gair rhydd - Issue 728

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Save our Wednesday afternoons

Monday 14th October / Free Word 728

Peter Bramwell reports ANGRY STUDENTS are gearing up behind a new campaign to keep Wednesday afternoons free from lectures, as the traditional break in the academic timetable comes under threat.

The Athletic Union is launching the campaign, ‘Keep Our Wednesdays Free’, as rumours circulate that some University departments are planning to schedule lectures on Wednesday afternoons. Their petition has so far attracted more than 1,000 signatures.

There have been no official reports as of yet, but rumour has it that the Business School is planning to infringe on Wednesday afternoons for teaching. When asked to

confirm these reports, Roger Mansfield, Head of Cardiff Business School, was unavailable for comment.

Alex Menary, Chairman of the University Hockey Club and AU vice-president, said, “Students are here to study, but they should be free to explore what the union has to offer and make the most of it.

“We have 54 clubs in the union, and 80 per cent of these take place on a Wednesday afternoon.”

Agreeing with Alex, Clare Narbitt, Vice-President of NUS Wales, stated that, “Institutions have to recognise that employers are recruiting graduates for their all-around capabilities and not just academic ability.

“Wednesday afternoons are vital for students to develop their personal skills. They

“Wednesday afternoons are vital for students to develop their personal skills.”

NUS WALES VICE-PRESIDENT CLARE NARBITT

The Voice of Cardiff Students

have traditionally been left free.”

With lectures finishing at 1.00pm on Wednesdays, many students already struggle to get to their chosen sport on time. But for those competing in the B.U.S.A leagues, it is a unfortunate reality that many are forced to skip lectures if they want to play.

The problem is particularly bad when students have to travel to away fixtures and need to leave early.

This issue has also been raised by postgraduate students, who - unlike most undergraduates - do not share the same rights to a free Wednesday afternoon.

Many postgraduates complain that they find it hard to take part in any sport at all.

David Manning, the nonsabbatical postgraduate officer at the Union, said: “Some Post-graduate research students, particularly in the science subjects, are actually obliged by contract to work on Wednesday afternoons. There is definitely

AU Officials with the petition they will present to the Vice-Chancellor a problem.”

The Athletic Union’s petition will be presented to the Vice-Chancellor of the University on Thursday.

Polly Hills, AU President said, “Compared to other institutions, we are lucky here in Cardiff at the moment as

not many departments schedule lectures on a Wednesday. But we are not going to take that for granted.

“We want to send a copy of the petition to every department in the University so that we can emphasise to the academics how important

sport really is. We have had a very good response from the students.”

If you are interested in signing the petition or getting involved in the campaign, then the AU can be contacted via email at MenaryA @Cardiff.ac.uk

No concessions please, we’re students Beth Kenure and Suzanne Carter report HEARD OF the new NUS student discount card? No?

Then join thousands of other students across Cardiff loosing out on their much-loved benefits.

NUS officials have

One student uses the new NUS card in Topman

introduced a swipe-card that must be used in conjunction with the existing university identification card in order to obtain discounts at stores such as HMV and Habitat.

In previous years, companies have been more than willing to use the traditional ID card as proof of student status. But this year has seen rising concerns of High Street fraud involving invalid NUS cards: primarily because the old card came with no guarantee that the person receiving the discount was a student.

“We’ve had a number of shops approaching us with concerns that NUS cards are very easy to duplicate,” explained National Union of Students secretary Penny Hollints.

“A company called ‘splashplastic’ approached us

with the idea of using a separate swipe-card to cut down on the problem.”

But many students who have heard of the new card are hardly thrilled with the initiative.

To continue enjoying money-off at high street stores, they now have to carry around a third card, along with the existing NUS card and the new CUS card.

Cardiff University Students’ Union officials have been less than enthusiastic about the project. Many claim little effort has been made to encourage student to apply for the cards, and many students remain unaware of the scheme.

Societies and Union secretary Laura Welsh said, “If you do want to carry on getting discounts in HMV, then I recommend picking up

one of the discount cards.”

Other university student unions such as those of Leeds Metropolitan and Portsmouth have been even less sympathetic towards the new card.

Amy Thomson of Leeds Metropolitan’s student union said, “We have an opt-in policy for the card.

“If there is a big demand then we will apply for it. At the moment, though, most people are against it.”

The discount card can be used as an e-wallet: holders

can transfer money onto the card in order to shop online.

But music store HMV has insisted the card must be used like a Tesco clubcard whereby holders can collect points that can then be used to buy CDs and videos rather than immediately receiving money off products.

Many places in Cardiff are still accepting the old card for the time being - Topshop, Topman and the UCG cinema included. ...Continued on Page 2

INTERVIEW WITH THE DIRECTOR OF MY LITTLE EYE GRIP P.9 News p 1–5 ● Letters p09 ● GRiP p13 TV listings, Grip p.13 ● Features p.13 Blagging p. 11 ● Sport p.21

News 2

IN BRIEF New dental care unit STUDENTS ARE being offered free dental treatment from final year undergraduate dental students, hygienists and therapists.

Cardiff and Vale NHS Trust has recently opened a Primary Dental Care Unit at the new St David’s Hospital in Cowbridge Road East, Canton, Cardiff.

The Dental Care Unit is searching for patients to be treated by students under supervision.

To be a suitable patient you must not be registered with a dentist, be in relatvely good health, not too anxious about receiving dental treatment and not have any urgent problems at the moment.

Students who are interested in the free service and are in good general health and not yet registered with a dentist, can contact the Unit on 02920 536898.

Law Fair set to return

THOSE CONSIDERING a career in law have the chance to meet professionals from throughout Wales and the rest of the UK at a major event in Cardiff this month.

Cardiff Law Fair is set to return on October 30th from 1pm until 4pm, at the City Hall.

Thirty-eight organisations have already been booked to attend the event including Allen and Overy, Edwards Geldard, Government Legal Service and Simmons and Simmons.

Students and graduates from all subjects are being encouraged to attend to find out about opportunities in the legal field.

Further details are available from the University Careers Service.

Cardiff central AM surgery The National Assembly member for Cardiff Central Jenny Randerson will be availbale to meet students in her constituency offices between two and four pm today .

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434/436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 14TH OCTOBER 2002

Sports Village pool soon to make waves Kirsty Marsh reports SWIMMERS AND water sport enthusiasts are to be granted a new 50-metre pool in Cardiff, the City Council has recently announced.

The pool, for which work is supposed to start in late 2003, will be part of a new international Sports Village planned for Ferry Road. The Village is being built to replace the old Empire Pool, which was demolished in 1998.

The Sports Village project is estimated to cost £20m and will take another two years to complete. It is planned to coincide with celebrations in 2005 to mark Cardiff’s centenary as a city and 50 years as Wales’s capital.

However, although many are glad that Cardiff will now finally have an Olympic size pool, some feel it has arrived far too late.

Mark Taylor, Chairman of Cardiff University Waterpolo and Swimming Club points not only to the stupidity of the situation that a capital city should have gone without a 50m pool for so long, but also that its planned location will make it hard to access, especially to students.

Mark said, “By the time

A CARDIFF mum is featuring in a meningitis campaign after her year old daughter contracted the deadly disease twice in one year.

Joanna Ruiz knows only too well how important it is to be aware of the symptoms of meningitis and septicaemia, though her daughter Ellie fought off both bouts.

The Meningitis Research Foundation fights death and disability and supports people affected by these diseases, as well as making the disease known to the public.

They are launching a winter awareness campaign called ‘Get Up To Speed With Meningitis’ because this is the time of year when people are most susceptible and cases start to rise and reach their peak.

They are using universities and GP surgeries as distributors of their free information pack to advise on symptoms and actions to take. In particular, students are being targeted by the campaign.

Joanna said, “Thankfully Ellie is doing very well now but I would urge everyone to take advantage of this free information.”

Students and young people

...Continued from Page 1 Cards can be obtained from the Student Service lounge on the third floor in the union.

They come with a small explanatory booklet emphasising how students will not be able to achieve the full benefits of the card unless it is registered at the website www.nusonline. co.uk.

This enables the NUS to keep a record of how often the card is used.

NUS officials maintain that all information collected is secure under the Data Protection Act.

Correction

Cardiff Uni Swimming and Waterpolo Club in action this pool is built Cardiff will have been without a decent swimming pool for 7-8 years.

“I also think that its use for students will be negligible.

“By locating it in the Bay the council is making it very hard for students and University clubs to make use of the pool.

New drive to fight disease Laura Bradbeer reports

New NUS cards come under fire

are the second group most at risk, but children under five account for over half of all cases of the disease.

Meningitis is the inflammation of the linings of the brain and spinal cord whereas septicaemia is the more threatening form of the disease as it poisons the blood.

Symptoms to look out for include severe headaches, stiff neck, a dislike of bright lights, vomiting, drowsiness and rashes.

For septicaemia, also be aware of cold hands and feet, rapid breathing, stomach/joint/muscle pain and maybe diarrhoea.

Denise Vaughan, foundation chief executive, explained that although there are indeed meningitis vaccines, they cannot prevent all forms of the disease.

She said, “Early diagnosis and prompt treatment really do give patients the best chance of a good recovery.”

However, the new Meningitis C vaccine, introduced in 1999/2000 has drastically reduced the number of cases in the age groups targeted.

For more information on the disease call the free 24hour helpline on 080 8800 3344 or visit the website www.meningitis.org.

“Most do not have a car at Uni and costs and practicalities of transporting clubs and societies are hard to meet.”

Some have also criticised the Council’s motives for the original demolition of the Empire Pool. At the time, the Council claimed that the site

was needed for the Millennium Stadium, but in the end the Millennium Plaza commercial complex was built on the pool’s former site.

This has led many to suspect that the demolition of the original pool was a purely commercial decision.

In gair rhydd 726, the Fresher’s Issue, we erroneously reported in our front page article on Kylie’s endorsement of Nightline, that the telephone counselling service was open from 8am to 8pm.

Of course, as should have been obvious even to us, a service which calls itself “Night” line is only open at night.

The opening hours for the service should have read 8pm to 8am. We can only apologise, we are overworked and out of our minds.

Nightline is still in urgent need of volunteers and so any interested students should contact line@cardiff.ac.uk.

News 3

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 14TH OCTOBER 2002

Assembly Damage will take ‘months Grants hit to fix’ after truck smash by delays Mark Cobley reports

John Collingridge reports SOME CARDIFF students are being put under more financial pressures because of administration problems with the new Assembly Learning Grants.

At the most expensive time of the academic year, some of the country’s poorest students will now not be given the money until December.

The new Assembly grants are worth up to £1,500 a year.

Designed to supplement the student loan, they are given to students whose parents have a residual income of less than £15,000 a year.

NUS President Owain James called the grants a “great victory” for Welsh students earlier this year, saying “maintenance grants are crucial to keep students in education.”

But computer problems and the short time local authorities were given to arrange the grant has meant students are now

“The Assembly grants are a step in the right direction, but it should have been organised better.”

CARDIFF PHYSIOLOGY STUDENT KEVIN GROVELL

unexpectedly short of cash.

Cardiff physiology student Kevin Grovell was told he would receive £1,000 when he started his course this September, but Newport Council now say they will not be able to give him the money until the end of the year.

“It means that although my student loan has come through, I’m really struggling with money,” he said.

“Coming from a single parent background, I’m already faced with financial problems.

“The Assembly grants are a step in the right direction, but it should have been organised better,” he concluded.

Newport Council told him that he was not receiving his grant on time because the National Assembly issued application forms late.

Other local authorities have also had problems handing out the payments.

The Vale of Glamorgan Council is still unable to give a date when students will receive the money, while Caerphilly Council have said they cannot deliver until late October.

Some students were unaware the grants were even available.

One Welsh Cardiff student, Ian Hutchinson, said he has missed out on the grants because of lack of publicity.

He said, “I only heard about the grant from friends. It should have been publicised more.”

REPAIRS TO the University main building could take months, say University officials, after the recent accident when an articulated lorry collided with one of the entrance pillars.

The incident occurred as the delivery lorry was reversing into the main building car park from Park Place, and resulted in the capstone and the top level of bricks being

knocked completely off and several more being dangerously loosened. There were no reports of any injuries.

Neil Summers, a 2nd year Biology student and eyewitness to the incident, said, “The first thing I heard was a really big crash.

“Then I turned around to see the truck up against the pillar, and bricks all over the floor.

“It was lucky that the entrance was closed anyway

because the truck was reversing, so no-one was around and no-one got hurt.”

Tony Oliver, of University Security, said, “Basically, the driver just tried to execute an acute turn too quickly, and has accepted full responsibility for the accident. We cordoned off the area immediately and cleared it up, having to remove several more bricks because of safety reasons.

“The area has now been

Union staff begin the clear-up operation after the accident

made safe and there is no obstacle or danger to students.”

Richard Williams, of the University’s Estates section, told gair rhydd that repairs to the building would take about 2-3 months.

“It is not just an ordinary structural repair, as the pillar is part of a listed building.

“The matter is in the hands of the insurers now, and once that’s all sorted we will be in touch with the contractors.”

PHOTO: CHRIS PIETRYKA

‘Phonics star drums Cardiff goes to the movies up cash for club Mark Jenkins reports

Robbie Lane reports THE V CLUB in St Mary’s Street is undergoing a revamp thanks to the ongoing success and generosity of chart-topping Welsh pop act The Stereophonics.

Drummer Stuart Cable is coughing up a figure reported to be around a quarter of a million pounds, and now owns half the club.

The other half belongs to Cardiff restaurateur Toni Venditto.

Cable plans to use the club to showcase local acts with a Thursday night gig slot and says that “being involved in running a nightclub is something I’ve wanted to do for a while”.

The 32-year old, originally from Cwamaman, said, “When we were up-and-coming there was nowhere in Cardiff to play - unless you were a tribute band.

“I like the place, it’s got huge potential and Toni and I

have got great plans for it”.

Venditto was equally excited about the venture, saying, “It’s fantastic that he has come into partnership with me Cardiff needs another live music venue”.

Venditto was keen to show that Cable’s involvement is more than just financial, saying that “He will be very much involved in the club.”

Cable himself said, “I will go along whenever I can, but after Christmas I will be busy with the band.”

The Stereophonics have just begun recording material for a new album, whilst Cable is filming his own TV show for BBC Wales.

The prospect of more gigs in Cardiff was welcomed even by some who are usually less enthusiastic about the Stereophonics.

“I don’t like them at all,” said 2nd year French student Padraig Jones. “They’re really boring. But I’ll definitely go to see some exciting new bands!” The V Club in Cardiff

PHOTO: ROBBIE LANE

can do,” explained Browning.

A partial screening of the movie is a possibility at the Sky Movies roadshow when it comes to town on Friday 1st and Saturday 2nd November.

If you would like to find out how you can appear in the film, contact Colin Stevens on 0208 560 5605.

Sky Movies are not the first to recognise Cardiff’s Hollywood potential.

The 1999 hit movie Human Traffic was filmed here with locations including the former Firkin pub (now Gassy Jacks) on Salisbury Road.

Human Traffic II is now also set to be filmed this year in Ibiza.

SOME OF Hollywood’s glitz could be about to rub off on Cardiff with the news that Sky has plans to shoot a movie in the Welsh capital.

The short film, which will be around five or ten minutes long, will be filmed soon in several locations in the city.

The project will also give local people a chance to shine on the silver screen; the producers are looking for members of the public to appear in the piece.

Stephen Browning, from the Sky Movies Publicity Department, said, “It will be a celebration of Cardiff and its people. Let’s show how Cardiff could be like Hollywood.”

Sky plans to do this by drawing inspiration for the film from scenes in wellknown movies.

The project is in its early stages, and at the moment no definite details have been confirmed. “We’re sitting down and looking at what we Human Traffic, also filmed here

gair rhydd MONDAY 14TH OCTOBER 2002

News 4

Wales becomes nation University gets Assembly award of ‘Bridget Joneses’ Andrea Webb reports

Katie Latimir reports ACCORDING TO recentlyreleased figures, Wales has become a “Bridget Jones nation” of single females, with the numbers of eligible men at an all time low.

In fact, the 2001 national census has revealed that young women outnumber men in almost every part of the country.

The figures published at the beginning of this month reveal that there are ten women to every nine men in most of Wales, something that perhaps most female singletons in Cardiff are well aware of!

“It’s still far more enjoyable to be single!”

CHARLOTTE MORGAN, CARDIFF STUDENT

Certainly, Helen Fielding’s dire claim that women are finding it increasingly hard to snare a man is becoming a reality in Cardiff, with a staggering 2,166 more women than men in their early twenties and thirties in the city.

But does this recent discovery really bother the female students of Cardiff?

Cardiff University student Charlotte Morgan thinks that “being single is not such a big issue, especially at University.”

“It’s far more enjoyable to be single!” she said.

However, some feel statistics are not at the root of the problem at all.

“It’s the distinct lack of ‘Mr Rights’ in Cardiff that’s the real problem”, said 3rd year medic Claire Hayslip.

“Women are far pickier than men are, after all, you never hear men complaining that there aren’t any decent women around!”

Are Welsh women turning into Bridget Jones?

research being done and is a good example of a way we can improve links between the University and decision makers in Wales.

“I have been delighted as a local constituency AM to organise these meetings and that the university’s initiative has been awarded with a prize”.

This award is the latest in the string of recognitions given to Cardiff University for the quality of its research. In the latest national assessment of research quality, Cardiff was ranked seventh of 106 UK universities.

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has won a national award for its work in developing relations with the Welsh Assembly.

The Higher Education External Relations Association (HEERA) awarded Cardiff the Public Relations and Communications Award for the monthly briefings between the University and the Assembly.

They help to ensure that the University can reach the people in power with their research and expertise. The programme also involves visits by Assembly Members to the University to see at first hand the research, teaching and other work in academic departments.

The strong relations between the two institutions have been welcomed by the Liberal Democrat Minister for Culture, Sport and Welsh Language, Jenny Randerson.

Mrs Randerson said, “the monthly briefings at the Assembly have helped raise awareness of the vital The National Assembly

Fees review put back yet again Simon Baylis reports THE LONG awaited review of student financing has been pushed back to the end of the year following the controversy over Alevel marking.

Tony Blair has admitted that the results of a review into the current system of fees and loans were meant to have been published this month but are “still a few

months away yet.”

Critics feel the review has been put back to take the pressure off Estelle Morris, the education secretary at the centre of the A-level marking controversy, and delays to teacher checks.

Many students will feel that they have already waited long enough and that ministers should act to help the thousands of students in financial trouble.

Students from across the UK have been active in campaigning for a change to the current system that sees students leave university with an average debt of between £12,000 and £15,000.

Progress appears to have been made for Welsh students as the Welsh Assembly introduces grants for the poorest students.

Unfortunately Students from the rest of the UK are

still waiting for reforms.

There have been widespread calls from Students to bring back the grants abolished in 1997 throughout the UK. However Tony Blair has also admitted that “we will never go back to the old system because it cannot be afforded.”

However, many are concerned that the longer the debate lasts, the poorer some students will become.

Tony Blair and Estelle Morris, his education minister

Love it or hate it: It’s the New Taf Claire Forbes reports THE RESPONSE to the refit of the Union’s popular drinking establishment, the old Tafarn Bar, has not been as positive as the Union might have liked.

Whilst most students questioned by gair rhydd acknowledged that the bar now known simply as the Taf - was due for a makeover, many lamented the fact that it has lost its unique character and now seems

Friends enjoy a pint in the new-look Taf

indistinguishable from many other bars such as the revamped Gassy Jacks and the Social.

“Bars today have all lost their individuality”, said Sara Read, a second year European Studies student.

Will Older, a Genetics student, added, “I don’t feel as comfortable there as I did before”.

It seems that some would have preferred that the money had been spent subsiding drink prices instead of, as Dean Rutland, a 3rd year studying Physiology and Psychology, said, “making us feel as though we are in a posh wine bar”.

However, many of the staff still working there from last year have expressed positive feedback, preferring the smarter image the Taf now projects.

One bar staff member, Tom Walby, explained that the old Tafarn was “depressing” to work in during the daytime.

“Now it is new and light

and gives us a new sense of well-being during work”, he said.

Nevertheless, he complained that the air conditioning was not yet working, making the bar very hot, and that the new CUS card loyalty system was not yet in operation.

Caroline Noyes, the Union President, explained why the change had taken place.

“We have to keep up with market changes and keep students drinking there.

“The Tafarn was 15 years old and all the other bars in a one-mile radius of the Taf have been refitted.”

“Although there will always be some students who would have preferred the Taf to have remained the same, most students today prefer to be in a more modern environment.”

She also said great care had been taken in the decoration to the extent that a student had been commissioned to create the paintings now hanging in the Taf.

The Taf: Your Views Nick Aldrich, studying Business Administration: “I like it. It’s a nice environment to have a pint in.”

Maria Mather, Law and Criminology: “I quite like it. I like its new look but it doesn’t feel like the Taf.”

Maroco Wawden, reading Biochemistry: “I like it in the evening, but I don’t find it as comfortable. It seems a little clinical.”

News 5

CRIME FILE

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 14TH OCTOBER 2002

Cardiff students join Iraq anti-war demonstration Dan McKee reports

WATCH YOUR MOBILE CARDIFF POLICE are urging students to look after their mobile phones after a spate of recent thefts.

So far this term 36 students have been victims of mobile phone thefts. Most incidents have occured in the pubs and clubs in town, however, some have been taken from residential areas and there have even been two thefts inside the Union.

One man has been arrested following a series of opportunistic thefts of phones from windowsills in Talybont.

PC Bob Keohane, the Community Police Officer for Cardiff University, said: “Basically, think of your mobile as a £100 banknote. You wouldn’t leave that lying around, so be cautious with your mobile too.”

Police are holding a ‘phone marking week’ from the 21st to the 25th of October. Students will be able to bring their phones to a van at the end of Queen Street, where police will mark it with ultraviolent pens.

PC Bob continued, “Phones have a unique IMEI number which you can get by typing star, hash, 06, hash.

“Students should record it, because if your phone is stolen you can contact the operator and have the phone barred.”

BURGLARY

AN INTRUDER made off with a student’s laptop computer in Talybont last week, after finding his way into an unlocked flat.

Students are advised to keep their rooms locked whenever they are not in, and not to let anyone into their blocks who they do not know.

PC Keohane commented, “Cathays is comparatively a very safe area, however, students must make sure they lock their ground floor doors and windows when they go out.

“It is also a good idea to leave lights on, or a radio, if the house is empty late at night.”

CAR THEFTS SEVERAL THEFTS from vehicles have been reported in the Gordon Road area.

Students have returned to their vehicles in the morning to find windows smashed in and possessions missing.

Police advise students not to leave anything in their cars, no matter how seemingly worthless.

If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444.

PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/content/police.

HUNDREDS OF Cardiff students travelled to central London to join a nation-wide march against Prime Minister Tony Blair’s support for a military strike against Iraq.

Eleven coaches made the weekend trip from Cardiff with students and staff from the university united in their opposition to Mr Blair’s stance on the issue.

Organisers of the demonstration said it attracted nearly half a million people from throughout the UK, but police said the number was closer to around 150,000.

Spokesman from the Stop the War Coalition Mike Marqusee said the police

“I feel that Tony Blair is making a very big mistake.”

CAROLINE DEAN, SECOND YEAR PSYCHOLOGY

number was deliberately conservative.

“The police estimate reflects the desires of the establishment and not the realities on the street.”

Second year psychology student Caroline Dean attended the march on Saturday 28th September.

“I feel that Tony Blair is making a very big mistake,” she said.

“The consequences of a US led invasion of Iraq could be devastating for people all over the Middle-East.”

Cardiff philosophy Professor Chris Norris also made the journey down to London.

He said he was there due to “a sense of moral outrage at the way the government has displayed such an abject willingness to serve US military, economic, and geostrategic interests”.

Cardiff students were among the thousands protesting in London He went on to say that, “Living in Britain now feels he added. “while Saddam is a brutal little to do with terrorism: it’s like it must have felt to live in character, he’s not the only about oil supplies.

Amongst the celebrities who “If we need a regime Vichy France during the peri- gave their support to the camone.

“There is a selectiveness in change it’s the Bush regime od of Nazi domination or in paign were Brass Eye and The Austria after the Anschluss,” Day Today star Chris Morris. all this. The threat of war has we need to change.”

Universities toughen up on student internet cheaters Claire Woods reports NEW RESEARCH has shown that more than one in three students in England and Wales have used the Internet to plagiarise essays.

On-line plagiarism prevention scheme turnitin.com has tested work handed in by students from Aberdeen University, Dudley College, Liverpool Hope University, Staffordshire University and University of

Wales College Newport.

Their detection scheme works by checking submitted work against a large database of on-line essays. The website can detect any text that has been from an Internet site.

Websites such as www.wowessays.com and www.goldenessays.com, contain over 25,000 essays to sell to students. They consist of huge databases of essays, helpfully divided into subject categories.

The government’s

gair rhydd ..World Roundup...

QUAOAR - IT’S A NEW PLANET USA: Stargazers at the California Institute of Technology have discovered a new planet-like object orbiting beyond Pluto.

The new body, a ball of ice and rock about a tenth of the diameter of the Earth, has been dubbed Quaoar after an ancient myth of a native American tribe.

It is the biggest find in the solar system since Pluto itself

The Oschin Telescope

Department for Education and Skills is now planning to spend an extra £500,000 to crack down on cheating in universities.

But a spokesperson for Cardiff University denied that the university had a problem with plagiarism.

“There has been an increase in cases dealt with through the University’s procedures, but this is due to increased detection,” he explained.

“Our detection methods are

now very effective and they are by no means restricted to the detection of downloaded material from the Internet essay sites.”

Gill Chester, Project Manager at the Joint Information Systems Committee, a body promoting the use of information technology in higher education, says turnitin.com’s claims are exaggerated.

“A national plagiarism advisory service has been set up because the potential to

plagiarise is now far higher than before,” she said.

“We have taken steps to equip universities to handle this, but I have spoken to academics and lecturers across the UK and have no reason to believe that one in three students plagiarise essays.

“Some universities have bigger problems than others but not one academic has indicated to me that the number is running at that level,” she added.

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at the places and people making the headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World 72 years ago, and was discovered using the Oschin Telescope in California, and its existence was confirmed by the Hubble Space Telescope.

Michael Brown of the California Institute said, “It’s about the size of all the asteroids put together, so the thing really is quite big.

It could easily have been discovered 20 years ago, but it wasn’t.”

However, at 1.5 billion kilometers beyond the already vastly distant Pluto, and taking 288 years to circle the sun, it’s easy to see how astronomers missed it!

GOING OUT WITH A BONG CANADA: Outgoing Liberal Prime Minister Jean Chretien appears likely to decriminalise cannabis in the current parliamentary session.

But in doing so he is risking the wrath of the United States, where the War on Drugs is second only to the War on Terror.

Mr Chretien claims never to have smoked any himself.

“When I was young the word marajuana did not even exist,” he said.

“I was too late to try it.”

Jean Chretien flies away

gairrhydd, Monday 30th September 2002

passing

Comment ● 07

COMMENT

A SOAK SPEAKS/CHOIR NEWS/REPLIES TO CORRESPONDENCE /HORSE PORN/THE GOLDEN AGE OF THE PAST WHICH LIGHTS THE ROAD TOWARD THE FUTURE/ERSATZ FOOLMUZIK By D.C. Gates

S

O, THEY didn’t sack me. Thank Heaven for small blessings, eh?

Basically, the column returns in much the same way it did before, but with added vitriol because, for this portion at least, I’m drunk. Writing is easy when you’ve had a few, apart from the numerous corrections that have to be made, and the fact that the keyboard moves around every time you look at it.

This is not helped by the complete refusal of the computer to comply with any actions taken by myself moving towards any completion of my page at all.

Contrary to popular opinion, Apple Macs are not the best thing since sliced bread, but servants of the Horned One, hell-bent on bringing misery to the poor folk who have to use them, by suddenly deciding to go for a Burton half-way through an article. If anything were proof that robots are going to take over the Earth and kill us all, then the gair rhydd office is a sure prophecy of things to come.

I’m not drunk now, readers. However, due to misfortune I do not have to be at work tonight, so I can actually make a go of writing this piece in one sitting.

Unfortunately, my mind is now on other things, and as such anything apart from this sort of aimless pseudo-narrative is frankly impossible. So...

Reply to correspondence (see the

letters page) Dear Mr Cooper, apart from one brief, space-filling news report, I have not actually done any proper journalism (ie, reportage) in the three years in which I have written for gair rhydd. What is more, I hardly consider four out of the many words used in last issue’s piece renders it to have been filled with “offensive words”. An inspection of the rest of the paper would reveal not only that my page contains a lot less swearing than others, but also that “swearing” was listed as part of the contents. My use of expletives in my writing reflects my usage of them in my everyday speech. I also notice that your name does not correspond to that listed on the address of the email. Why is this?

Whew! Now that’s over, we can return to business. I suppose you might be expecting something cutting-edge and caustic, something truly relevant. But at present, neither George W. Bush, nor the Major-Currie affair can raise me from my den of indolence. Future editions of this page may be decided by a ‘topics wheel’, whereon a cardboard disc representing several possible areas of discourse will be rotated in a similar manner to TV’s ‘Wheel of Fortune’, and the winner chosen to be covered in-depth by yours truly. Alternatively, I would welcome any (i.e. those that I like) contributions from

you, dear readers. I don’t have any email details at present, so come up to the office if you’re interested. It stops me writing things like ‘Dustbin of History’, and that can only be commended.

“The bureaucracy is the most dangerously habitual and conservative force; if it ends up by constituting a solid body, standing by itself and feeling independent from the masses, the party ends by becoming anachronistic, and in moments of acute crisis, becomes emptied of all its social content, like an empty shell.” This was Antonio Gramsci, writing about the Italian Communist Party in the 30’s, but he might has well have been a visitor at this year’s Labour Party Conference. Indeed, with his doctrine of ‘boldness’, and his relentless refusal to back down over PFI programmes and war on Iraq, Blair seemed to evoke Stalin drawing up yet another five-year plan, exerting his unquestionable influence over the wishes of his party. Face it - what is the sole aim of a private company? Profit, and nothing else. Any apparent altruism is just PR or speculation for further profiteering.

Enough said.

Although it might seem a depressing idea at first sight, spending a night in consuming a lake of tea or coffee can actually beat a hard night’s drinking. By

two in the morning you might feel knackered, but sleep has become an impossibility, so you lie in bed with your brain making voyages through previously uncharted territory. When you finally awake, after a poor and fitful sleep, you will find yourself experiencing a perfect replication of a hangover. Same effect as alcohol, but a lot cheaper. Caffeine - it’s the new booze!

Looking out from my lair at the top of the Union, I can see the bounteous panorama of the front steps, and the many students creeping up and down them. Ha! Fear me, ye mighty, for I see all! You! Yes, you! I’m looking at you, and you can’t see me! Hahahahaha! What an interesting life I lead.

Many of you will have noticed the growing trend in club promotion, specifically aimed at students, for encouraging weekday attendance by enlisting the services of a ‘celebrity’.

Unfortunately, rather then someone who would actually be interesting, such as Brian Blessed or Nana Mouskouri, more often than not the ‘celebrity’ is someone famous for being famous, like a goon from a reality-TV programme. We’ve already had Christine Hamilton, who has been plowing the furrows of peripheral fame with little success since her husband’s dismissal and defeat, and now

we can look forward to the appearance of Jade from Big Brother and Jason Donovan. Now, fair enough, Jason has been somewhat of a star in the past, but surely he should carry on with his work on the stage, rather than going for the soft option of a frankly embarrassing stab at another spot in the limelight. It won’t work, Jason! Have some self-respect!

Jade, on the other hand, will no doubt be increasingly obliged to put out for her PR men until she has either disappeared from the public sphere forever or she is more know as a cabaret turn than as someone who didn’t win a competition. However, as I don’t really care about the poor dear, my ire is directed more at the promoters themselves than the muppets prancing with gritted teeth before the drunken crowd. If these sheisters were surgeons they’d be struck off for rampant incompetence, such is the quality of the acts they expect the public to pay good money to see. In a couple of years, a freshers’ event at a chain ‘nitespot’ may a well feature a cow being slaughtered onstage - a celebrity cow, of course, who has spent the summer grazing whilst unwittingly being under constant camera scrutiny. Maybe there will also be a celebrity slaughterer. I can see it now: Tonite at Skidders’ Nightclub! Meet TV’s Daisy, who will die - live! onstage!- at the hands of Michael Barrymore (fresh from Prison Idol - the Rivals)! Bye, kids.

Dustbin of History

S

tarting this week, our new section devoted to giving credit where it is much overdue. Here, we concentrate on those of greatness (or at least of note) who have been cruelly overlooked by the overview of history. Each week, a forgotten heroine or hero will shine again.

This week: Michael ‘The Joker’ Dukowski (1952-1990) Our first choice makes this column’s debut involved with controversy, for Dukowski was the person who came up with the infamous office sign “you don’t have to mad to work here, but it helps”.

Born in New Jersey to a comfortable blue-collar family, Dukowski was noted as a child for his prodigious musical talent, and by the time he was fourteen had already cut his first record. After a brief stint as a local teenage sensation, he retired into the fields of songwriting and session musicianship. However, beneath his rock’n’roll lifestyle lurked a desire for order and stability. He developed an interest in advertising.

By the late 70’s, Dukowski would spend most of his days immersed in drugs and groupies, then sneak out in a spare hour to an office uptown. He had found that he had a natural affinity for sloganeering and hypebole, things which were to sum up the nascent go-getting attitude that was sweeping the US. Soon his hobby was being taken seriously by the advertising trade and his slogans were coming into use. Then, one fateful morning, when one of his friends came to work wearing a loud tie, a chance remark made office history. “You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps” became a worldwide institution.

‘THE JOKER’: fondly remembered in offices Sadly, this was the high point of everywhere, not so much elsewhere Dukowski’s life, as plagiarism of his original style caused to him to rapidly lose mixture a day, and wearing a pork pie hat. In 1990 he out in favour of cheaper imitators. He soon returned was touring again, and whilst attempting to write his to drink and drugs, and became involved with jazz. memoirs fell victim to a fatal mixture of vodka and By 1985 he was drinking four bottles of cough Benylin.

Letters ● 09

gairrhydd, Monday 14 October 2002

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight wins a can of beer (empty) Dear gair rhydd, This letter concerns the debacle that is the new Taf. The article that appeared on the front page of the paper was nothing more than Union propaganda (again). No returning student we have spoken to (and we have spoken to many) has approved of this repulsive, towny refit except for one person, a Union exec. member. We would like to know how many students were consulted in the design process or was it simply on the whim of the exec. trying to illustrate they do have some power and influence after all? And how did the Union pay for this unwanted extravagance? Why of course, they fleece their humble subjects through an extra 50p on a ticket to Solus, and the shameless inflation of drinks prices. As a Union that is already one of the most expensive in the country, to raise prices further is simply a travesty of the worst kind. How can this be justified considering the immense profit the ‘biggest Union in Britain’ turns over each year? Ultimately students just want cheap drinks, why is this so hard to achieve?

Last week gair rhydd stated that students complained that the old Taf had no atmosphere. What complete balderdash. The new Taf is nothing more than a re-hash of The Social, Gassy Jacks etc. These soulless banal ‘pubs’ do not create a student friendly environment and can often be a breeding ground for trouble. As for the miserable excuses for art that adorn the walls, these do not create atmosphere and are as patronising as they are pitiful.

The old taf was not faultless but who designed this new monstrosity? We happily admit a re-jigging of the place was needed but to undergo a costly refit, which has resulted in fewer seats and nowhere to rest your drink is indicative of Union incompetence. And why in the hottest building known to man have they installed radiators? We look forward to hearing the answers.

We believe the Union is so insular it is unable or unwilling to correctly fulfil the needs of the students it claims to represent. If they had looked outside the 3rd floor of the Union for ideas for once then the money could have been spent more wisely instead of wasted on an unimaginative duplicate of ‘pubs’ not a stone’s throw away from the Union. We call on all those who agree with the above to boycott the Taf and join us in only drinking in the few real pubs left in the area.

Ben Anderson Tuffnell and Tom Warth

Ta f ’ s a l l f o l k s Dear gair rhydd, I would just like to thank whichever genius it was who decided over the summer to eradicate from Cardiff the age-old problem of where the fuck will we be going out to tonight by incorporating the radical timesaving solution of making every single pub in the area absolutely identical so that it no longer matters where you choose to go!

No more shall friendships be destroyed by arguing about where that night's portion of the hardearned student loan shall be spent now that the choices and options have been made for us by the powers that be, and wherever we wind up in the city we are guaranteed a pub that is exactly the same as any of the other pubs we could have gone to instead. No more the terrifying task of comparing and contrasting local public houses on their individual character and merits now that they have all blended into one fabulous homogenised industry standard. I guess the only drawback is that now pub crawls are fairly monotonous affairs, and there was that one night where I was convinced I was at THE END only to discover much to my chargrin that I was in fact at the TAF all along and thus had an extra three minutes added on to my journey home.

But these are just petty details when faced with the enormous plusses of knowing that wherever you choose to spend the night here

in Cardiff now, you know exactly what kind of place you will be spending it in right down to the trendy faux-stains on the bathroom floor. So once more, thank you whoever organised this pub hegemony I, and my fellow students are forever in your debt!

Yours, Bland Prefab, 2nd year, Cathays

Arse hole-inthe-wall Dear gair rhydd, I’m writing to express my disgust with the ‘hole in the wall’ outside the Taf. Having been born with an unfortunate genetic predisposition to be crap with my finances, I arrived back to start my second year with a rather unhealthy but somewhat predictable £1500 overdraft. The only attempt I made to save money as a fresher was a) buying Tesco value cheese and b) drinking as much alcohol as possible before going out in order to sneakily avoid having to buy expensive drinks in clubs.

Unfortunately the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I thus left the first year significantly fatter and a borderline alcoholic.

But enough about me – back to the sodding Barclays ‘hole in the wall’. To put it simply, you cannot see the fucking screen.

I had no money in my bank account. I was living off money

I’d found behind the sofa and in the fridge. I had a somewhat fantastical urge to check my bank balance just in case there might be some money in there. Stranger things have happened (like finding money in a fridge, for example. Lettersdesk). So I put my card in the machine then realised the screen was completely impossible to see. I pressed a few random buttons and stooped into a position that old women contort into when they look in baby’s prams. I tried every trick in the book. I cast a shadow with my hand, I squinted, I punched random buttons in a frantic craze.

Eventually in some cruel twist of irony the only words I could make out were, "your card has been retained. Please see your card issuer for details.". Bastards!

I now have to wait a week until a new card is sent to my home address, all because I was too slow using their machine. What happened to the days when withdrawing cash was a leisurely experience peppered with moments of un-hurried decision making?

So – stay away. And if you find yourself heavily drunk of an evening, don’t hesitate to vomit outside Barclays as a symbol of your empathy for a poor, fat disgruntled drunk. Good day.

Eleri 2nd year English Lettersdesk says: You’ve got noone to blame but yourselves. Due to the lack of correspondence I’ve been forced to print this 358 word rant of ant-level insignificance.

And you read it. Sucker. Please, please please write something, anything, about flying badgers, your vintage beer can collection or even the Taf. Just don’t make me print stuff like this any longer.

Camel’s arse in a sandstorm Dear gair rhydd, I came to Cardiff over two weeks ago now, a poor lonely fresher who felt the world was finally at my fingertips. Having escaped a life of visiting a Whetherspoons pub every Friday night with whoever could scrape together enough money to afford the drinks promotion for that week, I was looking forward to a rather more eventful and frequent social life. I naturally thought the place to start my social ventures was the Union. However, on my first night out there, a trip to Lashtastic with my fellow flatmates, I was thoroughly disconcerted to be confronted with a fee I was expected to pay to enter Solus.

Having paid what has seemed like all the money in the world to come to uni in the first place I assumed from then on that I was a fully paid, fully fledged member of the Union. Is it really fair to be expected to fork out yet more money every time I want to venture out on a night of crazy student fun at my Union?

Joseph J 2nd year history Lettersdesk says: Oh for the sake of Lord Fuck. You too could have complained about tuition fees, quality of university

accommodation or er… the Taf (?) but for the sake of Christ’s dick you’re complaining about paying £3.00 to get into one of the largest nightclubs in Wales where the drinks are dirt cheap, and you moan about having your bank card revoked after you stole one and a half grand. Priorities, people.

D.C. Gripes Dear gair rhydd, Is it really necessary for D.C. Gates to fill his column with offensive words? Perhaps he should remember the first rule of journalism: whatever can be said with four-letter words can be said better without them.

Anthony Capper Lettersdesk says: Yes, yes it is.

OAP-issed off Dear gair rhydd, I feel I must make my immense feeling of disappointment known to Linda C, author of last fortnight’s letter concerning the OAP in the leopardskin thong she witnessed during freshers week last year.

I am that OAP in a thong (yes, I am wearing it as I write this).

Initially I agreed to dress up in such a fashion to raise a few extra pounds, and I’m not ashamed enough to admit that I rather enjoyed the experience. It’s not often that a man of my experience gets the opportunity to wear such attire for a legitimate reason, and I feel that Linda C had no right to ridicule me.

OAP in thong Lettersdesk says: Yeah, well you try telling that to Linda. Her boyfriend recently bought her a thong for her birthday. Linda had a seizure.

Piece (or pint) of piss Dear gair rhydd, Is it just me or does the beer in Solus taste like contaminated rat piss? I know it’s only cheap, but when I go out for a night of fun at Fun Factory I nearly vomit when I take my first sip of low-grade Worthy’s. Why the hell is this? I know they water it down but they don’t have to add urine do they?

The

gair rhydd

DO THEY? Yours pissed off-edly Dan J Lettersdesk says: Here we go again. Please, does anyone have anything positive at all to say about one of the largest, and frankly best student unions in the UK, i.e. ours? Even if you just like the colour of the floor in the shop please write in about it, we need some serious counterbalancing here.

Cycle-ology Dear gair rhydd Ok, picture this…you’re a second year anticipating an interesting new start to your joint honours psychology degree after a somewhat disappointing first year.

The first year was full of tutorial cock–ups and a lack of support verging on what can only be described as ‘wank’. Anyway accepting that as ancient history and being assured that the second year was better (bar the department fucking up my enrolment, again), I went along to the introductory talk with some raised hopes. However I was greeted with a sea of faces unknown to me all clutching handbooks that read ‘Level 1 single honours’. Firstly thinking I had been a tit and come to the wrong talk I check my handbook (discretely as I didn’t want everyone around me noticing and laughing wildly) only to find I was in the right place.

The subsequent talk didn’t once mention level two joint honours students, but did describe the course I apparently faced, that strongly resembles the one I sat/slept through last year in only slightly more tedious detail. Am I destined to relive the horrors of year 1 psychology again and again till I die?

Ash Year two joint honours student Lettersdesk says: Well I suppose someone should tell you that you’re actually a guinea pig in a new initiative in which individuals who do not demonstrate enough commitment during the first year of their degrees are neuralized by Will Smith then streamed back into the first year when they return to Cardiff, none the wiser. Obviously you seem to be regaining the hazy memories of which year you’re actually supposed to be in, so just pop up to the Union fourth floor and we’ll give you another blast.

Letters page

Agree with anything written on this page? Me neither, so get writing and have your views about anything from pub cloning to bank cards to tuition fees to flying badgers read by the students of the greatest capital city in the UK. Just give us an e-mail (brand new address!: gairrhyddletters@hotmail.com), drop your load in the office up on the fourth floor of the Union or if those steps really are too numerous, mail it to us. Everything you need to know is at the foot of this very page.

Happy scribbling!

P.S. does anyone actually have anything positive to say about the union? You negative-nancies...

Please send your letters in to us at gair rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM. gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Classifieds ● 10

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

●

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

●

25 pence per bold word

●

30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

gair rhydd, Monday 14 October 2002

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS

ACCOMMODATION

MISCELLANEOUS

SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

LGB OFFICER: Contact James Knight on KnightJ2@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on atshie_12@yahoo.co.uk Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk Visiting hours for non-sabbs coming soon.

Room in lovely house just off city centre.

To share with three girls. All mod-cons. £50 per week. Tel: 07790196526 or 07736443235.

CELTIC FANS: South Wales No. 1 CSC. Based at Dempsey’s pub, opp. castle. All available games shown.

Regular trips to Parkhead. Student membership, £10.

Contact Ali: 07786914740.

Room to rent in Gwenyth Street, Cathays. £70 a week, all bills included. Ring Rebecca 02920 387300.

One bedroom available in three bedroom house. All mod-cons. Blackweir Terrace (next to Seven Point ). Tel: 02920 372400, or 07973 628648.

Newly refurbished house to let, Canada Road four bedrooms £200 phone: 07811 154163 Room available for one person to share with two second years on Llanbleddian Gardens. GCH, all mod cons. £230 pcm.

Phone ot text 07949 885290 for more info or to view.

Need another housemate? Need a house?

Need anything vaguely related to houses and accommodation? this is the place to paste up your note.

EMPLOYMENT And this is where you cast your eyes for those employment prospects, because you’ve spent your loan already haven’t you.

Expect this section to expand soon, so keep your eyes peeled, work-shy fops!

2 Financial assistance (7) 7 Earnest request (4) 8 Sole (4) 9 Renting out (7) 10 Fail to include (4) 12 Excitedly eager (4) 15 Long fish (3) 16 Quiver (6) 18 Put up with (6) 20 Popular flowering house-plant (6) 22 Uprising or rebellion (6) 23 Travel on snow (3) 24 Thin, flexible sword (4) 27 Look closely (4) 29 Colourful garden flower (7) 30 Indistinct image (4) 31 Stratford’s river (4) 32 Word for word (7)

OK, so the classifieds section is a little sparce but it’s early in the semester y’know. Trust me, in a week or so this section will be teeming with life. And at a rather bargainous rate you can add your own drop of joy into the melting pot. So do it!

I am not a funny person- unlike the bod who usually fills the space up here. So I have no jokes to tell, except that, what’s grey, wrinkly and smells of curry? one which quite frankly, is rather shit and isn’t really that funny the first time, let alone after that.

(It’s John Major, for those been living in a non-ventilated cardboard box for the last fortnight. Told you it was guff, didn’t I?)

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

CROSSWORD Across:

Miscellaneous is the place for all your unclassifiable messages, that would be shout outs, birthdays. well, just about anything really. Be heard!

Down:

1 Go on a diet (4) 2 Sodium chloride (4) 3 Type of beer (6) 4 Spike of frozen water (6) 5 Hindu system of exercise (4) 6 Highest adult male singing voice (4) 10 Shocked displeasure (7) 11 State repeatedly (7) 13 Good source of energy (7) 14 More important (7) 17 Be indebted to (3) 19 Word denoting maiden name (3) 21 Facet (6) 22 Strictness (6) 25 Heave (4) 26 Title between Marquis and Viscount (4) 27 Loud ringing bells (4) 28 Famous public school, near Windsor (4)

We er, fooled you with last fortnight’s crossword didn’t we! Don’t worry though, we’ve been through a rigorous regime of self-punishment involving a pair of tweezers and a hole in our pocket. Get your completed crosswords to the office on the fourth floor of the Union, quick as a flash and win win win!

Last edition’s winner was Des. Come up and see us to get the prize voucher sorted!

NAME:________________________ E-MAIL:_______________________ HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOODCHOPPER CHOP IF A WOODCHOPPER COULD CHOP WOOD, AND WHY?:

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

WIN! From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine Open ‘til 11, seven days a week.

Coffee bar with BYO license!

Own roasted coffee.

Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300

BIG WIN CIRCUS

Competitions ● 11

gairrhydd, Monday 14 October 2002

++COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING++

gairrhydd

Central heating... for kids!

T

ime was when the only way to Win a ensure a warm bed was to wee in it.

But things have moved on since my Slumberland time in halls and these days I only wet electric blanket the bed for recreational purposes.

Oh yes, my friends, it’s lovely and We have two blankets warm at the moment but by God, come the winter you’ll be freezing your ass off if (worth £29.99 each) to give away. To win one, just you forget to drink a glass of water before answer this question: bed. Terrible as this prospect may seem there is a solution: a nice electric blanket.

Who makes Slumberland I’m told this is a sort of fire made out of and electric blankets? cloth that plugs into the wall and can be used to heat your lily ass while you slumber. Sounds terrific, but what do the experts say?

Chris Cheshire, managing director of Slumberland manufacturers Imetec, says: "More students seem to be buying electric blankets because it saves money on their heating bills and means that they can spend it on more important things – like socialising." To which I say, why not kill two birds with one stone? Invite friends and homeless people into your bed and gain a reputation for your electric blanket/ bedtime barbecue parties.

And if you thought running an electric blanket was expensive, think again! This is the 1990s, granddad. These blankets run at the same cost as an average lightbulb, and are three times as effective at warming a bed. You really have no excuse to not enter this competition so do it!

Drop your answers and pigeons into the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electron-mail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps@ hotmail.com

LOVELEY scenario: invest in a Slumberland.

Super grass, Super prizes Whi–take it or leave it T W o celebrate (or possibly promote) the release of their new album, ‘Life on Other Planets’, Supergrass have donated a funbag of prizes to the Circus. The album, which takes its cue from early Spanish Hucrus folk music (pre-Cowalah Pont, of course) features the singles ‘Grace’ and ‘Never Done Nothing Like That Before’. For your pleasure the foyer-pop tunesters are giving away a t-shirt (very nice), a poster and a door hanger to the clever fellow who can answer the riddle a droit.

Win Supergrass stuff

What was Supergrass’s debut album?

A: B: C:

I Should Coco I Should Cocons I Should Cocez

Take the hit, sucka

H

itmen are amongst the unsung heroes of this world. They do a thankless job for very little money and spend an unfair amount of time in shoddy motel rooms. Even after recent attempts to unionize the industry, contract killing is still a pariah profession like darning or lobster potting.

Of course, considerations like this will probably be far from your mind while playing the new Eidos Interactive game, Hitman 2: Silent Assassin. Taking the role of Agent 47, you must roam an grim urban nightscape gunning down informants, delivering letters and installing loft insulation for an evil crime syndicate.

To win a copy of aforesaid gorefest, send your preferred format (Playstation 2, X-Box, Lights Alive) and the answer to this question...

Win Hitman 2: Silent Assassin What is your character’s name in Hitman 2?

A: B: C:

Agent 47 Ian ‘El Spiv’

in a Whitaker’s Almanack 2003 Always losing family arguments? Never on the winning team at pub quizzes?

The Whitaker’s Almanack 2003 will solve all these issues. Packed with a spectacular range of fascinating and vital facts, it is quite simply the most authoritative, reliable and highly regarded reference book available today. It contains the latest information on the social, political and economic infrastructure of the UK and the rest of the world - all in one volume.

The 135th Win edition will Whitaker’s be available stuff to buy from 31st October How many potential 2002 but we’ve got readers, including Ryan Giggs, has gair 1 copy to give away rhydd got? so you can be A: 4 first in the know. Please send your name and address B: 8 to us, through the usual means of contact.

C: 6 billion.

++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE TAT++

02

et TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP

Well, autumn has truly begun. After the warmest September in a decade, it’s almost inevitable that, by the time you read this, the University Hall dwellers amongst you will have found yourselves victims of many a downpour. Fear not, Cardiff has so much to offer in the coming fortnight there’s no need to rely on reading lists for entertainment! Get out and get there!

Awesome Autumn

5 top sources of shelter (from the storm) Supergrass flourish in Great Hall Supergrass, Friday 25th October, Great Hall, £15

W

ell, who kept the ball rolling?

How did Britpop find its way into another academic calendar?

Supergrass are back and it’s if they’ve never been away. A new single, a new album and not all that much has really changed.

This is not necessarily a bad thing, however.

University tours have always been best perceived as an extension of the summer festival

3. Italian Musical Theatre comes to Barry Wednesday 23rd and Thursday 24th October, 7.30pm Most students only ever venture to Barry for a day out at the pleasure beach. Some are even invited there for specially arranged driving lessons. Once a year though, the people of Cardiff have another reason to make tracks towards the sea.

The memorial hall has a grand reputation for hosting European theatre but this event looks like being exceptional.

Admittedly it does seem to be rather odd Greek drama and Alice In Wonderland are

combined and underscored by a selection of animal noises, gregorian chants and electronic chimes.

Supported by the Italian Cultural Institute, this grand opera will give you all the chance to feel thoroughly European for a few hours. The dear people at Chapter are helping to put this together and have limited coach spaces available.

Tel 02920 20304400 www.chapter.org

4. Afrodisiac light up the bay season. People with an unhealthy interest in Steve Lamacq gather in a large place to forget the struggle and toil of life. Supergrass are an easy band to go an see. Gaz Coombes is yet to display evidence of being harmed by the burden of his record collection and his talent for B list radio remains fully intact.

Furthermore, the dear people in student tour land have arranged for The

Libertines to join Supergrass on this year’s haunt. Tonight offers an opportunity to see one of this year’s more hyped bands. With a few less years on their shoulders, The Libertines look forward a decade for their influences. Neither threaten musical revolution, but if you need a chance to release some hidden anger then head for that sprung floor.

Tickets: £15 advance

2. Glastonbury, ‘The Play’

Saturday19th October , Cardiff Coal Exchange, 8pm An eclectic affair down at the bay for the thrill seekers amongst you. Somewhere between world music, politics and just plain funky, tonight sees DJ Jaffa, one of Wales’ leading hip-hop Djs, joined by prolific composer Charlie Barber, a man whose creative talents have brought him world wide acclaim.

Whilst Barber guides his hand-picked rhythm section

through a selection of late latino hip-hop and salsa classics, he’ll be joined by an array of street performers who boast talents ranging from fire breathing to breakdancing.

There’s sure to be a carnival atmosphere in the large open spaces of the Coal Exchange and at only £5.50 admission, staying at home just isn’t an option.

Tel 02920 494197

5. Blak Twang show some faith Sunday 20th October, Clwb Ifor Bach, 8pm

Wednesday 23rd - Saturday 26th October, Pontcanna Fields A heated tent comes to Cardiff in the name of theatre. This though, as you may have guessed, is a play with a difference. Featuring the ubiquitous Keith Allen, who stars as a seasoned crusty type, the organisers promise a live performance from special guests.

The identity of these bands is, of course, supposed to remain a mystery. Us media types can reveal though that the act is unlikely to be UB40 (bookies’ initial favourites), Ocean Colour Scene (known to love Wales) or New Order (shame). Where these acts will fit into the elaborate staging,

which Damien Hirst is rumoured to have constructed, is shrouded in similar levels of secrecy.

The script promises the usual mix of humour and insight; a combination that every other music biopic/exposé has proclaimed to offer. Nevertheless, with a little faith and slightly less cynicism you could have an interesting evening.

Check with www.cardiffbus.com for transport to Pontcanna. It should be worth making the effort for.

Tickets £10, see www.wayahead.com

Staff list

Come on, admit it! How would you normally spend your Sunday evening? A quiet drink perhaps, maybe a little television. Nothing you couldn’t alter at short notice?

Well, tonight it’s time to head for Clwb for another of the Hustler Hip-Hop showcases.

Burn off the calories accumulated across the weekend and get down to highoctane beats of one of the most acclaimed live hip-hop acts in the UK at the moment.

Superlatives abounded following this duo’s appearance at Glastonbury over the summer so this tour could be the last chance you get to see them in club venues. And you’d be a fool to miss out.

Backed by the usual team of Hustler residents, this promises to be a splendid night of entertainment.

Tickets £8 Tel 02920 232199 www.clwb.net

In this issue of GRiP...

GRiP editors: Robin Jackson & Nick Mcdonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) Get there: Neil Krajewski Explore the psyche at (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) g39.

Arts: LaDonna Hall &Mat Croft (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C Gates (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Interview Turin Brakes Film: Neil Blain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) and listen to the new Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth, Nick JJ72 longplayer McDonald &Steve Hurst (gairrhyddtvdesk@hotmail.com) Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)

05: Arts

12: Film

Speak to the director of new smash My Little Eye

06: Music 15:Games/ Web Stroll through a virtual village.

16: Books

See if The Crystal Petal and the White matches up to expectations.

17: TV

A scrounge through the best and the worst TV

03

GRiP

Union

ethereal Icelanders. Loved by Americans, Tom Cruise included, but don’t let that put you off.

They’re ace.

Mondays

Saturday 19/10

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution.

Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend,’ it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, making Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue.

Tuesdays Candy @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

If you like to shake your booty to the best R’n’B, Garage and Hiphop, then Candy should be your regular fixture on a Tuesday night.

Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Weekly night of much hilarity and wine. Featuring appearances from Gordon Southern (15the Oct) and Adam Crow (22nd Oct)

Wednesdays Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00.

If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all the greatest hits from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, karaoke classics and all

Live Music Monday 14/10

Goldrush + Longview + Black Neilson @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5adv The band formerly known as Whispering Bob return. We met them supporting Elbow last year, they’re great blokes, but they need

Thursdays

Saturdays

Eighties Night @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

This years freshers intake might have missed most of the eighties on account of only being at nursery school, but no matter. It’s never too late to learn about the greatest decade that music has yet to offer.

Spandau Ballet! Duran Duran!

Tiffany!

Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 1am, free One of the UK’s top student night arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2.

Starshaped @ Seren Las 9pm, £2 Indie, rock and generally alternative sound courtesy of newly crowned gair rhydd legends, Rich and Pete. If the music wasn’t enough, there’s drinks promotions too.

Fridays Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

“I’d be gutted that I didn’t buy my Lash ticket early,” was the cry in the Gair Rhydd office last year when we inevitably forgot to get our tickets early enough. Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme you to ensure they don’t acquire the new Coldplay record just yet it’s bad for your health! Black Neilson offer Mercury Rev sized promise in a small room.

Marvellous.

Folk/Acoustic Jam Session @ Clwb Ifor Bach, free The obvious and still the best solution to any problem - if you’re not happy then do it yourself. Sadly I can’t play but I’d love to see some of you troubadors go and try.

Wednesday 16/10 Lupine Howl @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 Former members of Spiritualized remain trapped in their time warp and stumble back to Cardiff. By rights they should be playing Vision 2K, host to many a great act in the 1970s - just ask your landlord/parents/lecturers.

Thursday 17/10 The Kennedy Soundtrack + D-Fi @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv Fresh from naming their album after a Dicken’s novel (kids today, hey!) and touring the nation’s schools, the soundtrack to life in Newport return. If you’re under 18 in these parts, their debut LP is a passport to happiness. If you’re older and more cynical, you’ll praise their rap metal stylings from

Sundays Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, £1 Laid back sounds in Seren Las. Top notch. a healthy distance.

Freshers’ Autumn Ball @ Students Union 8pm-2am, £13adv Featuring Judge Jules (as usual), Grooverider and Anne Savage.

Visuals provided by Pete Tong’s radio show.

Murcof + Tony Morley (DJ) + Dark Bazaar + John Barnes @ Clwb Ifor bach 8pm, £5 Electronic superstar from Mexico brings his twisted techno roadshow to Clwb. You NEED to be there.

Friday 18/10 Puressence + Echoboy @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 Forgive us for we have sinned.

That much is obvious. Puressence have returned with their sights set on the big time again. At least Echoboy had the right idea, if you’re bandmates are short of inspiration (fellow members of the Hybirds in his case, then go solo.)

An inspired move, Echoboy now makes electronica that periodically veers toward being interesting; give me that over Weller-rock anyday.

The Welsh Pistols @Flyhalf and Firkin £5 Tribute band shenanigans Sigur Ros Party @ Capsule Gallery, Charles Street free Playback of new album by ambient,

Sunday 20/10 Bowling for Soup + Uncle Brian @ Barfly 3pm and 7.30pm, £4 adv Evening session faves cash in on their breakthrough with two shows in a day. Comedy punk in the vein of Reel Big Fish.

Monday 21/10 British Sea Power + Martini Henry Rifles + The Tenderfoot @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 Moody Rough Trade types go it alone with dark, twisted and generally deep sounds. Martini Henry Rifles supply a lighter dish and are probably the better for it.

Paul Weller @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £25 Inexplicably popular dad-rock type begins another huge tour. Go and see Ray Davies instead, St. Davids Hall is a nicer venue.

Adam F @ Solus 9pm, free Generous free appearance from drum’n’bass type.

Tuesday 22/10 Hoggboy + Nu + Trailblazer@ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 Northern Brit rock types return to plug their average muddy sounding indie. I am confident that you’re capable of finding a better way of passing your evening.

Wednesday 23/10 Oceansize + Chapter 21 + Fillmore @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5

The Afternoons + David David + The Issacs @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Fresh faced local indie types dress smartly to impress hoards of twee faced student types.

Noxagt + Mountain Men Anonymous + Botanophobia @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £5 Norwegian no-wave acted are joined by (still) rather fabulous Cardiff post-rock type. Don’t attend expecting crowd participation

Friday 25/10 Supergrass + The Libertines @ Great Hall, Students Union 7.30pm, £15 See events of the fortnight (left) Terrashima + Martini Henry Rifles + C64 @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv A band good enough to relegate the fantastic Martini Henry Rifles to a support slot? Surely, not. Worth going to find out though.

Saturday 26/10

Pop Vandals + Maharishi @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv Mum and Dad @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £4 Exceedingly strange Twisted nerve act make rare live appearance.

Imagine Add N to X pretending to like 70s metal.

Sunday 27/10 Dem Brooklyn Bums + Chemical Reaction @ Barfly 3pm, £4 Ska-pop punk rock celebration.

Coming Up JJ72 @ Great Hall, Student Union Monday 11/11 7.30pm, £12.50 In an attempt at celtic solidarity, Cardiff invite pseudo indie goths JJ72 back to headline the union.

Spunge @ Solus 7.00pm, £8 Light hearted ska types from Cheltenham.

Badly Drawn Boy @ Great Hall Monday 02/12 7.30pm, £15adv You know what to expect by now; great coup for the union all the same.

Doves@ Great Hall Friday 06/12 7.30pm, £14 adv Promising night of entertainment that’s bound to be the victim of excessive hype in the coming weeks. Although, obviously, such enthusiasm is justified.

Films on release in Cardiff...

The Bourne Identity Starring: Matt Damon

Special Agent Jason Bourne is found with Amnesia by a French fisherrnan. With no clue of his identity, Bourne sets out to discover why he is a wanted man, in this intelligently action fuelled espionage film.

Insomnia Starring: Al Pacino, Robin Williams

A police detective accidentally shoots his own partner while trying to apprehend a suspect.

The detective is given an unexpected alibi, but this "solution" only multiplies the emotional complexity and guilt.

Sweet Sixteen Starring:Martin Compston, AnnMarie Fulton

Gritty and bleak, Sweet Sixteen is no easy viewing.

Shot in a documentary style it tells of a boy caught up in a crime- ridden existence and his complex feelings of split loyalties and his struggle for survival.

Road To Pedition Starring: Tom Hanks, Paul Newman

Sam Mendes’ second film is a powerful drama set in the gangster run 1930’s. Beautiful cinematography and a chilling performance by Jude Law definately make this a must see movie.

Signs Starring: Mel Gibson

Fans of Shyamalan’s work (Unbreakable, Sixth Sense) will love this chilling portrayal of the crop circles phenomenon. Set on a Pennsylvanian farm, tension accelerates as the cause of these patterns is revealed.

Get There

Tuesday 15/10

in this immensely popular night.

Thursday 24/10

Cardiff’s listings in full

Vendetta Red + Span + License to Destroy @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 adv Highly promising emo types from the USA arrive to promote their new album and single. Solid melodic rock that conjures memories of the Foo Fighters’ better moments. Span offer similar pleasures straight out of Scandinavia.

Ray Davies @ St Davids Hall 7.30pm, £20adv Founder of the Kinks and all round nice guy returns for a night of song and stories.

Alexa Bay + Janiero + Rough Smith + Mad Dog @ Barfly 8pm, £4 Band competition.

LMS Unplugged @Moloko Vodka Bar 50p members/£1 Exactly what it says on the tin:the Live Music Society accoustic night.

Cheap scenes.

the cheese you can handle.

Manchild + The Loves @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv Former Cardiff students doing their bit for the city once again. Manchild offer a heady brew of rapping, breaks and beats whilst The Loves dye their hair and openly confess a fondness for The Ramones. Odd pairing, but exciting all the same.

Roy Harper @ Cardiff Coal Exchange 7.30pm, £14 Critically acclaimed singersongwriter type goes on the hunt for younger fans.

Queens of the Stone Age @ Great Hall, Students Union 7.30pm, £14 David Grohl makes his first Welsh appearance of the autumn as part of the new QOSTA super-group.

Perfect.

Wizards of Oz @ Flyhalf and Firkin £5 Not a drive through movie, but an Ozzy Osbourne tribute act.

Noisy Manchester types return with their famed walls of sound Terminalhead @Solus 9pm, £4 One-mission endorsed dance affair.

04

Get TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’Bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings.

Happy Mondays @ Barfly Sounds like a cash-in off the back of 24 Hour Party people to me, but you could always go and find out.

One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm.

Gay venue. Chart and Dance.

Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun.

All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Featuring Jason Donovan (14th Oct)

Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone's money.

Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in!

Student Night @ Barfly 10.30pm - 2am, free NUS Chart and cheese from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of Vodka Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thought it.

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm, I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm.

A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffeur, but highly unlikely.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush

surroundings.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace.

Check it out.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott!

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

Deja Vu @ Clwb Ifor Bach New night from Clwb featuring Seventies funk and nu-jazz.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS As if Brit-Pop needed reviving with Space on the prowl Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature.

Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4 R’n’b and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings

Fridays

Sweat Shop @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Ground Floor) 9pm, £3 A loud start to the weekend with a feast of emo, stoner-rock and metal.

Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7 The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop. Featuring EZ Rollers (18the Oct) who have a connection with one of those Vinnie Jones films I think Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and house out on the bay.

ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS Hard House night featuring regular guest DJS including the Tidy Boys (4the Oct)

Saturdays Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros

9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene.

More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Sweet’n’Spicy @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3 Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, Smart dress If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company ofclub classics and funky house

Sundays Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs.

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know.

Perhaps your DJ spinning the decks or maybe you just take money on the tour. We’d genuinely love to hear from you.

Furthermore, I know nothing about the distinction between deep, dark, progressive and hard house, but would be happy to learn. Educate me by e-mailing gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com

Sport In salute of the capital’s recent sporting achievements, gair rhydd

introduces Sports Listings. Go on, the rules of Rugby are easy to pick up and no one will notice if you shift allegiance for three years.

Cardiff City Football Club

(www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk) Cardiff Rugby

(www.cardiffrugby.com) Saturday 26th: vs Pontypridd, 2:30pm Away fixture for the Cardiff boys, but at least it’s local. Only a short journey on a Valley line train and you’ll be there. Tickets are likely to be cheaper than the Arms Park too.

Internationals Wales U21’s Tuesday 15th October vs Italy @ Millennium Stadium

Wales Wednesday 16th October vs Italy Millennium Stadium, Sold Out. Sorry about that one – what a bitch.

But still, some tv station will be showing it, so all is not lost. And then you can go to the pub and drink more too. And after that you can go out and enjoy Cardiff as the retreating fans go to Kiwi’s or Walkabout. If you like football join them for a celebratory or commiseration drink. If not then stay in, with the cat and enjoy a spot of monkey tennis instead. If you ask me, this sounds even more fun.

Societies Yoga Society: Membership just £10 a year. Simply come along to classes on tuesdays, 12-1pm, 1-2pm in the Council

Rooms, 4th floor of the Student Union. For further enquiries contact Jo at RobinsonJ4@cardiff.ac.uk.

Rag: On Wednesday, 31st October at Solus, Rag host a fancy dress Halloween Party – all in the name of charity. Look out for drinks promotions and giveaways. And some good costumes too, I should imagine.

Calling all societies! Want your event listed in these hallowed pages? Follow the example of the Yoga lot and E-mail us at gairrhyddlistings@ hotmail.com with details of your event and we’ll put you in touch with the student masses. Could things get any easier, I wonder?

Cardiff Space Hoppers Society (Slight Return): The 2nd Annual Conference is to be held on Saturday 2 November at 68 Bedford St. Please note: Space Hoppers not provided, so please bring your own. Guest celebrity hoppers include Vincent Kane, Frank Hennessey and Eric off Lovejoy. Phone 02920 781434 for details.

Jonathan Edwards Prayer Group: Inaugeral Meeting. Please phone 02920 781434 for details. Week one: ‘The Blessed Mystery of the Holy Trinity Revealed Through The Hop, Skip and Jump’.

‘How To Fill Space In Student Papers: A Symposium, post9/11’: A day seminar that addresses the pressing issues of blatant space filling in a world after 9/11.

What are the implications of a War Against Terror for humourless hacks? Guest speaker, Simon Weston. Lash provided.

05

GRiP

Art happening of the fortnight

Dreaming Amelia

by Sharon Morgan Sherman Theatre

AMELIA FLIES

B

urry Port, South Wales, plays home to this delightful new piece of drama from Cardiff writer Sharon Morgan.

Her first full length play tells the story

of a modest welsh girl, Betty Parry.

Though poverty stricken and suffering from lack of education, Betty has a free spirited nature that will not be bound to obscurity by the suppressive masculine world she finds herself in at the tender age of sixteen.

Inspired by the real event of Amelia Earhart’s unexpected landing in Bury Port after completing the first ever transcontinental flight by a woman, Dreaming Amelia tells of how one woman’s success can inspire another to have courage in their personal integrity.

Revolutionised by realising the strength of character Amelia has after meeting her on the beach one day, Betty leaves home, against her abusive step-father’s wishes, to follow her individual dreams and become a dancer. Her career leads her to Broadway, but pretty soon she realises its artifice and her own status as mere

A REVIEW FROM THE BRIDGE

spectacle on the stage. Objectified by men she realises female authority through fame can be at the negation of the true self. She chooses to return home and take her place as a quiet hero there, following in the steps of the women who truly inspired her, her mother and her dance mistress.

Clearly propaganda for women’s rights this play has the capability of letting its characters fall into stereotypes. The strong ‘masculine’ type woman is visible in Earhart’s character, predictably attired with cropped hair and thigh slapping breeches, and the ‘beaten but too scared to leave him’ woman is wholly present in Betty’s mother. However, that said the play still does manage to retain a beautifully feminine, individual angle, which strongly emerges through the character of Betty, her dreams and her dance.

Dreaming Amelia is a well choreographed play that strongly incorporates dance both for entertainment and metaphorical purposes. The dance and dialogue is supported by simple but mesmerising music that can so easily change the atmosphere in the intimate arena of the Sherman theatre. It is impossible to be anything but wholly engrossed by the

production.

So too is the play’s strength increased tenfold by its superb direction and the way it is so charmingly acted by the small but strong Welsh cast. Sian McDowell (Betty) easily captivates the audience and holds them through her often long solo scenes with her pure energy and life. The supporting actors were highly commendable. Having to play two or more characters each their talent was rawly exposed through their attention to

It is inspiring, not only to women but, I presume, also to those bloody men. detail which made sure their numerous characters remained undoubtedly distinguishable.

Little publicised and touring small venues only, this play is a really delightful surprise. Not only a fine display of Welsh talent and history but such an endearing tale it puts a truly honest smile on your face. It is inspired and inspiring in return, not only to women but, I presume, also to those bloody men.

Still touring for a while yet in venues around south Wales it is definitely worth catching if you can.

Charlotte Lyon

CHAPTER-IFIC!

M

att Cook taped various sounds from around the city which he played as he invited four volunteers to swing pendulum torches over light receptors in his show A View From The Bridge by Arthur Miller Pendulum Electronica. Hyphephelia by Aly Simpkins was a haunting black and white short film of a girl’s obsession New Theatre with fabric. The culture of self-improvement was he name Arthur Miller was twee and childlike. Although, at first satirised in Dave Steed’s Guide to Success. reverberates around the tainted it seemed as if it was the actress at Folklore stories of the Mabinogi were used in the psyche of many a former English fault, as the plot unfolded it was clear striking solo performance of Beci Jamieson.

GSCE and A-level student. I myself had that it was not the player that was Bizzaro Jesus by Florian Feigl could have this ‘former husband of Marilyn irritating but in fact the character she cut down the empty tedious spaces and Monroe’s’ work scrutinised and played. repetitive actions but it went on for Experimentica eventually bludgeoned to death by the The most endearing performance, three hours. However, he did hand of a malevolent English teacher. however, came from Tadeusz Pasternak urinate in some glasses and Chapter Arts However, whatever your educational who played Italian illegal-immigrant drink from them, before Centre prejudices against this playwright, it is Rodolpho. Amidst a colllection of weak smashing the glasses and his enduring relevance that makes him and in many cases un-likeable then cutting continuous indispensable. It was such relevancy characters Rodolpho provided both the lines all over his body. In that made A View From The Bridge social tension and light relief. His Anyone You’ve Been by played at The New Theatre so very energetic performance contrasted Rachel Calder- an striking. The tragic story of Eddie beautifully with his somewhat drab interactive show about Carbone’s inability to let go of his niece, surroundings. identity, highlights were the complexities of love, homophobia Questions of Illegal immigration were the ‘Gershwalt and issues of immigration are all raised here. The emotional involvement Personality Test touched upon in this heart-rending of audience to character undoubtedly Computer’, in fact a piece. saw many questioning the Daily Mail’s ‘pick a colour’ paper finger type thing, The first ten minutes of the first Act anti- immigration propaganda as they tested on an audience member. were somewhat tainted by the slightly witnessed lives being shattered. When The one minute film competition suspect accents of the actors. The some newly arrived immigrants are was entertaining and refreshing. Eve grating Noo Yoik intones and hammy dragged away in the last act it was Dent’s off- site live installation was pronunciation of words such as eerily reminiscent of the holocaust. As her lying naked on this wooden floor, “coifeee” saw the actors seemingly the curtain fell there was a sigh of relief her hand appearing on struggling with their new found accents. as the audience’s collective conscience the other side of this However, after a short while their was eased. ridge type thing that accents softened slightly and the Although this production was not came out the floor and disbelief was thus suspended. faultless, it was challenging. While A had water coming out The key performance of Eddie View From The Bridge saw the downfall of it. Richard Dedomici’s Carbone, played by Robert Gwilym, of a man on the brink, one could not video and explanation of how was undoubtedly powerful. Striding help but despair for our world which is he’d tried to get some across the stage gave him the now on a similar cusp. If theatre is lesbians together for an public threatening presence his character about confronting its audience then the transport concept – Maglez, (he required. His laughter, his violence and play and the performances it does explain) resulted in some his pain were sewn together effortlessly encouraged were successful both as a of the audience members forming into a frightening realism. The catalyst for thought and a a human circular conveyer belt performance of Carbone’s niece re-assessment of values. which manages to transport a girl three Catherine, played by Katherine Holmes, Sarah Ross metres before falling apart- hilarious. Pauline Cheung

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Long Distance Phone Call

O

N THE eve of Turin Brakes’ Acoustic Tour rolling into Bristol, Andy Parsons rings up Olly Knights from the band about their new album Ether Song, becoming the highlight of the V2002 festival and filming a promo video surrounded by the worst flooding in Europe for 100 years.

IT’S ALWAYS nice to say “I got there first” with a band, discovering an excellent new band and watching them grow and succeed over the years.

Whilst I’m sure I’m not the only person to have bought Turin Brakes’ first major label EP The State Of Things back in 2000, it’s been great to see them develop, produce a fantastic first album and slowly develop the following that they deserve.

After filling the tent at both legs of the V2002 festival (upstaging the usually superb Badly Drawn Boy) as just an acoustic three piece (Olly and Gale usually tour with a full band) it was excellent to discover the band were going to perform a full tour of small venues with that line up.

“We just did it to prove to ourselves that we could again.” Says Olly “There might have been a tendency to hide behind the rest of the band when we were a five piece. It’s a lot easier playing like that, but it was something we wanted to test at the festivals and since people seemed to like it, we decided to turn it into a proper tour.”

“People seemed to like it” may have been something of an understatement.

On the Sunday night gig in Staffordshire the crowd we went wild for the band and the cheers when old favourites like The Door and Mind Over Money were played show how many people have been touched by the bands debut, The Optimist LP. On the band’s website Olly wrote after the gigs “We are changed forever after those two shows.” When I ask him about it now he laughs – “It was an unbelievable boost of positivity, the reaction we got.

We were scared shitless about the thought of playing to 8000 people as a trio, with a lot of newer material. But we couldn’t have dreamed for a better reaction and it’s got us really excited about the prospects of the new album.”

The bands new album Ether Song, preceded by the epic single Long Distance, was produced in LA with Tony Hoffer or Air, Supergrass and Beck fame.

“It was amazing working with him.”

Explains Olly “we swore we’d never work with a producer, but he opened our

eyes about fully exploiting what we could do. Tony’s very much a part of the album. 99% of the album was recorded live, where as the first one was put together in the studio. I think it’s got a much bigger and stronger sound to it.

We were just a whole lot more confident recording it.” He was also glad to record it outside of London: “Making albums in different countries is a very good thing - wherever you record, it gives the album a flavour of that place. We’re thinking of recording the next album in Spain or somewhere: it’ll probably be full of flamenco music!”

Olly describes the new single as “an excellent introduction to the new album, it’s probably the track on the new album which is closest to the stuff on The Optimist LP.” Long Distance is accompanied by an excellent video depicting the band playing in a room

which is slowly flooding - ironically filmed in the centre of Prague during the recent floods there.

“That was one of the most bizarre weekends of my life” says Olly “it was purely a coincidental thing, we’d planned that video for a while and Prague was just the location we decided on, the fact we were recreating a flood in a building surrounded by several feet of water was just highly surreal. There’s no indication of it being filmed in Prague however - we weren’t trying to be ironic or anything!”

Ironic or not, the single is one of Turin Brakes finest moments, with a chorus reaching the epic levels that only Doves and possibly Coldplay have managed to reach in the last 12 months. It all bodes well for the Ether Song which promises to take Turin Brakes to even dizzier heights.

New Kid On The Block...

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E’S THE teenager with the voice of an angel and the riffs of the devil, but what’s he actually like? Rob Jackson catches up with child prodigy Martin Grech, before he plays the Cardiff Barfly.

MARTIN GRECH is in an apologetic mood, he’s just come off stage after a impressive and powerful set, but he is still of the opinion that he could have done better, “It was great fun, but man did we screw up so much! My singing was all over the place.” And that’s the great thing about Grech, you only have to be

in a room with him for 30 seconds to be infected by his charm and openness, he’s not being unduly modest, just honest.

Although Martin Grech may not yet be well known, his music certainly is thanks the Lexus Cars advertising campaign over the summer, which featured the hunting title track to his album, Open Heart Zoo. Three years in the making, Open Heart Zoo was released this summer to critical acclaim.

Part dirty industrial riffs reminiscent of Rage and Nine Inch Nails, part Radiohead at their abstract and heartbreaking best, all sung by a 19 year old with a voice every bit as good as the late Jeff Buckley, it’s a stunning debut

that Grech was lead through by producer Andy Ross.

“I’d done some of the worst demos in history, and they got passed around and he got hold of them and believed in their potential. He acted almost as a father to the music, it was almost a nurturing process, some of the songs were already in a finished form when I took them to the studio but definitely the songs wouldn’t be what they are today without him.”

Discussing the influences and comparisons that have been bandied about in the press, he still seems genuinely flattered and slightly embarrassed by the legendary names mentioned?

“I hear Jeff Buckley and Radiohead all the time, but I’m not tired of them at all, they’re good.” What influences does he see in his music?

“Bands like Nine Inch Nails weren’t really an influence, because I only discovered them after I’d made my stuff, it’s purely just the Radiohead’s and the Soundgarden’s that I found inspiration from and Peter Gabriel. I love his stuff, he was a major influence to me.”

These are still early days for Grech; this tour of small venues is his first as headline act, but what is coming next?

After the three years it took to complete Open Heart Zoo, he’s already working on the next record “We are under pressure to get this one done, although the last one only really took us sixth months, just spread over years, so this one should be quicker.” Although still early days, what direction is the new album taking?

“Well the heavier stuff is heavier and the lighter stuff is lighter and not as much in between, more extremes.”

Animated, laughing and excited, Martin Grech comes over like a kid in a sweet shop, getting to play his music and loving every minute of it, the goodnatured teenager from Aylesbury has quite a future ahead of him, but what does he see in the years ahead?

“I’d love to have the freedom to just make whatever I want to make, whether it be music, video, whatever. Free expression and all that stuff,” he says with a grin on his face “It would be fantastic!”

Interview over, he’s straight out to sign posters and meet fans, thrilled by the praise and congratulations he’s receiving, but still apologising for the performance.

Fair to say, here is a down to earth kid with the talent to go far.

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PICK OF Single of the Fortnight THE REST FEEDER Come Back Around Echo

VENDETTA RED Cut Your Noose Epic SEXY SEATTLE five-piece Vendetta Red, are a divine mixture of head-banging hardcore and emotive emo.

Filled to the brim with wickedly catchy hip-shaking riffs and vocals dripping with sex appeal and verve. From the energetic and uber-catchy opener Three Chord Valentine (which puts anything most punky bands have churned out to shame), to the almost tear-inducing final track The White Nightmare, which delves into Vendetta Red’s softer side.

You can’t help but not want this EP to end.

And with an up and coming UK tour in the next few weeks this is a band guaranteed to feed any music lovers habit.

Gemma Jones

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ADD N TO (X) Take Me To Your Leader Mute EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE purveyors of perved-up robofunk return with another slice of delicious electronica to brighten your day. That trademark Add N To (X) ability to make even the simplest key change sound utterly filthy is present and correct, with Steve Claydon repeating the title mantra-style over squelching, squealing keyboards; if anything, the playfully dirty b-side The Trees Are Dreamless Lifeless Genius is even better.

A hundred years hence, the soundtracks of all porn films will sound like this.

Alex Macpherson

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AFTER THE tragic demise of much loved drummer John Lee, Feeder return with this their new single. Thankfully its a corker with trademark neat guitars, impassioned vocals from Grant and lyrics that give a sense of surviving through tragedy such as, “suffer the breaks you know I still remember it.”

Feeder have remerged with one of their best singles, Grant and his band now seem to be using their music as a form of therapy that’s reminiscent of the Everything Must Go era Manics.Bill Cummings

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Back for Good HEM I’m Talking With My Mouth Setanta OTHER THAN the accuracy of the title’s great revelation that indeed, yes, a mouth is being used to transmit the vocals on this 5-track EP, there’s little to draw attention to.

Tuneful female vocals, not dissimilar to those of Beth Orton, stride through five acoustic covers from Elvis Costello, Johnny Cash and Bruce Springsteen. Essentially this is a recording of a busker.

Not a bad busker, but a busker nonetheless.

Andrew Davidson

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NELLY FEAT. KELLY ROWLAND Dilemma Universal OTHERWISE KNOWN as the only R&B classic in recent memory not to feature Neptunes production, Dilemma cuts to the heart of the relationship politics debate with one of the most infectious tunes of the year. Nelly muses on temptation, Kelly trills about forbidden love, and a music box tinkles gently in the background; meanwhile, the accompanying video condenses the entire chickflick genre into four minutes of longing glances. Ah, love’s young dream...

Alex Macpherson

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IN THIS new single, David McAlmont’s soulful voice renders dangerous hints of melody that bear an unnerving similarity to Simply Red. The brave subduing of Bernard Butler’s guitaring, in favour of a percussion motif, steers the song too far in the direction of a gospel choir style.

Bring It Back is an exuberant song with breezy backing vocals and good intentions, but is essentially ideologically empty and stands in the shadow of the melancholic elation of Falling.

Daniel Barnes

WHAT WE have here is a collection of carefully built, mellow songs, topped by a voice like a smooth-as-milk Thom Yorke. Chasing Dreams is pop built on subtle Floydian flourishes and understated orchestras. Little Miss More Or Less is ebbing, flowing and perfect for soothing sore heads on Sunday mornings, and Home Song should accompany a film about supernatural cowboys. The closing Psychonauts remix is well done, and closes the disc fittingly. This isn't a revolution in sound, but it is rather pretty.

Cassidy Phillips

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OCEANSIZE Relapse EP Beggars Banquet WOULD IT be so wrong to expect the sound of Jimi Goodwin from the Doves bawling out aching epic melodies over walls of Cooper Temple Clause prog guitar wailing, whilst several postrock figureheads monitor riff and time signature quality to be exciting? You wouldn’t think so. Yet somehow on these three preposterously long and over produced noodle scratchers, it seems so very, very wrong.

Much like the aforementioned ‘Clause, this ep is pretty much devoid of wit, talent, vibrance or artistic merit. Points off for their godawful name, too.

John Widdop

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HUNDRED REASONS Falter Columbia STILL UNDERGROUND enough not to offend streetcredibility, ambient enough to warrant air-play (though perhaps not on Radio 2) Falter is a good follow-up to Silver.

Think chilled guitar-riffs and diluted At The Drive-In vocals.

Slightly arrested, the delicate melody is not what you’d expect and the song never really gets going but is definitely worth a listen.

Just keep a Safe Distance from the b-sides which have all the charisma and subtlety of Phil Mitchell.

Becky Wedlake

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LITTLE HELL Everybodies Cursed Double Dragon Music ANTHEMIC GUTTER sleaze punk with a healthy dose of attitude.

Unfortunately it sounds more like King Adora than Queen Adreena, to its detriment. The lead track and its b-sides are not bad by a long shot, however there's really nothing here to take this EP into the stratosphere and it remains firmly in the gutter.

Sam Brokenshaw

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BENT Go! Kommando EP Sport Recordings

TURIN BRAKES Long Distance Source

ONCE AGAIN Bent make the sometimes ordinary world of downtempo beats seem exciting and special. Opener Beautiful Otherness is a gentle love song from a cocktail bar on Venus, whilst the Ashley Beedle remix of Always stretches the original into an 8 minute house epic.

The highlight of the EP though is I Think of You (While I Should be Working) a dense track which keeps threatening to break into acid madness, but ends with a slowed down message to a loved one from someone who “Can’t stop

FOLLOWING UP last years brilliant Optimist LP, Olly and Gale aka Turin Breaks are back with the single, Long Distance. Starting out with quiet vocals and measured guitars, it soon develops into a powerful chorus, heavy with emotion and energy before spiralling out of control into an instrumental free for all. A beautiful and mighty track, Long Distance is Turin Breaks’ next step on the road to world domination. If the rest of the forthcoming album is only half as good as this, you will not be disappointed. Rob Jackson

✩✩✩✩✩ GARBAGE Shut Your Mouth Mushroom ITS DIFFICULT to rate Garbage, largely due to the consistancy of quality they seem to be able to maintain.

Everything is similar in its own electro-rock way. Undeniably there is much here of quality and the song hides are harder edge beneath its unique pop suss. Kinda what you expect from a band whose frontwoman shat in her boyfriend’s cornflakes.

Sam Brokenshaw

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MORCHEEBA Way Beyond East West ALTHOUGH ON the latter dates of a grandly popular national tour, Morcheeba seem to have learned precious little. Whilst previous albums have displayed much funkier and more flavoursome activity, this offering remains rooted in the plant pot of tedium: smooth harmonies, clean sounding vocals and 4/4 percussion. A shame really, a clearly competent brass section would be more fruitfully employed in a more upbeat and confident direction.

As this is but the soundtrack to purgatory, save your money for the children, or indeed, the new Supergrass single.

Andrew Davidson

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BADLY DRAWN BOY You Were Right Twisted Nerve / XL ONCE UPON a time there lived a young man with a good talent for writing sing-a-longlyrics and playing harmonious backing chords on his acoustic guitar. He self-titled himself Badly Drawn Boy, got signed to XL recordings and sold himself to the enticing world of corporate music.

Despite this damaging shift in priority and principle, BDB’s latest tune retains elements of cheer and bounce from his former independent recordings, if not the same degree of unadulterated passion. Baz

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Music

MAGNET Chasing Dreams EP Ultimate Dilemma

THESE GUYS would be a riot down The Toucan on a Friday night. On a night out their brand of accomplished whiteboy funk would set your ass a-shakin’. On record, though, they can’t compete with all the grooves laid down so perfectly in the early 70s.

Funk fans are better off sticking to their Meters and Sly Stone records. But having said that, Vibration Whitefinger sound like they could do the business on stage. Mat C

thinking of your wonderful eyes”. Not only is it one of the best things the Nottingham duo have ever done, its the perfect track to end a mix tape for a loved one with.

Andy Parsons

singles

MCALMONT & BUTLER BRING IT BACK Chrysalis

VIBRATION WHITE FINGER Movin’ Through Esmart Music

Feeder: Taka shows off his badger mullet...

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WASTE OF SPACE Photo:Dave Gibson

SPACE / VANITIES Barfly Cardiff

Space: Tommy looking for inspiration.

JERRY CANTRELL / COMES WITH THE FALL Newport TJ’s COMES WITH The Fall have a lot to live up to having been billed as America’s Next Big Thing. This American trio have the cliched stoner riffs of Kings X and Alice in Chains, shame the vocals aren’t too clear.

Apparently legendary for their live shows in the States they soon have the support of the Newport audience with their tracks taken from the new The Year Is One album. CWTF are not Korn but they will certainly surface in our charts before long. They are releasing a dvd of their live shows soon so be warned if your face was in the crowd.

Jerry Cantrell is fresh off an American tour supporting Creed. He hasn’t headlined a tour for years and the setlist shows it. His album Degradation Trip, has received mixed reviews and the gig got off to a slow start with tracks Psychotic Break and Bargain Basement lulling the fans.

Soon though it becomes clear why this man survived Alice in Chains and has remained a legend. He commanded the stage with his powerful vocals and took the technical difficulties in his stride. As he launched into the AIC track It Ain’t Like That, the audience went wild,even though some of them were clearly not old enough to have remembered the original.

His encore was made up of classic AIC tracks Down In A Hole with the audience singing Layne’s part and Cantrell his own. It was a moving experience. The best new tracks Angel Eyes and She was my Girl were missed but there is a feeling of satisfaction that Cantrell gave his audience everything they wanted and more.

Rachael Howarth

RACHEL STAMP Barfly RACHEL STAMP have been lurking around the underbelly of the British music scene for around ten years.

Today’s gig is somewhat of a home coming as David Prangley, lead singer, is from about ten minutes up the road.

This tour is to debut new material from their new album, entitled Oceans Of Venus.

The songs come at a pace, each one ignited by Prangley’s facial expressions, his rock star posing and the faint air of ridiculousness about the whole spectacle. The front row lap up the heady mixture of glam, rock and sleaziness served up in standout songs like I Wanna Be A Doll and Shake That Black Tambourine. During Crucified, Prangley hangs from pylons on the ceiling, and throws mock crucifixion

THE VANITIES bestride the stage at the Barfly to the backing of the theme to Mary Poppins and dressed in tweed suits that look like relics from the seventies. Following the trend for a resurgence in Eighties retro, The Vanities sound resembles New Order; harmonies and keyboards mixed with the vocal styling of a Thin White Duke era Bowie. The Vanities are very entertaining; the standout tracks being the soaring Believe and the closer Vain Boys (Electro Noise) for which they are joined on stage by an extra singer.

It’s been along time away for Space, who return to Cardiff in the more humble surrounds of the Barfly. They have also shed a member too, Jamie the red haired guitarist has left the group. Space still inhabit a quirky Scouse pop world full of keyboard bleats and psychotic tunes. Tonight they debut mostly new material, like the poppy single Zombies the rabble rousing Death of Punk Rock and the babbling tribute to band suicide Pretty Suicide.

But the crowd want hits but Space frustrate in that department only sprinkling a few singles amongst their set The Female Of The Species and You And Me Against the World.

Its good to have Space back as their lyrics cover serious subjects with a element of black comedy that’s unmatched in most pop music. But musically they have become lightweight, and most of their newer material dull.

Bill Cummings poses, whilst Will the guitarist wields his axe, scissor kicking across the stage.

The cat-like keyboarist doesn’t move from her indignant pose for the entire song.

Rachel Stamp inhabit a world where trashy aesthetics and big riffs rule. They seem to hark after the late 80’s rock scene. The problem is this is 2002 and their attempts to modernize and become a serious Goth/Rock prospect on songs like Black Cherry are just plain funny. Rachel Stamp shouldn’t take themselves too seriously. After all we need more glamour in the music industry, plus they make King Adora look like amateurs at this game.

Bill Cummings

SLOWRIDE Cardiff Flyhalf and Firkin I’VE SEEN some bands in pretty weird places, but seeing an American Emo band play a free gig in the Flyhalf and Firkin must rate as one of the weirdest.

The fact that the “stage” has a fenced barrier all the way around it and that there is a pool table directly in front of it ruins any chance of a bond between the band and the crowd developing. But that doesn’t matter, because Slowride are great.

To say Slowride sound a bit like Jawbreaker is an understatement, but they do it so well and with such passion it doesn’t seem to matter. The songs from their As I Survive The Suicide Bomber debut sound surprisingly beefy live for a three-piece, and drummer Steve Visneau deserves a special mention for beating his drumkit within an inch of its life. The only downside to the gig were technical difficulties, which meant no backing vocals and no encore, but the strength of their main set meant this again didn’t matter and proved that some of the best things in life are free. Owain Cooke

THE MUSIC Bristol Fleece and Firkin THE MUSIC step onto the stage, greeted by a powerful atmosphere and earth-shattering applause.

They open with The Dance, a psychedelic number mixing screaming vocals and blues-rock guitar. Harvey appears guru-like with his characteristic mane of hair, over-sized shirt and manic dancing.

Float is greeted by tremendous roars from the crowd as they launch themselves into a mosh-pit. Harvey’s incredible sound effects and piercing guitar are haunting. With all the talent of The Verve in their early days, The Music are unpretentious with loud guitar, supreme drumming and intense vocals.

Take The Long Road And Walk It is presented mid-set, delivered expertly by

Harvey, whose mission, it seems, is to strip rock back to basis and deliver it in the fashion of the greats. The aptly named guitarist Adam Nutter is in full swing as they launch into another tumultuous Zeppelin-esque number, climaxing in Muse-style dementia.

On CD they may sound 2Dimensional but on stage the raw talent of The Music is evident. This is a breath-taking band that MUST be seen to be believed. Becky Wedlake

THE DIVINE COMEDY/BEN FOLDS Bristol Academy ENTER BEN Folds and his magic piano, now free from the ties that bind him to a rhythm section but by no means sounding less busy and by no means losing the same spark that kept the original five songs pounding. Yes, the same slightly smug, slightly overthe-top virtuoso tomfoolery remains (the pointless tinkering to end Philosophy for example) but now out on his own, the more reflective songs like Annie Walker stand out far better than the hits. But overall, the Ben Folds live experience soars miles away from the restrictions of his records. Folds inspires devotion, and despite a few niggling flaws, the personality of both the man, and the songs, shine through.

It was inevitable that Neil Hannon would someday cross paths with Ben Folds. But tonight, Hannon comes across with a lot less of the charisma and character of his former self. Instead of being a showman like Folds, The Divine Comedy just play a series of simply stunning songs. They neglect the obvious choices for new songs such as Our Mutual Friend or album tracks like Sunrise. Brisk trots through National Express and the out-of-place but welcome return of My Lovely Horse seal off a slightly melancholic headline set, yet slyly carrying an undertone of sheer joy. And when Ben returns for a series of duets as the evening reaches it’s final stretch, it’s plainly obvious that both The Divine Comedy and The Ben Folds Five were just disguises. Tonight, it was the Ben and Neil show: two vastly underrated and effortlessly talented songwriters of our generation.

John Widdop

THE DATSUNS Barfly THE DATSUNS have muscle. They have wild-eyed stares. They have testosterone, swagger, and an inordinate amount of hair. They have a song entitled Lady without a trace of irony. Like every other song in the set tonight, it is underpinned by a motherfuckoff huge guitar riff and sung

by Dolf De Datsun in a ferocious roar

which can only be described as - that word again - testosterone-fuelled. Your correspondent wasn’t alive thirty years ago, but would be prepared to bet all the money he doesn’t have that this is what it felt like.

Back to the testosterone. Its importance tonight cannot be downplayed: the Datsuns peddle the dictionary definition of cock-rock, all masculine thrusting and guitar-aspenis-extension shit. It’s as dumb as Hot In Here, and with much less sex appeal. It’s also toe-tappingly - nay, foot-stompingly - excellent, and the rapturous reception is entirely justified.

The Datsuns: they’ll rawk your world and party like it’s 1972.

Alex Macpherson

VEX RED/BIFFY CLYRO Newport TJ’s SUPPORT FOR Vex Red was provided

by Glasgow’s Biffy Clyro, a three piece who played angular pop-punk of the quiet-loud variety somewhat akin to Hundred Reasons, played by Weezer.

Despite equipment trouble they generated a lot of energy, and it was hard not to warm to the sound of the crowd singing along to the backing vocals of several songs.

With Biffy Clyro having warmed up the crowd, Vex Red took to the stage.

Singer/guitarist Terry Abbot dressed all in black coming across like a camp Casey Chaos, his gracious thanking of the crowd between songs came up just short of a group hug with the front row.

However the crowd really should have been thanking Vex Red who played a uniformly excellent set hampered only by the inability of the acoustics of TJ’s, AKA ‘The Cave’, to handle their sound.

With up to three guitars, bass, drums, vocals and keyboards all playing at once some of the interplay was inevitably lost. The set featured much of the material from their debut album Start With A Strong And Persistent Desire with the band displaying their versatility by repeatedly switching instruments. Two new songs were also played, plus an Abbot solo spot featuring the B-Side to their planned next single, scrapped, we are informed, by the bands major label record company for ominously unexplained reasons.

Despite some of the criticism they’ve received for being seemingly handpicked from obscurity by Ross Robinson, it’s hard not to like Vex Red. Terry Abbot is a great frontman, and although the other members rarely look up from their instruments, the strength of this performance suggests that Vex Red have all the makings of a great rock band. A strong start indeed.

Jon Griffiths

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WASTE OF SPACE Photo:Dave Gibson

SPACE / VANITIES Barfly Cardiff

Space: Tommy looking for inspiration.

JERRY CANTRELL / COMES WITH THE FALL Newport TJ’s COMES WITH The Fall have a lot to live up to having been billed as America’s Next Big Thing. This American trio have the cliched stoner riffs of Kings X and Alice in Chains, shame the vocals aren’t too clear.

Apparently legendary for their live shows in the States they soon have the support of the Newport audience with their tracks taken from the new The Year Is One album. CWTF are not Korn but they will certainly surface in our charts before long. They are releasing a dvd of their live shows soon so be warned if your face was in the crowd.

Jerry Cantrell is fresh off an American tour supporting Creed. He hasn’t headlined a tour for years and the setlist shows it. His album Degradation Trip, has received mixed reviews and the gig got off to a slow start with tracks Psychotic Break and Bargain Basement lulling the fans.

Soon though it becomes clear why this man survived Alice in Chains and has remained a legend. He commanded the stage with his powerful vocals and took the technical difficulties in his stride. As he launched into the AIC track It Ain’t Like That, the audience went wild,even though some of them were clearly not old enough to have remembered the original.

His encore was made up of classic AIC tracks Down In A Hole with the audience singing Layne’s part and Cantrell his own. It was a moving experience. The best new tracks Angel Eyes and She was my Girl were missed but there is a feeling of satisfaction that Cantrell gave his audience everything they wanted and more.

Rachael Howarth

RACHEL STAMP Barfly RACHEL STAMP have been lurking around the underbelly of the British music scene for around ten years.

Today’s gig is somewhat of a home coming as David Prangley, lead singer, is from about ten minutes up the road.

This tour is to debut new material from their new album, entitled Oceans Of Venus.

The songs come at a pace, each one ignited by Prangley’s facial expressions, his rock star posing and the faint air of ridiculousness about the whole spectacle. The front row lap up the heady mixture of glam, rock and sleaziness served up in standout songs like I Wanna Be A Doll and Shake That Black Tambourine. During Crucified, Prangley hangs from pylons on the ceiling, and throws mock crucifixion

THE VANITIES bestride the stage at the Barfly to the backing of the theme to Mary Poppins and dressed in tweed suits that look like relics from the seventies. Following the trend for a resurgence in Eighties retro, The Vanities sound resembles New Order; harmonies and keyboards mixed with the vocal styling of a Thin White Duke era Bowie. The Vanities are very entertaining; the standout tracks being the soaring Believe and the closer Vain Boys (Electro Noise) for which they are joined on stage by an extra singer.

It’s been along time away for Space, who return to Cardiff in the more humble surrounds of the Barfly. They have also shed a member too, Jamie the red haired guitarist has left the group. Space still inhabit a quirky Scouse pop world full of keyboard bleats and psychotic tunes. Tonight they debut mostly new material, like the poppy single Zombies the rabble rousing Death of Punk Rock and the babbling tribute to band suicide Pretty Suicide.

But the crowd want hits but Space frustrate in that department only sprinkling a few singles amongst their set The Female Of The Species and You And Me Against the World.

Its good to have Space back as their lyrics cover serious subjects with a element of black comedy that’s unmatched in most pop music. But musically they have become lightweight, and most of their newer material dull.

Bill Cummings poses, whilst Will the guitarist wields his axe, scissor kicking across the stage.

The cat-like keyboarist doesn’t move from her indignant pose for the entire song.

Rachel Stamp inhabit a world where trashy aesthetics and big riffs rule. They seem to hark after the late 80’s rock scene. The problem is this is 2002 and their attempts to modernize and become a serious Goth/Rock prospect on songs like Black Cherry are just plain funny. Rachel Stamp shouldn’t take themselves too seriously. After all we need more glamour in the music industry, plus they make King Adora look like amateurs at this game.

Bill Cummings

SLOWRIDE Cardiff Flyhalf and Firkin I’VE SEEN some bands in pretty weird places, but seeing an American Emo band play a free gig in the Flyhalf and Firkin must rate as one of the weirdest.

The fact that the “stage” has a fenced barrier all the way around it and that there is a pool table directly in front of it ruins any chance of a bond between the band and the crowd developing. But that doesn’t matter, because Slowride are great.

To say Slowride sound a bit like Jawbreaker is an understatement, but they do it so well and with such passion it doesn’t seem to matter. The songs from their As I Survive The Suicide Bomber debut sound surprisingly beefy live for a three-piece, and drummer Steve Visneau deserves a special mention for beating his drumkit within an inch of its life. The only downside to the gig were technical difficulties, which meant no backing vocals and no encore, but the strength of their main set meant this again didn’t matter and proved that some of the best things in life are free. Owain Cooke

THE MUSIC Bristol Fleece and Firkin THE MUSIC step onto the stage, greeted by a powerful atmosphere and earth-shattering applause.

They open with The Dance, a psychedelic number mixing screaming vocals and blues-rock guitar. Harvey appears guru-like with his characteristic mane of hair, over-sized shirt and manic dancing.

Float is greeted by tremendous roars from the crowd as they launch themselves into a mosh-pit. Harvey’s incredible sound effects and piercing guitar are haunting. With all the talent of The Verve in their early days, The Music are unpretentious with loud guitar, supreme drumming and intense vocals.

Take The Long Road And Walk It is presented mid-set, delivered expertly by

Harvey, whose mission, it seems, is to strip rock back to basis and deliver it in the fashion of the greats. The aptly named guitarist Adam Nutter is in full swing as they launch into another tumultuous Zeppelin-esque number, climaxing in Muse-style dementia.

On CD they may sound 2Dimensional but on stage the raw talent of The Music is evident. This is a breath-taking band that MUST be seen to be believed. Becky Wedlake

THE DIVINE COMEDY/BEN FOLDS Bristol Academy ENTER BEN Folds and his magic piano, now free from the ties that bind him to a rhythm section but by no means sounding less busy and by no means losing the same spark that kept the original five songs pounding. Yes, the same slightly smug, slightly overthe-top virtuoso tomfoolery remains (the pointless tinkering to end Philosophy for example) but now out on his own, the more reflective songs like Annie Walker stand out far better than the hits. But overall, the Ben Folds live experience soars miles away from the restrictions of his records. Folds inspires devotion, and despite a few niggling flaws, the personality of both the man, and the songs, shine through.

It was inevitable that Neil Hannon would someday cross paths with Ben Folds. But tonight, Hannon comes across with a lot less of the charisma and character of his former self. Instead of being a showman like Folds, The Divine Comedy just play a series of simply stunning songs. They neglect the obvious choices for new songs such as Our Mutual Friend or album tracks like Sunrise. Brisk trots through National Express and the out-of-place but welcome return of My Lovely Horse seal off a slightly melancholic headline set, yet slyly carrying an undertone of sheer joy. And when Ben returns for a series of duets as the evening reaches it’s final stretch, it’s plainly obvious that both The Divine Comedy and The Ben Folds Five were just disguises. Tonight, it was the Ben and Neil show: two vastly underrated and effortlessly talented songwriters of our generation.

John Widdop

THE DATSUNS Barfly THE DATSUNS have muscle. They have wild-eyed stares. They have testosterone, swagger, and an inordinate amount of hair. They have a song entitled Lady without a trace of irony. Like every other song in the set tonight, it is underpinned by a motherfuckoff huge guitar riff and sung

by Dolf De Datsun in a ferocious roar

which can only be described as - that word again - testosterone-fuelled. Your correspondent wasn’t alive thirty years ago, but would be prepared to bet all the money he doesn’t have that this is what it felt like.

Back to the testosterone. Its importance tonight cannot be downplayed: the Datsuns peddle the dictionary definition of cock-rock, all masculine thrusting and guitar-aspenis-extension shit. It’s as dumb as Hot In Here, and with much less sex appeal. It’s also toe-tappingly - nay, foot-stompingly - excellent, and the rapturous reception is entirely justified.

The Datsuns: they’ll rawk your world and party like it’s 1972.

Alex Macpherson

VEX RED/BIFFY CLYRO Newport TJ’s SUPPORT FOR Vex Red was provided

by Glasgow’s Biffy Clyro, a three piece who played angular pop-punk of the quiet-loud variety somewhat akin to Hundred Reasons, played by Weezer.

Despite equipment trouble they generated a lot of energy, and it was hard not to warm to the sound of the crowd singing along to the backing vocals of several songs.

With Biffy Clyro having warmed up the crowd, Vex Red took to the stage.

Singer/guitarist Terry Abbot dressed all in black coming across like a camp Casey Chaos, his gracious thanking of the crowd between songs came up just short of a group hug with the front row.

However the crowd really should have been thanking Vex Red who played a uniformly excellent set hampered only by the inability of the acoustics of TJ’s, AKA ‘The Cave’, to handle their sound.

With up to three guitars, bass, drums, vocals and keyboards all playing at once some of the interplay was inevitably lost. The set featured much of the material from their debut album Start With A Strong And Persistent Desire with the band displaying their versatility by repeatedly switching instruments. Two new songs were also played, plus an Abbot solo spot featuring the B-Side to their planned next single, scrapped, we are informed, by the bands major label record company for ominously unexplained reasons.

Despite some of the criticism they’ve received for being seemingly handpicked from obscurity by Ross Robinson, it’s hard not to like Vex Red. Terry Abbot is a great frontman, and although the other members rarely look up from their instruments, the strength of this performance suggests that Vex Red have all the makings of a great rock band. A strong start indeed.

Jon Griffiths

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HEART OF GOLD

Martin Grech: Singing till he’s red in the face

Photo:Rob Jackson

MARTIN GRECH / MEW Cardiff Barfly

KRAFTY KUTS Descent@ Seren Las THIS NIGHT had all the trappings of something very special. The Union’s newest and most original night launched in style with breaks maestro Krafty Kuts playing a three hour set covering everything from party hip-hop through to drum’n’bass.The man is a true professional, seamlessly building up the tempo all night adding his own cuts and scratches along the way. The lucky partygoers formed an energetic dancefloor spurred on by the occasional bout of breakdancing. Just to prove that this wasn’t a one off, Descent was back a week later… Chico Fresco

PLASTIC RAYGUN PRESENTS:DYNAMO DRESDEN/ VANDAL/ PHANTOM BEATS/ JEAN JACQUES SMOOTHIE Descent@Seren Las THEY MAY sound like a second division German football team, but Dynamo Dresden are in the premiership where music’s concerned. Think Zero 7, think Air, think Royksopp… and definitely think big. The latest addition to the fastgrowing Plastic Raygun empire have got major labels fighting for their signature as they head for the big-time.

The Union’s freshest weekly venture once again provided an assortment of the finest breaks music.

Revellers at Descent may in the future reminisce on the time they saw Dynamo Dresden in Seren Las - the trio oozed the sort of class that will see them move to a grander stage and perhaps follow Jean

Jacques Smoothie all the way into the charts.

Despite his appearance on every house compilation with his last tune, 2 People, Jean Jacques can still pack a punch playing the breakbeats. DJ sets from Phantom Beats and Vandal and the Francophile himself added to the live performance from Dynamo Dresden to make this an all-round, top quality evening’s entertainment. Descent is the new saviour of Wednesday nights!

Chico Fresco

MARAH Barfly MARAH ENTER the stage to thunderous applause and the theme from Rocky.

With a perfunctory “hello” they launch into the formidable History. The vocals are rasping and guitar mesmerising.

I barely have time to catch my breath before my pulsating ear-drums are bathed with In The City. The poignant Round-eye Blues makes a welcome appearance (bongos and all) and is delivered perfectly. There is a refreshing conviction to the band who are stripped of pretension with their back-to-basics rock philosophy.

The audience obey every command of Marah (“How low can you go? Everybody down on their knees!”) and positively explode when they move their equipment onto the dance floor itself. The guitars of Serge and Dave become swords and the two battle each other up and down the venue without a single note misplaced.

Marah exit to Out In Style and shortly return to the stage with Reservation for the demanded encore.

Carried away with the emotion of the

crowd, Serge dives towards drummer Mike, who falls backwards through the stage door and lands on the concrete 5 feet below. This signals the end of a magnificent gig. Becky Wedlake

PITCHSHIFTER/KENNEDY SOUNDTRACK/ THISGIRL Swansea Patti Pavilion THISGIRL IMMEDIATELY worked the crowd into frenzy with an explosive mass of raw sounds, and Pink Floyd t-shirts.

As the set progressed they followed a predictable form of loud, quiet, loud, quiet - a great start to the night if you like Hundred Reasons with a bit more balls, and displayed huge potential.

The Kennedy Soundtrack disappointed. They were fronted by a half man-half chicken which the younger crowd members seemed to like, but hey these kids probably bought Hearsay. All in all riff stealing bland rap-metal shite. It begs the question when are we going to hear a Welsh rapper who doesn’t think their straight outta Compton?

By the time Pitchshifter arrive on stage, the crowd were obviously up for it, and by second song, Microwaved they had become a seething mass of moshing and flailing legs and arms. The jagged industrial riffs over drum and bass like rhythms translated well live, but what makes Pitchshifter so popular is the hyperactive perma-sneering display by frontman J.S Clayden. Leaping all over the stage as the rest of the band, at most, nod their heads. Small gripe, as the gig went on there was little distinguishing songs causing it to get a little tiring towards the end. Still, for a great night

out with black nail polish and glow sticks look no further.

Rhys Evans and Karl Sinclair

MORCHEEBA Great Hall MORCHEEBA ARE one of those bands that closely resemble an Ikea coffee table. Comfortable, functional and part of your living room, you might not think that their live experience would offer much that you wouldn’t rather hear with your feet up and a nice cup of tea. However, you’d be entirely wrong.

Their melodic, rather gentle sound was combined with moments of scorching guitars, and enthusiastic performances by all six members of the band. Excellent, sweeping blue lighting completed the effect, making the Great Hall feel a little like a warm goldfish bowl of noise.

The set was a good balance of old and new songs, climaxing with the ever popular Rome Wasn’t Built In A Day, which brought the crowd fervently together. Lead singer Skye tottered impressively around the stage in the kind of shoes I wouldn’t even like to think I could stand in. The highlight for me, however, was an unexpected cover of Dolly Parton’s well known country song Jolene, which delighted and amused us all.

Overall, whilst Morcheeba are rarely anyone’s favourite band, owing to their very fashionable, background music style, we should all consider them highly commended, and a live experience well worth catching.

Abbi Shaw

Music

QUIETLY MAGNIFICENT

BRISTOL ST. Georges is a very strange venue for a rock gig. The closest comaprison is the Union Chapel in London, though a school assembly with its regiments of chairs and low level stage would be another good description. As a venue, it’s more used to the classical sounds of Mozart and Handel than the acoustic rock of Turin Brakes, touring briefly as a three piece to showcase their new album.

I’m sure I’m not the only person that was expecting Fionn Regan to be an Irish female singer/songwriter.

So it’s a surprise when it turns out that HE is a shaggy haired Irish lad with a superb voice and a talent for writing songs that melt your heart. Whilst Nick Drake / Jeff Buckley comparisons are easy to make this young songwriter has talent to spare and songs like Black Water Child and set closer Noah (Ghost In A Sheet) are fragile enough to bring me close to tears. Unsurprisingly his debut single is selling like hotcakes in the half time interval.

Turin Brakes on the other hand are just as we expect – absolutely superb. Having grown tremendously in confidence over the last 6 months, Olly and Gale, with keyboardist Dave Palmer, treat us to a mixture of new material and old classics like The Door and Mind Over Money. Whilst the new album sees the duo take their sound to new epic heights, in the close acoustic settings of St. Georges tracks like Rain City and Last Clown have a tender intimacy that suits them. Best of the new songs tonight is latest single Long Distance, which rises and soars over the crowd. After a mild technical hitch, the trio finish with a blazing rendition of Emergency 72 which ends in a standing ovation. Not only have Turin Brakes come back with a superb new album, they’re delivering the goods on stage as well; even if they should be used to grander Turin Brakes: I hope those aren’t toilets... surroundings by now. Andy Parsons

live

TURIN BRAKES / FIONN REGAN Bristol St. Georges

THIS SUMMER’S been a good one for Martin Grech, a critically acclaimed debut album as well as invading the nations psyche with the haunting title track, Open Heart Zoo used to great effect in the Lexus Cars commercial campaign. Tonight’s stop at Cardiff Barfly comes a third of the way through his first headline tour of the UK, a chance to prove that he is a consummate performer as well as being able to write great music.

Support tonight is from Mew, an average outfit, who perform they’re indie rock with confidence and tightness. Mew sparkle at times, and while enjoyable, fail to convince that they have a stellar career ahead of them.

In contrast, Martin Grech and his band are a presence on stage. For three quarters of an hour, Grech is inhabited by his music, grinding riffs, soaring vocals and beautiful moments of tranquility all sit beautifully next each other. It’s unsurprising that the song to get the biggest applause is the Lexus song, Open Heart Zoo, as Grech is given an opportunity to show off his Buckley-esque vocal range (even though he is apparently suffering throat problems, it doesn’t show.) Show closer Dali highlights the difference between live performance and recording, sounding much closer to the powerful riff-laden sound of Rage Against The Machine than the more industrial of Nine Inch Nails vibe caught on record.

Coming off stage, Grech has the audacity to say sorry to the audience, apparently a lot of things went wrong and his voice is playing up. Such honesty in a performer is admirable, but tonight Martin Grech has proved that he all the potential the critics had promised. A mature and enthralling performance from a 19 year old who surely has a fantastic career ahead of him. Rob Jackson

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PICK OF Album of the Fortnight THE REST JJ72 I To Sky Lakota

ROOTS MANUVA Badmeaninggood 02 Ultimate Dilemma THE LATEST album in the BadMeaningGood series is Roots Manuva’s eclectic selection of “what constitutes Hip Hop in the 21st century”.

Beyond a mutual penchant for smoking weed, you wouldn’t think there were many links between Rodney Smith, better known as Roots Manuva, and the Beatles.

However, his own re-mix of Yellow Submarine has to be the pinnacle of this inventive compilation.

The tracks range from those with classic Hip Hop credentials; NWA, OutKast and Ol’ Dirty Bastard, to the surreal and sublime. Old favourites, such as ska-tinged 80’s tune Mirror In The Bathroom and Soul II Soul’s Keep On Movin’, are juxtaposed with innovative debuts from the likes of Fallacy and Fusion.

Move over Starsky, as Willie Hutch injects a touch of slick 70’s funk, and if you’re seeking an influx of seratonin, look no further than Priceless: four-letter words never sounded so sunny.

The final track, Reachout’s instrumental Stimulation of Chaos, feels like a muchneeded wind-down after a most exhilarating work-out on the ears.

An album of delicious diversity to broaden your Hip Hop horizons.

Amy Lindsay

D

UBLIN’S FELICITOUS trio are back following the sweet success of their eponymous album in 2000. It appears that gone are the days of angsty JJ72 and what has replaced it, is an uplifting and serene offering. Frontman Mark Greaney’s vocals still mantain that soul caressing falsetto, but louder and more potent in his deliverance than on JJ72 (See new tracks Serpent Sky and Glimmer). This was mainly helped along by the bands use of producer Flood and mixer Alan Moulder (Smashing Pumpkins, Depeche Mode),who have given JJ72 a

distinct soothing edge on their new album. Particularly seen on opening track Nameless, the lullabying Brother Sleep “I’m going to see you through this my love”, and recent single Formulae. Also despite the over-arching religious imagery, we are assured by the band that it is more to do with pondering over life’s big questions than religion itself.

Hopefully I To Sky will give JJ72 the wide-scale recognition they deserve, and this wellproduced and shimmeringly beautiful album will touch the souls of many.

Gemma Jones

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THE SKY’S THE LIMIT

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THE DATSUNS The Datsuns V2 THEIR JEANS are tighter than your jeans, they can scream louder than you can scream and their hair is longer than your hair, sing it. They’re also Kiwis, and while you scoffed then slammed your bedroom door when your Dad offered to “show you some real rock ‘n roll music son/daughter” (delete as appropriate) they gazed loyally into their spermfather’s eyes and took up the kind offer.

Now old enough to hold guitars, The Datsuns (and yes, Dolf, Christian, Matt and Phil do share a surname, eat that Julian Stroke) raucously batter their amps and your ears with AC/DC no-holds barred filthy riffage with the rather more occasional Axl Rose banshee screech. And you really should love them for it. Now phone your father and apologise.

Jamie Fullerton

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JJ72: Back In Black

Roots Manuva: Rodney - not a plonker.

THE GLORIA RECORD Start Here ARRCO THE GLORIA Record’s debut LP is one which is short on tune, but big - very big - on soul. And also swirly psychedelia, and lots of layered sound. Recalling The Flaming Lips at their most contemplative, or Doves in their pre-melody incubation, Start Here is an undeniably fine work, possessing at times a breathtakingly immense emotional power: during the extended crescendo which concludes I Was Born In Omaha, or the delicate chorales of Ambulance, the sheer sonic beauty is overwhelming.

There’s a tendency to wander, and singer Chris Simpson doesn’t yet have the charismatic pull of a Jonathan Donahue or a Jimi Goodwin, but even in the most unfocused moments the strength of the arrangements shines through. Very promising indeed. Alex Macpherson

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LEAVES Breathe B Unique AHA, THE latest offering of the Icelandic pop scene, a quintet of earnest mini-Chris Martin's from Reykjavik who, according to

rumour and hearsay, all play in the same football team.

But thankfully, this is no We’re On The Ball or Come On United. Leaves instead offer us smooth, velveteen, slightly camp vocals and swirling, undulating guitar lines that wouldn’t be out of place on a Bernard Butler solo album. It’s all rather fetchingly backed by great swells of strings and the odd plinking piano. Remember when Paul Draper & co. made your noses bleed, my little indiekids?

The Mansun reminisce is even more appropriate, since Leaves too suffer from the same blight of excessive mediocrity that sunk the careers of Chester’s finest. At their best moments (Breathe, Crazy, Suppose) Leaves manage to raise themselves to a fairly accurate Suede pastiche, with meritable touches of shimmery dark pop. At their worst they produce material that Noel “Quality Control” Gallagher would have rejected from Standing On The Shoulder.

Occasional sparks of bleak, edgy, triphoppy brilliance are unfortunately smothered by frequent avalanches of ohso-tuneful pop sugar, which is a definite shame because this album creates the impression it could be really good if only Leaves would take a few risks.

A case in point is We, the closing track. At first it’s an eerie, unsettling wail, backed with Radiohead-esque computer widdlings, but Leaves just can’t resist trowelling on the guitars. Its back broken, the track peters out in a standard indie plod. Then, after a few seconds of silence the album closes with a wonderful, distorted, lazily twirling outro that’s just slightly rockward of fellowcountrymen (and minor musical demigods) Sigur Ros. Aargh, how frustrating.

Overall then, Breathe gets a ‘must try harder’. Not a bad album by any usual yardstick, but its main problem is that you can find this sort of indie stuck down the back of any major band’s sofa.

Mark Cobley

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GROOVERIDER Fabric Live 06 Fabric AS THE term is yet young and nobody has any work to do, post-club house parties continue to feature hopeful deejays drunkenly trying to mix their favourite records. Meanwhile, Grooverider tours the country peddling the fruits of his bulging record box. For those of us frequenting the formerly described events this 18 track mix

has been released to inform us of that which we’re missing.

With the likes of Ed Rush, Peshay and Krust making due appearances, The ‘Rider’ blends his way from mechanical, driving, drum and bass touching on hectic ragga, to more chilled breaks. It’s abundantly clear that this is a recording fresh from the dancefloor as the mood rises and falls with fantastic appropriateness. Ever far from monotony, this makes for a fine example of refreshingly competent deck-work. The tempo rises and falls with clever employment of breaks amongst the relenting drums and ever-rolling bass.

Lovely. Andrew Davidson

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LUPINE HOWL The Bar at the End of the World Vinyl Hiss OH LAMENT fans of revolution and diversity. The new release from Lupine Howl isn’t exactly on par with the dirge de excellence of Spiritulised. Its more kind of de-spiritulised. The life seems to have drained out of this sorry disc at some point before it got out of the pressing factory.

Quite frankly its a load of indie rock poo.

Avoid at all costs, unless you like your music devoid of any life, like, for example, the planet Mars.

Sam Brokenshaw

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THE LIBERTINES Up The Bracket Rough Trade THE LIBERTINES have proved the musical world right. After countless Next Big Thing tags being thrust in their direction, they have done themselves proud with an album that goes someway towards justifying all of the intense interest.

Rather than being one-dimensional and bland, the tracks are fuelled by a catchy, snarling and ranting splendour, that edges mercilessly into the mind. Though easy to criticise as a typical ‘garage-punk’ sound, there is an underlying humour that suggests that they know the current trend towards this kind of thing may not last all that long.

Base and loose both lyrically and musically, The Libertines are taking their chance, big up them.

Lucy Jones

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11

GRiP

Superdrag: They love those tea cosies...

THE MUSIC The Music Hut

SUPERDRAG Last Call For Vitriol ARRCO

THIS DARK, eponymous offering marks the much-anticipated debut of The Music. The screaming vocals and blues-rock guitar of The Dance is rivalled only by the manic energy created in Float. The chaotic yet beautifully lysergic Take The Long Road... contrasts Human with the chilled-out elegance previously associated with The Swans and Mercury Rev. Sounding curiously like a grown-up mixture of Kula Shaker and The Verve, the lyrics are limited and somewhat embryonic. This does not appear to matter however, as the tumultuous guitar and freak-out anthemics ensure there is plenty of substance to this majestic work, proving the psychedelic guitar is once again cool.

Becky Wedlake

HAVING A sticker screaming “If you don’t like Superdrag, then you don’t like rock n’ roll” probably isn’t such a good idea in this day and age, especially as that classification is now reserved for the soul purpose of fuelling Craig Nichol’s fuckwitted and egotistical fire.

“If you don’t like Superdrag, then you don’t like melodic yet average west coast indie pop that sounds dangerously similar to Guided by Voices only not as good” would undoubtedly make a more honest and thought out advertisement, but lets not dwell on this, especially as the rest of the art work is brilliantly orientated around looking like a twee box of matches.

Dwelling somewhere between the post-grunge era of Dinosaur Jr and the frazzled lunacy of Sebadoh for the best part of a decade and now on their

SWIMFAN Official Soundtrack Universal records

of Main Ingredient’s Euphrates, which cajoles and coaxes its way into taking up permanent residence in your head.

And to top it all off, there’s a Nick Walker short story - disturbing, edgy and taut - read by none other than Sir Patrick Moore. You couldn’t want anything more. Alex Macpherson

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GUSGUS Attention Underwater THERE MUST be something about cold climates that appears so excluded and isolated from the rest of the developed world. Iceland, principally, has famously served us the unique and oblique styles of Bjork and the fractured, almost entirely self contained dreamworld of Sigur-Ros. Now on their third album, and five years since coffee table enthusiasts drooled over their trip hop debut Polydistortion; in gusgus, Iceland present’s a dark, stark representation of the high-camp thrills of Fischerspooner.

True story.

Now signed to Darren Emerson’s new Underwater label, and toned down in

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THE ANOTHER Late Night series has, thus far, provided us with everything from sumptuously textured soul (Fila Brazilia) to tiresome chill-out muzak (Groove Armada). Sometime Mo’Wax affiliate Tommy Guerrero’s set is possibly the best yet: it soothes, but in a funked-up, ass-shaking way. Without exception, each selection is an inspired choice, from the madcap opening number courtesy of the US Navy Port Authority Soul Band through to Guerrero’s own cover of Come Together which ends the night.

Everything in between is a highlight, but particularly worthy of mention are the great Bill Withers’ delectably smooth I’m Her Daddy, Can’s strutting, stuttering Vitamin C and the looped riff

Tommy Guerrero: Sadly no relation to WWE’s Eddie.

DAVID HOLMES PRESENTS THE FREE ASSOCIATION The Free Association 13 Amp AFTER THE excellence that was David Holmes’ mix album Come Get It I Got It, he now presents us with a full album of Free Association material, expanding on the “mini-tracks” on the mix album with several brand new compostiions.

David and fellow associate Steve Hilton have expanded his studio operation with the vocals of Sean Reveron and Petra Jean Phillipson spicing up most of the tracks.

When the vocals work, like on Le Baggage (all cLOUDEAD atmospherics and spaced out vocals) this album soars and leaps, at other times it just members from a somewhat cluttered nine to a more relaxed and focussed three.

Attention drifts through several plains of drifting electronica, yet largely maintaining the centrifugal vocals of pretty voiced Earth (think Miss Kittin minus the filth, or that-woman-fromMorcheeba minus the Morcheeba).

But this is a distant cry from the glitz and glamour of the “looks good sounds good feels good too” metropolis’ of the Berlin or New York electronic scenes.

On tracks such as Your Moves are Mine and the utter exquisite Don’t Hide What You Feel, a much darker portrait is painted, showering the vocals with desolation and sparse beats, rather than glitter and sleaze. True, they don’t have the humour and sheer danceability of the modern (trendytechno-by-numbers David aside) but where this lacks, originality and breathtaking beauty shine through. And who knows, Dance You Down could end up as the Emerge of the disaffected generation. John Widdop

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ECHOLINE Music Is Stupid Seriosuly Groovy ECHOLINE ARE a six-piece from London, but more brains do not seem to have produced any more ideas.

They’ve decided to drag the second hand, faded, pallid sweater of emo.

Years of wear and the sweater has lost its shape, it’s gone soft. Just like softrock is the unbearable bastard of Rock, then being soft Emo won’t actually do you much favours. There are no real emotions here, all I hear is whining and a fake American accent. He’s not a great singer, his voice sounds like Steve Malkmus and the guy from Hundred Reasons put together, only weaker and less expressionate.

Musically they’re not as angular as Pavement and less rockier than Hundred Reasons but match Saves the Day and Superchunk in the whine stakes. They do use other instruments but the guitar seems to be well and truly king. On Ounces And Ounces Of Solid Goodness they copy the same loud bursts of jagged fuzzed guitars of ATDI. On Buddy Bradley, they transcend

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MATTHEW Everybody Down Rykodisk MATTHEW ARE an American indie band who seem interested in recreating the British sound of bands like Radiohead and the Doves. The opening track Everybody Down sets the tone for the entire album with its yearning lyrics, melodic guitars and haunting harmonies. Other standout tracks include Breathing, Never and In your car.

During Never singer Mc Sweeney delivers an impassioned falsetto vocal telling a lover that he never wanted anybody else. A good debut offering but Matthew must develop their own style in order to stand out. Bill Cummings

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themselves to sounding like Shellac, punctuated with Siouxsie style screaming.

They are right –music is stupid, if they’ve made it. Maybe I’m being a bit hard but there really isn’t much memorable about this album, it’s not bad but then it’s not good. Pauline Cheung

✩✩

NOONDAY UNDERGROUND Surface Noise Setanta ANYONE COULD be forgiven for taking a slightly wary and suspicious approach to the mystery of the modern world that is the critical and commercial acclaim of the New Paul Weller album, given it’s inability to be any sort of departure from the last few. However, here is the unlikely solution to the riddle.

Simon Dine, AKA the Noonday Underground, produced several large slabs Illumination, turning fatherfriendly mop-rock into a polished winebar-approved sound. The godfather of uncool repays the favour on this, Noonday’s second collection of modern takes on jazz and soul avec breakbeat.

The two co-written Weller tracks: I’ll Walk Right In and Thunder Park are easily the most original and interesting songs he’s done since The Jam hung up their suits in the early eighties Surface Noise paints images of dusky streets and dimly lit music clubs, largely due to the four main vocalists all of whom could probably talk someone to orgasm given the chance, and the way they interweave the subtle breaks and the almost too cool for their own good soundscapes. There are undeniable flicks of David Holmes about the Noonday Underground, particularly Holme’s third opus, Bow Down to the Exit Sign, but whereas that took a more international and faceless approach, Surface Noise is more identifiable, digestible and carries a more close-tohome feel. And when the blistered distorted samples on Nobody but You breathe into the soft ballad of Windmills you know you’ve got something good in hand. And sufficiently Illuminating.

John Widdop

✩✩✩✩

Music

TOMMY GUERRERO Another Late Night Azuli

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feels a bit average - Free Ass O-C-8 being prime contender for the dustbin labelled ‘filler’.

Highlight of the album is the sublime Everybody Knows which blatantly rips off Johnny Jones and the King Casuals funk version of Purple Haze (included on the mix album) but whips it into a frenzied funk feast. A swaggering pimp daddy of a track which raises the bar for Holmes’ production work.

Overall, The Free Association is a good listen, but too often the songs forget about the fire and soul of the records which David and Steve are trying to recreate. Andy Parsons

albums

THE FIRST track Everything by The Pacifier is typical Amercian high school rawk (think Dawson’s Creek). It’s catchy and upbeat not unlike Nickelback. The next few tracks are very similar and it begins to become difficult to distinguish which band is singing what. The inclusion of well known Sevendust song Black surprised me. The bass is heavy and Lajon’s vocals are so far removed from the initial song. Flaw follow this with Whole and it sounds like Disturbed, with manic drumming and distorted guitars.

The centre of this album is much more menacing, reflecting the nature of the film. It is ironic that Disturbed don’t actually feature, as their music was used in the original trailers.

The album finishes with some predictable-happy ending-cheese, The Llama’s Too Much Too Soon being American country-twee and trailer favourite Ash with Jesus Says. This album is highly eclectic and good for checking out underground music from across the pond. Doesn’t make me want to drown anyone.

Rachael Howarth

fourth album of simplistic yet likeable alt rock, Superdrag have evidently found their niche, and have such made little or no attempt to change their formula, aside from adding a new songwriter to the fray. The Guided By Voices comparisons scream like banshees from every song: from the quirky Stu through to first (and best) track, Baby Goes To 11 (not-unpredictably featuring the vocal harmonies of GBV’s Rob Pollard) but without the prolific nature and unadulterated quirkiness that make their counterparts so much more intriguing, Superdrag may end up dwelling at the halfway stage for all their lives. John Widdop

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To celebrate the release of Marc Evans’ new British horror My Little Eye, Film caught up with the Cardiff born director to chat about his new pet project.

The horror genre has a very famous history and has been approached in many different ways. Did you study what other directors had done with their horror films when you were planning My Little Eye?

Marc Evans was born and raised in Cardiff and has displayed great interest in Welsh culture. His first feature House 0f America (1997) about a dysfunctional Welsh family won him international acclaim at the Sundance and Stockholm film festivals. The violent and controversial Resurrection Man followed the next year, dealing with hostile relations in Ireland, but then Evans turned his attention once more to South Wales in Beautiful Mistake (2000) which featured Welsh bands such as the Manics, Super Furry Animals and Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci.

out thinking about all the horror films that have ever been made, you sort of end up subliminally putting things in the film that come from other movies.

of ‘pretending’ to be a reality website, and it looks like an episode of Big Brother. Did you find using digital cameras to produce this effect easier than usual?

At the same time you had the highly original technique

I thought the use of digital It was easier and more difficult cameras enhanced the in different ways. It was easy sense of realism which is because we had more camwhere the true horror of the eras and we didn’t have the picture really originated. rigmarole of needing equipWhat else did you do to ment such as big cameras, make the action more lights, camera tracks and so realistic? on. We literally used cameras What else did you do to you could buy in your local Well we decided that every prepare the actors for such shop so that made it a quite shot would be motivated by a dramatic performances? liberating and interesting way camera that is actually in the of shooting. Having said that, when you’ve got all that extra material generated by different cameras, you haven’t got the usual tools when you come to edit it. It’s quite a difficult job because for a start it’s supposed to be reality TV so you are not anticipating the action, you’re following it, which is a strange way to make a horror film.

Evans demanded an Evil Dead style horror house Secondly you couldn’t use

There were a few references in the film. The most blatant is the reference to The Breakfast Club. It’s not really a horror reference as it’s a film about dysfunctional teenagers, but it kind of indicates that the kids in the house are lost kids, kids without parents, kids without society. Then of course there’s the house, we wanted to make a crack at making a film about a ‘horror house’ that’s traditionally been used in so many films like Evil Dead.

I noticed a few references to The Shining as well.

Of course all the snow. . . even if its not a direct influence you can’t make a horror film with-

MY LITTLE EYE

RELEASED: OUT NOW CERTIFICATE: 18 RUNNING TIME: 96 mins

Dir.: Marc Evans Scr.: David Hilton & James Watkins

Five youngsters take part in an internet based reality gameshow. The challenge: to spend six months in an isolated house under constant scrutiny without leaving. The prize: $1 million. But with only a week to go strange things start to happen. . .

I

spy with My Little Eye. . . something beginning with ‘H’. . . ‘Horror’, and in its purest form: bloody, grisly and pant shittingly terrifying.

Marc Evans’ new chiller, My Little Eye, takes on contemporary themes of internet obsession and mass voyeurism, as its five twentysomethings stick out six months in a scary house in the middle of a frozen Canadian countryside, without any contact with the outside world, with their every move watched by an invisible audience.

Like any episode of Big Brother we follow the action through surveillance cameras,

a normal score which is why we invented this kind of really weird electronic soundtrack so it was easy and difficult in different ways.

Rex (Kris Lemche) eyes up a bit of muff

voyeuristically watching the characters’ every move through CCTV and through cameras in obscure places as pens, torch-

es and shower heads.

Evans’ introduces each of the characters effectively without wasting any time, and

We didn’t audition them in the usual fashion. They didn’t read a page of dialogue as they usually would. We gave them some character notes and they came to the auditions in character and pretended to be actually auditioning for the reality website itself. We asked them questions like "why do you want to live in a house with strangers in the public eye for six months?" And "what would you do with a million dollars if you were to win?” As we did in the film, we auditioned them with more than one camera so they could not play up to one.

I was hiding in another room watching the action through monitors, seeing how it looked.

The crew tried to keep out of

Were you working against the American technique of making a horror?

What were you doing while all this was going on?

it’s not long before things start to go wrong.

Evans builds the tension slowly and gradually and what begins as creeping unease and claustrophobia turns in to full blown panic, paranoia and terror, for both the characters in the film and the audience.

My Little Eye is, however, not as wholly original as it first appears.

The DIY camerawork is reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project, reality TV has been similarly attacked in Series 7: The Contenders, and the green nightvision scenes will probably remind the audience of The Silence of the Lambs.

Do you think My Little Eye can spearhead a horror revival like the Blair Witch did in America?

If it does that then I’ll be extremely proud and happy.

It’s so hard to predict how films are going to do. It’s the hardest thing to convince the general public to go and see a Friday night chiller. It takes a bit more adventure in the audience to ignore the posters of a big Hollywood film with Tom Hanks in and see something more challenging.

You had cameras in pens and showers as well!

That was fun. If we’d had more time we might have put them in more obscure places. We made the cameras up ourselves and the actors loved it, with the torches and the pens they actually worked the cameras themselves. They had never done anything like it before.

and avoid the cheese.

But recently the low budget British horror Dog Soldiers fared well at the box office. the way during filming making it a quite different moviemaking experience.

What about your target audience? The film starts in an American style and then ends in a more British manner?

That’s exactly spot on. It’s like an American film made in a British way.

However, all of the performances are solid and maintain the films air of realism.

The five fledgling actors paint excellent portrayals of white, middle-class and arrogantly money-grabbing teenagers,

We didn’t want to make a film that let the audience off the hook and a lot of American films seem to do that. All these post ironic films like Scream and things that say ‘let’s have a laugh, the audience is in on the joke and we’re all far too sophisticated for this’. I mean in America The Blair Witch Project changed all that, and we wanted to do a similar thing here in Britain and try

much like your average Big Brother contender.

Evans’ ‘silent’ direction is extremely effective, and as the film progresses you become more convinced that what you are watching is real, meaning your empathy for the characters plight becomes all that bit stronger and the horror much more intense.

As the flailing British film industry took another nose dive with the recent closure of Film Four we can only hope that the British My Little Eye doesn’t get eaten up for breakfast by a certain Dr. Lector.

Neil Blain

It did. The success of things like Dog Soldiers owes a lot to The Blair Witch phenonomen which convinced the public that sometimes something slightly alternative is still very interesting. I really hope that the same thing happens with My Little Eye. Interview by Neil Blain

FINAL WORD A great alternative to the recent slew of brainless Hollywood ‘Horrors’, My Little Eye is shockingly realistic, a biting social satire, and the best chiller since The Blair Witch Project. Exercise those buttcheeks if you want to stay on the edge of your seat.

✩✩✩✩

Film

CAST Charlie: Jennifer Sky Danny: Stephen O’Reilly Emma: Laura Regan Matt: Sean Johnson Rex: Kris Lemche Travis: Bradley Cooper The Cop: Nick Mennel

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Marc Evans on the set of Resurrection Man (1998)

film. That hopefully made the audience feel that they were genuinely watching reality TV and we also used real location and no special effects. We used unknown actors that the audience would not recognise and also didn’t tell the actors which camera would be filming them so they did not play up to any of the cameras. And of course using digital gave it a more surveillance effect. It’s no different to watching reality TV. Also we tried to not rehearse too much and let the actors improvise when they could.

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ilm feature

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This is Just a Tribute Each new student year brings a fresh batch of budding film critics, and to let you know what impeccable tastes we have here at gair rhydd we present a tribute to the greatest and best films in the world.

Raging Bull While most believe Rocky to be the best boxing film ever made, it’s obvious to those that have seen it, that Raging Bull, with Robert De Niro as middleweight champion Jake La Motta, is far superior.

Director Martin Scorsese films in monochrome to show the fight scenes in visceral, unflinching detail but Raging Bull is also a human tragedy story, with the violent, selfish and misogynistic La Motta reduced to an overweight shadow of himself reciting anecdotes and crap jokes in rancid night-clubs.

Painful but worthwhile viewing, De Niro’s Oscar winning portrayal is frightening, bitter and jaded.

Chris Hopper

When Harry Met Sally Although it is not always blindingly obvious why someone as gorgeous as Meg Ryan would fall for a balding monkey man like Billy Crystal, this film stands out as a classic romance.

The tale of two friends becoming lovers is played sincerely and intelligently against an elegant New York backdrop. As well as featuring a swingtasticly smooth soundtrack, we get to mark the passing of time through the comedy stylings of Ryan's hair.

Crystal gives one of his finest film performances, utilising his characteristic razor sharp sarcasm to the full. If you don't cry at the end, well, shame on you.

Caroline Hogg

Fight Club Based on a book by the controversial novelist Chuck Palahniuk, this feast of machismo is a modern masterpiece in film-making that many shallow girls just won’t get. Most will deride it as immature male fisticuffs and ever so slightly gay (not all of this is true), but a second viewing will reveal a film that flips your perspectives upside down and twists your brain.

Tyler Durden (Pitt) is one of the most powerful antiheroes to appear on screen in recent years. The leader of an underground fight club and terrorist organisation, Durden inspires dedication and obedience among his shaven headed followers.

Perhaps the best performance of the film is not the major superstar, but his more subtle co-star, Ed Norton. Playing Jack, an insomniac, office loner and Ikea gimp, obsessed to perfect his modern professional living space, he is transformed by Durden and led into an unconscious rebellion against all that he thought he valued. Richard George

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Decent comedy Westerns are hard to come by (remember Lightning Jack?

Thought not) but BCATSK does everything right. William Goldman’s script is as sharp shooting as the Sundance Kid himself, firing holes into every generic convention and leaving them for dead.

Whether they’re desperately trying to lose their pursuers ("Who are those guys?!") or bickering about where to emigrate to ("Next time I say let’s go some place like Bolivia, let’s go some place like Bolivia!") the chemistry between Newman and Redford as the titular duo is a joy to behold. I defy anyone to watch it without a grin on their face from start to finish. Leigh Debbage

The Virgin Suicides Before you’ve even seen this film you know it’s going to be beautiful: the gorgeous combo of Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett; a melodic soundtrack from French maestro’s Air; five blonde virgins reclining on a bed.

When you submit to its heady power the film is as beautiful, dreamlike, haunting and funny as you fantasised, but there is a more sinister angle as the title suggests. Premature death, dark adolescent sexuality and the religious fanaticism of the Lisbon girls’ parents (Kathleen Turner and James Woods) creep up on you like a bra draped on a crucifix, out of place and suddenly shocking.

Adapted from a novel by Jeffrey Eugenides, the directorial debut of Francis’ daughter Sofia Ford Coppola is an underrated cult picture that is well worth letting yourself sink into. Melanie Harrison.

Shrek Dreamwork pictures exceeded all expectations in this computer-animated comedy, that captivates not only the younger audience, but unsuspecting parents also. With an all star cast of Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, John Lithgow and Cameron Diaz, Shrek has all of the ingredients to produce entertainment for every taste.

Unlike most fairytales, it transforms stereotypical images of the helpless princess, evil ogre and dashing prince, to create an unconventional and refreshing script. The humour provided runs on different levels not simply directed at children, but able to raise a smile from all ages. Jessica Webb

Almost Famous Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. In 1973, this is what an adolescent Cameron Crowe spent his days writing about on the road with the likes of Led Zeppelin and the Allman Brothers. Twenty-seven years later, he made Almost Famous, a tribute to the times he'd had.

Glowing in the warm light of his memories the film is a lustrous triumph, dripping with sentiment without getting silly. An Oscar-winning script, mesmerising soundtrack and stellar performances from Billy Crudup, Kate Hudson, Frances McDormand, Philip Seymour Hoffman and more join to create a rare feat: the union of style and substance. Must-see cinema.

Ian Taylor

Amelie This is a terrific movie. It’s about a young pretty French girl making her way through life trying to find love. It has a certain charm to it, lovely dialogue and it’s ended beautifully. It’s easy to watch and the subtitles are no bother at all. It comments on life with its philosophical musings, drama and humour. It’s a happy ending leaving you with a sense of optimism and keeps you pondering on the nuances of life.

Everyone should try to see it. Ed Williams

Coyote Ugly Do you want to see a film with a storyline and plot?

Well acted with real people in it? Then go and see a Mike Leigh film. However, if you want to see a film with attractive women running around in various stages of undress then Coyote Ugly is the film for you!

The plot (what there is of it) has an attractive woman moving to New York to try and crack the songwriting profession. Unable to, she gets a job in a bar with other attractive women and fights adversity and other bad things until she finally becomes a songwriter. (Oh and there is a love interest in there too).My favourite film of all time. Brilliant!

Richard Grygiel

Legally blonde You know the story – stereotypical blonde Reese Witherspoon plays Elle Woods, a sorority president and fashion student, trying to impress her ex who thinks she’s not marriage material – because of her hair colour. She enrols in Harvard Law School, where she quickly becomes the class joke - but of course blonde reigns supreme when Elle manages to win a law suit because she knows about hair.

Reese Witherspoon is excellent and it’s a fantastic chick flick - but being blonde myself, I don’t think the film really dispels any of those ‘myths’ about blondes – although we do have more fun! Kate Shaw

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Your death is his business!

HITMAN 2: SILENT ASSASSIN [PS2, X-BOX, PC-CDROM] EIDOS INTERACTIVE IT’S A lonely existance as a hired assassin. The pay is great but the hours are unsociable and you have no colleagues. It’s much better to just play one in a game.

Hitman 2 is the sequel to the year 2000’s BAFTA nominated “Hitman: Codename 47”.

After retiring from the business following his last outing Agent 47 is forced out of his Sicillian monastery hideout by the local crime syndicate who blackmail him.

As Agent 47 you enter a world of deception and killing where soon the hunter becomes the hunted. Now you don’t just kill for money, you kill to stay alive.

You are kitted out with an arsenal of over 20 different weapons, both lethal and nonlethal, ranging from a sniper rifle to tranqulizer darts and a

garotting wire.

The game is played out over 20 missions encompasing many far flung and exotic locations such as St Petersberg, Malaysia and India. All locals are voiced in their native languages.

Each level can be completed in a variety of ways and your performance on each is ranked and recorded so the determined gamer can replay a level searching for that illusive perfect rating.

Hitman 2 is an improvement on the original in every possible way. The graphics are a beauty to behold and the whole game lighting reflects the dark nature of the task in hand.

The gameplay is smooth and controlled with a touch of slowdown in the more hectic passages of play. The controls are your standard first person

shooter fare, however, Hitman can be played from a third person perspective if you are so inclined. The atmosphere of the game is perfectly rounded off by a musical score written and performed by the Budapest Symphonic Orchestra which would grace any CD collection.

Overall Hitman 2 is a very inventive game adding a new twist to the fps genre. Many will hate the lack of multiplayer options but will find the story compelling without it. This is a perfect game for those who loved Metal Gear Solids gameplay and the carnage of Grand Theft Auto. You will love this so go play it, but watch your back...because no-one else will!!

Chris Pietryka For your chance to win a copy of Hitman 2: Silent Assassin from the lovely people at Eidos Interactive, then turn to The Big Win Circus now.

HEY KIDS..... SPARK UP!!!

WWW.THESPARK.COM

MOST OF you at some point or another will have passed through the lower levels of the Student Union. If you have you may have noticed a new stall has opened opposite the Union Job Shop.

The stall is that of studentvillage.com who have also been appearing at the student fayres at the start of the year.

Some of you will have seen the site and already reaped its benefits, whereas others will have no idea and have never seen a computer.

The site was set up by an ex-student of Cardiff University Raham Azadi two years ago. “I wanted to build a yellow pages style site for student friendly businesses in

Cardiff” says Mr Azadi. With student pages he has most definately achieved his goal.

The website has a very straight forward layout with the directory easy to look through with the information listed in clear catagories. All of the businesses listed are student friendly either in the way of offering discounts or freebies to students.

The website is specific to Cardiff and is available to view free over the web.

Businesses can contact Mr Azadi about advertising via the website itself.

Many of the businesses offer competitions and studentvillage use some of these prizes to hold a monthly social night where

This weeks charts Playstation 2 1: Hitman 2: Silent Assassin See above 2: Onimusha 2.

Japanese war epic 3: Stuntman.

Drive, crash, get paid!

4: This Is Football 2003.

Best football ever?

5: The Thing.

Kill it!

6: Tekken 4.

Hit it harder.

7: Blade 2.

Slice them lots.

8: Medal of Honour Gritty war drama.

9: Grand Theft Auto 3 A classic.

10:Gran Turismo 3: Pit Yet another GT3

X-Box 1: Hitman 2. same as the PS2.

2: WWE Raw. Wrestling Fun. 3: Quantum Redshift.

Spacey thing.

4: Blade 2.

Aren’t you dead yet?

5: Conflict Desert Storm.

What are you saying.

6: Halo.

Best shooter ever!!

7: The Thing.

What thing?

8: John Madden 2003.

American f.ball rulz 9: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Mmmmm Buffy!

10:Commandos 2.

More war fun!

PC-CD ROM 1: Unreal Tournament 2003 Multiplayer carnage.

2: The Sims unleashed.

Flog a dead Horse?

3: The Sims Delux.

Maybe?

4: Hitman 2.

Very popular.

5: Club Manager 2003.

Football manager sim 6: Battlefield 1942.

More WW2 action.

7: Mafia.

Crime fun for all.

8: The Thing.

Oh, that thing.

9: Stronghold Crusade.

Medieval action.

10:The Sims Holiday More add-ons.

Game Cube 1: Wrestlemania.

Smackdowns Better.

2: Turok.

Dinosaurs!!!!

3: Resident Evil.

The daddy of horror!

4: Spike Beach.

Beach Volleyball!!!!

5: Super Smash Brothers.

Essential for the cube 6: Rogue Squadron.

Best cube game yet!

7: Luigis Mansion.

Marios the best bro.

8: Sonic 2 A SEGA classic!

9: Freekstyle.

No Comment.

10:Disney magic mirror Stick to cartoons.

the goodies get dished out.

Studentvillage are always interested in feedback on the businesses, and any that are not being nice to students risk being deleted from the website.

The site is hoping to expand to offer online games and a chatroom by Christmas so keep an eye out for that.

Anything that can encourage businesses to help students must be a good thing so visit the site and save some money now!

Chris Pietryka

Coming soon..

ENTERING THE office for the next issue will be Gravity Games: BMX, Tekken 4 and Timesplitters 2. In addition we will have trawled the net for more useful (and useless) stuff for you.

Have you spent any of your student loan on new games yet? Anything you especially liked? Something you hated and took back? Tell us about it! Drop me a line at our email on gairrhyddgames@hotmail.co m. Go on get your name in print. Think of the CV. This weeks charts were supplied by our good friends at Game on Queen Street.

Games/web

wealth test and the death test, all of which come out with a statistical rating of yourself with regards to the test title! Not 100% accurate I’m sure but I’m happy with a 58% bastard rating and a 87 year life expectancy! You can have competitions between yourselves to find the biggest slut or the most pure person!

There’s loads of other stuff to keep you amused as well, such as the “date my sister” project and the “fat” project!

Some studenty stuff and other general bits and bobs make this a site well worth visiting. Don’t bother if you are easily offended but if you fancy wasting some time, do it in style on this site!

Phill Ettle

reviews

IMAGINE IF you will; you have a two hour gap between lectures. Too long to just sit and take the mick out of the gingers in your group and yet too short to be bothered to drag your sorry behind all the way home! What do you do?

You find yourself a computer and amuse yourself and your friends with thespark.com!

It’s the ultimate boredom killer and conversation maker.

The site is nothing complex so it downloads quickly enough, but is bright, attractive and humorous enough (especially for a site ran by Americans!) on the homepage to make you want to check it out for a bit.

There are all kinds of quiz’s and tests, such as the gender test, the bastard test, the

WWW.STUDENTVILLAGE.COM VILLAGE PEOPLE.

ook s reviews

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Prostitutes and Porn Stars...

Thought that would get your attention, although, truth be told, the items reviewed on this fortnight’s Books page do seem to have been written with a theme in mind. No matter what your thoughts are regarding (gasp!) literature, you can’t fail to be moved by the prospect of some down and dirty titilation, can you? If I were you, I’d find myself a cool dark room and settle down with a box of tissues for some quality time with Gair Rhydd as we take you from the red-light districts of Victorian London where the aptly named Sugar plies her trade, to more modern times in which dubious allusions are made to good old home cooking, Fanny Craddock style...

Lady In Red...

THE CRIMSON PETAL AND THE WHITE Michael Faber (Canongate)

A

S EAGERLY awaited, as it is feared, Michel Faber’s The Crimson

Petal and the White is something of an explosion.

The book is indeed immense and foreboding, but like a loveable rogue, rather endearing once you get to know it.

The complex narrative that forms the novel’s plot drags the reader on a nightmarish tour of an underground London that even predates the Central Line extension to Ealing Broadway.

Faber paints a picture of a Moulin Rouge world, but notably without the glamour and excitement, just the seediness.

More, in fact, along the lines of the vulgarity

of Madonna’s sex confessions twinned with the sheer filth of a 20th Century Athenian sewer.

The story principally follows a nineteen-year-old prostitute called Sugar as she climbs the slippery ladder from the depths to the heights of Victorian society. At the dingy, grimy end, the story is unsettling and disarmingly elusive in virtue; but at the top end of society ladies and their pearls, the story is almost magical in its ability to transport you to another dimension. Throughout, Faber’s characters are at their worst enchanting (even when teetering on the edge of ghastly), and at their best they are familiar and loving to each other and to the reader.

It is to his credit and great advantage that Faber took twenty years to distil The Crimson Petal and the White from the literary ether.

Although he himself wryly admits in an epilogue that he was far too young in the 1870’s to be able to report the facts with pristine accuracy,

Said The Actress To The Bishop THE PORNSTAR AND THE PRIEST Ray Hollingsworth (Colbert-Macalister) AS HOLLINGSWORTH mentions during his introduction, it’s not at all easy to get a book of poetry published. So, to counter this difficulty, he decided to publish one himself, setting up his own publishing company. He’s written the introduction on Christmas day and is proud to

tell his reader so. Indeed, it’s not far from free association, the thought process is so jumbled. He concludes this tone-setting prelude: “We live on an amazing planet. Live the dream.” 21 poems then proceed from this claim to form a brief, yet comprehensive, collection of exploratory verse.

The poetry explores a broad spectrum of issues including war, urbanisation, automated telephones, drugs, illness, sex, religion and fast food.

Intertwined with the verse lie

images, many of which are photographic, all of which are decidedly psychedelic. The whole concept is one of introspection: “If you can’t find yourself - no one else will find you but by then you may not wish to be found.” It is this very issue of self-discovery that leads Hollingsworth to write. He struggles to relate to the world around him and thus seeks consolation amongst the poems he publishes. As a result, an aura of sincerity, but not necessarily coherence, carries through the book.

See also...

Read the book? Now watch the TV adaptation.

9pm Wednesday, BBC 2 Tipping the Velvet, adapted by Andrew Davies of Pride and Prejudice fame and based on Sarah Waters’ novel of the same name. The story centres around a lesbian love story set in the music halls of Victorian London and stars Anna ‘Duckface’ Chancellor, Keely Hawes and Diana Rigg’s daughter Rachael Stirling.

Oyster-seller Nan (Stirling)

catches a visiting music hall act and is instantly smitten with male impersonater Kitty Butler (Hawes). The duo ’s friendship soon develops into a love affair, and when Nan is hired as Kitty’s dresser, the pair take off for the bright lights of the big city.

Watch out for Duckface vamping it up as a Sapphic dominatrix!

If you liked these...

For those in search of historical harlotry, you can’t get much better than D. H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterly’s Lover. The BBC did a version a few years ago starring Sean Bean as the eponymous

the characterisation of social customs and conventions, class systems and London geography seem quite adequate to the unhistorical reader, at least.

As if to distract the reader from any glaring historical errors, Faber has a delightfully witty and enlightening turn of phrase, rather like a younger, happier Wittgenstein. He will casually impart wisdom like “A simple fuck is one thing, but let a man sleep with you just once and he thinks he can bring his dogs and his pigeons”, proving himself to be amusing as well as clever.

There are chiefly two ways to read the book: one is as a historical exercise, checking the facts and ideas as you go along with a view to learn something purely academic; and the other is to read it as a novel purely for entertainment purposes. One of The Crimson Petal and the White’s key joys is that it is marvellously versatile in terms of how you want to read it and what you want to get out of it.

As in his previous writings,

Faber shows himself to possess that rare gift of being able to make one cringe, but not with disgust or offence, but with an uncomfortable sense of admiration for his courage and wit. This is shown in examples such as describing Jesus as “some Jewish troublemaker” and comments like “What did God make cunts for, if not to save women from donkey-work?” are indicative of a fiercely ambitious attempt to write a novel of exceptional style and ideological importance.

With its cast of whimsical, serious, upsetting, hateful and loveable characters, The Crimson Petal and the White is a Victorian drama played out from a 20th Century point of view, with a remarkable lucid narrative wherein the story seems to evolve as natural as rain. Faber carries you along with him like a gentle river - compelled but not intimidated - all the way from page 1 to page 893, without even noticing that the time has passed at all, like a dream. Daniel Barnes

The layout is clever, although unoriginal: Irvine Welsh has been doing similar things with his novels throughout the last decade.

Emphasis is created and thoughts isolated through broken verse and effective absence of punctuation.

Similarly, the points raised within the wisely constructed stanzas are by no means trivial, but, sadly, neither are they ground breaking. This is the social commentary of rappers the world over.

Being necessarily fundamental to good poetry, the competent employment of language is not difficult to

locate. There are many instances where the metaphor constructed reaps successful results. One such example is the comparison between cooking a steak pie and having sex. “Tender chunks of flesh topped with a light tan/check she is piping hot before consuming.” This typically extended metaphor is effective imagery that gives the reader insight to the Hollingsworth thought process.

Whilst at times this cognition is incoherently obsessive of the mundane, it makes for oddly compulsive and indeed, endearing, reading.

Andrew Davidson

lover. From the other side of the tracks, Daniel Defoe’s Moll Flanders tells the story of a woman born to a prostitute in Newgate prison who, as a result of circumstances beyond her control, becomes a thief and a whore herself. About five years ago ITV produced a racy version starring ER’s Dr. Corday, Alex Kingston. Incidently, the role made her a huge star in America, probably because she appeared completely naked.

TIPPING THE VELVET: Growling at the badger?

Picking the otter’s pocket?

Oh, they’re shoes

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Monday 30 September ----->Friday 11 October Four hours a week! Pah! Tune in here for your proper timetable, an essential guide to the next 12 days mostly non-essential viewing.

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disguises him as her sister.

And he begins to like his new femininity. And he’s played by Oliver Reed, and she’s played by Glenda Jackson. Oh my days.

Sense and Sensibility (S4C, Saturday 20 October, 9.30pm) continues the silver screen theme with exquisitely nuanced Jane Austen action. Emma Thompson gives the best performance of her (admittedly fairly limited career) as the uberrepressed Eleanor, a woman inexplicably in love with frogfaced Hugh Grant who, along with her mother and sisters, is forced to move to Devon. And if all this wasn’t bad enough, she has to do it wearing a corset and a horrible green dress. Eee bah gum, it ain’t like that these days. Thank fuck.

Chasing Amy (BBC2, Saturday 20 October, 10:35) would, therefore, be something of a contrast. It’s the third of Kevin Smith’s New Jersey trilogy, and in TV Desk’s opinion the best.

It teases and tantalises with musings on sexuality, fidelity and relationship politics with a peculiarly sardonic - and at times just downright peculiar

- wit. And the most graphic reference to fisting TV Desk has yet witnessed. It will stay in your head forever. As it were. Oh, fnarr.

So you’ve had your sexy American high schoolers, your Regency period drama and your thought-provoking musings on sexuality. Now you can just be scared shitless with The Blair Witch Project (S4C, Sunday 21 October, 10:20pm), the cult horror film. If S4C had kind of scheduling sense, they’d have shown this at midnight on Hallowe’en but as they’re not, create proper atmosphere by turning all the lights out, drawing the curtains and cuddling up to your cushion/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ dog. And for added fun after the terrifying confusion, leave small bunches of twigs outside your flatmates’ rooms in the middle of the night and watch them soil their undergarments in fright.

Ah hahahahahahahaha hahahahahaahahah haaa haa ha haa haaaa ha ha.

Ahem.

A new week, a new film.

The League of Gentlemen (BBC2, Monday 21 October, 1.30pm) is not to be confused with, um, The League of Gentlemen, the twisted comedy series of the same name. We presume, however, that this is where they got that moniker from. Watch it for us and tell us what it’s like, will you? We won’t be awake at such an early hour of the afternoon.

We may, however, be awake to see Coupling (BBC2, Monday 21 October, 9.30pm), because we like to watch good comedy which makes us laugh. It’s nothing too complicated - Friends but British and dirtier (surely the two go hand-in-hand, though?

As it were) - and TV Amy thinks the new series hasn’t lived up to the previous two, but hey, it’s got Mad Welsh Jeff in it. Whom TV Amy has just expressed lust for. Oh. Dear.

God. (Shut yer face Alex. You fancy a political columnist.

Sicko. - TV Amy) (Andrew Rawnsley beats the Welsh twat hands down. As it were. TV Alex) Ahem. Sorry about that, people. Back to TV. Linda Green (BBC1, Tuesday 22 October, 9.30pm) is the best of a fuck-off awful lot tonight, so if you feel like watching an elderly townie getting her kicks with men who should know a lot better than to go near an increasingly wrinkly Liza Tarbuck, go ahead and watch it. - TV Alex If, however, you feel like watching a TV icon make a brilliant true-to-life script come alive, accompanied by some fairly good-looking men, then you should watch this programme. Fuck off, Alex, you know nothing. Feuds ahoy on the TV Desk! Read this next week for full scale reviewer on reviewer scrap action. - TV Amy It’s always a good thing when the BBC expand their horizons a bit. Tipping the

Velvet, (BBC2, Wednesday 23 October, 9:00pm), however falls somewhere short of good. Andrew Davies, the screenwriter on Pride and Prejudice, has thrown up a cliched, tacky mess rather reminiscent of a Catherine Cookson mini-series, made even worse by the most pointless voiceover ever spoken. Nan, the narrator and heroine butts in at inopportune moments to tell us things we already knew in her halfBrummie, half-Essex accent.

For example, in a scene where Nan is looking at her future lesbian lover with nothing short of bosom-heaving lust, she tells us: “I didn’t want to be ‘er sister, Oi wan’ed to be ‘er luvvah.” No shit.

Take TV Steve’s advice and forward through all those annoying talking bits to the hot, quite literally juicy, girl-ongirl bedroom type action.

Niiiiice.

While Changing Rooms (BBC1, Thursday 24

October, 8:30pm) may not be high-quality programming, it does have one redeeming feature: Lawrence LlewellynBowen. I know it’s wrong, I know it’s sick, but I just can’t keep it inside any longer! It’s his long, flowing locks, his tight leather trousers, his flashy, brightly coloured shirts that make me go all funny in that down below place and make me want to decorate my dining room in a Queen Anne style.

You can mock and carp at me as much as you want, but it could be worse. My best friend fancies Handy Andy. Shudder.

Poor TV Amy. As the men in white coats carry her off, foaming at the mouth, to the nearest loony bin, it’s up to me to deliver today’s glad tidings: yes, Have I Got News For You (BBC1, Friday 25

October, 9.30pm) is back!

(Well, technically it was back last week, but nothing gets in the way of our all-conquering film fests.) It’s one of the few programmes TV Desk actually bothers to watch, and is always a guaranteed laugh.

Expect lots of jokes about curries in the first few weeks.

For example: What’s grey and smells of curry? John Major’s cock. Excellent stuff.

two

Television

packed Millenium Stadium they could just cause a upset. Maybe. Sorry that was all a bit serious, I think I’ve been talking to Sports Desk too much. Sweaty balls. That’s better.

10 Things I Hate About You (HTV, Friday 18 October, 9:00) kicks off our bumper weekend film fest in fine teeny-bopper Shakespearean style. But while it may be Shakespeare, don’t worry you won’t have to turn your brain on to watch it as they’ve done away with that tricky old fashioned language and replaced it with buggin’, hip, cool ‘n’ trendy street slang. It works really well, with leads Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger generating a car batteries worth of sexual sparks as they try to get into each other’s pants. Watch it and try to pretend you’re educated, dullard.

Next up is The Triple Echo (BBC2, Saturday 19 October, 1.15am), which TV Desk has unfortunately not seen, but which appears to be based on a truly wonderful premise: a woman living alone on a farm takes in a war deserter. And

pickings

Computer problems galore, seemingly sent by Satan himself, have plagued TV Desk this week so thank your lucky bloody stars you’ve got any listings at all.

But hey! We’re here now, and here’s the best (and sometimes worst) of the fortnight’s telly for your perusal.

Never Mind the Buzzcocks (BBC2, Monday 18 October, 9:00) is surprisingly packed with quality guests this week.

Well, two anyway. The evercool Lauren Laverne, exKenickie singer and First Lady of Indie, joins Mark Lamarr, Phil Jupitus and Bill Bailey along with Stephen

Frost, the comedian with the biggest eyebrows in the world. Probably. I could turn this preview into a rant about the too early demise of kick-ass punkas Kenickie, but I won’t. I’ll just say that last time Lauren was on, she was the pissfunniest thing I’ve ever heard and leave it at that.

England v Macedonia (BBC1, Thursday 17 October, 7:30pm): Oi-oi, European Championship qualifiers time again kids.

Can the En-ger-land build on their encouraging, if not spectacular World Cup? Or will (at the time of going to press) unfortunate injuries to “The Baron” Rio Ferdinand and Sol “Judas” Campbell hinder their hopes? Well considering the strength of the opposition (non-existent), England should cruise through. Hopefully.

Wales v Italy (BBC2, Thursday 17 October, 7:05pm): And in the interest of non-bias, Mark Hughes’ ever improving Wales take on the mighty Italians. On the face of it this should be one team contest (Andy Melville v Vieri anyone?) but the Welsh have a strong team spirit and with a

elevision

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18

Monday 14 October BBC 1

BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 Eureka TV 4.30 Ace Lightning 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday: You Call the Shots 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Dalziel and Pascoe 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 One on One: Roy Hudd 11.15 First Degree 11.45 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 12.15 Nightmare Families 12.45 FILM: Solitaire for 2 2.30 Sign Zone: Two Men in a Trench 3.20 Sign Zone: SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 3.50 Sign Zone: What's Your Problem?: Free Wheelers 4.40 Sign Zone: What's Your Problem?: North Face 4.50 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Play and the Social World 6.30 An English Education 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Magic Key 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures 11.35 Watch 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Zig Zag 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Taxi 1.35 FILM: Johnny Guitar 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Farscape 7.30 The Trouble with Love: Pandora's Box 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 What the Tudors Did for Us: War Machyne 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Coupling 10.00 The Office 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 I'm Alan Partridge 11.50 3rd Rock from the Sun 12.15 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Special Delivery 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Bric a Brac 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Fingertips 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Cruise Ship 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Sirens 10.30 ITV News at Ten 11.00 The Sexiest Girls in Britain 12.00 Champions League Weekly 12.30 FILM: The Man Who Knew Too Much This is not a problem TV Steve has, since that compulsory labotomy last year.

Now he only knows the names of Japanese footballers. Sad. 2.30 Today with Des and Mel 3.20 The New Addams Family 3.40 The Web Review 4.10 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.35 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1 6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote Bring back Diagnosis Murder yer bastards!

3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 Viva S Club 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Wild Weather: Hot 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Absolutely Fabulous Which, ironically, no longer is.

11.35 FILM: Haunted 1.25 Sign Zone 4.10 Joins BBC News 24

FILM: Eyes Wide Shut C5 10.05pm

BBC 2 6.00 Open University: Global Firms in the Industrialising East 6.30 Images over India 7.00 CBBC 10.50 Megamaths 11.10 Landmarks 11.30 The Experimenter 12.10 You're the Boss 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 FILM: Big Dreams and Broken Hearts: The Dottie West Story 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Small Town Gardens 8.00 Allies at War: Hero to Villain 8.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 9.00 Born Romantic 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 AIDS: A South African Horror 12.05 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

Newsnight BBC2 10.30pm

S4C

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Watercolour Challenge 1.45 Superstructures of America 2.45 Fifteen to One Ah, the sedate pleasures of William G. Stewart. The largest collection of geeks, freaks and OAP amassed daily for your viewing joy, watch and learn how not to live.

3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Taro Naw 8.30 Yr Ocsiwniar 9.00 Welsh in a Week 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 White Teeth 11.35 A Man's Best Friend 12.35 College Girls 1.35 FILM: Angels and Insects 4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House 3.35 FILM: Lost Flight 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 8.00 The Most Evil Men in History TV Steve’s early years.

8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: Chain of Command 11.00 House of Astonishment 11.35 American Sex 12.30 NFL Update 1.05 NASCAR Busch Series 1.55 Thoroughbred Grand Prix 2.45 European Seniors Golf 3.35 Gold Coast Triathlon 4.00 Motorsport Mundial 4.25 Argentinian Football

ITV 1

S4C

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Special Delivery 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel It’s like the Acorn Antiques of daytime chat shows, a terrifying spoof that’s almost too embarrassing to watch. And Des is getting oranger. He’s the new Dale Winton. A vision of horror.

2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 Jungle Run 4.35 Becoming 5.05 You've Been Framed!

5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Airline 8.00 The National Television Awards 2002 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Frank Skinner Show 11.20 Young, Posh and Loaded 12.25 Lynx Extended Play: Ibiza Exclusive 12.50 Sugababes in Profile 1.20 Strictly Soho 1.45 FILM: Beaches 3.45 World Sport 4.15 World Football 4.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Spin City 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Deadly Jaws 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Pencampwriaeth Bowlio 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 04 Wal 8.30 Pompeii Cyntaf 9.30 Bodily Harm 10.30 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors S4C finally come up with something worth watching. It’s much like watching the cast of Pobol Y Cwm prance around while on immense amounts of hallucinogens - there’s an old man who drives an army tank around the wood, a coked-up TV chef has populated her house with shop mannequins and the vicar’s wife has run off with the Pagan gardener. It’s top class, and as this edition is subtitled, you won’t even have to learn Welsh. Hurrah!

11.35 Chariot Race 1.25 Frasier 1.55 FILM: Where the River Bends 4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Danielle Steel's Kaleidoscope 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: Memphis Belle 10.05 FILM: Eyes Wide Shut “Nicole Kidman gets her norks out and that’s good enough for me” says an easily-pleased TV Steve.

“And Tom Cruise might be naked in it too” pants TV Alex. Dirty fuckers. Worth watching to find out, though.

1.05 NFL Game of the Week 4.20 Rally UK 4.45 Drag Racing 5.10 Major League Soccer: Kansas City Wizards v LA Galaxy

Tuesday 15 October

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19

Wednesday 16 October BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 The Queen's Nose 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 Match of the Day Live: England v Macedonia England’s two remaining fit players (Phil Neville and Gary Neville, Gary on crutches) take the footballing colossus’s of Macedonia. ‘Ave-it you slanty eyed Macedonians...

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 The National Lottery 10.40 High Hopes 11.10 The Golden Hour The sequel to seminary porno, “The Golden Shower” 12.10 Match of the Day 12.50 FILM: Weapons of Mass Distraction 2.25 Match of the Day: England v Macedonia 3.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 6.30 Theory and Practice 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Smurfs' Adventures 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.05 Arthur 8.30 Round the Twist 9.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 64 Zoo Lane 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Made in Wales 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures Plus 11.35 What?

Where? When? Why? 11.50 Words and Pictures 12.05 Words and Pictures 12.20 Maths Challenge 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Lifeline 1.10 FILM: Doctor in the House 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News and Weather 4.00 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 Star Trek 7.05 International Football: Wales v Italy WAARGGH!!

9.50 The Royle Family 10.20 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 In the Picture 12.05 Despatch Box 12.30 Open University 1.00 Reinventing the Wheel 1.30 Containing the Pacific 2.00 Secondary Schools Technology 4.00 Deutsch Plus

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Special Delivery 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Engie Benjy 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.00 Sponge Bob SquarePants 4.35 24Seven 5.05 You've Been Framed!

5.30 Family Fortunes Bring back Les, actually he’s probably just keeping a eye on the misses, the dirty hoe.

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 8.30 30 Years of Emmerdale Stunning sheep scenes..zzz....

9.50 The Bill 10.50 ITV News at Ten 11.20 Real Bad Girls 11.50 FILM: When a Man Loves a Woman Or when a woman loves a woman in TV Amy’s case. One word: Dungarees. 2.00 Coach 2.25 Today with Des and Mel 3.15 FILM: Pit of Darkness 4.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Hey kids, I’m back off my deathbed and I’m ranting like a coked-up Littlejohn. At this point I’d like to apologise to Macedonian readership, just joshin’ my eastern Europe buddies.

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Mummy 4.25 Looney Tunes 4.30 Call the Shots 4.55 Fame Academy 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround Topical news 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders Doesn’t Sam look like Jack Nicholson in Batman ie. the joker. Look at the mouth, scary.

8.00 My Family 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 Under Attack: A Shops, Robbers and Videotape 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 FILM: Deadlocked 1.40 Holiday: You Call the Shots

7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Fame Academy 8.05 Blue Peter 8.30 Round the Twist 9.00 Teletubbies 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 Andy Pandy 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Megamaths 10.20 Look and Read 10.40 Landmarks 11.00 Golf 1.10 Teletubbies 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 The Chat Room 2.20 Primary Geography 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Golf 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Mountain Stories 8.00 Home Front in the Garden 8.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 9.00 Wild New World: Ice Age Oasis 9.50 Look around You 10.00 The League of Gentlemen 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Men Who Wiped Out Billions 11.50 America's Cup 12.30 BBC Learning Zone 1.05 Lab Detectives 1.25 The Next Big Thing 2.00 A Time to Be Born 2.30 The Chemistry of Creativity 3.00 Cosmic Recycling

Bargain Hunt BBC1 12.00am

ITV 1 6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Special Delivery 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 Soft Sell 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Brilliant Creatures 4.00 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.35 Harry and the Wrinklies 5.05 You've Been Framed!

5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Brad develops herpes from an rancid lolipop given to him by a lizard named Terry. Or summit equally unlikely.

7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 Emmerdale Feck off, once is enough, you muthers..

9.00 Fat Friends 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Tarrant on TV Too fuggin’ much!

11.30 Screen Gems 12.30 Night and Day 1.25 ITV at the Festivals 2002 2.20 Macy Gray - In Profile 2.45 Mixmasters 3.10 Cybernet 3.35 Motorsport UK 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

S4C

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Watercolour Challenge 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Scrapheap Challenge 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Popty 4.15 Planed Plant: Hanesion Hyll 4.40 Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Pencampwriaeth Bowlio 7.25 Pel-droed Rhyngwadol: Cymru v Yr Eidal 9.45 Newyddion Sorry student bretherin, we’ve ditched C4 cos the size of the font was making my eyes hurt. And I can’t be arsed..

10.00 Bodily Harm 11.45 Ally McBeal Skeletal overacting from a talentless bint, in short.

12.40 Sex and the City 1.15 Will and Grace No really this is shit, Will may be cute ladies but that’s no excuse to give time to this crap. 1.45 Red Hot Chili Peppers Sock-on-cock action , funky 2.15 FILM: The Big Boss With Bruce Lee and Maria Yi. 3.50 ALT-TV - A Dad for Aina

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Murder or Memory?

5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles Face-for-radio chubber incomprehensibly gets own series.

Next week, The Dream Team’s guide to DIY. 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 Brits Who Fought for Hitler Like Littlejohn’s dad probs, the Nazi CUNT. 10.00 Dwarves in Showbiz 11.00 Law and Order 12.00 Major League Baseball Live 3.00 Major League Baseball Replay 5.35 Fastrax

S4C

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Watercolour Challenge 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Plismon Puw 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 1.00 Countdown 1.40 Channel 4 attheraces from Newmarket 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Planed Plant: Stori'r Anifeiliaid 4.05 Planed Plant: Chwedlau'r Byd 4.20 Planed Plant: Y Marinogion 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Pencampwriaeth Bowlio 7.00 Pobol y Cwm Filmed in Caerphilly, the home of Tory reprobates everywhere..

7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Siopa Byw 8.30 Bob a'i Fam 9.00 Cof Patagonia 9.30 Forever Summer with Nigella Mmm.. I’d like Nigella between two slices of bread.

10.00 Brookside 11.05 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 12.05 Model Behaviour Vapid empty individuals watch empty vapid individuals, everybody’s lives slip away.

12.35 Alias 1.30 FILM: Mute Witness 3.05 Hollywood Vice 3.35 The Art Show 4.05 FILM: Before I Hang My midget from the ceiling. We all do it, c’mon.

Oooh, Gemma’s gone mad and beating up the computer. Nurse!

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Riders of the Purple Sage 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles “irreverant” the listing says “irrelevant” I’ll say. Oh you bitch.

7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: Godzilla 10.35 Murder Trail 11.40 Downloading Sex Hmm.. all too easy to jibe at my flatmate here. I think I’ll just say “wankrag” and leave it at that.

12.30 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 1.10 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v Ajax 2.40 Argentinian Football: River Plate v Union 4.10 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.50 Major League Soccer: Columbus Crew v New England Revolution MLS man, it’s like soccer or as you Englanders say foot-ball. Next week Las Vegas Sleazepit take on New York crackboom.

Thursday 17 October

Television

BBC 1

Brits Who Fought for Hitler C5 9.00pm

elevision

GRiP

20

Friday 18 October BBC 1

BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Bring It On Children's series in which Richard McCourt and Dominic Wood attempt to master new skills.

How to get the finest quality gak around, then, if they’re kids’ TV presenters. 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport Guests include Vinnie Jones and swimming superstar Ian Thorpe. Ian Thorpe is truly delicious. Size 17 feet! 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Trevor announces that he's going to Scotland. Fnarr - that can definitely be a euphemism for something filthy. Scotland is, after all, the back of beyond. 8.30 Fame Academy 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Mike Doyle 11.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.50 FILM: Virtuosity ...thy name is TV Desk.

1.35 FILM: The Legend of the Werewolf 3.00 Joins BBC New 24

6.00 After the Genome 6.50 What Have the 90s Ever Done for Us? Yes, it probably can be summed up in ten minutes. 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Smurfs' Adventures 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.05 Call the Shots 8.30 Round the Twist 9.00 Teletubbies 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 Bob the Builder 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Storytime 10.15 Watch 10.30 Writing and Pictures 10.45 Pod's Mission 11.00 Golf: World Matchplay 1.10 Landmarks 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Landmarks 2.20 Golf 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Gardeners' World 7.15 Scrum V Live 9.30 Tipping the Velvet 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Vine. He’s a Joy Division fan, you know. 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Later with Jools Holland Featuring performances from David Bowie, Ms Dynamite, the Coral, Beenie Man and Linda Thompson.

Respectively: legend, awesome, the worst band I have had the misfortune to hear in the past few months, cunt and who? 12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.15 FILM: The Triple Echo 3.00 Secondary Schools: AS Guru: Study Skills 4.00 General Studies 1 As if studying has any bearing on A-level grades nowadays...

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Special Delivery 12.30 News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Psychic Show 2.30 News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Art Attack 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Candice flirts with danger. Danger tells the minging troll to fuck off out of it.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Celebrity Fit Club Rik Waller still refuses to accept the truth. About his weight, or his lack of singing ability?

Neither are particularly pleasant to contemplate. Being fat is nothing to be proud of, kids. 9.00 FILM: 10 Things I Hate about You This is surprisingly good, despite being set in an American high school; possibly all due to the presence of the ravishing Julia Stiles. 10.50 Weekend News 11.20 The Pop Factory 11.50 Veronica's Closet 12.25 Anthony Hopkins: Close Up 12.50 Take the Mike 1.20 Dial-a-Date 1.55 Turks 2.45 Entertainment Now! 3.10 Today with Des and Mel 4.00 World Football 4.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.55 Get Stuffed 5.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 CBBC: Arthur 6.25 The Woody Woodpecker Show 6.45 The Cramp Twins 7.10 Cubix 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.05 Looney Tunes 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.05 Golf: World Matchplay 2.30 Rugby Union: Bristol Shoguns v Montferrand 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.15 BBC News 5.30 Wales Today 5.35 Dog Eat Dog 6.10 Only Fools and Horses 6.40 The Chair 7.30 The National Lottery: Winning Lines 8.15 Casualty 9.05 Silent Witness 10.05 BBC News 10.25 Parkinson Featuring veteran British comedian Bob Monkhouse, stand-up comedian and actor Peter Kay, and a live duet from Lulu and Ronan Keating. Festival of Cunts, then.

11.25 FILM: Witness “Not very interesting, but Harrison Ford ding dong!” - a somewhat overexcited TV Amy. She’s wrong, of course. Harrison Ford is old and mingy. 1.15 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2.00 A Question of Sport 2.35 Top of the Pops 3.05 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 BBC News 9.10 HARDtalk Surely too early in the morning for porn? 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 See Hear on Saturday 12.45 The Sky at Night 1.05 Around the World in 80 Days 1.55 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 2.25 Golf: World Matchplay Golf is a very hypnotic sport to watch. 5.30 What the Papers Say A look back at the events of the week as reported in the press, with Amanda Platell of the New Statesman. Amanda Platell scares the shit out of me, to be honest. And that’s even after she failed miserably at her job. 5.40 Porridge 6.10 FILM: The Bridge at Remagen 8.05 A History of Britain by Simon Schama: The British Wars 9.05 Fame, Set and Match: Breakfast TV and Beyond 10.05 Have I Got News for You 10.35 FILM: Chasing Amy Awesome, awesome film. No more needs to be said. Ah, back when Ben Affleck still possessed credibility... 12.25 FILM: Safe Passage 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: AS Guru: General Studies 2

FILM: Chasing Amy BBC2 10.35pm

Later with Jools Holland BBC2 11.35pm

S4C

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Watercolour Challenge 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.00 Countdown 1.40 Channel 4 attheraces 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Pencampwriaeth Bowlio Coverage from the 2002 Welsh Matchplay Indoor Bowling Championship 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De Is this really Welsh? If it is, it’s a dafter language than I first thought. 8.30 Cefn Gwlad 9.00 Driven 9.30 Friends 10.00 Brookside 10.35 Graham Norton Live at the Roundhouse Graham Norton is the biggest cunt on TV tonight. He peddles the epitome of lite entertainment with neither point nor purpose, continues to pander to the stereotypical, dumbass view of gays and looks like a horribly garish weasel. Therefore, he must die. 11.55 Model Behaviour 12.25 FILM: Widows' Peak 2.15 The British Rally Peugeot 206 Supercup 2.40 Five Nations Karting Cup 3.05 Brazilian Championship Football

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Cheyenne Warrior 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Nick pushes Jim too far.

Fnarr! 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Mapping Murder: Home Is Where the Heart Is 8.30 Britain's Worst Driver 9.00 A Mind to Kill 11.00 FILM: Forbidden 12.35 FILM: Dangerous Liaisons Ooh, must remember to watch this. Bound to be better than Cruel Intentions, which is like porn for five-yearolds. Beanbag porn, as it were.

2.15 FILM: Harbour Beat 3.45 Monsters 4.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

ITV 1

S4C

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Clueless 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.05 HTV News and Weather 1.10 On the Ball 2.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 3.05 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News 5.20 ITV News 5.35 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 6.00 Blind Date 7.00 Popstars: The Rivals This was given no space last week as a matter of principle, but to hell with principle when I have space to fill.

Not watched it, obviously, but it does sound like the ghastliest idea since, well, Pop Idol. Expect Will and G-G-Gareth to be milked to death for every last drop of profit before the final of this, which will probably coincide with the death of their ‘careers’. 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.00 Popstars: The Rivals Live Result 9.15 Sing with a Star 10.15 ITV Weekend News 10.30 The Premiership 12.00 The Frank Skinner Show The Moyles cunt was just heard putting forward the view that ‘noone dislikes Frank Skinner’. Well, I fucking hate the scrawny ginger ferret. And you too, Moyles. 12.45 The District 1.35 Ballads Forever 2.30 CD:UK 3.20 Dial-a-Date 3.45 Entertainment Now! 4.15 Cybernet 4.40 Get Stuffed Reminds me of peppers, this. 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 GT on 4 7.30 ICC World Cricket Week 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sport Talk 11.00 ASCAR 11.30 Rightguard Extreme Skate Tour 2002 12.00 Stargate SG-1 12.55 Futurama 1.25 Channel 4 attheraces from Newmarket 5.00 Newyddion 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi Why do Welsh people like rugby so much when it’s such a shit sport?

Would any bona fide Welsh people like to email us to explain? gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com is always ready to receive your opinions. 7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.30 Deg Munud Dwl 7.45 Diolch o Galon 8.30 Y Bws Gwlad 9.00 Bob a'i Fam Drama series about a librarian. Who commissions this shit? 9.30 FILM: Sense and Sensibility Excellent film, this (it’s a week for good films). Excitingly, one of the scenes was filmed in a house where TV Desk’s granny works.

12.05 Angel TV Amy’s out of the room right now, so between you and me both Buffy and Angel are, well, a bit pants, aren’t they? 1.00 Model Behaviour Late Night TV Amy re-enters the room and beats TV Alex into a bloody pulp. That’ll learn yer, you little shite. 1.00 Model Behaviour Late Night 1.55 Late-Night Poker 2.50 FILM: Parakh

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 Wild Planet 6.35 Wild Planet 7.00 Sunrise 8.00 Shake! 8.05 Tintin 8.30 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.55 Dan Dare 9.30 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.25 Audrey and Friends 11.35 Atlantis High Oh, thank fuck. Have just switched Moyles off and found a PJ Harvey CD to play instead. Mental equilibrium is restored - or, given that it’s PJ Harvey, maybe not.

12.10 The Edit ...it happens when you make tasteless and offensive jokes about Holly and Jessica in the TV listings, as they’ll get censored. Your morals are being protected, children. 12.45 Popular 1.40 Harry and Cosh 2.10 Our Hero 2.40 Pop 3.10 Home and Away Omnibus This still exists?

Well, well. You learn something new every day. 5.15 FILM: Krull 7.10 Charmed 8.00 Dark Angel 8.50 five news and sport 9.05 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.00 Law and Order 11.00 The Shield Anyone watched this to see if it is actually good? My life is too busy to waste watching TV. 11.55 Murder Detectives: The Blood Trail 12.25 Major League Baseball: World Series - Game One 4.20 Lexx 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Moto GP: Australia

Saturday 19 October

elevision

GRiP

22

Tuesday 22 October BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 Viva S Club 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Byker Grove Hells Angel’s arse?

5.35 Neighbours Susan finds herself dreaming about a midget who talks backwards, “Killer Bob” is still at large.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy “Lame academy” - Sardonicdesk 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Wild West 9.30 Linda Green 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 FILM: Smokey and the Bandit III12.30 Sign Zone: Fame, Set and Match 1.30 Sign Zone: The Life Laundry 2.00 Sign Zone: What the Tudors Did for Us 2.30 Sign Zone 2.40 Sign 3.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 6.30 My Favourite Things 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Blue Peter 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Fame Academy 8.05 Dennis the Menace 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 Pack 'Em and Stack 'Em 9.25 Looney Tunes 9.30 Arthur v UBOS 10.00 Looney Tunes 10.05 Arthur v UBOS 10.30 Bill and Ben 10.40 Fimbles 11.00 Tweenies 11.25 Pingu 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 FILM: The Siege of Sidney Street 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link With Anne “Ballcrusher” Robinson.

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 6.45 Star Trek 7.30 Small Town 8.00 Allies at War 8.50 Great Britons 10.00 The Booker Prize 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Great Britons Collection 11.50 The Witness Eyewitness 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 Breaking the Seal 1.00 The Glastonbury Tales 1.30 Church and Mosque Istanbul 2.00 Secondary Schools

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 The Queen's Nose 4.55 Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.35 Bloomers Best Bits 7.55 The National Lottery 8.00 Animal Hospital 8.30 Fawlty Towers 9.00 Human Instinct 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 High Hopes 11.05 Les Miserables Goes To China 11.55 FILM: Bad to the Bone 1.30 Antiques Roadshow Watchdog 2.45 Panorama

6.00 Picasso's Guernica 6.30 Chardin and the Still Life 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Smurfs' Adventures 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Fame Academy 8.05 Dennis the Menace 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 Pack 'Em and Stack 'Em 9.25 Looney Tunes 9.30 Stacey Stone v So Little Time 10.00 Looney Tunes 10.05 Stacey Stone v So Little Time 10.30 64 Zoo Lane 10.40 Fimbles 11.00 Tweenies 11.25 Pingu 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Yoho Ahoy 1.15 FILM: What a Carve Up! 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News and Weather 4.00 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 6.45 Star Trek 7.30 Shoppers in the Wild 8.00 The Life 9.00 Tipping the Velvet 10.00 The Royle Family 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Great Britons 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 Renaissance Secrets 1.00 At Home 1.30 the Story of Adeline Yen Mah 2.00 Secondary Schools

Murder, She Wrote BBC1 2.40pm

Full Metal Jacket C5 10pm

ITV 1 6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.05 Never Had It So Good 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 Jungle Run 4.35 Becoming 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live: Arsenal v Auxerre: Can anyone stop the gunners and wipe the smile off Sportsdesk’s Mr T? (Now officially called SmugGoonerdesk) 9.50 The Frank Skinner A quote from David Baddiel on Frank, “ I always think his head looks more complete with a flatcap”.

10.40 ITV News 11.10 The Sketch Show 11.40 Champions League Highlights Spartak Moscow v Liverpool and Arsenal v Auxerre.

12.40 Strictly Soho 1.05 The Machine 1.30 Champions League: Spartak Moscow v Liverpool 3.10 World Sport 3.35 World Football 4.00 Entertainment Now!

S4C

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Hang Time 9.25 Popworld 9.55 Taina 10.25 Futurama 11.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 12.00 Don Roaming 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 12.45 Sam Tan 1.00 Caio 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Building the Biggest 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Mot a Tom 4.15 Planed Plant: Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 4.40 Planed Plant: Gogs 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Dudley Cookery Thankfully not about the chomping habits of West Mids. folk. I lived with one, it ain’t a pretty sight 8.30 Y Byd Ar Bedwar 9.30 From House to Home 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.30 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors 11.35 Scrubs 12.05 The Private Lives of Pompeii 1.35 Frasier 2.05 Frasier

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Danielle Steel's Changes 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: A Walk in the Clouds 10.00 FILM: Full Metal Jacket Best war film ever? 2nd behind Apocalypse Now I reckon. “What is your major malfunction Private TV Amy?” “Carpet munching”- A voice in the distance.

12.15 Major League Baseball: World Series Game Three 4.45 Rally UK 5.10 Drag Racing I’m doing my best to break up Alex and Amy’s “bitchfest”.Christ, am I the only hetro here? Maybe if talk about football really loud......

ITV 1

S4C

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Popstars Extra 12.30 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.05 Never Had It So Good 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Engie Benjy 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.05 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.35 24Seven 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Mr Right Presented by, ironies of ironies, Swedish slapper pro Ulrika Jonson.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Real Bad Girls Fly-on-thewall footage of Gemma kicking my chair and generally bullying her way around the GR office.

11.00 Champions League Highlights Newcastle v Juventus and Olympiakos v Manchester United. Phil Neville, one of football great entertainers...

12.00 FILM: Throw Momma from the Train 1.30 Champions League: Olympiakos v Manchester United 3.05 Coach 3.30 International Motor Racing 3.55 Get Stuffed

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Hang Time 9.25 Popworld 9.55 Taina 10.25 Futurama 11.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 12.00 Don Roaming 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Scrapheap Challenge 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Popty 4.15 Planed Plant: Hanesion Hyll 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Llygaid Llundain 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Ar y Bocs 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Grand Designs 10.00 From House to Home 10.30 Brookside Ha-ha, the axe for you! Annoying scousers. Be gone from my TV! 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.40 Ally McBeal 12.35 Sex and the City 1.15 Will and Grace 1.45 The Best of TV Go Home 2.15 FILM: Seema With Nutan.

Ho-hum, Alex and Amy are harping on Courtney Love now, “look, save it for your WI meetings”- says I.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Circle of Deceit 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 The First Pompeii 10.00 Bi-Curious Girls I’ve noticed a strong link betwwen alcohol and women snogging if that helps. Shit, I bet TV Amy has written something highly offensive about me on this prog. for last week. She’s such a cow, it’s all lies...honest.

11.00 Law and Order 12.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 12.30 Major League Baseball: World Series - Game Four 4.30 Dutch Football: Vitesse v Feyenoord She said I smelled last week. It’s not true, I wash on an almost daily basis, I’ve been described as well groomed - once.

Wednesday 23 October

23

GRiP

Thursday 24 October BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Mummy 4.25 Looney Tunes 4.30 Call the Shots 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Byker Grove Mukasa, Bradley, Stumpy and Anjali throw message bottles off Millennium Bridge to remember their loved ones. Which works how? Dumb fuckers. 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Max gets to grips with fatherhood. An incestuous ‘fnarr’ for Max, then.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders Sonia and Jamie look to the future. And find nothing but visions of grease and lard. 8.00 My Family 8.30 Changing Rooms Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen comes up with a look combining `sporty urban bachelor with Mr Darcy'.

Don’t get too excited, Amy. 9.00 Crimewatch UK 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Crimewatch UK Update 10.45 Question Time 11.45 Dragon's Eye 12.15 FILM: A Cry in the Dark 2.15 Sign Zone: Holiday: You Call the Shots 2.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Catalysts against Pollution 6.30 The Wheels of Innovation 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Blue Peter 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.05 Dennis the Menace 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 CBBC Pack 'Em and Stack 'Em 9.25 Looney Tunes 9.30 Taz-Mania v Yvon of the Yukon 10.00 Looney Tunes 10.05 Taz-Mania v Yvon of the Yukon 10.30 Andy Pandy 10.40 Fimbles 11.00 Tweenies 11.25 Pingu 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies 1.10 FILM: One Good Turn 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Showtime Wales 8.00 Home Front in the Garden 8.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 9.00 Wild New World: Edge of the Ice 9.50 Look around You 10.00 The League of Gentlemen 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 America's Cup 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 Open Science 1.05 Lab Detectives 1.25 The Next Big Thing 2.00 The Sunbaskers 2.30 The Chemistry of Survival 3.00 Venus Unveiled 3.30 Curriculum Development 4.00 Espana Viva 9-10 5.00 Working in Construction

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Popstars Extra 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.05 Never Had It So Good 2.30 Soft Sell 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Brilliant Creatures 4.05 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.35 Harry and the Wrinklies 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Syd makes headway with Angie. Fnarr-o-rama! 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Tarrant on TV 11.30 From War to Westminster 12.00 Barry Welsh Is Coming 12.30 Night and Day 1.25 ITV at the Festivals 2002 2.20 Joe Strummer - In Profile Maybe it will answer the perennial question of why someone who fronted one of the best bands ever now spends his days making listless faux-world music shit. I’m still gonna listen to London Calling when I get home though. And so should you all. 2.45 Mixmasters 3.10 Cybernet 3.35 Motorsport UK 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Connor asks Libby to become his tutor. *raises eyebrow* Tutor in what, precisely? 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Jamie's advert appears in the Walford Gazette. Presumably selling all the grease he’s been able to wring out of his hair as fuel. 8.30 Fame Academy Shania Twain is on hand to offer advice. They’ll probably take it, too. 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Mike Doyle 11.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.50 FILM: The Big Hit 1.20 FILM: The Sorcerers 2.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Arch Never Sleeps 6.30 Out of the Blue? 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Call the Shots 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.05 Dennis the Menace 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 CBBC Pack 'Em and Stack 'Em 9.25 Looney Tunes 9.30 Big Kids v The Story of Tracey Beaker 10.00 Looney Tunes 10.05 Big Kids v The Story of Tracey Beaker 10.30 Bob the Builder 10.40 Fimbles 11.00 Tweenies 11.25 Pingu 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies 1.10 Yoho Ahoy 1.15 The Phil Silvers Show 1.40 FILM: Love on the Dole 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Scrum V Live 9.00 Great Britons 10.00 Gardeners' World 10.30 Newsnight 11.35 Later with Jools Holland 12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.20 FILM: Oh, What a Night 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: AS Guru: English 1 4.00 AS Guru: General Studies 1

Have I Got News For You BBC1 9.30pm

S4C

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Hang Time 9.25 Popworld 9.55 Taina 10.25 Futurama 11.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 12.00 Don Roaming 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Plismon Puw 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Gwib 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Criw Babalw 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Howard Goodall's Great Dates 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Noc Noc 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Dudley 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Siopa Byw 8.30 Bob a'i Fam 9.00 Cof Patagonia 9.30 Forever Summer with Nigella 10.00 Brookside Ali and Stuart prove a handful for Debbie.

I’m sure she has big enough hands, though - fnarr! 10.30 V Graham Norton CUNT! 11.05 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 12.05 Model Behaviour 12.35 Alias 1.30 FILM: They Who Dare 3.30 5 Nations Karting 3.55 Quest for the Lost City

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Escape to Mindanao 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Hayley finds herself in an inexplicable situation. That’d be why she appears to be in a low-rent version of Neighbours watched by approximately two people, then.

Get out of it, girl, before it’s too late. You saw what happened to Dannii Minogue. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 7.35 Live Football 10.00 FILM: Code of Silence Some US cop shit.

Imagine, you could kill everyone involved in this film and it’d be no great loss to the world. 12.00 Major League Baseball: World Series - Game Five 4.30 Major League Soccer - Cup Final

ITV 1

S4C

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Popstars Extra 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.05 Never Had It So Good 2.30 HTV Wales News Extra 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Art Attack 4.10 As Told by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Celebrity Fit Club Ann Widdecombe is persuaded onto a trampoline. Please don’t tell me that she’ll be bouncing around on our TV screens. Disturbing wobbly scenes ahoy. 9.00 FILM: Die Hard 2 11.15 ITV Weekend News 11.45 The Pop Factory 12.15 Veronica's Closet 12.50 Dial-aDate 1.20 Turks 2.10 Entertainment Now! 2.35 Sinead O'Connor: In Profile Sinead O’Connor is an absolute legend.

Pity that the people who produce her albums seem to be intent on turning her into MOR shite. 3.00 Today with Des and Mel 3.55 World Football 4.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.45 Get Stuffed 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Hang Time 9.25 Popworld 9.55 Taina 10.25 Futurama 11.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 12.00 Don Roaming 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.00 Pet Rescue 1.25 Fifteen to One 1.55 Countdown 2.40 Channel 4 attheraces from Newbury 3.45 Postmodern Pastimes 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.35 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De 8.30 Cefn Gwlad: John Felingwm 9.00 Driven Can you buy a car for 500 pounds and drive non-stop to the Sahara? Who gives a fuck? 9.30 Friends Does anyone watch this any more? I just amuse myself with videos of back When It Was Good. 10.00 Brookside Vaguely heard that this might be axed. It’ll be missed by no-one. 10.35 V Graham Norton CUNT! 11.05 The Q Awards The award show for Travis and Dido fans. Coffee tables may feature heavily. 12.05 Model Behaviour 12.35 This Is So Solid Shit documentary, increasingly selfparodic band, good tunes. Oxide & Neutrino are much better on their own though. 1.35 FILM: Dangerous Game 3.35 Brazilian Championship Football

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Anything to Survive 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Mapping Murder: Crime and Motion Fuck all on this channel tonight, so here’s pointing you towards Jools Holland on BBC2. It features appearances from Paul Weller, Queens of the Stone Age, Orchestra Baobab and Beth Gibbons. Respectively: tosser who’s outgrown any use he may have once had; awesome, awesome band; intriguing; a woman who brings tears to even hard-hearted TV Desk’s eyes with the sheer beauty of her voice. Looks like a good one tonight then! 8.30 Britain's Worst Driver 9.00 A Mind to Kill 10.55 FILM: Wild Orchid 2 12.55 FILM: Zero Effect 2.50 FILM: Miracles 4.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

Friday 25 October

Television

BBC 1

The Weakest Link BBC2 5.15pm

Focus

gair rhydd features section Free Word no.728 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

14 10 02

It’s Been Emotional A professional footballer, a much sought after film star, he even enjoys a game of tennis with his neighbour, Pete Sampras. Abbi Shaw takes a look at the talented Mr. Jones

B

eing Welsh, as many of you will have noticed, has become something of a fashion accessory in recent years. People are queuing up to be claimed as part of the awfully titled “Cool Cymru” scene and everyone from Elvis to Kylie has been rumoured to have some form of Welsh connection. However, even when being Welsh meant you were something of an object of ridicule anywhere far from the borders, Vinnie Jones clung solidly to his roots and, despite sounding more London than most of the cast of Eastenders, captained the Welsh football team on several occasions. In an attempt to find out exactly how Welsh the once hard man of football, now turned hard man of Hollywood actually is (and to see if we could pick up any celebrity news), Features went a bit Arts and attended Cardiff’s St. David’s Hall to enjoy An Audience With Vinnie Jones.

The evening began rather frighteningly with Vinnie bursting onto a set intended to resemble some seedy casino street in the dark areas of LA, dressed wonderfully in a long black smoking jacket, complete with waistcoat and stylish two-tone shoes. He then proceeded to sing – yes, sing – a track from the Blues Brothers. Obviously not content with having excelled as a footballer, starring in blockbuster films with John Travolta, Nicholas Cage, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and being mates with Guy Ritchie and Madonna, Jones has decided to further his options by releasing an album. More on this later, as we then settled back to hear a biographical and anecdotal account of Vinnie’s life to date, and a strange story it is as well, moving from London, to Wales, to London, to America, and encompassing more highs and lows than swear words.

Born in January 1965 in Watford, Jones displayed streaks of his future self when, as a football-crazy nine-year-old (with, incidentally, a fascination for the story of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) he threatened to burn down his school. In order to remedy this, he was invited to play for the school football team, an opportunity that took him through to a local side. The next few years were difficult for Vinnie, as he moved away from his family home with his father, following the separation of his parents, and dropped out of school, doing manual labour to support himself. He moved around from one family friend to another, trying to settle, but it wasn’t until he was playing for Wealdstone, a Gola League level team that things began to fall into place. The Gola League took him to Sweden, where he was about to sign for Djurgaarden, the Swedish equivalent of Manchester United, when he was handed an invitation to play for Wimbledon. continued...

FocusFocusFocusFocus INSIDE FOCUS THIS WEEK: War is still bad, Popstars is still great, the awesome Voxpop returns

gair rhydd 14 10 02

14 • Focus from front page... thought that Jones would agree to do the part, much less to be For those of you who never noticed English football in the capable of the acting skills it required, and only contacted him on eighties, the idea of playing for Wimbledon may not sound too the off-chance, prompting surprise all round when he agreed to the enthralling, but back then, the entertainingly monickered “Crazy role. The first scene filmed for Lock Stock was the one in which Gang” were actually rather good. So good in fact, that they took Big Chris rather brutally murders a character by slamming his the FA Cup in 1988, in a shock win over the almighty Liverpool. head in a car door. The scene was filmed with a plank of wood in Jones played for the club for three seasons before taking a quick place of said head, and when Ritchie finally yelled “Cut!” the tour of British football clubs, including a season at Leeds (where crew stared blankly at Jones, before bursting into spontaneous he became somewhat unpopular after an incident in which, in applause. Jones had, apparently, pulled off a great, emotional Vinnie’s words, “This journalist threw his nose in my mouth, performance, and indeed it is one of the most notable scenes, in a unfortunately just as I was closing it…”) and spells at Sheffield film that has no bad scenes at all. Lock Stock went from strength United and Chelsea, before deciding that Wimbledon were best to strength, establishing Ritchie as a great director, reviving the after all, and returning as their captain in 1993.

British gangster genre and catching the attention of one John Perhaps of most interest to local readers, Jones decided, when Travolta, who immediately requested that Jones be given a part in his football was at national level, that it was Wales that he would his new film, Swordfish. This all went rather well, and although play for rather than the land of his clubs and life up until that point. Swordfish was not exactly the hit it should have been, it certainly I had been interested to hear his didn’t harm Vinnie’s career, reasons for this, hoping that it and furthermore, it gave him wasn’t the “I’d rather be a koi the Hollywood experience he We could deduce only that he carp in a goldfish bowl than a furthered in Gone in Sixty minnow in a lake” kind of Seconds. Vinnie sadly had had at least a Welsh greatreasoning that I have been given to few amusing anecdotes about expect from people who could the stars he has worked with grandfather, who would “have play for England and choose not – apparently these tales of big to. But, in fact, Vinnie was a little actors having their own turned in his grave if a member portable villages on film more vague on the subject. We could deduce only that he had at locations, and being driven least a Welsh great-grandfather, of his family played for England” on and off set every two who would “have turned in his minutes are actually true - in grave if a member of his family the Hollywood life, there is played for England”, which perhaps is reason enough and perhaps little chance to “get in” with the big guys. Not that this has harmed is a little more dubious than those Welsh people who wish to claim Jones – his friendship with Ritchie and producer Matthew Vaughn him as one of their own would like. Nonetheless, Jones holds nine has led to a great piece of acting in Ritchie’s Snatch as the hitman caps for Wales, and unexpectedly captained the side against Bullet Tooth Tony, and, in my opinion, his best work so far as the Holland. lead role of ex-England (apparently Jones tried to insist the However, despite his successes, Vinnie’s personal life was on character was Welsh but failed to impress Vaughn) captain Danny the rocks. His bad boy reputation had earned him some extremely Meehan in the wonderful Mean Machine. derogatory press, and he became depressed and experienced the This talk brings us up to date with Jones and his career, except beginning of a nervous breakdown. At his very lowest, he for this album. You just don’t expect an ex-footballer and hard wandered into the woods with his shotgun, and put the barrel to man-style actor to prance around in two-tone shoes, singing. It his head. Before he could pull the trigger though, he was pounced does work though. Jones could even be the flipside of an older upon by his dog, which had followed him from the house. In that Robbie Williams. I await the album with some interest and second of confusion, Vinnie changed his mind. He went back to bemusement as, whilst Jones has so much stage presence that he his family, by now consisting of wife Tanya, and children Aaron could wail as tunelessly as he likes and still receive a great round and Kayley, and resolved to make a few changes to his life and of applause, I’m not sure how effective this will be on record. attitude. Looking at him on stage, slightly choked as one would be The most confusing thing about Vinnie Jones that emerged when describing such events in one’s life, you can’t help but think during the evening was that it is extremely difficult to know what he’s done pretty well for himself since that day. to make of him. He comes across as extremely unpleasant and Let’s face it, in these days, when we think of Vinnie Jones, it’s extremely lovely, in equal portions. In my brief meeting with him not generally for any of his footballing achievements, and it’s after the show, he was charming, attractive (an adjective I’d never certainly not for being Welsh. When wannabe director Guy previously thought to apply to him) and displayed the best Ritchie penned the screenplay for his debut, Lock Stock and Two handshake I have ever had. All the same, you wouldn’t want to Smoking Barrels, he wanted “a Vinnie Jones type” to play the make him angry. And I dread to think what he might have done to straight-talking, hardhitting debt collector Big Chris. He never me if I’d said I was a journalist…

Not in My Name

As Messers Bush and Blair try to lead the world to war, Sarah Ross travels to London to let them know that not everyone is happy

O

n September 28 below a cloudy London sky 150-400,000 people decided to take to the streets to use their democratic right to free speech.

The Stop the War Coalition March – from Embankment to Hyde Park – was a chance for the otherwise powerless to create a united voice against a seemingly unjust war.

It was a march for peace and democracy and was undoubtedly about the sanctity of life. There is no more powerful an image than that of a dead child and this picture was emblazoned upon many banners. Essentially that was why what John Pilger, described as “the democratic mainstream”, took to the streets, for the very reason that innocent lives would be lost.

This rally was not just filled with the Guardian reading supporters of CND, and the usual left-wing suspects, this was a march that saw many different members of society joined under the one banner of peace. The fact that this anti war demonstration was one of the biggest ever seen is indicative of the feelings of many in this country. Blair’s dossier detailing Hussein’s “Weapons of Mass Destruction” left these people unconvinced as to the questionable nature of this war. If it had been more convincing then maybe many of the marchers would have stayed at home.

Anti-war sentiments began to swell shortly after the horrific events of September 11. Many felt that the “War against Terror” was the violent knee jerk reaction of a deeply wounded country.

However, many who saw some reason in the war in Afghanistan can see no real reason why the Iraqi people should suffer for the foolish acts of others. The search for Osama Bin Laden continues but no one is really sure where he is.

Prompting the question is the war on Iraq simply a matter of smoke and mirrors, deflecting the

fact that they have failed to find him? Or is it more about family and, ironically, blood ties or perhaps oil? According to the New York Times, Bush was said to have described Hussein as “a guy who tried to kill my dad” making one wonder if this is more about parental legacies than eventual world peace.

Of course, no one is saying that Saddam Hussein is a spearhead of justice, democracy and morality. If you looked into Hussein’s human rights record you might stop breathing for its atrocities. However, are not the conditions of a country, already run into the ground, going to worsen due to the bombings and causalities that will be helpless due to crippling sanctions?

Hussein is not the leader of choice. He does need to go, but they could not get him out last time, what will be so different now? He is said to have a number of look a-likes, an idea borrowed from Communist Russia, could this war deteriorate, into an elaborate game of guess who?

In the same way that the people on Saturday’s march did not condone the actions of Hussein, they certainly did not support the ownership of weapons of mass destruction. There is one key question that needs to be asked; which is the only country to have dropped an atomic bomb in a war situation? Answers on a postcard please! If Iraq does have such dangerous weapons then they do need to be stopped, but there is no real

evidence they do, nor that they would or could use them.

Glaswegian Labour backbencher George Galloway said that the recently revealed love affair between John Major and Edwina Currie had nothing on the one between Bush and Blair.

The claims that Blair had become Bush’s poodle had stuck and this image endured on many thousand t-shirts. It is with wild eyes that Blair may follow Bush into war and possible world economic crisis. It is said that the Dossier produced was written by Americans in America.

Do the British people not feel that the U.S. point of view may be slightly biased? Blair was a very unpopular figure on this march. At the Labour Conference in Blackpool he said I’ve lost my

There is one key question: which is the only country to have dropped an atomic bomb in a war situation? love of popularity for its own sake.” Or is it that popularity has lost its love for him?

Many people did not turn up to this march because they felt their voice would go unheard.

It is likely that the war will go ahead (The United States and Britain have just turned down a deal for the re-entry of weapons inspectors) but is this not a reason to speak out. Despite Blair’s claims that popularity for its own sake no longer interests him, civil unrest might. Bastian of the anti-war movement, Tony Benn, rallied the marchers, calling for “Non violent resistance to the government”. October 31 has been cited as the day of where colleges and public buildings will be occupied with anti-war feeling. If this is successful it will further get this anti-war sentiment across whilst allowing people to speak out. Although the anti-war movement may not stop the war it does have other positive effects.

The demonstrations do show that amidst the war mongering and terrible and patronising mutterings of collateral damage there is a chance for peace as long as there are those who are still willing to search for it.

Focus • 13

16 • Focus

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gair rhydd 14 10 02

Pop Scene: Hear’Say split, shame...

Abbi Shaw looks at the end of the road for the pop band we all loved to hate

J

ust when we were getting over the shock and trauma of the demise of Steps, and heartbreak of When Paul Left S Club, we must once more don our black clothing and shed a brief but concentrated tear for those tortured souls from Hear’Say, whose lack of credibility has forced their immediate musical cessation.

Obviously it’s hard being a popstar, making money, being dressed up continuously and gaining entry to the kind of places us mortals can only dream of blagging our way into, but where Hear’Say are concerned, it’s been even harder. The problem with

the Popstars of old, from which the band were formed, is that we were given to believe that this was our band, that we made them famous and therefore they owed us something in return. We wanted sexy people, scandalous stories, good songs – some kind of repayment for our voting them into instant fame. We got five painfully, tragically dull people. They looked nice, they sang reasonable songs, they danced well. But they had no spark. We were bored in seconds. Kids liked them and their chart success is a reflection of the quantity of disposable income the pre-teen age group has. But

Myleene and Suzanne unleash the puppies

Fried gold T

The fortnight’s cultural highlights by Daniel Barnes

Are you local?

he most exciting televisual feast we have had to gorge ourselves on has been the third series of The League of Gentlemen. Bafta to these four most excellent men, who have once again managed to take horror, drama and absurdity and craft it in to comedy.

The untimely death of Edward and Tubbs has not damaged the story as much as we thought it might. Damon Albarn once said that “practise doesn’t make perfect when you’re interbreeding”, and Dyson, Gatis, Pemberton and Sheersmith prove this. The residents of Royston Vasey are still as painfully, incestuously local as ever. The new format of focusing on one story each week, only intermittently interspersed with sketches that provide light relief from the ever complex storylines, are quickly developing. The League of Gentlemen is the new EastEnders – all the drama you’ll ever need, and all the comedy you need to help you through these ever-darkening winter days.

I am not Dave Gorman, are you?

T

us older people, the students and the executives in the city, saw through the whole thing. Being liked by this section of society is what makes a pop group cool, a phenomenon demonstrated perfectly by the reaction of regular Lash-goers every time Reach is played in our union, or by the amount of people that actually make an effort to be conscious on Saturday mornings to watch Viva! S Club (or maybe that’s just me). Anyhow, Hear’Say never managed to buy into that scene. They bypassed street cred for high street, and sadly that’s what happens when advertising and ITV pay your wages. Thus it was that daily ridicule from their contemporaries (note the reaction of students when informed that the group would head the summer ball if you need an example) pushed them into the decision to call it a day.

So what hope for the winners of Popstars: The Rivals? Will they go down the same path of popularity with eight-year-olds and peltings with rotten fruit from students? I would hope not, but there seems little we can do to prevent this happening. Can you remember the names of any of the twenty selected for our approval? This is why Pop Idols worked, and Will (and, sadly, it seems Gareth too) will have longer lasting fame. One person’s name and personality is infinitely easier to digest than five. At least with …Rivals we have some further element of competition with the boy and girl band – basically it’s Pete and his mysterious secretary against Louis and the wonderful Geri, and this should be a showdown worth watching. I wish them all luck and coolness, but I can’t help but believe that the more widely talented, more personable cast of Fame Academy will be the real winners of the genre. I’d love it if someone one managed to write, play and sing their own song got the Christmas number one.

his fortnight saw the dramatic conclusion of Dave Gorman’s Important Astrology Experiment. It was with some elation that he managed to prove that following your horoscope does significantly improve the quality of your life.

There was a fried gold moment of dramatic tension as the graph teetered on the edge of the triangle of gloom, but then, after a miracle gambling win, he zoomed into the triangle of delight. Science triumphed once again.

The most remarkable thing about this series is that it proceeded in the perfect spirit of science, complete with a panel of experts, graphs, a control experiment, and a specially developed decimal system of gladness where one happy is equivalent to one pound sterling (that’s approximately 1.7 Euros).

On the panel was This Morning’s Denise Robertson, who did nothing but disparage and deride young Mr Gorman with everything he did, but her unpleasantness was neatly cancelled out by the unrelenting – and constantly surprising – optimism of economist Alvin Hall. And of course Dr Hilary Jones was a sweetheart, trying his best to be professional, even though he was obviously being dragged into a farce.

Whilst Gorman got paid to sing the national anthem backwards in Covent Garden, and we at home laughed the night away at his antics, no one gave a second thought to his long-suffering girlfriend. At the end of the series, she was eventually shown losing her temper and revealing to us all that Gorman might be a nice boy, but he is inconsiderate and often thoughtless. Which is a shame.

Hopefully, he will return to our screens , but not before he has salvaged his relationship with his girlfriend.

T

Shame Academy

he BBC’s answer to Popstars, Fame Academy, eventually opened its already tired doors to twelve young hopefuls who just better be talented because they sure as hell aren’t attractive.

This is a programme that we lovingly and trustingly bought from the Spanish.

They use the idea to decide who is going to write and perform their Eurovision entry, so that tells you just about all you need to know about it. But hopefully the BBC are going to make a real effort to torture these kids into producing something reasonable. The most amusing way to do it is to make them suffer like they do on Fit Club. Drive the spirit of Dionysius into them, and they can’t do anything but excel.

No doubt that despite all our scepticism we will become obsessed by this programme and report on it every week. It’s just a shame that the nice Scottish boy called David didn’t get in to the wonderous Fame Academy .

By the time they are well on their way to making music, we will probably be well on our way to popular culture apoplexy, drowning as we are in reality TV and programmes which employ members of the public to embarrass themselves.

Naomi: smaller puppies but cuter...

©2002 KPMG LLP, a UK limited liability partnership and the UK member firm of KPMG International, a Swiss nonoperating association. All rights reserved

Every day will be different.

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KPMG’s No Bull Presentation.

Monday 28 October 2002 at 6.30pm. The Hilton, Kingsway, Cardiff

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Monday 14 October / SPORT Page 21

James reflects on flawless one day side Interview by Sports Editor, David Williams FOLLOWING GLAMORGAN’S dramatic one-day Championship success, captain Steve James still has vivid memories of the four-run win over Kent that clinched the title.

"It was a nightmare for me," said James. "It was probably the most nerve-racking afternoon of my life. I was always confident the boys could do it, even if the people weren’t."After a 74 from Michael Powell and contributions from Adrian Dale, Matthew Maynard and David Harrison in the middle-order, the Glamorgan bowlers gave nothing away.

When Kent’s Paul Nixon was run-out in the last over, Mike Kasprowicz held his nerve to secure the county’s fourth piece of silverware in just under a decade.

Despite not playing at Canterbury, ironically the place where Glamorgan won the Sunday League in 1993, James has led the county through an almost flawless one-day season. And he was quick to praise the whole team’s efforts.

"People have contributed at the right times. When somebody has needed to take responsibility there’s always been one person willing to do that."

James, though, dismissed any comparison between the 1993 Championship-winning

Kasprowicz held his nerve with the bat to clinch the titile

side and the present team.

‘One-day cricket has changed so much since ’93, it’s difficult to compare.

That was a unique occasion because it was those two sides going for the title in the last game of the season."

However, he does recognise the importance that the younger players have had on the team, as himself, Maynard, Dale and Robert Croft did nearly a decade ago.

"We’ve got youngsters like Ian Thomas, Mark Wallace and David Harrison. They’re experiencing that sort of success for the first time, it’s up to them to carry that on."

Although they excelled in the one-day league, Glamorgan’s form in the County Championship was less than inspiring: finishing fifth of the nine teams in division two, falling way short of the promotion places.

"Our Championship form has been very disappointing.

We haven’t batted well enough as a unit. We’ve still got a problem with the other opening spot."

There were positives though that came out of the County Championship, in the form of wicket-keeper Mark Wallace and new England bowler Simon Jones, both of whom went to the ECB Academy last Winter, and which James was

pleased with.

"The Academy helped both of them. They both came back much-improved cricketers.

Some of Simon Jones’ early season bowling was an eye opener. He’s bowling very quickly and doing that consistently."

With an exciting Ashes tour in prospect for Jones,

Glamorgan and James could have a world-class fast bowler in their ranks for the 2003 season and an improvement in their first-class form.

"That was our stated aim this year so nothing will change next year. We won’t be neglecting one-day cricket because we’ve got a title to defend."

Glamorgan captain James

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Monday 14 October / SPORT Page 22

FIA to steer F1 from procession Report by Matt Greenhill

AS THE 2002 season draws to a close and Michael Schumacher is left to once again collect the honours, a dark cloud hangs over the ailing head of Formula One. What was once the worlds’ most high-octane, dramatic and adrenaline rushing sport has now descended into a predictable farce whereby Schumacher is king and reigns supreme with the rest of the grid acting as mere extras to the Schumacher show.

With a record breaking season so far of 10 victories in 16 races and finishing on the podium in every round, Schumacher has not merely beat the opposition but has quite simply trounced them and romped to a recordequalling fifth World Crown.

The irony of this situation is that the enigmatic and charismatic Schumacher who once brought so much appeal

to Formula One with his controversial race track tactics and supreme driving skill is now responsible for the sport’s rapid decline.

Quite simply, people are bored of Schumacher’s scarlet Ferrari galloping to victory only to then be followed by his team-mate Rubens Barrichello.

In one of the few sports that can regularly receive global viewing figures to match those of the World Cup or Olympics, this year has seen audiences in Britain plummet to an all-time low which has culminated in the sport’s organisers putting forward the controversial proposals of handicapping any dominant team or driver.

Last week the chief of Formula One Bernie Ecclestone and the Head of the FIA Max Mosley laid out revolutionary new plans to all competing teams in Formula One which could put the brakes on Michael

Will adding weight penalties break Schumacher’s dominance?

Schumacher and Ferrari as soon as next season.

In these plans were the discussion of the possible introduction of a handicapping system which would see a car be forced to carry extra kilos of weight above the 600-kilo regulation maximum if a driver built up a substantial lead in the Championship.

Nothing is official, but it is widely thought that for each point a driver is deemed to have too great a lead then a kilo of extra weight will be added, which could slow a car by about 0.3 sec a lap, a significant index in the world of Formula One. Other measures to make the sport a lot closer competitively and more popular include a limit on the number of aerodynamic changes that can be made in a season, a severe curb on the amount of time and money spent on testing and restrictions on the amount of engines a team can use over a certain number of races.

Such implementations have been viewed as bold but equally necessary in a climate where not only is the sport’s popularity suffering but where many of the competing teams are suffering financially because of escalating costs.

Casualties can already be mentioned in conjunction with this financial crisis as the Prost team went bust last season and would appear to be soon followed by the Arrows and possibly Minardi teams.

Indeed, it seems the troubled ground that Formula One finds itself is worrying to those involved in all aspects of the sport and desperate times have called for desperate measures.

"We have to improve the show and reduce the costs if teams and,

Old guns show there’s no substitute for experience Report by Daniel Evans

THE footballing marathon that is The Champions League is under way once more, and has seen mixed fortunes for the quartet of English challengers.

Extending their form from the Premiership, Arsenal have begun their European campaign in sublime fashion.

Despite a poor record on their European travels in recent seasons, Arsenal followed up their 2-0 home victory against German champions Borussia Dortmund with a four-goal demolition of PSV Eindhoven in Holland.

Henry: The only way is up

Another tricky away tie, in Auxerre, was won by a strike from Gilberto Silva who has slotted perfectly into the centre of midfield this season.

It was his second goal in the competition. The first against PSV broke yet another record for Arsenal: the fastest goal in Champions League history after just 20 seconds.

Sitting at the top of Group A with maximum points and an unblemished defensive record, Arsenal look sure to cruise into phase two, where the return of world-class midfielder Robert Pires will further increase the Gunners' firepower.

Manchester United have entered the mid-phase break in a similar position with three straight victories.

The nine goals United have tallied in their thrashings of Maccabi Haifa and Olympiakos have seemingly erased any memory of their goal drought at the start of the Premiership season.

The return to form of Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes and Ruud Van Nistlerooy has sparked a return to the free-flowing football that has become synonymous with the team.

Ferguson described the 4-0 trouncing of Olympiakos as "the best we have played".

The battling qualities that brought United numerous titles also seem to be back.

When they lost the attacking spearhead of Ruud Van Nistlerooy at half time in Leverkusen they ground out a 2-1 victory over the team that knocked them out last year.

There is bad news for United however. A knee operation for record signing Rio Ferdinand is likely to rule him out for the remainder of phase one.

Liverpool's start to their European crusade is reminiscent of last season.

After losing 2-0 in Valencia and squandering numerous opportunities at home to Basle, the Reds had only one point in Group B. Midfielder Danny Murphy's assertion that Liverpool have "discovered more flair and freedom" in their play this season, proved true when Spartak Moscow visited Anfield.

There was no sign of the defensive jitters that have haunted manager Gerard Houllier in several Premiership games this season. Emile Heskey's brace helped Liverpool to a 5-0 victory in a clinical performance characteristic of a team riding high in the

eventually, the sport are going to survive as we know it now", admitted Mosley.

"We have radical ideas to make the spectacle more exciting and save costs on a massive scale… it is that urgent and that important," he added.

Inevitably such proposals will not go down well in all corners of the paddock, Scumacher and Ferrari especially.

However, whilst it is possible to empathise with the Italian outfit who would surely feel penalised and aggrieved for nothing but their hard work and superior performances, the reality is that Formula One is a sport to which the element of competition is a fundamental principal which unfortunately has been vacant for too long.

The next few months will represent a crucial period for the whole of Formula One as the world’s most expensive travelling circus aims to be put back on the road to recovery.

Undoubtedly many discussions will be made by

“If he wins by this much we’ll tie his shoe laces together” Ecclestone, Mosley and all of the Formula One teams in an attempt to reach a consensus on these proposed changes.

For the cynics amongst us however, perhaps the most radical and probably most

successful development would be for Schumacher to call it a day and to allow for a new era in Formula One which the sport so desperately needs.

Hughes sparks a revival A COLD, dark and damp evening in Rome, and Wales have just been humiliated 4-0 by the Italians. To rub salt in the wound the manager has just walked out and the FAW have issued a state of emergency in Welsh football.

That was the scene three years ago.

Now, the storm clouds have lifted, the mist has cleared and the sun is shining on a new era of Welsh football.

The days of disappointing away defeats to Azerbi-who and Belarus are long gone whilst the moaning rambles of Bobby Gould are a distant memory. Now Wales have found a saving grace, a beacon of hope, and he isn’t foreign, boring or hold an inexplicable liking of Emile Heskey.

Mark Hughes took on the job as part-time manager back in 1999 after Gould’s decision to quit the national side.

"Too young, too inexperienced, not committed enough" were the criticisms levied at one of Wales’s best loved sporting hero’s on his decision to enter management.

Words of criticism that have well and truly been swallowed along with the pride of many leading "experts" and pundits.

Since his arrival, Hughes has taken Wales from an appalling 115th in the FIFA World Rankings up to 76th, and are set to carry on climbing the tables provided the rich vein of form that has

seen them undefeated for over a year continues.

The national side now play to their potential, like a group of Premiership stars should perform, and are fast erasing the memories of those gloomy times when they were the whipping boys of world football, spoken in the same breath as San Marino and Latvia.

Even Ryan Giggs finds time to play for his country these days.

Defeats against the likes of Belarus and other anonymous part-time outfits from the Baltic nations, excused by Gould as "tricky encounters on bad pitches," are better best forgotten.

With "Sparkey" Hughes beating the battle drum in their new state-of-the-art stadium the Welsh dragon is beginning to breathe fire again in world football, a pleasant change to the hot air of yesteryear dispelled by Gould.

These days a conversation on Welsh football focuses on impressive victories over Germany and Finland, and standing toe-to-toe with the mighty footballing force of the Argentines, not the joke that was a Wales qualification attempt.

Under Hughes the team play with a confidence, determination and pride that has got the players working together and hungry for success.

Strength in depth is also a luxury at Hughes’s disposal with the calibre of Cardiff City’s Robert Earnshaw and Spurs forward Simon Davies coming through the ranks and fast establishing reputations, whilst cementing a future for Wales on the International

football scene.

Wales entertain Italy at the Millennium Stadium on Wednesday and a result against The Azzuri will mark the complete turn around in welsh footballing fortunes.

Italy, one of football’s most reliable and consistent forces in football have themselves fallen on hard times. They suffered a delay to their domestic schedule in a fight over television monies, and with many key players such as Christian Vieri and Francesco Totti out injured, the International side too is struggling.

On the back of a very poor World Cup in the Far East the Italians are keen to get back on track, whilst Welsh optimists are hoping to follow up their impressive 2-0 victory away to Finland in Helsinki last month with another three points.

Wales have not appeared in a major championships since the World cup in Sweden back in 1958 when a John Charles inspired side were narrowly defeated by a Brazil team featuring a certain Pele.

1994 was the closest the Welsh have come to returning to the forefront of world football. A Paul Bodin penalty miss against Romania robbed Wales of the chance of playing at the World Cup in America.

Thanks to Hughes, empty stadiums, poor performances and even worse excuses are now a thing of the past, and with the home side boasting an impressive line up of Premiership stars, Del Piero and co had better be weary of the Welsh.

Premiership.

The Reds have also lost a vital defender to injury.

Stephane Henchoz will be out for up to five weeks after straining a calf against Chelsea.

His superb understanding with Sami Hyypia has provided a solid base for the side's success over the last few seasons and is a huge blow to a team still requiring at least two more wins.

Meanwhile, Newcastle look like making an early exit after

an abysmal start that sees them propping up Group E. They have failed to score a single goal in defeats by Dynamo Kiev, UEFA Cup Winners Feyenoord and Juventus.

Needing to win their final three games, Sir Bobby Robson's problems have been compounded by striker Craig Bellamy's three-match suspension. His pace would have been an ideal foil for Alan Shearer in Newcastle's desperate attempt at survival.

St James’ looks to Uefa cup

Report by Riath Al-Samarrai

email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 14 October / SPORT Page 23

Great Britain left powerless GR SPORTS QUIZ Report by David Williams

DESPITE THE murmerings from cricketing purists, Europe’s first ever Power Cricket competition took place at the Millennium Stadium, and ended with a star-studded Rest of the World team narrowly edging out a select British Isles squad.

The concept of Power Cricket, originally the idea of marketing company DP Cricket, which is played on a synthetic wicket, is to provide the spectator with a faster and more dynamic form of the game.

Each team has two innings of fifteen overs, as many as twelve runs can be scored with a single hit and players are wired up to speak to television commentators whilst the game is in progress.

But, the prospect of seeing Courtney Walsh, Wasim Akram and Muttiah Muralitharan displaying their world-class skill, and a newlook group of players from the UK, did not seem inspiration enough as reports came back of an attendance of only 10,000 over the two days.

Doubts over the credibility of the event were emphasised after a disappointing onesided result in the first game of the two-match encounter.

A crowd of little over 4000 saw the RoW, and Nathan Astle in particular, score runs at will to reach their target of 112 with a comfortable three overs to spare.

However, the general vibe amongst the crowd and the players was that, as a concept, Power Cricket had a place in the sporting calendar. And, it was those supporters who witnessed the first ten-run hit when New Zealander Astle bludgeoned the ball into the top stand of the stadium.

It was also a chance for the 4000 faithful to see probably the greatest fast bowler ever in action as Courtney Walsh, coming out of retirement, took a five-wicket haul in the second innings.

If the first day’s crowd had

enjoyed the proceedings then the crowd for the second day’s match were in for a real nailbiter, with the British team conceding defeat, and the trophy, by five runs at the end of the final over.

After starring in the first match Nathan Astle went quickly to Dominic Cork, partly with the aid of Sky commentator Nick Knight.

Aravinda de Silva then took over and smashed 61 in no time to contribute to the RoW total of 142.

Britain, mainly thanks to Ally Brown who scored 54, posted 143 and a real game looked on the cards. The possibility was definitely on

when Britain restricted the RoW to 141 in the second innings, despite seeing Shahid Afridi claim twelve runs after an incredible shot which came back off the stadiums roof.

However, after making a good start through Glamorgan’s Matthew Maynard, the Brits, which also included Robert Croft and Simon Jones, succumbed to the tactics of captain Stephen Fleming and the bowling of Akram and Muralitharan to fall just short in the final over.

Although on the losing side, Croft was optimistic about the future of the new format.

"I hope this is the way

forward," said the spinner. "It’s not going to take away from the conventional form of Test cricket or one-day internationals but what it will do is offer a new form and maybe a different type of excitement for the crowds."

Only time will tell.

The winners with trophy

IMG player proves Pitcher perfect for Bristol Rovers Report by David Williams

19 YEAR-OLD Economics student Jack Pitcher looks to be on the way up in the world of football after making a big impression on Third Division Bristol Rovers, and in particular, assistant manager John Still; “He has that little something about him and we may even have him in for training as well as a couple of games."

The second year teenager from Winterbourne near Bristol attracted the attention of Still after his performances for Winterbourne, where he helped them win promotion, and where he scored 15 goals last season in the Hellenic League.

And, since he was signed by Mangotsfield United manager Andy Black, Pitcher has gone on to shine in the wins over Cirencester, where he scored on his debut, Gresley Rovers and Taunton Town.

Pitcher was then plunged

into the deep end for Bristol Rovers’ Avon Insurance League match with Brentford Reserves, coming on as a substitute he put in a performance which made Still notice; " He took everything in his stride and didn’t allow himself to be overawed in anyway." " We’ll definitely be having another look at him, but we don’t want to throw too much at him in one go."

With the possibility of another turnout in the reserve-team fixture at Swindon, Pitcher looks to be heading in the right direction.

He is wary though of what lies ahead; " It has been a massive step up for me. Mangotsfield is a very professional club and there are players there who have played in the Football League."

"Obviously things can’t continue to go this well for me all the time and I’ve set my sights on just staying in the team."

And, as the IMG and BUSA season approaches, Pitcher

and his white boots will be aiming to help MOMED FC in their quest for glory come the end of the season.

IMG FOOTBALL GROUPS 2002 Group A : FC Real Carbs A UNI Allstars Earthsok Aux Engineers Mug Mug Law B Crimson Slong Group B : Jomec Chemsoc Bute Park Rangers Roath Park Rangers Carbs B Accountington Stanley Torpedo Engineers Gym Gym Group C : Momed Accountancy Mathletico Madrid FC Economics Cathays FC History FC Turbo Shandys Irish Boys Group D : Plany Law A Eco Soc Wok Utd Plandelect Christian Union Phycho Athletic Pharmacy FC

The definitive sports quiz, with prizes to match. This week, a free lavatory bowl supplied by Robbie Savage, and a Ladbrokes slip for Sunderland to stay up. Worthless now. Thanks Howard.

Can anyone beat our quiz master?

Email entries to grsport@hotmail.com 1. How many times has Stephen Hendry won the World snooker Championship?

2. What is Sunderland’s nickname?

3. Where do Durham play their home matches?

4. Who holds the record in golf for the most major Championship wins?

5. Where do QPR play?

6. How many times has Joe Calzaghe defended his World title?

7. Who will be Hampshire cricket captain next year?

8. Who was the last British Formula One World Champion?

9. How many times has Phil ‘the Power’ Taylor won the PDC darts World title?

10. Who recently broke the men’s 100m world record?

11. In which year did Ian Woosnam win the US Masters title?

12. What is Crystal Palace’s nickname?

13. Which team knocked Wales out of the last rugby World Cup? 14. How many times did Bjorn Borg win Wimbledon?

15. Which English football team holds the record for the longest run of unbeaten league

matches?

16. How many times has Nick Faldo won the US Masters?

17. Who has scored the most tries for the Welsh rugby union team?

18. Who holds the men’s British long jump record?

19. Where were the last Winter Olympics held?

20. Who has taken the most wickets in Test match cricket?

21. In tennis where is the US Open played?

22. Where were the Summer Olympics held in 1980?

23. Which rugby union team plays at the Recreation Ground?

24. Who has scored the most international goals for the Welsh football team?

25. Which one-day cricket team is nicknamed the Lions?

26. Who sank the winning putt for Europe in this years Ryder Cup? 27. Where do Bournemouth play their home matches?

28. In which city will the next football World Cup be held?

29. Who made the first 147 break in the World snooker Championship?

30. Which team has spent the most number of seasons in the top division of English football?

Last weeks winner was Ian Miller with a pitiful 18 from these: 1. Kevin Young 400m 2.

Robert Croft 3. Leicester City 4. Darts 5. JJB Stadium 6. Formula One 7. Scunthorpe United 8. Mike Powell, 8.95m 9. Ice Hockey 10. 7 11. Bobby Charlton 12. Neath 13. Surrey 14. 3 15. Kim Collins 16. 5 17.

The RoseBowl 18. The Belfry 19. New Zealand beat France 20. Sri Lanka 21. The Toffeemen 22. Mexico City 23.

155 24. Andrei Kanchelskis 25.

170 26. 10 27. Lacrosse 28. 24 points 29. Matthew Stevens 30.

Underwater shot putt, international fall down etc

Do I not like that...

Something on your chest? Riled by our report? Write to our sport letters page email grsport@hotmail.com

Letter of the Week Win my ‘Gazza’ Exeter shirt. Uri’s let me down. Gutted Dear GR Sport, At first I thought that getting rid of Peter Reid was a good idea.

That was until I found out that the most boring manager of all time, Howard Wilkinson is taking over the hotseat. Not only that but Steve Cotterill (who!) is becoming his assistant. Surely someone like Mick McCarthy or David O’Leary would have been a more sensible choice than a man who hasn’t managed a team in six years and who made a mockery of the England U-21s.

Admittedly, Cotterill is an up and coming prospect who could do well in the future but who has only managed Cheltenham and Stoke to date. Although the results under Peter Reid were poor, there was still time for improvement without going to such extremes.

From P Jones

The Sunderland Board

GR Sport. We couldn’t agree more.

The only people to benefit from this will be the other teams in the Premiership. If Sunderland do come out of this season unscathed they will have a lot to do to build for the future.

P.S. Everton were robbed at Man Utd the other week!

King of Sports

Committee, do the right thing.

Dear GR Sport, I would like to make a proposal for the next Olympic Games. I propose that the International King of Sports should become a new Olympic event. With events like synchronised swimming already in, I can’t see how the Olympic Committee could refuse the sport which includes ‘under water shot put’ and ‘international fall down’. And, with the next Olympics being in Beijing, the possibility for new events would surely benefit the competition and the number of people watching would increase.

Or, maybe, current atletes could take part in a professional International King of Sports. If not, give me one good reason why not.

End to the Egg

Cheers, King of Sports fan GR Sport. Not surprisingly, we at gr sport are big fans of King of Sports and would love to see certain people get humiliated on a world stage. Come on Olympic

Dear GR sport, That time of year has come round again, Fresher’s flu has passed and the S.T.D test has just come back positive, and with the other formalities of Fresher’s out of the way it only leaves the beginning of the farce that is the IMG football season.

The beautiful game in its IMG form is a joke. Forget the beautiful floated pass, mazy runs, and swerving set pieces, they are replaced by the predators that none of us are good enough to wear, the shot that bobbles off the shin and goes out for a throwin, and the rush for Jive tickets.

But at the end of the day we love it.

What we don’t love are the pricks that run around in tight tops that do full justice to their fat guts, the

tiny (perhaps homosexual?) shorts, and the ego’s that give these twats what they believe is the right to walk around as if they own the place. What sport I hear you cry…rugby.

Everyone knows they only play rugby because they are too fat, slow, and untalented to kick a ball so instead they have to toss the egg. Absolute Muppets.

My message is simple to all chasers out there, play a real sport and stop running round groping boys in the mud.

Yours lovingly, 2nd year Jomec F.C GR Sport. Perhaps controversial, and though I cannot condone the festival of boy groping in the mud that is rugby, I must point out that your targets for all their flaws, and there are many, do tend to be strong and therefore higher in the food-chain, so we must suffer in silence.

GR Sport will almost certainly print your letter, so get writing and get your views read by fourteen thousand people. The views expressed in these letters are not necessarily those of the newspaper or the editor.

“Everyone knows they only play rugby because they are too fat, slow, and untalented to kick a ball so instead they have to toss the egg. Page 24

Formula farce

Power Cricket

Matt Greenhill looks into Ernies box of tricks to see how to sort out Formula 1

Great Britain took on a World VI in Cardiff. And were soundly beaten.

gair rhydd

Sport email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday14th October / Free Word 728

Euro’s Price is right

Paul McGinley celebrates his putt to take the Ryder Cup back to Europe

Report Simon Tomlinson Ryder Cup Europe

15 1/2 - 12 1/2

USA

Big Bluebar

ig Bluebar

EUROPE’S VICTORY in the 34th Ryder Cup at The Belfry was as much to do with the effective team management of Captain Sam Torrance as it was with the play on the course.

None more so than the performance of Welshman Phillip Price in the singles.

Price’s form had taken a serious battering in the 12 months since the postponement of last year’s match, due to the events of September 11, and had subsequently dropped him to 119th in the world.

However, it was his 25ft putt on the 16th that clinched a 3&2 triumph over world no.2 Phil Mickelson and swung the balance in Europe’s favour, giving Paul McGinley the chance to sink the winning putt.

A pressure

McGinley lived up to.

Three and a half-hours earlier, Sam Torrance had walked Price from the practice putting green to the first tee, as he did with all 12 of his players.

The Welshman attributes much of his success to his captain; "The team pulled me along, and I thank Sam for treating me like a serious member of the team; not just some guy who was out of form.”

Indeed, the player management and cohesive camaraderie of Torrance’s illsorted dozen - three Swedes, three Irishmen, a Dane, a Scot, a Welshman, a Spaniard, a German and an Englishman, with their world rankings ranging from fifth to 148th, was the difference between the two sides.

Moreover, it was Torrance’s confident and faithful tactics on the final day to load up his big guns - Montgomerie, Garcia, Clarke, Langer and Harrington in the opening

matches that led Curtis Strange, the American captain, to concede that this was a decisive factor in the match; "Sam did a remarkable job today," said Strange. "I thought he took a hell of a chance by front loading [his singles order] like he did, but it worked just like he obviously thought it would.

"They got a lot of blue on the board and that gave them the momentum they needed.

The crowd reacted to that and suddenly we had a big problem."

Colin Montgomerie was the highest points earner with

PHOTO: GAIR RHTDD ARCHIVES

four and a half out of five, with Langer on three and a half, while Garcia and Westwood won three each.

On the American side, Woods and Mickelson both picked up two and a half points, but on the whole, the team was hugely disappointing.

The winning margin of three points is the largest by a European team since 1985, also at the Belfry.

Sam Torrance summed up his experience saying; "I wish I could bottle it all, take it home and take a sip every day for the rest of my life."

p.45 GR Sport interview Glamorgan captain Steve James.

"It was a nightmare for me, it was probably the most nerveracking afternoon of my life" Welshman Nick Price with captain Sam Torrance

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