gair rhydd - Issue 707

Free Word 707

gairrhydd Cardiff’s Student Weekly

GEORGE HARRISON 1943-2001 Music pay homage to the legend

Monday 3 December 2001

SEAL OF DISAPPROVAL

BAWDY STORIES

Features investigate the links between fashion and fur

Arts get sleazy with Act One

BEST CAMPAIGNING NEWSPAPER IN THE GUARDIAN STUDENT MEDIA AWARDS

STUDENTS TRICKED BY ‘DEPLORABLE’ SALESMEN gair rhydd EXCLUSIVE

gair rhydd reporters uncover unscrupulous electricity salesmen conning students into unwittingly changing suppliers

by James Bladon and Chris Wathan STUDENTS HAVE been left outraged after sneaky salesmen attempted to con them on their own doorsteps. gair rhydd has discovered that representatives working on behalf of London Electricity are deceiving students in to unwittingly signing change of supplier contracts by passing them off as surveys.

Michael Pearlman, a third year sociology student living in Roath, was coerced into signing a contract with London Electricity in October.

However it wasn’t until a letter arrived several days later that he realised he had unwittingly agreed to switch gas suppliers.

Mr Pearlman said “At first I didn’t understand why the letter had come. As far as I knew I hadn’t signed a contract”.

He continued, “I then remembered someone had come round saying he was from ‘the electricity board’ and asked me for some details to update their computers because we were living in a low power usage area.

I never really saw the contract, as he was filling all the information in for me, so when he

handed it to me I just initialled it and he went. There was no mention of it being a contract”.

Mr Pearlman subsequently cancelled his contract with the company, and then received a stinging letter of acceptance from London Electricity.

Mr Pearlman was not the only student to be targeted by the representatives of London Electricity.

Matthew Hampton of Cathays was targeted by a salesman from London Electricity in November.

However Mr. Hampton refused to sign the contract after he realised what the representative had been filling out on his behalf.

“The guy had told me he was only checking details, but once he gave me the form to sign I realised straight away it was a contract, despite the salesman vehemently denying it.

He then became very surly and snatched the clipboard from me, before slamming my own front door in my face.”

Mr Hampton subsequently made complaints about the salesman to EnergyWatch, the industry’s watchdog, and to London Electricity themselves.

“I was incensed to think that they were preying on people in this way. The whole incident left a very

“I was incensed to think that they were preying on people in this way” FOOT IN THE DOOR: Students conned into signing over contracts by pushy salesmen

sour taste in my mouth”.

Despite Mr Hampton’s complaint, gair rhydd has learned of several more incidents involving the company.

As recently as last week salespersons were at work in Colum Road informing students that they were gathering data on residents, but filling out forms with the word ‘Contract’ clearly stated on the top.

Robert Anthony, Director of the gas and electricity consumer council, EnergyWatch Wales said, “This type of practice is deplorable and causes massive inconvenience, we simply do not condone bad selling practices”.

However Mr Anthony went on to explain that, despite a contract being signed, it is only honourable

providing the customer has full and total knowledge of what he or she is agreeing to.

A spokesman for London Electricity, Derek Salter, agreed that examples of so-called ‘erroneous transfers’, a result of rogue salesmen signing people up against their will, do exist. But he stressed “this sort of behaviour is totally unacceptable”.

He continued “We take a tough line if people do misrepresent customers. If the details are brought to our attention we can identify the agents and they may be disciplined or dismissed.”

London Electricity went on to apologise to any students who believe they have been the victim of an ‘erroneous transfer’.

Mr Salter said “We apologise for

that behaviour and we will transfer them back to their existing supplier at no cost to themselves.”

A local landlady who owns several houses let to students at the University voiced concerns over the sales practices of such representatives.

The landlady, who wished to remain anonymous, told gair rhydd, “It’s appalling for the companies to behave in this manner. It seems as if the companies are deliberately targeting students and the elderly, who are being well and truly conned”.

Mr Salter of London Electricity denied the accusation, but admitted, “we do go into certain areas of cities where we think that there may be • Continued on page 3

JAW BREAKERS AND RECORD MAKERS: SO SOLID CREW GIG CANCELLED: SEE PAGE 3

2 ● News

Briefly...

Gamer set for Korea FORMER CARDIFF University student, Andrew West, will fly to Korea this week to compete in the first World Cyber Games.

Four hundred and thirty players from 37 nations will compete on games such as Quake 3, FIFA 2001, Half Life Counter Strike and Age of Kings for prize money of $300,000.

West will be taking part in an exhibition tournament for a Korean game Jurassic Era Primitive War II. He is also reporting for the leading gaming website xs-reality.com.

Andrew currently lives in Cardiff and studied Computer Science for one year at Cardiff University before leaving to work for BT in their gaming division.

GMB search for new talent THE GMB London Region is looking for four student volunteers to train with the union in the summer 2002.

They will be working with the union’s Recruitment Team Coordinator and Media Officer for eight weeks on a programme of recruitment work, campaigning, education and social events.

Paul Kenny, GMB Regional Secretary for London said, ‘GMB London wants to identify, train and test out young talent that will make up the next generation of union activists’.

For more information contact Martin Smith GMB Organiser on 07974 251722 or Rose Conroy London Press Officer on 07974 25183.

Official Apology GAIR RHYDD would like to apologise for any offence that was caused by the travel article entitled ‘Check-In: Kenya’ that appeared in in issue 704 of the newspaper.

The article was one persons opinion of what they saw when they visited the Masai tribe in Kenya, and was not supposed to be a reflection on the country as a whole.

Gair Rhydd would appeal for all students who have a problem with the content of the newspaper to come and make an editorial input to the paper.

gairrhydd Address: Gair Rhydd University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone: Editorial – (029) 2078 1434/436 Advertising – (029) 2078 1416 E-mail: ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors: Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Monday 3 December 2001, gairrhydd

Sex please, we’re British

by Peter Wearn NEARLY A third of British 16 to 20 year olds are risking becoming infected with HIV/AIDS by having unprotected sex with new lovers, according to a new survey.

The survey, commissioned by condom manufacturer Durex to coincide with world AIDS day on Saturday 1 December, revealed that although 51 per cent of Brits are concerned about the risk of infection with sexually transmitted diseases, 43 per cent are still taking no measures to protect themselves.

The dangers are made all the more clear as figures from the Terence Higgins Trust also released this week revealed that there are now 33,000 people in Britain living with HIV, the highest number since figures began in 1982.

Last year 3617 new cases were diagnosed, the highest ever in a single year.

The Durex survey also found that the average Briton has sex 107 times a year, the tenth highest of the 28 countries surveyed.

The USA topped the table with an average of 124, while the hot weather obviously gets to those Mediterraneans with Greece, Italy and France all beating Britain in the league.

We lag behind the Americans on lovers as well with the British averaging 8.8 partners in their lifetime while the Americans have 14.

Not that this means we can claim moral superiority either – only 13 per cent of Brits have had only one lover while 77 per cent of Indians and 70 per cent of Chinese can claim lifetime monogamy.

The top quality that we look for in a mate is personality, 43 per cent naming it as their top priority, while a quarter go for looks and only 18 per cent say that a sense of humour is what gets them going.

Favourite locations for sex were the beach and jacuzzi with 27 per cent opting for each.

And it appears patriotism doesn’t extend to the bedroom with 4 in 10 Brits declaring Paris to be the most romantic city in the world compared with only 2 per cent who would rather be in London.

WHO’S NEXT?: Promiscuous Brits start young

Parking fees on increase

by Suzanne Deller CARDIFF COUNTY Council have announced the cost of car parking in Cardiff is set to increase by 25 per cent in the New Year.

The voucher parking scheme was introduced to Cardiff nine years ago, with only a 50p charge. The charge rose to 80p two years ago, and is now set to rise once more, to £1.

The longer hour parking times has further drawbacks, rising from £1.60 to £2 for 2 to 10 hours parking.

What is perhaps of more concern to students in Cardiff are the plans to extend the area covered by the voucher scheme.

At the moment charges only apply to the city centre, Cardiff Bay and

the area around the University campus.

However proposals have been made to extend the voucher scheme to Senghennydd Road, Cathays and part of Adamstown, where much of the student accommodation is located.

A spokesman for the County Council explained, ‘The new charge for short term parking is intended to reflect what motorists pay at other car parks in the city centre’.

He continued, ‘£2 for 10 hours is substantially cheaper that the any car park within the city centre’.

Julian Rosser, of Friends of the Earth Cymru said that they supported the increase of parking charges.

He said, ‘There are still many complaints about Cardiff buses and there needs to be far more urgency to improve public transport’.

Call for student vote postpones election

by Suzanne Deller The timing of the upcoming Gabalfa by-election has been called into question by local Liberal Democrats who are concerned that students will be absent for the vote.

The by-election has been called after the resignation of one of the current councillors last week and the election can be called with just 35 days notice.

However, local Lib Dem campaigner Cathy Pearcy is urging the Cardiff County Council Labour Group to arrange a date after the January 22 so that all students will be back from their Christmas vacation and be able to vote.

With nearly 1,800 undergraduates at Talybont alone, and many more students living in the Gabalfa area, students form roughly one in three of

the electorate for the ward.

Mrs Pearcy believes that unless the date is set to include them, they will be essentially disenfranchised.

She said, ‘These are new residents in Gabalfa. They are less likely to realise that they can vote in this byelection. Those in Talybont, because they’re new to the city, may not even realise how important Cardiff County Council is to them, or what services the council runs.’

She added, ‘The Labour Group has a clear choice here; they can either cynically time the election so that students are excluded, or they can make sure that everyone has a chance to vote. We will try and make sure that students have a chance to vote by post, if they call the election before they get back from vacation but if Labour really believe in local democracy, they’ll wait until after January 22nd.’

PARK PLACE: One of the areas affected by the increased prices

War raises UK racism

by Mark Cobley A SURVEY has revealed that most people in Britain believe British Muslims who support Osama Bin Laden should be deported.

The poll, run by ICM for the Observer newspaper, reveals that 58 per cent think if British Muslims declare their support for the terrorist leader, they should be forced from the country.

Furthermore, 61 per cent of people believe British Muslims should have to declare some sort of special allegiance to our country. It appears we are ready to support erosion of free speech and dissent, particularly in the context of the current war on terrorism.

The polls were conducted nation wide both before September 11 and after.

The polls have also revealed the effect the terrorist attacks have had on Britain’s multicultural society. before the attacks, only 21 per cent of people thought race relations in the UK were worsening, after September 11and the following war on terrorism, this has risen to

36 per cent.

The attacks have also made Britons less tolerant. Before September 11, about half of all adults said that immigrants should adapt to the British way of life instead of keeping their own culture, but now 71 per cent agree.

However, there were encouraging results in the survey too. 81per cent of Britons still feel we benefit from having a multicultural society, and 90 per cent of people believe it is only a matter of time before we have an ethnic minority Prime Minister.

Two thirds also disagree that the British police are racist.

Despite the worrying results, Gurbux Singh, Chair of the Commission for Racial Equality, feels there is reason to be hopeful.

‘I am, on balance, optimistic.

However, there are pockets of Britain where deprivation, disadvantage and discrimination are endemic. It is here that we – all of us, the government, the CRE, community leaders and society generally, need to focus our efforts.’

News ● 3

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

continued from page 1 opportunities for us to win new customers.”

With the deregulation of the gas and electricity markets customers can now purchase their gas from numerous suppliers.

Although the changes have meant significant financial savings they have also caused considerable confusion.

With over fifteen national gas suppliers, the competition for each single customer has led to increasingly aggressive sales techniques.

This situation is closely monitored by EnergyWatch as director Robert Anthony explained: “Every regional complaint is compiled on our national database where we can build up a picture of which companies are the worst offenders”.

Mr Anthony advises anyone who has been treated badly by a gas or electricity supplier to contact EnergyWatch.

He said, “If cases of the like you have described happen to anyone else, I would advise them to keep a record of exactly what happens and to contact us immediately.”

EnergyWatch can be contacted on (0845) 601 31 31 or by visiting the website at www.energywatch.org.uk.

What are your experiences with door-to-door salesmen?

Good or bad, gair rhydd wants to know about them. Email newsdesk on News2001@Hotmail.com.

Thank you to Michael Pearlman for all his assistance in writing this article.

Union ‘blot’ on Cardiff Students’ Union voted Cardiff’s sixth most unsightly building in local survey by Architecture Professor

EYESORE: Bay church

by Lesley Allison C A R D I F F UNIVERSITY’S Students’ Union has been voted one of the ugliest buildings in Cardiff by local paper the South Wales Echo.

The list of biggest blots on the Cardiff landscape was compiled by Professor Malcolm Parry, principle of Cardiff ’s school of architecture, who justified his opinion by saying, ‘It’s just so dull flat and miserable to look at and there are too many steps’.

It seems students at Cardiff University on the whole agreed with Professor Parry.

Toby Miller, a third year Architectural Engineering student, said, ‘The Union building looks incredibly dated; as though no thought has gone into its aesthetics or

the appearance of the buildings that surround it.’

He continued, ‘ I think it would be extremely easy to improve its appearance and that a change is long overdue.’

However Professor Parry adjudged that, although an eyesore, there were bigger blots on the landscape than the Union Building.

Voted ugliest amongst Cardiff ’s architecture was the Norwegian church in Cardiff Bay, followed in second place by the UGC cinema.

Also on Professor Parry’s list of eyesores were the Great Western hotel at the end of Saint Mary’s Street, described by the Professor as ‘clad in crazy paving’ and Dumfries Place car park.

Professor Parry viewed the view from the union steps adjudged to be the building’s only ‘redeeming feature.’

Aesthetics aside, the Cardiff Union can not be criticised for its interior.

It houses a games room, student radio and

newspaper offices, as well as fantastic bars, all of which were redone over the summer.

Chris Bell, a third year civil engineering student, said, ‘Nobody cares what it looks like.

It’s what goes on in the inside that matters and our Union is the best in the world.’

So Solid Crew cancelled following police warning

By Sarita Arthur SO SOLID Crew’s concert in the Union on December 6 has been cancelled after police warned of the possible outbreak of violence.

Cardiff Student’s Union have been strongly advised by the Metropolitan Police, the Licensing Board and University Security to cancel the concert following an attack on a Cardiff girl by one of the group members.

Darren Weir broke the jaw of a 15 year old Cardiff school girl when she refused his sexual advances. He has since been ordered by Cardiff Crown Court to pay £5,000 in damages.

The fear that friends of the girl might cause

ONCE AGAIN another year has passed and the prospect of buying Christmas presents comes worryingly closer, but for one night put it all aside for this year’s Christmas Ball.

The festive ball which will take place on December 11, will feature the most prestigious line-up of DJ’s and performing artist that Cardiff University has ever seen.

Twenty guest DJ’s including Judge Jules, Anne Savage, Gareth Griffiths, Lisa Pin-up, Boy George and special guests, including ex Bond star, Goldie, will spread across 5 different arenas in the Union building.

The event organisers have spent over £400,000 on just the club décor, which will transform the entire Union building.

The evening will also feature podium dancers, stilt

walkers, jugglers, fire-eaters, laser graphics and market stalls just in case you haven’t bought your loved ones a present.

As well as the traditional Ibiza style party there will also be a head and body masseur.

The event will be broadcasted live on the radio and magazine, Mixmag is to run coverage of the event.

Gareth Griffiths, who has helped organise the event with Spin ‘em Eddy said, ‘I think you’ll agree this lineup is pretty spectacular, and the Christmas Ball gets bigger every year.’

He continued, ‘Last year we sold 2,500 tickets in just 3 weeks, so we expect this to be even bigger.’

Tickets are on sale priced £12, and are available from the University box office.

Events will take place in the Great Hall, Solus, The Tafarn, the Junction and Buffers

trouble at the concert was said to be one of the main reasons for the cancelling the event.

Depsite stating that they ‘abhor violence’, So Solid Crew have been involved in a spate of attacks including a recent shooting at London’s Astoria.

Finance and Commercial Services Officer, Alex Molokwu, insists that the cancellation does not in any way reflect a lack of security at the Student Union. He points out that metaldetectors could be used to increase security.

However the Union’s Security would only be able to protect students whilst on the premises and couldn’t provide security before or after the concert.

.....along with everyone else in Wales

University prepares to party hard.....

by Suzanne Carter

UGLY: Cardiff Union proves it’s not always looks that count

by Dominic O’Neill

PARTY ANIMALS: The Welsh know how to have fun

WALES IS a nation of partygoers, adrenaline addicts and pleasure seekers intent on living life for the moment, according to a new survey.

The survey commissioned by online banking service Egg and carried out by BMRB Polling International, said they have revealed a new breed of ‘life junkies’.

Welsh people apparently prefer to spend their money on partying, eating out and enjoying themselves than on clothes and possessions for the home.

The poll surveyed 650 adults between 25 and 40 last month, and found that one in twenty adults frequently take part in extreme sports, while two thirds confess to attending wild parties and regularly eating out instead of cooking meals at home.

Meanwhile, a calmer 10 per cent often visit local galleries and museums and

53 per cent go to the cinema and the theatre.

Chief marketing officer at Egg, Nick Cross, said, ‘Today’s consumers are choosing to spend their money in more and more imaginative ways and our research shows they have a greater sense of living life for the moment.’

He continued, ‘In fact, they are so keen to experience life to the full – whether trying their hand at white water rafting or simply going out for dinner with friends and family – that they would sooner spend more on lifeenriching events than possessions,’ Cerianne Burns, a student form Merthyr Tydfil agreed with the findings.

She said, ‘I’d much rather go to a party and have fun than stay in and save money.

You can’t worry too much about how much money you’ve got in the bank. The most important thing is to enjoy life.’

4 ● News

Monday 3 December 2001, gairrhydd

NEW COMPANY WEBSITE POINTS WAY TO TOP 100 GRADUATE EMPLOYEES

Graduates fish gairrhydd for jobs with net Editorial

The news that students are being conned by unscrupulous door-to-door salesmen did not surprise anyone in the gair rhydd office, mainly because we hear stories like these on a regular basis. |ndeed, one of our own writers was a victim of the electricity salesman’s pushy and confusing sales tactics. It just goes to show that no matter how streetwise we all think ourselves to be, if someone is intent on making a fast buck out of you it is very difficult to know how to get out of the situation.

The story is even more alarming when we think of the high numbers of elderly and vulnerable people who live in Cathays and Roath. And by vulnerable, I also mean the student population. When I first moved away from home, I had no idea how to organise my gas and electric bills, and to tell you the truth I still don’t. Unwary students are an easy target for any number of conmen, so it is especially important to be on your guard for people trying to take advantage of your fresh faced and open minded position.

Following our questioning of the So Solid Crew’s appearance at the Union, it is refreshing to see that the matter has been taken seriously enough to merit the cancellation of their gig this week.

I am convinced of the adequacy of the security systems that the Union has in place, not least because Solus is the safest nightclub in Cardiff. However, the band has a history of violence at their gigs, including a shooting at the Astoria in London, which has resulted in the cancellation of the bands London show.

Although it would be foolish to suggest that the gang violence in London can be compared to the situation in Cardiff, the fact that the victim of the horrific assault lives in Cardiff should be enough to suggest that some sort of retaliation would take place. And our Union should not be the venue for a showdown between people who probably don’t even come to our University.

The Union has a responsibility to respect all users of the building, but surely the safety and well being of its own students should come first. There is no doubt that many non-students would be attracted by the So Solid Crew’s gig in the Great Hall, and therefore the safety of all the students present cannot be 100% guaranteed. As a newspaper that represents the views of students, we feel a sense of relief that the almost certainly tense and edgy atmosphere that would be present at gig will now be avoided.

However, the spectacle of such an exciting presence on the British music scene will also be missed. Maybe all the students who were going to see So Solid Crew should trade in their tickets for the equally exciting Basement Jaxx, and be rest assured that the Union will continue to be a venue where great music will appear. Just in an atmosphere of safety instead of violence.

by Kathryn Burden LONDON BASED group, Reuters, has launched an innovative new web site to help graduates find work after leaving university.

The site, located at www.reuters.com/uktop100, enables users to search the latest company news and information on the Times Top 100 Graduate Employers.

Graduates can choose the employer they would most like to work for, as well as writing their applications and preparing for interviews.

Reuters Head of Global Graduate Recruitment, Ivan

Newman, said, ‘In today’s tough employment climate, graduates need to differentiate themselves at each stage of the application process. That’s exactly what the UK Top 100 site does.’

Details about the employers such as organisational changes, financial announcements and changes in policies can be found on the web page.

Managing Director of High Fliers Research, Martin Birchall, said, ‘The site maximises our research and the use of a graduate’s time.’

He continued, ‘There are still plenty of top jobs out there for high calibre

finalists and this service will go some way to filling a lot of key positions.’

Third year B u s i n e s s administration student, David Jones, is currently applying for graduate jobs and believes the web site DESPONDENT: The search for jobs will certainly prove useful. He said, ‘It will www.prospects.csu.ac.uk, definitely help when which will send you preparing for interviews.’ information on work The Careers Service experience opportunities and provides a wealth of graduate jobs, information about careers on www.graduatewales.com, www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas/. www.gradunet.co.uk and Other useful sites include www.milkround.co.uk.

Offensive friends reunited on the web

by Mark Cobley

SCAMPS: But playground pranks have moved on

Union bars threatened

by Peter Wearn STUDENT UNION bars are in severe danger of closure under new competition from pub chains that target students.

Chains such as ‘It’s A Scream’ and the drop in student’s disposable income through tuition fees mean that unions in London have made losses for several years running.

Union President, Tom McGarry, said that

the bars at the Cardiff Union had indeed suffered a ‘slight knock-on effect’ since the opening of the two It’s A Scream bars and The End in Cathays.

However he pointed out that the six nights a week late license, student members only policy and free minibus service meant the Union offered something that commercially owned venues based in the city centre, could not offer.

A POPULAR school reunion website is littered with offensive and libellous comments, users of the site have claimed.

‘Friends Reunited’ was set up to reunite old school friends, however the website has been criticised for having insufficient control over the comments that can be posted.

Teachers’ unions have expressed their concerns over the safety of the webpage.

According to Geraint Davies, Secretary of the National Association

of Schoolmasters and Union of Women Teachers Cymru, the ‘memory board’ section, where people can leave comments about pupils or teachers, is open to abuse.

He said, ‘Teachers have to learn to take a joke but there is a big difference between insults in the playground and comments on the internet which can be seen by millions.’

Friends Reunited, found at www.friendsreunited.c o.uk, is one of the UK’s most popular websites.

This week it will

register its three millionth user since it was set up in October 2000.

Over 40,000 schools in the country are currently registered on the site.

A spokesman for Friends Reunited said that the site had received only 12 complaints about messages, and had introduced an emergency delete button for offensive remarks.

Ginger Productions, are currently discussing the possibilities of a television version of Friends Reunited called Reunions.

Network geeks

by Dan Keel RECENT RESEARCH suggests that the image of the devoted internet user as a geeky loner is a false stereotype.

Professors at the University of Warwick claim that people who spend long periods of time at their computers are more sociable and community-minded than the average person.

The study found that 30 per cent of hardcore internet users belong to a large friendship group, compared to the 25 per cent achieved by non-users.

Professor Andrew Oswald and Dr Jonathan Gardner, who conducted the study, also discovered that regular internet users were also 50 per cent more

likely to attend church services on a frequent basis.

The Professor added, ‘They don’t leave out their friends and family because they spend time hunched over a computer, they simply watch less television. This research should be very useful in overturning common stereotypes.’

GEEKS: Or are they?

News ● 5

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

The Week In Print Dominic O’Neill, Elizabeth Ireland and Mark Cobley summarise this week’s news across Britain and the World

Queen Liz has day out at Queen Vic

by Dominic O’Neill DURING A tour of broadcasting centres around the UK, the Queen met Eastenders’ characters on location in Albert Square last week.

After accompanying HRH behind the bar of the ‘Queen Vic’, Barbara Windsor who plays Peggy commented, ‘I was a bit embarrassed because there were old bottle tops and glasses and stale beer all over the floor.’

She was then introduced to Phil Mitchell, played by Steve McFadden, who was called ‘a bit of a rascal.’

Meanwhile, The Duke of Edinburgh made the obligatory gaffe when he was introduced to Ian Beale, played by Adam Woodyatt, asking him, ‘Are you an actor or a technician?’

The Duke later admitted to Woodyatt that he had never even watched a full episode of Eastenders.

He said, ‘I saw part of one episode but it’s on at the worst possible time.’

The royal pair also met Roy, played by Tony Caunter, who had to explain a few plot complications.

‘She saw the Evans family problems being aired. I suppose it is just like the royals in real life,’ he said.

Mark Fowler (Todd Carty), Kat Slater (Jessie Wallace), Dot Cotton (June Brown),

and Robbie Jackson (Dean Gaffney) were all introduced before the royals left for to visit ITN and BBC World Service studios.

The Queen finished the day with a broadcasting industry reception at Buckingham Palace where she was shown how to work her new Sky Digital service.

QUICK PINT: Her Majesty on the lash

‘Tragic accident’ leaves three generations dead

by Mark Cobley THE FIRE that destroyed a family home in Tumble, West Wales, killing four people, was a ‘tragic accident’ say police.

Three generations of the same family died in the fire in the early hours of Monday morning – Grandmother Larrine Balbini, 46, her daughter Lana, 22, and grand-children Stuart and Shane, aged 3 and 18 months. Post-mortem examinations are underway at the Prince Philip Hospital in Llanelli.

The only survivors of the disaster are Mrs Balbini’s sons, Leighton, 21, and Lyndon, 25. They were treated for the effects of smoke inhalation, and are deeply shocked by the deaths of their family.

The precise cause of the blaze has not been determined, but police have said that the investigation does not involve a criminal inquiry.

The family are thought to have been redecorating in time for Christmas, and one theory is that they left white spirit and paint around in the house, and this was ignited by a dropped cigarette.

TRAGIC: Remains of the family home

Local people interviewed during the investigation had nothing but kind words about the family.

‘Larrine would do anything for the elderly’ said neighbour Violet Evans.

‘They were all a lovely family – always there when you needed them. Now the estate – and the wider community – will be a a sadder and lonelier place.’

Chancellor pledges extra cash for NHS

by Mark Cobley THE GOVERNMENT has committed itself to spending as much on healthcare as the rest of Europe.

Speaking in the Commons last week, Tony Blair pledged to raise NHS funding to the European average by 2005.

This was a confirmation of measures announced in Chancellor Gordon Brown’s pre-budget report.

At present, the UK spends much less than the EU average on healthcare.

However, the Institute for Fiscal Studies has predicted that much of this extra money will have to come from increased taxation.

Andrew Dilnot, director of the IFS, told BBC Radio 4’s PM programme, ‘If the Government, in the area of health wants to get up to the European average, that means adding 1 per cent of national income to health spending. That is £10bn. We could easily be talking about higher tax.’

The Chancellor repeatedly refused to rule out possible tax rises in the future in a

NHS: Will welcome extra funds allocated by Brown

series of interviews given throughout the day.

The Wanless Report into the NHS, published alongside the pre-budget report, concluded that a taxfunded service remained the ‘most efficient’ way of providing healthcare as opposed to a national insurance scheme.

Tory leader Iain DuncanSmith challenged the Prime Minister during Question Time in the Commons over the pledge, accusing him of ‘handcuffing’ the

Government to the state monopoly.

He said, ‘You’ve condemned patients to wait longer, suffer more and die earlier than our neighbours in Europe.’

But Mr. Blair replied that the Tories wanted to ‘make sure that people are forced to pay for the treatment they have.’

The Prime Minister continued, ‘We believe in an NHS system that is funded out of general taxation, free at the point of use.’

US scientists ACT on human cloning

by Elizabeth Ireland SCIENTISTS IN America have taken steps to develop the first cloned human embryo.

The technique discovered

by American based private Research Company, Advanced Cell Technology (ACT) involves precious stem cells being harvested for embryos for use on other human bodies.

It is hoped that the cloned human tissue will be used to treat diseases such as cancer, Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.

Although this therapeutic cloning is legal, fears have arisen that the technique could be used to implant cloned embryos into the womb.

London based expert, Patrick Dixon, warns, ‘This research will undoubtedly result in the creation of a significant number of mutated human embryos and maybe the birth of clones.’

Emergency laws are currently being pushed through the Houses of Parliament to prevent any unethical practice, in regard to human cloning taking place.

The Human Reproductive Bill should close a legal loophole that allows maverick scientists to clone humans.

Despite much concern over the potential dangers of the new findings, Dr Michael West of ACT stresses that the results of this research will not be used to create human clones.

He said, ‘We could implant these cells into a woman’s uterus and make a cloned human being but that

is not what we are doing. We are doing it to cure diseases.’

Judson Sommerville, a devout Christian from America, believes that the research will help thousands.

He has donated DNA to the project in the hope that scientists will discover a cure for the paralysis from which he suffers.

He said, ‘This research is a great opportunity to help a lot of people. Billions of people could benefit.’

CLONE: The first cloned human embryo

Letters ● 7

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

Letter of the week The writer of this week’s Letter of the week wins a full set of top-of-the range badger traps in which to ensnare his tormentors. Not really, obviously.

Dear Gair Rhydd, Imagine my surprise last Wednesday in the Tav on discovering that I’d suddenly lost five and a half feet in height. A few seconds of reflection and some amused looks from nearby patrons, lead me to realise that I had in fact fallen over. This was clearly wrong. After being helped up by a very attractive young lady, I pondered my fate. As I saw it there were only two possible reasons from my untimely demise from the world of the standing. Firstly, that the copious amounts of tasty beverages I had consumed had, in some random biological event, caused my body to develop a distinct lack of balance thereby resulting in my centre of gravity moving to a part of the bar unreachable by my legs. This was obviously implausible – the human body is made of sterner stuff than to be tricked by mere of brewed cereal crops mixed with water. No, the only possible answer was badgers.

Led by their evil king, Bernard the Unpronounceable, they had devised a hideous scheme to humiliate me in one of my favourite watering holes. It was obvious; they must have employed some mischievous and mercenary beer-glass pixies. Who, lured by the offer of a lifetime’s supply of green jelly babies, had engineered my (quite literal) downfall. After constructing an elaborately technical, law of physics defying device, the pixies had then instigated the badgers’ devious plan.

The small portion of the Tav floor upon which I was stood had been impelled to tilt to a dangerous and positively non-vertical state. The speed and ferocity of this movement had resulted in my usually stable ground gripping apparatus, (read feet) becoming suddenly at one with the air. And me falling on my arse. My only solace was that the beer glass pixies had seen fit to remove my pint to secure location thereby giving me a shoulder upon which to drown my sorrows.

These wicked badgers must be stopped at all costs. I have now devoted my life to the dethroning of the evil badger king Bernard and the championing of soft floors…. Or not. Hmmm…Note to self: no more meths.

Yours, Doofus, A big Tafarn fan

Mindless To s s - p o t s Dear Gair Rhydd, I am just writing to express my disgust at the two idiots who were having a fight by the main bar at Lash on Friday night (23rd Nov). As always, the Union was packed and they didn’t seem to care about who

got in their way. I happened to be in the way and consequently got punched around the head by one of them. The bouncers were then called over but did nothing to help at all. I would just like to say that although I was okay, an apology would have been nice, as would some help from the bouncers, as I assume that is what they are there for. All in all, blokes like that should be taken

outside of the Union grounds where for all I care they can quite happily try to kill each other, but when they’re fighting within the Union they are just putting others in danger and ruining everyone’s evening.

Yours, Alison, 2nd Year Euros P.S. Thanks to the nice guy at the bar who made sure I was okay.

Lettersdesk says: It’s a sad fact of life that this and presumably every other university is inhabited by a large and apparently growing number of, for want of a better word, wankers. I personally think that people who go to Union events looking for an opportunity to demonstrate their ‘manliness’ in a violent manner should be unceremoniously dumped onto the rail-tracks from the second floor of the Union, but there are probably rules about that sort of thing.

One-armed Bandits Dear Gair Rhydd, What in the name of Jimmy Hill has happened to the Tav? I'm a reasonable man and haven't really been annoyed since a seagull stole my double mint choc chip ice cream...with flake, at the age of six.

But which Twunt decided to ruin my Tav by putting a herd of arcade machines in the middle of it? Not only has this forced me to stand somewhere else, it has ruined the atmosphere and made it harder for me to watch the passing wildlife.

SURELY everyone can see this is a bad idea. So, unless the people responsible what to live in fear of mustard/bicarb soda traps for the next 2-3 years, I suggest the machines are burnt or put back in the corner.

Thankyou Mace Lettersdesk says: Well, well, well, it’s all been going off in the Union this week, has it not? Badger

infestations, migrating gambling machines and, for a change, pissed up numbskulls causing trouble.

Sounds like the recipe for an excellent fly on the wall documentary. . .

responsible for this attack on our students.

The End is nigh

Dear Gair Rhydd (and the 5th year engineering student who felt the need to slate Act One's Christmas pantomime 'Robin Hood -Prince of Sleaze'),

Dear Gair Rhydd, Following your article on 19th November (Issue 705),”Police appeal after pub incident”, I would like the following statement to be published.

I have been the manager of ...the end for nine months, during which time we have only had three minor incidents of ‘violence’, as you described it in the paper.

The matter of the 31st October was one commonly known in the pub trade as “handbags at dawn”. I nor my team appreciated the fact that your paper described it as “several serious incidents.” If you had bothered to ask the people who actually witnessed the minor scuffle, then you would have been told that apart from one punch the entire incident happened outside the pub.

I would like to point out that ...the end is a pub for students run by a team of students (apart from myself), and we pride ourselves on providing a safe and enjoyable environment for students to drink in.

We have worked hard over the last nine months to build the reputation of one of the best student bars in Cardiff, and hope in printing this you can undo some of the undue damage that your article may have caused. We take this matter so seriously that as from 30th November ...the end will be NUS ONLY on Friday ,Saturday and Sundays.

Yours faithfully, Georgia Williams (manager of ...the end pub Lettersdesk: The article about the incident near ...the end was included at the request of South Wales police, who wanted to appeal for witnesses to come forward. We would not dismiss three broken noses and other facial injuries ‘handbags at dawn’ and we are as keen as the police to find those

Chillin’ in da Hood

Are you taking the piss? What are you doing at university you sad sad individual?

I hate to fit the stereotype of a stoodent that you appear to be so bitter about, but I will freely admit that I love to get battered on £1.20 a pint and love distasteful dirty humour as much as the next person (bar you evidently!) I will admit that the pantomime was more directed at men, but the presence of a very sexy Friar Tuck was enough to keep myself and female friends from finding an issue with that.

As you so astutely pointed out, it is a pantomime 'written for students by students', isn't that the fucking point??!! If people wanted to watch 'proper' as you put it, dirt-free entertainment such as 'A Christmas Carol'. I'm sure that they would have no problems seeking it out at one of the theatres here in Cardiff. I thought the pantomime was fantastic, cheap, funny and a general good night out. Well done Act One! As for you Mr(?) Engineering student, get off your high horse and learn how to have fun. Or alternatively you can stay in and wank off to Charles Dickens.

Yours Jennie W, 2nd year "stoodent" Lettersdesk says: Uhh, Jennie, in answer to your first question. . . yes, “5th Year engineering student” clearly was taking the piss. The letter in question (Hoodwinked, GR 706) turned out to be a shameless plug for what was indeed an excellent production. What tipped me off was the reference to spending an evening playing whist. Nobody is that sad. But thanks for your letter: it’s always refreshing to hear from someone who doesn’t understand irony.

Send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Crossword

Basically, what you’ve got to do is fill in all the little boxes with letters. Then, if you can, try to make them spell words. And for the really bright sparks amongst you, you could try to make these words correspond to the clues given below. All sounds too much like hard work to me, but apparently some people quite enjoy it.

ACROSS: 1.Pursuit of pleasure (8) 5. Feathered female (4) 9. Genuineness (9) 10. Sound expressing disapproval (3) 11. Surface of earth and grass (4) 13. Public address (7) 16. Archaic “to” (4) 18. Duck-like walk (6) 19. Horror-struck (6) 21. Crooked (4) 23. Recount (7) 25. Hunting assembly (4) 27. Meadow (3) 28. Economic management (9) 30. Horseback journey (4) 31. Slovenly woman or girl (8)

DOWN: 1. Hinged metal fastener (4) 2. Put on (3) 3. Necessary (7) 4. Stopper in a barrel (6) 6. Detailed and complex (9) 7. Cause to explode (8) 8. Black and white speaking bird (4) 12. Earning too little (9) 14. Lion’s sound (4) 15. Conman or conwoman (8) 17. Undiluted (4) 20. Acrobatic sportsperson (7) 22. Ferret-like carnivore (6) 24. Prolonged dull pain (4) 26. Greenish blue (4) 29. Small cube with numbered faces (3) Send your answers to the gair rhydd office before Wednesday and the winner will be announced in the next issue. 706’s smart-arse was called David Marcus. Well done.

706’s solution: ACROSS: 2.Splurge; 7.Flip; 8.They 9.Aerobic; 10.Emir; 12.Hope; 15.Ail; 16.Exempt; 18.Dieter; 20.Reamer; 22.Anoint; 23.Oaf; 24.Whey; 27.Sham; 29.Actuate; 30.Omen; 31.Aria; 32.Kingdom.

DOWN: 1.Plum; 2.Spar; 3.Lariat; 4.Ribald; 5.Etch; 6.Hemp; 10.Eyebrow; 11.Iterate; 13.Ostrich; 14.Erratum; 17.Pie; 19.Ian; 21.Rotten; 22.Afraid 25.Hymn; 26.Yank; 27.Seam; 28.Amid.

Name:_______________________ Email:________________________ If I could be a celebrity, I would be . . . . because:__________________________ ___________________________________________________________________

This week’s winner wins a meal for two at Chillies Indian Restaurant and Takeaway

Comment ● 8

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

Comment Comment If you can’t beat them don’t join I them

T

he world can be such a cruel and hostile place sometimes, can’t it? Just the other day I opened the newspaper to be greeted with a very sad and utterly disheartening piece of writing, about a little girl, Elaine Swift, who had been driven to suicide by the bullies who hounded her and tormented her for saving her sister’s life.

It defies belief that anyone could possibly find anything at all in this heroic story of a six year old girl saving her sister from cancer to ridicule and make fun of.

Bullying is something that we all know about and are aware of, and each new intake of pupils at the beginning of the academic year breeds its own bullies who run their reign of terror over the more innocent pupils in the school.

When I look back at my time in school, it was often the most trivial things that caused people to get bullyied. Things such as doing well in class, or not hanging around with the in group’.

And although, as far as I am aware, nothing as devastating as the events that befell Elaine Swift happened in my school, I think that the subject of bullying is one that needs to be challenged with force by schools, parents and the government alike.

The story of Elaine Swift is one of a number of stories in the news recently where victims of bullying have been reduced to taking their own lives as the only way out of the torment they suffer at the hands of the bullies each day.

Why do these bullies do it? I have a theory, and it is this: that bullies pick on and torment other people due to their own inadequacies and even jealousies about the people they target.

To me it is sad that stories such as the one above are not infrequent.

Bullying is something which affects hundreds of people every day, and sadly not just in the school environment.

I fear that it is just as widespread in the workplace as it is in the playground, and that is the saddest thing of all – that grown ups still think that they have to make fun of other people to make themselves feel better ten or twenty years after leaving the playground behind.

Siân Birch

Choosing my religion

n a discussion about the new law Higher Being of some kind, then you’re pretty difficult. Religion is not like against Incitement to Religious Hatred, most likely to ‘choose’ the religion that vegetarianism or pacifism or communism a guest professor on Radio Four ‘fits’ your ethnicity or upbringing. In this or a whole host of other -isms that the declared that religion was a ‘moral scenario, most white Brits are likely to Radio Four commentator could call ‘moral choice’, whereas race was something become Christian or Jewish, most Asian choices’. over which we have no choice. Criticism Brits are likely to become Buddhist or Again, that’s not to dismiss them: there of religion should therefore be allowed, Sikh or Muslim. are political stances which approach the just as free speech gives us the right to So while a convert apparently has the degree of belief of a religion but we need criticise politics, whereas race should be ‘choice’ of religion, this choice is in to recognise that religion is something beyond criticism. practice dictated by cultural background. different from politics. It’s not a stance you This comment produces two arguments: The ‘choice’ here is only about whether or adopt after being convinced in an the unsympathetic argument says that not to believe in the Higher Being. argument, which you can just as easily because religious affiliation is largely Which brings me on to the sympathetic abandon after another argument. geographic, and therefore largely ethnic, it argument, because I don’t think that’s Religion is part of the soul (itself a is a part of culture and is religious concept). You cannot therefore pretty difficult to shake ‘choose’ to believe in a Higher Being, off. Most Hindus come from the you just do. Ask most religious people Religion is not like Indian Subcontinent; most whether they’d rather say ‘I believe in vegetarianism or pacifism or God’ or ‘I know that God exists’ and Muslims from North Africa, Southeast Europe and the they’d prefer the latter phrase. communism or a whole host Indian Ocean; most Buddhists The independent observer would of other-isms that from the Himalayan areas and say, ‘Ah yes, but it’s all subjective’. commentators could call Sri Lanka...and so the list goes The anthropologist would confidently on. point out that all ‘religious’ people are ‘moral choices’ For the likes of the Italian PM basically brainwashed by their culture who think that the west is into thinking that they believe somehow culturally superior I something which isn’t true. would suggest that Christianity is also much of a choice either. The Here lies the crucial test of tolerance. merely a cultural phenomenon; northern unsympathetic argument is pretty Can you really understand and respect Europe is predominantly Protestant, offensive to religious people: it that religious people know that their southern Europe predominantly Roman undervalues religion as no more than a beliefs actually aren’t subjective? Can you Catholic; and the type of Christianity societal construct, an imposition of understand and respect that religious found in the rest of the world tends to cultural control through appeals to a people know that their version of follow whichever European power has higher authority. And as such it assumes God/god(s) is actually true? Can you been dominant in the past. that the whole thing is baloney. tolerate that kind of narrow-mindedness?

In an increasingly cosmopolitan country The sympathetic argument says that Religion is no more a ‘choice’ than the like Britain, religious affiliation still goes religion is not a ‘moral choice’ because colour of your skin. The only ways you with ethnicity. Yes, there are exceptions, when religious people say ‘I believe’ they can wilfully abandon religious belief are but they are minorities. And even in really mean it. It’s not like those phrases ‘I either not to have had it in the first place, minorities people tend to adopt or believe in the third way’ or ‘I believe in or to lose that belief along the way. abandon a religion within family units. private enterprise’ for instance.

Or at least, that’s my own, subjective This suggests to me that religion is In an increasingly secular society the point of view. cultural: it’s a part of your upbringing and majority of non-religious people are background. More crucially, it suggests increasingly unable to truly understand James Lewis that if you’ve been agnostic or atheist, what real religious belief actually is. and you suddenly ‘choose’ to believe in a That’s not meant to be an insult: it’s

“ ”

First-class lady of politics

I

t may not be cool to like the wife of the Pob-faced Tony Blair, but I can’t help it.

She is paid more than her husband, is a Human Rights Barrister (no mean feat in the bizarre and chauvinistic world of the Bar), has kids and stays tastefully separate from the government, even representing the opposition in a court case a few years ago.

I’m sure many of you could point out a plethora of her faults, but when I look at Cherie Blair, I (choose to) see an intelligent, successful, motivated and moral woman. Frankly, you could do a lot worse.

Her recent step out of the quiet world of charity work into the public limelight to plead for the rights of the Afghan women

was no doubt a carefully considered one.

There are few public figures more suited to fight the corner of this much maligned section of the Afghan population.

Around the world, the cry goes up for women’s basic human rights to be respected, but somehow Laura Bush, America’s First Lady, doesn’t seem as genuine or connected to their plight as Mrs Blair.

Although our own Claire Short insists that the Government would fight to recognise women’s rights in Afghanistan if and when a new administration is set up in the country, I would rather trust Cherie to make sure it happens.

The Northern Alliance may be fighting the Taliban, but it is by no means a

moderate faction and cannot be relied upon to respect the rights of its women, as well as all other Afghans.

Cherie Blair is eminently qualified to comment on and support the Afghan women, and is in a position to significantly influence both public and governmental support for their cause.

That she has stepped into the public arena, an arena fraught with the teeth of criticism and the claws of the media, is in my mind another reason to respect the Lady.

I can only speculate as to what she sees in the Pobster, but I’m sure she has her reasons....

Holly Myers

NEWS

Non-Sabb News

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

●

09

Non-Sabb

Word on the liberation campaigns

Attack advice

by Sally Cameron Griffiths and members of the Womens group

A

lthough they occur relatively rarely, sexual assault is a very traumatic event for the victim. Often they turn to a close friend for help and support, so because of this, along with P.C Daly, we have accumulated some helpful information and guidelines to keep in mind if an unfortunate incident should occur to one of your friends or family.

If the attack occurred recently • Offer reassurance and comfort to the

DESPAIR: Sexual attack can leave the victim feeling depressed and vulnerable, but there is support avaliable

victim

be sought as well as emotional support form

support. This can be sought via the police,

attack to the police. This does not mean they will have to go to court, but will mean that the appropriate medical care and support will be given.

•If they do want to report the police, try not to let them eat, drink or shower. These actions can destroy vital evidence that may help to convict the attacker.

• If they do not want to report the incident to the police, try and encourage medical help to

would have done if the attack had only just happened.

• Try and encourage them to report the assault to the police. Even years after an attack the assailant could still be caught.

There may be a lack of forensic evidence but there could have been other attacks by the same attacker and you could be the missing link to a larger picture.

•Encourage the victim to seek emotional

there is always the risk of catching an STI from such attacks.

• Try and keep them warm - they could be one of the many support groups listed below. any of the support groups stated below or the suffering from shock university counselling service which can be • Try and remove the victim from the scene If the attack happened sometime in the found in the Dean of Students office next of the assault past door to the students union.

• Try and encourage them to report the • Offer the same support and comfort as you • Encourage them to seek medical help -

Got a cold or the flu?

Blocked nose, sore throat, headache, aches and pains.....

Safety tips Rape is never the fault of the victim. Bridget Daly, a police officer specifically trained in rape, gave us some useful tips on how to keep yourself safe when out and about union for £1.

• Always travel in pairs or groups. This doesn’t just mean when walking home late at night, but pay attention to those around you in the day as well. Keep an eye out for friends when out in pubs and clubs, especially if they are drunk or with a stranger.

• If you have to travel alone, try and look

confident and stick to busy, well lit roads.

An even better option would be to use the free union bus service.

• Always familiarise yourself with the area

you are in. This includes knowing where the C.C.T.V cameras are and organising safe meeting places for you and your friends in case you get separated.

• Carry a personal attack alarm, as the noise is usually enough to scare off an attacker.

These are available in the student advice centre on the third floor of the students’

Have you got time to help us with our research at the Common Cold Centre? If yes, please telephone 0500 655398 (Freephone) or come to the Common Cold Centre.

You will be compensated for your time and travel by a cheque payment at the end of the study

Common Cold Centre

Cardiff School of Biosciences, Off Park Place, near the Tower Block Monday - Friday 9.30am - 4.30pm

Most importantly, you should also remember your own feelings - the reporting of an attack may be traumatic for the confidant. Don’t be afraid to seek support for yourself if it feels like it is too much to cope with. Any of the following support groups will be able to help you or the victim.

• Always tell someone where you are going, a contact number, your proposed route home, your expected time of arrival to the venue and when you are expected to return home.

• When home, always check that all door

locks are in working order. If you have doors that require locking with a key, make sure they are locked whenever someone enters or leaves the house.

• Always close windows that are not needed to be open.

• Never leave your drink unattended when in a pub or a club, as drug rape can and does occur.

• Don’t let strangers buy you a drink unless you are present at the time of purchase.

Who can help?

University Health Centre – 029 2087 4810 AIDS Helpline – 0800 567123 Nightline – 029 2038 2141 Cardiff Rape and Sexual Abuse Line – 029 2037 3181 University Security – 029 2087 4444 Samaritans – 0845 7099090 Women’s Aid – 029 2046 0566

Non-Sabb News

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

by Sophie Thomas and Chris Campbell

H

omlessness is not an issue that everyone feels particularly comfortable with or even any empathy for. Cardiff is rapidly becoming a red area in terms of its homelessness problems, and the numerous projects that are running are desperately under-funded and overworked.

One of these organisations is “Cardiff Action for the Single Homeless” (C.A.S.H.), who run the Huggard Centre which is the only open day care centre in Wales; and Tresillian terrace which is an emergency bed unit for the homeless. The Huggard Centre is a place where anyone can go to get the basics; food, shelter and washing facilities.

But perhaps equally as important, they provide advice, opportunities, a chance to learn new skills and to make real friends. This is all aimed at actively working towards changing their situation for the long term. S.V.U.C (Student volunteering) also runs a homelessness project in which the volunteers go down to the shelter to help out with the work that the organisation already does.

●

On the 7th of December C.A.S.H.has organized a sponsored sleep out to promote awareness of homelessness issues, and to raise money for the shelter so that they can continue their work. S.V.U.C. is promoting this event for all students in and around the university in an attempt to show support for the problem. We aren’t trying to pretend that we are homeless.

Or that one night out is in any way similar to their situation. What we are trying to do, is to actively show them some support, and to raise some money and awareness.

The event itself will take place at Cathedral Walk (at the back of Marks and Spencers, Queen St) this Friday. Its all fully licensed, with tea, coffee, soup, and toilet facilities being provided in the basement hall of the nearby Ebenezer Church.

If you want to get involved or would like to sponsor us as a group, then please visit the friendly people in the S.V.U.C office (On the third floor of the Students Union; walk right through the games room) for a sponsorship form and more info. Alternatively contact Sophie: Sophicus_yoyo@hotmail.com Chris: beerischicken@aol.com or Neil: PrendergastN@cardiff.ac.uk The more people that show their support the better. Please come along.

Homelessness: How you can help The issue of homelessness becomes even more potent at Christmas.

Here, the Student Volunteering group tell gair rhydd how they intend to spread a bit of Christmas cheer throughout Cardiff

IT’S ALL ABOUT YOUR CASH SAY NO

TO STUDENT HARDSHIP

The winning ticket is:

Pink ticket 165 E41Q BU4Z It doesn’t stop there...

A massive thanks to all of you who came out to support the NUS Regional Day of Action on November 13 by building the pile of pennies to symbolise the burden of student debt.

The final amount came to about 400 hundred pounds, and as promised, the money has been raffled off to help alleviate one lucky student’s debt. Someone from this University who contributed to the pile and collected a ticket might have won all that money.

If you are that lucky winner, come with your ticket and see the Union’s Communications and Community Officer, Elaye Clark and claim your money.

10

Classifieds ● 11

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

●

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

●

25 pence per bold word

●

30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

●

£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

●

£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE

Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS

SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons 2-5pm.

Contact Cerith Spooner on SpoonerC1@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Wednesday afternoons.

Contact Minelle Gholami on GholamiM1@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Monday 2-4pm. Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Monday and Wednesday afternoons. Contact Sally Cameron Griffiths on Cameron-Griffiths @Cardiff.ac.uk.

LGB OFFICER: Wednesday afternoons 25pm, Wednesday afternoons. Contact James Knight on KnightJ2@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Prab Ramkumar on RamkumarP1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER: Contact Gareth Hiscocks on HiscocksG@Cardiff.ac.uk.

Xpress Station Manager: contact Emma Gait-Carr on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

Want to talk about sexuality? Or do you want information about lesbian, gay or bisexual issues? No hassle, no pressure, just a friendly ear. Ring the LGB PHONELINE on 029 2039 8903, Monday, 7.00pm-9.00pm

All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

ACCOMMODATION Spacious room to let in friendly house in Cathays with three girls. Full furnished. £195 pcm. Near to Uni and pubs.

Contact Amy, Ceri or Karen: (029) 2038 2553.

FOR SALE Size ten Salomon inline skates hardly used. Worth £200 for sale at £100. Contact Catherine on 029 2021 6226 for further details.

MISCELLANEOUS The Alexander Technique can improve postural habits, release tension, aid concentration and improve general well-being.

From November 3 I will be teaching the Alexander Technique in Meeting Room 3 in the Students’ Union Building on Thursdays.

Individual lessons will be available from 11am – 3pm and are open to everybody.

For further information and to book lessons please contact Mrs Sarah Tovey

on 01873 857200 or e-mail: sarah.tovey@btinternet.com Ooh, a bit of miscellaneous space to fill up.

What’s the most miscellaneous thing that’s happened to you this week? And by miscellaneous, I mean something that could not be categorised under any of the headings on this page. “I read that Daniel Bedingfield said that ‘A woman isn’t raped if she knows the rapist’ – and he’s probably going to be number one this week. Gutted.” “I recorded my voice onto a dictaphone and put it in a cupboard, pretending to be trapped. It was brilliant. Then I pretended to be trapped under my own hat. That was even better.” “I was asked to mix a cocktail comprising gingerbread syrup and Fanta Limon.” “I discovered that Angelina Jolie, or someone who has to be her twin sister, is in the video for Meatloaf’s Rock n’n Roll Dreams Come Through.” “Sorry, everything that’s happened to me this week has either been ‘employment’ or ‘personal’ and has no place in the miscellaneous column.” Fair enough.

A city boy got very bored while staying with his uncle in the country so his uncle took pity on him. ‘Why don’t you take the dogs and my gun and go hunting?’ he says. So the young man goes out for the day and comes back late in the afternoon.

‘Did you enjoy that?’ the uncle asks. ‘Oh, it was brilliant,’ says the nephew, ‘Got any more dogs?’

P.S Well done Robin! A loser no more!

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with ‘an hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

Thursday 6th December

V K Ice & VK Blue £1 from the Solus bottle Bar

www.cardiffstudents.com

Programme until Thursday 6th December 2001. Please ring the information line for this weekend’s listings.

Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - (PG) (Battle, violence and fantasy horror - may be unsuitable for under 8’s) Advance Showings - Book Now 0870 0102351 10.00 11.30 12.15 1.00 2.45 3.45 4.15 4.45 6.30 7.30 8.00 8.30

Harry Potter and The Philosopher’s Stone - (PG)

9.15 9.45 10.15 10.45 11.15 12.30 1.00 1.30 2.00 2.30 3.45 4.15 4.45 5.15 5.45 7.00 7.30 8.00 8.30 9.00 Late night shows - Fri and Sat only 10.30 11.00 11.30

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - (18)

Fri & Sat 11.10 1.40 4.10 6.45 9.15 12.00 Sun - Thu 11.10 1.40 4.00 6.20 8.45

Zoolander - (12)

Legally Blonde - (12)

10.00 12.00 2.10 Daily except Thu 4.20 6.30 Daily

Kandahar - (15)

7.30 - Friday only Including Q & A session with the Director

The Grinch

Saturday Mornings Kid’s Club Children & Adults £1.50 Starts 10.00 Ends 11.45

The Believers - (15)

Fri & Sat 11.55 2.15 4.30 6.45 9.00 11.30 Sun - Thu 11.30 1.50 4.00 6.20 8.35

Advance Screenings - Thursday only 8.40

Ghostworld - (15)

The Bandits - (12)

10.50 1.20 3.50 6.20 8.50 Late night shows - Fri and Sat only 11.30

11.30 2.20 5.20 8.15 Late night shows - Fri and Sat only

The Heist - (15)

11.20 1.40 4.00 6.15 8.40 Late night shows - Fri and Sat only 11.00

11.50 3.00 5.50 8.30 Late night shows - Fri and Sat only 11.30

Storytelling - (18)

Spy Game - (15)

11.10 2.00 5.00 8.00 Late night shows - Fri and Sat only 11.15

Me Without You - (15)

11.55 2.30 5.15 8.00 Late night shows - Fri and Sat only 11.00

The Others - (12)

10.40 2.00 4.20 6.40 9.00 Late night shows - Fri and Sat only 11.50

Kiss of The Dragon - (18) 8.40 - Daily except Thursday

The Green Mile - (18)

Thursday Morning Senior Screen £1.70 Starts 11.00 Intermission included Ends 2.20

Any screening £2.95 for students with valid NUS Card.

GET OFF YOUR PHONE, GET OUT OF THE MATRIX, GET TO THE GR SOCIAL. Gair Rhydd Film Desk presents

The Matrix

on Monday 3rd December at 7.00pm at UGC Cinema S p o n s o r e d

b y

An exclusive chance to see this classic film on the big screen for free and then mingle with all the section editors of the Gair Rhydd at the UGC bar.

Small-talk is a must. The event is open to anyone who has ever contributed to the Gair Rhydd and is free thanks to those darlings at the UGC Cinema. So get on down there, have a couple of drinks and see a great film. Just take the elevator to the top floor bar and wait for the call . . .

For just 8-10 hours work each week you could be pocketing between £40 and £100 - its that easy!

Join the betterware team, the UK’s largest direct seller of houseware products.

We provide all the catalogues stationery etc — you pay nothing!

You choose the hours (min 8-10 p/w), deliver/collect brochures with order and then we pay you!

No selling involved.

Interested? Simply call free, 0800 0565646

MUSIC get emotional with Clearlake at Barfly

FILM Jay and Silent Bob strike back

GAMES go Sea Monkey crazy

Robin Hood: Prince of Cheese Electric Soft Parade • Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back • Vanessa Mae • Big Break Tour • Al Green Inside: Get There! The ultimate guide to Cardiff and beyond!

Contents

02. Get There No life, or means of getting one? Let Get There help...

04. Arts

Arts enjoy VanessaMae’s latest violin-toting spectaclar at St. David’s Hall, and take in the shows Copenhagen and Tom Jones.

05. Books

Books get to know Al Green a little better, and wade knee deep in human body parts with Titus Andronicus.

06. Film

Film get down with those loveable rogues Jay and Silent Bob.

09. Music

All the latest releases reviewed and rated, as well as keeping up with Cardiff’s live music scene.

13. Games More finger jerking action from the Games team.

15. TV Guide The funniest and least informative television guide in the world. . .ever.

GRiP Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor John Bayley and Mike Parsons Arts Lizzie Brown and LaDonna Hall Books D.C. Gates Film Jonathan Steven Games James Morley and Chris Faires Music Gemma Curtis and Maria Lane Get There Luke Holland TV Listings Charlotte Martyn, Nick Harrison GRiP needs your help! We are overworked and losing our minds.

Visit our media penthouse on the 4th floor of the Union or • E-mail ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk • Hear us speak 029 2078 1434/6

Get There

02

H

as it really been a whole week since last we met? It would appear so, unless we’ve been the victim of some cruel hoax involving time travel, calenders and all our mates.

Which is unlikely. So with a skip in our step and nary a thought for personal safety, the Get There team return to the fray once again, with more listings than you can shake a stick at.

So remember gang: Get Hip - Get There. And whatever you do, don’t mention the war...

A bloke walks into a doctors.

‘Doctor’, he says, looking slightly abashed, ‘I’ve got this awful problem’.

‘Whats that, then?’, asks the concerned doctor.

‘You see’, says the bloke, ‘when I speak, I can’t pronounce my F’s or my T’s’.

‘Well’, says the doctor, ‘you can’t say fairer than that, then’.

Here are the listings.

Union Monday 03/12

Orange Music on Campus Tour @ Solus 9pm-1am, free. Featuring DJ Touche (Wiseguys), Cut La Roc and others. If last years little bash was anything to go by, this should be very loud but very jiggy. Don’t miss out.

Wednesday 05/12

Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50. Mysteriously popular night full of pissed up Jocks with “comedy” slogans on their tshirts, looking for a fight. Oh, I’m sorry, did I just say that? (Yes, ‘you’ did. Me, the guy who usually makes the witty comments here, didn’t. Just for the record)

Thursday 06/12

80’s Nite @ Solus What more can you say really? 80 pence a pint (selected lines only mind!) and a veritable plethora of cheesy tunes to remind you of the primary school discos of yesteryear.

Friday 07/12

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm, £2. Drink-friendly cheese abounds. People drink, dance, smile and occasionaly vomit. Mine’s a large one.

Saturday 08/12

Pure and Simple @ Solus 9pm-1am. £2.50. With Hearsay tribute, Nearsay.

For fucks sake, have people got nothing better to do with their miserable lives? Double JD and squirt only £1, should bloody well hope so, I think you’ll need it!

Sunday 09/12

Java @ Seren Las (Coffee *1) 7-11pm, Free Entry. Suitably chilled Sunday shindig, with the Hustler AllStar seal of approval. Wine less than a fiver a bottle, and liquer only £1 a shot.

Worth a look any day of the week. Sundays are probably best, though, as that’s when it’s on.

Clubbing Monday 03/12

Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Though i’m not one to spread rumours, a little bird told me that every person that goes to the End for a night out turns into a complete twat by the next morning. Not sure if it’s true, but worth considering, eh?

Big Jugs @ Bar Med ‘Til 11.30pm. Ugly, sad and single? This night’s for you!

Guru Vibrations @ Berlins 9pm-2am. Soul, funk, hip-hop and, er, 80’s. NUS only. Why bother?

One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus. Then again, so is death by buggery.

MAD @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. Having resisted the temptation to say that you’d have to be mad to go here (get it?), i’ll just say that its full of vile, dumb-arse fuckwits.

Ahh. Feeling better aleady.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh?

Fantasy Lounge Glorified sweat shop where young students whore themselves to pay there massive student debts.

Allegedly.

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s

Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight.

Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night, £1 a pint.

Live Music @ The Toucan Club See Live Music. Obviously.

DJ Mix Selector @ Sam’s Bar £2-£5 entry. Great for anybody who likes watching stoned 17 year olds attempt to mix.

Life Cafe Bar Bland house music combines with arsey dress code to produce a night of breathtaking mediocrity! Fab! Retro Night @ The Roxy Free entry. Retro music played in a club, one presumes. Oh, the joys of blatant sarcasm!

Tuesday 04/12

Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk..

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in!

Hoochy Koochy @ The Emporium 9pm-2am, £1 b4 10pm/£2. Student madness, courtesy of the amusingly named Jockstrap 5.

Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Dylan’s Loves 80’s @ Dylan’s Hundreds of flagrant cunts drink piss flavoured lager and vomit on each other. See you there, then.

Pulse @ Zeus Worse than contracting genital worts. On your toungue.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day. Free grope for all female customers optional.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thunk it?!?

Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Or A Touch of Class.

Fantasy Lounge Just hire a whore, you losers!

2-4-1 Night @ Flares Does what it says on the tin. Badly.

Offya Face @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Alternative NUS night.

Its sweaty, its smelly, its dingy and its actually great fun!

Karaoke @ Reds Has it really come to this? Apparently so, as the bastion of utter crap that is Reds launches a karaoke night. It is hard to think of anything worse, with the possible exception of drinking neat napalm. Or going to Zeus.

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe.

Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

The Magnificent Bar @ Bar Med Everything £1.50 all night, except for a feel from the ropey office birds that populate the place, which are free. Possibly.

Wednesday 05/12

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffer, but highly unlikely.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

Shooters and Slammers Party Night @ Bar Med Theme night, where you get to shoot the retarded fuck-wits that drink here with a large gun, then slam their heads repeatedly into the bar. Maybe.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out.

Down to It @ Berlins 9pm-2am. I’d rather not, thanks. Ever.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle.

Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

Fantasy Lounge More naked women dance for undersexed businessmen and rich students.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke. ‘Nuff said.

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

Wipeout @ Reds Bob Monkhouse hosts popular daytime quiz in Cardiff bar. Maybe.

Handbag 120 @ Zeus 9pm-2am. Utterly evil.

Thursday 06/12

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late night bar and drinks offers.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours. (Get it?)

Disco Inferno @ Zeus 9pm-2am, £3/£2 NUS, 70s stuff. Disco Inferno, eh? Really just a chance for all the fuck-wittages who go here to get used to what Hell feels like.

Because that’s where they’re all going to end up.

Truly, truly horrific.

Big In Japan @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. The coolest Japanese thing this side of Banzai. Cracking tunes, cool clientelle and a permenant in Clwb Ifor. Corking night all round.

Plush @ Emporium £3 /£2. Anything with a groove, says the press release, and they’re not far wrong. Sexy, sassy and really too good for a Thursday, Plush truly is a top night for those who like their R ‘n’ B, garage and house slinky and sexy. Of course, if you’re a big Sisters of Mercy fan, you should give it a miss.

What A Feeling @ Flares 70’s fun and games, open til 2am.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Old School Funk @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Yup, readers, you read it correctly!

An ‘Old Skool’ night in this cum-bucket of a wine bar. Not exactlt street, is it?

Soul Power @ Liquid 9pm-2am. Soul and R & B, with Trevor Nelson every other week. A more extensive, and far less effective, version of Plush.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Cabaret @ Minsky’s Show Bar Cabaret is the order of the day, usually courtesy of camp men dressed as women. Great fun, actually. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that Noel ‘All Man’ Sullivan of Hear’Say used to work here. Nudg nudge, wink wink etc...

Student Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry. Probably shit.

Kraoke @ Reds 9pm-2am. Great.

Alternative Student Night @ The Roxy 10pm-2am. Another night clionging on to the word ‘alternative’, as if it makes any piss poor cobbled together event worth a look. It doesn’t. As The Strokes sort of said, This Is Shit.

Friday 07/12

Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8/£6. Information (07950) 345791.

Splendid dancey night. Plenty of attitude, thankfully all good. Tonight, we get the frankly crotch moistening combination of Scratch Perverts and Andrew Weatherall!

Bar 150 @ Zeus 9pm-3am. Favourite party choons and games. One bomb is all it would take, kids.

You’d surely become a martyr....

US Garage @ The End...

8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin. Great.

Fever @ Barfly DJ Mike with a selection of indie classics.

Not bad at all, actually, if a bit cramped. Oh yeah- watch you don’t get your ear bitten off walking home, either.

Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Turntables @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Chart, garage and R&B. No trainers, no atmosphere, no real point in going. Unless you’re armed with a gun, and ain’t afraid to use it. In which case, I urge you to go, and put an end to this shocking night once and for all. Amen!

Get There

03

Foreplay @ Club X 10pm-3am. Gay Venue. Chart and ‘pumping’ house. Do gay people in Cardiff only like chart and fucking house? It would appear so.

Weekend Madness @ Cuba Til 2am. Red hot Latin grooves, by all accounts.

Big Bash @ Dylan’s Another day, another slab of utter toss from Dylan’s.

Chaos @ Metros 9pm-3am, alternative student night. No dress code, cheap booze and good tunes. Tops!

REscape vs Evolution @ Evolution 9pm-2.30am. £5 or £4 NUS. Brash and brassy house night, with a liberal sprinkling of? Its not a sodding wrestling match, people, its a frigging disco!

Cool House @ Las Iguanas 9pm-1am. US & UK house. Funky, if a little cramped, house night. Not quite up to scratch as a club venue, but as a stop off en route to somewhere bigger, this fits the bill perfectly.

Exit Club 8pm, free entry before 9.30pm. Gay Venue.

Commercial chart and dance. Again! PLAY SOME DIFFERENT SODDING MUSIC! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Get Down and Groove @ Flares Til 2am. Funky disco says the press release. A bit crap says Get There. You decide.

Moda @ Rajah’s 8.30pm-midnight. Groovy pre-club night. Self styled Cardiff ‘legend’ Dave Grooveslave does his bit. Which isn’t necessarily a recommendation.

Twin Scene @ Reds Not sure what is more shocking, the actual pisspoor nature of this club, or the fact that its full every night. Whatever, it’s still a big pile of poo, and as such should be given a wide berth.

Heavy Metal @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Unsurprisingly, heavy metal.

Actually very good at what it does, though.

The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan 8pm-2am. Live funk, and mixing madness courtesy of Kris Jenkins, Bones and Dave Grooveslave. Well good, actually. This week, D’Booga run the show, with ‘the most chilled out funk in the galaxy’. There we are, then!

Saturday 08/12

Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deliciously Wicked @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Repulsively awful would be a more accurate description.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

The Big Party @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. The party sounds like a geat idea.

Sadly, it’s in Dylan’s.

Funky Techno @ The End...

8pm-11pm, with One Mission DJ’s. At last! A night at The End that isn’t shit! The ever reliable One Mission crew do what they do best- make people smile and dance!

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler. Still a bit smelly, though.

Weekend Madness @ Bar Cuba 10pm-2am. £2/£4. DJ Andy Loveless.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Glam Night @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Expect an orgy of all things glam. Apart from Gary Glitter, of course. And Jonathan King. Or that bloke from Slade...

World Party @ The Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £7. Bossa Cuca Nova featuring Roberto Menescal, legendary Brazilian musician.

A bit of a coup, this one, as this is his only Welsh date on the whole of his European tour.

The price may seem a bit steep at first glance, but it’s going to be well worth it.

Desire @ Zeus 9pm-3am. A night so unimaginably bad, I refuse to waste a witty comment on it. It’s just utter, utter crap.

Live Music Things get off to a good start this week, with the news that the sodding awful collective of ‘musicians’ that are the So Solid Crew have cancelled their Cardiff Uni date. In one way, its a shame, because that twat who broke a 15 year old Cardiff girls jaw because she wouldn’t screw him won’t get the kicking he deserves. On the other hand, it means we are all saved from the even more awful prospect of watching them live. There are plenty of other bands from across the musical spectrum, though, that aren’t thuggish tossers. Many are playing in Cardiff this week. Details of these gigs are printed below.

Good, eh?

Monday 03/112

J T Mouse @ Barfly 8.00pm, £tbc.

‘Taff Delta Blues with an electronic pop edge’ say the band. I’d go further, and say that they are the best live band in Cardiff at the moment.

Go and watch them. You’ll leave a better person.

Dreadzone + Dubweiser @ Cafe Jazz 8.00pm.

For those who don’t remember Dreadzone (and believe me, your lucky), they were a sort of techno-Levellers, without the tunes. They did, however, do the music for Nationwide League extra, which was ace. This fact alone, though, does not warrant paying money to see them.

Really.

Valley Confusion + Baby Loose @ Sams Bar 8.00pm..

Indie stuff from two bands, both with frankly awful names.

Smash Hits Tour 20001 @ C I A 7.00pm, £15 adv.

An odd Poptastic mixture of the actually quite good (Samantha Mumba, Liberty), the bad (Blue, A1, Phats and Small) and the truly, indisputably EVIL (Westlife). Great fun for kids, though quite why nobody has murdered all of Westlife (apart from the ugly, harmless one) is quite beyond me.

Jazz Attic @ Cafe Jazz 8.00pm, £1.50.

Open mic for Jazz players, with resident rhythm section. Whether you use your fingers, blow, suck or just like to watch, you’ll be welcomed with open arms. Possibly.

Tuesday 04/12

KidZero + War on Men @ Sam’s Bar 8pm. £TBC

Kid Rocks little brother steps out on his first European Tour, ably supported by Germaine Greer; new goth/punk combo. Possibly.

Ron Sexsmith @ The Point 7.30pm. £10 in advance.

A night of melancholic wonder from the brilliant Ron Sexsmith. Beautiful melodies and on the ball lyrics make this a truly great prospect. And the guys got the word ‘sex’ in his name, which is sort of funny. For a bit...

Wednesday 05/12

Lightyear + Spankboy @ Sams Bar 8pm, £4 Punk / ska eight-piece Lightyear make the journey down from Derbyshire in an attempt to win over Cardiff. Best of luck, fellas.

Funhouse @ The Riverbank 9pm. £3 Local jazzers do their stuff, with suitably chilled results. Nice break from the norm.

Alec Empire + Zan Lyons @ Newport TJ’s 8pm. £8 adv Atari Teenage Riot frontman Alec Empire does his stuff in TJ’s. It will be loud, it will be sweaty, but it should also be absolutely fucking ace. So good, it’s worth missing the last train back to Cardiff!

Thursday 29/11

The Amigos @ Mulligans 8pm, FREE. The debate still rages as to whether or not this piss-poor covers combo really deserves to be classified as ‘music’ at all. Still, keen to fulfill our role as a public service publication, it is our duty to tell you that its on. Its also our duty to tell you that it sucks arse.

Jimjam Jam Session @ The Royal Oak, Broadway 8pm, FREE. Tip-top open mic night, at the coolest pub in the whole of Cardiff. The pub is like a museum, the beer is cheap and tasty, and the music simply marvellous. Go!

Friday 06/12

Pulse @ The Wharf 8pm, FREE. Mothership Convention @ The Toucan Club 8pm, £5 / £5.50 No listings available as we went to press, but Fridays at The Toucan are usually top drawer.

Call the venue for details, or just turn up on the night. Chances are, it’ll be good!

Yes @ St David’s Hall 7.30pm, £35 / £32.50 (seriously!)

Take a couple of members from the original, 70’s line up of Yes, mix in a wealth of faceless session musicians, stir in an orchestra, and what have you got? A night of prog-rock wank that will doubtlessly bore your tits off. £35 a sodding ticket? Not frigging likely.

The Coral @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Lauded by the NME as ‘the most extraordinary band that Liverpool has ever produced’, the Coral make their Cardiff debut. Definitely worth a gander.

Saturday 07/12

Marlborough Pad @ The Wharf 8pm, FREE. World Party @ The Toucan Club 8pm, £5 / £5.50 Usually splendid. Listings unavailable as we went to press, but if you’ve been before and liked it, its probably worth another go! Full

details resume next week - honest!

Sunday 08/12

Clinic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £6.

A frankly marvellous mixture of psychedelia, doo-wop and drone rock from those crazy Clinic types. Not everyones cup of tea, but (in my humble opinion) bloody brilliant.

Acoustic Jam @ The Toucan Club 8pm, FREE. A chance for all budding songsters to get up and show off their wares, which is decidedly a good thing. Alternatively, a chance for talentless twats to play ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ badly, which clearly isn’t.

Societies It’s great! It’s free! It’s (in no way) new! It’s the societies listings bit! Feel free to send any listings to the Gair Rhydd office via email, post or (if you’re feeling really brave) in person.

PGSS

Christmas Party, 4th December Free for members, only a quid for those not joined up! Cheap at half the price. Venue: Seren Las.

Live Music Society

INDIEcember: 10th Dec @ Jumpin’ Jacks Lots of musical fun with Star Shaped Creatures, Benway plus one more tbc. £1.50 on the door, with 50p off for ODDSOC, GRIMSOC and INDIESOC types.

Meditation Evening

5th Dec, Meeting Room 1 Chill out, take a break and enjoy yourself through meditation. Only £1, with the evening running from 5.30 - 7pm.

History Society

Christmas Party: 13th Dec, Bar Ice/Reds Tickets on sale in the Humanities Coffee shop from Monday, 11am-2pm. Only £1.50!

Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Society

EVERY WEDNESDAY (BEGINNING 31st OCTOBER) Come along to the weekly meeting, in meeting room three of the Student’s Union. Things start at 8.30pm. For more info email lgb@cf.ac.uk

Dancesport

EVERY TUESDAY Lessons take place in Solus.

Advanced / Intermediate: 6pm-7pm.

Beginners: 7.10pm-8.30pm.

SHAG Drop In

MONDAY, TUESDAY & FRIDAY 1pm-4pm in the Student Volunteering Centre.

Gair Rhydd

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! Come and write for Gair Rhydd! Meeting times 2.15pm on Wednesdays and 1:15 Monday.

Still showing at cinemas across Cardiff

AMERICAN PIE II Starring: Jason Biggs, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan Cert: 15 After the multi-million pound success of American Pie, they had to bring the whole team back again. AP2 covers the same sort of ground as the first one, but did manage to make me laugh out loud at points and is worth a viewing on a wet Cardiff afternoon.

GRiP

LEGALLY BLONDE Starring: Robert Luketic, Reece Witherspoon, Luke Wilson, Selma Blair Cert: 12 When she is ditched by her boyfriend for being too dippy, Elle decides to prove him and anyone who ever made a blonde joke wrong and join Harvard Law. Not realistic - we all know that whilst blonde chicks are good looking, there isn’t much upstairs.

OSMOSIS JONES Starring: Chris Rock, Bill Murray, David Hyde, Laurance Fishburne Cert: PG The Farrelly Brothers bring us a movie mixed between live animation starring Bill Murray and animation starring Chris Rock.

Basically the animated part is set inside Bill Murray, an ill zoo-worker and Osmosis Jones must save him. Sounds very educational.

THE OTHERS Starring: Nicole Kidman, Fionnula Flanagan, Chris Eccleston Cert: 12 Nicole’s next big thing after the run-away success of Moulin Rouge. Your basic ghost story in a big old scary house here. Some scenes are very “I see dead people” in style, but Nicole does the part justice with her performance.

JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK Starring: Ken Smith, Jason Mewes, Shannon Elizabeth Cert: 12 The final installment of the terminally entertaining Jay and Silent Bob saga, as Smith says farewell to the charaters that put him on the televisual map of cult comedy. Be warned - you may actually die laughing at this one.

Watch at own risk.

booksreviews

Cult Classic: Titus Andronicus Y

OU CAN tell it’s going to be a bad day when before midday two of your sons are being hauled out of a pit to be executed...oh well. Such is one of the many unhappy events to befall the eponymous hero of Titus Andronicus. Reckoned to be Shakespeare’s first tragedy (excepting those who believe that Christopher Marlowe was the author), it must also rank as his bloodiest, with murder and mutilation occurring at an alarming frequency. This grand guignol material made the play very popular in Elizabethan times, but did

When Titus discovers their guilt, he has Tamora’s sons baked in a pie not go down so well for James I and his court. Thus the play languished in textbooks and anthologies until recently, as modern directors have discovered the charms of violence and brutality.

Titus returns from his victorious campaign against the Goths and is immediately involved in the high politics of Rome, where the brothers Saturninus and Bassanus are quarrelling over the succession of the Emperor. In choosing Saturninus, who take his daughter Lavinia as queen, Titus sparks off a chain of revenge which includes Tamora, queen of the Goths, and her sons and lover. At the grand hunt Bassanius is killed, Lavinia raped and her hands cut off, and the blame laid on two of Titus’ sons.

Before long there are revenge killings and the guilt of Tamora’s sons uncovered. When Titus finds out, he has them baked in a pie, which is then served at a banquet for Saturninus, at which a whopping four people are killed. Then an army of Goths led by

Titus’ son Lucius invades Rome, and the play ends, with all its leading characters dead.

Titus Andronicus is not a perfect play: it is nasty, brutish and short. But we can see it as a preparation for Shakespeare’s later works, with plotlines and characterisations cropping up in Hamlet and Othello. There is feigned madness, characters assuming the roles of allegorical figures, and the character of Aaron, the Moorish servant who frames Quintus and Maritus, is a prototype of Iago. The dialogue itself does not match the brilliance of Shakespeare’s mature work, and there is a definite ‘staginess’ to the play. Several scenes, especially the earlier ones, seem little more than extended speeches and monologues – although defenders of the play claim that this is appropriate for the austere formalities of the Roman Empire.

However, when the action of the play gets going, Shakespeare’s flair for capturing both formality and emotion shines through, not only in dialogue but also in action. There are throat-cuttings, stabbings, severed heads in abundance, and Titus cuts off his own hand as a token of loyalty to Satruninus. Despite all the tragedy we can sense that Shakespeare is playing to the crowd, exploiting the violence to feed its love of the blackest low comedy. Face it: any play where two people are made into a pie and then served to their own mother (she doesn’t eat much, mind) has got to be better than The Naked Chef. Obviously, it would be better to see a production of Titus Andronicus than read it, but if you’ve an hour to spare when you’re feeling bloodthirsty, then it makes an excellent substitute for cleaning the scum off the streets.

Tom Horse

Ahhh, Christmas! Don’t you just love it? Here at Gair Rhydd, we live the Yuletide dream twenty-four seven, filling our rosy-cheeked faces with mince pies and mulled wine, singing carols around the tree and having drunken fights with our nearest and dearest. And as next week is the last issue before the Christmas holidays, we want you, yes YOU to join us, especially in Books, whom everyone describes, completely without irony, as the jolliest, heartiest sub-ed in the land. Thus, we’d like some contributions for a special Christmassy Books, abounding with fun and frolics. What’s the best book you’ve read this year? Which books remind you of Christmas, and which ones did you receive instead of the expensive toys you really wanted? Or are you willing to defend the season of goodwill against the vicious assault of Gair Rhydd’s very own Herod? Whatever your ideas, you are cordially invited to fall in with the literary bloodbath that is Books’ Christmas page. Visit the office, or email your ideas to gair_rhydd@hotmail.com.

Al-solutely Fabulous Take Me to the River Al Green As told to Davin Seay (Mojo/ Canongate) SEEK YE first the kingdom of God and all other things will be given unto you.” Al Green, the first great soul singer, sex icon of the 70’s, one of the most successful soul artists ever now turned reverend. He had it all, from chart-topping hits such as Let’s Stay Together, Call Me and so on, to endorsing beauty products, but something was missing in his life. Born on the 13th of April 1946 in the US state of Arkansas, this son of a preacher man started out singing with the Green Brothers, a fraternal gospel quartet. He was also a member of the Creativity and Soul Mates in the sixties. It was not until the seventies that he hit the mainstream after meeting with producer Willie Mitchell.

Mitchell noticed his talents and signed him up. They both became one of the premier teams in pop music history.

Green introduces himself as a trinity, describing his three distinct personalities. This man seems to have an identity crisis: the Al Green on stage bears no resemblance to the Al Green in the pulpit. The Al Green who sings You Ought to be with Me wants nothing to do with the one who sings Jesus is Waiting. The Al Green standing in the wings has got nothing in common with the Al Green kneeling in his prayer closet. Most amazing is the fact that they can’t even stand living in the same skin.

It was not until tragedy struck one night in 1974 that he had his wake-up call from his increasingly debauched lifestyle. Whilst brushing his teeth in the bathroom his girlfriend Mary Woodson pours a steaming pan of boiling water down his back, then goes into the next room and shoots herself dead. This event has personally shattered him to this day – like he says, rumours still speculate that he killed her or his bodyguards did – and he became a minister to protect himself.

After battling with this crisis and the death of his beloved father he soon realised that you can only serve one master. He finally decided to turn his back on fame and fortune to pick up his cross. He parted with Mitchell and went on to set up his own American Music Studios and take Bible lessons. Following a religious encounter whilst on tour in 1979 (in which he fell off a Cincinnati stage) his calling could not have been mistaken.

Today he is a very happy man. Ministering the word of God to the Full Gospel Tabernacle of Memphis, Tennessee (a church he bought himself) and singing gospel music which has earned him Grammy awards, he has achieved more than an ordinary soul singer. Nike Ogunjumelo

GRiP

04 This week’s bestselling books...

1: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire J. K. Rowling 2: Billy P. Stephenson 3: Robbie Williams R. Williams 4: London P. Ackroyd 5: Truth Terry Pratchett 6: Blue Planet Stickerbook B.B.C. 7: Learning to Fly V. Beckham 8: Allan Bateman A. Bateman 9: Tiger Bay and the Docks D. O’Neill 10: Blind Assassin M. Atwood

...According to Blackwell’s Cardiff

Festival Roundup

filminternationalfilmfestivalwales The mounds of rubbish, depleted coke supplies and exhausted ladies of the night are all that is left to remind Cardiff that the international film community have hit our city. Gair Rhydd Film Desk was representing the humble Cardiff student community at many of the films, and in this two part special we bring you reviews of what went on in the name of film. Without further ado, we bring you the 13th International Film Festival Wales . . .

ALONE

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Director: Phillip Claydon

irst time director Phillip Claydon, at the cinema in person, introduced this picture with the words "I wanted to put a film up there on the big screen that will scare you to death." Well I didn’t die, but I nearly fell of my seat at a few points!

He also referred to the intensive sound properties of this film and highlighted the fact that the cuts in picture and irregular shots were intentional. This I found a little contrived. He didn’t seem totally comfortable with

allowing people to make their own judgments of the film, choosing instead to remove the challenge of working out whether or not this guy is a genius, or if he’s a total loon employing formulas solely for the purpose of getting recognised.

This is totally understandable I suppose. Just imagine you make your first film and you decide to tackle one of the most saturated cinema markets there is – the horror/thriller. You are permitted to be a bit apprehensive given the hideous failure of such recent films as Jeepers Creepers.

The film begins with a series of random phrases punched out on the screen accompanied by a thundering score. It then wastes no time getting straight to the action, any casualty fans out there had better not blink in the first few minutes or they may miss the small yet terrifying role played by Claire Goose. The movie traces the life of traumatised Alex, whose parents have died leaving behind a perpetual world of nightmares. Alex has a bizarre outlook on relationships, which doesn’t seem to be helped by the weekly visits to the chain-smoking caseworker, a fact that horrifies Alex on account of a germ-phobia. Soon Alex’s ‘girlfriends’ begin having fatal accidents leading to the involvement of hard-bitten inspector Hannah, alongside his rookie female detective.

This film bears an uncanny resemblance to the Prodigy video Smack my Bitch up; we observe all of the protagonist scenes through unseen eyes. And although this is an often dis-orientating way of doing it, it’s undeniably instrumental to the atmospherics of the film.

The decibel levels in the cinema were frighteningly powerful at times, you couldn’t be quite sure if it was the blaring soundtrack or simply the walls caving in around you.

This movie was shot within a five-mile radius of the cinema, and if you look closely you will recognise spots from all around the city such as the theatrical interiors of The Prince of Wales pub and also certain shopping arcades. But as interesting and innovative this film may be, it can be tedious in parts with many of the plot points taking very similar, predictable formats. However, if you can remain focused throughout, you may actually get what’s going on. Saying that I really have no idea what the point to most of the film was, so perhaps you might as well just sit back, relax as best you can and ride the cinematic roller coaster that is Alone. Beth Kenure

FATIGUE

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Director: Michael Barnes

nspired by such no-budget success stories as Bad Taste, Eraserhead and El Mariachi, Fatigue is a firstfeature film put together almost entirely by three guys.

Unemployed and blagging most of the equipment and

people’s time for free, the film cost around £16,000 to make and was shot mostly in Cardiff.

Mitchell (Mark Faiers) is a man who’s reached the end of his rope. With nothing to lose he takes up ‘jobs’, delivering packages for local hard man Eddie Heaver, (Chris Dawson).

It all seems to be going well until Eddie deceives Mitchell and double crosses underworld figurehead Mr. Wernside, all over a bag of diamonds. Mitchell ends up trying to rescue his ex-girlfriend who knows where the bag of diamonds is.

Mitchell is an alcoholic gathering moss in his tip of a house, strobe lights help him relax, and he eats from a half-open tin of cold rice pudding with a fork. We see how desperate he is but we don’t find out why or how he got that way. The motivations of the characters aren’t made clear and the acting isn’t great, but if you like violence and style, there’s a lot of it here.

There is a bit too much unnecessary bloody violence, it always feels like Eastenders characters carrying out Tarantino violence, but the art photography is probably the best point of the film. There are scenes that you might not forget for a long time, such as the dream where

05 multicultural aspect of the film veers between Spanish pop, French hiphop and elevator Eurotrash. The look of the film is photographic, with snapshot hilarious scenes (Gerard bathing in a champagne glass is worth the ticket price alone!) and has the same magical feel as this year’s Amelie.

This is not your stereotypical road movie. This is not a disposable, laugh-a-minute comedy. What it is, is a fascinating blend of the thoughtful and romantic with the ridiculousness of everyday situations, in order to create a film which is poignant and sensual, humourous and honest. Don’t get me wrong, it won’t change your life. But it might make you leave the cinema pondering your destiny. Emma Osborne

BELPHEGOR: PHANTOM OF THE LOUVRE

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Director: Jean-Claude Salome

nly very rarely is a film this incredible. The script, the acting, the special effects, all absolutely incredible. Oh no, wait a moment, typing error. That first ‘i’ in incredible should actually be a ‘u’.

The story is convoluted yet at the same time worryingly lightweight, with all the threads of the plot either too neatly and easily wrapped up or completely ignored in the anti-climatic last five minutes.

Hinging upon Belphegor, the unquiet spirit of a member of the Egyptian Royal family denied a true burial, and his power to drive all those who look him in the eyes mad, the aim of the unremarkable characters is to complete the burial, thus laying the ghost to rest. However, since it is never actually explained why he failed to receive the burial in the first place and his practice of possessing the bodies of hapless mortals (in this case, Sophie Marceau, who must have been severely down on her luck following the The World is Not Enough to accept the role voluntarily) means that the film fails to provide any even remotely decent villain.

The closest it gets is with Belphagor in his human guise gliding around the Louvre as if on wheels looking very much like a heavy-metal loving

Mitchell is spinning a bottle and every time it points to a razor blade he has to swallow it.

The film is obviously very British and gritty but at the same time you can definitely see an influence from the likes of films such as The Matrix, Reservoir Dog and Memento.

They’ve modelled their ideas a little too much on other people’s ideas but at the moment, Fatigue is a refreshing alternative to the current crop of British films. Pauline Cheung

JUMP TOMORROW

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Director: Joel Hopkins

aving never been to a film festival before and not expecting to be overly impressed, I went to this film with a certain amount of scepticism.

I’m glad to say I was pleasantly surprised.

Around every corner in Jump Tomorrow, was something unexpected and the humour was just my cup of tea – dry, witty and observational.

A smile is what everyone expects of the quiet hero of the film, George. He is dreading his fiancée’s arrival from Nigeria and is desperately searching for something to make his life more exciting as the deadline of his wedding approaches.

In a matter of minutes, he meets Alicia and Gerard.

Alicia, a beautiful Spanish girl, invites him to a party, and moments later a mad, sobbing Frenchman (Gerard) hugs him in an airport toilet. Both serve to alter and swerve his destiny in amusing and unpredictable ways. These three main characters are thoughtfully portrayed and the blend of languages and accents is like a breath of fresh air in the face of Hollywood.

Language and love intertwine and the result is a peculiar mix of repressed feelings and ironic, wry humour.

Although much of the action is comedic, the quieter moments resonate with a sombre undercurrent.

The cinematography swings between fifties retro and 70’s naff, echoed in the soundtrack which, reflecting the

dressmaker’s dummy swathed all in black crepe, complete with plastic Halloween mask.

As far as the obligatory romance goes, in this case between the possessed and her bargain-basement standard electrician, the incidental brief flirtation which occurs between the elderly detective investigating the murderous goings-on in the museum and the scientist working on the mummy creates more heat, what with them literally practicing coitus interruptus in the attics above the Louvre, until the ghostly activity in the museum below puts paid to it.

It seems unfair really that the elderly detective gets all the action, since he gets all the best lines as well. If only Egypt could have remain antiquated. Jane Eyre

SILENT GRACE

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Director: Maeve Murphy

here was a real air of tension as this "thought provoking, emotional drama" tensely began rolling, however this atmosphere evaporated within a very short space of time as the privileged previewers had their first taste of turkey this season.

Briefly, this film follows the story of Anya, a naive teenager, who is sent to prison for joyriding, where for some unknown reason she is placed with three fanatical IRA prisoners, who at first she distrusts and then "forms a strong emotional bond" with. In particular the film follows her relationship with Eileen, the ringleader, and the most fanatical of the lot.

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filminternationalfilmfestivalwales

MONSOON WEDDING

accompanying agendas. We meet the soon-to-be bride who boldly carries on her affair with a married man right up until her engagement to a business man from Houston.

We learn that the oldest friend of her father abused her cousin (played by the effortlessly expressive Shefali Shetty) as a child, and we watch the comic unfolding of a tentative love between the inept wedding organiser and the maid of the house.

Nair’s interest lies in the strength of familial bonds that typify a modern Punjabi household. The result is a joyous celebration of the complexities of family life; trauma and pain co-exist alongside intense love and concern and the sort of fun that arises from the wedding scenario.

These elements are brought to life by superlative acting from the likes of Naseeruddin Shah as the respected and devoted patriarchal figure and Vijay Raaz as the eccentric but loveable wedding organiser. The feel is intimate without being claustrophobic, emotional but not cloying in its sentimentality. Shah rules the film with understated authority.

While comparisons have inevitably been drawn with the work of Robert Altman, the over-riding feeling one gets is that this film defies comparison. It is an Indian film complete with all the nuances that can only arise from a deep understanding of what makes Punjabi families tick in modern, Western-influenced, New Delhi.

Nair provides her Indian audience with something instantly identifiable, right down to the mixture of Hindi and English (Hinglish!) her characters speak. The rest of her viewers can just soak up this wonderfully vibrant and exuberant film which shows that Punjabis really know how to have a good time. LaDonna Hall

Director: Mira Nair

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or anyone with even a passing interest in modern Indian culture, the work of Mira Nair is a revelation.

She delves into those aspects of her native country others dare not tackle, providing the viewer with provocative material presented with panache and understated wit.

Her latest offering, Monsoon Wedding, comes hot on the heels of two other Indian offerings to cinema, Lagaan and Ashoka, but deliberately strays from the conventional Bollywood set-up and instead seems to develop entirely on her own terms. The subject matter alone bears testament to Nair’s passion for realism and her desire to see the stories of her people told by those who know them best.

Focusing on the wedding preparations and festivities for the only daughter of Lalit and Pimmi Verma, a firmly middle-class couple based in New Delhi, the story develops to encompass a myriad of relatives and their

SEXO POR COMPASION

(COMPASSIONATE SEX) Director: Laura Mana

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ompassionate Sex can only be described as a disappointment. Sadly, what began as an interesting portrayal of rural Mexico, simply ended up as a farce. It is the story of how a town can be revitalised through sex. If this strikes you as odd, then that’s what you can expect from this bizarre video.

The film begins with Dolores, a middle-aged woman who dedicates all her time to helping others. Her husband, Manolo, abandons her precisely because she’s too much of a do-gooder.

She then attempts to sin in order to win him back. She

Part One

When Anya arrives, Eileen and cohorts have embarked on a ‘Dirty campaign,’ which involves taking their own faeces out of the prison pan and daubing it all over the walls of their own cells in order to create a quite literal shithole, presumably to upset the prison guards who have to come in and put up with the foul smell and general bad hygiene.

As the movie slowly trundles along Anya is eventually persuaded by her cellmates that rubbing shit on the wall is quite a good idea and the crux of the film occurs about half way through when she herself has a go at redecorating the cell.

At this touching juncture Eileen informs Anya "To do it with dignity," to which Anya responds magnificently by smearing on a nice big handful.

After this scene the film winds down, and nothing else much happens apart from Eileen going on hunger strike for a bit, and general prison bonding, with the tough Governor finally feeling sympathy and turning out to be a good guy. Yawn Yawn.

I found this film intensely boring with nothing really happening from start to end. The only real satisfaction I derived was from discovering my delightful packet of Maltesers contained 28 exactly, as well as craftily glancing to see if any other patrons were enjoying the shit on the wall scene a bit more than they should. On the surface none did, but there was one guy with a fairly large anorak at the back. David Wright

06

does this by sleeping with another man, but instead of sinning she ends up saving his marriage. Word of her ‘generosity’ spreads until she ends up sleeping with all the men in the town.

The description so far, would suggest that the film is in fact a comedy, but that is not the case. We are supposed to feel empathy for the ‘saintly’ Dolores, continuously and selflessly giving herself to the men, in order to cleanse their souls. Unfortunately, the film fails to adopt the right tone, and the style and sophistication it aims for culminates in nothing but a stream of idiocy.

However, Compassionate Sex is not completely undeserving of praise as it has some promising moments.

It contains a quirkiness common to many foreign films, with cows that need babysitting and priests that reproach you for not sinning. Without a doubt, Leocardia is the best thing about this film. She is the aged invalid with a strange obsession for photography. She takes a daily picture of herself to keep a record of her dazzling beauty, but in reality she is a wrinkly, monkey-faced woman with crimped bleached hair. Leocardia offers a welcome relief amongst the idiocy going on around her.

The film is beautifully shot and perfectly captures the stark beauty of the Mexican countryside. The use of close–ups conveys the passion and intensity of the people, and is accentuated by an evocative musical score. The use of black and white adds to the atmospheric quality of the film, and is representative of the dilapidated town. This contrasts with the burst of colour at the end of the film, when the town is reborn with a new optimism, at the prospective birth of Dolores’s baby.

Yet, nothing can detract from the appaling nature of the plot. Dolores repeatedly whores her body to the men of the entire town. Then, when her husband returns, he joins her by sleeping with all the women. Arm in arm, they provide their services, showing their immeasurably ‘compassionate’ natures. The whole community finds salvation in sex. What make this situation even more ridiculous is that Dolores is a devout Catholic.

Humourous as it can be, Compassionate Sex fails to hold the attention, and, as it continues, we are waiting for the credits to appear. In the end it becomes an agonising experience and not one to be repeated.

Gemma Field and Ben Hammond

Thanks to everyone at the International Film Festival Wales, Chapter Arts Centre and UGC Cardiff for tickets, interviews and general niceness throughout the festival.

Congratulations on making the 13th IFFW a true success. Jonathan Steven

Shrek

Gair Rhydd Film Aw a r d s 2 0 0 1 Have your say! Gair Rhydd Film Desk will be bringing you the hottest films from 2001. We’ll remind you what made you cry, what made you laugh, what scared you, and what you hated. E-mail us on grfilmdesk@hotmail.com to have your say on anything film related from the last year.

filmreviews/competition/profile

07

Silence is golden Director Profile: Mr Kevin Smith

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evin Smith has to be the hero of students everywhere. Renowned for his contribution to the ‘slacker’ genre, what student wouldn’t relate to characters such as TS and Brodie from Mallrats, or indeed love to get paid to make a film about basically doing nothing?

The New Jersey native certainly knows how to keep busy on set. His first feature Clerks was not only his directorial debut, he also wrote, produced and edited it. Not forgetting of course that he starred as the eponymous ‘Silent Bob’, a cult screen hero of the nineties, and still today.

Clerks was a surprise critical and commercial success, it won the Filmmakers Trophy Award at the Sundance Film Festival, and the International Critics Week Award at Cannes, both in 1994.

In Clerks he establishes his obsession with Star Wars, John Hughes and Steven Spielberg movies and ice hockey.

Another of his obsessions are comic books, which is clearly illustrated in Mallrats.

Made in 1994 it was a sequel to Clerks, but was not nearly as successful with audiences or critics. Whereas Clerks was based in a convenience store, Mallrats sees the characters spending their time in the local mall, not shopping, but just hanging out much to the annoyance of Ben Affleck’s character Hamilton.

Many funny discussions between TS and Brodie (Jeremy London and Jason Lee) ensue, particularly on the classification of the food court, the danger of escalators and especially their obsession with Superman’s reproductive organs (you’ll know what I mean if you’ve seen it). The film even has a cameo from Stan Lee, creator of Spiderman, giving Brodie advice on his love life.

The final film in the trilogy is Chasing Amy (1996), with Smith again claiming multiple credits, including starring as Silent Bob. The film won him an Independent Spirit Award for Best Screenplay.

Starring regulars Jason Lee and Ben Affleck as comic book artists whose lives are disrupted by fellow artist and lesbian Joey Lauren Adams.

His next big film, Dogma, released in 1999 was religiously controversial but loved by many Catholics, the religion it mercilessly mocks. Yet Smith himself was brought up in a Catholic household.

Dogma was written in the early nineties, but Smith felt that only a large-scale budget would do it justice, so postponed it until later in his career.

As well as bringing his own creations and characters to life, Kevin Smith has been involved in various other projects.

In 1997 he was executive co-producer on Good Will Hunting, starring Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. He had a cameo role in Scream 3, appearing with Jason Mewes as Jay and Silent Bob. He has his own production company View Askew, which he runs with Scott Mosier, co-producer on many of his projects.

Also, Smith was hired to script the illfated Superman Lives, but the project never got off the ground. As well as films Smith has directed numerous music videos and oddly directed two Diet Coke adverts in 1997!

He has just undertaken the positions of director and writer for Fletch Won, set for release in 2003, and starring Jason Lee in the role of Fletch, originally played

by Chevy Chase.

And now he has decided to put some flesh on his cult characters, Jay and Silent Bob. In a get-to-know-them kind of movie, which relies on in jokes from the previous films, you can find out why and how the characters have meant such a lot to Kevin Smith. He loves them as if they were his own. Cathryn Williams

JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK Starring: Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes, Shannon Elizabeth, Jason Biggs

Jay

Dir: Kevin Smith 12, 103 mins ay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Said to be the last film in the View Askew universe, Kevin Smith's cult heroes

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and Silent Bob are back, in what can only be described as another piece of comic genius. The film follows rejects Jay (Jason Mewes) and Bob (Kevin Smith) as they try and stop the evil Miramax from making a film based on their alter-egos Bluntman and Chronic, and in doing so stop insults being posted about them on the internet.

After an injunction bans them from the convenience store, they make a bid to hitchhike to Hollywood. As always, fate gets them into a series of dilemmas and their paths cross with a hoard of peculiar characters, such as a fellow hitchhiker who gives oral sex for rides and Justice (Shannon Elizabeth), a double crossing diamond thief and her friends. We also meet Missy, Sissy and Chrissy, who use Jay's love for Justice to make him and Bob decoys for their crime, which involves them meeting an ass-kicking orangutan called Suzanne.

All the main characters from Smith's previous View Askew work make a joyful return. Especially welcomed are the cameos from 'newbies' Mark Hamill (Star Wars),as arch-enemy 'cockknocker'. Also James Van Der Beek (Dawson's Creek) and Jason Biggs (American Pie) playing Bluntman and Chronic.

Although not necessary, having seen the four previous Kevin Smith films (Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy and Dogma) does help, as the film is full of jokes referring to his other works.

For example, we see Brodie (Jason Lee) now has his own comic book store and Dante (Brian O'Halloran) is still declaring: "I shouldn't even be here today!"

The main difference between Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and the other Smith films is that the wit is a lot more tongue-in-cheek. Smith effectively uses self-mockery of both the film and the actors to add to the humour.

Filled with fast pace comedy, classic one-liners and that infamous Smith Jargon Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is one of this years must see movies.

Gemma Jones

C O N TA C T U S T O D AY If you have a view on a film that isn’t being covered in the Gair Rhydd Film pages then get in touch and write a review or feature yourself. Pop into the office and ask for Jonathan Steven or email us on grfilmdesk@hotmail.com.

GAIR RHYDD SOCIAL ove l l l We a

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Tonight (if you are reading this on Monday) you have an exclusive chance to see the classic 90’s flick, The Matrix on the big screen again. Gair Rhydd Film Desk and UGC Cinema Cardiff bring you this unique opportunity for free. If you have ever contributed to Gair Rhydd in any section, come along at 7.00pm, have a couple of beers, sit back and watch The Matrix. Just seek out Jonathan Steven and buy him a beer or two.

FREE CINEMA TICKETS We have the usual five pairs of cinema tickets to give away thanks to the people at the UGC cinema in Cardiff. Simply answer the question below and e-mail your name and the correct answer to: grfilmdesk@hotmail.com with ‘Film Competition 707’ in the subject line.

How much does a student ticket at UGC cost? (a) £2.99 (b) £34.78 (c) £176.08 GR706 Answer: (a) None GR706 Winners: Hannah Perry, Claire Kelly, Sophie Flood, Mike Power and Chris Sheehy. Please collect your tickets from the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the union. And if you won in GR701 or GR702 then collect your tickets this week or we’ll have them!

Weekly Film Competition

gairrhydd in association with

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musiclive

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He’s electric...

THE GUESTLIST spilled out onto multiple pages for The Electric Soft Parade’s thoroughly hyped gig at Barfly, filled with media moguls and the odd famous name. The word seems to have spread to the indie kids; a decent crowd had already arrived when support group Kid Galahad opened their big box of musical treats.

Shabby bill-fillers KG are not. They’re all about melodic rock ‘n roll with a touch of cheeky sophistication. Frontman Ash thrives as the centre of attention, immersing himself in the tuneful, slightly psychedelic friendly guitar pop. Tunes such as new EP track Runaway Train show us just how a real pop record should sound. They’ll be headlining soon, no doubt.

‘The Parade’ couldn’t wish for a better opening act, in fact they’d better be damn good themselves. Anything resembling a mediocre performance and they would be upstaged in a very big way. Thankfully they justify the hype surrounding this evening’s event to the full.

Tight and professional, ESP dish out fast-paced superior indie-rock throughout their entire set. Their choruses are stronger than Smirnoff through a straw. Most are memorable which is rare for a first listen.

Oasis and fellow 90’s Britpoppers seem to be a major influence, and songs buzz with the genuine energy and thrust of this era.

Recent single There’s A Silence is a perfect example of how to capture a singalong-tastic moment of guitar fun. In fact forget

SILVER GINGER 5 Clwb Ifor Bach

THE ROCK OF TRAVOLTA / HALLIDAY Barfly OXFORD HAS been boasting one of the best underground music scenes in the country for several years now. Yet it has only been in the last 12 months that any sniff of popularity beyond the outskirts of the university city has become apparent. The enormous success of the the third annual Truck Festival (think Glastonbury for people who wouldn’t go near a didgeridoo), and the rise in popularity and profile of Goldrush, Meanwhile Back in Communist Russia..., and Southampton-based Black Neilson has seen the city mark itself firmly on the country’s musical map, and the band marked as the frontrunners of this new Oxford scene, are The Rock of Travolta.

Having spent the summer making 20,000 Radiohead fans go “bleh?” at their South Park gig, and then making instrumental post-rock epics a genuine party anthem during their triumphant headline slot at Truck 2001, The Rock of Travolta are now poised to worm their way through the industry throughout the winter, prior to release of their debut album proper.

Tonight’s proceedings begin with a band called Halliday. Sadly this is no revitalised career move from ex Curve singer, Toni

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Halliday, but more some band who mix Tori Amos-go-lite and PJ Harvey-go-boring.

Rumours fly around that the lead singer once won Stars In Their Eyes pretending to be Kate Bush. Which is about the only interesting thing I have left to say about this band.

The Rock Of Travolta play seven songs, all dress in black and have sensible hair. They trade instruments like Pokemons, leaving you confused as to what each member actually plays. And most importantly, despite making beautiful and loud instrumental songs, they don’t sound like Mogwai. In fact, opening song tonight Thank God For Gizmo was titled as a direct response to lazy journalists who make this basic error (the joke being that Gizmo was the name of the Mogwai in the film ‘Gremlins’).

Instead of sounding like Mogwai, the piledriving instrumental exploding from the six members on stage sound like a cross between a less articulated Billy Mahonie and the rock and roll scuzz of Love As Laughter or Les Savy Fav. At times, such as when all six members including cello player, Ros stand punching their fists in the air to a solitary bass drum, it’s like Godspeed! on acid. It’s like Add N To (X) without the fear that they want to have sex with your television. It’s post-rock you can throw rock shapes to. Which can only be a very, very

GILLES PETERSON / PESHAY Clwb Ifor Bach ELECTRIC SOFT PARADE: rocking ‘da’ house

good thing.

The main problem tonight is the setting.

Whereas the Barfly is fine for the introverted performances of singer-songwriters and teaand-cakes indie-rock, a stage of this size and structure is not suited for bands with members numbering six, and this only makes their sound more cluttered and disorderly.

And for such an undersold gig, something more than a blonde girl doing fly-kicks to tonight’s highlight, recent single, I Love It When a Plan Comes Together, should have happened. It seems that whereas The Rock Of Travolta have the musical capabilities to squash the heads of their opponents, they’re going to have to practise or alter their technique and style to win over the general public. Which is a shame. John Widdop

THE BIG PIE Great Hall “DO YOU want a piece of the pie?” the Live Music Society asked. Well, I’m never one to turn down free food so off I went with an empty stomach. There wasn’t any pie. Instead, I got to see five of the best bands that Cardiff University has to offer.

The evening started with Kennedy Sunday,

AS USUAL, the queue outside was massive.

Some had to tackle the biting cold for two hours before they got in, others got cold for nothing. Anyway, those who stuck it out weren’t disappointed as the Welsh Club again produced another night of quality three floor action, showing how the decision to merge Radius, Silent Running, and Hustler Showcase together to form Precinct has been a smart move.

High Contrast and the other Silent Running jocks were burning out the speaker cones downstairs to keep the drum‘n’bass-heads happy before the arrival of guest spinner Peshay. A familiar face down at Ifor Bach, Peshay kept the small but vibrant dancefloor busy throughout his set with MC Moose on lyrical duties. When Moose called for a rewind halfway through the set, the crowd roared and the DJ duly responded – nice.

However, most of us had come along to see Talkin’ Loud head honcho Gilles Peterson, who turned the upstairs floor into a carnival with a three hour set (and he was only booked to play two) incorporating tunes of all shapes and sizes. Any DJ who can get a crowd dancing to different genres of music in one set is worth their crust, especially when you can get the oh-so-trendy clientele down at the Welsh Club dancing to Destiny’s Child and UK Garage.

Watching the crowd sing along to Zed Bias’ Sounds Of The Pirate Underground was one of the highlights of the evening. UK Garage?

Highlight? What did that Mr Peterson do to me? Pat McCaren

CLEARLAKE Barfly

A suitably confused crowd then for Clearlake. Appearing relaxed on stage they proceed to stun the audience into submission with opener Let Go and the THE CHILL of late November is heavy in ethereal Sunday, the latter conjuring up the air, even down here in Cardiff’s images of singer Jason Pegg alone in his busiest cellar. People are still in their cold marble flat looking out onto a coats, nursing pints they’d much rather washed-out high street. You may find that were steaming mugs of tea. Noses are overwrought but that’s the point of still red and the gig vibe is most definitely Clearlake. They transform emotions that chilling out at home under a blanket. you barely dare to acknowledge into Onto this unwelcoming scene then unifying sentiments. This never more come the 45s, dressed in the latest togs evident tonight than with a performance for indie bands down London way and of We All Die Alone; all frantic plucking wearing some of the biggest shit-eating grins this side of Marti Pellow. They know and bizarre chord changes with a frighteningly intense vocal.

Clearlake transform It’s not all po-faced emotions that you barely shenanigans though; dare to acknowledge into Clearlake highlight the evening with two unifying sentiments. separate sessions of bubble machineinduced beauty and Jason’s strikingly something we don’t, that they posses contrasting friendly comic banter. three of the finest 60 Ft Dolls-huggingForced to leave the stage early due to The-Supernaturals-on-Suede’s-patio bad scheduling and time licence songs in the known universe. They play constraints they are cajoled back on for a two straight off and for a while your rapturously received encore of Jumble friendly hack here was just south of Sailing and leave with 99% of the crowd heaven, unfortunately they then ruin it by on their side. Surely next time they’ll be trudging through twenty minutes of jaunty filling venues twice this size. tunes by numbers before ending on the Andy Bevan third. Still, they looked great on stage.

PIC: Robin Jackson

THE IDEA of stadium-rock on a small stage is a strange concept and one that could very easily fall flat on its face. It’s a testament to Ginger’s skill, therefore, that he manages to pull it off without the usual advantages of having a stadium rock status. Despite the songs being virtually unknown, the atmosphere is both intimate and amazing.

Ginger has learnt many tricks from his days in The Wildhearts and tonight he wants to show them all off. Highlights include showering the audience in silvery paper, dedicating a song to “the vagina” and, best of all, setting his guitar alight mid-set, beating the flames out on the stage-floor and throwing the smouldering wreck into the audience to be torn apart like a fox at a royal wedding.

Tonight, however, it’s Uncle-Fester-alike ‘Random’ Bob who steals the show. Decked in a tartan, Union Jack-embroidered waistcoat, he feeds the audience with used guitar-plectrums and constant attempts are made to touch his bald, eyebrow-less head.

The set lasts for the best of two hours and, by this time, fatigue begins to set in. What an eight-song encore is expected to achieve, I’m not entirely sure and the audience begin looking anxious to go home. This having been said, the gig remains a brilliant example of how 80’s rock still has the power to both titillate and amaze. Dave Gibson

singalong, these tunes make you want to wave your hands and jump around (House of Pain stylee) while screaming along ridiculously. ESP show us that there’s more to them than a generous slice of Britpop magic though, as they end their set with a lengthy space-out that would make SFA proud (come on, it’s gair rhydd, I had to mention them once) and leaves the ears ringing with delight.

Without a dud song all night, The Electric Soft Parade rocked the house. Kid Galahad rocked the house.

Consider the house thoroughly fucking rocked. Jamie Fullerton

PIC: Robin Jackson

THE ELECTRIC SOFT PARADE / KID GALAHAD Barfly

a slow indie-rock act who had songs filled with great emotion but didn’t really set the stage alight, in fact it was in pitch darkness.

Next up was the melodic folk sound of One Brown One Blue. Featuring a female vocalist they produced a series of dirge-like songs that never seemed to end.

Bombshell on the other hand exploded onto the stage to play good old punk rock form the Green Day and Blink 182 school. Although not very original it was a welcome break in the bill.

Next were Benway and there is only one thing I have to say: hmmm…

The last and best band of the evening were Starshaped Creatures. They played a form of art-grunge that was heavy and powerful. They were very energetic with a guitarist that never stopped moving.

The best bands in Cardiff? Well, not at the moment but some are on their way there. It’s a shame that there wasn’t any pie, it would have been a good distraction from Benway.

Anthony Lloyd

CLEARLAKE: indie totty

03.12.01

musiclive

SIMIAN / THE TOES / ANDY VOTEL Solus

Icarus figures hang precariously over the dancefloor, whilst slides of quasipornographic Rankin nudes alternate with humourously twisted images of artists unfortunately not present: Goldie AS BEFITS a Dazed & Confused tour, grinning manically, Tori Amos wearing the aesthetics are perfect. Two bronze fangs, Mad Richard Ashcroft topless, Macy Gray looking oddly normal. It’s a setting which promises much; a pity, then, that – somewhat like a substandard brothel – very little is delivered.

Sometime novelty Lamacq favourites The Toes, for example: although they intermittently impress with some rather fantastic guitar riffing, no amount of wordless screaming from their vocalist can prevent an inevitable descent into spectacularly mediocre sportsmetal. Depressingly, it appears that the first Andrew WK tribute SIMIAN: and man eating record band have come out

WHITE STRIPES Bristol Anson Rooms FRONT COVERS of the British tabloids, discussion of marital links versus incestuous relations, and an obsession with dressing wholly in red and white, are just a few of the factors that have contributed to the super hype surrounding The White Stripes.

Having been handed over the torch of America’s most ‘trendy’ export from skinny-tied and ribbed boys The Strokes; any concerns of publicity overkill are dismissed. Cynicism aside, tonight the two-piece prove their sound remarkably plentiful despite their numbering.

First though the Von Bondies attempt to ignore the somewhat impatient heckling punters. They deliver more than adequately, a stoner backdrop, Hendrix without the solos. Music with Jim Morrison-esque vocals along with the expected shaggy haircuts and vixen bassists.

Little crowd banter but rather more full on head-fucking rock and roll comes afterwards, when Jack White squares up to the microphone. The basic manner and freedom of having only his guitar, (and keyboard he plays intermittently), and, ahem, ‘limited’ drum accompaniment, allows for his vocals to peruse but conquer the set.

PICS: Rob Jackson

We should be kings..

of their caves.

Simian have a far more ambitious agenda. They want to twist your brain into new and beautiful shapes with their brand of arty prog-rock; they want you to do mental double-takes with every chord change; they want to be strange, clever, and impossible to pigeonhole.

Sadly, they fail on all counts.

Remorselessly derivative and peculiarly passionless, their interminable stoner rock dribbles limply on for what seems like months, all tedious posturing and deliberately-out-of-tune droning.

Occasionally, they treat us to the tried and trusted feedback-and-falsetto method of creating visceral impact – and in their hands, it is as mechanical and underwhelming as that. “Chemistry is what we are,” is their soundbite. It’s not the chemistry of fascinating explosions and dazzling colours, though, but the chemistry of the classroom: mathematical formulae and tables of endless elements.

Simian are utterly bereft of soul, of emotion, of any understanding – despite their pretensions to artiness – of what music can be. At times, horrifyingly, they are a particularly dreary take on Pink Floyd. And yes, they fit perfectly into a certain pigeonhole. Wank.

Alex Macpherson

The fact of the matter is that this band are not so much original, but rather more superbly inventive with what they nick and how they piece it together. Thus the superb Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground has an exaggerated dirty sex-fuelled drudge of power. Then the catchy pop’n’hillbilly roll of Hotel Yorba, could be another band if the throaty, stagger of the voice didn’t drop them in it.

The set swings from the fantastic riffs and squalling of Fell In Love With A Girl, with its intense swaggering draw, to a remarkably suited cover of Dolly Parton classic Jolene. Delivery is all, and in The Same Boy You’ve Always Known, this acknowledgment means its subtle calm lacks no intensity, and the thrashing, frantic bang at the opening of I Think I Smell A Rat, sees all out growling. It is obvious that diversity and decent tunes, yes tunes, lie at the heart of the bands simple appeal.

The White Stripes lend themselves to all the good old cliches...less is more, three’s a crowd, etc, etc. So lets not bother.

The razmatazz is only part of the plan. They are good. Leave it at that. Gemma Curtis

DAVE CLARKE Emporium

GENE Clwb Ifor Bach ON GENE’S last visit to our fair city, their set was cut woefully short due to the awful spectacle of Martin Rossiter’s larynx breaking in front of our very eyes. So here we all are again, taking time out from our busy schedules of having floppy hair, crying and reading poetry to see if this time round the despondent indie survivors can succeed in ‘giving the world the kick it requires’ rather than administering it a weak girlish slap.

As Rossiter screws up his eyes, throws his rock star poses and clutches onto the microphone stand for dear life during opener Where Are They Now?, it is obvious that Gene have lost none of their playful arrogance and swaggering bravado in the painful two year absence following 1999’s difficult third album Revelations. The frontman’s characteristic wit and obvious intelligence are also on show tonight as he joyfully banters with drunken hecklers and dedicates an exuberant performance of Walking In The Shadows to “the joys of fucking”.

The singer uses the interval provided by technical problems to graciously apologise for his previous vocal difficulties before declaring in his peculiarly non-regional accent that he is ‘still a bit snotty’. Tonight though, his voice is as distinctive and powerful as ever, perfectly showcased on new song Is It Over, a heartbreaking tale of relationship disintegration which sees the frontman mournfully declaring “I still want you”.

Despite being associated in most people’s minds with policemen falling over in an amusing fashion on Trigger Happy TV, Speak To Me Someone still throbs with melancholic beauty, while a Who-esque stomp through Fighting Fit sees Rossiter flailing around like some scary hybrid of Ian Curtis and an epileptic Hula Dancer. Even a drummer dressed puzzlingly like a member of So Solid Crew fails to detract from the shimmering loveliness of material from new album Libertine,

PICS: Si Crockford

Dazed and Amused...

09

THE MOODIEST man in dance music arrived in Cardiff and left a near capacity Emporium to walk out at four in the morning glazed in beaming smiles. Tonight, Dave Clarke put Vurt well and truly on the map with two of the most astounding hours behind the decks the Emporium has ever seen.

Matt Meehan and Paul Scheeres kicked off the evening, beckoning the crowd onto the dancefloor with an eclectic combination of cheeky riffs and bouncing beats. As the clock ticked on, the music got tougher and tougher, blowing into full-on techno by the time resident DJ and promoter Owain Kimber took to the Technics. This guy is probably Cardiff’s best kept secret, and one of the finest warmup DJs you’re likely to hear, pouring every ounce of energy into the mixer as he brought the crowd to boiling point before handing over to the night’s star attraction.

Playing in Wales for the first time, the Baron of Techno won’t be short of fans begging him to come back across the Severn sooner rather than later. This was a masterclass in mixing, pushing the sound system to the limit as he effortlessly turned techno on its head. His ability to take two records and make something completely new out of them using the EQ was mesmerising to watch, and even more staggering to dance to.

As the last tune faded out, the entire club took the time to stop and applaud what had been a majestic night. Dave Clarke and which is easily as strong as any of the band’s previous offerings.

Admittedly, Gene’s tried and tested formula of quiet verse followed by slightly discordant emotionally charged chorus can become a little tiresome after thirteen songs, and some of their best moments (London, Can You Wait, Haunted By You, Sleep Well Tonight) are strangely absent from tonight’s set, but a blistering rendition of Be My Light, Be My Guide restores confidence once more.

As Rossiter stands with his arms outstretched during We Could Be Kings and bellows “Can you love me?” at the assembled masses, the rapturous response he receives makes the answer quite clear. If this is as good as it gets, it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. Maria Thomas

musicinterviews

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Famous for making music more laid back than Jordan after a night on the piss, trip-hop twosome Lamb have recently returned to the touring circuit to critical acclaim. Gareth LLoyd goes personal, and asks the band to put their side across with regards to rumours of infighting and touring troubles, and asks if there’s still life in the old Lamb yet IT’S A cold October eve in Bristol, and laid-back dance/jazz fusion duo Lamb are preparing for the final UK date of their tour. In their own unique ways, of course. Beatmeister Andy Barlow is making the final checks to the sound system, whilst vocalist Lou Rhodes is zipping around the floor of the Anson Rooms on a kids scooter. Each to their own, I suppose?

We later learn that Rhodes has nabbed this little device from her son, and it’s a fine way of relaxing before the performance (along with the standard Lamb practices of yoga and group hugs). In fact, Rhodes has brought her two sons Reuben and Solomon along to the month long string of dates.

“The shows are a bit loud for them! Reuben

amazing – all the shows so far have been sold out, so that aspect of it has been incredible. But today, particularly, I’ve been feeling the stress of living on a tour bus. And it’s only been a week.

Touring is a real hand-to-mouth existence, I suppose – there’s always that quest for a shower and decent food. And of course it’s one thing for ourselves, but this time I’ve got to consider the health of my kids, too.”

Barlow has some rather different feelings on the subject: “I love it! Love it. It’s been a while since we last did this, but it’s so good to go out and reap the spoils. It’s a weird structural existence, doing the same thing day by day – play here, sleep there, drink that, smoke this, pass out there. It’s a different sense of being.. as if the rest on my “I feel like a caterpillar in its life is in planning for this.” cocoon while on tour, and I Rhodes: “Ah, see, for only get the chance to come me it’s the opposite.

Andy’s more into the out and be myself on the party lifestyle than I am! stage.” Lou Rhodes I feel like a caterpillar in its cocoon while on tour, always wants to come in, though, so sometimes and I only get a chance to come out and be we put a pair of headphones on them and let myself on the stage.” them watch for a while.”

The band reportedly split up due to constant This is Lamb’s first time on the road for a in-fighting before the recording of the current year, and the experience has already made its album, What Sound, due to extreme differences mark on the pair. of opinion regarding the band’s direction. So Rhodes: “The gigs themselves have been have they sorted out their differences?

After playing the Barfly as support to headliners Clearlake, Jamie Grierson caught up with the The 45’s to hear their tales of rednecks and fighting ...

T

HE STORY of how The 45s formed is one of pure rock‘n’roll. It all happened in Austin, Texas over in the USA, where Matt (now lead vocalist) was watching his brother’s band play as part of a music festival. At the time, Matt and his brother Ben (who also now plays in The 45’s lineup) both lived in London. Matt was studying composition and Ben was trying to get his band’s career started.

When they were offered the gig in Austin, times were low for Ben’s band; little interest had been shown to them. The band had a spare ticket and Matt, wanting to get out of London, jumped at the chance to join them.

Once in Austin, things weren’t

getting much better. The band had been scheduled to play a venue called The Iron Cactus, a place that looked less than friendly in appearance. Support came from a group called Pimpadelic, a band described by Matt as “Kid Rock wannabes”. Enough said.

When Ben’s band’s equipment started playing up, they turned to Pimpadelic for a favour, asking to lend theirs. Tempers fraught, Pimpadelic’s tour manager was having none of it, ending up in a fight, and punching the singer in Ben’s band, Ian, quite badly in the face. Ian had had enough and left the building.

Without a singer, Ben had to fill in the position. Unfortunately, his voice just wasn’t suited to the

Fear of Tours Rhodes: “I think we’ve come to the other side of that now. In the past, our differences were a cause for conflict, but I think we’ve come to be more supportive of each other.

We’ve got a closer relationship than ever before.”

Barlow: “A year ago, things were really bad – we’d probably have had to do this interview separately! In the studio, there’s the analogy that you click two stones together and get a spark. And that’s what we were doing.”

Rhodes: “But it was becoming destructive rather than constructive. At it’s best, our relationship is like a Ying and Yang symbol –

music and the band was just not coming together. So when the crowd of The Iron Cactus started to turn nasty, Matt with the aid of much tequila, didn’t think twice about jumping up on to the stage and taking the lead vocal. To the entire band’s surprise – it worked.

Matt sounded great and before you could say ‘I love rednecks’ they were heading back home on a plane to England, where they would form The 45s, with Matt on vocals.

After songs were written and the band started playing around London, it was a matter of weeks before they were shown interest from record companies and then confirmed a deal with Mercury Records.

The music they play sticks to old-fashioned rules but not in a dogmatic manner; it is more a sophisticated re-interpretation of what’s been done. Matt openly and unashamedly calls his band a ‘pop band’. However, he does not mean to dumb them down. His definition of pop is fundamentally based.

When ‘pop’ is referred to, it is the pop of old which is being signified.

After all, the great bands of the sixties, seventies and eighties were pop bands – The Beatles, The Police, all popular bands.

It is this sort of classification The 45’s are trying to achieve: as Matt says, they are trying to “reclaim pop” from the Britneys and Robbies of the world.

The band’s debut single Something Real was released in mid-November and an album should follow in early spring 2002.

In the meantime they will be busy touring, writing and recording.

The 45’s are still in the premature stages of a rock career.

However, they were born with a head start: they already have the spirit of rock‘n’roll, the essential element, which will propel them to success.

the two shapes are constant, always flowing... and there’s always a part of the other in each side. But when we were recording Fear Of Fours, there was this straight line between us.”

“The pressure was there with Fear Of Fours to create a commercially successful album, but the irony is that we may have done it this time round with a lot less effort. It’s always that way, I suppose – the best nights out are when you just bomb out of bed and go. And that’s how it was with What Sound. It has to be spontaneous. I think – I hope – that’s why this album hits people a little harder. It’s genuine.”

It’s not often a band receiving industry attention can be said to be keeping their feet on the ground. Proving that there’s an exception to every rule, Anthony Lloyd meets Crackout, and discovers them to be very nice boys indeed CRACKOUT ARE a very down to earth and modest band that seem unaffected by the recent attention they have received. “It’s just the right level of hype to show that we have support and we’re pleased that its no where near The Strokes’ level. Those guys have a lot of pressure on them to produce something good and I don’t think we’re ready for that.”

Crackout are very aware of the position that they are in and are by no means ahead of themselves. “At the moment we just want people to come to our gigs,” asserts modest guitarist/vocalist Steven Eagles.

The energy that they display on stage would imply that they are bursting to get out of such small, restrictive venues and have the freedom of a large arena venue.

“I don’t think we’re ready for anything bigger, I mean after three albums we would be considering playing something of that scale.” Drummer Nicolas Millard shows that Crackout are here long term and are aiming for success. They have a lot of admiration for people who have been in the business for a long time – “ I have envy and respect

for bands like The Cure or Neil Young who have had careers of length and quality and produced good and bad albums.”

The band spent two months in America recording (or “two weeks recording and a month and a half eating”) their debut album, This Is Really Neat. They are very pleased with the way the album has turned out, but did two months in the States get them into the nu-metal that is invading our shores? “I really like Deftones and the first Limp Bizkit album,” states Nic Millard, “but Limp Bizkit have really done themselves up and become too commercial.”

Steven Eagles appears to have a real dislike of any kind of corporate rock; “Bands like OPM are so corporate they have just become motionless.” Harsh words but you feel that he really means what he says.

Crackout are happy with the position they have come to be in. They travel to Europe in a few weeks, where Steven would “like to do well in France,” and the US beckons next year, but Crackout have arrived and look like they will not be leaving for a long time yet.

musicinterviews Last week our fair Union was graced with the prescence of God-rockers Delirious?. A somewhat bizarre concept, Andrew Davidson trundled down to the Great Hall and asked them why being a corporate Christian band isn’t a contradiction in terms

S

PIRITUALITY, FAITH and fame all seem a bit intense for a Friday afternoon but nontheless your roving hack took leave of a customary glass of scrumpy to spend an intimate half hour with the oh-so-nice boys from Delirious?.

They’ve been working together for ten years, their website gets 2,000 hits a day, their tours sell out without ever getting onto national playlists. In an attempt to cut away the chaff and find out what all the fuss is for, Stuart Garrard (guitars/vocals) and Jon Thatcher (bass) nervously twitched and twiddled their thumbs whilst a gair rhydd cynic did his utmost to remain non prejudgmental of a band which, lets be honest, don’t quite cut it in a way others do.

AD: “Are you bothered by your inability to become mainstream? Let’s face it, you’re not exactly Destiny’s Child now are you?”

JT: “Yes, it is a tension; we’ve had to turn our back on our regular fanbase in efforts to reach a larger audience”.

11

Happy Happy, Joy Joy! AD: “You mean, as in you’ve evolved from a fundamentally Christian band into one of commercial and materialistic fame?”

ST: “No – you can’t separate our spiritual faith, our music and our job…”

JT: “Sometimes money can contaminate something that’s pure; I’d do all this free. It’s a privilege as far as I’m concerned.”

AD: “So why charge so heavily for tickets and why sell such expensive merchandise?”

And so it continued… you don’t need the rest of the this interview to make up your mind on Delirious. They play ordinary, nothing-special-about-it rock songs, often likened to a Christian version of U2. They wear designer clothing and travel between places in a luxury tour bus. But maybe the lyrics of their songs are so brilliantly inspiring to the Christians among us, or in fact to anyone who cares about more than the origin of their next pint, that it doesn’t matter anyway.

That’s all clear as mud then isn’t it? It’s just a handy coincidence that these boys are reeling in pocket money fresh from their young fans’ sweaty palms and enjoying the fruits of a not-so-hard-up lifestyle. Is that a Christian ideal? Is it my arse.

As with so much in music, the fundamental principle can become eroded by the exploitative nature of the industry. The Gallaghers and McGee walked away from Creation Records with gold-lined pockets, leaving too many talented young hopefuls still signing on. The Manics demanded exclusive use of a portaloo at

musictribute on to Beatles track Norweigan Wood, which for the first time forged Eastern and Western styles in popular music.

In 1968, Harrison was the first Beatle to release solo material in the form of film soundtrack Wonderwall Music. But it was his triple record album All Things Must Pass, recorded with the legendary Phil Spector and re-released with previously unheard tracks earlier this year, which put Harrison firmly on the musical map as a solo artist, with single My Sweet Lord topping the charts in both the UK and the US. Harrison’s Indian interests led to the release of GEORGE HARRISON: 1945-2001 fundraising single Bangladesh in the early seventies, as well as a string of fundraising MUSIC were concerts with the likes of Eric Clapton and Bob Dylan. Harrison’s talents have stretched shocked to hear outside the confines of the music industry, about the death of however, hence his involvement with the one of our nation’s production of Monty Python’s The Life Of Brian and the setting up of his own film musical heroes last company, Handmade Films, which was Thursday. Maria responsible for productions including The Long Good Friday and Shanghai Surprise.

Lane pays tribute to Following John Lennon’s tragic death in the Beatles’ George 1980, Harrison penned tribute single All Those Years Ago, the recording of which Harrison featured both Paul McCartney and Ringo GEORGE HARRISON’S death on Thursday Starr. In 1988 Harrison released material 29th November, following a long battle with and toured with pop supergroup, The throat cancer, came as a shock to the Travelling Wilbury’s, along with Bob Dylan, nation. 21 years after the tragic death of Roy Orbison, Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne. In fellow Beatle John Lennon, the country is 1992 he toured Japan with friend Eric once again mourning the loss of one of its Clapton, and released a corresponding live musical heroes. album.

Born on the 25th February 1943, George In 1995, thanks to developments in new was the youngest of the Beatles and often technology, two new Beatles tracks, Free As referred to as ‘the quiet one’. It was Harrison A Bird and Real Love were produced, who was responsible for bringing together inspired by the Beatles Anthology TV series Liverpool based band The Quarrymen in in which Harrison, McCartney and Starr took 1958, which featured, among others, future part.

Beatle Paul McCartney.

In 1999, Harrison hit the headlines having With a guitar style modelled on rockabilly been stabbed by an intruder at his family hero Carl Perkins, Harrison proved to be home, but having survived the attack one history’s most talented guitarists and continued to battle with throat cancer. was also responsible for penning a number With a career spanning five decades, ‘the of The Beatles’ major hits including the quiet Beatle’ has touched a huge amount of politically ironic Taxman, the euphoric Here people, indeed it is a rare occurance for the Comes The Sun, and the stunningly death of anyone to touch so many beautiful Something. generations. As a musician, personality, filmHarrison’s obsession with India and its maker, fundraiser, husband, father and truly spiritual culture initiated perhaps one of the private and spiritual man, George Harrison most important hybridisations in modern will be sorely missed, but will live on as a music, for it was his introduction of the sitar true music legend.

Glastonbury 2000. It’s all tainted by the subjectivity of values once you’ve got a lucrative record deal.

I don’t know, I don’t much care either. Delirious’ current principles may be a bit half-baked compared to their original driving force. But maybe that doesn’t matter, in reality the audience still love the tunes ten years on, is it that which counts?

Decide for yourselves, I’m all out.

Far removed from the days when religious music was confined to Songs of Praise on a Sunday evening, newcomers Simian have created their own church, and even give out booklets at their gigs. Sounds kinda strange?

Andy Parsons finds out more...

It’s one thing for bands to have fan clubs – but a in that genre are just listening to that genre then religion? The Church of Simian, though, is just the music stagnates and the scene dies. We just one of the many things that demonstrates how like to mix it all together and hopefully it’ll work.”

Simian like to do things differently to other bands.

Judging from the critical acclaim that the band Formed in Manchester roughly two years ago have received for their debut album, Chemistry Is when college friends James, Jas and Alex met What We Are, something in the mixture seems to then solo singer/songwriter Simon, the band use be working. And the mixing theme continues in the idea of Simian actually being ‘a person’ rather the bands startling artwork – beasts, made up of than just a band to follow: several other creatures- a rabbit with a gooses “When we signed our deal we had to keep it a head or a dog with a sheeps face. They’re not secret,” explains Simon, “For a while we were in monsters though, they’re elegant creatures from this strange zone where we part of a band that another time or place. had this great album but only we knew about it “They say lots of things that we like and seem and it sort of made Simian this weird extra being, to reflect the music – but without linking the who we then became disciples of and it just music to anything or anywhere. It’s all about expanded from there.” Having ‘the Church’ idea hybridisation, about taking things that shouldn’t allows Simian to play around with how they It’s all about hybridisation, do things. Live events about taking things that and club nights shouldn’t necessarily be followed, the website is based on a historical together and putting them text and information together and making something booklets are given out at gigs to encourage else in its own right” more followers. “We like to give people more stuff, make it more fun for them,” says James. necessarily be together and putting them It all fits together nicely with Simian’s musical together and making something else in its own style. Imagine if the Beach Boys had included right,” explains Jas. “There must be some Syd Barret as a member, discovered electronica strange x-factor that makes it work, otherwise it’d and watched lots of cult tv and your almost there all be wrong. Some magic dust or something…”

– not that the band like to be pigeonholed So blame it on the magic dust or blame it on according to James: “We just write music that we the considerable talent of the band, but Simian like, experiment, try and do something different are definitely one to watch for next year as a new and if people like it – well that’s great.” “The single and new album will surely have everyone problem with genre music is that if all the people going ape for them.

SIMIAN: and friends...

musicsingles BEN’S SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA Cowboy

12 BELLE AND SEBASTIAN I’m Waking Up To Us

(Microbe)

(Jeepster)

“IT DON’T matter if you’re good or bad or ugly…” reckons Ben. Phew, I’ll be alright then. “…I’ll tie your gnarly ass to an avocado tree”. Doh! Ben sounds very pleased with himself here: his “swagger” is “scary”, his “chest” is “hairy”. Ooh crikey! Whilst the idea of Parisian Ben lording it in the Wild West is faintly amusing, the music is a poor man’s Beck and, as such, of no interest.

Paul Barnett

ADORED AND derided in equal measure, Belle & Sebastian are often accused of being their own worst enemy. Whilst those with bunches and a penchant for The Powerpuff Girls may beg to differ, their tweeness and acts of sheer awkwardness have alienated as many as they have enthralled.

If their is any sort of justice in the world, though, all this should change with this, their latest single release. Put quite simply, I’m Waking Up To Us is a work of sublime genius.

Taking the French-pop sensibility that Isobel Campbell is so clearly blessed with, and mixing with a healthy dollop of Stuart Murdoch catchiness/sarcasm, Belle & Sebastian have managed to produce a universally ace slice of alt.pop wonder.

THE DOMES OF SILENCE Tarnished Evidence / Lost Weekend (Shifty Disco)

HMM... RIGHT then, Shifty Disco. That means there’s approximately a 2% chance that this will be the future of British guitar rock, and 98% chance it will be a load of bleating indie shambles.

OK. First track – Hey! it’s like Shed Seven in their heyday mixed with an amateur Steven Malkmus!

Crap. Second track, sounds like they’ve tried to resurrect the ghost of Kula Shaker by getting what sounds like Karl Hyde from Underworld to sing some toss about “telling the people what they want to hear.” Crap. So, in summary, this is (you’ve guessed it) bleating indie shambles. And it’s crap. John Widdop

OXIDE & NEUTRINO U Can’t Stop Dis Shit (Rap Diss) / Only Wanna Know U Cos Ure Famous (EastWest)

THIS TIME last year, with just their dire reworking of the Casualty theme tune to their name, it was easy to dismiss Oxide & Neutrino as a crude novelty act. Such thoughts are emphatically swatted away here with the sparsely dismissive, S Club 7-baiting U Can’t Stop Dis Shit (Rap Diss) and the vibraphone-led, bass-heavy fury of Only Wanna Know U Cos Ure Famous.

Compressed, eloquent rage and claustrophobic menace dominate both to superb effect, while Neutrino’s raps are those of a man possessed.

Disturbing and magnificent, the presence of Skat D, convicted assaulter of teenage girls, together with his fellow So Solid Crew members’ continuing lyrical and musical preoccupation with violence, is rendered wholly irrelevant. Kids, genius never had to be nice. Alex Macpherson

STEREOPHONICS Handbags And Gladrags (V2)

CHRISTMAS IS coming, and the tradition of bands releasing records that can be enjoyed by the whole family continues with the latest offering by the Stereophonics. Comprising of three recordings of TV appearances in the last 12 months, two from Later… With Jools Holland, and one from the John Lennon tribute show Shine On, we see the band playing a series of cover

Though major honours must go to the title track, both b sides are pretty ace too. Though you could question the merit of calling a song I Love May Car, B&S have done just that and actually managed to make it pretty darned good. EP closer Marx And Engels harks back to an earlier, less cluttered B&S, all wistful vocal lilts and gentle piano. And it’s great.”I need someone to take some joy in something I do,” opines Stuart Murdoch on I’m Waking Up To Us. Happy to oblige, mate.

Luke Holland

BELLE AND SEBASTIAN: twee

Rise and shine

versions from the 60’s that must be some of their favourite songs, given the amount of effort that they appear to be putting into them. It’s just a shame that they no longer seem to be able to provide this kind of intensity and depth of feeling when performing their own songs.

David Pothecary

FOUR TET Paws EP (Domino)

ROUNDING OFF what has been a fantastic year for Keiran Hebden (aka Four Tet and bassist for Fridge) here’s a companion remix EP to augment the fabulous Pause album. Keiran himself turns Glue of the World into a twitchy two-step number (chill out garage anyone?) then protégé Koushik adds longing vocals and an quirky accordion to turn Hilarious Movie of the 90’s into a track Kings Of Convenience would be proud of. Flavour of the month Manitoba does equally lovely things with the same track and to round it all off previous single No More Mosquitoes gets a squelchy downbeat space-walk remix by Boom Bip. A brilliant EP that furthers and compliments what surely is one of the albums of the year. So beautiful it’ll have you in tears. Andy Parsons

THE AFTERNOONS A Change In Season EP (FF Vinyl)

THE TITLE track is instantly likeable, threatening to turn into a Cakey funkathon. It features cheeky honky-tonk piano pushing into a not-quite-silky but still rather smooth melodic chorus. It’s at this point that the quality control manager exits the factory, Mondeo screeching around the corner and into the distance. Take Gorky’s and siphon out their effortless charm with a pneumatic drill sized syringe and you’ve got the remaining tracks. Jamie Fullerton

MACHINE HEAD Crashing Around You (Roadrunner)

CRASHING AROUND You is lame. The latest material from Machine Head is run of the mill, compared to the colossal force that the L.A quartet used to be at the time of their debut, Burn My Eyes.

Once recognised as one the leading thrash metal bands of the nineties, they now represent a dying breed. Good for nothing, except listening to in the car. Live b-sides, Silver and Ten Ton Hammer, reinforce the notion that the band like to piss on their own feet by playing their older (and better) material next to their newer stuff. Bring back the original members and stop trying to conform, say I! Rich ‘D.P’ Moore

JT MOUSE Swingers

(Complete Control) FOLLOWING UP their rather excellent Sundrenched Torso / Superman single, Swansea’s finest small furry mammals return with their trademark mixture of wry lyrics and beautifully crafted acoustic tunes on the four track Swingers ten inch.

Never likely to disappoint, Swingers (backed up by b-sides Visual Nightmare and a live version of Crash) only helps to cement their reputation as one of South Wales’ most exciting new talents.

Guaranteed to bring a smile to your face, it’s well worth checking out. Rob Jackson

BASEMENT JAXX Where’s Your Head At? (XL)

EASILY THE best single so far from easily the best dance act to come out of the UK in a fair while. Where’s Your Head At? will easily have half of Cardiff’s student population dancing maniacally when the Jaxx visit our very own Great Hall next week, which, incidently, is going to be easily the best gig in the union in a long time.

Fucking amazing tune, easily.

Maria Lane

THE AVALANCHES Electricity (XL)

CONTINUING FROM the carelessly brilliant cutand-paste exploits of Frontier Psychiatrist, The Avalanches seem unceasing in the development of their reputation as credible participants in the alternative dance genre.

From directly behind a bold choral intro, dirty basslines reel forth into the abyss of big beats.

This combined with funky sampling methods suggests that resistance to such contagious pleasure is considered futile.

Andrew Davidson

CHRISTOPHER REES Kiss Me Kill Me (FF Vinyl) OXIDE AND NEUTRINO: scary

ARRIVING ON an impressive cardboard sleeve adorned with copperplate writing, Christopher

Rees’ single means business, and Kiss Me Kill Me doesn’t disappoint. Like the Tindersticks with a death wish, Rees’ haunting voice is bourne aloft on a sea of strings and acoustic guitar, from which come dark undercurrents of noise. This is impressive stuff – the type of song that wears a bespoke suit with razor blades under the lapels.

Fire Eye Land fails to capture the atmosphere of Rees’ live performances while Digging Holes works well on a rainy day, but sounds inconsequential elsewhere. Finally, Apathy and Time marks a return to the promise shown in the title track. Rees and his band manage to side-step both the perils of becoming goths or becoming Starsailor, whilst still sounding somehow familiar. Not the cheeriest of records but a pleasing experience all the same.

D.C. Gates

HUNDRED REASONS I’ll Find You (Columbia)

FRESH FROM supporting the godawful Muse on tour, and receiving the burden of being the ONLY good band in a certain publication’s list of ‘great’ new British guitar bands, Hundred Reasons have chosen probably the best time to release their third EP. It happens to rock like At The Drive-In and Refused being run over by industrial machinery, and quite frankly, if this song doesn’t appear on ‘The Best Emo/Hardcore Album In The World Ever’ then I’ll eat my family. And friends. John Widdop

BLOCK 16

Morning Sun (Featuring Jon Lucien) (Nuphonic) SLICK PRODUCTION and a salsa edge define this single from the album of the same name.

Live instruments, Latino percussion and suspect vocals augment chilled, comedown, jazz-house. Jon Lucien’s vocals slip between languages, then degenerate into gibberish.

Three remixes do little to ease the pain.

Max Jamieson

SPIRITUALIZED Out Of Sight (Arista)

IF AN artist’s work reflects the psychiatric balance of his mind, beware. Jason ‘Spaceman’ Pierce rarely gives interviews, so if it is up to the music to make character judgements, listen to Out of Sight and imagine him to be of schizophrenic tendencies.

Magnificently depressing but elevating in equal doses, this offering is awkwardly delightful. A simple beginning of restrained vocals, little more than whispers transcending into a disturbingly neurotic clamouring strain. A frantic emphatic arrangement of strings, brass and harmonica completes a discordant soar.

You know it’s not something you should thrive on, but yet, as confused as its creator, you can’t help it.

Gemma Curtis

musicalbums

17 music I implore you, if you haven’t already, to make that tiny bit of effort, take that minuscule amount of risk, and you’ll find a world of music much more worthy of your time and money. I promise.

Mike Goodsir

SO SOLID CREW They Don’t Know (Relentless)

AS THE Sex Pistols, NWA and Eminem have proved previously, being both rebellious and politically controversial can lead to critical acclaim and success in equal measures. And it is on this basis that So Solid Crew may be lauded for their refusal to conform. Or, in their own unique words, they’ve ‘kept it real’.

Admittedly, I’m not the globe’s premier UK garage fan, but much of this album is complete toss. Whilst the aforementioned trio coupled their abrasive wit with cunning production ethics, SSC present an inconsistent LP with some of the poorest production I’ve heard in a long while.

Skyla utilises some intricate lyrics but the backing track is akin to a dishwasher falling down some stairs. In contrast, Haterz combines a sweetly sung refrain with the sort of funky acidic bass doctored by Dre during his The Chronic era.

Unfortunately, the majority of the LP adopts the style of Skyla and fails to either inspire or encapsulate. Mace is a pretty good mc and will yearn to expand upon the promise he purveys. “I’ll open up your face,” he growls on the intro to In My Life, possibly aimed at a rejecting fifteen-year-old girl. Ahem.

They Don’t Know may be the perfect title for an LP of this ilk. SSC may be trying to be the UK version of the Wu-Tang Clan but lack the panache or charisma to appeal to anyone but the fifteen to seventeenyear-old fraternity and their hooded bomber jackets.

Aspirations of grandeur and minor glimpses of talent aside, SSC have delivered a samey and predictable debut. 21 Seconds? That’s long enough. Now shut the fuck up. Chris Evans

GRANKRU RECORDS PRESENT A Wireless Nation (Grankru)

SO SOLID CREW: musical mafia

and the crowd say SO! – selecta...

PEPPERCORN Free Love (BMG)

FREE LOVE begins well: an intriguing baroque harpsichord, which swiftly gives way to – oh, wait, limp and passionless MOR of the type which, whilst purporting to be rootsily and acoustically natural, manages to sound more studio-engineered than the Avalanches. And what, over this veritable musical Ikea, is AngloNigerian singer-songwriter Peppercorn singing of? Why, outdated hippie shit, manifest in song titles such as Karma and Barefoot And Dirty Jeans (It’s A Vibe Thing), and half-hearted ripoffs of Alanis Morissette. Even worse, she’s not even good at it.

When she goes for bolshy bitchiness, it’s with a series of lifeless puns; when she attempts to deal with important issues, she comes across as worthy and simplistic. The whole sorry shebang reaches its nadir on the ghastly title track, on which – accompanied by suitably clunking piano chords – Peppercorn metamorphoses into a 57th-rate Céline Dion.

Final track Bowing To Convention, reached after what seems like several months of banality, is a partial redemption, but only due to the unintentional hilarity of its hideous rock-wank guitar mess.

Message to Peppercorn: the world doesn’t need to know what India Arie would sound like after every vestige of soul has been pumped from her. So there’s no need to pursue your ‘musical’ career any further. Alex Macpherson

JOLENE The Pretty Dive (Blue Rose)

FIRST UP, a confession. I offered to review this CD because a) no-one else wanted to and b) there’s a track called Shiny Tongue, which made me laugh. Second up, I was expecting another angst-ridden solo artist from the sisterhood of acoustic folk-pop. So of course I was surprised to find that Jolene are an all-male five piece guitar band. Having recovered from my initial surprise, I then discovered that the band have incurably sticky fingers, having half-inched Fran Healy’s banjo (Me Again) and Michael Stipe’s voice (it can be done – remember The Little Mermaid?). Sifting out the good from the miserably mediocre introduces us to Break and Falling Up, two powerfully dark tracks with just a hint of the Smashing Pumpkins about them, and Cry Sixty, a one-minute wonder ballad in the

style of Rod Stewart. Overall, though, bland boys with guitars, and Shiny Tongue was rubbish!

Maria Lane

SUM 41 Half Hour Of Power (Big Rig/Mercury)

IN THE wake of Blink-182’s chart-topping success it was only a matter of time before we began to see a glut of similar ‘punk’ bands unleashed on the masses as the industry attempts to cash in. Enter Sum 41.

Basically, it’s very standard pop-punk type stuff, the kind that the Fat Wreck Chords label

has been putting out for years. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing too wrong with it, just nothing that hasn’t been done hundreds of times before. They try to mix it up a bit with cheesy metal parts, plus attempts at rap and ska, all of which have be done by countless better bands and come off sounding clichéd, contrived and embarrassing. I thought people would have got smart to this long ago, but sadly it seems not, and worse still, it seems the MTV2 ‘alternative’ kids are only too eager to lap it up.

The bottom line is that there are thousands of bands with more originality, more credibility and, most importantly, much better songs waiting for you in the punk section of every independent record shop in the country, and if you truly love

UNLIKE CONVENTIONAL hip-hop compilations, A Wireless Nation doesn’t promise the ‘phattest beats around’, ‘the best hip-hop in the world...’ or ‘the cream of...anything’. Instead it presents a serious issue at the moment concerning the British music industry. The compilation is the figurehead of the ‘Letter to Tony Blair’ campaign, which aspires to pass a bill in parliament that encourages more British music to be broadcast on British radio, along with more new, original British music.

To hammer this point home most of the artists featured are from the underground scene. Roots Manuva, Freestylers and Asian Dub Foundation are the most recognisable names here. MSI & Asylum supply us with the opening track, a strong effort incorporating lyrics that strike the keynote for the rest of the album, “At last a compilation, about a loss of patience,” and “...come together as one to change this friggin’ system,” just a sample.

There seems to be a valid point being made here, worlds apart from Eminem’s crude dissings (“Boy, girl groups make me sick”). But what about the beats? While the political point is clearly outlined here, musical creativity is not compromised. Freestylers give us ruffneck reggae and Roots Manuva demonstrates just how powerful British hip-hop can really be.

Maxim demonstrates that he’s no more than a cog in Liam Howlett’s machine with his solo offering. It sounds like a Prodigy B-side, which is no bad thing.

Things are kept upbeat and chugging along at a decent pace, as most of the album is dance orientated, often industrial sounding. The arrogant swing of hip-hop lies at the heart of most of the tracks however. John Peel and Steve Lamacq are namechecked along with Tony Blair, to keep things rooted firmly in British soil. Many gems are uncovered. Lesser-known acts, such as Krispy and Ty, bolster this heavy hitting collection of underground originality, which provides super-strength support for a highly legitimate proposition. Jamie Fullerton

He did it Frank’s way ROBBIE WILLIAMS Swing When You’re Winning (Chrysalis)

APPARENTLY, THE beat that beat in the heart of Robert Peter Williams was the beat of swing music. So, not one afraid of trying something a bit different, (did you see the knitted patchwork tank-top on Top Of The Pops?) Robbie has a bash at being Ol’ Blue Eyes. Hence this little gem, released shortly after his previous album, Sing When You’re Winning which sold about 40 squillion copies. Containing songs by Nat King Cole, Al Jonson and Cole Porter, this album isn’t for li’l sis, whose musical wisdom fails to stretch beyond Destiny’s sodding Child and those Scouse Pussies… sorry, Atomic Kitten.

“The fat twat’s just trying to be Sinatra.” Well yes, maybe, but do we really mind? For one, HE’S NOT FAT FOR CHRIST’S SAKE… ahem, sorry. And secondly, he’s actually got a damn good voice – almost (I said almost) mistakable for the King of Swing himself. They’ve even managed, by the miracles of modern technology, to put the two men together in It Was A Very Good Year. Robbie hasn’t got the strength or smoothness of voice to completely carry it off, but hell he gives it a bloody good shot.

Jane Horrocks shows off her vocals inThings and Nicole Kidman is good for a laugh in Somethin’ Stupid (sparking rumours, of course, that she’s paying Cruisey back by sharing more than a microphone with Mr Williams). Jonathan ‘I’m-Robbie’s-flatmate-so-please-buy-my-records’ Wilkes even gets a go in Me And My Shadow.

This guy’s charging a whopping 175 squidlies for a seat to see his show at the Royal Albert – and people are paying, so the geezer’s doing something right. Your Granny would love this album (note: put on Christmas ideas list) – it’s good; the songs are good… oh to hell with it, Robbie’s good. There, I said it. Katie Brunt

ROBBIE WILLIAMS: ol’ blue eyes is cack...

artsreviews

14

Vanessa veers the wrong way VANESSA MAE St. David’s Hall

high on the success of her techno-classical fusion version of Bach’s ‘Toccata and Fugue’.

Her sound was exciting and, of course, the novelty factor of a young girl playing the violin S THE Vanessa-Mae publicity machine gathered extremely well in often the most skimpiest of momentum and prepared for her performance at the outfits can’t have harmed her sales.

St. David’s Hall recently it seemed that the girl She’s now 23 and has been performing for herself was stuck in a bit of a rut. All the key elements for a the past twelve years. Watching her on stage blinding show were in place: swanky staging with white canvas there’s no doubting her prodigious talent. She awning off-setting the suitably middle-aged, technically was at ease playing on all five of her violins, proficient backing musicians and, of course, lots of space for some of them looking more like melted bits of the petite violinist to roam around in. plastic than well-formed musical instruments, But all this is a tad irrelevant if the music isn’t actually any and she managed to create some truly good. And sadly it seemed that the very stuff Vanessa-Mae was interesting sounds with the use of various here to promote failed to set many hearts aflame with the electrical devices. desire to buy her new album.

But for all her efforts at promoting her ‘new’ She told the audience that Subject to Change was a new sound, it was only her renditions of past musical venture for her, taking her style of violin playing and favourites that enlivened the rather staid placing it firmly into the world of pop. However, her idea of audience. She will always be most admired for her audacious tamperings She was at ease playing on all five with classical works. Her version of Robert Burn’s of her violins, although some of poem “I’m a Doun” borrows them looked more like melted bits a melody written by Max of plastic than well-formed musical Bruch and is made entirely her own with genuine instruments intuition and sympathy for the genre. This is definitely ‘pop’ is unlikely to make any waves in the chart scene simply Vanessa at her best but it seems she’s leaving because the pieces are so darn boring. They hark back to the this type of music-making behind for the time more mundane works on her first album The Violin Player, and being. reveal that her independent musical style has developed It all just made me wonder what the future minimally if at all. holds for this hugely talented young woman. If To be fair, she’s had quite a good track record with her past she’s not careful she could end up a proverbial offerings to the mainstream charts. At just 16 she was riding has-been by the time she’s 25. LaDonna Hall

A

Scary science scenes

COPENHAGEN The New Theatre

I got totally lost as the characters’ life histories jumped from 1938 to God-knows-when, and realised when I got home I should have read the Letts Study Guide style circle-and-arrow date-chart in the program before the play. The actors talked so ‘slight technical hitch’ was a cracking start, fast it started to sound like Paul Whitehouse doing the British complete with someone behind me dishing out the Gas TV adverts, but the sections where they got really into “how-many-directors-does-it-take-to-change–a- each others’ thoughts were much more interesting, especially light-bulb?” joke. The play, focused around a famous meeting when they merged their three opinions and feelings into one between two scientists, was pretty much Niels Bohr giving his speech. They used this style to describe the Bohrs’ son’s wife Margrethe one serious . . . (behave) science lesson. She death, and although really atmospheric, if this was to illustrate how Niels saw Heisenberg The actors talked so fast they started as a son, it wasn’t emphasised enough, and to sound like Paul Whitehouse in the one of the best bits of the British Gas TV advert play went to waste.

Being a cheapskate, I had a seriously uncomfortable seat, was scary as hell, but I was well impressed with myself when but noticed that the railing cutting across my view actually it clicked that she sounded like Margaret from One Foot in the turned Margrethe into a headless puppet. Cool. Sometimes I Grave (a rather uncanny name thing going on there as well). I could cut two heads off in one go – depending where the was waiting for her to run off with Heisenberg, (Niels’s mate actors were on stage. (There’s nothing like childish fun during and once-colleague), because she was always between the a science lesson). two men, but nothing that exciting happened.

In the second half, an argument was the perfect opportunity to tip my Smarties from their extra-rustly paper bag. Going into a psychiatry session on self-perception, Heisenberg gave a drippy “I want to die speech”, cried, hugged Niels, and then Marg cheered everyone up with a ‘Hell-fire’ speech on the dangers and “darkness” of nuclear weapons. But if that’s how she feels... The play ended, but totally didn’t conclude, with a noise like the distorted speakers in some rude-boy’s Golf GTI, and ideas of ‘uncertainty’. Not that there could be anything except uncertainty about a meeting during which no-one knows what happened.

But I loved the set. The way they used just three black chairs on a white floor, alongside fantastic lighting was brilliant. It created the perfect atmosphere for the three ghosts to reenact their past within. And ‘nuff respect for learning all those science manuals. Not a single line forgotten.

Catherine Holmes

A

Rogue’s gallery TOM JONES Sherman Theatre

C

ARDIFF LITTLE Theatre’s production of Fielding’s Tom Jones can be seen as a good production, let down by company’s weaker members. Few shone in this production; indeed one who did not was Robert Chandler as Tom Jones himself.

His portrayal of the Somerset rouge leaned more towards a bumbling fool rather than the lover Casanova. The passionate scenes of which there were many did not even raise an eyebrow, let alone the temperature in the tiny, chilly theatre.

Robert Chandler did, however, seem to enjoy kissing nearly every member of the female cast. The latter’s wooden acting was highlighted by

His portrayal of the Somerset rouge leaned more towards a bumbling fool rather than the lover Casanova

the competent and comprehensive skills of George Atkins and Freddie Fox. Their roles, Squire Allworthy and Squire Western, were played to the standard that they demanded. Rhiannon Lewis and Robert Gainey were equally impressive as the weak and naive Sophia and the bitter po-faced Blifil. Mrs Walters, played by Chris Leach, shone as a minor role and added to the companies comprehensive and well rehearsed production, as did June Culpin, as Susan. Richard Morgans interpretation of Lord Fellamar, like Chandlers’ Jones, lacked the lustre of the other characters and gave the impression that they had not explored the characters fully or were uncomfortable in their roles.

The mixture of serious to slapstick worked well to add humour to an otherwise dull part of the script. The clever use of the bare and simple set worked to the advantage of the small company. The piece was well directed and designed and the rehearsal process thorough, as first night nerves or the exceptionally small audience did not perturb the cast. Some work needed on Mr Fitzpatrick’s (Paul Cooke) Irish accent however.

The use of dance to add movement to the dialogue was appropriate in its style, historically. Yet without musical accompaniment the steps looked clumsy and out of place, yet still essential to the piece. The costumes provided a colourful display against the bleak background, but costume changes between acts gave way to awkward gaps in the action, and a delay that left the audience tittering.

The adaptation of the novel into a well-timed piece did not lose any essential parts, it highlighted the better parts. No previous knowledge of the novel was needed, and Fielding’s use of intertextuality remained cleverly woven in to the play. This reminded the audience that, although Feilding’s work is an amazing piece of literature, as a play the novel could be described as hell on earth.

Overall, a well-rounded piece that’s entertaining and not mentally challenging in any way. The talent within this cast shines like a star in the darkness of otherwise mediocre performers. Kate Price

artsreviews

15

Santa’s Sack of Sleaze Robin Hood Prince of Sleaze Act One Great Hall

R PICS: Mike Parsons

OBIN HOOD Prince of Sleaze was everything that you could ever have wanted from a Christmas panto. If you enjoy smutty jokes or anything aimed at

the Welsh then you’ll have loved it, so I suppose that’s everyone. Not for the shy or weak hearted, the audience was prepared to be threatened with a super-soaker and possibly have their trousers demanded off them. As the name promised, the ‘over eighteens only’ rule was fully justified and you certainly got your four pounds worth from the lap dancing alone.

In the true spirit of things, you weren’t allowed to sit back and watch and, like all pantomimes, this one relied heavily on audience participation. The traditional style was always adhered to, the audience being fully involved and often addressed directly, and it quickly became apparent how well this suits the unavoidably amateurish student acting. Heckling, it stated in the program, was encouraged at any time and as the audience warmed up (or the alcohol soaked in), it became frequent. The actors’ responses were witty and quick, to the extent that I had to wonder if the hecklers had been planted, but the great thing was that it didn’t matter either way. They certainly conveyed a feeling of spontaneity and made everyone laugh, which was surely the only reason we were there.

Aside from heckling, everyone enjoys booing the baddie and especially practicing it before she appears (“Come on, louder!”). The evil sheriff performed fantastically and didn’t stray from our usual cliched baddie requirements: “Christmas makes me puke”, with the bonus of a passion for bondage and a kinky affair emphasising each of its shimmers and sparkles.

This painting seems to have a very calming effect on its viewer and I am sure it would do wonders for your stress levels.

‘The stronghold of the season and the camp of the Kittywake’ showed an alternative side to Brett’s style. His use of rustic ambers and golden flints encapsulated a warm, inviting atmosphere. The town that lay beyond the shores was epitomised

Stress–less art John Brett: A Pre-Raphaelite on the Shores of Wales National Museum and Gallery Park Place

W

E WOULD not normally consider ourselves art connoisseurs, however on this occasion we found ourselves pleasantly surprised with the simplistic beauty of John Brett’s paintings.

First of all, a bit of art history for you – Brett is best known for his painting ‘The Stonebreaker’ (1857) yet this exhibition is the first to concentrate on his “highly detailed, geographically accurate seascapes” of Wales.

Drawing inspiration from artists Holman Hunt and Millais he uses intricate brushstrokes to create a vividly captivating explosion of colour.

The focal point of the exhibition was ‘The Isles of Skomer and Skokham’ (1891). The murky undertones created a ferocious image of a normally tranquil sea. ‘Britannia’s Realm’ has been quoted as ‘one of the most realistic pictures of the sea ever painted.’ This statement could not have been truer. It captures the sheer beauty of the sea,

by the smooth contours of the buildings that, to a certain extent, resembled a scene from the medieval era bathed in sunlight.

The painting entitled ‘Atmospheric Landscape’ contrasted deeply with Brett’s other paintings. Rather than the beautiful, idyllic pictures that we had previously viewed, ‘Atmospheric Landscape’ captured the threatening, uncontrollable feeling that the sea can often create. Brett used undertones of green, purple, grey and bronze to depict the dark, sinister mood. Although this painting was inspired by unhappiness we are glad to see that something very beautiful and positive came out of it.

The exhibition also displays ex-catalogue material from private collection, not previously unveiled to the public before. This work excludes early self-portraits, rough sketches and extracts from their family diaries.

If you find you’re stressing out, take a trip down to the National Museum and Gallery for your sense to be seduced into a state of peace.

The museum is also home to another 17 galleries to feast your eyes upon.

Angela Singh and Laura Shirley

with her leathered female servant. However, the most disturbing character was unquestionably the paedophilic Santa who continually demanded repulsed laughter and even fancied Rudolph, who, as a ‘brown nosed reindeer’ (you may guess the need for

home in the role. Shamelessly playing up the panto side of things brilliantly, he no doubt contributed to the amount of audience participation.

There were many surprises in watching the pantomime. Despite being so long it was

The audience was prepared to be threatened with a super-soaker and have their trousers demanded from them a name change), sat with a bong whilst Santa was on the White Lightning.

The most notable performance was from Si Rees who played the transvestite nanny and, even threatened Santa’s sexual exploits for the biggest laughs. Although Nanny’s physical appearance would have been amusing enough in itself, he seemed incredibly at

James and the Giant Peach Sherman Theatre

rarely, if ever, boring and it is even possible to say that the humour was clever at times, although never subtle. As promised, it was written especially for our dirty student minds and could have maybe adjusted its warning to be over eighteens and under 25’s only. So if you went along I just hope you didn’t take your granny! Alex McHenry

depressive, yet loveable Earthworm (Gareth Win Griffiths). The abundant talents of not only the actors but also the musicians were always on display, and the use of simple stage design, props, resolve, and energy kept the audience spell bound and the constant action made this HIS AMAZING production appeals to show extremely memorable. During the school children and adults alike; the performance the actors provided all the music enthusiasm of the young cast and actors which added to the cosy feeling of travelling in spills over into the audience, who are presented the Peach. With talented clarinet player with a magnificent array of costumes, colour, Grasshopper (Matthew Bailey) and the other music and song. musical bugs, perhaps it should be re-titled The magical reworking of Roald Dahl’s James and the Giant Ugly Bug Ball. classic reached new levels of entertainment in The youngest members of the cast must be the ‘Theatre in Education’ style performance. praised, as extremely valuable to the The eight talented actors and musicians brought performance, the understated The eight talented actors brought roles they held, helped to keep the scenes moving and provide the theatre to life with their a fitting audience for James’ dynamic performances tale.

It is impossible for me to explain how amazing the Sherman Theatre to life with their dynamic this performance is whether or not you’ve read portrayal of James and The Giant Peach. the novel. I can only say, take your little brother The eight actors who take on the main roles or sister, borrow the children you baby-sit, or as James and his insect buddies also double up even pretend that your seven years old again as minor characters. The flexibility and talent and go and see it! You’ll admire the boastful needed for this demanding style of theatre was Centipede, you’ll want to be best friends with displayed fully by all actors with Lucy Rivers James and you’ll think hateful thoughts about (Ladybird / Aunt Sponge / James’ mum) Aunts Sponge and Spiker, because it’s great. displaying an effortless interchange between her Kate Price roles and delivering a convincing performance as each character.

The cast delivered a fully comprehensive and wellrounded performance. The instant bond between James (Ryland Teifi) and the audience gave the performance an enjoyable pantomime feel without the cheesy lines, cringe worthy dames and dodgy costumes that are associated with runof-the-mill Christmas performances.

To put it simply this was an absolutely fantastic performance which is a credit to the children’s classic, from the glamourous Miss Spider (Bethan Morgan) to the manic

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gamesreviews g

Imitation of life THE AMAZING VIRTUAL SEA MONKEYS (PC) Just Play/ Creature Labs

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ACK IN the sixties, sea monkeys were little dehydrated eggs sold by mail order in comic books. When added to water the eggs came to life and could live for up to two years. They were fairly popular, enough to go into space in a NASA mission.

Helen Burchmore, a Biologist, explains: "Sea Monkeys are part of an ancient group of animals related to crabs and lobsters. They are generally found in salty water such as rock pools. This is a harsh environment, and Sea Monkeys ('Artemia' in Latin) have had to make many adaptations to this, such as growing amazingly fast and reproducing in huge numbers. The eggs that are sold are baby Sea Monkeys in 'suspended animation'– the mother laid the eggs as the pond she lived in dried up, hoping that one day the water would fill up the pool so her children would be able to hatch. Often when a pond dries up, the eggs are carried by the wind for hundreds of miles until they end up

B

RUCE LEE was cool but double dragons are better than one, right? First some terminology: your squares of energy are 'cubes'; levels are 'sheets' and enemies who give you no chance to retaliate are 'bastard motherfuckers'.

And what about those baddies eh? Betty the bondage bitch (hey c'mon, we were kids) with her purple PVC bodystocking, huge

Sea Monkeys Diary Day One Installed Sea Monkeys. Hatched eggs. They grew into some human/ fish hybrid things. They start swimming about. Very Exciting. Try to move them elsewhere – can't control them. Arse. But joy of ironic joy – they've got names! Benny, Lauren and Craig. Hang on, I've got points somehow. Keep watching. It's the pearls! They sometimes fly into the corner. And then I can get the SM food, seaweed, fish or some other stuff, like a jukebox.

Great. Get me more pearls, little monkeys. Go, dive, dive my pretties. Go on, go on. Arse, I still can't control them, just slap or tickle them. I go to bed baffled.

Day Two Coursework Deadline day. Finished work, then played Championship Manager. Very disappointing.

The Sims effectively a Soap opera sim, Sea Monkeys is like a scaled down Sims. It's more like the videogames equivalent of a Discovery Channel documentary. You hatch the eggs and watch them grow. They need to be fed to Much of the pleasure from Sea grow faster, Monkeys is from watching the and need clean water AI's interacting with the to stay environment... Which makes clear of them like a glorified Tamagotchi diseases.

It's interactive, but in a limiting way. You can't in water and hatch once more." directly control the SMs. Much of the Games would like to compare the all new pleasure from Sea Monkeys is from passively Virtual Sea Monkeys with the real thing, but sitting, watching the AI's interacting with the they've been eaten by GR’s sports team. environment. Which would make it a glorified Mmm. Were they delicious boys? We hope screensaver, as Dogz and Catz are, but the they were. But now there's a space to fill Sea Monkeys are dependent on you for food. whereby we can point out that sea monkeys Which makes them more like a glorified do live for two years, although they obviously Tamagotchi. won't kill you. No, like tapeworms they just For a game like this, what you make of it rest, picking off food from your stomach. After is generally what you put into it, and that about three months, the sea monkeys may remains the case with Sea Monkeys. The have left up to 20 grammes of faecal material more time you try to coerce the little critters, in the stomach. Oh, and they double in size if the bigger the rewards, but the game restricts they come into contact with alcohol. your involvement somewhat. Thus the claims Especially slippery nipples. that are made about "Digital DNA" and Sea Monkeys (SMs) is definitely an oddity, "internal biochemistry" is all well and good, but its kinda been done before. Remember but just isn't proved by the actual experience.

Little Computer People (1985), Creatures The AI isn't as fully developed as in Black (1995), or Dogz and Catz (1996). It's difficult & White; here, they are pretty much like to define – say Goldeneye is an action game,

DOUBLE DRAGON (1987) Taito Corporation Arcade

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blonde poodle perm and those pathetic whelps as you mercilessly beat her to death (hey c'mon, we were kids).

Simon, a fairground muscle of dubious sexual morals and prodigious moustache. He punches out through a brick wall, and then tries to punch his way in through your forehead.

The 1st level boss is Mr T. Okay, he's not got the jewellery but it's definitely him fool! And boy is his ass mad. He's gonna squish yo head in his palms, possibly because he thinks you've just stolen his milk.

For an early, scrolling beat 'em up the gameplay is advanced and subtle.

Punches, flying roundhouse kicks, elbows, holds and headbutts and a variety of weapons, each accompanied by a sickening crunch.

Intelligent enemies circle and dodge, sometimes co-operating in a pincer movement, or arm-lock ass whuppin'. But it's not just you against the world, a trusted friend will be at your side all the way. And if you should somehow manage to grab your pal by the forelock, repeatedly smack him in the face and toss him off a cliff, well, accidents will happen.

After traversing the deadly final sheet,

students; they want to eat, play, and screw, and listen to cheesy 80's music and the So Solid Crew.

Sea Monkeys is a fascinating interactive experience. It's appeal is probably broader than most games, if it’s right to call it a ‘game’, but its longevity depends on how you accept the game and how you nurture the SMs. It doesn't really change, so although you may have bred the 9th generation of SMs, it doesn't make a difference to what you have to do, so you might lose interest. There's more to meets the eye in Sea Monkeys (the last time that it's written, I promise) but I couldn't find it.

Chris Faires www.sea-monkey.com www. creatures.net

Day Three Benny grows. Blimey! He's doubled in size. Hang on, why does he look like the Elephant Man? Why is he floating at the top of the surface? Hey – Craig and Lauren have grown, and they're going off the screen – they haven't done that before! Hurray! They're heading to the house on the seabed that they've neglected so far... They've gone in. What are they doing in there?... a baby comes out, and another. The saucy monkeys.

Meanwhile, Benny falls down to the bottom of the seabed, dead. Oh dear. Lauren's also in a bad way.

She's swelled up and blotchy. Craig's bashing his head against a rock. Stop it, you fool, get me some pearls.

Realise Craig's an idiot. Finally get pearls. Drop some plasma for Lauren. It bounces off her.

Lauren dies, but Craig's happy playing with the butterfly fish.

Maybe he's in denial or just doesn't care.

The new kids are Bethany and Frank.

Realise there's going to be some serious family issues for the family to continue.

Have you seen The War Zone Bethany?

Day Four I give them some food, in a vain hope they'll fetch me some pearls. Craig looks bored, and sticks his head above the surface. I stumble across the 'aqualeash' function. I can now find out anything I want, as long as I can decipher what the yellow, blue and red things signify. Bugger. Get a water polo ball for Craig to play with instead of food for the kids. He spends about a second by it. Frank puts on another prolific growth spurt. He now looks just like his Dad, but probably doesn't want to be told that, especially as his Dad has just had sex with his sister, leading to Liza and Barney, as well as some difficult meal times.

Thankfully, Lauren doesn't die, but she can't look Frank in the eye. Very exciting.

Day Five The family is huge. It's almost as big as the slowdown on my computer. Oh, for gawd’s sake. I decide to watch Danielle exclusively, and wait until she dies. Her peers are crashing down around her, but she's staying firm. I use the aqualeash thing and press the red button and the blue button a bit. I haven't a clue what they do. Try to train baby monkeys to dive for pearls.

Not a massive success. Baby Chelsea starts banging her head against a rock. Give her a slap, she swims away to her parents. A watched sea monkey never bites the dust, it seems, a point proven when I look away for only the second time in half an hour, Danielle has gone.

Very disappointing.

with living statues, sliding masonry and more homicidal knife-wielding maniacs than you can throw a huge muscle bound nutbag as you enter the final chamber.

Dispatch 'Machine Gun Mary', gun-toting uber-boss and collect your very lovely prize, 'the girl'. But there's one of her, and two of you. Now what? No, not that! It's a fight to the death! Two perfectly matched opponents with mutual respect for each other's devastating martial arts. Each will live or die by their skill alone. May the sneakiest thug win. Mei Lewis

gamesfeature g

The Contenders

Last weekend saw the release of two next-next gen games machines. Thursday saw a lavish launch party in Times Square for Microsoft’s X-Box, while on Sunday, Los Angeles was the base for Nintendo to launch its Gamecube. Chris Faires looks at who won the opening round, and who could be the ultimate gaming champion

X-Box (Microsoft)

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2002 and Project Gotham Racing.

XBox is selling for $299, the same price as the PS2 when it was launched, and the games are selling for $49.99.

Microsoft is losing about $70 for each console it sells, and hopes to make money through games. It's a strategy that is used for pretty much every console, although Nintendo are only losing about $20 on the Gamecube.

Microsoft have claimed to have sold out all their XBox stocks in about two daysbut they only had an inital allocation of 300,000 units compared to 700,000 for the GC. Microsoft claim the XBox is aiming “Gee, thanks Bill. But I really wanted a for a more mature Gamecube” audience than

ig G" wholeheartedly set his new baby upon the world with a 50 million dollar advertising blitz and an extravaganza in Times Square where Bill played Dead or Alive 3 against camp manon-man wrestler The Rock. It’s big games were Halo, the compulsory Madden NFL

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Gamecube, and have recruited companies like Bizzare Creations, Bungie and Sega for that audience. But that hasn’t stopped detractors saying that the XBox is just a mid-market watered-down PC. It’s the first console to come with a built in hard drive, the controllers are PC (USB) compatible and it comes with a modem as standard, but will be broadband compatible.

It’s a big, big machineabout the size of a DVD player, compared to the pert size and shape of the GC. Not that being a shallow PC is bad, look at the Dreamcast, even Sony has released a hard drive add-on for the PS2. It aids developers by making data transfer quicker and easier.

Bonus points for the inclusion of four joypad slots, thus avoiding Sony’s £30 multitap, and for having DVD playback (when you buy a remote control). But how will it fare against one of the most popular games companies ever?

TOP 5 MOST WANTED: XBOX 1. Project Gotham Racing The sequel to Games' fave MSR in all but name, brings new hypercool racing on to the XBox

2. Halo (below)

A sharp 3D action shooter from Bungie, creators of the Maconly classic fps Marathon. Bungie were bought by Microsoft earlier this year.

3. Jet Set Radio Future

The original JSR’s graphical style is now being imitated to death, but the sequel to one of the coolest games ever is Sega’s main XBox contribution.

4. Unreal Championship

What, lots of PC games on Xbox? Funnily enough there are, and if they’re all as good as Unreal, then that's OK by us. This should be finished for the XBox broadband network.

5. Oddworld: Munch's Oddysee

So, so long in the making, the fully 3D platform-puzzler plays a bit like Pikmin (see below) but with a juvenile streak.

Gamecube (Nintendo)

Capcom, who HEREAS BILL Gates is clearly seen as the head of are producing the Microsoft Corporation, Nintendo’s leading light no less than is Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto. Miyamoto, five Resident "Shigs" to his friends or games journos who like abbreviations, is Evil titles for the main designer of the game controller rather than the console. the GC. No The controller, to many people, is the most important part of the sign of such system. It must feel comfortable and accessible for the best reforming gamesplaying experience. So that's why although the GC relationships controller (right) looks crazy – analogue stick, d-pad, camera with Square stick and a huge ‘A’ button, it is reportedly the most ‘natural’ pad though, as ever made.

Sony have Nintendo's launch was more low key than Microsoft's, as it taken a stake was the global launch of XBox, whereas the Gamecube had into the cash been released in Japan earlier this year. They are claiming to strapped have outsold Harry Potter – beating the boy wizard’s take at the company.

US Box office to sell over $100 million worth of hardware, Clearly, the Japanese developers see the GC as a step games and accessories. The launch was the most successful above the N64 and it’s pricey cartridges. The media the GC for a Nintendo console ever in America. uses is special 3 inch discs that can hold about 1.5 gigs of The big Gamecube releases were Luigi's Mansion and Wave data. The games cost the same as XBox releases, but the Race: Blue Storm. Surprisingly, there was no Mario game to console is selling for $100 cheaper,and there are more of start, so his brother had a chance to enter the limelight. them. Round one to Nintendo.

Unlike Microsoft, Nintendo isn’t self-consciously aiming for a specific market, but is concentrating on making fun games – what it calls “The TOP 5 MOST WANTED: GAMECUBE Nintendo Difference”. There’s not been 1. Rogue Squadron 2 much talk yet of Pokemon yet, funny for such a prized asset, although there have While X-Wing and Rogue Squadron 1 were fun, the crafts only vaguely resembled been rumours of a release for 2003 the actual Star Wars ships. This game uses Star Destroyers that look exactly like compatible with the Gameboy Advance. Oh the ones in Star Wars. I don't need to say anything more. yeah – didn’t I mention that?

2. Super Monkey Ball The GBA will be able to link to the When it was announced that Sega were going to make games for Nintendo, we Gamecube as an extra controller, or can knew of several Sega fans who openly wept. However, when they saw SMB, their transfer data between the two, Pokemon tears changed to that of joy. Its kinda an update of Marble Madness, but with a Stadium style. There are some more monkey trapped in a ball. advanced ideas – a new Kirby Pinball game 3. Pikmin (above) envisages playing on the GC, and then While the world awaits the official announcement of a new Mario game, this is switching to the GBA to continue playing. currently Miyamoto’s baby. Think Lemmings meets Black and White. Hold that Gamecube doesn’t come with a modem, thought. Good, isn’t it? but has a broadband expansion slot for the future. The Nintendo difference has been 4. PSO v2 emphasised through the unique carry Yes, its another sequel, but PSO1’s longevity stemmed from going online, those who handle, which is used not to transport the didn’t were reduced to hacking and slashing by themselves ad infinitum. PSO2, GC to your mates house, but because some however, bodes a 4-player co-operative mode. research showed that many games machines were moved about before playing, 5. Super Smash Brothers Melee Nintendo is really pinning its hopes of attracting a mass market audience with this and the big N wants to make life easier for Nintendo all-star beat 'em up. It went into the Japanese charts at no. 2 in its first you lucky people. week, and should sell by the bucketload.

They’ve also kissed and made up with

GRiP

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He’s got a Halo, and a really big gun

So who will win? A rhetorical question, but here’s a direct answer: Sony. They've had a year to build up a userbase, and now the triple A titles – GTA3, Devil May Cry, Silent Hill 2 and Metal Gear Solid 2 – are coming in. Nintendo make the best games, but still overcharge for them, meaning that mainstream dominace may prove difficult, despite the $200 pricepoint. Of course, if the compatibility between GC and Gameboy Advance can be sorted out then maybe they can rule the roost.

And that leaves Microsoft. Not last by any means, but they'll face hostility in Japan. Sports and action games are aimed at the US rather than Far East market. They should be going head-to-head with Nintendo in Europe – a territory they could do very well in if they treat European gamers with more respect than Nintendo does (which wouldn't be difficult). Meanwhile, PS2 has kept on selling very nicely. Now, its all down to the games.

The games verdict

03.12.01

Got a cold or the flu?

Blocked nose, sore throat, headache, aches and pains.....

CARDIFFBUSINESSSCHOOL

Business Careers Society presents....

The Winter Ball @ City Hall

Have you got time to help us with our research at the Common Cold Centre? If yes, please telephone 0500 655398 (Freephone) or come to the Common Cold Centre.

You will be compensated for your time and travel by a cheque payment at the end of the study

Common Cold Centre

Cardiff School of Biosciences, Off Park Place, near the Tower Block Monday - Friday 9.30am - 4.30pm

11th December 2001

Members £33.00 Non-Members £35.00

7pm - Champagne reception & Jazz band • 5 Course Meal & Wine Disco & Casino & Much More • Tickets:- 12 - 2 every week day by Business School Snack Bar • Carrages @ 1pm

in association with

Television

19

3 December

Monday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Crimewatch Daily 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Perfect Partner 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Angelmouse 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 Dennis the Menace 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 Eureka TV 4.35 Stacey Stone 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Stephanie and Drew race.

Race what? Dogs? Snails?

Ostriches? We need to know, people! Oh, hello there – welcome to another week of TV. Expect the usual and then some.

6.00 Open University 7.00 Albert the 5th Musketeer 7.25 Casper 7.45 Blue Peter 8.10 Brum 8.20 Fireman Sam 8.30 Noddy in Toyland 9.00 Tweenies Christmas Countdown; Tweenies 9.40 Playdays 10.00 Teletubbies 10.50 Schools 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Brum 1.10 Motor Sport: World Rally 1.40 FILM: The Intelligence Men 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 Esther 4.30 Happy Birthday Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link Special: People We Love to Hate With a title like this, this has got to be good. But the Radio Times won’t tell us what it’s about. Gutted.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 The Biggest Game in Town 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 House of Horrors 2.10 Crossroads 2.40 Wheel of Fortune 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 The Twins 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.10 Hey Arnold!

4.35 24Seven 5.05 Nuts and Bolts 5.30 Crossroads Mark drunkenly admits he wants a relationship with Sarah. Stop press: world not flat, man lands on moon, Elvis dead....

Come on, we want to hear something revelatory.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Boy Meets World 10.00 ER 10.50 ER 11.40 All Sorts 12.00 Laurie Lee’s Gloucestershire 12.30 Planed Plant: Adfent 12.45 Planed Plant: Bibi 1.00 Planed Plant: Ari Awyren 1.15 Extremes 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Richard and Judy 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Uned 5 5.15 Ffeil 5.30 Don Roaming This week Monty Don’s in Yorkshire, and today Jimmy Saville gives him a tour of Scarborough. Aieeee! Run away! My brother used to think that Jimmy Saville’s first name was Jimmull...

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.02 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 LA Doctors 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Speechless 5.30 5 News ...because of Jim’ll Fix It. So when he was going to write in to ask if he could go in a formula one car he was going to start, ‘Dear Jimmull, please...’. Idiot.

6.00 BBC News; Weather 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X Ray I’m sure someone told me an interesting(ish) fact about this show last week but I’ll be buggered if I can remember what it is now.

7.30 Holiday Craig Doyle reports from New York in the run-up to Christmas, and Jeremy Sheffield goes on a South African safari. Who’s Jeremy Sheffield? Anyone?

Office: “...?”. Cheers.

8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Judge John Deed Powerful drama series about an uncompromising High Court judge. Two words: Monkfish QC. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Life After Love Selfindulgent mope-fest featuring various recent relationship losers griping about how crap it is being single. Well bloody get back with your ex and stop whinging.

11.15 FILM: Greedy Film Desk – your thoughts? “I haven’t seen it, obviously.

But it’s about waiting for rich relatives to die.” Thanks Film Desk. Have you ever done that? “Wait for rich family members to die? No, I just kill them – it’s much quicker that way.” Yeah, cheers.

1.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons Lisa fears she is genetically predisposed to lose her intelligence. Sounds like most of TV Desk...

6.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons 6.45 Farscape 7.30 From Here to Modernity 8.00 University Challenge I scored 15 points on the round about lighthouses last week. But I’m not sure that’s anything to be proud of.

8.30 Charlie's Gardening Neighbours 9.00 The Kumars at No 42 Still haven’t seen any of this new Monday night comedy faff. But a family discussion over the weekend gleaned the following comments: “very good” (incisive).

9.30 Dr Terrible's House of Horrible “Shite” (equally pithy and informed).

10.00 Mr Charity “Rubbish” (terse, harsh but possibly fair) 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Warzone Harold Evans profiles Rudy Giuliani, New York’s controversial mayor, who is enjoying phenomenal popularity at the end of his final term of office. Well, he’s had an, er, interesting year – to say the least.

12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Ferret 8.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Chris Tarrant hosts a high-octane version of the popular quiz show Who Wants To Sit Motionless In The Dark For Sixteen Hours?

9.00 Cold Feet Adam decides to have one last hurrah before fatherhood.

Pete and Jo become closer and closer. ::polite cough:: Is this really as good as everyone makes out? Or am I just a loser if I don’t watch it?

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 The World at Their Feet 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 The Premiership Is this still shit? “Even worse than it used to be,” chips in YTS Sports Desk.

12.35 UEFA Champions League Weekly 1.00 Nationwide Football League Extra 1.40 Young, Gifted and Broke 2.05 Trisha 3.05 The Web Review 3.30 Box Office America 3.55 ITV Sport Classics 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Ma' Ifan 'Ma 8.30 Pobl y Glannau 9.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 FILM: Desperate Measures 12.30 Today at the Test: India v England 1.00 Going Critical 1.30 Crime Scene Cleaner 2.30 Football Italia 3.30 FILM: Conflict

6.00 Home and Away Gypsy is stunned to learn that Harry is back in the bay with Shauna. Is ‘back in the bay’ a euphemism? Well, anyway, fnarr, eh?

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 The Best of the X Games “Brilliant” shrieks overexcitable branch of TV Desk skulking in unfeasibly baggy trousers and a dog collar.

7.30 5 News 8.00 Floyd's India Keith prepares the UK favourites tandoori chicken and lamb rogan josh. Call me a nutbag, but I think Biryanis rule. But if someone wants to buy me a different curry to prove me wrong just call in at the office. Fourth floor of the Union, you know where to find me....

8.30 Hot Property 9.00 FILM: F/X – Murder

by Illusion “Not bad actually,” concedes Film Desk.

11.10 outTHERE 11.45 The Others 12.35 The Pepsi Chart 12.40 NFL Update 1.20 Now is the Time: Night of Combat – Kick Boxing 2.20 Ironman Triathlon 3.05 The Monster Challenge – Boston Triathlon 3.30 European Drag Racing Championship 3.55 Motorsport Mundial 4.20 Dutch Football: Ajax v Vitesse Arnhem

CH4. As S4C except: 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Boy Meets World 10.00 10.50 11.40 Nikki 12.05 Nikki 12.30 Cheers 12.55 All Sorts! 1.20 FILM: The Small Back Room 3.15 Don Roaming 4.15 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Turner Prize 1533 8.00 Arctic Adventurers: Alone on the Ice 9.00 Secrets of the Dead: Mystery of Zulu Dawn 10.00 FILM: True Romance 12.20 Today at the Test: India v England 12.55 Shooting Gallery 1.15 In Search of Mike 1.30 Butterfly World 1.45 Zen and the Art of Landscaping 2.10 Maisie's Catch 2.25 FILM: In the Bleak Midwinter 4.05 FILM: Before I Hang 5.05 Down the Tube

Life After Love BBC 1 10.35pm

The Kumars At No 42 BBC 2 9.00pm

Cold Feet ITV 9.00pm

FILM: True Romance Channel 4 10.00pm

CHOICE From Here To Modernity BBC2, 7.30pm BBC2 likes a bit of architectural history and this three-part jaunt through Modernist architecture should be suitably highbrow to set you up for University Challenge afterwards but so taxing that GRiP

you don’t learn a bit about post-WW2 building in Britain.

Being a bit of a billy-know-nothing when it comes to architecture, I’m not really sure what Modernist architecture actually is. But you can be fairly sure that it’s nothing to do with Wimpey starter homes or generic shopping malls. Probably houses made of glass or shaped like distant constellations or something. Bloody showboating architects....

Monday 3 December

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

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03.12.01

Television

4 December

Tuesday

The Naked Chef BBC 2 8.30pm

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Crimewatch Daily 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Perfect Partner 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Angelmouse 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 Dennis the Menace 4.10 Rugrats 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Tad and Flick get mixed signals. Is this sexual tension? No, of course not! It’s just a foggy day at the semaphore training school. Ahem, sorry about that – bit of a silly mood today. Look out for gags.

6.00 Open University 7.00 Smurfs' Adventures 7.25 Casper 7.45 Blue Peter 8.10 Oakie Doke 8.20 Fireman Sam 8.30 Noddy in Toyland 9.00 Tweenies Christmas Countdown; Tweenies 9.40 Playdays 10.00 Teletubbies 10.50 Schools 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Oakie Doke 1.10 FILM: The Magnificent Two “Clearly not as good as The Magnificent Seven but better than The Magnificent One,” says Film Desk, talking bollocks as usual. 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 Esther 4.30 Happy Birthday Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 The Biggest Game in Town 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Second World War in Colour 2.10 Crossroads 2.40 Wheel of Fortune 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Mopatop’s Shop 3.25 Merlin the Magical Puppy 3.35 The Twins 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.10 Hey Arnold! 4.35 24Seven 5.05 Night and Day 5.30 Crossroads Q: What’s red and invisible? A: No tomatoes. Ahahahaaaaaaa!

What? What? Well, I thought it was funny....

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.35 Boy Meets World 10.00 ER 10.55 ER 11.45 Postmodern Pastimes 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Adfent 12.45 Planed Plant: Stori Fach 1.00 Planed Plant: Bryn Seren 1.15 In Search of Mythical Monsters 1.45 A Place in the Sun 2.15 Location, Location, Location 2.45 Richard and Judy 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Yr Awr Cyn Y Wawr 5.30 Don Roaming Itinerant gardener Monty Don turns his hand to gutting fish in Whitby. And we’re meant to watch this?

Ah, bite me.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.02 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 LA Doctors 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Always Remember I Love You “That’s all well and good but it’s equally important to remember the Green Cross Code and not to take sweets from strangers,” warns Film Desk. 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Animal Hospital An idea mooted by an acquaintance of TV Desk this week was that this show should feature Rolf Harris bringing a badly maimed family pet (or just random roadkill) into the vet’s surgery and asking the immortal question, ‘Can you tell what it is yet?’ An interactive version would see viewers winning small prizes for correctly identifying the hapless creatures.

7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Linda Green 9.30 Life of Grime Special: The Grime Files Featuring mice droppings on poppadoms, beetle-infested pizzas, sliced rodent and contaminated poultry.

CUNT! Oh, sorry, thought this was Jamie Oliver already....

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 You Only Live Once 11.05 FILM: Wagons East!

“Absolutely criminal that this pile of shite was the great John Candy’s last film,” sighs Film Desk.

12.50 Sign Two: See Hear on Saturday 1.35 Sign Two: Blood of the Vikings 2.25 Sign Two: Wild Africa 3.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Star Trek: Voyager 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 To the Manor Born 8.00 Gary Rhodes Hot Cheshire pork pies, smoky lentil soup and warm mini Dundee Cakes with whiskey sabayon make up a truly unusual Sunday lunch.

Bollocks to that, where are those little sausages with bacon wrapped round them?

That’s a Sunday lunch.

8.30 The Naked Chef With barbecue recipes for brunch breads, yoghurt with blueberry and elderflower and salmon with herbs in newspaper. What? Why? That’s just words, that’s not a menu. Oliver, you CUNT. 9.00 Blood of the Vikings 9.50 Stella Street 10.00 Back to the Floor: Women’s Prison USA 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Warzone Roger Bolton chairs a debate in which a distinguished panel of eminent Islamic scholars analyses the complex meaning of the word ‘jihad’.

Oh, no, wait – don’t tell me.

This was a question in Trivial Pursuits the other day. It’s, er...erm...oh, yes! It’s that big sheet of fluff you get off the filter in a tumble dryer? Yes? Oh, apparently it isn’t. I wondered why I didn’t get the little coloured cheese for that one....

12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Cynthia is concerned about Ray’s influence on Danny. All I’ll say about the matter is that it’s a shame about Ray. Sorry.

7.30 Welsh in Australia Featuring two Welshmen whose jobs involve riding Harley Davidsons or cruising Sydney Harbour. That, in my opinion, is not a job. But then I’m just bitter....

8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Chris Tarrant presents an intellectual version of the popular quiz Who Wants To Beat Someone Over The Head With A Fire Extinguisher Until Their Eyes Turn To Jelly?

8.30 House of Horrors Builders as opposed to say, er, vampires. Or ghouls.

9.00 The Bill 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League Highlights 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Top Sport 12.35 Take the Mike 1.05 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League: Arsenal v Juventus 2.45 World Sport 3.05 Racing Arrows 3.35 Nationwide Football League Extra 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Cerdyn Post 8.30 Y Ffair Aeaf 9.00 Y Stafell Ddirgel 10.00 It's a Girl Thing Fashion shows are fairly pointless at the best of times but this one really takes the proverbial biscuit because it’s dressed up as a sitcom/soap opera sort of thing. WHY? 10.30 The Sopranos 11.45 Sleepers: Undercover with the Racists 12.45 Today at the Test: India v England 1.20 Frasier 1.50 Adam and Joe's American Animation Adventure

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Rejected

by Jim, Cat hits the bottle.

Alcoholism among pets is a growing problem and I’m glad this fine show has decided to address this pressing issue.

7.00 Great Artists Raphael was a favourite of the papal court with his many studies of the Madonna. If anyone even thinks about mentioning those Turtles they’re going to get the gun clap. Big time.

7.30 5 News 8.00 Invisible Terror Disturbing documentarystyle drama reconstructing the possible effects of a chemical and biological attack on mainland Britain over a period of eight days.

Didn’t every other channel do this about four weeks ago?

9.00 FILM: FX2 – The Deadly Art of Illusion “That’s clever, that is – because the first film was on yesterday,” realises slightly backwards Film Desk.

11.10 The History of Punishment and Torture Any programme with ducking stools in it gets my seal of approval.

12.10 La Femme Nikita 1.00 NFL Game of the Week: Jacksonville Jaguars v Green Bay Packers 4.20 Argentinian Football

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Ivor the Engine 6.05 6.30 7.00 9.00 12.30 Nikki 12.55 Cheers 1.25 Home Sweet Home 1.35 FILM: The Catered Affair 3.15 Don Roaming 4.15 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Shipwrecked 3 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Turner Prize 1843 8.00 It's a Girl Thing 8.30 Driven 9.00 Faking It 10.00 FILM: Leon 12.05 Today at the Test: India v England 12.40 Adam and Joe's American Animation Adventure 3.00 Football Italia - Mezzanotte 4.45 Sleepers: Undercover with the Racists 5.40 Powerhouse

Evening

Tuesday 4 December

The Bill ITV 9.00pm

BBC 1

Daytime

Today’s Highlights

A Life Of Grime Special BBC 1 9.30pm

20

FILM: Leon Channel 4 10.00pm

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CHOICE Back To The Floor: Women’s Prison USA BBC2, 10.00pm

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GRiP

John Ferguson, the boss of the world's largest private prison company, Corrections Corporation of America, joins the guards at a US women's prison.

Although he has never worked as a guard before, he previously saved the company from bankruptcy and is now looking at whether prison guards can be replaced by computers.

Hmm, yes, so this guy is a glorified accountant and he wants to leave a bunch of microchips in charge of violent, be-mulletted ladies, right? They might be efficient but will they have the,er, bedside manner of the Prisoner Cell Block H staff?

03.12.01

Television

21

5 December

Wednesday S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Crimewatch Daily 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Perfect Partner 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Angelmouse 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 Dennis the Menace 4.10 Jackie Chan Adventures 4.30 The Borrowers 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Toadie and Joel get dirty for charity. In a more prurient time we would have greeted this with a fnarr. But no more!

6.00 Open University 6.30 Seal Secrets 7.00 Smurfs' Adventures 7.25 Casper 7.45 SMart 8.10 Bob the Builder 8.20 Fireman Sam 8.30 Noddy in Toyland 9.00 Tweenies Christmas Countdown; Tweenies 9.40 Playdays 10.00 Teletubbies 10.50 Schools 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bob the Builder 1.10 FILM: The Face on the Milk Carton 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News; Regional News (Digital: UK Today); Weather 4.00 Awash with Colour 4.30 Happy Birthday Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link Wednesday’s guest...

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 The Biggest Game in Town 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Second World War in Colour 2.10 Crossroads 2.40 Wheel of Fortune 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 The Twins 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.10 Hey Arnold!

4.35 24Seven 5.05 Night and Day 5.30 Crossroads ...listings writer is Helme Jøhannson, scriptwriter for such quite literally seminal...

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.35 Boy Meets World 10.00 ER 10.50 ER 11.45 Postmodern Pastimes 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Adfent 12.45 Planed Plant: Sionyn 1.00 Planed Plant: ABC 1.15 A Place in the Sun 1.45 Grand Designs Revisited 2.45 Richard and Judy 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 5.15 Ffeil 5.30 Don Roaming ...movies as Curtain Magnet 3, Council Estate Mouth Action and Lord Of The Rings. An extraordinary man.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.02 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 LA Doctors 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: This Girl for Hire I think this might be one of Helme’s as well. Given that it’s on Channel 5 this would make sense. Ah! Here he comes now. Go Helme! 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 This Is Your Life Michael Aspel gives an unsuspecting individual an evening they’ll never forget.

Includes graphic anal and facial cumshots. Previously banned in Devon.

7.30 The Bench Legal – but only just – drama series. The youngest lawyers allowed on video, these boys and girls will suck anyone dry!

8.00 The Weakest Link: TV Medics Special Veteran star ‘Aunt Annie’ in what might be her most hardcore performance yet. Trapped in a hospital full of bored and horny medical practitioners, what’s there to do but sucky fucky the night away!?!?

Features the legendary ‘glove with 50 drawing pins in it’.

8.45 Jet Set Departure Lounge 9.00 Tom Jones Live at Cardiff Castle 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Band of Brothers 11.35 The Practice 12.25 Sign:One: Panorama 1.05 Sign:One: Watchdog 1.35 Sign:One: Antiques Roadshow 2.20 Sign:One: Living with Cancer 3.00 Sign:One: Holiday 3.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 TOTP 2 Retro porn epic set in the seedy world of pop music. Includes a breathtaking mano a mano rimfest that will have fans of Frankie Goes To Hollywood and REM wide-eyed!

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 A Question of Sport Suzi Barker embarks on a quest to teach young men the ins and outs of sex. Ally McMoist and John Parrott (star of the acclaimed Scouse Suckers series) struggle to keep up. Ach! Like to bang!

8.00 Home Front Lovers of messiness will be hard for this. Two painters and decorators dip more than just their brushes when a lonely housewife invites them over – and they never leave a job unfinished!

9.00 Wild Africa: Jungle Officially I’ve never heard of this but – and keep this to yourself – I got a couple of copies in a flat in Islington.

Off a man in Belgium. And that’s all I’m going to say.

Except that real sickos will go for this like a train!

9.50 Taboo: Looks that Kill See hot teen Preview HERE! 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Warzone 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Marginally toned-down version of lauded DIY job Fat Farm Girls Will Try Anything Once.

7.30 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League Live: Manchester United v Boavista 9.45 The Way They Were – Rock and Pop Footage of today's stars – when they were making a living from performances they now wish could be buried. Suffice to say that Lulu’s mildly racy Up With Miniskirts! film will cause her considerably less humiliation than Donny Osmond’s Your Wife? I Thought It Was My Brother!.

10.45 ITV News at Ten 11.15 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League Highlights 12.25 FILM: Police Academy: Mission to Moscow “Disappointing, frankly, after the quality of the first 17 outings” – Ford.

Warning! Not pornographic.

1.55 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League: Roma v Liverpool 3.30 ITV Sport Classics 4.00 Judge Judy 4.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Trafferth Mewn Tafarn 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Swallow Sounds promising, ja? 10.20 Brookside 10.50 Brookside 11.20 Ally McBeal 12.20 Together Again 12.50 Today at the Test: India v England 1.20 The Cut with Jo Whiley I’m sure there’s a letter missing from this title. 2.05 Football Italia 3.50 FILM: The Private Life of Henry VIII

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs For real freaks and/or people from Gloucester. Inter-family fucking that’ll leave you feeling drained and slightly dirty.

7.00 The Movie Chart Show Steve McKenna presents film news, reviews, and the US and UK box-office charts.

Features absolutely nothing of any interest to me whatsoever.

7.30 5 News 8.00 FILM: Married to a Stranger “I’d imagine it’s set in a trailer park” – Ford.

Some of the best films are, honey. This isn’t one of them.

9.45 FILM: The Base “Certainly a better way of spending two hours than doing community or charitybased work,” says Ford.

Although if you want to help others and feel good, why not become a fluffer on the sets of one of my videos? Contact me via the GR office and I’ll make you a star, baby, a star I tell you. PS: you may be forced to have sex with me.

11.40 outTHERE 12.10 NHL Ice Hockey Live: Colorado Avalanches v Detroit Red Wings 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay: New York Rangers v Washington Capitals

CH4. As S4C except:12.30 Nikki 12.55 Cheers 1.25 Home Sweet Home 1.35 FILM: Mystery Street 3.15 Don Roaming 4.15 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Shipwrecked 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 The Turner Prize 1872 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Brookside 9.00 10.20 Ally McBeal 11.25 Today at the Test: India v England 11.55 4 Music: The Cut with Jo Whiley 12.45 4 Music: Pioneers 1.05 4 Music: David Gray – Live 2.05 FILM: The Monster That Challenged the World 3.35 FIVB Beach Volleyball World Tour Always worth a peek. May feature spiders’ legs. 4.00 Trans World Sport 4.55 Powerhouse 5.20 Countdown

The National Lottery Jet Set BBC 1 8.45pm

Taboo BBC 2 9.50pm

The Big Match

ITV 7.30pm

Brookside Channel 4 8.00pm

CHOICE Taboo: Looks That Kill BBC2, 9.50pm An agreeably appropriate choice for today, as the first two episodes of this programme featured a male erection (albeit pixellated out) and an interview with hardcore porn GRiP

luminary Ben Dover. This time around, Joan Bakewell – and what a wonderful world we live in which can allow the mumsy radio commentator to stare at a boner on national television – explores the history of censorship and examines what is considered taboo in our modern world.

The focus is more on violence than sex, however, as Joan meets people who have

Wednesday 5 December

HTV

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

tested the limits of what is acceptable, including film-makers whose work has been banned and artists with an interest in violence and sadomasochism. GR hasn’t seen a preview tape of this (not that we get sent them, we just wanted to imply that we did to sound important) but it seems safe to assume that Chris Cunningham, Stanley Kubrick and the Chapman brothers feature.

03.12.01

Television

6 December

Thursday

George, Marks and Sparks BBC 2 9.00pm

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Crimewatch Daily 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Perfect Partner 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Angelmouse 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 Dennis the Menace 4.10 Rugrats 4.35 Hollywood 7 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Karl plans to set up his own surgery. A bit belated this, but can I just say hello to whoever it was at Disco Stu’s Halloween bash who was wearing a white coat, Karl Kennedy mask and a big badge saying...

6.00 Open University 7.00 Smurfs' Adventures 7.25 Casper 7.45 Blue Peter 8.10 Dr Otter 8.20 Fireman Sam 8.30 Noddy in Toyland 9.00 Tweenies Christmas Countdown; Tweenies 9.40 Playdays 10.00 Teletubbies 10.50 Schools 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Dr Otter 1.10 FILM: The Ranger, the Cook and a Hole in the Sky 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3.30 Esther 4.30 Happy Birthday Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link ...‘Karl Kennedy bites your face’.

Awesome costume, mate.

Does he really bite faces? I had no idea....

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 The Biggest Game in Town 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 The Farmer Wants a Wife 2.10 Crossroads 2.40 Wheel of Fortune 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Merlin the Magical Puppy 3.35 The Twins 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.10 Hey Arnold! 4.35 24Seven 5.05 Night and Day 5.30 Crossroads Thursday’s gag: Q: Guess who I bumped into at the opticians? A: Everyone! ::sigh:: Sorry about that.

Complaints to the usual address.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.35 Boy Meets World 10.00 ER 10.50 ER 11.45 Supporting Acts 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Adfent 12.45 Planed Plant: Bibi 1.00 Planed Plant: Ty Rhys 1.15 Churchill's Secret Army 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Richard and Judy 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Uned 5 5.30 Don Roaming Monty Don visits York. In the words of the great John Hegley: “I went round the railway museum in York. There were plenty of trains...but it was quicker to walk.” Yes, it’s a poem, you philistines.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.02 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 LA Doctors 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: White Water Rebels 5.25 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.30 5 News All the latest news about the number five. Including a feature examining how five is still the most popular number of toes.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Watchdog Since when did Nicky Campbell present this? Bit of a comedown after the dizzy heights of, er, Wheel of Fortune and, um, Radio 5.

7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Kenyon Confronts Kenyon looks at the murky world of greyhound racing.

Mine’s a monkey on Lucky Lady in the 5.30 at Dagenham. (Don’t be daft, monkeys can’t ride dogs – Literal Ed) 8.30 Walking with Beasts: Next of Kin 9.00 Tamzin Outhwaite Goes Wild with Dolphins The highlight of this whole programme is the fact that the cover of the Radio Times this week carries a picture of Tamzin Outhwaite stroking a dolphin (a little bit suggestively, truth be told) under the headline ‘Deep Enders’. Now if that isn’t the rudest thing since rudery was invented then I’m a Dutchman.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Film 2001 with Jonathan Ross 12.05 Liquid News 12.40 FILM: Dancing with Danger 2.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The New Adventures of Superman 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Reel Time: Scott 8.00 Dragon's Eye I used to think this sounded like a rather rude euphemism. And you know what? I still do.

Sad really....

8.30 What Not to Wear A mother of four, renowned among her friends for her appallingly mismatched and risque dress sense, gets a frank appraisal from Trinny and Susannah. ‘Trinny and Susannah’ used to have a whole page devoted to their vacuous sartorial witterings in the Telegraph on Saturdays. They were shit there and I’m sure they’ll be equally annoying here. But don’t take my word for it.

9.00 Trouble at the Top Special edition of the series about ailing businesses, focusing on the recent appointment of George Davies at Marks and Spencer. Maybe M&S would be better off if they didn’t spend all their money on getting Zoe Ball to do their adverts. Still, it’s worth it to see Pinsent and Redgrave do that Morecambe and Wise dance. Genius.

10.00 attachments 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Network East Late 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale The Daggerts’ home is saved at the eleventh hour, but who is the new landlord? I think it’s TV funnyman Stan Boardman. But I could be wrong.

7.30 Wales This Week 8.00 Coronation Street 8.30 Peak Practice 9.30 The Farmer Wants a Wife Series following 12 farmers looking for love.

Philip goes through his letters and invites his number-one choice Pauline to Ascot for the day. Disaster strikes for William. I’m assuming that the fact that this programme is getting earlier every week means that people actually care about these farming loners.

Do me a favour.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 Night and Day Will and Mike decide to set up a business and go it alone. ‘Go it alone’? Fnarr....

11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Sharp End 12.00 The Night Before The Morning After 12.35 Young, Gifted and Broke 1.00 Days like These 1.25 CD:UK 2.20 ITV at the Festivals 2001 3.10 Cybernet 3.40 Judge Judy 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Brodyr Bach Hosted by the Welsh Chuckle Brothers.

Watch out for the mullets and nasty slip-on shoes.

8.30 Ar y Bocs 9.00 Secrets of the Dead: Mystery of Zulu Dawn 10.00 Driven 10.30 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 11.35 Eurotrash 12.05 Today at the Test: India v England 12.35 Murder in Paradise 1.35 Action 2.05 Third Watch 2.55 Third Watch 3.45 FILM: Footsteps in the Dark

6.00 Home and Away Jade and Kirsty vie for their father's affection. Not, you know, like that I hope. If you see what I mean.

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 The Pepsi Chart 7.30 5 News 7.45 UEFA Cup Football: Inter Milan v Ipswich Town Sports Desk – your thoughts?

“1-1, Ipswich to progress in fairytale fashion,” says Pearlo. Thanks Pearlo.

“Would you like to know a fact about Ipswich?” Oh, go on then, Pearlo. “Ipswich have got two strikers called Marcus. And two strikers with the surname Bent. But they’re not the same people.”

Thank you, Pearlo, I was not aware of that.

10.05 The World's Most Dangerous Police Videos Real-life police dramas captured on video. These include a terrifying shootout with officers saved by their bulletproof vests. You’ll have to get Bravo if you want the best police videos. The host is worth the subscription price alone.

11.05 Sex and Shopping: Rio 12.05 European Blue Review 12.35 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 1.20 UEFA Cup Football: Inter Milan v Ipswich Town 2.55 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v Herenveen 4.30 Argentinian Football

CH4. As S4C except: 11.45 Supporting Acts 12.30 Nikki 12.55 Cheers 1.25 Home Sweet Home 1.35 FILM: The Wrong Arm of the Law 3.15 Don Roaming 4.15 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Shipwrecked Extra 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 The Turner Prize 1927 8.00 Grand Designs 9.00 Sleepers: Undercover in the Sex Trade 10.00 Eurotrash 10.30 The Sopranos 11.35 The Comedy Lab 12.40 Action 1.05 4 Later: Late Night Poker 2.35 4 Later: onedottv 3.05 Football Italia – Mezzanotte 4.50 Powerhouse 5.15 Countdown

Evening

Thursday 6 December

The Farmer Wants a Wife ITV 9.30pm

BBC 1

Daytime

Today’s Highlights

Walking With Beasts BBC 1 8.30pm

22

Sleepers Channel 4 9.00pm

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CHOICE Sleepers: Undercover In The Sex Trade Channel 4, 9.00pm

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

GRiP

Continuing Channel 4’s series of in-depth, undercover reportage, this edition looks at Britain’s sex industry. It’s hardly the stuff of Eurotrash with,

for instance, lots of jolly eccentrics dressing up as oversized babies. Instead, it’s a rather disturbing look at saunas, pimping, massage parlours and sundry other insalubrious activities.

Trouble is, apart from providing an insight into the ‘social undergrowth’ (as it were) you have to wonder what else the programme achieves. Will it force policy changes or legalise brothels? Probably not.

So is it just voyeurism dressed up? Hmm....

03.12.01

Television

23

7 December

Friday

Evening

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Crimewatch Daily 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Perfect Partner 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Angelmouse 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 Dennis the Menace 4.10 Super Duper Sumos 4.35 Record Breakers 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Susan becomes suspicious of a new school council member. Toadie and Joel's smelly reign comes to an end. What? I wish I understood what this was about. Although maybe it’s more fun just guessing.

6.00 Open University 7.00 The Puppy’s New Adventures 7.25 Casper 7.45 SMart 8.10 Bill and Ben 8.20 Fireman Sam 8.30 Noddy in Toyland 9.00 Tweenies Christmas Countdown; Tweenies 9.40 Playdays 10.00 Teletubbies 10.50 Schools 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bill and Ben 1.10 Tennis: Seniors Honda Challenge 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 Esther 4.30 Happy Birthday Ready, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link Today’s joke? There were two goldfish in a tank and one said to the other, ‘How d’you drive this thing then?’. Think about it....

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 The Biggest Game in Town 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Catchphrase 2.10 Village People 2.40 Passion for Fashion 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 The Twins 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.10 Hey Arnold!

4.35 24Seven 5.05 Nuts and Bolts 5.30 The Biggest Game in Town Ginormous Hungry Hippos devour half of Chipping Sodbury’s town hall – causing all manner of chaos and traffic fuckery.

6.00 The Magic Roundabout 6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.35 Boy Meets World 10.00 ER 10.50 ER 11.40 Supporting Acts 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Adfent Ooh! Does this mean ‘advent’?

See, it’s a piece of piss this Cymraeg business. Not sure about the programme at 5 o’clock though. 12.45 Planed Plant: Sali Mali 1.00 Planed Plant: Joshua Jones 1.15 Extremes 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Richard and Judy 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 5.15 Na Dderyn 5.30 Don Roaming

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.02 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 LA Doctors 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Joe Dancer – the Big Black Pill “That’s not a title – that’s just a whole pile of words thrown at the page,” scorns Film Desk. Now, now – I’m sure it will make perfect sense. 5.25 Russell Grant’s Postcards 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Celebrity Ready, Steady, Cook Fern Britton teams up with her husband, chef Phil Vickery, against John Leslie and Ross Burden. Banzai! Fight!

7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 My Family When his daughter becomes the subject of unwelcome advances by a patient's son, Ben decides to develop an interest in opera.

Clearly this is the only logical thing to do if you’re stuck in a parallel sitcom universe. Anyone else would simply batter the miscreant.

Wouldn’t they?

9.00 Have I Got News for You 9.30 Gimme Gimme Gimme 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 large 11.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Guests include Kelly Jones from The Stereophonics. ::shudder:: 11.45 Alistair McGowan's Big Impression 12.15 The Stand-Up Show 12.45 LA Pool Party 1.35 FILM: The River Rat “Some sort of excon drama thing. With Tommy Lee-Jones,” mumbles Film Desk.

3.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Robot Wars 6.45 Scrum V Live 9.00 We Stand Alone Together – The Men of Easy Company Moving documentary accompanying the World War II drama series Band of Brothers, featuring interviews with the real-life ‘Easy Company’.

10.20 Trade Secrets Dog experts come clean with secret ways to cope with your pet in any situation. What, any situation? Even, say, spontaneous combustion?

Cool.

10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Astley's Way Jools Holland explores the life and work of composer Edwin Astley, at one time Britain’s most performed composer, who wrote the themes for many classic television programmes. I thought for a minute this was going to be about Rick Astley. Sadly, I was as wrong as is humanly possible. Still, TV themes are always cool. Have a quick look at www.themez.com (or co.uk, I can’t remember) to get your fill of Dogtanian, Willy Fogg and any other crappy cartoons that make you go all misty-eyed.

12.05 The X Files 12.50 Trevor Nelson's Urban Choice 1.20 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 2.05 Robot Wars Extreme 3.00 Key Skills Resource Bank

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Kathy is horrified when Elsa reveals she is taking Alice to Australia. I’ve never known ‘taking Alice to Australia’ to be used as a cover for some sort of naughty activity but, because all the soaps have been disappointingly smutfree this week, it’s going to have to merit a fnarr.

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Rich and Famous 8.30 The Bill 9.30 Life after the Street Documentary following the highs and lows of Coronation Street's most memorable residents, revealing the stars' recollections and what they have made of their lives since leaving Weatherfield. Let’s see some more of Adam Rickitt’s armpits – they’ve been missing from our screens recently.

10.30 Tarrant on TV 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Barry Welsh is Coming Could be ace. 12.00 Ghost Stories 12.30 Dial-a-Date 1.00 The World's Most Incredible Animal Rescues 1.50 New Music Television 2.20 That Prezzie Show 2.45 Take the Mike 3.10 Box Office America 3.35 World Football 4.00 Trisha 5.00 ITV Nightscreen

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Cefn Gwlad: John Glant Griffiths 8.30 Yma Mae 'Nghan 9.00 Friends 9.30 Will and Grace 10.00 Brookside 10.35 So Graham Norton 11.30 Sex and the City 12.00 Today at the Test: India v England 12.35 The Fugitive 1.30 Thumb Bandits 2.00 The Comedy Lab 2.30 Hotsand: FIVB Beach Volleyball World Tour 2001 3.00 FILM: The Good Die Young

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Before going to Spain, Pete bars Cat from the pub. Quite right too.

She can share an empty icecream tub full of warm water with the alsatians in the beer garden.

7.00 Toyota World of Wildlife Featuring the giant otters of South America, the Californian condors resident in the Grand Canyon and the wide open space of the Gobi Desert. Do you think those condors are golden? Like that one of out Mysterious Cities of Gold? I’d like one of those for Christmas.

7.30 5 News 8.00 Pearl Harbor Documentary, not shit film.

9.00 FILM: Against All Odds “Rather pointless remake of a film that was probably quite dull in the first place,” slurs sleephungry Film Desk.

11.20 FILM: Power Play ‘Erotic drama’ it says here.

Splendid.

1.00 FILM: Deadly Care “Drug-addled nurse does, er, drugs and stuff,” gibbers Film Desk.

2.40 FILM: Young Dillinger 4.20 Oceania 4.45 Police Academy - The Series Mini-series based on films are always bad. So this has got to be bad to the power ten. 5.30 Okavango

CH4. As S4C except: 12.30 Nikki 12.55 Home Sweet Home 1.10 FILM: Bonnie Prince Charlie 3.15 Don Roaming 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 The Fugitive 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 ALTTV - Love Sophie 8.00 In Search of Mythical Monsters: Giant Sloth 8.30 Brookside 9.00 Friends 9.30 Will and Grace 10.00 Frasier 10.30 So Graham Norton 11.25 Sex and the City 11.55 Today at the Test: India v England 12.30 Thumb Bandits 1.00 The Cut with Jo Whiley 1.50 Pets 2.05 Mondo Macabro World's Weirdest Movies 2.35 FILM: Warrior 4.05 4.55 Powerhouse 5.20 Countdown

EastEnders BBC 1 8.00pm

We Stand Alone Together

BBC 2 9.00pm

Life After The Street ITV 9.30pm

Will and Grace Channel 4 9.30pm

CHOICE Friends Channel 4, 9.00pm All good things must come to an end. And so must Friends. Stop! Don’t shoot! Jeez, calm down.

All right, Friends still manages to be very GRiP

sharp and seems to get the balance of clever/dumb humour just about right but remember, kids – it’s not the be all and end all of TV comedy.

But whatever I say you’re still going to tune in to tonight’s episode because Chandler and Monica are finally getting married. And everyone loves a wedding, don’t they (don’t answer – rhetorical question)?

Friday 7 December

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

Look out for cameos from the likes of Gary Oldman and Kathleen Turner. And, naturally, there’ll be all manner of hand-wringing, heartrending, life-affirming shenanigans before an undoubtedly happy ending and, equally naturally, some sort of end of series cliffhanger. I’m sure someone told me what the cliff-hanger was the other day. Or maybe I was dreaming....

03.12.01

Television

8 December

Saturday

Brookside Channel 4 5.05pm

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

7.00 Tweenies Christmas Countdown; Little Bear 7.30 Brum 7.40 Fix and Foxi 7.50 Flint the Time Detective 8.15 Bruno the Kid 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 Football Focus 12.50 BBC News 1.00 Grandstand 1.05 Rugby Union 1.20 Racing 1.40 Sn**ker: UK Championship 1.55 Racing 2.10 Sn**ker: UK Championship 2.30 Racing from Chepstow 2.45 Seniors Tennis 3.45 Football 3.55 Sn**ker: UK Championship 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.25 BBC News 5.40 Wales Today 5.45 Natural Bloomers Cast your eyes Preview-wards for more tip-top info.

7.00 Weekend 24 9.00 FILM: You'll Find Out 10.35 Looking Good Tricks 10.50 See Hear on Saturday 11.35 The Phil Silvers Show 12.00 Stingray 12.25 Star Trek 1.15 Science Shack 1.45 Home Front Tricks 1.55 FILM: Seance on a Wet Afternoon “Better than Scrabble,” reckons Film Desk 3.45 FILM: And Then There Were None 5.20 TOTP 2 Artists include Kim Wilde, Everything But the Girl, REM, Bucks Fizz, Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Donny Osmond. Yeah, very nice. But it’s just a repeat of Wednesday’s show.

And Bucks Fizz twice a week is quite enough for me, thanks very much.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 On the Ball 1.20 ITV News; Weather 1.25 HTV News and Weather 1.30 Digimon 2.00 Hey Arnold! 2.25 New Scooby Doo Mysteries 2.40 Animal Stories 2.50 FILM: Black Beauty 4.20 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News and Weather 5.20 ITV News, Weather 5.30 Challenge of a Lifetime In this edition, a hairdresser from Croydon must climb to the top of a hot-air balloon 3,000 feet above the Austrian countryside. Well, at least she’ll have something interesting to talk about when it comes to her ‘doing anything nice for your holidays?’ spiel at work.

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 Blue's Clues 7.05 Masters Football 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Shipwrecked 3 10.30 Shipwrecked 3 11.00 Scrapheap Challenge 12.00 Planed Plant: Adfent 12.15 Planed Plant: Caio 12.30 Stargate SG-1 1.30 Channel 4 Racing from Sandown Park and Wetherby 4.00 New York 5.00 Newyddion News 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi A very red-faced man accosted me in the Woody on Wednesday and tried to persuade me to go to the rugby with him. I declined, explaining that ‘egg-chasing is rubbish’. And I thought he was going to hit me. See what rugby does to you?...

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 WideWorld 7.00 ITN News Channel 7.30 Milkshake! 7.35 Redwall 8.00 The Powerpuff Girls 8.15 FILM: The Whipping Boy 10.00 USA High 10.30 Date That 11.00 Core News 11.05 Edgemont 11.30 The Academy 12.00 5 News at Lunchtime 12.10 Home and Away Omnibus 2.15 Atlantis High 2.45 The Core 2.55 The Pepsi Chart 3.30 Harry and Cosh 3.55 School 4.55 Dark Knight 5.55 5 News and Sport ...it makes you think you’re dead fit but actually you’re a fat boorish, er, bore with no manners. Sorry, bit het up about it. I’ll stop now.

6.15 Friends like These Features a new ‘play at home’ round: ‘Can you see where Ian Wright’s charisma has gone?’ It’s a toughie.

Although not as tough as watching Vinnie Jones taking part in an Andrew Lloyd Webber medley during the Royal Variety Show last week. That was absolute fucking torture.

7.10 The Waiting Game Ruby Wax was on the Variety Show too. And she was shite as well. Come to think of it, why was I even watching in the first place? God, I’d be gutted if I’d watched an hour and a half of the Variety show before realising what I was doing.

7.50 The National Lottery Jet Set 8.25 Casualty Tonight’s Casualty odds: chemical spill near school (9-1); ladderbased mishap (5-2); secretly pregnant schoolgirl with abusive father (2-1 on).

9.15 BBC News; Weather 9.30 FILM: The Jackal “Pointless and lacklustre remake of Day of the Jackal.

With Bruce Willis,” barks unusually informed Film Desk.

11.25 Match of the Day FA Cup Highlights 12.25 Boxing 1.30 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2.10 A Question of Sport 2.40 Top of the Pops 3.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.05 Sn**ker: UK Championships More astute readers may have realised that snooker is regularly censored in this fine organ.

This is to prevent you all dying of boredom. You’ll thank us for it one day.

7.15 What the Papers Say 7.25 Private Life of a Masterpiece: The Scream Documentary about Edvard Munch’s painting and absolutely nothing to do with a chain of garish, yellow pubs that serve dump Sunday lunches.

8.25 The Lesley Garrett Show 9.15 I Love Top of the Pops Jimmy Saville dandles a young beauty on his knee as he introduces an evening of programmes celebrating the British institution that is Top of the Pops. Threats of violence not shown. Includes: 9.15 Top of the Pops: The True Story 10.15 Smashie and Nicey's Top of the Pops Party Three poptastic decades of music and fashion. Harry Enfield should just stop now. Leave Paul Whitehouse to reap the glory.

11.05 Pan's People: Digging the Dancing Queens The dancers who attracted so much male attention in the 70s. Possibly a repeat.

11.40 Sn**ker: UK Championships 12.40 FILM: The New Age 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 Record of the Year 2001 Ant and Dec host the programme in which ITV1 viewers get the chance to vote for the record of the year. If you’re even the littlest bit borderline manic depressive, please don’t watch this show because it will tip you over the edge.

The steadfast voting of ITV viewers, who have ears of purest tin, will ensure that only utter, utter shit will win.

7.15 Blind Date Mating apes.

8.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Chris Tarrant presents a low-fat version of the popular quiz Who Wants To Eat Fourteen Eclairs And Half A Szechuan-Style Roast Duck Washed Down With Three Litres Of Fanta?

9.25 Record of the Year 2001 Result 10.15 ITV Weekend News 10.30 The Premiership 11.45 FILM: Kickboxer III: The Art of War “Well, it’s kickboxing, isn’t it? What do you want me to say? I don’t think there are going to be any surprises,” sneers supercilious Film Desk.

1.25 Forever 2.15 Dial-aDate 2.45 Mixmasters 3.10 That Prezzie Show Christmas Special 3.35 Box Office America 4.00 World Sport 4.30 World Football 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.30 Sadwrn Ar y Stryd 8.00 Noson Lawen 9.00 Straeon Cerdd 10.00 The 100 Greatest Number One Singles Graham Norton (I expect) with another bastard poll. If it’s like the movie poll, voters can only choose from 100 pre-selected singles anyway.

Which takes some of the suspense out of an already fairly predictable exercise.

2.05 Late-Night Poker 3.05 World Wrestling Federation Heat 3.55 Formula Four Powerboat Championships 4.25 ALT-TV – Me TV

6.00 Fort Boyard 7.00 Night Fever The musical guests are Phats and Small, Jaki Graham and Lionel Blair. This list of guests has been left in as a warning in case you ever felt like watching this show.

7.55 5 News and Sport 8.25 Stupid Behaviour Caught on Tape As far as descriptive titles go, this one beats You’ve Been Framed hands down.

9.25 FILM: Shattered Promises “It’s got Brian Dennehy in it – it’s going to be ace,” sniggers Film Desk.

11.35 FILM: Can You Keep It Up for a Week? Broad erotic farce with Richard O'Sullivan and Jeremy Bulloch. When a young man proposes to his fiancee, she hesitates due to his inability to hold down a steady job for more than a day. Putting him to the test, she agrees to marry him if he can find a job and keep it up for a week. Film Desk – your thoughts? “Jeremy Bulloch?

Wasn’t he Boba Fett? If it’s him then frankly I think he’s had the most awesome career in the history of film. After Brian Dennehy, obviously.”

1.25 Twin Peaks The Twin Peaks? Great.

2.25 Sportsweek 4.45 The Legend of the Hidden City 5.30 Bamboo

CH4. As S4C except: 6.05 The Magic Roundabout 6.10 10.00 Football Italia Gazzetta 11.00 Formula Four Powerboat Championships 11.30 Shipwrecked Extra 12.00 Little House on the Prairie 12.30 1.00 Family Guy 1.30 4.00 5.00 5.05 Brookside 6.30 Channel 4 News 7.05 Secrets of the Stone Age 8.05 Lethal Weapons: Inside Britain's Gun Culture 9.05 FILM: Little Women 11.15 So Graham Norton 12.10 South Park 12.40 South Park 1.05 FILM: Hard Boiled 3.20 Bull 4.10 The Norm Show 4.30 The Norm Show 4.55 Meego 5.20 Countdown

Evening

Saturday 8 December

National Lottery Jet Set BBC1 7.50pm

BBC 1

Daytime

Today’s Highlights

The Saturday Show BBC 1 9.00am

24

Fort Boyard Channel 5 6.00pm

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

CHOICE Natural Bloomers BBC1, 5.45pm

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

GRiP

Not content with recycling the Auntie’s Bloomers format for any number of occasions (Auntie’s Sporting Bloomers before football matches, Auntie’s Kid’s Bloomers for Children in Need (or something))

they’re now wheeling out a compendium of ‘hilarious howlers’ featuring animals and various television presenters who have felt the wrath of our furry friends.

You can bet your grandmother’s false legs that the pooing elephant on Blue Peter will appear. They might even have that really surreal one with Richard Whiteley and a ferret. When it comes to marauding animals, that ferret’s a legend.

03.12.01

Television

25

9 December

Sunday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 Christmas Voices 10.45 Holiday Snaps 11.00 EastEnders 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 12.50 Match of the Day Live - FA Cup 3.15 EastEnders 4.45 BBC News; Weather 5.05 Regional News; Weather 5.10 Songs of Praise 5.50 I Was a Rat Appropriate programme to welcome you to Sunday TV with, as today gets hauled over by a team of tramps we found in the streets of Cardiff – Shake Your Hand Man, Trolley Man, Bootleg Lee Scratch Perry and more!

6.45 Tweenies 7.25 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.40 The Lampies 7.50 Flint the Time Detective 8.15 Bruno the Kid 8.35 Rugrats 9.05 Hollywood 7 9.30 S Club Search 9.35 Mona the Vampire 9.50 The Cramp Twins 10.00 Kenan and Kel 10.25 So Little Time 10.50 Student Bodies 11.20 Robot Wars Extreme 12.05 Roswell 12.50 Trade Secrets 1.00 The Pop Factory 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 Masters Tennis 2.45 Athletics: Cross-Country 3.30 Sn**ker: UK Championships 4.30 Ski Sunday 5.15 Scrum V I seen you! Playing for Wales! Aiii.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.25 The Rottentrolls 10.40 Fetch the Vet 10.55 Animal Stories 11.00 The Ark 11.30 Sunday Morning 12.30 Waterfront 12.55 HTV News and Weather 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 2.00 Soccer Sunday I fffukkin’ LOVE football me, but.

Watch it in a ffukkin’ pub, innit. Have you got 20 pence sonny? It’s not for booze... it’s just to keep me alive... fukk off then. CUNT! Help yer fellow man... 2.30 Holy Quiz 3.00 FILM: The Glenn Miller Story 5.00 High Performance 5.30 The River Patrol: The Dovey

6.15 Pippi Longstocking 6.40 The Hoobs 7.10 Blue's Clues 7.35 CatDog 8.00 Football Italia – Gazetta 8.55 Blunt attp 9.25 Shipwrecked Extra 9.55 Hollyoaks 11.55 Planed Plant: Adfent 12.10 Clwc 12.25 Rownd a Rownd: 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Welsh in a Week 2.30 Brookside 3.55 Going Critical 4.25 Maniffesto 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm LONGEST COMEDOWN EVER ■ MANAGER OF THE YEAR TO JOIN SO SOLID CREW? ■ SARAH, HELP, I’M VIBRATING ■ GIVE THE DRUMMER SOME

6.00 WideWorld 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Plonsters 7.00 Beachcomber Bay 7.30 Milkshake! 7.35 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Adventures from the Book of Virtues 8.30 Tintin 9.00 Tiger, Tiger 9.25 The Mole 10.30 Core News 10.35 The Big Question 11.05 For the Love of Christ 11.35 The Movie Chart Show 12.05 Great Artists 12.35 5 News at Lunchtime 12.45 FILM: The Road to Hong Kong 2.35 Exclusive 3.05 Family Affairs Omnibus 5.20 The BFG I used to know this c-cc-CUNT!! Big Fukkin’ G...G...oh, I’ve shit meself.

6.45 Antiques Roadshow OI! Michael Aspel! Wanna have a look in my trolley?

Concrete blocks, chair legs, cables – what’s that fukkin’ SHIT you got there? Genuine Tudor dressing table? What’s that? I could shit one of those, I... ach...scuse me... gonna...uhBLUUUUGGGCC CHHHHHRRRGGG!!! Ugh. Uh. Sorry... sorry. Not been well. You haven’t got 50 pence have you?

7.30 Rolf on Art Rolf! Seen.

Jah resepct Rolf. I play for Wales. Rasta fantastic style.

8.00 Sports Personality of the Year Ay ay, sport! Yeah, fukkin’ ace but! Come on Scrumpy, stop sniffin’ that other dog’s arse! Come on, come to the string! Good boy. Good boy. We gotta talk about sports personalities.

Ay. I could really do with some glue now.

10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 Panorama: Lethal Force 10.55 Match of the Day Wales 11.35 FILM: Critical Choices Pro-life woman versus pro-choice woman. “I’d rather not waste my breath on it,” says Ford, “but all pro-lifers are nutters.

All complaints directly to me,” she concludes.

1.00 The Sky at Night 1.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Wild: The Butterfly: Beauty or the Beast?

Butterflies, yeah, lovely like.

Y’know, it’s just nature isn’t it, and you’ve got to appreciate the beautiful things in life cos when you look at it, we live in a ffffukkin’ SHIT world and everything’s just like disapppppearing...yeah... y’know? I can’t even see my ffffukkin’ KIDS now. They’re MINE. And yeah, I put that slag’s head in the dishwasher but... I worked so hard for that fff...fff...fffukkin’ family...I...urghhh.

6.30 Wild: Africa by Balloon Well, there you have it. Tramps just aren’t cut out for writing TV listings. Sorry about that.

6.40 Wild: Natural World: War Wrecks of the Coral Seas 7.30 Gardeners' World 8.00 Bridge: Millennium 8.50 Ancient Secrets: Lady X 9.00 Trouble at the Top: Blood on the Village Green 9.50 Correspondent: Letter to America 10.35 Stella Street 10.45 Have I Got News for You 11.15 Gimme Gimme Gimme 11.45 Aaagh! It's the Mr Hell Show! 12.10 Rex the Runt 12.20 Sn**ker: UK Championships 2.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather Happily, help is at hand – despite the current absence of TV Nick, the GR time machine has just been delivered, and we’re going to use it to go back to last Saturday, at Fabric, and get Nick to deliver his TV listings while on the dancefloor.

6.15 ITV News; Weather 6.30 Bruce's Price Is Right 7.00 New You've Been Framed!

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Cold Feet 10.00 The Frank Skinner Show You know what I’ve always thought, right, well if you look at people on TV and you watch their eyes and what they’re saying really closely they’re all on pills – the whole world’s on pills, it’s just the government won’t admit it because then everyone would know they’re liars. 10.40 ITV Weekend News 11.00 The Premiership 11.30 It Ain't Necessarily So But it is, though. I mean it is.

12.00 The Web Review 12.30 Roar 1.25 Dance 2000 2.20 Survival Special 3.15 Judge Judy 3.35 Cybernet 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Y Stafell Ddirgel 9.35 Newyddion News 9.50 FILM: The Madness of King George Basically he was caning it, he was a royal caner. Fuckin’ boshed mate.

AHHH!! Jesus!! Fucking YES!!! TUNE!!! FUCK!!

Oooh my feet. Any water?

11.50 The Turner Prize 12.55 World Wrestling Federation Heat 1.50 World Wrestling Federation Heat

7.00 5 News and Sport 7.30 The History of Britain from the Air: Industrial Revolution I don’t know about the air, but I’m fuckin’ flying in here! This is what life is about! I’m never going to stop dancing. Seriously.

8.00 The Mole 9.00 The Ruth Rendell Mysteries: A Case of Coincidence 11.00 The FBI Files The thing with the FBI and like the police and like these Big Brother people is they just need to chill out a bit, and just like get on their own trip – you can’t control what people are going to do because we’re humans and you just can’t, you know? It’s all about karma. I mean I’m not being funny, but if you just gave the FBI a few pills then everything would be OK – like, we’re both here and we don’t hate people, we love people. Don’t laugh, but I love you – no, no, I mean like I love everyone in this fucking room. God I’d really like some weed now. Bosh!

12.05 Poltergeist: The Legacy 12.55 Golf: Challenge Tour 1.20 NFL Live: Denver Broncos v Seattle Seahawks 4.30 NHL Replay: Detroit Redwings v Colorado Avalanche

CH4. As S4C except: 6.05 Max Bear 6.15 6.40 7.10 7.35 8.00 Investigators 8.30 One World 9.00 T4: Blunt 9.30 T4: Popworld 10.30 T4: Hollyoaks 12.35 T4: Shipwrecked 3 1.15 T4: Shipwrecked 2.00 King of the Hill 2.30 FILM: Carry On Nurse 4.00 Stargate SG-1 5.00 Smash Hits T4 Poll Winners Party 2001 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 First Person - Stairway to Heaven 8.00 The Turner Prize 9.00 Witness: Voices of the Dead 10.00 FILM: I Know What You Did Last Summer 11.55 Football Italia - La Partita 1.50 World Wrestling Federation Vengeance 5.00 Turf Accounts 5.20 Countdown

Rex the Runt BBC 2 12.10am

Wild Africa BBC 2 6.30pm

Coronation Street ITV 7.30pm

Pobol Y Cwm S4C 5.35pm

CHOICE Aaagh! It's The Mr Hell Show!

BBC2, 11.45pm Britain may be second to none in the trad sitcom stakes, but compared to America’s stellar lineup of animated jollies – The GRiP

Simpsons, South Park and the amazing Family Guy – frankly we’re trailing like a racing camel with Chris Moyles as its jockey.

Remember Stressed Eric from a few years ago? Looked lovely didn’t it? Wasn’t very funny was it? And what since then? Crapston Villas? Nah brah. House Of Rock? It’s OK, but too marginal to really take off at the moment. Plus the animation gets on your tits

Sunday 9 December

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

after a while.

And so we come to Mr Hell. Previews of this looked promising, but the concept – Satan lives in a plush bachelor pad, is sexist and boorish and tells crap jokes – is as thin as toilet paper and equally unable to stretch itself over half an hour. It’s a shame, because again the animation is lovely, but for now we’ll keep gazing across the pond, thanks.

03.12.01

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03.12.01

Focus

The Gair Rhydd Features Section Free Word 707

In Peace & Dignity W

HEELCHAIR BOUND, paralysed from the neck down and with no decipherable speech, Diane Pretty pleads with the British country for the right to die with dignity.

Diane Pretty suffers from Motor Neurone disease, a degenerative illness that attacks the nervous system and which will eventually kill her through suffocation if she fails in her attempt to get legally assisted suicide. On the 18th October Diane lost her legal battle to gain assisted suicide and has now managed to bring her case before the House of Lords. Diane’s case has reopened the age-old debate of whether quality of life is better then life itself.

The pitiful sight of an intelligent woman forced to accept total infantile dependency leads many to the conclusion that assisted suicide should not be punishable by British law. But is Britain really ready for a shift in the law concerning euthanasia?

The debate concerning euthanasia is by no means a new one. Ranging over centuries, the decision whether we have the right to kill ourselves if life becomes too much has always been philosophised. In Ancient Greece, Aristotle taught that to “kill oneself to escape from love or poverty or anything else that is distressing is not courageous.” At the same time, Socrates maintained that you should not

“lengthen out good-for-nothing lives.”

It was only the spread of Orthodox religious beliefs in the Middle Ages and with them the mandate that human life is the most sacred thing we possess, that suicide and euthanasia came to be, until very recently, utterly condemned. But with the decrease of religious beliefs and the increase of liberalism, euthanasia has once again been lobbied for in most Western countries.

Typically those petitioning for the right to commit active euthanasia do so on the grounds of compassion. It is hard not to be moved by the extreme suffering that those requesting euthanasia are going through. James Haig was a physically active man, who, when aged twenty, was a victim of a motor accident that left him totally paralysed from the neck down. After two years he began to feel suicidal and begged to be allowed doctor-assisted suicide. After two failed attempts at suicide he succeeded in killing himself with the limited use of his right hand, by using a lighter to set fire to the sofa and slowly burning to death. When someone loses their quality of life, when they wake up every morning wishing that they were not alive, surely they have lost the very essence of human life. Surely they have the right to choose death.

If this is the case then how unfair and how ironic that in many cases those petitioning for the right to assisted euthanasia do so because they have lost

the capabilities to do it themselves.

Surely if it’s our human right to be able to choose to die then it is morally unjust to those who are not able to execute this decision themselves not to be allowed the assistance they require. Mrs N, a patient at St Christopher Hospice, begged to be allowed to commit euthanasia when her terminal cancer worsened, declaring that: “You wouldn’t let this happen to a puppy-dog, would you?” Indeed, how many people would disagree that when an animal is in incredible suffering, the most humane thing to do is to put them down in the least painful way possible? Why then, should a conscious human, asking for the same merciful treatment, be denied the same right?

Puzzlingly enough while active euthanasia is totally forbidden, passive euthanasia, when death is not the main objective of the action but is an extremely likely occurrence, is often encouraged for incurable patients.

Passive euthanasia takes place when, for example, a doctor gives a patient in extreme pain a lethal dose of medication under the guise of pain relief. About as subtle as wrapping a gift in cellophane… No one can be fooled about the real purpose. Yet, pathetically, many find it easier on their conscience to follow this middle road, about which they can convince themselves is vastly different to the dangers of actually allowing euthanasia. Or perhaps not so

As the media spotlight focuses on the re-opening of Diane Pretty’s case in the House of Lords, L.K. discusses the ethical dilemmas that prevent amendments to the existing law being made. stupid; maybe this is the only option available to humanity right now.

In the wake of the Harold Shipman catastrophe, in a current situation full of hatred, terrorism and biological warfare, how can we possibly support any attempt to allow such a delicate matter as euthanasia to be considered? Diane Pretty asserted that in her petition for her husband to be allowed to help her commit suicide without legal repercussions, she was not trying to change the law on euthanasia. But Diane was naïve if she really believed this to be the case. Allowing Diane’s husband to legally kill his wife before the event took place would of course have opened the floodgates for all those who desired the same thing. It would have set a precedent in this country for dealing with euthanasia cases and would eventually have allowed the practice of euthanasia to become legal.

Legalising euthanasia demands a strong trust amongst people, which at the moment, we are unfortunately worlds away from.

In Holland, currently the only country where euthanasia is openly practiced, there are strict guidelines dictating when euthanasia is permissible. Amongst them is the decree that the patient must be in unacceptable suffering. Yet how can anyone decide who is and who is not in extreme pain… what does it mean to be in ‘acceptable’ suffering? ‘Ah sorry mate, you’re only in the first stages of your illness; you are still in the acceptable range. You’ve got at least five years to go before your pain can be described as ‘unacceptable.’’ How can we determine what is and what is not an acceptable reason for committing euthanasia? If we allow people to commit euthanasia who find life intolerable due to terminal illness, surely it would be presumptuous of us to assume that people who are merely old are not suffering in the same way and therefore do not have the same right to commit euthanasia. And if we do agree that those people who feel that they are too old to be alive have the right to commit euthanasia where do we put the boundary on when people are allowed to feel ‘too old’?

Not only this, but how many people really feel that they could put their entire trust into the British medical system? In Holland there are already cases of elderly and disabled being too scared to go into hospital in case they are persuaded to sign a consent to euthanasia. If euthanasia were allowed in Britain, would it be the case that the NHS waiting list would be eerily reduced?

I can think of no jury who would really issue a punishment on Mr Pretty if his wife died through his help. By

getting so much publicity for her case Diane has almost certainly ensured that her husband will be able to help her commit suicide without fear of legal repercussions. It is unfortunate that the genuine pleas for euthanasia will at the moment have to be fought through the courts but at the same time it is more important that there is no availability for euthanasia to be another excuse for murder.

Euthanasia is a beautiful ideal and in theory quality of life is probably better then life itself. Yet life is far too precious to risk it being abused by our ignorance.

If euthanasia became an accepted practice, human nature is such that an increased number of people will believe themselves to have no quality of life – people would be less tolerant of imperfection and would demand a higher quality of life to believe life to be worth living. Ultimately we must follow the ideals of utilitarianism where the lives of the majority must not be compromised for the benefit of the minority.

Since this article was written, Diane Pretty has lost her case at the House of Lords but is set to appeal to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg

After two failed attempts at suicide he succeeded in killing himself with the limited use of his right hand, by using a lighter to set fire to the sofa and slowly burning to death

FocusFocusFocus INSIDE FOCUS THIS WEEK: Text messaging in the name of love • The anti-fur debate rages on • The worrying far right influence in British society discussed• Travel on the piste in a winter wonderland • Awesome pop scenes

Mobile romance

Gair Rhydd Monday 3 December 2001

16 • Focus

A recent survey conducted by Vodafone found that a whopping 8/10 relationships start via text messages. Rebecca Bullock discusses the appeal of cupid’s modern-day messenger

I

t’s a statistic that at at first I regarded as quite unbelievable. ‘Eight out of ten relationships start with text messages.’ How could romance possibly bloom from a series of drunken and badly spelt confessions of love for someone? I turned to my bestest texting buddy for help on the subject. I considered her an expert, based on the fact that she could actually touch text as a result of her obsession!

More than half of the numbers in her phone book belonged to men and much to her disbelief half of those she had experienced close encounters with. This did not include those who I expected fancied her or she fancied. However, I considered the estimation to be rather subjective and responded to her objections by ignoring them in my analysis. Basically, rather a large proportion of her phone book consisted of male admirers.

The endless list of textees varied from mere acquaintances to more committed relationships and the shameful texting temptress had been asked out, flirted with and typed sweet nothings to since first discovering the joys of sex…I mean text. And it seems that she is not alone; more than a billion text messages are sent in the UK every month and they are clearly not all for conveniences sake.

So why is it such a popular form of communication between members of the opposite sex? The answer probably lies in the fact that it makes it a whole lot easier to flirt. Admittedly there isn’t a whole lot of body language going on, but if you’re not the sharpest tool in the box, it’s much easier to play around with connotations if you’ve got more time to initiate or respond to a one liner. Secondly, people generally feel more

confident to declare their undying feelings when they’re not actually in the physical presence of the person they apply to. Saying them on the phone is a little easier but there’s still potential for stuttering or nervous laughter; at least by text you can spell check it. Picture messages provide a fun alternative to words and although recognisably some verge on being considered hard-core porn, the less graphic (I’m talking teddy bears) can be an easy way of putting a smile on someone’s face.

However, texting is not always appropriate.

When I asked my texting pal whether she preferred to consistently receive affections by text she replied that in some cases she’d rather experience them in person. Typically those cases would involve sharing something more than a casual exchange of suggestive texts and there are some situations which warrant a little more sensitivity. Unsurprisingly, there does not appear to be a general consensus about the limitations of texting. Although I’m sure it has been done, finishing with someone over a text lacks a personal touch that could make the dumpage experience even more devastating. Another possible restriction could be telling someone you love him or her for the first time. Again this depends on how confident you are that the feelings will be returned.

Lack of intimacy, therefore, provides both negative and positive potential for texting, but it’s not just the beginning and the end as far as relationships are concerned. Are those relationships that start by text maintained by text too? So far I have talked about how it is easier to state your thoughts by a text as a result of being unsure of them being reciprocated. But there are other feelings that are occasionally really hard to

Anti-fur fashion F

UR IS back. Open any glossy magazine and it is clear that one of the key looks for this season is fur. However despite fashion’s current love affair with all things fur, many people are radically opposed to the use of fur in fashion and the fur trade in general. Think of the numerous highprofile stories in the media where protesters have shown their anger towards the fur trade and the cruel techniques involved and it will become obvious that the whole debate over fur has caused many conflicts.

Mention the fur trade and it will bring connotations of animals being kept in cramped conditions, leading to a gruesome death just for the sake of a coat. Indeed, the idea of keeping and killing animals for the purpose of fashion is a cruel thought that runs along that of animal testing and other animal rights campaigns and for any animallover wearing fur would be unthinkable.

The anti-fur idea is a fashionable one at the moment, and goes hand in hand with the trend for vegetarian lifestyles and the respect for animals.

The list of vegetarian or vegan celebrities is endless, and includes actor Alec Baldwin, Drew Barrymore, Brad Pitt and Alicia Silverstone. The animal rights view is not a new one. Who can forget that famous poster with the some of the most beautiful models in the world (including Linda Evangalista, Naomi Campbell and Claudia Schiffer) claiming that they would “rather go naked than wear fur”? The trend for a lifestyle free of animal cruelty has gone so far as that there are now even pages on the internet that list which Nike products are ‘non-animal shoes’.

say in person, which are more a consequence of stubbornness and pride. ‘I’m sorry L’ or ‘will u 4 giv me?’ often come in handy after an argument.

You’re still sure that you’re the one in the right, that you’re not being selfish and he or she is being sooo unfair. However as the adult one in the relationship you realise an apology would be helpful. Again, that element of detaching yourself from your own words make saying them that little bit easier.

It seems therefore, that the future of text is far from dim, in fact its orange (excuse the corny pun) .Networks have cottoned on to the texting orgy and are continually working on new plans and services to re-vamp the texting experience. Apparently, these are supposed to ‘make you get even more from text messaging’ and some of the most recent include ‘making friends in text chat rooms’, or ‘exchanging flirtatious text messages with a stranger’. All sounds a bit dodgy if you ask me.

But there is no doubt that such offers will take off.

Big clever Phone Company realises Tarzan likes to text Jane and wants to take it to another level. The distance that texting provides will take on a whole new range of benefits when it means you can change your identity too. Just think of the possibilities...

“

The shameful texting temptress had been asked out, flirted with and typed sweet nothings to since first discovering the joys of sex…I mean text

” With National Anti-Fur Week recently passed, awareness about the fur trade is evident bt the increase of the fur-free wardrobe. Rhiannon Davies discusses the contentious issue in light of the recent high-profile protests Although the fur trade may attract strong conflict one must question whether or not it is right that protesters are so active and in some cases violent when showing their opposition to the fur trade. Attacks that undoubtedly made the headlines have been those on the fashion industry. A recent example could be the fur protesters who tried to sabotage Alexander McQueen’s show during this year’s London Fashion Week. Campaigners broke into a film studio in North London – the venue for McQueen’s show and covered the stage backdrops with anti-fur slogans. The start of the fashion show was delayed for an hour and over 50 police officers were called in to control the demonstrators.

Protesters also hacked into the websites of several fashion houses and defaced message boards with anti-fur messages.

Of course there is the situation with the Huntingdon Life Sciences in the South East of England, where animals are tested on in the name of science. This has resulted in many protests which regularly make the local news. A couple of weeks ago Barry Horne, who spent most of his life actively opposing animal cruelty, died after a hunger strike.

People tend to only see issues such as the fur trade in either black or white and the majority of people claim to be against the killing of animals purely for fashion. However one must remember the historical importance of fur and the role that the trade plays in many peoples’ lives.

Fur has been traded for thousands of years and is unique among modern industries in supporting a wide range of cultures, traditional skills and lifestyles. The benefits to the environment and

economy from the fur trade are highlighted by the International Fur Trade Federation – an organisation that calls itself the ‘United Nations of the world’s fur industry’.

We do sometimes forget that many people rely on the fur trade to survive and in fact trappers could be seen as monitoring the ecology and environment of sensitive areas. The use of wild species for fur is strictly controlled and the international fur trade uses no endangered species. For some basic facts, 85 per cent of the industry’s turnover is from farmed furs (such as mink and fox) most of which is farmed in Northern Europe and North America. It is estimated that within the European Union 175,000 people are directly employed in the fur trade and the total retail trade turnover of the EU in fur is believed to be over $6 billion.

The debate about the fur trade cannot be resolved overnight, as both points of view are understandable. Of course, inhumane killing of animals is wrong but many people, especially those in rural areas of the world, depend on the fur trade as a viable method of farming to survive.The current trend for fur in the fashion world seems to be pretty stable and at the moment over 170 fashion designers are working with fur, including Fendi, Gucci, Valentino and Versace. The fashion for fur items has also hit the high street, but with many of the best designs being made of realistic fake fur, and with a bill in place to ban fur farming in Britain (which would mean closing the 13 remaining mink farms), one must question whether or not there will be any more demand for the real thing in years to come.

Gair Rhydd Monday 3 December 2001

The far out friends of Middle England W

ell, it seems Mr. Duncan Smith has got himself into trouble again.

“Who?” I hear you ask. Iain Duncan Smith (IDS to his mates) was elected leader of the Conservatives in early September, but I won’t blame you if you’ve never heard of him – he hasn’t exactly done much to distinguish himself in the meantime. Except, that is, to get himself into trouble over a number of race rows.

The first emerged in the leadership campaign itself – it emerged IDS’s leading campaign advisor was in fact the father of the leader of the British National Party, Nick Griffin. No one in the Tory party had noticed. The campaign advisor was duly sacked, and IDS went on to win – obviously it didn’t bother Conservative members that much. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it has recently come to light that several years ago, in October 1995, Iain Duncan Smith attended a secret meeting in the House of Commons with Bruno Gollnisch, a leading member of the French National Front. The National Front Party is worryingly popular in France, and favours forced repatriation of black

Government asylum policies, such as the detention of asylum seekers and the tacit pandering to tabloid hysteria have all led to the demonisation of asylum seekers, refugees and migrants, which flies in the face of Labour’s claims to oppose racism

African immigrants. Its leader, Jean-Marie Le Pen, once described the Nazi gas chambers as “a detail of history.” Along with other top Tories including Norman Lamont and John Redwood, IDS addressed the meeting under an anti-EU banner.

Mr. Gollnisch says he remembers meeting Mr. Duncan Smith well, but strangely, Duncan Smith claims he didn’t know the French NF were present, despite the fact he later had drinks with Mr. Gollnisch in a Commons bar.

All this raises worrying questions about how influential the far right is in British politics and society. From the days of Oswald Moseley and the British Fascists, who openly supported collaboration with the Nazis, through Enoch Powell and his memorably “rivers of blood” speech in 1968, to Iain Duncan Smith’s dodgy connections today, the far right has had an important toe-hold in our society. This was thrown into stark relief by the race-riots that swept through northern towns this summer, most notably in Oldham and Burnley. The riots were triggered by the British National Front, which repeatedly held rallies in the town leading to confrontation with Asian youths. The Asians themselves were hardly blameless, of course, and at times pitched battles that were fought between them and the police for control of the streets.

The National Front has not given up, either. In September plans were uncovered to organise more rallies and race confrontations across the country.

The plans revolve around the creation of the NF Social Club, which purports to offer ‘cultural tours’ around various cities. Crucially, this ‘Social Club’ would not have to apply to the police for permission to organise, unlike the NF itself. “We are not going to go away. We are going there to give our supporters a voice,” said Terry Blackham, NF national organiser and a convicted gun-runner to Loyalist groups in Northern Ireland.

All this has been worsened, of course, by the September 11 attacks on New York. There have been reports of retaliatory attacks across Britain, including a 19 year old Muslim woman being battered with a baseball bat, an attack on an Afghan taxi driver in Twickenham, leaving him paralysed from the neck down, and Mosques having bricks thrown through the windows, daubed with abusive graffiti and set on fire.

Recently, the NF was planning a march through Peterborough on the 24 of November. Although they are likely to be banned from doing so, they were banned in Oldham and Bradford too, and it didn’t stop them.

The British National Party is the UK’s other farright party. It claims to be purely a ‘national’ party, putting British interests first, but it is clear what its true intentions are. When Derek Beacon was elected BNP councillor in Millwall, Isle of Dogs, he was asked about rubbish collection in the area.

He replied simply: “The Asians are rubbish and that is what we are going to clear from the streets.”

(18 September 1993, The Mirror). Its national activities organiser, Richard Edmonds, admitted in the Guardian, “We are 100% racist, yes.”

Although the BNP and National Front are Britain’s main far right organisations, there are others. Combat 18 is a militaristic neo-Nazi group, which used to supply bodyguards for BNP activities. Its leader, Charlie Sargeant, is now in jail for the murder of another C18 member. The BNP has now severed links with the group, however, C18 is now known to be working with the National Front.

Focus • 17

As it emerges that Ian Duncan Smith’s leading campaign advisor was in fact the father of the head of the British National Party, Mark Cobley has a look at how worryingly influential the far right are in British society

POWELL: Racist or realistic?

Another group is the shadowy, and potentially much more dangerous Western Goals Institute, which is much more ‘respectable’ and has friends in powerful places. It arranged for Jean-Marie Le Pen and Alessandra Mussolini, the grand-daughter (and fascist sympathiser) of Italy’s wartime leader, to attend fringe meetings at the Tory Party Conference. One of its former leaders, Clive-Derby Lewis, was convicted of involvement in the murder of Chris Hani, a black South African activist.

These groups are extremists, of course, and while their presence is worrying, they have very little influence on British government. But this doesn’t mean racism and discrimination are unknown here. Publicised cases such as that of Stephen Lawrence have lead to accusations of institutional racism, which the government has pledged to investigate and correct. However, twoand-a-half years after the publication of the MacPherson Report into institutional racism, it is still to be found in our police and legal systems.

Take the case of Satpal Ram. He was jailed in 1987 for murder after defending himself against racist attack. During the trial he was not allowed to enter a plea of self-defence, key witnesses were not provided with translators, and a vital witness was not called at all. He has now served fifteen years,

though he was sentenced to only eleven. The Parole Board has sent requests to the Home Secretary for his release, but the Home Office has rejected them.

Satpal is currently being held in HMP Blakenhurst, where the governor stopped him from seeing his fatally-ill mother. She died on 7 September, without seeing her son for a last time.

Government asylum policies, such as the dispersal and detention of asylum seekers, the voucher system, and the tacit pandering to tabloid hysteria have all led to an unprecedented demonisation of asylum seekers, refugees and migrants, which flies in the face of Labour’s claims to oppose racism. There is now a ‘new racism’, targeted at the displaced and dispossessed alien poor. Is it any wonder far-right groups such as the BNP and National Front find support amongst the British public?

We in Britain need to ask ourselves important questions about the nature of the society in which we live. Britain today is a multicultural and ethnically diverse nation, and has always been, from the day when the first Angles, Saxons and Celts met. The Tories’ current race-rows are simply indicative of a deeper, more sinister strain in our national make-up. We as a nation need to stamp it out, and relegate racism to the dustbin of history.

Focus • 18

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Gair Rhydd Monday 3 December 2001

Let’s get piste

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Even with a strong pound, the cost of ski or snow boarding holidays still remains prohibitive to many students...or does it? Roger Knight (Francophone and ex resident of the French Alps) has a little advice for the would be budget ski holiday seeker

P

ost September the 11th. and many are still ( understandably) unwilling to fly.

This is good news however for those who aren’t, and for those who can raise a few extra bob to take a ski break. Holidays are being advertised for as little as £159 in local travel agents for the post New Year period.One local travel agent in Queen Street was offering exactly this price for one week in a ‘yet to be named’ ski resort in France. The problem with the ‘unnamed resort scenario’ is that you might end up going to an area where the terrain is too difficult for you. Full of black runs and off piste skiing, a ski domain like this would be horrendous if you are a beginner. It would probably be your first and last ski holiday.

Of course the opposite may well be true. You could be an advanced skier who was raised on the not so sunny dry slopes of Scunthorpe, or Fairwater for that matter. You might well be a future UK champion, or an already converted extreme ski fanatic. If you are the latter in character/ability, then you might also be disappointed by ending up in a ski resort full of nursery runs and little to challenge your mettle.

One solution could lie in Youth hostel membership.

Yes, that tried and tested woolly organisation famous for its curfews and lockouts and stern hostel wardens waving a moralising finger at you the morning after you climbed in through the toilet windows. The problem was of course that there was a lock in at the local pub. Well, the YHA has in fact changed a great deal in recent years and hostels are now far more in keeping with the demands of young travellers, after all the YHA has a little competition these days from the Backpacker hostel circuit now girdling the planet.

The Youth Hostel system in France however has been setting the trends in accommodation for student travellers for years now, and it’s really the backpackers who have to keep up with them. What’s more, FUAJ, the French equivalent of the YHA, has some incredible bargains when it comes to skiing - like the deal which includes seven days and nights accommodation, ski pass, skis and sticks and boots (or board and boots), three wonderful meals a day, and a bus from Paris to the hostel door.

All this for not a great deal more than the above mentioned flight based holiday. The fact is, that by the time that you have added the cost of airport taxes, transfer fees, ski equipment hire and separate holiday insurance not to mention ski passes, then your £159 holiday starts to look a little more like a £359 holiday.

Ca va?

The cost of the equipment is often the deciding factor. If you’re lucky you might be able to pick up a second hand pair of skis in Oxfam for a tenner, or if you are exceptionally lucky, a snow board in ‘Free ads’ for about twenty pounds. This is the problem......it’s not the cost of the holiday itself, it’s the cost of the gear (way out of order if it’s new stuff) and the weight. You may well save a few bob on your second hand purchases, but you’ve still got all the other ‘hidden’ extras and of course you’ve got to carry your skis and boots to France and back.. Ca Va pas.

Well, you can always hibernate and pretend that January and February won’t happen. You can even curl your toes up in front of a radiator and pretend that it’s

a coal fire, as winter descends and then fantasise about slopes of wind driven virgin snow outside, piping hot apres ski alpine dishes and mulled wine, inside. After all, that kind of thing is only for the rich...... right?

Wrong! The French Youth Hostel alpine holidays scheme has proved for me and a group of mates over the last few years to be absolutely bonus ridden. The very word ‘youth’ is a bit of a misnomer however.. The average age in a youth hostel in a French ski resort would be about twenty seven, the majority of the people staying there being in their twenties, but with all age groups adequately represented, making that heinous crime of ageism, nothing short of a joke, like all ‘isms’.

Let’s look at a ‘do it yourself holiday’ in a French alpine ski resort like Serre Chevalier, Tignes or Seez, in the month of April, booking through a High Street agent for instance.

For a kick off, your accommodation will run out at a minimum of £180 - £200 for a week for bed and breakfast. For full board you are looking at well over £240, with little or no change. A ski pass for seven days will be in the region of £ 80 - 90, and you’ll want to take out insurance of course , not to mention the hire of skis/boots/snowboard. For six days action on the piste, your total hire package will set you back at least £75. A bit off putting isn’t it? And you haven’t even paid for the flight yet. Total cost of ski holiday for one week not including travel? Somewhere between £410 and £450, and that doesn’t include travel and spending. The aforementioned £159 holiday was for a short period only i.e. during the post Christmas/New Year slump.

So here’s one sensible alternative. Two years ago I stayed at SERRE CHEVALIER youth hostel in the southern French Alps, about two hours by bus from Grenoble in the South East . FUAJ* have long since learnt that curfews and a self righteous attitude to hostelling/ski-ing/Alpinism just don’t work in an age where ‘consumer is king’. As a result, an open door policy exists in all mountain youth hostels, which these days offer hotel-style facilities at less than half the price of an hotel or a chalet. Of course, in true hostel style, you’ll have to share a dormitory or a room for four or six, but it won’t be one with some fat exsergeant major standing over you at seven in the morning, poking you in the chest and reminding you that you have to get up to ‘do your job’ before you’re kicked out into the cold morning air. It’s more likely to be unisex, laid back and tolerant. After all, you’ve paid for this holiday have n’t you. You’ve earned it, right?

If you want to get up at seven o clock in the morning to catch the overnight fall of fresh powder, all well and good....’On y vas!’......but if you want to sleep in until midday and get over last night’s partying, then fair enough. C’est la vie.

I had a similarly positive experience staying with a friend at Tignes and Seez three years ago. At Tignes, the higher of the two resorts, located at almost 2,000 metres above sea level, you have little problem of finding snow there, even in summer.

Serre Chevalier youth hostel is a group of restored alpine residences dating from the last century and before, offering all the charm that the high Alps has to offer. Log fires, fantastic French food, a late bar with

occasional live music and,included in the price they offer two candle lit dinners with free wine to boot! The youth hostel at Seez by contrast is a purpose built modern affair constructed from local materials retaining a natural ambience both inside and out.

Food at the Youth hostels includes a huge breakfast of cereals, fruit, cheese, jam, coffee, tea, fruit juices etc. A packed lunch will accompany you to the slopes, or alternatively if you wish, you can return to the hostel for a two course meal included in the overall package.

Evening meals are spectacular, and with all that piste bashing, you’re going to need it. The menu varied every night, with the two aforementioned candle lit dinner nights putting everyone at the hostel into a great mood, encouraging friendship and the likelihood of finding ski partners if your own group is too advanced or alternatively, too slow for you.

What about the skiing? Serre Chevalier is located at 1,600 metres above sea level which means that you can ski from the hostel to the telecabine a few hundred yards away in January, February and up to the end of March when there will be plenty of snow in the village. In April, its likely to be a five minute walk to one of two lifts which get you up onto the piste at 2,000 - 2,800 metres in no time at all. There are ample opportunities for advanced skiers or boarders to go haring off piste, but having said that the nursery slopes are plentiful in the lower valleys for instance. It’s a great place for beginners and intermediates with one run which comes off the top of the now famously named ‘Robert Barker Mountain’, all the way down to the village.....and it’s a green run....not too much trouble at all. Robert himself has n’t been there to my knowledge, but quite a few of his well made winter garments have.

Serre Chevalier is far from chic, and people actually speak to each other in the cafes, on the slopes, not to mention in the village where there is a very open and friendly, international atmosphere. There is no ‘them and us’ in the hostelling fraternity, no snobbishness that characterises other resorts that we won’t even bother to mention in the same breath. With respect to Tignes.....well if you opt for this resort, you’ll be skiing in one of the biggest ski domains in the world.

And the cost? Wait for it - £235 at last year’s prices which includes your accommodation, three meals, your ski pass for seven days and free entertainment in the bar, as well as the two candle lit evening specials.

Oh, and it includes your equipment. No dragging six foot skis through airports fretting over terrorist networks. You get yourself down to Paris on a bus from Victoria and the rest is taken care of. The next thing you’ll know is a great Alpine handshake from Claude the manager ,and a warm as toast French ‘bienvenue’ from Ludivine and Lor, two wonderful yound ladies who taught me how to snowboard, well sort of!

So, skiing is not just for the elite, it’s for you and me courtesy of some excellent F.U.A.J. offers and of course a pound that at the moment anyway, still favours the budget traveller.

F.U.A.J. French Youth hostelling association. There are many hostels in the Alps, at Tignes, Chamonix, Annecy, La Clusaz, to mention but a few. For further details contact Serre Chevalier Y.H.A or www. skitheedge.co.uk

Focus • 19

Gair Rhydd Monday 3 December 2001

Robbie and William

POPSCENE: Having spent much of this term watching Take That videos and Pop Idols, Abbi Shaw is well qualified to utter a word of truth or two about Robbie and communist connotations in the anti Simon Cowell uprising

I

ROBBIE: croons and the audience swoon

t is unlikely to have escaped your notice that in recent times there has been something of a Rat Pack revival. If you don’t know anything of that which I refer to, I advise you not to run around collecting the back catalogues of old and dead people like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, but to instead beg, borrow or steal a copy of the much younger and more attractive Robbie Williams’ appearance at the Albert Hall earlier this month. The cheeky ex-Take That star has gone all grown-up on us, and it’s wonderful. No, honestly. The boy can sing! Immaculately dressed (Bond would be proud) he charmed and crooned his way through a variety of old-time tunes in a show that managed to be as controversial as it was traditional. This was largely thanks to the addition of an entourage of mainly-naked

dancing girls and the unfortunate presence of the quite horrifically unpleasant Rupert Everett. Nonetheless, Robbie sang his little heart out to us and, in a blaze of emotion, dedicated his final song to his mum. Such a nice boy! As he wept silently at the vast – and not undeserved – swell of applause he received as the show drew to a close, even I believed something magical had occurred. And I can’t stand Frank Sinatra.

Hopeless homages aside though, something equally thrilling is happening regularly on our screens. Pop Idols is still on. Every week the judges reach new levels of unpleasantness, every week the tears flow faster. And at last, Popscene and Page Editor, enthralled by last week’s contestants, feel they have found their winner. Popscene will be most offended if

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Appointments, Mergers and Acquisitions, and Celebrity News

T

he whole reason a war started is that an integral part of the world’s conception of stability was missing – Richard and Judy. But now, fear not, They are back with a new show on Channel 4. The first episodes have looked a bit dodgy, but all they need is a little time to get used to the new, creamier

Richard and Judy: too good for captions surroundings. Watch it every weekday at 5pm.

After a lifetime of complaining about people being entertained, Mary Whitehouse has died. Daily Mail readers everywhere will be sad.

Liz Hurley is apparently pregnant, about which we

are supposed to be delighted; but has anyone considered the horror it?

A reformed and rehabilitated Tara Palmer Tomkinson appeared on Esther last week to tell the rabbit-faced demon all about how she is a new, better person as a result of her drug addiction.

“I’m glad I was a drug addict”, she says “I’ve been spoilt all my life… It’s made me a real person”. She’s so tortured, you know, it’s hard work being a professional socialite.

It has recently been alleged that Jennifer MRS PITT: not having a child Aniston preparing to produce a beautiful and sublime child that will walk the earth with feet of gold and hair of nothing less than diamond, spreading good-will and stardom wherever it goes… wouldn’t that be nice? But she says NO she isn’t pregnant.

The Daily Fascist have taken great delight in announcing to the waiting world that Nicole Kidman has cellulite, which afflicts 95% of women.

The Queen took time out from decomposing on her feet last week to visit the set of EastEnders, where she failed to impress cast and crew with her knowledge of the soap which was non-existent.

JK Rowling is still Satan.

everyone does not immediately loan all their support to a young man named William. William gave us a very individual rendition of a Doors song (The Doors, no less, but don’t get all up in arms, the point is that it was good!) which, as he began to sing reminded me of the wonder and joy I felt the first time I heard Craig David. Yes, he is that fantastic. He also took a wonderfully Marxist rebellion-style stance against the judges, berating them for the “unfair way in which they had preyed upon today’s participants”. But let us not worry ourselves about the fact that there might be a Communist hiding in him somewhere, and all just vote for him on Saturday. If nothing else, it means we won’t have to spend our time hiding our eyes from the unsightly Rick, who, if he wins, will coat every palpable surface in the country.

THE GORGEOUS WILLIAM: (Abbi’s friend Richard knows him apparently)

Postcard from the Philosophical Faculty of the Palacky University in the Czech Republic

S

ince the stench of something rotten in the Czech University education system has become unbearable, here in Olomouc we decided to take a radical step. Following an absolutely independent and objective trial (its striking resemblance to Kafka’s Trial was purely accidental), all the faculties in Olomouc were condemned to death and immediately executed. The Philosophical Faculty put up the greatest resistance; however, with almost no effect. When the electric chair failed, a more traditional method of execution was used instead and the faculty was decapitated and consequently cut into pieces. The whole happening provided some food, however meagre, for the constantly hungry media; only with the exception of a commercial TV channel which considered a goose race in Spain to be of far greater importance and interest.

by Zuzana Kazdova

Filtering the lunches

T

Daniel Barnes asks Does nothing work outside London?

his week we will have lunch (which will consist of mainly pasta and/or seafood dishes) with Simon Pegg, Sarah Michelle Geller, Buffy, Richard and Judy, Robbie, Nicole Kidman and Richard Briers.

As a special treat to all us hardworking kids on Page 5 of Focus, instead of lunch we are going to have dinner with Ronan Keating, who is lovely and wonderful, and so fashionable everything is pointless.

We will not enter into the realm of discourse with Courtney Love, Twiggy, JK Rowling, the cast of Brookside, anyone who works for fucking Royal Mail, feminists and animal lovers.

Royal Mail – who absolutely refuse to send me letters, even though good people categorically claim they have posted them.

Woolworths – do the people who work there really believe that Wales has time for them to dawdle and delay all day? Well, we haven’t got time. We have lives too, Woolworths.

Umberellas – you’d think in a country where it rains so frequently there would be a shop that sells decent umbrella. But no, they’re all shit.

What is Wales playing at.

NetworkingNetworkingNetworking

Lizzy Green’s mingling with the rich and famous of fair Caerdydd took her all the way from our office at the top of the Union to the Sherman Theatre to meet the Associate Director, Stephen Fisher.

What is your capacity as director in the Sherman Theatre?

I direct in the theatre at all levels; my role is officially ‘Associate Director’ as I’m second to the Artistic Director. I basically contribute to all sides of the theatre but I’m in charge of Youth Theatre. I think my role is changing constantly. I’m adapting it, and moving in a different direction to the previous associate director.

You’re directing the Enormous Crocodile at the moment.

Yeah, it’s the first time I’ve directed a production for that age group which is 3-7 year olds, and I’ve discovered that a three year old’s conception is

completely different to that of a 7 year old’s. It’s also been my first time directing with puppets and full costumes. Actually, it’s been harder than anything I’ve ever done before. It’s only 45 minutes long but it’s an incredibly intense 45 minutes as I have to hold the children’s attention for that long.

It’s been exhausting for both cast and director. I think Dahl is an excellent children’s writer. He had a unique love of children and tapped in to their conception of sarcasm and understanding.

What is the best play you’ve ever directed?

There’s two really, the first of which was Saturday Night 4 Ever by Roger Williams which was a one man piece. It’s a story about a gay man which is

very moving and funny. It was simple theatre but incredibly effective.

And Gas Station Angel by Ed Thomas, which is a complex Welsh story. It just has wonderful characters, time shifts, fairies, lovers. Yet it never got the attention it deserved.

Who have been your greatest inspirations?

Stephen Berkoff for one. He was a bastard, but very inspiring for me in my formative years. I come from Elephant and Castle in London and he gave an intelligent voice to the working class.

Then Edward Bond’s Saved because the play revolves around real working-class characters. It was a play which broke the Lord Chamberlain

censorship. It’s a brutal, honest play and it was the first time I’d heard a working class voice in the theatre. From then on I realised theatre was not just for the middle class but everyone could have their voice recognised.

And finally, what would you say to 15,000 students?

Well, this is such a trite thing to say, but don’t waste it basically. It’s so easy to be lazy but at University you have so much opportunity. And yet most people won’t realise it until it’s gone. Almost everyone regrets how little they did with their time; I know I did. You only have one crack at university so make the most of it.

24 ● Sport

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

Final whistle blows on PFA strike PFA STRIKE Pete Samsom THE FINAL whistle has been blown on the Premier League and the Professional Footballers’ Association’s big match, but who has won this messy battle remains unclear.

The PFA called off its proposed strike on 24 November after the Premier League offered them £52.2m over the next three years, £17.5m a year.

But at 2.5% of the leagues current TV contract, it falls well short of the 5% originally requested by Gordon Taylor, the PFA’s chief executive.

The fact that Taylor agreed to a deal that was just half of what he originally demanded may suggest that he was defeated in the closing minutes of this clash.

At his post-match interview Taylor’s demeanour was certainly not that of a boss basking in victory.

“We have compromised, and I believe there is satisfaction for both parties,” he explained. If he considered the final score a draw he appeared to be reflecting on two points lost rather than one point gained.

But he should be proud of his performance, securing an excellent result for his players without losing the confidence of too many fans.

Because as the December 1st

strike date was drawing closer, and after Taylor turned down the Premier League’s improved offer of £16.7m a year, both fans and journalists appeared to be deserting him at the crucial moment.

Even some of the 99% of his members who voted for strike action were said to be wavering.

By backing down when he did Taylor managed to fight long enough to confirm his union’s unparalleled strength, without appearing unreasonable.

The Premier League’s chief executive Richard Scudamore, Taylor’s tormentor throughout this affair, will also be impressed with the result he has achieved for his side.

By originally offering what Taylor described as a “ridiculously low figure” he has kept the final settlement down.

His negotiating skills will have pleased his employers, the Premier League chairmen, who will also be claiming victory.

Threats from chairmen, including Leeds’ Peter Ridsdale and Everton’s Bill Kenwright, to fine their employees if they boycotted TV games set seeds of doubt in some top players.

An unnamed “current England international” was quoted saying that he no longer backed the strike in the final moments.

Such players will be very happy with the outcome.

They maintained that this was to help players less fortunate than

themselves and have helped secure their union a reasonable deal without ending up out of pocket themselves.

Most importantly the fans are pleased that there will be no strike.

Millions of supporters are relieved that they won’t be prevented from watching their heroes from the safety of their armchairs.

So for once in football everyone appears to have won. So why does the result appear such an anticlimax? They should have let it go to penalties.

In addition to the players strike, Taylor has been quick to voice his opposition to the proposed ‘Phoenix League.’

Taylor commented: “We have not been given much information about this idea but would be against any proposal which simply swelled the coffers of those at the apex of British football.”

The idea behind the Phoenix League is that Celtic and Rangers would begin in an 18 team second Premiership tier, in addition to the existing Premiership and a Division 2 and 3. Chairman of many First Division teams are behind the proposal, including Jez Moxley of Wolves and Geoffrey Richmond of Bradford.

However, not everybody is in support of the idea.

Cardiff City chairman Sam Hammam has condemned the concept, as has Manchester City supremo Kevin Keegan.

TOP: Gordon Taylor the much maligned boss of the PFA who agreed a settlement with the Premier league, before a strike BELOW: Kevin Keegan, a keen supporter of the PFA, spoke out against the proposed Phoenix league last week

IT’S ALL ABOUT YOUR CASH Mars SAY NO

TO STUDENT HARDSHIP

The winning ticket is:

Pink ticket 165 E41Q BU4Z It doesn’t stop there...

A massive thanks to all of you who came out to support the NUS Regional Day of Action on November 13 by building the pile of pennies to symbolise the burden of student debt.

The final amount came to about 400 hundred pounds, and as promised, the money has been raffled off to help alleviate one lucky student’s debt. Someone from this University who contributed to the pile and collected a ticket might have won all that money.

If you are that lucky winner, come with your ticket and see the Union’s Communications and Community Officer, Elaye Clark and claim your money.

Twix Bounty Maltesers Snickers

Any 2 for 45p Until the end of term

Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk

www.cardiffstudents.com

Sport ● 25

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

Dragons breathe fire once more RUGBY Chris Wathan and Jane Steeples “10 OUT OF 10 for character” was how Graham Henry put it.

The Dragon’s had once again found their fire, the crowd had found their voice and Henry found himself away from the spotlight.

You would have thought Wales had won.

But all the effort and attitude could not disguise the stark reality that Wales threw away their biggest opportunity to beat the World Champions since 1987, going down 21-13.

Travelling to the Millennium Stadium on the back of successive defeats to England and France, many feared Wales could have been on the end of an Aussie backlash.

But it was Wales who looked like worldbeaters as the first twenty minutes saw a roaring Welsh initiative.

The tackles produced and ball won finally looked worthy of test rugby, something that didn’t seem possible just a month ago against Argentina.

League convert Iestyn Harris, back in his new centre’s role, even put the home side ahead after Australian second row David Giffin was penalised for over eager use of the boot. The incident also left the Aussies down to fourteen men and Colin Charvis with a size nine imprint.

Yet Wales could not make the man advantage count despite pressing the stern but shaken Australian defence. Enterprising breaks by Howley and the battering ram-like Scott Quinnell were not supported by their trailing teammates.

When Wales found themselves on the back foot they were only too happy to deliberately infringe whilst referee Steve Lander was equally as happy to award the penalty.

Effective as this ploy might have been in

preventing possible Australian tries, the frequent ill-discipline spilled over into areas where it was not needed and Lander became increasingly pleased at the sound of his own whistle.

Negative rugby ensued and it was the Australian’s that benefitted, veteran fullback Matt Burke ultimately profiting from seven of his nine attempts on goal.

Nevertheless, when Wales were threatened by the sporadic Aussie attack-line, tackling was not a problem. Harris showed how some League skills are easily transferable as he clamped any traffic that attempted to pass him. Born again Welshman Brett Sinkinson also chased ball and man alike with tireless enthusiasm.

It was a shame that Wales only displayed similar enterprise going forward in the game’s dying stages, throwing the ball around in a style more fashioned to sevens and eventually resulting in a deserved try for replacement Gavin Thomas.

But ultimately, only points mean prizes.

And Wales had not capitalised on the territorial advantage offered by a frankly mediocre Australian team.

10 for character? Maybe.

6 for attainment, room for improvement.

Australia concluded their European tour with an impressive 49-35 win over the Barbarians at the Millennium Stadium.

HARRIS: improving confidence The World Champions bounced back to silence critics of their unconvincing displays over the past month by putting in a solid and entertaining performance.

In a match which saw twelve tries and as many conversions, the Ba Ba’s took the initiative and an early lead when Breyton Paulse ran in to open the scoring with fellow South African Braam Van Straaten kicking the extra points.

After 21 minutes the Wallabies, who made eleven changes from the victorious side that faced Wales, were trailing fourteen points to nil. Their so far lacklustre display, however, was not to last.

Chris Latham’s touch down rejuvenated the Aussies and sparked a burst of five tries.

The Barbarians, who had created many chances in the opening 20 minutes, began to falter and hesitancy from full back Percy Montgomery began to prove costly. When Elton Flatly crossed the line four minutes before the interval Australia took the lead for the first time and never looked back.

The result was sealed as winger Ben Tune scored, displaying some of the pace and power that was a trademark of his game before a lengthy injury lay off.

WALES: Effort not enough

British Lions fall at last hurdle again RUGBY LEAGUE

David Williams THERE APPEARS to be no stopping the Australian rugby league team after the World Champions secured yet another Ashes Test Series win over Great Britain A near capacity crowd of 25,000 at the JJB stadium witnessed one of the most enthralling encounters of recent years as retiring captain Brad Fittler led his team to a 28-8 victory.

The veteran Fittler was thrilled with his team’s performance considering the agony they had to go through when coach Chris Andersen, for the second time in the week, was taken to hospital with heart problems.

“We were worrying about Chris on the one hand and how we were going to play on the other.”

“We showed a lot of skill, and scored a lot of great tries.”

The scoring, however, began in the sixth minute when Paul Johnson crashed over to give Britain a wellearned lead.

From then on though Australia never looked back, scoring five tries of their own without reply.

Darren Lockyer combined with man of the series Andrew Johns to bring the sides level and a second try from Matthew Gidley gave the Kangaroos a 12-6 half time advantage.

A third score from Bradley Meyers just after the break was the catalyst for Britain’s ‘all or nothing’ attacking policy, which nearly resulted in two tries.

Both Leon Pryce and Gary Connolly had efforts correctly turned down by the video referee, before Australia’s Trent Barrett scored two further tries to put a seal on the series.

Britain’s inability to win the Ashes now dates back to 1970, despite still managing to win one match in each of the last five series.

However, assistant coach Brian Noble was in a positive mood after the match: “They understand now what it takes to do it.”

With the prospect of a oneoff test in Sydney next year, Britain’s Paul Johnson is confident that the Lions can put right what went wrong in this series: “That would be really good because in the one-off game we feel we can really take it.”

“I’m sure the rest of the lads, like myself, would love a crack at them next week.”

Burns scoops world title crown NETWORK Q RALLY Matt Greenhill and Chris Knapman

GRONHOLM: The forgotten rally winner

WORLD RALLY Champion Richard Burns drove his Subaru into the centre of Cardiff last Sunday, with a smile on his face that looked out of place after a weekend of general disappointment, anticlimax and spectator incident that will reopen the debate on safety.

The 30-year-old from Reading had earlier finished third in the round, which gave him enough points to clinch the championship.

It was a great achievement for Burns who had come so agonisingly close on two previous occasions, and ensured his place in rallying history as the first Englishman to win the World Title.

“I have been trying to win this for the last three years. It feels absolutely amazing. I still can’t believe it. It’s just such a relief and I’m so pleased that it happened here.”

Relief was perhaps the most appropriate word since the Rally of Great Britain and the final round of the season, offered him his last chance to climb from third place behind Finn Tommi Makinen and Scot Colin McRae. With the dramatic retirements of both McRae and Makinen early on the Friday morning, Burns only had to finish fourth to secure the crown, but this bought the added pressure of knowing that the title was his to lose.

Fortunately the Englishman held his nerve and adopted a cautious approach for the remainder of the Rally to ensure he, and co-driver Robert Reid, emerged from the Welsh countryside victorious.

Indeed, such conservatism has seen Burns receive some undue criticism from some parts of

the rally world most notably from that of Colin McRae who has been locked in a bitter war of words with Burns from the beginning of this season.

McRae’s argument essentially lies in labelling Burn’s as a boring and over-cautious racer.

On reflection however, such a trait would appear to be the major strength of the Englishman and has driven him to the pinnacle of the sport, especially after McRae’s ‘entertaining’ style led him to crash out of the last three British Rallies and write off both his Ford Focus and Championship chances.

An accident on Saturday afternoon involving the Ford Focus of Carlos Sainz, which hit and injured thirteen spectators including four children, was the only thing that threatened to overshadow Burns’ triumph.

Although there were no fatalities four people had to be kept in the city hospital overnight and it served to highlight the dangers of motorsport and raised the issue of improving safety for rally spectators which has been a focal point of concern over the last few seasons.

This said, the Network Q Rally has been a great event for Cardiff and the whole of Wales to stage.

The atmosphere around the City had been vibrant and colourful as thousands of fans from around the world came together to see Peugeot score a one-two with Harri Rovanpera finishing behind last year’s champion, Finland's Marcus Gronholm.

Economically, Cardiff can only gain from holding such a lucrative event and we must hope

that more and more sporting carnivals march into the Capital in the future.

The rally is Britain’s biggest spectator sporting event, attracting over 200,000 people and it is set to stay in Cardiff for at least one more year.

The cars and drivers will line up at Monte Carlo early next year for the beginning of the new season with Colin McRae already laying down the gauntlet to Richard burns to resume battle whilst crediting him through gritted teeth.

ALISTER MCRAE: An impressive 4th place

26

●

Brecon Carreg IMG Sport

WEDNESDAY 28 NOVEMBER FOOTBALL GROUP A Momed AFC

4-2 Carbs A

R.Park Rangers

3-3 Hellenic

Hindu

1-11 Carbs B

Chemsoc II

1-1 Nomads

Pitcher 2, McCullough 2 n/a n/a

Shute, Moreno

Gavin Harris

n/a

n/a

FOOTBALL GROUP B Mathletico Madrid 1-4 Wok United Bladon

n/a

Big Cheese

0-6 Fire Engin

History

3-2 Archaelogy

Real Economics

1-8 Accountancy

n/a n/a

Cousins 3, Bilby, Emmo, Colin Nazza 2

Knibbs

Postelthwaite, Ford 3, Sudo 2, Lewis,Maceba

Irish

3-7 Chemistry

Gym Gym

4-1 Plan City

Law A

5-0 Spartak Sawsa

Pharmacy

3-0 Engin Spares

Smith 2, Worby 2 n/a n/a

n/a

Price

n/a

FOOTBALL GROUP D Jomec

8-0 Psycho Athletico

Economics

2-1 Law B

English

1-4 Torpedo Diamond

Hackers

0-2

Palmer 5, McGrath, Hassan 2 Guidi, Clarke

n/a

Danson Peters 3, Corson

Planathinaikos

n/a

ENGINEERING CONTINUED to march towards the IMG rugby title but for the second week running failed to impress in their 8-3 win over Masts.

Oversized egos could yet cost Engin dearly in the competition’s dying stages as they approached the Masts game thinking it would be a walkover, however, it was proved that it would be anything but.

Right from the start of the game the Masts forwards took control, winning ruck after ruck and stealing balls from

Engineering set pieces.

Engineering’s dismal handling and countless unforced errors ensured that the league leaders failed to dominate possession or territory for any major period of play.

The only skills adequately displayed by Engin were defensive ones, and defend they did for the majority of the game, save a rare few moments.

One of those rare moments included a breakaway try from Engin No. 8 Paul Wright to open the scores.

Engin’s top scorer ran the ball from his ten-metre line, beating three defenders in the process.

The conversion was missed and allowed Masts to close the

NETBALL Laura Welsh, Llinos Phillips and Natalie Lewis

FOOTBALL GROUP C Ian 2, James

Ego Engin may pay penalty IMG RUGBY

n/a

n/a

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

PHIST FACED Planning two weeks ago and achieved their first and well deserved victory.

Phist worked well together as a team and looked much more together.

Phist players were passing fluently and did not allow Planning much opportunity to get at the ball. The score ended 15-0 to Phist.

Stars also faced Sawsa with Sawsa gaining their first victory of the season. Sawsa looked a better team than previous weeks and worked well with much tighter play.

It was the best stars performance to date, with the team being a lot more aggressive and working hard to get the ball. In the end Sawsa outshone them and won the game 13-5.

This week in Group B English played stars in a game where flatmates and friends were to face each other.

This game showed that all friendships are forgotten when there is the serious issue of sport and the game got bad tempered.

Stars only had five players and so borrowed

scores to just two when a penalty was gratefully received and slotted home.

But a penalty at the other end finished off the scoring for the afternoon, Engin’s Adam Spiller collecting the three points with a

IMG FOOTBALL Elliot Galloway & Dicky Jones THE FINAL fixture in Group D, had a lot more at stake than simply a place in Division One, as old rivals Economics and Law B came head to head.

All involved expected a close game and the team that wanted it the most were always going to come out on top.

The game started at a rip roaring pace and it was clearly going to be an extremely physical encounter.

The lawyers although under pressure from the off, got the first goal when captain Andy Danson struck on the turn to beat the stranded Christos in the Econonomics goal.

This goal simply spurred the economists into action and they were much more solid defensively from then on, explaining why only the mighty Jomec have bettered their defensive record this year.

The Law keeper was then forced to make a series of fine saves from Clarke, Guidi and Sansom to keep the score at 10, with Winchester veteran Sansom looking particularly lively.

An equaliser seemed imminent and it was. Good build up play from the economics midfield meant Jackson was able to feed Clarke who lost his marker and fired home from close range to draw level. The Lawyers fading Premiership hopes took a killer blow when Guidi made it two before the break.

Good work by August in the Econ midfield allowed space for a through ball into the consistent striker’s path. Guidi

relished the chance as he shook off two markers before slotting the ball away.

The second period matched the first in terms of determination and chances as both sides came close on numerous occasions. But it was to be the boys in black that edged it, their team spirit and will to win typified by the hard tackling of Mullet and Davies.

And so thats that. The countdown to the Brecon Carreg IMG title can begin in earnest as the post-Christmas leagues have been defined.

Momed will be quietly confident as they enter the Premiership at a canter, maintaining a 100% record with an impressive 4-2 win over Carbs A. But the business school side will be hoping to avenge their only defeat this season when it matters as both sides will feature in the top flight next year.

Jomec will also be there as predicted, rounding off the group stage with a typically uncompromising 8-0 thrashing of Pyscho Athletico, Anthony Palmer notching five of the journalists goals in ruthless fashion.

Planathanaikos joined them in qualifying from Group D after hitting a run of form at the right time, making up for early season slip ups.

Chemsoc and Law A ended up the top two in Group C, the Chemists dropping just two points along the way.

Group B table toppers Accountancy and Real Economics came head to head in the final group games, the accountants smashing an uninspired Real 8-1, Ford getting a hat-trick in the process.

ENGIN: Complacent?

a shooter from English and a wing from Malaysian.

The English shooter performed well for Stars as did Laura Mee and Laura Chapman but English were all too skilful for the stars.

The weather turned black like the tempers of the players and the rain made for difficult playing conditions. The game ended with the final score of 15-7 with a well deserved victory for English.

Economics provided Law A with one of the closest matches of the season, with Law A just managing to hold on to a victory.

Economics displayed fluent passing and accurate shooting with Law A struggling to show their form.

Great defensive work by Sara and Camilla in the second half reduced the opportunity for Economics to score.

Special mention should go to Law’s goal attack Vicky who showed impressive form.

The game ended 15-7 to Law A with Economics proving that they are certainly a team to watch out for, having improved dramatically from last season.

Having faced Psycho B last week and lost, law B were not feeling optimistic of beating Psycho A last week.

Guidi guides Econ to Law win

As ever Division One will be closely competed with Gym Gym, History and Law B hoping to make amends for failure to make the Premiership.

Roath Park Rangers will cause problems in the second tier and after impressing during their debut season they will not want it to end with nothing to show for their efforts.

Pharmacy grabbed a deserved place in Division Two at the death with a 3-0 win over Engin Spares.

Although Ollie Maddocks’ boys have proved difficult to beat all year, their first win last week was enough to catapult them from the bottom. New boys Wok Utd will be pleased with their place in Div 2, managing a winning run after a struggling start.

In the basement division, eight teams will do battle to try and avoid the label of the university’s worst side.

Hackers, Big Cheese and Hindu have all failed to produce a win in seven outings so all will be wanting to make amends come January. It will be an uphill battle for the Hindus, whose 73 goals conceded so far is an unconfirmed IMG record.

little help from the post.

The result will be disappointing for Masts who saw the majority of run of play but ultimately were let down by their incapability to finish off moves and capitalise on opportunities.

The final score indicates a convincing victory for Psycho A but the first half was close with Law B playing well as a team.

Kate Redwood showed fine form in attack as did Rhiannon and Vicki in defence. The second half was an uphill struggle for Law B who were punished by Psycho’s pace and accuracy. Psycho A took advantage of every possible scoring opportunity leading to a final score of 24-6.

The game between Pharmacy and Chemy was expected to be fast paced and exciting and the game certainly lived up to expectations.

Pharmacy took the first centre pass and from the whistle both teams were playing to their full potentials.

Chemy demonstrated lightning passing down the court, while Pharmacy put up a tough defence. Excellent goal shooting from both teams meant a high final score of 18-9 to Pharmacy.

Other results:

UWC A UWC B Psycho B Comsoc

24-3 24-5 15-1 15-2

Phist Malaysian Carbs A Planning

FOOTBALL GROUP A Pos 1 Momed AFC 2 Carbs A 3 R.Park Rangers 4 Carbs B 5 Hellenic 6 Chemsoc II 7 Nomads 8 Hindu

P 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7

W 7 6 3 3 3 2 1 0

D 0 0 2 1 1 1 1 0

L 0 1 2 3 3 4 5 7

F 37 38 28 23 27 19 17 5

A 9 10 15 13 20 27 10 78

GD Pts +28 21 +28 18 +13 11 +10 10 +7 10 -8 7 +7 4 -73 0

FOOTBALL GROUP B Pos 1 Accountancy 2 Real Economics 3 History 4 Fire Engin 5 Wok United 6 Archaelogy 7 Mathletico Madrid 8 Big Cheese

P 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7

W 5 4 4 3 2 2 1 0

D 2 2 0 3 3 2 2 0

L 0 1 3 1 3 3 4 7

F 31 30 20 19 19 12 12 9

A 8 17 21 10 21 17 24 33

GD Pts +23 17 +13 14 -1 12 +9 11 -2 9 -5 8 -12 5 -24 0

FOOTBALL GROUP C Pos 1 Chemsoc 2 Law A 3 Gym Gym 4 Plan City 5 Irish 6 Pharmacy 7 Engin Spares 8 Spartak Sawsa

P 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7

W 6 5 4 3 2 1 2 1

D 1 1 1 0 1 3 0 1

L 0 1 2 4 4 3 5 5

F 27 30 24 16 20 14 15 15

A 12 12 16 24 22 17 29 29

GD Pts +15 19 +18 16 +8 13 -8 9 -2 7 -3 6 -14 6 -14 4

FOOTBALL GROUP D

MOMED: 100% record

Pos 1 Jomec 2 Planathinaikos 3 Economics 4 Law B 5 Torpedo Diamond 6 Psycho Athletico 7 English 8 Hackers

P 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7

W 7 5 4 4 3 3 1 0

D 0 1 0 0 1 0 0 0

L 0 1 3 3 3 4 6 7

F 39 32 18 12 16 11 8 6

A GD Pts 4 +35 21 11 +21 16 11 +7 12 16 -4 12 18 -2 10 27 -16 9 29 -21 3 29 -23 0

Sport ● 27

gairrhydd, Monday 3 December 2001

Stewart on the mark WATERPOLO Joanne Ford THIS WEEK saw the start of the UWC ladies Water Polo BUSA campaign in the University of Wales tournament held in Cardiff on Wednesday.

The draw resulted in a challenging first game, with the girls meeting UWIC. The first-half ended 3-0 as Cardiff took time to settle into their groove, and too often rushed their shooting.

As the match calmed down, the team settled into the kind of skilful water polo that has become their trademark.

With a strong squad of thirteen, Cardiff were able to substitute the entire playing side for the second half, and this added freshness allowing the team to dominate their

tiring opponents to win 9-2.

After the convincing nature of this initial win, an inexperienced Swansea side offered no defence as Cardiff strolled to an astonishing 13-0, with Nicole Stewart scoring three and helping to propel Cardiff into the next round of BUSA. Whilst the final tie against Aberystwyth proved academic, pride and the UW title were at stake and despite physical intimidation by their opponents, Cardiff leapt to a 7-0 lead at half-time.

Coach Mark Taylor motivated his charges superbly and despite bruises and scratches, UWC trumped Aber 9-2.

Another superb performance for Cardiff Waterpolo, allowing the men’s team to take up the baton in their first round UW tournament in Swansea.

It will be another test for the polo side, who continually prove to be the best Cardiff University sports team.

Unbeaten now in four years, Taylor’s boys continue to set the benchmark for all BUSA teams.

Belfourd’s troops on song BADMINTON

FENCING

Glynn Roberts and Heather Lloyd

Ahmed Yeganey and Jenny Elliott

LAST WEEKEND CU’s Ladies’ and Mens’ first teams took part in the BUSA Individual Championship’s.

The tournament started with the men’s singles, with Craig Taylor and Glynn Roberts cruising through the first round, but losing that evening.

Vicky Luke exited in the 4th round, and Cathy Parkin progressed as far as the second round.

The mixed doubles brought some success with two of UWC’s teams winning through to the second round only to be knocked out later.

The performance of the week came in the womens’ double’s as Heather Lloyd and Trudii Noake played brilliantly to reach the 4th round only beaten by a strong pair from Edinburgh.

The men’s doubles brought more disappointment but the weekend was judged a success although events were overshadowed by the tragic death of Badminton President Simon Bates who died of cancer aged 25.

CARDIFF FENCERS did exceptionally well at Warwick University last week, in the National Student Novices Fencing Championships.

The competition involved two rounds of group matches followed by a knockout stage.

Entered in the men’s competition for Cardiff were Tim Aspinall, Ter-Ping Chiam, Qitao Chen and Ahmed Yeganeh.

Unfortunately, Chiam was knocked out in the first round, while Aspinall and Chen made it to the second round.

The eventual winner of the tournament knocked out Yeganeh at the quarter-final stage whilst the Womens’ competition involved only one participant from Cardiff, Eleanor Furness.

She too made it through to the knockout stages and was unlucky to lose out in the next round.

A fine performance all round then, and the team will be confident in the next event.

KORFBALL

NETBALL

Neil Blain

Kate Edwards

AFTER A superb show, Cardiff Korfball finished second this weekend in the Southern championships at the University of East Anglia.

The team looks set to maintain its position as national champions, finishing second after narrowly losing to Cambridge in a closely fought final.

The Cardiff first team’s excellent performance was a proud testament to coach Susan Belfourd, and Captains McGrath and Christensen who have managed to reshape the team after the loss of key players from last years successful side.

Goals from Kristina Vaneker, Llew Cox and Neil Blain ensured Cardiff a place in the semi-final against UEA where top goal scorers Ben McGrath and Susan Belfourd quickly beat off any competition from their hosts.

Unfortunately the well-tuned Cambridge side defeated Cardiff 4 -3.

The Cardiff second team also performed well, coming fourth overall in a tough group.

CARDIFF'S NETBALL side tasted sweet revenge last week when they buried rivals Swansea in a comprehensive 45-24 victory which showed any doubters their BUSA championship credentials.

The Cardiff side used the last week of fixtures before Christmas to avenge Swansea's win previously in the season, the only defeat Cardiff have suffered all year.

Fitness and skill showed through as Cardiff quickly pulled away to a nine-goal lead.

In particular a determined game from attacker Lisa Bently helped to unlock the strong Swansea defence.

Cardiff soon built a significant cushion, and tiring Swansea legs could not cope with some of the noticeable individual performances from Cardiff.

Bea Chater continued with her impressive season but player of the match honours went to Cat O'Callaghan whose sterling display in defence never allowed Swansea into the game.

Cardiff Seconds: Dispatched Exeter with power and skill

Cardiff smash poor Pompey TENNIS Henrietta Eve and Anna Lambert AFTER A closely fought first encounter, UWC were expecting their return match against Portsmouth to be testing, but easily walked past a naive side.

All four singles players, Lauren Bajdala-Brown, Henrietta Eve, Anna Lamerta and Kia Smith, convincingly beat mediocre opponents.

Entering the doubles in a relaxed frame of mind, specialist Alexander Eve and Captain Naomi Simmons at second pair, and the combination of Henrietta Eve and Anna Lambert at first, made short work of Portsmouth. Final score, 6-0.

LADIES RUGBY Tamsyn Ryall COMPLACENCY COULD have crept into the UWC game this week after the recent demolition of Swansea, but Cardiff managed to keep their heads against an unknown UWE. Despite a scrappy first ten minutes, Cardiff kept the pressure on, confining their opponents to the opposite 22, allowing Kate Pitts to run over to score first.

After the team had settled,

the backs began to find gaps in the UWE defence and Cheryl Tyler made an excellent break to put down for another five points.

Cardiff stepped up a gear in the second half and quick recycling presented them with more opportunities before inside centre Given Brassington crossed the line.

Further tries by Tamsyn Ryall and a second from Cheryl Tyler took the game beyond UWE’s reach.

Penny Parsons capped things off after some superb back play, leaving the score 34-0.

RUGBY Scott Chipowski UWC SECONDS out-thought Exeter last week, winning 30-12 in an entertaining encounter.

Impressive displays came from the back row combo of Braham, Evans and Cole who were relentless in their hard tackling approach.

Winger Tom Jones and centre Tom Busden were impressive in their attacking prowess and were well supported by skipper Meharg.

This was a very impressive display all round, and several players must now see themselves on the fringe of the first team.

These individuals, will hope to put themselves in the Varsity frame.

Barnard leads No Frills to Student Nationals FRISBEE Robert Beamont EXPECTATIONS WERE high for the university club No Frills at last weekends two-day student regional tournament held at Talybont.

After preparations at the Sheffield Beginners contest and at an open competition in Cheltenham earlier in the semester, both the first and second team were looking as strong as they ever have done in the club’s four year history.

With seven universities entering it is clear that the sport is enjoying a period of rapid growth – a total of twenty teams competed – compared with 16 last year.

With the top three qualifying for student nationals in the new year, the weekend was crucial and the standard was predictably high.

Despite their seeding of third, the

first team were looking beyond qualification to the title itself.

Playing four matches on the Saturday the Cardiff firsts resolutely destroyed their opposition, even the closest game of the day against University of Western England was a 14 to 5 thrashing.

Cardiff seconds, who played five games on the Saturday, also did well and qualified for Sunday’s quarter finals guaranteeing them a top eight position, an achievement never before matched by a No Frills second string.

Despite exciting play, the third and fourth teams, No Spills and No Drills, comprising mainly of beginners, were shown-up by the experience of much of their opposition and entered the second day competing for 17th place in the play-offs.

On the Sunday the club’s fortunes were mixed. The third and fourth team failed to win the spoon award eventually being placed 19th and 20th

respectively but the firsts made it to the final easily.

The conclusive games of the weekend would be in show downs with old rivals Bristol: No Frills II were pitted against their second team in the play-off for seventh and in the final No Frills I were to play the Bristol first team, last years winners.

In both games Bristol were lucky and the seconds had to settle for 8th.

The firsts played an intensely fought final and, despite some untimely injuries, matched their stylish opposition point for point until the closing minutes.

When the final whistle blew Bristol were one up, winning 11 – 10 in a frustratingly close match.

Despite some disappointment in the latter stages the weekend was judged a success.

First team captain Dave Barnard was voted most valued player of the final and a strong team qualified for the nationals.

FRISBEE: UWC’s Stu Austin takes up a defensive stance

Sport

UNI SPORT: All the latest BUSA and IMG action

Gair Rhydd

PLUS: The strike that never was Free Word 707

Monday 3 December 2001

BUSA RESULTS CHECK AFC II

1-1

UWIC III

AFC III

1-3

AFC IV

Badminton I

0-8

Bath

Badminton II 4-5

Bristol

Badminton W 4-5

Bath

Basketball

60-61

Portsmouth

Basketball W 68-65

Glamorgan

Hockey MII

0-1

Swansea

Hockey MIII

0-3

UWE

Hockey MIV

1-0

Glamorgan

Hockey WI

2-3

Bath

Hockey WII

2-3

Bristol II

Netball I

45-24

Swansea

Netball II

46-15

Medics

RUFC I

39-12

Portsmouth

RUFC II

12-28

Exeter III

RUFC III

3-21

Bath II

Squash W

0-5

Bath

Volleyball W

3-2

Exeter

Tennis M

2-4

UWIC

Tennis W

6-0

Portsmouth

Rowse shines ROWING

Tim Clover IN WHAT was for many of the rowers the first race of the season, the trip down to Kingston showed potential for a great season ahead.

Cardiff entered nine crews into the two divisions of the Kingston Small Boats Head.

In a head race the crews race between two points on the river, beginning in a staggered fashion, and the times are recorded as they cross the finish.

Later a list of crews, times and hence winners is put up in the clubhouse for all to see.

This particular race

was just under five km or three miles.

The first off in the morning were the Senior coxless four, who once realising that the fastest way down the river was actually in it (not in trees and banks and even other boats), enjoyed periods of clean rowing.

Their time of eighteen minutes dead for five km, including a five second penalty, was a disappointing benchmark.

Next came the Quad scull, and their inability to negotiate the course resulted in an unhappy marshall disqualifying them.

However, that is all water under the bridge now, as later on in the

WOMEN’S NOVICE FOUR: Suffered from cramp

second division and in a different class, they raced and came fifth overall in the second division and third in their class.

One of the most encouraging results came from the mens’ coxed Novice four of Mike Lunn, Tim Clover, Jon Wheeler and Kev Baker who didn’t have to worry about their own steering, only that of others.

They found a good rhythm and rowed well for 1.5km until a rogue quad ploughed into them which cost them a good 30 seconds of racing time.

They set off again though, unshaken and determined, and strode across the line after eighteen minutes and fifteen secs.

This time placed them third in their class by only fifteen seconds, and many believe that had they not been hampered they would have won, but nonetheless they were happy with their performance.

Their time was only 15 seconds short of the coxless seniors and was representative of the hard work put in.

It also places the senior crews on guard for their seats in the boats for oncoming races.

Next the Senior four coxed women’s class raced, and having rowed

MENS COXED FOUR: Encouraging result

together well again this season, achieved a good time of 20 minutes and 50 seven seconds on the course here in Kingston.

Then the Senior three coxed four rowed well in their class with two of the novice men from earlier rowing again in the boat.

They found their rhythm early and settled into their stride, relaxing as they approached the final two km.

Then from nowhere the Bath crew appeared and challenged to overtake them, but our boys fought hard and with a gutsy performance held them off in style, finishing mid-division and high in

their class.

The Women’s Novice four experienced problems with cramp at stages on the course but persevered and finished strongly and well.

A superb performance came later in the day in the Novice Single scull by Daniel Rowse, who finished in a time of 18 minutes and 44 seconds, having overtaken three other competitors, in what can only be called a fine performance.

He arrived on the bank after the race with bloody hands and a big grin having sculled excellently for the university, finishing fifth.

JEANNE GIVEN DRUGS REPRIEVE AS CORK DENIES FEELING THE PRESSURE BLUEBIRDS

NOTTS COUNTY CARDIFF CITY

0 0

Nabil Hassan from Meadow Lane

BLUEBIRDS BAD boy Leon Jeanne has been handed a life-line from the Football Association of Wales after recently testing positive for a class A drug.

The Cardiff City winger tested

positive for the drug, believed to be cocaine, ten weeks ago.

Jeanne was facing a lengthy spell on the sidelines, but was yesterday handed a two year ban which will be suspended for two years.

In short if Jeanne offends again then his career with City and in football is almost certainly finished.

Essentially Jeanne can start playing for the Bluebirds immediately and could be in the squad to face Oldham this weekend.

However, it is far more likely that he will stick it out in the reserves till he has regained full match fitness.

Cardiff City have always said that they would support Jeanne with his off the field problems and their recent backing of him has been fully justified after the recent decision of the FAW. Bluebirds owner Sam Hammam

was one of the first people that Jeanne phoned with the good news, which understandably pleased him.

Hammam said: “Leon is a lucky man and I am delighted for him.

He is born-again and has been given a new life.”

Leon has now been set a three stage rehabilitation programme that will see him receive Alcoholics Anonymous style treatment, and educational support to help him learn to read and write.

Jeanne will also be put up in ‘digs’ with a City loving family that will hopefully help keep him on the straight and narrow.

Hammam who is helping to organise the treatment, hopes the rehabilitation process will benefit the Bluebirds player.

“He can be become a proper professional footballer and go on to help others. He is not a person who

is already a star and has gone off the rails,” said Hammam.”

He added: “If he succeeds in his aims, Leon can help other people who have his condition.”

Meanwhile City’s mixed fortunes on the pitch continued with a dour nil-nil draw against Notts County at Meadow Lane.

With a somewhat understrength side which included Graham Kavanagh, Paul Brayson and Peter Thorne among the absentees, Cardiff failed to make any impression on a resilient County defence.

Alan Cork refused to accept he is under pressure after Saturdays goalless draw at Notts County.

He said: “I’m not under pressure from anyone really because there’s only man in charge and that’s Sam. He deals with the pressure. I’m on the football.”

JEANNE: Escapes lengthy ban

VISIT THE BLUEBIRDS AT: WWW.Cardiffcityfc.co.uk

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