Quench Issue 6 - 1 Dec 2003

Satisfy your thirst...

Amber Duval discusses a different kind of kiss

Scientists take on artists in Debate

Is love in the air in Blind Date?

Travel enjoy a traditional Norwegian winter

Charity shop chic is where Fashion are at

Food eat, drink and make merry for Christmas

Gay support World Aids Day

Features listen to regional accents

Music discover the joys of ‘Head

Are our heroes up to it, asks Riath Al-Samarrai

DC Gates: a voice of rust in a world of tin

Executive editor Tristan Thomas Quench editor Alex Macpherson

Arts Lizzie Brown,Rachel Pegum Blind Date Kerry-Lynne Doyle Books Maria Thomas Columnists Riath Al-Samarrai,DCGates Debate Jessica Webb Digital Gareth Lloyd,Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Caroline Ellis,Bex Singleton

Features Victoria Corbett,Rhys James Film Mat Croft Food Jane Eyre,Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Katy Davies,Jenny Duxbury,Lisa Walkley

Interviews Rob Plastow Music Jamie Fullerton,Anthony Lloyd One Trick Pony James Anthony Photography Gemma Griffiths,Anastasia Nylund Travel Tim Clark,Laura Tovey

Contributors Sarah Ahmad,Gary Andrews,Matt Aplin,Henry Archer,Emily Bakker,Alex Bartley, Josie Beckett,Sam Coare,Sarah Cummins,Andrew Davidson,Lyndsay Davies,Jason Draper, Craig Driver,David Ford,Alexandra Giorgetti,Luke Grahame,Emma Grealy,Debbie Green,Lee Gregory,Chris Griffin,Charlotte Howells,Rachel Howells,Justin Jeffreys,Dave Jennings,Claire Lamswood,Louise Lappin,Eleri Lloyd,Kim Lyon,Phil McKeown,Jennie Miller,Sam Mills,Clare Nesler,Cassidy Phillips,Laura Quinn,Jimmy Rizzla,Florina Schwander,Natalie Slater,Nathalie Southall,Rob Telford,Gwenllian Thomas,James Walsh-Heron,John Widdop,Ben Wright, Hannah Wright Photographers and illustrators Tim Alban,Catharine Collingridge,Mei Lewis

Proof readers Elaine Morgan,Alys Southwood Cover design Mat Croft

Lex’s Law

This Christmas,do you want to really feel God’s love? Do you want to feel the spiritual rapture of having Him inside of you? Well,you can - thanks to a website which,quite frankly,is pure genius.

This column was originally going to be a paean to the joys of internet Christmas shopping - it’s cheaper,you don’t have to cope with Cardiff’s vile weather,and there are no bovine,waddling townies getting in your way at every turn. After viewing www.divineinterventions.com,though,every other site would have been a disappointment.

It’s the home of the Baby Jesus butt plug - quite probably the best concept for a sex toy ever. Four-and-a-half inches tall,one-and-a-half inches wide and available in ten different colours (including "asphyxiation blue" and "glow in the dark white"),Baby Jesus’s cherubic face gazes longingly out from underneath a silicone hood.

He’d give America’s Christian Right heart attacks for so many reasons. They speak of wishing to receive Him into their hearts; this has little to do with the heart,but it’d still make the perfect gift for the fundamentalist in your life this year. It’d be perfectly understandable if you wanted to keep it for yourself,though.

Also available are the Virgin Mary dildo,the Diving Nun ("She sticks! She sucks!") and,spectacularly,the Jackhammer Jesus - otherwise known as a thick,seven-and-a-half inch long marbled red crucifix. “Feet first,not head” admonishes the website. It’s all enough to make one succumb to the temptation of building your very own dildo crèche.Think of it as an alternative Nativity scene - one which doesn’t have to be put away until next year.

For too long,Christmas has been about shallow materialism and fake smiles. Get spiritual this year; those smiles will assuredly be real after the ultimate religious experience.

Alex Macpherson

One Trick Pony

IAmber Duval Amber Duval

Sex laws for the jilted generation Sex laws for the jilted generation

Amber has always been a cunning linguist...Ladies, make sure you get your just desserts

n the good old days,a young lady would be wined and dined shortly before receiving an offer of marriage and the promise of a leisurely existence in a country mansion. In Cardiff,2003,you are lucky if you make it to The Social before your date begins to make his demands. A round in hand,and you’re all theirs.

A friend recently observed that when we meet to discuss big dates, it is no longer necessary to establish bases. Body fluids as well as phone numbers are exchanged on the first meeting. In our modern day,genderequal society,first date guarantees third base - at least for him. Ah, there’s the rub.

As ‘quasi-feminists’ we wonderedcan you ever really be happy just to give and accept nothing in return?’

My friend always ensures that “licky-licky” precedes “sucky-sucky”. However,some are not so lucky. Another maintains her reception ratio is about 1:3 of favours given (admittedly,her tendency towards sports-

men helps to explain this especially stunted success rate).

Now that we are all of agemajors,recognised by the state - it would seem fair to presume that we have advanced from the pre-head ‘head push’.

Or not. In their desperation for oral pleasure,men still resort to the downward thrust,blissfully ignorant that while we may be on our knees, we still have their balls in our hands.

Once down there,one is expected to obtain,or at least simulate,wholehearted pleasure. While in the act,a friend was asked if she watched a lot of porn. She dutifully,and rather awkwardly,nodded. The response? “Yeah,you can tell.” Left puzzled, she took it as a compliment and continued with the task,literally,in hand (and mouth).

One would be forgiven for believing that any job is undertaken with the promise of an ultimate reward. However,ladies,it appears that,in this deep-throat world,if you don’t ask,you won’t get.

I already pay NTL (or ‘Empty Hell’) a stupid sum of money to provide me with a shit internet connection that doesn’t work – I don’t want the same thing on my phone. ‘WAP’ is in fact the sound that an internet-equipped phone makes as you throw it against a wall in a fit of rage.

Blair on The Simpsons. Shameless PR exercise. Blair,get the fuck off my TV - if you carry on with this behaviour,I will definitely be voting for that Jewish Taffy,Michael Howard. This episode of The Simpsons was recorded just after the outbreak of war, so it’s doubly inappropriate. You can see it in January...

- One Trick PonyRepeat Offender: James Anthony

Please direct all complaints,abuse, terrorist threats,lawsuits and pregnancy allegations to:

Tattoo Gallery: iaminked@onetrick.co.uk

Sexiest Student (will return): sexiest@onetrick.co.uk

Where’s Cui Cui?: cuicui@onetrick.co.uk

General farce: enquiries@onetrick.co.uk

Disclaimer:

One Trick Pony will not accept responsibility for:

Fluctuating weight gain,body odour, excess bodily hair,regulation of bowel movements,acts of God (wrathful or otherwise),your sense of humour or lack thereof,those awful shoes,the weather,your car,your mortgage, your soul,crap haircuts,Amber Duval, Lemierre’s Syndrome,Microsoft Windows,Enrique Iglesias,house pet mortality,George Bush,Graham Norton,the fact that you’ve never slept with Paris Hilton,or falling out of a tree causing complete hair-loss. This happened to Duncan Goodhew. He hit the bitch for real,cha’mon.

There’s a worrying bias towards Christina in certain areas of Quench Towers,but OTP is backing Britney. She’s far better looking,and you get the impression that she has standards. That other dirty scrutter,"Xtina",would do it for a bag of chips. Besides,which one has got her own star on Hollywood Boulevard?

Never underestimate girls with interesting hair (Like Xtina - Dep Ed.) Pink,purple,dreadlocked, plaited,braided,it’s all good (but preferably on your head). Not enough people dye their hair funny colours – and I’m not just saying this because mine is a poor approximation of Foghorn Leghorn.

T P 5

( T o s s e r )

Snubbing the easy option of taking a swipe at Jacko,Courtney Love is far more deserving. Love has been in the news this week for a variety of misdeeds,such as drug possession and possibly-faux overdoses,but that’s just run of the mill rock-star trouble. This dumb bint is crowned Tosser of the Fortnight for her complete lack of respect for Frances Bean: her young daughter and only link back to the genius that was her late husband,Kurt Cobain.

Love OD’d on OxyContin (aka ‘hillbilly heroin’),wanting to "knock herself out after a hard day". This is bad enough,but Love involved Frances in

the whole process,saying that to have her daughter "pitch in on one of her little crises (made it) fun". Now 11,the Los Angeles child welfare authorities have placed Frances in the custody of Cobain’s mother.

The woman who almost claimed reverence for her bravery in the wake of Cobain’s tragic death,proves once again to be the unhinged idiot that Cobain fans everywhere always suspected…

Hillbilly heroin

No,not heroin as in “female hero”...

( L e g e n d )

The chameleon is back. After notoriously claiming that he’d never play his back catalogue ever again back in ’92,Bowie is playing arena gigs once more,and kicking out the classic jams. This has been hailed as a return to form by the kind of press you give a fuck about,and the old Diamond Dog is looking pretty damn fine in his autumn years.

Unfortunately,Bowie is no longer the breathtaking,occult-obsessed, cocaine-fuelled loony of the 70s,but we believe that he should also be hailed for his achievements outside music. No,not The Man Who Fell To

Earth,OTP is talking about his performance as the Goblin King in the movie Labyrinth

Take your mind off the bulge in Jareth’s codpiece for just one second – Bowie’s performance was memorable for other reasons. Not only was the character terrifically realised, Bowie played it with just the right quantity of tongue wedged in cheek. And don’t forget the musical score he helped create. Jim Henson and Terry Jones claim that the part was written with Bowie in mind. Treat yourself to an early pressie,and buy yourself this slice of Bowie-related greatness on DVD immediately.

Breathtaking, occult-obsessed, cocaine-fuelled loony

This is the initial part of my fullsleeve,an on-going project inspired by the work of biomechanical artist HRGiger. It’s being inked in black and white by Kouri of Tattoo U,Cardiff. The rather scabby result that you see here is approximately three hours in. At a rough estimate,I have about seven hours to go, and no cash.

Art degrees Debate

There’s no sitting on the fence! The science geeks are taking on the arty students and it’s not a pretty sight...

Rachel Howells FOR Justin Jeffreys AGAINST

There seems to be a permanent conflict between those ‘serious’ students learning Sciences,Mathematics or Economics and the ‘dreamers’ that study a variety of Humanities subjects. As an English Literature student,I fall into the latter category. I am sick of being told by many arrogant scientific types (this doesn’t apply to everyone) that I’m not doing a ‘real’ course and it’s a ‘doss’.

To set the record straight,no Arts subject is easier than its more structured counterpart. Humanities courses at Cardiff University require exceptionally high grades in order for a student to gain a placement. Just because our lectures aren’t held in a fancy white building (plus we don’t wear sexy white coats and goggles to match) doesn’t mean we are lower in the academic hierarchy! Sure,I could never stare through a microscope all day,but could your typical science student write an innovative poem?

Why can’t the majority of our opponents think of a better criticism than the ‘lack of lectures’ we have? Admittedly,the standard amount of teaching time is only 10 hours. So what? How can we seriously be expected to do all the necessary reading (not to mention the essays) if we have no free time? Just because a science degree enforces a packed timetable of lectures and particles doesn’t imply anything! We more than make up for this divide by drowning ourselves in volumes of Dickens, Austen and Hardy. Humanities students aren’t lazy and certainly didn’t take the easy option!

In the end,we have to appease both sides by conforming to the old cliché – ‘different strokes for different folks.’ To slate someone based on his or her chosen course is both unjustified and unnecessary. OK,it’s unlikely that an arts graduate will ever discover a groundbreaking theory of vital scientific importance. Wouldn’t the world be a far less colourful place without the great works of literature that offer us a forum for different views and ideas! More importantly,if humanities students are such a waste of time,why are any of you bothering to read a magazine compiled by them?

Humanities students constantly harp on about the their brutal work load and how the demands of the courses clash with hectic social lives. My response to this pathetic plea is simply "try doing a proper subject for a week" - ie,a science or Mathematics. Not only do we have nine to five lectures on a daily basis,but also gruelling examinations throughout the semester (not to mention the heavy bulk we endure in the actual exam period). Wouldn’t we all love to swap the textbooks for an evening of literature or a trip to the cinema and then claim that this has some relevance to our course material? We should be so lucky!

Let’s face it,if it wasn’t for Mathematics the world would be unstructured and unorganised. I also hate to break it to you,but without science we wouldn’t even be in existence! In comparison,what sort of relevance does EastEnders (or any other trash studied by Journalism and Media students) have on our society? Is it simply coincidental that doctors and accountants are considered to be respectable professions and rewarded with a descent salary? So-called ‘trendier’ careers,such as the hard-hitting journalist,should be annihilated on the spot for encouraging dishonesty and manipulation – hardly the moral values we want to pass onto our children.

For many,their hobbies are simply reading,listening to music and watching the television. Don’t get me wrong,far be it for me to say that our chosen subject shouldn’t be enjoyable! But let’s get a foot in reality - to claim that burying your head in a book for a couple of hours is a strenuous activity is ludicrous. Books and the television are a luxury that should only be indulged in once more important tasks are completed.

I’m not necessarily saying that students studying the more academic subjects are superior. However,it cannot be denied that they endure a more meticulous programme of study and when it comes to making an impact on society, we win every time! Writers,musicians and artists come and go,but when a radical and world changing theory is devised you can bet that a scientist,mathematician or an economist had the brainpower behind it!

LIKE ROLLING STONES

THETHRILLS talk to Anthony Lloyd about the Rolling Stones,old people and making the next Kid A

It's strange how back in February

The Thrills opened the NME tour on its visit to the Great Hall as unknowns. Still to release an album, they were concerned only with trying to bring back American west coast rock,albeit with an Irish tint. Wind forward a few months and they have released the fourth single off their Mercury Music Prize nominated album So Much For The City,completed a headlining tour that returned to our union and supported the legendary Rolling Stones.

“Our second tour was the NME tour and we thought that if the album did well this is where we could be and it's good 'cos hopefully we can step up from here again,” says the permanently tired-looking guitarist Daniel Ryan. Having supported the Rolling Stones they have definitely had a look at what can be achieved.

“It's a bit weird because their fans are such huge fans of them that it made absolutely zero difference that we were on the bill. It's more just something that you do for yourself to say that you did it,” insists key-

boardist Kevin Horan,before Daniel points out that they didn't even get to hang out with the Stones.

With fans ranging from the young to the old,and from Morrissey to the

“There shouldn’t be any kind of age barriers in music.I mean, music should just be for everyone”

Daniel Ryan

Rolling Stones is there a reason why they appeal to so many? Adding philosophy to his many talents,Daniel told me: “Well,good music travels, that's the way it is. There shouldn't be any kind of age barriers in music. I mean,music should just be for everyone.” You could say that after having

such a busy and successful year The Thrills could be allowed some time off,but this is not on the agenda. A new album is scheduled for next July with a single to precede it in April or May: “A couple of the songs are already there,and it's a nice sound,a bit of a different direction but it's not like a Kid A.” But would they like to see themselves having dramatic changes from album to album? “Yeah, like Blur and Radiohead who do it really well,” says Daniel with an air of admiration,while Kevin agrees. “It's not like they’re changing because of trends,their albums are perfectly listenable,they're just pushing themselves.”

It may seem to many that The Thrills are a one trick pony,peddling summery west coast rock to a new generation,but they seem far more than this. They see themselves going a long way and they are under no illusions that they can do this with one sound.

The perfect match?

Let’s see if our single students were compatible in their lovely blind date at

Girl’s profile:

Name: Sophie Flood

Age: 23

Studying: PhD in Biosciences

Sophie on Harold:

What were your first impressions of Harold?

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle Blind Date Editor

Pleasant and polite. A nice guy. How was the date? It was relaxed. Well,it was pleasant but we didn’t have much in common.

Were there any awkward or funny moments? Yes. He didn’t realise he was going to be in Quench! How was the conversation? It was easy and fine. He was really easy to talk to. Did you swap phone numbers? No.

Did you go out afterwards? I did,but not with him!

Guy’s profile:

Name: Harold Markin

Age: 25

Studying: MSc I.E.B.F

Harold on Sophie:

What were your first impressions of Sophie? She was great. That’s all really. How was the date? It was fine. It was cool that I got to know someone new. Were there any awkward or funny moments? Well,not really. We didn’t really talk about many things so nothing like that.

How was the conversation?

We had a very friendly conversation,we talked a lot about ourselves.

Did you swap phone numbers? No.

Did you go out afterwards?

a shot in the dark is open ‘til 11, seven days a week. Coffee bar with BYO license! Own roasted coffee. Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300

Would you like a blind date and a free meal in the New Year? We’re looking for guys and girls to take part in ‘Blind Date.’ Just drop us a line with your age,sex, sexuality and the type pf person you’d like to date at grblinddate@cf.ac.uk or on 07800 916077. You could meet the person of your dreams or at least meet someone new!

Travel

Christmas goes downmarket

Planning to do your Christmas shopping in Hypervalue? LauraTovey

has some better ideas

Aachen Christmas Market

love Christmas sho ping,and love finding the perfect present for someone and buying pretty paper and ribbon to wrap it in even though I know it’s going to be ripped off in seconds. It has all the joys of shopping with none of the guilt – after all,if you’re spending money on someone else,it’s generosity,not extravagance. Usually, my shopping is limited to a few expeditions round the town centre,but to make it really special,as

Don’t buy your Christmas presents from these two

Kensington and Knightsbridge: If you’re fashion-conscious then you’ll probably pass out. This is the place with all the names and all the styles which are ‘the new black’. Gucci,Armani,Safeway Savers,they’re all accounted for; it’s probably the best place outside of Milan to go all absolutely fabulous. We would have taken GR Fashion there but they wanted to mix business and pleasure,so we dropped them in Clacton instead.

well as making sure no one would have presents like ours,some friends and I travelled to the famous Christmas market of Aachen in Germany.

We took the budget option of coach travel,travelling overnight to spend a full day at the market before getting back on the coach to travel through the night once more. Not a good option if coach travel is your idea of a nightmare,but it saved paying for accommodation,and if you’re travelling with a bunch of mates it can be a laugh. As long as no one draws on your face while you’re asleep.

The market is truly amazing. No windswept stallholders desperately trying to flog you soggy vegetables and Lycra T-shirts,it has real atmosphere. In Aachen they take Christmas seriously,with lights,smells and decorations all getting you in the festive spirit. The range of stalls is excellent,with interesting craft gifts,household goods, jewellery,and lots and lots of food. There are many stalls with amazing gin-

Ogerbread houses and delicious cakes, marzipan and sweets. Others sell mulled wine,and being Germany, there’s plenty of beer available too. One thing I would recommend avoiding though are the potato fritters – maybe we were just unlucky with the stall we chose (although there was a large queue) but even though these cakes of grated,deep-fried potato seem popular, and are very cheap,they were so greasy and stodgy that none of us could finish ours. Fortunately there are plenty of cafés around,as the market fills not only the central market place but spills into the surrounding streets as well.

Everyone is in a good mood and there are so many things to see that you won’t come away empty handed, even if the gifts are for yourself! If you want to combine altruism with a trip for yourself,then the Aachen Christmas market is definitely a place to get into the spirit. This year it runs from November 24 to December 21.

Closer To Home

K,so Germany may be a little too far to go just for a stocking filler,but closer to home we checked out London for its potential. This place is where it’s at,shopping wise. If you’re looking for anything London has it. Everyone knows Oxford Street,but here are three places which you may find useful if you’re thinking of a day out in the capital.

Camden Lock: Arguably the most hip place to shop,this place gets packed. The market has loads of both useful and different items, which will be helpful if you’re trying to find presents for either a difficult person or someone who dresses like Austin Powers and is still stuck in the 60s.

How to get there. I took the National Express which took roughly three hours and about £14 for a day return and dropped me in Victoria. From there the Underground can get you places if you can handle it. You can change your tickets to a different journey time but beware of the queue in the bus office in London - it’s legendary. Literally,there are people still in it from the 15th century who haven’t been served yet.

Covent Garden: Makes the Arcades look as important as Emma Bunton (not much). The market has loads to offer. If you have time however and it’s not raining then take a wander down some quieter sidestreets. I did,and spent an enjoyable few hours just finding out what’s around the next corner. Most shops are different and have no real theme, but it’s useful if you don’t really know what you want.

Travel Norwegian wood 11

Think camping is boring? Take a trip to Norway with Mari Ropstad and discover the wild side to the woods

Acommon saying claims that Norwegians are born with skis on their feet. If you should visit the country between late November and early April it may indeed seem that way. Far from being simply a spectator sport,cross-country skiing is regarded as the national sport of this Scandinavian country. Tracks are prepared in the forests surrounding Oslo and anywhere else the snow conditions are good. Access to these tracks is free (unusually for Norway) and thus they are popular with the budget-conscious students.

Everyone knows that skiing alone is boring. In fact,for many the whole point of cross-country skiing is to sit down in front of a fire and drink Jaegermeister. So instead of making a day of it Norwegians bring some friends,wood,a tent,a sleeping bag, alcohol and plenty of clothes for a tenting weekend in the wilderness. More hardcore Vikings opt for the DIY route to camping; leaving the tent at home and instead building a ‘gapahuk’,or a lean-to of small trees and spruce branches. The latter is obviously more popular in the summer as you don’t risk temperatures of minus 20°C. The Norwegian obsession with camping in the most inhuman places has resulted in an abundance of stories and popular myths. A well known one is that of the group of friends who used broadleaved trees to build their ‘gapahuk’,ignorant of the fact that this is what the (very large) moose population around Oslo feed on. Consequently the group of friends woke up the next day to find their shelter eaten to bits by the King of the Forest,a special effect that should definitely feature in the next Blair Witch film.

as seals,Arctic foxes and polar bears. It is a popular destination for (rich) tourists for exactly the same reasons and everyone is required to carry a

tentious holidaying is actually so popular that the government has issued 10 rules for good mountain behaviour that are printed in every newspaper in the country at Easter.

bear. How the bear got to the food was a mystery,as the travellers had put up the compulsory alarm fence around the tent that fires mock shots if the tent is trespassed.

Another story about close encounters with wild animals is the one from Svalbard,an island close to the North Pole. A lot of scientific research is done on this island because it allows access to unique Arctic wildlife such

Being one of the Norwegians who enjoy camping,I’ve had some pretty awesome experiences. My own personal nightmare happened in the Easter of 1999. The typical Norwegian Easter is spent in one of the many Norwegian mountain areas in an isolated cabin far away from modern toilets and electricity. This type of unpre-

True to tradition my group of friends spent the Easter of 1999 in a cabin in the mountains. One of my friends and I decided that we wanted to sleep in the wild for a night because the temperatures weren’t too bad. We weren’t planning on going far and because the weather looked so promising we weren’t clothed for a long trip. After organising the tent we went to sleep only to be brutally woken up by a wind so strong it threatened to lift the tent off the ground. In fear of getting buried by all the snow being whipped up by the wind, we decided to ski back to the cabin as fast as we possible could. The wind increased in strength. Everything was white around us,and I literally couldn’t see my hand if I put it in front of me. We had no other option but to dig ourselves into the snow. Thanks to the government guidelines force-fed to us since our very first Easter we knew not to leave the cabin without a spade and that digging ourselves into a snowy hillside was the only right thing to do. Although feeling relatively warm and snug it was a bit of an anti-climax to dig ourselves out from the snow after 24 hours only to discover that we were no more than a stone’s throw away from the cabin we had originally left. No matter how many bad and scary stories you hear,the truth is that camping is a great and cheap way to holiday. It is also excellent for socialising with friends as no distracting television is involved. The only thing to listen to is the silence. For some of you the local park or the Brecons may be enough. For those of you who fancy extreme tenting, Ryanair fly relatively cheap from London to Norway. All you need to remember is the tent,the sleeping bag and the government rules of good mountain behaviour.

A guide to Valencia Travel 12

If you’re going abroad but don’t know the lingo then things can become a little trickyso here’s a guide on how not to get a room

By Tim Clark,

Travel Ed.

Ihave arrived on the Spanish mainland prepared for my first night alone in Valencia. I usually don’t like starting trips alone,but I knew I was meeting my mates the next day. Tonight,though,I needed to book a hostel and the first thing to overcome was the Spanish intercom.Here is a sample conversation: (Buzz)

Guy: Si?

Me: Si.

Guy: Siii?

Me: Siii.

Guy: SI! SI!

Me: Siiiiiiiii.

Guy: Halamaganacalaballla-allaa alala-alala - si?

Me: Er... si. (Buzz)

understood correctly,this is how I think the ensuing conversation went.

Guy: Yes?

Me: Yes.

Guy: Yes what?

Me: Oh yes.

Guy: Yes! (He must be English.)

Me: Yes?

Guy: YOU,son of a motherless goat are the scum of a hamster’s kitten.

Me: Oh,of course.

Guy: Excellent! You’re hired,you start pimping in the morning!

(Buzz)

Right. So I’m now probably a pimp but at least I had a room sorted. It was a cool room as well for the price, and in the centre of town.Young,free and single - and lost in a Spanish city for the night.

I was still unsure,though,and needed help. I texted a friend whom I considered a don on amusing himelf alone in foreign places,and went off for a wander. Valencia is very cool: there are loads of odd little places around the city - plus,they took a whole river and diverted it,a bit like shoving the Thames in Fulham and letting it do the rest. It also boasts the world’s most late-night ice cream shops - Valencians have got the munchies big time.

Meanwhile,though,I had a reply. It read:

“Cake, Timmy, cake,and the finest wines known to humanity! Come on Timmy, I’m sure you’re talking to some fine girl

only action I’d had so far was a 43year-old married woman check out my legs. I still wasn’t sure though - my old habit of insecurity along with the other one of suddenly being reasonable were both telling me to go to bed - but as I got to the intercom something happened. It must have been the prospect of trying to get in again, but some part of me said “NOOOO” (well,“NO” - I didn’t sound like a cow or anything) - I will drink,goddamnit! I will enter a bar and get drunk,and be damned if it’s on my own!Which is what I did.

After ordering a San Miguel at the nearest watering hole,I sat down and was faced with - Elvis. It was very disconcerting - the barman turned around,and there he was beaiming at me with his Huckleberry quiff. Turns out I’d picked an excellent bar,a real local one. Within 20 minutes I’d already been filmed - someone was having a birthday party that night. I think he did have a chance with at least one of the girls next to him,but when he started sticking paper to his face,that kinda checked it.

Never mind - he simply started balancing shots on his head!

I liked his style with women thoughgetting so drunk that you can only vaguely remember it in the morning. I highly recommend this,as it’s the only way you’ll have the courage to show your face the next day,usually with severe amnesia. Nevertheless,the night moved on; though it took a while to adjust to the fact that the Spanish don’t have to worry about late licences,I enjoyed it and was soon ‘feeling the love’ in a Spanish kinda way. At 4am,I staggered back,muffled the intercom and found my bed. I started pimping in the morning.

Illustrations by Tim Clark

Cheap yet chic!

Make the most of that student budget...

Quench’s

fashion team are here to the rescue

ANs term rolls to an end and we frantically try to get our essays finished by staying up until 4am wired up on Red Bull,a major problem rears its ugly head:those infamous letters on every bank statement - DR. The loan is running out and the financial situation has reached crisis point. You want new clothes for Christmas but can’t afford them - so how do you stretch that last bit of cash and still manage to update your wardrobe with current apparel? The answer is to broaden your shopping horizons and enter the realm of the cheap shop.

The undeniable king of high street cheap is Primark. Tucked away behind Debenham’s in Cardiff’s city centre,its prices are staggeringly low, yet it still produces some fashionable pieces:it recently stocked a khaki Parker coat for £10 and silver,pink and blue stilettos for £15,while its underwear range starts at a very affordable £1.

New Look has revamped its image over the last several years to become one of the leading cheap high street stores with great tops and also a very desirable shoe range (Beige and Black pirate boots at £39.99). Hobo’s,situated in the castle arcade next to Buzz and Co,is a very inexpensive second-hand store with 60s and 70s clothes - which are tremendously chic at the moment. Supermarket clothes ranges are another notable place to find cheaper clothes of the latest trends. Tesco’s Florence and Fred range is definitely worth a visit with its present Chinese theme (prices starting from £13 for a top). George at Asda is great for keeping up with the latest trends,so along with the ever-remarkable H&M it is certainly possible to buy stylish new clothes and keep within budget. So,as a great scholar once said: “Contenders ready! Gladiators ready! SHOP!”

eed a new outfit? New set of heels for that big night out?

Shoe-string style!

But down to your last few pennies? You might find you can get it on the cheap online. No longer just for the online geek,Ebay has taken off as a great student-friendly clothes store. The internet auction superstore is full of fashion delights just waiting to be bid on. Don’t be put off by the over-complicated sign up - it can take hours to find a real gem - but if you’re looking for serious bargains,and are willing to bid for them,you can be looking stylish in no time,for next to no cash!

If you feel naked without a designer tag,save yourself from living on value beans by getting some cheap online. Make sure it’s authentic by checking the seller’s feedback and bid away - Diesel jeans go for as little as £35,funky Bench jackets from £20,and sexy Red Or Dead boots are a steal at £50. For the lads, you can get Evisu gul jeans for a wallet-friendly £40. All sounding a bit expensive? For seriously economical buys take a peek in the vintage sections; original versions of the current 80s trends can be found for a fraction of the latest price, and because it’s vintage no one else will be wearing your outfit! Get hold of retro T-shirts from £2 or be original at your ball and go for a vintage dress starting from a very thrifty 99p. Or maybe you’ve got some fab clothes lying around? Sell them on Ebay and make a packet from your cast-offs,then blow it on something gorgeous. An incentive: Manolo Blahniks sell from £100!

Quick Ebay tips:

Check all the measurements carefully,so you don’t end up with something which won’t do up.

Bid at the last minute for the best bargains. Don’t get tempted by that green polyester batwing jumper. Authentic,yes; stylish,definitely not!

Versatile vintage

Let Clare Nesler guide you through the joys of past

Atfashion Fashion

the Oscars and other award ceremonies,leading actresses now regularly step out in vintage Valentino and Dior. In fashion magazines,the latest designer look is often set off with accessories from the 1930s-60s,and vintage fashion has even hit the high street. On London’s Oxford Street, Selfridges has two departments devoted to vintage clothes, Topshop sells sixties and seventies originals,and John Lewis stocks vintage costume jewellery.

One of the great joys of collecting fashion is that rather than keeping your collectibles at home gathering dust on the shelf,you can take them out and show them off. Perfect for students who can’t always afford to change their wardrobe each season.

Another advantage of collecting vintage clothes is that they can be surprisingly cheap. One of my favourite dresses,a miracle of 50s netting and boning,cost me £5 from my local Oxfam,and I rarely spend more than £20-40 on a 50s frock or suit. Charity shops are a good place to look; most towns will have shops devoted to vintage fashion and many antique centres include a small clothing section. There are also specialist vintage fashion fairs and auctions,which is where you will find your classic pieces. Prices depend on age,beauty,condition and of course maker.

You can also adapt clothes that don’t quite fit the bill. A tweed hat that your grandad might wear can be modernised by tying a scarf around it,fitting in with the ‘country’ look this autumn. If you don’t like the style of an item but love the fabric turn it into a cushion,or cut it into strips and use as a belt. Because each item has hardly cost you the price of a pint you can experiment without feeling nervous.

Websites are a really good source of ideas. Some of the clothes can be over-expensive,but for classic items,eveningwear,coats,and dresses you can get some fabulous bargains. I especially recommend www.vintagetrends.com - an easy-to-use American site packed with male and female clothing. Particularly cool are the original military shirts,costing around $30 (£25). www.kittygirlvintage.com is also good; there’s less choice but the clothes are cheap and often sold on Ebay. Just make sure you check the sizing - remember,it can vary when dealing with vintage clothes.

Old school is defiantly making a comeback and vintage clothing is more fashionable than ever. So hang on to your new clothes. You could be selling them for a fortune on the internet by the time you’ve graduated!

Home-made

beauty recipes

A natural way to exfoliate. Sea salt removes dry,flaky,dead skin. Wet face (or anywere on the body),apply a couple of teaspoons of sea salt then gently massage with a wet face cloth or fingers. Avoid the eye area. It is important to do this regularly. It will give your skin that extra boost for the party season ahead.

White nails. Soak your nails in water with lemon juice or lemon slices. The lemon acts as an astringent and will strip away any stains. Once your hands are dry,you’ll only need to put a couple of clear top coats to achieve perfect nails.

A good deep cleansing treat is to give your face a sauna. This is especially useful for congealed skin. Fill a bowl with nearly boiling water. We suggest that you add a squeeze of fresh lemon juice or lavender oil. Leave your face over the bowl with a towel over the top for two minutes. This opens up pores and prepares it for a face mask.

The Quench fashion team Words by Caroline Ellis,Lyndsay Davies,Debbie Green,Charlotte

Retro cheap

Lyndsay Davies has been on the case to find the

best retro shop in studentsville

Wrap up warm!

The average student life is comprised of three,quite contradictory components: saving money,looking good and getting so wasted that you cannot coherently deliver a sentence. With the first two in mind,though,there’s no better place to set those bargain hunting sights than right at the heart of student life - the social epicentre that is Cathays.

Slightly away from the bustling crowds that surround the areas of Gassy Jacks, The Social and Baguettes And Bagels lives Robert’s. In 1995,Salisbury Road saw the birth of something great,something that all students alike can appreciate: an old printing factory packed full of the strangest,yet most satisfying finds.

The elusive owner,an art school graduate from Liverpool who shall remain nameless,left college in 1980 and started working in Cardiff’s Jacob’s Antiques. With most of his stock now originating from house clearances,Robert’s is a great place to pick up a piece of retro furniture,skim through some old records,buy a second-hand shirt or get nostalgic with 80s toys.

Brimming with style from decades past,the rooms boast a plethora of vintage, throwback homeware which will happily accommodate any taste and accessorise any student house perfectly - and all this at a very reasonable price.

So,students of Cardiff,readers of Quench,those who enjoy a bit of going back to the future - take heed! There is something for all those empty corners of your living room,wardrobe and bedroom that are begging to be filled with something funky,yet affordable and now you know where to lay those penniless paws on it. Go forth,I beg of thee; you won’t be disappointed.

Great news - scarves are in! The more individual the better. Could this mean that for the first time in history grans will actually be asked for an original hand-knitted scarf for Crimbo? Not only is this trend practical (especially in Wales),it is also very cheap. If you really can’t find that stripy one that has been hiding away at the back of your wardrobe since you arrived in Cardiff - the one that your mum packed you away with as she couldn’t bear the thought of her little darlings going unprepared to the notoriously cold and wet capital of Wales - treating yourself to a new one will hardly use up the little that remains of your student loan. There is so much choice in the shops at the moment that there is bound to be a scarf for you.

Quench fashion team’s Xmas wish list... Office black leather knee high boots - £150 Karen Millen white stole - £60 Chanel ‘Chance’- £50 Crème de mer lip balm - £35

Topshop red leather air-tex gloves - £12

Don’t forget to remind your folks how hard you’ve been working this term!

We all want some Guinness pudding!

Christmas is coming and by now genuine Irish households worldwide will have traded in their spare plastic bag cupboard (because there will come a day when plastic bags are extinct) and replaced it as the sacred home to the Guinness pudding. Yes,this Irish delicacy is made at this time every year to allow all that alcohol seep in and work its magic. The method is quite easy to follow and on Christmas day the pudding takes no fuss. Do be warned though,the combination of dried fruit and alcohol can render some giggly and flatulent. Enjoy!

Ingredients

175g self raising flour,sifted

1 level tsp mixed spice

1 level tsp cinnamon

1 tsp ground nutmeg

225g white breadcrumbs

350g dark brown sugar

450g currants

225g raisins

225g sultanas

125g mixed peel

125g glace cherries,halved

50g almonds,blanched and chopped finely grated rind of 1 orange finely grated rind of 1 lemon

225g margarine

3 large eggs

2 tbsp of Irish brandy or whisky, preferably Jamesons

1 pint of Guinness

Method

First line the pudding bowl with a layer of greased tin foil followed by a layer of greased parchment. Take all the dry ingredients (currants,etc.) except the breadcrumbs and place in a large mixing bowl. Drizzle the brandy or whisky over the dry mixture and leave it to soak. Meanwhile,melt the margarine and leave to cool slightly. Add the margarine to the breadcrumbs along with the eggs. Combine the breadcrumbs with the dry ingredients; someone sober and with good strong arms is usually helpful around now. Possibly someone who could plough fields or dig for treasure - yes,a farmer or a pirate would fit the bill nicely. Mix thoroughly before adding the Guinness. The mixture should resemble a sickly,mud-coloured gooey mess. Add the Guinness,stir and cover with a clean tea towel. Leave the mixture for a least one night to absorb all the liquids while you destress with the rest of the Guinness. The next day,place the mixture in the lined pudding bowl,cover the top with a layer or two or greased parchment paper followed by tinfoil. Place in a thick-bottomed pot filled with boiling water so that the bowl is surrounded by water but not submerged. Place the lid on the pot and boil for approximately two hours. Do not attempt to remove the pudding from its bowl until it has completely cooled. When cool refresh the tin foil and leave the wrapped pudding somewhere dry and at room temperature until you are ready to eat it.

Emma Grealy goes Gaelic for Christmas

Plum pudding and custard. Only without the custard, obviously.

To Serve

On Christmas day boil the pudding as before for another hour or so until warmed through. By now,the pudding should be coal black and ready to be served as preferred:

Doused in brandy and set alight. Doused in custard with a drop of brandy.

Doused in brandy butter and cream. Fried in brandy butter and served with good strong tea or Guinness if you’re feeling brave. This is usually a traditional Irish Stephen’s Day (Boxing Day) breakfast to finish off the last of those arteries.

“Warning:the combination of dried fruit and alcohol can render some flatulent!”

Food 18

There’s a world out there...

Mari Ropstad searches for some international alternatives to mince pies and Christmas puddings

Norwegian tongue of cattle

This dish is made all over Norway at Christmas time and is immensely popular as spread on bread or a type of thin potato pastry called ‘lefse’.You will need a lightly salted cattle tongue.Try your local butcher or the Cardiff Market, they may be able to provide one on request.

Rinse the tongue in cold water and place it in a pot. Cover the tongue with cold water. For a large tongue you may need as much as 3-4 litres of water.

For every litre of water add:

1 tbs of salt

3 corns of black pepper

8 corns of white pepper

Italian Amaretti

2 egg whites

1/4 teaspoon of salt

1 cup sugar

1 cup chopped blanched almonds

3/4 teaspoon almond extract

1 whole clove

1/2-1 bay leaf

1 washed and peeled carrot

A few slices of onion or leek

A few parsley sprigs

Boil water and spices. Remove the foam that has formed on the suface.Add carrots,onions and parsley and let the tongue boil for 3-4 hours. Remove the skin from the tongue before allowing the tongue to cool down in the same water it was boiled in. The tongue can be kept in the fridge in the stock for quite a long time. The tongue is also suitable for freezing.

Add salt to egg whites and beat until frothy. Add sugar gradually,beating until mixture

is stiff but not dry. Add almonds and almond extract and fold in gently. Drop the almond mixture on a buttered and floured baking sheet by the teaspoon,shape into small mounds,leaving room between each mound. Let it stand for two hours. Bake at 190°Cfor 12 minutes or until they are delicately brown in colour.

Chilean Christmas Bread

2 cups selfraising flour

1 cup milk

1 teaspoon baking powder

100 grams glacé cherries

1 teaspoon cognac or brandy

1 cup plain flour

1 cup sugar

1 cup sultanas and chopped almonds (mixed)

Australian Christmas Damper

2 cups of selfraising flour

1/2 teaspoon of salt

2 teaspoons sugar

1 tablespoon butter

1 cups milk or water (enough to make a medium or soft dough)

1 teaspoon of bicarbonate soda

Rub the butter into the flour. Knead. Mould into a Christmassy shape like a wreath or a star. Bake in hot oven (or in ashes if you are cooking it in a fire). Cook for 20 minutes until brown. Serve with butter and jam, honey or golden syrup.

1/2 cup glacé fruit

2 eggs

115 grams butter grated rind of one lemon

Sift the flour and cut the butter into pieces. Cream butter and sugar,add eggs and mix well. Add sultanas and almonds,glace fruit,lemon rind,vanilla,cherries,and cognac to flour. Mix well and pour into a buttered mould. Bake at 150°Cfor 1 1/2 hours.

Danish rice porridge

Danish children traditionally put this dish out for Santa on Christmas Eve.

450 grams rice

500 ml water

300 ml full fat milk

250 ml cream

2 teaspoons salt

2 teaspoons sugar

Bring rice and water to the boil,then add milk and bring to the boil again. Take the pot off the cooker and leave the rice in the milk and water mix for about two hours. Add cream,sugar and salt when the rice grains are soft. Served with cinnamon,sugar and butter.

Eat, drink, and be merry!

Mince Pies

Ingredients

240 grams of plain flour

60 grams of vegetable fat

60 grams of cold unsalted butter

Juice of 1 orange

Mulled Wine

Ingredients

1 bottle of red wine

60ml (4 tablespoons) of dark rum

125ml of Earl Grey tea

Food

Quench Food gets into the holiday spirit and offers you a plethora of recipes to help you get into the spirit of Christmas!

1 orange,quartered,and each quarter stuck with 1 clove

2 cinnamon sticks

1 star anise

1 tablespoon of dark muscovado sugar

1 tablespoon of honey

Put all the ingredients in a saucepan,bring almost to the boil,then turn down to the lowest possible heat to keep it warm as you ladle it into glasses.

Pinch of salt

200 grams of mincemeat

1 large egg,mixed with a tablespoon of water to glaze Icing sugar for dusting

Measure the flour into a shallow bowl,add the vegetable fat and the butter,mix and put in the freezer for 20 minutes. Then scrunch the mixture into fine breadcrumbs,add the juice and the salt and knead into a dough. Separate the dough into three sections,and roll these sections out as thinly as possible. Cut smaller circles out of these,and add a teaspoon of mincemeat to each. Then cut smaller circles,or stars,or whatever shape you want for a lid,and place on top. Glaze the lids with the egg and water mixture,then place in the oven and bake for 10 to 15 minutes at 220°Cor gas mark 7. Dust lightly with the icing sugar.

Christmas Cupcakes

Ingredients

150 grams of plain flour

1 teaspoon of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda

1 teaspoon of ground mixed spice

100 grams of soft unsalted butter

160 grams of dark brown sugar

2 large eggs

3 tablespoons of sour cream

125ml of boiling water

75 grams of dark chocolate

1 teaspoon of instant coffee

250 grams of instant icing

1 packet of green instant icing

Cranberries for decoration

Mix the flour,baking powder,bicarb,mixed spice and salt in a large bowl. In another bowl,cream the butter and the sugar with an electric mixer. Add the eggs one after the other and mix well,then beat in 1/3 of the flour mixture,followed by a tablespoon of sour cream,and repeat until all is used up. Put the water,chocolate and instant coffee in a pan and heat gently,until the chocolate has melted,then fold this into the cake mix. Pour into the paper cases and bake in the oven at 200°Cor gas mark 6 for 20 minutes. Leave to cool for five minutes,then ice them and decorate the icing imaginatively,perhaps in the style of holly berries and leaves.

World Aids Day December 1 2003

By Ian Loynd

Agay lifestyle,for many,is a hedonistic one. A student lifestyle,for most,is a hedonistic one. Aids, for all,is a real and present risk. But how much do we know about this disease? How much do we really care?

The truth is,we know very little and we care even less. Students make up 60% of visits to GUM (genito-urinary medicine) clinics in Cardiff.

We are familiar with the severity of sexually transmitted disease,we are conscious of how to prevent transmission,yet ignorance prevails in the bedroom.

Awareness,however,is key to prevention. I am bored of campaigns preaching of the evils of the disease. I am concerned only with fact. Understand the facts and act on them accordingly.

Historically,Aids has been erroneously linked to homosexuality. Lee Gregory,Gay and Bisexual Officer, writes:

"When first discovered,Aids provided medical justification for discriminating against a group already stigmatised. Initially dubbed the ‘Gay Plague’by doctors it was later renamed Gay Related Immune Deficiency (GRID).Yet it wasn’t until gay campaigners protested over the name,claiming it caused further discrimination,that it was renamed again to Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (Aids). Unfortunately the initial label,supported by ‘medical proof’that gay men were the highest infected group in the West,meant that homophobia was maintained."

In the year up to September 2002, over 5,000 new cases of HIV were discovered in Britain. Of these,more than 3,300 were heterosexual and 1,600 homosexual or bisexual. So let’s be realistic; HIV is not selective. It is not exclusive to homosexuality. We are all at risk from sexually transmitted disease and must accept our responsibility for its prevention.

FACT

The HIV virus CAN be spread through:

Blood Semen

Vaginal excretions

Breast milk

FICTION

The HIV virus CANNOT be spread through:

Saliva

Tears

Sweat

Faeces

Urine

What are HIV a n d A i d s ?

HIV is the virus that causes Aids; a disease which causes the immune system of a person to be weakened.

Acquired: because it’s a condition one must acquire or get infected with; not something transmitted through the genes.

Human: because this virus can only infect humans

Immuno-deficiency: because the effect of the virus is to create a deficency,a failure to work properly,within the body’s immune system.

Virus: because this organism is a virus,meaning one of its characteristics is that it is incapable of reproducing by itself. It reproduces by taking over the machinery of the human cell.

Immune: because it affects the body’s immune system which we use to fight off germs such as bacteria and viruses.

Deficiency: because it causes deficiency within the immune system.

Syndrome: because someone with Aids may experience a wide range of different diseases and opportunistic infections.

Getting tested

One woman tells us of her GUM experience

Aids is discovered by testing for the HIV virus only. This requires a blood test. You may be tested by a hospital but most choose to visit a GUM (genito-urinary medicine) clinic. Testing in GUM clinics is 100% confidential. No results appear on your medical records.

A young woman tells us of her experience of being tested for a sexually transmitted disease:

"I had slept unprotected with my partner for six months. I was in love and he assured me there was no chance of him being infected.

I began to develop pains in my lower abdomen and passed a little blood in my urine. I made an appointment to see my GP and she suggested that I may have a sexually transmitted infection,perhaps chlamydia.

I was referred to the GUM clinic. The appointment was made for me. I did not have to make any arrangements. The thought of having to be tested for an STI made me feel sick to my core. I was afraid not only of the disease but that my boyfriend may have been cheating on me.

When I arrived at the clinic I had to complete a card with my name,

35.1 million people suffer

address and date of birth. I was given a ticket,number 53,and asked to sit in the waiting room. I looked around. All the faces were young adults,perhaps students.

After a short wait,my number was called. I was taken to a room by a consultant. She was very reassuring and helped to calm my nerves. She asked about my sexual history in a great detail. I was embarrassed but was assured she had heard it all before.

After my consultation I had swabs taken from my throat and tongue. It was painless. I then had to give blood samples which,again,caused little pain. Finally,an internal swab was required. This was just like having a smear test. I couldn’t wait to leave the clinic by this point.

I was asked after I had given my samples if I would like to collect my results or if I would like them to be posted to me. I chose to have them posted. They arrived,thankfully clear, about a week later.

The staff at the clinic were profesional and courteous. They made me feel at ease. But I never want to go through that experience again.

Help and advice

If you need advice about HIV or any sexually transmitted disease,there is help at hand.

The University Health Centre offers confidential advice to all Cardiff University students. It is located at 47 Park Place.

Opening hours: Monday - Friday from 9am to 4.30pm.

Telephone 02920 874810

In the new year,the Health Service begin their sexual health campaign. Look out for posters in the Students’ Union and all university buildings.

You may also want to visit: www.aids.org www.tht.org.uk

Testing

The GUM clinic is located at the Cardiff Royal Infirmary on Newport Road,opposite the foot of City Road. It is easy to find and 100% anonymous.

To book an appointment,telephone 02920 335207/8

For advice,telephone 02920 472244

You say what?

Alexandra Giorgetti tells us why accents really are the spice of life

Whether you are surrounded by northern scallies or southern Jessies there’s bound to be someone in your motley crew who spouts their local dialect with pride. From the gentle burr of the Westcountry to the Geordie twang of “wie-ey man”, there are indeed many areas of the UK that are notorious for their broad,distinctive accents. Those of us who have a regional tongue often find ourselves fostering a defensive attitude when some chancer deems to take the mickey,whereas others secretly wish for plummier tones.

However,have you ever pondered just how much of an impact an accent can have? Not only are employers influenced by your dialect,but so,more importantly,are members of the opposite sex.

Preconceptions of various accents can,in some situations,even lead to individuals having their career prospects hampered. It seems rather unfair in modern society that dropping one too many ‘aitches’ could leave you in the dole queue.

Birmingham University research indicates that foreigners who visit Britain are often taken aback by the ‘melodious’ beauty of the Birmingham accent. Those surveyed had evidently never seen the Osbournes.

Unfortunately though,many British employers aren’t so enamoured by the accent. Due to a combination of negative media portrayals and social snobbery,bosses are quick to judge a Brummie as being less intelligent. It’s one thing to rib your mate by reciting

“Preconceptions of various accents can in some situations even lead to individuals having their career prospects hampered.”

hilarious Harry Enfield snippets such as “I am considerably richer than yooouu”, but it’s taking matters to the extreme to judge a person on how they speak alone.

And if you reckon it’s only those from Birmingham who have drawn the linguistic short straw,then think again. Only a miserable 19 per cent of UK directors believe someone with a Welsh accent will be successful in business. Welsh

readers should take some comfort from the fact that the discrimination does not end there. Studies reveal that nearly half of all employers see any kind of regional accent as a drawback. Excellent. This means that Liz Hurley,Hugh Grant and Jeremy Paxman will be packing out the JobShop from now on then.

If this isn’t enough,it’s also been shown that we judge potential partners on their accents,with both the lads and the ladies confessing that a Scottish or Irish accent is music to their ears.

Who hasn’t copped off with some one with a face like a slapped arse and then pleaded in a beer-goggled defence, "But he sounded just like Ronan Keating/the lovely Carol Smillie". Please don’t try to convince me for one moment that the likes of James Nesbitt (hairy) or John Hannah (dwarf) would have achieved pin-up status if they had been born mutes.

British Airways deliberately chose to set up a call centre in Glasgow after finding that the Scottish accent went down very well with customers phoning from all over the world. So well,in fact,that callers (especially Americans,apparently), would find any excuse to continue conversing with the Highlanders just so they could hear more of their lilting, Celtic tones. Lucky,in a way, that BA employees can’t see what’s going on at the other end of the telephone line… Wherever region,or indeed nation,you happen to hail from,you should be proud of your accent. Without them the country would be a very dull place indeed and,furthermore,an accent is not something you can change at the drop of a hat (or “an ‘at” as our dear Cockney friends would say). And,even though accents can help in the bedroom department,luckily what we find attractive to the ear is entirely subjective. Scouser or Black Country,you’re in with a fighting chance. Different strokes for different

Features 23

folks and all that.

For every employer quick to blacklist those saying “look you” or “serious”, there will be another who sees the Welsh accent as “musical” and will hire an employee from the valleys in a heartbeat for reminding him of Richard Burton in Under Milk Wood. Home

“It’s been shown that we judge potential partners on their accents!”

Counties tones are not always the route to success,as the wealth of famous sporting,acting and literary legends with accents should indicate. Besides,any right-thinking employer,or indeed person,knows that it isn’t how you say something,but what you say that’s of utmost importance. Boyo.

Shake that belly Features 24

But will it catch on in Solus?

We sent Laura Quinn along to find out

Oriental dance is known as ‘raks sharki’ in its most classical form. Translated from the Arabic,this means ‘the dance of the Orient’. The term ‘belly dance’ was first used by the French when they saw the undulations and the body isolations; it was also called ‘la danse du venture’,or the dance of adventure. In the ancient Middle East and Mediterranean,the belly dance was first performed as sort of a birthing aid! Basically,the sisters of the women giving birth would aid the new mother by undulating and rolling their bodies in natural,curvy,snake-like movements to help with the delivery of the baby.

However,in modern society we have adapted this once cultural and meaningful ritual into a form of dance that many people enjoy for leisure.

When I went along to a class at Park Place centre,the Cardiff University gym,I expected it to be a bit of a joke, a lot of skinny blonde girls waggling their hips around till they were blue in the face. What I really saw was very different. A relatively large group of nervous,average,friendly students,of all shapes and sizes,waiting and as anxious and as intrigued as I was. It was a

Sizing up to it

Striving to be the ‘right’ size just isn’t worth it,explains Kim Lyon

Picture this: another sweaty night in Solus. You’ve had a pint or six,and the world is a prettier place. Standing at the bar is someone you find attractive. What is it you find alluring about that person? Not their personality,financial status,or lifetime achievements. Bodies are important.

A majority (25%) of people in a recent survey by the Observer said that eyes are the part of the body they find most attractive in others. Hmmm. I’ve yet to hear anyone exclaim, “phwoar - look at the eyes on that!”

Within a split second of meeting someone,we have rated their attractiveness. And the face is not always the first thing we see.

Whether the media is reflective or directive,it conveys unbalanced messages about body size. A polar faction is appearing - with reports oscillating between ridiculously obese and minuscule celebs. As we try to imitate and

emulate the latter,stories of misguided attempts at the ‘ideal’ abound. Recent reports highlight boys as young as 11 taking steroids,hoping to bulk themselves up to a masculine ideal. In America,the lead in an eating disorders awareness advert boasted that she was thought thin enough to be classed as ill. But culture cannot be solely blamed for how you feel about yourself.

Human nature gravitates towards averages. People with average-sized features,of average intelligence and temperate dispositions are not threatening; they offer something which even the most extreme of us can identify with. Consider that the ‘average’ size of a supermodel is somewhere around a 6,while the waistlines of us mere mortals usually resides in a size 14. No wonder,then,that words like stout and slim have lost a uniform meaning.

A recent feature in Marie Claire ran

relief that I was going to be dancing alongside normal people I thought I could be comfortable around.

The first thing I noticed about the class was mirrors. They were everywhere! My first thought was,"Oh my god,I’m going to have to actually watch myself dance like an absolute loon.” My second vision was the teacher. With her

along the lines of,“I’m a size 12 but...” - but what? But we need to maintain our insecurities to keep the likes of Trinny and Susannah in work?

cheery,friendly face I knew I had nothing to fear.

This feeling was soon to fade! At the start of the class we did some warm ups which were easy and fun. The music was interesting and very exotic; it made you feel very like you were in an eastern country,and your hips naturally flowed and bumped in time with the

Whatever,there is a constant implication that the body (indeed,perhaps the body as a concept) is imperfect. Last time I heard,flaws add character. In a society of excess,dieting offers a neat way to channel insecurity. It takes a hell of a lot of confidence to look in the mirror and

strong beat of the music. I’m not a spiritual person,but I felt myself taken away by the music to the point of almost a state of unconsciousness (in a good way,don’t worry!). However,it got harder. When she told us we were doing a move called the ‘camel’ I found this highly amusing,and assumed it would be relatively easy,as camels don’t move very much apart from the occasional spit. How wrong could one person be? I soon found out. Let’s just say don’t eat your Sunday dinner before the session!

The move involves pushing your stomach in and out whilst moving your hips at the same time,and doing some odd steps with your feet. While it was very fun,I feel my stomach really didn’t think so! Another move I did which seemed very stereotypical of what I had expected from the class was the ‘Egyptian walk’; it’s the kind of move where hip swaying is closely linked to walking like you have a peg leg across the room! Which was odd,but still a bit of a laugh. As good as the teacher looked doing it, though,I’m sure it takes a lot of practice to get to grips with.

I enjoyed the class and would recommend it to anyone. It burns a lot of calories,and helps to tone your hips

approve of what you see. You can spend your life staring in the mirror criticising every jut and curve.

The "ideal" body shape may change in our lifetime to the Monroe status it once has been. Diets,like fashion,are whimsical. You can just about adjust to the Atkins mania of protein for breakfast,lunch and tea before some other quack turns around and tells us to eat nowt but starch. Body image is very much a part of fashion; this season,bingo wings are the ‘new’ problem area. The shape of your eyebrows matters, apparently. And - oh my god,buy shares in Slimfast now - is that cellulite creeping round your ear lobes?

Yes,of course this sounds absurd. It is as if we’ve become bored with the stock complaints about breast and penis sizes.

Sometimes criticising yourself becomes habit,one which needs a little counselling to change. I personally went the whole hog; losing half my body weight at age 13 and ending up in hospital. These days I am kinder to myself - I am "better" now,although I still regret the time I wasted obsessing over fat grams and exercise. It saddens me to watch so many people here weave their own little webs of self-destruction; leaving home only to become dependent on other people’s acceptance. Yes,student lifestyle is

and stomach. It does hurt your hips after a while,but it’s worth it because you come out feeling refreshed,as if those lunchtimes at McDonald’s have been incinerated away. Plus it’s good fun: the people are friendly,and the teacher was helpful if you made mistakes.

It’s not just that that makes belly dancing one of the most intriguing dance classes I’ve ever been to (and I’ve been dancing since I was four years old). It’s the fact that you get the feeling of culture behind it. It’s nice not to dance to pure club music all the time - we get to do that every night in clubs if we want - and to get a taste of something different every once in a while. My only advice is not to even attempt to look at the teacher’s beaded and jingly sarong while she dances,especially if you’re one of those odd people that get distracted by shiny things…

If you want to tame that (I’m sure, lovely) beast of a belly then belly dancing is definitely for you!

one that lends itself easily to an eating disorder,but it also provides an excellent opportunity to recover.

At university there is no need to be around bitchy,pessimistic types. Join a society and find people with the same hobbies. Here is one of the best chances you’ll ever get of fitting in. Granted,it takes some bravery to do these things,but then,no one said growing up was easy. Respect your body; remember,it is a part of yourself,and you don’t go around slating the size of your self-obsession,do you? You’ve probably heard of (and perhaps sneered at) positive affirmation. Simply look in the mirror,say when you’re brushing your teeth - and tell yourself you are OK. Gradually,it works. Do not moan about yourself to other people; in doing that you put yourself in a position of vulnerability, and we feel uneasy at being invited to spectate another’s ugliness and doubt. Finally,there is nothing wrong with being confident,even when everyone else around you seems to be lamenting on the size of their backside. Unless you’ve got eyes on the back of your head,does it matter if your bum does look a bit big in that?

KYLIE

Body Language

Parlophone

Kylie is the princess of pop culture. Whether it be pouting,singing or just general ass-wiggling she has managed to survive in a music industry renowned for being fickle and disloyal. With the release of Body Language it seems Kylie is no longer concerned with survival but rather with complete pop domination.

This record is a masterclass in electronic pop music. The record fuses the eccentricity of bands such as Daft Punk with a good old dose of eighties excess. Sweet Music is the kind of retro candy-sugar pop Goldfrapp would write if they

“Slow and Still Standing resound with a sassy debauchery not heard since Prince shook his tiny little purple ass”

were not so inclined to the kinky or absurd,while the recent number one Slow and the must-be future single Still Standing resound with a sassy debauchery not heard since Prince shook his tiny little purple ass.

This is Kylie at her most comfortable and accomplished. Her voice resonates with a breathlessness that whispers seduction. Finally it seems she has found her musical niche. With lines

such as “I want my records back/To get my heart on track” on the track Someday she might not be a Dylan or a Cash but at least she’s trying! This is fantastic electro-suspender-belt-disco-pop and for that I must declare my love and admiration. Well done,you beautiful little Aussie pixie. Craig Driver

Daft Club:Remixes Virgin Daft Club boasts some tantalising collaborations,but results are mixed. High points include the Neptunes mix of Harder,Better,Faster,Stronger, Jess and Crabbe’s mix of the same track, Too Long reimagined as a ballad and Demons’ energetic mix of Face To Face. This track,along with the Laidback Luke mix of Crescendolls,may appeal to fans of Thomas Bangalter’s output on the Roulé label. However,both Basement Jaxx (tackling the sole contribution from the Homework album, Phoenix),and Boris Dlugosch (doing nothing whatsoever to enhance Digital Love) fail to deliver,providing the biggest disappointments. Overall,a must for all Daft aficionados and worth a listen to everyone else. Alex Bartley

When you hear lines like "I’m supersonic,action-packed and oestrogen-powered!" you know it’s grrrl rock time. Loaded with second-hand Courtney Loveisms,this two-year-old album, re-released for The Distillers’ market,sucks balls. It’s no surprise: Broadzilla have as many hair and make-up people as they do studio technicians. Priorities,ladies! Mat C

Lady Luck

Diamond Star

DAFT PUNK BROADZILLA

Daft Punk: Robots in disguise

Thank You,Goodnight!

Arista

It’s not often that albums so phenomenally bad arrive on our lowly shores,so we should all join hands together and make the most of White Light Motorcade. From New York (yawn) with Britpop haircuts (double yawn),they sound like Liam Gallagher fronting - if you can believe this is possible - an even-lessinteresting Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. It’s a rarity for music to become so bad that you don’t so much want to turn it off,but regret even being able to hear music in the music place,but of these rare breeds, Thank You, Goodnight! is by far the most repulsive. Shite Light Motorcade more like.

John Widdop

Thick Skin

SPV

Once upon a time,in a land far,far away (Derby to be precise),Skid Row stood alongside the likes of Iron Maiden and Slayer upon the Monsters of Rock stage. If ever there was a soundtrack to personify such Donington days, Thickskin is it. Raw,back-to-basics goodtime rock: this is the album Motley Crue wish they were still making. Dig out those denim jackets and ripped jeans,dust off your air guitar and indulge in the nostalgia. Sam Coare

We l l h u n g

Stand Up And Swear

No Danger

It starts as sinister as paedophile’s fingers: very,very nearly lurching into ma-ragging creep-fest Celebrate Your Mother by Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster. Opener Two Finger Blues is a crushing handshake of a welcome to Cardiff’s Sammo Hung: sneery Pixies guitar rumbles hacking into drooling Halloween bass,front-woman Jemma Roper hamming it up as punk-rock Debbie Harry, dressed in black and dripping blood.

The Hung’s formula wins on two fronts. Lestyn Lloyd’s twitchy,tuneful, clever guitar jerking

instantly hurls them into league with the new millennium’s dark-hearted tinnitus-inducing racket merchants (Eighties Matchbox, Ikara Colt,Mclusky etc), but spooled through a love of blood-soaked spook-rock (Cramps,The Birthday Party,Ozzy Osbourne hiding in the closet) SH mutate their own play on nu-noise guitar-crippling rock’n’roll. So the sound is there, but as any fool knows,the songs damn well better be too. Lucky,then,that in I Love The Leader SH bootkick into the kind of delirious chanting chorus that the concept of the indieclub just wouldn’t exist without. An exhausting, menacing rampage round the fire of death-rock,it

sounds like their Boobytrap Records single Random SOI - just shitloads better,their finest episode. On At Home I Am A Shark,Lloyd’s stabbing guitar sears in and out as Roper pipes up: "At home I am a shark… SHARK SHARK". It feels like someone flicking your most sensitive nipple with one hand,and doing that horrible knuckle-rub thing on the back of your neck with the other. You know,the kind that really, really kills.

Sharp as a diamond hatchet,draped in gloomy attitude and always on hand to add the IQ to the rock show,Sammo Hung’s take on 21st century rock’n’roll is that bit more vital than the others’.

Jamie Fullerton

SAMMO HUNG

SKID ROW

Me,Myself And I Columbia

It was just as we feared: Beyoncé couldn’t go "uh oh uh oh uh oh" forever. Yes, it’s time for that all-too-predictable limp midtempo ballad interlude,and therefore time to look away until she releases her stellar Outkast collaboration, Hip Hop Star, as a single. Alex Macpherson

Ain’t What You Do EMI

I loved Bananarama. This cover is decidedly less fruity,incorporating yet another ringmaster introduction and mention of Prada. You ain't big and you ain't my brothers (sorry... brovaz). Nathalie Southall

impressive pop masterpiece. Dave Jennings

Never Get Old Columbia

Evidence that The Dame really is doing his most interesting work for 20-odd years. Well textured,it’s incredible that his voice still stands. B-side Waterloo Sunset is almost a garagerock cover,and,for Bowie, pretty good. Jason Draper

THE CRIBS

Baby Don’t Sweat/Another Number Wichita

Garage-rock yet more America from fashionable. Re-arrange these words to form whatever the NME will like best. Then set amps for The Strokes and find some scruffy pretenders. If it sounds catchy it doesn’t matter if it actually is. The radio will still play it. It’s like ‘chocolate-flavoured’ food. Chris Griffin

My Immortal Wind Up

THE MOONIES

The RockAnd Roll EP Tri-Tone

Four addictive slices of Liverpudlian guitar pop which keep the toes tapping and the head nodding. Single of the year? Of course not. But single of the week? Hell yeah! David Ford

Hysteria

Mushroom/Taste

This song wouldn’t sound out of place on a Boyzone album. Metal? Don’t make us fucking laugh. The only thing going for Evanescence is a fit singer. And that’s it. Style over substance. Ben Wright

Right Now Epic

More bone-crunching stuff from the pioneers of numetal. A huge riff with some mighty haunting vocals. Good to see them back doing what they do best. Matt Aplin

EVANESCENCE KORN SUMMER MATTHEWS

Little Miss Perfect Sony

Fusing a sound of Britney, Holly Valance and with the attitude of Pink, Little Miss Perfect - the debut single from Byker Grove’s Emmais an unexpected and

Not as instantly appealing as previous release Time Is Running Out but nonetheless a quality track. Scratchy guitars and the almost electronic melody blend well with Matt Bellamy’s distinctive whine. Definitely one that grows on you. Sarah Ahmad

SERFER ROSA

Neon Commander SV_Eng

Remember Republica? Awful,weren’t they! The mere thought of them makes you retch,right? So no need to insult your ears with Surfer Rosa’s electroclash efforts,which make Saffron’s squawk sound like the singing of angels. Mat C

The Beautiful Occupation Independiente

Eek! Travis ‘go political’. Fortunately it works,specifically because of some multi-layered vocals and a nice jangly guitar that zooms into the chorus. Strangely,the ending sounds like The Coral. Rob Telford

Good ‘head

RADIOHEAD

Cardiff International Arena

Monday November 24

Forget Oxford homecomings and Glastonbury headliners. Not obliged to please crowds,the more intimate venue is where Radiohead prove themselves. Whereas three years ago,their ‘new’ direction was greeted with confusion, finally the post-OK Computer work has been fully assimilated into the canon, with few ‘old’ songs performed. Even that curio, Kid A,is received with rapturous applause from a devoted audience. They occupy a strange position: driving stadium anthems – Lucky and Fake Plastic Trees – home to singalongs, Radiohead are equally comfortable with the sub-techno of Idioteque (a highlight), as Thom pushes himself into Ian Curtis jerks. However,the crowd are happier pogoing to Just – some people still don’t get it.

Hail To The Thief dominates. These tracks – occasionally sounding muddy on record – like all the post-Computer work make more sense live. ‘Difficult’

songs (Like Spinning Plates) reveal underlying melodies,so often overlooked. Myxomatosis borders on Devo rigid-funk as Thom gyrates, asking to be put down; We Suck Young Blood has Ed O’Brien painfully leading the audience through handclaps,filling in gaps left open outside the studio.

Recently, Sail To The Moon has taken precedence over Pyramid Song. Of course,with the birth of Thom’s son,Noah,“you’ll build an ark and sail us to the moon” probably has more positive resonance than “black-eyed angels swam with me”, but it is still a shame,as this neglects Radiohead’s most beautiful song.

People have difficulties comprehending Thom,but he appears happy these days,dressed as a Victorian urchin. Patently clear,is Jonny Greenwood’s input: wrenching abnormal sounds from machines,his Telecaster and,on Karma Police,providing discordant jazz piano.

Everything In Its Right Place is a fitting closer after two encores. Stage empty,speakers blaring avant-garde noise,Radiohead show their true selves: an eminently modern band amidst recyclers. Jason Draper

‘Head music: Thom (main) and Ed wail away the hours Photos:Mei Lewis

St David’s Hall,Cardiff

Saturday November 15

A predominantly a cappella Chumbawamba gig then,featuring numerous 13th to 18th century English rebel songs,no less than five remarks about the monarchy,a Clash cover and a trumpet. There’s a wellworn phrase out there,something about pessimists never being disappointed or something,but for those among us who aren’t aging crusties who’ve outgrown The Levellers,a trip to see Chumbawamba performing the above doesn’t exactly smell of roses. Which is the trick,because when the five-piece do emerge and launch straight into a cascade of miner’s songs,covers of timely folk songs like The Squire,and a limited selection of their own material - impeccably timed, impeccably harmonious,and actually goddamn amazing - the effect is even more spectacular. Pleasingly,they still look like the most mismatched group in the country,still find time for accordian solos,and for a mostly voice-led performance,never once sound like anything’s missing. And most pleasingly of all,they didn’t fucking play Tubthumping. John Widdop

PEOPLE IN PLANES + SLEEPING GIANTS

Barfly,Cardiff

Monday November 10

With one support act pulling out,it's left to Sleeping Giants to open tonight's gig. It seems like a bit of a paradox when young people play dad rock,but this is after all their first gig, so maybe they were nervous. You may not have heard of People In Planes but they have been active members of the rock scene for a few years now. Under the name Tetra Splendour they released a stunning debut album, Splendid Animation, played the Carling weekend and supported Fun Loving Criminals on their last tour of the UK.

Tonight they are a different band, however,and with the inclusion of a new name there comes a multitude of new songs and a different stylistic direction. The old funk bass elements still remain,as does the melodic vocal style. Changes come in the form of new sampled elements,vocal harmonies and electronic drums in places. On the whole they seem to

have expanded from their original genre,breaking into areas of dance, funk and heavy rock. The lack of old material tonight may be a disappointment to the older fans,but the new songs easily hold their own. Highlights include new ones Narcoleptic and Black Widow and set closer Bless My Soul from the band's first album.

Tetra Splendour may have been and gone,but the arrival of People In Planes is one that is definitely long overdue. Sam Mills

SPINESHANK + ILL NINO + CHIMAIRA

Solus,Cardiff

Tuesday November 4

First to hit the stage are Chimaira and frankly why this band are first on the bill is absolutely beyond me. Blending the insanely fast double kick assault of early Fear Factory,the lumbering sludgy grooves of Machinehead (back in the days when they were good) and the brutally violent breakdowns of Throwdown,Chimaira are a breath of fresh air to the turgid shite that currently dominates modern metal; the kind of turgid shite that is epitomised by bands like Ill Nino and Spineshank. Both the following bands embody the the monotonous,mind-numbing drone that makes trying to castrate yourself with a potato peeler seem vastly more appealing than listening. In short, Chimaira - brutally stunning! The rest of the bands shouldn’t have bothered. Luke Grahame

DESMOND DEKKER AND THE ACES + F-MINUS

The Engine Room,Cardiff

Sunday November 16

Due to a fantastically un-hilarious mixup with the bookings,tonight’s main performers,the rather dandy protopunks F-Minus ended up playing their set a full hour and a half before the doors were supposed to open. Whoops. So let’s just presume they were great and have done with it. The replacement,or rather the person supposed to be playing - the man himself,the reggae superstar,the Bob Marley you don’t have to wack up on weed to appreciate,the absolute coolest cat this side of Danny JohnJules,officially the most legendary hyperbole-splurging performer of all time - was Desmond Dekker. Until the music starts playing,because errr... almost every song sounded exactly the same (apart from Israelites,naturally). But still,Dekker’s party-conscious ska,with the emphasis on con-

scious,strikes a chord,and pushes every button marked ‘dance’ in the room. Even the poor,unlucky latearrival punkers get down on the dancefloor and dance to the oldest skanker in town. And when Desmond says “jump jump”,only a braindead audience wouldn’t ask how high. John Widdop

Clwb Ifor Bach,Cardiff

Friday November 14

DJ Swamp’s got a fat list of credentials: his US DMC championship victory; his show-stealing stint in Beck’s Midnite Vultures backing group; his acclaimed drum’n’bass work. But tonight he’s an insane performer. One minute he’s wrangling absurd rhythms from the decks; the next,he’s got the mic and announcing who-knows-what in a spooky falsetto voice,then rasping his way through a rap while scratching with his feet and throwing records at the audience. And now, with hand aflame,he’s breathing fire and spinning burning records. Somehow the theatrics never mask Swamp’s technical and creative skill: they fit perfectly with the equally unhinged sounds. Mat C

QUANTIC SOUL ORCHESTRA

Barfly,Cardiff

Saturday November 8

Life is full of mysteries. Nobody knows how the nine-piece Quantic Soul Orchestra found room on the Barfly’s stage,but thankfully they did. In an age where so many funk bands are either limp Brand New Heavies copyists or ego-fuelled discoheads, the QSO stand out as musicians with incredible talent and welcome modesty. They look like teachers from an early 80s episode of Grange Hill,such is their lack of ego.

When the crisp,soulful funk breaks down into solos,there’s always an understated finesse to them,from the unearthly low scoops and whoops of the baritone sax to the breathy flute solo. And the drummer pulls the rarest of tricks from his kit: a drum solo the audience can dance to.

The only wart on the QSO’s face is the fat blonde who snatches centre stage for two or three numbers insisting she’s a diva. She’s wrong: the stars of the night are the ones outside the spotlight. Mat C

DJ SWAMP

Great Hall,Cardiff

Saturday November 8

And so the widely anticipated night of rock’n’roll that was Black Rebel Motorcycle Club came upon the Great Hall on Saturday. The support took the form of a band who shouted their name,yet nobody heard. Not much of a problem. Suffice to say that at times they touched on Coldplay territory at times while keeping the audiences feet tapping.

While playing tracks from both their original eponymous effort and Take Them On On Your Own,the view of BRMCas a band growing in both ability in terms of keeping an audiences attention and their technical playing became brightly apparent. A glorious prospect for both the fans and the uninitiated alike,although at 15 quid

a g i c

a pop,I doubt there were too many of the armchair faithful in attendance.

The fact that the audience was of a distinctly mixed bunch showed just what an impact this band have to make if they haven’t already done so. Well worth the ticket price. Phil McKeown

Cardiff International Arena

Sunday November 16

Blue boys Simon,Anthony,Lee and Duncan were on top form on Sunday night,setting the CIA alight on the Welsh leg of their guilty tour. Suspended from the ceiling they burst onto the stage to choruses of ear piercing screams and banners reading,‘We’re guilty for loving Blue’. They opened with Back To You. Playing tracks from both previous albums and the new release Guilty, the boys received a warm welcome. A superb

performance of If You Come Back In My Life invited the crowd of youngsters to raise their glow sticks and sway their arms in unison. However Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word just didn’t seem the same without Elton. Promising some surprises they definitely did so with an unexpectedly good rendition of Michael Jackson hits - Thriller, Beat It and Smooth Criminal - with Lee even sounding like the king himself. With dancing skeletons,fireworks and the moonwalk it was unquestionably the highlight of the evening. Sarah Ahmad

SMALL VICTORIES

ClwbIfor Bach,Cardiff

Saturday November 15

It kind of says something about Small Victories’ populist appeal that tonight a good whack of the crowd are actually over the age of 24. Write great music,it seems,and you’ll snare the ears of those who can appreciate it (ie,anyone with ears at all).

Tonight SV are quick to show off their mastery of build. Poor Man’s Opera creeps and crawls into consciousness,snowballing into a gigantaur sledgehammer of whirling guitars,with layered swooshes courtesy of bouncer-chic DJ Jamie Beach. And topping off We’ll Let You Down’s tribal-drum rampage with another ice-cold chorus, James Chant and co tell us they’re more than just previous incarnation Tommy And The Chauffeur with beards (though they’ve got those too).

Holding On Hopefully raises the bar suitably,an electric storm of epic U2ism,just so much more brilliant than that sounds. Just look at the pirouetting skinheads at the front for confirmation of its heart-swelling greatness. It’s moments like these that get the pulses pumping: The Weight’s Sigur Rós-esque grace, Go Back To Bed America’s spiteful chorus cut with James Milford’s sky-surfing croon,and a climatic brass-assisted rollaround in London,so sweet it could have been sliced from Super Furry Animals’ home language masterpiece Mwng Fresh as fuck,unafraid of shooting for the moon and with the sharp eyed pedigree to hit it dead centre,Small Victories make you think you’re never going to die. Jamie Fullerton

Photo:Tim Alban

BLACK REBEL MOTORCYCLE CLUB

Clwb Ifor Bach,Cardiff

Monday November 17

It would be a cliche to say that Mountain Men Anonymous sound like a cross between Mogwai and Godspeed You! Black Emperor,but let's face it, their epic post-rock does. However that's not to say that MMA aren't original and individual,and tonight they pummel away admirably. Not perfect,but a worthy way to launch new album Krkonose (out next March) on new label My Kung Fu.

Also being launched at tonight's party is Sammo Hung's fine debut Stand Up And Swear on another new label No Danger. SH only play wee little songs by comparison,and tonight played for a very weeny 25 minutes. The crowd seem satiated though,and rightly so. SH's brand of edgy post-punk translates well to the stage,with Jemma Roper's energetic vocals the making of their dynamic sound. A cracking little band, from whom I'm sure you'll be hearing much much more. David Ford

Clwb Ifor Bach,Cardiff

Thursday November 22

Do you remember that game where you had to stare at your mate for as long as possible before one of you blinked? Well it seems that British Sea Power haven’t forgotten it,as they constantly stare into the crowd throughout the gig,waiting to see if someone will run out screaming. And the staring is by no means the strangest occurrence at this gig. A menagerie of plastic birds adorn the stage while the band dress (as usual) as if they have just jumped out of a Wilfred Owen poem.

The music is far from strange. Their perfected style of melodic,heavy indie sounds brilliant alongside lead singer Yan’s Bowie-esqe warblings. By far the most popular tunes tonight are recent singles Remember Me and Carrion and the crowd are whipped into quite a frenzy. Yet they still manage to be clamed and soothed by b-side Lovely Day Tomorrow

guitarist Noble climbs anything he can get his hands on,then to end what has become a carcophony of feedback Yan leaps onto the crowd with his eyes bulging screaming something completely inaudible.

British Sea Power may be seen as a new generation of British eccentrics, but they sure now how to put on a show. Anthony Lloyd

Barfly,Cardiff

Saturday November 22

to describe it: commitment.

The support act,A Girl Called Eddy, have obviously worked long and hard on refining their own brand of emotive melody - imagine Eva Cassidy singing Burt Bacharach songs - and it works well.

However,it is in the encore that BSP are seen at their best. One song that lasts twenty minutes that at times decends into a wall of noise. Keyboardist Eamonn marches around the crowd banging a bass drum,while

The Dirtbombs specialise in good oldfashioned rock,played loud and dumb. It works spectacularly. Although they do nothing new by combining garage rock and blues,the energy that drives their songs is as fresh and vital today as it was thirty years ago. The fact that they're experienced showmen only helps matters,and the set climaxes with half the ladies in the audience being called up to dance on stage as the band reaches a crescendo. Now that's a rock 'n roll ending. Cassidy Phillips

THE DIRTBOMBS TOM McRAE

The Engine Room,Cardiff

Wednesday November 12

Tom McRae is the kind of secret that you want to keep just for yourself. Tonight,for me,there was one word fit

As Tom took the stage there seemed a strange sense of confidence in the crowd; we knew we didn’t need to question whether or not he could deliver his delicate balance of quiet intensity perfectly. With Tom a flawless performance is to be taken for granted - and it was given tonight with piercing vocal intensity,a godlike cello,thundering with reverb and careful,delicate guitar and keyboards. The question was what would be extra special tonight? After delivering a beautifully powerful and balanced set of songs from his two albums Tom answered the question: without musicians or amplification,he led the crowd through a completely acoustic Bloodless. Although not a famous song,it felt as not a single word or breath was missed by anyone in that room; that is what I define as commitment.

Tom,you are stronger than dirt and when the dust has cleared,you will still be here. Don’t stop.

Hannah Muddiman

BRITISH SEA POWER

Priceless Jem:Sammo Hung go for the crown jewels

Photo:Tim Alban

From Julianne to Johnny,Film present the best of 2003

People of the future,when they’re not busy going about on flying skateboards or lightsabre-ing their dads, will look back on 2003 and think “How the hell did they cope with so many sequels?” And they’ll be right: we’ve been inundated with “Part II”s and “Return of”s,from the long-awaited (Terminator 3) to the short-awaited (Matrix Revolutions) to the we-weren’tactually-waiting (Dumb And Dumberer, Legally Blonde 2). So how did we cope? Because when sequel fatigue overtook us,we had the following gems to entertain us.

BESTFILM

CityOf God

No one expects anything good to come from the hellish slums of Rio De Janeiro,so this film took us all by surprise. Director Fernando Meirelles translated Rio’s juvenile violence and hot-blooded liveliness into an amazing film full of unforgettable scenes. From the opening chicken chase to the climactic gang war - and armed

with an awesome Latin funk soundtrack - this was the best film of the year. And to top it off,the cast mainly comprised street kids without acting experience. Incredible.

BEST DIRECTOR

Quentin Tarantino, Kill Bill

After the pouting-and-leather aesthetics of the Matrix trilogy,QT returned to remind us what real cool is all about: sharp dialogue and sharper swords. Who else would end a fight scene with a line like "those of you who have lost limbs,leave them here. They belong to me now!"? It’s great to have him back.

BEST ACTORS

Nic Cage, Adaptation

Nic Cage must be ashamed of his acting talents. Why else would he separate his two personae so distinctly? There’s the dopey blockbuster Cage we’ve seen in The Rock and Gone In 60 Seconds,then the actorsaurus Cage,hidden away in the likes

of Wild At Heart, Leaving Las Vegas and now Adaptation. Here,Cage plays twins who are identical right down to their clothes and haircuts,yet he manages to render them with the right amount of similarities and differences. It’s a subtle performance,and arguably one of this year’s finest.

Julianne Moore, Far From Heaven Moore is stunning as the perfect 50s housewife,keeping an immaculate façade while her world falls to pieces.

Johnny Depp, Pirates Of The Caribbean

Depp has left his pretty-boy days well behind him and matured into a star fit to stand alongside the greats. His Keef Richards impression in Pirates Of The Caribbean is Depp’s most memorable performance since Edward Scissorhands

City Of God

MASTER AND COMMANDER

Dir: Peter Weir

Cast: Russell Crowe,Paul Bettany

Based on the nautical novels of Patrick O’Brian,this film follows Captain Jack Aubrey (Russell Crowe) as he leads his British crew against the threat of the French during the Napoleonic wars. Now call me critical but this film contained no more personality than a cracked coconut. While the grand set pieces and battle scenes are entirely professional and well crafted they don’t detract from a story premise that amounts to no more than ‘British ship chases French ship and wins!’

While Russell Crowe’s performance is charismatic it fails to ignite any passion or emotion. He is given a script awash with clichés. At key moments when he should inspire patriotism or pride he expounds no more than a collection of speeches wreaking of verbal flatulence. The dialogue in general is slow and monotonous. As O’Brian’s novels were written in the early 1800s the film suffers from tired and out-of-date source material. The only saving grace is Paul Bettany’s performance as the ship’s doctor who,despite being given a pointless script,crafts an impressive performance of a man at odds with his situation.

Forget this hulking masculine brick of a film and go and watch the witty and enjoyable Pirates Of The Caribbean instead. And Mr Crowe,if you read this please don’t hurt me but do please do a decent film next time: we don’t need another talent wasted like Marlon Brando!

Craig Driver

Gibson,Jeremy Northam,Katie Holmes

The bringing together of the charismatic Robert Downey Jr and the darkness of a Dennis Potter screenplay should have been a winning combination in anybody’s book. Sadly the big screen version lacks the claustrophobia of the original,or

the suspense of the TV cliff-hanger ending each week. What is left is simply an overly nasty piece of work that leaves the viewer cold and careless. Downey Jr’s Dan Dark,the pulp fiction writer paralysed by the flesh eating disease,just spits out the lines without giving them any feeling. It doesn’t help that the hallucinations,a key part of Dark’s character,are so limply done that it’s difficult to be too interested in what’s going on. Even the song and dance numbers just simply don’t have enough razzmatazz. An unpleasant disappointment.

Gary Andrews

from the movies,creating a world of their own in their dishevelled Parisian penthouse. With the imagination of children and the sexual liberation of rabbits,they procrastinate with communism,poetry and film.

Bertolucci said he wanted to remind today’s youth of a time when the future was bright. Certainly he portrays a world of potential and action, within which the freedom of “the dreamers” is allowed to flourish.

Henry Archer

Not released until next year, The Dreamers is the latest film from Bernardo Bertolucci. His back catalogue includes Last Tango In Paris and Stealing Beauty,both of which are thoughtful,articulate and hugely pornographic pieces. The Dreamers certainly fulfils the Bertolucci criteria.

Set against the turbulent landscape of Paris 1968,film-obsessed twins Isabelle and Theo adopt fellow cinephile Matthew. Matthew,an American exchange student,is fascinated by their intense,quasi-incestuous relationship.

Self-consciously the trio enact scenes

Dir: Aaron Blaise,Robert Walker Cast: Joaquin Phoenix,Jeremy Suarez,Jason Raize,Rick Moranis

You know Christmas has well and truly arrived when Disney release an ultra-cute animation specifically so kids can pester their parents for weeks on end. It’s also fairly predictable that it’ll contain the usual message of how wonderful family values. And isn’t that Phil Collins on the soundtrack? OH DEAR GOD NO!

But before you run away too far,let me tell you that Brother Bear has one redeeming feature – it’s actually quite good. The story is about a young Native American,K (voiced by Joaquin Phoenix),who is turned into a bear by his dead brother in order to understand his true calling in life (I swear I am not making this up). Naturally he’s befriended by an ultra-cute cub called Kola who,through his childlike innocence,helps K grow. Add a couple of daft mongooses and the film is genuinely difficult to dislike.

Brother Bear was never going to be the new The Lion King,although it does steal from

Master And Commander

Dir: Keith Gordon

Cast: Robert Downey Jr,Robin Wright Penn,Mel

Dir: Bernardo Bertolucci

Cast: Michael Pitt,Louis Garrel,Eva Green,Robin Renucci

it shamelessly in places,but it’s definitely a good way to keep the fiveyear-old cousin amused for an hour and a half.

Gary Andrews

LIVINGINHOPE (DVD)

Dir: Guy de Beaujeu Cast: Tom Harper,Liam McMahon

Living In Hope is a low budget affair that depicts the highs and lows experienced by a group first year students attending Bristol University. Liam is the Irishman reluctant to leave his girlfriend,Footsie is the unassuming northerner committed to his studies,Animal is the determined sportsman eager to earn the

respect of his father and Harry is the affable but self-conscious cockney, desperate for acceptance. Finally, Posh is the thrill seeking man about town.

These diverse characters are thrown together during their tenure at Hope Hall and form a strong bond after a tragedy befalls one of their number. It is this camaraderie that leads to a chain of events that challenges their preconceptions about one another and leads them all on a journey of personal growth. The film encompasses the usual genre staples of drinking,relationships,establishing oneself in a new environment and issues surrounding social class and peer group bonding. However, since the perspective is almost exclusively male-orientated,you only get half the story.

seasonal cheer,you’ll find it hard to keep the salty tears from running down your cheeks. Merry Christmas.

Ultimately,while the film attempts to depict the experience of first year student-hood through different perspectives and events,it fails to rise above stereotypical character analysis. The young cast attempt to flesh out their roles,but are unable to create a sense of naturalism in their performances. This was a prevailing element in the far superior Human Traffic,a film Living In Hope desperately wants to be. Despite its moments,the film eventually becomes a laboured viewing experience. For a more engaging perspective of university life,try The Rules Of Attraction Alex Bartley

Coming soon

Ifthe picture of Mike Myers as the Cat In The Hat (right) doesn’t give you nightmares,then you’re braver than me. It’s in cinemas soon,as is Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King which has a long title and a long film to go with it. We all love seeing old men with long white beards at Christmas time, and this film has two of them in the form of Sir Ian McKellen and Christopher Lee (is he a knight yet? If not,why not? Get a move on,Queenie!). This one will have all the big battles and,with any luck,no talking trees. Festive!

On the small screen, don’t forget to sit with a glass of brandy in one hand and an unwanted gift in t’other and sit down to watch the greatest Christmas film ever made. It’s A Wonderful Life is on every year without fail and through a combination of over-eating,family trauma and

Brother Bear

Living In Hope

The Cat In The Hat

It’s A Wonderful Life

Return Of The King

Director: István Szabó

Cast: Harvey Keitel,Stellan Skarsgård,Moritz Bleibtreu

Harvey Keitel and Stellan Skarsgård star in this tale of the witch hunt for Nazis in Germany after World War II. Set to the moving tones of Beethoven’s 9th and images of war-destroyed Germany,this classy film follows Major Arnold’s (Keitel) criminal investigation into a prominent orchestra conductor (Skarsgård). Losing none of his gangster-style brashness,Keitel pulls off this challenging role of attempting to condemn a man who looks so constantly distressed he couldn’t possibly be guilty.

The film sees Arnold investigating members of the Berlin Orchestra and throws up many prejudices that give this piece a sense of realism. At no point does the film shy away from the atrocities of the war; constant footage of the camps and Hitler worship remind you whose side you should be on. However,at times it is almost impossible not to feel sorry for the diminished conductor. There are also some amusing moments. For instance,at one point Arnold and his friend Colonel Dimshits (no joke: this is the characters’ name) get drunk together which provides some much needed humour in this rather serious film.

There is also,of course,a pretty secretary and handsome young officer

who provide a touching romance. The pace of this film is very similar to that of The Pianist; it is no surprise to learn that they are both scripted by Ron Harwood. While perhaps a little slow at times,the dialogue and the quality of the acting and filming make this a film worth going to see. But don’t be expecting any big explosions or too much fun! Although,be warned: don’t leave your seat too quick at the end as one small gesture makes a lot of sense out of the whole plot. Claire Lamswood

Dir: Jon Favreau

Cast: Will Ferrell,James Caan, Mary Steenbergen

Christmas cheer is back with a vengeance as Jon Favreau turns in the best ‘suitable for adults’ kiddie flick in years. Granted,the trailers for Elf looked dangerously twee. The plot alone,in which a man raised by elves (Ferrell –Old School) comes to New York to find his father (Caan) and dispenses Christmas cheer to a commercialism-driven city, smacks unpleasantly of seasonal-scheduling favourite Santa Claus: The Movie. However,once in the cinema, you forget all that and are absorbed from the outset by an engaging comedy that revels in its own joyous message.

There are no precious little moviebrats lisping ‘merry Christmas, everyone’ in this Christmas film. In fact, there is a complete lack of embarrassment on the part of the adult cast about being in a kiddie film,simply because it doesn’t feel like one. There’s no patronising,just a great sense of humour. Even when Ferrell is acting like a fool,he genuinely seems to be enjoying being a big kid. Elf,while eventually hanging on public belief in Santa Claus,conforms to no other Christmas conventions. Its charm,humour and cracking retro production design are refreshing and unique,and Elf should extract a Christmas smile from the most hardened of moviegoers.

Gwenllian Thomas

Taking Sides

Oh come all ye faithful...

...for Mario Kart:Double Dash is here. Simeon RosserTrokas suffers bleeding thumbs of joy

It might not technically be Christmas yet,but as from November 14 all my Christmases came early in the shape of Mario Kart: Double Dash on Gamecube. Double Dash is the fourth incarnation of the legendary Mario Kart series and also the best since the SNES original; everything about it is so good it hurts.

Graphically,it’s as if you’re driving in a living cartoon with beautiful detail on the tracks,the karts,and the characters themselves. The audio is not particularly impressive,but everything is where it should be: humming kart engines,suitably booming explosions and most important of all the individual character taunts as you overtake or whoop someone’s ass with a redshell. This is all well and good,but without sparkling game play,it would be worthless. Thankfully,as usual Nintendo laughs in the face of lesser developers and has produced one the best games of all time.

Detractors might say that “not much has changed since the N64 version” and “what’s all the fuss about?”; these people need to beaten

with a pool cue until their retinas detach. True,on your first play you’ll have a sense of déjà vu,but as you play just a little further you’ll soon realise that everything about it is better than its prequel. Sublime tracks that test both your skill and speed are infinitely better than the N64 version, being much truer to the original,and can induce both joy and rage in equal measure. New and outrageous powerups line up against old favourites; each,when properly timed,can give you that tiny advantage necessary to win a race. And let’s not forget the racers themselves: Double Dash provides a myriad of both characters and karts to place them in,with each combination providing a subtly different balance of speed,acceleration and handling,as well as effective and imaginative personalised power-ups. This brings me neatly to the most obviously new feature of DD,the fact that you now pick two characters: one to drive your kart and one to fire your weapons. Although this initially seems a little gimmicky,it does in fact add a very welcome nuance to the game. Certain combinations have distinct

advantages over others,and swapping between pairings in order to make the most of the special power-ups can often mean the difference between first and last place.

Just like that unexpected pound coin in your slice of Christmas pudding,I’ve saved the best until last, and one word summarises it: Multiplayer! Multiplayer! Oh glorious multiplayer! Nothing,and I mean nothing,provides greater satisfaction in the gaming world than four-player Mario Kart. Victory never tasted so sweet as when you mushroom boost on the final straight to pip your now ex-friend to the line,nor did defeat taste so bitter than when you led a race from the start only to be shelled into oblivion on the final corner. Add to this three different kinds of battle mode,unlockable courses,karts, characters and mirror mode and I give you the best game of the year and Digital’s biggest ever Christmas cracker. The fat guy can wait; buy it now!

Gamecube

It’s make or break time for Nintendo’s bundle of joy; some of the GC’s biggest titles will be released before the year is out and if the recent price drop to £80 doesn’t convince consumers,nothing will. The big one is Mario Kart: Double Dash,although a number of other big franchises receive updates too (in the form of F-Zero GX, Rogue Squadron III,and 1080: Avalanche). Plus,there’s always the magically delicous quasi-old-skool fighter Viwetiful Joe and cheery platformer Billy Hatcher to contend for your cash. £80? It’d be rude not to.

Xbox

Adistinguished,but arguably unremarkable selection of games for the Big Black Box this year. There’s a slew of stunning ‘realistic’ titles on the way,in the form of Top Spin, Rainbow 6 III, Amped 2 and Project Gotham Racing 2. Live-enabled gamers also have a treat in store: most of the above are enabled for online play,as are Sega GT Online, Crimson Skies and Counter-Strike. If you like your games a bit less gritty, the marvellous Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic and Grabbed By The Ghoulies are backing up the rear. Oo-er.

X-Mastacy?

Gareth Lloyd guides you through the Christmas console war

Christmas coming,geese fat, etc... you know the drill. Chances are some of you lot will be looking to mooch a console off the fat red dude this Christmas (three cheers for jolly old Phil Mitchell!)

But which one to go for? Let’s try

and address the issue without resorting to fanboy-baiting nonsense ("gaycube suxx!! ps2 r0XoR5!!!!1"). It’s a hard one to call this year: aggressive pricing and strong lineups should make for happy gamers all round come Crimbo.

PS2

Tough one. Sony’s ageing behemoth has perhaps the weakest lineup this Xmas,and the highest price point to boot,but it still packs a considerable wallop. Apart from the machine’s extensive back catalogue,it has a trump card in the form of Pro Evolution 3 – undoubtedly the definitive footie game in existence. Jak & Daxter 2 and Ratchet & Clank 2 should also make a splash,as should Prince Of Persia (which is exclusive to PS2 for holiday season,and is utterly, mind-blowingly fantastic).

Verdict

Look,I dunno,okay? Leave me alone. I’ve had a hard week. Oh, alright. The GC is amazing value, although the Xbox probably has the more satisfying lineup in the longterm. At this point,Digital wouldn’t recommend a PS2 until the long-rumoured price-cut comes about. OK,happy now? Merry Christmas,douchebags.

Three wise men: Grabbed By The Ghoulies, Prince Of Persia, F-Zero

Digital Four wheel death 41

Roadkill

(PS2) fills Craig Driver with bile. Carmageddon outta here? HAHAHA!

Icouldtell you that this game is wonderful. I could tell you that it is well designed and thought out. I could also tell you that the graphics are fabulous and defy belief. I could say all these things,but I would be lying out of my pretty little student arse. Playing Roadkill is the gaming equivalent of poking yourself in the eye with a spoon before deciding that your best

friend’s grandmother is looking damn fine tonight and in desperate need of some physical loving.

Basically it’s a mess. Set in a postapocalyptic world destroyed by plague you must ride around deserted cities carrying out missions which mostly consist of killing people and general carnage and slaughter.

Blatantly ripping off the Grand

Theft Auto franchise it lifts everything from the gameplay to the basic premise. If Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is the daddy of all games then this runt of a game is its inbred little cousin from Alabama. While you are given the option of duelling with your friends in combat,the gameplay or indeed the graphics are never really up to the task. This is the kind of game that companies rush into producing without ever giving any real thought or originality to the game concept; thankfully for us not all computer games are this monotonous or basic.

If you’re thinking of buying this game,then don’t. If you do then I shall run you down and then you will be roadkill. Now you wouldn’t want that,would you?

Merry Christmas, or something

You lucky things.Digital has a Christmas message for you,as well as a yuletide competition. Bow down to your new Digital overlords

Oh,you guys! You’re awesome,you really are. Digital Editors Gareth and Simeon wish a very happy Christmas to anyone who’s contributed to this section over the last few months; we also wish to fart in the general direction of anyone who hasn’t. Nah,we love you too really. MAD props especially go out to Ben Wright and Craig Driver who’ve done sterling work for the page. We’ll be stepping up our web coverage in the new year,so if you run a website or a blog,or are just a keen surfer,we want your input.

Never let it be said that Digital is a Scrooge! Two lucky readers can win a copy of Backyard Wrestling on PS2,and one of you will also bag a Backyard Wrestling T-shirt to accompany your shiny new game! All you have to do is answer this simple question:

What other format (not mentioned in our Double Dash review) has a Mario Kart game featured on?

What do you mean you want a hint? Well if you are truly thick,it’s Nintendo’s most recent handheld console. That’s all you’re getting, there are no excuses for getting the answer wrong.

Kindly send your entries to grdigital@cf.ac.uk and our Christmas Elf will pick the two lucky winners at random from the correct entries.

United colours of Wales

GWILYM PRICHARD

Martin Tinney Gallery

This latest collection of oil paintings by Welsh artist Gwilym Prichard depicts a number of powerful landscapes in bold and solid colours. The paintings are predominantly of mountainous or coastal areas and range from expressing a calm tranquillity to an almost overbearing boldness. This is mainly through the contrast of colours. Each painting shares a feeling of solitude,depicting the wilderness in what appears to be its most abundant form. They are mood creating paintings,achieving solidarity and seclu-

sion. Although its genre typically invites a relaxed atmosphere for escape or a retreat,these paintings to me suggested a desolate environment,windswept and desperate. The bold colours are often brash,wild and untamed,almost having an anger within them; a feeling of abandonment.

The juxtaposition of the larger compositions is quite overpowering and a selection of smaller pieces is a welcome break,and in my opinion,far more successful. Prichard creates his atmospheres through texture,applying thick sumptuous paint or scratching away to reveal the grain within the canvas. These techniques are lost

within the large paintings but are less hectic and more effective in their representation when produced on a smaller scale. His eye for detail and accuracy in nature is clear in these more three-dimensional compositions. As an overall impression,Gwilym Prichard has created a collection of memorable oil paintings with a unique style and colour palette. They are not commonplace still life landscapes but neither are they abstract. The large paintings may be a little too much to take in at the same time but the smaller compositions are more accessible to the everyday eye and capture the beauty of nature in an exciting way. Natalie Slater

The end of the American Dream?

A LIE OF THE MIND

Sam Shepard

Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama

The play A Lie Of The Mind is an adaption from a Pulitzer-prize winning novel from Sam Shepard. The first page of the program for this play contained a dramatic director’s note to the play. The Greek tragic figures of Oedipus and Electra were meant to have an influence on the play but what followed was somewhat eclectic in comparison.

The play opened and closed with an almost carnival-esque line dancing scene,where,at the end,the audience began to clap along. It was certainly a different way to start and finish the play and I felt that it was badly placed in relation to the issues that

were being raised.

Set in South America around 50 years ago,the focus was on two American families,each dealing with dysfunctional relationships,lies and domestic violence. Most of the characters seemed to be mad to some extent - either through not being aware of what was going on or through becoming isolated and obsessed. However,as the play progressed I started to wonder who really was mad and who was not - whether it was better to be aware of what was happening or whether you would be able to stay more ‘sane’ without knowing.

This world is claustrophobic,with various characters trapped in the buildings that they had been born in and in the lives that they had made for themselves. There was a particu-

larly poignant scene where violence was taking place at one end of the stage whilst at the other,two of the characters were meticulously folding up the American flag.

It was a long play,lasting for three hours in total with two intervals. This might seem insignificant but it further increased the sense of the disjointed plot line and inability to concentrate on one idea. There were a lot of issues raised in the play but it seemed like there were too many, each of them only being touched upon before the play moved into humour or went to an interval. Perhaps a more edited version would have been better,with the focus more on the key issues. Rachel Pegum

We take a look at some of Cardiff’s more diverse plays and concerts making sure that you’ve been well entertained..

More than just a name Arts

HANNAH AND HANNA

John Retallack Sherman Theatre

Hannah and Hanna have more in common than just a name. Both are aged 16,both love listening to music and both love their karaoke. It’s therefore more than just a coincidence that both have the same problem; each other.

One Hannah is Margate born and bred,fiercely proud of both her town and her rendition of Baby One More Time. The other Hanna is an asylumseeker from Pristina in Kosovo,fleeing the persecution of Slobodan Milosevic. When the two girls first meet it would seem that the last thing on their mind is friendship,but when Kosovo Hanna’s brother is injured in a fight,the two come together to form

Hannah And Hanna knows its limitations,but refuses to stereotype or sentimentalise the very human story behind the headlines

an unlikely friendship.

Louise Fitzgerald gives a thoroughly convincing performance as the acidtongued and abrasive Margate teenager. At first her dialogue is delivered with sneers,screams and shouts,but later on in the play Fitzgerald introduces a much greater depth and range to her performance. This is most noticeable when the character becomes persecuted for her friendship with Kosovo Hanna. Fitzgerald builds upon Hannah’s increasing feelings of isolation by introducing a quaver to her voice that is shortly accompanied by a frightened and vulnerable stare.

Beth Cooper’s portrayal of Kosovo Hanna is equally convincing and contrasts well with Fitzgerald’s characterisation. Throughout the play Cooper displays a great knowledge of character and deftly mixes extreme pathos with astute humour. When the character goes back to Kosovo with Margate Hannah, there is a harrowing and very moving moment when she recalls how she was raped by Serbian forces. Cooper succeeds not only in conveying the horror of this story to Margate Hannah,but to each individual member of the audience.

Hannah And Hanna knows its limitations,but refuses to stereotype or sentimentalise the very human story behind those alarmist and provocative asylum seeker headlines.

James Walsh-Heron

All smiles and no substance

They are topping the classical charts but you’d be forgiven if you’d never heard of them before. Amici Forever market themselves as

the first and only opera band,which is certainly true. However,if you were to compare them to anything in the pop market it would probably be one of the bands resulting from shows like ITV’s Pop Idol. There’s no doubt that all of them are very talented but there’s something about their good looks,constant smiles and good humour that rings of a manufactured band. It seems strange to talk of opera as manufactured!

The concerrt consisted of a mixture of solos, duets and group ensembles. The performers took it in turns,with a

couple of changes of costumes,the fenale singers in revealing dresses.

As well these performances the band did a ‘sit round the piano’ session where they spoke diectly to the audience,asking for requests and making snidely humorous comments about each others’ performance. This ringed of a forced approachability in the band,trying to appear very downto-earth.

There were many members of the audience who really enjoyed this. In fact,there was an overwhelming standing ovation at the end of the show. Maybe I’m just a bit cynical in not liking their smiley apporachable image. The image and audience of classical music is changing and that’s certainly not a bad thing. It remains to be seen at what expense these changes are made.

Rachel Pegum

St David’s Hall

AMICI FOREVER

Dylan Thomas New Theatre

The staging of this timeless Welsh classic appropriately marks the 50th anniversary of Dylan Thomas’ death. This new Welsh theatre company celebrated its birth with a play by one of Wales’ most loved poets.

Under Milk Wood tells the story of inhabitants occupying the quaint Welsh seaport of Llareggub. Those who are familiar with Thomas’ poetry know the intensity with which he writes. This,his only play,is no exception as he paints a vivid picture,out of which spring his colorful characters.

Originally intended as a ‘play for voices’,it relies heavily on two narrators to set the scene. Mathew Rhys’ treatment of the language was mildly disappointing. The fact that Rhys spoke to us out of the darkness,a spotlight covering only his face, meant that our capacity to imagine relied heavily on the words spoken. The declamatory style of his voice lacked the sincerity needed in placing us within the rich realm as we

A Welsh legend Mad monarchs

THE MADNESS OF KING GEORGE

are told at the beginning to “Listen/Only you can hear the houses sleeping in the streets in the slow deep salt and black bandaged night.” Such beautiful descriptions could have been handled with more care.

The performance gained momentum when the other actors came alive and we followed them through the night,dawn,morning,afternoon and evening of one day. Jumping from character to character with skill and energy,they evoked laughter and warmth in the hearts of the audience.

With somewhat economical staging,this visually stark interpretation showed the seven-person ensemble using the full extent of their creative resources. Producing an array of sensual sound and movement they portrayed the dreams and realities,the foes and follies and the joys and heartbreaks of the inhabitants. They proved that when delivered well one does not need elaborate technical support,as Thomas’ words are enough to capture our imagination.

This beautifully acted production may have benefited from a smaller, more intimate space that would have enabled the actors to draw us further

Incapable kings and senile sovereigns seem to hold a very real fascination for the British public,and we eagerly pounce on any news that criticises our present monarchy and its mysterious workings. As ever,the spin doctors try to portray them as real people doing a real job,and therefore susceptible to real problems and Alan Bennett’s clever stage adaptation of George III’s temporary loss of compos mentis also follows this idea.

Consequently,‘Mr and Mrs King’ become your average upper class retired couple,comfortable in each others company to the extent that bedtime farts and mealtime burps are par for the course,and not quite ‘feeling oneself’ nothing out of the ordinary. George’s madness is portrayed as a passing condition,entirely understandable given the stresses and strains of kingship.

Even so,every reputed physician in the land is invited to comment on this brief lapse,allowing for some of the

into the world that Thomas envisioned. However,this truly atmospheric interpretation was definitely worth seeing. Jennie Miller

The whole production is very watchable, and uncannily relevant to modern day royal politics

crudist humour in the play. While Dr Baker advises blistering the king’s head to allow the brain-poison to seep out,a humanised version of Toad of Toad Hall,Dr Peeps,examines the king’s daily dump,with varyingly suitable adjectives.

Eccentricity and quirkiness come in the shape of the Prince of Wales, whose blatant homosexuality gives call for further jokes on his adequacy for kingship,yet the whole production is very watchable,and uncannily relevant to modern day royal politics.

Lizzie Brown

UNDER MILK WOOD

Sherman Theatre

As the Christmas cheer is now upon us and we’re all looking ahead to next year (not mentioning the exam and essay period),Arts takes a look at what is going on in the Welsh capital over the next few months

The Arts Christmas cracker!

In with the Christmas feel,there are a host of carol events at St David’s Hall. A Christmas Carol Concert in aid of leukaemia research is on Saturday December 6 so you’ll be joining in with the seasonal cheer while also supporting a very worthy cause. For a different take on Christmas the hall features a show called Christmas On Broadway on December 7 and 8 by Penarth Music and Variety Company.

And if that’s not enough for you then on December 14 there’s a Carols by Candlelight concert featuring traditional Christmas music all in the festive candlelight setting. What better way to get you in the mood after you’ve done your present shopping?

The Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama are staging the popular

The Nutcracker is also on at St

David’s Hall.

With

stunning costume design and setting the performance is sure to be a success this Christmas

Shakespearean play The Taming Of The Shrew now until December 13. Focusing on the dark and sensual side of attraction and taming,this is definitely worth a look before you head off home for Christmas.

If you’re feeling creative and fancy something homemade to complete your Christmas decoration at home then head to Roath Park,just a few minutes walk from Cathays,where there is a Yuletide log and wreathmaking day on Sunday December 14, 10.30am to 12.30pm and 2pm to 3.30pm.

For a bit of fun join The Hunt for Father Christmas in Bute Park on December 20 from midday to 2pm. This is perfect if you’ve got a younger sibling visiting and you want a good way to entertain them (and it’s a good excuse for you to go along too!)

lso,for the child in you The Shermanbrings the magic of little people back onto the stage. The Borrowers,popular from when a lot of us were a lot smaller,is the the-

atre’s Christmas show this year. It’s on until January 10. Contact the theatre on 02920 646900 for more details. Or if you like a good Christmas panto then take a look at the New Theatre. They’ve got Aladdin

Tchaikovsky’s traditional Christmas ballet Nutcracker is also on at St David’s Hall. With stunning costume design and setting the performance is sure to be a success this Christmas. See it from December 18 until Christmas Eve.

The CADMAD company,which acts as an umbrella group for smaller community groups in South Wales,are hosting A Christmas Cabaret at The Coal Exchange in Cardiff Bay on December 12. It will feature local talent and apparently a surprise guest so ring them on 02920 452808 for more information.

The Arts desk would like to wish everyone a very jolly Christmas time - eat lots,drink lots and make merry! But make sure you come back and write for us in the New Year.

Think you might need a break from the Christmas revision? Why not fill that break with yet more books by entering one of our stupendous competitions? Go on!

The creators of The Matrix have joined forces with the top names in comics to bring you the first ever Matrix graphic novel! And courtesy of the wonderful,wonderful people at Titan Books, you can win your very own copy. Simply answer this question:

In what film is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character called John Matrix?

If that doesn’t float your boat,we’ve

Competition time! Legends of the page!

got another treat for you (hell,it is Christmas!) courtesy of Peter Crowther and PS Publishing. These giants of science fiction and fantasy writing consistently bring us the cream of scary literature,and have generously donated no less than three hardback books. First up is Bibliomacy by Elizabeth Hand,an extraordinary collection of fantasy novellas. We’ve also got Told By The Dead by Ramsay Campbell,which promises to teach us why we should never play

The introduction to Jeanette Winterson's Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit immediately enticed me. Jeanette Winterson is deeply concerned that her books will be accepted on their own merit (of which there is an abundance) and not just glorified media sales (Harry Potter,I despair). As Winterson herself attests,'supermarket bookselling is interested in turnover not culture'. As Roland Barthes insisted upon the death of the author resulting in the birth of the reader,I too believe that we cannot insist on creating celebrity authors. It is against the very nature and experience of writing and reading.

Winterson's books have received some very negative responses and I believe this is primarily based on misreadings of her texts owing to the author’s sexuality. She has been heavily criticised by many leading newspapers for failing to display a positive

heterosexual relationship. Well excuse me,but isn't the entire literary cannon guilty of not portraying successful homosexual relationships? Jeanette Winterson has also been accused of only writing autobiographical fiction simply because she happens to be a lesbian writing about lesbianism. Can the literary world not see its own very blatant prejudices at work here?

Winterson's work is not just lesbian literature. It is outstanding fiction which evokes love and life for what they are. Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit is a novel of outstanding calibre,examining a girl’s coming of age and lesbian discovery. The plot is lucid,original and inspiring. However,Winterson's defining aspect is undoubtedly her use of language. Her vocabulary is extensive, and at times the narrative seems to drift into poetics as she sways from fairy tales to religious discourse to the ancient tales of Arthur. Winterson challenges the formalist way of writing,and

cards with strangers. As if that wasn’t enough. you can also get your mitts on Dear Abbey by Terry Bisson,which treats us to a billion year leap through the ages. All of these are limited edition and signed by the authors. We really do spoil you, kids! All you have to do to receive this enormous booty is answer the following fear-related question: Popular singer Des’ree once confessed that seeing a ghost was the sight that she feared most. But what would she rather do?

Answers via email please! (grbooks@cf.ac.uk)

Oranges may well not be the only fruit,but Jeanette Winterson is the only writer for Louise Lappin

her narrative is infused with divergences and dreams. Indeed,she refuses to conform to linear narrative structures,which results in a highly amusing,intriguing,magical and radiant piece of work.

Winterson's works such as The Passion,Sexing The Cherry and Written On The Body (to mention but a few) show an inherent concern with the politics of gender. The latter presents a genderless narrator who examines the consequences and clichés of love set against the definitive 'truth' of medical discourse. Jeanette Winterson not only marks and exposes what has been written on the body,but also examines how these marks can be re-interpreted, re-written and reread to produce new and innovative writing that challenges social convention.

Indie-cent proposal!

THE GREAT INDIE DISCOGRAPHY

MC Strong Canongate

The definition of what being an ‘indie’ artist actually entails is always a confusing one,so MC Strong helpfully provides us with a brief history of indie music at the start of this book. Puzzlingly,oversized fringes,corduroy

trousers and ironic hair grips all fail to make an appearance in his description of the indie artist. He evidently hasn’t been frittering away his discography millions on the top floor of the Welsh Club recently. More sensibly,he traces the roots of independently released alternative records back to the late sixties,citing the Velvet Underground,Captain Beefheart and MC5 as the godfathers of the genre.

He details every bizarre NME-created indie scene since time began (shoe gazing,C-86,baggy et al) and brings things bang up to date with The Strokes-centred ‘new rock revolution.’

In terms of the actual discographies,comprehensive is not the word. Each band description is complete with star rating for every album,birth dates of the members, exciting bits of trivia and details of name changes and side projects. The book is handily divided into decades,which means that you can revel in the nostalgia of your early 90s youth before seriously educating yourself about 80s noisecore bands or 70s punk.

There’s no way you will ever read this entire book,and the fact that one man has written all of it seems marvellous and that little bit frightening. The Great Indie Discography would work well in conjunction with The Great Rock Discography (by the same author - is there no end to his knowledge?!) and will surely make you into the king of any pub quiz music round.

Maria Thomas

After the roaring success of our HowTo Pull Girls experiment,Books take MC Strong’s hefty tome on the road

Here’s the deal: we confront randompub goers and read out descriptions of indie bands. We time how long it takes them to guess who it is,and they win some hastily purchased confectionery for their troubles. On a chilly Friday night in Cathays,this activity will bring your brave reporters ever closer to answering the eternal and highly important question: ‘Which pub is the most indie?’

The Mackintosh is generally the domain of confused old people and

leery businessmen,so the indie kids are thin on the ground. However,we meet Beth, who guesses Suede in an impressive 14 seconds and wins herself a packet of Fruit-tella. Even quicker off the mark is Audrey,who identifies local heroes Mclusky in an incredible five seconds.

Average = 12 seconds

Next up is The Social,where we meet a plethora of eager participants. Matt manages to guess Manchester indie kings Doves in 7 seconds. Never have we seen a man more excited by a packet of Milk Chews. Disappointingly, Raoul takes one minute and eight seconds to identify Pavement before admitting to being a dirty cheater. Never ones to hold grudges,we give him a Dime Bar and send him on his merry way.

Average = 58 seconds

We decide to conclude the evening in The Woodville. Promisingly,they’re playing The White Stripes as we enter but our optimism proves to be short-

lived as Andy takes over a minute to guess Ed Harcourt. Chris brings the evening to a close with style by identifying student favourites Mercury Rev in 11 seconds.

Average = 57 seconds

Which means that The Mackie takes the prize. Who would’ve thought it? If you want to see floppy fringes, you now know where to go. Your reporters return home,their mission completed,to dream of Rialto until the sun rises anew.

Reviews 48

KYLIE:LA LA LA

William Baker and Kylie Minogue

Hodder and Stoughton

No one,but no one has made better friends with the lens than Kylie: she is one of the most iconic images of recent times. So a book stuffed to the brim with Kylie pics should be magical,then,right? That most of this book is penned by ‘best friend’ William Baker,Kylie’s stylist of nearly ten years,is pretty exciting. Are we finally going to get ourselves some insight into the untouchable entity that is Kylie? Not on your nelly.

THE IMAGE KILLS TRILOGY

Jeremy Seymour Madeline Shaw

William Burroughs’ isolated quote on the back of Porky’s Paradise describes the book as ‘good’: a succinct,if not suspiciously modest,compliment. Burroughs read it in the 1960s. However,the trilogy was not published until this year,by Madeleine Shaw. Shaw’s website reveals that she mostly publishes work by Jeremy Seymour, Anthony Harris (Seymour’s real name), Anthony Barnard Harris,Dr AB Harris and Tony Barnard,thus prompting the suspicion that Shaw’s publishing house consists solely of Maddy and Tony.

Guard. Ariel’s Kind,however,is only good for a channel five soft porn adaptation. Until such a time,it’s probably best to save your hard loaned money for books that reach that old benchmark of publishing sophistication: printing the complete text. God knows what happened to page 91. Eleri Lloyd

THE BUTCHER’S HANDS

Catherine Smith Smith/Doorstop Books

Baker’s introduction is horrible: three pages of self-indulgent pap about his own life,failing to mention Miss Minogue beyond a short description of how he met her,followed by a montage of shots of him hugging her. Maybe he should have cut this bit out, entitled it William: Blah Blah Blah, then given it to his mum for Christmas. As well as lacking flair or imagination,Baker’s writing is chronically naïve. He sees fit to pass comment on popular culture and modern iconography,subjects of which he has no knowledge besides what he can brew up in his greasy little head when a deadline is shoved under his nose.

When he finally does get onto the subject of Kylie,it becomes obvious quickly that the book is not going to offer any kind of insight into the persona of Pop Princess Numero Uno whatsoever,reading as little more than a stretched fact file. He continuously bestows kisses on that pert little rump of Kylie’s: "Kylie is annoyingly good at everything","Kylie is a best friend,confidante and muse","Her presence in my life has shaped my journey to an extent that I cannot put into words". If only,Billy,if only. Kylie’s own contributions are similarly dull,little more than descriptions of events. Sure,the lack of insight may be a deliberate measure to preserve the mystery of the persona,but it makes for head-shakingly boring reading. And the pictures? Well,they’re pictures of Kylie. So they’re intriguing, captivating and aesthetically beautiful. Shouldn’t that have been enough?

Jamie Fullerton

The books are set in 1960s London. Porky’s Paradise charts Porky’s proto-Thatcherite pursuit of wealth,amidst a backdrop of race wars and sexual promiscuity. Ariel’s Kind is supposedly about a world in which only seven people exist,without ideology,politics and ethics. To the untrained eye,however,it resembles girl-on-girl titillation. Apparently,the trilogy was not published in the 60s because it was ‘simply too original and too strong’,and was hampered by the 1959 obscenity act. However, while the books deal with sex,race and violence,they are far from obscene. In fact,when Seymour describes how “the cheap rubber plimsole scraped her playsuit top off and rubbed sorely on her nipples”, the writing resembles mainstream erotica. It’s difficult to believe that The Image Kills was too subversive for publication,while William "she looks up from Johnny’s half-eaten genitals" Burroughs was accepted.

Seymour’s writing is often so inelegant it descends into ugliness. Even his names are ugly. Can you think of an uglier name than Porky Snut? Also, the unrelenting references to whisky and sweat in Porky’s Paradise make for uncomfortable reading. Never before has whisky been so sexualised: “she is sucking a whiskey bottle. As she sobs,she sucks out another mouthful,then cradles the warmed shaft between her breasts.”

In Ariel’s Kind it’s shoe horns which are sexualised,and that’s some feet... (Oh come on,I didn’t say anything about being horny.)

The story of Porky’s Paradise, while not excellent,is ‘good’. However,since the book mainly comprises of dialogue and action,it would work better as a film; a low budget Brit-flick,funded purely by sponsorship from Jack Daniels and Right

This is the first collection of Catherine Smith’s work since 2001’s critically acclaimed The New Bride. From the outset it is perhaps too easy to compare Smith’s work with that of Sylvia Plath. There are certainly some similarities with themes of the problems of child bearing and a hard-hitting and sometimes shocking tone.

But that is about as far as the comparison goes because Smith is a really adept poet in her own right. Where Plath had certain nihilistic qualities in her work,Smith has more of a sense of the absurd and humour. Take Hen Night for example,a tale of a dissatisfied bride to be who embarks on a night on the town. The opening line“By her fifth Bacardi breezer she’s sweating cobs/ Her L plates have come askew and her make up’s gothic” is so true to life that it makes you inwardly smile. Even Vigil,a poem about an old couple’s halcyon days being well behind them which should by all accounts be thoroughly depressing,is incredibly life-affirming. And the mother’s frustration in Detritus at cleaning up her son’s room is completely compelling and gives a true insight to human nature. However there are times when Smith’s work can be a little inconsistent and sometimes a bit bland. Breathe is just poetry by numbers and Fellatio is nothing more than Carry On-style innuendo.

Hiccups aside, The Butcher’s Hands is a book that has a magical quality about it. If you’re on the brink of despondency this will give you a wry smile and a spring in your step. Who knows,in a few more years Smith could go from poetry recitals to one of the nation’s most revered contemporary poets. Ben Wright

Top of the clocks!

Roger Lewis

Faber & Faber

The relationship between biographer and subject is a difficult one,often fraught with problems of representation,interpretation and objectivity. However,in this biography of the life and works of Anthony Burgess,Roger Lewis takes things to a whole new level of peculiarity. The moment we read his first description of Burgess appearing “like he was coming out of a hell-mouth in a Faust play”,we know we’re not in The People’s Princess territory here. Orson Welles claimed that the most interesting biography is ‘one in which the biographer is present’,so faster than you can say Adaptation,we get a book about writing a book about Anthony Burgess.

tence of objectivity. It is worth buying the book simply for his hilarious and incredibly mean portraits of Burgess’s physical appearance,as well as the brilliantly lyrical descriptions of Burgess’ childhood phantasms. The life Lewis shares with us is an intriguing yet frightening one filled with spousal alcoholism,bitterness and sexual abhorrence. Not to mention absurdly excessive consumption of tea bags (six to a cup - for goodness’ sake!). He constructs a portrait of Burgess as a pathological liar,and a gratuitously self-mythologising man obsessed by language and bad reviews. At one point,Lewis goes as far as suggesting that his subject has Reactive Detachment Disorder,resulting in an inability to form human relationships. However,this old fashioned man who “never quite got the hang of young people” also appears fiercely intelligent,articulate and often amusing. Or,as Lewis brilliantly understates matters,“what a lot was going on inside Burgess’s head.”

that only makes sense in his fevered,Burgess-over-saturated mind. This lack of traditional narrative structure probably stems from the fact that Lewis insightfully links Burgess’s life to his work at every turn,meaning that he often gets sidetracked. Thus we are engaged in protracted intellectual debate over subjects as kaleidoscopic as Catholicism,incest,espionage (Anthony is commonly confused with the spy Guy Burgess),literary representation of infant death and cannibalism. There is a supporting cast of characters as diverse as Shakespeare,Moses,Orwell,Freud and Jesus.

Despite the detailed and energetic prose that characterises the book, Anthony Burgess can be incredibly dense and difficult to plough through at times. Lewis’s obsessive attention to the minutiae of Burgess’ life and character means that the footnotes are longer than the actual text on many pages,so the writing does not flow as freely as it could. Indeed, Lewis is so spectacularly pedantic that he corrects Burgess for mistakes that appear in his own autobiography. The reader is treated to more trivia than even the greatest Burgess aficionado would know what to do with. You can’t help but think that Lewis might be settling some long-standing vendetta in telling us: “Fact: as a boy, Anthony Burgess used to masturbate over the etchings of servant girls and semi-draped tribes-persons in the bible.”

This is certainly no bad thing. Lewis is ‘present’ to the extent that the story of Burgess’ life often plays second fiddle to the authors’ tale of passion,obsession and near-stalkerdom. There is little doubt that years of tracking Anthony Burgess have taken their psychological toll on Lewis. Torn between admiring and hating his subject,there is an incredibly tender moment when Lewis is talking about the homogeneous nature of Burgess’s writing: “To read one’s way through all of Burgess’s work (and who has done that,except me?) is to make a startling discovery. It is all the same.”

This lifelong obsession means that Lewis does not even make any pre-

The book’s structure is undeniably unorthodox,as Lewis switches between subjects like an excitable child unable to finish a sentence. The writer is obviously following some sort of plan,but maybe one

Pre-pubescent sexual revelations aside, Anthony Burgess is an insightful,energetic and fascinating book. Frightening and compelling in equal measures,it breathes life into a genre often plagued by sycophancy and cliché with an intelligence not witnessed since Julian Barnes’s Flaubert’s Parrot. Maria Thomas

ANTHONY BURGESS

50 Going out

Christmas is coming so it’s time to head out for some festive fun! Forget the diet and coursework for a minute as you indulge in Going Out...

THE TOUCAN

St Mary Street

If you stumbled into The Toucan while on a drunken bar crawl you may be fooled into thinking it’s a small bar with not much going on. You’d be mistaken! The modest pub area downstairs is laid back and relaxed but upstairs you’ll find a big event room,with a stage and another bar. The club prides its self on being one of the last live music clubs in Cardiff, where you’ll find a range of new and up-and-coming talent. It’s been quoted as being “independent and award winning”.

As we near Christmas expect more established bands; for full details visit their website at www.toucanclub.co.uk. Drinks were reasonable with plenty of student offers,especially if you get hold of a student pass. Pints are from £1.50,£1 shots and house doubles £3. Remember your NUS card though. Worth a mention is the fact that during the day the downstairs area is a café bar,so you can pop in for a coffee and cake,taking that well-earned break from all your Christmas shopping! Katy Davies

OLD ORLEANS

18-19 Church Street

Located in the centre of Cardiff,Old Orleans offers something for everyone,whether looking for food for the family,a good time with friends or a romantic meal for two. Boasting a variety of dishes with an authentic range of flavours to tantalise your taste buds,you really won’t be disappointed.

Old Orleans has a real American feel about it,enhanced by the bright décor and a free plate of salty popcorn given to you on arrival. Service is friendly and relatively fast and whilst prices aren’t initially centred around a typical student budget,they do offer a generous 20% discount for students on production of an NUS card or Snapfax (when purchasing at least two courses). If celebrating a birthday then each member of the

party gets 25% off their total bill. A little tip though,discounts include drinks purchased,so make sure you order them from the waitress rather than at the bar.

Portions are a good size and a three-course meal is about £18. Drinks are cheapest Monday to Friday between 3-7pm,when cocktails are only £2.45; also,if you buy two large glasses of house wine,you’ll receive the rest of the bottle free! They also offer a lunchtime meal deal,Monday to Friday before 6pm,whereby you can choose a starter and a main meal for just £6.

Old Orleans offers good food,a friendly and relaxed atmosphere with a good discount for students. Book now for your Christmas “Feisty Festive Feast” (three courses for £18.50) and I’m sure you won’t be disappointed. Enjoy! Emily Bakker

THE PEN AND WIG

If,when you said goodbye to the original design of the Taf,you were sad,distraught and even hysterical, then we have a replacement. If you love the olde worlde style and the ease and comfort of traditional wooden furniture,then the Pen and Wig is the place for you. Hidden behind Incognito’s,it boasts a charm that any student would fall for.

With comfortable sofas,a beer garden and friendly staff,it is the perfect place for a quick drink after a long day of lectures. In the day you can have a bite to eat from the very tempting menu,and in the night it’s a great stop on your way into town.

Happy hour is from 8pm until closing time,with various beers starting at a mere £1.50,a “make it a double for just £1 extra” offer,and bar snacks at only £1.50 each. It’ll make for a cheap night and a change from the generic modern styles that many pubs in Cardiff are now adopting.

Lisa Walkley

As always if there are any favourite pubs, clubs or restaurants you think we should all know about, feel free to send us your suggestions and reviews! Email: grmagazine@cf.ac.uk After Xmas... we review Las Iguanas. Meanwhile, HAPPY XMAS from the Going Out team!

Park Grove

Photo: Katy Davies

Respect in retrospect

PUBLIC ENEMY

It Takes ANation Of Millions To Hold Us Back (1988) Def Jam

A live sample from - of courseBrixton: “London,England,consider yourselves… warned!” And with that,we are catapulted into something virtually unlistenable.

Bring The Noise does just that, laying down the template for everything which is to come: guitar loops, sirens,screeches,samples and beats,all masterminded by ‘assault technician’ Terminator X. Public Enemy’s approach to recording was to hurl found sounds together until they created something resembling a groove. What is apparent,though, is that their ‘groove’ has more to do with soundtracking riots,as opposed to providing danceable beats.

BOMB CULTURE APOCALYPSE NOW

Jeff Nuttall (1968) Paladin

Dir:Francis Ford Coppola (1979)

Forget your ‘bling’ - Chuck D’s lyrics are vengeful black politics. Derived from Gil Scott-Heron,this is not ‘whitey got me down’, but ‘whitey, you better run and hide!’ It’s not surprising that there was a semi-serious campaign pushing ‘Chuck D for President’.

One can only imagine this happening; with Flavour Flav - court jester to Chuck’s king - in tow,it would probably feel like Armageddon kicking your door down.

Meanwhile, She Watch Channel Zero?! - resplendent with a searing guitar riff - propounds education over ignorance,while Night Of The Living Baseheads is the White Lines for the 80s: a fierce anti-drug declamation and the song which persuaded Jay-Z to stop selling drugs and become a rapper.

Public Enemy refined their sound with more funk and density on their next album, Fear Of A Black Planet . However, It Takes ANation Of Millions To Hold Us Back is where it all started: they were a ‘public enemy’ because they broke all the rules and said it loud - they were black and they were angry. Don’t Believe The Hype ? You’d better believe this. Jason Draper

"I am completing this in November, 1967. Before it reaches print it will be out of date…" So ends Bomb Culture,a snapshot of the underground, revealing the desperate confusion of its post-war genesis. Nuttall,a poet,teacher,and jazz musician (a sort of evil George Melly),talks us through the birth of ‘popular culture’ and its subsequent transformations in late 50s-60s British society,all through the eyes of a man disaffected by the endless lies of ‘the West’,‘the East’ and everyone else. The everpresent threat of nuclear annihilation pervades every sentence of this book, a symbol of both hope and mistrust, but ultimately a recognition of the wrongs of society.

But hey - 1967. What’s relevant about that? After all,the Cold War is over,and we have a postmodern society where all opinions can be voiced… don’t we? Fact is,the anxiety of Bomb Culture,despite being from another culture and another time,still hangs over us,but in a different guise. The world is fucked,and what are we going to do about it? Well,Jeff has some ideas,mainly involving ‘happenings’ and magazines,but his narrative is haunted by an ever-growing feeling of impotence - born in 1933, he just feels too old for this sort of malarkey,yet a revolutionary rage informs every sentence of this wonderful book. Part history,part biography,part manifesto; Bomb Culture is essential reading for anyone interested in the oft-neglected British counterculture,or dissatisfied with society as a whole. DCGates

Based on Joseph Conrad’s book Heart Of Darkness but relocated to the madness of the Vietnam War, Apocalypse Now follows the story of Captain Willard (Martin Sheen) as he attempts to track down and "terminate with extreme prejudice" the mysterious General Kurtz (Marlon Brando). Kurtz, it seems,has gone a bit bonkers and has starting acting on his own orders with the help of his own private army. Willard hitches a lift up the Mei-Kong Delta on small boat with a misfit crew containing a professional surfer,a chef and a 14-year-old Lawrence Fishburne. During the search for Kurtz they encounter the enigmatic Lt Col Kilgore (Robert Duvall),take part in a helicopter attack to the strains of Wagner’s Ride Of The Valkyries and come across (ahem) some of Playboy’s finest.

The film’s production was nearly as catastrophic as ’Nam itself. Harvey Keitel was originally cast as Willard but was fired several weeks after shooting had begun. His replacement, Martin Sheen,had a heart attack due to the film’s punishing schedule,while several other members of the cast were using LSD,speed and marijuana. Typhoons demolished sets,the film went ridiculously over budget causing Coppola to dip into his own pocket to the tune of several million and a six week shoot ended up taking 16 months. Coppola even threatened suicide several times.

War is hell,and Coppola pulls no punches in showing us just that. The film is undeniably dark in its content, but retains just enough humour with characters like the surfing obsessed Kilgore ("I love the smell of napalm in the morning") to make it a thoroughly enjoyable and essential experience. From the opening sequence of the aerial bombardment of a Vietnamese village played out to The Door’s The End to Willard’s showdown with Kurtz, the film is a masterpiece of modern cinema. The only word that that comes mind to describe this film for the uninitiated is ‘epic’. Jimmy Rizzla

Postcards from France

By Andrew Davidson,Grenoble

Any fool knows that France’s public transport is streets ahead of the British. In response it is often claimed that this is because French geography dictates a need for such trans- port networks.

That’s utter nonsense. The real reason why the French don’t wait for hours on Voie no 1 for the 17:52 à Lyon is because France,was formerly if less so currently,run as a country with the inter- ests of the citizens held above those of liberal eco- nomics. Secondly,the French have realised that unless we stop driving our cars we’ll be slapping on the sunscreen in mid-winter,and that wont be so great.

Thus,les Grenoblois efficiently get to and from work on huge buses powered by natural gas and even bigger quicker-than-driving urban trams,or they walk. City-dwellers breathe fresher air and get to work quicker thereby reducing their impact on local, national and international pollution. This kick-ass way of getting from A to B,and then on to C,has a further implication,though. It’s a

Postcards from Sicily

By Sarah Cummins,Catania

Having survived the flooded kitchen I managed to get food poisoning. Perhaps it was the excessive amount of olive oil used by my flatmates or the protein overload from eating meat again for the first time after four years,but I spent five days shut away in my room unable to eat and too weak to even go downstairs.

Upon feeling human again I was up for some action. So,Harnoop and I signed up for the ‘Mount Etna festa’ - we were told simply to meet in a Piazza and transport would be arranged.

On arrival,soaked through due to heavy downpours,the organiser ushered us into one of the awaiting cars. Forty-five minutes late,the Spanish Erasmus students finally arrived and we were ready to party.

A further hour later it became apparent that the ten-car transit was very lost on Mt Etna. Fortunately,all the drivers had mastered threepoint turns after the first five!

Finally,lit candles lead us to a house halfway up Mt Etna; here in Sicily you can hire out empty houses for house parties.

covert strategy of social inclusion: you don’t need a car or petrol money to get to wherever you want to go. Thus old and young,able-bodied and handicapped,rich and poor all ride the same buses. Fares are reason- able and rationally calculated,and wheelchair ramps and low entrances and exits are provided everywhere.

The length of British hospital waiting lists mean that many British pensioners wouldn’t get up the steps of a bus in Cardiff, but they’d dance their way on to a cruisinglowGrenoblese bus. But not that they’d come here to try it, though,what with France being a lefty-liberalsofty hell of a place rammed full of Africans.

So,after a half-hour journey that took us two hours we were rewarded with as much sangria as we could drink. And drink we did.

Lesson No 2: Remember cameras are present at parties!

Postcards from Cardiff (to Switzerland)

By Florina Schwander

Asso many of you,my dear friends back home, have made the same corny remark when I announced my plans to do my semester abroad in Cardiff,I shall pick up this kitschy theme for my second postcard to you: the well reported British friendliness.

I should have counted the number of you who said something along the lines,"oh cool,so you’re going to that place where people excuse them- selves for having unfortunately put their foot in such a position where you just had to stamp upon.” Rrrright. From earlier trips to the UK I had already experienced that thing called the English niceness. A few years ago,I left an officer at Heathrow cus- toms in a very perplexed state as I had actually answered his "hihowdoyoudo" with an enthusiastic "great,thank you,what about yourself?"

Apparently,he was not particularly interested in my personal state of feelings,but kept asking the same question to every one else after me,too. My poor mother had a hard time too; it was actually friendly to ask how I was,but I could not quite see the politeness in then not answering my enquiry.

Several of my always-up-for-an-answer friends have,of course,come up with an explanation of this supposed friendliness. When I tell those who have

Postcards

come over for a visit how,for example,the bus driv- ers around here are very helpful and mostly greet you with a good humoured "hi love",they tell me that these drivers better had to; what with Cardiff buses never,ever running on time (argh) and that exact fare Someonenightmare. else also instructed me that it was self- evident the English had to be so overly friendly in order to make it up to everyone they might have potentially mistreated during last evening’s drunk- en haze. I always respond to all this with my tradi- tional story - that yes,dear friends,you might all be right with what you said,but it might just be super- ficial friendliness for shallow reasons.

But,and here comes my corny story,you know that whenever I go to Zurich,I am in the darkest of moods after just 30 minutes in that beautiful city. Whereas people here would let you get off public transport,in Zurich I have to fight my way out of the S-Bahn. Whenever I go shopping,I have to acknowl- edge again and again,that the simple law of giving way around a pile of clothes does not apply to Zurich’s H&M. On buses,instead of ‘SORRY NOT IN SERVICE’,it says ‘GARAGE’. I still think Zurich is a beautiful city but its lifestyle (which can be found all over Switzerland,I confess) clearly is not! And finally,I have to admit that although I love the Bernese "Grüessech" or a trendy "tchôôô" in Lausanne,there’s nothing against a "hi love" - for whatever reasons that pecu- liar friendliness came about.

“He talks a good game”

Hail England’s conquering heroes

Sports writer of the year Riath AlSamarrai needs a hero

Abeautifully smooth swing of his Adidas clad right foot,and then the world ground to a halt. Watches stopped ticking, hearts did not beat,and even the pessimists couldn’t whinge,as Jonny Wilkinson’s World Cup winning drop-goal lingered between the posts and preserved the last moment of mortality for the darling of English rugby.

When the ball returned to earth, Wilkinson’s profile sky-rocketed and justly earned England’s all-time top scorer a place in the frequently abused realm of the sporting hero - a distinction all too regularly allocated to any celebrated match winner.

At some stage every player,competitor or journeyman has had their five minutes of fame - Emile Heskey,look away now - when momentary irrationality in the wake of victory clouds sensible judgement.

But to bestow an accolade tantamount to the George Cross on to any Division Two striker netting a last minute equaliser is ludicrous.

Recognition of elitism should be based on inspiring performances delivered game in and game out by proven stars of the sport,not media pin-ups heralded for one moment of success.

Justifiably,England’s tactical mastermind Clive Woodward will feel the touch of the Queen’s steel blade on his modest shoulders when the honours list is delivered after Christmas.

And likewise inspirational captain Martin Johnson deserves his place in history next to the likes of Bobby Moore,for his part in Britain’s finest sporting moment ever experienced on foreign soil.

But on a rare occasion where the bible can be quoted in the context of sport - "do not worship false idols"the almighty points an incriminating finger at many of the so-called stars enjoying a heightened celebrity extending far beyond their talents or achievements.

Michael Owen,come on down. When we study the scrap book of his career

and skip the St Etienne chapter with that notorious Argentine "wonderstrike" glamorising his indifferent appearance at France ’98,what we have is just another prodigy failing to deliver anything close to the astronomical expectations imparted upon his young shoulders.

Heroes are born through consistent, spectacular performances and successes. They embody the more glamorous half of the win-loss cycle and over the course of a career set standards for future generations,not just deliver a single instant of inspiration.

“To bestow an accolade tantamount to the George Cross on to any Division Two striker netting a last minute equaliser is ludicrous”

When Pete Sampras appeared at the 2002 US Open final,the most successful male tennis player ever demonstrated why he has earned his place in the record books.

Booed and jeered throughout the tournament while labelled "past his sell-by-date" by critics and colleagues alike,the true champion came out and demolished home favourite Andre Agassi to claim his fourteenth Grand Slam championship.

Among those writing him off,Greg Rusedski branded the four time champion of Flushing Meadow an "embarrassment" and hinted the American star did not have much time before his glitzy career was finally over.

Ironic,perhaps,coming from a ‘hero’ who has enjoyed much of his career outside the world’s top 20,and lives off the endorsements born from being one of the few British players to progress beyond the third round at Wimbledon.

Hardly the criteria necessary to be

regarded a sporting legend,it certainly doesn’t privilege him to condemn Pistol Pete.

In Britain the tendency is to destroy the reputations of those who succeed, most of whom reside away from these condescending shores,while creating personalities for those who persistently appear on the lower levels of the rostrum.

Michael Schumacher is despised with a passion; the German winner of six world titles fades in comparison to Scotland’s David Coulthard,who has barely accumulated as many victories in a career spanning a decade.

Similarly,Lleyton Hewitt is deemed both aggressive and arrogant - heaven forbid for a man with Grand Slam titles under his belt - while we sing the praises of our golden boy Rusedski,not to mention the perennially title-dodging Tim Henman.

But now Britain has a true set of champions to be proud of,replacing a group of pretenders acting the role of ‘unlucky losers’,unworthy of the generous praise aimed at them.

Wilkinson should enjoy his moment in the spotlight,because unlike many in his esteemed company,he has earned it.

The moment Wilkinson’s life changed

death to everyone!

Right,so this is being written and set a week before normal,as I am visiting the sick and needy with Princess Di and Mother Teresa,so please forgive the lack of topicality. I did consider making eerie predictions but thought against it in case any of them came true. (Unlikely,I know,but that sort of publicity is never a good thing.) By the time you read this,that revolting buffoon of a US President will have left these shores for some time,and the whole sickening fiasco of his visit already mulled over many times. More people will have died in Iraq (and Afghanistan,and the Gaza Strip,and everywhere else for that matter). And still that shit-eating grin shines on his face,suffused with the idiot smugness of absolute unquestioning religious conviction…

On a lighter note,at least you’ll have a brand new copy of Quench in your hands. Oh joy. Bet you’re glad about that,aren’t you? We got some more ‘jokes’ about the British Library,some more controversial (oo-er) opinions, and more corporate fellatio coming rrright up! However,it remains that gair rhydd is one of the best (in fact, on a good week,the best) student newspapers in Britain – even if this includes the frequent lapses into

awfulness that have characterised us of late. And thankfully,unlike most daily papers,we are not bound to a proprietor with political ambitions,so we can get away with murder – literally,and several times so,in a few cases. However,next time you have a problem with our content or (heaven forfend!) our language,please write to us with positive suggestions/criticism, rather than holding up SUC meetings over the use of the word ‘cunt’ in the television listings. Christ,this is reading like the obligatory apologetic editorial,as used by every gair rhydd editor of living memory. Sorry.

If,as seems likely,the Prince of Wales is to be outed,in a scandal “set to rock the entire royal family” (©News International),is it not possible that this might be beneficial to that bunch of loathsome parasites? As if being ruled by a family of superrich hillbillies wasn’t enough (I am talking about Britain,not America by the way),the added frisson of yet another gender-bending sex scandal just appeals to the Eurotrash tendencies of their dubious appeal. Lord knows,but the House of Saxe-Coburg Gotha - sorry, Windsor - could survive as a kind of billionaire Vegas act. Observe the two young princes,for example. Back in the day,their dear

uncle would have imprisoned them in the Tower before having them strangled and walled up. Nowadays,in these more caring times,Prince William (not ‘Wills’,you fucking morons)is being groomed for the JFK Jr role,whilst Harry is all set for Prince Philip via George IV – just look at the hateful little cocksucker,ripped to the royal ruddy tits on ‘ale’. Doesn’t really look like either of his parents,does he? If only they would go the way of the Balinese royals and blow each other’s brains out with semi-automatic weapons. We can but hope,eh?

On a lighter note: don’t be fooled by anyone telling you that bar work is fun,or that you will get good tips. It isn’t,and you won’t. I have given bar work two years of my life and believe me,the bad has outweighed the good many times over. Fair enough,it’s better than working in a call centre,but only insofar as being shot by firing squad is better than being torn apart by wild horses. Melodramatic,I know, but this job is killing me.

So: griping over - let’s have some FUN! C’mon! After all,this is the last Quench before XXXmas! OK then, let’s not have fun. Suits me. Have a good ‘un,my friends.

Your Horoscopes with Madame Cynthia

Sagittarius

(Nov 23 - Dec 21) It’s often said that where there’s muck,there’s brass. After starting your new job at the sewage works, you will soon learn to hate the people that say this.

Capricorn

(Dec 22 - Jan 20) Wednesday sees you finally realise that you will be alone for the rest of your life and that alcohol and drugs are the only balm for this unending pain. That’s next Wednesday,by the way; this week should be pretty good.

Aquarius

(Jan 21 - Feb 18) New developments in domestic situations will arise when a wise old man tells you that one of your housemates is a robot. Let’s see what Danielle,John and Davtron 4000 have to say about that,eh?

Pisces

(Feb19 - Mar 20) Of course,not all of us are able to rotate the head 360 degrees. You will be blessed with this new skill after a humorous car incident. Well, you’ll find it funny after a few years.

Aries

(Mar 21 - Apr 20) Turn others’ tragedy into cash,cash cash by combining your interest

in petty crime with meeting new people,especially those weaker or more disheartened than you.

Taurus

(Apr 21 - May 21) Be careful! That tasty,creamy milk in the fridge is no friend of yours. In just over a week’s time it will have turned into a stinking,fetid jism,as unappealing to the palate as to the nostrils.

Gemini

(May 22 - June 22) Your ruler,Mars,exercises his influence on you in three days’ time, when you feel an uncontrollable urge to go down the shop and buy twenty Superkings and eight Boom.

Cancer

(June 22 - July 22) Your life will be changed forever when pictures of you and the late Queen Mother ‘romping’ together are leaked to the press. You really should have sent that film to be developed, you know.

Leo

(July 23 - Aug 23) Don’t take this the wrong way,but I don’t fancy yours much. I’m sure he’s very kind and lovely person and all that,but he ought to wear a sign reading “feed this end” round his neck. He makes Quasimodo look like

Gallo,for fuck’s sake.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 22) Yes sir,I can boogie. You,however,cannot,and should not at any point attempt to do so.

Libra

(Sep 23 - Oct 22) Dame Fortune (aka Aunt Bessie) takes you to her mother hen-like bosom this week. You will have love and luck for the rest of your life - all three months of it.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) YOU! FAT! BASTARD! YOU! FAT! BASTARD! No,not you; him over there,yes,there. YOU! FAT! BASTARD! YOU! FAT! BASTARD!

Madame Cynthia wishes you a lovely Christmas,and hopes you all get lots of presents.I wish I got presents (sniff). DC Gates’house at Christmas: where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears...

...and a happy new year for all our readers!

Vincent