Zimmer Frame Man
Dylan’s Never Ending Tour rolls into Cardiff Printed at Westcountry Design and Print
Inside GRiP: Intergalactic warfare with Star Wars
gairrhydd
Explosion fears Student’s terror after go up in smoke gang attack
MONDAY 20TH MAY 2002 / FREE WORD 722
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY
David Lindsell reports
THE UNIVERSITY’S Health and Safety department has defended itself from a `slapped wrist’ by Academic Affairs officer Ian Hibble over the disposal of potentially hazardous material in the Chemistry labs. Hibble, sitting on the University Health and Safety Committee as a Union representative, had raised concerns to Gair Rhydd about Health and Safety standards. He said, “In the meeting it was reported that some old stock of potentially explosive diispropylether had to be disposed of by the ‘bomb squad’. This alarmed me slightly. “The committee then went on to say that there could be more old chemicals in a similar nature in cupboards,in the Chemistry department and in others such as the Pharmacy and Bioscience.” He continued, “Quite clearly this was a cause for concern and I had it minuted that “this committee should send a slapped wrist to the Chemistry Dept and ask that they regularly check their cupboards and report any new potentially hazardous material.”
Lydia Kirby reports
The Main Building, where the Chemistry department is based and below Ian Hibble, who raised concerns about safety standards in the University
However University Health and Safety boss Bernard Mallows defended the chemical removal as a normal procedure. “It was only a gramme in this situation. It had dried out from a liquid state when it is totally safe to a dry state where it could explode if shocked. “The worst an ‘explosion’
could do is smash the bottle it was placed in.” “All materials are properly registered. The only issue here is whether to register all materials centrally or continue to register departmentally.” “Since the cost and organisation of central registry would be very high we’ll carry on with the departmental registration.” John Bowley, University safety officer, denied that a specialist ‘bomb squad’ was used. “We haven’t had a bomb squad out for ten or more years. This material was potentially explosive with the emphasis on potentially. “It was perfectly safe within the department. We informed the health and safety people that we were ready to have it removed and they informed BIFFA the removal firm. BIFFA
arrived and followed their own safety guidelines for transport of materials.” Natasha Hirst, Union Disabilities Officer, and a postgraduate student in the department also confirmed the high safety standards the university kept for disposing of hazardous materials. However, she added her concerns over some aspects of safety. She said, “My main worry is the speed at which things get done – I asked my supervisor for a flashing fire alarm to be installed in my lab, because I’m deaf, back in October and nothing happened, so I brought it up in a safety meeting two months ago. “The alarm was installed yesterday, after much passing of the buck, some seven and a half months into my PhD.”
“It was reported that some old stock of potentially explosive chemicals had to be disposed of by the ‘bomb squad’. This alarmed me.” ACADEMICS AFFAIRS OFFICER, IAN HIBBLE
A CARDIFF University student was the victim of a vicious attack that left him with broken ribs, severe bruising and a black eye. First year James Granger, who suffers from a heart defect, also had his false ear ripped off when a large gang of men attacked him on the cycle path near Talybont Halls of Residence last Friday night. James said, “I was walking back to Talybont when a group of 10 to 15 blokes came down onto the cycle path. “I was walking through them when one hit me in the face. I fell to the floor and they started kicking and punching me.” The 21-year-old was forced to stay in hospital for two days as hospital staff feared his injuries might have repercussions on his heart. Police found the prosthetic ear at the scene of the attack but the student will now have to wait for a new ear to be reconstructed. James has returned home to Dorset to recover and
admits that he is now anxious about coming back to Cardiff. “I do feel nervous. Maybe that will change. To think that people can go around and not get caught is terrible.” he said. Acting Detective Inspector Bob Tooby said, “This attack was totally unacceptable and we’ve put a team on the inquiry. “We will be examining CCTV footage. We won’t let this drop.” The cycle path near Talybont Halls of Residence, where the attack took place, was the scene of several flashings last year and police have warned students to avoid the path if possible and to walk in groups. Student Liasion Officer, Bob Keohane said, “The cycle path can be very quiet at night and is best avoided. “Stick to main roads where there are street lights and people around rather than back routes.” Police are appealing for anyone who may have witnessed the attack, which took place between 9pm and 10.15pm on Friday 10 May to contact Cardiff Central CID on 029 2952 7420.
“Luckily, the World Cup happens only once every four years, and in typically patriotic fashion, in the interim the British endearingly forget exactly how crap our national teams actually are.” CHARLOTTE SPRATT TAKES AN ALTERNATIVE LOOK AT WORLD CUP FEVER P27 News p1–4 ● Letters p7 ● GRiP 9 TV listings p20 ● Features p27 ● Sport p30
News 2
IN BRIEF Dodger escapes EU THE FUTURE of tea time favourite, the Jammie Dodger, is safe despite an EU directive that threatened to banish the biscuit from shop shelves. It was initially feared that the dodger would have to be renamed because of a change in the way that foodstuffs containing jams and preserves are labelled. Had it not been for an eleventh hour reprieve the popular snack would now be named Fruit Flavoured Spread Dodger.
Keep Cardiff Tidy RESIDENTS IN Cardiff are being encouraged by the Council to name and shame litter hot spots as part of a new campaign to clean up the city. The ‘Keep Cardiff Tidy’ initiative, being run in association with the South Wales Echo, is the largest community project the city has ever seen. It is hoped that by 2003 the amount of litter dropped in the city will have been cut by a half. Residents who wish to report litter black spots can contact the council on 02920 872087.
British ‘bunk it for Beckham’ BRITAIN’S WORKERS may be forced to ‘bunk it for Beckham’ during this summer’s World Cup. A survey by GMB Trade Union has revealed that only one in four companies are making special preparations to allow employees to watch the England matches Only 23 per cent of the 200 companies surveyed across Britain were granting time off to their workers to watch the England first round qualifiers on 7 and 12 June. During the last World Cup, absentee rates for some England matches were as high as 70 per cent.
Gair Rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434/436 ADVERTISING 02920 781416 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union
Gair Rhydd MONDAY 20TH MAY 2002
BNP student takes fight to the campus “He went on to explain his views, guaranteed to disgust many”
Mark Cobley reports MARK COLLETT, a 21-yearold student at Leeds University who has represented the British National Party (BNP) in recent council elections, has spoken to Gair Rhydd about the rise of the far right in British politics. Collett comes across as intelligent and articulate, an apparently ‘regular guy’ who likes the pub and chatting up girls just as much as the average student. And yet, he is an enthusiastic campaigner for the BNP, the leader of the youth wing, and stood for the party in the Harehills Ward, Leeds, a few weeks ago. The BNP are often accused of being racist, fascist thugs, however Collett is very clear on one point. “I’m not a racist,” he says, despite the fact that he is full of contradictions. “I don’t hate people because of their skin colour. I’m just a British person who doesn’t want to
Leeds University (inset) BNP member Mark Collet
see my culture destroyed by immigrants.” Mr Collet, now on a right-wing roll, went on to explain his views guaranteed to digust many. “So long as they assimilate [into society] it’s not a problem. But there’s a large number of immigrants who refuse to assimilate, who form their own ghettos. You could walk through some places and not know it’s England. “The people, the smells, the architecture, the shops,
Violence flares following derby soccer match Abbie Jackson reports VIOLENCE ERUPTED last Monday night between Cardiff and Swansea fans after the FAW Cup final at Ninian Park, Cardiff, despite preventative measures taken by the police prior to the match. The duration of the match itself, which Cardiff won 1-0, was relatively trouble free. However, problems began as fans made their way out of the ground after the final whistle. Police in the club car park were pelted with missiles and at one point mounted officers advanced to disperse a group of troublemakers. Attending the match, Gair Rhydd Sports editor and Swansea fan, Chris Wathan, felt that trouble started as a result of police mismanagement. “The numbers of fans leaving the stadium at one time meant that we had nowhere to go. I was disgusted with the heavy handed approach taken by the police.” Two years ago in a similar incident, a Swansea fan was trampled to death by a horse and, reminded of this incident, fans were angered by the actions of the police.
However, police claimed the tactics were efficient and their considerable presence had prevented any greater disorder. In an attempt to eliminate violence between the rival teams, all Swansea fans were bussed to the stadium. Fans had to apply for tickets in advance and prove that they were from Swansea. In the run-up to the match, a policing operation led to the arrests of 32 Swansea fans who were identified as potential troublemakers. The fans were detained at police stations across Cardiff. Two further arrests were made after the game. The first involved a 24-year-old Cardiff fan from Bridgend who threw a missile inside the ground. Meanwhile, a 21-year-old from Merthyr was arrested after he was identified as being involved in trouble at Cardiff’s match against Stoke on May 1. One police officer was taken to hospital with a shoulder injury. The incident were a sad culmination to a period of several weeks of largely trouble free football matches in the capital.
black faces everywhere – it’s like you’re in India. If they won’t integrate then they should be offered a financial incentive to go home.” Mr. Collett desperately tries to make the BNP sound reasonable. He doesn’t sound, or look, like the Nazi skinheads portrayed in the media. “That’s because there’s a media conspiracy against us.” Collett says. “They call us Nazis and thugs, and focus on the small group in
the party with shaven heads. So, if a BNP government was one day elected, I ask, how would it treat students, and more importantly, foreign students? “The BNP has a growing student wing,” Collett says, “and our policy is that students have been grossly neglected by society. I think we should return to grants, not fees. As for foreign students, I have no problem with them coming here to learn so long as they go home again afterwards.” What is causing dismay among a British majority determined not to allow extremist groups to get footholds in the political landscape is how the BNP has been refining its image. Slowly but surely, the party are edging towards respectability by preaching populist agendas to deflect
interest from their more dubious policies. Worryingly, this strategy in France transformed the image of Jean-Marie Le Pen’s National Front party from a collection of extremists into a major political force, supported by 18% of the electorate. In a recent poll conducted for the Sunday Times, 22% of British people said they might vote for a respectable, credible far-right party. If Mark Collett and others like him succeed, the BNP may one day become just that. For its part, Leeds University (rated as the most politically incorrect university campus on the BNP website) where Mark is a student, took the opportunity to “disassociate itself totally from opinions expressed in the media by student Mark Collet” in a recent press release. In the council election Mark polled a pathetic 3.8 per cent and was forced to put his political career on hold for the time being at least.
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News 3
Gair Rhydd MONDAY 20th MAY 2002
Equal pay Pub giant sets sites on Cathays still elusive Lydia Kirby reports
Female will earn less despite having the same education as men
Dominic O’Neill reports A NEW survey has revealed that women graduates earn 15 per cent less than their male counterparts even before they are twenty-five. The study, put together by the Equal Opportunities Commission (EOC), shows that women will earn less than men even if they attend the same university, take the same course, achieve the same degree result and then go on to work in the same industry.
EOC statistics published last week also show that more than 50 per cent of male and female students think there is no difference between the amount men and women are paid as they enter the same job. Having questioned 340 students in Cardiff, London and Edinburgh, the survey also found that women are more likely than men to say there is a difference in promotion prospects after entering the workplace. National Union of Students
JOMEC admits enrolment error THE CHAIR of the Undergraduate Board of Studies in the School of Journalism Media and Cultural Studies has apologised to students for problems during enrolment, as reported in Gair Rhydd last week. Students were kept waiting for several hours at preenrolment earlier this month. Many were then told they would be unable to take many of the modules they wanted. Professor Justin Lewis said, “We would like to apologise to students for the delays during enrolment this year.” “We were using a new system, designed in response to students’ feedback from previous years, but underestimated the amount of time it would take to sign people up.” “We’d also like to thank our students, most of whom remained good-humoured and patient despite the delays. “We have done our best to deal with any other anomalies that might have
president Owain James said, “It is unbelievable that in the twenty-first century women are not paid equally.” “The evidence shows that despite equal and often better academic success, the disparity in pay still exists between male and female graduates.” After nearly half of all students said a commitment to equal pay from an employer would influence their choice of job, the NUS have launched an information campaign in conjunction with the EOC to encourage job seekers to ask employers to demonstrate that they are committed to fair pay. “Women are getting more confident about asking about child care provision and flexible hours, but they also need to address the pay gap. “It is time to make sure that employers respond to the EOC campaign,” Owain James continued. Previous EOC research taken as part of their on-going ‘Valuing Women’ campaign shows that the pay gap only gets worse as the graduates’ age increases. EOC chair Julie Mellor said, “Students now leave college with huge debts that will take years to pay back. The burden on women will be even greater if they are earning less than men. “For many, it will mark the beginning of a lifetime of inequality.”
PUB CHAIN Wetherspoons has revealed plans to open its fifth Cardiff pub in an area highly populated with students. The pub giant has submitted planning permission to set up a pub in Crwys Road, Cardiff, just two doors away from the Crwys pub. The company, who set up their first pub, the Prince of Wales, in the city centre just three years ago, have announced that, if this proposal is successful, it will be looking to open even more pubs in Cardiff. A Wetherspoon spokesman said, “Cardiff is a vibrant,
successful city. “We have four pubs in Cardiff already but the proposals for Crwys Road will not be the last because we are on the lookout for more and more sites.” Leaflets have been being distributed to around 2,200 homes in the area to assess the reaction of residents to the proposal. “It is a very large development and could have an impact on Crwys Road which would be a matter of concern,” said Cathays Liberal Democrat councillor Jon Aylwin. Student Rich Waters, who is renting a house on Robert Street just behind the proposed site, is surprised that another pub is opening
in the area. “There’s already quite a few pubs in that area but I suppose there are lots of students as well who will always be attracted by Wetherspoon’s cheap prices. “I’m here next year too and expect I’ll be there quite a lot if it’s open then.” Rich’s housemate, Kate Wade added, “I go to the Prince of Wales and the Gatekeeper in the city centre quite a bit.” “I reckon that, with the large number of students in the area, the pub will do quite well.” JD Wetherspoons is one of the largest pub chains in Britain with 560 pubs nationwide including five in Cardiff.
The proposed site for Wetherspoon’s new pub on Crwys Road
Welsh Universities in cash flow crisis
occurred, and our academic and administrative staff have worked hard to iron out any inequities.”
Dominic O’Neill reports
The long wait for enrolment
WELSH UNIVERSITIES are in financial crisis, according to officials at the Higher Education Funding Council for Wales. Forecasts released last week show that ‘wafer thin’ bank balances mean more investment in our universities will be impossible until at least 2004. The Welsh Assembly has also been warned that its planned mergers between various Welsh universities (including Cardiff and UWCM) will not be able to take place under the current financial situation. A report by the National Assembly into the merger had reported that the creation of the new university would not only benefit students at both institutions, but could also make a contribution to the health, social and economic well being of Wales. The funding council says the main problem is that no
less than six universities, nearly half of the higher education sector in Wales, is spending more than it receives. There is no almost no more money to give out to the Welsh universities, despite their having achieved financial parity with funding for English universities for the first time last year. New buildings, laboratory equipment and wages for new staff could have to be put on hold for three years or more, officials said. Funding Council chief Phil Gummett commented, “It’s going to be very tight.” “Our job as a funding council is to try to see ways to release additional money so that we can achieve the assembly’s aims.” “But the problem is that, although overall the sector is in a break-even position, that is not the case for these six institutions.” They also believe any further down turns in the overall economy would push all the
universities into debt, meaning more and more cuts. Such cuts could lead to a general fall in the standard of education at the universities. According to Mr Gummett,
“This is not a good position to be in. Staff costs are already rising faster than inflation and we are expecting demands for expensive initiatives such as equal pay across the sector.”
The University of Wales is reported to be in serious financial trouble
Gair Rhydd MONDAY 20th MAY 2002
News 4
Archer takes a shot at cricket
The Week In Print
Dominic O’Neill reports
Disappointment as Blair escapes ‘bite’ of Paxman
Dominic O’Neill reports IT WAS plugged as “the biggest interview of the year.” Maverick presenter Jeremy Paxman takes on his greatest challenge yet in three interviews with Prime Minister Tony Blair on the BBC’s current affairs forum Newsnight. The programme’s usual ratings were boosted with an audience of 2.5 million viewers, but many were left disappointed with Paxman’s inability to draw anything significant from the PM on his fifth anniversary of coming to power. The Guardian commented that “the champ barely laid a glove on the contender,” while the Daily Telegraph agreed that Blair had been left “sitting comfortably” and that Paxman was “all snarl and little bite.” The Independent com-
mented that the presenter’s had adopted a “kinder, gentler style” for the Prime Minister. The show saw none of Paxman’s trademark technique of repeating the same question over and over. But Blair’s stance on the Euro unequivocal: he wants Britain to join. He said that Britain’s national interests would be betrayed if entry was stopped for purely political reasons. He reasserted that the issue would be decided through a referendum if the Treasury’s five economic tests were met by June 2003. Paxman failed to extract a date for a referendum, and Blair refused to admit that the government has a timetable for joining, although he said that it could be “getting close.” The first interview saw
Blair relieved after Paxman (inset) proves a softie
Blair admitting, “I would be the first to concede that the drugs policy is not working.” He also defended the beleaguered Transport Minister Stephen Byers saying, “If people were more fair to him they would respect the decisions he has made.” After being asked if the Minister would still be in the job by the next election he said, “I never comment on reshuffles.” The Prime Minister also
Spielberg gets BA after 34 years
Lydia Kirby reports OSCAR WINNING Director, Steven Spielberg has obtained his degree – 34 years after dropping out of university. Despite having directed box office smashes and receiving an honorary knighthood, Spielberg dropped out of the California State University in 1968 to pursue his movie career. Last summer, at the age of 55, the world famous director re-enrolled at his old university and completed his bachelor’s degree in film and electronic arts. Although he didn’t attend lectures, Spielberg submitted essays to complete the course. Ironically, many of the tutors on the course use Spielberg’s films as part of their lectures. Spielberg has described the degree as ‘my longest postproduction schedule’ but stressed that completing his degree was a thank-you to his parents for giving him the opportunity for an education and career. “I wanted to complete my degree to show young people everywhere about the importance of achieving their college education goals,” he said. He added, “But I hope they
defended the Labour party’s fund raising activities, in particular his decision to accept money from Express Newspapers. He said he was not familiar with the content of the group’s pornography publications. But he added, “I do know that if someone is fit and proper enough to own one of the major newspaper groups in the country, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t accept donations from them.”
JEFFREY ARCHER returned to the world of decision-making and responsibility last week when he began the season as umpire for North Sea Camp jail cricket club. The incarcerated Tory expolitician was seen walking onto the pitch with a white coat over his regulation prison fatigues. Despite having been jailed for perverting the course of justice, his decisions were trusted and there were no reports of corruption. But the game was only his first of the season, and his teammates are far from respectable. Cheating to make Michael Atherton look like a saint could well be expected: the peer is in an excellent position to empathise with his teammate’s dishonesty. But Noel Bear, captain of the Axe and Cleaver pub side from nearby North Somercotes said, “He was fair to both sides. He looked a bit haggard and was very shy. But there were no controversial decisions.” Lord Archer of Westonsuper-Mare (or Prisoner FF8282 as he is officially known) is apparently an avid cricket fan and still a loyal supporter of the MCC and
Somerset cricket team. He was sentenced to four years in jail last July for perjury and perverting the course of justice during a libel trial against the Daily Star in 1987. He had won £500,000 damages after the paper said he had slept with a prostitute. He is said to be continuing production of his lucrative rash of thrillers while he is serving out his sentence. The prison side lost by seven wickets after batting second. It was their second consecutive loss against the pub after they also lost 8-2 in a football match earlier this year. But Lord Archer is confident that his side can pick themselves up. He said they have “one great advantage throughout the season: we always have to play at home.”
Archer proves a fair umpire
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Champagne all round as Spielberg gets his film degree
get there quicker than I did.” He will attend his degree ceremony on May 31 but is happy to take a back seat and receive his degree with all the other students. President of the University, Robert Maxson said, “It’s pretty obvious that his motive in
returning to school was not financial or career driven.” Spielberg is currently working on two films, Catch Me If You Can, starring Tom Hanks and Leonardo Di Caprio and a thriller, Minority Report, due for release in the United States in June.
Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk
www.cardiffstudents.com
Programme until Thursday 23rd May. Please ring the information line for this weekend’s listings. Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (U) 10.00, 11.00, 12.00, 1.00, 2.00, 3.15, 4.15, 5.15, 6.30, 7.30, 8.30 Fri - Sun 11.00, 1.00, 1.30, 2.00, 4.15, 4.45, 5.15, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30 Mon - Thurs 9.45 Daily Except Sunday Late Shows Fri, Sat Only 10.45, 11.45
Advance Screening The Majestic (PG) Wednesday Only 9.00
Warm Water Under A Red Bridge (15) 11.55, 3.00, 5.30, 8.00
The Business of Strangers (15) 11.30, 1.30, 3.45, 6.00, 8.10 Late Shows Fri, Sat Only 10.30
Waking Life (15)
11.10, 1.30, Daily Except Sat & Sun 3.50, Daily Except Fri & Tues 6.15 Daily Except Fri, Mon & Tues 8.45 Daily Except Mon Late Shows Fri, Sat Only 11.40
Showtime (12)
11.20 Daily 1.40, 4.00 Daily Except Sat, Sun 6.25 Daily Except Sat, Sun & Tues 9.00 Daily Except Tues 9.15 Tues Late Shows Fri, Sat Only 11.30
About A Boy (12)
11.00, 1.20, 3.50, 6.20, 8.50 Late Shows Fri, Sat Only 11.20
Ice Age (U)
1.30, 3.30, 5.30 Sat & Sun Only
UGC Kids
Saturday Morning Only £1.50 per ticket
Monster Inc. Starts 10.00 Ends 11.30
The Closet (15) 11.30, 1.35, 4.00, 6.20, 8.30 Late Shows Fri,. Sat Only 11.00
I am Sam (12) 11.10, 2.15, 5.20, 8.15 Late Shows Fri, Sat Only 11.20
Dog Soldiers (15) 1.20, 3.40, 6.10, 8.45 Daily 11.00 Daily except Thursday
Slackers (15) 11.45, 2.15, 4.20, 6.30, 9.00 Late Shows Fri, Sat Only 11.15
Panic Room (15) 11.55 3.10 5.50 8.40 Late Shows - Fri & Sat Only 11.10
Roadkill (15) 1.20, 3.40, 6.30 Daily 11.10 Daily Except Sun Late Shows Fri, Sat Only 11.40
Bend It Like Beckham (12) 11.30, 2.10, 5.00, 8.00
Return to Neverland (U) 11.00, 12.50 Sat & Sun Only
Senior Citizens Club Thursday Only £1.70 per ticket
American Beauty (15) Starts 11.00 Ends 1.00
blagging
Competitions ● 08
gairrhydd, Monday 20 May 2002
THIS WEEK: THE GREAT 2002 SPRING CLEAN – WIN THE VERY WORST BLAGGING HAS TO OFFER
Respect the Family A
h, the gameshow. Golden child of today’s television controller. I think it was Dr. Johnson who said, ‘if it’s not a soap opera then it’s a chuffing gameshow’. Rarely do I cast a glance boxwards and not find a set of teeth in a shiny suit chortling along with a troop of slackbrained moronic contestants. That said, today’s gameshow seems to have gone a bit more upmarket (relatively speaking). Gone are the wobbly sets and duff ‘chequebook and pen’ style prizes. The ugly ducklings of yesteryear – Blankety Blank, The Price is Righthave blossomed into the ill-lit corporate slickness of Millionaire and Weakest Link. So all hail Family Fortunes, a gameshow which refuses to dumb down or become all Channel 5 and tongue-in-cheek. Family Fortunes cherishes it’s outdated and risible features – the blocky scoreboard, the ‘ner-ner’ buzzer, Les Dennis’ faceand retains them in the show. You’d think they’d look old-fashioned and rubbish by now. Hang on... they do. But that’s okay. Don’t change the formula,
War is the answer gairrhydd Drop your answers in to the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union. Or you can send them to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN
T
here now follows a lengthy description of a German-made strategy wargame using a pointand-click interface and a fully functional 3D landscape, featuring over 8,000 fully rendered units. If you’re not into this kind of thing, read it anyway, as it is the literary equivalent of a cold shower. Cossacks: European Wars is a real time strategy game for the PC, based on historical events that took place during the 16th to 18th centuries in Europe. It features over 85 missions and battles, including campaigns, tutorial missions, single missions, historical battles (including the Thirty Year War, the Seven Year War and the Northern Wars) and a random map generator. The expansion pack, Cossacks: The Art of War, features new ships, new nations, a map editor and five new campaigns comprising over 30 missions. Still here? Terrific. ‘Cos get this, you groovy cats: we also have a hat to give away! Oh yes, a lovely deerstalker hat just like the Cossacks themselves wore. Wear it and you’ll look like a big Russian bear about to kill someone. Two games and a comedy hat as well? It’s like a big bundle of geeky delight.
Alternatively, e-mail your answers and contact details to: gair_rhydd@ hotmail.com Win this stuff or I’ll give it to the poor.
Win Cossacks PC games Where does a general keep his armies? A: B: C:
Up his sleevies In a drawer In a fancy hotel
that’s what I say. What Family Fortunes has done, however, is produce a PC game based on the we-asked-one-hundred-people-andour-survey-said formula. We have five of these – a veritable fortune, some might say! Narf, narf, oh my life – to give away. And get this, man: they’re signed! By Les Dennis himself! By his actual hand, in what looks like biro! Good god, what are you waiting for? Enter! Enter enter enter!
Win a Family Fortunes CD-Rom Les Dennis is a... A: B: C:
Blond Brunette Redhead
Ah, but would you shag him?
Letters ● 7
gairrhydd, Monday 20th May 2002
Letter of the Week The author of this week’s Letter of the Week wins a relocated horse and a previously door-banged cabbage Dear Gair Rhydd, In response to Siwan Roberts' fire-breathing pro-Welsh language article last week, I have to say I feel pretty much the same frustration, that most people come here to study (theoretically anyway) here for a few years, swan around Cardiff, do all the typical student things then disappear back home without even seeing a fraction of the rest of this great country or even attempting a stab at the basics of the language. I think the University should make it compulsory for every nonWelsh student to sit introductory Welsh language and culture exams in an attempt to instill culture into them, especially as most people in this uni are from South and South-West England (though not all are middle-class, Mr. Gareth Adams), places they will usually disappear back to after finishing here (unless they choose to work here if they love this city as much as I do). And they should also sit slightly more advanced exams at the end of their courses demonstrating what knowledge of Wales and its people they have acquired during their time here, and if they fail this their degrees should be withheld until they pass. This will be very unpopular I know, but as Siwan will testify, such drastic measures are surely called for (though personally I think this is letting them off lightly). Keep the faith all of you Ceri 4th year Astrophysics Lettersdesk says: Hmmm, that’s one way to cut the number of applicants to this uni. Sadly, “culture” isn’t something you can ram down people’s throats. Anyone interested, though, could always nip down to the forthcoming Eisteddfod in Bute Park, where all aspects of Welsh culture will be being explored, with the emphasis on drinking to the point of urine-drenched oblivion.
A Wo r d f r o m RAG Dear Gair Rhydd, As members of the committee of Rag, the winner of this years Best Society and Best Society Event we would just like to thank everyone who have supported us throughout this year. To all of the people who have helped us when it comes to organising events. To
the Non-Sabbs who have never minded us taking over the office every Wednesday afternoon. And most of all, those of you who have stopped and donated money every time we have thrust a collecting tin in your faces. This year has been our most successful for a long time. We have raised over £23,000 pounds for many different charities including Meningitis Research Foundation, Muscular Dystrophy
Campaign, Anthony Nolan Bone Marrow Trust and Ty Hafan. Thanks to all Rag Committee 2001/2002 Lettersdesk says: Nay, it is to you we offer our thanks, committee of RAG, for your dedication to drunken debauchery in the name of charity. Heres to more of the same for many many years to come.
Macky Madness Dear Gair Rhydd, I don’t know how aware the readers of this paper are of the upcoming changes to the Mackintosh Pub in the centre of Cathays, as plans are afoot to change the friendly local pub into something else entirely. Y’see, the only pub in Cathays (except possibly the Firkin) where both the locals of Cathays and the student population can feel at home has been earmarked for a major refurbishment over the summer which would result in yet another young person based pub in the area. Now, I don’t know if it’s just me, but don’t we have enough of these kind of pubs around here? The End, the George, the Woody, the new Social and the Union are clearly all within spitting distance of each other. Do we really need another pub with loud music and no regard for the locals of Cathays? Also, the Macky is possibly the only place in Cathays where all kinds of people mingle, i.e. professionals and students together. Also Six Continents (some men in suits who own the Macky), in their infinite wisdom, have decided to make the landlord, Rob Cashman, move on. Rob has worked there for 11 years, and transformed the pub from a brawling house into the friendly local that it is today. So, the point of this letter is that we are protesting. Come into the Macky anytime and sign a petition
that has been set up against these proposed changes. It shall be sent off shortly to Six Continents, so please come and sign it. Do you really want to lose a very important part of Cathays? Yours, Richard Dixon Letterdesk says: You heard the man. Get down to the Mackay ASAP, sign the petition and do something for local community.
Havin’ a Bawl Dear Gair Rhydd, The news that the Union has messed up the bookings for this year’s Summer Ball shouldn’t really come as a shock. After the well-intentioned but rain-soaked farce of that was the ball two years ago, the Union seems to be recursively scaling down its ambitions for the event. Finance officer Alex Molokwu’s comments are insulting – bands drop out all the time, but you’ve got our money and don’t seem to be putting it to any good use whatsoever. The whole thing stinks of greed and manipulation on the Union’s part – getting those tickets sold out as soon as possible was obviously the top priority, far above the wishes of the paying students. The Union realise that the only freedom we have to register our discontent in a situation like this is with our wallets – and not buy a ticket. And now even this minor privilege has been taken. So if the Union wants to retain its cuddly, caring student-friendly image it needs to do two things. Firstly, don’t jump at the chance to sign any old bunch of one-hit wonder whorebags (Wheatus for God’s sake?!) and compensate the ticket holders for this year’s ball – a partial refund or some drinks vouchers might help ease the pain. Secondly, learn from your mistakes and don’t let this downward trend continue next year. When I won’t be here...(sniff)...just...got something
in my eye... Yours, Gareth Lloyd Lettersdesk says: It really isn’t the Union’s fault if they sign up a super-group such as ‘the kitten’ and promote tickets on that basis only for the band to decide they’ve got better things to do than visit this outpost of popular culture. And to brand Wheatus as one-hit wonders is hardly fair . . . I can think of at least two top ten hits of theirs, and very fine hits they are too.
Media-ocrity Dear Gair Rhydd, In response to Daniel Barnes’ Focus on the Student Media Awards, I must protest at the way he has portrayed those involved. I for one, do not appreciate his cheap swipes at the organisation of the night and his complaints about the video screens not functioning perfectly. I believe Mr. Barnes needs to ‘focus’ on just how much effort people put into making the technical side exist in the first place. We are not professional organisations and as such people give up their time and effort out of enthusiasm for our student media, not because we are all ‘wannabe celebrities’. A full list of winners would also be appreciated as opposed to a select few getting their name mentioned in the most glamourous categories for both Gair Rhydd and Xpress Radio. Yours, Tom Bowker Xpress Radio member Lettersdesk says: Quite right. As a ‘wannabe celebrity’ myself, from what I can remember the awards went very smoothly, one slight technical hitch aside. I particularly enjoyed the pretentions of glamour/swank instigated by certain parties, although the free booze on offer was also a bonus.
Please send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.
Crossword
Welcome once more fans to the wonder that is the bottom half of letters page. Forget about essays. Forget about exams. Forget about your friends. Just you, a pen and the GR crossword. How can it be wrong when it feels this good? ACROSS: 1.Stifle sound (6) 4.Envelop (6) 9. Piece of cheap jewellry (7) 10. Large country house (5) 11. One of the body’s vital parts (5) 12. Prison beneath a castle (7) 13. Collective name for two or more lions (5) 15. _____ Pole, Antarctic (5) 20. Ginger haired person (7) 22. Follow from (5) 24. 11 that circulates the blood (5) 25. Treat tyrannically (7) 26. Deliberately annoy (6) 27. Public building for concerts, lectures etc. (6)
1.Formal proposal at a meeting (6) 2. Highland _____, Scottish dance (5) 3. Represented as similar (7) 5. Adult female (5) 6. Divergent line (7) 7. Wandering (6) 8. Study, in music (5) 14. Spread outwards (7) 16. Regard too highly (7) 17. Small dirty child (6) 18. Style of speech (5) 19. Objects washed up on shore (6) 21. To lift or praise highly (5) 23. Turnip-like vegetable (5) Get your answers to the gair rhydd office before Wednesday and the winner will be announced in the next issue. 721’s winner was Aled ‘Cheaty-Pants’ Williams. I just knew you could do it. 721’s solution: ACROSS: 7. Classy; 8.One-Way; 9.Use; 10.Fume; 11.Keys; 12.Hur; 14.Seven; 17.Emery; 19.Avail; 20.Sixty; 22.Magma; 24.Fed; 26.Spry; 28.Norm; 29.Inn; 30. Ostler; 31.Gullet. DOWN: 1.Allude; 2.Isle; 3.Nymph; 4.Sower; 5.Beak; 6.Sawyer; 13.Usage; 15.Vex; 16.Nay; 17.Elm; 18.EKG; 21.Impose; 23.Morsel; 24.Fairy; 25.Dingy; 27.Yale; 28.Nile.
DOWN:
Name:_______________________ Email:________________________ You know you’ve got problems when . . ._______________________________ __________________________________________________________________
This week’s winner wins a meal for two at Chillies Restaurant and Takeaway
GAMES Monster, Monster, Monster!
ARTS Transitions Dance Company
MUSIC Bob Dylan Live
Inside: Get There! The ultimate guide to Cardiff and beyond!
Contents
02. Get There
Newly interactive and more pointless than ever: it can only be Get There!
04. Books
Books guru D.C provides some insightful comments about some up-andcoming literary releases.
05. Music
Music review the legend that is Bob Dylan at the CIA, and rise form the flames with Fenix TX.
08. Film
If you haven’t already turned to the centre pages, get there immediately to see the Film Star Wars Celebrity Death Match, and find if the long awaited film is any good.
10. Arts
Arts get a taste of modern dance with the Transitions Dance Company from London.
11. Games
Games don’t like Sonic in 3D, nor do they enjoy Tonka Trucks on a computer game.
15. TV Guide
Far funnier than it has any right to be – it’s the Gair Rhydd TV guide!
GRiP Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Mike Parsons Arts Lizzie Brown and LaDonna Hall Books D.C. Gates Film Neil Blain Games Chris Faires Music Gemma Curtis, Andy Parsons and Gemma Jones Get There Neil Krajewski TV Listings Nick McDonald, Steve Hurst, Amy Butterworth and Alex Macpherson GRiP needs your help! We are overworked and losing our minds. Visit our media penthouse on the 4th floor of the Union or • E-mail ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk
02
Get There
et There enters the final straight. Anyone hoping for a final burst of energy should wait a few weeks though as, once again, G Get There remains the only page that looks the same every week but is in fact different! This week, we review absolutely nothing and interview no-one. It’s all about dates in out little world and we’re all the better for it. Remember, gang: Get Hip – Get There!
Exams appear, deadlines arrive, but you all still love Cardiff enough to make looking at this page worthwhile! Good luck over the next few weeks and remember Cardiff will still be there waiting for you once it’s all over.
of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub. Possibly. Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for. Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night. Retro Night @ The Roxy Free entry. Retro music played in a club, one presumes. Oh, the joys of blatant sarcasm!
Union
Tuesday 21/05
Monday 20/05
Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free. Everyone needs to escape every so often. Why not support your Union as you emancipate yourself from your desk. Watch out for those cheap drinks though.
Tuesday 21/05
Candy @ Solus Postponed for this term, but set to return in September.
Wednesday 22/05 Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50. Noted absence of activity on Union steps suggests attendances are falling. The Union’s solution: buy one Lash ticket and get a Jive one free! Inspiration of the highest order achieved without the acquiring the burden of an unpredictable music policy. Splendid! Economic analysis plotting the value of the lack of time spent queuing and drinks prices against the virtues of potentially free admission are welcome.
Thursday 23/05 Well, there’s always the Tav.
Friday 24/05
Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50 Now the weather has warmed up perhaps this night is set to compete with student barbecues, but I doubt it. You should of course be at home listening to Xpress though!
Saturday 25/05
Flirt @ Solus 9pm - 1am, free In a gesture to reward your loyalty, the Union offers you the chance to spend another craazy night in the presence of a host of ‘Dance anthems’.
Sunday 26/05
Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, £1 Laid back sounds, wine and food. Decide on their order of importance for yourselves.
Clubbing Monday 20/05
Rational Thinking @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Drum’n’Bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings. Happy Mondays @ Barfly Sounds like a cash-in off the back of 24 Hour Party people to me, but you could always go and find out. Salsa Lessons @ Bar Med Probably an inferior version of that hosted by Bar Cuba, but probably worth a look. Guru Vibrations @ Berlins 9pm-2am. Soul, funk, hip-hop and, er, 80’s. NUS only. Why bother? One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue. Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus. MAD @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. Rated Cardiff’s best by Zeus, you only need stand outside and look what’s next door to find out why. Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh? Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition
Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk. Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in! Tonight featuring DJ Mass. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses. Hoochy Koochy @ The Emporium 9pm-2am, £1 b4 10pm/£2. Student madness, courtesy of the amusingly named Jockstrap 5. Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd. Bonk @ Zeus 9pm, £3 Teens, tunes and terror. Oh the joys of subtlety. Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place. Open til 1am just like most places. Alternative Beats @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day. Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thunk it?! YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm, I dread to think what this might entail. Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun! Karaoke @ Reds If you must, I’ll not hold you back, but don’t expect me to join you unless you’re offering a duet. Shall I be your George, your Kiki or your Elton? Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously. Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s. Bar 150 @ Bar Med Everything £1.50 all night. Beware that this fact alone might not justify the name magnificent.
Wednesday 22/05
The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities.Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffeur, but highly unlikely. Twisted by Design @ Model Inn £2 Official pre-Welsh club night, get stamped at Clwb and then come back here to enjoy a few hours of indie from the 60s to the present day. Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average. DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings. Shooters and Slammers Party Night @ Bar Med Theme night, where you get to shoot the retarded fuck-wits that drink here with a large gun, then slam their heads repeatedly into the bar. Maybe. Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out. Down to It @ Berlins 9pm-2am. I’d rather not, thanks. Ever. Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name. Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little
Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out. The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott! Is it Chilled? @ Is it? Cafe. Bar. Place. If your week has brought you down to the depths, perhaps you’ll end up here to sink down still further. Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing. National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective. Wipeout @ Reds Meet UWIC students at their own night and steal secrets that could potentially accelerate the demise of the University of Wales. Handbag 120 @ Zeus 9pm-2am. Utterly evil with garage and r’n’b.
Thursday 23/05
Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though. Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late night bar and drinks offers. Hard House @ The End... DJ Jomec does the honours. Big In Japan @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. The coolest Japanese thing this side of Banzai. Cracking tunes, cool clientelle and a permanent in Clwb Ifor. Corking night all round. Plush @ Emporium £3 /£2. Anything with a groove, says the press release, and they’re not far wrong. Sexy, sassy and really too good for a Thursday, Plush truly is a top night for those who like their R ‘n’ B, garage and house slinky and sexy. Of course, if you’re a big Sisters of Mercy fan, you should give it a miss. Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass. From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance. Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Soul Power @ Liquid 9pm-2am. Soul and R & B, with Trevor Nelson every other week. A more extensive, and far less effective, version of Plush. Higher Learning @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hip-hopping and funky nature. Excellent night. Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray! Cabaret @ Minsky’s Show Bar Cabaret is the order of the day, usually courtesy of camp men dressed as women. Great fun, actually. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that Noel ‘All Man’ Sullivan of Hear’Say used to work here. Nudge nudge, wink wink etc.. Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry. Aspire @ Reds 9pm-2am. Great. Alternative Student Night @ The Roxy 10pm-2am. Another night clinging on to the word ‘alternative’, as if it makes any piss poor cobbled together event worth a look.It doesn’t. As The Strokes sort of said, This Is Shit.
Friday 25/05
Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8 Andrew Wetherall of Two Lone Swordsmen fame plays a selection of the tunes that everyone will probably end up talking about. Here at Gair Rhydd we already know about them, but we’re going to force you into Clwb to hear them. Wetherall is joined by hip-hop marvels, Slum Village. Tremendous. Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs.
Want your club night or event to be listed in the legendary Get There section? Then email us at SSUGR1@Cardiff.ac.uk including the date, time, price of your event, including any drinks promotions and we’ll include you on the page.
03
Get There
Four Von Bondes Von Bondies + guests Tuesday 21st May @ Barfly, 7.30pm, £6
Yes, there’s four of them, they’re from Detroit and, in case you could forget, they’ve supported the White Stripes. It’s easy to fall onto a bandwagon, but since those wagons rarely pay their tolls and come to slay the cynical Welsh drago that accusation shouldn’t really apply. As suspected, they play garage style punk rock. For added interest they promote the fashionable boy-girl combination without lapsing into Sleeper bloke gloom (those were the days, weren’t they!). You’ve probably guessed that there’s not all that much I can tell you, but they record for the fantastically named Sympathy for the Record Industry label, home to so many fantastic acts, and we all need something to get excited about just now don’t we? Forward Motion @ Moloko Cardiff’s underground comes together for those who can’t afford Emporium or Clwb. Chaos @ Metros 9pm -3am, £4 DJ Hwyel offers a selection of tunes in an alternative vain. Drinks 4 FREE @ Liquid 9.30pm, £5 entry with 4 free drinks as a bonus if you arrive before 11pm. You’ll have to be over 20 though; who knows what that drink might do to you otherwise. US Garage @ The End...
Mellow Mellow @ Metropolis Not the same as Metros; no this, is Metropolis where tonight Andy Loveless continues to move his mobile entertainment installation around the city. Is his name related to the My Bloody Valentine classic? Meet him and find out. Flirt @ Club X 10pm - 4am, £9 It may have the same name as one of our union nights. Why not go to both. Attend tonight and you’ll be entertained by K-Class, The Superstarz and Andre. ROAR @ Vision 2K A confirmed appearance is rarer in the world of house and trance. Like the Gair Rhydd team, you always finds there’s so many demands and so little time. Listening to all those new 12”s can be so tedious too! However, if they have the time, you can expect to see Corvin Dalek, Scott Bond, Matt Hardwick and, the inimitable V2K resident, Fry. Heavy Metal @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Unsurprisingly, heavy metal. Actually very good at what it does, though.
Saturday 17/05
8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin. Great. Heaven @ Evolution 9pm-2.30am. £10. Brash and brassy hard house night, with a liberal sprinkling of? Its not a sodding wrestling match, people, its a frigging disco! Exit Club 8pm, free entry before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Commercial chart and dance. Again! PLAY SOME DIFFERENT SODDING MUSIC! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Get Down and Groove @ Flares Til 2am. Funky disco says the press release. A bit crap says Get There. You decide.
Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though. Deliciously Wicked @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Repulsively awful would be a more accurate description. Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look! The Big Party @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. The party sounds like a great idea. Sadly, it’s in Dylan’s. Funky Techno @ The End... 8pm-11pm, with One Mission DJ’s. At last! A night a decent night at The End. The ever reliable One Mission crew do what they do best – make people smile and dance! Skool Disco Party @ Philarmonic 9.30pm -2am The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler. Weekend Madness @ Bar Cuba 10pm-2am. £2/£4. DJ Andy Loveless. L’America @ Emporium 9pm, £10 Featuring appearances from Knee Deep, Craig Bartlett, Dave Jones and Neil Young Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray! Glam Night @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Expect an orgy of all things glam. Apart from Gary Glitter, of course. And Jonathan King. Or that bloke from Slade... Desire @ Zeus 9pm-3am. A night so unimaginably bad, I refuse to waste a witty comment on it. Deep Heat @ Club X Dance and Funky house Worldwide Special @ Liquid Can you resist.
Sunday 18/05
Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs.
Live Music
Indie fest hits Cardiff once again. Over the next few days featuring representatives from America, Iceland, England all find a way of blessing our beleagured nation.
Monday 20/05
Halo + Serafin + Midasuno @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Horrific nu-metal Muse wannabes are joined by respected local act. Associates of Midasuno and Serafin, abandon your friends, boycott Halo’s Sony sponsored racket and leave them to get dropped.
Tuesday 21/05
Von Bondies + Modey Lemon + Guests @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 See above left.
Wednesday 22/05
Georgia + Transposer + Helen Zachariah
@ Barfly 7.30pm, £3 The Alarm + The Mighty Wah Band + Spear of Destiny @ Newport TJs 7.30pm, £14 A short timeline for you. In the last months, The Alarm have played, in sequence, Solus, the Coal Exchange and now tiny TJs. I doubt even your parents will know about the band and for £14 there’s a lot better things you could do. Pete Wylie of the Wah Wah band is quite fun.
Thursday 23/05
Zion Train + Dragon Collective @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £7.50 My most prominent memory of Zion Train is a flyer advertising them in Polish that I was given a year ago. They seem to have been around for decades, but perhaps this is the source of appeal. Anyway, they deal in dub sounds; if you don’t anything about dub visit a library or just go along and find out. Babylose + Deface 7.30pm, £3 Spam friendly pop punk act of young hooligans.
Friday 24/05
Miss Black America + Anti-Hero + Hub-Ush @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 John peel faves make the long haul from, of all places, Bury St. Edmunds, Suffolk. Electro Prog Pop Punk with winning tunes to match. Expect the tear stained faces though if they’re followers of the men in blue. Watch them hand out Nationwide leaflets!
Saturday 25/05
Yellow Food Fobia + Reluctance @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Gorkys Zygotic Mynci + Squeezebox + Talkshow + JT Mouse @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £5 Two room affair featuring Welsh indie veterans and emerging hopefuls. I cannot recall attending a bad Gorkys’ show, expect the hits, the jokes and much else besides.
Sunday 26/05
Acoustic Jam @ The Toucan Club 8pm, FREE. A chance for all budding songsters to get up and show off their wares, which is usually a good thing.
Arts Welsh National Opera @ New Theatre A new season begins. Various performances across the next few weeks., Call in at the New Theatre for more details
Coming Up
Everyone needs to leave the house or the library at the some point. Therefore, if there’s nothing that catches your discerning eyes this week then take a glance at these forthcoming events. Kid 606 @ Clwb Ifor Bach Monday 10th June, £10, 9pm - 2am Amazing noise pioneer in rumoured Cardiff appearance shock! The most exciting Clwb event in ages. A@ Solus Tuesday 28th May, £10 The first band I ever saw and perhaps the last to play the Union this year. Pop-metal-rock spectacular for those who can bothered to part with their cash. Even with three albums behind them, ten whole pounds is a little too much to expect from students now. Fugazi @ Bristol Academy Sunday 9th June, £7.50 The problem is can I wait this long. A band capable of making you forget all others roll in the UK for the first time in about five years. They’re from Washington DC, they’ll make a considerable amount of noise and, if the 22:50 train back to Cardiff isn’t full I’ll be a disappointed man. Words cannot even hope to convey my excitement about this end of term thriller. Spiritualized @ Great Hall Thursday 27th June, £12 From opera houses to University social centres, Spiritualized are certainly coming down. Nevertheless, I don’t doubt that there’ll be fantastic
booksreviews
Announcement
C u l t C o rn e r
in colour!
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS
Hunter S. Thompson (Flamingo Modern Classics, 1971) In at the Depp end... EW PEOPLE in the world can boast that they can be more convincingly like Hunter S. Thompson then the man himself. Johnny Depp can. His stellar performance in the film version of this classic novel quite frankly kicked a helluva lot of ass. Hunter, you see, is a bit of an eccentric gentleman. Among his favourite hobbies is shooting the kind of gas cans that you see fork-lift trucks running off in place of diesel or petrol. The kind that say DO NOT PIERCE OR EXPOSE TO HEAT. Nevertheless, he shoots them with a twelve bore. If the above amuses you in any way then you MUST read this book. Its elevation to the status of classic is fully justified. Thompson’s veering, unsteady, journalistic prose borders on the insane thanks to the ‘mobile police narcotics lab’ that he and Dr Gonzo take to Las Vegas with them. If your idea of fun is watching the hilarious things that people in the midst of crystal meth binges do, then look no further. Thompson manages to balance out the drug taking and madness with a fair amount of political, counter cultural comment, which will hopeful please all of you puri-
F
BOOKS: book burn. Book make big fire. Fire make food go hot. Hot food good. Hot food real good. Me like teevee
ABOVE: L-F. Celine, bemused as always BELOW: Crowley: say hello, kids
YES! For once in its brief existence, Books is excited! Next week’s issue sees the establishment of the grand prize draw: prizes of up to £1.00 are up for grabs! Do battle with great figures of literature for BIG MONEY! Gamble whilst you learn – it’s fun! NB: ‘Big Money’ might differ from your expectations.
04
If your idea of fun is watching the hilarious things that people in the midst of crystal meth binges do, then look no further
tanical socialists out there [Oh no it won’t. I want blood, damnit! And whisky]. The Flamingo edition features the added bonus of having Ralph Steadman’s fantastic pen and ink illustrations to liven things up further. It also features a great shot of Hunter himself, draped patriotically in his old glory. Yes,
THOMPSON: here’s what drugs do to you, folks: this picture is in full colour. And that’s his real hair
tafarnsportsspecial Get your teeth
Live International Footie 11.30 am
into NEW
THERMAL TUES 21 MAY 02 BITE
ENGLAND VS SOUTH KOREA
£1 A PINT ON
Fosters / Worthy / Strongbow Until first goal scored
Plus The Taf Exam Promo
Offer ends Fri 14 June
dear reader, he is borderline insane, and that look in his eyes tells you everything you need to know about this book. Read it, or weep. I would like to make it clear that I in no way endorse the taking of drugs, but if you have any going... Sam Brokenshaw
Green AFTER SHOCK
£2.50 a double.
Monday 20 May 02 Sunday 26 May 02, Tafarn or until stocks last.
musicsingles NOVACANE Love Be My Lover
(Ruff Life Records)
(Direction)
SHARING MORE than just a syllable with danceanthem writers Chicane, Novacane have produced a super-fast song written predictably for super-clubs. True experience of this song requires you spend £15 walking into a dark room filled with enough people to prevent any form of dancing and drink neat tequila mixed with sherbet. Penny Stevens-Keller’s Madonnainspired vocals are spine-tingling and strangely hypnotic with lyrics as beautiful as the title suggests. Whether there’s room for such an unoriginal, unprovoking tune in today’s overpacked charts is debatable but that shouldn’t matter when music makes your heart bleed. Dave Gibson
WILT Take Me Home (Mushroom)
WILT RETURN with the first single from their soon to be released second album My Medicine. If you were a fan of Cormac Battle’s previous outfit Kerbdog, you will be glad to know that it is definitely more of a return to the grungier sounds of old, than the janglyness that marred Wilt’s first album. Unfortunately,the song doesn’t reach the heights of classic Kerbdog songs like Mexican Wave, but nevertheless is a step in the right direction that bodes well for their forthcoming album. Owain Cooke
PARVA Good Bad Right Wrong (Mantra)
IT’S GREAT when rock bands inspire the kids to pick up their guitars – or so the myth goes. The unspoken truth is that all it leads to is a lot of unimaginative people clogging up the indie circuit with Ash tribute bands. Parva, for instance. Good Bad Right Wrong chugs along, merrily inane in its mediocrity, melody never once threatening to infiltrate proceedings. Meanwhile, even chill-out compilers would dismiss b-side Vending Machine as aimless muzak. Pretty much unnecessary. Alex Macpherson
SLOVO Sertão Blues
05
NEAT TRIP-HOP that keeps the perfect balance between samples, electronics and real instruments. A rural blues guitar lick plays off against drum machines and the (obligatory) breathy female vocal, while the wonders of sampling technology have Hound Dog Taylor – the six-fingered blues legend – hollerin’ from beyond the grave in the background. And, like Taylor, Slovo prove that a stupid name can’t stop you having great tunes. Mat Croft
Brando’s Boys
SAVES THE DAY At Your Funeral (B-unique)
The world is seriously lacking in this kind of nonsense at the moment. Úber-geeky American mongoose men squeaking their way through emo-ska pop song after emo-ska pop song. This is like that unspeakably ace American Hi-Fi song from last year, only with the slow bit in a different place, and deciding to use the ever-popular theme of death, rather than the other theme of the genre: “urgh your boyfriends crap”. And they have a silly name. If only they’d made a comedy video involving the band dressed as recently deceased celebrities, they could’ve had a hit. Still fucking class, though. John Widdop
THE KENNEDY SOUNDTRACK Killing Music
BRMC: Cheery chaps
BLACK REBEL MOTORCYCLE CLUB Spread Your Love (Virgin)
(Instant Karma)
AH, THE joys of adolescence. Gareth Gates may be untouchable in the acne stakes, but Pontypool outfit The Kennedy Soundtrack seek to corner the market in angsty lyrics. Only trouble is, it’s a rather over-crowded market right now. The only distinguishing feature of this rather uninspired numetal number is Nic Havard’s frankly embarrassing rapping, and it’s one we could have done without. ‘You don’t like my style, you don’t like how I do shit’, he – somewhat inevitably – moans. Too damn right. Alex Macpherson
ANOTHER BAND helped greatly by the NME’s overly enthusiastic remarks, this single from BRMC is pretty darn good, thank god. From the blaring guitar riff to the harmonica fills, Spread your Love is brash but lucid and its catchiness assures you’ll be humming along to it all day. It is of course blatantly reminiscent of ‘another song’ from ‘another era’ (answers on a postcard) but it’s not as if any of us are old enough to remember the songs first time round is it? Katie Brunt
(RCA)
video of the boys as musketeer-heroic types. Bop Bop Baby maintains that cheesy-grin, upbeat style that Westlife somehow impeccably manage to keep up song after song, despite lyrically being about how heart broken and depressed they are. These lads just get bigger and bigger and I’m sure one day, much to the delight of 11 year olds everywhere (and me) they’ll take over the world and we’ll all asphyxiate on their cheesy godliness. You heard it here first…Gemma Jones
HOORAY, THE teeny-boppers favourite pin-ups are back, and may I say with a rather scrummy
NIKKI WEBSTER Strawberry Kisses
WESTLIFE Bop Bop Baby
(BMG) OH DEAR, you can tell it’s nearly summer when record companies feel the need to poison our systems with toxic waste like Nikki Webster. The female equivalent of Aaron Carter not only manages to make you nauseous, but rips out your intestines and double knots them with this sickening slice of bubble pop. Worse still is that after hearing it only once, you find yourself singing it and like some sort of brain parasite there seems to be no avoiding this evil. Take cover and head to the hills… Gemma Jones
Blazing Arizona FENIX TX are halfway through their UK tour and it’s been going great, apart from some over expectant fans. “A few nights ago there were these two girls who were the last two people left in the club and we were like, “We’ve gotta leave, what are you guys going to do now?” (in a high pitched voice) “Can we come with you?” “No, not really I don’t think there’s any room...” The Texas punk-pop band are promoting their new single Threesome, the first to be lifted from their new album Lechuza and have been touring with their friends in RX Bandits, who they also toured with last year when they supported New Found Glory. Singer/ guitarist Willie Salazar says that’s when they decided to take them out on tour again. “We had a lot of fun with them last time and they’d been our friends for a while, so we just brought them out again. Next time, we’re gonna bring out the band Lefty (whose frontman Dennis Hill appears several times on Lechuza), because everyone needs to know who Lefty are.”
Before last year, the only time Fenix TX had toured in the UK was when they supported Blink 182 a few years ago. Since then, Blink 182 have become the largest punk-pop band in the world, so would Fenix like to be that big? Willie considered. “I’d like to live in the houses they live in, they have some real cool toys, but there’s a thin line between how big they are and how popular they are. They can go out and buy a Mercedes in cash, but they can’t go into the mall alone because they just get mobbed. You can’t really decide between one or the other because they both come separately. That’s the price you have to pay and I don’t think I’d want to be that rich or that famous, I just like where I’m at right now.” This tour has been easier for them, because rather than driving around in a van, they have a big “cool” tour bus. “It’s cool to come out here and have fans. In the States, there’s very few places where we can go and play a show this size. We definitely don’t get a tour bus in America, we have to drive ourselves around. We’re from Texas, and Texas the state is bigger
than the whole of the UK. Here you can drive from one coast to the other in 7 hours, and it takes 16 hours to get across the state.” Does this mean they have more time to look around? “Not really, it’s more or less the same. We get the venue early in the afternoon or late at night, sleep in front of the venue, go inside play our show, get back in the bus and go to the next city. We come, we play and then we leave. I wish I could come to Europe and have a chance to go sightseeing. We see so much cool shit along the way, but we can’t stop for it.” Fenix TX’s new album is named after a mythical bird that was used as a bogey man to scare young children, which might seem a strange title for an album of songs about relationships. “Lechuza wasn’t our first choice of name, our label stopped us from choosing the other ones. It was something we thought about at the last minute, and all thought was funny. We’d heard the story all from different people at different points in our lives, but the basic ideas behind it were all the same. We had some funny names for the second album, like Purple Rain and Blood as in the Prince and Slayer albums, I can’t remember any of the others.”
At that point, drummer Damon De La Paz wanders down the stairs into the room and helps out. “Purple Rain and Blood?”, We already had that one. Um, Something Bad’s Gonna Happen, The Antidote, actually I liked Antidote, why didn’t we call it that?” Willie replies; “Because MCA didn’t push our record and it would have been like ‘why did you call it Antidote?’ and we would’ve been like, ‘because we want to destroy all the rap metal bands’ and they would have said ‘Yeah, but your record didn’t do shit.’ So how much control does their record label have? “There’s only so much you can do being in the band, and you expect the record label to do a whole lot more,” replies Willie. “If you don’t work then they don’t work and if they don’t work you can’t work.” Earlier in the week, one of my friends had sent me a text PIC: Robin Jackson
Observant music fans may notice Fenix TX gracing the live pages from when they recently ‘rocked’ the Coal Exchange . Owain Cooke caught them pre-gig, to talk of gigs, girls and guitars
message, asking if he should bother going to Fenix TX, so I put the question to the band, to see if they could convince him. “Because there are lots of hot chicks at the shows,” says Willy. “Yeah, and next time we’re gonna charge forty or fifty bucks,” agrees Damon. Luckily, you can catch Fenix TX again for considerably less than fifty bucks when they support A at the Students Union on May 28th.
musicalbums
Transmission revamped A ND SO this is what we have been waiting for. An intensive atmospheric layering of sounds levelled against frontman Jimi Goodwin’s boisterous yet remarkably soulful vocals, returning to and developing from the magnificent splendour of Doves 1999’s debut longplayer Lost Souls. With their time away the threepiece have constructed a compilation of beautiful significance from simple song-writing supremacy, melodies and a heavy heaping of atmosphere. The Last Broadcast should be recognised as a masterpiece of celebratory alternative pop, so much above the usual restrictions of guitar music. Opening instrumental Intro gives way to the explosive epic dominance of Words despite its underpinning by a glockenspiel, an instrument previously only of primary school music class japery. Used throughout, it is remarkably transformed into a compelling background addition. Such achievement shouldn’t come as a surprise however, as each track is suitably sprinkled with distinctive nuances. And so although there is a
commonly fervent and euphoric sound across the album, it is not at the loss of individuality.Thus the blatant command of speed-freaked Pounding and the treat of the fulllength version of the slick dynamism that is There Goes The Fear, is interspersed with the big gospel sound of Satellites. The off-beat hyper-bare M62 Song and enigmatic calm of Friday’s Dust proves that a little quiet is not a little boring and the title-track’s awkward tempo and Goodwin’s transcendent voice establishes a haunting nicety. The bands travels and long-time Stateside expeditions provides the lyrical inspiration for N.Y, perhaps more so being an excuse for a veiled exploration of the ‘self’. Similarly, Caught By The River tells ambiguous tales of an individual in crisis. But rather than wallowing as a story of woe, the final track allows an emphatic, flamboyant ending of splendid bravado. Doves have made a genuine album, consequentially expressive and emotive. Here’s to the migration period in between material being a little shorter this time round. Gemma Curtis
DANKO JONES Born A Lion (Bad Taste)
BREAK UPS can be extremely expensive. Awkward circumstances often prevent the effective retrieval of lent CD’s, shirts, underwear, and in extreme cases one can find oneself houseless, carless, childless and with a fuckoff monthly maintenance bill that’s actually double your income. One Danko Jones on the other hand seems to have profited from his history of woman trouble. Without his misfortune with the fairer sex the wealth of earthy riff and fag fuelled growl Born A Lion simply wouldn’t exist. It’s a primal roar of a blues rock album which is in effect a concept album about how women give you headaches, grey hairs, and generally fuck you over. In short it’s the soundtrack to a soul being torn in two. “If you meet the girl of your wildest dreams she’s gonna turn out to be a curse”, “If you wanna know how to play the blues, get yourself a woman” and “You’ll find true love with a woman not a girl,” spits Danko over a Jon Spencer Blues Explosion steamroll of Hendrix speed anthems. The pace is never let up and as a result leaves no room for reflection, Jones has a cruel gruff snarl that grabs the gullet for eleven tracks. If you think you’re escaping his grip you’re wrong. Not that you’d want to, Born A Lion is a captivating contemporary blues album that rewards total aural engagement. Enough to turn any man celibate. Jamie Fullerton
FREQ NASTY Y4K Next Level Breaks
06 “there’ll be no more tears to waste on me”. The only real complaint with the album, is the fact that it only has nine songs, but if you fancy some quiet music with a bit of depth, you’ll enjoy this. Owain Cooke
HUNDRED REASONS Ideas Above Our Station (Columbia)
IT’S BEEN quite a year for Hundred Reasons, what with touring non-stop and gaining a wellrespected place at the top of the British EMO scene. The much anticipated Ideas Above Our Station is like a mini timebomb waiting to go off with explosive track after track, even making room for harmonies on tracks like the awesome Answers and Dissolve. There really isn’t a bad thing I can say about this album – it is sheer brilliance. If there is one album you buy this year make this it and you won’t be disappointed. Potent, dynamic and ruthlessly intoxicating, if you thought the singles were good, this album is not to be missed. Gemma Jones
DOT ALLISON We Are Science (Mantra)
DOVES: Good tunes and beards
THE CHARLATANS Songs from the Other Side (Beggars Banquet)
IN THE wake of possibly The Charlatans finest album, to release a collection of B-sides spanning 1990-1997 seems odd. Sure Oasis, Suede and The Super Furries all did it, but whilst they were known for great B-sides, The Charlatans were not. Consequently, Songs from the other Side ends up as a rather dodgy sidesalad to The Charlies feast of a main career. Too often Songs... drifts into tuneless mediocrity. The first half, the sub-baggy Everything’s Changed and Happen To Die’s woozy psychedelia excepted, struggles above average. And by the time the deathly boring Van Basten remix of Feel Flows arrives, attention begins to wander towards the skip button. What this compilation does do is give a clue to this bands longevity. Each track here charts a progression from the last – never drastically altering the format but always refining, maturing and developing. When The Chemical Brothers remix of Nine Acre Court kicks in we’re into more familiar territory. This is the assured, more powerful and hedonistic Charlatans that we cherish today. Finishing off with a couple of their reasonably endearing Britpop-era Dylan-esque rambles it becomes all too easy to wonder what the point of it all is. Maybe these songs should have been left where they were – on the other side. Paul Barnett
(Distinctive Breaks)
TETRA SPLENDOUR Splendid Animation
WHILE SPRING develops into summer with daffodils and tulips in abundance, the prospect of dawn-breaking beats seems evermore attractive. In facilitating such images, Freq Nasty, the dreadlocked Brightoner, has released this, his first long-playing compilation on distinctive recordings. The likes of the Chemical Brothers’ Under the Influence and Public Enemy’s Bring Tha Noise are given the customary breakbeat treatment of rolling bass lines and exceptional drum machining. Betwixt such floorfillers lie bouncy dub beats and remix examples such as All over me by Aphrodite; thereby illustrating that dance music has diversified to far greater an extent than is often given credit for. With a moderately successful tour under his belt, coupled with a plethora of festival appearances, a renowned Miami residency and prospective releases to boot, Mr. Nasty seems to have his future pretty much mapped out. Andrew Davidson
REMEMBER WHEN you first heard Radiohead and your Dad tried to convince you that they were just a shoddy Pink Floyd? Well, while most of us were telling the old mong to sod off back to the sixties, Tetra Splendour were busy raiding his record collection. Armed with a prog rooting, and throwing in echoes of Elbow and Gomez (on the acoustic shouter Muriel’s Motorhome), they’ve made a distinctive sound for themselves in sing-a-long, wigged-out indie. It’s the sound of a band very much in their own world, apparently a reaction to living in Porthcawl: home of Europe’s biggest caravan site. The drawn-out epics of their live shows have been bonsai-ed into 3-minute pop tunes; while this makes it all more easily digestible, fans of the gigs will miss the crunchingly Kyuss-like jams (which were awesome), and the fantastic “Scuba! With a barracuda!” tune, which didn’t make it here either. Yet from the grandiose anthems Pollen
(Chrysalis)
Fever and Mr Bishi to the booty-shakin’ riffage of Global Village and Bless My Soul, we are left with a solid debut. The production is a bit coarse, but the depth of the songs and the maturity of the obscenely young band win through. Andrew Davidson
ARCHIVE You All Look The Same To Me (Hangman)
WITH APPALING timing Archive release their second album. With it’s patchwork of every currently unfashionable musical style You All Look The Same To Me would really have to go some to make any mark whatsoever. It’s a progressive trip-hop rock thing dontcha know? It’s best exemplified by Fool’s rough beats and gloomy vocal. Too many times though they try and cover too much ground. Album opener Again takes 16 minutes to lurch from acoustic melancholy to angry wailing to blissed-out atmosphere. Elsewhere Numb threatens to go all Chemical Brothers bonkers, peculiarly choosing instead to chuck a pounding, aggressive beat atop a fuzzy Spacemen 3 riff. With frontman Craig Walker attaining an impressive Liamesque rasp, Goodbye is a prime example of why Archive’s parts are worth more than their whole. It’s a slow burning, lighters-in-the-air epic oddly backed with a thudding, scuzzy drum loop. Ultimately Archive’s mish-mash of styles leaves this album with little of it’s own identifiable character. Being a jack of all trades You All Look... ends up as master of none. Paul Barnett
IT’S NICE when you’ve got successful friends. Dot Allison is married to Richard Fearless, who is one half of Death In Vegas and provides the album’s artwork. The other half, Keith Tenniswood (half of Two Lone Swordsmen with Andy Weatherall and also recording individually as Radioactive Man) has produced most of this, Dot’s second solo album. Appearances on the album are also made by Mercury Rev on Strung Out and tender album closer Lover, after Dot went to work with producer extrordinare Dave Friedmann (Mercury Rev, Mogwai, Flaming Lips, Delgados). None of this is really important though since Dot has written a superb album of affecting, heartbreaking songs. Reverting back to the electronic style of first band One Dove, rather than the acoustic songs of solo debut Afterglow, Dot has obviously developed an interest in the Detroit based Ersatz label, home to Electro stars Adult and Drexciya. Thus we have the pulsing electro groove of opener We’re Only Science and I Think I Love You where Dot’s luscious moans accompany Tenniswood’s ever sharp machine funk. Guitars do appear on the intense Wishing Stone and affore mentioned Lover, but the heart that beats at the centre of this record is definitely an electronic one. Dot thankfully sticks to her own wonderful voice, rather than use the already tiresome vocorder which pervades most electro related records. Her breathy sighs and swooping vocals are really what distinguishes this album from the rest. Dark and edgy it slowly seeps under your skin until you find it residing repeatedly in your stereo. If the Chemical Brothers produced Beth Orton’s new album and got things right, it would only sound half as good as this. We may be science but this album is naturally great. Andy Parsons
LAST DAYS OF APRIL Ascend to the Stars (Bad Taste)
WITH THE popularity of Swedish bands like the Hives, and the mainstream media’s sudden discovery of EMO, the time could be just right for Swedish emo band Last Days of April. While the songs on Ascend to the Stars initially appear to be simple throw away pop songs, after two or three listens, you notice that there is a lot more beneath the surface thanks to Pelle Gunnerfeldt’s masterful production. Layers of guitars, keyboards and strings are kept low in the mix, so rather than them overpowering the sound, they add to it and help create the deep melodic sound that runs throughout. At times, the album recalls Jimmy Eat World’s slower songs, like on the closing At Your Most Beautiful, which would have sounded at home on their Bleed American album, with it’s quiet keyboards adding to the emotion of singer Karl Larsson’s voice as he tells a former partner
DOT ALLISON: Electro Beauty
musiclive
07
Bobby dazzler
Sideshow Bob
C
ombining the CIA (a great soulless barn with acoustics so bad that it could rival Maindy Pool for the title of ‘stupidest place in Cardiff to put a band on’) with
Bob Dylan (aging hero of the 1960s counterculture, trotting out a back catalogue of which the best material was written more than thirty years ago) hardly sounds like a winning formula. Bob’s voice wasn’t the best in the world when he was at the peak of his powers, and it certainly hasn’t aged
ESSENTIAL FESTIVAL 2002 Saturday 4th May @ Ashton Court, Bristol. BRISTOL PROMISED a powerful line- up for the opening of Essential 2002. Beneath an awkward sky (hoodie on; hoodie off) six arenas and a following of over 30,000 docked the grounds of Ashton Court, rumbling with the sounds of drum and bass, dance and hip-hop. Early bird Adam F established a spirited crowd of warriors and princesses, giving way to DJ Hype who kept energy levels rising mixing up Shy FX’s crowd-pleasing anthem, Shake Your Body. Only the brave stayed on to battle Krust and Die of Full Cycle, a sharp outfit pulled together by Roni Size. Headliner Busta Rhymes gave a dubious performance before a crowd whose anticipation had evolved into frustration following over an hours wait for the performer. Alongside Spliff, Busta fired out the hits in the fabulous style such a masterful lyricist can, but his performance lacked soul and his audience became distracted. With a premature exit, Rhymes patronisingly advised the crowd to file home in a respectful and orderly manner. His closing words, “Don’t fuck it up for hip-hop,” are perhaps something he himself could learn from. Melanie Roberts
GUTTERMOUTH / THE LINE Newport TJ’s THE LINE provide a poor start to the evening. Despite the band’s best attempts, the normally bouncy Newport crowd leave a good two-metre space in front of the stage and instead stand nodding along and giving polite applause at the end of the songs. A bit like your average crowd at the Barfly then. The same almost happens for social punks Guttermouth, as the crowd stand motionless during their first song, it looks risky, but as soon as they burst into the next one, the crowd goes predictably radio rental, and all is saved. You could never call Guttermouth blindingly original or sonic trailblazers, as is shown by tonight’s set in which songs,despite being taken from over a ten year period more or less sound completely the same. The songs are entertaining though, and frontman Mark Adkins between songs humour, in which he takes the piss out of the cave-like décor of the venue, his band, and the crowd, is much more amusing than the piss and fart jokes of Blink 182. Guttermouth are not the greatest or most original of punk bands,but that doesn’t mean they aren’t enjoyable and they cries of the audience at the end for more prove that they still put on a good show. Owain Cooke
KING PRAWN/ WHITMORE/KENSIA Newport TJ’s BRISTOL’S KENSIA are an ideal warm up act for tonight. They have fun and catchy ska-punk tunes by the bucketful, the highlight of their set being X-Ray Specs, which has possibly the greatest chorus in the world – “I’ve got my xray specs - You’ve got no underwear!” How often have you left a gig singing along to one of the support band’s songs? Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Whitmore. While they are obviously talented musicians, their singer has a voice flatter than a run-over hedgehog and a lack of memorable songs means they need to go back to the drawing board. King Prawn are the one of the best ska-punk bands in the UK, and they prove that unquestionably tonight. In a similar way to CapDown, rather than just playing straight up ska-punk, they mix in their other influences, including hip-hop, trip-hop and metal to create a fresh exciting sound that suits them perfectly. One minute they sound like Rage Against The Machine, the next Cypress Hill, and they
use of slide-steel and twangy guitar solos in the arrangements gives the band something of a C&W tinge, while in an effort to make the material different, he changes tunes, phrasing and even lyrics; a habit that annoys and delights in roughly equal proportions. Sometimes you feel he’s throwing away great songs, sometimes improving recordings that you always thought were unimprovable. The crowd, as diverse a group as I’ve ever seen – comprising anyone from bearded geography teachers in M&S cardigans to teenagers in dog collars and Slipknot t-shirts with the sleeves torn off, tapped their feet politely and offered gentle applause a few lines into the better known songs. After two hours the set drew to a close, leaving me feeling slightly disappointed but admiring Bob for not falling into the same trap as most rock‘n’roll elder statesmen and simply turning out a note-for-note live version of his greatest hits collection. The encore, however, was what
fuse it all with tons of enthusiasm and energy that the crowd lap up. A special mention goes out to lead singer Al Farabi Rumjen for using two microphones, one in each hand, which compliments the band’s schizoid style perfectly. King Prawn should be huge, and if there’s any justice, their new album will be. Owain Cooke
EASYWORLD / THE MOONIES Barfly ANYONE REMEMBER Midget? They were a trio of ugly English boys playing ugly, twee indie pop songs called Invisible Balloon and had an album called Alcopop? Anyone remember Snug? Ed Harcourt’s band before he discovered he was talented, who had songs called Caroline and had Melinda Messenger in their videos? The Moonies clearly do, and seem to taken three-chord indie drivel as their guiding light and created a fairly unpleasant mixture. There’s a bit of diversion in the mid set stomper The Record Store, a song about (urgh) ‘wanting to make it in the music business’. And yes, they are ugly English boys playing ugly, twee indie pop songs and about
really made the night. Bob came back to play almost another 45 minutes. He returned with a barely recognisable version of Like A Rolling Stone, rocked out and fiery, my highlight for the evening. He then proceeded into Knocking On Heaven’s Door, the closest thing to the recorded track all night; Blowin’ In The Wind; and finally a terrific version of All Along The Watchtower that owed as much to the Hendrix cover as it did to Bob’s original. A clutch of other numbers were all performed with the enthusiasm and feel that was missing earlier in the evening. Bob’s early form hinted at a fading flame, still living on the strength of former glories, but by the end of the evening he had shown that a flame as strong as his, even fading, could still outshine the very best of younger challengers. Badly Drawn Boy may credit himself with bringing the singersongwriter back into fashion but for a lesson in how it’s done he could do worse than attending a Dylan gig. Peter Wearn
as welcome as German measles. Easyworld, however, are an entirely different matter. Actually, that’s a lie, because they’re pretty much the same bloody thing, only with two ugly boys and one girl who clearly aspires to better things, making the tedious indie pop trite combination this time. Songs like Junkies And Whores and Bleach may well be more likeable and ear-friendly than some of their peers, but still remain as average and mediocre as any other local band playing their first gig in a lowly pub in Gravesend. Easyworld spent most of the last year being third down the bill playing over-14s gigs on a nationwide tour supporting King Adora. During that time, they picked up a fourth chord, realized that the King Adora fanbase were the only people going to like their brand of jabbering sub-sub-sub-sub-My Vitriol tedium, and that, ultimately, they were third on the bill to a bunch of freakazoid monkey-experiments with no talent. Easyworld make unnecessary, average music that shouldn’t be bothered with, especially live. Just go and buy the recent Bluetones compilation: at least they WERE relevant. John Widdop
Pop-punk idols FENIX.TX Cardiff Coal Exchange The first band to play tonight are Shootin’ Goon, and despite a decent crowd reception, which almost certainly has something to do with them being a local band, their bland ska by numbers is boring, and not even a cover of YMCA saves them from being instantly forgettable. In contrast, RX Bandits are amazing. Showing that ska-punk doesn’t have to be terrible, they play a near faultless set, which is underpinned by some amazing drumming from Chris Tsagakis, who drums with the power of Dave Grohl, but with a funkiness that would put Chad Smith of the Chilli Peppers to shame. Their ludicrously camp saxophonist, the excellently named Steve Borth, also deserves a special mention for providing entertainment throughout the set with his dancing skills and for
“machine-gunning” the audience with his instrument. The first thing that you notice about Fenix TX is how loud they are. I’ve seen Mogwai several times, and never remember them being so loud that I had to turn away. This means that it made the gig slightly difficult to review, as it was to identify the songs instantly, unless they were introduced by the band. Still, the band put a lot of energy into their high-paced set and deliver a more than competent set of punkpop tunes that would make former touring partners Blink 182 feel proud. They even manage to get away with a suitably ramshackle cover of Nirvana’s Territorial Pissings, which in the wrong hands would have been blasphemy. Fenix TX still lack a Basket Case or What’s My Age Again?, but with the leap in song writing that the Lechuza album showed, you get the feeling that it’s not far off. Owain Cooke
FENIX TX: dual power
PIC: Robin Jackson
BOB DYLAN CIA
well. The nasal whine which gave a thousand bad singers hope of stardom has now developed a rough, gravelly edge. The lyrics, which were once so great a part of the man’s appeal, are mostly barely formed and unrecognisable. He presents the performance in a minimal style, not introducing a single song. His only spoken words come when he introduces his band at the end of the set. He’s dwarfed by the other musicians, a small figure hidden beneath a large white Stetson in the centre of strapping forms in matching suits that look as if they have stepped straight off a mid-‘70s album cover. As he plays his second song, a throwaway version of The Times They Are A-Changin’ he seems so bored, and so tired. I’m too far away to see the wrinkles, but I can sense that they are there. He begins to improve as he warms up, playing mostly lesser known material; the songs aren’t his best but you feel that at least he’s a bit more enthusiastic about playing them. The
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones What is the meaning of life? Is there a God? Who built Stonehenge? Where is Bin Laden hiding? What made the dinosaurs extinct? And, who is the hardest Star Wars character? All questions that have dogged mankind since he first crawled out of the primordial soup. Film attempts to answer at least one of them. So without further ado, Let’s Get Ready To Rumble! vs.
vs.
vs.
1. Yoda vs. C3PO and R2D2 The ultimate grudge match for who can become the cutest/ most annoying midget begins between R2 and Yoda. The two vertically challenged ones go at it while C3PO camps around in the background, crying “No R2 No”. Yoda soon sees off the two robots with a few bashes of his trusty stick.
2. Chewbacca vs. Ewok Despite being the best of bum-chums in Return of the Jedi, Chewy and the Ewok soon get stuck in. Things get hairy for Chewy when the Ewok’s furry little friends pelt him with rocks from the trees above, but being about four times their size, Chewy quickly acquires himself a new welcome mat for the Millennium Falcon.
3. Jango Fett vs. Luke Skywalker Despite the fact that Luke is the saviour of the galaxy, Jango Fett, with his array of gadgets, soon gains the upper hand over the whining little bitch, who is obviously too inexperienced and impatient with the ways of the force to compete with the real men.
Before Chewy has a chance to rip Yoda to shreds, the diminutive little bogey infects the Wookie with a nasty species of pubic lice (‘how?’ I hear you cry). Chewy suffers an itching fit and runs off to shave.
4. Princess Leia vs. Jabba the Hut Leia keeps it real for the feminists by distracting Jabba with her unrivalled beauty before choking him with his own tongue.
vs.
vs.
vs.
vs.
5. Darth Maul vs. Jar Jar Binks “You’s a people gonna die?” No Jar Jar, you’re gonna die, and we’re all gonna point and laugh.
6. Hans Solo vs. Stormtrooper Everyone knows Stormtroopers can’t shoot and have a tendency to run into things. The outcome is short and sweet.
7. Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. The Emperor Obi-Wan makes a first glancing blow with his lightsabre but the Emperor strikes back with his stupid, old man, electric hand thing, which unfortunately proves futile against the master Jedi Knight.
8. Darth Vader vs. Lando Calrissian Seeing as all Lando is good for is running away, the safe bet here would be on Vader.
vs. vs.
vs.
vs. 9. Yoda vs. Chewbacca
vs.
11. Darth Maul vs. Hans Solo In a scene reminiscent of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Darth
10. Jango Fett vs. Princess Leia Maul swings his double-edged lightsabre around him in We couldn’t have had Leia going out in the first round because we’d have had too many letters of complaint, but sorry girls, Leia’s just no match for our man Jango.
vs.
13. Yoda vs. Jango Fett Jango internally combusts when Yoda uses the force to anally insert Jango’s rocket pack.
a pant-shittingly stupendous show of swordsmanship. Hans sarcastically shrugs as he coolly draws his raygun and shoots Maul square in the chest.
vs.
14. Hans Solo vs. Darth Vader Although it pains me to say, despite being the king of cool, Hans is just no match for the prince of the dark side. I can’t watch!
15. Yoda vs. Darth Vader Vader attempts to distract Yoda by claiming to be his long lost twin brother, but Yoda’s too clever to fall for that one, knowing that not even nature would be cruel enough to simultaneously breed a tall handsome fighting machine together with a two foot piece of belly button fluff as siblings. Yoda uses the force to spin round Vader, skid under his legs and deliver a lightsabre enema. (Yoda learned years ago in Jedi School that a man’s weakest spot is his arse).
12. Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader “If you strike me down now I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine”. Bollocks.
And the winner is. . .
STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES Starring: Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Lee, Frank Oz, Temuera Morrison Dir.: George Lucas
I
n the grand scheme of things, is a review of a Star Wars film of any essential importance?Would it really stop somebody who has seen the rest of the franchise from going to see it, or will it manage to turn the attention of a disbeliever? I’m not sure, but the question on almost everyone’s lips at the moment, whether they plan to see Attack of the Clones or not is, ‘is it any good?’ Set ten years after the events of The Phantom Menace, Episode: 2 finds the galaxy once again in turmoil. Civil war looms as the renegade Jedi, Count Dooku, leads hundreds of solar systems in a succession from the Republic. When Senator Padme Amidala comes under threat from assassination, Obi-Wan Kenobi and the freshly trained Anakin Skywalker are brought in to protect her. However, the inexperienced Anakin begins to be
Yoda “Most powerful Muppet in the world I am. Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
overcome by strong emotions of both love for Amidala and hatred for the system that governs the universe, until his sanity becomes fragile.
Over the previous few years most of the speculation surrounding the production of Attack of the Clones involved the casting of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker. Many questioned whether Christensen had the acting experience to cope with the demanding nature of portraying a young Jedi who will suffer a moral breakdown and transform from keeper of peace to the evil Sith Lord Darth Vader. However, Christensen’s representation of the troubled youngster is entirely convincing, he is both tender and dedicated but also unpredictable, emotional, wild, brooding, and at times dangerous – all characteristics powerfully communicated through the young actor’s wild eyes and furrowed eyebrows. As usual the support is flawless. Ewan McGregor seems to have mastered his English accent, and with fully fledged beard, looks more and more like Alec Guinness every outing. With a solid performance from Natalie Portman as the maturing Amidala, a smooth portrayal of Mace Windu from Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Lee doing his usual spooky turn as Count Dooku, and an array of colourful voices provided for the multitude of exotic aliens and droids, the characters of the film excel. Unfortunately what is lacking in Attack is the friendly interaction between these characters. A much darker film than its predecessor, Lucas’ screenplay seems to have concentrated on the
EPISODE I: PHANTOM MENACE UPDATE For those who haven’t yet seen, or need to be reminded of the events of Episode I: The Phantom Menace, here’s a synopsis of the prequel.
A
fter a fierce tax dispute the Trade Federation attempt to occupy the peaceful planet Naboo, Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his young apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi rescue the headstrong Queen Amidala from their clutches and hide out on the desert planet Tatooine. Here the meet a young slave called Anakin Skywalker who has an unusually strong ability with the force. By winning a thrilling podrace Anakin wins his freedom and the parts for the Jedi’s escape. The heroes return to Naboo so that the Amidala can attempt to quash the invasion, and Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan are forced to face of with the Sith Lord Darth Maul. Qui-Gon falls in battle as the Republic triumphs, but uneasy feelings that this is the first stage in an intergalactic war are common.
characters as individuals or partners. While Anakin and Amidala spend most of the narrative relaxing together, and falling for one another, Obi-Wan turns into a space-age private dick as he goes it alone to pursue Amidala’s unsuccessful assassin. Although all the characters progress, Attack does seem to lack the camaraderie and joviality that the crew of the Millennium Falcon produced. Also, disappointingly, the much-hyped Jango Fett fails to leave a lasting impression. He’s not really all that bad, and as he claims is ‘just a simple guy trying to make his way in the universe’. As Fett is forced to take a back seat, the lack of a clear intimidating villain in Attack (such as the role that Vader supplied in the original trilogy) means at times the narrative is unthreatening and unguided. Although it possesses a little too much Americanised slang, Lucas’s script is, as usual, informative, if a little confused. Attack may be criticised for being at times too slow, plot heavy, and politically dominated, but this is understandable considering the number of events
Lucas has had to cram into Episode II. Despite its often overwhelmingly stuffy politics, the script still manages to offer light relief in the form of the loveable droids R2D2 and C3P0, replacing the irritating Jar Jar Binks who’s role is fortunately dramatically reduced. Although mainly dull, it does, however, manage to offer momentary sparks of wit, playing upon the audiences knowledge of future events (in one scene Obi-Wan complains to Anakin, ‘One day you will be the death of me’). Despite its limitations, Attack still manages to overpower its audience. All the usual features are included. The crawling prologue at the start. The astonishing speed of scenes all linked together with Lucas’ old school wiping technique. John William’s pounding score. Breathtaking digital cinematography of colourful alien planets. It’s Christian, Buddhist (and Fascist anyone?) undertones. Enthralling action sequences which leave the audience exhausted all produce a kind of childlike excitement that you won’t have experienced since you first saw the original trilogy. But surely, the impression most viewers will be left with as they exit Attack’s auditorium, will be, in a scene that must surely go down in cinematic history, is a digitally generated Yoda, lightsabre in hand and seriously kicking arse. Neil Blain
artsreviews
10
Welsh literary festival 2002 hits Cardiff Bay C
Writer John Williams
Writer Cathy Kelly
ardiff Bay was the setting for the Welsh second festival of literature. This was no mere literature festival though: it was an arts extravaganza featuring poets, accordion players, novelists, photographers, historians, singers and storytellers. Activities included a lunchtime taster of twenty-first century Welsh writing, along with the tasting of wine; the revisualization of the history of the Bay in a leisurely walkabout, and storytelling aboard ship – there was something for everyone. The festival was organised by the Academi, founded in 1959 to promote the literature and writers of Wales. It was officially opened by Jenny Randerson, Minister for Culture, Sport and the Welsh language. There were so many highlights that it is only possible to give a flavour of the event. The Butetown History and Arts Centre was the intimate setting for a dazzling evening of varied poetical forms in the ‘New Black Londoners’ evening. Jacob Sam-La Rose was first on
the evening) impressed with her selection of poems from her book Connecting Medium, effortlessly gliding from Barbadian accent, to cockney and ‘proper English’ tones. The star of the evening was the Nigerian Breis: a real performance poet who used a variety of poetical forms in the evening , including rap style poetry. Another poetical highlight was Liz Lockhead who performed two pieces in her inimitable style: a mixture of dramatic monologue coupled with prose letter and poetry. The Brief Bute Street Encounters Evening, combined the talents of the Minnesotan John Briggs with John William’s. John Briggs took us through the changing face of Cardiff Bay with insightful commentary and well-judged personal opinions. Through showing us many slides of buildings which are sadly no more he gave us a real flavour of life in the past, and ensured we knew the difference between Tiger Bay and the Docks. He provided a telling documentary of the disappearing docklands – a once vibrant multicultural area – and of its inhabitants. In the Bay Literary Walk, Briggs showed us the few remaining
funniest poem till last: and some lucky teenagers were stopped in their tracks by his wit – a triumph indeed. There were also many book launches. Priscilla Masters provoked a very stimulating discussion about schizophrenia, care in the community and the contentious area of where sanity ends and insanity begins. She described the Macnaughton Rules, where someone on trial pleads not guilty on the grounds of insanity. Her book, Disturbing Ground featured a schizophrenic patient who tells of disappearances: but can such a patient be believed? Similarly the ophthalmic surgeon Dylan Jones raised many questions. His book Outside the Rules described brutally violent acts graphically. It led to a discussion on crime and punishment and why Dylan Writer Dylan Jones was so interested in crime and so matter of fact in his descriptions. His scientific background helped. It was only, however, his doggedness that led to his 1994 book hitting the small screen on BBC1 in February 2002. His insights into the world of the media were The star of the evening was the fascinating. Nigerian Breis: a real performance The festival was poet who used a variety of poetical wound up in style by a trip from Mermaid forms in the evening , including rap Quay on board ship with passengers style poetry treated to tales of the and quickly injected a greater landmarks, and encouraged us to redeep, about mysteries, immediacy into proceedings by visualise how the docks had worked monsters and mermaids; chiding the audience when not in the past. His commentary was interspersed with sea shanties responding sufficiently to his accompanied by the tremendously on the melodeon. The festival welcome. The ever-restless biting wit of Ifor Thomas’s poems: was certainly not short of Dorothea Smartt (who should who cast his beady eye on many a variety of art forms: 2003 will have had her bangles building and entertained all with his be well worth attending on the Poet Dorothea Smartt confiscated for the duration of acerbic verse. He left perhaps his evidence of this. G.Leslie
PICS: Robert Moses
Transtastic TRANSITIONS DANCE COMPANY Sherman Theatre
I think I can safely say that most of those who went to see Transitions Dance Company perform at the Sherman last Wednesday would not have been disappointed by what they saw. Mystified, exhilarated and challenged maybe, but not disappointed. For those of us not completely ‘au fait’ with the exact aesthetic significance of contemporary dance concepts it was a tad bewildering at times, but all five of the pieces were delivered with such intelligence and physical proficiency that any confusion soon gave way to sheer enjoyment. Transitions Dance Company are based at the Laban Centre
in London where they have built up an enviable reputation which places them firmly on the map of international dance. The evening’s performance utilised the talents of five choreographers from all over the world and the individual nature of each piece was testament to their differing styles and artistic inspirations. The dancers themselves communicated a sense of complete involvement and physical harmony which was inspiring to watch. The opening piece was an exuberant offering, set to the passionate and uplifting fusion sounds of Marc Collin and Nitin Sawhney. ‘Brightside’ was the energetic creation of American choreographer Henri Oguike and focused on the way in which dance can invigorate the human soul. This gave way to a more thought-provoking composition by Israeli-born Jasmin Vardimon. ‘Oh Mr Grin’ aimed to challenge how we perceive the nuclear family, and with the clever definition of characters she succeeded in exploring different relationships while touching on the issues of madness, dysfunction and illicit sexual desire. At times disturbing, this piece succeeded in subverting the illusion of the normal family unit. ‘Hairy Days’ by Maresa Von Stockert from Germany, was by far the most striking performance. Portraying a wild nightmare vision
of a trip to the barbers gone horribly wrong, the dancers moved to the sedate controlled rhythms of Strauss’s ‘The Blue Danube’ and ended up surrounded by swathes of shorn hair. This was an innovative concept that left the audience a little dazed but completely intrigued by the spectacle. There was no opportunity for boredom. Indeed, the last two pieces, though not quite so destabilising, were a chance to display the dancers at their nubile best. ‘Au Suivant’ by Jan De Schynkel and ‘Babel’ by Robert Moses both relied on the evident rapport between the performers and tested their technique to the limit The result was an involving display of sexual chemistry and sympathy for the genre. The future of contemporary dance in Britain looks bright, especially if we can expect to see more of Transitions. Considerably more accessible than I expected, these sensitive and beautiful performances will stay with me for a long time. LaDonna Hall
gamesreviews g
11
Monkey’s gaming heaven SUPER MONKEY BALL (GC) Amusement Vision/ Sega
S
imian! The best-named game ever has arrived, one that we've been really quite excited about. The premise is the beautifully batty: a monkey is encased in a ball. You have to get him (or her) to the goal, collecting bananas while you do so. However, you don't control the monkey, but the tilt of the levels, which push the monkey in one direction. The resulting game is one of skill and control comparable to Kuru Kuru Kuruin meets platform game aesthetics. The levels are floating mazes, gradually getting harder, harder, and grittedteeth you-son-of-a-monkey harder. The difficulty level is great; the beginner levels ease you in and let you get to grips with the controls, the
Super Monkey Ball good – test of skill brilliantly realised advanced and expert modes up the ante like a monkey upping a tree to get a coconut. Getting past the levels in the time limit and collecting all the bananas is a challenge for only the most hardcore of gamesplayers. That isn't all the game though, the real
reason that Games has been so excited are the wonderful mini-games: Monkey Billiards, Monkey Bowling, Monkey Target, Monkey Race, Monkey Golf and Monkey Fight. Only three are available at the start, so you'll have to play the main game a fair few times to get enough points to open up billiards, bowling and golf. But when you do... Golf and Race are straightforward does what it says on the tin multiplayer gaming, passable versus fare. Monkey Fight gives the monkeys a boxing glove, which you'll use to punch your opponents off the arena. It doesn't reach the ecstasy of Mario Party's sublime Bumper Balls stage, but packs a neat gameplaying punch. Monkey Bowling wants you to stop the target over the pins and then apply power and spin to your monkey to hit the spot. And then, knock down the pins as well. Monkey Billiards is a nine-ball pool game, where you cannon your monkey balls is stupidly and control- into the pockets. It's much easier to pick up and play than Jimmy White's Cueball 2 and is great fun. And that leaves Monkey Target, most similar to the cannon levels in Pilotwings. Push your monkey down a ramp, and you'll fly into the air. You've got to land on the targets below you, but you'll be obstructed by either clouds, bombs or
spike bombs that can be avoided through the 'wheel of danger'. Super Monkey Ball is a stupidly good, incredibly entertaining and testing game skill. It's the most fun you can have on a new
Sonic boom SONIC ADVENTURE 2 BATTLE (GC) Sega/ Infogrames
A
nd like Memento, this review will start where it should end with what should be the conclusion: that Sonic in 3 dimensions doesn't work half as well as Sonic in just two. Where Mario made the transition to 3D to critical and commercial acclaim, it just hasn't been the same for the blue hedgehog. Sonic 3D, the Dreamcast launch game and Sonic Adventure were both lacking the coherence of the 2D world. While Mario revelled in his new found freedom, Sonic's speed boosts were restricted within such an environment. That said, Sonic A2B begins with a coup d-theatre – a dazzling street chase, between you and a giant 18 Wheeler. Out running it isn't a problem – the twists and turns aren't like anything at Le Mans, and soon you're up against an oh-sopredictable boss. Sonic A2B does try to create some differences, but then there's the plot: INT. Sonic's beach house. Day Sonic is lounging in a hammock, distractedly playing Nights on an outside telly. Suddenly, his peace is shattered by Miles 'Tails' Prowler: TAILS: You'll never guess what! SONIC: Dunno. TAILS: Guess! SONIC: Um, does Dr Robotnik want to take over the world by stealing the Chaos Emerald again? TAILS: Oh, you knew. SONIC: Oh-ho, I always know. Does he go by the name Dr Eggman these days? TAILS: Yeah. SONIC: I wonder why his name changed.
console, a concept brilliantly realised that can hit the gameplay heights. Beating this on expert is going to be quite a feat, but you'll never be able to have more legal fun with a monkey in your hand. Buy it. Chris Faires
Eye monster
TAILS: Do you actually spend a lot of time thinking about that? SONIC: Not really. TAILS: Are you gonna stop him? SONIC: You bet your dog-ass sniffing nose I am! But Dr. Robotnik Eggman isn't alone; he's joined by a military secret weapon called Shadow the Hedgehog. You see it's a simple binary opposition encouraging the dualism between 'goodies' Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and admirer Amy Rose. The 'baddies' are Eggman, Shadow, Rouge the bat and Metal Sonic. You thus get two versions of the same storyline and can control either the goodies or the baddies. The missions are essentially the same for the dualists, Shadow/ Sonic etc, but do vary from races to shooting sections to platform jumping. A2B also has a 'chao' section where you can nourish and grow little animals, Tamagotchi style. You can be the third person in the country to link the GBA up to the Gamecube and transfer Chao from there. With time and training, you'll be able to play other Chao in wrestling and general knowledge challenges. The multiplayer mode is disappointing, consisting of either a dull skateboarding section, a weak shooting game and a pointless 'grind' race. If you collect a sufficient number of games points, then you can open up a kart race function. I haven't yet, but I'm sure that it's miles better than all the other multiplayer modes put together. A2B isn't without imagination, it's a well-organised Sega game, and is good, if a touch repetitive and derisive. No matter how detailed the 3D world is, the thrill of being bumped around a screen is so much better in two dimensions. Maybe there's a feeling of safety there, when the entire 'world' is enclosed, there's no fear of falling out like there is in 3D. It's not as good as Mario 64 and a whole bundle of Rare games, but still comes recommended. Chris Faires.
TONKA MONSTER TRUCKS (PC) Infogrames
T
onka Trucks were the daddy of all the car based toys. Huge chunky and heavy they blew away the opposition at nursery school – Matchbox and Hot Wheels never came close when it came to sand pit construction or use as a weapon in milk queue fights. Believe me – no one messes with you if you’ve got a Tonka dumpster in your hand… But all good things must come to an end and as number of home entertainment systems in homes rose, the number of Tonka toys fell. In a highly imaginative piece of marketing then, here is the latest release in the Tonka franchise – Monster Trucks for the PC. The premise is simple, as you’d expect for a product squarely aimed at those under 12, design your own monster truck from a number of design options (with the exciting feature of more crazy designs if you get enough points) then take it out of the track to race or perform stunts. You can even race your mates – if you take it in turns, thereby ruining any possible multiplayer gameplay. The stunt courses have been based roughly on the Tony Hawk school of gameplay as you are able to perform ‘tricks’ over obstacles to gain more points. Unfortunately this system is very limited and the tricks are nothing special. The graphics are hardly spectacular as well with a poor physics engine and appaling control using the keyboard. The stunt courses bring back horrible memories of Test Drive on the ST and the racing is dire too, with little imagination being put into course design. Admittedly I‘m not a six year old, but having played my brother’s Lego games on the PC there’s far more fun, enjoyment and learning to be had in those than is on offer here. What’s more they didn’t have the intolerable Tonka Joe guiding you though the options screen (choice comment: "Wow I wish I had a truck like that!", after I’d designed a hideous machine). The final nail in the coffin is that the Monster trucking went out of fashion with the Berlin Wall and Spokey Dokey’s. It’s going to take a lot to get any decent sales out of this franchise in America, let alone Britain. To be blunt – why waste time on this when better Infogrames projects (like Unreal Tournament 2003) could have been completed sooner. You can’t even drive as Bigfoot. Highly disappointing. Andy Parsons
Television
12
20 May
Daytime
BBC 2
HTV
S4C
CHANNEL 5
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 50/50 4.35 Kenan and Kel 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours
7.00 Driven Crazy 7.25 Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 7.45 Really Wild Show 8.15 Brum 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Magic Key11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures 11.35 Watch 11.50 Megamaths 12.05 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 12.20 Maths Challenge 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Brum 1.10 FILM: Till the Clouds Roll By 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Chelsea Stories 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.25 Maisy 3.30 Preston Pig 3.45 Butt-Ugly Martians 4.15 Star Street 4.40 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Never Had It So Good 5.30 Crossroads “Goin’ down to the crossroads..”
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 10.45 Test Cricket: 1st Test: England v Sri Lanka 1.05 The Lunch Break 1.35 Test Cricket: 1st Test: England v Sri Lanka 5.00 Rownd a Rownd . 6.00 Newyddion 6 News. 6.05 Wedi 6 News 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Pobol y Cwm Is Denzil alright? Sheryl apologises to Karen. 7.30 Newyddion News. 8.00 Taro Naw Current affairs programme. 8.30 Y Tyddyn a'r Ardd Ffermiotn 9.00 Mae'r Byd yn Grwn: Y Tri-ongl
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 You Can't Take It with You 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 It's Your Funeral 2.00 Divine Designs 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Emma's Wish 5.30 5 News National
6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news. 7.00 X-Ray Consumer series. With ex-rugby monkey Rupert Moon. He’s about about as funny as genital warts. Not very then. 7.30 Holiday on a Shoestring 8.00 EastEnders Jamie has a surprise for Sonia when he presents her with a candle made from his own earwax. The greasy beggar. 8.30 EastEnders: Rickaay and Bianca special. Two shitters who should have been drowned at birth. 9.00 Spooks Apparently quite good, but I ain’t seen it and my word is gospel, ok? MY WORD IS GOSPEL! 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Life Matters: Four Better, Four Worse A documentary in which the exhausted parents of quadruplet baby boys from Fishguard reveal how having four youngsters at the same time is a life-changing experience. The biology of this all is mind boggling. 11.05 FILM: Sudden Death 2.20 Joins BBC News 24 A sure cure for insomnia.
6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 This Land: Cheviot Hills 8.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show The visual equivalent of a fly on the wall documentary on Dennis Norden. 9.00 am: Gets up, mistakenly talks to mirror for two hours, then downs a bottle of prozac. Rivetingzzzz... 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Coupling 10.00 The Day Today Awesome. Check out Morris’s spoof of a gansta rapper. “Cock, bitch, cock, bitch, motherfucker!” Sublime genius. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Tinsel Town 11.50 48 Preludes 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered? Why all the Cameroon team have the same haircut? Bladon does... 12.45 Personal Passions: Thelma Barlow 1.00 Ever Wondered? 1.30 What Is Religion? 2.00 Secondary Schools 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working in Travel
6.00 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up. 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Tyrone and Maria rekindle an old flame. But the firework proves to be faulty and blows Tyrone’s arse off. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Airline As news of the terrorist attacks of 11 September breaks, staff and passengers alike try to deal with its implications. Then suddenly the action morphs into Aeroplane with Leslie Nielsen . Ho-ho if you can’t laugh, eh? 9.00 Helen West 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 Helen West Conclusion 11.20 HTV News 11.30 UEFA Champions League Weekly It finished last week! Live in the now, man. 12.00 FI 1.50 Wish You Were Here...? 2.15 The People's Vets 2.40 Trisha 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
9.30 To the Ends of the Earth: The Real Bravo Two Zero 10.30 How Not to Get into the Big Brother House 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 The West Wing 1.00 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 1.30 FILM: Ring
6.00 Home and Away Will confronts Dani about Kane. “I think he killed Abel, y’know.” 6.30 Family Affairs Pete gives Paul an ultimatum. “Change your name, people can’t tell the difference between us in a crap soap like this!” 7.00 5 News National 7.15 Channel 5 Football: Under-21s European Championship: Italy v England Prediction: Smithy to get sent-off, and possibly assault an Asian man on leaving the ground. 9.35 5th Gear This week: Are big furry dice back in? 10.05 FILM: Death Wish 3 Directed by Micheal Winner. That alone is enough to give this film a wide birth. Wide birth? Micheal Winner? My brain is working in a very odd way today. 11.50 CSI: Crime Scene 12.45 The Pepsi Chart 12.50 Channel 5 Football: European Under-21s Championship Report 1.20 US PGA Golf Tour 2.10 FIM World Motocross Championships 3.05 Moto GP - Round 4 5.10 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing “Sportsdesk are all bordering on being psychopaths”- Pearlo (Sport)
CHOICE The Day Today BBC2,10.00 pm Really sorry to pick the same the show again but there’s a complete pile of shite on and it’ll save me from pissing about with the fonts. Anyhow, this week could be the one where Morris takes on the persona of
CH4. As S4C except: 9.30 Africa's Child. 9.45 Book Box. 10.00 Chez Mimi. 10.15 SciTech in N I. 10.30 Book Box. 9.30 10.45 4.30 Brookside 6.00 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 8.00 Junkyard Wars 9.00 To the Ends of the Earth: The Real Bravo Two Zero 10.00 How Not to Get into the Big Brother House 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.40 FILM: En Face 1.20 The Entity 2.20 Preserve 2.30 The Drugs Don't Work 3.20 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 3.50 Postmodern Pastimes 4.00 4Learning: En Espanol. 5.40 Planet.com.
a “gansta” rapper who seems to be almost entirely based on Ice T. The spoof rap he does is amazing, with lyrics like “Gun like a metal dick in my hand/magazine cartridge like a testicle gland”. Top stuff. Try and get hold of the spoofs Morris did for Radio 1. His Pixies parody is ace. Spooks BBC1,9.00pm
Look, I’m really sorry for being the world’s worst TV guy but I don’t really watch much TV. I spent my nights glued to the shipping forecast with a cup of hot choccy in one hand, copy of Razzle in the other. My life eh? No time in this busy schedule to stare at the gogglebox, rotting my brain like you plebs. Oh.. and watch this, my fatmate says it’s good.
Eastenders: Ricky and Bianca 8.30pm BBC1
Never Mind The Buzzcocks 9.00pm BBC2
Coronation Street 7.30pm ITV1
To the Ends of the Earth 9.00pm C4
Monday 20 May
Evening
BBC 1
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Television
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21 May
Tuesday HTV
S4C
CHANNEL 5
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee A programme dedicated to the money-scrouging law firms who make money out of stupid accident prone people. 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 Get Your Own Back 4.35 Big Kids 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours
6.00 Open University 6.30 Mondrian 7.00 Chuck Finn 7.25 Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 7.45 Blue Peter 8.15 Binka 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Landmarks 11.10 English Express 11.30 Music Makers 11.50 Zig Zag Shorts 12.00 Shakespeare 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Binka 1.10 Pingu 1.15 Wildlife on Two 1.45 Racing from Goodwood 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Racing 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News; Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.25 Maisy 3.30 Preston Pig 3.45 Sitting Ducks 4.15 It's a Mystery 4.35 Weirdsister College: The Further Adventures of the Worst Witch Syrupy-sweet teen drama. Nowhere near as good as the kid’s books, if you ask me. Which you did. So shut yer face. 5.05 Never Had It So Good 5.30 Crossroads
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Tweenies 1.00 Bibi 1.10 Tic Toc 1.15 So You Think You Want... Hair Well yes, I tend to find it useful. What a fecking stupid question. 1.45 Junkyard Wars 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Chwedlau'r Byd 4.15 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Brodyr Bach 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News. 8.00 Clwb Garddio
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 You Can't Take It with You No, really? 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 US PGA Golf 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford Permatantastic 3.40 FILM: The Lady from Yesterday 5.30 5 News
6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Wildlife on One David Attenborough looks at how ostriches have developed bizarre survival strategies. From flamboyant sex to kidnapping, there is more to the ostrich than being the one of the biggest and fastest birds in the world. FACT. 7.30 EastEnders Urgh, the doctor and Zoe go on a date. What evil lurks below Zoe’s greasy fringe I wonder? 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Cutting It This is marvellous. Drama-orama ahoy. The ever-present Amanda Holden stars as a bitch hairdresser from hell. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Match of the Day: South Korea v England 11.45 Boxing Yay, grown men hitting eachother for no apparent reason. Top quality entertainment. 1.20 Sign Zone: What the Victorians Did for Us 1.45 Sign Zone: Queen and Country 2.45 Sign Zone: See Hear on Saturday 3.30 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 Jesus Jones (bit o’ class) Dollar (bit o’ shite) Sandie Shaw (bit o’ barefoot magic) Whistle (bit o’ who?) and Joe Tex (bit o’ the Deep South). 6.45 Star Trek: Voyager 7.30 Rough Science Some very dull scientists do very dull things on an island. Isn’t TV great? 8.00 The RHS Chelsea 9.00 The Experiment: Rebellion 10.00 Harry Enfield and Chums 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Foot in the Door 11.50 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Behind a Mask 1.20 Ever Wondered? Why, yes. Sometimes I have. 1.30 The Founding of the Royal Society ...of what? 2.00 Secondary Schools: Special Needs 4.00 Languages: Get By in French Part 2 “Ooh la la!” says Cultural Stereotype Desk, working overtime. 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism: Building a Business
6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Real Dad's Army 8.00 Soap Star Lives 8.30 Barbara 9.00 Real Crime: Justice for Julie 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 The Unforgettable Joan Sims The story of the longest serving female member of the `Carry On' team. Ooh Matron and all that. 10.50 The Ferret 11.20 HTV News 11.30 Freshers Documentary series exposing the social life of first-year students at Cardiff University. Oh my days, we’re famous! The students go to a `Slag and Drag' party at which the scallies that hang around the bottom of my road are tied to the back of a car and pulled at high speed through the city. 12.00 England's World Cup Showdowns 12.30 Storm Force 1.00 FILM: Something Wild 2.55 World Sport 3.20 The Big Match Replayed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
8.30 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 The Edwardian Country House 10.00 Pen Tennyn 10.30 Sex on TV 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.10 Football Stories 1.10 Tourist Police 1.40 Wasted 2.40 Death of the Solar Temple 4.00 Schools CH4 As S4C except: 6.00 Animal Alphabet 9.30 4Learning 9.30 Africa's Child. 9.45 Tales from Wales. 10.00 Hennings Haus. 10.15 Pressure Points. 10.30 Place and People. 10.50 No Crew. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 First Edition. 11.40 All about Us. 12.25 In Your Face 12.40 ER 1.35 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Once Seen... Missed 8.00 Working with Dinosaurs 9.00 The Edwardian Country House 10.00 Sex on TV 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.40 Tourist Police 12.10 Teachers 1.10 Revenge of the Lost Tribe 2.05 Monster Files 3.00 Going Critical 3.25 Infection 3.35 Powerhouse 4.00 Top! 2: En Espanol. 5.40 Planet.com.
6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 5th Gear 7.30 5 News 8.00 Post Mortem 8.30 Arrest and Trial: Neighbour 9.00 FILM: The Terminator 11.05 Model Soldier Jordan, she of the pneumatic breastage, joins the army “for a larf, innit?”. Fun and hijinks ensue as she discovers her breasts can be used as a) a trampoline for two tiny squaddies, b) floatation devices c) to suffocate puppies. Expect distressing scenes of the thickest woman in the world excelling herself at braindeadness. Yes, braindeadness is a fecking word, alright? Cos I say so. 12.05 La Femme Nikita 12.50 Channel 5 Football: European Under-21s Championship Report 1.25 NFL Europe 1.50 NHL Ice Hockey Live 5.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay Ah, the usual space-at-theend-of-channel-five. How to fill, how to fill? Does anyone know who does the track on the new Lexus car advert? If I don’t find out, I might actually go insane quite soon. Answers to: grtvdesk@hotmail.com. Ta.
Cutting It BBC1 9.00pm
RHS Chelsea Flower Show BBC2 8.00pm
Real Crime ITV1 9.00pm
Sex on TV C4 10.00pm
CHOICE Freshers HTV, 11.30pm We’ve had Ibiza: Uncovered, we’ve had Ayia Napa: Uncovered and now (fanfare please) we’re getting an inside look at erm, ourselves in this new documentary featuring four Cardiff University students. I can’t decide if this is a
good thing or a bad thing – are the freshfaced young whippersnappers featured going to make the rest of us look like A1, tiptop, party animals with the wit of Oscar Wilde and the stamina of a young Mick Jagger, or just the bloated, slothlike eejits we really are? This week Hugo, Rachel, Emma and Neno experience wind-surfing, a `Slag and Drag' party, Halloween, and some shocking nudity
in a Cardiff club. Hmm... would this nudity take place in Zeus by any chance? Does anyone know the people taking part in this? Drop us a line at TV Desk and dish the dirt – was it all a set-up? Are the participants actually tank-top wearing, Star Trek-watching Physics students dressed up to look like ker-ayzeeee ravers? Do tell: grtvdesk@hotmail.com.
Tuesday 21st May
Evening
BBC 2
Today’s Highlights
Daytime
BBC 1
Television
14
22 May
Wednesday HTV
S4C
CHANNEL 5
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 UBOS 4.35 Even Stevens 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Ooh, did you hear last week, Libby said the word ‘sex’. Tee hee. Ho ho and other childish sniggering.
6.00 Open University 6.30 Open Advice 7.00 Ocean Odyssey 7.25 Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 7.45 Get Your Own Back 8.15 Bob the Builder 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 It's a Wrap 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Hit and Miss 11.35 Cats' Eyes 12.05 Pod's Mission 12.20 Maths Challenge 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bob the Builder 1.15 Wildlife on Two 1.45 Racing 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News 4.00 Racing 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha Debates rage in the GR as to whether Trisha is the Queen of the Daytime Chatshow. Well, blatantly yes, you fools! 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.25 Maisy 3.30 Preston Pig 3.45 Butt-Ugly Martians Steve Hurst stars. 4.15 Star Street 4.40 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Never Had It So Good 5.30 Crossroads
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Caio 12.35 Caffi Sali Mali 12.55 Mistar Morgan 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Tower 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 SuperTed 4.10 Y Consuriwr 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Prydain Wyllt: Eryri: Ochr Arall y Mynydd 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 ER Tragedy abounds in the most doomed emergency room in the world. 10.00 Brookside
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 You Can't Take It with You 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House 3.50 FILM: A Case of Honor 5.30 5 News
6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Tomorrow's World 7.30 So You Think You're a Good Driver? 8.00 Only Fools and Horses Classic sitcom. ‘Classic’ in the sense of ‘utter shit’. 9.25 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 9.30 Not Another Eurovision Not another programme with Angus Deayton doing his ‘wry’ thing once more. God help us all. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Bench 11.05 FILM: Timecop “Noone on Earth can stop him”, apparently. Oh yeah? He’s never seen me with PMT. Don’t mess, bitch. 12.45 Sign Zone: Holiday on a Shoestring 1.15 Sign Zone: Weird Nature 1.45 Sign Zone: The Toughest Job in Britain This week: the members of the GR discuss their working lives. 2.15 Sign Zone: Ice Dogs Playful, but slightly chilly. 2.45 Sign Zone: MacIntyre Investigates 3.45 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 The Simpsons The musical one. Exchellente! 6.20 TOTP2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation Picard tries to prove that even a machine has rights. 7.30 Your Money or Your Life Financial advice. Alvin Hall meets a shopaholic who spends a quarter of her salary on pay day and is reduced to living off dried pasta for the rest of the month. My god, I’m famous! 8.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 9.00 The Experiment: Tyranny 10.00 Dossa and Joe Why on earth is Madge trying to do an Irish accent? And is Caroline Aherne really as good as the hype? I think not. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Back to the Floor: 11.50 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Coming Home 1.00 What's Right for Children? 1.30 Bangkok - a City Speaks 2.00 Secondary Schools 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism: In Europe
6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The British Soap Awards 2002 Matthew Kelly hosts a celebration of some of the country's most popular TV shows. Expect the ugliest women on TV to show up in the smallest dresses known to man in the mistaken belief that they are attractive and talented members of the acting community. 9.45 Survivor Here’s a joke wot I heard: a groupie’s in Jim Morrison’s dressing room ‘servicing’ him and his band. Once she’s finished, she starts on Mick Jagger. Michael Caine walks in and says “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!” It was funny in my head. 10.45 ITV News at Ten 11.05 Survivor: The Last Word 11.35 HTV News 11.45 FILM: Heart of Fire 1.25 Trisha You see – she’s on twice a day. That proves it. Trish wins the title and Robert Kilroy-Silk can suck my ...erm, lollipop. 2.25 Coach 2.45 ITV at the Festivals 3.40 2002 FIFA World Cup 4.05 Nightscreen 5.30 Early Morning News
10.30 Danniella Westbrook: My Nose and Me 11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 Jackass 12.30 Football Stories: The Ultimate Rulebreakers 1.30 FILM: Ring 2 3.15 FILM: Royal Flash The Queen’s vag. Again. CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Animal Alphabet 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Rat-a-TatTat. 9.50 Number Crew 1. 10.00 Mix. 10.15 All about Us. 10.30 English Programme. 10.50 Number Crew 2. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 First Edition. 11.40 Music. 12.25 Supporting Acts 12.45 ER 1.30 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Smallville 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Once Seen... Missed 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Selling Houses 9.00 ER 10.00 Danniella Westbrook: My Nose and Me 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 Ally McBeal 12.30 Strippers 1.00 The Other Side: Do You Come Here Often? 1.35 Back from the Dead 2.30 Sacred Weeds: 3.20 World Rally - Argentina 4.45 GT on 4 5.10 Classic Trucks 5.40 Powerhouse
6.00 Home and Away Fisher struggles to cope after his attack by a rabid halibut leaves him cockless. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 5 News 7.15 Channel 5 Football: Under-21s European Championship: Portugal v England 9.35 FILM: Hollow Point With Tia Carrere. The lighthearted story of a pair of US government agents from the FBI and the Drug Enforcement Agency who try to put aside their competitive rivalries and work together to capture the head of a Russian Mafia family. It’s on 5, it might be shite, but it’s got Wayne’s World’s Tia Carrere in it and she might get naked. Wa-hey! God my life is tragic. 11.35 outTHERE Featuring clips from `The Erotic Witch Project'. Steve’s friend owns this on DVD. FACT. 12.05 Channel 5 Football: Under-21s European Championship Report 12.35 The Great Ethiopian Run 1.20 NHL Ice Hockey Live 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay What, you didn’t get bored the first time?
CHOICE Daniella Westbrook: My Nose and Me S4C, 10.30pm Actress Danniella Westbrook discusses how and why she started taking cocaine, succumbing to an addiction that cost her over a quarter of a million pounds. Clean for a year, she reveals how she is now rebuilding her life.
Right, so you want to be taken seriously as an actress again, so you do a documentary about how you’re a coke whore with no nose? Good move, Dani, like it. You were only on Eastenders, anyway. It’s not exactly a momenumental height to fall from, is it? Like my dear old Mum used to say, “You’ve only got yourself to blame, you drug-snorting little shite.”
Strippers CH4, 12.30pm
Not Another Eurovision BBC1 9.30pm
The Experiment BBC2 9.00pm
Emmerdale ITV1 7.00pm
Daniella Westbrook C4 10.00pm We know you lot only watch Channel 4 in the hopes of finding a pseudo-classy documentary about raging nympho sluts. Well, hey! Channel 4 have come up trumps with this programme about women working in the sex industry. Actually, if truth be told, this is kind of depressing – the women work in sordid clubs dancing for the kind of fat sweaty gits you’d run to avoid if you saw them on St Mary’s street on Saturday night. Still, it’ll do the job if you’re at home alone with only a toilet roll and some vaseline to keep you company. Niiiiice.
Wednesday 22nd May
Evening
BBC 2
Today’s Highlights
Daytime
BBC 1
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Television
15
23 May
Daytime
BBC 2
HTV
S4C
CHANNEL 5
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2.55 International Golf and Racing 3.25 Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 There's a Viking in My Bed You wish, darling. 4.35 Jackie Chan Adventures 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours
6.00 Open University: Hard Rock Cafe 6.30 Population Transition in Italy 7.00 CBBC: Chuck Finn 7.25 Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 7.45 Blue Peter 8.15 CBeebies: Andy Pandy 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Hotch Potch House 11.10 Look and Read 11.30 Landmarks 12.10 Focus 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Andy Pandy 1.10 Pingu 1.15 Wildlife on Two 1.45 International Golf and Racing 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.30 International Golf
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Heartbeat 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.25 Maisy 3.30 Preston Pig 3.45 Sitting Ducks 4.15 It's a Mystery Who are Games Desk? And just how strong are their wrists? 4.35 Weirdsister College: The Further Adventures of the Worst Witch 5.05 Never Had It So Good 5.30 Crossroads
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Sam Tan 12.45 Sgerbyde 12.50 Miffi 1.00 Y Blobs 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Great Civilisations 2.15 Tales from the Grave 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Cadw'r Heddwch 4.20 Popty 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Mae'r Byd yn Grwn: Y Tri-ongl 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Profiad 8.30 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 Selling Houses
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 You Can't Take It with You 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Gunsmoke: One Man's Justice 5.30 5 News
6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Animal Hospital Rolf Harris gets lonely and turns to two freshly greased newts for his thrills. 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Changing Rooms Hidden camera show in which Laurence LlewellynBowen attempts to prove his hetrosexuality by infiltrating the girl’s changing rooms at Maindy Pool. 8.30 This Is Your Life I know. Sad, innit? 9.00 Queen and Country: My Government and I 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time Why do women bleed for a week and still not die? 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 FILM: The Defenders: Choice of Evils Anne Widdicombe or David Dickinson from Bargain Hunt? You decide: grtvdesk@hotmail.com SEND US SOME PORN! 1.45 Sign Zone: Missing Milly 2.15 Sign Zone: Tomorrow's World “is probably just as dull and grey as today’s” says TV Desk, somewhat pessimistically. 2.45 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Reading the Ruins 8.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower 9.00 Horizon: The England Patient How Sven-Goran Eriksson and sports psychologist Willi Railo have transformed the England football team. Couldn’t stop them all getting fucking injured though, could he? Twunt. 9.50 Crime Kids: Rape on the Grand Union Canal 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Rugby Special 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Cell City: City Works 1.00 The Next Big Thing: Machines with Minds 1.35 Lab Detectives 1.50 What Have the 70s Ever Done for Us? Three words: The Bee Gees. 2.00 Uncertain Principles 2.30 First Steps to Autonomy 3.00 Accumulating Years and Wisdom 3.30 Curriculum Development: Numeracy In Action 4.00 Languages: Get By in Spanish Part 2 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism: The Future
6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales This Week 8.00 The Bill Guilty Taviner is desperate for his double bluff to work. Did you say muff? No? Oh well. 9.00 Bad Girls Shaz's vacant bed is quickly filled by a mysterious and glamorous blonde. Sven Goran-Eriksson guest stars. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 11.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 11.30 Night and Day Quite why heat magazine have chosen to champion this is a mystery on a par with crop circles and why I’m drinking WKD right now because it tastes like dishwater. That Steve’s pissed in. 12.35 Dharma and Greg 1.00 Riders and Rich Kids 1.25 CD:UK 2.20 Cybernet 2.45 Motorsport UK 3.10 2002 FIFA World Cup 3.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
9.30 Treats from the Edwardian Country House 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Procar Poeth 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 Daisy Daisy 12.05 Strippers 12.35 The Book Group James Lance...mmm... 1.05 The Gold-digger 2.05 FILM: Man in the Saddle 3.40 Third Watch CH4. As S4C except: 9.30 4Learning: Scientific Eye. 9.50 Number Crew 2. 10.00 English Programme. 10.25 Darren Gough's Cricket Academy. 10.50 Being Different. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Handmade 3. 11.40 Science Focus. 12.25 In Your Face: P D James by Michael Taylor 12.40 ER 1.30 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 6.00 Friends 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Once Seen... Missed 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Treats from the Edwardian Country House 9.00 Old 10.00 Friends 10.30 Daisy Daisy 11.35 South Park 12.00 The Book Group 12.35 FILM: Don Juan DeMarco 2.20 ICC Cricket 2.50 Trans World Sport 3.45 Cisco City Challenge 4.10 Classic Trucks 4.40 Powerhouse 5.05 Count Down
6.00 Home and Away Fisher reaches breaking point after failing to retrieve his cock from the said halibut. 6.30 Family Affairs Jessica warns Geri about getting too close to Jude and his radioactive penis. 7.00 The Pepsi Chart Special guests are Atomic Kitten with their new single `It's OK!' Ironically, it’s not. 7.30 5 News 8.00 Life Doctor: Amanda 8.30 Stark Naked In this edition, Steve and Jane follow the eco-tourist trail to the heart of the Amazon basin, spending two days and one night deep in the jungle. Why do they need to do this naked? It just means they’ll get bitten somewhere painful. Eejits. 9.00 FILM: Bad Company 10.45 Sex and Shopping In this programme, gay hardcore pornography with a message. The real listing, honestly! 11.45 Channel 5 Football: Under-21s European Championship 12.15 Argentinian Football 1.50 Major League Soccer: Chicago Fire v LA Galaxy 3.30 Channel 5 Football: Germany v Austria 5.10 FIFA Youth Cup 5.35 Motorsport
CHOICE Horizon: The England Patient BBC2, 9.00pm Probably the most ironic title ever seeing as all the fricking team are injured. The psychological advantage we may have, but the fact they’re all on crutches won’t help.
Has Eriksson really transformed the team? I think in 11 days we’ll find out. Oh, and Willi Railo, is that a made up name? Sounds like the type of name Sportsdesk would use to infiltrate backstage at Fantasy Lounge in order to tamper with the dancers. Buffy the Vampire Slayer BBC2, 6.45pm
Queen and Country BBC1 9.00pm
Crime Kids BBC2 9.50pm
The Bill ITV1 8.00pm
Treats from the Edwardian Country House C4 8.30pm
Thursday 23rd May
Evening
BBC 1
Today’s Highlights
Thursday
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Buffy is fried gold, a TV landmark of gargantuan genius. This week, it’s Halloween in Sunnydale and evil Ethan Rayne casts a spell to trap the Scooby Gang in their Halloween costumes. Cue loads of knickerdampening shots of Xander Harris, when he was thin and pretty, dressed as a hard-asnails soldier. God, I love this show.
Television
16
24 May
Daytime Evening
BBC 2
HTV
S4C
CHANNEL 5
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 No Win No Fee 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2.55 Perfect Partner 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.20 S Club Juniors: The Story 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 5.00 Really Wild Show 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours
6.00 O U: Rapid Climate Change 6.30 Tropical Forest: The Conundrum of Coexistence 7.00 Ocean Odyssey 7.25 Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 7.45 Short Change 8.15 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 8.25 The Story Makers 8.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Punch the Clock 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures 11.35 Watch 11.50 Zig Zag 12.10 Landmarks 12.30 Conference Live 2.30 International Golf
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Your Century 2.10 Village People 2.40 Get Gardening 3.10 ITV News 3.15 HTV News 3.20 Tiny Planets 3.25 Maisy 3.30 Preston Pig 3.45 Butt-Ugly Martians 4.15 Star Street 4.40 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Never Had It So Good 5.30 Catchphrase
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Pot Mel 1.00 Planed Plant: Clwc 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Real Crawfie 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Uned 5 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 News. 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Copish 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News. 8.00 Tic Toc
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.20 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 You Can't Take It with You 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Class of 61 5.30 5 News
6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 The Toughest Job in Britain 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Alistair McGowan's Big Impression 9.00 Have I Got News for You 9.30 Blackadder II 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Guests include Julian Clary and Martine McCutcheon. 11.20 FILM: Above Suspicion With Christopher Reeve and Joe Mantegna. A dedicated detective paralysed by a bullet concocts an elaborate ruse designed to let his wife cash in on his life insurance. Reeve continues to corner the market in paralysed film characters. See, with every cloud there’s a silver lining. 12.50 Re:covered 1.25 FILM: The Blood Beast Terror With Peter Cushing. A 19th-century entomologist's daughter undergoes a metamorphosis into a giant death's-head moth which needs human blood to survive. 2.45 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars: The Fifth Wars Is Phillipa Forrester still trying to pretend she isn’t a heefur by wearing a really tight bin bag? 7.30 The Curious Gardeners 8.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 9.00 Timewatch: Death of the Battleship 9.50 Jeremy Clarkson Meets the Neighbours: France In France, he enrols at a Parisian school of seduction, attends an illegal dinner of banned foods, and takes part in the world's biggest yacht race. Yeah but it’s not as good as this job. 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Vine. 11.00 Newsnight Review With John Carey, Miranda Sawyer and Rosie Boycott. 11.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Buffy and her friends visit an unusual costume shop where customers turn into the character of the costume they are wearing. If I was Mr Ben, I’d sue. 12.15 Robot Wars: The Fifth Wars 1.00 FILM: Sticks and Stones 3.00 BBC Learning Zone
6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Confessions of... a Builder Builders talk about their reputations, craftsmanship and handling difficult clients. And some of them even have misdeeds to confess. Say it ain’t so! 8.30 Inspector Morse 10.30 Tarrant on TV 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Sharp End Debate Series of debate programmes from the Welsh Party conferences. 12.30 Dial-a-Date 1.00 Dare to Believe Apparently, a bit like Blue Jam but don’t take my word for it, for God’s sake. 1.35 Veronica's Closet I always seem to watch this but it’s as bad as Fresh Prince and Two Pints.... put together. I’m not proud, just gutted. 2.00 Box Office America 2.25 The Waterboys in Profile 2.55 Mixmasters 3.20 World Football 3.45 Trisha 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
8.30 Pawb a'i Farn 9.30 Big Brother The first live broadcast of this year's `Big Brother' event. 10.30 Brookside 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 Big Brother Live 1.10 South Park 1.40 4Car at Le Mans 2.10 ICC Cricket World 2.40 FILM: Nostradamus S4C listings end here bizarrely. Go play hunt the thimble. CH4. As S4C except: 9.30 Royal Institute Christmas Lectures. 10.20 La Tienda des Luis. 10.35 Extra: En Espanol. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Book Box. 11.40 Book Box. 11.55 My Brilliant Career. 12.30 In Your Face: Ross Kemp by Jonathan Yeo A portrait of an actor. 12.40 ER 1.30 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Friends 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 4Car at Le Mans 8.00 So You Think You Want... A Dog 8.30 Brookside 9.00 Big Brother 10.00 Frasier 10.30 Frasier 1.10 Daisy Daisy 1.45 Onedottv 2.10 FILM: Room at the Top 4.10 Third Watch 4.55 Powerhouse 5.20 Countdown
6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Tim Marlow on Tate Modern 7.30 5 News 8.00 Gladiators of World War II: The Royal Navy 9.00 FILM: Payback Not the Mullet Mel film but some bottom shelf tat with Mary Tyler Moore 10.50 FILM: Gentleman's Bet Meanwhile, on the top shelf: Adult-themed tale centring on the ramifications of a businessman's decision to offer his wife as collateral in a high stakes poker game. I won your mum in a game of Snap once. 12.45 FILM: Stand and Deliver The true story of teacher Jaime Escalante and the idiosyncratic methods he used to inspire a class of tough teenagers, steering them away from the gang violence and drug abuse endemic in their neighbourhood. First they tease us with a Fnarrworthy title and the they give us another inspirational tale of an inner-city teacher. I’d be gutted if I was me. 2.30 FILM: God Bless the Child 4.05 Monsters 4.25 Two 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters
Have I Got News For You BBC1 9.00pm
Jeremy Clarkson BBC2 9.50pm
Emmerdale ITV1 7.00pm
Big Brother C4 9.00pm
CHOICE Big Brother S4C, 9.30 pm As if daytime TV wasn’t filled with enough retards already, another bunch of implausably vain chancers compete for the chance to spend the next couple of years with MDF. I frankly couldn’t give a shit
about this but a lot of people disagree. But why, when it’s so boring? And so the special bus rolls in for another year. New rules this time apparently. Presumably, they’ll be forced to spend two months naked in a sauna and all have to sleep in the same bed naked, while also having hourly games of naked twister. Naked. Just so that somebody finally has some slap and tickle.
Who applies for these things? Don’t they realise that their appearances will be edited horribly to try and salvage some resemblance of a 2-D personality? Shouldn’t they just bomb the house and be done with it? Chickens and all. Any thoughts on BB, DC Gates? “In many ways, a shining example of the alienation that results from the combination of a corporate public sphere” With tits out.
Friday 24th May
BBC 1
Today’s Highlights
Friday
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Television
17
25 May
Saturday HTV
S4C
CHANNEL 5
7.00 Spot's Musical Adventures 7.10 The Shiny Show 7.30 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.45 The Genie from Down Under 8.10 Yvon of the Yukon 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.10 Racing from Haydock Park 1.30 Sport Relief Rowing 1.40 Racing from Haydock Park 2.30 Rugby Union: Leicester v Munster 4.45 Final Score 5.15 BBC News 5.30 Wales Today 5.35 Friends like These
7.00 Weekend 24 8.15 See Hear on Saturday 9.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 12.00 Robot Wars: The Fifth Wars 12.45 Star Trek Stars TJ Hooker and the director of Three Men and a Baby. By the way, if you happen to be the new crew member in this, it’ll all end in tears. Like appearing in the first five minutes of Casualty. Or wearing a moustache in Scooby Doo. Or being in a film as the token black guy. Or being the radio operator in a war film. Is the space full yet? 1.35 International Golf
6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.00 CD:UK 11.30 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Qualifying Live 1.15 ITV News; Weather 1.20 HTV News and Weather 1.25 Sailing: Volvo Ocean Race 2.25 Rugby World Sevens 2002 3.25 The Magnificent Seven 4.20 Carry On Laughing 4.50 A-Z of Star Wars 5.20 HTV News and Weather 5.30 ITV News; Sports Results 5.50 Lily Savage's Blankety Blank H from Steps scenes.
6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 Blue's Clues 7.05 F3 on 4 7.30 2002 Pirelli British Rally Championship 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Cynhadledd y Ceidwadwyr 12.00 Cricket Roadshow 1.00 Stargate SG-1 1.55 King of the Hill 2.25 Channel 4 Racing from Newmarket, Windsor and Curragh 4.45 FILM: Animal Farm Doesn’t say which version it is. Could be either of two straight versions or could be the porn version. Actually, scratch that last one.
6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 8.00 Klootz 8.05 Fat Dog Mendoza 8.30 Mega Babies 8.55 The Powerpuff Girls 9.20 Xcalibur 9.50 Max Steel 10.20 Animal Xtremes 10.35 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 11.30 Zoe 12.00 5 News Saturday 12.30 The Pepsi Chart 1.00 Popular 1.55 The Tribe 2.55 Home and Away Omnibus 5.00 FILM: Three Men and a Baby Awesome! I’ve just found out that this was directed by Leonard Nimoy!
6.30 The Waiting Game 7.10 The National Lottery: In It to Win It 8.00 The Eurovision Song Contest 2002 11.00 BBC News; Weather 11.15 There's Only One Kylie Apparently, Kylie and her boyfriend only split up the other week due to his visit to the Clap clinic. Some guys just take the piss. 12.15 FILM: Fame Exuberant musical drama about life at New York's High School for the Performing Arts, where a chosen few battle to get to the top of their desired professions. The film's score, which includes the hit title song, won an Oscar. Directed by Alan Parker. 2.30 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 3.15 Top of the Pops 3.45 Joins BBC News 24 ... in the stuggle for international socialism. Jim Davidson is torn down and burned, Rupert Murdoch dipped in aspic and fed to slugs. Booksdesk chatting on the mic here: to the person who wrote in complaining about the lack of left-wing retorts to Tory scum; they’re not even worth dignifying with a reply. This also includes New Labour.
6.00 BBC Young Musician of the Year Features S Club Juniors and Jimmy Osmond. 8.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show Review 9.00 Dickens: Terror to the End 10.00 Have I Got News for You Gates: Smoking is good for you! 10.30 FILM: Citizen X With Stephen Rea and Donald Sutherland. Thriller about the eight-year search for a serial killer in Russia. The detective in charge of the investigation is hindered by a lack of investigative technology and a Soviet bureaucracy that believes serial killers to be a solely Western phenomenon Based on a true story. Likely, shite. 12.10 FILM: Shaft Seminal `blaxploitation' movie bringing Ernest Tidyman's cool, streetwise private eye John Shaft to life. Hired to locate the kidnapped daughter of a Harlem gangster, Shaft must infiltrate the mob and cope with racial prejudice. Isaac Hayes's title song won an Oscar. Wicked! Watch this! It’s not that good actually but well worth watching. 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision
6.25 New You've Been Framed! Elioi, Elioi, lama sabanchti! 7.15 Blind Date Cilla love, why don’t you just set up a brothel and be done with it? 8.15 The Vault 9.00 An Audience with Brian Conley I am not making this up.It’s like something from the Book of Job. 10.00 2DTV 10.10 ITV Weekend News 10.25 FILM: Crimson Tide With Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman. Proof according to DC that even post Glasnost and Perestroika, Russkie bashing’s still hip. 12.30 Survivor 1.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 2.00 Dial-a-Date 2.30 Popped in, Crashed Out 2.55 Box Office America 3.20 ITV at the Festivals 2001 Highlights from last year’s Llantwit Fardre festival. Possibly. 4.15 Cybernet 4.45 World Sport 5.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News GARMON CEIRO BACK IN THE COUNTRY! Le Pen to launch new antiWelsh policy.
6.25 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 6.40 Joni Jones 7.15 Tipyn O Stad Omnibws 8.15 Noson Lawen I'w Chofio 9.25 Secrets of the Palace 10.10 Top Ten Can’t tell you more than that sorry. 11.00 Big Brother Live Please let me go home and write my essays so I don’t end up like these goons. 12.35 Speedway Grand Prix 1.35 FILM: Last Holiday With Alec Guinness and Beatrice Campbell Cleverly scripted by J B Priestley. 3.10 Phantom Tiger
6.55 Charmed 7.45 5 News and Sport 8.00 Earth's Fury Series documenting natural disasters and their devastating effects. 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Law and Order 10.55 Murder Detectives: Insect Clues When a woman's decomposing corpse is found, it seems the insects were the only witnesses to her horrific death. Eh? 11.25 The Jerry Atrick Show 11.55 FILM: Fandango With Kevin Costner. 1.35 FILM: BAPS 3.05 FILM: The Doberman Gang Crime drama about a team of bungling burglars who try to eliminate human error from their crimes by training a group of fearsome dogs to help stage a bank heist. Created with the assistance of an ex-Air Force dog trainer, their plans seem foolproof - but are they dogproof? Sometimes the Internet listings just do my job for me. What more is there to say? 4.30 Monsters 4.50 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 5.35 Sons and Daughters
CH4. As S4C except: 6.05 The Magic Roundabout 10.00 Cricket Roadshow 11.00 Speedway Grand Prix 12.00 Vee-TV 12.30 Little House on the Prairie 1.25 Gifted 4.50 Brookside 6.10 Channel 4 News 6.30 Secrets of the Palace 8.10 FILM: The Guns of Navarone 11.00 Big Brother Live 12.35 Best Friends: Rachael and Belinda 1.10 FILM: Birdman of Alcatraz 3.40 Dark Skies 4.30 Code Name: Eternity 5.20Countdown BRING BACK EDWIN MEAD!
The National Lottery BBC1 7.20pm
Dickens BBC2 9.00pm
The Vault ITV1 6.30pm
CSI C5 9.00pm
CHOICE The Eurovision Song Contest BBC 1, 8.00 pm Ho hum, another week, another ultra camp choice for the day. Good job I’m so secure in my sexuality. Unlike most of the ‘artists’ on this. Dana International’s got a lot to answer
for. Very transvestite heavy this year. Curses, it’s gone all self-aware and ironic. We’ll never see such innocent laughs again. So actually, it’s probably not worth watching. I think it’s in Estonia. Can’t tell you any more except that this year’s British entry is by someone with the surname Garlic, following the surefire route to fame well trod by Francis Rouffeau, Joe Longthorne, Sonia and other
Saturday 25th May
Evening
BBC 2
Today’s Highlights
Daytime
BBC 1
even less famous characters. They might as well apply for Big Brother. Hard to imagine it launched the careers of Abba and somewhat less mightily Bucks Fizz and Brotherhood Of Man. Oh my days! Noel’s just walked in with the ‘official’ album of this year’s contest. I could listen to it and give you a proper preview but I shan’t.
Television
18
26 May
Sunday HTV
S4C
CHANNEL 5
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 The Cruise 11.30 Wildlife on One 12.00 On the Record 1.00 Keeping Up Appearances 1.30 EastEnders Miserable Londoners and their miserable lives. 3.15 International Golf 4.25 Match of the Day: England v Cameroon 5.35 Lifeline 5.45 Points of View Did Eamonn and Anthea ever shag? We want pictures and a DVD with extensive commentary.
7.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 7.45 CBBC: The Genie from Down Under 8.10 50/50 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 Yvon of the Yukon 9.25 Super Duper Sumos 9.45 S Club Juniors: The Story 10.00 S Club 7: Don't Stop Movin' 10.25 Even Stevens 10.50 Kenan and Kel 11.15 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.40 Superbikes Special 1.00 homeground 1.30 Sunday Grandstand Wales 4.25 International Golf
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Stuff 9.55 Garfield and Friends 10.20 Clueless 10.50 My Favourite Hymns 11.50 ITV News; Weather 12.00 HTV News and Weather 12.05 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Live 3.10 Rugby World Sevens 2002 3.45 Nash Bridges 7 4.35 Waterfront 5.05 Grass Roots 5.35 HTV News round-up. 5.45 Presenters The show that should come with a government health warning: do not drop acid while watching. Perilous.
6.20 The Hoobs 6.45 The Hoobs 7.10 The Players 7.35 VeeTV 8.05 Janet Jackson Live in Concert 9.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 11.30 4trac 12.00 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 1.00 Andromeda 1.45 Andromeda 2.30 Yr Wythnos 3.00 Brookside 4.25 Maniffesto 5.25 Newyddion News. 5.35 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Sgandal Congo 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Portreadau: Rhiannon Evans 9.00 Pen Tennyn
6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 It's Your Funeral 7.00 Beachcomber Bay 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.05 Adventures from the Book of Virtues 8.35 Babar 9.05 Wishbone 9.35 Redwall 10.05 Pet Project 10.35 The New Adventures of Robin Hood 11.30 Date That 12.00 You Know What I'm Saying 12.30 5 News Update 12.40 Daria 1.05 Agrippine 1.35 Night Fever 2.35 FILM: The Green Berets 5.05 5 News and Sport 5.30 FILM: Kidz in the Wood .
6.00 BBC News; Weather 6.20 Regional News and Weather 6.25 Songs of Praise Apparently, all the South Korea football team look like small girls, says Bladon looking at his World Cup sticker book like a public schoolboy woofter. 7.00 Royal Treasures A close-up look at Her Maj’s vag. Charles offers his own novel insight. 8.00 Born and Bred 9.00 Auf Wiedersehen, Pet This week, the breezeblockfaced Jimmy Nail and his band of arse-crack bearing reprobates read the Sun and break wind in public. 10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 Panorama: Tony in Adland Tony Bennett, in a mysterious land where everything is subordinated to consumer power, lustily sings a collection of his greatest hits. 10.55 Greater Than the Greatest Amy: Yes, I know I am. Steve: But your hairy legs make you unshaggable. 11.45 FILM: The Steal 1.15 The Sky at Night ... is quite dark. No shit, Sherlock. 1.40 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 BBC Young Musician of the Year Final 9.00 Hooligans: Foreign Fields Could have Pearlo on it. 10.00 24 10.45 The X Files You know things are bad when they replace the lead character with a man called Doggit. Both a man and a verb. 11.30 Never Mind the Buzzcocks A Eurovision Song Contest special. Guests are Terry Wogan, Johnny Logan, Cheryl Baker, and Sonia. So, the musical authorities here are a failed ginger Liverpudlian (Atomic Kitten, take heed), a rug-scalped Radio 2 has-been, an exRecord Breakers presenter (can shame get any greater?) and some no-name shite. Quality. 12.00 FILM: Day of the Evil Gun “Sounds like shit”, says TV Desk pretending to be Film Desk. 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision 4.00 Languages: Get By in Italian “My place or yours, bella?” says Lazy Cultural Stereotypes Desk.
6.45 ITV News; Weather 7.00 Wish You Were Here...? Not with you, Hunniford, you tango-faced bee-yatch, says an irrationally angry TV Desk. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Where the Heart Is 9.00 It'll Be Alright on the Night 12 Just a suggestion, Mr Norden: DIE ALREADY you clip-recycling twunt. 10.00 The Classical Brits 11.15 ITV Weekend News 11.25 Ultimate Questions 11.55 F1: Monaco Grand Prix More under-handed dealings from the Shoemaker and his team, undoubtedly. 1.00 FILM: Hexed Madcap comedy about a hotel clerk who meets a beautiful, world-famous model who leads him on a series of uproarious adventures. As they get to know each other, it transpires that the model once started a fire that killed over 30 people, and that the clerk is a pathological liar. So just another normal night on the town with a normal laydee then. Nice. 2.40 My Favourite Hymns 3.35 Motorsport UK 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
9.30 Newyddion News. 9.45 Frasier 10.15 Big Brother 11.15 FILM: The Hitcher 1.05 The Colombian Connection 2.05 FILM: The People vs Larry Flynt CH4. As S4C except: 6.05 Grabbit the Rabbit 6.15 Ivor the Engine 7.10 Blue's Clues 7.35 Angela Anaconda 8.30 T4: Malibu 9.00 T4: Taina 9.30 T4: Popworld 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks 12.25 T4: As If 1.00 T4: Big Brother 2.00 T4: The Players 3.00 Stargate SG-1 4.45 Andromeda 5.40 Stargate 6.30 Smallville 7.30 Channel 4 News 8.05 The Colombian Connection 9.00 The West Wing 10.00 Big Brother 11.05 Banzai 11.35 Sex Tips for Girls 12.05 V Graham Norton 1.05 Big Brother 2.05 The Other Side 2.35 Anatomy of Disgust 3.25 Phantoms in the Brain 4.20 Liberty! 5.10 Countdown 5.55 The Magic Roundabout.
7.10 Martial Law In a showdown with Ryu from Streetfighter 2 for the title of best character...oh my god I’m so sad. 8.00 Ultimate Hovercraft 9.00 FILM: Disturbing Behaviour Tongue-in-cheek horror about a new family in an apparently idyllic town whose son discovers a sinister underbelly to the tranquility. Sounds like my home town. Expect imges of slaw-jawed yokels brandishing pitchforks threateningly. 10.35 Hard B-----ds: Kate Kray presents a documentary series about men and women with criminal pasts. This week, a woman who dated Pearlo. 11.10 Law and Order 12.10 Channel 5 Football: European Under-21s Championship Report 12.40 Major League Baseball Live: Boston Red Sox v New York Yankees 4.00 Major League Baseball Replay Glad to see “Wee Man” from Jackass had such a successful international debut for Wales against Germany. Well done also to Rene from Allo, Allo for lifting the European Cup as manager of Real Madrid. Wickeeeeeeed!
Auf Wierdershen, Pet BBC1 9.00pm
The X-Files BBC2 10.45pm
Coronation Street ITV1 7.30pm
The West Wing C4 9.00pm
CHOICE England vs. Cameroon BBC 1, 4.25pm Ooh it’s getting all exciting now, my knees are trembling, my undercarriage is moist, yes, the World Cup is upon us like some lusty Fresher at Lash. Now it’s the warm-up games, and the lads take on the mighty (look at them they’re
huuuge!) Cameroon. Predictions from the GR team: Sports Desks Mr T? Rigobert Song to be sent off for comedy value. Bladon? (Checks sticker album) They need some original haircuts, and is that Idi Amin? Umm.. thanks mate, no more crack for you. FILM: The People vs. Larry Flynt S4C, 2.05am
Woody Harrelson plays Larry Flynt, the man who brought porno-mag Hustler into the world (good work, fella) and was sued for peddling filth. The film’s okay (Edward Norton is, as usual, a god) but the best reason to watch this is Courtney Love, the original Groupie Supreme giving the performance of her rawk-filled life as Flynt’s cancer-ridden wife Athena.
Sunday 26th May
Evening
BBC 2
Today’s Highlights
Daytime
BBC 1
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20.05.02
Focus
The Gair Rhydd Features Section Free Word 722
What World Cup? The World Cup is just around the corner, as we are constantly reminded. For those of us who are not waiting with baited breath Charlotte Spratt takes an alternative look at the sporting event of the year
FABIO CANNAVARO: better off the pitch than on?
I
f you are anything like me, the thought of the everapproaching World Cup may not be filling you joy and excitement. You may have the fever already, with beers ready chilling in the fridge and the alarm clock set at 7:25am ready for those early morning matches. But I have, I’m afraid, less of a fever and more of an annoying sniffle. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate football, I don’t hate footballers and I don’t hate the World Cup. I even know what the offside trap is. I will be quite happy to sit in a pub with a nice cold beer and see England get trounced, sorry I mean, trounce the opposition. But what I can’t stand is all the bloody coverage all the bloody time. It hasn’t
even started and already all but the most diehard are sick to death of it all. While there may be no escaping the coverage or the endless, mind-numbing reenactments in the pub of Thierry Henry’s fourth goal and Danny Mills second yellow card, there are plenty of ways to avoid the actual matches. Whilst News and Sports Desk are currently crying into their keyboards at the very idea of missing a single second of a single match, TV desk helpfully suggest that playing for Wales is an ideal way to miss the World Cup. Luckily, the World Cup only happens once every four years, though we are still subjected to the European championship
tournament in-between. In typically patriotic fashion, the British endearing forget in the interim exactly how crap our national teams actually are. Each championship match seems to be viewed with a startling optimism in the brilliance of our players given the collective crapness of the English, Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish sides. This year, England have been drawn in the hysterically named ‘Group of Death’ along with Argentina (very good team, favourites to win tournament, let alone our group), Nigeria (“Not bad, but we’ll beat them” reckon Sports Desk) and Sweden (‘Draw without a doubt” claim Sports. Apparently due to all their outdoor pursuits. Like chopping wood). So if you are at all interested in catching an English match, better get involved early on... It is, of course, extremely easy to rile diehard footie fans. As they sit there claiming “we played well” (exactly what their contribution is to the performance is anyone’s guess). Mention that it is ‘only a game’, suggest that their team may do anything but win a resounding victory or question the silky Brazilian skills of their hero, and you may just get a slight rise out of them. After all, for many girls, football provides a perfect example to get a look at some highly toned bums and thighs. However the fact that most of them are as facially attractive as Dean Gaffney throws a slight spanner in the works. And many of us are actually going to get to see a bit of the World Cup whether we intend to or not. Whether it’s on in the pub while we’re trying to have a quiet drink, or when forced to watch it by boyfriends or footie loving mates, maybe you won’t be able to take comfort from the fact that there are 64 games left to be played, but try and look on the positive side. It will all be over in just five weeks and that means there are merely 64 games left to be played.
Ways to avoid the matches • Sleep – many matches are on at stupid o’ clock anyway • Get some extra curricular learning by visiting a museum, the castle, an art gallery... • Actually do some sport – rounders in Roath Park, tennis at Talybont, Frisbee in Bute Park • Book a holiday to a remote island in June where the only football they play is with coconuts • Get the Star Wars, Godfather and Friends DVDs and play them over and over again. All month • Go to Portmerion. It’s the back of beyond • Avoid all contact with anyone who owns a football strip. Especially an entire strip. Or a World Cup sticker book. Or who supports Arsenal • Revise
Who said footballers are thick? Ronaldo “We lost because we didn’t win” Gazza “It was a big relief off my shoulder” Stuart Pearce “I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel” Steve Lomas “Germany are a difficult team to play – they had 11 internationals out there today” Alan Shearer “One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best” Thierry Henry “Sometimes in football you have to score goals” Gary Lineaker “There’s no in-between. You are either good or bad – we were in-between” Ian Rush “I couldn’t settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country” Mark Draper “I’d like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona” Mark Viduka “I wouldn’t be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league”
5 sexiest players
5 ugliest players
David Beckham (England) Freddie Ljunberg (Sweden) Fabio Cannavaro (Italy) Steven Finnan (Ireland) Fernando Morientes (Spain)
Robbie Fowler (England) Hao Haidong (China) Pawel Kryszalowicz (Poland) Gonzalo Sorondo (Uruguay) Sebastian Deisler (Germany)
FocusFocusFocus HOT TOTTI: Italy’s Francesco
INSIDE FOCUS THIS WEEK: The latest food scare • Violence and the alcoholic link • That World Cup party
Gair Rhydd • Monday 20th May 2002
10 • Focus
Drunk and Disorderly In 1997 Jack Straw pledged to ‘call time’ on drunken street violence. Campaigners are still waiting for the promised strategy but, as David Lindsell discovers, Cardiff could be leading the way in tackling alcohol related assaults
C
ardiff, like most British cities, has a drink problem. One in four people across Britain have been attacked in or around a pub. In Cardiff, recent reports suggest a 20% rise in alcohol related assaults over the last two years. This Friday night 50,000 people will hit the bars, clubs and pubs to drink. Are we spiralling downward into a culture of violence as some campaigners suggest or is there a way of solving the problem? Professor Jonathan Shepherd is a doctor at Cardiff’s University Hospital. “From when I was training in the mid70s up until the mid-90s, there has been a steady increase in assaults requiring hospital treatment,” he says. “And the degree of violence has gone up as well. There is an automatic tendency to put the boot in, to use glasses and, more recently, bottles.” The link between alcohol and related violence is an old one. It is estimated that in 1999 alcohol was linked to attacks on more than 450,000 people. 75% of these incidents involved young men but the number of women becoming the victims as well as the perpetrators of drunken `street
rage’ has grown too. The results are often sickening. Prof. Shepherd was so fed up of repairing the bloody results of a drunken Friday-night-gone-wrong that he started to collect data as the victims of violent attacks entered casualty. “We can now detail which pub, club, street or district the violent incident took place and whether weapons such as knives or glasses were used; how many people were involved and what the relationship was between the assailant and the attacker,” he says. “And on a monthly basis we share that information with the police.” The data spurred Shepherd to start TASC (Targeting Tlcohol related Street Violence). The group is one of the success stories of the battle against violent crime on the streets and is seen by many as a good example of how the government should proceed with their strategy. It doesn’t seem a coincidence that alcohol related violence slowed last year after three years of TASC’s existence. The government was convinced and extended their funding for a further year with an extra £1/2 million. According to Superintendent Ian Tumelty, “What’s happening in Cardiff is genuinely different
and very promising.” As a member of the TASC force he is responsible for overseeing the prevention of violent crime on the streets of Cardiff. His ‘tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime’ stance is clear. “There’s no point simply tackling it on a Friday night. We have to get behind the problem.” The key is intelligent partnerships as Tumelty explains; “We’ve stopped simply naming and shaming and instead we’re forging genuine partnerships with licensees and other partners.” So far TASC has set up ServeWise (training bar staff to deal with confrontational situations), led the way in accurate crime data and started monthly landlords meetings. Here, important information about riot problems in upcoming football matches, or terrorism fears around the Labour conference can be shared. TASC also encouraged the introduction of strengthened beer glasses – the kind that don’t smash into deadly pieces when thrown. Police also visit schools, teaching, leading role-plays and encouraging young people to question the ‘drink culture’. Graham Goodwin, from the drinks industry Portman Group, is impressed. “Early studies were
often inaccurate and in 90% of Britain there is still little or no detailed data about the real extent of alcohol related violence. Cardiff is leading the way with its information and its strategy.” Pub and club owners are vital to that strategy and it is no surprise to Goodwin that they are so co-operative. “Drunks are a real problem for landlords and their staff. If everybody who liked a drink was less fearful of violence and felt safe to visit pubs and clubs then the industry would make billions. Doing the right thing is commercially viable.” A St. Mary’s Street landlord confirmed the sense of accomplishment that those in Cardiff feel. “In Bath and Bristol there is no surveillance, even before a big football match. But here we have a police radio linked to CCTV. When we anticipate trouble a camera can be trained instantly on the pub. When there is a problem the response time is fantastic.” Despite the lengthy wait for a Westminster policy, Cardiff is starting to reap the benefits of an integrated approach to alcohol related crime. As Superintendent Tumelty puts it “If everybody takes up their responsibility we can deal with alcohol related violent crime.”
Blind to the danger? Another day, another food scare. This time artificial sweetners are targeted. Jodi Morgan questions Cardiff University experts about the truth behind the NutraSweet rumours
T
here is evidence to suggest that the sweetener NutraSweet, commonly used in food products to replace sugar, may pose a threat to
eyesight. Aspartame, as it is medically known, is converted to the toxin methanol in the body, which can harm the retina and may even lead to blindness, according to Dr. Jeremy
Guggenheim, a lecturer in Optometry at Cardiff University. As far as Dr. Guggenheim is concerned, the risk of eye damage to humans is a hypothetical worry and not a reality as yet. Nevertheless, he added that he would personally never consume any foods that contained the substance in question. Rob Walter, an Ophthalmologist at the Heath Hospital in Cardiff, raised his concerns over the use of aspartame following experiments that were carried out in America. Rob Walter recalled how Monsonto, a large global corporation, undertook experiments on rats to test for the effects of aspartame. The corporate data that was produced revealed a link between aspartame consumption and retinal decay, but this evidence has not been made public by the company. Rob Walter has made many links between visual problems and those who commonly eat and drink products known to have aspartame in their ingredients. He recalled how an associate of his had developed retinal damage, and regularly drank six cans of diet cola every day for some years.
This led the professor to become suspicious of the sweetener when the man in question was recently diagnosed as suffering from an optic neuropathy, (a rare eye disorder that can lead to a loss of central vision). More worrying still, for those consumers who may not wish to purchase foods containing aspartame, avoidance is made especially difficult since this substance is in so many products: “NutraSweet is ubiquitous, it’s everywhere,” stressed Dr Walter. Despite the difficulties of finding aspartame free foods, he actively advises his patients to avoid products which contain NutraSweet – and it is not surprising that any foods that are hoping to make it into the Walter family’s shopping trolley are routinely screened for traces of the sweetener. The eye expert stressed that this area of concern needed to be researched. “There is a question mark that hangs over it,” he said, adding that what was discovered about the effects of aspartame on eye sight by Monsonto, should be made accessible to the general public, if it is true that they have nothing to hide.
NutraSweet deny the rumours. They claim that over 200 objective scientific studies, regulated by authorities such as the United States Food and Drug Administration, have found aspartame to be safe. They recommend that anyone worried about the dangers should talk to a nutritionist, their GP or dietitian. Foods containing Aspartame Soft drinks like Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi, over-the-counter and prescription drugs, vitamin and herb supplements, laxatives, frozen desserts, yoghurts, milk drinks, instant teas and coffees, gelatinbased desserts, cocoa mixes, sugarfree chewing gum.
Shopping at natural foods stores will minimise the amount of aspartame in foods. Fruit juice is often used as well as honey and licorice root.
Gair Rhydd Monday 20th May 2002
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World Cup conspiracies
Celebrity News In Brief Big Brother is being watched
Channel 4’s Big Brother 3 begins broadcasting on May 24th, which is the most exciting thing to happen this year. We would, though, do well not to expect it to be like last time, for not only do they have a flash new house situated in the North London studios where The Prisoner and The Shining were filmed. cause a furore, get some national There will be twelve people in the house feeling and support going and all the this time, to facilitate greater potential for while, you train in the corridors of that conflict and sex, one would suppose. And, mansion of yours. We won’t play you ‘til the Sweden game, when you more excitingly, the contestants will emerge, like the butterfly from the apparently be forced to give proper reasons chrysalis, and score fifteen goals for their nominations, so no wishy washy before half time, thus putting the fear of God into the rest into the remaining nonsense of before. The programme will be broadcast 24 teams” (all this in the Swedish accent, obviously). Anyway, that’s what I think hours a day on E4 with the aid of that happened, it’s a good plan, I hope it handy red button. There will also be a live works. show on Channel 4 on Saturday The other entertaining piece of news is that Nigeria have managed to upset a documenting the new “TV friendly” weekly challenges. number of the hosting stadiums by requesting that they are allowed to bury a dead goat under the pitch. This apparently appeases a number of spirits and will ensure good luck. Apparently several of the African teams are also worried that their pre-match habit of The Popstars dropouts Liberty (you consuming oxen blood will have to be scrapped for fear of incurring the wrath know, the good looking talented ones of the ever increasing swathe of laws who didn’t get into Hear’Say), have been concerning drug testing. forced to change their name to Liberty X Finally, one hundred percent of after an angry Scandinavian claimed his people writing this column believe that band was called Liberty. Despite this, Freddie Ljungberg is the sexiest player nobody is too disorientated, and the new involved with the World Cup, single Just a Little Bit is doing well and is something I would like to reiterate just in case Charlotte writes something else played all the time on Radio 1.
Leaving PopScene for dead in the gutter of media street, Abbi Shaw talks about the one thing she doesn’t have an exam on
A
s a result of the fact that last week’s column was so much fun, and also because I’m finding it somewhat difficult to do anything except ramble on meaningless and without justification about the World Cup, I’ve been awarded another column to vent my overflowing spleen. Thus here are some of the most interesting things I have been able to uncover about Korea/Japan 2002. Firstly, if you cast your minds back awhile, you may remember I had something of a journalistic scoop concerning a conspiracy to take over the world, propagated by those overcoated Westlife boys. Having had this conspiracy confirmed by their subsequent actions, I would like to introduce my latest finding: the Beckham Plan has been unmasked. Football is a dangerous game, there are no two ways about it. Granted the violence is light years away from the bloodshed seen in rugby, ice hockey, and netball, but we must remember that these talented footballers are considerably less durable than players of these games – less bulk, more speed. Thus when they become injured, these things tend to be far more dramatic than they would in any of the aforementioned events. Therefore, when Beckham went down during the Deportivo match – at the hand of an Argentinian, no less – noone batted an
eyelid when we heard he would be out of action, at least until the World Cup games began. Clearly, we all thought, he must have time and space to recuperate. A day of national prayer was practically held, and no objection would have been given, I imagine, had the entire tax resources of the nation been employed in getting our captain back on his feet. This is why we didn’t notice Sven’s plan. He’s a clever man, that Swede, and he understands that Beckham is our greatest asset. With Manchester United still having a number of games to play in the Premiership, not to mention the remaining England friendlies to be played prior to the beginning of the group games, an injury was the worst imaginable thing that could happen. Especially with all those who are potentially out to sabotage our team. So one can imagine dear old Sven having a quiet word in Beckham’s ridiculously expensive ear, saying “Look, everyone’s going to try to take you out over the next few games, and frankly, if they manage it, there’s no point us boarding the plane to Dubai. So, when you get tackled, do a few grimaces, twist about in the air a bit and perform a deceptively painful looking landing. Once you’re down, stay there, scream a bit, if you can manage tears that’s even better. Then, we tell the media that you are hurt,
Liberty to change name...
in her piece. Furthermore, despite the rumours about musicals, and his excellent taste in clothes, I’m sure he’s not gay. I mean, everyone said that about Beckham once.
Diamonds are forever
Daniel Barnes provides a round-up of what went on at the Beckham’s celebrity party
J
ust when I was beginning to think that it was about time for Elton John to have another birthday, the sparkling celebrity galaxy exploded in a much needed big bang of stardom, in the form of Address the Beckham’s pre World Cup Gair Rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union garden party. Hosted in the Japanese garden of Park Place their Hertfordshire mansion, this Cardiff charity soirée sported a guestlist so full CF10 3QN of jewels that the Tower of London Telephone would have felt inadequate. As well as Editorial – the whole of the England squad and (029) 20781434/436 Manchester United, guests included Advertising – former prince of daytime now lottery (029) 20781416 tycoon Dale Winton, the famously E-mail extravagant Elton John, mild mannered ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Sven, Jamie ‘the cunter’ Oliver and his Visitors wife, and curiously, Mick Hucknall. Find us on the 4th floor of the The invitation specified that the Students’ Union dress-code for the evening was white
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Focus • 11
tie for the gentlemen and diamonds for the ladies. Being responsible parent types nowadays, David and Victoria invited guests for two in the afternoon, and ensured that the invite clearly noted “Rickshaws at nightfall,” they could continue with their oh so perfect and functional family life with the children. Not only was the event to celebrate the inclusion of England in the World Cup (a joy I fear may be too shortlived), it was also to raise money for the NSPCC. Designer tables from the House of Beckham were auctioned off to corporate organisations for in excess of £10,000, pairs of David’s boots were sold to Jamie Oliver and Mick Hucknall and a days training with Beckham. Among others, DJ Spoony (wearing a salmon pink suit) provided the
Who is Howard Donald? Just after you thought Take That were dead and gone and even BBC Choice didn’t want Mark Owen anymore (their loss), you’ll be glad to know that Howard Donald is DJ-ing at the Homelands festival, so get down there and see an old boy get jiggy with his decks.
Bye Bye Brian Brian Dowling has had to terminate his employment at heat magazine, after Davina McCall expressed an interest in returning from maternity leave. The strange thing is, nobody at the publication seemed even slightly moved, especially editor, Mark Firth.
Not another Bryan...
entertainment for the evening, but sadly at the tail end of the night when the horse-drawn carriages pulled up to take the revellers away. A good celebrity knees-up is as good an opportunity as any to be seen, and this was by no means any exception. ITV paid a reported sixfigure sum to film the event, which will be shown on the channel next Saturday. So be sure to watch it and see the fun for yourself.
It has been alleged that Brian ‘the fool’ McFadden cheated on his new wife Kerry Katona on his stag night. Why is it that the single worst looking member of Westlife gets all the publicity? I don’t want to see his face in celebrity news pages ever again, and I don’t want to see him on the December page of my Westlife calendar.
Bjork and family To add to her already dysfunctional and crazy home life, Bjork has become pregnant by a New York artist we cannot reveal for legal reasons. I don’t know is that is exciting or terrifying.
email grsport@hotmail.com
Monday 29th April / Sport Page 13
Gerrard injury Dyer news for Sven SVEN’S MEN: The rumour mill went into overload, but after all the speculation Sven settled on a surprise free squad for the World Cup. GR Sports Pete Samson examines the squad and mulls over the effects of ‘England’s injury crisis’ Words by Pete Samson THE ONLY surprise inclusion in England’s World Cup squad was a defender with 41 caps who had just helped his club side secure the double. England’s midfield injury crisis meant that Sven Goran Eriksson was expected to name a versatile attacking player in the only place of his 23-man squad up for grabs. But as fans waited to see which exciting youngster would make a late burst for the plane – with Blackburn Rovers’ Matt Jansen hotly tipped – the final place went to 35-year-old Arsenal defender Martin Keown. After the injury to Gary Neville it looked as if the Swede would take Danny Mills as his first choice right back and Wes Brown as his deputy and fourth choice central defender. But in selecting Keown and Brown – as well as fellow centre-backs Sol Campbell, Rio Ferdinand and Gareth Southgate – it appears Sven fancies playing the Manchester United youngster on the right of defence instead
of the temperamental Mills. His decision to take an extra defender at the expense of a midfielder was met with surprise from sports desks around the country. With injury problems hanging over many key midfielders and the issue of who to play on the left still unsolved, Jansen, Liverpool’s Danny Murphy or Real Madrid’s Steve McManaman would have been a more popular choice. For the first time in Sven’s 14-month reign critics began to ask if Sven was as shrewd as everyone first thought. This was confirmed by last Saturday’s injuries to Steven Gerrard and Kieron Dyer. Gerrard is definitely out of the tournament and Dyer is doubtful – even if he does make it to Japan and Korea the chances of him playing every game are very slim. Coupled with Nicky Butt’s knee-ligament damage and David Beckham’s broken metatarsal England’s midfield looks very vulnerable to injuries.
If Dyer loses his fitness battle then who will fill the troublesome left-wing position is biggest decision that Sven has to make. That place could go to Murphy, who has replaced Gerrard in the squad, Emile Heskey, Owen Hargreaves or Joe Cole. West Ham starlet Cole would be the peoples’ choice but Sven may feel he would be better used as a substitute in a game calling out for his flair and invention. Ashley Cole could push up with Wayne Bridge coming in at left-back.
“Owen’s pace could be the not-so-secret weapon to cause an upset” Emile Heskey might be asked to use his power down that flank with Robbie Fowler or Darius Vassell taking his place in attack. If Dyer doesn’t recover from his knee-ligament damage his place in the squad will go to Trevor Sinclair. Placing the West Ham winger on standby ahead of
DAYS UNTIL THE WORLD CUP
11!
NEXT ISSUE: GR Sport take a look at Group B, where Spain will hope to prove the doubters wrong. We will also examine the impact the World Cup will have on the people of Japan and South Korea. Plus, a player profile on Alvero Recoba
These doubts will be justified if Beckham, Butt and Dyer lose their fitness races or have recurrences of their
injuries. That would make a midfield consisting of Hargreaves, Murphy and Sinclair a real possibility and England would be lucky to progress from their group. But in the face of this injury crisis there is one man who appears to have put his problems behind him. Michael Owen has recovered from his midseason hamstring problem and travels to the Far East fresh and on form.
Owen’s pace could be the not-so-secret weapon to cause an upset. While Eriksson defended his decision to take Keown he also admitted he might have made a mistake. “We have a young squad but Seaman, Keown and Sheringham are the fathers of the team,” he said. “We thought about the extra man in midfield but in the end we said no. We’ll only know if that was right at the end of the World Cup.”
managers Wanderley Luxemburgo, Candinho and Leao which appeared to only aggravate the situation. Felipe Scolari was then installed to steer the Brazilian ship on to calmer waters, which he has achieved well and now hopes to lead the side to World Cup glory. While Scolari has in many Brazilians’ eyes rescued the national team, a glance at the squad of players to choose from makes their stumble into the World Cup seem very hard to believe. With the likes of Cafu, Carlos, Rivaldo, Ronaldo, Edilson, Elber and Denilson, Brazil are certainly well equipped to make a forceful bid for the World Cup. Ronaldo’s absence from the national side due to two terrible years of injury may go someway to explaining Brazil’s stuttering form last year. However, having returned fit in April for Inter Milan and having scored a few goals, the 1996 and 1997 world player of the year will be a big threat in Brazil’s attack. Ironically, it is failure and disappointment that will be the biggest impetus for Ronaldo this summer. Four years ago in the World Cup final against France, he saved his worst
performance for the biggest day after a seizure hours before kick-off and which Brazil memorably went on to lose. After that he suffered a terrible knee injury which has plagued his last two seasons and only a few weeks ago he experienced the heartbreak of losing the Italian league on the final day of the season. For Ronaldo, Japan and Korea presents an opportunity to put aside all the misfortune which will inspire him more than most. Barcelona’s Rivaldo will be another major threat for Brazil. The pivotal playmaker has again been in inspirational form this season despite knee injuries. With his quickness and footwork Rivaldo will undoubtedly terrorise the stingiest of defences and will also be looking to make up for the defeat against France in 1998. However, doubts remain over his knee injury and it is feared that he may not be able to last the whole of the competition. This could then make way for Bayern Munich’s Elber or even Sonny Anderson, who are both equally capable of performing on the world’s greatest stage. Brazil’s defensive responsibilities will fall
mainly on Cafu at right back and Carlos on the left side. While both are great players going forward, some teams may fancy that they are vulnerable in defence and may look to exploit any potential weaknesses. This is exactly what France did four years ago and it proved that Brazil’s traditional philosophy of outscoring opponents is not infallible. Indeed, while Brazil are capable of scoring from positions all over the pitch, it is in defence that they are found most wanting and may ultimately lead to their elimination. Having been bracketed with Turkey, China and Costa Rica, Brazil will certainly be favourites to win their group and qualify for the knockout stages. Should they do so they could well set up a potentially classic quarterfinal match-up against the world champions France. Whether or not Brazil manage to conquer the world and send 160 million countrymen into euphoria, they will undoubtedly bring an unrivalled atmosphere to the Far East. With the sight and sound of gold and samba and the attractiveness of their football, Brazil will as always end up being something to behold.
Champions League winning Steve McManaman meant more questions were asked of the previously untouchable Eriksson.
“While Eriksson defended his decision to take Keown he admitted he might have made a mistake”
It’s all gone a Ronaldo underlines bit Rigobert threat of samba boys Words by David Williams AFTER SUFFERING an indifferent time in the Premier League, Cameroon captain Rigobert Song will lead his country to the World Cup with an unenviable record to his name. When only a teenager, the ex-Liverpool defender made history in USA ‘94 when he became the youngest player to be sent off in World Cup history. If one red card wasn’t enough, Song, who is still contracted to West Ham, was then dismissed in France 98 and now has to tread a fine line if he wants to avoid a hattrick of early baths as Cameroon take on Germany, Saudi Arabia and the Republic of Ireland. To many spectators, Song’s poor disciplinary record reflects the way the centreback has played in England after numerous howlers in defence. However, it was Gerard Houllier, a man with a good reputation for spotting players, who took a chance on Song as back up for an already strong Liverpool defence. After a number of appearances though, it was clear that the player who guided Cameroon to the African Cup of Nations wouldn’t have many chances behind Hyypia and Henchoz. Harry Redknapp’s decision to sign Song was viewed with suspicion in several quarters but after his first couple of appearances the doubters seemed to have been proved wrong. This was also shown in his performances for his country
as Cameroon gained a creditable draw in a friendly against France before the last African Championships. But, following an unsuccessful campaign, Song’s form went downhill and he was eventually loaned out to Germany. With Nigeria and Senegal looking like good outside bets to do well in Japan and Korea, Song and Cameroon will have to raise their current form if they are to avoid going out in the first round for the third successive World Cup. As well as being sent-off eight years ago, Song had to watch Cameroon fail where they were so successful in Italia ‘90. Cameroon and Song will hope to rekindle the magic of Roger Milla and co if they are expecting to continue African football’s growing reputation.
RIGOBERT: Off, Off, Off?
Words by Pete Samson THE WORLD Cup qualifiers don’t care much for status, history and tradition, just ask the Dutch that, but a World Cup without Brazil, although inconceivable, was almost a reality. Not until the final qualifying game did the Brazilians book their place in Korea and Japan after a 3-0 victory over fellow contenders Venezuela. Yet, how did the fourtimes World Cup winning nation with the record of being the only team to have played in all previous tournaments, almost suffer the humiliation of being eliminated before the finals had even began. The answer rather unusually lies in the quality of their football. Having once had the reputation of playing the beautiful game in a beautiful way, in the qualifying matches Brazil resorted to a more tactical and direct method of playing. This system was alien to the whole side, who failed to impose themselves. Indeed, the more physical game so accustomed in Europe was not the strength of the Brazilians and this reflected in a poor run of form. As a result out went the
Monday 20th May / Sport Page13
The vital pace of Giggs
Cont. from Back Page the night. From the kick-off the ball was knocked wide to Delaney who launched a long ball to Hartson. A great flick on by the Celtic forward put Earnshaw clear of the two German central defenders, he then darted left and placed a precision shot in the top left hand corner of the net. The goal seemed to spark confidence in the Welsh team. Just two minutes later Simon Davies had a chance after latching onto a long ball but Kahn was quick off his line to make a strong save. With a disallowed goal by Earnshaw on the hour for offside, it became increasingly evident that the German’s had no answer for his pace and Hartson’s aerial
ability. A Marko Bode header and a Carsten Jancker volley hit the post as Germany threatened to draw the scores level late on. But these misses were the only two real chances Germany created for the entire match. This will be a great concern for coach Rudi Voeller just three weeks before the start of the World Cup. Hughes made an emotional substitution in the final minute as Earnshaw departed to a standing ovation. Chris Coleman came on to a roar of applause to mark his return from a horrific car accident 18 months ago which had threatened his career. With two draws, a win and only one goal conceded in their last three matches against Argentina, Czech Republic and now Germany, Hughes has been encouraged with the progress in the last six months. “This series of games we’ve just had against top-class opposition has been a real test for us but we’ve come through it and it’s a credit to the players and the efforts that they have shown,” stated Hughes. Wales can now look forward to the start of their qualifying campaign for Euro 2004 with confidence. Recent performances will need to be replicated if Wales are to achieve success but the foundations have certainly been laid. As for Germany, with the World Cup approaching so soon, Rudi Voeller will be hoping that his team is suffering from mere ring rust rather than more permanent corrosion.
Durham sunk by academy masterclass CARDIFF – GLAMORGAN V DURHAM UNIVERSITY ENGLISH CRICKET BOARD CHAMPIONSHIP SOPHIA GARDENS CARDIFF 8 – 9TH MAY 2002
CARDIFF – GLAMORGAN WON BY 6 RUNS Words by Trish Ball THE CARDIFF-GLAMORGAN UNIVERSITY CRICKET CENTRE OF Excellence side brought off a magnificent victory in a thrilling encounter against a very highly rated Durham. Cardiff won by six runs with James Tomlinson (Cardiff University) clipping the top of the last man, Mark Thorburn's, off stump as the Durham tailenders threatened to win the game. Earlier Cardiff U.C.C.E were indebted to an innings of great application from opener James Cook (UWIC) who played solidly for 205 minutes,
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compiling 85 runs including nine 4’s. Cook was well supported by Steve Edmunds (Cardiff University) batting at number six, with his stylish stroke play impressed with an innings of 32. Durham captured wickets at regular intervals but a defiant last wicket stand of 34 between Tomlinson (17 not out) and Thnuj Sud (Cardiff University) enabled the home side to reach a respectable 257 all out. The Durham reply centred on Matthew Brown and Matthew Banes, both professional players with Middlesex and Kent respectively. However, Tomlinson dismissed Brown early on the second morning who was caught at leg gully by Cook. Sud followed this with a magical delivery, deceiving Banes, and caught acrobatically by Tom Fray (UWIC). Sud continued to weave his spell and broke the backbone of the visitors batting, returning superb figures of 4-46 in 23 overs, including a leaping one handed return catch off his own bowling. The bowling and fielding of
email grsport@hotmail.com Cont. from Back Page wouldn't materialise and it was only an incredible reflex save from Green after a downward volley from Geoff Horsfield that parity was preserved going in to halftime. In the second-half Norwich began where they had left off in the first, playing the prettier football but still searching for that decisive strike. As the game wore on the tension and drama continuously intensified but both sides continued to play well and refused to let the magnitude of the occasion hinder them. With the whole future of both the clubs and players riding on the match, the pedigree of football that was served up was simply tremendous and rather begs the question of why Cup finals never create the kind of matches that the playoffs do. The end of ninety minutes was approaching and extratime loomed when John sent a shot blazing over the bar from five yards out to put the Brummie fans into despair. Cardiff–Glamorgan remained impressive for the rest of the day making Durham work very hard for their runs. Tomlinson added a couple of wickets in two further spells of bowling before delivering the coup de gras with the second new ball, leaving Durham six runs short of the victory. A superb game of cricket played in excellent spirit, but a match that was hugely influenced by the performance of Cardiff University Students, James Tomlinson, Tanuj Sud and Steve Edmunds.
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Not to be outdone Norwich's substitute, Iwan Roberts, narrowly missed sliding onto a ball across the Birmingham goal in the dying seconds which would have undoubtedly sent the Canaries flying into the Premiership. But Roberts was to put the miss behind him as he placed a screaming header into the corner of Nico Vaesen's goal in the first minute of extratime. From here on however, Norwich's Premiership dream slowly but surely evolved into a nightmare as Horsfield's equaliser twelve minutes later gave Birmingham the edge in this classic encounter and then two misses in the subsequent penalty shoot-out meant that Norwich were left to walk down the tunnel back to another year in Division one while Birmingham strode towards the Premiership, even if it was through the back door. No one was more happier with the Blues promotion than manager Steve Bruce who had received much criticism for leaving Crystal Palace earlier in the season when they once sat at the top of Division one. "I have to say to Norwich that it is a very cruel way to lose a football match but we have only lost one game in 17 and have proved to everyone that we are worth a place in the Premiership," said Bruce. As for Norwich, Delia and the boys now face a tough three months in trying to overcome the despair of defeat but with performances like this and the attractiveness of their football, it won't be long before Canary yellow is seen at Premiership grounds around the country.
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“West Ham’s starlet Joe Cole can be the people’s choice”, page 12
World Cup
Uni Cricket
Pete Samson investigates the England squad – minus Steven Gerrard
The Academy defeat a highly rated Durham side by 6 runs
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Monday 20th May / Free Word 722
Brum joy
Report by Matt Greenhill
The triumphant Cardiff University cricket club.
PHOTO: MICHAEL PEARLMAN
CU set for BUSA May-day Earnshaw the
Report by Brett Hart ON WEDNESDAY, Cardiff University Cricket 1st Team booked their place in the last 16 of the BUSA national competition. The team finished top of the Western region, with four successive victories over Swansea Institute, UW Lampeter, UWCM and Glamorgan. Following the success of the Indoor Team, who finished second in the BUSA competition at Lords in March, Cardiff maintain their success in the outdoor campaign. The opening batting partnership of Gareth Lambe and Will Muse consistently provided a solid foundation for the team, with Lambe scoring 59, 38 and 44 in his first year representing the university. All-rounder Ian Jack provided useful support with a score of 65 runs and 9 wickets in three games. First team wicket keeper Sam Shepherd has been commanding behind the stumps and has chipped in with a well earned half-century with the bat.
Club Secretary George McCullough said, “the exams like every year have hit us hard and the most pleasing aspect for me has been the performances of the first years.” He added, “we will need to maintain our high standards in all aspects of the game to do ourselves justice in June.” On the bowling front, the aggressive seam attack of Morgan Parkin and Abdullah Jauda has proved critical, leaving many sides on the back foot from the outset. This was backed up by the wealth of experience of Chris Cook and the leg spin of James Breesely, who gained 4 wickets for 20 runs against Glamorgan. 1st Team Captain Simon
Joiner was delighted with his team's display. “The team worked hard all winter and commitment amongst the boys has been exceptionally high. We must now focus on the latter stages to ensure we bring the title to Cardiff in June”. The latter stages of BUSA begin on Wednesday 29th May, with the squad optimistic of reaching the next round. "With the exam period reaching a close by June, it may prove vital in allowing us to consistently field our strongest team,” James Breesley commented. In addition to the BUSA competition, Cardiff seek to retain their Varsity trophy over Swansea when the teams meet at the end of June. Cardiff remain confident of a consecutive victory over their Varsity rivals.
GR Sport is always looking for contributors, designers and editors. Come to our editorial meeting, 1.15 pm on Monday at the top of the Students Union, or e-mail us at grsport@hotmail.com. Articles need to reach us by 12.00 pm on Thursdays.
hero as Wales beat Germans
A TRIO of Midlands clubs will feature in next season's Premiership as Birmingham City won a dramatic penalty shoot-out against a gallant Norwich City in the Division 1 playoff final. The Blues have joined Aston Villa and fellow newcomers, West Bromwich Albion, in the Premiership elite and St. Andrews can now look forward to hosting not just some explosive local derbys but also the flair and flamboyance of the likes of Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool and Chelsea. An almost capacity crowd of 70,000 filled the Millennium Stadium on Sunday with the colours of yellow and blue and with the stadium roof closed for the match an incredibly noisy and vibrant atmosphere was the result. It was a truly fantastic spectacle and was a tribute to the whole of football in a period where hooliganism has again raised its ugly head. Birmingham dominated the first 15 minutes of the match and a well placed through ball by Bryan Hughes put Trinidad and Tobago international, Stern John, through but he placed his shot just wide of Robert Green's post. This scare seemed to eradicate early Norwich nerves as the Canaries went on to dictate the rest of the first half with Paul McVeigh, David Nielsen and Gary Holt combining well with good passing and penetrative running. However, the goal that Norwich's impressive play deserved just
Continued on page 13 Matt Greenhill Robert Earnshaw announced his introduction to full international football with a goal to cap an impressive individual performance as Wales secured a 1-0 win over World Cup qualifiers Germany. The 21-year old Cardiff City striker scored just 15 seconds into the second-half in one of the best Welsh team
Cardiff’s Robert Earnshaw
performances since the enchanted days of Terry Yorath’s reign almost a decade ago. Earnshaw’s performance will not only have many Premiership clubs tracking his progress but must have also guaranteed him a role by manager Mark Hughes in their forthcoming European Championship qualifiers. "He’s had a fantastic evening,” Hughes later commented. "I think he’s still running around the pitch. It’s always important when you’re a young player that when you get an opportunity you take it and he snatched it with both hands this evening." Right from the beginning of the match Earnshaw was a live wire looking to be involved at all times.
He scared German defenders with his electrifying pace and was willing to track back and defend when required. His link up play with Ryan Giggs and John Hartson was exceptional considering the trio have never played together before. As early as the ninth minute Earnshaw made his first significant contribution when a delightful flicked pass sent Giggs through on goal. The Welsh goal was never really tested in the first half which was testament to the back four of Mark Delaney, Gary Speed, Andy Melville and Robert Page. The second half started explosively in what was to be the defining moment of the
Continued on page 13
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