gair rhydd - Issue 718

Inside GRiP: Film get overprotective of Britney's new film

World Cup fever

Sport chart the voyage to the final

MONDAY 22ND APRIL / FREE WORD 718

gairrhydd CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

Union wins 2am licence Dominic O’Neill reports REVELLERS WILL be raising their glasses to the local authorities this week on hearing that a five-year campaign to have the Union’s late licence extended has been successful The surprise move came last week when, after an hour’s deliberation, the licensing committee at Cardiff County Hall decided it was time the Students’ Union had the same rights as other clubs in the area.

The organisation has been applying for an extension of its license for the past five years, but has always seen it turned down as a result of strong opposition from local residents and politicians.

The man in charge of the Union’s campaign for longer opening hours, Communications and Community officer Elaye Clark said staff at the Union were “very, very happy”.

“There is a kind of jubilation going through this place,” he said, “We have worked hard for this. I have always thought that our situation warrants an extension of the licence, but it has been very difficult.”

“During freshers’ week we always get a lot of complaints, usually to do with students getting in and out of the Union. We had a lot of trouble even renewing the licence in 1998. But being a good neighbour and working closely with community groups has come to fruition.”

Solus nightclub and the Great Hall can now stay open until 2am, although they have to stop serving alcohol an hour earlier.

Seren Las bar and the Tafarn pub will be permitted to stay open until 1am.

It is expected that the licence will be put in to almost immediate operation for certain Union nights.

The Union has been rewarded with the new licence after making a concerted effort to improve community relations, especially through the long-running “Save Our Union Licence” campaign (SOUL).

The Union emphasised the ways in which it contributed to the local area with services such as the volunteering group Student Community Action and through close ties with Community Police officer PC Bob Keohane.

The Union’s case also

“If we didn’t have the licence, we wouldn’t be able to provide services for students. We now have to ensure we keep it” ELAYE CLARKE

Elaye Clarke and the Union team that secured the extended licence focused on other clubs in the city many of which hold the late licence.

Particular attention was drawn to Incognito, just a few yards away from the Student Union building, but licensed to stay open until 2am.

“Competition has been a lot fiercer with the nightclubs just a few hundred yards down the road,” said Elaye Clark.

“The increased money from

Official launch for Bond Bank scheme Mark Cobley reports THE EAGERLY anticipated scheme designed to protect student tenants was officially launched by the Welsh Assembly on Tuesday.

The Custodial Bond Scheme, campaigned for by Gair Rhydd, is now in operation across Cardiff. It aims to provide an extra means of protection to those renting private accommodation, by holding

the tenants’ bond – a payment made as an insurance against damage – instead of the landlord having it.

Cardiff Bond Board spokeswoman Melanie Williams said, “Using the scheme is very straightforward. It’s simply one form for the tenants and one for the landlords, perhaps five minutes’ work.”

The scheme was welcomed with cross party support in the Assembly, and received

backing from all of the city’s universities as well as Cardiff County Council.

For a number of years organisations such as Shelter, National Consumer Council and Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) have been highlighting problems over the non-return of bonds.

Indeed a report published in 1998 by CAB showed that as many as forty-eight per cent of their clients who paid a deposit thought it had been

the late licence goes straight back into beneficial services for the students. If we didn’t have the licence, we wouldn’t be able to provide services for students. We now have to ensure we keep it. This means we have to work as hard, if not harder, to maintain positive relationships with the community. Students have to remember to behave themselves.” withheld unfairly.

Previously the only course of action available to tenants whose money was not returned was to go to court.

The bond bank scheme has attracted scores of enquiries and already holds thirty-four bonds on behalf of tenants. It is open to all private sector landlords and tenants and involves no charge to either.

Thirty-five landlords and agencies across Cardiff have expressed interest in the scheme but many say they will only sign up if tenants request that they do so.

Information on the scheme and the forms required can be obtained both before or after a property has been found by calling the Cardiff Bond Board on 029 2037 1377.

Opposition to the proposal included Labour councillor for Plasnewydd Anne Cox, who spoke strongly against it during the hearing. She was joined by five other councillors and the usually student friendly Cardiff Central MP Jon Owen Jones.

Mr Owen Jones will no doubt have lost a lot of supporters in voicing strong reservations to granting the Union its licence.

PHOTO: ROBIN JACKSON

He said that he thought it “not reasonable for residents to be woken at 2am.”

Harriet Street resident Gregory Norton commented, “I am not happy about this. Most students are alright, but some go over the top. We’ve experienced vandalism to our property and a lot of screaming and shouting. I am worried that if the club opens later, we’ll get even less sleep”.

"I think that it’s important just to have fun, be happy, hang out with your friends and, most importantly, be true to your heart."

WE INTERVIEW BRITNEY SPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEATURES, PAGE 21 News p1–6 ● Letters p7 ● GRiP p11 TV listings p13 ● Features p21 ● Sport p38

News 2

IN BRIEF Fraudster targets Halls

STUDENTS ARE warned to be on the alert after a female, claiming to be a representative from an insurance company in Manchester, persuaded a student at University Hall to hand over bank and credit card details.

The woman, who gave her name as Kirsty MacMahon, claimed to be selling personal injury insurance from Optima Theme Ltd who have now confirmed that Ms McMahon does not work for them.

Ms McMahon has a Scottish accent and dark, shoulderlength hair. At the time she was smartly dressed with a full face of make-up.

Focus Groups

A FOCUS group has been created to allow students to have a say in the way that Union entertainment is run.

The Union are keen to hear students views on the nights on offer in Solus, the drinks promotions, the layout of the Tafarn and any ideas that they may have to improve the services that the Union offers.

The group will meet in Buffers in Solus on Friday 26th April at 12pm.

STD campaign

THE NATIONAL Assembly for Wales has launched a campaign to ensure that young people living in Wales are made fully aware of the risks of STD’s.

Following the Welsh Omnibus Survey, which showed reported infections of chlamydia in the student population have doubled over the past five years, the campaign aims to promote safer sex, advice and available services.

And, with National Condom Week running from 6-12 May, there is no excuse not to practice safer sex.

Apology

Gair Rhydd would like to apologise to Phillipa Burns by any offence caused by the confusingly edited letter regarding her thoughts on the chlamydia article that appeared in Gair Rhydd. We would also like to point out that the article on sexually transmitted diseases was written by her.

Gair Rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN

Demo anger at ‘cruel’ University

Good job news for Graduates Peter Wearn reports

Mark Cobley reports THE CONTROVERSY over Cardiff University’s continued involvement with Newchurch guinea farm looks set to explode again this week when animal rights protesters take to the streets on Tuesday.

They will demonstrate ‘loudly and proudly’ to cause maximum disruption to the University’s open day.

The groups claim that the farms at Newchurch, which supply the University’s Pharmacology Department with guinea pigs, breach RSPCA guidelines on the care of the animals. They also claim that the experimentation at the Department is unethical.

University officials strenuously deny both of these claims, pointing out that research at the University not only meets Home Office standards but also has won awards in the field of medical research.

The protest is being organised by two groups, South Wales Animal Protection and Save the Newchurch Guinea Pigs.

They previously rose to prominence in February by distributing leaflets to houses

Demonstrators prepare to get their voices heard at the university in the area and presenting a petition of 2,000 names to the University. They claim they have received no response.

A University spokesman disputed this, saying the University had replied straightaway.

He went on to say, “The Home Office inspectorate undertakes regular and unannounced inspection of Newchurch Farm to ensure that it complies with strict legislative requirements.

“Any concerns or evidence to the contrary should be addressed to either the Home Office or the police. The

University has made its own enquiries and found no such evidence.

“The University is working to alleviate human suffering through the advancement of biological and medical understanding, and animal research has a crucial part to play in this process.”

The RSPCA re-iterated that they could not comment specifically on Newchurch Farm as they have never inspected it themselves.

However, they voiced concerns that the claims may “divert attention away from genuine animal welfare

issues.” Newchurch Farm themselves declined to comment.

Students at the Pharmacy department, however, are becoming concerned at the furore surrounding their studies.

One student said, “Some of my friends had protestors harassing them last year.

They shouted ‘murderers’ and stopped us getting to lectures. It was a bit scary.”

Another added, “By the time we get the guinea pigs it’s just tiny little bits of intestine that we experiment on. I don’t see how that’s cruel.”

JOB NEWS may be optimistic for those graduating this summer, in spite of pessimistic predictions at the end of last year.

The majority of firms are planning to recruit new staff over the next few months according to a recent poll.

Employment firm Reed conducted a survey of almost 1000 firms and discovered that a third of them are actually expanding, while only 9 per cent planned job cuts between now and June.

Half of the firms expected to replace those workers that left.

The skills most in demand are those of experienced sales and secretarial staff, however there are also shortages of engineers and accountants.

Job seekers may need a willingness to move as the best prospects are currently in the Thames Valley, the Southwest of England, East Anglia and Northern Ireland, with firms in those areas most likely to expand.

Those recruiting most cautiously were in Scotland, Northwest England and London.

James Reed, chief executive of the recruitment firm recommended “cautious optimism”.

He continued, “After a difficult period, it seems organisations are beginning to set their sights on expansion”.

Oxford hit Young people and Welsh by cash-for- ‘the most British’ in UK places row Anna Hodgekiss reports

OFFICIALS AT Oxford University were left red faced following a cash-for-places scandal and allegations of racial discrimination.

Pembroke College, one of Oxford’s oldest colleges, fell victim to a trap set by the Sunday Times. One of the newspaper’s reporters set out to discover how easily university entry could be bought, and posing as a wealthy American banker found how money superseded A Level points

EDITORIAL 02920 781434/436 ADVERTISING 02920 781416 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 22ND APRIL 2002

Oxford is hit by scandal

in getting his ‘son’ on to the course.

Although his ‘son’ fell short of the points required to be admitted to the law course, an ‘extra’ place was found when the journalist offered to donate £300,000 to the college.

A senior member of staff, Rev. John Platt disclosed to the ‘banker’ that similar deals had occurred previously, with the money being placed into a secret trust.

Following publication of the incident Platt and a colleague resigned, with the prestigious University hastily disassociating itself from the scandal.

An enquiry has subsequently been announced with the University’s vice-chancellor Dr. Colin Lucas stating he was appalled by the cash-forplaces disgrace, saying, “such action would contravene all the principles on which our admissions process is based”.

Unfortunately, with higher education funding increasingly squeezed, there is enhanced potential for a repeat scenario at any university.

The Welsh show the most support for the police Mark Cobley reports PERHAPS CONTRARY to expectations, it has emerged that the Welsh are more proud of traditional British institutions than anyone in Britain. Still more surprisingly, young people across the country place the most faith in the government.

These findings were revealed by research conducted in March by NOP for the Nationwide building society. The research was published last week.

The survey found that most British people are proudest of their families, followed by their nationality.

Welsh

people, however, were more proud of their nationality – 65 per cent said they felt ‘extremely proud’ as opposed to 58 per cent for Britain as a whole.

The Welsh were also the most positive about the armed forces (91 per cent) and the police force (84 per cent).

Also surprisingly, young people are the most proud of the government, with 45 per cent of 18-24 year olds saying they have pride in Blair’s administration. Among old people, pride in the government hits a low of 37 per cent.

This trend is reversed in

attitudes to the police, where over a quarter (27 per cent) of young people say they are ashamed of them, while over65s are the most proud.

Unsurprisingly, where the monarchy was concerned those aged over 65 were more proud, with 79 per cent feeling this way. Among those aged 18-24 this drops to 55 per cent. It must be noted, however, that the survey was conducted shortly before the recent death of the Queen Mother.

Nationwide’s chief executive Philip Williamson said: “It didn’t really surprise me to see that the traditional British institutions that we know and love still engender so much national pride.”

Plaid Cymru had a different view on the research, however. Their student spokesman at the University, Craig Spanswick, said, “Traditional British institutions play a vital role in Wales, and I believe that the Welsh nation is particularly proud of the contribution that the Welsh make to British institutions. They both are, at present, inextricably related.”

He went on, “This does not mean that the Welsh consider themselves to be more British, but are proud of being Welsh, that contributes to being British.”

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 22ND APRIL 2002

World Cup dreams dashed by exams James Bladon reports AS THE examination period edges closer hundreds of Cardiff University students will be getting early nights, nervously biting their nails and spending hours on end in their rooms.

However it won’t be the thought of examinations that will cause anxiety for many.

Rather the stress will come from worrying about the fortunes of their teams in this summers World Cup which kicks off on 31 May. However, for scores of students the publication of the examination timetable has taken the shine off the tournament before it has even started.

Many will have their minds on a corner of a foreign field as they sit exams that clash with vital World Cup fixtures.

Third year Sociology student and England fan Michael Pearlman was dealt a crushing blow when he discovered he will have to sit an exam as England play their vital Group F game against tournament favourites Argentina.

Michael said “I couldn’t believe it when I opened the envelope and saw I had an

“When I raised the problem I was laughed at by my lecturer”

exam on the 7th June.”

“Of course as soon as I saw the date and time I knew it clashed with the Argentina game. I am gutted – the World Cup is the tournament you relish for years in advance. I can’t believe I will be missing such a crucial game.”

Mr Pearlman continued, “What is so frustrating is when I raised the problem I was laughed at by my lecturer.”

Cardiff Students’ Union President Tom McGarry said of the problems, “although this isn’t the most serious issue we have ever come across, if students wish to bring this degree threatening problem to the attention of the Sabbatical Officers then we will of course do our jobs and act on their behalf.”

McGarry continued “The Union will be showing all the games during the tournament so if anyone wants to speak to any of the Sabbatical Officers they will be able to find them in the bars.”

And in a typically patriotic outburst Irishman McGarry also added “But if you want to see James Sommerville or Elaye Clark I suggest you get in early as England and Nigeria won’t last beyond the first round.”

However it is not only football fanatics who are concerned about the detrimental effects of sitting exams during big World Cup fixtures.

The Talybont Sports Centre is one of the largest exam venues used by the University, and is just yards

News 3

Cardiff transport receives facelift Daniel Keel reports

Michael Pearlman enjoying football while he can from the Social – a favourite watering hole for sports fans.

Over 300 hundred excited fans are expected to pack the bar when England are playing their group games.

Talybont Bar Manager Mrs Radford said “We are always busier during the exam period and depending on what games are on I imagine it will be no different this year.”

“We will have the televisions on in the bar and will be showing all the games we can” The University have so far been reluctant to consider

switching the dates of exams that clash with home nation games.

In a statement from the University’s Academic Registry, a spokesperson said, “Examination timetables have to be constructed to take account of a number of constraints. The University schedules 1038 different examinations for 12629 students generating 54177 separate sittings over a particularly intense period.”

“In the event that extraneous noise for example impacts on the students in a particular venue, invigilators

PHOTO: JAMES BLADON

are expected to report on these matters so that examiners may be made aware, and take account of, the possible impact of disturbance on student performance.”

Although Michael Pearlman briefly considered trying to get the date of his exam changed, he has now resigned himself to missing the game.

“I think I’m going to have to record the match and avoid hearing the score before I can watch it. I haven’t yet ruled out wearing earplugs and a blindfold during the exam.”

CARDIFF BUSES have launched a new service based on the model of the London Underground.

Students travelling around the city will now be able to ride the, ‘Cardiff Overground,’ a service designed to simplify public transport and encourage people to leave their cars behind.

The revamped system is based on the world famous London tube map in an attempt to make the routes and timetables easier to understand. It aims to modernise bus travel across Cardiff and will serve 15 separate districts.

Steve Pantak, chairman of Cardiff Buses, explained, “Making bus travel as simple and frequent as possible is the key to getting more people to leave their cars at home.”

“This is the first time a bus operator in Wales has undertaken such an ambitious scheme, and the use of the tube-style map to illustrate routes is another first for Cardiff Buses.’’

The company decided that the previous system which contained 101 routes illustrated by numerous maps, was discouraging people from using the service as it was too complicated.

Cardiff County Council is expected to partly finance the Cardiff Overground in an effort to aid congestion and pollution problems in the city centre.

By-elections Xpress joy at race is on station re-launch Anna Hodgekiss reports CARDIFF’S UNIVERSITY’S award winning radio station, Xpress FM, has returned to the airwaves this week for its first broadcast of 2002.

Xpress went live at the stroke of midnight in Solus last Friday, and will be on air until May 17 on its new frequency of 87.9FM The 28-day broadcast promises a wide range of programming, with music shows covering a diverse selection of genres including local bands and live music in addition to features and regular news updates.

Alongside Radio One Student Radio Award winners Nick Simon and Jamie Dunbar is a wave of new talent which an estimated audience of 10,000 people across

the capital will be tune in to hear.

Station Manager Emma Gait-Carr encouraged students to choose the station during the revision period, saying, “The whole team is really excited about this broadcast.”

“We’ve got some brilliant new DJs who promise to bring a fresh sound to Xpress Radio. We’ve all worked really hard to ensure that this broadcast will be one of the best yet”.

Staff at Xpress FM are hoping that this years broadcasts will help the station to hang on to its reputation as one of the best university stations in the country.

At last year’s prestigious Radio One awards the Xpress team were nominated for eight awards.

Lydia Kirby reports

Xpress DJ Suzanne Carter at work

PHOTO: JAMES BLADON

ELECTION FEVER is once again spreading across the Union as nominations open for the Sabbatical and NonSabbatical By-elections.

The Sabbatical position of Communications and Community Officer, currently taken by Elaye Clark, is the only full-time post available.

Non-Sabbatical positions to be contested at the byelection include Mature Students’ Officer, LGB Students’ Officer, Students with Disabilities Officer, IMG chair and AU Vice-President.

The deadline for nominations is 5pm this Friday (26 April). Candidates will then have two weeks to campaign before elections take place on Wednesday 8 and Thursday 9 May.

Societies and Union Secretary, James Sommerville said “I hope plenty of candidates decide to come forward to run for these positions.”

“It is a great opportunity to put something back in the Union.”

Although campaigning is not expected to compare to the scenes experienced during the recent Sabbatical elections, prospective candidates will for a short time at least become a familiar fixture in the Union Any Cardiff student interested in running for a position is advised to go to the third floor of the Student Union building.

Information packs and nomination papers can be collected from Student Liasion Officer, Rona Griffiths, at the Student Advice centre.

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 22nd APRIL 2002

News 4

The Week New Mirror image In Print reflects the past

Gair Rhydd tribute to Ben Hollioake Words by JJR Callows THE SPARTANS, who resided in ancient Greece, had a curious manner of rearing their young.

At a tender age the young were sent out at night to fend for themselves. Those who came back were assimilated into society, and those who did not, simply perished.

At the age of 19, Ben Caine Hollioake was introduced to the English cricket selectors own Spartan policy, sent out to bat at number three against a rampant Australian side – a pack of wolves led my McGrath and Warne.

The cocksure youth returned to the pavilion having compiled a luscious compendium of straight drives, swept sixes and pulls to the value of 63 runs, effectively turning the game.

The fledgling had survived.

He represented a classic double act with his brother and mentor Adam, who was the gritty, pugnacious opposite of Ben’s lackadaisical elegance. The

Chitty chitty goes bang bang Dominic O’Neill reports CHITTY CHITTY Bang Bang’s second excursion since 1968 left theatre-goers in tears as the fantastic engines failed to start.

A stage adaptation of the story of a wacky inventor’s flying car started at the London Palladium to rave reviews last week.

But the £750,000 vehicle, which is meant to fly across the stage thanks to the car’s “secret propulsion”, had to stay in the garage due to technical problems.

The musical is the most expensive ever to be performed in the West End and is sold out until October.

Directed by the RSC’s Adrian Noble, it received a standing ovation from an audience of over 2,000 people on its first night.

Producer Michael Rose said the breakdown on its second night, which caused the show to be completely called off, was due to problem’s with the car’s computer system.

“We had to replace a component at the last minute,” he said, “It’s not the first time a West End star has thrown a strop and been given a stern talking to.”

Producers managed to get the car started again later that night. It was ready for the next performance on Thursday morning.

two provided an attractive figurehead to a sport trying to drag itself out of the mire, and they made their test debuts together.

The meteoric rise was followed by a steady, if frustrating consolidation in county cricket. He batted too low for Surrey and struggled to align his bowling, but the natural talent glimmered intermittently, and last season two match winning cup performances saw a recall to the England fold.

Despite giving the impression of a cool, callow youth, few people worked harder on their game last year, and it was the cruellest of blows to have all his travails negated by his tragic death. The Spartans were resigned to their fates, and fate has cheated us yet again, depriving us of the continuing development of something special.

Ben was a gem whose sparkle outshone his achievements, but whose talent will glow forever in our memories.

THE MIRROR editor, Piers Morgan, this week announced a £20m re-launch of the Mirror to its 2.1 million readers.

In a bold move the paper will restore the word ‘Daily’ to the title, drop the red top and re-hire a number of exMirror journalists.

The changes are intended to signal the ‘Daily Mirror’s’ commitment to serious journalism after Morgan’s pledge to focus on hard news in the wake of September 11th.

“For too long we have underestimated our readers” Morgan explained to shocked industry representatives.

The ‘sleazy and tacky’ masthead has been dropped in order to avoid unfavourable comparisons with the Sun. According to Morgan the changes are “about becoming a serious paper with serious news, serious sport and serious gossip.”

Media pundits were initially perplexed at Morgan’s change of heart. In the last major relaunch in 1997 Morgan proudly dropped the ‘Daily’ from the title, praised the

Terrorism feared as aeroplane hits skyscraper Lydia Kirby reports THE HORRORS of September 11 were relived when a plane crashed into a skyscraper in Italy.

Four people were killed and 70 injured when the Rockwell Commando, carrying just the pilot, Luigi Fasulo, 68, flew into the 30- storey Pirelli Building in Milan last Thursday.

President Bush was informed immediately and military aircraft put on alert in anticipation of another terrorist attack.

The plane burst into flames

The scene of the crash

“We are about becoming a serious paper with serious news, serious sport and serious gossip”

David Lindsell reports

immediately, engulfing the top four floors in fire but, miraculously, the top seven floors were unoccupied at the time. The injuries were sustained from falling debris or from desperate attempts to flee the building. An eyewitness, Stacy Kohmetscher from America, was just 50 yards from the building when the plane crashed and described the scene as ‘terrifying.’

“People were running away and screaming in terror. It felt just like September 11. There was a big explosion, then another explosion and smoke billowed from the building.”

President Bush immediately ordered his chief staff to send Italy any help needed while, in New York, the stock market plummeted and people all over the world feared a repeat of last September’s disaster.

However, while the world waited on tenterhooks, police confirmed later the same day that the crash was not a terrorist attack but a tragic accident.

The pilot, Mr Fasulo, had lost control over his plane after contacting ground control in Milan requesting permission to land.

A taped conversation between the pilot and ground control confirmed that Mr. Fasulo had sent out a distress call four minutes before crashing into the building.

PIERS MORGAN DAILY MIRROR EDITOR

The new-look Daily Mirror wants to be taken seriously significance of the red top and slated ex-Mirror journalists.

This about turn was in contrast to an interview Morgan gave to the Guardian in 1997.

At the time Morgan downplayed the legendary status of the Cassandra column which championed people rights and was once sued for questioning Liberace’s sexuality.

Morgan said “Some days he was good and some days he was pretty dull”. This week he

changed his tune, restoring the column and describing it as “the spirit of the Mirror for decades – challenging, sharp, funny and irreverent.”

In the 1997 interview Morgan also criticised former employees who were “convinced the Mirror could have only possibly have been any good when they were working for it”.

This week, in a sign of his forgetful and forgiving nature, he hailed the return of the “legendary campaigning

journalist” John Pilger.

Along with the Welsh former editor and Mirror legend, Hugh Cudlipp, Pilger was one of the Mirror’s most outspoken critics deriding its downmarket dive as well as of its slow and steady decline in readership from the heydays of 5 million readers.

The Mirror’s apparent drive upmarket and left-wards since September 11 has resulted in a round of media awards, and applause from pundits yearning for the Mirrors pseudo-socialist roots.

The paper has also received criticism from the government for its anti-war stance and from the old enemy, The Sun.

Programme until Thursday 25th April 2002. Please ring the information line for this weekend’s listings.

The Scorpion King (12) 11.40 2.00 4.15 6.30 9.00 Late night show - Fri & Sat only 11.30

The One (15)

11.45 - Daily except Sat & Sun 2.25 4.30 6.45 9.10 Late night show - Fri & Sat only 11.30

Blade 2 (18)

11.50 3.15 6.15 8.00

Y Tu Mama Tambien (18) 11.50 - Daily except Sun 3.00 5.40 8.30 Late Night Shoe - Fri & Sat only 11.40

Collatoral Damage (15) Not showing Sunday or Thursday 11.40 3.00 6.00 8.40 Late Night show - Fri & Sat only 11.40

E.T. (U) 11.40 2.30

Kate and Leopold (12) 5.30 8.30

Senior Citizens Club Thursday Morning only £1.70 per ticket

Castaway (12) Starts 11.00 Ends 1.30

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (tbc)

Opens Thursday 16th May Book your tickets from Thursday 18th April 10.00 11.00 12.00 1.00 2.00 3.15 4.15 5.15 6.30 7.30 8.30 - Thursday to Sunday 9.45 - Thursday to Sunday 9.45 - Thursday to Saturday only 11.00 1.00 1.30 2.00 4.15 4.45 5.15 6.30 7.30 8.00 8.30 - Mon - Thu Late night show - Fri & Sat only 10.45 11.45

About a Boy (12)

Advance Screenings Sunday and Thursday only 11.30 12.45 1.45 3.00 4.00 5.30 6.20 8.15 8.50

Bend It Like Beckham (12) 11.30 12.20 2.10 3.10 5.00 6.00 8.00 8.45 Late Night Show - Fri & Sat only 10.40 11.30

24 Hour Party People (18) 11.15- Daily except Sat, Sun & Thu 2.50 5.40 - Daily except Sun & Thu 8.45 - Daily Late Night Show - Fri & Sat only 11.35

The Count of Monte Cristo (PG) 11.30 2.20 5.20 8.20

The Queen of The Damned (15) 11.10 1.30 - Daily except Sat & Sun 3.50 6.10 8.50 - Daily Late Night show - Fri & Sat only 11.15

K-Pax (15)

11.40 2.30 5.20 8.20 Late Night show - Fri & Sat only 11.10

Ice Age (U)

11.30 1.30 3.45 6.10

Monsters Inc (U) Sat & Sun only 11.00 1.00

Jimmy Neutron (U) Sat & Sun only 11.10 1.10

Return to Neverland (U) Sat & Sun only 11.00 12.45

Ali G In Da House (15)

The Royal Tenenbaums (12)

Crossroads (PG)

Saturday Morning Only £1.50 per ticket A Bugs Life (U) Starts 10.00 Ends 11.30

11.15 - Daily except Thursday 1.40 4.00 - Daily 6.00 8.10 - Daily except Wednesday 8.30 - Wednesday only Late Night Show - Fri & Sat only 10.30

8.20

UGC Kids

11.10 1.45 4.10 6.25 6.40 - Daily except Sun & Thu

Any screening £2.95 for students with valid NUS Card.

Gair Rhydd and Xpress Radio Media Awards 2002

e h t d n A

. . . s i r e n win

Have you got what it takes to win it big?

Friday 3rd May Great Hall 7.30pm – late

Watch this space for more information

Sponsored by

gairrhydd, Monday 22nd April 2002

Letter of the Week The author of this week’s Letter of the Week wins something or other vaguely associated with Britney.

Every other section is doing it so why shouldn’t I? Dear Gair Rhydd, I certainly haven’t made a habit of throwing my weight around in the Student Media, but as Chair of the Student’s Union Council I feel obliged to respond to Neill’s references to SUC (“Letter of the Week”, GR717), which are ill-informed, ill-conceived, and show a breathtaking audacity. These students give up their time to represent you, taking action on issues that matter to students. We were quick to express utter condemnation of the treatment of LGB students by a local bar, and thanks to SUC Post-Grads now have their own non-sabbatical officer.

Student representatives have spoken up for longer library hours in the run-up to exams and hopefully we’ll see that delivered too. How “lazy” does that sound? Frankly, the people who do give enough of a damn to try, again and again, to improve things for students have every right to feel frustrated by the apathy of others.

Differences of opinion on how to run the Union are part and parcel of democracy. However, sniping from behind the veil of a letter, Neill, when you obviously can’t be bothered to get your facts in order and lack the courage of your convictions to put your full name to your remarks, is simply bad form. It detracts from from a legitimate opinion and doesn’t do you or your argument any favours. If you are genuinely concerned about making a constructive contribution to our student democracy, I look forward to welcoming you to SUC next year. Failing that, could Lettersdesk please do us a favour and ensure that his prize ticket to Trumpton is of the one-way variety.

Yours, Matt Lydon Chair, SUC P.S. Any member of the Union can attend SUC meetings as an observer. Our next meeting is on April 15th at 6.30pm in the Bevan Council Room.

Letterdesk says: Hear, hear. We should be thanking those people who take the time out to actually keep this place up and running, not slating them at every opportunity. And for those of you who actually give a shit about the way the union is run, we will print an AGM special in next week’s issue.

‘sa Bit Nippy!!!

Dear Gair Rhydd, Yesterday was what by far the most scrotum retracting evening since I have been in Cathays. At 8pm or so I set out attired in chunky jumper, fleece and cap to go to the

shop. I got halfway up the street and had to turn back...f**king freezing it was. Anyhow, I put on a couple of extra layers and told my flatmates “I may be some time” before attempting to reach the north face of Salisbury Stores once more. On my way there I came across several groups of scantily clad babes going

out presumably to Lash. They were wearing mini-skirts...and low cut blousons!!! (Is blouson a valid term these days Jane?) I have thereby deduced that, had Scott acquired the services of a dozen or so young Cardiff girls instead of huskies he would have jabbed the flag of the Union into the Antarctic permafrost before Amundsen had even unpacked his crampons.

All the best, Ponyupthedough Lettersdesk says: Bear in mind, dear reader, that this letter was written in the middle of March and thus such observations are entirely valid. Alas, in these days of heightened feminist feeling, I just can’t see the Cardiff girls agreeing to their side of the whole huskiereplacement bargain.

So Alone Dear Gair Rhydd, On a note of absolutely no significance to the world or that matter anybody. As any respectable student avoiding real work should, I discovered a blinding piece of knowledge whilst browsing through the internet: the name Solus actually means “alone”. Am wondering if those naming it were deeply depressed, or whether it’s actually a shrewd observation of the state of most students when they eventually stumble home at the end of the night...???

Yours, A 1st year, hence so much time to burn

Sab Slating Dear Gair Rhydd, The mindset of a sabbatical candidate?

“Shit, it’s my final year, I may have to go into the real world soon and converse with adults, I won’t be able to go to and be a greasy twat in Lashtastic anymore and I may have to move somewhere where students do not outnumber real people. What

the fuck am I going to do?

Hmmm, what was all that fuss about on the union steps, I seem to remember they actually get paid for pretty much being a student and that it looks ‘well good’ on a CV. THAT’S IT!!! I’ll do what my mate’s doing and run for the elections, it’ll be a wicked laugh standing on the union steps dressed as a complete twat and shouting at people, they’ll vote for me cos I have mates with large breasts that’ll help me, and I’ll hand out sweeties.

I’ll get in free to Lash and will probably get shags off first-years cos I’ll be in charge and they’ll be in awe.

Oh yeah, I’ll be expected to do some work and actually improve the union, no hang on, its only for a year and no-one will know or care who’s in charge anyway and even if they do I’ll be off with my shiny CV and 13 grand before they can catch me.

Perfect!

Hmm, which job shall I run for? I have no experience in any of the areas but that shouldn’t matter, if my poster is nice and vague and I think of a really good catchphrase then I’ll win. Oh and I have loads of mates and I’ll get them all to vote for me.

Right lets get down to The End and the baguette shop and put up some posters...”

Yours, RC

Cunning as a Fox Dear Gair Rhydd, I must express my outrage on finding out the knowledge that fox hunting looks almost certain to be banned. Fox hunting is part of our national heritage and tradition. I honestly don’t see what is wrong with the sport.

Animals are killed all the time for food, so why not for sport. I think people are scared to tell it how it is.

They obviously don’t have any real significant feelings anyway - so what’s the problem on the ethical side? And seeing a dog chase down and rip a little fox to shreds, or allow a double barrel rifle to finish them

Letters ● 7 off definitely brings an adrenaline rush to me and many others. This may seem slightly distasteful, but is it any worse than bear baiting, cock fighting, boxing ultimate fighting, bowls, and other totally legitimate sports.

My underlining point is that mankind is better than animals. I think the only people against it are basically just wimps – its not like these anti-fox-hunters are animal loving veggies – they eat meat like the rest of us. So why not have a bit of fun with it? How can you call yourself a real man unless you’ve shot an animal or been in a fight (like Fight Club). In summary: Save Fox Hunting.

Andy, 2nd Year Zoology

Caring for the community Dear Gair Rhydd, I am surrounded by studentoccupied houses which is OK with me as young students seem to invigorate the area.

The various students who have moved into adjoining houses have always been very pleasant and polite. They drop a note through the door to warn me when they are going to have a noisy end-of-term party.

I find it very funny when they lock themselves out and have to troop through my house to clamber over the wall.

Everything was fine until a few weeks ago when a gathering of students had a party in the backyard of a house in Salisbury road, backing my home. One of them threw a large, full beer can over the wall. Unfortunately it hit the downpipe of my kitchen extension and smashed it.

Whoever you are – next time do not be so wasteful. Please drink all the beer before you throw the can away!

Sincerely Barbara MacArthur (75) Full time IT student

Please send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Crossword Welcome back to this small corner of GR which will be forever “Crossword”. If they’ve got any sense.

ACROSS: 7.Having two spouses at the same time (6) 8. ______ down, inverted (6) 9. Thick blanket used when travelling (3) 10. Grasping claw (6) 11. Increase (6) 12. Food for horses (3) 14. Of late (5) 17. Restart legal proceedings (5) 19. Dodge (5) 20. Fowl’s resting place (5) 23. Move rhythmically to music (5) 26. Took nourishment (3) 28. Record player needle (6) 29. Shooting star (6) 30. Anger (3) 31. Runner-up (6) 32. Critical account (6) DOWN: 1. Robustly masculine (6)

2. Scamp (6) 3. Aromatic ointment, a gift from one of the three wise men (5) 4. Small vehicle or push-chair (5) 5. On dry land (6) 6. Newspaper manager (6) 13. Grown up (5) 15. What person? (3) 16. However (3) 17. Colour of danger (3) 18. Large cask (3) 21. Beginning (6) 22. Game fish (6) 24. On the go (6) 25. Person who makes barrels (6) 26. Apart (5) 27. Nail-filing board (5) Get your answers to the gair rhydd office before Wednesday and the winner will be announced in the next issue. 717’s winner was Grumpy Alvin Lai. Top Banana.

716’s solution: ACROSS: 1.Rigmarole; 8.Saga; 9.Storeroom; 10.Wren; 13.Olden; 16.Scuff; 17.Until; 18.Fetid; 19.Arena; 20.Gilts; 21.Large; 24.Army; 27.Abominate; 28.Oust; 29.Stitching. DOWN: 2.Into; 3.Mare; 4.Rural; 5.Loose; 6. Fairytale; 7.Dauntless; 11.

Escalator; 12. Outermost; 13.Offal; 14.Deter; 15.Nudge; 22.Abbot; 23.Gamut; 25.Ankh; 26.Stun.

Name:_______________________ Email:________________________ Now that the Summer is here . . . . . ____________________________________________________________________

This week’s winner wins a meal for two at Chillies Restaurant and Takeaway

8 ● Classifieds

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

●

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

●

25 pence per bold word

●

30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

●

£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

●

£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE

Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

gairrhydd, Monday 22 April 2002

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons 2-5pm.

Contact Cerith Spooner on SpoonerC1@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Wednesday afternoons.

Contact Minelle Gholami on GholamiM1@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Monday 2-4pm. Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Monday and Wednesday afternoons. Contact Sally Cameron Griffiths on Cameron-Griffiths @Cardiff.ac.uk.

LGB OFFICER: Wednesday afternoons 25pm, Wednesday afternoons. Contact James Knight on KnightJ2@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Prab Ramkumar on RamkumarP1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER:Wednesdays 10aam-1pm in the TV lounge on the 3rd Floor. Contact Gareth Hiscocks on HiscocksG@Cardiff.ac.uk.

XPRESS STATION MANAGER: Contact Emma Gait-Carr on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Please keep contributions as short as possible so we can fit everyones views in.

Thanks.

PERSONAL

Media Awards – Gair Rhydd would just like to remind all contributors past and present that the annual Gair Rhydd and Xpress Radio Media Awards will take place on Friday 3rd May in the Great Hall.

There’ll be loads of free drink (well, as much as we can afford), prizes, nibbles and lots of pint on head shenanigans. If you’ve ever had anything to do with student media in Cardiff nows the chance to catch up with your old friends and get battered one last time. Tickets will be on sale next week.

Everynight between 8pm and 8am nightline is just a local telephone call or a short walk away.

Here to listen.

Here for you.

Tel: 2038 2141 Drop-in: 148 Column Rd. Want to talk about sexuality? Or do you want information about lesbian, gay or bisexual issues? No hassle, no pressure, just a friendly ear. Ring the LGB PHONELINE on 029 2039 8903, Monday, 7.00pm-9.00pm

ACCOMMODATION FOR RENT: 19 Lisvane Street, 5 beds, all new furniture, DG, GCH, washer dryer, 2 fridges, chest freezer, TV, microwave, patio, BBQ, great location. Call Kathryn on 02920 668802.

MISCELLANEOUS Anyone who had any problems with this years AGM should write any comments and ideas about how it should be run next year to the Gair Rhydd email address (SSUGR1@Cardiff.ac.uk) for inclusion in an AGM special in next weeks newspaper.

Gair Rhydd would like to apologise to Phillipa Burns by any offence caused by the confusingly edited letter regarding her thoughts on the chlamydia article that appeared in Gair Rhydd. We would also like to point out that the article on sexually transmitted diseases was written by her.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with ‘an hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

3psweet promotions presents

THE PRE-EXAM BALL

Cardiff University Students’ Union/Undeb Prifysgol Cymru Caerdydd

SOLUS: Uplifting Hard House and Trance

AJ GIBSON (GODSKITCHEN) SHANE MORRIS

(NUKLEUZ)

LIL’ LAURA (3PSWEET) ALEX J. (HEAVEN@EVOLUTION)

The Junction: Funky US House hosted by Best Pre-Club Event (Welsh Dance Music Awards 2001)

TYRONE ROSE GARI WORNER RICHIE EVANS

Buffers: Drum ‘n’ Bass hosted by

ENZO AND RAZOR B2B (BULLETPROOF) OMEGA 2 RECOIL TRIPTIC MCs REDEYE & TRIPWIRE

THURSDAY 25TH APRIL 2002/NOS IAU EBRILL y 25ain 2002

TICKETS £4 (£3.50 ONE MISSION MEMBERS) ADV FROM BOX OFFICE: 02920 781458 TOCYNNAU £4 (£3.50 AELODAU ONE MISSION) O’R SWYDDFA DOCYNNAU: 02920 781458

09.00PM - 01.00AM NUS AND GUESTS ONLY/NUS A GWESTEION YN UNIG

£1.20 A PINT ALL NIGHT ON SELECTED LINES/£1.20 AM BEINT GYDOL Y NOS AM RAI DIODYDD

DRESS CODE: STRICTLY NO BLACK TIE! / DIM GWISG FFURFIOL!

GAMES go super Sonic with the hedgehog

ARTS landscape design gone mad

Music get freaky with the Sugababes

Crossing Over Britney eases into her new role as Queen of the silver screen with the help of F i l m Inside: Get There! The ultimate guide to Cardiff and beyond!

Contents

02. Get There

Newly interactive and more pointless than ever: it can only be Get There!

04. Books

Books guru D.C provides some insightful comments about some up-andcoming literary releases.

05. Games

Games go retro and review the latest crossover to the Gameboy Advance, the classic Sonic Advance.

06. Film

Resident Britney expert Jonathan Steven gives what will probably be a gushing review of his future wife’s film Crossroads.

07. Arts

Arts take a trip to a more unconventional side of the art world, as they look at art installations in the National Botanic Garden of Wales.

08. Music

Music is a haven of new releases and gives you the lowdown on whats hot and not in the world of music this week.

13. TV Guide Far funnier than it has any right to be- it’s the Gair Rhydd TV guide!

GRiP Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Mike Parsons and Jonathan Steven Arts Lizzie Brown and LaDonna Hall Books D.C. Gates Film Neil Blain and Jonathan Steven Games Chris Faires Music Gemma Curtis, Andy Parsons, Jamie Grierson and Gemma Jones Get There Neil Krajewski TV Listings Nick McDonald, Matt Harvey, Alex Macpherson and Steve Hurst.

GRiP needs your help! We are overworked and losing our minds.

Visit our media penthouse on the 4th floor of the Union or • E-mail ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk

02

Get There

et There enters the final straight. Anyone hoping for a final burst of energy should wait a few weeks though as, once again, G Get There remains the only page that looks the same every week but is in fact different! This week, we review absolutely nothing and interview no-one. It’s all about dates in out little world and we’re all the better for it. Remember, gang: Get Hip - Get There!

There’s no more time left to reminisce over holiday nostalgia. Trust in Get There to help you decide your future over the coming weeks.

Union Monday 22/04

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

Meet and re-greet session continues in traditional beginning of academic session style.

Tuesday 23/04

Candy @ Solus Postponed for this term, but set to return in September.

Wednesday 24/04 Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

Possibly includes a debate on the future of Welsh rugby, but probably just the same as usual without election karaoke.

Thursday 25/04

80’s Nite @ Solus What more can you say really? 80 pence a pint (selected lines only mind!) and a veritable plethora of cheesy tunes to remind you of the primary school discos of yesteryear.

Friday 26/04

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

Now the weather has warmed up perhaps this night is set to compete with student barbecues, but I doubt it. You should of course be at home listening to Xpress though!

Saturday 27/04

Flirt @ Solus 9pm - 1am, free In a gesture to reward your loyalty, the Union offers you the chance to spend another craazy night in the presence of a host of ‘Dance anthems’.

Sunday 28/04

Java @ Seren Las 7.00pm, £1 Laid back sounds, wine and food. Decide on their order of importance for yourselves. DJ Loveless provides an eclectic mix of chillout, funk, dub, jazz and rare groove, joined every week by a guest DJ and on an increasingly regular basis is supported by live jazz and funk bands.

Clubbing Monday 22/04

Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’Bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings.

Happy Mondays @ Barfly Sounds like a cash-in off the back of 24 Hour Party People to me, but you could always go and find out.

Salsa Lessons @ Bar Med Probably an inferior version of that hosted by Bar Cuba, but probably worth a look.

Guru Vibrations @ Berlins 9pm-2am. Soul, funk, hip-hop and, er, 80’s. NUS only. Why bother?

One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

MAD @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. Rated Cardiff’s best by Zeus, you only need stand outside and look what’s next door to find out why.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight.

Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid

9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Retro Night @ The Roxy Free entry. Retro music played in a club, one presumes. Oh, the joys of blatant sarcasm!

Tuesday 23/04

Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in! Tonight featuring DJ Mass.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Hoochy Koochy @ The Emporium 9pm-2am, £1 b4 10pm/£2. Student madness, courtesy of the amusingly named Jockstrap 5.

Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Bonk @ Zeus 9pm, £3 Teens, tunes and terror. Oh the joys of subtlety.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thunk it?!?

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm, I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Karaoke @ Reds If you must, I’ll not hold you back, but don’t expect me to join you unless you’re offering a duet. Shall I be your George, your Kiki or your Elton?

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe.

Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

Bar 150 @ Bar Med Everything £1.50 all night. Beware that this fact alone might not justify the name magnificent.

Wednesday 24/04

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffer, but highly unlikely.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings.

Shooters and Slammers Party Night @ Bar Med Theme night, where you get to shoot the retarded fuck-wits that drink here with a large gun, then slam their heads repeatedly into the bar. Maybe.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out.

Down to It @ Berlins 9pm-2am. I’d rather not, thanks. Ever.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle.

Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott!

Is it Chilled? @ Is it? Cafe. Bar. Place.

If your week has brought you down to the depths, perhaps you’ll end up here to sink down still further.

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

Wipeout @ Reds Meet UWIC students at their own night and steal secrets that could potentially accelerate the demise of the University of Wales.

Handbag 120 @ Zeus 9pm-2am. Utterly evil with garage and r’n’b.

Thursday 25/04

Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late night bar and drinks offers.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

Big In Japan @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. The coolest Japanese thing this side of Banzai. Cracking tunes, cool clientelle and a permanent in Clwb Ifor. Corking night all round.

Plush @ Emporium £3 /£2. Anything with a groove, says the press release, and they’re not far wrong. Sexy, sassy and really too good for a Thursday, Plush truly is a top night for those who like their R ‘n’ B, garage and house slinky and sexy. Of course, if you’re a big Sisters of Mercy fan, you should give it a miss.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Soul Power @ Liquid 9pm-2am. Soul and R & B, with Trevor Nelson every other week. A more extensive, and far less effective, version of Plush.

Higher Learning @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hip-hopping and funky nature. Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Cabaret @ Minsky’s Show Bar Cabaret is the order of the day, usually courtesy of camp men dressed as women. Great fun, actually.

You probably won’t be surprised to learn that Noel ‘All Man’ Sullivan of Hear’Say used to work here.

Nudge nudge, wink wink etc..

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry.

Aspire @ Reds 9pm-2am. Great.

Alternative Student Night @ The Roxy 10pm-2am. Another night clinging on to the word ‘alternative’, as if it makes any piss poor cobbled together event worth a look. It doesn’t. As The Strokes sort of said, This Is Shit.

Friday 26/04

Bulletproof @ Emporium 10pm, £8 Drum’n’bass night to launch Digital’s new album and the unforgettable Kenny Ken. Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8/£6.

The Nextmen, DJ Spinbad and Roni Size build up the tunes to finish with drum’n’bass. So irresistable that Clwb are selling advance tickets.

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Forward Motion @ Moloko Cardiff’s underground comes together for those who can’t afford Emporium or Clwb.

Chaos @ Metros 9pm -3am, £4 DJ Hwyel offers a selection of tunes in an alternative vain.

Bar 150 @ Zeus 9pm-3am. Favourite party choons and games.

US Garage @ The End...

8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin. Great.

Fever @ Barfly DJ Mike with a selection of indie classics. Not bad at all, actually, if a bit cramped. Oh yeah – watch you don’t get your ear bitten off walking home, either.

Drinks 4 FREE @ Liquid 9.30pm, £5 entry with 4 free drinks as a bonus if you arrive before 11pm. You’ll have to be over 20 though; who knows what that drink might do you otherwise.

Chaos @ Metros 9pm-3am, alternative student night. No dress code, cheap booze and good tunes. Tops!

Want your club night or event to be listed in the legendary Get There section? Then email us at SSUGR1@Cardiff.ac.uk

03

Get There

Mix and Match

Grandmaster Flash + guests Tuesday 23rd April @ Coal Exchange, 9pm £10

Once one of the most important music men in the world, Flash is now trying to reassert his importance in Cardiff.

Nevertheless, this should be a fantastic night.

Part of his 2002 European tour, the Master was and, in the eyes of some, remains famous for being one of the first to mix a lot of records together at the same time. Some of you may have noticed that a lot of people picked up on the idea. If you are one of them perhaps you should attend in order to pay tribute.

Proof that action on the decks need not be consigned solely to Friday nights.

Expect tunes you’ve heard before and many that you won’t have heard and, perhaps, will never hear again.

US Garage @ The End...

8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin. Great.

Fever @ Barfly DJ Mike with a selection of indie classics. Not bad at all, actually, if a bit cramped.

Heaven @ Evolution 9pm-2.30am. £10. Brash and brassy hard house night, with a liberal sprinkling of? Its not a sodding wrestling match, people, its a frigging disco!

Cool House @ Las Iguanas 9pm-1am. US & UK house. Funky, if a little cramped, house night. Not quite up to scratch as a club venue, but as a stop off en route to somewhere bigger, this fits the bill perfectly.

Exit Club 8pm, free entry before 9.30pm. Gay Venue.

Commercial chart and dance. Again! PLAY SOME DIFFERENT SODDING MUSIC! FOR THE LOVE

OF GOD! Get Down and Groove @ Flares Til 2am. Funky disco says the press release. A bit crap says Get There. You decide.

Mellow Mellow @ Metropolis Not the same as Metros; no this, is Metropolis where tonight Andy Loveless continues to move his mobile entertainment installation around the city. Is his name related to the My Bloody Valentine classic? Meet him and find out.

ROAR @ Vision 2K Four simple steps: remove papers from your Gair Rhydd archive; write down the names of DJs who’ve played at ROAR this year; place names in hat; choose three - hoorah you’ve confirmed this week’s line up! If you miss out tonight you can probably go and see the same men and women

play Neath in a few weeks time.

Heavy Metal @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Unsurprisingly, heavy metal.

Actually very good at what it does, though.

Saturday 27/04

Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deliciously Wicked @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Repulsively awful would be a more accurate description.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

Time Flies Special @ Emporium 10pm - 6am, £10 Special appearance from top 10 heroes X-Press 2 who promise 6 decks and 3 hours of tunes.

The Big Party @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. The party sounds like a great idea.

Sadly,it’s in Dylan’s.

US House @ The End...

8pm-11pm, with Lomu aka DJ Jomec and Tim Snell. At last! A night a decent night at The End. Skool Disco Party @ Philharmonic 9.30pm -2am The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Le Rock Launch@ Vision 2K 9pm - 6am, as much as £18. 10 hours of Garage Music in what could become a spectacular evening.

Weekend Madness @ Bar Cuba 10pm-2am. £2/£4. DJ Andy Loveless.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Glam Night @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Expect an orgy of all things glam.

Apart from Gary Glitter, of course. And Jonathan King. Or that bloke from Slade...

Desire @ Zeus 9pm-3am. A night so unimaginably bad, I refuse to waste a witty comment on it.

Deep Heat @ Club X Dance and Funky house Twisted by Design @ Dempseys 7pm-12am, £2.

Cardiff’s own night of indie tunes in a Track’n’Field, ultra twee style. Probably.

Sunday 28/04

Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs.

Live Music The capital burst back into action with some arena action and the traditional round of Barfly action.

Plan ahead thanks to the Coming Up section.

Monday 22/04

Simple Minds @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £25 They never hit gold and now probably never will (you missed the true sound of ‘Gold’. That was last week!). Hopefully there’ll be so few people there that you’ll be able to ask who Jim Kerr is married to these days. If he’s single maybe he’ll burst into tears and run away leaving you free to leave without embarassment. Hoorah for false hope.

Fathead + Bombshell @ Sams Bar 7.30pm, free Rory and Robin bring thrashy sounds to Sams.

The Shining @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 Two former members of the Verve debut their new band who apparently recall Led Zepellin. More expensive than the Jam tribute who played the Firkin and probably less entertaining. It will be interesting to see whether the others could sing or if they had to recruit a singer. Remember the symbolic Rose, Seahorse, Helme triangle anyone?

Tuesday 23/04

Kid Galahad@ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 The Barfly remains as predictable as ever: this lot supported the Electric Soft Parade last year and a few months later get rewarded with a headline slot.

Apparently quite good if you consider indie with keyboards innovative and exciting.

Grandmaster Flash @ Coal Exchange 9pm, £10 See above left.

Wednesday 24/04

The Outhouse + Yellowfoodphobia + Panacea @ Barfly, 7.30pm, £4

Zen Guerilla + PW Long’s Reelfoot @ Newport TJs 9pm, £6 Just when you thought you had to give up on them ever managing to play here, Zen Guerilla arrive.

American and imaginative cease to be a contradiction with this formidable hardcore rock noise act. Cheap too.

Thursday 25/04

Bench + Optimus Prime + Dynamo Dresden @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £3 Excellent collection of electro, trip-hop and hip-hop acts to dance away your Thursday night with.

Friday 26/04

Kylie Minogue @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £25.

Cultural icon begins a 3 night stint in Cardiff. She’s been a part of your life for so long, how could you turn down her and that ticket tout’s kind offer?

The Wildhearts @ Coal Exchange 7pm, £11 Most of their tours seem to conclude with violence so if terrestial television can’t satisfy your teenage cravings perhaps you should head to the Bay. While there expect a feast of vintage rock sounds.

Stream + The Maker @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4

Saturday 27/04

Kylie Minogue @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £25.

Squeezebox + Lorien +CastIronShores @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Rock of Travolta + Dark Bazaar @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £5 Excellent experimental, post-rock band from Oxford teams up with similar act from Cardiff.

Hardly an original combination, but an appealing evening nevertheless.

Sunday 28/04

Kylie Minogue @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £25.

Dave Edmunds @ St Davids Hall 7.30pm, £16 Check out this month’s Buzz for an exzclusive interview where Dave promises a ‘Ched Atkins, Will Travis style.’ Come on this man has had 2 number one hits and you don’t know what he means! He’s produced Status Quo and Shakin’ Stevens too – perhaps both will be played beforehand.

Acoustic Jam @ The Toucan Club 8pm, FREE. A chance for all budding songsters to get up and show off their wares, which is usually a good thing.

Arts Arts returns thanks to the Chapter’s admirable and continued commitment to providing poor students with something worthwhile to do in their spare time.

Eduardo’s Bastard @ Chapter Arts Centre Until 27th April 8pm, £5 (NUS).

The latest Script Cymru production is an entertaining exploration of Welsh nationalism centred around the tale of an Englishman murdered with a frozen salmon. Often close to ridiculous, but ever engaging, this is a fine piece of theatre.

The Mute who was Dreamed @ Chapter Arts Centre, 23rd April, 8pm, £4 (NUS) That is Enough, Shut Up! @ Chapter Arts Centre, 25th April, 8pm, £4 (NUS) Two plays direct from Iran, the land that borders Afghanistan, India and Iraq. Likely to be tremendous.

Coming Up Everyone needs to leave the house or the library at the some point. Therefore, if there’s nothing that catches your discerning eyes this week then take a glance at these forthcoming events.

The Electric Soft Parade, @ Newport TJs, 14th May, £7adv This year’s indie darlings draw the indie kids for their annual journey to Newport’s legendary cave.

Essential Festival @ Ashton Court, Bristol, 4th-6th May, £35 per day Now I know it’s in Bristol, but with headliners James Brown, Supergrass and Busta Rhymes it should be a fabulous weekend if you can get there. Alec Empire has promised to play too!

Lambchop @ Gloucester Guildhall, 2nd May, £15adv Once again it involves a trip into England, but if you can manage to get there this should be a gorgeous evening in the company of this delicate evening of Americana.

booksreviews

Cult Corner

THE UNCONSOLED Kazuo Ishiguro

(London: Faber and Faber 1995)

K

AZUO ISHIGURO is a hard writer to categorise, as he veers from the extremes of stark modernism to postmodernism as easily as he changes from the first to the thirdperson narrative. Readers will be familiar with his most famous work, The Remains of the Day, but his true classic is The Unconsoled. Sickening and twisted, not in subject, but in the ways that it portrays the subject matter; it is a

hard novel to grasp. It is both long and twisted with little in the way of a conventional story line; it provokes the reader into approaching the text in their own way. Fans of David Lynch will feel particularly at home here, as nothing is explained in a rational of logical way.

The text is almost a Freudian Dream analysis. It is deconstructed in the same way as a David Lynch film;the reader is left to their own devices to great effect.

On its initial release it provoked some controversy, being described as “One of the strangest books in memory”

by The Times, whereas John Carey (of Late Show fame) said of it, “I’ve never read a book like it. I think it is a masterpiece.” In essence Ishiguro is demonstrating the way in which western, postmodern culture has accelerated beyond the control certain people. As in The Remains of the Day Ishiguro analyses social contact and manners, with the parodying of sex in the character of Mr Brodsky and the ways in which the lead character, Ryder, a concert pianist, fails utterly to communicate.

The text swallows cultural references

like air, and the allusions to HAL from 2001 serve to give the reader a feeling of unease, alienation and despair.

Nothing is given to you on a plate, unlike the easy referentiality of Ishiguro’s other texts. These other texts concerned themselves largely with the major events of the twentieth century, such as the Second World War and post- General McCarthy, homogenised Japanese culture. The references the British fascism inherent in The Remains of the Day are lost here.The protagonists portrayed almost without any sense of nationalism or race, these factors playing second fiddle to the postmodern blur of The Unconsoled.

The text has a deep sense of melancholy and pathos; the image of a large European city (which is never named) swallowing the older sections of the city will strike a chord (pun intended) of sadness with anyone in love with classic architecture and city design.

Anyone looking for a classic text in the mould of The Remains of the Day should beware of this novel, for it will only disappoint those looking for an easy ride.

However, if you want a confrontational text that begs to be interpreted on many different levels then this novel will be interesting and stimulating for you. If you bothered to go and see David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive and thoroughly enjoyed it, then you must read this.

This text has been largely overlooked by the usual readership of Ishiguro, but such an unfortunate setback should not be allowed to continue any further.

Sam Brokenshaw

04

...and again GENERATION OF SWINE Hunter S. Thompson (Picador, 1988) OH WELL. I guess this isn’t the first time I have written about him, and it certainly won’t be the last (barring death, extradition to another space/time dimension, or loss of typing fingers). Generation of Swine is pretty much similar to any of Thompson’s more recent output, being a collection of his weekly columns for the San Francisco Examiner, nominally dedicated to politics but very often digressing into sports, gambling, weaponry and anything else which has grabbed the author’s attention.

For those of you unfamiliar with his work, Hunter S. Thompson wrote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, of which Terry Gilliam went on to film – somewhat diluting it – and became the inspiration for countless upstart (usually male) journalists. Yes, in some ways, he is indirectly responsible for both Garry Bushell and Front magazine, but that would be like blaming William Caxton for Mein Kampf.

Besides which, Thompson could drink more bourbon than Bushell or Hitler, and still get his deadlines in on time. And he has a doctorate in divinity - beat that, nazi hacks!

Oh yes, the book... Generation of Swine represents an outpouring of bile and righteous ire over the USA’s political scene in the run up to the1988 presidential elections.

Although the last article dates

from1987, and many of the characters involved have disappeared into the backwaters of disgrace or retirement, there is a stirring sense of immediacy to Thompson’s writing. Here is a man who genuinely cares about the world of political journalism, not afraid to cross members of government who could quite possibly have him killed, and often toeing the line between openness and libel – but that has always been part of his style.

Thompson never makes any attempts to conceal his lifestyle (living like some academic Deep South general, shooting things, taking all manner of substances, undertaking daredevil schemes, watching three sets of television simultaneously, etc.), but succeeds in avoiding a sense of intrusion. His life, or a spiel on some interesting topic, such as dredging lakes for treasure, or the Hellfire Clubs of the late eighteenth century, are usually kept separate, whilst maintaining an atmosphere of flow. A steely professionalism always lurks beneath the overlay of bullish, occasionally almost hectoring prose, reminding us that to live as wildly as he has done has required much discipline of Thompson. Although it does retain the initial excitement of Fear and Loathing... (a very different book) and lacks the refinement of later political works such as Better Than Sex, Generation of Swine is a splendid broadside of the type of unthinking attitudes and hypocrisy that seem to be returning to the levels of their late-80’s heyday.

D.C. Gates

gamesreviews g

05

The drive of your life PROJECT GOTHAM RACING (XBOX) Microsoft/ Bizarre Creations

T

HE UPDATE to Bizarre's stunning Dreamcast driving game Metropolis Street Racer is named after the main new attraction: the ability to race around New York (no, the twin towers aren't in it) in addition to some remixing and tinkering of the MSR formula.

The single player mode has had the most radical restructuring.

Split into slalom-esque quick races, arcade mode and kudos challenges, you've got to work your way up through skill levels starting from easy to very hard. The object of the game is to garner kudos, through stylishly winning races and completing skill challenges. Kudos is awarded for smooth driving and handbrake turns, overtaking, keeping gloves in the glove compartment, offering boiled sweets to your passengers while looking straight ahead and two wheelers.The kudos system has been changed since MSR, instead of telling you what you've done wrong, you'll be rewarded for doing well. You are shown the points you receive, but crash into a wall, and they'll fade away. Stay stable and they'll be 'banked', Weakest Link style.

You can gamble your points, trying to get combos for higher rewards.

Oddly, you lose nothing for hitting other cars, but you may spin out, or suffer real damage. your car won't explode, but it'll be visibly battered. The restrictions on the number of cars you can use have gone, but there still isn't as many cars as Gran Turismo, but to be honest, no-one needs that many cars, not even Jay Kay. The multiplayer is disappointing. Gone are MSR's variety of

play modes, they've been reduced to two (win on time or kudos) and stupidly moved to the general options menu rather than the multiplayer menu. Unless they magically appear later in the game, as extra tracks and car paint jobs do, then it's a really soulless option, even for four players.

Graphically, it’s only a small step higher than MSR. Although there's no popup, horizontal lines look fuzzy, and apart from a increase in detail – helmet colour, the movement of the drivers hand when going up a gear – forget the sun shining through trees, this is urban racing. The buildings do look a little flat (compared to the forthcoming PS2 racer The Getaway) but they're just background. Keep your eyes on the road.

Many people consider Gran Turismo 3 to be the best racing game ever. It's a good simulation, but really it's just for wannabe engineers. Get car, race, soup up car, race, get better car. Not that Project Gotham is drastically different, of course, but it's more fun. What's the point in just racing the same number of cars in the same courses to infinity? Variety is truely the spice of Gotham's life. To add insult to injury, there's even real-time damage when you crash your car – even GT3 hasn't got that.

The controls are awesome, the cars really feel under your control. There is a degree of mastering to be done – when you use a new car, you'll need some time to adjust. The tracks are excellent, fully using the layout of the cities. But where MSR gave you control over the time of day you raced in, Gotham just has certain times and weather conditions assigned to each of the kudos challenge and quick race tracks. A step backwards. Boo. But perhaps the biggest joy is from the music manager function. Although PGR has pre-recorded segments from real radio stations in the cities (including London's excellent indie

Second Fantasy PHANTASY STAR ONLINE V2 (DC) Sega

Games' Tips for going online Invest in a keyboard to chat quicker Be considerate to everyone. People will give you good weapons if you ask Make friends with nice Swedish girls.

Games recommends you always make friends with nice Swedish girls Learn and customise your symbol chat signs Customise your guild card with a witty saying Log on at weekends when more people are online. More people = more possible teams Don't sleep. It'll stop your character growing

Rings Around The World

SONIC ADVANCE (GBA) Sonic Team/ Infogrames

W

HEN YOU first play PSO, you seriously start thinking that it’s the greatest game ever made.

An online based combat RPG, you begin by styling your own character, choosing not only the type (hunter, robot etc combinations) but their size, weight and colour.

The game then sucks you in with the sumptuous environments – the ship where you begin your quests, and via the dreamy lava lamp-alike loading sequences,the land of Ragol.

In the beginning you'll find yourself being twatted repeatedly by stupid bears and embarrassingly killed by silly chickeny things, so you'll have to work your attributes up before you can pick them off with one blow. Each level advances your power and your skills, and what weapons and shields you can use. With higher levels, you can use more powerful weapons, and evolve from a wimpy fresher to a hardened finals taking third year.

station XFM) thanks to the Xbox hard drive you can record your own choice of music into the game. Fancy driving along to Eye of the Tiger? Some Brazilian drum n’bass? The James Bond theme? Just record it and load it into the game.

It's like this: Project Gotham Racing is the best driving game I've ever played. It's absolutely brilliant. A canny mix of Driver arcade fun and Gran Turismo simulation, it's got it all. Essential if you don't own MSR, electric even if you do. You must buy this game. Chris Faires

T

PSOv2 isn't so much an update of the first PSO but a remix. The single player missions are the same, the worlds are the same, the only differences appear to be that you can get to level 200 (that’s a lot of PSOing), that it works with Dreamkey 3 (Sega's new online browser) and online, where you can battle against people with the same attribute level or co-operate with anyone.

It's is still the sole online console game out, and in this respect it truely comes into its own. While the action in one-player mode gets very repetitive far too soon, the uniqueness of a 3D team game is something to be treasured.

PSO played online is a fantastic interactive gaming experience that you all should try for yourselves. The only negative thing is that with PSO2 coming out for both XBox and Gamecube, new areas and a splitscreen co-operative mode will be available. That, with the news that DC and GC owners won't be able to play with each other online, means you'll have to think about shelling out for version2. This is one only for die hardened PSO fans who regularly play online or those who want to start. The rest of you offliners should invest in either the Gamecube or the XBox version.

Chris Faires

EN YEARS on from the Mega Drive original, whoever could have then guessed that Sega's mascot would appear in a game on a Nintendo machine, or even (if you believe the net rumours) that he'll be appearing in GameCube Mario Kart? In an age of Xboxes and PS2's, can a rehashed version of two-dimensional Sonic stand alongside the best of 3D technology? Well, yes it can, especially inside the Games house, where multiplayer Halo has been sadly neglected... for a blue hedgehog.

It's probably a retro thing, a nostalgic thrill of seeing Sonic handheld in glorious detail. The story is familiar– the evil Doctor Eggman (nee Robotnik) has a cunning plan to capture all the smallest, cutest animals, and turn them into a robot army. As Sonic, his girlfriend Amy, former nemesis Knuckles and special friend Miles 'Tails' Prower you must stop his evil plans.

All that is good stems from the speed of Sonic and the stunning level

construction. You start off with two goals, the overall game (to beat Dr Robotnik) and the level (get to the finish line). But how you do so is your choice. Do you speed through, as quickly as possible, or do you take your time, gathering rings and small, wuffy animals?

Initially, you speed through, and you'll notice other ways you could have turned, other platforms you could have reached, which will get you the end with some secret stages along the way. The level construction is simply peerless.

Spikes will appear and disappear, jumps will somersault you across the platforms, pipes will whisk you through walls, wheels need to be turned, and underwater you'll need to grab pockets of air to stay alive. It's pure platform gaming bliss.

It's easy to see why Sonic is a videogame icon. As a blue hedgehog he's identifiable, distinctive. He runs everywhere which emulates a child’s energy. Like kids, he's got fashionable trainers, so they can relate to him as consumers.

The other characters bare different features. Knuckles can stick to and climb walls, Tails can fly, and Amy has a big mallet. Well done Amy. She's the worst character only because the others are fast, and Sonic gives you a need for speed.

Sonic Advance is the best platform game on the Gameboy Advance. If it had come out against Super Mario Advance it would have easily sold twice as many.

Round one to Sonic, but the plumber has a little trick up his sleeve he calls Super Mario World.

Chris Faires

filmreview

At a Crossroads CROSSROADS Starring: Britney Spears, Anson Mount, Zoe Saldana, Taryn Manning, Kim Cattrall, Dan Aykroyd Dir.: Tamra Davis PG, 94 mins.

W

HEN BRITNEY Spears announced that she was embarking on a film career, the cynical among you may have muttered, "cash-in", "wooden acting", and dare I say it, "rubbish", under you breaths.

Well, don’t forget that she did start off acting on the stage at a very young age, so the move to the silver screen may not be a giant leap. As it turns out she does pull it off.

Crossroads is the story of a young girl called Lucy (Spears), who is, surprise, surprise, at a crossroads in her life. She has just finished high school and doesn’t know what to do. Should she follow he Dad’s dreams and go to Uni or do something entirely different?

The film opens with Lucy and her two best friends, aged 8, burying a time capsule, promising to dig it up upon their graduation. But by the time that comes around they are no longer friends, having grown apart during the last ten years. Curiosity gets the better of them and they sentimentally go through the box, deciding then and there to go on a roadtrip across the States together. Teaming up with a hunky ex-con (rumoured to have killed

someone) played by Anson Mount, they start their trip.

Across the course of their trip they encounter all sorts of trouble and have a great time bonding and making up their minds on what to do with their lives.

Although I’m afraid that the film is a cheesy as it sounds, but that is what you’ve got to expect. Shakespeare it is not, but for a sentimental American teen-flick, it does do it’s job. Spears can act and her co-stars are equally satisfactory. Nobody really shines, but then I’m sure that awards were never on their minds when they began shooting.

Dan Aykroyd and Kim Cattrall add their weight to the film in very small, almost cameo roles. It’s weird seeing Cattrall doing something other than the bitchy Samantha in Sex and the City, a role in which I’d say she is typecast.

Britney does manage to get a few songs into the film, the main song, is currently a number two UK hit, and she covers other songs in scenes where she is driving along and in a karaoke scene that was so obviously written into simply for her.

For a first film Britney does well. One thing that she must be careful of, however, is not to start churning out teen-flicks like this. If she wants to carry on her acting career, then she must diversify into other types of role, if she wants to be taken seriously. But maybe she is happy being a music superstar, she certainly doesn’t need any more fame.

Jonathan Steven

06

Short Cuts “I’m very attracted to him – he has a certain mysterious ruggedness” Britney Spears on co-star Anson Mount “Yeah, at first I was very nervous” Anson Mount on kissing Britney Spears “A beautiful woman in a beautiful dress, with snot coming out of her nose” Jonathan Ross on Halle Berry’s ‘emotional’ speech “Hopefully this will be the last time that such a big deal will be made about an African American winning an award” Samuel L Jackson on Black Oscar winners

“When Jonney met Britney” This week in Focus

“At dis stage me don’t want to be too hambitious an big headed and fink dat dis type of fing is best left to da more hintellectual filmmakers like Walt Disney and Hugh Grant” Ali G on whether his movie could change the world

artsreviews

07

Titchmarsh meets Emin S

UNSHINE, IT SEEMS, has the same effect on people as on art these days; moving us all outside to greenery and open spaces. The winter report from Artworks Wales, a national organisation for public art in Wales, gives us the latest info on artists creating pieces in places a far cry from the studio or gallery.

Heather Barnett moved from suburban North London to Artist in Residence at the National Botanic Garden of Wales in June 2001 and began working on projects exploring the links between art, science and botany. Her ‘Armchair Botanist’ portrays a post war armchair, lamplight and TV, intertwined with ivy and surrounded by seasonal bulbs, and is situated under an Oak tree, prompting us to think about how we invite nature into our homes, only to control and restrain it.

‘The Living Room’ depicts a bedroom scene, with a white wrought iron bed taking centre stage, with germinating seeds and plants which reproduce asexually are covering the mattress and the floor space. It hints at the natural bedroom processes known by all, and I’ve heard that the great outdoors is a prime place for under-the-sheets shenanigans.

The exhibition has now taken up its permanent residence at the Stables Gallery at the National Botanic Garden of Wales for the remainder of 2002. For further info contact Artworks Wales on 020 2048 9543.

Check this out...

The Chapter Arts Centre is hosting a night of prose, performance, poetry and music in a relaxed bar atmosphere on Friday 26 April from 8.30 – 11.00pm. Ellipsis will feature guest performer Tim Rhys and costs £3.00 (2.50 concession).

Also on April 26, the Speakeasy series continues with BBC Wales’ Arts and Media Correspondent Jon Gower talking to established Welsh writer Anna Davis.

Other highlights at the Chapter this month include two unusual performances by the Bazi Theatre Group. Hailing from Iran, the company is directed by renowned Iranian writer and actor Atila Pesyani. The Mute who was Dreamed (Tues 23 April at 8pm) and That is Enough, Shut Up! (Thurs 25 April at 8pm) fuse poetry and politics to devastating effect, using the medium of visual theatre with minimal dialogue in Farsi.

For more info on any of these events phone 029 2030 4400.

Hell is other people Cardiff students can’t seem to get enough dramatic fixes. This term sees the launch of an alternative student drama company, Two Sugars Productions with their version of Sartre’s hard-hitting No Exit. Nicola York meets the co-directors and founders, Ed Bridges and David Bevens

W

ITH THE increasing competition to get jobs after graduation, the emphasis today is not only upon obtaining a good degree, but also on making the most of your time at university. The main way to impress future employers is to join one of the plentiful societies or to gain work experience placements. But what happens if you find societies too cliquey or are unable to find relevant placements?

The answer could be to go independent and set up your own company, which is what Ed Bridges and David Bevens decided to do when they met last October. “We’re on the same course”, says Ed, the producer, “and realised that we’re both just frustrated drama students.”

They both shared the same dream to run their own theatre company.

David, the director explains “We wanted to run a creative company on our own terms, even if we ran the risk of failing, because it was the only way we’d find out whether or not we could cut it.”

Their mission is to explore dramatic boundaries through experimentation and break away from more conventional shows put on by the ‘official’ university drama groups, such as Act One. I asked them if they set out to compete with Act One. “No we set out to destroy them!” replies Ed, laughing. “In actual fact they’ve been great. When we were after cast they put an ad on one of their mass e-mails and we got a few responses from it,” David

states. “The only difference is that we treat the theatre as a career rather than a hobby and we have more of a profit element in our ambitions. But they are lovely,” he adds hastily, as an afterthought.

Their dream is to become a professional company in five years time. Through this shared vision ‘Two Sugars Productions’ was born.

“A lot went into it and still is,” says Ed, “it’s a case of giving everything you can to make it work; blood, sweat and tears.” Sounds messy. “We have been working full time on the project for several weeks now as our production gets closer,” says David, the director of No Exit

by Jean Paul Sartre, which is their first production. “It’s been a lot harder than we thought, but also a lot more fun” says Ed, who looks as if he’s forgotten the meaning of the words ‘sleep’ and ‘relax’.

I ask why they chose the name ‘Two Sugars’. “Two Sugars is a kind of play on words, but came about when we had our first meeting to set up the company. Dave and I were talking about possible names and I asked if he wanted a cup of tea. He said ‘yeah, two sugars’, and we both stopped and looked at each other and repeated ‘Two Sugars’. It just sort of fitted. It was original, memorable and catchy.” David adds “Plus there are two of us and we’re sweet!” There was something a bit corny about all this, but I let it slide and asked “So what if he’d asked for two Canderel?” They smile in mute sympathy for me and I move on swiftly.

I ask them why they chose No

Exit as their first production? David begins, “We didn’t. Ed had a longstanding ambition to do Look Back in Anger, but it wasn’t appropriate for the small venue.” The play will be performed in the Sherman Theatre’s experimental studio theatre, Venue 3. “We decided on No Exit because it is similar in theme. It’s based on lots of intricate psychological mindgames and the capacity for human evil. Oh, and it’s a cracking play!”

Do you think people will be put off by it being Sartre, I inquire. Ed: “Well, the play isn’t a barrel of laughs, but I think the duty of a playwright is to challenge what people think, otherwise you’re just writing for nothing. Sartre very definitely does that and hopefully people will leave the theatre and have a reaction and opinion about what they’ve seen.”

I wanted to know what problems they had encountered and how they had overcome them. “Getting a venue cause quite a lot of stress.

Theatre’s weren’t keen to book us only on the basis of our past experience and ambitions. We realised our best bet would bet to start off in a small venue and just try to impress the right people. We were very lucky to get the Sherman Theatre, as it is close to the main student area, who are our target audience. It is also a prestigious venue, especially for an unknown amateur company to obtain.” David jumps in with “we also had very few actors and actresses come forward to audition – thankfully the ones who turned up were brilliant, otherwise we would have been in trouble! Our

other main problem has been time.

By the time we’d got a venue and a cast, we had a month and a half to rehearse, advertise and design a show.”

How many people are actually involved in the company? “Well, there are now about ten including the three cast members, but people are always offering to help and we’re always looking for more people. We have a stage manager, marketing team and assistant producer and director, plus business advisers and graphic designer, so really we’re doing quite well.”

How did you find all these wonderful people? “Well a lot of it was through word of mouth and friends, but we advertised for a couple and people did respond. And if anyone out there is interested in being part of the team for our next production, which is already being

planned, then please contact us.”

What have you learnt so far?

David: “If you don’t ask, you won’t get. Don’t expect anyone to take your business seriously if you don’t.

A bit of sucking up goes a long way.”

What advice would you give to people who want to start their own company?

David: “If you think you’re good enough you should go for it. But be prepared to have to invest a lot of your own money and time on something which might go tits-up.”

And what are your long term goals?’

“World Domination”.

‘NO EXIT’ will be shown on the 2nd and 3rd of May in Venue 3 (upstairs), at the Sherman Theatre at 7.45pm. Tickets will be £2.50 on the door.

musicsingles

08

What’s this, Music looking a little, different?

Oh yes.

Here it is, Part 1 of a post-Easter roundup featuring just some of the glorious releases to make the shop shelves while you’ve been away.....

Stay tuned for Part 2, which will make you wish you’d stayed around for all that live action. (We promise)

NEW ORDER Here To Stay (London Records)

who think The Corrs are a bit ‘edgy’.

Maria Thomas

OASIS The Hindu Times

CAN YOU remember anything you ever loved about New Order? If so, you’ll be glad to know that everything and anything that they ever did right is encapsulated in this single taken from the soundtrack to the film 24 Hour Party People.

The anthemic strings sway and techno beats pulse, whilst Sumner croons something vague relating to humanity in general and a blue eyed boy, whoever that might be.The production throughout, performed by the Chemical Brothers no less, is superb brining across the anthemicness and modern synth sounds while retaining everything that made New Order special in the early days. Pretty damn good overall.

A music regular

THE HINDU Times mentions ‘rock n’ roll’, ‘walking on air’, ‘getting high’, ‘speed’, and “feeling it”, it has the king of all “here’s one someone else prepared earlier” riffs, and ultimately, it doesn’t rhyme ‘me’ with ‘be’. In short, this is the best Liam-fronted Oasis single in nearly (wait for this) SEVEN years.

And, just like back in the glory days of ‘95, the B-sides are even better than the lead track, plus Noel laughably sings the words ‘shangri-la’ towards the end. Thoroughly uncool, yet magnificently likeable. But then, Oasis always were, weren’t they?John Widdop

THE YEAH YEAH YEAHS Yeah Yeah Yeahs (EP)

WATERSHED Mayfair/Still

(Shifty)

(Boobytrap)

COULD IT be possilble for New York City’s music scene to become any more exhilirating and just simply become any more plain fuckin’ cool? Of course it could. And here’s the evidence. A five track self-titled EP, recorded by a three-piece comprised of two so-good-they-could-have-beenin-Blondie guys on drums & guitar and one sexy but-don’t-fuck-around-with her Karen O on vocals.

Lyrics telling of sexual frustration (“As a fuck, son, you sucked!”) huffed over a New York punk ruckus of exploding tempos comprises an exciting EP that promises big things for another band from the big apple. Jamie Grierson

POSITIVE MUTTERINGS about dreamy melancholists Watershed have been spreading locally faster than Courtney Love’s legs, thankfully huggy bear vocalist Ben James has been puffing on just the right amount of cigarettes in the studio; notes and warbles are struck with gruff accuracy on Mayfair and Still.

Both conjure up auditory hallucinations of an instantly accessible Elbow, inducing a hum on the very first listen, so two thumbs up for April’s Boobytrap release among the most beautiful yet.

Jamie Fullerton

(Big Brother)

KOSHEEN Hungry

CRACKOUT Volume (Hut)

THIS RECORD is so bland that it’s the musical equivalent of spending three minutes and twenty five seconds attempting to munch your way through a big bag of plain flour. It features a pleasant female voice singing about pleasant things over a pleasant musical backdrop of electronic beats and acoustic guitars. For people

MY GRANDMA is a good friend of the lead singer of Crackout’s grandmother; she tells me that his band is, “just a load of noise”. She’s provided a pretty decent evaluation.

In the case of ‘Volume’ they sound like a heavily diluted version of Green Day’s ‘Brain Stew’, which is so bland it barely registers. You’ll be rushing down to the nearest Oxfam should you

(BMG)

Sugarbabes;keeping schtum about Atomic Kitten cast-offs obtain a copy, which incidentally is where my Gran does volunteer work. Say hi from me.

Jamie Fullerton

HAVEN Till The End (Radiate)

ORIGINALLY HAILING from Cornwall (hardly what could be dubbed a musical epi-centre), Haven’s hasty retreat to Manchester looks to have bee a wise move. Mixing in all the right circles re: Johnny Marr’s producing skills on debut album Between The Senses and sneakily pilfering from the locals, Till The End has somewhat of a faux- Elbow vocal fragility in the opening moments.

They may be striving for something they can’t quite grasp yet, and the epic grandeur of the track may be something of a cliché, but this still manages to be a fairly glorious, brutally addictive, pre-summer single. Just to remind you that in this biz, it’s all about who you know....Gemma Curtis

ZERO 7 Distractions (Ultimate Dilemma)

THIS CONTINUES in the same vein from their album, Simple Things. The radio edit is the best and similar to the album version, so if you already have the album, it’s not worth getting this single.

If you took a passive liking to In the Waiting Line, you’ll be even more inclined to this. With an ethereal sound, lilting tempo and Sophie Barker’s vocals sounding more energetic, it’s still a lazy drift through summer evenings by the sea. Think Gershwin’s SummerTime if it was done today.

Pauline Cheung

THE CORAL

Skeleton Key EP Deltasonic)

NUTBAG ALERT! There must be something in the water in Hoylake judging from the results of the Coral’s third single. Skeleton Key could be the work of Trail Of Dead, but only if they had a fixation with The Worzel’s – and liked to finish songs by turning into Pink Floyd. Dressed Like A Cow and Sheriff John Brown are suitably nuts as well, leaving Darkness to delight as a superb slice of Gorky’s summertime blues. I’m all for bands being a bit odd, but whether it’ll work for The Coral only time will tell. Enjoy yourselves kids, you’ve never had it so weird. Andy Parsons

AURORA Dreaming (Stateside)

‘DREAMING’ BEGINS like many of the worst songs in the world. “Oh-oh... yeah” seductively whispered over an acoustic Corrs intro, then, “Am I really here/ If I told you something/ Would you even care/ Would you even dare”. Nonsensical unoriginal lyrics aside, the chorus is unexpectedly and subtly ever so slightly catchy. A job less than half done then, and still no justification for existence. Oh yeah, and it slowly fades out – horrible. J ust burn it and we’ll forget it ever happened. Jamie Fullerton

SUGABABES Freak Like Me (Universal)

Freak Like Me (formerly known as r freaks electric), finds those ‘lil sparkley Sugababes teaming up with bootleg soundmasher galore Rich X for one sassy and downright wicked tune.

Mixing Adina Howard with Gary Numan was a stroke of genius and gives us a rather kooky formula, but the results are pretty awesome. High on funky vibes and dark, smouldering ambiguity.

This is definitely one of this years pop highlights.

Gemma Jones

SAMMO HUNG Random S.O.B. (Boobytrap)

SAMMO HUNG’S Boobytrap outing is more overdue than the new series of Lovejoy. But those familiar with their often seen live set get a more refined version of local favourite Random S.O.B. Perhaps lacking the urgency of their on-stage ejaculations, it nonetheless reveals previously hidden breadth to Jemma Roper’s vocals. Her wryly mannered delivery suggests Cerys Matthews with intelligence. Which is somewhat overdue also. Someone sign this band.

Nick McDonald

THE D4 Rock ‘N’ Roll Motherfucker THE BELLRAYS Fire OnThe Moon (Poptones)

THOSE OF you who decided that returning to your pining families for Easter festivities was a more sickening option than sticking with a student-free Cardiff may well have caught Poptones’ aging garage rock scrags The Bellrays down the stairs at Barfly. Both Fire On The Moon and B-side Stupid Fucking People suggest an exhilarating live experience, dirty steamtrain riffs and all that, but I was in a rural Oxfordshire village counting the tiles on my roof before alphabeticalising my underwear, so I don’t know, do I? Jamie Fullerton

(Infectious)

STARTING OUT like Jon Spencer’s kid brothers, The D4 find a riff and stick to it, echoing in the hollowness of the title. ‘Going down on rock ‘n’ roll/ And there’s nothing you can do.’ It’s a shame: so much angst, so little point.

Running on Empty is something of an improvement with adolescent whining on the lines of ‘stuck in…9 to 5’ and ‘totally broke’. Alan McGee’s probably signing them up. Unnecessary.

Nick McDonald

musicalbums

09 but to give the Berlin ex-busker his due, he comes extremely close.

Recalling the gentle love songs of Elliott Smith and the fragile heartbreaking stories of Eels, Max offers us 12 delightful reasons to die happy. Singles Polyester and Infinite Love Song are among the stronger tracks, but the only fault I can find is that Green Night sounds lyrically very close to a boy band love ballad and Sunburnt Days has a distinct “Travis-ness” about it. All is forgiven with the stunning Cold Wind Blowing and closing track Today.

Especially haunting, Today is about suicide, sung with a quiet conviction and the chorus “Mother hold me, Hold me tight.” which would will reduce even the strongest person to tears.

Congratulations Max, mission accomplished.

Andy Parsons

CUSTOM BLUE All Follow Everyone (Island)

THERE ARE some albums which no matter how much you know you should be bowled over by them, there is some vital component lacking that ultimately is it’s downfall. Custom Blue’s All Follow Everyone is currently trying to fight it’s way into my head, but no matter how much I want to love it, I can’t.

Less contrived than the ambient environments created by Air and Zero 7, but less guitar driven than the formulaic indie sound of bands such as Haven and Starsailor, Custom Blue appear to occupy a musical middle ground. The result, a mixture of acoustic guitars, synths, beats and string quartets, is very reminiscent of Doves’ masterstroke, Lost Souls. The problem is that, whereas Doves managed to craft an album of great songs that captured perfectly an air of edgy calm, Custom Blue, despite having a fine selection of songs, seem to fall short of the mark when it comes to creating any atmosphere.

In small doses, this album is great and individually there is a good selection of material. The dark ambience of So Low, the lazy slide guitar and keyboards on Structure and the Underworld-esq. beats and vocals of One More Time, all intelligently written and produced, are all great songs. There’s a Catch The Sun Moment with So Long Summer and the acoustic calm of Sitting By My Stream is yet further proof of the talent this band obviously have.

So why should all this good material, listened to over an hour become so bland and forgettable? Ultimately, All Follow Me really suffers from it’s schizophrenic sound, neither ambient dance or guitar indie, the blend of edgy vocals sat over delicate soundscapes just doesn’t quite gel.

To separate the two would probably give the base for two great albums, but as it is, for all the care and hard work Custom Blue have put into All Follow Everyone, I can’t help feeling that it could have so much better. Rob Jackson

IKARA COLT Chat and Business (Fantastic Plastic)

IN SHORT, Ikara Colt ARE the best new band in Britain right now. Yes, this album IS as good as the first three singles (Sink Venice, One Note and Rudd) suggest. Chat and Business IS the smartest, most intelligent, unaffected debut album in years. Yes, At The Lodge is the best Joy-Division-played-on-Casio car-chase noise anthem since...well, ever.

Whether Ikara Colt will avoid the plague which turns all good bands into REM clones by album number 2 is as yet unknown, but until then, this album is more than sufficient. And would have no trouble eating Is This It? as a pre-breakfast snack. John Widdop

ADEMA Adema (Arista)

ONE OF the songs on this completely awful album has the line “There are so many people dying / you complain about your situation / what about me?” Oh god, and there was me thinking that world hunger, disease and famine was more important than this dude’s issues.

This is flabby pop-metal of such unrivalled tedium that even Rock Sound would touch these losers with Fred Durst’s barge pole. The latest band straight outta Issuesville, USA, this band have supported Linkin Park in the States, but have sold significantly less records. And so they should. John Widdop

CAPITOL K Island Row (XL)

WORKING THE same avant-garde ground as Leila, Boards Of Canada and Plaid, Kristian Robinson – aka Capitol K – crams a dazzlingly huge array of bleeps and whooshes, choppedup samples and distorted vocals into his creations.

Careering through his trickery with barely a pause for breath, the sheer innovation is at times thrilling – the shift from ethereal Eastern mysticism into slabs of ear-splitting white noise via breakbeats of the highest order in Monster, for example. No sooner has one sonic clash hoved into view than it disappears in a flurry of blended ornamentation, though, and there ís a distinct failure to create a sense of coherence within all the experimentation.

Kooky flourishes whose only purpose should have been to enhance a basic structure are instead presented as structures in their own right, forced awkwardly together with other snippets of strangeness into an ill-fitting

patchwork. Coupled with a disturbing lack of soul, it seems that Island Row is but a mere curiosity in its field.

Alex Macpherson

OST The Queen of the Damned (Warner Bros.)

DEL AMITRI Can You Do Me Good?

(Mercury Records)

OK, WHOSE bright idea was this then?

Actually requesting a bunch of metallers to write vampire-inspired songs? Unsurprisingly, the likes of Dry Cell and Godhead take that tired old death and darkness cliché and run with it; “We walk amongst you/Feeding, raping” and sundry other hilarious lyrics with immense shock value.

However, there are rays of hope – the songs written by Jonathan Davis aren’t too bad.

Excess by Tricky provides a welcome respite from those damnable guitars, as well as showing that you can sound all sinister and scary without growling about blood. The unpromisingly named Kidneythieves offer – gasp! – a female voice and a song with a touch of originality. I know vampires aren’t exactly happy-go-lucky types (what with all that blood and killing) but even they’d be depressed by the majority of this album. They should’ve got the actually dead Aaliyah to do some goth r’n’b.

Now that would have been interesting…

Jenna Jackson

*BO SELECTA! Man of the moment Ali G Djs tracks from his new movie Ali G Indahouse in his mad comic style. Some top Garage and HipHop gems here, with bangin’ tracks from the likes of Public Enemy, Oxide and Neutrino, Misteeq, NWA, Nelly, So solid Crew and of course the man himself, Ali G, and his obnoxious ditty Me Julie.

Love him or hate him, this album whips up the cream of the Uk and Us urban scene and blends them together into a cool yet totally smooth mixture. Bo! Wicked innit. Gemma Jones

CAN YOU Do Me Good? kicks off with a kind of ‘disco for middle England’ track; Before You Leave. Quite frankly, the Manics found this kind of behaviour hard to pull off with a Glam fanbase, therefore it is hard to see why Del Amitri attempt it.

The one thing about this record that cannot be denied is the variety of soundscapes and textures, however, not even a Morello-esque guitar solo on the track Drunk In A Band can redeem this album from boring the arse of anyone unlucky enough to have to listen to it.

Dull as dishwater, Can You Do Me Good? fails to hold the listeners interest as it follows all the conventions of AOR down to the hidden track at the end. Lets hope they split up soon.

Sam Brokenshaw

THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS Mass Romantic

GLENN LEWIS World Outside My Window

AS A famous scientist once said, “The Beach Boys + early Delgado’s + the record label that spawned both Pavement and Guided By Voices + Ooberman + a song called The Slow Descent into Alcoholism + twenty part harmonies + trumpets + duel vocals + drinking pink lemonade and using “Shine” albums as frisbee’s on early summer afternoons + more backing vocals than even Silver Sun could muster + a picture of two people having sex in front of a goat on the cover + Drugstore’s exciting bits + wah wah synths = the fraggled genius of Mass Romantic by The New Pornographers”. And he was not wrong.

John Widdop

THIS IS something of an oddity: a soul album which appears to be utterly bereft of soul. At no point during the album's sixty-five lifeless minutes does Lewis betray a flicker of emotion, or indeed anything which could possibly provoke interest. Instead, he flounders in a mire of sentimentality and faux-sincerity, with all genuine feeling sanitised away and replaced with cliches and inept poetry (‘this girl was bad/she left me sad’).

Every song appears to DAVID: somehow pulls have exactly the same midoff bleach blonde tempo muzak backing, and blur into each other with a mind-numbing ghastliness.

There is not one discernible tune present. It ís aural Prozac, utterly undemanding fare which radio listeners can safely ignore while they slide into a state of inane submission. Truly horrible.

Sam Brokenshaw

ALI G INDAHOUSE A Soundtrack [Universal Island]

(Matador)

SATANIC SURFERS Unconsciously Confined [Bad taste records]

YOU’D THINK with a name like Satanic Surfers they’d be some scary grindcore outfit, with high pitch squeals. Nothing could really be further from the truth. This punky, emo-esque, Swedish quintet sounding a little like a mongrel child of Hundred Reasons and Idlewild, have hit us with a real corker with new album Unconsciously Confined.

Tracks like the brilliant, mid-tempo 4AM and The sing-along summer-song will leave you wondering why these guys haven’t made the mainstream yet, or even been heard of on the Uk scene.

Excellent album, in the same vein as Third eye blind and Everclear. Fantastic stuff.

Gemma Jones

(Epic)

MAXIMILIAN HECKER Infinite Love Songs (Kitty-Yo)

MAXIMILIAN HECKER wants to break your heart. He wants it to burst into a million tiny pieces, to explode with joy at the sheer beauty of his music. A tall order certainly,

DAVID HOLMES Come Get It I Got It (Amp)

ITS NOT often that punches are thrown at weekly music meetings. (Except, that is, whenever Alex mentions yet again, that his best mate has shagged the one out of Meanwhile...)

So when hackles are raised, fist clenched and teeth ground, it was clear that an issue of great significance was at steak. This pertains to, and quite obviously it is hoped, to whom will the new David Holmes album be assigned. I won. Ha ha.

Its not hard to realise why such a reputation has developed. His work with London Xpress FM and releases on Nuphonic are of considerable renown. Few seem able to match his ability to select and mix records with quite the same astute competence. He combines funky new breaks, old blues, jazz and motown like Delia does eggs and sugar.

With a subtle biographical theme emerging in the narrative lyrics to boot, your dear hack is as chuffed as ever that he was, in this case, the owner of perhaps the best compilation of the year. Andrew Davidson

GAIR RHYDD WORLD CUP WALLCHART GROUP A FRANCE URUGUAY DENMARK SENEGAL

DATE/K/O:BST TEAMS/SCORE 31/5 - 12:30 France 01/6 - 10:00 Uraguay

Senegal Denmark

06/6 - 07:30 Senegal 06/6 - 12:30 France

Denmark Uruguay

11/6 - 07:30 France 11/6 - 07:30 Uruguay

Denmark Senegal

Pos

1 2 3 4

W D L F A GD PTS

GROUP B SPAIN PARAGUAY S.AFRICA SLOVENIA

DATE/K/O:BST TEAMS/SCORE

SECOND ROUND

02/6 - 08:30 S.Africa 02/6 - 12:30 Spain

Paraguay Slovenia

07/6 - 10:00 Spain 08/6 - 07:30 S.Africa

Paraguay Slovenia

Winner Group E

12/6 - 12:30 S.Africa 12/6 - 12:30 Slovenia

Spain Paraguay

Match One from Seogwipo, Sat 15 June, K/O 7:30am

Pos

1 2 3 4

W D L F A GD PTS

Runner-up Group B

QUARTER FINALS Winner of Match 2

SEMI FINALS Winner of Q/F 2

Q/F One from Shizuoka, Fri 21 June, K/O 7:30 Winner of Match 6

Winner Group A

S/F One from Seoul, Tue 25 June, K/O 12:30 Winner of Q/F 3

Match Two from Niigata, Sat 15 June, K/O 12:30 Runner-up Group F

GROUP C BRAZIL TURKEY CHINA COSTA RICA

DATE/K/O:BST TEAMS/SCORE 03/6 - 10:00 Brazil 04/6 - 10:00 China

Turkey C.Rica

08/6 - 12:30 Brazil 09/6 - 10:00 C.Rica

China Turkey

13/6 - 07:30 C.Rica 13/6 - 07:30 Turkey

Brazil China

Pos

1 2 3 4

W D L F A GD PTS

GROUP D PORTUGAL USA POLAND S.KOREA

Winner of Match 1

DATE/K/O:BST TEAMS/SCORE 04/6 - 12:30 S.Korea 05/6 - 10:00 USA

Poland Portugal

10/6 - 07:30 S.Korea 10/6 - 12:30 Portugal

USA Poland

14/6 - 12:30 Poland 14/6 - 12:30 S.Korea

USA Portugal

Pos

1 2 3 4

Winner Group F

Match Three from Oita, Sun 16 June, K/O 7:30

Q/F Two from Ulsan, Fri 21 June, K/O 12:30

Winner of Q/F 4

Winner of Match 5

Runner-up Group A S/F Two from Saitama, Wed 26 June, K/O 12:30

W D L F A GD PTS Winner Group B

Winner of Match 4

Winner of Q/F 1

Match Four from Suwon, Sat 15 June, K/O 12:30 Runner-up Group E

Q/F Three from Gwangju, Sat 22 June, K/O 7:30 Winner of Match 8

GROUP E GERMANY EIRE CAMEROON S.ARABIA

DATE/K/O:BST TEAMS/SCORE 01/6 - 07:30 Eire 01/6 - 12:30 S.Arabia

C’roon G’many

05/6 - 12:30 G’many 06/6 - 10:00 S.Arabia

Eire C’roon

11/6 - 12:30 S.Arabia 11/6 - 12:30 G’many

Eire C’roon

Pos

1 2 3 4

W D L F A GD PTS

GROUP F ARGENTINA NIGERIA ENGLAND SWEDEN

DATE/K/O:BST TEAMS/SCORE

Winner Group G

02/6 - 06:30 Nigeria 02/6 - 10:30 England

Argentina Sweden

Match Five from Jeonju, Mon 17 June, K/O 7:30

07/6 - 07:30 Sweden 07/6 - 12:30 England

Nigeria Argentina

12/6 - 07:30 Sweden 12/6 - 07:30 England

Argentina Nigeria

Pos

1 2 3 4

W D L F A GD PTS

Runner-up Group D

Winner Group C

GROUP G ITALY CROATIA MEXICO ECUADOR

03/6 - 07:30 Croatia 03/6 - 12:30 Italy

Mexico Ecuador

08/6 - 10:00 Italy 09/6 - 07:30 Mexico

Croatia Ecuador

13/6 - 12:30 Ecuador 13/6 - 12:30 Italy Pos

1 2 3 4

Croatia Mexico

W D L F A GD PTS

GROUP H JAPAN BELGIUM RUSSIA TUNISIA

Loser of S/F 1

3/4 Place playoff from Daegu, Sat 29 June, K/O 12:00

Loser of S/F 2

Runner-up Group H

04/6 - 10:00 Japan 05/6 - 07:30 Russia

Belgium Tunisia

09/6 - 12:30 Japan 10/6 - 10:00 Tunisia

Russia Belgium

14/6 - 07:30 Belgium 14/6 - 07:30 Tunisia

Russia Japan

1 2 3 4

Q/F Four from Osaka, Sat 22 June, K/O 12:30 Winner of Match 7

DATE/K/O:BST TEAMS/SCORE

Pos

Winner of Match 3

Match Six from Kobe, Mon 17 June, K/O 12:30

Winner Group H

DATE/K/O:BST TEAMS/SCORE

3/4 PLACE PLAYOFF

Match Seven from Miyagi, Tue 18 June, K/O 7:30 Runner-up Group C

2002 WORLD CUP FINAL World Cup Final from Yokohama, Sun 30 June, K/O 12:00 Winner of S/F 1

Winner Group D Winner of S/F 2

W D L F A GD PTS Match Eight from Daejeon, Tue 18 June, K/O 12:30 Runner-up Group G

THE 2002 WORLD CUP WINNERS ARE:

RESIDENCES & CATERING DIVISION

IS-ADRAN PRESWYLFEYDD AC ARLWYO

Summer Employment G waith Haf awydd perience gainin g valua Interested in rk ex o b w le and earning some money during the summer vacation?

WE ARE SEEKING HARD WORKING, MOTIVATED INDIVIDUALS WITH EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION AND CUSTOMER CARE SKILLS TO WORK EITHER IN OUR CENTRAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE OR WITHIN ONE OF OUR HALLS OF RESIDENCE. ❏

The positions that are available are:

❏ To work with the Residences Office (Allocations) Team, processing applications for accommodation, dealing with enquiries from prospective students.

Positions available from July (2 posts) and August (3 posts) to September. ❏

To work with the Finance Office Team, inputing data, dealing with enquiries, processing financial information. Positions available from July to September (2 posts).

To work with the Conference Office Team carrying out general administration work, data entry, assisting with guest arrivals. A position is available from June to September (1 post). ❏

❏ To work with the Residences Team in any of the residential sites carrying out a range of duties including reception work, greeting guests, ensuring rooms are prepared for conference guests. Positions are available from June to September (31 posts) on a residential basis, however, non-residential applications may be considered.

Benefits include: competitive rates of pay, holiday entitlement and training.

IInterested? nterested?

us i enn ofiad Yn ill pr er t h ian f w r a w a g r o h a t i t a gw rhy fain yn ystod gwylia w haf? u’r

RYDYM YN CHWILIO AM UNIGOLION BRWDFRYDIG A GWEITHGAR SYDD Â SGILIAU CYFATHREBU A GOFAL CWSMER GWYCH I WEITHIO NAILL AI YN EIN SWYDDFA WEINYDDOL GANOLOG NEU YN UN O’N NEUADDAU PRESWYL. ❏

Dyma’r swyddi sydd ar gael:

❏

Gwaith gyda Thîm y Swyddfa Preswylfeydd (Dosrannu), yn prosesu ceisiadau am, lety, delio ag ymholiadau gan ddarpar fyfyrwyr. Swyddi ar gael o fis Gorffennaf (2 Swydd) a mis Awst (3 Swydd) tan fis Medi.

Gweithio gyda Thîm y Swyddfa Gyllid, yn mewnbynnu data, delio ag ymholiadau, prosesu gwybodaeth ariannol. Swyddi ar gael o fis Gorffennaf tan fis Medi (2 swydd). ❏

❏ Gweithio gyda Thîm y Swyddfa Gynadleddau gan gyflawni gwaith gweinyddol cyffredinol, mewnbynnu data, cynorthwyo wrth i westeion gyrraedd. Swydd ar gael o fis Mehefin tan fis Medi (1 swydd). ❏

Gweithio gyda’r Tîm Preswylfeydd yn unrhyw un o’r safleoedd preswyl yn cyflawni amrywiaeth o ddyletswyddau gan gynnwys gwaith derbynfa, croesawu gwesteion, sicrhau bod ystafelloedd wedi eu paratoi ar gyfer gwesteion cynadleddau. Swyddi ar gael o fis Mehefin tan fis Medi (31 swydd), a byddwch yn preswylio yn y neuaddau. Fodd bynnag, mae’n bosib yr ystyrir ceisiadau gan bobl fydd yn byw allan.

Manteision yn cynnwys: cyflog cystadleuol, gwyliau a hyfforddiant

DDid idddordeb? ordeb?

Call Pat Davies on 029 2087 4052 for an application form, stating which of the four posts you are interested in applying for.

Ffoniwch Pat Davies ar 029 2087 4052 am ffurflen gais, gan nodi am ba un o’r bedair swydd rydych am ymgeisio.

CLOSING DATE FOE APPLICATIONS TUESDAY 30th APRIL 2002

DYDDIAD CAU AR GYFER CEISIADAU DYDD MAWRTH 30 EBRILL 2002

RESIDENCES & CATERING DIVISION

IS-ADRAN PRESWYLFEYDD AC ARLWYO

Summer Employment G waith Haf awydd perience gainin g valua Interested in rk ex o b w le and earning some money during the summer vacation?

WE ARE SEEKING HARD WORKING, MOTIVATED INDIVIDUALS WITH EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION AND CUSTOMER CARE SKILLS TO WORK EITHER IN OUR CENTRAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE OR WITHIN ONE OF OUR HALLS OF RESIDENCE.

us i enn ofiad Yn ill pr er t h ian f w r a w a g r o h a t i t a gw rhy fain yn ystod gwylia w haf? u’r

RYDYM YN CHWILIO AM UNIGOLION BRWDFRYDIG A GWEITHGAR SYDD Â SGILIAU CYFATHREBU A GOFAL CWSMER GWYCH I WEITHIO NAILL AI YN EIN SWYDDFA WEINYDDOL GANOLOG NEU YN UN O’N NEUADDAU PRESWYL.

❏

The positions that are available are:

❏

Dyma’r swyddi sydd ar gael:

❏

To work with the Residences Office (Allocations) Team, processing applications for accommodation, dealing with enquiries from prospective students.

Positions available from July (2 posts) and August (3 posts) to September.

❏

Gwaith gyda Thîm y Swyddfa Preswylfeydd (Dosrannu), yn prosesu ceisiadau am, lety, delio ag ymholiadau gan ddarpar fyfyrwyr. Swyddi ar gael o fis Gorffennaf (2 Swydd) a mis Awst (3 Swydd) tan fis Medi.

❏

To work with the Finance Office Team, inputting data, dealing with enquiries, processing financial information. Positions available from July to September (2 posts).

❏

❏

To work with the Conference Office Team carrying out general administration work, data entry, assisting with guest arrivals. A position is available from June to September (1 post).

❏

To work with the Residences Team in any of the residential sites carrying out a range of duties including reception work, greeting guests, ensuring rooms are prepared for conference guests. Positions are available from June to September (31 posts) on a residential basis, however, non-residential applications may be considered.

Benefits include: competitive rates of pay, holiday entitlement and training.

IInterested? nterested?

Gweithio gyda Thîm y Swyddfa Gyllid, yn mewnbynnu data, delio ag ymholiadau, prosesu gwybodaeth ariannol. Swyddi ar gael o fis Gorffennaf tan fis Medi (2 swydd). ❏ Gweithio gyda Thîm y Swyddfa Gynadleddau gan gyflawni gwaith gweinyddol cyffredinol, mewnbynnu data, cynorthwyo wrth i westeion gyrraedd. Swydd ar gael o fis Mehefin tan fis Medi (1 swydd). ❏

Gweithio gyda’r Tîm Preswylfeydd yn unrhyw un o’r safleoedd preswyl yn cyflawni amrywiaeth o ddyletswyddau gan gynnwys gwaith derbynfa, croesawu gwesteion, sicrhau bod ystafelloedd wedi eu paratoi ar gyfer gwesteion cynadleddau. Swyddi ar gael o fis Mehefin tan fis Medi (31 swydd), a byddwch yn preswylio yn y neuaddau. Fodd bynnag, mae’n bosib yr ystyrir ceisiadau gan bobl fydd yn byw allan.

Manteision yn cynnwys: cyflog cystadleuol, gwyliau a hyfforddiant

DDid idddordeb? ordeb?

Call Pat Davies on 029 2087 4052 for an application form, stating which of the four posts you are interested in applying for.

Ffoniwch Pat Davies ar 029 2087 4052 am ffurflen gais, gan nodi am ba un o’r bedair swydd rydych am ymgeisio.

CLOSING DATE FOE APPLICATIONS TUESDAY 30th APRIL 2002

DYDDIAD CAU AR GYFER CEISIADAU DYDD MAWRTH 30 EBRILL 2002

Television

13

22 April

Monday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 TV Mail 12.00 The Enemy Within 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 50/50 4.35 Kenan and Kel 5.00 Blue Peter The studio is filled with entries for the Golden Jubilee portrait competition. I suspect ‘filled’ may be a bit of an overstatement. 5.20 Newsround Extra 5.35 Neighbours Will Maggie persuade Toadie to stay?

Hopefully not.

6.00 Open University 6.30 A New Sun Is Born 7.00 CBBC: Driven Crazy 7.25 Histeria 7.45 Really Wild Show 8.15 CBeebies: Brum 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Magic Key 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures 11.35 Watch 11.50 Megamaths 12.05 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 12.20 Maths Challenge 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 World Snooker Championship Gah! Over four hours of snooker?! For the love of God, why?

5.15 Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat Guaranteed to stop yours. 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.30 Eddy and the Bear 3.45 Butt-Ugly Martians Starring Geri Halliwell, Darius Danesh and all the boys from Blue. 4.15 Star Street 4.40 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 Crossroads No random wittiness here. Far too tired, hungover and frankly lazy.

6.15 The Hoobs 7.05 Angela Anaconda 7.20 Popworld 7.40 Hang Time 8.00 Real World 8.30 Futurama 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion 12.00 Location, Location, Location 12.30 Planed Plant 12.45 Planed Plant: Sali Mali 12.55 Planed Plant: Ding Dong 1.00 Twm 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Gifted 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Sam Tan 4.10 Na Dderyn 4.20 Hotel Eddie 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Darllediad Gwleidyddol

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss Sounds like a particularly twisted porn film. 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 It's Your Funeral 2.00 Divine Designs 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.45 FILM: The Cheap Detective 5.30 5 News 6.00 Home and Away

6.00 BBC News A brave new interactive world has dawned here at TV Desk.

Yes, that’s right: you, our darling readership, can now write to us at grtv@hotmail.com with your rants, ramblings and random thoughts. Complaints and compliments will be received with our customary cheeriness, so get typing, kids! (And if you’re lucky, you might even get one of TV Desk’s legendary abusive replies...) 6.30 Wales Today 6.55 Party Conference 7.00 Holiday 2002 7.30 4 x 4 Reports 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries Surprisingly OK, if you’ve nothing else to do.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Billy Connolly's World Tour of England, Ireland and Wales 11.05 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross Hugh Grant discusses his latest project, About a Boy. The book was great but the soundtrack isn’t. Looks like another Hugh-Grant-playing-himself vehicle in not-at-all overdone Notting Hill-stylee. 11.35 World Snooker Championship 12.15 Liquid News 12.50 FILM: All Night Long 2.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons 6.45 World Snooker Championship 7.30 This Land: Mourne Residents of Mourne in Northern Ireland explain why this mountainous and scenic area `has it all'. Apart from, y’know, glamour and culture and excitement. 8.00 University Challenge Reunited 8.35 Malcolm in the Middle 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Guests are Rich Hall, Alesha Dixon, Richard McNamara and Jo Breezer. Respectively: very funny, very sexy, very untalented and completely unknown to us. 9.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Jonny wants some excitement in his life, and Janet doesn't disappoint him.

The first ‘fnarr’ of the summer. 10.00 Room 101 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Party Conference 11.25 Tinsel Town With the most gorgeous boy on TV, namely actor David Paisley. 11.55 Despatch Box 12.30 Ever Wondered? 12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Ever Wondered? 1.30 Rousseau in Africa 2.00 Secondary Schools 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working in Engineering

6.00 HTV News 6.25 Party Election Broadcast 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Andy's world is turned upside down when Katie drops a bombshell.

Fnarr! 7.30 Coronation Street Fred makes a shocking discovery about Eve. That she’s a he? I’m sorry, it’s pretty hard to actually care. ::yawns:: 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 The British Academy Television Awards Chris Tarrant presents the awards which celebrate the best of British television from 2001. Including the prestigious Lew Grade Audience Award. I’m sure it’s not that prestigious.

Especially not if it’s voted for by audiences. Especially ITV audiences, who are - sans exception - as thick as those proverbial planks. 10.30 ITV News at Ten 11.00 The Premiership 12.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly 12.40 Nationwide Football League Extra 1.20 Wish You Were Here...? 1.45 The People's Vets But vets are for animals... ::confused:: 2.10 Trisha 3.05 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.30 Box Office America 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.35 Newyddion 8.05 Taro Naw 8.35 Y Busnes Babis 'Ma 9.05 Mae'r Byd yn Grwn 9.35 Sgorio 10.40 Party Political Broadcast 10.45 The West Wing 11.40 The Truth about Gay Animals 12.40 Bitter Sweet: The Story of Diabetes 1.40 Cutting Edge 2.40 Football Italia 4.00 Schools CH4. As S4C except: 9.30 Eureka! 9.45 Book Box. 10.00 Chez Mimi. 10.15 SciTech in N I. 10.30 Place and People. 10.50 Being Different. 11.00 The Hoobs.

11.25 Handmade. 11.40 Peak Performance 2. 9.30 12.00 FILM: To Paris with Love 1.25 Little House on the Prairie 2.20 Little House on the Prairie 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Channel 4 Gospel Singers of the Year: The Finalists 8.00 Junkyard Wars 9.00 Time Team Special 10.35 The Truth about Gay Animals 11.35 FILM: Crash 1.35 FILM: Bored Olives 3.00 Wasted: Petrolman 3.50 Angoisse 4.00 Count Me In! 5.00 Equal Voice. 5.30 Sarah and the Whammi.

6.30 Family Affairs Cameron turns his attentions to Geri as Gemma tries to hide her jealousy. Fnarr! 7.00 Wildlife Uncovered: UK: Weird Wildlife 7.30 5 News 8.00 5th Gear Sums up Channel 5 rather nicely. 8.30 The Most Evil Men and Women in History: Attila the Hun Ooh, getting politically correct now, are we? Women can be evil too remember that one. 9.00 FILM: An American Werewolf in London ‘Contains one of the most remarkable werewolf transformation scenes in cinematic history’, says the blurb. Awesome! 10.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 11.55 The Pepsi Chart 12.00 US PGA Golf - World Com Classic 12.55 FIM Motocross World Championships 1.50 Moto GP 3.45 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 4.30 AMA Supercross This week, TV Desk loves: Sugababes, being outside and warm at the same time, Stolichnaya and the Nu Slutz movement. TV Desk hates: essays, fuss being made over Beckham’s bloody foot (like England were going to win the World Cup anyway) and, with particular vitriol, Oasis.

Eastenders BBC1 8pm

Life Etc BBC2 7.30pm

Emmerdale ITV1 7.00pm

Crash C4 11.35pm

CHOICE The West Wing S4C, 10.45pm Quite frankly, this is easily the best thing to have graced our screens in all my nineteen TV-watching years. It balances the visceral, edgy thrill of the best dramas with a Vermeer-sharp intelligence and dry

humour, but nowhere does it slip into textbook politics; so gripping is it that it has Tony Blair’s press staff addicted. The passion of those behind it – writers, directors, actors (Martin Sheen! Alison Janney! Rob Lowe!) – is clear to see, as is their utter belief in the importance and relevance of the political process. It’s an idealised and unrealistic White House administration, of course, about as far from the current Bush regime as it’s possible to

get (and indeed, potshots at Dubya are two-a-penny), but its depiction of people committed to principles rather than power – and their dilemmas when the two collide – is an inspiring reminder of the fundamental goddamned importance and potential of politics. And, of course, it’s an excellent counter to the tragedy of political apathy, induced in the nation by generations of secrecy and corruption.

Monday 22nd April

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Television

23 April

Tuesday BBC 1

14

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

Daytime

6.00 Changes in Rural Society 6.50 Ever Wondered? 7.00 Chuck Finn 7.25 Histeria 7.45 Blue Peter 8.15 Binka 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Megamaths 11.10 English Express 11.30 Music Makers 11.50 Landmark Shorts 4: Mussolini’s stripy jockeys.

12.00 The Miracle Maker 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 World Snooker Championship 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Sn**ker 5.15 Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets Let’s name them: Pluto, Mercury... erm... that’s about it. Does the moon count? No, it’s just a satellite.

3.30 Eddy and the Bear 3.45 Sitting Ducks 4.15 Mystery 4.35 Weirdsister College 5.05 You've Been Framed!

5.30 Crossroads

6.15 The Hoobs 7.05 Angela Anaconda 7.20 Popworld 7.40 Hang Time 8.00 Real World 8.30 Futurama Wow, nice one S4C! Angela Anaconda, Real World, Futurama: surprisingly bonza programming for a crappy cheapo channel like you. I hate you S4C. Stop clogging up TV Guide. 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Tweenies 1.00 Bibi 1.10 Tic Toc 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Junkyard Wars 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Chwedlau'r Byd 4.20 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 US PGA Golf - World Com Classic 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Triumph of the Heart 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

7.00 Wildlife on One: Polar Bears on Thin Ice Office drama from the makers of Pingu. Gareth is in trouble with Paula over his use of the photcopier to print flyers for his garage night at Tundra.

Samatha preps for her big interview for job as Head of Seal Worrying. 7.30 EastEnders 9.00 Cutting It 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Hollywood Greats: Burt Lancaster Determined not to be typecast as a Hollywood tough guy, Lancaster chose roles which challenged his acting and alienated his fans.

After making Birdman of Alcatraz, he played only animals and amputee women until he died penniless and alone in 1984.

11.20 FILM: The Cassandra Crossing With Burt Lancaster. A one-legged journalist (Lancaster) fights for her right to have a prosthetic flipper fitted so that she can start a new life as ‘Whalegirl-X’. 1.30 Food Junkies 2.30 Suicide Killers: Everyman 3.20 Sign Zone: See Hear on Saturday 4.05 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Featured artists include Alvin Stardust, the Happy Mondays, Badfinger, Sheena Easton and Animal Nightlife.

6.45 Sn**ker 7.30 Ice Dogs 8.00 Country House 8.30 The Best 9.00 The Life and Lies of King Con: Everyman 10.00 Harry Enfield and Chums 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 War Stories: On the Convoys 11.25 Sn**ker 12.05 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Development Aid 1.00 Ecological Predictions 1.30 Marin Mersenne - the Birth of Modern Geometry Before Mersenne discovered geometry in 1957, all buildings fell down after six months and the humble line was known as a ‘squiggle’.

2.00 Secondary Schools: History 4.00 Languages: Deutsch Plus 9-12 Launch of new super-language ‘Deutsch Plus’. Basically the same as Deutsch 1.1 but with more umlauts and those funny letters that look like ‘B’s but sound like ‘S’s. 5.00 Working in Engineering

6.00 HTV News 6.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Conservative Party Intelligent and touching short film on the virtues of foxtorturing and immigrantpunching. 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Supermarket Surgery Gameshow in which supermarket checkout operators compete for prizes by performing major surgery on sedated members of the public. Hosted by Bob Monkhouse.

8.00 Coronation Street 8.30 Barbara 9.00 I Saw You Romantic drama set in a Surrey playgroup. Katrin tries to seduce Michael with a romantic meal in the sandpit, but he is far more interested in the Flintstones telephone.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 UEFA Champions League Highlights: Barcelona v Real Madrid 11.20 HTV News 11.30 Top Sport 12.00 Storm Force 12.35 FILM: Trial by Jury 2.25 World Sport 2.50 ITV Sport Classics 3.15 Nationwide Football League Extra 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News.

6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 04 Wal 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News.

8.00 Clwb Garddio 8.30 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 The Lost Girls 10.00 Muriel's Wedding 12.00 Undercover Cops 1.00 Until the End of the World 4.00 Schools

6.00 Home and Away The whole cast are whisked away to King Arthur’s court or something. I don’t know, it’s a sunny day outside, I can’t be fupped to sit here thinking up jokes for your fupping pleasure. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 5th Gear 7.30 5 News 8.00 Post Mortem 8.30 Arrest and Trial: Murder for Little Money What, so murder for a lot of money is okay? Sorry folks, it’s just I’ve been involved in a few murders in my time, and it’s a sore point. 9.00 FILM: Unforgiven 11.30 Cheating Spouses: Caught on Tape 2 Private investigators employ the latest in affordable video equipment to reveal exactly what some unfaithful partners are doing behind the backs of their spouses. That’s right, cuckolds: a spot of secret filming will make you the better person. Look at your wife. Look at her with that man from the gym. Look at her licking his lovely chest. How dare she. You’ll show her. Just get a few more minutes of footage... that’s right...

12.25 La Femme Nikita 1.10 NFL Europe 1.35 NHL Ice Hockey Live 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay

CHOICE The Life and Lies of King Con: Everyman BBC2, 9.00 pm A programme in which film-maker Dominique Walker meets con man Paul Bint, a serial fraudster who has posed as a doctor, barrister, businessman and aristocrat.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Animal Alphabet 6.05 The Clangers 9.30 Eureka! 9.45 Stop, Look, Listen. 10.00 Hennings Haus. 10.15 Pressure Points. 10.30 Geog. Eye. 10.50 Number Crew. 11.00 The Hoobs.

11.25 First Edition. 11.40 Science in Focus. 12.30 Cheers 1.00 Montel 1.30 In Your Face 1.45 Adam Had Four 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 News 7.55 Gospel Singers of the Year 8.00 The Tower 8.00 8.30 9.00 The Edwardian Country House 10.00 Football's Fight Club 10.00 11.05 Flash 12.00 12.10 Teachers 1.00 1.10 The Other Side 1.40 The Fiver Thing 1.50 Football Italia3.35 Powerhouse 4.00 4Learning 4.00 Extra: En Espanol. 5.40 Planet.com.

I find this kind of thing curiously interesting.

Presumably this kind of fraud is intended to make money. If so, why would someone pose as an aristocrat? No-one gives money to aristos. Perhaps it’s just the thrill of being someone else for a little while. I imagine that life as Paul Bint would wear thin after a time.

Why doesn’t anyone pretend to be a dustman or a McDonalds employee? Who

Hollywood Greats BBC1 10.35pm

The Simpsons BBC2 6.00pm

I Saw You ITV1 9.00pm

The Edwardian Country House C4 9.00pm

knows, maybe they do. Maybe I’ve been giving my rubbish, not to a trained waste operative, but to some dirty fraudster all these years. What’s he going to do with all those bin liners full of old tissues I wonder?

Make them into powdered wigs so he can pose as an aristo, that’s what. And so the cycle continues.

Today’s Highlights

Evening

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 TV Mail 12.00 The Enemy Within 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 Get Your Own Back 4.35 Big Kids 5.00 SMart The guy out of Scratchy & Co. turns a school playground into a Pollock-esque acidscape with 200 gallons of sheep blood, a month’s worth of his own shit and a tube of glitter.

5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

Television

15

24 April

Wednesday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 TV Mail 12.00 The Enemy Within 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 UBOS 4.35 Even Stevens 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Why does nobody drink or smoke in Neighbours? If they expect to think it’s real life...Toady for example, how many Law students who you know don’t smoke dope?

6.30 Fighting Rust in Your Car 7.00 Ocean Odyssey 7.25 Histeria 7.45 Get Your Own Back 8.15 Bob the Builder 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 It's a Wrap 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Hit and Miss 11.35 Cats' Eyes 11.50 Hands Up! 12.05 Pod's Mission 12.20 Maths Challenge 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Racing and World Snooker Championship 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 News 4.00 Racing and World Snooker Championship Fook me, fookin’ snooker.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.30 Eddy and the Bear 3.45 Butt-Ugly Martians 4.15 Star Street 4.40 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 You've Been Framed!

5.30 Crossroads Hate soaps, they’re all gash, bad acting, predictable plots. Home and Away mind you. Women in bikinis on a cold beach pretending it’s warm.Hmm..

6.15 The Hoobs 6.40 The Hoobs 7.05 Angela Anaconda 7.20 Popworld 7.40 Hang Time 8.00 Real World: Seattle 8.30 Futurama 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Caio 12.45 Planed Plant: Caffi Sali Mali 12.50 Planed Plant: Mistar Morgan 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Tower 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 SuperTed 4.10 Y Consuriwr 4.40 Sgorio Bach 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6.05 Wedi 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Pobol 7.30 Newyddion

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 HouseBusters 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House 3.50 FILM: Spenser: A Savage Place 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

7.00 Tomorrow's World A focus on a rotating boat lift...

I feel a rising in my pants already.

7.30 This Is Your Life 8.00 Weakest Link 8.50 Jet Set Departure 9.00 Crimewatch UK 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Sign of the Times Daphne deals with sight problems in the family, while ten-year-old Daniel has to cope with his mother being in a home and caring for his grandmother. Christ, sounds cheery then.

11.05 Crimewatch UK Update 11.15 FILM: The Fourth Protocol Espionage tale about a British agent who uncovers – and attempts to foil – a Russian plot to set off a nuclear bomb near a US air base on British soil and thereby destroy AngloAmerican relations. PsuedoBond crap then.

1.15 Holiday 2002 1.45 UK's Worst... New Home?

2.15 Weird Nature 2.45 The Toughest Job in Britain 3.15 Arthur - King of the Britons

6.00 The Simpsons Homer acts as Mr Burns's assistant while Smithers is away on vacation. Probably to Bangkok. Mmm Ladyboys...

6.20 TOTP 2 Featured artists include the Stone Roses, Patti Smith, Thelma Houston, Monsoon, Steve Gibbons and Hot Chocolate. Ahh, the Roses...what a fall from grace. Ian Brown now hangs around Student Union’s, blagging fags and starting fights at 80’s nights...’tis true.

6.45 World Snooker 7.30 Cannabis Cafes UK Documentary following an entrepreneur who hopes to take advantage of an imminent change in Britain's drug laws by opening a Dutch-style cannabis cafe in Bournemouth. Wicked, better be a Domino’s nearby though.

8.00 World Snooker Championship 9.00 Food Junkies 10.00 attachments 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 War Stories 11.25 World Snooker Championship 12.05 Despatch Box 12.30 Open University: 1.00 Which Body?

1.30 Desertification – a Threat to Peace? Not by my understanding of the word.

6.00 HTV News 6.25 Party Election Broadcast 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 UEFA Champions League Live: Manchester United v Bayer Leverkusen The gods of footie are trying me here, United v. the Germans. Mmm, I think United cos I had a bet on Liverpool and the Germans scuppered my chances of dragging myself out of terminal debt. Bugger. Back to the docks with my “get it here” sign then.

9.45 Survivor The remaining contestants are hearded into a Roman Ampitheatre and made to literally “fight the lions” like the pitiful Christians they are. Last one alive, wins. I would watch it.

10.45 ITV News at Ten 11.05 Survivor: The Last Word “Get this fookin’ lion off me you sick fooks” 11.35 HTV News 11.45 FILM: Maverick Shite! Won’t forgive Gibson for We Were Soldiers, or Braveheart. Lies, damned lies.

2.10 Trisha3.05 ITV at the Reading Festival 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

8.00 04 Wal 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 ER 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Teachers 11.35 Jackass 12.05 The Mark Thomas Product 12.35 Wasted 1.35 FILM: Bedazzled 3.30 Football Italia

6.00 Home and Away Brodie is mortified when Alex rejects her. Kirsty gives up triathlons, and Kane goes too far with Dani by attempting to cover her in marmite before eating her on some rye toast.

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Wildlife Uncovered: UK: Dangerous Biologist In this edition, he seeks out some of our most dangerous plants and animals.That’ll be stingy nettles and ferrets then. I doubt he’s that dangerous anyway.

7.30 5 News National 8.00 FILM: Arthur 9.55 5 News 10.00 FILM: Goodfellas Fantastic film worth watching for Pesci’s mad Italian guy role he’s ace at.

12.45 NHL Ice Hockey Live 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay 5.00 Aussie Rules On no account say anything intelligent and burp in women’s faces and call them “Sheila”. And inexplicably hate New Zealanders. Oh crap, loadsa space to fill.

Shout out to Northern Steve for influencing my swearing style (Ya fookin bag o’shite) this week. And Danno for scraping me off the floor t’other week.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Animal Alphabet 6.05 The Clangers 9.30 Rat-a-TatTat. 9.50 Number Crew 1.

10.00 Mix. 10.15 All about Us. 10.30 English Programme. 10.50 Number Crew 2. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 First Edition. 11.40 Music.

12.30 Cheers 1.05 FILM: Silk Stockings Mamoulian.

3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Smallville 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Channel 4 Gospel Singers of the Year. 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Selling Houses Estate 9.00 ER 10.00 Teachers11.00 The Mark Thomas Product 11.35 Ally McBeal 12.30 1.00 Out of the Game 1.35 The Other Side: Superstox 4.00 A Car Stopped r 4.20 Powerhouse 4.45 Vee-TV

Crimewatch UK BBC1 9.00pm

Cannabis Cafes UK BBC2 7.30pm

The Big Match ITV1 7.30pm

Brookside C4 8.00pm

CHOICE Cannabis Cafes UK BBC 2, 7.30 pm Why is it people who harp on about the dangers of Cannabis are either 1.

Drinkers – thus making them hypocrites 2.

Tories – thus making them scum 3.

Virgins. Think about it. Anne Widdecombe

2 out of 3. And so on. If I fancy a joint whilst watching Rocky II it makes me a bit sad, not a criminal OK? End of debate.

Manchester United v Bayern Laverkusen ITV, 7.30 pm Look it’s the semi’s, it’s almost the final.

Football is important. I don’t know how I can justify that statement, but it is.

Prediction: 2-0 United with no injuries to any England players hopefully.

United hating Sports desk will be supporting the Germans, as will be the two thirds of the country who can’t stand to see United win anything. The British habit of building them up to knock them down was coined specially for use with United. Lets hope that Laverkusen ‘knock them down’ tonight.

Wednesday 24 April

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Television

16

25 April

Thursday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

BBC1 WALES 6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 TV Mail 12.00 The Enemy Within 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 There's a Viking in My Bed Horny bugger..

4.35 Jackie Chan Adventures 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround

6.00 Open University6.30 Modern Art 7.00 Chuck Finn 7.25 Histeria 7.45 Blue Peter 8.15 Andy Pandy 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Hotch Potch House 11.10 Look and Read 11.30 Zig Zag 11.50 Landmarks 12.10 Focus - Citizenship 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 World Snooker Championship 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 World Snooker Championship 5.15 Weakest Link With Anne “Nutcracker” Robinson

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.30 Eddy and the Bear 3.45 Sitting Ducks 4.15 Mystery 4.35 Weirdsister College: The Further Adventures of the Worst Witch 5.05 You've Been Framed!

5.30 Crossroads Rocky engineers a meeting between Phil and Nicola. In the reptile house at Chester zoo.

Rocky? what, as in Balboa?

6.15 The Hoobs 6.40 The Hoobs 7.05 Angela Anaconda 7.20 Popworld 7.40 Hang Time 8.00 Real World: Seattle 8.30 Futurama 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Sam Tan 12.45 Planed Plant: Sgerbyde 12.50 Planed Plant: Miffi 1.00 Planed Plant: Y Blobs 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 A Place in the Sun 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Dogfennau Ebu 4.20 Popty 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddiona6.30 Mae'r Byd yn Grwn

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 HouseBusters 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Gunsmoke Return to Dodge 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Animal Hospital 7.30 EastEnders Janine fails to make her peace with Matt.

Phil tries to secure his and Peggy's future by closing the door on a relationship. Mark and Lisa's trust in Sonia is called into question when she gets drunk and pisses in a wardrobe.

8.00 UK's Worst... Rail Operators?

8.30 Weird Nature: Peculiar Potions Featuring lemurs who eat mind-altering millipedes, cats that get high on plants, drunk-anddisorderly bees, stoned monkeys, reindeers with a penchant for magic mushrooms, and the bizarre amphibian that can heal itself. Stoned monkeys? wicked. Reminds me of a few law students I know.

9.00 MacIntyre Investigates 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 FILM: The McKenzie Break No idea, sorry kids.

Go watch 24 Hour Party People though it’s ace.

2.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 World Snooker Championship 7.30 Reading the Ruins 8.00 Dragon's Eye 8.30 Ray Mears's Extreme Survival: Always thought Ray Mears was a bit pudgy to be taken seriously as a survival expert. Surely those Amazonian Indians would just think “if we eat pig-boy then we don’t have to hunt for weeks”.

9.00 World Snooker Championship 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 War Stories: Chris Ledner, once a trombonist in the regimental band of the South Wales Borderers, talks about how the band were called back off leave in 1969 to be the first British Army unit to be based in Northern Ireland. I’m thinking hard blokes with guns might have been a better idea.

11.25 Rugby Special 12.05 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: The Next Big Thing 1.05 Lab Detectives 1.20 Hollywood Science 1.30 Bloodlines: A Family Legacy 2.00 The Great Iron and Steel Rollercoaster

6.00 HTV News 6.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale A devious Latisha conceals her plans from Cynthia to assasinate Henry Kelly much maligned Going for Gold host.

7.30 Wales This Week 8.00 The Bill Murder Investigation Team officers arrive to question the Sun Hill station survivors on whether Rips or King Rizlas are better for fatties.

9.00 Bad Girls Yvonne and Maxi finally come to blows, with drastic consequences.

Crystal gives birth. Karen takes pity on Jim by dressing him up as a big baby a blowing raspberries on his arse.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 11.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald Trevor 11.30 Night and Day 12.35 Dharma and Greg 1.00 Riders and Rich Kids 1.25 CD:UK 2.20 Cybernet 2.45 Motorsport UK 3.10 2002 FIFA World Cup 3.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald

7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Profiad 8.30 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 Selling Houses 9.30 Driven Motoring 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Y Ty 11.15 Make My Day Hidden11.45 Strippers 12.15 The Book Group 12.45 Hypnosex 1.15 FILM: Support Your Local Gunfighter 2.55 Third Watch 3.45 Third Watch

6.00 Home and Away Dani tries to alleviate her guilt over Kane by sleeping with Will. I thought he was gay.

6.30 Family Affairs Cameron is bemused by Gemma's behaviour, but seeing how many boiled eggs you can eat in 3 minutes isn’t normal.

7.00 The Pepsi Chart 7.30 5 News National 8.00 Life Doctor 8.30 Stark Naked: A Sheffield couple take their first naturist trip abroad to the Desert Shadows Inn, California. They indulge in the many activities open to them in the nude, including waterobics, mountain treks on donkeys, salami making and pottery. Do naturist’s have sex with their clothes on?Tits.

9.00 FILM: Buffalo Soldiers 10.55 Sex and Shopping Tits 11.30 Red Shoe Diaries Tits 12.30 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night And Footie 1.15 Ajax v Groningen 2.45 Argentinian Football 4.15 US Major League Soccer: Kansas City Wizards v San Jose Earthquakes 5.35 Motorsport Mundial Football and wank fodder, good old Channel 5 eh? Pity all I can get of it is fuzz. Thats not an innuendo by the way.

Honestly, get your mind out the gutter. Tits.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Bagpuss 9.30 4Learning 9.30 Scientific Eye. 9.50 The Number Crew 2. 10.00 Darren Gough's Cricket Academy. 10.50 Being Different. 11.00 The Hoobs.

11.25 Handmade 11.40 Peak Performance 12.30 Cheers1.00 Montel 1.35 Film Fever 1.40 FILM: Man with the Gun 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 News 7.55 Channel 4 Gospel Singers of the Year.

8.00 Brookside 8.30 Driven 9.00 Football Stories: Tony Adams - Drunk and Dry 10.00 Friends 10.30 Make My Day 11.05 Barfta Awards 12.05 The Book Groupe 12.40 Does Doug Know 1.10 Hypnosex

UK’s Worst...

Rail Operators BBC1 8.00pm

World Snooker BBC2 6.45pm

The Bill ITV1 6.45pm

Football Stories C4 9.00pm

CHOICE Football Stories Channel 4, 9pm This week it’s Arsenal and former England defender Tony Adams and his battle against the bottle.

This should be quite entertaining, Tony’s a funny lad and now doubt he

regail us with his pissed-up antics like falling down the stairs in Pizza Hut, crashing his car or dating Caprice.

Scratch that last one. How did he manage that anyway? Maybe she heard his nickname was “Donkey” and got the wrong idea. Ahem.

Sports Desk revelation: Tony was a Hammers fan in his youth. Shocking. On the advert for this program Arsene

Wenger goes on about the excessive drinking culture of Britain, which I think is an interesting point. I’ve had all the most embarrasing moments in my life thanks to alcohol. You feel awful in the morning and look like shite, yet will still do it.

Why? Because nobody would ever pull, came my curt response. Fair point.

Thursday 25th April

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Television

17

26 April

Friday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 TV Mail 12.00 The Enemy Within 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.20 S Club Juniors: The Story 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 5.00 Really Wild Show 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Another great scoop for GR! After last issue’s revelation that the Queen Mum was already dead, they announce

6.00 OU: Cosmic Recycling 6.30 Sex and the Single Gene? 7.00 Ocean Odyssey 7.25 Histeria 7.45 Short Change 8.15 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Punch the Clock 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures 11.35 Watch 11.50 Zig Zag 12.10 Landmarks: Pakistan and Its People 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 World Snooker Championship 5.15 Weakest Link Pity the poor fools at St Andrews who want to make the ginger

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Your Century 2.10 Village People 2.40 Get Gardening!

3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.30 Eddy and the Bear 3.45 Butt-Ugly Martians 4.15 Star Street 4.40 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 You've Been Framed!

5.30 Catchphrase

6.15 The Hoobs 6.40 The Hoobs 7.00 Angela Anaconda 7.20 Popworld 7.40 Hang Time 8.00 The Real World: Seattle 8.30 Futurama 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Pot Mel 1.00 Planed Plant: Pet Rescue 1.30 Channel 4 Racing from Sandown Park and Punchestown 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Uned 5 4.50 Ffeil5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Copish 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Tic Toc 8.30 Pawb a'i Farn 9.30 Father Ted 10.00 Brookside

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 HouseBusters 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford Not only is it not her real house, it’s not open either. She only lets in FGrade ‘celebrities’.

3.35 FILM: Le Mans 5.30 5 News

it a week later, after we let the cat out of the bag. Proof that King and commoner alike follow TV Listings. This week, I’ll be forcasting the death of Thatcher. I give it a fortnight and the party’s round my house!

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

7.00 The Toughest Job in Britain Jeremy Spake joins the circus as a knife-thrower's assistant. At last! Beeb bows to public pressure.

7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders A couple of people have suggested to me that Little Mo looks very like a prominent member of a Cardiff band. But who?

8.30 The Bench 9.00 Alistair McGowan's Big Impression 9.30 Blackadder II 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Sir John Mills. Actually, he might already be dead as well.

11.20 Have I Got News for You. With Charlotte Church.

Shame she’s not.

11.50 FILM: Rocky III .

1.30 FILM: Deadfall With Michael Caine 3.25 Joins BBC News 24

witch their rector!

6.00 The Simpsons Featuring the guest voices of Phil Hartman and Jeff Goldblum.

6.20 Gardeners' World 6.50 Scrum V Live: Newport v Cardiff 9.00 World Snooker Championship 10.25 War Stories: Bombing Berlin 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review Kirsty Wark discusses the highs and lows of the cultural week with Germaine Greer, Tom Paulin and Craig Brown. Tom Paulin seems to be morphing into Noel Gardner. “All Israeli settlers should be shot! Ey, ey ey ey hate them!” Awesome.

11.35 War Stories: POW Veterans tell their stories.

11.40 Later with Jools Holland Gomez, Patti Smith, Paris-based vocalist Angelique Kidjo and soul diva Tweet. Aww, I wish Patti Smith was my mum.

12.40 World Snooker Championship 1.20 FILM: The Ticket Shannen Doherty makes rare foray from Channel 5 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: Revisewise Challenge at Home: KS2 Maths

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Conservative Party 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street My theory on why bad shit regularly happens in soaps is that it’s down to bad genes.

Cos they’re only allowed to shag people on the same street, they’re all inbred.

Hence catastrophic things happen daily. You can have that for free.

8.00 Confessions of... an Air Steward Sadly nothing to do with the ace Robin Asquith films. Gutted.

8.30 Inspector Morse 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.20 Party Election Broadcast by the Green Party 11.25 HTV News and Weather 11.35 The Comedy Show 12.05 Ghost Stories 12.35 Dial-a-Date 1.05 Dare to Believe 1.35 Veronica's Closet 2.00 Box Office America 2.25 Morcheeba: In Profile 2.55 Mixmasters 3.20 World Football 3.45 Trisha 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

10.35 Frasier 11.35 Does Doug Know? 12.05 The Annual Barfta Awards 1.05 Passengers 1.35 FILM: Dance with a Stranger 3.25 FILM: The Mirror Crack'd

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Buildings of the Future: Public Property 7.30 5 News 8.00 Where Do We Come From?: Between the Ice Sheets That’s not what I learnt in PSE. 9.00 FILM: Tricks Hooker hi-jinx 10.55 FILM: Damien's Seed . (Adult, 1996) Erotic drama about a private detective. Originally hired to find a missing girl, he is led to a small town with a big secret – it harbours a demonic sect in which women perform ritualistic sex acts. Shucks, some guys get all the luck.

12.45 FILM: Bloodbrothers 2.45 FILM: Chain Reaction Thriller in which a couple holidaying in a mountain valley discover deadly atomic waste and become involved with a scientist who received a fatal dose of radiation in an accident at a nuclear plant.

With only three days to live, the scientist is determined to blah blah, blah, blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah 4.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.25 Two 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

CHOICE Have I Got News For You BBC1, 11.20 pm Generally always worth watching since it follows the mantra ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’.

This week is bound to be enlivened by the unlikely presence of young Charlotte

CH4. As S4C except: 6.10 9.30 4Learning 9.30 Technology Programme.

10.20 Spanish Programmes.

10.35 Extra - En Espanol.

11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Middle English. 11.40 Book Box. 11.55 My Brilliant Career. 12.30 Cheers 1.00 Cheers 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather.7.30 Made in Britain – Sperm Bandits Documentary about women who use men to get pregnant without their knowledge.

8.00 Tales from the Grave 8.30 Brookside 9.00 Father Ted 9.30 The Book Group 10.00 Frasier10.30 Does Doug Know? 11.05 Jackass 11.30 Jackass 11.55 Passengers 12.30 Make My Day 1.00 Late-Night Poker 2.30 Onedottv 2.55 Pump Up the Volume 3.50 Atomic Tabasco 4.05 Third Watch 4.50 Powerhouse 5.15 Countdown

Church. Sure we’ll all benefit from her incisive sword of satire. What the hell is she doing on this? The bitchy young pup’ll be ripped to shreds. That’s what happens when you sack your manager from pure greed.

Church will most likely bring her liberal views on sex before marriage and the heroes of the World Trade Centre, no doubt enraging more overly patriotic

Americans on their holidays in our fair isle.

Church owes me anyway cos I didn’t shop the story of her punk boyfriend to the Welsh Mirror when my mate caught them snogging in a car park.

At least she’s taking a break from torturing the Pope with her ‘singing’. No wonder the poor bloke looks so ill.

The Toughest Job in Britain BBC1 7.00pm

Later...with Jools Holland BBC2 11.40pm

Coronation Street ITV1 7.30pm

Tales from the Grave C4 8.00pm

Friday 26th April

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Television

18

27 April

Saturday HTV

S4C

7.00 CBeebies: Spot's Musical Adventures 7.10 The Shiny Show 7.30 CBBC: Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.45 The Genie from Down Under 8.10 Yvon of the Yukon 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.10 World Snooker Championship 2.00 Rugby League: St Helens v Wigan 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.10 BBC News; Weather 5.25 Wales Today Regional news.

5.30 My Hero

7.00 Weekend 24 8.15 See Hear on Saturday 9.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 12.00 World Snooker Championship 1.00 FILM: Thoroughly Modern Millie I saw this when I was a kid and loved it but that’s hardly a recommendation3.15 FILM: Genevieve Christ, is this on again? 4.35 Malcolm in the Middle 5.00 World Snooker Championship People often ask us, “TV desk, why do you all hate snooker so much?” It’s an interesting question and the reason is that snooker is on all day and so we’ve even more space to fill. Not anymore I haven’t!

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.00 CD:UK 11.30 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Qualifying Live 1.15 ITV News; Weather 1.20 HTV News and Weather 1.25 On the Ball 2.15 Sailing: Volvo Ocean Race 3.15 British Touring Cars 4.15 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News and Weather 5.20 ITV News 5.35 Party Election Broadcast by the Labour Party 5.40 Pop Idol - The Live Concert `Pop Idol' finalists performing live on the last night of their nationwide tour, with some exclusive backstage peeks

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 Blue's Clues 7.00 Formula 3 on 4 7.30 Trans World Sport 8.30 ICC Cricket World 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sporting Talk 10.30 The Fugitive 11.15 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 12.00 Stargate SG-1 12.50 Air Wars 1.20 Channel 4 Racing from Sandown and Ripon 4.30 Tales from the Grave 5.00 Newyddion News.

5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Gwyddelod 7.15 Tipyn O Stad Omnibws 8.15 Cerddorion y Fyddin Goch .

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 8.00 Klootz 8.05 Fat Dog Mendoza 8.30 Mega Babies 8.55 The Powerpuff Girls 9.20 Xcalibur 9.50 Max Steel 10.20 Animal Xtremes 10.35 Xena: Warrior Princess 11.30 Zoe 12.00 5 News Saturday 1 2.30 The Pepsi Chart 1.00 Popular 1.55 The Tribe 2.55 Home and Away Omnibus 5.00 FILM: The Air Up There Sporting drama with Kevin Bacon.

6.00 Friends like These 6.55 The Waiting Game 7.35 The National Lottery Jet Set 8.10 Casualty Makes me want to fall off a wonky ladder while fixing some exposed wiring or suchlike.

9.00 Parkinson Guests include Chris Tarrant, actor Timothy Spall and Bryan Ferry, who performs live.

Awesome, the snobby fop live! I love Bryan Ferry.

Come up to the office if you want my Byan Ferry impression. You can have it ‘cos it makes my ladyfriend run from the room. Gutted.

10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.20 FILM: The Hunt for Red October With Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin.

Connery this time does Russian with a Scottish accent and nobody notices.

How this nationalistic, wifebeating tax-avoider ever got an Oscar for an Irishman with a Scots accent I’ll be buggered if I know. There’s a law for Scottish papers which says he must appear on every other page. Bit like Catherine Zeta Jones down here.

12.30 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Possibly a repeat.

1.20 Top of the Pops 1.50 Joins BBC News 24

Thanks readers!

7.05 War Stories: Land Girls 7.10 Reading the Decades Inspiring books. A look at the 1980s, including the novels of Jeffrey Archer and Jackie Collins. Oh yeah, they’ve inspired me to do lots of things...mainly involving innocent bystanders and heavy artillery.

8.10 Scandalous Women Gender politics in Victorian times, leading to the emancipation of women. So you can put the Kleenex away.

9.00 World Snooker Championship 10.30 Have I Got News for You It says Charlotte Church here again, so I’m not making it up!

11.00 FILM: The French Connection II Unusually good sequal this. Very different to the “action packed rollercoaster ride” of the original.

12.55 FILM: Cul-de-Sac Not seen this but I will.

‘Sposed to be very good. It’s by celebrity rapist Roman Polanski and it’s got everyone’s favourite Blofeld, Donald Pleasance in it.

3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision

7.10 Stars in Their Eyes Live Final Awesome! See today’s Choice.

8.45 TV Talent Show Stars Should be done under trade descriptions with a title like that. ‘Stars’ indeed.

9.45 Stars in Their Eyes Live Final: The Result Awww, I’m tingling all over just writing this.

10.05 2DTV 10.15 ITV Weekend News 10.30 The Premiership Ipswich v Manchester United, Tottenham v Liverpool, Newcastle v West Ham and Chelsea v Middlesbrough.

12.00 Survivor Featuring a hugely expensive programme which must survive over several weeks while floundering in the lonely nether-reaches of the schedule.

1.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 1.30 FILM: Weekend at Bernies II “Didn’t Bernie die in the first one? Isn’t that the point” “Naw, it’s awesome. Dead guy getting hit in the crotch. What more do you need?”

2.55 Dial-a-Date 3.20 Box Office America 3.45 Cybernet 4.15 World Sport 4.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV News

9.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 9.30 Heroes of Comedy: Dick Emery 10.35 Top Ten TV - Rebels 12.10 Stars Behaving Badly 1.50 Late-Night Poker 3.20 FILM: The Belle of New York With Fred Astaire and Vera-Ellen

6.55 Charmed 7.45 5 News and Sport 8.05 High Speed Pursuits 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Grissom realises that he could be a serial killer's next target.

9.55 Law and Order After a wealthy man is murdered, it appears that those closest to him were all after his inheritance.Ow, No shit?

10.55 The Jerry Atrick Show 11.25 Making the Cut 1.15 FILM: Shuttered Room With Gig Young and Carol Lynley. (Horror, 1966) A young couple inherit an old mill on a bleak island only to discover that one of its rooms holds a dark secret.Well, if I inherited an old mill on a bleak island, I’d expect it frankly.

2.55 FILM: Crescendo With Stephanie Powers.

Psychological thriller about an American student who is invited to the south of France by the widow of the composer on whom she is writing her thesis. Once there, she soon finds her life in danger. Yes, very good but does she get them out?

4.30 Hercules - The Legendary Journeys 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

CHOICE Stars In Their Eyes HTV, 7.10 pm Worth staying in for the Grand Final tonight.

Maybe it’s just me but this is always fantastically entertaining. It just goes beyond all that ‘so bad it’s good’ shit. Unfortunately

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Clangers 10.30 Football Italia: Gazzetta 11.30 Air Wars 12.00 Vee-TV 12.30 The Fugitive 4.30 Six Experiments That Changed the World 5.05 Brookside 6.30 Channel 4 News 7.00 The Gospel of Gospel 8.00 FILM: The Battle of Britain 10.30 Top Ten TV - Rebels 12.05 The Alcohol Years Featuring DC Gates.

1.10 FILM: The Boys from Brazil 3.15 Weekend A Tokyo 3.40 Dark Skies 4.30 Code Name: Eternity 5.20 Countdown Just had a conversation with DC Gates where I eventually worked out that while he was talking about Rimbaud, I was talking about Rambo. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

CHANNEL 5

got no idea who the contestants will be miraculously and completely transformed into. But I hope it involves lots of dry ice, Pan’s People-type dancers and people hopelessly pretending to play the guitar. With glued on sideburns.

Is it really some people’s life ambition to impersonate minor ‘musical’ ‘stars’? Or do they just want to stroke the legendary

Casualty BBC1 8.10pm

Reading the Decades BBC2 7.00pm

After They Were Famous ITV1 10.00pm

Stars in their Eyes ITV1 6.50pm

Matthew Kelly? Still can’t believe the guy’s married. Awesome scenes.

Oh, and don’t forget to watch: Stars In Their Eyes: Grand Final Result HTV, 9.45pm

Friday 27th April

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

Television

19

28 April

Sunday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 The Cruise 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 1.00 Keeping Up Appearances 1.30 FILM: The Parent Trap 3.35 EastEnders 5.20 Lifeline 5.30 Points of View Michael Aspel presents viewers' opinions on recent BBC TV programmes.

Hopefully he won’t be too offended when they unanimously declare This Is Your Life to be a complete crock of shit. All in all, it probably won’t be Greg Dyke’s favourite night. 5.45 BBC News; Weather

7.00 Teletubbies 7.45 The Genie from Down Under 8.10 50/50 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 Yvon of the Yukon 9.25 Super Duper Sumos 9.45 S Club Juniors 10.00 S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin' 10.25 Even Stevens 10.50 Kenan and Kel 11.20 Star Trek 12.10 Star Trek 1.00 The Pop Factory 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 Olympic Dreams 1.50 Wheelchair Racing Feature 2.00 World Snooker Championship 2.40 Rugby Union Build-Up 3.00 Rugby Union: Leicester v Llanelli 5.00 World Snooker Championship 5.50 Natural World: Swamp Hogs

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.25 Stuff Intriguingly vague premise for a programme here. 10.55 My Favourite Hymns 11.55 ITV News 12.05 HTV News and Weather 12.10 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Live 3.05 Nash Bridges 4.00 Waterfront 4.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 4.55 Heaven's Sound 5.25 HTV News and Weather 5.40 Soccer Sunday 6.15 Presenters Gabby Logan presents a series which aims to find a new HTV presenter among 500 hopeful TV wannabes. Yes, that’s the sound of the Pop Idol theme going too far.

6.20 Salty's Lighthouse 6.40 The Hoobs 7.10 Football Italia: Gazetta 8.05 Vee-TV 8.35 Taina 9.00 As If 9.30 Hollyoaks 11.30 4trac 12.00 Rownd a Rownd 1.00 Y Clwb 2.05 Brookside 3.30 Andromeda 4.25 Maniffesto 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Ryan a Ronnie 9.05 FILM: Pen Tennyn 10.35 Newyddion 10.50 FILM: Urban Legend OK in a trashy sort of way.

12.40 The Gospel of Gospel 1.40 Made in Britain Sperm Bandits 2.10 FILM: Forever Amber

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 It's Your Funeral 7.00 Beachcomber Bay 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.05 Adventures from the Book of Virtues 8.35 Babar 9.05 Wishbone 9.35 Redwall 10.05 Pet Project 10.35 Hercules - the Legendary Journeys 11.30 FAQ 12.00 You Know What I'm Saying 12.30 5 News Update 12.40 Daria 1.10 Agrippine 1.35 Night Fever 2.35 Family Affairs Omnibus 4.50 5 News and Sport 5.25 FILM: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze Oh my days!

6.05 Regional News; Weather 6.10 Songs of Praise Aled Jones visits Manchester, where the large student population is preparing for exams. He meets two students who just got married. This is precisely why you chose not to go to Manchester. Preparing for exams! Marriage! Oh - my good - god!!! 6.45 Antiques Roadshow 7.30 Changing Rooms 8.00 Born and Bred Tom and his father are soon at loggerheads over the way the hospital is run. An incestuously twisted ‘fnarr’ here. 9.00 Auf Wiedersehen, Pet 10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 When Snooker Ruled the World ::shudders at such a horrific thought:: 11.15 FILM: The Taking of Pelham One Two Three 12.55 The Sky at Night Generally black, I’ve noticed. 1.50 Joins BBC News 24 Bloody hell, it’s an empty schedule tonight. Mr. BBC Man, insomniacs aren’t miraculously cured every Sunday, you know. They still need your help in getting through the night, and I frankly doubt whether BBC News 24 will serve the purpose with quite the same verve and passion as Channel 5 soft porn.

6.40 Scrum V 7.30 World Snooker Championship 10.00 24 See Preview.

10.45 The X Files The agents search for a killer who appears to be able to see through walls. I remember when this used to be compulsive cult viewing. ::sighs with nostalgia:: It’s still watchable, but you get the feeling that only insane sci-fi nuts could possibly take it seriously. Still, the one about the scary child the other week was bloody petrifying. 11.30 Addicted to Arms: A Will Self Investigation Will Self examines Britain's record on defence exports and asks whether this is at odds with New Labour's mantra of ethical foreign policy. Will Self’s ace and all, but surely this isn’t a question which requires forty-five minutes to answer. 12.15 Bombay Blush 12.45 World Snooker Championship 2.00 Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision 4.00 Languages: Espana Viva 1-2/Spanish Globo The only Spanish I can remember is ‘una cerveza por favor’, which isn’t a reflection of my alcoholism at all. 1-2 5.00 Working in Engineering: The Guide

6.40 Party Election Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats 6.45 ITV News 7.00 Wish You Were Here...? Oh, for a holiday.

Any-bloody-where. But such is my overdraft that I can barely afford to get home.

Gah. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Where the Heart Is 9.00 The Forsyte Saga Hmm, haven’t managed to catch this one either, sorry and everything. 10.30 ITV Weekend News 10.45 2DTV Topical animated comedy show, with up-to-the-minute sketches on the week's news, plus caricatures of a range of celebrities from the worlds of entertainment and politics.

Sounds fashionably intriguing, but not enough to actually remember to watch it when the time comes.

10.55 Back to the Front with Michael Nicholson: Falklands Special 11.45 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Highlights 12.45 FILM: The Company With Anthony 2.25 My Favourite Hymns For an hour?! Quite possibly the definition of hell. 3.20 Judge Judy 3.40 Motorsport UK Oh no, this would be much worse. 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Aren’t you asleep yet?

CH4. As S4C except: 6.05 Animal Alphabet 6.10 The Clangers 7.10 Blue's Clues 7.35 The Kids from Room 402 8.30 Malibu 9.00 Taina 9.25 Popworld 10.25 Hollyoaks Jamie examines OB's nether regions. Becca puts her foot in it with Anna over Alex. Lisa and Lee make up. Goodness, those Chester dullards are getting their collective filthy freak on in a big way today. 12.30 As If Rob dirty dances with a vicar. Gah! Not an image I need in my head. 1.10 The Players 1.40 Janet Jackson Live in Concert The American singer in concert from the Aloha Stadium, Honolulu, with an array of costumes, dance routines and hits. But oddly, no tunes.

3.20 FILM: Hondo 4.50 Andromeda 5.40 Stargate SG-1 6.35 Smallville 7.30 Channel 4 News 8.05 Wasted 9.00 The West Wing WATCH THIS. 10.00 FILM: The Hitcher 11.50 Football Italia: La Partita 12.50 ICC Cricket World 1.20 Formula 3 on 4 1.45 Air Wars 2.15 Why Buildings Collapse 3.05 The Underground War 4.00 Edge of the Universe 5.00 Movers and Shakers 5.20 Countdown

7.05 Martial Law 8.00 Ultimate Crash Tests Documentary following those who voluntarily put themselves through car crashes and high-speed impacts in the name of furthering car safety. Also featuring a look at the history of vehicle safety and why scientists smash and crash everything from family cars to fighter planes. That’d be an excuse to show lots of acts of wanton violence and destruction, then, which is fair enough. 9.00 FILM: Max Q 10.50 Memphis Homicide Squad: You Can Run But You Can't Hide from the vitriolic wit of TV Desk - mwahahaha! 11.50 Law and Order After a wealthy man is murdered, it appears that those closest to him were all after his inheritance. Going for the original, innovative approach then - Channel 5 are so reliable. 12.50 Major League Baseball Live: Texas Rangers v Cleveland Indians Wounded Knee all over again. 4.00 Major League Baseball Replay: Oakland Athletics v Anaheim Angels Angels can’t play baseball. Surely their wings would get in the way? Or break?

Born and Bred BBC1 8.00pm

24 BBC2 10.00pm

The Forsyth Saga ITV1 9.00pm

The West Wing C4 9.00pm

CHOICE 24 BBC2, 10pm Although the premise of this sounded intriguing back when it began – twentyfour episodes filmed in real time over the space of one day – TV Desk somehow managed to miss every one until last

week. Surprisingly, it proved piss-easy to catch up on – Kiefer Sutherland good, sinister men who’ve kidnapped his irritating family bad, lots of political ramifications – and also pretty damn good. Indeed, despite the originality of its technique being its main selling point, the fact that it was in real time was possibly the least important of its many qualities; rather, it was the taut, breathless, nervy feel and the almost constant action. It’s not a set-up

which will survive much copying, though – there are only so many plausible scenarios wherein every single minute of a day will hold the attention, and it really only lends itself to the action/ thriller genre. Which can only strengthen the argument for watching and enjoying it while you can.

And we’ve only reached 8am! We’ve had far more action in these people’s lives in eight hours than most people manage in eight years.

Sunday 28th April

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

22.04.02

Focus

The Gair Rhydd Features Section Free Word 718

When Jonney met ...

She’s an international superstar, a stunningly beautiful virgin and a singing sensation now turned movie star, and he’s some wally working for a student newspaper. So just what happened when Jonney met Britney?

E

VERY HOT-BLOODED male in the world would love to meet Britney Spears. Even if you don’t like her brand of music there is a certain unique charm that surrounds the world’s most famous virgin, which when combined with her stunning looks makes her one of the most eligible women on earth. And I got to meet her.

Britney was in London last month to promote her debut feature film, Crossroads, which is currently showing across the UK. After a few phone calls, e-mails and faxes I managed to get a press pass for the launch event. I felt like Charlie holding the golden ticket, but I got a prize much greater than a viewing of some poxy, death-trap factory.

Walking into the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Knightsbridge, past security that you’d expect to see if George W Bush visited Afghanistan and enough screaming kids to keep a dozen orphanages in business, I was ushered into the ballroom to be met by lifesize Britney posters and a criss-cross of TV camera wires, lighting and sound booms and a load of C-list TV presenters. As rumours that she was in the building spread, I yarned with the GMTV entertainment girl. Very pretty, but why have a hamburger when steak is on its way?

The first sign that Britney is on her way is when her agent hushes the assembled crowd and lays out a few rules.

There are three no-fly zones, first anything about virginity, second anything about a certain Mr Justin Timberlake, and finally September 11th. This is what’s going to happen, take it or leave it – it’s nonnegotiable. Fair enough, if she doesn’t want to talk about it, then she doesn’t want to talk about it. But will the waiting vultures play fair, or will they do what is second nature and try to further their own careers by trying to get a juicy quote out of Miss Spears? Wait and see.

Next, with a rumbling not dissimilar to the noise of the Ghostbusters Marshmallowman on the move, enters an absolutely massive bodyguard. And what a body he has to guard, for in his shadow, quite literally, enters a slim little figure that could quite easily hide in his right leg if the need arose. I have just set my eyes on Miss Britney Spears.

Lucky eyes. My heart beats faster, yet as I tell myself that she is just another girl, I can’t help but feel nervous. No matter how photogenic a person is, the medium of print can never do them justice. When you see the real, living, breathing version, you can truly get

y e n ir t

B

a sense of her outstanding beauty. The way she moves, the way she holds herself, and the way she glances around the room as if looking for a lost friend really brings her to life.

When she speaks to you, she makes you feel as if you are the only person in the room, hell more than that, she makes you think that you are the only person in the world. She holds eye contact and looks genuinely interested in your question, and in answering it, looks like she has put all the thought of Einstein into her answer. Definitely not a bimbo.

And so it began.

T

The Crossroads Press Conference

he reason we were all invited was to talk to Britney, her co-star Anson Mount, and the producer of teen-flick, Crossroads. It all started with Britney, that, after all, was why we were all really there.

When asked why she had decided to take the role of Lucy in Crossroads, Britney told us, "I loved the whole moral of it – I was inspired by the role and the script". And when a similar question was put to the producer, she admitted that having worked with Will Smith, whose career spanned both the music and the movie industry, she was on the look out for another musician who could take the leap into the movie world. It had been done before with some spectacular flops, but she thought that Britney had what it took. And with the benefit of hindsight, she made the right decision – "Britney was focused, a real pro, and I knew all along that she could do it".

Britney Spears is a multi-media gal in the truest sense. Her career started off on the stage, spanned into presenting on the kids show The Mickey Mouse Club, spun off into music with spectacular success, went through a state of being an author with a book co-written by her mother, and now she is relaunching herself as a movie

star.

Where next?

"Who knows?", says Britney with an airy glance at her movie poster. "Maybe more movies, but definitely more music. My heart and soul are in music, that’s what I love doing".

So it is clear that we will be hearing more from those powerful lungs. I asked Britney if her experience with music, with making videos for all her singles, had helped when it came to acting in a movie. "Um, yep, it definitely made some of the aspects of being on a set easier.

But, when you’re in a music video, you’re playing yourself, while in a feature film you’re playing a somebody else. It is very different in that respect". On the topic of music Britney was asked what kind she was into, her own aside of course. "I just bought Kylies’ new album.

Madonna is amazing and Cher is very cool".

Inevitably, Crossroads, is about a crossroads in the life of its lead character, Lucy, who has to make a few important decisions which all of us final year students are doing at the moment. It is an important time, because whichever way we go, we will feel the repercussions later. Britney empathised with her character in this sense. "I came to the crossroads in my life three years ago when I had to leave my small town. It was a big decision to leave behind everyone there and go for it in the big wide world", Britney admitted. But thank god she did. Anson Mount, her co-star in Crossroads, was counting his lucky stars. When asked about what it was like to star alongside one of the most attractive women on the planet he admitted, "Yeah, at first I was very nervous". But it seems that this wore off as he got to know her. On set he ate a whole garlic just before one of the key kissing scenes to wind Britney up. The nice girl that she is however, she didn’t say anything, "I wasn’t sure if it was a wind up, or if he had a real problem", she confided.

There did seem to be chemistry between the two of them, and with the recent break up with her very long term boyfriend Justin, there were rumours flying around about possible links with Anson Mount. Whilst remaining fairly quiet about this, Britney did tell us that, "I’m very attracted to him". We were very quickly moved on past this, but later coming back to it she said it was a, "mysterious ruggedness", that drew her to him. I’m telling you, keep your eyes on this one folks.

It all come to an end with some typical Britney Spears American cheese. Asked about what was important in her life, Britney launched into, "I think that it’s important just to have fun, be happy, hang out with your friends and, most importantly, be true to your heart". It may sound

12 • Focus

Gair Rhydd Monday 22nd April 2002

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Welshman...

On the trail of the emerging Welsh comedy scene, Howard Calvert met Noel James to talk about his individual brand of humour “I set my hair a special St David’s Day extravaganza at T ONE POINT in his stand-up The Glee Club where he performed a routine, Noel James tells us in on fire then I combined stand-up and sketch show his thick, Welsh accent, that he used to have a lazy eye. Nothing wrong with his comedy pals Steve Best and say “A-ha!

Alison Cannon. The show made use of with that, I thought, Thom Yorke’s props and costumes in Python-esque done alright for himself. However, Contrived displays of surrealism. But it was when according to Noel, there was a Noel was performing his rapid fire problem and it spread to the rest of human stand-up spots that the audience his body, so he decided to become a student. Now, as you’ll no doubt agree, responded most enthusiastically. combustion, “It was the first time doing it,” Noel the life we live as students is like says in his rich, jocular tones. “They picking problems out of a bag of because I’m not were all new, original ideas. I’m trying Revels, never knowing what variety of to diversify stand-up and throw in stressful decision you’ll grab next. To that sketches and stuff like that. I think the walk up the stairs in the Student audience appreciates that sort of Union or take the lift? Take two spontaneous!” interaction.” bottles into the shower or just not

A

bother having a shower at all? It’s a frantic, non-stop life.

Luckily for us, plenty of University nerds have scientifically proven in the past that laughter is good for us. It relieves stress. Here in Cardiff the comedy scene has recently exploded like a repressed snigger. Over the last year two major comedy clubs have opened – the stylish Glee Club in the Bay and the chain-club Jongleurs in Millennium Plaza. Add to that the regular Thursday comedy nights in The Wharf and the fortnightly Comedy Network in our very own Student Union and you will find yourself spoilt for choice if you’re in need of some comic relief.

Noel James has witnessed this evolution first hand. Hailing from Pontardawe near Swansea, Noel is a proper Welsh comedian and has been doing the stand-up circuit for 14 years now. He recently returned to Cardiff for

If anyone ever looked like a comedian, Noel’s your man. With his wavy, dishevelled hair and his black braces redundantly holding up his orange trousers you can’t help but crack a smile. Noel enjoys creating comedy visually. “I have set my hair on fire a few times,” Noel confesses. “It’s a joke you see. I set my hair on fire then I say ‘A-ha! Contrived human combustion, because I’m not that spontaneous!’You always get attention if you can think of something gimmicky.”

To show his fondness for visual japes, he proceeds to prop his eyelid open with a one-penny gummi bear, citing it as an old Indian trick “from a tribe called the confectioners.”

So what influenced a young lad from Swansea to tell jokes to a room full of strangers? “Spike Milligan was brilliant.

What Spike could do, which I think we can do to some extent, is make mistakes

in front of the audience and just tell them that they made a mistake. I remember I always had a funny streak at school and stuff. Actually, I had a funny streak at Sports Day once and got into trouble for it...”

After he’d grown out of streaking, Noel turned to the big screen for inspiration. “I really admire anyone that can put together a film which is funny from start to finish. I think that’s when you take comedy and turn it into a high art form. I’d say Kingpin is a very good comedy film, a couple of Woody Allen films, Charlie Chaplin, the Zucker Brothers.”

“Actually,” admits Noel, “I’ve always wanted to be a film director. I still do, and I thought I could use comedy as a stepping stone. The show we’re doing now is kind of like the beginning of a play, which is the next step towards a film.”

Even though Noel is Welsh, he had to go to London to get the recognition he needed before doing the circuit, as few clubs will pay a comedian unless they have ‘done’ London. He moved there in 1988 simply because there was nowhere in Swansea to do comedy.

“It’s still very slow in Wales,” he says, “and there’s definite reasons. Wales, geographically, is in a weird place and there’s only one motorway. It’s not very urban and only has a small population.

You have to travel round a lot.”

However, there is one particular reason that makes him visibly twitch with rage. “The television industry in Wales does not help. It might do the odd documentary about the Welsh comedy scene, but all it’s saying is rubbish. What it should be doing is putting comedy onto TV. You need to see performers with Welsh accents actually on screen, and that’s what leads the public to go to

see comedy.”

Leek-related heckles are still common during his act. “I’ve done two or three gigs this week where I’ve been heckled, y’know, ‘look at that Welshman’, as if it’s a problem,” Noel says. “It’s not a problem though, I mean, why should you have to defend yourself in any way just cos of where you’re from? It doesn’t make sense.”

Often, he uses it to his advantage, “it can spur you on, y’know, prove them wrong.”

When asked to explain what he does to relax in his spare time Noel gives a cheeky smile. “I masturbate a lot and talk to student newspapers. In fact, you’re my 3,000th,” he adds. With that, Noel leaves to clear the stage of his Japanese Godzilla’s and other comedy paraphernalia, before telling us that he fell asleep in a toilet last night. It goes without saying that he slept like a log.

The end is nigh

As unlikely as it may seem, the threat of a meteorite hitting earth is a million miles away. In fact, as Dan Keel discovered, we could be hit at any time....

S

cientists believe that we are extremely lucky not to have been disastrously affected by a meteorite impact during our lives. They conclude that a large meteorite or asteroid of some description hits our planet once every century, the last being in 1908.

Despite this, the public treat it as unlikely as the events of Independence Day. Even recent blockbuster hits Armaggedon and Deep Impact which although seem impossible to compare with a real world-wide meteorite or comet crisis appear shockingly realistic, cannot shake off the idea that it will never happen to us. Of course, comparisons with alien invasions are ridiculous when the threat of a massive meteorite is far more likely. Yet neither of the meteorite films generated any more fear for our lives than Independence Day. If such an object were to hit our planet, the following would occur: first, there would be an enormous blast wave caused by the kinetic energy of the asteroid which would be as great as 15 billion Hiroshima bombs. This would cause the ground to melt and spray up in liquid form while Tsunamis and tidal waves would submerge countries and even continents. Earthquakes, volcanoes and wild fires would destroy remaining land while the clouds of sulphur thrown into the air from the carnage would mix with ocean water to form an acidic barrier, blocking the sun’s heat and light from the earth’s surface for decades. No sun means no vegetation, and hence, no us.

Such dramatic impacts apparently occur every

few million years and would require meteorites many kilometres wide, but roughly every century we are hit by an object 100 metres in diameter and more than capable of generating huge tsunamis.

The last meteorite this size luckily landed in a vast open land in Siberia. This was in 1908 suggesting that we are due another very soon.

Miraculously, with the exception of the dinosaurs and a few trees, a meteorite hasn’t killed anyone. There have been many close shaves in recent years including in 1993 when an American businessman, who was stuck in traffic, was shocked after a meteorite landed in his car boot.

The last meteorite to land in England was discovered by a Mr. Pettifor after hearing a loud bang in his garden in Glatton, Peterborough. The rock was roughly the size of a hamburger.

But can our planet protect itself against such natural powers? The answer is probably yes – if it made the effort. A mere ‘push’ on an incoming mass at a great enough distance from the globe would be enough to divert its path away from our planet, a feat easily achievable with today’s vast armoury of nuclear weapons. However, scientists continue their plea for funds to help improve current detection systems. They estimate that, at present, only half of the incoming bodies are detected by current systems, and stress that this side of development is equally as important as diverting the meteorites.

Dr. Roland Lovejoy of the Planetary Defence Watch Panel states that “Six months to a year would not be enough time to do anything about a

potential impact. Depending on the size of the fragment, it could take five to ten years to develop an effective defence strategy.” He also believes that current atomic bombs would not be strong enough to divert a planet threatening asteroid, but admits that developing more powerful weapons always brings the risk of international conflict.

“The idea here is to send a nuclear bomb and detonate near the asteroid and send a shock wave to divert the path. However, to deflect a one mile diameter comet fragment would require a hydrogen bomb ten times more powerful than exists today, and building such a weapon would adversely impact global security and could cause another Cold War.” The future of the human race seems to be directly related to the passing of meteorites, comets and asteroids. What is to say that we won’t be unlucky enough to receive ‘the big one’ in our lifetime? The truth is that at the moment, our ignorance is such that if that one in ten million ‘big one’ headed our way, there is little we could do.

Maybe as a planet we should work together to defend ourselves from the unpredictable rather than spending so much money fighting each other. People like Dr. Lovejoy continually stress that they are proud to be part of a tiny minority who research into defending themselves from the environment rather than from each other. They continue their attempts to persuade the world that the end of the world could be a lot nearer than people think. And still no one believes them.

Must try harder Focus • 13

Gair Rhydd Monday 22nd April 2002

Rated as one of the top universities in the country for research, Cardiff University would have us believe it is to our benefit. But the reality maybe different. Martyn Edwards asks if our work is suffering in the name of research

O

n the sixth day, or so the Bible says, God created Man. If you have visited the university website lately and read the official ‘Strategic Plan’, then you would probably conclude that on the seventh day, instead of nipping out for a well earned pint and a round of darts, he created Cardiff University.

The plan is more or less a pledge that was submitted to the higher education council for Wales, it contains sub-section after sub-section almost all of which are worded like the Ten Commandments and in terms of length makes the Old Testament look like graffiti on a piss house wall. The opening statement gives an overview of the ‘Vision’ and ‘Mission’ that the University stands for etc, but far from leaving me awe-inspired, I was reminded of the captain’s log in Star Trek and like a captain’s log, the whole thing was a bit shitty.

To quote from the ‘Mission’ statement of the ‘Strategic Plan’, Cardiff University hereby, forthwith, bequeath, categorically that it will “pursue research of international excellence”. It then goes on to talk about things like being part of a “stimulating environment” and “quality assurance”, all with regards to research commitments. But what about us I hear you cry. Well, exactly but they seem to have almost forgotten us and only tagged onto the bottom of the statement a brief reference on the provision of high quality teaching.

My motives for so cynically picking the bones of the fundamentals laid down by the powers that be are because many of us have voiced the opinion that our lecturers are not necessarily up

When third year students need to discuss their dissertation before deadlines, shouldn’t their tutors be around instead of away on some random research project?

to scratch in terms of making themselves accessible to us. Rather, in fact, that they are preoccupied with research commitments and writing books. Although, as one of my housemates pointed out, they could well just be playing golf.

According to one third year law graduate, “Some of my tutors are pretty bad, there’s one in particular and she was always out to lunch or too busy to see me.” Another similar complaint came from a recently graduated chemistry student: “My lecturers were rubbish the whole three years and considering that it was such a difficult degree they didn’t make any time at all for students, they were just too busy researching.”

The reason that research is so important is largely a financial one.

The university operates on an annual budget of £140million, £50million of which is spent on research. Every five years or so, an independent panel of ‘experts’ carries out a procedure known as Research Assessment Exercise or RAE. RAE quite simply involves looking at the quality of research going on in higher education and the panel’s findings influence how funding bodies all over the UK distribute the whopping £5billion grant that the Government designates for research. It should come as little surprise to discover that institutions with better results receive a bigger slice of the cake.

However, not all lecturers are unapproachable bookworms. Senior English Literature lecturer Prof. John Peck is one member of staff who seems to strike the right sort of balance. Not only has he written or co-written (with another of Cardiff ’s senior lecturers, Martin Coyle) a great deal of the books in the library on literary criticism but at the same time, all his students who I spoke to agreed that he provided enough quality time to see people.

According to Prof. Peck: “The university thrives and survives on the generating of new ideas and I think that a good researcher is often also a good teacher, there is no separating the two.” But he went on to add, “a large part of the problem lies in the amount of largely meaningless administration that the University gives staff. A lot of my time is taken up by this and I don’t see why the University can not employ extra people to deal with it.”

From a student perspective we must all concede that research is imperative in ensuring that different subjects evolve accordingly, and none of us want to undertake a scheme of study that is falling behind in new developments and theoretical perspectives. If this was the case, then it could be argued that the diploma a student receives would be cheapened somewhat and not necessarily worth every penny of the paper it is printed on.

Also, the more impersonal studentcentred approach of learning and teaching that operates at University level is a reflection of the fact that we have left behind the cosy all-embracing environments of GCSEs and A-levels.

We are all grown-ups now after all, so

Are lecturers favouring their own studies over their students degrees? shouldn’t we be able to learn without someone holding our hand?

On the other hand, when third year students need to discuss their dissertations a few weeks before deadlines, shouldn’t their tutors be around instead of away on some random research project? Two third year English and History students have been victims of this in recent weeks, the time when they have needed the most help, and both claim that this is by no means the first time it has happened.

“I was told that if I wanted to see my tutors about my essays I had to go before the end of the Easter break. One told me he was about to catch a train as he was going on holiday for three weeks, the other is off on a research break. I therefore missed my chance to see either of them in the crucial stages of my work” complained the History student.

In total there are approximately 15,000 undergraduates and postgraduates studying at Cardiff. If we bear in mind that not all of these undergraduates are from the UK and so pay, on average, in the region of £36,000 a year in fees, and if we also take into account that postgraduates pay similar costs, then it could be argued that the university is not only making a significant profit but also that we certainly deserve results for our money.

This semester, gair rhydd revealed that tuition fees are not, as you would reasonably assume, being used to finance universities directly. Instead, they are being channelled into schemes that the government deems are worthier recipients of our money; the

upkeep of Cherie’s surgically enhanced smile is my guess. It might ease the resentment and disillusion that some students feel if those who are in charge put us in the full picture and told us exactly where our fees are going.

There is obviously no clear answer to this debate particularly when it seems that the extent of the problem varies greatly from not just degree scheme to degree scheme but also from lecturer to lecturer. Those of us who do feel hard done by do have a valid argument. After all, each of us has signed a contract with the university that can be enforced by law. Are we expecting too much to see it honoured appropriately by both parties – if students are expected to work hard and take on a number of commitments, so why not lecturers?

At the same time, some lectures could argue that the response from students in terms of punctuality and enthusiasm is hardly overwhelming, and that when they do make themselves available in office hours very few students turn up.

If Prof. Peck is in anyway correct in his opinion that administration duties are to blame for lapses in tutoring, then surely the University can get extra office staff to help deal with workload.

Each department employs several research associates who earn between £17-26,000 so why not fork out a little bit more from the substantial budget and any financial rewards gained from quality research to ease the workload for the people who really matter.

Whatever the case, there clearly needs to be greater action taken by the various representative panels that mediate between students and staff in

order to achieve some sort of compromise and to discuss any concerns felt by both parties. I can feel a campaign coming on...

A quick voxpop revealed a few students who were only too happy to tell us about their experiences: Elaine*, third year English, said that her personal tutor, Carl Plasa, was never around during her second and third year whilst researching. This year she returned to find he had gone on sabbatical. None of his students were informed.

John*, second year maths, claimed, “you go and see your lecturer and they seem more concerned with writing the latest thesis than getting us through our degrees.”

Pete*, a third year mechanical engineering student, told us that his lecturer had cancelled about a third of the lectures because of ‘research commitments’. So by the time of the exam we were missing huge chunks and had to supplement an already heavy workload with extra reading.

But, to redeem the university there were a few students who happily admitted that their bad experiences stemmed from their own laziness. Half the people questioned had no problems.

Gair Rhydd Monday 22nd April 2002

gairrhydd 2001-2002

Was brought to you by...

Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Michael Parsons News James Bladon and Lydia Kirby Sport Tristan Thomas and Michael Pearlman Focus Charlotte Spratt and Dan Barnes Books David Gates Arts LaDonna Hall and Lizzie Brown Music Gemma Curtis, Andy Parsons, Jamie Grierson and Gemma Jones Film Neil Blain and Jonathan Steven Games Chris Faires Get There Neil Krajewski Television Matt Harvey, Alex Mcpherson, Nick McDonald and Steve Hurst Letters Matt George Contributors Dominic O’Neill, Anna Hodgekiss, Mark Cobley, David Lindsall, Peter Wearn, JJR Callows, Nicola York, Howard Calvert, Dan Keel, Abbi Shaw, Rev Charles, Martyn Edwards, Maria Thomas, John Widdop, Jamie Fullerton, Pauline Cheung, Andy Parsons, Nick McDonald, Rob Jackson, Alex Macpherson, Sam Brokenshaw, Jenna Jackson, Rosalind Sack, Jim Rosenthal, Jo Ford, J.L O’Sullivan, Christopher Evans, David Williams, Helen Ainsworth.

Thanks to everyone who gave up their revision period to help put out this issue of Gair Rhydd.

We are always looking for new contributors, so if you think you’ve got what it takes to write for one of the best student newspapers in the country come along to our meetings.

News/ Sport/ Features – Monday 1.15pm.

GRiP – Wednesday 4.30pm Meet in the office on the 4th floor of the Union

Contact us Address Gair Rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434/436 Advertising – (029) 20781416 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Focus • 14

English World Cup hopes rest on horse It is with some trepidation that Daniel Barnes considers the inhumanity of treating David Beckham and children like horses

T

he noisiest and most socially acceptable platform for interracial hatred is stirring from its regular four-year slumber, and we have heard about nothing else since the first shafts of light crept through its curtains.

I am of course talking about the World Cup. It’s that time of year again when the English get unnecessarily excited and tumble around the room like their monkey-man ancestors, and when the Welsh get bitter and twisted as they struggle to find a country that isn’t England to support.

The biggest slice of the media attention cake has thus far been donated to poor old David Beckham.

As we have all heard, the poor lad has broken his foot – and the tragic thing is that if he’s not well he won’t be able to play for England in the World Cup. This is but a catastrophe in the cataractinfested eyes of the British public.

I won’t pretend for one minute to know anything about football, and I will confess that I’m sure Mr Beckham is a great asset for the team, after all, I know how instrumental to the well being of this country football really is.

But honestly, it is absurd and grotesque of the media to think that we should

feel sorry for him: he’s in pain – so what, my next-door neighbour is dying of cancer, he can’t play football – so what, hundreds of decent people who want to play football can’t because they don’t have time, because they have proper jobs. It is thoroughly ridiculous that we are expected to feel sorry for this over-paid, deeply over-privileged, under-educated man. Yes, man – he is a man, not a god or a saviour. We would do well to remember this.

The thing that struck me about the whole affair was the way in which good old Sven was so willing to go to press conferences and highlight to the world what an unbridled tragedy the whole thing is. Far from a straight-forward appraisal of Golden Balls, this Campbell-esque spin-doctoring from Sweden’s answer to Henry Kissenger acts as a cunning denouncement of the other players in the England squad.

What Sven is saying, in effect, is that without Becks England is damned because he is the only good player on the pitch. Does he realise he is insulting the other team members like this?

The best bit is yet to come, though.

In order to ensure that he will be well enough to at least attend the games, Mr Beckham is receiving a “ground

PopScene: With the swift departure of Paul from S Club 7, Abbi Shaw has a pop crisis

O

ne by one, the pillars of the great Temple of Pop crumble into dust.

Casualties thus far have included Steps (who have left us with a thousand useless boy groups comprising the original members’ of the once great institution’s relatives, for some inexplicable reason) and Hear’Say (they’re nothing without Kym). Not forgetting 5ive, whose unfortunate, but mildly hysterical demise sparked the birth of PopScene. And now, horror of horrors and terror beyond all terror, Paul S Club is now, well now he’s just plain Paul Cattermole. Which frankly, sounds ridiculous.

If you do fail to see what I’m saying, then, in plainer terms; he’s not an S Club Boy any more. Which means he’s left. Which in turn, means that S Club are slowly but surely going to fade into little more than a twitching curtain on the window of pop.

This is a disaster, but not actually on account of it being Paul. I mean, he wasn’t the lynchpin, the keystone, the Roger Waters of S Club 7 – just the fact that he was one of seven people, all of whom were equally important, is enough. S Club (such an inspirational name change on the part of the manager, don’t you think?), in losing a member, lose the

asymmetrical wit and charm that so endeared them to us in the first place. The whole dynamic will have shifted, and will, accordingly, be ruined.

Paul has apparently left as a result of the same “musical differences” that have plagued 5ive and Hear’Say – he intends to form his own band that takes itself rather more seriously and leans into the “nu-metal” genre. This is a decision that instantly plunge thousands into confusion and trauma: the S Club fans may well follow him to the dark side that is gothic howling and meowing, but will the black-clad, chained and S***knotted masses welcome him into their territory? He may have been trying to appear individual, what with all that weight gain and goatee-sporting, but nothing will ever stop us remembering his technicoloured days in Miami and LA. It is the beginning of the end of the beautiful dream that was S Club 7, for, as Hannah is still scandalously going out with Paul, it clearly won’t be long before she too branches out as the new Courtney Love. Enjoy the bright colours and cheap laughs while you can, because soon even S Club will be consumed by the evil and dark movement that, thus far, even Buffy has failed to defeat.

Mr Beckham (left) with his Harley Street doctor breaking” treatment that is usually reserved for ailing race horses. And you know a man has lost touch with reality when he can afford to be treated like a horse.

This is not the only piece of news this week that documents tales of people being treated like horses, apparently for their own good. A British schoolteacher has developed a classroom game that seeks to teach children to be disciplined and well mannered. The technique is derived from the practise of horse whispering, and claims to be heavily influenced by the dreary dull novel The Horse Whisperer.

The very fact that this teacher thinks that treating her pupils like smelly, hairy, violent, pretentious, spoilt animals is hilarious, but she genuinely believes that ‘whispering’ the children is a calm, collected and humane way of teaching them to be good. Is she mad?

The way to make children behave is the shout at them and punish them for the damage they have caused to the rest of

the class, the teacher and the school.

Regardless of what I have to say about the matter, the teacher concerned thinks she has birthed a jolly good idea, and furthermore that the children in her class are highly privileged to be on the receiving end of such a postmodern cutting edge classroom activity. Just like David Beckham’s entourage think it makes him more executive and important to be treated like a horse in order that he can do the easiest job in the world.

On the whole, I am ashamed to say that I think David Beckham is okay – he’s not the best person in the world, but he’s by no means the best. In the general scheme of things, he’s talented, rich, influential, brave with his haircuts and quite sexy, which seems to render him quite acceptable. But I still don’t feel sorry for his pain, but I am deeply sympathetic towards him as a decent man who between them the British public and good old Sven have degraded and reduced to the importance of a dirty, smelly, horse.

What grinds me down...

This week, Rev Charles re-lights the Nestle fire and lets it burn, as thousands of babies have already perished since the lifting of the ban

W

hat is the life of a modern Reverend in the United Reformed Church of England and Wales currently like?

Do you often find yourself asking this? Let me enlighten you, brethren. This morning, when I looked into the mirror, I gazed upon a single teaspoonful of compassion floating through my fatigued eyes.

It is my very sad duty to report to you, my friends, that at the AGM last, the voters representing the University decided that it would be a cracking idea to lift the ban of the sale of Nestle products within the Union.

Of the 850 people that turned up (not including the 500 who were turned away), 350 or so voted against the notion of maintaining the ban. 243 (including myself) voted for it.

So, congratulations to the beer-swilling rugbyplaying types who turned up to spoil the lives of the next generation of vulnerable Third World babies.

To quote BA Baracus, “How can you live with yourselves?!” I mean that. I hope you realise that you are collectively responsible for the deaths of millions of poor, sick African and Asian children - an estimated 1.5 million per year. How many people living in Cardiff?

About 300,000.

Interested in statistics? Let us consider the £300,000 a year which will now enter Nestle’s pocket. This probably represents about 0.0012%, assuming profits of £250million pa.

This makes you cruel and callous individuals indirectly responsible for the appallingly premature and unjustifiable deaths of five children per day. Oh, only five - that’s OK then.

How barbaric this University must be to harbour and protect people with criminal minds who would rather save themselves two measly minutes of their lives (by not embarking on a very short detour in order to purchase their Nestle products), than help some dying children. This is a triumph for selfishness, arrogance and downright laziness over humanity. I hope that the pro-Nestle voters will go on trial for this murderous act, which is, indubitably, a crime against humanity.

I wept a dozen tears or more for the suffering children of the Third World. What must they think of us? I feel abused on their behalf; I feel ashamed to be Welsh; and I feel devastated that I represented a University (the people, not the establishment) that has committed such an atrocity.

I shall now not threaten you, I merely give you advice. Watch your backs Nestle boys the vigilantes are on their way.

Anyone with views on the AGM should email the Gair Rhydd on SSUGR1@Cardiff.ac.uk. for inclusion in the AGM debate next issue.

Prifysgol Cymru Abertawe Adran Addysg

University of Wales Swansea Department of Education

Just finishing your degree?

Fancy a Starting Salary of £17,600 Would You Like To Teach?

The Department of Education, the largest in Wales, has vacancies for a September 2002 start, on the following Post Graduate Certificate in Education (PGCE) teacher training courses at Primary and Secondary level.

• Biology

• Chemistry

• Design and Technology

• English

• Geography

• History

• I.T.

• Mathematics

• Modern Languages

• Physics

• Welsh

All Secondary subjects command a training and teaching grant ranging from £6,000-£10,000 depending on subject.

Please note that 50% of our students live in Cardiff and train in our Cardiff partner schools during this course.

The qualifications obtained from this course are valid throughout Europe. You will receive two qualifications - the PGCE and Qualified Teacher Training Status (QTS).

Students may gain accreditation towards a Masters Degree in Education (M.Ed.) during the PGCE. Telephone: 01792 518673 for a prospectus or visit our website at: www.swan.ac.uk/education

Students on PGCE courses will be exempt from their contribution towards the tuition fees.

Plans to legislate to allow the Government to pay off the student loans of newly qualified teachers in shortage subjects from September 2002 have been announced.

Further information can be obtained from: http://www.teachernet.gov.uk/teachersloans

STUDENT VOLUNTEERING CARDIFF AN EXCITING OPPORTUNITY WORKING IN THE STUDENT VOLUNTEERING OFFICE University Union, Park Place, Cardiff You will be the

PROJECT WORKER (GENERIC) Salary Scale ÂŁ105 per week

The post is fixed term, part-time position (21 hours flexi-time) starting 2nd September 2002 ending 2nd May 2003

You will be working in an enthusiastic, busy office. Your responsibilities will include supporting the generic projects, recruiting, training and supporting volunteers. You will be part of a friendly, caring team committed to providing volunteering opportunities and you will also gain valuable experience to further your career.

Further information and application pack will be available from MONDAY 15TH APRIL and may be obtained from the Student Volunteering Office, 3rd Floor, University Union, Park Place, Cardiff.

Tel No. 029 2034 3474. E-mail Darea@cardiff.ac.uk.

THE CLOSING DATE FOR THE POST IS 1.00PM TUESDAY 7TH MAY 2002 INTERVIEWS WILL BE HELD ON THURSDAY 9TH MAY 2002

summer ball 02 Cardiff University

To be held at

Cardiff International Arena, Friday 14th June ATOMIC KITTEN, TREVOR NELSON PLUS

FAIRGROUND RIDES, JUGGLERS, ACROBATS, DRUMMERS, MAGICIANS, FIRE BREATHERS, A CASINO, HENNA TATTOOS PLUS MUCH MORE Price £28

log on to

www.cardiffstudents.com for the latest updates on entertainment line-up

email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 22nd April / Sport Page 18

No Becks and the group of death?

ENGLAND HOPES: After the trials and tribulations of the Keegan reign and the arrival of King Sven, Gair Rhydd Sport continues its countdown to the World cup with an examination of England’s chances Words by J.L O’Sullivan ALREADY DEEP into April, the domestic club scene enters it’s final phase and the culmination of the grand European showcases is within sight.

But around the footballing globe imaginations are fired and dreams kindled in the certainty that the last day of May will witness the beginning of one the Planet’s truly great festivals of sport – the Fifa World Cup. England’s adventure begins two days later in the Japanese city of Saitama, but where will it end?

All is dependent on the twenty-three men who will constitute the final squad.

Their names must be lodged with the governing body by midnight on the May 21. That same day England play their last warm-up game on Jeju Island against co-hosts, South Korea.

That the majority of those twenty-three berths are already occupied is a given.

The form, experience and standing of certain individuals demands their inclusion and until last week an England without Owen, Gerrard, Beckham or Scholes would have been unthinkable.

David Beckham’s broken foot has forced an expectant public and excitable media to face, prematurely, England’s limitations.

With no immediately obvious candidate for Beckham’s position on the England

right let alone the captain’s armband, Sven-Goran Eriksson’s selection problems have suddenly multiplied ten-fold.

For those on the fringes the clock is ticking. Wayne Bridge and Darius Vassell played themselves into contention during England’s outing against the Dutch.

Tottenham’s Teddy Sheringham downturn in form has, perhaps unjustly, thrown into question his involvement, which as little as two months ago was beyond censure.

Eriksson’s professed admiration for Newcastle United’s Kieron Dyer has cast the injury racked midfielder a lifeline.

Dyer’s various anatomical calamities had, until recently, denied Eriksson even the opportunity of watching the 23-year-old train during his tenure as England coach.

Yet, the need for a left boot to grace England’s left-flank is a much vaunted one and should see Dyer’s elevation to the squad if he can underpin his fitness.

It is the physical well being of key individuals, which may well decide the fate of Eriksson’s campaign. Michael Owen is notoriously injury prone.

The importance of his Liverpool team mate, Steven Gerrard, to England’s cause is now all too obvious given Beckham’s sidelining, but he too has seen his

development curtailed by injury.

England look to be tactically settled. The preferred 4-4-2 system is honed and Eriksson has settled on a tactical foil that employs three men in the centre of midfield. It is the intensity of competition, the group games played over just 10 days, which will threaten England’s quest.

And what of those opening matches?

England’s campaign begins on June 2 against Sweden.

The Swedes qualified for the finals without tasting defeat.

They boast amongst their number Celtic striker and European “Golden Boot”, Henrik Larsson.

Five days later England face perhaps their toughest task. In Sapporo, the site of the 1972 Winter Olympics, Eriksson’s men will meet the mighty Argentina.

The threat posed by the South Americans, complete with Batistuta and Crespo, Veron and Ortega, Ayala and Zanetti, is obvious and will test England’s ambition.

Finally, England will cross the Tsugaru Strait to the island of Honshu and at Osaka, Japan’s oldest city, will meet Nigeria on the 12th June.

A squad brimming with potential may yet upset the momentum of the established nations.

During the coming weeks England can seize a golden opportunity, but the challenge they face in terms of their opposition, climate and their own fitness will prove huge.

DAYS UNTIL THE WORLD CUP

39

NEXT ISSUE: We focus on the chances of the Republic of Ireland and the World Champions France. We also profile two extremely different players, Emmanuel Olisadebe of Poland and Italy’s World Cup veteran Paulo Maldini.

His injury has caused more sorrow than the death of the Queen Mother

Gerrard ready for greatest stage of all Christopher Evans profiles young England star Steven Gerrard

This man could very well inspire England

WHILE THE English cognoscenti furiously debated the undeniable problems associated with England’s leftsided midfield berth, the recent injury to David Beckham kindled new arguments of who should fill the talismanic captain’s boots.

The national press has received Beckham’s broken ankle in typically dramatic fashion and has singled out this loss as a possible end to any hopes of English success in the Far East.

As the pub debate rages, it seems obvious that 21 year Steven Gerrard will be as vital to English hopes this summer, as an effective left-sided suitor would be.

21 year old Gerrard, a product of the Liverpool Academy, has witnessed a meteoric rise over the last few years where he has been viewed as the engine room, creative wizard and influential dynamo behind Liverpool’s recent flourish.

Hailing from Whiston in Merseyside, Gerrard first sprung to prominence as a surprise inclusion in Kevin Keegan’s World Cup squad in 1998 after a spout of dominating performances for Liverpool.

Gerrard shone in both midfield and at right back.

“His unquenchable thirst for his teams cause is always obvious” Gerrards’ importance first became obvious in

England’s 2-1 victory over Finland at Anfield in 2001 when he quashed the threat of his current team-mate, and Finland’s equivalent of David Beckham, Jari Litmanen.

Whilst many regularly rant about the sheer brilliance of Viera and Roy Keane, Gerrard has often overshadowed them despite being barely out of his teens.

His unquenchable thirst for his team’s cause is always obvious, yet he also presents many dictatorial qualities, a Beckhamesque range of passing and a thunderous shot, unforgettably displayed via his incredible 25 yard strike against Germany in THAT game.

AS England mourn the loss of the player that has become

synonymous with the virtues of the era under Sven, the former PFA Young Player of the Year must continue to rapidly mature with every performance with the Three Lions at his chest.

“It is a fact that England have NEVER lost when Steven Gerrard has played” His free-kick to set-up Michael Owen’s header in the recent friendly versus Paraguay was akin to one of Mr Posh Spice’s famous dead-ball deliveries, suggesting that young Mr Gerrard has what it takes.

Although we can all argue and speculate, it is a fact that England have never lost when Steven Gerrard has started.

Hopefully, this trend will not be upset this summer in much warmer climates.

email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 22nd April / Sport Page19

Cardiff left Masterly from Woods to rue poor year. Again Report by David Williams

Report by David Williams A TWENTY-SIX point haul from Pontypridd’s Davey was just enough to put his side in the Principality Cup final and end Cardiff’s last chance of silverware.

An almost flawless display of goal kicking by the fullback, which included eight penalties and a conversion, stunned Cardiff, whose path into the final had been predicted by many experts long before the kick-off.

Davey said; “To beat Cardiff at the Millennium Stadium in the semi-final of the cup is great.

We got off to a good start, then they came back and it took a lot of courage towards the end.”

Ponty’s intentions were obvious from the kick-off as they put instant pressure on the Cardiff defence and they were rewarded when hooker Mefin Davies crossed from close range.

Davey added the conversion and followed it up with two penalties which gave the Sardis Road side a 13-0 lead only a quarter of an hour in.

However, Cardiff came back in spectacular fashion with three tries in the remainder of the first half.

Firstly, from quick line-out ball, long servant Jonathan Humphreys, like Davies,

Cardiff disappoints

showed that hookers can also score vital tries.

Ten minutes later Rob Howley showed his strength to feed who in turn off-loaded to Pieter Muller for a superb team try.

Then, after Davey and Iestyn Harris had exchanged two penalties each, Jamie Robinson used his pace to catch an excellent Harris chip to put Cardiff 25-19 up at half time.

The second half saw Ponty at their cup best as they tactically outplayed Cardiff with precise kicking out of hand from Ceri Sweeney and Davey.

Cardiff’s first try scorer Humphreys summed up the team’s feelings after the final whistle; “We just couldn’t get in their territory in the secondhalf. They got the decisions from the referee and just seemed to be kicking us back all the time.”

Four more penalties by man-of-the-match Davey gave his side a six-point lead going into injury time and not even late pressure by Cardiff could deny the Rhondda team another place in the final.

Their coach, Lynn Howells, a former Cardiff coach, was quick to praise his squad’s efforts; “You’ve got to take your hat off to the boys. Their secondhalf performance was massive.”

“They wore their hearts on their sleeve, dogged it out and came away with a result. It proves the youngsters are capable of playing on a big stage.”

Pontypridd will now take on Llanelli in the final after the West Wales team beat Ebbw Vale 34-17.

It was not straightforward for the Scarlets who had to score two tries in the last ten minutes to see off the Steelmen and get through to their second final in three years.

TIGER WOODS continued his domination of world golf to claim his third Masters title in six years and his seventh major in all.

His third green jacket could be the catalyst for his attempt at the Grand Slam, which he has yet to achieve in his relatively short career.

In a tournament that saw golfing legend Arnold Palmer play in his last Masters, Woods finished three shots ahead of last years US Open winner Retief Goosen, and close friend Phil Mickelson who finished in third, one shot better than Jose Maria Olazabal, the leading European.

And Palmer, who received a standing ovation at every hole after playing nearly fifty

times in the Masters, would have been proud of the way that Woods was able to play such controlled golf under the circumstances.

However, a Woods win had looked less than likely after day two where heavy rain showers had led to the postponement of several players rounds, and which had caused some concern to the Augusta organisers.

Fiji’s Vijay Singh had escaped the bad weather and had looked set to go into the final round in the lead, but, pressure from the likes of Woods eventually took its toll on Singh, the 2000 champion, who ended in seventh.

With the usually fast greens not carrying the ball as normal, good iron play was vital on a course which had been changed drastically from last year.

Aggression, control, skill, stamina, kicking Report by Helen Ainsworth

Last Sunday Cardiff University Kickboxing held a thrilling interclub tournament at Talybont Sports Centre.

Around 60 fighters competed for trophies in five different categories depending on experience and ability. The tournament was a successful chance for members of the club to put into practice techniques learnt over the past year.

Apart from the odd knock, the competition went smoothly and proved to be a nail biting display of aggression, control, skill and stamina; all of which had been practiced in classes over the past few weeks in preparation.

The first category held was the Women’s Junior. Fighters in this category had attained a red or white belt and in most cases had only been fighting for around half a year.

The competitors had no previous experience of fighting in tournaments yet they showed real capability and strength. The Men’s Junior category followed this and was split into two heights, those under 5’10’’

and those 5’10’’ and over.

Both categories showed some very promising competitors displaying some well-practiced techniques.

Within the Senior categories fighters had achieved their yellow, orange or green belts. In the Women’s Senior category the final proved to be incredibly close and tense, stirring up much screaming in the audience. The Male Senior category showed some of the best techniques of the tournament with double points being awarded in many fights.

Within each category the winners were as follows: Women’s Junior, Charlotte Stranks (1st), Polly Dugmore (2nd) and Hannah Manley (3rd). Men’s Junior under 5’10’’, George Batchelor (1st), Nabil Lambert (2nd) and Alex Catmur (3rd). Men’s Junior 5’10’’ and above, Kevin Bates (1st), Ian Nicholls (2nd) and Tony Hawkins (3rd). Women’s Senior, Nia Cooper (1st), Sian Roberts (2nd) and Claire Reid (3rd). Men’s Senior, Andy Bowles (1st), Steve Tate (2nd) and Chris ‘Chuck’ Norris (3rd).

Holes 1, 7, 11 and 18 were just a few which had been altered to provide a sterner test for the players with less chances for tee shots to travel once they had hit the fairway.

But, for long hitters such as Woods, the lengthened holes proved to have little or no effect due to the skills of today’s players.

For Woods though, not even a few more yards added to each hole was going to prevent him from winning yet another major and proving to the world that he is the one to beat.

His 12 under par score was

well short of his 1997 record breaking best but it was more than enough to secure a hattrick of Masters.

British performances were less impressive though with Colin Montgomerie, who looks destined to miss out on a major, the highest placed in fifteenth along with three times winner Nick Faldo.

However, Ireland’s Padraig Harrington continued where he left off last year with an excellent fifth place but Welshman Ian Woosnam was unable to rekindle his magic of 1991 as he failed to make the cut.

Lawrence inspires City to playoff place Michael Pearlman, Sports Editor CARDIFF CITY have secured a place in the play-offs following victory over Notts County last Saturday.

Having spluttered along at times this season, the team have finally hit form under the guidance of Lennie Lawrence.

Since he took over the reins, Lawrence has inspired the Bluebirds to a 12-game unbeaten streak, a run that includes no less than nine wins.

Although defender Spencer Prior has claimed that Cork must be handed the plaudits for Cardiff’s lofty position, Lawrence’s influence cannot be underestimated.

His experience and tactical expertise have been instrumental in Cardiff’s resurgence.

For many Cardiff supporters, the current form is simply a fulfilment of the enormous potential the team has shown since Sam Hamman gave the club a much-needed cash injection.

Hamman took his spending on transfers to £7 million on transfer deadline day.

It was a homegrown player who sealed the decisive win however.

Central defender Scott Young bagged himself a brace to continue an unlikely run that has seen

him score in Cardiff’s last home game in each of the last three seasons.

Cardiff’s surge into the play-offs has offered up a number of intriguing possibilities.

There is strong chance that City could be matched up against Stoke, a fixture that has witnessed crowd troubles over the years.

For Graham Kavanagh and Peter Thorne, it presents an opportunity for an emotional return to the club that sold them to the Bluebirds.

In the past two seasons the players have experienced play-off heartache with Stoke, so the motivation cannot be any greater.

The other possibilities for semi-final opponents are Reading, Brentford and Huddersfield.

Cardiff travelled up to McAlpine Stadium earlier this month and was only denied victory by conceding two late goals, so Lawrence may claim a psychological advantage.

The form of the other opponents is somewhat patchy so there are plenty of reasons to be optimistic.

The incentive of a showpiece final at the Millennium Stadium is huge. Lawrence and his team will hope that the local support will prove decisive should they get there. It is certainly a mouth-watering prospect.

BBC commentator lends support to bursaries Report by David Williams MARCH 28TH saw this year’s Sports Bursary Award Ceremony with honoured guest Mitch Fenner, former Great Britain Gymnastics Coach and BBC Commentator.

Mitch gave a light-hearted speech about his experiences in elite level sport.

Currently working as a senior lecturer, Mitch has experienced at first hand the difficulties of combining sport and an academic career.

The University Bursary Awards Scheme currently supports 20 elite performers, across 13 different sports.

Running since 1996, the

scheme has grown, offering first class advice and support, in for example: psychology, fitness testing, time management, and nutrition.

The scheme currently boasts four potential competitors and 20 National or International performers.

The awards ceremony also heard speeches from Dr David Owens, Dean of Students, Jayne Coveney Head of Sport and Recreation Services, and Trish Ball, Acting Sports Development Co-ordinator.

All celebrated the bursars achievements and explained how the university is proud to host such promising athletes.

The athletes were able to talk with Mitch about his experiences and their future

intentions. The Athletic Union were also represented, along with the Royal and Ancient Golf Society, who sponsor one of the students.

The ceremony was a celebration of the students efforts over the past year, the results speak for themselves, combing an full-time academic career with a full time training schedule is exceptional.

Welsh Duathlon glory for Cardiff Uni athlete Cardiff University student Daniel Beynon who only began the gruelling sport of triathlon 12 months ago has finished 3rd

in the Welsh Duathlon championships in March.

Daniel, who has a proven background in Athletics, made the switch last year.

He has been part of the Sports Bursary scheme for 2001/2002, receiving financial and development support for his training.

Daniel has recently joined the Welsh U23 squad and is preparing for pre season warm weather training.

Judging on recent performances, Daniel is someone to look out for in the future.

For more information about the Bursary Award Scheme, please contact the Sports Development Coordinator at Park Place Fitness and Rackets Centre 02920 874676.

The Sports Bursaries nominees

“It is the physical well being of key individuals that will count. Michael Owen is notoriously injury prone”, page 18

WORLD CUP

RFU DISASTER

Wall Chart: centre pages

Cardiff’s season doesn’t bode well for the national sides chances

England’s Hopes: p.18

gair rhydd

Sport email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 22nd April / Free Word 718

So close for UWC heroes Rosalind Sack reporting CARDIFF NETBALL 1sts put up a fantastic performance at the BUSA Halifax Indoor Finals in Birmingham at the beginning of the Easter break, making the final and narrowly missing out to a class side.

The A.U. team of the year beat off competition from Brunel WL in the semi- finals on Friday to progress to the finals against Birmingham, who proved formidable opposition going on to win the BUSA championship.

The match against Brunel was tainted with nerves, which added to an unsettled start from the Cardiff team.

Both sides began with blistering pace although it was Brunel who emerged three goals ahead at quarter time.

The second quarter of the hour-long match remained somewhat erratic with a number of wild balls, but Cardiff were steadily clawing back to achieve a half- time score of 19–19, making the game open to either side.

The break prompted a Goal Keeping change from Kim Mullen playing for Cardiff on her home soil, to the second team’s Kathryn Green.

The second half began with Cardiff steaming ahead by three goals after five minutes in what was a much more settled show of team play.

Cardiff’s lead remained steady and they went into the final quarter with every potential to win.

Indeed, their potential was realised, with Cardiff fighting of a last ditch attempt by Brunel and going on to win the match by 45 goals to 44, securing their place in the Ist Team Championship Finals.

Meanwhile, in the other semi-finals, Birmingham emerged as victors against a Northumbria side littered with national players.

Sunday’s final attracted a big crowd to Birmingham, guaranteed to see a fine display of netball at a very high level.

1999/ 2000 winners Birmingham and the Cardiff side sported current and previous Wales and England Internationals, as well as England rugby stars, Rory and Tony Underwood’s sister at Goal Shooter for Birmingham.

Cardiff were however missing Welsh Uni’s and A.U. Fresher of the Year Sophie Armstrong at Wing Attack, but remained positive, eager to prove their talent on the court.

The game began with Birmingham in the driving seat, leaving Cardiff goalless and with some work to do.

But UWC picked up their game going into the quarter time break and managed to net some more goals, trailing 9–12 at quarter time – the same three goal deficit as in the semi-finals.

Eventually finding form, Cardiff continued closing in on Birmingham’s lead,

THE CARDIFF TEAM: Unlucky not to claim BUSA title

tightening the gap by two goals at one stage.

It was Birmingham this time however, who picked up a flurry of goals going into half time, securing a scoreline of 24-18 six goals ahead of Cardiff.

The half-time water break and team talk must have proved useful for Cardiff who made changes at Goal Keeper again and went back on court, digging deep to win the third quarter 10–8, closing the scoreline to 32–28 to Birmingham.

Cardiff’s court play was on a par with Birmingham’s

Four-midable Cardiff create history again Jim Rosenthal and Jo Ford reporting CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Mens’ Waterpolo team created history yet again, by retaining the BUSA title at Nottingham University.

It is the fourth year in a row that they have triumphed, this year holding off the challenge of Cambridge, Loughborough and Bristol.

The first game of the weekend saw Cardiff making a good start against Bristol.

Andy Crayford was instrumental in containing a

potent Bristol strike force, allowing the Cardiff attack to build up a 6–3 lead in the 2nd quarter, with two goals apiece from Mark Taylor and Darren Easton and a goal each from Holland and Wells.

Cardiff then continued their trend of making things difficult for themselves ad allowed Bristol back into the game.

With the score level at 7–7 all in the final quarter, Cardiff missed numerous chances before Charlie Hinder broke the deadlock and UWC ran out 10-7 winners.

Cardiff then faced a Cambridge side who fresh from a victory over Loughborough believed they had a real chance of taking the BUSA title.

Cambridge scored first because of a defensive mix up, but were then blown away after two remarkable quarters of waterpolo.

Jeff Cowling-Bryant and Dave Taylor were particularly impressive as Cardiff built up a 7–2 lead.

Cardiff cruised to a convincing 15–7 win, Dave Taylor finishing the game with six goals and his brother Mark

assisted by Bea Chater who played a storming game in place of the absent Sophie Armstrong at Wing Attack.

The problems however, lay at either end of the court, with an amazingly tall Birmingham Goal Attack with a fantastic jump and some accurate shooting.

The final score was 45–37 to Birmingham – a great side who follow DMU Bedford as winners of the BUSA 1st Team Championship.

Cardiff did however go home with the Halifax Player of the Match award presented to Helen Richards scoring four.

With maximum points from their last two games Cardiff went into the game against Loughborough nearly assured of the BUSA title.

It was still possible for either Cambridge, Loughborough or UWC to be crowned champions, however as long as Cardiff didn’t lose by more than four goals they would take the trophy back to Wales.

Cardiff made their usual bad start, going a goal down early on but battled back to lead 3–2 after the 1sts quarter. The 2nd and 3rd quarters were equally close, with Crayford followed his earlier goal with a solid performance and Dave Taylor was in awesome form, scoring five goals.

With Cardiff leading 13–11 in the last minute, Loughborough scored with seven seconds to go.

Welsh Cup success joy for CU Tristan Thomas, Sports Editor

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY looks odds on to claim several Welsh Cup champions again this year.

Men’s Hockey soundly beat Swansea institute in the semifinal, and will wait to see who they meet in the decisive match.

They will hope to continue their excellent season, a campaign that has seen them cemented as one of the premier sides in Wales.

Women’s Hockey beat their quarter-final opponents NEWI 5–0, and will hope to consolidate their progress against Glamorgan in the semi’s.

There was disappointment for the senior football side, as they lost to an injury time winner, also against NEWI. The seconds performed better to trounce Bangor 3–0, a result which will boost confidence after a poor season.

Netball showed that this season will go down as the finest in it’s history, with a PHOTO: NATHALIE CONNER convincing win.

Men’s Rugby are also who, as ever, played a looking good, after recording relentless and invaluable a consummate victory over defensive and highly athletic Newport. game.

Emerging as runners up was a great result in itself for Cardiff netball, achieving the Welsh Cup Results best BUSA placing in the W. Hockey 5-0 NEWI history of the club. Rachel Roberts as 1st team captain M. Hockey 11-0 Swansea and Kate Edwards as club captain have been influential Netball 1sts 61-45 Bangor throughout, leading by example.

M. Rugby 48-8 Newport The team deserve every praise for a great BUSA season Football 1sts 2-3 NEWI and are on course for similar victory in the Cardiff and Football 2nds 3-0 Bangor District League as well.

But it was to late, as Cardiff retained their title as BUSA champions.

John Shoebridge said “We are all delighted, the lads have put in a lot of hard work.

We’ve proved yet again we are the best team in the country.”

After making the final for the first time ever, UWC

women’s water polo had performed excellently, though unfortunate results elsewhere meant they only finished third.

Captain Emma James, who leaves this year, said “We are proud of our amazing achievements this year. I am sure that next year’s team will be equally successful”.

The impressive physical prowess of the polo sides

GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT WEST C0UNTRY PUBLICATIONS, PLYMOUTH ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAY RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ WHY DONT YOU KNOW HOLLIOKE. CAUSE HE’S NOT ANDIAN? ■ WELL DONE WATHAN ■ 8 JUNE.. FUCKING GREAT ■ TONY DOCUMENTARY. I MUST BE DREAMING