gair rhydd - Issue 729

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Inside GRiP: Queens take up their throne in Music

How much fun can you have down a hole?

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Xpress scoops a record ten award nominations

Monday 28th October / Free Word 729

Laura Bradbeer reports CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S very own Xpress Radio has bagged an outstanding 10 nominations spanning seven categories in this year’s Radio One National Student Radio Awards.

A massive 276 entries were received across 10 categories.

However, Xpress Radio and Leeds Metropolitan’s LSR radio station, which got nine nominations, dominated the proceedings.

Hiten Vaghmaria, Xpress Radio’s station manager, said,

“This record breaking run of nominations shows the determination and enthusiasm of the students who contribute to Xpress Radio.

“We are proud to bring Cardiff to the forefront of student talent”.

BBC Radio One announced the nominations last week on Student Radio Day, which was held across the UK. The National Student Radio Awards will take place at London’s Goldsmiths College on Thursday November 14.

This is the award’s seventh year and it is being hosted by

The Voice of Cardiff Students

Radio One DJ, Emma B, for the third time.

The judging panel will consist of 80 senior figures in the radio and media industry including Andy Parfitt, Head of BBC Radio One. He will be joined by highly regarded industry figures, from many major radio groups such as Virgin and Capital, as well as judges from The Radio Authority.

DJs such as Tim Westwood and chart maestro Mark Goodier will also be on the panel.

Xpress Radio has been nominated for categories such as Best Newcomer, Best Male and Female and the highly sought after Best Station award.

Vicki Blight and Emma Gait-Carr, the former station manager, are both up for two awards each.

The Station of the Year prize includes the opportunity to present on BBC Radio One. Xpress Radio is being challenged in this category by five other student radio

L-R: Vicki Blight, nominated for Best Female and Best Specialist Show, Emma Gait-Carr, for Best Female and Best Show, and Suzanne Carter, for Best Newcomer

stations, including Lancaster’s Bailrigg FM and Leeds Metropolitan’s LSR. 23 student stations are competing in the categories for the gold, silver and bronze awards. Winners can expect to gain huge experience and prizes offered by sponsors include a ‘Radio One Experience’ and placements at Justice Productions and BBC Radio Five Live.

Hiten Vaghmaria XPRESS STATION MANAGER HITEN VAGHMARIA continued, “We are all so

“We are proud to bring Cardiff to the forefront of student talent.”

excited for the nominees and the members whose hard work has been deservedly rewarded. It’s a real testament to their talent and commitment”.

Last year Xpress was nominated for eight awards, and at the awards ceremony scooped two gongs for Best Male and Best Newcomer.

Winners Nick Simon and Jamie Dunbar were snapped up by Red Dragon and BBC Radio Wales following their

success.

Xpress Radio has been broadcasting since 1996 and has expanded ever since. The station has a broadcasting licence for 28 days in March 2003 over a seven mile radius and reaching an estimated 40,000 listeners.

Xpress Radio also broadcasts constantly in the Union building.

The shows can be heard 24 hours a day on the internet at www.xpressradio.co.uk

Miss Congeniality gair rhydd enjoys the view as a Glamorgan student is crowned Miss Wales 2002 in Cardiff Michelle Bush: Miss Wales 2002

PHOTO: VICKY MOORES

FULL STORY: PAGE 2

WE INTRODUCE THE ALL NEW GAIR RHYDD FILM SCREENINGS, GRIP P.8 ● ●

News p 1–5 ● Letters p 9 Blagging p 11 ● Features p 15 Sport p 24 ● GRiP starts p 11 ●TV listings (GRiP) p 11

News 2

IN BRIEF Islamic Society holds presentations CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Islamic Society are inviting students to a series of presentations that aim to discuss and explain contemporary issues facing the religion.

The next talk will take place on November 4 at 7pm in the Main Building and the guest speaker will be Anthony Green - discussing how he converted to Islam ten years ago.

The focus of the talk will be on the month of Ramadan and will explain about the origins, benefits, and issues surrounding the festival.

Students of all religions are being invited to attend the cross-cultural event.

UWIC aims to be ‘up for it’ UWIC STUDENTS are competing in a nationwide search of 40 campuses and over 650,000 students to find the most ‘up for it’ student in Britain.

‘Get your bra off’ was the first challenge at the UWIC campus last week. Future trials include ‘Blind man’s buff’ whereby a blindfolded student has to snog the nearest victim and ‘Stars in your eyes’, a singing competition.

Midway through the trials students from the most ‘up for it’ campus will have the chance to compete in ‘Keep the Jeep’, where the last surviving student touching the automobile wins the Freelander Jeep.

Winners of the Siemens Mobile Urban Challenge will be picked from photographs published on the website at www.siemensurban.co.uk.

The ten most ‘up for it’ students will compete for the award of maddest student in Britain and fight for an exotic all expense paid holiday.

James Colman, Student Rep, said: “The winning university will have the most participating students, best looking people and best set-up campus”.

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434/436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

gair rhydd MONDAY 28TH OCTOBER 2002

Today Miss Wales, tomorrow the world Victoria Moores and Mark Jenkins report A CHIROPRACTIC student from the University of Glamorgan will be representing Wales at the Miss World 2002 pageant in Nigeria.

Michelle Bush was crowned Miss Wales 2002 at Jumpin’ Jaks nightclub on Monday 21st October.

She beat off 11 opponents to secure her place in the Miss World contest, which is to be held in Abuja, Nigeria on December 7th. She also won £500 at Miss Wales, and will now compete for the global pageant’s $100,000 prize.

The contestants were judged on clubwear, swimwear, eveningwear and their responses in interviews.

When asked what they believed was “great about Wales”, answers ranged from, “Wherever you go in Wales you’re always welcome” to, “It’s got very nice men!”

Michelle Bush gave confident responses in her interview and had a large number of supporters.

Talking about competing at Miss World she said, “I’ll be nervous closer to the time, but I’m very excited at the

The five finalists line up to support the charity Afrikids moment.”

The winner was selected by a mixed group: the manager of the Millennium Plaza sat on the judging panel alongside Jenny Richards from the Premier Models agency. They were joined by Rhodri Jenkins, this year’s winner of Manhunt

Council urges to Keep Cardiff Tidy Simon Baylis reports

takeaway wrappers and rotting food lying by the roadside. Litter is not only unpleasant to be around, it can also pose serious health risks and provides a breeding ground for rats.

Third year psychology student David Barlow said: “Litter is a problem in Cardiff but no more so than any other city. It’s a shame that such a young and vibrant city should be affected by litter but hopefully the new campaign will help sort things out”.

Many people have welcomed the campaign and feel that making Cardiff the cleanest capital in Europe would give a real boost to the city’s bid to become European Capital of Culture 2008.

CARDIFF CITY Council has teamed up with the South Wales Echo and the Cardiff chamber of commerce in a campaign to clean up the city.

The Keep Cardiff Tidy campaign aims to halve the amount of litter in the city centre by May 2003 and to increase the cleanliness of all streets throughout Cardiff.

A spokesperson for Cardiff city council said: “We want to raise awareness of the problems litter causes and to cut all forms of littering in the city.

“We are keen to work with students as they are part of the solution, not the problem.

“Currently it costs as much as four million pounds each year to clean up Cardiff’s litter, a figure that could be reduced with your help”.

Suggested steps to prevent litter involve simple things such as putting rubbish in bins and securely tying up bin bags. The campaign also draws attention to the longterm consequences of littering and reminds people that littering can incur strong legal penalties with fines of up to £2,500.

A walk down Woodville Road will confirm the problem litter poses with discarded mattresses, An example of the problem

International UK, and Oliver Cohen, managing director of Home UK, the sponsors of the event.

Home UK stepped in to rescue the contest at the last minute when the previous sponsors withdrew. Despite this, the contest ran smoothly and speaking afterwards Mr

Cohen commented, “This is a wonderful occasion that we really want to drive forward, and we were keen to help out.”

Proceeds from the event will be donated to the charity Afrikids in support of the Miss World ethos, “Beauty with a purpose”.

Clarification IN gair rhydd 726, in a story entitled ‘Student Bonds Still not Safe’ we reported on a dispute between a Cardiff student, Catherine Upstone, and the Key Let letting agency.

We reported on the fact that Key Let had withheld a portion of Ms. Upstone’s bond, and Ms. Upstone disputed this.

We then drew attention to the Bond Bank scheme that operates in Cardiff, the aim of which is to avoid such disputes.

However, we did not mean to create the impression that Key Let is not involved in the Bond Bank scheme.

In fact the Key Let agency is one of the most supportive Cardiff letting agencies of the Bond Bank scheme, and will allow the Bank to hold any student tenants’ bonds if the students themselves request it.

Peter Vidler, Managing Director of Keylet, said: “Key Let works closely with the Cardiff Bond Board and currently contributes to one third of all tenants currently within this scheme.

“My aim is to work with the University and other governing bodies to provide a better service to students.

“Key Let prides itself on customer service which is monitored through our customer satisfaction surveys.

“This enables us to review policy to provide better customer service”. gair rhydd apologise to the Key Let agency for any confusion.

gair rhydd MONDAY 28TH OCTOBER 2002

Union Council in need of more representation Rhiannon Davies reports

undergraduate reps and two postgraduate reps.

So far, all departments have postgraduate vacancies and over ten departments are completely vacant. SUC also has vacancies for Halls of Residence reps and University Senate reps.

Matt Lyddon continued, “The SUC comprises regular students and represents regular students; even the Chair is a regular student.

“SUC can create or alter Union policy, and therefore has a big impact on the services and support that the Union provides”.

SUC meets on fortnightly Tuesday evenings during term-time and meetings usually last between an hour and 90 minutes.

Anyone interested in joining SUC should contact Matt Lyddon, Chair of the Council or find more information on the Union website Cardiffstudents.com.

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Students’ Union Council is in need of new members, after the first meeting of the academic year revealed that many posts have not yet been filled.

SUC, the governing body of the Students’ Union, currently has fewer than 40 members and there are a variety of vacancies in many different roles across the council.

Matt Lyddon, Chair of SUC, is organising a rolling byelection to fill vacant places and is keen to encourage interested students to consider joining the Council.

He said, “New members won’t be at any disadvantage at all - many members are still getting used to the Council”.

SUC’s elected Councillors are responsible for approving all the Union’s campaigns and policies for the year, and holding the Executive to account on behalf of the wider Union membership at Cardiff.

Matt Lyddon added, “A large part of SUC’s strength and effectiveness depends on it being representative of the student body; as such it is worrying to have so many departments unrepresented”.

In addition to the Union Executive, SUC comprises elected representatives from all departments within the University, and also the liberation campaigns and Halls of Residence.

There are around 120 places on SUC and each department is allowed two SUC in operation last year

News 3

Student speaks out against landlord Chloe Forbes reports A CARDIFF student has spoken out against a Cathays letting agency who she claims “coerced” her into signing a contract.

Second year Politics and History student Isabel Eames made her comments at a meeting organised by the Cardiff Student Socialist Society as part of a campaign to blacklist housing agencies and landlords who they feel take advantage of students and do not fulfil their contractual agreement.

She gave a speech on the problems that she has faced since moving into her house in September, admitting that she felt “bullied” into signing a contract by Key Let, a Cathays letting agency.

“We recently found out that Key Let told the students who lived in our house last year not to tell us about the problems with the house when we looked around.

“They were told that if they did so they would have people endlessly looking around the house and would never have any peace.”

“We feel this type of behaviour is atrocious.”

ALEX, SOCIALIST STUDENT SOCIETY

The property where Isabel Eames lives Among other problems, Isabel Eames alleges to have found cat excreta in some of the beds and in some of the rooms, and had no hot water for the first week.

Both of these allegations are flatly denied by Peter Vidler, Managing Director of Key Let. He says that no Key Let employee would have encouraged previous tenants to misinform prospective tenants in trying to get them to sign a contract, but that this

could have been done by the landlord.

Furthermore he also said that the property in question was not under the management of Key Let, but under that of the landloard, and should have been satisfactorily maintained by him.

But, regardless of where the blame lies, it is clear that the house was shamefully unfit to be lived in.

“We feel that this type of behaviour is atrocious and should not be allowed to con-

tinue,” explained Alex, a leading member of the Cardiff Student socialist Society.

“Many Cardiff students are being exploited as they often have no previous experience of renting houses and are unfamiliar with the type of things to look for in a house.

“We want to set up a blacklist of agencies and landlords that students can consult before making their housing choices, allowing them to make a more informed decision,” he added.

Volunteering gets Celebrations for Jess off to flying start after Virgin’s generosity Olle Sealey reports

can give something back to the community and it can make you a more tolerant and rounded person.

“We’re holding a Hallowe’en party at The Woodville on Thursday

October 31. All are welcome, even if you’ve never come along before”.

SVC can be found on the 3rd floor of the union, and interested students can pop in any time.

A NEW year of student volunteering was kicked off at The End last Tuesday, with the 2002 launch of the SVC society.

The evening allowed students and co-ordinators to meet and have an enjoyable night out, finishing in the Taf. Student Volunteering is Cardiff’s contribution to a worldwide movement that helps disadvantaged people of all ages.

The help is direct, practical and is aimed at empowering individuals to lead fuller lives.

Cardiff volunteers work in a variety of placements including local hospitals, schools and shelters.

SVC member Nicola Young said, “There were lots of new faces on the evening and it was good to have the chance to talk about past successes and focus on the year ahead.

“By joining Student Volunteering Cardiff, you SVC volunteers and co-ordinators turned out in force

Emma Musty reports

She was the only student from a Welsh university to win.

Jess got to choose her house like most other students. The only difference is that Virgin is paying her rent for the year.

This has enabled her to do some worthwhile things with the extra money.

A portion of her loan went to the Retinitis Pigmantosa Society, a charity for people with the eye disease.

She also went travelling this summer and said, “I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the extra money from my student loan”.

The competition is being repeated this year.

Prizes include ten four-bedroomed houses and ten £350 student union bar tabs.

To enter students need to register at the Virgin competition website, at www.thebig redhouse.co.uk.

A CARDIFF University student has received a free TV, DVD player and video courtesy of Virgin Mobile.

Second year Applied Psychology student Jess Baker, originally from Slough, was one of the winners of the competition last year, when ten winners were picked out of 4,000 applicants from across the UK to live rent free with three friends for the academic year 2002/03.

They also received free Virgin Mobile phones.

And on October 23 Jess received yet another instalment of her prize.

Jess knew about the delivery of the TV, but the DVD player and video recorder came as a complete surprise.

She can keep all three items when she moves out.

When she spoke to gair rhydd, Jess said, “It’s the biggest TV I’ve ever had!”

Jess originally won the competition after getting 17,863 votes for her photograph on the Virgin website. Jess Baker is understandably happy about her prize

Gair Rhydd MONDAY 28TH OCTOBER 2002

CRIME FILE

Arrests after Noel nightclub row Dominic O’Neill reports

BURGLARIES POLICE SAY the usual spike in burglaries during September when students return to Cardiff has not been followed by the usual October dip.

During October there were four burglaries in Cathays involving Halls - two in Talybont, one in Senghennydd House and one in Senghennydd Court.

Detective Sergeant Danny Richards of Cathays CID said: “All of these incidents could have been prevented by students locking their doors and windows.

Burglaries always have a very distressing effect for the victim, but can really be prevented with simple common sense”.

ANTI-SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR STUDENTS ARE being warned to keep the noise down when leaving the Student’s Union.

The Union is the only licenced premises in a residential area of Cardiff to have a 1am licence and if there is too much noise residents can complain to the Licencing Committee.

If complaints are recieved about noisy students, the Union could be forced to close at 11pm.

PC Keohane warns that if you see any of your friends doing anything stupid, you should try and stop them.

Already this term a student has been arrested for being drunk and running over a car causing damage.

INDECENT EXPOSURE ONE INCIDENT of indecent exposure was reported on the cycle path near Talybont this week.

All such incidents should be reported to police and security.

Police advise students not to use the cycle path during the night and remind students that clocks go back this week.

MORE PHONE THEFTS ALREADY THIS term 79 students have had their phones stolen, mostly from pubs and clubs in the city.

According to PC Keohane, 30 per cent of crime is mobile thefts and so far there have been two thefts in the Students’ Union.

The worst places for mobile phone thefts are the busier clubs in Cardiff, such as Liquid and Creation.

If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444.

PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/content/police.

POLICE HAVE arrested two doormen at a Cardiff nightclub after Noel Sullivan of Hear’Say accused them of assault.

The star was drinking in Liquid nightclub of St Mary’s Street, Cardiff earlier this month when the incident occurred.

He claims door staff threw him out head first, leaving him with a black eye and injuries to his neck and arms.

Bystanders say the 22 yearold was accused of being rude to bar staff after he was told he could not use his credit card to pay for a bottle of champagne as the club’s electronic payment system was not working.

His companions soon settled the bill, but he was then forcibly removed.

Cardiff boy Noel, now back in town after pop stardom

“This incident is regrettable. The situation is under review”.

LIQUID NIGHTCLUB SPOKESMAN

After being left on the pavement, the star made an official complaint to the club and reported the incident to South Wales Police.

This comes soon after pop group Hear’Say split up to leave Noel, originally from Cardiff, to pursue a solo career.

A spokesman for Liquid has

called the incident “regrettable”, but admitted the two doormen are still working for the club.

“The situation is under review,” he told Gair Ryhdd.

“This is a rare occurrence. All our staff are registered and trained to a high standard.

Customer safety is a high priority for us”.

News 4

Welsh choose Peggy over politics Katie Bodinger reports

pleasure.

“They are searching for meaning and purpose and are not finding it in politics”.

Hywel believes that the apparent indifference to political affairs is not just confined to Wales.

“Clearly this is a not just a Welsh phenomena,” he said.

“There are definitely reasons for thinking that people are becoming less cultured and politically aware everywhere in the UK. “Our society is increasingly voyeuristic and celebrity driven,” he continued.

“In an age where the faults of politicians have been so thoroughly exposed, it is only natural that people should find their heroes in characters from soaps”.

WELSH PEOPLE are more clued up on the antics of Peggy Mitchell than politics, a new report has revealed.

In a survey taken for Whitaker’s Almanac, it was revealed that a worrying 20 per cent of Welsh interviewees could not name a single world leader, with names such as Bush and Blair apparently being beyond their grasp.

In contrast, 56 per cent of those interviewed could name five characters from Eastenders, making Phil Mitchell more notorious than Saddam Hussein.

The survey has sparked new fears that the Welsh public will be staying home in front of the telly instead of voting at next May’s National Assembly elections.

Cardiff Politics student and Conservative Society member Hywel Carr thinks that students are also becoming less involved in politics.

“Although there is still the same tendency for students to jump on left-wing bandwagons, students are generally not clued up on current affairs,” he said.

“Student culture is centred on drink and short term More famous than Blair?

WAR REPORT

As tension in the international community and at home continues to mount over a possible Iraq war, gair rhydd brings you the student perspective on this pressing issue

Students debate war Mark Jenkins reports IF A RECENT debate is anything to go by, the majority of students at Cardiff University are opposed to the West taking action against Iraq.

The discussion, hosted by the Politics Society on Thursday October 17, considered the motion, “This house believes regime change in Iraq should be the priority for the UN”.

A diverse group of people spoke on the topic: Thaker Hafid, a student and the son of exiled Iraqi dissidents,

argued for the motion and was supported by Craig Piper, a Conservative Welsh Assembly candidate making his debating debut.

Arguing against the motion were Christopher Norris, a professor of philosophy at Cardiff, and Peter Samuels, a student writing a dissertation on international human rights.

They appeared to win the day; of the 100 or so people present, 57 voted against the motion. 16 supported it.

The opposition argued that America has hijacked the UN to serve its own

Demo comes to Cardiff Simon Baylis reports A DEMONSTRATION entitled “Don’t Attack Iraq” will be taking place in Cardiff on Thursday October 31.

The planned action will protest at the governments proposed military action against Iraq. The demonstration is being organised by a number of groups such as the Stop the War coalition and is being supported by Cardiff University Socialist Student Society. The planned demo

follows a similar event last month in London attended by hundreds of Cardiff students.

It is expected that even more Cardiff students will take part in Thursday’s anti-war march to register their protest.

The demonstration is the finale to a series of protest events throughout the week including a smaller rally on Monday 28th which will have a number of high profile speakers such as MP Jeremy Corbin. This rally will take place at 7pm in room 0.22 of the Law building.

agenda, and Peter Samuels concluded by saying, “Priority should be regime change in the White House”.

Questions from the audience focused on any possible military action and, as the debate’s chair, Mark Donovan of the Politics department, pointed out, “The overall mood was quite clearly against war”.

As the debate progressed, emotions began to run high.

One member of the audience was particularly vocal; Nia Jones, a second year medic, spoke out against the civilian casualties that would mount if war broke out.

She added after the event, “We need to see the bigger Andrew Murray chair of the Stop the War coalition said: “We represent a clear majority of people in this country. Our last demonstration was 400,000 strong and the protest on October 31 will be another massive display of opposition to the war”.

This assertion is backed up by the most recent ICM poll that suggests that public opinion is turning against an attack on Iraq with forty per cent of the population opposed to any military action.

The main demonstration will meet outside Marks and Spencers on Queen Street at around 6pm.

picture. This is deflecting attention away from home affairs”.

Ben Anton-Tuffnell, president of the Politics Society, believed the debate was a success.

“The turnout was

excellent,” he said. “It’s a topical issue, and so many people spoke up. It was absolutely amazing”.

The debate was the first in a series that the society is hoping to hold; details will be released if they go ahead.

Iraq: Your Views Sue Elliot, 3rd year English Language student: “I don’t agree with attacking Iraq because Tony Blair’s just doing what George Bush wants him to.

Blair should do what’s right for this country, not what’s right for America”.

Dave, 3rd year Geography and Town Planning: “It’s a very bad idea. War in general is a waste of time, money and lives - there’s no excuse for this war at all. George Bush is trying to bully everyone”.

David Morris, Masters in Human Resource Management: “I don’t have a problem with bombing Iraq if he’s got chemical and nuclear weapons, but I don’t understand why the media told us we had won the first time. If we need to go back now, how could we have won then?”

News 5

gair rhydd MONDAY 28TH OCTOBER 2002

Website blasts NUS campaign Katie Williamson reports NUS OFFICIALS are furiously rebutting claims that its forthcoming London marches and campaign against tuition fees are nothing more than a costly and wasteful sham. www.educationet.org, a website claiming to be the ‘Grassroots Education News Service’ for the UK, has published a damningly critical article criticising the NUS ‘Funding the Future’ campaign.

It takes issue with the fact that both the mass lobby on October 23 and the demo for December 4 are planned for a Wednesday afternoon, meaning that students who are

involved with Athletic Union sports activities cannot attend.

The website quips: “Sorry to all you sporty types who might have fancied it”.

Educationet goes on to claim that the NUS’s fight against fees is not all it’s cracked up to be, saying “for those of you who thought the campaign was about fighting fees, think again.

“The NUS believe that those who participate in Higher Education should still pay towards the cost of their degrees.

“Instead of paying fees during their degree, the NUS and the government wish to move fee payment until after graduation.

“The NUS ‘Funding the

Students march against tuition fees

gair rhydd ...World Roundup...

CROC EATS GERMAN TOURIST AUSTRALIA: A German tourist has been killed in Northern Australia after a late night crocodile attack.

Northern Territory police say the 24-year old woman was swimming in a waterhole in the Kakadu National Park, and must have ignored signs warning of the danger from freshwater crocodiles.

Members of the woman’s touring party say they saw a dark shape emerge from the water and grab her before swimming away.

It is believed the victim’s sister was beside her at the time.

National Park rangers have discovered the woman’s body, and have harpooned the crocodile responsible for her death.

Police say it is still not clear why the group was swimming in an area known to be rife with the crocodiles.

They are the world’s largest

reptiles, and are dangerous, aggressive and can move at high speeds through water.

It is estimated around 100,000 live in Northern Australia and have killed more than a dozen people in the last 20 years.

Future’ paper does not mention any opposition to the suggested graduate tax”.

Furthermore, Educationet warns students not “to hold their breath waiting for publicity to come” for the NUS demo. The website has taken matters into its own hands, and is selling posters and stickers directly from the site.

NUS spokesman Dan Ashley, however, was adamant that the NUS were doing their best to serve students’ interests.

He said that publicity for the demonstration would reach student unions “perfectly within time”, stressing that their publicity would be free as opposed to that offered by Educationet.

He continued, “The NUS, unlike Educationet, is accountable to all students across the UK. We urge any students who are unhappy with the campaign to speak directly to the NUS themselves”.

Despite criticism of the campaign, large turnouts for the mass lobby of Parliament and demo in London are still expected.

The question raised by Educationet remains, however: “Is it a campaign worth getting behind?”

The website itself concludes that despite the problems, any student who is dissatisfied with the current student funding arrangements can still make their voice heard by turning up in London.

WELSH PROF OFFENDS GREEKS WALES: Daniel Ogden, a lecturer in Classics at Swansea University, has caused a storm in Greece by claiming that their national hero, Alexander the Great, had a gay dad.

Victoria Moores reports THE UK Breast Cancer Coalition (UKBCC) has launched a pledge card promoting their campaign to improve breast cancer services in Wales.

Earlier UKBCC campaigns have focused only on England, so this one will be targeted specifically to Wales.

Elisabeth Davies, Chief Executive of the UKBCC, said, “It’s essential that Welsh women have access to the best breast cancer services.

“Through the cards, we want to highlight the inequalities, and inform people about what they can do to take action to change this”.

A number of pledge cards have been sent to Cardiff University. The R.A.G and

S.H.A.G societies will be using the pledge cards alongside their general campaigns to raise awareness and money for cancer charities.

The pledge cards, as well as ribbons and information, will be available from the second floor of the Union this week, and the groups will be visiting Seren Las and the Taf to raise funds.

In addition, all of the proceeds from the Rocky Horror night being held at Solus on Halloween will be donated to the breast cancer cause.

Mel Whitter, the Women’s Officer at the Students’ Union, approved of the idea of the cards.

“Students need to be aware of checking themselves, and anything

that can help raise awareness is a very good idea”.

She added that cancer charities need as many donations as possible, and she urges everyone to come along and support the cause.

The campaign has been developed in conjuction with UNISON, the public sector union in Wales.

UNISON plan to develop specific campaigns for service improvements and believe that handing out the cards is the first step in gaining people’s support.

The credit card-sized pledge card sets out the basic statistics, including the fact that 2,000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer each year in Wales.

The card also provides a contact number for those wanting more information.

UKBCC’s Nancy Roberts (left) and Elisabeth Davies (right) with Julietta Patrick, national co-ordinator of the NHS breast screening programme

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at the places and people making the headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the world Hundreds of Greek nationalist protestors lined the streets of the city of Salonika to voice their anger at Mr. Ogden’s comments.

Prof Ogden made the claims as part of his theories into the death of Alexander’s father, Philip II of Macedon.

He believes Philip II was murdered by a jealous gay lover.

MAN SAFE AFTER BEING LOST IN ITALY FOR A WEEK

Steve Irwin’s best mate

Campaign to give Wales the Breast cancer care

credit cards, passport and tour details.

The coach party had spent more than two hours searching for Mr. Leon before returning to the hotel 90 miles away.

Mr. Leon was only located

by Italian police on Sunday, who took him to the Spanish embassy in Naples.

Ms. Burt told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme that her husband was “very shaken” by his ordeal.

“He looked dreadful. He spent a week being so afraid”.

ITALY: A man has vowed never to go on holiday again after being forced to sleep rough for six days when he could not find his hotel.

Spanish-born Ismael Leon, 61, who speaks no Italian and little English, became separated from his partner Sheila Burt while on a day trip to Sorrento in southern Italy.

Mr. Leon was reduced to eating food from bins and sleeping on the streets as he searched vainly for his hotel, as his partner had all his Ismael Leon: lost

Asked whether the couple would be holidaying again, Ms. Burt replied “Never, that’s the end of it”.

BULL GOES ON TOWN CENTRE RAMPAGE WALES: A bull escaped from a livestock market and made a break for freedom through a busy town centre in Mold, Flintshire last Tuesday.

Roads were closed to motorists and people were warned to stay indoors as the animal tore down fences and caused havoc. The bull was eventually shot dead by police marksmen.

Auctioneer David Lewis said, “It came off the lorry and it was wild.

“We isolated it but it had made up its mind that it didn’t want to stay with us.

“Everything we put in front of it, it went straight through”.

The animal ran down local streets before being cornered between Chester Street and

Grosvenor Street.

North Wales Police had hoped to load the beast into a trailer but a marksman was forced to kill the animal after it ran off.

A spokesman for the police said the bull had had to be destroyed.

“He made a dash for freedom from the mart and it was a pity that it had to be destroyed but given the circumstances and the potential danger it posed, it was the safest thing to do”.

Mr. Lewis said the animals were normally quite tame.

“It’s very rare to get an animal like this, just the odd one,” he said.

A lot of bull

The yea

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PLUS UNSOCIAL HOURS ADDITION 10% AFTER 8pm WEEKDAYS & FROM 07:00-22:00 SATURDAYS - 15% SUNDAYS & BANK HOLIDAYS FIXED TERM CONTRACTS WILL BE AVAILABLE BETWEEN OCTOBER 2002 & APRIL 2003 ANNUAL LEAVE: 22 DAYS PRO RATA There are all kinds of reasons why someone wouldn’t want to work full-time, or do a traditional 9-5 job. You may have grandchildren to collect from school, a demanding study programme, a specific interest or hobby - whatever it is, you’ve got other demands on your time. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have an interesting job when you’re free to work.

You’ll join us as an Administrator or Administrative Assistant - working to ensure claims for tax credits are processed correctly, contacting people who have sent claim forms in with missing/incorrect information. It’s a great opportunity to work within an organisation that will give you full training, an attractive salary and a flexible and rewarding job.

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Letters ● 09

gairrhydd, Monday 28 October 2002

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight wins a picnic with David Dickinson in a caravan of your choice Dear gair rhydd, I am writing to express how totally overwhelmed and bowled over I am by the level of hospitality shown towards students in the area by locals.

My first example occurred in the Ikea Bar (known to some as the Taf) where I was drinking coke at the time. A local Welsh student commenced insulting me as I was automatically in his eyes, “An English bastard” simply because I was not, “Having a session”. How he’d discerned my nationality and parentage from my choice of drink I do not know, but needless to say he was wrong on all accounts as I am Welsh and have lived in or near Cardiff for a fair part of my life.

The second incident was on City Road at approximately 2am a few nights later. Another local demanded to know if I was from Cardiff and threatened me with violence unless I declared my undying support for the local football and “Cardiff City Barmy Army”. I eventually managed to lose this rogue, but it was not a pleasant experience.

Finally on Friday evening, having left the Crwys pub due to overloud and scratchy jukebox, my friends and I, seeking a place that has the ‘traditional’ pub feel, ventured into the Gower. As we entered the left hand bar, the pub fell silent and we felt most uncomfortable as all stared at us and we knew we were not welcome. As we left, we were told in no uncertain terms by one of the locals to, “Try the fucking Crwys!”. The Gower certainly rates as an interesting tavern.

Perhaps Gair Rhydd would care to run a feature on how friendly the local populace is to students? I once heard of a student who got a hiding form the locals at Bangor Uni because he was English. I had considered Cardiff until this week to be a more open and accepting city.

Yours 2nd Year Languages Student Lettersdesk says: Like the ‘Pills ‘n’ Thrills’ letter you see below, here's another issue of which opinions are formed from personal experience. I myself have lived in Cardiff for over a year and have never, ever experienced any racism towards myself (despite being an Englishman who probably pronounces his ‘t’s a little more than is healthy), so if you asked me about it I would say you’ve been unlucky.

Am I wrong? Do write in and tell...

Pills ‘n’ Thrills Dear gair rhydd I’m writing in response to the letter about ecstacy in an effort to save naive freshers from killing themselves. Fair enough, nobody wants to die young, but please kids, try to keep things in perspective. Despite there being over 50 British deaths this year from taking ecstacy, there are over one million pills taken every weekend. And lets not forget the old fire water; how many hospital beds across the country are filled with alcoholics and pissed up wankers who got into a fight and need patching up, or the poor sods who get hit by a drunk driver?

I’m not trying to tell everyone to go and pop pills (even if it does make 80’s night bearable), but perhaps don’t follow the law blindly without question. Form your own opinions.

The Toxic Crusader Lettersdesk says: You can read biased research and government figures ‘till you’re blue in the face, but lets face it, you’re all intelligent enough to form your own opinions which of course, will be based on your own personal experiences and first hand information. That's your cue to get writing in folks...

Jones Moans Dear gair rhydd, I was absolutely apalled to see Jon Owen Jones in last weeks gair rhydd parading himself around our Union pretending to be the champion of student causes, and seemingly joining in our fight against fees. Mr. Jones, some of us students have been here long enough to know better. You are not the student friend at all, and you are a disgrace. Not too long ago a lot of us remember the dismay of Labour’s introduction of tuition fees, you let us down then by voting in FAVOUR of their introduction. I myself have heard you at debates in the Student’s Union where you defended the policy and admitted to voting for them THREE times. How can you now pretend to have been fighting against them? You have let us down too many times to count, and we won’t be fooled by your latest publicity stunt. You introduced fees, it was your party’s big plan, so you tell me; how can we ever trust a word that comes out of your mouth?

A very in debt, fed-up student Dear gair rhydd, OH GOOD GOD. What is that turnip who calls himself our MP doing in the paper? Fighting student hardship my arse! Am I

mistaken in thinking that this new grants policy thingy is an Assembly initiative? So what’s a Westminster MP doing trying to take the credit (apart from making a last ditch effort at getting some credibility with students)? Go away and be quiet.

Sarah Montgomery

Flavour of the Fortnight Dear gair rhydd, They say that chocolate is better than sex. Well Roast Beef Monster Munch is the new chocolate! I saw the letter about the ‘New’ Roast Beef Monster Munch and felt compelled to write. Firstly I want to share my elation that Roast Beef Monster Munch (even the name sounds great) is BACK! I have missed you my old friend.

My empty, meaningless life is almost full again (not to mention my stomach!). Secondly it was great to see that someone else feels the same as I do regarding this ‘truly beautiful’ flavour of crisps.

Roast Beef Monster Munch (can't stop saying it) IS truly beautiful.

It’s the food equivalent of the Proclaimers song Letter From America or the best TV program ever - The A-Team! And don't you forget it, FOOL! I actually e-mailed Walkers a while back regarding just why they stopped doing Roast Beef Monster Munch and replaced them with those foul modern ‘Flaming Disgusting’ flavours, and they claimed there was no demand!.

What, people don't want decent honest flavoured crisps no more?

Instead they want puke flavour?

Where do they get their market research from? Do they stop people on the street and say ‘excuse me sir, do you like shit flavoured crisps?’, ‘No I do not’, ‘That's a ‘Yes’ then’!

Now all we need is the return of Bacon flavoured Monster Munch, the final elimination of ‘Flaming Hot’ flavour and multi-packs of 12 containing Roast Beef Monster Munch, Pickled Onion and Bacon flavour. Even better, 6-packs of Roast Beef Monster Munch!!!

C'mon ya corporate bastards. Give the customers what they want for once!

Pablo - An enthusiastic Roast Beef Monster Munch eater!

Lettersdesk says: Hmmm, its true, in the Crisp World Cup, Roast Beef Monster Munch would definitely be a strong seed. And let that be the end of it.

Happy Surfer Dear gair rhydd, The web is excellent! Exstudents can enjoy all that is gair rhydd from their offices!

Andrew Rosoman Lettersdesk says: Surf your way to www.gairrhydd.net folks for all your gair rhydd thrills, without getting ink on your hands or having the death of a small branch on your conscience.

P.S. Mr. Rosoman you’re the solitary happy writer this fortnight.

Wr o n g B o n Jovi Dear gair rhydd, I am writing to complain about the neglect Solus has given to 80's night. I regularly attend this event, along with a few of my mates that wear our red '80's Groover' tops every week like it is our uniform.

However, since being back for my final year I have noticed that the union does not have the same opinion of this night as I do. In freshers week, I had to put up with a Jon Bon Jovi tribute band. They were good, but after two hours of songs that I didn't recognise, I was rather pissed off. I decided to forgive Solus and looked forward to next week, until I found out on the Wednesday that 80's night has been replaced by some Dynamite MC crap for that week. I feel that I need to warn the union that if they don't sort out their lack of enthusiasm for 80's night, then they will lose their die hard fanatics to places like Jumping Jack’s and Creation on a Thursday night. I hope you get the message.

Steve Hawkins, 3rd year Accounting and Management Lettersdesk says: You know things are bad when the choice of evening entertainment is between ‘Jelly Babies injected with vodka’ at Creation and a Bon Jovi tribute act. That’s why GrIP has got a TV guide folks. Use it.

B a s s I n Ya Face Dear gair rhydd, As the music that’s played in Solus of an evening is so loud that trying to concentrate in the Graduate Centre Reading Room above is like trying to sleep through the Battle of Agincourt, is it really necessary to have a sign outside saying, ‘YOU ARE ENTERING A QUIET AREA PLEASE END YOUR CONVERSATION NOW’? Also, the constant window rattling rumbling of bass through the floor always makes me want to vomit or defecate. Has anyone else noticed this and is it a part of a postgraduate scientific experiment to do with low frequencies? Am I being used as a guinea-pig without my consent?

Peter Roberts Lettersdesk says: If you are indeed a guinea pig in a highly unethical experiment then I very much doubt that it’s aim is to fill

The

gair rhydd

postgraduate students with a burning desire to vomit or defecate.

It’s probably just a side effect.

Speaking Yo u r Language?

Dear gair rhydd, I am a 2nd year student. Over the summer I decided to change my course from single honours English Language Studies to joint honours English Literature and Language Studies. I contacted the English Literature Department in August to see if they would accept me, and they were extremely helpful. Within a few days they agreed to the change. I then got in touch with the Centre for Language and Communication to get their permission. I thought this would simply be a formality. How wrong I was. The staff were abrupt and as I found several times last year when asking for help on my coursework, it all seemed like too much trouble for them. I was told I would have to wait until enrolment day (probably one of the busiest university days) before they would let me know their decision.

How bloody stupid! Enrolment day in the centre was a pain the proverbial backside, as they didn’t begin until 2 o’clock, which for ‘potential’ joint hons. students like myself was a nightmare, as I still didn’t know if the change would be agreed to, keeping others and me in suspense. I am now thankfully a home student in the English Literature Department where members of staff are much friendlier, helpful and organised!

I am very disappointed in the Centre for Language and Communication and I will expect a lot more from them this year when my results will actually count towards my degree. I hope they will take note of my concerns.

Yours keeping an eye on them, Floss Teacake.

Poetry Corner Dear gair rhydd, Hello, My name is Ellen Cook and I am a third year English Lit student. I am sending you this poem to see if it could get printed in gair rhydd at some point. (It recently won second prize in a regional poetry competition): Keeping Up Appearances: Eat. Go on.

You know you want to It will make you feel better...

Lettersdesk says: Oops, we’ve run out of space. Shame.

Letters page

Ahhh freedom of speech. Exercise yours today; write a letter and e-mail it to gairrhyddletters@hotmail.com and if the gods are on your side it may even find itself nestled in a grey shaded rectangle. The honour, the prestige, it could be yours. People will stop you in the street and ask you to sign their copy of the letters page, so if you’re fame-shy then use a pseudonym.

Please send your letters in to us at gair rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM. gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Classifieds ● 10

gair rhydd, Monday 28 October 2002

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS

ACCOMMODATION

SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

LGB OFFICER: Contact James Knight on KnightJ2@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on atshie_12@yahoo.co.uk Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk Visiting hours for non-sabbs coming soon.

ROOM TO LET: Share with two girls, Llantinsant Street, Cathays. £200 per month. 10 Minutes from University.

Phone: 07813 539001 Newly refurbished house to let. Canada Road. Four bedrooms. £200.

Phone: 07811154163 5 BEDROOM HOUSE TO LET. Spacious Modern 5 bedroom house is available now.

Fully furnished and floor laminated. Two bathrooms. G/CH. Mackintosh Place, 1 min from the George pub.

Room available in shared house in Woodville Road. To share with five others.

All mod cons. Rent £210 per month.

Contact. 07989341785 Need another housemate? Need a house?

Need anything vaguely related to houses and accomodation? this is the place to paste up your note

EMPLOYMENT And this is where you cast your eyes for those employment prospects, because you’ve spent your loan already haven’t you.

MISCELLANEOUS Miscellaneous is the place for all your unclassifiable messages, that would be shout outs, birthdays. well, just about anything really. Be heard!

CROSSWORD 1 Refreshing (7) 5 Vital organ (5) 8 Fruit juice frozen on a stick (5) 9 According to law (7) 10 Slow mover (7) 11 Rub against (5) 12 Look briefly (3) 14 Feed up for slaughter (6) 18 Feeling of hurt pride (5) 20 Strike favourably (7) 22 Issue of a publication (7) 23 Not warranted (5) 24 Sibling’s daughter (5) 25 Mild, merciful (7)

CELTIC FANS: South Wales No. 1 CSC. Based at Dempsey’s pub, opp. castle. All available games shown.

Regular trips to Parkhead. Student membership, £10.

Contact Ali: 07786914740.

FOR SALE PLAYSTATION 2 For Sale. £130 ONO Nearly New. With Spiderman and Tony Hawk games. Phone 07951572778.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

Across:

PENBLWDD HAPUS SHIRLZ! Happy 21st!! Hope you’re not too gutted about that dirty old naked Pagan bloke from last night!

Down: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 13 15 16 17 18 19 21

Animal, symbolic of Great Britain (7) Permit (5) Suggesting happy innocence (7) In abundance (6) Reasoning (5) Courageous (7) Short piece of verse (5) Gain possession of (7) Container for a hypodermic dose (7) Beginning to develop (7) Outdoor meal (6) Groom and arrange of feathers (5) Banished person (5) Invest with (5)

Cross-word up homies! Whichever cat completes the crossword and has got the skills to come up with the wittiest tie-breaker (and it’s a question we all must ask of ourselves) wins a bitch-tastic chow down in the coolest hangout in the ‘hood. Forms filled in and up to gair rhydd Towers on the top floor of the Union pronto.

Last fortnight’s answers: Across: 2, Subsidy 7, Plea 8, Only 9, Letting 10, Omit 12, Agog 15, Eel 16, Tremor 18, Endure 20, Azalea 22, Revolt 23, Ski 24, Epee 27, Peer 29, Anemone 30, Blur 31, Avon 32, Literal Down: 1, Slim 2, Salt 3, Bitter 4, Icicle 5, Yoga 6, Alto 10, Outrage 11, Iterate 13, Glucose 14, Greater 17, Owe 19, Nee 21, Aspect 22, Rigour 25, Pull 26, Earl 27, Peal 28, Eton

NAME:________________________ E-MAIL:_______________________ WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER: BE AN OLD WOMAN’S PANTS OR MAKE AN OLD WOMAN PANT, AND WHY? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

WIN! From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine Open ‘til 11, seven days a week.

Coffee bar with BYO license!

Own roasted coffee.

Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300

BIG WIN CIRCUS

gairrhydd, Monday 28 October 2002

Competitions ● 11

++COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING++

gairrhydd Drop your answers and pigeons into the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electron-mail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps@ hotmail.com

Little Miss Selfridge C

lothes. No one wants to where them but those bastards up on Capitol Hill make us feel like freaks when we don’t wear them. My days of midwinter nakedness are over because like a lot of young men I shop at Miss Selfridge... after all, if you are forced by society to wear clothes (or ‘hate-rags’ as I call them) then why not be fashionable? Miss Selfridge is very good at the whole selling clothes lark especially since they offer a welcome 10% student discount. In October (that’s now) they are offering an unprecedented 20% off instead of the usual 10%: that’s almost twice as much.

This season’s collection is a kaleidoscopic kaleidoscope of colour and texture, in five ranges. Dolly Couture harks back to the postwar era (after everyone had tidied up, presumably) with a blend of tweed, flannel, lingerie and berets. Boho Babe is an ‘ethnic’ mix of 1970s afghans, ponchos, sheepskins, aran and cable knits and other hideous elements, which surprisingly work in an English department kinda way. urban denim is generally ruined leather, denim, parkas and trenchcoats which have been coated in paint, run over and given to small children to play with. The result is a mess, pretty much. LA Sport is a bunch of college logos, velour, sweatshirt fabrics, sip-up knits in a crazy pastel and white colour scheme. Completing the range is Sexy City, improbably mixing tuxedos with pencil skirts, drainpipe trousers, micro minis and knickerbockers just like grandma used to wear.

To celebrate this cornucopia of new Autumn styles, Miss Selfridge has up to £100 in Miss Selfridge vouchers to give away. Just answer the following question and you could prance about the streets of Cardiff like you just don’t give a damn about the rain.

Go on kids- roll another fat one!

T

o celebrate the MixitMoto DJ competition, held in Solus on 21st October, we have a barrel full of MixitMoto goodies including... oh my... a Motorola mobile phone, to give away, just for you!

The MixitMoto contest will push the boundaries of DJs welcoming all genres if music and encourages the use of tricks, samples, effects and showmanship in each set in a bid to find unique and entertaining new talent. DJs will be marked on originality, innovation, technical skill and ability to entertain the crowd. All winners will then go onto the final being held at a top London club where a fantastic package of prizes- none of which match up to the stuff available on this page- can be won.

Even if you Win a Motorola phone weren’t good and Mixitmoto goodies enough to win- or even enter- the contest, you can We have a t-shirt, a copy of Mixmag, still be a winner CDs, a record bag and a lovely mobile here. Enter the competition to your phone to give away. To win them, just answer this question: right and win a huge record bag packed with CDs, WHat telecommunications t-shirts, and a company is supporting Mixmoto?

Motorola mobile phone!

++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE TAT++ Look to herewards next week for prix including £100 of Topman vouchers (who said Big Win Circus was just for girls? well... no one actually) and other worthy crumbs from Captain Corporate’s table. Yo ho ho.

Win £100 of Miss Selfridge vouchers How much NuS discount is available throughout October?

A: B: C:

10% 20% Free buttons

et TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP

02 Well, the haunting season has begun. If you’re tormented by the spectre of mounting piles of paper, disrupted sleep patterns or the sense that you’ve become a 24hr student counsellor, Get There is here for you. We’ve been there and amazingly we’re happy to be back. So, here’s your selection of paths to victory for this week. Onward and outward, let’s set forth together!

Hallowe’en Havoc

Five victory paths for city crusaders 3. Soul legend greets capital

Welsh rejoice as rugby returns home

Monday 4th November, Cardiff International Arena An in-store signing at Virgin Megastore would have been enough for me. A momentary glance in my direction from the other side of the Millennium Stadium would have lit up my day. But no, Luther Vandross has come to Cardiff and to bring me more and to drain my wallet.

These, his first British dates in five years, promise a festival of 80s funky soul classics.

Some have suggested that it’s the 90s duets with Mariah Carey and Janet Jackson that have confirmed Luther’s place

Wales vs Fiji, Saturday 9th November, Millennium Stadium , 2.30pm, £10-£20

R

ugby may be the Welsh national sport, but recent years have brought little joy to these parts. With the six nations around the corner and the Heineken Cup already underway, Rugby Union should have forced its way into your life. If it hasn’t then, this weekend is your chance. Imposing as it may appear, the Millennium Stadium is a

in musical history. I disagree and look to his 80s heyday when his records were the property that my parents I fought over. Even though the vinyl has remained unscratched, some of his material has, admittedly, not survived the ageing process.

However, with Stop to Love a penetrating analysis of the difficulty of loving someone who works all the time and See Me a classic about much the same thing - Luther remains the voice of students everywhere.

Tickets £25-£28.50

4. 100 Reasons herald rock enlightenment welcoming stadium for newcomers. In contrast with the six nation clashes that await after Christmas, tickets are reasonably cheap and should be fairly easy to obtain.

Fiji may be one of the smaller rugby playing nations, but this shouldn’t prevent them from presenting the dragonhearts with quite formidable opposition.

Considering the awful start that most Welsh clubs seem to have made to the season, Welsh rugby has much to prove at the moment. At the time of writing, Wales are yet to have beaten Italy in the football, but if and when this happens you can be sure that the flags will be everywhere.

Sunday 10th November, 7.30pm, Great Hall

www.cardiffstadium.comw

5. Club Luz shines the way

Adam Brooks looks ahead: Toss those 'commercial rock' allegations out of the window, for Hundred Reasons are returning to Cardiff to induce frenzied afro-swinging moshpits (If I Could) and even a little non-ironic lighter waving (Falter) Surrey's premier rock mob show no signs of being weighed down by the various

Thursday 31st Oct - Sat 2nd November, Chapter Arts Centre

2. Solus glows once more, courtesy of Orange Monday 4th November, EnjoyMusic Tour featuring Gus Gus and Darren Emerson Perhaps a night at the union is the only occasion when you’ll reluctantly be parted from your mobile phone. You may miss out on getting that cute guy’s number, but at least your beloved piece of technology will still function the next morning.

Orange though want to be with you all the way and, for once, have organised an event that positively shimmers with sophistication. For one week only, it’s acceptable to endorse an event organised by one of the most exploitative industries around.

So, why such applause? Well, Darren Emerson is the guy from Underworld who, lest we forget, were supposed to be offering us a halloween spectacular. Nevertheless, on balance he’s done enough for us to forgive him.

More interesting though is the re-emergence of Icelandic collective, Gus Gus. Once consigned to independent indie-dance crossover mediocrity, reports suggest a turn toward the dark underbelly of the current fascination with glitz and glamour 9pm, Free

Staff list

accolades they've picked up this year, preferring instead to thrash about like epileptic poodles on sherbet. And if you're lucky, they'll still be using Europe's The Final Countdown as their walk-on music. It doesn't get much better than that.

Ticket: £10 advance Tel 02920 20781548

Another week and another piece of daring theatre is showcased at the Chapter Arts Centre. A voyage into what life in Wales may hold for those who stay beyond our student days, this performance doesn’t coincide with Hallowe’en for no reason. Its creator, Eddie Ladd, has drawn his inspiration from cult 60s B movie, Shock Corridor. Somewhere amongst a chiming soundtrack that evokes Ennio Morriconne, a solitary young man, quite

possibly of Welsh origin, will convince himself he’s a female singer scheduled to appear at Club Luz. Sounds all very David Lynch to these ears, but that’s never held regional theatre back in the past.

Bleary eyes surely await as you leave the shelter of the theatre and cautiously return to the streets of Canton; careful, the end may be closer than you think

Tickets £5 Tel. 0292020304400 www.chapter.org

In this issue of GRiP...

GRiP editors: Rob Jackson & Nick Mcdonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) Get there: Neil Krajewski Go all theatrical and (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) play doctors and nurses Arts: LaDonna Hall & a Ninja (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C. Gates (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Blain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Introduce the student Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth, Steve screenings of Changing Hurst, Nick McDonald (gairrhyddtvdesk@hotmail.com) Lanes Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)

05: Books 06: Film

08: Arts 18:Games/ Web

Get down and dirty with the Glastonbury crew

12: Music

Interview Brave Captain and turn the new David Gray album up loud

Take a break from solo pursuits and enjoy a romp in the sand

35: TV

A scrounge through the best and the worst TV

03

GRiP

Union

Jumping Jack Frost @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm. £8 Drum’n’bass in the consistently excellent Silent Running style.

Mondays Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution.

Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend,’ it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, makes Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue.

Saturday 02/11

Tuesdays Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Weekly night of much hilarity and wine. Featuring appearances from John Oliver (29th Oct) and Adam Cochrane (5th Nov)

Wednesdays Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00.

If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all the greatest hits from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle.

Thursdays Eighties Night @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

Live Music Monday 28/10

Tuesday 29/10

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

“I’d be gutted that I didn’t buy my Lash ticket early,” was the cry in the gair rhydd office last year when we inevitably forgot to get our tickets early enough. Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night.

Wednesday 30/10 Brendan Benson + Medium 21 @ Barfly 7.30pm. £5 Rather special singer-songwriter is joined by the fast emerging Medium 21. Brendan Benson does his best to be Badly Drawn Boy and his best is very nearly good enough. Maybe even better than the forthcoming BDB record Alicia Keys + guests @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm. £21.50 Acclaimed international superstar brings her female Stevie Wonder routine to the arena of the UK. In all likelihood a fine night, albeit rather overpriced. Since you’re all supposed to be poor, the NUS directs you to stay at home and wait for her next appearance on Jools Holland.

Thursday 31/10 Nada Surf + Arnold @ Barfly 7.30pm. £6 adv Ignore the headliners, they’re wellworn American indie mediocrity on the come back trail again. Attend to see the magnificent and hugely underrated Arnold. Three albums in and they’re producing beautiful pop music in the vein of Teenage Fanclub and Neil Young that no one seems willing to buy into. Go on, together we can change things and at least get them a headline slot next time around..

Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3.00 One of the UK’s top student night arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2 and other similar drink promotions.

Starshaped @ Seren Las 9pm, £2 Indie, rock and generally alternative sound courtesy of newly crowned gair rhydd legends, Rich and Pete. If the music wasn’t enough, there’s drinks promotions too.

Sundays Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, £1 Laid back sounds in Seren Las. Martini Henry Rifles + Jarcrew + Midasuno 8pm. £3 After all those late nights recently, I only hope none of the Martini Henry Rifles still live with their parents. They remain one of Cardiff’s best bands and if you’ve not noted this already, you could go and see Arnold and then make your way to Clwb and still have change. Just don’t drink.

Friday 01/11 Violent Delight + Strawberry Squad + Psychosquad @ Barfly 7.30pm. £5 Psychosquad feature Lemmy from Motorhead’s son. (This will explain their recent tour support slot with them then. It’s not what you know...- realising ed.) Don’t go in hope that you can make up for missing Motorhead’s appearance in Newport the other week. You can’t, there’s no hope ...... unless......

Fugazi@Bristol Academy 7pm. £7.50 ‘Awesome scenes’, ‘oh, my days’, ‘ all of the phrases of quality inhouse journalism apply here. First appearance in years from legendary noisecore types who’ve inspired just about everybody willing to play hard and fast with an intellect. Attending is going to ruin my weekend, but I (almost) don’t care. There’s a 10pm curfew so you can all get the train home too.

See you then.

Sunday 03/11 Kids Near Water + Garrisson + Jerry Built @ Barfly 3pm. £5 adv Sunday afternoon shenanigans.

Popular with the kids, arrive early to avoid disappointment.

Skateboards strictly optional; showing off outside the Hilton may bring extra credibility with the youth of Gabalfa though.

Charlie Landsborough @ St. Davids Hall 7.30pm. £13-17 Country songwriter who enjoyed a brief glimpse of fame through BBC local radio. Remember your parents on the eve of reading week. The reflective ‘What Colour is the Wind’ was his big hit in case you had forgotten.

Monday 04/11 Luther Vandross @ CIA 7.30pm. £25-28.50 See left in case you needed further incentive.

Death of Cool + The Solar Yen + Sal @ Barfly 7.30pm. £4 And so begins a week where I know nothing about most of the acts playing Barfly before Saturday.

Excuse my ignorance and don’t interpret it as anything other than a recommendation.

Tuesday 05/11 Anyone planning a mid-week house party? Please, someone has got to be doing something. This is really rather pitiful. Possibly the quietest night in Cardiff, Ever!

Thursday 07/11 X is loaded + Nuclear Fish @ Barfly 7.30pm. £4 Get There is also loaded: loaded with rage and incensed that there’s nothing happening in Cardiff this week. Looks as though I’ll have Luther in my head until at least mid November.

Bench + Teflon Monkey + The Keys @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm. £3 Excellent set of bands gather to launch the new Bench album.

Bench are jazzy, trip-hop types, Teflon Monkey smiles and sings sweetly whilst The Keys is the latest guise of what used to be Murry the Hump. Marvellous.

Friday 08/11 Rahzel @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm. £8 Human beatbox extraordinaire returns to Cardiff. The Toucan was heaving last time this member of the Roots paid us a visit; expect similar scenes tonight.

Amsterdam + Red Top Matches @ Barfly 7.30pm. £4 adv Why Amsterdam? At least one act has had the sense to name themselves after Budapest.. Surely, there’s better European capitals you could have chosen.

Nana Mouskouri @ St. Davids Hall 7.30pm. £15.50-22.40 Greek singer-songwriter whose photo is displayed above my computer for reasons unknown.

Saturday 09/11 Queen Adreena + X is greater than Y @ Barfly 7.30pm. £7.50 adv Rough trade nu-metal, if that’s not too striking a paradox. Featuring a woman who used to be in another band that were probably better.

Geraint Jarman a’r Cynghaneddwyr @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm. £7.50 Is it one band or just one man?

Probably not worth the money it’ll cost to find out; ask a Welsh friend for a translation.

The Stylistics @St Davids Hall 7.30pm. £8.50-£15 After Luther, how can you resist?

Sunday 10/11 Taint + Adam Went Home @ Barfly 3pm. £1 Hundred Reasons warm up.

Advance tickets recommended.

Hundred Reasons @ Great Hall 7.30pm. See left for more info on this splendid event.

Films on release in Cardiff...

Lilo and Stitch Starring: cartoon kids

Disney’s new cartoon about a lonely Hawaiian girl who adopts a genetically deformed dog from an alien planet.

Seriously. Her love and faith unlock his heart and give him the ability to care for someone else. Disgusting.

All or Nothing Starring: Timothy Spall, Lesley Manville

London cab driver Phil and girlfriend Penny drift apart amidst the chaos of their grim estate. Expect salt-of-the-earth working class types, moaning about life, the odd one-liner and a bucket load of misery.

My Little Eye Starring: Bradley Cooper, Laura Regan

Disturbing film about five strangers in a Big Brother style experiment, living in a remote house, their every movement broadcast over the internet. It inevitably degenerates into bitching and worse…

Red Dragon Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Edward Norton

Hannibal returns in a prequel to The Silence of the Lambs. ExFBI investigator Will Graham is re-recruited to capture a notorious killer, the Tooth Fairy, by getting inside the mind of this chianti-loving cannibal.

One Hour Photo Starring: Robin Williams

Williams stars as a photo shop owner who enters the lives of his customers by scrutinising their photos. A young suburban family find themselves the unwarranted object of his attention with apparently chilling results.

Get There

The Toe + Old Garbo + The New Rhodes @ Barfly 7.30pm. £3adv Friends of Gorkys, The Toe, return from valleys with more 70s Dead Kennedys era rock glitches. Little to say about the rest, but, as for the origin of the ‘New Rhodes’, perhaps referring to Barry Island.

Attention newcomers! Plans to transform Barry into Ibiza once were revealed once; maybe it’s going to become a idyllic Graeco paradise instead.

Folk/Acoustic Jam Session @ Clwb Ifor Bach. free The obvious and still the best solution to any problem - if you’re not happy then do it yourself. Sadly I can’t play but I’d love to see some of you troubadors go and try.

Fridays

Saturdays

The Boggs + Blue from a Gun + Tetsuo @ Barfly 7.30pm. £4 All the way from New York just for you.

Cardiff’s listings in full

Glenn Tilbrook @ Barfly 7.30pm. £10 adv The guy from Squeeze (ask your parents) returns for another solo show. Most people avoid him until they’re at least 20 and few are known to have returned after their first visit. Not sure what happens behind closed doors, but I suspect he sits on a stool and sings ‘Up the Junction’ at least twice. Bring your own deckchair and/or picnic basket.

This years freshers intake might have missed most of the eighties on account of only being at nursery school, but no matter. It’s never too late to learn about the greatest decade that music has yet to offer.

Spandau Ballet! Duran Duran!

Tiffany! With many ‘special’ guests set to perform in the forthcoming weeks this looks like a night to try out, at the vey least once.

Tom Hingley and the Lovers + Fenton @ Barfly 7.30pm. £5 adv Tom’s lovers must be amongst the most faithful and devoted considering the amount of time they spend travelling with their man, Hingley. Hingkey hingley, for those of you who don’t know (I didn’t), used to be in either The Soup Dragons or The Inspiral Carpets. Possibly both. Hopefully he’ll fall down the same hole as Clint Boon and avoid Radio 1 en route. Make it happen, soon!

Labrat + Drowning @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm. £3 See the future of Tuesday nights at Barfly here for one night only. Stay for Emerge afterwards if you’ve got any sense.

Cream x 10 @ Cardiff International Arena 9pm. £24 Amid all the talk of the death of superclubs, we have the power of Cream multiplied by 10 at this all night affair.

Wednesday 06/11

04

Get TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP Clubbing Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum ’n’ Bass Djs are promised in ultra-student surroundings.

Happy Mondays @ Barfly Sounds like a cash-in off the back of 24 Hour Party people to me, but you could always go and find out.

One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am. Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm.

Gay venue. Chart and Dance.

Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun.

All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Featuring Jason Donovan (14th Oct).

surroundings.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am. Free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace.

Check it out.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

HangThe Deejay @ Barfly 10.30 ope. £3.00/£2.00 NUS 80’s night. Better than the usual nights of this name.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60’s and 70’s.

The value of the 80’s continues to be denied, so I recommend a boycott!

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

Tuesdays

Thursdays

Mondays

Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk. Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in!

Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm - 2am. FREE. Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of Vodka.

Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am. £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thought it.

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm. I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am. £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm.

A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, it’s technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffeur, but highly unlikely.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush

Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

Deja Vu @ Clwb Ifor Bach New night from Clwb featuring Seventies funk and nu-jazz.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else, Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm. Free with NUS. As if Brit-Pop needed reviving with Space on the prowl.

Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am. £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature.

Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm then and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am. £4.

R’n’b and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings.

Fridays Sweat Shop @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Ground Floor) 9pm. £3.

A loud start to the weekend with a feast of emo, stoner-rock and metal.

Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm. £7.

The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop. Featuring Jumping Jack Frost (1st Nov).

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Cadence @ Bar Essential Free Entry. Deep House, Afro Latin and Nu Jazz. Sounds awesome, support it Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and house out on the bay.

ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS. Hard House night featuring regular guest DJS. Including Radio 1 luminaries, Fergie (1st Nov) and, yes him again, Dave P. Cool House @ Emporium £8.

Excellent night that periodically returns to the city. Featuring Radio 1’s Yousef on 8th November.

Saturdays Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am. £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene.

More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm. £3 NUS. Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Sweet’n’Spicy @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am. £3.

Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6. Over 21s only, Smart dress.

If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house Cadence @ Bar Essential Free, see Friday.

Sundays Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm.

The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs.

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps you’re a DJ spinning the decks, or maybe you just take money on the tour. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Furthermore, I know nothing about the distinction between deep, dark, progressive and hard house, but would be happy to learn.

Educate me by e-mailing gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com

Sport In salute of the capital’s recent sporting achievements, gair rhydd introduces Sports Listings. Go on, the rules of Rugby are easy to pick up and no one will notice if you shift allegiance for three years.

Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk) Saturday 2nd November vs Peterborough, 3pm All those division two clashes are of vital importance these days. Tickets start at about £12. Support your local side.

Cardiff Rugby (www.cardiffrfc.com) Friday 8th November vs Free State, 7.15pm International friendly where the currently less than mighty Cardiff take on a touring side from South Africa.

Internationals (www.cardiffstadium.com) Sunday 3rd November Wales vs New Zealand Rugby League friendly. Easier to follow than the Union format but less popular with the Welsh. There’s little chance that you’ll see Jonah Lomu this afternoon, but I’ve no doubt you’ll have grand time. Tickets from about £10.

Saturday 9th November Wales vs Fiji Rugby Union friendly. See preview.

Societies Yoga Society: Membership just £10 a year. Simply come along to classes on Tuesdays, 12-1pm, 1-2pm in the Council Rooms, 4th floor of the Student Union. For further enquiries contact Jo at RobinsonJ4@cardiff.ac.uk.

ISAC: Careers Fair, Great Hall Tuesday 29th October Organised for students by students. Go along and find out what the future may hold. See Focus in this issue for further details.

Irish Society: All members are invited to go on a trip to Galway. The trip will take place late on Thurs 28th Nov returning on Sun 1st December and costs a mere £45. (Get There says) for those of you who’ve never been, Galway is one of the most wonderful places in Europe: there’s a lot of places to drink, you can stay out really late and the whole affair will be absolutely amazing. I have no affiliation with the Irish society, but henceforth regard them as wonderful people - they have Get There’s eternal respect. If you want more info on the trip then email: cardiffirishsociety@hotmail.com A-JE SHQIPETAR! Me quajne Roland dhe po kerkojete formuj “Albanian Society” ne Kardif.

Ju lutem me kontaktoni ne: pallar1@cardiff.ac.uk Xpress Radio: Is looking for students who have been victims of domestic violence whilst at university to contribute to a new feature. Enquiries can be anonymous and will be dealt with sensitively. Please contact Issy at speech@xpressradio.co.uk, for more information or if you feel you would like to help.

Student Action For Refugees (Star): Are holding a Sponsored Space Hopper Event at Talybont Old Field Hall on 23rd November, 10-4pm.

The event is to raise money for UK, United Nations High Commission for Refugees(UNHCR) Various AU sports teams have already committed themselves to the event, as have STAR, SHAG and our own humble union exec! The teams are a maximum of ten people, and it will be a relay race. Space-hoppers will be provided but if you have one you are willing to donate to the event then please contact STAR@cf.ac.uk, who would be extremely grateful. Otherwise go along and support the event!

Unlike the spacehopper society, this does actually exist.

CUSU Live Music Society: Monthly band night @ Moloko, 28/10/02. Featuring Lucky Luciano, The Pinstripe Mafia, Session and Cheesecake. Doors open 8pm. Price: £1/ 50p LMS. At Moloko, 7, Mill Lane. (Get Ian and Mal to show of their cocktail tossing skills).

Calling all societies! Want your event listed in these hallowed pages? E-mail us at gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com with details and we’ll put you in touch with the student masses.

Cardiff Catholic Pirates Society: This month’s meeting is held on 5 November, at 177

Mackintosh Place. Have fun the Roman way! Features a live performance from ‘DC Gates and the Billy Boys’ . Spacehoppers not provided. A moment’s stillness will be held for Guy Fawkes.

Concerned about how YOUR Lottery money is spent? Are you frustrated with much needed funding being syphoned off by one armed, lesbian black, immigrant jugglers? Have your say at the emergency meeting held on 31 November at 88 Bedford St. Debate chaired by Simon Weston. Cheese and nibbles follow with DJ Mencap.

Is it me, or were you gutted when Nye Bevan appeared on 100 Greatest Britons without a traffic cone on his head? Was that sculptor having a laugh or what?

IQ of 180 and can’t remember a thing? Has John Leslie bought you a drink recently?

Mary Whitehouse Society: Are you too discomfited by DC Gates’ tendency towards profanity? I for one won’t let my wife or my servants read him.

Gair Rhydd Clique: Monthly meeting on XX XXXXX at XXXXX. No-one welcome.

Free The Bullseye One Society: This is for all students who think there’s nothing wrong with saying “Nig-Nog” on radio.

The airwaves seem sadly silent with the loss of Jim Bowen. Start the campaign for a slot on Xpress. Free deluxe food mixer with every membership.

John Hartson Society: Inaugural meeting and all-you can-eat buffet. For all those who prefer their footballers to play like a rugby player who’s wandered onto the wrong pitch. Members are required to fall on their ample arse every five minutes and help search for John’s receipt from his hair transplant.

This issue’s space filling comedy comes courtesy of Classifieds, so here goes.....

A high-flying business woman is on the fourth floor office of her primelocation London business centre.

She feels a little queasy, so she opens the window and sticks her head out for a nostril full of fresh air.

Suddenly she trips up and plummets out of the window.

Luckily for her, the building is having work carried out on it, she falls one story and lands straight into the arms of a builder on his tea break.

The builder thinks it’s his lucky day too, a beautiful woman dropping out of the sky into his arms, so he has a cheeky feel here and there. “You’re disgusting!” screams the woman, and the builder drops her in surprise. The woman plummets another story and thank her lucky stars, lands straight into the arms of another builder, also on his teabreak. Now this builder is a bit of a cheeky chappy also, and takes advantage of the situation by having a quick squeeze of the woman.

“Ugh! Get off me!” yells the woman, and the builder drops her in surprise. The woman falls another two stories, and luck beyond luck lands in the arms of yet another builder. By now the woman is only one story up, so she says, “You can grope me, squeeze me, kiss me, just don’t drop me!”. A look of disgust creeps onto the builders face, “You dirty slag” bellows and throws her off the side of the scaffolding.

05

GRiP

ON THE CUTTING EDGE Yes boys and girls, it’s that time again and, seeing as how we at Books have our finger on the proverbial literary pulse, we thought it was about time we got medical. That’s not to say we think that the majority of our readers are sick individuals, nor begging for any opportunity to play ‘Doctors and Nurses’, but, as ‘Fresher’s Flu’ sweeps its sickly way across the campus leaving a sneezing, spluttering student population it its wake, it seems highly appropriate. On a more serious note, with all that’s going on in the world, it might behove the great and the good to read something like The Dressing Station, in order for them to understand the carnage that their political decisions leave in their wake.

ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY?

A CUT ABOVE Collette Caddle (Coronet)

SET IN an Irish cosmetic surgery clinic, A Cut Above is the story of Toni, an administrator who married to a fellow director, the great surgeon Theodore French. Despite the considerable agegap and the warnings from friends and family, she had been flattered by the attention he gave her and his confident nature and success as a surgeon.

However, after several years of marriage, Toni has come to realise that he is arrogant and self-centred, and that she doesn’t love him. As she comes to despise him more and more she realises the feeling is mutual, and that she is merely decoration for him, and nothing else.

But then there’s Chloe - Theodore’s daughter from his first marriage and more like Toni’s friend than stepdaughter - and that’s how she wants it to stay. Delaying her requests for divorce because it is an important time for Chloe only worsens the situation, but she finally breaks the news to her husband that she is leaving. However, Theodore has other plans - he does not grant Toni’s request and blackmails

Dressed to Kill (or Cure) Jonathan Kaplan (Picador)

ex- boyfriend, Ian, to solve the mystery surrounding the great Theodore French.

Collette Caddle approaches her characters in an unusual way. Using a Pulp Fiction-esque technique of placing events in an order other than chronological, it is confusing to begin with. Different parts of the characters histories are only found out half way

The Dressing Station is invaluable as a medical journal; Kaplan’s wealth of experience is clear when he describes in detail the finer points of intricate surgery, giving tips and general advice on common mistakes that are made, as well as normal operating procedure.

This is essentially a ‘hands-on’ account of surgery, but presented in a poignant form that considers the morals and ethics of saving lives, regardless of which side they are fighting for. The diversity of Kaplan’s career itself also renders this book interesting for anyone who aspires to have an

precarious nature of life is extremely moving and is worth reading just to learn more of the tremendous suffering that exists and of those who have the courage and attitude to help lessen these ills. Josey Gist

humorous tone, that makes his Kaplan uses colourful yet books accessible to everyone, detailed language, often whether they are interested in medicine or otherwise. From a with a humorous tone that historical point of view, Kaplan’s makes his book accessible book is a useful source for to everyone eyewitness accounts of modern world events that shaped the world as we know it today. Kaplan touches on unusual medical career, for South African apartheid, explores the he has had experience both in stock market-driven world of the USA secure environments as a and portrays the enormous relief effort hospital surgeon, and in more going on in war-torn countries such as adventurous circumstances as a Kurdistan, where without adequate flying doctor, a ship’s medical medical facilities, life-saving is so much officer, and a field surgeon. more difficult than in the Western world.

Kaplan’s account of the

RED ALERT! FOR ALl those Robin Hobb fans out there chomping at the bit for the next installment of the Tawny Man trilogy, Golden Fool, DON’T BUY IT! Due to a printing error by Harper Collins, chapter 16, a crucial point, plot-wise, is missing. The book is being reprinted and should be back in the shops in a couple of weeks.

COMING SOON! THE NEXT installment in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series is due to be published in a matter of weeks. Nightwatch returns to our old favourites, the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, where Commander Vimes is not so eagerly awaiting the birth of his first child while a psychopath stalks the streets of his city.

Books

THE DRESSING Station is far more than just an autobiography, it is a record of one man’s extraordinary medical career. Jonathan Kaplan’s experiences of performing surgery all over the world, from his time as a trainee to the present day, give the reader a sense of the pressures of war and economics. Kaplan uses colourful yet detailed language, often with a

Caddle approaches her characters in an unusual way, using a Pulp Fictionesque technique

through the novel and seemingly as an afterthought of the author as the plot develops. Halfway through a chapter some new character is thrown in and their history has to be introduced - and if you are not careful it is quite easy to forget what had been happening before that. It isn’t a book you can read a few pages of at a time because you need to read huge chunks of it to get the gist of what is going on and to keep on top of the general plot. There are many characters other than Toni, Theodore and Chloe, all with their own lives and backgrounds and Caddle wants them all to be happy - all the stories are summed up very neatly at the end, but it is almost too neat and perfect.

Nevertheless, it is an enjoyable read. It’s a typical pappy novel that there are probably a million of in the shops. Don’t get me wrong, it was a nice book to read, but does not stand out from any other romantic comedy novel. It’s perfect for a rainy afternoon if you’re avoiding doing coursework, and let’s face it, there’s a lot of those in Cardiff! Kate Shaw

reviews

THE DRESSING STATION: A SURGEON’S ODYSSEY

her into staying by playing on her love for her step-daughter and how much it would ruin her life.

When Toni decides that she cannot take it any longer, she resolves to tell Theodore she is leaving. But he preempts her yet again by disappearing, cutting off all her options, taking all their money and putting their house on the market. It is down to Toni and her

GRiP WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

W eir d but W onderful

Troubled teenager Donnie Darko is told in a vision that the world will end in 28 days. As his local town starts to fall apart, Donnie stumbles across research into the theory of time travel and tries to figure out what is happening and what it has to do with an old woman nicknamed Grandma Death…

DONNIE DARKO

RELEASED: OCT 25TH CERTIFICATE: 15 RUNNING TIME: 113 mins CAST Jake Gyllenhaal: Donnie Darko Drew Barrymore: Karen Pomeroy Patrick Swayze: Jim Cunningham James Duval: Frank ‘The Rabbit’ Dir.: Richard Kelly Scr.: Richard Kelly and greatest film you’ll see all year.

Donnie Darko is the debut feature from writer/director Richard Kelly. Released roughly twelve months ago in America it’s steadily becoming a huge cult success as more people discover it’s brilliance

"In 28 days, 6 hours, 12 minutes and four seconds the world will end."

A pretty weird message all in all, but the fact that it’s delivered to Donnie Darko by a six foot rabbit with an evil mask, who is called Frank, ups the weirdness tenfold.

Oh, and did I mention that Donnie was sleepwalking at the time, and this saves him from being killed by a 747 engine that just falls from the empty sky into his bedroom.

Welcome to the world of Donnie Darko - the weirdest

xXx

RELEASED: OCT 18TH CERTIFICATE: 15 RUNNING TIME: 123 mins CAST Vin Diesel: Xander Cage Asia Argento: Yelena Marton Csokas: Yorgi Samuel L. Jackson: Agent Augustus Gibbons Dir.: Rob Cohen Scr.: Rich Wilkes

A

lthough xXx offers instant disappointment to about 50% of it’s audience, who, dressed in long trenchcoats and weighed down with Kleenex packets, shuffle into the cinema hoping for some hardcore

pornography.

However, the movies obsession with action sequences is a good substitute and still manages to produce a certain level of sexual arousal from the sleazos on the back row.

and try and work out just what it’s all about.

Donnie is a difficult teenager and whilst he’s incredibly intelligent, he’s often hostile and uncommunicative to his family.

He’s on medication for possible schizophrenia and seeing a therapist, but he’s also a very enigmatic and engaging character.

As events in his hometown of Middlesex start take a turn for the bizarre and his visions of Frank the Rabbit become more frequent and alarming, Donnie is lead to the work carried out by a former teacher at his

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

ilm reviews

06 school into the philosophy of time travel. Might this explain what’s happening?

Set in October 1988, Kelly’s story is ostensibly a coming of age drama, but with the weirdness knob turned up to 11.

Whilst there is a strong scifi side to the story, there’s also a jet black streak of humour that runs through the film (notably the hypnotherapy scenes and self help videos) and nods to such disparate films as Harvey, ET and the work of John Hughes.

Donnie’s main confidant is new girl Gretchen, played well

by Gena Malone, with whom a fledgling romance develops as their worlds fall apart around them.

Drew Barrymore and Katherine Ross also put in good supporting roles as Donnie’s teachers, whilst Patrick Swayze’s performance as the self help guru from hell is played to perfection.

It’s Jake Gyllenhaal’s performance as the eponymous hero, though, that will have you mesmerised as he swings from angry teen to disturbed visionary.

Indeed, one of the main reasons why the film succeeds in capturing the imagination completely is Gylenhaal’s riveting acting.

The film has a suitably accurate 80’s soundtrack (bonus points for Joy Division and Duran Duran) as well as a haunting original score and there are plenty of pop culture references to keep people amused, but it’s the film’s storyline which will have people really talking.

Donnie Darko really does demand repeated viewing if you’re to fully understand what’s going on and even

then a visit to the films superbly designed website (www.donniedarko.com) is recommended, just so you can get to grips with its many interconnecting links and ideas.

Critics may complain about Kelly’s many references to other films, but instead they should be marvelling at the abundance of ideas, the bold cinematography and the superb performances that fill his debut film - which cost only $4.5 million dollars.

A startling, truly original and mind blowing film. Just don’t be prepared for any easy answers when it comes to the complete storyline.

It certainly deserves to become a cult classic and is an encouraging sign that Hollywood can still produce intelligent movies.

Andy Parsons

FINAL WORD David Lynch meets Heathers meets Dr. Who in this profound, startling and genuinely original film. Witty and scathing whilst touching the heart at the same time, Richard Kelly’s debut is a must see masterpiece.

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When their best agent gets killed on the job, the American government recruits rebellious extreme sports legend Xander Cage to do their dirty work.

Although the film offers a ridiculous plot and a script with possibly not as many cheesy one liners as Lost In Space, most of these criticisms are easily forgotten because of the sheer speed of Rob Cohen’s Fast and Furious direction.

Vin Diesel is on top form as the rookie spy and extreme sports junkie who jumps explosions on his bike, drives cars from bridges, and, in one of cinemas most exciting

action stunts, snowboards in front of a devastatingly huge avalanche.

To make these stunts even more convincing, Diesel’s face was digitally planted on to the stuntmen’s faces, meaning xXx provides a very cheesy but worthy alternative to a certain upcoming English agent.

Take it with a handful of salt and love it.

Pete Christensen

FINAL WORD Its kinetic energy and testosterone fuelled action sequences stop xXx running out of lead, and Diesel flexes a powerful 4 star performance. Do you see what we did there? Genius!

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WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

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GRiP Modern research assistant Roland Michell and Professor Maud Bailey untangle the clandestine affair between two Victorian poets, Randolph Henry Ash and Christabel LaMotte, which is revealed to them through a series of hidden letters. As they delve further into the mystery they also begin to succumb to mutual attraction.

Literary Stuff With the tag line ‘Human passion is the ultimate mystery’ this transcendent love story gets to the core of that age-old spark.

An adaptation of the bestseller by A.S. Byatt, the most striking feature of Possession is its stunning locations, spanning from the British Museum, London to Whitby, Lincoln and finally Brittany.

POSSESSION

RELEASED: OCT 25TH CERTIFICATE: 12 RUNNING TIME: 102 mins CAST Gwyneth Paltrow: Maud Bailey Aaron Eckhart: Roland Michell Jeremy Northam: Randolph Ash Jennifer Ehle: Christabel LaMotte Dir.: Neil LaBute Scr.: Laura Jones, Neil LaBute & David Henry Twang

They are all shot magnificently and reflect the moods of the scenes; for example a stunning waterfall coincides with a dramatic discovery about the Victorian lovers.

Neither can I find anything at fault with the casting.

Even Paltrow, who can often be a little dull, suits the ice-queen persona of Maud down to the ground, performing her English accent impeccably.

Possession is also stocked with an impressive ‘I know I’ve seen them in some BBC drama, I just can’t remember what’ British cast, despite the two American leads, and a barmy great uncle with a shotgun, who provides some light relief from the heavy emotional stuff that dominates the plot.

At times, the dialogue is syrupy, especially when LaMotte and Ash quote long lines of poetry to each other, but this is broken up nicely by a sub-plot concerning Roland’s arch rivals who attempt to elbow in on the important historical discovery.

This leads to grave digging and fisticuffs and makes for exciting action in amongst the steady pace of the rest of the film.

Especially good is the shift between the past and present. It’s presented like everything else in the film, smoothly and with feeling, and yet somehow you can’t help thinking that it’s nothing that you haven’t seen before.

And that indeed is what you could say about it as a whole.

Having not read the novel, though, I am now compelled to do so.

Ultimately, Possession is sad but satisfying, a thoroughly traditional piece of cinema. Melanie Harrison.

FINAL WORD Possession looks great, sounds great, has real chemistry (but not much nudity; a good or bad thing according to your personal taste), and unfolds in a convincing fashion, but lacks pace and is by no means ground breaking. Worth a look for fans of the book though.

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A Film With a Lot of Gauls ASTERIX AND OBELISK: MISSION CLEOPATRA RELEASED: OCT 18TH CERTIFICATE: PG RUNNING TIME: 108 mins

CAST Christian Clavier: Asterix Gerard Depardieu: Obelix Monica Bellucci: Cleopatra Jamel Debbouze: Edifis Alain Chabat: Julius Caesar

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

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am sure many of you, like me, did not have very high hopes about this movie after the last attempt to transfer the famous French comic book heroes to the silver screen resulted in the dire Asterix and Obelix Take On Caesar.

I was however pleasantly surprised.

Now don’t get me wrong, it is still far from Oscar winning stuff, but it was a vast improvement and definitely qualifies as

a lot to them.

The acting was lacking nothing, especially from Gerard Depardieu, who you really feel deserves better.

The real star was undoubtedly Edifis, played by Jamel Debbouze (Amelie), who was superb and left Asterix and Obelix looking more like his sidekicks than the leads. Katie Orr

FINAL WORD The only real problem with the latest Asterix film is that it was subtitled which means you have to invest more energy into watching it than it deserves. But if you already know and love the two indomitable Gauls, this film is definitely worth a watch as it captures the spirit of the original tales perfectly.

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Film

French heroes Asterix and Obelix, with Dogmatix and a little magic potion, come to the aid of Edifis, a young Egyptian architect commissioned by Cleopatra to build a magnificent palace in only three months or be thrown to the crocodiles.

bit of a tangent, or just parody big movies such as Star Wars and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

The costumes and sets were extremely colourful in a larger than life sort of way which gave the film a very cartoonish look.

Cleopatra and her handmaidens have a wardrobe which will be very popular with all the male viewers, since there was not

reviews

Dir.: Alain Chabat Scr.: Alain Chabat & Rene Goscinny

entertaining. Alain Chabat has done a far better job as director than Claude Zidi did before, by making a film that Rene Goscinny and Albert Uderzo, the original authors, can be proud of.

The plot, script and colour of the film are just right and will be incredibly familiar to all those who love the comics.

The plot contains all the usual classic Asterix and Obelix moments, from thrashing Romans, pirates and anyone else who gets in their way to being rescued from sticky situations by the loyal Dogmatix.

The script was funny without being too silly and as in the books, the funniest bits are the names, such as Narcotix, Getyakix and Lenny Kravix.

There were a few moments when it seemed to go off on a

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ilm promotion

GRiP In association with

gairrhydd student screening fantastic films magnificent movies perfect pictures

130 FREE TICKETS TO BE GIVEN AWAY gair rhydd has teamed up with UGC Cinemas Cardiff to bring its readers an opportunity to see excellent films before they go on general release, ABSOLUTELY FREE! On Wednesday 30th October at 2pm, UGC Cinemas will be showing a special screening of the US Box Office Smash, Changing Lanes, starring Ben Affleck and Samuel L. Jackson, which is reviewed below. To be part of this special screening all you have to do is come up to the gair rhydd office on the 4th floor of the Student’s Union Building and get a ticket for yourself for free. It’s that simple. gair rhydd has 130 tickets to give away, but come as soon as you can because this number will diminish swiftly.

UGC CINEMAS CARDIFF WEDNESDAY 30th OCTOBER Doors open at 2pm Film Begins at 2.30pm WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT When a lawyer and an insurance salesman, both on their way to life changing appointments, crash into each other on the freeway, a tit-for-tat game of cat and mouse escalates between the two desperate men.

Brit Roger Michell’s tale of revenge, Changing Lanes, was a box office smash in America and is set do perform similarly well in the UK. The day long feud between Ben Affleck’s cocky lawyer and Samuel L. Jackson’s alcoholic and excommunicated father,

forces the two protagonists to question society, the law and their personal ethics upon which they run their lives.

With it’s punchy script, claustrophobic direction, superb performances, and intense themes, Changing Lanes is not be missed.

FINAL WORD Dramatic, emotional and intelligent, Changing Lanes is superbly filmed, with a tension that slowly boils throughout. Affleck and Jackson are on top form and are both violent, touching and above all, human.

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To add to this marvellous promotion our friends at UGC CINEMAS have given Film some extra goodies to give away. We have one Road to Perdition T-Shirt and three Road to Perdition watches up for grabs. To win all you have to do is email grfilmdesk@hotmail.com and answer the following easy question. WHAT WAS SAM MENDES’ DEBUT FEATURE?

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GRiP

It’s been an experience...

Arts rarely courts controversy, but when Cardiff saw the arrival of ‘Glastonbury: The Play’, butts were frozen, heads turned and opinions were certainly polarised. For anyone unlucky enough to have missed out, this is what two of our most tenacious contributors offered us in the way of their humble opinions......

Think mud: An exhausting trudge through thick slop that clings in clumps to the soles of your shoes. Well, this was how I felt when I went to watch Zoe Lewis’ sludge of a play, Glastonbury, in Pontcanna fields.

When a huge illuminated tent suddenly emerged from the darkness, glowing with its neon halo, there was a definite sense of excitement in the air between my friends and I. We came across a couple of food stands, a “vegan organic cuisine” juxtaposed next to the typical burger van, symbolic of the extremes you find at Glastonbury. But there were no market stalls to feast your eyes upon as previews to the show had informed. I also felt cheated on the music side of things. The sole three man band (don’t ask me who they were, no one had a clue) only performed one song and this wasn’t even totally live. It felt like a Top of the Pops moment when I really started to doubt whether the vocalist was actually singing over the recorded accompaniment... And somehow the “PEACE” and “LOVE” signs that hung above the bar seemed out of place when you were charged £7.50 for a bottle of wine.

This Glastonbury spoof, with satirical representations of the typical stereotypes that you find at the festival (the new age hippy, a model, a PR man etc.) suddenly flipped into a cringe-worthy tragedy at the end. Although the dialogue was witty at times, the all

too often weak delivery of the actors dampened the script’s potential. The two female actresses, one who played a seventeen-year-old girl and the other a model, did not seemed trained for the stage. They had no depth in their voices and their high pitched shrieks and shrills made me want to shout at them to shut up. At times, the actors didn’t seem to quite know what they were doing, and this confusion seemed to question Keith Allen’s overly ambitious double role as director and performer...

Damien Hirst designed the very boring set. Renowned as a perverse artist, I was disappointed to find that the painted cow was really just a normal cow. There was a canvas covered in tents although it seemed very flat. I did not feel he had captured the unforgettable site of hills and fields completely bombarded with tents and people. There were two revolving stages that were more distracting than there to create a fluid performance. It was a shame that the spacious tent had not been used to its advantage with more scenes jotted around and amidst the audience.

To be fair, however, I did enjoy the atmosphere on the whole. It was great to sit with friends in an informal clump (there are no chairs) with a beer in your hand and feel that occasional chill shudder down your spine to remind you your in a tent. Lurvely.

Alice Barnsdale

Not convinced

Why did you decide to write a play about Glastonbury?

Because I thought it would be a really good piece of entertainment. I know it sounds stupid, but I think that theatre doesn’t have to aim to be a work of art, it can be more disposable than that. That’s the spirit in which I wrote the play. It’s rough around the edges, but it’s trying to cover what Glastonbury means. I think it came off quite well actually, in that there’s something that everyone can recognise in there.

People go to festivals because they want to have a laugh, maybe find out something about themselves, and see if they like that kind of life.

way or that way. I think a lot of Hollywood movies are flawed too, but people are entertained by this play in the same way. I’m interested in making money as well, in making a theatre show culty and edgy and being able to run it and run it.

How do you think your contacts have helped you?

I think if you want to be a commercially successful playwright, especially being a woman, and after working in the music industry, I knew that the way to get my work performed was to get the backing of people who attract attention; the publicity is half the battle. Therefore, if you want to reach a certain audience you have to appeal to them through the people they like to read about. I actually happened to meet Keith Allen through the play and he then showed it to Damien (Hirst); it set off a chain of events. It was great for me but at the same time I’m not going to say I didn’t exploit it. I think you have to if you want publicity. You’ve got to look at it from every angle. You have to look at theatre as art and this play is different and it’s fresh, but it would never have got on if I hadn’t exploited certain avenues.

Hopefully one day people will come to see my work because they know it’s a Zoe Lewis play even if I’m putting it on in an igloo on my own, but at the beginning it doesn’t work like that. The theatre establishment in this country is so tight and close knit and not really very receptive unless you’re one of their darlings.

Everything I’ve done with my career I’ve created myself, because if I’d waited around and sent scripts to the Royal Court I would never have got a look in. I don’t think I have a very conventional style, the kind of style the critics are going to like. It is different and sometimes not very pretty. I’ve always thought, “Well fuck ‘em”, if they’re not going to give me a break then I’ve got to do it myself.

Arts

Glastonbury: The Play certainly attracted its fair share of attention whilst setting up camp in the near wilderness that is Pontcanna Fields in Cardiff. A risky experiment that seeks to infuse the medium of theatre with a gig atmosphere, this play isn’t for the faint hearted (and I’m not just talking about the seating arrangements). LaDonna Hall caught up with the writer Zoe Lewis to find out what exactly she was trying to achieve.

What’s your background as a writer?

I started writing when I was about 15, mainly teenagey plays that won a few teenagey awards.

I always knew I enjoyed it but didn’t pursue it into university. Then I went to work in the music business, producing multi-artist tribute records, but came back to writing slowly in my twenties.

Eventually I quit the music industry and decided to write full time.

I put on my first play, Paradise Syndrome at The Fringe in London - about five girls working in the music industry, a pop culture play like this piece.

Some of the more serious theatre reviewers will probably think Glastonbury: The Play is flawed in this

makeshift, it reflected the mudridden structures of the real festival quite accurately.

The play itself had meaning. It appeared to be a play about the difficulties of relationships; that is, what brings people together and what keeps them apart. In the middle of this was Keith Allen’s familiar hooligan, a product of social neglect and alcohol abuse, a character we are all amused by until we realise the consequences of his loneliness and isolation, which is seen in the closing seconds of the show.

However, to be enveloped in all this meaning and technicality is to be immersed in one small aspect of the whole experience. Do not go and see this play if you are a person constrained by the narrow minded nature of high brow culture (i.e. if it isn’t written by Wagner, Marlowe or Beckett, it ís not worth seeing darling, ra ra ra), you will take it too seriously. If, on the other hand, you love the idea of community, sharing and SIMPLE FUN then I thoroughly recommend taking a trip to see the play elsewhere on its tour, and experience the love people. Peace.

Jamie Grierson

reviews

Who are your target audience?

Young people, between the ages of about 16 and 30, who’ve been to Glastonbury or who like going to gigs but would never consider going to the theatre, quite reasonably because if they want pure mind-numbing entertainment you wouldn’t think about coming to the theatre. I think that maybe you can reclaim live drama as a viable source of entertainment, rather than something that’s quite high-brow and intellectual. That’s why I wrote it.

Zoe and Damien get cosy

Loved it

Glastonbury: The Play, like the festival itself, was a unique experience. It was performed in a medium sized tent somewhere in Cardiff, outside of which burger vans, vegetarian cuisine vendors and those fantastic port-aloos we all love, were located. Inside the tent there were no seats; the audience must sit on the floor, where we were all free and welcome to drink, eat, lie down etc. Now, already this will be ringing bells for those of you who have attended the greatest festival known to man.

However, perhaps contrary to assumptions made about the play, whether or not you have actually been to the Glastonbury Festival is regardless. What writer Zoe Lewis, director Keith Allen and an incredibly talented production crew have managed to do is capture a feeling and spirit that is found when attending Glastonbury and reflect it quite brilliantly for anybody to experience. The whole event had ‘Glastonbury Festival’ stamped all over it; the makeshift tent, the creaky stage, the booze, the cold, all contributing to the fantastic communal vibe.

To get technical, which I suppose I have to do, the plot of the play was quite simply a slideshow of a handful of characters and their involvement and experiences at the real festival. The characters were brought to life through acting that was no less than competent and in the case of a few performances, notably Keith Allen’s tragi-comic yob, quite brilliant. Fred the hippie represented the conflict between personal life and political motivation excellently, while Kieran O’Brian and Bronwen Davies reflected the shallow nature of celebrity with a dark wit. The set, designed by Damien Hirst, had such a spontaneous feel to it, so shoddy and

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rtrseviews

GRiP

Art happening of the Fortnight

Death becomes

them

SARA REES/ DAVID GARNER: MEMENTO g39

MEMENTO, THE latest exhibition at the g39 gallery, is themed around heavyweight subjects: loss, memory, grief. Both of the emergent Welsh artists on display, Sara Rees and David Garner, perfectly capture the essential dichotomy in art examining such feelings: though fundamentally universal in their capacity to affect all people, any individual attempting to make some sense of them must necessarily do so from a specifically personal perspective.

This duality finds an outlet in overt politicisation for Garner: both of his installations deal with the death of the artist’s father, a casualty of the Welsh mining industry. His mining jacket is worn in Do not go gentle not by a physical body, but by a clinical x-ray of his chest after death, black and white blurring unhealthily into each other. A useless gas mask hangs limply down in place of a head, and the entire structure is hung from the ceiling by a massive, rusted chain. ‘Industrial disease’, as stated on the death certificate, or state-sanctioned murder?

Garner’s own opinion is clear.

It is History Lesson (what price for coal?) where Garner strikes the greatest emotional blow, though. A school desk faces a free-standing door on which a coat hangs; between the two objects Garner has laid a stretcher, forming a crucifix pattern. All in front of the door appears obsolete and antiquated, with muted browns and greys dominating; the presence of a thermos flask in the pocket of the coat indicates not life, but stagnation and the process of death. What lies beyond the door is unknown: the structure recalls Marcel Duchamp’s Fresh

SADLY SOLO JOE International Festival of Musical Theatre Sherman Theatre ON MONDAY I went to see the up-and-coming musical Sadly Solo Joe, words written

by Richard Williams and music by Peter Readman. The International Festival of Musical Theatre had ‘promised to present the best of musical theatre, old and new, large and small.’

Widow, but with an all-pervading hopelessness replacing Duchamp’s dark irony. Yet Garner allows a sliver of ambiguity: despite the bleakness of the drawn-out inevitability of dying, death itself is presented merely as a gateway, though the door remains firmly closed.

Sara Rees takes a different angle, forming universal statements from multiple personal approaches. In Description Of A Picture/Explosion Of A Memory, fragmented, handwritten sentences are imprinted on the walls of a darkened room, visible only when a light sweeps past them. By decontextualising these collected memories from their history, Rees turns them into universal sentiments: ‘your name is carved in gold in my heart’, ‘...which glistened like stardust just beyond my reach’, and in a desperate, childish scrawl, ‘I will never forget and I love you’. Yet it’s a frustrating work: as the sentences fade in and out, it’s impossible to read them at leisure.

Rees forces the same inability to control events on her audience as death forces on those affected by it.

Rees’ Aurora, situated in g39’s dark, dank cellar, is the simplest piece on display. A dimmed chandelier hangs above black plastic sheeting, with its muted reflection proving more compelling than the original light source. The quasi-religious reverence of the atmosphere is reminiscent of a church, though one stripped of all ornamentation. Where Garner’s art rages against death and dying, and Description… frustrates and tantalises, Aurora pulses with quiet, almost reverential acceptance: it possesses a sense of peace not present elsewhere

However, I felt it was a weak opening to the festival that had such big promises.

In short, but, in fact, there wasn’t really that much more to it, the musical was an insight into the lonely life of thirty-eight year old Joe. He has never had a girlfriend, but when he meets the equally neurotic Odetta he, of course, falls in love. She rejects him then proceeds to go to bed with his best friend Jerry. Joe becomes overwhelmed by bitterness and he poisons both of them and, furthermore, goes on to accidentally throw his new lady out of the window of his flat. You have probably already picked up on my feeling that this play is not

in Memento, in many ways the logical conclusion to the other installations. Alex Macpherson

David Garner: artist with a message or just plain morbid?

merely You have probably picked up farcical but on my feeling that this play is laboriously silly. not merely farcical but Moreover, laboriously silly. discursively throughout cringing possible (without (Odetta), and Jackie Morrison, the play are constant getting rid of the script) from (Nicki). Row’s deep and references to Joe’s memory the audience. Row has great soulful voice is particularly and how he remembers stage presence and was powerful. However, everything that has ever thoroughly engaging from memorable songs could have happened to him, even his beginning to end. The rest of enriched the strong vocalist birth. The arbitrariness of this the casts’ acting remained at performances even more, tangent is furtherly baffling as, sadly though I found them even by the end, the plot does surface-level, conforming to well-known stereotypes and tepid and mundane. not reveal the purpose of this caricatures of melodramas.

I left the theatre in a hurry, theme.

The singing was not but the performance received However, Olivier award disappointing. The production warm and enthusiastic winner – Clive Row, who endearments from most in the shows-off a strong group of plays Joe, delivers the cliched audience. soloists. Row sang beautiful virginity gags brilliantly, Liz Moreton harmonies with Vivien Parry, evoking the least amount of

Sadly drawn boy

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GRiP

THE ONE AND TONY guitar-inhand recreation of his book One Hit Wonderland, is a tour-deforce in which the artist displays his musical skills alongside with his ironical nature, so as to provide a criticism of the always selfcomplacent world of Pop music. Thus, Mr. Hawks questions himself about the absurdity of the lyrical content of alltime number one songs, such as The Sound of Music or Baccara’s "Sorry I’m a Lady", in order to later join this trend to try and get an Euro hit with a song about a Pixie. Very telling is the footage of his interview with the omnipresent Simon Cowell, who clearly states that he is wasting his time because he is not the "cute boy" type and he will never make it (very telling of Mr. Cowell!)

The Cardiff show, although

TONY HAWKS: ONE HIT WONDERLAND SHERMAN THEATRE

F

rom his entrance on a skateboard to the Peterpanesque finale, Tony Hawks takes the audience on an audio-satirical journey through the ups and downs of his latest bet: to achieve a new hit single. The show, a

coherent in structure, left this journalist with a feeling of being the guinea pig of Mr Hawks, as he kept improvising all the time and forgetting bits and pieces of the script (not to mention the fact that he was checking his watch every now and then to see how much show was left). In a later conversation with the showman, he disclosed that this was due to the fact that the only rehearsal of the whole show had been minutes before the opening, and that the show will definitely change within the next performances. Luckily enough, Wily, his man-foreverything, who was also part of the show, helped him to sort out all the mistakes and inconsistencies of the show.

On the whole, a good structured performance seasoned with fine parody and passages from the author’s book, plus some audience interaction bits, make the show quite enjoyable and worth seeing. However Mr. Hawks, why that selfcomplacence when you are only "half way there"? The show has much more to offer, so I will give you a tip: rehearse!

Josh Vazquez

“EL BOLLOCKS! I promised Fidel I wouldn’t appear on el gair rhydd Arts page! And I’ve gone and done it yet again!”

- Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara, writing exclusively for

gair rhydd

PO-WELSH-TRY ACADEMI NEW WELSH WRITING TOUR: GLAMORGAN UNIVERSITY

O

unassuming work, describing heart felt emotions but still managing to get a laugh.

The second of tonights poets, Jeremy Hooker, marks a deep contrast in styles.

Following on from a recent collaboration with artist and sculptor Lee Grandjean, Jeremy Hookers new book Adamah (a hebrew word meaning earthling) is a

rganised by Academi (The Welsh Literature Promotion Agency) the New Welsh writing ANN DRYSDALE tour is an occasional series DRAWS INSPIRATION of recitals FROM EVERYTHING intending to ‘take FROM TUNISIAN literature out of the PRIESTS TO WELSH library and onto SEWERS the road’ with prominent Welsh authors and poets collection of poems and reading from some of their larger poetical sequences new material. Tonights event dealing with humanity and at Glamorgan university is the memories of his family. A first stop of the tour and world away from the features two poets of differing nonchalant observations of styles.

Ann Drysdale, Hookers poetry Opening the evening is the is more profound, trading humourous and relaxed offhand wit for very personal poetry of Ann Drysdale.

Reading from her lastest book observation of his childhood and memories of his late Backwork, Ann draws brother. inspiration from the many An informal and deeply varied experiences in her life, enjoyable opportunity to see from Tunisian priests and some of Wales leading writers their pet canaries to a graphic reading from their work, the description of walking through a South Wales sewer trying to tours next event will be Cardiff in early November, for determine whether turds can those interested in seeing the slink. An engaging performer voices behind the words, one as well as talented poet, Ann not to be missed. often disguises deep Rob Jackson tenderness in her

HAVANA LAFF AMERICAN SALSA DANCING BAR CUBA

C

Andy Tate

Arts

But I would have preferred to dance to tunes before they’d been shoved in a blender with Ricky Martin and a bizarre strain of techno.

“American salsa”, it seems, is another miserable example of how something beautiful can be emptied of soul and substance, shrinkwrapped and sold for dollars.

To add insult to probable groin injury, Bar Cuba sells Bacardi

rum. Bacardi, which fled Cuba following its popular revolution of 1959, spends huge amounts of money campaigning for tighter trade restrictions on Cuba, while trading on the wicked lie that it is a friend to the little island it has tried so hard to ruin. Both the rum and the salsa exploit Cuba as a parasite feeds of its host, a depressing sign that America’s bulimic project of cultural vandalism is flourishing here in Cardiff. Bacardi pushes its American rum by pretending to be Cuban. Bar Cuba gives us “American salsa” and expects us to be moved.

reviews

he Guevara would have choked on his cigar.

AMERICAN salsa dancing? Cardiff’s Bar Cuba offers just that, every Tuesday.

And as with everything the Yanks get their hands on, it’s bigger and brasher than the original. Wearing incredibly shiny shoes and a microphone strapped across his face, our cherubic Welsh instructor began by giving us some essential advice: “Pretend you’re not British”. Because American salsa is not for coy, dignified types. It’s for people who want to “have sex with their clothes on”.

And this, pretty much, is what we did. Groping and grinding was in, the rhythm less important. “Girls, rub your hands down his chest”. “Guys, she has to do exactly what you want”. Surprisingly, even given license to dry-hump their partners for two hours in the name of art, the blokes were relatively few in number. This provided the added frisson of girl-on-girl action, as the outnumbered females were forced to find partners among their own. And all for £4!

But as I made my excuses and prepared to leave, it struck me that something was missing. I had come to learn how to dance salsa but was walking away with a series of tacky shapes I would scarcely risk throwing in my own mirror, let alone before an unsuspecting partner untrained in the ways of Bar Cuba.

As no single textbook definition of salsa exists, there can’t really be a right or wrong way of doing these things.

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Unnatural Disasters

HEY’RE LOUD, they’re raucous but they’re also lovely blokes. Jamie Fullerton has a quiet word with the boys from Brighton that are causing a rock and roll sensation up and down the nation - The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster.

IT’S DARK, it’s fairly damp and it’s very, very loud. Perched onstage at the underground Barfly Guy McKnight, frontman of The Eighties Matchbox BLine Disaster quiveringly mutters like he’s had a smack overdose and left the needle in, before bellowing "I WANT TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER" to the bewildered sixth-form students below him. This is ten minutes before he pounds his fists against his own head, rushes into the crowd to arse-barge them, pours water down his ear canal and attempts to lynch himself with his mic lead. Oh, and bursts into tears.

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N THE verge of the release of his 3rd a l b u m , Advertisement’s For Myself and his gig for local label Boobytrap, Martin Carr (aka Brave Captain) talks to Maria Thomas about politics, drugs and appearing on Zig and Zag.

HE HAS boundless enthusiasm for music, from The Jesus and Mary Chain to Destiny’s Child. He’s listened to Highway 61 Revisited every day since he was fourteen and describes appearing on Zig and Zag as "the best thing I ever did". He’d like to play football for Liverpool but couldn’t handle the clean-cut lifestyle. He is Martin Carr, articulate scouser and shambolic pop mastermind. But you can call him Brave Captain.

Carr’s latest album sounds like he’s thrown all his Beatles albums in the dustbin, but he claims "guitar music’s alive, I just don’t like what it’s doing. If The Beatles were here now they wouldn’t be like Oasis or Coldplay because they kept up. When I was a kid I hated U2 from the start – true rock music, proper songs. It’s boring." This explains the eclectic electronica of Advertisements for Myself. "I had more ideas about the sounds. I read reviews saying I did it on a computer…we did it all in the studio with a band." Despite loving Aphex Twin, The Streets and Squarepusher, he maintains his influences haven’t radically changed.

"I’ve just bought them to the fore. With the band not everyone liked the same music. Having to check everything with three people wears you down. It’s nice to be able to get an idea and go and do it."

But being a singer has drawbacks.

"I’ve got to take care of myself. I’m

Two hours earlier the dungeon master of medieval metal’s henchmen, that’s Sym on the bass, Marc and Andy manning the guitars and Tom smashing the drums tell us why a raucously filthy racket is soooo much better than a quiet little strum… "Well, personally I quite like my quiet time" Andy reveals. "I reckon I like a balance, a bit of moderation.". "If there was no loud, then it would always be quiet. Now that was profound. I’ve been waiting to unleash that one.". Er… OK then. Well maybe they’re just saving themselves for the evening then, maybe it’s the presence of the moon that transforms them into the metal monsters that comprise the greatest live show in the land without question.

So, the story behind Brighton’s best?

Guy clues us up, "The three of us (that’s Guy, Marc and Tom) grew up together, well separately, but together. We met Sym and Andy around about ’98 ‘cos Marc was playing in a band with Andy, we were just looking for the perfect people for a few years. But we couldn’t play our instruments and we didn’t have any songs but we were the best band in the world. And then umm… around the trying to keep away from my band because they chain smoke spliffs all day and I can’t join in." He’s t h o u g h t f u l regarding the experience of finally singing his own lyrics.

"Sometimes when you hear yourself you are surprised.

But it was harder for Sice because he didn’t know what I was on about half the time. I loved it because I just got hammered and stood at the side." So does the Captain still see his old crew? "Bob was supposed to be playing tonight but he broke his foot. We’re all still mates."

Carr admits his past as the writer of bouncy Britpop anthem Wake up Boo has helped his solo career. "I was riding a lot of goodwill. It’s harder now – a lot less space, a lot more bands. But that’s nice - I’d hate to think I was getting an easy ride." He remains untroubled by Wake Up’s success. "I love playing people the album, the weird bits, and saying ‘this is a number one album, listen, it’s mental!’"

His recent work is quite political.

"After years of gorging on food, drugs and drink, I thought I should try giving a bit back" he laughs, apologising for thinking aloud while simultaneously stealing one of your interviewer’s cigarettes. "But I’m more concerned now than ever. It’s not because you’re successful so you just go and get twatted. You’re busy. I didn’t watch the news for years. And then when we split up…" You realised the world was a bit of a mess? "Yeah. There are politically clumsy things on the album. When it has to scan you cut bits off and it appears simplistic. It would be great if I could rap because you can get much more expression into it."

Carr says his love of Cardiff stems

millennium we came up with the name and then really started to kick into action. So we’ve been going for about two years as a band, four years in theory as a band that can’t play, and about 20 years as a bunch of good guys.".

Good guys indeed, and their debut album is the most exhilarating 25 minutes you’ll shove down your ears all year. But how does it compare to such a ridiculously rampant live show?

Mark’s not sure it can, "It can only go so far, because it’s only a piece of vinyl, you obviously don’t have any visuals at all so you’re only getting half the

experience, and it’s not even live.". Guy agrees, "We can’t really look at it objectively at all, but I think, like Mark says, it’s just one medium isn’t it, it’s been well received so I dunno, it’s alright I guess.".

Then there’s that album title, Horse Of The Dog. What the fuck is that all about? Guy’s Dad is to blame, "It was my father. It was a profound new millennium revelation that he had…" "…After a glass of wine and a joint."

Andy chips in, "It’s pronounced Hourse of the Doug. You can see it, it’s got the umlauts on.". Well there you have it.

It’s all in the umlauts.

Captain Fantastic from the "surplus of dole-y musicians.

I’d never have been able to get two bands to play with me within a year in London". But there’s no pinning Martin

down. "I can’t wait to leave now; I can’t see myself staying anywhere forever."

Oh well, our loss is somewhere else’s gain.

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PICK OF Single of the Fortnight THE REST DOVES Caught By The River Heavenly

THE PATTERN Nothing Of Value Wichita STUFF THE White Stripes and the Strokes, The Pattern are the best band to arrive from America in the past year.

This is the second single from the album Real Feelness, and blends the attitude of seventies punk with the urgency and power of early Who and MC5 records. Strained and gravelly vocals perfectly complement the reliable and efficient guitars and drums: this is rock the way it should be played!

Anthony Lloyd

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THE STREETS Don’t Mug Yourself Locked On / 679 YET ANOTHER top notch tune from the cheeky Brummie featuring big comedy beats and Mike and his mate discussing the merits and sins of calling a girl he met last night.

“Why should she be the one who decides if it’s on or off or on?” they advise sagely.

Of course if they’d seen Swingers they’d know the optimum time is 7 days...

Andy Parsons

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MC PITMAN Witness The Pitness Son Records THE REBEL Lancashire miner is back again with a witty bootleg of Roots Manuva’s Witness.

The Streets, Rolf Harris, The Krankies, your mum - no one escapes his acid tongue. ‘Yeh get meh?” Andy Parsons

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Drifting Away KEALER God Help Us Excess GOD HELP Us, the newest release from this rising star, is certainly not a phrase you’ll catch yourself saying when you hear it. With its Supergrass meets Shaun Mullins sound, it’s guaranteed to appeal to a wide and varied audience, and its catchy chorus and bass line is certain to have you singing along in no time at all (God help your flat mates is all I can say!).

Although it’s nothing that hasn’t been heard before it is definitely worth sampling, especially with such excellent bonus tracks being included on the single’s CD. Jennie Green

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PEARL JAM I Am Mine Epic PEARL JAM’S new single introduces us to a new side of the group. Gone are the expansive vocals and guitars of old and in comes a folk rock tune complete with circular riff, strings, deep vocals and navel gazing lyrics. A disappointing “mature” effort from a band that once used grunge to gloriously explore the dysfunction of middle-class American teens.

Bill Cummings

Doves: the long awaited return of Jimi’s beard to Music

budding genre: a name to remember for reasons other than sounding like a German dog. Amy Lindsay

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THE BUFFSEEDS Who Stole The Weekend Fantastic Plastic THIS IS the latest release from the Devon foursome, and comes from their debut album with whom they worked with Ian Caple. Who also worked with JJ72. And boy does it show, with vocals that attempt to match the pre-pubescence that Mark Greaney possesses, but it doesn't even come close.

Tim Carne

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IDLEWILD Live In A Hiding Place Parlophone CONTINUING IDLEWILD’S transformation from cerebral indie-grunge merchants into REM, Live In A Hiding Place boasts sweetly harmonised backing vocals, subtly pealing, expansive guitars and a softly melancholic melody; it’s a far cry from Everyone Says You’re So Fragile, anyway.

Still, it’s all very enjoyable nonetheless. Expect Roddy Woomble to have shaved his head and come out by this time next year; what, they’ve already lost a member?

Alex Macpherson

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FROU FROU Must Be Dreaming Island Records

THE HIGH AND LONESOME Breaking Down the Walls / Two Tall Trees DB Records

FOLLOWING IN the vein of Kosheen and Goldfrapp comes the current single from newcomers Frou Frou. The formula is one that has infiltrated the music scene over the last two years, with ethereal, vulnerable vocals (think Beth Orton), lying on a carpet of strings and breakbeat. Whilst some bands have hashed these elements together to spew out the musical equivalent of a Picasso, Must Be Dreaming blends the ingredients to produce a delicious slice of toetapping trip-hop. Frou Frou are a great addition to a

IGNORE BREAKING Down the Walls as it’s about as interesting as Turin Brakes.

Instead, hop over to b-side Two Tall Trees, a slightly mad folk ballad about climbing trees to escape the miseries of love. Or something. Whatever, on this song, singer songwriter David Blayze coos like the missing link between Nick Drake and Art Garfunkel. All this AND he looks like a doeeyd Julian Casablancas on the cover. Sod. Jon Widdop

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THE JON SPENCER BLUES EXPLOSION Shakin’ Rock N Roll Tonight Mute JON SPENCER “wants to get crazy” and he “wants to get famous” while he “rocks our city tonight” and boy does he do it with some style on the latest single from the Plastic Fang album. Sticking to the big ole guns of making it loud, making it fast and making sure it rocks like a ship in a hurricane The Blues Explosion’s patented blend of blues, rock and all-out mayhem certainly doesn’t fail on this 2 minute shot of adrenaline.

Andy Parsons

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MOBY In This World Mute THE LATEST offering from the self-righteous shiny-scalped one presents little to entice the eardrums. The hackneyed blend of strings, piano and bluesy vocals, courtesy of Jennifer Price, are finely crafted yet strike the listener as a tad unimaginative. Moby seems to be harking back to his stunningly successful Playdays, as In This World could easily be mistaken for Natural Blues, a single that exhaled a breath of fresh air into 90’s music. It’s unlikely this latest single will receive the acclaim of its successor and rightfully so.

Only insomniacs and supermarket muzak-lovers need apply. Amy Lindsay

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THE VINES Outtathaway!

Heavenly JEEZUS. ISN’T it time someone pulled the plug on this neo-garage rockandrollmotherfucking sexless fad for good, before any more records as shocking as this are lapped up? Yes, this is another embrassing 2 1/2 minutes of tuneless lazy scraps which is in no way different to their lastthree singles, or indeed any other shit record released since 1996. PS: the singer is

NOT attractive. Now fuck off!

Jon Widdop Zero stars

DAVID DAVID Ask Arthur Homemade Records ASK ARTHUR is a perfect showcase of David David’s oddball indie-rock. Endlessly versatile and inventive, the guitars and bass interweave in tricky rhythms like a pop Fugazi, building to a singalong chorus and a pounding outro.

Mark Lord’s soaring voice isn’t shown off to full effect, but anyway, this single manages to consolidate David David’s position as the most underrated band in Cardiff.

Mat Croft

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HELL IS FOR HEROES Night Vision Chrysalis AFTER THE astounding I Can Climb Mountains, Hell is For Heroes return with the fourth single from their still unreleased debut album. While it takes until the first chorus to reach the urgent rush that made their last single so addictive, when it gets there it’s nearly as effective, and you’ll soon be shouting along to its “I can’t see at all” refrain.

Owain Cooke

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CABARET VOLTAIRE Nag Nag Nag Mute AS THE spectre of electroclash looms over the horizon of pop, a timely reminder of one of the scenes earliest influences and how Cabaret Voltaire helped develop electronic music at the beginning of the 80’s. Originally released in 1979, Nag Nag Nag has been blended and sliced by Tiga & Zyntherius (Sunglasses At Night), Richard H Kirk (original band member) and current wunderchild of the electronic scene, Akufen. Indeed it is Akufen’s excellent broken house mix which takes the inspiration of the original and deconstructs it into the sound of the future. Andy Parsons

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ELF-LIKE diva Annette Strean manages to pull off the whole Bjork/Tori Amos amalgamation thing to a tee, but instead of sounding like a wannabe, she positively blossoms on this luscious EP. Title track Hummingbirds, with its epic beats and emotive vocals, is a pure ray of sunshine, and then we are gently carried back to Earth with the beautiful Bella Luna; a swirling, soaring burst of emotion which leaves you tingling.

If ever there was a band that epitomised the Spring, Venus Hum with their resplendent pastoral imagery would be it.

Gemma Jones

YOU MAY have gathered over the years that here at music we have a soft spot for Doves and their epic indie sounds.

Surprise, surprise then that their latest single goes straight into our single of the fortnight spot.

But then again there’s very little on release this fortnight that lives up to standard of this gem of a track. The closing track on the superb The Last Broadcast, Caught by The River is a sublime slow burning classic, echoing Nick Drake at his very best. Turn on, tune in and drift downstream.

Andy Parsons

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The Modfather Part III Photo: Rob Jackson

PAUL WELLER CIA PAUL WELLER, the Modfather, is a man of many faces; from the punk origins of the Jam, to the dance precursor of the Style Council, to the bog standard ‘dadrock’ that he now chooses to promote. It is because of all these influences that Weller is so impressive tonight. Whatever your taste in music this man tries it.

His set begins with the good old dadrock that harks back to his mod beginnings with a touch of Ocean Colour Scene, undoubtedly helped by the presence of ‘Scene guitarist Steve Craddock. However, it is in the acoustic interlude that Weller really shines. His voice glides sweetly over melodies but still has the rasp that shows it hasn’t changed since 1977.

It is in this section that the thirty something crowd really start to show some enthusiasm.

Weller attacks That’s Entertainment as though he only wrote yesterday, and proceeds to play a searing rendition of You do Something to Me that makes you want to reach for your lighter.

Unfortunately, Paul Weller does have hit a low point, which is his new material. It sounds like a form of new wave jazz, with ten-minute jams and drum solos: avant guard is not style.

Despite the weakness of the new material the night does get better. Town Called Malice excites the crowd to no end, while the encore of Changing Man is the perfect end. He may be the ultimate purveyor of dadrock, but you just can’t help enjoying yourself.

Anthony Lloyd

Paul Weller: Pipe and slippers not shown.

MARAH The Queens Head, Monmouth IT WAS the last night of a month-long tour promoting their third album Float Away With the Friday Night Gods.This time the Marah behemoth descended upon the Welsh town of Monmouth, and for one night only, turned the sleepy birthplace of Henry V into a rock-infused, alcohol-driven guitar-fest.

A cosmopolitan crowd had gathered from all over the UK to emphatically welcome the band. There was an expectant air as Marah entered stage.History was delivered with surgical precision and followed effortlessly by the beautifully crafted In The City. The soaring grace of Dave’s voice, the acrobatic melodies and ripping bass-lines ensured that Soul lived up to its name and Revolution inspired even the most stoic of giggoers.The infectious passion and energy of the band fed straight back to the audience. The decision to offer Love Train as an encore was greeted with explosive delight.

Anyone expecting a rehearsed and polished show would be disappointed for the charm of Marah lies in their spontaneity and their ability to deliver caustic rock ‘n’ roll with heart-felt conviction.This is a band without pretension or gimmick, just pure rock ‘n’ roll at its finest.

Becky Wedlake

THE CORAL Bristol University THE 1,000 strong crowd were growing restless for the late arrival of The Coral.

Without apology, the band launched straight into their Doors-inspired set, incorporating unexpected time changes and swirling riffs reminiscent of Mogwai and Gomez.

Follow the Sun combined hauntingly beautiful vocals with fused melancholic grooves before a manic number suggestive of Stiltskin, followed by a lysergic offering punctuated by the broken riff of Nirvana’s Plateau.

Dreaming Of You was delivered with the enigmatic intensity of Jeff Buckley.

The infectious Goodbye was presented last and delivered with spirit previously lacking.The mis-song instrumental was evocative but a little too long and boredom began to show. The rousing final chorus however, restored the powerfully emotive atmosphere.

Little crowd interaction and The Coral’s pugnacity suggested that the music was about art, not the audience.

At times, the band appeared bored, unimaginative. James (vocals) who looked vaguely uncomfortable was visibly (and without reason) disappointed by his performance. That said, the mystical guitars, intricate piano and intensity of the band made Planet Coral well worth visiting.

Becky Wedlake

DEATH IN VEGAS / ELECTRELANE Bristol Academy “WE WANT to make music that interests, excites, and makes people feel strongly”, claim support band Electrelane. They made me feel strongly like going to the bar, but the Brighton girl band played competently enough to engage the majority of the crowd’s attention until the main act.

Death in Vegas eventually heightened the mood after around three tracks’ worth of getting started, and certainly entertained the predominantly older crowd, especially the Ian Brown lookalike with Toni & Guy mullet who managed to injure much of the audience with his boxing-inspired ‘dancing’.

DIV’s use of sampled vocals and therefore lack of microphones restricted crowd interaction and there was minimal movement from most of the band, but the lack of stage presence was overcome by the pairing of tracks with stunning visuals, particularly a loop of marching soldiers contrasting with the heavenly sounds of Dirge.

The layered instrumental sound was achieved by a further five musicians in front of Holmes and Fearless’s decks, which at one point amounted to four guitarists on stage. The tracks were true to the studio recordings but still had a raw edge; at times it felt like watching a jam session.

Most of the better known songs were left until the encore, leaving the bulk of the set aside for new, even darker material, but the audience were appreciative throughout. With the addition of a microphone and a bigger role for the technician wearing a ‘death’ mask, this gig would have been incredible, but DIV are close to that already. Morwenna Kearns

KID GALAHAD / SEXY VEGAS SUPERSTARS Barfly IMAGINE THE scene. You’re chilling

with a brewski and watching the first support band, Naked Fish, set up. You think “Hrmmm... Naked Fish... Quite a funny name.. Should be interesting.”

Then, they break into their first song.

Your jaw drops open. One band name is now running through your head: Bon Jovi. Your fingers match the stolen guitar riff, whilst you ignore the vocals and everything else. Thankfully, their set only lasted for 20 minutes. On next were Sexy Vegas Superstars (you know... the ones who have stickers in every Gents toilet in Cardiff). Luckily, these lads managed to shake me out of my instinct to run away from Naked Fish as fast as possible, and instead listen to their varied set, which supplied more than the one sound that we have to listen to with so many of today’s bands.

The club was only one third full when Kid Galahad took to the stage, but despite the poor turnout they gave it their all. Leaping, head banging and screaming, they managed to captivate the small crowd. With K.G’s lead singer, Ash, jumping between the main microphone and keyboard, it was surprising he wasn’t knocked out by the guitarist, who wouldn’t stop jumping and swinging about. With Ash howling like a Banshee one minute, and singing like Thom Yorke the next, you could see that these guys really take themselves seriously, and put it all into their music. Their set flew by, and before you realised it, they were on their final song. After much bartering with a crowd member over the purchase of his Mickey Mouse jumper in the short prelude (the bid was on $10), Ash refused to sell. He gave it his all, before coming crashing down on his keyboard with an almighty racket. After the members walked off stage, over the light conversation in the club, you could easily hear the pleading words “Alright... $100”, from the crowd member.

Tim Carne

LUPINE HOWL Barfly

THIS WAS the first date on Lupine Howl’s tour promoting their new album The Bar At The End Of The World.

Ironically enough this is what the Barfly must have seemed like with most of Cardiff (and the support band) staying away due to the Wales vs. Italy football match. Playing in front of a crowd of less than 100 people must have seemed like a big comedown from their

days headlining the Royal Albert Hall with Spiritualized. To their credit however, Lupine Howl just get on with it and play. In the past they’ve received criticism for sounding like a cut price Spiritualized without the orchestra or choir, but tonight sees them come more into focus as their own band. Their sound still frequently echoes that of their previous group, and well it should considering they helped make one of the greatest albums of the last ten years 1997’s Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space. However, they now seem to have more of their own direction, still writing epic songs but infusing them with touches of psychedelia, such as the sublime current single Don’t Lose Your Head which utilises one of the sweetest slide guitar parts since Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You. Sometimes their songs suffer from being overlong but they do work in some neat tempo changes which help to keep the momentum going. Not the new Spiritualized then, or even the old Spiritualized. They always had the bark, now they have the bite.

Jon Griffiths

THE BUFFSEEDS/ REZMO Barfly PENCOED FOUR piece, Rezmo kick off tonight’s proceedings, trying desperately to sound hardcore but coming across as nothing more than borecore, Rezmo would definitely benefit from investing in some singing lessons although their peculiar cover of the Happy Days theme tune raised a few smirks.

Luckily, Devon based newbies The Buffseeds, not put off by the miniscule turnout, give their everything and bring the audience to near–tears by the end of the night, with singer Kieran Scragg’s soaring vocals and amazing range.

This, set against a backdrop of black and white cinematography gives the set an arcane yet radiant ambience. With an array of beautiful, bittersweet indie tunes such as the breath-taking Sunlight and Coward, The Buffseeds captivate every soul in the place with their fusion of melancholic and upbeat numbers such as A Guide To Happiness, strangely about the love of cars. Recent singles Barricade and Who Sole The Weekend go down a storm and it’s plain to see why the Coldplay comparison’s have been so rife. Elegant and fragile in sound, yet potent in deliverance, The Buffseeds are a band destined to caress even the coldest of hearts. Gemma Jones

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GRiP INTERNATIONAL MEN OF MYSTERY

Photo: Mei Lewis

INTERPOL / SIMIAN Barfly

Interpol: Schoolboy Charm

THE CRESCENT Barfly THE CRESCENT are part of the new liverpudlian music scene that also includes The Coral and The Bandits.

Orginally formed to become legendary La’s recluse Lee Mavers backing band, The Crescent were subsequently dropped by Mr Mavers and decided to go it alone. They enter the stage resembling a bunch of kappa wearing scallywags, but armed with nothing more than a guitar or drumstick.

Their sound is reminiscent of early nineties psychedelic indie bands like the la’s, the stone roses and ride.

Recent single is a highlight as it soars with scouse harmonies and resplendent riffs. The problem is they are ten years too late and what they serve up is too often dull and leaden, The Crescent don’t match The Coral in terms of musical invention but do conjure up memories of a more classic British rock era. Bill Cummings

80’S MATCHBOX B-LINE DISASTER / LITTLE HELL Barfly YOU SOMETIMES wonder what the beef is. Schedules for sets are made and always broken. But not tonight.

After getting in just after the first support band played, you look around and realise you ain’t the only one who was late, with people mumbling about how the night was due to end at 10.00pm prompt. But then Little Hell took to the stage and all was forgotten. As they stormed through a set which included

the wonderfully titled Eat Shit President Bush, and head banging Virus With Shoes, you couldn’t help but think that it’s time this band hit the main scene with their forthcoming album Demonic Advisory Centre.

The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster took to the stage with an attitude that you could have been mistaken for thinking belonged to The Young Ones, before launching into a set that could be summed up in two words.

Fecking Mental.

With Guy screaming like Iggy Pop, and swinging out from the stage and also running into the crowd, this conclusion was well defined. Combine this with the other band members giving it their all, and seemingly burning up endless calories, and the crowd bouncing like demons possessed, and you realise that his band are something special indeed. On the small stage, in between crooning from the front to get a look at the crowd, Guy decided to smash the microphone into his head and throw water over his face before tying the microphone around his neck, and also to sniff his armpits. I repeatFecking Mental.

Tim Carne

VENDETTA RED/ SPAN Barfly FOUR PIECE stoner-rock outfit Span are currently setting the wheels in motion to make Scandinavia cool again with their superb hybrid of hardcore and grunge. With such authoritative slammer’s as Die Motherfucker Die, a derogative number about President

Bush, Span have potential screaming out of every orifice and they use this to capivate the open-mouthed audience here tonight.

With the splendour of Span still ringing strong in our ears on leap Vendetta Red, a fireball of energy and emotion, and proceed to take us on a trip to hardcore heaven with blistering newbies like Three Chord Valentine and All cried out, alongside emo-laden numbers like Gloria and The White Nightmare. And despite the fact that lead vocalist Zach looks like the bastard brother of Hundred Reasons’ Colin Doran, the similarities end there as Vendetta Red are the band Hundred Reasons can only dream of being.

Twisted, splintering vocals and enough vivacity in their sound to make you tired from just watching them, clearly mesmerises the audience tonight. Vocalist Zach Davidson claims: “Vendetta Red is the dismemberment of all things sacred and serene. Kiss your wife and kids because tomorrow everything dies”. This philosophy is desperately apparent in their music as tonight they play each riff as if tomorrow it’ll all end.

We are clearly in the presence of something great.Gemma Jones

PURESSENCE / ECHOBOY Barfly IT’S BEEN a while since I felt this young, mobbed outside by two 50 somethings, I feel somewhat scared to discover the Barfly is swarming with fat, balding middle age men and their wives.

Richard Warren – aka Echoboy –

gets the toes tapping but fails to excite too much with his rather bland new wave effort. Acoustic guitar over electro beats may sound like a good idea, but tonight it quickly becomes as old as the audience. Bring on the ‘Essence with current single Walking Dead which shows off Mudriczki’s haunting vocal to great effect.

First album favourite I Suppose is up next and the band seem to be on great form. Annoyingly, Mudriczki comes across as an arrogant son of a bitch calling for the crowd to cheer more but later makes up for this by thanking nearly everyone in the front row.

A couple of newbies, which sound little different to their 4 year old counterparts, and some B-sides later and they launch into the good old stuff.

This Feeling surges across the crowd, which followed quickly with Sharpen Up The Knives produces the most intense point of the evening you can’t really mosh to this, the guitars just aren’t crunchy enough, but people do. It must then have something to do with the hypnotic falsetto, which explains those who are not giving it some down the front are stood open mouthed at the back.

Scuttling off stage they leave the crowd chanting for more – Mr Brown is our treat for calling them back. It sounds as sinister as ever and in the words of the fat bastard stood next to me “its good in’ it”, Yes, quite.

A chillingly beautiful set which will ensure the Puressence cult will remain together even if the lack of ‘wow they are now’ status will make it difficult for them to recruit new members.

Richard Samuels

QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE/MILLIONAIRE Great Hall IN MY experience of Belgians, I have discovered two things: 1) Belgians are mental. 2) Belgians cannot dance.

Millionaire were no exception to these rules; frontman Tim Vanhamel minced and gurned like The Hives trying to be Trent Reznor whilst creating the highly entertaining genre of industro-europop.

Even though QOTSA were lacking the masterful drumming of Dave Grohl (these duties were left to ex-Danzig drummer Joey Castillo) you could tell that even after the opening two songs; You Think I Ain’t Worth Dollar but I Feel Like A Millionaire and Feel Good Hit Of The Summer that they were going to live up to all the hype they have recently received. From the outset the crowd was bombarded with the contrasting sounds of Nick Oliveri’s thundering bass lines and screechy vocals and Josh Homme’s gentle voice and melodic guitaring.

Just when the audience thought it couldn’t get any better, Mark Lanegan (ex Screaming Trees vocalist) appeared out of nowhere like the shopkeeper from Mr Benn on downers for Hangin’ Tree, Auto Pilot and The Sky is Fallin’ to build an eerie atmosphere and tie together the vocals and instruments creating a tighter sound. The majority of the material was taken from their last two albums Rated R and Songs for the Deaf which seemed to please the crowd, choosing to only play a handful of older songs.

The quality of music didn’t dip as the night went on proving that as far as the rock genre goes there are few bands out there today that can better them. Morwenna Kearns

Music

Monsters Of Rock

live

Photo:Andy Lightfoot

THE WEIGHT of expectation hangs heavy in the air tonight, but with the popular music press willing to jump on anything that moves from NYC at the moment, it could be easy to be blasé about the arrival of Interpol in Cardiff. But that would be a very foolish thing to do as anyone who’s heard their excellent debut album Turn On The Bright Lights, or the preceding singles would tell you.

Simian open the evening with an unfortunately brief set of both old and new material. Their new album We Are Your Friends takes off from where Chemistry Is What We Are, left off and explores exciting new avenues of pop with a twisted electronic core. Sunshine and new single Never Be Alone both work particularly well live and along side older gems they give another excellent show.

Whereas Simian are currently embracing the sunshine, Interpol are far more concerned with the darker side of life, done up smartly in black shirts and ties, the band both dress and perform as a unit; the tight, angular guitars of Untitled opening proceedings in suitably dramatic style. The awesome Obstacle 1 follows suit with its sharp guitar stabs and tale of love gone wrong. It would be far too simple to just compare Interpol to their most obvious influences (The Cure and Joy Division to name but two), and ignore the fact that they’re forging their own path and taking their sound on further in a time when some bands fear to take risks with their music.

There is a real urgency with their live performance, a feeling that each sound might be their last and must be delivered as sharply and as passionately as possible. They round the set off with recent single PDA and retreat again into the shadows leaving the crowd aching for more. For once, you can believe the hype. Andy Parsons

usialbums c

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PICK OF Album of the Fortnight THE REST DAVID GRAY A New Day At Midnight IHT Records

FEEDER Comfort In Sound Echo THE ALBUM title is self explanatory. But what the sonics do, is to portray the sound of a man staring down at his own melancholy, yet still looking forward rather than immersed in the past.

Contradictory? Perhaps, but the album’s greatest feat is the plethora of emotions and feelings conveyed, ranging from the colossal Godzilla, swathed in swaggering, angry riffery to the reflective Summers Gone.

The difference from past Feeder releases is that Nicholas actually sings his normal honey then gravel vocals on current single.

Come Back Around. Allied to the simple hooks, this new found melodic sensibility is most noticeable on Quick Fade, which revolves around the poignant line “I miss you more than words can say” in reference to the late drummer Jon Lee. This is obviously Nicholas’s catharsis resulting in a beautiful and brutally honest album.

The return to a simple acoustic based sound bodes well when looking to the bands future.

Anita Bhagwandas

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AVRIL LAVIGNE Let Go Arista / BMG DESCRIBED BY some as a ‘strong-willed wild child’ and others as a ‘warmed over Alanis Morrisette’, Avril Lavigne first came to the attention of the British public with her debut single, Complicated. This single hit the British top 3 at the start of October, weeks after it earned her the ‘Best New Artist’ award at the MTV Video Music Awards in New York.

Much of Let Go follows the pattern of Complicated watered down rock made to top the charts. It does, however, display the talents of Lavigne, who co-wrote and published every track on the album, and her band, who play the rockier tracks (Losing Grip, Unwanted) just as well as they handle the more moving numbers (I’m With You, Too Much To Ask).

Lavigne shows herself to be a talent to watch, and any album that features the line “I’m not the milk and Cheerios in your spoon” has got to be worth a listen. Louise Smith

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LABELLED BY some as White Ladder Part 2, it would be easy to dismiss it as another series of heartbroken love songs.

Yet A new day at Midnight is more like a step on from White Ladder, distinctly more upbeat in places and progressive in terms of both songs and production.

Though fans of Gray needn’t worry, his trademark cathartic voice still rings true as it sweeps over you and takes your

emotions onto a higher plane.

Delectable insights such as Dead in the water, Last Boat to America and the epic Freedom are guaranteed to please.

Whilst the tender Real Love and Be Mine are really the new Sail away, meaning this is assured to make a mint for the congenial singer. The album is possibly White Ladder after therapy, as gone is the intense, overly sensitive element and in its place is a more exquisite, mellow and seemingly more happy Gray.

Gemma Jones✩✩✩✩

GRAY SKY AT NIGHT...

D.G: on day release from the Whitchurch

result is a particularly uninspiring brand of sugary girlpop.

Opening track Flavah Of The Week is a perfect slice of punky guitar pop and its attack on indie sellouts (“Fuck the charts, we’ll make millions selling mobile phones to the New Bohemians”) provides some of the more genuinely amusing lines on the album. But after a promising start, the next thirty minutes are filled with bland indiepop songs which range from unremarkable to mildly irritating.

Significantly, the best track by far is hidden track Happy which, loaded with cynicism, electropop sounds and thumping beats, sounds nothing at all like the rest of the album.

The Lollies may well have the potential to be interesting. But only, it seems, when they stop sounding quite so much like The Lollies.

Rhian Adams

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Avril Lavigne: Complicated? Nah!

SONIC ANIMATION Reality By Deception Doublethink Records THE THIRD release from a Melbourne based duo rumoured to be revolutionising the dance music scene, with independently funded releases and a seemingly numb fear of over-trodden musical pathways.

Fashioned in the shape of a near perfect U curve, Reality By Deception begins and ends with fierce tracks, strongly reminiscent of the type of sound rolling beneath the wheel-spins and hairpin corners of Gran Turismo, or perhaps more accurately, rather similar to the Prodigy.

Lyrically ambitious centre pieces of the album drown beneath acidic electronic beats, confusing the style of their sound furthermore. Closing the album, Anxiety relentlessly attempts to pioneer originality in some form, showcasing the ramblings from one half of the dance outfit brushing their teeth. Yet despite an untamed exhaustion of the most advanced musical equipment available, the one button Sonic Animation cannot seem to put their finger on is creativity. Melanie Roberts

✩✩ THE LOLLIES Taste Fortune and Glory FOR THEIR debut, The Lollies have taken a Helen Love album, stripped it of the bubbly energy, raw punk-edge, catchy melodies and witty lyrics that make Helen Love special, and called it Taste. The

SAFRI DUO The Remix Edition - Episode 2 Serious IT’S 3A.M, you’ve been dancing for hours in a mind expanding atmosphere of sensory stimulation, when the rhythms of the universe come together exploding on one track - Played-A-Live, better known as The Bongo Song. This is most people’s first encounter with Safri Duo, the world renowned Danish classical percussion duo (Morten Friis and Uffe Savery). Their diverse album merges dance, trance, pop and ethnic instruments. It’s the ultimate fusion of traditional ethnic instruments of old with 21st century music technology.

CD1 is concluded with Adagio, a beautifully captivating string ensemble track with majestically soothing melodies.

CD2, The Remixes, consisting of uninspiring cheese alongside foot tapping grooves, is completely subordinate to the energy of CD1 and lapses into mind numbingly dull background beats which soon become irritatingly repetitive.

Lindsay Gowlett

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CANDIDATE Nuada Snowstorm WHEN AN album pronounces that it’s “Inspired by a film” usually it means turgid dance music or nu-metal that’s added onto a soundtrack album to up the filler quotient and make the tracklisting look respectable. However when the film in question is the cult British horror film The Wicker Man, it’s a completely different story. Possibly the most infamous of all the 70’s British horror films, The Wicker Man’s

original score is an appropriate collection of Scottish folk songs composed for the film by Paul Giovanni. Whilst in the film they can sometimes be a bit twee, most tracks fit the film superbly and heighten the tension, especially towards the films famous climax.

Candidate have decided to produce an album of songs inspired both by the film and the original soundtrack. They visited the island of Jura (where the film was made) and took background recordings to help give them a feel for the project.

Instead of covering the original soundtrack or telling the story from the film, the songs deal with some of the issue the islanders would have faced at the time (the failure of the crops that precipitates events in the film) or on closer, Modern Parlance, the difficulty of living on a remote Scottish island.

Despite not mentioning the events of the film by name, it’s hard to imagine the album without some of the images from the film appearing in your head. The project has definitely inherited flavours and tones from the film, but also stands out an album on it’s own. A must for fans of the film or lovers of acoustic music with a sinister edge. Andy Parsons

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MALCOLM MIDDLETON 5:14 Fluoxytine Seagull Alcohol John Nicotine Chemikal Underground STARTING WITH the premise “If there’s anything I can do, I’ll do it wrong well”, Middleton’s debut album finds the more fragrant half of Arab Strap in the guise of ‘Crappo The Clown’. Not quite Ziggy Stardust, more like Arab Strap suffering a loss of libido.

5:14... falls somewhere between Leonard Cohen, Bright Eyes and Ballboy.

This is the soundtrack to Falkirk. It slots comfortably into the Chemikal canon, all melancholy, giving way to soaring strings and assured support in the form of a group hug from Barry Burns, Emma Pollock and Alun Woodward.

Much less bleak than say, Bonnie Prince Billy’s I See A Darkness, Middleton is wryly aware that Crappo is merely a temporal phase. Only a question of passing time before turning new tricks.

There’s got to be hope for a man who sings “I’m so lonely/ I’m gonna get into a fight for the company”. A wonderfully simple and honest album: “I can’t remember when/ I didnae love you, hen”.

As it closes with the track Devil And The Angel, I’m with the angel: Malky, “You’re songs are alright”. Besides, it’s only a case of waiting ‘til you’re popping Viagra with Aiden Moffat again.Nick McDonald

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ALABAMA 3 Power In The Blood Chrysalis ALTHOUGH THE Brixton collective have been busy extending their community of musicians with various side-projects, they make a welcome return with this, their third album.

Perhaps they walk familiar territory, but nonetheless this is a focussed and assured effort that will not disappoint their fans.

It is difficult to make comparisons because, musically, Alabama 3 have carved a niche, to find a sound that is uniquely their own. This originality derives from a curious blend of (what they call) techno, country, blues and gospel. Surprisingly, this combination does work. The electronic element acts as a canvas on which the roots aspects add depth and dimension. The beats are fluid and (mostly) melodic, whilst the language is apocalyptic and Americanised.

The Very Rev. D.Wayne Love and his partner in crime, Larry Love, tread a fine line just the right side of self-conscious parody. But, occasionally, they falter, as in The Moon Has Lost The Sun, and end up sounding embarrassingly contrived.

However, these errors are rare and tracks such as R.E.H.A.B. and Reachin’ are excellent, whilst the Hubert Selby Jnr. quotation is simply exquisite. It is admirable, too, that they should tackle such a diverse range of themes including: faith and despair; revolution and globalisation; drugs and addiction and loss and redemption.

Ben Hammond

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BRAVE CAPTAIN Advertisements For Myself Wichita SOME WOULD say that ex Boo Radley mainman Martin Carr, due to being chief songwriter for one of the most accomplished pop bands of the modern world, has a right to indulge himself.

Well maybe he does, but it doesn’t make for easy or enjoyable listening. Carr’s trademark wistful brass melody is a charming and strong fundamental sound that has produced the highlights of his previous two solo albums. That it doesn’t form the basis of more than three or four songs here is a crying shame. I Was A Teenage Death Squad and This Weight That You Have Found are examples of these tear-wrenching

pop gems that see Carr at his songwriting peak, but here they’re all too scarce, hidden in a bramble bush of edgy drum ‘n bass and sonic experimentation. Present it seems, just for the hell of it. Jamie Fullerton

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THE JEEVAS 1234 Cowboy Musik ONCE UPON a time there was a rather kooky yet beautiful man called Crispian and he fronted a rather strange hippycum-indie band called Kula Shaker, and having had enough of the fame (and criticism) they brought, promptly disappeared off the face of the earth.

Luckily last year he decides to return to us in the shape of The Jeevas.

Originating from the Sanskrit word ‘Jiva’ meaning “Indestructible life force”, we see that Crispian’s belief that you can’t keep a good dog down provided the wide-eyed hippy boy with the inspiration to create a more mature slice of rock with a distinctive retro-American (rock n roll) feel. Although laced with catchy numbers like You Got My number, Scary Parents, and the Bob Dylan-esque Once Upon A Time In America, you can’t help but notice something is lacking- perhaps it is the youthful energy that was so potent in Mills’s Kula Shaker days.

Whatever it is, it’s sorely missed and the overall effect of 1234 can be boring at times. Definitely worth a listen, but isn’t going to change your life.

Gemma Jones

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SIMIAN We Are Your Friends Source PSYCHEDELIC HARMONIES, an English quirkiness, all to a backing of electronic noise and beats. Simian, now signed to the lo-est of lo-fi labels Source (stable mates including Kings of Convenience and Turin Breaks) certainly have a unique sound. Part Duran Duran, part The Beatles, We Are Your Friends is finally their chance to prove the hype of the last few years.

Opening track La Breeze, owes a lot to the Monkees with its chant-like intro of “Here it comes/here it comes” but instead of spiralling into “Hey Hey We’re The Monkees”, it develops into a Kinks/Beatles stomp, complete with four way harmonies and hippyish “here comes the breeze”.

On third track, Never Be Alone another side to Simians influences is introduced. A darker air of early 80’s electronica takes over, and Simian briefly become Duran Duran before the harmonies re-appear, and the decidedly more sinister than friendly sentiment of “We are your friends/you’ll never be alone again” is aired.

Throughout the album Simian bounce between Electronic and sixties psychedelia with great ease, Skin suddenly jumps from quirky beats and harsh synths to flowing vocals, The Way That I Live turns a messy skiffle intro into lush vocals and bleeping keyboards.

Whilst hugely enjoyable album to listen to, We Are Your Friends doesn’t completely grab your attention, and after four or five tracks jumping between the mad and the madder, the mind does tend to wander slightly. A good start but might have done a little better. Rob J

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LEMON JELLY Lost Horizons XL / Impotent Fury IT WAS always going to be very interesting to see how Fred Deakin and Nick Franglen coped with the critical and public acclaim for their Lemon Jelly.KY collection of their early EPs. Would they produce a scrambled mess of an album like the Beta Band did in a similar position? Or would they create a delicious mixture of tunes, that took their own inimitable style to new heights?

Thankfully, the answer is that Lemon Jelly have returned on top form. Their first album proper is not a million miles away from the territory that they covered with their previous work, but there’s a real density and quality to the sound, which some of the simpler tracks off Lemon Jelly.KY lacked, showing how the duo have matured in their abilities.

Simian: and “friends”...

Packaged beautifully as ever, Lost Horizons opens with Elements; a solid introduction which builds gradually from children’s TV theme to Boards Of Canada-esque loveliness. It’s quickly followed by single, Space Walk, which reminds more of the end sequence to 2001 than anything accomplished by the Apollo missions. Elsewhere, Experiment Number Six takes a darker tone, as the track very closely follows the progress of an medical experiment with strange results and Closer becomes the bands ode to love. It’s on Nice Weather For Ducks However that Lemon Jelly truly show their genius, taking a child’s nursery rhyme and eventually incorporating what sounds like the theme from Bonanza and throwing in some flamenco for good measure too.

Lemon Jelly excel in making music that has a timeless quality including a great sense of humour at the same time.

Lost Horizons will remind you of watching your favourite kids tv programmes, playing games in the park, rainy Sunday afternoons with a jigsaw but most importantly it’ll make you extremely happy - time after time, after time. Andy Parsons

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JORDAN FIELDS Moments In Dub Mo’Wax NOTHING’S PERFECT: a tough lesson to learn, but kids, learn it well. Not even Mo’Wax, legendary trip-hop label and home to DJ Shadow, is perfect, with this latest release providing hard evidence of that fact. How Jordan Fields, pedestrian peddler of unremarkable dance crap, managed to find his way on to the Mo’Wax roster is inexplicable, and the consequences of such an ill-advised decision - a fifty-minute barrage of outdated, mind-numbingly tedious lite house - are not pretty.

Inexpertly clunking and possessing precious little in the way of variety, Moments In Dub is less of an experience than an endurance test, though it’s doubtful whether anyone could physically take enough drugs to make the whole sorry mess even vaguely bearable.

Alex Macpherson

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SIGUR RÓS () Fat Cat AN ALBUM title ( ) should be enough to warn anyone not to touch this CD with a 100 foot barge pole, but just in case you need convincing I’ll proceed. Having abandoned more traditional instruments such as the guitar and piano the band, who are natives of Iceland, have focused their music around less conventional methods of sound production such as kettle drums and xylophones under some sort of belief that this will lead to a new, exciting and original musical experience, however

this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Instead the music is dull, lifeless and extremely repetitive and no amount of odd time signatures, which this band seem to thrive on, can change that fact.

The vocals are sung in some strange, made up language which resembles the drunken murmurings of an uncharismatic tramp and they seem incapable of writing a song that is under 8 minutes long,(the longest song clocking in at a whopping 13 minutes).

In fact the whole thing smacks of progrock which hardly exists today for a good reason; it’s crap. Chris Martin No star

speak for itself and not only is () a much more focused and assured record, but one with some heartbraking melodies and songs.

Whilst singer Jonsi’s voice is still an acquired taste with its high pitched dives and swoops, it’s one of the most distinctive and emotive voices in a current rock music scene focused on grunting and screaming. Anyone who will have seen one of the bands mesmerising live performances in the last few years will be glad to know the band’s epic sound has been captured well on the new album, but augmentation with studio effects and samplers help increase the expansive feel of their new record.

ON THEIR second major British release Sigur Rós manage to scale even greater heights than those achieved on the breathtaking debut Agaetis Byrjun.

Shunning conventions like track titles, the band have decided to let the music

The simple, child-like refrain of track 4 is one of the most haunting and uplifting melodies of any record you will possibly hear this year and is perfectly contrasted by the heavier sounds of track 8 - a song which brings images of

icebergs crashing together to the mind.

Expansive and bursting with ideas, () deserves far more than a cursory listen.

Whilst not the most immediate album for most people, with time and repeated listening the songs slowly creep under your skin and will provide rewarding listening time after time, as you discover more and more depth to the record.

It would be easy to dismiss this record as tedious or dull if you lacked the patience or attention span to listen to adventurous music. These people need not fear however - the new Robbie Williams album is just around the corner to fill all your vacuous pop needs.

For everyone else who gives this record a chance to blossom, you’ll be discovering a peach of a record - full of juicy and uplifting moments and bursting with ideas and flavour.

Oliver ‘Sixtyten’ Reed

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Music

DEBATE CURRENTLY rages in the gair rhydd office over the merits or sins of the new album by Sigur Ros, simply entitled (). Here are two comparative reviews so you can make your own minds up...

albums

Sigur Rós - Ace or Arse?

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ames/wereviews b

GRiP Oi! You! Outside Now!

Wow it’s Volleyball

TEKKEN 4 [PS2 STUDENT NETWORK] NAMCO

BEACH SPIKERS: VIRTUAL BEACH VOLLEYBALL [GAMECUBE] SEGA

GET YOUR fighting gloves on and don your best baggy trousers as the daddy of Playstation fighting games returns in its latest incarnation.

The king of iron fist tournament is back as 19 fighters from around the world fight it out for the title.

A hefty bout of foot and mouth has passed through the herd since the last Tekken and 15 characters have been lost from the line-up. However, this has allowed Namco to concentrate on each individuals’ moves rather than dressing up characters in different clothes while giving them exactly the same moves.

Each character has their own fighting style and an array of devastating moves to break the opposition.

Players are greeted with the customary introduction video made with typical Japanese attention to detail which leads, quite disappointingly, to a very bland menu screen. Namco have taken a ‘back to basics’ attitude throughout this game and personally Tekken 4 is better for it. Gone are the bright menu screens and generic characters while we welcome back simple menus and well thought out, unique fighters.

The graphics have again

had the usual upgrade and are looking stunning. The fight arenas are bigger and there is a certain degree of player interaction, to the extent that if you throw a punch and miss then maybe a spectator will fall over. More crowd interaction would have been nice, but then again, Tekken is not really the sort of game you can do that in. The controls have been well planned with some simple button combinations being very effective. The secret to Tekken has always been combos. The longer a string of moves can be the better. There is even a

combo editor for each character along with the usual pre-programmed ones.

An excellent addition to the game play is wall shots where you can force an opponent onto a wall and the impact of them on the wall causes damage.

The Tekken Force Levels are present and correct and are great to play. There is however, the sad lack of a multiplayer option which would have rounded off a

perfect gaming experience.

Unfortunately, as with everything, there are drawbacks. After one night of playing, all the characters were open and only time attacks and tekken force were left to hold the attention. There is a two player battle arena but that can only keep you going for so long.

All in all this is the salvation that all PS2 owners have been waiting for since the release of Tekken Tag at the PS2’s launch. We all know it wasn’t a

proper sequel. Having said that, Namco have followed the formula and made a great game, but that’s the problem– it’s just a sequel. There is nothing groundbreaking or overly special about this game.

But for now it is possibly the best there is. Try it out, you might like it. Chris Pietryka Keep an eye out for Tekken 4 on the PS2 student network in the back of Solus. Get drunk, oggle(hmm..slightly dodgy male idea- ed) the talent on show at Jive Hive then beat you mates to a pulp. Go on. It would make a great night out.

Think it’s all over? No chance THIS IS FOOTBALL 2003 [PS2 STUDENT NETWORK] TEAM SOHO/SCEE WELL, FOOTBALL’S back.

This seasons kicked off with the release of the latest offering from the This Is Football crew at Team Soho and SCEE. This year sees the traditional improvements and is now more realistic than ever. The publishers have negotiated a license with FIFPro who represent the interests of the professionals and now TIF 2003 can boast over 13,500 real players names.

Each player has their face mapped onto the character and all their trademark moves

are present and correct. The players AI has also had a refit and they now hold a formation and yet will still react to events on the field of play. The offthe-ball awareness of your teammates is also vastly improved. Gone are the days of the endless long ball game and static defences; now they almost think like real people.

The game runs beautifully smoothly and passages of play are fluent and majestic.

That is unless your taking a whupping off the computer.

Some questions still need to be answered though. Firstly,

THE LATEST offering from the makers of Virtual Tennis is aimed squarely at the male audience, offering 16 teams of young women from countries such as America, Brazil and Australia. These heavyweights of World Beach Volleyball are challenged by some nations who are maybe not household names. This allows the likes of Thailand, China and England to also don their bikinis for frantic sporting action, set over the nets of eight unlockable beaches around the world.

The main game consists of undertaking the challenging world tour along with a computer-controlled opponent and trying frantically to match the seamless Americans who win everything. There are eight tournaments to take part in, but if you reach the final tournament, then you’re a far more dedicated volleyball fan than me.

The reason for this is the erratic partner who will squander all of the smashes and miss the most basic of serves. It’s her fault that the single player game is a boring and annoying representation that will leave beach volleyball fans disappointed.

She gradually gets better

why do the players still insist on reacting to key presses a little late and occasionally kick the ball too far ahead of them, and secondly is it as easy to lob Seaman from 30 yards in the game as it appears to be in real life. But with a name like Seaman he is never going to keep a clean sheet is he?

Almost all the other footballing nations of the world are included and usable in your quest for world domination. This is one of the great football game lines since the fall of the mighty FIFA games. TIF needs to be wary

of falling into the same pit of not changing things and assuming people will buy games for a small update.

TIF 2003 has kept up the good work of the previous games in the series but is it the best football game ever?

Well, until we review Pro

as the teamwork/sympathy points allow her to improve serve, receive, attack, block, toss, power and response. If you don’t invest in response, she won’t move, forget about power and it won’t go over the net. So it continues and even halfway through the world tour, your favourite liability will still miss everything under the sun.

This accounts for the challenge and unfortunately ruins what is essentially a good idea and a unique game.

The control system is simple and after completing the tutorial, you’ll be spiking like a pro. The only controls you’ll use are the control stick to manoeuvre your Baywatch babe around the court and the A, B and X buttons to employ different variations on the simple serve, toss and smash. Does the game live up to its billing of ‘best multiplayer GameCube game’? Frankly, no. The repetitive gameplay will frustrate most gamers after a few matches and with a partner as good as yourself, the game is easily mastered, even on the ‘hard’ mode. With 4 people at the same level playing against each other, the game is at its best and the match hangs on a knife-edge.

There are a few minigames to distract you from the proper game, noticeably the Track and Field-esque Beach Flags, but these offer limited appeal and won’t be revisited very often.

Beach Spikers is a good idea woefully executed, sporting an 8 cm disk that will be thrown across the room in frustration to be rediscovered a month later, when a quick play will establish why it was used as a Frisbee in the first place.

Christopher Thompson

Evolution Soccer 2 next month, yes it is.

The game is playing now on the PS2 student network in the back of Solus. So go try it out with your friends.

Chris Pietryka.

Play it and tell us your views on the usual Games email.

GRiP

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Feel the need for speed! tests on GT3. This will then allow you to the main menu.

The game has several aspects. The first is the main game mode where you race over several legs to open up new tracks and cars. But unlike GT3, you do not only do a series of races. In Burnout 2 you also can play a police car that has to chase a suspect and stop them within an allotted distance by crashing them off the road. It provides a great variety of gameplay to keep you interested. The other great option that will keep you amused for hours is the crash mode; the whole point of which is to tear round a road and cause as much damage as possible to other cars on the road. My record is $41,300,000 worth of damage ( if you beat this, email me on the usual line, please!) There is nothing quite like the satisfaction of writing off that much stuff.

The AI of the other road

BURNOUT 2: POINT OF IMPACT [PS2 STUDENT NETWORK] ACCLAIM RACING GAMES are two a penny these days. And they’re all clambering for increasing realism in their control and appearance, whilst striving to have digital seagulls shit on your windscreen. It’s amazing how those little bastards can hit a moving target every time.

You don’t even need to be in the car. Walking down Queens Street is a constant hazard. A friend of mine was riding his bike and a pigeon got him.The thing managed to hit him moving by leading the target!

What? Medication time? OK. Right, its refreshing to find a game that does not revolve around the realism of its portrayal of driving. Burnout 2: Point Of Impact looks beyond the driving itself and concentrates more on what you do with the car once you get the little badger up to top speed. The game is brilliant in its originality. By driving recklessly you charge up your boost bar which allows you a burst of acceleration and speed much like the NOS cars in The Fast And The Furious.

You charge the bar by missing other road users by as little margin as possible, power sliding round corners and by driving on the wrong side of the road.. But first in order to get into the actual game, you need to complete the Offensive Driving 101 course much like the license

1: Timesplitters 2 Best game ever!

2: Hitman 2: Silent Assassin Get paid to kill.

3: Burnout 2 See above.

4: Onimusha 2 Japanese war epic 5: This Is Football 2003 Best football game ever?

6: Blade 2 Vampires everywhere.

7: Stuntman Drive, crash, get paid!

8: Mat Hoffman BMX 2 Best BMX game out.

9: Medal of Honour Gritty war drama.

10: Grand Theft Auto 3 A classic.

X-Box 1: Timesplitters 2 Even better than Halo.

2: Hitman 2 Same as the PS2.

3: Quantum Redshift Spacey thing.

4: Halo Best shooter? Try TS2 5: Conflict Desert Storm What are you saying?

6: Blade 2 Aren’t you dead yet?

7: WWE Raw Wrestling Fun. 8: Rocky Adrieeeeeeeennnn!

9: Silent Hill Cool survival horror!

10:The Thing What thing?

PC-CD ROM 1: The Sims Unleashed Flog a dead horse?

2: Unreal Tournament 2003 Multiplayer carnage.

3: Hitman 2 Very popular.

4: The Sims Delux Maybe?

5: Rollercoaster 2 Build Disneyland.

6: Club Manager 2003 Football manager sim 7: Battlefield 1942 More WW2 action.

8: The Sims Holiday More add-ons!

9: Medieval Total War What is says on tin.

10:Stronghold Crusade Medieval action.

Game Cube 1: Super Mario Sunshine Instant classic.

2: Wrestlemania X8 Smackdown’s Better.

3: Resident Evil The daddy of horror!

4: Turok Dinosaurs!

5: Super Smash Brothers Essential for the cube 6: Super Monkey Ball This is sooo cool!

7: Spike Beach Beach Volleyball!

8: Madden NFL 2003 Excellent sports sim.

9: Luigis Mansion Mario’s the best bro.

10:Rogue Squadron Best Cube game yet!

Coming soon..

Unfortunately Timesplitters 2 did not arrive in time for this issue but we will be bringing it to you next time, singing and dancing with bells on.

Also coming in the near future are Duke Nukem on Gameboy, Sega Soccer and Super Mario Sunshine on Gamecube, Legion: The Legend of Excalibur on PS2 and other computer related fun.

If you have anything to say on the games and web front or want to have your say about a game you have played then drop us a line at gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com.

This weeks charts were supplied by our good friends at Game on Queens Street.

Games/web

THE NAME Gravity Games gives the impression of action, of danger, of high speed thrills and spills and people with strange names doing silly stuff in America.

Then you read on and discover that this game only has the BMX portion. When you actually play it, you feel like you’re playing Tony Hawk’s with a bike. Not only are you playing with a bike, it feels like its made of lead.

The tricks are different, but the challenges are the same.

You’ve got the usual ‘collect the letters of gravity’ and ‘release the acid’ which is all a bit too unoriginal for a

than it has received.

The format is as such: you bike around a park doing tricks, in order to open the next arena, whilst unlocking other riders along the way. On the up side many of the big names from the biking world are here and the graphics are quite nice.

On the whole, Midway have created a good foundation but they need to be far more original, as this game does not rival

Mat Hoffmans’ Pro BMX. Keep trying and you might get it right boys.

Chris Pietryka

reviews

Cyberlounge itself.

AGS is already a student friendly business offering a discount to students but at the minute they are being even more friendly and are offering to you, our lovely readers, three months free membership which entitles you to even more savings on your net time.

This offer is available exclusively to readers of gair rhydd and can be redeemed by popping along to AGS at 178 Whitchurch Road and quoting ‘gair rhydd Grip’, upon which they will hand over a shiny membership to you. AGS is in easy reach for students in North Roath, South Heath and is close to Talybont. So go on kids, it’s closer than the main buildings. Chris Pietryka

GRAVITY GAMES license like the Gravity Games. This game PS2 deserved so much more MIDWAY

This week’s chart Playstation 2

is graded on a medal basis, so there is continual room for improvement and a challenge at every corner. The graphics are slick and the detail of the crashes has paid dividends.

This is a truly great game to grace anyone’s game collection. The 2 player mode alone will keep you amused for hours on end.

Burnout 2 is coming soon to the PS2 student network in Solus. Try it. You’ll like it.

Chris Pietryka

I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE

DO MICE LIKE COFFEE? AGS CYBER LOUNGE IMAGINE IF giant mice were roaming the earth. The products of eating too much GM food in the fields. Would they evolve into a society like ours? Would they develop language and social skills?

Could they use computers? If they could would they go to a cyberlounge?

Anyway back to the point.

There is a new cyberlounge at the top of Whitchurch Road, near the Gabalfa roundabout.

Here they offer access to the internet, a games console arena playing the latest games, and also let you drink near the computers (unlike uni). Soon they hope to be adding computer courses in word processing, office tools and internet use hosted in the

users is remarkable. The opposition cars drift towards you and try to run you off the road but they can crash too.

Which is another great point.

If you crash in a race you, are treated to a slow-motion close-up of the carnage you create, and even better is that you don’t lose too much time in the process.

The game has not evolved much from the original but has received a good polishing.

Each performance you put in

21

GRiP

Monday 28 October ----->Friday 8 November Four hours a week! Pah! Tune in here for your proper timetable, an essential guide to the next 12 days mostly non-essential viewing.

Weekone

It had a shaky start, but the third series of Coupling (BBC2, Monday 4 November, 9.30pm) has scaled new heights of comedy brilliance in the past few weeks. Last week’s episode featured Jeff running into his local, wearing a black leather gimp mask and tipping a plastic bag full of laxatives all over the table. It’s a thought that stays with you, I can tell you. This week sees Sally and the sizeably-penised Patrick further their relationship... or do they?

Ignore comparisons to Friends - this is far, far funnier and the men are far, far thinner. Which in this image obsessed world is surely of immense importance.

beard. You did not write all six episodes in order. You thought “Mmm, I’ll cash in and ruin TV Desk’s childhood by tainting the best sci-fi trilogy ever made with two overblown toy adverts”. Don’t even get me started on Jar-Jar Binks. Still, Jedi is good, so get some “coochie” in, and sit back and remember when good was good, evil was evil and Harrison Ford was “El Duderino”.

Star Wars: Return of Jedi: Episode III (not VI, Lucas, you revisionist git; ITV1, Tuesday 5 November, 8pm) George Lucas is corporate cock-chugging whore. With a

Above: “El Duderino”, yesterday.

Mr Right (ITV1, Wednesday

Send news, views and John Leslie jokes to:

gairrhyddtvdesk@hotmail.com

(029) 2022 9977 62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

film with all the acting talent of a kipper denied a place at RADA. Ah, but then who cares when they both look so ravishingly lovely?

The great and good BBC1 jump on the old “ooo, it’s Hallowe’en, let’s put scary programmes on” bandwagon by showing Hallowe’en 5: Revenge of Michael Myers (BBC1, Thursday 31 October, 12.05am) the fifth installment of the million or so in the Hallowe’en franchise. Have to admit, I haven’t seen it but it’s safe to say it won’t be anywhere near the classic brilliance of the original flick as Jamie Lee Curtis doesn’t reprise her role as the small-titted screaming bitch whose name I can’t remember.

Rest assured, though, some other delicate flower will most likely fill her quaking boots. In every sense. Much like TV Steve’s favourite sexual fantasy, it features blood, gore and a man in a boiler suit.

This week, Later With Jools Holland (BBC2, Thursday 31 October,

11.35pm) is oddly off-form but hey, space to fill and all that. We have Peter Gabriel (the discovery that he isn’t dead yet is rather unpleasant; surely he should have just crumbled gently away by now?); the Libertines (Britpop attempts garage rock, with hideous consequences); James Dean Bradfield (yes, amazing voice and all that, but your band have been shit for seven years); and Richie Havens, who constitutes the one ray of light here as we’ve not heard of him.

Having raved and ranted about Tori Amos in previous weeks (apologies to all those who don’t appreciate her utter genius. No, really, I’m so sorry for you), it’s only fair that we give Icelandic pixie mentalist Björk a turn.

So it’s handy, then, that Inside Björk (C5, Sunday 3 November, 3.55pm) is on today. No programme details were available, but expect a proper tacky C5 job with notso-shocking revelations about the private life of the

6 November, 9pm) Ulrika presents the show which offers one lucky lady the chance to meet her own “Mr Right”. A world of dramatic irony ensues. Ulrika then offers her own advice on the dating game. “Beware of tall dark strangers bearing drinks and using the phrase ‘here’s one I made earlier’”. Heed these sound words laydeez...

his presidental philosophy, the breakneck plot twists and turns, the goddess Stockard Channing’s mere presence and, of course, the utterly delicious Rob Lowe.

Fuck all on normal TV today, so I’ll be shamelessly smug in choosing The West Wing (E4, Thursday 7 November, 9pm) to preview. As you may remember from last year, it is TV Desk’s opinion (and therefore FACT) that this is the best programme around, by many many miles. And I get to see it and you commoners without digital TV will have to wait an eternity, so ner. I’ll be thinking of you while I sample the delights of the divine Allison Janney’s press briefings, Martin Sheen’s unashamedly intellectual - and all the more compelling for it - musings on

Back down there amongst the plebs, The Osbournes (S4C, Friday 8 November, 10.35pm) finally reaches terrestrial television. One has to wonder what, precisely, the point is. Even if you don’t have MTV, you’ll have seen - or at least heard of - the best bits and, like those who were able to watch it in full, will be reaching the point at which you get bored of the whole shebang. Yes, it was genuinely hilarious to begin with; yes, Kelly is a supreme diva of cool (well, before she wrecked Papa Don’t Preach in the manner of a train wreck); yes, Ozzy is a legend and

greatest musical innovator this century, nay millennium, has ever seen. Here’s hoping someone spills the beans about just what the fuck Björk ever saw in Goldie, the gold-toothed goon, cos I sure as hell don’t. Now, I’m sure the lovely Ed won’t mind us abusing our journalistic powers at this juncture to implore you, our devoted audience, to buy every Björk CD you can lay your stinking little hands on. She’s got a rather handy Greatest Hits compilation out soon, but each and every one of the albums is a sparkly little gem, well worth ten of your pounds. Spread the gospel of insane Icelandics!

Above: “A RandomFootballer”, yesterday.

Sharon a goddess (“the Wicked Witch has nothing on me, darling”).

But people: it was a fad, and like all fads it must come to its natural end. Attempting to spin the series out again ain’t gonna work.

Happy viewing, fuckers!

two

Television

Tuesday 29 October) ITV haven’t been kind enough to tell us which game they’re going to put on. It could be Man U against Israeli nohopers in a group they’ve already qualified from, or Newcastle in potential thriller against the tricky looking Dynamo Kiev (that means “fast chicken” in Russian).

No doubt ITV will carefully consider the options before putting Man U on, a-fuckinggain. Tossers.

If there was ever a prime example of great casting gone to terrible waste.

Interview with the Vampire (ITV1, Wednesday 30 October, 11.35pm) is it. The luscious Tom Cruise tries his best with a dire script written by a seemingly lobotomised Anne Rice, while Brad Pitt (always better to look at than listen to) lisps and glides his way through the

Call for the latest student deals

pickings

Evening guvnor. TV Guide returns, fair bulging with dubious comments about a certain balding, Catherine Zeta-Jones poking TV presenter.

Hey, lawyers - please note: all references to Mr John Leslie are fictious and bear no resemblance to any John Leslies, either living, dead or ‘on holiday’ from This Morning. I thank you.

Tonight with Trevor McDonald (ITV1, Monday 28 October) Nowt decent on, so I’d though I’d have a rant about the dumbing down of current affairs.

Every week Trevor introduces inane triviality passed off as professional journalism with all the depth of Ulrika’s biography. Trev, go back to uni, look up the words “news values”, and open your tiny mind. The Champions League (ITV1,

STAYING IN TONIGHT?

elevision

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22

Monday 28 October BBC 1

BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 Eureka TV 4.30 Ace Lightning 4.55 Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter Connie explores Loch Ness, possibly in search of how to say “r” properly.

5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Airport 9.00 Pyramid 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 999 11.15 First Degree 11.45 Film 2002 Featuring a review of Adam Sandler’s new film. I often think that Sandler is a lot like spray-on cheese: uniquely American and liable to induce vomiting.12.15 Liquid News Profile 12.50 FILM: A Kidnapping in the Family 2.20 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 After the Revolution 6.30 English Only in America? 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Blue Peter 7.35 The Scooby Doo Show 8.00 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.05 Dennis the Menace 8.30 Stitch Up Celebrity Special 9.00 Pack 'Em and Stack 'Em 9.25 Looney Tunes 9.30 Taz-Mania v UBOS 10.00 Looney Tunes 10.05 TazMania v UBOS 10.30 CBeebies: Brum 10.40 Fimbles 11.00 Tweenies 11.25 Pingu 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Yoho Ahoy 1.20 FILM: Santa Fe Passage 2.50 Yes, Minister 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Rough Science 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 What the Stuarts Did for Us 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Coupling 10.00 The Office 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Correspondent: Maori Justice 12.05 The Phil Silvers Show 12.30 Ever Wondered?

12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Ever Wondered? 1.30 The Emperor's Gift 2.00 Quinze Minutes

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Never Had It So Good 2.30 Bric a Brac 3.00 ITV News 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Fingertips 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Popstars How about Pornstars: The Rivals? “This week Tracy demonstrates double anal penetration to the hopefuls.” Now that would be essential prime time viewing.

5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald Trevor - “This week we reveal the terrifying truth behind the dangers of suicide” 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 The Safe House 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Safe House 11.30 The Premiership on Monday I HATE MATT KING! 12.30 Champions League Weekly 12.55 David Gray in Profile 1.25 Today with Des and Mel 2.15 The New Addams Family 2.40 The Web Review 3.05 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.30 Entertainment Now!

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 Viva S Club 4.55 Fame Academy 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy Toss!

7.30 EastEnders Miserablist dirge.

8.00 Holby City Wank.

9.00 Wild West Looks piss-poor..

9.30 Linda Green 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Cable TV With Robbie “girl’s blouse” Savage. I shit you not.

11.35 Absolutely Fabulous 12.05 FILM: Carry On Girls 1.35 Fame, Set and Match 2.35 The Egg 2.45 See Hear

6.00 Alaska - The Last Frontier?

6.30 Television to Call Our Own 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Blue Peter 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Fame Academy 8.05 Dennis the Menace 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 Pack 'Em and Stack 'Em 9.25 Looney Tunes 9.30 Stacey Stone v Kenan and Kel 10.00 Looney Tunes 10.05 Stacey Stone v Kenan and Kel 10.30 Bill and Ben 10.40 Fimbles 11.00 Tweenies 11.25 Pingu 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 FILM: Dakota Incident 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek 7.30 Small Town Gardens 8.00 Allies at War 8.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 9.00 Great Britons 10.00 The Royle Family 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Great Britons 12.10 Despatch Box 12.30 Breaking the Seal 1.00 Insights into Violence 1.30 Humanity and the Scaffold 2.00 Vingt Minutes

Cable TV BBC1 11.05pm

The Most Evil Men in History C5 8.00pm

S4C

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Don Roaming 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Sionyn 12.55 Joshua Jones 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 1.15 The Man Who Saved Rome 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Wali Wags 4.15 Planed Plant: Mali 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Taro Naw 8.30 Yr Ocsiwniar 9.00 Welsh in a Week 9.30 Sgorio Actually worth watching footie fans. A world football bonanza of delights. In Welsh.

10.35 V Graham Norton Cue big rant from Alex. Your hostility doesn’t hide your longing desire young man, says I. 11.05 Faking It 12.40 College Girls 1.40 FILM: Armed and Dangerous

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Triumph over Disaster: The Hurricane Andrew Story 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 The Most Evil Men in History 8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: Every Which Way but Loose One man and his monkey- a subject I know intimately...

11.15 House of Astonishment 11.50 American Sex Series 12.45 NFL Update 1.20 European Seniors Golf 2.05 FIM World Motocross Championships 2.55 NASCAR 3.45 V8 Supercars

ITV 1

S4C

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Never Had It So Good 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 Jungle Run 4.35 Becoming 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live Newcastle v Dynamo Kiev or Maccabi Haifa v Manchester United.

9.50 The Frank Skinner Show 10.40 ITV News at Ten 11.10 The Sketch Show 11.40 Champions League Highlights 12.40 Strictly Soho 1.05 The Machine 1.30 Champions League 3.10 World Sport 3.35 World Football 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Scurrilous rumours abound the GR office about John Leslie trying to pull friends of friends with the classic lines “Fancy a fuck?” and “Wanna threesome?” Does it make him guilty though? Let the readers of the Daily M*il decide...The dirty fecker....

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Tecwyn y Tractor 12.45 Sam Tan 1.00 Caio 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 In Search of the Amber Room 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Mot a Tom 4.15 Ty Gwenno 4.40 Gogs 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Dudley Gastronomic 8.30 Plant y Sianel 9.25 The Real Tom Jones A fat talentless freeloader, twenty years out of date and definitely not cool.

10.30 V Graham Norton 11.05 Ulrika Jonsson: The Trouble with Men is they spike your drink, fuck you, then kick you out so they can have a good nights sleep before they present This Morning. (Allegedly - Legal Ed).

Bastard. Oh Matthew Wright, what a shitstorm you’ve thrown at the fan. 12.05 Scrubs 12.35 Frasier 1.05 A Dictator's Dream 2.05 FILM: Last Broadcast Leslie reckons he taught Catherine Z-J all he knows about sex. Better keep an eye on that bottle of Night Nurse then Mr Douglas. Sorry, but it’s just too easy (just how Leslie likes ‘em) . Sorry, I can’t help myself...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Danielle Steel's Heartbeat 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Arrest and Trial 8.30 Murder Detectives 9.00 Dambusters 10.00 The Cheryl Barrymore Story Nick knows tons of good Michael Barrymore jokes, all of them throughly unprintable. Buy him a pint and he will tell all...

11.00 Law and Order 12.00 Philadelphia Eagles v New York Giants 3.40 Rally 4.05 Drag Racing Championship 4.30 AMA Motocross Extracts from John Leslie’s forthcoming biography: I Did It My Way (Whether They Liked It Or Not) “..suddenly she came over all faint, so like a gent I offered to escort her home...”

Tuesday 29 October

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23

Wednesday 30 October BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 The Queen's Nose 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 Bloomers Ah, Terry Wogan. He fills that cosmic void marked “doddery old Irish git” with such breath-taking perfection.

7.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 8.00 Animal Hospital 8.30 Fawlty Towers 9.00 Human Instinct: Deepest Desires 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 High Hopes 11.05 Omnibus: Patricia Cornwell - Stalking the Ripper 12.05 FILM: Milk Money 1.55 Sign Zone 4.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Kedleston Hall 6.30 The Palazzo Pubblico, Siena 7.00 CBBC 10.30 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies 1.15 FILM: Tall in the Saddle 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News and Weather 4.00 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Including tracks by Marilyn, Phil Collins, UB40, Lydia Murdock, the Beastie Boys, Rokotto and the Pretenders.

Respectively: who?, balding twat, pseudo-reggae bastards, who?, godlike, who?, shite-o-rama.

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Black Market Britain 8.00 The Life Laundry 8.30 What Not to Wear 9.00 M&S... and Me 9.50 Babyfather 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Great Britons Collection: The Faces of Cromwell 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Renaissance Secrets 1.00 At the Local 1.30 Coming Home to Banaba 2.00 Secondary Schools Languages: Languages: Clementine 4.00 Languages: The French Experience 2, 3-6 5.00 Working in Construction: Learning and Number Skills

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Never Had It So Good 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Engie Benjy 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.05 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Mr Right Ulrika Jonsson presents the show in which women compete for the chance to date Britain's most eligible man. For libellous comments on Ms J, see Steve’s pages.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Champions League Highlights 11.35 FILM: Interview with the Vampire Mmm...a Brad Pitt / Tom Cruise sandwich...

1.40 Champions League 3.15 International Motor Racing 3.40 ITV Sport Classics 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Match of the Day Live: Celtic v Blackburn 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye. 12.05 FILM: Halloween 5: Revenge of Michael Myers Austin Powers creator Myers brutally murders his own parents in payment for bringing such a dubious ‘comic’ ‘talent’ into the world. Oh, if only.

1.45 Sign Zone 2.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Hidden Power 6.30 CyberTalk 7.00 CBBC 10.30 CBeebies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies 1.15 FILM: Bugles in the Afternoon 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer The sixth, and undeniably shittest, series of Buffy starts tonight. This is Joss Whedon shitting all over his fans, fucking with the characters and quite frankly breaking my black and deadened heart. Don’t watch it, you’ll only get upset.

7.30 Showtime Wales 8.00 Home Front in the Garden 8.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 9.00 Wild New World: American Serengeti 9.50 Look around You 10.00 The League of Gentlemen 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 America's Cup 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

Buffy the Vampire Slayer BBC2 6.45pm

Mr Right ITV1 9.00pm

S4C

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Migmas 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: ABC 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Scrapheap Challenge 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Popty 4.15 Planed Plant: Hanesion Hyll 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy If you have a sensitive disposition, turn away NOW! I fancy Richard Madeley. Yes, you read correctly.

Kill me. Please?

6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Tu Ol I'r Llenni: Treflan 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Ar y Bocs 8.30 Ugain Mlynedd o Chwaraeon 10.00 Brookside 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Ally McBeal 12.00 Sex and the City 12.35 Will and Grace 1.05 The Best of TV Go Home 1.35 FILM: Bandini

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Ellery Queen: Don't Look Behind You 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles Chris, a quiet word. Fuck off, you Chris Evans aping shitewhore.

7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 FILM: You've Got Mail 11.15 99 Things to Do before You're 30 11.45 outTHERE 12.15 Live with... Chris Moyles 12.45 La Femme Nikita 1.30 NHL Ice Hockey: Washington Capitals v Boston Bruins 4.20 2002 Ironman: Austria 5.10 AMA Motocross 5.35 Fastrax

ITV 1

S4C

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Never Had It So Good 2.30 Soft Sell 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Brilliant Creatures 4.05 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.35 Harry and the Wrinklies 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 The National Music Awards 2002 No mention of who’s giving or receiving (fnarr) tonight, but expect braindead bitches Atomic Shitten to feature.

11.00 ITV News at Ten 11.30 From War to Westminster 12.00 Barry Welsh Is Coming Quick! Turn out the lights and pretend you’re not home!

12.30 Night and Day 1.25 Haunted Hallowe'en 2.15 ITV at the Festivals 2002 3.10 Mixmasters 3.35 Cybernet 4.00 Get Stuffed 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Plismon Puw 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Gwib 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Criw Babalw 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Don Roaming 2.15 The English Church 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Noc Noc 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Dudley 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Siopa Byw 8.30 Cof Patagonia 9.00 Hanes S4C Yn 20 Oed 10.00 Brookside 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.05 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 12.05 Model Behaviour 12.35 Alias 1.25 Who Wouldn't Want to Marry a Millionaire?

2.25 ASCAR 2.50 FILM: War of the Buttons This fortnight, TV Desk loves: Matthew Wright, the Aqualung album, the fact that Kate Moss is a big fat biffer now, Bristol City being 3rd in the 2nd division, and Johnathan Wilkes in the Rocky Horror Show. Hhhaahh! Not really!

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 9.30 The Wright Stuff Stay tuned for some more careerdestroying revelations about his TV collegues!

11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 UEFA Cup Football: Dynamo Zagreb v Fulham 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 7.45 UEFA Cup Football: Leeds United v Hapoel Tel Aviv 10.05 FILM: Blind Fury “A heart-rending story of one man’s fight against adversity.

Probably.” - TV Steve. Stars Rutger Hauer, obviously plumbing the depths of post-Bladerunner shite.

11.50 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.30 UEFA Cup Football: Leeds United v Hapoel Tel Aviv 2.05 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v Willem II 3.40 Argentinian Football 5.10 Argentinian Football Highlights

Thursday 31 October

Te evision

BBC 1

elevision

GRiP

24

Friday 1 November BBC 1

BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Rosie's big performance looks set to be a disaster. Fnarr! 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport With team captains Ally McCoist and Frankie Dettori and guests Audley Harrison, Darren Campbell, Rhona Martin and Tony McCoy. Sports Desk have been shocked into silence by the news that John Parrott’s been replaced.

Who would win a fight between them all, though? ‘Definitely not Audley Harrison. Cock. Rhona Martin would probably have the best chance.’ 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Fame Academy 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Mike Doyle 11.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.50 FILM: Death Wish 1.25 FILM: Chato's Land 3.00 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Soaring Achievements 6.30 Statistical Sciences 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Call the Shots 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.05 Junior Great North Run Party 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 Pack 'Em and Stack 'Em 9.25 Looney Tunes 9.30 Arthur v Evolution 10.00 Looney Tunes 10.30 Bob the Builder 10.40 Fimbles 11.00 Tweenies 11.25 Pingu 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies 1.10 FILM: Badman's Territory 2.45 Yes, Minister This is very, very funny and Nigel Hawthorne was a god.

3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars 7.30 Time Flyers 8.00 Small Town Gardens 8.30 Gardeners' World 9.00 Great Britons 10.00 Dad's Army 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Later with Jools Holland 12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.15 FILM: Twenty One An English girl living in New York relives her sexual awakening with a string of exboyfriends, who include a drug user, a married lawyer and a musician. How very Ulrika. All it’s missing is the (alleged) TV presenter rapist. 3.00 AS Guru:

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Never Had It So Good 2.30 HTV Wales News Extra 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Art Attack 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Todd lays his heart and future on the line for Sarah.

Richard sets a trap for Audrey. A trip down memory lane brings Sally and Kevin closer together. A veritable fnarr-fest! 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Celebrity Fit Club Ann Widdecombe insists that the group go mountain biking, and then fails to turn up. Yes, you read that right.

No, it isn’t a joke. 9.00 FILM: Die Hard with a Vengeance 10.30 ITV News 11.00 FILM: Die Hard with a Vengeance 11.55 The Pop Factory 12.25 Veronica's Closet 12.55 Dial-a-Date 1.25 Turks 2.15 Entertainment Now! 2.45 Finley Quaye: In Profile 3.10 Today with Des and Mel 4.00 World Football 4.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.50 Get Stuffed 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Chucklewood Critters 6.25 Arthur 6.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 7.15 Cubix 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.05 Looney Tunes 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.10 Racing from Ascot 2.35 Sailing: America's Cup 2.45 Cricket: Ashes Preview 2.50 Darts 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.15 BBC News 5.30 Wales Today 5.35 Dog Eat Dog Ulrika Jonsson hosts the game show in which six ruthless contestants must eliminate all the opposition to win a cash prize. 6.10 Only Fools and Horses 6.40 The Chair 7.30 The National Lottery: Winning Lines 8.15 Casualty Josh is not feeling well, which puts his relationship with Colette under strain. Fnarr!

9.05 Silent Witness 10.45 BBC News 11.05 FILM: Copycat 1.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 1.45 A Question of Sport 2.20 Top of the Pops 2.50 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 BBC News 9.10 HARDtalk 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 See Hear on Saturday 12.45 Afoot Again in the Past 12.50 Around the World in 80 Days 1.40 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 2.10 The Great Romances of the Twentieth Century 2.35 FILM: El Cid 5.30 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 6.05 What the Papers Say A look back at the events of the week as reported in the press, with Will Self of the London Evening Standard.

John Leslie scenes ahoy. 6.15 Flog It! 7.15 Britain's Best Buildings 8.05 A History of Britain by Simon Schama: Britannia Incorporated 9.05 Fame, Set and Match: Marrying Royalty This edition considers the lives of some of those who have married into the Royal Family: Princess Michael of Kent, Sarah Ferguson, Diana Spencer, Mark Phillips and Sophie Rhys-Jones.

Respectively: alcoholic speed freak, ginger minger, vacuous Sloane with ‘issues’, couldn’t care less, and hasn’t she died yet? Thought she wanted to be the new Diana. 10.05 Battleplan: El Alamein 11.05 Understanding 11.45 FILM: The Wild Bunch 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: AS Guru: Biology 2

Dog Eat Dog BBC1 5.35pm

FILM: Twenty One BBC2 1.15am

C4

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Dydd Gwyl Hwyl 1.35 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 2 1.45 Pet Rescue 2.15 Don Roaming 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.45 Pobol y Cwm 7.15 Y Clwb Rygbi: Cymru v Romania Go Romania!

9.15 Dyma S4C Aled Samuel selects the best and worst programmes on S4C over the last 20 years. Well, it won’t be hard to find the worst. Just look at today’s listings. 10.20 Newyddion 10.35 Dyma S4C 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.10 Model Behaviour 12.40 World Rally: Australia 1.10 FILM: The Violent Men A disabled cattle baron uses violence and scare tactics to push out smaller ranchers and farmers. He is so involved in his evil pursuits, he fails to notice the love affair being carried on by his wife and brother.

Sounds very... odd. 2.55 ASCAR 3.20 Brazilian Championship Football

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: The Priest Killer 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with...

Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Mapping Murder: Moving Targets 8.30 Britain's Worst Driver 9.00 A Mind to Kill 10.55 FILM: Midnight Blue 12.45 FILM: Halloween III: Season of the Witch 2.20 FILM: Smithereens Gritty drama about a young working-class girl who arrives in New York with dreams of making her fortune. Equipped with little in the way of talent she soon finds herself caught up in the harsh urban reality of the big city. I see an Ulrika theme in tonight’s films...

3.50 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.00 Monsters 4.25 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters

ITV 1

S4C

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 24Seven 1.00 ITV News 1.05 HTV News 1.10 On the Ball 2.05 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 3.00 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News 5.20 ITV News 5.35 Record of the Year: The Final Countdown Tonight's contenders include Will Young, Eminem, Sugababes and Liberty X. Will Young and Liberty X should never be mentioned in the same sentence as Eminem and the wonderful Sugabitches. 6.00 Blind Date Cilla Black plays matchmaker to men and women hoping to get lucky in love. One of the few programmes this week I can’t link to Ulrika. 7.00 Popstars: The Rivals 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? John Leslie’s lawyers are certainly going to be. 8.55 ITV News 9.05 Popstars: The Rivals Live Result 9.30 Stars in Their Eyes European Championships 2002 10.30 The Premiership 12.00 The Frank Skinner Show 12.45 The District 1.30 Girls Forever Can’t decide whether this title is post-feminism epitomised or a symbol of patriarchal repression.

2.25 CD: UK 3.15 Dial-a-Date 3.45 Entertainment Now! 4.10 Cybernet 4.35 Get Stuffed 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Off to see Noxagt, an ‘avant-hardcore trio of drums, bass and viola’ now. Should be ace!

7.00 Cisco Euro Challenge 7.30 Cricket 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sport Talk 11.00 Speedway Grand Prix 12.00 Stargate SG-1 12.55 Futurama 1.25 Channel 4 attheraces 4.00 Time Team 5.00 Newyddion 5.10 Rygbi 7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.30 Cyngerdd Pen-Blwydd S4C 9.00 Plant y Sianel 10.00 Brookside 10.30 FILM: Plunkett and Macleane 12.25 Angel TV Amy’s on the other side of the room, so I can say what I like about this.

Buffy and Angel are both astonishingly, endlessly bad, the scripts and plot only outdone in sheer awfulness by Sarah Michelle Gellar’s attempts to act. 1.15 Model Behaviour Late Night Space to fill. Who are the office’s favourite models? ‘Cameron Diaz, cos she can actually act’ - Music Desk. ‘Jane Birkin tops the lot’ Nick. (Fnarr!) ‘Kate Moss! No, Helena Christensen. No, Kate.

Both of ‘em’ - Gemma gets indecisive. ‘I like Caprice’ - News Desk, after much thought. Unlike his choice. ‘I don’t like any supermodels. They’re all lettuceeating whores’ - a jealous TV Amy. ‘Vernon Kaye. He’s quite fit’ Proof Reading Andy. 2.15 World Rally 2.45 Late-Night Poker 3.40 The Marquis de Sade: Pornographer or Prophet?

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 Passion for the Wild 6.35 Passion for the Wild 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.25 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.30 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.25 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.20 The Edit 12.55 Popular 1.50 Harry and Cosh 2.20 Cleopatra 2525 2.45 Pop 3.25 Home and Away Omnibus 5.30 FILM: Teen Agent Have deleted the synopsis of this and can’t remember it, but I do recall that it appeared quite bad.

7.00 Charmed 7.50 Dark Angel 8.40 five news and sport 9.05 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.00 Law and Order 11.00 The Shield An all-out effort is made to catch a serial killer preying on prostitutes. Ah yes, homicidal maniacs would be all the rage at the moment, wouldn’t they? 12.00 FILM: Nitti - the Enforcer 1.45 FILM: Stealing Home This is the title of an ace Shivaree song, so it’s worth checking out just for that.

But if you feel like buying a CD, get Shivaree’s Rough Dreams. It’s a veritable feast of lush strings, velvet vocals and clanking percussion. And the singer’s called Ambrosia Parsley! 3.15 Monsters 3.40 Lexx 4.25 First Wave 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

Saturday 2 November

elevision

GRiP

26

Tuesday 5 November BBC 1

BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 3.05 Doctors Revealed 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 Viva S Club 4.55 Fame Academy 5.00 Byker Grove 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Wild West 9.30 Linda Green 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Cable TV Big haired drummer in piss-poor band, now in own talkshow shocker. “But he’s Welsh and famous, give him his own show!” shout the Welsh BBC bods.

11.35 Fame Academy Uncut 12.05 Dannii Minogue - A Profile 12.40 Sign Zone: What's Your Problem?: The Man Who Learnt to See 1.30 What's Your Problem?: Thalidomide A bit of an un P.C. title meethinketh.

6.00 Population Transition in Italy 6.30 Difference on Screen 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Smurfs' Adventures 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.05 Blue Peter 8.30 Round the Twist 9.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Megamaths 11.10 Let's Write a Story 11.30 The Experimenter 11.50 English Express 12.10 You're the Boss 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Yoho Ahoy 1.15 FILM: Escape to Burma 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek 7.30 What the Stuarts Did for Us 8.00 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? Dumb enough? Crewcutted enough?

9.00 Great Britons 10.00 The Entertainers 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Great Britons Collection 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 Open University: Breaking the Seal 1.00 England's Green and Pleasant Land

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Celebrity Fit Club 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 Jungle Run 4.35 Becoming 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 After They Were Famous 8.00 FILM: Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi Before Jar-Jar Binks, there was the Ewoks.

We should have seen the signs and killed Lucas before he became a sell-out cocksucker. Still so angry....

10.20 ITV News at Ten “Leslie in squirrel love-tryst”. Ok, that’s my lot, I promise. My jokes seem to going downhill faster than one of John’s drinking partners.

10.50 The Frank Skinner Show 11.40 The Carlton Multicultural Achievement Awards 12.45 Strictly Soho 1.10 The Machine 1.40 FILM: Zebrahead 3.20 World Sport 3.45 World Football 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Cramp Twins 4.30 Stacey Stone 4.55 Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog Consumer 7.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 7.55 The National Lottery 8.00 Animal Hospital 8.30 Fawlty Towers 9.00 Human Instinct 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 High Hopes 11.05 Lord Byron: Exile on Fame Street 12.05 10 Things You Wanted to Know about Islam (But Were Afraid to Ask) 12.35 FILM: Dangerous Indiscretion 1.50 Sign Zone 4.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Smithson and Serra - Beyond Modernism? 6.30 A Meeting of Minds 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Smurfs' Adventures 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Lame Academy 8.05 Arthur 8.30 Round the Twist 9.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 64 Zoo Lane 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Made in Wales 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures Plus 11.35 What? Where?

When? Why? 11.50 Cats' Eyes 12.05 Hands Up! 12.20 Maths Challenge 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 FILM: The Other Love 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News 4.00 Escape to the Country 4.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek 7.30 Black Market Britain 8.00 The Life Laundry 8.30 What Not to Wear 9.00 The Sun... and Me 9.50 Babyfather10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Great Britons Collection 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Open University 1.00 Manchester Divided!

Mr Right ITV1 9.00pm

Was Hitler Gay? C5 9.00pm

S4C

C5

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Caio 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Day the Earth Was Born 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 4.30 Planed Plant: Labordy 5-4-3-2-1 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 News.

6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Dudley 8.30 Dewis y Gwylwyr 9.00 Jamie's Kitchen I think I’m contractually obliged to say cunter.

But I’m stronger than that so I won’t.

10.00 Treflan 11.10 V Graham Norton 11.40 More Sex Tips for Girls 12.10 Scrubs 12.45 The Lords' Tale 2.30 Africa Unmasked 3.25 The Art Show 4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Danielle Steel's Daddy 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Arrest and Trial 8.30 Murder Detectives 9.00 Was Hitler Gay? WHAT??

Are all the C5 execs on acid? Was Eva Braun’s real name Eddie or summmit?

10.00 Fame and Fortune 11.00 Law and Order 12.00 Green Bay Packers v Miami Dolphins 3.15 Rally UK 3.40 European Drag Racing Championship 4.05 Argentinian Football 5.35 Motorsport Mundial

ITV 1

S4C

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Celebrity Fit Club 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Engie Benjy 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.05 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up.

6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Mr Right Ulrika Jonsson hosts the show in which women compete for the chance to date Britain's most eligible man. Must resist..urge too strong..must mention John Les...bian. Thanks Amy, that was close.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Beware - Shoplifters 11.30 Drivers from Hell 2002 12.30 FILM: Juggernaut 2.25 MWA 3.15 Coach 3.35 International Motor Racing 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Migmas 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: ABC 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Scrapheap Challenge 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Popty 4.15 Planed Plant: Hanesion Hyll 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Dewis y Gwylwyr 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Ar y Bocs 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Property Ladder 10.00 From House to Home 10.30 Brookside 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.40 Ally McBeal 12.35 Sex and the City 1.15 Will and Grace 1.45 Dave Gilmore in Concert 2.45 FILM: Jogan More extracts from Leslie’s forthcoming biography:“..I don’t regret ending my relationship with Catherine Z J, one the worlds most beautiful women, after all I had my career on Wheel of Fortune to think of. I think history shows that I made the right decision. Soon after I met three Swedish lesbians..”

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Letter to My Killer 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 FILM: The Specialist 11.10 American Sex Series 12.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 12.30 La Femme Nikita 1.15 NHL Ice Hockey 4.20 AMA Motocross 5.35 Fastrax Lets blurt out some highly libellous gossip Matty Wright style for a bit of a laugh...Ainsley to replace the Dark Lord Leslie on This Morning...Ulrika on new love Simon Weston: “He melted in my arms..”.....Catherine Z-J: “I’m staying well clear of dirty old men now”....Stan Collymore to become Swedish National team manager: “I’m not afraid of pulling punches”.

Wednesday 6 November

27

GRiP

Thursday 7 November BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Mummy 4.25 Looney Tunes 4.30 Call the Shots 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Byker Grove Steve tells Matt it is judgement day when he comes face to face with him at the Burn. Fnarr for the two of ‘em! 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Max lines up afterschool activities for Summer and Boyd. A paedophilic fnarr for Max - goodness, BBC1 is excelling itself today! 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders Nita invites Gus to a poetry reading. What, culture?

In EastEnders?! *rubs eyes in disbelief* 8.00 My Family 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 Pet Hate Ooh, I have lots. Kelly Jones and Graham Norton top the list. 10.00 BBC News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 FILM: The Human Factor This was directed by Otto Preminger. Who cropped up in my lecture yesterday for, um, some reason. Um, I don’t know anything else about the film.

Or him. Or the lecture. 2.00 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 6.30 CyberWar 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Smurfs' Adventures 7.35 Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Fame Academy 8.05 Blue Peter 8.30 Round the Twist 9.00 Teletubbies 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 Andy Pandy 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Megamaths 11.10 Spywatch 11.30 Science Zone 11.50 Speak for Yourself 12.10 Primary History 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bowls 2.40 Assembly 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer The gang scatter, leaving Buffy to stumble through Sunnydale, traumatised and confused. That’s Sarah Michelle Gellar’s normal state, isn’t it? No acting required here, then. 7.30 Magic Islands 8.00 Home Front in the Garden 8.30 The Cookery Year 9.00 Wild New World 9.50 Look around You 10.00 The Entertainers 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 America's Cup 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 Science Shack 1.05 Lab Detectives 1.25 The Next Big Thing 2.00 Elements of Healing 2.30 The Chemistry of Life and Death 3.00 Mapping the Milky Way 3.30 Curriculum Development 4.00 Languages 5.00 The Future

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Celebrity Fit Club 2.30 Soft Sell 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Brilliant Creatures 4.05 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.35 Harry and the Wrinklies 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Viv resents the hold Diane has over her. Fnarr! 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Russian Roulette 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Crime Secrets Featuring the stories of a woman who was electrocuted in her bath and a man who was attending a football match in Cardiff. Because they’re just as dangerous as each other, of course... (Dammit, I was cheering for Italy. And Macedonia.)

11.00 Tarrant on TV 11.30 The Food Show 12.00 North Wales Music Festival 2002 12.30 Night and Day 1.25 ITV at the Festivals 2002 2.15 Mixmasters 2.40 The Beautiful South in Profile 3.10 Cybernet 3.35 Popped in, Crashed Out 4.00 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

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6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter H and Claire drop in to perform their new single. But this programme is meant to be setting a good example to small children! It’s as bad as if John Leslie was presenting it... 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Fame Academy Three students must sing for survival. Oh, if only that were true. Then they’d all die.

9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Mike Doyle 11.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.50 FILM: The Rage: Carrie 2 1.35 FILM: The Ghoul 3.00 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 7.00 Sheeep 7.10 Smurfs' Adventures 7.35 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.05 Call the Shots 8.30 Round the Twist 9.00 Teletubbies 9.10 Fimbles 9.30 Bob the Builder 9.40 Storymakers 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Storytime 11.20 Writing and Pictures 11.35 Pod's Mission 11.50 English 12.20 Zig Zag Shorts 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bowls 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars 7.30 Time Flyer 8.00 Hidden Gardens 8.30 Gardeners' World 9.00 Great Britons: Shakespeare 10.00 Porridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review With Tom Paulin, Jeanette Winterson and Will Self. All are top people. 11.35 Later with Jools Holland With Tom Jones, Youssou N'Dour, David Gray, Aimee Mann and the Polyphonic Spree. Leatherskinned, goat-faced old fart; diluted world music; boring fucker; ace Beatles-y pop with acerbic lyrics; hideously bad joke. 12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.15 FILM: Doctor in Trouble

Later with Jools Holland BBC1 11.35pm

Pet Hate BBC1 9.00pm

S4C

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6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Gwib 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Bryn Seren 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Criw Babalw 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Don Roaming 2.15 The English Church 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Noc Noc 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Dudley 7.00 Pobol y Cwm If you’re bored, it’s fun to say this out loud. 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Siopa Byw 8.30 Dewis y Gwylwyr Though impossible to say this out loud. 9.00 Cof Patagonia 9.30 Brookside 10.00 Brookside 10.30 V Graham Norton There are certain words TV Desk can no longer use which fit Norton very well. Personally, I find the phrase ‘Graham Norton’ even more offensive. 11.05 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 12.05 Cricket 12.35 Model Behaviour 1.05 Alias 1.55 David Blaine's Street Magic 2.50 FILM: Broken Arrow

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: McCloud: Man from Taos 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away An innocent gathering at the Sutherland house gets out of control. Innocent chuh. That’s what they all say. 6.30 Family Affairs Cat is convinced that Jim and Geri are an item. Pah, pay no attention - she’s just a pet and knows of nothing except food.

7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 7.35 Live Football: CIS Insurance Cup 10.00 FILM: Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection 12.10 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.50 CIS Insurance Cup Scottish Football 2.20 Dutch Football: Ajax v Willem II 3.50 Argentinian Football 5.20 Argentinian Football Highlights

ITV 1

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Celebrity Fit Club 2.30 HTV Wales News Extra 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Art Attack 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Nuts and Bolts Panic ensues when Amy goes missing.

That would so not happen around here. 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Viv is terrified her secret will be revealed. Yes, I can imagine the shame in being an Emmerdale character. We won’t say anything, Viv! 7.30 Coronation Street A shocking discovery brings Audrey to breaking point. Fnarr! 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Celebrity Fit Club 9.00 FILM: Hope Floats Godawful sentimental shite with the endlessly irritating Sandra Bollocks. 11.05 ITV Weekend News 11.35 The Pop Factory 12.05 Veronica's Closet 12.35 Dial-a-Date 1.10 FILM: So I Married an Axe Murderer 2.50 Entertainment Now! 3.15 Today with Des and Mel 4.10 World Football 4.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Grand Designs 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy God, they’ve been dull recently. Come on, people! Leslie-level scandal is required of you! 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Y Clwb Rygbi: Gemau Her de Affrica: Caerdydd v Free State Slightly confused by the language here, but doesn’t ‘Cardiff v Free State’ imply that Cardiff is not a free state? 9.15 Newyddion 9.30 Friends 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.35 The Osbournes 11.05 Eurotrash 11.35 Cricket Exciting cricket coverage, it says here. Eh? Surely an oxymoron. You know those adverts where it’s all speeded up and set to techno music? If it was actually played at that pace, then cricket might be interesting. As it is, I’m snoring already. 12.05 Model Behaviour 12.35 U2: Live at Slaine Castle 1.40 FILM: Virtual Sexuality Something about creating an ideal man. But it stars Rupert PenryJones, who could never be anyone’s ideal man. 3.20 The Peugeot 206 Rally Supercross 3.45 Brazilian Championship Football

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Deadly Encounter 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Mapping Murder: Black Holes and Spider's Webs 8.30 Britain's Worst Driver 9.00 A Mind to Kill I have a mind to kill Kelly Jones, whose very name is enough to cause murderous thoughts, for what he did to ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’.

The man truly has neither soul nor sensitivity. He also sounds like a pissed walrus. On St Mary’s Street, on a Saturday night. *weeping for humanity* 10.50 FILM: Warm Texas Rain 12.40 FILM: L.A Johns With Britney Powell and Debbie Harry. Sultry drama about a young woman's rise up the ladder in the field of prostitution. ‘T’ain’t a coincidence that the lead actress is called Britney. 2.05 FILM: The Scout 3.45 Monsters 4.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters

Friday 8 November

Te evision

BBC 1

Focus

gair rhydd features section Free Word no.729 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

28 10 02

Happy Hallowe’en

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nce every year, the gates of hell open and its ghosts are free to wander the world of the living. This is what we celebrate during Halloween. In the Pagan–Celtic religion, it’s believed that the spirits of the dead come back to the worlds of the living’ during the day between summer and winter.

It also happens during the Festival of the Hungry Ghost. This is when people in Singapore, Malaysia, Taiwan and parts of China remember the dead. The souls only come back for one night during Hallowe’en. Throughout the Festival of the hungry ghost, they wander the streets for 28 days.

It happens during the seventh lunar month, or in August on the western calendar.

The shops are closed during special hours, and the streets are left empty so that the spirits of the underworld can wander around freely. It’s believed they won’t harm you if you leave them alone. Some people call them “our good brothers”, afraid of the insult it could cause if they referred to them as ghosts.

People fear walking out at night. The spirits of the underworld are nothing like Disney’s “Casper”. Some hunt the earth to steal or make accidents, others to take revenge on people who have wronged them in their living life.

Food is offered, and an opera is performed for the wandering souls. It’s done with the hope that they don’t harm those who remember them.

“I go out at night even though it’s the seventh month. When I come back, the candles are still burning outside the house. It feels frightening, like you’re in a dream,” Michelle Liu says. Xinhui Mok and Michelle Liu are both from Singapore, and study at Cardiff University. This exotic festival was a part of their daily life when they went home this summer.

“If someone gets killed somewhere, you will see people and monks going there to make offerings during the festival,” Xinhui says.

Throughout the seventh month, people set out food and burn joss-sticks outside the house, so that the ghosts don’t enter it to cause harm.

Many believe that more accidents happen during this month than any other. The rationality of this is clear. The dead souls are kept wandering around the place where they got killed. They’ll try to kill someone at the same place, and take their soul to be reincarnated through it.

“It can appear in front of your car when you drive past the place it died and show itself to you in such a frightening way that you get killed”, one modern folktale goes.

“You will never find a Chinese person wanting to live in a house where someone died without a natural reason. If someone gets murdered, or does not get a proper burial, their soul will be left wandering around the place that it happened.

“This festival is for the dead, and not for us. The candles that are lit are white and thin, not nice ones like we burn for Christmas. They just put one on each side of the ghost’s plate. People give

Last year, FOCUS printed a Hallowe’en article that claimed, apparently falsely, that Pagans ate babies. We got into trouble. So this year we travel to Asia to the Festival of the Hungry Ghost. Words by Marte Rimstad

offerings first to their ancestors, and then to the ghosts, but they do not have any parties for themselves,” Xinhui says. People believe that you can eat the food after it has been offered, but that it tastes bland because the ghost has already eaten it.

“The ghosts look like humans, they just slide very slowly. Different people sees different kinds of ghosts”, Michelle tells.

The ghosts can be evil, while the spirits are good. If your ancestor died without getting a proper burial, like in a war, or in an accident at sea, there is a chance that the ancestor appears as a ghost. They can also become ghosts if they are so angry about something that they can’t rest. Envy over what their living relatives have can make them take revenge by causing accidents and misfortune.

The offering of food often stems from a fear of, rather than a respect for, the dead souls. Concerts are held to please “the good brothers”, and to prevent them from doing harm. At some point during the concert there will be no human audience, because the concert is for the ghosts.

During the performance named “The 7th Month Stage”, or “Qi yue–ge tai”, the front row is always left empty.

“It’s a very noisy kind of Chinese opera.

It’s not really a concert, more like an openair performance. People always have a look, but it’s not for them”, Michelle says.

Ways of thinking about the dead vary between different parts of China. Cardiff student Xiang Grace Gao from Shanghai practices the Qin Ming festival. It has some similarities with what Northern European Christians calls “All Souls Night”, but is based on a non-Christian tradition from before the Iang Dynasty.

“We think that there is one day with a special connection between the death and the living world, on the 5th of April. It’s always raining lightly then, and it sets the atmosphere.

The spirits of our ancestors can visit us on this special day. They can see us, but we usually can’t see them. The whole family will go to the cemetery where their relatives are buried. We hold hands and think about them”, Grace says. Her family practices this tradition despite being Christians.

The Hungry Ghost Festival originated from Taoism and Buddhism, and is for many a tradition rather than a religion. Michelle and Xinhui are both free-thinkers, although Michelle believes in some of the traditions too. Michelle’s grandparents are Taoists, while Xinhui’s were Buddhists.

“I’m afraid of the dark all year round, and not especially during this festival. It’s usually the older generation who believe in these traditions, young people think the festival is build on superstitions, ”Xinhui says.

“We don’t care much about the Hungry Ghost festival. I don’t do offerings, but I’m more afraid of the dark during the seven month,” Michelle admits.

FocusFocusFocusFocus

16 • Focus

Keep Abreast of the Situation October is as always, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Charlotte Essex and Harriet Davies take a look at some of the issues and what some people do to raise awareness of the greatest killer of women in the UK

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his month sees the biggest ever surge in trying to raise awareness about Breast cancer. The ‘Get in the Pink’ campaign, supported by Cancer Research UK and the Pink Ribbon Foundation, raise money to further research into cancer in the UK. The UK has one of the highest rates of breast cancer in the world, with roughly 40,000 women developing the disease each year. In the UK, £15 million a year is spent on cancer research by Cancer Research UK and statistics show that although breast cancer has risen over the past thirty years, death rates are falling, with a 22% decrease in the past ten years.

Both women and men are affected by breast cancer, women being much more susceptible due to links between breast cancer and exposure to the female hormone oestrogen. In the UK, 5-10% of cases are hereditary, but there are many other factors associated including alcohol, diet and exercise.

Next time you are in the Taf, bear in mind one alcoholic drink a day raises breast cancer risks by 7% whereas four increases risks by a huge 30%, as alcohol is shown to increase oestrogen levels. If you find the alcohol too much to resist, you can reduce the risk of breast cancer simply by replacing dairy products with non-dairy soya. Even eating soya regularly reduces risks.

Scientists discovered women who eat soya are 60% less likely to develop breast cancer than women with the least amount of soya in their diet. The research shows that women who eat the most soya are much less likely to have the dense breast tissue, the tissue associated with cancer. Isoflavanes found in soya beans act like oestrogen and block oestrogen from tissues in the body, protecting them from the female hormone. This is illustrated by the fact that relative to England and Wales, only a quarter of women in Japan suffer from breast cancer, due to their diet.

Thirty minutes of exercise a day: a walk into lectures; a night on the dance-floor; or a stroll around the shops helps control oestrogen levels, reducing cancer risks as well as keeping off excess weight. Those couch potatoes among you will be 10-15% more susceptible to developing breast cancer.

Breast cancer awareness month (October) is important because it helps remind people that a staggering 1 in 9 women in the UK will suffer from the disease. Chief Executive of Cancer Research UK, Sir Paul Nurse, says, “It is vital we find new ways of preventing the disease.” As well as enormous public support, celebrities are getting actively involved too.

Stars like Joan Collins, Joseph Fiennes, Patsy Palmer and Jeff Banks are patrons of the Pink Ribbon Foundation.

Another active involvement of celebrities in the pledge to raise money is the auctioning off of ‘Betty Barclay’ t-shirts, which have been designed and signed by celebs such as

Geri Halliwell, Joanna Lumley and Samantha Mumba.

In addition to the role of celebrities, approximately 3 million packs will be put into different magazines in October, which relate specifically to Breast Cancer Awareness month. Door-drop mailings, which also take place in October, aim to reach a total of 23 million households in Britain The money for research depends solely on fundraising events and donations. The majority of these events take place in October, ranging from sponsored walks to pub-crawls and hen nights.

For example, Jaeger raised just over £2000 for the Pink Ribbon Foundation at the Seasonal Collection fashion show, by ticket sales alone. The event was held in conjunction with Vogue magazine. Another example is that Ford is offering to donate £20 every time one of us girls test drives a new Ford. There are also a wide range of products on sale at the moment which make a donation to breast cancer care when these are purchased; a good reason to go shopping if you need one!

Products include: Rimmel lip colour flirt, Asda clothes, So Good soya milk and Ann Summers’ massage oil.

In September the Evian Ladies European Golf Tour arrived at the Wales’ Royal Porthcawl golf course. This was to celebrate a series of fundraising events, organized to raise money for the Pink Ribbon Foundation. On October 29th, the South Gwent Beast Cancer support group is opening a specialist bra shop.

Over the summer, there were many events supporting the Breast Cancer Appeal, which took place in our local area. There was the ‘Dare you dangle’ challenge that took place on the 13th/14th July in Cardiff. The challenge involved a 210 ft abseil and managed to raise £30,000! There was a Survival challenge which took place over 5th-7th July.

As a result of these fundraising events, people in Wales are going to directly benefit.

Cancer patients in rural Wales are to benefit from the expansion of the Wales Cancer Trials Network (WCTN). By the end of the year, there will be research nurses working in Abergavenny, Aberystwyth, Bangor, Cardiff, Haverfordwest, Merthyr, Newport, Rhyr, Swansea and Wrexham. This will give patients more access to the available treatments.

The work of the WCTN will benefit patients of today as well as in the future. Their work is an important display of how the Assembly is working to directly benefit cancer patients.

Most people at some point in their lives will be affected by cancer and the more donations made the more research can be done. Lookout for collection pots, events and products and give your support to this worthwhile cause.

The Rocky Horror night in the Union is organised by Rag & Shag, and all proceedes will go towards Breast Cancer Research.

gair rhydd 28 10 02

Thirty minutes of exercise a day: a walk into lectures; a night on the dance-floor; or a stroll around the shops helps control oestrogen levels, reducing cancer risks as well as keeping off excess weight.

gair rhydd 28 10 02

Lads-broke

Focus • 17

Gambling is a sin. No, not really, but for some people the annual flutter on the Grand National can turn into something quite big and dangerous.

Charlotte Lyon looks at the dangers of on-line betting

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ix and a half percent of sixteen to twenty four year old males who have gambled in the last year will develop a gambling habit. Bearing in mind this national statistic, imagine our surprise when we at Gair Rhydd received an advertorial press release advocating an on line casino as a great means for students to try and pay off their financial debts.

“Spin Palace Casino have recently seen the largest online jackpot of all time, paying out a staggering $1.5 million! And have also dealt two royal flushes within nine minutes of each other!!

With odds as good as these, it’s no wonder students are trying their luck at the possibility of paying off their student loans!!” it said.

I don’t know whether it was the prolific overuse of exclamation marks in this statement, or merely our pure common sense that led us to reject Spin Palace Casino’s suggestion of profiling their on-line Casino in our educational paper, and realise their claims of quashing debt as complete and utter tosh.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not your tee total, purse-gripping preacher. I can see (kind of, if I squint slightly and look to the left) how some can get their kicks from risk taking on the Internet. I have even been known to squander a little myself on the occasional horse, lottery ticket, scratch card, slot machine, bingo game, Black Jack hand… OK, OK, but it is occasional, and I do not do it with the intention of paying off my 12K student loan. (Although it’s nice to dream…)

It all began when I was eleven and my mother would leave my brother and me in the capable hands of my grandmother on the occasional night out. Unsuspecting she would breeze out of the door waving and calling good night. As soon as she was out of sight up we would be whisked to the abode of my Great Aunt where a gaggle of elderly female relatives would be waiting armed

with penny jars and bottles of sweet sherry, all ready for a hard night playing New Market.

“Come on spoilsports, just one more game” they would wheeze as my brother and myself, lulled by the alcohol, would yawn, four hours after our bed time, “you can have a top up if you win the next hand”.

But that was then and this is now, and youth gambling is becoming a much more serious issue. These days student betting is not just on the traditional game of poker, or the trip to

Grosner’s after a night out, it used to be. Online gambling is unlicensed and uncontrolled.

You cannot access the Internet these days without being told “click here to play”, but we manage to get by whole months of real life without ever hearing news of an actual casino.

This is because advertising gambling is illegal.

The law protects those who are vulnerable, yet has no control over the Internet. The Internet has made gambling accessible to anyone, and this is the main problem. From the privacy of your

Your Flexible Friend?

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s your credit card safe? Are you sure no one else could use it? More and more people find themselves victims of credit card fraud and it seems that it is very easy, scarily easy, for the fraudster to spend your money.

Anthony Morgan, a postgraduate doctor, found out the hard way how easy it is for someone, with just a credit slip reciept, to spend the money in an account. He made an ordinary transaction in a bar and found a couple of days later that £2500 had been spent on furniture in a town where he had never been. His friend was also a victim of the same fraudster and therefore they had no problem getting the money back from their banks. The obvious explanation to them was that a member of staff had noted down their card numbers from the slips left with the bar.

Anthony was shocked to find that there was not a lot done to find the fraudster; “Despite the fact it stemmed from the same place and [at the same] time, the bank didn’t seem to investigate it. So I am not surprised that credit card fraud is on the increase when banks don’t seem really

use these to open new accounts in your name. Even if you don’t have your name on the utility bill, make sure the named person pays the bill on time, as you are liable for the supply, just by being in the house.

If you have a choice of accommodation in locations where you have little knowledge, check each postcode using the free Neighbourhood Search facility on checkmyfile.com Whilst you are at University, use the Mailing Preference Service to stop personalised junk mail credit card application forms falling into the wrong hands.

Arrange to check your credit file regularly. When it arrives, make sure there are no surprises such as new accounts and that your account balances are where you expect them to be. If you are living in accommodation occupied by many others, such as large student accommodation or halls of residence, check your credit file for people with the same surname and arrange to ‘disassociate’ yourselves from people you don’t know, especially if you have a relatively common name.

His advice is to “be careful because all they need is a reciept with your number on it and they can empty your account” interested in investigating it. Until that point I didn’t realize how easy it was for people to take your number and buy lots of things with it.”

Anthony felt violated by the theft and is now very cautious with what he does with his recipts. His advice is to “be careful because all they need is a reciept with your number on it and they can empty your account.”

“It is easy to take for granted the security provided within a family home and to overlook some of the very real risks when sharing accommodation,” says Barry Stamp, Joint Managing Director of checkmyfile.com, UK’s first Internet based credit reference agency.

“Students have reasonably easy access to credit and are soft targets for identity theft, a growing menace and the UK’s number one fraud area.”

Checkmyfile.com have put together a Top Ten for students on how to avoid becoming a victim of fraud at University.

Don’t arrange for your bank or credit card statements to be sent to your term address. Set up a free internet fax account and ask your parents to fax them to you instead, or wait till you get home, or use banks and credit cards that offer online balance checking.

If you agree to have a utility bill or TV rental in your name, don’t leave these hanging around in a shared lobby area, because fraudsters can

When you apply for credit, don’t stretch the facts on the application form, as they are often compared to earlier ones. Not only are you likely to be declined, but you may even end up with a fraud warning on your credit file.

If you decide to blow your Student Loan on a car, check it out first on checkmyfile.com to make sure it is not reported stolen, or has not been written off by an insurance company after an accident. It’s probably the biggest asset you’ll own for now.

Control your borrowing as best you can and, if you get in trouble, seek help early. Remember that future employers can and do check your credit file. If they can see you don’t manage your own affairs, they’ll be unlikely to invite you to manage theirs when you graduate.

Never be careless with your personal identifiers such as your mother’s maiden name, place of birth, or your bank details. Never leave part filled credit applications lying around; shred papers with personal information that you don’t need any more.

For more information go to www.checkmyfile.com. There you can access online credit reports, credit scores, vehicle information, postcode ratings and other useful information. Anna Rembere

bedroom no one can realise the extent of compulsive gambling, and of course the individual cannot rely on himself to set the alarm bells, for it is the self that is usually the last to realise the problem. When using digits on the screen as playing credit, and not actually hard cash, a sense of unreality sets in. It is so much easier to carry on playing for that big win around the corner when you cannot see just how much cash you are actually laying on the table, and it is so much harder to stop.

Gambling is now much more frequent in the student population because it is often the first time we are away from familial restraints.

Parents have no idea whatsoever what we do with our spare time, so unusual or uncharacteristic behaviour can go unnoticed for a long period of time. Risk-taking and experimentation is the norm and, of course, there are all those spangly new student loans to spend.

What’s a mere hundred quid compared to the thousands that are residing in the bank?

Especially if we can turn it into thousands eh?

But lying and misleading is the name of their game. The sites use many modes of entrapment, like offering you a free £75 if you join their players club. But only after you download the software are you informed you may claim the £75 after your initial purchase of £150 credit.

Excuse me if I thought I heard the silent whisper of “sucker” as I slowly tapped in the digits of my shiny new credit card, and then please excuse me too for not progressing any further with my research, but I just could not afford it.

But is it all really that bad? Rubbish I hear a few voices from the back. “You’re a woman, what do you know about gambling?” True.

Women are far less likely to squander their pennies on gambling when there’s that bargain Miss Sixty top in the sale that needs to be snapped up. But then, only one percent of women who have gambled in the last year will develop a habit, and they are much less likely to develop the habits that come hand in hand with gambling: compulsive drinking, smoking and drug taking.

“But gambling is fun” (I hear those pesky voices again), “Give over with your female bias and let society have a choice”. Of course, the thrill of gambling can be most enjoyable (ahh for those nights in with grandma), and it can be challenging (no, I’ll never be able to master the art of poker), and it will definitely not be banned in the foreseeable future. As long as you know when to stop, gambling can be an entertaining and sociable past time, but for those who don’t we really do need some kind of protection.

In March 2002 the Government proposed to stimulate and liberalise gambling and perhaps there was a positive side to this proposal.

Internet sites could be run in Britain for British people, whereas before only organisations off the British shores could have British punters in their “casinos”. Also approved sites would carry the British kite mark to show it was a fairly run business. Odds would be fixed and there would be legal protection for you if your winnings were unfairly retained.

On the down side, there is no real answer to what would happen to British society if tacky American style casinos started popping up around the country and youths spent their evenings indoors, heads glued to the screen, communicating only with virtual players.

Perhaps even we would revel in the newfound love of danger in the British attitude and cheer immensely in the thought of ‘maybe, just maybe…’?

As long as gambling remains a bit of fun with your mates then there is no real problem. It is when it becomes a secret, when someone’s behaviour becomes unsociable, defensive or aggressive, that you need to become aware.

University is about making friends, joining clubs, and generally getting out there. We all know it costs money but at the end of the day you will gain far more from this experience than you ever could by hopelessly trying to win your loan back, or even by spending the unlikely grand you may unlikely win from one of these unlikely honest sites.

18 • Focus

gairrhydd 2002-2003

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Contact us Address gair rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434 Advertising – 0845 1300667 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

gair rhydd 28 10 02

POPSCENE: goes PUNK

H

ave you ever listened to emo, skanked the night away or been in a mosh pit? If yes then you’re braver than I am, because I certainly hadn’t. I confess that I do occasionally listen to more commercial alternative bands such as Bowling 4 Soup, Blink 182, Sum41 but that’s as ‘alternative’ as I get. Listening to more hardcore ‘choons’ never really appealed to me - it just wasn’t my bag, baby.

Dancing to Britney in Lash was more my scene. [sensible girl - Popscene ed.] However this was all about to change…

It all started one Monday night; my flatmates asked if I wanted to go the OddSoc alternative music society pub crawl before heading on to Fun Factory.

I initially thought, ‘how bad could it be?’ I mean, all it involved was going for a few drinks before heading onto the Union. But as the time to get ready approached, I suddenly started to feel a lot more apprehensive. What would I wear? I had no baggy jeans, punky tops or cool beads. We all judge people by their clothes, consciously or otherwise; however in this situation would my clothes reflect my musical tastes? Would I end up being an outcast from the start? I didn’t dare to be different so I tried the skater-chick look and swapped my Miss Sixty knee-highs for a pair of Etnies.

My mission: to fake it as a punk princess. I did some preparatory research on some more obscure bands such as Small Brown Bike, The Get Up Kids (or The ‘Get-Out-of-Here Kids’ as I prefer to call them) and the Moldy Peaches just in case. My world

Pop princess Holly Llewellyn fakes it as a punk chick with an evening out in Metros

of music provided by MTV was soon to come crashing down; there was a strange and exciting world beyond Las Ketchup. Marvellous.

I was starting to believe that I could keep up this façade, especially upon entering the Woodville a guy with dreads said hello. Result! Unfortunately, this was not the case. OddSoc were at the other end of the bar and they weren’t looking as approachable.

It was at this point that I really did start to worry.

They all looked so cool and I could tell that everyone was checking each other out. The new members were in one group looking a little bewildered and the society executives were in another group looking aloof. This left me and my flat mates to form our own little group. So much for socialising then. I started to feel pissed off that I wasn’t going to get my chance to show off my acting skills so I thought if no one was going to chat to us, I would just have to go over to them. Lacking the courage to speak to the execs, I braved the freshers instead, ‘fessed up to my R’n’B roots and got the dirt on what the new members really thought of it all. The general consensus was that people were a bit up their own arses and wouldn’t come over and socialise with new members as they had expected.

The Woodville had been a terrible choice for a Monday night: it was hot, crowded and loud. But things were to get better as we moved on the Pen and Wig. This was the pivotal point of the evening. On the long tables outside everyone started to chat quite

openly and it was here that I realised these people were actually normal. All my preconceptions disappeared; there is a stigma attached to people who enjoy listening to alternative music that they are very extreme. I found that this was not really the case - anarchy never even came into conversation.

Everyone just had a passion for music and this bound them together. I was having such a good time that when I was told that we were no longer going to the Union but Metros instead, I agreed to go. Metros had previously been described to me as a cave-like dive with lots of smoke but I embraced the challenge with an open mind. I have to confess it was not as bad as I had thought. Instead of a smoke machine, a bubble machine. A rather ironic scene; hardcore grimsoc-ers head banging in the midst of bubbles.

I can hear you all saying ‘ah but will she be going back?’ Well I got to dance and I even attempted to skank (much to the amusement of everyone else) and with my newly acquired Metros membership card I think I could well be persuaded. Especially as at the next OddSoc event Hilary, a fellow north-east lass I hasten to add, will be doing her first DJ set and I know that she would appreciate everyone’s support.

If anyone has the slightest interest in alternative music, join OddSoc. The people are great, there’s an even mix of boys and girls and they will definitely share your passion for music. And if you’ve got an open mind towards music - get yourselves down to Metros.

Fried gold Daniel Barnes has an exclusive Q&A with T4’s June Sarpong, who is preparing to host the ClothesShow Live 2002 this December. If you want to be there to cheer and swoon for June, look out for a competition to win tickets in our next issue.

What are you looking forward to most about CLOTHESHOW LIVE? The whole atmosphere. I have been to one before and the atmosphere was electric, so it will be great to host this year!

How would you describe your style?

Very individual; quite funky but yet classic.

What’s your current favourite outfit?

Oooohhhh, good question. I got a few shoes but my favourite is shoes - Christian Labootan Couture wire shoes and outfit; also a wonderful Wallyaddiyami tracksuit, a very nice Cavisoluwu Kimono and great Top Shop tops.

What were the last 3 items of clothing you bought?

Top Shop denim skirts and their really nice gypsy tops.

Have you ever made a fashion faux pas?

When I was younger I wore terrible multi-coloured shell suits from Walthamstow Market.

K

Not So Model Behaviour

eeping with the fashion theme, I thought it was about time Fried gold made very careful note of Channel 4’s Model Behaviour: a blood-curdling mixture of raw talent, neurotic judges, fly-on-the-wall shenanigans, and nice boys in rubber pants.

On the one hand, it is just another brick in the ever higher reality TV wall, but it is also an extension of the psychological violence we have come to love.

Simon Cowell telling people that they can’t sing and simply destroying people’s confidence and dreams to be singers is one thing, but to have the editors of GQ and Glamour UK tell you you’re pig ugly is quite another. PopScene has delighted in watching hopeful youths having the whole edifice of their ambitions shattered on national television, but cannot abide by the criminal defamation of faces that abounds on Model Behaviour.

The objectionable thing is that in order for everybody to realise you can’t sing you have to do so in the first place, but to destroy a person’s selfconfidence by going on television and saying their face is shit is too unkind. These poor rejects may never leave their houses again for fear of eternal mockery.

Aside from the foulness of the judges which the public have become curiously obsessed by in all such shows, Model Behaviour includes tomfoolery and nakedness, which is always good television at six in the evening. The final eight

have not been as much of a delight to watch as they could have been if the sexy boy with the pink shirt had been chosen, but the unbearably sleazy and conceited Nathan has reminded us all why he should just shut up and be naked for the rest of the series.

The models’ swanky East London flat is just about the best thing the programme has to offer for things to look at.

The sleek Habitat interiors and ridged wooden exterior are a joy to the eye as the capital bustles past outside and that girl with the ‘80s porn star hair wonders how to cook pasta inside.

There have been some very amusing moments when a haggard American woman, who claims to have been a model for 30 years, attempted to teach them how to walk. Like dogs on their hind-legs, they ambled down a makeshift catwalk with this crow squawking at them from the sidelines as if the universe were on fire. Next time she’s on, turn the sound down and watch her arms flail – absolute fried gold.

It is worth watching, though, if only to see the immensely pale – but somehow endearing – girl with the blondwhite hair, daze around like a lost ghost, whilst Andes – the Swedish hair-cut – does the right thing by taking his clothes off regularly and flirting with the slightly terrified/bemused girls.In the coming weeks, Andes will do his Darius impression and wear a thong walking down Oxford Street in a desperate publicity stunt. Awesome scenes.

gair rhydd 28 10 02

Find a stable career What are you going to do when you graduate? bet you never thought you could work with horsies.

Well you can. Holly Roberts did...

W

hat did you do this summer? Clean replies only, please! Well, I took part in something a little out of the ordinary; I joined the British Horseracing Board’s Graduate Development Programme.

Some of us know exactly what we want to do when we finish our degrees, some have a vague plan and I suspect the majority of us have given little or no thought to it at all.

I fall into the second category as I had a vague idea that I would like to work in the horse racing industry and as the name of the course suggests, it is designed for people interested in such a career. However, as the name does not suggest, this programme is not only open to graduates; students who have a year left to go will also be considered should they apply, and that’s what I did.

So what does this course involve? Well, like most things, it begins with the application, which means sending your CV and a letter to the British Horseracing Training Board (BHTB) in February. If you go to www.bhb.co.uk this gives you details of the programme – which consists of a two-week course at Newmarket followed by a placement with one of 17 companies and organisations involved in the industry.

When you apply you are asked to detail your interest in racing, why you want to go on the course and which of the placements you would like be considered for and why. These are wideranging from betting (William Hill), breeding (Tattersalls), the press (The Racing Post), the Jockey Club, Betting Levy Board and Racecourses and each of these organisations sponsor a student through the course and give them the eight-week placement for the summer.

When I applied I put Letheby and Christopher, a leading racecourse caterer as one of my choices, knowing that it was not a popular choice, and hoping that it would be enough to get me to interview where I could dazzle them with my wits and get the placement I really wanted with The Racing Post. This backfired and I ended up being offered a place with Letheby and Christopher, which I decided to take as, in the words of Gill Lovell from the BHTB “the Graduate Programme is an established and recognised route into the industry”.

At the beginning of July I started the twoweek course at the British Racing School in Newmarket. This consisted of lectures (yes, I know we get enough of those at Uni), stable visits and time at the races.

It is designed to give the students the ‘big picture’ of horse racing and addresses included marketing, security

Focus • 19 (much in the news at present), horse welfare and other relevant issues. Companies within the industry regard this section of the course as vital and we given the benefit of the views of many of the leaders in their fields.

Once this two-week ‘induction’ course is completed, the graduates then go their separate ways to begin their placements. These are usually eight weeks long but are lengthened or shortened to fit the needs of both the student and the company.

From this point I can only tell you about my experiences with L&C and what they had to offer me. I must confess, that when I was first offered this placement, I did wonder what I was going to learn about the racing industry by working for the caterers and this feeling continued until I had been there several weeks.

I was based at Newmarket racecourse working directly for the General Manager and being involved in a variety of projects he asked me to do, from research about what other racecourse caterers offered ,to some particularly exciting envelope stuffing in the s t a f f i n g department when they were b u s y !

However, when the weekends arrived, we were racing a n d that

meant long days, aching feet and, if lucky, getting to watch a race now and again, but set against that, I had the opportunity to see the staging of a big sporting event from behind the scenes.

Newmarket racecourse is one of the largest and most important in the country and during the summer they stage Friday night, Saturday afternoon meetings. After racing on Friday nights, there is a concert laid on for racegoers and this summer they had bands such as Jools Holland, The Pretenders and Status Quo playing.

L & C gave me the opportunity to see how such an event is staffed, the security involved, what goes on in the kitchens and cellar – that was an experience and a half – the corporate hospitality units and how they work, the accounting and ordering – I could go on and on.

When I started my placement, I found it hard to see the relevance of what I was doing. By the time I left I realised that my projects had taught me a great deal about the relations between the racecourse and caterers – and trust me, you won’t enjoy a day’s racing if you can’t get a drink or snack. The racedays provided me with huge experience of what goes on behind the scenes to make a successful sporting event.

I also found that not only are L & C one of the largest racecourse caterers – responsible for many other courses throughout the country not just Newmarket, but alalso Cheltenham, Aintree, Chepstow, Bath, Windsor, Goodwood and others. They are also involved with catering for the British Grand Prix at Silverstone, the Millennium Stadium and other big sporting venues.

As for the other placements, I can’t tell you much about what the graduates spent their eight weeks doindoing, but I do know that those who were prepared to make a go of it all seemed to enjoy their time.

If you think you might be interested in taking part in this programme, go to www.bhb.co.uk and find out more about it. I’m not sure I’ve made it sound as exciting as it was, but if you think you might b be interested in working in horseracing or a related industry, you really should look into this.

It looks good on the CV, is guaranteed paid work for the summer, gives an insight into the industry and an opportunity to make friends and contacts that will last you a lifetime.

Everybody needs good Neighbours It’s a debate held throughout these Isles, the Commonwealth and indeed the world. Which is the best Soap? I say Sunset Beach, Chris Hopper thinks differently

N

othing burns me up inside as much as when people suggest that the two best soaps on television are Coronation Street and Eastenders.

The best soap on television is Neighbours.

Coronation Street, the wildly inaccurate portrait of Manchester life, terribly acted and written, masquerades as compelling and challenging drama. Meanwhile, Eastenders, presumably now written from beyond the grave by Reggie Kray, portrays itself as tough, uncompromising TV on the East-End streets, where people try and kill each other, then kiss and make up, and Pat Evans, the shockingly masculine, perma-tanned, übermake up fanatic fuels “the girl is mine” fights between Roy Evans and Frank Butcher despite long since drawing her pension. The beauty of Neighbours, contrarily, is that it is so bad it’s good.

People will testify to being addicted to Neighbours; I am one of those people. Many will say this makes me sad. I don’t care. I’d much rather be addicted to Neighbours than, say, Coronation Street or Michael Bolton records, or heroin. Neighbours, like Marmite and Status Quo, never changes. It’s always there, like a hot water bottle in television format, BBC1, 5.35pm, every weekday (except during Wimbledon or similar sporting events when it is unforgivably banished from the schedules), waiting to remind you that everything is just ok.

The best word for Neighbours, then, might be escapism. On 11 September last year, BBC1

cleared its schedule and went to the newsroom. It was alright for one day to be told that the entire world is at the mercy of a crazed caveman, and that, if we’re honest, a lot of people in the Middle East don’t like America for reasons of which they’re not entirely blameless. The next day, however, I longed for Neighbours to put a

the time? That’s fine if you want your soap to be a social commentary, but neither Eastenders or Coronation Street has created as many immortal characters as Neighbours has.

Forget about Vera and Jack Duckworth, Harold and Madge Bishop are still the finest oldage couple ever to grace our screens. When Madge died last year, leaving Harold heartbroken, it was hard not to feel a lump in the throat at Ramsay Street’s original couple torn apart. Never let anyone tell you Neighbours doesn’t have emotional depth. Think of Joe

Forget about Vera and Jack Duckworth, Harold and Madge Bishop are still the finest old-age couple ever to grace our screens. bandage on these world at war wounds and remind me that life is actually all about the girl at school you like, or someone’s dog going missing, or Lynn’s Scully’s hairdressing business. Does this, then, make me naïve? Only in the way that listening to a song called Flying Without Wings is naïve.

Neighbours has always been about providing entertainment without breaking boundaries. In the last few years, while our own home grown soaps, such as that one set in the mundane streets of Salford and that one set in the mundane streets of East London, have laboured over such thorny issues as murder, rape and paedophilia, Neighbours has been quite happy to leave these out as if ignoring them will make them go away.

Fair enough, I say. Who wants to be depressed all

Mangle, the weird man-next-door with a neurotic wife called Melanie, and a child called Sky. Lest we forget, Mangle’s inimitable catchphrase, “ping off”. Helen Daniels, played by the late, great Anne Haddy, might not have had the greatest storylines but she provided both amusement (to see how many times she could say “darling” in one episode) and comfort (because she was so reassuringly bland). When Helen died in 1997, I was on my school French exchange, but I recruited my family to record the episode in question. Half of the people with me, it seemed, had done so too.

Today, Neighbours continues its sheer mediocrity and is consequently as essential as ever. In a world of politically correct, tediously plotted and professionally scripted programmes,

Neighbours is refreshing because it’s so unashamedly cheesy, tacky, formulaic and politically incorrect. Don’t look for homosexuals or ethnic minorities in Neighbours because there aren’t any. If you’re a regular viewer, you’ll know that the Neighbours way to get two people into an even remotely sexual situation is to have them play-fighting on a sofa before tumbling off it on top of each other, at which time the groundbreaking eye contact is made. If two people are having an adulterous relationship, you can bet your life that a) it will take place not in a nondescript location but in the house of one of the offenders; and b) that they won’t bother to lock the door. Moreover, a simple enquiry to a guilty party of the state of their health, would result in a paranoid, yelped response of “of course I’m alright, why shouldn’t I be, Why what have you heard?” If a Neighbours addict, you’ll also know that Give Me One Good Reason has been playing in Harold’s coffee shop for the past four years non-stop. Libby played the song to husband Drew and asked him if it reminded him of anything. When Drew, well, drew a blank Libby replied that it was the song playing when they first kissed. “Of course it was the song playing the first time they kissed,” I bellowed at the screen, because it’s the only song ever played on Neighbours.

Neighbours, you should or will already know, is the ultimate soap: undemanding, entertaining and deliciously politically incorrect in a PC world. Forget realism, Neighbours is an hopelessly addictive way to remind ourselves that not everyone has bastard neighbours who never crack a smile and let their dog crap on your garden. It’s a shame my TV has just broken.

gair rhydd 28 10 02

Focus • 20

NHS: Saving Lives or Making Money?

So what is the future of our Health Service? Tony wants to privatise it, well sort of, but will it get any better? Patrick Cosh tries to find out where our NHS is going

W

hat’s the first thing you would think of if asked to name something identifiable with the National Health Service? Bed shortages? Patients lying (and dying) on trolleys? Harassed and overworked staff? All are undoubtedly features of our healthcare system today.

However, despite these (and countless other) problems, the first thing to enter my mind upon mention of the NHS is the unique and remarkable nature of its existence. Our healthcare system is unrivalled anywhere in the world for its principles of fairness and equality in providing services for all, regardless of background or financial circumstance.

It is an egalitarian, progressive institution which has survived many an assault on its founding philosophy. It is impossible to deny that the NHS is beset with difficulties, but it’s equally difficult to claim that a publicly-funded health system, available to all and paid for through taxation, is anything less than an intriguing and well-meaning concept.

But changes are in store. Public frustration with the condition of the NHS has placed an incredible amount of pressure upon New Labour, and they have unveiled their blueprint for the future of the service. It is a radical one. The government wishes to introduce a series of PFI (Private Finance Initiative) elements to our hospitals, which will apparently apply some private sector oil to the creaking machinery of the grey and antiquated state-run system. Effectively, this will allow private companies to build hospitals, and then rent them back to the NHS. This will not, according to Tony Blair, affect the traditional funding of the NHS in any way at all, but will merely allow greater scope for the treatment of patients and thereby help everything run more smoothly.

Furthermore, it is being made clear that this is not the first step along the road to full privatisation of the NHS, but is in fact a genuine and much-needed reform of the healthcare infrastructure.

The benefits of these changes are clear for all to see. The building and maintenance of new hospitals will be “contracted out” to private firms, thus reducing the strain on the public purse. More and more NHS patients will be treated in private hospitals, which will do much to ease the pressure on

all hospital departments. In addition to this, there will (in theory, at least) be productivity improvements, brought about by the dynamism and innovation of the private companies involved.

The introduction of long-term management contracts will save taxpayers money, as will the removal of the burden currently placed on public funds when the cost of building a hospital becomes higher than its original estimate.

I worked as a porter in the NHS for eighteen months before coming to University, and witnessed the difficulties faced by staff (qualified and unqualified) on a day-to-day basis. It is claimed that the introduction of PFI will, through the “outsourcing” of treatment, reduce the pressure on

Blair’s recent speech to the TUC, in which he labelled those opposed to his plans as “wreckers”, has aroused the anger of many union members, who claim that their opposition to government policy has the backing of an overwhelming majority of the public.

Furthermore, opponents of the scheme are suspicious of the government’s intentions. They argue that while this may not be full privatisation, it could quite easily be seen as the first step along a road which will eventually leave the NHS in a similar situation to the railways, and with identical difficulties.

One such problem is the “fragmentation” of services (you know the sort of thing: you ask when

There is no point denying that changes are needed because mistakes are made on a fairly regular basis, but it’s impossible for any healthcare system to guarantee that nothing will ever go wrong. these staff. In short, the essence of the argument is that the whole package will lead to greater efficiency at a lower public cost and will therefore work in the interest of the people that matter most: the patients.

There is, of course, much opposition to this scheme. Unison, the largest healthcare workers’ union, is committed to the concept of “keeping public services public”, and has launched a highprofile campaign against P F I .

To n y

the next train is due and the assistant says something like: “Don’t ask me - that’s Wales and West”). It is argued that “outsourcing” of healthcare could lead to cracks in the uniformity of the system. Indeed, some fragmentation is already taking place, with private companies taking over the running of individual catering and housekeeping departments within hospitals; resulting in staff working in the same areas, or on the same wards, but with different pay structures, holiday allowances and sickness benefits. This, it is claimed, leads to suspicion, resentment and confusion.

Critics of the policy will also point to the fact that PFI hospitals (most notably, a recently-built facility in Cumberland) have been a less-thanresounding success. Indeed, they seem to be experiencing many of the problems already in existence within the NHS. It is often claimed that PFI facilities possess far fewer beds than they should, and that this can be ascribed to reasons of cost.

It would, perhaps, be naïve to suggest that there should be no private sector involvement in the NHS whatsoever. But, in my view, it’s also important that we don’t

exaggerate the degree to which the service is in difficulty. Regular talk of “crisis”, stoked up by the right-wing press, often blinds us to the fact that our health service is still functioning; improving, even. There is no point denying that changes are needed because mistakes are made on a fairly regular basis, but it’s impossible for any healthcare system to guarantee that nothing will ever go wrong. It should also be remembered that for every horror story we read in the tabloids about people with broken limbs being forced to wait for hours in sardine-can A&E receptions, or starving old ladies being ignored by overworked nurses, there are thousands of conflicting tales involving satisfied patients who are treated promptly, efficiently and with respect. Unfortunately, “Pensioner ‘very happy’ with hospital stay” is unlikely ever to make the front page of the Daily Mail.

Perhaps what is needed most in the NHS is a hefty dose of good old-fashioned investment. To be fair to the government, they have started the ball rolling in this area too, although it may be some time before the evidence of this becomes apparent to patients. While there are clearly advantages to PFI, it is my opinion that the NHS is one area in which the private sector should be severely restricted from intrusion.

In my experience, NHS staff are dedicated, hard-working and professional.

They are demoralised, and they do work in horrifyingly stressful situations, but the vast majority are strongly committed to their jobs. They love their work: if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be doing it.

But these people, for the most part, do not wish to work for the private sector. The reason they chose healthcare as a profession was because they wanted to put something back into their communities - not generate profits for some faceless chief executive. The private sector and the NHS will make uneasy bedfellows. We should fight PFI now, before it is too late.

email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 28 October / SPORT Page 24

Welsh show up Italians Continued from Back Report by Geraint Rowlands

The question on every ones lips, is of course, where do Wales go from here?

Following two excellent performances, Wales currently top Group 9 with 6 points.

They face Azerbaijan, away from home, on November 20th.

When asked if three points were realistic, Gary Speed was cautious "We’ve played only two games. We need to keep our heads and if we have two games left and are still top of the group, then we can be happy, but until then we cant afford to be complacent".

The prospect of playing in such a hostile environment didn’t seem to trouble the experienced campaigner; "They’ll be a tough team to beat on their own turf, but we have learnt to be patient and take key chances, when playing away".

The Group system throws up a return match against Azerbaijan in March. The FAW are expecting a similar capacity crowd for this game, with talk of tickets being on sale before Christmas.

The all round team performances that Hughes has demanded from his men looks set to take Wales closer than ever to qualification for a major championship.

However, if the dream is to become reality, a further 6 points are surely needed in the home and away fixtures against Azerbaijan before Sparky’s Army can think of booking their tickets for Portugal.

Bluebirds flying to new heights Report by Nick Byrne

CAPTAIN GRAHAM Kavanagh led by example with a welltaken strike in 79th minute to give the Bluebirds all three points in an otherwise dull encounter.

Cardiff dominated the proceedings at Ninian Park but consistently failed to turn their possession into clear-cut chances.

Lennie Lawrence made two changes from the team that drew 2-2 at Wigan.

Evergreen Andy Legg was restored to his left wing role and Martyn Margetson was given his debut between the sticks for the visit of Wycombe Wanderers.

After a subdued opening, Robert Earnshaw went close on eight minutes hitting the post from an excellent cross from Rhys Weston.

City continued to pull the strings early on with Peter Thorne cursing his luck after striking the woodwork twice in the first quarter of an hour.

Faulconbidge came closest for Wanderers with a header on 37 minutes, but Margetson was more than equal to it, whilst his cheeky lob sailed narrowly wide three minutes later.

Despite the occasional

Bigger crowds are expected

break away from the visitors, the first half rarely saw Cardiff troubled, and the home side were rightfully disappointed to go in at half time without the goal that their domination deserved.

The Bluebirds should have opened the scoring within minutes of the restart, with first Thorne heading straight at the keeper and then Kavanagh heading wastefully wide from an excellent Legg cross out on the left.

Margetson was called into action again, saving twice in quick succession, holding on well to a Rammell strike and then bravely smothering a close range effort from Devine.

Manger Lennie Lawrence demanded more and rang in the changes. First Whalley made way for Andy Campbell, before Chris Barker replaced Gary Croft on 71 minutes.

The change of formation seemed to boost City, and their dogged determination soon paid dividends.

An excellent Legg cross caused havoc in the visiting defence before the ball finally found its way into the path of Kavanagh who at the second attempt was able to finish coolly past the keeper and in doing so enabled Cardiff to steal the spoils.

Man of the Match: Martyn Margetson (Cardiff City)-Dealt comfortably with anything that came his way and made a fantastic save from Rammell that kept City in the game.

DESCRIBED BY Lennie Lawrence as "a bad day at the office" Cardiff lost a disappointing game 1-0 to Blackpool at Bloomfield Road.

City scarcely created a

Future’s bright for British no.4 but Uni may prove too tempting Report by Alex Macpherson

THE WELSH National Tennis Centre isn’t what you’d expect of a club hosting a professional tournament. In a cavernous room disturbingly reminiscent of a school sports hall, six courts are crammed into a space which could fit inside Wimbledon’s Centre Court. The press release trumpets that the Welsh International Open boasts ‘players who have played at Wimbledon’, but when the top seed is Argentina’s 96thranked Mariana Diaz-Oliva, the name recognition factor is unlikely to be high.

This is a pity, though, for the

tennis is of an unexpectedly high standard. The Challenger circuit - of which this is a part operates just beneath the level of the WTA Tour proper, and is frequented by an astonishingly wide variety of players: teenagers beginning the transition from the juniors to the seniors, former Tour players clawing their way back up the rankings, journeywomen of all nationalities eking out their living.

With each win representing another step to just breaking even financially for the week no Kournikova-esque multimillion endorsements for the players here – it’s no surprise that emotions run high. The first

19-year-old Anne Keothavong looks a strong prospect.

match gair rhydd comes across features Tunisia’s Selima Sfar, a player whose innate flair on court is offset by a frankly aweinspiring temper, furiously berating one of the two line judges present. "Please be more fucking careful!", she snaps.

Challengers have long been regarded as prime places to look out for the Next Big Thing: American tournaments are notorious hunting grounds for agents from top management companies, and current top five player Kim Clijsters’ first title was a British Challenger. Though two names find themselves the subjects of much speculation – France’s Marion Bartoli, fresh off a shock win over Arantxa Sánchez-Vicario at the US Open, and Marta Domachowska, a 16-year-old Pole playing just her fifth senior tournament – the figures prowling around the complex have their sights set elsewhere.

The state of British women’s tennis is legendarily hideous, but one of the few rays of hope is 19-year-old Hackney-born Anne Keothavong, ranked 240 in the world and fourth in Britain. Given that her performance in Cardiff – winning three qualifying matches and three main draw matches to make the semifinals before losing to in-form French teenager and eventual champion Stéphanie CohenAloro – was the best of all the

chance and were made to look poor by a Blackpool team who are the embodiment of their manager Steve McMahon, average skills being masked by hard work and total commitment.

Blackpool dominated the first half and will have been disappointed to go in at half time at 0-0. Lawrence admitted after the game that his midfield is at it’s best going forward.

McMahon must have done his homework as the game was effectively won in midfield.

With Blackpool’s middle four concentrating on stifling City’s more creative counterparts by chasing and harassing in relentless fashion Kavanagh, Boland, Whalley and Legg struggled to get into the game.

It took Blackpool five second-half minutes to take the lead. Dalglish picked up the ball 10 yards into his own half on the right wing and launched the ball towards

Murphy in the City penalty area. Murphy let it run to Hills who had made terrific ground on the left wing. An attempted cross from Hills cruelly deflected off Prior’s shin, who had moved across to cover the out of position Weston and flew into the corner of net leaving Alexander, in the City goal, totally wrong footed.

Following the goal City made three changes in order to bring the game to Blackpool, with Fortune-West, Campbell and Maxwell coming on for Legg, Thorne and Boland.

City charged forward for the last fifteen minutes and for the first time had Blackpool on the back foot. But it was too little too late as Blackpool defended doggedly and hung on for a well deserved three points.

If this is to be merely a blip on the road to promotion City need to put on a good show in front of the Sky cameras

against Tranmere this Saturday. Another loss could see City drop to sixth and serious questions over their promotion credentials.

M.O.M: Daniel Gabbidon(Cardiff City)Fresh from his superb performance against Del Piero, Gabbidon kept his focus and produced another near faultless display.

Enthusiasm is spreading

Can’t win anything with kids Report by Gwenno Dafydd

match, the young Welshmen turned out a solid, gritty and passionate performance, and were probably the better side in the first half. The two Italian goals occurred as a result of individual mistakes, and had Wales maintained the same pace at which they played in the first half, they may well have drawn, or even won. But what are the chances of the Welsh youths improving on their results?

There are some difficult problems facing the future of Welsh football, one of them being the lack of a professional Welsh league, together with the lack of coverage of the existing one.

The League of Wales, which was until recently firmly entrenched in the sponsorship wilderness, doesn’t appear to be a good platform for showcasing Welsh footballing talent; this makes it difficult for players to proceed to a higher level, with the exception of Wales

and Aston Villa star Mark Delaney, formerly of Carmarthen Town. Perhaps if the league was better financed and publicised it could grow in stature, secure better facilities, and slowly restrict the Welsh dependence on clubs beyond Offa’s Dyke to nurture young Welsh talent.

But perhaps the most pressing problem is the lack of funding within Welsh football. The Welsh FA receives from the Welsh Assembly only a tiny fraction of the amount given to the Welsh Rugby Union.

And from that money, only £220,000 goes to the grass roots of Welsh football, compared with the £60 million ploughed into the English equivalent. With Wales’ international profile made much higher by the first team’s achievement, will Rhodri Morgan now delve deeper into his pockets to ensure that Mark Hughes’ success in reviving the game here won’t be short-lived?

AS THE Welsh first team continued their transformation into a formidable unit under Mark Hughes, the previous night saw the Under 21s suffer a 12 defeat at the hands of the Italian Under 21 side at Ninian Park. The defeat brought their total of consecutive games without a win to 26. But despite the result, the weather, and the lack of Welsh supporters knowing the words to the National Anthem, it wasn’t all doom and gloom.

Wales got off to a flying start with Shrewsbury Town’s Jamie Tolley scoring with a blistering shot after just 4 minutes, following a pass from Arsenal’s Adam Birchall.

Wales nearly made it 2-0 after 25 minutes, but goalkeeper Amelia pulled off a great save to deny Welsh captain Rhys Day’s header from Michael Price’s free kick. Indeed, Wales maintained their lead until half time, but it was surrendered shortly afterwards when Matthew Williams’ failed clearance found Italian striker Sculli, who shot low past Wales goalkeeper Jason Brown to bring the score level after 52 minutes. The Italians piled on the pressure throughout the second half, and their winner eventually arrived in the form of a D’Agostino penalty after 79 minutes, following Price’s foul on Brighi.

Despite losing the

Youngsters like Davies have pushed Wales forward. Who’s next?

British women, it’s no surprise that the LTA is closely monitoring her progress.

When gair rhydd caught up with Keothavong afterwards, she was able to remain sanguine about the loss: "Unless you’re winning every tournament, you’ll lose every week. You learn not to get down on it too much", she shrugs.

The vagaries of the professional game haven’t always been so easy to deal with, though. Earlier this year, rumours abounded that Keothavong was only playing because of parental pressure and that she hated the game.

She takes a refreshingly honest attitude when confronted with the rumours: "Yes, it was all true. I was on the verge of

going to uni, going back to live a normal life." Only a timely change of coach in August prevented her from quitting the game permanently.

Still, her experience means that Keothavong is able to accurately pinpoint the reasons for British tennis’ distinct lack of world-class talent: "Tennis simply isn’t a popular game for girls any more. It’s expensive, and you don’t get that many sponsors, and it’s not an easy life. Going to university is just so much easier than slugging it out in places like this for such little immediate reward. I’m sure there are LTA failings, but so much of it is to do with the whole attitude towards the sport."

Keothavong’s own attitude

towards the sport could never be called lacklustre: watching her second round win over the Czech player Olga Blahotova, her willingness to openly display emotion was striking – in particular, a selfdirected bellow of "you fucking tosser!" following a fluffed smash which drew gasps as it echoed around the hall. Keothavong laughs at the memory. "I’ve actually calmed down a lot, though it seems hard to believe - I haven’t smashed a racket in ages!"

There’s no guarantee that Keothavong will ever make even the top 50. Yet she’s intelligent and refreshingly laid-back about her chances.

This time, perhaps the optimism is justified.

email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 28 October / SPORT Page 25

C’est magnifique

WE ARE all familiar with hearing superlatives used in association with the attacking nature of French rugby. We are also all too familiar, unfortunately, with the more unsavoury aspects of the Gallic game: the in-discipline, the frailty of on-field spirit and a bewildering refusal to perform away from home.

Not any more.

During the past year, French rugby has all but eradicated the undesirable elements that have previously undermined their attractive game.

Under the rule of National coach Bernard Laporte, rugby from international level down

to the club game has cleaned up its act.

Laporte has reiterated time and again the importance of correcting the in-discipline that has always been considered ingrained in the French rugby psyche.

France are now an impressive side and possess a highly organised defence to support their world-renowned attacking prowess. The defeat of England in Paris last Spring was built on a platform of defence and discipline.

That game was the climax of a mighty season for the French. It began in November 2001 when France hosted South Africa and Australia on

successive weekends. They beat them both.

An impressive feat in any circumstances but one made even more significant considering half the team was made up of international novices.

Fresh-faced youngsters Poitrènaud, Jean Jean, Rougerie, Traille, Gelez, Michalak, Harinardoquy and Privat, all under 23, took to the international arena like ducks to water. Likewise loose head prop Jean-Claude Crenca who, at 31, was plucked from his twilight years at Agen and awarded his first cap by Laporte.

Report by David Williams

tackle.

Super League Grand Finals wouldn’t be the same without controversy, though. In the 1999 final, Bradford, who must now feel that the rugby league gods are against them, were denied another try by a different video referee.

The record crowd of 61,000 plus weren’t to know what lay ahead of them as Bradford took the initiative from the first whistle as Scott Naylor cut in from the right to touchdown. Paul Deacon added the conversion and then a penalty following his disallowed effort.

However, the tide was beginning to turn towards the end of the first-half as Saints got on the scoreboard with a score by Mike Bennett which was converted by Long. It was Long then who pounced on a Bradford mix-up to score just before the interval with a try under the posts, and after

adding the two points the Saints went in 12-8 up at halftime.

In a classic ding-dong encounter Bradford turned the match around again after the interval with tries from Robbie Paul and Michael Withers, the scorer of a hat trick last year.

With the match seemingly going one way there was another twist.

Martin Gleeson crossed the try-line, and with a penalty by Long, the match was all square with minutes left.

And, for Brian Noble and Ian Millward, the Bradford and Saints coaches, the game looked to be heading for extra-time when several dropgoal efforts drifted wide.

However, it was Long who proved to be the match winner, with his effort coming in the last minute of time to send the St. Helens fans wild and claim their fifth win over Bradford in major finals.

Saints marching on ST HELENS kept their tight grip on the Super League trophy after a late drop goal clinched a one-point win over bitter rivals Bradford at Old Trafford.

Man-of-the-match Sean Long succeeded where others had failed in the closing few minutes to seal the Saints’ fourth Super League Grand Final win and their third in four seasons.

It wasn’t without incident though as firstly, the video referee turned down a Paul Deacon try for Bradford in the first-half. Then, with seconds left, match referee Russell Smith failed to spot a deliberate piece of gamesmanship by Saints skipper Chris Joynt who appeared to go to ground without being touched, thus not giving the Bulls the chance of a counter-attack had he lost the ball in the

Report by Robert Lamb

Despite the two great victories against Southern Hemisphere opposition and the Grand Slam that was to follow, I believe the French truly came of age on this summer’s tour to Australia.

Having arrived in Oz after defeat in Argentina, France were blown away by the world champion Australians.

With two defeats behind them and a second Test v Australia looming, the writing was on the wall for the ‘volatile’ French. Never at ease in the face of adversity (and this time on the other side of the world), France would need to discover a solidarity and spirit not familiar to a Tricolore team. They did just that.

In an absorbing match the rugby was breathtaking.

France stood firm and kept a strict discipline while their young stars threw caution to the wind.

At the end of another sweeping move, only a handling error by an exhausted Imanol Harinardoquy, France’s 22yr old No.8, denied what would have been an astonishing victory.

So can France now control their discipline when emotions are running highest?

After the opening weekend of this year’s Heineken European Cup, the French record is impeccable.

This competition has barely begun but the early signs are ominous. France has always had great strength in depth and French players have always been capable of producing brilliance but, equally, have always been held back by the flaws in their rugby playing mentality. If that area of their game has truly been addressed then British players, including England, may find the French simply too hot to handle.

GR SPORTS QUIZ Welcome, friends, to our little sports quiZ, compiled just for your pleasure. You can win a holiday to Hawaii. If you enter a quiz with real prizes. The questions are good though. Can anyone beat our quiz master?

Email entries to grsport@hotmail.com 1. Who did Man Utd beat in a replay in the 1990 FA Cup Final?

2. What feat did Sir Garfield Sobers achieve in St. Helens, Swansea in 1968?

3. Where do Leicester Tigers play?

4. How many gold medals did Mark Spitz win at the 1972 Olympics?

5. Whose batting average in Test matches is 99.94?

6. Who holds the record for the shortest spell in charge of the Welsh football team?

7. In what year did Arsenal win their first double?

8. Who holds the women’s 100m world record?

9. Which British skier recently had an Olympic medal taken from him after a failed drugs test?

10. Which British woman won Wimbledon in 1977?

11. How many World Drivers Championships did Stirling Moss win?

12. Where do London Welsh play their home games?

13. Who won a gold medal in badminton for Wales in the 1998 Commonwealth Games?

14. Which football teams nickname is the Quakers?

15. Which eccentric snooker player could be making a

comeback after surviving cancer?

16. Everton used to play at Anfield: true or false?

17. How many times has Welsh jockey Carl Llewelyn won the Grand National?

18. And how many times did Red Rum win the same race?

19. In which sport would you find an ippon?

20. In what year did Greg Rusedski reach the final of the US Open?

21. In golf, who won the 1999 British Open?

22. Which cricket team are nicknamed the Lightning?

23. Who holds the men’s 800m world record?

24. Who is the QPR manager?

25. The first Five Nations match was played at Cardiff: true or false?

26. Who holds the record in men’s tennis for the fastest serve?

27. Which sport do the London Towers play?

28. Who holds the record for the fastest 147 break in snooker?

29. Which country will be hosting the next Summer Olympics?

30. Finally, name three players who took part in the film Escape To Victory.

Last Week’s Answers: 1. 7 2. Black Cats 3.

Chester-le-Street 4. Jack Nicklaus 5. Loftus Road 6.

11 7. Shane Warne? 8.

Damon Hill 9. 10 11. 1991 12. The Eagles 13. Australia 14. 5 15. Nottingham Forest 16. 3 17. Ieuan Evans 18.

Chris Tomlinson 19. Salt Lake City 20. Courtney Walsh 21. Flushing Meadows 22. Moscow 23.

Bath 24. Ian Rush 25. Surrey 26. Paul McGinley 27. New Dean Court 28. Munich 29.

Cliff Thorburn 30. Everton

Do I not like that...

Something on your chest? Riled by our report? Write to our sport letters page email grsport@hotmail.com

Letter of the Week We’ve got a female guest editor, hence all the homoerotica Dear GR Sport, In simple terms, England have a very small chance of winning the Ashes this Winter. England are not a poor side though. In fact, they have made many improvements since their disappointing 4-1 defeat last Summer against Australia. The Aussies have an incredible cricket side. Their bowling has everything: pace, aggression, experience, consistency and spin. Their batting is the best in the world even without the Waugh twins.

Unfortunately, I could not name one English player who would be good enough to get into the Australian team. Only Trescothick, Vaughan, Gough and Flintoff would get into a squad of 20.

England do have a good set up, a good captain, an excellent coach and potentially a strong squad. However, ‘potential wins nothing’. To all England fans, just appreciate how good this Australian team is and enjoy the one test we will win. Prediction: 3-1 Australia.

Yours truly, JA Tomlinson (Hampshire) Guest GR Sport. True. I’m sure my gran could get on the England team but she is a legend to be fair. She’s 83 and can still stand on her head. To be honest I care very little, except for the fact that in the old days cricketers all looked nice and smart in their whites and now they are all dressed up in technicolour glory. Losers.

They all talk balls Dear GR sport, What is going on with football commentators and pundits at the moment? On ITV you have Ally McCoist and Andy Townsend whose ‘opinions’ consist of telling you what just happened.

Then you have Big Ron giving his advice. It’s just a shame he didn’t heed his own advice in his many managerial failures.

Even the once legendary Des Lynam has gone rapidly downhill since switching channels! Then you have commentators with their laughable attempts to pronounce foreign names and a nasty tendency to get overexcited. I’m talking to you Motson. . . You know things are bad when Alan Hansen and Robbie Earle are the best people on the box. . .

Yours sincerely, James (Hanuman) Guihan Guest GR Sport. Yeah, Des was once truly great but then started advertising weedkiller and it’s all

been downhill from there. At least Lineker has redeemed himself. He may have run off to the Japs at Grampus 8 but he now brings us pleasure in those Salt and Lineker adverts. Legend.

has finally confirmed the fact that a large proportion of the population have been sucked in by the media hype that surrounds this over-rated, over-paid, publicityseeking prima donna. Phew!!

Yours angrily, Me

Bent Beckham Dear GR sport, As I was watching the 100 Greatest Britons TV show I was horrified to see one Mr. David Beckham at number 24. Was this a joke made by the producers to see if anyone would actually notice? Well I did, and I nearly fainted. How can a player who dives, has no speed, no skill and rubbish hair even get into the top 100 people in British history?

Where was Moore, Charlton, Charles or Matthews, or even Lineker? I think this programme

Guest GR Sport. Errr...can’t say I agree. Anyone else notice Beckham’s silky skills in the World Cup? Me neither. I was too busy looking at his bum.

Beautiful Beckham

GR Sport will almost certainly print your letter, so get writing and get your views read by fourteen thousand people. The views expressed in these letters are DEFINITELY NOTHING TO WITH THE SPORTS EDITORS

Monday 28th October / SPORT Page 26

I MG

Results

email grsport@hotmail.com

Group A 23rd October 2002

Auxilliary Engin

0-4

FC Real Bowen 2, De La Mere 2

Carbs A Spratt 7

7-1

Earth Soc Pearlman

Law B Yousef 3, Jules 2, Cox

6-3

Myg Myg Owen, Davies, Williams

Uni Hallstars Fish 3

3-5

Crimson Schlong Chips 3, Sauce 2

I MG

Results

Group B 23rd October 2002

Accounting Stanley

0-5

RPR Smeltings 3, Hornby 2

Chemsoc Bunsen 2, Burner 2

4-0

Bute Park Utd

Gym Gym Saint 2, David

3-6

Jomec Rubb 2, Biish 2, Team 2

Torpedo Engin Danger, Rous

2-3

Carbs B Bread, Paster, Rice

I MG

Results

Momed AFC Adams 3, Edmunds

History Sammuels 2, King

3-2

Cathays FC Brady, Lambert

Mathletico Madrid Ford 3, Stevens, Hardy

6-0

Irish

Results

Momed’s spirit saw them come from 3 - 1 down

0-10

Economics Market4, Stock 4, Pound 2

Group D 23rd October 2002

Christian Union

0-8

Psycho Athletico Pearce 6, Hopkins 2

Ecosoc Manley, Adams, Pitt

3-1

Pharmacy Jenkins

Planathinaikos Jones, Johnson

2-1

Planderlecht Leslie

Woka Juniors Tyler, Isherwood, Thoms

3-3

Law A Williams (OG), Pitt, Jin

I MG

Results Carbs B Cplan Sawsa

Economics Phist Socsi Cardiff University B Law A Medics

FINALLY, THE IMG Football season has kicked off; a week later than planned. On a very sunny, although extremely cold, day at Pontcanna the usual glut of goals were scored as teams looked to stamp their authority onto the league.

Defending champions Jomec were pushed all the way by a talented Gym Gym team but eventually ran out 6-3 winners.

Carbs A, Economics and Psycho Athletico all began their campaigns

23rd October 2002 3-4

I MG

Report by Billy Lee

with very comfortable wins, destroying Earth Soc, Wyvern Wanderers and Christian Union FC respectively. In the game of the day, Momed showed their resilience to battle back from 3-1 down, just edging out Accountancy in the battle of the big guns in Group C. Spirit was the key, but Owain Adams was in inspirational form.

Good victories also for Chemsoc, Mathletico Madrid, FC Real, Law B and Roath Park Rangers, all starting with a bang. In the Planning derby, it was Planathinaikos who just got the better of Planderlecht. However, the shock of the day came in Group B, in the Torpedo EnginCarbs B game. Torpedo, rated as an outside favourite for the title, may have fallen victim to a bit of complacency as Carbs came from behind to gain a great victory. In fairness to Engin, they were without their regular keeper but lets not take anything away from Carbs who deserved their victory.

So, from this opening week of fixtures and some of the big guns misfiring, it seems that this years IMG is well up for grabs.

Group C

Accountancy Tomlins, Apple, Mac

Wyvern Wanderers

Big guns misfire as IMG proves close call

What’s your favourite sporting moment? Tony Adams going to prison.

Billy Lee for GR Sport CARDIFF UNIVERSITY A showed just why they are this years favourites with their demolition of Socsi.

The reigning champions were scoring at will, averaging nearly two goals a minute, breaking the IMG scoring record that they have held for two years of 38-0 against History. The only crumb of comfort Socsi can take from this is that with this fixture out the way for the season, things can surely only get better!

There were also very impressive starts for Carbs A and Pharmacy, both of whom will surely be challenging come the end of the season. Carbs overwhelmed Sawsa although, in fairness to the architects, they didn’t have a full team and had to borrow a player off their opponents.

Pharmacy comfortably saw off Cplan.

No real shocks happened in the other fixtures, with all the premiership teams of last year triumphing, some more comfortably than others.

Chemy/Biosci pushed Law A all the way but eventually went down by 9 points.

By far the closest and most controversial game happened between Law B and Carbs B in Group A. As the game drew to a close, with the scores deadlocked Carbs B won with the last shot of the game and the lawyers, led by a fine display from Goal Shooter Jess Poole, were beaten. However, there was some debate as to whether time should have been called before the final shot.

So, with the first game out of the way, the teams are raring to go on their quest for glory in 2003.

The second week of IMG netball brought high quality entertainment and

excitement. There were a number of games that looked good on paper, and they didn’t disappoint. Carbs A were, once again, very impressive cruising to victory over Cplan.

Carbs boast the meanest defence so far having only conceded one goal in two games. The B team, however, was unable to stop an impressive Pharmacy team winning their second game in a row. Unlike the previous week, most of the games were very tight and were won by only a few goals. Chemy/Biosci bounced back from defeat last week to just pip the Medics.

Phist recorded a deserved victory over Comsoc and Law B scraped past Sawsa, although credit must go to Sawsa who have trained very hard and are greatly improving as a team.

Mixed fortunes for the Law teams, however, as the A team was beaten by Psychology in a game that will probably decide who will win Group C. In the same group, Gym Gym and Cardiff Uni B could not be seperated, drawing 5 all. But the story of the day came in Group B where Economics met Cardiff Uni A, the reigning champions, unbeaten in well over 18 months and fresh off the back of their record breaking win the previous week. Economics were not overawed though and took the game to their opponents, gaining a 14-5 victory that will have turned a few heads. All the Economics players played superbly but special mention must go to Katie Snell and Anna Roberts, who were both magnificent.

Has the balance of power shifted? Have the champs lost their touch? Time will tell but I wouldn’t write them off just yet.

A bit like Matthew Wright, we’re fed up with the legal constraints inflicted on us by something called journalistic integrity. So here are some ridiculously forthright sport predictions for the next twelve months from our dedicated sport editors. We’ve attached a photo so you can berate them in Solus. Enjoy.

Tristan Thomas, Chief Sports Editor Supported Team; Arsenal.

Favourite Sporting moment: 1989 season, Mickey Thomas, Title won at Anfield. Or Garry Mabbutt, two moments: Last ever match, Gross doesn’t give 23rd October 2002 him a game despite Spurs 8-14 Pharmacy finishing mid-table. And his greatest ever appearance.

Queen’s Nose, 1997. The boy 0-19 Carbs A can act.

Prem top three: Gunners will 9-11 Law B come through, Liverpool nearest threat, Manchester 14-5 Cardiff University United, often lack impetus through the centre, especially 12-6 Comsoc without Keane.

Div One: Portsmouth: With Stone on board they won’t LPC sink. Wrote that myself.

TBA Div Two: Cardiff. You can’t 5-5 Gym Gym spend ten million and not go up. Just ask Wolves.

9-14 Psychology Div Three: Exeter City. Late run from nowhere. That’s why 6-8 Chemy / Biosci the third division’s so great.

Scot’s Prem: Celtic. With

Netball

IMG Netball Fortnight

Hartson on board, there is no stopping this juggernaught.

Ashes Prediction: England.

For Hollioake.

Cricket World Cup: The unsung hero of cricket, John Crawley, will prove why he’s unsung, by letting everyone down. England out in he group stages. There’s no stopping the Kiwi’s though.

Wimbledon Champion: Roger Federer. A year on he’ll be that much stronger.

The Open: Vijay Singh Six Nations: Ireland. For long odds, with a reasonable chance. Will have to win all their home games though.

David Williams, Sports Editor Supported team: EvertonCome on The Toffees.

Favourite sporting moment: Adrian Dale of Glamorgan hitting Glenn McGrath for six at St. Helens; that’s for not giving me your autograph you

mindless Fosters swilling nobody!

Prem Top Three: Arsenal- A squad with the greatest quality by far. 2nd Liverpool. 3rd Manchester United Div One: Norwich- No stars but good, honest professionals.

Div Two: QPR- Loyalty to a friend I’m afraid.

Div Three: Bournemouth- The rest are crap. But not Swansea.

Scots Prem: Motherwell- Sod the Old Firm.

Ashes Prediction: 4-1 Australia. Simply too good for us.

Cricket World Cup: South Africa- Just to piss off the Aussies.

Wimbledon Champion: Tim Henman- At last.

The Open: Vijay Singh- Way better than Woods.

Six Nation’s Egg: FranceC’est magnifique.

Riath Al-Samarrai, Sports Editor Supported Team: TottenhamThe clean half of north

London.

Favourite sporting moment: Tony Adams going to jail for drink driving. Dirty, criminal bastard.

Prem t op Three: Manchester United-Arsenal have shot their load in football, move over and let a real team take over.

2nd Arsenal- They have to come somewhere.

3rd Liverpool-Houllier is a patronising loser, but it’s a funny old game.

Div One: Portsmouth- Dirty Harry Rednapp has done great things for Pompey.

Div Two: Cardiff- Come on the Bluebirds, shit on the bastards below!

Div Three: Rushden and Diamonds- Max Griggs is all too happy to put his hands in his pockets. Money does buy happiness. Also, Torquay are useless so forget them.

Scots Prem: Dundee Unitedwho cares, they are all inbred anyway.

Ashes Prediction: 5-0 Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.

Cricket World Cup: Sri Lankacome on Muttiah Muralitharan.

Wimbledon Champion: Pistol Pete Sampras- Like a fine wine, he gets better with age.

The Open: Colin MontgomeryThe fat bastard has to win something in his life.

Six Nation’s: Italy- Well they’re rubbish at footy so good luck with the egg.

Monday 28 October / Sport Page27

email grsport@hotmail.com

Game of season stalemate Report by John Tuscany

Cardiff Kayaker’s conquer Alps Owen Davies for GR Sport CARDIFF KAYAKERS ventured abroad, once again, for their annual two week, white-water tour. Thirty paddlers, both novice and experienced, joined together for the journey to the Rabioux campsite near Briancon, a town central to white-water activity in the French Alps.

The first day was based on the Durance river, a section popular among rafting companies. Concentrating on breaking in and out of the fast flow and paddling through wave trains, a few took their first swims of the tour, but gained useful knowledge and tips from the experience.

Our second day saw us challenging the Ubaye river.

The Upper Ubaye was a section for all paddlers, although the technical section at the start pushed the freshers to their limit. For the expert, however, this was merely a warm up for the infamous ‘La Fresquiere’, a grade 5 section of river, testing their abilities with fast water, massive stoppers, and large drops.

Finally, the experienced paddlers and intermediates ventured onto a section of the Ubaye called ‘The Racecourse’. A well-known grade 4 section, used for white-water racing competitions. For some, this was a test of their skills at the highest level, and there were a few swimmers. However, others took the opportunity to lead for the first time on a more difficult river, under the watchful eyes of the safety paddlers.

As the days progressed, the group explored more rivers.

For the beginners, there were

the Upper Guisane, the Upper Guil, the lower Gyronde, and the slalom site on the Durance. This was not an opportunity for the intermediates and experts to relax, however, as it provided valuable training ground for safety paddling.

The intermediates developed and improved their skills and confidence quickly, pushing themselves on the Onde, the Lower Guisane, Chateux Queyras, and the Lower Guil. Meanwhile, the safety boaters took on the challenges of infamous sections such as the Gyr, Guardian Angel Gorge, and the Triple Step, both on the Guil.

As the end of the tour neared, not only had everyone notched up more experience, but techniques had improved vastly. Breaking in and out of the current was neater, rolling back up was swifter and more reliable, and technical lines were more accurate and effective. The trip was an undeniable success, and whetted the appetite of paddlers new to the sport.

The trip was a fantastic conclusion to a successful year for the canoe club, following a hatrick of wins for both the mens and ladies teams at the UW polo competition, numerous river and surf trips, and impressive performances in the Welsh Canoe Polo tournaments.

Finally, this tour, like so many other trips, could not have gone ahead without the help of many people. We would like to thank Zoe Smith, Russell Duffy, James Trigg, Paul Hudman, Adrian Laber, Owen Davies, Russell Duffy, Elan Winter, Adam Crispin and James Trigg for providing invaluable safety cover and advice.

AFC I 1 - 1 NEWPORT I Potentially this season's biggest league game for both sides ended in nervy 1-1 draw.

First year Will Thompson made a dream start to his BUSA debut, cooly finishing when put clean through, following a sweet passing move.

Cardiff failed to take advantage of their early lead, Niko Algieri and Nick Johnson both missing half chances, but they still went into the break 1-0 up.

After the interval Cardiff looked the more likely to score, skipper Andy Lee guilty of wasting a glaring oppurtunity to put Cardiff two up, tamley shooting at the keeper from six yards.

Inevitably, Newport began to come more and more into the game, and it was no suprise when, on 70 minutes, a fluent Newport attack resulted in the unfortunate Jamie Parkinson scoring an own goal past the hapless Rich Warwick.

A nervous last 20 minutes saw both teams anxious not to lose, and the game ended in a disappointing draw.

Cardiff were left to rue their inability to convert the early oppurtunities, and probably need to win all of their remaining league games to clinch the league title.

AFC II 3 - 1 GLOUCESTER III CARDIFF CONTINUED their Welsh Cup winning form of last season, as they outplayed Gloucester to win 3-1 The game began brightly, with Cardiff dominating early possession without creating much in the way of chances.

It was not until the 30th minute when the deadlock

Uni firsts showed resilience

was broken by the intricate footwork of Brian McGovern, which fed Chris Trout, whose cross was headed into the far corner by Mike Rabjohns.

Four minutes later, Rabjohns bizzarely grabbed his second; the Gloucester keeper fumbling a shot into his net after a dangerous free kick from Rhys Jones.

The Gloucester defence were clearly shaken, and it took just two more minutes before Cardiff were three up, Trout spectacularly bicycle kicking a Danny Gunnion cross into the corner of the net.

Cardiff keeper Gavin Ramjaun conceeded a penalty on the stroke of half time to give Gloucester some hope, but the second period was played out without any troubles for the impressive Cardiff back four.

A thoroughly satisfying start to the campaign for the seconds, giving hope for a successful season.

AFC III 6 - 2 AFC IV THE BUSA fixture computer threw up this Cardiff derby in the first week of the new season, with the thirds running out 6-2 winners.

A fiercly competitive game saw the thirds race into an early three goal lead through Italian Diego Gurnieri, Steffan

Dutch and an Andy Roper penalty.

They didn't have it all their own way though, as the fourths staged a spirited come back before half time, goals from Gaz Nettleton and Will Chesterfield giving the fourths hope at only 3-2 down.

After the break the thirds

BUSA

Results

began to take control, and further goals from Jon Monks, Phil Wood and Tom Morgan finally secured a comfortable win.

The thirds will surely be pushing for the title this year, and the fourths can take consolation from a spirited performance.

ROUND-UP 2nd Week. Wed 23rd October

Men’s Badminton 1st

4-4

Swansea

Men’s Badminton 2nds

3-6

Bath

Women’s Badminton 1sts

6-3

Oxford

Women’s Basketball

41-57

Swansea

M.Football 2nds

0-0

Gloucester

M.Football 3rds

1-1

Swansea

M.Football 4ths

3-0

Medics

Golf

4-2

Plymouth

Men’s Rugby 1sts

30-3

Medics

Men’s Rugby 2nds

15-12

Swansea

Men’s Squash 1st

5-0

Exeter

Women’s Tennis 1sts

6-0

Southampton

Netballers claim clean sheet Rosalind Sack for GR Sport CARDIFF NETBALLERS came away from this, the first week of BUSA matches, with a clean sheet of victories across the club.

The 1st team and last season's BUSA finalists made the journey to Oxford, eager to prove that even with key players graduating, they were still a strong and worthy side. The match began with a slow first quarter, neither team making an impact. But it was only a matter of time before Cardiff reached full stride, taking control in all areas of the court.

Player of the match, Rachel Roberts, worked hard in centre court, backed up by some confident play from new additions to the squad, Abbey Fletcher and Rachel Williams.

Final score, 37-25 to Cardiff.

The 2nds, meanwhile, were drawn at home to Bath, achieving an equally deserved win at Talybont. Cardiff led throughout, despite losing defender and vice captain Natasha Griffiths to an ankle injury in the first half; their first casualty of the season. Bath's defence dug deep in the second half but to no avail, as Cardiff steadily pulled ahead. A mixed squad of old and new players gelled well through a number of tactical changes. Nikki King at Goal Defence fought for every ball and proved an intimidating defensive figure, whilst the accuracy and movement of Maxine Dolloway at Goal Shooter strengthened the attacking side. The final score was a convincing 49-31 victory to Cardiff.

The 3rds also gained victory away to Medics 2 at their home ground in Barry. Cardiff began

well with superior ball skills and court play, forming a solid side to rival their university colleagues. Cardiff's lead ran steady until the final quarter when tired legs led to a marginal loss of form.

But Cardiff remained calm under pressure with the aid of Anna McDonald playing a crucial role, covering the centre court with skill. Cardiff however, emerged as strong winners, maintaining a 42-25 final score.

"Everyone in the club deserves to be proud of themselves for this week’s performances" said club captain Michelle Flaherty, "It's been a rush at the start of the season to get everything going again and we have alot to live up to after last season's successes. We are capable of even greater things this year but we have a long way to go yet!"

GR SPORT FOCUS: CAVING Bea Goford for Gair Rhydd I FONDLY recall those innocent days before I became a caver: Weekends were my own social life revolved around a daily dose of Neighbours, and my muscles were supplemented with jelly and TV dinners.

Nowadays, all I have to look forward to are Wednesday afternoon trips to the Brecon Beacons, weekend excursions to the Mendip Hills, the Peak District, or the Yorkshire Dales, an annual summer expedition to the Austrian Alps, and the far-toooften-for-my-liking pub meets.

And the other people involved? What sort of oddballs would spend their free time away from the city, the crowds,

and the pollution? Some of these goons even go on what they call "exploration expeditions", to such unattractive destinations as Mexico, Borneo, and the Bahamas. Why, oh why, did I ever fall under their evil influence?

Anyway, I’m slowly coming to accept that I actually enjoy what I do. Sometimes I even think I may be obsessed.

However, it’s not all sunshine and roses in the caving game. In fact, some of us are genuinely worried about the future of caving in Britain.

More and more, we find ourselves struggling to hook people initially.

We like to point the finger at our more glamorous rivals in the adventure sports field, but the truth is that cavers have always shunned the limelight.

The prime example must be that, whilst every member of the public knows the name of the highest mountain in the world, I would bet a fair few pints that hardly anyone knows what the deepest cave in the world is.

While Everest is, was, and always will be the highest mountain (unless you’re a geologist), the nature of caving means records are changing constantly.

At the moment, the world’s deepest cave is in Russia, last year it was an Austrian cave, and before that the French claimed it.

Unfortunately, this lack of self-publicity has meant a drastic decline in the number of student cavers in recent years.

Universities have always been the breeding ground

for Britain’s caving elite and the decline of numbers in general can be traced directly to the shortage of beginners getting involved.

As part of a bid to address this issue, a number of University caving clubs, in conjunction with the National Caving Association, are planning a "Student Caving Forum" to be held in the Brecon Beacons over the weekend of the 30th November.

This will allow students from across the UK to discuss and hopefully deal with some of the more pressing issues we will have to deal with in the future, such as liability, risk assessments, and marketing.

Cardiff University Caving Club will be helping to host

Clambering about in dark, damp holes. Briliant. the event, and it promises to be an exciting weekend.

Caving is one of those activities that can be as difficult or as easy as you choose it to be, so don’t be put off by what you’ve heard.

The first round of introductory caving trips has

now been completed, but it’s a club that thrives on new blood, so if anyone feels they’d like to get involved then please do so. We meet every Thursday evening in the Mackintosh Pub at about 9pm, or check out the website at www.cf.ac.uk/suon/au/caving

“Garry Mabbutt’s finest moment? Queen’s Nose 1997. The boy can act”, page 26

Welsh U21’s

BUSA and IMG

We check on the next batch of Welsh youngsters for Sparky’s perusal

Two pages of University sport so you can boast that your name’s in print.

Sport gair rhydd

email grsport@hotmail.com

Monday 28th October / Free Word 729

The rise...

Report by Geraint Rowlands

PICTURE THE scene 12 months ago, September 2001.

The papers were universally slating the Welsh coach, Mark Hughes, for a run of poor results and horrendous performances. On October 16 2002, the table was turned on a monumental scale.

The mighty Italians were in town and Cardiff was a sea of emotion as Wales fans conjured up dreams of an ecstatic win against the former World Champions. In football terms this was David and Goliath with 72,000 sat there watching.

If you don’t know the result, I take it you’ve been living in a cave in Cardiff Bay to avoid paying rent, with no TV or radio to avoid those ghastly license fees, and have spent your entire time listening to Des O’Connor on an old vinyl your Gran gave you. If this does apply to you... it was WALES 2 - 1 ITALY. Can anyone believe it? I

don’t think William Hill can.

The Millennium Stadium was a perfect venue for an evening of immense passion which saw the minnows of Wales defeating the supposedly unstoppable Italians.

Following the game rumours abounded of Trappatoni being sacked and the Italian players, legendary for their good looks and sex appeal, were clearly unhappy with their performance. When asked if he liked it here in Wales, Del Piero simply replied, "Yes, very much, but I go home now".

The performances of the not so famous faces of Melville and Gabbidon at the back were key points of the Welsh victory. Robert Earnshaw was happy for his Cardiff comrade: "The squad has become a total unit, and the Premiership lads respect the lower league players as much as we respect them. Danny played really well tonight as did the whole team".

Continued on page 24

PHOTO: GR ARCHIVES

Savage shows skill, touch, and finesse. How?

...and fall of a national obsession Report by Daniel Evans THE CREAM of Welsh rugby have disappointed once again in Europe with the nation's five Heineken Cup contenders being whitewashed in a terrible weekend.

Having won four straight matches in the Celtic league, Cardiff entered the competition in free scoring form and confident mood. As in recent seasons however, the leap in quality proved too much for

The national side will suffer

David Young's side and after two matches they languish at the bottom of pool six.

In Ravenhill, Ireland they met former European champions Ulster. Cardiff's pack were outplayed and out-muscled as they struggled throughout to win quality possession for the backs. Although they defended bravely, Cardiff were on the back foot for much of the game, forced into giving penalties to the lethal boot of Ireland's David Humphries who finished with a total of 20 points.

The main concern is that Cardiff once again failed to score a single try in the 25-6 defeat. Against the lean defences of the European stage, the likes of Iestyn Harris, Jamie Robinson and Pieter Muller have failed to find the creativity and cutting edge required to penetrate the opposition.

The lack of fire power so far means that all of Cardiff's points have been kicked by ex-rugby league star Harris,

who seems to be finally settling in at number ten.

Equally disappointing was the opening tie against French side Biarritz at Cardiff Arms Park. The 'blue and blacks' have always been able to fall back on excellent home form but this time suffered only their second home defeat in 18 European Cup ties. The visitors dominated possession and a late try from the silverhaired Philippe Bernat-Salles put the game away at 26-15.

Meanwhile, the other clubs from South Wales are also struggling. Newport continued their abysmal start to the season, losing their eighth match in a row. Whether in the Celtic League or Europe, they simply cannot win.

Swansea are also pointless, having conceded 98 points in just two matches, whilst Neath were narrowly beaten in Beziers, leaving them with a solitary point.

The only Welsh team to notch up a victory so far is

Llanelli, who lie second in pool three in their bid to emulate the achievements of last season. A freakish last minute penalty from Leicester's Tim Stimpson knocked the Scarlets out at the semi-final stage a year ago.

Despite the national squad for the Autumn Internationals comprising largely of the players from these five clubs, Wales coach Steve Hansen remained upbeat.

He described the bad form of Wales' top clubs this season as “not a worry”.

“It would be nice to see the teams getting rewards as it would build their confidence, but the overall form is certainly better than last year”, he added.

Wales face confidence builders against Canada, Romania and Fiji before taking on the mighty All Blacks in what will be an electric atmosphere at the Millennium Stadium.

Cardiff desperately need to start winning

GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT WESTCOUNTRY PUBLICATIONS, PLYMOUTH ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ THE BLUE BAR IS SUSPENDED THIS WEEK IN PROTEST OF HOW MUCH WORK THE EDITORIAL TEAM DID ON THURSDAY. SPORT WISHES TO THANK NICK, ALEX, CHARLIE AND GEMMA.

gairrhydd, Monday 28 2002

passing

Comment ● 07

COMMENT

LIFE IN THE STEAM AGE/A SPOILT VICTORIAN CHILD/HORSE PORN/BUT WHERE’S MY PARADE?/IT’S ALL GRAVY - NO, REALLY/CHOIR NEWS/PART MAN, PART BEAST, ALL ROCK/HOT COPS By DC Gates Here we are again. Another day, another headache. What makes the combined pains of my head-cold and my hangover worse is the fact that sitting here at the computer terminal prevents me from the glories of the outside world.

Here I am, slowly typing away in my specially constructed cage like a sucker, while Mother Nature in all her bounty waits tantalisingly just outside the window. And as I turn my woolly head towards the window I can see a group of youths engaged in a variety of sports, such as tumbling, catch-as-catch-can, Cumberland wrestling, buggery and backgammon. Ah! What sweet, innocent joys! A tear rolls down my cheek (happily provided by my assistant, as my tear glands were sold to pay off a gaming debt), as I muse on my self-imposed separation from polite and decent society in order to write prose for Our Great Leader (long may she edit!) Another falls as it becomes clear that some space has been filled by merely utilising the ancient art of waffling. Huzzah!

Interesting to note that ever since the demise of Melody Maker the NME has abandoned any pretence of being anything other than a rampant orgy of self-congratulation, bad journalism, careerism and bias. A bit like Gair Rhydd, then, but we’re allowed to get away with it because we don’t get paid.

That’s what separates ‘Cardiff ’s Student Weekly’ from a bunch of coked-up windowlickers hell-bent on fellating The Man. Musically, Cardiff is much more interesting than London - just check out copies of GriP, or even Buzz for details of great local music. In addition, why not check out the following new talent. From the raging hardcore and metal of The Nuns, Meat, and Bat Fastard, the electro of Thee Apes of God, the garage excellence of Skelatin Kru, to the hiphop of Globe Street Rollers, MC Oxmaster, Sausage & Mash, and the enigmatic one-man fireball that is Sardonicus, there’s something for everyone. Keep your eyes, ears and throats open, readers.

Readers of the New Musical Express will have noticed that their 2002 Student Guide has no mention of Cardiff, or any of Wales for that matter. The reasons for this mysterious absence will be illuminated by an inspection of the NME’s Term Warfare tour, which, strangely enough, doesn’t call at Cardiff.

The rain falls on beast and man alike, but in Cardiff it just FALLS. I must apologise, my otters, to those of you who have been tricked by the sunny weather that until last week graced the skies. This was in fact a sinister plot, involving all of South Wales, to give the impression that the Sun actually shines in Cardiff. This

is, of course, a fallacy. The Sun last shone in Cardiff in 1989, in order to celebrate the centenary of Clarke’s pies.

Every appearance of sunshine since then has been a mass projection of a tape recording of that notable event, maintained at the height of technological progress. The so-called ‘heat’ felt on these ‘sunny’ days is actually produced by the scores of rats beneath the city, whose phosphorus-rich diet and erratic scurrying cause them to reach remarkably high temperatures. Such is the all-pervading power of this illusion that very few will actually admit to knowing the true facts - the regularity of this charade has had a psychosomatic effect on the Cardiff populace, who have deceived themselves into believing their own subterfuge.

As it was such a bucketful of tripe, I don’t intend to waste much time on Great Britons: The Top 100. It will suffice to remark that this was the most blatant example of block voting that I have seen in a long while. How else did Enoch Powell get a look in, and Michael Crawford climb to number seventeen?

Michael Crawford - great? A man who has done two things of note (more like noteriety), these being Phantom of the Opera and the truly God-awful Some Mothers Do Have ‘Em. This latter television ‘programme’ was possibly the

nadir of British comedy, even without the presence of Adam ‘Kiss of Death’ Faith, and anyone who actually enjoyed it deserves a quick and painless fate - at the hands of a baying mob of angry drugfuelled butchers. Likewise, Enoch Powell failed to accomplish a single great deed in his life, and is only of note for having become a poster-boy for muderous subTory gimps with IQs smaller than their shoe size. Okay, there was a small quotient of legends in the list (which I am recalling from my drink-addled memory), but they were greatly outweighed by tyrants, dullards, backbiters and the wealthy. The notion that money is NOT a virtue continues to evade much of the common trends in British culture, especially those involved in the making of schedule-filling shouting-fodder at the public’s expense.

No doubt Ringo Starr has fired his PR staff, as public voting (or the lack therof) keeps him waiting outside the Hall of Fame whilst John, Paul and George walk straight in. Still, at least Aleister Crowley and Douglas Bader made the guest list.

As you can see, I did waste time on the aforementioned television programme. You see, I could have ranted on like that for a few more hundred words, like a proper pundit would do.

However, in keeping with the montage of struggling amateurism that charactersies

this page, it’s probably best if we continue on a completely unrelated topic.

I was going to write something on the War on Terror, but as I gather that someone else is doing just that, I’ll settle for reminding you of the meeting tonight in the Law building (Room 0:22, at seven), and the day of action on the 31st (at Nye Bevan’s statue, six). Get yourselves clued up. Unfortunately, now I can’t think of an unrelated topic, leaving me in the usual slough of despond and meandering; in other words, this column is in much the same state as it was in the beginning. And to think I do this stuff in my spare time...

Sadly, once more the ways of you and I must part. And thank the Lord for that.

You see, punditry is the lowest form of journalism, and this column is no exception. As the days get shorter, wetter and colder so my mind is concentrated and honed. With any luck this should lead to an improvement in this drivel that you see before you. The problem is, and this applies in many ways to modern society, that actually working up a state of anger, let alone expressing it in an acceptable form, is far too much effort these days - even football hooligans fight out of a sense of duty and routine. You need friction to raise a decent rage. But as long as things get worse in my life, this column will improve. Yo!

gairrhydd, Monday 28 2002

passing

Comment ● 07

COMMENT

LIFE IN THE STEAM AGE/A SPOILT VICTORIAN CHILD/HORSE PORN/BUT WHERE’S MY PARADE?/IT’S ALL GRAVY - NO, REALLY/CHOIR NEWS/PART MAN, PART BEAST, ALL ROCK/HOT COPS By DC Gates Here we are again. Another day, another headache. What makes the combined pains of my head-cold and my hangover worse is the fact that sitting here at the computer terminal prevents me from the glories of the outside world.

Here I am, slowly typing away in my specially constructed cage like a sucker, while Mother Nature in all her bounty waits tantalisingly just outside the window. And as I turn my woolly head towards the window I can see a group of youths engaged in a variety of sports, such as tumbling, catch-as-catch-can, Cumberland wrestling, buggery and backgammon. Ah! What sweet, innocent joys! A tear rolls down my cheek (happily provided by my assistant, as my tear glands were sold to pay off a gaming debt), as I muse on my self-imposed separation from polite and decent society in order to write prose for Our Great Leader (long may she edit!) Another falls as it becomes clear that some space has been filled by merely utilising the ancient art of waffling. Huzzah!

Interesting to note that ever since the demise of Melody Maker the NME has abandoned any pretence of being anything other than a rampant orgy of self-congratulation, bad journalism, careerism and bias. A bit like Gair Rhydd, then, but we’re allowed to get away with it because we don’t get paid.

That’s what separates ‘Cardiff ’s Student Weekly’ from a bunch of coked-up windowlickers hell-bent on fellating The Man. Musically, Cardiff is much more interesting than London - just check out copies of GriP, or even Buzz for details of great local music. In addition, why not check out the following new talent. From the raging hardcore and metal of The Nuns, Meat, and Bat Fastard, the electro of Thee Apes of God, the garage excellence of Skelatin Kru, to the hiphop of Globe Street Rollers, MC Oxmaster, Sausage & Mash, and the enigmatic one-man fireball that is Sardonicus, there’s something for everyone. Keep your eyes, ears and throats open, readers.

Readers of the New Musical Express will have noticed that their 2002 Student Guide has no mention of Cardiff, or any of Wales for that matter. The reasons for this mysterious absence will be illuminated by an inspection of the NME’s Term Warfare tour, which, strangely enough, doesn’t call at Cardiff.

The rain falls on beast and man alike, but in Cardiff it just FALLS. I must apologise, my otters, to those of you who have been tricked by the sunny weather that until last week graced the skies. This was in fact a sinister plot, involving all of South Wales, to give the impression that the Sun actually shines in Cardiff. This

is, of course, a fallacy. The Sun last shone in Cardiff in 1989, in order to celebrate the centenary of Clarke’s pies.

Every appearance of sunshine since then has been a mass projection of a tape recording of that notable event, maintained at the height of technological progress. The so-called ‘heat’ felt on these ‘sunny’ days is actually produced by the scores of rats beneath the city, whose phosphorus-rich diet and erratic scurrying cause them to reach remarkably high temperatures. Such is the all-pervading power of this illusion that very few will actually admit to knowing the true facts - the regularity of this charade has had a psychosomatic effect on the Cardiff populace, who have deceived themselves into believing their own subterfuge.

As it was such a bucketful of tripe, I don’t intend to waste much time on Great Britons: The Top 100. It will suffice to remark that this was the most blatant example of block voting that I have seen in a long while. How else did Enoch Powell get a look in, and Michael Crawford climb to number seventeen?

Michael Crawford - great? A man who has done two things of note (more like noteriety), these being Phantom of the Opera and the truly God-awful Some Mothers Do Have ‘Em. This latter television ‘programme’ was possibly the

nadir of British comedy, even without the presence of Adam ‘Kiss of Death’ Faith, and anyone who actually enjoyed it deserves a quick and painless fate - at the hands of a baying mob of angry drugfuelled butchers. Likewise, Enoch Powell failed to accomplish a single great deed in his life, and is only of note for having become a poster-boy for muderous subTory gimps with IQs smaller than their shoe size. Okay, there was a small quotient of legends in the list (which I am recalling from my drink-addled memory), but they were greatly outweighed by tyrants, dullards, backbiters and the wealthy. The notion that money is NOT a virtue continues to evade much of the common trends in British culture, especially those involved in the making of schedule-filling shouting-fodder at the public’s expense.

No doubt Ringo Starr has fired his PR staff, as public voting (or the lack therof) keeps him waiting outside the Hall of Fame whilst John, Paul and George walk straight in. Still, at least Aleister Crowley and Douglas Bader made the guest list.

As you can see, I did waste time on the aforementioned television programme. You see, I could have ranted on like that for a few more hundred words, like a proper pundit would do.

However, in keeping with the montage of struggling amateurism that charactersies

this page, it’s probably best if we continue on a completely unrelated topic.

I was going to write something on the War on Terror, but as I gather that someone else is doing just that, I’ll settle for reminding you of the meeting tonight in the Law building (Room 0:22, at seven), and the day of action on the 31st (at Nye Bevan’s statue, six). Get yourselves clued up. Unfortunately, now I can’t think of an unrelated topic, leaving me in the usual slough of despond and meandering; in other words, this column is in much the same state as it was in the beginning. And to think I do this stuff in my spare time...

Sadly, once more the ways of you and I must part. And thank the Lord for that.

You see, punditry is the lowest form of journalism, and this column is no exception. As the days get shorter, wetter and colder so my mind is concentrated and honed. With any luck this should lead to an improvement in this drivel that you see before you. The problem is, and this applies in many ways to modern society, that actually working up a state of anger, let alone expressing it in an acceptable form, is far too much effort these days - even football hooligans fight out of a sense of duty and routine. You need friction to raise a decent rage. But as long as things get worse in my life, this column will improve. Yo!

25

GRiP

Sunday 3 November BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 TV Mail 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 1.00 'Allo 'Allo!

1.25 EastEnders 3.10 The Teaching Awards 2002 4.00 My Family 4.30 Points of View 4.45 BBC News; Weather 5.05 Regional News and Weather 5.10 Songs of Praise 5.45 Guy Fawkes and the Gunpowder Plot 6.15 Antiques Roadshow 7.00 Sahara with Michael Palin: Dire Straits 8.00 Monarch of the Glen 9.00 Waking the Dead 10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 Panorama 10.55 FILM: Jade 12.30 FILM: Tall, Dark and Deadly Starring John Leslie 1.55 Joins BBC News 24 If TV Steve was bitchin’ rock star (use you imagination, children) his rider would be: An ounce of ‘coochie’, two packets of king sized red Rizlas, John Leslie’s little black book, a bottle of JD, a packet of Somerfield Chocolate Chip Cookies, and millions and millions of packets of Bacon Frazzles.

7.00 CBBC: Arthur 7.15 Yvon of the Yukon 7.35 Looney Tunes 8.05 The Wild Thornberrys 8.30 Smile 11.15 Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman 12.00 Sunday Garden 1.00 Rough Science 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 Boxing 2.15 Darts 5.15 Scrum V 6.00 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 6.30 Shark Wreck 6.40 Big Cat Diary 7.10 Natural World: The Crossing 8.00 Top Gear 9.00 True Spies 10.00 Band of Brothers Featuring god-like comedy don Simon Pegg in a small, but classy, cameo.

11.00 Correspondent: Mafia Women 11.45 The X Files 12.30 Later with Jools Holland 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Special Education: Landmarks: Caribbean/Hands Up!/Moving to English 4.00 Languages: Buongiorno Italia! 1-2/Bon Mot 5.00 Working in Construction: Customer Care and Communication Skills If TV Amy was a rock n roll bitch, however, her rider would be: 5 bare-buttocked male models baring platters of smoked salmon, Courtney Love as my personal make-up artist......

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.25 Merlin the Magical Puppy 10.40 Upstairs Downstairs Bears 10.55 Maisy 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 That's Esther 12.30 Soccer Sunday 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 1.55 HTV News and Weather 2.00 Waterfront 2.45 Grand Gardens 3.15 FILM: Casper: A Spirited Beginning 5.00 Wick's Weekend 5.30 HTV News and Weather 5.45 Grass Roots 6.15 ITV News; Weather 6.30 Cruise Ship 7.00 New You've Been Framed!

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Foyle's War 11.05 ITV Weekend News 11.20 The Premiership 12.05 Ultimate Questions 12.50 The Web Review 1.15 Brother's Keeper 1.40 Today with Des and Mel 2.30 My Favourite Hymns 3.25 World Sport 3.50 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News ......a reanimated Richey Manic just for shits ‘n’ giggles, a case of Southern Comfort, John Leslie’s head on a plate, 18 300g bags of Doritos, and last but not least, James Marsters chained up and naked. That’s rock and roll, baby.

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Airport: Maria and Shaker 9.00 Waking the Dead 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Phil Collins: A Life Less Ordinary 11.35 First Degree 12.05 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 12.35 FILM: When Innocence Is Lost 2.10 Human Instinct 3.10 Watchdog 3.40 See Hear on Saturday 4.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Academy of Waste? 6.30 News Stories 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies 1.15 FILM: All in a Night's Work 2.45 Yes, Minister 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Showtime Wales 8.30 University Challenge 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Coupling The British Friends gets funnier and funnier. Jeff the Mad Welshman is the best comedy character since Blackadder.

10.00 The Office It’s still on and it’s still absobloody-lutely fucking marvellous.

Never mind Ricky Gervais, Martin Freeman rocks as the terminally pissed-off Tim. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 In the Picture 12.00 To Be Announced 12.10 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

V Graham Norton S4C 10.35pm

S4C

C5

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 The Magic Roundabout 7.05 Grabbit the Rabbit 7.15 Totally Spies! 7.40 Taina 8.10 Dawson's Creek 9.05 Hollyoaks Omnibus 11.05 Enterprise 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Brookside Omnibus 3.25 Maniffesto 4.25 Xtra Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion News.

5.35 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Darlun Byw 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 9.00 Treflan 10.10 Newyddion 10.25 FILM: South Park: The Movie “Welcome to world where kids swear like TV Desk with a stubbed toe, fart jokes abound and Saddam Hussein is fucking Satan up the arse. Gasp! It could be real! Ban this sick filth!” - Daily Mail Desk.

Overly long, and not as funny as it thinks it is.

12.00 The Showbiz Set 1.00 World Rally: Australia 1.30 Hello Saddam 2.00 Artangel: The Battle of Orgreave 3.15 Brazilian Championship Football

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 Passion for the Wild 6.30 It's Your Funeral 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Babar 9.30 Redwall 10.00 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 Revelations 12.00 Rooted 12.30 five news update 12.40 Moto GP: Valencia 2.30 FILM: McMillan and Wife - Freefall to Terror 3.50 five news 3.55 Inside Bjork... is a teeny tiny pixie. Wibble.

5.00 Britain's Worst Driver 5.30 International King of Sports 6.00 FILM: Mighty Joe Young 8.00 Science of Shark Attacks 9.00 Plastic Surgery Ruined My Life Simon Weston features.

10.55 99 Things to Do before 11.30 Vicious Circle Victor Lewis-Smith presents a panelbased TV review show.

12.30 The Challenge: Challenge Tour Golf 12.50 NFL Live: New York Giants v Jacksonville Jaguars 5.10 European Seniors Golf

ITV 1

S4C

C5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Celebrity Fit Club 2.30 Bric a Brac 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Fingertips 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Nuts and Bolts 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Stan the Man 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Real Life: Desperate to Be Slim 11.30 Champions League Weekly 12.05 Nationwide Football League Extra 12.45 When Good Pets Go Bad 2 This week, Geri Halliwell’s dog discusses his heroin addiction.

1.35 Today with Des and Mel 2.25 The New Addams Family 2.50 The Web Review 3.15 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.40 Entertainment Now! 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Happy Days 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Don Roaming 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Sionyn 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Demolition Detectives 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Wali Wags 4.15 Planed Plant: Mali O 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Taro Naw 8.30 Yr Ocsiwniar 9.00 Welsh in a Week 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Faking It 12.40 Dark Roots: The Anna Nicole Smith Story Saw this on Channel 4 last week.

Jeeeeebus, if you came from a family of toothless hicks like hers, you’d fuck a geriatric to escape as well. It’s hardly surprising she’s mad as a cauliflower, to be honest.

1.40 The Sopranos 2.40 Prison Works: The Death of Zahid Mubarek 4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Naomi Meets Barney 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Voyage of Terror 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Road Rages: Parking Mad 8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: The Abyss 11.45 House of Astonishment 12.15 NFL Update 12.55 US PGA Golf 1.45 European Seniors Golf 2.35 NASCAR 3.25 V8 Supercars 4.15 Thoroughbred Grand Prix 5.05 A Great Fight Out: A Night of Championship Boxing This week, TV Desk hates: TV Steve’s predictions about the Wales v Italy match, the Manic Street Preachers remix album (you can’t improve on perfection), Atomic Kitten (they deserve timeless hatred) and, obviously, Kelly Jones.

Monday 4 November

Te evision

BBC 1

FILM: South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut S4C 10.25pm