery,Penarth,Cardiff With DJ set from Jamie (Lostprophets)

Intrepid Quench Arts reporters have learnt of the new arts space in Penarth,the Washington Gallery, and are looking forward to seeing one of their exciting autumn exhibitions,Julian Castaldi’s Polaroid People. A renowned music photographer,Julian Castaldi has made a reputation for himself snapping away at celebrities,from Stereophonics to Tom Jones and Wyclef Jean,and this, his first major exhibition opens with a charity night on Friday 21. For further details contact the gallery directly on 02920 712100,or log on to www.washgallery.co.uk. For further info on Castaldi,check out his website www.juliancastaldi.com.

Robert Newman TheGlee Club

After the comedy value of the first pages,Arts can also bring you some ‘proper’ theatre this week...and an intriguing exhibition

Not such a superstar

What was an otherwise mediocre amateur production by Orbit Theatre was spoilt further by a technical fault. Most of the lyrics in the first half,particularly those sung by the chorus,were barely audible over the droning heavy bass. Judging from the complaints during the interval,it was not just us being deaf.

A modern slant on the last seven days of Jesus’ life,the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical draws the traditional

This production lacked a lot of the energy I have seen in other productions of the musical

emphasis away from Jesus and the disciples,and instead focuses on his superstar status with the masses, Judas Iscariot,and former prostitute

All about nothing Arts

Mary Magdalene. I was disappointed to find that this production generally lacked a lot of the energy I have seen in other productions of the musical. The first half dragged,and although the pace really picked up in the second half,one was left with the feeling that if only they had cut straight to the second half we would not have been so bored.

There were some notable highlights though: the modern set design,consisting mainly of scaffolding,worked well in keeping with the cast’s combat dress. The comedy value of King Herod in semi drag,surrounded by his perverse court of belly dancers and a dominatrix,was one of the best musical scenes.

The crux of the problem for this production appeared to be the title. If the musical had been called Judas Christ Superstar,it would probably get much better reviews. Dave Stephens’ brilliantly convincing portrayal of Judas really stole the show. His enigmatic performance ensured that Judas was quite frankly a far more likable character over the very bland and uncharismatic Jesus. The musical really failed to make his superstar status believable.

Not the best musical production and the most well known songs are not

done justice; worth seeing if you are interested in the alternative slant on Jesus’ last days,but you are not missing out if you don’t. Emma Langley

Apropos is an adjective meaning appropriately or pertinently. The exhibition Apropos Of Nothing therefore refers to the relevance of the creation of this collection,about nothing.

But to define the title is to think too laterally when the whole point of the exhibition is based on the creativity of the mind. It is an exhibition combining three different artists and their installations in what appears to be,at first,an ad hoc manner. Michael Murray,Richard Higlett and Bedwyr Williams work together on a subliminal level to create a number of idiosyncratic pieces.

The overall impression is a sense of quirkiness. They add a new angle on the

aesthetic value of objects that are usually disregarded. There was a satirical humour about the collection,the artists using mundane objects and recreating them. For example,a lump of lard is melted under a hot lamp and used to activate a pulley mechanism which lifts two coloured,inflatable bags in and out of a projector light. It is an exhibition which should be explored first and explained later. Walk around and make your own interpretations before picking up a handout which defines the artists’ intentions.

The collection seems to emphasise how life is out of sync with reality,something which is only realised when we see our actions from an objective point of view. The filing of nails,clicking of pens and tapping of fingers are seen as annoyances but are combined here to create a rhythmic trance which you can only see as humorous.

Apropos Of Nothing uses life’s beauties which are ignored in context but appreciated when highlighted

Apropos Of Nothing uses life’s beauties which are ignored in context but appreciated when highlighted; it is simple but it shouts. This distorted view of life is a refreshing experience which makes you feel very relaxed. It is a good place to go to lighten your spirits,to find humour in the tedious things of life. This interactive exhibition is definitely worth seeing; take company so you can explore the possibilities. The mind is allowed to be creative in idle time,defining the apropos of nothing. Natalie Slater

Michael Murray,Richard Higlet and Bedwyr Willams g39

Devilish:a member of the Jesus Christ Superstar cast revels in her role

Photo:Wilco Stekkinger

Pixar perfect

“To infinity and beyond!”

TOYSTORY 1 & 2 (1995/1999)

Cast: Tom Hanks,Tim Allen

Best character: Rex the Dinosaur – “I don’t like confrontations!”

Woody,Buzz,Rex,Slinky,Wendy, Slotted Pig,Mr Potatohead,Zurg and the aliens have become an institution already. Andy is the luckiest kid in the world - why does he always have to choose only one? Ah,‘tis a sad tale about modern technology warping children’s minds… Not really,just a spoiled child who can’t decide between Buzz and Woody. If you’re already fighting over your favourite then Toy Story’s work is done.

MONSTERS INC (2001)

Cast: John Goodman,Billy Crystal,Steve Buscemi

Best character: Roz – “always watching…”

Big,blue,toothy Sully and green cyclops Mike sound scary but with the help of Billy Crystal’s voiceover they’re hilarious. Pixar do cute so well,and the gibberish of the little girl Boo epitomises this. As always it’s the smaller characters that make the comic timing and remember,a cameo from Rex is in the end credits so don’t stop that tape too quickly!

Cast: Albert Brooks,Ellen DeGeneres, Alexander Gould

Best character: Marlin: the best fish father you could hope for.

Still fresh in my mind is the little-flippered Nemo who oozes cuteness,as well as the many tragedies that strike the clownfishes. It’s got three Aussie sharks on a diet,a fish called Dory with a three-second memory and federation president Barry Fife out of Strictly Ballroom playing a dentist. Flap your fins and fly,my pretties - it’s still in the cinema!

FINDING NEMO (2003)

The Matrix: the Schwarzenegger Connection

By Mat Croft Film Editor

Nowthat he’s a politician,Arnie’s off the big screen. But don’t worry: the Matrix trilogy is keeping his legacy alive.

Let’s start with the superficial evidence. Larry Fishburne,better known as Morpheus,had a small role in 80s Arnie vehicle, Red Heat. So far,so what? Well, Matrix producer Joel Silver produced Arnie’s most muscle-headed efforts, Commando and Predator. Now we’re getting somewhere.

The Matrix’s directors,the Wachowski brothers,are well known for wanting to resurrect the Conan series,in which Arnie played the eponymous Barbarian/Destroyer. So they’re fans, they watch his movies,and they find them more than influential: they got Reloaded’s car chase from Arnie’s robot-traveling-through-time masterpiece, Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Watch it - it’s true!

But it isn’t just actors,producers and car chases the Wachowskis have pillaged from the Governator’s filmic legacy. They’ve even extended their five-finger discount approach to his movies’ plots. Back in 1999,critics praised The Matrix’s Philip K Dick-influenced story. Influence,my buttcheeks. This writer’ll bet those dirty Wachowskis have never even been heard of the guy - the whole

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Dir: Marcus Nispel Cast: Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, Erica Leerhsen

Halloween arrives and another horror film trudges to the screen. Though why anyone felt the need to remake this classic 70s film from Tobe Hooper I do not know. For the uninitiated,the film follows five beautiful and strangely sweaty teenagers travelling across Texas. They unfortunately stumble across a rather crazy and inbred redneck family with a deranged brute of a son called Leatherface who likes chainsaws,sewing, and wearing other people’s faces. While this premise may not be subtle or

plot is stolen from Total Recall,which was adapted from a Philip K Dick novel and starred you-know-who. It’s all there: the bug scene,the “swallow the pill” scene,the memory implant scene,right down to the is-this-the-real-world paranoia. Chuck in a bit of leather,some shades (there’s The Terminator again) and some groundbreaking yet oh-so-silly special effects and voilà: The Matrix

But that clearly isn’t enough. There’s one last dance on Arnie’s (as yet unoccupied) grave left. Keanu Reeves was never a great actor, but now it looks like the Wachowskis have been pointing him to the Austrian Oak for inspiration. Look how slow he’s talking! Reloaded woulda been a 90-minute riot had it not been for Keanu’s slurred delivery. Keep an ear handy during Revolutions: if you listen closely enough,you can almost hear that Austrian twang. Spooky.

For those who haven’t seen Revolutions yet: don’t expect anything clever, but if it’s Transformersstyle robot carnage you’re after,it’s a winner.

Film 43

clever,what else would you expect from a film with the words ‘chainsaw’ and ‘massacre’ in its title? It never pretends to be anything but a big and dumb sledgehammer of a film with the specific intention of making the audience scream,wince,and cry. Thankfully the film never parodies the original or forgets what made it great in the first place. Far too many modern horrorsignore the basics while concentrating on being painfully witty and self-aware. This film joyfully utilises and revels in traditional horror clichés whilst creating genuine moments of the macabre and the grotesque.

Whilst it’ll never reach the terror or the shock of the original this remake does deserve your attention. If you want to be scared or at least shaken in the dark cold nights then watch this film. Failing that,watch the original and understand the true meaning of terror amd horror. Either way you’ll never want to go to Texas to see the cowboys and their pretty horses again I promise.

Craig Driver

Freestyle your mind

Dirtbike

or dirtbox? Craig Driver takes a look at Freestyle Metal X for the PS2..

This game boasts that it will ‘free your mind’. Now,I’m not one to be critical but that’s a blatant lie. The day I play a computer game that frees my mind is the day that I have an unfeasibly large turtle tattooed upon my forehead.

In terms of entertainment value FMX is initially a riot of screeching tyres and gravity defying jumps,though in the already bloated genre of extreme sports games you need more than a quick fix of adrenalin to survive. It shamelessly bases its entire game format on the holy grail that is the Tony Hawk series. Although it successfully pillages the heart and mind of the Hawk,it neglects the personality; the game itself is devoid of any wit or genuine humour. You simply drive from task to task without feeling any real sense of achievement or enjoyment. You can choose between three game types: career mode,party mode or Cindy’s Motocross School (where you can learn tricks and combinations). All three are perfectly satisfactory but never excite as they should or could. The biggest failing of the game,though,is the lack of a two-player option; without the possibility of duelling with your friends in a heated-and-hectic

“I’m sure was riding a bike a minute ago. A nice big one, and

motocross confrontation the game soon begins to feel shallow and limited. The career mode itself is just not addictive or original enough to warrant a purchase.

Secondly,there is the aggravating matter of the soundtrack. Any gaming fan knows that all truly great extreme sports titles should have a soundtrack that echoes and amplifies every back-breaking twist and turn; however, is merely content to attach a pathetic ten-song playlist in the vain hope of conveying some heavy metal credibility. The sad fact is that three of those ten songs are by Motörhead. I adore Motörhead,but thanks to this game’s meagre musical range every Ace Of Spades now inspires revulsion rather than adulation.

Do not despair,though, for the game does have a saving grace.

One of the options available in career mode is ‘Human Dart,’ which involves riding as fast as you can at a brick wall and hurtling your rider into a huge fiery pit of hell in

everything”

order to score points depending on wheretheir crippledbody falls. Apart from this moment of clarity,all you’re get here is a cheap and weathered whore of a game that’s content to rest on its laurels. It seems that Turtle tattoo will just have to remain a wishful dream for a little bit longer.

Coming Soon..

We here at Digital are creaming our collective jeans over the prospect of Mario Kart: Double Dash. A review should be forthcoming next ish. We’re also having a big old retro blowout,and we need your input. Got a favourite game from the 80s or early 90s that you want to tell the world about? Send us a 100 word review at grdigital@cf.ac.uk,and we’ll reward the best with some random tat from the office. Hurrah!

Digital Pornstar vs Goth 45

Tired of celebrity worship culture? Can’t get enough of it?

Whatever; Celebrity Deathmatch is for you. Craig Driver investigates

Ioncehad a dream in which I gleefully smashed Busta Rhymes’ head into a brick wall before softly articulating the many reasons for which I believed he should stop making music. Never believing that I would have this opportunity,I settled back down to a life of cynicism and resentment aimed at the contents of many a Heat magazine. Then this game arrived on my lap and I rejoiced. At last I could slaughter,dismember,and ridicule a variety of celebrities without any just fear of imprisonment or guilt.

The crazed late-night MTV show that warmed many a student heart has finally come to the PlayStation2, and thankfully none of the depraved stupidity of the show has been lost. There’s no pretence of intelligence or high-brow aesthetics here.

You can choose from over 25 celebrities to joyfully massacre. Personal favourites include Justin Timberlake,Marilyn Manson,Anna Nicole Smith,and Mr T. What the game may lack in longevity it certainly makes up for in immediate

BenWright delves into a world of pixellated sprites and bleepy SFX in preparation for our upcoming retro special

http://www.mame.net/

The80s. What did they ever do for us? Margaret Thatchet. Crap hairstyles and the electro-pop warblings of the Human League. Great. But it wasn’t all that bad,as the arcade games of the time were more classy than your average aristocrat. And that’s where MAME comes in. The Multiple Arcade Machine Emulator (as it’s known to its mum) is the gaming equivalent of Kazaa,where you can download all arcade classics such as the brilliant Sega classic Galaga and the wrist-killing competiveness of

I think that this whole scene speaks for itself, don’t you?

unabashed comedic brutality; the two commentators and their witty asides are entertaining enough in their own right. A highlight? Marilyn Manson stabbing a voodoo doll of Justin Timberlake before pulling his bruised remains into the vortex of hell. While the game admittedly doesn’t really take much skill to master,it is hard to ignore the charm of a premise that combines celebrities with carnage and

a bucketful of comedy. If you want a fighting game that doesn’t take an eternity of patience to master (Soul Calibur 2,I’m looking at you..) then please buy this game. Not only will it satisfy your thirst for celebrity blood but it will also make you laugh until you can laugh no more. Right,now I’m off to argue my point just one more time with Mr Rhymes…

The MAME event

Track And Field - the latter involves wiggling your joystick (and not in the way you were thinking) to make your, erm,athlete run faster. There’re plenty of ‘old school classics’: they’ve even got Donkey Kong and the frustratingly difficult Buck Rogers. It’s fairly easy to navigate the site,although it does look a bit on the bland side.

The most endearing aspect about this site is that - unlike in the good ol’ days - you don’t have to wait 20 minutes for the game to load, Commodore 64 style,or even nag your mum for that elusive ‘twenty more pence’ down at the arcade. However,be warned: the site is a little dubious legally,and with lawsuits for people downloading software being handed out like condoms at a family planning clinic,it’s best that you don’t try it on the university network. Oh, and one more thing. If you’ve got an essay to do and,like me,you leave it to the last minute,don’t go near this

site. It will have you playing endlessly for hours, wishing that you were being shouted at by your mum for being five minutes late for dinner and prised away from these games. A brilliant site that reminds you that the 80s weren’t that shit after all.

46 Books

Welcome to your definitive guide to all that’s cool in the world of literature this fortnight

MRS SARTORIS

Elke Schmitter

Faber & Faber

This book centres around the main character,Margaret,who after being jilted by her rich boyfriend at 18 falls into a comfortable and mundane marriage to a rather boring man called Ernst. After years of this stifling marriage and the birth of a spoilt,wayward daughter,Margaret finds herself falling into an affair with a married man with whom she plans to elope.

Throughout Mrs Sartoris are passages referring to a hit-and-run incident. It becomes clear,as we are gently fed more information,that Margaret is responsible for the incident. The identity of the victim is left to our imagination until the end of the novel when all becomes clear and we're put out our misery.

The dark undertones of the hit and run save Mrs Sartoris from falling into the all-too-familiar category of married,middle-aged woman has affair with married man plot. The changing time periods mean that the book is often confusing,and I finished realising that I knew little about the actual personalities of some of the main characters. However generally I really enjoyed it,and the dark 'my mum’s a murderer' subplot certainly makes it more interesting. Liz Field

ry. It's not that the issues are uninteresting or insignificant,though. I'm sure we'd all like to believe we could sit down and read this book and not get in the slightest bit bored. Still,I found it a struggle to get past the first chapter and I've always been interested in the Cuban revolution and guerrilla warfare. So I think this is one for the history and politics buffs,or anyone who wants to start a guerrilla movement!

THE THIRD SEX:KATHOEY:

LADYBOYS

ing. This might be connected to the fact that his repertoire of adjectives consists solely of numbers and colours. Then there’s the fact that he constantly misuses commas and writes non-sentences,something we all know only James Joyce is allowed to do because he’s so clever he’s nobody’s bitch.

If you have an interest in kathoey, it’s therefore recommended that you turn your attentions elsewhere.

Che Guevara is one of the most famous and critically acclaimed political figures of our time,an icon of revolution among youth and students particularly. You may not know what he stood for or what he achieved in his lifetime but you will all be familiar with his image which is seen everywhere from posters to t-shirts.

Guerrilla Warfare is Che Guevara's own story of the Cuban revolution. Written shortly afterwards,it was originally intended to be a guide to starting a guerrilla movement; a manual for a wide scale revolution. This isn't exactly bed time reading and probably not ideal for those who don't really have a keen interest in political histo-

If this can get published,anything can. Totman spent four years researching this book,but it’s difficult to fathom just what he was hoping to achieve. The book’s fundamental tension is that it attempts to be of both literary and academic interest. It is split into chapters,some of which are narratives,adapted from stories that the kathoey (ladyboys) told him,and others explore the subject in reference to several disciplines: biologically,religiously,historically,culturally and even statistically. Sound ambitious? All the more so,since Totman’s literary attempts are about as accomplished as a celebrity autobiography, and he doesn’t appear to be an academic in any of these fields. He has,in fact,been described as ‘a theatre director-cum-psychologist’. Clearly they’re a dying breed in modern Britain,but imagine the lost opportunity: Freud: The Musical even Tarantino syndrome...

The narrative chapters are particularly cringeworthy. He has yet to find the middle ground between cliché and esoteric nonsense. Totman’s prose is like “an old-fashioned clockwork toy you wound up to full tension before releasing its catch”,with all the “elegance of a raccoon flying through the tops of coconut trees”, to use two of his own idiotic metaphors. In fact,he skilfully manages to render the intriguing topic of kathoey entirely bor-

Perhaps to the Bangkok Ladyboys’ "greatest hits" tour. If you enjoy bad grammar,however,then nothing beats some genuine Thai mistranslation,so I leave you with an extract from Thailand’s Cupidy Massage leaflet, which also uses the English language with all the elegance of a raccoon: “Another place with good comfort and luxurious building at the height 18 floor. You will touch with a good service and selected beautiful lady of good courtesy to take care of you. Or if you wish to rest with the drink and listen to the good music from beautiful singer lady. ” Eleri Lloyd

Che Guevara

Souvenir Press

Sarah Ahmad

Richard Totman Souvenir Press

GUERRILLA WARFARE

BEDSIDE STORIESCONFESSIONS OFA JUNIOR DOCTOR

Michael Foxton Guardian Books

Michael Foxton has been writing a column for the Guardian on his life and work in the NHS,and this book is a collection of those essays. It follows Dr Foxton from first qualifying,through medical and surgical rotations,to his current post working in psychiatric medicine.

The book is very short but is a challenge to read; because this is a collection of essays there is very little continuity between chapters. It also uses slightly quirky medical humourthe drug company rep sells ‘quaxipram’,and Foxton lives on the hospital site in Bedside Manors - and assumes the reader has some knowledge of the NHS,and of the staff who work within it.

The book is full of dark humour; for example,when Foxton administers the antidote to a heroin overdose (“The patient sits bolt upright and demands to know what the fuck you think you’re doing wasting £10 worth of prime smack that he had to work really hard for”) and the “incredible boozing man” caught drinking the alcohol hand wash.

It is not just witty medical anecdotes. There are moments of deep, complex emotion and humanity –

sleep.

By using humour,Foxton is able to make very serious and provocative points to the reader about the pressures in the NHS (where else would there be “centres of excellence in the most crack-ridden,poor and racially diverse parts of the city”?),about hospital managers who work junior doctors seventy hours a week yet go home at five each evening.

This small book is a worth-while read; it is extremely comical,dark and provocative. Andy Lightfoot

THE MOJO COLLECTION

Edited by Jim Irvin and Colin McLear Canongate

As a reference book,this does not take the ‘everything you’ll ever need to know about’ approach. Instead,as with Mojo magazine itself,it assumes that its readers are interested in quality over quantity. Luckily,however,its editors are interested in both. At over 800 pages,you will never read the whole thing,but dip in and out as you wish.

For the most part,every page is devoted to a groundbreaking,or ‘classic’ album. Additional tracklisting information,production credits,etc., mean that you get complete information on each. These mini-essays,written retrospectively,include contextual information and a review of the album,all written with the quality you

Books

deservedly represented,as are Robert Johnson and Hank Williams.

For music lovers,this is pretty much essential. It would work perfectly in conjunction with Martin C Strong’s The Great Rock Discography, which gives you all the releases of the artists you liked in this Mojo Collection. Jason Draper

Titan Books

Transformers,the cult phenomenon,is back in the new format of a comic strip. City Of Fear is produced exclusively for the UK and is part of a more up-to-date collection of stories that are just as good as the original sagas. The story is based on Ultra Magnus (Cybertron’s greatest warrior) returning home to find his planet in great trouble. A former autobot called Flame has set out to burn Cybertron and all its cities whilst destroying its inhabitants. It is Ultra Magnus' job to hunt down and kill Flame before it's too late.

course,the big players are all pres-

metal,it’s all in here,offering

buy them,it should help broaden

devoted to areas such as soundtracks and compilations. Thus,

City Of Fear is a worthwhile read with some excellent artwork. It’s full of nostalgia

Simon Furnham,Dan Reed, Robin Smith (illustrator),Jeff Anderson (illustrator)

Back by popular demand! This fortnight, Perri Lewis gives us a lesson in David Lodge

“Two professors of English Literature approached each other at a combined velocity of 1200 miles per hour”: as the opening lines of Changing Places suggest,David Lodge is no ordinary academic novelist. His blend of dry humour,complex register and distinct style is evident through his novels and is one of the many reasons I have become an avid fan of his writing.

Born in South London on January 28 1935,Professor David Lodge studied at University College London,where he is now an Honorary Fellow. He taught at the University of Birmingham from 1960 to 1987,when he retired to devote himself to full time writing; he still remains a professor and fellow of many universities around the world.

Lodge’s first novels (The Picturegoers (1960), The British Museum Is Falling Down (1965)) reflect his Catholic upbringing,and his experiences during

After watching the BBC’s ‘Big Read’ campaign over the last few weeks,I asked myself: what exactly is wrong with this country’s reading population? There was,what, one book from the second half of the 20th century,never mind anything written by anyone who might actually still be alive. And it’s not like there aren’t thousands of fantastic contemporary novels around - they top bestsellers lists every year - so why do old (and boring) books dominate the country’s top 21? Let’s face it - not for their free-flowing prose. Anyone unlucky enough to have been forced to claw their way through Austen or Hardy will appreciate that having to read five or so pages of solid descrip-

World War II have also been a great influence (Ginger,You’re Barmy (1962), Out Of The Shelter (1970)).

As well as being an incredibly suc-

work for television. Comfortable writing both fiction and non-fiction,his most recent offering is Consciousness And The Novel (2002),a collection of essays about the representation of human consciousness in fiction.

Lodge’s novels boast a unique style that keeps the reader entertained and engaged in the text. He is perhaps most renowned for his changing of forms; Changing Places glides from narrative to script, Thinks… from email to stream of consciousness. Such an innovative approach to literature is a key characteristic of his fictional work.

Lodge: Nice work!

cessful and respected novelist,Lodge is also an acclaimed playwright and scriptwriter,adapting much of his own

The books may require a little more attention than your average Mills and Boon,but once you’ve picked one up you simply cannot put it down. Lodge is a wonderful author,brimming with new ideas. With such a vibrant career behind him and still writing aged 68, the possibilities are endless.

In this issue’s student rant, Stephanie Fuller tells us why old books are just plain rubbish

tion just to discover that someone made a cup of tea is not exactly easy reading.

And surely no one can claim that their plots are exciting either,even in comparatively racy old books like Tess Of The D’Urbervilles. First year English students are assured that it features illegitimate pregnancy,secret loves and even rape,but nothing actually happens! Feeling hopeful about the exciting content of said book I stumbled through it,ever anticipating the naughty scenes. But no,not a word about nakedness of any kind and no mention of any sexual incidents,be they consensual or otherwise. Indeed, many students were most surprised when Tess popped out her little blighter as there was no conception: in the words of one student,“I thought she just fell asleep.” And fall asleep did everyone who read this and other boring old books like it. Nothing actually happens in old books! People can pretend they’ve read them all,but I very much doubt it - how can Ulysses be in the top 100 best reads? Only about two people in the world have read it ever,and one

was James Joyce’s crazy old self. Not only do people pretend to have read the books,they have the cheek to pretend to have enjoyed them as well. Why?,I hear you ask. Well,it’s just so that they can make themselves look even bigger and cleverer than they usually like to pretend they are when the inevitable ‘my favourite book’ conversation comes up at their sophisticated wine-bar nights out. These are the people who are all “yeah,I loved War And Peace so much I just had to vote for it in that Big Read thing, I’ve read it five times, it’s just so exciting.” Yeah,and my name’s Fanny Price! Old books are boring and everyone that says otherwise can kiss my big,bookshaped arse!

Respect in retrospect

SLINT

Spiderland (1991) Touch And Go Records

At the 80s/90s crossroads, Britain was going manic over Madchester, emphatic over ecstasy, and The Happy Mondays neatly summed up the state of the nation. Yuck. Luckily,on the other side of the Atlantic,a quieter,more sinister evolution was occurring.

Slint formed from the ashes of various doom-ridden or,more specifically, doomed art-rock combos in 1987 in a ghostly suburb of Louisville,Kentucky. Their first album, Tweez,went largely unnoticed despite its frenzied guitar manglings,but it was their second and unfortunately final album, Spiderland, which matured their growing status into that of unrivalled genius. At the time of its release,Slint’s sound - a fractured blend of apocalyptic post-rock, grotesquely distorted alt.country and hardcore-meets-Crazy Horse sounded like nothing else. Despite only being spread across six tracks,the sheer emotional weight Slint created was completely unrivalled,and they still stand alone as creators of some of the most sinister,yet ultimately beautiful sounds ever created. It’s most notable on the album’s three epics,including devastating closer Good Morning Captain,which each tell their own story through Brian MacMahon’s breathy monologues and articulated wailing.

Their influence has touched many: it’s most evident on Mogwai’s Come On Die Young,Will Oldham’s Palace and Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy,and recent material from Songs: Ohia,though nobody except maybe the latter has ever quite captured the untold horrors and escalating madness beneath Spiderland’s surface. Not entirely surprisingly,the band imploded after the release,and with the exception of one rare limited edition untitled single never released any more material. Each member has,however,gone on to more high profile work,most notably guitarist Dave Pajo,whose Papa M project and work with Billy Corgan’s short-lived Zwan have since brought new fans.

Slint are unlikely to be remembered as the most important band on music’s great timeline,but for fans of any form of dynamic post-rock,hardcore,or just plain dark, horrible music, Spiderland is, somewhat ironically,the musical equivalent of “In the beginning,there was light...” John Widdop

THE SECRET HISTORY HEATHERS

Donna Tartt (1993) Penguin Books

Describing a piece of work as “a cross between X and Y” is the hallmark of a lazy hack; however,in the case of The Secret History the comparison is too tempting to pass up. Also,I’m a lazy hack.

In TSH,Tartt successfully takes the bleary-eyed world view of American well-to-do youth as perfected by Bret Easton Ellis and integrates it with the layered intrigue and tortured self-analysis of Fyodor Dostoevsky.

The plot follows jaded Californian slacker Richard as he strives to reinvent himself and his past,initially to work his way into a respected New England university,and subsequently to ingratiate himself with a mysterious-but-fascinating clique of ancient history students. Each of Richard’s new best friends is a colourful enigma: the effeminate,pince-nez-wearing Francis; the twins,so floating and dreamlike that they seem translucent on the page; the annoying-but-endearing all-American boy Bunny; and finally,the utterly opaque Henry who remains unreadable to the very last. Richard finds himself increasingly intertwined with the group,his affections for each of them growing by the day. He is also aware,however,that they hold secrets between one another that don’t concern him,and understandably his paranoia and frustration reach fever pitch. What then follows is a series of revelations and events which goes beyond Richard’s wildest expectations.

The book covers a wide range of themes,but none so effectively as power and control; by their involvement with one another,and their knowledge of the past,the members of the group (Richard included) elevate themselves to the status of minor deities. Everyday concerns - the news,the weather - become irrelevant,and they eventually grant themselves the ultimate power of life and death (oblivious to the influence of a single,dark,controlling factor in their midst).

Now’s the perfect time to revisit this classic: a movie adaptation is rumoured,and Tartt’s follow-up The Little Friend is riding high in the charts. A real meaty treat to get your teeth into. Gareth Lloyd

Dir:Michael Lehmann (1989)

What makes a film a cult classic? A plethora of previously unknown acting talent who go on to wealth and fame? An appearance by an actor or actress who died before their time and remains forever immortalised on celluloid? A script so quotable that numerous extracts from it go on to enter the cultural lexicon of an entire generation?

Heathers contains all of these.

Starring Winona Ryder in her first major film role,Christian Slater before he became an alcoholic,drug-addicted wife beater and Shannen Doherty before she became blacklisted by Spelling Productions,it’s a teen movie with a crucial difference.

Veronica (Ryder) is an honorary member of the most powerful clique in school,which consists of three other girls,all called Heather. However,she isn’t happy with her lot; after participating in one too many lunchtime polls and a regrettable incident involving vomit at a frat party to which Heather #1 takes her,she rebels and hooks up with the black-clad,gun-carrying JD (Slater). Together,they accidentally-onpurpose kill Heather #1,then mask their involvement by disguising her death as a suicide. While Veronica is horrified at her actions,JD is enthusiastic about ridding their school of a host of its popular crowd. As Veronica concisely notes in her diary,soon her “teen-angst bullshit has a body count”.

Heathers succeeds in portraying the stereotypical,clichéd characters who populate the student body in all their nasty glory: the popular girls who rule their school with an iron fist (Heather #1: “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, do I look like Mother Teresa? Perhaps if I did,I wouldn't mind hanging out with the scum of the school”),the repressed homosexual sporting stars (JD: “The football season's over. All Kurt and Ram had to offer were date rape and bad Aids jokes),the freaks and geeks and fat kids. A parody,a black comedy and a social commentary all rolled into one glorious package,it’s the definitive teen film,and a must-see for adolescents everywhere. Jane Eyre

50 Going out

Looking for somewhere new to eat,drink or chill out? This issue we bring you the old, the new and the chilled out!

Whitchurch Road

The Heath can be found bang on the corner of Whitchurch Road,at the top of Crwys Road. It’s a huge bar and restaurant which is well worth a visit. The bar is a nice mixture of old and new: one section has a very traditional,homely feel with a fireplace and old oak tables,while another section is dedicated to pub sports with a pool table and widescreen TV showing Sky Sports,as well as numerous games machines scattered around. There’s also a large restaurant area with a more modern feel to it. The whole place feels spacious and there are plenty of seats everywhere so you won’t have a problem finding somewhere to sit. The bar staff are extremely friendly and eager to please,and make you feel really welcome.

Drinks prices are very reasonable: pints and bottles are at prices to match any of the other student pubs around. Bottles of wine are £6.99 or a large glass is £2.80. There’s also a very impressive bar menu,which has all the classic hangover cures and meals are served all day. Old favourites like scampi,lasagne and steak are all around the £5 mark and they do a simply gorgeous roast on Sundays.

It can get really busy,especially during weekends when there’s always a good mix of students and locals propping up the bars. But if you go along on a week night you may find the atmosphere a bit too quiet and lacking the charisma of some of the other local student haunts - but if you’re in a relaxed mood,why not go along and judge for yourself…

Katy Davies

Caroline Street

The first thing you need to know about this restaurant is where to find it. Go to St Mary Street,turn left into Caroline Street (better known as Chip Alley),and halfway down on the left you’ll find La Tasca. You’ll inevitably

be drenched from the rain and cold from the wind,but you’ll the warmth of the atmosphere inside will warm your cockles. The restaurant is brand new and designed to make you feel like you’re in another country: flattering candles light the room and the long benches are scattered with colourful Mediterranean cushions.

This Spanish themed restaurant serves a huge selection of traditional tapas and gorgeous paellas. We tried about eight of the tapas dishes,ranging from queso machego (Spanish cheese with basil and tomato) to langostinos à la planche (grilled tiger prawns with lemon and sea salt). Prices are quite reasonable - each tapas dish ranged from £2 to £4 - but you’ll need to pick at least two or three to fill you up. Drinks include traditional sangria,familiar to all those who’ve been to the Med before, and a good selection of red and white wines as well as cervezas (beer!).

La Tasca is a lovely restaurant where you can really relax and enjoy yourself. It’s a good change from the normal restaurants you’d usually encounter and it made us feel really quite posh - darling! Take all your mates to see if you can collectively sample all 34 of the tapas dishes on

offer - and have fun making a fool of yourselves trying to pronounce them all correctly!

Katy Davies

THE SODA BAR

St Mary Street

The Soda Bar is designed to appeal to anyone who aspires to be part of the Sex AndThe City scene. It is also a far cry from the mass of generic student hang-outs which appear throughout Cardiff. You would be lucky to find even a hint of cheese in this bar,as its music policy is strictly chillout and eclectic funk. The drinks aren’t cheap - for example,cocktails are £10 a jug,which will serve four, and a Budweiser is £3 - but the candlelit atmosphere,lilies and leather sofas are a luxurious justification for paying slightly more.

This is a bar in which to quaff drinks and mingle,safe in the knowledge that it would be impossible not to feel beautiful in an interior like this. Located on St Mary Street (opposite Edward’s),The Soda Bar is a beautifully well-kept secret and the ideal location for a truly stylish 21st. Ruth Truslove

Got any favourite pubs, clubs or restaurants you think we should all know about? Why not send us your reviews!

Email: grmagazine@cf.ac.uk

Next week... we review the Toucan

LA TASCA

Dates or just mates?

Let’s see if the sparks were flying for our fourth couple in our candle lit date at

Girl’s profile:

Name - Katy Starke

Age - 22

StudyingInternational Public Relations MA

Katy on Elgan:

What were your first impressions of Elgan?

Quite quiet,but he had very nice manners. How was the date? It was relaxed.

Were there any awkward or funny moments? No,none at all.

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle Blind Date Editor

How was the conversation? We weren’t stuck for things to talk about and found out we were from the same area,which started the converstaion off nicely!

Did you swap phone numbers?

Guy’s profile:

Name - Elgan Iorwerth

Age - 20

Studying - Computer Systems Engineering

Elgan on Katy:

What were your first impressions of Katy? She was really good looking,nice and talkative. We got on straight away. How was the date?

Really good. It turned out we were from the same area which was cool.

Were there any awkward or funny moments? No awkward or funny moments at all.

How was the conversation?

Good,she was easy to talk to. Did you swap phone numbers?

Do you need a free meal and a chance for romance? If so,then drop me a line with your age,sexuality and the type of person you’d like to date at grblinddate@cf.ac.uk or on 07800 916077. Alternatively,if you’ve got a juicy question you’d like our dates to answer,I’d love to hear from you!

a shot in the dark is open ‘til 11,seven days a week. Coffee bar with BYO license! Own roasted coffee. Next to Wetherspoon’s,City Rd 02920 472300

Postcards from France

By Andrew Davidson,Grenoble

Phat meals,but not fat bellies.

As a nation,British people are fat. Not as fat as North Americans,but stinking fat nonetheless. Yes,obesity is an illness and yes,I know that if people want to eat lots then it’s up to them – they should feel happy looking how they do. But let’s make a comparison,if we can: promenading down the boulevards of Grenoble,or any other French city for that matter,one seldom sees a dispropor- tionately overweight person. I’m not sorry,it’s true. Walk down Queen Street,on the other hand, and you’ve got yourself a different panorama, quite possibly in widescreen. It strikes me that this is because French people eat sturdy meals on a regular basis. Whilst bio- chemically the gourmand lifestyle may not,at first glance,appear particularly conducive to a trim waistline what with it’s abundant use of fat,sugar and salt,it gives way to a very disciplined pattern of eating behaviour. In France,a midday meal is an occasion,as is a late evening dinner. Rarely are the French seen to be munching on Nestlé-pro-

Postcards from Sicily

By Sarah Cummins,Catania

Finding accommodation in Cardiff can be a nightmare,but finding accommodation in the land of the Mafia is even worse.

Three days after our arrival in Catania,Sicily’s second city,two very nervous Erasmus Cardiffians spent an afternoon being hung up on by antiEnglish,impatient Italian landlords. Finally,with the help of a friend,appointments for viewings are made and having been warned of the demand for apartments,we take the first we see.

Another three days pass and we are yet to see our seven other flatmates - come to mention it,we haven’t seen anyone else in the entire building,and it is rapidly becoming clear why. Neither of our toilets,one of which is to be shared by eight students,flush. It then turns out there is

duced comfort food,and far less do they get caught scoffing E-number enriched muck between meals. Hence,they eat handsomely,but they eat with dignity at appointed times.

In this way,more on the plate might well mean less on waist.

no hot water in the kitchen and the gas hobs don’t work.

So,Harnoop and I spend our first weekend in beautiful Sicily hungry,desperate for the toilet and unable to clean anything. However,in true British style,our biggest concern is the lack of a lead for the kettle.

As it turns out our flatmates are very nice, but the apartment just gets worse. Following a three-hour,candle-lit conversation during Italy’s blackout I awoke to find a swimming pool for a kitchen. It appears our windows are not watertight,and not only are they leaking but so is our draining system: consequently,the only running water in the kitchen runs down the walls.

Italian Lesson One: Appreciate the services of Cardiff’s Key Let and always carry a travel kettle.

Postcards from Cardiff (to Switzerland)

By Florina Schwander

Llygweryqwpwolluphwitchaylegrwullt = some- thing like ‘my dears from home’

This is my first postcard I shall send you from my temporary new home in Cardiff. I accepted this task on my quest to get involved in uni life and also to get to know people. As Switzerland is not part of the EU,I am not a proper Erasmus student and am therefore regarded as a Cardiff student by my department - administratively,that is. Which is great,as I can take any lectures that I want,but means that it is harder to find friends,as I’m not that involved in all those international events for Erasmus students. How many times have I heard: "But no,love,you can’t do this,you’re Swiss!" or "Don’t worry,darling,you’re Swiss". Right.

Now,what shall I tell you about Cardiff without offending some of my new mates (not that we are mating,it’s just a familiar expression for friends…) or sounding too boring? I won’t let you know,for example,about that bloke I saw the other night, standing in the middle of the street in his under- pants,showering himself with beer – possibly in the vain hope to get externally drunk. I cannot write to you about the ghastly student housing that I’ve seen: loos covered in sick,living

room jungles,smelly kitchens and gardens where people truly planted beer bottles. Instead,I shall start this first postcard with something nice and gentle,the place where I spend my breaks. While writing this postcard I am sitting in the cafeteria of the humanities building,where both my depart- ments are located and where I have all my lectures and seminars.

With Elvis in the background I dip my lovely orig- inal king-size choc top flapjack in some coffee and wonder once again at the marvellous taste of the designer who put all those charming flowery and colourful carpets on the floor. I quite like this place,as it’s less seen-and--be-seeny than our mensa in Bern. I remember that in my first year in Bern I actually did not dare cross the canteen but preferred to walk around it. The very cool,intellec- tual people smoking and engaged in animated dis- cussions around the small bistro tables intimidated me. Now I sometimes miss the heavy cloud of smoke and the hidden check-out glances from behind the coffee bar. The atmosphere in Cardiff is totally different - I actually come here to do some work,as the cafeteria is properly heated,therefore not as freezing cold as the library. And yes,I con- fess,the nice muffins help too. Although,I’ve heard some of my fellow students complain that they don’t serve beer… Oh well,but who can eat crisps at nine in the morning,anyway?

“He talks a good game”

Savouring its rare visit with fervour and allowing each exposed goose bump to show my excitement and mark the novelty,Spurs’ victory chant boomed from White Hart Lane’s PA system.

Unconfined by my inhibitions,I danced to “glory,glory Tottenham Hotspur”,unlocking an ecstasy too long suppressed by the failures of this once great club.

But the carnival atmosphere was not as powerful and engulfing as my distant memory recalled. Looking around there were no fireworks or even a unifying song; rather,the reticence I had left at the turnstiles came back to scold my lack of self control.

Feeling the embarrassment burning my skin,I escaped the ground with some other miserable souls,meandering through a herd of zombies and desperately wondering where the life had gone from football.

Across in north London,“Highbury the library” lived up to its nickname and heightened my concerns. Not even a display by the world’s finest footballers could lift this crowd to a solitary Mexican wave.

And likewise at big stadiums all around the country. Built like cathedrals where fans pay their respect and wages to the great footballers plying their trade within these shores,such grounds are testament to the architects

Please FA, can we have our spectator sport back? Sports writer of the year Riath AlSamarrai speaks from the terraces

who thrust them into the skylines of our cities.

But the same designers are also responsible for concreting over what is sacred to our national game.

The emergence of big screens,executive boxes and colourful fold-up chairs, configured to “create a better and more pleasant family environment at grounds,” has strangled the vitality and intensity out of football.

If I wanted a family environment I would stay at home and peruse a photo album.

“If I wanted a family environment I would stay at home and peruse a photo album ”

No. I want a meat pie,a programme and 90 minutes of thrills,experienced with thousands of likeminded others who - irrespective of race,class or politics - are unified by their desire for the team to do well.

Cue Underhill. Barely a mile from its more prestigious North London rivals, the home of non-league Barnet FC is drastically different. Rusted corrugated iron roofing and barbed wire fencing are as suitable for this club as the marble halls are at Arsenal,yet behind the modest surroundings and awful players lie the deepest roots of football.

A club well below the reach of commercial interest,Barnet has preserved football in its most raw form and reveals its attraction to anyone who has forgotten the allure of a live game. Each minute is cheered from the terraces as if it were the last,while every player is either hailed or hated with all the crowd’s energy and passion.

Here,adrenaline - that time-honoured scapegoat of male behaviour - flows freely to one and all wearing a scarf and choking down Bovril.

Grown men cry while hoards of strangers dance together to mark the dual presence of suffering and celebration in a way no other society can replicate.

Only the compact surroundings of the terraces and the tribal culture it attracts can coax such a range of emotions from those enclosed in this community.

Covering the concrete haven are men bursting out of dated replica shirts,offering their own unique brand of expletives,constantly fighting for a verbal victory over opposing fans,while buoying up their teams with equal determination and good nature.

It puts a value on the presence of supporters,allowing them to indulge in an activity more satisfying than just handing over money,sitting down and going home again.

So long as the enthusiasm remains uncorrupted by malice and violence,it is an area of the game I would welcome back,saving it from the spreading epidemic of endless empty seats and boredom.

with nowt taken out

Oh dear,oh dear,oh dear. A passer-by just stopped me,saying “it’s not Halloween anymore – you can take that mask off now”. But seriously, folks,what is the point? It’s nearly Christmas already,and none of my geese are fattened for market. Whatever will I do?

Is it just me,or is this year’s media uproar over the Turner Prize finalists just a bit too strained? Have you noticed that actual criticism has encroached into the annual “my sixyear-old boy could do that/shocking waste of you,the public’s money” shitstorm? Something has gone awry if rationality and balanced argument has entered into the widespread coverage if modern art. As every schoolboy knows,if a newspaper (other than a Sunday broadsheet) reports on modern art it MUST be compared – and always in a bad light – with 19th century figurative painting, which is of course the only good art in the world. To illustrate this,an example of degenerate art is placed next to a Pre-Raphaelite maiden,with captions pointing out the differences – just to avoid confusion. No one must dare even think “Christ,it’s been a quiet week”. This year,however,the finalists’ work has not been of a sufficiently shocking standard.

Some skeletons covered in creepycrawlies hanging off a tree? Hell,I bet even Richard Littlejohn thinks that looks cool. And that’s supposed to be shocking? Bah! The Chapman brothers’ fascination with the later works of Goya only highlights the fact that their take (presumably described as ‘postmodern’,whatever the hell that means) on his work lacks the grotesque liveliness of the originals. What’s more,it exposes their lack of purpose,other than that of “look, mummy,I’m eating worms”. If the artist and judges involved with the Turner wish to retain their status as enfants terribles,then I suggest they get on with some proper art like that of the 60s and 70s,with guns and blood and opera and stuff. Either that,or rediscover the sort of political conviction born of the terrifying prospect of mutually-assured destruction.

Timeless questions of popular culture – answered! No 2: how much oil would a gumboil boil,if a gumboil could boil oil? It is estimated that the average gumboil,if working conscientiously,would be able to boil an impressive 14 gallons of oil. That’s just over seven cauldron’s worth,or thirty rebellious peasants maimed. By the way,gentle readers,if any of you

would be so good as to inform us what a gumboil is,we would be grateful.

Oh,my dears,what with Bonfire Night and Halloween both gone,what excuse exists for pubescent tearaways to cause general mayhem and petty crime? There’s nothing quite like Samhain for creating a smokescreen for the discerning hoodlum,as excrement,fire,eggs and petty theft combine in an orgy of ‘tradition’ (circa 1950s America). But now this sort of behaviour has reverted back to being violence and terror,rather than innocent pranks gone that little bit too far – once more,old people can lie awake in fear,and the Echo fills its columns with the suburban horror stories we know and love. Filthy little bastards.

Now I bet some of you are asking yourselves whether “filthy little bastards” refers to rogue elements in the local youth,or to the staff of the South Wales Echo. It’s the former. Honestly.

Ah well,yet another page draws to a close. Yet another wrinkle on your face,another line about the eyes,and another day closer to death (or Christmas,whichever is closer).

Your Horoscopes with Madame Cynthia

Scorpio

(Oct 23 - Nov 22)

Birthdays are overrated things to celebrate,especially yours. Why not commemorate the opening of an ice-cold beer instead? That’s more like it.

Sagittarius

(Nov 23 - Dec 21) Are you some kind of moron? Do you think the media is run by a sinister alliance of communists and liberals? Then I’ve got just the job for you - Denis Thatcher. That position has lain vacant for too long.

Capricorn

(Dec 22 - Jan 20) Don’t you think you’re a bit too old for all this astrology nonsense? I mean,it’s a bit of a stupid way to live life,innit?

Aquarius

(Jan 21 - Feb 18) You again! By all rights your hideously mutilated corpse should have only just washed ashore. Oh,right,that’s next week. Sorry.

Pisces

(Feb 19 - Mar 20) I’d advise against selling your soul to the Devil,but it’s your choice nonetheless. Just don’t come running to me when he sells it on to Bernard Manning. Or Les Dennis. And don’t try and pretend he won’t.

Aries

(Mar 21 - Apr 20) You will discover a brand new method of crossing the road,but naysayers will condemn it as foolish and unsuccessful. They won’t even attend the inquest.

Taurus

(Apr 21 - May 21) Look out for some interesting news in the newspaper on Wednesday. That’s right - a free sausage roll for every reader! You shall eat well today, my friend.

Gemini

(May 22 - June 22) Your new career as a director of children’s films gets off to a shaky start. Maybe Leroy’s Adventures In Underpants isn’t suited for a matinée performance.

Cancer

(June 22 - July 22) You will find yourself on the run from a team of chefs hell-bent on boiling you alive as of next week. Why? Because you turned into a giant talking edible crab. Bummer.

Leo

(July 23 - Aug 23) A decision made on the next full moon will almost certainly have fatal consequenses,so don’t leave the house at all until I say otherwise. No,really. I mean it.

Virgo

(Aug 24 - Sep 22) It never ceases to amaze me how cruel people can be. You can’t really help being a fat sweaty bastard,can you? It’s a glandular thing,after all. The smell,however,is not so easily explained.

Libra

(Sep 23 - Oct 22) Bacon, sausage and eggs? On the same plate? At the same time? You,my girl,are a fuckin’ genius Madame Cynthia has not gone to seed.Here she is in all her beauty. Gaze upon her and despair.