gair rhydd - Issue 720

Inside GRiP: New York’s second finest band the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s

Queen of Pop

Features find out why Kylie is music’s high priestess Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

MONDAY 6TH MAY 2002 / FREE WORD 720

gairrhydd CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

Wales could benefit in Uni merger plans

Sarah Hodson reports The whole of Wales is set to benefit if a planned merger between Cardiff University and the University of Wales College of Medicine goes ahead.

The Alliance Project, which has been recommended by the National Assembly, plans to create an internationally renowned ‘research-led’ institution that could begin to take shape in as little as two months time.

The report suggests that the creation of the new university will not only benefit students at both institutions, but could also make a contribution to the social and economic well being of Wales.

Dr. David Grant, the ViceChancellor of Cardiff University who has been leading the debate with the Vice-Chancellor of the Welsh College of Medicine, is excited about the planned partnership.

“I believe that this is a major opportunity for Cardiff University as a whole to build stronger foundations for excellence in an international arena.”

The moves comes just four months after the Welsh Assembly announced that Cardiff’s alleged desire to pull

out of the federal University of Wales would ‘inevitably’ break up the organisation.

It now seems that the move could have been paving the way for the new allegiance between Cardiff and the University of Wales College of Medicine.

The talks came about after the National Assembly’s Review of Higher Education recommended that the two institutions should explore how they might work more closely together in order to bring together research and education to benefit

the merger listed on the University of Wales College of Medicine’s website is that for Cardiff to remain as an internationally competitive research-led university it must incorporate a medical school.

It is currently the only university in the Russell group, the premier league of UK research-led universities, without a medical department, which could seriously affect Cardiff‘s chances of gaining research funding.

However, Student’s Union Academic Affairs officer Ian Hibble was keen to allay fears of teaching being abandoned for research in the university.

“This is a major opportunity for Cardiff to build stronger foundations for excellence in an international arena.”

DR. DAVID GRANT VICE-CHANCELLOR

themselves and Wales as a whole.

However, the merger has been criticised by Cardiff students, who already feel that the University is concentrating on research rather than teaching.

Indeed, the main benefit of

He said “It is true that being a member of the Russell Group does bring many benefits for the University, but I don’t believe that the merger will mean that teaching will be affected.”

“On the whole I think that a merger will be to the benefit of

Heath Hospital would still be the base for Medical Students in the planned merger

students as well as to the reputation of the University.”

As the plans are still in their early stages, it is unclear as to how students at both institutions will be affected by the merger.

There is a chance that the Welsh College’s Union, the popular Med Club, could be closed down and merged with Cardiff University’s Students’ Union.

This would lead to Medical students having to travel to

Female students flashed at on Uni campus Lydia Kirby reports Two final year students were left shocked and frightened after a man exposed himself to them on the University campus.

The assault occurred last Monday evening in the alleyway behind Park Place as students Clare Freeman and Emma Price made their way to the Main Building. A middleaged man, walking in the

opposite direction, approached the two girls, revealed his penis to them and started masturbating. He stared menacingly at the girls throughout before walking off in the direction of Cathays Terrace.

The girls had spotted the man before he approached them but had not suspected anything unusual.

“I could see his hand moving from the distance but

I really thought he was zipping up his jacket or something,” Miss Price said.

The man is described as of medium build, in his 50’s with a short beard and dirty white hair. He was wearing scruffy dark trousers and a jacket.

Both girls were left shocked by the event and admit it has frightened them off walking down the alley again.

“It was only 7pm and students were still walking

about,” Miss Price said. “I’m never walking down that alley again.”

Student Liaison Officer, PC Keohane, stressed the importance of sticking to busy roads whenever possible and carrying rape alarms, available from the Union shop.

“An assault like this can really shake someone up even if they are not physically harmed,” he added.

Park Place to use the Union’s facilities.

The possible closure has caused concern among many Medical students.

“It would be a real blow if the Med Club closed down,” said Paul, a third year Medic.

“Most Medics socialise there as it is convenient. Our individuality as Medical students could be lost if this merger goes ahead.”

However, Cardiff University Students’ Union President Tom

McGarry is sure that the closure of the Med Club was unlikely to happen.

“Both Tim Rogerson, the President of the University of Wales College of Medicine’s Students’ Union, and I are keen that any alliance should see both Union’s staying separate and retaining their independence.”

The Alliance Working Group will meet again in July to discuss the future of the merger.

“America would die for the chance to have a monarchy, and must be ruing the day their ancestors set themselves up as republic.”

FOCUS FLY THE FLAG FOR THE QUEEN, PAGE 29 News p1–4 ● Letters p7 ● GRiP p9 TV listings p20 ● Features p27 ● Sport p30

News 2

IN BRIEF Advice line there for you NIGHTLINE, CARDIFF University’s advice line, is available seven days a week to help with any problems you may be facing.

Run by students trained to deal with all sorts of problems, Nightline provides a completely confidential service to all Cardiff students.

Students can contact Nightline on (02920) 382141 seven days a week from 8am to 8pm or by dropping into the centre on 148 Colum Road.

Two new NonSabb positions THE UNION executive will be extending next year to allow for two more non-sabbatical positions.

A Gair Rhydd non-sabbatical will be elected to work alongside the editor and help organise recruitment and the newspaper’s society.

The position of LGB officer will be divided between two non-sabbatticals – a male and a female. Those elected will join the 2002-3 Union Executive team.

Focus on health STUDENT HEALTH and safety will be the theme of this Friday’s Union focus group.

The Meeting, which will take place in Buffers in Solus from 12-2pm on May 10, is open for all students to voice their opinion.

The final Focus meeting on May 17 will examine Student Democracy.

Pill alert on your mobile FEMALES CAN now be reminded to take their contraceptive pill via text message.

Girls can choose which reminder they wish to receive by logging on to www.NetDoctor.co.uk.

The service is available to all users of Vodafone, Orange, BT Cellnet and T-Mobile phones.

Gair Rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 6TH MAY 2002

Violence erupts at IMG awards Dickie Fox reports Fights between rival football teams marred the IMG awards night, held at the Great Hall last Saturday.

Over three hundred Intermural players had turned out for the occasion that celebrated prize winners from the past season.

But the generally jovial occasion turned ugly as attendees were asked to leave the venue and fights broke out between several Jomec and Chemsoc players.

One Jomec player received a bloody nose while a

“A Momed player, attempting to break up the clashes needed stitches”

IMG Chair Laura Welsh enjoys herself at the awards

success and held in good spirits. It’s a shame a few spoiled it”.

Laura, who had put in a huge amount of work to help

organise the event was praised by all the IMG members.

“She’s a legend,” said one Chemsoc player.

Lydia Kirby reports The final week of election campaigning begins this Monday for the Sabbatical and NonSabbatical by-elections.

Candidates have just three more days to convince people they are the best person for the job before voting takes place on Wednesday 8 and Thursday 9 May. The complete executive team for 2002-3 will be revealed in next week’s Gair Rhydd.

Seven candidates are running for the Sabbatical position of Communications and Community Officer, which promises to be a closely run contest.

The Non- Sabbatical positions to be contested are LGB officer, Mature Student’s Officer, Students’ with Disabilities Officer and AU Vice-President.

Although campaigning for this by-election has been very quiet compared with the scenes of the Sabbatical elections, candidates have made themselves known to students in lectures and in the Union.

Graduates Media night a lacking in huge success social skills Sarah Hodson reports

Lydia Kirby reports GRADUATES ARE bad at dealing with people, have poor manners and are generally lacking in social skills, a survey of employers has revealed.

The results, which confirm findings of earlier surveys of employer’s views, was revealed in a new study from the Chartered Management Institute and the London School of Printing based on the results of 2,250 managers across the country.

Of those interviewed, only 30 per cent said they were impressed by their new recruits’ ability to communicate and only a quarter rated their skills of literacy and numeracy.

Graduates’ fell down particularly on their ability to work

EDITORIAL 02920 781434/436 ADVERTISING 02920 781416 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

Momed player, attempting to break up some of the clashes, needed two stitches to a head wound.

IMG chair, Laura Welsh, condemned the incident, “It took the gloss off a wonderful night.”

“A few individuals perhaps had a bit too much to drink and let some of the on the pitch rivalry get out of hand”.

The violence meant that many of those who wanted to continue the celebrations in Solus were turned away.

Those with team shirts on were also refused entry to Incognito on Park Place.

The hostility was sparked by the disappearance of some of the trophies as the ceremony ended and a disco started.

But Miss Welsh claimed this was not representative of the IMG as a whole.

“Generally the night was a

By-election voting this week

Celebrating the end of uni

in a team (rated by just 25 per cent of managers), comprehension, (23 per cent), and problem solving (20 per cent.)

Research manager, Karen Charlesworth, who helped conduct the survey, believes it has revealed some worrying results.

“The children of the news millennium are technologically bright,” she said.

“Spreadsheets are second nature to them, but when it comes to matters of formal etiquette, their manners are not always what they should be. They are not socially polished in discussion.”

The study is calling for universities to do more to prepare graduates for the work place.

The government should oversee the development of skills workshops and money allocated to helping run such courses, the survey says.

A spokesperson for a Natwest, who employ hundreds of graduates each year, agreed that many do find it hard to adapt to the work place in their first few months of employment but believes it is wrong to blame the universities.

“It does take time for students to get used to having a proper job.” he said.

“They have to dress well, be on time and polite to customers – all things they probably haven’t done before. But these sorts of things come with time and experience.”

The annual Gair Rhydd and Xpress Radio Media Awards was deemed a great success by those who attended the glittering ceremony in the Great Hall last Friday night.

The awards serve to congratulate those who have been committed to, and excelled at, student media throughout the year.

Awards were given out for categories such as Best News Reporter and Best Male Presenter, and were presented by representatives from the local and national media.

Gair Rhydd editor Sarah Hodson was delighted with the evening’s results.

“Everyone who won a prize tonight deserved it, but it’s just as important to remember

those who have put in so much time and effort to Gair Rhydd and Xpress this year but didn’t win a prize.

I’d just like to thank everyone who has made Gair Rhydd and Xpress the successess that they have been this year.”

The winners in full Gair Rhydd

Best News Reporter James Bladon Best Sports Reporter David Williams Best Designer Jonathan Steven Best Photographer Michael Parsons Best Critic Alex Macpherson Best Feature Writer Charlotte Spratt Best Interview Andy Parsons Editor’s Award for Dedication Lydia Kirby

Xpress Radio

Best Male Adam Brooks Best Female Anna-Lissa Goshawk Best Feature Show The News Team Best News Coverage Gina Lee and James Lewis Best Newcomer Jodi Campbell Best Specialist Show Vicki Blight Station Manager’s Award for Dedication Matt Willis

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 6TH MAY 2002

Virgin girl wins house Samantha Matthews reports

Jess Baker (left) celebrates with her housemates

Botham bowls in to Cardiff Mark Cobley reports CARDIFF CASTLE was last week graced by the presence of Hollywood superstar Catherine Zeta Jones and cricket veteran Ian Botham.

The South Wales born actress was joined by Cardiff singer Charlotte Church in the last leg of Botham’s 229 mile charity walk for Wales’ first childrens’ hospital.

The three celebrities were greeted by thousands of well wishers during their walk from Cardiff Bay to the town centre.

The appeal is now only a few thousand pounds short of

its target after the walk raised more than a million pounds in total. The Noah’s Ark charity must raise five million pounds for work to start on the £21 million hospital.

After flying in from her home in Los Angeles Catherine Zeta Jones said, “I’m very proud to be Welsh, but concerned that we don’t have a children’s hospital.”

She admitted she was a bit out of shape after her energetic role in the musical Chicago. She said, “Since I finished that I haven’t even touched my toes. I was so bored doing all that workingout stuff.”

“It’s amazing to see how the cause has progressed and people have been amazingly generous” CHARLOTTE CHURCH Ian Botham meanwhile said he was astounded by the “mind-blowing” generosity of

A FIRST year Cardiff student has won a house rent free for the year in Virgin’s The Big Red House competition.

Jess Baker who studies applied psychology discovered she had won the competition from an answer phone message, which left her in a state of complete happiness.

She spoke to Gair Rhydd saying, “It is absolutely brilliant and such an immense relief”.

The contract for the house was signed initially like all other student’s houses.

However, this week Jess and her four lucky friends are meeting with their landlord to enable Virgin to pay the rent for the academic year 2002/3.

Jess came fourth out of ten winners around the U.K, and all secure a rent free Big Red House, for themselves and three other housemates.

As Jess, however, has four other housemates they are all splitting the rent of the fifth

room.

Since discovering she is a winner she has decided to spend her summer holidays in Ecuador.

Had she not won the competition she explains, “There would have been no way I could have gone on such a holiday”.

Despite all this success Jess has not let it go to her head and has pledged to donate part of her loan to Retinitis Pigmantosa Society, a charity who deal with suffers of the eye disease.

150,000 votes were finally cast on the Virgin Mobile Big Red House site with Jess received a whopping 17,863 votes on her photograph on the site.

The competition attracted 4,000 applicants, so Jess is incredibly fortunate to be one of the ten winners.

There were also ten runners up who received a deposit for their student house free, and all winners won a Virgin mobile.

Botham with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Charlotte Church

the Welsh people. When he started out from Machynlleth in Mid-Wales on April 19th their target for the walk was only £250,000.

Commenting on why he decided to join the appeal he said “My second grandchild was born in Wales and I didn’t know there wasn’t a children’s hospital here.

Wales is one of the most modern countries in Europe but it is still without this facility.”

Charlotte Church meanwhile claimed she has been supporting the charity for some time.

“It’s amazing to see how the cause has progressed and people have been amazingly generous.

“I like to support a lot of children’s charities because I feel that I can relate more to children. I think adults’ charities feel a bit patronised by a 16-year-old helping them.”

Johnny good show James Bladon reports

Maurice in the condom shop

FROM MONDAY 6th May lovers in Britain will be cocka-hoop as the country enters National Condom Week.

The week was designated to raise awareness in to sexual health issues and is being supported by a specialist condom shop in the centre of Cardiff.

Maurice Richardson of Johnnies Condom Store welcomed National Condom Week and said “Anything to raise awareness in to sexual health issues is bound to be a good thing.

We will be displaying posters and banners to

promote the event and of course offer our usual 10% discount to students” Johnnies, located in the Castle Arcade, has been open for two years and is the only specialist condom store in Wales.

Mr Richardson explained, “The idea of the shop was to let people shop for condoms in a fun environment. What we have tried to do is bring seaside humour up to date.”

One of the most popular aspects of the store is the sweet style ‘pick and mix condoms’, where customers can buy assorted colours and flavours of condoms at prices competitive with high street

stores.

Condoms cost on average three times more in Britain than in other countries, which may in some small part be responsible for Wales having the highest rate of teenage STI’s and pregnancy in the whole of Europe.

Johnnies however does not eliminate all the problems associated with the buying of contraceptives, as it is still possible to go in to buy a condom and come out with a toothbrush instead.

Mr Richardson explained “The only difference in our shop is that our toothbrushes have a penis on the end.”

News 3

Student victim of knife attack Lydia Kirby reports

Justin, victim of the attack

A CARDIFF student was held at knife-point by two youths and forced to hand over his valuables in a terrifying attack.

Justin Gyphion had just left his house in Plas Newydd St, Roath, last Wednesday night when two men pushed him into a wall and pressed a penknife against his stomach.

Justin said “They told me not to mess around and to hand over my wallet.”

“I could feel the point of the knife on my stomach and so handed over my wallet straightaway.”

Justin continued, “They then told me to hand over my watch and tried to pull my ring off my finger but it wouldn’t come off.

As soon as I’d given them my wallet and watch they ran off.”

The third year Law student was left shocked and shaken by the attack.

“I did think about fighting back but remembered my stepfather, who is a policeman, who once got a fractured skull by trying to protect someone and knew it was safer to do what they said.”

Justin returned home immediately and contacted the police who arrived at his house within minutes.

“I was able to give them a good description of the two men, especially of the one holding the knife.” Justin said.

Student liasion officer, PC Keohane, has warned students to avoid walking alone and to stick to main roads if possible.

“These sorts of attacks aren’t a major problem in Cardiff compared to other cities but there are things students can do to avoid becoming victims of crime. Use transport such as taxis where possible and avoid walking down quiet roads alone.’

He added, “In cases such as this where weapons are used never try to fight back.”

The two attackers are described as Asian and between 20-22 years old. The one holding the knife was around 6ft, of slim build and with a goatee. He was wearing a red baseball hat, a white jacket and jeans at the time. His accomplice was slightly shorter and wearing dark clothes and a baseball cap. Anyone with information is advised to contact Cardiff police on 029 2022 2111.

News 4

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 6th MAY 2002

Robo-rat to the rescue

The Week In Print

Police chiefs back softer line on drugs Mark Cobley reports THE WAR on drugs would be easier to fight if addicts were treated, not punished, say Police Chiefs.

The Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) has revealed the proposal in a new report produced by their influential drugs committee.

The report also states the ACPO’s belief that a more relaxed attitude should be adopted towards offenders caught with a small amount of cannabis.

Commander Andy Hayman, chairman of the ACPO’s drugs committee, said, “It’s predominantly a health issue so what we’re saying is that we should be matching the health issue with the health option.

“Rather than just putting

people through the courts, surely it’s sensible to try and put them into treatment and try and treat their habit.”

Drugs groups have welcomed the proposals.

Roger Howard, Chief Executive of Drugscope, a drugs police research body, said “We strongly support efforts to get drugs users quickly into treatment rather than using a prosecution and pressing criminal charges.”

The Home Office has promised to consider the proposals. However, some politicians are fierce critics of the idea of ‘going soft’.

Ann Widdecombe, the Conservative former Shadow Home Secretary described the move as “the policy of surrender” and advocated tougher application of the law.

David Lindsell reports

Cannabis: The police want a more relaxed approach

“Unless you send out a message, not only that there is a law, but also that it will be enforced with extra manpower and dedicated resources, then the present law won’t work,” she said.

The new proposals follow a trial policy of cannabis quasidecriminalisation in Lambeth, South London.

A ‘softly, softly’ approach to the drug has been taken there under the leadership of the controversial Commander Brian Paddick.

John Owen Jones, MP for

Award makes an ass of Charlotte David Lindsell reports THE HIGHLY regarded “Rear of the Year” competition was brought into dispute this year as paedophilia went mainstream.

Popular Welsh star Charlotte Church won the award, voted for by the respectable general public, despite being fifteen for most of the year – below the legal age of consent.

Church, following in the footsteps of past winners TV presenter Carol Smillie and Brookie’s Claire Sweeney, was flattered by the dubious honour and attempted to justify it’s morally questionable nomination.

“I think I’m allowed to get awards like this now. When I was 15 it would have been sick”.

Moral campaigners, were outraged that Charlotte, who turned sixteen in February, should be selected and voted for by a public supposedly against all forms of child sex.

Her recent media exposure on every politician’s favourite panel show, Have I Got News For You, was cited as a possible reason for her nomination.

Male “Rear of the Year”

Cardiff Central, is at the forefront of parliamentary efforts to completely decriminalise the drug.

He commented, “The drugs policy operated in Lambeth has reduced crime in the area by 34%. Decriminalisation of cannabis is clearly the way forward.”

However, the report stops short of recommending decriminalisation, and Chief Constables also remain opposed to the proposed downgrading of Ecstasy from class A to class B.

SCIENTISTS IN America have unveiled what could be the latest defence in the war against terrorism: the rat-bot.

Researchers at the State University of New York claim to be ready to unleash an army of rodents able to run, climb and jump around a battlefield or search for victims of earthquakes.

Dr Sanjiv Talwar, explained “It is a hard problem simply trying to make a robot move properly over unpredictable terrain. It would be a simple matter to train rescue rats to recognise and hone in on the smell of a human trapped under rubble.”

It is anticipated that miniature cameras mounted on the heads of the rodents

could be used to explore areas in-accessible to humans or sniffer dogs.

Implants mimicking the whisker sensations have been buried in the brains of the mice and used to provide pleasure and pain to the animals.

The electrodes can then be manipulated from a laptop computer up to 500 metres away (1640 feet) and used to guide the mice around mazes, up ladders, along ledges and down stairs.

The mice can be guided for up to an hour by a human operator and could be used by the US military to destroy mines as well as drag survivors from destroyed buildings. Talwar admitted, however that “the idea is kind of creepy.”

Robo Rat: Rodent pests could be put to use

TAI I’W RHENTU

HOUSES TO RENT Pinnacle is run by ex students of Cardiff University. We are a member of ALMA, The Association of Letting and Management Agents. This means that we are recognised by Cardiff City Council and the Students’ Union for giving a PROFESSIONAL PROPERTY LETTING SERVICE. We also are happy to provide free, independent advice on all aspects of property rental, including legal problems. You don’t have to be one of our customers to get this advice, just drop in and we’ll be happy to help.

A SELECTION OF PROPERTIES AVAILABLE FROM 1ST JULY 2002 4 BEDROOMS Heathfield Road £200 Gelligaer Street £195 Flora Street £225 Dalton Street £225 5 BEDROOMS Malefant Street £195 Soberton Ave £195 6 BEDROOMS Merthyr Street £195 All prices are per person per month

Charlotte reveals her award winning bottom

winner, Coronation Street’s Scott Wright, 27, added to the furore by admitting his own predelecations, “I would love to meet Charlotte – if anyone would give me her phone

number.”

It is unknown whether the Corrie star, known as ‘The Python’ has succeeded in meeting up with the teen singer.

PINNACLE PROPERTY (CARDIFF) LTD 3-5 FANNY STREET (off Cathays Terrace) CATHAYS CARDIFF Phone: 029 2064 0200 Fax: 029 2039 8318 Email: info@pinnacle-group.com

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Programme until Thursday 9th May. Please ring the information line for this weekend’s listings.

I AM SAM (12) ADVANCE SCREENINGS THURS ONLY 8.00 SHOWTIME (12) 11.20 1.40 4.00 6.25 9.00 Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.30 THE WARRIOR (12) 11.40 1.45 4.10 6.30 8.50 Late night show - Fri & sat Only 10.30 BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM (12) 11.30 - daily except Thurs 12.30 2.10 3.30 6.15 8.00 9.00 - Daily 5.00 - Daily except Tues BLADE 2 (18) 11.50 3.15 - Daily except Sat, Sun & Mon 6.15 9.10 - Daily except Wed & Thu Late night show - Fri & sat Only 11.50 ROADKILL (12) 11.10 1.20 3.40 6.30 9.10 Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.40 ICE AGE (U) Showing Sat, Sun & Mon Only 11.30 1.30 3.45 UGC KIDS Saturday Morning Only £1.50 per Ticket HARRY POTTER & THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE ( PG) Starts 10.00 Ends 12.35

STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES (cert tbc) Opens Thursday 16th May Book your tickets now!

Thurs, Fri Sat 10.00 11.00 12.00 1.00 2.00 3.15 4.15 5.15 6.30 7.30 8.30 9.45 Sunday 10.00 11.00 12.00 1.00 2.00 3.15 4.15 5.15 6.30 7.30 8.30 Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu 11.00 1.00 1.30 2.00 4.15 4.45 5.15 7.30 8.00 8.30 Late Shows - Fri & Sat Only 10.45 11.45 THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO (PG) 11.30 - daily except Sat 2.30 5.20 8.20 - Daily Late Shows - Fri & Sat Only 11.30 ALI G INDA HOUSE (15) 11.30 - daily except Sat, Sun & Mon 1.30 - Daily except Sat, Sun, Mon & Wed 4.45 - Daily Except Sat, Sun, Mon & Tue 7.00 - Daily except Tuesday 9.20 - Daily Lat Shows - Fri & sat Only 11.30

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JIMMY NEUTRON (U) Showing Sat, Sun & Mon Only 11.00 1.00 3.00

RETURN TO NEVERLAND (U) Showing Sat, Sun & Mon Only 11.00 12.50 2.40 4.30

CROSS ROADS (PG) Showing Sat, Sun & Mon Only 11.50 2.30 4.50

24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE (18) Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.00

SENIOR CITIZEN’S CLUB Thursday Morning £1.70 per Ticket THE PELICAN BRIEF Starts 11.00

GAIR RHYDD FILM CLUB Wednesday Only £2.00 per Ticket OH BROTHER WHERE ART THOU Starts 2.00

blagging

Competitions ● 06

gairrhydd, Monday 06 May 2002

The ultimate in...

THIS WEEK: YOUNG GIRLS AND RANDOM SENSELESS RUTTING

Miracle Clap-b-gone opportunity The Winners Circle Check the lists below and if your name appears, you’ve won a prize!

Hurray!

Johnnies willyshaped candle mould No respect AT ALL to...

Cerith Spooner who has refused to send us a photo of the candle shaped like his willy. Is this because he has no willy? I think it may well be.

D

on’t you hate it when your night out turns into a fortnight in? You’re dolled up in a classy sequinned boob tube or shiny ‘retro’ shirt if you’re a man, you’re lashed on vodka and orange juice straight from the carton in your kitchen, and your mates are providing much needed support as you totter down St. Marys Street to start the weekend the only way you know how: lager, vomit and sex with strangers.

For many unfortunates, this

glamourous fairytale too often ends in tragedy. That romantic tryst with a Finnish mechanic in the gutter of Chip Alley leaves you with sparkling memories of whitehot passion and an industrialgrade dose of the clap. What to do? Nothing, that’s what. Sit crying softly while your genitals decay into a festering stream of oomsca which drips down the leg of your tracksuit leaving you as asexual as a Ken doll. A FREAK Ken doll. A Ken doll that no-one will want to play with.

Me like Freak

Come and collect your prizes from the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Union Building.

This goes for all past winners. If you’ve won a BT phone or a Rock Sound goodie bag... come and get them! They’re cluttering up our usually very tidy office.

gairrhydd Drop your answers in to the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or you can send them to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Alternatively, e-mail your answers and contact details to: gair_rhydd@ hotmail.com Win this stuff or I’ll give it to the poor.

L

ook at her! There’s a new Sugababe! It’s the blonde one on the right. What do you think? I never saw the one she replaced so I can’t really offer an opinion. My favourite is the black one anyway: she’s showing more boobie. Terrific.

Music desk says that their new single is ‘high on funky vibes and dark, smouldering ambiguity’. This sounds quite a lot like Blagging so I’m all for it.

Frequent readers will know that I have the music knowledge of a housefly and am as such swayed by whatever I read in the paper or hear from other people. Judge them for yourself. Win the single.

We have a signed copy of ‘Freak Like Me’, a signed poster and a signed photograph to give away in one bumper prize. If this sounds like your bag, answer the question and win the prize, sucka.

Win signed Sugababes stuff Which pop group did the new Sugababe formerly belong to?

A: B: C:

Atomic Kitten The Beatles The Beatles on Ice

You guys slay me, you really do.

Thank God for condoms, then.

As well as making amusing hats, these greasy balloons of fun can also be used to stop that onenight lovefest from developing into a lifelong groin-ache. It’s like proper sex but without the crippling disease element.

Durex have formulated a ‘get-iton’ kit which will allow people who like sex to enjoy their hobby without fear of catching STDs like jaundice and bum-ache. The kit contains a talking mirror, a card with chat up lines and text

message ideas, a lucky dice, a key ring recorder, a hot heart, bag and four packs of three Durex condoms.

Win a Durex pulling kit Is chlamydia really a silent killer?

A: Yes, it is God’s punishment B: No, of course it isn’t C: No, don’t be so stupid Expect heated debate on this one

gairrhydd, Monday 6th May 2002

Letter of the Week The author of this week’s Letter of the Week wins a whole lotta lovin’.

Dear Gair Rhydd, Actually this is addressed to 'ME' (Letter of the week, GR 719).

What is your problem? What gives you the right to universally slate all of the clubs and societies in the Union? If anything, your letter shows nothing other than a complete lack of understanding of anything to do with the Union and our role in it. And the fact is that you haven't got the mental capacity to put a point across without swearing every other word (it doesn't make you sound cool you know).

Firstly, where did you get the idea that we were all complaining about going to the AGM? I was in the societies council meetings leading up to the event. I spoke to a lot of other exec members of societies and I didn't hear any of this complaining that you're going on about. Most people didn't have a problem with going at all.

Secondly how do you know we wouldn't have turned up anyway?

Despite what you think, in previous years the Union has not advertised the AGM well at all. It was only this year that people actually knew there was one going on before it actually took place.

The most annoying thing though was when you degenerated into a hysterical rant towards the end of the letter about us thinking 'the Union and world owed us a living'. Saying we don't 'give a shit about the Union'. Were you just running out of things to say and putting anything down? We do actually give a shit about the Union, and this is reflected by the effort we put into running our organisations (it is hard work). The amount and diversity of clubs and societies in the Union is one of the biggest attractions to prospective students (it's one of the reasons I came), and they also mean that lots of people get involved in the Union through them and make loads more friends as well.

So where do you get off slating us when we perform such a vital role in Union life? It's actually offensive after we've all put so much hard work in to have one small minded and ignorant person tell us that we're scum and a detriment to the Union. Before you have a go at people, make sure you've got your facts straight. And lastly, you talk about us being cowards and then don't even have the nerve to put your name on your letter? And then you actually boast about it? Grow up!

Jamie Robson, Ex-Psychology Society President

One Great Big Balls-Up Dear Gair Rhydd, Like many students, I look forward to the summer ball every year, and this year especially, since many of my friends are graduating,

and its the last time we'll all be together. Naturally, we all ran to the box office to secure a ticket, which as you know cost us £28.

So what are we actually getting for our £28? I went to the ball in Cooper's Field two years ago, which had two massive arenas, a food tent, and a 'chillout tent'. The line-up was massive, with loads of

'top class' acts including cast, some r'n'b girl band I can't remember!, Jeremy Healy, Artful Dodger and Aphrodite to name a few. It was a top night, apart from the fact it rained (a LOT), and the ground became a bog, ruining peoples suits and dresses. Obviously that wasn't the fault of the organisers, who put so much effort into the night. It was still worth the price, plus drinks prices were at UNION prices (wahoo). That was a PROPER ball.

This year however, the Union advertise the ball having not even mentioned who the fuck is playing! Only after they've whipped up a frenzy and got everyone to buy tickets do they announce that we get Atomic Kitten and Trevor Nelson, and Wheatus. But let's remember, this is a FUCKING ball. Do you really think people are going to 'mosh' and 'crowd surf' in a ball gown/suit? NO they're not. We could go to Fun Factory for that.

The ball is in the CIA too, where there's only one room, and drinks are ALL at their stupidly inflated prices.

And who the hell wants magicians and fire-eaters pulling on their arm when you've just waited for 30 minutes to get a drink? NO-ONE. You could walk down Queen Street and see street entertainers. We go to reputable events such as this to get away from these kind of people. They belong at children's parties.

OK, call me a hypocrite, since I have parted with £28 for a ticket.

But the point I'm trying to make is that the Union exec seem to rely on promoting the actual 'occasion', as opposed to the 'event'. They think that people will go whoever is appearing there, which granted, is probably true, but please give us something for our money. Don't spend £5,000 on 'big' pop bands that'll perform one song early on in the evening, and then bugger off.

There's LOADS of good acts at a tenth of that cost, who are loads better, and better suited to a BALL; like a jazz band (The H20 ball had one, and it rocked). Why not get some Cardiff uni bands/ DJs involved too? Then you could

charge at least a tenner less for the ball.

Sort it out!!

Regards Chris Ockup Lettersdesk says: Thank you for that rant, Mr. Ockup (oh, my splitting sides). You will be pleased to note that “the Kitten”, as they are affectionately known, have now dropped out leaving good old Trev to hold the fort along with those irritating cry-babies from Wheatus.

I am, however, in a position to tell you that the Union are hoping to secure another big-name act as we speak. I’m not, however, in a position to tell you who it is. Watch this space. Or the front page, if you prefer.

Thieving Scumbags Dear Gair Rhydd, With it being the end of my final year at Cardiff Uni, I have done what any sensible student would do – left all my coursework until the last minute. This means I have spent a VAST amount of time in the Main Building computer room. To help get me through this I listen to CDs on the computers – and I'm even nice enough to make sure it isn't so loud that the whole room can listen to the tinny drone from my headphones (other users please take note). Anyhow, it just so happened that one of my CDs managed to leave itself accidentally in the computer as I retired home to bed one night...

Oh sod it – give my f'ing Matrix soundtrack back now you tosser – yes, you – you know who you are.

All you have to do is place it in the 'M' space in the Biology Final Year pigeon-holes in Main Building.

Thank you.

Oh yes, and does anyone else think that guinea pigs are, by definition, supposed to be experimented on?!

Morpheus Lettersdesk says: Sadly, Morphy,

Letters ● 7 your loss is far from an isolated incident. There would appear to be a whole army of thieving runts waiting around every corner of this University, looking for the chance to have your stuff away.

Tossers. And could every please stop winding up those animal rights types?…

Blood-Sport Banter Dear Gair Rhydd, In my 3 years at Uni I’ve always read the letters page with the thought that most of them are light-hearted even when hurling abuse. But Andy ("Cunning as a Fox", GR719) really pissed me off.

Fox hunting is a tradition in this country, that doesn’t make it right or stop it being a barbaric act of cruelty performed by insecure people with the need to hurt animals to make themselves feel big. One point I agree with him on though is that its no worse than cock fighting or bear baiting (they are both pointless and cruel).

Animals have as much right as us on this planet and to say we are better just shows how small minded you are. To top it all off you say that people against it are wimps and you`re not a man until you`ve been in a fight. The bigger man always walks away from a fight. Violence solves nothing. As a martial artist I find your mentality laughable.

In summary: BAN FOX HUNTING. ANDY GROW UP. Craig Gingell Lettersdesk says: I’m not sure "Andy" was entirely serious in his whole-hearted enthusiasm for all things bloody. That’s not to say you are wrong in instructing him to grow up. He annoyed me too if its any consolation. Maybe the two of you should get together and sort out your differences the old-fashioned way. But you’d probably just walk away, wouldn’t you Craig. Wimp.

Please send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Crossword

The GR Crossword. Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, OK I’m bored.

ACROSS: 7. More than a trot, less than a gallop (6) 8. Reel up again (6) 9. Take advantage of (3) 10. Pig’s shrill cry (6) 11. Preserved fermented grass used as animal fodder (6) 12. Word of consent (3) 14. On edge (5) 17. Gemstone or girl’s name (5) 19. Cutting instrument (5) 20. Stout single-edged cavalry sword (5) 23. Sticky mess (5) 26. Cooking utensil (3) 28. Social standing (6) 29. Barked shrilly (6) 30. Upper limb (3) 31. Full of cheerful good humour (6) 32. Equivalence (6) DOWN: 1. Olden- day helmet (6)

2.Emphasise (6) 3. Really (5) 4. Salad vegetable (5) 5. Number of members of a jury (6) 6. Comfortably (6) 13. Miss Doolittle in My Fair Lady (5) 15. Person of wealth or social distinction (col) (3) 16. ______ out, make last (3) 17. Ask for alms (3) 18. Stand for office (3) 21. Deed (6) 22. Keep (6) 24. Official ruling the playing of the game (6) 25. Poor area inhabited by one particular group (6) 26. Song of praise (5) 27. Woodland sprite (5) Get your answers to the gair rhydd office before Wednesday and the winner will be announced in the next issue. 719’s winner was Daniel Keel. Super.

716’s solution: ACROSS: 1.Sentimental; 9.Lucky; 10.Raccoon; 11.Biretta; 12.Ester; 13.Steer; 15.Broth; 20.Orlop; 22.Android; 24.Through; 25.Noose; 26.

Conditioner DOWN: 2.Excerpt; 3.Tryst; 4.Myriad; 5.Nuclear; 6.Afoot; 7.Glebe; 8.Snare; 14.Expound; 16.Twosome; 17.Youth; 18.Cachet; 19.Adder; 21.Largo; 23.Dingo.

Name:_______________________ Email:________________________ Now that the magic is gone . . . . . _____________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________

This week’s winner wins a meal for two at Chillies Restaurant and Takeaway

8 ● Classifieds

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

●

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

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25 pence per bold word

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30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE

Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

gairrhydd, Monday 6 May 2002

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons 2-5pm.

Contact Cerith Spooner on SpoonerC1@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Wednesday afternoons.

Contact Minelle Gholami on GholamiM1@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Monday 2-4pm. Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Monday and Wednesday afternoons. Contact Sally Cameron Griffiths on Cameron-Griffiths @Cardiff.ac.uk.

LGB OFFICER: Wednesday afternoons 2-5pm, Wednesday afternoons. Contact James Knight on KnightJ2@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Prab Ramkumar on RamkumarP1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER:Wednesdays 10aam-1pm in the TV lounge on the 3rd Floor. Contact Gareth Hiscocks on HiscocksG@Cardiff.ac.uk.

XPRESS STATION MANAGER: Contact Emma Gait-Carr on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

PERSONAL Every night between 8pm and 8am nightline is just a local telephone call or a short walk away.

Here to listen.

Here for you.

Tel: 2038 2141 Drop-in: 148 Column Rd. Want to talk about sexuality? Or do you want information about lesbian, gay or bisexual issues? No hassle, no pressure, just a friendly ear. Ring the LGB PHONELINE on 029 2039 8903, Monday, 7.00pm-9.00pm BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT GROUP Open to anyone who has suffered a loss.

First meeting on 3pm Wednesday 8th May 2002 facilitated by Barbara Fairfax.

Contact the Dean of Students office on 029 20 874966.

ACCOMMODATION

To LET: Blackweir Terrace. Three bedrooms with shared facilities. All mod cons inc. Gas central Heating. £35p.p.p.w. Contact John on 029 20 372400 or 07973 628648.

Happy Birthday Mingbeast.

May the fourth be fun for all.

Love you, Mings 2,3,4.

That’s fine.

To What Degree?

Due to client demands, we are to expand nationally within the next six months. This calls for more people in trainee management roles in sales and marketing.

Experience/Qualifications are not necessary, as full training from the ground level will be given.

For more career-minded individuals we offer progression into full management.

CALL John: 029 2022 7004

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with ‘an hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

GAMES Plumbing the depths with Mario on GBA

FILM Sex and the Single Man

MUSIC review the original Pop Idles

We love them yeah, yeah, yeah...

Music introduce their new favourite band Inside: Get There! The ultimate guide to Cardiff and beyond!

Contents

02. Get There

Newly interactive and more pointless than ever: it can only be Get There!

04. Books

This week books provides a travel special with two guides to gap years for the daring amongst you.

05. Arts

Arts preview the latest art installations to hit the streets of Cardiff.

06. Games

Games solve all your financial problems and review the games consoles that the manufacturers are trying to entice you to buy.

08. Music

Music review the latest New York sensations The Yeah Yeah Yeah’s and get young and angry with Idlewild.

10. Film

Film give you the lowdown on the latest film club offering, and looks at the latest blank cheque to be given to Nick Hornby.

15. TV Guide Far funnier than it has any right to be- it’s the Gair Rhydd TV guide!

GRiP Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Mike Parsons Arts Lizzie Brown and LaDonna Hall Books D.C. Gates Film Neil Blain Games Chris Faires Music Gemma Curtis, Andy Parsons and Gemma Jones Get There Neil Krajewski TV Listings Nick McDonald, Steve Hurst and Alex Macpherson GRiP needs your help! We are overworked and losing our minds.

Visit our media penthouse on the 4th floor of the Union or • E-mail ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk

02

Get There

et There enters the final straight. Anyone hoping for a final burst of energy should wait a few weeks though as, once again, G Get There remains the only page that looks the same every week but is in fact different! This week, we review absolutely nothing and interview no-one. It’s all about dates in out little world and we’re all the better for it. Remember, gang: Get Hip - Get There!

The temptation to name a hundred things you shouldn’t be doing has been hard to resist. Therefore, Get There, being tied to tradition, but not the 90’s, suggests how you can exploit the transforming potential that lays dormant in the concept of ‘Going Out’

Union Monday 06/05

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

What exactly are you here to be ‘guided’ through?

Why not visit bookmakers and enquire as to how you might establish a spread betting service. Once established you and your friends can remain sober and count the number of occasions the phrase ‘the last time’ is used. Make money while you watch others spend it!

Tuesday 07/05

Candy @ Solus Postponed for this term, but set to return in September.

Wednesday 08/05 Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

Noted absence of activity on Union steps suggests attendances are falling. The Union’s solution: buy one Lash ticket and get a Jive one free! Inspiration of the highest order achieved without the acquiring the burden of an unpredicatble music policy.

Splendid! Economic analysis plotting the value of the lack of time spent queuing and drinks prices against the virtues of potentially free admission are welcome.

Thursday 09/05

Eighties Night @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

The fun continues as people try to spend everyday they have left before the exams in the Union. The musical accompaniments are a rather pleasant distraction too. In a new game spot how many tracks, ala Sugababes, steal explicitly from the era.

Alternatively, decide which would be the people’s choice for Thatcher’s funeral. ‘Going Underground’ anyone?

Friday 10/05

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

Now the weather has warmed up perhaps this night is set to compete with student barbecues, but I doubt it. You should of course be at home listening to Xpress though!

Saturday 11/05

Flirt @ Solus 9pm - 1am, free In a gesture to reward your loyalty, the Union offers you the chance to spend another craazy night in the presence of a host of ‘Dance anthems’.

Sunday 12/05

Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, £1 Laid back sounds, wine and food. Decide on their order of importance for yourselves.

Clubbing Monday 06/05

Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’Bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings.

Happy Mondays @ Barfly Sounds like a cash-in off the back of 24 Hour Party people to me, but you could always go and find out.

Salsa Lessons @ Bar Med Probably an inferior version of that hosted by Bar Cuba, but probably worth a look.

Guru Vibrations @ Berlins 9pm-2am. Soul, funk, hip-hop and, er, 80’s. NUS only. Why bother?

One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba

9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

MAD @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. Rated Cardiff’s best by Zeus, you only need stand outside and look what’s next door to find out why.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight.

Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Retro Night @ The Roxy Free entry. Retro music played in a club, one presumes. Oh, the joys of blatant sarcasm!

Tuesday 07/05

Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in! Tonight featuring DJ Mass.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Hoochy Koochy @ The Emporium 9pm-2am, £1 b4 10pm/£2. Student madness, courtesy of the amusingly named Jockstrap 5.

Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Bonk @ Zeus 9pm, £3 Teens, tunes and terror. Oh the joys of subtlety.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thunk it?!?

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm, I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Karaoke @ Reds If you must, I’ll not hold you back, but don’t expect me to join you unless you’re offering a duet. Shall I be your George, your Kiki or your Elton?

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe.

Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

Bar 150 @ Bar Med Everything £1.50 all night. Beware that this fact alone might not justify the name magnificent.

Wednesday 08/05

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffer, but highly unlikely.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings.

Shooters and Slammers Party Night @ Bar Med Theme night, where you get to shoot the retarded fuck-wits that drink here with a large gun, then slam their heads repeatedly into the bar. Maybe.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out.

Down to It @ Berlins 9pm-2am. I’d rather not, thanks. Ever.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle.

Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80’s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott!

Is it Chilled? @ Is it? Cafe. Bar. Place.

If your week has brought you down to the depths, perhaps you’ll end up here to sink down still further.

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

Wipeout @ Reds Meet UWIC students at their own night and steal secrets that could potentially accelerate the demise of the University of Wales.

Handbag 120 @ Zeus 9pm-2am. Utterly evil with garage and r’n’b.

Thursday 09/05

Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late night bar and drinks offers.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

Big In Japan @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. The coolest Japanese thing this side of Banzai. Cracking tunes, cool clientelle and a permanent in Clwb Ifor. Corking night all round.

Plush @ Emporium £3 /£2. Anything with a groove, says the press release, and they’re not far wrong. Sexy, sassy and really too good for a Thursday, Plush truly is a top night for those who like their R ‘n’ B, garage and house slinky and sexy. Of course, if you’re a big Sisters of Mercy fan, you should give it a miss.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Soul Power @ Liquid 9pm-2am. Soul and R & B, with Trevor Nelson every other week. A more extensive, and far less effective, version of Plush.

Higher Learning @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hip-hopping and funky nature. Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Cabaret @ Minsky’s Show Bar Cabaret is the order of the day, usually courtesy of camp men dressed as women. Great fun, actually.

You probably won’t be surprised to learn that Noel ‘All Man’ Sullivan of Hear’Say used to work here.

Nudge nudge, wink wink etc..

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry.

Aspire @ Reds 9pm-2am. Great.

Alternative Student Night @ The Roxy 10pm-2am. Another night clinging on to the word ‘alternative’, as if it makes any piss poor cobbled together event worth a look. It doesn’t. As The Strokes sort of said, This Is Shit.

Friday 11/05

Cool House@ Emporium 10pm, £8 The perfect comedown after quarter of an hour wasted on a sunbed. Featuring Matt Ceseli, Damon Williams and Dave Mills.

Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8 Shy FX remind people that they are the people behind the rather ace ‘Shake ur Body’ by probably playing the tunes that inspired that and those that look to inspire future projects.

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Want your club night or event to be listed in the legendary Get There section? Then email us at SSUGR1@Cardiff.ac.uk including the date, time, price of your event, including any drinks promotions and we’ll include you on the page.

03

Get There

Miyagi Moog Fujiya & Miyagi + The Error Plains + Kilo C

Thursday 9th May @ Clwb Ifor Bach, 9pm £4 The time has come to acknowledge Bridging the Gap’s contribution to weekday nights in Cardiff. Supporters of the burgeoning interest in electronica and post-rock, tonight should, once again, be tremendous. Hailing from Brighton, the headliners promise vocal led electronica drawing upon everyone from Tortoise to the Can. Previous appearances alongside Chicks on Speed and Hood promise much excitement. Support includes a contribution from ex Martini Henry Rifles member and the typically eclectic array of beats and fragments of melody from Monkey Tennis Djs and Kilo C. Forward Motion @ Moloko Cardiff’s underground comes together for those who can’t afford Emporium or Clwb.

Chaos @ Metros 9pm -3am, £4 DJ Hwyel offers a selection of tunes in an alternative vain.

Drinks 4 FREE @ Liquid 9.30pm, £5 entry with 4 free drinks as a bonus if you arrive before 11pm. You’ll have to be over 20 though; who knows what that drink might do you otherwise.

US Garage @ The End...

8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin. Great.

Heaven @ Evolution 9pm-2.30am. £10. Brash and brassy hard house night, with a liberal sprinkling of? Its not a sodding wrestling match, people, its a frigging disco!

Exit Club 8pm, free entry before 9.30pm. Gay Venue.

Commercial chart and dance. Again! PLAY SOME DIFFERENT SODDING MUSIC! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Get Down and Groove @ Flares

Til 2am. Funky disco says the press release. A bit crap says Get There. You decide.

Mellow Mellow @ Metropolis Not the same as Metros; no this, is Metropolis where tonight Andy Loveless continues to move his mobile entertainment installation around the city. Is his name related to the My Bloody Valentine classic? Meet him and find out.

ROAR @ Vision 2K Four simple steps: remove papers from your Gair Rhydd archive; write down the names of DJs who’ve played at ROAR this year; place names in hat; choose three - hoorah you’ve confirmed this week’s line up! If you miss out tonight you can probably go and see the same men and women play Neath in a few weeks time.

Heavy Metal @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Unsurprisingly, heavy metal. Actually very good at what it does, though.

Saturday 10/05

Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of

contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deliciously Wicked @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Repulsively awful would be a more accurate description.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

The Big Party @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. The party sounds like a great idea.

Sadly,it’s in Dylan’s.

Funky Techno @ The End...

8pm-11pm, with One Mission DJ’s. At last! A night a decent night at The End. The ever reliable One Mission crew do what they do best – make people smile and dance!

Skool Disco Party @ Philarmonic 9.30pm -2am The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Weekend Madness @ Bar Cuba 10pm-2am. £2/£4. DJ Andy Loveless.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Glam Night @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Expect an orgy of all things glam.

Apart from Gary Glitter, of course. And Jonathan King.

Or that bloke from Slade...

Desire @ Zeus 9pm-3am. A night so unimaginably bad, I refuse to waste a witty comment on it.

Deep Heat @ Club X Dance and Funky house Worldwide Special @ Liquid Can you resist.

Sunday 11/05

Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs.

Live Music The capital burst back into action with some arena action and the traditional round of Barfly action. Plan ahead thanks to the Coming Up section

Monday 06/05

Headtest + Talkshow + Jarcrew @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £3 Alternative pop sounds from experienced local acts.

So famous that a friend asked the other day, ‘is that the Talkshow?’ You know where to go.

Meal Deal McCoys Crisps Bottle of Coke Fanta or Lilt Sutherland Sandwiches triple pack

All £2.50

Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk

www.cardiffstudents.com

Tuesday 07/05

Lach + JT Mouse 7.30pm, £5 Like Toby Jepson before him Lach feels lonely if his name appears without a suffix. Whereas the former used the specific ‘ex Little Angels’, Lach opts for ‘Godfather of the Anti-Folk Scene USA’. I remain uncertain about the value of either, but suspect that this movement of which Lach is the godfather may be about to crossover. Don’t tell anyone I told you though.

Wednesday 08/05

Magnet + Brother Steve + Base Camp Five @ Barfly 7.30pm, £3

Thursday 09/05

Easyworld + The Moonies + TBC @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Listeners to Xpress will know these acts, but that's not exactly a recommendation. The Moonies offer a vaguely engaging pop-punk spectacular while Easyworld remain this year’s indie rock hopefuls destined to become the new band that force people to reveal the nuances of the very to ‘hear’; expect whispered statements of ‘I’ve heard of them, but not heard them.’

Fujiya and Miyagi + The Error Plains + Kilo C @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm -2am, £4 Bridging the Gap night. See above left.

Kelz + Breakneckz @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm Live hip-hop direct from the streets of Swansea and Bristol.

Friday 10/05

Number 1 Son + The Kennedy Soundtrack @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Newport nu-metal hopefuls support a band likely to be inferior to Number One Cup, 1997’s American equivalent of Easyworld.

Saturday 11/05

Manchild @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Taking place thanks to your help! Manchild emerge with the successful candidates drawn from the audition spectacular held in Buffers a few months ago! They came from Germany, they came from Ponty, but they ended up in Barfly. Distribute honours accordingly amongst the original member of the band.

The Vanities + The Loves + JT Mouse @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £5 Boobytrap singles launch for the Vanities who are joined by well known South Wales luminary. Another Clwb feast.

King Prawn + Knuckledust + Whitmore @ Newport TJs Ska-punk from South Wales regular.

Sunday 12/05

Goldblade @ Pulsars, Caerphilly Although I’ll admit I’ve never seen them live, something convinces me I would hire Goldblade to play at my wedding. Plans for that ceremony are far from complete, but attending functions like tonight might ensure they stay together long enough. Expect a barrage of disco punk if you find an appropriate bus route.

Opine + Wasted Youth @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £3 Hazy Sunday sessions type affair.

Acoustic Jam @ The Toucan Club 8pm, FREE. A chance for all budding songsters to get up and show off their wares, which is usually a good thing.

booksreviews

4

Please mind the gap No shit?

BEFORE YOU GO – THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO PLANNING YOUR GAP YEAR TOM GRIFFITHS

(Aspect Guides)

Y

OU MAY be of the opinion that there are two types of people that end up at university: those who’ve taken the much lauded, often derided ‘gap year’, and those who haven’t. You be may in the camp of the latter, tutting to yourself as you remember having to hear all the insanely exaggerated stories and look through the countless photos of friends who’d just returned from their round-the-world experience; friends who were still relishing the sweet taste of their first experience of independence but were soon to be hit by the debts they’d accumulated and the naggings of parents to sort their lives out and actually go to university.

I have to admit to being one of the very worst ‘gap year bores’. The words “When I was in Israel....” still

trip off my tongue with frightening regularity – and I came back from there nearly

smugness that only comes when you think you know all there is to know about getting

deal with parents (not as easy as it sounds), how to hitch-hike without getting yourself murdered The main thrust of the book is or bored, and how to cope with to encourage the first-time and traveller to actually go and do money finance issues. it – not just think about it He writes in an engaging and two years ago. So the around from place to place. chatty style, often repeating prospect of reading Before Not much to be smug about I points he feels are important You Go... by the intrepid and know. which can seem a bit street-wise Tom Griffiths was Nonetheless, what Griffiths repetitive at times. an opportunity not to be has done is provide the However, the main thrust missed. I fully expected to be prospective traveller with a of the book is to encourage either mildly amused by an huge amount of incredibly the first-time traveller to abundance of travelling useful advice, including how actually go and do it – not just cliches or filled with a to pack effectively, how to think about it. He truly believes that the time when we are students is the best for seeing as much of the world as possible. For anyone even considering taking off this summer, then this book is a must. Reading it from cover to cover will give you the urge to do the things you’ve always wanted to. Plus when you actually do them, you’ll have a vague clue how to go about it without getting yourself into stupid amounts of trouble.

Put it this way, I wish I’d read it before I’d gone gallavanting around the Middle East. Maybe some of my insanely exaggerated travelling stories might never have happened. But then again, what would I have to THE CITY: the ideal place, in my bore people with? opinion, for a gap year. God, I’m bitter LaDonna Hall

NO SHITTING IN THE TOILET

few laughs anyway, and any world-weary traveller will surely identify with the anecdotes about Peter Moore the ‘joys’ of worldly exploration.

(Bantam Books) Moore strikes gold with his LIKE A laugh? Love to travel? listings of the top ten best Well then you’ve come to the right embassies in the world and the place, just don’t crap in the bog, top ten unforgettable train okay? Comedy value aside, there journeys. He tells us of waking up to find Moore strikes gold himself with his listings of the covered in top ten best embassies the contents of in the world an overflowed really isn’t any advice of value to toilet, and he also tells us of the a traveller in this somewhat mean tricks he has played on cynical volume. But, then again, fellow travellers in his time. One that really isn’t the point. of the most amusing sections in The advice is all good for a the book recites his quite frankly embarrassing taste in music and the tunes he backpacks along to.

The key strength of No Shitting in the Toilet is the accessibility of the volume. One can open at any page they so desire and discover something of comic interest. Taking the form of a reference book is the key strength of this book, allowing the reader to pick it up and put it down whenever they feel like it. This one’s an essential for you CANNIBALS: await you, o travelling folk. gap year students Sam Brokenshawe

artsreviews

05

Hectic geometrics but maybe quite good fun as well, for the more technically in-advanced. Rather than questioning the laws of meta-science and probability, I’d probably just play with the computers.

Alongside this, there is a piece centred on the four-leaf clover, the internationally recognised symbol of luck, again a collaboration project by Yoke+Zoom. Statistics show that about 1 in 10,000 clover plants produce a fourth leaf, but Yoke+Zoom are defying nature by creating a unit that is capable of producing many more. Is it possible then to prove that clovers, the talismans of luck, can have an effect on future events? Take yourself down to g39 between now and the 31st May and work out the possibilities and probabilities for yourselves.

CRAIG WOOD: SHELF LIFE & DANNY ROLPH Gallery Oriel Chapter Arts, Canton until 16th June Vicky Isley and Paul Smith’s cryptic collaboration

CHRISTINA NUALART: INTRAVISION Atlantic Coffee, City Road IT’S GREAT to see local and unknown artists getting support, particularly in unusual places like cafes. Atlantic Coffee’s recent exhibition of Scott Clark’s work was a gair rhydd favourite. It’s no surprise, then, that they made sure we got our asses down there to the private view of Christina Nualart’s latest creations. Her work heads in three distinct directions: watercolours, etchings and travel-orientated pencil drawings, and everything is up for sale.

Nualart’s etchings incorporate photorayographic techniques. Photo-granny what?

Luckily Nualart herself was on hand to elaborate on the process. It involves laying objects on top of unexposed film, creating unusual effects.

Nualart then etches into the film. The finished results come in the form of black-and-white drawings of figures with textured backgrounds.

Her figures are clearly influenced by Henry Moore’s and Picasso’s curvy, twisty women.

Picasso’s influence crops up again in the watercolour paintings, which use expressive splashes of vibrant colour on figures similar to those in the etchings.

The handful of pencil drawings all relate to travel. They all feature a suitcase (or close-up details of one), and each has an arrow pointing in a random direction. They also have no

Get in on the act

The Sherman Theatre is currently building on its reputation as one of the leading theatres in Cardiff by offering students a chance to join their membership scheme. Every year a wide range of productions make their way onto its stages (it boasts three versatile performance spaces). It also tours extensively throughout the UK, introducing thousands of young people to the world of live theatre.

For £15 a year student members are given the opportunity to be an integral part of Cardiff’s only producing theatre. If you

backgrounds, suggesting the pure joy of travel, regardless of the destination. The drawings are soft, light and clean, with a breezy feel that I imagine will make them the first to be snapped up by buyers.

On the downside, there is little depth to much of the work on display. As coffee-shop decor and a small sale of work it is fine, but as Art it is not satisfying in itself. It’s not anything to make a special trip to see, but if you’re in the area it’s worth a look. Mat Croft

Art can now be about pot plants and prams, soap and soup, according to Craig Woods’ latest exhibition in the Oriel Gallery at Chapter. His humourous take on incorporating domestic objects into his work, including himself at one point, are on display as part of a shelf exhibit, and offers viewers a whole new idea of 21st century Welsh art. On broader terms, this exhibition also comes to question ideas from human mortality and relationships to science and consumerism.

Wood has exhibited across the UK and internationally, and has had solo exhibitions in

DAAD Gallery in Berlin and Chisenhale Gallery in London. It’s well worth a peep.

Danny Rolph uses oil on acrylic and other surfaces, with synthetic materials and plastic straws to express his idea of everyday-ness.

By layering his paint with plastic, Rolph evokes literal and pictoral illusions, creating a representation of 2D space. The bold strokes of paint are instantly appealing, taking on an almost hypnotic intensity. Rolph has done the rounds of galleries in London, from the OXO Tower to Paton Gallery, and internationally.

Here’s an interesting arty fact for you: Danny Rolph is the youngest painter to make it into New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art. Now you really can impress you friends.

Both exhibitions are accompanied by books and essays.

ONE ISLAND, MANY FAITHS BUTETOWN HISTORY AND ARTS CENTRE Until 28th July Hot on the heels of Bay People, the Butetown History and Arts Centre are showing another photo exhibition celebrating a multitude of faiths living in what was Tiger Bay. Each and everyone from Baptists, Catholics, Church-inWales, Greek Orthodox, Methodists, Muslims and Quakers to Salvation Army get a look in.

If the Bay People exhibition was anything to go by, this will be an interesting insight into the history of Cardiff Bay – it hasn’t always been swish hotels and waterside cafes.

POSSIBLE, NOT PROBABLE g39, Mill Lane until 31st May Possible, not probable: a suitably cryptic name for a suitably cryptic exhibition. Take one look at the photos here reproduced, and you can see what I mean. This covertly encrypted puzzle, a collaboration project by artists Vicky Isley and Paul Smith, depicts a sensitive American military installation based in the UK. The pixellated satellite image can be manipulated by viewers, and can be deciphered by moving the pieces into a gap in the right order, but as the squares are moved, the image breaks down and others can creep in. A probability rule can be applied to understand the pattern involved and subsequently the message sent.

Visitors can also re-arrange the sliding squares on a screen. All sounds scarily geeky,

WNO are back The Welsh National Opera are back at the New Theatre with three new offerings for your viewing pleasure: Rigoletto by Verdi will be performed on Thursday 9th, Tuesday 14 and Thursday 23rd May at 7.15pm, Cosi Fan Tutte by Mozart on Wednesday 15, Saturday 18 and Saturday 25th May at 7.15pm, and The Cunning Little Vixen by Janacek on Friday 24th May also at 7.15pm. Ring 029 2087 8889 for more info. choose to take them up on this fantastic offer you’ll be entitled to 10% off your tickets for the year, a free ticket for two productions of your choice (excluding opera), priority booking (so you can order your tickets before anyone else), advance information on all productions, a regular members newsletter, invites to the Member’s Christmas and Summer Parties and, most importantly, 10% off your drinks at the bar after the show!

For more information call the Sherman Theatre Box Office on 029 20 646900.

gamesreviews g

06

Super Mario fans go ballistic, sequel is atrocious SUPER MARIO ADVANCE 2: SUPER MARIO WORLD (GBA) Nintendo

N

OT AT all, of course, but when there’s a headline as good as that in the offing it’s just got to be used.

And yes, I’m feeling very smug that I thought of it. Possibly too smug, but who’s to say. Anyway, Mario’s second platform game on the GBA is yet another conversion of a SNES classic, this time Super Mario World.

The plot goes like this: INT. Plumbers den. Day LUIGI: Eh, Mario, where’s-a your girl?

MARIO: My Peach? She’s in the kitchen, awashing my dungarees.

LUIGI: Eh, she’s not-a in the kitchen.

MARIO: Not-a in the kitchen?

LUIGI: Not-a in the kitchen.

MARIO: Mamma Mia, stereotype maximo, Francesco Totti.

LUIGI: Wait! There’s a note!

MARIO: What does it say?

LUIGI: She’s been kidnapped by Bowser!

There is an uncomfortable but familiar pause.

MARIO: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

LUIGI: Eh, a-what are you going to do?

MARIO: Get a leash. Possibly a tracking device.

LUIGI: But she’s a-gone again!

MARIO: Can’t I hire a detective or something?

Luigi: No, you might as well save her. Think of the rewards she gives you.

A massive grin appears on Mario’s face.

MARIO: Oh, alright then.

LUIGI: I bet Bowser’s got an enormous co-...

Super Mario World is 96 levels of platforming joy featuring the world’s most famous super plumber, his brother Luigi, and his pet dinosaur Yoshi, who can be ridden by either Mario or Luigi in their attempt to get Peach back. You have to navigate the many worlds with all their enemies, secret passages and devious and imaginative pitfalls to deal out a good thumping to bowser.

INT. Gair Rhydd Office. Day LUCA BRASI: Hold the review, fatboy, I’m from the mafia and I’ve come to take your stereotypes down.

ME: Ahhh, my power of irony has you.

LUCA: No! His irony and self-indulgent writing has got the better of me! I’m melting, meltinggggg!

EDITOR: What’s going on?

ME: I’m really hoping more people are going to read this because of the headline and assume I do this every week. Actually, all the people who just flick over the Games page every week are total cunts with the combined charisma of Phil Neville and Pete Waterman.

LUIGI: Why aren’t the TV pages funny any more?

MARIO: Remember kids, when I eat the magic mushroom, I get more power!

Jus’ 1 jump, will make the platform... but it’ll move

GRAHAM CHAPMAN: Stop this review, it’s getting silly now. It started out with a clever headline which actually wasn’t that clever in the first place and it’s descended into farce. Now go and read the adverts on the book page.

If you want to sample an example of one the finest and largest 2D platform games of all time, then look no further than the diverse environments and gameplay that SMA2 offers.

It more than makes up for the disappointing launch title with a return to the familiar Mario gameplay. Like SMA1, the original arcade Mario Brothers game is included for link-up games. Personally, I think that Sonic Advance is the superior game, but anyone wanting to either relive their childhood or have something to play on the move that is so much more than a mere handheld game will find that Mario is back to his best. Chris Faires

Storm over Europe Curly Wurly EUROPA UNIVERSALIS 2 (PC) Ubisoft

T

HE FIRST Europa Universalis game crept into the UK last year and soon gained a small but loyal group of fans among the strategy community. It was based on a relatively unknown French board game which saw you taking control of one of the European super-powers from 1492 to 1792. In a nutshell the game incorporates elements of tried and tested strategy titles like Diplomacy, Risk and Civilization.

The sequel covers roughly the same period and uses the same style but adds new options and fixes a lot of complaints with the original.

The first thing that strikes you upon installing the game is how incredibly complex it is. This is the kind of game that requires you to devote days, weeks and months in order to fully appreciate and enjoy it. Lets just say that your not going to be blitzing through it at high speed after a night down the pub.

Those not used to strategy titles will probably never get past the tutorials, which are long and can be incredibly boring at times, especially when you ware itching to get to grips with the real game. Unfortunately there is no way you will manage without them as there are so many different elements you have to remember. From trade to diplomacy to your military, every last detail of your chosen Empire is here for you to change and alter as you see fit. If the idea of this sees you

running for the door then this is definitely not the game for you, but for those who love micromanagement it is a godsend.

Comparing it to other recent strategy titles like Civilization 3 I found it slow to grab me and not as visually pleasing. Having said this the 500 different historical missions and high level of detail means it will keep you playing long after Civilization has lost its appeal.

There are dozens of different and varied campaigns on offer here covering a massive historical time period and a vast range of over 90 different nations to control. In terms of game mechanics the game opts for a real-time approach as opposed to the turn based system that most similar strategy games go for. This can mean the action gets a bit hectic at times but it allows you to alter the game speed if you think events are getting ahead of you and there’s always the pause key if you need a break to plan ahead. It has the obligatory multiplayer options for both the internet or a network so up to eight players can play head to head in a pitched battle for European domination. If you have ever found yourself wanting to see if you could do a better job at managing Napoleon’s Empire or wishing you could re-enact the hundred years war then this is the game you have been waiting for. If you have the time and patience to put in then this has the potential to be an incredibly rewarding game and can be heartily recommended to any serious strategy fan.

Charles Jeffreys

HERDY GERDY (PS2) Eidos/ Core Design

H

ERDY GERDY is the game that was delayed since last June as Eidos (apparently) waited until there were more PS2 owners in the world, and following the sales blitz at Xmas here is the unique Herdy Gerdy. Essentially it’s a sheparding game, where you play as young Gerdy, whose father the shepard has been plunged into a deep sleep by the evil Sadorf. Not only do you have to take over his herding duties but you have to save the kingdom.

The gameplay is a mixture of 3D Lemmings with a graphically stunning world similar to Zelda’s Hyrule but looking like a Disney film brought to life. Making a video game appear more like a inkdrawing animation rather than a computer generated world is a fine achievement. Bare in mind that Herdy Gerdy is aimed at kids, and the interactions are geared to less mature minds. There’s some annoyingly arbitary freedom – Gerdy can leap over some fences, but others he’s blocked from. The AI isn’t as good as you’d like it to be, consisting of ultra-cool doops and bleeps, and nasty doop eating gromps. There’s dozens of English ‘village townsfolk’ characters to interact with, and lots of lush environments to navigate. The sound is great and the range of moves is impressive, Gerdy learns from the missions he completes.

Ultimately Herdy Gerdy can’t challenge the likes of Zelda and Mario but it’s a stylish, if immature adventure. Alan Novak

gamesreviews

07

Console yourself gameshardwarespecial

Last March, Microsoft released it’s mighty Xbox. On the 3rd may, Nintendo released its new Gamecube console. But what should you buy and why?

PASSED ON

WHY NOT BUT IT? You think you're too mature for the games, worst memory card system

TOP GAMES: Final Fantasy 7, Gran Turismo, Resident Evil

GR Rating: **

TOP GAMES: Goldeneye, Super Mario 64, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Mario Kart 64

GR Rating: ***

Nintendo 64 Dreamcast SONY EST. 1994 (UK)

SEGA EST. 1999 SALES: +8 million worldwide Addons: Keyboard, Arcade Stick

SALES: More than the laminated Kylie edition of Playboy. One in every 5 households in UK

WHY BUY IT? Cheap internet access, quality of games, it’s now £50

WHY BUY IT? Huge back catalogue, cheap games, can link to LCD screen

EST. 1996 ADDONS: RAM EXPANSION PAK

WHY NOT BUY IT? You don't like games.

WHY NOT BUT IT? Can use a PS2 instead, like playing games with other people

WHY BUY IT? Excellent multiplayer games, compatibility with GB Pokemon

NEW SALES: Not as much as they wanted

Why buy it?

It's the most powerful console ever made, broadband compatible, has a hard disk (so no need to get a memory card) and now costs just £200 WHY NOT BUY? It's the heaviest and largest console ever, have to buy DVD remote to play

TOP GAMES: Virtua Tennis 2, Phantasy Star Online, Soul Calibur

GR Rating: ****

METAL GEAR SOLID 2 (PS2) Konami

Game cube NINTENDO EST: MAY 3RD SALES: over 1.5m in US

WHY BUY IT? It's Nintendo, stupid. New Mario, Zelda and Pokemon games are

A

T LAST it has arrived. *The* must-have PS2 title. The game people have been buying PS2s for. The game people have been saying makes the GameCube/ XBox/ whatever shit, because it's on PS2 only. The sequel to 'the greatest game ever'. Metal Gear Solid 2.

Remember Star Wars Episode 1? I have the strangest feeling of dejavu...

That's because this is Metal Gear Solid, all over again. Same somewhat shifting overhead view,

The attention to detail is simply awe-inspiring... but too many sequences where you just watch the characters talk

have improved AI, and will radio for help, run for cover, and have much improved searching abilities (including the terrifying 'clearing' where they look EVERYWHERE).

The attention to detail is simply awe-inspiring… if you shoot an ice bucket, ice cubes fly out, and if they don’t land back in the bucket they melt.

If only the time spent on these little touches had been invested in the controls. The controls are still incredibly old-fashioned and unfriendly; a poor cousin of the smooth, fluid action of the Syphon Filter games. For example, you can only aim your gun by holding down the trigger, and if you then change your mind about actually firing you have to use the inventory to deselect it and then re-select it. There is a first person aiming view but you can't really move in this, and fighting more than one guard in this

WHY BUY IT? DVD player out of the box, backwards compatible with most PS1 games, should price-drop soon

TOP GAMES: Pro Evolution Soccer, Grand Theft Auto 3, Metal Gear Solid 2

GR Rating: ***

NINTENDO EST. 2001 SALES: Over one million in the UK in under a year ADDONS: Link cables Why buy it?

Compatible with most GB games, impressive range of games, can play games on the move/ for quick fix, costs only £70 Why not?

Happy with an old gameboy, hands too big for a small console TOP GAMES: Sonic Advance, Denki Blocks, Advance Wars, Mario Kart

GR Rating: ***** The best console available

WHY NOT BUT IT? Still think you're too mature for it, joypad baffles you

GR Rating: **** At 200 smackers becomes a almost irresistable buy.

sneaking around, breaking guards' necks and battling ludicrous bosses. Also back are stiff controls, ridiculous plotlines and hours of tedious sit n' listen CODEC conversations. And, for about 75% of the game, you don't even get to be Solid Snake. No, you're the stereotypical 'talented but inexperienced rookie', a blonde pretty boy you instantly hate called 'Raiden'. Combine this relentlessly unsympathetic protagonist with the most drawn-out, hideously overcomplicated story and you’ll just want to ignore the story and get on with the sneakin’ and spyin’.

Granted, the game has improved. The graphics are nothing short of stunning. The guards now

EST. 2000 SALES: over 20 million worldwide

Gameboy Advance

on the horizon, can be linked to GBA, will retail at £130

TOP GAMES: Halo, Project Gotham Racing, JSRF

So Solid Two

Playstation 2

WHY NOT BUY IT? Limited number of 'must have titles', need multitap for multiplayer games

DVD’s, and not many quality games on the horizon- yet MICROSOFT EST. MARCH (UK)

CURRENTLY ACTIVE

TOP GAMES: Super Monkey Ball, Rogue Leader (launch) Resident Evil 0, Mario Sunshine, (forthcoming)

GR Rating: **** £130 should prove highly tempting to many.

view is a nightmare, especially after playing proper FPS games on the PS2 like Half-Life or Red Faction. My biggest gripe, however, is the serious lack of actual game. As in the original, there is far too many sequences where you just sit and watch the characters talking with cheesy dialogue and poor characterization that puts even the worst action movies to shame. If I’d wanted to sit and watch, I wouldn’t have bought a bloody game system – I’d go to the UCI instead.

The final disappointment, I feel, is that for your £44.99 you don't even get a full printed manual, only a glorified reference card, with the full manual contained on a second 'bonus' DVD. When you get a new game, do you really feel like sitting staring at your TV reading page

after page of badly-formatted instructions? Well, I suppose that could be the primer for sitting staring at your TV listening to the badly-written dialogue that is most of the game. As a game it’s terrible.

As a story it’s terrible. But it’s pulled off with such style that somehow you just have to experience it.

Luckily, you can have the experience for the cost of a twoday rental. Steve Webber

musiclive

08

Pics: Si Crockford

IDLEWILD Bristol Anson Rooms EVER SINCE the early days, Idlewild have had a ferocious live reputation, whether it be playing to a couple of hundred people in a dingy club or the main stage at Reading, they’re guaranteed to entertain.

After the release and subsequent promotion of 2000’s Hundred Broken Windows, little was heard of the Scottish foursome on these shores, but with a new single riding high in the charts and the release of their new album scheduled for July, they’re back. For many people here tonight, it’s their first chance in over a year and a half to see Idlewild do their thing and with the added bonus of a glimpse at some of the new material, expectations are high.

Support tonight comes courtesy of London’s Ikara Colt, kicking and screaming at all before them, the art school foursome unleash a devastating barrage of noise, which although slightly limited in its appeal, is nevertheless entertaining.

Refined isn’t a word that would normally be used to describe Idlewild’s music, but after Ikara Colt’s sonic assault, cherubic faced Roddy Woomble and his manic backing band have a new

air of maturity about them. Last years tour of America appears to have left it’s mark; gone is the wanton air of destruction, and while old songs are still played with the same full-on aggression, it’s the new material that shows best a change in attitude.

Three songs in, and the new single, You Held The World In Your Arms, minus the strings but just as epic, lights up the room. Sitting perfectly between old favourites Little Discourage and When I Argue I See Shapes it is proof that the last year and a half have been used well, instead of standing still, Idlewild are still up for the fight. From Captain through to 100 Broken Windows the back catalogue is plundered well (although a disappointing omission of You Don’t Have The Heart) with a couple of new songs sprinkled teasingly, an exciting promise of things to come.

Tonight has been a strangely life affirming experience, any expectations I had for tonight were far surpassed by a band that have returned with a new lease of life. Looking as fresh as they did the first time I saw them nearly five years ago, it looks although four people will be doing good for a little while longer yet.

Rob Jackson

Young, Wet & Wild GRANDMASTER FLASHTHE OFFICIAL ADVENTURES Clwb Ifor Bach IT ISN’T hard to imagine how Joseph Saddler came to create one of the most influential music formulas of today. Standing before Kool Herc Djing 29 years ago at a block party in the Bronx, Grandmaster Flash was formed within that 15 year old boy to whom the world owes the sound we call hip hop.

Cardiff’s anticipation of one of the world’s most celebrated DJs ended when the legendary talent mapped the city onto the Official Adventures 2002 tour. Nearing midnight, Grandmaster Flash filled the stage of the third floor with some viscous scratching to lead seamlessly into the breaks, beats and basslines that flow beneath some of the greatest rap anthems to date. This 44 year old man arrived not looking entirely displaced from the New York Block parties where his passion

was born; certainly with as much energy and hands equally as busy in experimentation as they had been back then.

Headphones clinging firmly to the sides of the customary white beret, Flash fed his audience a rich ingredients from James Brown’s Motown killer, Sex Machine to Queen’s Another One Bites The Dust reaching both devout fans and those less dedicated to the roots of hip hop with a message to take home about the diversity of influences that make up his art. The gig was originally scheduled in The Coal Exchange leaving the Welsh Club to house a crowd that reached the ceiling, although it still seemed as though the rest of the world was missing out. A gracious embracing of The Sugarhill Gang’s, Rappers Delight, the record that stole Grandmaster’s deserved title as the first ever recording hip hop artist, falsified a lifetime reputation of bitterness.

Despite being ridiculously high profile Grandmaster Flash strove to represent an array of sounds, reviving timeless

masterpieces such as Afrika Bambaata and the Soul Sonic Force’s Planet Rock following on to set off rumours of a possible house release moments before dropping the summer tune of 1998 Stardust’s Music Sounds Better With You. Once the Grandmaster had proved himself to remain one of the most talented, dedicated and humble artists of our time, it seemed time that Cardiff gave a little back. The crowd dispersed allowing the B- boys to take centre stage with Flash providing a soundtrack of break classics. Tom Tom Club’s Genius Of Love and the fitting, Electric Boogie by the West Street Mob inspired moves reserved for the out-takes of House Party. Their freestyling paid homage to the old skool legacy of hip hop and the Grandmaster rewarded their efforts by wrapping up the evening with House Of Pain’s world-wide anthem, Jump Around sending fans euphorically wild. Encouragement aplenty to retrieve those dusty back of the stack records buried beneath your G.C.S.E coursework for one more outing with those two turntables and a microphone. Melanie Roberts

The Northern Lights

Pics: Jamie Fullerton

THE SHINING Barfly THE LONG and short of it is that the Shining are a good band with good songs. Some are great, stadium sized epics which is perhaps what makes the Barfly experience a strange one tonight. But then again, what else should you expect from a band with two ex-Verve members in it?

They know what they’re doing, they’ve done it before, and with help from some ‘muso’ friends and a baby faced, Calvin Klein model-esque front man they look set to do it for a long time.

The band play the songs with a belief and passion that is rare in new bands these days.

They have the makings of the highlights of the Verve whilst bridging them with Definitely Maybe era Oasis. They may not be doing anything new, but they’re doing it pretty damn well. They put on a good show, their only let down is the singer; a Gallagher/ Ashcroft wannabe, who’s acting the part extremely badly. He’s vocally brilliant, but there’s no ego, no persona and hence he’s extremely unconvincing. He’s a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights, knowing what he wants to do but too afraid to do it.

Had I been stood at the back I would have probably enjoyed it a lot more.

Ben James

The Shining: sweaty scenes

THE DARKNESS / IVOR BEYNON Barfly IN A year which has already seen Iron Maiden back in the top 10 and selling out Brixton Academy on three consecutive nights and the cult legend that is Andrew WK dribbling milkshake over himself on 24 hour MTV rotation), the new long haired rookies doing the circuit can’t help but feel confident that a style of music rendered with zero commercial potential since Spinal Tap ruined it for everyone, is coming back with a vengeance, of sorts.

Fittingly, Ivor Beynon, the world’s most fearless man must genuinely have bucketloads of conviction in his choice of career. In short, Ivor Beynon is a Welsh Andrew WK lost in a gay cheese metal karaoke bar in Port Talbot.

He struts and does the middle finger at photographers whilst singing beyond out-oftune covers of heavy metal classics like Enter Sandman, Smoke on the Water and, unsurprisingly The Number of The Beast.

Again, the confusion arises, is Ivor an example of the extremities of performance art and existing as a one man irony-machine? Or is he just a ludicrous thirty year old man looking like Patrick Jones in an Andrew WK wig and a pink flower in his hair, wearing leather trousers with limited talent? Significantly better than Sunday Night Tafarn karaoke, nonetheless.

Which leads us unto The Darkness. Sadly not the Medieval Prophets of Doom the name leads us to believe. In fact, after the antics of Mr Beynon, The Darkness appear as the sane ones. Of course, being a band loosely based around the premise that Bon Jovi fronted by a man with a vocal range somewhere between Axl Rose and Kate Bush is a GOOD idea, you are not without some degree of insanity.

Although, taken with several bags worth of pinches of salt, the idea is as good as suggested: taking the limping corpses of Aerosmith and AC/DC and injecting the blood into four happy-go-lucky young English dudes.

Songs like Givin’ In (note the dropped ‘g’) and Love on the Rock (With No Ice) show complete competence and a love for their work. When the crowd don’t move forward on request, Hawkins jumps over the speaker stack and plays guitar in the crowd! the bassist looks like Freddy Mercury! they throw bedroom-rock poses at the end of EVERY song!

The Darkness are possibly the most likely band in the country to go bankrupt within the next year in terms of commercial sales, but anyone who witnesses the live spectacle, is going to have a damn good time on the way down. John Widdop

musiclive

New York City’s Tops YEAH YEAH YEAHS Barfly I COULD bore you with track lists and other technicalities when I describe the Yeah Yeah Yeahs live experience. I could go on and on about the blistering power of the drums, the buzz-saw, thrash sound of the guitar and the varying sound of Karen O’s vocals, which switch from a strong, solid PJ Harvey style to a screaming god-knows-what-she’s saying rant.

The point of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs playing live though, seems

Pics: Jamie Fullerton THE ORIGINAL line-up of the band who never play ballads return to the touring scene, complete with tattoos, dreadlocked hair and stage-divers, to remind us of how rock was before the days of hoodies, toilet humour and The Stereophonics. Okay, so a small fraction of the audience is over thirty and not experienced in modern mosh-pit etiquette (elbows by sides, no groping crowd-surfers) but The Wildhearts are still on form.

Fast becoming the Gair Rhydd Wildhearts correspondent, I’m qualified to say that Ginger’s sleazy charm and charisma are still there, claiming Wales to have the most attractive girls in Britain and advising the fans to “burn off some fat”. His humour may remain best compared with Bernard Mannings but is inoffensive enough tonight.

The usual favourites are here (I Wanna Go...; an emotional as ever Sick of Drugs), alongside new numbers (including Vanilla Radio), while fans also get the chance to vote on the new album title (currently split between The Wildhearts Must be Destroyed and Riffs, Riffs and M*therfuckin Riffs), and all in the polished-oak settings of Cardiff’s best music venue. A healthy alternative for those who forgot to buy Kylie tickets tonight. Dave Gibson

RONI SIZE Clwb Ifor Bach THE MASTER, the genius, the we’re not worthy of drum and bass came to Cardiff on Friday and treated Clwb Ifor Bach to two and a half hours of gloriously repetitive beats.The Bristol-based DJ has given us two albums to date – New Forms and In the Mode, both of which were highly successful in their genre, Dirty Beats making the Top 40. But enough of chart success, what Roni Size is really about is the live performances, the lively atmosphere and making sure everyone in the crowd loses about a stone in sweat before their departure.

Obviously not everyone’s cup of tea, and admittedly there was the odd one or two who deemed glo-sticks and skiing goggles as obligatory for a d ‘n’ b night...

With one of the six members of Reprazent providing the vocals, Size’s set flowed superbly, each track seamlessly blending in with the next. After an exhausting two hours, Size boasted that he was the only drum and bass DJ to do requests – shame no one had a pen really. No, actually there were two requests, one of which Size had and played, the other of which (new track with Cyprus Hill – extremely good) he had forgotten to bring with him. The swine.

The crowd was highly enthusiastic, most of

which performing the drum and bass dance to a tee, (basically just jump about vigorously on the spot, bounce your head up and down subtlety and close your eyes every now and again to add extra enthusiasm.) Size’s entourage looked on admiringly from the wing of the stage while making sure a particular sweaty, topless man didn’t harass Mr Reprazent on the stage.

At 3am Size realised his time was up and modestly thanked the crowd, giving us a shy grin before packing up. Bless. Katie Brunt

THE JEEVAS/ FENTON Barfly IT’S COLD, wet and we’re being pelted by hailstones, yet in front of me stand a hoard of girls dressed in little skirts and near-navelexposing low cut tops. Tonight the Barfly has become every female Britpop followers wet

to be a more subjective experience. It’s all about energy and attitude, emotion and maybe even fun.

Front-girl Karen O begins the set wearing a bright green mask and considering at the time of seeing them their first EP had not yet been released, she obviously doesn’t care about being recognised. She just wants to Rock-n-fucking-Roll and that they did. Contorting in spasm like postures, the three-piece seethed with a passion that is strongly missed on the stage and gladly welcomed back.

Jamie Grierson dream come true – as gracing the lowly stage is the small but perfectly formed, Crispian Mills, and his fellow band mates, as the Jeevas.

Local boys, Fenton, seem a rather odd choice as support then, with their raw-punkish quality and cheeky sense of humour, as the lead vocalist taunts halfway through “I can’t believe how many people are here tonight, I would’ve been at Kylie.” Ranging from the weird, Psycho killer, to the almost cool and Nirvana reminiscent, High school Queen “Dolly takes her dress off, Dolly is a high school queen.” It seems Fenton could go quite far if they get the recognition they deserve.

It seems strange then, that a breath of fresh air like Fenton are supporting the Jeevas. With Kula Shaker frontman Crispian, they churned out some rather cool, almost progressive newage sounds. The Jeevas then take three massive steps back from this (make that three decades) and sound like some bizarre, 70’s rock ‘n’ roll band with strong hints of country

and folk. Unfortunately, for most of their set the banter between songs proves more interesting than the songs themselves – “this is a song about bikes and ghosts and how sometimes they go together like chalk and cheese.”

Obvious highlights came in the shape of newbie Virginia Is A Witch, and a rather footstomping cover of The Underpants’s You’ve Got My Number. Sadly, Mills knows deep down that the majority of the audience are there to gawp at his beauty or hope he plays some Kula Shaker tracks.

Finally he gives in and gives us some awesome renditions of ‘Shaker hits Hush and Hey Dude, sending the first five rows of teenage girls into a lustful frenzy. Had the Jeevas been fronted by some raving mad man like Jack White, they might actually stand a chance. But as it is, it just appears as if Mr Mills doesn’t know when his 15 minutes in the limelight is over. Gemma Jones

Kiddie’s uproar KID GALAHAD/ TETRA SPLENDOUR Barfly KID GALAHAD are back and they’ve got yet another free CD to bribe their fans into not forgetting about them altogether. The new Kid Galahad are slightly heavier sounding but the unadulterated pop remains ever-present and

Pics: Mat Croft

THE WILDHEARTS Coal Exchange

09

KID GALAHAD ‘Testify!’

mouth-wateringly pompous.

As a live act, it’s obvious they’ve got something special, putting energy into their songs while singer Ash carries out his charismatic dancing, playing peek-a-boo with his microphone stand while he informs us that, even now, he has yet to find his gold or silver. Maybe one day whoever has it will return it. He is a very polite bloke after all.

Local lads Tetra Splendour, take the stage next to remind us Nirvana still have relevance. Sporting Sunkist guitars and haircuts modelled on Fraggle Rock, there follows the musical equivalent of watching paint dry. For almost an hour we are treated to a front-man in grunge attire, hidden behind two Hammond keyboards, and a guitarist from the Alex James school of entertainment failing to make eye-contact with anything but the floor. The music itself, while far from sensational, is listenable alternative rock but their live-act leaves nothing for anyone. Potential but not TETRA SPLENDOUR:no comment potent. Dave Gibson

filmclub

10

Brotherly love O Brother, Where Art Thou?, the depression-era fantasy reworking of Homer’s Odyssey, starring George Clooney, is the Gair Rhydd Film Club movie this week.

Join the Gair Rhydd Film Club for free by taking along the voucher below and get in for just £2 every week. Membership cards will soon be issued bringing you further benefits. So come along this Wednesday at 2pm at UGC Cardiff.

Weekly Film Competition

WIN 10 UGC CINEMA TICKETS That’s right kids, we have the usual five pairs of UGC cinema tickets to give away to five lucky readers who can answer the following question:

Name the talented brothers who directed and produced Fargo, The Big Lebowski, Miller’s Crossing, and the GRFC film showing this wednesday at 2pm at UGC Cinemas, O Brother, Where Art Thou?

To win just e-mail grfilmdesk@hotmail.com with “Film Competition 720” in the subject box.

In association with Membership Application Name:.................................................

E-mail:................................................

Mobile:................................................

COMING UP IN FUTURE WEEKS: Keep checking the paper for future gair rhydd film club releases at UGC Cinemas Cardiff.

Boy oh Boy ABOUT A BOY Starring: Hugh Grant, Nicholas Hoult, Toni Collette, Rachel Weisz, Victoria Smurfitt Dir.: Chris and Paul Weitz 15, 90 mins.

T

HIS LATEST film in a long line of recent British comedies comes (surprisingly) from the directors and writers of American Pie Paul and Chris Weitz and (not surprisingly) the makers of Bridget Jones Diary.

Will (Hugh Grant) is a modern man who lives the seemingly perfect modern life, living off the royalties of a one hit wonder Christmas song his dad wrote in the seventies.

His main aim in life is to sleep with as many women as possible but still maintain his bachelor status and

thereby disproving the famous quote ‘no man is an island’.

Will decides that the best short term lovers are single mothers and so naturally he invents a kid and joins SPAT, Single Parents Are Together. At a SPAT picnic, he meets Marcus (Nicholas Hoult), a 12 year old geeky kid, whose single mother dresses him in light brown corduroys, rainbow patterned cardigans and has the worst haircut imaginable.

Needless to say, Marcus is bullied at school for being a social outcast.

When Marcus’ mother, Fiona (Toni Collette), attempts suicide, Marcus decides that it is time that the two of them had a ‘back up’, someone to look after them if the other is incapable.

This third person is the selfabsorbed, shallow Will. The two form a mutually co-dependent relationship, that begins with Marcus turning up uninvited on Will’s

doorstep and sitting with him to watch Countdown.

Will realises how terrible Marcus’ circumstances are and helps him in the only way he knows how – he buys him some Sketchers trainers, CDs and a CD player so he fits in at school. Their friendship is sealed inevitably by talking about girls when Will meets Rachel (Rachel Weisz) and Marcus meets Ellie. At this point, Will realises that he is a ‘blank’ with no interests in his life of importance other than Marcus and vows to help him.

Although it does take a while for the characters to be thoroughly introduced with the rather laboured theme of ‘no man is an island’, the relationship between the two main characters is touching and subtly built up while each comes to terms with and shares their problems.

Hugh Grant is particularly good in arguably his most complicated role to date, portraying the gradual realisation of the futility of his life to realistic effect. Marcus is a brilliant, quirky character, every inch the geeky weird kid that everyone ignored at school.

Nicholas Hoult is not a ‘cute’ kid, as the Americans would have him.

The beauty of the film lies in the fact that the sympathy comes from the character and the script, rather than how wide he can make his blue eyes as they fill up with tears.

Marcus has a crap haircut, he wears crap clothes and he does weird things, like bursting into

spontaneous song, but we still like him because of his resilience, honesty, and the funny lines that the script gives him. Sentimentality is not shoved down your throat in this film, the sad moments being all the more poignant for the genuinely laugh out loud funny moments.

The stereotypes are neatly side stepped because the main relationship is not the will-theywon’t-they love story but solely the precarious one between Marcus and Will.

The characters are not as overtly middle-class as most British comedies, although Hugh Grant tends to makes everything seem middleclass. It is essentially a very modern story; the message of the film is not to restore the characters to living in typical family structures, but a message of community. It is OK to be

a single parent.

As with all Nick Hornby novels music plays an important part in the story and this is emphasised by the Badly Drawn Boy soundtrack that, like the film, is sufficiently understated to be poignant when it is needed.

In this case the song Silent Sigh is played at an important section of the film and succeeds in saying more than words. The soundtrack also strangely turns Marcus’ awful clothes and hair into some kind of indie cool statement. He even wears a Badly Drawn Boy hat.

Although About A Boy does not entirely shake off the fantasy land story lines of previous British comedies, it nevertheless provides an entertaining and original slant on it. Well acted, very funny and surprisingly deep. Yes, it is better than Bridget Jones’ Diary.

Jennifer Cannock

Television

12

6 May

Monday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 'Allo 'Allo!

9.25 Perry Mason: Case of the Lethal Lifestyle 10.50 Columbo Goes to the Guillotine 12.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 12.40 Match of the Day: Women's FA Cup Final 3.00 FILM: Herbie Rides Again 4.25 My Hero 4.55 FILM: The Flintstones John Goodman (ace) + Halle Berry (vastly overated) +bad concept (feature film remake of an ancient cartoon?!) = mediocre viewing. It’s like maths but interesting and less twatish.

6.00 Open University: Animated English 6.30 Play and the Social World 7.00 CBBC: Little Monsters 7.05 Bellflower Bunnies 7.30 Casper 7.55 Really Wild Show 8.20 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 8.45 Rugrats 9.10 Xchange 9.35 The Wild Thornberrys 10.00 The Queen's Nose 11.40 Afoot Again in the Past 11.50 FILM: Doctor Zhivago 2.55 World Snooker Championship

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Angry Beavers 9.55 Clueless 10.25 Clueless 10.50 Garfield and Friends 11.20 Animal Stories 11.35 FILM: The Pebble and the Penguin What the hell?...seemingly two random, unconnected words, hmm...

12.55 ITV News; Weather 1.10 FILM: In Search of the Castaways Deserted islands are your best bet mate.

3.00 FILM: Battle of the Bulge The Vanessa Feltz story?

5.45 HTV News 5.50 ITV News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 I Dream of Jeannie 10.00 FILM: North 11.40 Andromeda 12.30 Planed Plant: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.45 Planed Plant: Sali Mali 12.55 Planed Plant: Ding Dong 1.00 Twm 1.15 Film Fever 1.20 Brookside 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Sam Tan 4.10 Na Dderyn 4.20 Hotel Eddie 4.50 Gogs 5.00 Blair 5 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 Gareth Roberts. 6.30 Rownd a Rownd b 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News.

8.00 Ma' Ifan 'Ma

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 HouseBusters 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 FILM: Sugarfoot 2.55 FILM: Cheyenne Autumn 5.25 Kylie Jukebox 5.30 5 News National

6.15 BBC News 6.30 World's Strongest Woman Pat Butcher. It’s all in the forearms son...

7.30 Holiday on a Shoestring Cheap, but good balance required.

8.00 EastEnders I think this show sets a bad example for the youth of today. All the young people are either greasy (Jamie), ugly (Sonia), forever pregnant (Sonia again) and stupid (Sonia and Jamie). What sort of example is that eh?

8.30 Changing Rooms Laurence and Oliver tackle two Dutch barges moored on the Thames. Isn’t ‘Dutch barge’ gay slang?

9.00 FILM: The Peacemaker A pair of mismatched government operatives set out to recover stolen nuclear warheads from terrorists. Every rehashed cliche then. SHITE. 11.00 BBC News 11.20 FILM: Live Wire An FBI bomb disposal expert investigates the deaths of a number of US senators after an embittered arms dealer invents a deadly liquid that reacts violently with stomach acids. I reckon he’s your man y’know.

12.40 Liquid News 1.15 Joins BBC News 24

5.55 FILM: The Battle of Midway With Charlton “Straight Outta Compton” Heston. “Never mind dis plane shit, my trigger finger’s itchin’ for some uzi action, mo-fo.” He’s an uzi lover, biatch.

8.00 World Snooker Championship 10.30 Dad's Army 11.25 Tinsel Town Promise I’m not going to on about “cheek bones” etc. “Like This Life but with more shagging”- Nick.

11.55 Master Blasters: Fireworks! Pyrotechnics supremo Eric Tucker and his team prepare for Houston's huge firework and laser show, meticulously programming firing codes to coincide with music, having areas of the city sealed off, and using helicopters to lift equipment to launch sites 50storeys up. Wicked. I just used to tie them to the tails of cats...

12.30 Ever Wondered?

12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Ever Wondered? 1.30 A Question of Style 2.00 Geography in Animation 4.00 Espana Viva 5.00 Working in Engineering Only joking, don’t get the RSPCA on me.

6.00 The Secrets of Stars in Their Eyes Including: Matthew Kelly’s sexual preference.

7.00 Emmerdale Diane has to contend with two men vying for her affections. At once. In bed. While naked.

Having sex.

7.30 Coronation Street The women of Weatherfield dive for cover as Dev puts himself back on the market as being available by shouting “who wants a golden shower then?”

8.00 TV Nightmares 6 8.30 Airline 9.00 Helen West Courtroom drama.

11.00 ITV News 11.15 HTV News 11.25 UEFA Champions League Weekly 11.55 FILM: Two Mules for Sister Sara Whimsical but engaging Western about a drifter who saves a woman from a gang of marauders. To his amazement she turns out to be a nun. So it’s not just me that always happens too...

2.05 Wish You Were Here...?

2.30 The People's Vets 3.00 Trisha 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

9.00 Mae'r Byd yn Grwn: Yr Hen a Wyr 9.30 Sgorio Soccer highlights.

10.35 The West Wing 11.30 V Graham Norton Graham 12.00 FILM: Crash Ahh, David Cronenberg madness.

Haven’t seen this but the Daily Mail called it “filth” so it’s probably ace.

2.00 FILM: Summer Holiday With the antichrist, Cliff Richard.

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Toyota World of Wildlife: 7.30 5 News 8.00 5th Gear Motoring 8.30 The Most Evil Men and Women in History: This programme focuses on the Russian Grigori Rasputin, responsible for the eventual destruction of the Romanov royal family, changing the face of Russian history forever. Had a big beard, shagged anything that moved and most importantly inspired Boney M’s finest hour. “Ra-ra Rasputin, Russia’s greatest love machine”....etc 9.00 FILM: The Bodyguard Shite! Has Whitney acted since? I think not, and with good reason.

11.35 CSI 12.30 The Pepsi Chart 12.35 US PGA Golf 1.25 FIM World Motocross Championships 2.15 Moto GP 3.45 NASCAR Busch Series Oops, space to fill. Feel free to email us at grtvdesk@hotmail.com with gripes, abuse, join my Bristol City support group (hang in there kids), rumours and scandal, good porn, or whatever you like.

CHOICE Ring Channel 4, 11.40 pm

By Japanese director Hideo Nakata, who is seemingly quite cool. Don’t expect any slasher-type gore though because like most good horror films it’s all left to the imagination. The plot is

CH4. As S4C except:11.40 FILM: Space Cam 3.50 Countdown 4.40 Time Team 6.10 FILM: Animal Farm 7.50 Channel 4 News 8.00 Junkyard Wars 9.00 Fifty Greatest Magic 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.40 FILM: Ring Wicked mad Japanese horror-thing.

Quite scary in a sort of lowfi sort of way.

1.35 FILM: Nostradamus 3.45 Battle Centre 5.20 Personal Services 5.50 Bagpuss And so Cardiff crash out at the penultimate hurdle, haha. Hope Stoke go up actually, will half my chances of getting punched in the face next season anyway...

very cool too: A journalist comes across a mysterious video tape which brings death to anyone who watches it.

Japanese cinema is probably most underated in the world and this is a good film to start getting in to it I reckon.

Crash S4C, 12.00pm

Though I’d give an alternative this week due to the whole S4C mad scheduling debacle. Directed by acclaimed weirdo David Cronenburg, this film caused an fuss in the national press when it came out in a ban “Ban this sick filth because we’ve got a slow news day” type way. I don’t know if this is actually any good so don’t hit me if it’s rubbish.

The Peacemaker 9.00pm BBC1

World Snooker 8.00pm BBC2

Two Mules for Sister Sara ITV 1 11.55pm

Monday

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

V Graham Norton C4 11.05pm STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

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Television

7 May

Tuesday S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Trading Up in the Sun 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 The Enemy Within 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 Get Your Own Back 4.35 Big Kids 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

6.00 La Bonne Formule 6.30 Exam Success 7.00 Chuck Finn 7.25 Histeria 7.45 Blue Peter Unleashed 8.15 Binka 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Megamaths 11.10 English Express 11.30 Music Makers 11.50 Zig Zag Shorts 12.00 The Animated Tales 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Binka 1.10 FILM: Amelia Earhart: The Final Flight 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Esther 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.25 Maisy 3.30 Preston Pig 3.45 Sitting Ducks 4.15 Mystery 4.35 Weirdsister College: The Further Adventures of the Worst Witch 5.05 Never Had It 5.30 Crossroads

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 I Dream of Jeannie 10.00 FILM: High Sierra 11.55 My Eden 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Tweenies 12.50 Planed Plant: Bibi 1.00 Countdown 1.45 Channel 4 at the races from Chester 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Chwedlau'r Byd 4.10 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Gary Bayley 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News.8.00 Clwb Garddio 8.30 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 The Edwardian Country House

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 HouseBusters 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 US PGA Golf 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Moment of Truth: Broken Pledges 5.25 Kylie Jukebox Viewers 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Wildlife on One: 7.30 EastEnders Jamie is determined to drown his sorrows. In his own hair grease.

8.00 Holby City 9.00 Cutting It Gavin is in for a nasty shock when he has perm and ends up looking like Kevin Keegan’s long-lost brother.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Football: Against the Wall Alan Hansen investigates the cash crisis which is crippling football and asks the biggest names in the game who is to blame.

Featuring interviews with Sven-Goran Eriksson, Alan Sugar, Mohamed Al Fayed, Rio Ferdinand and David James. I blame Fayed, just cos he’s a twat and should never be allowed a passport and wherever he goes can take his overpriced tack shop with him.

11.45 FILM: Rocky V 1.30 What the Victorians Did For Us 2.25 Sign Zone: See Hear on Saturday 3.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons While on summer vacation, Lisa sheds her bookish image in an effort to make new friends.

Featuring the guest voice of Christina Ricci. Wicked.

6.20 Rough Science 6.50 The Best 7.20 Scrum V Live: Swansea v Neath 9.30 Horizon: What Sank the Kursk? Documentary following scientists as they piece together clues about the cause of the Kursk submarine disaster, in which all 118 crew members were killed.

Blame the Yanks and then hijack some nuclear weapons, if the movies have taught me anything...

10.20 A foot Again in the Past 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Trading Places 11.50 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 Open University: Persisting Dreams 1.20 Ever Wondered?

1.30 Women and Allegory: Gender and Sculpture in Two Societies 2.00 Secondary Schools: Geography 4.00 Espana Viva 5.00 Working in Engineering: Mind Your Own Business

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Real Dad's Army 8.00 Barbara 8.30 Sweet Charity 9.00 Real Crime: Crocodile Tears 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 England's World Cup Showdowns: 1986 - If god was on your side Diego, how come he let you become a fat bastard? Maradonna also has the smallest penis ever. No honestly, I’ve seen the photos...

10.50 The Ferret 11.20 HTV News 11.30 Top Sport 12.00 Storm Force 12.35 Pink in Profile 1.05 FILM: The Pickle Film-making comedy about a down-on-his-luck director who, in the wake of a series of flops, takes up his only remaining option – to direct a low-budget teenage sci-fi flick about a flying pickle.

Not really his last option, I reckon starring with your mum in your own porn film would be last option, but we’ll have to wait for Lars Von Trier to do that one.

2.45 World Sport 3.10 The Big Match Replayed 3.50 ITV Nightscreen

10.00 Pen Tennyn 10.30 Sex on TV 11.35 V Graham 12.05 Tourist Police 12.35 Wasted 1.35 FILM: McLintock! 3.55 The Great Train Robbery

6.00 Home and Away Gypsy has a hot date. With a fire eater. In Spain. In July.

6.30 Family Affairs Jessica is jealous of Jude's incessant flirting. Fnarr? Who cares anyway?

7.00 5th Gear Motoring Featuring the Pagani Zonda which could be a car I reckon. Look, just because I like footie doesn’t mean I’m a masculine stereotype, although I’m well butch...

7.30 5 News 7.35 Football on 5: Leeds United v Celtic 9.50 5 News 10.00 FILM: Murphy's Law A hard-bitten cop finds himself on the wrong side of the law when he is knocked unconscious and wakes to find his estranged wife and her lover have been murdered. He then makes friends with ex-criminal and together they become allies to clear his own name and then...blah blah blah cliche blah blah etc.

12.00 La Femme Nikita 12.50 NFL Europe 1.15 NHL Ice Hockey Live 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay Space filler quote: “That’s like if Craig Charles’s cock fell off.” Quite. I can’t put it into context at all, just overheard it from News desk.

Daytime Evening

CHOICE Football: Against the Wall BBC 1, 11.05 pm Interesting, as a Bond villan might say. With the collapse of ITV Digital the harsh reality is that it could mean the end of smaller clubs like Bury, but can anything be done to save

CH4. As S4C except:12.30 Cheers 1.00 Montel 1.35 Channel 4 at theraces 1.55 Joseph Heler Cheshire 2.25 Stanley Racing Stakes (H'cap). 2.55 Victor Chandler Chester Vase.

3.25 Walker Smith and Way Stakes (H'cap).

3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Kids On... Violence 8.00 The Tower: Tower Top Brass 9.00 The Edwardian Country House 10.00 Sex on TV “How dare you steal our ethos”, yell Channel 5. Alas nobody hears them over their self produced static...

11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 Tourist Police: 12.05 Teachers 1.05 The Gold-digger 2.05 FILM: Royal Flash 3.45 Football Italia: 5.30 Powerhouse

footie as we know it? Perhaps this program might offer some intersting solutions. Perhaps Manchester United might offer to support Bury with their massive profits? Though I doubt it.

England’s World Cup Showdowns: 1986 ITV, 10.20 pm

Football: against the Wall BBC1 11.05pm

Rough Science BBC2 7.30pm

Sweet Charity ITV1 8.30pm

The Edwardian Country House C4 9.00pm

Tuesday 7th May

HTV

Today’s Highlights

BBC 2

BBC 1

13

Ok, I know this is a Welsh paper but this is my personal TV choice so don’t get offended English-haters, from whatever creed you decend. Lets all become united in mirth at the sight of the fat-arsed mad fool Maradonna’s become. Still his goal against England in this match has to rate as one of the best goals ever. But then he also cheated with the “hand of God” in the same match. Git.

Television

14

8 May

Wednesday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Trading Up in the Sun 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 The Enemy Within 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 UBOS 4.35 Even Stevens 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Harold gets himself a hospital roommate. A slightly traumatic ‘fnarr’for Harold and his wobbly jowls, then.

6.00 Development Aid 6.30 Strike a Light 7.00 Ocean Odyssey 7.25 Histeria 7.45 Get Your Own Back 8.15 Bob the Builder 8.25 Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 It's a Wrap 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Hit and Miss 11.35 Cats' Eyes 11.50 Hands Up!12.05 Pod's Mission 12.20 Maths Challenge 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bob the Builder 1.10 William's Wish Wellingtons 1.15 FILM: 7 Women 2.40 Assembly 3.50 News 4.00 UltimateGardens 4.25 Afoot Again in the Past 4.30 Ready Steady Cook

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.25 Maisy 3.30 Preston Pig 3.45 Butt-Ugly Martians 4.15 Star Street 4.40 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Never Had It So Good Matthew Kelly presents the quiz show which looks at the best TV shows, music, adverts and famous faces from the last few decades. Like, not his. 5.30 Crossroads

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 I Dream of Jeannie 10.00 FILM: They Drive by Night 11.50 My Eden 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Caio 12.35 Planed Plant: Caffi Sali Mali 12.50 Planed Plant: Mymryn Bach 1.00 Countdown 1.45 Channel 4 attheraces from Chester 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 SuperTed 4.10 Y Consuriwr 4.40 Sgorio Bach 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Y Clwb Rygbi: Casnewydd v Pontypridd

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 HouseBusters 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Anatomy of a Crime 5.25 Kylie Jukebox Viewers choose their favourite Kylie video. ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’, by a mile.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Tomorrow's World 7.30 Weakest Link 8.15 This Is Your Life 8.45 Jet Set Departure Lounge 9.00 Queen and Country: Private Passions Futile attempt to drum up mild enthusiasm for the whole Jubilee thing. This edition focuses on the Queen's favourite pastimes including horse-racing - and reveals how she deals with problems in her own family.

Guillotine ‘em all! Oh, sorry - thought that said ‘problem of her own family’. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Ellen MacArthur: Life on Land 11.15 FILM: BitterSweet 12.55 Sign Zone: Tomorrow's World Live Things That Make Us Stressed: buying fresh fruit in a bid to be healthy and good, then watching as it gradually rots away uneaten.

1.25 Sign Zone: Holiday on a Shoestring 1.55 Sign Zone: UK's Worst...

Landlords? 2.25 Sign Zone: Weird Nature Sophie EllisBextor and her pumpkinshaped head. 2.55 Sign Zone: The Toughest Job in Britain 3.25 Sign Zone: Ice Dogs 3.55 Joins BBC News 24

5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 Star Trek: Voyager Sci-fi drama series.

7.05 TOTP2 Featuring Stevie Wonder, Simply Red, Cilla Black, the Chimes, the Jam, the Cult and the Blasters.

Legend, ghastly, petrifying, who?, overrated, crap and who? Prolly not worth tuning in then. 7.30 Match of the Day Live: UEFA Cup Final “A Mickey Mouse trophy which hasn’t been a real competition since Arsenal lost to Galatasaray”, sniffs Sports Desk. 9.50 The First World Cup 10.00 World Rally: Foot in the Door 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Trading Places: Studio Floor for Door-to-Door Jamie Theakston narrates a series in which two people swap their usual roles for a week. He can claim that his brothel incident was ‘just research’, then. 11.50 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Unusual Suspects 1.00 Declining Citizenship 1.30 Containing the Pacific 2.00 Secondary Schools: Expressive Arts 4.00 Languages: The French Experience 2, 3-6 5.00 Working in Engineering

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Nicola learns the error of her ways. Maggie gets offended when Chris questions her professional judgement.

Tricia is eager to get her hands on Marlon's prize money. There’s a ‘fnarr’ in each of those sentences if you think hard enough... 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 FILM: The Nutty Professor ‘Comedy’, it says here.

Believe them at your peril.

Eddie Murphy is a tragically unfunny fool and someday, people will realise this.

Hopefully, someday very soon. 9.45 Survivor The people on this are mingers.

Surely that contravenes some sort of reality TV rule? 10.45 ITV News at Ten 11.05 The Premiership 11.35 HTV News 11.45 Survivor: The Last Word 12.15 FILM: Inventing the Abbotts Has Liv Tyler and Joaquin Phoenix in it. May or may not be good. 2.10 Coach 2.35 ITV at the Festivals Footage of Gomez and Super Furry Animals at last year’s Reading Festival. OK-ish, but not worth staying up for. 3.30 2002 FIFA World Cup 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

9.30 Newyddion 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Teachers 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 Jackass 12.35 Flash 1.35 FILM: Blue Murder at St Trinian's 3.10 Football Italia CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 12.30 Cheers 1.00 Montel 1.35 Channel 4 attheraces from Chester 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Smallville 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Kids On... Crime Children from Glasgow and Salford air their views on crime. Nasty little fuckers.

Oh look, there goes the presenter’s mobile phone.

8.00 Brookside 8.30 Selling Houses 9.00 ER 10.00 Teachers 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 Ally McBeal 12.30 Strippers 1.00 Affairs of the Heart Clinical psychologist Oliver James attempts to find out if a long and happy marriage is still a realistic ideal or simply the stuff of dreams. Stuff of nightmares, more like. 1.55 Private Lives of the Pharaohs: Sex, Death and the Lotus 2.45 Bewitched 3.40 Sacred Weeds: The Fly Agaric Mushroom 4.30 Powerhouse 4.55 Vee-TV 5.20 Countdown

5.30 5 News 6.00 Home and Away Leah finds that Alf and Colleen were putting on an act for her benefit. Fnarr!

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Toyota World of Wildlife: Mysteries 7.30 5 News 8.00 FILM: In Love and War All of TV Desk’s acquaintances who’ve seen this fell asleep during it. So unless you need an early night, avoid. 10.10 FILM: Rosewood Know nothing about this, but it’s directed by John Singleton so expect an above-average Issues Film. 12.50 NHL Ice Hockey Live Courtney Love update: the judge in the Nirvana copyright case has ruled that she doesn’t have to prove her sanity, as it would ‘create an unnecessarily circus-like atmosphere’ around proceedings. A circus-like atmosphere around Courtney? Never!

4.10 European Seniors Tour Golf This week, TV Desk loves: ‘Sunglasses At Night’, the new Eminem single and red wine. TV Desk hates: thick people, fat people and babies. Especially screaming ones. The campaign for kids’ mouths to be gaffa-taped shut in public begins here. Oh yes, and we fucking detest Jean-Marie Le Pen. 5.00 Australian Rules Football

Ellen MacArthur: Life on Land BBC1 10.35pm

Match of teh Day Live BBC2 7.30pm

Survivor ITV1 9.45pm

Selling Houses C4 8.30pm

CHOICE Affairs Of The Heart Channel 4, 1am Not late-night soft-porn as you’d expect from the title, but a documentary on attitudes towards infidelity and marriage.

Which should be interesting, given that the latter is the most overrated institution of our time and the former an

unremarkable fact of life which has been stigmatised to a ridiculous extent by the relationship harpies. The fact that so many people can’t cope with their partner’s sexual infidelity seems to reflect the fact that, for most, relationships are about self-validation rather than false notions of ‘love’; since when has fucking around been mutually exclusive with emotional attachment to someone else?

Meanwhile, the sanctification of marriage

is at best illogical, given the divorce rate, and at worst actively harmful, in that it brainwashes people into believing they need to belong in a self-contained unit of two in order to have a valid place in society. The cult of the relationship continues to stagger on with all its constraints, limitations and inadequacies intact; enter into one at your peril. And apart from anything else, it’s just much more fun to be unattached.

Wednesday 8th May

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

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Television

15

9 May

Thursday

Daytime

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Trading Up in the Sun 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 The Enemy Within 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 International Golf 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 There's a Viking in My Bed 4.35 Jackie Chan Adventures 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Leo helps Matt stay undercover. Harold and Lou find it hard to share a room. Double fnarr! Well done, Neighbours!

6.00 Open University 6.30 Alaska - The Last Frontier?

7.00 CBBC: Chuck Finn 7.25 Histeria 7.45 Blue Peter 8.15 CBeebies: Andy Pandy 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Hotch Potch House 11.10 Look and Read 11.30 Zig Zag 11.50 Landmarks 12.10 Focus - Band Aid 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Andy Pandy 1.10 International Golf 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.30 International Golf 5.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.25 Maisy 3.30 Preston Pig 3.45 Sitting Ducks 4.15 Mystery Indeed it is. 4.35 Weirdsister College: The Further Adventures of the Worst Witch 5.05 Never Had It So Good 5.30 Crossroads Tracey consults her solicitor about divorcing Jake. Silly bint – can’t even decide on her own.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 I Dream of Jeannie 10.00 FILM: Mystery Street 11.45 Encounters 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Sam Tan 12.45 Planed Plant: Sgerbyde 12.50 Planed Plant: Miffi 1.00 Countdown 1.45 Channel 4 attheraces from Chester 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Y Dewin 4.20 Popty 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Mae'r Byd yn Grwn: Yr Hen a Wyr 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Profiad 8.30 Tipyn O Stad

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 HouseBusters 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Gunsmoke III - To the Last Man 5.25 Kylie Jukebox Or ‘Where The Wild Roses Grow’. Everyone loves Kylie, don’t they?

6.00 BBC News Overheard at All Tomorrow’s Parties: ‘Fucking hell, Godspeed You Black Emperor! have refused their lunch because it was the wrong sort of lentils’. 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Animal Hospital 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 UK's Worst... Rail Operators? 8.30 Weird Nature: Peculiar Potions 9.00 MacIntyre Investigates: Vice Donald MacIntyre goes undercover to expose the slave trade that is operating at the heart of the sex industry in Britain. Is the twat going to pose as a prostitute, then? 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 FILM: Traitor Within 1.50 Sign Zone: 4 x 4 Reports 2.20 Joins BBC News 24 So, Charlotte Church - who was surprisingly ace on Have I Got News For You - has been named the Rear of the Year; the ghastly, paedophile – baiting S Club Juniors (‘we prove you don’t have to go to school to be successful’) have been foisted on the world; French poptart Alizee, 15, has released a (fab) song called ‘Moi Lolita’. Yup, paedophilia seems the be the trend of 2002.

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Reading the Ruins This edition focuses on Wales in the Dark Age. Still in the Dark Age, if you ask me. 8.00 Dragon's Eye 8.30 Panic Mechanics 9.00 Jordan: The Truth about Me 9.50 Crime Kids: Murder on Hungerford Bridge Why are people surprised that kids can be nasty little fuckers? Think about it – when was the last time you met a child you actually liked? 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Rugby Special 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Blue Sky 12.35 Truth Will Out 12.50 Hollywood Science 1.00 Final Frontier 1.35 Lab Detectives 1.50 What Have the 60s Ever Done for Us? They’ve given us Joni Mitchell and the Beatles. But also a load of peace-and-love hippie shite. 2.00 A Thread of Quicksilver 2.30 The Mother of All Collisions 3.00 Maiden Flights 3.30 Curriculum Development: Teaching Today 4.00 Languages: The French Experience 2, 7-10 5.00 Working in Engineering: The Future

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Tony makes Scott a dangerous proposal he can't refuse. Fnarr! 7.30 Wales This Week Rainy.

Quelle surprise. 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Bad Girls have more fun. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned Gah – Skinner on Radio 1 was the first thing I heard today. Not the most pleasant thing to wake up to. Is it possible for a man to be any less funny?

And there’s a complete lack of sex appeal going on, too the man looks like he’s been set on fire. And then put out with a spade. 11.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 11.30 Night and Day Meant to be completely nutbag and the UK equivalent of Sunset Beach – but there still won’t be a second series. 12.40 Dharma and Greg 1.05 Riders and Rich Kids 1.30 CD:UK 2.20 Cybernet 2.50 Motorsport UK 3.15 2002 FIFA World Cup 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News ‘Jessica, your eyes are like spanners – every time I see them my nuts tighten’ – comment posted on Liberty X website.

9.00 Selling Houses 9.30 Brookside 10.30 Procar Poeth 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 Daisy Daisy 12.05 Football's Fight Club 1.05 The Book Group 1.35 Strippers 2.05 Make My Day 2.35 Hypnosex 3.05 FILM: Daleks - Invasion Earth 2150 AD 4.40 Third Watch CH4. As S4C except: 12.30 Cheers 1.00 Montel Dr Jinger Heath talks about hormonal changes in teenage girls. Oh my days! That’s his real name! 1.35 Channel 4 attheraces from Chester 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Kids on...

Punishment 8.00 Brookside 9.00 Football Stories: Beckham and the Battle with Argentina 10.00 Friends 10.30 Daisy Daisy 11.35 South Park 12.00 The Book Group 12.35 Does Doug Know? Is this Daisy Donovan night or something?

1.00 First Person: Stairway to Heaven 1.30 Personal Services: Give the Dog a Home their 2.05 Home 2.10 Trans World Sport 3.05 Football Italia: Mezzanotte 4.50 Powerhouse 5.15 Countdown

5.30 5 News 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Paul presses Vince to reach a decision. The best of a poor selection tonight. What with Neighbours and all, it’s clear that BBC1 is well ahead in the ‘fnarr’ stakes. 7.00 The Pepsi Chart 7.30 5 News 8.00 Life Doctor: John Selfhelp bollocks for incompetents who can’t sort their own lives out. 8.30 Stark Naked: Naked in the Desert Not a pleasant thought at all – too many places for sand to go. 9.00 FILM: V I Warshawski 10.50 Sex and Shopping A look at lesbian scenes in porn films asking why men find them so appealing. They could have stopped that sentence after the word ‘films’. 11.20 Sex and Shopping This programme features five male hard-core porn actors talking candidly about their work. Five in half an hour – awesome! 11.50 Red Shoe Diaries Stories of obsession, eroticism and love. Ah, Channel 5. It’s an institution, you know. 12.20 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.50 Dutch Football 2.25 Leeds United v Celtic 3.55 River Plate v Chacarita 5.35 Motorsport Mundial

Eastenders BBC1 7.30pm

Panic Mechanics BBC2 8.00pm

Bad Girls ITV1 9.00pm

Today’s Highlights

Evening

BBC 1

Football Stories C4 9.00pm

CHOICE Jordan: The Truth About Me BBC2, 9pm This is not a recommendation; think of it, rather, as a warning. Because, you see, watching this – even out of curiosity, even if you utterly despise the dumb bint – is to give

her what she wants, as they say in porn films. Jordan is, quite frankly, the living proof of how crap our celebrity culture is: while not one intelligent person is able to take her seriously, she’s still judged to be ‘compelling’ enough for a documentary like this to be commissioned. It’s been suggested that she deserves our pity, rather than our scorn; certainly when even Victoria Beckham can

look down on you (reportedly chanting ‘who let the dogs out?’ at her), there isn’t much lower you can go. But she’s brought it all on herself, frankly, and seems to be unable to learn that with every FHM photo shoot and every breast enlargement she merely becomes more of a laughing stock. Don’t expect any personal revelations: the girl’s as shallow as the culture which made her.

Television

16

10 May

Friday

Evening

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Trading Up in the Sun 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 The Enemy Within 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.20 S Club Juniors: The Story 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 5.00 Really Wild Show 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Harold admits how he feels about Rosie. Ahh, dib dib ahh fnarr

6.00 O U: Venus Unveiled 6.30 Healing the Whole 7.00 Ocean Odyssey 7.25 Histeria 7.45 Short Change 8.15 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Punch the Clock 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures 11.35 Watch 11.50 Zig Zag 12.10 Landmarks 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00Pablo, the Little Red Fox 1.10 International Golf 5.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Your Century 2.10 Village People 2.40 Get Gardening 3.10 ITV News 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.25 Maisy 3.30 Preston Pig 3.45 Butt-Ugly Martians 4.15 Star Street 4.40 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Never Had It So Good With Rowland Rivron and Fred Dinenage. Spot the irony kids.

5.30 Catchphrase

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 I Dream of Jeannie 10.00 FILM: You'll Never Get Rich Weepie about students who kiss goodbye to their degrees by devoting all their time to filling blank spaces in student papers.

11.35 Supporting Acts 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Pot Mel 1.00 Planed Plant: Clwc 1.15 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Uned 5 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 HouseBusters 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Old Man 5.25 Kylie Jukebox 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 The Toughest Job in Britain Jeremy Spake meets a journeyman boxer, an NHS chiropodist, and a female long-distance lorry driver.

7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 The Bench 9.00 Alistair McGowan's Big Impression 9.30 Blackadder II 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Guests include former Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne, broadcaster Zoe Ball and veteran actor John Mills. Awesome, can’t wait for The Osbournes. Set to be even better than Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps.

11.20 Have I Got News for You 11.50 FILM: Murder in the First With Kevin Bacon and Christian Slater.

1.50 FILM: Kuffs With Christian Slater and Milla Jovovich. Anyone know anything about this? It may feature a dog? “No, but I’ve seen K-9.” That’s good enough for me.

3.25 Joins BBC News 24

Features Ralph Little star of the worst programme everrr, Two Pints Of Lager & A Packet Of Crisps. A GCSE Media Studies project if ever there was one.

6.00 The New Adventures of Superman 6.45 Scrum V Live: Cardiff v Llanelli 9.00 Gardeners' World 9.30 Timewatch: Battle for Berlin 10.20 Afoot Again in the Past 10.30 Newsnight With Kirsty Wark.

11.00 Newsnight Review Kirsty Wark discusses the highs and lows of the cultural week with Germaine Greer, Mark Kermode and Alkarim Jivani. Is it so wrong to fancy Germaine Greer? Gutted.

Still, she shagged John Peel.

Don’t think about it too long.

It hurts.

11.35 Later with Jools Holland Featuring Bryan Ferry, Misteeq, R & B artist Glenn Lewis, and rock band Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Ferry, you’re a fuppin legend. BRMC, yo jus shit.

12.40 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.25 FILM: The Hellfire Club 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Expressive Arts

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Confessions of... a Domestic In this edition, cleaners, nannies and butlers confess their sins. Fadder, ey haven’t been te Mass for 3 weeks an ey’ve bin havin carnal torrghts about Germaine Greer.

8.30 Inspector Morse: Fat Chance Bring on the rave episode!

10.30 Tarrant on TV Even greater waste of space than Eamonn Holmes. Could even be the new Jamie Oliver 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 The Comedy Show 12.00 Ghost Stories 12.30 Dial-a-Date 1.00 Dare to Believe 1.30 Veronica's Closet 1.55 Box Office America 2.20 Errol Brown - In Profile 2.50 Mixmasters 3.15 World Football 3.40 Trisha 4.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Bizarrely, the snooker’s finished but there’s still more holes to fill than Kiwi’s on a Sunday night.

6.00 Newyddion 6 News.

6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Copish 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Tic Toc 8.30 Pawb a'i Farn 9.30 Father Ted 10.00 Brookside 10.35 Frasier 11.05 Frasier 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 South Park 12.35 Passengers 1.05 FILM: Ed Wood

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Tim Marlow on Matisse 7.30 5 News 8.00 Where Do We Come From?: Into the Blue Storks and gooseberry bushes.

9.00 FILM: Moment of Truth: Stalking Back 11.00 FILM: Allyson Is Watching Erotic thriller about a sexy young actress who starts spying on her neighbour for tips on playing a hooker. Crappest excuse for voyeurism evverr.

12.55 FILM: Rachel,Rachel 2.40 FILM: The Priest's Wife With Sophia Loren and Marcello Mastroianni. Dark comedy drama about a depressed pop singer who tries to convince a priest to violate his vow of celibacy and marry her. He, meanwhile, is tortured by pangs of guilt over the sexual impulses he begins to experience and wonders if castration may be the solution to his conflict. Not the solution I’d choose.

Loren’s even hotter than Germaine Greer. Bit of a classic this.

4.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.25 Two 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 12.30 Cheers 1.00 Cheers 1.30 FILM: Guadalcanal Diary 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Possessed 8.00 So You Think You Want... Hair Whaaat? 8.30 Brookside 9.00 Father Ted 9.30 The Book Group 10.00 Frasier 10.30 Frasier 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 Jackass 12.00 Passengers 12.35 Daisy Daisy 1.05 Onedottv 1.35 FILM: Space Master X-7 2.45 Inferno 3.15 Third Watch 4.05 Third Watch 4.50 Powerhouse 5.15 Countdown

Alistair McGowan’s Big Impression BBC1 9.00pm

The Curious Gardeners BBC2 8.00pm

Confessions 0f...a Domestic ITV1 8.00pm

Brookside C4 8.30pm

CHOICE Friday Night With Jonathan Ross BBC 1, 10.35 pm Ozzy Osbourne, you’re a saviour. Can’t think of anything else to recommend.

Ozzy’s always been good value but this should offer a taster of the awsome ‘The

Osbournes’ which transfers from MTV to Ch.4 on May 24.

“Dad! You’re other fucking daughter has booked me an appointment to get my fucking vagina examined!”

“Don’t worry love, I’ll go instead of you.”

Aahhrgg, it’s gonna make TV worth watching for once. You’ve got to love a man who tattooed upside-down smiley faces on his knees so he’d have

something to cheer him up when he woke up in the morning.

Friday 10th May

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

Later With Jools Holland BBC 2, 11.35 pm The retarded among you will watch this for Black Rebel Motorcycle Club but really you should be watching for style mentor Bryan Ferry. Shame his single’s shite.

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Television

17

11 May

Saturday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

7.00 Spot's Musical Adventures 7.10 The Shiny Show 7.30 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.45 The Genie from Down Under 8.10 Yvon of the Yukon 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.10 British Superbikes 2.30 International Golf 3.45 Football Half-Times 3.55 Boxing 4.30 Wales on Saturday 5.15 BBC News; Weather 5.25 Wales Today 5.30 My Hero Noel Gardner

7.00 Weekend 24 8.15 See Hear on Saturday 9.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 12.00 The Phil Silvers Show 12.25 FILM: Five Graves to Cairo 2.00 FILM: Sunset Boulevard Camp 3.45 International Golf 6.35 Trade Secrets Professionals share the tricks of their trades. Tips for golfers, including how to perfect your swing using a couple of bricks and a torch.

What is this? How 2?

Have to bear with me without a drink. Listings look to be more informative than normal. It’s not like

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.00 CD:UK 11.30 F1: Austrian Grand Prix Qualifying Live 1.15 ITV News; Weather 1.20 HTV News and Weather 1.25 On the Ball 2.45 British Touring Cars 3.45 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News and Weather 5.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.25 Lily Savage's Blankety Blank Gutted that Thatcher isn’t dead yet. Maybe I’m losing my touch. Still, give it time. Meanwhile I’m concentrating my efforts on

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 Blue's Clues 7.05 F3 on 4 7.30 Ascar 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sporting Talk 10.30 Cricket Roadshow 11.30 The Fugitive 12.20 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 1.10 Stargate SG-1 2.00 Channel 4 attheraces 4.30 World Rally Shakedown 5.00 Newyddion News.

5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Casnewydd v Penybont Live rugby coverage from Rodney Parade as Newport take on Bridgend. That’s for you, Dr Fox. Bilingual as well.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 8.00 Klootz 8.05 Fat Dog Mendoza 8.30 Mega Babies 8.55 The Powerpuff Girls 9.20 Xcalibur 9.50 Max Steel 10.20 Animal Xtremes 10.35 Xena: Warrior Princess 11.30 Zoe 12.00 5 News Saturday 12.15 The Pepsi Chart 12.45 Popular 1.40 The Tribe 2.40 Home and Away Omnibus 4.45 Kylie Minogue Top 10 5.20 FILM: Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire

6.00 Friends like These Boys from Mountain Ash is it butty?

6.55 The Waiting Game 7.35 The National Lottery Jet Set Awesome effort from Eamonn Holmes on the radio last week. Interviewing Eve Ensler about The Vagina Monologues except he couldn’t quite bring himself to say ‘vagina’ on air.

8.10 Test the Nation: The National IQ Test Christ, this could be painful. Reminds me of when we had the Millionaire demo in the shop where I worked. Never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

Question: On what part of the body are contact lenses worn? A. Eyes, B. Chin, C. Elbows and D. Ears. Guy takes a 50:50 and ended up with chin. No lie.

9.35 BBC News; Weather 10.05 Test the Nation: The National IQ Test Fools come back for seconds.

11.15 FILM: Staggered Martin Clunes japery.

12.50 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 1.35 Top of the Pops 2.05 Joins BBC News 24 Gutted! Games Room won’t let me bring lash up to the office any more. How can I work in these conditions?

they’re usually funny or anything. Sorry and all.

6.45 Hollywood Greats: Robert Mitchum Awesome!

See Choice of the day.

7.25 FILM: A Thunder of Drums Stars the rich man’s David Dickinson, George Hamilton.

9.00 Dickens: Secrets Secretly, he was crap and ripped off Dostoevsky.

10.00 The Stanford Prison Experiment Could be quite good as it’s about the notorious experiment which had to be abanded when relations between ‘prisoners’ and ‘guards’ got too nasty.

Who’d have thought students held violent impulses towards each other as well as Jamie Oliver?

10.30 Have I Got News for You Guests include celebrity arch-cunt Matthew Wright.

11.00 24 Haven’t followed this but apparently fleet car salesman Dennis Hopper’s signed up for the last five episodes. He may be a baddy.

11.40 24 Er, ditto 12.25 FILM: Lady in the Lake With Robert Montgomery and Audrey Totter. Private Dick shenanigans.

3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Maths 1

Chris Tarrant.

6.00 New You've Been Framed!

6.55 The Vault Davina McCall presents.

7.40 Barbara 8.10 Stars in Their Eyes Coronation Street Special 9.10 Ant and Dec in a Tribute to the Likely Lads Contemporary remake of `No Hiding Place', the classic 1973 episode of `Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?'. This is someone’s ideas of a joke right? Like a priest once said to me, Dec looks like he’s the one on the receiving end.

9.50 2DTV 10.00 ITV Weekend News 10.15 The Premiership 11.45 Survivor 12.45 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 1.15 FILM: The War Lord Stars Charlton Heston. “It’s nothing to do with guns. It’s the school’s fault for allowing long coats.

Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to hide their guns and massacre schoolkids.”

Awesome effort.

3.20 Dial-a-Date 3.45 Popped in, Crashed Out 4.10 Box Office America 4.40 Cybernet 5.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV News

7.15 Tipyn O Stad Omnibws 8.15 Noson Lawen I'w Chofio 9.20 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 9.35 Football Stories: When Bobby Moore Met Jimmy Greaves 10.35 Father Ted 11.05 Top Ten TV - Queens of Soap 12.40 FILM: The Missionary 2.15 FILM: Sword of Sherwood Forest 3.40 FILM: Adam Had Four Sons

6.50 Charmed 7.45 Kylie: Spinning 8.45 5 News and Sport 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Law and Order A murder investigation is launched when a torso is discovered. Well, you’d hope so wouldn’t you?

10.55 Murder Detectives: Ties that Bind 11.25 The Jerry Atrick Show 11.55 Making the Cut 1.45 FILM: The Strangler Film about er, a strangler.

3.10 FILM: The Magic Kid 2 With Ted Jan Roberts and Don Gibb. (Comedy, 1994) Family comedy about a 12year-old martial arts expert who has his own hit TV show. When he leaves the programme in order to lead a more normal life, the boy soon discovers that the TV executives have other ideas.

Family comedy? 3.10 am?

Don’t tell us you’ve run out of softer than soft porn? Just as well really, my sight’s gone and I’ve had to start shaving my palms. I’d be gutted if I was me.

4.40 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 5.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.35 Sons and Daughters

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 6.05 Ivor the Engine Awesome!

11.30 World Rally Shakedown 12.00 Vee-TV 12.30 Little House on the Prairie 1.30 King of the Hill 4.35 The Science of Secrecy: The Cipher of Mary Queen of Scots 5.05 Brookside 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Channel 4 Gospel Singers of the Year 9.00 FILM: Brassed Off 12.40 FILM: Whore Directed by Ken Russell 2.15 FILM: The Big Heat Directed be Fritz Lang 3.45 Dark Skies 4.35 Code Name: Eternity 5.25 Countdown

Casualty BBC1 8.10pm

Have I Got News For You BBC2 10.30pm

Blind Date ITV1 7.10pm

CSI C5 9.00pm

CHOICE Hollywood Great: Robert Mitchum BBC 2, 6.45 pm As you may have noticed, we’re a bit too fond of the word ‘legend’ here but for once, it’s justified. If only because he proposed to

his wife by producing a ring, saying “Stick with me doll and you’ll be farting through silk”. Hopefully, they’ll also show his drug bust for dope. Full marks to the boys from Java for using a picture of his arrest on their posters. Upon his release from the prison gates, he lit up a spliff and was joined by two blonde lovelies just for the benefit of the next day’s front pages.

Saturday 11th May

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

As they say, fame came late to Bob after he spent years riding boxcars as a hobo, where he developed a taste for the weed growing by the rails since whiskey was too expensive. Which just about sums him up.

Oh yeah, and he was probably the best actor to appear on screen. Just see Night Of The Hunter. Though to his credit, Bob just didn’t give a shit.

Television

18

12 May

Sunday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 The Cruise 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 1.05 Keeping Up Appearances 1.35 FILM: Superman III 3.35 EastEnders 5.30 Points of View 5.45 BBC News; Weather 6.05 Regional News Did you know that Rachel S Club was going to be the original Lolly (ah, the memories of ‘Viva La Radio’)? But she turned it down, saying she didn’t want to be a naff pop act which appealed to pre-teens, and opted instead to join, er, S Club 7.

7.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 7.45 CBBC: The Genie from Down Under 8.10 The Raccoons 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 Yvon of the Yukon 9.25 Super Duper Sumos 9.45 S Club Juniors: The Story 10.00 S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin' 10.25 Even Stevens 10.50 Kenan and Kel 11.15 Star Trek 12.10 Star Trek 12.50 Afoot Again in the Past 1.00 The Pop Factory 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 World Superbikes 2.20 International Golf Remember to email us your rants and ramblings at grtvdesk@hotmail.com – it gives us something to do when bored.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.25 Stuff One of these days I may watch this just to find out what this ‘stuff ’ is they talk of. Or, um, maybe I won’t be arsed. 10.50 My Favourite Hymns 11.50 ITV News; Weather 12.00 HTV News and Weather 12.05 F1: Austrian Grand Prix Live 3.05 Nationwide League Division One Play-off Final 5.35 Waterfront 6.05 HTV News and Weather I don’t think I can take this any more. Real Radio have played Travis not once but twice in the past few hours – it’s more than a boy can bear, frankly.

6.20 The Hoobs 6.45 The Hoobs 7.10 The Players 7.35 The Players 8.05 VeeTV 8.35 Taina 9.00 As If 9.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 11.30 4 Trac 12.00 Rownd a Rownd 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Brookside 3.55 Tales from the Grave 4.25 Maniffesto 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Ryan a Ronnie 9.05 Pen Tennyn 9.35 Newyddion 9.50 FILM: One Fine Day Ickily sentimental romantic ‘comedy’ with Michelle Pfeiffer and Mr Ming himself, George Clooney.

OK if you’re bored though.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 It's Your Funeral 7.00 Beachcomber Bay 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.05 Adventures from the Book of Virtues Adventure and virtue just don’t go together. Any adventure worth having will always be debauched and sinful. 8.35 Babar 9.05 Wishbone 9.35 Redwall 10.05 Pet Project 10.35 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 11.30 FAQ 12.00 You Know What I'm Saying 12.30 5 News 12.40 Daria 1.05 Agrippine 1.35 Night Fever 2.30 Family Affairs 4.45 5 News 5.00 FILM: Innerspace

6.10 Songs of Praise Olympic gold medallist Jonathan Edwards introduces the programme from Tyneside. He may be a great sportsman, but no fundamentalist Christian will ever get respect from TV Desk. 6.45 Antiques Roadshow 7.30 Ground Force I’m sure this didn’t use to be on a Sunday. Stop confusing me. 8.00 Born and Bred 9.00 Auf Wiedersehen, Pet ‘One of the best ‘80s comedy dramas there is’, declares Dr Fox excitedly. You’ll have to take his word for it, I’ve never seen it. Too young for it.

Although apparently it was Jimmy Nail’s first ever role, and (again apparently) he was good in it. Hmm. 10.00 BBC News 10.15 Panorama: Please Help Me Die See Preview. 10.55 FILM: Silkwood As in Milkwood? Prolly not, it’s about a nuclear plant. With Meryl Streep though, which has to be a good thing. 1.10 Joins BBC News 24 Let us mourn the sad passing of Lisa Lopes, uber-talented TLC rapper who brought true rock’n’roll spirit to R’n’B. Things will, ahem, never be the same again. Boom and indeed boom.

6.25 Scrum V 7.15 The Ghost of Captain Yin: A Julian O'Halloran Investigation 8.00 Raised by the State 9.00 Hooligans: No One Likes Us ‘Reminds me of the old days’, sighs a nostalgic Dr Fox. 10.00 24 Bollocks – keep missing this and so have no idea how the plot’s going, or what hour we’ve reached, or indeed anything. Gah. 10.45 The X Files 11.30 Room 101 Comedian Alexei Sayle votes to ditch the general public.

Oh my days – we were talking about what we’d put in Room 101 and I chose the general public too! I have a soulmate! ‘I’ve met the man in the street, and he’s a cunt’ – Johnny Rotten. 12.00 Later with Jools Holland Ooh, a repeat – fantastic, seeing as I’ll be missing the Friday episode to go to the Media Awards. Which will be, frankly, the only place to be, darlings – anyone who’s anyone in this university will be there. 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Maths 2 4.00 Talk Spanish 1-2/Spain Inside Out 1 - Madrid, Granada and the Sierra Nevada 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism: The Guide

6.15 Presenters 6.45 ITV News; Weather 7.00 Wish You Were Here...? 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Where the Heart Is Left hand side of chest, near the lungs. I think. Is it near the ribs too? 9.00 The Forsyte Saga 10.35 ITV Weekend News 10.45 2DTV 10.55 The South Bank Show A profile of the chart-topping rock band REM. Awesome – they’ve had their ups and downs (currently in one of their downs - Reveal is a frankly dull LP), but they’re still a fab band, and Michael Stipe one of the great rock voices of the ‘90s. 11.55 F1: Austrian Grand Prix Highlights 1.00 FILM: The Innocent Directed by the bint who did Deep Impact and with Kelsey Grammer, aka Frasier. Make up your own minds, and bear in mind how bad sitcom stars are away from their series. 2.40 My Favourite Hymns 3.40 Motorsport UK 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News OK, mourning’s over – time for some sick Lisa Lopes jokes.

Lisa and Aaliyah meet in heaven. Aaliyah: ‘Nice halo, girl!’ Lisa (grumpily): ‘That’s not a halo, bitch, that’s a steering wheel’.

11.50 Fifty Greatest Magic Tricks 1.55 FILM: The Battle of Britain 4.25 Possessed CH4. As S4C except: 6.10 Grabbit the Rabbit 7.10 Blue's Clues 7.35 The Kids from Room 402 8.00 Totally Spies 8.30 Malibu 9.00 Taina 9.30 Popworld 10.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 As If Nicki's dad isn't the only one going down. Does this programme specialise in fnarr-friendly plotlines? 1.15 The Players 1.50 Jennifer Lopez – Live in Concert The multi-platinum singer and actress in concert in her native Puerto Rico with a 10piece band and a troupe of 11 dancers. But oddly no tunes. 2.55 FILM: Fantastic Voyage 4.45 Andromeda 5.40 Stargate SG-1 7.30 Channel 4 News 8.00 The Last Nazi Secret 9.00 The West Wing WATCH THIS. 10.00 FILM: To Die For 11.50 12.00 V Graham Norton 1.00 Anatomy of Disgust 1.55 World Rally Shakedown 2.25 F3 on 4 2.50 Ascar 3.20 Liberty! the American Revolution 4.15 Catastrophe - The Day the Sun Went Out 5.05 Countdown 5.50 Animal Alphabet 5.55 The Magic Roundabout

7.10 Martial Law 8.00 Ultimate Submarines Yup, that’s the sound of the Channel 5 barrel being scraped, and this is the result.

It’s hard to imagine a less exciting programme which doesn’t involve Frank Skinner. 9.00 FILM: Komodo 10.45 Hard B-----ds: Joan Hannington Ooh, Channel 5 is getting all coy here and censoring the word ‘bastards’. Even TV Desk is allowed to use that word. 11.15 Law and Order Darn it, lots of space to fill.

Is it just me, or is 2002 shaping up to be a particularly fab year for music? We’ve already had great singles from Sugababes, the White Stripes, Alizee and Peaches, and there’re albums from Eminem, Tori Amos, DJ Shadow and Tom Waits to look forward to! There goes my loan... 12.15 Major League Baseball Live: Seattle Mariners v Boston Red Sox Incidentally, the Peaches album is quite possibly the rudest I’ve ever heard. ‘Licky licky sucky sucky, no-one here can tell me they don’t want to fucky fucky’, she snarls. Indeed.

4.00 LA Dodgers v Chicago Cubs

Auf Wierdershen, Pet BBC1 9.00pm

The X-Files BBC2 10.30pm

The Forsythe Saga ITV1 9.00pm

The West Wing C4 9.00pm

CHOICE Panorama: Please Help Me Die BBC1, 10.15pm The story of a true inspiration here: Diane Pretty, sufferer of motor neurone disease, challenger of inhumane law and all-round bravest woman in Britain. She’s lost her

fight for the right to assisted suicide in both the House of Lords and the European Court of Human Rights – the former largely on the ludicrous basis that the British people aren’t ready for such a radicalisation of euthanasia law, as if the British people know shit about anything – but the manner of her challenge has been, frankly, awe-inspiring. Guaranteed an undignified, painful and gradual death, she doesn’t have to do this: with the

publicity she’s gained, no jury in the UK would convict her husband of murder if he assisted in her death. But you have to admire the determination with which she’s sought to overturn a law which states that you do not have the right to choose how to die, even when not putting down an animal in the same position would be declared inhumane. This isn’t an ethical conundrum, or a moral dilemma: it’s a simple human right.

Sunday 12th May

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

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62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

06.05.02

Focus

The Gair Rhydd Features Section Free Word 720

A bit of a balls up

Testicular cancer is is still a relatively rare disease but it is becoming more common amongst young men. Martyn Edwards gives first hand insight into the importance of checking for tumours and the embarrassment of going for a check up

C

ancer is a bitch – it’s official. And the reason it’s a bitch is because, unlike AIDS or other big name terrors, it does not really matter what sexual preferences you have or practices you indulge in, it does not matter where you live or what race you are because just like Conservative Party Political Broadcasts it can creep up on all of us and make it a really crappy day.

Cancer is a general term used to define all forms of malignant tumours. Tumours themselves are basically biological cock-ups in our body and can vary in their size and effects. Despite such variation in the seriousness of tumours, the most recent figures for Europe show that the number of cancer related deaths are approximately a whopping one million each year.

The most recent figures for Europe show that the number of cancer related deaths are approximately a whopping one million each year

Testicular cancer is something of a ‘new’ cancer in that it is still very rare and its causes are largely unknown and vague. The Cancer Research UK group is quick to point out that only 4% of the lumps that men report turn out to be cancerous in nature and that when compared to other types of cancer such as that found in the lung or stomach the number of sufferers are relatively low.

They do, however, admit that the number of cases are rising steadily every year.

My first and, thankfully, only brush with this sort of disease came about two years ago when I noticed a small, hard and fucking painful lump of about the size of a grain of rice situated between the top of my thigh and my right love nugget.

I had been playing rugby a couple of days before and vaguely remembered someone stamping on my meat ‘n’ two veg. I pretended that it wasn’t there but after a while I got paranoid and mentioned it to one of my house mates who promptly told me I was a “stupid c**t” and ordered me to go to the doctors.

This, I think, is one of the biggest problems for us blokes.

Certainly in my family me, my dad, my uncle, and granddad hate going to the doctors, partly because of the macho bullshit element but also because generally it’s just a pain in the arse. What made it even worse now was that, not only was I going, but I was going with the intention of legally exposing my privates to prodding, poking and, dare I consider it, measurement.

I trooped off wearing a beret, sunglasses and a fake beard.

The surgery was heaving; filled with old people and mothers with screaming children. I was forced to mumble “personal reasons” through the beard when the receptionist asked me why I needed to see a doctor and I was told to go and wait.

It was then that I considered

the next obstacle, was I going to see a woman or a man?

Seeing a woman GP would obviously have its advantages from a prodding and poking point of view, but what about measuring? I mean she was bound to have seen loads of male genitalia. By comparison, would mine be up to scratch?

Would I be left thinking about my tackle in a new light, as if it resembled the last chicken in the shop?

I decide that a male GP would be the ideal option and was pleased to find that I was indeed going to a man: a Dr Peter Davies*, a giant of a man and with curly red hair and an even curlier beard he was hardly George Clooney.

We engaged in a bit of small talk before he asked me what was wrong, I stuttered my way through an explanation and he then told me to take off my trousers and lie on a couch. I didn’t know it was physically possible to hold your breath for so long but hold it I did.

My earlier suspicions about prodding, poking and measuring were largely inaccurate, in fact he didn’t touch my joystick or happy sacks much at all, just rubbed the grain of rice like a lottery scratch card and muttered to himself under his breath before loudly announcing that what I was looking at was only a harmless node.

He asked, thankfully without checking himself, if my plums were bruised or discoloured. I answered that ‘Yes’ they were, he then looked very pleased with himself, telling me that the bruising had caused the node to rise and that it would disappear in about a week or so. I thanked him quickly and resisted the urge to make him swear to secrecy. After complimenting me on the thickness of my own ‘beard’, he bid me farewell and told me to come back if the node did go.

To say I was relieved was an understatement, I could not

To some men rugby balls are often more important than their own balls

think of anything worse than having cancer, particularly in a place where all men are particularly vulnerable.

In order to stay healthy, you should try to check yourself if not every day then every other.

Experts recommend that you do this after taking a shower or bath because the skin is more relaxed and this makes problems easier to spot.

You don’t necessarily have to bump or injure yourself like I

did in order to get lumps or cancer. In fact, the worse thing about it is that it is very rarely this simple and often occurs with no apparent event needed to ‘trigger’ if off.

Symptoms also include swelling of the testicles, pain in the lower abdomen or back, a persistent cough and difficulty in breathing and/or swallowing.

Research has also shown that it may be possible for the disease to be inherited, and so if your

brother, father or any of your other close male relatives have experienced cancer of this kind, it is well worth getting a check up because you too may be at a greater risk.

Don’t get paranoid and worry yourself needlessly but if you do notice any sort of lump or irregularity then get medical help immediately. You may feel stupid at first like I certainly did, but it definitely is not worth taking a risk.

FocusFocusFocus INSIDE FOCUS THIS WEEK: The scandal of Southwestern • A day in the life of a Molecular Biology student • In defence of the Queen • Kylie takes centre stage

Summer slog Focus • 10

Gair Rhydd Monday 6th May 2002

During the summer months students often have to balance the need for cash with the desire to travel. Working abroad seems to offer the perfect solution but, as Pete Walton discovered, it’s not the fun in the sun that you might imagine

You could be poring over books all summer if you work for Southwestern

Y

ou may have seen the Southwestern recruiters around the campus, offering you a job of a lifetime as a book salesman in America for the summer. I did, and I went to work for them. I’ll begin by saying that the company’s claim of high earning potential is in fact true. If you do everything the company tells you, you could be earning £1000 a week by your fourth or fifth week (this is 100% commission, there’s no basic wage).

The hours are long. In 1997, they were Monday to Friday, 8:00 – 21:30 with not more than 45mins of breaks, and Saturday 8:00 – 17:30. They also give an accurate picture of how hard the job can be, especially in the early days.

However, they do gloss over certain things.

Notably, how difficult it can be finding accommodation. The company wants everyone to stay with host families, and in order to find one you’re literally dropped in the middle of the town you’ll be working in and told to knock on doors.

You’re given several spiels to recite to the householder to get them to let you and your mate/s live with them for the summer. This can be especially difficult for males (would you allow 2 or 3 men you’ve never met to move into your home?).

The group I was placed with was unable to find anywhere and I spent all of my money staying in hotels for ten days, after which we threw in the towel and were split up and placed with other teams who had been fortunate to find somewhere.

A Day in the Life of… a Medical

Molecular Biology student

Stephanie McIntosh

I

have decided to leave the big leagues alone and focus on the little people. The unassuming minority students that keep a low profile around the university and this week it’s the Medical Molecular Biology students.

The who? I hear you say. I know what you mean, I’ve never heard of them either. These students drew a blank with me, thus I headed off to the Biosciences Building (for those who aren’t familiar, it’s the one that emits rank smells on a day to day basis) and attended a ‘Cell Signalling’ lecture.

Oh dear, science is not my strong point. I am reminded of my school days when my biology teacher once told me

he was too disgusted by my work to mark it. But I battle on. Inside the theatre I am surprised that no one is wearing a white lab coat, or has steelrimmed glasses, they all look fairly normal non-geeky students, although I do notice a man wearing a pink pashmina. Odd. The lecturer is a smart unassuming man who brandishes a long cane like a tribesman which he uses to point out the various diagrams of cells, inner ears, Na+ channels, pictures of his gran etc.

The content of the lecture itself is horribly complex using strange formulas with letters and numbers that appear not to exist in any human world and words that sound like small reptiles, such as polypeptides.

I can see such talk has fried the minds

What was annoying during this period was Southwestern’s flippant attitude to our plight, insisting that as long as we were out there working everyday, we would eventually find somewhere.

Which at the end of the day is all they are concerned with.

Disturbingly, this became more apparent when two girls in our team rang our manager one night.

They were staying in a house with a man they now believed was an alcoholic and he’d been trying to get into their room that night. Naturally, they were scared and wanted our manager to come and pick them up.

His reaction was that everything would be fine, and if they just stayed where they were and kept working they’d find somewhere else.

Eventually the stress of all this caused them both to break down in tears one day in the middle of a park. Fortunately, they were found and taken in by a very kind couple.

One thing that I now find laughable about the recruiting stage is all the things they make you do before they will ‘accept’ your application. THEY ACCEPT EVERYONE. As soon as you’re on the programme, they make money whether you eventually sell anything or not. You have to buy your sales bag and sample books from them (technically you’re not an employee of theirs, but an independent trader selling their products). I don’t recall the cost but it was over £150.

Then at sales school you are told to stay in a nearby hotel so that everyone is together. This is fair enough, and it’s not particularly expensive, but what they don’t mention is that they own this particular hotel. So even if you do one day’s work then disappear, you’ve given them over £300.

At sales school (truly an unforgettable experience), the company drums into you that you’re now part of the ‘Southwestern Family’ and you’ll be letting yourself, your family, the other members of your team down as well as the company if you don’t work hard and complete the eleven weeks of selling.

They even try to get you to give them names and addresses of girlfriends/ boyfriends and say they will call them up and tell them you’re not doing very well if that’s the case. They try very hard to brainwash you (I can’t think of a more accurate term) into thinking that you’ll be a failure if you

of some of these students. I note two ladies sharing a joke and a giggle over a funny-looking cell diagram. At one point a mobile phone goes off and everyone gasps and tuts in the manner of primary school kids who are trying to impress the teacher. In another ‘hilarious’ interval someone burps really rather loudly, which is enough even to make even the lecturer chuckle.

Strangely, most of the males in the class remind me of grown up versions of the bad boy at school. With their caps, tracksuits and haltingly disruptive manner, there really is something quite familiar about them. So that’s what happened to them all, and here was me thinking they had gone to prison!

After the lecture I am given a tour of the labs, and this changes my mind somewhat. The stuff they get up to is actually quite cool. I’m told after one practical on radioactivity, they all had to use a Geiger counter over their bodies before they left the classroom. The labs have an emergency shower unit too, in case any lethal concoction is accidentally spilled on them. Their library even lends out bones as well as books for students to borrow. Perhaps best of all, one of the lecturers told his students he could teach them how to kill

leave early. The word ‘failure’ is repeatedly used.

I like to think of myself as a fairly strong character but even I was taken in to some extent.

In order to make you more receptive to their programming, they will mention, usually in the recruiting stage, that it’s important for you to be ‘teachable’ so that you can absorb everything they tell you to make you a better salesman.

Amazingly, everyone seems to lap up whatever they’re told and you actually begin to wonder whether you’ve stumbled into a lunatic asylum.

After a week of this, you walk out the place feeling like a robot, having been instructed what time to get up everyday (5:59am, notice it’s :59 rather than 6:00am), to have a cold shower (not a hot one – you can have one at night) and be out the house by 6:29, breakfast by 7, then be knocking on your first door at 7:59.

You should leave your last house at 21:30 and then your head hits the pillow at 22:29. One manager, who I had to follow one day, even tried to tell me when I could go to the toilet. The most ridiculous thing you have to do is a sales chant every morning after breakfast, which makes you look like a right tw*t.

Despite telling myself that I would never do this I’d find myself roped in every morning with the rest of the team (when you realise that other people seem to enjoy this is when you start to get concerned), chanting about what a great day we’ll be having selling books.

We’re also given various mantras to say throughout the day to keep ourselves motivated such as “I love my job”, “It’s a great, great day”, and “Everybody’s getting them”. The managers especially, actually go around saying these.

As one lad’s father told reminded him over the phone one day “You’re there to work, ignore all the bull***t.” This is the best advice I can give anyone who decides to work for them.

Do a job like this if you want to make money and don’t care what you go through to get it. Don’t do it expecting to see a bit of America, as you’ll be spending the majority of your time trailing around housing estates on your own.

There are thousands of other jobs you can do in America that will be far more fun, and give you some freedom, which you can find once you arrive.

somebody without leaving any trace.

Very educational, I’m sure.

Overall, they seem to be a hard working bunch, (20 hours a week, with some practicals lasting six hours!) and they’re friendly, if not a little bit nerdy.

Best Lecture: Genetics and Gene Expressions Worst Lecture: Techniques 2 What They say about Themselves: Hard-working, quiet.

Gair Rhydd Monday 6th May 2002

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Focus • 11

God save the Queen

(because somebody’s got to) At the start of the Queen’s Jubilee tour, Daniel Barnes defends the queen’s right to hold onto the throne until the death and beyond

Y

ou may or may not have noticed (possibly depending upon whether or not you read the Daily Mail) that this year is somewhat special. This is because the Queen is having something known as a Jubilee, and not only that, she’s having a Golden one. Essentially she’s having a big party, for having been Queen for fifty years.

I have been following a little of the debate concerning this, in recent days, and the thing that bothers me the most is that people seem very angry about the fact that the Queen wants to be nice to us and encourage a bit of national fun and joy. I’m sure that, even if you choose not to support the monarchy, which, in these post-modern times one is, I suppose, entitled to do, you still enjoy a free bank holiday as much as the rest of us.

Personally speaking, I’d enjoy it even more if it wasn’t in the middle of the exam period, but then I imagine it’s a long time since the Queen thought about exams, and thus she can be excused, perhaps, for being a little off with the timing of her coronation.

I frequently fail to see what exactly is so wrong with the Queen. America would die for the chance to have a monarchy, and must be ruing the day their ancestors

set themselves up as republic. God knows thousands of them flock to our nation’s capital every hour for a glimpse of real live history. And then you only need to look at the current situations in France and Germany to see what happens if you deny your country a rightful figurehead by abolishing/ murdering your monarchy.

Furthermore, even a country as extensive and laid back as Australia recently voted in their referendum to stick with our dear Queen Elizabeth. So why, then, must we suffer the incessant whines and mutters from entirely insignificant Labour backbenchers calling for her immediate removal?

Worse still, what convinces these apparently mindless members of the public, who are so often quoted in surveys’ and on the BBC, to believe the government on this issue when they have already proved that they are incapable of looking after much less important things like railways, health services and the education system?

Yes, the Queen costs us money in taxes. But consider the vast, probably incalculable amount of profit she brings us in tourism. A common argument I realise, but look at the popularity of every site with royal connotations or connections. Think how much we would

lose in annual earnings, especially in the capital, if we could not offer the chance to see some actual, living monarchy, to those who, like America, have decided that history is not good enough for them and then been unable to change their minds.

Perhaps, however, the only reason I am so ground down by this issue is that I have almost begun to believe the propaganda we are fed by certain newspapers, the BBC, and this bloody government. Even I as sit here writing, I find myself having to remind myself that all these surveys and quotes from theman-on-the-street (most likely a ten-oclock news presenter in disguise) are really nothing to do with the real opinion of our country. The fact that, as a nation, we still have genuine respect for the monarchy was shown wonderfully during the week of the Queen Mother’s death.

The hundreds of thousands that queued for hours to spend little more than a moment in front of the coffin to pay their individual respects shocked those

“new-minded” politicians and journalists into a blissful silence, for at least three days. If only it had been permanent.

The Queen has seen her powers diminish greatly, and to be honest, can only have been wryly unamused by the manner in which Britain has slowly begun to destroy itself from the inside in the time she has reigned over it. All in all, it’s rather nice she thinks of her subjects at all, considering how unappreciative and in many cases downright offensive towards her certain ones amongst us have been in recent times.

Thus, let us take a moment for the Queen this summer, or if you really must be so anti-monarchy that you can do no such thing, take a moment for yourself on her behalf. Most of us are receiving a little bit of extra time in this world, which is something we don’t get very often, and we will all have the opportunity to appreciate the concert in Hyde Park which is destined to make PopScene, if no-one else, extremely happy.

She should be so lucky...

PopScene: After a delightful Sunday afternoon watching Kylie strut her Australian stuff, Abbi Shaw tells all about the hoards of gay men and impressively fast costume changes

K

ylie looks a lot more like Charlene Ramsey than you might think. And if there’s one thing we need more of, it’s probably Kylie. It is hardly believable that such a small concentration of flesh, blood and clichés can provide so many people with such exasperating joy as was the case at the CIA last Sunday.

Yes, it was my most excellent good fortune to see Kylie in the opening stages of her European tour, and what a treat it was. The show opened with a startling rendition of “The hills are alive with the sound of music…” a la Moulin Rouge, which initiated a rapturous white noise of screaming gay men and twelve year-old girls, comparable in volume only to all the crickets in the world having a conference inside your ear drum.

From here on in, the concert was a logistical triumph PIC: Michael Parsons

over the laws of physics as Kyle speedily changed in and out of outfits that only seemed to reluctantly cover her body out of a sense of politeness.

The theatrical grandeur of Miss Minogue’s performance was overwhelming as she effortlessly glided through each differently styled section (or ‘act’ as the £20 programme called them). These styles ranged from the banal and yet flattering ‘street’ look, which made her look more like dear Britney Spears than anything else, to the ‘Voodooinferno’ finale whereby the dancers dressed in revealing skin coloured bodysuits with sewn-on warpaint markings and crawled around the stage like wanton lustful felines.

The highlight of the show, however, has to be the imaginative and yet grotesque Clockwork Orange section, in which Kylie wore a stunning Dolce & Gabanna droogie outfit that revealed more breast than a plucked turkey. The male dancers were particularly notable here, as they were frequently to be caught simulating sex with the women and each other using a truncheon.

Without wanting to reflect badly on Kylie, I was nearly falling asleep by the end because I was exhausted with worry from the rumours that the concert was cancelled due to Kylie’s bad throat infection. But Can’t Get You Out of My Head was the song that eventually woke me up, with its soul-crushing constancy and crowds of people singing along to the la’s.

Not since passing Club X on my way to the CIA had I seen so many barely clothed gay men improbably standing in the cold and yet still excessively excited. The CIA became, for a night, a haven for tight sleeveless t-

shirts and Shakespearean arm waving, comparable to the Astoria on a Saturday night in volume and noise.

Aside from the gay men always prevalent at pop concerts, there was also the usual scattering of young children and their sometimes reluctant parents and even hip grandparents. Of course there was also a contingent of fat ugly men who honestly believe that given a chance Kylie would choose them over one of her beautiful gay boy admirers. It seems that these hoards of loutish brutes were the ones who took the tickets that were more justly deserved by more the beautiful and admirable fans (such as Mr Jamie Hindry).

The thing about Kylie is that she has had to work hard to get where she is now, after the whole Neighbours and Jason Donovan thing crashed into the end of the Piccadilly Line. So it comes as no surprise that the programmes (glossy and sparkly and gay) cost £20, for which you get lots of pictures and a list of the crew, but well worth it if you like that sort of thing. There were also a variety of extortionate t-shirts on sale which I would have gladly paid for if I weren’t so poor (we do this paper for free, you know).

The crowning moment of the evening came, though, when we left the venue we were given free, yes free, bottles of Kylie water, sponsored by Evian.

So we went away thoroughly overjoyed and seized by good humour. Happy that Kylie, although small, is amazingly entertaining and infinitely beautiful, with enough naked boy dancers, scanty outfits, catchy tunes and aesthetic beauty to keep everyone present in a state of apoplectic joy for ever more.

Monday 6 May / Sport Page 12

It’s Jomec....again Dickie Fox reporting

JOMEC WERE once again crowned champions of the Brecon Carreg IMG but have arch rivals Chemsoc to thank for their second consecutive title.

In a controversial event, second place Real Economics knew exactly what they had to do in their last game to dramatically steal Jomec’s crown in their very first season.

Beat Chemsoc by five goals.

Simple.

But the Chemists put professional pride in front of any animosity and ground out a one-all draw with Real to leave the Jomec contingent on the sideline celebrating.

Jomec had ended their season two days earlier in typical fashion, hammering Chemsoc by six goals to one.

But the Journalists had to

wait for the result of Friday’s fixture before opening the champagne.

Real went into the final fixture, buoyed from a wellfought 4-2 victory over the fading Momed.

But it could have been so different. With Momed trailing two-one but with the flow of the game in their favour, retiring captain Chris Wathan fluffed a penalty opportunity which would have seen his first goal in three years of IMG. And displaying the hallmarks of a side chasing silverware, Real re-took the initiative and the three points.

Most of the Premiership sides had shown the signs of a long campaign as points were dropped left, right and centre.

Carbs A certainly had mixed fortunes and would have found it unusual not to be in the championship race come April.

I MG Pos

I MG

Premiership

Division Two W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 PHARMACY

7

6

0

1

35

15

+19

18

14

2 Wok Utd

7

5

1

1

34

13

+21

16

+1

13

3 Pyscho Athletico

7

4

1

2

32

15

+17

13

20

-3

11

4 Archaeology

7

4

1

2

24

15

+9

13

17

18

-1

10

5 Torpedo Dynamo

7

3

1

3

22

16

+6

10

4

25

14

+11

7

6 Hellenic

7

3

0

4

19

13

+6

9

0

5

7

25

-18

4

7 Irish

7

1

0

6

17

26

-9

3

2

4

8

21

-13

2

8 Chemsoc II

7

0

0

7

3

53

-50

0

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 JOMEC

7

5

1

1

26

15

+11

16

2 Real Economics

7

4

2

1

19

9

+10

3 Accountancy

7

4

1

2

17

16

4 Carbs A

7

3

2

2

17

5 Chemsoc

7

3

1

3

6 Momed AFC

7

2

1

7 Law A

7

1

8 Planathanikos

7

0

Pos

Pos

P

P

I MG

email grsport@hotmail.com

I MG

Division One

Pos

Division Three

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 FIRE ENGIN

7

7

0

0

26

4

+22

21

1 NOMADS

7

5

1

1

25

8

+17

16

2 Gym Gym

7

4

1

2

21

16

+5

13

2 Big Cheese

7

4

1

2

16

7

+9

12

3 Economics

7

3

2

2

20

8

+12

11

3 English

7

4

1

2

19

13

+6

12

4 History

7

3

1

3

13

11

+2

10

4 Engin Spares

7

3

2

2

18

12

+6

11

5 R Park Rangers

7

2

2

3

10

19

-9

8

5 Mathletico

7

3

2

2

12

14

-2

11

6 Law B

7

2

0

5

9

22

-13

6

6 Hackers

7

3

1

3

10

16

-6

10

7 Plan City

7

1

2

4

4

13

-9

5

7 Spartak Sawsa

7

2

1

4

12

14

-2

7

8 Carbs B

7

1

1

5

9

19

-10

4

8 Hindu

7

0

1

6

2

28

-26

1

Chemsoc, like Momed, never really got to grips with their first season in the top flight and, after a storming qualifying campaign, lost the momentum in the latter stages.

Accountancy trailed from the championship path at a vital point but had surprised many with some impressive victories on their way to a creditable third placed.

Law A suffered most from

inconsistencies, inflicting on Jomec’s their only defeat yet suffering an embarrassing 9-1 loss to Momed.

It was Planathanikos who eventually found their feet in the last few fixtures; two draws ensuring the Planners didn’t endure a pointless last half of the season.

Fire Engin made up for failure to qualify for the Premiership by capturing the First Division title

whilst Ollie Maddocks’ Pharmacy took the Second Division trophy.

Nomads were Division Three champions It was all the more sweeter for Pharmacy who missed out on the last day of the season in 2000.

But 2002 belongs to Jomec who deservedly reserve the right to drunkenly sing “We are the Champions”. Until next May that is.

IMG AWARD WINNERS Team of the Year – Momed AFC Best Newcomers – Roath Park Rangers Player of the Year – Matt Johnson (Momed AFC) Most Sociable side – Chemsoc Best Chant – Chemsoc (“No Surrender to Carbs A”) Manger of the Year – Chris Wathan (Momed AFC)

Netball IMG review

Hockey, from back page

By half time Glamorgan trailed by four, although the wealth of shooting opportunities that had been created should have resulted in more goals; excellent work deep down both flanks by both Neil Campbell and Mark Dunn resulted in crosses to the penalty spot for tap-ins and to the top of the shooting "D" which were snaffled by both Collis and Burns.

Gareth Hayden returning from injury put in a stormer down at left-back causing the Glamorgan right a real headache.

Cardiff keeper Iwan Williams remained unbothered at the back.

He was ably assisted by the omnipresent Mark Hopkins and Paul Martin in the centre of defence, both of which deserve special mention for their outstanding tackling.

The second half was very much ‘as you were’; Cardiff continued to keep the ball for long periods at a time and played very patient hockey.

It came as a surprise therefore when the ball rolled into the Cardiff backboard.

From another seemingly toothless attack three Glamorgan players had conjured a goal from the middle of nowhere and then some.

With four defenders in place the Glamorgan number 9 had set off across the face of goal before ‘letting fly’ with a rather weak reverse stick effort which looped into the air and over the outstretched gauntlett of Williams in goal.

The sense of embarrassment felt by the Cardiff team was echoed by the look on the scorer's face.

Cardiff however headed straight down to the other end of the pitch and thumped an emphatic goal into the net to redress the balance; but within three minutes Glamorgan scored again.

The last few minutes of the game were peppered with another three goals for Cardiff as they rammed home the difference between the two teams; Burns scoring a corker high and to the keeper's left from a few yards out when presented with another bite at the cherry from the very accommodating Glamorgan defence.

At the final whistle Cardiff celebrated a great victory; whilst the scoreline would suggest this was merely a formality the team didn't stop playing and thoroughly deserved to retain their title.

For many it was also a fitting way to finish their University Hockey careers.

The versatile Yvonne Higgott performed impressively in the 100 fly and 200 freestyle. Karen Arnold showed high quality performances in both breast events. Special mention must go to Hannah Polacarz for a brave 100m freestyle swim in what was her competitive swimming debut.

The afternoon saw some exciting relay swims that ultimately came down to playing a large role in Cardiff’s success, with the final standings relying heavily on the Men’s freestyle relay. The last event of the day drew all

eyes to the pool and saw the Cardiff Men go out and achieve the necessary results.

Marshall summed up the emotional day; “I’m really proud of the whole team, we were missing a few regulars but we got stuck in, everyone swam really well and we got the rewards we deserved. I’m looking forward to swimming in the first division next year”.

This rounded up a very successful year for the newly crowned A.U club of the year, with BUSA successes coming for both the water polo and swimming contingents of the club.

JOMEC: Picked up te Premiership title, but few awards

Laura Welsh reporting AT THE Awards Night on Saturday, UWC A were once again crowned the IMG Netball Champions.

Having not lost a game all season. the girls truly deserved their award.

The 1st division was won by new team Chemy/ Biosciences, who despite their new existence went on to win every game in their group.

The strong commitment, their sociable nature and their impressive achievements also saw Chemy walk away with IMG Netball Team of the Year.

Captains Despina and Nat worked hard to recruit players and achieved impressive results in return.

Despina commented that the reason that Chemy/ Biosciences did so well was due to their excellent communicating on the court and that the team worked well together.

Another new team Phist, a combination of Philosophy and History, won the Second Division.

Phist have grown from a

squad of 7 to 18 and their strength was always their ability to not take IMG too seriously.

Despite some strong contenders in the Best New Team category such as Malaysian and Comsoc, Stars went on to win the Award.

Stars were founded by Laura Chapman and are the Netball team of the Religious Studies department.

Stars found themselves in the bottom division, but strong play from Annabelle, Anna, Vicky, and Laura Mee among others meant that they achieved relative success.

STARS never played the game too competitively and gained a reputation as one of the friendliest teams.

Kelly Osment of Economics won the IMG Netball Player of the Year. Kelly has been playing Netball since she was 9 and was a regular County player for Devon.

She also tried out for the South West England Netball squad, but unfortunately broke her ankle at the Trials.

For the past two years, she has been Captain of Economics and in both years they have reached the Premiership.

Kelly ‘s strength is her speed on the court, as Centre she is unstoppable and gained many nominations from other teams including the UWC A girls for IMG Netball Player of the Year.

IMG Captain/Manager of the Year was won by Bethan Evans of Psycho Netball.

Having had two teams to organise, Bethan deserves credit for the success of both her teams.

Psycho A reached the Premiership and Psycho B just missed out on Premiership status and went on to perform well in Division 1.

Bethan has also made an effort to include PostGraduates in her team, and has tried to ensure that the Psycho netball team has active social life.

Psychology Netball also won the Most Sociable Netball Team Award.

My thanks go to every team for their participation in IMG. I hope you have all enjoyed it as much as I have.

Information on the Awards Night is available on www.cardiffstudents.com/ath leticunion. Then click on All Sports, and then I.M.G.

who dictated the pace of the game from a very early stage and set up a few interesting battles with the undersupported and over-worked opposition.

For all the build up and pressure Cardiff were still without a goal; its inevitability when it did arrive was signalled by the sudden slump of support from the Glamorgan crowd.

The strikeforce of Glenister and Burns proved lethal to the Glamorgan defence; whilst their 'keeper was doing an impressive job between the pipes there is only so much one (rather immobile) man can do.

Ergo Cardiff three goals to none ahead within twenty minutes; the third scored by an outstanding Alex Wells.

Making a last appearance in University colours before returning to the hood, he played with a composure on the ball that made the opposition look slow.

On more than one occasion the right-back hared up the wing before cutting inside and combining with the midfield to produce a series of opportunities, one of which eventually fell to him, and he dispatched it with ease.

Swimming, from back

UWC A: Celebrating their championship win

Harris shone. For the 200m freestyle long distance specialist Gerardo Cabarias showed his flair.

Swimmer/ coach Alex Theobold made a stand for his training techniques with victory in both butterfly events. Captain Marshall led by example with a sterling performance in both the 50 and 100 meters breastroke.

For the Ladies, captain Coats laid down the high standard expected in the 50 and 100 meters back.

Monday 6th May 2002/ Sport Page 13

email grsport@hotmail.com

Seeded hosts have point to prove

FOCUS ON THE HOSTS: It appears that very little is known about this years World Cup final hosts, Japan and South Korea. This week GR Sports Matthew Greenhill examines the chances of these two host nations WHILE ENGLAND and France respectively managed to achieve World Cup glory in their home countries in 1966 and 1998, it is extremely unlikely that a home nation will conquer the world in 2002.

While South Korea and Japan have established themselves as competitive and successful nations in Asia, on the world stage both countries still have a lot to prove.

For South Korea this will be their sixth appearance in total at the World Cup and an Asian record of five consecutive appearances at the world’s greatest and most prestigious tournament.

Yet, on every occasion the Koreans have failed to make it past the opening group stages and are still waiting for that elusive first win in the competition.

In recognition of this, Korea finally accepted in January 2001 that help from outside was essential for the team to compete on a more global level.

The experienced Dutchman of Guus Hiddink was

therefore viewed as the ideal candidate to be the first nonKorean to lead the national team into the FIFA World Cup finals.

The former PSV Eindhoven coach has made a decent start at the helm of the Korean ship but needs nothing short of a miracle to keep his side afloat come May and June.

Korea as one of the eight seeded teams found themselves bracketed with Poland, USA and Portugal in group D and must surely be seen as favourites to finish bottom of the pile and may well be left searching ever still for that first World Cup win.

However, the Korean team does have a small pool of distinguished players to chose from all of whom will be vital to the co-hosts chances of any success.

Korea’s top player is Seol Ki-Hyeon who is currently perfecting his craft with Belgian champions Anderlecht after leaving fellow rivals Antwerp. Seol, a small but clinical striker, is rapidly building up his reputation in Belgium with

every goal he scores and is a key component of Korea’s attack.

Supporting Seol is the experienced and veteran defender of Hong Myung-bo, Yoo Sang-Chul in central midfield and Hwang Sunhong working with Seol up front.

The home support is sure to be passionate and vocal and may well inspire Korea to some impressive performances but an early exit can only be predicted.

Despite Japan appearing in the World Cup finals for only a second time, the Japanese will probably be the favourites out of the two host nations to achieve the most success.

Japan’s only other appearance at the World Cup came in France 1998 but since then they have gone on to capture the Asian Cup crown in 2000 and finished runnersup in last year’s FIFA Confederations.

However, like Korea, Japan have found themselves in a difficult opening group comprising of Belgium, Russia and Tunisia.

DAYS UNTIL THE WORLD CUP

25

NEXT ISSUE: We look at the challengers in England and Ireland’s groups, including tournament favourites Argentina. We also profile Spain’s prolific defender Hierro and Cameroon’s wayward defender Rigobert Song While a win or even a couple of draws may be possible, it is unlikely the Japanese will have the ability or the consistency to progress from the group and move into the knockout stages.

Again, not unlike Korea, the Japanese also have a couple of players who are capable of competing at the highest level.

As in France 1998, Hidetoshi Nakata will be the biggest threat for Japan.

Having played in Italy in

Serie A over the last four years for Perugia, Roma and currently Parma, the £18.5m striker and exceptional playmaker is certainly capable of causing havoc for defences and is rightly going to be playing in the world’s greatest showcase.

Japan’s other high profile player is that of Arsenal’s Junichi Inamoto. Although the young defender has struggled to make a first team place for his club, for country he has been inspirational and has

played a significant role in their recent successful run.

With a French coach in Phillipe Troussier, the Japanese can be guaranteed to play some very attractive football but the lack of a strong and established midfield may cost them dearly.

Whilst a big result is in them, Japan along with Korea seem destined to leave the World Cup without a competing host nation after the first round.

Ballack, in only his third season with Leverkusen since his £4.8 million move from rivals Kaiserslautern, will want the season to end on a happier note than the last one when Leverkusen contrived to lose the Bundesliga in injury time on the last day of the season.

However, he has come a long way since he turned pro with his first club Chemnitzer FC and Ballack's goals have seen Leverkusen rise from almost nowhere.

The 25 year-old will hope to finish the season on a high in the European Cup

Final as he departs Leverkusen for fellow title contenders Bayern Munich. A clause in his contract at Leverkusen allowed him to go for £12.9 million and Bayern Munich have shown that his skills are worth investing in as they have snapped him up for the new campaign.

And it will be Ballack and Diesler who the German fans will be pinning their hopes on in the World Cup, as it was Ballack's goal that helped Germany overcome Ukraine in the play-off for World Cup qualification.

There, the midfield playmaker, who has 18

caps to his name, will be able to pit his talents against the Republic of Ireland, Cameroon and Saudi Arabia in a group, which is tough to predict.

Defeats in the 1998 World Cup and in Euro 2000 to Croatia and Portugal respectively brought to an end the careers of several German legends, while the 5-1 hammering by England had seriously threatened their position in this year's tournament.

So Ballack and co will be looking to improve this time round.

Return of the Ballack looks to inspire Germans boy wonder Words by David Williams

Words by Daniel Evans

THE COMING World Cup in Japan and South Korea could see the long awaited return of a certain Brazilian marksman who has terrorised the world’s best defenders – Ronaldo.

Two serious knee operations have kept the 25 year old predator from Rio out of the spotlight for the best part of three years.

Three recent goals for Inter Milan and a friendly performance for Brazil suggest that not only is he finally over his problems, but has quickly rediscovered his goalscoring instinct.

The ‘phenomenon’ as he is nicknamed in Italy, has an awesome footballing CV. After making his debut for Brazil at just 17, he was an unnoticed squad member of the Brazilian squad that won World Cup 94.

Becoming top scorer in Holland for PSV Eindhoven and then Spain for Barcelona saw him make a then world record move to Inter Milan for $27 million.

Since breaking into professional football he has been a goalscoring machine – 43 goals in just 67 games for Brazil and 201 goals, almost a goal per game, at club level.

With electrifying pace, power and sublime Brazilian ball skills Ronaldo was rewarded for his brilliance with the title of FIFA ‘World Footballer of The Year’ in both 1996 and 1997.

He will however, want to

atone for the mysterious happenings of the last World Cup final.

After it was reported by team mate Roberto Carlos that Ronaldo had suffered a fit, the striker was omitted from the starting line-up, but was then surprisingly reinstated to the team just minutes before kick-off.

Ronaldo performed below par as Brazil crashed to a 3-0 defeat to hosts France.

If Ronaldo’s knee can hold up to the strain of international competition, Brazil’s international decline could be solved.

They may not possess the lean rearguard of Italy, or the classy midfield of France but with this lethal finisher, even the best defenders will be trembling.

BAYER LEVERKUSEN'S Michael Ballack is currently one of the hottest properties in football and is set to be a star in this summer's World Cup. His 21 goals from midfield this season have put his club in contention for three major trophies and made him one to watch in the finals.

With Leverkusen reaching the final of the Champions League and in second place in the Bundesliga, Ballack is enjoying his most successful season to date.

Sad Bluebirds crash out of playoffs Words by Michael Pearlman, Gair Rhydd Sports Editor

Cardiff City in the playoff final at the Millennium Stadium IN Cardiff seemed like a fairytale fantasy that would almost certainly come to fruition.

The Bluebirds holding 1-2 advantage over Stoke City at the Britannia Stadium would go back to Ninian Park needing only a draw. The dream was so close to reality.

After 89 minutes of a surprisingly dour scoreless draw at Ninian Park, it seemed a certainty. Stoke broke.

Stoke scored.

The crowd were silenced; the fairytale was in doubt.

With four minutes remaining in extra time, a deflected freekick that should never have been, sent the visiting fans into raptures.

The dream was dead.

For City supremo Sam Hammam, it was a bitter bitter RONALDO: Had a fit blow. His hopes and seven

million pound investment had ultimately been entirely in vain.

Hammam however, remains optimistic, claiming he is already looking towards next season, he commented; “I’m fine, that’s football. We’ll come back even stronger next season.” He continued, “We haven’t gone up, but that fact is already consigned to the history book.”

The circumstances of the defeat however, will leave a sour taste in the mouth of City fans throughout the summer.

Having battled so bravely since Lennie Lawrence took charge, Cardiff crashed out with what was a dismal performance.

The Bluebirds failed to lift their game at the worst possible time, as Stoke capitalised on City’s shortcomings.

The game ebbed and

flowed, before James O’Conner stabbed Stoke ahead with mere seconds of the ninety minutes remaining.

It was certainly no less than Stoke deserved.

Several Cardiff stars seemed to suffer from stage fright.

Graham Kavanagh, pitted against his old club and the fans that so despise him for leaving, produced his worst performance of an excellent season.

Leo Fortune West, was absolutely awful, squandering a golden opportunity to force penalties in the dying embers of the game.

For all Cardiff’s effort and workrate, Stoke matched and bettered them with ambition and endeavour.

As extra time slipped away, only one side in truth looked capable of avoiding the lottery of penalties.

Despite this, it will be the manner of Stoke’s goal that

causes so much chagrin with Cardiff City FC. Spencer Prior, City’s dominant centre half was judged to have fouled Deon Burton, who was clearly backing into Prior.

O’Conner himself hit the freekick, which caught a freak deflection off Ghanaian Souleymane Oulare.

Stoke had won in the most controversial and bizarre of circumstances and Prior was given his marching orders for his protest.

For Cardiff City it is now all about preparing for next season.

For Lennie Lawrence, so gallant in defeat and so comprehensively successful in his achievements this season, it is a case of promotion or bust next term.

For Sam Hammam, a degree of patience is required as his honeymoon period at Cardiff faces its first test.

“Michael Ballack is currently one of the hottest properties in football” World Cup Special, page 15

Cardiff City Heartbreak for the Bluebirds as Sam faces another year in Division Two

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Monday 6th May 2002 / Free Word 720

Poly crumbles to CU Welsh Cup M. Hockey

8-2

Swansea

John Tuscany reporting A WARM but windswept Sketty Lane, Swansea, played host to the final of the Welsh Universities Cup hockey competition last Wednesday.

Cardiff University's men's team had waltzed through to the final via a roasting hot semi-final clash with Swansea which had seen professional fouls, dismissals, more goals than the Swans would care to remember, and some outstanding direct hockey from Cardiff who ran rings around the visitors.

Confidence was high

within the Cardiff camp; the recent success in the European Cup Winner's Cup tournament, held at Talybont, was still fresh in the mind.

The experience earned by the players during that competition has seen the squad grow in stature and confidence right up to the end of the season.

Providing the opposition were Glamorgan University.

Having a notably smaller club to draw its staff from, the expectations were never very high, but this is not to say that Cardiff were complacent.

Indeed, if anything the pre-match rigmarole was even more meticulous than usual.

The Cardiff Hockey team celebrating yet another goal

CU penalty heroics John Tuscany reporting Welsh Cup Football 2nds 2 – 2

Swansea

AFTER THE first’s shock exit to the lowly NEWI, it was left to the Second XI to carry the Cardiff flag, and they did not disappoint.

Injury worries hampered preparations with Mahoney, Hay, and O’Donovan all declared unfit.

After negotiating tough away ties to Bangor and Glamorgan, Cardiff were left to defeat Swansea, a team who they had not beaten in BUSA this year.

A partisan Sketty Lane saw a rampant Swansea side accumulate a two goal first half lead, the first a dubious handball in front of the exceptional James Dunstone.

A rejuvenated Cardiff, with the harsh words of Karl Evans and physio Shane Mansfield ringing in their ears, reappeared after the break, with the midfield of Paul Avery and Huw Owens beginning to dominate.

The constant pressure was rewarded when, with 15 minutes to go, a flowing

move, starting with Tom Barbe, resulted in excellent work from James Green and a composed finish from Dave McCann to half the deficit.

With seconds remaining, a set piece ripped the heart out of Swansea’s defence, culminating with Rob Cotton being callously hacked in the box for a penalty.

With a Cardiff defeat imminent, the deserving Mike Rabjohns showed a cool head amongst the nerves, and slotted the ball home with some aplomb.

Jubilation was followed by the realisation of extra-time and possibly penalties. Extratime was played out with both teams clearly nervous.

Chances for the inspirational captain Chris Trout and McCann went begging and excellent defending by Simon Ritter kept the game even.

Step forward Rich ‘Will Young’ Warwick, to perform heroics in the Cardiff goal, saving three from four penalties.

Despite an unexpected Rabjohns miss, Ali Bennetto, Trout and Owens converted for 3-1 shootout scoreline and a famous Cardiff victory.

Glamorgan tested by Academy Report by David Williams A MARK Wallace century and an Owain Parkin hat-trick were the inspiration for Glamorgan as they overcame Cardiff’s Centre of Excellence by 10 wickets at Sofia Gardens.

With several of Glamorgan’s First team players not playing, wicket keeper Wallace was able to continue where he left off against Derbyshire when he made his maiden first-class ton.

His knock couldn’t have come at a better time for Glamorgan who were struggling in their first innings on 119-4 and 217-7, this after bowling Cardiff out for 216 on a pitch notorious for its kindness to the batsmen.

Cardiff’s top order found the pitch, and Owain Parkin in particular, less than kind as the medium-pacer bowled with good line and length to pick up the wickets of James Cook, Alex French and Tom Fray in successive balls leaving Cardiff in trouble on 8-3.

Alastair Bressington’s excellent 58 saved Cardiff from

humiliation before he was caught leg before by Andrew Davies, the first of a number of contentious decisions made by the umpires.

This prompted a renaissance in Cardiff’s batting with Nick Creed, Edward Brown, George McCullough, James Tomlinson and last man Tanuj Sud all making more than 20 runs each.

Cardiff then set about defending their respectable total by troubling the Glamorgan openers with only new signing David Hemp getting in the runs with a fine 70.

Spinner Sud and left-armer Tomlinson were the pick of the Cardiff bowlers with four and three wickets respectively.

And Tomlinson, who is contracted to Hampshire, produced a Glenn McGrathlike spell of seam bowling with four consecutive maidens to leave Glamorgan struggling at the end of the first day.

But, with Wallace in fine form and tail-ender Davies

chipping in with 47 not out Glamorgan asserted their professional status to pile on the runs on the second day to set Cardiff a total of 147 runs to make up.

The students seemed to be making good progress with opener French making 45 before falling to Robert Croft.

However, with mutterings from members questioning the need for these matches, Cardiff capitulated as Glamorgan’s ‘professional’ tactics of putting eight men around the bat, began to work.

Only Creed with 30 not out put up a brave defence as Croft, Dean Cosker and Alex Wharf took two wickets and Andrew Davies claimed three of Cardiff’s lower order to wrap up the visitors innings on 145.

Keith Newell and Alun Evans duly scored the nine needed as Glamorgan secured a morale boosting victory by 10 wickets as they look to improve their early season form for the next Championship match away at Worcestershire.

A large, especially vocal and inebriated Glamorgan crowd failed to make an impression on the studied concentration with which Cardiff prepared for the game.

With the game underway Glamorgan exerted some early pressure on the Cardiff defence.

But it was not long before the attack was broken up and the ball redistributed.

Cardiff were minus a few players, travelling as they did with only a thirteen man squad.

However, the midfield force was truly awesome with Jon Collis and Jon Davies

Continued on page 14

PHOTO:CHRIS JACKSON

Swim glory Gary Linekar reporting

STAND IN mens’ captain Tim Marshal, and fresh from receiving her AU colours, womens’ captain Kathryn Coats, led a depleted Swimming squad to Nottingham on Saturday for the final of the BUSA division 2 swimming team championship.

The team, who left Cardiff considering that promotion was impossible, answered their critics by securing promotion with a 4 points gap over Exeter to take third promotion place, behind Manchester and Staffordshire.

Cardiff will next year compete in the top flight of BUSA swimming against the likes of Bath and Loughborough.

The individual events got under way with strong individual medley performances from Nicci Llewelyn and Gary Rees.

Throughout the afternoon some outstanding performances were to follow.

For the men, Oliver Newcombe showed some first class backstroke in the 50 and 100 meters.

In the same distances for freestyle the ever-reliable Crwys

Continued on page 12

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