gair rhydd - Issue 725 by Cardiff Student Media

gair rhydd MONDAY 15TH JUNE 2002

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

Graduation 2002 You’ve endured three year of too much work, too much booze and too much sleep. And now you’ve reached the final hurdle. But before your university life seems like a distant memory, let Gair Rhydd guide you though the big events of your years in Cardiff

Three years of Graduation – Three years of Gair Rhydd

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 15TH JULY 2002

Remember the Rugby World Cup in your first year? Remember the Castle Management scandal? Well if not, here’s the Gair Rhydd guide to everything that happened in your time at Cardiff. Sit back, relax and reminisce...

1999 – 2000 President

Elin Price

Paul Clarke

Gair Rhydd editor September

There was controversy at the Societies Fayre when the Countryside Pursuits Society that is in favour of fox hunting recruited members, despite claims by the Animal Rights Society that this contravened the ethical and environmental policies of the Union. Both parties were allowed stalls as the General Secretary, Mike Thomas, deemed that they both had a right to be present as they both represented the differing views of the student population.

October

Rugby World Cup fever hit

Cardiff as the Millennium Stadium played host to top class rugby nations. Students

November

February

There was a lucky escape from 12 students from the University choir after the Union minibus in which they were travelling lost a wheel. Injuries were prevented thanks to the quick response of the driver but it

Vicky Raymond

October

A female employee of the Students’ Union was attached in broad daylight as she made her way to work through Bute Park. The woman was walk-

ing near the Welsh College of Music and Drama in the middle of the day. A man approached her and tried to snatch the carrier bag and briefcase she was holding. After a brief struggle the man ran off empty handed.

November

Letting Agency Castle Management were forced into liquidation amid rumours that one of the partners has fled the country. It is thought that the company leaves more than £250,000 worth of debts to Cardiff students and landlords.

City Road. The Japanese department came under fire after students were left with no full time lecturers. After two resignations and the illness of the Head of the department, the department was left with only visiting academics and an administrative assistant. Students were left with only a vague structure to their degree programme and a lack of feedback on their progress.

March

All Nestle products were removed from the Union shop after the Finance and Services Officer Zoe Parks decided to ban Nestle products from the Union. The company have been criticised for making babies in Third World countries reliant on their baby milk. The NUS Wales ‘March for Education’ failed to make the same impact as its London counterpart, when only 200 people turned up. Although the organisers had expected 2,500 students, they denied the existence of student apathy and blamed the poor turnout on the bad weather.

April

Hygiene standards of takeaway outlets came under the spotlight after a pubic hair was found in a burger. The pubic hair was found embedded in the batter of the burger purchased from Miss Millies on

Controversy surrounding the sabbatical elections dominated the first issues. The count for General Secretary was postponed overnight after the Constitutions Committee discovered a problem with one of

Students from all over the UK marched through London in an effort to draw public attention to the plight of student hardship. More than 100 representatives from Cardiff joined in the demonstration.

Rhydd launched a campaign to gain support for the proposals.

December

Gair Rhydd editor Cardiff Letting Agency Castle Management came under fire in a protest by disgruntled former tenants. Around 30 students marched from the Students’ Union to Castle Management’s showroom following complaints that bond monies had not been repaid.

January

Talybont Cycle path was also in the news again after a series of flashing incidents along the track. Suspects were identified as a naked cyclist and an overweight man with no body hair.

Cardiff Vice Chancellor Sir Brian Smith announced his retirement planned for September 2001.

President

September

December

A Cardiff student was beaten after a taxi ride home from Fun Factory. Matthew Badman, 2nd year Physics, and his brother were chased and then assaulted by five taxi drivers demanding more money after he had vomited in the back of the taxi. “I tried to defend myself but my face was getting knackered so I just threw my arms over my head,” said Matthew.

A group of students foiled two break-ins at Imperial Services. The students, who live next door to the housing agency, chased the two burglars after they were woken up by the agency’s alarm. In the second incident the following week, they chose a more unconventional method. Third year Biochemistry student Mike Allen heard the intruders whilst preparing his dinner. He then went outside and threw his grapefruit at the offender, subsequently breaking his nose.

joined in the revelry amongst fears by lecturers over increased absenteeism in lessons.

2000 – 2001

Steve Young

led to questions about the safety and maintenance of Union officials.

The Safety standards of Athletic Union activities came under the spotlight following a tragic canoeing accident in which a Swansea student drowned. Students claimed that they had not received adequate first aid training.

January

Plans for a ‘Bond Bank’ Scheme were launched in an attempt to safeguard students from unscrupulous landlords and letting agencies. The initiative laid out plans to establish a dedicated bank which would hold all bonds paid at the beginning of a tenancy agreement with an independent panel formed to adjudicate in any disputes.

February

The Bond Bank bid was finally sealed after the Welsh Assembly agreed to progress to the initial stage of setting up the scheme. The news came just a week after Gair

A first year female student living in Uni Hall was taken ill with meningitis, following a year absence of the disease from the Cardiff campus. She responded well to treatment and subsequently made a full recovery.

March

More than 1,000 Cardiff University students demonstrated their opposition to the introduction of top-up tuition fees by forming a giant human chain around the Union building. The action saw students putting up a united front against the continuing financial hardship that the introduction of tuition fees and the abolition of the maintenance grant has forced upon them. The starts of the hit TV show Popstars were confirmed to headline this year’s summer ball. The five-piece group Hear’Say appeared at the event held at Cardiff International Arena last month. The race to become President of the Students’ Union took a surprising twist when two candidates withdrew their

ABOVE: Peter Moon overspends his election budget the candidates. Peter Moon was disqualified for overspending his budget by £1.41. The votes were counted taking Mr Moon’s as spoils. Tom McGarry was the eventual winner of the post. A student was deeply distraught when a mobile phone thief falsely told his parents of his death. Eshan Awoodun had £990 worth of possessions stolen form his car during a caving expedition. He was subsequently harassed by thieves for several weeks. At the peak of the harassment, the thief phoned Eshan’s parents posing as the police. They said that he had been taken to hospital and was dead on arrival. nominations just a week into the campaign. By pulling out, Simon Arnold and Greg Pycroft left the remaining candidate to run for the position unopposed. Tom McGarry beat off competition from RON (Re-open nominations) to take a record 2,369 votes.

April

The father of a former Cardiff student who committed suicide last year, criticised the University for failing to inform him that his son had been kicked off his course. Gareth Cornick was found dead in May 2000. He had been unable to confess to his family that he was no longer enrolled on his engineering degree and had pretended to

May

Students mourned after a first year student was found dead. The body of Gareth Cornick was discovered on the westbound carriageway of the A48 Eastern Avenue Saturday 8th May. He had been an engineering student between 199899 but filed to pass his first year exams. A second year Geology student has a lucky escape after falling form the Union steps. The man had been going home after Fun Factory on Monday 15th May when the accident happened. The student fell over 15 feet into the neighbouring garden breaking his arm and cracking his veterbrae. still be a student. His father believed that if the university had informed him his son might still be alive.

May

Four students got a victory over the local housing agency Imperial Services when they took the company to court for sub-letting their property over the summer. Imperial were legally ordered to return £2,350 to the students. Members of Cardiff’s University Challenge team became the first to make it through to the televised rounds of the academic quiz show since 1997. Sadly the team failed to make it past the first round.

BELOW: Students form a human chain around the Union

news in Cardiff

Three years of Gair Rhydd – the facts

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 15TH JULY 2002

2001 – 2002

President

subway with a glass bottle. A third year Cardiff student was raped yards from the Student Union after a night at Jive Hive. The attacker was believed to have also been in the Union that night.

November

Tom McGarry

Sarah Hodson

Gair Rhydd editor October

Two groups of students signed for the same house as Key Let and Chris John Agencies were both used by a landlord to let a house. A new coffee shop opened in Seren Las. Coffee 1 aimed to imitate the ambience and cuisine of the continent at a fraction of the cast of its high street. Unfortunately, due to poor service later on in the year, the business was removed from the Union. The University’s employment agency, Unistaff, merged with the Union’s Job Shop to create the largest student employment agency in the country. Students across the country were warned against an extremist Muslim group believed to be targeting Freshers’ fairs across Britain to recruit students to fight in ‘holy wars.’ Tony Blair disclosed government plans to abolish tuition fees and maintenance grants in an attempt to boost the number of university students from low income families. As yet, no move has been made to follow this claim through. The Bond Bank scheme, designed to regulate the system of housing bonds, was officially launched after campaigns from Gair Rhydd and

the Students’ Union. Cardiff’s Official Student radio station, Xpress Radio, gained an outstanding eight nominations for the 2001 Radio One Student Radio Awards. The awards are the highlight of the student radio calendar, with only the very best of student radio talent across the country reaching the shortlist. Their nominations included Radio Station of the Year and the New Media Innovation award. A young lady was assaulted in Ruthin Gardens after leaving Jive Hive on her own. Two Cardiff students published an innovative guide to survive the difficulties of being a student. Lucy Clare and Jenny Hawkins wrote the Student Survival Guide after spotting a gap in the market. Gair Rhydd is nominated for two Student Media Awards. The paper received a nomination in the Best Campaign categories for both the Independent and Guardian Student Media Awards. Gair Rhydd received national media recognition after winning the Guardian award for Best Campaign following the success of the Bond Bank initiative. A first year Cardiff student was taken to hospital after he was attacked in a city centre

Cardiff University’s Xpress Radio won two awards at the Student Radio Awards in London. Xpress were nominated for eight awards, but the eventual winners were Nick Simon who won Best Newcomer and Jamie Dunbar who scooped the award for Best Male Presenter. Students from across Cardiff staged a peaceful protest against tuition fees outside the Welsh Assembly. The ViceChancellor of Cardiff University joined representatives from the four Cardiff higher-education institutions to show their concern over rising student debts.

ABOVE: The Winter Wonderland outside the City Hall LEFT: Anxious AU candidates Polly Hills and Andrew Boyd wait for their delayed results

Flashers once again targeted Cardiff University students, as two female students were victims of indecent exposure on Talybont cycle path.

February

The USIT campus travel shop in the Union closed as the company collapsed, leaving hundreds of students having to re-think their travel plans. The shop has now been replaced by a branch of STA Travel.

Four Cardiff students were bottled by thugs on the Union steps, leading to Rupert Hyde being knocked unconscious.

December

Gair Rhydd uncovered a scam by an electricity company that was forcing students to change suppliers against their knowledge. Sociology student Michael Pearlman was coerced into signing a contract in London Electricity in October, after being assured by the companies representative that he was only taking part in a survey. The Students’ Union was voted one of the ugliest buildings in Cardiff by the local paper the South Wales Echo. Cardiff celebrated Christmas in spectacular style as an outdoor ice rink outside the City Hall

BELOW: President Tom McGarry surveys the scene at the first quorate AGM in 16 years

The Government stunned the student community be admitting that not one penny raised from tuition fees had benefitted universities. allowed festive revellers to skate in a Winter Wonderland.

January

It was announced that the federal University of Wales could be forced to disband if plans for Cardiff University to split from the group went ahead. A Chinese international student was found dead in a house on Dogfield Street just before the Christmas vacation. The 26 year old man had died of stab wounds. Around fifty final year students at the Business School were forced to re-sit an exam because the lecturer had reproduced word-for-word questions that had appeared in the text book that the students were allowed to take into the exam. One disgruntled student said “I think we should rename it the Business Fool rather than the Business School.” The Union introduced a hightech computerised voting system to make casting and counting votes easier in the forthcoming Sabbatical and Non-Sabbatical elections. Votes can now be counted at the touch of a button and avoid the Thursday night slog of counting during the Sabbatical elections. However the system had technical problems later in the year on election night causing some students to doubt the effectiveness of the new purchase.

A students was found dead in his bedroom at Talybont Halls of Residence. James Bird had told housemates that he was going home to the weekend. His body was thought to have lain undiscovered for four days. After five years of campaigning against tuition fees students from Wales secured their first victory as the Welsh Assembly re-introduced maintenance grants for home students. The Union threatened sports clubs and societies with funding cuts and even closure if they did not attend the Annual General Meeting in March. The meting must be attended by at least 750 people for it to be quorate, but last year only 50 people turned up. Disgruntled students did attend the event however, making it the first quorate AGM for 16 years.

March

Cardiff University lost the annual Varsity match against Swansea for the sixth year in a row. The team went down 21–3 at the St. Helen’s stadium in Swansea. The Sabbatical elections were marred as one of the candidates for President was disqualified for not actually being a student. Gareth Hiscocks thought he was enrolled on a course in the Social Sciences department and was still attending

lectures. His removal from the election race left the way clear for AU President to claim the title of Union President. There was chaos on election night as the results for the position of AU President were delayed due to the need to double check the votes counted using the new electronic voting system. The eventual winner, Polly Hills, was told of her victory the following morning.

April

The Union was granted a 2am entertainment licence following a five year campaign. Xpress Radio returned for a month long broadcast this month. The station brought top quality music and talk to students during the exam period. Wheatus agreed to play this years Summer Ball after Atomic Kitten dropped out. Their set was one of the most well-received at the annual event at the CIA, which also saw performances from Trevor Nelson and Whigfield.

May

The Creative Writing department was enveloped in a storm of controversy amid accusations of intimidation and possible marking corruption. Ellie King was voted in as next years Communications and Community Officer in the Unions by-elections, making the Sabbatical team the most female-oriented in history.

June

The NUS angered many students by announcing that the old NUS card will be scrapped and replaced by a swipe card that will give students discount after the original amount is debited form their bank accounts.

Inside GRiP: 2001-02 – A year to remember

Foot of God

News watch England make football history Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

MONDAY 10TH JUNE 2002 / FREE WORD 725

gairrhydd CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

It’s the end of the Taf as we know it James Bladon reports THE UNIVERSITY’S most popular bar is set to undergo a major facelift this summer part of Union plans to modernise it’s drinking facilities. The Tafarn Bar will be renovated with the drab interior being replaced with

a bright new look. Finance and Services Officer Alex Molokwu said, “We are trying to get away from the ‘old man’ feel of the Taf and bring it up to date.” Although the Taf was repainted earlier this year, the proposals for this

summer will see wholesale changes in the venue. Although plans will be finalised later this week, Alex Molokwu explained that students returning next year could expect to see drastic changes. “The two proposals we are choosing between are both very exciting. Customers can

expect everything to change from top to bottom.” As well as new furniture and a complete redecoration, there will be a new bar and the toilets will be refurbished In a rebranding of the Union’s most successful bar the name Tafarn will be no more come next September. Alex Molokwu said “We will be renaming the Tafarn as part of the refurbishment, and I would invite anyone to suggest suitable names for the bar. We are keen that students should have a real input in to what direction we take with the Tafarn from now on.” Union Bars Manager Paul Silva explained, “The changes will freshen up the Taf and give it a whole new look for students coming back next year”. Mr Silva continued “We are trying to get away from the ‘tavern’ atmosphere and aim for something more modern.” President of Cardiff

Proposed interior of the bar formerly known as the Taf

Students’ Union Tom McGarry added, “The fact that we needed to make changes to the Tafarn is something we noticed this year, so we decided to do something about it.” However it is not only the Tafarn that will be getting a new look during summer recess. The bar in the graduate centre, the Cap and

“We are trying to get away from the ‘old man’ feel of the Taf and bring it up to date” FINANCE AND SERVICE OFFICER ALEX MOLOKWU

Artist impression of how the renovated Taf could look next term

Alliance project to go ahead

Steve Lewis reports The planned merger between Cardiff University and the University of Wales College of Medicine will definitely go ahead gair rhydd learnt this week, despite concerns from students about the direction that the university is taking. The merger was proposed to create an internationally renowned ‘research’ led institution that would ensure that Cardiff would remain in the Russell Group, the premier league of UK research-led universities. Cardiff is currently the only member that does not have a medical school and it’s fund-

ing could suffer as a result. Documents received at a meeting to discuss the project state that the merger would create a University with 4,500 staff, 20,000 students and a turnover of £250 million. They also claim that the University would benefit Wales as a whole, as it would contribute to the “intellectual, economic, health and social wellbeing of the country”. However, some students do not seem as optimistic about the merger as the powers that be. Many are already concerned that the university is concentrating too much on research and it’s image on the international stage rather than

teaching it’s students. Jo, a second year English Literature student said, “Many of my tutors are away on a research sabbatical. I sometimes wonder what I am paying my tuition fees for, and this move proves to me that the University is neglecting teaching for the benefits of being a researchled university.” However Academic Affairs officer Ian Hibble told gair rhydd that he was sure that the merger would not affect teaching in the university. “On the whole I think that a merger will be beneficial for students as well as to the reputation of the University”.

The move will also almost certainly lead to the break-up of the University of Wales, which would mean that students would receive degrees from Cardiff University rather than from the University of Wales. This has angered many Welsh students, who feel that as the capital of Wales, Cardiff should be setting an example to other universities in the country by remaining in the federation. Despite these concerns, it is obvious that the financial benefits from the merger will be considerable, and could lead to increased funding for University departments.

Gown, will also be modernised over the summer. Customers of Solus will also notice changes from next year. Alex Molokwu said, “Buffers has been a bit of a wasted space this year, so we will be putting a bar in over the holidays to realise its potential.” News of changes to the Taf has generally been welcomed by students, however some did have reservations. Third year Cultural Criticism student Nick McDonald added, “What is wrong with the dilapidated stable look?”

“David Arquette’s new film 8 Legged Freaks was formerly titled Arac Attack, but stupid-ass Americans confused the name with with Iraq Attack” FILM REVIEW THE SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS FOR 2002, PAGE 21 News p1–3 ● Letters p5 ● GRiP 11 TV listings p24 ● Features p31 ● Sport p39

News 2

IN BRIEF New name for new Taf STUDENTS ARE being given the chance to win a mountain bike in a competition to rename the Tafarn bar after it’s refit this summer. As reported on the front page of this weeks gair rhydd, the Tafarn will be receiving bright and breezy new look for when the doors open in September, and Finance and Commercial Services Officer Alex Molokwu is encouraging students to take part in the redevelopment by choosing a new name for the bar. Molokwu said, “The new look Taf will be fresh and funky, so we need to think of a name that will reflect this. ‘The Tafarn’ is just too oldfashioned now”. Students are invited to email their suggestions for the new name to MolokwuA@Cardiff.ac.uk. The winning student will be informed in September.

Graduate fair comes to Union REPRESENTATIVES FROM top firms will be scouting for new talent at next month's Cardiff Graduate Recruitment Fair. The event, open to graduates of all disciplines, will take place on Thursday June 13 from 11am to 4pm in Cardiff University Students' Union. A wide range of employers are expected to show including representatives from accountancy, insurance firms, the forces, police, engineering, science and the Teacher Training Agency, all of whom are already confirmed.

Grads on the lash THE UNION is putting on special versions of Lashtastic, Jive Hive and 80’s Nite to celebrate students’ graduation. June 15th sees Jive taking over Solus, while Lash appears on the 16th and 80’s Nite on the 17th. Tickets can be bought from the box office.

Gair Rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 10TH JUNE 2002

A light at the end of Website the lane in Cathays hassles Jason Reeves reports CARDIFF STUDENTS’ Union have welcomed news that Allan’s Lane, a thoroughfare used by hundreds of students, will at last have street lighting installed. The long awaited work is due to commence this week on the road that runs from behind the gym on Park Place to Corbett Road. The announcement has been by greeted with praise from Cardiff Students’ Union President Tom McGarry who said, “This is a relief to all of us now the work is finally going to begin on making Allen’s Lane safer, particularly at night, for students. It is an issue we have been trying to sort out for several years, so it is great to see something finally happen”. Allan’s Lane is largely used by students taking a shortcut from the Union towards Woodville Road, and has been the scene of several attacks in the past few years. Student Community Liaison Officer PC Bob Keohane said, “In the past because Allan’s Lane has been so poorly lit it has been an area of some concern. Although the installation of street lighting will make a big

difference I would suggest that wherever possible students walking home late at night should try to stay on main roads.” Cathays Liberal Democrat Councillor, Jon Aylwin considered the news to be a success for the party which has been campaigning for street lighting in Allan’s Lane for several years. Mr Aylwin said, “Allan’s Lane has been the scene of a number of personal attacks over recent years, particularly on students returning home from the Students’ Union.” He continued, “My hope is that this will reduce the chance of crimes being committed in this area, and increase safety for those who use the lane”. The work is expect to take two weeks to complete, and will result in a dozen lamposts being installed in the 200 yards of Allan’s Lane. The redevelopment of the area represents increasing provision for the safety of students in Cardiff. Along with the installation of CCTV across the campus in recent years, regular security patrols take place in problem areas such as Allan’s Lane.

Cabbies face dress code Abbie Jackson reports CARDIFF COUNCIL is to ask the National Assembly for powers to impose a dress code on the city’s taxi drivers. This new proposal has arisen following complaints from passengers about the unsightly appearance of a number of hackney and private hire drivers. Cardiff’s 1420 licensed drivers are viewed as ambassadors for the city and are frequently the first point of contact for visitors. Consequently, the Council wishes them to dress smartly and create a good impression at all times. Speaking of the recommendation, Councillor Brian Pinnell, who chairs the Council’s licensing and public

protection committee, said, “When passengers use a taxi they are entitled to an appropriately dressed driver. A professional looking driver who is smartly dressed will not only create an efficient impression of our city, but will establish customer confidence from the outset of the journey.” He added, “I believe that the Council should have some control over this matter in the interests of the people and businesses of Cardiff.” Sadly however, at present the Council can only check drivers’ police records, medical fitness and knowledge of the city before providing a license and so the Assembly must be asked to intervene in order to rectify this problem.

EDITORIAL 02920 781434/436

Anna Hodgekiss reports OUTSPOKEN HIGHER Education Minister Margaret Hodge has had a website set up in her honour following a string of attacks on students. Margaret Hodge MP hit the headlines in March when she claimed that she was “not too concerned” about students taking on part time in order to fund their way through higher education. In order to keep an eye on the ‘rantings’ of the Minister a website entitled HodgeWatch has been set up by students in London. Editor of London Student Newspaper and founder of HodgeWatch Fiona Sibley said, “Margaret Hodge has delivered a repeated message of contempt from the Government to young people. If an MP talked about an ethnic minority the way that Hodge has insulted students there would be public outcry”. The website will collect and publish speeches, reports and facts on the Minister in order that users of the site can make their decisions on her. It is hoped the website will help Hodge and the Government start paying attention to student’s views before the spending review in the summer.

Work begins on installing street lights on Allan’s Lane

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SCRUFFY: Taxi drivers are told to clean up their image

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 10TH JUNE 2002

News 3

The Week England on top In Print of the World

I am a river, I am a mountain, I am a paedophile (?)

Mick Pearlman reports CHART-TOPPING R&B star R. Kelly was arrested in Florida last Wednesday, hours after he was indicted on 21 counts of child pornography stemming from a videotape that allegedly shows him having sex with an underage girl. Kelly who is famed for recording some of the most excruciating records of all time, must now contend with his reputation being in tatters. An Illinois grand jury charged the 33-year-old singer – whose full name is Robert Kelly – with 21 counts of child pornography based on the videotape, which police said was recorded sometime between November 1997 and February. Investigators said the girl depicted in the video was born in September 1984, which would make her 17 now. Chicago Police Superintendent Terry Hillard said FBI evidence technicians

have examined the videotape and consider it authentic. If convicted, the Kelly faces a prison term of up to 15 years and a fine of up to $100,000. His lawyer, Ed Genson, said he would disprove the child pornography charges. Bootleg copies of the now infamous video are for sale on the street across America, selling for $10 for VHS and $15 for DVD. Kelly has previously settled lawsuits brought by two women who accused him of having sex with them when they were minors. Documents have also shown that Kelly married the late singer Aaliyah when she was just 15. The marriage was later annulled. A third lawsuit was filed recently by a Chicago woman who accused Kelly of impregnating her when she was a teenager and forcing her to have an abortion. Kelly is married to a dancer from his touring troupe. The couple have a newborn son and two young daughters.

James Bladon reports

ABOVE: David Beckham celebrates putting England ahead BELOW: History is made after 36 long years in waiting

HUNDREDS OF students in Cardiff filled pubs across the city last Friday lunchtime to watch England play Argentina in the group stage of this years World Cup. Scores queued outside pubs and bars around Cathays and Roath long before they opened in order to secure the best vantage point for watching the match. After 90 minutes of nail biting action England chalked up their first World Cup victory over tournament favourites Argentina for 36 years thanks to a Beckham penalty just before half time. Around 200 hundred fans packed in The End in Cathays to watch the game and soak up the party atmosphere. Anybody who ventured into the watering holes in the student Cardiff would be forgiven for thinking they had left the princiaplity. For a few hours at least these were corners of this foreign field that were umistakebly England. James Stockall, final year Geology student said “It was a great atmosphere because most of us have finished our exams. It was a the perfect opportunity to relax and have a few drinks.” As soon as the final whistle blew jubilant fans spilled out in to the streets where they were greeted by the hoots of excitable motorists. One fan said “Everybody just seemed to get caught up in

the party mood, one guy even climbed a lamp post to tie a St George cross to it.” However England’s victory was not greeted with universal approval in the city. Dewi Jones a Cardiff University student from South Wales said, “Its the capital city of Wales so when you walk in to bars you don’t expect to see flags of your enemy draped everywhere. This is not just a petty sports thing, its based on historical grievances.” The Students’ Union also provided joyous England fans an opportunity to celebrate, as Lashtastic DJ’s Doug Nicholls and Jamie Saunders treated them to two renditions of Baddiel and Skinner’s ‘Three Lions.’ Nicholls, who was performing his last Lashtastic set, said: “Playing Three Lions and celebrating the win was a great way for me to end my Union career”. However, Dickie Fox a third year Welsh Journalism student commented: “It was disgraceful. My final night at the Union in my favourite Welsh city and I have to put up with a load of England songs.” For jubilant England supporters though, bad feeling with Welsh fans will be the last thing on their mind. For while the likes of France, Italy and of course Argentina are stuttering in the competition, England seem to have discovered some of their best form, which should take them into the next round.

Heaven and hell in BB3 house

Ted Mearlman reports WHILE THE World Cup provides hours of entertainment for those of us on the outside, the unfortunate souls on the inside are forced to miss it. Locked up and under constant surveillance, boredom and a dictated routine seems to be taking its toll - but after all that is the nature of Big Brother, which is back for a third series. Series creators Endemol have promised to make this series the most exciting ever, which has led to a new style of house and an outdoor swimming pool. Already Big Brother has surprised the housemates with a shock eviction and by splitting the house into a rich and poor divide. The unbelievably horrific Lynne was the first housemate to be thrown out after the public voted her to be up for eviction. The second housemate to be evicted was Allison, who will not forget her Big Brother experience quickly. They say elephants never do.

Favourite to win the competition with the bookmakers is 22 year old Spencer from Cambridgeshire, who has already shared romantic moments with Kate, third favourite to win. Meanwhile, baby of the group Jade seems like a good bet to do a Helen, as it appears stupidity is an endearing quality. Jade also seems to be enjoying romance inside the house with lawyer PJ. However, unquestionably the star of Big Brother 3 so far is Alex. While Lee has debated whether or not to cheat on his fiancée with bisexual housemate Adele, Alex has been content to moan, nag and irritate the entire house. Naturally nominated at the first opportunity, the British public shrewdly recognised his potential for further entertainment. Now ‘BB’ have upped the ante further by dividing the house in a heaven and hell scenario. For Spencer, Adele, PJ, Jade and Alex a week of lentils and cold water awaits, which should lead to yet more tension.

Above: Alex, Jade, Lee, Sandy and Adele who have already seen off the challenge of nasty nasty Lynne from Scotland - Below Left and Below Right: Allison who broke a table and weed in the shower

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Letters ● 5

gairrhydd, Monday 10th June 2002

Letter of the Week The author of this week’s Letter of the Week wins two tickets to the World Cup Final. Honest. Dear Gair Rhydd, This time you’ve gone too far. As one of the apparently few people who is still actually proud of the Great Britain and its Sovereign, I was greatly looking forward to your ‘newspaper’s’ coverage of last weekend’s Jubilee. Of course, as Gair Rhydd is a student publication I was anticipating a certain level of irreverence and/or cynicism in its coverage of this joyous occasion. But I also hoped for a sense of perspective from your team about the momentous nature of the Queen’s achievement. Imagine my rage, then, at the disgraceful way in which the Queen’s face was pillaged in order to provide entertainment for the mindless few (or not as the case may be). I am referring of course to the cut-out mask you included "so you can pretend to be her and make your friends think that there is a royal visit to your humble abode." Fucking hilarious, Steven and Blain, you inflamed helmets. All you’ve done there is to encourage the morn populous to mock the one pillar of our society worth getting behind. And if you must perform such sacrilege, you could at least use a half-decent picture, and not one clearly stolen from the internet and then blown up beyond recognition. Twats. "Don’t forget to stand when you here (sic) the National Anthem" it said. Illiterate twats. To make matters worse, my oh-so-amusing housemates thought it would be funny to place one such mask on my face while I slept, covering my face with the print of your laughable rag. I’m not jesting; as far as I’m concerned you can stick your student paper up your arse. Yours, Tom Eggweather

One Last Stand Dear Gair Rhydd Re: Issue 722, 20th May p.2, 'BNP student takes fight to the campus': “I'm just a British person who doesn't want to see my culture destroyed by immigrants... So long as they assimilate [into society], it's not a problem. “But there's a large number of immigrants who refuse to assimilate, who form their own ghettoes. You could walk through

some places and not know it's England... If they won't integrate then they should be offered a financial incentive to go home.” p.7, 'Letters': “most people come here to study for a few years... then disappear back home without even seeing a fraction of the rest of this great country or even attempting a stab at the Welsh language. I think the university should make it compulsory for every non-Welsh student to sit introductory Welsh language and culture exams in an attempt to instill culture into them... if they fail this their

degrees should be withheld.” I have nothing against the Welsh language or culture, but I don't like anti-immigrant racist rantings no matter who they're from. And what about the 80% of Welsh people who don't speak Welsh? Should their degrees be withheld too, or is there something inherently different about people depending which side of the River Severn they were born on? Electra Roberts 3rd Year Maths, and sick to the back teeth of racist crap

Getting the Facts Right? Dear Gair Rhydd, I realize that disputes like this can go on (and have) for centuries, but I felt I had to respond to A Murphy's comments last week. Many in Somerset, Devon and Cornwall would take exception to being classed as part of Wales up to the Middle Ages (especially the Cornish who class the River Tamar as an international border). This isn't because they have anything against Wales but because it's wrong. The main origin of all these groups were Celts who arrived from the continent before the Roman invasion. The Romans didn't reach much of Wales and none of Cornwall and these areas maintained a distinct Celtic language and culture. When the Anglo-Saxons turned up they found the Celts a bit strange and called them Waelas which means foreigners (this is where the -wall part of Cornwall comes from and obviously Wales). Wales as an entity in itself didn't appear till much later. I agree that it's important to have a sense of history, but better to get your facts straight. Lowena dhis, Nick Higgs 4th yr Civ Eng. Lettersdesk says: Where would we be without all you oh,

Welshness this, Welshness that, Welshness the other. Thank God this is the last Letters page of the year and you can all shuffle off and get over yourselves. Nah, I’m just joshing with ya.

Exam Booboos Dear Gair Rhydd, You have recently exposed a few Uni fuck-ups such as the Journalism enrolment system and the deadly Chemistry dept., well, now I and many other disgruntled Language and Communication students have one more to add to your ever-increasing list. Today was our Describing Language exam and in usual Uni fashion, it was a right fuck-up. The instructions on the front of the paper clearly indicated 'Answer ALL questions', however, after an hour of attempting to do this seemingly impossible task we were told by the invigilator that in fact we only had to do 2 out of the 6 questions. With only an hour left of the exam, it was not possible for us to start again, but instead, we were instructed to continue the question we were doing and then return to and expand on a previous question. Anyhow, the Dept. have ensured me that this will be rectified as soon as possible and that if need be, all students will be given a reasonably good mark whether they have done loads of revision or jack-shit. This all seems very unfair considering I was one of those people who had put the work in. Perhaps I 'm the mug for paying £1,000 a year just to get dicked up the ass on a regular basis...it appears that all you need to get a good education is a shit University and a little bit of luck. Yours 'lovingly', One of many disgruntled Students! Lettersdesk says: Chin up, you’ll get over it.

L e s b y Av i n ’ Yo u Dear Gair Rhydd, I am writing in response to the "We're in the army now" article in last week's Gair Rhydd (GR724). I abjectly refuse to believe that 90% of women in the army are lesbians. Whilst it is true to say that more women are joining the army than in previous years, it is also true to say that it has only been three years since the ban on LGB people in the forces was lifted. And still, the ban is in force: LGB people can still be dismissed from their posts if they are deemed to be adversely affecting morale, a 'get-out' clause if ever I heard one. Or perhaps I should say, 'get-THEM-out' clause... I do not believe that 90% of women in the forces are lesbians, who would willingly subject themselves to discrimination of this nature. The presumptuousness inherent in the article was only compounded by the reporter's inference that the primary role of lesbians in society is to provide pornography. A fact: there is more to a lesbian than her sexuality. A fact: most 'lesbian' porn is NOT performed by lesbians women are often forced, or coerced, into performing for the camera. It is not real. I would fervently hope that the majority of students noticed these ignorant comments and generalizations. I just wanted to point them out to the misinformed and hormonally charged reporter. Your sincerely, James Knight LGB Students' Officer Lettersdesk says: Thank you, James, for once again setting us straight, as it were. Thank you, in fact, to everybody who has written in to express an opinion or to share an experience. Thank you, even, to those of you have written in with nothing better to do than whinge like a small child who’s just had his favourite rattle stolen. This page, as the saying goes, couldn’t have happened without you. And what a terrible loss that would have been.

Please send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Crossword What, a leaving present? For me? To say thankyou for spending hours compiling the now legendary Gay Ride crossword every week? You really shouldn’t have. ACROSS: 1. Parent’s brother (5) 4. Lie of the land (7) 8. Draught horse’s straps and fittings (7) 9. Root, like a potato (5) 10. Wander about (4) 11. Church bench (3) 12. Soft white French cheese (4) 15. Horizontal beam across a door (6) 16. Breed of milk cow (6) 19. Land measurement of 4840 square yards (4) 21. Which person? (3) 22. Insect lava (4) 26. By which a door may hang (5) 27. Vacuously (7) 28. Variety of deer (7) 29. Prefix meaning “between” or “among” (5) DOWN: 1. Official escorting people to seats (5) 2. Holiday home on wheels (7)

3. At any time (4) 4. Sampler (6) 5. Ritual (4) 6. Orangey fossil resin (5) 7. Place for rearing plants (7) 13. Hawaiian floral garland (3) 14. Money charged (3) 15. Tanned skin of an animal (7) 17. Snake (7) 18. Growing smaller (6) 20. Rajah’s wife (5) 23. One who purchases (5) 24. Dandy (4) 25. Hindu woman’s robe (4) Get your answers up to the gair rhydd office before Wednesday and the winner’s name will be pinned to the GR notice board next week. 724’s winner was Edward Williams who displayed what can only be called an outstanding grasp of the English language. 724’s solution: ACROSS: 7.Patter; 8.Exotic; 9.Elf; 10.Stroke; 11.Osprey; 12.Nag; 14.Screw; 17.Arena; 19.Await; 20.Wiper; 23.Erupt; 26.Sty; 28.Stable; 29.Orally; 31.Scheme; 32.Enlace. DOWN: 1.Baltic; 2. Stooge; 3.Preen; 4.Befog; 6.Pigeon; 13.Adapt; 15.Rap; 16.War; 17.Ate; 18.Ecu; 21.Intact; 22.Emblem; 24.Really; 25.Policy; 26.Sewed; 27.Yokel.

Name:_______________________ Email:________________________ I will survive the summer without Gair Rhydd by. . . ______________________ ___________________________________________________________________

This week’s winner wins a meal for two at Chillies Restaurant and Takeaway

WANTED Meeting Times: ■ Monday 1.15pm News Features Sport

Arts Books Classifieds Comment Competitions Crossword Executive Committee

■ Wednesday

Features Film

1.30pm News Update ■ Wednesday 4.30pm

Games Interviews Letters Listings Music

Arts

News

Books Games Film

Rough Guide Sport Voxpop

Music Features

TV Guide

Gair Rhydd is looking for enthusiastic and imaginative... ● writers ● designers ● web programmers ● photographers ● production assistants Look out for our welcome party in September Gair Rhydd, 4th Floor Students’ Union, Tel: 02920 781434 or 781436 Fax: 02920 781407 Email: ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk

Programme until Thursday 13th June. Please ring the information line for this weekend’s listings. UGC Cinema Cardiff are proud to support Welsh films and will be showing a selection of short films by local film makers before some performances

Spider-Man (12)

Contains some scenes of strong fantasy violence

Book your tickets now

Advanced screenings 7th, 8th, 9th and 13th June 2002 Be the First to see SPIDER-MAN Fri 6th June @ 12.00 midnight Sat 8th 9.30, 10.30, 11.00, 11.40, 12.15, 1.00, 1.40, 2.20, 3.00, 3.40, 4.30, 5.00, 5.45, 6.15, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00, 10.15, 10.45, 11.15, 11.45 Sun 9th 10.30, 11.00, 11.40, 12.15, 1.00, 1.40, 2.20, 3.00, 3.40, 4.30, 5.00, 5.45, 6.15, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00 Thur 13th 11.40, 12.15, 1.00, 1.40, 2.20, 3.00, 3.40, 4.30, 5.00, 5.45, 6.15 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00

Opens 14th June 2002

Fri, Sat 10.00, 10.45, 11.30, 12.00, 1.00, 1.45, 2.30, 3.00, 4.00, 4.45, 5.30, 6.00, 7.00, 7.45, 8.30, 9.00 Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu 10.45, 11.30, 12.00, 1.00, 1.45, 2.30, 3.00, 4.00, 4.45, 5.30, 6.00, 7.00, 7.45, 8.30, 9.00 Late Shows - Fri, Sat only 10.00, 10.30, 11.15, 11.45

Unfaithful (15)

11.55 Except Thursday Daily from Fri 2.00, 5.15, 8.20 Late Shows - Fri, Sat only 11.20

Star Wars Episode II Attack Of The Clones (PG)

Daily from Fri 11.00, 2.00, 5.15, 8.30 Daily Except Thursday 1.00, 4.15, 7.30 Fri, Only 11.00, 12.00, 1.00, 2.00, 3.15, 4.15, 5.15, 6.30, 7.30, 8.30, 9.45 Daily except Fri 1.30, 4.45, 8.00 Late Shows - Fri, Sat only 10.45, 11.45

Snow Dogs (U)

Daily from Fri 11.15, 1.30, 4.10, 6.30 Daily except Sat, Sun, Thu 8.50

No Mans Land (15)

Dragonfly (12)

Fri, Mon, Tues, Wed 11.55, 3.15, 6.10, 8.45 Sat, Sun, Thu 3.35, 6.10, 8.45 Late Shows - Sat Only 11.20

Monster’s Ball (15)

11.25, 3.00, 5.40, 8.10 Late Shows - Fri & Sat Only 10.40

Pollock (18)

11.50, 1.30, 4.10, 7.45

40 Days & 40 Nights (15)

Daily from Fri 11.45, 2.00, 4.15, 6.30, 8.50 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.20

The Time Machine (PG)

Daily from Fri 11.10, 1.35, 4.00, 6.20, 8.45 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.05

Thunderpants (PG)

Fri, Mon, Tue, Wed 11.45, 2.45, 4.45, 6.45, 8.45

Fri, Mon, Tue, Wed 11.20, 1.40 4.00 Sat, Sun, Thu 11.20, 1.30

Panic Room (15)

Not Another Teen Movie (15)

Fri, Mon, Tue, Wed 11.55, 3.10, 5.50, 8.40 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.10

UGC Kids

Saturday Morning Only £1.50 per ticket

Jimmy Neutron (U) Start 10.00 Ends 11.20

11.45, 2.15, 4.30, 6.45, 9.00 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.20

Bend It Like Beckham (12) Fri, Mon, Tue, Wed 6.15, 8.50

About A Boy (12)

Fri, Mon, Tue, Wed 11.00, 1.20, 3.50, 6.20, 8.50 Sat, Sun, Thu 8.50 Late Shows - Fri, Sat Only 11.20

Senior Citizens Club Thursday Morning Only £1.70 per ticket

What Lies Beneath (15) Start 11.00 Ends 1.10

9 ● Classifieds Sorry to all the lucky people I couldn’t find piccies of. You include – D.C Gates – Books Guru and generally all round nice guy. Chris Faires – Even though he’s better at Mario Kart than me. Neil Blain – Empire had nothing on your Star War page. Gems is lucky to have you! Matt Harvey – the funniest man on the paper. It’s official. Neil Krajewski – Does the most boring job ever early and with an insurmountable knowledge of obscures bands. Legend. Dan and Abbie – who needs Heat when we’ve got our own gossip columnists? Always guaranteed to raise a laugh and an irreverent point. Steve and Alex – TV resurrected. Holly Robarts and Zoe Simmons – for correcting my many mistakes. Jenni Blurton and Ellie Jones – for making the paper look a lot more interesting. Mark and Dominic – always on hand when we’ve got no stories and no time! Noel – you win and lose at the same time!

gairrhydd, Monday 13 May 2002 All the contributors from GRIP, News, Sport and Features have been fantastic – we couldn’t do anything without your help. All the Sabb team – you’ve been pillars of strength, and made me put on weight by feeding me too mush chocolate. James – I’ll miss you chuck! Tom – An Irish legend Caz – Good luck – you’ll be fine! Elaye – Leave my CD’s alone! Thanks to the staff who have helped me out so much this year, especially to Lilah who is going to be fantastic in her new job. It’s our loss.

So it’s the last issue of gair rhydd for 2001-02. We’ve had 30 issues of laughs, traumas and seamonkeys, but it’s certainly been a year to remember. So, here’s a big thank-you to everyone who has been involved with the paper this year, and if I miss you out below, it’s not that I don’t appreciate your help, it’s just that my brain has been mushed up by all the Malibu I’ve had to drink all year to stay sane...

My arts proteges – managed to take on the arts mantle and do about a million times better than I ever could. Not only great sub-eds but also great friends – I’ll miss our gossips about rubbish men. Mat’s got a lot to live up to ( but will do great!)

Thanks to my housemates Kate and Jess who have had to put up with my lack of cleaning and nocturnal habits, and Mel and Nicki for making sure I don’t starve. But the biggest thanks go to Jack, who has stuck by me through thick and thin this year. Sorry for having not time to see you – it’s been rubbish. Here’s to the next year.

And finally a big thank-you and good luck to editor-elect Gemma. She’s been a fantastic friend over the past year, and I’m sure she’ll go on to take the paper to new heights. Just remember to bring a bottle of gin into the office to swig in the toilets and you’ll be fine! Good luck chuck!

HAVE YOU GOT A HEAD FOR FIGURES?

Thanks to News legends Bladon and Lydia, who always managed to make something out of nothing and make us laugh with stories about stunt pigs and dog meat.

Jon is the perfect sub editor – writes well, designs even better and really takes pride in what he’s doing. You’re also a brilliant laugh and one of the best loved members of gair rhydd. We’ll miss you. And can I borrow a tenner?

Charlie has been the best features editor for a long while. All credit to her for being supremely busy yet dedicated, thoughtful and actually giving a shit about what she puts on the page. Michael – indie wimp come awesome help come great friend. Enough said.

The old lady of gair rhydd finally retires. What will we do without you?

Funny as fuck is McDonald.

Two words: busy c***. And awesome for it.

A part time position is available in our CARDIFF OFFICE for someone to help out with GENERAL ACCOUNTING duties. Excellent opportunity to gain valuable work experience. Would ideally suit someone who is studying for an accountancy / business related degree.

I definitely would. Sorry Jen!

PLEASE TELEPHONE MR ABEDI

029 20 455900/ 20 303040 FOR FURTHER INFORMATION IMPERIAL SERVICES IMPERIAL HOUSE 164 RICHMOND RD. CARDIFF.

What can be said about Pearlo? A twat and a legend in one small, Jewish package. We’ve had our differences, but he’s always come through when I needed him,which is what he will be remembered for. Thursday nights won’t be the same without him. But the era continues with Callows. God help him.

Mucho gracias to the boys MPG, RBJ and Si, for being legends at the weekends at the beginning of the year, doing the shit bits that no-one else wants to do, taking awesome piccies and taking five hours to do one page. Awesome!

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with ‘an hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form in next years paper. Go on!

A day to remember ...

Cardiff Graduate Recruitment Fair

An event for YOU to meet graduate recruiters from across Wales and the UK. YOUR chance to talk to top recruiters, who are looking for the best candidates to fill their vacancies. An opportunity for YOU to gain valuable information and make contact with over 40 organisations.

Thursday 13 June 2002,11.00 am to 4.00 pm, Great Hall, Studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Union The Graduate Recruitment Fair is FREE to graduates of any discipline and from any University.

Applying on Spec (1hr) Wednesday 12 June 11.00 am

CVs (1hr) Tuesday 11 June 2.00 pm

Pre-Fair Workshops Application Forms (1hr) Monday 10 June 11.00 am Wednesday 12 June 2.00 pm

Interviews (1hr) Monday 10 June 2.00 pm

Aptitude Tests (2hrs) Tuesday 11 June 10.00 am

To find out more/book your place on these workshops, check who will be exhibiting, read our top tips for the day or to find out how to get to the fair, log onto www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas or call into 5 Corbett Road, Cardiff.

The Careers Service Working for you ...

NATIONAL PROGRAMME OF

SUMMER FAIRS

Ag CA S

needadrink! Special Exam Promotion Buy 1 get 1 FREE*

PINT CARLING, Worthington, STRONGBOW, Btl VK Ice or Blue, Offer lasts until June 14th Bring your exam paper to the Tafarn Monday - Friday *While stocks last

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Opening hours:-

Monday - Saturday Sunday

11.00am - 1.00am 7.00pm - 10.30pm

ARTS • BOOKS • FILM • GAMES • GET THERE • MUSIC • TV

ROBBIE WILLIAMS • SHED SEVEN • AMELIE • GAMEBOY ADVANCE • SUPER FURRY ANIMALS • JACK NICHOLSON • GAIR RHYDD FILM CLUB • EMBRACE ROBIN HOOD PRINCE OF SLEAZE • BUSH • SCOTT CLARK • BLACK HAWK DOWN LOSTPROPHETS • OCEAN’S ELEVEN • OZOMATLI • JAMIROQUAI • IAN BROWN GAMECUBE • BRITNEY SPEARS • X-BOX • MCLUSKY • YEAH YEAH YEAH’S KYLIE • ATTACK OF THE CLONES • JAMES DONOVAN • A • SPIDERMAN

ARTS • BOOKS • FILM • GAMES • GET THERE • MUSIC • TV

Contents

02. Get There

Newly interactive and more pointless than ever: it can only be Get There!

04. Books

Books guru D.C provides some insightful comments about some up-andcoming literary releases.

05. Arts

Arts find out that there’s only one choice at the New Theatre and that’s Hobson’s Choice.

06. Games

Games review the best computer games of the year, and looks to the year ahead for the hottest releases.

07. Music

Music produce a bumper crop of live music, interviews and reviews including Doves, Fischerspooner and Ant and Dec.

10. Film

Film get overly excited about the prospect of Spiderman landing on these shores, and preview the other big summer movies.

15. TV Guide Far funnier than it has any right to be- it’s the Gair Rhydd TV guide!

GRiP Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Mike Parsons Arts Lizzie Brown and LaDonna Hall Books D.C. Gates Film Neil Blain Games Chris Faires Music Gemma Curtis, Andy Parsons, Gemma Jones and Nick McDonald Get There Neil Krajewski TV Listings Nick McDonald, Steve Hurst, Alex Macpherson and some tramp. GRiP needs your help! We are overworked and losing our minds. Visit our media penthouse on the 4th floor of the Union or • E-mail ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk

Get There

et There enters the final straight. Anyone hoping for a final burst of energy should wait a few weeks though as, once again, Get G There remains the only page that looks the same every week but is in fact different! This week, we review absolutely nothing and interview no-one. It’s all about dates in out little world and we’re all the better for it. Remember, gang: Get Hip – Get There! Well, we’re all out and leaving you in the apparently capable hands of the England cricket team. No, really! Whilst I probably prefer New Order’s Silent Face, your collective silent presence has been great this term. No complaints to letters and some packed out gigs, I’ll see you again soon.

Union Monday 10/06

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free. It’s not over yet they scream and indeed, for some, it’s not. However, hundreds will rejoice and lament the losses of friends past and present. Others will leave early afraid they’ll miss the next day’s early morning World Cup encounters (Denmark v France and Senegal v Uruguay if you didn’t know).

Tuesday 11/06

Candy @ Solus Postponed for this term, but set to return in September.

Wednesday 12/06 Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50. Hopefully, some of us will have a little something to feel good about. Whether we’ll feel as good the following day is even more doubtful.

Thursday 13/06

Long Good Thursday From 12pm, £2.50 after 7pm All room event where those of you who collect pound coins rather than tuppences can spend their money. Have a great time. But, remember POLAND (huge disappointments so far) v USA (tournament surprises) tomorrow.

Friday 14/06

Summer Ball 2002 @ CIA 7.30pm, sold out Useful end of year fanfare with Whigfield, Manchild, Trevor Nelson and Wheatus alongside the usual collection of ‘alternative’ forms of entertainment.

Saturday 15/06 It’s finished, concluded, ceased, ended, terminated, semester two that is! Perhaps the Taf will open though and thankfully the World Cup continues.

Sunday 16/06

Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, £1 Laid back sounds, wine and food. Decide on their order of importance for yourselves. Possibly cancelled due to lack of students though. Ronan’s playing the CIA though!

Clubbing Expect an extraordinary overhaul when you return from your overhaul. I expect to be inundated with your society socials,

Monday 10/06

Rational Thinking @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Drum’n’Bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings. Happy Mondays @ Barfly Sounds like a cash-in off the back of 24 Hour Party people to me, but you could always go and find out. Salsa Lessons @ Bar Med Probably an inferior version of that hosted by Bar Cuba, but probably worth a look. Guru Vibrations @ Berlins 9pm-2am. Soul, funk, hip-hop and, er, 80’s. NUS only. Why bother? One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue. Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus. Roger Sanchez @ Emporium 9pm, £16 L’America club night special featuring the man

they, and, hopefully, ‘they’ alone, refer to as the ‘S’ man. MAD @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. Rated Cardiff’s best by Zeus, you only need stand outside and look what’s next door to find out why. Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh? Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub. Possibly. Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for. Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night. Retro Night @ The Roxy Free entry. Retro music played in a club, one presumes. Oh, the joys of blatant sarcasm!

Tuesday 11/06

Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hip-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk. Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in! Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses. Hoochy Koochy @ The Emporium 9pm-2am, £1 b4 10pm/£2. Student madness, courtesy of the amusingly named Jockstrap 5. Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd. Bonk @ Zeus 9pm, £3 Teens, tunes and terror. Oh the joys of subtlety. Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place. Open til 1am just like most places. Alternative Beats @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day. Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thunk it?!? YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm, I dread to think what this might entail. Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun! Karaoke @ Reds If you must, I’ll not hold you back, but don’t expect me to join you unless you’re offering a duet. Shall I be your George, your Kiki or your Elton? Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously. Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s. Bar 150 @ Bar Med Everything £1.50 all night. Beware that this fact alone might not justify the name magnificent.

Wednesday 12/06

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffeur, but highly unlikely. Twisted by Design @ Model Inn £2 Official pre-Welsh club night, get stamped at Clwb and then come back here to enjoy a few hours of indie from the 60s to the present day. Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average. DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings. Shooters and Slammers Party Night @ Bar Med Theme night, where you get to shoot the retarded fuck-wits that drink here with a large gun, then slam their heads repeatedly into the bar. Maybe. Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out. Down to It @ Berlins 9pm-2am. I’d rather not, thanks. Ever.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name. Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out. The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott! Is it Chilled? @ Is it? Cafe. Bar. Place. If your week has brought you down to the depths, perhaps you’ll end up here to sink down still further. Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing. National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective. Wipeout @ Reds Meet UWIC students at their own night and steal secrets that could potentially accelerate the demise of the University of Wales. Handbag 120 @ Zeus 9pm-2am. Utterly evil with garage and r’n’b.

Thursday 13/06

Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though. Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late night bar and drinks offers. Hard House @ The End... DJ Jomec does the honours. Big In Japan @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. The coolest Japanese thing this side of Banzai. Cracking tunes, cool clientelle and a permanent in Clwb Ifor. Corking night all round. Plush @ Emporium £3 /£2. Anything with a groove, says the press release, and they’re not far wrong. Sexy, sassy and really too good for a Thursday, Plush truly is a top night for those who like their r‘n’b, garage and house slinky and sexy. Of course, if you’re a big Sisters of Mercy fan, you should give it a miss. Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass. From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance. Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of r’n’b. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Soul Power @ Liquid 9pm-2am. Soul and R & B, with Trevor Nelson every other week. A more extensive, and far less effective, version of Plush. Higher Learning @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hip-hopping and funky nature. Excellent night. Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray! Cabaret @ Minsky’s Show Bar Cabaret is the order of the day, usually courtesy of camp men dressed as women. Great fun, actually. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that Noel ‘All Man’ Sullivan of Hear’Say used to work here. Nudge nudge, wink wink etc.. Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry. Aspire @ Reds 9pm-2am. Great. Alternative Student Night @ The Roxy 10pm-2am. Another night clinging on to the word ‘alternative’, as if it makes any piss poor cobbled together event worth a look. It doesn’t. As The Strokes sort of said, This Is Shit.

Friday 14/06

Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8 Listings not available at time of writing. Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Forward Motion @ Moloko Cardiff’s underground comes together for those who can’t afford Emporium or Clwb. Chaos @ Metros 9pm -3am, £4 DJ Hwyel offers a selection of tunes in an alternative vain. Want your club night or event to be listed in the legendary Get There section? Then email us at SSUGR1@Cardiff.ac.uk including the date, time, price of your event, and we’ll include you on the page.

Get There

More loved every day

Tuesday 11/06

Ronan Keating + guests @ Cardiff International Arena, Sunday 16th June, 7pm, £21.50

Books As Fuel + Ryder + Valley Confusion @ Barfly 7.30pm, £3

Wednesday 12/06

Ten Benson + Martini Henry Rifles + One Way Mirror + Mildman @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Fantastic art-rock collective with comedy facial air arrive to promote their excellent new album. Heavily influenced by the Fall and with a decent sense of humour, Ten Benson live sets come highly recommended. The excellent Martini Henry Rifles offer local support.

Rejoice because Ronan’s on his way! I share my personal prince of pop with you for one night only. A singular talent blessed with a seductive accent and a fashion for unbuttoned shirts as poorly parodied by Terry Venables, Ronan is all you’ll ever need. First years! All last year’s exodus had on this, the magical last weekend of term, was Bon Jovi! Be grateful this year that Ronan, his surname can surely be omitted, will be there to glide you through a selection of his recent (beat that Jovi!) hit singles and perhaps, in Morrissey-esque style, he’ll play some old Boyzone favourites. Certain to be at his balladeering best, you’ll begin to wonder why no one had the good sense to book him for the ball! Heaven @ Evolution 9pm-2.30am. £10. Brash and brassy hard house night, with a liberal sprinkling of? Its not a sodding wrestling match, people, its a frigging disco! Exit Club 8pm, free entry before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Commercial chart and dance. Again! PLAY SOME DIFFERENT SODDING MUSIC! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Get Down and Groove @ Flares Til 2am. Funky disco says the press release. A bit crap says Get There. You decide. Mellow Mellow @ Metropolis Not the same as Metros; no this, is Metropolis where tonight Andy Loveless continues to move his mobile entertainment installation around the city. Is his name related to the My Bloody Valentine classic? Meet him and find out.

Thursday 13/06

The Libertines + The Candys + guests @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Everyone’s favourite new band celebrate entering the lower region of the Top 40 with a night in Cardiff. Expect modish ‘70s pop complete with bristles, brushes and, hopefully, as little of Weller as possible. The Candys have been trying to offer similar delights and may be just about to break through.

Flirt @ Club X 10pm - 4am, £9 Featuring Madam Friction and the Barin Bashers ROAR @ Vision 2K A confirmed appearance is rarer in the world of house and trance. Like the Gair Rhydd team, you always finds there’s so many demands and so little time. Listening to all those new 12”s can be so tedious. However, if they find the time, expect JFK, Charlotte Birch and Lisa Lashes. BK vs Nick Sentience@ Elements (formerly, Reds) 9pm Celebrity deckmatch brought you by the people from Bionic who on this occasion, bizarrely, abandon their regular home at Emporium. Heavy Metal @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Unsurprisingly, heavy metal. Actually very good at what it does, though.

Meal Deal McCoys Crisps Bottle of Coke Fanta or Lilt Sutherland Sandwiches triple pack

All £2.50

Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk

www.cardiffstudents.com

clones are their Scouse mates but The Music have cancelled ‘cos they’re ill. Gutted. The Please + 3 Random Words + Blue From a Gun @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4

Saturday 15/06

Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though. Jon the Dentist + Shane Morris @ Elements (Formerly Reds) If these people really were the Superstars they pretend to be, would they really play in Reds? Deliciously Wicked @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Repulsively awful would be a more accurate description. Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look! The Big Party @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. The party sounds like a great idea. Sadly,it’s in Dylan’s. Funky Techno @ The End... 8pm-11pm, with One Mission DJ’s. At last! A night a decent night at The End The ever reliable One Mission crew do what they do best – make people smile and dance! Skool Disco Party @ Philharmonic 9.30pm -2am The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler. Weekend MadCelebeness @ Bar Cuba 10pm-2am. £2/£4. DJ Andy Loveless. Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray! Glam Night @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Expect an orgy of all things glam. Apart from Gary Glitter, of course. And Jonathan King. Or that bloke from Slade... Desire @ Zeus 9pm-3am. A night so unimaginably bad, I refuse to waste a witty comment on it. Deep Heat @ Club X Dance and Funky house

Sunday 16/06

Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs.

Live Music Fantastic final week of live action. So much to choose from and so little time. Forget your packing, your parents and your car will wait for you and make sure you make it out of the house this week! I’d give it up, trade it all in, just to have Fugazi back again though.

Monday 10/06

Kid 606 + Gold Chains + Guapo + Furrysounds (DJs) @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm-2am, £10 First big night occurs on the first day of the week. Super Furries DJ to warm up for the main event, the appearance of electronic cut ‘n’ paste hero Kid 606 as he prepares for the marvellous Sonar festival in Barcelona. Guapo make a lot of noise whilst Gold Chains offers futuristic hip-hop in support. Awesome. The Coral + The Hoken Clones @ Cardiff Coal Exchange 7.30pm, £8 Welsh stop on the NME 5.0 tour. Featuring two praiseworthy talents set to cement their reputations over the coming summer. The Coral offer distorted charismatic melodies from Liverpool The Hoken

Friday 14/06

Quiksand Charlie + The Sugarhouse + Kill Whitely @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Might be worth staying for Fever as an alternative to the Ball! That is if you want to hear James for the last time.

Saturday 15/06

Fenton + Disraeli Gears + Pocket Venus @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Saturday night spectacular

Sunday 16/06

Acoustic Jam @ The Toucan Club 8pm, FREE. A chance for all budding songsters to get up andshow off their wares, which is usually a good thing. Ronan Keating @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £21.50adv. See left.

Arts Aesop’s Fables @ The Sherman Performances all week. Classic dramatic story-telling for your younger brothers and sisters.

Coming Up For those of you fortunate enough to be staying nearby, here’s a selection of events to ponder over Enon + Cex + Random Number @ Clwb Ifor Bach Monday 17th June, £tbc Excellent noise of avant garde sounds featuring bands whose entourage include members of Brainiac, Blonde Redhead and Hood. Roger McGuinn @ Coal Exchange Friday 21st June, £17 Expensive, but without this member of the seminal Byrds there might be no REM and hence no Idlewild and no... follow it through for yourselves. Spiritualized @ Great Hall Thursday 27th June, £12 From opera houses to University social centres, Spiritualized are certainly coming down. Nevertheless, I don’t doubt that they’ll be fantastic at this Glastonbury warm-up with huge solos and epic sounds securely in tow. Amen @ Newport TJs Tuesday 16th July, £9 Incredible metal from the strapped for cash Americans. Apparently, they need to raise funds in order to record a new album so please help if you possibly can! Escape into the Park Saturday 27th July Huge dance event in Swansea spread over several marquees featuring all of your favourite club nights in Cardiff and the unmissable Pay As You Go Cartel. Fantastic. There’s no more Gair Rhydd society until September. All contributions greatly appreciated! And thanks for keeping us up-to-date all year!

booksreviews

Take ’five SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5 Kurt Vonnegut, 1969

terrestrial philosophies. One such philosophy stems from the aliens’ ability to look at time the same way that we look at “a stretch of the Rocky mountains”, with it CLASSIC is something you know is all laid out to see. Taking this perspective, good but haven’t actually read. A cult we are shown Billy’s life in a way that classic is something you’ve neither leaps back and forward in time, from postread nor even heard of, but you’re slightly war suburban marriages to childhood and cool and probably slightly bearded friend back to wartime. insists is the bomb. One massive candidate This might sound like bollocks on paper, for the move from ‘cult’ to ‘classic’ is Kurt but Vonnegut handles these themes and Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5. the schizoid chronology without ever losing Armed with one of the most recognisable touch with the story at the heart of the prose styles of the last 50 years, The Big V novel. The aliens’ view of humanity is a master conversationalist, storyteller and highlights the absurdity of our lives in a digressionalist. He throws truth and satire at similar way to This might sound like Joseph Heller’s bollocks on paper, but Catch-22, but Vonnegut handles these with compassion themes and the schizoid in place of chronology without ever nihilism. The losing touch with the story mystery of how at the heart of the novel Vonnegut retains his humour and clear-eyed everything he touches in equal measure, wisdom in the face of what he went filling his books with warm humour and through in Dresden is what makes the brutal honesty. novel so appealing. The first chapter of Slaughterhouse 5 After a hundred pages of anticipation deals with the problems Vonnegut had in the description of the fire-bomb massacre trying to write his wartime memoirs. As a US soldier in WW2, he witnessed the is reluctantly delivered in just a few firebombing of Dresden, a singular atrocity numbed lines – the wreck of the city is with a death toll twice as large as like “the surface of the moon”. And then Hiroshima. The problems, Vonnegut this and two or three other horrors are hit concedes, are that memoirs are a) home by Vonnegut’s brief interventions of horrifically painful, and b) full of bullshit. “I was there”. So with this in mind, chapter 2 embarks Understanding and overwhelmingly on the fictional memoir of a fictional positive, Kurt Vonnegut is a rare sort of member of Vonnegut’s platoon; Billy Pilgrim. writer who gives the impression of Billy believes he was once kidnapped by having really learned from his life. aliens, who taught him about their extraMat Croft

The cult of the occult THE OCCULT CONSPIRACY Michael Howard (MJK Books 1989) READER BEWARE, for there are more things in heaven and earth than your philosophies could possibly wager. Well we can hopefully find the less heavenly ones, if we look hard enough. It has long been maintained that behind the scenes, secret societies have worked to ensure, or to hold up, the smooth workings of society. The murder of Pope John Paul I for example, has been blamed on the right wing factions within the Vatican, who despised the clear liberalist, pro-gay approach of John Paul. If or not you actually believe it, this book is downright interesting. It works through a series of

FAUSTUS: the occult, yesterday. That’s me on the right, you know

historical events, from the dark ages, all the way through to the good ‘ole eighties. The chronological approach acts to ‘authenticate’ the reality of what Howard is saying. Boy is it fun! Anyone who remembers the fuss about Michael Baigent’s The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail (70’s book; Jesus had a son, holy grail, yada yada yadaEd) will be in seventh heaven with this. It all may seem a little crackpot and new-fangled, but it isn’t really, it’s a damn lot of fun. As a bonus for those with a short attention span, the book features a series of plates in the middle pages, to illustrate the salient points of the book. Some of the more interesting ones feature George Washington as a Freemason, Rasputin, Sir Francis Dashwood and Gates’ favourite occultist; the one and only Aleister Crowley. How the heck is that for an ugly bunch? The book also features a reading list of the greatest books ever written on occult subjects. Anyone researching the occult will not go wrong with the bibliography, which is both comprehensive and easy to understand. Chapters discuss everything, from the Ancient mystery schools, the American Dream and Nazism’s occult connection. The book features fabulous little insights that illustrate the points neatly and succinctly. Did you know that Adolph Hitler had visions of Germany’s loss in the First World War? The section on modern times is of particular interest, but fails in one key respect: it fails to slander Maggie Thatcher. Bastards. All in all, a good introduction to the world of the occult. Perhaps it lacks the firestorm of controversy surrounding The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, but if you want to fully understand Baigent’s dense volume, then I’d recommend reading this one first. Sam Brokenshawe

It’s a literary summer YES, IT’S that time of year again...time to say goodbye and embrace the grim figure of the real world once more. But do not fret, gentle reader, for Books is at hand to guide you on this most perilous of paths, with suggestions for summer reading The Friendship Book of Francis Gay

“BOOM! BEING such a hearty fellow, you might not think that I had time for anything that couldn’t be fought, quaffed or devoured. Sadly, you’d be

wrong. After sustaining near-mortal wounds whilst simultaneously climbing Mount Everest with The Flying Scotsman on my back, and foiling the Yeti, I lay abed for a few days. My houseboy salvaged this little number from my bedding pile, and I became enchanted with its heart-warming tales of dutiful postmen, charming butchers, and big dogs. What’s more, these are true stories, sent in by the readers of a certain Scotsbased weekly. It’s so sugary that I almost dipped it in my bucket of tea. Boom!” Brian Blessed

HAPPY NOODLE BOY: this picture quite accurately expresses what Books feel like at the moment

Chronicle of a Death Foretold Gabriel Garcia Marquez

“MMM, YES, a delightful little book, told as a retrospective investigation into a murder, whilst reconstructing it as if it was happening now. Reminds me of dear old Ivor Novello – he could never stand anything going on for too long. Now he’s gone, poor dear. What? The book? Oh yes. A classic example of the ‘magic realism’ school of writing, with Marquez’ trademark style remaining as melancholic as always. Speaking of melons, did I ever tell you about that summer I spent with Jayne Mansfield?” Laurence Olivier (deceased)

The Principles of Art

R. G. Collingwood “OH, CHRIST, my head! If only I’d paid attention to this I might not be in this position. Y’see, being a millionaire semi-fascist animation tycoon grown fat off the back of a cartoon mouse sorta blinded me to the actual definition of art, and the principles of aesthetics that should guide the artist and his community. So frickin’ cold in here, folks! It’s not too academic, and it’s a really interesting read. Just wish I had some hands, though. And the rest. Ouch! Jesus H, that fuckin’ mouse! Walt Disney (well, his head)

B L E S S E D : p u t i t d o w n , i t ’s n o t a s a u s a g e ro l l

Johnny the Homicidal Maniac – Director’s Cut

Jhonen Vasquez YES, IT’S a comic book, and comic books are for nerds, right? Well, what the hell are you doing reading this, then? Books are for nerds too – in fact, anything readable other than a newspaper is the intellectual property of the full-on NERD. The eponymous hero of JTHM is a nerd as well, except one that carries knives, and frequently uses them. Very frequently, in fact. Throughout the book, Johnny kills and maims a variety of people, becoming part of an immense existential satire, taking in Heaven (“I have head-explody!”) and Hell, a goth café0, and the taco joint. What’s more, this compilation features the bizarre adventures of the badly-drawn stick-figure lunatic, Happy Noodle Boy, which manage to be more disturbing than anything else in the book. Oh, and it’s in black and white. Mmm, extra gloomy!

THANK YOU! Books tearfully extends its hand to all those who have contributed this year; never mind, it’ll look better next time. Special thanks are due to Nick McDonald for acting as a secretary (although not for ripping the piss in the TV listings), Sam Brokenshawe for having something for us almost every week, and to Jane Eyre, who will be the Books commissar next year. Good luck... Thanks also to the following, for inspiration &c: Max Cannon, Mark E. Smith, Flannery O’Connor, Leon Trotsky, John Peel, Mister T., George Grosz, and a selection of distillers and tobacconists throughout the land. Finally, we’d like to thank you, the readers of gair rhydd, for...[sniff]...no, it’s something in my eye, I’ll be all right...shit! it’s an eyeball! And it isn’t mine!

artsreviews

Striking a discord IDEVIAN CREW PRESENTS FUICCHI (DISCORD) St. David’s Hall

PICTURE CAN say a thousand words and a gesture may even tell a thousand more pictures, as Shigehiro Ide, the enfant terrible of Japanese modern dance, demonstrates. Ide was schooled in conventional dance until he decided to break away from the establishment, drawing inspiration from a wide mix of styles including hip-hop, ballet, butoh and

dressed in traditional Japanese black mourning garb. Set mostly to vibrant Latin music, the dancing is quirky, arms and legs akimbo, butts stuck out and with necks stretched out like chickens, like Bjork transposed to the zombie scene in Thriller. If you like to watch graceful curves and supine backs and pirouettes, then you’ve missed the point. Fuichhi does not try to beautify movement but uses it as a form of realistic expression. The dance moves through scenes, exaggerations of real life. You watch and think, ‘oh yeah, that is what happens’. In one scene, people are sat down in two long lines of chairs, facing

Set mostly to vibrant Latin music, the dancing is quirky, with arms and legs akimbo observations of everyday human behaviour to set up his own dance company, Idevian Crew. Fuichhi is a dance production with meaning. The set is minimalist with a backdrop of vertical black and white stripes and there are 11 dancers, all

forward, expressionless, as though in a bus queue maybe. Sat there for some length, a man at the front starts to get restless, and moves about increasingly more, not realising the others are copying him. His actions become increasingly

HOBSON’S CHOICE New Theatre THE SAYING ‘Hobson’s Choice’ passed into common use from the practices of one Thomas Hobson, a Cambridge livery stables owner and waggoner. Customers coming into his stables had no choice of horse, hence only Hobson’s Choice. Set in Salford, Lancashire in the 1880’s and written by Harold Brighouse, Hobson’s Choice has been performed extensively since 1915. The play is about Henry Hobson, an old widowed man, the owner of a prestigious bootmaking business. Living amicably with his three daughters, Maggie, Alice and Vicky, things seem start to shake up a bit when the two youngest daughters, Alice and Vicky get restless and talk of marriage. Will Mossop is an excellent bootmaker but a shy and simple man. One day a wealthy Miss. Hepworth comes into the shop with nothing but praise for Will Mossop, saying that he has made the best pair of boots that she has ever had and she wants him to continue making all her shoes. Spurred on by this praise and feeling a bit left on the shelf at 30, Maggie is determined that she is going to marry Will. It doesn’t matter that Will doesn’t love her at first and that he’s going out with someone else or that her father thinks the idea is absolutely ridiculous, as Maggie gets what she want’s in the end. A month later, Maggie marries Mossop with a brass ring on her finger. Settled in their new home in two cellars, Maggie sets about moulding her man and plans that sees Will becoming an educated man

more absurd, until only a few dancers are willing to copy him, Ide is saying, ‘yes people long for freedom of expression but how far are they willing to go for that right?’ The man at the front catches everyone behind him and now realises he has power. But then others assume the position of power and as the balance of power becomes muddied, the leader is thrown to the back. Maybe Ide is saying that people conform first in one state (imperialism, fascism?) but then conform in another, (capitalism?) believing that they are free but they are only fully free once they stop following someone else. The chairs then become the chairs in a theatre maybe, laid out in two long rows rather than columns. A woman dances but when the music stops suddenly no-one in our audience claps. One clap hesitantly starts off in the audience on stage until finally, the whole of the group is clapping. The scene mimics exactly the dilemma every audience member faces ‘When do we clap and how we sometimes want to clap but are too afraid to do so because no–one else is, or the other way round, we are

and establishing a bootmaking business of his own which overtakes her fathers. The daughter’s deception of their father lies on the border is questionably comedic. It leaves you wondering whether they should have gone to such lengths to deceive their old man when maybe a bit more communication might have done the trick. With the decline of his business and all his daughters gone, Hobson has fallen deeper into chronic alcoholism. A doctors advice says the only way for him to get back on his feet is totally abstinence, some medicine and some female discipline in the house. After much of his own complaining, Maggie returns but will only stay in the house if Will allows her to. One year after his marriage, it appears that Will is a much more confident and self-assured man, unbelievably so. Will and Maggie turn the situation to their advantage. Will demands that he becomes the partner of Hobson so that he can move his business over there and become even more successful. Buckling under the pressure, Hobson gives in. A relieved Mosop ‘by gums’ himself towards the end and shows us that this hard exterior was actually only an act. At the end of the day, Mossop remains as humble as ever but he and Maggie have come a long way. The play is a social commentary on middle class and working class values. It asks us if people retain their values from whatever background they came. Can people change their social stature through their own choice or is it purely Hobson’s Choice? Pauline Cheung

only clapping because everyone else is’. At times, Fuicchi is uncomfortably quiet, there are bits which test the patience and some scenes where you can’t really see if there was a specific point. But overall, Fuicchi demonstrates amazingly the amount of ideas that can be suggested – not

just feelings that a person is feeling but complex concepts and philosophical ideas, through only gesture. Discordant yet humanist, funny yet never taking itself too seriously, Fuicchi is a lively, ironic observation on human conformist behaviour. Pauline Cheung

Arts size up the summer

RE YOU one of the hard core few sticking around Cardiff for most of the summer? If so, then you’ll be dying to know what the various artsy establishments are offering for your entertainment and sheer pleasure over the next few months. So as our parting gift to you we present the best events worthy of your attention and attendance THE SHERMAN From 25th – 29th June the excellent Hijinx Theatre present Angel’s Don’t Need Wings, which utilises the talents of members of Odyssey TheatreHijinx’s community group for people with learning disabilities. Also watch out for Dance Bites S A RT O R I A L TA S T E : N i c h o l a H o p e Back as Welsh Independent Dance show off their new dance commissions from award winning choreographer Jasmin Vardimon. From 12 – 13th July. For more info phone 02920 646900. CHAPTER ARTS CENTRE For an evening of theatre at Chapter this summer you could do worse than head for Witi Ihimaera’s Woman Far Walking. This powerful one woman monologue is set at the time of the Treaty of Waitangi, a landmark agreement between New Zealand’s British settlers and native Maori’s. Ihimaera’s story gives a unique insight into 161 years of New Zealand’s political and social history, through visually engaging design and production. A free talk back session with the company follows this performance. Wednesday 26th June at 8pm. For more info ring 029 2030 4400. THE GALLERY ON BROADWAY (11 Broadway, Cardiff, off Newport Road) Check out more of Nichola Hope’s artwork from 3rd-30th July. For more info ring 02920 492322. ST. DAVID’S HALL If cuddly ageing atronomers are your thing, then you can’t miss Patrick Moore as he delivers a celebrity lecture entitled First Contact on Thursday 20th June. Join him as he contemplates the wonder and immense possibilities of the universe and the all important issue of whether life beyond our planet actually exists.....And although you can’t beat the Albert Hall for the ultimate Prom atmosphere, the Welsh Proms may come a close second as a wide variety of music is presented from 18th-27th July. For more info ring 02920 878444.

gamesreviews g

Games of the year 1. REZ (DC/ PS2) SEGA Game of the year/ Gaming moment of the year/ Best graphics The world of Rez is everything that a video game should be put together to maximum effect. It combines trance music, art, architecture and makes you love them more. The graphics are truly jaw-dropping and draw you into this incredible synthesis of sound, vision and you. It's everything that a video game should be, a perfect example of the medium. The best moment? A tie, between the introduction to the first boss when the music has built up into such a frenzy that you are dying to unleash your firepower upon it, or the incredible spectacle of the fourth 'running man' boss.

2. PRO EVOLUTION SOCCER (PS2) Best Sports Title

THE SECOND greatest gaming moment being the weirdest own goal of all time. Seaman leaps up to catch a shot from Giggs, with the ball heading towards Big Dave's safe pair of hands, I turn my eyes off the screen. Ten seconds later: goal. On the replay, which I watch open-mouthed: Rio Ferdinand had run towards the ball, pushing Seaman onto the line. At the same time, Ashley Cole had stormed in from the edge of the area right into big Dave, pushing him over the line. A truly shocking occurrence.

HALO: Stunning

original and catering for multiple players. Excellent.

5. MARIO KART (GBA) Best handheld game PARTLY FOR the realisation of what the GBA can do. So small, but the gameplay is so pure, so soft and so fun.

6. PROJECT GOTHAM RACING (XBOX)

“IS THERE any thing better than doing a handbrake turn outside Westminster while listening to the White Stripes?” asked Willoughby in Sense and Sensibility. No, he did. Look it up.

3. HALO (XBOX) Best multiplayer

7. SONIC ADVANCE (GBA)

A STUNNING shooter of the highest order. The graphics and sound are fantastic, the controls intuitive and the AI some of the most advanced ever seen. A game so near perfection, if only some of its levels were shorter to encourage repeat play like Goldeneye, or its later levels less repetitive then it could overtake Bond's adventure, but it still is the reason to buy an Xbox.

4. SUPER MONKEY BALL (GC) Best Puzzle game REZ: superlatives abound for the best of 2001/ 02

ARGUABLY IT’S more a game of skill than thinking, but many scientists would disagree and point out that SMB is not only the best Gamecube game out, but a absolute classic as well as being

RETRO GAMING goes handheld in a blue flash from the coolest hedgehog who ever lived. We like, we like mucho.

8. SHENMUE 2 (DC)

LOSE YOURSELF in the beautiful world of Shenmue, an incredible adventure that shows a mature side to gaming.

9. DENKI BLOCKS (GBA)

NO, REALLY, it’s ‘king awesome. The puzzles are genius, and there's no feeling like it when you finally solve what you have thought was an absolute impossibility.

10. DEVIL MAY CRY (PS2)

AWESOME DEMON slicing and shooting adventure.

Most anticipated Games presents a Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) influenced guide to the future THE GETAWAY (PS2) 30 MILES of photographs around London have been used to accurately recreate the world of The Getaway, where Driver meets the gangster underworld of The Long Good Friday in Sony’s big hope for the year. REPUBLIC: THE REVOLUTION (PC) ONE OF the most ambitious titles ever

THE GETAWAY

produced, Republic creates a fictitious East European state, where you must overthrow the president by developing your own faction, in politics, crime, business or religion. Over one million AI's exist in a vast 3D city. LEGEND OF ZELDA (GC) IT'S GOING to sell millions, even if archzealots despise the graphical style. But– wow! Surely, this will be a standout title for the Gamecube. The story has taken second place to the luxurious celshaded graphics, but it will be that which you buy Zelda for. FABLE (AKA PROJECT EGO) (Xbox) Peter Molyneux’s RPG gives you control over the life of a hero, from birth to death, with every action you take having consequences for the future. No two games will be the same. Expect to wait a while for the thousands of bugs to be ironed out. CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER 4 (PC) LIKE YOU couldn't guess.

Details are being kept under wraps, but rumours are that agents are introduced. SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE (GC) THE WORLD-FAMOUS plumber comes back with an all-new adventure, which has something to do with using a water cannon to wipe away graffiti.

LEGEND OF ZELDA

SUPER MONKEY BALL 2 (GC) NEW LEVELS, upgraded minigames plus the salivating thought of both monkey soccer and monkey tennis. BLINX: THE TIME SWEEPER (Xbox) ANOTHER GAME which uses time, and thus is hyping itself as a platformer in four dimensions. Blinx is a cat who works in the time factory, but when he finds out a princess is in trouble, he takes matters into his own hands. He can control the flow of time by recording then playing back events. Should be very interesting.

SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE

REPUBLIC: THE REVOLUTION

musicsingles

Football crazy

07 criticise when we’re doing it right”, they say. Not that I would when they release tracks as good as these. For a band named after a skunk they certainly don’t stink. Andy Parsons

CURVESIDE Save Yourself (Fuzzbox) WHAT A fantastic idea, having a chorus which simply comprises of shouts of ‘yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah’. Real original guys. Like, I totally love this shit. I’m totally going to buy a million copies. Is sarcasm the lowest form of humour? I personally think puns still take the biscuit. Jamie Fullerton

ANT & DEC We’re On The Ball (Columbia)

(Koch Records)

THE WORLD Cup is a festival of branding opportunities, so PJ and Duncan use it to reverse public perception of their sexuality. Football songs aren’t necessarily dire, witness Scottish wit circa World cup ’82 with We Have a Dream, or The Anfield Rap but this is truly excremental. Cursed with the tag of officialdom, Dunc and more memorably, PJ, ‘sing’ the lyrics wot they wrote on the back of a fag packet, with no cliché left unbothered. It’s enough to make you wish for a return to Lets Get Ready to Rumble and Krazy Kats. “Beckham to Heskey,/ Heskey to Owen/ to nod” indeed. “Is it a hit?” asks PJ. No it’s a Chris Waddle of a miss. This is the work of brass balls. Nick Mcdonald

WYCLEF JEAN Two Wrongs (Columbia) THE BEE Gees! Let me tell you! What a fantastic band they were, so many hits, a career spanning decades and the squeakiest voices of a generation. All the hallmarks of great Bee Gee’s classics are stamped on this release and can I tell you I was excited to hear it! What? f... f... Fugees? What? Not the Bee Gees? Oh bugger... As the title says folks, two wrongs, they don’t make a right, so give up Wyclef, ‘coz you’re bloody shite. Sam Brokenshaw

BADLY DRAWN BOY Something To Talk About (XL) STILL NOT managed to see this guy without the damn tea cosy thing on his head, but I’ve been told to overlook that slight oddity and just appreciate the music. Wish granted; Something To Talk About is fabulous. Picture the scene: a park, midsummer, the birds are singing and there is a gentle breeze, there’s an ice cream van just around the corner and you have just enough for a ‘99 and a flake. This is Something to Talk About – and if you can get past the fairy-tale analogy, you’ll know what I mean. Katie Brunt

CHAD KROEGER FEAT JOSEY SCOTT Hero (Roadrunner) NICKLEBACK’S (EPITOME of ‘nicer than nice’) frontman Chad Kroeger celebrates the release of forthcoming movie Spiderman in true Nickleback ‘epic’ style, with this grand gesture from the official soundtrack. Filled with heartfelt and powerful vocals and a crashing orchestral backing, Kroeger manages to surpass even Nickleback in the emotive-power-ballad stakes. Featuring Josey Scott on backing vocals, it’s apparent why this is a big hit with middle America and it’ll probably sell to the same middle of the

road folks over here too. Someone really should crank it up though as it’s all getting rather bland and fake. Gemma Jones

is the only redeeming aspect of the track. Tune in in three months time for the next edition of Big Impression. Katie Brunt

ATHLETE You Got The Style

LAYO AND BUSHWACKA Love Story

(Parlophone) WHAT SPLENDID news. Athlete, who promised so much with their self-titled debut EP, have made it back with this similarly storming follow-up. Though dabbling with disconcertingly near Sting-esque vocals, panic not, because it’s tinged with a leery, blokey edge, far removed from any tantric teasing. Instead, the result is a lazy summer trip of melodica and simplistic barely there guitar gloss. A tune that solemnly drives into the grey matter, while reflecting a spinningout stoner state of mind. Classy lethargy. Gemma Curtis

POOR RICH ONES Drown EP (REC 90) SO THE Smashing Pumpkins beat them to title many years ago. They also beat them in terms of tunesmithery. The trouble with this new release from Poor Rich Ones is that basically, its boring. The songs don’t really seem to go anywhere, nor does the general attitude of things.The addition of two, very dull, live tracks including Oslo, (they’re Scandinavian) fail to cheer things up. Go back to the pubs guys. Sam Brokenshaw

SUM 41 It’s What We’re All About (Columbia) NOW THEN, it strikes me that Sum 41 are playing a little game with us. It’s called ‘Big Impression’ and the victim on the current single It’s What We’re All About is The Beastie Boys. The chorus, “Rock is what we’re all about/ it’s what we live for/ we wanna shout it out’” is utter toss. The instrumental in the middle is pretty damn cool, featuring Guns N’ Roses (all part of the game of course) but that

THE SUPERNATURALS Life Is A Motorway

(XL) THERE’S NOTHING about this love story that refuses to be pigeon-holed with any other dance records apart from ‘brilliant’. Beginning the tale with rumbling techno, it then makes way for a dirty bass guitar riff that takes Love Story to magnificent super-charged heights. It’s been around for over a year now but this classic still has the wow-factor as a guaranteed floor filler. Kathryn Archer

NUMBER ONE SON Hourglass (Visible Noise) NU- METAL is starting to sound increasingly dated these days, and Number One Son certainly don’t offer anything new. Copied straight from the book of Fred Durst agit-rock without as much melody as Linkin Park or Lost Prophets. The sound is so familiar, you can recognise the riffs, beats and rapstyle vocals as being pulled from one of the other nu-metal bands at the moment. The second track is slightly better, with a more hardcore sound, yet it still sounds anger packed and shrinkwrapped. Pauline Cheung

THE NON-AWAITED return of The Supernaturals suggests that time has been well spent because, guess what? Life Is a Motorway! It’s a reminder that Hitler invented the autobahn. The comedy record as the last fart of a career path can never be good. And indeed, this isn’t, sounding like a football record from Dodgy, with Keith Allen pulling the strings. Too many dreadful lyrics to reproduce here which is at least what makes me think it’s a comedy record. Toll charges now! Nick McDonald

CLINIC Come Into Our Room (Domino) “A CD is a round piece of silicon with a smaller round piece of nothing in the middle,” said lead singer of the band Clinic as he passed around a bottle of petrol. This song was then invented to be a solution to that fact. It is still a CD playing in the CD player, but they have filled the hole in the middle with a kind of hallucionogenic trancy feeling of transcendental floatiness. If you have a hole inside of you, it will probably not fill it in the same way, but this CD will send little pieces of harmonical beats pinging off the inside of your psyche. Soothing? I think not. This is a track that you would like to listen to after you’ve simultaneously studied the brains of babies for your pyschology degree, ate a large breakfast and drunk a bottle of gin – all you’d like to do is collapse. This song is just like that – the weird harmonica sounds and spiritualized style eeriness will fill you

PEP LE PEW Hiphocracy/ Yr Magwriaeth (Boobytrap) ANOTHER QUALITY release from the Boobytrap label, though this time they’ve left the guitars at home and decided to showcase the considerable hip hop talents of Pep Le Pew. A dual language release, Hiphocracy is a funky organ led tune sung in English, while the superior Welsh flipside has a fantastic looped string melody and piles of attitude. It goes to show that it’s not just the French who can rap in their own language and sound cool. “Don’t

ATHLETE: Industrial Scenes

with a sense of lethargy that is akin to babysitting your stepbrother. Clinic, then, try too hard and you can hear it in the way that the random lyrics are pieced together with no sense of structure. A non-essential purchase. Andy Graham

THE COGNITION So Different/ Buffalo (Full On) OH DEAR, you’ve not been listening at the back, have you? It’s not who you know or where your from anymore, it’s how you look and that you don’t sound like a posthumous reinvention of Hurricane #1 that matters these days. Ignoring opener So Different as perhaps an unfortunate mistake, Buffalo manages to regain, if possible, some credit in which the syllables of ‘buffalo’ are screamed over a primal and, unfortunately, over-familiar guitar sound. We’ve been here before and hope for the days when embarrassingly derived indie bands think looking bored in plain-white T-shirts makes for good cover-art is sadly wishful thinking. Dave Gibson

THE FANTASTIC SUPER FOOFS Bilo Boss (Floating Toast Records) THE FOOFS, as they like to call themselves, have perhaps been a little unfairly treated in most reviews. It’s not that they’re that bad, merely not very good at all. But then, there’s not that much to say about Bilo Boss. It’s just a bland recounting of some girl or other. Will McLusky-lite do? Nick McDonald

TOMMY AND THE CHAUFFEUR Kids’ Chorus EP (Boobytrap) WITH AN acclaimed live reputation already in the bag, this second EP sees Cardiff’s Tommy And The Chauffeur kick off 2002 in some style. In particular, the title track – a schizophrenic mixture of wide-eyed whimsy, ear-splitting guitar and an emotionally devastating vocal from James Chant – is tipsy on its own inventiveness. Despite the occasionally overbearing production, it’s an impressive effort. The EP ends with the sampled threat that ‘if you don’t buy it, I wish you sever chest pains all your life’; better do as they say, then. Alex Macpherson

musicalbums

HIGH CONTRAST True Colours (Hospital Records) THE DRUM n’ Bass tag doesn’t do anything approaching justice to Cardiff prodigy, High Contrast. Rising dj/ producer Lincoln Barret should get a much bigger audience with this debut album, such is his breathtaking range of influences. High Contrast’s background in film is a timely reminder that degrees can in fact, be useful. Obviously involved with the soundscape aspects of D n’ B, he crafts a beautiful soundtrack. Some may notice a similarity to David Holmes here and indeed, Barret has more in common with him than most D n’ B practitioners. But still he refuses to be pinned down. The soul, Detroit and Motown elements are here, spectacularly so on Music is Everything but the rhythms display a far greater variety. There’s a great knowledge of Brazilian rhythms, especially samba and a certain devotion to Morricone. Bass is figured much lower in the mix than most D n’ B leaving Barret to construct his cityscape on top. This is truly ahem, intelligent D n’B. It’s an incredibly diverse concept and perhaps welcomes too many styles with open arms but always with tightly reigned production. Besides, when that’s the sole complaint with a debut, it’s surely a recommendation for the future. Highly recommended. Nick McDonald

True Colours shining through THE SCOOTERS I Can See Your House From Here (FF Vinyl) TIMING DOESN’T seem to be an important consideration for The Scooters. Starting the album with a song called This is How it Ends, an epic grower with strings thrown in, it seems that being stuck in the 60’s sunshine pop stable suits them fine. From the echoey vocals, backing harmonies, winding organs and jangly guitars, just about every pore of this album smells like the 60’s. Time has been on their side though, and they seem to be getting on alright. This second album sees them developing a more subtle and rounded sound rather than continuing with the instantly gratifying power pop of their last album Peepshow. Although slower, they still haven’t lost their sense of melody and hook. It doesn’t take more than a couple of listens to some of these songs before you’ll be singing along in your head or out loud. However, with the exception of Paperback and Tranny Song, the lyrics don’t seem to offer much interest or narrative. Lennon’s presence is felt on the dreamy Paperback with it’s organ and lyrics about a the kind of person who tries too hard to make out they’re cultured – “It’s just an extract from an old paperback/ it’s just an old line but it gets them everytime.” Tranny Song shows them being less serious about controversy as it’s about how anyone you know could be a tranny, but the lyric are appaling, “He’s a nice enough guy/ wouldn’t hurt a fly/ but just don’t steal his beer?” Straight after this comes the lovely gospel-like Cry but the amateurish clichéd line “I might just fade away” spoils it. They certainly haven’t failed on production counts as they flew all the way out to Los Angeles to record, and it does sound very lush – like it was handled by the hands of Brian Wilson or Spector but unlike them, they don’t do anything to bend the rules. Come on Scooters, next thing I want to hear is a Drum n’ Bass remix of your next single. Any chance? Pauline Cheung

KELLI ALI Tigermouth

(One Little Indian) SIX YEARS ago, Kelli Ali was a potential indie icon. Frontwoman for industrial trip-hoppers Sneaker

Pimps, her aloof, sneering vocals emanated a detached contempt for everything in her path. “Don’t think ‘cos I understand I care”, she once sang. You wouldn’t want to mess with her, not because she was especially fearsome, but because she really wouldn’t care: Ali’s rejection of emotional display simultaneously disturbed and empowered. Now – Sneaker Pimps plunged into deserving indie obscurity after the ditching of Ali by her jealous Sleeperblokes – Ali’s refusal to care has become a flaw. There’s no evidence of the aggression or anger which she displayed with Sneaker Pimps; instead, there are ten drippily bland odes to love, happiness and sunshine which Ali proves unable to invest with any kind of feeling. All triphop-lite muzak and vacuous vocal melisma, Tigermouth resembles nothing more than out-takes from the Dido sessions rejected for being too dull. “So much beauty in every soul”, Ali quavers beatifically in Fellow Man; it’s a line bereft of point, meaning or truth which the Kelli Ali of 1996 would never have dreamt of uttering. She used to be the perfect postmodern sleaze. Now, she claims to be a tigermouth, but she’s lost her bite. Alex Macpherson

GROOVE ARMADA Another Late Night (Azumi) PUTTING A few favourite records together for a compilation is not a difficult task, but to fuse together a mosaic of late night treats is something else. What Tom and Andy Groove Armada have created here is a blend of deep, deep house, classic soul, hip-hop flavours and more than that, are completely unaware of their own originality. It’s a finely crafted mix that strikes the balance between personal selection and the listening experience. Groove Armada themselves make only one appearance on the tracklisting, opening the record with a NASA sampling remake of Fly Me To The Moon, and what follows is a journey through the pairs record box that takes many a subtle turn through the understated corners of popular music. Quality deep house blends effortlessly into the soul classics of Al Green and Don Ray via many tasty electronic sounds. There’s no division between music of different times or styles, the selection is rounded off with a combination of slinky hip-hop

groove of Rae and Christian, classic house from Mr Fingers and the dazzling sundrenched soul of Aretha Franklin. Delightful. If you can’t get through the night without a touch of soul and lullabies of the deepest electronic sounds get this on your stereo. Sweet dreams. Kathryn Archer

JACK DRAG The Sun Inside (Shifty Disco) PURVEYORS OF the finest indie sounds for over five years now, Shifty Disco have a reputation based on getting deserved exposure to a whole host of British and foreign bands in the UK. Unfortunately most of these acts don’t end up getting a following worth the quality of their music and the latest album from label stalwarts Jack Drag reinforces this trend. The Sun Inside is an addictive catchy mixture of laidback guitar tunes and funky beats. If The Eels had been born in Oxford and listened to more early Blur then maybe they’d sound like this. It’s refreshing to hear an indie band with a obvious sense of humour and positive outlook on life for once. Tracks like Smile On Fire, Getting High With Jesus and I Could Never Let You Go burst with sunshine and a happiness that has been sorely lacking from music with whinging bastards like the Stereophonics, Staind and Nickleback dominating the charts. The album of course has it’s more contemplative moments with Beer Helps Us Cope and She’s My Kind Of Boy showing the band can be more restrained and mellow. The album highlights have to be the title track and Now Or Never, both wonderful slabs of groovy, beat driven rock. The album closes with a bang too as Home Is Where? starts from nothing to explode into a three minute psychedelic blow-out instrumental which would sit nicely on the next Mercury Rev album. A hidden gem of an album which deserves to do a lot better than it actually will, but that unfortunately is the way the industry works… Andy Parsons

THE D4 6Twenty (Flying Nun Records) REMEMBER THAT weird late 90’s black spot when you can’t remember what music you were listening to

because every band was a like a less good version of The Verve? Well thank God that the moment the ridiculously named naughties kicked in ‘the kids’ collectively decided to love dirty bitch ass rock and roll again. 6Twenty features big infectious choruses, big crunching guitars, big shouty vocals and fabulously dumb Ramones style lyrics –"It’s the weekend, so come on, all right, party, "little girls are always saying no, and the big girls always want more". The band also win bonus points for a) recording a completely non-ironic song entitled Rock n’ Roll Motherfucker b) featuring an always exciting photo-montage in their album sleeve and c) depicting a band member pretending his guitar is a gun on the album cover. All vital credentials for being merchants of dirty bitch ass Rock n’ Roll, I’m sure you’ll agree. Admittedly, there’s not really anything here that you haven’t already heard from The Hives, The Strokes, The Vines or any other garage rock band you care to mention. The album’s most exciting moments of punk racket come when the D4 are covering other bands songs (Johnny Thunders, Guitar Wolf, Scavengers) and you can’t quite shake the feeling that you’ve already heard most of the riffs they did write themselves somewhere before. Possibly 30 years before. In CBGB’s. Nonetheless, this collection of songs about X-ray vision, partying and girls (which barely exceeds half an hour) will do a cracking job of providing you with your next fix of cheap punk rock thrills. Maria Thomas

ALPINESTARS White Noise (Riverman) IMAGE, OF course, is everything. Alpinestar’s image, is nothing. This doesn’t mean that they refuse to don designer labels and “let the music do the talking” in a Hundred Reasons fashion, it means that for all we know they could be a gaggle of hyperactive grandmothers tying up their grandsons and hijacking their bedroom decks. Which of course, wouldn’t matter at all if the music which was ‘doing the talking’ was invigorating enough to hold it’s own. Which for most of the duration of White Noise, it most definitely is not. Order of the day is four-minute chunks of keyboard House which float around in some kind of bland wilderness, not hardcore enough to satisfy club-goers (who are quite happy dancing to tunes about castles in the sky already anyway) and devoid of any serious melody or innovation that would, if not make for decent home listening, at least provoke a little interest. NuSex City’s theme is futuristic frontiers, but far from pioneering any kind of musical frontier itself sounds more like a Sophie Ellis Bextor remix. The only moment that demands any kind of engagement comes from Carbon Kid, a highly passable indie/ dance crossover fronted by one Brian Molko who at least manages to provide a sense of identity for what otherwise is an album’s worth of aural wallpaper. Sometimes well padded wallpaper, but, well, just wallpaper. Jamie Fullerton

Electric Dreams

GARY NUMAN Exposure- The Best Of 1977-2002 (Artful Records)

FINALLY! A ‘best of’ that’s actually worth investing in.This double album features highlights from the godfather of Electronica’s 25 year career. Oozing coolness from every orifice, Numan gives us some of his best tracks, including the recently sampled from Are ‘Friends’ Electric?, Cars, Down In The Park and recent single, the awesome RIP. Having hoards of big name rock, industrial and dance groups covering his tracks, from Nine Inch Nails to Foo Fighters and Basement Jaxx, it’s good to see his comeback being received so well by the fans and music press alike. Excellent for chilling out to, Numan’s Best of 1977-2002 is a truly inspiring album. Glad to see the old chap back where he belongs. Gemma Jones

musicalbums

RADAR BROS: It’s behind you

RADAR BROS And The Surrounding Mountains (Chemikal Underground)

IT OF a disappointment, this. The Radar Bros third album arrives heaped in praise but really, it’s not ‘difficult’ enough. It’s all just a bit too comfortable, pleasantly concerned with melancholy and introspection and not much else. Just all a bit too bland, sorry. Merely a kind of one note performance. It’s highly reminiscent of Neil Young at his most fey, the Delgados at their most introspective and especially Grandaddy without the weirdness. Yet it’s lacks Young’s diversity or notably, Delgados’ dynamism. Perhaps they’re taking brown-nosing of their label bosses too far. A hint at something more interesting appears on Still Evil, involving some funny vocoder nonsense but truly, it’s not enough. For such an obviously intelligent band, there’s a deflatory paucity of ideas. It’s one idea, nicely executed but would surely be better served as an EP.

For all you deconstructionists out there, the key word here is ‘nicely’. Indeed many will be won over by their unassuming Californian charm but as Brian Wilson has set about reminding us recently, this needn’t be so unchallenging. It’s as if Charlie Manson never happened. Don’t get me wrong, And The Surrounding Mountains is very good, however, it just doesn’t cut it as great. There’s enough to suggest that if the Radar Bros had in fact taken a look around them, they could have produced an equally polished work of a far greater landscape. What’s here, is done very well but I just wish they’d turn their obvious talents to run the whole gamut of emotions. It could be that there are layers of irony, far too subtle to detect but in reality, I think it’s just not challenging enough. Hopefully, And The Surrounding Mountains represents a journey of evolution. Cast your radar wider, boys and we can look forward to the next album. Nick McDonald

B ro t h e r s i n a l a rm s OAKENFOLD Bunkka (Perfecto) OK SO Paul Oakenfold is back, coincidentally so is the new series of Big Brother. Is our world to be taken over by the ‘worlds leading DJ’? (their words not mine). And thus, we have Bunkka .... Using a range of artist from Asher D to Nelly Furtando as vocals for this 11 track album, Oakenfold does not create a new genre but reinvents one. With influences from pop music to hip hop, there is something strangely familiar and comfortable about this album. You can imagine Southern Sun being used as background for car adverts. There is nothing amazingly new about Bunkka but perhaps that’s it charm. There are no ‘big fish, small fish, cardboard box’ tracks – it is s more the type of token dance music played in Walkabout on a Saturday night. This is a very diverse album, with something for almost everyone. Easy to like, great to dance to, its almost perfect as ‘getting ready to go out’ music. Somebody open the wine! Kate Price

JARCREW BREAKDANCE Euphoria Kids (Complete Control records) IF YOU’VE seen Jarcrew live then this record might not be what you’re expecting.Somewhere along the line, someone decided to chuck out the punk-metal thrust and fill its gap with near-ambient instrumental grandeur. This means that we get less shouting from giant frontman Kelson, but somehow this doesn’t diminish Jarcrew’s impact. Powerhouse beefcake drumming combined with the two brainiac guitarists ensures that every track pulses, throbs and drips with creative energy. Some of the nu-punk insanity remains in the awesome single Paris & The New Math and Money Shot, but the 10-minute blissedout atmospheres of Bob Carson and the Bacharach lounging of I’m In Love With Detroit Robotix balance the album into a individualist and cohesive whole. The only complaint worth making is that the live sizzler Boy Wonder didn’t make it here. But given the overall quality of the material we do get, it really doesn’t matter. Seeing as they’re from South Wales, we really should have seen a lot more of them by now. But with an album as good as this, it’ll be

a disappointment if they don’t get huge and escape our clutches. Mat Croft

THE MERCHANT OF MENACE Outside Looking Out (Acid Jazz) YES, THE Merchant Of Menace have a great band name. It’s just about the only positive attribute they possess. They’re the kind of people who prize technical brilliance above soul: each and every one of these eighteen identikit faux-hip hop numbers seems to have been designed with only two aims in mind – to prove how well TMOM can jam, and to prove how very hip they are. In, somewhat unfortunately, a rather cringeworthy Tarantino stylee they come across like old Etonian wannabe-gangsters who’ve seen Reservoir Dogs a few too many times. Guy Ritchie would love it, but really, its so passé, darlings. Cue, inevitably and embarrassingly, codAmerican accents (“kickin’ ass”, someone shouts in a particularly shameful moment), samples bereft of point or humour, and deliberately, irritatingly misspelt titles (Stoopid Policeman, A Very Baad Man, Who’s Ya God?). There’s a song called Gettin’ High Is Really Hip, and there’s no trace of irony. Suddenly, Middle England has a point: possession of cannabis really does merit the death penalty, after all. And, on top of all this, to add insult to injury, every abysmal track here sounds exactly the same. Spread over seventy fucking minutes, it’s a long and torturous journey whose horror is only matched by the sense of relief as the final wank-piano chord fades, thankfully, into nothing. Alex Macpherson

ALIZÉE Gourmandises (Polydor) BY RIGHTS, French nymphet Alizée’s Moi... Lolita should have been a mega-hit along the lines of Britney’s ...Baby One More Time. It had it all: a coquettish vocal, pervy synths and a killer chorus, not to mention a scandalmongering, sexuality-flaunting video which would make Larry Clark blush in shame. Unfortunately, it was in French and apparently beyond the intellectual capacity of the great British record-buying public; offered the choice, they went for Enrique fucking Iglesias instead. More fool them, for Moi... Lolita remains a fantastic pop song and Alizée more

of a pop idol than Will Young could ever dream of becoming, skipping nimbly along the virgin/whore axis with bright eyes and moistened lips. It’s just as well, for – quelle surprise! – very little on Gourmandises comes close to Moi... Lolita’s genius. L’Alizé boasts self-referential pop stomping and the actual line ‘je sais que cet hymen durera longtemps’; the crypticallytitled, bass-driven JBG extols the joys of being a Bond girl with a knowing nod to the fact that, should Alizée be cast in the next Bond film, 007 would swiftly be facing charges of paedophilia; Abracadabra samples, bizarrely, a mewling cat. And that’s about it.The rest of the album is gossamer-light and candyflosssweet; ironically, it’s when Alizée comes over all prim and innocent – Parler Tout Bas, Mon Maquis – that her romantic sentiments seem most age-inappropriate. Meanwhile, being French, the new-fangled American electronic bling-bling stylings currently employed by Britney, Beyoncé et al have been sniffily rejected in favour of good old-fashioned ‘80s synths. If the girl’s not careful, she’ll end up as a second Tiffany – which was never what Nabokov had in mind for his Lola. Alex Macpherson

MUM Finally We Are No One (Fat Cat) THOUGH ICELANDERS Mum are a recent signing for the UK, you would be forgiven for thinking you’ve heard this all before. That’s because they bear their influences rather too heavily. Yeah, you could put your student loan on me drawing comparisons with the falsetto vocals and ethereal sways of Sigur Ros but then you haven’t any loan left anyway, have you? Similarly, Mum spend such a considerable amount of time lifting the guitar patterns of Mogwai, that they could face off with Mountain Men Anonymous. Boards of Canada make Mum’s day too, since much of the repetitive rhythms evident on Don’t Be Afraid, You Just Have Your Eyes Closed especially, would have me phoning my lawyers from my bunker If I were a reclusive electronic duo. The song titles alone suggest a debenture on a chalet at All Tomorrow’s Parties. This is all quite harsh criticism for such tender souls but really, they’re need a couple of years yet. It’s not that it’s bad. On the contrary, it’s very pleasant, but why bother with a copy when you can have the original. Nick McDonald

AND SO music draws to a close. And what a year it’s been. So many awesome live happenings and releases – too numerous to mention. For those who have seen a few gaps in the coverage, here’s a brief rundown of other albums that have graced the Gair Rhydd office released this month, or are immediately pending. Take notice, ‘cause they fully deserve it...

The Bellrays The Breeders, make it back after a lonely nine years away with the darn good Title TK (4AD), though accessibility is not the main attraction. Pete Yorn makes perfect Music For The Morning After (Columbia) in a Ryan Adams stylee, and the rise in quality solo singer/ songwriters on top form continues. Meanwhile on a noisier note, Ten Benson release the spoof-ishly titled Satan Kidney Pie (Artrocker Records) with rifts aplenty. Delightfully named The Catheters, recently seen bombarding the Barfly with their garagepunk, produce the intense Static Delusions And Stone Still Days (Sub Pop) and the American tip flows with The Bellrays, when on Meet The Bellrays (Poptones) they try to capture the sonic and emphatic growing of rhythm and blues that does them proud live. Electronica rocks and waggles about on Cex’s truly catchy eclectic experimental number, Oops, I Did It Again (Rock Action Records) and Wauvenfold are similarly productive on the sonic sounds of 3Fold (Wichita). King of the kids hearts and maximum street-cred falls to DJ Shadow, who indulges us with The Private Press (Island). Nice. Guitar-driven, but still full of quirky delights, Millionaire’s diversity of sounds can be found on Outside The Simian Flock (PIAS Recordings). Ingenious off-beat pop comes courtesy of Guided By Voices, who are set to release Universal Truths And Cycles (Matador) to, hopefully, a more rapturous response that is fully deserved but yet somehow denied.

It’s time to stop now. We could go on but why not go see for yourself. It’s all good.

DJ Shadow considers his opposition

Lord of the swings

Okay, so Tomb Raider, Planet of the Apes and Jurassic Park 3 were all crap, but this summer Film can guarantee that blockbusters such as Spiderman, Minority Report and The Road to Perdition are bound to be good. After the events of September 11th rumbled Hollywood’s jungle and forced release dates to be constantly reassessed, don’t rely too heavily on the opening times listed. So when the barbeque gets rained off, drop your soggy burgers and pop down your local multiplex for a gander at this summers blockbusters. Neil Blain looks at what’s in store in this weeks SUMMER PREVIEW

MINORITY REPORT

RESIDENT EVIL

Starring: Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell, Samantha Morton, Kathryn Morris Dir.: Steven Spielberg Out: 5th July

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez Dir.: Paul W.S. Anderson Out: 21st June

FORGET JANGO Fett in Attack of the Clones. This years best rocket pack action will be provided by Tom Cruise in Steven Spielberg’s summer event movie, Minority Report. Based on a short story by Philip K. Dick, the inspiration behind Bladerunner and Total Recall, described by Spielberg as “The Maltese Falcon meets Raiders of the Lost Ark”, and summarised by Walter Parkes (producer) as a “futuristic Chinatown,” Minority Report is bound to impress. Set in 2080, the film follows John Anderton (Cruise), head of Washington’s Precrime Unit which arrests offenders before they have committed a crime. Anderton is forced to turn against this totalitarian system when he becomes accused of murder, setting out to prove his innocence, and no doubt committing the murder he has originally been accused of. With 477 ILM created CG shots this is Spielberg’s most effects heavy film since Close Encounters.

SIGNS

Starring: Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Rory Culkin Dir.: M. Night Shyamalan Out: 13th Sept

THE ROAD TO PERDITION

Starring: Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Jude Law Dir.: Sam Mendes Out: 30th Aug SAM MENDES follows up his critically acclaimed American Beauty, with a stylised prohibition era gangster flick. Tom Hanks plays Al Capone’s top hitman, Michael O’Sullivan, known as ‘The Angel of Death’ who sets out on a Point Blank style revenge crusade when his wife and youngest son are brutally murdered by a rival.

THIS COMPUTER adaptation forms a prequel to the host of popular survival horror Resident Evil games and details the events of a zombie breakout at Umbrella’s HQ. The Fast and the Furious’ Michelle Rodriguez joins super sexy Milla Jovovich who fights off the living dead in a skimpy little dress. Although Resident Evil is directed by Paul Anderson (not the Magnolia guy), helmer of Mortal Kombat, which before Tomb Raider hit our screens last summer was the most successful computer game adaptation, and tense horror Event Horizon, reviews for the zombie horror have criticised it as being dull, sterile and too laid back, with surprisingly shoddy effects.

M. NIGHT Shyamalan mixes A Field of Dreams with Close Encounters in his spooky scifi follow up to The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable. Mel Gibson plays a Pennsylvanian farmer investigating whether strange crop circles in his fields are a message from God, alien visitations, or simply pissed up rednecks having a laugh.

ALSO. . . In Reign of Fire dragons awake from The Jubilee Line (of all places) and inflict terror and destruction on a futuristic London, with only Matthew McConaughey, Christian Bale and a script fired up by the post apocalyptic creator of Mad Max in their paths. Joel Schumacher’s Phone Booth, his follow up to the surprise indie-hit Tigerland, maintains the powerful acting talent of lead man Colin Farrell playing a New York Publicist who answers a public phone and is threatened with being shot if he hangs up. The idea of having an entire movie set in the confines of a phone booth is a genius premise, but will the man who inflicted Batman and Robin upon the world be able to pull it off? David Arquette vehicle 8 Legged Freaks (formerly titled Arac Attack (which stupid-ass Americans confused with Iraq Attack), a 50’s B movie parody, features a small community under attack from a bunch of giant mutated spiders. Sounds like good popcorn fun.

SPIDERMAN Starring: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, Willem Dafoe Dir.: Sam Raimi Out: 15th June

UNFORTUNATELY THERE were no press screenings of Spiderman before gair rhydd went to print, but film can almost guarantee its excellence. The film has gone down a storm in the States, spinning to the top of the box office and making $225 million in its first ten days. Spiderman has been a long time in the making. Stan Lee’s comic book hero

survived a decade of being caught in a legal flytrap throughout the 90’s. In the late 80’s a deal which had Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s Tobe Hooper on to direct fell through, but interest in the famous webslinger was raised after the financial success of the Batman franchise in the early 90’s. James Cameron failed to pull the project from development hell and went on to direct Titanic, and so the reigns were passed into the hands of the unlikely Sam Raimi, famed for indie zombie horrors The Evil Dead trilogy, and small time quirky pictures such as The Quick and the Dead and A Simple Plan. Raimi convinced studio heads to cast

the talented Tobey Maguire (Ride with The Devil) as Peter Parker, the high school geek who develops strange powers after being bitten by a genetically altered spider. Maguire is joined by Kirsten Dunst who forms his love interest Mary Jane, and the silky smooth Willem Dafoe, as Norman Osborn AKA The Green Goblin. The shoot was similarly troubled. A construction worker died when a crane collapsed. Maguire’s stunt double shattered an ankle when he swung into a brick wall. Four of the spider costumes were stolen from the set. But these hindrances were little compared to the disastrous events of September 11th which infamously forced Raimi to pull a

teaser trailer, showing a helicopter being snared in a web between the twin towers, from cinemas. On top of this Raimi has been constantly hounded by cyber geeks, concerned that the wild director will poorly represent their beloved hero, causing Raimi to remind himself that “not many people like the movies I make”. Despite Raimi’s negativity, Spiderman has become one of the most successful films of all time, even before it hits British screens. With Raimi’s stylish cartoon direction, Maguire’s skill at presenting character depths, and the general excitement Spiderman’s character creates, its not hard to see why. I can’t wait.

In K-19: The Widowmaker Harrison Ford plays a Captain of a Russian Submarine who is battling to save the reactor from meltdown, in this tense drama based on true events. Angelina Jolie plays Lanie Kerrigan in Life or Something Like It , a shallow and arrogant television presenter forced to question her existence when a homeless psychic tells her she has only one week left to live, in this much hyped romantic comedy with Ed Burns. In Scooby Doo , Hanna Barbera’s 70’s hit cartoon gets the noughties treatment, as the Mystery Inc. gang, with infamous pooch pal Scooby Doo, camp it up on a theme park conveniently named Spooky Island. With the likes of Buffy’s Sarah Michelle Gellar as Daphne, Freddie Prinze Jnr. as Fred, and Scott Innes providing the voice of the CG Scooby, we can only hope that the film does not aim to take itself too seriously – “Those pesky kids!”

MEN IN BLACK II

Starring: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Lara Flynn Boyle, Johnny Knoxville Dir.: Barry Sonenfeld Out: 2nd Aug SCUM OF the Universe beware. The Men in Black are back. Tommy Lee Jones rejoins Will Smith in his fight against the sexy but villainous Serleena (Lara Flynn Boyle), a body morphing psycho. With Barry Sonenfeld eager for the public to forget the disastrous Wild Wild West, Smith and Jones on finer form than ever, Rick Baker and CG created effects, and appearances from Jackass’ Johnny Knoxville and Michael Jackson, MIB II is sure to go down a bomb.

DEATH TO SMOOCHY

Starring: Robin Williams, Ed Norton, Danny De Vito Dir.: Danny De Vito Out: Summer OUSTED CHILDREN’S entertainer (Robin Williams) hunts down his replacement, a big pink Rhino called Smoochy, played by Ed Norton. This dark black satire of the world of television is sure to provide an excellent alternative to this summers all out actioners.

AUSTIN POWERS: GOLDMEMBER Starring: Mike Myers, Beyoncé Knowles, Michael Caine, Seth Green, Verne Troyer Dir.: Jay Roache Out: 26th July

DESPITE LEGAL harassment from fussy Bond producers MGM, Austin Powers, The International Man of Mystery, is back. Powers chases Dr. Evil and Mini Me back through time (again) to 1975 to rescue his kidnapped father, Nigel Powers (played by Michael Caine in a role originally turned down by Sean Connery). Mike Myers is joined by Destiny’s Child Beyoncé Knowles, and there are also rumours of a cameo appearance from Britney Spears. Groovy Baby Yeah!

musiclive

FINAL NIGHT at Birmingham sees the NEC sold out with a sea of small, excited faces. Soon, the arena is full of high-pitched screams as support act Six run onto the stage. Proving that sometimes concerts in the round are a good thing (because you don’t have to look at them all the time), camper than Julian Clary on helium, Six are the new Steps, but without decent dance routines or stage presence. After miming their way through four awful songs, they proclaim that they won the Irish Popstars before running off. Might explain why they’re so pisspoor then. After the abomination of Six, a wave of relief hits me as Westlife begin what turns out to be a totally breathtaking set. Highly stylized and superbly choreographed, the boys make sure the fans enjoy every second of the set that lasted well over two hours. Entering the stage in five huge globes hanging from the ceiling, they begin opener World Of Our Own by flying over the audience on wires, and ending the song to a huge bright explosion on stage. Entertaining us with a plethora of fantastic songs from their three albums, including a medley of well-known hits such as Uptown Girl, Jailhouse Rock, Bohemian Rhapsody, Brown Eyed Girl and more. The crowd were left truly satisfied as the Westlife boys finish their last encore, with crowd pleaser When You’re Looking Like That, on wires again. The overall reaction was one of extreme amazement. A truly awesome show. Gemma Jones

MISS BLACK AMERICA / ANTIHERO / HUB USH Barfly FOR EVERY filthy working man’s club there’s a godawful rock band. Hub Ush are but one, purveying the kind of ‘rock‘n’roll’ that if ever released on record (which it won’t be, EVER) will result in a barrage of lawsuits claiming musical pilferage. It doesn’t quite work without mullets, definitely not with a bassist resembling Johnny Vegas. They close with a cover of Rainbow’s Since You’ve Been Gone: according to one unimpressed punter “the song which every shit rock band must cover.” Ten years younger and eleven light-years ahead are Antihero, shaking up a promising cocktail of Pixies speed-rock with a dash of genuine eclecticism, most notably during the excellent Don’t Trust The DJ and subdued closer Disconnect which kicks in and out gloriously. More disappointingly Antihero play two dumb American prom rockers in an attempt to please any twelve-year-old ‘moshers’, of which none are actually present rendering the exercise pretty pointless. They’ll do well to discard such nonsense and choose a better

A Knight to remember BEVERLEY KNIGHT Bristol Academy HAVING SPENT previous months supporting Jamiroquai, the lovely Bev finally gets to strut her funky stuff in exclusive limelight. On this, the penultimate night of an eight-date tour, the reason for her rise to fame is abundantly clear. With a charismatic stage presence not dissimilar to Mary J Blige, although greatly more sincere, she pranced enigmatically through tunes from the new album Who I Am. Such euphoric examples were quite seamlessly melanged with others from the hit parade. The almost brutally hip-hop influenced Get up fitted like a jigsaw piece with the unaging classic Sister Sister. Inbetween times, the gospel orientated likes of future single Gold were readily enjoyed. Further highlights included an acoustic reworking of Coldplay’s Trouble as a final encore and a memorable reggae reworking of Kylie’s Can’t Get You Out Of My Head. It’s clear that Bev is a playlistfriendly pop act, and accidentally so. She seems genuine with the claim that her music comes from the heart. Indeed, how could it not, with such blatantly soulful vocals? Her subtlety executed social critique, manifested in the dedication of Fallen Soldier to Stephen Lawrence, is astutely emphatic. Thus we’re all contented, the young funklovers bounce along in time, cynical hacks are enchanted by a refreshingly educated pop artist with an awesome voice and, more importantly, all are united by the inner Knight warmth. Ta then Bev. Andrew Davidson debut single than the frankly crap Rolling Stones T-Shirt. Miss Black America’s frontman Seymour Glass is a complete and utter chopper. Sarcastic comments about the audience’s reaction to his band and the barrage of expletives he bawls off mic suggest that the word “TWAT” he has scrawled in black marker across his knuckles rings true. This is punk of course, and in punk there’s nothing better than a frontman you love to hate. After all wasn’t Wolf always your favourite Gladiator? It’s a fantastically engaging feature of the band, along with exhilarating two and a half minute ejaculations of punk crunch thrash like Smile, You’re On Fire with a genuine grasp of melody that rather than reinventing the wheel,

PICS: supplied by Culture

WESTLIFE / SIX Birmingham NEC

BEV: a lovely lady rocks‘n’rolls it with such velocity that sparks often fly. It’s the kind of music that’s currently igniting the country. Look who’s got the blowtorches this week. Jamie Fullerton

DJ SHADOW Bristol Academy DJ SHADOW is truly an amazingly talented man. From his early days working as part of the Solesides (now Quannum) collective, to recording Endtroducing, the greatest dance record ever (according to Muzik magazine) and almost singlehandedly making the Mo’Wax label the coolest on the planet during the early ‘90s, he’s never once let his standards slip, creating joyous cut-and-

A little Mynci business GORKY’S ZYGOTIC MYNCI Clwb Ifor Bach “HEY MOTHERFUCKERS! DON’T LEAVE! COME BACK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!” screams a fuming JT Mouse as a gaggle of students vacate his acoustic lounge as the clock strikes eleven, trundling up the stairs to add another few pints of sweat-vapour to the collective human furnace. They’re just in time for Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci to hypnotise them and the rest of the room into a state of swaying serenity, with cuts of twee beauty like Spanish Dance Troupe and Stood On Gold. It’s a brand of subtly beautiful and disarmingly melodic folk-pop that GZM have been charming the nation with for years, so untouchable it can’t be penetrated by three transvestite air host/

hostesses who freak out the rest of the country from a televised freak show in Estonia. The indie pixies of Wales continue to cast mischievous spells of pogoing power, Desolation Blues with screeching violin attack and pure Beatles riff raises the bar, and the kids gobble it up like an extra jammy doughnut. Euros Childs delves further into his band’s impressive back catalogue (the hyper-productive band have released seven-odd albums proper), hooking out Sweet Johnny for further guaranteed pogo action, topped off with a barrage of yaps tailing off into a psychedelic earsplitting trailblazer. My Honey is the barn-dance blinder that ends the set with a jolt, but of course the subsequent cacophony of foot stomps and chants entices the band back for a song “about taking a dog called Oscar for a walk”. It naturally means Gorky psycho-anthem

Poodle Rockin’, and trust me the crowd were. Finale Her Hair Hangs Long slides perfectly into a gloriously elaborated cloud-surfing interlude before Gorky’s vacate the set, leaving behind them a windowless

attic lit up with smiles. “You’d better give these a fucking ace review” a pissed and tearful punter wails. Definitely worth being branded a “motherfucker” by a man with a mullet for. Jamie Fullerton

GORKY’S: steamy moments

paste anthems from vintage vinyl. The recent Brainfreeze and Product Placement tours have showcased both his mixing abilities and love of old soul and funk, but tonight, in preparation for the release of his new album The Private Press, we are going to be treated to, in the introductory words of Shadow himself: “Some songs you know, some others your hopefully don’t and possibly a few surprises along the way...” Flanked by three huge projection screens Shadow is comfortably at home amongst the turntables, samplers and mixers that fill most of the stage. As the speakers begin to pulse with the opening bass signature of Fixed Income, the new album’s opening track, the screens fill with stars and proceed to dazzle us with synchronised video tracks that Shadow and his design team have been working on for the last three months. Snippets of Building Steam With A Grain Of Salt are added to the mix then the track blends slowing into the seminal What Does Your Soul Look Like... Old introspective gems such as the U2 sampling Lost and Found and Influx are juxtaposed by the rawer-edged new tracks like Walkie Talkie (which is whipped up into a blistering drum’n’bass storm) and Giving Up The Ghost. The vocals of Richard Ashcroft and Damon Gough are added a capella over Shadow’s original tracks, showing that although critically mauled, he still has faith in his UNKLE work, whilst giving the new material a chance to shine on a proper soundsystem. Predictably though, the best crowd reactions are saved for party classics like The Number Song and the classic Organ Donor. For the encores we are treated to new single You Can’t Go Home Again, and a live mix with Malcolm Catto on the drums. As the final encore approaches a figure appears from the darkness dressed in a Paddington Bear-style duffel coat – remarkably it’s Thom Yorke who’s searing vocals melt the hearts of everyone as Rabbit In Your Headlights finishes the evening on an interstellar high note. Breathtaking music, stunning visuals and my all-time favourite singer on vocals: an absolute legendary gig from an all-time legend and inspiration to a generation of musicians and producers. Andy Parsons

musiclive

Art of darkness FISCHERSPOONER The Bridge, London

“I’M A complete ho”, pouts Casey Spooner, the all-singing, all-dancing, all-stripping half of art-dance fashionistas Fischerspooner. “That’s how I got here.” It’s an appropriately postmodern reflection of their desire to subvert preconceived notions of artistic integrity; promising ‘style over substance’, Fischerspooner utterly eschew such ideals, instead embracing superficiality and pretension with a gleeful irony. Accordingly, the Dazed & Confused set is out in force: people who can’t move, let alone dance, for fear of disturbing their perfectly coiffed hair and artfully arranged scarves. Throwing back a rum and cranberry juice and admiring the view, though, it strikes your correspondent that this is no bad thing.

Similarly, the Fischerspooner riot of dazzling kitsch – reminiscent more of a West End musical than a rock show – proves conclusively the importance of the aesthetic. As Casey Spooner changes costume yet again amid arch, homoerotic choreography, golden glitter showers over the crowd; it’s thrilling and life-affirming in its sheer decadence. ‘Artists have more fun’, declares a dancer’s t-shirt; if Spooner’s manic grin as he stagedives onto willing hands, sprays the crowd with Moët, and strips to his lime green thong like a professional sexual predator is anything to go by, this maxim is unassailable. Throughout, though, subtle issues of power and control recur. Lights blind the audience and shield those on stage from view, in a reversal of the usual singer blinkered by their spotlight.Technical problems are staged between each song.

Before Doves came back with the magnificent splendour of new LP The Last Broadcast, they took a jaunt out on the road with Travis. Gemma Curtis gets hold of Jimi Goodwin....

IMI GOODWIN sits, pleasant, calmly confident, unknowing that in a matter of months his band Doves will have notched up not only a number five chart-topping position with the immense single There Goes The Fear, but a deserved number one with the their stunningly intense, hyper-affecting album The Last Broadcast. But then, it really shouldn’t have taken a mystic to predict that such happenings were in the pipeline. With the remarkable public and critical acclaim of debut longplayer Lost Souls, the possibilities of the future were perhaps merely more inevitable in happening. Bearing such in mind, it’s remarkable that they’ve scaled such heights, sneaking back into the subconscious from their time away, with less coverage than one of Popstars’ nights out; here there is less media hype and more genuine attraction. Prior to either release, frontman Jimi dissects the relative calm surrounding the forthcoming action, alongside something of a personal analysis; ‘Let’s face it. We are never going to be a band band, like you can write about ‘Mr Personality’ or just about the frontman. We’re not like the Strokes. It really is all about what we put out on record or play live. You’re not going to see any of us dating supermodels, or courting celebrity. We all shy away from that; even getting us to the interview table, it’s like, ‘God, you do it... let’s spin a coin... I did the last one’. We don’t talk naturally about what we do. We’re just getting our head back round doing interviews and stuff. I’m not going to moan. We want to sell

manner, ironically it was Goodwin himself who was less sure of the scope of the single. ‘The Fear is just a taster for the album. We’re not a singles band really. I find it hard to see us going straight in at number five and all that, but I’m not really bothered. I want the album to do well. But The Fear is such a complex track, if anything it just hints at the colour change on the new album.’ And, indeed it did, but only as much as even this storming seven-minute track could be. With the immense merging of sounds; the fusing of dance with northern soul and pop with alt. guitar that combine to intensely divine results throughout The Last Broadcast, such pre-indication is not easy to achieve. The assortment of styles is not so much a deliberate construction rather more simply the result of the three-piece’s division of songwriting duties. As Jimi suggests: ‘Every band say they’re eclectic and different, but you know, our stuff is. We like to cover all bases, though not for the sake of it. It’s just ‘cause there is three people writing, and we all have different influences. And its not like one person dominates the proceedings, I think that’s a strength of ours.’ And the influences are evident with the echoes of many other great Mancunian bands, from the Smiths to Joy Division, each adding an imprint on the construction of noise. There’s also a heavy tint of the Hacienda heydays to make the whole album a little more liberated, all of which collectively ensue a monumental production. The effortless magnitude of both the recorded material and live shows is not

We are never going to be a band band, like you can write about ‘Mr Personality’ or just about the frontman. We’re not like the Strokes records, we want to do well, and we want success. I suppose we’ve got a quite weird relationship with it all, like we wonder how much we should sell ourselves.’ Luckily they seem to have got the balance right, and any concerns of media campaigns (or lack of) can be swept aside in light of the new degree of success. In a typically unassuming

only a reflection of talent, of which there is no question, but also evidence of the strength of the three men as a ‘musical’ unit. Goodwin, along with the Williams brother’s Jez (guitarist) and Andy (drums), have after all been producing music together for a good while now. Previously Sub Sub in the early 90’s, (responsible for the number three hit and dancefloor filler, Ain’t No

Floor-filling disco stomper Emerge is played three times – each to rapturous reception – but not without Spooner first teasing the crowd by walking off stage after the opening bars. As an exercise in manipulation, it’s successful and thought-provoking. Yet this isn’t the point of Fischerspooner either. Neither is the fact that, in parading their superficiality, they’re displaying far more artistic honesty than most bands around. Even the music – rather fantastic ‘80s electro-pop recalling everyone from Fad Gadget to The Human League, if you’re wondering – isn’t the primary focusbut part of a whole, cohering with fashion, sexuality, intelligence and pretty lights to form one über-hedonistic experience. Because they can. It sounds good; looks good; feels good too. And that’s all you need. Alex Macpherson

The Broadcast Nudes*

JIMI: nice beard Love (Ain’t No Use) their continued involvement and reincarnation into Doves suitably suggests a bond and shared ideology. This goes beyond the music itself. Jimi shrugs nonchalantly, ‘We bicker, but we don’t argue. It’s democracy, even if you don’t write the tune, you get as much of a say on the production. It’s a cliché but you do write for yourself, and to please each other. Critical acclaim doesn’t really bother us. You either get it or you don’t. Others have their own agendas, but ours is quite simple.’ And so, such amicable understanding has undoubtedly made the recording process a little easier. The singer admits that this time round, and after the relative mammoth effort and time spent previously on Lost Souls, the process was somewhat more straightforward. ‘We’ve worked well to pressure this time, I think because of all the live playing we had done on the America tours, it just really buoyed us up, ‘cause we didn’t expect to go down so well as we did. So we hit the studio with a bit more enthusiasm. We recorded in lots of different places, we just got about a bit. It was really intensive though.’ He adds, We normally are deliberating for ages,

shall we wait for other tracks to come along, but we just got a bit quicker, we worked better. The pressure came from us. The second album ‘thing’ wasn’t a problem.’ And so, when they finally wrangled their way out of the live circuit and back into the studio, the men made their reaction to the melancholicnorthern-miserablist tag they had been branded with. And, remarkably, positivity seemed to just ooze through the music, which was something of a enlightening approach. Jimi explains: “Obviously we don’t want it to be just like Lost Souls. It is a bit more positive, I guess.” The result surprised not only the critics, but the band themselves. “We were half way through and we had five upbeat tracks and we were like fucking hell, what’s going on here. So then we were like right, come on get a few more melancholic, filmic thing, which come actually more naturally to us.” Whatever the balance of misery to euphoria, instantly accessible tunes to more challenging subtleties, Doves have achieved their goal. They have succeeded in pleasing themselves. “I think we’ve made a fucking great album. Having only just finished it I’m

still in a bit of a daze, but at the last playback at the mastering we were all like, wow. You know, we’re really chuffed with it. It’s markedly different.” Not only are Doves contented, the punters are also satisfied, as well they should be. The Last Broadcast delivers everything it promises from the time away. And now it can only enhance the emotive capacity live. With its sound, however, Jimi is unsure of how it will translate live, “We can’t recreate the album live, we play quite differently, and physically we can’t anyway, ‘cause there’s only four of us playing and lots of production stuff. So we just have to play with a bit more heart to get it across, and a bit brasher. Anyway, we don’t want to recreate the album, and we don’t want to loads of session musicians, it’s about us.” Too right.The mind-set is unquestionable; motivated and focused. And with such beliefs resulting in a splendid second album, an intense and graceful affair that magnificently treats the fans live, this is very wise. If only all artistes put their own interests first to such effect, then the musical world would be a better place.

*we wish

Television

10 June

Monday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 9.45 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002: Tunisia v Belgium ‘3-1 Belgium, and all my predictions have been right so far’ – very impressive, Steve. 12.00 Parkinson 12.15 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002: Portugal v Poland Hmm, Poland looked dreadful against Korea but Portugal did lose to America. ‘2-0 Portugal’ – Psychic Steve. 2.30 Neighbours 2.55 Just Good Friends 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Dennis the Menace 4.10 50/50 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

6.00 Open University 6.30 The Golden Thread 7.00 The Lampies 7.10 Flint the Time Detective 7.35 Super Duper Sumos 8.00 Bring It On 8.25 Super Rupert 8.45 Sheeep 9.00 Brum 9.10 The Story Makers 9.25 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.40 Teletubbies 10.05 Playdays 10.25 Tweenies 10.50 Magic Key 11.05 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 11.35 Watch 12.05 Tales of Europe 12.20 Landmark Shorts 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 News 1.45 Queen's Tennis Ooh, I love tennis, much better than footie. Predicting Lleyton Hewitt (twat) to win here.

6.00 GMTV 7.00 World Cup 2002 Live: South Korea v USA 9.45 Carry On Laughing 10.15 This Morning 12.15 News 1.00 Jackie: Behind the Myth 3.00 News 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.25 Dream Street 3.35 Angelina Ballerina 3.50 Horrible Histories 4.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.00 Trisha Exposes... Britain's Biggest Love Rats Trisha reveals shocking tales of doubledealing lovers, using lie detectors, audience votes and DNA tests. Further to the Preview of the other week, this sounds awesome.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 I Dream of Jeannie 10.00 FILM: Les Girls 12.05 Suddenly Susan 12.30 Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.45 Sali Mali 12.55 Ding Dong 1.00 Twm 1.05 Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Junkyard Wars 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Sam Tan 4.10 Na Dderyn 4.20 Cnafon Coed 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Byd Pws: Awstralia Dewi ‘Pws' 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cystadleuaeth i Gantorion Cymreig 10.35 Big Brother

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 The Dog Listener 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 It's Your Funeral 2.00 Divine Designs 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: The Deliverance of Elaine A very fnarr-worthy title we have here. Excellent stuff. 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 8.00 EastEnders Zoe is forced to choose between her family and Anthony. Talk about two evils, I can’t think which would be worse. Shudder. 8.30 Changing Rooms Linda Barker brings back stencilling with a vengeance. Quick, someone tell Dazed & Confused about this new trend. Fuck asymmetrical haircuts, stencilling is where it’s at, kids. 9.00 Spooks 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 X-Ray 11.05 Jasper Carrott: Back to the Front 11.35 Johnny Vaughan's World Cup Extra Look, Vaughan, you fucker, I’m enjoying the World Cup right now. Please don’t spoil it for me by, like, existing while it’s on. Fuck off and die. 12.05 Parkinson 1.10 FILM: Dead Air Noone’s seen it, no-one cares. 2.40 Joins BBC News 24 Talking of the World Cup, is it so bad to support Germany? Especially against Ireland. I just like them better – and they don’t have a penchant for unlovely green strips, which is always good. Still, first loyalties lie with Russia.

5.15 Weakest Link USA Special edition featuring members of the Star Trek cast. Oh dear God. 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 Country House 8.00 University Challenge Reunited 8.35 Malcolm in the Middle 9.00 The Kumars at No 42 Sanjeev interviews veteran daytime TV presenters Richard and Judy and Lorraine Kelly. I’ve never watched this, even though everyone I know who has tells me it’s ace. There you go, listen to them and not me. 9.30 Coupling 10.00 The Day Today 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Painting the Weather 11.50 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered? 12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Ever Wondered? 1.30 Was Anybody There? 2.00 Secondary Schools: Religious Education 4.00 Languages: Talk Spanish 56 5.00 Working in the Community: Inspiring Volunteers Why did Paul McCartney cross the road? To get to the middle.

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Zoe is suspicious of Chris and Charity's visit. Always be suspicious of a woman who calls herself Charity. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Lads' Army The programme examines how 30 young men on national service cope with verbal abuse, physical exhaustion and the humiliation of being made to cut the grass with just a pair of nail scissors. Ah, so that’s how our boys prepare for action in war zones like Afghanistan. They trim the lawn with nail scissors. 10.00 News at Ten 10.20 World Cup 2002 If South Korea manage to lose to the USA at home, they should just quit. But then, Portugal managed it. 11.35 HTV News 11.45 FILM: Sleeping with the Enemy ‘There’s a bit where Patrick Bergin pops out the bath. Worth watching for that’ – Nick. 1.35 World Cup 2002: Portugal v Poland 3.20 The People's Vets 3.50 The Entertainers 4.15 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

11.10 V Graham Norton 11.45 The West Wing 12.35 How to Break into Britain 1.35 FILM: Don Juan DeMarco 3.20 Yeti: Hunt for the Wildman CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Animal Alphabet 12.10 Suddenly Susan 12.35 ER 1.30 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Human Signs 8.00 Junkyard Wars 9.00 The Search for King Solomon's Mines 10.00 Big Brother 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.10 Six Feet Under I wish Graham Norton was. 12.25 New to Q Featuring the White Stripes, The Dirtbombs, Josh Rouse, Gemma Hayes and Von Bondies. White Stripes ace, Gemma Hayes and Von Bondies a bit mediocre, haven’t heard anything by the others. 12.40 Big Brother 1.10 Best Friends: Chris and Rob 1.40 Dead Letters 2.35 Why Men Don't Iron: Learning the Difference 3.25 Tuscany: The Village 4.20 How to Break into Britain A pickaxe and a catburglar suit should do the job. 5.10 Prisoners of the Kaiser

6.00 Home and Away Duncan and Alf's relationship breaks down. Fnarr! 6.30 Family Affairs Pete is smug about Cat's misfortune. The RSPCA will be on to him if he doesn’t watch it. 7.00 Topranko! 7.30 5 News 8.00 The Most Evil Men and Women in History: Caligula There’s a great Macy Gray song called Caligula. Anyway, I still prefer the goddess-like Erzabet Bathory from last week. I think I’m in love. 8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: Netforce 11.40 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 12.35 The Pepsi Chart This week, TV Desk loves: Tom Waits, Evian and a certain 16-yearold whose name has slipped its mind. TV Desk hates: Six fucking Continents, who are apparently determined to drag every last vestige of character out of every city in the fucking country, Ben Elton and the Wig & Pen chain pub, Oxford. 12.40 NHL Ice Hockey Live Stanley Cup Game Four 4.30 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v Newell's Old Boys I’m sorry, but isn’t there a slightly bigger, slightly better football tournament going on right now?

Spooks BBC1 9.00pm

Painting the Weather BBC2 11.20pm

Lad’s Army ITV1 9.00pm

Six Feet Under C4 11.10pm

CHOICE Queen’s Tennis BBC2, 1.45pm Tennis is a fantastic sport: the only major one-on-one sport around, it provides for a level of intensity and individual talent to a degree few other sports match. By the time

you read this, the French Open will be over – I’m predicting Venus Williams and Marat Safin as champions – but Wimbledon is, excitingly, just around the corner. The men’s competition is wide open: Pete Sampras has barely won a match this year, Goran Ivanisevic is injured, Tim ‘chicken-legs’ Henman – whose recent flesh-baring Ariel ads have severely traumatised me – just not

Monday 10th June

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

good enough. Indeed, the in-form frontrunners are Lleyton Hewitt and Andre Agassi – neither quintessential grass-court players by any means. In the women’s draw, few can challenge Venus Williams’ power and focus, though Justine Henin has emerged as one of her strongest rivals this year. And we can but hope for Anna Kournikova to finally begin to fulfil her talent...

Television

11 June

Daytime Evening

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.30 Real Rooms 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Just Good Friends 2.40 Queen's Tennis 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Dennis the Menace 4.10 Get Your Own Back 4.35 Big Kids 5.00 Really Wild Show 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

7.00 The Lampies 7.10 Flint the Time Detective 7.35 Super Duper Sumos 8.00 Blue Peter 8.25 Super Rupert 8.45 Sheeep 9.00 CBeebies: Binka 9.10 The Story Makers 9.25 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.40 Teletubbies 10.05 Playdays 10.25 Tweenies 10.50 Landmarks 11.10 English Express 11.30 Music Makers 11.50 Zig Zag 12.00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Queen's Tennis 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Queen's Tennis 5.15 Weakest Link USA

6.00 GMTV 7.00 World Cup 2002 Live: Denmark v France 9.50 This Morning 11.50 ITV News Headlines 11.55 HTV News 12.00 World Cup 2002 Live: Saudi Arabia v Republic of Ireland 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.20 Dream Street 3.30 Albie 3.40 The Angry Beavers 3.55 The Angry Beavers 4.15 The Big Bang 4.35 Are You Afraid of the Dark? 5.00 Trisha Exposes... Britain's Biggest Love Rats

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 I Dream of Jeannie 10.00 FILM: The Toast of New Orleans 11.45 In Your Face 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Tweenies 1.00 Planed Plant: Bibi 1.10 Planed Plant: Tic Toc 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 In Your Face 2.00 Fifteen to One 2.30 Countdown 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Chwedlau'r Byd 4.15 Ty Gwenno 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 News. 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Byd Pws: Awstralia 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered: UK 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 US PGA Golf - Buick Classic 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Blue Rodeo 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 Cameroon v Germany, Saudi Arabia v Republic of Ireland, Denmark v France, and Senegal v Uruguay. 8.00 EastEnders Angel tells Paul that he has brought something for him to look after. A pet ferret? Fnarr? 8.30 Holby City Holby City gets sexy when the eligible men are auctioned off for charity. Replace ‘auctioned’ for ‘sucked’ and it might be. Possibly. 9.30 Kenyon Confronts Paul Kenyon and team go undercover to bring viewers secret footage of horse-race fixing. Including exclusive footage of that twat in a deerstalker ‘fixing’ a young stallion. Shudder. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Jasper Carrott: Back to the Front 11.35 Johnny Vaughan's World Cup Extra 12.05 FILM: Dead Ahead 1.40 Sign Zone: Would Like to Meet 2.40 Sign Zone: Your Money or Your Life 3.10 Sign Zone: See Hear on Saturday

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 6.45 Star Trek: Voyager Scifi 7.30 Your Money or Your Life 8.00 Rough Science 8.30 The Best 9.00 A History of Britain by Simon Schama: The Empire of Good Intentions Ahh, so it appears that rather than being imperialist bastards, we were in fact being progressional liberalists. Toss! 10.00 Country House Alex and Dave from Blur move into their Dorset cottage in this new fly-on-the-wall documentary. This week: Alex attempts to seduce Mrs Cribbins, the landlady, by spiking her brandy with crystal meth. Dave plays with his new airfix model. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Painting the Weather 11.50 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Flexible Work Insecure Lives 1.00 Hotel Hilbert 1.30 Modernist Primitivism - Gauguin and Pont-Aven 2.00 Secondary Schools: Religious Education 4.00 Languages: Spain Inside Out 2-3

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale I’ve been to the Woolpack y’know. I nicked an ashtray and pissed in the sink. Fight the power! 7.30 Star Lives This week Jeremy Spake who reveals he inserts live newts up his arse in the pursuit of sexual thrills. 8.00 The Real Dad's Army 8.30 A Touch of Frost 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 World Cup 2002 Matt Smith (smug twunt) with highlights of today's final matches in Group A – Denmark v France, and Senegal v Uruguay; and Group E – Saudi Arabia v Republic of Ireland, and Cameroon v Germany. Grrr...this made me so angry t’other day. Casual racism from Andy Townsend about the that Korean player who got whacked in the ‘nads. “Maybe he’ll change his name to One-hang-low.” Maybe you should fuck off my TV screen you cunter. 12.00 Freshers 12.30 Tin Gods 1.05 Dreamland 2.00 World Cup 2002: Saudi Arabia v Republic of Ireland 3.40 World Sport 4.05 ITV Nightscreen

8.00 Darn o Dir 8.30 Clwb Garddio 9.00 The Edwardian Country House 10.30 Big Brother 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 Six Feet Under 12.05 Old 1.05 FILM: Birdman of Alcatraz

6.00 Home and Away The manipulative Duncan is up to his tricks. Seconds later a pet rabbit is produced from an orifice. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 5th Gear 7.30 5 News 8.00 UK Undercover A look at the issue of women who have sex with underage boys, questioning why this is considered by many to be less serious than the concept of men having sex with underage girls. Yowzers! Actually could be quite interesting. I’ve never been propositioned by a ‘mature’ lady. Sob. Well, discounting all the mini-skirted flabby slappers on St. Mary’s Street on a weekend anyway. No classy ladies like Nigella Lawson. Now she is top vintage totty. 9.00 FILM: AWOL: Absent without Leave Starring Jean Claude Van Damme. And therfore certain to be toss. 11.05 Serial Killers: Ted Bundy 12.00 La Femme Nikita 12.50 NFL Europe 1.15 NASCAR Busch Inside Traxx 300 2.05 AMA Motocross 3.35 Motorsport Mundial 4.00 FIFA Youth Cup 4.25 Major League Soccer: LA Galaxy v Chicago Fire

CH4. As S4C except: 9.00 Bewitched 12.30 ER 1.25 Ed 2.15 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Human Signs S 8.00 Other People's Houses 9.00 Cutting Edge: Gigolo 10.00 Big Brother 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Oz Been recomended to me by Danno. Might involve midgets having sex or something. 12.15 New to Q 12.30 Big Brother 1.00 The Ex-Files 1.35 Blue Murder 2.35 FILM: The Rocking Horse Winner 4.05 FILM: The Interrupted Journey 5.30 Powerhouse 5.55 The Clangers

Holby City 8.30pm BBC1

The Best 8.30pm BBC2

A Touch of Frost 8.30pm ITV1

Cutting Edge 9.00pm C4

CHOICE Six Feet Under S4C,11.35 pm WINGING IT’S way over the water from the US, this new drama-comedy thingy comes from the writer who wrote American Beauty. Expect the humour to be black and subversive. No Kev

Spacey though, but we can’t have everything can we? It’s a bit like if you attempt to put too many sauces on your ice cream and it ends up looking and tasting like the scrapings from a nappy. Saudi Arabia v. Republic of Ireland BBC 2,12.00 pm C’MON IRELAND! After terrific results

against Cameroon and Germany, Ireland just need to beat a team with defensive stability of of my beloved Bristol City to get to the next round. This World Cup has confirmed Hansen’s status as a pundit demi-god while Andy ‘plank-face’ Townsend has been unmasked as a racist half-wit. The BBC wins the war hands down, I reckon.

Tuesday 11th June

BBC 1

Today’s Highlights

Tuesday

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Television

12 June

Wednesday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 7.00 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002: Nigeria v England 10.00 Kilroy 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Just Good Friends 2.40 Queen's Tennis 4.00 Rugrats 4.35 Even Stevens 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Michelle's romantic plans are foiled. Fnarr! Email us if you’ve ever used tin foil in a sexual way, incidentally. It would be, um, intriguing.

6.00 Open University: Finding a Balance 6.30 No Place to Hide 7.00 Breakfast 9.00 CBeebies: Bob the Builder 9.10 The Story Makers 9.25 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.40 Teletubbies 10.05 Playdays 10.25 Tweenies 10.50 Come Outside 11.05 Watch 11.20 Words and Pictures Plus 11.35 Cats' Eyes 11.50 Hands Up! 12.05 Pod's Mission 12.20 Landmark Shorts 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Queen's Tennis 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 4.00 Queen's Tennis 5.15 Weakest Link USA

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Carry On Laughing 9.50 This Morning 11.50 ITV News Headlines 11.55 News 12.00 World Cup 2002 Live: South Africa v Spain Spain will probably lose, because they always do. And it’s about time South Africa won a game’ – Sports Desk. 3.00 News 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.20 Dream Street 3.30 Pongwiffy 3.45 Horrible Histories 4.15 Brilliant Creatures 4.35 Don't Eat the Neighbours 5.00 Trisha Exposes... Britain's Biggest Love Rats Oh yes, thankyou to Jack Bennett for your lovely email. Quite a cheeky chappy, ain’t you?

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 I Dream of Jeannie 10.00 FILM: Seven Hills of Rome 11.55 FILM: Encounters 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Caio 12.35 Caffi Sali Mali 12.55 Mistar Morgan 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 In Your Face 2.00 Fifteen to One 2.30 Countdown 4.00 Penigamp 4.10 Mas Draw 4.40 Torri Bol 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Darn o Dir 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad Mynyddoedd: Pedwar Cwm: Cwm Bychan 9.00 ER 10.00 Big Brother

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered: UK 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: While Justice Sleeps ...Geri Halliwell and Enrique Iglesias become famous; Six Continents fuck up every pub in the country; Jade from Big Brother exists.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Steve Leonard's Ultimate Killers 7.55 Guns and Roses: In Command 8.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 9.00 Our Monarchy: The Next 50 Years David Dimbleby chairs a live debate on the future of the monarchy, featuring contributions from leading monarchists and republicans. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Bench 11.05 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 ‘1-0 England in a lacklustre performance. They might escape a Nigerian defeat, but they won’t escape torment from the tabloids’ – a cautious Sports Desk. 12.05 Johnny Vaughan's World Cup Extra 12.35 FILM: Death and Vengeance No coincidence that this is scheduled immediately after Vaughan’s display or supreme twuntishness, then. 2.10 Sign Zone: Diet or Die TV Desk approves wholeheartedly of this slogan. Skinny is sexy, and big isn’t beautiful. Oh Christ, why am I quoting godawful King Adora lyrics? 3.10 Sign Zone: Ice Dogs 3.40 Sign Zone: Panorama 4.20 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 With Samantha Fox, Squeeze and Gilbert O'Sullivan. Ace in a very kitsch way, godawful wank, and utterly pointless. 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Monkey Business 8.00 Would Like to Meet Sad fuckers prove unable to cope with being alone. 9.00 Murder Billie finds her personal and professional life turned upside down. Sounds alarmingly like failed popslut Billie Piper. 9.50 Black Cab Short film dramas set in the confined space of a London taxi. An inexperienced cabbie picks up a young man whose plans for the evening come as something of a shock. Sounds awesome! 10.00 Dossa and Joe 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Painting the Weather 11.50 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 Open University: Whose History Is It Anyway? 1.00 Living with Risk 1.30 Meaning in Abstract Art 2.00 Secondary Schools: Religious Education: Belief File - Hinduism and Judaism 4.00 Languages: Spain Inside Out 4-5 5.00 Working in the Community: Basic Skills

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Marlon and Tricia decide to surprise Edith for her birthday. Fnarr? Not with a name like Edith it isn’t. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 World Cup 2002: Nigeria v England 9.00 The Law 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 The Law Ooh, pizza has arrived. Yum. 10.50 The Ferret 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 FILM: When Danger Follows You Home ...the best policy is to invite it in for nightcap, then seduce it and corrupt it all night long. 1.15 World Cup 2002: Nigeria v England 2.50 ITV at the Festivals Grr. Am too skint to go to any this summer, and too lazy to get a job (work? me? You jest, surely). 3.45 ITV Sport Classics 3.55 ITV Nightscreen Did you know that one of the bints from Hepburn (you remember them – I Quit and all that) now works in the Nottingham branch of Boots? 5.30 ITV Early Morning News So, exams over now and what does Wales decide to do? It decides to piss it down with rain in a manner which is extraordinarily ill-fitting for a month like June.

10.35 Brookside 11.05 Brookside Gary and Mike come to blows. Fnarr! 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 Jackass 12.35 Oz 1.45 To the Ends of the Earth 2.45 FILM: Jury Duty CH4. As S4C except: 12.30 My Eden 12.35 ER 1.30 Ed 2.20 Ally McBeal 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 6.00 X-fire 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Human Signs 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Brookside 9.00 ER 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Ally McBeal 12.00 New to Q Featuring The Cooper Temple Clause, Simian, Alfie, British Sea Power and Minuteman. 12.05 12.20 4 Music: Ibiza TV Godskitchen resident spinmeister Fergie plays it hard and fast on the decks. 1.00 4 Music: Pioneers 1.20 4 Music: Primal Scream – Heavy Halos An exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the making of Primal Scream's video for their single Miss Lucifer, taken from their forthcoming album Evil Heat. 1.35 4 Music: Flava Presented by MC Ms Dynamite. 1.45 2.05 Big Brother 2.30 FILM: Nightmare Alley 4.25 VeeTV 4.55 Powerhouse 5.20 Countdown

5.30 5 News 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Claire is determined to find out more about Charlotte. Fnarr! 7.00 Danger! 50,000 Volts 7.30 5 News 8.00 FILM: National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation One of these Yankee ‘comedies’ devoid of humour, purpose and charm, I’d guess. 9.55 5 News Update 10.00 FILM: Body Count With David Caruso and Linda Fiorentino. Linda Fiorentino – top woman. 11.40 outTHERE Presented by TV babe Eden. Ah, Eden’s a legend. How she can be so bad at such an easy job is incomprehensible, and TV Desk loves all things incomprehensible. 12.10 Major League Baseball 4.00 Major League Baseball Replay 5.00 Australian Rules Football I keep hearing innuendo in World Cup commentary: today’s little gem was ‘a lot of passing and possession, but not enough penetration’, then there’re all the giving/ receiving puns. Reminds me of the time on Family Fortunes when the question was ‘what gets you wet’. Normal people said things like ‘swimming’ or ‘rain’; TV Desk said ‘sex’, and got some very odd looks.

Our Monarchy BBC1 9pm

Murder BBC2 9pm

World Cup 2002 ITV1 8pm

Ally McBeal C4 2.20pm

CHOICE Our Monarchy: The Next 50 Years BBC1, 9pm

UPHOLDERS OF the that proverbial societal backbone, or blood-and-taxsucking, parasitical, irrelevant scum? Trouble is, no-one seems to care

much either way: to too many, the Royal Family are just there, neither celebrated nor detested. Kids, where’s your rebellious spirit? Ah yes, slowly dissolving away under the glare of Big Brother. Anyway, the monarchy. If they don’t want to be abolished, the very least they should do is agree to be publicly sponsored

by Hello! magazine. 4Music Channel 4, 12am onwards

OH MY days, it’s good tonight. The Cooper Temple Clause, Fergie, Lee Scratch Perry, Primal Scream and Ms Dynamite! There is no excuse for not watching. None at all.

Wednesday 12th June

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

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Television

13 June

Daytime

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 7.15 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002 Oi! why no proper listing Mr. listing man? I wanna know who’s playing you twunt! 9.45 Parkinson 10.00 Kilroy 11.00 Bargain Hunt 11.45 Neighbours 12.10 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002 And again, you evil twunt.2.40 Queen's Tennis 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Dennis the Menace 4.10 ChuckleVision 4.25 The Cramp Twins 4.35 Jackie Chan Adventures 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

6.00 Open University 6.50 What Have the 70s Ever Done for Us? 7.15 Breakfast 9.00 CBeebies: Andy Pandy 9.10 The Story Makers 9.25 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.40 Teletubbies 10.05 Playdays 10.25 Tweenies 10.50 Hotch Potch House 11.10 Look and Read Special 11.30 Music Makers 11.50 Landmarks 12.10 Tales of Europe 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Queen's Tennis 2.40 Assembly Live 4.45 Queen's Tennis 5.15 Weakest Link USA

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Carry On Laughing 9.55 This Morning 11.55 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 12.35 The New Generation 1.05 FILM: Miss Firecracker 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.20 Dream Street 3.30 The Adventures of Captain Pugwash 3.45 The Angry Beavers 4.00 The Angry Beavers 4.15 The Big Bang 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.00 Trisha Exposes... Britain's Biggest Love Rats

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Little House on the Prairie 10.30 Test Cricket: 3rd Test: England v Sri Lanka 1.05 The Lunch Break 1.35 Test Cricket: 3rd Test: England v Sri Lanka 6.35 Wedi 6 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News. 8.00 Darn o Dir 8.30 Gwyllt Wildlife 9.00 Treats from the Edwardian Country House 9.30 Brookside 10.00 Big Brother 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Fideo Mondo

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered: UK 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: The Revengers 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 Gary Lineker introduces highlights of the day's action as Groups C and G are decided – Costa Rica v Brazil, Turkey v China, Mexico v Italy and Ecuador v Croatia. Predictions: 4-0 Brazil, 3-0 Turkey, 1-0 Italy and 1-1 in the last one. 8.00 EastEnders Janine accepts Billy's offer to grease herself up and slide around in paddling pool full of baby oil under the watchful gaze of David Amess MP. Amess strokes his pet stoat intensely.. 8.30 FILM: Nine Months Starring Hugh Grunt. I wonder what happened to Divine Brown? Her profile went down (fnarr) rapidly didn’t it? 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Bench 11.05 Question Time 12.05 Dragon's Eye A fat blokes Jap’s eye perhaps? 12.35 Sign Zone: Wildlife on One 1.05 Sign Zone: 4 x 4 Reports 1.40 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 This Land: Pembrokeshire A county so boring it’s tourism slogan is “Pembrokeshire: Where nothing ever changes”. Chilling. 8.00 Dragon's Eye 8.30 Panic Mechanics 9.00 The Hunt for Britain's Paedophiles Series offering an insight into the world of paedophiles. Detectives track down some of the hundreds of victims of a paedophile ring that has been operating for 30 years. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Painting the Weather 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Rough Science 1.00 Final Frontier 1.35 Background Brief 1.50 What Have the 90s Ever Done for Us? 2.00 Relative Risk - the Human Genome Project 2.50 Ever Wondered? 3.00 The Challenge 3.30 Curriculum Development: Aim Higher 4.00 Languages: Europuzzle/Bon Mot - The Harp 5.00 Working in the Community

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales This Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Bad Girls A bomb planted by Snowball as part of her escape plan detonates, trapping several inmates as fire rages through G-Wing. A fire raged through my Gwing last night I can tell you.. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 World Cup 2002 Matt Smith (cunter) with highlights of today's final games in Group C between Costa Rica and Brazil, and Turkey and China; and in Group G between Mexico and Italy, and Ecuador and Croatia. 12.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald “This week: The frightening truth about people who don’t read tabloids. That twat from Watchdog has this report...” 12.30 Night and Day 1.30 Riders and Rich Kids 1.55 World Cup 2002: Costa Rica v Brazil 3.30 Cybernet 4.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

11.35 Banzai . 12.05 Daisy Daisy Complete shite of the lowest form possible. I cannot put into words how excruiciatingly annoying I find this woman. 12.35 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 1.05 Strippers 1.35 Carling Homecoming 2.35 Best Friends 3.05 Third Watch 3.55 Monster Files: The Beast of the Amazon

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs No gay subtext and therefore no listing for you, Mr. Channel 5. Those are the rules I’m afraid. 7.00 The Pepsi Chart 7.30 5 News National 8.00 Megablasts A look at the pyrotechnic special effects carried out in blockbuster Hollywood films like Armageddon, Universal Soldier: the Return, Blown Away, and Enemy of the State. Mmm.. “blockbuster” could be “shite” here. KABOOM!! 9.00 FILM: The Godfather 12.20 NHL Ice Hockey Live - Stanley Cup Game Five 4.30 Channel 5 Football Classic: Germany v Israel Last TVDesk listings ever...sob. Back next year though, hurrah! All that left is a big award ceremony, but since we can’t afford one and no-one likes us: Most angry member of the GR office award: Pearlo! Harry Potter lookalike award: Step forward, Tristan “Mr.T” Thomas. Best explanation of the offside rule award: Charlotte ‘twinkletoes’ Spratt. Best anecdote about getting mugged by two women: Goes to...Bladon. Thanks and goodnight!

CHOICE Southpark Channel 4, 11.05pm LOOK I didn’t see the episode with “towely” in okay? Will everyone stop going on about it to me unless you can lend me the video. Rather like a fine wine (erm..) Southpark has

CH4. As S4C except: 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Treats from the Edwardian Country House 9.00 Secret History 11.05 South Park 11.35 Shockers 12.35 New to Q 12.45 Big Brother 1.20 Dogma TV 1.45 ICC Cricket World International cricket magazine. 2.20 ASCAR Racing 2.50 World Rally Shakedown 3.20 Trans World Sport 4.15 F3 on 4 4.40 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 5.10 The Lord's Test 5.15 Countdown

got better with age. Notice I avoided saying “matured” there. It’s all gone very surreal but importantly still bowel-shakingly funny. The Hunt for Britain’s Paedophiles BBC2, 9.00pm LOOK! THERE’S one, behind that bush!

Eastenders BBC1 8pm

Panic Mechanics BBC2 8.30pm

Emmerdale ITV1 7pm

Secret History C4 9pm

Thursday 13th June

Evening

BBC 1

Today’s Highlights

Thursday

Wearing an anorak and looking suspiciously like Jeremy Clarkson! (who sued Popbitch.com for saying something similar. No smoke without fire I say...). I recommend watching the Brass Eye Special first just to diffuse the sensationalist crap I expect this programme to rake up. Anyhow, might be worth a look, there’s sod all else on anyway...

Television

14 June

Daytime Evening

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 7.15 Match of the Day Live: World Cup 2002 9.45 Parkinson 10.00 Kilroy 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Just Good Friends 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Dennis the Menace 4.10 Cubix 4.35 S Club 7: Don't Stop Movin' 5.00 Bring It On 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Nick: “Flick came into GAME when I...”

6.00 Open University: Design for an Alien World 6.30 Clayoquot Sound - the Final Cut? 7.15 Breakfast 9.00 CBeebies: Pablo, the Little Red Fox 9.10 The Story Makers 9.25 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.40 Teletubbies 10.05 Playdays 10.25 Tweenies 10.50 Storytime 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Tales of Europe 11.35 Watch 11.50 Zig Zag 12.10 Landmarks 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Queen's Tennis “...worked there, and asked for directions.” Great stuff. Looks like she’s leaving Erinsborough now. I’m writing TV again cos all...

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Carry On Laughing 9.50 This Morning 11.50 ITV News Headlines 11.55 HTV News 12.00 World Cup 2002 Live: Portugal v South Korea 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.20 Dream Street 3.30 Angelina Ballerina 3.45 Horrible Histories 4.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 4.35 S Club 7: Back to the 50s 5.00 Trisha Exposes... Britain's Biggest Love Rats ...the people who are supposed to be doing it have fucked off to attain some sort of degree, whatever that may mean.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Little House on the Prairie 10.30 Test Cricket: 3rd Test: England v Sri Lanka 1.05 The Lunch Break 1.35 Test Cricket: 3rd Test: England v Sri Lanka I, on the other hand, haven’t been a student for about a year, but gain some fairly inexplicable sense of personal satisfaction from annoying people who I’m unlikely ever to meet by filling these spaces. Like I’m doing now. Now, where did we get to? The guy who just sent TV Desk a bunch of porn – thanks, but in the main we prefer weirder or...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Dig and Dug 7.15 Mr Men and Little Miss 7.30 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered: UK 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Sands of the Kalahari ...nastier stuff, as opposed to these fairly run-of-the-mill shots. But again, the sentiment is appaluded.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 Stuff from the Groups of Life tonight – Portugal v South Korea, Poland v USA, Tunisia v Japan and Belgium v Russia. At the time of writing France are looking up shit creek, which has to be laughed at really. 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 My Hero 9.00 One Foot in the Grave 9.30 Blackadder the Third Awesome! This is the one with Samuel Johnson's dictionary. No-one has done a better sitcom than this in fifteen years, even Frasier or Father Ted. Or My Hero. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Jim Davidson Falklands Bound You walked right into this Jim, you grudgefuck. Preview. 11.20 FILM: Silent Trigger 12.50 Re:covered 1.25 FILM: The Devil Rides Out Gutted no-one’s seen this, it looks like the nuts. Christopher Lee plays a nobleman who saves his mate from a satanic society. Where’s Captain Gates when you need him? 2.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons “I think Bart’s stupid again.” 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars: The Fifth Wars 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 The Curious Gardeners This programme is great, and it is a sliver of a redeeming feature on the BBC’s part that they’ve brought it back for a second series. Popular culture can throw Big Cunting Brother and all the other insipid mooseshit it likes at us, but somehow the idea of a programme where two gay gardeners go round in a dinky car looking at begonias and that is a ray of hope. 8.30 Gardeners' World This is just bollocks though. 9.00 Wellington: The Iron Duke 9.50 Jeremy Clarkson Meets the Neighbours: Spain So yeah, they sleep a lot and the birds have hairy armpits, right Clarkson? Erm, who cares? 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 12.15 Robot Wars: The Fifth Wars 1.05 FILM: The Sunchaser 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Kirk asks Les if he can lodge with him. Fnarr. 8.00 Wish You Were Here...? 8.30 Airline 9.00 Lads' Army This looks pretty skill. A bunch of steakhead chumps get humiliated on television for no reason by a shit-for-brains troupe of sadist scumfucks that pass for military officials. Bill Hicks: “Anyone dumb enough to want to join the army should be allowed in. End of story.” This it it you see, basically the only TV that gets me off these days is football, The Simpsons and unashamedly sadistic ‘documentary’ footage. 10.00 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 2 10.45 ITV Weekend News 11.05 HTV News and Weather 11.15 World Cup 2002 12.45 High Performance 1.15 Dial-a-Date 1.45 Veronica's Closet 2.10 World Cup 2002 3.50 Box Office America 4.15 World Football 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.30 Darn o Dir 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Tic Toc 8.30 Pawb a'i Farn 9.30 Big Brother 10.00 Big Brother 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.10 Jackass 11.40 Big Brother Live 1.50 World Rally Greece 2.20 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 2.50 ICC Cricket World 3.20 FILM: The Beast Must Die “It’s got a werewolf in it, like in the Harry Potter books,” Alex says. OK...

5.30 5 News 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Tim Marlow on Tate Modern 7.30 5 News 8.00 Secrets of World War II: U-Boat Wars 8.30 Secrets of World War II: Human Torpedoes 9.00 FILM: Fall into Darkness 10.50 FILM: On the Edge Some soft porn bollocks. Can’t be worse than Granada Men & Motors. You’ve never experienced the depths of despair until you’ve watched that channel and actually considered cracking one off. Er, what else? Everyone with cable, watch Glutton Bowl on Bravo. It’s gotard TV for the new dawn. New cocktail just invented: Bacardi, ginger syrup and Benylin. It’s a tad on the sweet side. Want to try a bit Nick? “I’ll smell it... that’s enough thank you.” I call it the W***** because it could strip flesh. 12.30 FILM: Bobby Deerfield With Al Pacino and Marthe Keller. 2.40 FILM: Looker 4.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.25 Xena: Warrior Princess 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka Highlights of the second day's play of the Third Test. Analysis by Richie Benaud, Mike Atherton, Dermot Reeve, Simon Hughes, Michael Slater and Barry Richards. 7.30 8.00 World Rally Greece 8.30 Big Brother 9.00 Friends 9.30 Will and Grace 1.50 onedottv 2.20 Third Watch 3.15 FILM: There's a Girl in My Soup This is about a shagaround TV chef who pulls a girl. Peter Sellers is in it. SCORE!! 4.50 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 5.20 Countdown

Match of the Day BBC1 7pm

Wellington: The Iron Duke BBC2 9pm

Airline ITV1 8.30pm

Will and Grace C4 9.30pm

CHOICE Jim Davidson Falklands Bound BBC 1, 10.35 pm SOMETIMES THE gods smile on you in the eleventh hour. You know – you wake up hungover with mint sauce on your face (you don’t need to know), your fucking paycheck

hasn’t cleared and you haven’t got a tenner to pay Nick back even though he’s been a legend and lent you money to go out and get pissed in the first place, it’s raining, you’ve had a boring day at work... and then you come in to GR and find that... Prince Chuck is introducing a commemorative programme which sees Jim Davidson – who, one has just learned, is chairman of the British Forces

Foundation – returning to the Falkland Islands to take a look at life within the military and civilian population 20 years after the liberation. It couldn’t be a more perfect setup for a gratuitous torrent of abuse, unless Simon Weston and Jamie Oliver were along for the ride as well. I hate Jim Davidson, and patriotism, and there won’t be a better time to stick it up the fat arses of... oh, out of space. Weak.

Friday 14th June

BBC 1

Today’s Highlights

Friday

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Television

15 June

Saturday S4C

7.00 Spot 7.09 Alternative Schedule 7.10 The Shiny Show 7.30 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.45 Flint the Time Detective 8.10 Yvon of the Yukon 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 The Saturday Show 10.30 Trooping the Colour I’d love to get arrested for impersonating a Chelsea Pensioner but as Noel just said, wouldn’t it be awesome if a Chelsea Pensioner impersonated you? 12.15 World Cup 2002 5.10 BBC News; Weather 5.30 Wales Today 5.35 The Waiting Game

7.00 Weekend 24 8.15 See Hear on Saturday 9.00 Weekend 24 9.59 Alternative Schedule 10.00 HARDtalk 10.30 The Saturday Show 12.00 Saturday Kitchen 1.30 OU 2.00 FILM: Captain Scarlett 3.15 International Tennis and Athletics 6.05 Trooping the Colour Apparently, the Queen Mum had time for everyone. Well, she didn’t have any time for me. I was her dentist. AWESOME! We’ve just found the porn, reader Jack Bennett’s sent us. What’s that Rolo wrapper doing there?

6.00 GMTV 7.00 World Cup 2002 Live 9.58 Pattern B Eh? 9.59 Pattern C What? 10.00 SMTV Live 1 2.00 CD:UK 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.05 HTV News and Weather 1.10 International Motor Racing 1.40 Carry On Laughing 2.10 FILM: West Side Story Awesome! East End boys and West End girls. 5.00 HTV News 5.10 ITV News; Sport 5.25 Lily Savage's Blankety Blank Yes, I know what it is really, thanks Alex.

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 FILM: My Sister Eileen 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Cricket Roadshow 10.55 Test Cricket: 3rd Test: England v Sri Lanka 1.05 The Lunch Break 1.25 Test Cricket and Channel 4 attheraces from York and Sandown Park 4.05 Test Cricket: 3rd Test: England v Sri Lanka 6.30 Encounters 6.40 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 6.55 Goreuon Yr Urdd 7.55 Noson Lawen I'w Chofio 9.00 Cutting Edge: Gigolo

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 8.00 Klootz 8.05 Fat Dog Mendoza 8.30 Mega Babies 8.55 The Powerpuff Girls 9.20 Xcalibur 9.50 Max Steel 10.20 Animal Xtremes 10.35 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 11.30 Zoe 12.00 5 News Saturday 12.30 The Pepsi Chart 1.00 Young Americans 1.55 The Tribe 2.55 Home and Away Omnibus 5.00 FILM: The Next Karate Kid Implausibly stars Hilary Swank.

Not sure if this is at all right, actually. Seeing as all the listings depend on the football. 6.05 Friends like These Noel Gardner and W***** kiss and make up. 7.00 Remotely Funny Guests are Philippa Forrester and David Dickinson. Legend! 7.35 The National Lottery: In It to Win It 8.20 Casualty A shooting brings Det Insp Collier back into the hospital. Still convinced that he raped his wife, Lara threatens to tell his staff. Of course, she could tell the police. Bit heavy for Casualty, this. What happened to old people falling off ladders? 9.10 FILM: Psycho Sorry, it’s the pointless remake. 10.50 BBC News; Weather 11.10 World Cup 2002 12.10 FILM: The Arrival Superfluous Sci-Fi nonsense with Hollywood legend, Charlie Sheen. 2.05 Top of the Pops 2.35 Joins BBC News 24 Hope you enjoyed the return of the TV legend yesterday. I won’t tell if you don’t. Not the first time he’s left a building with a blanket over his head...

7.20 Arena On Seven Samurai director, Akira Kurosawa. 8.20 The Hollywood Machine: Lightning in a Bottle Explores the inner workings of the American film industry, examining the impact big-name actors can have on the making of a film and the other factors that can mean success or failure in the marketplace. May not feature Shannon Tweed. 9.10 Reputations: Frankie Howerd Howerd led a secretive private life marred by depression, money worries and sexual insecurities. The programme explores for the first time his encounter with LSD-assisted psychotherapy. That’s sooo my life. 10.05 Up Pompeii 10.35 FILM: A Simple Plan With Bill Paxton and Billy Bob Thornton. Directed by Sam Raimi. Quite good, says Pearlo. Any more, Pearlo? No. Gutted. 12.30 FILM: The Grissom Gang Directed by Robert Aldrich. Odds on, it also is probably quite good. Must be such an easy life on Filmdesk. 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision

6.05 You've Been Framed! 6.30 The Vault 7.15 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Starts off at the King’s Cross and ends up at Club X. 8.15 Family Fortunes 8.45 ITV Weekend News 9.00 The Brian Conley Show The popular (sic) entertainer talks to guests Andy Williams, Denise Van Outen, Nigel Havers and Luke Goss. 10.00 After They Were Famous Features The Jam's drummer Rick Buckler and actress Alexandra Bastedo. But don’t they have to have been famous in the first place? 10.30 World Cup 2002 Highlights 11.45 FILM: The Untouchables Scripted by David Mamet, with an hilarious Oscar-winning performance from Sean Connery. Connery avoids Far and Awoiy accent debacle by not even bothering and hoping no-one notices his Scottish accent. 1.55 Dial-a-Date 2.25 World Cup 2002 4.05 Cybernet 4.30 To Be Announced 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

10.00 Big Brother 10.35 Angel 11.30 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 12.00 Big Brother Live 1.35 World Rally 2.35 FILM: Ed McBain's 87th Precinct With Randy Quaid and Alex McArthur. Made-for-TV drama in which two detectives are assigned to a series of murders of female athletes. Each victim has been left in a gorily victorious pose with a bolt of lightning marked somewhere on their body. Well, top marks for style, guys. Directed by Bruce Paltrow.

7.00 Charmed 7.50 Extreme Magic: Challenge of the Death Dive 8.50 5 News and Sport 9.10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation The team must unravel the many motives for the murder of an elderly woman. Look, I didn’t actually kill the Queen Mum. 10.05 Law and Order 11.05 FILM: Stealing Home With Mark Harmon and Jodie Foster. Moving drama (it says here) in which a fading baseball star (why is it always a fading baseball star?) returns home for the first time in 20 years when his childhood friend and onetime lover commits suicide. When he meets up with his friend's parents, he finds that she has left him her ashes. In an effort to work out what to do with them, he relives memories of their shared past and tries to face up to his future. Actually, that sounds very awesome indeed. The bloke should know that Jodie Foster’s a lessa anyway. Her brother said so. 12.55 NHL Ice Hockey Live - Stanley Cup Game Six 4.20 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

Evening

CH4. As S4C except: 6.05 Animal Alphabet 7.00 FILM: The Best Things in Life are Free Lively biography of TV Desk. 9.00 The Morning Line 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 World Rally - Greece 8.00 Secrets of the Honours System It’s hardly a secret, is it? Just open your chequebook 9.00 David Blaine - Frozen in Time 10.00 Big Brother Live The Task 10.35 Angel 1.40 FILM: The Run of the Country 3.35 Dark Skies 4.25 Code Name - Eternity 5.15 The Storm

CHANNEL 5

Casualty BBC1 8.15pm

The Hollywood Machine BBC2 8.15pm

The Vault ITV1 8.10pm

CSI C5 9.00pm

CHOICE

generally excellent anyway.

Arena: Akira Kurosawa BBC 2, 7.20 pm

Film: West Side Story HTV, 2.10 pm

THINK WE’LL have a film theme tonight. Just in case you’re suffering World Cup fatigue, or if you’re English. We all know Kurosawa’s one of the true greats and the Arena series is

WATCH THIS! It’s far more entertaining than you remember. Great songs, choreography and design. Also, a useful meditation on innercity gang violence. Simply a beautiful film.

Saturday 15th June

HTV

Daytime

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

BBC 1

Film: The Untouchables HTV, 11.45pm ANOTHER GOOD looking film (all the costumes are Armani), but really it’s a crock o’ piss. Bob Hoskins got £800,000 for not appearing in it. Money well spent.

Television

16 June

Sunday S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Great Barrier Reef 6.29 Alternative Schedule 6.30 Great Mysteries and Myths of the Twentieth Century 7.00 World Cup 2002 9.45 Diagnosis Murder 10.30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 1.00 Perry Mason: Case of the Shooting Star 2.30 Dad's Army 2.59 Alternative Schedule 3.00 EastEnders 4.50 My Hero 5.20 BBC News; Weather 5.40 Regional News and Weather 5.45 Songs of Praise

6.00 Breakfast 8.59 Alternative Schedule 9.00 Yvon of the Yukon 9.25 Super Duper Sumos 9.45 Rugrats 10.00 S Club 7: Don't Stop Movin' Au contraire. 10.25 Even Stevens 10.50 Kenan and Kel 11.15 Due South 12.00 Star Trek Uhura in signing session at Forbidden Planet scenes! 12.49 Alternative Schedule 12.50 Afoot Again in the Past 1.00 Regional programmes 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 Rowing 2.00 Queen's Tennis 4.00 Athletics

6.00 GMTV 9.23 Pattern B 9.24 Pattern C 9.25 Cardcaptors 9.50 Garfield and Friends 10.20 My Favourite Hymns 11.20 Spider-Man: Behind the Web 11.50 HTV News 11.55 ITV News; Weather 12.00 World Cup 2002 Live 2.45 Carry On Laughing 3.15 Jonathan Dimbleby 4.00 Catchphrase 4.30 Waterfront 5.00 Nash Bridges Arggh! I’ve just managed to cause some Homer Simpson style meltdown by tipping Bacardi over the keyboard. Err, Doh! etc.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 Taina 7.30 X-fire 8.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 10.30 Test Cricket: 3rd Test: England v Sri Lanka 1.05 The Lunch Break 1.35 Test Cricket: 3rd Test: England v Sri Lanka Unfortunately, the editor’s censored me from reproducing an hilarious anecdote concerning the W***** cocktail and a toilet. Gutted. “To the artististe, an applause is like a banquet. Thanks for the cheese sandwich.” If only Les Dawson was here to say that. Books: oh well, dead now.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 It's Your Funeral 7.00 Beachcomber Bay 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.05 Adventures from the Book of Virtues 8.35 Babar 9.05 Wishbone 9.35 Redwall 10.05 Tiger, Tiger 10.35 The New Adventures of Robin Hood My friend’s Auntie asked for the theme from Robin Hood at her wedding. She meant the Bryan Adams tune. Guess what happened, kids! 11.30 School12.30 5 News Update 12.40 Moto Grand Prix: Catalunya 2.20 FILM: Hatari! 5.20 5 News and Sport

6.20 That Was Life! Before I tasted Noel’s Bacardi, Benylin and Ginger syrup. He’s named it the W*****. I’ll say no more. 7.20 Holiday Guide to... 8.00 Ground Force Goes South Atlantic A special edition from the Falkland Islands. Alan Titchmarsh and the team tackle the courtyard of the King Edward VII Hospital in Stanley. Sarah says we’ve got to be nice about the Falklands. Between you and me, just go to the preview. 9.00 Nice Guy Eddie Former BNP member, Ricky Tomlinson stars. 10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 Holiday Horror 11.15 World Cup 2002 Highlights from today's second-round matches. 12.15 Johnny Vaughan's World Cup Extra 12.45 FILM: Perfect Alibi A mother, who wants to spend more time at the store she owns, hires an au pair to care for her children while she is at work. As the au pair begins to build a close relationship with the children, the mother's sister becomes suspicious of her and her motives. If I was her son, I’d be bizarrely chuffed. 2.25 Joins BBC News 24

7.15 Correspondent: Boys Will Be Boys A disturbing report on the sex industry flourishing in Bosnia and Kosovo, where girls as young as 15 have been duped into working in brothels and forced to have sex with UN personnel, the peacekeepers who have been sent in to bring law and order. The programme reveals that a `boys will be boys' culture prevails, and that highranking soldiers and police officers are turning a blind eye to the shameful situation. 8.00 Bitter Harvest: Out of Eden 8.50 The Witness: Birth of the Pill followed by `Man on the Moon' 9.00 Bobby Moore: World Cup Hero and crappest jewel thief evver. 9.50 Celebrity Relics Michael Barrymore’s career. 10.00 24 10.45 The X Files 11.30 Room 101 12.00 FILM: A Family Thing With Robert Duvall and James Earl Jones. Terrribblle. 2.00 GCSE Bitesize Revision 4.00 Languages: Talk French 1-4 5.00 Working in the Community

6.00 HTV News 6.15 Grass Roots 6.45 ITV News; Weather 7.00 Wish You Were Here...? 7.30 Coronation Street Awesome new advert for Bet Lynch. Fair doos. 8.00 Where the Heart Is 9.00 Midsomer Murders The leader of a reading club is found battered to death, exposing the club's secret activities. That’s what happens when you read Noel’s TV listings. 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.15 World Cup 2002 12.30 Ultimate Questions 1.00 Trisha 2.00 World Cup 2002 3.45 My Favourite Hymns 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News GETHIN, THE DARK LORD SLUGS IT OUT WITH THE BLONDE STREAK OGRE. APOLOGIES TO OUR OTHER 13,998 READERS. JUST SKIP TO S4C. OH, YEAH AND.... EDWIN MEAD- GUTTED ON THE COUNTDOWN FAILURE BUT CONGRATULATIONS ON SECOND PLACE IN THE S***N W****N LOOKALIKE COMPETITION.

6.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 8.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 9.00 Pen Tennyn 9.30 Newyddion News. 9.45 Maniffesto . 10.15 Big Brother 11.15 Ally McBeal 12.10 World Rally - Greece 12.40 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 1.10 Secrets of the Honours System 2.10 FILM: Martha and Ethel Documentary on a couple of nannies. 3.35 Phantoms in the Brain

5.30 FILM: The King and I Gutted, it’s the animated version. 7.10 Martial Law 8.00 Maradona: The Good, the Mad and the Ugly 9.00 FILM: Universal Soldier 10.55 Hard B----ds: Ronnie Field 11.25 Law and Order 12.25 Major League Baseball Live: New York Mets v New York Yankees 4.00 Major League Baseball Replay Well, has it come to this? The last TV listing of the year and possibly my last ever, especially if W***** launches a personal vendetta against me too. Anyway, thanks to Sarah, Gemma, DC and my fellow TV monkeys, Steve and Alex. Noel Gardner for keeping it real, W***** and the VC for all their support, the Queen Mum, for dropping dead eerily soon after I predicted it. No thanks to Thatcher for failing to do likewise. Thanks to Jamie Oliver for heeding our advice and taking the special bus to fuck off for the past few months. Last, and in fairness, least, thanks to you, the readers, for making these long Thursday nights worthwhile.

Daytime Evening

CH4. As S4C except: 6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Blue's Clues 7.30 Popworld8.30 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 World Rally - Greece 8.00 Inside My Head: Michael 9.00 The West Wing 10.00 Big Brother 11.05 Banzai 11.35 Sex Tips for Girls 12.10 Today at the Test: England v Sri Lanka 12.40 Big Brother 1.45 The Ex-Files 2.15 Killing Christine. 3.15 Psychopath 4.10 Tempting Faith: Soul Searchers 5.05 Liberty! the American War of Independence: Are We to Be a Nation?

Fields of Gold BBC1 9.05pm

24 BBC2 10pm

Coronation Street ITV1 7.30pm

Big Brother C4 Various

CHOICE Ground Force Goes South Atlantic BBC 1, 8.00pm IN THE words of Littlejohn, you couldn’t make up. Our last weekend, Noel turns up and it’s a Falklands special. It could be the cocktails muddying our minds but it

seems to say here that the Groundforce team are visiting some Argentinian islands called the Malvinas. Awesome! Can we still have our degrees taken away from us? If so, Weston’s a hero, the islands are ‘ours’ and the Belgrano was on a fishing trip. In case not, Weston was merely a puppet in Thatcher’s bid to start a war, causing a rise of patriotism in order to hold on to power. You might have noticed something similar happening in

Afghanistan or somewhere like that. In any case, expect Titchmarsh to create a pleasing ‘wild’ effect garden to keep the penguins and citizens happy. Though why the tax exempt population can’t afford it themselves, I couldn’t possibly comment. I did have an hilarious comment regarding Charlie Dimmock’s belated water features but you’ll have to work that one out for yourselves.

Sunday 16th June

HTV

Today’s Highlights

BBC 2

BBC 1

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62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

10.06.01

Focus

The Gair Rhydd Features Section Free Word 725

So long, farewell... Whether you’re popping home for a few days or the whole summer or are set never to return to the hallowed streets of Caerdydd, we’re sure you’ll miss the city that’s been your home for three years. So, to foster those good memories, Charlotte Spratt presents the ultimate holiday guide and things you should do before you leave Cardiff

or many of us, the end of exams does not just mean a long break from uni work, but a break from the place which we call home for at least six months every year. Whether you are in your first year or your last, chances are that if you are leaving Cardiff for a few weeks or months you are sorry to leave it behind. Even if it’s just because you’ll miss Friday night piss-ups in Lash or Monday morning gossips in the back of the lecture hall. Going home often means some loss of independence, so more and more students are choosing to stay here over the summer months. Whatever you decide to do, it’s likely that you’re going to be leaving some of your friends behind. The solution? Well you could have lots of piss-ups before the end of term. Or you could arrange a break before you all go home. Late deals before the schools break up are often amazing value. Holiday companies buy up blocks of rooms in apartments or take over whole hotels and, therefore, have to fill up the rooms, whatever loss they make on full prices. It’s worth shopping around. Take a browse on the internet. Beachbeats.com have a seven-night stay in Kavos, Corfu for £169 per person, departing on 24th June. Barginholidays.com, meanwhile, have a £99 seven-night holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza. It’s worth actually visiting the travel agents as they often have more unusual deals. Last week, a friend and I spent just five nights in Palma Nova, Majorca, flying from Bristol and returning to Cardiff. It was a deal that the internet sites do not have the capabilities to offer yet

FROM THE TOP: Millennium Stadium, National Museum and City Hall

but that My Travel could offer immediately. STA travel offer various studentfriendly options. They can arrange accommodation and flights and routes around different countries. Their Latino Wanderer, for example, flies to Lima, followed by Santiago, Buenos Aires, Auckland, Brisbane, Melbourne, Ho Chi Minh and Bangkok before returning to the UK. From London, it costs £868. Meanwhile, there are flights to Kuala Lumpur for £513 (and accommodation from £9 a night) or New York for £199. Prague returns cost just £98 at the moment, Eurostar returns to Brussels are £75 and interrail travel cards start from £119 – there is something to suit most budgets even at the height of the season. Your summers as a student equal the chance of a lifetime to do things, you may not have the chance or the time to do again. If you’re starting work next year, or returning to uni in September, take the opportunity to escape from the mundane, even if it means you may not earn so much money this summer. Last summer, after slogging away for a few months, I took a week out to backpack around the North of Italy, spending a few nights in Youth Hostels in cities like Florence, Genoa and in the beautiful Cinque Terre region. It was cheap, cheerful and a lot of fun. But if you can’t afford it, have other plans or have no desire to go away, either to exotic climes or on an 18-30 style holiday, earn shitloads of money instead. Your mates may have a tan, but you’ll be able to get lashed every night for ever and ever.

10 things you MUST do before you leave Cardiff this summer 1. Visit the Castle. You know you have been meaning to do it since the first week of the first year. I hear the tour is well worth the money, so get down there this week. 2. Go down to the Bay. When it’s sunny it’s a truly nice place to visit. Take a boat ride or just wander, sip cocktails and eat trendy food in Bar38, have an ice cream on the pier or visit the wicked Glee Club for a comedy night out. 3. Go to the National Museum. Not only is it free to enter the Main Hall, but it houses lots of properly good stuff like Impressionist paintings. Also on at the moments is a ‘Walking with Dinosaurs’ exhibition (£1 entry with NUS). 4. Go to the Millennium Stadium. There may not be much on down there at the moment but guided tours take you everywhere, from the Royal Box to the changing rooms and down the players tunnel. (10am-5pm, £3 with NUS). 5. Try and get into the Clwb Ifor Bach on Welshies only night. Altogether now: Cymru...Heddlu, err...Heno...oh dear, oh dear. 6. Return to the Taf. Where else can you randomly bump into everyone and his dog and have a drink or ten with them before falling over? 7. Take a picnic to Bute Park, Roath Park, the Brecons or to the beach at Barry. A few beers, a bit of french bread and a slab of cheese, a frisbee, a rugby ball and three of your best mates. Not so effective in the drizzle however. 8. Go to Barry Island! Relive family holidays from when you were five. It has an amusement park (free, rides individually priced) with viper rides and log flumes as well as Quasar. Brilliant. 9. Get Pizza at The Social. Yummy, scrummy and not unreasonably priced. 10. Get lashed. Everyday.

INSIDE FOCUS THIS WEEK: The Sabbatical grilling – exactly what did they achieve this year? • The year that was – a look back in a year in the life of gair rhydd • Popscene’s review of the year

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Gair Rhydd Monday 10 June 2002

2001-2002 The year

Another year gone so quickly. And here at gair rhydd we brought you the best we possibly could in news, views and entertainment. Here you read about student escorts, Welsh footballers and companies fleecing students before anyone else. Reminisce with us...

October

e are going to take you back, way back into the murky depths of time, when you thought that this year may be the year you would finally get down to do some work for your degree, the year you would absolutely not get drunk six times a week, the year it was all going to go so right. This is where it all began...

• Firstly, and most importantly, your wonderful student media was once again recognised by media bigwigs at The Guardian, The Independent and Radio One Student Media Awards. Xpress Radio received eight nominations, a record number including two for Best Female and two for Best Newcomer. gair rhydd, meanwhile, were nominated for Best Campaign and the Diversity Award. • Features delved headfirst into current affairs, discussing propaganda to world peace, Osama and Tony Blair. We also took at look at the to-do list of the AlQaeda network (GR703): 1. Morning exercise – thrash infidels with stave 2. Trim beard with shears – carefully 3. Stone the guilty 4. Check closet for US Commandos 5. Secretly watch You’ve Got Mail DVD. Remember: Tears = Weakness 6. Hang the innocent 7. Floss 8. Go camel tipping • In Sport, Cardiff University football team settled old scores, beating Glamorgan University 2-1. GR reported, “An outstanding couple of saves from Orral Nadiari and a miracle sliding tackle from Jamie Parkinson, who was solid throughout the game, secured an emphatic win for Cardiff.” • Music reviewed the Freshers Ball, a veritable frenzy of puking first years... how you look back now and laugh and laugh that your puke was nuclear orange. And that you shagged that minger. Gutted. “Unfortunately, the sound system wheezed its way through the whole night. It was a surreal sight, watching a a crowd of immaculately dressed boys and girls uncomfortably dance to music they may have been oblivious of until now.” Sounds like a good night of lash to me.

November Ah, those autumn nights drawing out longer and longer...rain and wind all the way. But did it get us down? Did it hell, we were all lashed I reckon. Well I don’t remember it anyway. • Four Cardiff students were bottled by the Union steps after a night out at Zeus in an apparently unprovoked attack. It was one in a string of assaults around the Cathays area. • Jools Holland played St David’s Hall with a ‘stonker of a show.’ • The International Film Festival of Wales hit Cardiff and, not being the kind of paper to avoid hobnobbing with media bigwigs, we interviewed Mark Faiers, director of Fatigue and writer and director of Labrats, Paul Brannigan. • Embrace played the Great Hall, prompting Adrian Everett to write, “Even the intro seemed to express warmth and genuine emotion. It built to a climax in which the music swept us off our feet.” • Features, meanwhile, had great fun investigating the sleazy world of escorting after posters appeared around Cathays inviting students to become ‘high-class escorts’. Intrepid reporting saw us uncover the site of undercover prostitution at a well-known family hotel at the bay, while Film editor, Jonathan Steven, rang to

arrange an escort. • November also saw the rugby team trounce Llanrumney 39-20. “The Cardiff front five, led by former captain James McKay, continually punished their opponents in the scrum without shying from any dirty work in the loose.” (GR705)

December As we began to get excited about Christmas – the turkey, the presents, the first drink the bar dry – what was happening in the voice of Cardiff University? We were all out getting lashed of course, but in between nights on the piss we managed to scrape this lot together for you... • Act One got saucy once again with their annual pantomime. Robin Hood Prince of Sleaze combined sexy dancing with smutty jokes, clever banter with the audience and witty puns. “It was written especially for Idlewild play the capital our dirty student minds” claimed our reviewer, but my gran loved it too. • Shock horror, the Union building was voted the sixth ugliest piece of architecture in Cardiff. Sixth? What the hell is uglier than the Union on this planet, let alone in Cardiff? Has Prof. Malcolm Parry (from the school of architecture) gone slightly potty? The UGC cinema and Norwegian Church at the bay were deemed uglier somehow. But that church has got lots of history, so that makes it better. Fact. • The Taf got a makeover. As ‘Mace’ so charmingly put it in his letter to GR, “What in the name of Jimmy Hill has happened to the Taf?” If painting it a musky red and a bright yellow colour and moving all the arcade games can be called a makeover that is. Hopefully the ‘makeover’ that the Taf is due to get this summer which actually amount to more than a lick of puke coloured paint and a spring clean. • The Network Q Rally was in Cardiff again and saw Richard Burns become the first Englishman to win the World Rally

Grants not fees demo in London

Championships. The rally will return to Cardiff next year and is Britain’s biggest spectator sporting event, attracting over 200,000 people into the centre of Cardiff. • Music paid tribute to George Harrison. • gair rhydd scooped another exclusive, revealing how unscrupulous electricity salesmen were conning students into changing suppliers. Representatives of London Electricity asked students for their details to ‘update their computers’ and asked them to initial it. It turned out that these were, in fact, contracts which more naive students were agreeing to. London Electricity apologised for the behaviour but denied it was a tactic aimed at students. (GR708) • Books debated Christmas. “There’s nothing big or clever about getting spectacularly drunk only once a year.” D.C. Gates vs. Dan Onions’ view that “Christmas hasn’t become a drunken celebration of bad taste: it always was.” Who won? Chicken or egg? How long is a piece of string? Or something... • Film name Moulin Rouge top film of the year. • Cardiff revels in a winter wonderland – an orgy of ice, mulled wine and fairy lights. • British students are revealed as amongst the most able in the world. Bonus.

January • Sport investigates the media frenzy around Sam Hammam and Cardiff City. It followed the pitch invasion after their 2-1 win over Leeds Utd and incidents involving throwing coins and bottles. “City are dealing with the problem which relates to the whole of football, as Les Ferdinand will testify after a bottle of Budweiser nearly struck his head at Premiership Stamford Bridge.” (GR709) • Prince Harry was caught smoking pot, the cheeky devil, inspiring many witty comments within the hallowed pages of

GR. ‘Harry Pothead and the Stoned Philosopher’, ‘Harry PotHead and the Philosopher’s Stoned’ and err... ‘A life more ordinary’. • Music had a go at predicting the trends for 2002. We may have scoffed at the time, but Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, the Hives and Electric Soft Parade are no longer small time wannabies. • Candy and Flirt nights at the Union were launched. Everyone went to see what they were like the first week and haven’t been since... • Plans for the ULT system were unveiled in News. • Music interviewed Anne Savage. She told Cardiff about her biggest influence, Carl Cox, and gave us an exclusive, revealing that she would be teaming up with Lisa Lashes to do a show on Galaxy FM. • University elections go high-tech and go on the computers or something. Which was supposed to make it easy to count or the voted. But didn’t. Whatever Sommerville says, we were here for a trentfillion hours on election night. And by Friday afternoon Dr Fox hadn’t had a shower for a whole day. And that is not something you want to witness in the enclosed space of the GR office. Trust me. • The Business School messed up when it set a final year exam that was actually a practice paper in one of the textbooks. Which they could take in and had answers in it. How thick can you get? Did they think no one would notice? Is it me or are lecturers actually the most lazy people to ever walk this planet. These are the people teaching us folks. Worth the tuition fees? Worth the time and hassle? Answers on a postcard to ‘Who gives a fuck?’ • gair rhydd launches its awesome film club. Classic films in a proper cinema setting all for the bargainous price of £2. Awesome. • The men’s hockey team thrash UWIC 5-0. We like this. UWIC suck donkeys. At everything.

February • A student is found dead at Talybont. • British Gas break into a student house and disconnect their supply, leaving the inhabitants without central heating or hot water for five days, all because of an administrative error. This really annoys me because the company only paid out £100 and I bet that’s because they were students. If it was my dad, they would have been afraid. Very afraid. And now I know that’s how I know that guy I was shouting at at the media awards. I knew I knew him. It was he who had his house broken into. Problem solved, case closed. I’m a legend. • In a tidal wave of ‘Communist. reactionism’ (as seen by Pop Scene), Will is voted Pop Idol King. • Ladies Football trounce Trinity 12-1. • Features go behind the scenes at Cosmo and discover that model photographs do get retouched. Ha! • The Welsh Assembly re-introduces grants. Great if you’re Welsh. Not so hot if you’re not. • Sports startle us all by interviewing some real sporting stars. Pete Samson met Welsh footballer Ryan Giggs before a friendly 1-1 draw with Argentina. “We’re not a pushover any more,” he claimed. – Meanwhile, Dr Fox caught up with Craig Bellamy, the Welshman playing for the Toon Army, to discuss Newcastle’s title chances and his return to form after a disappointing season at Coventry. It is a scoop which The Sun claimed was an exclusive almost five days later. Of the impending friendly with Argentina, Bellamy said, “It’s going to be tough but you never know. That’s the beauty of football.” Quite.

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Gair Rhydd Monday 10 June 2002

to remember all this we could do. Gutted.

May

Cardiff lose the Varsity match. Again

March • Cardiff lose the varsity. Again. For the sixth consecutive time, Cardiff were defeated by Swansea in a galling 21-3 match at St. Helens, despite a gutsy performance by the likes of Boydy, Jones, Clement and Staveley. Andy Boyd, team captain, said after the match, “We’ve got some good coaches in and once that settles in we’ll get to the level that Swansea play at every week.” • Features interview CharlotteAnne Fidler, the headhunted Style Director of Glamour Magazine. She advised us to “Make contacts and keep them up. While you’re doing work experience, do anything they ask you and do it with good grace. Have loads of good ideas.” • Michael Pearlman also got to do a bit of schmoozing, this time with Spurs’ Simon Davies. • News tell us we’d be better off on benefits. No surprises there then. • Features go on the streets with the homeless, and spend a day talking to Harry and his pet dog. “I realised what he had told me was an all too familiar tale of threatening dysfunctional families, children’s homes and drug abuse. “People would stare with disgust and give us looks as though we should be discarded with all the other rubbish that litters their path.” • Music chatted to The Cooper Temple Clause about the dangers of overnight success and their disillusionment with the current music scene. “A lot of our lyrics have got to do with frustration from that kind of social and musical thing. There are some personal lyrics about an expression of quite deep sorrow.” • They also got hold of The Kennedy Soundtrack, the Newport band with their intense live shows. “We get into it,” says KST rapper Nic Havard. “We love what we do, we love the music, we love the live aspect of it.” • RAG raised £4,000 for charity by ‘hilarious’ activities like putting the Sabbs in a bath full of baked beans. • Gareth Hiscocks ‘forgot’ he wasn’t a student and was pulled out of the presidential election campaign. • Both the men and the women’s waterpolo team make it to the BUSA finals. • Cardiff Netballers trounce Leeds

Met 61-27. • Sport interview Celtic striker John Hartson about his hopes for the Wales qualifying games for the European championships. Like Giggs, his optimism is sweet, if not a little misguided. • Will Young comes out. Not to the surprise of Pop Scene whose gaydar is obviously in full working order. • Ian Brown rocks the Great Hall with his “awe-inspiring stage presence” in his “erratic yet superb show, filled with his own unique brand of mime.” • Act One produce a “highly original interpretation” of Wind in the Willows, with the society added their Ky l i e w o w s t h e C I A “own brand of humour” to the enchanting tale. • Games, meanwhile, reviewed the new X-box and, unsuprisingly, kissed its ass. Losers • The AGM was held, with much furore about James Sommerville’s ‘tactics’ to ensure full attendance. Unfair? All societies get shitloads of money in order to consume high levels of intoxicating substances in Lash. Losers. • The election results are delivered – late as usual, and with the results of the most hotly contested post, that of the AU candidate, postponed for a further day.

April Springtime, a ring a ding time. Exams approaching...but we’re still getting lashed. • Travis play the CIA. And we all ask ourselves the question: just how sexy is Fran Healy? On a star rating system, I’d give him gold. Times two. • Features run the London Marathon. It’s “a mad trip” though whether that is mad in the sense of

‘brilliant!’ or ‘what the hell are you doing you crazy mother’ is debatable. – The Union gets a 2am licence. We all jump with glee at the thought of another hour of Lash. But it is apparently a secret as to which nights it actually applies to. • The bond bank, the scheme campaigned for by your favourite newspaper in the whole world, is officially launched. Don’t say we never do anything for you. • Features interview Britney. Just how cool are we? Unfortunately, intrepid film editor Jonathan Steven goes all gooey and makes everyone feel slightly nauseous. “You can truly get a sense of her outstanding beauty. The way she moves, the way she holds herself, and the way she glances around the room...” Please, she’s more plastic fantastic than a Barbie doll that has been dipped in plastic, dressed in plastic and eats plastic for dinner. Fact. • Features also interview funnyman Noel James. But he turns out to not be that funny at all. Unless you think it’s funny to prop your eyelid open with a gummi bear, and claim it as an old trick “from a tribe called confectioners.” That’s all the sports editors then. • Cardiff Uni Men’s Hockey defeat Swansea in the semi-final of the Welsh Cup competition. Which is always cool. Despite a mediocre performance we were playing a “dire Swansea outfit, who found themselves heavily outclassed.” • The men’s waterpolo team retained their BUSA title. • Features decided that most of our lecturers prefer writing books to lecturing us. Bastards. • We also discovered that the end is nigh as we could all be wiped out by a huge meteorite and there is nothing

The weather may be warmer but that’s a bastard thing when you’re inside revising for exams. Still the GR beavers were working away to entertain you in your nanoseconds of leisure time. • The IMG awards are held, honouring Jomec as the footballing champions and Momed AFC as the team of the year. UWC A, meanwhile, won the IMG netball. The night unfortunately ended in violence between rival football teams Jomec and Chemsoc. But to be honest, I didn’t really see much of that. I was too too hammered. • Another self-congratulatory awards ceremony was held in May. The Media awards saw Xpress Radio and gair rhydd patting ourselves on the back for being generally fantastic. A night of drunkeness, drink, alcohol and booze – we were all lashed. Again. • The Sabbatical by-elections were held, with Ellie ‘the future’s bright’ King, securing the post of Communications and Community Officer. • Books interview legendary writer Terry Pratchett, whose recent Discworld novel has been translated into Welsh. “It’s more translatable than lots of stuff because the humour is fairly universal.” • Arts review Two Sugars Productions performance of No Exit. “Ben Hammond is utterly convincing as the womanising Garcin. Gemma Field plays the role of Inez with a naturalistic spite and malice.” Is that naturalistic in that she’s like that in real life? Crikey. • We all get hot under the collar as Kylie comes to town. Even me. And I’m a girl. • If you believe Hibble, the university nearly went up in smoke. But according to the uni, the disposal of the dangerous chemicals was a ‘routine procedure’. Hibble clearly has too much time on his hands. • Bob Dylan graces the CIA without speaking a single word, save to introduce his band at the end. Shy? Or moody? Or minimalistically postmodern perhaps? • The Welsh Literary Festival hits Cardiff Bay with poets, accordion players, novelists, photographers etc etc. • Features got excited by the coming World Cup, but for all the wrong reasons. Namely sexy Italian players and the chance to take the piss out of footballers. How observant of Thierry Henry to note, “Sometimes in football you have to score goals.” • Cardiff University Cricket Team finished top of the BUSA Western Region and are through to the last 16 nationally. • Cardiff University Rifle Team finished in fourth place in the BUSA after beating teams like Edinburgh, Cambridge and Manchester. Month of football, exams and lazy summer evenings. I love summer. Except you have to say goodbye to all your friends at the end of this month and the last issue of gair rhydd is printed this year. Gutted.

June Features attempt to get a taste of life in the army by spending a weekend at the Royal Logistic Corps in Sandhurst. Along the way they meet the most boring man in the world and attempt to penetrate the inner echelons of the military by pretending to be from a Fleet Street rag. They couldn’t keep up the facade for long.

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Gair Rhydd Monday 10 June 2002

Sabbaticals on trial – The traditional view of the Sabbatical year is a chance to sit back, relax after your degree and get something to put on your half-empty CV. However, Tom McGarry’s Irish work ethic promised to change that view in the 2001-02 Sabbatical team, as he pledged that his team would be some of the most hard working ex-students the Union has seen. But, did all the Sabbs work their hardest this year? Did the most experienced team become experienced in slacking? It was up to the Gair Rhydd Sabbatical grilling to find out...

The luck of the Irish

by Abbie Jackson

om McGarry has enjoyed a prosperous, if turbulent, term as President of the Student’s Union. Last year’s General Secretary, Tom is no stranger to the politics of the Union and seems genuinely friendly and forthcoming. In contented yet philosophical mode Tom reflects on the events of the past year. “It has been a hard year for all eight of us, producing many challenges that we’ve met head on. We’ve done our best and I think we’ve got good results.” By his own admission, Tom recognises that while he has enjoyed his time in office, it hasn’t all been easy, “This is a 24 hour job and when it has been difficult it has impacted upon my life outside of work.” Unsurprisingly, references are made to slight differences that have occurred within the team. Yet, Tom argues that of course this is only to be expected, “You don’t have to be best mates with each other, you just need a good working relationship.” Will Tom specify those he fell out with? Unfortunately no, “I did have run-ins with a few people, but it would be unfair to name them.”

Tom had a difficult start to his Presidency, but remained resolute. A major staffing problem within the company meant that he had to become particularly involved with its resolution, while other Sabbaticals could concentrate on their particular remits. Additionally, at the start of the academic year, the Tafarn bar in the Union was losing money. Yet McGarry is proud of the way in which these problems have been rectified, and accepts the criticism that he has received. “Initially we didn’t have the resources to deal with the problem but we set about monitoring the Tafarn’s performance and now changes are going to be made.” He is also keen to stress that, as predicted at the beginning of this year, a profit has been made. Tom has also had to address more mundane issues such as maintenance of the Union, but again argues for the team’s successes in these areas. When asked whether he has fulfiled his manifesto pledges, Tom is realistic about his achievements during the year, “I think to a large degree I have accomplished what I said I would. It hasn’t turned out precisely how I wanted it to though, I think I was a bit

too optimistic.” Tom readily admits however that the job was not as he expected it would be. Always anxious to acknowledge the achievements of others, Tom enthuses, “This is without a doubt the best gang of Non-Sabbaticals. They’ve really impressed me because they haven’t slacked off towards the end of the year.” Having been elected as NUS Wales President for the coming year, Tom is keen to express his views on the problems within the NUS that are presently being hotly debated. “Regardless of my forthcoming presidency, I still stand by the fact that the £50,000 we give to NUS each year is too much. However, I still think it is important that we are a part of a larger collective so we can fight the student funding campaign.” Following his year long service with NUS Wales, Tom intends to either work in charity of return to his studies, perhaps in law. And finally, his advice to Caz, his successor? “You’ve got to have a thick skin as you’re not going to please everyone all of the time.” Clearly Tom balances his nice guy persona with a distinct air of professionalism.

Favourite Union night: Quids Inn Favourite alcoholic drink: Guinness, but lager in the Taf Should Nestle be banned in the union? Yes Who will win the World Cup? Argentina

Hodson’s had enough your whole life. Also, she shouldn’t take on too much – having a small quality paper is better that having a larger one full of crap. • Have you fulfiled all of your manifesto pledges? I’ve done a surprising amount considering I have so little time to do anything but get the paper out. The website is nearly ready to go online thanks to my friend Abinye and I have introduced a Non-Sabb page and Welsh pages. However, the society has gone by the wayside a little as I haven’t had time to co-ordinate it, and I haven’t done as much training as I’d hoped. • Have you enjoyed your year as a Sabbatical? I have enjoyed my sabbatical year, although it was a lot harder than I ever imagined. At the beginning I was working seven days a week which was depressing and draining. Gair Rhydd still has a long way to come in terms of support from the Union. However working with my editorial team has been a great laugh, and seeing the finished product every week has made it all worthwhile. • Have you got on well with the rest of the team? Most of the team have been fantastically supportive this year. James is a legend, Tom has helped me to sort out all of my problem without moaning,Caz is always there when I need a gossip and a chat and Elaye is always in my office nicking CD’s and giving me a friendly smile.

• Was being a Sabbatical as you expected? To be honest I didn’t really expect the work to be this hard and to have so little time to myself and so much demanded of me. Maybe I was a little naïve going into the job, but juggling my Sabbatical duties and editing the paper has been very difficult. • How do you see the Union being run next year? Next year I hope that the Union will wake up to the fact that Gair Rhydd is one of the most important student services the Union offers and should be nurtured rather than neglected. • Do you have any words of advice for your successor? Gemma needs to get as many people behind her as possible from the beginning and make sure that she keeps her head together and stays calm, or the job can take over

• What are you going to do now? I’m going to have a long, long rest and decide what I want to do with my life! 14. You were recently quoted in The Guardian as saying you work up to 80 hours a week. Many of your sub editors work up to 20 hours a week for no pay at all. Do you think the Union could recognise their efforts and what have you done to help the sub-editors who, after all, have degrees to do? I think the Union as a whole does not appreciate the work that Gair Rhydd contributors put into the paper, especially since there would be no paper without the efforts of the dedicated few. I hope that in the future the Union can offer some reward for Gair Rhydd contributors for their dedication and support throughout the year, maybe in the form of free tickets to Union nights.

• Past GR editors have campaigned, often successfully, for different student things such as the bond bank. Why was there no campaign this year? Do you feel the paper lacked drive because of it? To be truthful there wasn’t really anything specific that we could mount a campaign for this year. Last years bond bank campaign wasn’t launched by Gair Rhydd– we covered the story and won an award for our coverage. However, I think that the paper has lacked drive because of not having anything specific to aim for, and maybe this is something that Gemma could think about next year. • GR is often described as a clique. Why do you think this is and what could next year’s editor do to make it a more accessible society? I think that Gair Rhydd is perceived as a clique because the people who work for us are very dedicated and as the workload is hard only a few people are willing to give up the time to take part. Also, many of our contributors at the beginning of the year are first years who give up after September as they’re too busy getting pissed! However, we are always keen for new people to join, and maybe some more recruitment fairs would have helped, but I just ran out of time to have a big drive for contributors. For anyone who wants to get involved just come up to the office and have a word with us – we don’t bite!

• What will be the role of the Non Sabb assistant editor? Is it a post to allow the editor more drinking time? The assistant editor will be charged with organising socials, recruitment fairs and the Gair Rhydd society, which will hopefully give more people the opportunity to get involved. They will basically be there to help the editor with everything they haven’t got time to do, rather than taking away any work form the editor. • Do you feel that the union and/or university has too much say over the content/gagging of the paper? I increasingly think that the only way that a student newspaper can work is if it is independent form the University, because there is pressure to show the Union and the University in a positive light. Sometimes I have to think carefully about the way in which we report issues for fear of upsetting people, which is not what student newspapers should be about. We should be questioning rather than protecting those in charge to make sure they’re doing their jobs properly. • You have come under fire this year from SUC and some of the other Sabbs. What would you

like to say to them? I don’t think anyone in SUC realises how hard the editor and contributors work to get the paper out. I was doing 80 hour weeks at the beginning of the year, putting out papers to the best of my ability, and was going straight into SUC to get abused about swearing in the TV pages. It was demoralising and very upsetting, because when you work so hard it’s difficult to detach yourself from your job and brush off the criticism. I think next year SUC should focus on the positive things that Gair Rhydd does, such as highlighting Welsh and minority issues, rather than the minutiae. • The year started off with over 100 contributors. We now have less than 20. What could you have done to maintain interest in writing for the paper and what do you recommend Gemma’s team do next year? I meant to have recruitment drives to get more people involved, but again I didn’t find the time. I rely on people who are interested in working for Gair Rhydd in coming up to the office, when really we should be getting out to lectures and Halls to tell people about what we do. Hopefully, the Deputy Editor will be able to help the Editor with recruitment next year.

Favourite Union night: 80s nite Favourite alcoholic drink: Malibu, of course Should Nestle be banned in the union? No Who will win the World Cup? Spain

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Gair Rhydd Monday 10 June 2002

the gair rhydd grilling Has Molokwu used your money wisely?

End of the line for Hibble by Abbie Jackson

by LaDonna Hall

s Finance and Services Officer, Alex Molokwu has come under criticism from some quarters for not achieving all that he should have during his time in the position. However, he believes his year has gone “very well actually” but does admit “there have been times when I’ve been quite down”. When asked if he had got on well with everyone in the team he refused to comment at first, but then relented to say that “everyone was cool” and that he hadn’t found it difficult to work with anyone. Alex acknowledged that being a Sabbatical officer was not what he expected and that it had been more tense, stressful and depressing than he’d anticipated. In a pensive moment he reflected on his belief that “there’s a lot of history in this building” that has helped and also prevented much that he’s wanted to do this year. Nonetheless, he has good faith in the incoming team and foresees the union being run “very, very actively”. He advises the new Sabbatical officers to be flexible as the Union can be demanding and recommends openness and the willingness to listen to other people. When asked whether he’s fulfilled all of his manifesto

promises Alex was keen to maintain that “I’ve achieved all that I could have achieved and the things we couldn’t achieve would have been counter productive for the team”. H e explained that the reason the promised student housing agency failed to materialise was due to the fact that it would have run contrary to the work the Student Advice Centre carry out in giving advice about landlords. Only one lucky person seems to have taken advantage of the student entrepreneur centre he also promised, but Alex was “quite chuffed” that he was able to help this budding businessman get his idea off the ground. Interestingly, he maintains that many people have congratulated him on the line up for the ball, despite many students being disappointed over the last minute cancellations and the seemingly lacklustre nature of the entertainment planned. He reckons “this will be the best ball ever” and is genuinely positive about what the night will offer. Alex now plans to work in London as a financial adviser. He has enjoyed his time as a Sabbatical officer and feels he has learned much from the experience. He would, however, like to see the Union more focused on student welfare and, in his own words, “go back to its roots”.

Favourite Union night: Lashtastic Favourite alcoholic drink: Baileys Should Nestle be banned in the Union? No Who will win the World Cup? Nigeria

aving completed two successful years as part of the Sabbatical team, Academic Affairs officer Ian Hibble is a familiar and wellliked face around the Union building. But what does he have to say about the past year? Overall, Ian reflects positively, enthusing, “I think the year has gone very well, I’ve really enjoyed working with a team of such committed officers. I think the work that I’ve done has been very good.” However, Ian readily admits that at times things haven’t been easy, saying “It’s sometimes hard handing over the work that I did last year.” Ever the diplomat, Ian is not specific when questioned about his relationship with the rest of the team, “We’ve had internal squabbles but that goes with every team.” Yet one can’t help suspecting that there may be more beneath the surface. “In some respects I don’t think that some of the work I did last year has been acted on and fulfilled which was a small problem.” Having spent his first year as an Executive in the position of Equal Opportunities officer, Ian believes he started the year on a good footing. “I knew what to expect and I don’t regret coming back at all. I didn’t return just to avoid getting

a ‘proper’ job.” Nevertheless, Ian still acknowledges the fact that this year’s position has been entirely different to that of last year. Like many of his colleagues, Ian is enthusiastic about the possibilities for next year’s Sabbatical team, “I hope that they can carry on the work that we have done especially on the campaigns side.” Many new schemes are being implemented, including the redevelopment of the Tafarn, all of which Ian appears to be enthusiastic about. Ian does however, express some slight concerns. “The success of the Student’s Union does depend on student trends and whether we can adapt to these trends.” But what advice does Ian have for his successor Minelle Gholami? “Minelle will have to be diplomatic. You’ve got to be able to stand up to the university.” Ian is confident that he has accomplished what he set out to do in his election manifesto, “I feel I’ve fulfilled my pledges and my job description to the best of my ability.” Even at the grand age of 24 Ian still feels he is in touch with Cardiff students, jokingly referring to his many nights spent in Solus, “I think I spend more time there than some of the officers, possibly to the detriment of the next morning!”

On to issues of the moment and Ian comments that while the year has witnessed the introduction of grants in Wales, it is only, “a drop in the ocean. However I am very hopeful that we will see the abolition of tuition fees.” Meanwhile Ian continues to maintain his stance on the NUS, “I don’t think Cardiff students are getting value for money from

the NUS.” And finally, any allegations concerning his occasional lack of punctuality are shunned, “I do the hours that I need to do to do this job and I think I do the job effectively.” For now, Ian hopes to return to his student days having applied for an MSc in Housing at Cardiff’s department of City and Regional Planning.

Favourite Union night: 80s nite Favourite alcoholic drink: Lager and vodka and coke Should Nestle be banned in the union? No Who will win the World Cup? Italy or Brazil

Rohan’s year of opportunity get her down, or to let the more upsetting casework which will inevitably come through her door get to her. • If you had your chance again would you still run for election? Yes, without a doubt. The variety of experiences I have had and the number of different people I have met in just a year is more than I could have hoped for. • What are you going to do now? I am currently looking for jobs in recruitment consultancy, which is quite different to my role at the moment, but should be a nice change.

• Have you enjoyed your year as a Sabbatical? I would certainly say that I have enjoyed this year, though there have been a considerable number of ups and downs, with various disheartening things, such as the loss to the Union of several key members of staff. • Have the Sabbs worked well as a team? I think that we have worked very well together as a team, and I don’t think it has been the case that anyone has ever been afraid to express their opinions, which is such a fundamentally important part of the job. I don’t feel that the problems of ‘godcomplexes’ apparent in previous Sabb. teams have been apparent in as many officers this year, which can only be a good thing. What advice would you give to your successor? The best advice I can give Emma Bebbington is not to let the less pleasant parts of her job

• Has the campaigning from yourself and the Non-Sabbs been as visible as you would have liked this year? The Non-Sabbs have been absolutely brilliant and very dedicated this year, and I am extremely grateful to them for only causing me headaches by making me think too hard about concepts about liberation causes and equal opportunities. I am very pleased with my own campaigns. My housing information day was very well attended by students, and my “One World, One Week” had lots of student involvement both in terms of attendance and organising. It would have been nice to have had more support from the Sabbatical team for it, but most of them were, unfortunately very busy with other things at the time. The Non-Sabbs more than made up for that in their support both through attendance and organising. Simon Bradshaw, Prabhu Ramkumar, Minelle Gholami and Alex Molokwu were especially helpful to me. • Do you think your involvement with SVUC has detracted from your remit as Equal Opps officer? Last year SVUC were part of the Equal Opportunities’ officer’s remit, and I find it hard to see how a project bringing students into contact with victims of racial persecution could be anything but part of an Equal Opp.s

officer’s remit • Was it difficult to have the last Equal Opps officer working beside you? Did Ian get in the way? Far form getting in the way, Ian has been able to provide me with a great deal of advice as to how to advise students and deal with the University over issues of Equal Opportunities. I think we’ve worked pretty well together, to be honest. • Did you set up satellite clinics as promised in your manifesto? When I got into office I realised that satellite clinics had been piloted the previous year and been unsuccessful. The spirit of satellite clinics was that students would have the services and provisions of the Union brought to them. To be pragmatic I decided to give presentations in lectures instead of the satellite clinics, as I still get my captive audience, and can use the same message. • What would you say to people who see Equal Opps officer as a doss for a year? People who see the job of being responsible for the welfare of students at University, and maintaining an atmosphere of equal opportunities as being a ‘doss year’ are, I can only imagine, the lucky ones who never find themselves to be the victims of prejudice, whether intentional or not, never find themselves offended by ignorant and narrow minded nonsense which occasionally slips out from the Union’s communication tools, and never have the type of severe welfare problems less fortunate students face.

Favourite Union night: Lashtastic Favourite alcoholic drink: Gin and Tonic Should Nestle be banned in the union? No Who will win the World Cup? Argentina

16 • Focus

Gair Rhydd Monday 10 June 2002

General-ly a great year for Sommerville • How do you think this year has gone? Good – we as a Union didn’t manage to do everything that we’d hoped but we gave it a damn good try, especially with some of the problems we’ve had. • Have you enjoyed your year as a Sabbatical? Hell yes – lots of responsibility, being my own boss, and all the sea-monkeys I could eat. • Have you got on well with the rest of the team, and if not, who have you found it the most difficult to work with? Has everyone worked well as a team? As a whole, it’s been quite amicable. I’m especially good friends with Sarah, Caz and Tom, and Ian is one in a million. The person I thought it would be most difficult to work with was Elaye because we’re completely different but he’s a decent guy underneath all that gangsta style. • Was being a Sabbatical as you expected? Yes, although it’s amazing just how much you can get sucked into it. I didn’t expect so much deference from people – I forget that I’m a director of a company and not just some old graduate. • Has the year been hard? Yes – but fair. 95% of the time I’m working loads because I want to. The other 5% is writing up minutes and answering questions for Gair Rhydd, but you can’t have everything. • How do you see the Union being run next year?

Caz must have an iron fist and smote down all who stand in her way. Apart from that, the Sabbaticals need to be more aware of what staff do right from the start, and there needs to be better communication between everyone – students, officers, managers, staff. But apart from that, I hope it’ll run like this year. • Are you optimistic about the financial situation of the Union? Yes – we haven’t achieved all our targets this year but we got 90% of the way. All it needs is a little bit of renovation, and a bit more diversity in moderation, like dance and comedy nights in the Seren Las, for everything to work out next year. • Do you have any words of advice for you successor? Don’t try to do everything, don’t worry about making mistakes, and don’t let a few pedants get in your way. • If you had your chance again, would you still run for election? Without a doubt – it was the best decision I ever made. • Have you fulfiled all of your manifesto pledges? All but one or two – so that’s about 80%. I was hoping to get societies to work more closely together but it hasn’t worked out. The elections didn’t have a higher turnout this year than last But I managed a quorate AGM, a societies handbook, a Union questionnaire and managed to do my basic job as well, which was

pretty tough.

worth it.

• What are you going to do now? I’ve got a month off to see my family and then I’m off to be a manager at Marks and Spencer.

• What is the future of the minibuses as they are all getting a bit old and clapped out now? Yes, some of them are. The bottom line is that half our fleet, the nice ones, are on a long term lease and that expires this autumn, so they will likely be replaced. The others though, are owned by the Union so we’re going to keep on running them as long as it’s viable to do so – they may be battered old things but they’re safe and robust.

• You’ve done practically all of your manifesto points. Do you ever have any time off? Occasionally! No, I love it, so I’m happy to do any hours that are required. • The AGM – are you pleased with the way it worked out? Mostly – it was the best we could do with limited resources and time – it was all a little off the cuff. • Do you stand by the way you got people in? Absolutely – the majority of people who came from clubs and societies because they had to seemed to be fine about it. • How did you deal with all the criticism? Well, to begin with, about an hour of being shouted at. After that, individual correspondence and a forum on student democracy. Any questions, problems or comments please still get in touch. • The voting system had a few hitches – do you stand by bringing it in? Yes, because we had to accommodate the Single Transferable Voting (STV) System. It’s true we had glitches, and apologies those who were affected, but the last election went flawlessly so I think it was

• You’re one of the most accessible Sabbatical officers – does it get trying having to answer questions all the time instead of working? When you’ve got a report to write and people are knocking at the door it’s a bit of a worry but mostly its good to see people – I’d hate to be cooped up on my own all day. The problem is I have a terrible memory so I completely forget who people are! • Do you think that Laura Welsh will do a good job? Indeed she will – she’s been a society President and a member of the Executive so she’ll be straight into the job. She’s also extremely hard working and a very lovely person so no worries there. • Do you often feel that you are ‘carrying’ any other members of the team? Only in my dreams, when I carry Sarah over the threshold of our mansion home.

• Have you enjoyed your year as a Sabbatical? Yes very much so, I have achieved a lot and my clubs have done very well and I haven’t overspent my budget.

• What made you want to run for President? I found this year so rewarding, and felt that I could offer the Union even more through the role of President. • How do you see the Union being run next year? Hopefully with the same drive and enthusiasm that has been so evident amongst staff and Sabbaticals during the past year. • Are you optimistic about the financial situation of the Union? Of course, I don’t see this as any real problem, any financial obstacles that we encounter next year will be a great challenge for the Sabbatical team. • Do you have any words of advice for you successor? Work hard, play hard and enjoy the year ahead.It’s the best job ever! • Have you fulfiled all of your manifesto pledges? No! • Are you worried about having to lead such an inexperienced team? No, they are all very capable individuals who I think will make an excellent team for the year ahead.

Did you really like going to SUC? No, no really. I think Council is worthwhile, but I have to prepare the minutes, reports and motions pack for the Councillors, and take the minutes, so I’m always getting things wrong. It’s probably the most stressful part of my week.

Favourite Union night: The Factory of Fun Favourite alcoholic drink: Orange Reef Should Nestle be banned in the union? No Who will win the World Cup? Italy

by Ladonna Hall

• How do you think this year has gone? Very well and from previous years experience, I am pleased we are all still talking to each other.

• Was being a sabbatical as you expected? No way, it has been a lot harder than I imagined. Seeing friends in these roles in years gone by they made it look very easy. The stress and frustrations at times proves difficult to handle but you work through it.

for money – our membership comes with what we pay to NUS, and the discounts they offer us on drinks is enormous. So you can’t really separate the two, unfortunately.

End of an era for Clark

Carrying on making Noyes • Have you got on well with the rest of the team? We are all individuals with our own areas to represent and at times we have had a few areas for heated debate.But I think that is a healthy side to our team work.

• Are NUS giving us value for money? No, I don’t think so. If you look beyond the card, as an organisation they’re very much geared up for minor political factions and training and support for student officers – certainly a minority of students. While individuals in the movement do a lot, especially in terms of liberation campaigns, I think that Cardiff is big enough to stand on its own two feet and decide its own fate. The problem is that NUSSL (NUS Services Limited) ARE value

• Are you going to look at disaffiliating from NUS this year? It’s something that we’ll be discussing. • Coffee #1’s presence in the Union has been appaling. What are you planning to do about hot food in the Union? I will be looking into recreating a ‘buffers’ style eaterie with hot food. Any suggestions on this issue would be very welcome. • Have you managed to gain extra money for sports clubs? Have you found it difficult to make your case heard within the Union? I am lucky to have had an excellent President to work under this year, and despite the AU budget being as tight as ever I think the clubs have all done quite well with their budgets. • Do you think you’ll find it easy to leave Polly to get on with her job? Yes, I have no doubt she’ll do a great job, and I also have a job of my own to get on with! • Elaye has found that his enthusiasm for the Union has waned during his second year as a Sabbatical. Do you think that this will happen to you? No, it’s a personal thing for him, not something that goes across the board.I know for me it is a new job and something I feel passionately about.

Favourite Union night: Jive Hive Favourite alcoholic drink: Gin and Tonic Should Nestle be banned in the Union? Don’t Care Who will win the World Cup? Italy

As Communications and Community Officer, Elaye Clarke has nearly completed his second year in a role that has proved demanding and diverse. Although he feels the year has gone well he admits that he’s found it difficult to muster as much enthusiasm for the job as he would have liked. He seems to have found this year distinctly lacking in excitement as many of the challenges he’s had to face have been disappointingly familiar. He sees his role this year as more of a continuation of things he’s tried to achieve and definitely doesn’t regret coming back. Recognising that in a Sabbatical team there will always be disagreements, he maintains they were usually confined to meetings and that people have “always been able to go for a sip of coke in the Taf afterwards”. Drawing on a wealth of sage-like wisdom, Elaye predicts an interesting time next year for the new team. Although they are a comparatively inexperienced bunch he sees a “very strong guiding hand” in Caz and looks forward to seeing what this bright group of young people will do. He believes the Union needs some fresh ideas. Elaye is optimistic about the financial state of the Union next year but believes that money should be spent on what students need. When asked for some advice for his successor he suggests to Ellie that she “blame everything on me!” Other gems include “be yourself, don’t lose sight of why you’re there and who you are, listen to people, hold on to your beliefs, be open and be ready to help”. He is sure that there is much more to the role than she’ll expect. As for the fulfilment of his manifesto promises Elaye admits to being more canny about knowing what he could achieve this time around. As a result he reckons he’s done everything he set out to do bar one; he wanted to create a media suite so that Gair Rhydd and Xpress could shmooze together but due to financial constraints this hasn’t been possible. However, he believes the 2 am license the Union now enjoys thanks the team’s hard work will add an extra vibe to the building. He anticipates a staggering effect which will

mean students don’t all pile out of the Union once, ensuring good relations with the community are preserved. The future for Elaye is as yet unclear. Either a job or a Masters beckons but at the ripe old age of 24 he reckons it’s time to move on at last.

Favourite Union night: Candy Favourite alcoholic drink: Coke Should Nestle be banned in the union? No opinion Who will win the World Cup? Italy or Argentina

Gair Rhydd Monday 10 June 2002

gairrhydd 2001-2002

Was brought to you by... Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Michael Parsons News James Bladon and Lydia Kirby Sport Chris Wathan Focus Charlotte Spratt, Abbi Shaw and Daniel Barnes Books David Gates Arts LaDonna Hall and Lizzie Brown Music Gemma Curtis, Andy Parsons, Gemma Jones and Nick McDonald Film Neil Blain Games Chris Faires Get There Neil Krajewski Television Steve Hurst Alex Mcpherson, Nick McDonald and some tramp Letters Matt George Contributors Abbie Jackson, Jamie Fullerton, Andy Graham, Katie Brunt, Dave Gibson, Sam Brokenshaw, Kathryn Archer, Pauline Cheung, Maria Thomas, Mat Croft, Kate Price, Andrew Davidson and David Williams. I’ll use this little space to say a huge thank-you to everyone who has made gair rhydd the success it has been this year. It’s heartening to see that even though students have far more hassle to contend with that people still get involved and make a difference while at University. It’s been great working with everyone this year, especially my fantastic editorial team, without whom I would have been screwed every week. If anyone fancies getting involved next year, watch out for the welcome party in September. I hope next will be as much fun as this year. Good luck Gems!

Contact us Address Gair Rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434/436 Advertising – (029) 20781416 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Focus • 17

Spectacular! Spectacular!

In the last issue of the academic year, Page Editor, Daniel Barnes and Minister for Pop and Culture, Abbi Shaw bring you a round-up of the best people and the best celebrity news of the year, with an an optimistic glance towards the summer ahead

people of Golden balls Top ten the year Abbi Shaw speaks about pop and football, claiming they are the most important things in the world

realise that this is going to be hard, but seeing as this is the end of the year, I understand some kind of roundup is involved. Thus, I would like to introduce you to a comparison of the two highlights of this year which, luckily enough, took place in the same week, and, furthermore, were relevant to the swathes of columns I’ve murdered this year. Without further ado, exactly how the Queen’s Jubilee Pop Concert and the World Cup are the same, and manage to be great, even though at times, they’ve disappointed (a sentiment that sums up my year, most philosophically). They both began in the best possible way – the Queen had Brian May playing the National Anthem on the roof of Buckingham Palace, and the World Cup kicked off with France being beaten by Senegal. (Senegal! Never been in a World Cup before! France – won it last time…) Brian May is indubitably the King of Rock, and anyone that knocks France down a few pegs is welcome to claim the title of Kings of Football, if only for the day. Also, both involved the most attractive people in their respective fields (Beckham, Freddie Ljungberg, and then Will Young (for Page Editor), and all of S Club 7 (except Tina)). If only Kylie had been at the Palace, everything would have been complete. Both gave us something to fear as well

– the Jubilee concert saw fit to include the hideously frightening Ozzy Osbourne (all the more frightening as he’s apparently “a nice man, really” – Nice? With that hair?) and Danny Mills’ bad temper – or in the case of Sweden’s game, his stupid mistakes. But fear is, I’m sure, a healthy concept, and I’m enjoying my shooting adrenaline levels during the football. The best thing about these events though, is that they give us a chance to be allowed to be British, or in the case of the World Cup, even English (something which is mostly illegal these days). Hopefully, our multi-ethnic football team and our variety of genres of musical genius as displayed in both these events will silence the ridiculously politically correct journalists that plague our media and fail to notice that we love Sol Campbell as much as Paul Scholes, and Bradley S Club as much as Paul S Club (take a moment to be sad that we shall never see Paul prance and caper in brightly coloured clothes again, for, at the Jubilee, he completed his move to the Dark Side in his last performance with the group). My point is this. This summer encompasses the two greatest things this nation has, in its entirety, to offer – music, and football. What better reason could we have to go out and enjoy ourselves? Maybe things aren’t so bad after all… as long as France don’t win... or Argentina…

s regular readers of the page may or may not have noticed, over the duration of the year, PopScene and Page Editor have spent a lot of time championing their favourite people. In this very modern, end-of-term page, it is then only fitting to announce the Best People of this Academic Year 20012002. (Where ties are shown between people, it’s where Page Editor and PopScene couldn’t agree on who was best) 1. Freddie Ljungberg Newcomer but certainly flavour of the moment due to good leg, great hair, and tendency to get slightly naked after matches. Extremely sexy. And he’s pretty good at football, too… 1. = Ronan Keating [Page Ed] “It’s like maths. Maths is maths because it is. Ronan is great because Ronan is. Greatness is part of the definition of Ronan.” If you say so… 3. Britney Spears Despite insistences from the office that she is probably not great and, seeing as Charlotte has just written that she is “plastic fantastic”, I would like to defend the fact that Britney is the most exciting, amusing, wholesome, beautiful, wondrous ray of light to shine on the world since Buffy the Vampire Slayer began all those years ago. 4. Will Young “He’s much nicer than Gareth, because you know Gareth is evil because he has evil eyes and Will has good hair and a good hat for when he hasn’t got good hair and grandmothers like him and he’s just really nice really and I love him.” [Page Ed] 4. = David Beckham This man seems unable to do anything wrong. And my mum likes him. He’s also captain of the England team and has the good grace to spend his money on fun parties we less rich people can enjoy on ITV. And I’m sure that even his metatarsal bone is sexy, as page consensus states that everything else about him is…

Gair Rhydd Office Bingo

We have produced for you this very special bingo chart of amusing catchphrases that you are more than likely to hear if you hang around the office next year. So eyes down for a full house, the prize is tea on the terrace with the Editor.

Oh my days...

If Gemma mentions beardy men and/or the Doves

Awesome scenes!

Oh no, you’re joking...

Turn the computers off for 15 minutes

Gutted!

6. Kylie Minogue Seeing as Jamie, my infamous lifesize-Kylie-cut-out owning housemate, can’t be here to cast his vote, I’ve done it for him. Kylie makes a lot of people very happy by wearing very small clothes and has released good songs for prancing about to in Lash.

7. Fran Healy The nice Travis boy was on good form for the whole year and might well be the only person to look so sexy with that much beard. Nice boy, nice hat, good beard, lovely music. What more could you want? 8. Tara P-T Her wonderful website, www.tarapt.com, has kept us amused all year, so it seems only fair to acknowledge the wise and beautiful It Girl, who is so dedicated to ensuring we are all as fashionable and popular as her that she regularly updates her diaries, advice columns and pictures on the aforementioned page. 9. Ludwig Wittgenstein “Wittgenstein is great because he had good hair and shouted at a lot of people and people stop arguing with me if I quote Wittgenstein.” [Page Ed] 10. HRH The Queen Her Majesty displayed to the nation of unbelievers just how great she is by organising a fantastic party for everyone to watch and be excited about. She always has good hats as well, which I think make her look nothing like a sheep. Stylish and quite old, she is still much less boring than Page Editor would have you all believe and no Daniel, she is not made of electronics and wire. She might not be very sexy though, but that’s not her fault at her age…

email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 10th June 2002/ Sport Page19 More action from Pontypridd where UWC Cricket marched towards the BUSA semi’s

French Faulter at first stage David Williams reports

TOP LEFT: Jauda is dismissed MIDDLE: Joiner survives a elbow shout TOP RIGHT: Parkin steams in MAIN PIC: Mehra faces the Glam attack

PICS: DICKIE FOX

“It’s all about the taking part...” Rubbish. It’s about winning the GRSport Awards as we look at the winners & losers of 2001-02*

*Judge’s Decision is crap & final

Cardiff University BUSA Team of the Year

1. Waterpolo – Another perfect year. 2. Men’s Cricket – Second Lords final on the way? 3. Netball – Made UWIC look silly. Which is nice.

IMG Team of the Year

1. Jomec FC – Whisper it quietly, but the new Carbs A anyone? 2. UWC A – Unbeaten...again. 3. Momed AFC – Proves you can turn water into wine. Well OK, Spar value cider then.

Cardiff University Sportsperson of the Year

1. Natalie Lewis – Athletics 2. Michaela Erskine & Lucy Thomas – Rowing 3. James Tomlinson – Cricket

Footballer of the Year

1. Ruud Van Nistelrooy – Hands up who thought that injury would finish him... 2. Papa Bouba Diop – A reminder why we all love the game. 3. Robert Earnshaw – Not the

prettiest of lads but we all would have kissed him after that goal.

ponytail a la Only Fools & Horses.

The “Do Me a Favour” Award

Rugby Player of the Year

1. Pele – Patronising World Cup predictions 2. Geoff Hurst – Face it, Greavsie was always better than you. 3. Ferrari & Michael Schumacher – “I may have finished first but Rubens won”. Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up.

Cricketer of the Year

The Tom McGarry award for being a legend

1. Brian O’Driscoll – Waltzing O’Driscoll, Waltzing O’Driscoll... 2. Fabian Galthie – The scourge of the English rugby fan, the hero of the Welsh, Scots, Irish, French... 3. James Storey (Neath RFC) – This boy is good. Trust us. 1. Mathew Hayden (Australia) – Made big step up seem tiny. 2. Harbhajan Singh (India) – Turbanated England in India. 3. Simon Jones (Glamorgan & England) – Matter of time before the world knows what Wales know; this lad’s got it.

Andy Boyd and his Varsity squad.

Carlos Valderama award for advancements in World Cup haircuts

1. Taribo West – What, are they horns or something? 2. David Beckham – Bringing whole new meaning to the word twat. 3. David Seaman – Snap-on

VARSITY: legends

Anything less than a win for France in their final group match against Denmark will mean elimination for the world champions and despair for their supporters. The sudden dip in form couldn’t have come at a worse time for a side that had seemed invincible. Since winning the trophy in 1998 France had been almost unstoppable as they climbed to the number one position in the world. Their status as the world’s best was cemented two years ago as they beat Italy in Euro 2000 with Zinedine Zidane and Thierry Henry at the core of their success. However, with Zidane absent from their defeat to Senegal and their draw to Uruguay respectively, France now look like being only the second defending champions, since Brazil in 1966, to be knocked out at the first round stage. The damage was done by first time qualifiers Senegal in the opening match of the tournament where a combination of pride and passion from the Africans and a lack of creation by the French resulted in a 1-0 defeat. The match was reminiscent of Cameroon’s single goal victory over then champions Argentina in 1990. Argentina did reach the final that year so history is on France’s side. France, though, won’t be able to rely on history if they are going to progress although Senegal will hope to repeat the feats of Cameroon twelve years ago. Following their goalless draw to Uruguay, France go into the encounter with the Danes needing a win of no less than two goals. This will be made even tougher after leading striker Thierry Henry was sent-off in a hottempered match.

Do I not like that... Something on your chest? Riled by our report? email grsport@hotmail.com

A Swans fan Letter of the Week speaks out Dear Gair Rhydd, How shit is ITV? It’s bad enough they’ve crucified MoTD, now they’re attempting to ruin my World Cup. Unfortunately, I’ve already started summer work and (sin above sins) am missing the games so I rely on one of the highlight programmes to fufil my four year itch. Last week ITV not only spoil the Ireland match by showing half of the action in a poor imitation of a BBC musical montage, they then tell me twice that USA beat Portugal and show two of their goals before the fucking match. Joke. Robson are Gazza are legends though. James Goldhawk, Business Admin.

ITV: Why do you hurt us so?

GR Sport: In true TV Desk style...Tel, Earle, Gazza, McMoist, Robson, Venison, Townsend, Jimmy Floyd, Big Ron. Great, loser, legend but shit, pisspants, dead, shit player, improving, loser and fuck off.

Dear GR Sport, I’m writing in to agree with the news story about the Cardiff-Swansea match (GR722). I too was at the match and found the policing laughable. It was all fine until the final whistle when a solitary copper couldn’t resist his primate urges to lash out. Instead of controlling the so-called hooligans, the heavy handed tactics of one individual compromised the safety of hundreds of innocent supporters. The fact is, the majority of the hard-core hooligans wouldn’t have even bothered to turn up knowing the strict policing of the fixture which includes searching and a

police escort from the Vetch. Perhaps they were still caught up by the hype of the BBC documentary the previous night. And to maintain it was the fault of Swans fans is a disgrace. We were treated like caged animals, goaded from the roadside, subjected to piss-take songs (Money’s too tight to mention, Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves) by the compere, and witness to wannabe Soul Crew boys getting away with missile throwing without being ejected. And all this because we wanted to watch our side play a Cup Final. Pride of Wales my ass. Chris Clement, Swansea ‘til I die (therefore automatically a hooligan) GR Sport: Nuff said. can’t imagine Ar****l or Chelscum fans enduring the same treatment. But then again, money talks.

The views expressed in these letters are not necessarily those of the newspaper or the editor

Even if Henry was available, the chances of France scoring the two they need to go through to the second round doesn’t look promising. Following their search for goal scorers after the last World Cup, they had seemed to have solved the problem with the likes of Trezeguet, Cisse and Wiltord. But with no goals scored in the first two matches, the drought looks to have returned. For the other World Cup contenders goal scoring doesn’t seem to be a problem with Ronaldo, Batistuta, Klose, Vieri and Denmark’s ex-Newcastle forward Jon Dahl Tomasson all finding the net early on. And, if Tomasson continues in his rich vein of form it will be France who will face humiliation after being tipped by many to defend their title. It could be that their only hope will lie at the feet of Zidane, who if fit, will give the whole of France a boost ahead of their most important game in the last few years.

HENRY: Lost his va-va-voom?

The Summer In Sport World Cup. May 31st- June 30th, Japan and South Korea NBA Basketball finals. June 2 -19th, From the US The Derby, Jun 8 at Epsom, BBC. Third Test, Old Trafford, 13-17th June, Channel 4 US Open Golf, June 13th - 16th, at Farmingdale. Benson & Hedges Trophy Final, 22nd June, at Lords Wimbledon Tennis, June 24th- July 7th, BBC World Pool Championships, through July, Cardiff International Arena, Sky England V India, 1st Test Jul 25, 2nd Test Aug 8, 3rd Test Aug 22 England, Sri Lanka & India One Day Series. Jul 2nd - 13th. Golf, Welsh Open, Aug 8 - 11 at Celtic Manor. Premiership Kick-Off, Aug 10, Sky Sports & ITV Tennis, US Open, Aug 26 - Sep 8 at Flushing Toilet, Sky Sports

“The sudden dip in form couldn’t have come at a worst time for a side that had seemed invincible” France in Focus, p19

Korea-Japan 2002 The best tournament in the world ... probably

The Annual GR Sport Awards The judge’s decision is final, crap as it may be

gair rhydd

Sport email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 10th June 2002 / Free Word 725

Cardiff march on to semis

HOWZAT: Morgan Parkin fails to impress the umpire with this shout but the Cardiff seamer did pick up three wickets in his side’s victory over Glamorgan at Pontypridd

Dickie Fox reporting

BUSA Championship 1/4 Finals Cardiff beat Glamorgan by five wkts

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY booked their place in the BUSA semifinals with a respectable victory over Glamorgan University at Pontypridd. It now mean’s that the team are just one win away from reaching their second final of the year, after previously appearing in the indoor finals at Lords this past February. Having already beaten Glamorgan in the group stages, expectancy for a repeat performance was high. But a strong Glamorgan side made sure it was no walk in the Ynysangharad Park sunshine for Cardiff. And after a shaky start, it took a captain’s innings from Simon Joiner to ensure Cardiff’s name went in to the hat for the last four. Said the skipper, “We knew it would be a tough match, especially as we’d faced each other before, so it makes the result all the more pleasing. “We can just concentrate on the next game now. Whoever it is, it is going to be difficult but we can be confident. We’ve a good squad and our performance

today proved that.” Having won the toss, Glamorgan elected to bat on a pitch that appeared to have runs written all over it, and the decision seemed to pay off as they soon reached 50 without loss, with Glamorgan CCC

“We’ve got a good squad & our performance today proved that” representative Alex French looking particularly dangerous. But Morgan Parkin – who has been arguably the pick of the seamers this season – produced the breakthrough in his last over, trapping opener Mickey Pearce LBW for a monotonous 17. Cardiff’s introduction of Ian Jack into the attack proved initially expensive but the fresher’s second over produced a ball that caught the outside edge of French’s bat to dismiss him for 44. The sprightly seamer was to go on to collect two more Glamorgan wickets as Cardiff maintained momentum.

Spin twins Tanj Sud and James Breesely kept the run rate down and a steady fall of wickets came with Parkin and Jauda back in to wrap up the tail. Looking to tie up the match before the Valley heavens opened, Cardiff’s innings got off to a stuttering start with Shepherd falling for a duck, closely followed back to the pavilion by the usually dependable Lambe. Jauda and Mehra’s impressive 50 run third wicket partnership ensured that the scoreboard eventually ticked over, both producing some blistering shots that invariably found the boundary. But the pair floundered together, leaving veterans Joiner and George McCullough to steady the Cardiff ship. And they did just that. Joiner continuously infuriated both the Glamorgan attack and the spectators alike, refusing to budge from his crease for a total of twelve overs. Yet despite his lack of runs, Joiner proved a perfect foil for the elaborate McCullough; the captain allowing the UCCE Academy player to find his eye and then the boundary in a reliable knock of 33. Joiner was dismissed for a granite-like 16 but only after the runs and the rain had practically confirmed Cardiff’s progress.

PICS: Chris Wathan

KEEPS: But Mac shone with the bat

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