gair rhydd - Issue 703

Free Word 703

gairrhydd Cardiff’s Student Weekly

WAR OF WORDS

Monday 29 October 2001

SHED HEAVEN

FEATURES tell us what Sesame Street and King Kong have to do with propaganda

MUSIC go for gold and review the indie chancers in the Great Hall

BEST CAMPAIGNING NEWSPAPER IN THE GUARDIAN STUDENT MEDIA AWARDS

Students warned to be vigilant after girl is seriously sexually assaulted after leaving Jive Hive

by James Bladon A THIRD year student at Cardiff University is recovering after enduring a serious sexual assault just yards from the Students Union last week.

The 21-year-old female student was attacked in the early hours of Thursday morning, shortly after leaving Jive Hive.

Unbelievably, the attack took place in the wooded area adjacent to the Main Building, just yards from the busy Park Place.

The attack is believed to have been perpetrated by a man who had also been in Solus that night.

Police are trying to trace a 19-year-old white male in connection with the incident.

He is described as being of a stocky build with blond

spikey hair.

He was wearing a blue shirt and cream trousers on the night of the incident.

Cardiff Union President Tom McGarry said of the attack, ‘The University is deeply shocked by the incident and our thoughts are with the victim and her family.’

The assault took place sometime between the Union closing at 1am and 1.45am on Thursday morning. The female student later returned to Talybont, where she reported the attack to campus security guards.

University Security Operations Manager, Tony Oliver said, ‘We were first made aware of the alleged incident when the girl came to the security office at Talybont at around 2.25am on Thursday morning’.

He continued ‘We

Safety Advice In the wake of last week’s attack, Cardiff University Security Centre, along with South Wales Police have released the following advice to help students stay safe.

• Even if you don’t feel confident – look confident.

Research shows that body language has an effect on your chances of being a victim of an attack.

• Unless unavoidable, never walk home alone at night • Keep to well lit busy roads, never take risky short cuts just to save time.

• If the street is deserted, walk down the middle of the

immediately informed the police and are helping them with enquires.’

The attack comes at a time when crimes against students appear to be on the increase, as gair rhydd has reported on three violent crimes against students in as many weeks.

The University is urging all students, particularly women, to take extra safety precautions in light of recent events.

The Solus nightclub has several CCTV cameras that may have captured vital evidence to help police in identifying suspects in connection with the attack.

South Wales Police have appealed for anyone who may have information about the attack to contact them on (029) 2022 2111.

All information will be treated with the strictest confidence.

PIC: Mike Parsons

Student raped within sight of Union building

SCENE OF ATTACK: The area adjacent to the Main Building on Park Place, where the attack is alleged to have taken place. The road is busy both night and day, with the Union Building in view in the background.

road.

• Always face on coming traffic in order to avoid ‘kerb crawlers.’

• If you believe you are being followed, cross the road and keep walking. If necessary head for a lighted house and seek assistance.

• Never be tempted to hitch or take a lift from a stranger or someone you don’t entirely trust.

• Don’t carry more money than you really need.

• Cover up jewellery and tuck in the ends of scarves to avoid having them grabbed from behind.

• Don’t listen to a personal stereo whilst walking, it may prevent you hearing an attacker approaching.

• Carry a personal attack alarm in your hand when you feel particularly vulnerable, the noise is often enough to

frighten off attackers.

•If you are out late, get a taxi or a lift home and ask the

driver to wait until you are inside your house.

• Make use of the free buses running from the Union to the halls of residence.

• If you are carrying a bag, carry it close to you and fastened. If someone tries to grab it, let it go to avoid being hurt.

• Keep house keys in pockets, rather than in your bag.

Useful phone numbers Cardiff University 24 hr Security Rape and Sexual Abuse Line Nightline Student Advisory Service

NEW STUDENT LOAN SYSTEM WILL INCREASE DEBTS : SEE PAGE 3

2087 4444 2037 3181 2038 2141 2087 4844

Briefly...

SUC back in business ELECTIONS ARE finally over for the governing body of the Union, the Students Union Council.

There are now around 70 students sitting for the SUC all of whom have been elected from departments, halls and campaigns across the university.

The Council is elected yearly and is responsible for making important decisions concerning the student body. In the past few years SUC has voted on such important matters as banning Nestle from the union and introducing the bilingual policy into the union.

Union General Secretary James Sommerville said, ‘SUC is there to represent you. If anyone feels strongly about any issue in the union then e-mail sommervillej@cardiff.ac.uk.’. or come to SUC as an observer – you can’t vote but you can speak – fortnightly on Mondays from 6.30pm in the Council Room, starting tonight.

Nus winter council VOTES FOR Cardiff university’s NUS Wales representatives will take place in the union this Monday.

The 4 elected delegates will represent the university in the NUS Winter Council which is being held on 11th November 2001 at Bangor University.

Voting will be in the Union, and the candidates will be in the Seren Las at lunchtime answer your questions.

Gene-uine award A CARDIFF University professor has received a Lasker Award for his revolutionary research in human health.

Professor Martin Evans FRS, Director of the School of Biosciences, was awarded the prize for his research into human genetic disorders.

His research will have a major impact on human conditions and diseases. as cancer and human genetic disorder.

gairrhydd Address: Gair Rhydd University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone: Editorial – (029) 2078 1434/436 Advertising – (029) 2078 1416 E-mail: ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors: Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Monday 29 October 2001, gairrhydd

Class C for cannabis

By Jane Evans THE CONTROVERSIAL decision announced by Home secretary, David Blunkett, to downgrade Cannabis to a class C drug has been welcomed by Cardiff Labour MP Jon Owen Jones.

Mr. Jones, whose bill to legalise cannabis came before the House of Commons last week, praised the Home Secretary’s decision to implement a more rational and practical approach to the drug He said, ‘This is the first step towards a sensible drug policy as well as an acknowledgement that the present policies are not working.

Harsh criminal penalties are not the way to deal with cannabis use’.

Former Welsh health minister Mr. Jones also commended plans to

license the medical use of the drug to treat MS and other illnesses.

The Cardiff MP went so far as to say that the modified law ‘essentially decriminalises cannabis use and possession’.

However, the Home Secretary, David Blunkett, stressed that the use of cannabis will remain a criminal offence.

The new law will clarify the difference between cannabis and class A drugs like cocaine and heroin, but still convey to the public the message that all drugs are harmful.

The decision will put cannabis in the same class as anti-depressants and slimming pills. Under new laws, possession of the drug would be likely to lead to a caution, or at most, a fine.

By Spring next year, police will lose the power to arrest for

possession of cannabis.

Campaigners for the legislation of cannabis believe there is a danger of these changes working in favour of dealers. Mr. Jones is concerned about the implications of supply remaining ‘in the hand of criminal gangs’.

Cannabis remains the most widely used illegal drug in the country with 45 per cent of young people having tried the drug.

The debate over the drug will continue despite changes in government policy, which suggest a move towards its decriminalisation.

PIC: Mike Parsons

2 ● News

DOPE: Hundreds welcome the new law

Labour ignores student housing Government goes back on promise of standards to regulate student housing

by Mark Cobley Despite manifesto promises, a paper released by the government regarding a licensing scheme for landlords in the private sector will not affect student accommodation.

The scheme aims to ‘ensure that landlords meet minimum management standards, and excludes unscrupulous landlords’ by insisting on certain standards and safety requirements.

However, it will only affect areas of ‘low housing demand’, a term unlikely to be applied to student housing.

The paper detailing the scheme, is intended to complement another proposal for regulation of high-risk ‘Houses of Multiple Occupation’ (HMOs).

The government claims the two will work in tandem to protect law-abiding tenants and honest landlords.

Local authorities will have discretionary powers to license landlords only in these areas as they are seen as more likely to suffer from the problems of antisocial tenants and unscrupulous landlords.

Cardiff County Council would be responsible for deciding which areas fit this bill, but, because of the high number of students demanding housing in Cardiff, it is unlikely that any areas of student accommodation could be described as ‘low demand.’

Jenny Randerson, Welsh Liberal

Democrat AM for Cardiff Central, initially welcomed the proposal until this development occurred.

She then described it as a ‘ g r a v e disappointment’.

She said, ‘New Labour made a manifesto commitment in the 1997 Election to STUDENT HOUSING: Overlooked by the government introduce this legislation, and since then it has done nothing...Cardiff badly needs a scheme that tackles this problem. The licensing of landlords is an issue for everybody, both those living in rented houses and those living in areas with a high concentration of rented properties. New Labour has let us down.’

Liberal Democrats on the County Simbec Research Ltd is currently Council and in the Assembly are working seeking volunteers to participate in a towards a limited local licensing scheme.

Student accommodation will be included short research project to evaluate a in this scheme, but it is only on a voluntary new treatment for asthma sufferers. basis as the Council and Assembly have insufficient power to force landlords to join.

Asthmatic?

Honours for law school

by Kathryn Burden CARDIFF LAW School is now one of the top three providers of training for solicitors in England and Wales.

After only eight years of providing the Legal Practice Course, the postgraduate vocational course for future solicitors, Cardiff Law School has been rated as ‘excellent’ on three separate occasions.

Ian Brookfield, head of the Law School’s Centre for Professional Legal Studies said, ‘It is a credit to our staff that from the outset we have consistently met high standards of course provision.’

Law has been taught at Cardiff University

since 1911 and in its report, the Law Society said, ‘Cardiff Law School has a lengthy and distinguished history of teaching law at undergraduate and postgraduate levels.’

Head of Cardiff Law School, Professor Andrew Grubb said, ‘This is exciting news for our students and staff.’

He continued, ‘The rating reflects the exceptionally high standards of teaching, facilities and support for students, and confirms the Cardiff course is amongst the very best available anywhere.’

Only three of the 27 facilities across England and Wales offering the Legal Practice course have been awarded the ‘excellent’ grade by the Law Society.

Study participants will receive an inconvenience payment.

If you suffer from asthma and would like more information about this study (without obligation) please contact the Recruitment Team on:

FREEPHONE 0800 69 1995 Email gareth.marshall@simbec.co.uk www.simbec.co.uk

MERTHYR TYDFIL SOUTH WALES

News ● 3

gairrhydd, Monday 29 October 2001

Loans reform to bring further debt trouble THE CHEAP student loan system may be abolished under new government reforms leaving undergraduate students in even greater financial difficulty.

The scheme, which is currently being backed by Downing Street and the Treasury, would scrap the current interest free student loans forcing students to borrow money at commercial rates.

Under the new reforms a grant system would be re-introduced which would be means-tested on parental income.

Students whose parents earn less than £10,000 would be entitled to

the maximum grant of £2,600–£2,700 and some students would receive a reduced grant.

Many, however, would receive nothing at all.

Students would be further financially disabled by the government plans to introduce an income based graduate tax which all students would be liable to pay for 25 years after graduation.

Tuition fees would be abolished under the new reforms but far fewer students would be entitled to government grants than are currently exempt from paying fees.

The Department for Education and skills have criticised the new scheme believing it will open the

way for traditional, popular universities to impose top-up fees on students to gain extra funding. They are pushing instead for the introduction of a maintenance grant for all students of around £3,800 a year which would be repaid through a graduate tax of 3p in the pound over 25 years.

Under this scheme, representatives for the department argue, the soft loan system would no longer be required, as all students would be adequately funded through university.

Universities would also receive an extra £400m – £500m a year if this suggestion were put into action.

The decision to reform the student loan system comes after a

Sharp student foils thieves

Cardiff student helps police to arrest well known trouble-makers

by Lydia Kirby AN ATTEMPTED robbery on the Gordon Road halls of residence was prevented by the quick thinking of a Cardiff University student.

The third year student, who lives near the halls, witnessed four teenagers lingering outside a ground floor flat window last Sunday night.

The three boys and one girl, all aged between 16 and 17 years old, then attempted to open the flat window which had been left on a locked restricter.

The student said, ‘I watched the teenagers walk towards the halls and draw near to the window, which was

slightly away from the road by a small alley-way. They pulled on the window attempting to force it open.’

He continued, ‘I immediately telephoned the police to report the incident whilst keeping my eye on the teenagers below.’

However, before the police arrived, the four were disturbed by a resident of Gordon Road and ran away laughing.

The police arrived and the student directed them to the teenagers who were walking away from the halls.

The student was able to give a positive identification of the youths and the police apprehended three of the suspects.

PC Bob Keohane praised the quick actions of the student, which

prevented a serious crime from occurring.

He said, ‘Cathays police would like to thank the student for his fast thinking which resulted in persons being arrested for an attempted burglary.’

‘The teenagers were known offenders in the Cathays area and, without the information given by the student, we would not have been able to make the arrest.’

He continued, ‘Events such as this highlight the need for students living in halls to lock windows and doors and keep valuables out of sight.’

‘In this case the occupant of the room had left several expensive objects on the windowsill. It was fortunate that nothing was taken from the room.’

Student halls are often at high risk from burglary attacks because

Splashtastic

By Aimee Bryant and Abbie Jackson

HEAVY RAIN interrupted revellers at Fun Factory last Monday night when the cloakroom and part of the Junction were flooded.

Blocked guttering resulting in an accumulation of water caused water to flow into the ventilation system above the cloakroom.

The problem worsened when students began to notice water pouring from the heat exchanger situated in the ceiling of the junction close to the doors into Solus.

As the union was awash with 1,400 students soaking up the atmosphere of Fun Factory, quick action was taken to cordon off the area.

The quantity of water was such that bottle skips were used to collect the water and were being continually emptied for nearly two hours.

Later on in the evening,

security staff decided that the many people in the union the floor of the junction was fact that the Junction was closed becoming dangerously slippery didn’t cause any problems.’ and so for safety reasons the bottle bar and the greater part of the Junction was closed. No more students were admitted after approximately 11.30pm.

Fortunately, the extent of damage was not great and the problem has since been rectified.

Despite the incident, it seemed that student spirit could not be drowned.

Louise Humar, a third year English literature student, who was at Fun Factory that night said, ‘I got to the union by 10 o’clock and the cloakroom had already been closed off. It was a bit annoying having to SOLUS: But on Monday it was carry my coat all night water not beer flooding the bars but as there weren’t too

recent admission by Tony Blair that Labour will not reach its target of 50% of under-30’s receiving higher education by the year 2010.

The government is currently looking into ways of encouraging people from poorer backgrounds to attend higher education.

Owain James, president of the National Union of Students has welcomed the government’s efforts to look into the student funding system but said, ‘The government has to deliver more money and reverse some of the cuts to student support.’

He added, ‘I don’t think that the scrapping of soft loans will prove popular with students.’

Students in Cardiff have backed Mr James’ belief with many angry that the government is considering this new scheme.

Second year French student, Kate Corbett, is anxious that the new scheme will stop people wanting to go to university.

She said, ‘I’ve found it difficult enough to finance myself through university with no interest loans. If I had to pay it back with interest I’d have reconsidered going to uni.’

Third year Business student, James Barnes said, ‘The government are always saying they want to get more people going to uni but surely schemes like this are just going to put people off.’

PIC: Jenni Blurton

By Lydia Kirby

GORDON ROAD: Thieves arrested yards from the crime

of the large number of expensive equipment, such as computers and televisions, found in student rooms.

Residents are reminded to be especially vigilant at this time of

year when British Summer time ends and the nights become longer giving thieves more opportunity to break into premises without being seen by other residents and neighbours.

Government grants to end uni elitism

By Dominic O’Neill

THE MINISTRY of Education is working on a plan to restore grants to poorer students in an attempt to encourage more people from underprivileged backgrounds to attend university.

The announcement came last Monday in an address given to Vice Chancellors by the new education secretary, Estelle Morris.

Ms Morris asserted that 50 per cent of all youngsters should enter university and that the university should not be “the birthright of the middle classes”.

She said, ‘None of us can defend the position where five times as many young people from professional backgrounds enter higher education compared with those from unskilled backgrounds.’

The Association of University Teachers (AUT), welcomed the government’s attempt to eradicate elitism, but asserted that this needed more finding and a review of student

support systems.

However, the Vice Chancellors body, Universities UK, thought it was ‘unfair’ of the government not to recognise work already done to attract working class students.

Diane Warwick, Chief Executive of Universities UK, said, ‘It is also important that schools and careers officers encourage youngsters to consider higher education as an option.’

Cardiff University already states that it ‘conducts its student recruitment and selection on an equal opportunities basis.’

However, Equal Opportunities Officer, Rohan Tambyraja said that, whilst he welcomes further efforts to encourage admissions from underprivileged applicants, he believes that a further problem lies in means tested support.

He said, ‘There is no correlation between parents’ income and the amount students actually receive.

Students are having to pay tuition fees when they really can’t afford it.’

4 ● News

Monday 29 October 2000, gairrhydd

Men surplus to requirements

by Suzanne Deller

gairrhydd Editorial How safe are the streets of Cardiff?

The news that greeted us on our arrival at the office on Thursday morning shocked us all, not least because of the severity of the attack the attack and the fact that it happened so close to our own Union.

Indeed, if I’m honest, the news upset me more because the inevitability of such an attack occurring in the near future has dawned on me over the past few weeks.

The eagle-eyed amongst you may have noticed that in my editorial last week I commented on how attacks on students are few and far between and that there was no point worrying about being attacked as long as you follow the safety advice of the police and the Union.

However, like the nervousness of the world following the attacks on America, the news of such a serious crime has hit home and hit home hard. We haven’t had a student raped in a long time, and I was hoping that it wouldn’t happen in my lifetime as editor. However, the very fact that at Gair Rhydd we have had to report on a serious attack on students in every issue since the beginning of term says something about the times that we live in.

Indeed, the attack is made worse in my eyes by the fact that the attacker met their victim in the Union itself, which makes it a possibility (unconfirmed I should add), that the rapist may be a student of Cardiff university.

I don’t want to get too cheesy and sentimental, but during my years as a student the feeling that made me feel proud to be in Cardiff was the sense of security I felt in knowing that everyone looked out for eachother and cared for one another’s safety. Even after a drunken night at Jive when all hell was breaking loose outside the Union steps, I never really felt that any of these people around me would give me any real trouble.

A little naive maybe, but the atmosphere that any university promotes is one of inclusivity and safety, and after only one incident I am having to re-think my perceptions of students and Cardiff in general.

I don’t want to suggest that all students are criminals, or angels for that matter, but I do think that it is sad that an attack like this is the thing that will make people think more about their actions and their ideas about personal safety all together.

Looking after your friends and neighbours should be second nature, but it seems that even one moment of carelessness can have horrific consequences.

If you read one thing in the newspaper this week make it the safety information on the front cover, and maybe we can prevent such a horrible event from happening again.

Scientists in America have accidentally discovered a way for women to reproduce without men.

The process known as parthenogenesis, meaning reproduction from an egg without fertilisation, is the same as the principal featured in the film Jurassic Park to create dinosaurs, and could mean that sperm would not be needed for a woman to become pregnant.

The findings were as a result of

research into the treatment of Parkinson’s disease.

The Jurassic Park scientists used frog DNA, a species that can reproduce asexually, to reproduce dinosaurs without males.

In reality, humans could also gain the ability to reproduce asexually. The US scientists have found a chemical method of persuading the egg to divide into an embryo without needing sperm.

Normally 23 chromosomes are provided by each parent, but with the use

of chemicals, the female half will double itself to create the total 46.

This means that the offspring will be exact replicas of their mother – essentially clones.

Indeed, reproduction without sex has been taking place for years with the increasing use of IVF and sperm banks.

However, men need not be worried about becoming redundant just yet, as the possibility of women making use of this new development is still very small and a long way off.

Flooding fear for Cardiff

by Dominic O’Neill

STUDENT HOMES in Cardiff face a particularly strong threat from increasing flooding a government-funded study has revealed.

While rainfall will increase all over Britain, South Wales was included as one of the worst areas along with Sussex, Cornwall and the West Coast of Scotland.

The research used computer-generated models to predict how climate change could affect rainfall for the first time.

The study found that increasingly devastating

Officials warn a repeat of last year’s flooding could destroy more homes

storms could bring at least 10 per cent more rain to the Cardiff region.

Seasonal patterns are also likely to alter. Phil Jones of the Climatic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia said, ‘Floods will become more of a risk and we expect them to occur more frequently.’

Meanwhile, homeowners in South Wales are being urged by the Welsh

DANGER: Rain caused rivers across Cardiff to flood

Environment Agency to wrap protective plastic ‘skirts’ around houses.

The agency has recommended the plastic skirt as an effective means of stopping all but the most severe floodwater and silt.

The ‘skirts’ reach less than a meter above the ground and cost around £50 but are difficult to install in terraced housing.

Cardiff flood prevention

Gender divide on stress

New genes

by Emma Blake

by Suzanne Carter IT’S OFFICIAL. Women are more likely to lie awake at night, worrying than men.

In a recent survey, commissioned by the Holiday Inn chain, 1,000 adults were interviewed about their sleeping habits.

The results showed that fifth of those surveyed, said that being worried and stressed kept them awake at night, with 65% being women.

Researchers suggested that men were able to balance their work and social life better than women. It also suggested that men could put

officer Aled Hughes commented that ‘people need to wise up and get prepared between now and April.

Flooding can not be prevented, but we can prepare for it.’

The Environment Agency has sent out 50,000 letters to homes at risk from flooding in the region. The move comes after particularly devastating floods hit South Wales last Autumn.

STRESS: Women under pressure

aside their occupational pressures and leave work at work.

However, researchers did argue that women have more pressures today than 30 years ago, juggling demanding careers as well as being a mother.

On the other hand, the survey also found that 30% of those interviewed said that nothing could stop them from having a good night’s sleep.

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY scientists have welcomed plans for a multi-million pound Gene Park in the city.

The NHS has unanimously backed the joint proposal for the park from Cardiff University, the University of Wales College of Medicine and Cardiff’s public centre for the understanding of science, Techniquest.

The Park will initially be a ‘virtual’ park with high speed internet access, but will eventually become a park with a physical presence in Cardiff.

The Wales Gene Park will carry out healthrelated research into genetics, with the aim to improve public understanding of the subject.

It will enable Cardiff ’s world renowned scientists to expand their research in to genes, using the facility to work on basic medical genetic research and ways to exploit new genetic technologies.

News ● 5

gairrhydd, Monday 29 October 2001

The Week In Print

Barrymore snubs star studded awards

Sioned Bevan, Eleri Cunningham and Nabil Hassan summarise this week’s news in Britain and Wales.

Peace on track as IRA downs weapons

by Sioned Bevan THE IRA have decommissioned some of its weapons in a bid to protect the Northern Ireland peace protest.

The decision comes after 30 years of conflict and resulting in the loss of 3,000 lives. The Northern Ireland peace protest has been under serious threat since violence broke the Good Friday agreement just months after it was signed in April 1998.

This type of move has seemed to be impossible in the past few years with the

IRA maintaining their view that giving up weapons amounted to surrender.

It is believed that the IRA had been under considerable pressure to disarm from London, Dublin and from Washington in particular due to the events of September 11.

AR ÔL deng mlynedd ar hugain o flynyddoedd a thair mil o fywydau wedi’u colli, mae’r IRA wedi diarfogi.

Mewn ymgais i achub y broses heddwch, sydd wedi bod yn y fantol ers i’r cytundeb Heddwch gael ei

sefydlu ym mis Ebrill, 1998.

Mae’r cam yma wedi bod bron yn amhosib i’w ddychmygu yn y blynyddoedd diwethaf tra roedd yr IRA yn dadlau dros eu rhesymau traddodiadol bod dad gomisiynu gyfystyr ag ildio.

Credir bod yr IRA wedi bod o dan gryn bwysau i ddiarfogi, yn enwedig o Lundain, Dulyn ac o Washington yn enwedig felly ar ôl y digwyddiadau ar yr 11eg o Fedi a’r arestiadau o dri pherson yn ymwneud â’r IRA yn Colombia ym mis Awst.

THE NEWS IN WALES Tân ym Mharc Eirias

by Eleri Cunningham Lladdwyd hogyn pedair ar ddeg a merch tair ar ddeg ym Mharc Eirias, Bae Colwyn mewn sied a oedd ar dân.

Arestiwyd bachgen 11 oed a’i ryddhau ar fechniaeth mewn cysylltiad a’r tân. Credir bod y sied, lle digwyddodd yr anffawd wedi bod yn llecyn lle roedd plant yn chwarae

yno’n aml.

Er bod y tân wedi’i ddechrau yn fwriadol mae’n debyg nad oedd yr hogyn un mlwydd ar ddeg yn ymwybodol bod dau berson yn y sied. Cawsai’r sied ei ddefnyddio i ddal matiau diogelwch, matiau sy’n llosgi ar wres hynod o uchel. Roedd Daniel Clevely a Kirsty Burvel wedi bod yn ffrindiau ers gryn amser,ac yn gariadon ers deufis.

‘Premiership’ dumped

by Cilla’s Blind Date

by Nabil Hassan TROUBLED FOOTBALL show The Premiership has suffered a further setback losing it’s prime time Saturday night TV slot to Blind Date.

Presenter Cilla Black, who has presented the popular dating show since 1985, demanded the 7pm slot. She threatened to quit if she did not get her way.

And unsurprisingly she came out on top with the ailing sports show being moved to 10.30pm.

This is not the first problem The Premiership has suffered. First it was criticised for it’s lack of football coverage, then it was slated for having too many advertisement breaks and then it suffered a severe ratings blow to BBC’s popular quiz show, The Weakest Link.

The decision to move the show to 10.30pm will come as a massive blow to Lynam, who, while presenting Match of the Day on BBC 1 campaigned vigorously to have the show screened earlier in the evening.

AWARD WINNERS: (left) Tarrant (right) Ant and Dec, collect their awards. Barrymore (inset) backed out

by Nabil Hassan TROUBLED TV personality Michael Barrymore snubbed the National Television Awards last week by refusing to collect his award.

Barrymore scooped the award of most popular entertainment programme for his show ‘My Kind of Music’.

The presenter, who has recently been cautioned by police for drugs offences, used the death of his mother as the reason for not turning up at the ceremony. The awards’ host Sir Trevor McDonald read out a statement from the Barrymore, which said, ‘In view of recent events and the death of my mother I do not feel on this occasion I can attend.’

However, actor Ricky Tomlinson was on hand to collect two awards, the first was for most popular comedy programme The Royle Family

and the second for most popular comedy performer.

For once though the TV funnyman was in a sedate mood.

‘I want to be serious for 10 seconds and thank you so much, I feel so proud and privileged.’

For the third year running Who Wants To Be A Millionaire bagged the prize for most popular quiz show, beating Anne Robinson’s The Weakest Link.

Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan collected the award for most popular daytime programme, despite having quit ITV’s This Morning programme for Channel 4.

Finnigan who last year unintentionally flashed her breasts after winning the award this year managed to keep her top on, saying, ‘It couldn’t have been a better leaving present.’

Channel 4’s Big Brother 2 won the award for most popular factual award.

Presenter Davina McCall

said, ‘This is a very, very special award.’ Davina also found time to thank the programme’s contestants, adding: ‘I want to thank Helen and Paul for keeping me on the edge of my seat and a big up to Brian.’

Geordies Ant and Dec, who present SMTV, beat the aforementioned Michael Barrymore, to the prize for most popular entertainment presenter.

Declan Donnelly said, ‘I think I am going to be sick.’

His co-presenter Ant McPartlin added, ‘It has been a fantastic couple of years.

We are over the moon.’

However, the real stars of the show were two American fire officers who received a standing ovation for their efforts in New York on September 11.

The two officers, Richard Blatus and Jim Yakimovich presented the award for most popular soap, for which Eastenders scooped the award.

In fact one of An ITV source Lynam’s main said Cilla was reasons for annoyed her leaving the BBC challenge show was because ITV Moment of Truth had promised attracted only four him their new million viewers footballing show because it was would be shown earlier on screened in a Saturday evenings, prime-time slot. before ‘The LYNAM AND BLACK : Cilla has the last laugh ITV are keen Premiership’. to make the 17th series of Blind Date a Cilla feared she was being side-lined by ITV. success as it has been revamped with ‘behind The source said, ‘She didn’t want Blind the scenes’ footage. The show has been Date going out before the football as well. So running for 16 years but continues to attract she put her foot down, Cilla regularly pulls in thousands of viewers each week. eight million viewers with Blind Date.’

The new series of ‘Blind Date’ will start on ITV’s decision to move back The November 10th when there are in fact no Premiership is set to cost the network £50 Premiership highlights, as club matches have million as ‘disappointed’ sponsors Coca-Cola been shelved due to the England game. are likely to tear up the contract.

Programme until Thursday 1st November 2001. Please ring the information line for this weekend’s listings.

Advanced Screenings HARRY POTTER & THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE - (PG) Advance Screenings - Book Now

THE OTHERS - (12) Advance Screenings

Sat 10th & Sun 11th Nov 8.00 8.30 9.00 9.30 10.00 11.00 11.30 12.00 12.30 1.00 2.00 2.30 3.00 3.30 4.00 5.00 5.30 6.00 6.30 7.00 8.00 8.30 9.00 9.30 10.00 Late Night Shows Sat only - 11.00 11.30 12.00

Wednesday and Thursday Only 11.50 2.10 4.30 7.00 9.20

LEGALLY BLONDE - (12)

BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF - (15)

MOULIN ROUGE - (12)

10:30 12:40 2:50 5:00 7:10 9:20 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.40

11.50 Daily except Thursday 2.40 6.20 9.20 Daily

11.30 2.20 5.10 8.20 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.10

WILD ABOUT HARRY - (15) 10.10 12.20 2.40 4.50 7.10 9.30 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.50

JEEPERS CREEPERS - (15) 11.10 1.10 3.20 5.30 7.40 9.50 Late night show - Fri and Sat 12.00

ATLANTIS : THE LOST EMPIRE - (U)

THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE - (15)

10.00 12.00 2.00 4.00

11.00 1.30 4.00 6.30 9.00 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.30

THE PLEDGE - (15)

THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS - (PG) 10.20 12.40 3.00 5.10 7.20 9.40 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.50

AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS - (12) 10:00 12.20 2:30 4.40 6:50 9:20 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.40

AMERICAN PIE 2 - (15) 10.10 11.30 12.30 2.00 3.00 4.30 5.50 7.00 8.20 9.30 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.00 11.50

10.00 12.40 3.20 6.00 8.50 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.30

AMELIE - (15) 10.00 12.40 3.20 6.00 8.40 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.20

ENIGMA - (15) 11.00 1.30 4.00 Daily except Fri, Sat & Sun 6.30 9.10 Daily Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.40

A.I. - (12) 10.40 1.40 Daily 5.00 8.00 Daily except Tuesday

THE SCORE - (15) 6.10 8.50 Late night show - Fri and Sat 11.30

A KNIGHTS TALE - (PG) Fri, Sat & Sun only 10.30 1.10 3.50

POKEMON 3 Saturday morning Kid’s Club Children & Adults £1.50 Starts 10.00 Ends 11.30

BRAVEHEART - (15) Thursday Morning Senior Screen £1.70 Starts 11.00 Ends 2.10 Intermission Included

Letters ● 7

gairrhydd, Monday 29 October 2001

Letter of the week The writer of this week’s Letter of the Week wins a lifesize model of everyone’s favourite 20 stone pop-idol.

Could you hurry up and collect it please ‘cause its blocking the door to the office.

Dear Gair Rhydd, As two fourth year language students returning from our year abroad, we feel the need to write to you in order to express our sheer horror and disbelief on our return to the School of European Studies.

Having always found the quality of our facilities to be a little dubious our worst fears were confirmed when we discovered that not only had our department been moved, but is now located in the wholly inadequate 65-68 Park Place. While not objecting to moving across the road, we certainly do object to the continuing building works and consequent chaos which surely could have been completed before the start of the academic year. Assurances of the latest audio and visual technology are all well and good but not of much use when they won’t be available to us until the summer semester, especially as this is our “all important” final year.

We have been encouraged to voice our dissatisfaction at the new department and it was suggested that we should maybe push for the installation of a coffee machine. Sod the coffee machine, some of the teaching rooms don’t even have electricity!

Once again congratulations to the School of European Studies for not only fulfiling their role as the university’s least competent department, but also for wasting our tuition fees for the fourth year running!

Yours, Don and Shirley

Breakfast Balls-up Dear Gair Rhydd, Having spent the last twelve months in industry, I was absolutely appalled when I returned to the academic fold to discover the complete and utter shambles that the Trevithick refectory has been left in. Only twelve months ago this refectory was considered to provide the bastion of 11 o’clock breakfasts.

Late in my second year, the standards of these legendary

breakfasts were effectively raped when they introduced a round, soft hash brown instead of the crispy oblong ones we all know and love.

Due to the popular voice eventually being heard, the kitchen reluctantly admitted their gross error and effectively apologised by re-introducing the hash browns of the people.

So you can imagine my horror when I returned after my year in industry to find that the refectory had not only been molested with, but that it had been metaphorically hung drawn and quartered too (eh?

-Ed). And so when I entered this monstrosity expecting a fry-up to satisfy my hunger, I was confronted

by a namby-pamby salad bar (for people ignorant of the need for meat in their diet), and a whole host of roles (sic) – as I’m sure this is the only group naive enough to part with so much money for so little food.

I can only hope that the caterers of the Trevithick refectory again listen to the people and return once more to producing their legendary breakfasts, which are all too fast becoming no more than a distant memory.

Yours, A pissed off and hungry mechanical engineer

And There’s More. . .

Dear Gair Rhydd, I am somewhat aggrieved that the powers that be think that engineers do not wish to consume any form of a) hot and b) nutritious food during the mornings. Whatever possessed the mad lunatics that run this university to remove all facilities for producing half decent breakfast fryups from Trevithick? How is any engineer supposed to survive without his/her daily intake of doorstop toast?

Is it any wonder that engineering students are forced to go hungry when they have no time to cook and there is no decent, fresh food available in the mornings, as the food supply is effectively reduced to a vending machine?

Yours stomach-rumblinghungry, The Door Step Toaster Lettersdesk says: Now hear this, evil breakfast-downgrading powersthat-be, this can go on no longer!

Quit your messing! It’s the most important meal of the day, don’t you know, and we students need all the brain-food we can get. And it’s not just in Trevithick, it seems to be growing trend. What’s happened in Seren Las? It’s time these people realise that we can’t survive on coffee alone.

Gay Writes. . .

Dear Gair Rhydd, I kind of always knew I was gay from about the age the age of 6.

People, I’m not camp, not into S&M, not constantly interested in anything in trousers, despite what most guys think when they find out. Hence why I don’t scream it from the rooftops of the Union. All I can say is that this stereotypical perception, far from being played down by the Union, is highlighted by efforts such as Macho and the buddying of freshers in the L.G.B. I’m sure the intentions are good ones, but I can’t help thinking that it reinforces existing perceptions. Do we really have to make such a big deal about being slightly different? Support people by all means, but do not indoctrinate people into stereotypes.

To quote the L.G.B officer, “sexuality is fluid”, but then, so are a lot of aspects of people’s lives. Half the reason people are so scared to reveal their sexuality is the way people react. We do0 ourselves no favours with the image we create of our way of life, even though I’m sure most homosexuals are just your average Joes or Janes.

Yours, Joe

Freakshow Dear Gair Rhydd (and the four lovely boys I had the pleasure of speaking to outside Lash on Friday night), Just because I am blessed with a larger than average set of breasts, I do not deserve and nor do I appreciate a) The numerous loud announcements you made as I walked past, for example “Look at the tits on THAT!”, “Look at her jugs!” etc. etc. and b) Being called a “freakshow” for not showing any interest in your comments or yourselves, the true freaks. In future may I suggest that you keep your adolescent, insulting and f**king ignorant comments to yourselves.

Thanks,

Little Miss F-Cup P.S. Yes they are real, and you fully deserved the slap dealt to you by my friend. If I wasn’t so shocked you would have got one from me too!

Lettersdesk: Consider yourself told, offensively pissed-up mammory admirers of Lash. Your suggestive outbursts will be tolerated no longer. It’s nice that “Little Miss FCup” felt she could use this Letters page to get her frustration of her chest. I said chest. Ah-ha. Do you get it?

Humble Pie Dear Gair Rhydd, I just thought I would congratulate your film desk on your excellent review of American Pie 2. So good, in fact, that I didn’t even have to watch it, because you’d given all the funniest bits away.

Thanks for that price saving effort.

I can spend that money I saved buying a proper newspaper, particularly now that one of your new Film reviewers puts her best film as the shockingly shit 10 Things I Hate About You. Defend yourselves and slag me off at the same time please, in the meantime I’ll watch Now and Then, the shitter than shit favourite film from another of your dodgy fresher women reporters.

Yours, Roger McTwatty-Bollocks Lettersdesk says: Listen, Mr. McTwatty-Bollocks, if you think you could do better than any of our reviewers, there’s a simple solution; come and write for us. Yes, share with us your refined taste in film and display more of your obvious wit and intelligence. Or, if that seems too much like being constructive, you could continue to sit at home on your arse and write in every now and then with snide remarks under oh-so-amusing pseudonyms.

Send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are not necessarily those of the newspaper or the editor.

Crossword The gair rhydd crossword. It’s the new rock ‘n’roll.

Honestly. Impress your friends with your enormous vocabulary and extraordinarily neat handwriting, and bag yourself a meal in the bargain.

ACROSS: 2. More delicate (7) 7. Desire (4) 8. Once ____ a time, fairy tale opening (4) 9. Clap (7) 10. Circular movement of water (4) 12. Besides, otherwise (4) 15. Murder ___ Wrote, TV series (3) 16. Quality that arouses pity (6) 18. Lay waste (6) 20. Hard baked chewy sweet (6) 22. Stag’s horn (6) 23. Allow (3) 24. Sharp cry (4) 27. Cook by long simmering (4) 29. Bliss (7) 30. Resound (4) 31. Recess (4) 32. Make believe (7)

1. Celtic poet and singer (4) 2. Hold, restrain (4) 3. Main road built to avoid a town (6) 4. One in front (6) 5. Uncultured (4) 6. Deficit (4) 10. Power of feeling other people’s emotions 11. Faithful (7) 13. Tract (7) 14. Facial (7) 17. Metal source (3) 19. Girl’s names 21. Expire, become invalid (6) 22. Bring into harmony (6) 25. Individually (4) 26. Actor’s accessory (4) 27. Transmit (4) 28. ___ Ronay, food critic (4) Send your answers to the gair rhydd office before Wednesday and the winner will be announced in the next issue. Last week we received a record number of correct entries. Sadly there has to be a winner, and first out of the hat was Siobhan Gee. Many, many congrats.

702’s solution: ACROSS: 1.Applauds; 5.Erse; 9.Miniskirt; 10.Woe; 11.Bran; 13.Sterile; 16.Into; Menace; 19.Resent; 21.Sett; 23.Thrifty; 25.East; 27.You; 28.Splendour; 30.Tidy; 31.Idolatry.

DOWN: 1.Army, 2.Pin; 3.Arsenic; 4.Driest; 6.Rowdiness; 7.Eleventh; 8.Style; 12.Runaround; 14.Tort; 15.Amethyst; 17.Nest; 20.Eternal; 22.Eyelid; 24.Fuse; 26.Fray; 29.Out

DOWN:

Name:___________________ Email:____________________ If I was a horse, I’d:_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

This week’s winner wins a meal for two at The Roath Tandoori & Balti Restaurant

blagging

Competitions ● 09

gairrhydd, Monday 29 October 2001

The ultimate in...

THIS WEEK: COLLECT YOUR RAILCARD, DO IT WITH DISCO STU AND INFECT YOUR FRIENDS WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST

Sign of the times

T

HIS WEEK’S topic of conversation is the Virus Watch. Don’t worry, GR hasn’t become the soapbox for some kind of modern day Home Guard protecting the country. Far from it. Although you can bet that if such a thing was required, indeed Blagging would be spearheading the whole thing like a shot. But no. The virus watch is actually a pretty rockin’ toy which is a musthave for any ten-year-old or, indeed, any twenty-year-old who aspires to be a tenyear-old. Like me. Perhaps I should explain.

The Virus Watch is more than just a simple

timepiece. It has a bunch of games built in, which is good if you need something to do during that agonising three-minute lull between Eastenders and Brookie. Obviously this kind of thing has been around since the invention of those amazing LCD game watches. You remember, Vampire Attack and Alex Kid etc. Brilliant. Things have moved on since 1985 though, and this watch has some terrific modern features, like a text messaging feature. If you have a friend, let’s call him Brian, who has one of these watches then you can send each other text messages about conkers and marbles and things. This promises to result in ‘thrills and excitement’ and I don’t think they’re lying.

The reason that this thing is called the Virus Watch, however, is that it can be used to zap your friend’s (Brian, remember) watch with a selection of electronic viruses. The joy of naffing up Brian’s clock, date and text at the touch of a button can only be imagined. Picture his weeping face, that priggish snout of his crumpled in sorrow as his watch is crapped upon by your superior button-pressing skill. Hope that hurt, Win a Zeon Virus Watch Brian.

GR has TWO Virus Watches to give To become the proud owner of a pair of away, one as black as my heart and these fabulous watches, answer this one as silver as my tongue. If you want question. to win them for yourself and a mate, and you know you want to, riddle me Before the invention of the my curious conundrum.

wristwatch, watches were usually worn on a…

A: B: C:

Chain Hat Public holiday

Jettison your answers into my greedy throat at the usual address and I shall reward you accordingly

Do the Monster Mash

Once again, the GR is here to give you the chance to see Disco Stu for nothing. Yes, nothing. On Saturday 3rd November, Stu will be in Solus for The Rocky Horror Show. To win one of five pairs of tickets, simply answer me this: How many vowels are there in the word HORROR? A: 69 B: 2 C: 45684

gairrhydd Drop your answers in to the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or you can send them to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Alternatively, e-mail your answers and contact details to: ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk Win this stuff or I’ll have to keep it for myself.

Railcard winners Wow! A staggering response to this competition (Issue 700). Was it the free railcard or the kids TV-related question that won your hearts? Don’t worry, I’ll find out.

The following smug day trippers have secured themselves a berth on the Competitions Page Expressway. Destination: my heart.

Congrats to: Dimitra Fimi, Cath Jackson, Natasha Hettihewa, Gillian Davis and Cat Parker.

The Young Persons Railcard people will be in touch with you directly. How exciting.

10 ● Classifieds

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

●

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

●

25 pence per bold word

●

30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

●

£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

●

£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE

Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

Monday 29 January 2001, gairrhydd

LOST or STOLEN My dark blue Berghaus coat went missing in the ground floor photocopying area of the Humanities Library, around 8pm on Friday 19th October. Size medium, with rollaway hood, internal map pocket and mesh lining. Also lost a yellow folder with ‘Zeitgeist’ written on it. If you know where these are, please contact Adrian on 02920 912058 or hand them in at the library. Reward can be arranged.

LOST: My mojo. I don’t know where it has gone but it has definitely deserted me. I can’t remember the last time I had a snog, yet alone a shag. Please help me find it. I can be found propping up the bar at Lash .

Thanks for your help.

ACCOMMODATION Two rooms for rent in house with two second year medics. Newfoundland Rd, Heath.

All mod con. £200 pcm. Call Hannah or Tori on 02920 627674 or 07801947105 TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

Room for rent in house of five, Wyndham Crescent, Canton, All mod con with digital TV. Would suit postgraduate. £210 pcm. For more info contact Anna or Paul; (029) 20666174 or (07941) 506838.

MISCELLANEOUS Alexander Technique The Alexander Technique can improve postural habits, release tension, aid concentration and improve general wellbeing.

From November 1st, I will be teaching the Alexander Technique in meeting room 3 in the Student’s Union Building on Thursdays. Individual lessons will be available from 11 o’clock am - 3 o’clock pm, and are open to everybody.

For further information and to book lessons, please contact Mrs. Sarah Tovey on 01873 857200, or email: sarah.tovey@btinternet.com Hi mum and dad love ed “In France we call this a sandwich...” I think I’m going to have to stop you there.

Spacehopper Society to return in the near future... shit will be unruly.

Coming up next week in your horse-

feedin’ GR: scrapin’ the resin – a beginners’ guide; the foxcore revival; the purple beast (it\s a car); the gospel according to Foscolo. If it bleeds it leads, kids.

Inventive pizza toppings for hungry GR subs – Lockets and Tunes mixed with chest phlegm on a deep pan. Red and Coke with Rocket on a thin crust. Our mouths are watering.

This week, the Gair Rhydd staff will mostly be listening to Right Said Fred, The Strokes and the sound of freshers puking on the union steps. Before you’re sick, come to the office and tell us so we can take a picture of the aftermath of crazy freshers antics. It’s just because we’re jealous.

Contributors wanted for new book revealing sexual fantasies of students. Whatever your turn-on, however long the fantasy, we want to hear from you. Send your deepest, darkest secrets to TLH999@hotmail.com

WANTED HONKY CHONKY Have you heard?

HONKY CHONKY spread the word.

Lonely and tired Gair Rhydd editor needs a life.

COME bowling with Gair Rhydd. Monday 29 october. If you want to bowl dead cheap, sign your name on the list outside the office and we will leave at about 7pm already really drunk. Everyone welcome especially all of you wonderful people who have helped us so far this term

Comment ●11

gairrhydd, Monday 29 October 2001

Comment Comment Fawkes? What a guy O

oh, it’s an exciting time of year far better way of doing things than Those people who are clamouring and no mistake. You’ve got wheeling a bunch of celebrities out of for bonfire night to go unmarked this Halloween, Guy Fawkes night retirement, rehab or rehearsals to sing year are missing out on a great and the, er, start of the Christmas their hearts out and spout nationalistic opportunity to go all gung-ho and go build-up in town (which, to confirm the bollocks. The sight of Paul McCartney round burning effigies of those who views of world-weary columnists clutching the two bewildered sons of a would bring a great nation (us, nationwide, is getting earlier every dead New York firefighter at last apparently) to its knees. Obviously, it year). But there are some killjoys week’s gala concert strikes me as far would be a shame if it did because it’s who’d like to put an end to some of more offensive than setting off a few never pleasant when jingoistic tubyour fun. rockets in the back yard. thumpers take over anything for their It’s not Christmas – apparently The other argument runs that Guy own ends. But it’s always good to that’s still got the go-ahead show up those people who (although, in my humble very rarely think before opinion, if any of the events condeming something. above are to be shelved it As life returns to some should be Christmas on the semblance of normality (news grounds of its expense, bulletins on the radio today stress and the amount of shit haven’t been leading with TV it generates). Instead Guy stories from New York, Fawkes night is being Washington or Afghanistan) threatened. people have more time to think The case against bonfire logically about their responses night is a relatively new one. about apparently contentious Explosions are a bad idea, issues. the argument goes, because Sadly, there are those who people can die in them. Look will jump at the chance to at America – they had appear more righteous-thanexplosions and people died. PLOTTERS: The faces of evil? Well, they’re all beardies thou and these are the people Lots of people. So surely it who write to national would be terribly bad taste for us to Fawkes night celebrates a man who newspapers, ring up local radio have a night which celebrates the tried to blow up the Houses of phone-ins and are always disgusted power of gunpowder when thousands Parliament – a beardy, foppish traitor or horrified if vox-popped about of bodies are still lying under the – he shouldn’t have his own night. anything by a TV crew. rubble of the World Trade Centre.

Well, again, it’s a fair point. But you The real dangers in society aren’t Well, yes, I see the point behind this have to remember that Fawkes failed, the people who want to light a few argument but it has as many flaws as the Houses of Parliament stayed sparklers and perhaps consider the Bryan Adams’ complexion. A fireworks standing and Britain has been glorious ramifications of terrorism in all its display – something essentially rather ever since.... If anything, the burning forms, but the people who jump to jolly – might be seen as inappropriate of ‘guys’ on blazing bonfires smacks conclusions and prefer the sound of after such tragic events but there has of a celebration of the fact that he their own voice to reasoned debate. to be a point where you carry on. didn’t send a couple of hundred In fact, carrying on as normal is a politicians sky high.

Fiona Mountjoy

They want to be alone

B

eing a celebrity has always guaranteed wealth, media attention...and the odd stalker.

Last weekend, Mel C had to be placed under 24-hour police protection after receiving death threats at her North London home. Various threatening and sexually explicit tapes had been posted through her door.

One recorded message stated “This is the day we’re both going to die”. While an investigation is underway, an undercover detective must accompany Sporty Spice whenever she leaves the building. But this story is just another in a long list of similar cases.

In May this year, Nicole Kidman won her three-year battle to place a restraining order against her stalker.

The 40-year-old man, Matthew Hooker became obsessed with the star after her marriage break-up to Tom Cruise.

Hooker harassed the star by calling at her house with love poetry. In his spare time, he has snooped around Claudia Schiffer’s villa in Spain. Needless to say the police were called.

According to one UK psychologist,

the extreme behaviour of stalkers is a perversion of an otherwise natural and healthy interest in stars. It’s when the fan-turned-stalker enters an imaginary world, populated only by the star that things go wrong. In 1999, one obsessed Brad Pitt fan was found in his Santa Monica home. She dressed up and slept in his clothes so that she could be closer to the chiselled legend.

Steven Spielberg’s celluloid was shaken when he discovered his stalker carrying a potential “rape kit” outside his house. The contents included tape, handcuffs, nipple clamps and a knife.

The kinky devil was jailed for 25 years and even upon release the problem could remain indefinitely since the reasons for stalking are often deeply rooted in the past.

Stalking can be triggered by minor incidents, but the line between threats and causing real harm is thin.

Several celebrities have encountered violent attacks, for example tennis ace,Monica Seles was stabbed in 1993 by a crazed Steffi Graf fan.

But sometimes fatal consequences can occur, as in the case of John Lennon and Jill Dando. Clearly familiarity with celebrities breeds contempt. The media regularly churn out images of the same people, so audiences feel that they have a relationship with them.

All of this seems rather sinister when you consider programmes like Pop Idols and Popstars are busy trying to foist unknowns upon us and thus have them subjected to the kind of media – and fan – obsession that hardened celebrities are more able to deal with.

Both the UK and US have introduced different degrees of antistalking legislation, but recent cases have shown where more can be done.

The good news however, is that most fans are level-headed and responsible people. Even the most passionate Star Trek fans realise that stalking need not be the final frontier.

Lori White

The Great Train Robbery

W

ith the thought of a four hour long journey home ahead of me, I began to despair of whether I would actually get home at all this week. While at Cardiff Central station earlier in the week, at least two trains were cancelled in the 30 minutes I was there.

This wouldn’t have been so bad if it was only a local train and people could have made other arrangements but no, at least one of them was going as far as Birmingham – an absolute nightmare for those who wanted to make that three hour journey home at a reasonable time.

This is not the only instance of trains being cancelled without explanation or apology. When I was waiting for a connection at Crewe a few weeks ago, several trains going to Scotland and Cardiff were cancelled too – therefore giving the rail companies more work when they will be inundated with requests for free tickets and vouchers, and costing them yet more money.

In a week where Railtrack are claiming the government is being unfair towards them is it any wonder the public complains?

That new 2DTV programme (which isn’t half bad) took great delight in making a mockery of the beleaguered company. In one sketch a passenger was depressed about the fact that her shares in Railtrack had slumped dramatically and so decided to end her life. To do this she waited on the platform edge for a train to arrive so she could apparently throw herself in front of it. Much to her disappointment the train she was waiting for was cancelled and so she had to wait six hours for the next one.

And then when the train did arrive the woman didn’t jump in front of it with gay abandon but got on it – because as I’m sure you all know, sitting on a delayed train is certain death.

And why is this so funny? Because despite Railtrack’s carelessness and reluctance to pay out for improvements, they still claim that the criticism they have received is unwarranted. In my view this reluctance has not only robbed the public of their money due to increased fares for ‘improvements’, but also of their right to travel around with any degree of certainty of getting where they want, when they want.

The moral of the story, you would think, would be for the government to realise that privatising the railways was a huge mistake.

But no, instead they are willing to persist with privatising the London Underground, partially anyway, and we all know where that will lead – to yet more delays on a system which is undoubtedly worse than underground systems around the world.

Instead of increasing this gap of efficiency, surely the government should be trying to close it? And privatising the Underground is not the way to go.

Have they learnt nothing from the disruption caused since privatising the railways?

Cardiff University Careers Service and Cardiff Law School are proud to present

Cardiff Law Fair On the 31 October 2001 from 1.00 p.m. until 4.00 p.m. at the City Hall, Cardiff An opportunity for students and graduates from all disciplines ...

Meet professionals in law, from a whole host of firms from across Wales, the UK and world-wide.

Find out all you need to know about a career within the legal field.

Receive advice from practitioners, their colleagues and recent graduates about working and training in law.

A chance for non-law graduates to discover the opportunities available to them, plus lots more.

Log on to www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas or call into the Careers Service at 5 Corbett Road, Cardiff for further details and a full list of this year’s exhibitors.

BOOKS expand their horizons with lots of drugs

FILM review Nicole Kidman in The Others

GAMES face that Robinson witch

Going for gold Up the witter! Shed Seven come back to Cardiff Who Wants To Be A The Coen

Millionaire? • Radio 2 Live in Cardiff Brothers • The Real Thing

Inside: Get There! The ultimate guide to Cardiff and beyond!

Contents

02. Get There No life, friends or social skills? Let Get There help!

04. Arts

Arts cross the bridge to Bristol to review The Real Thing, and also rate Captain Correlli's Mandolin at the Sherman.

05. Books The King of all things alternative, the literature maestro David Gates gives us an insight into what’s hot and what’s not in the world of books.

06. Film

FILM get well and truly spooked by The Others and Jeepers Creepers.

09. Music

All the new releases reviewed and rated, plus a bumper Radio Two Live review. They’re so good to you!

13. Games It’s TV spin off hell, as Games give their verdict on The Weakest Link and Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.

15. TV Guide

Far funnier than it has any right to be – it’s the Gair Rhydd TV guide!

GRiP Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor John Bayley Arts Lizzie Brown and LaDonna Hall Books D.C. Gates Film Jonathan Steven Games James Morley and Chris Faires Music Gemma Curtis and Maria Lane Get There Luke Holland TV Listings Charlotte Martyn, Noel Gardner, Nick Harrison GRiP needs your help! We are overworked and losing our minds.

Visit our media penthouse on the 4th floor of the Union or • E-mail ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk • Hear us speak 029 2078 1434/6

Get There

02

H

ave you ever loved a woman so much that you trembled in pain? Nope, us neither. We have, however, prepared a pretty darned fine guide to What’s On in Cardiff. What’s more, in a fit of massive generosity, it’s reprinted in full below! For free! Cinema times? Not a problem! Club prices? Listed in full! Live music? Rated and listed with a nudge, a wink and a foot long grin! So remember gang: Get Hip - Get There!

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? How many seas must a white dove sail before he sleeps in the sand?

How many times must the cannonballs fly before they are forever banned? What’s hot and what’s not on the Cardiff clubbing circuit? The answer, my friend, is Blowin’ in the Wind. Apart from the answer to the last question, which appears below, in an easily accessible day by day format, for your reading pleasure. Madness!

Union Monday 29/10

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm, free. With ‘Beat the Clock’ promotions running from 9-11pm. It’s cheap, it’s free and most importantly, it’s cheerful! There we are, then.

Tuesday 30/10

Comedy Club Chris Addison braves the hecklers this week. His job will not be made any easier by the fact that wine is only £4.75 a bottle. Marvellous.

Wednesday 31/10

Jive Hive Halloween Special @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50. Variation on a popular theme – same top tunes, same cheap booze but this week (wait for it)... in spooky fancy dress!

Thursday 1/11 Friday 2/11

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm, £2. Drink-friendly cheese abounds. People drink, dance, smile and occasionally vomit. Mine’s a large one.

Saturday 3/11

Disco Stu @ Solus 9pm-1am. £TBC. Details not confirmed as we went to press, but probably involves silly dancing, scantily clad women and loads of booze. See you there, then.

Sumo @ Seren Las (Coffee *1) £7. Thoroughly bonzer night, with a live set courtesy of the Freestylers.

Sunday 21/10

Java @ Seren Las (Coffee *1) 7-11pm, Free Entry. Suitably chilled Sunday shindig, with the Hustler AllStar seal of approval. Wine less than a fiver a bottle, and liquer only £1 a shot.

Worth a look any day of the week. Sundays are probably best, though, as that’s when it’s on.

Clubbing Monday 29/10

Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Drum ‘n’ Bass on a Monday. Great.

Big Jugs @ Bar Med ‘Til 11.30pm. Big Jugs! Get it?

Guru Vibrations @ Berlins 9pm-2am. Soul, funk, hip-hop and, er, 80’s. NUS only.

One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Student night, obviously.

MAD @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. Well worth a look. Maybe. Or not. At all.

Exit Club Gay venue. Chart and Dance.

Fantasy Lounge Erotic dancing! Pole dancing! Lap dancing! Sad! Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night, £1 a pint.

A Vibrant Thing @ R.S.V.P. R.S.V.P. wouldn’t know a vibrant thing if it jumped up and bit their nose off. Far more likely to be a half arsed chart hotch-potch thing.

DJ Mix Selector @ Sam’s Bar £2-£5 entry. Open deck DJ session.

Toucan Club 8pm-2am. Chilled out jazzy beats.

Tuesday 30/10

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Rock, metal, goth. See ya there, then.

Hoochy Koochy @ The Emporium 9pm-2am, £1 b4 10pm/£2. Student madness!

Salsa night @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Entry varies, Salsa classes from 8pm, Dylan’s Loves 80’s @ Dylan’s Selected drinks 80p. Arse.

Pulse @ Zeus Has cheap booze, but so does Spar, and you wouldn’t go there for a night out, would you?

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Courtesy of the naffly named DJ Pete.

Exit Club Gay Venue. Chart and Dance.

Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Or A Touch of Class.

Fantasy Lounge Women, lonely men, poles etc...

2-4-1 Night @ Flares Does what it says on the tin.

Offya Face @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Alternative NUS night.

Boozeday @ Reds Glamorgan Union night. Enjoy.

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe.

Obviously.

Wednesday 31/10

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. Come and dance like Jarvis, strut like Liam or look short and fat like James Dean Bradfield! This week: playback of the new album from indie survivors Gene.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions.

Party night @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry, Carlsberg £1 a bottle, Bacardi £1.50 a bottle.

Down to It @ Berlins 9pm-2am. I’d rather not, thanks.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night Cross The Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am. Free Entry. Soul, Funk and Old Skool.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle.

Fantasy Lounge More naked women dance.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke. ‘Nuff said.

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Wipeout @ Reds Bob Monkhouse hosts popular daytime quiz in Cardiff bar. Maybe.

Uprising @ The Roxy 10pm-2am. £3. Dub, ska, reggae and roots.

Handbag 120 @ Zeus 9pm-2am. Best avoid.

Thursday 1/11

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late night bar and drinks offers.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours. (Get it?)

Disco Inferno @ Zeus 9pm-2am, £3/£2 NUS, 70s stuff. Zzzz.

Beyond The Calico Wall @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm-2am, free. Fantabulous night – well worth a look.

Plush @ Emporium Anything with a groove, says the press release.

What A Feeling @ Flares 70’s fun and games, open til 2am.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Old School Funk @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Old Skool night, but you can’t wear trainers or caps. You do the math.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9pm-2am. Soul and R & B, with Trevor Nelson every other week.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Cabaret @ Minsky’s Show Bar Noel from Hear’Say once dressed as a daffodil here. Nowadays, men dress as women and act a bit gay. Some things never change, I suppose.

Contact venue for more info.

Student Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry. Probably shit.

Med-Club @ Reds

9pm-2am. The most ‘up for it’ party in town, apparently. Personally, I’d rather stuff melons up my bottom.

Friday 2/11

Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8/£6. Information (07950) 345791.

Splendid dancey night. Plenty of attitude, thankfully all good.

Bar 150 @ Zeus 9pm-3am. Favourite party choons and games. Like consumption, only worse.

US Garage @ The End...

8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin. Great.

Fever @ Barfly DJ Mike with a selection of indie classics.

Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Turntables @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Chart, garage and R&B. No trainers.

Foreplay @ Club X 10pm-3am. Gay Venue. Chart and pumping house.

Weekend Madness @ Cuba Til 2am. Red hot Latin grooves, by all accounts.

Big Bash @ Dylan’s Smart dress code, expensive drinks and duff music. Enjoy.

Chaos @ Metros 9pm-3am, alternative student night. No dress code, cheap booze and good tunes. Doctors and Nurses theme tonight, which should be worth a look, if only to see young girls dressed as...er... nurses.

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar (downstairs) 9pm-1am, £1. Stoner rock/posthardcore/absolute arse night. Utter wank.

ROAR @ Evolution 9pm-4am. £10 or £8 NUS. Lisa Pin-Up. Big, brash and brassy house night, with a liberal sprinkling of garage. Big name DJ’s and a great atmosphere.

Cool House @ Las Iguanas 9pm-1am. US & UK house.

Exit Club Gay Venue. Commercial chart and dance.

Get Down and Groove @ Flares Til 2am. Funky disco, by all accounts.

Moda @ Rajah’s 8.30pm-midnight. Groovy pre-club night.

Twin Scene @ Reds No denim, no trainers, no-one under 21, no good music. No point, then, really.

Heavy Metal @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Unsurprisingly, heavy metal.

The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan 8pm-2am. Live funk, and mixing madness courtesy of Kris Jenkins, Bones and Dave Grooveslave. Well good, actually.

Saturday 3/11

Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager.

Deliciously Wicked @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Yet another R&B/Garage night, with trainers outlawed as usual. Great.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace.

Well worth a look!

The Big Party @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. The party sounds like a great idea. Sadly, it’s in Dylan’s.

L’America @ The Emporium 10pm-4am. £10. US House & Garage.

Funky Techno @ The End...

8pm-11pm, with One Mission DJ’s.

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. Still a bit smelly, though.

Hombu 9pm-1am. Free. Tip top and happening night of breaks, beats and house.

Weekend Madness @ Bar Cuba 10pm-2am. £2/£4. DJ Andy Loveless Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive!

Hooray!

Glam Night @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Expect an orgy of all things glam. Apart from Gary Glitter, of course.

Club Class Latino @ The Toucan Club 8pm-2am. Latino, world beats and rare grooves.

Desire @ Zeus 9pm-3am. Aaaagggghhhh! The Horror!

Get There

03

Still showing at cinemas across Cardiff

AMERICAN PIE II Starring: Jason Biggs, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan Cert: 15 After the multi-million pound success of American Pie, they had to bring the whole team back again. AP2 covers the same sort of ground as the first one, but did manage to make me laugh out loud at points and is worth a viewing on a wet Cardiff afternoon.

LEGALLY BLONDE Starring: Robert Luketic, Reece Witherspoon, Luke Wilson, Selma Blair Cert: 12 When she is ditched by her boyfriend for being too dippy, Elle decides to prove him and anyone who ever made a blonde joke wrong and join Harvard Law school. Not realistic – we all know that whilst blonde chicks are good looking, there isn’t much upstairs.

Live Music

THE PLEDGE Starring: Jack Nicholson, Benicio Del Toro, Patricia Clarkson, Beau Daniels Cert: 15 Ex-cop Gerry Back has made a promise to a dead girls parents to find a killer. The trouble is he just can’t find him. The answer? Bait.

He moves in with a lady who has another little girl (the same age as the killed one), who he uses to flush out the killer. Nice guy.

Live music is a truly wonderful thing. Getting the times, venue and actual act are vital, though. My friend Gemma once went to see a band, but failed to plan her evening properly.

As a result, she missed the band, and had to spend three hours on a deserted train station.

So remember, kids, don’t be like Gemma.

Read the listings. It’s much better that way.

Jazz Attic @ Cafe Jazz 8.00pm, £1.50.

Open mic for Jazz players, with resident rythm section. Whether you sing, blow, suck or just like to watch, you’ll be welcomed with open arms.

Thea Gilmore + Amy Wadge @ Barfly From 7.30pm, £4 An unknown quantity, this one. Having not heard any music by either artist, I can only recommend this night on the basis of the support acts second name. Wadge! Hilarious.

Monday 29/10

Tuesday 30/10

Six by Seven @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.00pm, £8 adv.

It’s like the nineties never happened! Six by Seven, purveyors of mindlessly average pomprock, bring their live ‘show’ to the Welsh Club.

Expect a crowd consisting solely of rabid fans, plus three or four music hacks ligging at the back. Truly woeful.

Bill Bruford’s Earthworks @ St. David’s Hall 8.pm. £8. Adv tickets available.

The aforementioned drummer from Yes and King Crimson re-visits his jazz background. Sounds as appetising as a plate full of sheeps entrails smeared in marmite.

Drift + Snogdog @ Barfly 7.30pm. £3 Hakan Vrasmo + Andrew West @ St. David’s

Meal Deal McCoys Crisps bottle of Coke Sutherland Sandwiches triple pack

All £2.50

Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk

www.cardiffstudents.com GRiP

AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS Starring: Julia Roberts, Billy Crystal, Catherine Zeta-Jones, John Cusack Cert: 12 Some of the finest talent in Hollywood head up the cast for this mediocre movie about move stars lives. So the stars in a film about stars. Sounds great huh! Bit of a chick-flick, so save this until you want to show your sensitive side.

The Cardiff University Film Society in conjunction with UGC Cinemas presents a showing of the cult classic WITHNAIL & I and ActOne’s latest film THE BOY WHO COULD READ MINDS On Thursday 1st November @ 9PM @ UGC CINEMA, Cardiff A regular event taking place to showcase Cardiff Uni’s up-and-coming film makers. A bargain at £1.

E-mail: cardifffilmsociety@hotmail.com

Hall 1.05pm. £4 Top baritone Vrasmo showcases his vocal talent, accompanied by Andrew West on piano.

Third Season + Doc Savage @ Sam’s Bar 8pm. £TBC

Meet at the back of the Union at 5.40pm for training and lessons. All welcome, but please sign up on the noticeboard first.

EVERY TUESDAY Holiday bookings taken in the Meeting Rooms from 6.30pm to 7.30pm.

Wednesday 31/10

Business Careers Society

Damion Rice @ The Toucan Club 8pm, £3 / £2 Hammell on Trial @ The Barfly 7.30pm. £TBC Kirsty Roberts with Jim Barber @ Th Riverbank Hotel 9.00pm. Free.

Thursday 1/11

The Amigos @ Mulligans 8pm, FREE. Not really worth bothering about, but we’re a bit short on Live Music listings. In fact, this whole sentence is merely a ploy to fill up a bit of space. Thanks for reading it. Fool.

Jimjam Jam Session @ The Royal Oak, Broadway 8pm, FREE. Tip-top open mic night, at the coolest pub in the whole of Cardiff. The pub is like a museum, the beer is cheap and tasty, and the music simply marvellous. Go! Gene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £5.

They may be battered, they may be bruised, but they’re still absolutely fucking ace. As anyone who witnessed their acoustic set as part of the recent Radio 2 thing will know, Gene can still cut the mustard live. They’ve also got a marvellous new album to work off, so this should be a treat for all concerned. As Good As It Gets? You bet.

Homegrown @ The Toucan Club 9pm. £3 Live funk with tip-top Toucan regulars.

Friday 2/11

Bacchuss @ The Wharf 8pm, FREE. Mothership Convention @ The Toucan Club 8pm, £5 / £5.50 Funk with a jazzy twist.

Vex Red + Crackout + The Pattern @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6adv.

Saturday 3/11

Marlborough Pad @ The Wharf 8pm, FREE. World Party @ The Toucan Club 8pm, £5 / £5.50

Sunday 4/11

Acoustic Jam @ The Toucan Club 8pm, FREE. A chance for all budding songsters to get up and show off their wares. Alternatively, a chance for talentless twats to play Breakfast at Tiffany’s badly.

Societies It’s great! It’s free! It’s (sort of) new! It’s the societies listings bit! Feel free to send any listings to the Gair Rhydd office via email, post or (if you’re feeling really brave) in person.

Ski and Snowboard Club EVERY MONDAY

FRIDAY 31st OCTOBER Your chance to work smarter and play harder with the Business Careers Society. Things kick off in Bar Cuba at 8pm, with a Halloween twist!

Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Society

EVERY WEDNESDAY (BEGINNING 31st OCTOBER) Come along to the weekly meeting, in meeting room three of the Student’s Union. Things start at 8.30pm. For more info email lgb@cf.ac.uk

Dancesport

EVERY TUESDAY Lessons take place in Solus.

Advanced / Intermediate: 6pm-7pm.

Beginners: 7.10pm-8.30pm.

SHAG Drop In

MONDAY, TUESDAY & FRIDAY 1pm-4pm in the Student Volunteering Centre.

Gair Rhydd

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! Come and write for Gair Rhydd, and let your long suffering Sections Editor get some sleep.

Feel free to pop in and see us in out Media Penthhouse, armed with booze and Pro-Plus.

Seriously, meeting times 2.15pm on Wednesdays for GRiP and 1.15pm on Mondays for News, Sport and Features.

Careers

Get There help you to get you a job! Really!

These dates, meetings and seminars may help.

For exact timings, and venues, log on to the Careers Service websitewww.cardiff.ac.uk/caas. Good luck, children.

Monday 29/10

TALK- Occupational Psychology @ 1.15pm PRESENTATION- Yell.com @ 6pm PRESENTATION- Maersk @ 6pm

Tuesday 30/10

TALK- Working for a Charity @ 1pm TALK- Clinical Psychology Talk @ 1.15pm PRESENTATION- Camerpn McKenna @ 6pm PRESENTATIONInstitute of Chartered Accountants @ 6pm PRESENTATION- EDS @ 6pm

Wednesday 31/10

TALK- IAESTE @ 1.30pm TALK- Broadcast Journalism @ 2pm TALK- Clinical Science @ 3pm PRESENTATION- Teach Abroard with the British Council @ 2pm PRESENTATION- Chase (Medical SAles) @ 2pm

Thursday 1/11

TALK- A Career in Counselling @ 1.15pm TALK- Careers in Social Work/Probation @ 5pm PRESENTATION- RAF Engineering @ 6pm

Friday 2/11

TALK- A Career in EDucational Psychology @ 1.30pm

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booksreviews

Top of the poppies OPIUM: A PORTRAIT OF THE HEAVENLY DEMON Barbara Hodgson (Souvenir Press)

Where it really gets interesting is in the final two chapters. The first of which offers a fairly detailed description of the evolution of the phenomenon of the Chinatown and opium’s part therein. The numerous accounts of opium dens tend to bring to mind those sequences in SHOULD THE Taliban step up opium Tintin. Such is the evocative power of the production, Tony Blair may wish to put this mystical poppy. Many of these identify Canton timely tome next to his copy of the Koran which as a centre of the opium world. That’s Canton he’s lately become so fond of flashing. Reas in the Chinese port, but others may released and handsomely presented, this disagree. largely pictorial record is a diverting, if slight Also worthwhile is the short detailing of read. The information contained is a perhaps opium’s eventual criminalisation, which superficial collation of historical notes and involved Chinese smokers suffering part of literary anecdotes but the features which really their lips being cut out to prevent future justify it are the indulgence. You lavish and often may also detect Canton is the centre of lurid pictures the hypocrisy of the opium world. That’s culled from British Eastern Canton as in the Chinese the government, who postcards, port, but others may reaped the staged benefits of disagree photographs controlling the and newspaper opium trade across the globe, while lithographs. Most entertaining are the pulpmaintaining hysterical aversion to it at home. fiction jacket illustrations, with their titillating Very little, it could be said, has changed. concoctions recalling Reefer Madness! Type On a lighter note, there is an amusing paranoia, such as ‘It Ain’t Hay’, ‘H is for Heroin’ section on everyday medicines containing and ‘Their Last Weapon; Her Majesty the drugs, which persisted until the twentieth Drug!’. century. Notable, is the use of Pope Leo XIII to Opium charts the origins in the poppy, its advertise the coca-laced Mariani Wine. In fact, popularisation in the East and attempts to give he found it such an enlightening tonic that he some account of the drug’s widely enjoyed had a medal of his effigy struck to present to effects. The data here is pretty scant and the manufacturers. And any writer who deals somewhat disappointing regarding its narcotic with this subject and spares us our millionth appeal. Instead the author errs dangerously reminder that Coca-Cola used to contain (yes) close to unqualified damnation. cocaine should be thanked.

Somewhat better is the latter half of the Opium, it seems, is the religion of some. Is it book, concerning ‘The Writer’s Muse’ which too facile to suggest that the present war finally offers a general if varied collection of opium’s proves the maxim that religion is the opium of influence in literature. Indeed, a reader may get the people? Yes, yes it is. Ah well, at least I the impression that the author performs an got through the review without pretending to be almost volte face on the benefits/perils of the Will Self. That really would be decadence. drug.

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High-brow prose

05

O

NCE UPON a time, a story would called a book Dope. Jean-Paul Sartre would involve only the cleanest of clean-cut consume fifty barbiturates and a bottle of characters, who would save the brandy a day whilst writing books on the day/make good/die in tragic circumstances existential questions of humanity. (Interestingly, stimulated solely by ginger beer, scotch eggs his lover, the leading feminist Simone de and a half-pint of mild ale. Even the villains Beauvior, ran away with Nelson Algren, who were careful not to sully was to write the visceral The their bad names – even Man with the Golden Arm, a the worst of them quailed shocking portrait of heroin at the thought of anything addiction.) Aldous Huxley’s stronger than cherry The Doors of Perception brand tobacco. and Brave New World were Nowadays, the book to influence many writers in reeks of skunk before you the coming decades, open the pages, and although, as with Herman certain publishers will not Hesse and Tolkein, he found accept copy unless its the attentions of hippies author can prove that s/he rather bemusing. wrote whilst under the Meanwhile, across the influence of a monster Atlantic, one William Seward drugs cocktail. What Burroughs III was tending to happened to literature, the his crops – marijuana and supposedly respectable tomatoes – in Texas. and noble art form?

Perhaps more than any The fact is that ever other writer, his name is since the arrival of the almost essentially linked novel (in English literature with drug abuse. His first at least), substance abuse publication was Junky, the and creative writing have endpapers of Naked Lunch FICTION: More tea, vicar? gone hand in hand. contain a paper for The Perhaps the most famous British Journal of Addiction, early examples of this trend were Samuel and every book you read of his will have some Coleridge and Thomas de Quincey, rivals and allusion to his lifelong and hated heroin habit. drug addicts. The former, sitting at home one His austere manner and appearance sent a night in an opiated haze, began to visualise a shiver down the spine of Middle America – here brilliant vision of an Oriental city. As he was a respectable WASP, a Harvard graduate, expounded on its glorious details, a travelling turning to drugs and homosexuality for salesman knocked at the door. The salesman’s recreation and a way of life. In fact, much like persistence was rewarded, and he spent an the decadent Victorians, the Beat writers hour’s hard sell with the reluctant poet. After seemed inseparable from mind-altering the salesman left, Coleridge found he could substances, whether they actually indulged in remember only a fraction of the vision, which them or not. The so-called permissive society went on to become the epic poem Kubla Kahn. included a blossoming of illegal habits, De Quincy, by contrast, scandalised the chemical or not, despite the fact that these early nineteenth century with his Confessions moral panics had been endemic in society for of an English Opium Eater, in which he decades. The underground, such as Alex describes his rapturous hallucinations and the Trocchi and Harold Norse, merely drank or shot lengths to which he must go in order to satisfy up and carried on as usual. his addiction. His work was later translated into Finally, we come to the heirs of this dubious French by Baudelaire, who, whilst not a regular drugs crown. With the usage of alcohol and opium smoker, did become addicted to cannabis reported as high within all walks of laudanum, a medicine that became the disease society, it is not at all surprising that the role of rather than the cure. Indeed, anyone who was drugs in literature has slipped from that of anyone in literature in the latter part of the direct stimulus, plot centrepiece, or character nineteenth century had at least one drug of framework, to a position where they are merely habitual choice – from Rimbaud to Wilde, to part of the furniture of the scene. When a book is written with drugs as an important aspect of the plot, great care must be taken to avoid such references becoming cheap titillation. Irvine Welsh’s seminal novels Trainspotting and The Acid House are example of good modern drug writing, but only because these tales and routines work well in the first place. Sadly, though, both Welsh and Will Self have become victims of their own coolness, unable to be considered in the public eye without the BURROUGHS (left) and COLERIDGE: Took wall-melting light of drugs and wrote books. Beat that. chemical intoxication.

Ultimately, the Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Jules Verne. depiction or use of drugs within literature is just The artistic enfants terrible of the new as relevant as any other subject or quantity. century were also in on the scene. Jean Despite moral or medical objections to drug Cocteau recoursed to his many experiences use, the fact remains that it is part of our with absinthe and opium to provide images in society, and has been for a long time. Writing books and films. Aleistar Crowley wrote Diary about drugs allows a dialogue to take place, of a Drug Fiend in 1922, and by the time of his and the reader may be both entertained and death in 1947 his daily dose of heroin was educated, possibly at the same time. We can enough to kill most addicts. have both the Dionysiac voices of Hunter S. The more traditional types of writing were Thomson and Lester Bangs and the moral not left out: Sax Rohmer, author of the Fu overtones of Coleridge and M. Agynev – the Manchu stories, worte almost exclusively about choice is yours. Just say “er, hang on, I’ll be opium dens and “the yellow peril” – he even with you in a minute”. David Gates

29.10.01

g gamesreviews

FACE OFF

06

Welcome to the games battle of the game shows – Who Wants to be a Millionaire versus The Weakest Link

In the Red Corner, in the ginger wig and specs it’s ANNE ROBINSON! And in the Blue Corner, with the stupid grin and Calvin Klein trunks it’s CHRIS TARRANT!

LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE

Down the clink

Anne Robinson: Harsh.

THE WEAKEST LINK Activision (PS)

L

IKE FIFTEEN to One and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? before it, The Weakest Link needs no introduction. It was ITV who first captured the nation’s mood for the high risk, get rich quick gameshow. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, presented by the patronising and desperately unfunny Chris Tarrant, was an instant hit, get the question right and double your money, get it wrong and loose virtually all of it. It was only a matter of time before the BBC went on the counter offensive, and the result, trailing insults and catch phrases in it’s wake, was The Weakest Link.

The format of the program is a simple one, a team of seven people take it in turns to answer questions to trying to collect as much money as possible as they go. But human nature being what it is, doesn’t just want to see people succeeding, it wants to see people fail. So at the end of every round, the contestants get the chance to fuck over one of their team, and send them packing without any of the hard won money. Cue snide comments from po-faced ice bitch Anne Robinson, and then if you’re lucky some form of retaliation from the unlucky

contestant, who tries get their own back on the team, but usually just comes off sounding like a child having a tantrum. And that’s it. Like ITV’s Millionaire, it’s a popular formula, having conquered British TV, they were both shipped around the world, to much acclaim, but with The Weakest Link for the Playstation, have the BBC taken it too far? Without a doubt, yes.

The great thing about the TV show is the spontaneity, you watch Millionaire to see how much money they finally get, but you watch The Weakest Link not to see people win, but to see people stab each other in the back and then whine bitterly about it. You just can’t put millions of years of mankind’s arrogance and selfishness into a computer game, it’s like having sex with an inflatable doll or listening to a Victoria Beckham album, soulless and completely unnecessary. OK, so the TV show it isn’t, but surely it’s still good fun? Nope. This game has absolutely no justification for its existence, except to make money for the BBC. The game play is fairly tedious (just answering multiple choice questions and banking now and again) and is constantly interrupted by video clips of Anne Robinson and voiceovers, which take an age to load, and although faithful to television, really are an annoying waste of time.

There is one saving grace to the game, the multiplayer mode, which allows seven people to play together, your own Weakest Link show.

This is about as close to the actual program as you’ll get with this game, mainly because it’s up to you and your mates to gang up on each other, and fight it out to the end. But even this has problems, only two controllers being passed round, while the clock ticks, it just gets complicated.

All in all, the game is shoddy and appears rushed. Discrepancies appear between what Anne Robinson is saying and what is presented on screen, you can’t personalise your characters, the game play is slow and tedious, and ultimately, what is the point? It’s hardly as if you can type in your bank details when you win, and the BBC will direct debit the ten thousand pounds into your account over night. If you really want to tax your mind and win some dosh, take your hard-earned money and stick it in the Countdown machine in the Tav, it would be a much better investment. As for this nasty little piece of work, you guessed it; it is the weakest link, goodbye! Rob Jackson

Same again Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? 2nd Edition Eidos (Playstation/PC)

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NCESSANT SMUGNESS, a stupid laugh, catchphrases that would have Mr Chips reaching for the Valium and the biggest smile in Cheshire. Not a great deal to pad your C.V. out is it Mr. Tarrant? Whether or not the same degree of annoyance is a prerequisite for the remaining multitude of Millionaire presenters scattered across the globe, us Brits are stuck with the Tizwaz embarrassment. And (strangely enough) the show just wouldn’t be the same without him.

With the latest batch of new questions being released in the second edition of the hit show’s pixillated partner, we can all once again welcome in the fun of winning no money at all on both the Playstation and the PC. Although actually inviting the harmless goofball into your house may be akin to organising a house party for bible salesmen, this is exactly what Eidos feel we need.

Not content with their last mind-numbing offering of the game, the franchise marches on with Chris Tarrant continuing to ask all the questions. Although searching for the ultimate in Millionaire realism, this edition is neither welcome nor an improvement. Other features like the new ‘virtual’ audience and the music strive to achieve the same end, as do the ten new ‘friends’ you can phone. All seem to have been plucked from the most diverse areas of the countries and the melting-pot of regional accents that ensues is arguably the game’s most amusing feature. ‘Westcountry Bob’ is not a man you’d trust to hold your pint, let alone lead you through the promise land to the £32,000 milestone.

We are also treated to video clips that rotate round the studio between questions and an audience of mannequins who clap like seals at a cabaret. These do in fact (bizarrely) give some vague impression that you are on the show and not just in your front room, but again we hit the old stumbling block.

On TV the show works. If you’re on it, then the tension and pressures put on you are predictably immense. Even for those watching

THE NEWS COCK ...With Special Guest Cock Osama Bin Laalaa, Evil Terrorist who’s Surprisingly well-informed about Gaming News: “Mumm-ra! Hear Me now. Osama Bin Laalaa’s the name, hiding’s the game. But I play other games- like Mah-jong and Gran Turismo.”

“This week, Microsoft has announced the European release date of its X-Box console. The latest glint in Bill Gates’ eye

will be

available from March 14 at a price of £299.”

“Meanwhile, rumours have spread that Nintendo’s Gamecube won’t be out until June.

In the meantime, if like me you don’t want the postman to deliver a Gamecube from Japan to your cave, then you can play a mini version of SEGA’s Monkeylicious Super Monkey Ball at http://score.sega.com/games/supermonkey ball/contest/.”

“If there’s gonna be just one thing to cure my hatred of Westerners, its gonna be a monkey based action game.”

at home there’s the delight of seeing real people gambling with their fortunes and future happiness, all from the comfort of their sofa. But strip this tension away, as this ‘winner takes nothing’ effort does so well, and you’re left with very little bar a purple set and a long list of tedious GCSE multiple-choice teasers. Of course, people don’t expect to actually win a million on their PC, (believe me – ‘Print Screen’ doesn’t work when the cheque pops-up) but in the same way Eidos can’t expect us to keep falling for the same flat, dull experience time and again.

The forthcoming PS2 version includes the hideous prospect of a ‘virtual Chris Tarrant’, who’ll mumble away before your very eyes, but for the Playstation and PC, even less effort has spent on ‘improvements’.

The team and head-to-head options may (very) briefly kill time with some mates and the fact that questions are no longer repeated until all one thousand have been asked does cut down on some of it’s predecessors annoyance, but as a game this will never work better than a bottomless boat. Watch on TV by all means.

Even play it in the pub for a laugh but just don’t flatter Eidos for this sorry excuse for entertainment. Don’t give them any money as, in these versions at least, they won’t be giving you any. James Morley.

TARRANT: with power chair

CHARTMASTER MAN ALIVE! This is what’s selling like proverbial hot cakes.

Actually, have you ever bought a cake a) hot or b) cold. If you answered b) then- WHEN? WHERE? WHY? Its madness.

Anyway...

TOP 10 ALL FORMATS CHART 1. (=) CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER: 01/02 (PC, Eidos) 2 (NE) TIME CRISIS 2 (PS2, Namco) 3. (2) THIS IS FOOTBALL 2002 (PS2, Sony) 4. (NE) C&C RED ALERT 2: YURI'S REVENGE (PC, EA) 5. (3) MARIO KART: SUPER CIRCUIT (GBA, Nintendo) 6. (NE) SPY HUNTER (PS2, Midway) 7. (11) GRAN TURISMO 3 (PS2, Sony) 8. (5) RESIDENT EVIL - CODE: VERONICA (PS2, Capcom) 9. (4) THE ITALIAN JOB (PS, Sci) 10 (7) TONY HAWK'S PRO SKATER 2 (N64/DC,

artsreviews

Reality bites THE REAL THING Bristol Old Vic Theatre Company New Theatre

The Real Thing is another fine example of Tom Stoppard’s expert craftmanship. He is, of course, the playwright responsible for the very famous Shakespeare in Love and Rosencrantz and Gildenstern Are Dead. This play deals primarily with the subject of love, and a writer’s inability to express it clearly. Neil Pearson, best known for his role in Drop the Dead Donkey’ plays the part of Henry, a successful playwright.

playing the lead, starring opposite Annie’s husband (Michael Lumsden). From this point on, both marriages break down and Henry and Annie move in together.

However, their love is plagued by jealousy, placing their relationship in jeopardy. The events of the play transpire accompanied by a popular 60’s soundtrack. The cast was relatively good, but it was Pearson who surpassed expectations, with a truly remarkable performance.

The first act is infused with Stoppard’s astute wit, and lays the foundations for the explosive second half. Jealousy proves to be the catalyst for this outburst; the all-consuming emotion poisons Henry’s relationships, forcing him to

The cast was relatively good, but it was Pearson who surpassed expectations with a truly remarkable performance Henry believes in the traditional sense of romantic love, as opposed to Annie (Geraldine Alexander), his lover, who has a more modern, and perhaps sceptical outlook.

The play opens with a scene from Henry’s latest production. His wife (Marsha Fitzalan) is

CAPTAIN CORELLI’S MANDOLIN Sherman Theatre

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ike Maran’s adaptation of Captain Corelli’s Mandolin for the stage is nothing short of a narrative masterpiece. Set on the Greek Island of Cephalonia, this stage variation tells the story of a small community which is invaded by German and Italian soldiers during the Second World War. The production centres largely on the love affair between the beautiful young Pelagia and the charming Captain Antonio Corelli, , played by the balding, round and jolly Maran, an Italian officer based in Cephalonia.

The production opens magically with the melodious sound of the mandolin, played with bittersweet emotion, grace and poise, by Alison Stephens who is heralded as being the finest player in the U.K. Anne Evans accompanies her on the flute and piano, and together they make music which conjures up feelings of elation at one moment and grief the next.

The story is narrated with great confidence and ease, by Mike Maran who deserves more than the tag of being ‘balding, round and jolly’. Maran is undoubtedly a brilliant storyteller, the kind you enjoy as a child. And although he may not have Penelope Cruz’s dazzling figure or that softspoken Spanish voice, his dialogue delivery is simply amazing. Dressed in a starched white shirt and trousers, an army green waistcoat and brown sandals, Maran leans forward and makes a long, lingering kissing noise symbolising Pelagia embracing Captain Corelli. He narrates the

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explore what it is to love. Is love about ‘knowing and being known,’ is it about loving someone at their worst, or is it about loving someone enough to let them go? What is ‘the real thing’?

In this way we are shown the problem of defining love.

story at a constant pace trying to hide his heavy Scottish accent when imitating Limoni – a Greek girl of 6 years. His voice is nevertheless soothing as he says romantically, ‘Love is what is left after being in love has faded away’.

The audience was thoroughly entertained as Maran rushed up and down the cosy stage returning with amusing props such as Corelli’s choir boys which were actually wooden puppet heads, whose mouths Maran would manoeuvre in time with his own singing. Laughter was further encouraged as Maran took great pleasure in frequently referring to Mandras’ (Pelagia’s fiancé) injured bottom.

Unfortunately, we aren’t lucky enough to get a glimpse of any naked body parts, as we did in the movie but of course we’re all more interested in flawless narration aren’t we?

A small and inviting stage provided the backdrop for an equally small but well accomplished cast. It is quite astonishing when one realises how convincingly three individuals can tell a story so beautifully, in sharp contrast to the film version which would surely have required plenty more hands in cooking the soup. As the saying goes – ‘Too many cooks spoil the broth’ – and despite the fact that the movie was brilliant, the stage adaptation is quite an experience in itself.

Maran’s exceptional narration from the heart, complemented by Stephens and Evans musical flair takes you on an eventful journey of passion, illusion and human emotion that will provide that little bit of relaxation needed after a long day of lectures, and certainly enliven your evening.

Vandana Chatlani

Stoppard displays his own difficulty in writing the play through the struggle Henry faces on stage. It encourages the audience to question the medium of writing when it comes to the emotion of love. Is is possible to pin it down, without the use of stereotypes? Can we really reflect its depth and gravity, through language? In this way, the play questions the value of words. Therefore, the fact that Stoppard’s words have a powerful impact on the audience help confirm the worth of language. For Stoppard, language is sacred; language has the power to incite change. However, it is only those with the ability to manipulate words who are able to obtain this power.

Throughout the

07 play Henry is an eloquent speaker, placing him firmly in the position of control. He is contrasted with the graceless and uneducated Brodie, full of ideas, but without the means to express them. In this way we see that life creates art, where the writer’s inner world takes form in his work. At the same time we are also shown how art mirrors life, thus blurring the distinction. So where reality ends, fiction has already begun, demonstrating the way in which life and art remain inextricably bound together.

Ben Hammond

Streets ahead 42ND STREET Orbit Theatre Company New Theatre

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ased on the classic movie musical of the same name in 1993, 42nd Street re-enacts the timeless tale of young, gifted and broke hopefuls all wanting to make it big in Hollywood. In particular, one small-town girl, Peggy, is starry-eyed and full of dreams of seeing her name in bright neon lights on Broadway.

However, her dreams are soon shattered when the show’s director tells Peggy the harsh realities of showbiz and prompts her to quit dreaming. Not easily beaten, Peggy is adamant her talented feet will shuffle her to Hollywood and make her a star.

It does not take a genius to conclude what happens in the end, as it follows the typical Hollywood musical formula of the happy ending and a neat equilibriums the audience leaves with that ‘feel good factor’.

As the curtain lifts up to introduce those ‘Dancing Feet’ and stops at knee-level, there is a moment of anticipation and excitement as the expectations of the audience are raised to a crescendo. Here we are introduced to the chorus girls and boys who are at the auditions for the new Broadway musical hit-in-themaking, ‘Pretty Lady’.

The cast is pretty small, but large enough to create that glamourous, glitzy, camp appeal which make musicals such cult classics. This is an amateur production from the Orbit Theatre, a local Cardiff-based theatre company. It has been running since 1968 and as a registered charity it relies on sponsorship to raise the necessary funds required to make the shows possible.

42nd Street is an enthusiastic attempt at creating that big-budget production minus the big budget. There is some bittersweet irony to be enjoyed from this musical as the Orbit cast seem to share the same dreams of stardom as the characters they play.

On the whole, the cast worked extremely well together and created an excellent atmosphere. They did not confuse the Brechtian aspect of 42nd Street as the lines were clearly defined between the play-withinthe-play and the actual musical. As a result, the theatre was full to the brim, and everyone

left the theatre singing and shuffling their way out; the perfect way to deal with a horrible, rainy Monday evening!

If you’re not a fan of musicals, then a video and take-away would probably make a more productive night, as the catchy songs may end up catching a nerve, and the endless routines can become routine! If, however, you are a fan of musicals and the theatre in general, then this would be a top recommendation as amateur dramatics have come a very long way. 42nd Street is proof of this and enough of a reason to support local and national theatre productions.

Nada Al-Sanjari

filmreviews/competition/profile

Crappy Creepers Easy JEEPERS CREEPERS Starring: Justin Long, Gina Philips, Jonathan Breck, Patricia Belcher Dir: Victor Salva 15, 90 mins

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LTHOUGH SLIGHTLY dubious about the title of this film, I entered the cinema with an open-mind as I had been promised that this was one of the best US horror movies of the last 10 years.

The film began with the main characters Darry and Trish, played by Gina Phillips and Justin Long, engaging in some typical sibling banter when out of nowhere they become victims of road rage.

Obviously the perpetrator of this sudden attack turns out to be the killer, however if at this point you are getting visions of the usual masked, cloaked figure, who ends up being one of the victims lifelong friends, then stop right there.

This killer is cloaked but the similarities end here and instead this inventive character reveals himself as a repulsive green demon with bat-like wings. In short, the whole film is made up of this ludicrous creature going on the hunt for people with the right ‘scent’.

If you were wondering the significance

of what I felt was a rather poor title, the song Jeepers Creepers is supposed to pre-empt horrible events for the pair and should subsequently act as a warning.

In its favour the film didn’t follow the predictable teen horror movie formula that has graced our screens on more than the odd occasion.

The plot, though far-fetched in parts, left me in anticipation of what was coming

next. A psychic, a church basement filled with preserved corpses and a swearing granny who owned over a hundred cats, not to mention a large fire arm – just a taste of what to expect from the rather animated story-line.

The film began with surprising potential and made me jump in all the right places but this ultimately tacky horror film quickly

lapsed into something more laughable than scary. One scene shows the bloodsucking, flesh-chewing monster ripping out the heart of an unsuspecting police officer.

Amazingly, once the unsavoury deed had been done the victim is capable of examining the large hole in his body, where his heart once was, before proceeding to collapse and die!

To sum up, perhaps rather cynically, the whole fiasco could have been avoided if Darry and Tricia had done what any normal person had done and not traced the steps of a potential psycho!

The film was unexpectedly short and though the performance of the actors was not bad I wouldn’t hold your breath for any Oscars on this one.

I felt this film was rather disappointing as are many hyped-up horror films such as The Blair Witch Project and Scream 2 and 3, to name but a few.

So maybe it didn’t live up to its promising blockbuster status but I suppose it was mildly entertaining, though I don’t recommend it is one to rush out and see. Rebecca Pollard I have to add that this movie really scared me, but it was summed up by someone behind me in the cinema who said as we left, “That scared the shit out of me during the film, but now I realise it was the film that was shit”. Film Ed

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Money

This week there is yet more movie stuff to win. We have the usual five pairs of cinema tickets to give away thanks to the people at the UGC cinema in Cardiff, but also some Jeepers Creepers stuff including T-shirts and sticky eyeballs that you can throw against the wall and watch run down, get carpet fluff on and then never work again. Nice.

Simply answer the question below and e-mail your name, course and answer to: grfilmdesk@hotmail.com with ‘Film Competition 703’ in the subject line.

What are the two main characters in the movie Jeepers Creepers called? (a) Richard and Judy (b) Darry and Trish (c) Osama and George Last weeks answer: (b) Atlantis Last weeks winners: Sophie Flood, Heng Sue Yin, Victoria Clarke, Ed Holmes, Jessica Harris. Please come into the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor Weekly Film of the Union to collect your tickets.

Competition Please bring your passport, drivers licence, two recent utility bills, your yellow enrolment form, two in association with character references from doctors, your NUS card with a blue dot on it and a 10,000 word essay titled “Is the Identity Card a good idea, and will it help prevent terrorism?”. Then you’ll get your tickets.

gairrhydd

THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Frances McDormand, Adam Alexi-Malle Dir: Joel Coen 15, 116 mins

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HE COEN’S have done it again. Continuing their trend of echoing American crime writers, Raymond Chandler (The Big Lebowski), and Dashiell Hammett (Miller's Crossing), in this case it is James M.Cain which provides the inspiration, most noticeably in his interest in people's day-to-day life, and the deadly triangles that are formed. While previous silver screen incarnations of Cain's work such as The Postman Always Rings Twice have toned down his distinct finale's, the Coen’s have stayed true to his style right through to the end as the deceit and whirlwind of bitter ironies encircle the hero.

This film tells the tale of barber Ed Crane (Billy Bob Thornton) who is content to keep to himself and tolerate his wife's affair with her boss. Occasionally committing to a several brief random schemes or crusades, on the whole he remains largely uninvolved and detached,

happy to just let the world pass him by.

He is surrounded by people, yet exists as an outsider on the edge of society, and refuses to pass judgement on any of the characters in his life, despite the ills they may have caused him.

Shot in stark black and white, this has given the Coen brothers, together with their faithful director of photography Roger Deakins the opportunity to create striking visuals and use the shadows to conjure up a sensational run of shots that can only be described as living art. This also helps to give the film a chilly overtone, which fits in perfectly with the films mood, and the expressionless, colourless character that Ed is.

The Coens have once again proved their talent for selecting an excellent cast, with Billy Bob Thornton delivering a career best as the passive barber, with a cigarette constantly burning between his lips he casts the ultimate pulp image, and arguably brings to life one of the best Coen characters to date, rivaling even Francis McDormand's (who plays Ed's wife in this film) pregnant cop in Fargo.

The film does falter slightly in it's drop of action halfway through the film after a witty and interesting start, but the story saves itself before reaching the point of boring stagnation, and works it's way to a truly bittersweet climax.

If The Big Lebowski, Fargo and O Brother, Where Art Thou? represented an attempt to gain mainstream acceptance by the Coen brothers, this film is could be taken as an effort to recapture the brilliance and root audience who hailed Blood Simple as a ray of light in an un-orginal, market orientated movie world. If you are one of those people, you will enjoy this film.

If not, see this film anyway, and realise the genius of the Coens (oh..and keep and eye out for the trademark spinning disc).

David Crowley

Director Profile: The Coen Brothers

Coen’s do it again A

lthough only Joel Coen is credited with having directed this weeks excellent film noir homage, The Man Who Wasn’t There, his works cannot be analysed properly if his brother Ethan is not also considered. Joel, as a director, has an extremely rare amount of freedom to stylise his films in his own personal vision without the dictatorial controls of a financially anxious producer preventing him. Fortunately, each film he has directed has been both cowritten and produced

by Ethan, who shares his creative aspirations. Over the years this has enabled Joel to maintain his personal and unique style which other directors, most recently Tim Burton, have had to discard because of production interference. Because of this independence the brothers have gathered great respect from both critics and serious film fans alike, making Joel one of contemporary cinemas most individual and recognisable directors.

Joel and Ethan were born on November the 29 1954 and September the 21 1957 respectively. They were educated at the same school but Joel went on to New York University to study film. He first moved into serious film-making when he became assistant editor to his close friend Sam Raimi, in Evil Dead. Since then the Coen’s have become infamous for their blend of wry humour, thoughtful eccentricity, witty irony, and reworking of the film noir style in such ‘crime gone wrong’ films as The Big Lebowski, Raising Arizona and Miller’s Crossing. Their works have also assisted the careers of cult actors such as Steve Buscemi, John Turtorro and John Goodman. After working together regularly, Joel married Frances McDormand, who won a Best Actress Oscar for her presentation of a pregnant police officer in Fargo.

Although the brothers made their film debut in 1984 with Blood Simple, they would not achieve widespread commercial success until the release of Fargo in 1996. This was maintained by the releases of The Big Lebowski and the more recent O Brother, Where Art Thou? and will probably continue this week with their latest, the Billy Bob Thornton led The Man Who Wasn’t There. Neil Blain

filmreview/profiles

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Another ghost film THE OTHERS Starring: Nicole Kidman, Fionnula Flanagon, Christopher Eccleston Dir: Alejandro Amenabar 12, 101 mins

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Actor Profile: Nicole Kidman

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ICOLE KIDMAN is thought to be one of Australia’s finest exports. But she was actually born on the 20 June 1967, in Honolulu, Hawaii. She didn’t move to Australia until she was four years old.

On moving to Australia, Nicole started ballet, and at the age of ten had started drama school. At fourteen, she landed her first professional role as Petra in the TV movie Bush Christmas, an uplifting story of three dauntless kids who join with an Aborigine to hunt the thieves who stole their horse. This role was shortly followed by a part in BMX Bandits and then a TV series Winners.

Her major career breakthrough came in 1986, when she was offered the lead in the TV mini-series Vietnam. This role opened many doors for Nicole as it led to her getting an American agent.

After a few more small, virtually unheard of parts in minor productions, Nicole was offered the female lead in Dead Calm opposite Sam Neil, and it was this film which offered her international recognition. Her portrayal of the thirty-something Rae Ingram was utterly convincing – despite the fact that Nicole herself was only 19.

Nicole continued acting for the next couple of years and in 1990 was teamed up with Tom Cruise in a part specifically designed for her in Days of Thunder. Tom was married at the time but he divorced before the film was finished and he and Nicole moved in together after filming ended. On the 24 December 1990, they married in Colorado. The marriage was so secret that the couple have had to put up with many rumours and gossip since then. In 1992, the couple starred together again in Far and Away. She then had parts in Malice and My Life alongside great actors such as Bill Pullman, Michael Keaton and Alec Baldwin. But she still wasn’t completely accepted in the US and she starred in 1995 with Val Kilmer in Batman Forever. It wasn’t until she starred as the fame obsessed in the black comedy To Die For. The role as a smalltown wannabe celebrity who pushed her teenage lover to kill her husband earned a Golden Globe and many critics awards.

In 1996, Nicole starred in the period drama Portrait of a Lady with John Malkovich and then after a short break she took up the role of a nuclear weapons expert in The Peacemaker with George Clooney, which she agreed to do because she saw it as light relief after the emotionally draining Portrait of a Lady.

The most controversial of Nicole’s films has been the third film in which she stars with her husband. Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut (1999) was shrouded in secrecy.The continual rumours about Tom’s sexuality have dogged the Tom and Nicole since their wedding, and flared up again this year when one of Hollywood’s most secure couples separated. On 8 August 2001, the divorce was finalised.

Nicole teamed up with fellow Australian Baz Luhrmann this year for the musical Moulin Rouge. This has been possibly her most risky film to date, with the need for her to dance and sing, alongside Ewan McGregor. But she fulfilled the requirements of the part, playing the alluring courtesan to perfection. Despite the turbulent last few months, Nicole has firmly established herself as one of Hollywood’s biggest stars. Her next two films Birthday Girl and The Others promise to take her even further. Kate Shaw

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uestion. What would you get if The Sixth Sense had been made as a period drama? Well, you’d get The Others. Spanish director Alejandro Amenábar’s first English language mainstream offering takes an old-school traditional ghost story and sets it against the dark and confusing backdrop of 1940s post-war Jersey. This picture may share many a plot point with M. Night Shymalan’s sensational shocker, from the eerie looking kiddies who ‘see dead people’, to the token ‘sting in the tail’ twist ending, but it doesn’t share any of the quality.

Now, before you get all horrified and angrily turn the page, I am not going to give the twist away! I hate that and I’m sure you do too. What I am going to do however is tell you right from the start that this film is no Sixth Sense, in fact it barely tingled my spine at all.

Overbearing Catholic mother Grace (Kidman) is left alone in her extensive and secluded mansion with her two inherently strange children, Anne and Nicholas. Not only that but the children are allergic to light meaning she can barely leave the perpetually darkened house, a situation exacerbated by the mysterious disappearance of her servants.

When three new aides pop up unexpectedly on her doorstep,

Grace’s attention is drawn to the unusual behaviour of her children who seem to be oddly in-tune with weird goings on throughout the house. A peculiar non-coherent sub-plot dealing with the issue of Grace’s husband Charles (Eccleston), still unaccounted for after leaving for war a year and a half ago, also raises its head.

Director Amenábar has a history of writing and directing stories that challenge us and our fears, death in particular, so it is a natural choice that he create a tale that deals with a haunting, interestingly combining a supernatural paradox with intense religious beliefs, making the unexplained all the more unexplainable.

Even though this film has all the markers of a classic British chiller there is an undeniable European feel in the set up of the shots.

Curious and unconventional the camera angles take you flowing along hallways, twisting up through stairs and thundering around the impressive internal and external sets, there is a liquidity of motion absent from certain British movies that tackle the same sort of subject. But unfortunately, fancy film making aside, this movie is lacking the bond with the cinema-goer that makes watching the film a compulsion rather than just a means of passing time. The unintentionally comedic performances of the two young thesps playing the children is quirky yet believable, turning scenes that intended shrieks into scenes infused with unfortunate sniggers.On the other hand I suppose it’s a reasonably decent way to spend an hour and a half as long as your expectations aren’t too high as the chills are preciously few and far between.

Beth Kenure and Sarita Arthur

Director Interview: Alejandro Amenabar Sarita Arthur and Beth Kenure, from The Dorchester, London

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ith no expense spared, Gair Rhydd flew us up to London to interview the director of The Others, Alejandro Amenbar. Munching cucumber sandwiches in the elegant surroundings of The Dorchester, we were shown through to meet the main man.

Sitting across the room from a man known in the Spanish speaking world for his horror and thriller films, I shake my head. Alejandro Amenbar doesn’t fit the image of a man concocting up stories of women being tortured to death, as in his film Tesis. Although he does deserve respect.

At 31, Amenbar has composed seven films, written six and directed five. Many of these are horror films.

As a kid Amenbar describes himself as a "silly scared child", scared of everything. Always surrounding himself with people, but still writing stories about ghosts and old houses. As a teenager he had a fetish for horror films. He sees these films as a good way to get his views across to the public. "(Ghosts are just an) excuse to talk about other things – like relationships and the dark side of the family, or the way children are taught, whether it is correct or not." Amenbar feels that intense feeling in the audience creates vulnerability, but still leaves the audience safely behind the screen.

The Others, for which he learnt English in order to direct, could safely be described as a typical ghost story with it’s old wooden staircases, creepy corridors, organ music and an ever-present fog. The ending could be criticised by some for being over-used lately, however Amenbar stresses the importance of the conclusion. He explains how he marks out where he wants the film to go and builds the story from that starting point. This set-up is clearly seen in the film.

Amenbar’s background explains what is probably the main message behind the film.

Brought up in a strict Catholic boarding school

made him come to hate the indoctrination of children with beliefs of right and wrong, heaven and hell.

The isolation and scene where the mother, Grace, is the children’s only source of influence is created by the children’s sensitivity to light. Shielded from outside influence Grace can safely and without interference put across her dogmatic, Catholic beliefs onto her children. But Grace is forced to change her opinions, leaving her in a state Amenbar calls "puzzlement", knowing that you do not have the answer. It is in this state that Amenbar wants to leave his audience, leaving with them Agnosticism as "a means to face the next century".

29.10.01

musicalbums EINSTURZENDE NEUBAUTEN 1991-2001 (Mute) PERHAPS THE only inspired moments of the recent Mummy films was the casting of Blixa Bargeld as the voice of the Mummy.

You may also know him as mullet-king Cave’s perennial sidekick.

And this is his band, celebrating their unlikely 20th anniversary.

Presented as a double CD, covering 10 years fraught work, it clocks in at over 2 hours. Value for money then. Ever evolving, ever innovative, it’s an astonishing collection of work for studio, installation space, stage and screen.

Strangely cohesive, it’s an incredible soundscape. Germinating from Berlin, this may truly be called Stories from the City (sorry Polly). Many tracks are highly mechanical with repetitive metallics, others consist of ethereal drones such as Anrufe in Abwesenheit, composed of interference from mobile phones.

Nowhere is this highlighted more than the wonderful and cheeky Silence is Sexy, where Bargeld’s monotonous vocals give way to periods of, well, silence, the whole track built on the sound of a cigarette being lit. Which is great in my book, though not everyone’s admittedly. EN have a book, which they construct into a motorised hi-hat. They also play guitars with hammers and er, recreate the Gulf War in the studio.

FLANGER Outer Space / Inner Space (Ninja Tune)

OUTER SPACE / Inner Space is the third collaboration between two German producers with strange names: Atom Heart and Burnt Friedman. They have ostracised themselves in Chile to cultivate their own sound away from the distractions of the European electronic scene. The results are definitely worth hearing.

Both attack the project from different angles. Atom has a history of Industrial Dance and Techno whereas Friedman has long been involved in ambient, dub and jazz shenanigans.

Together they develop a unique concoction, blurring genres and posing questions as to what is real and what is artificial in music.

Electronic programming and virtuoso ‘real’ performances converge and collide. The result has a strong jazz flavour with syncopated beats and refreshingly quirky timings. ‘Real’ instruments do play a strong role but they are always served with a quality electronically altered seasoning.

The eight tracks roam around with abstract openings before getting their teeth into a solid groove which is developed and subsequently dismantled. There are moments of Can and

10 beats are the order of the day in songs such as Hot!, which tries to emulate Missy with its squelchy fart basslines and aggressive chorus. The ghetto-fabulous Jenny uses Eminem effects to inject humour, and a sleazy funk chorus with laid-back beats.

Most of the album is instantly forgettable and sounds eerily like SWV circa 1993. An exception is the angry rap and flamenco guitars in Rags to Riches which relies heavily on the guest vocals of Andre Rison, and Let Me Live, which combines an oriental loop, rolling snares and a catchy vocal harmony.

Block Party is the best track on the album, using samba percussion, a Bollywood chorus sung by munchkins and hip-hop styleee call-backs to create a big hit with enough quirkiness to secure widespread appeal. Expect to hear the infectious chorus sung by kids on buses, drunkards and bank managers nationwide.

It’s a shame that people will buy the album on the strength of the single, as it mostly consists of fillers. Some of the more upbeat Still reading? For you hardy souls, I’ve saved the best ‘til last: songs, such as the remotely TLC-tinged True Confessions, grow Scampi, where “All band members play different roles in the on you – but so does mould on cheese. preparation of scampi.” Thoughtfully they’ve also included the It’s not ground breaking and some songs only reach the level recipe to complete the witty, erudite liner notes. For Blixa is also a of inoffensive background pop-sounds like Left Eye could noted German TV chef. Put this in context:, have you heard definitely do with some TLC. Amy Watkins.

Jamie Oliver’s band? Oh, and requests to the GR office for the scampi recipe, marked ‘Jamie gets in my helmet.’

PAUL VAN DYK Nick McDonald.

Politics of Dancing

Tortoise, and the tracks remain exciting and unpredictable, perhaps because a mad German techno head is at the wheel.

Despite the potential for disaster, the two artistic forces work in unison, producing a harmonious juxtaposition of styles and ideas that have a universal feel both in terms of time and space.

Max Jamieson.

LISA ‘LEFT-EYE’ LOPES Supernova (Arista)

PICTURE THE scene, you’re from a highly successful girl group and are generally known as ‘the one who does the rap’, following several chart hits you have to release a debut solo album which can match the success of TLC. Not the best criterion to have hanging over your head as you co-write and produce your first effort. Rising to the challenge, Left-Eye has drafted in someone who’s munched on acid for over a decade to design her day-glo sleeve and persuaded Cartman to get stoned and rap the lyrics.

Perhaps because of her vocal style, it’s good that most of the songs are collaborations, such as Life Is Like A Park which opens the album in a half-arsed r’n’b mediocre groove that unfortunately is reflected in most of the songs towards the end. Messy, irregular

(Ministry of Sound)

THIS EAGERLY awaited ministry of sound compilation will certainly be bringing fireworks to your ears this November 5th. If you’re desperate to hear some of the summer’s up and coming Ibiza tunes, as yet un-released and un-commercialised, then this, my fellow clubber, is your ultimate bible! The CD was an essential warm-up to the Freshers Ball, where Gareth Griffiths and Fergie played many of the tracks listed.

This is Van Dyk’s first compilation for Ministry, following in the footsteps DJs such as Judge Jules, Pete Tong and Ferry Corsten. The 27 year old DJ, renowned for his intense and energetic trance and known to dabble into technofied sounds, won the Best International DJ award in DJ Magazine and has recently joined MOS’ exclusive radio station.

The 34-track album includes remixes including Iio’s Rapture, U2’s Elevation and own tracks such as, Out There, Vega and Autumn.

Personally, CD 2 seemed to be more to my taste of trance and those who made the pilgrimage to the ‘Spin em’ Eddy’ room in the fresher’s ball will undoubtedly want this compilation. This album certainly reflects Paul van Dyk’s status as Germany’s finest export. Suzanne Carter.

musiclive

pics:Si.Crockford

Witter on and on and on...

STARSAILOR/ MATTHEW JAY Bristol The Rock “IT’S A game of two halves,” an observant football pundit once said, and if this were a game of football we’d have an awful lot of catching up to do by halftime.

We kick off with Matthew Jay and his band dribbling onstage looking defeated and uncomfortable. They lack any kind of stage presence or charisma and don’t look the part at all. With an impressively wide selection of bad haircuts, posters of this lot won’t adorn any teenage walls. Frankly, I wouldn’t want these guys backing me in a fight and their music doesn’t fare much better.

Jay’s live sound is a beefed-up version of his acoustic singer-songwriter stylings backed with sequenced keyboards. His set is utterly charmless and memorable for all the wrong reasons. Jay’s voice is paper-thin, and when he does give it some welly he’s hopelessly out of tune. Occasionally the band attempt three-part harmonies ending up with the vocal force of a shy mouse. With tunes smelling like the arseend of the 80’s, Jay has very little going for him.

His drummer does wear a hat though.

Starsailor’s performance in the second half of tonight’s show is a comeback of Man Utd style proportions. They bound onstage all smiles, looking confident, relaxed and cool. From the moment James Walsh (Starsailor’s Beckham) opens with “Don’t you know you’ve got your daddy’s eyes?” we’re won over.

Starsailor inspire devotion as much as Walsh’s voice does cliché. That first line, yes, sends a head-to-toe shiver that barely subsides all night. The power, beauty and emotion wrought from just one word is worth a thousand Matthew Jay’s. Like yesterday’s heroes Oasis, nothing here is complex – song structures are traditional and the words spoken so finely deal with basic emotions.

The songs are elegantly crafted, melodies weave around one another, the piano flourishes the icing on the cake. The warmth of these tunes is as comforting as a warm blanket on a winter night. Even Walsh’s Noel-esque solo spot is immensely powerful. Closing with a rousing, electrifying Good Souls tonight Starsailor have dazzled and quite honestly are everything Matthew Jay is not. Stunning.

Paul Barnett

DUPA STYLES / HIGHER LEARNING Toucan Club THE TOUCAN put on this Higher Learning night due to the cancellation of the Radio 2 fringe gig. Taking this into account and the fact that not many people know who Dupa Styles

SHED SEVEN Great Hall SHED SEVEN are a resilient bunch. Where other bands of the mid-nineties Brit-pop genre fell by the wayside as Tony Blair breezed into power, bringing with him the painfully embarrassing ‘Cool Britannia’ era, the ‘Sheds’ have kept on trucking. The last few years has seen the release of a greatest hits album, and in the last few months, their latest album, If The Truth Be Told, a return to form for the band, but a disappointment in the shops.

Tonight in the Great Hall the crowd looks a little thin (but at £12.50 a ticket that’s not really surprising) as the support act The 45’s drag us through their well played but ultimately bland pub rock. I know nothing about this band, and having seen them, I can’t say that I care. They play well and are full of enthusiam, but don’t have anything in their repertoire that is going to turn the music world upside down.

So it may not be a huge crowd, but what it lacks in size, is made up in enthusiasm and energy. An opening salvo of Dolphin and Where Have You Been Tonight set the

agenda for tonight’s gig, as Rick and Co. take the audience on a journey through the greatest hits and the new album. It’s no surprise that the setlist consisted purely of tracks from the greatest hits and Truth Be Told (with the exception of an epic airing of Maximum High,) but it’s what people have paid for. All the old chestnuts are there, Going For Gold, Disco Down and a shout along romp through Getting Better, as well as some of the new material.

The acoustic led Cry For Help, the rocking leer of If The Music Don’t Move Yer and the latest single, Step Inside Your Love, all sit more than favourably alongside the older material. From the reactions of an extremely energetic vocal crowd, it’s clear that although they may not be as trendy as they used to be, Shed Seven can still cut it.

Last time they played in the union, back in 1999, lead singer Rick Witter was, according to one source, thrown out of the Tav “like a javelin” for relieving himself over a jukebox.

Whether tonight would end in such Rock ‘n Roll antics was yet to be seen, but as the last chords of set closer Chasing Rainbows died away, you couldn’t help but hope he would do it again.

Rob Jackson

are (myself included), the Toucan has filled up nicely. DJ Jaffa leaves the decks smoking to be replaced by DJ Harry Love.

Dupa Styles are on Low Life Records, the same label that Rodney P and Taskforce. The latter being a live hip-hop act on at the Toucan a few weeks ago, and who must get all the credit due for being absolutely brilliant supporting The Furries, but whom the crowd didn’t really seem to appreciate, shown by their lack of movement. Dupa Styles are two guys from London, Nick and James, who seem to be very much kids at heart (one wearing a Donald Duck sweater), they have none of this bad boy attitude about them.

They work like a tag team, the other one taking over at perfectly the right time until it seems the communication breaks down which leads them to have an argument, which can only be resolved by a freestyling MC battle.

Harry Love most noticeable for being a past

member of The Scratch Perverts spins the samples, a good mixture of the cheery and dark, at one point actually spinning one that I recognise. This is no bad thing really as it pushes the focus on the MCs whom the crowd really love, responding all the time to their ‘Simon Says’ shouts.

After Dupa Styles, there comes the chance to get yourself up on the mike. Little Miss takes no time at all to deliver us some of her soulful singing, a break from all the MCing, and then another woman, follows suit. There seemed to be less emphasis on the main act itself but rather, making the whole night an experience, from the scratching of DJ Jaffa, the breakdancing and the other MC’s, it all demonstrates what the spirit of the Toucan is all about. If they can deliver yet another alright night off the back of a cancellation, I can’t wait to see what they still have to come.

Pauline Cheung

11 MARK B AND BLADE Solus HAVING NEVER seen Mark B and Blade live before, I was disturbed to be greeted by what looked like a Canadian fishing shop assistant gyrating on stage when I first entered Solus.

Thankfully, this was just the support group, who soon gave way to the main duo who were joined by Beni G (one half of a UK DJ crew called The Mixologists) on decks three and four, and Lexx, a rapper who looked as if he’d run straight out of Demolition Man. Their opening song was Word Lab, a catchy accessible tune about partying your ass off, which is also the opening track of their recent album The Unknown. In all, they only performed about seven or eight songs and it felt that at least seven and a half of these were different versions of their popular track Ya Don’t See The Signs which was recently remixed by Feeder (but don’t let that put you off).

Comfortingly, it seems to be the season for London-based hip-hop acts to show empathy with the Welsh. The support at the recent SFA concert memorably declared, ‘I is from London, but I is not a bigot. I respect that a country so close to England still keeps its native tongue.’

Blade captured the hearts of a nation by admitting that Armenians also endure taunts about sexual relations with sheep.

It soon became apparent that Blade is incredibly fond of audience participation, and regularly reduced the crowd into eagerly shouting parts of their songs, which felt all too reminiscent of the Outhere Brothers. Some of the tunes and background noises of the album tracks took a back seat to Blade and Lexx’s rather domineering rapping. Less poppy than the Gorillaz, more initially accessible than Roots Manuva and less violent than US gangsta rap, you can understand why Mark B and Blade are irritated that they largely remain as the unknown.

The great thing about their fanbase is that it’s small enough to allow them to crowd surf to the back after the gig, but dedicated enough not to allow them to fall to the floor with a thud, which is no small wonder since Blade does look a little like a pie-monger. Perhaps an adequate summary can be provided by Blade, the man himself, who said of the Cardiff gig on the band’s official website: ‘It was wicked.’

Eleri Lloyd

So fresh and so keen FRESHERS BALL Union

T

HE FRESHERS Ball is supposed to be one of the social events of the year (darling), but unlike the Summer Ball, there’s no need for the ball gowns ladies. Tonight was plagued by a mix of the smart and the shoddy – those who arrived decked out in black tie expecting a ball, and those who turned up in scuffed trainers and jeans. Consequently nobody could figure out if the event was a full-blown ball or a bigger version of the Welsh Club on a Friday night, leaving everyone feeling embarrassingly over or underdressed. Still, the music did its best to stop a ship from sinking with a quality line-up that unleashed some shining vinyl on some unsuspecting punters right through until kicking out time.

Solus was hosted by Silent Running, which gave everyone the opportunity to hear High Contrast unleash an eclectic mix of funked up drum ‘n’ bass, effortlessly sliding jazzy breaks across liquid beats.

Unfortunately, the sound system wheezed its way through the whole night, not allowing the DJ to do himself justice. Instead it was a surreal sight, watching a crowd of immaculately dressed boys and girls uncomfortably dance to music they may have been oblivious to until now. DJ Suv followed, delivering a mediocre set before handing over to the legend that is Grooverider, who blended a twisted mix of dark jump up with some more laidback vibes. Looking surprisingly cheery for a change, Mr ‘Rider returned to form with a set that oozed some of the class that he’s been lacking for the last couple of years.

Downstairs in Seren Las, One Mission’s Chico Fresco was ably warming up for the much anticipated Stanton Warriors, getting the crowd moving like contortionists to his infectious breaks. Once the Stantons took to the decks, the room ignited as they dropped a mischievous clash of breaks and beats, dabbling with old skool anthems along the way. It was all too good to be true however, and the sound system cut out for five miserable minutes. With things going on elsewhere many couldn’t be arsed to wait for the technician to do his thing and wandered down to the Great Hall.

The Great Hall looked impressive with elegant black drapes and kaleidoscopic light show despite the event’s disappointing turnout. Earlier Lil’ Laura had done the girls proud with her stint behind the vinyl, warming up the crowd for Gareth Griffiths and the night’s main attraction, Fergie.

The Irish lad’s set took in all the usual hard house and trance that you’d expect, and kept the army of glowsticks happy. However the mainstream appeal of hard house is still not as omnipotent as other genres have had in the past, and the polite response in the main room was because it was the biggest arena on the night, and done out of duty rather than real pleasure. If Jive Hive and the Welsh Club had a kid, then it would turn out like tonight. Let’s hope they’re more careful next time.

Pat McCaren

musiclive

12

2 good to be true?

TOMMY AND The Chauffeur open the night’s proceedings in depleted form with three of the five band members apparently opting for a quiet night in, leaving vocalists James Chant and James Milford to overcome their appalling moniker. The ensuing pared-down, acoustic set, proves to be something of a mixed bag – one minute electrifying and disturbing, the next mired in insipid Tom McRae-isms. It’s not dependent so much on the quality of the material – most of which is unremarkable – as the radical gap in the level of vocal talent on stage.

Chant’s voice is a revelation, with every furious snarl and soaring falsetto permeated with a soul-wrenching passion which puts most other latter-day Buckley wannabes to shame. His compelling, raw performance imbues even the most workaday example of New Acoustic Movement ‘sensitivity’ with sheer primal emotion. Milford, on the other hand, sounds as dull as the white Gap polo-neck he wears,and attention drifts all too easily when he takes centre stage. ‘Where have all my friends gone?’, he wibbles. He may well ask.

Amy Wadge bounces on to the stage in a pint-sized blur of energy, paving the way for a sprightly set of well-crafted numbers which allow her powerful and versatile voice to shine. The best is ‘Happy Anniversary’, a stunning account of a decaying relationship, yet the rest of her set approaches mundanely far too often for comfort – there’s no question that Wadge knows her way around a decent melody, but she adds nothing to a lyrical seam already thoroughly mined by Alanis Morissette.

Rosalie Deighton may be tonight’s headliner; she may be possibly the most beautiful woman ever seen in Ifor Bach; she may be the only act tonight to play with a full band, but none of this helps when you have the charisma of a Corr, and the music to match. Deighton’s voice JT MOUSE:HILLBILLY ROCKS

penetrates through the blandly competent instrumentation only on the hypnotic, gorgeous shimmer of ‘Bruised’. In every other song, without exception, any hint of anything which could grab the attention – a vaguely funky beat, a melodic twist, even a sign of character from Deighton – is swiftly buried under instantly forgettable soft rock.

There’s a song entitled ‘Unconscious Entertainment’. It is, Deighton informs us, about embarrassing flip-flops. Yet it sounds exactly the same as the song before it and the song after it; so much for folksy whimsy, then. And, given the extraordinary emergent talents of Carina Round and Thea Gilmore, this is frankly not enough to cut it in the world of the British female singer-songwriter. Alex Macpherson

PROUD MARY Barfly THE EVENING kicked off with a rousing set from Headtest who, despite a pretty limp reaction from the crowd, delivered a mighty performance. Listing Gomez, Soulwax and Shostakovich among their many influences, these Newport lads are refreshingly talented. An enthusiastic rendition of ‘Friendly Bombs’ showed off the bands instrumental prowess and the singer had a pretty good voice too (despite the obvious handicap of monster sideys).

With a feisty mix of rusty guitar solos and a harmonic vocal arrangement, they smacked of Ash in their Nu-clear Sounds days, or a more throbbing version of Manchester’s Alfie.

Next up, Urban Clearway, complete with a ‘smokey and the bandit’ entourage of moustached roadies. It was country rock with a demonic harmonica and no surprises.

If Urban Clearway served no other purpose, they at least prepared us for the monumental letdown that was Proud Mary.

Despite being billed as drawing inspiration from Bob Dylan, Neil Young and The Faces, the influence that stood out like a mono-brow on one of the Gallagher brothers was Oasis.

Their debut album Same Old Blues would have been better titled ‘same old mid-90’s Oasis rip-off pap’ and puppet master Noel has obviously educated them at the 3-chord school of guitar playing. On a more positive note, the dismal Don’t It All Look Ugly was mercifully short and lead vocalist Greg Griffin’s voice proved hauntingly seductive.

Shamelessly betraying his Manchester twang and opting instead for a distinctively throaty American rasp he seems to thrive on the rawness of a live show but fails to compensate for the rest of the timidly dull band.

At the end of the day, Proud Mary are unable to disguise that they are simply another watery attempt to crowbar more bland, mellow rock into a genre that’s already spilling over with poor imitations.

Wendy Johnson PICS:SI CROCKFORD

ROSALIE DEIGHTON / AMY WADGE / TOMMY AND THE CHAUFFEUR Clwb Ifor Bach

JT MOUSE/ JOE QUILLIN/ MAHARASHI Oz Bar WITH A thick drizzle in the air, the launch of Radio 2 Fringe events at Oz Bar was a rather low-key affair. It’s hardly the type of place that springs to mind when talking of city centre live music venues, and tonight proved why.

First up, the whimsical Londoner Joe Quilln, with his acoustic story-telling might well have proved to be hypnotic if he hadn’t suffered at the hands of pissed up valley boy hecklers and TV coverage of the football. As it was, he did well to finish.

Maharashi’s set didn’t fare much better either. Although again, a blindingly talented bi-lingual band with a heavier indie vibe than the ‘folk‘ label implies, the intermittent power cuts and continuing footy coverage marred what could have been a great performance.

Finally, JT Mouse’s set. This is what the majority of the music lovers in the crowd had come for, and they got what they deserved. With most of the punters gone and TV’s silenced, JT Mouse unloaded on the crowd with a versatile display of vigorous deep south indie with a Leftfield undercurrent, toying in parts with UK Garage stylee beats (with no electrotom foolery in sight) an even with crowd participation, leaving even the hardened valley boy applauding. In a word, Awesome.

Not the kind of start Radio 2 might have wished for, but it can only get better from here on in.

Simon Crockford

PICS:Rob Jackson

AFTER THE rip-roaring success of Radio 1 Live last year, Radio 2 followed their lead, packing up their vinyl, and making their way across the border, to recapture that same success.

With a week of seminars, workshops and, of course, an eclectic mix of live music, here’s a round-up of the events that took place...

DRUGSTORE: Perfectly healthy, actually.

..BEST OF THE REST..

Loves are onto something very special indeed.

David Pothecary

DRUGSTORE Barfly Barfly

EMBRACE Clwb Ifor Bach

CARDIFF’S FORTNIGHT of musical mayhem seemed to somewhat bizarrely focus on the lovingly nostalgic reintroduction of several midnineties top pop combos into society; with appearances from Dodgy, Embrace, Gene and Drugstore(Cardiff’s retroindie massive have been positively creaming their pants with excitement..) enticing old school shoe-gazers and the curious into the city’s music venues.

DR JOHN+BBC BIG As Drugstore’s Brazilian BAND beauty Isabel Monteiro steps up to the mic, (in a dressing St David’s Hall gown, no less) it becomes With a piano adorned with purple velvet blindingly obvious that here is and stars, as well as a life size skull, the a band we should not yet be doctor kicked off with his regular band in laying to rest. With almost what proved to be an excellent first set. scarily masculine vocals (think His unique, funky bayou jazz-blues had Vera Lynn meets Courtney the feel that can only come from musicians Love), powerful guitars and a that know each other extremely well; note giant stage presence perfect but loose in timing and with oodles complemented by a warm of funkiness. Slow blues and jazz were sense of intimacy, Drugstore executed with elegance. Upbeat boogie capture the hearts of a packed and funk numbers were performed with an Barfly. Offering us a aggressive, loose vitality, including,the delectable selection of new evening’s highlight; a brilliant ‘Right Place, tracks, old favourites and a Wrong Time’ which had even the most stunningly surprising austere of the blue-rinse Radio 2 audience, (some of whom seemed to have turned up Radiohead cover, interspersed with a ‘hey Cardiff-you’re my expecting something Glenn Millerish) up new best friends’-style banter, and dancing, or at least clapping their the band leave no frown hands in time. unturned. And as if that wasn’t Dr John’s customary dance was a little enough, there were kazoos! arbitrary, the show’s voodoo elements Oh my days! Go see when having been reduced to the they come back next month. aforementioned skull and his gator-tooth necklace, but why mess with an obviously Maria Lane. winning formula?

The addition of the BBC’s saxes before THE LOVES the interval gave a hint of what was to Jumping Jacks follow. The presence of the Big Band seemed to be the result of someone at the SOMETIME BACK in the BBC seeing the words ‘New Orleans’ and long summer holiday, a very ‘jazz’ on a bit of paper. The (one assumes) important thing happened to classically trained beeb musos seemed to The Loves. It seems one of have great difficulties coming to terms with their number went out and the loose sound of the combo and felt bought The Strokes’ album. extremely uptight in comparison. At its Imagine then, if the slightly worst the Big Band’s bland arrangements amusing, although ultimately gave the songs an elevator music feel. dull attempts at bouncy tunes All in all the incredible talent and that had been their stock in authenticity of the great man, shone trade before the advent of through in spite of the ill conceived union New York’s finest have been and the living legend proved he still has suffused with an edge that some of the old voodoo magic in him, even would appear to gel well with if the BBC don’t get it. their more eccentric side. We Peter Wearn have punk with flowery bits, rock with a fluffy edge. The

IN THE frenzied hunt to find a band to tear apart, Embrace are like a small kid with a ‘kick me’ sign tacked on. Three albums on and they’re making a return to the heartfelt balladry that saw them in tatters at the hands of the music press.

As esteemed guests of Radio 2’s live event, they seem to have taken on a new collective persona. In opener, Over, and set closer Fireworks, Embrace display a spark of imaginative and effective songwriting. As Danny frantically tries to stir up a mimi moshpit to Drawn From Memory’s ‘Save Me’, it’s only the industry elements of the crowd who put more importance in their tales of office politics than the newly polished Embrace. Tonight they proved that whilst in the musical playground they may have been the ones with the funny nickname, they are the victors in the real world.

Adam Brookes

THE COAL PORTERS Sam’s Bar BATTLING AGAINST the sound system first are Smokehand. An all too rare date for the locals, peddling their winsome tales of sorrow.

Heavily indebted to Tom Waites and sadly uncommon round these parts, their louche stylishness is appreciated as always.

Style is something The Raconteurs could invest in, as their unassuming presence seems to detract from some good songwriting. Promising.

Things really get going with The Coal Porters, with some sections of the audience surprising themselves, enjoying a masterful set of Bluegrass classics. Playing a much smaller and ill-equipped venue than they deserve, they cheerily acquit themselves in the best tradition of the genre.

Live music doesn’t get much better.

Nick Mcdonald

musicsingles profile which is surprising, considering past hits such as In Your Room and Bullet In a Gun were such amazing songs.

Freelove itself has grown on me. It sees the band sticking to what they are good at: making emotional, melancholic melodies. The B-sides, however, are good for nothing but background music in Topshop. If I wanted to listen to something conceptual and dark, I’d reach for my My Dying Bride album. Depeche Mode deserve more than this.

Rich ‘Dave’ Moore

GEMMA HAYES Work to a Calm EP

EMBRACE Make it Last

(Source)

(Hut)

IRELAND. IT’S not just all about Westlife, y’know. The Emerald Isle is also rather good at churning out girlie singer/songwriters of the whimsical variety. The second EP from Tipperary-born Hayes is an affecting collection, reminiscent of The Cranberries when they had real songs rather than Dolores O’Riordan caterwauling pseudo-political arse over a backing track. Though hailed as the bright new hope of nu-acoustic, Hayes is actually fairly ballsy; her sweet vocals and haunting harmonies are saved from twee-ness by a full-on backing band which gives Tear In My Side and I Worked Myself Into A Calm a Veruca Salt-esque hardness. Trouble is, when left to her own devices she can be irredeemably sappy, as demonstrated by I Can’t Find Love and A New Day, songs which wouldn’t sound greatly out of place in the closing moments of some nauseating chick flick.

ALABAMA 3 Wade Into the Water (Elemental)

LARRY LOVE is still sounding like he’s trying a bit too hard, with a voice that sounds like Bruce Springsteen on 40 a day, this time beautifully accompanied by Eileen Rose. With lyrics designed to evoke the image that they’ve lived a little down the banks of the Mississippi backwater, there’s not much of a techno influence heard here at all. The other two live tracks more than make up for this though. All in all, an average gospel-bluesrock track. That’ll be Alabama 3 again then.

Pauline Cheung

THE DANDY WARHOLS Bohemian Like You (Capitol)

YOU MAY not realise it yet, but you know this song, it’s that one featured on those high profile TV ads for a certain phone company.

Bohemian Like You is a catchy guitar driven piece of indie-pop, and despite it’s simplicity both lyrically and musically, is arguably their best song yet. Taken from the album Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia, it was originally released last year but narrowly missed the top 40. Thanks to the renewed interest and airplay, the Dandy Warhols should be looking forward to their biggest hit yet. Simon Smale

DEPECHEMODE Freelove (EMI)

DEPECHE MODE are legends. However, releasing material to compete with the latest ‘trendy’ groups is not reason enough. Much like new album, Exciter, has kept a fairly low

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GRiP

13

IT’S ALMOST as if Embrace weren’t trying very hard when they made this song. Lyrically it’s nothing special, while the music is simply boring. They’ve played it safe by trying to emulate some of their previous successes,but have fallen far short of the standards we know they’re capable of.

On first listening, Make It Last seemed that it might have been a ‘grower’, but it just gets more monotonous each time you hear it. It’s time to either change the tired formula or quit while they’re ahead and remember the days when Embrace were actually quite good.

Aled Wynne

JIMMY EAT WORLD Salt Sweat Sugar (Dreamworks)

THE FIRST single from J.E.W’s major label debut album was originally the title track, but the track has been changed, presumably it’s previous title – Bleed American – was a little risky in the wake of recent events. As for the song itself, as always the band walk a fine line between cool poppy emo and outright cheesiness.

Thankfully the single falls on the right side of that line. Good enough to blow away most of what passes for punk in the charts, the band still don’t manage to reach the heights of some of their pop-emo peers. Heavy enough to reassure fans that their move to Dreamworks hasn’t constituted a total sell-out, polished and catchy enough to make it accessible to a wider audience, this seems destined to become a hit, and deservedly so.

Mike Goodsir

Miles – Sonic 3000 (V2)

HMM. UNFORTUNATELY, Miles turn out to be another second-rate guitar band who play their instruments, sing reasonably badly, and then exit your life with the same lack of aplomb with which they entered it. This track comes from the Goo Goo Dolls school of safe corporate rock, but with less originality and flair. The b-sides are nothing to write home about, though the remix of Grasshopper’s Gone is vaguely interesting: the bassist belatedly learns to play and the tune has a little funk to it. However, it’s hardly enough to salvage this single.

Mark Cobley

MOGWAI My Father, My King (Rock Action)

LITERALLY SILENCING those who criticised their last album for not being noisy enough, Mogwai dynamically return with a one track single based upon a Jewish hymn for peace and prosperity. Originally produced by the legendary Arthur ‘Planet Rock’ Baker and now recorded with the also legendary Steve ‘Shellac’ Albini, this 20 minute monster of a track is what Mogwai have been using as a heart-stopping climax to their recent live shows.

Taking an intricate eastern melody and placing it in the Mogwai ‘quiet, loud, quiet, loud, apocalypse’ format of old classics such as Like Herod, the Glaswegian noiseniks have created a track of truly biblical proportions. Part sublime beauty, part post-rock brilliance, part Norwegian death metal and coated in punk rock attitude (it’s 12 seconds too long for the charts), this is quite possibly Mogwai’s finest moment to date. Buy it, turn it up loud and get blow away. Andy Parsons

THE VINES Factory (Rex Records)

DO WE need to look to Australia for a Beatles tribute band? Factory comes across as one of those drunken sessions even EMI would shy away from releasing. Hampered as it is by one of those cod reggae basslines McCartney alone finds delightful. Fairly unintelligible, it was recorded and produced at home, though it does sound as if you’re hearing it through the phone from down-under.

Usually a recommendation, it’s perhaps understandable that it hasn’t been recorded at expense. The B-side is little better, Drown the Baptists containing all the faults of the A-side but more so. Australia also gave us Winfield fags. Spend your £3 odds on those instead.

Nick McDonald

SLIPKNOT Left Behind

(Road Runner) AAAAGGGHHH! QUAKE in your boots! It’s the scary, shock rockers from Middle America!

Watch out as they mosh their way into the UK single charts with this average, middle of the road, bullshit! How can people not notice that this song has been done a THOUSAND times before? The same buzz-saw guitars, pounding rhythms and muffled incomprehensible vocals.

None the less I’m sure the legions of Slipknot fans will draw themselves from their conflicted lives and wallow in the ‘misery’ Slipknot wish to share with them. I’m also sure Slipknot will be wallowing in the millions said ‘fans’ pump into their bank accounts. Slipknot, Left Behind? No, leave it behind.

Jamie Grierson

SHED SEVEN Step inside your love (Artful)

THE SECOND single to be taken from the ‘Sheds rather good but disappointingly unsuccessful album, If The Truth Be Told, finds them in typical, mid-nineties epic brit-pop mode.

Brash, anthemic and catchy, it’s the kind of nofrills rock music Shed Seven built their reputation on. Chances of radio play and some kind of chart success for this is extremely unlikely, the band just aren’t trendy anymore, so this and the rest of the album, (some of the best and most consistent material they’ve written,) will just go ignored.

Rob Jackson

GOLDFRAPP Pilots/Lovely Head (Mute)

FOR THEIR post-Mercury nomination single, Goldfrapp have selected two of the more gorgeous cuts from their Felt Mountain LP. Pilots is swoonsome romanticism, sensual strings melting luxuriously with William Orbitstyle electronics to frame Alison Goldfrapp crooning sweet nothings in the listener’s ears; this is the sound of realms of possibility opening up. Lovely Head is the sinister flipside, with cinematic, harpsichord-dappled swells of sound belying its calmly twisted lyricism: “Why can’t this be killing you?” whispers Alison. Both are drenched in an otherworldly beauty few other bands can match. Goldfrapp: they’ll steal your soul and take it to a better place, somewhere inside their heads. Alex Spek GOLDFRAPP: lovely head...

29.10.01

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Television

29 October

Monday

Renaissance Secrets BBC 2 7.30pm

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 House Invaders 10.30 Real Rooms 11.00 Bargain Hunt Live 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Doctors 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.50 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 Eureka TV 4.35 The Queen's Nose 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Will Tad regain consciousness? Steph battles with her conscience.

Kev Kelly escapes from jail.

Steph and Larry flee. Hello, all. It’s my birthday today so humour my ramblings....

6.00 Open University 7.00 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.10 Oscar's Orchestra 7.35 Arthur 8.00 Blue Peter 8.25 Mona the Vampire 8.50 UBOS 9.15 Belfry Witches 9.40 Casper 10.00 Big Wolf on Campus 10.30 Brum 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 Teletubbies 11.25 William's Wish Wellingtons 11.30 Heartbreak High 12.15 Holiday Snaps 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Brum 1.20 World Rally Championships: Rally Corsica 1.50 FILM: The Fallen Sparrow 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 Esther 4.30 Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link Gingerminge strikes again.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 The Biggest Game in Town 2.10 Crossroads 2.40 The Bill 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Hilltop Hospital 3.30 Angelina Ballerina 3.45 Fingertips Special 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Oggy and the Cockroaches 4.35 Two of a Kind 5.05 Crossroads Bradley gets a taste of the rough ride he is going to get from Jake. Good Lord! That sounds rather fruity. So, Bradley and Jake, you get a huge ‘fnarr!’ 5.35 Nuts and Bolts

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Montel 12.30 Planed Plant: Pei Pwmpan 12.45 Planed Plant: Miffi 1.00 Supporting Acts 1.15 FILM: The Spy in Black 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 5.15 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.30 Home from Home A Yorkshire family exchange their North of England home for the delights of a place in Long Island in New York State.

Not having been to either place I can’t really say if this is a fair swap.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Family Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Grace and Glorie 5.25 Vox Pop Members of the public share their thoughts on the recent acts of terrorism in the US. Look, I’m sure other stuff has happened since then that’s equally worthy of comment.

So give it a rest, yeah? 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News; Weather 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X Ray More bloody consumer affairs. Like anyone’s even vaguely interested any more. Look, the world isn’t perfect but a few C-list presenters on the BBC aren’t going to make it better. So they might as well accept that fact and piss off.

Then the BBC can show half an hour of something good.

Like porn. Or kung-fu.

7.30 Holiday Craig Doyle visits Transylvania, Claudia Winkleman relaxes in Sri Lanka and Clarissa Dickson Wright explores Edinburgh.

Haha – short straw.

8.00 EastEnders Kat is feeling suffocated by the strained atmosphere in the Slater household – although it’s probably nothing more than the smell of cheap perfume bought off gyppos in the market.

8.30 Dalziel and Pascoe 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Exchange with Huw Edwards 11.15 Living with Cancer: Men and Women 11.55 FILM: Halloween “Ooh, a classic,” squeals Film Desk. “Although I don’t know why it isn’t being shown on Wednesday – what with that being Halloween and everything.”

1.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons Homer purchases a handgun to protect his family, to Marge's distress. “Protecting yourself from dangerous and delicious animals” – that’s what guns are for according to Homer.

6.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons The Mysterons announce that they intend to destroy North America. Quick! Stop the bombing – we found who did it!

6.45 Farscape 7.30 Renaissance Secrets: Venice: A Second Hand City? Venice sounds wicked.

A pint to anyone who can get me two tickets on the Orient Express to Venice.

8.00 University Challenge 8.30 House Detectives 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 'orrible 10.00 Coupling 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Big Brother and Beyond... The Royal Television Society Huw Weldon Lecture Peter Bazalgette argues the case for today's modern, multichannel world of television, and counters the critics' claim that ‘more means worse’. Well he’s wrong. I’ve got digital telly and it’s 90% shite. Save your money, people - you’re missing nowt.

12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale The kids are shocked to discover the identity of the mysterious stranger in the woods. Lawks alive! It’s Chris Waddle.

7.30 Coronation Street Molly gets a nasty shock.

Mike cracks under the strain.

A big double-ended ‘fnarr’ for that, I think.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 FILM: Tomorrow Never Dies “Not bad – Pierce Brosnan is the best Bond after Connery but Jonathan Pryce is rubbish as a villain. I mean, hammy’s good – but there is such a thing as too hammy. Michelle Yeoh’s good though,” offers Bond-fan Film Desk.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 FILM: Tomorrow Never Dies Conclusion.

11.10 HTV News and Weather 11.20 The Premiership 12.20 UEFA Champions League Weekly 12.50 Nationwide Football League Extra 1.30 Planet Rock Profiles 1.55 Young, Gifted and Broke 2.20 Trisha 3.20 The Web Review 3.45 Box Office America 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm? 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Ydy Coleg Yn Gret 8.30 Pobl y Glannau 9.00 Taro Naw 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Cromwell: New Model Englishman 12.05 Lost 12.35 FILM: In the Company of Men 2.25 Football Italia 4.00 Schools

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Pete returns Davie to Cat when Jim threatens to report him for kidnapping. What? A cat complained about her owner’s kidnapping? That’s bloody clever.

7.00 Toyota World of Wildlife: From Dusk Till Dawn Fruitbats an’ that – not vampires or George Clooney.

Shame, that.

7.30 5 News 8.00 Floyd's India Keith Floyd gets battered in India.

Better than getting shitfaced in, say, Portsmouth.

8.30 The World's Most Wanted Man A portrait of Osama Bin Laden with contributions from Taliban expert Michael Swetnam, journalist Peter Arnet, who interviewed the man himself in Afghanistan, and various US and British former members of the Secret Service. Nice to think that such a complex man can be summed up in 30 minutes (with time allowed for adverts too).

9.00 FILM: Buried Alive 2 “Watch the Bond film in ITV instead,” suggests Film Desk.

10.55 Dr Fox's Chart Update 11.00 Urban Gothic II 11.30 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 12.25 NFL Live!: Pittsburgh Steelers v Tennessee Titans 5.30 World Cup Rallying

CH4. As S4C except: 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 12.25 Spin City 12.55 Cheers 1.20 Home Sweet Home 1.30 Supporting Acts 1.40 FILM: It Always Rains on Sunday 3.45 4.15 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Home from Home 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Superstition: Wedding Bells 8.00 Escape from Colditz: Eureka! 9.00 Cromwell: New Model Englishman 10.35 Beneath the Veil 11.35 Lost 12.10 Shooting Gallery 12.15 Shooting Gallery: Baby 12.30 Shooting Gallery: The Fiver Thing 12.40 Shooting Gallery: A Car Stopped 1.00 Shooting Gallery: Abe's Manhood 1.20 Easy Money 1.45 L'Interview 2.10 Trans World Sport 3.05 War on Trial 4.00 4Learning

Evening

Monday 29 October

Tomorrow Never Dies ITV 8.30pm

BBC 1

Daytime

Today’s Highlights

FILM: Halloween BBC 1 11.55pm

16

Plague, Fire, War and Treason Channel 4 9.00pm STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

CHOICE Beneath The Veil Channel 4, 10.35pm

(029) 2022 9977

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GRiP

Of the current slew of documentaries about Afghanistan, the Taliban and Osama Bin Laden – most of which have been hastily cobbled together to make the most of the current thirst for information

about ‘the world’s most hated man’ – this is by far the best.

It’s a revealing and often harrowing look at the Taliban’s oppressive treatment of women. Much of the footage was filmed secretly and scenes such as a public execution are hard to take in.

When the whole world seems to be vilifying one man surely it’s the Taliban regime we need to be ‘having a word with’.

29.10.01

Television

17

30 October

Tuesday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 House Invaders 10.30 Real Rooms 11.00 Bargain Hunt Live 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Doctors 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.50 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 UBOS 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Harold and Drew worry that Lou is back on the painkillers. Leo discovers a passion for breakdancing.

Word to the bomb b-boy crew in Erinsborough.

Breakdancing? Honestly....

6.00 Open University 7.00 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.10 The Magical Adventures of Quasimodo 7.35 Arthur 8.00 Blue Peter 8.25 Mona the Vampire 8.50 UBOS 9.15 Belfry Witches 9.40 Casper 10.00 Big Wolf on Campus 10.30 Binka 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 Teletubbies 11.25 William's Wish Wellingtons 11.30 Heartbreak High 12.15 Looking Good Tricks 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Binka 1.20 FILM: One Touch of Venus Of what? Oh, Venus.

Thought you said something else. 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 Esther 4.30 Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 The Biggest Game in Town 2.10 Crossroads 2.40 The Bill 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Hilltop Hospital 3.30 Angelina Ballerina 3.45 Fingertips Special 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Oggy and the Cockroaches 4.35 Two of a Kind 5.05 Crossroads Diana talks Patrick into having a wine-tasting at the hotel.

Dave turns the KO Cafe into a greasy spoon. I’m trying to find the smut. But it’s just not coming. Fnarr. 5.35 The People Versus

6.05 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.45 Planed Plant: The Blobs 1.00 Icons 1.15 Elizabeth 2.15 Location, Location, Location 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Y Marinogion 5.30 Home from Home An American family swap the wine valleys of California for a ‘chocolate-box’ cottage in the Cotswolds. They’re gutted when they arrive to find it is actually a chocolate box and is packed with hazlenut clusters.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Family Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Wounded Heart Anyone in the office got a wounded heart? “I’ve got a cold but I wouldn’t really say I’m wounded,” shrugs Film Desk. But your heart? “None of your damn business.” Ooh – sorry I asked. 5.25 Vox Pop 5.30 5 News News about 5ive. No, not really.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Animal Hospital A worried owner brings in his chinchilla to be treated with antibiotics for a sore eye.

What is this? The Salvador Dali Hospital for Bizarre Injuries.

7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City Janice discovers that she is pregnant. Alex reveals his feelings for Sam. Yes, but when are they going to treat some patients.

9.00 Linda Green 9.30 You Only Live Once Nick Hancock takes Barbara Windsor through a rapid career review, reacquainting her with ex-colleagues, former rivals and old flames.

Surely they’re all in prison for East-End gang-related shenanigans? Apart from Sid James – he’s dead. Which is a shame.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 An American Sporting Tribute Hollywood stars, politicians and the people of Washington and New York City gather to witness the return of basketball legend Michael Jordan and to raise money.

Jesus, everything’s a tribute now.

2.05 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Star Trek: Voyager 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation The crew of the Starship Enterprise are intoxicated by a strange contaminant. Cider, probably.

7.30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: Northumberland Infuriated by slow service in a gift shop, Oddie pushes over a display of keyrings and sets about the staff with a handcarved walking stick.

8.00 Gary Rhodes 8.30 The Naked Chef Godfather-to-be Jamie prepares a celebratory christening dinner including roasted brill with lemons and roasted asparagus with pancetta. Yeah, because babies fucking love roasted fucking brill whatever the fuck that is. Cunt.

9.00 Secrets of the Ancients: Hanging Gardens Archaeologists argue about where/how the fabled gardens were built. But I can tell them because I watched a programme about it on Channel 4 at the weekend.

All they have to do is ask me.

9.50 We Are History 10.00 Double Yellow 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Back to the Floor: Cruising It’s about boats – not kerbcrawling or other unsalubrious activities.

11.50 Talking Heads 12.25 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Grass Roots 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Chris Tarrant presents the family friendly version of the explicit quiz Who Wants To Stick Their Hand Up My Arse And Pretend I’m A Puppet?

9.00 The Bill Lennox is forced to doubt his judgement when he falls for the beautiful victim of an art fraudster. Beautiful people, eh? Always the victims. Ha! 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League Highlights Including Liverpool v Borussia Dortmund – “Liverpool only need a draw so it will probably be a draw” claims Sports – and Schalke v Arsenal – “I hate Arsenal too much to comment. Hopefully they’ll die.” Anthrax? “Yeah, why not?” slams Sports Desk.

11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Top Sport My top sport is probably extreme ironing. It’s real.

Look on the internet if you don’t believe me. 12.35 Take the Mike 1.05 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League 2.45 World Sport 3.10 Racing Arrows 3.35 Nationwide Football League Extra 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Cerdyn Post 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 The Volcano 10.35 Driven 11.40 Pornography: the Secret History of Civilisation: The Mechanical Eye For a programme with such a tortuously long name it’s only about porn.

12.40 Lost 1.10 Frasier 1.40 FILM: Nelly and Monsieur Arnaud 4.00 Schools

6.00 Home and Away Can Gypsy trust Harry? I don’t know. But you can never trust a gypsy.

6.30 Family Affairs Pete is stunned when Diane reveals she had an affair with George. Joan tries to persuade Tom to attend the wedding. Pete threatens to expose Claire's escort business. This all sounds frightfully sordid. I don’t think you should be watching this sort of thing.

7.00 The Impressionists This week, Paul Gaugin.

7.30 5 News 8.00 Anne – Portrait of a Princess A profile of arguably the hardest working member of the royal family.

She represented her country in the Olympics, survived a kidnap attempt and was the first royal to remarry following a divorce since Henry VIII. Yeah, that’s not really what I’d call hard work. I mean, getting remarried – what a chore.

9.00 FILM: Lethal Weapon 4 “Getting a bit silly by now.

But Gibson still has a mullet so ironic people and truck drivers will like this,” muses Film Desk 11.30 Arrest and Trial: Murder by the Book 12.00 Live US Major League Baseball: World Series Game Three 4.15 FedEx Cart Racing

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Spin City 1.00 Home Sweet Home 1.10 Supporting Acts 1.20 FILM: The Son of Monte Cristo 3.45 4.15 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Home from Home 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Superstition: Two Lucky Horseshoes 8.00 Driven 8.30 9.00 The Real Tommy Cooper 10.00 Extinct: The Tasmanian Tiger 10.30 AhSo Graham Norton 11.30 Lost 12.05 FILM: The Hit 1.55 The Broken Jaw 2.10 Football Italia – Mezzanotte 4.00 4Learning

Holby City BBC 1 8.00pm

Back To The Floor BBC 2 11.20pm

The Bill ITV 9.00pm

FILM: The Hit Channel 4 12.05am

CHOICE Ah-So Graham Norton Channel 4, 10.30pm This is a repeat but it’s well worth watching in case you missed it first time round. And even if you did see it when it was shown a few months ago you might as well watch it again GRiP

because there’s nothing else on.

Abandoning his chatshow in London for a spell in Japan, Graham Norton finds out about the stranger side of life in the land of the rising sun...and very bloody strange it is too.

Everything investigated by Norton seems to boil down to sex – either in the form of weird gigolo bars, readily available marital aids or

Tuesday 30 October

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

disturbingly obsessive schoolgirl crushes on pop stars.

The highlight has to be a visit to Hello Kitty land – the Japanese equivalent of Disneyworld where everything is emblazoned with Kitty’s ickle face. Although Graham’s late-night musings under the watchful gaze of the recently-deceased grandfather of his host family are pretty funny too. Bit odd, mind.

29.10.01

Television

18

31 October

Wednesday

The Practice BBC 1 12.00am

Murder In Paradise Channel 4 9.00pm

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy Special 11.00 Real Rooms 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Doctors 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.50 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 Jackie Chan Adventures 4.35 Oscar Charlie 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Steph is devastated by Woody's sudden death. Fnarr. Or, huhhuh huh-huh... etc. Hi team.

A lot to talk about this week, little of it television-related.

6.00 Open University 7.00 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.10 Oscar's Orchestra 7.35 Arthur 8.00 UBOS 8.30 Mona the Vampire 8.55 UBOS 9.15 Loads of kid’s stuff which you’re too old for 11.30 Heartbreak High 12.15 Holiday Snaps 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bob the Builder 1.10 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 1.15 FILM: The Las Vegas Story 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 4.00 Awash with Colour 4.30 Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link Nick isn’t sure if he’s going to be on this yet. Keep you posted, but meanwhile...

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 The Biggest Game in Town 2.10 Crossroads 2.40 The Bill 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Hilltop Hospital 3.30 Angelina Ballerina 3.45 Fingertips Special 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Oggy and the Cockroaches 4.35 Two of a Kind 5.05 Crossroads 5.35 The People Versus ...pretty much everyone TV Desk knows has been appearing on telly. It’s been a truly bomb week of viewing round ours.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/ Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Bwgan 12.45 Planed Plant: Sionyn 1.00 Home Sweet Home 1.15 Great Civilisations 1.45 Property Ladder 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Labordy 5-4-3-2-1 5.15 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.30 Home from Home After the Rob J/ Nick/Gemma’s bro scenes of late, we see an ad for The Pop Factory... and who should be the sleepy hunk but Spike!!! If you don’t...

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Family Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Kojak: The Price of Justice 5.25 Vox Pop 5.30 5 News ...know who Spike is, well, that’s him. He works the door at Barfly weekends, but he doesn’t like it when people get starstruck over him. It’s hard sometimes...

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 The Bench 8.00 The Weakest Link 8.45 National Lottery Winning Lines 9.00 The Blue Planet: Coasts 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Harry Enfield's Guide to Being a Senior Citizen See Preview.

Nnnnneeeaaayyyhhhhh.

11.05 Band of Brothers 12.00 The Practice 12.50 Sign One: The Blue Planet 1.40 Sign One: Panorama 2.20 Sign One: See Hear on Saturday The next thing we saw was that stupid BT ad where the girl is in bed next to the fat egg-chaser. Turns out the girl is Kirsten’s sister (Kirsten being Spence’s girlfriend, Spence being the drummer in excellent local band JT Mouse). Apparently they were originally going to have Michael Pearlman and Maureen Lipman in bed together, but Pearlo was double-booked. 3.05 Joins BBC News 24 PRAYER TO GOD ON THE WAY? ■ BAD SUBBING MAYBE, BUT YOU’RE JUST A BUNCH OF WANKERS

6.00 TOTP 2 Bunch of shit this week, plus Labi Siffre. A while ago we were trying to think of people who are both black and openly gay. Well, Labi is one. Others include Justin Fashanu, RuPaul and Skin out of Skunk Anansie.

After that, we’re stumped (Andi Peters and Missy Elliott both dismissed due to lack of actual evidence).

Anyone help us out...?

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 A Question of Sport With Bryan Robson, Phil Tufnell, Matthew Pinsent and Audley Harrison. Pearlo: “Robson’ll be pissed, Tufnell’ll be caned, Harrison’ll eat two doughnuts with a burger in the middle. So there’s only one winner – Pinsent.”

8.00 Home Front 9.00 Babyfather 9.50 Coolhunters: Levi's Second programme of a three-part documentary on those employed to spot future trends in food and clothing.

YOU PUSSIES CAN ALL SUCK OUR COCKS. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Talking Heads Second series of monologues written

by Alan Bennett. He rules.

12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Chris is torn when Zoe suggests that he insist on a prenuptial agreement. Fnarr.

7.30 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League Live: Lille v Manchester United “Well, Man U have already qualified and Lille are French. I’d rather watch a Nationwide match to be honest,” moans Pearlo.

9.45 Coronation Street 10.15 ITV News at Ten 10.35 The Ferret 11.05 HTV News and Weather 11.15 Giant Creepy Crawlies with Nigel Marven Gawp with Nige at six-foot-long worms, a carnivorous cricket larger than a thrush, and robber crabs the size of small dogs.

This sounds bomb. Doubt we’ll be in to watch it mind.

12.05 UEFA Champions League Highlights 1.10 FILM: Prisoner of Honor “Just cos I haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it isn’t any good,” says Ford. 2.35 UEFA Champions League: Celtic v Juventus 4.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Sgwadnewyddu 8.30 Hoelen Yn Yr Archif 9.00 Equinox Special Bioterror 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Brookside 11.00 Ally McBeal 12.00 Lost 12.30 The Secret Life of Us 1.30 Football Italia 3.15 FILM: Pal Joey

6.00 Home and Away Dani begins to doubt Will's feelings. Fnarr.

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 The Movie Chart Show Featuring an interview with actress Christina Ricci. She is racktastic – who’d have thought Wednesday Addams would grow into someone quite as bomb as Ricci 2001.

Speaking of which, does anyone else think the constant efforts to photo Charlotte Church’s pants/tits (see the Mirror last Thursday) is somewhat distasteful? Not that we’re moral crusaders or anything, but... We’re just glad Callows and Jon Pountney aren’t around when C-Lo is on the town.

7.30 5 News 8.00 FILM: To Live Again “Bonnie Bedelia – John McLean’s wife!” explodes Pearlo. Means shit to me.

9.45 Murder Detectives: The House That Roared 10.15 FILM: Basic Instinct Ford: “It’s shit. It’s not erotic or thrilling, Michael Douglas has a pasty arse and a face like a satchel.” Pearlo: “All I’m going to say is that it was released when I was a teenager.” 12.45 Live US Major League Baseball 4.15 NHL Ice Hockey

CHOICE Harry Enfield's Guide to Being a Senior Citizen BBC1, 10.35pm

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

GRiP

Okay, these days he’s roughly as much on the cutting edge of comedy as Mrs Mills. But so what?

Harry Enfield, against most odds, continually

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Spin City 1.00 Cheers 1.30 All Sorts 1.50 FILM: The Oklahoma Kid 3.45 4.15 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Home from Home 6.00 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Superstition: Unlucky for Some 8.00 Brookside 8.30 9.00 Murder in Paradise: Blue Murder 10.00 Ally McBeal 10.55 Lost 11.25 The Secret Life of Us 12.25 4 Music: MTV Ibiza 2001 1.30 4 Music: Lenny Kravitz – Supersoulfighter Supertwattingcunt more like.

2.30 4 Music: 4 Play 2.45 BodySnippers: The Face 3.45 Shock of the Old 4.35 Powerhouse 5.05 Countdown 5.50 The Clangers

Evening

Wednesday 31 October

Giant Creepy Crawlies ITV 11.15pm

BBC 2

Daytime

Today’s Highlights

The Blue Planet BBC 1 9.00pm

BBC 1

manages to prove that a corn-laden caricature with one endlessly repeated punchline can still be amusing. (That said, we never saw his apparently awful last series on Sky.) This one-off features the sadistic, incontinent and entertaining Old Gits, taking a hopefully literal axe to the idiosyncracies of old age. Kathy Burke comes along for the ride too, and the axiom that old people are inherently funny will be reinforced once more.

29.10.01

Television

19

1 November

Thursday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 House Invaders 10.30 Real Rooms 11.00 Bargain Hunt Live The final bastion of BBC live sport coverage.

12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Doctors 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.50 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 UBOS 4.35 Hollywood 7 Rumour has it that S Club 7 are to appear in a remake of The Magnificent Seven with Tina in the Yul Brynner role.

Promises to be a classic. 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

6.00 Open University 7.00 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.10 The Magical Adventures of Quasimodo 7.35 Arthur 8.00 Blue Peter 8.25 Mona the Vampire 8.50 UBOS 9.15 Belfry Witches 9.40 Casper 10.00 Big Wolf on Campus 10.30 Dr Otter 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 Teletubbies 11.25 William's Wish Wellingtons 11.30 Heartbreak High 12.15 Looking Good Tricks 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Dr Otter 1.20 Pablo the Little Red Fox 1.25 FILM: I Married a Witch 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Esther 4.30 Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 The Biggest Game in Town 2.10 Crossroads 2.40 The Bill 3.05 ITV News 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Hilltop Hospital 3.30 Hilltop Hospital 3.45 Fingertips Special This week Thora Hird shows us her fingertips, which smell a bit because she usually keeps them up her arsehole so she can remember where they are. 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Oggy and the Cockroaches 4.35 Two of a Kind 5.05 Crossroads 5.35 The People Versus

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs Did you know that ‘hoob’ is another word for a man’s breast? 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Saith 12.45 Planed Plant: Bibi 1.00 Home Sweet Home 1.15 Seven Wonders of the World One of the seven wonders of the world is Haribo SourMix, kindly donated to the GR office by Miss Clare Kingston. Tang-fuckingtastic! 2.15 Not All Houses Are Square 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Uned 5 5.30 Home from Home

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Family Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: One Spy Too Many 5.25 Vox Pop Members of the public share their thoughts on the recent acts of terrorism in America. I’d rather shove a TCP-soaked cocktail stick up my penis than watch ill-informed cretins spout bollocks.

5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders Halloween sees Walford plunged into darkness. And then Halloween laughs at all the hilarity this causes.

8.00 Ground Force 8.30 Auntie’s Golden Bloomers Terry Wogan presents howlers from the golden era of television. A more apt name for this offering is probably Auntie’s Slightly Soiled Bloomers.

9.00 Victoria Wood's Sketch Show Story The second half of BBC’s all new cut-price television hour. The cunning little bitches at the Beeb cobble together a load of old clips that we’ve all seen before, jumble them up, add in a plump comedienne and ‘piff-puff-poof’ you have a brand spanking new show.

Sort it out, make some new stuff.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Film 2001 12.05 Liquid News A particularly viscous orange squash has just escaped from Broadmoor.

12.40 FILM: Out of Darkness 2.10 Sign One: Watchdog 2.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The New Adventures of Superman 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer The Scooby Gang investigate when a meteorite transports a deadly creature to Earth. Surely the plot summary for another show?

7.30 Match of the Day Live: Helsingborg v Ipswich Town SportsDesk: “Ipswich will go through with a 2-1 win”. “Bold statement” replies Wathan with a raised eyebrow.

“Ipswich are shite” say I. 9.40 The Planets: Brief Encounters: Moon Race This episode tells the story of the most expensive race in history - to put a man on the moon. The Americans cheated: Neil Armstrong actually took a giant leap for a mankind on an industrial estate just outside of Nuneaton.

9.50 Body Briefs 10.00 attachments (Attachments). Just because this is “hip” television that doesn’t mean you don’t have to follow basic rules of grammar. What sort of example is this to young children?

10.30 Newsnight With Kirsty Wark.

11.20 Dragon's Eye 11.50 Network East Late 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales This Week 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.00 Peak Practice 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 Without Motive 11.20 HTV News and Weather Local news.

11.30 Sharp End Debating a new waste incinerator in Swansea that is being built despite residents' protests.

Truly, truly the sharp end of current affairs.

12.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 12.30 Young, Gifted and Broke 1.00 Days like These 1.25 CD:UK 2.15 ITV at the Festivals 2001 3.10 Cybernet 3.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald Can this program please fuck off.

It is the morning now and your turn was last night. And Sir Trev needs his beauty sleep. 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Breaking news from HassDesk: This week sees The National Text-Messaging Awards. No word of a lie. should that be tHe Nt*8nl txt m&ss@gN a(w)rD$. Or something as equally pointless. Can we have an award ceremony for something worthwhile? Like a prize for the most frequent masturbation over the period of a week.

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Brodyr Bach 8.30 Ar y Bocs 9.00 Bin Laden's Plan of Terror Which involves cloning Esther Rantzen and posting her to various sites across the United States. Is there anything that this man won’t stoop to?

10.00 Jordan: Living without Fame 10.30 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 11.35 BodySnippers: The Face 12.35 Los Dos Bros 1.05 To Drive For 2.05 Action 2.35 Third Watch 3.25 Third Watch

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 UEFA Cup Football: Troyes v Leeds United SportsDesk: “Troyes are quite capable of scoring goals as Newcastle found out to their cost. But I don’t foresee any problems for Leeds though.” Thank you for a surprisingly thorough comment.

9.20 FILM: Universal Soldier II - Brothers in Arms Sounds faintly homoerotic. If my instincts are proved correct than this is probably worth a look.

11.05 Real Sex Documentary series exploring the diverse ways in which people enjoy their sexuality. This week Bryan Adams, the ‘groover from the Vancouver’, enlightens us with tales of his sexual adventures.

Featuring a gripping account of how he wades into a paddling pool while small boys dressed as goldfish nibble at his cock. Whatever floats your boat, Mr. Adams.

11.55 European Blue Review Trevor Ward presents a behind-the-scenes look at the world of adult entertainment.

12.45 Live US Major League Baseball: World Series Game Five The Yankees will probably have won the World Series by now, so this program probably won’t even be made. Quite sad when you put it like that.

4.25 Dutch Football

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Grabbit the Rabbit 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Spin City 12.55 Cheers 1.25 FILM: Gentleman Jim 3.45 4.15 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Home from Home 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Superstition: Stage Fright 8.00 Property Ladder 8.30 9.00 10.00 10.30 10.35 The Sopranos 11.35 The Comedy Lab 12.05 Action 12.35 1.05 1.40 4 Later: Onedottv 2.10 Football Italia - Mezzanotte 4.00 Equinox Special - Bioterror 4.55 Powerhouse 5.20 Countdown

Victoria Wood’s Sketch Show...

BBC 1 9.00pm

attachments BBC 2 10.00pm

Without Motive ITV 10.20pm

Property Ladder Channel 4 8.00pm

CHOICE attachments bbc2, 9.00pm the reason i have chosen this program to preview is that the makers of this show have decided that it would be much “cooller” if the title wasn’t spelt with a capital letter at the GRiP

start. as you can tell, a world without the upper case is a strange and bewildering place indeed. in my humble opinion the capital letter is the rock on which modern civilisation is built, so to discard is it is to strike a vicious blow at the heart of what is good and right about society. so i beg of you, think of small children who may be perusing the tv listings (please god not this one) and

Thursday 1 November

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

consider the agrammatical example you may be setting to them in a failed attempt to be hip. please please BRING BACK MY CAPITALS. Thank you for reading my little rant, and may I just leave you with this offering.

N. S. X. God they’re beautiful.

29.10.01

Television

2 November

Friday

Band Of Brothers BBC 2 9.00pm

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 House Invaders 10.30 Real Rooms 11.00 Bargain Hunt Live 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Doctors 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.50 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 Super Duper Sumos 4.35 Record Breakers 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours How will Dione use the information she has discovered about Darcy? We suggest getting a job writing TV listings and then working vague allusions to Darcy’s deeds into the programme info. Nah... prolly a bad idea.

6.00 Open University 7.00 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.10 Oscar's Orchestra 7.35 Arthur 8.00 UBOS 8.25 Mona the Vampire 8.50 UBOS 9.15 Belfry Witches 10.00 Big Wolf on Campus 10.30 Bill and Ben 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 Teletubbies 11.25 William's Wish Wellingtons 11.30 Heartbreak High 12.15 Holiday Snaps 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bill and Ben 1.10 FILM: Til the Clouds Roll By 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 Esther 4.30 Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link We’ve just come back from seeing the Martini Henry Rifles at Clwb. They were bomb.

We’re finding it quite hard...

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 The Biggest Game in Town 2.10 Get Gardening 2.40 Passion for Fashion 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Hilltop Hospital 3.30 Hilltop Hospital 3.45 Fingertips Special 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Oggy and the Cockroaches 4.35 Two of a Kind 5.05 Nuts and Bolts 5.30 The Biggest Game in Town ...to type now. Welcome to LashDesk. Taking you through those long winter nights. Er, yeah. The biggest game in town is Betsy-Coed Cluedo or summat.

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/ Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Tecwyn y Tractor 12.45 Planed Plant: Sali Mali 1.00 Supporting Acts 1.10 FILM: It's Great to Be Young 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Cnafon Coed 5.30 Home from Home We don’t know what this is. If S4C put on some sort of documentary about inconsequential and petty relationship troubles, we’d watch that. We’re rubberneckers, sue us... look, we don’t know what these programmes are.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Family Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: The Bramble Bush 5.30 5 News Loser gossip: Mountain Men Anonymous have kicked Adam out.

Potential new bassists, apply via the GR office and we’ll pass it on. Lorna says no girls are allowed to join, however. We can’t imagine why.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Celebrity Ready, Steady, Cook 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Beppe visits the doctor and discovers the error of his free and easy attitude to women.

Uh Beppe... what’s green and eats nuts? Sounds like you’re gonna find out soon brah.

8.30 My Family 9.00 Have I Got News for You Boris Johnston is on this again. Uh Boris... every time you go on this you’re a laughing stock. Give up brah.

9.30 Gimme Gimme Gimme 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 large 11.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.45 Jo Brand's Commercial Breakdown 12.15 The Stand-Up Show 12.45 LA Pool Party 1.30 FILM: Percy's Progress “This is actually an incredible British movie” – Stand-in Filmdesk. It sounds like it. It’s about like a prosthetic penis or something. Let’s carry on shopping people. Lorna – nah, we’re still going with the older model. Ollie – uh, no crossover, no complaint bro. It’s all about the nookie.

3.05 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Robot Wars 6.45 Scrum V 9.00 Band of Brothers 10.00 Gardeners' World 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Science Shack Science programme investigating the fly's ability to walk upside down on the ceiling, featuring attempts to build contraptions that would enable humans to walk upside down too. Why? 12.05 Later with Jools Holland 1.05 The X Files 1.50 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 3.00 BBC Learning Zone What’s the strangest place you’ve thrown up? “On a six foot two model.” “On Rachel...” “At the bottom of the stairs at my best friend’s house, then all the way up the stairs. Then her 12-yearold sister came along...” “In the middle of a really crowded pub in Reading, aged 15.” Er, not bad. This has been a bit of a funny week again. Mad calls going out to the Martini Henry Rifles, Sammo Hung, that guy who remembered me from three years or so ago, Pountney, Katie... anyone called Katie... oh, and a sincere BOMB to Arnie, Pearlo’s next door neighbour who has just lost his virginity. We know this cos he phoned Pearlo up to tell him. Fucken score Arnie.

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Marc is tortured by his guilty conscience. Uh Marc... just bring it out and get over it.

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Rich and Famous 8.30 House of Horrors 9.00 The Bill 10.00 The Unforgettable Eric Morecambe Unusually, someone in this slot who we haven’t actually forgotten.

Eric Morecambe is bomb.

“Will hopefully include the scene where Eric slaps Ernie one time too many and Ernie goes off on a crack bender” – DC Gates. Oh yes...

11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.25 HTV News and Weather 11.35 Carlton’s Multicultural Achievement Awards 12.35 Dial-a-Date 1.05 Players 1.55 New Music Television 2.25 Take the Mike 2.50 Box Office America 3.15 World Football 3.40 Trisha 4.40 Judge Judy 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Oh yeah, and the other TV appearance (see Wednesday) was JT Mouse on HTV News. John was a champ in the interview. My sweet sweet days. Why am I still here?

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Cefn Gwlad 8.30 Fo A Fe 9.00 Friends 9.30 Will and Grace 10.00 Brookside 10.35 So Graham Norton 11.25 Sex and the City 11.55 Bar Wars 1.00 South Park 1.30 The Comedy Lab 2.00 MTV Ibiza 2001 3.00 FILM: My Brother Jonathan

6.00 Home and Away Noah and Hayley take their first steps towards a relationship.

Ah you guys, you so cute...

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 The Pepsi Chart Those fucking mongs Blue are presenting this. They huff dong at a rate Norris McWhirter would be interested in. 7.30 5 News 8.00 Ancient Secrets: Pyramids 9.00 FILM: The Girl Next Door 10.50 FILM: A Woman Scorned 12.45 FILM: Cuba 2.45 FILM: I Saw What You Did 4.20 Night Stand 4.45 Strange Luck 5.30 Okavango Couple of points before we go home. That annoying guy James Landon who keeps writing in... actually we agree with you on quite a lot of points. The only reason you’re Welsh (or whatever) is cos your parents fucked there. Everything else is a set of arbitary, random values imposed on you.

Don’t kid yourself otherwise.

ALL patriotism is stupid.

Also, go to Six By Seven and Robots Eat My Face (Monday and Friday). You will encounter a better class of person there. We recommend you meet Louis, James and Will. We’ll introduce you if you like. All those people are bomb, and being friendly with them will make you cool. And that is all you need to know.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.05 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Spin City 1.00 Cheers 1.30 FILM: Lifeboat 3.45 4.15 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Home from Home 6.00 Model Behaviour 6.30 Model Behaviour 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Unreported World: Islam and America 8.00 In Search of Mythical Monsters: Thunderbirds 8.30 Brookside 9.00 Friends 9.30 Will and Grace 10.00 Frasier 10.30 So Graham Norton 11.20 South Park 11.50 Bar Wars 12.55 Pets 1.15 Third Watch 2.05 Third Watch 2.55 Jack and Jill 3.40 The Drew Carey Show 4.05 The Drew Carey Show 4.30 Truel 4.50 Powerhouse 5.15 Countdown

Evening

Friday 2 November

Coronation Street ITV 7.30pm

BBC 1

Daytime

Today’s Highlights

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme BBC 1 9.30pm

20

Friends Channel 4 9.00pm

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

CHOICE Science Shack BBC2, 11.35pm

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

GRiP

Insectphobes, look away now. Tonight the hitherto unknown to us Science Shack (great name) gets intimate with a plethora of suckered feet, thoraxes and, er, excreting on your food. Perhaps.

The main focus of the programme regards the fact that flies can walk upside down on the ceiling; to this end, technicians investigate the possibility of building contraptions which would enable humans to do the same. We’re not entirely sure what the practical applications of such technology would be – perhaps if you want to make your life more redolent of a Fred Quimby cartoon, this programme could change your life. Otherwise, likely to be quite fun.

29.10.01

Television

3 November

Saturday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

7.00 Little Bear 7.30 Brum 7.40 Fix and Foxi 7.50 Flint the Time Detective 8.15 Gadget Boy 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 Football Focus 12.50 BBC News; Weather 1.00 Grandstand 1.05 Rugby Union 1.20 Racing 1.40 Rugby Union 1.55 Racing 2.10 Rugby Union 2.25 Racing 2.45 Rugby Union 3.45 Football Half-Times 3.55 Rugby Union 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.15 BBC News; Weather 5.30 Wales Today. 5.35 Jim Davidson's Generation Game Siberian tigers are released into the studio but are so disgusted by Davidson that they refuse to eat him and instead shoot him with big fucking guns.

7.00 Weekend 24 9.00 FILM: Spirit of the People 10.45 Turning Points 10.50 See Hear on Saturday 11.35 The Phil Silvers Show 12.00 Stingray 12.25 Home Front Tricks 12.40 FILM: The World in His Arms 2.20 FILM: To Kill a Mockingbird “Awesome – brilliant film. From a good book – about the only good book I was made to read at school,” reminisces Film Desk. 4.25 TOTP 2 5.10 What the Papers Say With some bloke from the Daily Mail so you can watch this and throw things at the TV. I hope he reads this and comments on it. Cunt. 5.30 FILM: The Purple Plain

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 On the Ball 1.20 ITV News; Weather 1.25 HTV News and Weather 1.30 Cartoon 1.40 FILM: Carry On Cleo 3.20 The Kylie Videodrome This sounds like a fairly bomb afternoon – cartoons, Carry On and Kylie. Good work, ITV. For once you have excelled yourselves. 4.20 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News and Weather 5.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.30 Challenge of a Lifetime Claire Sweeney presents another extreme challenge for a member of the public. This week's challenge is an ascent up the Ancient Arts climb in Utah.

The what? Nah...can’t be.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.35 Blue's Clues 7.00 Irish Windsurfing Wave Classic 7.30 World Offshore Powerboating Championship 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 FANatic 10.30 Craig David – off the Hook No! No! Put him back on the hook! A bloody great meathook inside one of those industrial freezers. Leave him there until he’s learnt his lesson.

11.05 Scrapheap Challenge 12.05 Stargate SG-1 1.00 Family Guy 1.30 Channel 4 Racing from Weatherby and Newmarket 4.35 Unreported World 5.00 Newyddion News 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 WideWorld 7.00 ITN News Channel 7.30 Milkshake! 7.35 Redwall 8.05 The Powerpuff Girls 8.20 FILM: Enid Blyton: The Secret Island It’s not very secret now, is it?

Anyone watching Channel 5 will be able to find it and set up an army base. Perhaps.

10.00 Agrippine 10.30 Singled Out 11.00 Core News 11.05 Edgemont 11.30 Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane 12.00 5 News at Lunchtime 12.10 Home and Away Omnibus 2.15 Atlantis High 2.45 The Core 2.50 The Pepsi Chart 3.20 Harry and Cosh 3.45 Moto GP: Rio 5.30 Daria 5.55 5 News

6.30 Friends like These Idiot-boys battle idiot-girls for some sort of prize. My life is far too fulfilling to allow me time to watch stuff like this. Ahem....

7.25 National Lottery Winning Lines 8.10 Casualty A group of friends cause havoc at their annual firework display.

Jack's practical joke backfires. Ah, that time of year again – the ‘Oh, that rocket hasn’t gone off, I’ll just go back and...aaaargh! my eye!’ episode is upon us again.

9.00 Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) 9.50 BBC News; Weather 10.10 Parkinson Michael Parkinson introduces a special edition of the programme celebrating the career of actor, musician and songwriter Sting. Let’s hope Sting can break off Tantric shagging for the duration of the show. You don’t really need to see him going at it of a Saturday evening.

11.10 FILM: Witness “Probably a bit of a classic – Harrison Ford going Amish and doing thrillery stuff but on a cart and wearing sackcloth,” ventures Film Desk.

12.55 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Except it’s Saturday, you dolt.

1.35 A Question of Sport 2.10 Top of the Pops 2.40 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 The Curse of the Mummy Nick Robinson tells the inside story of William Hague's doomed attempt to engineer a recovery after the Tories' landslide defeat four years ago. Quite how the subject relates to the title is beyond me. Not that I’ll be watching anyway.

8.00 When Larry Met Joan – Omnibus 9.00 I Love 1999 Heather Donahue (her from out of The Blair Witch Project) introduces the last in the series exploring the pop culture of the 1990s. Yeah, good – just stop it now.

“God, 1999 – it seems so long ago...” No it doesn’t – it was bloody two years ago.

Idiots.

10.00 FILM: Blood and Wine “Not that bad actually – sort of a heisty thing. And it’s got Jack Nicholson in it and I like him,” mutters Film Desk vaguely.

11.35 FILM: The Sheltering Sky “I saw this about five years ago and I thought it was a bit nutbag but I’m going to watch it again because it was very...striking. I definitely liked it – even if I didn’t understand it,” rambles Film Desk, almost incoherently.

1.45 'orrible 2.15 Robot Wars Extreme 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 Pop Idol Tonight, 10 of the final 50 contestants give it their all as ITV viewers get to vote for their favourite. Is it so bad it’s good? Or is it just bloody awful? The jury’s still out but I’m sure you’ll be watching anyway...::sigh:: You’re such a disappointment.

7.00 The Premiership Two words: Ha ha! Insert your own ‘relegation’ gag here.

8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Chris Tarrant with a toned-down version of the high-octane quiz show Who Wants To Drink Rocket Fuel And Fart The National Anthem?

9.15 The Frank Skinner Show 9.55 Pop Idol Result 10.10 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 2 Steve Penk presents outrageous outtakes and unbleeped bloopers, as famous TV faces make embarrassing foul-ups and utter four-letter expletives.

Can I suggest that ‘penk’ be introduced as a new profanity. As in ‘you’re a bit of a penk really’ (meaning to be an inane, irritating cunt).

11.10 ITV Weekend News 11.25 The Premiership 12.55 Forever 1.50 The World's Most Dangerous Animals 2.40 Dial-a-Date 3.05 Mixmasters 3.30 Box Office America 3.55 World Sport 4.20 World Football 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon News and sport 7.30 Sadwrn Ar y Stryd 8.00 Noson Lawen 9.00 Cofio Gwenlyn 10.00 FILM: The Land Girls This has got Anna Friel in it. I’m led to believe is easy on the eye. And there isn’t much else to recommend this.

12.05 Boogie Nights in Suburbia 1.05 Late-Night Poker 2.05 Formula Rally 2.35 Freesports Festival of Manchester 3.00 FILM: Beau Brummell

6.00 Fort Boyard 7.00 Night Fever The Emmerdale boys take on the Coronation Street girls once more. With music from Paul Young and T'Pau. Clearly the producers have ears made of the purest tin.

7.55 5 News and Sport 8.15 When Dingoes Attack Oh God I wish Noel was here right now – he’d probably die laughing at a programme with a name like this. But he’s watching the Martini Henry Rifles at Clwb and I’m here. Gutted. And did I mention it’s my birthday?

Oh, apparently I did.

9.15 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.10 5 News Update 10.15 The ‘Q’ Awards Coverage of the music awards ceremony from the Park Lane Hotel, London, presented by Phil Jupitus and Edith Bowman. Look out for a gak-attack in the Park Lane area....

11.15 Shooting the Loaded Calendar Some bloke takes pictures of women and makes a programme about it.

T’riffic. If you like that sort of calendar you’ll probably love this – I pity you.

12.15 Live US Major League Baseball: World Series - Game 6 3.55 Seniors Golf 4.45 The Legend of the Hidden City 5.30 Bamboo Bears

CHOICE Pyromania – Everybody Loves Fireworks Channel 4, 6.50pm Just in time to catch the height of Bonfire Night fever (if there is such a thing), this documentary does pretty much what it says

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Grabbit the Rabbit 10.00 Gazetta Football Italia 11.00 Motor Sport: Formula Rally 11.30 Freesports Festival of Manchester 12.00 Family Guy 12.30 Little House on the Prairie 4.35 Turf Accounts 4.50 Brookside 6.15 Channel 4 News 6.50 Pyromania – Everybody Loves Fireworks 7.50 FILM: The Vikings 9.00 10.00 Top Ten TV 11.35 So Graham Norton 12.20 Lost Omnibus 1.50 4 Later: Mondo Macabro - World's Weirdest Movies 2.20 4 Later: FILM: Awakening of the Beast 3.55 The Drew Carey Show 4.20 The Norm Show 4.45 For Your Love: Birth Day 5.05 All Sorts 5.25 Countdown

on the tin – it’s a look at fireworks.

Someone’s bound to get het up about it because of the recent debate about whether or not Bonfire Night should be celebrated as blowing things up and setting fire to stuff might be considered tasteless in the light of events in America and Afghanistan.

Thing is, you see, since the whole Guy Fawkes night thing kicked off there have

Casualty BBC 1 8.10pm

Brookside Channel 4 4.50pm

Fort Boyard Channel 5 6.00pm

Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) BBC1 9.00pm

Saturday 3 November

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

GRiP

21

been countless wars, atrocities and explosions so it’s hardly likely that it won’t go ahead this year.

And if you think Bin Laden or anyone else is going to use the noise of a few crappy bangers going off in your back garden to drown out the sound of a cruise missile attack on Britain then you don’t deserve any sparklers.

29.10.01

Television

4 November

Sunday

Coronation Street ITV 7.30pm

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Geoff Hamilton's Paradise Gardens 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The War Report - an `On the Record' Special 1.00 EastEnders 2.50 The Blue Planet 3.40 My Family 4.10 The Teaching Awards Can I make a special comedy award to my Latin teacher who went nuts and thought he was a chicken. And he had balls to come back. Fair play Mr. Kern. 5.00 Points of View 5.15 BBC News; Weather 5.35 Regional News; Weather 5.40 Songs of Praise

6.45 Tweenies 7.25 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.40 The Lampies 7.50 Flint the Time Detective 8.15 Gadget Boy 8.35 Rugrats 9.05 Hollywood 7 9.30 S Club Search 9.35 Mona the Vampire 9.45 The Cramp Twins 10.00 Kenan and Kel 10.25 Byker Grove 11.20 Rex the Runt Not to be confused with Rex the Cunt who lives down my road.

11.30 Robot Wars Extreme 12.15 Roswell High 1.00 The Pop Factory 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 Sailing 2.15 Tennis 2.30 World Gymnastics Championships 4.15 Rugby Union 5.15 Scrum V

6.00 GMTV 9.25 How II I must confess that I have not seen this but apparently it’s not a patch on the original.

9.40 Fetch the Vet I’m going to hazard a guess that is going to feature cats vomiting. Watch the Hollyoaks omnibus instead.

10.00 The Ark 10.30 My Favourite Hymns 11.00 Sunday Morning 12.00 That's Esther 12.30 Waterfront 12.55 HTV News and Weather 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 2.00 Soccer Sunday Live 4.30 Holy Quiz This sounds awesome. 5.00 High Performance .5.30 Your Century.

6.10 Pippi Longstocking 6.35 Blue's Clues 7.00 Football Italia: Gazetta 7.55 Blunt attp 8.25 Model Behaviour 9.25 Hollyoaks Omnibus 11.55 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 12.30 4 Trac 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Welsh in a Week 2.30 Brookside 3.55 Extinct 4.25 Maniffesto 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Apparently, according to WathanDesk, drastic scenes are upcoming in the valley.

The whole town is going to be flooded! Shock horror!

No word yet on the casualties but expect a few actors to be filling out their P45’s and joining the dole queue.

6.00 WideWorld 6.30 Dappledown Farm 7.00 Beachcomber Bay 7.30 Milkshake! 7.35 Tickle, Patch and Friends The lives and loves of a group of young solicitors in London.

Groundbreaking drama. 8.00 The Beginner's Bible 8.30 Tintin 9.00 Tiger, Tiger 9.25 The Mole 10.30 Core News 10.35 The Big Question 11.05 Miracles of Faith 11.35 The Movie Chart Show 12.05 Wildlife Photographer 12.35 5 News at Lunchtime 12.45 FILM: Till We Meet Again 2.25 Exclusive 2.50 Family Affairs Omnibus 5.05 FILM: The Secret Garden

6.15 Last of the Summer Wine This really must the very last dregs of the summer wine. In all honesty, it’s probably mostly backwash from where people have been drinking straight from the bottle.

6.45 Antiques Roadshow Discoveries of note include a pair of outsize boots, an important collection of memorabilia from the Nuremburg trials, and an Andy Pandy memento. I didn’t make that up, watch it if you don’t believe me. One can only hope they don’t belong to the same person.

7.30 A Life on the Box: Kenneth Williams 8.00 Monarch of the Glen Strictly for grannies and dullards.

8.50 Alistair McGowan's 2000 Impressions I’m not sure if I could stomach one of his pisspoor impressions, let alone two thousand.

10.00 BBC News 10.15 Panorama: VCJD: the Risk List 10.55 FILM: Where's the Money, Noreen?

12.30 The Sky at Night Tonight Matthew the sky is going to be dark.

12.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Wild: Climbing Kilimanjaro 6.10 Wild: Nick Baker's Rattlesnakes 6.40 Wild: The Natural World: Hotel Heliconia Isn’t this a song by the Eagles?

7.30 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 8.00 Egypt's Golden Empire 8.50 The Planets - Brief Encounters: Jupiter 9.00 Invasion 10.00 Have I Got News for You 10.30 Gimme Gimme Gimme 11.00 Aaagh! It's the Mr Hell Show! Look at those exclamation marks! With that sort of panache in the title, this has got to be a worth a look. Warning: some scenes may contain Bob Monkhouse.

11.25 Correspondent: Profits of Doom John “Mein” Kampfner looks at how the gap between rich and poor countries is fanning global unrest.

12.10 Rock Profile Featuring the often stormy career of basalt and tales of the debauchery that gneiss got up to in the seventies.

12.40 Rex the Runt 12.50 Later with Jools Holland 2.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.15 ITV News; Weather 6.30 The Sketch Show Can’t say I’ve watched this, but it’s early-evening Sunday slot doesn’t augur well.

7.00 New You've Been Framed! Intriguingly this week’s edition features an appearance from Westlife.

I’m praying that it involves sound kind of hilarity involving a ladder and a bucket of paint.

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 My Uncle Silas 10.00 2DTV 10.10 ITV Weekend News 10.30 The Premiership In order to grab a few more viewers this program will subsequently be shown at 4 o’clock in the morning.

Simply wank.

11.10 Alpha - Will It Change Their Lives? Now there is a question that I’m sure that many of us have pondered down the pub with a few mates.

12.10 Faith and Music In many ways the perfect combination.

12.40 The Web Review 1.10 Roar 2.10 Dance 2000 3.00 Trisha 3.55 Cybernet 4.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.30 Gwenlyn Parry 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Llwybrau Paul 9.00 Y Twr 10.50 Newyddion News 11.05 FILM: Scream 2 1.20 Beneath the Veil 2.15 The Big Idea 3.10 WWF Heat 3.55 FILM: Holy Matrimony

7.00 5 News and Sport 7.30 Motorsport Max 8.00 The Mole More chaotic adventures featuring our furry friend.

9.00 FILM: Silver Streak 11.15 Murder Detectives: Case Files: Out of the Grave The series looking at how forensic science has helped solve serious crimes examines how advances in science and technology assist in solving previously unsolvable cases - even those from ancient times.

12.15 Live US Major League Baseball: World Series - Game 7 3.50 NHL Ice Hockey Oh fuck I appear to have left myself with a lengthy stretch of column space to fill and I can’t think of anything interesting to say. And it’s quite late and I’m tired and a little bit sweaty and I want to go home. I quite want to crawl into my bed and dream of a world made of marshmallows where you can talk to cats and rabbits.

Talking of which I had a dream the other night that I was a jockey wearing bright pink silks and I was in the Grand National but I didn’t have a horse so I had to climb the fences myself.

Explain that one.

CH4. As S4C except: 7.05 The Hoobs 7.30 CatDog 8.00 Investigators 8.30 One World 9.00 T4: Blunt 9.30 T4: Popworld 10.30 T4: Hollyoaks 1.00 T4: Model Behaviour 2.00 FILM: The Trouble With Angels 4.05 The Big Idea 5.05 Stargate SG-1 6.00 Scrapheap Challenge 7.00 Bin Laden the Early Years 7.30 Channel 4 News 8.00 Untold - an Indian Affair: The Road to the Raj 9.00 Witness: The Devil's Playground 10.00 FILM: Scream 2 12.15 Football Italia - La Partita 1.15 WWF Heat 2.05 The Chequered Flag 3.00 Irish Windsurfing Wave Classic 3.30 World Offshore Powerboating 3.55 Motor Sport: Formula Rally 4.20 Freesports Festival of Manchester 4.50 Driven 5.15 Countdown

Evening

Sunday 4 November

Rex the Runt BBC 2 12.15am

BBC 1

Daytime

Today’s Highlights

Monarch of the Glen BBC 1 8.00pm

22

The mole CH5 8.00pm

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

CHOICE Jonny Briggs BBC1, TV Yesteryear

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

GRiP

I know that this isn’t very pratical seeing as that this does not actually appear in the listings, but I’m sure if you look hard enough on BBC Choice you’ll come across this little gem.

There you will be transported to the gritty terraces of Middlesborough and the life of a young boy and his dog.

From the classic trombone theme tune to the engrossing adventures of Jonny and his dysfunctional family, the programme is a delight from start to finish.

So all together now, “Oh Razzle”. Yes. 29.10.01

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY STUDENTS’ UNION

This Week (October/November)

29 Fun Factory - 9PM-1AM SOLUS FREE ENTRY

WITH ”BEAT THE CLOCK”; 9-10 80P A PINT 10-11£1 A PINT

30 Comedy Club with CHRIS ADDISON- 8PM, £3.50 SOLUS 31 Jive Hive- SOLUS 9PM-1AM £2.50 02 Lashtastic XPRESS RADIO LAUNCH PARTY- 9PM-1AM SOLUS £2.50 WINE £4.75 A BOTTLE

£1 A PINT ON SELECTED BEERS ALL NIGHT ! BROADCAST LIVE ON 106.8FM

03 SUMOfeaturingThe Freestylers (DJ SET FEATURING MATT CANTOR) 9PM £7 SEREN LAS 03 Disco Stu - 9PM-1AM SOLUS £3.50 04 Java- SEREN LAS 7-11PM FREE ENTRY

WINE £4.75 A BOTTLE LIQUER £1 A SHOT

Coming Soon

20.11

Embrace 7.30PM, £12.50 adv GREAT HALL Wheatus 7.30PM, £12.50 adv GREAT HALL Delirious? 7PM, £10 adv GREAT HALL SUMOpresentsFC Kahuna 9PM-1AM, £7 SEREN LAS Ministry of Sound Tour 9PM-1AM, £2 SOLUS

29.11

BBC Radio1’s Dave Pearce

9PM-1AM, £5 GREAT HALL

03.12

The Orange Music On Campus Tour

FUN FACTORY PRESENTS

10.11 15.11 16.11 17.11

WITH JOHN ‘00’ FLEMING AND MARK HUGHES

ALL TICKETS FROM PREVIOUS CANCELLED DATE VALID

9PM-1AM, FREE ENTRY SOLUS

ROOM 1 dj touche (the wiseguys) and cut la roc ROOM 2 Nuphonic Records presents faze action & the idjut boys 06.12 09.12

So Solid Crew Basement Jaxx

WITH OXIDE AND NEUTRINO

7.30PM, £14 adv GREAT HALL

7.30PM, £15 adv GREAT HALL

www.cardiffstudents.com

Box Office Opening Hours: 10.00am - 12.00am Mon - Fri, 12noon - 12.00 Midnight Sat 7.00pm - 10.30pm Sun Telephone: 029 20781458 Second Floor, Student Union Building

29.10.01

Focus

The Gair Rhydd Features Section Free Word 698

Trick or Treat?

Trick or treat? Yes, it’s blatant blackmail and morally wrong. Rebecca Pash unmasks Halloween so that this year you can avoid becoming a victim of those cheeky little brats dressed in bin bags.

L

ike Christmas and Easter, Halloween is one of those celebrations that definitely nosedives in your estimations as you mature. Christmas was previously equated with presents, Easter was chocolate and Halloween meant vomiting with satisfaction after stuffing you face with all the sweets you managed to blag by successfully impressing grannies with your bin bag attire.

As a teenager the emphasis shifted to decorating houses and unlucky victims in flour and eggs, generally causing as much disturbance as possible without getting arrested and nicking a few treats from defenceless little devils along the way. All great fun until there is absolutely no excuse to go trick or treating (sorry, being an undernourished student is not a valid excuse) and you find yourself on the receiving end of those annoying little brats screaming it in your face as you regret you ever bothered to answer the door.

“Sorry, don’t do Halloween” was my natural response last year as I found myself being confronted for the first time upon leaving home with the proposition of a trick or treat. Had I still been at home, I probably would have been an absolute sucker like my mother and come up with the goods. But as a student my obvious thought was why the hell should I go handing out the little food I have in my cupboard to absolute strangers?

Do their mothers not feed them? This was the wrong response: I had forgotten that I was being

I managed to slam the door shut, narrowly missing an aggressive flour and water assault that remained a gooey, doughy mess of a reminder for weeks to come

subject to blackmail. I managed to slam the door shut, narrowly missing an aggressive flour and water assault that remained a gooey, doughy mess of a reminder for weeks to come. “Cheeky little shits!” I thought… “Kids these days have no respect!”

Or do they? I was a well-balanced child. I had respect. I wasn’t a troublemaker. Yet on Halloween I found myself doing wicked things like pouring beer in car radiators and breaking eggs through the letterboxes of holiday homers who would be welcomed by the stench months later on their return. This one night was an excuse to behave like this without thinking twice.

It wasn’t my fault though and I’m taking no responsibility for my actions…I was corrupted by Halloween just like the rest of you probably were.

And this year October the 31 is sure to breed a whole new generation of little devils, if only for one night. In America (and lets hope only in America) last October a fourth grade teacher asked her students to write a short essay on what they would most like to do to celebrate Halloween.

Eighty percent of her class of nine-year-olds expressed the wish to ‘kill someone’. If this is anything to go by then Halloween cannot simply be classed as harmless fun and it’s no surprise that as the celebrations become increasingly candy coated and commercialised and the tricks become increasingly ruthless an anti-Halloween message is attempting to expose the 31 of October for what it really is.

The thing is that not many people do know what Halloween is all about and why it is celebrated.

After watching films like E.T. I think I always classed it as something that Americans did in a big way and therefore just a date invented around hype in the interests of marketing and commerce, a bit like Mother and Fathers day. But, no… Halloween is fully home-grown and its roots are over 2000 years old. It began with the Celts…the English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh, most of who were preChristian druids.

The 31 October marked the beginning of the Celtic New Year, when the end of the summer was observed by making sacrifices to Shaman, the druid lord of death and evil spirits. They believed that Shaman released sinful lost souls upon the earth for one night on October 1 while they awaited judgement. They were thought to throng about the houses of the living and were greeted with banquet-laden tables, given as a sacrifice to prevent being harmed by the demons. There are also records of druids making human sacrifices in worship of Shaman. Stonehenge is the most famous surviving Druid Sacrificial Circle and within three miles of this site there are over 350 funeral mounds where the victims of sacrifice are believed to be buried.

Then there was the birth of Christianity and it

just wasn’t the done thing to go sacrificing people to Shaman any longer. Many druids converted to Christianity, yet Halloween survived. Early Christians, desiring a part in the traditional festivities, created All Saints’ Day to coincide with the Celtic Autumn Feast on November 1. Then along came the Satanists who in their usual style reversed the Christian procedure, establishing October 31 as “All Demon’s Night”.

Halloween predictably became a night of spells, curses and horror for those who did not believe and for Satanists and witches it became a joyous festival, which is pretty much the way it remains today, ironically. Despite historically being an occultic worship day, Halloween (in a diluted form) is celebrated by Christian society far more vigorously than All Saints Day, much to the horror of the practising Christian community.

Don’t be surprised if this year you open the door to a bunch of dutiful Christians putting Ephesians 5:11 into practice, “…have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.” They’ll probably harp on about spiritual wickedness, diabolical evil and detail some of the unwholesome events that take

W i t c h e s c ov e n s meet, drink, dance, spit out curses, cast spells, conjure up spirits, induct new members, get naked and engage in sexual orgies

Use a Long Spoon if you Sup with the Devil place on the number one satanic holiday of the year.

Apparently, witches covens meet, drink, dance, spit out curses, cast spells, conjure up spirits, induct new members, get naked and engage in sexual orgies. Halloween sees the highest rate of satanic ritual crimes. Graveyard desecration is not uncommon and if you’re out walking in a national park area you’re likely to find numerous remains of small animals on November 1st. There are also stories that the week prior to Halloween sees a spurt in the number of children kidnapped. They become missing people statistics but are secretly sacrificed by witches who have become experts at covering up sacrifices by using heavy-duty cremation ovens. No joke. Get on the internet and there is actually a screen of kids’ names and faces, all of whom went missing the week before Halloween. You might well put it down to some sort of Christian propaganda crusade. But whether you choose to believe it or not, I reckon all of it makes perfect sense not to encourage kids to take part in this evil, evil day by giving them sweets.

So this year, I advise tactics. Secret weapon number one is the content of this article. If you’re determined not to give those trick or treaters anything, have a bit of time on your hands and are willing to do a good deed on behalf of the Christian community then give the little blighters a good long history lesson about the evils of Halloween and devil worship. However, if a good deed is not owing and you want to relive your youth, I suggest playing the kids at their own game. Don a convincing Scream-style grim reaper costume and scare them shitless by acting like a complete nutter. Alternatively, if you really have nothing better to do on Halloween and find it hard to say no then stay in, watch some appropriately titled Halloween classics, wait for the knocks and arm yourself with some specially prepared stale biscuits. However, if you do have a problem with being able to say no then the best thing to escape the trick or treaters altogether is to get the hell out of your house. Be a devil, get your horns on and go in search of happy tricks and heaps of treats!

Inside Focus this week: The propaganda war: how the press is distorted for political means• The life of a vegan • Travel in Indonesia • Are you getting the best deal from your TV? • Feeling peckish? Focus takes a trip to Daquiri’s

The Real Propaganda

14 • Focus

Gair Rhydd Monday 29 October 2001

With the war of words continuing throughout the world, Aditi Bhatia takes a look at the more light hearted side of propaganda

Y

es, it is true. There is a hidden dimension to the hideous tragedy that took place September 11, leaving the world stark, naked and shocked to every bone in the body. This new side, one that has been hidden from the curious eyes of the world, reveals to us the chilling facts of the political-religious-nonsensical saga that alarmed people all over the world.

Fact One: OSAMA’S ‘MUPPET’ STATE October 11, 2001 – Will the Bert who stole our hearts be the next to join the FBI list of the most wanted terrorists from around the world? The children’s favourite room-mate, this week, shared space with terror lord Osama Bin Laden on posters wielded by anti-American extremists during violent protests in Bangladesh. Both Reuters and The Associated Press are distributing the pictures to newspapers, and officials say the images are not doctored.

“They’re 100 percent legitimate,” said a Reuters spokeswoman.

The pictures have “Sesame Street” executives fuming.

‘Sesame Street has always stood for mutual respect and understanding,’ Sesame Workshop producers said in a statement.

‘It is painful to see a member of our show leave our world of love, comfort and peace to join the messiah of terror.’

Fact Two: CHENEY: ‘BUSH HAS NOT YET BEEN TOLD ABOUT THE TERRORIST ATTACKS.’ Washington D.C – Vice President Dick Cheney today acknowledged the fact that President George W. Bush had not been informed about the terrorist attacks that took place on September 11. ‘When Texas Ranger was cancelled I had to tell him that some bad men did some bad things,’ said Cheney.

As for leading the US response to the attacks Cheney confessed that Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfield and himself plan the strategy while the President occasionally interrupts with an exuberant ‘I found him! He’s in this cave!’ from his specially made ‘Where’s Osama?’ book.

Fact Three: EXTREME CAUTION CONDITIONS DESIGN OF NEW AIRBUS 167

‘It is painful to see a member of our show leave our world of love, comfort and peace to join the messiah of terror.’

Fact Four: NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTS SPOOF PREDICTIONS In a startling discovery today it has been claimed that medieval philosopher and prophet Nostradamus has not only foreseen most of the events that have occurred in the world, including quite a few that haven’t happened yet, but also the fact that his own predictions would be spoofed by internet hoaxes.

A large number of quatrains have circulated the Internet since the World Trade Centre disaster.

These sayings which refer to “two brothers of York in battle”, “the mighty crashing of towers into the sea” and, most appallingly, “several well prepared Middle Eastern suicide bombers who will crash four planes into targets in the US on September 11 2001” were all attributed to Nostradamus.

M a n y Nostradamus followers took these as final definitive proof that the ancient prophet was infact enlightened and empowered

by God to look in the future and the use the Internet to spread his gospel. One site records that “The mighty Nostradamus has once again shown his ability to foretell the future. Every time a great catastrophe happens, we are able to look back and find that Nostradamus had foreseen it and warned us of it. Alas, we have not yet mastered the challenging art of discerning the meaning of his lines before the event.”

However, new evidence, which has come to light as a result of our investigations, has suggested that Gary Pipe of Brentwood, Essex, created the recent sayings in an attempt to impress his friends and persuade Tanya Ellis of the same town to sleep with him.

Clearly rattled by this revelation, Nostradamus watchers have scoured the texts again and have found several quatrains that they claim predict this turn of events.

According to M a r t i n Blackburn of Nostradamus interest group C r y s t a l Gazing Tree Huggers “We believe Nostradamus was aware that charlatans would try and mislead the true believers. Only whose eyes have been opened to the deeper meanings of the spiritual world will be open to the message of Nostradamus. To us it is obvious that a

quatrain referring to ‘Large blue oxen with pointed teeth that shall swarm from a boiling sea’ is actually warning against some cynical little shit in Essex who will try and make us look like fools. You just have to know what you’re looking for.”

However, other modern prophets have been quick to dismiss Nostradamus as a fraud whose reputation has been greatly overstated by the modern world. “Unlike myself he has no relevance to modern living and provides no answers to modern problems,” claimed professional psychic Uri Geller. “See how I am blessed with true power and bring understanding to all nations and races by warping easy-to-bend cutlery.”

President George Bush, however, is taking no chances and has asked the CIA to study the works of the philosopher and prophet. Apparently, through a careful reading of the verses they have already gleaned that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding out in Afghanistan, trouble could be ahead in Gaza and this is believed to be the substance of the “compelling evidence” which no-one else is allowed to see. “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this guy before?” asked the President, “Especially this bit about ‘Number 43 better sit quietly and do as he’s told by Mr Cheney and Mr Powell.’”

Fact Five: DISCOVERED: TO-DO LIST OF AL-QAEDA NETWORK. The FBI discovered today papers containing the strategic plans of the Al-Qaeda network, and is hoping that this will help them in devising their future tactics.

1. Morning exercise – thrash infidels with stave 2. Trim beard – carefully 3. Check closets for US Commandos 4. Make sure wives are entombed in acres of heavy, dark fabric 5. Meet the boys @ the bath house 6. Buy makeup before next taping! (Revlon AgeDefying Cover-up?)

7. Stone the guilty 8. Read Koran (the OTHER Koran – the one with the body bomb blueprints) 9. Secretly watch banned “You’ve Got Mail” DVD. Remember: Tears = Weakness 10. Call FTD – need birthday balloon bouquet for Osama 11. Hang the innocent 12. Floss 13. Get drunk on insanity 14. Go camel tipping PUBLIC HEALTH ADVISORY You do not have anthrax poisoning unless you have noticed at least two of the following symptoms: Occasional fatigue Sporadic flatulence Sweating during vigorous exercise Pe r i o d i c yawning Worry about a n t h r a x poisoning

Gair Rhydd Monday 29 October 2001

Propaganda plays its part in every conflict, but never more so than now.

Stephen Cushion looks at the war of words on both sides of the world

A

ll great characters have one fatal flaw; Hamlet’s was indecision; Supermans’ was kyroptonite; and the Tin Man, well, he had no heart.

Indeed, Tony Blair, our Prime Minister has spin.

I am not the first, nor will I be the last to draw this conclusion.

Newspaper commentators and academics alike, have written extensively about t h e PMs obsession with controlling the news cycle and ‘governing by headline’. Bigger problems occur, however, when Western spin meets Middle Eastern spin in climates of war and fatal consequence.

Modern warfare is unconditionally dependent on how the media portray it.

Equally, we, the citizen, rely assiduously on our newspapers, televisions, radios and computers to receive, react and respond to events.

Democracy, liberalism, freedom of the press you may shout, are therefore functioning legitimately, creating an inquisitive and informed public sphere.

Western governments have perpetually pointed to this aspect of western governance as a powerful and progressive instrument, personifying our liberal discourses and diverse democracies. They’re right of course.

Difficulties transpire when Eastern governments replicate this democracy and envelop Western interests: allowing private, Middle East, state-free medias to exist autonomously and uncensored. Problems? You may inquire, where? Who? What? In a nut-shell – AlJazeera, a relatively new Arabic-language satellite channel, available to all global airwaves; giving Osama Bin Laden a mouthpiece; and offering the Middle-Eastern community (and us), an alternative window on the world.

To place this ‘problem’ in

context, we must first remind ourselves of how US conflicts have been relayed to the world before.

Conflicts in Grenada, Panama and especially in the Gulf have all been reported by correspondents accompanying peripheral military operations, (as they are now) pursing political positives and thus, ruling out the possibility of narration. War, in essence, was highly mediated – fulfiling political aims and awakening any dormant patriotism.

“Globalisation,” as one commentator sneered means, “being further away from, not nearer, the military action. More space, less truth.” In other words, Western governments who cultivated and thus, coined the concept – globalisation – have managed to suppress globalisation’s democratic benefits and control its effects.

This is where Blair’s impotent and destructive obsession with spin is most pertinent. The positives of globalisation always come with negatives: with winners come losers. Enter Osama Bin Laden.

Bin Laden, al-Qa’ida and the Taliban regime have all benefited from the globalisation of information and practice, especially in media and financial matters. Insurance brokers have kept quiet about the amount of insurance money, deliberately invested by members of al-Qa’ida before September 11 and the huge windfall of their profits. And in America’s media-centric world of communications and from prior conflicts fought, the al-Qa’ida have learnt and adopted the PR skills necessary to fight in ‘globalised’ warfare.

Bin Laden has played David to a tee and knocked down Goliath, with all-its media might.

He may not have America’s military muscle, but with a video-player and a willing publicist you’re half way there.

Let us now dissect the details of the propaganda exchange that has re-dressed the dwarf-sized alQa’ida network with the superpower of the West.

Bin Laden has excelled in the methods of war propaganda both by following the Western model and using it to expose the West’s ostensible interest in the region and arrogant diplomatic relations. The war of words began minutes after the allies’ attack on Afghanistan. Bin Laden had pre-recorded a video that was released to Al-Jazerra and dispatched through the Arabic world and onto the West. The video-message was cleverly constructed – denouncing the allied attack and establishing a dichotomy between the West and the Islamic world.

Immediate attempts by Western governments to appease Muslim leaders and reprimand religious retaliators appeared artificial and self-rewarding, as political and financial promises reinforced the Middle East’s view on Western’s capitalist and imperialistic motivation. Anti-Americanism especially was spreading like the plague through out Pakistan and Palestine and on-to the Philippines. On the surface, inter-governmental meetings denoted diplomacy, whilst underneath lurked diplomatic aggravation, with bigger protests and growing unease of their governments. All the while, Al-Jazzera relayed images of Muslim victims bombed and blasted out of their villages, dislodging further, the shaky foundations of relations between East and West, visually reinforcing the divisions between them.

East and West have both succeeded in demonising their opponents; issues of right and wrong have blurred into a subjective televisual construction: what is truthful reality? Truth relies on information and education, through which the media’s virtual-visual interpretation acts out – depicting our reality, which the audience then receives, reacts and responds, based on their knowledge of information and education. The sad truth is that in our own communities we are both perceived as ‘right’: Tony Blair has an approval rating of 80%, whilst 80% in the Middle Eastern region think America oppresses the Muslim world.

You may think at this point, who cares? We know better. We have higher education, health, freedom of information and so on. The two are not mutually exclusive. It does matter, if we do not want to repeat the events of September 11 again.

To explain my point further, let us first decontextualise the objectives of the war and their macro implications. Yes we need to bring Bin Laden to justice, and this includes breaking down the infrastructures that sponsor or overlook such intentions. However, this will not win the longterm propaganda issue; this is a short-term reprisal that stops similar attacks. The real propaganda war begins when we start to reduce the 80% of Muslims who feel oppressed and overpowered by the American government and their quieter Western friends.

This 80% should be seen as a manifestation of Bin Laden’s mythical influence; inflamed as a reaction to their impoverishedness and derision; and on the inconsistent messages dealt-out from the West in relation to the years of funding to their own ‘perceived’ terrorists – Israel. Bin Laden stands symbolic of Western-neglect, through the distorted pages of the Koran – a tool used to manipulate and master the malnourished and misguided.

Whichever way the war goes: Bin Laden’s trial or death, it will unquestionably promote Bin Laden’s subversive status – a legend and god-like figure who opposed Western values of oppression and championed the Islamic rights. In PR terms, Osama, is winning. Spectacle illuminates this -

flashing lights and thunderous explosions convey the graphical features that define the familiar sights and sounds of modern warfare. An al-Qa’ida memo pre-Sep 11 could easily have read: let us make sure it looks like the West are tyrannising the Middle-East. Forget Jo Moore get me Osama.

Let us bring it back again to Blair, our elected leader, whose job it is to protect and pursue the values which we voted for. Blair’s attempts (alongside Bush’s) last week to censor and restrict the reporting of Al-Jazzera and several independently driven reports must be condemned.

Not only does this obstruct our own democratic values, it impedes on the window of the Islamic world that already distrusts our motives. Spin can only can you so far. By definition, it’s the misrepresentation of the perceived ‘truth.’ Can we now not venture forward with reality that is proven by action, in a self-qualified form of health, education and religious autonomy.

Western societies may have become sophisticated decoders of spin, but imagine the Middle-East’s life-time of scepticism, anguish and empty-promises. Quite frankly there is no contest.

Let’s fight spin with action – delivering an education that feeds their own empowerment. Then maybe the war will be over.

“

Bin Laden has played David to a tee and knocked down Goliath, with all-its media might. He may not have America’s militar y muscle, but with a videoplayer and a willing publicist you’r e half way ther e

“

Bombs, lies and videotapes

Focus • 15

16 • Focus

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Gair Rhydd Monday 29 October 2001

A World Without Meat The 7th ‘World Vegan Day’ is being celebrated this week in the aftermath of yet another food crisis. Dan McKee investigates the ethical and health implications of becoming vegan

“Meat is still murder, dairy is still rape And I’m still as stupid as anyone but I know my mistakes I have recognized one form of oppression now I recognize the rest And life’s too short to make another’s shorter.”

-Propaghandi, Nailing Descartes To The Wall (Liquid) Meat Is Still Murder

I

n a day and age of mad cow disease and foot and mouth, we should all be familiar with vegetarianism. All of us probably know someone who has decided, for whatever reason, to cut meat out of their diet or are ourselves vegetarian. I made the decision to become a vegetarian three and a half years ago after deciding that, with the meat industry so completely uncaring, cruel and corrupt, not only did

I not want to be responsible for any undue animal suffering, but that it was probably better for my own health as well.

While everyone has at least a vague idea of what vegetarianism is, not so many people are aware of veganism. In fact, as I write this, the spell-check programme on my computer doesn’t even recognize the word as if to emphasize the point.

Well, all this confusion should end soon because November 1 is ‘World Vegan Day’, and here we’re going to let you all know what veganism is really all about.

While vegetarians cut meat out of their diet, vegans take the next logical step and refrain from eating dairy products as well. They do this for a variety of reasons.

Firstly, there are the animal-rights

arguments. Alongside the usual vegetarian arguments against eating meat, are the additional reasons to refrain from dairy and any other animalderived produce.

As a result of the modern intensive farming methods being employed in order to maximize profits, animals are treated not as feeling, thinking creatures, but as mere commodities to be used and abused. Many cows are milked way beyond their capacity to cope, leading to infertility, infections and lameness, with some forced into extended lactation for as long as eighteen months. Also, many calves, needed to induce the lactation in the mothers, are sold for meat soon after as they are no longer needed.

Eggs and battery farms have been well-documented, but still the majority of our eggs originate from these inhumane conditions, and free-range guidelines have several loopholes that mean even those eggs sold as cruelty free, are not necessarily what you think they are.

Vegans are basically seeing that if you are against animal cruelty, you shouldn’t be encouraging it by buying the products of its perpetuation.

Veganism is a way of saying no to this kind of animal exploitation and through something as small as changing your diet patterns, making a personal statement that you do not accept this cruelty.

The diet also has health benefits as the fat and cholesterol found in dairy products stop entering your body, decreasing your chances of heart disease and certain cancers. Veganisim also protects you, of course, from dodgy meat-related diseases that have been plaguing the meat industry of late, the bacteria and hormones found in much of our milk, and all the usual chance of illness associated with meat and dairy.

While many see this drastic change of dietary habits as an impossibly extreme switch from our more traditional Western eating habits, the

seventh annual World Vegan Day on November 1 aims to increase awareness of the issues and also reveal how easy the lifestyle change can actually be.

So if the thought of torture and slaughter of feeling and aware animals makes you uncomfortable, maybe November 1 is the day you can start looking into what you can do in your life to try and eliminate this kind of suffering. Try a day without meat and dairy products and see that going without these things is not really as scary or stupid as it sounds…think about meat farming and it’s implications…maybe take your first steps towards a cruelty free diet and at least go vegetarian? Whatever you decide to do, just remember on November 1 that even though we are surrounded by a tradition of animal consumption, there is an alternative option, and the number of people taking it up and refusing to be a part of our culture of animal cruelty is growing yearly. It is your choice as to whether you wish to accept or resist this cruelty, and this choice is made with your knife and fork.

Animals are treated not as feeling, thinking creatures, but mere commodities to be used and abused

Dining...in student style

Forget the darkening autumnal evenings and looming essay deadlines and treat yourselves to a yummy munch on a budget. This week, Katy Morgan and Katherine Wood check out Daiquiris, on Salisbury Road

D

ue to our growing concern at your slovenly eating habits here in student land, we thought that rather than let you starve, we’d make it our taxing mission to suss out the highs and lows of dining on a budget in Cardiff. Not just an excuse for us to pig out every Sunday lunchtime, our weekly guide should help you decide which of these worthy establishments deserves a regular share of your loan cheque.

Our first port of call was the restaurant formally known as Seasons, now Daiquiris, it has turned into one of Cathay’s top eateries...

On a budget?

Delicious or Nutritious?

Student discounts?

Definitely delicious. Daquiris is the new classier alternative to our old fav’ The Twat (currently undergoing another makeover). The full-to-bursting menu offers a wide range of Mexican corkers, and around ten varieties of burgers, nachos and fry ups. Don’t forget the specials board; the Pesto Steak comes highly recommended. Beware, portions are big enough to satisfy the beefiest rugby player but if he’s still hungry, give him a Mississippi mud pie for dessert.

Cheapest bite: Tortilla Wraps/ Baguettes/ club sarnies all at £1.95 to £3.95.

Splashing out?

Most expensive: From Enchilladas at £6.50 to an 8oz fillet steak at £11.95.

Drinks anyone?

Beer on tap and the usual bottles in the fridge.

Cocktails: if its not on the board they’ll mix it up for a meagre £2.95.

For the morning after the Margerita before, there is a surprisingly large range of coffees and steamers.

None, but the food’s cheap enough!

Atmosphere?

Ikea simplicity crossed with traditional wooden furniture puts Daiquiris at the cutting edge of Cathays chic. The chilled out colour scheme is a funky alternative to the gloom of the Tav. Even your parents will approve.

The clientele is undoubtedly studenty hence the music which is pure cheese (although we wish someone would hide

Michael J’s “History” album!)

Service?

Standard wait is 15 to20 minutes for food.

Staff are extremely friendly and the free nachos refills are an added bonus.

Star Rating? *****

Opening hours are flexible.

Earliest kick out time is 5pm on Sundays.

Private hire and late licence (2.00am) available.

Bookings 02920 344 807

Gair Rhydd Monday 29 October 2001

Check In: Indonesia II

Focus • 17

Following the exploration of the dark dirty streets of Jakarta last week, Paul Adams takes a rather different route through Indonesia, discovering the island of Sumatra... long been Northern Sumatra’s premier attraction for travellers and has an abundant supply of accommodation and eateries ringing the shoreline.

The main town in the area is Parapat, on the eastern shore of Lake Toba. Waking up each day was a treat. I’d walk out of my room and jump into the lake for a pre-breakfast swim. Days can be spent just relaxing or exploring the island. For the imaginative person it’s a fine place to be. You can hire mopeds, bikes or go on walks. Night-times were a good time to chat to fellow travellers and exchange a few stories.

T

he Foreign Office were advising people to contact the British embassy to get the latest update on the security situation. However having met two people who raved on about how good Sumatra was, I decided to catch the ferry from Melaka in Malaysia.

was just what I needed after a rough three-hour ferry ride and a bus journey that at times I didn’t think I’d survive. The driver would speed along with a minibus full of people. On the journey he killed several chickens, each time laughing out loud. The roads aren’t that smooth, with potholes everywhere.

Add to that all the slow tankers transporting oil and loads of families on mopeds, it was quite a stressful journey. In the bar I met a couple of local guys who Sumatra has a wealth of natural resources, particularly oil, but despite this, is struggling with a were organising a trip to Siberuit Island, an Island off the West coast in the Indian Ocean. They were failing economy. The northern province of Aceh leaving the day after tomorrow and asked if I was was at the epicentre of recent religious violence interested in joining them. At times you really don’t between Christians and Muslims and the area has have time to think when travelling. Going with the been hit by devastating earthquakes. When I was there we heard stories of the Indonesian government flow is the best way to approach it. It’s a bit like fate really and after such a sequence of events it sending poisoned cigarettes to Aceh with several seemed like too good an opportunity to miss. people dying from this. Despite all this there are several attractions which cannot be missed if you’re in the area. I arrived in Bukitinggi at 2am. Luck Siberuit was an experience in itself – living with was on my side since the driver dropped me off at a tribal people in the jungle. It was one of the best place to stay with people still up drinking. A beer places I have ever been, but I’ll write more about it later this year!Bukitinggi was a lively place with some interesting markets to look at. Walking round the town I met some really friendly locals including a few who were studying English. They were eager to practise their conversational skills with me, so I chatted for over an hour with them. One thing that has really stuck in my mind was how smiley these people were. It’s not like walking round London where everyone seems emotionless and avoids eye contact. The school kids I chatted to told me that learning English was important if they wanted to get a good job. They speak Bahasa Melayu in Sumatra plus several local languages.

“One thing that has really stuck in my m i n d wa s h o w s m i l ey t h e s e p e o p l e we r e . I t ’s n o t l i k e wa l k i n g round London w h e r e e v e r yo n e seems emotionless a n d av o i d s eye

Lake Toba is another of the island’s spectacular sights. An incredible volcanic crater lake, set in the middle of northern Sumatra, 176km from Medan.

The lake is huge (the largest in South-East Asia), occupying the caldera of a giant volcano that collapsed in on itself after a massive eruption some 100,000 years ago. The lake is surrounded by steep mountains, ridges and sandy, pine-sheltered beaches. After a week of trekking and living in the jungle this was a nice place to chill out. Great to have some rest and recreation. A few people that I met on the trip and I stayed in Samosir, the wedgeshaped island in the middle of the lake. It is thought that the island was created by constant upheavals between 30,000 and 75,000 years ago. Samosir has

Travel is fairly easy around Sumatra. There are tourist buses, which take you from one destination to another without stopping. However I opted for the local bus service which takes more time but is cheaper. In my opinion you get more out of travelling if you try as hard as you can to live as the locals live. You meet real Indonesians, stop in local villages and generally experience lots more. The bus journey North was enjoyable with lots of interesting scenery. Rice fields and badminton courts are some of the things that stick most in my memory. After a bit of research I found out that for Indonesia, badminton is one of the best sports to get gold medals in the Olympics. In 1992 Indonesia gained a gold medal for men and womens singles for Alan Budikusuma and Susi Susanti. In 1996 they took gold for double men players. They have also produced some of the world’s greatest players such as Liem Swie King, Icuk Sugiarto, Rudi Hartono, Susi Susanti, if any of those names mean anything to anyone!

The final place I visited was the jungle wilderness of Gunung Leuser National Park. The national park, which is one of the largest in the world, includes the Orang-utan Rehabilitation Centre, an area containing orang-utans, gibbons, monkeys, elephants, tigers and the elusive Sumatran rhinoceros. Here I went on a two-day trek into the jungle camping out overnight. We came across several orang-utans, which means literally a “man of the woods”. They are incredible creatures that seem intrigued by humans. Orang-utans swing from tree to tree, rarely touching the ground. They are only found in the jungles of Sumatra and Kalimantan (Borneo). The National Park was set up to try and protect these incredible creatures from illegal logging. It has been successful but continuing support is needed. Without the Orangutan Foundation International (OFI)-funded police and community patrols all the commercially

important trees of the Park would be gone in one or two years. For more information on the work of the OFI, check out there website on:www.orangutan.org.

When we returned from the trek we stayed in a village called Bukit Lawang. The village was really amazing since it is either side of a white-water river. Many tourists visit here, so finding accommodation is not difficult. Due to the tropical heat of the jungle the river is where you want to head after the trek. There was a place to hire massive tyre inner tubes, which we did, and had great fun going down through the rapids.

When it came to leaving this amazing island, I caught the ferry from Medan back to Penang. Medan, the capital of Sumatra, was not really the nicest place to stay. Having been in the wilderness in truly beautiful places I guess now it was time to leave. There’s just something about cities which is quite nasty.

“Rice fields and badminton cour ts are some of the things that stick m o s t i n my m e m o r y. I f o u n d out that in Indonesia, badminton is one of the best spor ts to get gold medals in the Olympics”

Gair Rhydd Monday 29 October 2001

Welcome to nt-hell At the cutting edge of consumer news, as ever, Gair Rhydd, this week has the ntl expose that BBC Watchdog wanted.

Alex Griffith tells his story.

H

aving already sampled the University’s unlimited access to the Internet, I, along with my new housemates, decided that we would profit from having this useful source of information in our own home for the coming year.

Like many students in Cardiff who have returned after four months of heavy duty relaxing, we would embrace the digital revolution with open arms. ntl offered the best package, consisting of cable television and phone line, plus cable modem. We were assured that all that we were required to pay for were the phone calls and a set monthly fee and all Internet usage thereafter was absolutely free.

We promptly telephoned ntl to arrange for a rep to visit us who, naturally insisted that his was the company for us. The television and telephone line were fully operational within minutes, and, our friendly rep had insisted that our cable modem would reach us within two days of our signing. Two weeks after the installation of the digital television and phone, though, we still had no word from ntl concerning the whereabouts of our modem, that we had been paying for for nearly a month.

“I telephoned the rep,” said Oliver Sealey, one of my housemates. “He insisted that he had sent a modem on two separate occasions to the house, and said he couldn’t understand why neither had reached us.” The house decided that our rep was not going to be of any more use and that we may get a bit further talking directly to the company.

“After being put on hold time and time again for hours by an ntl Helpline, we finally discovered that there was no record whatsoever of the company having sent one

modem, let alone two,” stated Mr Sealey. ntl seem to have no contact with their reps, and were completely oblivious to this problem.

We were then informed by ntl, that it would be quite impossible for us to collect a modem from any of their offices nearby, due to the fact that they themselves purchased their modems from a company based in Glasgow.

The Scottish company then employed a distribution group called Global Direct who, in turn, deliver the modems to a Cardiff based distributor called Amtrak.

“As customers of ntl it is not our responsibility to deal with the delivery of the modem. It should be delivered as part of the service.”

“It seemed to be a classic case of passing the buck,” fumed James Sefton, also a resident. “Everybody seemed unwilling to accept responsibility for their bumper sized blunder.”

After finding out the details of the delivery, Mr Sealey called Amtrak and found there was no possibility of delivery for the next four days. By this stage, we were so fed up with the whole debacle that we decided to get the elusive device ourselves.

When we finally did get the modem back to the house, we discovered to our horror that the gaudily printed instructions were of no use whatsoever and thus spent two hour long sessions on hold with the ‘ntl Cable Modem Helpline’. We finally solved the problem ourselves, without one iota of help from the tele-communications company.

To their credit, ntl did promise us that no charge would be made to the house for the month we were without a modem. However, it remains to be seen whether they put this promise into practice.

Mark Ladds, a second year psychology and

criminology student, living on Whitchurch Road also fell foul of the ntl non-committal attitude.

“I telephoned the ntl Helpline, and was put through to what sounded like an elderly chap, who had no clue as to what I was complaining about. When I finally explained to him that my house was paying for usage of a modem we didn’t have, he put me on hold, promising to return as soon as he found out the information required.”

The operator never returned. Instead, after what Mr Ladds estimates was about twenty minutes of waiting, he heard an electronic beep and a recorded voice message informing him that he had one minute left to leave a message. “This leads me to believe I had been on this answer phone for the duration the operator was away. I was not impressed.”

It seems that perhaps ntl might be taking liberties with their student clientele. One thing is for certain, ntl do offer a superb deal and it is easy to see why so many students opt for their fine packages.

The cost is very reasonable, and my house now has unlimited access to the internet with no bills to pay, although the modem did take nearly four weeks to arrive costing us large sums of money, time and effort in the process.

So, ntl, your customer service leaves a lot to be desired. But if you can not deliver something, please don’t promise.

Filtering the Lunches No. 3

This week, we think it would be most fashionable to have lunch with Frances McDormand, David Beckham, and Ronan Keating.

It is an executionable offence to have lunch with Courtney Love and Victoria Beckham.

Focus • 18

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Appointments, Mergers and Acquisitions, and Celebrity News

B

ow Street Magistrates Court last week was full of one of Jay Kay’s wildly eccentric hats, when he was there to plead not guilty to charges of assault on a photographer.

The hearing has been adjourned until 22nd October. Released on unconditional bail, Kay has no comment, but probably blames it on Denise van Outen, as anyone would.

Martine McCutcheon has split up with her shortterm (it was never going to last) boyfriend, Steve John Shephard. It is alleged he cheated on her, but wouldn’t you?

David Beckham was kissed by an old lady in a car.

Sara Cox and Jon Carter married in a four-day orgy last weekend, with amusements including clay pigeon shooting, bacon butties and football. Sara wore a Vivian Westwood corset.

That lovely, lovely Robbie Williams gave a special performance of his Sinatra act at the Albert Hall on the 10th. Looking phenomenally dashing in his new suit, Robbie was joined on stage by Jane

Horrocks and the show was compered by Rupert Everett – all very gay indeed.

Kym Hear’Say and that twat Jack Ryder from EastEnders are set to move in together after only been dating for six months.

Josh ‘Big Brother’ Rafter is donating his famous £2,500 Gucci trousers to Crusaid to auction for HIV and AIDS charities. Which is very good of him indeed. He will model the trousers at the auction which will take place on 21st November in Birmingham.

Jay Kay in one of those crazy hats.

Westlife set for world domination

PopScene: Outnewsed by the current political situation, Westlife have a plan of their own, according to the ever-suspicious Abbi Shaw.

W

his floppy blonde locks in order to blend into the world of hardcore crime and drugs. Kian is remaining strong and silent, but I think I can reveal that it all hinges on Mark, who is obviously planning to take over the world under that overcoat.

I can’t say anything bad about Bryan as he’s just become a father, but I can’t believe he’s not involved somewhere down the line.

And now we see why they want to charge their innocent young demographic £14.99 a month for access to the “exclusive” westlife.com. How else were they going to fund this dramatic venture? As yet I haven’t worked out their main aims and objectives but I will be scanning their site carefully as soon as it opens and paying close attention to their promotional exercises. For all these years they have been building up a sense of trust between them and their audience and it seems that now is the time for action to begin.

Disguised as a image change, Operation Westlife has begun. The world will never be the same again. You have been warned.

estlife have been around forever. No really, do you remember a time without them loitering aimlessly in the background of pop, haplessly attempting to promote their latest ballad?

They’ve had a million number one songs, all programmed to be exactly the same (verse-versechorus-verse-chorus-handy key change-end). They wore sensible clothes that your dad would wear, if he could afford them.

They were nice, amicable boys, designed to capture-and-keep the under-12s and men that frequent behind Marks and Spencers/the London Astoria on a Saturday night. And we never imagined this would change.

Alas, the current world upheaval has not escaped them.

All has been abandoned for sleaze and sordidity and capitalism.

Promotions for their new video have revealed their true nature; Shane has visibly expanded as a result of heavy body building and Look, they’re nice boys really... protein drinks. Nicky has shaved

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gairrhydd, Monday 29 October 2001

Journeymen form Audley queue BOXING

Matthew Greenhill FOR HIS first professional fight Audley Harrison decided to pick on a former American airman, this was then followed up with a bout with an English plastics worker and for his most recent contest Harrison scuffled with an overweight Polish bouncer.

So, this rather begs the question of when is the supposed future World Champion going to fight a boxer.

Winning the Gold medal in Sydney was a major achievement for Audley Harrison but a move from amateur to professional boxing was regarded as the next step.

What has happened however, seems to be the exact reverse with Harrison scrapping with the complete no-hopers of professional boxing who appear to only be in the business to take a few punches and to fall on the canvas in return for a mediocre payout.

The three fighters that Harrison has fought in his short professional career so far make a mockery of boxing and of professional sport in general.

In his debut bout Harrison’s opponent, Michael Middleton, barely threw a punch in a round and a half and he even forgot to wear his gum shield for the first round.

Such a thing is just as inexcusable as a footballer coming on to a pitch without his boots or a golfer minus his clubs.

In his second fight Harrison was forced to go all the way in a six round bout with an average,

albeit determined, boxer from Kettering. His third and most recent fight saw Harrison do battle with a Polish doorman, Piotr Jurczyk, in Glasgow.

The Pole weighed in at a massive 247 pounds of pure flab and it was difficult to make out where his neck ended and where his chin began.

He barely troubled Harrison with what few attacks he launched and wobbled around the ring like a life-size Homer Simpson.

Unsurprisingly, Harrison bought an end to the bout in the second round with a vicious blow to Jurczyk’s body, which left the Pole nursing a few cracked ribs and a few weeks off from his job at a nightclub in Posnan.

However, since this fight it seems that Harrison’s management have began to see sense and are beginning to realise that such fights are holding him back and preventing him from moving upwards to professional boxing’s great heights.

Harrison’s trainer, Thel Torrance, has since ordered him to move to Las Vegas in order to further his career. Speaking

about his plans Torrance said: “I’ve got a gut feeling about Audley … he has the potential to go all the way.

“But he can’t do it staying in England. Amateurs develop amateurs.

Professional’s develop professionals.

“He has a unique style, and being in the right environment around world-class fighters in my gym would enhance him. I’d like to see him there right now.

The only way we can complete our project of getting him to the top is by doing it my way.”

With the right training, preparation and a good support team, their appears no reason why Audley Harrison cannot realise his dream of becoming World Champion.

With the retirement of Lennox Lewis and Mike Tyson likely to be announced in the next few years, it would appear that at least one of three heavyweight title belts will be up for grabs.

However, at the age of 30, time is against Harrison who must rise through the ranks quickly and capture the British title from Danny Williams before any attempt can be made at a prestigious World title.

HARRISON: Foolish?

Show must go on amid world crisis TOUCH JUDGE J.L O’Sullivan IN THE wake of the tragic events of 11th September even the validity of international sport has been thrown into question.

A number of the autumn’s high profile events hang in the balance due to the understandable anxieties of the protagonists and their governing bodies alike.

The Australian rugby league side’s tour of Great Britain has been resurrected in a truncated format after it’s initial cancellation.

However, a cloud lingers over the England cricket tour of India.

The England and Wales Cricket Board seem determined to continue with the trip to the sub-continent

despite the quite public misgivings of a number of top names.

Following a squad summit meeting in a London hotel on Tuesday of last week a handful of crucial personnel may still opt out of the tour.

The party of sixteen have already signed contracts tying them to the trip.

However, in a move akin to that of Chelsea Football Club, who left the decision on whether or not to travel to their recent U.E.F.A. cup tie in Tel Aviv to the players, the E.C.B. is prepared to release players from any contractual obligation without further repercussions if they choose not to go.

It appears unlikely that Yorkshire all-rounder, Craig White and experienced batsman, Graham Thorpe will travel despite assurances provided by the British High

Commissioner in New Delhi, Sir Rob Young, that adequate safety measures will be taken by the Indian authorities.

By comparison, the footballers of the Republic of Ireland appear to harbour little reticence with regards to their forthcoming encounter with the winner of the World Cup, Asian group play-off.

The Irish will face either Iran or the U.A.E. over two legs, home and away, in a bid to secure qualification for next year’s World Cup finals.

Despite some discussion of the possibility of a neutral venue, the Irish camp seem to favour the current format.

Surely the attitude of Ireland's football men is the surest way forward. In it's own small way, playing on regardless or, even because of recent events is a victory.

Roadshow brilliance from City BLUEBIRD CHECK

SWINDON TOWN CARDIFF CITY

0 3

Nabil Hassan from The County Ground

CARDIFF CITY kick-started their season with a fine away win against Swindon Town last weekend.

Robert Earnshaw, Jason Bowen and Graham Kavanagh all hit the back of the net to give City a well-deserved 3-0 victory.

The Bluebirds had the majority of the first half possession with Robert Earnshaw proving a real handful for The Robin’s defence and in particular Neil Ruddock.

Ruddock had obviously set out to hurt the little Welsh striker but it was Earnie who made a mockery of the podgy, ageing defender for the percentage of the 90 minutes.

In fact it was Earnshaw who scored City’s opener, expertly clipping home a

Paul Brayson cross just after the half-hour to give City a 1-0 lead.

Despite their obvious dominance City had goalkeeper Neil Alexander to thank for keeping their lead in tact.

The Scottish keeper first pushed a Graziolli shot wide and then from the resulting corner he produced a world class save pushing an Alan Reeves header onto the post.

Cardiff came out for the second half and looked hungry for more goals and within a minute of the restart they got a lucky break that gave them a two goal lead.

Man of the match Graham Kavanagh crossed in a ball that should have been cleared, instead hapless Swindon defender Bobby Howe headed in to the air and in the direction of Jason Bowen who coolly chested the ball before firing into the back of the net.

With a 2-0 lead City relaxed and started to pass the ball around with confidence and conviction. There were even sections of the game when City put together 20 passes without a Swindon player getting near the ball.

City killed the game off with just over ten minutes of the match remaining.

Substitutes Gavin Gordon and Josh Low combined well to set up a cross for Graham Kavanagh to head home from close range for 3-0 and to send the 3,000 strong Bluebird fans home happy.

BLUEBIRD CHECK

PORT VALE CARDIFF CITY

0 2

Nabil Hassan from Vale Park ROBERT EARNSHAW scored his fifth goal of the season to give Cardiff City another vital away victory against Port Vale last week.

Following on from their superb victory against Swindon Town at the County Ground, City recorded back-to-back victories for the first time this season.

Spencer Prior opened the scoring with his first goal for Cardiff City.

Prior who was signed from Manchester City in the summer, showed true class in heading home an Andy Legg corner with only 17 minutes of the match gone.

However, minutes earlier City were fortunate not to concede a penalty. Prior looked to have blocked a shot with his arm,

but to the amazement of the Vale Park faithful and to the relief of the 1,000 strong Cardiff City fans referee Steve Dunn waved play on.

Robert Earnshaw soon made it 2-0 with his fifth goal of the season and his third in four games.

The goal showed that Earnie is back to his best after a short spell out through injury.

The Welsh Under-21 striker headed a Graham Kavanagh shot past Vale keeper Mark Goodland to give City a deserved two goal advantage.

The Bluebird’s could have been further ahead with Paul Brayson, Gavin Gordon and Graham Kavanagh all going close before half-time.

City had made two forced changes from the side that won at Swindon earlier in the week.

Gavin Gordon came in for Peter Thorne and Andy Legg replaced Michael Simpkins, however, this made no difference to a City side that looked comfortable throughout.

The second half was a non-event with City happy to let Vale came at them.

City eventually won the game 2-0 to claim their first win at Vale Park for 55 years.

Despite his team’s two victories Alan Cork was refusing to get carried away with City’s performances saying: “I won’t talk about us being a good team because we aren’t – yet. I’ll talk about how good a team we might be around next April when we know how the season has gone”.

22

●

IMG Sport

gairrhydd, Monday 29 October 2001

WEDNESDAY 17 OCTOBER FOOTBALL GROUP A Momed AFC

3-1 Nomads

Carbs B

2-5 Chemsoc

McCulloch 2, Pitcher (pen)

Hamilton (o.g)

n/a

n/a

R.Park Rangers

14-0 Hindu

Carbs A

4-3

n/a

Shute 2, Thorne, Moreno

Hellenic n/a

FOOTBALL GROUP B Mathletico Madrid 2-2 Fire Engin Bilby (o.g), Hall

n/a

Accountancy

3-3 Archaelogy

History

6-4 Wok United

Real Economics

10-1 Big Cheese

Ford 2, Neuberger

Nazza, Jimbo, Miah

Gwyn, Beasley 2, Zeal 3 McGuam 3, Knibbs 2, Pichison, Rees, Mush 3

n/a

Bladon

FOOTBALL GROUP C Irish

4-1 Spartak Sawsa

Chemistry

4-3 Engin Spares

Law A

4-1 Gym Gym

Pharmacy

2-3 Plan City

Workman 3, Costello n/a

n/a

n/a

n/a

n/a

n/a

D. Jones, G. Jones, Keenan

FOOTBALL GROUP D Jomec

9-1 Law B

Hackers

4-1 Torpedo Dynamo

Planathinaikos

3-1 Economics

English

0-4 Psycho Athletic

Palmer 5, Evans 3, Lawton

n/a

Donovan, McQuinn, Davies Kingsley Moorie 2, Martyn

n/a

n/a

Guidi

n/a

IMG

2001 2002

FIXTURES 31.10.2OO1 FOOTBALL GROUP A

Momed AFC Hindu R.Park Rangers Nomads

VS. VS. VS. VS.

Carbs B Chemsoc Carbs A Hellenic

FOOTBALL GROUP B Fire Engin Accountancy Archaelogy Mathletico Madrid

VS. VS. VS. VS.

Wok United History Real Economics Big Cheese

FOOTBALL GROUP C Irish Chemistry Law A Spartak Sawsa

VS. VS. VS. VS.

Plan City Gym Gym Engin Spares Pharmacy

FOOTBALL GROUP D Jomec Hackers Planathinaikos English

Jomec romp, Mathletico suprise & Plan City shine

VS. VS. VS. VS.

Economics Psycho Athletic Torpedo Dynamo Law B

IMG FOOTBALL Gwynn Presure JOMEC CONSOLIDATED their 100 percent start to the new IMG season with a devastating 9-1 victory over Law B. Carrying on from their Championship winning form at the end of last season, the journalists played some attractive football on a sodden pitch and scored a number of well created goals.

Again, Anthony Palmer and Chris Evans were the prime beneficiaries of the champions’ fluency, and shared eight of the nine goals. To their credit, Law battled valiantly and managed a consolation goal midway through the second period.

Palmer began the scoring and then got his second minutes later as he cut in from the left to slide the ball in past the Law keeper.

Despite the score-line, the Law B keeper produced a number of fine saves, most memorably defying Evans after an accurate Beattie cross.

Evans made amends soon after as he jinked past two defenders to dispatch a shot into the bottom corner.

Palmer completed his hattrick moments before half time with a goal that was crafted in such a manner to grace any footballing arena. An intricate passing move including Calvert in defence found Beattie who fed Evans dropping to the halfway line. Evans luckily passed to the impressive Tim, prompting a delicate and tantalising cross for Palmer to deftly nod home.

The second half was a mere formality as Jomec lengthened their lead. Evans followed Palmer’s lead and completed his hat-trick, Lawton scored a bullet of a left foot drive and Palmer added a further two to take his match tally to five.

AFTER LAST week’s result, this match seemed a foregone conclusion on paper; the group’s top seeds against lowly Mathletico Madrid.

However, since when has a game of football been played on paper?

After a close-fought but fairly uneventful first half in which Maths just shaded possession, the game truly kicked off in the second half.

Both teams had numerous chances on a pitch that worsened throughout, as the rain took hold.

The breakthrough came 15 minutes into the half.

A corner from Ket Patel was met at the near post by ex-maths star Andy Bilby, now playing in the black-andwhite stripes of Engin, who inadvertently nodded into his own net.

Engin responded with added pressure on the Maths goal, bringing out a couple of fantastic saves from Ashley Michael. However, a free kick was soon conceded about 25 yards out and a great strike by the Engin striker broke through the brickless wall of Maths and flailing efforts of the keeper.

This pressure kept up for a while before Engin picked up the ball midway into the opposition half and unleashed an exquisite lob into the top-hand corner of the net.

NETBALL Laura Welsh, Llinos Phillips and Despina Koursarou PSYCHOLOGY A faced the B team in the horrifically wet and slippery conditions.

Both teams enjoyed the opportunity to play each other and it was a good game.

There was not much difference between the A and B team, and the game ended with Bethan and Cath scoring nine points for the A team with the B team offering seven points in return.

Carbs A produced a stunning performance against new girls Architecture.

Carbs A’s strikeforce were on fine form and between them scored 30 points, while Architecture could offer nothing in reply.

Despite the score, Architecture performed well and deserved to score.

The business schools B-side were in action against Phist (aka Philosophy and History) in a low scoring game.

Phist and Carbs B both played well and the game was closer than the score suggests. Carbs B scored seven points, while Katie Flower from Phist offered two goals in reply.

Comsoc had a great opening five minutes dominating play as Law A struggled to gel as a team.

After finding their feet and adapting to the wet and slippery conditions, Law A

Maths was not about to give up, and an attempted lob from Stu Hall, produced a corner.

Simon Chilton whipped it in from the right and on the edge of the sixyard box, Hall rose unchallenged to find the equaliser.

Both sides came out with a well-deserved point and can look forward to what promises to be successful campaigns.

THE TEN men of Pharmacy lost out as Plan City secured their first win of the season in Group C. Pharmacy, despite not fielding a full team, started the brighter and took a shock lead after a clearance was charged down on the edge of the Planners box. There were further chances at either end, but both teams failed to convert. City appeared to be lacking potency, with leading scorer Watkins out through injury.

The second half started with a more confident Planning

managed three goals in the first half, trailing a goal behind Comsoc.

Law A made a more positive start to the second half.

Rachel Argent worked well at feeding the ball to Victoria Mooves and Emma Bishop in the shooting circle. Comsoc continued to pressurise Law A with shooter Katie Davies, on fine form.

However, GA Emma Bishop for Law A maintained her accurate shooting standard to secure a final victory of 10 goals to 6.

A strong performance by Comsoc who are new to the Brecon Careg IMG league, and this team are going to be a threat to a number of teams this season.

Chemy started well, but Economics took an early lead.

The wet and slippery conditions led to difficult play with one of the Chemy players suffering from a fall which led to a twisted ankle.

By half time, the game was close with Chemy only trailing by a few points.

Chemy were hopeful of a comeback but Chemy’s defence proved no match for the mighty Economic strike force.

The enjoyable game ended 13 goals to Economics with Chemy only able to offer six in reply.

We only have Talybont courts from 1 6 on a Wednesday afternoon, and so it is essential that games start on time.

It is each captain’s responsibility to ensure that all the team is present and

team making use of the extra man by playing the ball to feet and spreading play out to the wings. It was from a wide possession that Plan City found their equaliser, with D. Jones picking out G. Jones on the edge of the six-yard box who rose to glance the ball inside the far post.

Pharmacy seemed unsettled after being in front for such a long period, and the Planners took advantage with a second goal within a minute. D. Jones latched onto a ball over the top of the defence and prodded home to put the Planners 2-1 up.

However, Pharmacy gathered themselves, and their pace up front continued to cause problems for City’s defence. Fifteen minutes from time a Pharmacy counter-attack forced a good save from the Planning goalkeeper with the rebound being slotted into the empty net to level the scores.

The game looked to be heading for a draw when substitute Keenan broke the offside trap to fire home and clinch victory for Plan City.

ready to play at the time scheduled.

Every player must have an AU card, and you must have it with you at every game.

Checks will occur regularly and any player without their AU card will not be allowed to play.

It is also compulsory that each team hands a scorecard in by Thursday 12pm, otherwise the result will not stand.

The scorecards can be handed in to me in person (Laura Welsh) on Thursday morning in the Non Sab office or put in the folder on the IMG board.

Gair Rhydd Sport would like to apologise for the complete lack of Rugby in this weeks IMG section.

This is due to circumstances beyond our control.

Hopefully full service will be resumed in next weeks paper.

Our apologies also go to Carbs who have submitted reports.

Full football tables should appear in two weeks.

Sport ● 23

gairrhydd, Monday 29 October 2001

Riddler bemuses Bath BADMINTON Gwydion Rhys, Rosalind Sack and Francesca Liebling

Medics stuffed

by rampant girls LADIES FOOTBALL Eleanor Crooks CARDIFF GAINED maximum points for the second week running with a comprehensive victory over the College of Medicine.

Cardiff attacked from kickoff and were 3-0 up within 15 minutes. Emma Jones released Eleanor Crooks who slotted home the first, and Sarah Hamilton doubled the lead when her shot from the edge of the penalty area crept inside the far post.

Man-of-the-match Sarah Gomes got the third when her 25-yard lob deceived the goalkeeper.

Cardiff didn’t sit back, and scored at regular intervals throughout the remainder of the firsthalf. Jones scored the fourth with a drive from the edge of the area, and Gomes got her second, and Cardiff’s fifth after 30 minutes.

In their first match, Cardiff ’s shooting had left room for improvement, but Gomes’ 30-yarder was another clinical finish.

The sixth goal followed almost immediately when Jess Baker found the bottom corner of the net.

Jones got her second with a

crisp 25-yard volley, and an own goal from the medics’ overworked defence rounded off the first half with the score at 8-0.

The second half started in a similar vein when Emma Kent’s shot flew into the top of the net.

However, the medics never gave up, and some tenacious defending ensured Cardiff found it much harder to break through for much of the second half.

They did manage a further three goals before the final whistle, but the game became increasingly scrappy as both teams tired.

Jones completed her hattrick on 75 minutes, and Baker scored her second when her first time shot found the top corner.

She scored her third on the stroke of full-time when a defensive mix-up presented her with a tap in.

This was important as goal difference could be crucial.

CU’S LADIES and Men’s first team faced Bath at home last week and the Badminton Centre of Excellence presented two strong outfits.

CU’s ladies team was at full strength again and overpowered a dogged Bath side to emerge 6-3 victors.

Welsh internationals Kate Riddler and Vicky Luke both performed admirably and managed to win all three of their games.

Subsequently, CU’s ladies now sit proudly at the pinnacle of the league table.

The Men’s first team found things difficult to deal with once again.

The introduction of singles has caused the team to struggle in its opening two fixtures and the team’s 7-1 defeat unearthed a number of problems; notably the overall fitness of many players.

The only singles victory came through Glynn Roberts in the very first game, but Roberts had to

watch as the rest of the team suffered demoralising defeats in every other game.

Cardiff Men’s Second team celebrated a hard fought victory against Southampton. The 5-4 score-line reflected a tense encounter in which Sachin Talwar and Ashley Roberts, both debutantes, performed with undeniable quality to clinch a win for the team.

HOCKEY THIS WEEKS BUSA game was of particular relevance to Cardiff Ladies second XI because they were playing a PriceWaterhouseCooper sponsorship rivals Bristol University.

Cardiff got off to a promising start with a storming run down the right wing by Fran Smith minutes into the game, resulting in a fantastic goal.

UWC continued to dominate the game with strong marking and a solid defence.

The lead was increased by another cracking shot from Fran Smith.

Unfortunately this goal spurred Bristol to step up their pace, and a swift break and then a long corner

resulted in Bristol equalising in the first half.

Bristol came out strongly after the interval, and the second half was a close battle between the two sides with some superb saves by keeper Ruth Tynan keeping the score equal.

Cardiff ’s midfield also worked especially hard to keep the scoreline down.

Cardiff Ladies first and third XI’s were both unlucky in their matches.

Although Cardiff fielded strong sides their oppositions at Bath and UWIC proved too resilient.

NETBALL AFTER A cracking start to the season, UWC Netball continued to play hard with the firsts away to Swansea, the third team at home to Trinity College, and the fourth team at home to Neath College.

In the First’s match both teams played at a high standard throughout and neither side stretched the margin of lead by more than three goals.

Swansea managed to gel better together as a team early on in the season and

despite the superb effort by the UWC girls led by team captain Rachel Roberts, the Swans managed to take the game by three goals.

The score finished 32-29.

The fourth team played a physical and hard-fought match against Neath College.

Cardiff ’s performance was well controlled, but a well-coached and wellsupported Neath team came away with the win.

The score of 26-28 showing the battle and dedication to win by both sides. Man-of-the-match went to Claire Gallop in centre court.

After last week’s narrow defeat by Bath firsts and the dispute over umpiring decisions, BUSA has successfully granted a rematch between the teams to be played on Monday.

Hopefully, Cardiff will gain some revenge and get their confidence back.

The Seconds’ match against UWC Medics was moved to December 5.

The second team won a stupendous match 110-3, against Trinity.

Faye Merrix and Maz Tinkler shone for UWC, who posted a record score.

Pathetic Pompey trounced RUGBY UNION Fred Scott AFTER LAST week’s poor performance against Newport University, the 1st XV knew they had it all to do this week against a fired-up Portsmouth University team.

Cardiff started impressively, with skipper Andy Boyd continuing the luck of the Irish from last weekend by bursting through the Portsmouth defence to finish coolly under the posts.

Cardiff’s aggressive play was clearly paying off, with man-ofthe-match Boyd again scoring and combative centre Gareth Clement crashing over in a frenetic 15-minute spell.

The back-row combination of Staveley, Skilton and Jones

were beginning to unlock the Pompey defence, even making space for trundling hooker John Lucas to counter down the right-wing only to be halted by some desperate tackling.

The drama levels were beginning to rise, however, the real story happened at half-time when Portsmouth bizarrely decided to forfeit the match amid scandalous stamping accusations as well as the admission that they simply did not have enough players to finish the game.

The situation was completely absurd, but it should not detract from a vastly improved and professional performance from Cardiff that included the welcome return to action of two senior players, James Mackay and Dom Gaynor.

Next week sees the derby of all derbies, as Cardiff University meet Cardiff Medics.

The 1st XV will hope to continue their good work this week by dissecting the Medics’ defence next week at Llanrumney, where only a win will do.

Ireland wreck English grand slam bid RUGBY UNION David Williams ENGLAND’S HOPES of a Grand Slam were dashed for the third year in a row as Keith Wood and his Irish team produced a performance to shatter English dreams at Lansdowne Road.

Just as Wales and Scotland had done for the last two years, Ireland, with a try from captain Wood, produced a superb defensive display to leave England with only the Six Nations trophy for the third consecutive year.

Irish coach Warren Gatland was relieved after the final whistle and a 20-14 victory; “I thought we defended brilliantly when the pressure was on in those tense, closing minutes.”

Wood’s try came mid-way through the first half when he received quick lineout ball to

plough over from close range.

Ireland went into the break deservedly ahead although the lack of cohesion in the England team aided them greatly.

A combination of conceded penalties, turn-overs and poor passing contributed to England’s dour first half display.

In the second half England played with more urgency and could have scored had it not been for Peter Stringer’s ankle tap on wing Dan Luger just metres from the line.

However, by the time substitute Austin Healey had touched down late on, the game was more or less safe thanks to two penalties from replacement Ronan O’Gara.

There was though a crazy last couple of minutes in which England might even have stolen the win had it not been for stout Irish defence.

As expected, after the match the talk was all about England’s tactics under big match pressure. The

general feeling of the England supporters was summed up by stand- in skipper Matt Dawson; “We have to realise that, whenever we play someone away from home with a lot at stake, they are not just going to lie down and take it.”

The Ireland-England match brought to a conclusion the longest championship in history due to the out-break of the footand-mouth disease.

A championship, which has been stretched over nearly ten months, has seen some great team and individual performances.

England’s displays against Wales, Scotland, France and Italy cemented their position as the best team in the Northern Hemisphere.

World-class performances from Will Greenwood, Iain Balshaw and Jonny Wilkinson have showed that, on their day, they can beat anyone.

Ireland’s position of second is, on the face of it, a superb result.

However, their loss against Scotland dented their aspirations of becoming Six Nations Champions.

Hammerings of Italy and Wales and the win against England mean that expectations will be high for next year.

Scotland’s season has been a mixed one. A superb defeat of Ireland and a great comeback

against Wales evened out the mauling at the hands of England in the Calcutta Cup. ºWales’ victory in France was the only high point of an otherwise disappointing season.

Thumpings by England and Ireland have caused great concern among Welsh supporters and the position of Graham Henry is under threat.

FORLORN: Dawson and Johnson collect token crown

Sport

BUSA: All the latest BUSA action

Gair Rhydd

PLUS: IMG results, scorers and reports Free Word 703

Monday 29 October 2001

Cardiff settle score BUSA CHECK 2 CARDIFF UNI GLAMORGAN UNI 1

Niko Algieri from Llanrumney

LAST MONDAY AFC 1 took on Glamorgan in a rearranged fixture.

It was always going to be a tough encounter as it was the first BUSA game of the season.

Cardiff captain, Paul Lawrence, had chosen to play a 4-4-2 formation.

Lawrence was also suffering from a toe injury so he made the gallant decision to give up his place as central defender to young prospect Josh Minagawa who led the defence maturely.

At the kick off the rain was still flowing which made the pitch slick and difficult to judge.

Glamorgan came out with all

guns blazing, attacking from both wings.

The pressure was soaked up and dealt with confidently by left and right backs Steve Pelzer and fresher Andy Myles who has made an extremely impressive start to the season.

Strong tackles from Simon Lewis and Andy Lee meant that Glamorgan struggled.

From Lee and Lewis stemmed a formidable attacking team of Jamie Roberts and Dave McCann as right and leftwingers followed by Phil Burchill and Gaz Maughan leading the attack.

In the first half Roberts and McCann tortured Glamorgan with their piercing runs and creative crossing.

At one point Roberts sped down the line and crossed to see the inadequate Glamorgan defence fumble the clearance, with the instinctive Maughan there to finish with a clever tap round the keeper to put Cardiff 1-0 ahead.

Early on in the second half Roberts skipped past two or three players before gliding the ball to McCann at the back post.

McCann headed square only to see the Glamorgan keeper make a great save from Andy

Lee’s goal bound header.

Midway through the half Lawrence brought on Niko Algieri and Huw Owens who were eager to impress.

Soon after, a run by Myles down the left resulted in a pinpoint cross, which Maughan headed at the keeper who parried, the spilt ball fell to Algieri who made no mistake to put Cardiff up 2-0.

Glamorgan were livid, tackles flying in everywhere and a scuffle late on in the half saw

one player from each team sent off for brawling.

Glamorgan then pulled a goal back because of non-stop pressure.

They would have equalised, but an outstanding couple of saves from Orral Nadjari and a miracle sliding tackle from Jamie Parkinson, who was solid all game, secured an emphatic win for Cardiff.

Cardiff will be disappointed that they followed this up with a 3-1 defeat at Newport.

Henry Beaudette ENTERING ITS seventh year of competition, Cardiff University Motorsports Club welcomed a bumper field of 38 drivers to the opening round of the 2001/02 Championship.

Staged at Bridgend’s recently renovated Racehire circuit.

Following an evening of racing described by new Club Chairman Paul Pulze as “one of the best ever,” reigning Club Champion Craig Camilleri began his title defence with a resounding victory.

Camilleri went undefeated throughout the heats, semi's and Grand Final.

With an exceptionally high standard of driving

was never really in doubt on a fast but unspectacular circuit.

Afterwards the victorious driver exclaimed, “I was more relieved just to have made the final to be honest. The competition looked really strong.”

Williams clung grimly to the rear of Camilleri’s kart in the opening laps of the final, before gradually falling back into the clutches of Simon Williams, who forced his way into second place on the penultimate lap, with a move he described as being “perfectly executed.”

Behind Williams, Geoff Charles earned a well-deserved fourth position after defending a race long attack from Henry Beaudette, while Jon Pinkerton-Hiron completed the point’s

2-1

Glamorgan

AFC I

1-3

Newport

AFC II

1-1

UWIC III

WAFC I

12-0

Badminton I

1-7

Bath

Badminton II

5-4

Southampton

BadmintonW 6-3

Bath

74-52

UWCN

Portsmouth

Basketball W 34-51 Southampton

FIRST XI: Mixed week

Camilleri wins again among many of the clubs newcomers, several ‘old hands’ were left on the sidelines for the Grand Final including the soon to be retiring Andy Stobart, last year’s Rookie of the Year Nikki Lake and Rotax Max driver Joe Tuckey.

Sporting his familiar Valentino Rossi colours, Camilleri made the perfect getaway from pole position in the final, to lead fellow front row starter and former TKM racer Lloyd Williams into the first corner.

However, Camilleri ran wide on the exit of the turn and Williams feigned a move into turn two, but was met with a staunch chop across the bows courtesy of the defending Champ.

From that point on Camilleri was never headed and he eventually cruised to a victory that

AFC I

Basketball

CHAMPION GETS CAMPAIGN OFF TO WINNING START

KARTING

BUSA RESULTS CHECK

scorers in sixth position less than a second behind the battle for fourth.

In a hotly contested rookie final, Llyr Smallwood scored a narrow victory over Gareth Holcombe after pole sitter and long-time race leader Alex Brown was unceremoniously punted off-course by Chris Elliott, on the final lap of the race.

One lap prior to the incident, Smallwood had displaced Brown for the lead in what had been a race long fourkart scrap for top spot.

However, Brown’s misfortune allowed Holcombe and Lloyd Dobson to complete the podium, the latter after recovering from an opening lap contretemps with Ben Hickling.

Hockey MI

10-2

Swansea

Hockey MII

2-1

Bristol II

Hockey MIII

1-3

UWE

Hockey MIV

6-0

Swansea

Hockey WI

1-8

Bath

Hockey WII

2-2

Bristol

Hockey WIII

1-6

UWICIII

Netball I

29-32

Netball II

P-P

Netball III

110-3

Trinity II

RUFC I

20-0a

Portsmouth

RUFC II

40-6

Exeter

RUFC III

20-30

Bath II

Swansea UWIC Medics

Squash M I

3-2

Portsmouth

Squash M II

1-2

Bristol

Squash W1

1-4

Bath

Volleyball M

1-3

Bournemouth

Volleyball W

0-3

Portsmouth

Tennis M

0-6

Bath

Tennis W

P-P

Portsmouth

RUFC I game abandoned at half time as Portsmouth took the unprecedented decision to forfeit the match.

CAMILLERI: Celebrates win

FOR FULL BUSA fixtures and information, check the noticeboards on the third floor of the Union.

BUSA reports and reviews overleaf.

If you would like to report on your BUSA side, then contact the GR office, fourth floor of the Union.

GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT WEST COUNTRY PUBLICATIONS, PLYMOUTH ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ “I’M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THE BLUE BAR” ■ WHAT’S YOUR ROULETTE SYSTEM BUTT? ■ A SPOON FULL OF IRAQI MAKES THE LADY GO DOWN?