gair rhydd - Issue 731

In Sport: hurdler Matt Elias talks exclusively to gair rhydd Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

Monday 25th November / Free Word 731

Inside GRiP: Film treat us to a 007 special

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“It’s not Sport Science”

Police urge student safety after fatal road smash wandering into the road.

That accident resulted in CARDIFF POLICE are the pedestrian’s death.

As a result of these urging students to be safe on the city’s roads, accidents Cardiff Police and following two serious Cardiff County Council are accidents on North Road joining forces in a safety campaign, aimed at near Talybont.

In the latest incident a encouraging students to be Cardiff University student was safe on Cardiff’s roads.

PC Bob Keohane, the seriously injured after an accident involving a taxi near Students’ Union Community to the junction between North Police officer, said, “Both of these accidents Road and Colum Road.

According to eyewitness occurred because the people accounts it was the student in question were walking in who caused the accident in the road, nowhere near the the early hours Saturday night crossings.

“I implore students walking by stepping out into the road home after a night out to use without checking the traffic.

The taxi was travelling well any crossings that are under the speed limit as it had available in the area.

“If you need to cross a road only just pulled away from where there isn’t a crossing, at the traffic lights.

The student is now said to least make sure you do so near to a street light as it will be critically ill in hospital.

This incident follows a help drivers to see you.

“If you’re walking in a large similar event less than a month previously, where a group, and some of the young pedestrian was members of the group are knocked down after drunk, then please look out for your friends.

“If you can stop your friends falling into the road or walking in the road, then you may be saving their life”.

The new safety initiative will involve a major review and redesign of the street lighting on North Road, as well as displaying messages on the electronic road safety sign at the bottom of the CARDIFF UNION COMMUNITY flyover, warning drivers that OFFICER BOB KEOHANE North Road is an area with a

Mark Cobley reports

“Both of these accidents were caused by people walking in the road.”

lot of pedestrians.

Mobile speed camera teams will also be targeting the area in the run-up to Christmas.

The police have stressed drivers that the aim of these camera teams is not to catch and fine people, but to slow drivers down.

The placement of the cameras will be publicised in the local press.

The Council was also very anxious to impress upon students the importance of road safety.

A spokesman for the Council’s Road Safety Unit said, “People should stick to pavements, use crossings, and never walk in the road common sense advice.

“If at all possible, when walking at night it is a good idea to wear bright, or ideally reflective, clothing.

“If students need to, they can contact us at the Road Safety Unit where we sell lowcost reflective bibs and armbands.

“We also have a low-cost cycle helmet scheme, amongst other road safety initiatives, so if any students are interested they can call us on 029 2061 9907”.

PC Keohane also appealed to any witnesses of the accident on Saturday who have not yet contacted police to do so as soon as possible, by calling him on 02920 527268.

North Road, the scene of the accidents, used as a route home by many students

PHOTO: TOM VAUGHAN

Darius lights up Cardiff Anna Hodgekiss reports CARDIFF’S CITY centre came alive last Thursday with glitz and sparkle as the Christmas lights were switched on.

The event was combined with the start of the Great Britain Network Q Rally, with cars lining the centre of the street in preparation for the start of the final leg of the World Rally championship.

St. Mary Street was buzzing with excited locals of all ages, and the appearance by Pop Idol Darius undoubtedly contributed to the crowds.

The chart topping entertainer performed three songs including his number one hit Colourblind.

Shortly after this Santa magically parachuted into the crowd and towards the stage.

However the atmosphere

soon turned to one of anticlimax when most of the lights failed to illuminate following the countdown.

They were eventually switched on ten minutes later.

Cardiff students had mixed reactions to the event.

Shirley Davidson said, “I wasn’t impressed with Darius at all, he was obviously miming. The Rally cars were more interesting than him”.

Others felt differently though, with Bernice Twiss saying, “the crowd was really

buzzing, Darius was brilliant and everyone was singing along.

“It was annoying that the lights didn’t go on after the big build up though”.

Councillor Marion Drake said, “the lights and Rally are just the start of seasonal celebrations in the city”.

The forthcoming weeks will see the City Hall lawn being transformed into a ‘winter wonderland’, including the unique open air ice rink that Cardiff saw last year.

EX CARDIFF STUDENT HUW EDWARDS TALKS TO NEWS ABOUT NEWS, P.4 News p.1–6

● Letters Special p.10 & 11 Features p.16 Comment p.9 ● Sport p.24 ● GRiP p.15

●

News

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IN BRIEF Xpress

Radio cleans up Graduate Global Village job slump at student radio awards back in Cardiff THE ANNUAL Global Village event is to take place on Sunday December 1 in the Great Hall.

The international event celebrates the cultures of different countries and promises to be an exciting and vibrant evening which will include performances, stalls, food and drink.

Students from every country are being encouraged to attend and British organisers have plans for a James Bond theme.

Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer Emma Bebington, said “Even if people haven’t been involved in organising a stall or performance they can come along in national costume and join in the fun.”

Tickets are £4.50 and are on sale in the box office now.

Too late for graduate jobs RESEARCH BY the Graduate Group has found that more and more companies are introducing application deadlines for their graduate recruitment programmes.

These deadlines are getting earlier and earlier. By Christmas day it will be too late to apply to over two-thirds of the companies in the Graduate’s City and Finance handbook.

Final year students are warned to be aware of early closing dates for applications.

Meningitis update A CARDIFF STUDENT admitted to hospital with a Group B meningococcal disease has recovered well.

No other cases have been reported but students should remain vigilant.

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

Claire Woods reports

Laura Bradbeer reports CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S Xpress Radio had a successful night at last weeks Radio One National Student Radio Awards, picking up more gongs than any other station in the country.

Out of the record breaking ten nominations, Xpress Radio received a grand total of 7 awards. Gold awards went to Matt Willis and the ‘Priority’ team for Best Show and Vicki Blight for Best Female Presenter with Jodie Campbell getting runner up in the same category.

Other silvers were presented to Suzanne Carter for Best Newcomer, and Best Show to former station manager, Emma Gait-Carr, for ‘Early Evening with Emma GC’.

Xpress Radio also scooped a silver for the much sought after Best Station award, The Xpress Radio team reigned supreme at the London pipped to the post by the station manager, said, “Once DJ Emma B with appearUniversity of Surrey’s GU2.

Finally, a bronze award again Xpress Radio have ances from the likes of Tim was given to Ben Clifton for proved themselves to be a Westwood and Steve Lamacq.

Best Male Presenter. The gold leader in the field of student Over 400 students attended along with 100 of the radio winners are given a work media”.

The ceremony, held at industry’s leading figures, experience placement at Goldsmith’s College, London, some of which made up the Radio One. Hiten Vaghmaria, Xpress was presented by Radio One judging panel.

Union search for new exec officers Josephine Beckett reports IN THE wake of James Knight’s forced resignation last week as Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Officer, the Union is arranging a date to fill his position.

The upcoming by-election will also be to replace the non-sabbatical officer for Mature students.

All university students will have the chance to vote in most university departments, in the Union and at both Talybont and University Hall between five and seven pm.

Students only need to bring their ID card.

Students should look out for further information and the set date around the Union building.

Laura Welsh, the Societies and Union Secretary, said, ‘There has been a real lack of mature student representatives - especially since the disqualification of one candidate who was found not to be a student and more recently the illness of another nominee. It is vital that Mature students find a voice”.

It is especially important for an officer from Cardiff to attend the national conference in January to voice the concerns of Mature Students on issues such as finance and childcare.

No applications have yet been received for the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Officer.

The Union feels it is imperative that the many LGB students at Cardiff University find a voice.

Laura Welsh said, “The Executive Officer has a real say in the everyday running of the Union.”

She says the officer could provide huge benefits for the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual community.

Anyone interested in representing Cardiff’s Mature or LGB students should contact Laura Welsh in her office on the third floor of the Student Union, or email welshl@cf.ac.uk

Old-fashioned voting

awards ceremony Hiten Vaghmaria added, “We are extremely pleased with this. I would like to thank everybody at the Xpress Radio team who have ensured that we remain a huge asset to the university and to the city of Cardiff”.

GRADUATE UNEMPLOYMENT has risen from last year by 6.3 per cent and a third of graduates are in employment which does not require a degree.

This is an increase of 1 per cent from the previous year, the recent ‘What Do Graduates Do?’ report revealed.

Mike Hill, chief executive of the Careers Services Unit (CSU) said, ‘We predicted last year that graduate unemployment had levelled out and was not likely to dip any lower’.

The major decline of employment has been in the IT industry, which had previously enjoyed significant growth. Employment in this sector fell by 7.3 per cent.

Other areas effected were finance, engineering and management consultancy.

London and the south-east regions were hardest hit.

Information Technology graduate Alistair Woods is struggling to find employment within his chosen field of study. He is employed in agency work, and says, ‘I need to pay rent, bills and to run a car’.

Julie Hepburn, of Cardiff University Careers Service suggested that students become more aware of the other skills employers are looking for.

News

November 25 2002

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VC and Minister unite against fees Dominic O’Neill reports CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S Vice Chancellor has told the University’s governing Council that he is not in favour of charging students top-up fees.

Speaking to the Council last week, Dr Grant said the introduction of higher fees for students studying at the best universities would be divisive for education in Britain.

He stressed that additional funding was needed to ensure the UK’s best universities can compete internationally, but said, “My personal opinion is that top-up fees for students is not the answer.”

Other council members also gave their formal support to this position.

This could mean students at Cardiff end up paying less for their education, as officials at other universities in the “Russell Group” of leading British Universities have been less critical of top-up fees.

Universities are currently not allowed to charge students extra fees, and the government pledged to prevent their introduction in its 2001 election manifesto.

But some members of the Cabinet have indicated that top-up fees may have to become a reality, despite

growing dissent from backbenchers and other Cabinet members.

Higher Education Minister Margaret Hodge said earlier this month that it was not fair that “the dustman should continue to subsidise the doctor”.

Tony Blair has also refused to rule out top-up fees, but International Development Secretary Clare Short said last week that top-up fees were a “really bad idea”.

At the Welsh Assembly, Education Minister Jane Davidson has also condemned top-up fees.

She said, “Up-front student fees have not just put off those who would have to pay them, it has put off those who didn’t have to pay them in larger numbers.

“I have already said that I do not believe we should have fees in advance of receiving an education at HE level, because we want to be providing incentives and this is certainly a disincentive.

“I do not see it benefitting our sector in Wales when one of our biggest agendas is about widening participation”.

Jenny Randerson, the local Liberal Democrat AM for Cardiff Central, has also recently signed the Union’s petition against top-up fees.

Student makes moves to the top Peter Bramwell reports AT THE age of 25, Leighton Williams, a second-year chemistry student at the University has become an International Chess Master.

Cardiff’s very own Gary Kasparov won the title after playing 13 gruelling games at the world’s 35th Chess Olympiad in Bled, Slovenia.

Between October 25 and November 13 he faced some of the World’s toughest opposition, and was awarded the crown for his outstanding performances.

In an ecstatic mood, he told the gair rhydd, “There are only about 600 Chess Masters in the whole world so this is an amazing achievement for me.

“I won a Gold medal at the Cardiff University’s very own 1994 Chess Olympics in Moscow for individual per- formance, but becoming a Master definitely tops that.’

Competing against chess players from some 140 countries, Leighton, (or the ‘maestro’ as he is known to his friends) was one of 10 people representing Wales at the international tournament.

He began playing chess at the age of 12 and started comCHESS MASTER LEIGHTON WILLIAMS peting in local junior compe-

“This is an amazing achievement for me.”

International Chess Master, Leighton Williams titions in Mountain Ash the following year.

Chess came to dominate his life and at the age of 16 he left school to pursue a professional career.

However, after it didn’t work out to plan he looks back at this period with no regrets: “I’ve come to prefer chess as a hobby. Playing chess day

after day becomes tedious, and once I stopped playing I decided to go back to college and get my A-levels”.

At the age of 22 he went to Pontypridd College of Further education to do A-Levels in Maths, Chemistry and Economics.

He started his Chemistry degree course at Cardiff in 2001.

NUS website goes under Charlotte Church Anna Hodgekiss reports THE NUS was thrown into disarray this week following the collapse of ITM Activate, the company providing web hosting for NUS and a host of student unions throughout the country.

From a student perspective, the company will be most associated with the new NUS swipe card, promising e-wallets and increased discounts.

Only weeks ago, gair rhydd reported how its introduction was fraught with complaints and criticism as stores will no longer accept the old style discount card - and insist on

the new, electronic version.

ITM went into voluntary administration on November 1, yet it is hoped that the future of the business can be secured by sale to a third party.

The company’s predicament could be disastrous for the NUS and student unions, with the potential to mirror what the collapse of ITV Digital meant to football league clubs.

Unions with their websites hosted by ITM would have budgeted for a substantial income this year which now may not arrive.

This new financial blow to the NUS will be sharply felt in

addition to the £300,000 of cuts planned last summer.

The NUS have pledged to ensure student unions get their money but this may not be a simple process.

Dan Ashley, NUS Press Officer, assured student unions that students with existing cards or pending applications would not be affected and the new card would continue to be used.

He explained to gair rhydd that NUS is dedicated to pursuing and finding the best deal.

Mr Ashley said, “Students’ Unions’ funding will not be affected, as necessary criteria would have to be met by

whoever bought ITM. “This includes meeting all monies owed, delivering electronic NUS cards and maintaining the very popular NUS website”.

Mr Ashley was optimistic about the company’s prospects: “This has given us an opportunity to explore a better deal than the one before, assess what members are after and keep them happy”.

While he did not anticipate how long a new deal would take, the NUS has been approached by potential buyers, making Mr Ashley confident it will be sooner rather than later.

The Endsleigh is nigh?

Robbie Lane reports A RECENT amendment to the Halls of Residence insurance policy means that students are no longer covered against “terrorism, civil war, acts of foreign enemy, rebellion, revolution, insurrection, coups, riots or civil commotion”.

So do Endsleigh Insurance, the company that insures students across Cardiff, know something we don’t?

When questioned by gair rhydd, about whether this meant Endsleigh considered there a was a risk of a group in Talybont plotting revolution, students in Senghennydd Court sponsoring armed insurrections, or even just a bit of civil commotion in the city, a representative for the student insurance company replied with a flat “No”.

“If I thought there was, I wouldn’t be sitting in this office,” he continued.

So why has the policy been changed?

“Basically, since the events of September 11, this policy has been introduced as standard.

“We talk to the NUS about what policies students need and which they don’t, in an effort to ensure the premiums students have to pay stay down”.

So it appears there is no conspiracy after all, and students can continue to rest Students not insured safely in their beds. against this man’s antics

sacks her mother John Collingridge reports

the advice of my parents as I always have. As mother and daughter, our bond is stronger than ever.

“Although my parents have always been my most trusted advisors they have never acted as my official managers.

My mother still remains very involved in my career but obviously on a different level due to my growing independence and own experience.”

SIXTEEN YEAR old multimillionaire Charlotte Church has sacked her mother as her manager in a dramatic twist of events.

Church is reputed to be worth £15 million having been in the international music scene for four years.

Her career move follows months of family arguments over her increasingly prominent relationship with 18-year old DJ Steven Johnson.

Reports have also followed that Church has left her family home to move into Johnson’s terraced house in the old docks area of Cardiff.

A spokesman for Charlotte Church Ltd refused to comment on the developments, but a family friend said: “Charlotte’s always been strong-willed.

She doesn’t want her mother controlling her career.

“She would prefer that any career decisions were taken between herself and Sony and not her mother”.

Charlotte herself spoke out about the management problems in a recent interview: “I continue to seek Charlotte Church

Interview

November 25 2002

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The Ten O’Clock Huw’s As he prepares to take over as the new presenter of the Ten O’Clock News, Cardiff graduate Huw Edwards tells Dominic O’Neill how he bagged the top job at BBC News IN THE ultra-competitive world of BBC journalism, Huw Edwards has risen through the ranks so quickly that at 41 there is hardly anywhere else for him to go.

As the ‘face’ of the Six O’Clock News since 1999, in the New Year he is to take on a new job fronting the BBC’s pre-eminent Ten O’Clock News.

And all this from someone who says he "stumbled" into the BBC only a few months after finishing a four year stint as a student at Cardiff.

"It is quite terrifying for me," he told gair rhydd, "The Ten O’Clock News is the BBC’s flagship news programme.

“It’s the bulletin of record.

I will be presenting it from

Monday to Thursday nights every week.

"That puts a lot of weight on my shoulders".

After leaving Cardiff with a Masters in Medieval French in 1983, the father of four says he would never even have considered applying for the BBC if he had known what he was up against.

"I had done a bit of unpaid reporting and news reading during the holidays after I was asked by a friend of mine to help out at Swansea Sound – my local station back home.

I was at a loose end at the time, so I caught the journalism bug.

"I tried to get on the Broadcast Journalism Diploma course at Cardiff", he continued.

"I didn’t get on. So I

“The main thing is to make the bulletin as approachable as possible for everyone.”

HUW EDWARDS ON THE DRIVE TO HALT DECLINING NEWS AUDIENCES

applied to the BBC’s news trainee scheme instead.

“If I hadn’t got onto the news trainee scheme I would probably be lecturing at Cardiff. That is what I had wanted to do.

"If I had known at the time that there were 2000 applicants for six places I wouldn’t have bothered applying.

“After I had got on the scheme certain people were slightly annoyed that I had stumbled my way into it!"

Once he was in the profession, the BBC quickly promoted Huw’s career.

From his first job at BBC Cymru in Cardiff (he is a Welsh speaker), he was soon promoted to the role of parliamentary reporter for BBC Wales.

But his second big break came when he was transferred to London to become permanently based as the BBC’s youngest ever political correspondent. He was 26.

"I spent 14 years reporting politics at Westminster before I started the Six O’Clock News job and most of my journalistic highlights have been as a political correspon-

dent, " he said.

"I covered Margaret Thatcher’s resignation in 1991 and presented Radio Four’s General Election coverage in 1992. That was very exciting, and I was only 30 at the time".

After becoming the BBC Chief Political Correspondent, he says that being asked to present the Six O’Clock News came as quite a surprise.

"I had never presented television news before," he said.

"But you don’t get much of a say in these matters!"

The main job at the Ten O’Clock News came available after both Michael Buerk and Peter Sissons announced their decisions to leave the programme earlier this year.

Many have speculated that the BBC’s reshuffle – which includes new jobs at the Six O’Clock News for Sophie Raworth and George Alagiah – heralds a new push to attract a younger, more multicultural audience.

Huw Edwards is almost 20 years younger than Peter Sissons (60) and Michael Buerk (56), but he says the new moves are not just about

Huw made his name as a political correspondent targeting the under 35s.

"The main thing is to make the bulletin as approachable as possible to everyone," he said.

"Over the past 20 years news audiences have declined across all age ranges

and across all channels and all media outputs.

“The reasons for this are various, but not insurmountable.

"I think the programme will appeal to a wider audience now”.

Question and Answer: Huw Edwards What are your exact duties as presenter? Do you just read the news?

No. Some of my colleagues do just read the news – that is their choice.

I made a deal when I started on the Six O’Clock News that I would not end my journalistic activities. I’ve a big say in

what we run, when we run it, and who we use to do it. It’s a big role.

What is the most difficult part of your job?

Trying to please everyone.

With an audience of more than six million every night, you can’t please everyone -

it’s just not possible.

Thankfully our audiences have been very high and very consistent, but as soon as you change things you attract criticism for dumbing down and other things.

Part of the audience are very conservative, so it’s a difficult balancing act.

The journalist will leave his job at the Six O’Clock News in the New Year

You made your name as a political correspondent.

What can be done to make students more interested in politics?

It very easy for students to say that politics is boring. I think part of the blame for political apathy in students has to lie with the students themselves.

They can’t complain about what is happening in education if they aren’t interested in the policies and politics of government.

The media’s political coverage is not an excuse for students not to be interested in politics. However, talking as an ex-political correspondent, the BBC’s political coverage in the past has not been as accessible as it should have been. It’s been too bogged down in political jargon and the happenings of Westminster village.

How has Cardiff changed since you were a student?

I came here in 1979. Cardiff was a little bit drab and grim at that time. (It still seemed like a big city if you come from Llanelli!) Cardiff has changed a lot since then.

I think, today, Cardiff is easily within the top ten cities in the UK to be a student. It’s got a fantastic student life and a

brilliant nightlife. The city itself has been revitalised. It doesn’t look at all like it did when I was here. It’s now a very exciting modern city.

Many journalists are poorly paid and work long hours. What warnings would you give students before considering a career in journalism?

Go into the industry with your eyes open. In the BBC you are not stuck in one department. But if you went into an area specialising in on-line news, for example, you could find yourself sitting in front of a computer screen for 12 hours a day - not the kind of thing most people go into journalism to do.

Were you ever involved in gair rhydd or Xpress Radio?

I did some music reviews for gair rhydd, but I wasn’t seriously into student journalism.

There was a television experiment going on when I was here that I was on the fringes of, but it was quite badly organised.

I was a bit of a swot at university. I spent most of my time working and discovering every Indian Restaurant in Cardiff while I was a student: I’ve still got an encyclopedic

knowledge of Cardiff’s curry houses to this day!

Is the journalism more competitive now compared to when you first started?

There are far more jobs around. There are more channels, more news outlets and more online news. But to actually make it into the big time is as difficult as it was when I started.

You have to be very driven and very ambitious and very, very hard working – there’s no getting away from it.

What are the best degrees for students who want to enter journalism as a profession?

It’s a mistake in undergraduate terms to limit yourself to media studies.

I still think the more traditional degree courses are often better training grounds for journalists. You can focus on postgraduate journalist qualifications afterwards.

With Cardiff as an exception, a lot of media studies courses are not up to preparing people to work in the media. It’s a bit of a con to get students onto media studies courses when they don’t stand much chance of getting a job.

Cardiff’s course is an exception to that!

News

November 25 2002

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CRIME FILE DECEPTION CON MEN targeted a student recently, by selling him what he thought was a laptop.

The student paid £300 to two men who approached him in a car, but once the men had driven off he found that rather than a laptop, the case he had bought contained two bottles of lemonade.

PC Keohane warned students not to be tempted to buy property in this manner as con artists will claim to have items to sell which are wrapped up.

However, once money is handed over, con men will mysteriously disappear leaving the buyer to discover that he has been duped.

SUSPICIOUS MALE A FEMALE STUDENT was followed along Park Place in the early hours of last tuesday morning.

The male kept pace with the woman even when she changed pace. Nothing was said to the student and fortunately no assault took place.

Students are advised to carry attack alarms which are available from the union shop.

CHRISTMAS ADVICE POLICE ARE advising students to take as much property home with them at Christmas as possible.

The Christmas holidays provide ample opportunity for burglars as student halls and houses are left empty for the three week break.

Students should not leave valuable items in empty rooms and should make sure that they have left their property as secure as possible.

PHONES UPDATE ONLY FOUR students reported their phones stolen in town over the last weekend.

So far 37 students have had their mobiles stolen when out in town, but this week has seen a reduction in the number of thefts.

If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444.

PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/content/police.

Talk reveals UK gun shame Rhiannon Davies reports A BRAZILIAN HUMAN rights activist has spoken out at Cardiff University against the lack of controls on British arms exporters.

Jessica Galeria was one of the keynote speakers at an Amnesty International talk in the University’s Main Building last Wednesday.

Amnesty International is campaigning for tougher export laws in a bid to solve the problems of gun violence throughout the developing world.

Jessica Galeria, originally from the USA but now living and working in Brazil, is involved with the organisation Viva Rio. She presented her speech

“Guns transform everyday violence into a social epidemic”.

JESSICA GALERIA, BRAZILIAN ACTIVIST

to highlight the work that she has been doing in inner-city Rio de Janeiro.

Jessica is the co-ordinator of the ‘Women for Disarmament’ campaign, “Choose gun free! It’s your weapon or me”, which aims to reduce the amount of gun violence and crime in the city through community policing and greater trust between police and residents.

The problem of gun crime is most apparent in Latin America and last year in Brazil alone there were 45,000 homicides that were gun-related.

In her speech, Jessica said, “Just as the mosquito transmits diseases like malaria, in Brazil guns represent the vehicle of transmission that multiplies and aggravates everyday violence, transforming it into a social epidemic and an urgent public health concern”.

She added that she hoped that through her words, “British students would be outraged at the current state of arms export laws and would be motivated to do

Brazilian human rights activist Jessica Galeria, telling the tale of crime in Rio something about it”.

In December, the Department of Trade and Industry will hold a consultation on the final stages of the Export Control Act. Amnesty International is particularly keen to see specific loopholes of the Act

addressed.

Third year Biology student Hannah Chantry attended the speech and said, “I find it staggering that you don’t need a license to export arms abroad.

“In effect we are providing the means for gun violence

and mass war crimes to take place”.

Amnesty International is encouraging students to write to local MPs about the issue.

More information on the campaign can be found at www.amnesty.org.uk or at www.vivario.org.br.

Miss Wales greeted by strife in Nigeria Chloe Forbes reports GLAMORGAN STUDENT Michelle Bush, recently crowned Miss Wales, has set off to the Miss World competition in the face of enormous opposition in Nigeria and at home.

Glenys Kinnock, a Wales Euro-MP, asked competitors to pull out in protest at host country Nigeria’s plans to stone a woman to death for having a child outside marriage.

Last week, riots greeted the

Miss World contest in the northern Nigerian city of Kanduna.

The trouble was started by fundamentalist Muslims, who are said to view the Miss World contest as ‘un-Islamic’ and are upset that it has started in the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.

Four Miss World contestants, including Miss Denmark and Miss France, have now pulled out in protest at Amina Lawal’s sentence, although nine had originally threaten to do so.

Ms Lawal was brought before a Regional Islamic Court after local villagers had her arrested.

With little legal representation to help her, she was convicted of adultery.

The death sentence will be carried out in 2004 once her baby has been weaned.

Amnesty International claim on their web site that there are “serious questions” about the trial.

As in many such cases, the man acknowledged as the

father was released without charge, due to inadequate evidence to convict him.

Michelle Bush, a second year chiropractic student who beat 10 others to be crowned Miss Wales, felt extremely stressed by the situation, saying that she felt she “should not be put in a situation like this” and could not be expected to work as a politician.

Diane Bush, Miss Wales’s mother, told gair rhydd that Michelle had thought seriously about her decision

to attend the competition.

“Politics shouldn’t really have come into it, although we sympathise with this Nigerian lady’s position”.

She also added Michelle Bush had taken a petition, supporting the repeal of the Amina Lawal sentence, with her to Nigeria.

It is unclear whether this boycott will help to win Amina Lawal an acquittal.

In fact, Amina Lawal has said to the press that she wants the contest to go ahead as planned.

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at gair rhydd the places and people making the in Wales, Britain, Europe ...World Roundup... headlines and the World TAX INCREASES ALL THE RAGE GERMANY: A song satirising Chancellor Schroeder’s huge tax increases has reached Number One in the German charts.

Only a few months after being re-elected, Schroeder’s government has implemented new taxes including a 15 per cent tax on property sales. He has also abolished financial benefit for homeowners.

The Chancellor has also been faced with a revolt from members of his coalition in the Green Party.

Der Steuersong was composed by Schroeder impersonator Elmar Brandt.

IMAGE OF CHRIST FOUND ON CHAPATI

Brandt comments in the song on how Schroeder has broken his election promises, INDIA: More than 20,000 singing, “Promises made Christian pilgrims have visited yesterday can be broken a Church in Bangalore to see today”. what they believe to be the image of Christ on a chapati.

The Renewal Retreat Centre has displayed the chapati after a bearded face was recognised on the burned bread earlier this month.

Sheela Antony, a Christian housewife, said she was about to throw the chapati away when she noticed the face on one corner.

"For a moment the burnt part of the chapati looked like Jesus”, she said.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Stealing from the rich?

I showed it to my daughters

and neighbours, who also said it was Jesus".

SHEEP JIBES “NOT RACIST” ENGLAND: A crown court jury in Reading has ruled that a series of sheep-related taunts aimed at a Welsh Policeman were not racist.

Sgt. Michael Graham of Thames Valley Police became the butt of the remarks after confronting Michael Lynch, 40, during an incident outside a kebab shop.

Sergeant Graham said Mr Lynch immediately noticed his strong Welsh accent and began a series of comments linking his nation with bestiality towards sheep.

While Mr Lynch has been

charged with threatening behaviour and criminal damage, he was acquitted of a charge of racial aggravation.

He said the remarks were commonplace and not meant to be “racist or threatening”.

Sergeant Graham has insisted that Lynch was being “extremely abusive”.

A sheep.

Editorial & Opinion

November 25 2002

Page 6

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

EDITORIAL

S

To fee or not to fee?

Shifting the blame

T

W

ome of you may notice that this page is new to Mark Cobley gair rhydd. It is hoped that in the long term it is a he current debate welcome and worthwhile raging over the issue addition. The reason it has of top-up fees can come into being, is to allow seem, even to students, a more current issues to be little irrelevant at times. explored and hopefully, to Many students could be instigate further debate into the forgiven for thinking that topics covered. however many protests the This issue especially NUS and the Socialist highlights one of the best and Students mount, nothing will most important roles of this ever come of it - Tony Blair publication is to enable a feeand his mates in government flow of ideas and the airing of will do whatever the hell the most diverse range of they like anyway.

Cardiff student’s opinions as is Some students may not possible. As the massive even be worried about the response to the front cover introduction of top-up fees. It story of the previous edition is highly likely that even if seems to indicate, students they were introduced, they obviously still want a forum to would only be introduced for vent their views. And rightly so. those who could afford them The harassment in halls of - students from lower-class lesbian, gay and bisexual (though I hesitate to use the students by homophobic term) families would in all groups is incredibly disturbing. probability either be exempt To the majority, it is quite or qualify for assistance. inconceivable that some There is a certain amount of attempt to defend such validity to these views. It is behaviour. The extra letters true that it would be possible page has been added this to design a top-up fees system fortnight, as a response to the so that poorer students were huge correspondence we have not disadvantaged. received. As always, please However, the most serious feel free to reply... damage that top-up fees could do is not to students’ pockets, or even those of Recently, the section editors their parents. and I have been attending Top-up fees could wreck training days, organised by the the entire system of University major daily papers. Not only education as we know it, and are these seminars incredibly replace it with a fundamentally helpful, but also actually quite different one. pleasing in that - at last - the Amongst all the recent media see the student press as news stories on the subject of something to take note of. fees, one thing is clear: that However, most interestingly there is very little continuity. It the subject of student apathy is not the case, for example, was at the forefront of that all politicians and discussion. Representatives Universities think top-up fees from the student body from are a brilliant idea, and nor is across Britain attended the it even the case that all talks and generally it is students hate the very suggested that student suggestion. participation in a variety of Just in the last few days areas, including student media, and weeks, both Cardiff and was down.

Cambridge Universities have I’m unsure that this is publicly stated they have “no completely true. You only plans” to introduce the need to look at the attendance increased fees. Imperial at meetings, sports clubs and the ever growing number of societies in Cardiff to see that apathy or laziness is extremely unlikely to be the cause. More realistically, ever growing financial pressures on those LaDonna Hall attending university must take some of the blame. he expected flurry of The possible introduction of journalistic excitement top-up fees are therefore surely that ensued after not the way forward. As the Professor Gunther von debate continues to rage, the Hagens’ highly publicised education system appears to autopsy underscored need somewhat of a kick; let’s perfectly the bizarre and hope that more imaginative unusual nature of the event. ways to offer opportunities to I myself managed to miss all wanting to go to university the televised version, but by are considered. all accounts my stomach has With students increasingly a lot to thank me for. Only having to work part-time in the strongest of constitutions order to support themselves, could have sat through all academic strangleholds do not that chopping and slicing want to be another obstacle to unmoved. involvement. The ‘Keep Our I must admit to being Wednesdays Free’ campaign is fascinated by the whole beneficial in trying to stop procedure, not least by the lectures happening when figure of the instigator. The opportunities within the union ‘Mad Professor’, as he styles events are greatest; and it goes himself, is a character well beyond the issue of sport. straight from the pages of a Apathetic? Us? Obviously not.

Could top-up fees bring American-style institutions?

College, London, on the other hand, has suggested fees of up to £15,000.

The Cabinet Minister Clare Short has declared top up fees to be a “very bad idea” while Margaret Hodge, the Education Minister, has been making comments seen as paving the way for their introduction.

These mixed messages prove only one thing - that if top-up fees were introduced, not all institutions would adopt them, and those that did would charge very different amounts.

What would happen, in other words, is the creation of an American-style higher education ‘market’ - not twotier but multi-tier.

Some institutions would aim for the ‘bottom end’ of the market, charging minimal fees. Others would try to emulate the Ivy League Universities in the U.S., by charging large amounts to study there.

Studying the American experience is very instructive.

What has happened there is that the market has gradually stretched out, with the gaps between the institutions growing ever wider. In the majority of institutions, tuition fees are relatively cheap, with just a few private

Universities charging the toprate fees of around $25,000 a year. But, on the other hand, this also means that the average lecturers’ wages are low, and, one must assume, therefore the quality of teaching must be that much lower too.

Staff-to-student ratios are bad, and many University staff are hired on a temporary, part-time basis.

The situation is particularly bad in the few public institutions.

The implications of such an approach for the UK are clear. Compared to the United States, our Universities are on more of an equal footing with each other. They are not all the same, by any stretch of the imagination, but the requirement that no institution can charge anymore than a set amount is a powerful factor ensuring that the laggards do not fall too far behind the field.

The removal of these restrictions would only serve to promote the interests of the elite few - universities, students and lecturers - at the expense of the ‘average’ many.

Something for this supposedly egalitarian Labour government to think about.

Rhys James ho do you blame for the rupture and sinking of the Prestige last Tuesday? The tanker’s Greek managers, Universe Maritime? The ship’s captain, currently residing in a Spanish jail? The port authorities of Gibraltar? The ship from which the container fell, the collision with which probably resulted in the rupture of the ship’s hull? As events have unfolded off the Galician coast this week, so has emerged the gradual realisation of all parties as to the truly catastrophic scale of the incident. The sunken tanker was carrying 70,000,000 litres of an especially unpleasant form of oil; double that of the infamous Exxon Valdez, the impact of which is still being felt a decade later.

This incident has only served to highlight the damaging culture of singular responsibility which has come to exist in politics, from the domestic (A-Levels results jump readily to mind) to the fully international (consider the Cuban Missile Crisis).

As the scale of its possible impact has become apparent, all parties have desperately tried to disassociate themselves, avoiding any singular responsibility.

The Spanish government even tried to palm off the concern onto that of Portugal,

only being challenged by an assertive destroyer Captain of the latter country.

This practice of fingerpointing has only served to degrade the concerns of the events, sucking them down into the mire of popular and clandestine politics, rather than concentrating on dealing with the tanker and its potential to do unimaginable environmental damage.

As Charles Kennedy has observed, pollution knows no national boundaries. To try to pass responsibility, and even risk of impact, onto other nations is totally pointless.

Whilst British, Spanish, Portuguese and Greek authorities rally and jab, the huge killer slick continues to indiscriminately threaten hundreds of miles of coastline, and the precious Bank of Galicia.

If ever there was an argument for a European or, even better, a United Nations Environmental Agency, with an active executive, rather than simply a legislative role, this is a perfect example.

As long as we wish to maintain our standard of life, which necessitates receiving a steady supply of fuel, then actions which mortgage the state of the environment will continue to be necessary.

These risks then, must be actively and collectively prepared for, without turning them into political tools.

The clean-up continues

The ‘Mad Professor’ strikes again

T

gothic novel. His widelipped, muted smile gave very little of his nerves away, and the visual impact of his rather severe-looking trilby hat was enough to cause me to grimace as I imagined him wielding a hefty hacksaw.

It necessarily takes someone with an original outlook on medical science to attempt something so provocative; it’s just a macabre bonus that the man in question looked so fitting.

While I applaud Professor Gunther’s attempts to push the boundaries of medical democracy, my admiration for his nerve and willingness to be jailed for his actions is undercut somewhat by the sensationalism that surrounded the event.

2000 people applied for

discuss and engage with, as proved. But was his latest only 300 tickets and he the success of the Professor’s venture just too much of a performed the operation media circus to be justified? under intense media scrutiny. ‘Bodyworks’ exhibition has Interestingly, as my housemate wondered, did he really have to use such a noisy hacksaw to cut through the skull of the 72 year old man’s body? I think not.

As a professional surgeon pointed out, pathological instruments that do the job far more precisely and quietly have been developed in recent years. Why did good old Gunther not use one of those? It’s all a bit unsavoury for my liking.

I have no doubt that this operation was important and of interest to the public at large. The demystification of death is something people are increasingly ready to Wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley

Classifieds ● 08

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MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

gair rhydd, Monday 25 November 2002

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS

ACCOMMODATION

SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on ssufc1@cardiff.ac.uk.

Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk Visiting hours for non-sabbs coming soon.

Also, after the bi-election, there will hopefully be someone in the position of LGB officer.. Watch this space.

Rooma available in shared house in Woodville Road. To share with five others. All mod. cons. Rent £210 per month.

Contact 07989 341785 Room available off City Road. Rent £192. Just refurbished.

Contact 02920406181 ROOM TO RENT. Share with three female 5th year students. Clodien Avenue, the Heath. Large garage, newly furnished kitchen and living room. £50 per week.

Phone 07814 556154 Need another housemate? Need a house?

Need anything vaguely related to houses and accommodation? this is the place to paste up your note.

EMPLOYMENT And this is where you cast your eyes for those employment prospects, because you’ve spent your loan already haven’t you.

MISCELLANEOUS Miscellaneous is the place for all your unclassifiable messages, that would be shout outs, birthdays. well, just about anything really. Be heard!

Hot dogs for sale. Where? Over there, by the beefburgers. £2.99 for as many as will

1 Meeting, could be brief? (9) 6 Costa del ___ (3) 7 Curt (7) 10 Inexpensive peach, perhaps? (5) 11 Sour beer? (6) 14 Lost three in that place? (5) 16 Go beyond (6) 18 Written composition (5) 21 Free from germs (7) 22 Man of Indonesia? (3) 23 Resolute, dogged (9) Barrymore taking an island? Soapy froth? Harry Enfield’s desire, I tell thee, this fortnight’s crossword is a tad more interesting and a hell of a lot more difficult than previously. The steaks are high (so ask the butcher to get a ladder, fool), but I’m sure you’ll pull through. Answers up to the fourth floor of the union quick as a flasher.

Liver and kidneys for sale, £30. One previous owner, quite well worn, selling for cashflow problems. Contact gair rhydd for details.

As you may have gathered, the above three advertisements are not strictly legitimate.

That’s because you, the readership, have neglected to send in the sort of meaningless trash and silly photographs that used to grace this section. Why? You could write your own articles independent of editorial control, for God’s sake! What a waste of potential. That’s why I’m having to fill this yawning gap of a column. Therefore, a shout out to me happy birthday for next week. Aww, shucks, guys, you shouldn’t have. That’s it for the next twelve months...

I’ve got a girlfriend, she’s sixteen years younger than me. Back of the net. I’m 19, by the way. (For those of you foolish enough to have missed the marvellous Mr Partridge back on our screens, this is a reference to him.) So wise up and heed this wake up call. Because you’ll be sorry when it’s gone.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

CROSSWORD Across:

fit in your apron. Tasty.

Earn £££s working with dangerous animals. Full life insurance and suicide pills provided. Contact 02920 781434.

Down:

1 River of Heidelberg? (4) 2 Shop, apparently full of fowls? (4) 3 Not just brunette! (6) 4 Characteristic feature (5) 5 _____ Cup, biennial golf tournament (5) 6 (of wine) dry (3) 9 Malicious deception (4) 10 Poker stake (4) 11 Pan, room or spread? (3) 13 Michael Barrymore takes in an island? (4) 15 Frantic (6) 16 Praise highly (5) 17 Maybe lance isn’t dirty? (5) 18 Resound (4) 19 Soapy froth (4) 20 Harry Enfield’s desire? (3)

Last edition’s winner was Alex Wordsworth. Come up and see us to get the prize voucher sorted!

Last fortnight’s answers: Across: 7, Pardon 8, Loafer 9, The 10, Divide 11, Allure 12, Rat 14, Agree 17, Bared 19, Assay 20, Comet 23, Erect 26, Profit 26, Sew 28, Profit 29, Aviary 30, Egg 31, Psyche 32, Uniform Down: 1, Saying 2, Advise 3, Inter 4, Pleat 5, Dahlia 6, Decree 13, Aisle 15, Ram 16, Eat 17, Bye 18, Aye 21, Onrush 22, Efface 24, Raider 25, Curdle 26, Steer 27, Wager

NAME:________________________ E-MAIL:_______________________ WHY DON’T YOU COME HOME PABLO? WE CRY.

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gairrhydd, Monday 25th November 2002

passing

Comment ● 09

COMMENT

I LIKE PICKLED ONIONS/AND I LIKE PICCALILLI/HORSE PORN/I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT A PIE/CHOIR NEWS/DADDY? CHIPS?/DADDY? - CHIPS/WORSHIP BELIAL, KIDS By D .C. Gates

H

ERE WE are again, happy as can be; all good pals and jolly good company. Well, I can’t really verify that, seeing as how I have received absolutely no feedback concerning this fortnightly outpouring of swill. (I am not counting the letter concerning my use of expletives that was sent in after the first issue, as the mystery identity of its author has not yet been revealed.) In some ways I suppose this is a Good Thing, as this means that no-one wants to kill me that much. On the other hand, the more likely explanation for this is that Passing Comment is, ahem, not exactly the most popular section of gair rhydd. That nobody reads this stuff is quite a liberating prospect, as subjects that were previously untouchable can be ripped apart with a free and easy disposition. Of course, my dear readers, you could exercise your democratic rights and visit my lair to submit your own contributions. You know, just a thought...

Right, let the slander begin. I notice that a certain society has resorted to its time-honoured publicity tactic of displaying posters of its female members in states of undress. Why this isn’t considered as disobedience of the Union’s equal opportunities rulings, I’ll

never know. Anyway, it’s a promotion of crappy smut, the sort of thing that’s further removed from actual sex than a Trappist monastery, the young person’s equivalent of ‘adult’ cinemas - the ones populated solely by lonely old men in dubious winter wear. There we go; no names mentioned, no harm done to anyone. And anyone coming out in defence of the alleged society is thus endorsing and implicitly agreeing with my criticisms. Sorted, as we said back in the day.

The supposed fiasco concerning Paul Burrell and the Queen has left me feeling slightly sorry for both of them.

This is very surprising, as I am an ardent republican. None the less, Burrell has left himself at the savage mercies of the media by making the mistake of selling his story so soon after the events have occurred. Fair enough, a later sale would have yielded a lesser sum, but then Burrell might have been spared the humiliation of having other people display his dirty washing in public. For the Queen this is just the latest in a long line of embarrassments that are the ultimate consequence of our retention of a monarchy. Throughout the constant social changes in the last century, the ruling classes of Britain held onto

power with the help of a neo-Victorian (or even neo-Elizabethan) fetishism of the monarchy as the concrete reality of the British (read, English) way of life.

The current outrage expressed by the media of Middle England towards the prospect of strike action from ANYONE can be traced right back to the use of the Royal Family as a totem of the Old Order, of the ultimately tenuous power that our ‘betters’ hold on to. By being exploited (whilst exploiting) as a symbol of conservative elements in working class thoughts, the Royals have set themselves up for the condemnation which they continually receive for defying the moral criteria that they were supposed to embody.

With the Queen Mother gone, not even a death in the family can prevent their continuing slide into ignominy.

Mmm, yes. I don’t feel at all sorry for either Paul Burrell or the Queen, come to think of it. So parts of that last paragraph have now become totally irrelevant. Oh, how your hearts must be bleeding, readers. Even as these words skip across the screen, several members of our esteemed writing team have hurled themselves over the balcony and onto the dull concrete below. We don’t take things lightly in gair rhydd, you know. I’ve just had to

stick my hand up a dead bear’s bum, for God’s sake, and all for an ungrammatically constructed sentence.

I started writing this in the first week of this issue’s production, so forgive me if parts of it seem a little outdated. This article was begun the day after the first strike by the Fire Brigades’ Union, also the day after the Union building had to close down at six. I am writing in support of the firemen, as a pre-emptive strike against the dreadful torrent of whining, from the media, politicians and uninformed members of the public, that we all will no doubt be subjected to in the coming weeks.

Firstly, what on earth is the point of blaming the firefighters for all manner of problems, ranging from an increase of hoax calls, to having to use one’s imagination and go somewhere else on a Wednesday night? In placing the blame on the striking FBU, you are shifting the responsibility from cause to symptoms. It’s like attributing the broken leg on the limb itself, rather than the car accident that caused it, or that dose of crabs on your genitalia instead of the trip to Ibiza. Secondly, if it hadn’t been for strike action many of the political and social reforms over the past hundred and seventy years

would still be pipe dreams, and you wouldn’t even be reading this. Why? Because you’d be weaving at looms, mining all manner of materials, or shovelling shit – all day long. And for once it means that our standing army is doing something useful, instead of training for a war which isn’t even being made in our defence. Writing letters to MPs or lobbying parliament won’t ultimately change anything. They get paid to ignore this kind of attention, for heaven’s sake. In resorting to direct industrial action the FBU is at last forcing those in power to listen to them – the only way they can get any say in the matter. Of course, I’m writing before any of this has ended, so please bear with me.

So, yet another bout of hopelessly protracted rambling and ranting has come to an end. What’s more, next issue is the legendary Christmas special, so keep a look out for a possible double (or at last, a full) page spread - featuring! Community Voices!

The obligatory “I hate Christmas” cliches! With the aid of magic, we speak to the dead! The dreaded return of Brian Blessed! And much more... If you want to be part of this low-fat malarkey, come to the office NO LATER than the 29th. See you there!

Dustbin of History IGNATIUS CLEMENS (fl.

1300s)

together meat, gravy and a coffin of pastry; viz. the Pie. Were this Plan to have begun to-day, no doubt the goodly Friar would have enjoyed much Celebrity and Fame, but Clemens was a Godly and

shade can be seen on lonely, moonlit nights, wandering through the ancient ruins, a flagon of old ale in his hand.

Alternatively, this could just be LITTLE IS known about Barry, landlord of The Red Dustbin of History’s subject for Lion, staggering drunkenly in this issue, but he made an his nightgown. indelible contribution to Either way, it is a human society. In short, comforting Ignatius Clemens invented image. the pie. The only recorded But anyway, evidence concerning him gentle reader, let dates from the middle of us instead pay the seventeenth century, homage to the found in Forbes’ man, without Chronicle, a collection of whom millions letters and a would have been documentation of the oral denied that most tradition relating to the simple of Lancashire-Yorkshire pleasures - the borders. Apparently, crisp touch of Clemens entered the teeth on pastry Cistercian order at one of and the sensuous its abbeys, that of Sawley, thrill of tasting west Lancs, in the 1320s, the pleasures CLEMENS: or at least an artist’s impression of what he may beneath. I am and at some point before have looked like. When I say ‘artist’s impression’, I mean his death toward the end sure, and may that it obviously isn’t of that century this king Providence strike of dishes was invented (some Humble man, and few were to me down if I lie, that if he could might say discovered). At this know of his most fortuitous see his creation flourishing in so point it will probably be Design. Indeed, a story has it many incarnations to this day, necessary to quote directly from that the Abbot did try to claim the simple and humble monk the Chronicle itself, which does the Dish as his own, but was would shed a small tear of joy. not seem to have outlast its rebuked by the People of initial printing in 1731.

Sawley, who said, Get you away, The person responsible for “In the time of Edward III you Fat Fuck. We know nothing this article has been sacked, as there did live in Sawley a most more of Clemens, save that his he was making Stuart Hall look redoubtable Monk, known as Corse is interr’d within the like Henry Rollins. Maybe you’d Ignatius Clemens, who was to Abbey’s ruins.” be interested in writing take charge of the Abbey’s Nothing is known of something for this feature? If so, victuals. It was this Brave and Clemens’ demise. although bring it up to the office. We don’t Noble man that first put according to local legend, his bite - much.

gair rhydd 25 11 02

10 • Letters

Letters Special Guiding The Lost?

Dear gair rhydd I am writing in response to the front page article in this week's edition of gair rhydd concerning homophobic campaigners. I do not know the details of the situation or the organisation that was responsible but I am a Christian. The Bible does say that the act of homosexual sex is a sin and unnatural: "Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another." (Romans 1:2627). I do not hold the opinion however that any human being is to judge another, that is the position of God and God only.

Christians are called to love all people and part of that is to show people God's word.

Although I personally would not deliberately look for homosexual people to speak to on this subject, I would encourage any friend of mine, whether straight or gay, to look into the Gospel for themselves. I am saddened at the way in which this group targeted homosexuals but it also saddens me to see the LGB society calling this homophobia.

Physical or verbal attacks on lesbians, gays or bisexuals is homophobic behaviour but I view this recent campaign as a group of people reaching out in love to guide the lost to the God who loves them.

G Dear gair rhydd I’m writing in response to he front page article in the last issue of gair rhydd. In this post-modern age it seems that everyone is entitled to an opinion, their own personal truth except Christians who are frequently called “prejudiced” and “homophobic”. It is true that there are homophobic individuals within the Church who judge LGBs unfairly.

However, it is just as prejudiced to judge the Christian faith without hearing what it actually has to say on the issue. It seems to me that it’s only fair that I take a few moments to give the other side of the story.

I am a Christian girl who has decided to make what Jesus Christ wants me to make the most important priority in my life. I therefore believe the Bible is true and the word of God (remember, we’re all entitled to our opinions!). However, if I were not a Christian I would almost certainly be gay.

No-one can accuse me of being homophobic as it is an issue I live with daily and know exactly where LGBs are coming from. The Bible is quite clear that the act of homosexual sex is wrong and not as God intended (see Romans 1:24-27). However, before the accusations of ‘self-righteous homophobic’ start rolling off your tongues, hear me out. The Bible also tells us of many other sins. Lying, even white ones for example is a sin. I doubt anyone can say they’ve never done that. My point is the Bible makes no distinction between homosexual sin and any other. Compared to a sinless and completely pure and holy God we, as humans, “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

I’m as sinful as the next person, whatever their belief system or sexuality. Although I’ve never actually slept with another woman I’ve come pretty close. I know that this is not what God wants for me and therefore in deciding to ignore his instructions I was sinning. But here’s the great part, although we’re all guilty Jesus loves us anyway. He doesn’t care about our orientation. He just wants us to believe and follow him, then our sins, homosexuality among many others will be forgiven. It’s as simple as that Child of God

Appalled Dear gair rhydd Having read your most recent publication I was appalled at a couple of stories that were included. Firstly, the front page news about this homophobic gang going around halls and harassing the residents there. I feel very strongly about this as I myself am gay. I first discovered my tendency towards men in my first year at Cardiff. I found it very hard to be myself around people as I felt they would look down on me. After speaking to people who are also gay, I realised that it is not something to be ashamed of. Everyone is different, people don’t get discriminated against others because of their hair colour, height etc. so why pick on people because of their sexual tendencies? It is people like this that make society what it is today. I’m not being funny, but would you like it if I discriminated against you because you are straight.

The other story is the disappearance of James Knight. Although I never joined any gay/lesbian societies I knew James from my first year. He was never a close friend, but when I was considering coming out, he offered advice and support to me. When I did eventually come out, I found that I lost a few close friends, I struggled for a while but found that people who accepted me for who I am were my real friends. My family accepted my decision, and have been very supportive to me since. I feel it is so sad that James was unable to stay at uni. as a result of coming out.

It seems that these are dark days for being a gay student at Cardiff University. My wish is that all this hatred against gays and lesbians would end. This is the 21st century, being different is supposed to be socially acceptable these days. I am still the same person I have always been, I still go out on the lash and have fun (even though I have trouble with excessive drinking!) The sooner people realise that gays are not a different species the better.

James Bryant 3rd Year Accounting and Management Dear gair rhydd I write with reference to the front page of the gair rhydd (Monday 11th November). It is heart-warming to see such fantastic journalism in the face of the drivel spouted forth from the red-top tabloids.

Homophobia is an issue. Commendations to those individuals who put anti-homophobia leaflets in halls, likewise well done to Mark Cobley for the liberally factual reporting. It is without such open attitudes that any society runs into grave danger of oppressing minority groups.

The role of organised religion within such a debate clearly pursues a dramatically polarised aim. If such exclusive and egocentric views are not challenged and uprooted then we risk a downwards spiral into fascism. In terms of homosexuality being "unnatural", there is no empirical evidence to support this. Indeed as any zoology student can testify, a great many primates are observed to enter into same-sex relationships of a very intimate nature for no reason other than pleasure. Furthermore such extreme religious views are not even well founded within contemporary Christianity. As the Guardian bravely reported this week, the Church of England has updated its stance on second marriage such that divorcees are formally permitted to remarry in church should they so wish. It is alongside this development that one realises the necessity to view any apparently religious "maxim" within the contemporary social context. If more conservatively

Following last edition’s front page ‘Homophobic campaign targets halls students’ story we’ve been inundated with letters from students wishing to make their opinion known on the matter. Here are some of them... absolutist branches of Christianity decide that they can only interpret the bible in its literal sense then they must face two tasks.

Firstly, stop eating shellfish, that too is not permitted (see Proverbs). Secondly, answer me this: Would your conception of Jesus welcome the oppression and ridicule of minorities?

Yours, in thanks for a splendidly professional and free newspaper, Bazz 2nd Year Philosophy and French.

Incitement Dear gair rhydd I am writing in response to gair rhydd’s leading article regarding the targeting of halls students by homophobic campaigners.

Whilst I myself am not homophobic, I believe that gay, lesbian and bisexual people do nothing but incite homophobic feelings when they actively go about the place ranting and raving about the joys of being intimate with members of the same sex.

Sexual orientation is, in my opinion, a matter for the individual and is a private matter at that. Unlike politics and Religion it not likely that one can be 'converted', so why the hell saturate every bed in university halls with flyers promoting batties?? Now immediately having read the word "batties" there will be those frothing at the mouth, raging against my political incorrectness.

Well I don't care. Every minority or class of person susceptible to discrimination has in my view got to chill a little. I happen to be Welsh, I'm a girl, I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer and am a long way down the list of those likely to win Miss World. However, do I go about the place forcing my

individuality upon the world at large? Do I have stalls in the Union Reception promoting welshness and the art of excusably cobbing in people's faces? Do I arrange tampon changing parties for girls, cinema trips for fatties and bowling excursions for those with munted features?

Do I hell!

Ok so I may be getting a bit over the top here. And yes we do have countless of societies which cater for specific races, cultures, preferred pastimes etc. God knows I've traipsed around the Great Hall enough times enrolling in such associations; 'The Law Society', 'The Cocktail Society’ (fantastic but short lived) and a whole host of others which I never went to ‘coz the people running them were dictators or the society was just essentially shite. However, the fact remains that whilst membership to one of these societies is all well and good and that people in today's society should have a choice to be who they want to be (with the exception of paedophiles, murderers, rapists and Steps fans) flyering on peoples beds is just bloody ridiculous!

What if every Black, Asian, Irish, Welshspeaker, blue-eyed, dog lover, stamp collector etc. went about placing leaflets concerning their right to be themselves on University beds? We wouldn't be able to fucking sleep - we'd drown amidst the various hues of A4!

So, homosexual people who have taken flyering to a new and in my mind ridiculous level, leave the beds alone, stop telling the world that you are gay and you will give yourself some peace! Thank You. Miss Angharad Roche Lettersdesk says: Thanks to all those who have written to us to express their opinion on this matter. To express your view on this or anything else at all, e-mail us at gairrhyddletters@hotmail.com.

gair rhydd 25 11 02

11 • Letters

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight wins the commissioning of a waxwork model of themselves. And a wick.

Dear gair rhydd, There are endless protests against tuition fees. As someone has pointed out in your letters column ages ago the roads around Cathays are eerily quiet in the summer vacation and the road outside my house is now full of cars. Cars owned or run by the same students who claim to be drastically in debt. I agree that the amount of debt we need to get into during university is appalling but there is (rightly so) a threshold below which your LEA will pay. Being a student and a realist I am willing to admit that a lot of my debt is self inflicted. I have a PS2, loads of games, a hefty DVD collection and (in case anyone is thinking of robbing me I’m a martial artist) over £400 worth of swords. Despite living up shit creek financially I refuse to ask my parents for help because I know my spending isn’t necessary. I challenge every student to look at their own spending and try not to take any of Daddy`s money when you know you are making frivolous purchases. Am I the only one that sees we live in poverty and luxury at the same time?

So if you can protest against fees with a clear conscience and don’t throw money away then say you can’t afford to pay, you have my full support. If we are honest with ourselves I don’t think many people can say that.

Now if I have any friends left anyone wanna watch a DVD? 3rd year engineer Lettersdesk says: An extreeeemely good point. Maybe we should glance at the means testing process, which as it currently stands ensures that someone with three houses (one abroad) and enough money to do the breast-stroke in tucked away in the piggy-bank gets their tuition fees paid for them by the government because their parents are retired so don’t officially have an income, while others who have to scrape by for a living while at university get minimum support because both their parents work. Just maybe.

Granny Gripes Dear gair rhydd It seems the Codger-capacitated Alzhiemers Express has pulled onto Albany Road- the place is full of old timers at the moment, most of them performing a manoeuvre known as the 'Tat Tangential' whereby they espy some tatty taffy trinket such as a 'Red Dragon' wristwatch or leek shaped dildo and suddenly veer off their scheduled trajectory into the path of any oncoming pedestrianusually cackling "Ooh thats unusual" as they send children, prams and little puppy dogs crashin' to the floor. But I'm not bitter.... and funny how the Great British grave dodger suddenly loses all sense of where their body ends and somebody else's begins. I was recently in the queue for an 'Any Five Items' Breakfast Special when an octogenarian prolapser behind me began sliding her tray into my fingers. Not only did she end up with her five items before I did, she nudged my arm as she trembled towards the till - sending steaming tea splooshing onto my hash browns. I then had the misfortune to cop a pike at her boat as she mashed sausages between her gums. She had a wispy moustache and one of those 'anus mouths' which put me off my morning sustenance. Got to love 'em though eh?

Ponyupthedough Lettersdesk says: Seldom has ageism been better articulated.

Well done.

MP Hammers Dear gair rhydd, In response to the anonymous attack on my record. I would hazard a guess that the complainant might just have a link with another political party. I am accused of ‘pretending to champion student causes’. This reminds me of the Life of Brian – "What have the Romans ever done for us?"

When a Cardiff student was forced to suspend her studies following an accident, she found that she did not qualify for benefit because her student loan counted as income. I took up the case with the Parliamentary Ombudsman.

The ruling was reversed and all students are now protected against this unfair discrimination.

Following a scandal of a Cardiff letting agency withholding Bond money from students I proposed the setting up of a Cardiff Bond Bank. With the help of your union I persuaded the local council and the Welsh Assembly to back the scheme.

I have always fiercely opposed Top Up fees and put down the first parliamentary motion opposing the Russell Group proposals in June 2000. I have had several meetings with Estelle Morris during the last few months in which Top Up fees were regularly raised. I have already scheduled a meeting with the new Secretary of State Charles Clarke.

I represent more students than any other British MP, I take that responsibility seriously and I deeply resent the accusation that I do not.

Jon Owen Jones, MP for Cardiff Central

Contact With Many Members Dear gair rhydd, I was very surprised to read the comments of Floss Teacake with regard to the department of Language and Communication which appeared on last issue's letters page. As a 3rd year member of the department and VicePresident of the Communication Society I have had frequent and prolonged contact with many of the department's members of staff, yet have never found them to be anything but friendly, helpful and well organised! I'm sure that, like any other department, it must have it's off days but Carol and Julia have always found time to help even when other members of staff have been unavailable. They all have their own work to do, but open office hours are still maintained.

If these are still a problem e.g. due to lecture clashes, changes have always been made once staff have been spoken to. It is the Department of Language and Communication after all!

Ms. Teacake was perfectly right in her supposition that enrolment day is one of the busiest days in the university calendar but she also seemed to miss the fact that it also a day reserved for dealing with course-changing and, as you would expect, enrolling. It is just as stressful for those rejoining departments to have to wait until mid-afternoon to discover if all the paper-work has been processed, if the modules you are expecting to do are still available and even if the department still knows of your existence. The suspense is there for all of us. The specific reason for Ms. Teacake having to wait was simply so that the head of department could talk to her on a one-to-one basis to ensure that she was not leaving for the wrong reasons.

Judging by her comment on problems when asking for help with her coursework, it seems that this personal contact was very much needed. If it was urgent and she didn't want to see a member of staff, however, I am surprised that she didn't take advantage of the student reps system in place or speak to someone with the Communication Society. Both student reps and the Communication Society are there to listen and help Language and Communication department students as best they can, so no-one should ever be too afraid to approach them with problems. By working with the department, rather than simply within it, they are more often than not uniquely positioned to have both the experience of student problems and the knowledge of how best to deal with them.

I wish Ms. Teacake all the best at her new home department and hope that she has a very successful and happy academic career from now on. I would be very pleased to hear from her should she wish to contact me via the Communication Society.

Yours, keeping an ear out for her, Eileen Furze

To k e n G a y Dear gair rhydd, After dozing off in an unremarkable lecture I sleepily departed to find the new issue (11/11) of your paper stacked outside with the headline "Homophobic campaign targets halls students". I picked up a copy - shocked and saddened again. I'm very open about my sexuality and have never personally had any homophobic remarks or abuse directed at me. Maybe I was feeling a little sensitive after reading the lead article, and then about the departure of an LGB officer, and then the unions refusal to let us use Seren Las for our society night but I never believed I could become so furious with your mildly amusing student paper. After publicising the persecution some LGB students are receiving and then condemning it, I was stunned to read on page 4 of the GrIp supplement gair rhydd's top 100 Britons list with the inclusion of, and I quote, "Number 6 - Tony Hart (token gay)". Not funny. Very offensive in fact. Would you use 'Token black' as a descriptive reference? WOULD YOU FUCK. To be fair, you did include Brian Molko in your top Britons list without insult - how noble of you, and the 'Exodus from Jamaica' article was staunchly in opposition to homophobic insults and assaults, but in an especially sensitive week for LGB students please could you explain why you thought the above would be amusing and inoffensive.

Constructive, I think not.

Charlotte Heath-Kelly, pissed off 1st year.

Lettersdesk says: Nice to see that there are still some people out there who take EVERYTHING seriously.

Editor says: The extra letters page and editorial this issue to address the response to the lead article of a fortnight ago hopefully reflects how seriously we take the issue and will actively attempt to help solve it.

Sorry if you found the ‘token gay’ remark offensive; it, and the whole of the list, was meant to be merely a light-hearted, ironic gibe, at others who feel it necessary to bracket people in such a way.

Ta l l y - H o (kay?)

Snippets Dear gair rhydd, Having read the Sigur Ros review I felt compelled to write in and vent a bit. I’ve heard that Sigur Ros album and it’s not the epic masterpiece that it’s made out to be. If you want to hear challenging, deep music that also thrills then buy one of the first two Velvet Underground albums.

It should also be noted that the Velvets were the greatest group ever to feature a Welshman in inimitable Viola player John Cale.

Jon Griffiths Dear gair rhydd, I am writing to scream abuse at Pablo - 'the enthusiastic Roast Beef Monster Munch eater'.

May I state as a member of the fairer sex, that if you find Roast Beef Monster Munch to be a substitute for sex you young man are not doing right. Get it sorted 'Pablo' if that is your real name and get a girlfriend.

Helen Prothero 1st Year Eng Lit Dear gair rhydd, Eight Foot Tall Remedial, may I take this opportunity to thank you for suggesting that my dancing on the Solus Dance floor (1st Nov) was not to your satisfaction. I was overjoyed for the chance to visit casualty, especially after having waited for 2 and a half-hours, I had not seen a doctor. However in future I’d appreciate it if you’d simply tell me that you weren’t happy with my dancing rather than hospitalising me.

3rd year with a headache

Dear gair rhydd, Concerning the new Taf, as a long standing member of staff I feel quite well qualified to comment: The decor, well someone did ask for an Ikea catalogue over the bar the other day though this request was swiftly changed after a second look around to one from Argos!

But joking aside, as with anything you'll either love it, hate it or moan that it’s too bland to form an opinion on. You still cannot get a cheaper pint or shot of anything in any of the pubs in Cathays.

On another issue, referring to the LGB nights being cancelled, I’m sure the LGB society enjoys the benefits of union funding, transport, meeting facilities, counselling and even their own fully paid for officer, not may societies get that!

Dear gair rhydd, You know, after noticing a strange verbal tick in one of my lecturers I decided to amass a tally of his random utterances. And so it was, in a fifty minute lecture on Monday 11th November, between 2:10pm and 3:00pm, in the Shandon Lecture theatre, alongside writing notes, I totalled up the score of all of them I heard and can now announce that students in attendance that fateful afternoon may have noticed that the presiding lecturer said the word "OK" 152 times! Just a random fact that shouldn't take anything away from the fact that the lecturer in question is otherwise awesome and makes Anon each lecture enjoyable, in fact he sounds like Talksport presenter Ian Collins... but interesting enough Lettersdesk says: Thanks to all that I thought the gair rhydd should who have e-mailed letters in and know! Anon apologies to those not printed.

Please send your letters in to us at gair rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM. gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

BIG WIN CIRCUS

Competitions ● 13

gairrhydd, Monday 11 November 2002

++COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING++

The greatest box in the world T

his is perhaps the finest prize ever to grace the Circus. Expect the interest in this to be massive and thegairrhyddcomps@hotmail.com account to collapse like a lung in a furnace. For we have a mighty Xbox to give away! Xbox is on the search for the best student gamer in the land and is offering a grand prize of £10,000 for the student who can beat off all opposition to claim the title. Heats for the Xbox Play More Challenge are being held far and wide during the autumn semester with a grand final in London in December, where the winner will get the Christmas present of their dreams - a cheque for ten grand and a night with Avril Levigne, no questions asked.

The Cardiff heat will be held

This could be you! Wow, look at that explosion.

Ker-blowey!

Terrific.

Strictly men only gairrhydd Drop your answers and pigeons into the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electron-mail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps @ hotmail.com

T

hat’s This season’s right, style merges boys: Teenwolf era Michael J. Fox after last with Back to fortnight’s the Future era terrific Michael J. Fox. giveaway of £100 worth of Miss Selfridge vouchers, we have something for you! £100 worth of Topman vouchers are yours to win if you can answer the question below. As you may have gathered, Topman and Miss Selfridge are celebrating their 10% student discount as well as their new range of autumn and winter clothing.

This season’s threads include military and punk inspired knits, denim, tweeds, parkas, gilets, blazers and sheepskin coats... just the thing if you’re still dressed in shorts and sandals like I am. Perhaps I should just spend these vouchers myself... look at them... so small and yet so valuable... it couldn’t hurt, could it?

Win £100 of Topman vouchers What is the Topman website address?

A: B: C:

www.topman.co.uk www.menontop.co.uk www.mencap.co.uk

++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE TAT++

at The Woodville pub on 3rd December. If you can take on all comers to win you'll pick up a bag full of goodies including an Xbox console, some exclusive Xbox merchandise, a years' subscription to Computer and Video Games magazine and five of the best Xbox games (Quantum Redshift, Colin McRae Rally 3 TM, TimeSplitters 2 TM, Blade TM II and the earth-shattering Halo). What's more, you'll go forward to the national final in London where you will compete against the other 24 finalists for the grand prize of £10,000. To register to take part simply head down to the Woody and pick up an entry form from the bar.

If you can’t wait til then, or just don’t fancy your gaming skills, do In which venue is the not despair as the Circus has Xbox Play More Challenge teamed up with Kazoo to offer one lucky reader the chance to win Cardiff heat being held? an Xbox console plus a copy of all the games above simply by entering this A: Cardiff Castle competition. If you want to win this fantastic B: The Woodville prize riddle me the answer to the following C: Seren Las curious conundrum:

Win an Xbox and five games

BIG WIN CIRCUS

Competitions ● 13

gairrhydd, Monday 25 November 2002

++COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING++

The Winners Circle The question on everyone’s brains this month has been: who will win that lovely Xbox? Well, I can finally reveal that the Xbox has in fact been donated to a charitable organisation where it will bring joy and happiness to disadvantaged children.

Ha! Not really. The Xbox goes to David Heath You evil, evil bastard.

Does charity mean nothing to you?

Let us know the address to send the Xbox to by coming up to the office with your ID in hand!

King of the castle

I

n July 2001 Tom performed three sell-out open-air shows at Cardiff Castle. This DVD release captures a first-ever performance at the Castle on 28th July in front of a 10,000 strong audience, an event where Tom set out to give something back to his fans on his home ground. Few people realise that Cardiff Castle actually is Tom’s home ground, but of course he was born just outside the castle walls in one of the flowerbeds now frequented by tramps and whores. From what lowly beginnings comes this king of the throat! Of being back in Cardiff he says: "It doesn’t get any more exciting than this", while tucking into a T&A’s chicken kebab with sauce but definitely no tomatoes. ‘They give me wind, see,’ says the be-permed hitmaker.

Featuring all the classic hits from Delilah and Pussy Cat to more recent critically acclaimed tracks, the anthemic Sex Bomb, MTV awardwinner Kiss and Mama Told Me Not to Come, his homecoming DVD is sure to warm your cockles this winter as you pour yourself a hot scotch, lean on the mantlepiece and chortle along with Tom’s acclaimed singing Welshman act. . Both the DVD and VHS release also include

an insightful 20-minute interview with Tom where he discusses his background, the development of his unique voice, his eclectic catalogue of songs and the band members featured in this concert. The DVD also includes a photo gallery and discography and has a choice of audio settings to satisfy even the most demanding Tom Jones obsessive.

To get a little closer to Tom Jones without actually accepting his marriage proposal, win a copy of the DVD by doing the usual thingy with the thingy below.

Win a Tom Jones DVD Tom Jones is famous for a song about which Biblical character?

Don’t eat it gairrhydd all at once Drop your answers and pigeons into the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electron-mail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps @ hotmail.com

O

ur friends at Lush are renowned for coming up with products that look like sweets but is probably deadly if consumed in large amounts. Their cosmetics and bath ‘n’ shower goodies look and smell like something from Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory, but in fact come from a soap factory. They are soap. Perhaps I should reiterate: they are soap products. Please God, resist the temptation to just stuff them into your maw until you choke on your own frothy juices, blinded by chemical poisoning but happy in your death throes because Lush stuff really does taste as good as it smells.

Those of you who haven’t been completely put off, read on.

Lush on Queen Street are hosting a Lush Student Evening on Wednesday November 27th, offering mince pies, a 10% discount, freebies, massages and skin consultations to dirty scumbags like yourselves. We have an enormous gift box (worth £35) to give away, going by the name of The Big Chill.

It contains freeze shower gel, some Helping Hands, a Jack Froth bubble bar, Hair Strokes hair treatment, Pied de Pepper, Hot Java Ballistic bar, Lip Service, Snowcake Soap and a Wiccy Magic muscle massage bar. If this sounds like your idea of a night in, answer the question below.

Win a Lush Christmas goodie box When is the Lush Student Night?

++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE TAT++

A: B: C:

Satan Methusulah Delilah

More free drink

T

here’s nothing to pass the time like drinking cloying sugar and alcohol out of a big bottle while lying tits-up in a gutter. As if tapping into some deep-seated human need, Aftershock is offering one of you slathering fools the chance to win a lovely bottle of nice and spicy Aftershock. And Aftershock isn’t just about drinking: it’s also about larking around while dressed like a tit. Join your happy clappy comrades at the Sexy Santa Party in the Great Hall on December 7th, £2.50, 8pm ’til late.

Win a bottle of Aftershock What is the official After Shock Ritual?

Log on to www.shockingtimes.com to find the answer.

(Hint – look under the ‘Take a Deep Breath’ section).

03

GRiP

Union

Saturday 30/11

The Scooters +Noise Candy + Barker @ Clwb Ifor Bach £3 Rather pleasant indie tunesmiths return fresh from success across mainland Europe. Support band hope to impress.

Ally McBeal Night @ Mount Stuart Square Yes, you read that right. Not sure if there’s any music involved but we’re not that exclusive here anymore.

Mondays Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution.

Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend,’ it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, makes Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue.

Sunday 01/12

Tuesdays Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Weekly night of much hilarity and wine. )

Wednesdays Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00.

If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all the greatest hits from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle.

Thursdays Eighties Night @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

This years freshers intake might have missed most of the eighties

on account of only being at nursery school, but no matter. It’s never too late to learn about the greatest decade that music has yet to offer.

Spandau Ballet! Duran Duran!

Tiffany!

Fridays Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

“I’d be gutted that I didn’t buy my Lash ticket early,” was the cry in the Gair Rhydd office last year when we inevitably forgot to get our tickets early enough. Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night.

Saturdays Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3 Tree @ Cardiff Barfly 7.30pm, £4

Monday 25/11

Wednesday 27/11

Alice Cooper + LA Guns +Thunder@ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £25 adv Huge hoary rock type appears on a tour that is either titled, ‘Monsters’ or ‘Legends’ of rock; it doesn’t matter which. I once found a Thunder backstage pass and kept it for years like a small child proud of a crystal. It has since been lost, you must surely feel lost if you’re willing to pay £25 to be here tonight.

Adam Snyder + Michael Eden @ Cardiff Barfly 7.30pm, £5 See left.

Tuesday 26/11

Die Another Day. Starring: Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry Bond celebrates his 40th year with this really rather good installment. Guns, fast cars and sex, with a tendency towards self parody. Pretty good stuff.

Thursday 28/11 Vacant Stare + THIS Girl + Jpy Truant + 5ive @ Vision 2K 8pm, £7 The next installment in Vision’s attempt to re-establish itself. On this occasion, they’re trying to make it with the metal types. This is part of the Rock Sounds tour and the bands are just one component of an evening that continues into the early hours.

The Veils + The Dealys + Tourniquet @ Cardiff Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Spunge + Farce + Spankboy @

Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, £1 Laid back sounds in Seren Las. Top notch.

Taf Quiz Usual format. Even the BBC’s autumn TV schedule doesn’t beat this!

Solus, Students Union 7.30pm, £8 Ska-punk from Cheltenham. Bound to be popular regardless of the abuse I hurl in its high direction from this column.

Friday 29/11 Amy Wadge + Shuagnessy + Aled Clifford @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Just call and she’ll be there. Amy is there for you. It’s just a shame that she’s rarely up to the job and tends to shout a lot about how we should all buy her records, (allegedly).

Nickelback + Default @ Cardiff International Arena 9pm, £24 Simply horrid. Remember when you were a small child and they made you think of alternatives for the word ‘said’. Suggestions for alternatives to the word ‘horrid’ welcome at the usual e-mail address.

David Holmes Free Association @ Bristol Academy 9pm - 3am, £10 A fine and funky platter served up

by Irish DJ maestro. All this for less than half the price of Nickelback.

Why not suggest it to a friend who lives conveniently close to Bristol Academy.

Fabio @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 Drum’n’bass celebrity does his thing without Grooverider for once. Sure to be an excellent night as usual.

Monday 02/12

Badly Drawn Boy + support @ Great Hall, Students Union 7.30pm, £15 See left.

Levellers + guests @ Bristol Academy 7pm, £15 Thank goodness they’re not playing here again.

Tuesday 03/12

The Vandals + Tsunami Bond + Audio Karate @ Newport TJs 9pm, £9 Showing the slightest interest in the Vandals is one of the offences that caused Steve Lamacq to lose his job. Go along and thank this bunch for that and rush for the train home before they go near their instruments. Check stage times to avoid the support. Anyone still using the word ‘tsunami’ and thinking themselves clever like the Manics deserves to suffer. Anyway, Gorkys did it first!

Wednesday 04/12

Vega 4 + Jinxed + Vibration White Finger @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 We need all the friends we can get so I’ll cautiously say that since Vibration White Finger like us, we love them. Not so sure about the rest. Anyone remember Scott 4?

Where are they now?

Finch @ Newport TJs 7.30pm, £7 Punk-rock shenanigans at TJs and yes, you can get the train home easily.

Friday 06/12 Sexay Vegas Superstars + Psychid + Sopha @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv To think that I had an idea that one of Sexy Vegas has gone solo. I feared the future of the band may in jeopardy. Thank goodness they’re still with us.

Doves + The Delgados @ Great Hall, Students Union 7.30pm, £14 Overpriced university tour mayhem.

See left. By the way, is anyone else excited about the prospect of seeing Chris Rea next February in Newport on his ‘Dancing Down the Stony Road’ tour? Oh, just me then?

DJ Yoda @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 Another Hustler endorsed event from the hip-hop DJ last seen wowing the crowds alongside Roni Size in Solus earlier this year.

Saturday 07/12 Pretty Girls Make Graves + Your Enemy’s Friends + Midasuno @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv Named after one of the best Smiths songs and that’s all I know. 10 weeks ago that would have been enough to see me pay my way, but now...

Sunday 08/112 King Prawn + Sonic 6@ Barfly 3pm, £tbc Awesome ska types who make a lot of noise have shaved heads, beards and generally look great.

Perfect photo opportunities beckon providing you’re not stuck behind a pillar. If only Sonic Boom was involved with Sonic 6, now that would be an afternoon to look forward to.

Coming Up An exciting set of events to come as you sit back and look with dread at that exam timetable one more time.

Tuesday 17th December Madness @ Cardiff International Arena, £23 Wednesday 29th January Counting Crows + Gemma Hayes @ Cardiff International Arena, £21 Wednesday 12th February The Coral @ Great Hall, Students Union, £9.50 Actually looking forward a lot to the arrival of this lot. Hype or top-dog?

Films on release in Cardiff...

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Starring: Daniel Radcliffe One of those raritites where the sequel is actually better than the first one. This one has a bigger and better storyline, is a bit more scary and, at times, genuinely funny. A bit less ‘cuddly’.

28 Days Later Starring: Cillian Murphy, Christopher Eccleston.

Excellent adventure blending the time old zombie genre with apocalyptic overtones. Fella wakes from a coma to find he’s all alone but for a few million undead neighbours. Thank you Danny Boyle.

Bowling For Columbine Starring: Michael Moore Challenging, left wing documentary style film involving those magnificent Yanks and their killing machines! Expect lots of views you won’t agree with, and a lot of chunky asses to behold.

Morvern Caller Starring: Samantha Morton, Kathleen McDermot.

An intriguing tale of a woman who jumps into her dead boyfriend’s shoes, taking the credit for his newly finished novel and escaping her bleak existence as a result...

Get There

Blue @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £20adv Another pre-Christmas excuse for you to invite younger siblings down to stay. They’ll playing for the next three nights Melys @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £5 Part of the Welsh Music Awards series of gigs. Melys are truly excellent yet for some reason have never quite made the leap into superstardom. Go and show them some support.

Dopamine + P45 + Lucky Bean

The Guthries + The Nothaves + Gecko @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 What Starsailor are to Tim Buckley, the Guthries are to Woody Guthrie?

I do hope not! Go along and find out.

Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster @ Bristol Louisiana 8pm, £6 Absolutely awesome.

Omid Djalli @ The Glee Club Not strictly music, but excellent comedy from the dear people at the Glee club, who have leapt to my aid, as I hopelessly attempt to fill these columns.

Sundays

The Kills + TBC @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Bright hopes not to be confused with the Morrissey approved The Thrills.

Cardiff’s listings in full

Live Music

One of the UK’s top student night arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2.

Starshaped @ Seren Las 9pm, £2 Indie, rock and generally alternative sound courtesy of newly crowned gair rhydd legends, Rich and Pete. If the music wasn’t enough, there’s drinks promotions too.

Lubby Nugget + Shooting Goon + Fletcher + Blind Freddy @ Barfly 3pm, £4 Another pathetically named band grace Barfly and hope to do a Bowling for Soup. Shooting Goon have been trying for months, years probably, to achieve that feat and failed. Support them, but be prepared to queue as the kids that grace these all ages shows aren’t allowed out every night of the week.

Beverley Knight + guests @ Bristol Academy 7pm, £16 Soul superstar begins another jaunt across the country and once again doesn’t make it to Wales. She’s a real star though and everyone hear loves her so you should too.

Thursday 05/12

04

Get TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’bass DJs are promised in ultra-student surroundings.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am. Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm.

Gay venue. Chart and Dance.

Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares ‘Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm ‘til midnight. Surprisingly good fun.

All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Featuring Jason Donovan (Oct 14).

Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hip-hop/ pre-gangster rap/ battle breaks/ electro-funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money.

Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in!

Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of vodka.

Salsa Night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and dance. Who’d have thought it?

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm. I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska punk night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJs.

Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm.

Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place though. It’s a shame that there’re no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and funk in plush surroundings.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and old skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace.

Check it out.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay venue. Student night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott!

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

80s Night @ Barfly Barfly parades its late license and introduces a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. Maybe they’ll play Hefner’s The Witch Is Dead just to reinforce the mood, even though it’s not from the 80s. A Town Called Malice is more likely though, I suspect.

Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and dance.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS. As if Britpop needed reviving with Space on the prowl.

Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature.

Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4 R’n’B and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings.

Fridays Sweat Shop @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Ground floor) 9pm, £3 A loud start to the weekend with a feast of emo, stoner rock and metal.

Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7 The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop. Featuring DJ Yoda (Dec 6).

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live bands and rock, alternative DJs. Cadence @ Bar Essential Free entry. Deep house, Afro Latin and nu jazz. Sounds awesome; support it.

Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and house out on the bay.

ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS Hard house night featuring regular guest DJs. Cool House @ Emporium £8 Excellent night that periodically returns to the city. Featuring Radio 1’s Yousef on November 8.

Saturdays Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not-very-funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. Six

rooms, three-floor balcony, games room and garden terrace. Well worth a look!

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene.

More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike.

L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US garage night.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Sugar’n’Spice @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3.

Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, smart dress.

If the price, the dress code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house.

Cadence @ Bar Essential Free, see Friday.

Roadblock @ Vision 2K 10pm-5am, £15 November 30 only: special one-off event featuring Slimzee, Kenny Ken and a host of others from the world of jungle, garage and drum’n’bass.

Twisted By Design, Upstairs @ Dempseys £2.50 NUS Happening alternate weeks, and featuring alternative sounds. Good laugh for all those who think that Belle and Sebastian deserve knighting.

Sundays Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays, except with the added promise of guest DJs.

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps you’re the DJ spinning the decks, or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Furthermore, I know nothing about the distinction between deep, dark, hard and progressive house, but would be happy to learn. Educate me by emailing gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com.

Similarly if there’s an event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know and we’ll replace it with something equally exciting.

Sport In salute of the capital’s recent sporting achievements, gair rhydd introduces Sports Listings. Go on, the rules of rugby are easy to pick up and no one will notice if you shift allegiance for three years.

Societies Yoga Society Membership just £10 a year. Simply come along to classes on Tuesdays, 12-1pm or 1-2pm in the Council Rooms, 4th floor of the Students’ Union. New classes have just been announced. You can now go along on Thursday, 4.30-6pm, too. For further enquiries contact Jo at RobinsonJ4@cardiff.ac.uk.

Irish Society All members are invited to go on a trip to Galway. The trip will take place late on Thu 28 November, returning on Sun 1 December, and costs a mere £45. [Get There says: for those of you who’ve never been, Galway is one of the most wonderful places in Europe. I have no affiliation with the Irish society, but henceforth regard them as wonderful people - they have Get There’s eternal respect.] If you want more info on the trip then email: cardiffirishsociety@hotmail.com

Society Events Politics Society Monday 25 November, 7.308.45pm, Wallace Lecture Theatre, Main Building.

The Politics Society have organised a debate with the topic of ‘Britain in Europe’. An excellent panel has been assembled to discuss the motion that ‘Britain’s interests are entrenched in Europe’. Jon Owen Jones MP (Labour), Jenny Randerson AM (Lib-Dem), Jonathan Morgan AM (Conservative) and chair David Rowlands (UKIP Wales in Europe) are also scheduled to attend.

Each speaker will present their case for five minutes and then the remaining time will be questions from the floor.

Act One Pantomime: Peter Pan, November 25-30 in the Great Hall. Bar opens at 7pm, performance starts at 7.30pm. Tickets available from the box office in the Students’ Union.

Alt and Shift Tuesday 26 November, 12pm, Glamorgan Building 0.85.

Alt and Shift have organised a talk by two Israeli “refuseniks” ( Israeli military personnel who have refused to serve in the occupied territories and who believe that the Israeli policy towards the Palestinians is wrong. A fascinating and rare chance to hear these people speak. For more information, please contact Andy Williams on llantwit@hotmail.com Christian Union Carol Concert Monday 9 December The Christian Union Society and the Union are organising a Christmas Carol Concert in the Great Hall in the Students’ Union.

No home fixtures

Chaplaincy Society (cathsoc-l@cf.ac.uk) Wednesday 20 November: Meet the Chaplains. A question and answer session with the University Catholic, Methodist and Anglican chaplains. Starting at 7pm in the Anglican Chaplaincy, 61 Park Place.

Sunday 24 November: Visit from Archbishop Peter Smith.

Cardiff Rugby

Regular Meetings

Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk)

(www.cardiffrfc.com) No fixtures

Internationals (www.cardiffstadium.com) Keep an eye on the web for further information.

Friday 29 November Wales U21 v New Zealand U21 Terrific encounter at the Arms Park to add a warm tingling glow to your Friday evening.

Debating Society Meet every Thursday in one of the Union Rooms. Contact CardiffDebate@cf.ac.uk for more information.

Film Society Meets every Tuesday evening at 7.30 pm either in the Societies Lounge or in one of the fourth floor conference rooms. Weekly screening held at UGC, showing a selection of alternative, cult and

classic films. Screenings are at 9.30pm. £2 admission for members, £3 for NUS. For more information, contact cardifffilmsociety@hotmail.com Funky Arse Disco Dancing Classes held every Wednesday in New Liberal Social Club on City Road, near Roath Park. Beginners’ class is 2-3pm, Intermediates 3-4pm and Advanced 4-5pm. Classes cost £1 each and membership is £5.

German Society Meets every Wednesday at 8pm in the Crwys Pub. Free membership, open to all.

Hindu Society Fortnighly Screenings of Bollywood Films at Birt Acres Theatre in Bute Building on Wednesdays at 6pm.

People and Planet Weekly meetings on Tuesdays at 8pm in the Union, either in the TV lounge or in one of the meeting rooms on the fourth floor. Contact peopleandplanet@cf.ac.uk RAG Meet every Monday, 8pm in Buffers in Solus. Contact RAG@cf.ac.uk

Socials English Society Xmas party on December 3, held at BSB. There is a buffet at 7pm for up to 20 people (£5), then a party starting at 8.30pm (£2.50); contact CFENGSOC@hotmail.com.

Hispanic and Italian Society Xmas Dinner and Party at the Hawaiian Restaurant on City Road, on 2 December. Tickets cost £8 and this includes cocktails and a one-course meal.

Indie Society and Live Music Tuesday 3 December @Barfly 7.30pm - 2am.

Featuring four live bands and DJs playing the best in indie/ alternative music. Tickets in advance - £2 Live Music Society/Indie Society members; on the door - £2.50 members, £3.50 non-members.

LGB Society Thursday 12 December: “Cream“ night in Seren Las. Live Music 25th November - Band Night @ Moloko. For more info, then please contact LiveMusic@cf.ac.uk RAG Xmas meal on December 9.

Contact RAG@cf.ac.uk Calling all societies! Want your event listed in these hallowed pages? Email us at gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com

with details of your event and we’ll put you in touch with the student masses. Don’t hang around before letting us know either. Often you’ll need to give us about two weeks notice to ensure that you feature in the paper, so get moving. Alternatively, if you want more information about a society or event, then please contact Laura Welsh, Societies and Union Secretary, on WelshL2@cf.ac.uk

Misc.

The Big Sleep December 6 Sleeping rough in town to raise money for the homeless. If you’re interested in raising some funds and having a laugh, come to the meetings: Wed 27 Nov, Thu 28 Nov, Tue 3 Dec, 6.30pm, SVC office, third floor of the Union. ever raises the most money gets a bag full of tasty goodies. Contact: bigsleepcardiff@yahoo.com

ookreviews s

GRiP

05

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE WINNER OF THE MAN BOOKER PRIZE 2002 LIFE OF PI Yann Martel (Canongate)

W

hether or not Yann Martel’s Life of Pi was a worthy winner of the Man Booker Prize 2002 is a matter open to much debate.

Certainly, prior to its victory, both the novel and its author were relatively unknown and sales were uninspiring.

However, isn’t that always the case with obscure new fiction?

Life of Pi tells the story of Piscine Molitor Patel, a relatively normal young man, albeit one who was named after a Parisian swimming pool and is simultaneously a practising Hindu, Christian and Muslim. Following the sinking of a cargo ship carrying himself, his family and the contents of their zoo to Canada, Pi finds himself in the middle of the Pacific ocean in a lifeboat with only a hyena, a zebra, an orangutan and a Royal Bengal tiger for company. After an appaling demonstration of natural selection and the indisputable power of animal instinct, the sole survivors Pi and the tiger, the amusingly named Richard Parker, remain crewmates until the lifeboat is washed up on the shores of Mexico 227 days later.

Unfortunately, however, this unusual voyage does not commence until about halfway through the novel. Until then, bearing in mind the blurb on the back cover, Pi’s setting of the scene by relating the circumstances of his childhood in India has a kind of ‘what the hell is going on and where the hell is this going’ aspect to it. Intersecting this from time to time is the voice of the story’s author, presumably Yann Martel himself, or at least a fictitious version of him, who has tracked Pi down later in life to hear his tale and use it as the basis for a novel - confused yet? You

MAN BOOKER PRIZE 2002 SHORTLIST: Family Matters

by Rohintin Mistry

The Story Of Lucy Gault

by William Trevor

Unless

by Carol Shields

Fingersmith

by Sarah Waters

IF YOU LIKED THIS:

I

f the story of a boy lost at sea captured your imagination, why not try the original story of a castaway which, incidentally, was the English novel written in the first person narrative, Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe. It tells the story of the eponymous narrator as he spends over twenty years marooned on a desert island.

Alternatively, if you need something to (legally) life your spirits, Paulo Coehlo’s The

Dirt Music

by Tim Winton Dirt Music: Was 11/2 odds to win

Alchemist could be just the job. A young shepherd is encouraged to see the world by a mysterious stranger, and learns a number of valuable lessons about life and love in the process.

Otherwise, why not plump for something from this year’s Man Booker Prize Shortlist.

Have you got a suggestion to make? Think that the world has overlooked the best read ever written? Then why not let us here at Books know? Mark your reviews ‘Cult Classic’ and we’ll see it makes its way to the right place. Why not look at the review of Heller’s classic Closing Time over the page, to get some inspiration.

will be. All this makes for a rather muddled and at times incoherent opening, as the setting flits backwards and forwards in time. This is nothing, however, compared to the sting in the tail contained by the last couple of pages, which make you doubt everything that has gone before it, leaving you flicking back to the beginning in order to read it again, obviously the author’s intention in including that part in the first place.

Either that, or the showcasing of a perverse desire to fuck around with the reader’s perception which, after all, is what the majority of the novel does, showing the ways in which the substance of what is perceived to be human nature can so rapidly change according to circumstance and the need for survival.

However, that is not to say it’s not worth reading. While hard going to begin with, there are parts that are pure genius, combining humour with a kind of matter-of-fact yet tongue-incheek narration that ensures you can’t fail to care about the central character and what becomes of him, which is a good thing considering that the second half of the novel takes place almost entirely within the confines of a small metal boat.

The scene in which his three religious gurus confront each other as to their charge’s fluctuations of faith while his nonplussed parents look on is a delight, while the apocryphal zookeeper tales give you more amusing information about the habits of animals in captivity than you will hopefully ever need to know. Saying that, once having read the novel, if you ever find yourself in the middle of the Pacific with only a tiger for company, you will know exactly what to do to both survive and while away the long lonely hours! Jane Eyre

06

GRiP

Deadly Secrets THE BURIED SOUL: HOW HUMANS INVENTED DEATH

Taylor differentiates between the different forms of cannibalism such as survival cannibalism where the dead are eaten out of necessity and ritual cannibalism where the dead are consumed for religious purposes.

Although the focus throughout the book is with attitudes towards death the reader also learns of many ancient civilisations such as the Scythians and other interesting facts such as the origin of the word scapegoat and how Russia and Bulgaria got their names.

The Buried Soul can at times be a grisly catalogue of mankind’s brutal and savage nature. Taylor spends much of the book describing violent ritual murders. One such example is the multiple rape, torture and execution of a slave girl by a Viking tribe to enable their chieftain to ascend to Valhalla the hall of the Gods.

Timothy Taylor (4th Estate)

T

he Buried Soul is the latest book from the author of the acclaimed Prehistory of Sex, Timothy Taylor. In The Buried Soul Taylor examines the concept of death and how it was perceived and dealt with in different societies throughout history. Taylor adopts an archeological but entertaining style as he explores various topics such as changing burial practices, sacrificial killings and cannibalism.

There have been a number of different ways of disposing of the dead throughout history, from cremation to ground burials to exposure to the elements. Taylor describes how the development of funerary rites was linked to the development of the concepts of death and beliefs in the existence of a soul and of religion.

The funerary rites varied between cultures and between different periods but many involved sacrifices to please deities or to ensure the safe passage of a soul to an afterlife.

One of the main revelations in The Buried Soul is the evidence of widespread cannibalism in prehistoric times. Although abandoned by most civilisations some forms of cannibalism persisted until the twentieth century particularly amongst small isolated tribes-people for example the Atchei Gatu cannibals in Paraguay.

In one particularly harrowing chapter the author describes the ritual killing of a young child common in parts of southern Africa to obtain Muti, a special magical medicine: “After the parts have been cut away from the body, the elements (fingers, ears, genitalia, subcutaneous fat, parts of the scalp and so on) must be wrapped in different coloured cloths.

For the Muti to be powerful… the victim must be kept alive throughout most of the dismemberment” The Buried Soul is undoubtedly a wellresearched and fascinating book but is far from light reading and can often come across as particularly dark and macabre.

One particularly interesting aspect explored in the earlier chapters is the differences in this country between Victorian and present day attitudes towards death. The Victorians held sex to be a taboo subject but death was accepted and a common part of popular culture. Today by contrast the situation is reversed.

The theme of present day views on death is continued in the closing chapters with a description of ‘visceral insulation’. This is a term used by the author to describe how modern society has become sheltered from the hard realities of life. An example of this is the fact that most people will go their whole lives without ever seeing a dead body.

The Buried Soul has been a thought provoking and thoroughly entertaining journey into prehistory and back. The reader comes away with a better understanding of our history but also the concept of death and how it effects us.

“Death and taxes” as the saying goes.

Simon Baylis

A Tom Bullough (Sort Of Books/ Penguin)

T

he promotional blurb that came with this book instantly prejudiced me against it. Its description of a bunch of chemical fuelled exstudents from Brixton, on the run from homicidal drug dealers and the law collectively, made me think it was going to be another Irvine Welshlite bit of pulp. I thought that it was trying to cash in on the aforementioned author’s success (honestly, we need another novel about drugs about as much as we need another film about east end gangsters featuring Vinnie fucking Jones).

As I started the book, nothing really happened to change my opinion. The story basically follows a group of failed students, all united through their love of acid (hence the title A; clever, innit!), who decide to start a production line of the stuff in their attic. Needless to say, they end up fleeing to the Brecon Beacons in order to escape the nasty gangsters they’ve ripped off, and the obligatory inept policeman.

God knows why they went to Brecon though. Realistically, even if they escaped the gangsters they’d blatantly end up getting buggered by a group of fun seeking locals who hadn’t seen anyone they weren’t related to for years.

On the way, there’s the

usual mix of drug taking, careless sex and over the top violence. The characters too are so predictable that you know what their going to be like before you open the book. The Afro’d stoner, the sexy nympho pill head who’ll shag anyone, they’re all here!

However, as unoriginal as this sounds, this actually gets seriously good as it goes on.

Predictable as they are, Bullough lends the characters a depth of expression and emotion that is rare in any genre of novel.

The fluidity of his writing captures the pointlessness and emotional emptiness of these peoples lives perfectly as they fall into one chemical induced stupor after another, and he even manages to weave a razor sharp strain of wit into his narrative.

All in all, ‘A’ lacks the sheer dark violence of Irvine Welsh, but for someone’s debut novel this has a lot to recommend it. Luke Lindsay

A:OK

CLOSING TIME Joseph Heller (Simon & Schuster, 1994)

now a wealthy businessman and is working on an invisible, noiseless attack bomber that travels faster than light. The new characters are equally amusing and well drawn, including an oncologist who is convinced that cancer is simply a microcosm of Darwin’s evolutionary theory. There is also a President, known as ‘The Little Prick,’ who is frightening close to George W Bush.

Closing Time can be read as a sequel, perhaps it is eager to be, as it often refers to the events of Catch 22. But having read Heller before is no pre-requisite to enjoyment of this book, as pretty much what ever he refers to he explains. Received wisdom about this author is that after Catch 22 he never lived up to his potential. I think Closing Time is actually better than its precedent. He writes in more voices, covers more ground and experiments with different styles of prose throughout. It is the work of a great

twentieth-century novelist at the top of his powers and the end of his patience, and it deserves to be read at least as widely as his first novel.

Although someone should tell that to Waterstones because they act like it doesn’t exist. Vince Stephen

Books

C

losing Time is the sequel to the highly influential and much praised Catch 22. Those who have read the first book may have a little difficulty warming to Closing Time initially, mainly because the hero, Yossarian, is now in his mid-eighties and is completely different. He once claimed he would live forever, he now gives himself ‘seven good years’. He once rallied against hypocrisy and authority but now appears to have been subsumed by ‘the system’.

However, it becomes clear that Yossarian’s character is far more complex than this. He was never a pinup for any ideological group - he was always and remains an individual, dealing with an insane society. After the initial shock this novel, written at the closing time of Heller’s own life, proves to be a worthy sequel, an excellent

work in their own right and a far better eulogy for the author that the posthumously published Portrait of the Artist as an Old Man. As Closing Time is such a sprawling and complex book, it is almost impossible to give a plot synopsis. In parts it is a story of WWII veterans and the effect that conflict had on their lives. Sometimes it is a moving rumination on the ageing process. It is also a hugely surreal and viciously satirical take on the moral death of Western society. Admittedly this is no new theme, but the beauty of Closing Time is that it doesn’t lay blame in easy places. It uses the metaphor of human mortality to show that the decline of the West is encoded in its very nature; like everything else, it will age and die.

None of this is to say that Closing Time is not extremely funny. We are reunited with characters from the first novel, among them the Chaplain, who is now a nuclear threat because he is pissing heavy water, and the entrepreneur, Milo Minderbinder, who is

reviews

Cult Classic Corner

07

STONE

STONES IN HIS POCKETS

BY MARIE JONES NEW THEATRE

‘Ole Mickey’ – the last surviving extra from The Quite Man to Ashley, the twenty-something wannabe film producer. These characters are not only tones In His Pockets hilarious but also caused the audience memorable, and extremely to collapse with believable. laughter. The play, set in The set, was simply a rural County Cork, Southern backdrop of an extra of Ireland, shows the effects of cinema roll printed with a a Hollywood film team on a perfect blue sky, props were small village. Seen through two trunks which were used the eyes of the principal throughout the performance characters Jake (Hugh Lee) to improvise as tables, a bed and Charlie (Malcolm and a coffin. The Adams). Stones In His sparseness of the set did Pockets uses humour to not distract from the present the social and performance; it allows the economical problems audience to free their created by poverty. imaginations to create their Hugh Lee and Malcolm own visuals.

Adams play all eight There are several themes characters in Stones, which within Stones In His is confusing at first, but the Pockets; the most bizarre of audience gets used to it. these is the theme of cows.

This character changes are The Friesian cow is a shown through the actors’ prominent feature on the stance, characteristics, or flyers of Stones In His costume. The characters Pockets and a prominent portrayed differ vastly from feature within play.

Stones In His Pocket the Representing uses humour to unity, present the social and livelihoods, hope and economical problems continuity.

They also are created by poverty.

the all seeing eyes, viewing the social and economic poverty that is destroying rural Ireland. The audience like the cows, are all seeing, we can read between the lines, and can identify the arterial motives, and preempt actions of characters.

The theme of the American dream is particularly significant within the play.

The fantasy of the film set represents the fantasy of the American dream. As the play progresses the fantasy element within the film dissolves to reveal a harsh, cruel world, as Caroline, the spoilt American film star reveals that ‘It’s all shit’.

Stones In His Pockets is a reference to the suicide of one of the characters, a result of rejection and disappointment. This provides the focus of the play and Charlie and Jake’s resolution to provide a dream of their own.

This is an incredibly clever production with an amazing script. The talent Hugh Lee and Malcolm Adams is tremendous; the play is hilariously funny and heartbreakingly painful yet hopeful. Kate Price

S

RAIN DOGS

BY PEARSON/BROOKES WITH ED THOMAS CHAPTER ARTS CENTRE

T

he set at chapter was set out in an unconventional way, with the audience sat in an ‘L shape’ along two sides of the room. At this point it was obvious this was not going to be your average, slightly wacky play, but something extraordinary, new and raw. Described as a ‘new media performance’ Rain Dogs is a creation which collaborates film, sound and live performance against the backdrop of Cardiff. Two big screens faced the audience,

This was about discovering something personal through impersonal mediums

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hat’s right, folks - it’s time for our yearly dose of taste-free sexobsessed hilarity. This year’s pantomime is none other than Peter Pan, the story of a student who never grew up!

Get pissed, (it’s only £1.20 a pint!) and expect to laugh till you puke. Just don’t expect Shakespeare, ok?

25-30th November Great Hall, 7pm £5 (£4 with NUS MondayWednesday)

John Holman: Wees in his trousers

Arts

I sat with the feeling I was being watched as I was shown twenty monologues and films accompanied by live texts about the ‘rain dogs’ of Cardiff.

The screens showed CCTV footage of the city and ‘home video’ style clips of each individual whilst the texts, read live by actors, portrayed their lives in the city. Using all matter of metaphor, onomatopoeia and linguistic technique which avoids direct language and clarity, we were exposed to juxtapositions of sound, poetry, feelings and thoughts to express interpretations of Cardiff.

It wasn’t until these monologues were repeated in reverse order on film that a

Friesian cow: Symbolic

reviews

both presenting a live projected image of the room and the audience taking their seats.

began to be able to assign each character an identity and understand a small part of their story: a sexually frustrated street cleaner; a tramp and a criminal Burger King chef. All the CCTV footage showed the characters at different parts of Cardiff at exactly the same time.

Everyone, including the DJ in the back corner, mixing live sounds to add to the film and texts, were dressed in the same black suit and what would normally be behind stage (the mechanisms of production) were on display to the audience.

Many different takes on the symbolism might be read into these subtleties, but I doubt that there was an overall message or moral. This was about enquiring into a specific moment, discovering something personal through impersonal mediums.

It was depressing and tragic, and demonstrated improvisation and experimentation at its weirdest!

Certainly a different way to spend a Sunday evening!

Leonie McFarlane

IT’S PANTO TIME!

RAIN DOGS

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LUZZIN’ CLUB LUZ CHAPTER ARTS CENTRE

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was expecting Club Luz to be a computer graphics based multimedia presentation. What we got in fact was a set of songs, sound-tracking a solo live choreographed performance and a black and white video projection. The performance was a set based on Trent, a character from Sam Fuller’s 1963 B movie, Shock Corridor. Trent is a black inmate at a mental asylum but thinks he is white and a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

That’s the description of the film, but the problem with so much contemporary or experimental art, is that it’s often very hard to find a connection between how the artist gets their influence and the material they produce. If you hadn’t read the description beforehand, you wouldn’t have known that this performance would have anything to do with that at all.

We are told that at Club Luz, Trent comes to believe he is a white Welsh female singer and the whole of the performance is based on this.

There weren’t many props or much interaction between

THE ZOO STORY: A ONE ACT COMEDY

BY EDWARD ALBEE CRWYS THEATRE

the performer and other sorts of media. The projection was played out and images included a woman doing martial arts and a giant millipede swimming around in the background. With no effect on other sources, watched by itself, the video would have been pretty repetitive. No matter; it was a very stunning, stripped down performance.

The set was only one large elevated black stage, a microphone stand and a background video projection.

In the spotlight was Trent, played by a woman, Eddie Ladd, who for 45 minutes would be the live focus in a solo performance, which was at times neurotic, frantic and emotional.

A slim but masculine white woman dressed in a leather motorcycle jacket with cropped spiky hair, jumping up and down and jerking and scratching to begin with, she imitated the action in the video projection. At times she was scary, crawling towards the audience before starting to sing. When she does, the voice is a surprise,as it is so sweet and choir-like, it is such a contrast to her previous personality.

What really made the show was the music. It seems to be

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he Act One thespians Adam Porter and Nick Phillips took on the challenge of this short, twoman play with some very unusual consequences.

Performed in the cramped conditions of the Crwys Theatre, The Zoo Story was certainly a most eye-opening exhibit. The

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an important part of Eddie Ladd’s productions, having got Tystion in for her last production, Scarface. Here it is Dewi Evans, one half of welsh enigmatic outfit Rheinallt H. Rowlands, who provides us with twelve electro tech-trance numbers with lush surround dynamics.

The real highlight is when she sings a standard Those Were The Days, most famously sung by Welsh singer Mary Hopkin, who was discovered

by Paul McCartney. Here the song is sung in a slower, beautiful cabaret style (“Those were the days, my friend/We thought they’d never end”), perfect for the noir setting.

American composer Gene Raskin wrote the lyrics in the ‘60s but the melody’s origins can be traced back to an old traditional Russian song.

By including this song, perhaps Eddie is trying to demonstrate that perceptions of origin and race will always run in society, when in fact noone can trace the true origins of where anything comes from, and heritage is, in many ways false.

Pauline Cheung

plot involved New Yorker Peter (Phillips), who reads his paper daily on a bench in Central Park, one day experiencing a strange ‘meeting’ with social oddity Jerry (Porter). From then on both of their lives are changed beyond belief.

The scenery was sparse; only a bench and some army netting, but the busy and engaging dialogue provided ample

entertainment to the otherwise simple setting.

Jerry tells Peter his long, manic stories of a nympho landlady and her savage dog, his entire collection of belongings, his strange detachment from human life and the demise of his parents, whilst Peter

listens,uncomfortably. And this was the whole play!

There is just this one continuous scene and a collection of anecdotes housed within it. These tales never got boring, though, as perhaps could have been the case. Jerry with his quirky manner and compelling descriptions kept the audience gripped throughout. You were really able to ‘see’ the things he described too and you wanted to know more. When he pointed to the aisle and said ‘there’s Fifth Avenue’ it really did become the streets of the Big Apple and you could almost hear the bustle of the city around you. The jokes were funny in an off-the-wall ‘should I really be laughing at this?’ sort of way, but I’m not sure it should have really been pigeonholed as a comedy. I found it very, very tragic, and the sad moral social comment is what really shone through all the laughter.

There were a few things at fault with the play, the notoriously tricky ‘Noo-Yoik’ accent, for example, slipped at times, especially from Porter who did most of the talking. Also, although the shock suicide ending had

me at the edge of my seat I was genuinely annoyed that the real ‘Zoo’ story had never been properly resolved and this spoiled it a bit. I felt that there were a few loose ends that should have all been tied together, which meant leaving the audience slightly unsatisfied.

All in all, The Zoo Story was a very modern, experimental idea that perhaps in the end didn’t quite work. However, it did feature some superb quality Act One acting and made for some very interesting viewing, especially the recurring joke about the parakeets! Keep up the good work guys!

Melanie Harrison

‘Jerry tells Peter his long, manic stories of a nympho landlady and her savage dog’

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BOND IS BACK IN...

All the Bonds. All the Baddies. All the Babes.

GRAVES

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FROST

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Premium Bonds: Goldfingerlickin’ Good The original and best, Connery set the mark as the quintessential Bond. Although Ian Fleming was originally against the casting of Connery, he later admitted that Connery was everything that he had wanted for the role. Cool, calm, collected but an absolute tiger in a fight, and a total hit with the ladies, Connery was, is and will always be James Bond.

For One Film Only Golden Eyebrows Attempting to step into one of the most famous roles in history would be no easy job for anyone, let alone a little known Australian model and untrained actor. From the start George Lazenby was destined to fail. Although On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Lazenby’s only turn as Bond, is much better than most people claim the controversy that surrounds Lazenby’s casting overshadowed its merits.

Sophie Marceau as Elektra King

Michelle Yeoh as Wai Lin

Although our generation grew up with Roger Moore playing Bond on our TV’s almost every Sunday afternoon, most contemporary students believe that Moore is the best Bond. But repeated viewings of his films, ruined by ridiculous plots and immature Carry On style sight gags, clearly display that his portrayal of the super spy is cheesy, sleazy and soft.

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend: Jill st John as Tiffany Case

"No Mr Bond, I expect you to treat me like an equal"

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here is something that inherently bugs me about James Bond films.

Ursula Andress as Honey Ryder: Hard to beat

Whereas fans see a daring and cool protagonist, I see an irritating twat, with a personality somewhat akin to that of a sleazy old man, propping up the bar and eyeing up the girls at a sixth-form disco.

Of course, the sexism debate is not a new reaction to the films by any means; many a feminist critique has been launched at the man with the golden gun, but not so glistening relationship morals. And though these (occasionally justified) moral crusaders make many a good point, it is not really the portrayal of women that I find so very disturbing.

In fact, the lady that lulls Bond into bed often has an ulterior motive, backed by the squad of other Bond despisers, of neatly disposing of him.

This seems completely justifies as, lets be honest, after a brief period together, even the most under-thethumb ensnared admirer, whose intentions were wholly genuine, would tell him to stick the pompously requested martini up his arse.

No, what really is more disturbing

Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore: “I must be dreaming”

than the depiction of females within the films, is the very male reaction to Bond himself.

Whether my irritation is due to the fascination of awful ex-boyfriends is unclear. I suggest more likely it is merely the fact that anytime anyone goes in 'crazy' fancy dress to anything, (a concept in itself depressing) 88% of males present will arrive, singularly, as Bond.

Boys, have some imagination.

Wearing a suit and holding a 'hilarious' water pistol, whilst poorly attempting a Connery impression does not make you more attractive to the opposite sex. In reality, it is as repelling as a dose of the clap. Which you would be sure to have had, if miraculously you’d managed to have had sex, if following Bond’s protection (or rather lack of) tips as well.

The repetitive storylines, the predictable speech patter, the big explosions and ‘impressive’ special effects, all to try and make you forget these shortcomings, don’t work for us ladies, but seem appreciated my men. I haven’t seen Die Another Day, and have no intention to. I shall leave that to the more easily pleased sex.

Denise Richards as Christmas Jones who, unfortunately, only comes once a year

Famke Janssen’s Xenia Onatopp puts Brosnan’s Bond in a bit of squeeze

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The Tuxedo Legacy ?

You Only Star Twice Timothy Dalton is usually considered to be the second least popular Bond after George Lazenby. Although he attempted to return some of Connery’s smooth coldness to the role, this sterness inhibited Bond’s natural playfulness. Despite this, Dalton’s two thrilling outings in The Living Daylights and Licence To Kill were a similar return to form of the pre-Moore days.

Licence to Thrill

Tomorrow Never Knows

Super suave and sophisticated, human yet brutal, Brosnan combines all the best about his previous incarnations. He both looks and sounds the part and has visibly matured throughout his three turns as Bond. Brosnan has promised to return to the role in the future meaning that things can only get better.

Although Brosnan will more than likely play Bond again, it’s Filmdesk’s duty to suggest others for the role. While the likes of Bruce Campbell and Jack Black will enhance the one-liner-bility of the role, more serious candidates could be Jude Law or Ewan McGregor, who could both maintain Bond’s smooth but dangerous character.

Unarguably the best megalomaniac/henchman pairing: Gert Frobe and Harold Sakata play Goldfinger and Oddjob

Christopher Lee’s titillating portrayal of arch villain Scaramanga: The Man with the Golden Gun

Evolution of a Modern Spy

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Christopher Walken’s Max Zorin gets intimidated by Grace Jones’ May Day

Once bitten, forever smitten: Richard Kiel as Jaws

Jonathan Pryce’s wimpy media mogul, Elliott Carver

Film

Robert Carlyle feels no pain as the rock hard Renard

bounder and cad. Nowadays it’s a wholly different kettle of fish.

Imagine if you will, the consequences today of operating undercover with such disregard for European, international law and foreign policy. The paper work alone would take an age as the bureaucrats attempt to explain and justify MI6’s actions to The Hague, the E.U. and NATO. Then there’s the sexually transmitted infection that Bond can now add to his arsenal. It’s somehow difficult to imagine Sean or Roger saying, when it comes to the moment; ‘Sorry Love, just hang on while I wrap up the old fella’.

So there it is. James Bond will have to evolve if he is to survive.

This means always carrying a condom, finding a good lawyer, getting written permission before removing any items of underwear, and generally being a jolly nice bloke.

Kinda takes the sting out of it.

bond special

Donald Pleasence: The original Dr. Evil and best Blofeld

t’s a hard life being a vicious killing machine in today’s social environment.

It’s not just evil megalomaniacs bent on taking over the world like Blofeld or Goldfinger, or fearsome henchmen like Jaws or Oddjob that you have to fear.

You have to consider not only the moral questions raised by assassination, murder and international espionage, but also the personal issues raised by the constant seduction of vulnerable women and the destruction of property which could lead to costly lawsuits from irate foreign governments, private enterprises, international crime bosses and evil tyrants.

Such is the life of the spy: such is the life of James Bond.

It was easy at the time when the first film instalments based on Ian Flemming’s excellent novels came out.

A man was expected to be sexist, exploitative, and a general

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extremely important that Die Another Day, Pierce Brosnan’s latest attempt at playing the British eing the twentieth film in super spy, was brilliantly movie history’s longest memorable. running franchise, and Unfortunately, for Bond marking the fortieth anniversary fans everywhere, it is not. of James Bond’s original outing Recently, hopes have in 1962’s Dr. No, it was never been high. When it was first announced that the writers of the disappointing While infiltrating The World Is Not Enough, would once again ink the an illegal arms script for Bond 20, the deal in the outlook has not been good. demilitarised Despite this, Die Another zone in Korea, Day begins promisingly.

An action packed James Bond is hovercraft chase dominates captured

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WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

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attempting to assassinate General Moon.

Bond must find out who set him up, and follows Moon’s right hand man, General Zao, to Cuba where it seems not all is as it should be. . .

the testosterone fuelled precredits dash, action that continues throughout Madonna’s much criticised theme tune.

From here, however, the film instantly heads downhill.

As Bond goes AWOL and sets out to hunt down his aggressors, the plot skips from exotic location to exotic location with very few reasons why.

Everyone knows that Bond films follow a set structure, but the scriptwriters for Die Another Day seem obsessed with rushing through this formula, at the expense of pace, plot and even a decent script.

While looking absolutely great, and making a super sexy, ‘Ursula Andress-like’ entrance, Halle Berry is quite unconvincing as the

RELEASED: NOV 20th CERTIFICATE: 12A RUNNING TIME: 135mins Bond, James Bond: Pierce Brosnan Jinx: Halle Berry Gustav Graves: Toby Stephens Miranda Frost: Rosamund Pike M: Judi Dench Q: John Cleese Falco: Michael Madsen Dir.: Lee Tamahori Scr.: Neal Purvis & Robert Wade

American agent Jinx, who seems too delicate to do any real damage and is also incapable of normal speech.

Practically every line becomes an attempted quip, which become increasingly tiresome.

When the action transports to the mysterious Gustav Graves’ Ice Palace, things start to slightly improve.

The Ice Palace itself is similar to one of Blofeld’s mega lairs, and Graves’ cocksure manner, modelled on Bond himself, provides the Bond franchise with something that it has been missing for many years: a decent bad guy.

Coupled with the smoulderingly intense General Zao, this partnership reminds the viewer of such genius megalomaniac/ henchman pairings as Goldfinger and Oddjob.

The contrasting images of fire and ice are visually pleasing and it is in Graves’ Ice Palace that Bond begins to show many weaknesses as his own methods are used against him with devastating results.

Gustav Graves’ wit and charm are a match for Bond’s own, Miranda Frost uses him sexually in an unexpected turn of events, and General Zao’s mini gun and rocket-laden Jaguar is almost a match for his

gadget fuelled Aston Martin, as he chases him across a frozen lake in the films’ most exciting scene.

These promising points, however, cannot raise Die Another Day from the levels of average.

It’s clunky script, convoluted plot, and obsession with using shoddy computer graphics to force Bond into sillier and sillier action scenes makes it quite a childish effort, as it attempts to match the excess of the recent xXx. The days when Connery’s, or even Timothy Dalton’s, Bond saved the world in an over the top, yet somehow believable fashion, have been forgotten, paving the way for a Roger Moore style gag fest.

Neil Blain

FINAL WORD Despite having a silly script and plot, with its explosive action, and widespread appeal, the Bond franchise will continue to succeed and will surely live to Die Another Day. However, maybe it’s just nostalgia speaking, but this latest effort is distinctively disappointing.

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RELEASED: OUT NOW CERTIFICATE: 12A RUNNING TIME: 81 mins

CAST Colin Hanks: Shaun Brumder Jack Black: Lance Brumder Shuyler Fisk: Ashley Kevin Kline: Marcus Skinner John Lithgow: Bud Brumder Dir.: Jake Kasdan Scr.: Mike White

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icture the scene: a well-furnished living room, a young man is trying desperately to impress two very important guests.

But when his brother bursts in hunting down a missing urine sample, things look less than rosy.

Especially since the said urine sample is poised delicately at the lips of one of the guests.

Welcome to Orange County. Welcome to the teen comedy. You'd be forgiven for claiming that this stagnant genre was dead.

Hell, you'd be forgiven for rejoicing in its demise. But apparently there's spunk in the old dog yet (even after Van Wilder had, quite literally, drunk it dry).

Mercifully, there is an attempt here to cut back a bit on the gross-out nonsense, to focus instead on a sweet-natured tale with

likable leads and a solid supporting cast.

Anchoring this redirection is Colin (son-of-Tom) Hanks, as lead Shaun, who thinks his talent will go to waste hanging about with his surf friends and insane family.

Hanks carries the film confidently with the same casual, easy-to-root-for charm that made Pa a star about 15 years ago.

Opposite Hanks, is Jack Black as Shaun's loser brother Lance, always found nearby when thinks start to go pear-shaped.

After the brilliant High Fidelity but lacklustre Shallow Hal, Black gets back on track here, walking through a role surely written for him and providing most of the best gags.

But despite its good intentions the film never really shakes the shackles of the genre, resorting to stereotypes, predictable jokes and at one point, even

Surfer-cum-wannabe writer Shaun longs to escape Orange County to study under his literary idol at Stanford University. When his application is mistakenly rejected, he, his girlfriend, and his permanently spaced out brother hit the road to get his dreams back on track.

a goddamn dance routine.

Yeah, there's less of the toilet humour, but not enough original stuff in its place.

Director Kasdan is on the right lines but it's all been done so much that what we're left with is just another teen comedy.

Ian Taylor

FINAL WORD A good cast, featuring the promising Hanks Jr, and effortlessly funny Black - plus a nice procession of comedy cameos - makes this worth seeing. It's also good enough to bet there'll be more from the teen comedy stable before long. But what needs to be asked is, is that really a good thing?

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ANITA AND ME

RELEASED: NOV 22ND CERTIFICATE: 12A RUNNING TIME: 92 mins CAST Chandeep Uppal: Meena Anna Brewster: Anita Max Beasley: Hairy Neddy Sanjeev Bhaskar: Papa Ayesha Dharker: Mama Dir.: Metin Huseyin Scr.: Meera Syal

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

ORANGE COUNTY

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Tenacious Movie

Meena is a 12 year old Indian girl who grows up in a deprived but eventful mining town. Meena longs for the blonde hair and good looks of her elder neighbour Anita and the two become firm friends

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nita And Me is a BBC backed social comedy similar to East Is East in that it examines the relationship between different ethnic groups in Britain and has themes of racism and broken homes which attempt to hold up the ambling plot and ropey acting.

The female lead, Chandeep Uppal, holds her own amongst half the cast of Goodness Gracious Me, and is well supported by the delectable Anna Brewster who will, if there’s such a thing as justice, go on to better things than this.

The soundtrack is of the time, 1970’s, and full of classic rock and roll that set the scene well for social change in Britain.

Apart from that and an amusing Crocodile Dundeeesque scene involving a Granny with a knife, there’s not much to this average addition to the British film industry.

Richard George

FINAL WORD Although occasionally funny and moving, Anita And Me is not highly original and holds few surprises.

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A brit shit?

Valleywood Tuesday 26th November

Wednesday 27th November Closing Night Special: The John Malkovich Perspective The Dancer Upstairs 7.30pm – Malkovich’s first feature film as director, a political thriller set in Latin America about a police investigator attempting to capture a violent terrorist. (Follows Hideous Man, a short film also by Malkovich)

Film

Intacto 7pm – Max von Sydow stars in this stark, gripping and stylish thriller, as the cool master of luck.

8 Women 7.15pm – An all star French cast heads this much hyped murder mystery romp.

Australian Rules 9pm – Explores the tensions between friends united by sport, divided by race.

Flying With One Wing 9.15pm – A revolutionary South Asian film about a woman mentally tortured by communal homophobia and sexism.

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The Cardiff International Film Festival of Wales has been running at UGC Cinema since the 21st of November and runs until the 27th of November. The festival has been showing a wide range of interesting films, promoting both new talent, animation and documentary from around the globe.

Luckily there is still time to catch some of the films on show, but hurry because the closing night of the festival is Wednesday 27th. The remaining films are all shown at UGC Cinema, Mary Ann Street, in the centre of town, and are expected to sell out, so you would be advised to ring the UGC ticket booking line on: 0870 9070739 to book tickets.

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The ‘Head: Warts and all MOTORHEAD/ANTHRAX/SKEW SISKIN/PSYCHOSQUAD Newport Centre All the way to Newport and I find myself in what can only be described as a High School Gym. I’m surprised to discover that I’m not the youngest there; possibly because Ace Of Spades has just been included on the sound track to Tony Hawk’s ProSkater 3. Lemmy is also trying to reach younger fans with the new track Serial Killer duet with the WWF star Triple H. So apart from the seven year olds being dragged along by over enthusiastic parents trying to re-live their lost youth, there are some typical fifteen year old wannabe moshers here too.

Skew Siskin have not released an album since ‘99 their material is old an dated, their sound and look is of 80’s thrash metal. Originally from Berlin, they are friends with Lemmy and have been touring with Motorhead for ten years. Nina C Alice commanded amazing stage presence with massive strong vocals unfortunately the musicianship of the others could not match her backcombed peroxide barnet. Skew Siskin were reasonably good, but 20 years too late.

Anthrax finally arrive in Europe after a four year absence and have not been on Welsh soil since 1993. Anthrax are the founders of speed metal and the mosh pit is soon in a frenzy. Their first album was released in 1988 but tonight they mainly keep to the tracks off their long awaited new album We’ve Come For You All. This is unsurprising since there is no longer a single member of the original Anthrax lineup in the band due to Scott Ian’s recent departure to front VH1’s rock show. They do not appear to

THE "SPIN ‘EM EDDY" FRESHERS BALL The Great Hall / Seren Las Judge Jules, headlining the union ball? What a revelation...

The legally qualified DJ was supported in the Great Hall by Gareth Griffiths who, incidentally, looks not a day over fifteen. Unfortunately, his run of the mill selection of tunes and uninspiring mixing meant he appeared to many as just some kid on work experience who had blagged the gig, as opposed to a rock-solid house DJ. On then to Radio1 house music oracle: the vested Judge Jules.

Complete with his trademark goggles, he played a two hour set of varied house music, at times hard, deep, funky and commercial. Mixing dance floor-fuelling records, faced with an enormous ear to ear grin, he kept the mass of dancers packing shelves right to the deadline.

Briefly taking time out and stumbling to Seren Las, the scenes were still more awesome. After respectably competent warm-up sets from Chico Fresco and Westone, Grooverider played his usual hectic blend of ragga orientated drum and bass. Clearly the more notorious of the two headliners, he dropped a plethora of beats by the likes of Krust and Peshay, to name but two. A strong performance from the two headlining DJs once again rewarded those with the inclination to patronize yet another successful union ball.

Andrew Davidson

FEMME NAMELESS Toucan Club ‘We are the elusive wind and the firey sun; the rain and the storm and the calm; we are Femme Nameless, you are ...’Cardiff!’

Something special has happened.

Tonight only, Cardiff has bound together as one. Dreadlocks, townieshirts, short skirts and long beards - all dancing together, submerged by the rhythm; everyone beautiful, everyone happy.

And this is the beauty of Femme Nameless. No matter who you are or why you’re there, you cannot help but join in the theatrics of it all. Femme

miss him tonight however and brought amazing energy to Newport. With a pounding bass line and strong vocals Anthrax simply RAWWKED! Lemmy’s autobiography White Line Fever has just been released alongside their new album Hammered , and double DVD band autobiography Boneshaker, so it is no wonder they’re finally touring.

After a long period away from the UK, the band are met with a warm welcome, unsurprising as this is guitarist Phil Cambell’s home soil. Lemmy treats us to his knowledge of the Welsh language with a few broken sentences spat out.

They opened with the predictable classic We Are Motorhead, and a massive 21 track set follows; fast and furious and only losing momentum when a technical hitch brings Campbell to a standstill. However, nothing could faze drummer Mikkey Dee who carried off a ten minute drum solo leaving the audience yelling for more.

Their set was amazing proving that,at nearly 60, this ageing trio would still bring bands like Linkin Park and Sum 41 to their knees.

The encore was spectacular, with a massive plane shaped lighting rig that was manovered over the band during Bomber, followed by Ace Of Spades and the crowd went wild.

Proving they haven’t lost their touch Motorhead were amazing, and I wasn’t the only girl there either!

Rachael Howarth

Nameless are a ten-piece, all-female, Afrobeat band of mixed ethnicity; a Polyphonic Spree of all that’s rhythmic.

Hailing from New York, they persistently apologise for the rustiness of the tour’s first date but few seem to notice.

For those not fans of funk, Femme Nameless prove to be an eye-opener.

The evident passion the band dedicate to their songs is stunning and, while perhaps better suited to a live venue, the songs maintain a charm and rhythm which only the most static among us could ignore. Sometimes even drumkits can seem beautiful.

Dave Gibson

NOXAGT / MOUNTAIN MEN ANONYMOUS / BOTANOPHOBIA Clwb Ifor Bach It’s not often one sees a drummer/violinist, but then the same could apply to most things about Botanophobia. They bill themselves as an "experimental noise quartet", by which it presumably means that what any instrument is doing at any one time bears very little, if any, relation to what the others are up to.

Conventional musical structures flit by on occasion, and for about ten seconds midway through the set they sound like Beck, but the normality swiftly gets buried alive by a rabid clarinet solo. It’s mildly diverting, but after a while Nurofen is very definitely needed.

On a purely sonic level, Cardiff postrockers Mountain Men Anonymous are tremendously effective: think Mogwaiesque repeated riffs, Mogwai-esque crashing crescendos and Mogwaiesque feedback climaxes. But, although unoriginal isn’t the worst epithet which could be attached to a band, it’s something of a flaw in a genre which is based around bringing something new to the table of rock.

It’s not one you could apply to Noxagt, at any rate. A Norwegian trio of drums, bass and viola (yes, viola), theirs is a cerebral, deliberate punk spirit; inso far as they sound like anyone at all, it’s reminiscent of Nirvana at their most stripped-down and raw. Each number is a two-minute instrumental explosion of rumbling,

Motorhead:Hardcore sideburn action

Photo:Rob J

juddering bass and ferocious, concise melody; through it all, the viola - played like the rock’n’roll instrument it should be - dances like a mad old lady.

Thrillingly extreme. Alex Macpherson

MISS BLACK AMERICA Swansea University It’s a bizarre paradox that in spite of the massive impact the Manic Street Preachers have had on popular culture over the past decade, we’ve seen very few Manics-esque bands emerging in their wake. Where the rise of Oasis spawned the success of Cast, Embrace, Northern Uproar etc, the Manics ten years of music, mayhem and controversy has seen very few people willing or able to follow their lead. Maybe it’s the fact that Manics fans tend to be literary types rather than musos, or just that the Blackwood boys are a hard act to follow, but those few bands who can cite the Manics as an influence have usually turned out to be hideously embarrassing (think King Adora, and hold on to your lunch).

One band that may yet buck this trend are Miss Black America, four politico-punks from Bury St Edmunds, who have spent the past year touring like they’ve no home to go to. The undisputed centrepiece of the band is their frontman Seymour Glass (I’m told his real name is Steve, but we won’t hold that against him) who looks like a cross between Richey Edwards and Jarvis Cocker and has the stage persona of a whirling dervish being attacked by a wasp. Opening with the fast’n’furious Infinite Chinese Box, Seymour solemnly informs the crowd "We’re Miss Black America, and we’re a bunch of cunts. If anyone wants to meet us outside to give us a kicking, it’s richly deserved."

One thing that’s so striking during the band’s 40 minute set, is what a natural performer Seymour is. By turns self-aggrandising and self-deprecating, Seymour bounds around stage like a man possessed, pausing between songs to deliver witty asides to the audience, such as when he introduces the acerbic Human Punk (‘God’s good children are playing outside, learning to cheat, learning to hate,learning to fight’) by caustically dedicating the song to the band’s "love of Jesus." So

far, Miss Black America have received a mixed press, but one thing they’re proving tonight is that they’re a genuinely energetic live band with lots to offer both in terms of music and politics.

So far MBA have attracted a small cult following of disaffected glitter kids pining for Saint Richey, but it would be a shame if they stayed in this bracket, because this band certainly have more to offer than simply post-Manics karaoke. Philip Dore

THE MARTINI HENRY RIFLES / MIDASUNO / JARCREW Clwb Ifor Bach "We’re raising money for dogs with three legs" Jarcrew’s impish drummer rambles while above him runs a film of his penis drooping from a pair of tin foil pants, contradicting the "soup for homos" scrawling on the bass drum.

But it’s not for the aid of lopsided canine, or indeed hungry homosexuals that the three loudest bands in Wales have been brought together, but to raise cash for soup runs for the homeless of Cardiff.

Jarcrew have been playing under everybody, in front of nobody for yonks now, certainly the spectacle of frontbeast Kelson swiping clothes from audience members and smashing a flaming pumpkin into sweet-smelling smithereens demands more headline slots. Not to mention his band’s jacked up Pixies art-bellow which tonight crunches with raucous energy.

If Jarcrew are the kids you picked on at school, Midasuno are the snotty gimps you bullied within an inch of their lives. Pig-ugly, mal-coordinated and shitly dressed between them one only hopes they scrub up better for the Welsh Music Awards where their intelligently melodic valleys-punk mash will win them the ‘best unsigned band’ medal.

You should be familiar with the shakin’ and stirrin’ punk thrills of The Martini Henry Rifles by now. The band as usual sparkle with the energy of a billion underground American rock bands caked with Pritt-Stick and rolled in glitter. Heads nod, eyes pop, hearts are won and minds are lost, all in a night’s work for the dirtiest dogs in Cardiff. Fall in love…now.

Jamie Fullerton

15 Craig Nicholls:scuzzy boy

GRiP

HIGHLY ENTERTAINING

Photo:Gemma Jones

THE VINES/ NADA SURF Bristol Academy

MUM & DAD / POLANSKI Clwb Ifor Bach Polanski’s music consists not so much of songs as constructions. Each is built around a rock-solid melodic foundation over which fragmented vocals, guitars and synthesiser strangeness is layered. They’re not structures you’d find in any conventional architectural textbook, though, constantly shape-shifting in both sound and emotion; even the traditional post-rock juxtaposition of delicate and thunderous sneaks gradually up from nowhere. Episodic and cerebral, Polanski manage the farfrom-easy accomplishment of adding a new twist to the basic Mogwai template.

It’s hard to see what template, if any, Mum & Dad use as their starting point, though the twists they put into their music are plain for all to hear. It’s singularly disconcerting stuff: though they ease us in gently with some rather lovely trip-hop. The first number ends with an ominous gong which reverberates through the room and up our spines. Then they split our heads open with what sounds unnervingly like a pneumatic drill. Scary-ass singer Clair Pearson, meanwhile, is prowling the stage like a serial killer on the search for victims while vampishly crooning what appears to be a 1930s jazz standard.

All in all, it’s proof that your Mum & Dad do indeed fuck you up, though not always in a good way. When they’re good, they’re very good indeed; it’s when the strangeness begins to fall apart that they live up to their moniker and become faintly embarrassing.

Alex Macpherson

RAY DAVIES St David’s Hall While all generations are seemingly well represented, it’s unsurprising that the average age of tonights audience is leaning up towards the fifties, but as Dedicated Follower Of Fashion kicks in it’s clear that they all still remember the words. Always the performer, Ray plays to get his audience involved, treating them more like his family than his fans, he sings to them and they sing back. Sunny Afternoon and All Day And All Of The Night, are greeted with similar rapture, and while a chance to play some of The Kinks greatest hits, it is also an opportunity for Ray to play some of his new material. With a new album out next year, Ray treats his loyal followers to some of the new songs as well as reviving some lesser known and forgotten about Kinks tracks.

Into the second half, and with the solo material out of the way, it’s back to the party. Reminiscing between songs about his childhood, Dave and his time in The Kinks, Ray rocks through another bunch of greatest hits, You Really Got Me, Tired of Waiting For You and Waterloo Sunset all make an appearance, whilst the man himself clowns around on stage, clearly still enjoying every minute of it. Saving the best till last, a great rendition of Lola sees fans of every age out of their seats and up to the front, as ever nervous looking security guards looked on, scared of a fifty-somethings stage invasion.

A song writer of great talent and a consummate performer and entertainer, Ray Davies is one of Britain’s living legends, and tonight proves that at 58, he’s still more than got it in him. Rob J

LOSTPROPHETS / MOVIELIFE / DOUGLAS Newport Centre This show was the one that all the kids had been waiting for: the local

heroes homecoming after a long period of absence on tour in the states and , if the turn out is anything to go by, it doesn`t look like anyone`s forgotten about them in that time.

Douglas already have legions of fans amongst the audience and gain some more through their bouncy melodic punk. My only criticism would be that they`ve been playing a lot of these songs for nearly five years now, it`s about time they brought in some new material. Despite this fact, they put on a great show and prove that they`ve got what it takes to play gigs this size.

By the time Movielife play, the crowd have worked themselves into a frenzy, with kids flying through the air all over the centre. The audience lap up Movielife’s flawless brand of fast pop punk and sing the words back to the stage as if this is one of their favourite bands.

However, all this is only a warm up to the band that virtually everyone is there to see, and when the Prophets take the stage the place goes apeshit.

The first half of the set is fantastic, every song is filled with energy and their hardcore roots (ex members of Public Disturbance) are far more apparent live. However, after they play The Fake Sound of Progress they seem to lose direction a little. The root of this problem is, despite some fantastic songs, their set has a lot of fillers which are one dimensional and plain boring. They really need to take the time to write more material which is good enough to be played by a headlining band.

All in all, a great show, but the headliners are going to have to work if they’re going to avoid being just another flash in the pan trend. Luke Grahame

ADAM F/MIXITMOTO TOUR Solus Fun factory was once again taken over by a sponsored night of epic proportions in the form of the Mixitmoto tour. The aim of the event was to showcase local DJ talent and chose a winner to go on to the national finals in London later this year, plus an appearance in the film Its All Gone Pete Tong.

The Junction was the location for the battles and out of the six challengers Pete and Steve emerged victorious after pumping out enough bass-heavy tunes to ensure that even the seated masses were jumping. For those longing for original Fun Factory dance tunes, DJ Rod provided in Buffers, which by the end of the night was rammed as the faithful happily ignored the chaos in Solus. As a

prelude to Adam F, Carnage and MC Supa Dupa commanded the main dance floor combining club favourites like DJ Marky’s LK and Un-cut’s Midnight with darker tunes that fitted Supa Dupa’s vocals perfectly. When the headliner finally arrived on stage the crowd were already in a frenzy, and the night went off the hook with the intro from KAOS signalling the beginning of a mad set by Adam F. After a quick tour through the heavier realms of drum and bass, the night finished up with a sly nod towards Adam F’s new hip-hop direction with M.O.P’s Ante Up - producing several audible whoops of joy from grown men, and a crush of girls running for the dance floor. And that is surely the greatest response that any DJ could ever hope for.

Amy Watkins

FUGAZI Bristol Academy The Bristol Academy was packed to the rafters and for a good reason as the legendary Washington DC hardcore crew Fugazi had come to town. Walking on stage the band were greeted with a screaming ovation from the crowd and immediately launched into their set with the ferocity that they are well known for.

For this tour Fugazi decided to use a second drummer to play on a few songs which gave the music an almost tribal effect and lead to some interesting syncopated rhythms as the two drummers frantically exchanged fills with each other. The band played for nearly 2 hours and by doing this they were able to play songs spanning their entire 15 year career from classic songs such as Waiting Room and Repeater all the way through to material off their latest album The Argument.

However what was most surprising to many people in the audience was the band’s excellent interaction with the crowd which showed, contrary to popular belief, that this band do know how to have a laugh and are not the serious, humourless group that they are so often portrayed as.

Although the set was relatively long it rarely got tedious, as the contrasting sounds of Guy Picciotto’s long drawn out power chords intertwined with Ian McKaye’s choppy guitar created an interesting depth to the sound. When this was coupled with McKaye’s raw vocals and Picciotto’s emo style voice it wasn’t difficult to see why Fugazi are constantly cited as a major influence for many modern day rock bands as they truly are the kings of the Washington hardcore scene and a phenomenal band in their own right.

Chris Martin

Music

These all ages matinees at the Barfly are really starting to mess with my body clock! There’s nothing more disorientating than exiting a gig into blazing midday sunshine (or pissing rain in this case) when normally you’d expect to be trudging home to a post–mosh shower and a warm bed.

Garrison, quite unsurprisingly, blew the crowd away and stole the show with their blend of big rocking numbers (a la Hundred Reasons and Hot Water Music) and quirky indie rock (in the vein of Jets To Brazil), all played with visible passion as the singer flung himself around the stage like a ballet dancer on ketamine! A hard act to follow to say the least.

After that performance, it seems doubtful that any band could come even close to matching the quality seen today. However, Kids Near Water

(featuring Brian from the now defunct Exeter legends Annalise) are gonna have a pretty good shot at it and explode straight into their first song, instantly getting a large proportion of the crowd singing along.

Their sound occupies the middle ground between Braid-esque convoluted indie rock and the uplifting melodies (call it emo if you will) of bands like Clairmel, and the crowd seem to love it! However it’s all over too soon, and as I leave the Barfly I discover that it’s only six o’clock and ponder the question, "what the fuck am I gonna do now?” Luke Grahame

live

KIDS NEAR WATER/ GARRISON Cardiff Barfly

As the NME Term Warfare tour hits Bristol, it’s obvious that New York emo outfit Nada Surf are loving every minute of being in the spotlight again. With a set consisting of mostly new tracks from the recently released Let Go, the crowd are obviously impressed by the ‘Surf’s energy and punchy pop songs. Highlights include the foot stomping The Way You Wear Your Head and Blizzard Of 77 alongside old favourites like Popular , which goes down a storm with the mainly fresh faced crowd tonight.

The Vines, also on blistering top form tonight, deliver an astounding set. Even from opener Outtathaway, it’s apparent Craig ‘gurning’ Nicholls isn’t entirely with us as he maniacally stumbles around the stage fighting the microphone lead. Slightly maniacal yet utterly mesmerising, it’s clear to see why the slender form that is Nicholls is so tantalising for his fans. True of any gig where the band are deemed sexy, by now the crowd are foaming at the mouth, so in order to calm the frenzied teens, the delicious weed-smoking lullaby Mary Jane is up next, followed by an explosive mixture of punky, angry anthems and quieter yet seductive tunes.

Crowd pleaser, the indiesque cover of Outkast’s Miss Jackson and hit single Get Free seem to be the definite hightlights tonight. Whilst new tracks Amnesia, Evil Town and set closer Fuck The World are proof that the Vines phenomenon will definitely continue for a long time yet. Gemma Jones

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GRiP THE THRILLS Santa Cruz (You’re Not That Far) EP Label?

That they are Irish is hidden. That they went to America for inspiration is very apparent. This is so West coast America you can feel the Pacific at your feet. Their sound is that of The Beach Boys chilling out with Belle and Sebastian with the The Byrds frolicking in the background.

You’ll hate it. I did. But on the third listen The Thrills seminal mind messages kick in. You will love them because their sound wants you to.

Richard Samuels

★★★★

ED HARCOURT Still I Dream Of It / The Ghosts Parade Heavenly Records What can I say, even though its written

by Brian Wilson, this sounds like an Ed Harcourt record. Ed’s frail, heartwrenching voice sings about “That happy day when I fall in love”, (Note sarcasm). Okay, its not that bad, with it’s piano led rhythm it sounds like a Disney ballad, but the psychedelic electric guitars at the end make it sound slightly eerie.

The Ghosts Parade sounds a bit like Kate Bush but written by himself this time. Pauline Cheung

★★★

Nickelback:Chad’s haircut never again

BLUE STATES Season Song XL Recordings Taken from the soundtrack to the latest Brit horror flick, 28 Days Later, Season Song is an amalgamation of crisp beats, funky but sparse instrumentation and haunting choirs.

Very much from the darker side of chillout, a la Massive Attack, it’s not a classic but is still well worth a listen.

Rob J

★★★

JENNIFER LOPEZ Jenny From The Block Epic “It’s Jenny from the block/she is down to earth and knows where she came from”......somehow I doubt it! J Lo’s new single is proof that this star has got her head in the clouds. She is one of the most demanding celebs with an entourage of over forty people, yet reckons she is still the girl next door.

Whatever!

I still find my head nodding ‘diva stylee’ to this one. It’ll get stuck in your head, but will you be asking the DJ’s of Cardiff to “Play that Motherfucking song”? Let’s face it, we all love a cheesy tune from the Latino goddess of pop! Leonie McFarlane

★★★

KINESIS Billboard Beauty Independiente Sounding like the bastard love child of Hundred Reasons and Feeder with a pop-punk twist, Kinesis, which sounds like an STD, are very competent in their music playing ability for a band where the average age in the group is only 17. However their singer sounds like he has a permanent cold and they lack a certain spark that could distinguish them from the hoards of similar sounding bands that are around at the moment.

Although with youth on their side maybe there are better things to come.

Chris Martin

★★ NICKELBACK Never Again Roadrunner Records This band has issues, generally belonging to lead singer Chad. This song is him venting his spleen, again.

The obligatory missing father and evil exgirlfriend rear their ugly heads once more.

Set to the usual fare of a heavily overdriven guitar, Nickleback have come up with another halfway likable track. But please guys, get some new subject material and cheer up!

Chris Pietryka

★★★ MILLIONAIRE Champagne PIAS A wonderfully scuzzy piece of rock from Belgium’s Millionaire, who were wonderfully described as industroeuropop when they supported QOTSA in the Union last month. The Queens’ influence is immediately obvious, with a distorted funky bassline and huge riffs dominating this record, ominously fizzing, popping and bubbling over like, oh, let’s say… champagne (sigh) into a vocal section that wants nothing to do with conventional song structures, and then back into the riffs to finish.

Superb. Jon Griffiths

★★★★

LOOPER She’s a Knife Mute Answers on a postcard to anyone who can go from being in Belle and Sebastian to writing several successful novels and then onto producing some of the most tedious and tepid music imaginable.

As far removed from his former band as is possible, this is either a bad pastiche on Craig David style brit R’n’B, or it is just a poor attempt at brit R’ n’B. Both are equally bad ideas for bespectacled scots, and not even a squelchy remix by the unutterably cool Ladytron saves She’s A Knife from the cut. John Widdop

★

CHRIST Pylonesque EP Benbecula Beautiful Scottish electronica that isn’t from Boards Of Canada? Well actually it sort of is, as the pompously monicered Christ is an ex-member of the reverendly followed Scottish group.

And musically he’s no slouch either, with 7 tunes of spiralling melodies, disembodied voices and downtempo beats. The bizarrely titled Spengly Bengly stands out above the rest, but

this EP still towers over 80% of the electronic music released this year.

Andy Parsons

★★★★★ ALTERNATIVE 3 Push Floating World Records This is loud and brash. It’s hard to think of a mood for when you would want to listen to this electronic bleep and bass assault. Perhaps if you wanted to piss your housemates off you could put it on repeat and then leave. Sort out some kind of timer though; you don’t want to have to hear it again. Richard Samuels

★

STAG Low Watt Glow KarmaLion Stag combine Green Day choruses with dirty garage boogie and come out sounding like the Bluetones, albeit with a funky drummer. So it’s nice but not great. You can imagine seeing them playing at the Barfly, third on the bill to the latest trendy NYC import. And then never hearing from them ever again.

Mat Croft

★★

THE MUSIC Getaway Hut This Yorkshire group are difficult to categorise: there are all sorts of influences in this tune. The beats at the beginning could develop into a funky house track but instead the lyrics kick in and I can only describe the rest as Foo Fighters meet Daft Punk.

I picture this tune as a backing track to a wipe-out section of a surf video: it makes you want to go out and do something extreme and dangerous.

Definitely worth a listen.

Leonie McFarlane

★★★

RAINBOW It’s A Rainbow Zipped Records / Universal “Flying over streets and houses/ bungle flying high/opens up his hairy ass and shits in the consumer’s eye.”

This wank-strosity of a single should never have even been contemplated let alone released.

The dance version is indiscernible from the rock, both sharing the same chords and a shitty loop of “It’s a rainbow baby;/just like you it drives me crazy”. Get the fuck out of my player and stop slaughtering my childhood memories. Richard Samuels No Stars

HYBRID Gravastar / Celebrity Science Distinctive Breaks This limited edition release sees the Swansea based collective giving a little taster of what is to come. The follow up to their debut Wide Angle is expected next year and judging by this their epic breaks style will be taking a darker turn. Gravastar stands out with its dizzying momentum and this certainly won’t disappoint fans. Kathryn Archer

★★★★

JESSE JAMES Empty Tank Golf Close but no cigar for Jesse James and their mix of rock and ska. Whilst possessing a strong guitar and horn sound, the whole thing becomes slightly undone in the vocal line.

Without the strength in lyrics and voice to give the songs a decent lead, the whole thing falls flat and an otherwise credible effort fails to make the grade.

Rob J

★★

PURESSENCE Walking Dead Island Everybody’s favourite sensitive Britpop also-rans have returned after a lengthy period in the indie wilderness.

Presumably they’ve spent the majority of this period listening to baggy music and contemplating how they can make themselves sound exactly like The Music. The soaring vocals and heavy, atmospheric guitars of the past have been replaced with tunes that will inspire a new generation to dance foolishly in the style of Ian Brown.

Maria Thomas

★★★

PEDRO VS. KATHRYN WILLIAMS Demons In Cases Moshi Moshi Records Electronic wiz-kid Pedro gets his grubby little hands on three tracks from Kathryn’s new album Old Low Light on this delightful ep. Kathyrn’s smooth and sultry vocals on To Lie Here And Not Go Out perfectly compliments his rustic beats and shimmering glockenspiels, whilst Part 2 indulges in some Four Tet style melody chopping to excellent effect.

How much Kathryn’s fans will appreciate this diversion is unsure - but for the rest of us who are enjoying a purple patch for melodic electronica it’s another stunner from the Manchester based tunesmith. A ray of sunshine in an otherwise dreary autumn.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

BOWLING FOR SOUP Emily Music For Nations Others have been trying and failing for the past decade, but really Bowling For Soup are THE quintessential pop punk band. Just look: four guys in shorts, a hilariously fat bassist, an ugly singer with spikey hair and a silly name singing songs about girls with lines like “so I got drunk and had sex with all your friends”.

Emily, evidently being no kind of exception to the rule, is a three minute stab of vacuous uncomplicated rock.

It’s obviously a bit crap, and several million miles away from a masterpiece, but given the tools to work with, this is brilliant. John Widdop

★★★★

CHRISTINA AGUILERA Dirrty RCA Christina, Christina, Christina, what are we going to do with you? You seemed like such a bundle of poppy fun when we first met you but now lets face it, you’re just a singing prostitute aren’t you. Oh yes you are. And lets be honest with ourselves, Dirrty is fundamentally as weak as a Perrierurine cocktail that can’t be saved by either a rapper-for-hire appearance from Redman or an extra ‘r’.

Cup your ears Christina, that’s Britney laughing her fucking nipples off.

Jamie Fullerton

★

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GRiP Tipper or the Two Lone Swordsmen’s finest moments The Bassline That Destroyed The World fully lives up to its name whilst Who’s Afraid Of The Big Bad RLF squelches and belches nicely in all the right places. Bootylicious.

Andy Parsons

Single of the Fortnight MISSY ELLIOTT Work It Goldmind / Elektra Despite disappointingly slimming down, Missy continues to dominate female hip-hop like a heavyweight champion. This success is largely due to her continued collaboration with beat-junky Timbaland. And this single is pure gold dust, or, more accurately, pure filth. Missy gets low down and dirty, shakin’ her booty all over the track.

Like great sex you don’t want it to end, but as in life, it’s all over after just four minutes. The wicked B-side is like a slow grind with tears in your eyes, pleading: ‘pussy, don’t fail me now.’

Infectious like an STD. Benjamin Hammond

★★★★

SONIC TORPEDOES Crooked Hill Fat Sounds

★★★★★

Missy E: Slimline, but still addictive...

Good workin’ Girl GOLD CHAINS The Game Pias Recordings A fusion of hip-hop and electronic dance music, as always San Francisco’s Topher Lafata aims to escape what he calls ‘genre militancy’, but it doesn’t work. Each influence clashes at every opportunity, and irritates as the line “because I’m in love with you” is repeated again and again and again and again.

Then, just when you thought the worst was over, the club mix gives the MC a voice like a psycho smurf on helium. On the bright side, there is a nice bassline, but sadly that is all.

This is the most irritating single of the century, and I’m sure that a few mates with a few beers and a Nintendo music package could come up with something more inspiring.

Kerry Havard

★★ BIRD Early Ice Cream Records

PABLO Y Byron Music For Nations A chirpy indie tune that buzzes along with chopping distorted guitars and a repeated refrain of "Thank god things never change".

The vocodered vocals, land somewhere between the sneer of Nirvana and the

KLINT The Mess We're In Tritone Records Hmm. The title track to this is certainly an original choice of single, just not a particularly good one. It combines a dirty, bluesy guitar hook, laconic singing and a little surface noise. Unfortunately these are used to make an anaemic little tune which could've come from the bowels of jazz hour at the Hotel Fromage cocktail bar.

The B-side is better but still unremarkable, sounding rather like the Beta Band doing a quiet acoustic number. Cassidy Phillips

★★

★★★★ HARRY So Real Telstar

One of the better recently released singles, sounding like a cross between one of Radiohead’s more bizarre Kid A experiments and radio friendly dance music, the first mix of So Real serves only to irritate - This is not deserving of the "Blondie for the twentieth century," image.

However, track two reveals its real strengths; this works best as high gloss, polished pop rock, with the same kind of slick production you might well find on a New Found Glory single. Simply, it works.

Julian Thorpe-Smith

★★★

THE MOUNTAIN GOATS See America Right 4AD

THE VEILS More Heat Than Light Blanco Y Negro

How’s this for a great band concept: The Pixies filtered through The Velvet Underground without shamelessly ripping off either band. On See America Right, The Mountain Goats manage it, making bluesy one-string riffs, twitchy, pounding acoustic guitars and frantic, half-spoken lyrics completely their own. And at under 2 minutes, it’s long enough to get you hooked, and short enough to make you want to hear it again. Mat Croft

Ooh, a ‘the’ band and a review which talks about the fact the band are a ‘the’ band, how unusual. How deceptively cool much like the band. More Heat Than Light sounds like Fin is impersonating Axl Rose.

You are forgiven Fin, because what you have produced is gritty, epic and ultimately thought provoking.

Us In Leaves is one for those who wish Oasis would sound a bit more upbeat and Creatures of Joy is clearly the bands version of Live classic The Dam At Otter Greek.

Richard Samuels

★★★★

SIMIAN Never Be Alone Source The closest this band are ever likely to come to creating the anthem of a generation, Never Be Alone sees Simian in a distinctly more up tempo mood than they were for most of last years Chemistry Is What We Are album. These three minutes of jagged, bouncing pop complete with yelping James Dead Bradfield style vocals and twiddly electronic bits are certainly

★★★

R.L.F Once Upon A Time EP Rex Records All respect to RLF for giving us this cheeky little 10” of pure hip hop breaks and huge floor-shaking basslines. Fun, funky, and in places quite filthy, this four track EP will become firmly attached to the decks of anyone into high quality breaks action.

Reasonably reminiscent of

★

FUPPER The Cookie EP Tritone Records This is possibly one of the strangest EPs I have ever heard in my life. Every track is instrumental which is more interesting than good. The guitars have a very cool blues grass sound going on, while the drums add a spaced out hip-hop beat. I can’t even say if I like because it merges so many different sounds in a weird and wonderful way. This band must be approached with a very open mind.

Anthony Lloyd

★★★

PLANET MU ALLSTARS Criminal EP ‘02 Planet Mu One 12” to certainly file in the “Mad, Bad and Dangerous” category. Disrespectful, dirty and very much illegal, a spectrum of artists from the Planet Mu roster rip apart chart hits both old and new on this 2nd bootleg EP. Label boss Mike Paradinas flays Do You Really Like It? into a mass of bling bling breakbeats whilst Canadian nutbag Venetian Snares provides us with more of his patented hardcore mentalism.

Black Sabbath’s War Pigs suffers a disembowling at the hands of Doormouse and Transformer Di Roboter serenades us with a lounge version of Metallica’s seminal Enter Sandman.

Nautilus steals the show however with a cheeky mixture of Can’t Get You Out Of My Head with 80’s synth hit I Want Your Money. Ultra limited and funny as fuck you know it makes twisted sense. Andy Parsons

★★★★

When Kylie did Blue Monday at the Brits, she’d have given her right buttcheek to make it sound even half as cool as this. It’s easy to call Ladytron ‘New Order with boobs’ (One of New Order does have boobs actually ,and Hooky’s looking a bit beefy these days. toopedantic Ed), but that wouldn’t begin to describe the menacing electro-grind of Seventeen.

Hip-level keyboards rub against the sexiest breathy vocals since Madonna’s Erotica to make this filthy tune all the more compulsive.

Mat Croft

★★★★★

THE KEYS Gurl Next Door / Listen The Leaves Are Falling Boobytrap They used to be Murry The Hump you know, but no-one bought their album so now they’re The Keys, they come from The Bee’s doped up school of lo-fi harmonies and this is their much hyped (well, by the owners of the label) debut. And frankly unless you fireproofed your arm, flung on your Oakleys, scooped a handful of sun and stuck it in a Coke bottle you’d have to say that it’s the most tender, beautiful shining dose of Beach Boys warmth you’ll handle in a hell of a long time. Jamie Fullerton

★★★★

INTERPOL Obstacle 1 Matador Stop Press! Interpol REALLY aren't that cool.

Think about it... they wear jumpers (with ties) onstage, perform an ill-advised trade in covering The Smiths in the style of Joy Division, ponce about with minimalist art work and generally need a slap and some prozac. However, until that dawn is upon is, we can revel in murderous songs like Obstacle 1, full of stacatto guitars, gloomy bass and Paul Banks moping "you keep stabbing yourself in the neck".

Obviously deranged, overtly paranoid and the sort of song that actually makes you want to go and get stalked. Praise indeed.

John Widdop

★★★★★

Music

★★★★

★★★

worth £1.99 of anyone’s money. Maria Thomas

LADYTRON Seventeen Telstar

singles

Debut single from this London band who are basically Janie Price (who sings and plays guitar and cello – clever girl) collaborating with a variety of session musicians.

The sound is a subtle blend of Gemma Hayes and the older Beth Orton material, (though this is better than what Beth has been releasing recently) crossed with Beth Gibbons of Portishead fame.

An essential purchase for any fans of the aforementioned artists. Luke Grahame

harmonies of Elliott Smith. An unknown English band armed with a promising tune.

Mat Croft

Firstly, the recording on this CD is poor. It sounds as if it has been recorded using a child’s toy microphone. When you are finally able to pick up the lead singers voice you wonder if the sound quality was a deliberate attempt to disguise how poor he sounds.

The music is mundane and the use of feedback is just annoying. Their b-sides are slightly better, but the music still fails to provide anything which you could define as good. Basically, a waste of money. Paul Brown

PICK OF THE REST

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PICK OF Album of the Fortnight THE REST NEW ORDER Retro London Records

JACK JOHNSON Brushfire Fairytales Universal / Island Jack Johnson, already famous as a pro-surfer and movie-maker, is already huge in the USA, where Brushfire Fairytales has already sold over a million copies, due to his unique soothing, bluesy voice. He has also recently finished a tour with the legendary Ben Harper, who also makes a guest appearance on album track Flake.

Even from opener Inaudible Melodies it’s clear that Johnson has something very special. His ability to serve up such chilled out,calming tunes which not only make you smile but make you realise the beauty around you is astounding. Torpid, swirling tracks like Sexy Plexi and aforementioned Flake are an uplifting sensuous experience.

While the frisky Bubble Toes and Mudfootball automatically make your hips swing and foot tap. Genuine yet dream-like, Brushfire Fairytales is a joyful experience and Johnson is sure to smash the UK as he has his homeland.

Gemma Jones

★★★★★

THE FAINT Danse Macabre City Slang/EMI It’s good to see this finally getting a UK release after three stateside releases and a full years worth of anticipation following Nebraska based synth regurgitators The Faint’s foray into the UK touring circus earlier in the year.

Eyeliner-clad, and not sounding entirely dissimilar to the seemingly Titanic-esque Electroclash movement yet pre-dating it by the best part of eight years, it seems a shame to release one of the best albums of the last three years off the back of a sinking ship.

Enough gripes...The delightfully aptly titled Danse Macabre (or Dance of Death) is not your average sleazy electronica. Loosely based around your traditional four piece with the added synth impertous and Todd Beachle’s squawk but thundering through eight equally vibrant and darkly danceable numbers before subsiding to the wonderful Ballad of a Paralysed Citizen.

The odd postmodern amalgamation of postmillennial culture stepping out with an eighties rhythm (think Interpol with a drum machine) means it’s a somewhat confusing Danse’ The Faint lead, but once you’ve mastered the steps, they’re anyones.

John Widdop

★★★★★

With the shadow of Joy Division behind them, it could be quite easy to overlook New Order’s contribution to British music.

But this lush four cd box set aims to rectify that, and does so with considerable style.

The first cd is a collection of “The Hits”, ranging from first single Ceremony (written by Ian Curtis) to more recent tracks like Brutal and Crystal. Whilst this is the best CD out of the four, its also possibly the least essential as there are already two singles collections available.

Up next is a CD of early rarities, a fascinating glimpse of a band finding its feet and identity after terrible tragedy. A cd of remixes follows featuring the

appearance of their only number one, also the best football song ever: World In Motion.

Finally the set is rounded off by a selection of live favourites from a huge range of venues and years. The most diverse of the discs, this is also the most rewarding and demonstrates just how good a live act New Order still are.

The forefathers of British dance music and a significant influence on the indie scene, New Order’s continuing legacy is one that demands respect. “I can’t tell you where we’re going/I guess there’s just know way of knowing”, Bernard Sumner prophetically speaks on True Faith. Wherever they’re headed in the future you can’t get a much better insight into their past than this.

Andy Parsons NO: Still young after all these years?

★★★★★

Temptation, Confusion and Regret PULP Hits Island Records Finally Sheffield based lovelies Pulp, release a greatest hits album, showcasing their ten years with Island records. Every brilliant hit is here, from their 1992 release Babies (initially released on Sheffield based indie label Gift) through to recent single Bad Cover Version - Jarvis and the gang remind us of just how broad and wonderfully varied their music is with Hits.

What we’re given for our few pounds, is a fantastic concoction of party hits such as, Common People and Disco 2000 and more subtle, reflective songs like This Is Hardcore, A Little Soul and new track Last Day Of The Miners Strike. The only song really missing from this compilation is Mis-shapes which the band left out because they felt its double Aside Sorted For E’s And Wizz represented that period of their career better.

The inclusion of such underrated tracks as Razzmatazz, Underwear and Sunrise pleasantly surprise and help to further secure this album’s greatness. If there’s only one best of you should buy this year, let this be on your christmas list-you won’t be disappointed.

Gemma Jones

★★★★★

ADD N TO (X) Loud Like Nature Mute Repeat after me; “It’s been a funny old year”. Along with the crackpot champions of the ‘where-the-fucking-hell-didthat-come-from-guvnor’?’factor (The Streets, Polyphonic Spree, The Coral, The Music) 2002’s uprising of guitar based ‘The’ bands somewhat clouded an electroclash fightback fronted by the robotic likes of Ladytron, Fischerspooner and now the return of Add N To (X).

Indeed hopes should be high,

2000’s Add Insult To Injury album was a fine mangle of electronic twiddly fun underlined by such pop gems as Plug Me In, and Loud Like Nature is more of the same.

The template is familiar, Kraftwerkian artificial intelligence and primarily instrumental, but here the band demonstrate the sense of zooming urgency of the Grand Prix car sampled on Large Number not usually observed in their peers. At times, as is only natural with this genre, the material sounds as if it dropped out of a computers arse without ever being touched by the hands of humans.But hey, weren’t Playstations the best selling toys ever? Jamie Fullerton

★★★★

RON SEXSMITH Cobblestone Runway Parlophone There’s definitely something anachronistic about this album.

Despite (subtly) using quite a bit of contemporary tweaking, the effect is like putting glitter on a wimple; the songs here remain rooted in the past. Not that that’s a bad thing; these tunes here are old-fashioned, but they resonate with songs from the ‘Good Old Days’ of singer-songwriting’.

The music is pleasantly unpretentious, though it can seem rather saccharine at times (as in the ballad God Loves Everyone for instance, though it’s less sugary than it initially sounds - well, it had to be didn’t it?), and at one point stooping to the horrifying low of a Dee eye ess see oh song (Dragonfly On Bay Street). If anything, the traditional nature of the songs allows them to grow on you that much more effectively, and this album is a grower.

There are some great moments, such as The Least That I Can Do, the singalong Disappearing Act and an enjoyable ending to Heart’s Desire, and the poorer tracks rarely grate. All in all, the album’s catchy, melodic and about as trendy as a flat cap.

But if you can accept that, chances are you’ll find this CD quietly enjoyable.

Cassidy Phillips

★★★★

BLUEBIRD Hot Blood Sweet Nothing Records Bluebird sound like the bastard children of Foo Fighters and Radiohead but considerably heavier and less tuneful with a penchant for high energy indie rock and laconic vocals reminiscent of Ozzy’s happier moments. In fact, Bluebird sound like a lot of bands but without the things that make those bands good.

This is not a bad album, it’s got chunky riffage and some Silverchair-esque effects that sound like he’s swallowed the microphone, it just doesn’t stand out. Occasionally slipping into the experimental, the guitar solos are a little flowery and the time-changes, unconvincing. Still, at least they can play their instruments.

Sort on.

Becky Wedlake

★★

CABARET VOLTAIRE The Original Sound of Sheffield: '79-'82 Mute/Grey Area The flipside of the increasingly stagnant garage rawk scene is that a whole new series of bands are seeking to emulate the great days of 1981, when you were nobody if you weren't clued up on punk and disco, and owned both tape loops and membership of the SWP. So it is fitting that this re-issue of the Yorkshire mentalists' finest early stuff comes on the crest of a new wave of music that is obviously in thrall to the 80s - the Liars, Ladytron and The Rapture all owe something to Cabaret Voltaire.

The Original Sound Of Sheffield documents the height of the band's powers when they were still a trio. Cabaret Voltaire come across as a very contradictory group, seemingly unable to decide whether to follow their avant-garde

instincts or make dumb pop records. This compilation veers between the two. At its worst (well, okay, at its most unlistenable), as displayed on tracks like Baader Meinhof, the music is totally melodyfree. However, on tracks like recent single Nag Nag Nag and the awesome, the combination of Stockhausen, the Stooges and primitive house is completely electrifying.

Buy it, if only to make the moody buggers smile for once.

Charlie Jenkins

★★★★

NO CHOICE Dry River Fishing Newest Industry No Choice are the great white hope of burgeoning local label Newest Industry, and their statement of intent is clearly laid out in Dry River Fishing’s opening quote. In Dubya’s dulcet drawl, “We are a peaceful nation/Nobody wants there to be a war.”

On initial listening, No Choice feel uncomfortably retrograde - the 80s punk and metal influences show through a bit too strongly. From the widdly guitar bits to the anthemic drunken singalong feel, this is unashamedly old school territory. No matter, though – the album really comes together on repeat listenings, boasting a raw energy reminiscent of early Leatherface.

Standout tracks such as Scale Climbers Revenge and Prey are excellent songs on musical merit alone, but add in the inspired lyrics and they really shine. Emotive, intelligent and perfectly focused, this is model sociopolitical songwriting. Where such themes are usually a cringe-fest, here the lyrics (gasp!) enhance the experience as a whole. Good stuff.

Unfortunately, this isn’t an album for everyone - its a bit too raw for some tastes, presumedly.

But an accomplished and worthwhile addition to any collection all the same.

Gareth Lloyd

★★★★

19 BILL HICKS Love, Laughter and Truth / Flying Saucer Tour Vol.1 - Live In Pittsburgh, PA Rykodisc Over the last 15 years few comedians have come close to achieving the following, the talent or the razor sharp tongue of Bill Hicks. It may be nearly ten years since he passed away to pancreatic cancer, but his material is still as sharp, acerbic and hysterical as ever.

Flying Saucer Tour… is the first in a series of complete live shows from Bill’s personal archives, where he spends close to 80 minutes ranting at “the worst audience I ever faced”.

However he does manage to win them over in the end (even if it’s by placating them with dick jokes).

Love, Laughter and Truth comprises of similar material covering the problems of getting an apartment in New York, how we Brits let the Australians off lightly and why children should be banned on planes. Bill is at his best however when making fun of society and the US government in particular. “The War On Drugs”, PoeNaw-Grah-Fee (that’s how they pronounce pornography in Florida apparently) and Drunk Driving all get dealt scathing blows.

These CDs will delight fans and hopefully bring Bill new ones too.

They’re both a tribute and a testament to a great comic genius. But more importantly they’re completely fucking

GRiP hilarious. Andy Parsons ★★★★★ (For both)

HIPP-E AND HALO Fabric 07 fabric Now on its seventh release, the series which aims to give an uncompromising picture of satuday nights at Fabric hand over control to legendary DJs/producers Hipp-E and Halo. Also known as H-foundation in their producing capacity these two have long been champions of the San Francisco house scene and dedicated to bring new music to the fore both working as A&R for Us records labels.

Here they give a colourful ride through house music as they they know it. On the way this includes funky hip-house, bleepy glitchy sounds, to swirling dreamy house with some nice vocal tracks towards the end. Rounding of with the building bass Ernast Saint Laurent’s Fluid System completes a selection which should create a thirst to go to a club and listen to this music the way it is intended. Kathryn Archer

★★★★

JEESE JAMES Punk Soul Brothers Golf records Ska-punk seven piece Jesse James have spent the last two years touring non-stop in order to get their first

album made. After an awesome appearance at Reading festival this year where trumpets, trombones and sax’s swung aplenty Jesse James have acquired a fairly large fanbase for themselves. Punk soul brothers although lacking the spark they have live is still a good debut. Tracks like Higher Ground, Freefall and the wickedly, overly catchy Shoes (which made the rounds on MTV2 and Kerrang TV earlier this year) are all ambitious, tight tracks. Yet the majority of the tracks have an almost filler feel about them and overshadow the few gems there are.

Jesse James will probably never be as popular as their peers [Spunge], King Prawn and Capdown- but they’re fun and definitely worth catching live.

It’s just a shame that their energy live isn’t caught on their debut.

Gemma Jones

★★★

MINISTRY OF SOUND The Annual 2003 Ministry of Sound Er... isn’t it 2002 still? Anyway, another day, another rush-released hash of Dave Pearse approved dance anthems, the majority of which are utter drivel produced by bearded Italians and sung by blonde dutch puppets. With a bit of luck, the entire dance industry may collapse on itself before next years edition comes out.

In case you needed telling, this 60 (!) track compilation includes hits by

Jakatta, Ian Van Dhal and Scooter, that one by Paul Oakenfold and the twat from Crazy Town, and an absolutely shocking version of Because The Night, written by Bruce Springsteen for Patti Smith in the 70’s.

It’s always good to see Springsteen back in the singles chart, but it’s hard to see how either party approved the release of such dross.

As to whether this is either necessary or worth over three hours of your time, you can make your own decision. Mine is below. John Widdop Zero Stars

SOMA COMPILATION 8 Soma As suggested by the title this is now the eighth installment of the Glasgow dance label’s yearly chance to showoff just how good its artist roster is. As one of the U.Ks labels of its sort this should serve to advertise the fact that it is now going from strength to strength. This includes just one exclusive which is the Two Lone Swordsmen’s electro re-working of Slam’s Visions, the rest is a good selection of Soma releases. Includes a remix of Funk D’Void’s techno classic Diabla and more electro input from Radioactiveman’s remix of Percy X’s Time To Jack. If this is your cup of tea then you’ll probably have the records anyway but its compilation is a great way of finding out what Soma are about. Kathryn Archer

★★★

Best Of The Recently Released Part 2 BRENDON BENSON Lapalco V2

★★★★★

VARIOUS ARTISTS Further Beyond Nashville Manteca

J WALK A Night on the Rocks East West Originally part of Manchester’s legendary record label Grand Central, J Walk, now signed to East West are still championing the stoned hip-hop sound of their home city- and they do it with style. Unsurprising as Martin Brew and Desai who together make the funky grooves of J Walk have been around the Manchester scene for some time now, Brew running Fat City Records and Desai having engineered for Badly Drawn Boy. What works so well about this album is that it never starts to blend into the background, contributions from the classy tones of Veba (known for working with Rae and Christian and Aim) and Sarah Hill on soulful Heavens Above contrast to their more electro angle tracks such as Following The Noughties take.

Full to the brim of funky soulful grooves this has to be a must for any Grand Central fan. Kathryn Archer

★★★★★

ANDY VOTEL All Ten Fingers Twisted Nerve / XL Label boss, designer, DJ, remixer,

★★★

TOM JONES Live at Cardiff Castle - DVD In the lush surrounds of Cardiff Castle, Tom Jones takes the stage, opens his mouth and out comes that voice. In the pop world, where Westlife and Will Young are king, it’s reassuring to hear a man with a good solid pair of balls in his pants, growling and hollering like the testosterone-fuelled beast that our Tom is.

The tunes themselves are a mixed bag from all over Tom’s 37-year career, encompassing 60s soul, loungecore, 80s rock and his latest chart ventures. He whips out the crowdpleasers – Leave Your Hat On, She’s A Lady, Kiss, and a strangely sinister Delilah – while dodging panties and showing off his sexy monkey dance.

While his backing band and some of the songs are pretty pedestrian, it’s a small complaint to make What the show is really about – naturally – is Tom. He’s a born showman with no signs of slowing down, still thrusting his hips, still flashing his hairy chest, and still wowing the crowd with that ENORMOUS voice. Mat Croft ★★★★★ ( If you’re female and over 50) ★★★ (For everyone else)

SUICIDE American Supreme Mute Back in 1977, amidst the wild throws of punk, Suicide achieved the slight accomplishment of pretty much inventing electronic music with their self title debut album. Without question, it is one of the most original, inspirational and dangerous frightening albums ever produced. So, Twentythree years into the void, and ten full years since the last Suicide album was met with much indifference, a revival, anyone?

Suicide’s significant flaw in the past was in the materials rather than the construction. As far as minimalism goes, there’s only so far rage-fuelled barking over sparse accompaniment can go. And at times, American Supreme seems limited by this, and in particular Alan Vega’s warped voice.

But when the materials come together, the earth not only moves, but destroys.

American Supreme is in effect, a concept album about American culture; A marriage of music and art (provided by London-based Crash) and littered with biting cynicism (Dachau, Disney, Disco no less).

Tracks such as Swearin’ To The Flag, and Death Machine are genuinely affecting, and much like the bands stance on life, is painful and disturbing but perseverance pays dividends.

John Widdop

★★★★

albums

“Welcome back to the twisted heart of country music” screams the cover of this highly dubious compilation album, follow-up to last years similarly titled concept album.

The ethos simply: to inform people there’s more to country music than Dolly Parton, ten gallon hats and yeehaw line dancing, and on a less enthusiastic note, to promote a load of gigs at the Barbican Centre later this year. But anyway, regardless of the slightly suspect motives for it’s existence, the music is of the same upmost quality that the previous Beyond Nashville incarnation provided: Janis Joplin vying for space with Calexico and Brixton swamp things Alabama 3 dancing with Calexico and beautiful older songs by Kitty Wells and the lovely Jole Blon by Roy Acuff, and any album which goes so far

★★★★

producer, trainer collector and recording artiste - Andy Votel is certainly a jack of all trades. But one his first album proper, is he a master of none? Certainly not judging by the quality of some of the tunes on here.

Musically taking off where Badly Drawn Boy’s more unusual experiments ended, Votel mixes analog synths, hip hop beats and elements of live band recordings to good effect.

Last years mini-lp Styles Of The Unexpected at times lacked focus and occasionally the same happens here; On Dogs! and Schallerova both brimming with ideas, but completely without direction. Votel is at his best when working with vocalists, The Viy (featuring Elbow’s Guy Garvey) and Salted Tangerines (with Can’s Malcom Mooney) being two of the highlights.

All Ten Fingers is a real Aladdin’s Cave of an album with some items needing a bit of polish, others a rare treasure to listen to. Whatever floats your boat it’s certainly well worth a listen.

Andy Parsons

Music

It’s a shame, or perhaps a blessing that this album’s being released as the Cardiff winter closes in around us, and we all have to start wearing scarves as we walk to the Barfly. Because Lapalco is the soundtrack to all the best bits of all the best summers you’ve ever had. Encompassing twelve tracks of frazzled, lo-fi pop; you are guarantied to be in a better mood when you’ve finished listening to this record than when you started.

Managing to sound hopeful even when singing about heartbreak and excessive wine consumption, Benson is flying the flag for American music that doesn’t sound like it was made in a garage by somebody who vaguely knows Jack White. Maria Thomas

beyond Nashville to include a song by Will Oldham’s doom-ridden Palace Brothers project shows both integrity and dedication to the genre.

Bypassing more of the big names of Alt. Country (the wonderful Up With People by Lambchop excepted, of course) Further Beyond Nashville achieves it’s main aims, and remains essential for anyone with a passing interest, or inspired for more by the genres re-energiser; the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack.

Stunning. John widdop

20

ames/web reviews

GRiP “LETS ROCK!” DUKE NUKEM ADVANCE [GAME BOY ADVANCE] 3-D REALMS

L

ets Rock!” Ah, the happy memories of a misspend youth shooting pigs and staring at poorly digitised sprites of pole-dancers come flooding back as those two simple words resound gruffly from my GBA. If you were wondering whether I’d spent my childhood growing up in the ghetto you’d be wrong, I refer of course to many happy hours spent playing the

various Duke Nukem games on PC, honestly.

So now this timeless FPS classic has been crammed into a GBA cart in the shape of Duke Nukem Advance and with great results. Its following in the footsteps of other successful GBA ports such as Doom and Wolfenstien 3D so has a lot to live up to, but in my opinion the Duke always had the edge thanks to its

comic book style and over the top action. Thankfully, this has been faithfully recreated.

Duke Nukem Advance puts you in control of the egotistical, trash talking hero from the original on a 19 stage mission to stop alien invaders from taking over the planet.

Armed only in the beginning with a communicator to talk to his superior, a pistol, and a size 12 boot to lay the smack down on the aliens, Duke sets out to show these invaders why they picked the wrong planet to try and take over.

Along the way, he picks up bigger and better weapons to get the job done. All of the high action found in the classic

is back once again, and it is pulled off pretty well on a such a diminutive system with nicely detailed (if a little grainy) graphics.

A good range of gunfire and classic Duke quotes make up the sound although the alarms and “music” are enough to drive you mental.

Game play wise, its fast and sometimes frantic but perhaps a tad easy, although the multiplayer linkup should make it last longer for those of you with itchy trigger fingers.

The important thing is, its captured the essence of the Duke; “Come get some!”

Can you buy music cheaper W online?

Simeon Rosser-Trokas

Planet Basketball search engine www.planetbasketball.net

H

ands up if you think CDs are a rip off? Well here’s a quick guide on how to use the net to find the CDs you want and save a few quid too.

www.amazon.co.uk A seemingly limitless selection of CDs stored in a warehouse the size of Elton John’s wardrobe.

Only just better value than the high street once you’ve added on postage at around £1.75 per CD. www.record-x.co.uk Not as cheap as it once was (sigh) but they do do good offers on multiple buys (3 for £12 etc). They’ve also recently started selling vinyls, and postage is free if you spend over £35, which isn’t

very difficult. www.cd-wow.co.uk ‘Any of the top 75 albums and an ever-growing back catalogue for £8.99 is there tag line. They take about a week to arrive as they’re cunningly shipped over from Asia to avoid the UK’s disgusting prices.

Check tracklistings first, as they vary from country to country. They also occasionally have CDs before the UK release date. A similarly priced site is.... www.play.com, though most of their CDs come from Jersey. www.secondspin.com A US site with some stupidly cheap second hand CDs (i.e.

99 cents). Postage can also be pretty cheap in bulk.

Unfortunately, my long argument with HM Customs and Excise concluded with me

giving up, until I completed a maths degree to work out how much tax I’d have to pay. And if CD Wow can do it, then why can’t I? www.ebay.co.uk Yahoo auctions was better for bargains, but ebay, the world’s ridiculously large auction site, bought them out, in an auction I imagine.

Popular music can be expensive, but it’s good for finding obscure CDs at student friendly prices. I’ve bought newish albums for £1£2 before, as no one else wants From Mouth To Skin by Thirst, for some reason.

It’s always worth meticulously checking the small print for each item as some little turd once tried to charge me £3 postage for a CD. I took them to court. Also, avoid people with negative ‘feedback’ in case they run off to Spain on the back of your payment. Robbie Lane

ith the NBA season recently restarted basketball is once again the most talked about sport on the planet.

Basketball websites are therefore extremely common and the internet is deluged with both good and bad sites about the sport, all claiming to be the quintessential website about basketball.

What better way could there be to filter the rookies from the all-stars than to use a specialised basketball search engine?

Planet Basketball operates like any search engine such as Yahoo and Google but has the added benefit of specialising solely in basketball web pages, avoiding dead sites and also preventing the surfer from

This week’s charts Playstation 2 1: GTA: Vice City Will eat your life 2: Smackdown 4 WWE fun for all 3: LOTR: Two Towers No multiplayer 4: Harry Potter Wretched boy 5: FIFA 2003 Good football sim 6: Pro Evolution 2 Best footie game 7: Red Faction 2 Blow out the walls 8: Colin McRae 3 Rally driving 9: Ratchet and Clank Rare PS2 platformer.

10:Hitman 2:Silent Assassin Get paid to kill.

X-Box 1: Tony Hawks 4 Skateboarding 2: Harry Potter His broomstick would..

3: Blinx Ideas by email please 4: Lord of the Rings Spin off central 5: Halo Classic shooter 6: FIFA 2003 More footie 7: Transworld snowboarding Have a guess 8: Timesplitters 2 Even better than Halo.

9: Hitman 2. same as the PS2.

10:LMA manager 2003 Control the team

PC-CD ROM 1: Age of Mythology I dunno 2: Sims Unleashed On Potters ass please 3: FIFA 2003 Its not that good 4: Sims Delux Add on central 5: LOTR: Fellowship Ach naz gimbeldur 6: Rollercoaster tycoon Don't go on a yacht 7: WWE Raw Sod that get s’down 8: Unreal tournament A challenger to halo 9: Total club manager Bandwagon?

10:Sims Holiday One way ticket I hope

Game Cube 1: Harry Potter .....go where no sun goes 2: Star Wars: Clone Wars Money for Lucas 3: Die Hard Vendetta Vest time again 4: Tony Hawks 4 How old is he now?

5: Eternal Darkness Sounds cool but isn't 6: FIFA 2003 Power of a brand 7: Mario sunshine Its me, Mario 8: Super Smash Bros Plumbers 9: Godzilla Bite me 10:Wrestlemania X8 Nah... smackdown

having to trawl through endless sites about lakes in LA or cattle herds in Chicago.

Planet Basketball does exactly what it says on the tin. Through it, the average sports fan can find websites on anything to do with the NBA, the WNBA, the British and Australian leagues, as well as many clearly labelled European language sites.

The site also contains discussion forums and search tips, all quick and easy to use. Planet Basketball also welcomes contributions to its already vast database.

Although still in its infancy Planet Basketball displays immense potential and is well presented, highly compatible, original, and consumer friendly.

Happy hoop dreams.

Neil Blain

Coming soon..

We’ve got a great selection heading your way so get your pens and paper ready for those christmas lists. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is currently stealing my life so expect a review next issue along with: Smackdown 4, Sega Soccer and more web stuff to feast your eyes on.

If you have anything to say on the games and web front or want to have your say about a game you have played then drop us a line at gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com.

This weeks charts were supplied by our good friends at Game on Queen Street. As always, we are very grateful!

21

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Monday 25 November ----->Friday 6 December Four hours a week! Pah! Tune in here for your proper timetable, an essential guide to the next 12 days mostly non-essential viewing.

Weekone It’s a slightly depleted TV Desk at your service this fortnight. Our valued cohort Steve, the sole source of TV Desk’s testosterone (or so he thinks) has more pressing academic concerns occupying him. So if this fortnight’s listings are all too girly and bitchy for your liking, never fear: The Man (don’t laugh) will be back next time.

Right then, kittens - let’s get picking. A fair-to-middling week of films kicks off with Terminator 2 (five, Monday 25 November, 9pm), a big fat macho classic stuffed full of mad-eyed robots bent on a mission of destruction.

Well, two anyway. The plot is this: robots have taken over the world and only one man can stand against them. So, Terminator 1 (who’s been reprogrammed by the rebels to be a good guy) is sent back in time to

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Depp to recommend it for the girls. Its main attraction, however, is the perennially sexy Christina Ricci, all alien pouts and surly glares.

(Yeah right Alex. Get some taste - TV Amy.) If there was ever a successor to the weirdness that was Twin Peaks, Neighbours (BBC1, Monday - Friday, 5.35pm) is it. It’s recently broken free of its boring Aussie moorings and become a haven for bizarre happenings and odd storylines making it undoubtedly the best soap on TV right now. Witness the strangeness that is Karl and Susan’s fledgling relationship after her total ammnesia made her forget that she was ever married to him. Or the shockingly sudden death of heartthrob Drew that left Libby unable to move from her seat on the stairs. And best of all, it’s on twice a day!

Yippee!

And yet more dysfunctional families (well, the one anyway)

can be found in The Osbournes (S4C, Friday 29 November, 9.30pm). Unlike most programmes that are destroyed by the hype heaped upon them before they’re even aired, The Osbournes is even better than you expected. From Sharon throwing chunks of meat over the wall into the neighbours’ garden, or running after uber-brat Kelly with scissors threatening to cut off her thong, to Ozzy’s hilarious attempts to work the TV remote, it’s comedy gold all the way through. It makes you want to divorce your dear old mum and dad and run away to LA to claim a place in the weirdest, sweetest rock clan since erm.... the Jacksons.

it can be.

From thence, we go swiftly downhill to the abyss which is Fame Academy (BBC1, too bloody often, 7pm).

Elsewhere in gair rhydd, PopScene extols the joys of this programme; TV Desk must, however, dissent. The mere fact that the FA inmates can play instruments and compose songs does not make them talented; if anything, it makes them even less worthy of the celebrity spotlight. Each, without exception, is a mindnumbingly dull individual, which explains the crap they come up with. Songwriting is only a great thing if the songs themselves are; give me Billie Holiday over Dido any day.

(Gah - a pissed PopScene has snuck up behind me and is demanding a clause to say that Ainslie is sexy. TV Amy is concurring. They’re both sad, deluded women, of course; he mings.)

It’s back to the small-screen silver screen for Primal Fear (BBC1, Wednesday 4

December, 11.05pm). TV Desk can recall the first time he ever saw this: sceptical, due to the appaling title, but too lazy to actually move from his sofa. The two hours which followed were heart-racingly taut and more gripping than a pair of pliers. Edward Norton turns in one of the most compelling performances in modern cinema as the boy accused of a murder he may or may not have committed, paving the way to a truly astounding plot twist. Sixth Sense, eat your ponderous heart out.

Time to recall one-and-ahalf decades of making rock middle-aged in Q: 15 Years (Thursday 5 December, 11.35pm) as the worthy music magazine celebrates another anniversary. Though intermittently amusing - and currently preferable to the NME, which appears to be turning into an indie heat - it’s never been anything approaching cutting-edge.

Even its current editor admits that it caters primarily to the dreaded one-album-a-year

brigade; a strange paradox of a music magazine for people who, when it comes down to it, don’t really like music. Tonight, the Manics and the Stereophonics perform at the birthday gig. Both are all too apt: a once-great band who rose to commercial success by descending into indie mediocrity, and a band who have never been anything more than the sound of missing the last train into town and deciding instead to sit on a park bench and drink cider. Forever. Led by the biggest cnut currently walking this earth. Kelly Jones.

On to more pleasant subjects, then, as we bring you the wonderful news that Book Of Life (BBC2, Saturday 7 December, 1.15am) will be beamed into your living rooms. It is, of course, the film in which

the goddess of all that is rock’n’roll, Ms Polly Jean Harvey herself, made her acting debut. Neither member of TV Desk have seen it, but we’ve got our videos set to record already; the tale of a disillusioned Christ returning to earth, Mary Magdalene at his side, to fight the Devil, risk banishment from heaven and ponder whether the human soul is worth saving after all.

Well, Kelly Jones’ certainly isn’t.

two

Television

protect Sarah Connor, who’s carrying the unborn hero in her womb. But wait! The future robots have a secret weapon - the T2000, a particularly nasty, squiggly little robot who can shapeshift. Got all that? Cue lots of running, jumping and fighting, all done in Hollywood’s inimitable style.

Director James Cameron may have been the bastard responsible for torturing us with three hours of Leonardo DiCaprio’s sprout face on a big screen in Titanic, but don’t hold that against him.

He can also create action masterpieces like this.

The long-term stability of TV Alex and TV Amy’s friendship is under threat this week and all because we can’t agree over Celebrity Big Brother (S4C, all week, 9pm). Alex wants buck-toothed, rabbit-

faced ex-glamour girl Melinda Messenger to go the distance, whilst Amy, spurred on by the latent Take That fan inside her, is gunning for tiny-bummed exboy band member Mark Owen to claim the prize. The gloves are off and the claws are out. This might be tacky TV, but don’t try to pretend you’re not going to be glued to it every step of the way, watching like a hawk to see who’ll emerge as the New Vanessa or the New Jack Dee. It’s just a shame it only lasts for 10 days.

(Amy’s wrong about Melinda, of course. She’s the cool Jordan: intelligent, self-aware and down-toearth rather than a famecrazed train wreck like the other contestants - TV Alex.)

It’s the TV premiere of Sleepy Hollow (S4C, Wednesday 27 November, 10.35pm) this week. Aside from being more pantwettingly scary than Ann Widdecombe naked first thing in the morning, it also has the not inconsiderable charms of Mr Jonathan

pickings

Right, children. In TV Desk’s experience, this generation’s ability to use the English language declines with each day that passes. This is a horrific thing: the skill of communicating using visual symbols is one of the few that humanity hasn’t completely fucked up, and good spelling and punctuation is the foundation of civilised society.

Every misspelt word and every misplaced apostrophe indicates just how atavistically regressive this culture is becoming. Luckily, The Adventure Of English (ITV1, Sunday 1 December, 10.45pm) is on hand to remind us of the wondrousness of our language by tracing its origins and exploring its roots. Remind yourselves of just how special

STAYING IN TONIGHT?

elevision

GRiP

22

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Monday 25 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Quincy 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 Eureka TV 4.30 Ace Lightning 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders A nasty surprise is in store for Ian. What, you mean Shane Ritchie’s gurning mockney face, topped off by that charming over-dyed rockabilly mullet? It was a nasty surprise for us too, mate.

8.30 Airport 9.00 Merseybeat 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 999 11.15 First Degree 11.45 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 12.20 FILM: Kiss and Tell Starring Ulrika Jonsson and John Leslie 1.50 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: From a Different Shore: an American Identity 6.50 Ever Wondered?

7.00 CBBC 8.00 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.05 Blue Peter 8.30 The Wayne Manifesto 9.00 CBeebies 12.10 Music Makers 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies 1.15 Taxi 1.40 FILM: Hannibal Brooks 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Farscape While Steve’s not here to call me ...

7.30 Rough Science 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Blood of the Vikings: Invasion 9.00 Dead Ringers 9.30 tlc 10.00 I'm Alan Partridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Network East Late 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered?

12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Ever Wondered? 1.30 Off with the Mask: TV in the 60s 2.00 Secondary Schools - Science: Science in Action 4.00 Languages: Make Spanish Your Business 2 5.00 Working for Yourself: Has the Dot-Com Bubble Burst?

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 Bric a Brac 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Fingertips 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald ... a fucking sadcase, let me just say that Farscape is the best cult tv programme ever made. Better than Buffy, Doctor Who, and Star Trek (yes, even Enterprise with sexy Scott Bakula). Steve’s right. I AM a fucking sadacse. Help me.

8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Stan the Man 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Real Life: Fleur's Story 11.30 The Premiership on Monday 12.30 Champions League Weekly 12.55 Football League Extra 1.35 Today with Des and Mel 2.25 The New Addams Family 2.50 The Web Review 3.15 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.40 Entertainment Now! 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Quincy 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.30 Viva S Club 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Wild West 9.30 Linda Green 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Cable TV 11.35 Fame Academy Uncut 12.05 FILM: Killing Mr Griffin 1.35 Sign Zone: Fame, Set and Match 2.35 Sign Zone: Wild Weather 3.35 Sign Zone 4.50 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Who Belongs to Glasgow? 6.30 Open Advice The Three Degrees 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.10 You're the Boss 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies 1.15 FILM: Murder, Inc 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 Featuring Rocky Sharpe and the Replays (who?), Funboy 3 (who?), Tina Turner (diva!), Billy Idol (rock god!) and new music from Allison Moorer (who?).

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 War Walks: Blitz 8.00 Ray Mears's World of Survival: Namibia 8.30 Journeys to the Bottom of the Sea: Priceless Cargo 9.00 The Chariot Queen: A Meet the Ancestors Special 9.50 Witness 10.00 The Entertainers 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Paxman.

11.20 Crime Kids 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University 2.00 Secondary Schools - Science 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working for Yourself: Using the Cybermarket

Linda Green BBC1 9pm

Farscape BBC2 6.45pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Cheers 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Sionyn 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team Digs...

The Iron Age 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Wali Wags 4.15 Planed Plant: Mali O 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Celebrity Big Brother Live TV Brilliance! See today’s pick.

6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 8.30 Hwylio 9.00 Celebrity Big Brother Live 10.00 Sgorio 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.35 Faking It 12.35 The Ashes: Second Test: Australia v England 1.05 Animate! 1.35 The Sopranos 2.30 The Sopranos 4.00 Schools Who watches cricket anyway?

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Animal Antics 7.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: The Sellout 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 Deepcut: The Perfect Place for a Murder 8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: Terminator 2: Judgment Day “Hurrah!” - Pseudo-Film Desk 11.40 House of Astonishment 12.10 NFL Update 12.45 Now is the Time: Night of Combat Kick Boxing 1.40 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.50 Thoroughbred Grand Prix 3.40 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.30 Argentinian Football

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 MaryKate and Ashley in Action! 4.35 Clueless 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries: At Loggerheads 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live: Basle v Manchester United 9.50 The Frank Skinner Show A clash of ivory and orange this week - Sophie Ellis-Bextor and David Dickinson fight it out to be Skinner’s bitch monkeys. Honestly, whoever told Frank Skinner he was funny needs to be hunted down and brutally yet skillfully butchered.

Violent? Me? How dare you! 10.40 ITV News at Ten 11.10 Champions League 12.10 Strictly Soho 12.40 The Machine 1.05 Madness in Profile 1.30 Champions League: Basle v Manchester United 3.10 World Sport 3.35 Football League Extra 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Caio 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 From House to Home 2.15 From House to Home 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 4.30 Planed Plant: Labordy 5-4-3-2-1 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Celebrity Big Brother Live 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Dudley 8.30 Yr Helfa 9.00 Celebrity Big Brother Live 10.00 Treflan 11.10 V Graham Norton 11.40 More Sex Tips for Girls 12.10 Scrubs 12.40 Hell on Earth 1.40 FILM: The Devils Happy, happy days. Olly “El Intoxorino” Reed stars in this infamous porno-nun horror flick directed by filth-peddler Ken Russell. I haven’t seen it myself and there’s no-one in the office, but the fact that Oliver Reed’s in it is reason enough. Watch it!

4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Animal Antics 7.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 Home and Away 4.20 Family Affairs 4.50 UEFA Cup Football: Hertha Berlin v Fulham 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Arrest and Trial: Murder by Poison 8.30 Murder Detectives: Death Ride 9.00 FILM: Renegades 11.05 The FBI Files: Dangerous Pursuit 12.10 NFL Game of the Week: San Francisco 49ers v Philadelphia Eagles 3.30 Rally UK 3.55 European Drag Racing 4.20 Motorsport Mundial 4.45 Northern Exposure: Adventure Racing 5.10 Extreme Sports: Giants of Vulcano 5.35 DHX Capetown: Extreme Sport Football, football, fucking football.

Why is 22 men running after each other’s arses an interesting visual pleasure? Hmm? Hmm?

Tuesday 26 November

23

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Wednesday 27 November BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Quincy 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.30 Stacey Stone 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter Konnie and Liz try a new, fast and dirty sport. Oh honestly, don’t be so dirty-minded.

They mean lawnmower racing.

Obviously. 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 Best Inventions 7.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 8.00 Crimewatch UK 9.00 The Life of Mammals: Insect Hunters 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Crimewatch UK 10.45 Love on the Rock 11.15 Ian Wright Surviving the Kalahari 12.15 Match of the Day 12.55 FILM: A Vow to Kill 2.30 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 3.15 Sign Zone: Panorama 3.55 Sign Zone: Sahara with Michael Palin 4.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Modernist Primitivism - Gauguin and PontAven 6.30 Waiting Their Turn 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 10.50 Made in Wales 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 Words and Pictures Plus 11.35 What?

Where? When? Why? 11.50 Cats' Eyes 12.05 Hands Up! 12.20 Maths Challenge 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Lifeline 1.20 FILM: Second Chance 2.40 The Chancellor's Report 4.35 BBC News 4.40 Regional News; Weather 4.45 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 The Baby Business 8.00 The Life Laundry 8.30 Have You Remembered What Not to Wear?

9.00 EMI... and Me 9.50 Babyfather 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Paxman.

11.20 Crime Kids: Rape on the Grand Union Canal 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University 2.00 Secondary Schools Science: Science 4.00 Languages: Make Italian Your Business 2 5.00 Working for Yourself: Management Problems

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Engie Benjy 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.05 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Ah, Retro Sabrina. How can something so wrong be so right?

5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Cruise Ship 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Beware: Car Thieves 2002 Expect some laughable reconstructions of car theft featuring a doddery old codger and some acne-d up yoof wearing a hoodie.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 2DTV 10.55 Champions League 11.55 Classic Albums 12.55 Champions League: Roma v Arsenal 2.30 Today with Des and Mel 3.20 International Motor Racing 3.45 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Quincy 2.50 As Time Goes By 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.30 The Wild Thornberrys 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Karl asks Susan out on a date. Hurrah hurray! Karl and Susan are the King and Queen of Aussie soapdom. Long may they reign!

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 My Family 8.30 Judge John Deed 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 FILM: In the Blink of an Eye 1.35 Sign Zone: The Life Laundry 2.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Free Body Diagrams 6.30 African Renaissance 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies 1.15 FILM: High Noon 2.40 Westminster Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Magic Islands 8.00 Home Front in the Garden 8.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 9.00 Horizon 9.50 Look around You 10.00 The Entertainers 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Paxman 11.20 America's Cup 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: The Man Who Loved Trees 1.05 Truth Will Out 1.25 Cell City: City Life 2.00 The Art of Breathing 2.30 Seal Secrets 3.00 Did Tibet Cool the Earth? 3.30 Curriculum Development: Blast Open Access TV 8 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working for Yourself: The Future

Moby in Concert S4C 2.30am

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Migmas 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: ABC 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Scrapheap Challenge 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Torri Bol 4.15 Planed Plant: 13'30` Munud o Enwogrwydd 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Celebrity Big Brother Live 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Haf Ganol Gaeaf: Taith Caradoc a Iolo i Dde Georgia 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Ar y Bocs 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Celebrity Big Brother 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.35 FILM: Sleepy Hollow “Johnny Depp would so get it” Sexually-Charged Fake Film Desk 12.35 Sex and the City 1.10 Introducing Ms Dynamite 1.40 FILM: From Here to Eternity 3.40 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Animal Antics 7.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Spiral Staircase 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Parking Wars 9.00 FILM: Analyze This Robert DeNiro, reduced to a Billy Crystal movie? The apocalypse is upon us, kids.

11.00 Sex and Shopping 11.35 California Escorts: Paradise 12.05 Live with... Chris Moyles 12.30 La Femme Nikita 1.20 NHL Ice Hockey Live: New York Islanders v Ottawa Senators 4.45 Ironman Triathlon: St Croix 5.35 Fastrax

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 Presenters Revisited 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.15 Out There 4.30 Harry and the Wrinklies 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Wire in the Blood 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Crime Secrets 11.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 12.00 Mr Right 1.00 Night and Day 1.55 ITV at the Festivals 2002 2.45 Fatboy Slim in Profile 3.10 Mixmasters 3.35 Cybernet 4.05 Popped in, Crashed Out 4.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Great googly-moogly! Can it really be true? Will the bleach-blonde soapstar turned bald-bonced excoke head Jason Donovan really be prostituting his 80s repertoire for a load of drunken students in this very union as I type this? Yippee!

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Gwib 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Bryn Seren 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Criw Babalw 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The English Church 2.15 Location, Location, Location 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Noc Noc 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Celebrity Big Brother Live 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Dudley 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Haf Ganol Gaeaf 8.30 Naw Tan Naw 9.00 Llafur Gwlad 10.00 Celebrity Big Brother Live 11.05 Slaymaker 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 Headliners: Paul Weller 12.35 Alias 1.30 Snapshots of Moby 2.00 All Back to Mine 2.30 Moby in Concert 3.00 Marrying a Stranger Speaking of marriage, Sport Desk’s Riath has become so desperate for good lovin’ he’s been musing over marriage to a ham and pickle sandwich. Don’t do it mate!

Imagine the mess on the wedding night! 3.55 FILM: Bad Day at Black Rock

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Animal Antics 7.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Something Big Starring Darius “hung like an elephant’s leg” Danesh. For this and other startling revelations about D-list celebs, go to www.popbitch.com 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: Deceived 10.05 FILM: Psycho IV: The Beginning Ah, a double bill of tat films this evening. Cheers, five. Why sully a cinematic classic like Psycho by making three sequels? Hm? Hollywood will eat itself, I tell you.

12.00 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.40 UEFA Cup Football 2.10 Dutch Football: Heerenveen v Ajax 3.40 Argentinian Football 5.15 Argentinian Football Highlights

Thursday 28 November

Television

BBC1

Celebrity Big Brother Live S4C 9pm

elevision

GRiP

24

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Friday 29 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Quincy 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Fame Academy 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.20 FILM: Tremors 2: Aftershocks Featuring a tiny, pre-fame version of the sprout-faced boy Leonardo DiCaprio. Ooo, star quality!

1.00 FILM: The Witchfinder General 2.25 Joins BBC News 24 Debates rage between TV Alex and me - Mark Owen: Ming or King?

Does the lushness of his arse excuse the mankness of his hair? ...

6.00 Open University: Blue Haven 6.30 They Did It Their Way 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 1.05 FILM: Mutiny on the Bounty 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Scrum V Live: Pontypridd v Neath 9.00 Gardeners' World 9.30 Building the Impossible: The First Submarine 10.20 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.30 Newsnight With Kirsty Wark. 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Later with Jools Holland Featuring Moby, Badly Drawn Boy and Nigeria's Femi Kuti.

Respectively: baldie tee-total coporate cock-sucking sex monster, teacosied folkmeister with about one good song in ten, and no goddamn idea.

12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.15 FILM: The Day the Earth Caught Fire 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: ReviseWise at Home: KS2 English ...Alex he say: “Ming ming ming!

It’s the hair. He mings mercilessly” Amy she say: “Fuck off.”

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 HTV Wales News Extra 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Art Attack 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Celebrity Fit Club 9.00 FILM: There's Something about Mary Sigh. The film that sparked a million spunk jokes comes (fnarr fnarr) to terrestrial TV. So does semen really make a good hairgel?

“Yes it does. In fact, I regularly regularly smear my own man gunk into my hair to achieve the perfect style” - Fake TV Steve 11.10 ITV Weekend News 11.40 The Pop Factory 12.45 Dial-a-Date 1.15 FILM: Murderous Intent 2.55 Entertainment Now! 3.20 Today with Des and Mel 4.10 World Football 4.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 CBBC: Chucklewood Critters 6.20 Arthur 6.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 7.10 Super Duper Sumos 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.00 Looney Tunes 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.10 Boxing: Peter Culshaw v Ncedo Cecane 2.30 Rugby Union: Glasgow v Ulster 4.40 Wales on Saturday 5.20 BBC News; Weather 5.35 Wales Today Regional news.

5.40 Top of the Pops Awards 2002 Oh god. Expect the bane of TV Desk’s life Moronic Shitten to be rewarded for their services to Satan.

7.10 Only Fools and Horses 7.40 The National Lottery: Jet Set 8.15 Casualty 9.05 Daniel Deronda 10.05 BBC News; Weather 10.25 Parkinson 11.25 FILM: Dressed to Kill 1.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 1.50 A Question of Sport 2.25 Top of the Pops 2.55 Joins BBC News 2

6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 BBC News 9.10 HARDtalk 10.00 Saturday Kitchen Live 11.30 Kitchen Invaders 12.00 See Hear on Saturday 12.45 Afoot Again in the Past 1.00 Great Railway Journeys 1.55 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 2.25 The Great Romances of the Twentieth Century 2.50 Ironside 3.40 FILM: Guys and Dolls 6.05 What the Papers Say 6.15 Flog It! Series in which sado-masochist enthusiasts are given a large horse whip and attempt to convert people in their home town to the joys of being spanked by a man in rubber.

Possibly.

7.15 The Singer 8.05 A History of Britain by Simon Schama: The Empire of Good Intentions 9.05 Fame, Set and Match: Child Stars 10.05 Have I Got News for You 10.35 The Entertainers 11.35

Martine ITV1 9.20pm

FILM: The King of Comedy 1.20 FILM: Cape Fear 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Science

FILM: Freddy’s Dead five 12.40pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.00 Channel 4 attheraces from Newbury 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Celebrity Big Brother Live 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad: Teulu Tirlan 8.30 Celebrity Big Brother: The Live Final TV Amy’s Campaign For Mark Owen As CBB King starts here.

Let’s give the little pert-arsed pop munchkin a second shot at stardom. Go on - Vote Mark!

9.00 Friends 9.30 The Osbournes 10.00 Celebrity Big Brother Live 11.40 V Graham Norton 12.15 Eurotrash 12.45 The Ashes: Third Test: Australia v England 1.15 Comedy Lab 1.40 FILM: Force 10 from Navarone 3.45 Brazilian Championship Football

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.55 Animal Antics 7.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Alien Nation - Millennium 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Post Mortem 8.30 Britain's Worst Driver 9.00 A Mind to Kill 10.55 FILM: Playback 12.40 FILM: Freddy's Dead Oh no he isn’t! Is it pantomime season yet?

2.10 FILM: For Pete's Sake 3.40 Monsters 4.00 Monsters 4.20 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 24Seven 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.05 HTV News and Weather 1.10 On the Ball 2.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 3.00 Doctor Zhivago 4.35 The Goal Rush 5.00 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up. 5.15 Record of the Year 2002: The Final Countdown Las fucking Ketchup are in the list of the best records of the year.

Excuse me, I’ve just got to go and kill myself.

5.40 ITV News 5.55 Blind Date 6.55 Popstars: The Rivals 7.55 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

8.55 Popstars: The Rivals Live 9.20 Martine Martine McCutcheon performs songs from shows in a spectacular tribute to musicals old and new.

Nooooooo! Which scum-sucking minion of Beelzebub commisioned this? They should be hurt. And hurt and hurt. And hurt. In fact, there’s just not enough hurt.

10.20 ITV Weekend News 10.30 The Premiership 12.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 12.30 The Frank Skinner Show 1.15 The District 2.00 Boybands Forever 2.55 CD:UK 3.45 Dial-a-Date 4.10 Entertainment Now! 4.40 Cybernet 5.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 British Adventure Racing Championships 7.30 World SK8 Masters Featuring Tony Hawk 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sport Talk 10.55 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup 11.55 FILM: Paws 1.30 The Ashes: Third Test: Australia v England 1.55 Channel 4 attheraces from Newbury and Newcastle 4.00 Lost Worlds 5.00 Newyddion a Chwaraeon News and Sport.

5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Caeredin a Chaerdydd 7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.30 Twrio 8.30 Noson Lawen 9.30 Naw Tan Naw 10.00 Celebrity Big Brother Best Bits 11.00 The Ultimate Chart: The UK's Official 100 Best-Selling Singles 2.00 Late Night Poker 3.25 FILM: Mary Shelley's Frankenstein Ah, Kenny Kenny Kenny Branagh, you thin-lipped theatrical god.

Emma Thompson may have ditched you for Greg Wise, but I’ll stand by you. Except when it comes to this film, which is a steaming pile of baby spew. Still, it does feature a mutilated Helena Bonham-Carter. Which is nice.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 Fit for the Wild 6.35 Fit for the Wild 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake!

8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.30 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.25 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.20 The Edit 12.55 Popular 1.50 Harry and Cosh 2.20 Cleopatra 2525 2.50 Pop 3.20 Home and Away Omnibus 5.25 FILM: Dragonheart: A New Beginning 7.00 Charmed 7.50 Dark Angel 8.40 five news and sport 9.05 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.00 Law and Order 11.00 The Shield 12.00 FILM: Mind Breakers 1.35 FILM: Little Mo Woo! Eastenders mentalist punch bag Little Maureen Slater gets her own biopic, charting her rise from teenage soft-porn star (well, this is Channel Five) to respectable member of the Albert Square community. If you’re an Eastenders fan, don’t miss this. (NB - some or all of this listing may be false.)

4.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.05 Monsters 4.25 First Wave 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

Saturday 30 November

25

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Sunday 1 December BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 Christmas Is Coming 11.00 TV Mail 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 1.05 Keeping Up Appearances 1.35 EastEnders 3.30 The Life of Mammals 4.30 Points of View 4.45 BBC News 5.05 Regional News and Weather 5.10 Songs of Praise Presenter Jonathan Edwards visits Cape Town in South Africa.

Oh, when will the fundamentalist Mr. Bean-esque freak hop-skipand-jumper fuck off into oblivion?

5.45 My Family 6.15 Antiques Roadshow 7.00 Rolf on Art 7.30 Ground Force Revisits 8.00 Moses 9.00 Jeffrey Archer: The Truth Comic drama based on the premise that Jeffrey Archer has suffered disgrace and imprisonment for the good of the nation, with the truth suppressed for reasons of state security.This has potential. Definite potential.

10.00 BBC News 10.15 Jeffrey Archer: The Truth 10.45 Panorama: Bullied to Death?

11.30 FILM: White Mischief 1.15 FILM: Second Best 2.55 Joins BBC News 24 This week, TV Desk has been mostly: listening to Hole, and coming to the conclusion that Courtney Love is a far more important musician than Kurt Cobain ever was.

7.00 CBeebies 11.15 Robot Wars: The Sixth Wars 12.00 Gardeners' World 12.30 Wildlife on Two 1.00 Rough Science 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 Olympic Dreams 1.50 Curling 5.10 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 5.40 Kenya's Hidden Crabs 5.50 Big Cat Diary The cheetah cubs take on more than they can chew.

Shadow the leopard reveals that she is still a mother. The Marsh lions turn to hunting warthog. Yup, the African savannah appears to have turned into Neighbours.

6.20 Natural World: Killer Ants 7.10 An Archbishop Like This A poet and a scholar, Williams is also a public crusader unafraid to air his controversial views - his liberal attitude to gay priests has already antagonised some sections of the Church. Now, it’s not often I say this about Christians, but respect to this man. He’s also dissed Disney, which is ace.

8.00 Top Gear Includes a competition to find out the Fastest Faith. Ooh, if it’s gonna be a sprint race I’ll definitely be watching.

Odds on that the Pope won’t be first across the line.

9.00 Scrum V 9.45 Warship: A Correspondent Special 10.45 Band of Brothers 11.45 The X Files 12.30 Later with Jools Holland 2.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.25 Merlin the Magical Puppy 10.40 Upstairs Downstairs Bears 10.50 Maisy 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 That's Esther 12.30 Soccer Sunday 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 1.55 HTV News and Weather 2.00 Waterfront 2.40 FILM: Superman II 5.00 Wicks' Weekend 5.30 HTV News and Weather 5.45 Your Century 6.15 ITV News 6.30 The Premiership 7.00 New You've Been Framed!

7.30 Coronation Street Sally struggles to keep Alex out of her mind. I do seem to have that effect on people.

8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Doctor Zhivago The book and the film are fiery Russian classics, but TV Amy informs me that it’s an ITV adaptation. Can’t quite believe that they dared to lay their fingers on it. 10.30 ITV Weekend News 10.45 The Adventure of English 11.50 Ultimate Questions A debate on whether people should dare to be different. Not convinced that a debate is really necessary for that.

12.20 The Web Review 12.45 Brother's Keeper 1.10 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 My Favourite Hymns 3.00 FILM: Life in Danger 4.00 World Sport 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys By the sounds of this, I’m not entirely sure it should be on at this time.

11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 Eureka TV 4.30 Ace Lightning 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Darcy wants to return Chloe's gift. Fnarr! 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today is, again, wet and dreary. Grr. 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Airport 9.00 Merseybeat 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 999 11.15 First Degree 11.45 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross Am I alone on this, or is Mr Ross a complete and utter legend? Will he be the next host of Have I Got News For You? Hmm...12.20 FILM: Ethan Frome 2.00 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 6.50 Ever Wondered? 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Taxi 1.35 FILM: Summer Stock 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Carlton is unable to join in when Will and his friends boast about kissing women. Reminds me of the sadly absent TV Steve.

6.45 Farscape The crew are poisoned by a meal of alien molluscs. Well, if you insist on eating alien molluscs, what do you expect?

7.30 Time Flyers 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Blood of the Vikings 9.00 Dead Ringers 9.30 tlc 10.00 I'm Alan Partridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Network East 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone 12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Ever Wondered? 1.30 The Copulation Explosion Goodness me. 2.00 PSHE 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working for Yourself

The Copulation Explosion BBC2 1.30am

FILM: Very Bad Things S4C 10.25pm

S4C

five

6.20 The Hoobs 7.10 CatDog 7.35 Totally Spies! 8.05 Taina 8.35 Dawson's Creek 9.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 11.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Enterprise 2.55 Futurama 3.25 Maniffesto 4.25 Xtra Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Malu Canu 9.00 Treflan 10.10 Newyddion 10.25 FILM: Very Bad Things With Christian Slater and Cameron Diaz. Black comedy about a stag night that goes awry when a stripper and a hotel security man end up dead. This sounds like TV Desk’s kind of film. Christian and Cameron! Mmm. 12.15 The Ashes: Third Test: Australia v England 12.45 The Spartans 1.45 FILM: Flirting with Disaster With Ben Stiller, the talentless cnut.

Marginally more bearable than Adam Sandler, though. *shudder* 3.20 ICC World Cricket Week 3.45 Brazilian Championship Football

6.00 Fit for the Wild 6.25 It's Your Funeral 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Babar 9.30 Redwall 10.00 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 Revelations 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Audrey and Friends 12.50 five news 1.00 Pop 1.25 Charmed 2.25 5th Gear 2.55 FILM: The Secret Invasion 4.45 five news 5.10 Art Now 5.40 Britain's Worst Driver 6.10 FILM: Jack Frost Comic fantasy about a musician who neglects his family in pursuit of his career, and is then killed in a car accident - before finding a way back into his son's life when he is reincarnated as a snowman. *rubs eyes in disbelief* Yes, you read right. It’ll probably be sentimental schmaltz, though.

8.00 Animal Cannibals 9.00 FILM: Counter-force 10.40 The Shield 11.35 Arrest and Trial 12.05 The Vicious Circle 1.05 Challenge Tour 1.30 NFL Live 5.10 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 Bric a Brac 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Fingertips 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Pollard is devastated as Gloria heads for a life in politics. Well, fuck him probably just another man seeking to repress the emancipation of women through the patriarchal system. (Sorry, listening to Hole right now.)

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Stan the Man 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Real Life: Fighting for Danny 11.30 Champions League Weekly 12.05 Football League Extra 12.40 FILM: Deadly Surveillance 2.15 Today with Des and Mel 3.05 The New Addams Family 3.30 The Web Review 3.55 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.25 Montel 10.00 Encounters 10.10 FILM: The Ambushers 12.00 Cheers 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team Digs... The Early Romans 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra “No one in this room fucks me better than your wife” Courtney Love, But Julian, I’m A Little Older Than You. Love that woman. Love her.

7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Ffair Aeaf 8.30 Hwylio 9.00 Welsh in a Week 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 V Graham Norton CNUT! 11.10 Big Brother's Little Brother: Celebrity Reunion 12.15 Faking It 1.15 The Ashes: Third Test: Australia v England 1.40 The Sopranos 2.35 The Sopranos 3.35 Following the Rabbit-Proof Fence I really, really want to see this film.

But I have too much work and I am too ill. *sniff* 4.30 How's Your News? ‘Quite refreshing to have someone take an interest’ - a neglected News Desk. ‘Very well, thanks.’

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Dig and Dug 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Jazz Singer 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Fuck me, there are no fnarr-worthy plotlines this week. Not up to scratch at all.

7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles CNUT! 7.30 five news 8.00 World's Greatest Bridges 8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: Hudson Hawk 11.00 The FBI Files 12.05 NFL Update 12.40 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 1.35 Boxing: Fight of the Week ‘Darius and G-G-Gates’ - TV Amy. Not for the lecherous potential, she’d like to make clear. ‘Dubya and Saddam, cos Saddam would kick his arse’ News Desk. 2.25 Thoroughbred Grand Prix 3.15 Aussie Rules Football 4.05 Motorsport Mundial 4.30 Argentinian Football

Monday 2 December

Television

BBC1

GRiP

elevision

GRiP

26

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Tuesday 3 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.30 Viva S Club 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Wild West 9.30 Linda Green 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Exchange with Huw Edwards 11.05 Cable TV 11.35 Fame Academy Uncunt 12.05 FILM: The Price of Beauty 1.35 Sign Zone: Fame, Set and Match 2.35 Sign Zone: Wild Weather 3.35 Sign Zone: See Hear on Saturday 4.20 Joins BBC News 24 According to the Guardian today, the word ‘fuck’ is so tame it’s no longer a swear word. Hurrah! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity-fuck fuck.

Har har har.

6.00 Open University: Bajourou Music of Mali 6.30 Playing Safe 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.10 You're the Boss 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Yoho Ahoy 1.15 FILM: Step Lively 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Hidden Gardens 8.00 HomeFront 9.00 Hypersex Oh, it’s just too obvious. Actually, this looks like a very interesting documentary on the limits of sexual experience. See, I am mature.

9.50 Celebrity Relics 10.00 The Kumars at No 42 Perhaps they can ask their guest Richard E. Grant just how much Argos paid for his soul?

10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Paxman.

11.20 Mega Mela Awards Show 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Civil War 1.00 The Euro Beat 1.30 Welfare for All? 2.00 Secondary Schools 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working for Yourself: Getting Started 2

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 MaryKate and Ashley in Action! 4.35 Clueless 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 After They Were Famous 8.00 FILM: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace It might be a bit obvious to kick off on an anti-Star Wars rant, but hey, I’m writing this and you’re not. So suck it up, bitch. Star Wars is a jumped-up toy advert of a film, no more worthy of attention than the enormous spot currently residing on my chin is and Star Wars geeks give geeks a bad name. So there.

10.25 ITV News at Ten 10.55 Smash!

11.55 Barry Welsh is Coming 12.25 Ghost Stories 12.55 Strictly Soho 1.20 The Machine 1.50 Today with Des and Mel 2.40 Entertainment Now! 3.05 World Sport 3.30 Football League Extra 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.30 Stacey Stone 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 Best Inventions 7.55 The National Lottery: Midweek 8.00 Animal Hospital 8.30 Fawlty Towers 9.00 The Life of Mammals: Plant Predators 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Love on the Rock 11.05 FILM: Primal Fear 1.15 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2.00 Sign Zone 3.40 Sign Zone: What the Stuarts Did for Us 4.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Meaning in Abstract Art 6.30 The Spanish Chapel, Florence 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Yoho Ahoy 1.15 FILM: The Fabulous Dorseys 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News; Weather 4.00 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Sue You, Sir! BBC2 wins the prize for the worse punning title of the week.

8.00 The Life Laundry 8.30 Have You Remembered What Not to Wear?

9.00 Habitat... And Me 9.50 Babyfather 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 In the Picture 11.50 Mega Mela Awards Show 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: From Here to Modernity 1.00 Open Advice 1.30 Sydney - Living with Difference 2.00 Secondary Schools: PSHE 4.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 7-8 5.00 Working for Yourself: Using the Internet

FILM: The Birds ITV1 10.55pm

Hairy Women five 10pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.25 Montel 10.00 King of the Hill 10.30 FILM: Earth vs the Flying Saucers 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Edward and Mary: The Unknown Tudors 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 4.30 Planed Plant: Labordy 5-4-3-2-1 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Ffair Aeaf 8.30 Yr Helfa 9.00 Jamie's Kitchen TV Guide tradition No. 1,001: Fat tongued cnut!

10.00 Treflan 11.10 V Graham Norton 11.40 More Sex Tips for Girls 12.10 Scrubs 12.40 The Ashes: Third Test: Australia v England 1.10 Frasier 1.40 Frasier 2.05 Offenders 2.35 The Art Show: Revolt in Fashion 3.00 Conduct Unbecoming 3.55 FILM: The Silver Fleet

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Dig and Dug 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The West Side Waltz 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 The Man Who Killed Suzy Lamplugh?

9.00 Hitler's Britain: Occupation 10.00 Hairy Women 11.00 Beach, Bums and Boobs 11.35 Law and Order 12.30 Steve Redgrave Golf 12.55 NFL: Game of the Week: Oakland Raiders v New York Jets 4.10 Rally UK 4.35 European Drag Racing Championship 5.00 Dutch Football: Heerenveen v Ajax

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Titch 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.05 Hey Arnold! 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Cruise Ship 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Taggart 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 2DTV 10.55 FILM: The Birds Ooo, a classic. Old Hitch surpasses himself with the fantastically menacing film.

1.05 Holidays from Hell 2002 2.00 FILM: Jack Reed: A Search for Justice 3.30 Coach 3.55 International Motor Racing 4.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News It’s come to my attention that certain music writers have given both Nickelback and Jennifer Lopez three stars in this fornight’s reviews. Cease and desist, fuckers!

And get some music taste, pronto.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.25 Montel 10.00 Montel 10.30 FILM: Battle at Bloody Beach 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Migmas 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: ABC 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Scrapheap Challenge 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Torri Bol 4.20 Planed Plant: 13'30` Munud o Enwogrwydd 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Haf Ganol Gaeaf 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Ar y Bocs 9.00 Property Ladder 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.35 Brookside Omnibus 12.05 Sex and the City 12.40 FILM: Kansas City 2.35 The Trouble with Condoms Oh thank you S4C! Just as I was wondering how to fill this space, I notice this. The trouble with condoms? The little fuckers never stay on, never fit properly (TV Amy, you do know why they don’t fit on you? - TV Alex) and are generally a huge passion-killer...

3.35 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Dig and Dug 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Wrong Guy John Leslie tries to clear his name.

5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 The Real James Bond's Gadgets Dildos and S&M harnesses, probably.

9.00 FILM: Witness to the Mob 11.30 California Escorts: Parttimers 12.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 12.30 La Femme Nikita 1.15 NHL Ice Hockey Live: Dallas Stars v Montreal Canadiens 4.05 Ironman Triathlon: Brazil 4.50 Golf: UBS Warburg Cup 5.35 Fastrax ... but er... don’t listen to me, I’m a disease-filled whore. Stay safe kids and use them anyway. Chlamydia is a worse passion-killer.

Wednesday 4 December

27

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Thursday 5 December BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.30 The Wild Thornberrys 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours The rift between Harold and Lou grows.

Fnarr, but ugh.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders Kat feels under pressure to find a date. Must be all that cheap make-up pressing down on her face.

8.00 My Family 8.30 Ground Force 9.00 Life on Air 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time Panellists include Tory peer Lord Tebbit. Bless him, is he still alive? His ideas are certainly dead. 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 Faith in Fashion 12.35 FILM: The Disappearing Act TV Steve. Essay deadline my arse. 2.10 Sign Zone: The Life Laundry 2.40 Sign Zone: Watchdog 3.10 Joins BBC News TV Desk has a new theme song: NYC Cunt by Princess Superstar. Marvellous.

6.00 Open University 6.30 Cybersouls 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 FILM: Higher and Higher 2.40 Westminster Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA Proof of Americans’ stupidity: 11% of them cannot find their own country on a world map. Probably including their president. 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Magic Islands 8.00 Escape to the Country A couple from Bristol decide to trade in their Victorian town house for a house in Somerset. They’ll soon find it’s the biggest mistake they’ve ever, ever made. 8.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 9.00 Horizon: The Day the Earth Nearly Died The day the Norton cnut was born. 9.50 Look around You 10.00 The League of Gentlemen 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Mega Mela Revealed 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone 1.05 Truth Will Out Not if TV Desk can bloody help it. 1.25 Cell City 2.00 Food - Whose Choice Is It Anyway? Certainly not mine, unless it’s white chocolate. 2.30 Rocky Shores 3.00 BBC Learning Zone 5.00 Working for Yourself

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 Presenters Revisited 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius Hey - I’m the only boy genius around here, and don’t you ever forget it.

Now fuck off out of it. 4.15 Out There 4.30 Harry and the Wrinklies 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Emily fears she's failing as Paddy and Jacob bond.

Fnarr! That’s what we like to see.

7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill Preparations are underway for the Sun Hill Christmas party. Bet it’s not going to be as ace as the gair rhydd one.

9.00 Wire in the Blood 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Crime Secrets 11.30 Sharp End Debate 12.30 Night and Day 1.25 In Profile 1.50 ITV at the Festivals 2002 2.45 Mixmasters 3.10 Cybernet 3.40 Popped in, Crashed Out 4.05 Get Stuffed 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 4.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Summer goes to extremes to impress Max. Well, she’s got a porn-star name already.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport With guests Matt Le Tissier, Nigel Benn, Ilie Nastase and Paula Radcliffe.

‘Paula Radcliffe makes me cry every year, I love her so much.

She’s a legend’ - Sports Desk get emotional. 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Fame Academy 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.20 FILM: Switchback 1.20 FILM: Horror Express 2.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: the Jerk and the Jounce Eh? 6.30 Energy through the Window 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies 1.10 Seniors’ Tennis 3.20 News 3.30 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Gardeners' World 7.15 Scrum V Live TV Desk would like to concur with Sports Desk that rugby twats are clearly repressing their true sexuality. But then, it’s not as if football is entirely free of homosexual undertones.

9.30 Building the Impossible 10.20 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Later with Jools Holland With Coldplay, Foo Fighters, Robbie Williams and 1 Giant Leap. Respectively: rather sweet, disgracefully bad cnuts, the fool to end all fools and over-produced world music gubbins. 12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.15 FILM: Book of Life Ooh! Film starring the goddess PJ Harvey! TV Desk commands you to watch. 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

FILM: Book Of Life BBC2 1.15am

Q: 15 Years S4C 11.35pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.25 Montel 10.00 Montel 10.35 FILM: The Beast of Hollow Mountain 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The English Church 2.15 Location, Location, Location 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Dudley 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Haf Ganol Gaeaf 8.30 Naw Tan Naw Sex is always on their minds at Gwalia Stores, but this time Islwyn goes too far.

Just like TV Desk, except nothing’s ever too far for us. Except maybe fisting.

9.00 Llafur Gwlad 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.35 Slaymaker 11.05 Eurotrash 11.35 Q: 15 Years ...of blandly catering to Mondeo man and the one-album-ayear brigade. 12.35 Alias 1.25 Death and the Bodybuilder 2.25 Marrying a Stranger 3.25 FILM: The Silent Enemy

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Dig and Dug 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Crooked Road 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Matt is interested in things between Kelly and Karen. Fnarr!

7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: See No Evil, Hear No Evil 10.00 FILM: Oxygen With Maura Tierney and Adrien Brody.

Ooh, he’s in the new Tori Amos video! 11.55 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.35 Dutch Football 2.00 Argentinian Football 3.35 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.20 Five Football Classic: Hibernian v Rangers

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go 2.30 News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Art Attack 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Family Fortunes 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 New You've Been Framed! 9.00 FILM: True Lies ‘Jamie Lee Curtis used to have a penis. My biology teacher told me’ - Sports Desk disturbs us. ‘It’s the worst title for a film, like, ever’, chips in News Desk. 10.45 ITV Weekend News 11.15 FILM: True Lies 12.10 Harry Hill's TV Burp 12.40 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 1.10 Dial-a-Date 1.40 FILM: Ringmaster 3.15 Entertainment Now! 3.45 UB40 in Profile 4.10 World Football 4.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News This issue’s soundtrack: a Hole compilation CD; the 24 Hour Party People soundtrack; PJ Harvey, Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea; Tori Amos, From The Choirgirl Hotel; Princess Superstar, Last Of The Great 20th Century Composers.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.25 Montel 10.05 Postmodern Pastimes 10.20 FILM: Captain Boycott 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.00 Sali Mali 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Lost Worlds 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy Rachel S Club’s been referring to S Club Juniors as ‘Sidney Cook Juniors’, after the famous paedo. Didn’t know she had such a sense of humour; we like. 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Yma Mae 'Nghan 8.30 Cefn Gwlad 9.00 Friends 9.30 Friends 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.35 The Osbournes 11.05 Eurotrash 11.35 Born Sloppy Sara Cox and Colin Murray present a quirky new eclectic music show with guests and regular features such as Name That Tune at 75mph. Hmm. Love the gorgeous Coxy to bits (as long as I don’t have to actually listen to her when I wake up), but not sure if I entirely trust her taste in music over the course of a whole show.

12.20 Robbie Williams: Nobody Someday Hopefully, someday very soon. Twat. It’ll be fun watching America ignore him, at any rate.

2.05 Comedy Lab 3.00 Brazilian Championship Football

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Dig and Dug 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Peter Gunn 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Sally and Fisher go head to head at the town meeting. Oh, this beats all the other ‘fnarr’s hands down. As it were.

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Killer Waves 9.00 A Mind to Kill 10.55 FILM: The Corporate Ladder 1.00 FILM: God's Gun 2.35 FILM: Murder in New Hampshire Truecrime drama in which a young high-school teacher, bored by her respectable marriage and driven by selfish desires, plans the murder of her husband. She seduces a 16year-old student and sets about transforming him into a killer.

Wish exciting things like this had happened at my school. 4.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters

Friday 6 December

Television

BBC1

GRiP

Focus

gair rhydd features section Free Word no.731 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

25 11 02

Moors murderer takes her secrets to the grave

Abbi Shaw hopes that the death of Britains most notorious killer will kill her legend

I

would never want to do her the honour of an obituary, but the death of Myra Hindley is too significant an event to let pass without comment. Her death must have come as an immense relief to the government, amongst others, for in the next fortnight a bill is to be passed concerning the release of reformed long-term prisoners, amongst whom Hindley was likely to be included.

Had Hindley ever been released, the public outcry that would have ensued in our media-driven social climate would have been enormous, and rightly so.

However, it was also have done society the terrible, terrible disservice of encouraging the myth and infamy that has surrounded her, and has developed through the period of her imprisonment. I cannot deny that, from a psychological point of view, it is almost natural to want to pry into the mind of a criminal and to find what it is in them that enables them to not only conceive of such horrific crimes, but to carry them out.

However, in the case of Hindley, and the man who allegedly pushed her into carrying out the attacks and murders, Ian Brady, I have no interest in seeing into their minds; no wish to give them any more space in the world than is absolutely necessary. If you aren’t familiar with the details of the Moors Murders, then consider yourselves lucky, as I have no intention of discussing them here. I fervently disapprove of the tendencies some of the papers have displayed to print the explicit details of the events, because they

involved the sadistic torture and eventual murder of at least four young children and a teenager, all of whom have relatives and parents alive today. The discussion of their actions as if they were public property dehumanises, to a certain extent, their victims, and with repetition, makes these actions disturbingly more palatable.

I am glad Hindley is dead. I am sorry it didn’t happen earlier. She poses to me one of the only concrete cases for reinstating the death penalty, suspended only a year before Hindley’s sentence.

This is a woman who confessed, without remorse, to the crimes of which she was accused. There can be no doubt of her warped pride in what she did, and accordingly for her to have been swiftly and painfully removed from this existence would, in my opinion, have been the best thing that could have

happened. It would have provided the families with something of a full stop to the situation, and spared them this appalling decade of debates about whether or not she was a “reformed” character, whether or not she should have been released, or whether or not she was insane. Every time these debates were accompanied with said details, dredging up the pain of the past time and time again for the victims’ families.

The argument as to the amount to which Hindley had “reformed” I find completely irrelevant. Even if she displayed constant, emotive remorse, painfully reliving those moments day after day, and begged to be allowed to make a contribution to society I would, firstly, not have believed her and secondly, I wouldn’t have cared.

She forfeited her human rights, as did Brady, when she consented to murder and torture. Imprisoning her, and giving so much time and space to her stories, only served to perpetuate the almost iconic myth that surrounded her.

I hope now that the ghosts of the victims of the Moors murderers can be laid to rest, that their families can find some kind of line to draw under the case, and that this dreadful media circus can end.

We do not need to know any more; the public do not have the right, and should not have the inclination, to delve any further into this case.

I could have written a vitriolic article, full of insults, sensationalist swearing and pure horror, but there are more than enough of these. My point is only that she is dead; perhaps at last this can be the end. Full stop.

FocusFocusFocusFocus The Sniper attacks on Washington - The Perils of Fame Fashion Lenses - Fame Academy Considered - Pot Noodles

16• Focus

gair rhydd 25 11 02

The Threat of Invisible Terror Leaving a trail of victims in his wake, the so called Washington sniper spread fear in America’s capital and surrounding communities. Iain Windle looks at the local reaction to the crisis and the outcomes from it.

F

ollowing what is now believed to be the end of the series of shootings in the greater Washington area, local residents are returning to normal life. The Washington sniper killed ten people and wounded three others over a twenty two day period, leaving families and neighbourhoods devastated by the terrifying killer.

While he didn’t create mass hysteria or panic, the sniper understandably made residents extremely anxious. It is hard to imagine the eeriness of not knowing whether anything you do outdoors is safe from an expert marksman gone mad, who could be anywhere in your local area.

What made the crisis particularly terrifying was that the sniper made no discrimination in his targets. Old or young, male or female, the only thing that linked them was their visibility at the time they were killed. For example, it was widely reported by the press of people being shot while standing at their cars in petrol stations The sniper struck many times at dusk, when a standing target in a well lit area and a stream of evening traffic to escape into provided him with an easy environment to kill. A gunman prepared to shoot anybody is therefore likely to affect everybody, and I was interested in how the people of the area dealt with the situation, particularly as my family are currently living in a Virginia suburb of Washington.

Local communities reacted in different ways. The Guardian Angels, a national organisation of civilians interested in helping police with public order issues, offered to fill up people’s cars for them, so that they wouldn’t be exposed as they bought their petrol.

They deliberately wore bright red jackets and hats to demonstrate to the public that life could continue normally as far as possible.

The fact that only two petrol stations were manned like this shows it was more of a symbolic gesture rather than a public service, but it did lift the spirits of local residents, and reflect the attitude of the whole region in general.

The reaction of schools was very important. After analysing a note left by the sniper on October 19, it was announced that it had

included the phrase, “Your children are not safe”. Child safety was a priority, especially in the light of this message. Already a thirteen year old schoolboy had been shot and injured as he got out of a car at his school in Maryland, north east of Washington on the 7th of October.

At my brother’s high school in Falls Church, Virginia, not far from the scene of the twelfth shooting, there was a ‘code red alert’ system put in place. At the sound of an alarm, all students were instructed to get out of the sightline of the classroom windows and doors. Pupils were still allowed outside during breaks but regular sports practices and team games were halted. This satisfied the

One woman was quoted on the BBC, “The decision to close schools seems laughable - so all the teenagers are hanging out at malls today instead” (the sniper struck four times outside shopping centres). majority of students and parents of the school, because while the attacks were occurring everyone was understandably worried, but at the same time didn’t want their lives disrupted unnecessarily.

While the main priority in these measures was safety, it was noted by family and friends in the area that local institutions such as schools, felt in some way accountable to the media. In other words, as the crisis went on and schools and businesses started to consider the unthinkable, they also thought of the media backlash

if they were perceived to have not done enough in terms of safety.

For instance, shutting schools in Maryland and Virginia was a popular safety measure, but there was some negative reaction to this by the American public. One woman was quoted on the BBC, “The decision to close schools seems laughable - so all the teenagers are hanging out at malls today instead” (the sniper struck four times outside shopping centres).

The feeling that shutting schools was in some way ‘passing the buck’ identified the crux of the problem for people living in the large affected area. Regardless of whether schools staying closed was a good decision, it did bring out the point that however much people changed their regular behaviour, the same level of risk was still there. The sniper proved that any everyday task outdoors was potentially dangerous, clearly as the attackers capable shot meant there was nowhere in the open where residents were completely safe.

The outcomes of the shootings will be varied. In the medium to long term, I think it will continue to make Americans question their security on their own soil, an important issue with regard to the events of September 11th. It is not thought that the sniper’s attacks were the work of a specific terrorist organisation, and neither is this the first time that serial killers have terrorised parts of the US. However, due to the timing of the shootings, when global terrorism is such an important current issue, these murders will add to a sense of American and worldwide unease, with the events of Bali and Moscow so recent in everyone’s minds.

In conclusion, I think it is important to remember that these events are all relative. In that I mean, and as my close family and family friends living there have said many times in connection with the sniper, there is more chance of being killed in a car accident or house fire than there was of being a victim. This is not intended to trivialise the loss of those who died, as I have the deepest sympathy for their families who lost someone they loved.

It is merely to sum up the majority reaction of Washington’s residents, that life must go on in a world where everything is unpredictable.

gair rhydd 25 11 02

Focus • 17

FAME: Are you really sure you want your fix?

Lucy Fitzpatrick looks at the hazards and pitfalls of fame. The poor dears...

F

orget heroin, crack cocaine... if this month’s shenanigans are anything to go by; it would appear that fame is the most deadly fix of all. Like a drug addiction that spirals uncontrollably, the dizzy heights of fame prove equally as proficient in coaxing the dark and sinister side out of anyone’s personality.

You see, when you’re high you sincerely believe that your excrement is chocolate. You’re untouchable... unstoppable... little short of God! Now look at the recent antics of our favourite television stars John Leslie and Angus Deayton and make your own conclusions.

This fix might not come in a syringe, but it certainly shoots confusing signals to the brain, which appear to make the body act irrationally and remorselessly. These are two men who reaped the benefits of stardom shamelessly, whilst naively believing that fame enclosed them in their own little bubble, where they could live by their own rules whilst being protected from the moral implications of their actions in the real world.

John Leslie was desperate for fame and fortune. An affable Scotsman with a seemingly kind, cuddly nature, he first bounced onto our screens as a children’s television presenter on Blue Peter. He climbed the career ladder quickly, but the side effects of the sudden thrust into the limelight were not so pleasant.

Colleagues say he became a manipulative, egotistical womaniser who sincerely believed that every woman he met should want to sleep with him. One unfortunate victim reported Leslie to be the sweetest gentleman when she met him in company, but one who turned into a monster when they were alone later in the back of his limousine. Forcefully taking her hand and slapping his manhood out into the palm of it, he apparently growled, ‘Come on baby. You know you want it.’ Perleease!

Similarly, Angus Deayton had a stick wedged so firmly up his arse that he actually started to believe that the natural charm and wit that made him a star entitled him to fulfil his every sexual fantasy irrespective of the wife and family he had at home.

The question on all our minds though is WHY? Why do young, talented men risk throwing everything away on a whim?

OK, we’re probably all familiar with the risk factor in one way

or another - the illicit thrill of being caught, blah, blah, blah. But a drunken fumble behind a partner’s back or a quick shag in a bush is not exactly on the same grandeur scale as these guys’ excessive, drug-fuelled, three-in-the bed romps with high-class prostitutes or repeated sex attacks on young women.

You may be thinking; yeah, but these guys are famous! Isn’t this the kind of lifestyle they lead? Sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll and all that. Doesn’t their celebrity status give them the power to blast a few more rounds of air into their already massively

inflated egos through a coked-up haze?

Well, no. Frankly, it does not. Because the fact is these men are not in the music industry where notorious behaviour is commonplace. These are two admired, well-respected television stars at the pinnacle of their careers. If they were members of a grungy rock band, they might have been able get away with getting completely off their head and romping with adoring fans.

But for heaven’s sake; these guys present wholesome family entertainment. Some women might just want to believe that the guy that they are watching over cornflakes and coffee is the innocent, sweet-natured charmer that he appears to be.

Vanessa Feltz put it quite aptly on GMTV when she said that television presenters are ‘ambassadors’ of the channel. She may have particular personal reasoning behind her happiness over Deayton’s eventual axing from Have I Got News For You (she has been the butt of their cruel jokes for the last few weeks), but she is correct in saying that many viewers were simply unable to view Deayton’s role in the show with irony, following the continuous revelations about his character in previous weeks.

Yes, it has been hilarious television as we have watched Deayton squirm while being ripped to pieces by his merciless colleagues, but you cannot help thinking about how his poor wife must be feeling as he sits there smirking and shrugging off crude comments about his sex life.

This brings me nicely to my next point. How far are executives of British television willing to go in protecting their stars in the name of profit and entertainment? Is it their desire to keep ratings climbing that has allowed stars such as Barrymore and Deayton to indulge so freely in the excesses of fame? Keep the coke and the women flowing as long as they are dishing out the goods, eh? And what does this mean for the stars? If they have no strict moral guidelines to adhere to, can we really expect them to curb their own behaviour in order to save their own soul? I think not. They’ll just carry on until their careers are suddenly stopped dead in their tracks. And let’s face it, this is only likely to happen if the demand is high enough. As an audience, we taught Barrymore that we do not suffer fools gladly, but do you really believe that the BBC would have banned his book if there had not have been such an outcry at the idea that a star could earn thousands from such disgusting behaviour?

So before all you wannabes start falling over yourselves to apply for next year’s Big Brother, have a think whether fame is a fix that you really crave.

A sight for sore eyes Gemma Field looks at the new fashion in contact lenses

I

was sitting rather uncomfortably in the opticians – I was on one of those chairs where the back is so far forward you’re forced to sit bolt upright looking like someone has stuck a very large and somewhat painful pole up your behind. Anyway, there I was surveying the room, when my eyes came to rest on an advert for coloured contact lenses. My immediate reaction was to scowl disapprovingly and to turn up my nose in disgust. After all, contact lenses were not supposed to be fun, were they?

As a member of the Society for the Visually Impaired, I failed to see how colouring the lenses was going to transform them into something exciting. My daily ritual dulled the appeal.

Every morning I had to wrestle with those little round bits of plastic and jam them in my eyes, and every night I had to fish around to prise them out again. And if that wasn’t enough, I had to do it all with the painful knowledge that I was physically flawed.

In fact, the only pleasure I ever had from knowing that I was an imperfect being was that I had some special toys that all those 20/20 vision freaks didn’t have. Firstly, I got to enjoy the fun of glasses. Everyone got to try them on and agree that I really was verging on the edge of being dangerously blind. No one kept them on too long, of course, lest they developed some strange strain of disease through the glasses.

Next, I moved on to experience the joys of contact lenses. They still had a strangely intriguing appeal to the non-wearer. There was something about the poking and prodding and the exotic nature of the whole ritual that had people enthralled. This fascination from many Perfect Ones gave me a little window of glamour in my unglamorous world. For a brief moment, I was allowed to shine.

But the invention of coloured contacts meant that anyone could share in my little ritual.

Everywhere I turned I was constantly taunted by the plague known as Coloured Contact Lenses: the tools used to taunt and harass us visual outcasts. And to make it worse, most of these nasty little things were Just For Fun. JUST FOR FUN!! It was hard to see exactly how they could be deemed fun. It takes a rather masochistically minded individual to enjoy poking their finger around inside their eyes.

But then it’s not all about pain: it’s about looks as well. Coloured contact lenses represent the superficiality of the world that we live in. It’s not just matching bags and matching clothes that we want; we want matching eyes as well! It’s not like we came to university to perfect our minds or beautify our souls. Fashion is consuming enough. So if coloured contacts are the thing to have, then we’re going to be queuing up for them. What does that make us? I’d say

American, but that would be unfair. So instead, I’ll say bored. In the end, there’s only so much time we can spend thinking. There have to be a few hours in the week dedicated to pure, unadulterated joy. And that joy comes in the form of two circular pieces of plastic that you stick in your eyes.

As you can see, what began as a way to mock our pitiful alliance with these coloured contact manufacturers has become a celebration of their ingenuity. After I got over the fact that any mere mortal can own a pair, I decided it was time I discovered the attraction. So I put my prejudices aside and tried to understand this phenomenon. I soon realised that their charm lies in the sheer choice on offer. The first way they appealed to me was that you get to confuse those around you by parading around in a colour that neither suits your colouring nor your complexion. Then you could also have the chance to state your national or international allegiance with a striking pair in the flag of your choice. And as if that wasn’t enough, there are a huge number of purely bizarre designs for when you’re feeling a little unbalanced. In fact, you could end up having a different pair for each night of the week.

However, the real turning point for me was when I saw a striking pair in lime green. Seeing that I have a slightly dubious obsession with anything in this delicious colour, these lured me

into the world of coloured contact lenses. I realised that there was a pair that were just for me. Before I knew it, I was revelling in their splendour. I realised that I was willing to succumb to superficiality if it came in such an appealing form. I already had lime green walls, and lime green clothes, and now I could have lime green eyes as well. The thought of being able to have the windows to my soul shining in full citrus beauty was a magical discovery. They would be the perfect fashion accessory, the finishing touch to any outfit. I could see myself - a vision in green.

It was then that I realised that it was all about finding the ones for you. Once you establish which ones demonstrate the real you, it’s very difficult to resist buying them. We may have become a culture that’s willing to buy into whatever’s on offer, but when it’s something as inventive as coloured contact lenses, you can see why. When placed alongside glow sticks and dyed hair there is really no comparison.

So now I just can’t wait for National Coloured Contact Lens week. There’s bound to be one isn’t there? If they can have Apple Pie Week anything is possible. I’ll be there sporting my lime green beauties. I just have to get my matching outfit ready in preparation. Maybe I’ll be selected for an Apple Tango advert at the same time. Then my life will be complete!

18 • Focus

gairrhydd 2002-2003

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gair rhydd 25 11 02

Diana and the pot noodle... the whole story exclusive to GR

Well, not really. I’m sure Diana was too sensible to go near a Pot Noodle, but we thought we’d jump on the Royal bandwagon anyhow, in the hope of “selling” more papers. This is, however about those infamous dehydrated snacks, and they’re more interesting than you’d think, as Charlotte Essex discovers...

P

ot Noodles: what exactly are they? They are a dehydrated mixture of chemicals and noodles (about 96g) which come in a pot (hence the name) with a delicate tin foil lid that you can peel back ceremoniously to reveal the noodles and a sachet of sauce.

What most people are unaware of is that Pot Noodles and all its associated branding and trade marks no longer belong to Golden Wonder. The company is now owned by ‘Best Foods’ which is an upcoming food company that no-one has yet heard of. In the days when Pot Noodles belonged to Golden Wonder, the products were sold with labels identifying that the Pot Noodles contained genetically modified material. This label has mysteriously vanished and has not been replaced by a GM-free label. So if you are particular about such things, you have been warned.

I have never got used to the taste of Pot Noodles. Maybe it is an acquired taste or maybe you just get used to the lack of taste, but in my case that has never happened. It’s the opposite to Marmite, there is no love or hate involved in the taste, it’s just alright, as student food, it’ll do. They are easy and quick to cook, ideal for a snack, and not so heavy on the purse, but there’s no substance there. Speaking from experience 20 minutes after snacking on a pot of Pot Noodles, my stomach was rumbling again.

And the flavour- what flavour you might ask- resembles nothing like the flavour advertised on the packet. The smell, however, when making pot noodles is so pungent, it is enough to deter any hungry person from eating if a tub of Pot Noodles is what is on the menu.

There are a wide variety of equally untasty flavours in the world of Pot Noodles, ranging from ‘pizza’ to ‘chow mein’ to good old ‘chicken and mushroom.’ Now there’s a new addition to the flock. It’s called the Bombay Bad Boy flavour and has been described as a “very hot sauce” though that’s debatable.

To promote this spicy new flavour the ‘Hot Noodle Bombay Bad Boy team’ is coming to Cardiff on their tour around the UK. They are going to spice things up at five popular drinking holes in Cardiff. On Saturday 16th November the team will be going to Reflex, Square, The Old Monk and Sam’s, all situated on St. Mary’s Street, and also making an appearance at the flyhalf and Firkin on Westgate Street. There will be local celebrities

attending the event, although as of yet only Ralph Little has been confirmed. Ralph Little is going to be dressed up as the Bombay Bad boy himself.

The evening will consist of games like ‘Hot Shot’ and ‘Dare’ to entice people to participate in the Bombay Bad Boy evening. There is also an

opportunity to win tickets to the infamous ‘Pot Noodle Night of Misbehaviour ’ which is taking place on Saturday 1 4 t h December in a secret location in London. Better known celebrities are rumoured to be attending that event, with the likes of Caprice making an appearance.

The games themselves sound rather foolish, though maybe under the influence of alcohol they might seem slightly more appealing.

‘Hot Shot’ is a tabletop version of Russian roulette, using six shots of Hot Noodle Bombay Bad Boy. One shot will be laced with a whole sachet of Bombay sauce.

The challenge is for drinkers to spin the wheel, drink their shot, and then find out the unlucky player who has the shot with extra hot sauce.

Sounds like fun. Hmmm.

‘Dare’ is an equally hilarious game. Drinkers roll the custom made ‘dare’ dice and see what outrageous dare their friends have to undertake. Dares include, ‘persuade a man to take his boxer shorts off for you.’

Again, my sides are splitting with this unique idea.

The pot noodle team is also going to provide a mobile ‘confessional box’ built in the back of a specially designed truck, elaborately decorated with the Bombay bad boy theme in mind.

The van is said to imitate the Big Brother-style diary room. Drinkers can confess their cheekiest pranks and sauciest deeds. The confession that impresses the judges the most can win a pair of tickets to the ‘Pot Noodle Night of Misbehaviour.’ To avoid the carnage of this event you can simply text in to try and win the tickets to the ‘Pot Noodle Night of Misbehaviour.’ (See packets for details.) For all those out there who don’t share my distaste for Pot Noodles they have kindly donated 30 packets of their new flavour to gair rhydd for anyone who is willing to try it. Simply send in your name and contact details to gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com.

Please claim these unloved noodles. Save us...

gair rhydd 25 11 02

Fame, Set and Match

Focus • 19

Abbi Shaw leads Popscene into a frenzy for another nice boy on our screens, and adds more debating fuel to the Reality TV fire.

F

ame Academy has suffered rather more than I think it should have as a result of the BBC’s slightly poor timing. Starting the show post-Big Brother and mid-Popstars meant that this new show, a combination of the two, had to compete with both original programmes at once.

Market saturation has left us unwilling to give new programmes the chance they deserve, which is a great shame, because if you aren’t watching this, you are missing out.

If you are wrong enough to be unfamiliar with the ways of the Academy then, briefly, they all live together in a big mansion next to Sting’s house. In addition to the students are a few entertaining members of staff, a headmaster far nicer than any I ever had, singing, dance and songwriting tutors and a personal tutor/counsellor who is actually pleasant enough for them to talk through “issues” with. Students are expected to spend all their time in the day improving their singing, dancing and songwriting skills, leaving their evenings free to get drunk, bond with each other and have group sing-a-longs.

Cameras track their every word and move, and all is edited and complied for us to view several times a week. Every Monday three students are put on probation, which is basically intended to provide them with a bit of a kick in the back to make them work harder.

These students then “sing for survival” on the live Friday night show. The public vote off one student, but with an ingenious twist; it is the remaining students themselves that decide who stays from the two left over. Makes for a lovely bit of pop psychology…

Finally it seems fair to mention the prize for being the last student left. The winning student will claim a prize reputed to be worth over £1.5 million – a year living the life as a true star. That means a year’s recording contract and PR, the use of a fantastically modern and spacious apartment in London, entrance to

anything that’s anything in the music world, champagne and flowers delivered weekly, a flash car and almost any other trapping you can imagine. You couldn’t really ask for more.

Apart from the magnitude of the prize which, to be honest, I think everyone does forget about, there is a reasonable difference between Fame Academy and these older programmes; one that makes it entirely worth watching. The people in Fame Academy have talent. Now that’s not to say that the people in Popstars don’t (but don’t try to tell me anyone from Big Brother has), but to be fair, the Popstars, especially the girls, just sing nicely.

And look a bit skinny. They’re not proper pop stars, no charisma. And they come ten-a-penny in the top 40 these days.

You look at the six remaining (five now, I suppose, and I bet you from time of writing my favourite has already been kicked out because hey, that’s just how this journalism thing works) and at least four of those left are proper stars. They can all play endless amounts of instruments, can all write pretty good songs, can all talk in sentences, and can all sing with their own, original style. Probably only soulful Lamarr would ever have made it into even the second round of Pop Stars though wonderful, lovely Ainslie would have been out on his ear in seconds with the laughter of Pete and Louis ringing in his ears (Geri would have understood I think). This is a different class of pop star. Granted, the Academy’s youngest student Katy is annoying, but what with all this putting her on probation every week for the last six weeks, you can only compliment the staff for trying to give her a personality.

Suffering, you see, leading to greatness. Ha! However, Ainslie is the new everything, and certainly motivates me to bother with this article at all. He’s a sweet, slightly fluffy, unfathomably attractive Scottish boy you could take home to your parents, who’s equally not afraid of getting drunk and causing havoc with a water fight, or wrestling with Malachi (who

I only wrote this so we could print this picture!

Fame Academy: making poor use of a piano is twice the size of him). Yet another thing that distinguishes the BBC from ITV and adds to the above point was the moment in last week’s episode where Carrie, the singing tutor, turned to Ainslie and told him that he was allowed to “sing out of tune” because that was his style.

Now that is sensible recognition of individual character, and displays an understanding of what the public want these days. If we wanted clean-cut, in tune, polished, pure pleasantlycadenced pop stars, Christina Aguilera would never have got to number one last week, looking and singing as she does. If there was any justice in this world Ainslie would win the whole affair hands down simply by being able to do everything a little less than perfectly.

Popstars, current series included, has only ever given us dull people. A bit of warbling does not make a star. There’s always that Xfactor that lots of people like to talk about but very few actually have; and even less can spot.

Fortunately Fame Academy has managed to find a little X-factor. Ainslie, who spends such a reasonable amount of his time wandering around the grounds smoking and talking to the trees, sitting on a bench with his guitar singing to the sunset, or singing silly rhymes to himself and anyone who happens to be passing, has more of this ineptly named “XFactor” than any other not-previously-famous person on TV. This is one of the few paradoxes of “Reality TV”. It makes people famous for wanting to be famous. I don’t know as if that should be allowed, after all, most of us want to be famous to some extent.

The Academy avoided a lot of the messier side of reality by choosing eleven of the twelve students before even allowing us a look inside the house. This made the students chosen that little bit more mysterious and interesting, because, as we didn’t see them trawling through rounds of selection, we actually feel that they’re better than us already.

They left it until later for us to notice that they’re only human, through watching their developing relationships with each other, and seeing who went a bit mad first. Hopefully this will avoid us feeling so empathetic towards them that, whilst we follow their progress through the show avidly, we stop caring about them the second they are let loose on the real world, as with Kate Big Brother and Hear’ Say. Fame, if it’s to be worth anything at all, needs a little bit of secrecy and mystery.

Fame Academy is just real enough, just fake enough, detached enough from the outside world to prove a point, integrated into it enough so as not to be cruel. It is a clever and complex format that must have earned several BBC executives a reasonable wage and best of all it enables us to watch some delightful people being talented, attractive and lovely.

Television jackpot, I think.

Lovely, Ainslie. He can sing too

“

Campbell trains at UWIC

”

Tristan Thomas, gair rhydd, November 2002

Sport

”

SPORT FEATURES. Below

COMMENT. Page 25

Scott Quinnell‘s international swansong

Wales see off Azerbaijan in style

p. 28

p. 25

IMG. Page 26

Issue 731. 25th November 2002 Sport Editors: Tristan Thomas, Riath Al-Samarai, David Williams Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net

BUSA. Page 27 Page 24

Solberg wins the battle, but Gronholm wins the war Network Q Rally

Matt Greenhill reports

CARDIFF PLAYED host to the annual Network Q Rally of Great Britain last weekend which saw the treacherous forest roads and mud tracks of the Welsh countryside test drivers’ skills and reflexes to the limit, for the final round of the world championship.

A distinct lack of rain created a somewhat unfamiliar environment and atmosphere for fans and teams alike, but also guaranteed one of the closest finishes in the event’s history, as Norwegian Petter Solberg overcame a final day deficit to claim his maiden victory by just over twenty seconds ahead of Markko Martin of Estonia.

Whilst Solberg could be happy with his four days of hard work behind the wheel, the same cannot be said for British pair Colin McRae, and last years world champion, Richard Burns, who between them had won six out of the

last eight Network Q rallies.

This was McRae’s last rally for the Ford Focus team, which had made him the highest paid driver in rally history, with a salary of over £3million a year, yet his performance would have led many to believe he was driving for free with a finish outside of the top six and an unhappy end to an unrewarding term at Ford.

"This isn’t the result we wanted," admitted McRae. "It’s a big disappointment not to have done better for Ford in my last rally with them, but now I have to forget that and get on with the future."

Burns’ quest for glory slid to a whimpering halt on the final day with a relatively tame accident as his car waltzed off the road and descended down a mud bank with a rather embarrassing degree of finesse in the Welsh countryside.

Not only did the accident rule Burns out of the rest of

Joyriding is not clever the rally but also consigned him to fifth place in the overall standings- a huge disappointment after the euphoria of his championship clinching win just 12 months before.

There was some good news for one Briton, and for Wales in particular, as Phil Mills of Newtown was Solberg’s winning co-driver and was greatly responsible for the Norwegian’s impressive four days.

"It is absolutely fantastic, not just to win but to win here in Wales. I am utterly delighted," he said.

The organisers of the event in Wales would have been glad that apart from the cancellation of one stage on the Friday, the rally passed without any major disruption or incidents, unlike the crash that cast a shadow over last season’s race in which several spectators were injured. However, newly crowned champion Marcus Gronholm did his best to bring panic and disorder to a well organised meeting, with a terrifying high-speed crash which saw his Peugeot fall off the road into a sickening barrel-roll and would have led to Alan Partridge-esque cries of "Crash! Bang! WallopWhat a rally!"

Bath bubble bursts FA CUP

Nick Byrne MATCH REPORT

WALES RECORDED a welcome and needed victory over Romania last Friday evening in preparation for the forthcoming autumn tests and Six Nations Championship with a 40-3 win. Yet the score line flattered the display.

A poor first half, characterised by poor kicking and a distinct lack of creativity, left fans groaning in their seats in the unfamiliar home ground of the RaceCourse in Wrexham.

Aside from a Rob Sidoli touch-line sprint, Wales failed to make any impression on the Romanians’ in a sloppy first half, and by the end of the period it was the visitors who began to control possession, much to the dismay of the Welsh fans.

For the Welsh, the beacon of hope came from old flame Neil Jenkins making his first full start in 18 months, and indeed it was his trusty boot which kicked them into the

ascendancy at the interval.

Poor line-outs and an irritating tendency of slow ball emerging from the tackle consistently delayed and hampered any chance of efficient possession play by the Welsh.

To their credit and to the relief of supporters, the Welsh emerged in the second-half in a more sprightly and energetic manner.

A break full of pace and dogged determination saw Parker dragged just short of the Romanian line. He then swiftly found Scott Quinnell at his side, who duly converted the opportunity into points from a few yards out.

The try inspired a new confidence in the Welsh to play patches of good rugby.

This improvement was demonstrated midway through the second-half, with a fine Gareth Thomas run from in his own half and pass to set up Mark Jones for the score.

Two late tries, one by Gareth Thomas and a penalty try put the gloss on a result that masks too many of Wales’ deficiencies, highlighted by poor turnover of possession and inconsistent ball retention.

Admittedly, coach, Steve Hansen, fielded an experimental side, but with the essential core in place this performance is somewhat worrying. What is apparent however is that the improvements will need to be fast in coming in preparation for next year’s Six Nations Championship and World Cup.

A distant dream for Team Bath

Elias clears first hurdle on his way to the top David Williams Interview

W

ithout doubt, Welsh hurdler Matt Elias has been one of the most improved athletes this year.

After winning silver in his own event at the Commonwealth Games, he anchored the Welsh relay team to within a hundredth of a second of gold.

Elias, who is based with Darren Campbell at UWIC, is one of the more charismatic performers on the athletics circuit, with his numerous hairstyles making him instantly noticeable. At the beginning of the year his goals were pretty clear; "At the beginning of the year, to stay injury free was the main thing, and then try and get a medal at the Commonwealths, then make it into the team for the Europeans. To come away with two silvers and a gold was pretty unbelievable."

After finishing second behind Chris Rawlinson in the 400m hurdles, Elias surprised even himself in the 4¥400m relay. He ran a spilt of just over 44 seconds to take what he thought was gold, but eventually turned out to be silver; "I knew I had some good performances in me but I didn’t quite think I was capable of doing what I did especially in the relays. To run splits I ran was a bit of shock."

His incredible last leg run for Wales not only guaranteed him a place in the British

squad for the Europeans in Munich but prompted many calls for a switch to the 400m flat; "A lot of people have said they think I should switch but once I sort out my technique out over the hurdles then hopefully I can be up there mixing it with the best in the world over the barriers."

Following his Commonwealth success the inevitable hangover occurred almost straight away in Munich only a week after his high in Manchester. A tired Elias couldn’t make it past the first round and was brought down to earth quickly; "I was a lot more tired than I thought I was. I was lucky enough to redeem myself in the relay. Now I can look back on it in that it shows how much athletics can change from one week to another. As an athlete it made me a lot stronger mentally."

However, a solid run in the relay meant that Elias left with his first gold in only his second major Championship.

He now looks on to the World Championships in Paris as his biggest test yet; "If I can make the final, that would be a really good achievement. I think I’d have to break the British record to get anywhere near the medals."

With a solid coaching staff behind him including Linford Christie and the depth of British 400m runners, Elias knows that he only has to look at the people around him to remind him that anything in athletics is possible; "You look up at role models. When I was 17 or 18 coming through in athletics, Iwan (Thomas) and Jamie (Baulch) were running in Olympics so I had them to look up to."

From now on then it won’t be just his hair colour that will make Matt Elias instantly noticeable. It looks as if like Thomas and Baulch, Wales have another world-class athlete to fly the flag.

Trains at UWIC with Darren Campbell.

Bursaries announced UNIVERSITY

Report by Trish Ball

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Sports Bursary Scheme kicked off its programme with an evening of culinary exploration last Thursday.

The twenty-six athletes joined Head Chefs Paul Robson and Simon Argiriou, in a Ready, Steady Cook Style event.

The chefs introduced the athletes to quick nutritious meals they could cook whilst they were living on a student budget. There was a time limit of thirty minutes to complete the culinary delights including several popular dishes, such as Welsh rabbit and tasty stir-fry’s.

Deputy Catering Manager Julia Harries helped to

organise the evening alongside Sports Development Coordinator Trish Ball, the aim of which was not only to introduce easy meals but also give the bursar a chance to meet the other athletes and the staff associated with the scheme.

The Sports Bursary Programme support’s athletes who are currently competing at the highest level, and who wish to pursue their academic careers.

In the past the scheme has supported sporting talents such as Commonwealth Runner Natalie Lewis and Hampshire Bowler James Tomlinson.

The athletes are entitled to a

comprehensive support programme throughout the year, including Sports Science, Guest Talks and Workshops, Financial Assistance, and Physiotherapy.

Sport Bursary Winners Mathew Stevens John Knight Elliot Shaw Natalie Lewis Chris Butler Oliver Cooper Shiraz Hyder Robert Riddet Mark Taylor Daniel Beynon Daniel Rowse James Thomlinson Simon Morris Geraint Rowlands

Comment & Analysis

November 25 2002

Page 25

grsport@hotmail.com

Quinnell ends where it all began Rugby UNION

W

commented: “There is no-one in the Welsh side who can do what my country” he said.

“I don't think people realise he has done for Wales and he will be badly missed”. how much time you spend After two tours with the away from home”.

Lions and two battering Quinnell's powerful ballseasons in Rugby League for carrying notched up 11 test Wigan, on top of a decade of tries, more than any forward service to the Scarlets, one in Welsh history and his would expect the number 8 to willingness to attack the be planning a long rest. Yet opposition and consistently fans of Llanelli will still be break the gain-line was often able to see Quinnell blasting a catalyst in Wales' best his way through tackles for performances.

His shock absence leaves a another two seasons: “I feel fitter and stronger void in the national team's than I've done for years and back row just a year before I've got over my injuries”, the World Cup. Wales and Quinnell warned.

Lions legend Mervyn Davies

Daniel Evans - ANALYSIS

ALES NUMBER 8 Scott Quinnell has retired from international rugby after 9 years wearing the red of his country.

Ironically the 30 year-old Llanelli star's Welsh career ended where it started - in a friendly against Canada. At the end of the 32-21 win the team left family Quinnell alone on the pitch to soak up the rapturous ovation, no less than was deserved for the most famous Welsh forward of the modern era.

His decision to retire on his 52nd cap was not a result of his recent injuries, or even the loss of the Welsh captaincy to Colin Charvis as had been rumoured. In fact Quinnell's problems were domestic. The huge commitments required in the professional era had taken a huge strain on Quinnell's family life: “As a father with three young children, I have made some big sacrifices to play for

Wales’ youngsters will need to show experience

gr top 5

Worst football injuries ever Disagree with David’s choices?

Email grsport@hotmail.com David Busst – Man Utd v Coventry, 1997.

Sadly finished his career but gave spectators the sight of Peter Schmeichal bringing his breakfast up. Brought a new meaning to the phrase ‘getting the breakthrough.’

1

Ice-hockey player – seen once on Trans World Sport. Whilst watching the show one week, saw an American netminder get his jugular slashed, blood everywhere, put me right off my Frosties.

2

Patrick Battiston – France v West Germany, 1982. Up until the World Cup Toni Schumacher had never thought of going into the decapitation business. In the semi-final he nearly managed it.

Only breaking two teeth and concussing Battiston.

3

Mike Gatting – England v West Indies. If Walsh and Ambrose weren’t enough, Gatting had to face Malcolm Marshall bowling at his head. Luckily, he only got one on the nose and had two black eyes.

4

Pele – Allies v West 5 Germany, 1981. Got the usual treatment from the Germans in one of the best comebacks ever. His broken ribs, however, couldn’t stop him from scoring the best bicycle-kick ever.

“I am determined to do everything I can to give them a big couple of seasons”.

Domestic rugby beware, the player labelled by commentator Bill Mclaren as the 'runaway freight train' has not finished yet.

Captain Charvis will miss Quinnell’s presence more than anyone else

gr sports quiz Email entries to grsport@hotmail.com

Not just a top international

English trio march on as Champions League hots up

T

he last round of matches in the first group stage of the Champions League brought mixed fortunes for the English clubs involved. Manchester United and Arsenal were already guaranteed a place in the next round, but Newcastle United and Liverpool could still have made an early exit.

Manchester United saw off Bayer Leverkusen with 2-0 home victory, with both sides progressing to the next round.

Arsenal’s final game saw them scrape through a dull goaless tie at home to PSV Eindhoven, with their passage to the next round already secured alongside Borrussia Dortmund who qualified in second place.

Newcastle qualified in second place behind Juventus, after a remarkable comeback losing the first three games of their campaign, capped off by a fine victory away to Feyenord.

But things didn’t turn out as well for Liverpool as they were

down by three goals against FC Basle by half time. Despite a valiant second half comeback and three goals to pull themselves level, it wasn’t enough, and the Swiss side went through to the next phase alongside Valencia.

Newcastle, arguably, have the toughest opponents in the next round out of all three remaining Premiership clubs, facing Barcelona, Inter Milan and Bayer Leverkusen. Arsenal are set to face Valencia, Roma and Ajax, Manchester United will play Juventus, Deportivo La Coruña and FC Basle, and the remaining group consists of defending champions Real Madrid, AC Milan, Borussia Dortmund and Lokomotiv Moscow.

Liverpool have the consolation of a UEFA Cup tie against Dutch side Vitesse to look forward to, but is it fair that the 3rd place losers of the Champions League first round get a second chance in another competition?

It certainly devalues the position of UEFA Cup as a top competition in Europe if teams can lose in the Champions League and enjoy success in a "lucky losers" competition.

The Champions League has also attracted controversy with top four clubs in the leading footballing nations being allowed to qualify, devaluing the title of "Champions." The extra revenue clubs receive from playing in Europe has also meant that the Worthington Cup seems to have become a competition for the reserves of big clubs, and even the prestigious FA Cup looks as though it could be going the same way.

The Champions League seems to have transformed itself from being a competition between the champions of the various European domestic leagues into what could be seen as a prototype for the dreaded European super league. But it does make compelling viewing.

1. Which football team plays at the Racecourse Ground?

2. Who is the leading run scorer in Test cricket this year?

3. Who has scored the most tries for the All Blacks?

4. Leanda Cave is a British world champion in which sport?

5. In which country is the cricket ground Sabina Park?

6. Which country is skier Herman Maier from?

7. Who was the first boxer to knock down Mohammed Ali? 8. How old was Boris Becker when he first won Wimbledon?

9. Rock of Gibraltar is a racehorse owned by which football manager?

10. In which athletics event does Philips Idowu compete for Great Britain?

11. What is the women’s equivalent of the Ryder Cup? 12. Still with golf, who won this year's European Order of Merit?

13. Which county will Jonty Rhodes play cricket for next year?

14. Which snooker player won the recent British Open?

15. Where were the 1998 Winter Olympics held?

16. As well as playing for England, Martin Johnson played rugby at junior level in which other country?

17. Against which county did Brian Lara make his world record of 501 not out?

18. Como and Chievo are football teams in which country?

19. Name one player who has played in a North London, Manchester and Liverpool derby?

20. And finally, list all of Rocky Balboa’s major opponents in the Rocky films?

Last Week’s Answers: The winner, was Economics Footy team. You wi n the wrath of every gair rhydd journalist in the office. Don’t come up to our editors in Creation. Ever.

1. 4 2. Jan Zelezny 3. Yachting 4. Curling 5. Australia 6.

Turkey 7. Australia 8. Augusta

9. Bournemouth 10. Pool 11.

Kevin Moran 12. Show jumping 13. Joel Stransky 14.

1 point 15. Isle of Man 16.

Roland Garros 17. Newton Heath 18. Dwain Chambers 19. 1992 20. Carl Fletcher, Gary Naysmith and Jamie Parker

Do Do I not not like like that... that...

Something on your chest? Riled by our report? Write to our sport letters page email grsport@hotmail.com highlander. To combat the problem just turn Wee Scotsman the sound down and play some sombre

Letter of the Week

Win this copy of the Gair Rhydd. Go on, it’s yours!

While we still have this Summer’s World Cup in mind, those crazy Koreans and buck-toothed Brazilians, the Germans are already preparing for the next one in 2006. Stadiums have to be built and sausages have to be prepared. In comparison to that, designing a logo would seem to be an easy thing to do.

Remember the Italia ’90 football man and the French cock, well Germany has decided to go with the numbers 2006 with smiley faces in side them. Sad news then for all the stuffed toy companies who won’t be profitable like the USA ’94 dog was. A logo is supposed to be simple, friendly and a reminder of an event. Don’t ever say again that the Germans have no sense of humour.

Yours graciously, Boris (Big B) Peter

Hasselhoff.

GR Sport says: We would never say that about the Germans! Look, for instance, how they buy millions of David Hasselhoff records and have players such as Carsten Jancker and Oliver Kahn in their team. If that isn’t a sense of humour I don’t know what is.

Dear GR sport,

music over the top, like they do at Villa Park.

After watching ‘The Premiership’ over the last couple of weeks, my housemates and me have been gradually driven up the wall by one Mr. Ally McCoist, a pundit of the Paul Gascoigne level. I don’t think I have heard such an annoying and unintelligent analyst in football, apart from Mark Lawrenson perhaps. His constant misuse of the English language and his whiny tone make viewing more than uneasy, coupled with the fact that I can barely understand him, makes me more annoyed each week.

This though seems to be a trend amongst Scottish pundits who clearly show that they achieved no qualifications after school e.g. Charlie Nicholas. ITV, do something!

The fight begins

Yours truly, V V Annoyed GR Sport. GR Sport says; some of the pundits today are poor but surely none are worse than Ron Atkinson. However, us intellectuals at GR Sport have also noticed the flaws in the kilt-wearing, caber-tossing

Dear GR sport, With Wales climbing up the FIFA rankings surely there should be a case to bring back the Home Nations football championship.

And with England scraping past Slovakia and Macedonia there wouldn’t be a better chance for Wales to beat the old enemy and deflate the ego of the English football fans.

There would also be a case for the Republic of Ireland to make it a five-team tournament and improve the standard of British football even further.

Regards, M Hughes GR Sport says; It would be good but it will never happen, too many hooligans around and players are too weak these days to play more than one game a week but still expect to get paid millions. It would be interesting to see how Wales would play against England.

Inter Mural Games

Page 26

November 25 2002

grsport@hotmail.com

Jomec still the team to beat in group of death Billy Lee for GR Sport FOR THOSE who thought double champions’ Jomec’s days at the top were over, guess again.

After an indifferent first couple of games, the journalists bounced back to the kind of form we know they’re capable of, mauling Chemsoc to put them top of Group B, the so-called ‘Group of Death’. Things aren’t looking so good for Gym Gym and RPR however.

Both were Division 1 teams last year, yet Gym Gym’s point against Carbs B was their first of the season and RPR, although they took the lead through a wonder strike from midfielder Scott Morgan, crashed to their second 3-1 defeat in succession

against a rejuvenated Torpedo Engin.

Group C is looking more and more interesting as the weeks hot up. Unseeded Economics are suddenly the team to beat after maintaining their 100% record with a comfortable win over Irish.

However, with Momed hardly breaking a sweat to despatch Wyvern Wanderers, Accountancy stylishly seeing off a plucky Cathays FC and History performing solidly, it is anyone’s guess as to the final outcome.

The seeded teams in Group A look like running away with it. Carbs A scored seven for the third game in a row against Auxiliary Engin, while FC Real beat new boys Uni Hallstars, who are beginning

to gel as a team and made life hard for last year’s runners up.

The real excitement could be saved for Group D though.

After three games the only team with 9 points are the unfancied Ecosoc. They sit three points clear of the field after becoming the latest team to hammer CU FC. Then, as all the others seem to be taking points off each other, only two points separate second placed Planderlecht and sixth placed Planathinaikos.

Planathinaikos crashed to defeat against Law A, who had managed to only draw their first two games. Planderlecht beat Pharmacy in a 4-2 thriller, while Woka Juniors beat Psycho Athletico by a surprisingly comfortable margin.

Carbs A look imperious to become IMG favourites Billy Lee for GR Sport JUST OVER halfway through the first round of matches and the pattern of the

IMG Pos

leagues is beginning to take shape.

In Group A, it looks more and more likely that Carbs A and FC Real will be the two to

Group A P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Carbs A

4

4

0

0

28

3

25

12

2 FC Real

3

3

0

0

22

3

19

9

3 Law B

4

2

0

2

14

12

2

6

4 Aux. Engin

4

2

0

2

12

14

-2

6

5 Sawsa FC

4

2

0

2

9

26

-17

6

6 Myg Myg

3

1

0

2

10

14

-4

3

7 Uni Hallstars

4

1

0

3

8

18

-10

3

8 Earth Soc

4

0

0

4

8

21

-13

0

I MG Pos

Group B P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Carbs B

4

3

1

0

20

6

14

10

2 Jomec

4

3

1

0

21

9

12

10

3 Torpedo Engin

4

3

0

1

15

5

10

9

4 Chemsoc

4

3

0

1

12

8

4

9

5 A. Stanley

4

1

1

2

5

10

-5

4

6 RPR

4

1

0

3

8

12

-4

3

7 Gym Gym

4

0

1

3

8

17

-9

1

8 Bute Park Utd

4

0

0

4

2

24

-22

0

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Economics

4

4

0

0

20

2

18

12

2 Accountancy

4

3

0

1

24

10

14

9

3 Momed

4

2

1

1

20

10

10

7

4 History

4

2

1

1

12

14

-2

7

5 M. Madrid

4

1

1

2

11

10

1

4

6 Irish

4

1

1

2

7

14

-7

4

7 Cathays FC

4

1

0

3

5

16

-11

3

8 W. Wanderers

4

0

0

4

6

29

-23

0

I MG Pos

Group C

I MG Pos

Group D P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Planderlecht

4

3

0

1

20

5

15

9

2 Ecosoc

4

3

0

1

12

3

9

9

3 Law A

4

2

2

0

10

8

2

8

4 Planathinaikos

4

2

1

1

10

9

1

7

5 Pharmacy

4

1

1

2

11

8

3

4

6 Woka Juniors

4

1

1

2

11

9

2

4

7 Psycho Athletico

4

1

1

2

10

9

1

4

8 CU FC

4

0

0

4

0

33

-33

0

Football WEEK 1

Football WEEK 2

qualify for the Premiership. Carbs brushed aside Sawsa, scoring seven for the fourth game in a row. FC Real’s game against Myg Myg was re-arranged but life was made easier for them by Law B’s surprise defeat to Uni Hallstars. Auxiliary Engin kept their hopes of first division football alive with a good win over Earth Soc, who need to start winning soon to avoid being confined to Division 3.

Group B brought a feast of goals, the biggest winners being Carbs B who destroyed Bute Park Utd to put themselves top of the table.

Jomec are just behind them on goal difference after victory over RPR, although the game was much closer than the score-line suggests. The race for the top of the table is really hotting up with Torpedo and Chemsoc both recording victories. Chemsoc saw off Accountington Stanley in a very poor game while Engin beat a Gym Gym team who seemed more pre-occupied with the Welsh game against Azerbaijan.

Momed suffered a knock to their chances of reaching the Premiership, only drawing with Mathletico in Group C. Their slip up allowed Accountancy to join Economics in pole position in the group after a thrilling win over History. Economics, themselves, comfortably saw off Cathays FC to maintain top spot. In the battle of the basement teams, Irish edged past Wyvern Wanderers.

Group D is still anyone’s guess as to the final outcome.

Ecosoc’s first defeat of the season allowed Planderlecht to take top spot on goal difference following their win over Psycho. Law A sit one point behind.

Planathinaikos bounced back from an indifferent start to edge out Woka Juniors. Planderlecht saw off Psycho Athletic in the final Group D clash.

Netball WEEK 1

Pharmacy see off big guns to qualify

Billy Lee for GR Sport FIRST PHASE over in the netball and we know which divisions the teams will be lining up in after Christmas.

Group A, on paper, looked all but over before the start of play but unexpected results lead to it becoming the most interesting group of the day.

In the face off of the big guns, Pharmacy surprised Carbs A to win by two goals.

The result was academic but will surely give Pharmacy the edge when the two meet next year. However, it was in the battle for Division 1 that the excitement came. Carbs B looked home and dry before tip off but got narrowly beaten

by Sawsa. Suddenly, Law B had to win comfortably over Cplan to get in the First Division.

Fortunately, they were playing the weakest team in the division and accomplished this, although not in convincing style. The results left Sawsa, Law B and Carbs B all tied on six points but Sawsa were the odd one out as they missed out on goal difference. Surely, they will be favourites to take the Division 2 title.

Group B saw Economics complete a perfect winter season with their fifth win in five, this time over LPC. If they be able to take their form into the Premiership next year they will be strong challengers for this years competition. The result confirmed the law postgrads will be in Division 2 next year. They will be joined by Socsi, who were overwhelmed by Comsoc. In the other game, Phist clung onto their place in Division 1, putting up a brave display to keep the score down against a rampant Cardiff Uni A. The Uni team will be eager to get stuck into the premiership and gain revenge for their defeat to Economics earlier in the season.

Group C turned into a bit of an anti-climax. Psychology completed their 100% season with a comfortable win over Chemy/Biosci. Law A will join

I MG Pos

Group A P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Pharmacy

5

5

0

0

82

25

57

15

2 Carbs A

5

4

0

1

86

19

67

12

3 Carbs B

5

2

0

3

47

52

-5

6

4 Law B

5

2

0

3

48

56

--8

6

5 Sawsa

5

2

0

3

36

59

-23

6

6 Cplan

5

0

0

5

10

90

-80

0

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

1 Economics

5

5

0

0

67

22

45

Pts 15

2 Cardiff Uni A

5

4

0

0

115

29

86

12

3 Comsoc

5

2

0

3

62

43

19

6

4 Phist

5

2

0

3

47

55

-8

6

5 LPC

5

1

0

4

26

83

-57

3

6 Socsi

5

1

0

4

24

104

-80

3

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Psychology

5

5

0

0

89

21

68

15

2 Law A

5

4

0

1

57

30

27

12

3 Cardiff Uni B

5

2

1

2

49

41

8

7

4 Chemy/Biosci

5

2

0

3

32

46

-14

6

5 Medics

5

1

0

4

25

70

-45

3

6 Gym Gym

5

0

1

4

16

57

-41

1

I MG Pos

Group B

I MG Pos

Group C

Pharmacy, with their 100 percent record. them after a win over Gym Premiership Gym, a game that was a credit to both teams sportsmanship Carbs A and spirit. However, it was the Cardiff Uni A game between Cardiff Uni B Economics and the Medics that was Law A supposed to provide the Pharmacy Psychology entertainment. Both needed to win to join Chemy in Division 1. Division 1 But, it wasn’t the close game we hoped for. The Medics were Carbs B thumped and will be in Division Cardiff Uni B Chemy/Biosci 2 after the Christmas break.

The line-ups are complete Comsoc for the leagues. Bring on the Law B Phist New Year!

Division 2 Cplan Gym Gym LPC Medics Sawsa Socsi Contact Billy Lee at the AU for further information about everything concerning IMG

Like Photography? Come to gair rhydd and we’ll cover your costs, provide equipment and enter you for prestigious awards.

And you can showcase your talent in front of 20 000 readers

Got talent? Get involved

Come to our editorials, Monday 1.15 pm, in the gair rhydd Office

University Sport

November 25 2002

Page 27

grsport@hotmail.com

Cardiff 2nds mount title challenge Simon Green and John Tuscany reporting WITH TOUGH league fixtures still ahead and all to play for, Andy Lee’s legion of men are in buoyant mood as they enter into the festive season.

But rest assured when this team is firing on all cylinders, there are unlikely to be any gifts under the tree for the opposition.

Week 1

Si Green is set for a return to 1st Team action in the coming weeks after suffering a potentially career threatening injury, sustained whilst playing in a cup fixture for his home town. The 21 year old prolific striker, snapped his clavicle in a multitude of places and specialists were fearful of his footballing future. His return

BUSA

ROUND-UP

Results

2nd Week. Wed November 13

Men’s Badminton 1sts

8-0

Aberystwyth

Men’s Badminton 2nds

9-0

Gloucester 2

Men’s Basketball 1sts

59-94

Men’s Fencing 1sts

Brunel Bristol

113-125

Glamorgan

Men’s Football 2nds

0-1

Men’s Football 3rds

6-0

Medics

Women’s Football 1sts

10-0

Medics

Golf 1sts

2-4

Bath

Men’s Hockey 1sts

1-1

Gloucester

Men’s Hockey 2nds

0-2

Southampton

Men’s Hockey 4ths

9-0

Aberystwyth

Women’s Hockey 1sts

5-0

Marjons

Women’s Hockey 2nds

0-2

Bristol

Women’s Hockey 3rds

0-3

Bath

Lacrosse 1sts

7-12

Bath

Netball 1sts

39-42

Brighton

Netball 2nds

56-48

Marjons

Netball 3rds

33-14

Swansea

Men’s Rugby 1sts

22-14

Southampton

Men’s Rugby 2nds

17-12

Bristol

Men’s Rugby 3rds

15-14

Men’s Squash 1sts

6-0

Men’s Squash 2nds

4-1

Medics

Men’s Tennis 1sts

6-0

Southampton

Women’s Tennis 1sts

6-0

Gloucester

Women’s Volleyball 1sts

3-0

Exeter

Medics Swansea

Week 2 BUSA

ROUND-UP

Results

2nd Week. Wed 20 November

Men’s Badminton 1sts

3-5

UWIC

Men’s Badminton 2nds

4-5

Southampton

Men’s Basketball 1sts

62-78

Marjons

3-1

Gloucester

Men’s Football 3rds

3-1

Cardiff IV

Men’s Hockey 1sts

4-2

UWE

Men’s Hockey 2nds

1-1

Bath

Women’s Hockey 2nds

1-5

UWIC

Men’s Football 2nds

Lacrosse 1sts

29-5

Portsmouth

Netball 1sts

42-30

Oxford

Netball 2nds

48-45

Bath

Netball 3rds

46-32

Medics

Men’s Rugby 2nds

33-5

Swansea

Men’s Rugby 3rds

W/O

RAC

17-20

Medics

Women’s Rugby 1sts Men’s Squash 1sts

5-0

Gloucester

Women’s Squash 1sts

W/O

Bath

Men’s Tennis 1sts

2-4

Bristol

Women’s Tennis 1sts

1-5

Exeter

Women’s Volleyball 1sts

3-0

Southampton

will bolster UWC’s assault on the league title.

UWC 2nd’s were in no mood to relinquish their grip on the league when they travelled to, and destroyed, the Cheltenham 3rd’s. Brian McGovern netted twice in the second half to add to Phil Mitchell’s first half strike after

John Forbes: Cardiff linesman

a flowing move.

Despite boost to team selection was Chris Trout was McGovern’s late strike to seal that Mahoney and the victory, the striker still unavailable. managed to lose his bearings Gunt Bunion in midfield were when celebrating when he the engine room of a team ran down to the only corner with formidable force and in of the pitch that was the end quality came through inhabited by nothing more and Cardiff ran out 3-1 victors. than the corner flag.

Cardiff were always on top in this pulsating clash, though Rich Warwick between the sticks resembled that of Bruce Grobelaar. He couldn’t catch anything except the bribe he’d been thrown before the match.

Not even a late penalty save would have left the crowd in much doubt that he was on the take.

The performance was even more impressive when considering the absence of key players such as Mike Rabjohns Cris Tout shuns media and Rhys Jones, however a late attention

GR FOCUS: CANOEING Nicola Riddles reporting LAST WEEKEND saw the staging of the annual Dee tour, in Llangollen North Wales.

Roughly 3000 canoeists from around the country descended on the small Welsh town, to canoe on the river Dee which normally has restricted access.

It was the first time, since anyone can remember, that Cardiff University has attended the event and we were determined to make ourselves known.

The rain from the previous week meant that the water level in the river was quite high, making for some good canoeing.

However, it was the level of mud in the campsite which was most concerning, and several clubs had to have their buses towed out of the mud.

On Saturday we canoed a grade 2 section of the river which was suitable for all abilities.

Some took an unintentional swim out of their boats here, but were quickly rescued by the safety

boaters. After a long day’s paddling we returned to the campsite to join in the massive party that had been organised.

On Sunday we decided to do the lower section of the Dee which is classed as grade 4. It encompasses the infamous Serpents Tail rapid, the slalom site, and ends in the middle of Llangollen at Town falls, where a large crowd was assembled to see people run the rapid. The excellent safety cover provided by the event

organisers, meant that more people were able to run the river and really push their ability.

Everyone performed well and enjoyed doing something a little harder.

The Dee tour will be sure to become a permanent fixture in the Canoe Club diary from now on. The next trip for the club is down to West Wales for the Welsh University Slalom Championship on the weekend of the 29th of November, no doubt this will be another one to remember.

GOLD, THREE Silvers and a Bronze allowed Cardiff Jiu Jitsu Club to leave their mark on the Aiuchi Nationals 2002, last weekend in Newbury.

With only a few months experience in Jiu Jitsu, Sam Deacon defeated his opponents with apparent ease in the Sumowaza and was awarded gold.

Fiona Anderson and Fiona Crawford showed superb teamwork as they walked away from the Nidan Kimewaza with

Trish Ball reporting THE FUTURE has never looked so good for Cardiff University Rugby. With solid wins over the Medics and Southampton University, the team is looking forward to this season’s Varsity Match in February.

The development of Rugby at Cardiff is set to improve with the appointment of a new Rugby Development Co-ordinator, Adrian Evans.

Adrian brings a wealth of experience and knowledge.

Currently working with 1st Division side Glamorgan Wanderers, he is leaving a post as a civilian Physical Training Instructor with the Army. Adrian is responsible for the growth and development of Rugby at Cardiff University and he will help drive a winning strategy to ensure Cardiff University are a force to be reckoned with in the future.

Cardiff University Sport and Recreation Services have hosted many of the Worlds Top Rugby Teams through the Autumn Internationals. This week Paul Lidster, Head Groundsman at Llanrumney Playing fields has been working very hard to cater for the New Zealand All Blacks Rugby squad, who are preparing all week at Llanrumney for their forthcoming game with Wales.

Medics derby glory for ladies Jessica Robinson reporting

The Dee tour is set to be a permanent fixture for Canoeing

Success in Newbury as Cardiff bypass opponents Nicola Riddles reporting

Cardiff set for massive rugby drive

silver after demonstrating a variety of techniques against multiple attacks.

A year away from Jiu Jitsu did not effect Saul Thorne’s confidence on his return to fighting. He competed against higher grades in the 6th –5th Kyu, Katamewaza and was awarded with a Silver medal for his efforts.

With the full support of the crowd, James Davies completed five fights of an extremely exciting heavy weight 4th Kyu and above, Katamewaza to give Cardiff it’s third Silver.

Fighting for the girls, Masami Yamaguchi won a Bronze after competing in many, long and exhausting fights in the female Katamewaza.

Cardiff also suffered form its fair share of injuries as well as successes. Richard Butler was forced to leave the mat during his second fight of the lightweight, 4th and above Kyu, Katamewaza, after winning his first fight, due to injury.

The challenges met by the club at the nationals will help prepare them for their approaching grading taking place at the end of the year.

AFTER A frustrating past few weeks due to cancelled matches and poor weather, Cardiff Ladies Rugby Team came up against the Medics in a close fought derby where the medical students were lucky to claim the victory.

A quick and bright start for the Medics opened up a convincing lead of 15-0, but the Cardiff team was not that easily beaten.

Quick handling of the ball along the back line to Kate Pittis on the wing lead to a try for Cardiff. This was followed by some more fluent , fast passing and a fantastic run by Philippa Tuttiett for Cardiff's second try, converted by Mari Ropstad. After a quick half time pep-talk Cardiff's fighting spirit shone through culminating in another powerful surge through the medic’s defence and a try from Mari Ropstad.

Cardiff showed great determination, and although the ground was slippery, the pack maintained solid in defence. The Medics scored a controversial last minute try to run out 20-17 winners.

“An American netminder had his jugular slashed, blood everywhere, it put me right off my frosties.” Page 25

gair rhydd

IMG and BUSA

Matt Elias

ALL the Results plus IMG tables for Football AND Netball

Talks to gair rhydd Sport Page 24

Sport email grsport@hotmail.com

25 November 2002 - Issue 731

PHOTO: DARREN MILLER

Gronholm, before crashing out in the GB rally in Wales

REPORT

Sport Features. p. 24

Welsh look world class International

Nick Byrne, MATCH REPORT

WALES PRODUCED a historic win in Baku last Wednesday, opening up an impressive five-point gap over their Group Nine rivals by beating Azerbaijan 2-0.

Mark Hughes’s team became the first ever Welsh side to have won its opening three games in a qualifying campaign, especially significant following a fortnight of trials and tribulations and minus several key individuals.

However, they took the three points courtesy of headers from Captain Gary Speed and John Hartson, who had also been doubtful for the match.

Whether it was the enforced changes or the effects of a long-haul flight, Wales were slow to start and Azerbaijan's hard work looked to have paid off with some clever free kick routines.

Although still looking for their first goal, the home side had the Welsh defence in trouble and brought back painful memories of trips to Moldova, Georgia, Belarus and Armenia during the pitiful Bobby Gould era.

Wales proved they are now made of sterner stuff by withstanding Azerbaijan’s early dominance and going on to control the rest of the match and never looked as if they were going to concede.

Wales mounted their first serious attack in the 8th minute, with Hartson forcing himself into the box with a great run before cutting it back to Ryan Giggs whose shot was denied by an excellent double save from Hasanzadekh in the Azerbaijan goal.

From the resulting Simon Davies corner Speed opened the scoring with a powerful

header and from there on Wales dominated the proceedings.

Hartson battled superbly in his lone role up front and came close to doubling the lead on the half-hour, his fine half volley blasted against the bar and bouncing out.

He was rewarded for his tireless display on the 67th minute mark. Davies, again the creator, bent in a free kick that Hartson headed firmly into the back of the net.

With the home game against Azerbaijan now looking a formality, Mark Hughes and his men can turn their attentions to the crunch game in Belgrade against Yugoslavia.

Wales are at the top of their game, top of their group, and on top of the world. The dip will come, but Hughes will hope it will come after qualification.

For now, fans can carry on dreaming of summer holidays Hartson seems to lift his game when he steps up to international level. in Portugal in 2004.

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BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ OFFICE OLYMPICS AS MARK COBLEY STORMS THROUGH ■ SPORTS EDITOR STARTS NEW CHESS SECTION: “IT’S YOUR MOVE”. EMAIL RIATH , SADWANKER@ARABTERRORIST.COM

et TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP

02 Alert, active and attentive, regardless of whether we forget your events or criticise your favourite club, Get There is all these things. Looks as if it’s time to start looking back to the union, it’s a shorter walk for most of you. Much to look forward over the coming fortnight, but nothing has makes me happier than knowing the outdoor ice-rink is on its way!

Winter Warblings Get There and the conservative turn 3. That woolly hat returns

in

A cry for peace

Badly Drawn Boy, Monday 2nd December, Great Hall

Doves + The Delgados Friday 6th December Students Union, Great Hall, 7.30pm, £14

Damon Gough’s career seems doomed to go round in circles.

Once mocked and despised as thousands wondered why XL paid him that advance, suddenly it all made sense after a Mercury Music Prize and an appearance beside Hugh Grant.

However, with the release of his new album, Have you Fed the Fish? that momentary clarity has been lost amid a dull exercise in AOR mediocrity.

Devoid of anything approaching the quality of songwriting displayed on his debut, his indolent excuse for a new

record deserves only a fleeting listen. Nevertheless, Damon has a reputation for treating his fans with something approaching respect and will be sure to dip into his illustrious back catalogue. Maybe he’ll even turn all indie-schmindie and play the songs released on those EPs that everyone used to fight over. Oh, and there was the music box that played a 15 second clip; perhaps he’ll bring it along to show off to you. Such memories, Damon, thank you!

Tickets £15

4. Winter Wonderland

N

ever been altogether certain about Doves. Are they merely filling a huge void or actually an awesome band with splendid anthemic pop songs that I’ve become too cynical to succumb to.

Whereas once they were thoroughly mediocre live, (this is not true- indignant Ed) recent reports suggest facial hair doused in glitter, elf hats and a trapeze artist. Perhaps. Recent

Opens Monday 30th November (open 10:30am-11pm) singles, Caught By The River and Pounding chug along pleasantly enough for Radio1 and will surely do the same again tonight.

More interesting and altogether more adventurous are the Delgados. In a just world they would surely be headlining (ahem. Only if Doves didn’t exist- Ed, again.)

Produced by Dave Friddman, of Flaming Lips and Mercury Rev sized excess, their new album

Hate continues where the Mercury prize nominated The Great Eastern left off.

In other words, shimmering witty pop songs from Glasgow. Never sure whether they would rather be Belle and Sebastian or Sonic Youth.

Delgados signed Mogwai and Arab Strap; Doves once released Ain’t No Love, Ain’t No Use. Decide for yourselves.

Situated outside the big council offices by Boulevard De Nantes, the re-appearance of an outdoor ice-rink is something which many of us have been craving ever since it left in January leaving only a huge hole and a lot of happy memories.

Treat your stressed mates to a night of injury-inducing frolics on the ice as

Adam Snyder, Monday 25th November, Barfly and The Tav

Chapter Arts Centre and UGC Cinema 25th - 27th November It all ends at UGC with a special John Malkovich evening on Wednesday 27th where you get to see all those films that previously you had only ever read about. It features The Dancer Upstairs (19.00), Malkovich’s new masterpiece about a love affair torn apart by a South American revolution. There’s a terrorist loose, but could be anyone amongst ten million people; you know the drill. Across the corridor, Margarita Happy Hour (21.00) considers how margarita might combine nicely with single motherhood.

Awesome.

Staff list

Tickets £4 per session Tel 02920 2023 0130

5. Ace American surfaces

Tickets £14

2. International Film Festival comes to Cardiff The international Film Festival reaches a climax this week. Highlights include the long awaited version of Welsh medieval folktake collection, the Mabinogion (UGC, Monday 25th, 2pm), Every Stewardess goes to Heaven (UGC, Monday 25th, 21.15), a new South American escapist comedy about finding love 10000 feet above the sea. There’s even a date with Russell Crowe as he stars in Texas (UGC, Monday 25th, 21.30), another tale of rock’n’roll decadence that hopes to succeed where the abominable Rockstar failed.

young children harass you, daring you to let go of the edge in exchange for sweets.

Furthermore, there’s also the promise of magic entertainment and, strange as it may sound, a heated ice bar.

Early booking is recommended as it does get really busy.

Despite Mercury Rev being surely one of the greatest band of the last decade, Adam Snyder is no longer a member. Like the boy bands of old, all the touring, the adoration of Mojo magazine - it was all too much so he decided to do the obviously thing and go solo. Whether he had to buy an acoustic guitar or in fact already owned one remains open to speculation.

Anyway, since being involved with the epic majesty that was Deserters’ Songs, Adam has

taken to the road with a load of new songs. Now he appears in Cardiff and to satisfy autograph hunters he’s making a special appearance in the Tav to tempt you to come along to the show at Barfly.

Seriously, since this man has probably touched Jonathan Donohue and that other guy, ‘Grasshopper’ he exceeds the entry criteria for Cardiff legend status.

Tickets: £5 www.barflyclub.com

In this issue of GRiP...

GRiP editors: Robin Jackson & Nick Mcdonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) Get there: Neil Krajewski Investigate the Booker (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) Prize and recommend a Arts: LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) cult classic read.

Music: Andy Parsons & Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C. Gates (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Blain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Get back to nature, by Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth, Steve Hurst taking a jaunt to the (gairrhyddtvdesk@hotmail.com) Zoo. Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)

05: Books 07: Arts

09: Film 20:Games/ Go to town with 007, Web and debate the Bond of today.

14: Music

Take a gander at Motorhead live and Missy E’s weightloss

Try to bag some bargains on the web.

21: TV

Scrounge through the best and the worst on TV