gair rhydd - Issue 727

Travelling boots

Sport go on tour with Wales’ football heroes in Finland Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

Inside GRiP: A fully comprehensive guide to what’s on

gairrhydd

Fresh out of halls Monday 30th September/Free Word 727

Mark Cobley reports

NEW STUDENTS at Cardiff this year have been left upset and angry at an administrative error that has left them without places in Halls.

The mistake - affecting approximately 480 students has led to many having to move into privately rented, ‘University-managed’ accommodation.

Some freshers have been placed in large houses on their own, while others were sent to houses long distances away from the University in Cathays and Roath.

Others even had to pay £15 per night for hotel accommodation while the residences and catering division tried to arrange something for them. The added distress has led many to drop out of University just

days after arriving.

The Union’s Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer, Emma Bebington, has been snowed under with upset and worried freshers with nowhere to live.

She said, “Residences and Catering have made allowance for an extra 480 places on top of the usual intake this year, but the true number of surplus students may be much higher.

“I’ve had about five or six people coming to see me a day: young students, living away from home for the first time, some of them in tears.”

“It’s a nightmare for everyone, but it’s especially hard on the international students, who have tremendous problems renting privately because of the legalities involved - setting up bank accounts and so on.

“Some students are on six-

“Five or six have come to see me a day - often in tears.”

EMMA BEBINGTON, EQUAL OPPS. & WELFARE OFFICER

THE VOICE OF CARDIFF STUDENTS

month placements and cannot find landlords that will take them for less than a year.

“This is why they are supposed to have Halls places.”

The University guarantees that the managed accommodation has been vetted and cleaned, and is of the same standard as Halls, but some students have complained that it is not up to scratch.

Hannah Palmer, a European Studies student starting at Cardiff this year, was disgusted at the way she had been treated.

She said, “It’s been a complete disaster. Cardiff was originally my second choice University but I decided I preferred it and came here instead – a big mistake.

“They’ve put me in a house in Donald Street off Albany Road. It’s miles away from the University, and no-one else has turned up yet, so I’m on my own, even though they said there would be four other people here.

“I don’t know anyone and I’m having an awful time. I’m

Residences staff at Talybont are working hard to deal with students’ problems going to decide in the next couple of days whether to stay at University – it’s very tempting just to take a year out.”

One international student forced to stay at the

Sandringham Hotel on St Mary’s Street said he is “very upset” about his situation.

An International Business and Economics student, Lei Wei, 18, has come all the way from China to study at Cardiff.

“They guaranteed me somewhere to stay in the halls of residence when I paid for the course,” he said.

“But they haven’t given me anything yet.” ...Continued on page 2

City centre under repair after blaze Kathryn Edwards reports OFFICIALS FACED a race against time to save one of Cardiff’s oldest buildings from collapse following the recent massive blaze there.

For 24 hours after the incident a number of roads in Cardiff city centre were closed off to the public, causing traffic chaos, while builders worked to secure the old Lloyds Bank building on High Street.

The fire started in the building at 7.15pm last Wednesday and at one point more than 75 firefighters were involved in the operation to control the blaze which ripped through from the first floor to the roof. Firefighters were forced to leave the structure shortly after as a floor and roof collapse made the building unsafe. It was described by South Wales Fire Service as one of the most

difficult fires they had had to deal with in recent years.

All nearby flats were evacuated immediately after

the fire started and residents were prevented from returning to their homes until at least a day later.

The cleanup operation begins

PHOTO:KATHRYN EDWARDS

South Wales Fire Service still do not know the exact cause of the fire, but they insist that it was an accident.

A spokesperson for the fire service said: “We removed our presence from the scene late on Thursday afternoon and handed over to the building controllers.

“We were still going back every couple of hours to check that the fire was definitely out and that there was no smoke. Scaffolding was also placed on the building for safety.”

The company which owns the building that was hit by the blaze, Urban First, has confirmed that loss adjusters are currently surveying the extent of the costs of the damage from the fire. Gwyn Sobey, of Urban First, said: “We still do not know the extent of the damage but hopefully we should have some figures very soon.”

It was thought at one stage of the investigation of the incident that the nearby Castle Arcade had also sustained

some fire damage, but the owners are now confident that the effects have been minimal.

Attempting to prove that being watched can be fun, Chapter promise live weblinks and an array of technology inspired gadgets. ..

GET THERE LOOKS AT AN UNUSUAL FILM NIGHT AT CHAPTER , AND GIVES YOU A CHANCE TO BE THERE TOO News p1–5 ● Letters 09 ● GRiP p11 Comment p07 ● Features p11 ● Sport p19

News 2

IN BRIEF Welsh poverty

gair rhydd MONDAY 3OTH SEPTEMBER 2002

Student bonds still not safe

YOUNG PEOPLE in Wales suffer from greater poverty than in any other part of the UK, a leading children’s charity has warned.

Around 33% of Welsh children were living in poverty in 2000, compared to 30% each in England and Scotland, the Dominic O’Neill reports research for Save the Children has found.

The report, Well-being of A CARDIFF University Children in the UK, also found student has warned that that teenagers in Wales have the letting agencies in the area highest rates of pregnancy and still “can’t be trusted”. drug and alcohol abuse.

It took graduate Catherine Upstone and her flatmates nearly two months to get the full bond for their house W E L S H C O M PA N Y T h e back from Keylet Letting Cardiff Rubber Company LTD Agency, even though the has launched Cariad Condoms property was left in perfect - which claim to be the first condition. bilingual Welsh/English “We thoroughly cleaned condoms. the house before we moved The condoms, which have out,” she said. been bought by Health But the 25 year-old Authorities in Wales, are being European Business and distributed as part of a safe sex Finance graduate was told education scheme. by the agency that she had to Supermarkets in Wales will pay the £80 cleaning bill, soon be stocking the condoms, despite deciding not to take in a bid to promote both out the agency’s cleaning bilingualism and safe sex. service.

Bilingual sex

New jobs at Wales Gene Park PHASE ONE in the development of the multimillion pound Wales Gene Park has recently started with the advertisement of several key posts for the new initiative.

The Wales Gene Park will strengthen existing expertise at University of Wales College of Medicine and Cardiff University.

Fumes danger British Gas has warned students of the danger of deadly Carbon Monoxide in rented flats and houses.

Carbon Monoxide is invisible, has no taste or smell and causes around 50 deaths every year.

Symptoms include headaches, nausea, sickness and general fatigue.

Signs to look out for include stains or soot around a gas fire, water heater or boiler.

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434/436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

“It is easier to pay than argue, so agencies can take advantage CATHERINE UPSTONE

“We have been completely cheated by them,” she said.

“We spent a week cleaning the property before we left, and we even cleaned the net curtains.

“Someone from the agency made an inventory of the house when we left, but they didn’t say anything about the property not being clean enough.

“Most students go home for summer, and they often feel it is easier to pay rather than argue, so letting agencies take advantage.”

“Once the properties have been vacated it is an ideal time for letting agencies to claim for extra charges,” she added.

Keylet Letting Agency, which is one of Cardiff’s biggest and provides property for many students, only decided not to charge the students for the cleaning bill after Catherine wrote a number of threatening letters to the agency.

“When we first moved in, the house obviously hadn’t been cleaned for some time,” she continued.

“We had to clean it then as well, despite the fact that the

University faces application chaos Dominic O’Neill reports FIRST YEAR students arriving at Cardiff this year can think themselves lucky they are starting their courses at all.

Many applicants to Cardiff have been turned away because of unfairly marked exam results.

Hundreds of head teachers across the country have accused the exam boards of deflating grades so that the results would be in line with those of previous years.

As the government’s Education Secretary Estelle Morris has called for all disputed exam results to be

remarked, many students could be entitled to places they have previously been denied. But the university already has far more students than it can cope with.

Cardiff student Ann-Marie Ellis was originally given a ‘U’ in her English Lit. A-level this year, despite being predicted an ‘A’ and achieving A-grades in all her previous papers.

After her particular case attracted widespread media coverage, former Chief Inspector of Schools Chris Woodhead looked over AnnMarie’s exam paper. He says he “cannot see how the answer could have been regarded as a U-grade script.”

Ann-Marie was accepted by Cardiff’s English department after her teachers rang the University to complain that her results were unfair.

But other prospective students have not been so lucky.

“At first I thought it was a computer error so I didn’t really worry about it” she said.

“I was absolutely disgusted when I found out that it was not. With that one U-grade, I ended up with a B in English Literature, and I needed an A to do English at Cardiff.

“A-level candidates have been punished when they did all the work they could for the exam.”

30 Monthermer Road, the property under dispute Hoover was broken.”

A “Bond Bank” was set up last year by the students’ union after a number of complaints were made against agencies unfairly retaining housing bonds.

But the scheme is optional and only 52 students are participating at present.

Development Officer

Simon Goss says it is up to the students to make sure their landlords make use of the bond bank.

“People don’t realise the problems bonds can cause until it’s too late,” he said.

“With us, an officer has to inspect the property in the event of claims for cleaning or anything else.”

Housing hell for first years Continued from page 1 “I’ve been trying to find somewhere to stay in private accommodation, but it’s a big problem.”

The Residences and Catering department declined to comment, but a University spokesman tried to reassure students.

“Cardiff University is admitting more than 200 students above the number originally envisaged,” he said.

“This is because demand for places here is booming – applications are up 12 per cent from last year.

“This has increased pressure on accommodation services, but the university has taken steps to honour its commitment to those guaranteed a place in Universitymanaged accommodation.

“This has involved investing in additional numbers of managed houses. Residents will receive the same cleaning and maintenance services as those in U n i v e r s i t y - o w n e d accommodation.”

Emma Bebington was less confident that everything is under control, but said she was going to work at a solution in conjunction with the University.

“I’ve got several meetings with Residences and Catering over the course of the year, and we will be working to ensure this doesn’t happen again,” she said.

“There are also plans to build a new hall to deal with the increased numbers of students.”

gair rhydd MONDAY 30 SEPTEMBER 2002

News 3

Gair Rhydd breaks the national headlines

Student runner limbers up despite disease

Jon Stevens reports

Howard Calvert reports

GAIR RHYDD’S first issue of the year has been causing a national stir.

Last month we exclusively broke the story of how pop superstar Kylie Minogue recorded a jingle for Cardiff’s student counselling service Nightline last month.

Ever since, journalists from the BBC, Channel Four, the South Wales Echo, The Daily Mirror, NME, Red Dragon FM, CD:UK and more have been hounding the office for details so they could run the story themselves.

But with many of them struggling to even recount the correct details of the event, gair rhydd has once again been setting the standard.

Numerous professional news organisations picked up on the story, but then reported that Kylie had sung a version of “Can’t get you out of my head”.

If they had read the story more carefully they would have found out that the star had really recorded a spoken message!

MARATHONS ARE generally considered to be 26 miles’ worth of hellishly agonising pain.

For anyone suffering from cystic fibrosis the challenge of completing those 26 miles would be verging on the impossible.

But 23-year-old Cardiff University student Tom Woollam has decided to rise to the challenge. He is preparing to run the gruelling New York Marathon on November 3.

Tom, currently studying for a PhD in Sustainable Waste Management, will be one of the only competitors in the race with cystic fibrosis.

He began training in May and is relishing the task of running the famous course through the streets of New

“It feels like someone’s bearhugging you while you run.”

TOM WOOLLAM

York alongside over 30,000 other competitors.

“I’ve never done anything like this before, it’s a big challenge. I’ve always been quite active, in swim teams and that kind of thing - it’s important that I keep active and healthy - but I’ve never done anything long distance.”

The inherited degenerative disease, which affects more than 7,500 children and young adults in the UK, attacks the digestive system and more importantly for runners, the lungs.

“It basically feels like someone’s bear-hugging you while you’re running,” said Tom, “a little like breathing through a straw.”

The condition also dramatically affects the body’s salt levels meaning Tom has to take salt tablets to combat the loss of extra salt in his sweat.

He must also carefully monitor his sugar levels and is constantly on antibiotics to combat infection.

Tom says that this will probably be his only chance to run a marathon and admits that the thought of completing it is a little intimidating.

Tom Woollam out pounding the streets in preparation for his marathon attempt “It will be difficult,” he said, “but the thought of raising lots of money for the Cystic Fibrosis Trust keeps me going. Anyway, if the worst comes to the worst I can

Grants hope after Union visit Mark Cobley reports THIS SEMESETER sees the first step towards the return of free education in Wales, as some Welsh students among this year’s freshers benefit from the new Assembly Learning Grants.

Now ministers are anxious that all eligible students sign up to recieve them.

Assembly education minister Jane Davidson visited the Union along with Cardiff Central Labour MP Jon Owen Jones to explain the new system.

“This is a major investment by the Assembly in further education,” Jane Davidson said.

“We have put aside £44 million for these new grants and we estimate they will be taken up by around 50,000 people, though obviously it is only available to Welsh students.

“But that means a couple of thousand at Cardiff University, if not more.”

Ms Davidson reassured students that the grants were easy to apply for.

“Eligibility is assessed when people apply for a lessening of their tuition fees, making it a ‘one-stop shop’ for student support,” she said.

There is no closing date for applications for the ALGs, which

can be for up to £1,500.

Any student whose home address is in Wales and whose parents earnt less than £15,000 last tax year should consider applying if they have not already done so.

Speculation is also rife, however, that the assembly learning grants could be the first step towards more generous student support arrangements for the whole country.

Jon Owen Jones said, “I have

met with education ministers, including Estelle Morris and Margaret Hodge, several times this year on this issue.

“A major government review of student support arrangements has been ongoing since early this year.”

He went on, “They are keeping their cards very close to their chest, however, we hope the review to be published before Christmas.

“The ‘vibes’ about what might

Politicians visit the Union to explain the new grants

be in the review have been getting steadily better towards the end of the summer, but obviously it depends how much money the Treasury is prepared to spare.”

Tom McGarry, President of NUS Wales, welcomed the introduction of the grants enthusiastically.

“NUS Wales supports any move that will widen participation in further education,” he said.

always walk!”

He needs to raise a minimum of £2000 to run with the CF team, and has already received £500 from the Legal and General in

Cardiff.

If you would like to sponsor Tom send a donation payable to the Cystic Fibrosis Trust to 12 University Place, Splott, Cardiff, CF24 2JU.

Creation offers a natural high John Collingridge reports A CRAZE that has been growing steadily in popularity throughout the UK has finally touched down in Cardiff, with the city’s first ‘oxygen bar’ being installed in the new Creation nightclub.

The new £5m Creation venue - which replaced Dylans and Zeus - first demonstrated the oxygen shots by offering them to shoppers on Queen Street.

The success of the trials has prompted the manager of Creation, Neil Lucas, to set up the 02IT bar in the club.

He said, “It is going to take the UK club scene by storm.

“Its just what you need to maximise your night out.”

Beginning a few years ago, and sprouting in many exclusive locations including London’s Leicester Square, the oxygen bars provide a completely natural high.

The oxygen tanks are filled with different flavours, from menthol to melon and strawberry.

Owner of the new bar Jamie Hancock explained the new invention.

“Oxygen is pumped from tanks through a tube that goes round your head and up your nose,” he said.

“The blast then lasts for 30

seconds.

“This is the first time this has been available in Wales.”

Steve Nicholls, a third year Communication student tried oxygen-on-tap in a surf shop in Bournemouth.

He said, “It was a surreal experience, but proved to be the perfect cure for my hangover. “£3 bought me 10 minutes breathing in oxygen through a mask.

“At first I felt like a bit of a casualty patient and got a few strange looks, but the afterglow was a really pleasurable sensation that completely woke me up.”

The Oxygen bar is expected to be on offer at the venue on October 3, and is promised to return regularly.

Creation nightclub

gair rhydd MONDAY 30th SEPTEMBER 2002

News 4

First amongst equals?

As the National Assembly begins to reintroduce grants for Welsh students, Dominic O’Neill talks to Wales’ answer to Tony Blair: First Minister Rhodri Morgan.

OFTEN MORE than £15,000 in debt before the age of 21, students could be forgiven for holding more than a little spite for the average politician.

They have been falling further and further into the red ever since grants were abolished in the mid-1990s.

The government has, for the most part, been content to sit back and watch.

But for some students living in Wales, good news could be here at last.

Rhodri Morgan’s National Assembly government has set up a pilot scheme to reintroduce grants, albeit in a limited form.

As reported elsewhere in this issue, if you come from a low-income family, and have been living in Wales for a minimum of three years, you could be starting university this year with a hand out of

up to £1,500.

Seated in his leather upholstered Cathay’s Park office, only a few metres away from the university’s main building, Wales’ First Minister said he thinks grants are particularly important for Wales.

“Our social distribution is very different from that in England,” he said.

“There is a very small middle class population and a very large working class population.

“So a lot of people can’t even consider the cost of going to university with the present system.”

“This is a huge breakthrough,” he added.

Although there is little he can do about it, Mr Morgan remains opposed to tuition fees for students with richer parents.

“I have never been in

“I have never been in favour of student tuition fees.” RHODRI MORGAN

favour of fees,” Rhodri Morgan commented.

“I understood why Tony Blair introduced them in 1997 - the government was under a lot of pressure from universities who said they were going bankrupt - but I always preferred the graduate tax option to the imposition of student fees.

“We just don’t have the power to take off tuition fees ourselves.”

Students’ Union officials have welcomed the new learning grants, and NUS Wales’ outgoing president Steve Brooks said it would put pressure on Westminster to scrap fees and reintroduce grants for the whole of the UK. But the First Minister can offer little consolation for those students who have gone through university without grants.

“I don’t think it will be up to us to solve those transitional problems,” he told gair rhydd.

“That’s a matter for the

Rhodri Morgan AM, First Minister for Wales Treasury to work out.

“There will always be some people who see themselves as disadvantaged in a situation like this,” he concluded.

For most Cardiff students

Question and Answer: Rhodri Morgan Did you always want to be a politician?

In a way. I actually started off my career as a civil servant in the infant Welsh Office. It is quite strange to have changed over from being a young civil servant during the early days of the Welsh Office and then to come back over 30 years later as First Minister. That’s fairly unique. I’ve crossed the great divide.

Should the National Assembly be given more powers?

If it is in the interests of the people of Wales.

You supported plans for the reorganisation of Welsh universities into research and teaching clusters. How do you see Cardiff University’s role in the future of Welsh higher education?

Welsh universities are independent institutions. We can’t force anything upon them. But we are very pleased that the University of Wales College of Medicine and Cardiff University have said that they will merge.

That is a very good start. The combined research income that they will generate will put Cardiff quite high up in any European or UK league tables for research.

Many students leave Wales as soon as they graduate.

What are you doing to stop this?

Most of the jobs for university graduates are further towards London. In order to prove yourself you still have to go to Bristol, Swindon, Reading or London. In the next ten or 15 years, I think devolution will change that psychology by offering more graduate jobs within Cardiff and Wales.

Property prices are also a lot cheaper here, so it is easier for people to get themselves started. But the pull of higher

then, grants are still a thing of the past, and the familiar struggle to make ends meet goes on without help from the government.

But with the devolved

The kind of theatre you won’t find anywhere else 2 October @ 8pm

salaries across the border is still very, very strong.

Do you think spending on the arts should be cut?

It’s not up to me to decide who studies what. We do have a real problem with subjects like maths and physics in the UK and indeed in the Western world as a whole. Rather than knocking down those subjects that are more popular, we have to bring up and pay greater attention to those subjects which are harder to do and more difficult to recruit teachers for.

governments in Wales and Scotland leading the way, and rumblings of discontent from backbench Labour MPs in London, change could be on its way soon.

ONE HIT WONDERLAND Comedian Tony Hawks, who hitched round Ireland with a fridge, attempts to win his latest bet

14 October - Sunday 3 November

The International Festival of Musical Theatre i n C a r d i ff The World’s first-ever International Festival celebrating Musical Theatre will be taking over Cardiff and the Sherman will be one of the key venues hosting the main events.

Student Prices at the Sherman!

13 November @ 1.30pm & 8pm OLEANNA by David Mamet Controversial play that has divided audiences around the world

19 - 23 November @ 7.30pm

Red Noses Local theatre company Everyman presents this dark comedy

MORE SAVINGS? Why not become a student Member... ask at box office for more details

BOX OFFICE: 029 2064 6900 MINICOM: 029 2064 6909 The Welsh National Assembly

www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road, Cardiff

gair rhydd MONDAY 30th SEPTEMBER 2002

Cardiff prof attacks Soham media coverage Mark Cobley reports CARDIFF University lecturer has spoken out against the media over their coverage of the murders of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman in Soham.

Speaking in The Western Mail over the summer, Professor Ian Hargreaves, a former editor of the Independent and now Director of the Centre for Journalism Studies at Cardiff, said that it was possible that the media coverage had endangered the successful completion of a fair trial.

Professor Hargreaves told gair rhydd, “Journalists operate under strict legal rules when reporting court cases and matters which are on the brink of resulting in criminal charges.

“In recent years, newspapers have been taking increasing risks, partly because news is so competitive these days, but also, perhaps because the news media feel that they are very powerful, answerable to their readers but less so to politicians and other figures of authority.”

He went on, “Here is a case [Holly and Jessica] where there

News 5

Halls price shock for UWCM students Dominic O’Neill reports

are two people, one accused of murder, the other accused of STUDENTS AT the misleading the police.

University of Wales College “The world may not care of Medicine have moved very much whether these two into their halls only to be people are treated fairly and faced with an unexpected threatened with death in their rent hike.

They now have to pay an cells, given the horrific nature extra £50 a month for rooms of the murders, but everyone is in the halls of residence, and entitled to a fair trial in a it is the second price increase democracy. since last year.

“The press has a big Student nurse Keira Sweet responsibility to ensure that expected to pay only £105 anyone accused in this case is per month for her room in fairly tried so that, if guilty they Brecknock House when she can be punished, and if accepted her place in acquitted they can resume their summer 2001.

UWCM Halls, where student But after arriving back lives.” from a gap year this month, even worse for nurses who He continued, she was told she would have started in March 2002, as they “Sensationalism isn’t necessarily to reset her direct debits to are used to paying only £125 a bad thing. It can help draw £175 per month. per month in rent. people into complex stories “Some people are finding “At first we thought it was it really hard because of this,” and and express things in plain really cheap,” she said.

“It’s not any more, but she said. language. What matters is “We can’t get a part time there is nothing we can do fidelity to the facts.”

Asked whether in his about it. The prices seem to job because we have to work shifts at the hospital anyway.” be going up and up. opinion a completely fair trial Another student nurse, “They could have notified in the case of Holly and Jessica us earlier of the price Hannah Woods, 19, agreed had now been made increase.” with Keira, complaining that impossible, Professor The 20 year-old says it is the price increases have not Hargreaves replied, “It’s impossible to answer that question without knowing the full nature of the evidence and case against the accused. I Rhiannon Davies reports campus demonstrations and are hope not.”

STUDENTS AT the claimed to be the biggest at the University of East Anglia university since anti-apartheid are protesting at the protests in the 1980s.

More than 1,000 of UEA’s prospect of having to work 12,000 students have signed a during freshers’ week.

Freshers have arrived at the petition to free freshers’ week university to find that they are from lectures.

Fresher Lucy Izzard arrived at expected to attend lectures in their first week - usually a time of the university on Sunday and had drinking, partying and meeting to attend her first history and sociology lecture on Monday. new people.

“It’s not fair,” she said. “I The plans have triggered large

gair rhydd ...World Roundup...

GERMANY: Chancellor Gerhard Schroder celebrated victory on Monday September 23, in the closest-fought election in German history.

His Social Democratic Party actually won slightly less votes, with 38.4%, than his rival, Edmund Stoiber of the Christian Democratic Union, who pulled in 38.8% of the vote.

However, Schroder’s coalition partners the Greens did far better than expected with 8.6% of the vote, securing a victory for the governing Red-Green coalition.

brought any improvements to the standard of accommodation.

She said, “We have to share one shower between 12, and we only have one tiny kitchen between us, with a tiny fridge.

“When I look at what my friends get in Talybont, it’s a bit of a joke.”

Figures recently released by the Royal College of Nursing in Wales show that

the average student nurse has to pay £640 per month in living expenses with a bursary of just £453 per month.

A spokesperson for the organisation said financial problems mean many of the students may never become registered nurses.

“The gap between bursaries and the cost of living in cities like Cardiff has to be bridged,” she said.

haven’t even set my computer up and I’m asked to submit a presentation this Friday.”

Ned Glasier, Communications officer at UEA students’ union, said, “We believe that freshers need a little time to settle down and make friends.

“We are furious the university is going to put extra pressure on students who may already be feeling lonely or homesick.”

Officials at the University say they are surprised at the reaction of students about the issue.

A spokesperson for the UEA said, “The research we’ve conducted suggests that first years welcomed the opportunity to get started as soon as possible.

“If you are lonely and homesick, it’s good to be able to crack on with work. People aren’t having lectures from 9am to 5pm.”

Protest over Fresher’s Work

Angry scenes: Was the media to blame?

SCHRODER WINS BY A WHISKER

nurses have suffered an unexpected rise in their rent

Many have attributed the victory to Schroder’s uncompromising stance firmly against a war on Iraq.

CDU/CSU leader Edmund Stoiber, after finally conceding defeat, had a bitter parting shot for the government.

“I predict this government will rule for only a very short time,” he said.

Chancellor Schroder acknowleged that the road ahead would not be easy, with Germany facing high unemployment and the necessity of difficult reforms.

Addressing a victory rally, he said, “There may be hard times ahead, but we’ll get there together.”

gair rhydd takes a fortnightly look at the places and people making the headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World GOOD NEWS FOR PLANET AS OZONE HOLE SHRINKS AUSTRALIA: The hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica is shrinking, and will close within 50 years, scientists claimed earlier this month.

Researchers at the Cape Grim base in Tasmania have detected falls in the level of

Schroder: winner

ozone-depleting chlorine gas in the atmosphere.

They put this down to the global ban on the use of chlorofluorocarbons, or CFCs, which has been in force since the Montreal Protocol of 1987.

Only recently the European Union came under fire in the UK press for enforcing a directive aimed at clearing up the mountains of old fridges that contain the CFCs. However, it appears that such initiatives are having the desired effect.

Dr Paul Fraser, the chief scientist with the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation, said, “This is big news. We think

the trend is definite now. It’s very significant.”

POLITICIAN WANTS PISTOL DUEL PERU: Vice-President David Waisman has been challenged to a duel as a ‘matter of honour’ by an independent congressman, Eittel Ramos.

President Toledo and wife

The challenge occured after President Alexander Toledo’s wife, Elaine Karp commented that “two-bit parties” were trying to undermine her husband.

Mr Ramos criticised her for making the remarks, but then Waisman stepped into the fray and attacked him.

Soon after, Mr. Ramos invited Mr. Waisman to come to a Lima beach to settle the matter once and for all.

Mr Ramos said, “The VicePresident called my attitude cowardly because I said what I said about a woman.”

Mr Waisman was quoted as saying that his moral beliefs prevented him from trying to end another person’s life, and so he was declining the offer to duel.

gairrhydd, Monday 30th September 2002

Comment ● 07

passing

COMMENT

WORDS OF ADVICE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE/CHOIR NEWS/INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS ON CONTEMPORARY MATTERS/HORSE PORN/SWEARING/ELIOI, ELIOI, LAMA SABANCHTI?

By D. C. Gates (some of this colunm may be untrue...)

A

ND SO a new day dawns over the noble Cardiff skyline, and the sleeping giant that once was the Comment page stirs into action. Those of you who remember the gair rhydd of old will no doubt remember that before it imploded beneath the weight of its ego, there used to be page where readers were invited to contribute their views on a variety of subjects. However, very few people did, and eventually GriPE (for so it was called) became a tired rehash and died a pitiful death. But now, like Dracula from his coffin, or Great Cthulu from beneath the sea, the dread force that is the comment column has arisen, back once again with the renegade master, with the ill behaviour...

Having said that, the actual existence of a section purely devoted to one or more person’s opinions seems to be the least essential aspect of gair rhydd. After all, the paper managed quite well without one, and there’s always the Letters Page to cater for those people who have a crap poem to publish, have too much time on their hands, or (whisper it) a valid point to make. However, judging by the length of some of the letters, we could produce an entire issue just filled with stuff sent in.

Therefore, this page exists so that you irritating fuckers with issues and the like can let off some steam. Think of me as a vent. Go on, try it. Not a nice image, is it?

So, on to business. By the time you are reading this Freshers’ week will be over (unless you are some nosey cunt who has crept up to gair rhydd and is reading my files. If you are, stop it). According to most university sources, this means that everything has returned to normal in this part of Cardiff, and that the student population has started ploughing away at its studies. Unfortunately, as everyone knows, this is a bag of shite. Despite the efforts of everyone concerned, nothing whatsoever gets done in the initial weeks of the term - well, nothing that you or I would notice. (It seems that those involved on the frontline of the academic community - the students, some of the lecturers - see very little of the mighty machine churning away behind the scenes. No doubt the staff would agree with this.) Just go into any lecture in the second or third week of term and quietly study the behaviour of the people around you. Behold these listless faces, clouded with sleep and hangovers, some with surreptitious headphones, some idly massaging the keys of mobile telephones, a few paying attention. The re-adjustment required of those returning, or being introduced to university lectures is just not completed this early on in the academic year. Perhaps if this return into academic society (also known as ‘laziness’) were taken into consideration, deadlines would be met well in time and

stress levels would decrease. Nah, who am I kidding.

Hmm, yes. No doubt several sources, most likely including friends and parents will have advised you on things to take with you to university. Strangely, these advice sessions are not limited to freshers. Every time I return home I accumulate a variety of things that I received from my parents, and will have very little use for, such as a moustache comb, an eggcup, and bubonic plague.

Therefore, it is with a rarely-seen spirit of generosity that I impart to you the knowledge that the great majority of the things that you now have with you are of no use and of even less worth. In all the years I have spent in Cardiff, all I have needed was a jar of meat paste, some tonic water and a few bottles of gin.

Everything else was acquired by chance or theft, and frequently both. I am not at liberty to disclose my survival techniques.

I see that a traffic cone has already been placed on the head of Aneurin Bevan. Doing this is neither big nor clever. Mind you, it never ceases to amaze me how the corpse stays in such a good condition.

Meanwhile, the war on Iraq has clearly been on the cards for some time, although the actul bombing has been going on for

some time. With their recent walkover victory at the Earth Summitt, the big business monopolies will be glad to get their hands on the Middle East’s oil pipelines – all in the name of liberty and freedom from tyranny. That ‘liberty’ is effectively a shorthand for ‘unbound free trade’ or ‘monopoly-friendly’ should be clear by now. Bush’s overwhelming desire for an old-fashioned gunblazinhellzapoppinkentuckyfriedempir ebuildin’ shoot-out seems to be directed as a publicity stunt as well as a moneyspinner. For example, the supposed excuse that Hussein will have a nuclear weapon in “one or two years”. Not with the amount of uranium he has at the moment, he won’t. What’s more, how the hell is he going to smuggle half a tonne of radioactive material in Iraq unnoticed, and where will he get it from? It is perhaps the only time in which a nation’s military is going against its government in the interests of peace, or that people who approved of arm sales to ‘the enemy’ ten years ago are playing for caution.

However, the prospect of war is not inevitable. If enough people protest against it, an offensive on Iraq will not be able to take place due to the underlying threat of civil unrest – ultimately, neither Bush nor Blair will prioritise their warmongering over their prospects for the next elections. By now, the mass demonstration in London will have taken

place, so urging you to attend is fairly pointless, but if another demonstration is planned, you know what to do.

I was thinking you might appreciate a portrait of the office in which this column is being typed. Of the eight computers, only five are working, and the lateafternoon conversation of the skeleton staff has turned to Frank Sidebottom, PeeWee Herman, porn theatres, MC Pitman, and Victorian robots. It smells funny in here, a sort of sweat-caffine odour. Round these parts, time-wasting is an art form– believe me. Actually, you’d just love it up here…

By now you should have gathered that I am more or less making this column up as I go along. That would be a correct assumption to make. It’s not that I can’t be bothered to do the page properly, it’s more that I have no working notes from which to draw inspiration. Anyway, the actual text in Comment is subject to change in the event of new developments taking place, so if part of this article is discussing a giant robot, leaving the remainder unchanged, you can bet there’s been some exciting events in the world of robots, or that I just felt like writing about a giant robot.

I‘m going to leave you now, but I promise to have something decent written by next time. I will, honest.

Classifieds ● 8

gair rhydd, Monday 30 September 2002

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

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20 pence per CAPITALISED word

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25 pence per bold word

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30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS

ACCOMMODATION

SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaA@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

LGB OFFICER: Contact James Knight on KnightJ2@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on atshie_12@yahoo.co.uk Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk Visiting hours for non-sabbs coming soon.

Room available for one person to share with four girls on Dogfield Street. Gas central heating, fully furnished kitchen with washing machine. £53 rent per week.

Contact Interlet on 029 2040 000.

Room in luxury house. All mod-coms. For Postgrad female. £210. Lisvane Street. Tel 029 2066 9037 or 07966 175284.

Need another housemate? Need a house?

Need anything vaguely related to houses and accommodation? this is the place to paste up your note.

EMPLOYMENT And this is where you cast your eyes for those employment prospects, because you’ve spent your loan already haven’t you.

MISCELLANEOUS Weekly lifts to/from Stroud, Gloucestershire. Take/deliver books, washings, etc. Tel.Steven on 01453 751647 or 07966 175284 Miscellaneous is the place for all your unclassifiable messages, that would be shout outs, birthdays. well, just about anything really. Be heard!

OK, so the classifieds section is a little sparce but it’s early in the semester y’know. Trust me, in a week or so this

CROSSWORD 1 Take small, quick bites (6) 4 Wine bottle, twice the normal size (6) 9 Plant whose root sometimes flavours coffee (7) 10 Smell (5) 11 Boredom (5) 12 Impious (7) 13 Upper part of the leg (5) 15 Female Prophet (5) 20 Chase (7) 22 Restraining chain (5) 24 Eiderdown (5) 25 Person with a vote (7) 26 Swallow up (6) 27 Fish-hawk (6)

A duck walks into a bar and says “have you got any bread?”. “No” replies the irate barman, so the duck leaves. Five minutes later the duck returns and says to the barman, “have you got any bread?”.

The barman angrily replies, “No, I told you, we don’t have any bread now get out!”. So the duck leaves only to return to the bar five minutes later, asking the barman, “have you got any bread?”. The barman by now is livid, and snarls, “If you ask me if I’ve got any bread one more time I’m going to nail your beak to the bar”.

The duck pauses for a moment then asks, “have you got any nails?”. The barman replies, “no, we haven’t got any bloody nails”. “Got any bread?” the duck asks.

Two crisps are walking by the side of the road when a car pulls over, and the driver offers them a lift. One of the crisps replies, “no thanks, we’re Walkers”.

A polar bear walks into a bar, stops for two minutes then orders a pint. The barman pours the pint then asks, “why the big paws?

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the

Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

Across:

section will be teeming with life. And at a rather bargainous rate you can add your own drop of joy into the melting pot. So do it!

Down: 1 2 3 5 6 7 8 14 16 17 18 19 21 23

Very soft white metal (6) Scottish child (5) Imminent (7) Included in (5) Twelve hundred hours (7) One who dies for a cause (6) Thick, sugary liquid (5) Small silvery North Atlantic fish (7) Malady (7) Impervious to light (6) Not the same (5) Spanish fortified wine (6) Up to the time that (5) Change (5)

Can I get a reeeeeewind? Pop your completed crosswords up to the gair rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Union building pronto, and win this fortnight’s stonking prize!

I don’t like buns which were made yesterday, I like current buns.

NAME:________________________ E-MAIL:_______________________ WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE, THE HEAD OF A DOG OR THE FLIPPERS OF A SEAL, AND WHY?:

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

WIN! From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

a shot in the dark...

Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine Open ‘til 11, seven days a week.

Coffee bar with BYO license!

Letters ● 09

gairrhydd, Monday 30th September 2002

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight wins 15% off their gas bill. Just come up to the office and sign for it.

Dear gair rhydd, Inspired by the recent government TV infomertials including handy tips on ladder safety (careful up there kids), I feel compelled to inform the non-halls student population of Cardiff about the shameless trap in which my housemates and I found ourselves ensnared.

Being the innocent minded and trusting young ladies we are (that's not an invitation fellas), the seemingly nice professional looking man from Atlantic Gas and Electricity had us conned. Don’t be fooled by the company jacket and smoothly spoken spiel. After all, Saddam Hussein would tell you he could reduce your bills by 15% if he was on commission. Assuming we wouldn’t be changing power suppliers, just receiving bills from the elusive ‘Cardiff office’, we signed his nice blue form. Oops. The customer service ‘helpline’, ha ha, was hardly helpful in cancelling our new power supplying contract even though their lying shitpicking salesman had clearly already given them our details within the half-hour.

Our advice is to just say no thank you, you lying, deceitful piece of shite.

Some lovely 2nd year ladies Lettersdesk says: Sound advice, although I’ve heard that taking down their name then addressing them in a put on posh English accent with, “congratulations, now you and every member of your family will die in poverty” is equally as effective.

Slash ‘n burn Dear gair rhydd I am a student new to Cardiff and have observed a very scary and annoying phenomenon in my three days here. I feel it is my duty to warn my fellow freshers for the sake of their mental wellbeing. Upon my arrival at Senghennydd Court I had the misfortune to meet a seemingly nice girl who went out of her way to be friendly. Only on the second day of our acquaintance did the true nature of this friendliness become apparent. It seems I have got myself a stalker. In the past two days I have received countless text messages, phone calls, visits and apparently ‘coincidental’ meetings in the street from my new stalker. What originated as a passing friendliness on my behalf is now causing me sleepless nights, I cannot get away from her! She calls me first thing in the morning collecting all the details of my day then proceeds to become my shadow for the day. I fear I soon will not be able to go to the toilet without her accompanying me.

My own fate seems already decided by this freak, but for my fellow students (the stalker ones excluded) there is still time to escape from the clutches of those sinister individuals. At all costs avoid them - your life at university depends on it.

As for me, I am contemplating ritual burning or vicious stabbing to purge the world of my stalker and save humanity from her evil clutches. Good luck to you all.

A concerned and fear-filled fresher Lettersdesk says: The technical term for one of these student stalkers is a ‘bag rustler’, because they knock on your door and rustle a bag full of presents for you until you let them in. I’ve heard.

P u b ’s j i z z ?

Dear gair rhydd, May I just take the time to express my distress at the newly altered Taf. Woe is us to lose our much hallowed ‘old mans’ decor which had such charm. At the end of a long day of lectures myself and my friends liked nothing better than to unwind in the relaxing and laid back atmosphere as did many of our fellow Taf-loving students.

Why oh why did our union think to renovate the Taf to a trendy alternative? In honour of this illtimed blunder I fully intend to boycott the new style Taf and frequent my local with a similar feel to the old Taf. We say - bring back the old Taf! A concerned 2nd year student Dear gair rhydd, The new Taf is excellent!

Previously I couldn’t stand spending more then ten minutes in that drab dingy cave, well done to the Union for getting out their wallet and bringing the Union drinking facilities up to date.

Sam, happy Lettersdesk says: Well you know what they say, you can’t stop progress. You really can’t.

What's his beef?

Dear gair rhydd, I am writing to express my outrage at Walkers Crisps latest marketing lie. For those of you who remember the golden days of Monster Munch roast beef flavour crisps (and you should do, they are truly beautiful) I hope that you will join me. Walkers have recently (or so they claim) released their “new”

(absolute bollocks) ‘ROAST BEEF’ Monster Munches.

Nooooooo!!! How dare they claim credit for having created such beautiful crisps! Please, my fellow roast beef lovers, join me in my campaign to have them re-named “back by popular demand because we’re so bloody stupid to remove them in the first place and deprive so many people” Roast Beef Monster Munches.

Call me irrational if you like but after enduring so many years of Walkers invoked withdrawal symptoms I feel it only right to make my stand. After this I fully intend to bring about the revival of Marmite flavoured Cheddars.

Power to the Monster Munch!

An irate crisp lover Lettersdesk says: Well I must say this is the first time I’ve ever heard crisps described as “beautiful”.

Twice.

Tw a t controller Dear gair rhydd, I want to rant about this absolute fucking prick who curtailed me at Cardiff Central station the other day. I’d discarded my used ticket on the train as I disembarked, then this fucker thrust his arm out and stopped me exiting the station, demanding to see my ticket. “I threw it away on the train” I informed him. “Yes but sir you’re travelling without a valid ticket and I have the authority to enforce you to purchase another one, or to contact the railtrack police” or some bollocks. I politely informed him that I would not be buying another ticket (his use of the word ‘another’ making it perfectly clear he knew I had bought one), but even when the two girls I had sat opposite came to my rescue and corrected this knob, he just waved them away. He ‘let me go’ a little later, and I was free to return to my beloved Cardiff. That's it, just wanted to expose this nasty little Hitler. He’s the one with the grey goatee so keep your eyes (and tickets) out.

A former train user Lettersdesk says: Nothing worse than a rail worker on a power trip.

Apart from those shop ‘supervisors’ who wave keys in your face. Bastards, all of them..

Thong; wrong Dear gair rhydd, Flicking through my gair rhydd I was appalled to come across a full page advert featuring an OAP wearing nothing but a cap, a dazed expression and a leopardskin thong. Oh, and a watch. But then wavy lines appeared in front of my eyes and I experienced a flashback to last year’s freshers week, where I saw with my very eyes the very same man, wearing the very same attire wandering around the Student’s Union handing out fliers.

Please tell me this actually happened and I’m not just going mental.

Linda C 2nd year Psychology Lettersdesk says: Unfortunately,

this did actually happen. I think most people repressed the experience but that advert had caused it to come flooding back.

Expect Nightline phones to be jammed with traumatised students.

Loved up?

Dear gair rhydd, A message to all freshers: Yeah, makes it a good night, fills you with confidence, you’ll talk to anyone, feel on top of the world...wait until you’re in A&E, your brother is on a life support machine, “Oh, he only took one E”, “It must have been a bad one”.

BAD ONE??? Somehow, I think they’re all bad. Call me a cynic, but please for God’s sake, don’t go near them.

Me Lettersdesk says: Just say no kids.

Vi s u a l nightmares Dear gair rhydd, Can anyone tell me why the Blockbuster machine in the Union doesn’t have any studenty movies in it? Where we should find Withnail And I, Dazed And Confused or Braindead, we find soft-porno trash and a hundred copies of the latest Hollywood bollocks. I’m sure there is a market for the likes of Sex Detective but not among the likes of randy freshers. And without any other video shops nearby Blockbuster are taking the piss and pouring it on our heads. Aaargh!

Your eternally, Pete Stevens Lettersdesk says: Good point.

It’s called a monopoly, which incidentally is the title of a board game which is a hell of a lot more fun than watching the likes of Sex Detective. It’s the marginal but significant difference between a sex scene and porn that matters.

Think about it.

An official member writes Dear gair rhydd, OK, so I know that reality TV is scraping the barrel etc. and we should rise above such dirge, but I have to admit to being hopelessly

The

ga i r r hy dd

addicted to ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get My Out Of Here!’ Admittedly, much of the addiction stemmed from my ambition to marry Tara Palmer-Tompkinson (before having a fling with Nell of course). While we’re on the subject, I discovered recently that when my Mother was 17 years old she was a member of the official Tony Blackburn fan club.

Stinky Pinky Lettersdesk says: Well Mr. Pinky, it could be worse, you could be watching Popstars: The Rivals.

But then again you probably are.

Negative advertising Dear gair rhydd, Good to have the Gay Ride back, but I’m not sure that a picture of Ryan Giggs clasping an issue with the headline, “Student found dead in Talybont room” is an effective advertisement.

Stan Lettersdesk says: Ah, the old chestnuts – ‘Gay Ride’ is still not actually a very funny nickname, is it? But nice try anyhow.

Wo rt h complaining?

Dear gair rhydd, Many students I’m sure will have been following the fiasco that is the A-level marking boards in the press over the last weeks and months. The scandal is that grade margins are lowered and raised in an attempt to retain some consistency in grades. But I distinctly remember a few years ago being told that the grade margins do change every year depending on the standards of the entries nationally. I just shrugged, said “that sucks” and got on with it, that was just the way it was.

Now I realise I should have complained about this, and I wonder why this has gone unnoticed for so many years. Do any other students remember being told what I was?

Laura K 3rd year economics Lettersdesk says: After a quick search through my long-term memory I do in fact recall being told the same thing. Anyone else have similar recollections? Do write in. People used to take E’s in the common room too but I didn’t tell anyone about that either. She just sat on the chair all day and shook...

Letters page

Agree with anything written on this page? Me neither, so get writing and have your views about anything from Monster Munch to world war to tuition fees to ‘Sex Detective’ read by the students of the greatest capital city in the UK. Remember that you can complain all you like to your friends or whoever, but we aren’t telepathic. So just send us an e-mail, drop your load in the office (this sounds unpleasant-Ed) up on the fourth floor of the Union or if those steps really are too numerous, mail it to us. Everything you need to know is at the foot of this very page.

Happy scribbling, punters!

Please send your letters in to us at gair rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

02

et TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP

Welcome back, hope you’re all still stood comfortable. After all those nights at the Union and maybe even a regrettable incident or two at Creation, it’s time to venture further afield and head for the city’s true beacons of life. Visit the places that make Get There worth reading, the events not advertised on the staircase of the Union. Enjoy!

Culture Capital

5 simple ways to enrich your fortnight 1. gair rhydd Launch Party

3. Xpress 2 return to Cardiff Saturday 12th October , Emporium

Wednesday 2nd October, The Junction, Solus. 7pm Jean Jacques Smoothie:see you there

W

ELL, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of harmless self-promotion is there?

Open to anyone with an interest in contributing and who wants to experience the pressures of enrollment on a fortnightly basis. But it’s not all fun, except tonight.

As the old joke goes, new blood is as important to us as it is to the black pudding industry, so it’d be splendid if you turned up. gair rhydd is always open to new contributors.

We’ll explain how it is we muddle along, what happens and how you can be involved. We’ll introduce ourselves and what each of us do and we can discuss it all over drinks.

Even if you can’t make it today, please feel free to visit our union penthouse at anytime. We’re not really as cliquey as everyone says.

Just to prove it, you should make your way, along with us, to the Plastic Raygun night in Seren Las at 9pm

after the ‘official’ gr do is, um, done. What good timing for us, hey? We get to go along to a Union night worth it’s wait, as well as keeping the booze flowing. Nice. The newly enlarged gair rhydd clique will repair here afterwards for entertainment at a special discounted price for you lucky punters who come along to both! Their label night promises music from Jean Jacques Smoothie and a live set from Dynamo Dresden. As someone once said, awesome scenes!

We can’t offer much more than that. Believe me, it really doesn’t get any better.

So if you’re gay, bi, single or just curious, please come along.

Telephone: gair rhydd for any more information on 029 2078 1434. Even better, come up to the office, 4th floor of the Students Union. See you on the 2nd then, if not before.

2. Indoor ‘Power’ Cricket (the new phenomenon?)

including England captain Nasser Hussain, have committed themselves to the experiment. It’s Britain versus the Rest of the World so there’s plenty of excuse for patriotism; Sky TV even promise a mic link up between crowd and team captain so you can heckle your way through the night. Who knows, maybe all cricket will someday be played this way. Until then though, we’ll just have to rely on one off opportunities like this Tickets: £10-20, Tel 0870 5582582

Staff list GRiP editors: Robin Jackson & Nick Mcdonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) Get there: Neil Krajewski (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) Arts: LaDonna Hall &Mat Crof (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C. Gates (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Blain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth, Nick McDonald (gairrhyddtvdesk@hotmail.com)

Time Flies regulars.

Emporium’s fairly tiny compared to the city’s more popular venues and tonight’s event is likely to be so rammed that no one would notice if David Byrne himself turned up.

Advance tickets and preparations are recommended for the first of Emporium’s big events of the Autumn.

Tickets: £10 Tel. 02920 669031 www.timeflies-uk.com

4. Marc Evans Weekend Saturday 5th October , Chapter Arts Centre ANOTHER OF the gala events in which Chapter seem to specialise. In order to promote Marc Evan’s latest spinechilling masterpiece, My Little Eye, Chapter have assembled a grand line up of DJs to explore entertainment in a surveillance dominated society, performing sets after a screening of My Little Eye at 6.15pm and an on stage interview and Q&A session

with the director Marc Evans.

Attempting to prove that being watched can be fun, Chapter promise live weblinks and an array of technology inspired gadgets. Furthermore, gair rhydd can offer you the chance to be there. Chapter are giving away 10 free tickets to the event. Interested? Simply flick pages to Film and find out how!

Tel. 02920 304400

5. 80s MatchBox B-Line Disaster Saturday 12th October, Cardiff Barfly

Friday 4th - 5th October, 5pm Millennium Stadium CRICKET COMES To the stadium in what is billed as the first indoor cricket match in history.

A great opportunity to visit the magnificent Millenium Stadium without incurring considerable expense, this promises to be both a great day out and, if you find yourself in need, an acceptable way to entertain your parents.

Promising a revised set of rules and bonus points for the big hitters, this should be an intriguing day out. With the ‘proper’ cricket season over, a whole host of international stars,

NOT TO be confused with Xpress Radio, Cardiff’s student station but equally worthy of your attention. Last time, Xpress 2 played here they enjoyed themselves so much that they begged to come back.. Thankfully the wonderful people at Time Flies have done just that. This time the dance duo, of Lazy, fame promise a multi-sampler, 6 deck, 3 hour spectacular and arrive supported by a strong array of

HAVING BURST into Cardiff supporting Ikara Colt, last year, the Disaster, as they may someday be known as, return to the capital. How exactly they’ll related to the 80s I’m not sure, but don’t go expecting a repeat of Thursday’s antics at Solus. Instead, this would seem to e be a far more focussed and intense affair. Promoting their debut album, Horse of the Dog (No Death), what they lack in

variety they’ll sure to make up in passion. Expect plenty of instrument berating, frequent screaming, lyrics like “I want your dirty kebab all weekend...”; all the excitement usually absent from your average indie club. Noise returns to the streets, Britain takes on the might of American emo-punk ; hype it however you wish, just make sure that you’ll there.

Tickets £5

In this issue of GRiP...

10: Arts

Confessions of a Kandinsky lover and some body exploration.

05: Music

Suede and the Libertines wow Cardiff and Music live.

11: Film Win tickets for horrorflick My Little Eye

12: Books

Guides you around the bookshops in Cardiff, for the best and the bargains

13: TV

A scrounge through the best and the worst on the box.

03

GRiP

Union

be good if the number of stickers plastered across the city mean anything.

Mondays

Wednesday 09/10

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution.

Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend,’ it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, makes Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue.

Tuesdays Candy @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

If you like to shake your booty to the best R’n’B, Garage and Hiphop, then Candy should be your regular fixture on a Tuesday night.

Featuring Mikee B (8th Oct) Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Weekly night of much hilarity and wine. Featuring appearances from Rob Deering (1st Oct) and Noel Britten (8th Oct)

Wednesdays Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00.

If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all the greatest hits from the 60’s, 70’s

Live Music Monday 30/09

Tuesday 01/10

Wednesday 02/10 Airwaves + A470 + Experiment @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4

and 80’s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle, if singing your heart out to ‘American Pie’ surrounded by equally jubilant sports teams is your thing, then get your Jive tickets early.

Thursdays Eighties Night @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

This years freshers intake might have missed most of the eighties on account of only being at nursery school, but no matter. It’s never too late to learn about the greatest decade that music has yet to offer.

Spandau Ballet! Duran Duran!

Tiffany!

Fridays Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

“I’d be gutted that I didn’t buy my

Lash ticket early,” was the cry in the gair rhydd office last year when we inevitably forgot to get our tickets early enough. Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night, so don’t be stupid like us and get your ticket early.

Saturdays Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 1am, free Funky pop and chart cheese in our very own union featuring guest DJs and Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2.

Sundays Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, £1 Laid back sounds in Seren Las. Top notch.

Thursday 03/10

capital’s kids. Good on them.

Space + The Vanities @ Barfly 7.30pm, £7 adv The first and maybe the smallest of this term’s greatest hits tours. Don’t go expecting a surprise appearance from Cerys, but there will be hits galore for sure!

Monday 07/10

Friday 04/10 The Crescent + Big Sur @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 Fresh from the festival circuit, The Crescent bring their scouse-tinged Britrock to Barfly. Fridays at Barfly are notoriously noisy and for once that’s not a bad thing.

Saturday 05/10 Audiovent @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv Sounds like indie-dance crossover hell, but at least there’s a good chance they’ll be better than Audioweb.

Talkshow + Dopamine + Novello @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £4 Local bands showcase. All of them played here before and at least Dopamine deserve to do so again.

Sunday 06/10 4ft Fingers + Whitmore + Mixtwich + Gash @ Barfly 3pm, £4 adv Another ska-punk affair as Barfly continues to do its ‘thing’ for the

The Jeevas @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 A rejuvenated Crispian Mills of Kula Shaker fame brings his new band to Cardiff. For all of you here last year, this is a re-scheduled show so if you promised someone you’d go before, sorry but you’ve still got to go now Crispin has recovered from his sore throat.

Talisman + Phrasa + Valley Confusion + Dopamine @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £3 Local band competition. Looks to me as though Dopamine have been practising so back them at your local bookies.

The Wildhearts @ Coal Exchange 7.30pm, £10 They’ve been reformed more times than, er, the meat in a Caroline Street kebab. Coincidental Wildhearts titbit: one of them ‘laid a cable’ in a pitta bread for a sleeve photo, but it was rejected.

Tuesday 08/10 Kid Galahad + Sexy Vegas Superstars @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 More casualties of the summer festival circuit, Kid Galahad specialise in keyboard driven melodies and are actually fairly good. Sexy Vegas Superstars may

Buffseeds + Brother Steve + Remzo @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 From what I can recall, the Buffseeds are impressive falsetto choirboy indie types. Not to be confused with the Buff Medways but still probably worthy of your attention.

Zion Train @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £8 Dub veterans return and bring their really rather excellent routine back to Cardiff. Young indie types go along and learn.

Roni Size + Dynamite MC + Dj Yoda @ Solus, Student Union 9pm, £10 More drum’n’bass from the genre’s most familiar and enduring face.

Likely to be a great night.

Friday 11/10 Terrashima + Martini Henry Rifles + C64 @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv A band good enough to relegate the fantastic Martini Henry Rifles to a support slot? Surely, not. Worth going to find out though.

Saturday 12/10 80s Matchbox B-Line Disaster @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv The NME are going mad for this new bunch of modern punky types.

Great name, hopefully a great band.

Meat @ Horse & Groom 9pm, free.

See the review in Music this week for a taste (no pun intended) of how good this band are. Bow, mucky heathens, afore the might of the Meat! No vegetarians or papists.

Orange Finger + Dark Bazaar + D’Booga @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £4 Excellent prog-rocking types gather on the top floor of Clwb.

Sunday 13/10 My Deaf Audio + Funeral for a Friend + Openfire @ Barfly 3pm, £4 See last Sunday and every Sunday from now and until Xmas (probably). A good idea though from the masters at Barfly.

Kathryn Williams + Damien Rice @ Coal Exchange, £12.50adv

Tuesday 02/10 A View From the Bridge @ New Theatre (runs until 5th October) 7.30pm, £7.50+ New production of Arthur Miller’s classic play.

Wednesday 03/10 Russian Philharmonic Orchestra Opera @ St David's Hall £8.50-£30 A Stravinsky special featuring te Russian’s composed most emotionally fraught and tense work.

Coming Up Queens of the Stone Age @ Great Hall, Sat 19/10/02 7.30pm, £14 Close to being incredible. The Queens return to South Wales to promote ‘Songs for the Deaf’ and, frankly, you need to be there.

Supergrass @ Great Hall Friday 25/10 7.30pm, £15 adv Supergrass aren’t ‘cool’ anymore, but ‘cool’ is why my daughter needs a new pair of trainers every month. Therefore you should go... I guess.

Foo Fighters @ CIA Wednesday 20/11 7.30pm, £18.50 adv Dave’s back. We like Queens Of The Stone Age more though. Feel free to choose though.

Badly Drawn Boy @ Great Hall Monday 02/12 7.30pm, £15adv You know what to expect by now; great coup for the union all the same.

Doves@ Great Hall Friday 06/12 7.30pm, £14 adv Promising night of entertainment that’s bound to be the victim of excessive hype in the coming weeks.

Oasis @ Cardiff International Arena Sunday 08/12 and Monday 09/12 7pm, £28.50 Tickets have probably sold out, but it’s a chance for those with tickets to feel smug. Or ripped-off.

Calling all societies!

Want your event listed in these hallowed pages?

E-mail us, gairrhyddlistings@ hotmail.com with details and we’ll put you in touch with the student masses.

Films on release in Cardiff...

The Importance of Being Earnest Starring: Rupert Everett, Colin Firth, Judi Dench Oscar Wilde’s comedy of mistaken identity is given extra charm with a top-notch cast and the same director as An Ideal Husband. A definite feel-good movie.

Insomnia Starring: Al Pacino, Robin Williams

A police detective accidentally shoots his own partner while trying to apprehend a suspect.

The detective is given an unexpected alibi, but this "solution" only multiplies the emotional complexity and guilt.

The Sweetest Thing Starring: Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate

Typical girly romance of the ‘girl meets man – girl loses man – girl spends the rest of the film trying to find him’ genre.

Combines the chick-flick with the gross-out movie, and Diaz is supposed to be superb.

Beijing Bicycle Starring: Cut Lin, Li Bin

Set in contemporary Beijing, this acclaimed drama puts a contemporary spin on the Italian classic Bicycle Thieves, and provides an illuminating picture of the way traditional values and class structures have been changing in China.

Tortilla Soup Starring: Hector Elizondo, Jacqueline Obradors, Tamara Mello

A Mexican re-make of the Ang Lee classic Eat, Drink, Man, Woman that manages to be warm and perceptive and manage to stay true to the original film.

Get There

Slider + Kealer @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Kealer promise Verve-esque dramatics as they attempt to recreate the Oasis Earl’s Court shows all those years ago. Expect to see Slider completely blown away; that is, of course, if you’re not unfortunate enough to be stood behind a pillar.

Folk/Acoustic Jam Session @ Clwb Ifor Bach, free The obvious and still the best solution to any problem - if you’re not happy then do it yourself. Sadly I can’t play but I’d love to see some of you troubadors go and try.

Thursday 10/10

Arts

Cardiff’s listings in full

Merz + Juniper + Soda Men @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 adv Odd reggae type guy. Featured on BBC2’s Glastonbury highlights for 3 full minutes in 1998. Tape available on request from the gair rhydd office. Frankly, he stands about as much chance of a ‘comeback’ as Leo Sayer did; attend only in sympathy.

Interpol + Simian + Fillmore @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 There’s always been a strong bond between crime and rock’n’roll. Just because they’re named after a Crime Prevention agency don’t expect Interpol to break with tradition.

Two excellent singer-songwriters join up for a tremendous, if overpriced, evening of folky melodies to promote Kathryn’s new album. Recommended.

Get TCardiff’s herelistings

GRiP

04 Clubbing Mondays

Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’Bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings.

Happy Mondays @ Barfly Sounds like a cash-in off the back of 24 Hour Party people to me, but you could always go and find out.

One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm.

Gay venue. Chart and Dance.

Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun.

All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Tuesdays

Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money.

Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in!

Student Night @ Barfly 10.30pm - 2am, free NUS Chart and cheese from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Vodka @ Creation

Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of Vodka Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thought it.

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm, I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

Wednesdays

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm.

A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffeur, but highly unlikely.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds

good, and the flyers are ace.

Check it out.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott!

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

Thursdays

Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

Deja Vu @ Clwb Ifor Bach New night from Clwb featuring Seventies funk and nu-jazz.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS As if Brit-Pop needed reviving with Space on the prowl Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature.

Excellent night. Even better, Cut Le Roc will be there on the 3rd Oct for a DJ set.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal

early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4 R’n’b and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings

Fridays

Sweat Shop @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Ground Floor) 9pm, £3 A loud start to the weekend with a feast of emo, stoner-rock and metal.

Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7 The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop. Featuring AdamF (4th Oct) and Killa Kella (11th Oct) Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and house out on the bay.

ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS Hard House night featuring regular guest DJS including the Tidy Boys (4th Oct)

Saturdays

Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene.

More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS

Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Sweet’n’Spicy @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3 Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, Smart dress If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company ofclub classics and funky house

Sundays

Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs.

Sport gair rhydd Listings.

introduces

Sports

Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk)

Saturday 12th: vs Wycombe Wanderers, 3pm Ninian Park, home of Cardiff City, is easily reached from Cardiff Centrall and this should be an exciting division two clash. Tickets start at about £12

Cardiff Rugby

(www.cardiffrugby.com) Saturday 5th: vs Bridgend, 2:30pm The mighty Cardiff Rugby squad play at the Arms Park, situated just behind the Millennium Stadium.

Expect big things from one of South Wales’ biggest clubs. Tickets start at about £10 Saturday 12th: vs Biarritz Olympique, 5:30pm First outing for Cardiff in this season’s Heineken Cup, rugby’s equivalent of the Champion’s League.

05

GRiP

Back in fashion SUEDE Coal exchange

PHOTO:Dave Griffiths

BRETT ANDERSON steps onto stage at the Cardiff Coal exchange with his characteristic sleek figure and angular features, is it natural for someone of his years to look like this? Anderson’s voice resides somewhere between the glamour of Ziggy-era Bowie and the camp knowing of Morrisey. His group Suede have been telling tales of suburban nowhere, towns full of beautiful lovers and losers, against the backdrop of squalling indie guitar riffs for over ten years now. As much as they have evolved the loss of the genius guitarist Bernard Butler still hangs like a shadow over Suede.

Suede are back three years on from their relatively average last album Head Music. Tonight they begin with new slower acoustic numbers such as Simon and lost in TV. Then move onto exhilarating old classics like So Young that swoops on the chorus line of ‘We’re so young and so gone/lets chase the dragon.’ The sparkling Metal Mickey and the gloriously yearning and anthemic The Power. At moments The crowd seem to been entranced by Brett’s showmanship as he snake-hips his way through Trash, communally the audience rise arms aloft to greet one of their most glorious moments. He also taunts the crowd with a cheeky irony labeling past albums “sh*t” and asking the audience to guess the song Everything Will Flow from its first few bars.

Suede are good tonight but whether their Knowing Glamour and Beauty will again be embraced by record buyers more comfortable with the sanitized blandness of Travis and the dadrock of the Stereophonics, and Toploader is Uncertain. But tonight Suede let us back into their unique world and show that ten years on they are still singing those sci-fi lullabies into the nightime.

Brett:pit hair agogo

ECHOBOY/ WILMER Cardiff Barfly

THE LIBERTINES Barfly

IT MUST be worrying for a band when the support act gets more fans than you at a gig.

Tonight’s support band Wilmer seem to have brought several of their mates go watch them, which is good for them as they need all the support they can since their music is dangerously average.

Echoboy on the otherhand are a revelation. Richard Warren has spent the last 12 months fusing his studio based electronic early work with soaring melodies and pop sensibilities, which hints that their new album Giraffe may well be something special. Its just a shame that Wilmer’s mates have all left after their set and there is about 8 people to watch Echoboy’s set. If they had stayed they could have learned something about good music too, since tracks like Wasted Spaces have more ideas in 5 minutes, than the whole of Wilmer’s set.

Hopefully tours with Simian and Doves with raise Echoboy’s profile so they get the respect they deserve. Andy Parsons

THE LIBERTINES took to the stage at 10, and slinked off just before 11. In between this came one of the most exhilarating performances I’ve seen in the past year. The competition between vocalists Pete Docherty and Carl Barat, for the attention of the crowd made it even more thrilling to be in the presence of quite possibly the next ‘big’ band. This added with a drummer who gave it his all, and a bassist who kept a cool, dark presence on stage, made the night something special indeed.

The Libertines, who have been compared to their label mates The Strokes, stormed into a performance which was full of energy. The crowd were really behind the band people jumping like mad, several made it onto the stage only to be pushed back into the crowd. Songs such as What A Waster and I Get Along were incredibly catchy with their robust lyrics and finger twiddling guitar riffs, and watching Pete and Carl swap positions on stage and holler into each others microphones during every song, made it an even more frenetic experience. Tim Carne

MAX TUNDRA Cardiff Barfly

MR SCRUFF Coal Exchange

IN ONE swift live performance Max Tundra knocks the stereotype of the grumpy British techno bedroom wizkid on it’s head. Whilst the music certainly has all the hallmarks of a man who could probably build a robot with his eyes shut, Max (aka Ben Jacobs) injects more fun, happiness and quirkiness into his performance than Eddie Izzard on Amyl Nitrate.

This is the first night of Max’s UK tour supporting his new Mastered By Guy At The Exchange album, comprising of some of the strangest, but also most interesting pop songs you’ll hear this year. Max bounces madly between keyboards and the microphone only stopping to fish out extra instruments from a plastic bag. A xylophone melodica and radio are quickly included into the setup, but all these are surpassed when Max whips out his Gameboy and whilst announcing “This is a track off the new Coldplay album” proceeds to play Hilted, a hybrid between the music from Tetris and a country and western techno stormer. It’s sheer genius.

Occasionally joining Ben on stage is his sister Becky to sing on Lysine (a love song about amino acids) and closing track Labial which ends up seeing the pair run around the stage in a Benny Hill style whilst the music reaches its climax and the strobe lights pulsate. A fittingly daft ending to a manic, but ultimately excellent gig.

Andy Parsons

WHILST SOME people may familiar with Mr Scruff through his excellent own material (The catchy jazz number Get A Move On and bonkers kids tv sampling Fish in particular), he has developed a fearsome reputation as a dj, touring incessantly, often playing 5 hour sets and running his own night in several cities (Keep It Unreal). Tonight is no exception as Andy brings his dj tour to Cardiff promoting his new Trouser Jazz album with a five hour set.

Andy’s DJ sets have no rules and no restrictions apart from “keep ‘em dancing and keep it funky”. He mixes the styles and tempo’s superbly, playing old school hip hop one moment and classic soul the next. By the time he drops Public Enemy’s Rebel Without A Pause the dancefloor is rammed and the crowd go wild for it. Andy slyly mixes in his own new material such as the smooth Sweetsmoke and old favourites like Spandex Man in with James Brown breaks and the legendary MC Pitman (a lancashire miner who raps new versions of hip hop tracks with VERY funny disses).

The final hour see’s Scruff playing some old school house puzzling some of the breakdancers, but a resounding finish with some quality Two-tone leaves everyone skanking and thoroughly satisfied. A real crowd pleaser and a superb night out.

Andy Parsons

Portuguese Men Of War

Music

Photo:John Poutney

MISS BLACK America is a great band name.

It suggests glamour, experimentation and political fury, and hints at the involvement of an eponymous exotic beauty. Therefore, MBA frontman Seymour Glass - a posturing, faintly ridiculous figure whose life’s ambition can be summed up in the name Richey Edwards - is something of a disappointment.

The Martini Henry Rifles also have a great band name, but happily they live up to their alcohol-and-violence-inspired moniker. Speeding through a barrage of taut, rhythmic punk anthems - not so much songs as guided missiles - they stamp their imprint into the night in excellent branding iron stylee.

Clothing gimmicks and garage punk outfits seem to fit hand in glove these days: following the red/white/black colour scheme and black-and-white suits, however, comes a band whose reputation suggests a somewhat Holly Valance-esque attitude towards all items of clothing. Disappointingly, The Parkinsons don’t get naked tonight, but a manic, intermittently brilliant set of musical exhibitionism - The Stooges with a Portuguese accent, an idea of innate genius - is more than enough consoltion.

The Parkinsons:touching moments Alex Macpherson

live

THE PARKINSONS / MARTINI HENRY RIFLES / MISS BLACK AMERICA Barfly

06

usicsingles

GRiP Martin Grech: Genius

The D4 Get Loose Flying Nun/Infectious

vocals. A fun, catchy debut single.Bill Cummings

ANOTHER BAND to be swept to potential greatness by the garage punk revival, New Zealand’s The D4 have been touring and promoting their 6twenty album virtually all summer, and they’re still at it. Get Loose is a two short minutes of the kind of ball busting rock ‘n roll that god invented music for. Like the Hives but better, I imagine Gareth Gates would get a nose bleed from listening to this. Rob J

Epic UNFORTUNATELY A rather expected disappointment, Positivity really reflects the second class Suede that has come into being. Admittedly still fantastic live, but the recorded material in the last few years has been nothing more than a dreary and vacant dirge. And this does little to alter opinion.

Having said that it is not offensive, perhaps, in fact just a bit too nice. Go back to dreaming of heroine, boys. Lucy Cook

✰✰✰THE COGNITION Gettin’ Messy EP Full On Entertainment

SPECTACULARLY MEDIOCRE indie-rock fare from four blokes who look like builders and who appear to be trying to ape the Red Hot Chili Peppers. This EP boasts piss-poor artwork, the worst lyrics this side of Dolores O’Riordan and nothing else. At all.

Alex Macpherson

✰

SUGAR COMA Zerostar Music for Nations

MARTIN GRECH Open Heart Zoo Interscope LEXUS CAR ad links aside, this truly is an astonishingly beautiful track. Melancholic strings back up soaring vocals filled with a blend of intense yet angelic choir boy highs and Thom Yorke-esque snarls. Listening to this song really does feel like a spiritual experience, but also makes you feel a little uneasy with its looming dark edge. And at all of 19 years old, we should hopefully be hearing a lot more from this musical wizz-kid Gemma Jones

✰✰✰✰✰

✰

ANITA LANE Do That Thing Mute

JAMES YORKSTON AND THE ATHLETES Tender to the Blues Domino JAMES YORKSTON tells a tale of tender heartbreak on this quiet gentle folk track that melds acoustic guitars, strings, and lovelourn country vocals. The problem is Yorkston’s isn’t vocally or musically as convincing as his obvious influence Nick Drake, thus this song becomes a dull and average pastiche of folk classics.

Bill Cummings

✰✰

THE STROKES Someday Rough Trade

SUEDE Positivity

✰✰

THE LIBERTINES Up the Bracket Rough Trade THIS IS Brilliant! Coming from the Paul Weller School of ‘let’s see how many words we can possibly fit into three minutes’, it bounces along like The Replacements at their best. Sounding uncannily like The Jam and reeking of dingy London, damp walls and ambiguous sexual encounters has never seemed so attractive.

Maria Thomas

✰✰✰✰

THE CORAL Dreaming Of You Deltasonic THE LATEST release from The Coral’s debut album, sounds like it was placed in deep freeze storage back in the 60’s and un-frozen at a suitable time in the future.

I.e. Now. The song has an almost sea-faring feel to it (as does most of the album), with Captain Birdseye vocalisations and mellow guitaring, which reeks of cheesiness of the Cheddar variety. Tim Carne

✰✰

THAT THIS second single from Lane’s Sex O’ Clock album will probably only be bought by Nick Cave completists adds to its general incestousness. As a longtime squeeze of the Count Duckula lookalike, Lane has returned with regular contributor, Mick Harvey, of The Bad Seeds. Really, Harvey’s brilliant backing and orchestration is the main recommendation. Do That Thing features funky lasciviousness quite admirable in a middle aged woman, with much single entendres concerning sugar and spoons. It comes (sorry) complete with a sweet ballad of a b-side to bring your juices back to normal. Not at all essential but really quite fun.

Nick McDonald

✰✰✰

SOMEDAY THE Strokes will get a bad review. This isn’t it. The fourth single from Is This It is released as Julian Casablancas and his gang return fresh from headlining the Carling Weekender. Kicking off with a trademark Strokes riff and a great hookline, Someday looks set to replicate the success of Hard to explain and Last nite and Crash into the higher reaches of the naughty 40.

Gareth Thomas

✰✰✰

AFTER A series of set-backs resulting in the late release of Zerostar, you’re left wondering whether it was really worth the wait. Forsaking their previous growls for would-be melodic vocals, the result sounds like a drunken show-down between Hole and Natalie Imbruglia. Despite the seductive music and cascading bass-lines, the result is a bland and uninspiring effort.

Becky Wedlake

✰✰✰

THE BANDITS The Warning B-Unique THE BANDITS are another new group to emerge from the Liverpool scene that includes amongst others the Coral, and the Crescent . This single resembles the soundtrack to a Mexican spaghetti western and chugs along with brash guitars and characteristic scouse

Sugarcoma:Simply Shit

MERCURY MUSIC PRIZE COMPETITION AN IMPORTANT year for musical change and excellence was signalled by the 12 Albums of the Year that were shortlisted for the 2002 Panasonic Mercury Music Prize this year.

HALF THE shortlist comprised of debut albums, heralding the emergence of significant new talents across a whole range of musical styles. Among the newcomers were the young rock bands Electric Soft Parade with Holes in the Wall and The Coral with their self-titled first album. Other debuts include The Streets’ Original Pirate Material, Night on My Side by Irish singer Gemma Hayes; and this year’s winner Ms. Dynamite’s A Little Deeper.

HERE’S YOUR chance to win 1 of 5 copies of the Mercury Music Prize Album by simply telling us:

Who was the first female solo artist to win the Mercury Music Prize?

Email your answers to: gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com and the 5 winners will be drawn from a hat

07

GRiP

Single of the Fortnight DJ SHADOW Six Days (remix feat. Mos Def) Mo Wax/Island

W

HILST THE debate rages whether Shadow’s 2nd album The Private Press is up to the same genre breaking standards of his debut Endtroducing, the man known to his mum as Josh Davis releases a breathtaking remix that should silence any dissenters.

Taking the haunting vocals of the original

Six Days Shadow resamples his own harder beats from the rest of the album, turning the previously psychedelic folk track into a topical hard edged antiwar protest. The addition of Mos Def’s guest vocals just help to elevate this remix to the status of instant classic. “Tomorrow never comes till it’s too late” warns the lyrics. Better buy it today then.

DJ shadow looking er..shady.

Andy Parsons

Dark Days...

ASHTON LANE Yesterday’s Too Late Chrysalis AH, ANOTHER girl with a guitar getting emotional about something! It sounds like every other female singer and it could have come from the soundtrack for Dawson’s Creek, but if it’s pappy music that you like, then you’ll like this.

Kate Shaw

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INME Firefly Music for Nations FOLLOWING ON the heels of debut single Underdose, Firefly has a torrent of brassy guitaring, a pounding drum beat, and also Dave McPhersons inability to decide whether he should sing like a choir-boy, or shout like a mean-assed wolverine. At times the vocals sound cheap and nasty, but all in all its one

Happy Valley is good, but easily a minute too long with wanky solos, screeching and clapping !?! Listen to Guns and Roses a lot when growing up people?

Everyone Loves Stars immediately sounds more promising with a catchy riff that leads to a brightly predictable chorus. The slower tempo and cheesy backing singing take us back to an era of glitter, feathers and sparkly platforms.

Released just after the 25th anniversary of Marc Bolan’s death it could be considered a fitting tribute.

Rachael Howarth

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LEMON JELLY Space Walk Impotent Fury/XL THE WELCOME return of Lemon Jelly is heralded by this lovely piece of mellow ambience. Whilst not a million miles away form their previous work (make delicious music

and lace it delicately with silly samples) when the mixture works so well, why change it?

The single is worth picking up for the sublime packaging alone, but funky b-side Return To Patagonia is another excellent reason to get it. As the spaceman says “It’s just beautiful!”

Andy Parsons

✰✰✰✰ 209 Bitch Bohemian

209 ARE a rap crew, their image of a male gang trying so hard to look credible, is not helped by the fact that one of them resembles Vanilla Ice. The single Bitch is a predictable rap/metal tale of a violent female involved in a domestic. Its poor-fare served up by a group searching for that big “limp biscuit” crossover hit.

Bill Cummings

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of InMe’s better songs.

Tim Carne

EMI AT THE moment there is a lot of catchy dancy type stuff and Days go by is no different. It is typically repetitive but actually quite good. It’s easy to listen to and easy to dance to, just don’t expect anything intellectually challenging!

Kate Shaw

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GOLD CHAINS Gold Chains EP PIAS RIGHTLY RE-RELEASED so we can all get hold of it, this is the excellent debut EP from San Francisco’s Gold Chains.

Mixing superfine raps and pulsating techno beats Gold Chains sets his sights high and despite his uncanny resemblance to Penfold, manages to produce some of the freshest alternative hip hop around.

Andy Parsons

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FULC The Fallen EP Stunted THE EP opens with the dark and powerful Nest whose unexpected time-changes and rasping vocals rival those of Bush and Helmet. Fulc combine the heavy rock influences of new-age grunge, and nu-metal in a surprisingly refreshing way, whilst the acoustic Broken hints at the versatility of the band.

Although Backroom Surgery could be mistaken for an outtake from Bleach, what Fulc lack in originality, they make up for with their energy and super-charged riffs.

Becky Wedlake

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NAMELESS The Salt Flats Petrified

JJ72 Formulae Lakota

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BIG BROVAZ Nu Flow Epic

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DNA DOLL Happy Valley / Everyone Loves Stars Marshmallow

JJ72: Anyone else notice Hilary’s scary hands?

BLATANTLY COPYING the style of Outcast does not immediately guarantee you their success. Neither does copying a technique used by So Solid Crew and Blazing Squad – having as many members as possible.

Don’t believe any hype about this song - the irritatingly catchy tune does not make up for how pants it is!

Kate Shaw

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BEN KWELLER Wasted and Ready ATO QUIRKY SECOND single from ex-Radish poptart Ben Kweller. This is breezy guitarpop at its best (think Evan Dando on a happier day), you can’t help but like this song and muse over its oxymoronic gabblings about being wasted yet ready and wonder how sex can possibly remind someone of eating spaghetti (?!)

Confusing yet utterly enjoyable. A boy destined to make everything seem that little bit better.

Gemma Jones

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BOWLING FOR SOUP Girl All The Bad Guys Want Music for Nations IT SEEMS like all these new grungy groups are having a competition to come up with stupid names – and Bowling for Soup are definite contenders for the title. The lyrics are honest and simple and the tune is too damn catchy! Don’t be surprised if it sticks in your head all day!

Kate Shaw

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AVRIL LAVIGNE Complicated Arista/Bmg DEBUT SINGLE from America’s latest offering of sugar-pop teenage temptresses, except this time the girl actually has talent (shock horror!). Granted she does qualify as a walking ‘Alternative’ guys Barbie Doll, but you also can’t fail to notice her sweet tunes and excellent vocals.

Complicated looks set to launch Lavigne sky high and this time the admiration is truly justified.Gemma Jones

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MEAT Catamite’s Revenge Gates Of Hades ACCORDING TO the press release – written on parchment, better to catch a jaded journalist’s eye – Meat were formed as a result of frontman Dagda Sevit’s dream of forming a “nonthreatening death metal band”. Meat don’t disappoint.

Riffs rumble ominously before exploding in atonal cacophany, as if formed from smelted iron in an 18th century workhouse in Barnsley. Meat: it’s tha joint!

Noel Gardner

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Music

THOSE CHEEKY leprechauns have been fairly quiet since the success of their debut album oh so many years ago, but hurrah, they’re back.

Formulae is full of epic indie niceness that could be an enjoyable listen if the singer didn’t sound like Celine Dion being Thom Yorke on Stars in their eyes. On a plus side though I like the bassist, she’s nice.

Rob J

PICK OF THE REST

singles

50 SECONDS into The Salt Flats Nameless’ singer barks like a dog, presumable caught up in the sheer joy of the filthy racket his band sprint through.

It’s a racket as filthy as any of the other noise-mongers who are proving that loud really is soooo much better than quiet.

And local too? Nameless you spoil us.

Jamie Fullerton

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DOUBLE A-SIDES worry me and this one shows predictive indecisiveness.

DIRTY VEGAS Days Go By

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PICK OF Album of the Fortnight THE REST I LOW Trust Rough Trade

THE 80’S MATCHBOX BLINE DISASTER Horse Of The Dog No Death Records THIS IS the debut album from Brighton's latest export. Horse of the Dog, includes the wonderful Celebrate Your Mother with such inspirational lyrics as “I wanna fuck your mother! Its a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it well!”.

You could be forgiven for thinking that it’s actually Iggy who’s bawling out the lyrics, in between some wonderful riffs which are reminiscent of the Stones. At just under 30 minutes long the album obviously seems to fly by, and you’re left wondering what to do in the next 20 minutes to fill the void... The pub is obviously calling.

Tim Carne

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NIGHTMARES ON WAX Mind Elevation Warp Records MORE LAZY grooves and funky beats from Leeds based genius George Evelyn and his Nightmares on Wax crew.

Tracks such as Know My Name and Environment seep an Aretha Franklin-esque soul vibe, Bleu My Mind loops cheesy 70’s easy listening orchestral samples and there’s a political edge courtesy of the slow ska-reggae 70’s 80’s.

Bright and full of relaxed energy, it’s just a shame that Mind Elevation has only caught the end of the summer, but it’ll be ideal when the rainy season moves back to Cardiff.

Put it on, shut your eyes and just pretend.

Rob Jackson

✩✩✩✩ GOLDRUSH Don’t Bring Me Down Virgin NEWCOMERS TO the big league, Goldrush, show their worth and a little bit extra with this charming new offering.

Acoustic, folk music rarely sounds as good and well produced as this, especially on the whirling Let you down and the slightly more upbeat Landscape and Bright eyes.

“Bright eyes burning bright, the night is young and it’s on your side.” The album overall is highly reminiscent of the likes of the Gorky’s, so if you’re guaranteed to like Goldrush, with their tender vocals, gentle strings and harmony-ridden tunes.

Gemma Jones

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T SEEMS like Low have got a magical touch when it comes to making albums. Their last five outings have all been breathtakingly beautiful lessons in love and loss, a trend which Trust follows perfectly. The decision not to work this time with Steve Albini (often seen as Low’s perfect producer) was seen by some as a worrying sign, but under the steady hand of Tom Herbers, everyone’s favourite Mormons have blossomed into an even more wonderful band.

The first signs of change are on Canada which is a riotous

fuzzfest that would almost be more associated with the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and is practically upbeat.

Last Snowstorm Of The Year is a stunning waltz that spirals higher and higher whilst the band almost become the Carpenters on La La La Song; Alan singing ”Sometimes I could just choke myself with laugher...”.

Not that fans of the band’s old style will be disappointed, each song is a fragile gem to be treasured, nearly all surpassing the high standards of Secret Name or Curtain Hits The Cast.

Maybe its the haunting melodies they use or the sorrowful but weighty intertwining of Alan and Mimi’s

voices or even the space between the instruments which often means more than the notes (just ask Joy Division) which makes their records sound so special. Perhaps

High and Almighty THE SHINING True Skies Zuma

THE CRESCENT The Crescent Hut

YOU’LL KNOW them as the ex-Verve Simons new band, so you’ll be expecting waves of euphoric melody seeping into your heart like those produced

by Wigan’s finest at their peak.

You won’t get it though.

Interestingly (or not) The Shining pursue Britpop fantasies with the Liam-a-like Duncan Baxter at the helm, and to be fair opener Quicksilver’s Zeppy riffs induce a decent amount of swagger and grit, and Young Again nearly reaches it’s target as a swooping epic.

Elsewhere though only I Wonder How displays any of the psychedelic brilliance of the Simons former employers, a flare in a swamp of muddy dirge. Not to worry though, Dickie Ashcroft’s new album is just around the corner.

Jamie Fullerton

The Crescent were originally lined up to be the elusive smack head Lee Mather’s (former Las genius) and Christ you can tell. Here is a band more than content to scoff their native Liverpool’s musical heritage then stick their fingers down their collective throats.

Which of course would be fantastic if they could regurgitate any of the effortless melody of The Beatles or The Las but alas, on their debut album all they manage to retch up are the fundamental sounds of these pioneers, verse-heavy, often raising expectations with jangly build-up that’s never consolidated with a killer chorus. Which lets face it, you can’t get very far without.

Jamie Fullerton

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FUGIYA & MIYAGI Electro Karaoke In The Negative Massive Advance INTERESTING NAME, it’s just a shame that the laid back electronic grooves from duo Steve Lewis and David Best lack any kind of punch. A proficient and well produced album, Electro Karaoke In The Negative never drops into the realms of mind numbingly boring, but the songs always seem to leave you wanting just a little more.

The seven minutes of gently undulating guitar and plodding beats of stand out track Electro Karaoke seems bizarrely reminiscent of a quiet mogwai moment, but still lacks an edge of genius. Accomplished but ultimately bland electro chill-out wallpaper.

Rob Jackson

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VARIOUS ARTISTS Zoo Twisted Nerve I DOUBT that any other record label than Twisted Nerve would have the audacity or sense of humour to put out a concept compilation album at the moment, let alone one about animals, but here are 16 tracks dedicated to the different creatures of the world. Prize beasts on show include Andy Votel’s The Polar Bear Attacks featuring psycho-esque string stabs and a roaring bear, Little Miss Trinitron’s wittily titled Birds Of Canada and Badly Drawn Boy’s delightful tribute to the two headed llama is Dr Doolittle Push Me/Pull You. With most of the Twisted Nerve roster involved this is a pretty essential purchase for anyone interested in good varied music, though Andy Votel’s monkey screams on Ape Shit may be a bit much for some people.

Andy Parsons

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Badly Drawn Boy: Two headed llama not pictured.

it’s just the fact that Low know hat less is often more and sometimes so much more that it breaks your heart.

Andy Parsons

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Low:a laugh a minute

SLOVO Nommo Rufflife records NOMMO IS an experimental offering from Slovo, fronted by former Faithless guitarist, Dave Randall. Nommo (the West African tradition of naming problems to establish control over them) is a collection of ambient new-world music, combining the poetic with the political. It fuses traditional beliefs with the contemporary forms of expression, raising questions about the world we are living in.

Whilst its political orientation might not be to everybody’s taste, this is an adventurous and uplifting album.

Becky Wedlake

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09 DIRTY VEGAS Dirty Vegas EMI Records DIRTY VEGAS recorded this album as “a bit of a laugh”... And it shows in mind boring tracks as Throwing Shapes, and The Brazilian (which should frankly be extradited back to Brazil for its ability to cause headaches), but in other tracks such as Days Go By (which has been played relentlessly in the US on a car advert) and Ghosts, they show that they took themselves seriously... sometimes.

This album features soft, subtle vocals on all the songs, and you could be excused for thinking that David Gray lent his vocal talent, and in the song Lost Not Found you’ll find a thumping bassline to rival Daft Punk. Add this to a mind boggling rendition of Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in a Wall and you have an album where the good outweighs the bad.

Tim Carne

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MEDICINE8 Iron Stylings Regal FULL ON beats, quirky samples and beepy bits, Medicine8’s Iron Stylings is a foot tapping dance-fest of large proportions. Behind track titles such as Ape Don’t Kill Ape and Junior Aspirin lurks some computer vocal laden, hands in the air, ‘uplifting’ dance music of the

NADA SURF Let Go Heavenly THE EVER lovely Nada Surf return with a more mature sounding album but still fiercely maintain their kooky edge (for those of you worried they may have gone all Rem-esque on us), in particular on the foot stomping The way you wear your head which screams “Dance to me!” and the peculiar Fruit fly. This is the perfect album for waving goodbye to the summer, with its mixture of timid introspection (“I wanna know what it’s like on the inside of love”) and adrenaline pumping hits. An awesome all round album, definitely worth investing in.

Gemma Jones

✩✩✩✩ JAMES YORKSTON AND THE ATHLETES Moving Up Country Domino

unchallenging but not completely unentertaining variety.

I imagine this is what people who take lots of pills, dance to in places like Vision and Evolution, but having never been, I wouldn’t really know. Probably a good one to listen to should you be getting ready to big it up on a night out.

Rob Jackson

✩✩✩ FATBOY SLIM Big Beach Boutique II Southern Fried Records IF YOU listen closely, you’ll possibly be able to hear the sound of lots of people being crushed to death; the extended safety warnings tacked on to the end of the set seem faintly ironic in the light of the tragedy which occurred even as Fatboy Slim mixed light, populist beats into, well, more light, populist beats.

There’s nothing much else to do for the duration of the mix, anyway. What always made Norman Cook so fab was his ability to get anybody anywhere to shake their booty, but here it’s all too predictable and, frankly, really rather dull.

Only the slinky soul of Static Revenger’s Long Time and the All Saints’ mighty Pure Shores manage to provide some uplift. two stars Annie Sprinkle

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Scottish folk songs, but in a style and with a passion that means after a couple of listens you find this album is on heavy rotation on your stereo. Current single Tender To The Blues is a perfect example of James’ fine songwriting ability, a healthy mixture of Nick Drake, downtempo Doves and Papa M. Perfect with a drop of scotch to warm you up on a cold winter’s evening.

Andy Parsons

Fatboy Slim: Years of excess had taken their toll on Norman’s tongue...

TEX LA HOMA Dazzle Me With Transcience Superglider records

delightful package.

Thanked on the sleeve, Her Space Holiday’s influence, or at the very least similarity is deeply noticable. Both deal with a radiant lo-fi perspective; something to counterbalance the new punk-noise that is ever present in the music industry at the moment. The particular style of grounded instrumental asides and quiet and subtle male vocal, Tex La Homa strikes a near perfect balance between loose rolling arrangement and tuneful engagement.

Described as listening to ‘radio waves from space’ the enveloping sound of tracks such as Feel Tied Down plays on this slightly off-kelter edginess. Actually deeply repetitive, because of its low-key, mild mannered structure of near whispered vocals and a backdrop of simplistic lushness there is something uncommonly endearing about it.

Instrumental track Never Gonna Go Away nestles within the album; a celebration of the introspective noise without any spoken detractions, but it is the quality of Launch and Good Luck that embraces the nicities proper: Glaring, uncomplicated chill-out music.

Lucy Jones

TEX LA Homa, AKA Matt Shaw, has been joined by his friends on this album. And it is this kind of simple intimacy that makes Dazzle Me With Transience such a

THE LEVELLERS Green Blade Rising Eagle Records

but very enjoyable bag.

Adam Corner

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MARAH Float Away With the Friday Night Gods Epic

✩✩✩✩ MY COMPUTER Vulnerabilia 13 Amp BANDS EQUALLY at home on the dance floor as being piped over Ikea shop floors are ten-a-penny, just check out the chillout section in your friendly HMV. Leering at you from a position of superiority above this pile though are My Computer, and they’ve come for your vocoder.

Squelching and dissolving its way through 11 tracks, Vulnerabilia takes in Daft Punk, Spiritualized, (inevitably) Zero 7 and what sounds like a Rod Stewart out-take in If you Dare. Rope is Stardust with soul, whilst single Vulnerabilia provides probably the emotional high point of the album in the resigned repetition of “How did it ever get to be this way?” Mix in a few theatrical Muse-esq flourishes and some sharp beats and you’ve got a very mixed

FLOAT AWAY With the Friday Night Gods’ is the third offering from Marah The opening track ‘Float’ is not unlike a b-side Oasis track and sets the theme for the rest of the album. The music is generally upbeat and easy to listen to with vocals likened to Creedence and Guided by Voices. The lyrics are mediocre as are the guitar riffs. Despite the obvious influences of Springsteen and Weller, this album is unremarkable background music.

Rebecca Wedlake

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The Levellers: Bloody crusties - “Get off my Land! Get the Gun, Get the Dog!”

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Music

AHH THE long forgotten yet unmistakable sound of The Levellers. With hits such as Dog Train firmly in the past it is hard to imagine that they will ever find chart success again. The album is twee and overly melancholy. At best you could cite them as a mild influence to The Corrs, if only for the instrumental passages, at worst it sounds like a bad soundtrack for an old western. Dolly Parton would certainly not feel out of place here.

The backing vocals on Wild As Angels are surely the Jim’ll Fix It theme tune and as Pretty Target launches me into the Smells Like Teen Spirit riff (bad country fashion) I’ve more than had enough.

Looks like this particular dog train left them way behind.

Rachael Howarth

albums

WHILST THE scene they called the New Acoustic Movement may have died on its loafers, there are still bands ploughing the furrow of gentle, acoustic folk music.

James Yorkston and his band The Athletes (not to be confused with indie chancers Athlete) purvey the finest old

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10 Confessions of an art ignoramus...........

DATES FOR OUR ARTYASS DIARIES Check out the following expected highlights in the arts world this term...

MEMENTO at g39 – Welsh artists David Garner and Sara Rees have transformed the gallery into a meditation on memory, loss and death. Expect an intellectual workout from one of Cardiff’s most consistently intelligent and daring galleries.

A VIEW FROM THE BRIDGE at the New Theatre – Catch Arthur Miller’s 1955 masterpiece. The tense Italian-American play runs from 1st-5th October. Arts Desk did this for GCSE, but the story of Eddie Carbone’s downfall and great “Noo Yoik” Brooklyn accent still lingers in our minds. Class.

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or years a Wassily Kandinksy poster has graced the walls of my bedroom. I bought it for one English pound when I was about fifteen. I was acting on what I hoped was a burst of artistic awareness, intending to give my room a much needed injection of culture, a symbolic departure from the dross I usually saw when I woke up every morning. I’ve since looked at this not so priceless work of art so many times I reckon I could draw (some of) it from memory. When I haven’t got my contacts in or if I’m a bit squiffy, it looks like a bizarre Bart Simpson hologram.

It basically consists of a collection of geometric shapes,

It’s the sort of art I can relate to. Nice and simple.

So for a while I’ve harboured a sort of naïve affinity with good old Wassily Kandinsky.

Whenever I’ve seen a similar painting I’ve nodded sagely and said “Ah yes, why that must be the work of……” in the hope that I sound vaguely knowledgable. I might even mention the term ‘abstract’ if I felt daring. It was a rather sad attempt at giving myself some credibility as an art appreciator.

When, in fact, I realised that abstract art is incredibly popular and is a fixture in many homes, not least those of happy go lucky students, I congratulated myself on my good taste but was a bit put out.

It seems Kandinsky had been a busy boy before he decided to use the contents of his pencil case seemingly piled on top of each other, points sticking out at odd angles and lots of pretty colours. That’s what I like about it I suppose – the pretty colours. It’s quite a girly thing to say I know. Not very arty or intelligent. But it’s a fantastic painting nonetheless, and the reason I like it so much is because of Kandinsky’s use of bold, bombastic colours and the fact that it looks as though he’s just used a compass and a ruler and filled in the gaps.

Perhaps I’ve been looking for a way to redeem myself ever since. Well, this summer I had my chance. Finding myself in Munich, a most agreeable city full of beer gardens, beer halls and other beer related establishments bursting at the seams with beer swilling potbellied Germans, I located a museum that promised to house one of the biggest collections of Kandinsky’s work in the world. I could hardly contain my excitement. Now I

could feast my eyes on a plethora of colourful creations.

Maybe I could take my contacts out and see other cartoon characters cleverly hidden in as yet unseen geometrical crevices.

When we arrived at Lenbachhaus, a beautiful Bavarian villa in the centre of Munich, I was in for a nasty surprise. It seems Kandinsky had been a busy boy before he decided to use the contents of his pencil case. I was forced to endure painting after painting of mushy impressionist work, supposedly tracing his progression towards abstract paradise, before I found the stuff I was looking for. And even then there were only a few of them.

I shouldn’t really complain.

The paintings we saw were incredible. An abundance of colour and the sense that this guy was totally and utterly nuts. I was transfixed, put in my place, and a bit sneaky.

While my friends were off somewhere else, I took a covert look at a book conveniently to hand on Kandinsky and his work. I then conducted a mini-tour of the museum for my chums, revelling in their wonder at my huge knowledge and acute aesthetic sensitivity. They are still none the wiser. And my own personal journey towards artistic fulfilment continues...

Elizabeth Jones

TONY HAWKS: ONE HIT WONDERLAND at the Sherman Theatre – The globe-trotting comedian and author of Beating the Moldovans at Tennis recounts his quest to have a Top 20 single somewhere in the world. His adventures involved Norman Wisdom and Albania but sadly not much skateboarding. 2nd October.

5000 CALLS at the River Taf – Now this sounds interesting: thousands of recorded human voices, from panting dancers to Vietnamese chants, will be broadcast along the riverside from 7am – 7pm from 14th October until 3rd November. The idea is to create an aural landscape celebrating all of humanity. Sound ambitious, but that’s how we like it here at Arts Desk.

STAND-UP COMEDY at Students’ Union – October 1st sees comedy master Rob Deering gracing our humble city.

On the 8th we get Noel Britten to tickle our ribs.

THE PLAY WHAT I WROTE at the New Theatre Shakespearean beardstroker Kenneth Brannagh takes an unexpected career direction and directs this affectionate homage to comedy heroes Morecambe and Wise. Should be funny as hell, and the line up of past stars reads like a Who’s Who of British actors: Ralph Fiennes, Ewan McGregor, Ian Mckellan, Richard E Grant and, er... Sting.

Bobby D: Italian American

CORPSE BLIMEY!

BODYWORLDS Brick Lane, London

Jones’ first experience of Kandinski was to put his paintings up in her bedroom, but I don’t feel quite the same way about Professor Gunter Hagen’s Bodyworlds exhibition.

The brilliantly creepy German scientist (who, just like in the movies, wears black leather from head to foot) discovered a cunning yet troubling way of preserving human corpses by filling them up with liquid plastic.

Having done this he peels off their skin, puts them in odd poses and travels around the world showing them to people. So far, so freaky.

The resulting exhibition successfully divides its critics.

Many people think its morals are dubious and they may have a point in the section displaying a cross section of a pregnant woman and her baby, but on the whole it seems that our open-minded European friends are queuing up

around the block to sign their bodies away for the exhibition. Controversy aside it’s all surprisingly thoughtprovoking Each body has been deconstructed to emphasise a different aspect of the human body: some compare blackened smokers’ lungs with healthy non-smoking ones, one man has been stretched to ten feet tall, and another is cut into thin slices so you can see exactly where everything goes. There are even glass cases displaying damaged organs which make sure you leave the exhibition vowing never to smoke or drink ever again.

On the other hand, some exhibits take more artistic liberties. One man holds his own skin in front of him as if he was hanging up his coat, and another finds himself reconstructed as a winged angel. Surprisingly they don’t smell or drip or rot. In fact they’re clean and if you were to touch them (naughty me) you’d find them strangely plastic-y.

Arty types seem to find the exhibition quite scientific while sciency types find it more arty:

Bodyworlds blurs the line between the two.

The selfcongratulating

Professor Hagen himself sees the show in the tradition of Leonardo da Vinci’s art/science explorations.

While it isn’t quite in Leo’s league yet, the Arts Desk verdict is that it’s pretty damn interesting.

Mat Croft

Dead swordsman: Hung like a corpse

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gair rhydd

My Little Eye Marc Evans is one of Wales’ most respected filmmakers and to celebrate the release of his new film My Little Eye, which is released on the 4th October, Chapter Arts Centre are hosting a week long homage to the legendary director.

joining party Wednesday 2nd October @ 7.00pm in Solus all welcome

As well as showing some of Marc’s favourite films Chapter are also screening some of his own and details can be found below or by ringing Chapter on 029 2030 4400.

Evan’s himself will host a special screening of My Little Eye at 6.15pm on Saturday 5th October and will take part in an on stage interview and question and answer session afterwards. The screening will be followed by a club event featuring DJs from London and Cardiff. See the Get There pages in gair rhydd for a chance to win free tickets.

Special Screenings of Marc Evans Films House of America-Fri 4th Oct A dysfunctional Welsh family dream of life in America Beautiful Mistake-Sat 5th Oct A musically and visually stunning documentary featuring Welsh bands such as Catatonia, Super Furry Animals and Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci Resurrection Man-Mon 7th Oct Set in Belfast in the 70’s this violent thriller is bound to impress

Check out the next issue for a review of My Little Eye and an interview with Marc Evans.

The Sweet Smell of Success SWEET SIXTEEN

RELEASED: OCT 4th CERTIFICATE: 18 RUNNING TIME: 106 mins CAST Martin Compston: Liam Willliam Ruane: Pinball AnnMarie Fulton: Chantelle Michelle Abercromby: Suzanne Michelle Coulter: Jean

M

ost films that deal with gritty realism and attempt to document the lives of normal people are usually dismissed as being overly dull, preachy or idealistic.

For nearly half a decade Ken Loach has become associated with British leftwing filmmaking, and has had many successes with films that are totally uncommercial.

He seems to be able to capture people’s lives in such a sensitive way, without giving in to commercialism, that audiences can identify with his work.

With his new film, Sweet Sixteen, he turns his attention to the trials of

As with all Ken Loach productions the commitment to realism is impeccable.

His actor’s performances seem so natural that it’s difficult to remember that they are actually acting.

Loach’s ‘invisible’ documentary style captures the true essence of his characters. Martin Compston’s breathtaking acting debut as the troubled teenager Liam cannot be faulted.

Mirroring Billy Casper’s devotion to his pet kestrel in Kes, Liam’s raw emotion, determination and loyalty to his mother make him one of the most complex of recent characters, his performance similar to Robert De Niro’s powerful debut as the dysfunctional Johnny Boy in

Scorsese’s Mean Streets.

And that is no mean feat.

Keep an eye out for this valuable find. Neil Blain

FINAL WORD Once again Ken Loach strikes gold with a bittersweet tragedy driven by colloquial humour, drama and emotion.

Although Sweet Sixteen may not be for everyone, it’s mixture of stark realism, impeccable acting, intensity of drama and attention to social concern will appeal to those attempting to escape the mindless blockbusters of the summer.

Film

As a sixteen year old adolescent bought up on an unforgiving Glaswegian estate, with a mother in jail, an abusing grandfather, and a stepfather who forces him to deal drugs, Liam and his best friend Pinball have few prospects. In a desperate attempt to provide for his mother, Liam’s natural resourcefulness slowly draws him to Scotland’s criminal underground.

review

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Dir.: Ken Loach Scr.: Paul Laverty

being a youngster growing up on a harsh, crime ridden Scottish estate.

As he did over forty years ago in Kes, Loach sympathetically portrays a paradoxical youngster, virtually unloved, troubled and with no hope of escaping his tragic situation, but simultaneously emphasises the love, spirit and hope that the young boy possesses.

Loach is no unrealistic left winger, and Sweet Sixteen, as its name ironically suggests, is without idealistic pretensions that Liam and Pinball can release themselves from poverty simply by reading a book.

Loach concentrates on displaying their wasted potential to emphasise the tragedy of their situation.

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Leafing through Cardiff N

OW THAT you have embarked upon a course of study in the noble institution that is University College, Cardiff, you’ll be in need of something to help you with your studies.

Unfortunately, the rest of gair rhydd has already deigned to advise you on the best music, arts, sports, food and alcohol that’s out there, leaving Books with nothing but, well...books.

Let’s face it, you can only go so far with your lecture notes, particularly if you were hung over whilst making them and wrote them in a sort of code - initialised references that condemn great thinkers to eternal anonymity, entire schools of thought wiped out by a slip of the pen - if you don’t recognise this, you soon will.

Unfortunately, the lovely people with the supply of textbooks are working for The Man, and you can very quickly find yourself overpriced by a chiselling smudger keen on a fast profit. With this in mind, Books gives a lowdown on the best value bookshops in town (well, the parts of it that you’re most likely to visit).

1 Blackwell’s, The Union building It’s not exactly hard to find

6 Waterstone’s, The Hayes Pretty much self-explanatory.

You’ve all been to them, and in Cardiff we have two, handily located within spitting distance from each other. Occasionally they have student promotions, the current one being cult fiction at half price upon production of an NUS card, and money off popular science.

this one, being located at the back of the Union. As a bookshop it is redeemed only by its large selection of textbooks, which are more often than not unavailable elsewhere.

Unfortunately, they can be pricey, but they do have a second-hand section. The fiction section is quite solid, but could do with being less conservative.

2 Land of Green Ginger, Senghennydd Road (buys and sells) A truly fantastic place, and one of Cardiff’s best secondhand book dealers, Green Ginger also offers new paperbacks at a discounted price. Although there are always new arrivals on the shelves, after a quick browse most visitors get the distinct impression that some books have spent most of their published existence waiting around. This of course means that plenty of obscure bargains can be procured from an encyclopaedic range of subjects.

Green Ginger also sells CDs, videos and bric-a-brac, as does Robert’s Emporium on the other side of the road.Worth taking a gander in there too.

7 TSO (aka Oriel), St Mary’s Street This used to be Oriel, a Welshlanguage bookseller, but the corporate and business market seems to have taken over. I must confess that sources on this place are a bit of a grey area, although it appears that there’s still some Welsh material lurking in the background.

Caught on camera: DC Gates, disguised as Mrs. Pritchard, about to turn over another bookshop 3 Albany Books, Albany Road (buys and sells) Another terrific place to find second-hand reading matter.

Albany Books is especially good for fiction, with a large selection of crime, science fiction and the awesome ‘Recommended’ section. Once again the range is eclectic,

despite the snug surroundings - one occasion saw me walk away with a rare novel by Richard Brautigan, volume two of the Selected Works of Lenin, and The Waste Land.

The staff are extremely friendly, and will usually remember you from before, which is always pleasant.

4 Troutmark, Castle Arcade (buys and sells) Situated amidst the fashionable boutiques and cafes of the Castle Arcade, Troutmark provides a refreshing air of scruffiness (well, relatively – there aren’t many sightings of distressed denim therein), whilst its large window displays the many first editions and collectors’ items inside.

Although slightly pricier than its out-of-town fellows, the shop is spread over two floors - the basement houses a gargantuan collection of comics and magazines.

Unlike most other bookshops in Cardiff almost all the space in the shop is utilised, with stock piled up to the ceiling throughout. It’s worth scouring through the 50p ‘special’ rack outside, as I recently purchased William Burroughs’ The Western Lands in very good condition.

5 Oxfam Books, St Mary’s Street Only recently converted from a mainstream Oxfam shop, the onus here is principally mainstream fiction, as one might reasonably expect of an establishment reliant on donations. However, there is plenty to browse through in here, with a good history section and a variety of records and sheet music.

Those wishing to pursue an interest in printed music might do as well to visit Jacob’s Antiques Market, which has a couple of book stalls and a plentiful supply of sheet music, as well as the city’s many other music shops (although I suspect that this last point was rather self-evident).

8 Rebecca Books, Crwys Road (ish) Probably the most obscure item on the list, Rebecca (named after the nineteenthcentury toll-bar riots) is situated above the Trade Union Studies building, just off Crwys Road. It is the only admittedly socialist bookshop that I have come across in South Wales, and is voluntarily run – as a result, it is only open on Saturdays.

It has a great selection of left-wing writings, with good sections on Welsh and international history, and also caters for feminist and minority writing. It’s basically a charity shop, so the selection on offer will vary, but the prices are quite reasonable. Unless you’re a rabid Tory, there’s something here for everyone.

9 The Sports Bookshop, Morgan Arcade I must confess that I haven’t been in here yet, but I’m sure it does exactly what it says on the tin. It’s good to know that this place exists, as the representation of sports in the literary media has grown consistently through the years.

There is also a very good bookstall in the Central Market, which is perhaps the smallest genre-based shop I have ever seen. As well as the comics, thrillers and romance, there is a very good shelf of general fiction. It’s cheap, too.

Finally, within the network of the Morgan Arcade yet another second-hand bookshop can be found, although at the time of writing I cannot recall its name.

Possibly the only place I have seen with a ‘pre-1900’ section in the fiction department. They also buy and sell first editions.

Oh yes, I haven’t provided you with a map, and only the vaguest directions. That’s because none of the shops listed above are hard to find.

What’s more, by looking around for them you’ll get to see more of the city. Go on, it’ll be fun.. Open your eyes to the mean streets. In my day, folk used to have a sense of adventure. Kids these days, they don’t know they’re born...

DC Gates

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Monday 30 September ----------------> Friday 11 October

Four hours a week! Pah! Tune in here for your proper timetable, an essential guide to the next 12 days mostly non-essential viewing.

Weekone

Normally, TV Desk would never dream of previewing a programme such as GMTV (ITV1, Monday 7 October, 6:00am), one which allows the horrific Lorraine Kelly’s astonishingly fat arse to be shown on TV. But today is a very special day, for flamehaired goddess and greatest songwriter alive Tori Amos graces the GMTV sofa with her perfectly-formed arse and her unparalleled talents.

Expect strange stories, non sequiturs everywhere, and maybe even a coherent critique of American politics and society (porn stars, Oliver Stone and Native American mythology may figure heavily) such as will be displayed on her forthcoming LP, Scarlet’s Walk. It’s out on October 28.

Buy it, otherwise TV Desk will come round to your house with baseball bats and beat some musical taste into you. And don’t forget the single, A Sorta Fairytale, a hauntingly wondrous tale of relationship breakdown that’s also a metaphor for the state of America. Quite how the divine Tori will take to being asked banal questions by a lardy Scottish woman in a sensible cardi, one can only guess, but it will certainly be damn entertaining.

What Jade Did Next (S4C, Tuesday 8 October, 9:30pm).

From one end of the talent spectrum to the other, then, as no-one’s favourite pig-woman attempts to cling desperately to those last vestiges of fame.

Expect not-so-shocking revelations about her late-night (ugh) frolics (ugh) with (ugh) baldy lothario PJ (ugh, ugh, ugh), and no coherent sentences at all. Woman, it is over. Fuck off and die.

(Horribly, in a freak chainsaw accident before falling into a vat of bubbling acid, for preference.)

Why Do Architects Care So

Much About Windows?

(Channel 4, Wednesday 9 October, 7:55pm) asks a fiveminute short today. The evidence that they do is, it has to be said, limited: TV Desk’s architect acquaintances seem to care more about erections of a very different kind. But hey, you have to give a programme with a name like that all sorts of kudos. (And if you’re really interested, you may like to learn that this is in fact one of a whole thrilling series; doors and staircases also come under discussion.

Woo!) Forever Summer with Nigella (S4C, Thursday 10 October, 9:00pm). It has to be said that a year ago, I rather admired Ms Lawson.

She made groaning remarks abut aspargus and had a big fat bottom, just as a TV chef should do. And, an even better reason to like her, she pissed off the Americans merely by having the aforementioned fat bum. But now, it’s all just a bit too much. I can’t bear another shot of her licking something pink and gooey off her fingers, or elegantly tossing a salad

before dining elegantly with her elegant friends. Really, it’s just food, woman, get over it.

It’s Jamie Oliver syndrome all over again - if you don’t watch it, Nigella, you’ll be called a ‘cunter’ on these very pages in no time at all. It’s a slippery slope to from universal adoration to TV Desk’s unlimited loathing, and she’s just taken the first step.

Channel 4 News (Channel 4, Friday 11 October, 7:00pm) is a very good news programme. It is incisive, it is intelligent, and it is confrontational.

More importantly than any of that, though, it has in on-off anchorman Alex Thomson (and goodness, wouldn’t we like to be on and off him) the single most gorgeous man in TV politics. There may not be much competition, and he may not scoop the coveted title of

a certain miserabilist charm, passing bitingly acerbic commentary all the while.

Also, Trent is the sexiest cartoon character ever, ever drawn.

College Girls (Channel 4, Sunday 6 October, 9:00pm) gets its place in the Preview because TV Alex knows a lot of the people who may feature in it, and, starfucker that he is, would like to emphasise these close ties to People On TV. Ahem. In any case, it may amuse you to learn that the inhabitants of the all-female St Hilda’s College, Oxford, around whom this series is based, are collectively known as Hildabeasts, due to their habit of invading other colleges in hordes in search of men.

Sexiest Political Hack Around (that honour goes to Andrew Rawnsley, political editor of The Observer: gaze upon his by-line picture and swoon), but blue eyes and jet-black hair never did anyone any harm.

TV Desk’s sources say that he keeps fit, too. Mmmm. We like.

Happy viewing, fuckers!

TV Alex and TV Amy

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Television

funny but somehow the team pull it off. Watch in terror as Mackenzie Crook’s eye bags get more and more purple as the series progresses.

White Teeth (Channel 4, Tuesday 1 October, 10:00pm), on the other hand, uses rather obvious hallmarks of authenticity to ensure a degree of familiar reality: soundtrack, clothing, modes of behaviour. It was never going to be easy adapting a novel as imaginative and zestful as Zadie Smith’s for the small screen, but Julian Jarrold’s focus on the details results in dialogue and plot being somewhat neglected.

Faking It (Channel 4, Wednesday 2 October) has never claimed to be about reality, or authenticity, and indeed sells itself as the antithesis of all that. Yet the

Will & Grace (Channel 4, Friday 4 October, 10:00pm) Ah, formulaic American pap. We know it’s shite, we know what’s going to happen every week and we know that Grace is a bitch and Will is utterly unattainable to all us straight women (but not to a smug TV Alex). But somehow, for some strange reason, we just can’t stop ourselves watching it. The only thing that could possibly make it better is if they axed the main characters and made it The Jack & Karen Show.

Then we’d see some fireworks.

Daria (Channel 5, Saturday 5 October, 3:00pm) pipped Popstars: The Rivals to a coveted spot in TV Desk’s Preview by dint of a) being better and b) being inexplicably unknown to the population at large. Daria is a geek girl, but not your archetypal bluestocking: she observes her cartoon world with a cynical detachment and

Pickings

Welcome back to the GR TV Listings. Our dedication to your TV needs is such that despite Amy fighting off a double hangover combined with severe sleep deprivation and Steve huddled in his bed with Fresher’s Flu (the damn whinger), we’ve brought you all the television gubbins you’ll need for the next fortnight.

Top picks for this week include: The Office (BBC 2, Monday 30 September, 10:00pm) Ricky Gervais’s comedy masterpiece returns for a second series.

Expect to be both repulsed and intrigued by the horrific David Brent as he torments his hapless employees with ‘Free Love on the Free Love Freeway’.

It’s excruciating stuff, almost too close to reality to be

way in which it coaxes hidden talents out of people who had never imagined what they could be capable of - or even the mere fact of an individual experiencing a completely different lifestyle from their own - is, as well as being rather sweet (and trust me, that’s the only time hard-hearted TV Desk will ever use that word), far closer to reality than much of what purports to be ‘reality TV’.

The League of Gentlemen (BBC2, Thursday 3 October, 10.00pm) You’ll have seen the first episode of this third series by now (we won’t, because we’re just that dedicated we preferred to stay in the GR office finishing these listings) so you’ll know that it’s the most twisted bit of brilliance ever made. And if you don’t, what the fuck’s wrong with you, fool? According to TV Amy’s sister, “it makes you want to scrub yourself very hard after watching it.”

Which, really, is just how comedy should be.

Television

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Monday 30 September BBC 1

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6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 Eureka TV 4.30 The Queen's Nose 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Holiday: You Call the Shots 7.30 Hot Houses 8.00 EastEnders Jamie gets a shock when he realises that there is more to Lisa than meets the eye.

Finally! She’s revealed as the drag queen she really is!

8.30 Dalziel and Pascoe 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 One on One: Alan Whicker 11.15 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 11.45 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 12.15 Liquid News 12.50 FILM: The House of the Spirits Directed

by Bille August. 3.10 Joins BBC News 24 12.10 A Question of Sport 12.10 A Question of Sport 2.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Simple Beginnings? 6.30 An A to Z of English 7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 Bring It On 7.45 The Scooby Doo Show 8.10 Round the Twist 8.35 Pocket Dragon Adventures 8.50 Snailsbury Tales 9.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Everywhere 9.10 The Shiny Show 9.30 Brum 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.55 Wiggly Park 11.00 Conference 2002 1.00 Megamaths 1.20 CBeebies: Teletubbies Everywhere 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Conference 2002 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News and Weather 4.00 Have I Got the 90s for You 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 Malcolm in the Middle 6.45 Farscape 7.30 The Trouble with Love: Heartbreak 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 What the Tudors Did for Us: The Thynkynge Revolution 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Coupling 10.00 The Office More excruciatingly good office-based comedy 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 I'm Alan Partridge 11.50 3rd Rock from the Sun 12.15 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered? Spanish 5-8 5.00

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Bric a Brac 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Fingertips 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Rose and Maloney 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Real Crime: Britain's Richest Killer 11.30 The Premiership on Monday 12.30 Champions League Weekly 12.55 Nickelback - In Profile A chance learn just how Chad Kroeger gets his hair so beautifully curly, plus revalations about his pilfering of Nivana’s back catalogue 1.25 Southampton International Boat Show 2.20 The New Addams Family 2.40 The Web Review 3.05 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.30 ITV Sport Classics 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

Newsnight BBC2 10.30pm

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6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Watercolour Challenge 1.45 Crime Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Taro Naw 8.30 Yr Ocsiwniar om 9.00 Welsh in a Week 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 White Teeth 11.35 The Joy of Sex 12.35 College Girls 1.35 FILM: Bound Directed by Andy Wachowski. 4.00 Schools CH4. As S4C except:9.00 Happy Days 9.30 4Learning 9.30 Geography Junction. 9.45 Book Box. 10.00 Contes et Legendes. 10.15 Writing House. 10.30 Place and People. 10.50 Star Maths.

11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Technology Prog.

11.50 What If? 9.30 12.00 Jesse 12.25 Spin City 12.50 Ally McBeal 1.40 Judging Amy 2.35 Encounters: Noriyuki and Satomi 2.45 Don Roaming 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 The Political Slot 8.00 Superstructures of America 9.00 The Private Lives of Pompeii 10.35 That Peter Kay 11.05 FILM: Porky's 12.55 Teenage Kicks: Teenage Dwarf 1.55 Directing Porn Wahey! I’ll be taking notes. Look out for “Steve Hurst: DogFaced Gimp” in your local shag-related retail outlet soon. 2.25 The Art Show 2.55 The Art Show 3.45 Copyshop 4.00 4Learning

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Rosemary: Castle Cook 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Emergency 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Danger in the Skies 9.00 FILM: In the Line of Fire 11.35 American Sex 12.25 Live with... Chris Moyles Not content with twatting about on the radio, Moyles brings his dubious talents to the old wassock’s lantern. Fart jokes, now with visuals. Hmm. 12.50 NFL Update 1.25 US PGA Golf: Texas Open 2.15 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 3.05 V8 Supercars 3.55 Motorsport Mundial 4.20 2002 Summer X Games

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6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 Viva S Club 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Nap Attack 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Absolutely Fabulous 11.05 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 11.35 FILM: The Hunted 1.15 Sign Zone: Two Men in a Trench 2.05 Sign Zone: SAS: Are You Tough Enough? Yes I am, dammit.

2.35 Sign Zone: What's Your Problem?: The Man Who Learnt to See 3.25 Sign Zone: What's Your Problem?: 1 in 7 4.15 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt 4.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Imagining New Worlds 6.30 Cultures of the Walkman 7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 Taz-Mania 8.10 Round the Twist 8.35 Pocket Dragon Adventures 8.50 Snailsbury Tales 9.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Everywhere 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Conference 2002 1.00 Look and Read 1.20 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Conference 2002 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News and Weather 4.00 Have I Got the 90s for You 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Small Town Gardens 8.00 Two Men in a Trench: The Defence of Inchkeith 8.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 9.00 Single Girls A new show in which women are cruelly dumped by their boyfriends live on air, then tattooed with the word ‘Spinster’ 9.50 Africa by Balloon 10.00 Helen McCrory: Diva 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 What's Your Problem?: Free Wheelers 12.10 3rd Rock from the Sun 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel “Hm. With Richard and Judy fucked off, our overly-orange gurning TV presenter quotient is severely depleted. Who can save us now?

Des O’Connor and Melanie Sykes, that’s who!” Thanks ITV. This could either be apocalyptically awful or utter genius. 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 Jungle Run 4.35 Becoming 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live: Manchester United v Olympiakos 9.50 The Frank Skinner Show 10.40 ITV News at Ten 11.10 Champions League 12.10 Strictly Soho 12.40 Moby in Profile 1.05 Champions League: Juventus v Newcastle United 2.45 World Sport 3.10 World Football 3.35 Entertainment Now! 4.00 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Watercolour Challenge 1.45 Naked Planet 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 04 Wal 8.30 Dudley 9.00 Faking It Changed My Life 10.00 Cariad at Iaith 11.35 Whitney Houston: The True Story 12.35 Frasier 1.05 Witness: Moving Heaven and Earth 2.05 FILM: I Was Monty's Double 4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Capital Floyd 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Road Raiders 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 5 News 8.00 FILM: Forget Paris 10.00 FILM: The Silence of the Lambs Uber-horror with Jodie Foshter and Antony “He-the-thethe-the” Hopkins. Watch out for the brilliant policeman skin-flaying bit, and the old steal-someone’s-faceand-stick-over-your-own party trick. Don’t eat your dinner while this is on, or you risk severe upchuckage. 12.20 Live with... Chris Moyles Hmm...it’s hosted by an annoying radio DJ, set in a pub and promises “irreverant banter”. Ah, the ghost of TFI Friday lives another day. 12.50 NFL Game of the Week: Baltimore Ravens v Denver Broncos 4.05 Rally UK 4.30 FIA European Drag Racing Championship 4.55 Major League Soccer

White Teeth C4 10pm

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 4Learning 9.30 King Jamie and the Angel. 9.45 Stop Look Listen. 10.00 Maths. 10.15 Write Away. 10.30 Geographical Eye. 10.50 Number Crew. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 First Edition. 11.40 Science. 9.30 12.00 Jesse 12.00 12.25 Spin City 12.50 Ally McBeal 1.40 Judging Amy 2.35 Postmodern Pastimes 2.45 Don Roaming 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 The Political Slot 8.00 Grand Designs Revisited 9.00 The Showbiz Set 10.00 White Teeth 11.05 Frasier 12.00 FILM: 2.00 FILM: The Big Boss 3.40 Supporting Acts 4.00 4Learning

Tuesday 1 October

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Wednesday 2 October BBC 1

BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 Ace Lightning 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 Big Break 7.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 8.00 Steve Leonard's Extreme Animals 9.00 Wild Weather: Wet 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 High Hopes 11.05 I Love You 2W 11.10 Angela's Trial 12.10 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 12.40 FILM: Down, Out and Dangerous Hardcore drama showing the horrific consequences of locking a load of journo students in a newspaper office for 8 hours a day with no booze. Extreme violence and lots of naughty words. 2.10 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2.55 Sign Zone: Watchdog 3.25 Sign Zone: Child of Our Time 4.25 Sign Zone: Ground Force 4.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Magic Flute 6.30 Following a Score 7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 Smurfs' Adventures 7.45 Taz-Mania 8.10 Round the Twist 8.35 Pocket Dragon Adventures 8.50 Snailsbury Tales 9.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 64 Zoo Lane 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.55 Wiggly Park 11.00 Conference 2002 1.00 The Experimenter 1.20 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Conference 2002 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News and Weather 4.00 Have I Got the 90s for You 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Snack Attack 8.00 The Life 8.30 What Not to Wear 9.00 What's Your Problem?: Thalidomide: Life at 40 9.50 What's Your Problem? The Egg Drama 10.00 The Royle Family 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Party Conference Broadcast by the Labour Party Party Conference 11.25 Diners 11.55 3rd Rock 12.20 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University 4.00 Languages: Suenos World Spanish 13-16 5.00 Webwise for Business: Welcome to the Cybermarket

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel It’s a poor substitute for the marvellous ‘Loose Women’, but it may well shape up to be a corker, particularly if Des O’Connor goes slowly insane as he’s upstaged by his younger, more beautiful and slightly more orange co-star, Melanie Sykes, as I safely predict.

Faketantastic.2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Engie Benjy 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.00 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.35 24Seven 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Ultimate Force 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Real Bad Girls 11.00 Party Political Broadcast by the Wales Labour Party 11.05 Champions League Highlights 12.05 FILM: Chasers 1.50 Champions League: Auxerre v Arsenal 3.25 International Motor Racing 3.50 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

Ally McBeal C4 11.15pm

C4

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Migmas 1.00 Countdown 1.40 Channel 4 At The Races 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Cariad at Iaith 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Grand Designs Revisited 10.00 Cariad at Iaith 10.30 Brookside 11.05 Ally McBeal 12.00 Sex and the City 12.30 Will and Grace 1.00 FILM: Cinema Paradiso Not to be confused with the Bottom spin-off film Hotel Paradiso.

Which is crap. Oh, Rik Mayall...from Blackadder and Bottom. Where did it all go wrong? 3.20 A Dangerous Obsession

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Capital Floyd 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Golden Gate Murders 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 FILM: Rear Window Remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic starring Christopher Reeve. No, really.

10.30 Michael Jackson's Face The terrifying transformation of Michael Jackson from cute little black boy to ugly white woman.

Let’s hear it for plastic surgery.

Woo! 11.30 Law and Order 12.25 Live with... Chris Moyles 12.55 Major League Baseball Live 5.10 Australian Rules Football

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 4Learning 12.00 Jesse 12.25 Spin City 12.50 Cheers 1.20 Postmodern Pastimes 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Futurama 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 The Political Slot 8.00 Brookside 8.30 From House to Home 9.00 Faking It 10.35 Sex and the City 11.15 Ally McBeal 12.10 Ibiza TV Trippin' 12.45 4 Music: Headliners: Red Hot Chili Peppers 1.20 4 Music: New to Q 1.40 4 Music: 4 Play 2.05 4 Music: 4DJ 2.25 4 Music: 4 Play 3.15 Infection 3.25 Brazilian Championship Football5.15 Countdown

BBC 2

ITV 1

C4

C5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 4.05 The Mummy 4.25 Looney Tunes 4.30 Call the Shots 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Vets in Practice 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 My Family 8.30 Bargain Hunt 9.00 The Vicar of Dibley 9.30 Celeb 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time Today’s Question: If I kill the truly diabolical Avril Lavigne for her crimes against music, is it murder or a service to humanity? I mean, really. Claiming to be the new Alanis Morrisette is surely the work of an evil woman. 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 FILM: Face Value 1.40 Sign Zone: Holiday 2.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 6.30 Housing - Business as Usual 7.00 CBBC 10.50 Megamaths 11.10 Look and Read 11.30 Science Zone 11.50 The Chat Room 12.10 Primary Geography 12.30 Taxi 1.00 English Express 1.20 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: The Beachcomber 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Mountain Stories 8.00 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 8.30 Home Front in the Garden 9.00 Wild New World 9.50 What's Your Problem?: Urban Myth 10.00 The League of Gentlemen All hail Gatiss, Pemberton, Sheersmith and Dyson, the new gods of Comedy! This third series promises to be even more twisted and wrong than the last two. Which is just how I like my men. Erm, I mean comedy. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 America's Cup 12.10 3rd Rock from the Sun 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Soft Sell 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Brilliant Creatures 4.00 Mary-Kate and Ashley in Action! 4.35 Harry and the Wrinklies 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 Family Fortunes No! How could they let this happen? Les Dennis is no more, and his smug bleached-blondeness has been replaced by some chancer called Andy Collins. Damn ITV. A legend passes, and tea-time telly is just that little bit shitter. 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Welsh Down Under Must...resist...the...urge...to make cheap joke about oral sex..... 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Fat Friends 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Wales this Week 11.30 Jigsaw 12.00 North Wales Music Festival 12.30 Night and Day 1.30 The Machine 1.55 ITV at the Festivals 2002 2.45 Mixmasters 3.10 Cybernet 3.40 Motorsport UK 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.00 Countdown 1.40 Channel 4 At The Races 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Cariad at Iaith 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Darllediad Gwleidyddol gan y Blaid Lafur 7.35 Newyddion 8.05 Siopa Byw 8.35 Bob a'i Fam 9.05 Forever Summer with Nigella 9.35 Brookside 10.05 Cariad at Iaith 10.35 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 11.35 A Party Political Broadcast by the Labour Party 11.40 Model Behaviour 1.10 MOBO Awards 1.45 FILM: Thunderbolt 3.45 Top Ten: Rap

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Capital Floyd 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI Ah, the lovely if slightly too hairy Bloke Who Shagged Monica in Friends in another witty installement of the classic (classic meaning shite) detective drama. 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 UEFA Cup Football: Zaporizhya v Leeds United 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 7.45 UEFA Cup Football: Viking Stavanger v Chelsea 10.05 FILM: Good Guys Wear Black 12.00 Live with...

Chris Moyles He’s stil fat, he’s still on my telly and I still don’t know why! Is having a top-rated show on Radio One not enough for you, you pie-eating goon? 12.35 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 1.10 UEFA Cup Football: Zaporizhya v Leeds United 2.45 UEFA Cup Football: Viking Stavanger v Chelsea 4.15 Argentinian Football 5.10 Argentinian Football Highlights

Mastercard MOBO Awards 2002 C4 10.35pm

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 4Learning 12.00 Jesse 12.25 Spin City 12.50 Cheers 1.20 Ballykissanything 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Model Behaviour 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 The Political Slot 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Forever Summer with Nigella 9.00 What Jade Did Next 10.00 Father Ted 10.35 Mastercard MOBO Awards 2002 12.15 Heavy TV 1.15 The Sopranos 2.15 Aviemore Street Luge 2.45 F3 on 4 3.15 Trans World Sport 4.10 Sharks of the Atomic Atoll 5.05 Madchute 5.15 Countdown

Thursday 3 October

Television

BBC 1

16

Television

GRiP

Friday 4 October BBC 1

BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy Kilroy vs Trisha: our vote goes to the guppy-mouthed woman over the orange cunt. 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Taz-Mania 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 5.00 Bring It On 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Wendy Richard - A Life on the Box 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Fame Academy There really is fuck all on tonight. Email us, people, at gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com and there could be good things in it for you.

9.30 They Think It's All Over 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Fame Academy 11.00 FILM: Hard Target 12.35 FILM: Excessive Force 1.55 Joins BBC News 24 This week, TV Desk loves: having no work, having a house and having good lovin’. TV Desk hates: having no money, having no vodka and Fresher hordes. (Only joking, my babies. You know I love you. But remember: peasant chic is O-V-ER.)

6.00 Open University: Landfill for the New Millennium 6.30 Open Advice - The University without Walls 7.00 UBOS 7.20 Call the Shots 7.45 Taz-Mania 8.10 Round the Twist 8.35 Pocket Dragon Adventures 8.50 Snailsbury Tales 9.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 Bob the Builder 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Storytime 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Writing and Pictures 11.35 Pod's Mission 11.50 English Express 12.10 Primary History 12.30 Taxi 1.00 Primary History 1.20 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: The Restless Breed 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Flog It! How very Marquis de Sade. Surely a bit too pre-watershed, though?

4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 Robot Wars: The Fifth Wars 6.45 Scrum V Live 9.00 Gardeners' World 9.30 The Making of Adolf Hitler Seems to be a lot of Hitler stuff on nowadays. Is there an anniversary I’ve missed? 10.20 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Jools Holland's Piano 12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.15 FILM: The Players Club 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: AS Guru: Biology 1

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 HTV Wales News Extra 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Art Attack 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Marlon becomes convinced that Steph is trying to seduce him. Andy and Katie's relationship warms up. Pollard's tangled web of sex and power proves very unenjoyable. Triple fnarr, though they are all yokel mingers TV Desk wouldn’t touch with a bargepole. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Celebrity Fit Club 8.30 FILM: Runaway Bride 10.45 Celebrity Fit Club 11.15 ITV Weekend News 11.45 The Pop Factory With guest band Feeder.

Crap music, but Grant Nicholas is yum. 12.15 Tarrant on TV 12.45 Dial-a-Date 1.20 Take the Mike 1.50 Turks 2.35 Payne 3.00 Entertainment Now! 3.25 Today with Des and Mel 4.20 World Football 4.45 Get Stuffed 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Arthur 6.25 Taz-Mania 6.45 The Cramp Twins 7.10 Cubix 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.05 Looney Tunes 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 News 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.05 Athletics Focus 2.00 Racing 3.40 Sailing 3.45 Football Half-Times 3.55 Sn**ker: The LG Cup 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.15 BBC News 5.30 Wales Today 5.35 Dog Eat Dog 6.10 Only Fools and Horses 6.40 The Chair Presented

by John McEnroe. I can’t decide whether I like him or not, which is odd. Great tennis player and very funny; but alsosexist and a complete egomaniac. 7.30 The National Lottery: Winning Lines 8.15 Casualty 9.05 Silent Witness 10.05 BBC News 10.25 Parkinson Guests include Oscar-winning actor Robin Williams; writer, broadcaster and comedian Stephen Fry; and singer-songwriter James Taylor. In order: cunt, legend, and legend. 11.25 Boxing 12.55 FILM: Witness to the Execution 2.25 They Think It's All Over 3.00 Top of the Pops 3.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 BBC News 9.10 HARDtalk 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 See Hear on Saturday 12.45 Afoot Again in the Past 1.00 Around the World in 80 Days 1.50 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 2.20 The Great Romances of the Twentieth Century 2.45 FILM: The Egyptian 5.00 Hamilton Mattress 5.30 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 6.00 Sn**ker: The LG Cup 7.25 The Dancer's Body 8.15 Laughter in the House: the Story of British Sitcom: The Sensational Seventies 9.05 Spike... I Told You I Was Ill... A Live Tribute 10.05 Room 101 10.35 Sn**ker: The LG Cup 12.05 FILM: Adolf Hitler - My Part in His Downfall Says here it’s a ‘zany comedy’. Kids, some advice: avoid anything which is prepared to associate itself with the word ‘zany’. Otherwise you may have to endure unfortunate images of overweight men doing strange things with brooms, pineapples and other such objects. 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: AS Guru: Biology 2

Angel S4C 11.40pm

Will & Grace C4 10pm

C4

C5

S4C 6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.00 Countdown 1.40 Channel 4 attheraces 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Cariad at Iaith 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Crwydro 8.30 Cyngerdd Caneuon i Gymru 9.30 Friends 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Da Ali G Show 11.10 Scrubs 11.40 Model Behaviour 12.10 Bo Selecta!

12.40 World Rally: New Zealand 1.10 Meet Ricky Gervais 1.40 nobleandsilver: Get Off Me! 2.10 The Other Side 2.40 Brazilian Championship Football CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Beckett on Film 10.30 Beckett Film Project. 10.46 Beckett Film Project. 10.57 Beckett Film Project. 11.00 The Hoobs 11.25 Technology 11.40 Book Box 11.55 My Brilliant Career. 12.00 Nikki 12.25 Spin City 12.55 Cheers 1.25 Ballykissanything 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Model Behaviour 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.20 The Trouble with Corporate America 8.00 World Rally: New Zealand 8.30 Brookside 9.00 Friends 9.30 Friends 10.00 Will and Grace 10.30 Da Ali G Show 11.10 Bo Selecta! 11.40 Meet Ricky Gervais 12.15 Model Behaviour Late Night 1.15 Late-Night Poker 2.15 Bar Wars 3.15 Brazilian Championship Football 5.00 Postmodern Pastimes 5.15 Countdown

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Capital Floyd 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Quincy: Go Fight City Hall to the Death 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Will and Gypsy's dinner ends with a kiss. Ashley is tempted to buy drugs. Oh, the wild lives these Aussies have! 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles Gah! It’s bad enough that the fat cunt has a radio job. Now we’ll have to look at him as well. *feeling ill at the thought* 7.30 five news 8.00 Warrior School 9.00 FILM: Passenger 57 10.40 FILM: Secret Games 12.25 Live with... Chris Moyles 12.55 FILM: Almost Heroes 2.25 FILM: Gummo 3.50 Monsters 4.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters

ITV 1

C4

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK Cat Deeley may be an empty-headed bint with pumpkin-coloured skin, but she beats the MTV bitches hands down. Specifically, the MTV bitch who interviewed Alicia Keys, but had no idea what ‘A minor’ referred to. Such people have no justification for their existence at all, a theme which recurs throughout today’s ITV schedule...

12.30 Clueless 1.00 ITV News 1.05 HTV News 1.10 On the Ball 2.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 3.05 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News 5.20 ITV News 5.35 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right ... here’s another example... 6.00 Stars in Their Eyes: Kids Live Final 2002 ... and more... 7.00 Popstars: The Rivals ... and even more. If you’ve ever been even borderline depressive, TV Desk advises you to stay well away from today’s televisual hell.

8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.00 Stars in Their Eyes: Kids Final 2002 9.15 Popstars: The Rivals 10.15 ITV Weekend News 10.30 The Premiership 12.00 The Frank Skinner Show 12.50 The District 1.35 Boys Forever Ooh, sounds like porn. 2.30 CD:UK 3.20 Diala-Date 3.45 Entertainment Now! 4.15 Cybernet 4.40 Get Stuffed 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV

S4C 6.10 The Hoobs 7.00 GT on 4 7.30 ICC World Cricket Week 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sport Talk 11.00 Enterprise 11.50 Stargate SG-1 12.40 Futurama 1.10 Postmodern Pastimes 1.25 Channel 4 attheraces 4.30 Brookside Omnibus 5.00 Newyddion 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi 7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.30 Deg Munud Dwl 7.45 Diolch o Galon 8.30 Y Bws Gwlad Tara 9.00 Bob a'i Fam 9.30 FILM: Steel Magnolias 11.40 Angel 12.35 Model Behaviour Late Night 1.35 World Rally: New Zealand 2.05 Late-Night Poker 3.00 The Art Show 3.30 Speedway Grand Prix CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Clangers 7.30 ICC Cricket World 11.00 Speedway 12.00 Brookside Omnibus 4.35 Enterprise 5.25 Alias 6.20 Channel 4 News 6.40 The Truth about Pensions 7.40 The Art Show 8.10 FILM: Steel Magnolias 10.20 FILM: Plunkett and Macleane 12.10 World Rally: New Zealand 12.45 Angel 1.35 FILM: Mute Witness 3.10 The Marquis de Sade: Pornographer or Prophet? Someone told me last week I reminded them of the Marquis de Sade. I took it as a compliment, of course. 4.10 Art of War 4.35 For Your Love 5.00 ICC Cricket World 5.25 Countdown

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 8.00 James the Cat 8.05 Tintin 8.30 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.55 Dan Dare 9.25 Xcalibur 9.55 Max Steel 10.25 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 11.20 Audrey and Friends Don’t be silly. People called Audrey don’t have any friends. 11.35 Atlantis High 12.10 The Edit 12.40 Popular 1.30 Harry and Cosh 2.00 Our Hero Julian Barnes. Oh yes. 2.30 Pop 3.00 Daria This is ace, this is. 3.25 Home and Away Omnibus 5.25 FILM: Tall Tale 7.15 Charmed 8.05 Dark Angel 8.55 five news and sport OK, what’s with this sudden abandonment of capital letters then? It’s a disgrace, I tell you - an abomination to the English language. TV Desk is of the firm opinion that decent grammar is of paramount importance to society. 9.05 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.00 The Shield US drama series about an elite group of cops who operate outside of the law in dealing with crime. Meant to be excellent, but then again so was the adaptation of White Teeth, and that’s very poor indeed. 11.45 FILM: El Condor 1.35 FILM: Performance 3.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 3.25 Shaolin: Wheel of Life 4.20 Lexx 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35

Saturday 5 October

17

GRiP

Sunday 6 October BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast At six in the morning? Surely you jest, Mr. BBC Man. 8.30 Breakfast with Frost 9.30 The Great North Run 1.30 EastEnders 2.00 Match of the Day Live: Celtic v Rangers “They’re two teams in Glasgow and they’re the only two good teams in Scotland”, hazards News Desk. Where are Sports Desk when you need them, eh? 4.20 EastEnders 5.45 BBC News 6.05 Regional News 6.10 Songs of Praise 6.45 Antiques Roadshow Fascinating finds include a bizarre cigar lighter, a model guillotine made by French POWs, and a life drawing of spectacular quality.

Sounds oddly compelling. 7.30 My Family 8.00 Monarch of the Glen TV Desk’s parents love this, which sort of says it all. 9.00 Silent Witness 10.00 News 10.15 Panorama: The Corruption of Racing A programme highlighting widespread corruption and racefixing in the seemingly genteel world of horse racing, revealing how the sport's governing body failed to stamp out the activities of criminals such as Brian Wright, a drug baron who bribed jockeys with cash, cocaine and prostitutes to fix races. None of which is at all surprising if you actually know people in the racing world.

11.15 FILM: The Wild Geese 1.30 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 The Cramp Twins 7.10 Yvon of the Yukon 7.35 Looney Tunes 8.05 The Wild Thornberrys 8.30 Smile 10.30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 1.00 Sunday Grandstand 1.05 G Two 1.30 British Superbikes 2.20 Racing from Longchamp 5.00 Snooker: The LG Cup 6.00 Scrum V 6.45 Sn**ker: The LG Cup 8.00 A History of Britain by Simon Schama: Burning Convictions Simon Schama tells the story of the reformation from Henry the Eighth's passion for Anne Boleyn to Bloody Mary's unsuccessful attempt to return the country to Roman Catholicism. Ooh, TV Desk has a very soft spot for Anne Boleyn. Top woman. 9.00 Ray Mears's Extreme Survival: Rogers Rangers 10.00 The Essential Diana Ross Profile of legendary soul diva Diana Ross, who rose from humble beginnings in the projects of downtown Detroit to enjoy worldwide fame with the Supremes. She’s a lunatic, which is always a good thing.10.40 Dave Gorman's Important Astrology Experiment 11.10 Sn**ker: The LG Cup 12.10 FILM: The Culpepper Cattle Company 2.00 Curriculum Development: Blast 4.00 Languages: The French Experience 1-4 5.00 Webwise for Business: Using the Internet

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.30 Merlin the Magical Puppy 10.40 Upstairs Downstairs Bears 10.50 Maisy 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 That's Esther 12.30 Top Sport 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 1.55 HTV News and Weather 2.00 Waterfront 2.30 Remember... back when the Taf didn’t look like townie hell? *sigh* 3.00 FILM: The Dam Busters 5.00 Melting Pot 5.30 HTV News 5.45 Grass Roots 6.15 ITV News 6.30 Cruise Ship 7.00 Popstars: The Rivals 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Trial and Retribution 6 11.05 ITV Weekend News 11.20 The Premiership 12.05 Ultimate Questions Tony Blair, George W Bush, Saddam Hussein: if you had to kill one, shag one and marry the other, how would you choose?

Answers in an email. The funniest reasoning gets a ticket for last year’s ball and our everlasting respect. 12.50 The Web Review 1.15 The Dance Years 2.10 Brother's Keeper 2.30 My Favourite Hymns”Abide With Me” - a wistful News Desk. “That Autumn Leaves one - it’s a cracking tune” - Gemma. Me, I always liked “My Song Is Love Unknown”. 3.25 Motorsport UK 3.50 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 Eureka TV 4.30 The Queen's Nose 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Harold discovers Nina's hidden talent. Fnarr! 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Holiday: You Call the Shots Kate Thornton, Trevor Nelson and Jocelyn Jee Esien check out the sights and sounds of Toronto in this edition of the interactive holiday guide. Peaches comes from Toronto, which should be a warning to you all.

7.30 Hot Houses 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Dalziel and Pascoe 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 One on One: Michael Aspel 11.15 First Degree 12.00 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 12.30 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 1.05 FILM: Out of Darkness 2.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 How We Study Children 6.30 An English Accent 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 UBOS 7.35 The Scooby Doo Show 8.00 Looney Tunes 8.05 Bring It On 8.30 Round the Twist 9.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 Brum 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Magic Key 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures 11.35 Watch 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Zig Zag 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Snooker: The LG Cup 2.00 Conference 2002 4.20 News 4.30 Sn**ker: The LG Cup 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Snooker: The LG Cup 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 What the Tudors Did for Us: The Goode Lyfe 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Coupling 10.00 The Office 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Sn**ker: The LG Cup 12.10 3rd Rock from the Sun 12.30 Ever Wondered? 12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Ever Wondered?

1.30 Cinema for the Ears 2.00 Secondary Schools: Technology 4.00 The French Experience 5.00 Webwise for Business

GMTV ITV 6am

C4

C5

S4C 6.10 The Hoobs 7.00 Grabbit the Rabbit 7.10 Totally Spies! 7.40 Taina 8.10 Dawson's Creek 9.05 Hollyoaks Omnibus 11.05 Enterprise 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Brookside Omnibus 3.00 The Truth about Pensions 3.55 Maniffesto 4.25 Xtra Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Darlun Byw 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Portreadau: Catrin Williams 9.00 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors 10.15 Newyddion 10.30 FILM: 8MM 12.50 World Rally 1.20 Better Living through Circuitry 2.20 FILM: Janice Beard 45WPM 3.45 Brazilian Championship Football CH4. As S4C except: 7.00 Blue's Clues 7.30 The Kids from Room 402 8.30 Hang Time 8.55 Taina 9.25 Popworld 10.25 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.35 Dawson's Creek 1.35 Model Behaviour 2.10 Model Behaviour 2.35 FILM: SOS Titanic 4.35 Stargate SG-1 5.30 Scrapheap Challenge 6.35 Enterprise 7.30 Channel 4 News 8.00 Howard Goodall's Great Dates Series examining how landmark pieces of music are products of their times. Howard Goodall looks at 1937, when Shostakovich wrote his fifth symphony in the face of Stalinism. This sounds utterly amazing and everyone must watch it. 9.00 College Girls: Watching the Girls Go By 10.00 FILM: 8MM 12.20 World Rally: New Zealand 12.50 FILM: Seema 3.30 Quest for the Lost City 4.25 For Your Love Hair Club for Men 4.50 For Your Love 5.15 Countdown

6.00 Moto GP: Pacific 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Babar 9.30 Redwall 10.00 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams 11.00 Don't Blame It on the Koalas 11.30 Revelations 12.00 Rooted 12.30 five news update 12.40 Daria 1.05 Pop 1.35 Charmed 2.30 Moto GP: Pacific 3.50 FILM: Tumbleweed 5.20 five news and sport 5.30 Danger!

50,000 Volts 6.00 International King of Sports 6.30 FILM: K-911 8.00 Ultimate Jump Jets 9.00 The Truth about Julie Goodyear 10.00 The Shield 10.55 Murder Detectives: Pure Evil Atomic Kitten. Especially the really ugly one (not that that narrows it down).

11.30 Arrest and Trial: Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll 11.55 outTHERE A look at the weird and wonderful world of cult film and video, presented by Eden. We love Eden here at TV Desk. It takes a special talent to be that bad at your job. 12.25 US Major League Baseball - Live 4.00 Major League Baseball Replay 5.10 European Seniors Golf: Charles Church Scottish Seniors Open

ITV 1

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6.00 GMTV The goddess of TV Desk’s world, Tori Amos, will feature today. Watch with reverence, for you will be in the presence of true genius. 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Bric a Brac 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Fingertips 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Trial and Retribution 6 11.00 ITV News at Ten 11.30 Champions League Weekly 12.00 FILM: Rear Window Classic Hitchcock thriller. “It’s about a disabled man who has to sit by a window all day. Surely that’s funny enough?” - Sports Desk. 1.55 Today with Des and Mel 2.45 The New Addams Family The Osbournes? The Waltons? The Wurzels? The Windsors? Your guesses are as good as mine, though possibly not as funny. 3.10 The Web Review 3.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.00 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion/ Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Ari Awyren 1.05 Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 1.15 Watercolour Challenge 1.45 Superstructures of America 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Na Dderyn 4.10 Uned 5 4.40 Wali Wags 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Taro Naw 8.30 Yr Ocsiwniar 9.00 Welsh in a Week 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 White Teeth 11.35 Britain's Favourite Hoaxer 12.35 College Girls 1.35 FILM: Kiss Me Deadly 4.00 Schools CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Geography Junction. 9.45 Book Box. 10.00 Contes et Legendes. 10.15 Writing House. 10.30 Place and People. 10.50 Maths. 11.00 Hoobs.

11.25 Teaching Citizens. 11.50 What If? 12.00 Nikki 12.25 Cheers 12.55 Ally McBeal 1.45 Judging Amy 2.35 Wedding Espresso 2.45 Don Roaming 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Why Do Architects Care So Much about Doors? 8.00 Superstructures of America: Reach for the Sky 9.00 Britain's Favourite Hoaxer 10.00 A Man's Best Friend 11.05 That Peter Kay Thing 11.40 FILM: Twice upon a Yesterday 1.25 ALT-TV 1.55 The Trouble with Corporate America 2.35 The Truth about Pensions 3.35 The Art Show 4.00 Arrows of Desire. 5.40 Planet.com

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Survival on the Mountain 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 The Most Evil Men in History: Adolf Hitler Personally, I think Chris Moyles is much worse. 8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: Starship Troopers “Awesome pseudo-Nazi scenes and people getting their heads bitten off; the two are not as related as you’d think” - News Desk. “I’m not sure I like it” Sports Desk. “A big, steaming pile of wank” - TV Amy. 11.20 House of Astonishment 11.50 American Sex In this programme, an interview with a big-breasted adultfilm star, a visit to a lesbian strip club, and a look at a glamorous porn shoot. Ah, Channel 5, how we love your classiness. 12.50 NFL Update 1.25 Thoroughbred Grand Prix 2.15 Golf 3.05 Dutch Football 4.35 Major League Soccer

Monday 7 October

Te evision

BBC 1

A History of Britain by Simon Schama: Burning Convictions BBC2 8pm

18

Television

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Tuesday 8 October BBC 1

BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 Viva S Club 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Red Cap 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Red Cap 11.05 Johnny Vaughan With`Bargain Hunt' presenter David ‘The Duke’ Dickinson. Right then, explain the charm of this man, ‘cos I just don’t get it. He’s the orangest, weirdest thing ever to grace our screens since The Curious Orange. And he gets a prime-time slot? Oh, the wrongness.

11.35 FILM: Ransom 1.10 Sign Zone: Two Men in a Trench 2.00 Sign Zone: SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 2.30 Sign Zone: What's Your Problem?: Thalidomide: Life at 40 3.20 Sign Zone: Best Inventions Update 3.50 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Reflections on a Global Screen 6.30 Which Body? 7.00 CBBC 10.50 Megamaths 11.10 Look and Read 11.30 Science Zone 11.50 The Chat Room 12.10 Primary Geography 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Snooker: The LG Cup 2.45 Conference 2002 4.20 BBC News 4.25 Regional News and Weather 4.30 Snooker: The LG Cup 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 With Elastica. Let’s hope they play Car Song - and ode to shagging in automobiles. Mm, classy.

6.45 Sn**ker: The LG Cup BAN THIS SICK FILTH! 7.30 Small Town Gardens Really really tiny ickle gardens.

8.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 9.00 Ancient Apocalypse 9.50 Witness 10.00 Alun Francis: Maestro 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Snooker: The LG What, more??

Go out and get lives - please! Play with your other balls for once.

12.10 3rd Rock from the Sun 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Breaking the Seal 1.00 Romans in Britain 1.30 Looking for Hinduism in Calcutta 2.00 Secondary Schools: Technology 4.00 Languages: The French Experience 9-12 5.00 Webwise for Business: Getting the Best from the Net

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show Gypsy Rose Lee predicts the outcome of the next World Cup. Yeah, you wish. 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 Jungle Run 4.35 Becoming 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Airline 8.00 FILM: Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back Star Wars: the greatest sci-fi film ever, or the biggest pile of fanboy wank ever spunked out by an emotionally stunted cockface?

Answers to gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com.

Ooh, controversy already! 10.20 ITV News at Ten 10.50 The Frank Skinner Show 11.40 The Sketch Show 12.15 Lynx Extended Play - Ibiza Exclusive 12.40 Strictly Soho 1.05 FILM: The French Lieutenant's Woman 3.10 World Sport 3.35 World Football 4.00 Entertainment Now! 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News; Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 Ace Lightning 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 Big Break 7.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 8.00 Steve Leonard's Extreme Animals 9.00 Wild Weather: 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 High Hopes 11.05 Testosterone 12.05 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 12.35 FILM: Don't Look Now Incomprehensible, but brilliant.2.25 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 3.10 Sign Zone: Watchdog 3.40 Sign Zone: Panorama 4.40 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt 5.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 7.00 CBBC 10.50 FILM: The Bulldog Breed 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Snooker: The LG Cup 2.45 Conference 2002 4.20 BBC News 4.25 Regional News and Weather 4.30 Snooker: The LG Cup 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Snooker: The LG Cup 7.30 Good Enough to Eat 8.00 The Life 8.30 What Not to Wear More bitching from the evil fashion whores Trinny and Susannah 9.00 Tipping the Velvet 10.00 The Royle Family 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Party Conference Broadcast by the Conservative Party 11.25 Snooker: The LG Cup 12.10 3rd Rock from the Sun 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Renaissance Secrets 1.00 What Workers Want 1.30 Pacific Studies: Patrolling the American Lake 2.00 Secondary Schools Technology: Techno 4.00 Languages: The French Experience 13-16 5.00 Webwise for Business: Welcome to the Cybermarket

4Music C4 12.50am

The Real Linda Lovelace S4C 11.45pm

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6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion /Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Watercolour Challenge 1.45 The Fall of the House of Usher 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 04 Wal 8.30 Mopio'n Lan 9.30 What Jade Did Next Please tell me it involves great physical pain to the Essex bimbo. Loathsome woman. 10.30 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors 11.45 The Real Linda Lovelace 12.50 Frasier 1.20 Witness: The Pact 2.15 FILM: Pork Chop Hill CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 King Jamie and the Angel. 9.45 Stop Look Listen. 10.00 Maths. 10.15 Write Away.

10.30 Geographical Eye. 10.50 Number Crew. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 First Edition. 11.40 Science. 9.30 12.00 Nikki 12.25 Cheers 12.55 Ally McBeal 1.45 Judging Amy 2.35 Sweet Tooth: A Spoonful of Sugar 2.45 Don Roaming 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Why Do Architects Care So Much About Staircases? 8.00 Grand Designs 9.00 The Showbiz Set 10.00 White Teeth 11.05 This Is So Solid 12.10 Mastercard MOBO Awards 2002 1.40 Minika 2.10 Channel 4 Gospel 3.30 Pirate 4.00 4Learning

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away It’s not a patch on Neighbours, you know. 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Danielle Steel's Star 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 5 News 8.00 FILM: Shadow Makers 10.30 FILM: Borderline 12.30 Live with... Chris Moyles 1.00 NFL Game of the Week: Chicago Bears v Green Bay Packers 4.15 Rally UK 4.40 European Drag Racing Championship A new contest in which hairy plumbers dress up in women’s clothing (stockings and suspenders mandatory) before chasing eachother round a specially built race track. 5.05 Major League Soccer

ITV 1

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Engie Benjy 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.00 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.35 24Seven 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Ultimate Force 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Real Bad Girls 11.00 Party Conference Broadcast by the Conservative Party 11.05 FILM: Frantic TV Desk struggles to meet its deadline, prompting the normally mild mannered Alex to have a spasm and machete his colleagues into nothing more than bloody splodges on the office walls. Haaah! Not really! It’s just some crappy thriller with Harrison Ford in it. Ho, ho. We do have a larf, don’t we. 1.15 Coach 1.40 Today with Des and Mel 2.30 FILM: Emergency 3.30 International Motor Racing 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Watercolour Challenge 1.45 Scrapheap Challenge 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Gwobrau Tir Na n-Og 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Darllediad Gwleidyddol gan y Blaid Geidwadol 7.35 Newyddion 8.05 Ar y Bocs 8.35 Ffermio 9.05 Grand Designs Revisited 10.05 From House to Home 10.35 Brookside 11.10 Party Political Broadcast 11.15 Ally McBeal 12.10 Sex and the City 12.50 Will and Grace Is it wrong to fancy Will? 1.20 Headliners: Foo Fighters 1.50 FILM: The Train

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Final Descent 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 Who Killed Tutankhamun?.. 10.00 The Truth about Julie Goodyear Yes, she really is a man. And a damn ugly one at that. 11.00 FILM: Good Cop, Bad Cop 12.40 Live with...

Chris Moyles Why is it on twice if it’s meant to be live? 1.10 Major League Baseball Live 4.00 Major League Baseball Replay 5.35 Fastrax Hurrah! My first big wodge of space to fill of the new GR year.

So, what do you think of the new Taf? A sumptuous palace of inebriatory pleasures, or a Trendy Wine Bar with too many bright lights and bloody uncomfortable seating? I know what I think, but I may be in the minority.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 4Learning 12.00 Nikki 12.25 Cheers 12.55 Ally McBeal 1.45 Judging Amy 2.40 First Time 2.45 Don Roaming 3.15 Watercolour Challenge Soothing midafternoon floss for the tired of heart and mind. Relax with a cup of tea and a nice digestive as some people with waaaay too much time on their hands create barely passable watercolour paintings of picturesque scenes. 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Futurama 7.00 Channel 4 7.55 Why Do Architects Care So Much about Windows? 8.00 Brookside 8.30 From House to Home 9.00 Faking It 10.40 Sex and the City 11.20 Ally McBeal 12.10 Ibiza TV Trippin' 12.50 4 Music With Avril Lavigne. Words cannot express how much I’m not going to watch this programme.

2.10 World Rally: New Zealand 3.35 Brazilian Championship Football Top action from the Brazilian league. 5.20 Countdown

Wednesday 9 October

19

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Thursday 10 October

The League of Gentlemen BBC2 10pm

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Mummy 4.25 Looney Tunes 4.30 Call the Shots 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; 7.00 Fame Academy Another bunch of braindead ‘hopefuls’ deliver themselves into the bloody jaws of Fame. Expect a follow-up documentary detailing their descent into madness and alcoholism in 10 years time. Twunts. 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 My Family 8.30 Bargain Hunt 9.00 The Vicar of Dibley 9.30 Celeb 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time Why have Atomic Kitten been allowed to live for so long? Their cover of Blondie’s Tide is High is an affront to human ears. They are evil and must be stopped.

11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 FILM: Take Me Home: The John Denver Story 1.40 Sign Zone: SAS: Are You Tough Enough?

2.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Talking about Care 6.30 The Care Industry 7.00 CBBC 11.00 Conference 2002 1.00 Snooker: The LG Cup 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Snooker: The LG Cup 5.15 Weakest Link Anne Robinson 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Snooker: The LG Cup 7.30 Mountain Stories from Cadair Idris. 8.00 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 8.30 Home Front in the Garden 9.00 Wild New World: Canyonlands 9.50 Look around You A spoof on schools’ programming featuring Peter Serfinawicz of Spaced fame. Let’s hope it’s a bit better than the woeful World of Pub. 10.00 The League of Gentlemen Watch this or suffer the consequences, loser.

10:30 Newsnight 11.20 America's Cup 12.00 Snooker: The LG Cup 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Science Shack 1.05 Lab Detectives 1.25 The Next Big Thing: Machines with Minds 2.00 Listening in the Dark 2.30 The Chemistry of the Invisible 3.00 Images of the Cosmos: Good Seeing 3.30 Curriculum Development: Blast Open Access TV 1 4.00 Languages: The French Experience: 17-20 5.00 Webwise for Business: Health and Safety

BBC 1

BBC 2

ITV 1

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6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 5.00 Bring It On 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Just what is this story with Susan all about? Is it me or has Neighbours gone all weird and Twin Peaks stylee?6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 George Best: Me and My Liver 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Fame Academy Music 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Mike Doyle Guests include Katy Secombe, daughter of Sir Harry. Woo, hiiigh profile. This is a must-see. Honest.

11.05 FILM: The Firm 1.40 FILM: The Legend of Hell House 3.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 7.00 CBBC 12.10 Primary History 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Snooker: The LG Cup 5.15 Weakest Link Ginger tosser Anne Robinson puts another bunch of masochists through their paces. The fools. 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Snooker: The LG Cup 7.15 Scrum V Live: Neath v Leicester 9.30 Gardeners' World 10.00 Room 101 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight 11.35 Snooker: The LG Cup 12.15 FILM: Wing Commander “This is an awful film. Isn’t it something to do with a computer game?” asks News Desk, vaguely. “Freddie Prinze Jr can’t act,” chips in Alex from TV Desk. Steady on, boys, it can’t be all that bad. Mind you, it does have Matthew Lillard in it and he deserves to be shagged up the arse by a goat. Unless he enjoys that sort of thing. I don’t know, I’m not a close personal friend of his. And anyone who says otherwise is lying their tiny asses off. Right? Ahem.

3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Special Education: Inset

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 HTV Wales News Extra 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Art Attack 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Celebrity Fit Club Eeeuurrgh...Anne Widdecome running around with all her wobbly bits exposed. Is there a more horrifying thought?

Unlikely. 9.00 FILM: Rogue Trader Is it in Ewan MacGregor’s contract that he has to get his knob out in every film he does? Watch this to find out. 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.30 The Pop Factory Music 12.00 Veronica's Closet 12.30 Dial-a-Date 1.00 Take the Mike 1.30 The Elle Style Awards 2.00 Entertainment Now! 2.30 Counting Crows in Profile 2.55 World Football 3.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.45 ITV Nightscreen 4.00 ITV Early Morning News 4.30 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Qualifying Live

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Watercolour Challenge 1.45 The Model Empire 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Crwydro 8.30 Da 'Di Dil 'De 9.00 Driven 9.30 Friends 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Father Ted 11.05 Scrubs 11.35 Model Behaviour 12.05 Da Ali G Show 12.40 Bo Selecta!

1.10 Meet Ricky Gervais 1.40 FILM: The Howling 3.20 Brazilian Championship Football

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Everybody's Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Toffs behind Bars Only on Channel Five could a programme like this be commissioned. Gawd bless ‘em.

9.00 A Mind to Kill 11.00 FILM: Animal Instincts With Maxwell Caulfield. Am I going mad, or was he in Grease 2 as the sexy yet repressed English student who goes all Hell’s Angel for the love of an adolescent Michelle Pfeiffer?

Classic film. Remind me to rent that again.

12.50 Live with... Chris Moyles 1.15 FILM: Game of Love 2.50 FILM: Aloha, Bobby and Rose 4.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

FILM: The Firm BBC1 11.05pm

ITV 1 6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Soft Sell 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Brilliant Creatures 4.00 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.35 Harry and the Wrinklies 5.05 You've Been Framed! The portly Lisa Riley presents more ‘hilarious’ video ‘howlers’. And they say television’s being dumbed down.

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Fat Friends 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Tarrant on TV 11.30 Jigsaw 12.00 Barry Welsh is Coming Oh, the innuendo... 12.30 Night and Day 1.25 The Machine 1.50 ITV at the Festivals 2002 2.40 Mixmasters 3.05 Cybernet 3.35 Motorsport UK 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News If I killed all the members of Nickelback, would it get their new single out of my head? No? Might just try it - to be on the safe side, you know.

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6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Watercolour Challenge 1.45 Howard Goodall's Great Dates 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Yr Enwog Ffred 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Siopa Byw 8.30 Bob a'i Fam 9.00 Forever Summer with Nigella 9.30 From House to Home 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 11.35 Model Behaviour 12.05 Alias 1.15 Hollywood Vice 1.45 ALT-TV - Waiting for Khyron 2.15 FILM: Beau Travail

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: High Noon 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 The Great Stink A documentary about Steve Hurst’s immense body odour problem. 9.00 FILM: The Matrix Mmmm....Keanu Reeves, naked and covered in slime. Ahem. Did I say that out loud? 11.35 Live with... Chris Moyles Topical entertainment show, recorded live from a north London pub.

12.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.45 Dutch Football 2.20 Argentinian Football 3.55 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.45 Major League Soccer

CH4. As S4C except: 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 4Learning 12.00 Nikki 12.25 Cheers 12.55 Ally McBeal 1.45 Judging Amy 2.35 Sweet Tooth: War Sweets 2.45 Watercolour Challenge 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Model Behaviour 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Why Do Architects Care So Much About Roofs? 8.00 Brookside8.30 Forever Summer with Nigella 9.00 The Man Who Saved Rome 10.35 Smack the Pony Remix 11.05 Scrubs 11.40 The Best of TV Go Home 12.10 The Sopranos 1.20 Hollywood Vice 1.50 Who Wouldn't Want to Marry a Millionaire? 2.40 Alt-TV Series 3.05 Five Nations Karting Cup Action 3.35 Trans World Sport 4.30 Speedway Grand Prix 5.20 Countdown

CH4. As S4C except: 9.00 Happy Days Ah, blast from the past. I quite fancied Ritchie. Am I strange? 9.30 Beckett on Film: Happy Days. 10.30 Beckett Film Project: Ohio Impromtu. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Technology Programme.

11.40 Book Box. 11.55 My Brilliant Career: Architecture. 12.00 Icons: Elizabeth Taylor 12.15 Cheers 12.45 FILM: They Who Dare 2.45 Watercolour Challenge 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Model Behaviour 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 ALT-TV - A Dad for Aina 8.00 Driven 8.30 Brookside 9.00 Friends 9.30 Will and Grace 10.00 Will and Grace 10.30 Da Ali G Show 11.05 Bo Selecta! A man with a large Craig David mask torments old ladies. Am I getting too old to appreciate edgy comedy, or is this really crap?11.40 Meet Ricky Gervais A preThe Office Ricky does his thing. Which reminds me, watch The Office. It’s class.

That is all. 12.10 Model Behaviour 1.10 Late-Night Poker2.10 Bar Wars 3.10 Brazilian Championship Football 4.55 GT on 4 5.25 Countdown

Friday 11 October

Television

BBC 1

30.09.01

Focus

The gair rhydd Features Section Free Word 727 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

Life long loaning

With many students leaving Uni in debt to the tune of £15k, debt is as much of a problem as ever. Kathryn Edwards wonders if Blair’s popularity will die out before our debt does.

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roubles in the world of higher education couldn’t get much worse for the government after this summer’s A-Level crisis. Or could it? Well, the powers that be know they have a huge peace-making task to do to win round the many dissatisfied young people who have been left to cope at university without even the support previous generations struggled by on. Cash.

Dosh. Lolly. Whatever you want to call it, the truth is that every year thousands of students are forced to drop out of their courses because of financial difficulties, while many more damage their studies after taking part time work to sustain their living costs.

Figures from the National Union of Students reveal that the average student now leaves university owing £1215,000, and other research suggests that female graduates may not pay off all their student debts until they are 65 years old. Statistics like these, along with personal experience, all go to show that the notion of life-long learning has now been replaced by lifelong loaning for a whole generation of voters. But what exactly is New Labour, the government that abolished grants at the same time as introducing tuition fees in 1997, doing to appease the situation?

The opinions of the friends and families of three million people presently in higher education are on the line and as a recent survey for the Association of University Teachers (AUT) showed, over 80% of the general public want to see a much larger increase in university funding.

Thus, the education select committee was sent away to package the present student funding situation into something fluffier and more cuddly before the next election. So far results have been minimal, but there has been ample speculation.

The most promising murmurs came in August this year when unconfirmed reports hinted that maintenance allowances (grants, to you and me) of about £30 a week might be introduced for students from families with incomes of less than £13,000 a year.

Members of the Welsh Assembly had already announced in February that similar help would be available to students from Wales – a breakthrough in principle, but the amounts being talked about would not be adequate enough to even cover the costs of average rents in Cathays, let alone

Hungry for more: Piling on the pounds seems inevitable at Uni these days other living costs.

There’s another flaw. Means testing students on the basis of their parents’ income. At present, the amount you have pay in tuition fees or the size of your loan is all worked out according to how much mummy or daddy earns, but what happens when parents don’t contribute? One friend of mine was stuck at the beginning of her second year when her father was made redundant and she was left with no other choice than to apply for another credit card with which to pay her fees herself, while sustaining two part-time jobs during term-time.

A rebate for the fees was possible, but it was a long and complicated process, involving a whole reassessment of her parents’ situation, and most importantly it was of little help to her at the time. Another friend of mine was disowned by his parents after telling them he was gay, and, being unable to prove that he was estranged from them, he was left dealing with the costs himself, eventually forcing him to drop out. The sensible solution is to means-test the student, and not their families.

Another idea that has been mentioned is ‘top-up fees’, a favourite with vice chancellors at some universities unsatisfied with the

amount of funding institutions receive.

Students would be required to pay extra to study certain courses, such as medicine or law, which would be unlikely to be means-tested, so automatically would create a class system even within various faculties.

An introduction of a graduate tax would be the lesser of these evils, and would mean that instead of paying for tuition upfront, students would pay back these costs after graduation. It still has its critics though, and the arguments against a graduate tax are similar to those against the present student loans. The government’s logic when it comes to loan repayment is that graduates, on average, earn substantially more than those without degrees (about £500,000 over a lifetime), but if this is the case why do loans have to paid back once a graduate earns a meagre £10,000, much less than the average wage?

The figures themselves show that if those with degrees do earn the average amount more than non-graduates that the government suggests, they would end up paying about £100,000 more through income tax alone over their working lives, arguably covering more than just their education costs. Besides, there is still the issue about safeguarding students from the last five

or six years from paying twice for their education if such a system was launched.

The final, and perhaps worst of the potential evils is the talk of commercial rate loans. These would mean that while loans might be increased for students at the time they need them, it would also be the end of interest-only-at-the-rate-of-inflation and you could look at paying an extra 15% or so per year of your already huge debt.

It’s a sure-fire way of scaring poorer students even further away from higher education, and that’s even before the debate about where the interest that you would be paying would actually go, be it the universities, welfare state or just a private finance firm.

As if balancing these options could not get more difficult for a government anxious not to upset the electorate while being as thrifty as possible, extra problems are being caused for New Labour spin doctors by the not- ‘onmessage’-enough Margaret Hodge, the current minister for higher education and life-long learning (more affectionately known as ‘HELL’).

After an interview earlier this year for a political website, Hodge remarked that that students should not be able to “have a ruddy good time at

the expense of the taxpayer”, failing to realise that taxpayers contribute nothing towards student funding. Her latest faux pas came a few weeks ago on a BBC radio phone-in when she said that university students should stop moaning because college students are even poorer. Her comments were seen as flippant, especially coming from a minister with responsibility for higher education, and to suggest that the dismal state of further education should be used as a comparison outraged many Actually it is Hodge herself who has been repeatedly pressing for 50% of young people to be in higher education by 2010, a suspiciously round number, which Whitehall whispers suggest was made as an off-hand remark by a senior cabinet minister and then announced by another minister who had taken the figure seriously.

If this is true, the damage has already been done and unless the government wants to do a u-turn it needs a miracle to acquire these numbers of students in the next eight years, considering that at the moment just 13% of students from the lowest socio-economic backgrounds go to university, compared to 73% from professional backgrounds. The fact is that 50% of the population will simply be unable to afford higher education under the present system. With the news that Euan Blair is starting at Bristol University this month, the PM becomes the latest of a string of ministers and civil servants to finance their offspring through higher education – they all know too well the personal expenses involved. It would be surprising then if little changes following this review, expected any month, but we need to be wary that it is more than just a quick fix solution attempting to gloss over the ‘moaners’ and tranquillise angry university heads.

But that’s not to say that we haven’t got an important part to play in what happens. NUS president, Mandy Telford, says: “Students have been waiting for this review for over a year now and this term is going to be a vital one. We need to keep up the pressure not just in Westminster, but across the whole UK. “We will of course be running lobbies and mass meetings and we need as many students as possible to get involved - not just in affecting the outcome of the review but also shaping our response to it.” So there you go, your fate is in your hands.

Inside Focus this week: The student finance debate continues • Why we shouldn’t worry about war • The fortnight’s hottest celebrity news • Scrutinising the role of music awards

Focus • 12

gair rhydd Monday 30 September 2002

War of the worlds

As the world teeters on the brink of war, Abbi Shaw wonders whether war is really the best way to prove a point, no matter how important your point is.

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he “anniversary” of 9/11 or, more accurately, the recognition of the fact that it is now a year since the terrorist destruction of the World Trade Centre became the sole focus of world media. Newspapers reprinted their technicolour shots of fireballs and dustclouds rising over the island of Manhattan, whilst the television continually regurgitated the shocking and distressing pictures of ash-covered people fleeing the wreckage of their workplace and those less fortunate leaping from their windows, that they might choose their method of death.

This all struck me as an unusually macabre way of marking the occasion, driving me to wonder exactly why we should be being subjected to these images in the name of commemoration, and I arrive at the conclusion that there are two reasons for this.

Firstly, it is a reflection of our voyeuristic and vacuous culture. The public devours calamities of all kinds, as the depth of coverage enables us to involve ourselves completely, emotionally and intellectually. The need to remind many people in Great Britain of the frightening sense of involvement they felt in events occurring in another country, and at that, in a country usually so self-contained about its problems and crises could only then be met by inducing the same emotional pull on the public that they felt on the day itself.

The other, and more instrumental, reason is that this coverage provides us with what I can only describe as justification. It gives the public justification for their fears of further attacks, for their shock, their irrational distrust of people, or airlines, for their new attitudes to their neighbours, families and colleagues. Even Denise Robertson has claimed that the nation clings to trauma in an attempt to blame their irrational lack of happiness on something.

But worst of all, I fear that it may be bracing us for the worst, as it provides George W. Bush with his only justification for war, something that, in a culture which promotes mass hysteria, I cannot believe can be the right thing for the world at this time. Our sense of ‘human rights’ and our modern, generally accepted sense of ethics no longer permit the killing of anyone not personally responsible for ‘terrorism’. This is very advanced, perhaps, and maybe it does make us a more humane planet, but unfortunately it is not one which can host a war, when this idea of protecting the people of a country and then simultaneously blowing it to kingdom come is quite obviously not one that is going to work.

The main issue is Bush’s actions all appear to be based on little more than a reaction to the terrorist attacks. Granted, America is not used to being taken on in this way. Such unpredictable and

devastating things do not happen to the land of Starbucks, and therefore we can, to an extent, forgive political mishandling of the situation. But what I find unforgivable is America’s, or should I say Bush’s, childish war-mongering that serves no other purpose than to falsely and dangerously attempt to assert itself as the political realisation of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And to back up that strange comparison, I can reveal that American MoD documents were circulated which

encouraged employees to consider the situation in those very terms – this is no word of a lie, I promise you – in an attempt to drum up some kind of spirit and enforced morality. However, the rest of the world is not falling for such demands for “just revenge” or for the false camaraderie of that appallingly textbook “you are either with us [America] or against us” speech. Bush has made it patently clear that he wants a war, with anyone, anywhere, and he doesn’t care why.

“We are being prepared, indeed, we are made to expect that our worlds will collide and only America can save us.”

Having almost miraculously felled Afghanistan’s Taliban regime and replaced it with a floundering coalition, you might think that some kind of revenge and liberation of people had occurred, but no. That distant memory of onesided, strangely uncomplicated “war” is long gone, and now we are told on an almost daily basis that “more attacks will occur”, that Iraq poses a “very real threat” and the like. We are being prepared, indeed, we are made to expect that our worlds will collide and only America can save us. This is exactly the mentality that George Bush wishes us all to adopt. If, his reasoning must go, America is seen to be twice the country it was last year, leaner, more muscular, and not afraid to press its little red button, nobody will attack it, and instead we will all flock to be States 52-100 of the USA. Unfortunately we’re not in the playground now, George, and you cannot terrorise countries into being your friend because if they’re not you’ll steal their lunch money. I believe he forgets the nature of his opposition – people who believe their religion rewards them for a terrorist’s death, and

therefore people who will indeed walk into the jaws of the lion, hoping to perhaps to achieve nothing more than to chip its back tooth. We will be fighting a war with people who are on a completely different frequency to us.

Furthermore, it seems strange, and more than a little disturbing, that Bush has decided now is the time to pick on Iraq, who, for better or for worse have been thankfully quiet since the Gulf War. Under no circumstances would I like to pledge my support for Mr. Hussein, the most repulsive world leader for decades, yet even I can see that any successful attempt on his life would simply make a martyr of him and cause still more of a reaction against the West. That aside however, I would like to know exactly how Bush thinks he can make a better job of the situation this time than he did in the Gulf War; and secondly, if he realises that it’s quite possible that ending Saddam’s rule over Iraq will not produce the happy, free nation he hopes for. Disagreeing with the way in which his country is run is not a valid reason to wage war with them – that way lies a repeat of the atrocities of Vietnam, a war which provoked strong reaction at the time, but in today’s culture, such a war would have been so ethically dividing that it would tear world politics, the United Nations, and all our potential safeguards apart.

The bottom line here is that this War, if it happens, is not our decision. It is not even the American public’s decision. It is not the decision of the 190 countries that are members of the United Nations. If we trusted that our leaders knew best then perhaps we would follow them into war without question, but George Bush and his mates in the White House have an inability to form sentences, let alone to make speeches, and Tony Blair seems to think that he is nothing to do with Britain or Europe (when usually he’s so keen to ask “How high?” as soon as Brussels yells “Jump!”), and instead that he is the First Lady of America.

Good luck to them, because we can’t stop them, Bush and Blair, we can only wait to see how the whole, terrible saga will end, and whether or not we’ll live to see it.

Thus we can see why it is that people feel the need to be reminded of the events in New York, New York, now over a year ago in such explicit detail. It provides the only therapy we can find for our fears and our uncertainties, and our complete lack of control over the further existence of our own nations and lives - not to mention the feeling that those who are in control of these things are possibly the last people we’d like them to be. It remains only to be said that it is an extremely sad state of affairs when the only way to deal with them is to brace ourselves to accept the worst case scenario and to think that our only possible salvation is the idea that Bush gets a sudden pretzel craving in the near future…

The changing face of the countryside

By Rik Scott

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t is a fact that only 15% of the entire landmass of Great Britain is built upon by man-made structures. In an attempt to rectify this, there is currently a vicious debate happening as to whether or not Greater London should be extended through and beyond the greenbelt, into Surrey and Kent. The key question is, though, is more building a rape of the landscape or a necessary way of accommodating the growing population of the country.

Churches all across the country are in talks with mobile phone companies, who are offering them large sums of money to place transmission masts on the their spires of their churches. Unsurprisingly, the

locals in these areas – particularly Wiltshire and Somerset – are outraged by the prospect. They are not angry about the defamation of the honour of the Church, or the fact that God is eventually selling out to the corporations. First, they are worried that their children will absorb radiation whilst on their way into Sunday school. Secondly, they are distressed about the prospect of looking out their windows to see not trees and fields and old buildings, but seeing transmission masts.

Similarly, the view of Salisbury cathedral was voted as the best in Britain by readers of Country Life magazine, and now, to celebrate, some imaginative developers want to obscure the view with new houses. As usual, the local people don’t

understand that if they want their towns to thrive and grow, they need new people, and those people need somewhere to live.

This resistance to building is symptomatic of the British public’s insular tendencies to alienate their communities from the outside world. And the truth is that most of the people who want to preserve the countryside don’t even use it, they just look at it as they drive past on their way to the gym or to work. It is very well that trees and fields look nice, but unless we’re monkeys, they don’t provide us with places to live.

The countryside is being increasingly put at risk of renovation, and, with 85% spare, it might just be Protest in action about time.

Focus • 13

gair Rhydd Monday 30th September 2002

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Dynamite explodes at Mercury’s

Alex Macpherson questions the integrity of the Mecury Music Prize’s judges and rubbishes award ceremonies in general.

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okenistic; safe; coffee-table bland. Though keen to be portrayed as the award which rewards talent over sales figures and musical quality over not-so-hidden industry agendas, these charges and more have been annually levelled at the Mercury Music Prize. Less than a week after this year’s trophy was won by Ms Dynamite, it seems an appropriate time to examine these criticisms.

It is abundantly clear that the artists nominated for the Mercury are, by and large, more credible than those nominated for other major awards. Past winners Suede, Portishead, Roni Size and PJ Harvey have produced some of the best music of the past decade; surely there can be nothing wrong with an award which honours this? And yet it’s hard to get away from certain fundamentally disturbing aspects of the whole process.

Each year, one classical album and one jazz album appear on the shortlist. Recognition of two genres which have been increasingly marginalised in a popular culture dictated by Radio 1 and MTV playlists is, of course, vitally important; but the nomination of token albums from these genres in order to give an outward appearance of eclecticism – even though these sops to diversity will never have a genuine shot at winning a prize specifically designed for pop and rock music - the Mercury effectively cements the outsider status of jazz and classical music in popular culture. The somewhat patronising assertion that there happens to be just one jazz album and one classical album worthy of the shortlist each year is more ludicrous when Jools Holland feels able to mention Joanna MacGregor, a concert pianist of breathtakingly passionate virtuosity, in the same breath as The Electric Soft Parade.

Indeed, in maintaining a façade of eclecticism, the Mercury shortlist consistently overlooks genuine innovation. Artists whose music is deemed too ‘weird’ for the one-album-a-year brigade responsible for the tripling of a winning LP’s sales, such as Mogwai or Leila, are allowed nowhere near the shortlist; it’s no coincidence that PJ Harvey won the award only when she produced an album of

Fried gold

Dynamite: Ready for world domination? straightforward, uncomplicated rock.

In any case, her upset of bookies’ favourites Zero 7 last year came as no surprise to many connected with the music industry. In a recent interview, Mogwai’s Stuart Braithwaite revealed that “my wife works for a big concert promoter... she’d been told two months before that Polly Harvey was going to win [the Mercury] because they’d never given it to a woman before”. Coupled with the sidelining of artists with renowned anti-music industry sentiments in favour of their more inoffensive counterparts – Talvin Singh in place of Asian Dub Foundation, and this year’s nomination of the unrelentingly bland Gemma Hayes over the fierce political intensity of Thea Gilmore rather hollow. More accurately, it’s all about music which doesn’t scare Dido fans and musicians who won’t embarrass the Mercury committee with inconvenient political statements.

There was also the sense that Harvey’s award was

something of a reward for her career as a whole, rather than the merits of her 2000 LP Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea. In a similar fashion, this year’s winner, Ms Dynamite, appears to have won on the basis of her immense and burgeoning promise rather than because her A Little Deeper LP was the best on the shortlist. Both The Streets and Doves had produced more accomplished albums, but Ms Dynamite has a unique status in the music industry: she is, quite literally, the only artist simultaneously capable of appealing en masse to a generation raised on anodyne pop pap while tackling social issues in an overtly politicised manner. It’s clear that a sales boost for A Little Deeper - which has sold significantly less thus far than most major pop and r’n’b albums would have a far greater impact on the current chart culture than a similar boost for either Doves or The Streets. PJ Harvey’s win last year resulted only in her most commercially successful LP. Ms Dynamite’s win has the potential to keep a political and relevant artist in the upper echelons of the charts and - one can only hope - go some way to destroying the all-pervading political apathy of her generation.

So, then, if a supposedly credible award in fact hands its trophies out on the basis of factors other than how good a particular album is – and to think that a prize which puts so many sales at stake could remain free of industry agenda would be extremely naïve – how can it retain any semblance of this credibility? The Mercury committee may have made a choice with potentially good consequences this year, but under the pretence that A Little Deeper was better than any other album on the shortlist.

The concept of art as competition is inherently flawed by subjectivity, while the Brit Awards can be based on objective sales figures, the Mercury judges would - if they did the job they claim to do - face a near-impossible task.

Yet the factors taken into account by the Mercury committee in compiling its shortlist and in deciding the eventual winner render its purported aim utterly meaningless from an artistic point of view; all it can lay claim to being is a slighly better class than the Brit Awards.

No. 1

cultural highlights of the fortnight by Daniel Barnes

Tantrums and Taras

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s far as the editors of this Page are concerned, Tara Palmer Tomkinson is the new Britney.

After all the seething sexual tension between her and the walking abortion that is Darran Day, and having survived the manly wrath of Rona Cameron and the absurd idiocy of Nigel Benn, Tara breezed through not as the winner, but as the most emotionally volatile and amazingly entertaining personality on British television since Vanessa Feltz on Big Brother.

Tara was absolute fried gold as she lunged headlong into war with whichever fellow celebrity dared to cross her emotional path, whilst Tony “King of the Jungle” Blackburn removed himself from all notions of sanity and befriended a pile of logs.

Although a deserving winner, the veteran DJ, let himself down a bit by not keeping up the pretence that he is a bubbly radio personality and instead chose to reveal to us his true self as a bumbling old man who talks to pieces of wood.

Whilst troubled, stirred and boiled, Christine Hamilton managed to surpress thoughts of her husband’s debts long enough to be the ultimate bossy old lady, whilst all the time proudly proclaiming “I’m going to be bossy on this programme”. In the end, she became the perfect image of a frazzled old hippie

who honestly thinks that everything can be solved merely through talking to people – and we can be sure that this philosophy isn’t going to help poor old Neil.

The most nauseating person on the show, who had no chance of wining, has to be Uri Geller. How can a man be so rude and intrusive and yet at the same time appear to be so gentle and polite? Mr Geller is a terrifying paradox of a man who should never be allowed on British television again. Fortunately barely anything has been heard from him since the show ended, and hopefully it will stay that way.

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Flop Stars

he fun has at last started again. Popstars is back. For all of you who weren’t around last year thus missing our hideous and unnatural obsession with Pop Idol, (not to mention my almost outrageous delight at every word spoken and every move made by Will Young), you are in for quite a treat. We will be bringing you constant updates on the progress of the wannabes as they battle it out to make a whole new girlband and boyband.

We have already witnessed what I suspect will be the divine highlight of the series, in the form of the two Romanian girls who insist on consistently turning up at every audition and sing their whimsical

Cheeky? Rather more freaky “We are the cheeky girls” song. Apart from looking like teenage mothers, they appear to be deluded into thinking that the public might genuinely like them (rather than just lovingly mocking them in that very British way).

Singing talent has not so far proved to be too sparse. Some great voices have graced the judges’ ears, which everyone concerned is grateful for.

However, didn’t any of these hopefuls ever read Top of the Pops Magazine, or watch the television before they applied? Everyone knows that pop is all about looks – and none of these people are even vaguely attractive. What is becoming of the world? Not that I expect to see another Ronan, but I was rather hoping for more attention to aesthetics than just fourteen layers of makeup or a tight t-shirt.

Reserving judgement for the time being, I eagerly await to see what the next shows bring. Watch this page as if it were Spielberg movie – with acute scepticism, but hoping for a happy ending.

Non-sabb ● 14

Non-sabb news

gair rhydd MONDAY 30TH SEPTEMBER 2002

All change in the Graduate Centre

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his summer the Graduate Centre has had a revamp, and at long last the bar furniture has been replaced. Postgraduates who were here last year will remember plastic tablecloths, authentic 1970s stripy easychairs, the bright orange and blue walls, smoke hanging in the air ... well it’s all gone now.

The air conditioning has finally been repaired, the furniture is new (including sofas) and the walls have been repainted (tastefully this time!)

The transformation of the Cap & Gown Café Bar was sampled by postgrads on Friday 20th September at the preview night. The combination of happy hour prices and the new decor attracted a large crowd to the bar. Leo Brewster, a third year PhD student commented on the revamp. “It’s well worth the investment, a real improvement. I hope more postgrads use it now.”

The Graduate Centre manager, Terri Delahunty, oversaw the redevelopment work. She said “students have

but those who have seen the changes agree that it was worth the wait.

It’s not only on the social side that things have changed in the Graduate Centre. There been asking for these is now improved academic improvements for a long time support for research students and I am delighted that we with a year-round programme have been able to respond to of skills training available. their requests. A group of These sessions will be open to students were involved in the process of selecting the design all postgraduate research students at the university, and bid. The changes that have will range from practical skills been made significantly such as IT Whether you want your lunch, a courses to drink, or to develop your skills, the generic skills Graduate Centre is the place to be. such as project management and time management. It is also hoped improve the quality of the that a more informal research Centre’s facilities. I’d students support group will be encourage all postgraduates established. and university staff to come There has been some and take a look for debate within the university themselves.” about what the skills training Other refurbishment in the programme should cover.

Graduate Centre this summer However there are a number has included repairing the of benefits from providing heating in the Reading Room these courses centrally. and the air handling system in Postgraduates have the the IT room, new carpets in opportunity to meet students the corridors and reception from other departments, the area, and the installation of an courses can be delivered by accessible toilet. It has people experienced in that definitely been a summer of field, and the burden on disruption for users, especially academic departments is for master’s students obviously reduced. completing their dissertation's,

Professor Ellis, the Deputy Vice-Chancellor, who is responsible for research in the university, is pleased with the way the plans for the scheme have come together. He said “the University has a long history of concern that training for research students extends beyond the narrow requirements for completing their PhDs. What the new scheme is intended to do is increase the provision of transferable skills training for students across all disciplines, using the excellent Graduate Centre facilities.”

So whether you want your lunch, a drink, or to develop your skills, The Graduate Centre is the place to be. It’s open Monday to Saturday, 8am to midnight, and Sunday 12pm to midnight. The Cap & Gown Café Bar is open Monday to Friday 11am to 11pm. As well as postgraduate students, the Centre welcomes all university staff to come and enjoy the bar facilities. The happy hour continues every

Graduate Centre relaunch: relaxing scenes week on Fridays from 4pm7pm with lots of special offers

on drinks.

Dave Manning

The students’ union has also showed its commitment to postgrad students by creating the post of Postgraduate Officer. I have been elected to represent postgrads in the union, and the university.

I need your help to do this so if you have an opinion about the university, whether it’s about your department, the Graduate Centre, the union or anything else, please get in touch by emailing manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk. You can also get involved by standing for Students’ Union Council or being a member of the Postgraduate Students’ Representative Committee (PGSRC). If you are interested email me and I’ll send you the details. Dave Manning (Postgraduate Officer)

2002

Are you the next Superstar DJ? Get ready. Coming up at your student union is the mixitmoto student DJ competition, guaranteed to separate the best from the rest. !

Your student union heat winner will go on to the MixitMoto grand final in London this December, where battle will commence to determine just who is the Mixitmoto superstar DJ of the year.!

Think you’re worthy of a place amongst the DJ elite? Get your entry ! in fast for a chance to win the ultimate prize package that includes:!

• Representation from DJ agency CODA.!

• £500 to buy equipment.!

• The opportunity to mix a cover CD for Mixmag.!

• The opportunity to remix a Cornershop tune.!

• A state-of-the-art Motorola mobile phone.!

• A cameo role in the new film ‘It's all gone Pete Tong’ from the # # producers of ‘Human Traffic’, and the opportunity to mix a record # # for the film’s soundtrack album.!

Supported by

It’s all gone Pete Tong !

Entry details

Wannabe DJs should send mix tapes or CDs (max 20 mins in length) to: MixitMoto, C/O NUS Ents, 45 Underwood Street, London, N1 7LG, enclosing name, university, contact address, email and phone number. Closing date is 4 October 2002.! !

For more information, please email mixitmoto@nus-ents.co.uk ! or visit www.hellomoto.com and click MixitMoto.

gair rhydd are you, or do you want to be a... page designer proof-reader reviewer feature writer sub-editor

columnist

society organiser

photographer

news writer

web-designer

..why not give it a go

joining party Wednesday 2nd October @ 7.00pm in The Junction, Solus

Can’t make it?

Visit us on 4th floor of the Union Any time, we’ll be here*

all welcome – get involved *gutted

Monday 30th September / Sport Page39

Bluebirds left empty handed Report by David Williams FOR CARDIFF City supporters the last year has dealt them the highs and lows of modern day football. From the ecstasy of the FA Cup win over Leeds to the dramatic defeat in the play-offs to Stoke, the past nine months have been a rollercoaster ride.

With the Sam Hammam regime firmly in place and a solid start to the season, the prospect of a 3rd round FA Cup meeting with Premiership giants Leeds United was almost too good to be true.

The incentive for the Cardiff players was not just a financial one, but a real chance to show other clubs that they meant business.

However, after a goal by Mark Viduka the prospect of progressing to the next round seemed far away.

Yet, a superb free-kick just before half-time though from player of the season Graham Kavanagh brought the scores level and with only five minutes remaining Scott Young pounced to score and send the Cardiff supporters into raptures.

However, the repercussions of the celebratory pitch invasion which followed had lasting effects on Cardiff's season.

And the ensuing crowd trouble led to a severe reprimand by the games governing bodies.

After defeat in the 4th round to Tranmere the players were able to concentrate on the league. But it was not long before another set back for the club when manager Alan Cork, after a successful term in charge was replaced with Lennie Lawrence.

Lawrence's impact was immediate. He went back to his old club Middlesbrough to sign youngster Andy Campbell, an England under21 international.

Campbell teamed up with another million pound man, Peter Thorne, and together they proved to be the most potent attack in the second division.

With the automatic places going to Brighton and Reading, Cardiff had to settle for the play-offs, where Stoke City would be their opponents in the semi-final.

A 1-1 draw in the first-leg looked promising as the teams met for the return at Ninian Park, and Cardiff's prospects had looked even better when they took a 1-0 half-time lead.

With the game entering the last minute and Stoke throwing everyone forward the unthinkable happened and the Potters equalised.

And with the Bluebirds in shock, Stoke struck five minutes from the final whistle to end the dream of the Cardiff supporters.

The pre-season period was a time of reflection for the players and supporters. What could have been a new season in division one, is another in division two. Exactly what Sam Hammam hadn't planned for his club.

With a long season ahead and a poor start already, the 20022003 campaign could be another tough one for the

Controversial Sam Hammam

email grsport@hotmail.com

Buck tooth wonder returns Rugby preview Cont. from back page

Report by Riath Al-Samarrai

STANDING TEARFUL in the Yokohama Stadium clutching the Jules Rimet Trophy, the token of a life’s work, Ronaldo, third time lucky had claimed football’s greatest prize.

Arguably one of the greatest players of the modern day era, Ronaldo had always been on the verge of the crowning glory that would define an already distinguished career.

Four years previous, Ronaldo cut an all together different picture.

Coming into the fifteenth FIFA World Cup Finals at France ‘98, only 21 years of age, already twice crowned World Player of the Year, Ronaldo carried the weight of a world’s expectations on his shoulders. The pace, strength and skill that had set the football world alight would be on display for all to see and failure was not an option.

Not since the flair exploits of Maradona, Pele and Best has any one player courted so much attention.

In the Parisian moonlight at the Stade d’France, on the night of the final against host nation France, Ronaldo was again tearful, though not with joy. The pressure had told. Lining up to take to the field Ronaldo looked unfit and was clearly not himself.

Ronaldo was slow, his usually sharp cutting edge had been blunted, and the smile he wore had been turned upside down.

Ronaldo looked like a man just going through the motions. It was an impostor out there, not the shining light of the samba boys that had shone in the build up to the finals.

Brazil lost that final 3-0, and the rumour mills were turning at pace with stories suggesting reasons why, on the ideal stage to show his superiority, Ronaldo failed to perform.

Ronaldo allegedly suffered a fit on the eve of the final, and was subsequently removed from the Brazilian squad, only to be drawn back in the last minute, fuelling speculation that national team sponsors Nike had demanded that their most marketable face would have to play.

This was the spark to the touch paper that would instigate four years of hell.

Exhausted and humiliated after Paris, Ronaldo returned to play for Italian side Inter Milan at the start of the 98/99 season.

However, the tide was turning, after enjoying numerous successes as the world’s most gifted player, things started to go wrong, beginning with him being struck down with a crippling knee injury that would keep him on the sidelines for seven months.

In the space of just a few weeks, Ronaldo, known as "The Phenomenon" in Italy for his immense talent, had fallen from grace. One minute he was billed as "the next Pele," but soon became the game’s biggest underachiever since George Best.

Only minutes into his highly publicised comeback Ronaldo again incurred the wrath of the football gods. Turning to escape a challenge from Lazio defender Fernando Couto, the right knee went again but this time it was more serious.

Staring up to another year in the stands Ronaldo brakes down, and even considered quitting the game that has given him so much heartbreak.

From the hostility of the Parisian crowd to the humidity of the San Siero, "The Phenomenon" had seen it all come and go.

Over the next couple of years of rigorous rehabilitation and numerous cancelled comeback attempts, Ronalo’’s big comeback could not have been any more dramatic.

Playing a few games at the back end of the Italian domestic season, and a couple of meaningless international friendlies Ronaldo would be put on trial in front of the world all over again. Japan and Korea would play host to the football extravaganza Eight years after watching Romario and co lift the cup in America as an unused squad member aged just seventeen, and four years after his heartbreak in France, Brazil’s favourite son would return to the world stage with a point to prove.

Forget Zidane, Rivaldo, Figo and any other who dared to contend for the title of world’s greatest player, Ronaldo was back to reclaim the title that injury had robbed from him.

Lacking match fitnes, many expected Ronaldo to struggle, but moments after the whistle sounded in Brazil’s opener against Turkey, donning his famous number nine jersey, the bucktoothed wonder was again tormenting defences with that mesmerising pace and predatory instinct, and got himself on the

score sheet.

The first of six strikes that would help Brazil through to their third final in succession.

The final would mark Ronaldo’s comeback. The second attempt to cap his career. Standing on the brink of the Golden Boot award, Ronaldo was back with a vengeance but was far from finished.

In the final Ronaldo claimed both goals in a 2-0 defeat of Germany to not only return Brazil to the pinnacle of world football, but to reinstate himself as the face of football.

The Bernabeau of Real Madrid is the new stomping ground, and though he is yet to make his debut, expect more fireworks from the samba star.

things couldn’t be more critical.

With only seven points and a win over Ulster to show for their efforts, they will need to call on their international players to take them into the knock-out stages of the competition.

With the seemingly impossible task of beating New Zealand in November, Welsh coach Steve Hansen will at least have the chance to build up his team’s confidence with a match in Wrexham against Romania.

Hansen will then have Fiji and Canada to face before the All Blacks and the Six Nations starting in March. With the current form of the Welsh teams in the Celtic League, Hansen will be hoping for a turnaround in fortunes for the Welsh.

GR SPORTS QUIZ The definitive sports quiz, with prizes to match.

This week, a signed copy of the official FAW Yearbook from Ryan Giggs, a signed pot noodle from Gary Linekar, and (oddly) a copy of Bar Wars:Exposed from George Best. Don’t ask.

Email entries to grsport@hotmail.com 1.Who holds the longest standing men’s track record?

2.Who was Glamorgan’s leading wicket-taker in their Norwich Union Championship winning side this season?

3.Which football team plays at the Walkers Bowl?

4.Richie Burnett competes in which sport?

5.Where do Wigan Warriors play their rugby league home games?

6.Alan McNish features in which sport?

7.Which football team did Ian Botham play for?

8.Who holds the men’s long jump World record?

9.Sheffield Steelers play which sport?

10.How many players are on a netball team?

11.Who has scored the most international goals for the England football team?

12.Which rugby union team plays at the Gnoll?

13.Who won cricket’s County Championship first division this season?

14.How many times has Tim Henman reached the Wimbledon semi-finals?

15.Who won the men’s 100m at the Commonwealth Games in Manchester?

16.How many times has Michael Schumacher won the World Driver’s title 17.Where do Hampshire play their home cricket matches?

18.Where was this year’s Ryder Cup held?

19.Who contested the first rugby World Cup final?

20.Who won the 1996 cricket World Cup? 21.What is Everton’s nickname?

22.Where were the 1968 Olympics held?

23.What is the maximum break in snooker?

24.Who is the only footballer to have played in Manchester, Merseyside and Glasgow derbies?

25.What is the maximum checkout in darts?

26.How many ways can you be out in cricket?

27.What sport has the largest playing surface: 28.What is the minimum number of points needed to win a set in tennis?

29.Who did Mark Williams beat to win snooker’s World Championship in 2000?

30.And finally, name one sport featured in the International King of Sports tv show?

Giggs and his carrier bag, Helsinki and Tai Chi Geraint Rowlands and Meurig Hughes reporting from Helsinki FLYING OUT with a band of Welshmen on a trip to Scandinavia seemed pretty daunting at first.

The preparations were made in a pub last April and all seemed well.

Now, sitting in the departure lounge at 9:00 am with the bar full of red shirts and singing, it didn’t seem so cosy.

Touch down in Helsinki about 4:00pm having negotiated Copenhagen Airport on the way. Being rather drunk, travelling to two different time zones and

visiting England, Denmark and Finland before 4pm was no mean feat considering this had all been planned by two idiots at closing time from a little pub half way up some mountain in North Wales.

The FA of Wales had been kind enough to supply us with two press passes to all the pre-game press events, the game itself and post match interviews.

Bargain!

The power of gair rhydd had once again achieved so much, but we had eaten so little so Mr Ronald McDonald came to the rescue.

In the middle of Scandinavia what would be more appropriate than to sample the local drinking

establishments, and of course Molly Malone’s Irish Bar fitted the bill nicely.

Guinness appears to have conquered the majority of the Western world and Helsinki was no exception.

Saturday morning came all too quickly and the beauty of Helsinki came to light.

The wonderful lakes and parks that are scattered around the city are an ideal place to chill out and practice some Tai Chi. The people of Finland were a breath of fresh air, as everybody seemed adamant to help us have a blinding weekend in their Capital City.

The match itself was a

storm of emotion, as most Welsh matches tend to be.

Finland being dominant in possession, and yet Wales leading at half time.

The second goal simply personified the whole weekend. Wales taking all three points from Helsinki but the Finn’s were still pleasant and far more jovial than we would have been having lost 2-0!

Meeting the Welsh team after the game gave us the opportunity to chat with Gary Speed and Ryan Giggs, though why Giggsy chose to carry his kit in a bin bag compared to the Gucci offerings the rest of the squad were carrying, was beyond us both.

A slightly aggressive banner is a must Take some advice – travel to watch your team abroad on

the next available occasion.

“Why Giggsy chose to carry his kit in a bin bag compared to the Gucci offerings the rest of the squad were carrying, was beyond us both. Page 39

gair rhydd

Cardiff City

Ronaldo

The most exciting season in a decade ends with Cardiff treading water

The latest on the (future/possible/if we get rich) Spurs forward.

Sport email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 30th September / Free Word 727

Heaven in Helsinki Happy Days, Fonz get excited.

Geraint Rowlands and Meurig Hughes reporting from Helsinki Euro Champ Finland

0-2

Wales

WALES BEGAN their qualification campaign in Helsinki, and the significant army of Welsh fans, led by representatives from Gair Rhydd Sport, were not to be disappointed.

Taking on the Finn’s in Helsinki was no mean feat.

During the previous year England and Germany had come here in World Cup Qualifiers and both went away with only a point.

Finland were looking to begin their campaign with a home win against the unfancied Welsh team.

Antti Muurinen, Finnish Coach, predicted that by the end of the campaign in 2004, Wales would bottom the group alongside Azerbaijan.

However, Mark Hughes had other plans, claiming a point away from home, would be a sufficient goal for Wales.

The game began with a burst of atmosphere, echoing around the 35,833 capacity crowd in the Olympic Stadium.

The home fans were in fine voice, coupled with a travelling hoard of Welshmen, totalling

around 3,000 in number.

The early pressure was all one sided. Wales coming under fire from excellent crosses from the right by Mika Nurmela.

Gary Speed looked to lack pace, as Nurmella, created time and space for himself to cross the ball toward Kuqi, of Sheffield Wednesday. However, t he early pressure produced few clear cut chances. and Paul Jones was rarely tested.

After 30 minutes, a Paul Jones clearance deep into the opposition half, reached Speed, then a feint touch from Giggs allowed "Big" John Hartson to pounce and Wales were up and running with a 1 v 0 lead.

Although against the tide of play, it was evidence of the lightning ability of Wales’ counter attack system.

Finland continued to be dominate in terms of early possession.

However, Jari Litmanen failed to produce the performance expected of the former Liverpool striker. This was largely down to Danny Gabbidon of Cardiff City. His performance was outstanding in the centre of defence.

Captain, Gary Speed later commented "the emergence of the Cardiff lads is great for the international team. Despite the

PHOTO: GERAINT ROWLANDS

gulf between Premiership and Division 2, they have the ability to perform consistently at international level".

Hartson credited the stern talking to, given by Mark Hughes at half time, as the stimulus for the turn around in the midfield struggle. Johnson, Savage and Pembridge produced the goods to allow the Welsh back four a respite.

In the 72nd minute came a second Welsh goal. The sheer pace of the attack was phenomenal, as Giggs broke through to feed Simon Davies who calmly tucked the ball inside the far post, past the floundering Antti Niemi.

The travelling Army of Welsh fans sang their hearts out. A chant of "Are you England in disguise" came from the Welsh corner of the stand, as Finland continued to fail to break Wales down and the home crowd began to leave.

A 2 – 0 win away from home was far above any expectations harboured before the game. Now a final quarter of heavy Finnish pressure had to be negotiated before Wales could return home with the spoils of victory.

Finally, as the game edged closer to 90 minutes, Finland poured men forward and a number of shots came close, with

one beating Jones but hitting the post. Wales made the most of the open midfield and again troubled the Finnish defence with break away chances.

Bellamy, only being denied a clear chance on goal when Hartson headed over from 5 yards out.

After the game Mark Hughes proclaimed "It’s been a good night for us, We play a system that is counter attacking, because that

suites the players we have" Sparky added "It’s been a long process over 2 years but now we’re a lot stronger mentally.

We’ve come to a full house and performed".

Wales host Italy at the sold out Millennium stadium on October the 16th. Following a promising start to the campaign with a win in Helsinki, Wales can not afford to loose to the Italians on

Welsh winter of discontent Report by David Williams IF THE results of the opening Celtic League matches are anything to go by, the Welsh clubs are in for another testing season in pursuit of domestic silverware.

The current League standings do nothing to raise the spirit of the game in Wales as the national side embark on an Autumn of internationals which include a visit by the All Blacks and the improving Canada to the Millennium Stadium.

Despite the hive of transfer activity in the close season, the first two rounds of Celtic fixtures left Welsh clubs with no wins against Scottish or Irish opposition. And, after a month into the season, the tables do not look positive for any of the clubs in the Principality.

In Pool A, last years runners-up

Munster have already given themselves a comfortable cushion over second place Edinburgh.

Munster’s recent victory over Swansea showing just how far ahead of the rest they are.

And, with Connacht in second place in Pool B, the omens for the Six Nations clash in the New Year don’t look promising, with last years 54-10 win for the Irish looking another possibility.

With Edinburgh off to a good start in Pool A, their counterparts in Glasgow have gone one better and started with impressive wins over Newport and Bridgend.

The all round improvement in the Scottish clubs play is mirrored by the start made to the season by the newly formed Borders. Despite having seasoned internationals in

home soil. Though a more attractive performance is needed to combat the likes of Del Piero, Maldini and friends.

Goals: Hartson 30 min, Davies 72 min.

Bookings: Hyypia, Tihinen, Riihilahti, Tainio, Pembridge, Johnson.

p.39 If you ever get to watch Wales in Helsinki, read our guide first! their ranks, their lack of time together as a team has seen them pick up only three points from their opening fixtures.

In Pool A Neath have made the best start of the Welsh clubs followed by Llanelli, with Pontypridd and Cardiff in third and fourth places respectively in Pool B. With the pre-season upheavals taking their toll early on, Cardiff now look to have found the form which their supporters were looking for.

The departures of Rob Howley, John Humphries and coach Rudi Joubert seemed to have left a void, which the club would find hard to recover from. With Dai Young and Derwyn Jones moving into the coaching positions and the recent win over last years winners Leinster, Cardiff could be turning the corner.

At Swansea, pressure mounts as

Continued on page 39

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