gair rhydd - Issue 724

God Save the Queen News lets you celebrate the Jubilee in style Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

MONDAY 3RD JUNE 2002 / FREE WORD 724

Inside GRiP: A bring their caffeine-fuelled rock to Solus

gairrhydd CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

Critics take swipe at NUS over new card Mark Cobley reports THE OLD NUS card that we all know and love is to be scrapped, if NUS officials have their way.

Under new proposals the NUS card will be replaced with a new ‘swipe’ card dependent on registration with NUSonline.

Students will only be able to use the card if they register on the website, providing personal information such as name, date of birth, course details and email address.

Critics fear that this information will be misused, since every purchase a student makes with the card can be logged and matched with their online profile,

providing information about students’ buying habits and possibly leading to commercial targeting and aggressive marketing by associated companies.

The cards will also replace the old up-front discount with a complicated system whereby the full price for products is charged at first, and then refunded to students’ accounts later.

Paul Leake, Durham Students’ Union Treasurer, said, “We’ve only just been told about it – why weren’t we ever asked?

“It will cost us time and effort in having to ensure we can effectively distribute these

“The scheme is manoevering students into investing in companies SOMMERVILLE for NUS’ benefit” SOCIETIES ANDJAMES UNION SECRETARY

extra cards as we currently have a joint Union/ Library card which the University administers. Several Unions look set to refuse to give them out,” he continued.

The deal is rumoured to have been steamrollered in by ITM, the company that runs NUSonline.

ITM has seen its value plummet recently as the site has not attracted the hoped for number of visitors, and some critics claim the new NUS card will be used as an attempt to salvage the ITM deal by forcing students to register on NUSonline.

The deal will also mean that the discounted money is effectively invested in the NUS and ITM until it is passed onto the student.

Cardiff’s University’s Sabbatical officers have raised their doubts about the new system.

The new NUS card would be swiped through till points

Societies and Union Secretary James Sommerville said, “NUS are using their guaranteed membership and recognisable brand to gain

market clout. If students don’t get discount straightaway that’s a little unfair. It’s manoevering them into investing into companies for

NUS’ benefit.”

He continued, “Cardiff Students’ Union is considering bringing in a separate NUS card for Cardiff students.”

Breakdown in communication leads to second exam farce of the year Anna Hodgekiss reports SECOND YEAR Language and Communication students have fallen victim to the University’s second exam blunder of the year.

Candidates sitting the ‘Describing Language’ module were thrown into confusion upon reading the examination guidance, which wrongly instructed students to answer all the questions on the paper.

This conflicted with the module lecturer’s advice, who had informed them that they would only have to answer two questions during the twohour examination.

There was chaos in the exam hall as the problem was queried, and it eventually

emerged that the lecturer’s advice was correct.

Around forty students were involved in the incident, the majority of whom followed the lecturer’s advice and only answered two questions.

The invigilator’s report details that the problem was first discovered five minutes into the exam.

Despite the invigilators having the module lecturer’s mobile telephone number directly to hand, the member of staff was not contacted.

He had remained in his office throughout the duration of the exam should problems arise, and the department is still unclear why he was not immediately contacted as the situation could have been

rectified within seconds.

The exam was frequently disrupted with invigilators receiving scraps of information, causing distraction to students sitting other exams.

The Language and Communication students, particularly those who attempted all six questions, are extremely worried about the effect on their grades for the year, accounting for 50% of the overall degree.

Professor Nikolas Coupland, Director of the Centre for Language and Communication apologised to the students involved saying, “At this point we anticipate it will not be necessary for students to re-sit the exam. We

have given assurance they will not be disadvantaged in assessment in this area through this very regrettable error”.

Staff at the faculty met with students last Monday, and informed them that the department is in close contact with the Academic Registry and following their advice.

No final decision has been made over a re-sit, and the paper was still marked.

Students were told they would be ‘compensated’ for the trouble caused, especially those on the borderline between grades and were no doubt comforted to know lecturers had ‘lost sleep’ over the incident.

Continued on page 3

“I can’t see how Cardiff playing in the Superleague can ever be financially viable. The Superleague just isn’t self-sufficient” SPORT EXAMINE THE SAD DEMISE OF CARDIFF DEVILS P40 News p1–5 ● Letters p9 ● GRiP 11 TV listings p23 ● Features p31 ● Sport p39

News 2

IN BRIEF Thirsty for adventure?

MARIE CURIE Cancer Care is looking for volunteers to take part in their Nepal Trek Oversees Challenge.

Participants will journey across Nepal visiting local people and viewing beautiful countryside whilst raising money for the charity.

For further information contact the South East Wales fundraising office on 01873 303011.

World Cup in Union THERE IS no excuse to miss this summer’s biggest sporting event as World Cup Fever comes to Cardiff Union.

All this week’s matches will be broadcast in either the Tafarn, Games Room or Cap ‘n’ Gown.

Alcohol will be served after 12pm.

To celebrate the event the Union will be running special promotions details of which can be found on the Union noticeboards along with the venue of the screenings.

Fair finds Cardiff talent REPRESENTATIVES FROM top firms will be scouting for new talent at next month's Cardiff Graduate Recruitment Fair.

The event, open to graduates of all disciplines, will take place on Thursday June 13 from 11am to 4pm in Cardiff University Students' Union.

A wide range of employers are expected to show including representatives from accountancy, insurance firms, the forces, police, engineering, science and the Teacher Training Agency, all of whom are already confirmed.

Queen drops into town THE QUEEN’S tour of Wales Jubilee Tour will start on June 11. Catch her in Cardiff on the 14 June when she will be making a brief visit to the National Assembly.

Gair Rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434/436 ADVERTISING 02920 781416 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 3RD JUNE 2002

Brewers call time on The Mackintosh

Labour University launched Anna Hodgekiss reports

Mark Cobley reports

CATHAYS RESIDENTS are up in arms over recentlyannounced plans to refurbish and re-brand the Macintosh Pub. The brewery owners, Six Continents Retail, are to alter the Mackie’s traditional and quiet atmosphere with plans to turn the pub into an Arena Sports Bar. The changes are due to take place over the summer, ready in time for Freshers’ Week next year, and will aim at modernising the pub and making it more attractive to students, with plush sofas, bright colours and a widescreen TV. Pub manager Rob Cashman, who has run the Mackie for eleven years, is also being retired as a part of the plans.

He told gair rhydd, “It’s a real shame Six Continents are doing this. The Mackie is one of the last places in Cathays that locals, professionals and students alike can all come and socialise together.

The pub’s regulars have drawn up a petition to protest against the changes.

They have collected over 1,000 signatures so far, and many have been from students. All four Cathays Councillors have also pledged their support.

Councillor Jane Reece said, “The plans to redevelop the Macky are clearly out of line with local opinion.

The Mackintosh is great as it is, and Six Continents should leave it alone.”

Despite this, Mr. Cashman was pessimistic.

“It’s great that people are saying that they want the Mackie to stay and maybe even me too, but I think Six Continents have already made up their minds.”

One regular commented, “There are enough pubs that have been changed, or ‘modernised’ in Cathays already. They did it to the Ely (now The End), the George, and the Woody.

The Woody used to be my local, now they won’t serve

“Modernised pubs won’t serve me because I’m not a LOCAL CATHAYS RESIDENT student”

University head call for higher fees Mark Cobley reports UNIVERSITY BOSSES have given their clearest indication yet that they want students to contribute even more to their education.

Baroness Warwick, the chief executive of Universities UK, told MPs on Wednesday that there was “no reason why students should not be paying a greater proportion of the tuition fee.”

Her comment has been taken as a signal that Universities want students to pay more.

A spokesman for the education and skills committee told gair rhydd, “UUK’s concern, primarily, is to make sure funding from the government’s forthcoming Spending Review goes to the Universities instead of paying for more generous student support.”

This view is supported by recent evidence that more Universities than ever are facing financial difficulty, with staff cutbacks and cashflow crises at the University of Manchester Institute, Strathclyde University, Derby University and the federal

University of Wales, of which Cardiff is a part.

Baroness Warwick told the committee that it would be ‘intolerable’ if any increased money from student contributions did not go back to Universities.

Cardiff University responded with concern to the news.

“There is no official University policy on tuition fees and no proposals for topup fees have ever been brought forward by the University Council,” a spokesman said.

“However, the Council did express concerns over the initial introduction of fees.”

UUK also supports a return to student grants of up to £4,000, but these would be means-tested and not available to all.

Professor Roderick Floud, president of UUK, also spoke at the meeting in favour of a graduate tax arrangement, whereby students would receive grants when in University but then pay a higher level of tax afterwards.

However, he stressed this was just his personal opinion and not that of the UUK.

The Mackintosh is soon to drop its traditional image

me because I’m not a student.”

A spokeswoman for Six Continents retail told gair rhydd, “We are spending upwards of £150,000 on making the new Mackintosh more modern, up to date and comfortable. We will

also be expanding events at the pub to include karaoke, live entertainment, theme nights and quizzes.”

Mr. Cashman concluded, “From what I’ve heard it’s just going to be another Woodville, and what’s the point in that? ”

THE LABOUR Party is to launch its own university this autumn to train activists and MP’s.

The University of the Labour Party is originally the project of David Triesman, the party’s general secretary and former head of the Association of the University of Teachers.

To enhance the credibility of the scheme, Labour officials are encouraging partner universities to run some courses related to areas such as political history and economics.

Other areas of study will count towards a diploma and a potentially quicker route to election campaigns and seats.

However the University will not be campus based, favouring local Labour clubs and trade union centres as course venues.

It is thought this will encourage ethnic minorities and women to become more involved in politics. The courses will be organised on three levels with the most basic covering areas such as book-keeping and chairing of meetings.

Mr Triesman believes there is demand for the course. “There is a very considerable hunger for a general political education. We want the people who offer themselves to the electorate to have had a thorough grounding in political and other areas”.

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 3RD JUNE 2002

Exam error leaves students fuming Continued from Page 1 Language and Communication student Libby Tatham said, “A lot of people were upset by this, it was a real shock to discover that such a huge mistake could have been made. I am quite confident they will mark it fairly though.”

However, it appears exam cock-ups have not been infrequent this year.

Several Economics students also complained of mis-typed exam papers this week.

Second year student Benjamin Twiss said, “For the lecturers to make such silly mistakes in such crucial exam papers after we’ve put so much work in shows a complete lack of respect towards the students of Cardiff University.”

Earlier in the term an International Finance exam from the Business School was declared void when it was discovered that the exam questions were identical to those set in a core textbook.

Exam havoc causes stress

News 3

Student commits suicide over results Aimee Bryant reports AN INQUEST into the death of a Swansea University student who committed suicide after staging an armed robbery in an attempt to alter her degree result was held last week.

The bizarre incident occurred last summer when law student Julie Wintersgill held a cleaner at gunpoint in an attempt to steal the keys to the law department.

The distressed student was convinced that her 2:2 degree result was not sufficient to enable her to pursue her final year course to qualify as a barrister.

Her initial break-in attempt failed when the keys did not fit, so two days later she returned and successfully managed to increase her degree classification to a 2:1. University officials

soon became suspicious and the police were immediately involved.

However, with the court case impending and fearing her dream career to be ruined, the student was found dead at the Gower beauty spot of Fall Bay near Rhossili.

Miss Wintersgill was facing charges of possessing a firearm, believed to be a pellet gun, and of robbery.

The student killed herself using a shotgun just days after the incident and was found near to the Swansea family home of her boyfriend, Gywn Davies.

Realising that Miss Wintersgill was under a lot of pressure at university, Mr. Davies had at the time been trying to console the devastated student.

“The University made Julie’s problems far MR. WINTERSGILL STUDENTS FATHER worse”

Julie Wintersgill was so distraught she shot herself and (inset) Fall Bay where she died

The student had also suffered as a result of road rage attack against her nine months prior to her death.

Her father, Mike Wintersgill, has criticised Swansea University for its handling of the case.

“It seemed strange

that the university’s immediate reaction was to involve the police rather than to discuss it with the student.

“To have done so perhaps would have brought to light her mental state. No one had established why an act so out of character

Takeaway plans for Chip Alley

John Collinridge reports CONDEMNED AS “the worst street in South Wales”, Caroline Street or Chip Alley has recently received mass criticism from the council, public and local media.

The street is renowned for being littered with overflowing and split bin-bags and discarded fast food wrappers.

It has recently been described as a “dumping ground” and “the city’s biggest litter hotspot”.

A derelict site on the street has also caused concern with its discarded mattresses, rubble and building refuse.

The eight fast food and kebab shops in the 200-yard stretch of Chip Alley are targeted by punters enjoying their curry and chips, but their litter is simply discarded on the street because of the lack of rubbish bins.

The street is also a notorious crime zone with local residents recalling many incidents of violent crime after closing time for the pubs and clubs.

However, a proposed £20M plan could see the demolition

of the street that is viewed by many Cardiff residents as a real eyesore. In a modernisation of the Brains Old Brewery, a new complex is set to be built that will combine shops, luxury flats, bars and restaurants.

Dubbed ‘The Old Brewery Quarter.’ it will extend from Caroline Street to St Marys Street bringing a new image to the area.

Cardiff County Council has also set aside money for the repaving of this street.

The manager of recently opened Morgan’s Fish and Kebab Shop revealed how the Council will also implement and fund a revamping scheme for the shops, giving exterior facelifts to fit in with the proposed suave new image.

Yet for many, little of the Chip Alley’s appeal comes from its aesthetic value.

The shops offer competitive pricing, relatively varied menus, and an undeniable level of choice.

Questioned on the potential demise of Caroline Street, Cardiff student David Richardson said, “It would be a sad day if they were to bull-

doze Chip Alley. We always come here on a night out.”

He viewed the litter as “Not that much of a problem.”

“To be honest you don’t really notice it much.”

An employee at Best Kebab,

while knowing little of the proposed plans for the street, did take the opportunity to plug the fact that his shop remains open until 5am. “ The shops down here offer unparrelled service,” he said.

Chip Alley could face the chop says Cardiff council

had been committed.

“The actions those involved took only served to make Julie’s problems worse and offered her none of the help she so badly required,” he said.

It was when Mr. Davies left the student alone at his flat in the

Uplands for a short period of time that she disappeared. Her body was later recovered by a cliff rescue team, which included friends of Mr. Davies.

The inquest into the death of Miss Wintersgill was held at County Hall, Swansea.

‘Wacky’ Cardiff students on TV Colin J Goldihorne reports

It is presented by Gabrielle Richens, recently voted FHM’s 41st sexiest woman.

The winner of the show receives a day out and an evening meal at restaurant, all of which is filmed.

Students can turn on and cheer their fellow Cardiffians at 12.30am on Friday night and 2am on Sunday morning on HTV.

CARDIFF STUDENTS have taken the opportunity to parade themselves on TV, as Dial-aDate was broadcast from the city last week.

The programme generally features a large number of student competitors, and cameramen and researchers accosted Cardiff students on the steps of the Union.

One Cardiff student, John Collingridge, whose profile is to be shown this weekend said, “I’m a bit worried this is going to make me look desperate.”

But he also encouraged people to watch it and support Cardiff students. “I’ve always wanted to be on TV so it’s worth a try. The researcher told me it would be unlike anything I’d ever done before.”

He may be correct, since a previous show featuring Southampton students saw them trying to be farmers, milking cows and chasing pigs.

Dial-a-Date might usually be the sort of programme students steer well clear of, mainly because of the Blind Date approach it takes to the ‘wacky’ lives of students and their turbulent relationships – and the fact that it’s also on at the same time as Lashtastic.

John awaits his TV career

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 3rd JUNE 2002

News 4

The Week In Print

Raised eyebrows as Dome is given away

DC Gates reports AFTER TWO years of residing as a thorn in the side of the government, the future of the Millennium Dome has finally been decided.

The celebratory erection, dubbed ‘a vainglorious bauble’ by some, will be handed over to the international business consortium Meridian Delta Ltd., along with 190 acres of land that immediately surrounds it.

An announcement made to the House of Lords last Tuesday disclosed that over a billion pounds had been spent developing the site since the plans to build in the area were draw up, leaving members somewhat cynical as to the current proposals.

These involve the govern-

ment spending £3m annually until planning permission is granted – a process which will not take under a year.

The site has been given away in the hope that the taxpayer will see a return of £550m as part of a profit-sharing scheme between the government, Meridian Delta, and the US-based Anschutz Entertainment Group, but the recouping of this figure is expected to take twenty years.

The private companies are intending to construct a 20,000-seater stadium, as well as a ‘Millennium Square’ and will develop houses, shops and offices with all profits being shared with the government.

However, Lord Falconer,

who has ceased to be responsible for the Dome since last Thursday, has revealed that the proposed profit-sharing scheme could be halted if either of the companies sold on their shares.

Under certain circumstances the Dome is also due to be demolished in 2018, casting aspersions on the plan.

However, Falconer claimed that an outright sale of the site would have yielded less money than the current agreements.

Unsurprisingly, the Tory culture spokesman Tim Yeo said that the government’s handling of the matter was “bungling.”

However, Lord Falconer described the deal as “the best we could get”.

Dog food on offer to World Cup fans James Bladon reports A FAR cry from the ubiquitous meat pie found at league grounds the length and breath of the country, football fans travelling to the Far East may finding themselves enjoying a half-time snack of even more dubious content.

England fans will be offered free samples of dog soup, dog sandwiches and dog burgers by stalls set up in each of South Korea’s ten World Cup stadiums in the coming month.

A group of 150 dog meat restaurateurs in South Korea have taken the step as a result of steadily increasing pressure to end the practice of breeding dogs for consumption.

A spokesman for the group said, “Our campaign is aimed at advertising our traditional food to foreigners to dispel their prejudices about our food culture.”

He continued, “Dog meat is part of South Korean cuisine, as horse meat, snails and pigeon are to some other countries.”

Despite three million South Koreans liking nothing better than to chow down at one of the countries 6,000 dog meat restaurants, international pressure is growing to end the practice.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter has also urged the Korean government to take “immediate and decisive measures to put an immediate end to this cruelty.”

Animal rights campaigners have condemned the eating of dog meat as ‘barbarous’ and want it banned as soon as possible. The sentiment was echoed by England stars

Michael Owen and Emile Heskey who added their names to a petition campaigning against the torture of cats and dogs in South Korea.

But with no immediate end in sight to the trade in dog food, curious football fans will now have the chance to bite the bullet and sample the delights of South Korean cuisine.

Bye Bye Byers as UK gets first black cabinet minister Mark Cobley reports THE GOVERNMENT’S beleaguered transport minister, Stephen Byers, dramatically announced his resignation last week after mounting criticism of his actions, his statements and his policies.

Speaking at a Downing Street press conference, Mr. Byers said he was “becoming a liability to the government” and therefore had decided to step down. He admitted that he had “made mistakes” but denied that he was a liar.

Controversy has dogged Mr. Byers since an email written by his personal advisor, Jo Moore, suggested that September 11 was “a good day to bury bad news.” She was subsequently sacked after another scandal, which then expanded to drag in another advisor, Martin Sixsmith, and Mr. Byers’ head civil servant, Sir Richard Mottram.

As the scandals unfolded Mr. Byers’ reputation was further tarnished and there were accusations that he lied to Parliament over the affair.

The final straw came when the government’s transport

plan was savaged by a backbench committee dominated by Labour MPs. Mr. Byers’ replacement is to be Alastair Darling, a Scottish MP known in the government as a ‘safe pair of hands’. The huge department of Transport, Local Government and the Regions, created by Blair in 1997, has been split up, with Deputy PM John Prescott taking charge of the local government remit.

Tony Blair has also used Mr. Byers’ resignation as an opportunity to reshuffle his Cabinet, appointing amongst others Paul Boateng as Chief

Secretary to the Treasury under Gordon Brown. He becomes Britain’s first-ever black cabinet minister.

Other winners included David Miliband and Andrew Smith, both given junior ministerial posts.

Quoting Martin Luther King, Mr. Boateng told Sky News, “My colour is part of me but I do not choose to be defined by my colour. I work for a world in which people are not judged by their colour but by the content of their character. I want to be judged by my work in this position”.

Ex-Minister Stephen Byers

New face: Paul Boateng

Meal Deal McCoys Crisps Bottle of Coke Fanta or Lilt Sutherland Sandwiches triple pack

All £2.50

Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk

DOG’S UP: the delicious-looking Korean cuisine

www.cardiffstudents.com

Liz rules OK!

News 5

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 3rd June 2002

As HRH Queen Elizabeth hits her 50th year as our leader, Jonathan Steven and Neil Blain bring you a television guide to the celebrations and a cut-out mask so that you can pretend to be HRH and make your friends think that there is a royal visit to your humble abode

TV GUIDE

If you’re not partying the bank holiday away at a street party then you may want to watch all the Jubilee coverage across the networks. Don’t forget to stand when you hear the National Anthem.

The Weekend Party Starts Here Sat 1st June, 7pm, BBC1 David Dimbleby previews the events of the following week.

Prom at the Palace Sat 1st June, 8.10pm, BBC1 First of two live concerts at Buckingham Palace.

Will probably ly suit a more classical taste. Kiri Te Kanawa heads the bill.

The Queen’s Story Sun 2nd June, 6.30pm, ITV First of a four part documentary series analysing the monarch’s life. Narrated by Art Malik and continued on Monday at 6.30 and Tuesday and Wednesday at 7.

Alistair McGowan’s Big Jubilee Sun 2nd June, 8.30pm, BBC1 Everyone’s favourite impressionist provides an alternative view of the Jubilee, which is sure to provide some light relief for those that aren’t too excited about the rest of the weekends celebrations.

Includes Louis Theroux’s interview of the Queen.

Tune Team Jubilee Special Mon 3rd June, 4.30pm, BBC1 Live from Cardiff Castle, so why not go put your ear to the wall and listen in. Get down there and suck up some culture – you may be tested on it if certain letter writers get their way.

Eastenders Mon 3rd June, 7pm, BBC1 Today’s episode features Peggy’s much hyped Jubilee party in the Vic. If Alistair McGowan’s predictions are anything to go by, a party in the Vic spells trouble for a certain member of the square.

Maybe child acting prodigy Stephen (see his one single face expression for every circumstance, inherited from his wise mentor Dr. Truman) will finally crack down on London’s entire prostitute ring.

Party at the Palace Mon 3rd June, 7.30pm, BBC1 12,000 spectators will watch the likes of Paul McCartney, Shirley Bassey, Ozzy Osbourne, Blue, Atomic Kitten, and most importantly Queen, Elton John and Will Young (to stick with the general theme of the weekend). The party will be hosted by Ben Elton and Lenny Henry so it should be a laugh, and afterwards the Queen will light the Jubilee Beacon.

The Queen’s Jubilee Tues 4th June, 12.15pm, ITV The State Procession, which features 20,000 musicians, singers and soldiers, having left St. Paul’s makes its way to the Guildhall where the Queen and Tony Blair will address a luncheon hosted by the Lord Mayor of London.

Programme until Thursday 6th June.

Please ring the information line for this weekend’s listings.

UGC Cinema Cardiff are proud to support Welsh films and will be showing a selection of short films by local film makers before some performances

Spider-Man (12)

Contains some scenes of strong fantasy violence

Book your tickets now

Advanced screenings 7th, 8th, 9th and 13th June 2002 Be the First to see SPIDER-MAN Fri 6th June @ 12.00 midnight Sat 8th 9.30, 10.30, 11.00, 11.40, 12.15, 1.00, 1.40, 2.20, 3.00, 3.40, 4.30, 5.00, 5.45, 6.15, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00, 10.15, 10.45, 11.15, 11.45 Sun 9th 10.30, 11.00, 11.40, 12.15, 1.00, 1.40, 2.20, 3.00, 3.40, 4.30, 5.00, 5.45, 6.15, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00 Thur 13th 11.40, 12.15, 1.00, 1.40, 2.20, 3.00, 3.40, 4.30, 5.00, 5.45, 6.15 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00

Opens 14th June 2002

Fri, Sat 10.00, 10.45, 11.30, 12.00, 1.00, 1.45, 2.30, 3.00, 4.00, 4.45, 5.30, 6.00, 7.00, 7.45, 8.30, 9.00 Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu 10.45, 11.30, 12.00, 1.00, 1.45, 2.30, 3.00, 4.00, 4.45, 5.30, 6.00, 7.00, 7.45, 8.30, 9.00 Late Shows - Fri, Sat only 10.00, 10.30, 11.15, 11.45

Unfaithful (15)

40 Days & 40 Nights (15)

Advance Screening - Thursday Only 11.20, 2.00, 5.15, 8.20

Daily from Fri 11.45, 2.00, 4.15, 6.30, 8.50 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.20

Star Wars Episode II Attack Of The Clones (PG)

Daily from Fri 11.10, 1.35, 4.00, 6.20, 8.45 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.05

Fri, Sat, Sun 11.00, 12.00, 1.00, 2.00, 3.15, 4.15, 5.15, 6.30, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30 Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu 11.00, 1.00, 1.30, 2.00, 4.15, 4.45, 5.15, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30 Late Shows - Fri, Sat only 9.45, 10.45, 11.45

The Time Machine (PG) Thunderpants (PG)

Daily from Fri 11.20, 1.40, 4.00, 6.15

Not Another Teen Movie (15)

Daily from Fri 11.15, 1.30, 4.10, 6.30, 8.50

Snow Dogs (U)

Daily from Fri 11.45, 2.15, 4.30, 6.45, 9.00 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.20

No Mans Land (15)

Daily From Fri 11.50, 2.30, 5.30, 8.15

Dog Soldiers (15)

Hart’s War (15) Daily From Fri 11.30, 2.20, 5.20, 8.20 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.15

Daily from Fri 11.45, 2.45, 4.45, 6.45, 8.45

Daily except Thursday 6.10, 8.50 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.30

Panic Room (15)

Daily from Fri 3.10, 5.50, 8.40 Daily except Thu 11.55 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.10

UGC Kids

Read My Lips (15)

The Majestic (PG) Daily except Thu 8.30

Bend It Like Beckham (12) Daily from Fri 5.30, 8.10

About A Boy (12)

Daily from Fri 11.00, 1.20, 3.50, 6.20, 8.50 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.20

Ice Age (U)

Saturday Morning Only £1.50 per ticket

Daily From Fri 11.30, 1.30, 3.30

E.T. (U)

Daily Except Thur 11.00, 2.30

Start 10.00 Ends 12.00

Lord Of The Rings (PG) Senior Citizens Club Thursday Morning Only £1.70 per ticket

Message in a Bottle Start 11.00 Ends 1.10

blagging

Competitions ● 08

gairrhydd, Monday 3 June 2002

THIS WEEK: BRUSHING MEDIA DANDRUFF FROM THE SHOULDERS OF CORPORATE GIANTS

Bar Wars: Attack of the Proles C

rikey, Blagging is definitely becoming a bit conventional. Seems to me that we’re getting away from our edgy alternative roots here and slipping inexorably into the dread abyss of Light Entertainment. As I look at next week’s prizes- more alcopops and a copy of the Jim Davidson biography – my heart trembles with an unknown fear. Have I forsaken the teachings of TV Go Home?

Judge for yourself. This week Warner Vision have infiltrated Blag Towers with a cargo of videos of C4’s elimination show, Bar Wars – Exposed.

This is a reality TV show set around two beach bars in Kavos. Each bar is staffed by a single-sex team of aggressive loudmouths selected on the basis of how irritating they will be to

the viewing public and each other. When the stress of living on a tropical beach and sleeping with random pissed sixteen year old jailbait scum every single night in an orgy of lager-fuelled self abusive hedonism gets too much for the cast, the cameras are there to capture it.

Rife with ‘dirty tricks, sabotage, back-stabbing, bitching and sexual infidelity’, Bar Wars – Exposed sounds like most people’s experience of living in halls. I can testify that this kind of harrowing bitchfest is far more palatable when set in an exotic location with bikinis. At least, that’s my recollection from watching bits of the series over a cheese toastie after an evening spent discussing Dostoyevsky down the gentlemen’s club. Ah me, our lives are truly like dust in the wind. As

Bill and Ted would say.

Come, come my friends and win this bounty for I, Papa Blag, have decreed it so. If a shaved monkey in a sarong can win a pile of cash and some short-lived fame for posing behind a bar and getting off with whomever the director demands, why don’t you take the risk and enter to win a copy of this video? It’s not like I’m asking for much! All you have to do is answer the question! Go on! Do something good before you die!

Win a Bar Wars video What channel is Bar Wars associated with?

A: B: C:

BBC1 HTV Channel 4

Answers me-way.

The Winners Circle Check the lists below and if your name appears, you’ve won a prize! Hurray!

Durex ‘get-it-on’ kit The kit has been won by...

BAR WARS: Ooh, I’m scared.

Rhian Chapman who will be having a lot of sex over the next few weeks. Come up to the GR office on the fourth floor and collect your prize.

gairrhydd Drop your answers in to the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or you can send them to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Alternatively, e-mail your answers and contact details to: gair_rhydd@ hotmail.com Win this stuff or I’ll give it to the poor.

The food of blag T hat’s right, it’s music time. We have a load of signed CDs to give away this week: signed promos of the new albums from DJ Shadow and Frou Frou. The DJ Shadow CD features five selections from his album The Private Press, released in June. Frou Frou’s features five tracks from forthcoming album Details, including single Breathe In. We have five of each sampler to give away, each copy signed by the artist. To win one of each, answer the below question. The first correct entry will also win a copy of the Ministry of Sound’s The Album, no argument. What more do you want?

Blood? Do you want my blood? Fine, each winner will also get a carrier bag filled with my precious precious blood to do with what they will.

Meal Deal McCoys Crisps Bottle of Coke Fanta or Lilt Sutherland Sandwiches triple pack

All £2.50

Win signed CDs from DJ Shadow and Frou Frou What organ is best suited to listening to music?

A: B: C:

Arm Foot Ear

Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk

www.cardiffstudents.com

8 ● Classifieds

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

●

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

●

25 pence per bold word

●

30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

gairrhydd, Monday 3 June 2002

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS

PERSONAL

SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons 2-5pm.

Contact Cerith Spooner on SpoonerC1@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Wednesday afternoons.

Contact Minelle Gholami on GholamiM1@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Monday 2-4pm. Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Monday and Wednesday afternoons. Contact Sally Cameron Griffiths on Cameron-Griffiths @Cardiff.ac.uk.

LGB OFFICER: Wednesday afternoons 2-5pm, Wednesday afternoons. Contact James Knight on KnightJ2@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Prab Ramkumar on RamkumarP1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER:Wednesdays 10am-1pm in the TV lounge on the 3rd Floor. Contact Gareth Hiscocks on HiscocksG@Cardiff.ac.uk.

XPRESS STATION MANAGER: Contact Emma Gait-Carr on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Every night between 8pm and 8am nightline is just a local telephone call or a short walk away.

Here to listen.

Here for you.

Tel: 2038 2141 Drop-in: 148 Column Rd. Want to talk about sexuality? Or do you want information about lesbian, gay or bisexual issues? No hassle, no pressure, just a friendly ear. Ring the LGB PHONELINE on 029 2039 8903, Monday, 7.00pm-9.00pm BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT GROUP Open to anyone who has suffered a loss.

First meeting on 3pm Wednesday 8th May 2002 facilitated by Barbara Fairfax.

Contact the Dean of Students office on 029 20 874966.

ACCOMMODATION HOUSEMATES WANTED Looking for two people to share a house on Arabella Street with two current first year girls. Please contact us soon on 07812 142584 or 07813 084230.

For Sale Playstation one with seven games, four controllers and multitap. Only £65. Contact Pete on 07711 183507.

Fridge includes freezer and compartments, crisper and temperature control. As new, excellent condition. 5 months old, selling

as moving house. Height 83cm. Width 52cm. Depth 55cm. £80. Contact 07876 128556.

MISCELLANEOUS Lady’s bike, hardly used, good condition but needs new front tyre. £45 including lock and lights. Call 029 20 317948 or email gingellcj@cf.ac.uk.

Mature female student in Cardiff would like to contact other mature female students for friendship. Please jone 07866 906921.

QUALITY WASHING PRODUCTS AT GREAT PRICES! Do you use washing powder tablets or liquid? Are you paying too much for them? If so then maybe we can save you money! £10 for 10kg (over 125 washes) of powder non-biological or biological. £25 for 360 tablets/ £14 for 180 tablets or 50p for a tube of six tablets. £10 for five litres of concentrated liquid (only 80 ml needed per wash).

Also available if you have a dishwasher: £14 for 144 tablets.

Contact 01633 601945/ 07812 646333 or baileypeter83@hotmail.com for details.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with ‘an hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

gairrhydd, Monday 3rd June 2002

Letter of the Week The author of this week’s Letter of the Week wins two tickets to the World Cup Final. Honest.

Dear Gair Rhydd, I just want to write a short response to the ignorant letter from Kerry the Astrophysicist. I am wondering if, in her extensive education, she has come across the concept of culture being fragmentary. She seems to be convinced that culture is something that can be arbitrarily examined; I am interested how she would grade the responses to these examinations. As she considers culture to be a unitary notion that can be precisely defined, does she also believe that she can give an exact definition of what a Welsh person should be like? Is Kerry aware of the fact that this kind of uneducated nationalistic rhetoric is associated with racial discrimination? In fact, on the subject of cultural awareness, I think it would be nice if Kerry learnt something about England.

I would like to point out that in the English language it is not customary to start a sentence with the word “and”, this due to the fact that it is appallingly bad grammar. In addition to this, Kerry thinks that people are going to leave Cardiff University to get jobs in the South-West of England. I was wondering if Kerry could point out to me where the jobs in Cornwall can be found. I myself stupidly thought that the South-West contains some of the most economically deprived areas in Britain. As Kerry believes in a normative national identity, however, she probably got confused, and thought all of England is exactly the same. Funny, I thought going to university was supposed to make you more open-minded.

Yours sincerely, Nick Wilshin 3rd Year English Literature

M o re N U S Nastiness Dear Gair Rhydd, Having read your article in the latest issue of Gair Rhydd, I feel compelled to respond to a number of points you make with regard to the National Union.

If we are planning, as you so confidently state, losing £1.5 million over the next three years, I for one as National Treasurer would like to know about it, for it is news to me.

We are facing difficulties within the organisation, which are

being very determinedly resolved by serious and considered discussion and action. For instance, the new position of Endsleigh Insurance will hopefully result in a massive increase in our commercial income over the next five years – something which the membership has been demanding for some time.

It is because we recognise the difficulties Students’ Unions are facing that we have taken the decision to actively look for other sources of revenue in this way.

NUS must try to rely less on the affiliation fees, and more on non-

traditional income streams – and we are moving very considerably towards this.

Secondly, I was terribly perturbed by your other ‘news’ that Edinburgh, UMIST and Imperial are considering disaffiliating from NUS. Edinburgh has never been a member, UMIST left under a cloud three years ago, and Imperial haven’t been a member for 20 years. That you report that they are ‘discussing similar actions’ to Southampton betrays that you have made no effort to research the story.

But then, you clearly had no intention of allowing the facts to disturb your otherwise excellently-written prose.

Despite feeling wholly capable of proclaiming on NUS’ finances, your reporters never once contacted me, as National Treasurer, to find out our side of the story. You gave the impression that Owain James had responded to your story, whereas I think you will find that the National President would not have uttered any of the words you claimed he did in the context of your article.

I fail to understand why officers in Student Unions’ so often fail to grasp the importance of collectivism which an organisation like NUS represents.

Is the campaign for the abolition of tuition fees and the restoration of the grant not important to Cardiff students? Do the avid ‘disaffiliators’ want NUS weakened while the important review into student funding is underway?

NUS, despite its flaws (which any organisation will experience) is there to do a job, and it is not helped either by bitter and twisted officers who fancy a bit of the limelight, or lazy and crass journalism.

Yours sincerely Geraint Hopkins NUS National Treasurer Lettersdesk says: Is it me, or is everyone a tad pissed off at us this week? Read on, if I could be

so bold, for more bitter anti-GR invective.

E rr o r s , E rr o r s E v e ry w h e re Dear Gair Rhydd, Errata for the issue dated 20th May: the article about the dangers of aspartame was accompanied by a selection of snack foods that do not contain artificial sweeteners.

Harrsion Ford’s character in the Star Wars films was Han Solo, not Hans.

The allegedly perma-tanned, orange-skinned presenter of holiday programmes is Judith Chalmers, not Gloria Hunniford.

To save yourselves the tedium of printing letters each week pointing out the numerous mistakes of the previous issue, you might consider following the Guardian’s lead by appointing a reader’s editor whose job would be to produce a colmun of corrections and clarifications. I’ll do it if you like. Alternatively you could edit the thing properly in the first place, but no doubt you have a very busy week as things are. Besides, it’s funnier if these mistakes aren’t spotted before they before they go to press.

Sincerely, David Knight Lettersdesk says: You said it, any errors which occur in this paper are entirely intentional and are purely for the entertainment of our beloved readers. And why would we want to model ourselves on the Guardian? It’s not as though our front page layout is even remotely similar. . .

Clique Smique Dear Gair Rhydd, I have recently had the misfortune to read this week’s focus (GR, 723) It was a brilliant a great cure for insomnia with its innane (sic) boring gossipy

Letters ● 7 conservative predictable style. I submitted an article to be published in it last week and I must offer my apologies since it is obvious you object to a writer in your newspaper. Do you only accept articles from those confirming to the crappy stereotype of your tiresome boring racist clique?

Michael O’ Connor Lettersdesk says: Clearly, Michael, your “talent and intelligence” do not extend far enough to allow you to write an error free letter. The first rule of good writing: why use one adjective when you can use four?

And, just to prove that we don’t offend every single one of our readers. . .

A Satisfied Reader Dear Gair Rhydd,

Just wanted to thank Pete Samuels for a thought provoking and surprising article the other week on the conflict in Gujarat. It caused much debate in our house (a house of one Muslim, one Sikh and two Hindus. . . just imagine!) which can only be a good thing.

As first and second generation British Asians our opinions are clouded by fifty years of our parents politics, fears and religious prejudice. This subject matter, like most to do with our respective home nations, is one rarely addressed between us, since the jolly atmosphere that is University seems an inappropriate place to discuss such emotive and deep-rooted issues for fear of disharmony that may be caused in this already fragile community.

It was nice to hear an unbiased perspective (minus all the spin that the politicians and every broadcaster seem unable to avoid.)

So once again, thankyou, and keep up the good work.

Yours, S. Shah

Please send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Crossword

Hello again word fans, get your thinking tackle around this little baby, I think you’re gonna like it. Yeah, whatever.

ACROSS: 7. Glib, practiced speech of a salesperson (6) 8. Sexy (6) 9. Little mythical creature (3) 10. Caress (6) 11. Fish-eating bird of prey (6) 12. Keep on at (3) 14. Metal pin with a thread (5) 17. Field of conflict (5) 19. Be expecting (5) 20. Windscreen’s cleaner (5) 23. Flare up (5) 26. Pig’s enclosure (3) 28. Building for horses (6) 29. By word of mouth (6) 30. Chinese frying pan (3) 31. Systematic plan of action (6) 32. Entwine (6)

DOWN: 1. Almost land-locked North European sea (6) 2. Comic’s assistant (6) 3. Clean or prepare oneself with great care (5) 4. Envelop in mist (5) 5. Child’s playsuit (6) 6. Bird which may race or carry (6) 13. Modify (5) 15. Knock sharply (3) 16. Armed strife (3) 17. Consumed (3) 18. Proposed common currency, pre-Euro (3) 21. Unbroken and complete (6) 22. Symbolic motif (6) 24. In truth (6) 25. Insurance document (6) 26. Used a needle and thread (5) 27. Country bumpkin (5) Get your answers up to the gair rhydd office before Wednesday and the winner will be announced in the next issue. 723’s winner was Erin Kozaczuk.

723’s solution: ACROSS: 1.Coalmine; 5.Depp; 9.Reminisce; 10.Cue; 11.Mist; 13.Languid; 16.Omen; 18.Encore; 19.Option; 21.Sane; 23.Dispose; 25.Reed; 27.Eva; 28.Spineless; 30.Sate; 31.Plotters. DOWN: 1.Card; 2. Aim; 3.Monitor; 4.Nestle; 6.Exclusive; 7.Pleading; 8.Neon; 12.Incessant; 14.Anon; 15.Needless; 17.Mess; 20.Perfect; 22. Aerial; 24.Oast; 26.Asks; 29.Eve.

Name:_______________________ Email:________________________ This week, I shall be mostly. . . __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

This week’s winner wins a meal for two at Chillies Restaurant and Takeaway

FREE

SMIRNOFF ICE Catch the Match Radio* WITH A ROUND OF 4 BOTTLES

*As Clear As Your Conscience Offer only available in the Solus & Tafarn Bar While stocks last

A day to remember ...

Cardiff Graduate Recruitment Fair

An event for YOU to meet graduate recruiters from across Wales and the UK. YOUR chance to talk to top recruiters, who are looking for the best candidates to fill their vacancies. An opportunity for YOU to gain valuable information and make contact with over 40 organisations.

Thursday 13 June 2002,11.00 am to 4.00 pm, Great Hall, Students’ Union The Graduate Recruitment Fair is FREE to graduates of any discipline and from any University.

Pre-Fair Workshops Applying on Spec (1hr) Wednesday 12 June 11.00 am

CVs (1hr) Wednesday 5 June 2.00 pm Tuesday 11 June 2.00 pm

Application Forms (1hr) Thursday 6 June 2.00 pm Monday 10 June 11.00 am Wednesday 12 June 2.00 pm

Interviews (1hr) Thursday 6 June 11.00 am Monday 10 June 2.00 pm

Aptitude Tests (2hrs) Friday 7 June 10.00 am Tuesday 11 June 10.00 am

Gap Year (1hr) Wednesday 5 June 11.00 am

To find out more/book your place on these workshops, check who will be exhibiting, read our top tips for the day or to find out how to get to the fair, log onto www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas or call into 5 Corbett Road, Cardiff.

The Careers Service Working for you ...

NATIONAL PROGRAMME OF

SUMMER FAIRS

Ag CA S

FILM Samantha Mumba’s acting debut

ARTS A Woman Of No Importance

GAMES get violent with Hooligans

Teenage A-ngst Nu-metal sensations A bring their caffeine-fuelled rock to Solus Manchild • Monsters Ball • Tekken Advance The Libertines • Plenty • The Von Bondies Inside: Get There! The ultimate guide to Cardiff and beyond!

Contents

02. Get There

Newly interactive and more pointless than ever: it can only be Get There!

04. Books

Books guru D.C provides some insightful comments about some up-andcoming literary releases.

05. Games

Games tell us why Virtua Soccer is Pro Evo’s poor cousin, and review kids favourite Klona.

06. Film

Film finally get to see the oscar winning Monsters Ball, and to celebrate offer you an actor profile of the beautiful Halle Berry.

08. Arts

Arts review Oscar Wilde’s A Woman of No Importance at the New Theatre, and get to grips with post war emotions with Plenty.

09. Music

Music catch A as they turn Solus into a steaming moshpit, and try to get excited about the Von Bondies.

13. TV Guide Far funnier than it has any right to be- it’s the Gair Rhydd TV guide!

GRiP Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Mike Parsons Arts Lizzie Brown, LaDonna Hall and Mat Croft Books D.C. Gates Film Neil Blain Games Chris Faires Music Gemma Curtis, Gemma Jones and Andy Parsons Get There Neil Krajewski TV Listings Nick McDonald and Steve Hurst GRiP needs your help! We are overworked and losing our minds.

Visit our media penthouse on the 4th floor of the Union or • E-mail ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk • Hear us speak 029 2078 1434/6

02

Get There

et There enters the final straight. Anyone hoping for a final burst of energy should wait a few weeks though as, once again, G Get There remains the only page that looks the same every week but is in fact different! This week, we review absolutely nothing and interview no-one. It’s all about dates in out little world and we’re all the better for it. Remember, gang: Get Hip - Get There!

Exams appear, deadlines pass, but you all still love Cardiff enough to make looking at this page worthwhile! Good luck over the next few weeks and remember Cardiff will still be there waiting for you once it’s all over

Union Monday 03/06

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

Everyone needs to escape every so often. Why not support your Union as you emancipate yourself from your desk. Watch out for those cheap drinks though.

Tuesday 04/06

Candy @ Solus Postponed for this term, but set to return in September.

Wednesday 05/06 Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

Thousands drink to forget.

Thursday 06/06 Well, there’s always the Taf.

Friday 07/06

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

Now the weather has warmed up perhaps this night is set to compete with student barbecues, but I doubt it. Eminem album launch night too.

Saturday 08/06

Flirt @ Solus 9pm-1am, free In a gesture to reward your loyalty, the Union offers you the chance to spend another craazy night in the presence of a host of ‘dance anthems’.

Sunday 09/06

Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, £1 Laid back sounds, wine and food. Decide on their order of importance for yourselves.

Clubbing Monday 03/06

Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’Bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings.

Happy Mondays @ Barfly Sounds like a cash-in off the back of 24 Hour Party people to me, but you could always go and find out.

Salsa Lessons @ Bar Med Probably an inferior version of that hosted by Bar Cuba, but probably worth a look.

Guru Vibrations @ Berlins 9pm-2am. Soul, funk, hip-hop and, er, 80’s. NUS only. Why bother?

One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

Roger Sanchez @ Emporium 9pm, £16 L’America club night special featuring the man they, and, hopefully, ‘they’ alone, refer to as the ‘S’ man. Even the chance to escape the Jubilee doesn’t warrant spending this much money though.

MAD @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. Rated Cardiff’s best by Zeus, you only need stand outside and look what’s next door to find out why.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight.

Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Retro Night @ The Roxy Free entry. Retro music played in a club, one presumes. Oh, the joys of blatant sarcasm!

Tuesday 04/06

Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in! Tonight featuring DJ Mass.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Hoochy Koochy @ The Emporium 9pm-2am, £1 b4 10pm/£2. Student madness, courtesy of the amusingly named Jockstrap 5.

Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Bonk @ Zeus 9pm, £3 Teens, tunes and terror. Oh the joys of subtlety.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thunk it?!?

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm, I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Karaoke @ Reds If you must, I’ll not hold you back, but don’t expect me to join you unless you’re offering a duet. Shall I be your George, your Kiki or your Elton?

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe.

Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

Bar 150 @ Bar Med Everything £1.50 all night. Beware that this fact alone might not justify the name magnificent.

Wednesday 05/06

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffeur, but highly unlikely.

Twisted by Design @ Model Inn £2 Official pre-Welsh club night, get stamped at Clwb and then come back here to enjoy a few hours of indie from the 60s to the present day.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings.

Shooters and Slammers Party Night @ Bar Med Theme night, where you get to shoot the retarded fuck-wits that drink here with a large gun, then slam their heads repeatedly into the bar. Maybe.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out.

Down to It @ Berlins 9pm-2am. I’d rather not, thanks. Ever.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle.

Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott!

Is it Chilled? @ Is it? Cafe. Bar. Place.

If your week has brought you down to the depths, perhaps you’ll end up here to sink down still further.

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

Wipeout @ Reds Meet UWIC students at their own night and steal secrets that could potentially accelerate the demise of the University of Wales.

Handbag 120 @ Zeus 9pm-2am. Utterly evil with garage and r’n’b.

Thursday 06/06

Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late night bar and drinks offers.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

Big In Japan @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. The coolest Japanese thing this side of Banzai. Cracking tunes, cool clientelle and a permanent in Clwb Ifor. Corking night all round.

Plush @ Emporium £3 /£2. Anything with a groove, says the press release, and they’re not far wrong. Sexy, sassy and really too good for a Thursday, Plush truly is a top night for those who like their R ‘n’ B, garage and house slinky and sexy. Of course, if you’re a big Sisters of Mercy fan, you should give it a miss.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Soul Power @ Liquid 9pm-2am. Soul and R & B, with Trevor Nelson every other week. A more extensive, and far less effective, version of Plush.

Higher Learning @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hip-hopping and funky nature. Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Cabaret @ Minsky’s Show Bar Cabaret is the order of the day, usually courtesy of camp men dressed as women. Great fun, actually.

You probably won’t be surprised to learn that Noel ‘All Man’ Sullivan of Hear’Say used to work here.

Nudge nudge, wink wink etc..

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry.

Aspire @ Reds 9pm-2am. Great.

Alternative Student Night @ The Roxy 10pm-2am. Another night clinging on to the word ‘alternative’, as if it makes any piss poor cobbled together event worth a look. It doesn’t. As The Strokes sort of said, This Is Shit.

Friday 07/06

Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8 Moved to Saturday, see adjacent page.

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Forward Motion @ Moloko Cardiff’s underground comes together for those who can’t afford Emporium or Clwb.

Chaos @ Metros 9pm -3am, £4 DJ Hwyel offers a selection of tunes in an alternative vein.

Drinks 4 FREE @ Liquid 9.30pm, £5 entry with 4 free drinks as a bonus if you arrive before 11pm. You’ll have to be over 20 though; who knows what that drink might do to you otherwise.

US Garage @ The End...

8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin. Great.

Want your club night or event to be listed in the legendary Get There section? Then email us at SSUGR1@Cardiff.ac.uk including the date, time, price of your event, including any drinks promotions and we’ll include you on the page.

03

Get There

Severn Man Scruffle Mr Scruff + friends @ Clwb Ifor Bach, Saturday 8th June, 10pm, £8 The Keep it Unreal tour makes its way in Cardiff prompting twice the capacity of Clwb to rejoice. Scruff and his touring partners promise hours of decks and DJ warfare complete with an array of eclectic tunes to delight all those sensible enough to attend. Anyone who saw his three hour show at last month’s Essential Festival will have recognised the extent of this man’s ability to assemble and hold a crowd. Regularly involved with the Ninja Tune stable, he’s come a long way from his days as a Sheffield fine arts Student.

Once you’ve successfully clambered up the Clwb staircase, you’ll be reluctant to blink. When the evening ends and the lights go up, he’ll be everyone’s new best friend.

Heaven @ Evolution 9pm-2.30am. £10. Brash and brassy hard house night, with a liberal sprinkling of? Its not a sodding wrestling match, people, its a frigging disco!

Exit Club 8pm, free entry before 9.30pm. Gay Venue.

Commercial chart and dance. Again! PLAY SOME DIFFERENT SODDING MUSIC! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Get Down and Groove @ Flares Til 2am. Funky disco says the press release. A bit crap says Get There. You decide.

Mellow Mellow @ Metropolis Not the same as Metros; no this, is Metropolis where tonight Andy Loveless continues to move his mobile entertainment installation around the city. Is his name

related to the My Bloody Valentine classic? Meet him and find out.

Flirt @ Club X 10pm - 4am, £9 Featuring Madam Friction and the Barin Bashers ROAR @ Vision 2K A confirmed appearance is rarer in the world of house and trance. Like the Gair Rhydd team, you always finds there’s so many demands and so little time.

Listening to all those new 12”s can be so tedious.

However, if they find the time, expect JFK, Charlotte Birch and Lisa Lashes.

BK vs Nick Sentience@ Elements (formerly, Reds) 9pm Celebrity deckmatch brought you by the people from Bionic who on this occasion, bizarrely, abandon their

We all want a well paid job, close to Central Cardiff which can accommodate a student’s lifestyle........

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London too.

Amnesty International Benefit @ Newport TJs Featuring the recommended post-rockers Teriyaki alongside a host of others.

Wednesday 05/06

Skindred + Vacant Stare @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6adv After wowing the crowds at Ozzfest, these rising numetallers present themselves to the Barfly faithful.

Soil + Sugarcoma @ Newport TJs 7.30pm, £8.50adv

Thursday 06/06

Wilt + Redefine + Bluerose 7.30pm, £6adv The momentarily exciting Wilt attempt to re-create the summer festival atmosphere in a darkened room in South Wales. They could have become the new Feeder or the new Ash. Sadly they have remained the band formerly known as Kerbdog.

Maharishi + Gogz + Alcatraz @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm - 1am, £5 The Illegal Eagles @ St Davids Hall 7.30pm, £11-15 You really shouldn’t resist, should you?

Friday 07/06

regular home at Emporium.

Heavy Metal @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Unsurprisingly, heavy metal. Actually very good at what it does, though.

Saturday 08/06

Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Jon the Dentist + Shane Morris @ Elements (Formerly Reds) If these people really were the Superstars they pretend to be, would they really play in Reds?

Deliciously Wicked @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Repulsively awful would be a more accurate description.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

The Big Party @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. The party sounds like a great idea.

Sadly,it’s in Dylan’s.

Funky Techno @ The End...

8pm-11pm, with One Mission DJ’s. At last! A night a decent night at The End The ever reliable One Mission crew do what they do best – make people smile and dance!

Skool Disco Party @ Philharmonic 9.30pm -2am The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Weekend MadCelebeness @ Bar Cuba 10pm-2am. £2/£4. DJ Andy Loveless.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Glam Night @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Expect an orgy of all things glam.

Apart from Gary Glitter, of course. And Jonathan King.

Or that bloke from Slade...

Desire @ Zeus 9pm-3am. A night so unimaginably bad, I refuse to waste a witty comment on it.

Deep Heat @ Club X Dance and Funky house

Sunday 09/06

Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs.

Live Music The assumption that the Bank Holiday festivities actually have a degree of significance seems to have wiped out early week Barfly action. Nevertheless, as the week develops, the city’s archetypal blend of mediocrity and merit takes shape once more.

Monday 03/06

Oblivion + April 28 + Overmotion @ Sams Bar 8pm, £3

Tuesday 04/06

Talkshow + Kald + support @ Sams Bar It’s ‘the Talkshow’ once again! They’re about to hit

Wilmer + Star Shaped Creatures + Working Title @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 The headliners they’re Radiohead and almost have reason for doing so. The support are an admired group of students whilst the openers make their Get There debut. Could be worth a look.

Damien Rice + guests @ Chapter Arts Centre 7.30pm, £7 Excellent singer-songwriter from Dublin catches that ferry again to play a Fleadh warm-up show.

Overpriced, but perhaps worthwhile if you’ve not seen him already.

Saturday 08/06

The Scooters + Heroine + Gabrielle 25 @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Promoting their excellent second album, the Scooters return to the the city. Not to be confused with the 11 million selling Scooter though.

Mr Scruff @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 See above left.

Sunday 09/06

Acoustic Jam @ The Toucan Club 8pm, FREE. A chance for all budding songsters to get up andshow off their wares, which is usually a good thing.

Lucky Been Tree + Mabatad @ Sams Bar 7.30pm Fugazi + amazing guests (probably) @ Bristol Academy 7.30pm, £7.50 They’re finally here. A universal source of excitement as term ends as seminal Noise act from Washington DC arrive for their first UK live dates in three years.

Incredible. Commit yourself now.

Arts Urd National Eisteddfod, June 3rd - 7th Massive arts festival being held in Bute Park over the week featuring youth performances, art, drama, theatre and plenty of exposure for Welsh culture.

Coming Up Everyone needs to leave the house or the library at the some point. Therefore, if there’s nothing that catches your discerning eyes this week then take a glance at these forthcoming events.

Kid 606 @ Clwb Ifor Bach Monday 10th June, £10, 9pm - 2am Amazing noise pioneer in rumoured Cardiff appearance shock! The most exciting Clwb event in ages.

Sponge Records night @ Seren Las Wednesday 12th June, £3 Featuring Kosmik Boy and Easy Groove.

Summer Ball @ Cardiff International Arena Friday 14th June Obviously long since sold out, but if you want to clear a student’s debt and have a few pounds to spare place your wanted posters around Talybont now. Featuring Wheatus, Whigfield and Manchild.

Spiritualized @ Great Hall Thursday 27th June, £12 From Opera houses to University social centres, Spiritualized are certainly coming down. Nevertheless, I don’t doubt that they’ll be fantastic at this Glastonbury warm-up with huge solos and epic sounds securely in tow.

booksreviews

Cult Classic THE CLAY MACHINE GUN Victor Pelevin (Vertigo)

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OOD WRITING is often a product of interesting social context and as a result Russia, with its complex political history and continuing tendencies towards cultural censorship, regularly gives birth to fiction which pushes the boundaries of contemporary writing.

Undoubtedly the most exciting writer on the Russian scene at the moment is Victor Pelevin. The creator of surreal landscapes that combine the seedy Moscow underworld of narcotics and crime with psychedelic trips into

COVER: says it all, really

the abstract visions of its characters’ distorted minds, Pelevin’s socially and politically indeterminate landscapes are designed specifically to question Russian ideological conventions.

Thrown into the critical eye after the

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Russian assumptions. The clay machine gun itself, consisting in fact of a Buddha finger, is a powerful machine that reduces everything to mere ‘absence’, and as the novel closes, the daunting void that the text hints at throughout becomes apparent. From this space, Pelevin’s new vision emerges. Built around a fascinating patchwork of Western and Eastern philosophies, he draws on everyone

He draws on everyone from Aristotle to Buddha in an attempt to discover a new Russian identity in an open and progressive social ideology publication of his award winning work The Blue Lantern, and subsequently mythologised when his novel The Clay Machine Gun was denied the Russian Booker prize for reasons of political ‘indecency’, his controversial fiction hints at a resurgence in Russian literary culture.

The Clay Machine Gun, criticised publicly as a weapon designed to ‘erase Russian cultural memory’, is set in a spatial and temporal void, its central character Pyotr shifting seamlessly between 1917 revolutionary Russia and a mental institution of the 1990s in a futile search for order and understanding. What occurs instead is a revelation of the similarities between the different ages, and at the same time a realisation of the invisible worlds that the rhetoric of Russian politics has created. Simultaneously passing through specific historical moments and unidentifiable mythical spaces, Pyotr’s journey undermines social context and strikes at the heart of

from Aristotle to Buddha in an attempt to discover a new Russian identity in an open and progressive social ideology.

Pelevin’s philosophical solutions are easy to criticise, and his unusual reinterpretations of Buddhist philosophy might remind the reader of the spiritual communism of Allen Ginsberg, an idealistic tendency that will not appeal to some readers.

Nevertheless his aim is something to be embraced, and The Clay Machine Gun clearly marks him out as an author to watch closely. The philosophical solutions he toys with are merely the first movements as Russian literature takes on censorship and attempts to regain a political voice as the years of cultural repression that have been endured begin to fall away.

For those with an interest in satire, and like it mixed with philosophy and a trace of dark humour, Victor Pelevin is an author well worth seeking out.

Paul Sloman

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LUXEMBURG: at the precise moment of discovering that her picture and name were being used to gratify a lazy section editor LAWKS-A-MERCY! As no-one answered last week’s questions, most probably due to the chronic condition ‘can’t be arsed’, the Books grand prize is brought forward, with awesome and terrible consequences.

Yes, this week sees the penultimate Gair Rhydd of the academic year, and to mark this momentous occasion the prize fund has swelled to a monstrous £2 (max.) kitty! This week the questions are set by Books’s personal friend and mentor, Rosa Luxemburg: “Hiya, kids! I do hope you appreciate the irony of my appearance here, complying with an essentially capitalist form of wealth distribution. Oh well. Here’s the questions. a) How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? b) Winston Smith appears as a character in which didactic novel? c) Complete the following line from a song that will live through the ages: ‘Snooker loopy nuts are we/ We’re all snooker...’ Bye, kids.”

Thanks, Rosa. Love the hair. Answers to the office as soon as possible, and please provide contact details as we’re going to have to mail you the cash. Space filled – chexellent!

gamesreviews g

05

To leap, perchance to land KLONOA: EMPIRE OF DREAMS (GBA) Namco/ Infogrames

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MPEROR JILLIUS has a problem, which means that everyone else has. He's got insomnia, after too many late night ISS2 sessions and a rowdy bunch of subjects singing “I love you baby” coming back from the inn.

Because of his insomnia, Jillius has forbidden his subjects to have the pleasure of dreaming.

Unfortunately, Klonoa and his Kirby/ Bob-bomb floating mate Huepow are always dreaming about

crazy adventures and the features editor.

Somehow Jillius and his devious minister Bagoo have found out about their 'crime' and have arrested the two of them. Brought before the Emperor, he has the audacity to ask why is it so wrong to dream.

Now, Jillius is a bit touchy on this, and he responds as if he's been asked if he slept with his sister – he wants to execute Klonoa. But Bagoo steps in with a better plan – Klonoa will be spared if he defeats four monsters that plague the empire in five worlds and their eight 'visions' (read: levels) In these levels, you must collect all the crystals and stars lying about the level. Sounds familiar?

Well, yes, like every other 2D platformer in the past fifteen years. But then, you learn about how Klonoa clears the levels. You see, he can control the wind. Not in a ten pints and a T&A's kebab morning-after type of wind, but through shooting out a 'wind bullet' to catch the nearest enemy. He can then throw them at other enemies or use it to double-jump to reach higher platforms, which is the integral feature of the game.

So, you sideways scroll through the levels to get to the bosses, defeat them, move to new levels. It's hardly revolutionary, but some levels will require you to snowboard your way through to the end, while others will pan to the right – now, you're against the clock, and the double jumps need that more refined, honed skills, especially to gain all the crystals, a quest made

much more difficult when timed.

Klonoa is a little gem of a platformer. Sure, it isn't Mario or Sonic, but it's inventiveness and pace mean that it can hold it's own with these two giants. It's a well structured, intelligent game that will keep you occupied for a decent amount of time. Empire of Dreams is worth getting into a state about. Chris Faires

Klonoa can control the wind through shooting out a 'wind bullet' to catch the nearest enemy, then jump on him

Virtua insanity Tekken down sized

TEKKEN ADVANCE (GBA) Namco

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VIRTUA STRIKER V3 2002 (GC) Sega/ Infogrames

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HERE ARE few things that someone should hate. The Government, abuse of power, money-grabbing lawyers, the rise of the far right, smug ego-crazy TV hosts. And Virtua Striker.

It just doesn't play like a football game should do, and in my time I've played, ooh, a fair few football games. Some, like European Super League, just seemed like a good idea that went bad, but Sega's Virtua Striker appeared to be intrinsically flawed.

You aren't properly in control of your players because there's no change player button and no run button, in tactical terms you feel restricted.

The argument for it is that VS is just old-skool gameplay, there was no run button in Microphose Soccer or Emlyn Hughes International Soccer. But, welcome to the twenty-first century.

It's hard to like Virtua Striker. It's doing something differently, but that 'thing' is the holy game of football, and it doesn't seem right. The players are little brighter than those on the football table in the Taf. They run away form the ball if they are tackled, leaving you to compensate. Tackling is actually really easy, passing less so – manys the time the ball will bounce off an opposing player.

Built into the game engine is a change in formation and tactics – offensive, normal and defensive. But there is less inclination to use them if the AI isn't up to much. I mean, for England there's the massive choice of playing 4-4-2 def or 4-4-2 straight. If you could select which formations to choose then VS would be improved, then the gap between Senegal's centre backs could be covered with a fifth defender, but the reason that you can't is the shallowness of the option.

Virtua Striker is like the Chinese football team in the World Cup. All the opposition is better than them, they're a big name but if you were to invest in them, you'd lose. Seemingly, the only team that has the correct names is Japan, and you'll find giants of the international stage like Hong Kong and Uzbekistan, but no Wales.

On the plus side, there's more than just an arcade conversion with many features including cups, leagues, road to international cup where you design your own team and a versus penalty kick match, possibly the highlight of the package. If you can get to grips with the controls then there's a lot in this instalment, but there's a reason why it has the nickname Virtua Unplayable. Chris Faires.

SOUNDS LIKE: Pro Evolution Soccer (PS2) Red Card Soccer (GC)

EAT 'EM ups come in many shapes and sizes, from the large surreal arenas of Power Stone to the sideways scrolling battles of Street Fighter 2. Now, one of the most popular beat 'em up franchises has got smaller, so small, it could be in the hands of a young child, or an especially dexterous monkey.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating putting martial arts based action games in the control of simians, I'd just like to encourage someone else to do it, and get the blame.

Tekken is one of my favourite master beaters, as long as who ever I'm playing against doesn’t know the power combos. I'm one of the people who plays using 'onemove-mania', the accomplishment of learning only one good move and repeating it until the opponent is bloodier than something really really bloody.

The adaptation of Tekken to the gameboy is favourable – great technical and gaming achievement. Sure, it looks a bit jagged, but that is reminiscent of the Playstation original,because most of the options remain intact. There is no space for the beach ball and the Streets of Rage style subgames, but you'll find arcade, practice, time attack,

Go on Hwoarang, kick his ass

Let battle commence

survival, versus battle, tag battle and versus tag battles, all ready and correct, so you can't complain.

It plays differently, on account of the GBA's lack of buttons, so while R is throw and L used for tag, you're limited to just two buttons. The action and combos still come thick and fast, but the reduction in buttons restricts what you can pull off. That said, there is still an impressive range of moves to be mastered, albeit painfully so. My thumbs really hurt after a session on Tekken but then it’s always going to be a game played in short bursts, but it will provide a greater challenge, especially to complete the arcade mode.

Tekken Advance is an excellent game, with many options and the same Tekken gameplay. Although the GBA isn’t the best format for fighting games, this is a solid adaptation. Chris Faires

filmreviews

06

Snow joke SNOW DOGS Starring: Cuba Gooding Jnr., James Coburn, Sisqo.

Dir.: Brian Levant.

PG, 99 mins.

Opens: 31st May

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now Dogs does feature a lot of snow and some dogs, but I was relieved to find out it’s really about something else

altogether.

When Ted Brooks (Cuba Gooding Jnr.) finds out he is adopted, he embarks on a voyage of discovery to Alaska to find out more about his biological parents, and of course learns more about himself on the way.

Based on a book by Gary Paulson, with strong performances from a cast that also includes James Coburn, Sisqo and even a cameo appearance from Michael Bolton (!), this Northern Exposure meets City Slickers comedy was surprisingly

not as unbearable as I had imagined.

Ted, a successful dentist from Miami, travels to the small town in Alaska where his biological mother has recently died.

He detests the annoying poodle that lives next door to him in Miami, so you can imagine his joy when part of the inheritance from his mother’s will is a pack of sled-racing dogs she used to compete in the annual Arctic Challenge.

In the town Ted encounters characters like Coburn’s Thunder Jack (was it for the money Jim?), so-called by the locals because he was apparently hit by thunder twice (hit by thunder?), and his unsubtle romantic interest in the form of a beautiful barmaid.

Ted discovers who his natural father is forcing him to question his origins, past and present identity. In a classic nature/ nurture debate, the film seems to conclude that it is a bit of both which creates a person’s identity.

Ted manages to form a bond with his biological father and find out the truth about his natural parents’ relationship. Ted’s ‘humourous’ interaction with his huskies

ultimately comes to reflect his relationship with his father, so maybe snow dogs are an important feature of the film after all.

The film has an interesting soundtrack that combines the music of the traditional Westerns Coburn is famous for, with an occasional Caribbean rhythm, and the romantic ballads of Michael Bolton.

If you can put up with the unoriginal slap-stick scenes such as Ted being dragged along the floor by his dogs (judging by reactions in the cinema this is best appreciated by children under ten), this film is a

sensitive but light-hearted exploration into what makes you who you are – inherited biological traits, or environmental influences.

Snow Dogs can be credited with one of the most cheesy happy endings I’ve ever seen, and many will be perturbed by the vomitinducing snug conclusion.

While this film was better than I’d anticipated, with some funny moments, credible performances and nice scenery (as my Dad would say). However I’d recommend it for work avoidance purposes only.

Hatice Özdemirciler

Alls Wells that ends well THE TIME MACHINE Starring: Guy Pearce, Samantha Mumba, Mark Addy, Orlando Jones, Jeremy Irons.

Dir.: Simon Wells PG, 95 mins.

Opens: 24th May

GUY PEARCE: Apparently ‘ffffit’!

Human nature is called into question. Evolution, inevitability, control of the future and predestination are all neatly woven into the solid script

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Y THE time you’ve read this review – that’s it – there’s no changing the fact that you have read it.

The past cannot be changed.

But then, you haven’t read it yet, so you still have the choice of whether to or not (please do!).

Existing in the present means we cannot control the past, but on the other hand, we have the power to be a part of what the future holds.

This fact is usually challenged by the commonplace time travelling blockbusters of today (12 Monkeys, Planet of the Apes, The Terminator and Back to the Future) all which go against the idea that the past is unalterable.

However, practically all such science fiction owes a great debt to H.G. Wells’ 1894 classic, The Time Machine, which has been remade

by Simon Wells (H.G.’s great grandson) and is ready and waiting to set the timeline straight.

Guy Pearce plays Alexander, an atypical Victorian professor, sporting round glasses and a posh waistcoat, who spends his days using a piece of chalk to scribble incomprehensible equations onto the biggest blackboard you will ever see (he even needs a ladder).

But Alex the professor is not one of those guys that is so immersed in his work that he’s detached from any sense of human emotion.

Instead he is a convincing, endearing (and ffffit) gentleman who balances his passion for physics by his fascination with literature.

Without giving too much away, Alex suffers a tragedy and realises that nobody, let alone him, has the ability to re-live what has happened and change the past.

So with only one direction to travel in he creates an impressive time machine, complete with shiny metallic coat and revolving propellers, to allow him to travel into

the future.

Alex takes himself into the twentieth century – unavoidably a cappuccino-ised, dot-com driven consumer culture, (so viewers like us can at least have some relation to the film) that rapidly becomes technologically obsessed.

Such unoriginal social satire feels a bit predictable really, but at least no-one is wearing anything that resembles any kind of futuristic space suit.

Dissatisfied and quite frankly very scared, Alex launches far, far into the future – 800,000 years – and becomes enveloped in a Lord of the Rings style fantasy world.

It is here that we not only get to meet the long-awaited Samantha Mumba, but also her 12 year-old brother (and yes, real life brother too).

The Mumba siblings, clad in baggy linen trousers and wooden jewellery, both complement each other in their performances, though (un?)fortunately, the only pleasure we are given of their vocal talent is via their new language.

Although heavily borrowed from Tolkien’s hobbit world, the landscape is still highly aweinspiring and the characters seem to lead a harmonious life within in it.

Inevitably, danger strikes. In such a state of flux, human differences emerge as a result of 800,000 years of evolution.

Human nature is called into question – do we admit defeat or fight back? What is inevitable and what can we control? Evolution, inevitability, control of the future and predestination are all neatly woven into The Time Machine’s solid script.

The resulting film is arguably predictable, but definitely worth watching for its admirable performances and coherent and visual insight into the past, present and future. Siân Hunt

Jeremy Irons decides it’s time to hit the sunbeds

filmreviews/profile

07

Finally, a film that’s on the Ball MONSTERS BALL Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry, Heath Ledger, Sean Coombs, Peter Boyle, Mos Def Dir: Marc Forster 15, 111 mins

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A c t o r P ro f i l e : H a l l e B e rr y

F YOU think by this title that you are about to see a sequel to Monsters Inc. then you’ll be in for a great surprise.

Monsters Ball is actually a film set in the deep south, revolving around the lives of three generations of correctional officers, who prepare prisoners on death row for their

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execution.

At the head of the family is Buck (Peter Boyle), an ageing ‘redneck’ who is still very much set in his prejudiced ways. His son Hank, played by Billy Bob Thornton, has followed in his father’s footsteps and is now the head of the death squad.

Although Hank’s son Sonny (Heath Ledger) is part of the death team as well, he has not inherited the passion and hates the position he has been passed down from his forefathers.

The film starts with a surprisingly convincing performance by Sean Combs, a.k.a. Puff Daddy/ P. Diddy, who plays death row prisoner Lawrence Musgrove. Just hours before his execution we witness his last

HETHER YOU were genuinely touched by Halle Berry’s traumatic acceptance speech for her Best Actress Oscar earlier this year, or whether you her over emotional fit made you finally give up at go to bed, its hard to deny that Berry deserved such an accolade.

Although still quite a fledgling actress, her powerful performance as a traumatised and impoverished single mother in this months Monsters Ball is both mature and experienced.

Berry, however, has rarely been out of the glare of the spotlight. Born in Cleveland in 1986 to an African American father and white mother, Berry, at seventeen years of

meeting with his wife, Leticia (Halle Berry), who is struggling to cope the ever-increasing debts and the plight of being a single parent.

He also has a heart-warming chat with his rather overweight son, Tyrell (Coronji Calhoun), in which he says “you are not me.”

This theme forms the backbone of the story, as most of the problems the characters suffer have been inherited from their fathers. A man on death row knows that his son is different from him and so wants him to live his own life, however the family of correctional officers that kill this man want their sons to be exactly like them.

When Hank and Sonny prepare Lawrence for his execution, differences between them become obvious. While Hank’s time is filled with making sure that the execution procedure is perfect, Sonny feels deep sympathy for the prisoner and breaks down during his last walk.

This sparks a heated confrontation between father and son, during which Hank cannot control his violence.

Without revealing the plot too much, Hank and Leticia are ultimately brought together by tragic and desperate circumstances, forming an unlikely relationship, and changing their outlooks in the process.

Monsters Ball is a very deep and moving film, filled with violence, grief and passion. Be warned that it is quite slow in places and deals with some very harsh realities.

As the only true southerner in the cast, Billy Bob Thornton provides an excellent portrayal of an emotionally cold man who begins to learn to express his feelings only after tragedy.

His performance manages to trigger a

age, won the Miss Teen All-American Pageant and subsequently became a model.

Her acting career began in 1991 when she featured as a crack addict in Spike Lee’s Jungle Fever.

She has since starred alongside the likes of Eddie Murphy, John Travolta, John Goodman, Warren Beatty and Hugh Jackman in blockbusters such as Boomerang (1992), The Flintstones (1994), Bulworth (1998), X-Men (2000) and Swordfish (2001).

She also won an Emmy and Golden Globe for her portrayal of a tragic screen siren in the made for cable Introducing Dorothy Dandridge (1999), an event

Monsters Ball is a very deep and moving film, filled with violence, grief and passion reaction from the audience, be it pity, sympathy or hatred.

The question is, ‘was Halle Berry worthy of her Oscar?’ I would have to say, yes she was. Her performance of a hard up, grief-stricken single mother was emotional yet realistic. Definitely her best role to date.

Despite them having smaller roles, Heath Ledger and Sean Combs were highly convincing as their characters.

Normally having lighter-hearted roles such as 10Things I Hate about You and A Knight’s Tale, Heath Ledger slipped easily into this very deep and serious role, displaying his acting skills.

Sean Combs first major acting role was quite impressive. He really suited the role and managed to gain a lot of sympathy for the condemned character, although Lawrence’s crime was never named. Another rap artist,

unfortunately overshadowed when she fled the scene of an accident that she had caused when she ran a red light, leading to her being booked in a misdemeanor court in April 2000.

However, such bad press has surely been forgotten since she became the first black actress to win a Best Actress Oscar.

Such recognition will surely lead to bigger and better roles in more artistically important films, but the glory does not seem to have affected Berry’s ego too much, with her claiming that she wants to “keep having fun and also doing those serious roles”. Her next appearance will be as Jinx in James Bond’s twentieth outing: Die Another Day. Neil Blain

Mos Def, was cast as Hank’s neighbour, Ryrus Cooper.

The direction of the film is slow, emotive and evocative. Marc Forster elegantly captures the atmosphere of the deep south, where racial tension runs high and emotions are constrained.

He shoots using dull pastel colours, and observes characters reflected in dirty mirrors or distorted through whiskey bottles.

Monsters Ball is an excellent film, with a very deep and emotional storyline. It’s well worth seeing, although if you’re a bit squeamish or in the mood for an easy-going film then maybe you should wait until you can rent it.

Just go and see it, if only for the powerful script and great acting performances, particularly Halle Berry’s. Grace Stimpson

artsreviews

Wilde things A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE

Bill Kenwright Productions New Theatre

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N TRUE OSCAR Wilde fashion, Bill Kenwright’s opening night of A Woman of No Importance at the New Theatre began amid confusion and controversy: just what did cause the twenty minute delay in raising the curtain? Speculations were tossed around the theatre in the interlude; was it a technical hitch, or more interestingly, was there a bit of backstage drama going on? With a strong cast dominated by highly-strung women, is it possible that, behind the heavy red drapes adorning the stage, life was imitating art?

For the women cannot be denied their importance in this, Wilde’s 1892 ‘comedy of manners’.

Exercising primness and naivety, flirtatiousness and a befuzzled memory, Lady Caroline, Miss Worsley, Mrs Allonby and Lady Hunstanton pretty much cover Wilde’s imagined female prototype.

It was a pleasure to watch the mouse-like Liz from Keeping Up Appearances transformed into a robust Lady Hunstanton in a memorable performance by Josephine Tewson.

A refreshingly complex figure comes in the form of Mrs Arbuthnot.

In a society that liked to hide unwanted pregnancies and illicit

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affairs under the shadow of respectable, if unhappy marriages, Mrs Arbuthnot almost flaunts her status as a single mum. Kate O’Mara relishes her role as a woman wronged, which is slightly at odds with her overwhelming display of affection towards Gerald. Isn’t she supposed to be frightfully aloof and cold hearted, resentful and bitter to the very end? Lord Illingworth perfectly illustrates a man of illworth. While the ladies’ dresses always matched the stunning backdrop to each scene, Illingworth’s costume was at odds with his surroundings, demonstrating his alternative politics and questionable moral principals.

As critics at the time commented, Wilde’s play is unutterably clever, studded with epigrams and wit from first to last, and yet it successfully broaches more pressing problems in late Victorian high society. Single families, sexual equality and political crises at home and abroad are among the most prominent: ring any sadly familiar bells? But just as director Elijah Moshinsky’s set features mirrors and semi circular seats, we are left to reflect that solutions to these social anxieties are endlessly out of our reach.

Lizzie Brown

A land of Plenty Hannibal PLENTY Everyman Sherman Theatre

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TAGED AS part of Everyman’s diamond Jubilee celebrations, David Hare’s exploration of the attitudes and contradictions of post-war Europe certainly doesn’t make easy or particularly comfortable viewing. Initially performed in 1978, it details the inability of a young woman to come to terms with everyday life after her wartime involvement with the French Resistance. Admittedly, it is sprinkled with comedy, but mainly the sort of politically themed jokes that your middle class, Chardonnay drinking, Guardian reading father would allow himself a smug chuckle at.

It is sprinkled with comedy, but mainly the sort of politically themed jokes that your middle class, Chardonnay drinking, Guardian reading father would allow himself to chuckle at There are select moments when the play shines with humour and warmth. Susan Traherne’s bohemian sidekick Alice reproaching an upper class pupil for the inbreeding that makes her naturally stupid, or inexplicably painting one of her naked friends to look like a tree in the middle of an intense and violent argument are examples of the script’s originality and character. As Traherne descends ever further into mental confusion, we see her waltzing around in a

huge ball gown in front of Darwin, a high ranking diplomat, shouting her outspoken opinions regarding the Suez crisis.

Declaring the subject off limits, she goes on to declare “No one will say ‘international laughing stock’, nobody will mention ‘death knell of the ruling classes.” The incidents throughout the play in which Traherne ‘loses control’ are compelling and frightening, offering a sensitive, humorous and often moving portrayal of the loss of youth and sanity.

Venue two of the Sherman was woefully under full, with the audience mainly comprised of the aforementioned Guardian reading fathers and a few eager students.

This was disappointing, especially considering that it was the first night of the play’s five day run.

Nevertheless, the low turnout did add to the already intimate atmosphere created by the thrust staging, and the close proximity of the actors to the audience. However, many of the scenes seemed to drag, containing a great deal of dialogue, but nothing dramatically stimulating. There were some brilliant individual performances, notably from the actresses playing Alice and Susan, but the excitement offered by a few outstanding moments could not be maintained over the entire (and somewhat overlong) two hours.

Despite these faults, Plenty raised some undeniably interesting issues concerning the souring of the British post-war dream of empire and glory, using projected visuals and sound effects to enhance the fraught atmosphere of confusion, lies and instability. Maria Thomas

lecture theatre

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UR NEARBY cousins, the Welsh College of Music & Drama unveiled plans this week for £30 million’s worth of major redevelopments.

Architect extraordinaire John McAslan was called in to design two all-new theatres and a brand spanking new recital hall with a bums-onseats capacity of 400. This comes as part of the College’s 5-year plan and will see them moving into the premier league of Britain’s many prestigious music and drama colleges.

Famous alumni of the college include Dougray Scott, who graced the silver screen in Enigma and Mission:Impossible 2; chanteuse Iris Williams; and Sir Anthony Hopkins, the man made famous for his role as a face-eating maniac. He was also in several other films.

musicsingles ACTUAL SIZE Sunday Driver (Gut Records)

BRISTOL-BASED Actual Size are currently on tour promoting themselves and their quirksome take on indie rock. This single does their efforts proud, combining a strong multi-layered sound with louche rhythms and distinctive vocals.

Not too sure what the song is actually about, (they seem very concerned about a car), but they’ve come up with a rather catchy chorus, so comprehensibility isn’t a prerequisite for enjoyment in this case. Certainly the sort of music I’d drive to. LaDonna Hall

KOOGAPHONE Never Talk To Strangers (Bluefire)

“I AM a lioness/ This is my jungle/ You are not Tarzan/ I am the hunter” snarls Julie Gravell in her – no, please, no! – gravelly voice. Overfeminised angsty rock was killed to death by Hole ten years ago and Kogaphone are pissing on its grave.

They sound like Shirley Bassey fronting a really arse version of Idlewild and no, not in a good way.

Mat Croft

LAST MAN STANDING Fate (Sublime)

THERE IS a reason that no-one in the world has ever heard of Last Man Standing. It is simply because they are less prog-rock, more plodrock and have absolutely no place in a year with more than three digits.

Should Fate be spun in even the

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most alternative of clubs, the last men standing, let alone dancing, will be the chronically deaf. Everyone else will be at the bar.

Jamie Fullerton

BUSTA RHYMES FEAT. P DIDDY & PHARRELL Pass The Courvoisier Part II (J Records)

AND THE deluge of bling-bling continues, with the luminaries of hiphop still unable to find a subject matter more interesting than the state of their finances. It’s far from banal, though, with Busta Rhymes’ ever-thrilling manic croak and the Neptunes’ staccato, Vermeer-sharp production combining to create another infectiously booty-shaking stormer. Ignore the wretched P Diddy and his hideous, oddly camp cameo, and cut another notch in the bedpost of hip-hop anthems.

Alex Macpherson

GARLIC Not Over Yet (Propylactic)

INTERESTING CONCEPT here.

One of the original writers of early 90’s dance anthem grabs a few scruffy looking friends, forms a band with a horrendous name who listen to too much Grandaddy, and cover aforementioned anthem in the style of Neil Young losing his marbles.

Perfectly ridiculous, and should be encouraged, especially since it probably makes Dave Pearce cry that another dance anthem creator has discovered his inner guitar player. Next week, we discover that the bassist in Six By Seven was one of the Outhere Brothers in time for

BILLY BRAGG AND THE BLOKES Take Down The Union Jack (Cooking Vinyl) EVER TRUE to form, Bragg adopts the more radical stance to the Queen’s Jubilee. Whilst the Sex Pistols et al. are taking (not insignificant) cynical stabs at the monarchy, he’s gone a step further, has Billy.

Using three minutes of simple guitar chords

their cover of Boom Boom Boom.’

John Widdop

JARCREW Paris and the New Math (Complete Control)

IF I said anything other than “Jarcrew’s new single sounds a lot like a Welsh ...Trail of Dead” I’d be lying to you, as that’s exactly what it sounds like. While, the production doesn’t really capture the energy and chaos of their live shows (which are unmissable, so keep an eye out for them and more importantly, go see), Paris and the New Math is still very impressive, considering it’s the band’s debut release, as it is full of confidence and will get stuck in your head quickly. It also comes with a free sticker, so you have no excuse for not buying it. Owain Cooke

ALPINESTARS FEAT BRIAN MOLKO Carbon Kid (Riverman records)

“IMAGE, IMAGE, you do what you want” ironically could describe Brian Molko’s life during his early Placebo days. Despite the fact Placebo are essentially ‘has beens’ now, Molko’s vocals surprisingly blend well with this track.

Carbon Kid has an almost haunting quality to it and Molko’s mangled face on the cover has a rather cool Aphex Twin vibe. Other than that, this track is rather a tedious affair and the only thing that really saves it is how foxy Molko looks in the video. Shame really, as it could have been brilliant had it had slightly more variation.

Gemma Jones

as a backdrop, a proposal to dismantle the socio-political structures of the United Kingdom is outlined. It is suggested that our dear nation-state began to decay “sometime in the 80s/ when the Great and the Good gave way to the greedy and the mean.”

It is political theory within a musical arrangement so enjoy it for its inherent worth, if not for its musical merit.

All proceeds go to the (ever-worthwhile) Living Wage Campaign, as if you’d need another excuse to buy it.

Andrew Davidson

THE LIBERTINES What A Waster/ I Get Along (Rough Trade) SMART GUYS The Libertines. Not only do they look good, but they manage to truly captivate the rock n’ roll spirit so cherished and of the moment.

With this awesome double A-side, they relay tales of grand debauchery, magnified intensely through brief super-fuelled tunes. What a Waster and the superb thunder of I Get Around specifically, launch head-on into a dirty, growling-yet-organised mess, of squalling guitar and battered vocals. The punk essence somewhat hints at the rough-edged nightlife that they’ve inevitably come from (or pretend to), and will inevitably be loved by those who frequent grotty underground clubs across the land.

Guaranteed to be flavour of the week. But by the sound of this, such savouring should last a good bit longer than that. Gemma Curtis

KORN Here To Stay (Epic)

WHO ARE going to brush aside pathetic ageing skaters like Fred Durst? Who are going to devour Papa Roach’s diluted metal with a guitar crunch so lethal it carries a government health warning? Who, I ask you, are the band so pent up with angst and aggression that their comeback single is going to drive a sledgehammer into the face of the music world as we know it? Not Korn, Here To Stay is ditchwater dull and about as angry as a mildly annoyed wasp. Sorry. Jamie Fullerton

ANTIHERO Rolling Stones Tshirt (Integrity) ANTIHERO ARE one of those bands that will (hopefully) always support good bands because in all honesty they sound like a watered down version of every ska-punk band going.

Sounding like they desperately want to be [Spunge] and having a lead singer who looks like he’s Jamie Oliver’s younger (and more annoying) brother, AND quoting WWF’s Chris Jericho on the sleeve (everyone knows it’s all about the Rock) doesn’t at all work in their favour. Hopefully they’ll learn from experience and realise originality never harmed anyone.

Gemma Jones

SAHARA HOTNIGHTS With Or Without Control (BMG)

Crown jewels

POSSIBLY BLANDER than those black postcards that say ‘Cornwall at night’, With Or Without Control does nothing but expose the ‘too pretty for punk’ Sahara Hotnights as an utterly expendable primary school level rock band who we’d never have heard of had they not been screwing The Hives. Surely Howlin’ Pele could think of a more interesting place to put his schlong? Jamie Fullerton

SEAFOOD/ JETPLANE LANDING Pleasurehead/ Has The Argument Changed (Infectious) THIS SPLIT single showcases the split personalities (Aha! See what I’ve done there? Clever, eh?) of both bands.

Seafood’s sweet, shuffling love-song is countered by the offbeat punk racket of Gun Trip.

Jetplane Landing chuck in a blistered At The Drive-In rip off and a summery Ash rip-off, though neither suffers from the comparison.

It’s classy stuff, punky and obtuse enough to get in on the No Name scene, pop enough to get airplay.

Mat Croft

OAKENFOLD Southern Sun / Ready Steady Go (Perfecto) DEBUT SINGLE from surprisingly stillrelevant head of seminal 90’s dance label Perfecto guaranteed to generate overexcitement in time for the start of the Ibiza season. Which all sounds suspiciously like the blueprint for some more impossibly average dance fodder, but no. Southern Sun like a speeded up version of Teardrop by Massive Attack, on Prozac, while Ready Steady Go is a fantastic funk guitar led monster featuring the vocals of gun totin’ loser Asher D. Hmmm...where’s my glow stick.

John Widdop

MISS BLACK AMERICA Talk Hard (Integrity)

ANTI-NAZI League patrons (no, really) Miss Black America seem to be attempting to trawl us through postPixies mid-pace positive rock which is being pulled off right now at infinitely better standard by the vastly superior Idlewild.

I Am Not A Virgin is the title of one of the b-sides, which is lucky really because on this evidence the groupies won’t exactly be lining up.

Jamie Fullerton

musiclive

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PICS:Rob Jackson

A Solus IN THE peculiar but cosy venue that is Solus, swarms of 12-year-olds looked forward to what must have been the biggest night out of their year, bless ‘em. The look was ludicrously baggy trousers and immaculately groomed hair for the boys, Wonderbras and not a lot else for the girls, (I blame the parents) which left us university students feeling a little old before our time. Support came from the Beefsteaks and Fenix TX, whose delightful lead singer made the audience chant ‘Fuck you!’ while sticking his middle finger up in the air. And we wonder where this aggressive, discordant generation has stemmed from...

By the time A made it on stage, those craaazy kiddies were sweating buckets yet still moshing away and crowd surfing like there was no tomorrow. The Leeds lads looked extremely American, singer Jason Perry was wearing a sun visor – they can’t be fashionable again, can they? Their music is the kind of growl-rock invading the charts frequently as a result of the rock

revival, and thanks to the excellence of their single Nothing, A have finally, after three albums, made their mark.

The performance was pretty much what you’d expect – tracks from the old albums getting little to no recognition, tracks from Hi-Fi Serious going down well and the singles Nothing and Starbucks simply rocking. Towards the end of the set, thousands of little flakes of ‘snow’ came spurting out from boxes near the ceiling.

The mosh-pit doubled in size as anyone who hadn’t yet dared go near piled into the area to get covered in the stuff. Jason then informed the crowd that this ‘snow’ stank of spunk, which by this time everyone had probably figured out, (except of course for the 12-year-olds who wouldn’t know what it smelt of would they. Would they?) The evening was finished off with Nothing, a boisterous, stomping track that turned the failing rock group into one that has a future.

Jason said in an interview that he wanted to be just like Starbucks – ‘irritatingly there.’ Maybe world-wide domination is a little enthusiastic but A certainly made an impression on people in Solus and with minimum irritation too.

Grand. Katie Brunt

A riot in the Union

SPARTA/ SILT/ FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND Newport TJs IT’S NOT always the best start to a gig when

PICS: Joao Martins

you turn up and find that the fresh blood on the floor outside the venue belongs to one of the headline band’s members. Despite this, Funeral For A Friend start the show with a hugely impressive blend of hardcore and emo that brings to mind Glassjaw and Thursday. Both their frontmen are impressive, especially covocalist Matt, who’s screams echo around the venue. With their debut EP out soon, they are a band to keep an eye on.

With a bassist who looks like a Seventies porn star, complete with ludicrous moustache and a drummer who looks like he’s going to kill everyone in the venue, you know Iceland’s Silt are going to be impressive. Their set is completely unpredictable and unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Imagine Sonic Youth at their most experimental playing along to Fugazi’s start stop rhythms and you’re close, but still not doing them justice. Just when you think it can’t get better, their frontman spends the intro to the next song sitting on a keyboard and then in the middle of the song plays a cheesy drumbeat off it and for the next song, which sounds bizarrely like Parklife, they get the audience to clap them in. Spectacular.

It’s hard to review Sparta without comparing them to their former band At the Drive in, because where as Cedric and Omar experiment with dub reggae in the Mars Volta, Sparta have continued to play the punk rock that made their previous band popular.

Compared to the sometimes sloppy live shows of At the Drive In, Sparta play their songs with much more focus, and for a band who have

HOUSE 6: Talybont perhaps?

played only handful of shows they are incredibly tight. The only criticism you could have is that the band lack the energy of ATDI, but that is partly due to a half-full venue and a crowd who are here to listen to the band. The sets highlight, Mye’s “This time I’m going to get it right,” refrain is a powerful statement of intent, and on tonight’s evidence, it looks like this time they have. Owain Cooke

HOUSE 6 Toucan Club ON WEDNESDAY 15th May, a trio of white males calling themselves House 6 performed at the Toucan, and as the band climbed the stage and started to play, the expected acoustic tiredness did not ensue, but instead a warm glow filled the atmosphere. Three completely different personalities managed to get their feelings across to a crowd of varied individuals.

After the performance the suspected musicians were interrogated and they confessed their musical influences. Old and new loves, the cello, Jeff Buckley through to David Gray and an obsession with honesty. House 6 express emotions shamelessly – paranoia, jealously, love and anxiety are sung about over the tune of guitar and cello.

I Will Not Fall, House 6’s trademark tune, conveys a strength offset by the simplicity of the arrangement. They are a glimpse into the wealth of talent that can be found in a university environment. However, have we heard all of this before? You may say yes, but there is a spark within this band that implies real creativity. Lets just say that although not being as smooth or as technically advanced as Travis or Coldplay, House 6 deal with real feelings that everyone can relate to.

And House 6 Hobo played funk acoustic stuff and they were darn good too.

Andy Graham & Joao Martins

THISGIRL / BALLGAG / HONDO MCLAINE Barfly SINCE THE rise to fame of local boys Lost Prophets, there seems to be a hoard of local bands coming forward who are exactly like them, including Hondo McLaine. Dressing like the Lost Prophets and managing to sound like a Banshee on heat, does not work well for them. Piss-poor attempts at screamcore aside, their interaction with the crowd is duly noted, but is soon forgotten as soon as they open their mouths to sing.

The peculiar variety of support carried on with the next act – Ballgag. With their roots firmly planted in old skool metal, they come across as a rather scary lot and their foghorn like music does nothing to contradict this image.

Rotherham’s ThisGirl make up for all of tonight’s horrors as soon as the prettiest little ‘no-namer’, Liam Creamer (unfortunate name) struts onto the stage. Oozing sex appeal, the wide-eyed, petit pixie proclaims Wales to be a “Beautiful town” (?!) before unleashing a potent and chilling scream and taking us through tracks from their brilliant new album … Short Strut To The Brassy Front...

Sounding like a mixture of early Manics and early Idlewild, ThisGirl restores my faith that there is some fucking good music out there if we look hard enough. With such song titles as T Is For Tup Tup and Too Many Magnetic Words combined with their raw punkish style and dashing good looks, ThisGirl will be around for a good while yet, and the music scene will be a better place because of it. Gemma Jones

MANCHILD Barfly WELSH NU-METAL really is intriguing. The challenge of course, is to mould an individual sound that rises above the sprawling entity of American wrestle-rockers, after all, why come to South Wales for testosterone fuelled thrills when the Yanks have such an established stronghold? Manchild have both rap and rock as core ingredients of their sound but are not nu-metal, yet they are better than both Newport’s Kennedy Soundtrack and Pontypridd’s Lostprophets. They are a hip-hop/ dance/ rock crossover much in the same vein as Fat Of The Land era Prodigy and Dig Your Own Hole Chemical Brothers (in fact, early track Rehab threatens to morph into Electrobank at the midway point), as a result providing both the thrills of a live guitar crunch, tongue twisting word aerobics and pounding

hip-hop squelch-rhythms.

Its not an original combination, but it’s a satisfying concoction that thrives as a kicking, screaming live show. Recently recruited rapper frontmen bounce about the stage with a hyperactive desire to please, and in fact turn out to be highly capable rappers with distinctive British accents, which begs the question why they chant “East coast West coast” on opener Search and Destroy. Someone really should inform them that swimming trunks are not required when crossing the border to visit the plains of England. The killer one-inch punch though comes in the form of a hired dancer who glides between the band onstage then rips the beer soaked mat from the dancefloor and spin-tops in spine-telescoping manoeuvres as the fever-strong crowd whoop and cheer in encouragement.

Manchild haven’t found a sound of their own yet, however their beats are accomplished, the frontmen are glorious spitters and the band are ravenously hungry to make their mark.

Unquestionably, they have the drive to become more than a sub-standard Prodigy. Right it this moment they are simply a fantastic live show.

Jamie Fullerton

[SPUNGE] TJ’s

NOW, I could rant about the public transport issue in the UK at the moment, and the stupidity of Newport council not to mention anywhere that key roads/ paths to TJ’s are blocked off, until you actually get to the fence that says ‘Use Over Side’, which resulted in me not getting to TJ’s until 10.10pm, thus missing the performances by Gash and Bowling for Soup, but I choose not to. Instead, let me rant about [spunge].

Wicked, full of energy and generally a good laugh, are words that could be used to describe this performance. And full of energy it was, with crowd surfing every two minutes, scores of people skanking along to old c lassics such as Ego, Idols and Kicking Pigeons and also first performances from their new album, including Jump on Demand. This incorporated with such covered songs as No Woman, No Cry and Elvis Costello’s Oliver’s Army kept me and the rest of TJ’s bouncing for the entire time that the band were on, and well into the night! And the song dedicated to Kerrang, which included the words “Fuck” and “Kerrang” (Yes, in that order) showed that the boys have not lost their sense of humour, and gave made me have a good chuckle.

The only other bad thing about the night, except the transport issues and road closures, was the gig finishing just after 11pm. Returning after many chorus chants of “encore”, to perform one last skank enticing song, almost seemed enough. Almost. Tim Carne

musiclive

HALO/ MIDASUNO/ SERAFIN Barfly IT OFTEN helps to have a drummer whose body mass is greater than the kit itself, and Misasuno have taken this gold nugget of information to hand, and consequently bolstered their piledriving cross between angst metal and angry punk racket to a suitable degree of power. Nothing particularly shocking, original or worth writing home about, but still, this is third on the bill to Halo, so let’s not expect miracles.

Serafin’s drummer is called Ronnie Growler and has a big chin. Although this time the angst metal meets angry punk racket doesn’t need much bolstering, the sparkling eyed bassist and little oik fronting the band packed enough punch to more than suffice. As is often the case, it helped that they were pissed up to their eyeballs and exited stage right amidst a fully trashed stage, the aforementioned Growler brandishing a snare drum menacingly.

Then there was a lengthy wait for Bristol based Halo to come onstage whilst various roadies failed to wire up the amps properly. And was the wait worth it? No it wasn’t fucking worth it.

It is in no way an overstatement to say there are already far too many horrible nasty four piece bands bumming around venues peddling ordinary wannabe-anthemic rock crap for Halo to be encouraged. They operate the spikey bracelet look which Rachel Stamp made embarrassing the second they started wearing them and they operate the ‘three-fast-one-slow’ setlist which offers even less surprise and suspense than an American teen sitcom.

To be fair, new single Sanctimonious sounds like a reasonable stab at a Muse-esque power chord pop, and they do pull it off, but any band who amount to nothing more than one song sounding a bit like a trio of overhyped, overpopular overpretentious cockrockers, have pretty much consigned themselves go down as sinners, rather than the saints their name suggests.

John Widdop

HUNDRED REASONS Blackwood Miners Institute AROUND TEN years ago a band erupted from a coal-stained mess of a shit-hole buried in the Valleys of Wales bringing a brutal, vital slash of punk values to the nation winning a thousand hearts. In 2002 a band tour the U.K. claiming devotion from the youth of the land with a breed of rock ‘n roll with, unlike that aforementioned band, a permanent emphasis on creating a hormone fuelled roar of metal magnificence, never getting sidetracked with political messages or applying eyeshadow. This is Hundred Reasons, tonight they perform in that coal-stain, and it takes only the wave-ride riff of I’ll Find You to whip Blackwood’s hooded minions into a rabid writhing ocean of devil horns and beaming grins.

For Hundred Reasons are a band to share the best moments of life with, the following hour and a half sees the salivating crowd share fourteen of them all in the form of three minute guitar detonations hurdled by Colin Doran’s sumptuous gravel pit bellow. Security guards stand aloft and

PICS: Jamie Fullerton

How lo can you go

11 “Fischerspooner”.

Compared to Danish school disco soundtracking one hit wonder Whigfield by some, The Vanities are in fact a Kraftwerkian robotic New Order all tarted up for a Kylie disco (self defined as “electro-pop-dancesynth-indie-goth-retro-rock”). Yes, that good.

New single track Dance/Electro’s tinny chant (“dance electro/ never gonna let you go”) wailed with a Mansunny vigour sums up the good-time attitude of the band, its about dancing. It’s about love, it’s about time.

The Vanities are here and neither Clwb, Boobytrap or Cardiff have ever seen anything like them. “Will you still love me tomorrow?” Rhys Bradley, the man who lists Spandau Ballet’s Gold as his all-time favourite album heartbreakingly wails. I’m not sure, but I’ll be buying the single.

Jamie Fullerton

THE ELECTRIC SOFT PARADE Newport TJs

MIDASUNO:no manners

actively encourage kids to crowd-surf into their open arms before spraying them down and dishing out the high fives. Note to Union; sack our hooligan bouncers and send a press gang to Blackwood. “Lets get some dancing going!” roars Colin, a skinhead bouncer yells “Come on!” and the band plunge into Rough End with tinkling glockenspiel and of course, waves and waves of filthy guitar hooks to surf in on.

And surf in the kids do, dripping teenagers hurl each other into the air and bombard security guards with gangly frames. The bouncers gesture for more, just five people among hundreds having the time of their lives. During the most rocking single of the millennium If I Could, one kid is engulfed with emotion expressed by furiously hugging his best friend.

After two minutes, his friend brushes off the offending arm with “get your arm off me you homo”.

100% gimmick free, Hundred Reasons are pure uncut testosterone hook-rock in a music hall, the most vital band since, well, around ten years ago. Jamie Fullerton

THE VANITIES Clwb Ifor Bach ANOTHER SATURDAY night, another Boobytrap initiation ceremony, another indie guitar band? Christ no. Supported by the accomplished summertime pop hooks of The Loves tonight, The Vanities are born out of a desire to drive against the oncoming traffic, to offer a delicious alternative to the hoards of guitar strummers they are so frustrated with. So what radical new sound do they purvey? Well, erm... 1980’s synth-pop actually. But silence your tut, for this threesome, armed with reflector sunglasses, 80’s night pyrotechnics, poisonously striped ties and individually signed plastic roses, are having the time of their lives on stage, and so are the front row indie kids encaptured by the camp rhythm and forced to dance by their inner-disco monsters. All onlookers are captivated by admiration, sheer curiosity or a healthy cocktail of both before you can say

THERE’S NOTHING worse than feeling sorry for a band, but it’s hard to feel anything else for The Electric Soft Parade tonight. Tom White clearly vents his frustration with the poor sound quality as he asks “What the fuck is going on? This shit was sounding wicked in soundcheck...” In all fairness, the brothers and their entourage are trying their little hearts out, but there’s only so much a crowd can ‘get into a band’ when they are no louder than your average home stereo.

Nevertheless, singles Empty at the End and There’s a Silence come across reasonably well and the furious Why Do You Try So Hard To Hate Me still manages to have more angst than a pubescent Linkin Park fan. New song Stay Where You Are show’s the bands softer, more reflective side.

The biggest disappointment of the night is set closer and debut single, Silent to the Dark, which months ago, when the band played the Cardiff Barfly was a glorious, sprawling, creative finisher. Tonight however, the band stretch it past the fifteen-minute mark, and the crowd loose any interest they had left as soon as the first chorus ends.

The song breaks down, then comes back up, as you think this is going to end it breaks down again and this process goes on for far too long… the amount of people shimmying towards the doorway before the band leaves the stage indicates that this element of guitar wank has done anything but impress.

Better luck next time lads. Ben James

VON BONDIES/ MODEY LEMON Barfly WALKING INTO the Barfly, heady anticipation of White Stripes-backed rockers The Von Bondies almost tangible, your correspondent barely gives a second thought to their support act, pausing only to make a snide comment about their name – Modey Lemon – to fellow punters.

The consensus is not favourable.

From the opening guitar blast to the final, passionate howl, though, Modey Lemon prove us very wrong.

The Pittsburgh two-piece manage to make an incredible amount of noise on stage, combining an instinctive grasp of melody with a foundation of raw, primal blues.

Frontman Phil Boyd is undoubtedly the star of the set: tearing threechord solos from his guitar like a one-man Stooges, throwing himself around the stage with astonishing energy and scorching the crowd with an untamed, sexual roar reminiscent of both Jon Spencer and Kurt Cobain. All of this careers wildly around some fabulously

frenetic drumming – and the occasional backflip – courtesy of Paul Quattrone: imagine if Meg White had laid eyes on a drum kit before entering the studio. Modey Lemon may be in desperate need of a name change, but everything else they need – attitude, passion, sex appeal, tunes – is very much in place.

The point of The Von Bondies was never to be blown off stage by a support band with a silly name, but that’s exactly what happens.

They deliver a competent set of average, sub-Stripes blues, occasionally hitting jackpot with a groovy riff or rhythm, but in the main providing little of the excitement which Modey Lemon created so effortlessly. Frontman Jason Stollsteimer lacks any vestige of charisma and hides behind his hair; guitarists Carrie Smith and Marcie Bolen merely look bored, like very pretty mannequins.

It’s by no means all bad – closer It Began In Japan sees them finally and fantastically locate some soul – but, quite frankly, it’s not good enough. Alex Macpherson

PICS: Jamie Fullerton

Upstaged by fruit

musicalbums

12

D re a m y H a y e s GEMMA HAYES Night on My Side (Source)

AFTER DISSING Hanging Around several issues ago, it may be necessary to make a formal apology. It’s not that bad really – but it’s not that good either, don’t get carried away now. Night on my Side, so-called because it was written almost entirely after dark, is a melancholy, broody insight into Hayes’ lonely upbringing in Tipperary.

This twelve-track album (complete with enhanced elements comprising a biography, images and a rather tiresome film about Hayes’ rise to stardom) is, according to the writer, “music in its purest form.”

THE SUPERNATURALS What We Did Last Summer (Koch) REINVENTION CAN be a wonderful thing.

Once a band have popped their musical cherry and launched their names out into the big wide world of HMV with their first releases they must ask themselves in which direction they are heading. Most will choose to expand their sound, often with selfindulgent diluted results (see KulaShaker, Manic Street Preachers), often with forward-looking, self aware gateaux-rich results (see Super Furry Animals, Beastie Boys). Some, it seems, will be content with making breezy summer tunes with lyrics no more complex than, “playing Frisbees in the sun”, on their third release. And no, the line isn’t any kind of metaphor.

This of course, is a cut taken from the new album from indie survivors The Supernatural’s, the cover of which looks like a cheap 1999 summer chillout compilation. What We Did Last Summer is an album of moogy synthesized lounge-pop, epitomised by the dreadful Euro-pop marching-inleather-trousers anthem Life Is A Motorway which features a Village People-esque chant, “Life is a motorway…all the little cars going beep beep beep”. And that my friends, is truly disgusting.

Steelwork disco hits aside, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an album of meaningless sunny pop, as long as someone remembers to include the tunes. Which they didn’t.

So as a summary, no tunes, no lyrics that require any kind of abstract thought, and a Village People discostomper. It doesn’t look too promising for The Supernaturals does it?

STOP PRESS! Life Is A Motorway has been selected to be released as a single. Oh Christ. Jamie Fullerton

EASYWORLD This Is Where I Stand (Jive) THANKFULLY SOUNDING slightly better on CD than live, Easyworld are one of these bands you either love or hate, there doesn’t seem to be a happy medium. And quite honestly aside from their kitsch exterior they are sickeningly bland and someone really should remind them that characterless attempts at Brit-pop died out around five years ago, in particular on tracks like 100 weight where they try everything in their power to sound like the Bluetones.

Not to be completely negative

wah guitars in space. Or at least that’s what it sounds like. Electrobolt’s two tracks are pretty damn fine techno shenanigans, but the special crisp in the packet turns out to be Peeping Tom’s Last One. This sees a man with a funny accent talking almost conversationally about how his equipment is “easy to keep clean and very hardwearing”. But it’s the informative section on diet that gets the prize: “Cholesterol builds up in our systems… Oh, it’s disgusting! It’s disgusting!” Mat Croft

That’s understandable, every track is completely void of fussy tampering and grand synthesis. The songs are all meaningful, if a little self-indulgent, and Hayes’ voice is sublime.

Lucky One is a standout track, considerably louder than several others in the middle, but starting and ending with a gorgeous mixture of sounds and gentle guitar accompaniment. Hayes’ voice in My God is so crisp that she could almost be in the room with you and Ran For Miles, a seductive, uncomplicated track is chilled to the point of freezing. The title track ends the album, unfortunately- we can forgive Hayes’ self-indulgence until here but Night on My Side is just too vague for us to care. Katie Brunt though, as there are slight glimmers of hope amongst the ugly rubble. The sweeping lamentation that is This is Where I Stand which punches you in the stomach and rips your heart out, with its heartfelt beauty and makes you reconsider your initial reaction (ie, that they’re crap) as does the footstomping, vitriolic Bleach (“You make me want to drink bleach”).

Realistically Easyworld do have considerable potential, just a shame they seem quite content wallowing in the bland. Gemma Jones

PAUL WESTERBERG Mono (B-unique/vagrant) WELL, IT turns out that this is the other half of the Stereo album that I reviewed the other week, but as it is a different album, we can probably get away with it. Mono is released as bonus disc with Stereo, and is released under Westerberg’s ‘Granpaboy’ alias, which means rather than the teary ballads of Stereo, you get the punk rock side of him.

Unfortunately, this evokes comparisons with the Replacements (who Westerberg was Frontman with), and while it has its moments, such as on Let’s Not Belong Together it doesn’t really live up to his former band. Still, it’s by no means a bad album, and as it is a free bonus disc to a great album, you can’t really complain.

Owain Cooke

VARIOUS Spider-Man OST (Columbia)

DEMPSEY Sunrise / Sunset (Output) IT TAKES a certain type of man to record a song about Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s famous evasion of the LAPD. Weird or crazy are descriptions you may think of, but after hearing ODB On The Run, the opening track on Dempsey’s debut album, the resounding verdict will be errant genius. Backed by police sirens, funky soul beats and bluesy guitar, Dempsey (aka American Geoff McIntire (no relation to John, Tortoise fans…) delivers a devilishly catchy homage to the errant rapper. “Still gonna shimmy, shimmy” he pants breathlessly as the filth get closer.

From this moment on you know that you’re not dealing with you’re average singer/ songwriter.

Coming across as a delicious hybrid of Beck and early Primal Scream, Dempsey’s debut cunningly split in two. The first half produced by Kerian ‘Four Tet’ Hebden is akin to Beck in Odelay period. All funked-up hip hop beats and lazy white boy raps. The second half, produced by Trevor ‘Underdog’ Jackson draws more influence from the blues based style of Mutations – all gravelly voices and dusty highways. Even so the ideas, delivery and quality remain at a surprisingly high standard throughout.

It’s the sort of album you can imagine recorded in a basement on a

$10 tape recorder by whiskey swigging, Californian, whitehomeboys, who paused only to replace their strings or roll another joint. The slacker vibe however cannot hide the obvious talent on display. For confirmation just check out the jazz melancholy of Blue, Geoff’s broken voice joined only by cello and trumpet in a salute to love long gone.

A funny, catchy, talented and cool album; summer’s here. What more incentive do you need.

Andy Parsons

VARIOUS Intox (Intoxygene) THE FRENCH techno label Intoxygene has assembled its artists for a sampler of the label. And before you ask, none of it sounds anything like Daft Punk or Air. Instead, it’s a range of stuff, from the ambient soundscapes of Franz Treichler to the Depeche Mode flavours of Y Front.

Yes, that is a ridiculous name, but these people are using English as their second language. Although in a French accent – ‘Wah Furrunt’- it doesn’t sound much better.

You get a couple of tracks from each artist, so while on the one hand there’s the pumping but slightly rubbish house of Virtuart’s 5X ST EX, their Fantomas is an ice-cool epic, with James Bond organs battling wah-

AN ORGY of kid-rock from a film unafraid to add hyphens to reiterate its subject matter. Which bands have been ‘inspired by’ a film about said subject is probably a best kept secret but otherwise the concept of the Spider-Man soundtrack is simple enough.

First impressions prove inaccurate, however. The Strokes fail to recapture former glory in lo-fi b-side When It Started while, and it pains me to say this, Sum 41 finally succeed in there attempt to sound like The Beastie Boys in rock-meets-hip-hop What We’re All About, in which they claim earning minimum wage (which I’m not entirely sure anti-socialist America has) and, more bizarrely, to rock.

Nu-metallers Alien Ant Farm, famous for unnecessarily and poorly revamping other people’s songs for fame and fortune, are back with Bug Bytes which suggests ‘fad’ in letters that shine far more than their career ever will. Meanwhile, Macy Gray continues her redemption to cool in My Nutmeg Phantasy which sounds like Demons spliced with distorted guitar riff and upbeat backing group.

Also involved are The Hives with Hate to Say I Told You So which, thanks to overexposure, is unlikely to make anyone tremor with excitement.

Danny Elfman (or even Elf-Man), supplies the orchestral sequences that stand out prominently on an album of uninspiring, unchallenging and, mostly, untalented commerce.

The album’s one redeeming feature is Aerosmith’s cover of the original TV theme, sounding less like Theme from Top Cat and more suited to a film adaptation of the Marvel hero. Now that, Alien Ant Farm, is how you revamp a song.

Dave Gibson

FAULTLINE Your Love Means Everything (Blanco y negro) FAULTLINE HAVE really pushed out all the stoppers with this fantastic album. With collaborations with the likes of Coldplay’s Chris Martin, REM’s Michael Stipe and the wonderful Jacob Golden, this album is a truly uplifting and euphoric experience.

Screaming ‘chillout’ even from the opening track Your Love Means Everything, this album gently flows from beautiful to soul touching melody leaving you believing the world really does have some lustrous beauty left in it. Mixing instrumental numbers with vocal tracks works very much to Faultline’s advantage here, as it helps to reinforce the image that this album is ‘journey-like;’ almost a somnolent epic.

This album has a definite reverie quality to it and is perfect sunny afternoon listening.

Highly atmospheric and gracefully alluring, Faultline are definitely ones to keep an eye out for in the future.

Gemma Jones

THE SUPERNATURALS: weren’t built to make good music

Television

13

3 June

Monday HTV

S4C

6.00 Breakfast 7.15 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002: Croatia v Mexico 9.30 Parkinson 9.45 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002: Brazil v Turkey 12.10 Dad's Army 12.45 Jubilee 2002: All You Need Is Love 1.30 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 2.00 Jubilee 2002: Britain's Biggest Ever Party 2.30 Jubilee 2002: The Blue Peter Jubilee Party 4.30 Tune Team 5.00 Jubilee 2002 5.30 BBC News Footie, footie, footie. Na-na-na-na.

6.00 Open University: What's Right for Children?

6.30 Citizens of the World 7.15 Breakfast 9.00 CBBC by Royal Appointment: Mona the Vampire v Dennis the Menace 9.25 Rugrats v Arthur 9.50 Even Stevens v LA 7 10.15 The Wild Thornberrys v Super Duper Sumos 10.45 Movie Choice: Wind in the Willows v Rent-a-Kid 12.15 FILM: Follow Me, Boys!

2.20 Trade Secrets 2.30 FILM: The Great Gatsby 4.50 FILM: Legend

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV 11.50 ITV News 12.00 World Cup 2002 Live: Italy v Ecuador C’mon Italy, I’ve got well earned pennies on you lot.

Incidently lads, if your ‘better half ’ ever asks you who you ideal ‘partner’ would be, don’t say Fabio Cannarvo, you’ll never live it down. I thought she ment ‘partner’ in the central defensive sense...honest.

2.55 ITV News Headlines 3.00 Cartoon 3.10 FILM: Firefox I think I’ve seen this. It’s shite.

5.40 HTV News 5.45 ITV News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Planed Plant: Sam Tan 9.45 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 10.05 Planed Plant: Uned 5 O'r Maes 10.10 Planed Plant: Band Uned 5 10.20 Planed Plant: Cnafon Coed 10.50 Planed Plant: Na Dderyn 11.00 Sister Sister 11.30 Popworld 12.00 FANatic 12.30 Pet Rescue 1.00 So You Think You Want... Hair 1.30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 4.15 Countdown 5.00 To the Ends of the Earth 6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 C'mon Midffild

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Alvin and the Chipmunks 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Wild Tales 2.00 FILM: Giant 5.30 5 News grtvdesk@hotmail.com

6.00 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 Highlights from Italy's match against Ecuador; the Group C match between Brazil and Turkey; and the Group G fixture between Croatia and Mexico.

Pure gold I think you’ll agree...fried gold even.

7.00 EastEnders Phil has a warning for Tom. Gus takes Sonia on a date. My word, there’s more minger action in this programme than a night at Dive Hive. Bluerrgh!

7.30 Jubilee 2002: Performers include Sir Paul McCartney, S Club, Will Young and Ricky Martin.

Arggh..thank god for Ozzy or this could be the worst concert ever. Ozzy please refer to the Duke of Ed. as a a “wrinkly cunt”. Oh, and Brian Wilson you rock the big one. I’ve been told I can’t slag off the Queen anymore by my housemate, but she didn’t mention her plank of a husband...

11.15 BBC News 11.35 Johnny Vaughan's World Cup Extra 12.05 FILM: The Honorary Consul Shite nonsense starring Mike Caine.

Probably on a par with Jaws 3.

1.45 Liquid News 2.20 Joins BBC News 24

6.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: Bill gets chucked out the taf after pissing on the jukebox in a tribute to Shed 7’s Rick Witter.

8.00 University Challenge 8.35 Malcolm in the Middle 9.00 The Kumars at No 42 9.30 Coupling 10.00 The Day Today “Goal! and another!”

Awesome scenes from the man Partridge.

10.30 FILM: Monty Python's: The Meaning of Life Yes, TV’s alright all of sudden. Footie and other good stuff like this. Love the bit where the posh bloke meets death, eyeds his scythe and says “Have you come about the hedge?” Wickeed.

12.15 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered?

12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Ever Wondered?

1.30 Wallace in Wales 2.00 Secondary Schools: English 4.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 3-4 5.00 Working in Travel Tourism

6.00 Star Lives 6.30 The Queen's Story: Born, waited on hand on foot all through childhood, had a coronation, shook hands with Daily Mail readers for the rest of her life. Thank god for the footie or all we’d have is this guff.

7.30 Emmerdale Toss 8.00 Coronation Street Argghh, more Jubilee rubbish, but this this time it’s fictional. I don’t care about you, I don’t read the Mail, and I think your husband’s a racist twat who shames this country. From the bottom of my heart, FUCK OFF. 9.00 Lads' The soldiers are made to cut the grass with just a pair of nail scissors. A usefull tactic to use under heavy machine gun fire, I’m told.

10.00 The Queen's Jubilee Coverage of the Buckingham Palace 11.15 World Cup 2002 Gabby Logan presents highlights of Brazil v Turkey, Italy v Ecuador, and Croatia v Mexico.

12.30 Wish You Were Here...? 1.00 The People's Vets 1.35 Trisha 2.40 World Cup 2002: Brazil v Turkey 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News.

7.45 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 9.00 Football Stories: Beckham and the Battle with Argentina 10.00 Big Brother 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.10 Banzai Jubilee Special 11.40 The West Wing 12.35 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 1.20 Top Ten - Football Songs 2.55 Secrets of the Dead 3.55 To the Ends of the Earth CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 T4 9.30 T4: Popworld 10.00 T4: The Players 10.30 T4: FANatic 11.00 T4: As If 12.05 Behind the Ultimate Spin: The Making of Spider-Man 12.35 FILM: 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up 2.05 Channel 4 at the races 4.05 Countdown 4.50 Hollyoaks 7.45 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 8.30 The Lost Dinosaurs of Egypt 10.00 Big Brother 11.10 Top Ten Football songs 12.45 Big Brother 1.15 Best Friends 1.45 Trans World Sport 2.35 Living Dangerously to 3.30 The Lost World of Mulu Explorer Robin Hanbury

6.00 Home and Away Noah gets clingy – like a crab on a ball-sack.

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Topranko!

7.30 5 News 8.00 The Most Evil Men and Women in History: Bloody Mary Among her most evil crimes was to invent a cocktail with tomato juice and worcester sauce.

Try out my new GR TV desk cocktail: Take a dash of sarcasm, a few late nights, Bacardi, the strange brown water from the office water cooler, a pinch of cutters choice, a ground up kingskin, and some of sweat. Gob it down and dash to nearest latrine. Spankin’ beautiful.

8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: A Civil Action 11.15 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 12.10 The Pepsi Chart 12.15 US PGA Golf: Kemper Insurance Open 1.10 FIM World Motocross Championships 2.00 Moto GP 3.50 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 4.30 Argentinian Football: River Plate v Argentinos Juniors More e.mails please, we need to know you care.

It’s a thankless task up here, y’know.

CHOICE Banzai Jubilee Special S4C, 11.10 pm, Banzai! Tora! Tora! And other rather dodgy racial stereotypes perpertrated by this programme. Games for this episode include “Prince Phillip’s Racial Slur Challenge”,

CHANNEL 5

possibly. Anyway why would the Japanese would want celebrate our Queeny, being as she is married to a bloke who would happily racially abuse them for fun? In fact why would want to celebrate anything with a bunch of inbred racists? Still Mr.TV man thinks we do, which is why he fills our screen with Queen related crap. The bugger.

Party at the Palace BBC1 7.30pm

The Kumars at No 42 BBC2 9.00pm

Coronation Street ITV1 8.00pm

The Lost Dinosaurs C4 8.30pm

Monday 3rd June

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

Big Brother S4C, 10.00 pm Ain’t seen this yet, but they sound all bonkers.

Maybe we’ll get some shaggin’, bitchin’ and fightin’ this time, hurrah! And there’s a fit girl too!

Honestly, would you go on this and face looking like a ‘tard? Gemma C: “I’d go on to make the other contestants wild with lust.” Quite.

Television

14

4 June

Daytime Evening

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 7.15 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002: China v Costa Rica Fried gold.

You’ve gotta watch these matches cos these are the ones that end 4-3. Coasta Rica also have the mecurial Wanchope, sometimes ace, sometimes arse. C’mon!

9.25 Jubilee 2002: The State Procession 11.30 Jubilee 2002: State Service of Thanksgiving at St Paul's 12.45 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 12.55 Jubilee 2002: The Guildhall Banquet 1.45 Jubilee 2002: Carnival in the Mall

6.00 Open University: Orsanmichele 6.50 Ever Wondered?

7.15 Breakfast 9.00 CBBC: Yvon of the Yukon 9.25 Arthur 9.50 UBOS 10.10 Mona the Vampire 10.25 Bring It On 10.50 The Wild Thornberrys 11.15 Jubilee 2002: The Blue Peter Jubilee Party 12.15 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002: South Korea v Poland 2.30 FILM: Black Beauty 4.10 FILM: Star Trek: The Motion Picture For postgrad journo’s only.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Queen's Jubilee 9.35 World Cup 2002 Live: Japan v Belgium Hmm, Belgium or Japan? Choclate or sushi? TV’s or beer?

Nakata or Mpenza? Reckon I’ll go for a draw on this one, 1-1.

12.15 The Queen's Jubilee 1.45 This Morning Jubilee Special 3.30 The Queen's Jubilee Gemma C reckons the new Star Wars film is “a stinking pile of jizz”. Crikey and I though I hated Phantom Menance, which could only have been worse if it starred Macauley Culkin. “I’m Anakin”, FUCK OFF!

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 9.55 Planed Plant: Uned 5 O'r Maes 10.00 Planed Plant: Band Uned 5 10.10 Cnafon Coed 10.40 Planed Plant: Chwedlau'r Byd 11.00 Sister Sister 11.30 Popworld 12.00 FANatic 12.30 Pet Rescue 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Super Crocodile 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Alvin and the Chipmunks 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 US PGA Golf: Kemper Insurance Open 2.20 FILM: Murder at the Gallop 3.50 FILM: To Face Her Past 5.30 5 News

6.15 BBC News 7.00 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 Highlights of Japan's Group H match against Belgium from Saitama; South Korea's Group D fixture against Poland in Busan; and China's Group C match against Costa Rica in Gwangju.

8.00 EastEnders Billy finds Janine collapsed in the allotments. She’s probably been out “hoe-ing”. Fnarr.

Sorry.

8.30 Holby City 9.30 Spooks Anti-capitalist demonstrations are growing in intensity as President Bush prepares to visit the UK. Eh? reality and fantasy collide on prime time BBC1. Costarring Mr Ben. 10.30 BBC News 10.55 Regional News and Weather 11.00 Johnny Vaughan's World Cup Extra 11.30 FILM: Billion Dollar Brain With Mike Caine, again. Even Ken Russel can’t save this one. Pissingly pisspoor.

1.20 Sign Zone: Would Like to Meet 2.20 Sign Zone: 4 x 4 Reports 2.50 Sign Zone: Queen and Country 3.50 Sign Zone: See Hear on Saturday 4.35 Joins BBC News

6.25 TOTP2 Artists include the Bluebells and Paul McCartney. Oh dear.

6.45 Star Trek: Voyager 7.30 Your Money or Your Life Yeah, capitalists!

8.00 Rough Science 8.30 The Best Cookery 9.00 A History of Britain by Simon Schama 10.00 The Falklands Play Ian Curteis' oncecontroversial dramatisation of how the Thatcher government went to war against Argentina to regain the Falkland Islands.

11.30 Storyville: The Jazzman from the Gulag This multi-award-winning film chronicles the adventures of legendary German-Jewish jazz musician Eddie Rosner, who was on tour when the Nazis came to power and so just kept on touring, before settling in Russia. After the war, however, he was sent to a Siberian gulag, and only survived because of his awesome talent. Crikey O’Reilly!

12.30 BBC Learning Zone: 1.00 Controlling Carnival Crowds?

1.50 Ever Wondered?

2.00 Secondary Schools: 4.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 5-6

6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 The Queen's Story But what has she actually achieved? How has she contributed to the world, besides making the taxpayer that bit poorer? All she does is shake hands while her aides scrape up corgi shit.

8.00 Emmerdale Look, I’m not gonna bother okay? It’s only gone be something like “While the street enjoy the Jubilee celebrations, Tess faces some home truths.”

Why are the soaps writing stories around this event, and why this one? Why not September 11th or the FA Cup final? I don’t understand. I hate the Queen.

8.30 Bertie and Elizabeth 10.30 ITV News 11.10 World Cup 2002 Highlights of Japan v Belgium, South Korea v Poland, and China v Costa Rica. Plus views from the ITV panel, and previews of Republic of Ireland v Germany, and England v Argentina.

12.55 Tin Gods 1.25 Dreamland 2.15 World Cup 2002: South Korea v Poland 4.00 World Sport 4.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.45 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 Angharad Llwyd presents highlights of the day's competitions at the Urdd National Eisteddfod in Cardiff. 9.00 The Edwardian Country House 10.00 Pen Tennyn 10.30 Big Brother 11.05 V Graham Norton Graham 11.35 FILM: Brassed Off 1.35 Tourist Police 2.05 FILM: Room at the Top 4.05 Trans World Sport

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Tom struggles with the beer order.

This is the real listing. I might even watch this now.

Nah, fuck it, I’ll watch the footie instead. Tossing channel 5.

7.00 5th Gear 7.30 5 News 8.00 Throwing a Sickie About how we throw sickies while the World Cup is on.

Umm..how interesting viewing this will be I don’t know. Clever title too.

9.00 FILM: The Postman 12.20 NHL Ice Hockey Live - Stanley Cup Game One 4.30 Major League Soccer: LA Galaxy v Colorado Rapids Gemma C: “Jimi Goodwin just slipped out of my mouth.” You wish dearie.

Apparently he has a “man beard” not only on his face. Bluuerrgh! Alex is being a skiving twunt along with Amy “da butterbitch” leaving Nick and I to struggle on. Oh, Gemma’s just said she’s “missing her twelve-inch”, she’s a walking innuendo machine, that girl.

Thanks for the e.mails you’ve sent us, although I am starting to question the sanity of our readership. And our writers.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 T4 9.30 T4: Popworld 10.00 T4: The Players 10.35 T4: The Players 11.10 T4: FANatic Chat 11.40 T4: As If 12.10 Suddenly Susan 12.35 ER 1.30 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.10 Kids' Art 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 5.00 FILM: Ghostbusters II 6.55 Channel 4 News 7.00 Fact or Fiction 8.00 Other People's Houses 9.00 Cutting Edge: Classroom Cops 10.00 Big Brother10.35 V Graham Norton 11.10 Oz 12.20 Tourist Police: Turkey sent 12.50 Paperboys1.35 Big Brother 2.05 Best 2.35 Facing the Music

Holby City 8.30pm BBC1

A Historyof Britain 9.00pm BBC2

The Queen’ Story 7.00pm ITV1

Cutting Edge 9.00pm C4

CHOICE Storyville: Jazzman from the Gulag BBC 2,11.30 pm Jazz. Home of the self indulgent? Music for those who value the enjoyment of playing over the enjoyment of listening?

The musical equivalent of

masterbation?(Fnarr). Hmm...I don’t know, I asked DC Gates but his answer was too intelligent for to me understand. Anyway, this documentary sounds very interesting, if not exactly light viewing, but hey, we can’t live in a world of tits and footie forever. No matter how hard we try.

The Falklands Play

BBC 2,10.00 pm Hey, classy choices this week. This reminds of a French journalist who described the Falklands war as “Two bald men, fighting over a comb”. Those French eh? It’s sometimes hard to believe they enjoy bombing Greenpeace boats and Pacific islands.

Controversial as always....

Tuesday 4th June

BBC 1

Today’s Highlights

Tuesday

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Television

15

5 June

Wednesday HTV

S4C

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 9.45 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002: USA v Portugal 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Just Good Friends 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Dennis the Menace 4.10 Rugrats 4.35 Even Stevens 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

7.00 CBBC: The Lampies 7.10 Arthur 7.35 Rugrats 8.00 Get Your Own Back 8.25 C Bear and Jamal 8.45 Sheeep 9.00 CBeebies: Bob the Builder 9.10 The Story Makers 9.25 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.55 Teletubbies 10.50 Tweenies 11.30 Postman Pat 11.45 Heartbreak High 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Bob the Builder 1.10 FILM: A Farewell to Arms 3.40 Afoot Again in the Past 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News and Weather 4.00 Trading Up in the Sun 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 7.00 World Cup 2002 Live: Russia v Tunisia 9.45 This Morning 11.45 ITV News; Weather 11.55 HTV News and Weather 12.00 World Cup 2002 Live: Germany v Republic of Ireland 3.00 ITV News 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.20 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 3.40 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 4.05 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Enough already!

4.30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.00 Trisha Exposes... Fnarr

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Planed Plant Urdd 2002: Penigamp 9.35 Planed Plant Urdd 2002: Mas Draw 10.05 Planed Plant: Uned 5 O'r Maes 10.10 Planed Plant: Band Uned 5 10.15 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 10.45 Planed Plant: Wali Wags 11.00 Sister Sister 11.30 Popworld 12.00 FANatic 12.30 Pet Rescue 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 News.

6.05 Wedi 6

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Alvin and the Chipmunks 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Quest for Justice 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 Highlights of the Group E match between the Republic of Ireland and Germany; Russia's fixture against Tunisia in Group H; and Portugal's match against the United States in Group D. 7.55 Guns and Roses Not about Axel ans Slash, but Sandhurst military academy, which is probably slighty less interesting. Y’know that Sandhurst trained Robert Mugabe? I wonder if they trained him election fixing and intimidation too? The mind doth boggle.

8.55 The National Lottery Is Billy Connoly hard-up or something? Why lower yourself for such a crap cause. Bill Hicks would have a few words to say. If he wasn’t dead. Sob. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Bench 11.05 Crimewatch UK 11.15 God Save the Queen 11.55 FILM: The Eiger Sanction 2.05 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2.50 Sign Zone: Ice Dogs 3.20 MacIntyre Investigates

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 Featuring Baddiel and Skinner, Black Grape, the Shadows, Glenn and Chris, Fat Les, and Englandneworder.

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 The Motivators 8.00 Would Like to Meet 9.00 Murder 9.50 Black Cab 10.00 Dossa and Joe 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Penelope Keith Lady of the Manor Was upset to see that Penelope Keith was included in the “borderline boilers” (Your head says no, your bollocks say go) list. I always thought she was very pert.

Hmm...pert...

11.50 Back to the Floor: Central Park 12.20 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Flexible Work Insecure Lives 1.00 Mr Moore Runs for Washington 1.50 Ever Wondered? 2.00 Secondary Schools: English: Poetry for GCSE and Poetry Backpack 4.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 7-8 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism: In Europe

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 The Queen's Story 8.00 Emmerdale 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Lads' In times of war, we rely on this nations most stupid. A scary thought.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 World Cup 2002 Matt Smith presents highlights of Germany v Republic of Ireland. Hopefully Duff and Robbie Keane will have torn Germany’s defence apart leaving them beaten and humilitated. With Jancker scoring an own-goal.

11.35 HTV News 11.45 FILM: If Looks Could Kill Phil Neville would be a serial killer.

1.25 World Cup 2002: Germany v Republic of Ireland 3.10 ITV at the Festivals 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News I’ve decided to ask eveyone to give me their prison-bitch names: Nick: The permeable papist.

Charlotte: Skin Flautist Gates: Bung-boy Bladon: Catchers’ mitt Gemma C: Deep throat Me: Squeeling piglet.

Courtesy of prisonbitchname.com

6.30 C'mon Midffild 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News.

8.00 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 9.00 ER 10.00 Big Brother 10.30 Brookside 11.05 Brookside 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 Jackass 12.35 Oz 1.45 FILM: Blood Simple 3.35 Catastrophe - The Day the Sun Went Out CH4. As S4C except: 9.00 T4 9.30 T4: Popworld 10.00 T4: The Players 10.35 T4: FANatic 11.10 T4: As If 12.10 Suddenly Susan 12.35 ER 1.30 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Xfire 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Kids' Art 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Brookside 9.00 ER 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Ally McBeal 12.00 4 Music: Ibiza TV 12.40 4 Music: Pioneers.

12.55 4 Music: 4 Play 1.25 4 Music: Flava 2.00 Big Brother 2.25 ER 3.20 FILM: Ed McBain's 87th Precincta 4.50 Vee-TV 5.15 Countdown

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Kelly is surprised to find that Maggie has feelings for her.

Ginny is determined to wash her hands of Jude. Another day, another load of gay subtext from this show. What are they playing at?

7.00 Danger! 50,000 Volts A light-hearted look at the spiralling number of vibrator electrocutions in this country.

Sorry, actually some toss about thunderstorms. Wooo..

7.30 5 News 8.00 FILM: Blind Date 9.55 5 News Update 10.00 FILM: Nightmare on Elm Street 3. As shite as the other 90 sequels, one suspects.

11.55 NFL Europe American football action from NFL Europe week 8.

12.20 Major League Baseball 4.00 Major League Baseball Replay 5.00 Australian Rules Football Charlotte just told me her string gag. A poor joke, but dragged into respectability by her expert delivery. I think she’s gone mad actually, I’m hiding the cutlery as we speak. Buy her a pint at Lash and she may well tell you it.

You have been warned.

CHANNEL 5

God Save the Queen BBC1 11.15pm

Would Like to Meet...

BBC2 8.00pm

Emmerdale ITV1 8.00pm

Ally McBeal C4 11.05pm

CHOICE Blood Simple S4C, 1.45am

This is the Coen brothers’ first film and I’ve always wanted to see this. I honestly think that the Coen’s are the best directors of our time and it’ll be interesting to see how this

compares to their other films. Not that they’ve ever made a bad film that I’ve seen anyway. Cracking stuff.

Thank you Mr Channel 4 man, and if you can stop S4C from showing the same rugby match as BBC2 at the same frigging time, I’ll marry you and have your babies.

Guns and Roses BBC1, 7.55pm

Welcome to the jungle punk! Or BBC 1 on a Wednesday evening more accurately. Expect some top military nutter action, with no mention of Robert Mugabe. Perhaps the eternal question of why all squaddies are tossers might get answered. Or not.

Wednesday 5th June

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

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Television

16

6 June

Thursday

Daytime

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

6.00 Breakfast 7.15 World Cup: Denmark v Senegal “0-0. Senegal to hit post 11 times” 9.30 Kilroy 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.15 World Cup: France v Uruguay “France,few goals” 2.30 Neighbours 2.55 Just Good Friends 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Dennis the Menace 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 There's a Viking in My Bed 4.35 Jackie Chan Adventures 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

6.00 OU 6.30 Images of the Cosmos: Good Seeing 7.15 Breakfast 9.00 Andy Pandy 9.10 The Story Makers 9.25 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.55 Teletubbies 10.50 Tweenies 11.30 Postman Pat 11.45 Heartbreak High 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Afoot Again in the Past 2.00 FILM: Arrowhead 3.40 Trade Secrets 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News 4.00 Trading Up in the Sun 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 ITV News 9.30 World Cup 2002 Live: Cameroon v Saudi Arabia “3-0, Cameroon” 12.10 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 12.40 The New Generation 1.10 This Morning 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.20 Cardcaptors 3.45 Cardcaptors 4.05 Cardcaptors 4.30 Cardcaptors 5.00 Trisha Exposes...

Britain's Biggest Love Rats “The Great Soprendo and Bella Emberg.” No Dave, biggest in terms of reputation not size. Deacon.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ty Gwenno 9.55 Band Uned 5 10.00 Uned 5 O'r Maes 10.10 Labordy 5-4-3-2-1 10.25 Wali Wags 10.40 Phillip 11.00 Sister Sister 11.30 Popworld 12.00 FANatic 12.30 Pet Rescue 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 News.

6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Ar y Bocs 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 9.00 Treats from the Edwardian Country House:

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Alvin and the Chipmunks 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Bonanza: Under Attack 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today 7.00 World Cup Highlights of Cameroon and Saudi Arabia,France face Uruguay, and Denmark meet Senegal.

7.55 EastEnders Kat is determined to drown her sorrows, but is caught at her most vulnerable by a surprise visitor. Possibly DC Gates catching the smell of lash.

Lynne discovers Zoe's guilty secret. Phil asks Sharon out for a drink. Who could refuse?

8.25 FILM: The Italian Job Awesome! This is as good as they say. If you haven’t seen it, watch this. This means you, Charlotte. Perfect jingoism for the World Cup. My guess is that they run down the fuel in the bus so that it tips up the other way.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 FILM: Not in This Town Drama about one woman's fight against a small group of extremists spreading racial hatred in a small community.Dr Fox, have you been up to your tricks again? She launches a campaign after her son becomes a target.1.10 Sign Zone: Tomorrow's World 1.40 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 This Land: Under Siege 8.00 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: Dartmoor Presented by Alan Partridge.

8.30 Panic Mechanics 9.00 The Hunt for Britain's Paedophiles S Club Tots.

10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Vine.

11.20 Gods of Brazil: Storyville The story of legendary Brazilian footballers Pele and Garrincha. Garrincha – He smoked, he drank, he shagged. Watch and learn, Best!

12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Final Frontier 1.00 The Next Big Thing 1.35 Background Brief 1.50 What Have the 80s Ever Done for Us? 2.00 The Cretaceous Greenhouse: a Surfeit of Carbon 2.30 Open Advice 3.00 The Challenge 3.30 Curriculum Development: Literacy - The Write Way 2: Secondary 4.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 9-10 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism: The Future

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Marlon and Tricia struggle with temptation. Give in kids, it gives us fnarrs.

7.30 Wales This Week with Paddy French, Catherine Gorman, James Stewart and Craig Hooper. James Stewart! Awesome! “Hum, haw, weeell Wales, hum haw” Improbably, shagged Marlene Deitrich.

8.00 The Bill 9.00 Bad Girls 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 World Cup Highlights Plus a preview of tomorrow's matches, including England v Argentina.

11.35 HTV News 11.45 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 12.15 Night and Day 1.15 Riders and Rich Kids 1.40 World Cup 2002: France v Uruguay 3.20 Cybernet 3.45 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Thanks to Martin Parsons for emailing GRTVDESK@HOTMAIL.C OM to prove that there are people with emptier lives than us. Please wire us money.

Entertaining 9.30 Brookside 10.00 Big Brother 10.35 Procar Poeth 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 The Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert 12.35 South Park 1.05 Strippers 1.35 FILM: Whore Directed

by Ken Russell. 3.10 The Entity 4.10 Third Watch

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 The Pepsi Chart With Will Young’s ‘Light My Fire’.

Christ, bring back Mike Flower’s Pops.

7.30 5 News 8.00 Argy Bargy Documentary about the footballing rivalry between England and Argentina.

Frankly, I blame Thatcher.

9.00 FILM: Frank and Jesse With Rob Lowe and Bill Paxton. Clean & boring.

I’d much rather watch Rob Lowe’s home videos.

11.10 Sex and Shopping Carol Smillie gives contestants £50 and sends them to Private Lines on Mill Lane 11.40 Sex and Shopping: Happy as Larry Its about Larry Flynt. Presumably, hot as mustard.

12.10 NHL Ice Hockey Live - Stanley Cup Game Two 4.30 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v Newell's Old Boys.

Yeah, please send us money.

I’m sitting here, providing you with the finest in free entertainment when I could actually be earning money as a male escort or summat. I’ve got a hole in my Serge Gainsbourg trainers and I can’t afford new ones!

CHOICE Film: The Italian Job BBC1, 8.25pm Genuine classic, even if it has been highjacked by Viscount Guy Ritchie and his cockernee firm. Great fun, featuring Caine, Noel Coward, John Le Mesurier and Benny

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 T4 9.30 Popworld 10.00 T4: The Players 10.35 FANatic 11.10 As If 11.40 As If 12.10 Suddenly Susan 12.35 ER 1.30 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Friends 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Kids' Art 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Treats from the Edwardian Country House: Entertaining 9.00 Secret History: The Charge of the Light Brigade 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 South Park 11.40 Carling Homecoming 12.40 Big Brother 1.10 The History of Hardcore 2.05 Dogma TV: all-the-way.co.uk 2.30 ICC Cricket World 3.00 Trans World Sport 3.50 GT on 4 4.15 Speedway Grand Prix 5.10 Countdown 5.55 The Clangers

CHANNEL 5

Hill. Oh, and some minis. Apparently, they’re planning on remaking this in LA, which may be as good as Sly Stallone’s Get Carter.

Gods of Brazil: Storyville BBC2, 11.20pm Should be a bit of an education this, hopefully featuring mainly on the astounding talent of

Eastenders BBC1 7.55pm

Panic Mechanics BBC2 8.00pm

Today’s Highlights

Evening

BBC 1

The Bill ITV1 8.00pm

Secret History C4 9.00pm

Garrincha, who’s generally regarded in Brazil as superior to Pele. Arguably the most skilful player ever and pure natural talent, since Garrincha devoted most of his time to consuming cigarrettes and women. Really, the man didn’t give a shit and died due to alcoholism. And he had bowed legs. A welcome injection of style to the World Cup coverage.

Television

7 June

Daytime Evening

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Big Strong Boys 10.30 Bargain Hunt 11.00 Parkinson 11.50 Match of the Day: England v Argentina Who’s gonna win the World Cup, DC? “Scientist!” Twat.

2.45 Racing from Epsom 4.10 Cubix 4.35 S Club 7: Don't Stop Movin' 5.00 Bring It On 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Steph rejects Mark's extravagant gift. Fnarr! Harold is stunned

by Lou's greed and inhumanity. Shurely shum mishtake?

6.00 OU 6.50 Ever Wondered? 7.00 The Lampies 7.10 Arthur 7.35 Rugrats 8.00 Short Change 8.25 C Bear and Jamal 8.45 Sheeep 9.00 Pablo the Little Red Fox 9.10 The Story Makers 9.25 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.55 Teletubbies 10.50 Tweenies 11.30 Postman Pat 11.45 Heartbreak High 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Racing from Epsom 2.45 Ready Steady Cook 3.15 BBC News 3.20 Tweenies 3.45 Dennis the Menace 4.10 Racing from Epsom 5.15 Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 7.00 World Cup 2002 Live: Sweden v Nigeria 10.00 World Cup 2002 Live: Spain v Paraguay 12.00 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 12.30 Storm Force 1.00 This Morning 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Clueless 3.40 Clueless 4.05 Clueless 4.30 Clueless 5.00 Trisha Exposes...

Britain's Biggest Love Rats Regaling the tragic tale of when Roland Rat cheated on Whybird with Fingermouse.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Planed Plant 9.35 Ty Gwenno 10.00 Urdd 2002: Uned 5 O'r Maes 10.10 13'13` Munud o Enwogrwydd 10.30 Yr Enwog Ffred 11.00 Sister Sister 11.30 Popworld 12.00 FANatic 12.30 Pet Rescue 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 C'mon Midffild 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Alvin and the Chipmunks 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. Guests are royal reporter Jennie Bond and Ben Fogle from Castaway. Bloody Nice Bloke.

7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Billy tries to be a true friend to an unwilling Janine. Fnarr!

8.30 My Hero Serge Gainsbourg; DC Gates 9.00 Have I Got News for You 9.30 Blackadder the Third 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Guests include Ronnie Corbett.

Legend!

11.20 Johnny Vaughan's World Cup Extra 11.50 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 Highlights of England's crucial game against arch-rivals Argentina, plus action from Sweden's v Nigeria, and Spain v Paraguay.

12.50 Re:covered 1.25 FILM: The Lottery Dale Winton desperately tries to revive a flagging Saturday night concept. The nation doesn’t give a shit.

2.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Night Before the Derby 6.45 Robot Wars: The Fifth Wars 7.30 Small Town Gardens 8.00 The Curious Gardeners 8.30 Gardeners' World 9.00 Wellington: The Iron Duke: A Thirst for Reputation Wellington’s thirst leads him to call Brain’s, with a view to taking charge of The Wellington, in The Hayes. His reputation is secured with the ‘Smelly Welly’ cocktail.

9.50 Jeremy Clarkson Meets the Neighbours: Germany Kind of like a televisual ‘Sun.’ 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Vine.

11.00 Newsnight Review with Margaret Reynolds, Paul Morley and Ian Rankin.

11.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 12.15 Robot Wars: The Fifth Wars 1.00 FILM: The Young and the Reckless: Jailbreakers With Shannen Doherty .

Directed by William Friedkin. Shannen takes a break from C5, while Friedkin works for food.

3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: English

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Seth overcomes his scruples and switches the webcam back on. Christ, cancel my subscription to Hothandlebaraction.com!

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 World Cup 2002: Argentina v England Jingoistic twats kick seven shades of shit out of each other.

10.00 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 4 Worst piece of scheduling, evverrr! HTV lose the entirety of their football viewers to BBC. 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.20 HTV News 11.30 High Performance Nicola Heywood-Thomas looks at the arts in Wales. It stretches to half an hour!

Where’s the funding, Gordon Brown? Get to Howard Gardens tomorrow!

12.00 Veronica's Closet 12.35 Dial-a-Date 1.05 Dare to Believe 1.35 Veronica's Closet 2.00 World Cup 2002: Argentina v England 3.40 Box Office America 4.05 World Football 4.35 Judge Judy 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

8.00 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 9.00 Big Brother 9.30 Father Ted 10.00 Big Brother 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.10 Big Brother Live 1.15 4Car at Le Mans 1.45 ICC Cricket World 2.15 FILM: Death Race 2000 3.45 Formula 3 on 4 4.15 To the Ends of the Earth

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Tim Marlow on Tate Modern 7.30 5 News 8.00 Great Battles of World War II: Monte Cassino 9.00 FILM: Murder at 75 Birch Chilling fact-based drama about a man suspected of killing his wife. No proof can be found, but when he starts to court his brother's widow, she begins to have suspicions. The smart cookie.

10.55 FILM: Walnut Creek Erotic thriller. A new foreperson at the Walnut Creek ranch wreaks sexual havoc with his employers and their daughter. Jings, Crivvens, Help ma Boab!

1.00 FILM: Orphans With Albert Finney and Matthew Modine. Sombre drama in which two orphaned brothers, living in a rundown house, kidnap a wellheeled drunk for ransom but then find their `victim' is more than a match for them.

Go Gates, Go! Directed by Alan J Pakula.

2.55 FILM: The Foreman Went to France 4.20 Xena: Warrior Princess 5.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

CHOICE The Argument Channel 4, 5.05 am Rare short film from Donald Cammell, genius co-director of Performance and director of Demon Seed, White of the Eye and Wildside. Cammell shot himself in such a way that he could watch himself die. This

CH4. As S4C except: 9.00 T4 9.30 Popworld 10.00 The Players 10.40 FANatic 11.10 As If 11.40 As If 12.10 Suddenly Susan 12.35 ER 1.30 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Big Brother's Little Brother 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 4Car at Le Mans 8.00 So You Think You Want... to Be a Blonde 8.30 Big Brother 9.00 Friends 9.30 Will and Grace 10.00 Big Brother 1.15 Best Friends: Gill and Leann 1.45 onedottv 2.15 Third Watch 3.00 FILM: The Mission With Robert De Niro and Jeremy Irons.

5.05 The ArgumentWatch this!

5.20 Countdown

followed the butchering of Wildside by the Italian lesbian porn company who were the only financiers who would touch him.

Wildside has since been restored into The Greatest Film Ever, starring TVDesk pinup Christopher Walken. Alternatively, a less cerebral affair is: England V Argentina BBC 1, 11.50 am

Albion’s sprightly corinthians fend off the Argie threat. Remember Goose Green lads!

Remember the sacrifices that TVDesk fave Simon Weston has made for us! This TVDesk’s not for turning! Ban free school milk! Frankly, I don’t give a shite and Sports Desk aren’t here to beat me up.The Argies are clearly going to win comfortably. PS: The Malvinas are geographically situated next to Argentina.

My Hero BBC1 8.30pm

Wellington: The Iron Duke BBC2 9.00pm

TV’s Naughtiest Blunders ITV1 10.00pm

So You Think You Want...

C4 8.00pm

Friday 7th June

BBC 1

Today’s Highlights

Friday

17

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Television

18

8 June

Saturday S4C

7.00 Spot's Musical Adventures 7.10 The Shiny Show 7.35 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.50 Flint the Time Detective 8.15 Yvon of the Yukon 8.40 Super Duper Sumos 9.05 Rugrats 9.30 Parkinson 9.45 Match of the Day Live: Italy v Croatia 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Superbikes Special 1.00 Derby Day Grandstand 1.05 Racing from Epsom 4.50 BBC News; Weather 5.05 Wales Today 5.10 Rugby Union: Zurich Championship Final

7.00 Weekend 24 8.15 See Hear on Saturday 9.00 Weekend 24 9.30 The Saturday Show 12.00 Saturday Kitchen 1.50 French Open Tennis 2002 Why doesn’t Henman put a shotgun to his head & put us all out our misery?

3.40 FILM: Maverick Queen Betty rushes on stage to suck Ozzy’s cock and twats Phil Collins with a mic stand. In the words of Princess Margaret, “Picky, picky, get no dicky!”

Awesome!

5.05 Malcolm in the Middle 5.30 FILM: D-Day the Sixth of June War-time love triangle fuck-ups.

6.00 GMTV 7.00 World Cup 2002 Live: South Africa v Slovenia 9.45 SMTV Live 11.30 Stuff 12.00 ITV News 12.05 HTV News 12.10 World Cup 2002 Live: Brazil v China 3.00 British Touring Cars 4.00 CD:UK 5.00 HTV News 5.10 ITV News 5.25 Lily Savage's Blankety Blank With the help of celebrity panellists Amanda Barrie, Darren Day, Lesley Garrett, Kevin Kennedy, Patsy Palmer and Tommy Walsh. Oh my days! Pinch me and I’ll wake up!

6.10 The Hoobs 7.00 F3 on 4 7.30 ASCAR Racing 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Planed Plant Urdd 2002: Ty Gwenno 10.25 Planed Plant Urdd 2002: Uned 5 O'r Maes 10.35 Cricket Roadshow 11.30 Smallville: Superman 12.15 Stargate SG-1 1.00 World Rally Shakedown 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces 3.00 FILM: Aces High 5.00 In Your Face: The Building Staff, Holkham Hall, by Andrew Festing 5.15 The Lost Dinosaurs of Egypt 5.45 Noson Lawen I'w Chofio

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 8.00 Klootz 8.05 Fat Dog Mendoza 8.30 Mega Babies 8.55 The Powerpuff Girls 9.20 Xcalibur 9.50 Max Steel 10.20 Animal Xtremes 10.35 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 11.30 Zoe 12.00 5 News Saturday 12.30 The Pepsi Chart 1.00 Young Americans 1.55 The Tribe 3.00 Home and Away Omnibus 5.10 FILM: Who's That Girl With Madonna

6.05 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 Italy and Croatia, as well as South Africa's match against Slovenia, and Brazil's meeting with China.

7.00 Remotely Funny ‘Cuddly’ Eamon Holmes scenes. Title all too accurate 7.30 The National Lottery: In It to Win It Billy Connelly disolves in a vat of pilchard innards. Serves him right for taking the dollar.

Pink bearded twunt.

8.15 Casualty Man climbs ladder. Man falls off. Charlie has relationship issues with nurse. No-one gives shit.

9.05 Fields of Gold Rip off X-Files 10.35 BBC News; Weather 10.55 Summer Sensations Mark Lamarr presents summer hits. Weakly.

11.45 Derby Day Highlights 12.05 FILM: Darkman II: The Return of Durant “Melting faced ugly boy kills fat bloke in van.” Cheers Onions. Any more to add?

“It’s rubbish”. That’ll do, thank-you.

1.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2.25 Top of the Pops 2.55 Joins BBC News 24 Note to XPress: Please get a bog brush. Your pan is filthy and encrusted.

7.15 Omnibus: Who Killed Caravaggio? Christ! What’s with all this football? As if there aren’t enough programmes about Italian defenders. Enough of these World Cup tie-ins already.

8.15 The Hollywood Machine: Shut It Down 9.05 The Kenneth Williams Story: A Reputations Special Willow-The-Wisp scenes.

10.35 Have I Got News for You Deaton smugly reflects on his new position as alphamale.

11.05 FILM: 2 Days in the Valley With Danny Aiello and Jeff Daniels. Aiello and Daniels spend a week with Dr Fox where they uncover his involvement with the Ku Klux Klan. Fox enacts his plan for a Valleys master race. However, he is thwarted by the entrance of Pearlo and Ariel Sharon. Gutted. Guess that rules out Alton Towers.

12.40 FILM: Quiz Show With John Turturro and Ralph Fiennes.Directed by Robert Redford. Real life drama covering Edwin Mead’s romps with Richard Whiteley.

3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Science 3: Chemistry

6.00 You've Been Framed!

Great idea guys! Let’s follow Gates round with a camcorder. Easiest £200 evverrr!

6.30 The Vault 7.15 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway And an exclusive performance from Gareth Gates.

8.15 Family Fortunes Les sits on his doorstep all night, begging slapper Amanda to take him back before giving up and poisoning their dogs.

8.45 ITV Weekend News 9.00 The Brian Conley Show Guests include Michael Bolton and Simon Cowell.

10.00 After They Were Famous 10.30 World Cup 2002 Highlights from all three of today's games – South Africa v Slovenia, Italy v Croatia, and Brazil v China.

11.45 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Qualifying 1.15 World Cup 2002: Brazil v China “Cocaine Vs Opium: You decide” Cheers Onions.

2.55 Dial-a-Date 3.20 CD:UK 4.15 Cybernet 4.40 Box Office America 5.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.45 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.00 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Caerdydd A'r Fro 2002 12.00 Big Brother 12.30 Big Brother Live 2.10 FILM: Enemies, a Love Story C’mon! That doesn’t make sense!

6.50 Charmed DC Gates presents a charm school for delinquents. This week, how to mix the perfect John Collins.

7.40 The Spiderman Story Wake up, spin web, eat fly, go to work in suit and tie.

Cheese. Er, thanks Onions.

8.40 5 News and Sport 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Law and Order 10.55 Tyson: The Baddest Man on the Planet Documentary on how rapists can support the British economy.

11.55 Poltergeist: The Legacy When Sloan's plane crashes whilst carrying artefacts exhumed from a grave in France, a vengeful ghost is freed. Anyone ever seen a ghost? “Yeah, Ken Dodd’s career.” Fuck up, DC. 12.50 NHL Ice Hockey Live – Stanley Cup Game Three Featuring Emilio Estevez and Dan Ackroyd, maybe.

4.20 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys Son of a god lies about the girls he’s fucked. Onions, just get on the special bus and fuck off.

5.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

Evening

CH4. As S4C except: 6.05 Ivor the Engine 10.00 Cricket Roadshow 11.00 World Rally Shakedown 11.30 GT on 4 12.00 Vee-TV 12.30 Little House on the Prairie 5.00 Brookside 6.25 Channel 4 News 6.55 Romeo et Juliette Possibly the dirty Zeffirelli version. Awesome breast scenes in a Catholic school.

8.15 FILM: Carry On up the Khyber 10.00 Big Brother Live - the Task 10.30 Angel 11.30 Big Brother Live 1.10 FILM: Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte Nothing to do with Serge Gainsbourg.

Gutted.

3.35 Dark Skies 4.25 Code Name: All Fall Down 5.15 Countdown

CHANNEL 5

The National Lottery BBC1 7.20pm

24 BBC2 10.40pm

The Vault ITV1 8.10pm

CSI C5 9.00pm

CHOICE I’d Listen To The Radio If I Were You Any Bat Channel, Any Bat Time Christ! Fuck all on. Listen to the radio or have a nap or something. Hopefully, if there’s one

thing we’ve taught you this year, it’s that TV is shit and eats your brain. If that is all you’ve learned this year, I’ll be kissing my own arse with joy. Listen to some radio. Personally, I’ve got a soft spot for Johnathan Ross on Radio 2 of a Saturday morning. Is there a market for my radio coverage of Big Brother? Mail us: TVDesk@Hotmail.com. What radio shows do you love? ‘Mixing It’ says DC Gates; ‘I’m

Saturday 8th June

HTV

Today’s Highlights

BBC 2

Daytime

BBC 1

Sorry, I Haven’t a Clue’– Dan Onions (and he really hasn’t, C*nt – Dan); The ‘Today’ Programme – Cobley; yeah, as if you’re ever up to listen to it. Oh, and er Parkinson on Radio 2, Sunday mornings. Yeah, John Peel, good call Lydia. Not forgetting Elaye on XPress.So, there we have it. Radio: it’s better than TV. Even without the pictures. Have we ordered any pizza yet?

Television

19

9 June

Sunday

Evening

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

7.15 World Cup: Mexico v Ecuador 9.30 Breakfast with Frost 10.30 The Heaven and Earth Show Quality religious programming.

Watch this kids, so you don’t feel guilty about missing Mass.

11.30 Countryfile 12.00 Parkinson 12.15 World Cup: Japan v Russia 2.25 Keeping Up Appearances 2.55 EastEnders 4.45 My Hero 5.15 Points of View 5.30 BBC News; Weather 5.50 Regional News 5.55 Songs of Praise

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Yvon of the Yukon 9.25 Super Duper Sumos 9.45 Rugrats 10.00 S Club 7: Don't Stop Movin' 10.25 Even Stevens 10.50 Kenan and Kel 11.15 Due South 12.00 On the Record 1.00 homeground 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 World Superbikes 3.20 Surfing 3.35 Amateur Golf 4.30 French Open Tennis 2002 Tim Henman: Kind of a prissy Jamie Oliver, don’t you think? Retire and put yourself out of your selfrighteous misery. Twat.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 ITV News Headlines 9.30 World Cup 2002 Live: Costa Rica v Turkey 12.15 HTV News and Weather 12.20 Jonathan Dimbleby 1.20 My Favourite Hymns 2.20 That's Esther 2.50 Storm Force 3.15 Grass Roots 3.45 The Urdd Eisteddfod 2002 I sang in this when I was a kid. Didn’t get nowhere. But look at me now, eh?

4.45 HTV News and Weather 5.00 ITV News; Weather 5.15 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live

6.15 The Hoobs 6.45 The Hoobs 7.10 Angela Anaconda 7.40 Taina 8.10 Vee-TV 8.40 X-Fire 9.40 Hollyoaks Omnibus 11.30 4trac 12.00 Andromeda 12.50 Andromeda 1.35 Behind the Ultimate Spin: The Making of Spider-Man 2.05 King of the Hill 2.30 Yr Wythnos 3.00 Brookside Omnibus 4.25 Fact or Fiction: Boudica 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Byd Ar Bedwar: Yn Ol I'r Falklands 8.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 9.00 Pen Tennyn 9.30 Newyddion News.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 Miracles of Faith 7.00 Beachcomber Bay 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.05 Adventures from the Book of Virtues 8.35 Babar 9.05 Wishbone 9.35 Redwall 10.05 Tiger, Tiger 10.35 The New Adventures of Robin Hood 11.30 Date That 12.00 You Know What I'm Saying 12.30 5 News Update 12.40 Daria 1.10 Agrippine 1.35 Night Fever 2.30 FILM: Hellfighters 4.45 5 News 5.15 FILM: Fluke Touching tale of a young husband and father who is reincarnated as a dog called Fluke.

6.30 World Cup 2002 Gary Lineker introduces highlights from today's fixtures between Mexico and Ecuador in Group G, Japan and Russia in Group H, and Costa Rica and Turkey in Group C. 7.35 Only Fools and Horses 9.05 Fields of Gold 10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 Fields of Gold Longrunning cartoon about Aztec city. Is that right?

10.50 Johnny Vaughan's World Cup Extra 11.20 FILM: The Dogs of War With Christopher Walken and Tom Berenger.

Violent action tale about a mercenary who organises a coup to overthrow the African dictator who captured and tortured him.

Having been left for dead by his captor, the soldier manages to make his way home to America, where he rounds up a team of soldiers of fortune for a mission to overthrow the tyrannical leader. Adapted from the novel by Frederick Forsyth.

Directed by John Irvin.

Awesome! This is great!

Walken in awesome blowdry scenes. Puts my new haircut to shame. Get thee behind me, Sarah! It doen’t look anything like Brett Anderson!

1.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.15 A Taste of Hay Highlights of the week, including Maya Angelou, Philip Pullman, Ian McEwan, Helen Fielding, Bill Bailey, Mo Mowlam and Roger McGough. I’ve met Roger McGough. He’s a legend.

8.00 Correspondent Special: The Siege of Bethlehem 9.00 Pele: World Cup Hero 9.50 Celebrity Relics Mark Lamarr tracks down prized possessions of dead celebrities. Here he traces the Porsche in which James Dean died.

10.00 24 Starring Craig McLaughlan. Shit, no, that’s Bugs.

10.45 The X Files Scully investigates the strange case of an aged series which seems to survive well past it’s best by date.

11.30 Room 101 Actress Jessica Stevenson nominates Anne Robinson and crosscountry running.

12.00 FILM: Coupe de Ville Road movie that hits the gutter.

2.00 Exam Revision: Science 1: Physics 4.00 Talk Spanish 1-4 5.00 Working in the Community:Volunteers

7.50 Coronation Street 8.20 Where the Heart Is 9.20 FILM: Dante's Peak With Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton.

Depressingly average volcano ‘thriller’. Continues after news.

10.40 ITV Weekend News 10.55 FILM: Dante's Peak 11.30 World Cup 2002 Matt Smith presents the highlights from today's games between Mexico and Ecuador, Costa Rica and Turkey, and Japan and Russia. Plus the views of the ITV panel.

12.15 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Highlights 1.15 World Cup 2002: Japan v Russia 2.55 My Favourite Hymns 3.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Ok, World Cup predictions guys? My money’s on Italy. Bladon quite fancies Portugal.

Romantic fool. Pearlo goes for Italy too. Cobley reckons France. Nah, Italy. Solid defence, their best strikeforce in years and a good run in. I don’t give a shit, but if Brazil win, I’ve won an Adidas top from Coca-Cola. That’ll keep me warm on these cold Thursday nights. In the absence of Scotland. Gutted.

9.45 Father Ted 10.15 Big Brother 11.20 Ally McBeal 12.15 FILM: To Die For With Nicole Kidman 2.15 FILM: Blankman ‘Broad satire’ it says. That means cack.

4.00 Phantoms in the Brain CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Grabbit the Rabbit 6.05 The Clangers 7.10 Blue's Clues 7.35 Angela Anaconda 8.00 T4 8.30 Malibu 9.00 Taina Teen 9.30 Popworld 10.25 Hollyoaks 12.35 Big Brother 1.10 Big Brother 1.40 Big Brother's Little Brother 2.45 FILM: Two Rode Together 4.45 Andromeda 5.35 Stargate SG-1 6.30 Dinosaur Detectives - The Dorset Dinosaur 7.30 News 8.05 How to Break into Britain 9.00 The West Wing 10.00 Big Brother 11.05 Banzai 11.35 Sex Tips for Girls: Spicing it Up 12.10 Big Brother 1.10 Best Friends: 1.40 The Miracle Police 2.35 Tempting Faith: For God and Country 3.30 For God's Sake 4.20 Liberty! the American War of Independence: World Turned Upside Down 5.15 Countdown

7.05 Martial Law This week, Sammo Hung takes on JT Mouse for the title of most support slots played in Cardiff, evverrr!

8.05 Death Defying Thrills 9.00 FILM: Cocktail Awesome gaylord scenes!

Tom Cruise used to shag Cher! Fact!

11.05 Hard B-----ds: Kevin Houston Kate Kray presents a documentary series about men and women with criminal pasts. In this edition, she talks to tattoo parlour owner, restaurateur, boxing manager and allround geezer Kevin Houston.

11.35 Law and Order 12.35 Major League Baseball Live: Texas Rangers v Atlanta Braves 4.00 Major League Baseball Replay So much space, so much shit written already. It’s half one and I‘ve done four pages already.

How about a joke?

Knock! Knock!

“Hullo, we’re mormons!”

“Are you the sect with all the wives?”

“We are!”

“You should be bloody well hung!”

“We are!”

Ahh, I thank you and good night. Look, there’s only another week to go....

Auf Wierdershen, Pet BBC1 9.00pm

24 BBC2 10.00pm

Coronation Street ITV1 7.30pm

Big Brother C4 Various

CHOICE The Heaven and Earth Show BBC 1, 10.30am Has anyone else noticed the resemblance between DC Gates and Jesus? He’s got long hair, he can produce wine from unexpected places and er, he surrounds

himself with children.

Ho, ho, but seriously, if you’re up, this programme is hilariously dire. Phillipa Forrester desperately tries to present herself as a lust gateau after winning over the Robot Wars bearded onanists. Alice Beer interviews ‘celebrities’ (in the broadest sense). The deal is, they get to plug their latest provincial housewive’s tour as long as they admit to some kind of ‘spiritual’ inkling. Meanwhile, studio-

bound ‘experts’ inconclusively debate some moral non-event. If Kris Akabusi isn’t on this programme, then he bloody well should be. And it’s still more intelligent than Breakfast With Frost. On a personal note (just for once), there’s always been a spiritual element to TV Listings. Especially ‘cos of the bottle of Barcardi I’ve found in the office.

Complements the Stella beautifully. Not that you’d tell, eh readers?

Sunday 9th June

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

03.06.02

Focus

The Gair Rhydd Features Section Free Word 724

The call of Morocco

ABOVE: the camp in the Sahara and LEFT: the Cascades d’Ouzoud

Allahu akbar, allahu akbar, ashadu allah ila ha illallah sings in my head – male voices nestled high in minarets call Muslims to prayer. They echo each other; Allah reaches my ears from all areas of Fes. Alice Barnsdale reports on her life-changing travels through Morocco

I

SENSE A voice not more than ten metres away and yet the high walls and winding streets preserve his anonymity. He reminds me of his presence five times a day and his constancy is now a comfort to me now – he slips in

and out of my dreams blessing my sleep not disrupting it. My first visit to Morocco, however, as I lay with my rucksack strapped to the bed-frame in a hostel in Casablanca, does not hold such touching memories.

At 4am I was not prepared,

and I wondered how anyone could sleep through it! My relationship with Morocco has greatly changed in just one year. I am returning to live there with my boyfriend, Abdel ‘Aali, for two months this summer. It will be my fourth

trip since I first went with friends for three weeks last September.

Personally I am drawn to the side of travelling that delights in dodging the hot spots catered for the tourists’ needs and the assurance of a safe hotel nearby.

The magic of sleeping amidst towering piles of authentic Berber carpets in shops, in a room where the simplicity hits you with just a bed and a candle, or on sand dunes so that you awake with fine grains caught in the grooves of your body which for days after remind you where you have been, I cherish as authentic experiences. Paying twenty dirham (about £1.30) to sleep on terraces of hotels is far more appealing than staying in a stuffy room for more money. You are given bedding, and can chat with other travellers. You have the infinity of the night sky as your ceiling, and the sun as your alarm clock.

Despite the short time my friends and I spent in the Sahara, two nights gave us a valuable insight into the brutal but beautiful nature of the desert. We weren’t expecting to have to mount camels for the first time at midnight and set off into the unknown so late at night but I think it was my favourite memory of the trip. We swayed amidst shapes and forms silhouetted by the cool moonlight which was a great contrast to the blistering heat and landscape of bold orange that painted the canvas the next day. Somehow, much to everyone’s amusement, I even managed to fall off my camel – all part of the experience!

One night took us through the dunes to camp in a Berber tent (which is permanently erected for tourists), but the second day we experienced the impossibility of being able to sleep during the peak of the sun, flies constantly landing on your face, and no privacy to go to the bathroom or wash. But when we met and stayed with a nomadic family that night, I felt fortunate to see and understand how people have adapted to live in the desert and how a large tent can become a comfortable home. This may not appeal to all, however; many people are happy with just a camel ride through the dunes and

We swayed amidst shapes and forms silhouetted by the cool moonlight which was a great contrast to the blistering heat and landscape of bold orange that painted the canvas the next day

a night under the starry sky. But I am thankful I lived through such an experience that brought me closer to the reality of the desert.

Cascades d’Ouzoud, just north of Marrakesh, has to be one of my favourite places I have visited in Morocco. The bus drops you off at the turning leading to it, about ten miles away, so you have to take a taxi to get there.

The real gem of the place is crossing over the river as the bottom of the cascades and staying in a campsite further down by all the pools. Here life is back to basics in all sincerity.

There is no attempt to glamourise simplicity but rather an acceptance of it as normal. We drummed with Moroccans, helped with the cooking, slept where we ate and relaxed around campfires well into the night.

On one day a family of Moroccans, who I later found out was from Marrakesh, caught my eye. The attention was on the mother of the family. Leading the drumming as well as the singing, she ushered me over into their circle when she noticed me dancing further off. She tied a scarf around her waist and gesticulated for me to do the same. I felt I had entered a conquest although I was unsure of the rules and aims of the game. Those around her started a rhythm and she began to dance towards me. I copied her moves, advancing into the circle of eyes intrigued by the spectacle. We danced together until she demonstrated the power of her belly-dancing hip with one swoop that sent me flying!

Continued on page 14

INSIDE FOCUS THIS WEEK: Ever thought about a career in the army? Neither had FOCUS until we tried it. Find out how we got on as recruits for the day •World Cup Fever continues • Big Brother returns

We’re in the Focus • 12

Gair Rhydd Monday 3 May 2002

Ever though of the army as a career? FOCUS hadn’t either, so in the name of research our intrepid reporters Tristan Thomas and Sarah Hodson spent a weekend at the Royal Logistic Corps in Sandhurst to find out jut what the army can offer the University graduate. After their weekend, the prospect of drills and assault courses didn’t seem so bad after all...

I

T’S STRANGE that graduates rarely think about entering the army after university. Going travelling, yes. Getting some crap temping job while you decide what you want to do with your life, yes. But the army is something that never seems to appear as a career option for those who have just finished higher education.

Maybe it’s the stereotype of the traditional squaddie – an unintelligent man running around the countryside playing with guns and then going back to the mess to get pissed. It seems legions away from the nice 9-5 office job that most of us set up for ourselves after leaving uni.

But the truth is the army has a lot to offer young people with degrees. If you’ve graduated and manage to get through the year long training programme at Sandhurst, you can immediately enter at officer level and start to earn a cool £23,000. And as there are loads of Corps to choose from (for example the Medical arm and the Royal Engineers), you won’t necessarily have to fight on the front line.

So we set off to the depths of Surrey to take part in an induction day to get a taste of just what life in the army is like.

Cover our backs – we’re going in...

“W

e’ve got to get this right Sarah. It’s ‘zero nine hundred hours.’ The outside world is known as ‘Civvy Street.’ The war in Afghanistan is serving a purpose.” And so, shit scared that a more vocal incarnation of Mr T would be waiting on the other side of the gate, we entered Sandhurst.

For 24 hour hours we are, for all intents and purposes, a part of the Royal Logistics Corps, Her Majesty’s Army.

Our mission: to familiarise ourselves with the career opportunities afforded to graduates in the armed forces. And to survive.

Our minder for the day is Captain John West, and he is quick to accommodate us; “Don’t worry, we will be fluffy during your time here.”

Like Roy Keane promising to be

understanding, these words hardly console. Especially when a fellow ‘civvy’ claims that on her last familiarisation visit the first ‘exercise’ was to run two miles in nine minutes (thus, most of our first hour is spent explaining to the commanding officer that journalistic integrity is easily eroded by favouritism).

Only recently has the Army managed to meet officer recruitment targets. The familiarisation visit we attended was designed to encourage applicants to Sandhurst, the famous training college near Reading, and then to join the Royal Logistic Corp, who deal with things like transport, food and catering for the army.

Familiarisation visits are a chance for potential officers to visit the Corps, and are also a way for the army to test the physical and mental abilities of the applicants. This meant that a weekend of assault courses and tests were awaiting us. As sedentary students, we were not much looking forward to the physical activity part at all.

Unsurprisingly, we are treated very

“If you enjoy sport on a Wednesday, the university accommodation environment and the opportunity to travel, the Army could be the career path for you”

well. The rooms are spacious, and in many ways the set up resembles University Halls. Captain West agrees.

“If you enjoy sport on a Wednesday, the uni accommodation environment and the opportunity to travel, the Army is quite like being at University.”

There is, fortunately, no long distance run for us to contend with, although the Scouse soldier who is assigned to us can’t help screaming the obligatory, “last one to the obstacle course does twenty press-ups!”

The assault course is surprisingly fun, and particularly illuminating, as we both out pace several of our peers. Personally, I have always feared the army because I suspected the physical tests would embarrass me.

Captain West explains, “Certainly when you get to Sandhurst it’s tough, but there are people there to get you fit. The college entry tests simply require good general fitness.”

After a three-course meal, we enter the bar, adorned in lounge suit, as if attending the poshest of cocktail parties.

Constant reminders of the military’s dependence on the public school appear all around us.

Things are changing, but slowly. A fellow visitor standing next to me seems to be thinking likewise.

“One of the reason’s I’ve come to the Logistics Corp is that many of the other regiments won’t have me. My family name, my background, it just makes application impossible.”

I wonder privately if it has more to with the boyish fuzz on his upper lip.

Then I remember that in the army this will probably help rather than hinder. It’s probably deliberate.

The evening starts tensely. Many of our peers are having interviews to see if the Logistics Corp will sponsor them through Sandhurst.

The most boring man in the world comes to talk to us. We had deliberately avoided openly admitting that we wrote for a student paper, and several of the group were still enamoured by the prospect of meeting glamourous Fleet Street reporters.

Senghennydd Court? Talybont? Or the Officers Mess at the Royal Logistic Corps?

HIGHLY ADVANCED BRITISH WARFARE: six years intensive training just to stand on the barrel

“So what paper do you write for then?”

Bugger. Our not so elaborate façade begins to creak.

“Oh, gair rhydd, it’s a Welsh thing,” I mutter under my breath, hoping that this will pacify his annoying intrigue. It doesn’t, and the following conversation makes us look like, well, student journalists. We decide to get drunk on the cheapest alcohol either of us have ever seen.

We manage to find Lieutenant Liz Davies. At least the military PR machine won’t criticise us. I ask whether gay and lesbian soldiers are treated any differently. The reaction surprises us both.

“I would say that 90% of the women in the army are lesbians. But I’ve never heard of any of them experiencing any problems.”

Privately I’m desperate to pursue this line further. 90 percent? Does the porn industry know about this? Those tired Hockey team narratives should be kicked to the kerb. I ditch my plans to enter the Army and start thinking about a career as a megalomaniac pimp.

Sarah jolts me back to earth. Is it difficult to hold down a long-term relationship when living in the mess, as most officers start out doing?

“I’ve just bought a house with my boyfriend,” Liz tells us. “And I’m mainly based in the UK so it’s not such a problem.”

The morning after feels just that.

Lectures in the morning cover the enrolment procedure, the history of the

Royal Logistics Corps, and the Officer Commissioning course at Sandhurst.

An officer will command between 30 and 90 troops, with the Royal Logistics Corps specialising in supplying and providing the infrastructure for the other battalions. It is a particularly diverse battalion with jobs ranging from Chef to Ammunition Technician.

Sandhurst does sound like University, with the added bonus of nearly £20,000 per year, and a guaranteed high paid job after that.

The course currently takes 80% of its intake from University. It covers leadership skills, fighting, theoretical aspects of warfare, and resoundingly, fitness. Sport is encouraged, particularly (and tellingly) rugby.

Recruits live on site, participating in a range of classroom and physical activities for three 14 week terms.

Graduation guarantees Officer status.

Apparently there are also lessons in spiritual and moral awareness.

Presumably this is beaten out of recruits with a big stick prior to dispatchment.

Indeed, the subject of killing was notoriously absent from any lecture.

Although the Logistics Corp primarily avoids such action, recruits are still trained killers. And although we both felt on leaving that for students who still want to be students for a little while the army offers a fantastic deal, they never really stress that you will have to go to war should the need arise.

But for those who like to live in ignorance, the army could well be the career path for you.

army now

Gair Rhydd Monday 3 June 2002

Focus • 13

Physical fitness

NO LONGER A MAN’S WORLD: but according to our sources 90 percent of women in the army are lesbians

How to find out more To get a taste of army life, contact an Army Careers Advisor through the careers centre. They can give you an advisory interview and more information.

They can also arrange a trip to a regiment for an interview or familiarisation visits like those Tristan and Sarah went on which let you meet recently commissioned officers and see them at work.

The Army often visit the campus and seminars specifically for students. These provide details of Officer careers and a broad overview of life within the Army, as well as an opportunity to meet some Army Officers and find out more.

If you are thinking about a career in the Army there are briefing visits lasting for a day and a half to give you a thorough understanding of what the role of an Army Officer entails, as there are a number of stages to the selection process.

Undergraduate Bursary: £1,000 pa. £3,000 on graduation and entry into Officers’ training

Sandhurst Commissioning Course

Future officers complete a 44-week Commissioning Course at Sandhurst. This provides the foundation of military knowledge and skills with an emphasis on leadership development.

The Sandhurst course is described as physically and mentally demanding, fast moving but also varied. It provides essential instruction in leadership, tactics, map reading, skill at arms, drill, communication skills, administration, organisation as well as academic professional studies.

Once completed, they are commissioned as Second Lieutenants but receive an antedate of seniority for their degree and, hence, are paid as Lieutenants.

Postings

Straight after the introductory

Tristan and Captain John West

Army Officer’s Salaries

Once selected for Officer training, graduates will enter Sandhurst as Graduate Officer Cadets and will normally be sponsored by a particular regiment or corps.

course, candidates could find themselves commanding a platoon or troop of 30 soldiers or more and responsible for every aspect of their work, training and welfare.

The first posting lasts between 18 months and two years. With regular exercises with your soldiers at home or overseas, officers are expected to maintain military effectiveness, developing skills in the field, as well as those of the soldiers under them.

Depending on the commitments of the regiment, you may also be called upon to undertake an operational tour.

Further Study

Much of the experience, education and training in the Army gains for professional academic and vocational qualifications. Most officers have the opportunity to study for an MA, MSc or MDA which is a military MBA that is recognised in the commercial arena.

This usually happens when officers are in their early thirties.

The Army also provide the facilities for further academic and professional qualifications or membership of a chartered profession and some regiments are attached to civilian organisations which provide further opportunity to broaden experience.

RANK

ON APPOINTMENT: RISING TO:

Officer Cadet Second Lieutenant/Graduate Officer Cadet Lieutenant Captain Major Lieutenant Colonel Colonel

£12,330 pa. £19,495 £23, 433 £30, 025 £37, 821 £53, 086 £61, 473 £73, 737

£12, 330 £19, 495 £25, 897 £35, 708 £45, 297 £58, 681 £67, 925 £73, 737

Many people are put off the Army as they perceive that they must be extremely fit to undertake the intense physical strain. Admittedly, reaching and maintaining fitness is a large part of army life.

On the obstacle course a cadet acquires confidence and self-reliance, while in the swimming pool, life-saving and swimming in combat clothing are taught. In the gymnasium strength and agility are developed, and endurance marches increase the ability to resist fatigue.

The whole syllabus ensures that every cadet leaves Sandhurst in top physical condition. But aside from achieving a high standard of personal physical fitness, the cadet also learns how to organise and conduct physical and recreational training.

And the Army can provide an ideal opportunity to undertake adventurous training expeditions, such as climbing, sailing, caving, parachuting, diving and trekking. While advice is given during the planning stages, the success or failure of each expedition depends entirely upon the initiative, resourcefulness and courage of the officer cadets themselves.

There are also many of the activities that you’d find among the societies at Cardiff. Like

uni societies, the clubs at Sandhurst are run by the cadets themselves, and cater for every possible activity.

In addition to rugby, cricket, hockey and football, there are activities like squash, swimming, golf, rackets, rowing, lacrosse, netball, boxing and athletics. And just to prove themselves ever accessible to the public school mentality, there are field sports: beagles, a drag hunt, game shooting and fishing as well as a saddle club and pentathlon.

There are also many ‘indoor’ clubs at Sandhurst, including bridge, Scottish country dancing(!), debating, painting, photography, amateur dramatics.

Further information: The University of Wales Officer Training Corps 14 St Andrews Crescent Cardiff CF10 3DD Tel. 02920 340242 Email: wales@uotc.freeserve.co.uk

General enquiries: www.army.mod.uk 08457 300111

Gair Rhydd Monday 3 June 2002

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Time is running out if you want to make your mark on student media before the end of the year. It’s never too late to get involved with Gair Rhydd – we always appreciate interest from anyone with enthusiasm and commitment, no matter how good or experienced you think you are.

Come along to our meetings – News, Sport and Features on Mondays at 1.15pm and GRiP on Wednesdays at 4.30pm – to find out more.

Contact us Address Gair Rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434/436 Advertising – (029) 20781416 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Focus • 14

O Brother, where art thou?

Snubbing the World Cup only slightly, Daniel Barnes is on the jazz with Big Brother

A

fter just a few days, Big Brother is already beginning to grip the nation. Channel 4 have served us well with nightly updates on the house’s progress, and I have been more excited than I could imagine was possible without the aid of Ronan.

The sweet mist of suspicion and bitching is descending at an alarming rate as the tabloids have delighted in spreading stories of Sandy’s long lost neglected daughter. This is a good example of how the British hate good people: Sandy certainly seems polite, kind and interesting and with his array of kilts is definitely an asset to the house, standing in stark contrast to the awful Jade, and yet already he’s become a victim of the gutter press.

And while we’re on the subject, the media has very rightly started an enormous backlash against Jade, the screeching, ranting, whinging girl who thinks she’s the best thing since Britney, but is in fact the worst thing since

Courtney Love. With any luck, it will be to her nasty surprise that she is the one to get voted off at the end of the first week.

The other housemates are lingering between being unnoticeable and hideously obvious in the way that they skulk around only occasionally attempting to be interesting. For a start, we must note the nice boy Alex, who is incredibly sexy, but fails to ever say anything worthwhile, but should be naked all the time. Sunita is cool, we like her a lot because she is the customary sensible one who puts everyone in the rightful place when they need it (namely, Jade). And Spencer has made himself interesting by being perfectly dull, and has certainly won the aesthetic approval of Gemma (GR Music Editor).

News broke early last week, after just five days in the house, 25-year-old barrister Sunita announced she was resigning from the show because she feels “claustrophobic”. Curiously, you’d

think she would have imagined that this would be the case. I’m not entirely sure, but t seems reasonable to suppose that all the contestants have to sign a lengthy and complex contract divesting Channel 4 of all responsibility for any mental illness and/or insanity caused by the experience. This, along with the spate of illness that has swept through the house, brings the programme in chaos in its early days, I only hope this doesn’t ruin it for the rest of the class.

The thing that my housemates seem to fail to understand is why on earth you would want to watch Big Brother all day long on E4. I don’t quite know the answer to this, except to say that watching ordinary people do ordinary things, like getting bored, cooking dinner, swimming and making tea is somehow deeply fascinating. There is something profoundly compelling about this kind of television because the more boring and uneventful it gets the more compelling it is, because eventually you can’t leave the television in anticipation

of something happening. Apart from anything else, I can’t think of better ways to spend my time – if I am going to be bored, I’d happily do it watching E4 all day.

Big Brother is what life is all about – learning how other people live, how they act and how they develop with each other and alone. Besides, laughing at other people’s misfortune, watching them get naked and bitching about them (especially when they can’t do anything about it) is what we British do best.

Big Brother on E4 is what the summer is all about: lazing around watching the live coverage, perusing Dermot O’Leary’s nightly behind the scenes insights and the Channel 4’s nightly updates. Sod the World Cup, even if Freddie Ljungberg is well sexy, all my time and energy this summer is going to be equally divided between watching Big Brother and having a crisis over missing it all the time I am languishing with a Dry Martini on a balcony on the Costa del Sol.

Fear and laughing What grinds me down... in Estonia

by Rev Charles

PopScene: Returning to Popworld from her short break, Abbi Shaw examines all the nausea that is Eurovision

I

f there’s one thing that can restore my faith in the state of pop music on an annual basis, it’s that wonderful, fabulous event known to us as the Eurovision Song Contest.

It’s funny what those words can do to people – many will squeal, glue themselves to the nearest television screen and open the first of many bottles of wine to help them work themselves into a frenzy of excitement, whilst others will groan, cry, or insist that the television is employed for other uses that night.

If you happen to live with both of these types of people, my advice is this: watch what you can, before the television is turned over, then, once your evil nonEurovision loving housemate is settled into his other programme, accidentally sit on the remote and turn the TV over for a second. You will find that, amidst the searching for the controls, suddenly, and inexplicably, after the initial “Argh! Must turn this off!” even the most hardened critic of Eurovision will be rendered silent and concerned for the future of our nation’s entry.

Once you’ve reached this point, reveal the remote and offer to change the channel. You will be denied, amongst shouts of, “We must watch this! No! Don’t turn it over!” Your previously non-co-operative housemate will be captivated, and for the next hour or so, devoted to the cause. Settle back, and consume your

T h e G r e e k e n t r y : A n o t h e r L ev e l m e e t s S t a r Tre k

wine with pride.

My point is that the Eurovision Song Contest is the dullest, most formulaic, tackiest and least endearing programme of the year. Yet it is absolutely and ridiculously addictive, and once you’ve started watching it, you can never turn it off.

There are several good reasons for this. Firstly, Terry Wogan may be considerably older than anyone else in the world, and as such perhaps, not be allowed to be amusing, not to mention the fact that he works for Radio 2 (so last century, darling). However, where Eurovision is concerned, he becomes every bit as amusing as Ant and Dec, every bit as cutting as Eddie Izzard, and generally just the most hysterically funny person, ever.

Second, raise your hands if you don’t like a good laugh at another European nation in the name of good taste? Take the Greek entry, for example. Four of the least attractive men in the history of the universe dressed for no reason whatsoever, as robots. Dancing in a manner that was surely a joke (and I do realise it was based on their military traditions) the man at the front emitted nauseating howling sounds and – worst of all – kept winking at the camera in a manner that may be attractive in Greece, but is little more than repulsively humorous in the rest of Europe. This is one of the most comic things I have seen this year, and accordingly Eurovision gets a gold star for propagating such terrifying things.

One thing I do miss is the willingness of participants to sing in their native languages – I was always particularly fond of hearing Icelandic, Dutch and Croatian singing, all of which make as much sense to me as Welsh. People’s insistence on singing in English deprives us of the joy of reading the translations on Page 888 and having the humour factor squared.

Finally, where else do we get such pure, hopeless pop joy? The songs are so awful they wouldn’t even be played on Real Radio, and the contestants so bad they wouldn’t make it into one of ITV’s reject compilations from Pop Idols. Addictive and compulsive, pop and easy watching at its very best, I can’t wait until next year.

I

have a friend at home, who’s mother used to tell me; “You can’t be optimistic with a misty optic!” as she cleaned the thick, yet powerful lenses of her speckled spectacles.

Judging by all the current pessimism, cynicism and criticism today, it seems to me that there are many folks around with very grimy glasses. Why does our media delight in “dishing the dirt” – rooting out the filth, and sharing around the bad news? They allege that we, the punters, like to see it, and in fact repeatedly tell us this.

Do they have dirt-coloured spectacles, or dirt-covered minds?

This pessimistic mood has even been released into our churches: worries about declining numbers, ageing buildings, fewer children, lack of money, uncertainty about our role, theological division, differences in opinion between traditionalists and moderists – to say nothing of those scandals beloved by the press! Is the Christian Church on its way down the proverbial plughole?

Let me answer that question with a quote from a man called Paul; “For it is He who is the ‘Yes’ to God’s promises”. He wrote that to his chums from Corinth (2,1v19). I tell you – what a text for the doom-andgloom-mongers among us! The divine promises are answered with a resounding ‘Yes’ in the Sacred Son. The followers among us are the ‘Yes’ in an eternal sea of ‘No’s’. Our calling is to be positive, to look for the goodness, to build others up, to forgive and forget, to be a breath of fresh air, that all the positive blessings may reach out through us and into the life of the world in order to facilitate the Miracle of Transformation.

And what about the Church? We are the Church, and as long as we are guided by the Redeemer’s promises, then we have every reason to be positive and confident.

All that is tired, old and worn-out must go, so that the Creator who ‘makes all things new’ can be seen better.

Take heart, my friends!

Together, we are called upon to show the world a different way of living – evangelism does not have to be guilt-driven, or guilt-inducing. Next time you’re on the bus and the little, old lady stares at you because she stereotypes you as a youthful thug, return a warm, supportive smile. My minister tells me that, as one person, you may not be able to change the world, but you can certainly change the world for one person.

Our job, my little cherubs, is to clean a few pairs of glasses, but first we need to make sure that we can see correctly through our own.

14 • Focus

The call of Morocco Continued from page 11

Shimmying to the hypnotic drumming or searching for your own rhythm on a taught skin speaks a universal language. You haven’t even uttered a sound from your lips, yet you feel as though you’ve had a mad conversation and the buzz hums through you for hours after. If you’re prepared to throw away your inhibitions music allows you to communicate with everyone and anyone.

A visit to the hammam (similar to a Turkish bath) is a regular pastime in Moroccan life. Many traditional homes in the medina or villages are without showers, or if they are, the water is only cold. My first experience in a hammam I ventured on alone; however, I was thoroughly entertained by the on-goings within the sweating walls. Wearing just knickers your body is free to breathe although to watch naked women getting in heated debates I could not help but find amusing. Children happily played while their mothers washed and meticulously combed their own hair over and over, some deep in conversation, the minds of others

hypnotised by the heat. I sat as one naked sweaty woman among many, and was reminded of the body as a natural common bond that is too often forgotten by the constructions of religion and culture influencing our identity.

My second trip back to Fes to visit Abdel ‘Aali was at the time that his youngest sister Hanan was getting married. The house where the wedding took place was the same one where my friends and I had once dined with Abdel ‘Aali and a group of Moroccans. We had shared a large tagine, drummed until the early hours of the morning and drank wine Moroccan style – one glass was filled and downed like a shot, then passed on to the next person! It was strange to now associate this place with a wedding. When Hanan sat with her husband on their thrones, however, and guests danced to the live music, or looked on at the action while sipping on mint tea or enjoying all the delicacies, I realised how perfect the traditional Moroccan home was for a party: at the centre is a spacious open roofed courtyard decorated in mosaics, and at opposite ends there are two rooms with elaborately decorated archways as their

Back in the Sahara Silhouetted bodies melt into each other That arch and dip towards horizons of discovery The wind remoulds her figure Faithful to the curve of African hips Painted in burnt orange Fine grains grit my face And fill grooves With words that take weeks to shower away I search for their meaning But my mind fails to complete the

crossword Again I turn my ear towards her Desperate for the secret But she whispers Too quietly Trying not to disturb her own silence Frustrated with lip reading I wait for her surrender … then I realise the answer Is this This waiting in vain

Gair Rhydd Monday 3 June 2002

Thank you When you shared your chocolate bar with strangers squashed together in that taxi of huddling bodies, (keeping warm from the rain drenching the world beyond the window pane) I savoured your generosity.

It melted on my tongue.

Your ease to forgive and forget belittled those grudges that dampened my soul in a pathetic rain.

Rescuing me from my self-inflicted tempest I screamed silent thank yous: pride hid my voice even though I knew where to find it.

Hanan and her husband on their wedding thrones

entrances and the walls are bordered with cushioned seating.

In the week of the marriage family and friends constantly filled Abdel ‘Aali’s own household to the extent that meal times required more than one sitting! I would wake to traditional Arabic music resounding throughout the house and the buzz of people preoccupied with preparations or engrossed in conversation catching up on each other’s lives. His family are extremely hospitable and generous hearted people that have little but are always happy to share. This is characteristic in Morocco; offers of kindness (that I think many tourists are too cynical to believe are genuine) are normal. Even on my last visit I was proved wrong by my instincts. I boarded a train at Casablanca airport and was immediately approached by a Moroccan man asking me questions about myself.

At first I thought how am I going to get rid of him, but later I was thanking him and his brother for escorting me to the bus station, that was neither that safe nor inviting, for finding the right bus for me, and for making sure I was sat next to another girl who turned out to be lovely and we chatted for the entire six hour journey! I realised he was being genuine and I had been wrong to judge him from first impressions. Of course, this does not mean trust anyone but I believe I have learnt to give people a chance. Otherwise I would never have met Abdel ‘Aali …

Frustrated with poverty you dried my tears with a wealth – we have Allah – that cloaked your face in a comforting smile.

And I thanked God that you have showed me humility as we lay like royalty –

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Sitting in the kitchen hands wrapped around mugs of tea, I meet my mother’s eyes with cheeks burning a regretful blush.

radiant, and adorned in the finest jewels.

I hope it’s not too late to say thank you.

Porn to be wild If you’ve been wondering what’s happened to the Disco Stu nights this year then I may as well tell you...after nearly 5 years of being trouble makers we’d all got a little bit older and needed time off to think about other stuff. I (Disco Stu, but my mum calls me Mark) started writing some sit-com stuff and wanted to make TV programmes, so I’m off to Hull to get a degree in that type of thing. The cowboy clad Love Missile went AWOL but last I heard he’s managing a strip act up the valleys called the Ponty Pythons and Randy Vegas, the cod-piece and paint covered M.C. concentrated on being Matt Pritchard. A professional skateboarder, team manager of Globe shoes, co-owner of Stimulus clothing (and beer), producer of the now legendary skateboard video PvsD and soon to be a star of his own MTV show. OK, so he’s done a lot more than I have. But I like a lie in in the mornings...

Does it scare you that without really trying too hard to be anyone but yourself that you have acquired all this responsibility?

Good question, fuck knows. I mean, I didn’t do very well at school due to the fact that I was always interested in messing around and doing something totally different to school work, so it’s quite crazy that I have such responsibility.

It all started when I got sponsored by a few skate companies about 9 years ago then I turned pro for a British company Panic which I suppose should be quite a responsible thing to do, that is being an ambassador to your company and being some kind of idol that kids can look up to, but the thing is, I was no where near responsible at all, I was more like the devil in the kids parents eyes. I always turned up at demos and comps with a can of Stella and a fag in my gob to the parents horror. I was always known for enticing riots and smashing up hotels whilst on tour and getting arrested and the kids loved it.

And the skate companies loved because it sold my boards. That’s why I’ve got to where I am now which includes the responsibility of managing skate teams and co owning a clothing company with this kind of image behind it. I am also a bit older now which should mean I am now a bit more sensible, I think?

The video Pritchard vs Dainton did really well and out did everyone’s expectations. It featured a lot of really good skating, some people who

appeared in it will not be able to take part in the next video due to conflicts of interests with their other sponsors.

Does this worry you with regard to the focus of skating in the next video?

The video did do well and I am happy that it got all the media attention too, because it showed a load of non skaters what we are all about. It showed not just the skating but the lifestyle us skateboarders have (well, most of them) which is why I think it sold very well. It’s going to be hard for some of the skaters in PvsD 1 to be part of PvsD 2 as the video has a clothing label which has started from the success of it called The Stimulus. Most of the riders ride for other clothing companies and these sponsors wont let them be part of it .

The next bunch of skaters in the second PvsD2 (which we have been filming for the last 6 months) are a load of very good up and coming super stars especially one under the name of Chewy Cannon. This guy is unbelievable and is going to blow minds and I am stoked that he rides for our clothing company. PvsD 2

ABOVE: “Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be Randy Vegas.”

BELOW: In LA with the most famous porn star in the world Ron Jeremy...commendable

will be out for Christmas 2002, check website for more info www.thestimulus.co.uk.

Stimulus is the first skate brand to have it’s own beer, you’re the first person I know to be in a porno mag and you’re the only person I know to have had a pair of your own signature sunglasses. What’s the next first you’d like to achieve?

If I can achieve what Hugh Heffner has done I will be happy, but I think the closest I will get to that is the Disco Stu porn nights. I would like to get my own chain of fun pubs with jacuzzis in the corner and you can get naked if you want to be. Apart from that as long as I’m fit and healthy and still enjoying life I’ll be happy anyway.

Yourself, Dainton and Joycey are about to start filming for your own MTV show. What’s the main idea

behind it?

Right, if anyone out there has seen Jackass on MTV then you get the idea.

Basically it’s going to be the British version but much much better. It’s going to be a competition between the three of us and whoever loses the competition gets a terrible forfeit. Plus it’s going to be full with music and a load of compilation stuff that we have gathered throughout our summer at all the events and festivals that we travel too.

If you have seen our video Pritchard vs Dainton then you will know what I mean. Just to let everyone out there know that we are not copying Jackass cause we have been doing this for years and had our video out in the shops before there was such a thing as Jackass. It was just a coincidence that the Americans were doing the same thing too.

We will have the cameras rolling at the up and coming LAST DISCO STU EVER (maybe...?) ...PORN IDOL NIGHT, so when you see the lens, say hello. When you see a small Oompa Loompa on the stage by him a beer as he is the 4th member of our team and when he’s pissed he always falls asleep any place any where, then we can all get footage of

us fucking with him in his sleep.

I also have some cracking footage of Disco Stu himself from last year when he had a party at his house after one of our nights, and let me tell you, you will see him in a different light but the footage is so so funny. look out for it.

Does it worry you that national exposure may change you as people?

I can tell you that it won’t change me at all, I can’t talk for the others but I hope it won’t. I think my privacy might be invaded a little bit but lets wait and see.

You have the choice now, if it all ended tomorrow, what one thing would you like to be remembered for?

The man who always smiled, got himself into sticky situations and turned a boring party into something worth being at.

OK last words. What would they be?

Basically thanks to everyone that has ever done or helped me in any way to get to where I am now, it’s much appreciated.

See you all at Disco Stu on June the 8th in Solus.

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Monday 3rd June 2002 / Sport Page 19

Cont. from Back Page to break the stout Irish rearguard and it was left to Healey, the man who had set up last year’s win in the Parc de Princes, to burst through the weak tackle of O’Gara and score under the posts.

“I’ve not been playing at my best and owed the lads a big game. I gave it my all,” said the England international.

With the two extra points and a further penalty being added by man-of-the-match Stimpson, Munster had to reply quickly with little time left.

But, with Healey’s try fresh in his mind, fly-half O’Gara suffered the same fate which had blighted him in Munster’s last final appearance.

Two years ago he had missed a kick which would have won the trophy, this time he saw two penalties go wide of the posts and Munster’s dream fading.

Seconds later though, centre John O’Neill thought

“The Superleague just isn’t selfsufficient” MARK HAZELHURST

FACE-OFF: Supporters hope to force out Phillips

Cont. from Back Page coach at the beginning of the season.

He sees the shortcomings of the Superleague and the fans’ decision to boycott games as a major factor behind the team’s desperate situation but is confident that Cardiff can be restored to the top echelons of British Ice Hockey.

“I can’t see how Cardiff playing in the Superleague can ever be financially viable.

The Superleague just isn’t selfsufficient because it doesn’t get the television coverage that it should and the cost of paying players to compete in the league are just too high so you end up losing money year in year out,” explains Hazelhurst.

Indeed, Cardiff is not the only team that has found the Superleague a major drain on financial resources in recent years.

Teams such as Sheffield, Manchester and Newcastle are all seeking to leave the Superleague because it has led to inflationary debts and expenses that the teams simply cannot cover. It was declared by the Devils’ Chief Executive, Peter Curtis, that Cardiff lost over £150,000 in their last Superleague season along with their major sponsors, resulting in a mass player exodus and the forging of a younger and less expensive squad.

In explaining the motives behind having such a young and inexperienced team Hazelhurst declares: “We decided at the beginning of the season that we wanted to achieve something with a new squad.

We wanted to give the young players of Cardiff the chance to play senior hockey not o n l y because it would e a s e o u r

financial position but also to help develop a young team with local kids who have been deprived the chance at Superleague level.”

Indeed, the young blood who now find themselves in the first team have welcomed such an approach. Dan Madge, a nineteen-year old defence-man and player of the year for the Devils, is grateful that Cardiff have dropped down a league and is happy at the club even with all of the troubles. “I was training with the Devils’ Superleague squad during the previous season but it was difficult taking time off work to go to the rink in the morning. If the Devils had stayed in the Superleague, I wouldn’t be playing now. In the end I’ve learned a lot and despite the difficulties, it was a lot of fun,” states Madge.

Madge’s attitude would appear to be representative of a lot of the young players in the side and while Hazelhurst appreciates the tremendous passion of the Devils’ fans, he believes that their disputes with team owner, Bob Phillips, are unjust and have hindered their already unstable financial position.

“I’m with Bob Phillips. The fans want him out based on their own reasons but by not coming to the games the kids of Cardiff are the ones who are ultimately being punished.

A new owner is unnecessary, instead bigger attendances and more bums on seats is what is really needed to generate more money and to increase our budgets,” says Hazelhurst.

So does this young squad have the potential to become as successful as the teams of the last decade? “In less than three years this team will have come on leaps and bounds.

Some of our players are already representing Great Britain at youth level and our d e v e l o p m e n t programme is excellent.

The future is definitely here,” proclaims a c o n f i d e n t Hazelhurst.

he had touched down, however, the video referee adjudged that he had made contact with the touchline.

It was a decision which later proved to be a lot closer than first thought.

With the Irish side winning the put-in to a scrum under the Leicester posts in the last few minutes, Munster had one last chance to lift the trophy.

However, as scrum-half Peter Stringer was about to put the ball in, flanker Back tapped the ball from his grasp and the scrum had been lost.

Stringer’s complaints fell on deaf ears and seconds later the final whistle had blown.

Back was unrepentant about the incident; “I did what I had to do to ensure a win for Leicester. I am not a cheat and would be very upset if anyone accused me of being one.”

Leicester’s seeming invincibility goes on but the effects of that last scrum will live long in the memory of all rugby fans.

A much darker perspective is provided by Peter Jeffries, Chairman of Cardiff Devils Supporters Ltd, and fellow member, Glynne Dummett.

Bob Phillips has been accused by segments of the Devils’ fan base of being apathetic towards the team and having no desire to see its resurrection.

“Bob Phillips doesn’t care about the Devils at all,” declares Jeffries. “He doesn’t care about our past players who are still owed wages and he is unwilling to invest in the future of the present team.”

Such a viewpoint is reinforced by Dummett. “As long as Phillips is in charge then there is no future at all

for the Cardiff Devils. Our financial situation is a complete mystery to me because a few years ago we had one of the biggest sponsorship deals going with BT and Spar, which covered all the players’ wages. Now we struggle to get sponsors because of the team’s association with Phillips. A new and genuine owner is the only way for this team to be saved,” he says.

Phillips’ has received takeover bids of around £300,000 from businessman Tom Stewart and Great Britain coach Chris McSorley, all of which he has flatly refused.

The decision not to sell has baffled many in light of the

fact that the Devils management claimed to have lost £70,000 this season.

“If you’re losing £70,000 each year then why wouldn’t you sell?

He’s being uncooperative and has no ambition to rebuild the team,” states Dummett.

I suggest that the fans boycotting of games may only be aggravating the Devils’ torrid situation. “No, replies Jeffries.

“We are demonstrating for the supporters and players because we are not against the team just Phillips. If we did go and pay to watch the games then we would be turning our backs on our friends and those great players who have had to

leave us,” he says.

Unfortunately Phillips was unavailable to make any comment and to offer his side of the story. In any sport and with any team it is sad to see a witch-hunt aimed at forcing out any individual. However, it is clear to see that even with the best will and motives in the world, with the continued presence of Phillips at the helm the Devils are always going to suffer from a lack of sponsorship, funding and discontented fans which would be detrimental to the success of any sporting team. The Devils can indeed breathe fire again but it would appear that Phillips’ departure is necessary to ignite the flames.

Do I not like that...

Something on your chest? Riled by our report? email grsport@hotmail.com

Letter of the Week Men in Black You win an Ireland number 6 shirt, nearly new

Dear GR Sport, To answer Mr Bland’s question last week of do we want Roy Keane to represent and captain our country the answer is a definite yes. Cut out the English tabloid crap and realise that it is a result of deep rooted problems that the amateurish FAI should have dealt with years ago.

Granted its come to a head at a bad time for us and should have been dealt with better, but I'd much rather have a bloke leading the way that doesn't tolerate mediocrity and wants to win the competition than a manager who just keeps on talking about enjoying himself.

So Roy Keane we salute you and just hope we have 11 of you some day so we may actually have the opportunity to win something.

As for the reference to Keano's boxing talents, what are you like you mincer, if you don't appreciate real competitiveness and ambition I suggest you watch the Teletubbies every morning in June.

Cheers, Andy Boyd

Teletubbies

GR Sport. A passionate response, but while Keane’s determination is admirable, the way he dealt with the situation clearly was not. Why, after moaning about intrusive media coverage, does he sell his story to the Mail? Then go on Irish television? I won’t say too much, otherwise I may end up with more stinging criticism, like, go watch Fireman Sam.

Dear GR Sport, For a long time I have often wondered how Graham Poll became a top-flight referee. In the last few seasons he has, along with several other officials, contrived to make a mockery of a number of Premiership and International games.

He runs around, calling players by their first names as if he knows them and sending players off just so as to get his name mentioned as many times as possible on the television and in the newspapers. His incompetence seems to have worn off on many of his colleagues, who I feel, could turn the World Cup into a complete bore.

Maybe having television replays for important decisions or having more officials in one match (god forbid) is the answer. I just hope that these b******s in black will do their job properly and not fall for the diving and cheating by nearly all of the games players.

From S Blatter GR Sport. Legally we shouldn’t comment. But sod it, Poll is a wanker. ‘nough said.

GR Sport will almost certainly print your letter, so get writing and get your views read by fourteen thousand people. The views expressed in these letters are not necessarily those of the newspaper or the editor.

“Cut out the English tabloid crap and realise that it is a result of deep rooted problems within the Amateurish FAI”, page 19

In Crisis

Do I not like that...

Our investigation into the state of former ice hockey giants, the Cardiff Devils

Roy Keane: Everyone’s talking about it.

Another referee debate

Sport gair rhydd

email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 3rd June 2002 / Free Word 724

UP FOR IT: Cardiff Devils know that a battle lies ahead if they are to again reach the summit of Ice Hockey

Support cools for Devils in Ice House

Report by Matt Greenhill WITH ESCALATING financial difficulties, bitter public disputes between the fans and owners and the exile of some of their top players, a season of sheer hell was always going to await the Cardiff Devils ice hockey team.

The Cardiff Devils sat proudly at the pinnacle of British ice hockey in the nineties, which saw them win every major competition and the recognition as Britain’s top ice hockey side. However, the last twelve months has seen the sad decline of what was once Wales’ most successful professional team.

Last summer a lack of financial resources meant that the wage bill of the Devils could not be met and as a result they were forced to drop out of the top professional league in Britain, the Superleague, and were placed in the lower British National League. Many players were released or fled this disastrous situation and as a result the current side cannot hold a candle to the successful outfits of the nineties.

The Cardiff Devils have just finished their first season in their new National League at rock bottom with a horrific record of only 5 wins, 1 draw and 38 losses in 44 games.

Such a dismal season simply reflects the loss of their top players and the lack of money to replace them. Instead, the

capital side has resorted to plucking many youth players as young as sixteen from the junior development squad and prematurely thrusting them into the first team with little experience and ability to compete in senior hockey.

Inevitably such a rapid decline and demise of what

The Ice House has looked increasingly desolate

was once a great team has caused tremendous conflict between the supporters and chief owner of the Devils, Bob Phillips, who has been blamed for this catastrophic downfall.

Attendances at the National Ice Rink have plummeted compared to previous seasons as fans have attempted to vent their anger and disapproval. In fact, for every home game this season there have been more fans protesting outside the Ice House than fans inside watching their beloved team.

So just how has such a successful team crumbled in such a short space of time and what can be done to rebuild and restore the Devils to their former glory? After speaking to both the player-coach, Mark Hazelhurst, and representatives of the Cardiff Devils supporters’ organization, it would appear that both sides have differing views on these important questions.

Mark Hazelhurst, an experienced and knowledgeable ice hockey player from the Midlands, was installed as the Devils’ player

Continued on page 19

Munster edged by sharp Tigers Report by David Williams LEICESTER RETAINED the Heineken European Cup at the Millennium Stadium after a closely fought and controversial 15-9 win over Munster.

A try in each half by Austin Healey and Geordan Murphy was overshadowed by a piece of gamesmanship by Neil Back in the closing minutes which deprived the Irish province of a matchwinning score.

Munster though, had taken an early lead through the boot of Ronan O’Gara and mid-way into the first-half Munster led 6-0.

On the other hand, Leicester’s goal-kicker Tim Stimpson, whose injury time penalty had sent the Tigers into the final, was out of

touch with two efforts of his own.

However, on 26 minutes Stimpson attoned for his misses with his foot and used his hands to sell Damien Crotty a dummy and feed Irishman Murphy over for the opening try.

For Leicester supporters this could have been their third try of the afternoon as both Freddy Tuilagi and captain Johnson had tries disallowed in the opening minutes.

After defending for most of the first 40 minutes, it was Munster who took a slender one-point lead into the interval which was then increased to four with a third O’Gara penalty.

With time moving on Leicester needed something

Continued on page 19

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