gair rhydd - Issue 732

Dust to dust

Sport considers England’s downfall in the Ashes Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

Monday 9th December/Free Word 732

Inside GRiP: Festive fun and frolics agogo

gairrhydd

“Tis the season to be jolly”

Demo shame for Cardiff Dominic O’Neill reports AS THOUSANDS of students protested in London against top-up fees, Cardiff University’s turnout was branded “disappointing” after only 26 people made the effort to attend.

The march was the biggest mass student demonstration in Britain since 1998, attracting people from all over the UK. Many claim it has forced Tony Blair into a humiliating u-turn on the issue as he told MPs that changes in the funding for higher education “will not mean parents are having to pay thousands upfront in fees.”

NUS President Mandy Telford called last Wednesday’s march through London “the best national demonstration we have ever had.”

“If top-up fees are introduced only the rich will be able to afford university,” she said.

“They’re already putting people off applying who are the very groups the

“I’d have gone along if I’d known it was happening, but I didn’t see any posters or anything”, he said.

Swansea University Student’s Union had sent out emails to every student in the university to publicise the march, and had started an advertisement campaign six weeks previously.

Swansea Union officials had also visited Halls of Residence in the city to persuade their students to attend.

By contrast, Cardiff Union officers produced a few posters and leaflets in the week before the demo, for University departments and the Union itself, and only the Presidents of societies were contacted by email.

Nick Bradley continued, “this was the biggest number we have ever taken. We didn’t even have enough coaches”.

Cardiff Students’ Union President Caz Noyes said she was “extremely disappointed” not to be able to make the journey to London because of company engagements.

She cited student political apathy as a possible reason why so few students from Cardiff turned up, and why many more who had signed up, dropped out on the day.

“People just don’t want to SWANSEA UNION PRESIDENT get involved anymore”, she Government is trying to attract.

“Our noise forced the Prime Minister to indicate that he doesn’t want students to get further into debt.”

The NUS estimated that more than 20,000 people attended the event, but despite a free coach journey being provided by the Students’ Union, less than thirty people from Cardiff University managed to show their faces in London.

Six coaches brought nearly 300 people from Swansea University, although the university has around 8,000 less students than Cardiff.

Every student from Swansea also had to pay the full coach fare.

Swansea University Students’ Union President Nick Bradley said, “We were overjoyed at Swansea’s performance, but it was rather disappointing that Cardiff could not match us.

“Even Lampeter sent more students”.

Cardiff History student Nick Pileham complained that the Union hadn’t done enough to publicise the event.

“Even Lampeter sent more students than Cardiff”.

NICK BRADLEY,

The few protestors from the Cardiff Union contingent raise the flag against fees said. “But we in the Students’ Union clearly need to get out earlier and tell students a lot more about what is going on”.

Even the students’ union at the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama (RWCMD) managed to send more people to the demonstration than Cardiff University.

The college, which has only 450 students, sent a 30-piece marching band to lead the Welsh contingent in the protest.

RWCMD Union VicePresident Brian Weir, said that “it was a shame that out of 20,000 students at Cardiff University, only 26 managed to make the effort.

“We have less than 500 students and 200 were unable to attend due to concerts being performed on Wednesday evening”.

Emma Bebington, Welfare Officer at Cardiff University’s Students’ Union, described

the march through London from Mallet Street across the River Thames to a rally at Kennington Park.

“It was raining all day, but there was loads of support from students all over the country,” she said.

“The march caused huge tailbacks on the main roads, but the drivers weren’t annoyed. They were beeping and waving: showing their support”.

Recycling all the rage as Union goes green Vicky Moores reports THE STUDENTS’ Union Council (SUC), the body that runs Cardiff Union, has recently devised a number of measures to improve ethical and environmental awareness in the Union.

Recycled products and items that promote fair trade are to be given visual preference in the shop and their mark up is to be capped.

Products will be graded under a system where they score points under ethical, environmental and industryspecific categories.

Any products that score less than 20% in all of the areas are grade F or ungraded, and will

not be sold in the shop.

The product’s grade will be indicated on the price label and leaflets detailing the grading system will be available.

Recycled paper in the shop is to be re-priced so that it is equal to the price of nonrecycled paper. Furthermore, carrier bags, which are currently free, are to be priced at 5p each.

Gareth Blake, the member of SUC who proposed the measures, and also a Union Shop employee, said: “The reason for the pricing of the carrier bags is that sometimes people ask for a bag when they are just buying a mars bar. Having to pay should make students realise

that plastic bags have an impact on the environment”.

In the near future green recycling bags will also be available from the shop. The bags are part of a recycling scheme that currently operates in Cardiff, where all recyclable rubbish is placed into one of the green bags and collected by the Council. gair rhydd received mixed views from Union shop customers.

James Loveday, a second year Law student, commented: “I don’t think any of the measures will affect the way students shop and I doubt many students will be willing to pay 5p for a carrier bag!”

Cas Pudney, a first year

Ancient History and Archaeology student, was more positive: “I am definitely in favour of recycling. I live at University Hall and there are no recycling facilities at all available there”.

The changes to the Students’ Union Shop are part of a much wider initiative to make the entire Students ‘Union more ethically and environmentally conscious.

Measures to be adopted by the Union include placing recycling paper boxes in computer rooms and trying to obtain all paper products from recycled sources.

The Union also intends to run a recycling campaign to promote recycled products, in

order to show why recycling is done and where it is available.

Gareth Blake added: “The aim of the campaign is to make students more aware of the world around them so that they realise that these ethical and environmental issues impact on other peoples’

lives, not just theirs”. gair rhydd will also be running a recycling awareness campaign throughout next term, with the aim of getting Cardiff Council to extend the recycling route to cover both the ‘Student Village’ area in Cathays and student Halls of Residence.

CHRISTMAS STRESSES? DON’T PANIC. FIND OUT ABOUT THE NEW ONLINE LISTENING EAR IN FEATURES, P16 News p1–8 ● Letters p13 ● Comment p11 ● GRiP p15 ● Sport p24

News

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IN BRIEF Winter

Wonderland is back Students blow bigger and better than ever whistle on violence

A CAMPAIGN that aims to draw attention to domestic violence recently took place outside the Students Union building.

The “Blow The Whistle On Domestic Violence” campaign was organised by Cardiff University’s Womens Group and the Women’s Exec officer, Mel Whitter.

Students stood on the Union steps blowing whistles to try and highlight the problem of domestic violence.

In the UK, about one third of women are said to suffer from domestic violence at some point during their lives.

Mel Whitter said, “the event was a success and many students showed their support.

I am glad that the campaign has drawn attention to the problem of domestic violence and hope that it has a positive effect”.

Bioscience research PIONEERING GENETICS research at Cardiff University is being shared with the wider scientific community thanks to a new collaboration.

Cardiff’s School of Biosciences has signed a memorandum of understanding with one of India’s premier research institutions, the Centre for Cellular and Molecular Biology in Hyderabad.

The research aims to increase understanding of debilitating human disorders, such as cystic fibrosis and cancer.

The formal collaboration, initially for a period of five years, will facilitate the exchange of staff and research students working on joint research programmes.

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

John Collingridge reports OPEN AIR ice-skating, live music and fairground rides can all be found at the Winter Wonderland.

Following last year’s success, Cardiff City Council have recreated the event again for 2002, on the City Hall Lawn. The event was a phenomenal success last year, with over 32,000 visitors putting their blades to the ice.

This year the Council wishes to build on that success and Deputy Mayor Marion Drake hopes that this year’s event will encourage even more people down to the Civic Centre.

She said: “Last year’s event was enjoyed by thousands from across Wales and the South West. Once again Cardiff is leading the way in providing affordable premier events.”

The Winter Wonderland opened on the 30th November and will run until the 5th January. As well as the large open-air ice rink, that is 50 per cent larger than last year’s, the brightly lit and colourful event has a Big Wheel and a music stage, from which various bands and artists will perform every Friday and Saturday evening.

BBC Radio Wales and Red Dragon FM will also be doing

live broadcasts from the events.

The celebrations reach a climax on New Years Eve, where there is an opportunity to skate into the New Year with late-night bookings accepted. Starting at 7pm with live music from tribute bands on stage, the night will culminate with a spectacular fireworks finale at midnight.

Cardiff is also hosting a free New Year Celebration called the Calennig.

Tied in with the Winter Wonderland are also a number of other smaller events, with a live broadcast on BBC Radio Wales from the City Centre, a family lantern parade, a free bus service to and from the Centre, and even a Bikini Band Beach Party.

The celebrations are linked to Cardiff’s bid to become a European Capital of Culture. Entertainment events which attract large crowds are one of the ways in which it hopes to win the title, which if successful, would bring vast all-round improvements to the capital and its economy.

The prices for the skating area are £6 for adults, £4 concessions. It is advised to PHOTO: TOM VAUGHAN book well ahead to avoid disappointment.

A student enjoys the fun at the ice rink

Protests over BNP debate at Cambridge Mark Cobley reports A LEADING Liberal Democrat MP has been forced to pull out of a debate with extremist BNP leader Nick Griffin after intense pressure from student protestors.

Lembit Opik, the party’s spokesman for Northern Ireland, had been planning to share a platform at Cambridge University Union with the farright leader.

A coalition of Labour Students, ethnic minority groups and anti-racism students, including the Union of Jewish Students, protested against the event at the Cambridge Union.

They insisted that Mr. Opik was lending credibility to the BNP’s views even by appearing alongside him, despite his obvious intention to argue against Griffin in the debate.

Cardiff University Women’s Officer Mel Whitter personally wrote to Mr. Opik urging him against appearing at the Cambridge Union, telling him that she believed the event would “raise racial tensions in Cambridge”.

Kimberly Chong,

Cambridge Students’ Union anti-racism officer, told Varsity, Cambridge’s student newspaper, that “We want to prevent extremists from getting a high profile platform to incite hatred on grounds of race, religion or sexual orientation”.

Despite telling The Guardian he would attend, Mr. Opik pulled out of the debate at the last minute.

Mel Whitter was pleased the campaign had been a success: “I’m delighted that Mr. Opik has bowed to pressure from students across the UK. Organisations such as the BNP have no place on our campuses”.

Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik

Top-up fees in question Rhiannon Davies reports THE VICE-CHANCELLOR of Cardiff University recently met with the Labour MP for Cardiff Central to discuss the issue of top-up fees.

The VC was one of several people who met with Labour MP Jon Owen Jones last week.

The MP also spoke with Magaret Hodge, the Minister for Higher Education, and Charles Clarke, the Secretary of State for Education.

He made the point that topup fees are not the answer to the cash-flow problems that face universities.

Mr Jones said, “I have been against top-up fees since they were first suggested several years ago, and believe they would be an unacceptable burden on students, especially those from poorer backgrounds.”

Since voting for the original introduction of fees three times, Mr. Jones seems to have had a change of heart.

He asked Cardiff University students to think about the options regarding university funding, including the possibility of a graduate tax, and whether this tax should be graded according to earnings or a flat amount as in Scotland.

Students can email their views about university fees and student funding to Jon Owen Jones’ Westminster office at jonesj@parliament.ac.uk.

His phone number is 02920 635811.

Physics school unveils a dishy little number Robbie Lane reports A THREE-METRE wide satellite dish has been installed on a Cardiff rooftop with the hope of discovering more about space.

The Cardiff University department for Physics and Astronomy, has installed a new radio-telescope, which specifically hopes to observe the ‘interstellar medium’.

Whilst an ordinary optical telescope would just detect light, the new radio- telescope can give information about the hydrogen between stars as well as the stars themselves.

Students will be able to use the dish, as well as members of the Cardiff Astronomical Society.

Project leader, Dr Derek Ward-Thompson was excited about the new venture.

Left to right: student Luke Woolfenden, technician He said, “This is a unique Hugh Lang, project leader Dr. Derek Ward-Thompson opportunity for Cardiff stu- and engineer Glynn Summers dents to get some hands-on Some of the funding for The same department also experience of observing space right from the heart of the announced last week that they both of the new projects came have installed a new filter for from the Particle Physics and capital.” an existing telescope that will Astronomy Research Council Data results from the projallow astronomers from the as part of their Public ect will be posted at university to take better pic- Understanding of Science www.astro.cardiff.ac.uk as scheme. tures of the sun. soon as the research begins.

News

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Last stand for Cardiff Hawkers Katie Bodinger reports STREET TRADERS and canvassers could soon be facing fines of up to £500, with the introduction of a new by-law by Cardiff Council’s Licensing and Public Protection Committee.

The law has been brought in to curb the growing number of street traders in and around Cardiff city centre.

But the ban will not apply to people trying to sign shoppers up to donate to charities such as Greenpeace and Oxfam.

Councillor Simon Wakefield, who has worked at Cardiff University for a number of years, has welcomed the changes.

But he is still concerned about the aggravation that may be caused by hawkers from charititable organisations.

He said: “I do have a prob-

lem with charities stopping people in the street in this way - simply because of the annoyance factor.

“I have had a lot of residents in my ward complaining about this.

“It’s got to the stage where you can’t go 10-15 yards along Queen Street without getting stopped.

“Lots of the people asked are in a hurry and contribute to the charity anyway.

“People are being impeded all the time.

“It’s just all got a bit too much,” he added.

“I understand that a lot of students do this kind of work and probably get commission from it,” he continued.

“But there’s too much hindrance for people walking around the centre.

“I worry about the image this is portraying of Cardiff.”

Street traders: will numbers continue to grow in Cardiff?

Slippery characters at University reptile show Mark Cobley reports VENOMOUS CATSNAKES, Boa constrictors and eightfoot-long pythons temporarily infested Cardiff University last week, as the travelling Reptile World show came to visit.

Organised by Cardiff postgraduate Rhys Jones, together with the Union’s Wildersoc, the show offered people the chance to see some of the world’s most dangerous snakes, as well as to handle some of the less hazardous reptiles.

Some of the show’s highlights included the Burmese Python Iris, who was so long it took four men Snake roadshow:the pleasure of handling snakes to carry her, and whose diet can include sheep, pigs and matter of hours since there is the snakes, because we love no known antidote for its these animals. occasionally household pets.

“We want to encourage Some of the more venom.

Rhys Jones, who is a people to respect these dangerous animals featured in the presentation included the postgraduate in Herpatology, snakes, not to fear them”.

He also had a warning for Bush Viper, so well the study of snakes, told gair anyone thinking of buying a camouflaged it was virtually rhydd: “We like to show people snake as a pet. invisible, and able to kill in a “Make sure you find out how real herpatologists “We want to teach handle snakes, partly in light what sort of snake you are of the fantasies you see on buying. Many start off less than a foot long, but can television. people to respect “The presenters are often eventually grow to be huge.

“A lot of the snakes here just doing it for their own snakes, but not benefit, and can be quite today were unwanted pets that we have ‘rescued’”. cruel to the snakes. fear them.”

The lecture theatre was We are always careful to EVENT ORGANISER, RHYS JONES keep in mind the benefit of packed out as more than 280

people attended the talk.

Jenny Smith, President of the Union’s Wildersoc society, said: “We’re very pleased so many people came out to see the show, since Reptile World are donating the money from tonight back to our society.

“Most of us in the society study Zoology, but it is not an exclusive society and anyone is interested in natural history and wildlife can join.

“Our next major event will be next term, when we hope to be running a talk on Humpback whales”.

‘Around the world in 18 Change of Varsity Venue stalls’ at the Great Hall Rhiannon Davies reports

Katie Bodinger reports

it had turned out.

She said, “All our aims for the evening were achieved.

The atmosphere was warm and intimate with everyone sitting quietly on the floor to watch the performances. It was great fun.

“There was a representation of many countries from Europe, Asia and Africa. So there was lots of variety to the day.

“The musical acts really got the crowd involved and everybody I spoke to said that they had really enjoyed the night.

“This is the only event where there is a complete integration of culture in the University; it gives people the chance to have a taste of different countries and different cultures from across the world.”

THE ANNUAL Global Village gathering took place in the Great Hall last week, with Union officers calling it the most successful event of its kind to date.

Around 1,000 people attended the celebration of global culture, which is considered by some to be the most important social event of the year for International students.

People were offered samples of food from the eighteen stalls representing countries from around the world.

They were also entertained with an eclectic range of music, with twenty-one acts performing live on stage.

The East African Society won the award for Best Performance after an enthusiastic reception from the crowd.

International Students’ Officer Natasha Amaradosa was one of the people who helped to organise the night and was pleased with the way A packed out Global Village, its most successful ever

THE VARSITY match between Cardiff and Swansea Universities will be played at The Brewery Field, home of Bridgend RFC this year.

The Abbey National Welsh Varsity Challenge 2003 will take place on Wednesday February 13, in the event’s eighth year. It is the first time the match has been played outside Cardiff and Swansea.

It is now the second largest of the British Varsity games behind the Oxbridge match, regularly attracting close to a 5,000 crowd.

The clash will be the third year that the event has been backed by Abbey National and will see a return of the Abbey National Varsity Challenge Shield.

This event will see over 20 other University sports teams competing for the shield in daytime competitions.

The evening rugby match kicks off at 7pm and will see entertainment including a brass band, face painting and student-priced bars.

Supporting the Cardiff team will be Cardiff University’s

Snakecharmers cheerleaders.

Cardiff University’s Athletic Union President, Polly Hills said, “The Abbey National Welsh Varsity Challenge is undoubtedly the highlight of the student sporting calendar in Wales, and an event that I am extremely proud of, both in terms of sporting success and the monies raised for charity.”

Adrian Hadley, Chief Executive of Bridgend RFC said, “We are very happy to be hosting this seasons Vasity

match.

“The Brewery Field is a top class venue and I am sure it will bring the best out of the players and supporters. We are greatly looking forward to it.”

Last years match saw Swansea retain the Rugby Trophy, with Cardiff picking up the shield for the successes of the daytime fixtures.

Preparation for this years event is already well under way and it is looking to be bigger and better than ever.

Agony: last year’s Varsity match

Background

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Israel and the Palestinians : A back to basics guide War and terrorism seems to dominate the news at the moment.

There is so much conflict between countries fighting for their independence or religious groups maintaining their doctrines and beliefs that it is hard to grasp all the facts. We seem to live in a society which is more apathetic to conflict than ever before. But is it really a desire to distance ourselves from the horrifying reality of the hostilities in a foreign country or is it just plain ignorance of the facts?

In a society where time is of the essence and news is often delivered in capsule form – soundbites, news updates, brief headlines –

there seems to be a tendency for news which can only be followed with previous knowledge of a situation. How many of us could truly claim to understand the background to the hold-up of a theatre in Moscow, or the meanings behind the re-election of Benjamin Netanyahu to Ariel Sharon’s cabinet in Israel?

Fed up of feeling ignorant about current world issues, and realising that I’m not alone, this article gives the very basic facts of conflict in the Middle East, in an attempt to elucidate the issues and educate myself and those who likewise wish to understand the complicated issues. Charlotte Spratt

The region from the Jordan River in the East to the Mediterranean Sea, south of Lebanon and North of Sinai Peninsula, has been a place of bitter struggle for millennia. Both Palestinians and Israelis claim the area as sacred and an important part of their identity.

With anti-Semitism growing in 19th century Europe, a number of influential Jews founded a movement called Zionism. Their goal was to recreate a Jewish homeland in Palestine. They began to establish colonies within the largely Arab and Muslim population in Palestine.

Before WW1

After the First World War, Britain gained control of Palestine. Britain’s foreign secretary was Arthur J. Balfour and he had the idea of creating a ‘national home’ for the Jews within Palestine. In return for Arab support against the Ottoman Empire, the Balfour Declaration also promised to help Arab leaders to create their own independent states.

But the Arabs thought Palestine was to be an independent Arab state, which was not what Balfour intended. They wanted a Jewish state to exist within Palestine.

1917

In 1921, The British laid the foundations of a separate Arab state. They reserved lands eats if the Jordan River (Transjordan, three quarters of Palestine) exclusively for Arabs which enraged militant Zionists. At the same time, Jewish emigration had risen rapidly since the end of the war, much to the alarm of the Arabs who saw the Zionist movement strengthening its power.

1921-29

Alarmed by Jewish expansion, Arabs riot and kill over 130 Jews. In retaliation, Zionists begin arming themselves. Terrorist attacks begin.

1929

With the rise of Nazism, Jewish immigration increases dramatically.

1930/40s

UN vote to partition Palestine into Jewish and Arab controlled parts.

Whilst the Jewish reluctantly agree, Arabs reject the plan, fearing an enforced removal from the proposed Jewish state.

1947

Zionist leader, David BenGurion, declares Israeli independence. Egypt, Syria, Transjordan, Lebanon and Iraq invade with intent of destroying Israel – despite their numerical superiority, the Arabs are soundly defeated.

1948-49

Various disputes including Israel’s 1956 invasion of Sinai Peninsula.

1950-66

Six day war. Arab armies begin mobilising on Israel’s borders. Israel respond by launching attacks on Egypt, Jordan and Syria. They capture Gaza Strip, West Bank, Golan Heights and Sinai. UN pass resolution 242 – demanding Israel withdraw from these territories. It is still waiting.

1967

The Palestine Liberation Organisation (PLO) is set up with a national charter insisting Palestinians have a right to their homeland. Yasser Arafat elected chairman.

1968-70

Issues of conflict

Black September. PLO militants hijack three passenger planes and take them to Jordan. In response to western outrage, Jordan’s King Hussein orders the PLO to be destroyed. PLO re-bases in Lebanon.

1972

1973 1978

Yom Kippur War. Egypt and Syria launch attacks on this Jewish holy day. After initial setbacks, Israelis regain lost land and more.

Camp David accords. Israeli-Egyptian peace in which Israel return Sinai Peninsula.

LAST FIVE YEARS

1997-9 Palestinian extremists involved in more suicide bombings.

Clinton, Arafat and Netanyahu sign a land-for-peace deal in October 1998. It includes a crackdown on terrorists, transfer of 14.2 percent of the West Bank to return to Palestinian control, release of 750 Palestinian prisoners from Israeli prisons.

Netanyahu is beaten by a moderate (Barak) in the Israeli elections.

2000 Camp David II. Clinton, Arafat and Barak meet. Arafat rejects Barak’s offer for control of most of the territory Israel occupied in the 1967 six-day war. Violence on both sides.

2001 Ariel Sharon victorious in Israeli elections. US attempts to secure a ceasefire fail. September 11 sparks renewed interest in the Middle East peace process but Israel mounts massive assaults on Palestinian territories.

2002 Palestininan suicide bombings and Israeli military actions.

There are more than 3.7 million Palestinian refugees After withdrawing from Sinai, Israeli jets bomb PLO strongholds in Beirut and S. Lebanon before invadin the Middle East. Following ing both. After negotiations, PLO agree to leave Beirut under the protection of a multinational force. the 1947 partition of 1982 Palestine, many Palestinians fled or were driven from their homes First Intifada (palestinian uprising) in occupied territories (Gaza, West Bank and Jerusalem). by advancing Jewish forces; a third Demonstrations continued for years and Arafat claimed the PLO was a government in exile went to the West Bank, a third to the 1987 of the ‘State of Palestine.’ The PLO recognised, formally, Israel’s right to exist in 1988.

Gaza strip and the rest to Lebanon, Syria, Jordan and the rest of the world.

After the 1967 war, many were again displaced – many who fled from the West Secret peace talks in Norway revealed between PLO and Israel. Treaty of mutual recognition Bank and Gaza settled in Jordan. and of limited self-rule for Palestinians in Jericho and Gaza.

1993 Palestinians assert the right to return to their homes, but Israel refuses to take responsibility for the problem. They fear that their return will wipe out Yitzhak Rabin (Israeli prime minister) is assassinated by a young Jewish fanatic at a the Jewish majority and threaten Israel’s future as the peace rally just two months after expanding Palestinian self-rule.

1995 world’s only Jewish state.

Both Israel and the Palestinians regard the city of Jerusalem as a symbol of nationhood and religious significance; Arafat elected Palestinian president in first-ever Palestinian elections both view it as their capital. Israel took control of the Palestinian Islamic extremists target crowded buses in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv, East Jerusalem in 1967. For either party to now accept the claims of undermining the peace process. Hard-line Benjamin 1996 the other will undermine their own deep-rooted claim.

Netanyanhau elected in Israel’s elections.

At this time, the settlement of Jews in Palestinian-controlled regions began. Some settlers view themselves as ‘pioneers’ claiming the biblical heartConfused land but to many secular, dovish Israelis, settler ideology precludes the possibility about what’s going on in of reaching a peace agreement with the Palestinians. the world? Want more biteToday, there are 145 settlements along the West Bank and Gaza. Many are protected sized backgrounds? Want to put by security guards or nearby Israeli forces and nestle alongside Palestinian refugee camps. your point of view across?

However, before 9/11 attacks on them was rare. Now they are increasingly the scenes of conEmail us at the newsdesk flict and violence from both sides.

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CRIME FILE DRINK SPIKE CARDIFF STUDENTS are being warned to be extra careful whilst out drinking, following an alleged case of a drink being spiked in the Taf. Early last week a female student had two drinks and suddenly became very ill and had to be taken home by friends.

The symptoms described by the woman and her friends suggest that some kind of drug had been used, and the case is being treated as a suspected case of drink spiking.

There is no need for serious concern, although students are warned to keep an eye on their drink at all times, stay with groups of friends and to tell someone they know if they do feel ill.

BIKE THEFTS THREE YOUTHS were disturbed at Severn Point and Talybont last week, attempting to steal bicycles.

Luckily the youths were disturbed and nothing was stolen.

Bikes should be locked with a substantial bicycle lock and anyone looking suspicious should be reported to security or local police.

PROPERTY MARKERS ALL FIRST year students should have received property marker pens by now.

The pens are a useful way of identifying and getting back property that has been stolen.

All valuable property should be marked with your home postcode and student number.

The serial numbers of the marked items should be noted in case of theft.

PHONES UPDATE DURING THE run up to Christmas, thieves may be more active than usual.

Police are advising students that handbags and mobile phones should be kept with you at all times. Phones should be kept hidden in pockets.

If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444.

PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/content/police.

‘President’ Blair’s Cardiff day out Peter Bramwell reports IN THE MIDST of the firefighters’ eight-day strike, the Prime Minister Tony Blair visited Cardiff, and gave his toughest message yet to the FBU. Delivering a key speech to a Labour fundraising gala on Thursday November 28, the Prime Minister told the protesting firemen, “We won’t give in to your demands.”

He arrived at Cardiff’s Marriot hotel at 3pm; just two hours after fire-fighters from around South Wales had brought traffic in the City Centre to a standstill.

On a silent ‘funeral march’, they walked from the Central

“We won’t give in to the firemen’s demands”.

PRIME MINISTER TONY BLAIR

fire station to the hotel, symbolising ‘the death of the fire service’.

Blair, however, was in no mood to appease the Fire Brigades Union.

He clearly stated that a big settlement would fuel a huge public-sector pay issue, and cause major economic problems.

He said, “We will not give in to a pay demand that would have devastating consequences for the economic situation.”

He declared that the government had a responsibility to the rest of the country, which they would not ignore.

During his speech, Mr Blair also praised the work of the National Assembly and said that, “Wales and Cardiff are going places”.

Also attending the dinner was special guest Richard Attenborough, who is soon to open up a new film studio in Wales which will be a major

contribution to Wales’s already growing economy.

The Prime Minister also commented on how impressed he was with Cardiff when he entered the city.

He said that it was very vibrant and that “there is a lot going on”.

First Minister Rhodri Morgan caused some amusement when he introduced the Prime Minister as ‘President’. He later insisted that it was a genuine mistake.

The FBU’s response to Blair’s speech was equally full of resolve and demanded him to back down on the issue.

However, tensions have since reduced after Firefighter leaders unexpectedly suspended their second eightday strike, and embraced conciliation talks.

At the moment an outcome from current negotiations is unclear.

In a dispute that could go on through Christmas and the New Year, both sides have

Prime Minister Tony Blair speaking in Cardiff declared that they are ready to attempt serious talks.

It is certain, however, that this is the biggest industrial crisis to confront Tony Blair

since 1997. With the next eight-day walk-out still pencilled in for December 1623, it is likely that negotiations will be tortuous.

Roath Park wins Green Flag Award John Collingridge reports ROATH PARK has won a prestigious Green Flag Award, from the organisation that recognises high standards in green spaces.

It has been hailed as a welcoming, healthy, safe, well-maintained and clean environment. The judges recognised that the park involves the local community and is sustainable.

Council member Marion Drake described how the Park, which is the busiest in Wales with about 2.4 million visitors per year, deserved the award.

She said, “Roath Park is the jewel among Cardiff’s many fine parks and everyone

connected with it should be congratulated.”

As part of the ongoing scheme to raise the profile of Cardiff’s community spaces, work has been going on to improve the appearance of the lake by dredging up thousands of tonnes of silt.

“I am sure the appearance of the lake will be greatly improved and there will be benefits for the many visitors as well as for the wildfowl and fish,” said Councillor Drake.

Cardiff council maintains Roath Park, and the Green Flag scheme is supported by the Government.

Regeneration Minister, Tom McNulty MP, said good quality PHOTO: TRISTAN CHADWICK green spaces were vital to improving local communities. The lake at Roath Park, one of its more picturesque scenes

No ‘Mass Destruction Studies’ at Cardiff Stephen Fishbourne reports CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has confirmed that it fully supports current Government efforts to prevent the infiltration of hostile scientists into British Universities.

The affirmation comes after Oxford Academic, Dr Joseph Skelton, revealed to BBC Radio 4’s ‘File on 4’ program that, in the years running up to the Gulf war, the Iraqi government attempted to place a number of its scientists on postgraduate mircobiological courses in the UK. It is suspected that the scientists came to Britain for the purposes of gaining the expertise needed to construct

biological and chemical weapons.

However, the vetting has run into opposition from some academics, who fear it will be used as a means to discriminate against foreign students.

Dr Skelton became suspicious of one applicant in his department.

“He had a superb CV, was going to work for us for free and we would receive £20,000 from the Iraqi government”.

His suspicions became more acute as he discovered that only the mircobiology department had been targeted

by Iraqis, the field most applicable to biological warfare.

He alerted the security services and subsequent

checks revealed that at least ten Iraqi students had been accepted and were already working in British institutions.

At the outbreak of the Gulf War they were arrested and

He can’t study here

deported.

In the aftermath of the war a voluntary vetting scheme was set up by the Government whereby Universities are supposed to alert the Foreign Office to any applications they receive from countries of concern for work in sensitive areas of research.

However, research conducted by File on 4 shows that the scheme is not effective enough and in a survey of 41 Universities, only 17 had used the scheme in the last two years.

Cardiff University told gair rhydd, “The University supports the Foreign and Commonwealth Voluntary Vetting Scheme.

“We are aware of, and would make use of the scheme were we to have our

suspicions raised about applicants from countries of concern”.

Worries about the effectiveness of the scheme have been voiced by the Foreign Affairs Select Committee and some MPs are calling for the scheme to become compulsory.

This reaction has angered many academics, such as Ian Gibson, now chairman of the Science and Technology Select Committee, who said, “It will never work - I don’t think universities will go along with it.

“You would set up a whole environment of fear and intimidation and who knows where it would stop?”

Cardiff University declined to comment on any extension of the existing system.

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● THE AFTERMATH of the war in Afghanistan continued to dominate the headlines, as worries surfaced over the treatment of the al-Qaida prisoners in ‘Camp X-Ray’.

The Guardian reported that the treatment of the prisoners threatened to open the “first rift” between Britain and the US since September 11, as three of the prisoners at the camp in Cuba were British.

Jack Straw said that the prisoners should be treated “humanely”.

Meanwhile, The Sun was on usual outraged form, complaining that the prisoners were enjoying the easy life at western expense.

Richard Littlejohn opined that “people pay good money for that sort of sort of weather at this time of year”.

● STEPHEN BYERS, New Labour’s answer to Nasty Nick, wriggled out of losing his job - just.

Facing down a hostile House of Commons and a personal meeting with the Prime Minister to discuss his future, Byers had difficulty explaining whether he had lied or not over the departure of his press chief Martin Sixsmith.

The Press bayed for blood: “Spinnochio” cried The Mirror, while the Daily Mail attacked Blair for giving the “red carpet treatment” to his “Minister for Deception”.

● OSCARS FOR a tearful Halle Berry and Denzel Washington, and an honorary award for Sidney Poitier, led to most media commentators describing the awards as an historic breakthrough for African American actors.

Meanwhile, at the alternative Golden Raspberry Awards, Tom Green won four awards including Worst Actor and Worst Director for his universally condemned Freddy Got Fingered.

He became the first person in the ‘Razzies’ history to turn up in person to collect them.

● THE RESULT of the French elections sent shock waves around the world, after JeanMarie Le Pen, the veteran leader of the far-right National Front party, beat the Socialist Lionel Jospin to come second in the competition for the country’s President.

● THE MAVERICK Dutch politician Pim Fortuyn was assassinated by a lone gunman in a development that shocked and amazed a country usually famed for its tolerant, easygoing nature.

It appeared Fortuyn was killed by a mentally unstable animal rights activist.

Fortuyn had risen to prominence as leader of the newest Dutch political party, the Fortuyn List.

His controversial views on Islam (which he described as “backward”) and his insistence that immigration should be curbed, led many to describe him as ‘far-right’, but the fact that he was socially liberal and openly gay made him hard to pigeonhole.

However, recently the party, made up largely of political novices held together only by Fortyn’s powerful personality, disintegrated into bitter infighting and has seen its support slump.

The party is expected to gather less than 4 per cent of the seats in January’s forthcoming elections.

● US TELECOMS giant World Com spectacularly imploded, in the biggest corporate bankruptcy in history.

The ebullient former Chief Executive of the company, Bernie Ebbers, was singled out for the blame by most.

The Guardian attacked the “market dogma” that insisted regulation was bad for business.

Characteristically, The Telegraph on the other hand praised the “creative destruction” of capitalism, which was now punishing WorldCom for their actions.

However, as The Mirror pointed out, this came entirely too late for the average man: “on average, each of us lost £1,800 yesterday”.

● GORDON BROWN suffered a personal tragedy on January 7 as his first child, ten-day old baby Jennifer Jane, died of a brain haemorrhage.

Scottish Secretary Helen Liddell, a friend of Gordon Brown, said “This is heartbreaking news.

“Jennifer may have known her parents for such a short time, but she will have changed their lives forever”.

Tony Blair, obviously close to tears, said, “I feel so desperately sorry for Gordon and Sarah”.

● SPIKE MILLIGAN, one of Britain’s most well-loved comics, passed away on February 27, aged 83.

Milligan was famous for his role as the driving force behind the Goon Show, the anarchical radio comedy programme that influenced Monty Python.

Eddie Izzard described him as “the Godfather of alternative comedy”, but the definitive words came from the man himself.

“I’d like to go to heaven,” Milligan was quoted in The Sun, “But if Jeffery Archer’s there, I’d like to go to Lewisham”.

gair rhydd:

gair rhydd:

● AROUND 50 business students were faced with resitting one of their exams, after a lecturer reproduced word-for-word, several questions from a core text.

Because the exam was openbook, it meant many students had perfect model answers written out in front of them.

Professor Roger Mansfield of the Business School apologised personally to students.

● CARDIFF UNIVERSITY was ranked 7th in the country for academic research, according to a national survey of 106 institutions. ● THE BOND Board scheme, campaigned for by gair rhydd during 2001, became a reality across Cardiff in January.

The scheme, funded by the Assembly, provides security to student tenants by holding their bond payments.

● A TALYBONT student was found dead in his room after telling his flatmates he was going home for the weekend.

James Christopher Bird, a first-year Chemistry student, was thought to have lain undiscovered for at least four days.

A spokeswoman for South Wales Police confirmed that there were no suspicious circumstances surrounding the death. ● THERE WAS controversy over Cardiff University’s involvement with Guinea pig breeders, Newchurch Farm.

Animal Rights protestors distributed thousands of leaflets saying “Cardiff University Kills” to houses all over Cathays and Roath, as well as taking a petition to the University.

The University accepted the petition but denied any wrongdoing. A spokesman for the University said inspection of the farm was a matter for the Home Office, who had passed the farm.

● PRESIDENT BUSH risked the anger of the world with his decision to slap tarriffs on steel imports.

This move, aimed at protecting the US Steel industry at the expense of everyone else, came in for especial criticism because the United States is usually at the forefront of efforts to open up global trade.

Although the European Union would have had the right to impose more than £4bn worth of sanctions in return, europoliticians held back for fear of starting a destructive trade war.

gair rhydd:

● MARGARET HODGE, the government’s higher education minister, came out with the first in a long line of student-related gaffes when she admitted she was “not too concerned” about students taking on part-time work to help fund their studies.

The NUS countered with their own evidence showing how students’ grades suffer because of part-time work.

● THE UNION EXECUTIVE elections descended into farce as the much-vaunted new electronic voting system malfunctioned.

Candidates for the Athletic Union Presidency had an agonising wait of more than 12 hours for the result, with Polly Hills eventually triumphing.

Outgoing Union President Tom McGarry was adamant he did not regret introducing the new voting system.

“We had loads of test runs and despite the glitch, we have not lost any data,” he said.

“We simply needed a few more hours”.

The Sun lead the criticism, describing what had happened in France as “repugnant”.

The Times agreed, saying “Voters should be shocked by what they have done”.

Most blamed the result on a low turnout and on the splintering of the moderate left-wing parties.

● THE QUEEN Mother was given a grand send-off on April 9, as about 400,000 mourners lined the streets of London.

All the papers led with variations on the image of her four grandsons following her flag-draped coffin, with the exception of The Star, which carried a picture of a scantilyclad Kylie Minogue on the front page as a mark of respect to Her Majesty.

It seemed that The Mirror summed up the mood of the nation: “Her death has reminded Britain of what the Monarchy stood for, and why it just might matter after all”.

gair rhydd:

● THE UNION was granted a 2am late licence after a fiveyear campaign eventually proved successful.

Cardiff County Council’s licensing commitee made the shock move after deciding that the Union should have the same open rights as surrounding clubs in the area.

Union Communications and Community officer Elaye Clark said staff at the Union were “very, very happy”.

Solus is now permitted to stay open until two o’clock but must stop serving alcohol an hour earlier.

● A CARDIFF UNIVERSITY student made legal history by defending himself from a phone box on Park Place.

It was the first time ever that a court had ever accepted testimony over the phone.

The law student was also successful in the case, which involved a dispute with a firm of solicitors.

gair rhydd:

● CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S Creative Writing Department became enveloped in controversy, as sacked lecturers attacked the Course Convenor, Dr. Lauri Ramey, and the Head of English Department.

Dr. David Greenslade, a former lecturer at the department, made worrying allegations of marking corruption, unfair dismissal and even staff physically restraining students.

Nine lecturers were dismissed over the course of the year, or informed that their contracts were not being renewed.

Jim Tucker, a published crimewriter, resigned, saying he had found the atmosphere “unwholesome”.

The Creative Writing Dept. refused to comment but the University denied any wrongdoing.

● ACADEMIC AFFAIRS Officer Ian Hibble declared himself “alarmed” that potentially explosive materials were being stored in the University’s main building.

A small amount of explosive Dispropylether was disposed of safely by the ‘Bomb Squad’.

● ENGLAND’S WORLD cup dreams looked like having a chance of coming true, after they beat Argentina 1-0 and, in what was hardly their finest hour of football, held Nigeria to a draw.

However, by the end of the month England were out of the competition after a 2-1 loss to Brazil, the eventual winners.

An early Owen goal and frantic second-half efforts by England could not compensate for the skills of Rivaldo and the freakish, heartbreaking free-kick strike

by Ronaldhino.

gair rhydd:

● THE NEW NUS cards were criticised as reports started to circulate of the NUS’s plans to introduce them.

The new ‘swipe’ cards were attacked by Students’ Unions, who believed they would be costly to implement and bring few benefits to students.

Furthermore, discounts were no longer immediate, but were saved to an online ‘ewallet’. To use the new cards students had to sign up to NUSonline.

Since then, the cards have faced more problems as the company that runs them and the NUS’ website, ITM, has gone bust. ● STUDENTS LEARNT that the planned merger of Cardiff University with the Medical School is to go ahead, with the intention of creating an “internationally renowned research institution”.

Documents recieved at a meeting to discuss the project, revealed that the merger would create a University with 4,500 staff, 20,000 students and a turnover of £250 million.

02 The Year in News

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● AN ATTEMPTED assassination on French President Jacques Chirac was foiled on the country’s traditional Bastille Day. Maxime Brunerie, 26, admitted he wanted to kill the president.

The man had links to neonazi groups and was later taken to a psychiatric hospital.

He had fired in the direction of the president's car, but the bullet went astray and no one was injured.

A spokesperson for the French police force said, “I don't think there was any plot because the shooter would have used a gun of a larger calibre.

“It looks like the act of a demented person.”

● FLOODS SWEPT through Central and Eastern Europe, causing millions of pounds of damage and destroying thousands of homes in the region.

Heavy rain and melting snow caused water in Germany’s Lake Constance, on the borders with Austria and Switzerland, to reach its highest level for 200 years.

One German policeman said the floods had come “as quickly as a snow avalanche.”

● THE SUMMIT on Sustainable Development in Johannesburg, South Africa, ended in disappointment.

Almost 60,000 delegates from around 193 countries had attended the summit, which aimed to make agreements on improving people’s standard of living in poorer countries while reversing ecological deterioration.

Governments made deals to restore the world’s fisheries to a healthy state by 2015. Russia and Canada also agreed to ratify the Kyoto Protocol on Global Warming, while governments across the world agreed to halve the number of people lacking basic water and sanitation by 2015.

But it had got of to a bad start after US President George Bush declined to attend. Many of the summit’s most pressing concerns remained unresolved.

● N E W S P A P E R S CONDEMNED an attack on the Indonesian island of Bali.

188 people died after an explosion went off in the island’s Sari Club.

The number of Britons who died in the club was estimated at 33, but the majority of the victims were Australians.

The blast came as a massive blow to Indonesia’s tourism industry.

● THE UNITED Nations ruled that weapons inspectors must be allowed back into Iraq.

After six weeks of negotiating, the 15 members of the UN’s permanent Security Council finally came to agreement, giving inspectors powers to remove Iraqi experts and their families from the country, in order to conduct interviews.

The decision came shortly after Saddam Hussein had unexpectedly led out thousands of political prisoners from the country’s jails.

● STRIKING FIREFIGHTERS in Britain caused the government to continue to send in the army to deal with blazes across the country.

The firemen, led by union leader Andy Gilchrist still demanded a 40 per cent pay rise, but the government fears letting in to their demands could lead to subsequent strikes across the public sector.

Newspapers were divided on the issue, but The Times said “Mr Gilchrist's obstinate leadership is pushing him into a confrontation with the government that he cannot win”.

The paper said, “an effective politician needs bogeymen,” adding that Gilchrist, whose anti-modernisation case has been “shredded” by the effectiveness of the stand-in troops and their green goddesses, is that man.

● BRIGHTON BEACH was crammed to bursting after an estimated 250,000 people turned up to a free party hosted by DJ Fatboy Slim.

Two people died and more than 90 people were injured at the event.

The Big Beach Boutique was billed as Europe’s biggest free beach party, but was only expected to attract around 60,000 people.

A senior control centre manager for Sussex Ambulance Service, said, “It was awful and should never have happened.

“I think we now need to approach this event on the side of caution.” ● JEAN-MARIE Messier left his job as CEO of media giant Viviendi Universal.

Messier turned Viviendi into the world's second largest media company with artists such as U2.

He quit after the firm subsequently lost more than 80 per cent of its value.

● BRAZIL WON their fifth World Cup on July 1st after beating Germany 2-0 in Yokohama.

Ronaldo scored both the winning goals in the second half, silencing his critics forever.

The 25 year-old returned to his home country a hero, four years after a disappointing final in France.

The team, managed by Luiz Felipe Scolari, had been written off before the World Cup following a poor qualification campaign.

● HOLLY WELLS and Jessica Chapman Were found dead after going missing from their homes over two weeks previously.

The discovery came at the end of huge hunt led by Cambridgeshire Police.

Express Newspapers had also offered a £1m award if the girls were found.

The pair had gone missing from their home in Soham, Cambridgeshire on Sunday, 4th August, shortly before a barbecue with their family.

Ian Huntly, 28, and Maxine Carr, 25, were later arrested in connection with the murders after Police searched Soham Village Centre and St Andrew’s Primary School, where the girls attended.

Soham local vicar Alban Jones told a packed congregation shortly after the girls bodies were discovered that, "As we are thinking of these two delightful girls, we have been constantly aware of the searing heart-rending agony that the parents have been going through."

“Sadly in Soham we have an amazingly appaling example of the extreme depravity that human hearts can sink to,” he added.

● THE POPE visited his home country of Poland to be greeted with millions of devout Christians.

More than two million people attended an open-air Mass in the Polish City of Krakow where the Pope warned against the dangers of genetic engineering.

Pope Jean Paul II, now in his 82nd year, said humans “frequently live as if God does not exist and even put themselves in God’s place.”

The pontiff joked that locals in Krakow, where he was ordained as a priest, tried to persuade him to leave Rome and come back home.

● ALLEGATIONS THAT Alevel papers had been marked down to keep results in line with previous years rocked the government’s education department.

Education Secretary Estelle Morris ordered an inquiry into the allegations, but exam boards claimed less than 300 candidates were effected.

● AROUND 400,000 people attended a march against government plans to ban hunting with dogs.

Organisers of the March for Liberty and Livelihood said the march was a "considered response" to governmental intrusions into rural affairs.

gair rhydd:

● CARDIFF’S STUDENT newspaper kicked off the new academic year by causing a storm in the media with a story about Kylie Minogue.

We ran a story about how Kylie had recorded a message to greet students calling the university’s Nightline service.

● THE REPUBLIC of Ireland voted "Yes" on a referendum on whether to extend the European Union to countries in Eastern Europe.

The result opened the way to European Union membership for the Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, Cyprus, Poland, Slovakia and Slovenia.

\

gair rhydd:

● XPRESS RADIO scooped a record ten nominations in Radio One’s Student Radio Awards, to secure its place as one of the country’s leading student radio stations.

They later went on to win the Best Show category and Vicki Blight won the award for Best Female Presenter.

The station’s presenter Suzanne Carter also scooped the silver award for Best Newcomer.

The team was runner-up in the best station category. ● COMPLAINTS WERE growing against the new NUS discount card.

The card was introduced to be used in conjunction with the NUS identity card in order to get discounts at stores such as HMV and Habitat.

But many students remained unaware that the card existed.

Other universities across the UK went so far as not introducing the card at all.

Volunteers from the service left an information pack and a blank minidisk with the star’s hotel when she visited the CIA earlier in the year. They then got the minidisk back with a recording of Kylie’s voice introducing the service.

The BBC, Channel Four, The Mirror and The Times all subsequently published articles on the star’s gesture.

● MANY STUDENTS who had applied for the new Welsh Assembly’s Learning grant were still waiting for the grant to be paid thanks to administrative problems.

The £1500 grant had been hailed as a "great victory" for Welsh students, but the short time local authorities had been given to deal with it meant student from Wales’ poorer families were still short of cash half-way into the term.

● The News of the World’s investigative reporter, Mazher Mahmood, gave the newspaper another scoop after uncovering a plot to kidnap Victoria Beckham.

The journalist was on hand to take pictures of the arrests of four men and one woman in two separate raids in London by officers from Scotland Yard's Serious and Organised Crime Command unit, known as SO7.

Victoria Beckham thanked the paper for its intervention, saying, "It's clear these people were serious and that has scared the life out of me."

gair rhydd:

● LESBIAN, GAY and Bisexual students were targeted in Halls of Residences.

Groups of students were quoted as telling LGB residents that “homosexuality is a sin.”

They requested residents to inform them of any “LGB students that you know so that we can show them the error of their ways.”

LGB student’s officer James Knight said, “Such blatant homophobia has enormous potential for damage.”

● THE VICE Chancellor of Cardiff University revealed concern over government proposals to charge students extra tuition fees.

He said the introduction of higher fees would be divisive for education in Britain.

He stressed that additional funding was needed for British universities, but said, “my personal opinion is that top-up fees for students is not the answer”.

● TV PRESENTER John Leslie, 37, was bailed after being arrested in connection with allegations of rape and indecent assault.

The Metropolitan Police said three women had made complaints against him after former weather presenter Ulrika Johnson had implied unwanted encounters with the presenter in an autobiography.

Numerous other women subsequently came forward with allegations against the famous presenter.

The star - who started his high-profile television career with Blue Peter - co-presented This Morning with Fern Briton after replacing Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan in 2001. ● THREE PEOPLE were killed in a McDonald’s restaurant in eastern Indonesia, as the month of Ramadam came to an end.

A hospital official said several people were injured at the fast food restaurant in Makassar, the provincial capital of Sulawesi – about 1000 miles east of Jakarta.

It was packed, after the breaking of the month-long fast when the blast went off.

McDonald’s spokesman John Blyth said: “Our top priority is to do everything we can to support the victims and their families.

He asserted the restaurant is “owned by local Indonesians”.

Merry Christmas and happy degaussing to you all! gair rhydd office Xmas presents: a chess set for Riath - Alastair Campbell in a box for Alex - potato wedges for Gemma - A book on Sports Science for Tristan - anger management pills for Simon Weston

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

December 9 2002

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

EDITORIAL

I

T SEEMS like only yesterday I was writing the last editorial. But although time has been wizzing by, a certain issue has been hanging around.

With the extremely disappointing turn out of students from Cardiff to the march in London last Wednesday, more fuel has been added to the fiery debate surrounding the issue of student apathy. To pinpoint the reasons why the numbers were quite so horrendously low, would not only be extremely useful but crucial, in order to positively turn things around. Such embarrassment and lack of action will hopefully be prevented from occurring again.

If the Union failed to provide sufficient information and publicity around the demonstration, then, of course, we must take a degree of the blame. Some have already expressed concerns about the manner in which the targeting of students and creating awareness happened, or maybe rather more accurately, didn’t. Maybe the gair rhydd itself was not utilised as fully in the campaign as it should have been.

Many other have suggested that the date was inappropriate. Wednesdays, when there are so many sport fixtures, society meetings and commitments holding students back from attending, truly may not have been ideal. I suspect myself that the time of year also didn’t help in the slightest. Snowed under by end of term deadlines and exams, the contradiction between completing university work and battling for its future is somewhat perplexing. Of course, the argument goes that it was only a day, and students from other universities managed it, so the real question seems to be; what makes the students of Cardiff so different to the rest of Wales? I suppose only time, and a good bit of investigative work will tell.

On a lighter note, I know you’ll miss us, but this is the last gair rhydd for over a month. We in the office will be kicking back, and enjoying the festive period, like the rest of you. We will travel far away from the office, leaving behind the constant swearing and frustrated aggression, and go to the comparative luxury of our family homes.

But for those who find Christmas a little less idyllic, and the stress tends to get too much, then log on to Samaritans online. A most unique service, and a gem of an idea, go take a little look at Features, if you think it’d be best if you knew some more.

However, all here hope you all have a wicked Christmas and New Year. We’re looking forward to getting out the next publication for you on January 20th.

Whose agenda?

Rowan against the tide...

LaDonna Hall

T Rhys James

F

EW ARGUMENTS can be expressed against the development of the idea of human rights.

Their conception, and expression through the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in 1948, displays one of the finer points of modern global civilisation.

In these 28 articles can be found a more intelligent and sophisticated form of thought, based on rights to specific freedoms, rather than indirect protection through the prevention of certain conducts.

Therefore, to hear George W. Bush using terms of human rights last week is especially sickening.

It degrades this noble idea and insults the countless thousands of all lands who have fought for it.

An excess of negative media coverage has led to human rights becoming synonymous with petty litigation and avarice; merely a legally structured means of making lawyers rather wealthy, and occupying citizens with minor personal grumps.

This phenomenon has been especially prevalent in the Euro-sceptic press, since the incorporation of the EU agreement into domestic law.

Human rights, however, relate to more than whether someone has the right to a particular convenience or indulgence.

It allows you and I, amongst many things, to openly express our opinions in this very paper, publicly maintain any religious, political or sexual affiliations and to live our lives freed from restraints.

I do not, in any way, condone Saddam Hussein’s human rights record, especially the much mentioned use of weapons against his “own people” (it should be noted that the victims were mostly Kurdish in origin, not “Iraqi”).

However, for the US President to flag up such abuses as a means of softening up public anxiety about military action is utterly hypocritical. Does Bush hope we will ignore the suspected al-Qaida and Taliban fighters (between whom the important distinction has not been made) who are being held, without charge or legal representation, in questionable conditions at Camp X-Ray? What of the immediate US government presence at the summary execution of countless prisoners of the Northern Alliance, whose mass graves are now beginning to emerge?

It is little mentioned that the States singularly emerges as the Western state most reluctant to sign up to any of the international human rights agreements.

The International Criminal Court would have been an active institution long before

now, and Milosevic’s trial over with, were it not for US uneasiness at its own culpability in abuse.

Amongst the allies of Bush, we find similarly dubious histories. Russian conduct in the Chechen conflict has not exactly been exemplary.

The probable responsibility of Russian Secret Services in bombing blocks of flats in Moscow says much in comparison with Saddam’s homicidal behaviour.

In Israel’s case, nothing is mentioned of Ariel Sharon’s role in encouraging the butchering of hundreds of innocents in the Lebanese camps of Sabra and Chatila, in September 1982.

One look at the photographs later used in the investigation of these massacres is enough to show that Sharon, and any that eagerly ally themselves with him, are in no position to claim themselves defenders of human freedoms.

Whilst Saddam is a reprehensible leader, and the world will benefit hugely from his departure, for Bush and his cronies to sound off about respect for human rights is thoroughly bad form.

Many people still exist who refuse to forget, or forgive, the behaviour of these “defenders of freedom” in the past, and the weakness of any of their claims to be “whiter-thanwhite”.

HE APPOINTMENT of a new Archbishop of Canterbury was bound to cause a bit of a stir in some quarters.

These sorts of things never seem to run smoothly.

I half expected Dr. Rowan Williams to be accused of wearing un-matching socks, or hitting badgers with spoons or objecting to the excessive consumption of Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodles by the student population of Wales.

In fact, any objections raised have stemmed from his perceived liberality on the issue of homosexuality.

At a time when the Church of England is in dire straits, seemingly spending more time discussing whether or not vicars should have to wear their robes in church rather than tackling human rights issues, it is extremely interesting to note the horror of some evangelical groups at the instigation of such a ‘heretic’.

They really shouldn’t have anything to worry about; Dr. Williams is reassuringly orthodox and, as he stood on the steps of St. Paul’s Cathedral after his confirmation service, he had all the appearance of a beautific Father Christmas, something to do with his cheeky grin and fluffy white beard.

Maybe he was allowing himself a smug smile at someone’s expense.

Religion faces some tough challenges in today’s society and any in-fighting within its organised institutions merely confirms the age-old and thorny issue of interpretation that cause a myriad of problems for religious leaders the world over.

Like it or not, we have a Church of England that still has the capacity to wield power over matters of national importance.

We should be heartened to see that its new figurehead has the common sense to realise that times are changing.

The new archbishop, Rowan Williams

The Butler didn’t do it... take two S Mark Cobley

o, it seems that yet another Royal Butler is innocent.

Yet again, millions of pounds of taxpayers money has been wasted on another trial that never was. Yet again, another individual (and by proxy, his family) has been dragged through the court system, with all the stress and embarrassment that entails.

Yet again, the media have scrambled over each other to provide the most sensational, shocking take on the royal scandal. Yet again, the Monarchy has come out of it all looking slightly less than blameless.

The ‘facts’ of this case really stretch my capacity for trust. First, Paul Burrell was

charged with the theft of scores of Princess Diana’s personal items.

He sat through the indignity and humiliation of a court trial for several weeks, repeatedly giving evidence.

He listened to the prosecutors and the police accusing him of being a thief and betraying the confidence of Diana, who let’s remember was his trusted confidant and close friend, in the most mercenary and cold-hearted way.

And during all this time, Mr. Burrell neglected to mention the one fact that would have completely cleared him – that he had spoken with the Queen, and she knew that he was looking after Diana’s belongings.

Meanwhile, the Queen

herself was surely watching the trial, and even before it, she surely knew about the police investigation into Burrell that had been going on for more than a year.

Despite all the media attention, despite the columnists, commentators and TV pundits ripping into Burrell’s character, nothing Her Majesty saw or read anywhere reminded her of this conversation. She only remembered a few weeks ago, which of course completely exonerated Burrell and gave him the chance to go sell his story to The Mirror.

What on Earth are we to make of this extraordinary chain of events? There seem to me to be two conclusions.

Either Paul Burrell is

possessed of an utterly grotesque degree of loyalty to a Royal Family that, up until a few weeks ago, seemed quite prepared to see him rot in jail, or two, none of it is true, no conversation took place and Burrell was saved by a Monarch anxious not to see any more of her family’s secrets paraded through the courts and through the pages of the tabloids.

Up until last week, I thought I was being overly cynical about this. Perhaps Her Majesty was genuinely forgetful and perhaps Paul Burrell was a faithful and honest servant.

Then, this second trial exploded. Now, it seems a second butler, Harold Brown, has been found innocent of stealing Diana and Charles’

personal belongings, on the grounds that Burrell told him to take care of them.

Logically, if Burrell took all the items in good faith, then Brown must have done so as well. Never mind that Brown, too, was so ludicrously ‘loyal’ that he didn’t mention this to the police earlier.

But of course it isn’t that simple. In the latest twist to the tale, Burrell has attacked Brown as a liar, and by implication as a thief, saying that at no point did Burrell authorise any of Brown’s actions.

What is clear from all this is that the Monarchy, has a lot of explaining to do.

Though I don’t believe we should abolish them, I certainly have a lot less respect for the Royals now.

Classifieds & crossword • 10

December 9 2002

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December 9 2002

Comment ● 11

passing

COMMENT

ALL THE LIES, ALL THE PIES/YOU GOTTA GO OW/HORSE PORN/LET A THOUSAND SCHOOLS OF THOUGHT CONTEND/BLAST FIRST ENGLAND/CHOIR NEWS/MY TWO FRONT TEETH By DC Gates

W

RITING AND producing the last issue of the year is always an unusual experience, especially as we’ve gone fortnightly. It still feels like the beginning of term, yet the whole paper is pressurised into compiling end-of-year charts, Christmas pieces and big-time bonanzas - generally speaking, the kind of articles that every other newspaper only has to do in the last couple of weeks in December. Personally, I haven’t felt at all Christmassy since I was fourteen (if that), so acting jolly and being full of good cheer is like giving a man with a broken arm a Chinese burn.

But enough of this self-pitying dudgeon!

Let’s get on with Passing Comment’s Christmas Fayre!

Yes, it’s Xmas, Xmas, Xmas here in gair rhydd. We’ve got clowns, balloons, cider, brass bands, and four whole turkeys. Of course, the turkeys aren’t cooked and are in fact walking around pecking things and saying ‘gobble gobble’. This office couldn’t be more Xmas if there were film screens blaring out The Great Escape and It’s A Wonderful Life. That’s right: Xmas, not Christmas. We don’t want any of that religious malarkey here, thank you very much, as last year saw a three-way conflict involving the Christians, the Pagans and the Satanists, which was only resolved by the healing powers of

dialectical materialism (and that both the former parties vanished in mysterious circumstances). So instead, we have dropped the veil of religious significance and are holding on to the popular conception of brash commercialism and sickly tinsel-flecked ersatz sentimentality.

And let’s face it, that’s all that Christmas is these days. Full stop. So, for once I’m not going to rant on about how much I hate Christmas (see previous Christmas issues of gair rhydd, readers) because I don’t see the point in bothering about it.

Now I’m going to stick my head in a bucket of water and retrieve some defiled communion wafers.

Brian Blessed writes: BOOM! It strikes me, dear readers, that this young chap is suffering from a distinct lack of heartiness! But never fear, for your chum Brian B. is here! Now, I’m not the sort of fellow who enjoys writing (carousing, wrestling, and conquering mountains are more my forte), but the tone of this page has continually disappointed me. It’s the same every week: crapulent melancholy, ranting, quasi-Marxist agitprop, apologies about the quality of the writing. And this is why I’ve taken time out from battling The League of International Supervillans – amongst them the Pope, Martin Amis, the Price Slasher and Norris McWhirter – to bid you, the readers of this noble paper, a fond Yuletide period. Now I must

take to the skies once again! BOOM! Mmm, yes. Brian Blessed. Again.

Must he haunt my every living moment?

O readers, you don’t know the sorry details of my piteous existence. As if the laudanum and the gin weren’t bad enough, respected actors parade themselves in the background. Still, at least it’s Blessed and not that damnable Ian McShane and the rest of his accursed Stanislavskian dogs. A sceptic writes: It strikes me that most of what gets written in this column is complete and utter bollocks. What’s more, gair rhydd already has an editorial and analysis section.

Doesn’t this render these somewhat tired flights of fancy entirely superfluous? The author replies: Yes, I suppose it does.

Farewell, happy fields, where joy forever dwells…John Milton (deceased) writes: Hey!Stop ripping me off, Gates!

Oh, sweet mercy! What will become of me? At this halfway point in the column my inspiration has completely collapsed. What’s more, I’m covered in bruises and I’ve just been made redundant. Dearie me, I’m a wretch. But enough about my problems: it’s almost Christmas! Just the thing to cheer oneself up, especially with all that compulsory jollity, mass consumption of alcohol and top-quality broadcasting. Almost as much fun as spending quality time in front of a

Dustbin of History Thomas Blenkinsop (1854-1913)

I

N MANY ways, the life of Thomas Blenkinsop would be fairly unremarkable to the casual observer, but an early event of his life has some topical significance. For little Tommy Blenkinsop was the little boy whom Santa Claus forgot, and this one occurrence would dominate his life.

Thomas St John Blenkinsop was born in Southwark, where his father was a watchmaker and his mother a pastry wrangler.

Every Christmas morning he would invariably find a tangerine and some new pennies in the small stocking he had left by his bed - a relatively new practice that had been popularised by Victoria and Albert (if anyone reading this says “what, the museum?” they are dead). On December 25th 1860, however, little Tommy awoke to find his stocking empty. But how could kindly old Father Christmas desert him? It later turned out that Tommy’s father, ‘Bold Jack’ Blenkinsop had paid a longer than usual visit to the inns of the city and had staggered home in a state of excessive merriment. However, the young Blenkinsop was a jolly young scamp and did not cry, instead turning his attentions to deducing the reason why his bounty had not arrived that year. By the time he was fourteen, and apprenticed to a doctor, he had deduced not only that his loss was due to his father’s crapulent error, but also which inns he had visited, which ales he had quaffed, and the younger half-brother from the elder Blenkinsop’s assignation with a seamstress that very evening. A

career in the newly formed intelligence services was seemingly inevitable, and after joining the Freemasons, little Tommy soon rose to become Detective Inspector T.S. Blenkinsop.

Most of the time, Blenkinsop was involved with relatively minor cases in Scotland Yard, and quickly gained a reputation for rigorous investigation. His handling of several society murders and his diligence in dealing with the press were to gain him the trust of the Crown and its agents, to the extent that his marriage to a horse was blessed in secret by the bishop of London - if only because the horse was female. Due to the incredibly tight security of the Scotland Yard archives, little is known of Blenkinsop’s involvement in the secret service, although we may presume that his role may have been confined to an administrative role.

However, rumours abound that he made files on such notorious cases as the Ripper murders, Spring Heeled Jack, Fu Manchu, and the mysterious Flying Nun In remarking to a friend later on in life, he attributed his success in life to his father’s carelessness: “the dashed thing is, Edward, that without my drunkard father’s bumbling, I wouldn’t be furnished with roast beef, gin, laudanum and whores” (taken from his biography, A Health Unto Her Majesty, 1912). An American journalist, reviewing the book, passed it to a friend in Tin Pan Alley, who stored it away for future reference. How strange that such an impressive figure of the finde-siecle era should have paled into insignificance. next to the song that he inspired.

computer with all the drive and speed of a geriatric dosed up on Mogadon and weak milky tea. If the machines on which these pages are written are the height of technology, then I am a Dutchman.

Ah, Christmas, that happy season.

Come with me now, readers, as we journey to the past in an orgy of neoProustian remembrance. Imagine the scene: the innocent joy lighting up the faces of little Janet and Johnny as they unwrap their presents, Mother and Father laughing in relief, and Nan sipping her ‘medicinal’ stout in the cosy fireside armchair. The smell of the soon-to-beeaten dinner, a warm and comforting aroma, wafts easily through the house.

All is right for once. But who is that looking through the window? Alas alack, it’s that poor Northern lad from down the road. His Christmas is merely another day in the spiralling vortex of cheap booze and heavy debts that represents his life. He’s on his way to return bottles, so that the deposit may earn him enough cash for some laudanum - the nearest he has to a Christmas treat. Still, he does have the day off to enjoy his reveries, as the meat-cannery doesn’t open today. For a brief moment, his eye catches that of Father, and each has a window into a new and alien life. Then, as he tramps on, Father feels moved to act. He calls for the servants, and orders them to beat the

living daylights out of that impertinent young swine... and to think that had I not received that thrashing I might not be where I am today. So I must thank that ridiculously wealthy and violent man, wherever he is now.

Of course, when you return to academia in the new year, most of you will very pressing deadlines and/or exams. At this point you might want to have a mental picture of me, clutching a large glass of gin and tonic, pointing at you and laughing. I would consider it hypocritical to suspend my habit of laughing at the misfortune of others just because it’s nearly Christmas. What the living hell is the point of a ‘Season of Goodwill’? That somehow one is morally absolved for all the wickedness of the past year if such behaviour is toned down because of an end-of-year piss up? The same can be said of New Year’s resolutions - why wait to make a conscious decision to change your life?

Bah! I suppose that nothing more remains for me to do but to issue a few small words of advice... No, actually, why should I? I’m not some kind of wise old father figure, just some unimaginative whinger with his own column. To issue advice would be very patronising. In short, then, a Merry Christmas.

Community Voices FOR ONCE, I let the child in me speak up. He wanted ice cream and toys, so I dosed him up with Tixylix and he soon fell asleep. This having proved hopeless, I decided to throw open the floodgates of opinion to you, my dear, dear friends, in the form of a popular question. With this in mind, I asked seven people: how do YOU like to spend Christmas?

“Well, you know, in the usual way...nice dinner; turkey, stuffing, all the trimmings, pudding, mince pies. Then I’ll watch telly for a bit, always the Queen’s speech and the blockbusters. I often like to take a walk, greet the neighbours and such. Then I go back home to be wanked off by my robot manservant.” - John Phelps, second year Astrophysics “Christmas? What’s ‘Christmas’? I’ve been living under this rock for some time, don’t y’know.” - A strange, bearded, possibly Cornish man, who indeed was living under a rock “ I like to spend Christmas out of it. I mean, really out of it. You know, like when you’ve been drinking quite solidly for over two weeks so you don’t get the DTs, and you’ve snorted over a pound of coke? Yeah? Like that, but really massive, like, non-stop.” - Unknown, possibly a student, I dunno. I couldn’t be bothered to ask the tedious swine his name “Traditional. A tin of corned beef, a few cans, some baccy, bit of fruit to keep me regular, loaf, bottle of milk. Oh, sorry! I thought you said ‘shopping list’.” - Norman Smith, in his fifties to look at him, presumably a local resident “BOOM! I shall be celebrating from atop Everest. Why? Because I am a modern day Nietchzean superman? No! Because I’ll be feasting royally on swans! I shall extend my hearty greetings to kith and kin with the aid of the world’s longest yoghurt pots and string.” - Strange bearded behemoth, who’d flicked his eyebrows up with a toothbrush.

“Christmas is an ideal opportunity to peddle our born-again Christian vaudeville. So’ll we’ll be appearing at the New Theatre. Unless you’re the taxman; in which case we won’t be working at all. Rock on, Tommy!” - Tax dodging chuckle brothers, Cannon and Ball. Cornered whilst wearing tracksuits and smoking Lamberts, outside The Sherman last week.

AN APOLOGY In the previous issue of gair rhydd (issue 731), it was stated that the town of Sawley was situated in West Lancashire. It is, of course, in East Lancashire. I apologise to any readers in Sawley, or who have come from there.

Big Win Circus• 12

December 9 2002

BIG WIN CIRCUS ++COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING++

The Winners Circle The winners of the Topman vouchers are messers Tim Acheson Alvin Lai who each win £50 worth of vouchers to spend on the ironically pre-faded floral shirts of their choice.

The winners of the Miss Selfridge vouchers are Sandra Hughes Lindsay Sharpe who likewise win £50 worth of vouchers.

Come on up to the fourth floor gair rhydd officeto collect your prizes.

gairrhydd Drop your answers and pigeons into the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff, CF10 3QN Or ‘electron-mail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps @ hotmail.com

They call me MISTER Scruff

D

J Mr. Scruff was born Ian Rotherham Scruff, in the snuff-snorting tart roller of days of yore had never Solihull in 1947. A quiet child, he had few existed. Nu-Scruff’s latest album is set to take him friends and spent much of his time in his higher than ever before. bedroom, recording childish radio shows on his reelThe Circus has, as ever, a load of stuff to give to-reel. This early fascination with the world of away, in this instance to commemorate the launch of sound and of joyless loneliness, would find outlet in his latest single. his time as a mod in 1960s Birmingham; funding his One of the highlights of the album,Trouser Jazz is a hunger for music and novelty headlamps by driving fantastic single, looking set to burn its way onto your lorries for a local haulage firm. In the early 70s, CD player and leave it's mark forever. This second Scruff began to play working men’s clubs and release taken from Mr Scruff's critically acclaimed long brothels. Familiar by now were his houndog eyes player Sweetsmoke, kicks off with Scruff's own and shoulder-length hair, as he entertained crowds version of filtered disco-funk, that'll warm the grim of butch labourer and tarts with his guitar and ready depths of your heart and your cockles. Horn riffs, wit. His first hit, Funky Moped, took him to the top of synth stabs and a killer break make this track an the hit parade: it finally looked as though Mr Scruffauthentic throwback to the future, Scruff style. , as he was by then known- would become a The result of 4 days together in the cellar of Mr household name. But it was not to be. Scruff’s taste Scruff's house is the long awaited B-side, Mr Scruff for lewd women and snuff tipped him from vs. Quantic, It’s Dancing Time. A Ghanaian the top, and by the mid 80s he was funk workout gradually slips into cheeky reduced to a shameful ten-year run in uptempo house, to create a joyous party jam BBC comedy, The Detectives. with a wicked break, too-damn funky bass, Cut to the present day, and DJ Scruff is and gorgeous, oh-so-funky-guitar. making a comeback. He has a new image, To get your claws on a Mr Scruff DVD, 12What is the name of Mr Scruff’s new album? a new style and even a new face, body inch vinyl single, t-shirt, jigsaw and mug, and personality. Pundits say that it is as if answer the question a gauche.

Win Mr Scruff stuff

East end boys CIA detain Manics T

op East London popsters The Libertines release their new album Up the Bracket this month, helped in no small way by the Big Win Circus.

They have already graced the cover of NME and now grace these fair pages because we have a singularly tunesome copy of the album to give away. Is their no end to their rise to fame?

First produced by Can anyone superstars Mick Jones else see and Bernard Butler, then that tiny run as a competition w o m a n h i d i n g here... let’s hope it behind his doesn’t all go to their crotch?

I heads. w o n d e r The album includes what she’s tracks Vertigo, Time For so pissed Heroes, Radio America off about. and the new single, Up The Bracket. To win a copy, reach out and touch me or alternatively send me the answer to this question.

T

he Manic Street Preachers will celebrate 13 years as one of the UK’s most vital bands, when they tour the UK and Ireland this month.

The Greatest Hits Tour will Senor Fidel ‘el Burro’ Castro recently see the Manic Street enjoyed a Manics concert in which Preachers playing a set Communist country? largely drawn from the band’s 27 Top 40 hits. Last year the Manics headlined Reading and Leeds and these new shows see the band setting out on their biggest arena tour since the Everything Must Go/This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours albums. Ian Brown will join the band as a ‘very special guest’ on the tour.

We have two pairs of tickets to see the funsters at Cardiff’s own CIA on 16th December. Tickets for the gig are flying out the door, and for the 15th have already sold out, so this may be your last chance to secure seats! To win, do what is required of you.

Win Manics tickets

Win The Libertines’ Up The Bracket album What is that woman in the photo so pissed off about?

++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE MUSIC-ORIENTED TAT. ++

December 9 2002

Letters• 13

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight wins a block of lard, complete with smearing utensials.

Dear gair rhydd,

Lettersdesk says: No doubt the feature on Hindley has prompted many people to consider their opinions on capital punishment and the British judiciary system. I’m not going near it with a barge pole, but do send your thoughts to us.

P lea

Dear gair rhydd, Just a quick question for all 2nd year students who lived in Talybont last year. Did you get your key deposit back? Bet you didn't! I have phoned Southgate House four times since they promised to pay it back into my bank account when I handed my key back in on the last day. Each time they have said, "It will be paid into your account next week". I know some of you may think it's only £10 but if you multiply it by the number of residents last year (approx. 2500) it is a lot of money.

And this is only Talybont. What about the other halls, did they pay a key deposit? Did they get it back? I suggest you check your account and phone Southgate House if you haven't had it.

2nd Year Business Administration Lettersdesk says: Are you suggesting that it wasn’t worth forking out an extra fiver for the opportunity to eavesdrop on your flatmate having a threesome and all that extra free food (albeit rotting in various concrete crevices)? Ungrateful whelp.

What Acid Can Do

erecting a glorified marquee in Greenwich? Well thanks for nothing, Tony blinking Blair! If they had taken the time to ask us, they’d have found out what we all really wanted: just to share out the money so we can all pay for our own special ‘millennium tea’. I’d have some nice ham from the deli. And maybe some posh yoghurts for afters.

Andrew WK is always telling us on the wireless that it’s time to ‘party hard’. Well I say steady on there Andy! Some of us still have plenty of work to do before the end of term. I for one will probably save myself at least for another couple of weeks. The last thing I’d want is to go home for christmas already ‘partied out’. No offence to Mr. WK, who I admire greatly, but if he eased up on the partying he might get some other things done: like washing his hair, or coming up with a new tune for a song so he doesn’t have to keep fitting new lyrics to the same one. He also might have less nosebleeds.

Apparently, the ‘big-wigs’ at the sweetie factory have decided to change the name of ‘Opal Fruits’ to ‘Starsailor’. What the hell have fruity little sweets got to do with the stars?

Or sailors? I think this is yet another case of PC hippy bullshit gone mad.

They’re called fruits because they taste fruity. That’s the only reason. I’ve never heard anyone complain about ‘Jewwits’.

Yours,

Dear gair rhydd, I’ve heard a lot in the media recently about these so-called ‘crop-circles’.

Well I say crap circles more like! I really don’t care whether they were made by Men From Mars, the Ruskies or just nerds. What I do care about is all the crops they’re wrecking. In an age where seven-eighths of the world’s population is starving to death of hunger-related illnesses, I think it’s irresponsible verging on silly that someone thinks this is ‘a lark’.

So the ‘government’ is going to waste millions of the taxpayers money

Yours sincerely, Davy K

In the features section on the 25th November Abbi Shaw wrote that Myra Hindley posed for her 'one of the only concrete cases for reinstating the death penalty'. I would have to disagree with her. No case is bad enough, no crime great enough to justify the death penalty. Capital punishment fuels a disgust in me that nothing else can come close to. Once you kill one person through the state a gateway is opened and many more are punished in such a way.

Innocent people begin to die. The death penalty allows a nation to kill a human being because that person has killed. So what next? Do you kill the executioner who has killed a murderer? There is no logic in allowing this kind of killing. For many years people have used the existence of serial killers as proof against the above argument but surely we, through this type of punishment create state executioners as serial killers. A nation that allows the death penalty sanctions the existence of cold-blooded administrative murder.

Myra Hindley's life was taken away from her in a way that can be justified. We should not seek her blood, we should not have sought her death as she sought the death of her victims. She did forfeit her rights as a human being and the state imprisoned her and gave her time, space and allowed her stories to spread. This country did good by its people because it did not in any way mimic her actions. It did not sentence her to death.

Key

Hagen’s exhibition was very interesting. I support what he does (Lettersdesk-For those of you who don’t know he chops up human corpses, ‘plastifies’ them and sets them up in interesting poses. Science meets art etc.), we need innovators like him to push the boundaries of what we accept as ‘acceptable’ these days, otherwise we can’t progress and there will never be anything new!

Ian Peake 3rd year Ecology Lettersdesk says: I’m not too sure how politically correct this letter is, but hey, freedom of speech etc. And I can’t imagine that anyone takes him seriously anyway.

Art is Dead Dear gair rhydd, I thought that the feature written about the ‘Mad Professor’ Gunther Von

Tu i t i o n P l e a Dear gair rhydd, In your last edition (730) you carried an article about top-up fees and the attempts made by NUS Wales officers to get National Assembly Members to sign up to a letter opposing any idea of a fee increase of this kind. NUS Wales seem to have had only mixed success in getting support for its campaign. Well, strong support for its cause IS out there. Jon Owen Jones, Labour MP for Cardiff Central has already twice condemned any talk of bringing in top-up fees. I share this view and, like Jon, will be lobbying against any talk of imposing a top-up fee. While I know only too well the financial problems universities face, top-up fees are not the answer. This is issue is one where the Assembly along with the Council and Senate of the University must come out in support of the campaign

by NUS Wales.

Yours, Geoff Mungham Director, MA International Journalism Programme, Labour Party Assembly Spokesperson for Cardiff Central

Creamed Dear gair rhydd, I’d like to thank everyone for their comments re. homophobia in halls and the resignation of James Knight. It is important that people have a chance to express their opinions on this subject.

However, I would like the opportunity to reply to some comments: Miss A Roche, I have never forced my sexuality upon anyone and I am in fact a lot less demonstrative in public about this than are most straight people. Not to mention the number of times I have had straight men push their sexuality onto me. Furthermore it is natural for people to express their sexuality and there is no reason that this should not be done in public as long as it is kept within reasonable limits – and these limits are the same for anyone regardless of sexuality. You cannot understand the problems LGB people face – the Welsh experience no more prejudice than the English whilst in Wales, there are a lot of people who would be refused entry to Miss World and half the population is female. Yes, women do still suffer oppression, but the reason this is now so limited is because people fought to prevent it.

Just like we are now trying to limit the amount of homophobia in Cardiff University. LGB people are sacked from their jobs, tortured, denied access to their partners property after their death, prevented from adopting

children (as a couple), attacked, abused, forced to leave university, ostracised from their families...the list goes on.

Your attitude is, in fact, a fine example of the sort of attitude we are trying to change. Child of God, it is not a sin to be L, G or B. It makes me sad that people such as yourself deny themselves a natural pleasure because of something written in a different time, place and social context. Sooner or later the church will change its stance on this issue, but by then you will have denied yourself years of happiness. Anon who works in the taf, we don't have our own officer, we have representation within the union. We don't have a larger budget than anyone else. We actually have less money because we don't charge membership. Before you feel the need to make comments in a public format please think about what you are saying and get your facts right. And why can’t we have our own night within the union? This was organised by the LGB Officer, the society is getting no preferential treatment. In fact the point I was making is that this event has not even had equal treatment. So, finally, I hope to see you all at CREAM! on the 12th Dec. At last! A student LGB night!

Everyone without prejudice is welcome! £1.50 entrance, 50p of which goes to a local HIV/AID's charity.

Love, Emma, LGB Society President.

Dear gair rhydd, Firstly, for all who believe flyering on beds was wrong, I would like to ask them some questions. Have you ever been discriminated against?

Victimised? Abused (verbally and/or physically)? Forced to feel alone?

Isolated from society? If you have then you will know that flyers allow those who can answer yes to any of the questions, to know that people are out there to help, support and befriend them. Secondly, flyering isn't an attempt to 'convert' people! Now what I say next may shock some readers, so brace yourselves. LGB people do not try to convert people! It would seem that those doing the converting are trying to show LGB people the "error of their ways". So before you criticise our actions, examine ALL the facts.

Thirdly, Miss Roche you are a woman, you’re Welsh and you live in Wales, you’re not the 'sharpest knife' like most people in the country and you’re not Miss World like most the people in the world. Why are you complaining? Do you have legislation such as section 28 discriminating against you? You can marry, have legal recognition for your relationships, be entitled to pension rights, marital tax perks and inheritance rights! You can be a full citizen in this country. LGB people cannot! We are the sufferers of the sexual equivalent to apartheid. If all your rights were taken away would you not fight to get them back? I think you would, so why deny us that same right? Finally Child Of God said that LGB people should listen to the C hristian faith. Well I would like to introduce him/her to the LGB people I know who are Christians. And I would also like to point out that I have had people come up to me in the streets handing out flyers telling me to embrace God, I have even sat on the train and listened to some guy talk to me about Christianity for an hour and a half. I have listened to these views and

I disagree with them. But I don't discriminate against people who do believe. I wouldn't bring myself down to that level!

Lee Gregory 1st Yr LGB member Lettersdesk says: Well, that's the semester folks, thanks to one and all for all the letters, all the good times. Be sure to write in and tell us how the turkey went down (probably quite painfully, have you seen those beaks?)

80s Fright Dear gair rhydd, Imagine my disappointment upon finding out that ‘Cardiff Union Ents.’ are not our very own walking, talking, wisdom sprouting tree things such as those in Lord of the Rings but the entertainments booking part of the Union (of which there certainly is no similarity). Imagine my disappointment again when I noticed that in a bid to, I suppose, reinvigorate Union nights, again they've altered the blessed highlight of the week that is 80s Nite.

Tribute bands, school discos, Jason fucking Donovan?!? Is there really a need? Apart from the cost of hiring these acts (which let's face it is probably about £2.50 for Mr Donovan) I see little reason to keep messing with 80s Nite.

It has always had a good turn out of a fairly regular clientel, most who I'm sure are feeling pretty annoyed that their fave night is continually messed up. The fact that regulars went there and that, although it was busy, it was not too busy – these were reasons why we all went there. Oh, and to enjoy 80s music - which is NOT the same as cheese, that's all the other paraphernalia (ie crap) that the Ents. dept. are now trying to bring to it and again is not necessary. My housemates and myself barely missed one 80s nite last year (don't snigger, we don't care what you think) even when it went once a week. This year we've barely been to one. No doubt this is a trend among a lot of the old regular attendees.

To the Ents. department – as the old adage goes: there's no need to change what ain't broken. So why the changes? Can't we have 80s night please back to the way it was. No one wants to see some pathetic drugged-up has-been attempting to sing a dirge of old songs for a meal, we want our quality 80s night back!!! Make sure it happens by next semester!!!

Yours, An irate pair of Tiffany's knickers.

Queue Grump Dear gair rhydd, The revolution is here. Those millions who believe that centuries of processing humans into consumer robots with the corporate carrot of the illusion of choice and freedom are in revolt. It is a quiet, subversive revolution fought without gun nor terror. The tactic is simple but devastating: not moving forward in fucking queues! The queue moves forward. The following queuees (?) do likewise. Until.... Che Guevara in the middle decides that he is going create a new 'Front' by standing stock still.

He is in charge of the queue now. The space ahead is his and his alone. He has literally 'made his stand'. Victory is his. Wanker.

Ponyupthedough

Please send your letters in to us at gair rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM. And, starting from this week, you can text us too! So contact us with your short, sharp comments on 07791 165837. gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

02

Get TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP

It’s here! The Get There Christmas special. The moment where your ever-earnest listings editor attempts to convince you that there’s enough going on in Cardiff to warrant staying here longer than you need to. Turn up the heating, light the candles (FBU action permitting) and snuggle up to enjoy your break. Merry Christmas everyone!(Buy Elvis albums for fathers everywhere)

Celebrate the break Festive Fantasia throughout Cardiff 3. Annual Xmas Ball Spectacular

Crimbo Craziness

Spin‘EmEddy presents Sonique, Goldie and others Thursday 12th December Well, an annual ball in the sense that Christmas only comes round once a year.

Following on from the Freshers Ball and almost certainly preceding Eddy’s Spring Ball, the usual array of stars from the world of dance music descend upon our Union.

It’s something of a point of interest that the organisers have brought Goldie in, especially after his - I’m doing it for the kids, me - performance in Celebrity Big Brother. Sonique is billed as an exclusive, but I hope I’m not the only one who had forgotten she even existed.

The Cheezy Writz Awards Monday 16th December Cardiff Barfly, 9pm, 99p

I

t may seem a bit late in the year for an awards ceremony, but this, one might say, is an event with a difference. A satirical take on the recent Welsh Music Awards, you now have the chance to voice your views on the Welsh Music scene What views are the organisers intersted in?

Well, the obvious! Best beard in a Welsh Band!

(This is the best category.

Shame it doesn’t extend to

Mancunians - beard-loving ed.) The Manics Dad Rock before their time award!

You should all vote by visiting the web site and registering your opinions.

The event is being compered by the mighty Toe and probably offers the best chance to spot a local celeberity since last Wednesday night at the Welsh club.

No doubt they’ll be drinks galore, christmas

Elsewhere Cally and Juice and MC Red Eye do the things that they have regularly been doing in Cardiff’s clubs. Thankfully, Judge Jules is not coming this time round.

Strictly not a black tie event - cool funky club wear is the norm, I’m told.

Look out for the dancers, stilt walkers and jugglers; ask questions if you don’t bump into any. Really though, you should be making your own fun.

Bring your friends; even though it seems to sell out every year, a welcoming arm is still extended to everyone.

Tickets £12 Tel 02920 781458

4. Intricately wrapped package

lights and maybe some of the award winners will arrive to collect and parade their awards around the venue. This should cap off a great year for Barfly, who, lest we forget, have brought so many fabulous bands to our attention over the last few months. If you’re still around why not count up your pennies and come along.

The Faint + Radio 4 + Schneider TM @ Barfly, Thursday 12th December Another of these package tour affairs, and this time a really rather good night of entertainment.

Radio 4 are noisy punk types who have been attracting the attention of media types recently. Something tells me that Alan McGee has fallen for them too, and that they may yet revive the flagging enterprise that is Poptones record label.

The Faint, meanwhile, are

www.cheezywritz.co.uk

famed for on stage histrionics and are one of the few bands I’ve seen compared to Depeche Mode in recent times.

Schnedier TM is a German guy with a computer who is perhaps the most interesting out of all of them. Watch out for his vocoder driven cover ofThere Is A Light That Never Goes Out. Tickets £7 www.barflyclub.com

2. More avant hip-hop, you know you want it!

5. Tourists tell all

Ex-Tractor Promotions presents: Dälek + guests Monday 16th December

The Travels @ Chapter Arts Centre, Fri 13th - Sat 14th, 8pm

After last months’ Anticon records spectacular, Ex-Tractor are back with another splendid line up to complete a fabulous year of events. This week, it’s the turn of Dälek, dark and heavy hiphop from New Jersey to complement a wintry December night. Another sonic brew is promised from the depths of this quartet’s collective conscious. Metal riffs combine with the otherworldly sounds of Aphex Twin and Hawkwind (ask old men with long hair!) to produce a sound rarely heard this side of Gabalfa. Naturally it’s all rather political; if you live in America, do you have any other choice

right now? Comments abound about the slide towards moral delirium.

So, progressive voices blend with progressive sounds, why doesn’t this happen more often.

Seize this moment, tell your friends, buy them copies of Wire magazine for their Christmas stockings, get your gran a T-shirt - there’s so many reasons to make the effort to come along tonight. Santa hats are not recommended attire, however.

Tickets £6 www.extractorpromotions.co.uk

Staff list

GRiP editors: Robin Jackson & Nick McDonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) Get there: Neil Krajewski (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) Arts: LaDonna Hall & a Ninja (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C. Gates (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Blain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth, Nick McDonald (gairrhyddtvdesk@hotmail.com) Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)

It’s experimental theatre time again. No talk of the plague this week, just the confessions of a group of people who have travelled to, or at least pretend to, have been to far off places.

It’s all been put together by Forced Entertainment and is billed as a collage of stories using everything from cassette tape to phone calls to image.

It doesn’t sound quite as disturbing as these things

sometimes end up being.

There’s no mention of dark undertones, but there is the promise of grafitti and a seaside hotel. What better way to look beyond the Christmas that awaits you!

On Friday there’s even a chance to meet the theatre company themselves. Fabulous.

Tickets £5 www.chapter.org

In this issue of GRiP...

05:Games/ Web

Take dancing lessons and discover the Lord Of The Rings (fnarr)

06: Film

Consider the possible Christmas turkeys of the film world

08: Arts

Enjoy the most festive of treats; the christmas panto

10: Music

Give us a run-down on the highs and lows of the last year in music

18: Books

Flirt with a teenage dominatrix and some other, more local, talent

21: TV

A scrounge through the best and the worst TV

03

GRiP

Mondays

Big D and Kids Table + The Foamers +Howards Alias @ Barfly 3pm, £4 Festive comedy one suspects. I know all about my flaws, I confess I have made mistakes every week since September, but surely there’s no way that this can be an emo night! Something tells me it’ll ska. and for that reason I’ll be locked away elsewhere.

Mclusky + Jarcrew @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £6 One of Cardiff’s best live acts return after a spectacular year.

Now admired across the UK for their own brand of art-punk, go and discover how their struggle for acclaim culminated in a Sunday gig at Clwb. Remember like your pet dog, Mclusky are not just for xmas 2002. The prospect of new material - i.e. lots more yelling and screaming amid frenzied guitars offers an added incentive.

Manic Street Preachers + Ian Brown @ Cardiff International Arena 6pm (!), £19.50 A tirade about this spectacle could take over the page, but, at this time of year, that just wouldn’t be charitable. Look on and laugh as the self-proclaimed ‘most important band of the last decade’ fail to sell out two nights in their home town.

Stare with bewilderment as you see ultimate loser Ian Brown mount the stage in support. By the way, the doors open so early to make space for the Sean Moore strip tease routine: James and Nicky clap in time from the wings as Sean gives it his all - business as usual then.

Don’t miss it. (Um..incredibly harshManics fan Ed. But the world would be a boring place if we all agreed. I suppose...)

Sunday 15/12

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution.

Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend,’ it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, makes Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue.

Tuesdays Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Weekly night of much hilarity and wine.

Wednesdays

account of only being at nursery school, but no matter. It’s never too late to learn about the greatest decade that music has yet to offer.

Spandau Ballet! Duran Duran!

Tiffany!

Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00.

If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all the greatest hits from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle. Also the new addition of the 80s Nite sounds in the backroom. This years freshers intake might have missed most of the eighties on

Thursdays

Live Music

see Venus Hum, why not go and find out why.

Blondie + INXS @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £28.50 What form of absurdity produces a tour like this? INXS playing arenas without Michael Hutchence. Has anyone forgotten what that man meant to so many people. Sure, Blondie have some songs (not as many as Madness!), but they’re surely very tired after all these years of hacking away at it.

Monday 09/12 Oasis @ Cardiff International Arena 6.30pm, £28.50 adv So here they are. As Robbie announces his own shows at Knebsworth, Oasis get to play an area tour. I still think they deserve our respect for bothering with tours like this. It’s long since sold out, but admire from a distance; the distance that separates the CIA from UGC perhaps.

Tuesday 10/12 Soledad Brothers + National Park + Loco @ Cardiff Barfly 7.30pm, £5 There’s only two of them so I’m banking on them being alt-country types with swoonsome melodies to make you smile. No responsibility accepted if I’m wrong though.

Mew + Venus Hum + Mark Rueberry Band @ Cardiff Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Possibly Mew of Elastica fame/infamy depending on your opinion. If it is her, McLusky may turn up, wish them a happy christmas - they’ll be delighted to know that Amazon has proclaimed them one of the bands of 2002!

Some people going will be there to

Fridays Drink the Bar Dry @ Solus from 12pm, The usual end of year

Thursday 12/12 Radio 4 + The Faint + Schneider TM @ Cardiff Barfly 7.30pm, £7 See left.

Westgate Street + Brokeaway @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £3 Smug acoustic types do their cute folky twee pop thing. The local variation on what I’m sure you’ve all heard a thousand time before.

Almost certain to be full of WCMD students, beware!

SpinEm Eddy Christmas Ball @ Students Union 9pm, £12 See left.

Friday 13/12 The Vanities + Kilo C+ Trailblazer @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Excellent ensemble of acts that form an alternative to Drink The Bar Dry.

Saturdays

Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3 One of the UK’s top student night arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2. As well as many other boozy promotions.

Sundays .

Taf Quiz Usual format. Even the BBC’s autumn TV schedule doesn’t beat this!

Daniel O’Donnell @ Cardiff International Arena 8pm, £17-20 So, why so cheap? Daniel’s surely a superstar in the eyes of pensioners hoarding their savings under the bed. The perfect way to dispose of a CIA gift voucher if such a reprehensible artifact exists.

DJ Marky @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 Sounds as though it should be samba or perhaps Money Mark has returned with a new abbreviated name. Advance tickets available should you need them.

Saturday 14/12

Botnaphobia + Cacophony Sonnet @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm , £3 Jazzy electronic post rock types aiming for Mountain Men Anonymous style ubiquity.

Probably. A famous GR contributor remembers me talking about the headliners even though I’ve never heard them or met them. Not that this makes any difference to anything.

Jesse James @ Newport TJs 7.30pm, £6 More ska. Why? Why? Why? Why? Tetra Splendour + Pocket Venus + The Circle @ Barfly 7pm, £5 Another Welsh act celebrating the end of a good chair. Sparkly psychedelic pop music that is surprisingly appealing. Not seen them play live for a good while, so

Monday 16/12

Dalek + guests @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £6 Another awesome night. See left Manic Street Preachers + Ian Brown @ Cardiff International Arena 6pm, £19.50 See above

Tuesday 17/12

Madness @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £23 Even after Suggs covered ‘Cecilia’, even when they put together a musical; despite selling themselves to breakfast TV to perform Our House yet again, I still have a soft spot for Madness. That they are still one of the most instantly recognisable acts that will never make critics’ polls deserves respect. Whilst they’re hardly The Smiths, they do ensure that the 80s retains a certain degree of credibility.

Here and Now @ Cardiff International Arena 7pm, £28.50 An xmas party on tour, what an inspired idea. From memory, Nick Heyward, ABC and Curiosity killed the Cat are involved. Check with the CIA for details. Perfect for office parties.

Thursday 19/12 Smokehand + Westgate Street @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Edgy bluesy folk jazz bunch from FF Vinyl. Good and far more palatable than their support band.

Optimus Prime @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £4 Electronic types in free tinsel for all extravaganza. Wear a tiara if you have one.

Friday 20/12 Sack Trick + Motornation @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv DJ Vadim @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 Awesome hip-hop treats for anyone still around. Make this your last big night before you go and start buying those xmas gifts.

Saturday 21/12 Barker + The Toe + Shivorshi 7.30pm, £4 The last chance before xmas to experience Fever.

Five Knuckle, Exit-Wound, Tiny Elvis @ Newport TJs 7pm, £5 Against the system christmas party.

Do you really care about Christmas if you’re against the system?

Sunday 22/12 The Phil Campell Band, + Maelstrom + Set Against+ Then Came Bronson @ Newport TJs 7.30pm £4 The guy from Motorhead I’m informed; this page is researched thoroughly you know! Save 50p by getting advance tickets.

Douglas + Lucky 13 + Stapleton @ Barfly 3pm, £4 Coming back to what they know indeed. After achieving fame across the provinces of Belgium and Luxembourg, Douglas haved rushed back to see their friends and family and they’ve still managed to fit in a show at Barfly.

Coming Up An exciting set of events to come, as you sit back and look with dread at that exam timetable one more time.

Wednesday 12th February The Coral @ Great Hall, Students Union, £9.50

Films on release in Cardiff...

The Santa Clause 2 Starring: Tim Allen Well what do you expect? Its Christmas... Allen takes up the festive role once more and, no doubt, saves the day.

Seasonal, sentimental, and silly. God bless us everyone.

Orange County Starring: Colin Hanks, Jack Black Teen/road movie, think Road Trip with a more worthy cause.

In short, Hanks debuts well and Black is, as ever, bloody funny.

Good for a laugh.

8 Women Starring: Catherine Deneuve, Isabelle Huppert

Murder mystery farce featuring the best of French female talent. Gotta be worth a viewing. Expect stylish satire and an unadulterated pout-fest.

Die Another Day Starring: Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry

Self pastiche infested rollercoaster of a film that everyone should see simply because its Bond (its also pretty damn good!). expect fast cars and beautiful people.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Starring: Daniel Radcliffe The second installment is bigger, better and more scary.

Expect childish over-acting balanced out by great effects and a good storyline.

Get There

Wednesday 11/12

Special Events @ Solus Look out for special events and live PA’s from the likes of Jason Donovan. Prices and times will obviously be available before the night. So keep an eye open.

shenanigans. Meet random people, bump into people you’ve not met since your first year. Do I really need to sell this event to you? It’s YOUR union, remember

Wednesday 18/12

Cardiff’s listings in full

Union

hope for a fresh live appearance.

04

et TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’bass DJs are promised in ultra-student surroundings.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am. Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm.

Gay venue. Chart and Dance.

Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares ‘Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm ‘til midnight. Surprisingly good fun.

All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hip-hop/ pre-gangster rap/ battle breaks/ electro-funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money.

Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in!

Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of vodka.

Salsa Night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and dance. Who’d have thought it?

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm. I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska punk night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJs.

Wednesdays

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm.

Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place though. It’s a shame that there’re no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and funk in plush surroundings.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and old skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace.

Check it out.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay venue. Student night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott!

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

80s Night @ Barfly Barfly parades its late license and introduces a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. Maybe they’ll play Hefner’s The Witch Is Dead just to reinforce the mood, even though it’s not from the 80s. A Town Called Malice is more likely though, I suspect.

Student Night @ Royworld The same as most other student nights I suspect, but with a shorter walk home than Clwb. Free to get in too.

Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and drum’n’bass.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and dance.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS. Hooray! (Indie Ed)As if Britpop needed reviving with Space on the prowl.(Un-indie Ed) Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature.

Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4 R’n’B and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings.

Twisted By Design @ City Arms 8pm-2am. FREE. Similar to Saturdays, but a little more soul, funk and 80s into the bargain.

Fridays The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Ground floor) 10pm-3am. £3 A storming new night out, and wide range of sounds, from 60s garage to Freakbeat(?!) Decide for yourself what this means.

Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7 The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop.

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live bands and rock, alternative DJs. Cadence @ Bar Essential Free entry. Deep house, Afro Latin and nu jazz. Sounds awesome; support it.

Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and house out on the bay.

ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS Hard house night featuring regular guest DJs. Cool House @ Emporium £8

Excellent night that periodically returns to the city.

Saturdays Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not-very-funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. Six rooms, three-floor balcony, games room and garden terrace. Well worth a look!

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene.

More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike.

Funked Out @ Royworld If you don’t have a name for your night, I’ll invent one for you free of charge. So, there you have it funky breaks and hip-hop courtesy of Jimmy Love from Clwb. Free. Do I sound poor to anyone?

L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US garage night.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Sugar’n’Spice @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3.

Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, smart dress.

If the price, the dress code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house.

Cadence @ Bar Essential Free, see Friday.

Twisted By Design, Upstairs @ Dempseys 7pm-12pm. £2.50 NUS Happening alternate weeks, and featuring real alternative sounds from the 60s ‘ti now.lA good laugh for all those who think that Belle and Sebastian deserve knighting.

Sundays Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays, except with the added promise of guest DJs.

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps you’re the DJ spinning the decks, or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Furthermore, I know nothing about the distinction between deep, dark, hard and progressive house, but would be happy to learn. Educate me by emailing gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com.

Similarly if there’s an event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know and we’ll replace it with something equally exciting.

Sport In salute of the capital’s recent sporting achievements, gair rhydd introduces Sports Listings. Go on, the rules of Rugby are easy to pick up and no one will notice if you shift allegiance for three years.

Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk)

vs Bristol City Saturday 14th December Division 2 contest sees Cardiff complete their bid to be at the top before the Christmas festivities

Cardiff Rugby (www.cardiffrfc.com) Sunday 15th December vs Northampton Saints 1.30pm kick off Heineken Cup encounter.Cardiff attempt to salvage their season

Societies Don’t you lot say we never do anything for you! Look at the following awesome events that the dedicated societies are putting on for you all. Take a peak at the end of the list if your bods aren’t included, and it’ll tell you how to put this right.

Society Events Christian Union Carol Concert Monday 9 December The Christian Union Society and the Union are organising a Christmas Carol Concert in the Great Hall in the Students’ Union.

Regular Meetings Christian Union Meet every Friday at 7pm in Maths Building EO.15.

Debating Society Meet every Thursday in one of the Union Rooms.

Film Society Meets every Tuesday evening at 7.30 pm either in the Societies Lounge or in one of the fourth floor conference rooms. Weekly screening held at UGC, showing a selection of alternative, cult and classic films. Screenings are at 9.30pm. £2 admission for members, £3 for NUS. Funky Arse Disco Dancing Classes held every Wednesday in New Liberal Social Club on City Road, near Roath Park. Beginners’ class is 2-3pm, Intermediates 3-4pm and Advanced 4-5pm. Classes cost £1 each and membership is £5.

German Society Meets every Wednesday at 8pm in the Crwys Pub. Free membership, open to all.

Hindu Society Fortnightly Screenings of Bollywood Films at Birt Acres Theatre in Bute Building on Wednesdays at 6pm.

People and Planet Weekly meetings on Tuesdays at 8pm in the Union, either in the TV lounge or in one of the meeting rooms on the fourth floor.

Pagan Society Weekly meetings at Macky Pub at 8pm RAG Meet every Monday, 8pm in Buffers in Solus. Contact RAG@cf.ac.uk Sci FI Society Meet every Tuesday in the Pen and Wig at 7.30pm Yoga Society Membership just £10 a year. Simply come along to classes on Tuesdays, 12-1pm or 1-2pm in the Council Rooms, 4th floor of the Students’ Union.

New classes have just been announced. You can now go along on Thursday, 4.30-6pm, too. For further enquiries contact Jo at RobinsonJ4@cardiff.ac.uk.

Socials LGB Society Thursday 12 December: “Cream“ night in Seren Las. RAG Xmas meal on December 9.

Contact RAG@cf.ac.uk

Society Contacts As a very special festive gift to you all, the following are society email addresses, that will put you in touch with the relevant peeps. Some of them are fairly obvious, but a few provide a bit more of a challenge. Why not see if you can spot which are which.Ps. this game is purely for the boffs amongst you.

Acappella Music Society Acappelas@cf.ac.uk Act One (drama Society) ActOne@cf.ac.uk African Caribbean Society Africancaribbean@cf.ac.uk AIESE - Aiesec1@cf.ac.uk Alt and Shift ( Students against social injustice) AltandShift@cf.ac.uk Archaeology - Archaelogy@cf.ac.uk AssJacks - Assjacks@cf.ac.uk BangladeshStudents BangladeshStudents@cf.ac.uk Business Careers Businesscareers@cf.ac.uk Cathsoc- Catholics@cf.ac.uk Chinese Students and Scholars ChineseStudents@cf.ac.uk Christian UnionChristian_Union@cf.ac.uk Communication SocietyCommunication@cf.ac.uk Conservative Consfuture@cf.ac.uk Debating Cardiffdebate@cf.ac.uk Duke of Edinburgh DofEs@cf.ac.uk Earthsoc- Earthsoc@cf.ac.uk East African Society0EastAfricanSociety@cf.ac.uk English - EnglishSociety@cf.ac.uk French - FrenchSociety@cf.ac.uk Hellenic- Hellenics@cf.ac.uk Hindu - HSFC@cf.ac.uk Indie- Indie@cf.ac.uk Islamic- CUIS@cf.ac.uk Italian SocietyItalianSociety@cf.ac.uk Labour - Labourclub@cf.ac.uk Law - LawSociety@cf.ac.uk Liberal Democrats LiberalDems@cf.ac.uk Live Music - LiveMusic@cf.ac.uk Merry Meet (Pagan) MerryMeet@cf.ac.uk Navigators - Navigators@cf.ac.uk Nigerian Students Nigerian-Students@cf.ac.uk Oddsoc - Oddsoc@hotmail.com Photographic SocietyPhotographicSociety@cf.ac.uk Politics- PoliticsSociety@cf.ac.uk Psychology Psychology@cf.ac.uk RAG- RAG@cf.ac.uk Real Ale- RealAles@cf.ac.uk STAR (action for refugees) STAR@cf.ac.uk Xpress Radio - Xpress@cf,.ac.uk

Calling all societies! Want your event listed in these hallowed pages? Email us at gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com

with details of your event and we’ll put you in touch with the student masses. Don’t hang around before letting us know either. Often you’ll need to give us about two weeks notice to ensure that you feature in the paper, so get moving. (Although with the break, you have a little longer this time round.) Alternatively, if you want more information about a society or event, then please contact Laura Welsh, Societies and Union Secretary, on WelshL2@cf.ac.uk

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Car-nage all round!!

GRAND THEFT AUTO: VICE CITY [PS2] ROCKSTAR

I

t’s the 80s. You’re cruisin' through Vice City in your fiery red Banshee. Jacko’s on the stereo. You accidentally happen to run down a couple of pedestrians who stupidly crossed the road in front of you. A cop sees you and gives chase in his car. You decide to teach him some manners. You get out of the car, unsheathe your Katana, and slice his head clean off. As the body slumps to the ground, a fountain of blood spurting forth from his severed neck, you realise that cops don’t take too kindly to you beheading one of their brethren. Two more run up and try to take you down with handgun fire. So what can you

do, but break out the stubby shotgun and became a crazed, gun-toting bad-ass in a fetching Hawaiian shirt. Nothing really, the power of suggestion. Well actually the power of a Playstation 2 and a copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

It’s a strange and unnatural phenomenon, but even the most passive of people can be turned into a machete-wielding lunatic by the sight of an overconfident police officer attempting to beat you to death with his night-stick. And this is largely because of one thing – playability. Whether you want to run an ‘errand’ for Diaz, become a vigilante, wheelie down the middle of

the road on your scramblebike, or simply buy a gun and shoot people, the diversity and freedom within the game guarantees consumer satisfaction. In fact, the game’s so enjoyable, you can spend three hours playing it, without attempting any missions, and still want to continue. The

Two Towers and a fight.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS [PS2 STUDENT NETWORK, XBOX] ELECTRONIC ARTS

T

Dancing at the disco, bumper to...

DANCING STAGE PARTY EDITION [PSONE] KONAMI

U

nless you happen to be a bored housewife or ten-year-old Britney fan, you probably won’t have experienced Konami’s hugeselling Dancing Stage games; like, for instance, The Sims, they are aimed squarely at people who would normally have little interest in videogaming. Don’t worry, you’re not missing out on much.

Dancing Stage Party Edition slavishly follows the formula of its predecessors. You choose a song from the 51 available, and ‘dance’ along to it, using either a standard controller or a dance mat; by pressing the relevant button/s at the right time in response to on-screen cues. Your level of success at this contributes towards a points score displayed when the song finishes.

Additional points can be gained through combos of successful button-presses, and

This week’s charts Playstation 2 1: GTA: Vice City Will eat you alive 2: Smackdown 4 WWE fun for all 3: LOTR: Two Towers See above 4: Harry Potter Pinocchio acting 5: FIFA 2003 Good football sim 6: Pro Evolution 2 Best footie game 7: Red Faction 2 See above 8: Colin McRae 3 Rally driving fun 9: Ratchet and Clank Rare PS2 platformer.

10:Hitman 2: Silent Assassin Get paid to kill.

X-Box 1: Tony Hawks 4 Skateboarding 2: Harry Potter Again 3: Blinx Ideas by email please 4: Lord of the Rings Minas tirith 5: Halo Classic shooter 6: FIFA 2003 More footie 7: Transworld snowboarding Have a guess 8: Timesplitters 2 Even better than Halo.

9: Hitman 2. same as the PS2.

10:LMA manager 2003 Control the team

PC-CD ROM 1: Age of Mythology I dunno 2: Sims Unleashed on an innocent public 3: FIFA 2003 Its not that good 4: Sims Delux Add on central 5: LOTR: Fellowship Ach naz gimbeldur 6: Rollercoaster tycoon Don’t go on a yacht 7: WWE Raw Sod it, get Smackdown 8: Unreal tournament A challenger to Halo?

9: Total club manager Bandwagon?

10:Sims Holiday One way ticket I hope

Game Cube 1: Harry Potter I hate him 2: Star Wars: Clone Wars Money for Lucas 3: Die Hard Vendetta Vest time again 4: Tony Hawks 4 How old is he now?

5: Eternal Darkness Sounds cool but isn’t 6: FIFA 2003 Power of a brand 7: Mario sunshine It’s me, Mario 8: Super Smash Bros Plumbers 9: Godzilla Bite me 10: Wrestlemania X8 Nah... smackdown

free-style moves. High scores unlock new songs.

Certain aspects of the game are admirable. There is a wide range of songs to choose from, including everything from Kylie to The Cardigans. The difficulty level is finely judged, and the graphics, while hardly spectacular, are at least functional.

When played competitively against another player, using a dance mat, the Dancing Stage titles are undoubtedly entertaining, for a short while at least. It is easy to see why the series remains popular in arcades. However, the repetitive nature of the gameplay means single-player mode inevitably becomes something of a chore. Worse still, using a standard controller to play Party Edition effectively removes the ‘dancing’ element and, as a result, most of the fun.

In order to experience it properly, it’s necessary to purchase a dance mat, an expense that is hard to justify given that you will not play the game for more than 15 minutes at a time. Nick Gale

Coming soon..

Well that's your lot for this year we hope its given you some ideas for christmas prezzies.

Join us in the new year when the next wave of new releases reaches us. Until then, take care, and happy gaming.

If you have anything to say on the games and web front or want to have your say about a game you have played then drop us a line at gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com.

We are looking specifically for website reviews, so get in touch, surfers!

Thanks to GAME once again for their continued support in supplying the chart. We all like to keep abreast of the gaming charts, don’t we. .

Games/web

merging of film and game footage, and the movie voices provided by the actual actors from the film add an authentic feel to the experience.

However, it does suffer in some major areas. Firstly, the game has only twelve missions, and despite being given extras for completing it with all three characters, the game still feels much too short. Secondly, while most of the levels are engaging and interesting, towards the end, the game designers seem to run out of ideas. The most spectacular battle of the second film has been turned into a dull game of ‘push the ladders off the walls’. And your reward for completing the game is a two second cutscene. Whilst die-hard fans can forgive these problems for the general experience it provides, others probably won’t.

It’s a decent enough hack’n’slash, and the extra

weapons and vehicles to try out. You can now use chainsaws, meat-cleavers, hammers, screwdrivers, Uzi’s, shotguns, sniper-rifles and even golf clubs. You can ride motorbikes, drive golf-buggies, fly seaplanes (properly this time) and even pilot helicopters. You can now go in night clubs, fast-food joints, shopping malls and strip clubs.

Basically, you can do whatever you like.

It would be easy to go on about the brilliance of this game forever. It’s quite simply outstanding. You could lose a month of your life just getting lost in a world of blood, strippers and fast cars. In fact it’s a shame that whole studying thing gets in the way.

If you own a PS2, you must buy a copy of this immediately.

If you don’t own a PS2, buy one. Trust me, its worth it.

Paul Brown

reviews

here are traditionally three schools of thought on Lord Of The Rings.

There are those who fell in love with the mystical world of elves, orcs and glorious battles. People who got completely wrapped up in the conflict between good and evil, as dwarfs, elves and men unite against the dark lord, Sauron. There are those who liked the battle scenes and visuals, but weren’t really interested in the story-line.

And there were those who couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. Personally, I loved the film and book, and as a result I enjoyed this, the first of two movie-game conversions of it.

If you didn’t like, or were only a partial fan of the film, then this isn’t for you. Trust me, it will disappoint. Even those who did love the film should be wary. The game looks exceptional, with brilliant

moves you can purchase give it a little more depth than most others of the genre. The secret mission, secret character and upcoming footage of the new movie again provide a little extra entertainment. But ultimately it doesn’t last long enough and doesn’t have quite enough depth to make it a game worth its £45 price tag.

Be sure you love the film enough, before you add it your collection. Paul Brown

sheer volume of activities you can engage in, means it impossible to get bored.

So what’s the story?

Tommy Vercetti (the unnamed hero of the previous game) has been told to go down to Vice City to help in a drugs buy that his friend has set up.

Of course, in a world of organised crime, everyone is trying to screw everyone else over, so inevitably the deal goes bad, as the Colombians turn up with loaded shotguns to spoil your business deal.

With the help of your Woody Allen-esque lawyer, and a host of other colourful characters, you are charged to find and return the money, or your socalled friend is gonna stick you six feet under.

The game has improved even beyond the nearperfection of the last game, with smoother graphics, better sound, and a host of new

06

ilm reviews

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In association with

gairrhydd student screening fantastic films magnificent movies perfect pictures

100 FREE TICKETS TO BE GIVEN AWAY gair rhydd has teamed up with UGC Cinemas Cardiff to bring our readers an opportunity to see excellent films before they go on general release, ABSOLUTELY FREE! On Wednesday 11th December, UGC Cinemas will be showing a special advance screening of Dirty Pretty Things starring Amelie’s Audrey Tautou and Chiwetel Ejiofor. To be part of this special screening all you have to do is come up to the gair rhydd office on the 4th floor of the Student’s Union Building and get a ticket for yourself for free. It’s that simple. gair rhydd has 50 pairs of tickets to give away, but come as soon as you can because this number will diminish swiftly.

D

irty Pretty Things has received rave reviews at Film Festivals in Venice, Toronto and San Sebastian and has been selected as the opening movie at the 2002 Regus Film Festival at the Odeon Leicester Square.

From Stephen Frears, the Oscarnominated director of The Grifters, Dangerous Liaisons and High Fidelity, Dirty Pretty Things is set in London’s secret underworld, where everything is for sale.

It’s the story of a young illegal alien, Okwe (Chiwetel

Ejiofor) and a young woman, Senay (Audrey Tautou), who work at the same hotel, a breeding ground for illegal activity.

They hardly know each

other until the day he makes a shocking discovery.

They can’t report it to their corrupt boss, they can’t go to the police, and they’ll be lucky if they get out alive.

Festival Fever I The Cardiff International Film Festival of Wales ran from the 21st to the 27th of November and showed a diverse range of films from around the world. Here are reviews of just two of them.

P

lots With A View falls in to the wacky, comedy genre of films like Billy Elliot and The Full Monty and retains it's down to earthness by setting the characters in the small Welsh village of Wrottin Powys, reminiscent of the town the Full Monty boys inhabited.

Yet it wields a fantastical edge which stops it from becoming too depressingly life-like.

The completely intangible plot centres around the antics of two competing funeral directors, illicit love affairs and bizarrely themed funeral ceremonies.

Admittedly it was a relief to see Jerry Springer make an appearance, forty minutes in and I was thirsty for a bit of American superficiality.

Although Plots with a View could successfully pass as the work of a well established

director it doesn't have the wit or eye-candy present in other Brit films such as Bridget Jones or Trainspotting.

However with a cast including Lee Evans, Brenda Blethyn and old J.Springer, Plots With A View shouldn't be cast aside as another example of an amateur director trying to make it big.

Claire Owen

✩✩✩

ntacto is a rich, complex thriller from Spanish director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo that shows extraordinary accomplishment for a first feature.

The dark, sometimes confusing plot explores the nature of luck, which – for the

purposes of the film – proves to be far from random.

Fresnadillo teases us, dripfeeding information about his mysterious cast (and their equally peculiar talents) in a series of uncomfortable, brooding scenes, that only rarely lose any sense of pace and tension.

Whilst the dialogue flits between Spanish and English throughout the movie, don’t let the subtitles put you off what is an intense, intelligent, and rewarding thriller. Jim Boyne

✩✩✩✩

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The Horror of War

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DEATHWATCH

RELEASED: DEC 4TH CERTIFICATE: 15 RUNNING TIME: 95 mins CAST Jamie Bell: Charlie Shakespeare Hugo Speer: Tate Matthew Rhys: Doc Andy Serkis: Quinn Lawrence Fox: Jennings

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Dir.: Michael J. Bassett Scr.: Michael J. Bassett After losing the majority of their comrades in the slaughter of battle, the surviving soldiers of Y company stumble across a nearby empty German trench. Soon it becomes clear something is not right; German bodies lay dead, killed by German weapons and even Y company begin to lose sight of who the real enemy is.

W

orld War One is perhaps a fitting backdrop to a horror movie; a continual surfeit of death and violence occurs in distant and foreign lands.

Deathwatch attempts to form a realistic image of this era,

recreating the sense of the useless waste of human life.

The cast is made up of young and earnest British actors, most noticeably Matthew Rhys (‘Doc’) and Jamie Bell (‘Shakespeare’) who in particular deliver engrossing, believable performances.

Bell is the youngest of the weary, fatigued and deflated Y company and his complete innocence and naivety make him our obvious protagonist.

The cast of characters, on reflection, make up the traditional role call of a war movie; the aristocratic, the useless Officer, the working class Sergeant with the heart of a hero, an embittered Scotsman, a blood thirsty Londoner and the religious soldier who eventually goes insane.

However, this slight stereotyping is only obvious on closer inspection as the acting given is genuine and convincing throughout.

Tension is built slowly in Deathwatch, the incessant onslaught of rain and rats chewing on dead bodies both

communicates the real horrors of WW1 and a feeling of a slow, uncomfortable insanity.

The horror sequences are well timed and elaborately grotesque as one by one, the soldiers give in to the madness of carnage and murder.

Unlike many of the recent wave of war movies, Deathwatch does not glorify

the subject of death and communicates the message that "there is no victory" in war.

The stereotyped characters make the movie about more than just individuals, but a whole generation of men that died needlessly.

Deathwatch succeeds in visually portraying the true horrors of war, just as Saving

Private Ryan does, but manages to avoid sentimentality.

The moral content of Deathwatch does not prevent it from fulfilling its truly horrific premise, however, and there are many gruesome stomachchurning moments.

Caroline Hogg

FINAL WORD Deathwatch is an intelligent and gripping film, delivering the necessary carnage to qualify for the horror genre but with an underlying message that war can achieve nothing. Jamie Bell manages to combine a look of youthful innocence with a now experienced acting talent. This film will make your skin crawl and your throat dry with anticipation.

✩✩✩✩

Christmas Turkeys?

The Two Towers development and a much wider scale of action, meaning that a second Oscar snub will surely be out of the question.

The Two Towers is released December 18th and rumours have it that the climatic Battle of Helm’s Deep will fill the last forty five minutes of the epic.

This is no longer petty skirmishes. This is war.

I

f you are already sick to death of hearing about The Two Towers don’t worry , because there are plenty of other films to keep you entertained over the Christmas break.

Rob Marshall’s screen version of the recently revived West End hit Chicago is released nationwide on January 3rd.

Starring Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta Jones and Richard Gere, any fan of Moulin Rouge must see this musical bonanza.

Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood’s latest, Blood Work, hits our screens on December 27th.

The ‘man with no name’ plays a detective recovering from a heart transplant whilst attempting to capture the

elusive Code Killer.

Word has it that Clint tried to rip his promotions boss a new ass-hole when Blood Work flopped in the states, so hopes for the movie rivalling

some of Clint’s classics are low, despite the film being scripted by Brian Helgeland.

For those wishing to indulge in some Christmas spirit, there is always Tim Allen’s The Santa Clause 2, which is out, rather aptly, now.

Neil Blain

Film

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his second chapter in the Lord of the Rings trilogy is easily the most anticipated film of the year, which, in the twelve months that saw sequels to Star Wars, Bond and Harry Potter, and the beginning of a massive Spiderman franchise, is no mean feat.

The jaw dropping trailers promise a much broader, deeper and grittier film than The Fellowship of the Ring, with greater character

The best of the rest

reviews

Christmas time is usually an uninteresting time in cinema terms.

Our movie theatres are usually deluged with weary mothers, weighed down by heavy shopping bags and screaming kids demanding to see either Harry Potter for the fifteenth time, or the latest seasonal schmultz. But this year, things could be different. . .

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rtreviews s

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PIG TALES

BABE THE SHEEP-PIG

by DICK KING-SMITH SHERMAN THEATRE

is thrilled.

The stage was well constructed, with clever use of a balcony area for part of the farmhouse and rolling screens to create the barns.

The simplicity of the scenery meant that the colourful costumes were displayed to their best advantage. Removal of the story from the Yorkshire Dales of King-Smith’s original to the Welsh Valleys gives the play a nice homegrown touch. The TV presenter of the ‘Grand Challenge’ in particular seemed to have come straight off S4C. With only twenty in the entire

I

t’s a hard act to follow. After the cuteness and indisputable ‘aah’ factor of the pig from the film version, with his tufty black forelock, how can any human actor match that performance?

Dressing up a lanky man (Gareth Wyn Griffiths) in pink dungarees and cerise Mary Janes may not be the answer everyone was expecting. But it works surprisingly well.

This year’s Sherman Theatre Christmas show, a musical adaptation by David Wood of Dick King-Smith’s The Sheep Pig, is definitely one for unquenchable energy of the entire cast. When Babe is about to be shot in a case of mistaken identity, the gasp that goes around the auditorium is real. When Babe triumphs over cynical adults and unfriendly sheep to win the coveted ‘Grand Sheepdog T r i a l Challenge’, the audience

cast, including twelve children, most are on stage for the majority of the play; if not acting, then playing in the band.

All the adult actors are amazingly musically talented, playing a diverse range of instruments including guitar, accordion and violin, whilst singing and dancing. A special mention must be given to Lucy Rivers, who plays the sheepdog Fly. Spending a large proportion of a play on all fours wearing a furry baseball hat (and for a shamefully brief period only, neon pink sweatbands) is a hard thing to

do, but she carries it off admirably.

Unless you wish to be stared at in the same manner we were (three twenty year olds in the very front row of a children’s matinee performance), take a nephew/niece/younger brother/sister/random toddler with you if you wish to see Babe The Sheep Pig. Watch out especially for the exercise sequence (featuring the aforementioned sweatbands). Although not in the original book, Dick KingSmith would be proud.

Helen Dorritt

BITE ME! DANCE BITES BACK CHAPTER ARTS THEATRE

D

ance Bites Back was an intriguing evening of dance from International and Wales based choreographers and performers which was not to be missed. Following support from the Wales Independent Dance Cultural Development Fund the Chapter Theatre played host to this diverse event. It featured sketches and performances from a small group of dancers coming from Wigan to Wales to Malta!

Described as asking the question, ‘What is the healthiest way of being ill?’ the first performance of the night, titled ‘Dis-Ease’, choreographed by the award-winning Jasmin Vardimon, concentrated on the body’s relationship with illness and hospitals. Through the medium of dance the performers’ expressivity ranged from the graceful pirouettes of ballet to the jerky and erratic torments of mental illness. The performance was disturbing and unsettling, questioning what we take for granted and our values.

However, it was also compelling, forcing the audience to become enveloped in a claustrophobic and dark world where every breath is laboured.

The second piece of the night, titled ‘Outward Bound’, was from the director and choreographer, Ruth Douglas. Through a mixture of what seemed like Sign Language and traffic hand signals this sketch certainly supported the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’. Although there was no dialogue here the gesticulation was so vigorous and intense that it was impossible to fully appreciate each

OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ OLEANNA

by DAVID MAMET SHERMAN THEATRE

J

ohn is a professor with a lot on his mind. He’s trying to buy a house and deal with a demanding student at the same time. Carol is that student. She doesn’t understand a word of her lectures and she’s looking to John for help. What ensues from their fateful first meeting is a situation most university lecturers would hope only inhabits their worst nightmares.

Much of the success of this excellent play lies in the dialogue. Mamet is an uncompromising writer. Blunt in the extreme, he uses his characters to express ideas that reverberate around the theatre and hit the audience with a wonderful precision.

And the effect is tangible.

Writing this in the 90s, Mamet attacked the American university system with the sort of vitriolic accuracy that caused people to sit up and listen.

And so we were definitely unsettled by the tense battle of wits unfolding before us. Beth Fitzgerald and Guy Masterson brought real vitality to a script that in the wrong hands could become irritatingly verbose; the former played the questioning, troubled student with a sort of nervy insistence that compelled you to empathise, though at a distance. The ease with which

dancer’s movements without feeling that you were missing part of the whole performance. The choreography was simple yet effective at conveying this multitude of silent voices, each trying to be heard and understood over each other.

The third and final act was interestingly titled ‘Abonimus’ and was choreographed by the Welsh director, Sean Tuan John. With an eclectic mix of erotica and dictatorship this piece focused on ideas of control and identity. Once again dealing with the body, it questioned what is considered to be erotic and humourous and why.

With seedy background tracks of underground French music and a Swansea-accented, transvestite dictator this performance was the most surreal.

Although there appeared to be humourous aspects of this production it was not clear if we should be laughing or not as there was so much darkness. The general surrealism was emphasised by the fact that a considerable section of the audience were young adolescents from a dance school who found many aspects of the night’s acts completely hilarious. Although this was at first surprising and slightly embarrassing, it soon became clear that no-one really knew how to react to these pieces and so the

Masterson also played his role made for absorbing viewing.

We were drawn into the mind of an arrogant, confidant academic, whose references to the ‘’virtual warehousing of the young’’ and his definition of Higher Education as ‘’something other than useful’’ grated on the psyche. No wonder his students didn’t understand a word of his books. I personally wouldn’t want to.

Mamet has no qualms about exposing the university system for what he thinks it has become, a mere factory through which young people are churned out with degrees that are often meaningless.

The theories of education John espouses are shocking but believable. Being a party to the rapid dialogue in which Mamet’s characters engage is therefore something of a bewildering experience at times. Nonetheless, Emma Lucia directed with sensitivity, allowing the more human elements of both Beth and John room to breathe, without overshadowing the complex issue of interpretation that pervades the entire play.

This was a powerful production of a work that seems timely, given the state of Britain’s education system.

Provocative and entertaining, this play demands to be performed and seen, not confined to the pages of a university text Cardiff English Literature students ironically study in their first year.

LaDonna Hall

children’s laughter was as valid as any other.

This was not a night that could be walked away from and immediately forgotten. It addressed cultural and personal values and shook my own appreciation of performance and theatre. It has certainly made me consider dance as an exciting and diverse medium for theatrical expression. Rachel Pegum

Dracula: not averse to biting backs

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C’EST CHIC-AGO amazing voice (how these people sing so well and jump, skip and roll on the floor at the same time is beyond me!) accompanied by the sound of a swinging fourteen piece adies and Gentlemen, band, under the direction of Boys and Girls! I’m proud Gareth Hall. The dancing was to present to you the brilliantly choreographed by glittering, the glamourous, the Gary Chryst and the Original spectacular spectacle....

New York production CHICAGO! Prepare to be interpreted and re-created by ‘razzle dazzled’ by showgirls, director Scott tophats, tap Faris. Not, of dancing and course, all that jazz! forgetting the Chicago is cast, including a story of Emma Clifford death, deceit as Roxy and and dancing.

Lisa Donmall The show as Velma who, follows the dressed in sexy trials of two black numbers, wannabe give it all entertainers, they’ve got with Roxy Hart stunning and Velma results.

Kelly, both Spectator convicted of and fellow killing their student, Lisa husbands English, and both described the desperate to show as hit the big time. In Al Capone: Chic ‘Cabaret meets Jail House this town, Rock’. Some might have murder is entertainment; the preferred to avoid the cramped girls and their smooth talking, surrounds of The New Theatre; ruthless lawyer Billy Flynn, played by John Altman, (who is the real fanatics will be awaiting the forthcoming film better known as Eastenders’ version starring Welsh actress bad guy Nick Cotton) sing and Catherine Zeta Jones and dance their way out of trouble Rene Zellweger. But all those and to the top of show biz. who like to be wowed by the This performance was guaranteed to get the audience wonder of musicals and dream of stars and limelight it swaying in their seats and was a chance to spend a night jigging in the aisles with away from the Union/ T.V famous numbers: All That because it really is classier to Jazz; Razzle Dazzle; A Little go to the theatre!

Bit Of Good and Mister Leonie McFarlane Cellophane. All sung in

CHICAGO NEW THEATRE

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TALK SEX SHOW VOLCANO THEATRE COMPANY CHAPTER ARTS CENTRE

show as a piece of physical theatre as he writhed and slithered elegantly on the chair.

However, it was not long before everyone became quickly aware that this was not going to be an easy piece of theatre in which you could just sit back and relax. The lights of the auditorium were left on so no one could hide,

the backdrop. Footage of monkeys masturbating were followed by religious imagery of Christ and sombre choir music. Any deeper meaning that could be extracted from this comedy was certainly opaque. It escalated from the absurd to the hilariously ludicrous as the actors simulated sex in material body suits with removable genitals.

BELOW THE BELT

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alk Sex Show promised to be a ‘learning experience of a lifetime’ revealing to the audience ‘unparalleled wisdom’ of sex and love. I’d heard rumours of practical demonstrations and videos, and was very sceptical but also, if I’ll be honest, a little excited. The play did delve into our contemporary passion of selfdiscovery. However, I think these bold promises were solely in place to appropriately frame our expectations for the ‘tongue-in-cheek’ production we were about to see.

The play involved a sex guru who taught two unlikely students the ‘art’ of love and sex and at the beginning aptly held a guise of seriousness.

The set was completely white and consisted of only one chair placed centre stage, creating a feeling of simplicity and economy. It was a set in which one might expect plain speech and straightforwardness. The Guru complimented this expectation by dressing completely in white. He spoke directly to the audience with simple, poetic language, while simultaneously setting up the

and the division between actors and the passive audience was reduced. The actors came into the audience space and demanded our participation. Anyone caught showing reluctance to do this was singled out and interrogated. One man was asked to stand up and successions of personal questioned were fired at him, including “do you believe in clitoral compromise?” The idea was to make the audience feel uncomfortable and uneasy, and evidently they managed this very successfully.

The serious edge was continually eroded as the play became more and more ridiculous.

The Guru taught two very strange looking students how to love and have sex. This couple bizarrely turned the play into a black comedy, almost League Of Gentlemen style.

The dark elements of this piece were magnified by the fantastic and unique juxtaposition of films on

The show was bound up in a plethora of visual ideas and was very funny although it pointed to deeper ambiguities; to enjoy it you had to look no further than its surface of satire.

The Volcano Theatre Company successfully managed to create a unique brand of visually accomplished physical expression and must be appreciated just for that.

Liz Moreton

PETER-rific! PAN-tastic!

PETER PAN ACT ONE GREAT HALL

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hook and dragging even the slowest of audiences along for the ride.

A cross between Dustin Hoffman’s reprisal of the role, Rik Mayall’s Richie in Bottom and a little something extra, he absorbed the audience with his quick retorts and had them booing along to his evil plotting with great relish.

Which is the great thing about pantomimes in general and the Act One

Fanny fart champion

version in particular There is nothing quite so enjoyable or therapeutic than cheering the goodies and slagging off the badies. Heckles, jibes and insults, the cast have to knock them off with quick wittedness if they

are to survive the audience.

And luckily for the audience, Hook, Pan, Tinkerbell, Smee, Johno and Mikey were especially, and often hilariously, efficient at this.

The reappearance of the somewhat institutional scantilyclad dancers were welcome intervals to the laughs especially considering the length of this three and a half hour production, particularly the fantastic dance to Aguilera’s Dirty. And a new feature this year saw hilarious video clips between scenes and during the interval – Johno leaping through fields of sheep and Mikey sneaking into to Aberdare Hall.

There were some very strong performances, not only from Pan, Tinkerbell and other lead characters like Smee, but in the great smaller character roles. James Visor’s Steve Irwin, for example, was pure genius. The combination of parody, teasing self-indulgence and absurdity ensured that once again the panto was a top night out. Back of the net.

Charlotte Spratt

Arts

Amusing nods to Star Wars, Happy Gilmore and A Few Good Men amongst others ensured that those who recognised the lines felt included and in on the joke.

There were some

cracking performances. Chris Cook obviously relished his role as Captain Hook, ensnaring the audience with the tip of his

reviews

ith a subtitle like ‘Return of the Japseye loving fairy and wonderboy Peter Pan’, this year’s pantomime was never going to be a paradigm of sophistication. Witty, ironic and above all crude, Act One’s performance sparkled with cheekiness and good humour as they sparred with the audience and tumbled about the stage.

In a suitably odd and quirky plot Pan took Wendy, Johno (Welsh Boy) and Mikey (Cricketing toff) from their halls in Cardiff Uni to Never Land where Hook was plotting to kill him with the help of Ivil Ripyourbollocksov, Smee and the Cherie Blair Witch. Somehow along the way we managed to meet Hannibal Lecturer, Simon Cowell and a disco-loving, affro-ed leader of the mermaids. Pan’s defences, meanwhile, include Barry (of Barry Island)’s Angels. As you

could only hope and expect, good will defeat evil.

Though some of the jokes left rather a sour taste in the mouth (“How in the name of Myra Hindley’s rotting flange…”), the writers were unafraid to make self-referential jokes, steal shamelessly from films and take the piss out of themselves (“Aren’t you one of those knobs from that society Act one?”).

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GRiP ROBBIE WILLIAMS Feel Chrysalis Everybody knows that Robbie Williams is taking the piss, but when he’s cheekily bluffing his way through such voicemasking exercises as Old Before I Die and Millennium, who cares?

Worryingly, here Death In Vegas: Monkey - sorry, I mean Liam - not as on the atrocious pictured...

Sing When You’re Winning album - Williams attempts to SOLEDAD BROTHERS play it straight, and ends up Live EP floundering way out of his depth. The Sweet Nothing harsh reality is that after a decade in the music business he literally cannot Blues is probably the musical genre I sing. And that does take the piss. know least about (well maybe opera as Jamie Fullerton well), but I’m glad to say that you don’t need to be a blues fan to enjoy this EP. ★★ A collection of seven songs, it starts DEATH IN VEGAS FEAT. LIAM with two suitably rocking numbers, GALLAGHER Stand Up and Break ‘Em On Down, Scorpio Rising with Johnny Walker singing before Concrete / BMG slowing down the pace a little for Johnny’s Death Letter.

THIS second single off Richard It’s on Teenage Heart Attack that Fearless and Tim Holmes’ third album they come over all Rolling Stones-like, is a big disappointment. By most but unlike, say, The Boggs, there’s not accounts, it is also one of the poorest an ounce of novelty in the music. On tracks. Its release as the primary single the other hand, maybe they’re just then, can be put down as a cheap covering up their parody with so much attempt to cash in on the fame of authenticity that they’re sniggering Liam. That Liam’s whining vocals are behind the backs of journalists who the worst thing on this track seems like don’t know any better… divine justice.

Pauline Cheung Scorpio Rising lacks both the ★★★ experimental vision of Dead Elvis and the twisted macabre sensibilities of The JORI HULKKONEN Contino Sessions. Instead, it is a weak, All I See Is Shadows watered-down attempt at what they F-Communications call a “psychedelic love song”. Genius gone to waste. Benjamin Hammond Twelve months ago, under the alias ★★ Zyntherius, Hulkkonen was at the forefront of the electro-clash crossover THE EIGHTIES MATCHBOX Bwith Sunglasses At Night, and could LINE DISASTER quite easily have disappeared off on Psychosis Safari the bandwagon. Looks like he put it all Island down to a bit of fun as he is back on form with a soulful and bleak take on When Eighties Matchbox aren’t deep house taken from his new album hanging out with no-namers like The Different. Kathryn Archer Parkinsons and Ikara Colt, or helping ★★★ us to celebrate one another’s mothers, they find time to record with Amen LYNN CAREY SAYOR FEAT. frontman Casey Chaos. No surprise, BRIAN MAY then, that Psychosis Safari is to metal If We Believe what Hallowe’en is to scary. It’s not www.guitargirls.com that I object much to the tongue-inBrian May, despite the red-hot skills of cheek approach to metal, it’s just that The Datsuns achieve it so much better. his 70s work, is best remembered for At a time when “old” metal is regaining the chest-beating guitar solos of credibility, who needs a lo-fi Iron Queen’s more pompous output. Here Maiden? Dave Gibson he adds the above, which isn’t really ★★ enough to save If We Believe from the bargain bin. The love-thy-neighbour sentiments, predictable backing and RIKKI & DAZ FEAT. GLEN glossy production wear thin within CAMPBELL seconds – but it’s for charity so it would Rhinestone Cowboy (Giddy Up, be insensitive to slag it off. Whoops.

Giddy Up) Mat Croft Serious ★★★★★ (for good intentions) The result of “the UK’s No. 5 MC” FAB FOR FEAT. ROBERT OWENS (Daz), a country legend (Campbell) Last Night A DJ Blew My Mind and some other cash-strapped Illustrious individual (Rikki) attempting a countrydance crossover novelty hit is never Unfortunately this doesn’t include going to be pretty. the line “last night a DJ screwed my We’re exhorted to clap our hands wife” originally suggested to legendary numerous times over the course of the house singer Robert Owens, but it’s four (yes, four) versions of this “song”, still a light-hearted take on the Indeep but it’s fortunate that admitting you’re classic. It only sounds good because of crap demands a sense of humour: Owens’ appearance, but it’s still a “Thanks for parting with your hard funky little floorshaker. earned cash for this work of genius.”

Kathryn Archer Rob Telford ★★★ ★ (for cheek)

CAESARS Fun And Games EP Dolores Recordings/Virgin The Caesars’ previous effort contained the genius lyric”I want to smoke crack/ Because you’re never coming back”. Lyrically, Fun And Games, their latest EP is a slight improvement, but otherwise it’s still quite a lame affair.

The tracks are equally uninteresting and immediately forgettable. The final track on the EP changes mood slightly, but not enough to compensate for the previous three. Without the novelty value of poorly-placed hard drug references, this EP is unlikely to appeal to anybody except die-hard Hollies fans. And there’re not many of them about. Jeremy Townsend

★

CRAZY TOWN Drowning Columbia Easier to criticise than George Bush’s foreign policy, Crazy Town are back.

But wait, where are the cocky and offensive lyrics about the number of “bitches” they’ve “boned”? It appears that, miracle upon miracle, Crazy Town have actually matured.

Drowning employs powerful instrumentation and haunting vocalisation to create a fairly polished nu-metal tune. The depressive, downtrodden mood is reminiscent of their much more successful counterparts, Linkin Park. All in all, a decent enough single. Paul Brown

★★★

SUEDE Obsessions Sony This song manages to sound like every Suede song you’ve ever heard combined into one screeching bundle.

“It’s the stupid things you’ve bought with my credit card/ It’s the way you don’t read Camus or Bret Easton Ellis!”, shrieks the seedy old man of mockney rock at the unwitting object of his affections.

Also managing to reference TCP, chemical reactions and the underground, Obsessions suggests that it’s pretty much business as usual in the Anderson camp. Maria Thomas

★★

THE STAR SPANGLES Which Of The Two Of Us Is Gonna Burn This House Down?

Capitol Oddly, New York’s suit-wearing Star Spangles haven’t been mentioned thus far in the trend for all things Big Apple.

It’s not so strange, though, when you consider the music. After all, it can’t be easy to make a band who sound like Menswear aping The Ramones on the

The Star Spangles: Sharp Suits...

primary school playground circuit fashionable, with or without the natty dress sense. Only some strategicallyplaced “woah”s and an uncharacteristic generosity of spirit on the part of your reviewer save them from utter oblivion.

Fuck it, it’s Christmas.

Alex Macpherson

★★

BARRY ADAMSON Whispering Streets Mute Yawn. Yet another artist to jump on the funk/baroque/Boyz N the Hood bandwagon. The only track I know that's comparable to this is Thriller, except this song exchanges the dancing zombies for "five bullets, five names and a contract for five hundred grand". The lyrics are complete guff, but they're delivered with Mr. Adamson's tongue lodged in his cheek.

Additionally, the Funkstorung remix pulls the whole thing apart and makes a twitching android from the pieces.

Bonus marks for that, then.

Cassidy Phillips

★★★★

SUM 41 Still Waiting Mercury With more vigour and vitality than an army of Energiser bunnies on heat, Sum 41’s new single, Still Waiting, quietly beckons you forward and then ferociously explodes your ear drums.

The band have gone for a much heavier sound on the new album, complete with metal tinged guitars and manic drumming. The lyrics are simple but meaningful, and the overall effect is an instantly likeable, explosive anthem.

Paul Brown

★★★★

THE CHAP Remember Elvis Rex / I Was Squashed By A Pig Farmer Lo Recordings Yet more intriguing music from the un-pigeonholeable Lo Recordings. This double A-side 7” may have some of the oddest track titles and lyrics you’re likely to see this year - but the music is spot on.

Whoever Elvis Rex was, he was worth remembering according to the strange robot vocalists on the first side.

However, it’s better to concentrate on the pumping, pumping electro music in the background than the nefarious antics of Mr. Rex. “I was squashed by a pig farmer, I was squashed by a sumo wrestler doo doo dee dee da!” croon the robots as the electro melody cavorts with the rare funk backing section on the flip. Yet more top tunes produced by utter mentalists. You couldn’t even make this stuff up!

Andy Parsons

★★★

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PICK OF Single of the Fortnight THE REST MEW She Came Home For Christmas Epic

CAVE IN Tides of Tomorrow EP Hydrahead How can this possibly be Cave In? They were one of the best of the new breed of metallic hardcore bands, setting new definitions of the term harshness. Now here they are with this new offering that’s filled, not with pure metal intensity, but with flowing, ethereal melodies a la Pink Floyd! Surprising to say the least.

What’s even more surprising is that this is damn good. Not quite up to the standards set by the Jupiter album, but pretty fine nonetheless.

They’ve taken progression to new dimensions,combining the dreaminess of the Floyd, the quirkiness of King Crimson while still managing to maintain the thundering power that made them so good in the first place.

I can’t emphasise enough how good this band are!

You’re just going to have to buy it for yourself (and while you’re at it, get everything they’ve ever recorded ever.

They are that good!).

Luke Grahame

★★★★

MR SCRUFF Sweetsmoke Ninja Tune

★★★★

The world of house music isn’t where you’d automatically look for quality dance, so to stumble upon this slinky, sexy offering from San Francisco collective Late Night Sneaky is a rather nice surprise. It’s gorgeously feline and seductively sparse - less is definitely more if you want to catch someone’s eye on the dancefloor, and it’s impossible to go wrong with a bassline like that.

Alex Macpherson

★★★★

Mew: Get in a festive mood...

‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly...

BETH ORTON Anywhere Heavenly Really disappointing this. In the past, Beth Orton has come up with some of the most hauntingly beautiful music imaginable, but the title song manages to sound like M People with its annoyingly prominent brass section.

In my book, sounding like M People is something to worry about. The second track on here is slightly better, but the obligatory remix track is about as desirable as crabs. Well below par.

Luke Grahame

★★

RADIO 4 Dance to the Underground City Slang Yes, they’re a New York punk quintet, but Radio 4’s Dance To The Underground EP is original enough to invalidate lazy comparisons to The Strokes. If their hypnotic, bass-heavy funk-rock is reminiscent of anyone, it’s seminal 70s punks Gang Of Four, which is no bad thing.

Given the excellence of the title track, however, it’s a shame that the rest of the EP consists of three uninspired, overlong dance remixes.

Nick Gale

★★★

MARK’OH Let This Party Never End Iconic If you liked Robert Miles One And One, you’ll love this torrid little display of nonentity, as the vocal melody is identical.

In short it’s bloody awful and is worse than all acts featured at the end of Euro Trash. Richard Samuels

dominated whine about bar prices at the Manics’ 1999 Millennium Stadium gig, which to be sure were a bit steep but, frankly, I’m over it.

There’s two mixes here, and the Taffia mix is preferable, mainly because you can’t hear the weedy singing and weedier lyrics.

Much better are Harvest Home and I’ve Been To Heaven, psychedelic Easterntinged dub and gospel hiphop respectively.

Brynmor Roberts

★★

LOOSEHEADZ Like This Prolifica This is the first widely available release from this dance duo and to be quite honest, let’s hope it’s their last. Devoid of any musical talent, Looseheadz seem rather content on just turning on a drum machine and letting some over-paid woman repeat what seems to be nonsensical lyrics over and over again, until the end of the song.

So remember the name Looseheadz as they will no doubt be appearing in the bargain bin of your local record shop very shortly.

Chris Martin Zero Stars

REEF Give Me Your Love Sony Scooter sound like a drill in the head on a Sunday morning. Give Me Your Love is German techno tripe for indie kids – honest to God, speed this up and you’ve got Scooter, ist true yar.

Reef have simply lost their sparkle. The fun-loving, summer-feeling, ‘let’s all go to

the beach’ tracks like Come Back Brighter and Replenish are long gone. Give Me Your Love is upbeat and lively enough, but you do get the impression Gary Stringer has just ran out of ideas. Speed it up mate, yar! Katie Brunt

★★

MAURICE AND NOBLE FEAT. JAMIE HADLEY. Faith Delivers Distinctive Breaks To dispel the pre-Christmas, late-autumnal malaise, get yourself a copy of this, the new pressing from distinctive breaks.

A gently funky house beat rolls along providing a euphoric backdrop for sighing vocals and electronic samples. Although the tempo increases and samples become more heavily layered, never once does it is more hectic than a day at Barry Island. Go on, feel the love.

Andrew Davidson

★★★★ X IS LOADED Thirteen Days Boss Music X Is Loaded read like a checklist for everything you shouldn’t do in a band. Awful name? Check! Changing all your surnames to “X” to emphasise the existence of this awful name? Check!

Highlighting the existence of a cult following on the internet? Check! And sounding pretty much identical to the 100% tedious Richard Ashcroft, only even MORE pointlessly dated and indie-schmindie? Checkmate!

John Widdop

★

★★★★

SMALL VICTORIES Holding On Hopefully Urban Fox Records They may have had a name change, but this is the only thing that the ex-Tommy And The Chauffeur boys have lost.

All the delights to have engrossed fans throughout their live experiences are evident in this release.

With joint vocalists Chant and Milford both having a pop at leading tracks, there is a definite versatile depth to the EP. Holding On Hopefully has that acutely embracing sound and consuming edge, indicating that pop stardom beckons. A little less direct, Spare Parts is equally terrific, and A Dignified Silence, with Chant’s

★

TAFFIA Taffia EP Crai Lead track Nicky Wire Your (sic) A Liar has been kicking around for the best part of three years now, and they still haven’t sorted out the grammar, but then that wouldn’t be punk rock, would it?

It’s a drum-machine-

oxymoron in his powerful yet frail vocal range, is gorgeously exploited by the bare accompaniment of a piano.

Not only a different name, but a distinguishing class.

Emily Thomas

Reef: Looking for love in all the wrong places...

YOUNG HEART ATTACK Tommy Shots / To The Teeth Rex Records Pow! Double A-side action from the Southern States answer to Motorhead who, on Tommy Shots, sound like Jack White duetting with Dolly Parton in the back of a speeding wagon.

And then To The Teeth err... sounds like more or less the same thing, only a bit more Love-Shack.

All very good, all very rawk, but don’t be too surprised if YHA’s frantic psychobilly sound gets drowned out by the ominous rumble of the bandwagon as it heads back to Detroit. John Widdop

★★★

Music

LATE NIGHT SNEAKY Purr Project DIstinctive Breaks

★★★★

singles

Yet another slab of funky, nutbag house excellence from Manchester’s premier DJ and general fish fanatic.

Sweetsmoke is one of the tastier cuts of Andy’s latest album Trouser Jazz with its cheeky keyboard melody, fat wah wah guitar and kids chorus.

B-side It’s Dancing Time is even better, a James Brownesque slice of funky beats with a Sex Machine guitar line and smooth vocals from Quantic. Smokin’!

Andy Parsons

So, She Came Home For Christmas eh? Did the old man plunge down her shaft to fill her sack? He did? And did he by any chance deposit in her bulging bag of seasonal cheer a beautifully orchestrated cockle-warming portion of Mercury Rev melody spliced with all the uplifting atmospheric fuzz and pixievocals of a Sigur-Ros, Spiritualised and sherry cocktail? He did? Then I’d hazard a guess that it was Mew’s mountainous new single. Stuff that in your stocking.

Jamie Fullerton

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PICK OF Album of the Fortnight THE REST LADYTRON Light & Magic Telstar

FABRIC LIVE 07 John Peel Fabric John Peel is God. (This one’s very much open to debate - Music Desk.) No person in the history of British media has done as much for music as he. He’s also pretty much omnipresent, as it’s hard to escape a day without hearing his voice somewhere.

So here is his first mix album, and a mighty fine collection it is too. Opening with the ragged blues of the Soledad Brothers the mix prgresses rapidly though drum’n’bass, techno, punk rawk, an insane bluegrass version of Lust For Life and, unsurprisingly, The Fall.

A resounding finish is also assured with the best happy hardcore track you will ever hear melting into the Kop Choir regaling us withYou’ll Never Walk Alone. The final track is Teenage Kicks by The Undertones, still brilliant after all these years.

For sheer diversity, class and fun value this mix cannot be beaten. John: you’re a fucking legend!

Andy Parsons

★★★★★

VARIOUS ARTISTS We Are Skint Records Skint records Simultaneously being marketed as a retrospective and a taste of things to come, this double CD selection is from the cult Brighton label Skint (the clue is in the name), who in days of yore were the spiritual home of Big Beat. The first disc is primarily a collection of classics and should-havebeen-classics from yesteryear. Some tracks Indian Ropeman, for example, or (admit it) Rockafeller Skank - still fizz with the same energy as the day they were released.

Others (Santa Cruz particularly) have lost their momentum and seem somewhat dated, but that's only to be expected.

The second disc focuses on the label's contemporary releases, which range from hard house (Smoke Machine) to bluesy ballads (Stay (In The Honeytree)), via chilledout lushness (Dark is Easy).

This is slightly counterproductive, however: some tracks are full-on havin’ it songs, whereas other numbers are more introspective, and this can give the disc a feeling of not quite gelling. Some of the tracks here were designed for home listening and some for clubs, and the juxtaposition seems slightly awkward when listening on a stereo. Despite this, this is a collection of (almost entirely) strong material, from a highly proficient label.

Cassidy Phillips

★★★

The wheels appear to have well and truly come off the electroclash bandwagon, but thankfully no one seems to have told part-British, partBulgarian quartet Ladytron. Light & Magic abandons the glitter-strewn eighties pop of their debut album 604 in favour of a colder, more minimalist Kraftwerk-influenced sound. The detached vocal loop and Human League synths of stand-out track Seventeen, for instance, will stay in your head for weeks.

However, Light & Magic’s undoubted excellence stems more from its coherence and consistency as an album: from dissonant, stop-start opener True Mathematics through to anthemic closing track The Reason Why, the band barely put a foot wrong. Indie snobs will mock their embrace of eighties retro-chic, but Ladytron have always been capable of more than the heavily ironic superficiality of, say, Fischerspooner.

Light & Magic is proof of that.

Nick Gale

★★★★

Ladytron: sporting the full range of Lego hair

All that glitters can be gold SHY FX & T POWER Set It Off London Records It’s certainly taken a while, but it seems that 2002 is the year that drum’n’bass took off its reversed balaclava and saw the sun for the very first time.

Along with Kosheen’s admirably tune-led efforts, hotshot producer Shy FX’s Set It Off is a record with a refreshing lack of pretension, concerned rather with what some would say is one of the important things in life; busting moves. And as well as providing the masses with a drum’n’bass record they can actually enjoy while driving at midday with a hangover, with cuts so deliciously jumpy as previous hit Shake Ur Body (that’s the one that sounds like the Sex And The City theme tune to you) and the adrenaline injection of Don’t Wanna Know (complete with mock dog barking) serious chart assault looks like a pretty certain and welcome side effect. a crazy reviewer

★★★

GORILLAZ Phase One: Celebrity Take Down DVD Parlophone “An ego is a dangerous thing to feed...”

As legacies go, this quote says it all. Since the peculiar criticalacclaim of 1999’s 13, Damon Albarn has been feeding his so much, it’s set to tour Vegas with the Colonel for the rest of eternity.

Watching this DVD, it’s hard to tell where its selling point lies. With such creative potential available to an animated band, a lack of storylines leave the promotional videos disappointingly dull. Not so, think Parlophone, who not only cram the video with Gorilla Bites for unreleased album tracks but also include the original sketches set to music.

Scraping back intrigue with semi-fictional Charts of

Darkness rockumentary relatively amusing, slightly informative but ultimately irritating - all that’s left to offer is a tedious but goodintentioned tour of the Gorillaz website and an animated ‘live’ performance from this years’ Brit Awards containing as much on-stage action as a Starsailor concert. Typically bland, mismanaged and commercially-driven.

Dave Gibson

★

BIG BROVAZ Nu Flow Epic Everyone’s going gaga over Big Brovaz it seems. Cat Deeley says they’re the UK’s answer to OutKast. Jo Whiley has evidently jumped on their bandwagon, and debut single Nu Flow skipped into the top 3 and effortlessly jazzed up a faltering British pop scene. Sounds suspiciously like a success.

However, like most ideal solutions, elaborating upon an initial success simply points out the initial flaws. In response to Ms Deeley, Big Brovaz are not the UK’s answer to OutKast. One outstandingly ace chartrumbling single is no match for years of innovation and rapidfire excitement. It’s also no accident the album’s title shares it’s name with the single; as sadly predictably as it may be, it’s just so much better than the rest of the shiftily over-produced mediocre filler material shoved onto Nu Flow. Songs like Don’t Matter and Summertime are so lacking in innovation they make Wyclef Jeans horrific prodiges City High appear revolutionary.

Still, to their credit, they can pull a few tunes and are obviously more likeable than Mis-Teeq and less dangerous than So Solid and, were it not for the constant repetition of the words “big bro” like egomaniacs with Tourette’s, they’d be a passable stop-gap.

John Widdop

★★

RICHIE HAWTIN AND SVEN VÄTH The Sound Of The Third Season Nova Mute At the end of the 2001 season, Sven and Richie wanted some memoir to remember the Cocoon Club @ Amnesia - the Ibizan club of which they were residents.

The result is a 76-minute sonic documentation of everything from the dinner they’d have at El Clodenis every Monday before driving off to Amnesia to their arrival at the club, the voices of people getting ready to go into the club and the excitement as Sven and Richie drive off to a secluded beach for the after hours party. And, of course, the tunes. Starting off with the hypnotic techhouse of Reinhard Voigt, the mix becomes progressively harder, as marked by Slam, until a peak is reached with Koenig Cylinder. The electrotech of Legowelt makes for a superb switch before chilling us out at the after-party with Swayzak. Breathe a sigh of relief, for this is actually an Ibiza album with credibility and continentality. Pauline Cheung

★★★

THE D4 6Twenty Infectious Tragically, it’s not entirely the fault of the four unlucky scruffs adorning the cover of 6Twenty, but thanks to the timing, artwork, current trend of unabashed endorsement for pretty boys and guitars (and the fact their record company have chosen to re-release their album to appeal to stupid Datsuns fans yet to realise there are two similarly awful bands from New Zealand doing the rounds), The D4 are quite possibly the worst band of all time. For a start, for a scraping-the-barrel band of the quote-unquote garage rock revolution, they aren’t pretty enough, they don’t rock enough (even Rock’N’Roll

Motherfucker is a blatant falsification of a song) and despite being slightly better than their Kiwi counterparts, The D4 will always cower in The Datsuns’ ugly shadows.

There is very little to 6Twenty: thirteen identikit rock tracks with titles like Come On! and Get Loose which Jon Spencer has been casting off for at least a decade. With the inclusion of three covers by respectable artists like Johnny Thunders and Guitar Wolf, you can’t help but wonder how desperate for material a band needs to be to include three covers on a debut album, especially ones so uninspiring that they just sound like the original song anyway.

Of course, if The D4 are so desperately unfortunate to go down in history with an epitaph as tragic as “crap version of The Datsuns” due to the timing of their record company, you can’t help but feel slight tinges of sympathy. But not much.

John Widdop

★★

THE SIGHTS Got What We Want Fall Of Rome Records If The Sights set out to create an uninspiring blend of The Beatles, The Beach Boys and Supergrass, then they certainly got what they wanted. This band are clearly living in the past, both musically and in their fashion sense. However, there are a few flashes of inspiration on this record, namely the guitar solos on the Last Chance and the catchy preceding title track.

Meanwhile the best song on the album, Be Like Normal, has the nucleus of a possible single with its solid rock riffs and a decent chorus.

As for the rest, it’s fairly dull: the kind of music that has to contend with a thousand better examples already existing. As a result its hard to see The Sights making any significant impact. Paul Brown

★★

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GRiP

Best Of The Recently Released Part 3 You know more David Bowie tunes than you might otherwise have thought. No, really. Go on, how many albums d’you reckon he’s released?

It’s 25. Quite apt, then, that his Best Of is a double CD comprising 39 of his best tracks. In amongst the usual suspects - Space Oddity, Ziggy Stardust, and the Queen collaboration Under Pressure - he’s dropped Slow Burn and Diamond Dogs.

To inform the less anally retentive, Bowie is the man behind the soundtrack to the conceptually astounding film Labyrinth, a stage adaptation of Orwell’s dystopic 1984, numerous obscure tattoos and face paintings, but, most significantly, the most genre-busting back catalogue the music world has ever seen.

He’s worked with Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, and Morrissey, to name but three. His music has explored rock, glam, soul and even, at times, dirtily funked up bass lines. You’d easily be forgiven for thinking this Best Of LP was a compilation from various artists from the last four decades, but nay, it’s the result of a lifetime of hard work, inspiration and inherent talent.

Andrew Davidson

★★★★★

positively. Here, however, Puressence successfully capture the essence of both words, maturing as a band worthy of their major label.

Planet Helpless is full of schizophrenic soundbites, heavily borrowing from all arenas, from Lightning Seeds to The Verve. Opener Walking Dead is growling guitar and prog-psychedelia, unfortunately mimicking The Music too closely for comfort, while How Does It Feel? reverts to the atmospheric spaceballads of Geneva. Album highlight Make Time is the sound of the band flirting with trip-hop, reminiscent of Massive Attack’s Karmacoma for a soft-rock audience.

Had Puressence emerged in 1997 instead of Embrace, they’d have been placed on a silver platter; had they emerged as little as eighteen months ago, they could be conquering the world, instead of being limited by a music media preoccupied with AC/DC riffs and Atomic Kitten. Puressence are ultimately let down by the overfamiliarity of their sound, but don’t necessarily write them off yet.

Dave Gibson

★★★

AQUALUNG Aqualung B-Unique

THE BOGGS We Are The Boggs We Are Arena Rock Recordings

Timeless is an adjective rarely applied to the contemporary alternative scene, as is epic when meant

If album covers could be used to sue under the trade descriptions act, then The Boggs would be buggered. All bed-hair and retro clothes, the cover picture of New York’s The Boggs suggest nothing more than the latest in garage rock bands, but oh boy are you in for a surprise.

Opener Whiskey And Rye, kicking in with lightning-fast mandolin, suddenly explodes into a hoe-down chaos more akin to The Pogues than The Strokes, complete with suitably pissed-up vocal slurring from vocalist and song writer Jason Friedman. How Long? is a bluesy romp in the style of Robert Johnson or Lightnin’ Hopkins, complete with chaotic slide guitar and slurred call-andanswer lyrics. And so the trend continues, at some points becoming almost a facsimile of the wax cylinder recording delta blues: On North Wood Ground and Emily

The Distillers:clean people

★★★★★

FINCH What It Is To Burn Drive-Thru Angst-ridden post-hardcore posse Finch have had quite an astounding year, including playing the Warped tour and the Reading Festival this summer, and they’re about to embark on a sellout tour of the UK too, proving that their popularity is growing from strength to strength. And not surprising too, with a debut album guaranteed to appeal to hormonal teenagers everywhere. Melodic opener New Beginnings and the raw emotion of tracks like Post Script and Without You Here make this a hugely likeable album. Like the Atari’s and New Found Glory before them, Finch have the melodic pop-punk market covered at the moment, and with a good variety of styles on the album all that needs work is variety of subject matter.

Gemma Jones

★★★

SUPERGRASS Life On Other Planets EMI Many would have us believe that the essence of good indie died off with the ultimate demise of the parka jacket and aviator shades sometime in the late nineties. Supergrass beg to differ.

As their new album so emphatically proves, the fusion of guitars, bass, percussion and vocals continues to lead the frontline of innovative, contemporary new music. The anthemic Grace is easily as lively a track as Richard III ever was, yet it demonstrates the band’s confidently continual self-renewal. The headspinning Never Done Nothing Like That Before, meanwhile, guarantees to have each and every listener bouncing on their toes by the end of the very first line. This is by far the best indie album on general release. Supergrass are continuing to produce creative and enlivening rock tunes, the likes of which their contemporaries can but dream of.

Andrew Davidson

★★★★★

VARIOUS ARTISTS The Future Is In Your Hands Virgin Not the most apt title for a collection of already successful bands (Supergrass, Coldplay), mediocre hasbeens (Richard Ashcroft, McAlmont & Butler) and probable no-hopers (Metro Area, Audio Bullys) - but that aside, this is actually a pretty good indie album for now. The 20 track

compilation includes current singles from Coldplay and The Vines, new album tracks from Supergrass, Doves and Idlewild, and the fantastic BRMC’s Red Eyes and Tears. If that isn’t enough for you, then there’s Athlete (an excellent song called Words), Hell Is For Heroes’ Night Vision, and a whole sprinkling of other bands that are all worth a listen, but who are unlikely to be ‘the future’ as the album title claims. If you’re still not convinced? Well, there’s always Mr Ashcroft. Jeremy Townsend

★★★★

THE DISTILLERS Sing Sing Death House Hellcat Records Leaders of the fuckyoucore scene, The Distillers have more energy, balls and attitude than the majority of the punk scene put together and multiplied by a million. Frontwoman Brody Armstrong (wife of Rancid’s Tim) has the voice of Courtney Love after swallowing glass and the face of a beauty queen on heroin. There is nothing clean-cut about this tantalising trio.

New album Sing Sing Death House is clearly one of the best albums of the year. Fresh, energetic and raw, Brody rasps her way through a plethora of punky, very much in-your-face tunes.

Recent singles City Of Angels and Lordy Lordy take pride of place as the album’s best songs but realistically each track is as good as the next. Asskicking, pure punk at its best.

Gemma Jones

★★★★★

VARIOUS Electro Burner Vol 1 Back Burna “You know Paul, making electronic music is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. You just have to push the right buttons.” So might have said the great philosopher Swiss Tony, and he’d have been right. This is a compilation of tracks on Back Burna Records and although it’s better than what you’re likely to hear in the average club, it’d be nice to just once hear some kind of variation on the usual looped drum beat and/or bass line for five minutes with swirly electronica over the top. It wouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination to believe this was the work of a single artist and not a compilation. It’s a shame the tracks don’t stand out as much as names like The Spaghetti Electro Band or The Sexy Old Man. Not a bad album, but it’s crying out for something different.

Jon Griffiths

★★★

Music

PURESSENCE Planet Helpless Island

★★★★

★★★★

albums

Mainly made up of tracks which didn’t make Toxicity, Steal This Album! is a kooky blend of bouncy, mosh-worthy metal and emotive, hard-hitting vocals.

Slightly heavier than the more commercial Toxicity, this offering sees Sytem Of A Down return to the sound and strong political themes of their debut with fervent gestures such as:”the bottom line is money - nobody gives a fuck/ 4,000 hungry children leave us per hour, while millions are spent on bombs. As well as punchy political rants such as Boom! and A.D.D, we also have quieter reflective numbers such as Innervision and Mr Jack. If you’re already a fan of their music you’ll love this album, and it’s diverse enough for newcomers to the System sound too. A thoroughly excellent album. Gemma Jones

No relation to Jethro Tull’s prog-rock album of the same title, former 45’s singer and guitarist Matt Hales embarks on what already seems to be a highly successful solo career after his top 10 smash Strange And Beautiful (as featured on the Volkswagen Beetle commercial).

Aqualung features more of the same restless pondering on life and love.

Sumptuous and gentle throughout with mostly piano based songs and subdued vocals, Aqualung is essentially a relaxing album.

Comparisons with the likes of Martin Grech seem apt as Hales performed, arranged and produced the album single-handed, and even designed the cover artwork. With only brother Ben (of indie band Bench) helping out on guitars, it’s hard not to label Matt Hales in the same musical ‘genius‘ category as the aforementioned Grech and Thom Yorke. Hopefully Aqualung is merely a delightful taster of things to come. Gemma Jones

SYSTEM OF A DOWN Steal This Album!

Columbia

O Emily both forgo modern-day production standards for turn of the century deep-south realism, other times bursting back to banjo and mandolin-driven bluegrass chaos.

Bearing little resemblance to the New York garage rock scene that spawned it, We Are The Boggs We Are is a curious beast.

It’s strong blues/bluegrass roots and raw production values may well scare off all but some of the stronger-stomached indie kids, but that will be their loss. A ballsy and unique tour de force of barndancing, finger-picking goodness, it’ll have you tapping your feet and chewing pieces of straw faster than you can say Cleetus.

Rob Jackson

David Bowie:Scary (hair) monsters

DAVID BOWIE Best Of Bowie EMI

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GRiP

There goes our hero

Photo:Tim Alban

FOO FIGHTERS/CAVE IN CIA

usiclive

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Dave Grohl: The man that can do no wrong

GERAINT JARMAN A’R CYNGANEDDWYR Clwb Ifor Bach For many people living in Wales in the 70s/ 80s Geraint was an actor/ poet/director/producer and one of the first huge Welsh language rock stars.

So it is with trepidation that we enter the club to see the now 52 year old Geraint. My initial preconceptions that he was going to perform nothing other than granddad rock soon disappeared as he began the set with O Lisa -pure rock and roll. This and the next song reminds me of vintage 60s rock like The Kinks.

Standing straight like an arrow occasionally moving his hands or performing some other action, like wrapping his arms around himself, he has quite a distinctive stage presence parts camp and awkward, which reminds me of Jarvis Cocker or Joe Strummer. The band don’t pause for breath as they run from one song to the next.

Most of The Poets sounds are like those of other bands of the 70s/ 80s era like The Clash, Iggy Pop and Ian Drury, only sang in Welsh. This includes the reggae influenced part of the set, and people have gotten well in to the swing of the music now, displaying a genuine love of what they hear, be they old fans or maybe younger friends or relatives of Geraint’s generation.The atmosphere was a bit like a wedding party, everyone in jovial spirits.

Despite the language barrier, it was a night to remember and one which left me with a warm glow, knowing that the old can still rock. Pauline Cheung

HUNDRED REASONS/SPARTA The Great Hall Sparta, aka 3/5 of At The Drive-In and essentially a more melodic version of AtD-I, play a solid set with the highlight being excellent recent single Cut Your Ribbon. When frontman Jim Ward screams out the refrain of How Can You Sleep At Night? it’s a powerful cry of liberation from his former group delivered with intensity and conviction.

Hundred Reasons take to the stage causing an eruption of noise and movement from the crowd. First as a four-piece, then one song in, singer Colin Doran comes bounding on stage like some permed bastard Muppet-dog emo preacher man, one finger constantly pointing upwards as the band rip into I’ll Find You, resulting in even more crowd hysteria.

HR proceed to play through most of their debut album Ideas Above Our Station, plus a couple of new songs,

Boston’s Cave In are not the easiest band for the casual listener, awaiting the melodic rock of the Foo Fighters.

They too use melodies and riffs to good effect, but have a tendency for weird time signatures which at times works well, but often can seem forced and restricting. They have some good songs, but even simply nodding your head to the rhythm could do you serious physical harm.

These days, almost everyone has heard of the Foo Fighters. A number one album, a top five single, and Dave Grohl’s face on the cover of Kerrang! so often, it’s starting to look like Horse And Hound. However, this kind of ubiquity is rarely good for a band, as few manage to get any good work done with so many hangers-on wanting various things. Dave Grohl has been through this before, hence he appears on stage enthusiastic as the band launch into recent single All My Life, but also wary commenting on the size of the venues the Foos now play. The sight of so many people moving through the crowd seemingly at random does little to dispel this feeling and a lot to subdue the atmosphere.

The gig itself is excellent though; the songs, played tightly by a well drilled band, are never just carbon copies of the album versions, most notably My Hero, featuring a new thrashier ending. Monkey Wrench is excellent, and The One is given a harder, more menacing rendition live. It’s hard to fault the band’s performance tonight but Arena Rock Land is a dangerous place to be. Jon Griffiths

with an impressive intensity. At times however, the wall of noise can be a little restrictive to their sound which is why the slower paced, though still intense Falter was the set highlight.

A good effort, but a bit more variety wouldn’t go amiss. Jon Griffiths

INME/ELVISS Newport TJ’s With their infectious brand of Emo tinged punkery. Elviss prove that despite the awful sonic quality of the venue, you can still make quite a hefty racket. Ripping through a fast and energetic set, it seems to be all over before it even started.

After a sell out show at Cardiff’s Barfly in September, current Kerrang! darlings Inme play ‘the cave’ to a very small and predominantly young crowd.

Running though debut single Underdose and last single Firefly they render closer to a latter day Pearl Jam rather than the commercial American tripe that they seem to have been ignorantly pigeonholed with.

Admittedly their sound seems in the experimentation stage, as the band flirt from arty Deftones-esque apocalyptic mesmerism and back again to post grunge dirt. What does come undone a little is the similarity of the hooks, which can be a little too transparent especially on new single Crushed Like Fruit. Much of the material is from forthcoming delayed album Overgrown Eden. But there are a couple of b-sides thrown in, like Jealousy with Dave McPherson’s raw and energetic vocals, almost sounding akin to Billy Corgan’s nasal tones.

It’s not a perfect performance by any means. But, despite their tender ages, what Inme prove is that British bands can do something other than predictable nu-metal. The grunge revolution has arrived, and not a moment too soon.

Anita Bhagwandas

JENNIFERS PARENTS/DRAW Barfly Draw’s set was a kind of Travis/Metallica cross which (despite this) was very impressive but lacking the energy needed for a small venue.

Slightly overlong as it was, Draw created a pleasant, placid theme for the night.

Jennifers Parents picked up the torch and added their trademark quirky style – bow ties, bowler hats and ‘professors’ on guitar – a 60s inspired but original offering with comedy interludes.

The ‘Parents were comfortable swapping instruments with each other, and this achieved a more varied set

both aurally and visually. The unscripted banter in between songs was refreshing (particularly the citrus fruit discussion,) especially after the predominantly serious attitude of the preceding bands. But even this began to grate a little towards the end.

Nevertheless, Jennifers Parents were altogether an intriguing and whimsical conclusion to a night of good music, which left you feeling like you’d just drank half a bottle of brandy – sleepy but with a smile on your face.

Morwenna Kearns

PUERTO MUERTO/ DAVID HERN Howard Gardens-UWIC The Student’s Union at UWIC’s Art campus, Howard Gardens, provides an distinctly (circle appropriate word) arty/pretentious/cultured/intimate setting for a similarly fitting crowd.

David Hern and his band take us back to more traditional territory, whose use of a pedestal guitar makes for an eloquently psychedelic backdrop with nicely melodic song writing.

Introspective and soft, they sound like a cross between Neil Finn and Low. They finish and a man narrates them off the stage as all the way from San Francisco but in fact they’re only from sunny London.

Finally, it is indeed Chicago’s Puerto Muerto turn to entertain.

Playing live with only two instrumentsan electric guitar and a tom drum, their sound is considerably restricted, but they make up for a lack of variation with excessive passion and noise.

Christa whacks the tom drum so fervently that the muffles of the drum sticks come loose and you think that she’s going to break the drums as well.

Like bards of the olden times,they sing missionary tales of travel, war, revolution, pirates and drinking- all original subject matter for this day and age anyway, plus there’s even a lovely cover of The Kinks’ Alcohol.

There’s a bit too much crowd talking throughout, which sort of destroys the effect of suspending yourself in their make-believe world. But I suppose people are interested enough to shout for more at the end. Overall, I can’t complain, good bands and a cheap night with a good effort put in.

Pauline Cheung

JJ72/MELATON The Great Hall Fellow Dubliners Melaton set the tone for tonight with their soft melodic tunes. Sounding very much like Turin Brakes, both vocally and musically, obviously works well for them, as the audience hangs on their every note

tonight. Highlight of their short but sweet set was definitely tracks from their new release the Still Water Ep, which the band are currently generously giving away free from their website.

After such a strong performance by Melaton, JJ72 were somewhat of a let down. Their performance seemed to mainly consist of exaggerated posturing and showing us how much their playing has improved over the last year which is all very well, but a shame really, as I To Sky has some astounding tracks on it. Despite this, lead singer, Greaney did attempt to put some emotion into his vocals and highlights Glimmer, Brother Sleep and Snow showed this. But others such as Algeria, Oxygen and recent single Formulae, which demanded emotional input, were sadly left dry and lifeless.

Having seen JJ72 on many previous occasions, their almost apathetic response to their music tonight is something highly uncommon and could maybe be put down to the length of this mammoth tour. Still as enigmatic as ever though, they just needed slightly more heart and soul in the performance. Gemma Jones

BOYSETSFIRE/DEATH BY STEREO Newport TJ’s Death By Stereo take to the stage with the express intention of scaring the crap out of every audience member.

They’re loud, heavy and the lead singer has hair like Andrew W.K. What more can you ask?

With songs like Emo Holocaust and Hippie Holocaust, this band are out to make a point. The singer wanders into the crowd deciding that “if your not going come to me then I’m coming to you!”. I suggest you find them before they find you.

Boysetsfire are a powerful force on stage. Their political edge is clearly on show in the anger and conviction of Nathan Gray’s voice, showing a real passion behind everything they say. His face contorts and turns blood red when he screams “Where’s your fucking anger/Where’s your fucking rage!” during After the Eulogy and the crowd reacts by moshing till their legs give way. Before Release The Dogs Nathan delivers a scathing attack on Bush and the War on Terror to rapturous applause. It seems that the music is merely a means to convey a very sincere political message.

Boysetsfire were an impressive act and the music even more so but the ideas and views they make you think about has far greater influence and power. Anthony Lloyd

15 BRENDAN BENSON/ MEDIUM 21 Barfly Although we’re now in the grip of a depressingly grey winter, Brendan Benson’s latest album, Lapalco, is still beaming a bright ray of American sunshine into my life. Coming from Detroit, yet steering his band away from the traditional sounds of the burgeoning scene there, Brendan Benson and his well-fed boys are producing indie rock sounds of the highest calibre.

Which is more than can be said for Medium21 - a band who ooze averageness from ever pore; at least they’ve chosen an appropriate name.

Whilst not being that bad (indeed, their final song is actually pretty damn good) they still lack the spark, drive and inspiration that seem to guide the headliners tonight.

Focusing on their louder material Brendan leads his band into rousing versions of Good To Me, the Passenger-esque What and superb recent single Folk Singer. Intertwining Beach Boys melodies with the attitude, wit and verve of Pavement, Brendan can’t help to bring a smile to everyone’s face tonight.

After a mild diversion through some of his earlier material, the band finish on fine form with Eventually. “Oh girl stay here with me”, he sings, “it’s going to get better eventually”. Believe me Brendan, it’s perfect already.

Andy Parsons

BRUTAL DELUXE/ JOHNNY MENTAL Barfly Looking deceptively like a grunge band, Cardiff’s Johnny Mental took to the stage first. Whilst still keeping the UK hardcore/metal edge, they drew from the technical riffs of Will Haven to the dynamics of Machine Head, resulting in an impressive and tight performance. A reasonably young band both in age and experience will surely only get better. They are well worth checking out.

You have to feel sorry for London’s Brutal Deluxe. A quick count of the audience, apart from the bands, only needed one hand, which is unfortunate for a band that relies on word of mouth. Paradoxically, they seem out of place in such a small venue, showcasing talent and professionalism similar to most of their US counterparts. Unfortunately, the vocal performance detracted from their ferocious but regimented cyber-metal sound, due to the Michael Jackson

GRiP style microphone round the lead singer’s head whilst he also played the guitar.

Set highlights included Slag Freak and Psycho Industrial Da Da, leading to no surprise that this band are popular in Europe. Entertaining nevertheless. James Preselo

FLOGGING MOLLY Clwb Ifor Bach Flogging Molly are both ridiculous in theory and ridiculous in practise. If watching a veritable army of punks adorned in chains, frayed shorts and mohawks going ballistic to what is essentially a tin whistle solo pitched against one thudding bass drum isn’t ridiculous enough, the fact that singer Dave King must be at least twenty years senior to the rest of his band and that Flogging Molly produce breakneck speed Irish folk punk anthems like The Pogues in a tumble drier, complete with banjo, violin and aforementioned tin whistle - surely is.

No bad thing of course, and absolutely brilliant as a result.

Despite their clearly Celtic sound, King is the only genuine Irishman, and all the songs on show tonight are straight from the emerald-lined streets of home, albeit skewed with the rest of the band’s Californian base. Onstage, all seven members exude charisma and pure enthusiam, and reassuringly all drink Guinness like fish. But it’s evident this is King’s baby, and on The Worst Day Since Yesterday and If I Ever Leave This World Alive he’s a genuine star - you know he wrote the song drunk in the back of an Irish bar with a twinkle in his eye.

It’s been a slightly ridiculous night, but one that’s unlikely to be forgotten.

John Widdop

THE TOE Barfly As much a Cardiff institution as Shaky Hand Man and equally desperate for money, Toe gigs are the stuff of legend. Publicly endorsed by Gorky’s singer Euros Childs and possessing an army of followers more loyal than for any other local band, The Toe’s popularity has spread by word of mouth. And it’s an enduring appeal, since their comic set is as wellworn as front-man, Nat Hate’s, familiar shorts.

However, Toe sets are always marked by new ideas and innovation.

Following the lamented demise of their Usk-based art-rock side project, tonight marks the release of The Toe’s Lazerz EP. Available from no good shops, new track Ambulance Ride, is a short, cod-experimental blast of the

tortured and is indeed torturing. It forms a mid-point in their set, alongside a carefully rehearsed commercial break, in which to flog it.

Such rank capitalism falls forgivably into an act which steadfastly pisses away excellent all-round musical ability for the cause of mass hilarity. From opener 10p Mix, which celebrates childlike delight in He-Man jellies, through to brilliant closer Party In My Head, the audience are, as ever, reliably guffawing. Drawing on the sad, true tale of Hate’s Hogmanay party, when no-one turned up and his mum’s meat paste fingers went to waste, Party In My Head finds Hate in painful collapse on the floor, just as he had when decrying, “Twenty yeeaarrs! No pension!” in the earlier Cash. Toe-ites yearn for an encore, cruelly denied by the venue. Still, there was the always excellent Toe cover (Ghostbusters) to hold dear, and the certainty that The Toe, like Santa, will have a wee present for us at Christmas.

Nick McDonald

STRUNG OUT/ THESTART! Newport TJ’s Make way for TheStart! Gah! With that voice, she sounds like a three year old with a 90-a-day habit. Aimee Echo used to be in Human Waste Project but this is a very different line from her previous efforts. Gone are the days of screaming metal; now it’s all ambient-yet-gritty vocals over rock riffage and synthy sounds.

Blistering guitar sounds and unrelenting bass drums have never sounded so dated. Strung Out have been around for about ten years now, which in my reckoning is about six years too long to be producing the same sound. Yes, their skills as musicians are undoubted, and yes, when they play old favourites the place goes mental (though mainly with those mocking TJ’s age policy).

However, it’s sad that they sound so out of date because as performances go, this was a stormer. It’s just with so many good British bands doing it so much better and fresher it seems time for Strung Out to launch a greatest hits compilation and have done with it.

Richard Samuels

UNDERWORLD Bristol Academy Born Slippy has cemented the name of Underworld in history forever, but when Darren Emerson flew the nest two years ago to become a superstar DJ, the future of the band as a pioneering dance act looked bleak.

But with the release of instant classic

single Two Months Off this year, the future looked bright again; now, after their fifth album’s warm reception, Karl Hyde and Rick Smith are back on stage to give a packed-out Academy a show to remember. Renowned for their live show experience, their reputation is maintained tonight. Darren Price and Futureshock provide records to warm up the crowd whilst the shiny set and futuristic laser light show in the performance is impressive.

Hyde’s dancing is, however, the focal point: this is a middle-aged man acting like a nutter,but his charisma is inspiring. Meanwhile, Smith hides behind the gadgets as they go through their catalogue of classics, starting with Dark Long Train and including King Of Snake, Rez/Cowgirl, Jumbo and Born Slippy.

New material sees Hyde appearing with a guitar, but the crowd is still dancing all the way back to the bar.

This kind of combination of the energy of dance music with a live show is rare and Underworld still do it perfectly.

Kathryn Archer

WATERSHED Barfly “Ben’s puked up 14 times today already”, Watershed’s brand spanking new drummer Tom gruesomely divulges, minutes before the band take the stage. It turns out that this vomitinducing nervousness is completely unfounded though, as a couple of seconds into the wispy optimistic melody of the opener, forthcoming EP track As Good As It Gets, the notoriously difficult Saturday night Fever crowd are charmed. “Maybe, just maybe”, Ben James breathes heartbreakingly, while Neil Hannonalike guitar streak Chris pulls strings whilst hunched diligently over his pedals like a scientist toiling away on a genius formula.

This formula is nothing new: the band siphon their influences from the gentle wave of melancholic guitar bands currently at the forefront of the scene (Elbow, Coldplay, Doves and back to the euphoric strummings of Jeff Buckley). Certainly they’ve got the substance to fight their corner in such distinguished company; this year’s Boobytrap single Still would be a defining moment of any of the aforementioned band’s careers.

On stage, James bares his entire soul. Thumb-wagging Tony Blair-style throughout, he stutters and mumbles through the rambling dedications between songs.

Watershed are a band to give your heart to. You know they’ll take good care of it. Jamie Fullerton

Photo:Rob Jackson

Indie boys X Is Greater Than Y seemed highly out of place tonight, as Barfly was filled with an audience of a more gothic bent. Despite this, their set - although almost bland at times - was fairly well received, especially its highlight, the pretty Hole In The Twilight. On any other night X Is Greater Than Y may have gone down a storm, but tonight the crowd were only here for one thing: art-rock princess and Queen Adreena singer Katie-Jane Garside.

Floating onto the stage in a trance-like state, Katie-Jane’s petite form looks fragile and battered after throwing herself into the crowd and around the stage show after show. Yet despite this, all illusions of fragility are quickly dispelled as soon as she utters the first note and begins to scream and snarl her way through tracks from Queen Adreena’s new album, Drink Me. As the sweltering crush of people are drawn further forward, she delivers a bitter, poisonous rendition of newbie Kitty-Collar Tight and older favourite Pretty Polly.

Even quieter, slower numbers like Yesterday’s Hymn and Razorblade Sky are sung as if she were possessed. Clothes torn and make-up heavily smudged across her face, Garside launches herself into the hungry crowd and struggles to make her way back before further teasing the audience with a flirtatious version of new single FM Doll (Fuck Me Doll).

Standing before us shaking, topless and not looking unlike a rape victim, it’s clear to see that Katie-Jane, although neurotic, is still one of the most fascinating women you’re ever likely to encounter; even in this tattered state, her beauty is astounding.

Gemma Jones

Music

QUEEN ADREENA/ X IS GREATER THAN Y Barfly

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PRETTY LIKE DRUGS

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HE’S ONE OF Britain’s best kept secrets, yet singer/songwriter Kathryn Williams’ popularity just keeps on growing. Alex Macpherson went along to her recent Coal Exchange gig to find out more about the making of her new album Old Low Light, and her ongoing battle with extreme stage fright...

Kathryn Williams is possibly the most self-effacing pop star on the planet.

Not content with apologising for keeping gair rhydd waiting through her soundcheck, she goes on to excuse her smell: “I’m really sorry - I had a bath in lavender oil and it was really strong”.

Then again, this is the same woman who overcomes stagefright every night to communicate with her audience simply because “it would be impolite not to”. Constant self-deprecation and an enduring refusal to believe her own hype (“I think I’m like the Emperor’s new clothes”) are Williams trademarks, and part of what makes her such a charming figure. Yet this only appears to apply to the distribution of her work in the public sphere. She may have

come close to quitting touring because of the “physical pain” of stagefright and her record company may have received numerous calls from her during the recording of her new album, Old Low Light, telling them that they were free to drop her if they wished (“they had to tell me there were more important things than profit”), but when the conversation turns to the songwriting process itself, Williams is quietly assertive.

“I never go out, I hardly ever leave the house, but I use my imagination a lot starting with seeds of truth or memory”, she muses. “But memory isn’t fixed, though, we embellish everything. It’s like painting - you paint the truth, even though it might not be recognisable as fact”.

It’s not only what Williams paints, but also how she does it. Over her three albums, a clear lyrical voice has emerged: both direct and poetic, it’s a refined marriage of the straightforward and the complex. “I was looking for something divine/ But ended up making the mundane into my shrine”, she croons on Mirrorball, evoking entire worlds of longing. “I have a big problem with lazy lyrics”, she explains.

“You can only get away with them if you make music like the Ramones. I want to find new ways of talking about things like love and loss”. As if fearful of becoming overly confident, Williams hurriedly qualifies her statements. “I don’t want to be clever, because I’m not. I just want strong words to make big pictures”.

At the end of the day, it’s clear that Kathryn Williams views herself less as a singer/songwriter than as a woman who happens to sing and write songs; it’s when the two worlds impinge on each other that she retreats from them.

Luckily for us, she retreats into the music, laughing that “when I’m on stage I’m in my own world. It’s when the song ends that I’m, like, Fuck!

Where am I? And I still feel quite obscure - I can still go to the corner shop in my slippers”. And if the attention she’s received over the past few years continues to grow? She quickly laughs off such a thought: “I’d have to buy shoes that I could slip on quickly”.

Nevertheless, Williams knows what she wants to accomplish with her talents. “I don’t want to write songs of a time, which I’m criticised for. I’d

rather make an album which, in 20 years’ time, someone can pick it out of their CD collection and enjoy it”. She probably won’t admit it, but she’s already made three - and is certain to make many more.

Hey Dude!

Photos:Annie Lomax

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FTER A FOUR year break from the music industry.

Former Kula Shaker frontman Crispian Mills is back and raring to go with his new band The Jeevas.

Jamie Fullerton popped along to his recent Cardiff Barfly gig to chat about life with his new band and being a sex symbol...

“I’ve never met anyone who learned anything from university, it’s all bollocks. Just take acid and run around Cardiff”, advises Crispian Mills, former Kula Shaker-maker and

currently songwriter and frontman for The Jeevas, who are completed by Andy Nixon banging the drums and Dan McKinna plucking the bass. Together they’re a tune-led rump-shakin’ rock band who specialise in psychedelic footstompers dating back to the golden rock’n’roll era of the 60s and 70s, all as tight as a virgin’s snatch. So why the more basic, stripped-down sound compared to Kula Shaker’s ‘peacocks’n’all’ rich sound? “It’s not something I decided on, it happened all by itself”, Crispian explains. Dan expands: “It’s just what happened when the three of us got together. Crispian was trying out a few ideas in a studio, Andy happens to live in the house where the studio is…”

“Well, I was throwing up some ideas…”

Crispian admits, “then I came and I poohed some ideas…”, “…and we sneezed some ideas”, Dan and Andy gruesomely divulge. “When the three of us were in a room, playing for the first time, between 20 and 50 seconds we were all smiling, there was a sound there straight away and it had a life of its own so we went with it. Every band is different, we could try and sound like

Kula Shaker but that’s not where Crispian was at or how the songs were coming out. When you put different people together you naturally get different sounds.”

All three are quite obviously pretty damn happy with how things are going so far. Crispian explains: “We’re positive, we’ve got hope, anything could happen. We all love being in this band, it really is a great band to be in.

We feel like we’re kinda watching it all happen by itself. It’s good enough to go all the way but who knows if it will or how long that will take. We’ll leave that to the man upstairs, Brian the barman.” Crispian’s indie sex-god reputation will certainly help rather than hinder, though Andy’s not so sure.

“In order to be a sex symbol you have to think you’re a sex symbol.

Otherwise, you’re just a person people think are attractive.”

“What are you sayin’ about Crispian then!?” Dave exclaims. “Well, Robbie Williams thinks he’s a sex symbol…

Crispian isn’t a sex symbol because he doesn’t think he is. Or maybe you do, Crispian, I don’t know. Maybe you stand in the mirror and…” “…It’s pretty mysterious, have you ever found a man attractive?” Crispian quizzes his bandmates. “Yes”, Andy has, “River Phoenix. Did he think he was a sex symbol?”

But does the world need another ‘the’

band? Crispian ponders, “if you don’t have any imagination you’ll end up being lumped with that. But ‘the’ is a state of mind. If you wanna be a ‘the’, that’s all you’ll be. It’s how you perceive yourself, that’s the most important thing”. So, The Jeevas aren’t another ‘the’ band, and Crispian isn’t a sex symbol because he doesn’t think he is. Or is it because he doesn’t think he is that makes him… no because if… oh, fuck it.

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End Of Year Music Polls SINGLE OF THE YEAR 1. MCLUSKY - To Hell With Good Intentions 2. NIRVANA - You Know You’re Right 3. THE LIBERTINES - Up The Bracket Music Desk’s choice - BEN KWELLER - Wasted But Ready DJ SHADOW - Six Days (Remix) Editor’s choice - SUGABABES - Freak Like Me

ALBUM OF THE YEAR 1. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS - By The Way 2. RIVAL SCHOOLS - United By Fate 3. THE STREETS - Original Pirate Material Music Desk’s choice - COLDPLAY - A Rush Of Blood To The Head 2 MANY DJS - As Heard On Radio Soulwax Part 2 Editor’s choice - THE FLAMING LIPS - Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots

BEST LOCAL BAND 1. MELYS 2. MCLUSKY 3. JARCREW Music Desk’s choice - THE TOE MCLUSKY Editor’s choice - WATERSHED / SMALL VICTORIES

BEST LIVE ACT 1. THE POLYPHONIC SPREE 2. GREEN DAY 3. THE ICARUS LINE Music Desk’s choice - THE WHITE STRIPES MOGWAI Editor’s choice - DOVES

BEST NEWCOMERS 1. YEAH YEAH YEAHS 2. THE EIGHTIES MATCHBOX B-LINE DISASTER 3. THE MUSIC Music Desk’s choice - AQUALUNG CLOUD DEAD Editor’s choice - YEAH YEAH YEAHS

SEXIEST MALE OF THE YEAR

SEXIEST FEMALE OF THE YEAR

GOD OF THE YEAR 1. DAVE GROHL 2. DIDZ HAMMOND (THE COOPER TEMPLE CLAUSE) 3. TORI AMOS Music Desk’s choice - MARILYN MANSON BOARDS OF CANADA DUO Editor’s choice - MARK OWEN (IF HE MANAGES TO MAKE A REAL COMEBACK)

KNOBBER OF THE YEAR 1. GARETH GATES 2. DAVE GROHL 3. MICHAEL JACKSON Music Desk’s choice - ROBBIE “CUNTING” WILLIAMS Editor’s choice- THE CHEEKY GIRLS

BEST LOCAL VENUE 1. BARFLY 2. CLWB IFOR BACH 3. TJ’S, NEWPORT Music Desk’s choice - BARFLY Editor’s choice - BARFLY

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nother year gone with a mixture of highs and lows for the music world. So while visions of Santa, sugarplums and PlayStation2 dance in our heads, let us remember some of our favourite albums of 2002...

BETH GIBBONS & RUSTIN MAN Out Of Season Go! Beat Out Of Season sounds hauntingly timeless, as if traced from the very roots of music; these are melodies and arrangements which are so organic and instinctive that they seem to have always existed. The songs are channelled through the pure, essential feeling of Gibbons’ voice, set off perfectly by the oblique sparseness of the music. Side projects were never meant to be so good. Alex Macpherson

2 MANY DJ’S As Heard On Radio Soulwax Part 2 PIAS 2002 was the year of the bootleg and everyone was at it, but no one mastered the art of the cut up as well as the two blokes from Soulwax. Taking twice as long to clear legally as to create musically, this labour of love spliced and diced recent gems with old classics.

Destiny’s Child go for a Dreadlock Holiday with 10cc, Skee-Lo gets jiggy with The Breeders and Dolly Parton works out with Royksopp. Possibly the greatest mix album ever. Andy Parsons

BRIGHT EYES Lifted Wichita Alt.country at its very best, courtesy of the young and criminally talented Conor Oberst. Lifted is 70 minutes of bitter introspection and cautionary narrative, accompanied by a lush background of the acoustic and the orchestrated and sung with disturbingly troubled honesty. Emotionally turbulent genius. Rob Jackson

MCLUSKY Mclusky Do Dallas Label 2002 saw the return of Mclusky, bringing with them once more Andy Falkous’ heart-stopping buzz-saw riffs, chained down by Jon Chapel’s dungeon-dark bass to breathtaking effect. It was their debut times a trillion, the real rock album of the year and featured a song called Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues. Classic. Jamie Fullerton

Music

1. KYLIE 2. AVRIL LAVIGNE 3. HOLLY VALANCE Music Desk’s choice - SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR BETH ORTON Editor’s choice - MS DYNAMITE

1. BLAZIN’ SQUAD 2. THE KENNEDY SOUNDTRACK 3. STEREOPHONICS Music Desk’s choice - POP RIVALS WINNERS BIG BROVAZ Editor’s choice - NICKELBACK

round up

1. DAVE GROHL (FOO FIGHTERS) 2. JACK WHITE (THE WHITE STRIPES) 3. NELLY Music Desk’s choice - MARK F (WESTLIFE) RYJAN KIDWELL (CEX) Editor’s choice - EVAN DANDO (irrelevant but still lovely)

WORST BAND OF THE YEAR

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SEASON’S GREETINGS! ‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE, NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MOUSE...

And ‘why?’, I hear you ask.Because they were all engrossed in the books recommended by the books page, that’s why Tis the season to be jolly, so while the family feuds rage on around you, ignore them all and curl up by the fireside with a damn good book!

Not content with catering to the sexual deviants amongst you, we offer the opportunity for you to get in touch with your spiritual sides, travel the world, and get serious with death, destruction and corruption. There’s even a modern day Christmas story involving everyone’s favourite degenerate disease.

What more could you want? Merry Christmas, dear readers!

Is Franzen putting things right?

THE CORRECTIONS Jonathan Franzen (Fourth Estate)

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he Corrections is set around the Lambert family, Enid, Alfred and their three grownup children, and the American midwestern city of St. Jude.

Enid is struggling to come to terms with what her family has become; her two sons and daughter have moved from their home to the East coast, and in their own way have disappointed their mother.

Alfred is just struggling - he is slowly losing his body to Parkinson’s disease and his mind to dementia.

Raised in the Mid-west, in an age where ‘values’ were regarded highly, Enid endeavours to resolve the conflict between their small world and the more cosmopolitan world that her progeny occupy by having one last family Christmas in

WEAK EROS David Greenslade (Parthian)

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eak Eros is the latest collection of work form the widely published “enfant terrible of Anglo-Welsh poetry” David Greenslade. With a number of poetry publications already under his belt, along with a selection of prose, non-fiction and children’s books, David Greenslade will also be known to students of this hallowed institution for his work as a creative writing tutor in the English department.

Weak Eros is a collection of poems dealing with love, lust, erotic passions and as such, a new direction for his poetry.

Rather than just dealing with sex and passion, Weak Eros has a much broader brief, examing the weaknesses and fantasies that plague the mind. That Night, “Your husband would be gone we wanted to try each other out.” deals with fleeting adultery and it’s swift conclusion, The Car Behind “I see her driving the car behind, seeing forces me to look again” is the tale of a passing fancy and Moving Books “I came across your letters- and a job that should have taken hours became

St. Jude. Social class is a recurring theme in the novel.

The book explores the main characters in depth; a scene can change from the present to an event in the character’s past very quickly in a ‘flashback’ style. At first this can be confusing, but once the reader is acclimatised to the writing technique, it makes the book very appealing. Each chapter is a miniature biography of each character, by the end of which the reader feels as if they know the character quite intimately.

There are only seven chapters in the book thus there are no obvious breaks in the text and so it is a challenging book to read - there is even a reading guide on the publisher’s website. At over six hundred and fifty pages you get the impression that the writer was being a bit self indulgent - new individuals are constantly being introduced to

a covenant of holidays” recounts the painful reminders of lost love.

A particular favourite in this collection is Curious Questions, a true story based on a time when Greenslade was asked by another poet whether or not Welsh people dreamed in Welsh, and perhaps ultimately, “Do you make love in Welsh?” Its conclusion is both a witty and a stinging rebuke to a stupid question.

At times witty, at times bittersweet and at other times full of longing and passion, David Greenslade manages to tackle all the emotions that spring from desire and love, weaving them into an intriguing and beguiling collection of poems.

Rob Jackson

DIVING GIRLS Jo Mazelis (Parthian)

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his first collection of short stories from Swansea born author Mazelis is fresh, funny and at times even shocking. The majority of the seventeen strange (and often very, very short) tales centre around the modern lives of Welsh people, in normal Welsh settings, who are faced with extraordinary scenarios.

There is the man who becomes so obsessed with his tongue he can’t sleep at night, the woman on the train who spies a flock of starlings in the shape of a heart, and the young

the reader. This, at times, causes the novel to stall; it can feel irrelevant to the story and can be off putting. However, the writing is always fresh and full of close observation and so the plot never stagnates.

It is very much an American novel, but do not be put off by this.

The book is a reflection on American society; it questions modern attitudes and standards in an amusing yet provocative manner. The writing is very powerful - it is extremely witty and intelligent and moving. The book is character driven and not plot driven (so if you are after a Bond-style thriller this is not for you) which makes this a very sophisticated novel to read.

If you have read Eureka Street

by Belfast author Robert McLiam Wilson you would enjoy this book very much. Andy Lightfoot

girl who discovers her startling Nazi ancestry. All the character’s are superbly written and become more three-dimensional with each page. They are quirky, real and Mazelis’ amazing talent lies in her ability to replicate the exact speech of the regular people you are likely to meet in a Cardiff bar or on Aberystwyth beach.

All the settings are familiar and described in unusual detail and yet are not dreamy or overly metaphorical as can so often be the case.

These places, like the characters, are sober, authentic and very ‘now’. Another of the writer’s obvious talents lies in the comedy of the pieces.

It borders on the black side, the bold realities of fatalities, selfishness and adultery are all made slightly humourous, but she never crosses the line into offensiveness. My personal favourite of the collection was Running Away With The Hairdresser, which stands out with a nasty, sinister edge. It focuses on a man having an affair with a married woman. The woman has a whinging little boy who the man cannot stand and then one day the boy ‘unfortunately’ falls down a disused mine shaft. The moral dilemma arises: will the man save him or not? It is bleakly comical, and the character’s internal struggle is almost Shakespearian. Flock too is exceptionally good; a weird anecdote about a lonely woman who thinks she may have found love on the Cardiff to Newport rail line but it’s just fate (and some feathered friends) messing around with her mind!

A couple of the stories recall some of Ian McEwan’s shorter works with their undercurrents of sex, death and unhealthy obsession. They can be dark, twisted and paradoxically down-toearth and mundane.

In this book Mazelis shows not only subtle wit and a rare gift for gripping storytelling, but also the powerful truth about human nature and some truly memorable characters. We are there with them all the way, laughing, cringing and flinching at their problems and discoveries.

Melanie Harrison

Swimmingly good read

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GRiP I Was A Teenage Dominatrix: A Memoir Shawna Kenney (Corgi Books)

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THE CUTTING ROOM Louise Welsh (Canongate)

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avies has mastered the art of travel writing with his eventful and very amusing description of a journey down Route 66.

Driving his car through the American Midwest, New Mexico and California he brings the popular image of the American road trip to life and relates

some of the famous history of the areas through which he travelled, such as the crisis in the 1930’s when the Tennessee Valley quite literally became a dustbowl.

The people he meets along the way are equally as interesting as the places he describes, especially the mysterious Martha, the Australian hitchhiker who becomes his travel companion for the majority of his journey, and who never seems to tire of springing surprises on the unsuspecting Davies. The story of Davies’ journey becomes something of a soap opera once Martha becomes involved, but is filled with twists and surprises that abruptly throw the reader back into reality. He also meets Jameson, an ex-computer broker from New York who gave up everything he had to relive the American dream. But as Davies so rightly points out, Jameson is simply: ‘escaping one American dream for another,’ in quitting his big-money job for the chance to feel fulfilled moving around the small towns of the American Midwest.

This is an entertaining novel and should appeal to anyone who is interested in American life, history and comic road trips, but Davies’ also has a serious message that says a great deal about the issue of freedom in America: that the freeways have always been an escape route, the essence of the American dream, and they have always held the promise of a better future, wherever they lead those who use them.

Josey Gist

SEX, LIES, VIDEOTAPE AND A ROADTRIP

Books

FREEWAYS Lewis Davies (PARTHIAN)

get this, a customer asked for decaff but she could only be bothered to get them a regular coffee. Crazy, man, crazy. If only this detail had been applied to her sole thoughts on her transsexual clients, merely “If there was a god, why would he create beings in the wrong bodies? It causes them such frustration”. Keen to persuade us of her strong anti-racist credentials, later, a black customer begs and pays to be racially abused. She can’t do it but it passes without comment.

Why constantly tell a reader how educated you are, whilst passing arch-shit like this?

Perhaps Kenney’s stated delight in having earned so much money for such ‘easy work’ is now being applied in publishing. At least we’ve paid less for the privilege of being shat on. Nick McDonald

reviews

he Cutting Room is Louise Welsh’s first novel, and one that gained her a nomination as ‘Britain’s Best First Novelists 2002’. The Guardian called it “a great read”, where you are “hooked from page one”. This is certainly true; Welsh’s brilliant prose style keeps you needing to turn the page and find out what happens next.

The story focuses on Rilke, an auctioneer who, when asked to clear out an elderly man’s house, discovers a huge collection of erotica, including what appears to be snuff pornography from the 1940s. Rilke feels compelled to discover more about the unfortunate girl in the pictures, and he begins a quest to find out about her, and if she really was murdered.

The novel is set in contemporary Glasgow, and after reading it, you won’t be tempted to go and visit there. We are shown a bleak and depressing city corrupted by prostitution, drugs and crime, where ‘camera clubs’ charge men £40 a night to go and take polaroids of a young girl in her swimsuit. As Rilke finds out more about the seedy practices behind his 40s photographs, he also finds out that such practices are prevalent in modern day Glasgow – they will continue as long as there are those willing to exploit the vulnerable.

Welsh presents the reader with a wide cast of amusing characters, including Les, the transvestite drug dealer who likes to dress up in a “red dress with a … plunging neckline” and sip champagne, and Rose, Rilke’s boss, with her penchant for red wine, Dunhill cigarettes and bright scarlet lipstick. These people leap off the page, excellently constructed by Welsh’s words, providing a contrast and relief from the unrelenting grimness of the main storyline. Rilke himself is an interesting man, who it is hard to like at times because of his uncaring attitude towards others. A homosexual, Welsh chronicles his encounters in the city’s parks and bars to show how his casual attitude to sex and drugs is at odds with the disgust he feels about people who deal in pornography.

A warning though, this is not a book for the fainthearted. Several passages describe the photographs in all their horrific detail, and later we are treated to a description of Rilke’s encounter with a younger boy that is quite graphic. They are beautifully written throughout, yet some would find them quite shocking. You think it can’t get any worse, but then you turn a page, and find that oh yes, it can.

A cleverly constructed twist provides The Cutting Room with a satisfying ending, although after putting it down, the general feeling one is left with is that of depression; that nothing in life ever really changes, and there is always another young girl, another photograph. It will be interesting to see, after this grim and unrelenting debut of murder, depravity and corruption, what the topic of Welsh’s next book can be. Helen Dorritt

ome men pay handsomely to be wrapped in a nappy, suspended from the ceiling by their frenulum and violated with an aubergine. Some people pay £5.99 for the privilege of this book but I’m sure which offers better value for money.

I Was A Teenage Dominatrix promises a true life memoir of an alternative method of college funding but stripped bare, is really a trumped up Judy Blume story with mildly titillating anecdote. To complain about content would be churlish, if it didn’t set itself up as anything other than the fabulously pulpy cover suggests. Unfortunately, as a ‘sassy’ and ‘intelligent’ account, it’s just plain shoddy.

Indeed, for the publishers’ sake, one hopes Kenney was paid by the hour for this too, for all the thought and effort that’s gone into it.

As a mere parade of clients and invoices, there are slim pickings to, er, get your teeth into, especially as Kenney remains such a distant voice.

Instead we can marvel at her contradictions and almost psychopathic inverted snobbery, often coming across like the worst of Elizabeth Wurtzel.

Kenney remains keen to stress the importance of ‘punk rock’ in her life, venturing even to thank it in her acknowledgements, typically suggesting that “Punk rock sensibilities had kept me from fretting over the social acceptability of my exterior” and closing chapters with “Went home and read Rollins, vowing to grow into the rage-driven

monster he calls himself. I needed those words”. We sure as hell don’t, though far more entertaining is her encounters with student journalism.

Infiltrating the male enclave she finds, it serves as an epiphany for her and a far more satisfying trade. This will be news to all who’ve found it a particularly rigorous form of masochism.

Oh, for some pulp irony or some kind of discussion on life as a dominatrix or the clientele. Instead, I Was A Teenage Dominatrix reads like a cliched coming of age story, with only the author’s pretension for light relief. The fantasies and hypocrisy of the submissive clients are nothing compared to Kenney’s blinkered hackery. Completely self absorbed, she repeatedly stresses how hard she studies and what a post-feminist hero she’s become, without the merest hint of self-analysis. I longed for some thoughts on the sexualities she encounters or on her obvious, though never explored, interest in feminism. A penny drops when “One day in a session, it just all got to me. I was uncomfortable, dammit! My toes were pinched in narrow stilettos, my waist cinched by a corset – I thought, wait a minute, HE’s the one who’s supposed to be in bondage”.

And yet, rather than pursue this, she devotes a whole page to a waitressing ‘anecdote’ when,

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Four hours a week? Pah! Tune in here for your proper timetable, an essential guide to the next 12 days’ mostly non-essential viewing.

Murder, Björk, Seaman and Sci-Fi Geeks Monday 9 December

Weekone

Sometimes, in this cruel, cruel world we like to call TV, one comes across a listing which makes the late nights and abuse from Sports Desk all worthwhile. Robbie Williams Is My Son (five, Sunday 15 December, 8.00pm) is one such listing.

Quite why Pete Williams, the cursed conduit for the spermatozoa that unhappily became said gurning poprocker fool, has chosen to own up to this revolting relationship is beyond me. If I’d spawned the man that gave us the lyrics

“I’ve sung some songs that were lame, I’ve slept with girls on the game” I’d be keeping pretty fucking quiet about it, I can tell you.

Mind you, it should be good for a laugh, particularly as their father and son relationship has never been particularly fatherly or sonly (they’ve only just made up after 25 years fighting). Hopefully, Old Dad will be so bitter about not seeing a penny of his son’s millions he’ll be more than willing to spill the dirt on his prodigal son.

There are some people in this world who, for some strange reason, don’t like SciFi TV programmes. To those people I say: watch Farscape (BBC2, Monday 16 December, 6.45pm), oh you fooles, and be converted.

Yeah, so programmes set in spaceships might be the height of cliche, but Farscape manages to break every single one of them; the aliens actually look abnormal, as opposed to just badly bewigged, the two leads

practically combust with sexual tension (Kirk and Uhura ain’t got nuthin’ on John and Aeryn) and the plot lines don’t automatically reset after each ker-ay-zee adventure, a la the original and actually quite shite Star Trek. They’ve even got their own language of swear words, fit for every occasion.

Now, you could dismiss this as the rantings of one lone geek but you’d be wrong. I’m lucky enough to be backed by a whole legion of geeks - the Sci-Fi Society to be exact. So don’t mess, or we’ll come round to your house and beat you up with our Buffy action figures. (By the way, if threats of violence haven’t put you off the world of Sci-Fi fandom, you might like to join the society on Tuesdays in the Pen & Wig. I’m sure they’re very nice.)

Speaking of wigs (it took me seconds to think of that), David Seaman - The Real Story (BBC1, Wednesday 18 December, 10.45pm) comes to our small, cruddy screens. It promises to reveal the man behind the gloves and the

a life-affirming vitality.

Accompanied by the Brodsky Quartet and knobtwiddler Mark Bell, it’s a mind-warping mix of the electronic and the classical, the glacial and the warm all topped off by that voice, swooping and pouncing like the untamed creature it is.

And if you don’t cry during her encore of Jóga, you have no soul, you fucking philistine.

From the sublime to the ridiculous - Diagnosis Murder (BBC1, Monday Friday, 2.10pm) is back!

Praise Sherlock, for my days have been unnervingly empty without the wacky adventures of Dr Mark Sloane and his gang of doctors and policemen who do anything and everything apart from policing or doctoring.

It’s a testament to the skill of the show’s writers that the intellect inside the the pony tail. Promising fascinating interviews with the likes of Micheal Owen and Svenny.

We are assured a delving insight into the real world of Seaman.

Now, children. There exist, among us, a few unfortunate souls who are cursed with an affliction they can hardly bear.

It’s one explored in Real Life: Addicted To Love (ITV1, Thursday 19 December, 11.30pm), though to be honest that’s a cop-out of a title, for the subjects of this undoubtedly sensitive and intelligent documentary are addicted not to love, but to SEX. Yes, they’ve just gotta have it - by hook or by crook, and sometimes by both. Pity these poor lambs; it’s a tough life, finding excuses for the way you just can’t help fucking around.

increasingly bizarre storylines always resolve neatly and concisely in the last three minutes, leaving you with a pleasantly satisfied feeling as you munch your lunch.

Just try not to throw it up at the sight of The Mingingest Man in the World™, Steve Sloane, the unfortunate product of a failed breeding experiement between a tangerine and a breezeblock.

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals (029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

And finally, your televisual gift this Christmas comes courtesy of Later With Jools Holland (BBC2, Friday 20 December, 11.50pm), which digs into its extensive archives to present us with the best of the past decade. PJ Harvey, Coldplay, Mary J Blige and Radiohead will be yummy treats for you; meanwhile, you can take a well-earned coffee break during the unfortunate interludes of The Verve and the Fool Williams.

So, all that remains before we wrap proceedings up is for us to distance ourselves from TV Amy’s forays into the world of sci-fi (the girl knows not what she does) and to wish all of our loyal fans a very merry Christmas season, with the emphasis firmly on ‘merry’.

What’s this? TV Desk being nice? Fret not, fuckers - ‘tis but a blip on our radar screen.

Weektwo

Television

gangsta types. Lots of swearing and intense scenes, but also genuinely hilarious. Watch it, or Tony will “whack” you. Got that?

Moving on, this week is a very special one, for we bring you a double-whammy of your favourite Icelandic auteur, Ms Björk Gu∂mundsdóttir herself.

First, she joins forces with fellow Scandinavian mentalist Lars von Trier for Dancer In The Dark (S4C, Tuesday 10 December, 2.40am), quite possibly the most emotionally draining film ever made. The number of people who have excelled at both acting and singing is

minuscule; you could say that Björk’s tour de force performance here qualifies her, but as von Trier commented: throughout, it’s clear that she isn’t acting, but feeling. Which, combined with von Trier’s adherence to the Dogme 95 rules, makes for a disturbingly instinctive, compellingly raw film punctuated at intervals, of course, by madcap musical numbers which showcase Björk’s incredible voice to superb effect. Including the most devastating version of My Favourite Things you will ever hear.

If all that makes want to kill yourself, fear not. Björk: Live in Cambridge (S4C, Wednesday 11 December, 1.25am) is a far more joyous affair. The gig was recorded during the tour for her 1997 masterpiece Homogenic, and fizzes with

pickings

Rather like Michael Jackson’s face, TV Desk has changed beyond all recognition with a brand spanking new look. Unlike Michael Jackson’s face, it won’t scare small children though it might warp their fragile minds if they were to catch sight of the heinous swearwords contained herein.

But we’re all consenting adults here, so let’s get on with it, starting with The Sopranos (S4C, Monday 9 December 1.35am). Hey you. You’re a fucking schmuck. You hear me.

Watch the Sopranos. Badda bing. Excellent stuff from

Friday 21 December

elevision

GRiP

22

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Monday 9 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 Eureka TV 4.30 Ace Lightning 4.55 Blue Peter 5.20 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Michelle is caught in a lie. Naughty girl. Is she still the evil wench she was three years ago? I’m not very up to date here.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Holiday Riz Lateef explores Lake Garda. Ooh, TV Desk has holidayed in those parts. Very nice they were too.

7.30 4 x 4 Reports 8.00 EastEnders Charlie and Peggy decide to rebel against their families. Kat and Anthony find it impossible to hide their feelings for each other. Oh, god.

I’d say ‘fnarr’, but it’s just too disgusting.

8.30 Airport 9.00 Merseybeat 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 999 11.15 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 11.45 Liquid News 12.15 FILM: Urban Cowboy 2.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Mosaico Hispanico 6.30 Wendepunkte 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Sn**ker: UK Championship 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Sn**ker: UK Championship 7.30 Time Flyers: In Search of Offa's Dyke 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Blood of the Vikings: Rulers 9.00 Dead Ringers 9.30 tlc Surreal comedy series set in a nightmarish hospital.

Bet it’s not as good as The Kingdom, the Lars Von Trier late-night soap opera unfortunately not currently being broadcast. Now that’s surreal.

10.00 I'm Alan Partridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Sn**ker: UK Championship 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered?

12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Ever Wondered? 1.30 Glasgow 1998 - Supporting the Arts 2.00 Secondary Schools: Study Ireland 4.00 Languages: Work Talk 2: France 5.00 Working for Yourself: Has the Dot-Com Bubble Burst?

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go... Under the Hammer 2.30 Bric a Brac 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Fingertips 4.05 As Told by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Britain's Brainiest Kids 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Edna's neighbour from hell moves in.

Oh, is J-Ho seeking to cement her girl-next-door act? 7.30 Coronation Street On the day of her wedding, Sally is torn between two lovers. Fnarr!

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 FILM: Outbreak 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 FILM: Outbreak 12.05 The Premiership on Monday 12.55 Champions League Weekly 1.20 Football League Extra 2.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.50 The New Addams Family 3.15 The Web Review 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.05 Entertainment Now! 4.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.30 Viva S Club 4.55 SMart 5.20 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Karl and Susan relive some adolescent fun. Ugh. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Linda Green Linda discovers that she has a lot in common with her new boyfriend's ex. Such as the way they went out with the same man! Quelle coincidence.

9.30 They Think 2002 Is All Over 10.00 BBC News 10.35 The Exchange with Huw Edwards 11.05 The Royle Family at Christmas 11.35 Fame Academy Uncunt 12.05 FILM: Chicago Cab 1.40 Sign Zone 4.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 6.30 Looking at What Happens in Hospital People die of neglect, I’d hazard. And medics run around. Avoid if possible. 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Sn**ker: UK Championship 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Sn**ker: UK Championship 5.15 Weakest Link USA Just received a parcel from an American, addressed to ‘Cardiff, England’.

Oops. 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 In this special edition, Celine Dion introduces her past hits and unveils new material. Gah! Get the squarejawed bint off our screens and back into the pit of hell where she belongs.

6.45 Sn**ker: UK Championship 7.30 Hidden Gardens 8.00 Home Front 9.00 Tomorrow La Scala! But today, the increasingly unhygienic gair rhydd office. *sigh* 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Sn**ker: UK Championship 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

Frasier S4C 12.40am

Bootylicious S4C 12.05am

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.30 Montel 10.00 King of the Hill 10.30 FILM: I Wake Up Screaming ...when the fucking postman wakes me up at 7fucking-30am with parcels.

Cnut. 12.00 Cheers 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team Digs... The Romans (Part 2) But did the Romans dig Time Team? 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 8.30 Portreadau: Ted Breeze Jones 9.00 Welsh in a Week 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 V Graham Norton CNUT! 11.05 Faking It 12.05 Bootylicious 1.05 Alt-TV 1.35 The Sopranos 2.35 The Sopranos 3.35 FILM: The Lawless Breed Why is S4C always a week behind Channel 4 with good films and shit? Are Welsh people really that backward?

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Dig and Dug 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas Oh, Xmas can fuck off this year. It’s tacky and vulgar. And I am Scrooge. 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: The Wrong Man 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Sally continues to go behind Fisher's back. Fnarr!

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 World's Greatest Oil Rig 8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: Luck of the Draw 10.55 The FBI Files: Cruel Deception 12.00 NFL Update 12.35 Kick Boxing 1.30 Boxing 2.20 V8 Supercars 3.10 Motorsport Mundial 3.35 Argentinian Football

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go... Under the Hammer 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 MaryKate and Ashley in Action!

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are the New Satans, and must be stopped before they take over the world. Evil American brat girls. 4.35 Clueless 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Britain's Brainiest Kids 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live: Arsenal v Valencia “Hmm. It’s at Highbury. Valencia will score, and so will Arsenal. I think you’re looking at a 2-2 draw” an oddly unbiased Sports Desk.

9.50 The Frank Skinner Show 10.40 ITV News at Ten 11.10 Countdown to the Comedy Awards 2002 11.55 Champions League 12.55 Strictly Soho 1.20 The Machine 1.45 Wyclef Jean in Profile 2.10 Champions League: Barcelona v Newcastle United 3.50 World Sport 4.15 Football League Extra 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.30 Montel 10.05 FILM: The Blue Dahlia 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.45 Edward and Mary: The Unknown Tudors Oi! No dissing Bloody Mary! Catholic bigot and foul old maid she may have been, but you don’t want to get on the wrong side of anyone who executed that many people. Come to think of it, she was the Dubya of her time... 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Canrif Y Ceffyl Cymreig 9.00 Jamie's Kitchen CNUT! 10.00 Treflan 11.10 V Graham Norton CNUT! 11.40 More Sex Tips for Girls “Don’t give a hand-job if you’ve got long nails” - TV Steve, giving us too much information. “Choose a man with a beard” - Gemma, with certain things on her mind.

“Despite what blokes say, you can never be too gentle” Sports Desk, who clearly likes a lighter touch. “Just lie back and think of England” - an unimpressed TV Amy. 12.10 Scrubs 12.40 Frasier 1.10 Offenders 1.40 Offenders 2.10 The Art Show: Revolt in Homes 2.40 FILM: Dancer in the Dark Watch this. Just do it.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Dig and Dug 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: With Six You Get Eggroll Translations on a postcard, please. 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Scalpel Safari 9.00 Hitler's Britain: Resistance 10.00 FILM: In the Shadow of Evil 11.50 12.45 NFL: Game of the Week: Miami Dolphins v Chicago Bears American football is rugby for nancies.

Body armour - pah. “It’s one long advertisement”, sniffs Sports Desk, preferring instead to wax lyrical about, um, curling.

“It was amazing!” Yes, we’re sure it was. 4.05 European Drag Racing Championship Is this racing in drag, as its name implies? That would be fabulous. Darling. 4.30 Dutch Football

Tuesday 10 December

23

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Wednesday 11 December BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.30 Stacey Stone 4.55 Blue Peter 5.20 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 Best Inventions 7.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 8.00 Animal Hospital 8.30 Alistair McGowan's Big Impression: Christmas Special Oh goodo, the Christmas mania starts already. And with Alistair McfeckingGowan, no less.

9.00 The Life of Mammals: Chisellers 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Love on the Rock 11.05 FILM: Under Siege 12.45 FILM: Living in Fear 2.20 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 3.05 Sign Zone: Sahara with Michael Palin 4.05 Sign Zone 4.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: West Africa: Art and Identities 6.50 Ever Wondered? 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Sn**ker: UK Championship 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News; Weather 4.00 Sn**ker: UK Championship 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 Featuring the Rolling Stones and Dionne Warwick. Respectively: craggy ex-gods who should have stopped 30 years ago but were and always will be better than the Beatles and legend.

6.45 Sn**ker: UK Championship 7.30 Birding with Bill Oddie 8.00 The Life Laundry 8.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 9.00 Reputations: Marie Antoinette 9.50 Babyfather 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Paxman. 11.20 Sn**ker: UK Championship Three, count ‘em, three helpings of the sport Beelzebub himself watches today. When will the horror end?

12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: In Pursuit of Pleasure 1.00 A New Way of Life 1.30 Surviving Cities 2.00 Secondary Schools 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working for Yourself: Management Problems

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go...

Under the Hammer 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Titch 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.05 Hey Arnold! 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Taggart 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 2DTV 10.55 Champions League 11.55 FILM: Marnie 2.10 Champions League: Manchester United v Deportivo La Coruna 3.45 International Motor Racing 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Have you seen Xpress Radio’s ad campaign round the Union building? They seem to be selling themselves on the fact that they don’t swear. Fooles!

That’s no way to win over an audience! They should draw inspiration from the roaring success (Yeah right - Reality Check Ed) of TV Desk and bask in glorious expletives.

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.30 The Wild Thornberrys 4.55 SMart 5.20 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

7.00 Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders The Beales prepare for Steven's return. What? He’s been away about three seconds! Send the little shit back!

8.00 My Family 8.30 Judge John Deed 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time

6.00 Open University 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.30 Science Zone 11.50 Living with Dyspraxia 12.20 Afoot Again in the Past 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Snooker: UK Championship 2.40 Westminster Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Snooker: UK Championship 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Sn**ker: UK Championship 7.30 Match of the Day Live: Liverpool v Vitesse Arnhem 9.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.00 The League of Gentlemen 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Sn**ker 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science 1.05 Truth Will Out 1.25 Cell City 2.00 Healing the Whole 2.30 Hubbard Brook 3.00 The Cretaceous Greenhouse 3.30 Curriculum Development 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working for Yourself: The Future

11.35 FILM: Best Seller .

1.10 Sign Zone 2.10 Joins BBC News 24

Solid Geometry S4C 11.35pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.30 Montel 10.05 King of the Hill 10.35 FILM: Edge of Eternity 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Scrapheap Challenge 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Haf Ganol Gaeaf 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Yr Eisteddfod Arall 9.00 Property Ladder 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.35 Brookside 12.05 Sex and the City 12.45 Sex and the City 1.25 Bjork Live in Cambridge Hurrah! Snort some crushed Pro-Plus pills to keep yourself awake and buzzing so you can enjoy this aural treat in the wee small hours. Make sure you’ve got some tissues though (not in that way you perv) as Jóga will make you bawl like a teeny tiny baby. Well, it did me anyway.

2.25 To Die for... Cigarettes 3.20 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Wise and Wonderful 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Flight of the Albatross 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Animals on Film 9.00 FILM: Mary Shelley's Frankenstein Hang on - wasn’t this on last week? I seem to remember writing about the lovely image of a mutilated Helena Bonham Carter. 11.25 California Escorts 12.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 12.30 La Femme Nikita 1.15 NHL Ice Hockey Live 4.00 Ironman Triathlon 4.50 Mastercraft European Wakeboard Championship 5.35 Fastrax

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go...

Under the Hammer 2.30 Presenters Revisited 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.15 Out There 4.30 Harry and the Wrinklies 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Britain's Brainiest Kids Oh god, I bet they’ll be pretentious little shites that think they’re about 45. With the added torture of Tess Daly.

Avoid on pain of insanity.

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.30 Montel 10.05 Say It with Flowers 10.10 FILM: The Man Between 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Gwib 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Bryn Seren 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Criw Babalw 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 A Place in the Sun 2.15 Location, Location, Location 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Noc Noc 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Dudley 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Haf Ganol Gaeaf 8.30 Naw Tan Naw 9.00 The Real Princess Anne 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.30 Slaymaker 11.05 Eurotrash 11.35 Solid Geometry An utterly bizarre programme that will hurt your head with its pseudo-philosophy but soothe your eyes and troubled soul with the pleasing sight of Mr Ewan McGregor’s fine little arse. 12.15 Alias 1.10 The Other Side 2.10 FILM: The Way to the Stars 4.10 First Person

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Wise and Wonderful 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Love at Large 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles Still here are you, Christopher? *Sigh* Even the formerly godlike Graham Norton has been strangled by the pressure of being funny five nights a week.

Why haven’t you, dammit?

7.30 five news 7.45 UEFA Cup Football: Leeds United v Malaga 10.05 FILM: Velocity Trap 11.50 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.30 UEFA Cup Football: Leeds United v Malaga 2.05 Dutch Football: De Graafschap v Ajax 3.40 Five Football Classic: Slovan Liberec v Liverpool 5.10 Boxing: Fight of the Week John Leslie vs Michael Barrymore. Ooo...topical!

(Kinda.)

7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Wire in the Blood 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Crime Secrets 11.30 HTV News Review 12.30 Night and Day 1.25 ITV at the Festivals 2002 2.20 Lenny Kravitz in Profile 2.45 Mixmasters 3.10 Cybernet 3.40 Popped in, Crashed Out 4.05 Get Stuffed 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

Thursday 12 December

Television

BBC1

Björk Live in Cambridge S4C 1.25am

elevision

GRiP

24

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Friday 13 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 As Time Goes By 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 4.55 Blue Peter 5.20 Lame Academy 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport David Campese is on the panel this week. Let him win, Sue, or he’ll stamp on your neck and urinate on you. Of course Sue might enjoy this...

7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Lame Academy 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Lame Academy 11.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.50 FILM: Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight 1.15 FILM: The Creeping Flesh 2.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Spiral of Silence 6.30 Open Advice - The University without Walls 7.00 CBBC: Rotten Ralph 7.10 The Raccoons 7.35 Jeopardy 8.00 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.05 Call the Shots 8.30 The Wayne Manifesto 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Romuald the Reindeer 9.25 Angelmouse 9.30 Fimbles 9.50 Teletubbies Count to Christmas; Pingu 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Teletubbies 10.50 Storytime 11.05 Maths Challenge 11.20 Words and Pictures 11.35 Hands Up! 11.50 Zig Zag 12.20 Zig Zag Shorts - France 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Snooker: UK Championship 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Snooker 7.10 Scrum V Live: Llanelli v Sale 30 closet homosexuals grope each other in mud. Sue me.

9.30 Building the Impossible: The First Airship 10.20 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight 11.35 Snooker “Higgins, attempting to screw the black in the bottom pocket...”

3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go...

Under the Hammer 2.30 HTV Wales News Extra 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Art Attack 4.05 As Told

by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Britain's Brainiest Kids 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald Exclusive interviews, headline-making investigations and the hidden angles on major news stories. Yeah. Bollocks.

8.30 FILM: Speed 2: Cruise Control Keanu, you were well out of this. Utter shite. The best thing about this is the title.

Ahh..it’s a CRUISE ship you see..eh? eh?

10.50 ITV Weekend News 11.20 Tarrant on TV 11.50 Diversity 12.20 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 12.50 Dial-a-Date 1.20 FILM: Darklands 3.00 Entertainment Now! 3.25 Jewel in Profile 3.55 World Football 4.45 Get Stuffed 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Count to Christmas; Clifford the Big Red Dog 6.20 Arthur 6.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 7.10 Super Duper Sumos 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.00 Looney Tunes 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.10 Racing from Haydock Park 2.30 Rugby Union: Leicester v Beziers 4.30 Wales on Saturday 5.20 BBC News; Weather 5.35 Wales Today 5.40 My Family 6.10 FILM: Big Daddy The moving story of fat and currently dead wrestler “Big Daddy”.

Includes the battle with his nemesis “Giant Haystacks”.

7.35 The National Lottery 8.10 Casualty 9.00 Only Fools and Horses 10.15 BBC News; Weather 10.35 Elton John at the Royal Opera House 11.40 FILM: Miami Rhapsody 1.10 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 1.55 They Think 2002 Is All Over 2.25 A Question of Sport

6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 BBC News 9.10 HARDtalk 10.00 Saturday Kitchen Live 11.30 The Sky at Night 11.50 Afoot Again in the Past 12.00 See Hear on Saturday 12.45 Carmina Burana 1.55 The Great Romances of the Twentieth Century 2.40 Ironside 3.10 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 3.40 Perry Mason 5.10 Snooker 7.10 What the Papers Say 7.20 Young Dr Freud 8.10 Murder at Harvard 9.00 Snooker 10.30 Have I Got News for You Did you see Boris Johnson present this last week? It makes me think the people of Henley would elect Myra Hindley’s corpse if you stuck a blue rosette on it.

11.00 FILM: Wild Rovers The decline of Bristol’s scummy second team in non-league obscurity. Comedy.

1.05 FILM: Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye Sounds like an Oasis song. If it was it would probably involve Liam rhyming “shine” or “shee-ein” with “mine”.

Top 10 Camp Pop S4C 11.55pm

Born Sloppy S4C 12.05am

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.25 Montel 10.00 King of the Hill 10.25 FILM: Battle of the Coral Sea 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.00 Channel 4 attheraces from Cheltenham 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Yma Mae 'Nghan 8.30 Cefn Gwlad 9.00 Friends 9.30 The Osbournes 10.00 V Graham Norton At this point I would like to apologise for TV Alex and everything he has ever said. He can’t help it, he’s posh.

10.35 The Osbournes 11.05 Carling Homecoming 12.05 Born Sloppy Surely most of us are?12.50 Comedy Lab 1.20 FILM: Snow White: A Tale of Terror 3.05 Brazilian Championship Football Don’t mug yourself...oi, oi, oi !

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Havakazoo 6.50 Animal Antics 6.55 Elmo's World 7.15 Wise and Wonderful 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Alien Nation: The Enemy Within 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 To the Manor Bought 9.00 A Mind to Kill 10.55 FILM: Ultimate Desire With Martin Kemp! Likely to be jizz? (Said in a crooning style) “Trruuee!!”.

12.45 FILM: Seventh Floor 2.25 FILM: Prescription 3.55 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.00 Monsters 4.20 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Return to Middle Earth 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.05 HTV News and Weather 1.10 On the Ball 2.05 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 3.05 The Goal Rush Like a nicotine rush, but with more Barry Venison.

5.15 HTV News 5.30 ITV News 5.45 Blind Date 6.45 Popstars: The Rivals 7.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

8.45 ITV Weekend News 9.00 The British Comedy Awards The Office to clean up?

10.30 The Premiership Games and predictions to follow. Man United v West Ham. 0-1.

DiCanio to strike a majestic winner, Phil Neville to be crap.

Middlesbrough v Chelsea. 1-1.

Zola to grab late equaliser after running through Ugo Ehiogu’s legs. Southampton v Newcastle.

1-3. Shearer rises like Thora Hird at the far post. Everton v Blackburn. 2-0. Rooney to score as sub, Duff still to look like the son of Frankenstein.

12.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 12.30 The Frank Skinner Show 1.15 The District 2.00 1993 Forever 2.50 CD:UK 3.45 Dial-a-Date 4.10 Entertainment Now! 4.35 Cybernet 5.05 ITV Nightscreen Space-filling words of no consequence.

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Skiing on 4: Snowboarding and Freestyle World Cup 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sport Talk 11.00 Family Guy 11.30 Planed Plant Bach: Mot a Tom 11.45 Planed Plant Bach: Bwgan 12.00 Driven 1.00 Home Movies 1.20 Channel 4 attheraces from Cheltenham and Doncaster 3.55 Lost Worlds 5.00 Newyddion News.

5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi 7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.30 Twrio Live 8.30 Noson Lawen 9.30 Naw Tan Naw .

10.00 FILM: A Fistful of Dollars 11.55 Top 10 Camp Pop GR office’s top camp pop stars.

Tristan: “Moby, can’t work him out”. Alex: “Outkast”. Amy: “ Liberace, he was gay too”.

Rhiannon: “Stephen Gately, oh my mispent youth”. Gemma: “Richard Fairbrass”. Nick: “Daniel O’Donnel, he tried to pull my mate Gareth. He’s married. Oh, Daniel not Gareth”.

Mine: “Donny Osmond, cra-zy hor-ses, mwaaahhh! mwaaahhh!”.

1.35 The Great Reality TV Swindle 2.35 Extreme Ironing 3.30 First Person 4.00 Skiing on 4: Alpine World Cup 4.55 Unreported World “My name’s Terry and I’m a law abider”.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 You Can't Take It with You 6.35 Wildlife Photographer 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.25 Beyblade 8.50 Dan Dare 9.20 Xcalibur 9.55 Max Steel 10.25 Xena: Warrior Princess 11.20 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.15 The Edit 12.50 Popular 1.45 Harry and Cosh 2.15 Cleopatra 2525 2.45 Pop 3.15 Home and Away Omnibus 5.20 FILM: Kojak: Ariana 7.10 Charmed 8.00 Dark Angel Back to back American shite which only my flatmate likes. Might try and coax him into a game of ISS to destract him.

8.50 five news 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Law and Order 10.55 The Shield Hill Street Blues it may want to be, but this is actually ok. Expect a fair few furrowed brows and the occasional “fuck”.

11.55 FILM: The Ordeal of Patty Hearst 2.25 FILM: Honeysuckle Rose 4.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.25 First Wave 5.10 Sons and Daughters Just flicking through Champ.

Manager magazine. A bargain at only £5.49! Ooh, an interview with ex-Yeovil legend Barrington “Bodger” Belgrave....

Saturday 14 December

25

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Sunday 15 December BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 Christmas Is Coming 11.00 TV Mail 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 12.55 EastEnders 2.50 The Blue Peter Book Awards 3.35 The Life of Mammals 4.25 Points of View 4.35 Lifeline 4.45 BBC News 5.05 Regional News and Weather 5.10 Songs of Praise 5.55 Bootleg 6.45 Antiques Roadshow 7.30 Animal Hospital 8.00 The Royal Variety Performance 2002 Does the Queen really care?

Particularly with a cast of ‘stars’ including Liberty X, Kylie, Anastacia, Shania Twain and Enrique Iglesias. Respectively: better than Hear’Say but not as good as Darius, all arse and no songs, the bargain bin Tina Turner, Satan in a dress and balding lothario with no taste in women.

10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 The Royal Variety Performance 2002 11.05 FILM: Rob Roy Apparently, Liam Neeson gets naked at the start of this mediocre Braveheart rip-off.

According to Sports Desk’s Tristan, the man has an enormous cock. So hurrah! Set your videos, girls. And boys, if that’s the side your bread’s buttered. 1.20 The Sky at Night 1.40 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Count to Christmas; Clifford the Big Red Dog 7.20 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7.35 The Wild Thornberrys 8.00 Smile 10.50 Call the Shots 11.20 Young Indiana Jones Chronicles 12.45 The Flying Gardener 1.00 Gardeners' World 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 Ski Sunday 2.00 Sn**ker: UK Championship Final 5.05 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em This might have been funny to a more innocent generation whose brains weren’t burnt to a cinder by MTV and XBox, but to us it’s just shite. Sort it aht, Beeb. 5.40 Deer Diary 5.50 Big Cat Diary 6.20 Natural World: A Life with Cougars 7.10 Scrum V What do you think of TV’s exciting new look then, chums?

Alex thinks the background looks like a carton of eggs, Amy thinks it looks like a Star Trek badge and Steve is too diplomatic to have an opinion.

Any thoughts? Email us at the address at the top of the page.

Please note: if you say anything bad, Deputy Ed and Design God Tristan might well beat us up for inviting criticism of his masterwork. And he’s hard.

8.00 Sn**ker: UK Championship 10.30 Band of Brothers 11.25 Band of Brothers 12.25 The X Files

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.25 Merlin the Magical Puppy 10.40 Upstairs Downstairs Bears 10.55 Maisy 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Paradise Found 12.30 Soccer Sunday 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 1.55 HTV News and Weather 2.00 Waterfront 2.30 Grand Gardens 3.00 Walt Disney Cartoon 3.15 FILM: Richie Rich See Macaulay Culkin before it all went horribly wrong. 5.00 Wicks' Weekend5.30 HTV News 5.45 Your Century: Llangollen 6.15 ITV News; Weather 6.30 New You've Been Framed!

7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Agatha Christie's Poirot Hurray! Classic Sunday fare.

11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.15 The Adventure of English Alex had a rant about this last fortnight, which might have put you all off slightly. But really, this is fascinating stuff, particularly if you’re a geek like me. Plus, Melvyn Bragg has an arresting line in pink shirts, the old fashionista.

12.20 The Web Review 12.50 The Brit Awards 2002 2.40 Brother's Keeper 3.05 My Favourite Hymns 3.55 World Sport 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 The Royal Year with Jennie Bond Ooh, this should be good. Gay scandals galore! 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 Eureka TV 4.30 Ace Lightning 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Holiday They’re in Cardiff this week. Not much of a holiday, is it?

7.30 Victoria's Story: 4 x 4 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Airport 9.00 Merseybeat 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 999 11.15 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 11.45 Liquid News 12.15 FILM: Cobb 2.25 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 7.25 The Basil Brush Show 7.50 The Scooby Doo Show 8.15 The Cramp Twins 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 Jeopardy 9.45 Kenan and Kel 10.15 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 10.30 Binka 10.40 William's Wish Wellingtons 10.45 Fimbles 11.05 Teletubbies Count to Christmas; Pingu 11.10 Tweenies 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Bill and Ben 1.20 FILM: Pimpernel Smith 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 Treasure Hunt 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Time Flyers: The Missing Castle 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Blood of the Vikings: Empire 9.00 Dead Ringers 9.30 tlc 10.00 I'm Alan Partridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Trouble up North 12.00 Despatch Box

World’s Greatest Cranes five 8.00pm

The Royal Variety Performance 2002 BBC1 8.00pm

S4C

five

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Tales of a Wise King 7.05 Taina 7.35 Tourology: Smash Hits Tour 2002 8.35 Dawson's Creek 9.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 11.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Enterprise 2.55 Futurama 3.25 Maniffesto 4.25 Xtra Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Malu Canu Quiz 10.10 Newyddion 10.25 FILM: For a Few Dollars More 12.50 David Blaine's Vertigo Exclusive excepts from David Blaine’s standing-on-apole diary: “Hour 12: Polestanding going well. Has given me time to ponder the pertinent questions of life, like ‘why is it so easy to fool Americans with crap tricks like standing on my tip-toes at an odd angle?’ and ‘why the fuck am I standing on a pole in the middle of New York?’” 1.50 The Spartans 2.45 FILM: Attack! 4.40 ICC World Cricket Week

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 You Can't Take It with You 6.30 It's Your Funeral 7.00 Elmo's World 7.15 Wise and Wonderful 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Babar 9.30 Redwall 10.00 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 Revelations 12.00 Rooted 12.30 Audrey and Friends 12.50 five news update 12.55 Pop 1.25 Charmed 2.20 5th Gear 2.55 FILM: I'll See You in My Dreams 4.55 five news and sport 5.10 Art Now 5.40 Painting the Christmas Story 6.10 FILM: The Incredible Hulk 8.00 Robbie Williams Is My Son Why didn’t you drown him at birth and do us all a favour?

Selfish man.

9.00 FILM: Valentine's Day 10.40 The Shield 11.40 Arrest and Trial: Closet Killer 12.05 The Vicious Circle 1.05 Challenge Tour Golf 1.25 NFL Live 5.10 Night of Combat Kick Boxing

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel The orange abomination and his braindead sidekick continue their onslaught against everything that is good and pure. A must see! 2.00 Everything Must Go... Under the Hammer 2.30 Bric a Brac 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Fingertips 4.05 As Told

by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Britain's Brainiest Kids 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 8.00 Better Homes Revisited 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Red Mist 3 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Real Life: Living on the Edge 11.30 The Premiership on Monday: Bolton vs Leeds Wanderers 12.30 Champions League Weekly 12.55 Football League Extra 1.35 Today with Des and Mel 2.25 The New Addams Family 2.50 The Web Review 3.15 Ghost Stories 3.40 Entertainment Now! 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.30 Popworld 10.00 Model Behaviour 10.25 Model Behaviour 11.00 FANatic 11.30 Wannabes 12.00 King of the Hill 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Sionyn 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team Digs... The Dark Ages 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Wali Wags 4.15 Planed Plant: Mali O 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Xtra 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 8.30 Dangos Dy Fylbs 9.00 Welsh in a Week 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Faking It 12.05 No Cock in Bangkok 12.35 Hunting the Washington Sniper 1.35 The Sopranos 2.40 Ian Rankin's Evil Thoughts This week, Ian thinks long and hard about a naked Ann Widdecombe covered in baby oil giving her best come-hither grimace. 3.35 Tainted Love 4.30 European Film Awards 2002

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Milkshake Christmas Special 6.50 Happy Monsters 7.00 Elmo's World 7.15 Wise and Wonderful 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Christmas Gift 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 World's Greatest Cranes “Top class entertainment! I myself rate the XM-90087 for its craning style and performance.

Heh heh heh heh.” laughs Tragic Mechanical Geek Desk, nerdily. Honestly, who thinks of this shit? They should be killed.

8.30 5th Gear 9.00 FILM: A Soldier's Story 11.05 The FBI Files: Cruel Deception 12.05 NFL Update 12.40 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 1.30 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.20 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 3.50 Motorsport Mundial 4.15 Major League Soccer

Monday 16 December

Television

BBC1

GRiP

elevision

GRiP

26

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Tuesday 17 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 The Royal Year with Jennie Bond 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.30 Viva S Club Indeed, especially Rachel. I’d lick her silly. And maybe Hannah too.

Not Jo though. Ugly Essex dyke.

5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Animal Hospital 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 The Vicar of Dibley 9.30 Linda Green 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 The Exchange 11.05 Linda Green 11.35 FILM: Sommersby 1.30 Sign Zone: Fame, Set and Match 2.30 Sign Zone: Moses 3.30 Sign Zone: What the Stuarts Did for Us 4.00 Sign Zone: See Hear on Saturday 4.45 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 7.25 The Basil Brush Show 7.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.15 The Cramp Twins 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 Jeopardy 9.45 Kenan and Kel 10.15 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 10.30 Ethelbert the Tiger 10.40 Spot 10.45 Fimbles 11.05 Teletubbies Count to Christmas; Pingu 11.10 Tweenies 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 Pingu 1.15 FILM: The Cheaters 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 Treasure Hunt 6.45 TOTP 2 Featuring Slade, Pink Floyd, Boney M, the Housemartins, Bing Crosby, Mud, Queen and Cliff Richard.

Mutton-chop sideburns, old wrinkley stoners, ra-ra Rasputin!

Pre-fatboy Norman with fatboy Paul Heaton, sweater wearing dead crooner, more muttonchop sideburns, a little mad poof and Freddy Mercury.

7.30 Hidden Gardens 8.00 HomeFront 9.00 FILM: Wit 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Coma: Locked 12.00 Despatch Box

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go...

Under the Hammer 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 Sooty 4.05 MaryKate and Ashley in Action!

4.35 Clueless 5.05 Catchphrase 5.30 Britain's Brainiest Kids 6.00 HTV News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Best of After They Were Famous Did you see Corey Feldman on Fame, Set and Match? Legend!

8.00 FILM: Never Say Never Again Which became Sean Connery’s mantra when accepting film roles. The Avengers is surely testament to this.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 FILM: Never Say Never Again Again, never again.

10.55 FILM: My Fellow Americans 12.50 Tourists from Hell 1.50 Strictly Soho 2.15 The Machine 2.40 Ghost Stories 3.05 World Sport 3.30 Football League Extra 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Spank me silly.

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Quincy 2.55 The Royal Year with Jennie Bond 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.30 Stacey Stone 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 Best Inventions 7.55 The National Lottery 8.00 Crimewatch UK 9.00 The Life of Mammals 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Crimewatch UK Update 10.45 David Seaman... The Real Story 11.45 Match of the Day 12.15 FILM: Shout at the Devil 2.30 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 3.15 Sign Zone: Watchdog 3.45 Sign Zone: Sahara with Michael Palin

7.00 CBBC: Ace Lightning 7.25 The Basil Brush Show 7.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.15 The Cramp Twins 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 Jeopardy 9.45 Kenan and Kel 10.15 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 10.30 Noddy 10.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 10.45 Fimbles 11.05 Teletubbies Count to Christmas; Pingu 11.10 Tweenies 11.30 Teletubbies 12.00 Taxi 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Lifeline 1.10 FILM: Stand-In 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News 3.55 Regional News; Weather 4.00 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 Treasure Hunt 6.45 Star Trek 7.30 The Good Life Felicity Kendal: I would, frankly. In her day, obiviously.

8.00 The Life Laundry 8.30 Gary Rhodes 9.00 Building the Impossible: Foiling the Tomb Raiders 9.50 Babyfather 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Coma 12.00 Despatch Box

The Good Life BBC2 7.30pm

Viva S Club BBC1 4.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.30 Popworld 9.55 Model Behaviour 10.25 Model Behaviour 11.00 FANatic 11.30 Wannabes 12.05 King of the Hill 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Caio 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 4.30 Planed Plant: Dirgelwch Yr Ogof 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy Anyone who fancies Richard is sick and wrong. You know who you are.

6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wed 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Dudley 9.00 Seven Days That Shook Coronation Street 10.00 Treflan 11.10 V Graham Norton 11.40 Scrubs 12.10 Scrubs 12.40 Frasier 1.10 Offenders 1.40 Offenders 2.10 Feltham Sings 3.10 Ian Rankin's Evil Thoughts 4.05 Sex Bomb

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Milkshake Christmas Special 6.50 Happy Monsters 7.00 Elmo's World 7.15 Wise and Wonderful 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: A Different Kind of Christmas 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Five Tons of Cash 11.25 Limos 12.25 NFL: Game of the Week: New England Patriots v Tennessee Titans 4.00 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 5.35 Motorsport Mundial GR rumours this week: Richard “Gorilla” Keys and Ulrika.

Maccarone, “good with cheese”.

“Pro-life pizzas, mmm....”

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go...

Under the Hammer 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Titch 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Quick Trick Show 4.05 Hey Arnold! 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Catchphrase 5.30 Britain's Brainiest Kids 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Cruise Ship 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Taggart 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 2DTV 10.55 FILM: Psycho Life story of footie legend Stuart Pearce.

Includes the time when he scared the shit out of Angloma by wiping his own blood on the French midfielder saying “You did that”. In fact Pearce had been headbutted by Basil Boli, he just did it to shit Angloma up.

Legend.

12.55 Ghost Stories Wooo!

1.25 Ghost Stories 1.45 FILM: Indictment: The McMartin Trial 4.00 Coach 4.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.30 Popworld 9.55 Model Behaviour 10.25 Model Behaviour 11.00 FANatic 11.30 Wannabes 12.05 King of the Hill 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Migmas 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: ABC 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Scrapheap Challenge 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Torri Bol 4.20 Planed Plant: 13'30` Munud o Enwogrwydd 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Haf Ganol Gaeaf 7.00 Pobol y Cwm Hyn y wyn lagi neweddion. I may have just said “I take my chinchilla from the rear” in Welsh. But I doubt it.

7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Carolau Langollen 9.00 Property Ladder 10.00 Location, Location, Location 10.30 Brookside 12.00 V Graham Norton 12.30 Sex and the City 1.10 Sex and the City 1.40 Offenders 2.05 Offenders 2.35 Ian Rankin's Evil Thoughts 3.30 Skiing on 4: Alpine World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Milkshake Christmas Special 6.50 Happy Monsters 7.00 Elmo's World 7.15 Wise and Wonderful 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: A Holiday for Love 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs .

7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: First Daughter 10.00 FILM: Escape to Nowhere With “When Insects Attack” star, Greg Evigan.

11.50 Live with... Chris Moyles 12.20 La Femme Nikita 1.10 NHL Ice Hockey Live: New Jersey Devils v Ottawa Senators 4.20 Ironman Triathlon: Lake Placid 5.10 Northern Exposure 5.35 Fastrax Real quotes from Darts commentary: “He’s twitching more than one legged ferret”, “He’s like Jack the Ripper on a Friday night”, “They’ve got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can’t beat this for drama”

Wednesday 18 December

27

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Thursday 19 December BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 News Review 2002 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Quincy 2.55 The Royal Year with Jennie Bond 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.30 The Wild Thornberrys 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Stuart gives Flick driving lessons. Wouldn’t we all love to give her some too - fnarr! 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Half an Hour to Save Your Life A stuntwoman is given less than 30 minutes in which to escape from a burning house. Oh, if only we could do this programme with C-list celebs and cnuts like Oliver and Norton.

7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Judge John Deed 9.30 They Think 2002 Is All Over 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 The Richard Dimbleby Lecture 2002 Given by Archbishop Rowan Williams, who is, as I have mentioned previously, a good archbishop. 11.20 FILM: Dead Husbands ... make good doorstops. 12.55 FILM: Doomwatch 2.25 The Life Laundry 2.55 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 CBBC: Blue Peter - A Rock and Roll Christmas Dear god, this exists. Blue Peter is about as rock’n’roll as William Hague, and possibly even less credible. 7.25 The Basil Brush Show 7.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.15 The Cramp Twins 8.30 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 Jeopardy 9.45 Kenan and Kel 10.15 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies 1.15 FILM: Holiday Affair 2.40 Westminster Live 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 Treasure Hunt 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Magic Islands 8.00 Escape to the Country 8.30 Have You Remembered What Not to Wear? If not, just look at what Trinny and Susannah are wearing tonight and avoid!

9.00 Horizon 9.50 Bitter Inheritance A series following families with genetic diseases, featuring an extended family whose members have been falling victim to Sudden Death Syndrome. Is that a blanket term for people who just, like, drop down dead on the spot? 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Mega Mela Malai: Cream of Comedy 12.00 Despatch Box

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go...

Under the Hammer 2.30 Presenters Revisited 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Construction Site 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.50 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.20 The Angry Beavers 4.35 Clueless 5.05 Catchphrase 5.30 Britain's Brainiest Kids 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Wire in the Blood 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Crime Secrets 11.30 Real Life: Addicted to Love 12.30 Night and Day 1.25 Foo Fighters in Profile What a godawful band they are, eh? And what a horsefaced cnut Grohl is, too.

Courtney is right about him and his revisionist perspective of Nirvana. 1.55 ITV at the Festivals 2002 2.45 Mixmasters 3.10 Cybernet 3.40 The Making of Insomnia Essay crisis + black coffee + hard house = no sleep for me.

Damn my degree. 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Ruby 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Wipeout 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 The Royal Year with Jennie Bond May or may not involve knickers. 2.55 Judgemental 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Mona the Vampire 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.45 Rugrats 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport With guests Jenson Button, John Regis, James Cracknell and Ashia Hansen. Oh, James Cracknell *fans myself, catches breath* I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone quite as gorgeous.

And as for the body - goodness.

7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 The Story of Only Fools and Horses 9.30 Have I Got News for You With guest Mo Mowlam - legend!

10.00 BBC News 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.20 FILM: Black Sunday 1.45 FILM: Bitter Vengeance 3.10 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 CBBC 10.15 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Teletubbies Everywhere 1.10 FILM: One Touch of Venus Now this sounds far too filthy to be on at such an early hour.

Unless, of course, they’re talking about Venus Williams.

2.30 Racing from Ascot 4.00 Animal Park 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 Treasure Hunt 6.45 Scrum V Live 9.00 Gardener of the Year Final 10.00 Porridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.50 Later with Jools Holland... The First Ten Years 12.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.35 FILM: Drop Squad Not seen this, but it sounds ace - and Spike Lee was the executive producer! It’s a satire about a black advertising executive who is kidnapped and brainwashed by a vigilante group, the DROP (Deprogramming and Restoration of Pride) Squad, who re-educate him so that he will acknowledge and take pride in his roots. Awesome scenes; watch and marvel.

A Question of Sport BBC1 7.00pm

Have You Remembered What Not To Wear?

BBC2 8.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.30 Popworld 9.55 Model Behaviour 11.00 FANatic 11.30 Wannabes 12.05 King of the Hill 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 A Place in the Sun 2.15 Location, Location, Location 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Dangos Dy Fylbs An examination of the appeal of neon Rudolphs, fake snow and light bulbs. Well, there are a lot of pikeys who lack taste out there. 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Fo A Fe 8.30 Naw Tan Naw 9.00 CF39 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.35 Slaymaker 11.05 Eurotrash 11.35 Celebrity Wheelchair Challenge Channel 4 challenges three celebrities to face a journey from Edinburgh to London by wheelchair without using their legs. I don’t quite believe this exists.

12.35 Alias 1.30 INXS: Never Tear Us Apart 2.10 Secret Life of a Serial Killer 3.05 FILM: The Odessa File

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Milkshake Christmas Special 6.50 Happy Monsters 7.00 Elmo's World 7.15 Wise and Wonderful 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Christmas List 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: Blues Brothers 2000 “Why didn’t they just have Dan Aykroyd pissing on John Belushi’s grave? Would’ve saved time and money” - an unimpressed TV Steve. I know someone actually called Jake Ellwood, though - I shit you not.

10.25 FILM: Filofax 12.30 Football Night 1.10 Dutch Football 2.40 CIS Insurance Cup Scottish Football: Hibernian v Rangers

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Everything Must Go...

Under the Hammer 2.30 HTV Wales News Extra 3.15 Mopatop's Shop 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.50 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 4.05 As Told

by Ginger 4.35 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.05 Popstars: The Rivals Extra 5.30 Britain's Brainiest Kids 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Steve discovers how far Vik's betrayal stretches. Not too far, we hope tight is always better than not.

Fnarr!

8.00 Airline 8.30 New You've Been Framed!

9.00 Midsomer Murders 11.05 ITV Weekend News 11.35 Tarrant on TV 12.05 Bethlehem Year Zero 12.20 FILM: Midnight Cowboy 2.30 Dial-a-Date 3.00 Entertainment Now! 3.25 Today with Des and Mel 4.20 Blur in Profile Ooh, even more awesome scenes. Blur have had downs as well as ups, but they’re still a band to cherish.

4.45 Get Stuffed 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Maybe It's Me 9.30 Popworld 9.55 Model Behaviour 11.00 FANatic 11.30 Wannabes 12.05 King of the Hill 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Yma Mae 'Nghan 8.30 Cefn Gwlad: Trefor Edwards Dai Jones meets interesting Welsh characters. Oh. For. Fuck’s.

Sake. Every fucking thing on this fucking channel is to do with fucking Welsh people. This does not make for quality programming; why the somewhat patronising assumption that people are so insular as to be interested only in their own nationality? 9.00 Friends 9.30 The Osbournes 10.00 V Graham Norton 10.40 The Osbournes 11.10 Eurotrash 11.40 Headliners: David Gray 12.10 Born Sloppy 1.00 Comedy Lab 1.30 Comedy Lab 2.00 Cannabis Psychosis 3.00 ALT-TV: Yo-yo 3.25 Brazilian Football This week, TV Desk loves: the Queen Mamagotchi and Sorority Slut Barbie. TV Desk hates: everything else in the world.

Especially Static Cunt.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Milkshake Christmas Special 6.50 Happy Monsters 7.00 Elmo's World 7.15 Wise and Wonderful 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Beachcomber Bay 9.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: A Holiday to Remember 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with...

Chris Moyles 7.30 five news 8.00 Posh Totty 9.00 FILM: The Face 10.55 FILM: Mutual Needs 12.40 FILM: Hotline 2.20 The New Adventures of Robin Hood 3.45 Monsters 4.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 Riptide 5.10 Sons and Daughters TV Desk would like to thank: Tristan for his eggs; Cobley for entertaining us with Office Olympics (suck on that, Tristan); Gemma for being lovely and maternal; Nick for the Queen Mamagotchi; Riath for his chess tips; Alastair for sheer godliness; Tori, Polly, Courtney and Björk for inspiration; our friends, families, casual shags, agents and stylists. As ever, Marlboro Lights and Stolichnaya.

Friday 20 December

Television

BBC1

GRiP

Features

gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com gair rhydd features section Free Word no.732

09 12 02

Fashion Cares Mention the word ‘charity’ and you won’t be far from a celebrity, as Holly Llewellyn and Amina Hamman found out.

I

t was celebrity night at the Hilton last Monday in support of the George Thomas Hospice Care. Debenhams of Cardiff joined forces with the charity, to bring a truly star studded event in the prestigious setting of the Cardiff Hilton. So star studded in fact, the celebrities ranged from Royalty (Prince Philip, Sophie and Edward) to the All Black Rugby Team. And although Prince Philip and gang did not actually attend, they sent well wishes, and two of the All Black team turned up. This didn’t matter to numbers however, as Cardiff celebs turned out in force.

The evening was for a very important cause; the George Thomas Hospice Care. The charity is dedicated to providing care to those suffering from cancer and other life threatening illnesses. Naturally us gair rhydd reporters were there (for the free booze and to support a well deserving charity), so here’s the low down of the night’s major events.

On hearing that there was to be a free Bucks Fizz Reception we couldn’t believe our luck, however our luck quickly ran out when we were refused a second glass. One could say that the management appeared stingy, I mean fancy refusing two poor students a second glass of cheapo Bucks Fizz, however we rapidly changed our minds when we found out that the Hilton had kindly donated the Ballroom free of charge. This was a very generous gesture, as it would normally cost £6000 to hire the room.

As instructed by the Feature Editor, we tried to blag front row seats, stating that we would need to be close to the catwalk in order to take pictures.

However, after been shunted about looking like two complete drama queens, we sat down in our newly acquired seats in the second row, where we found a shiny goody bag awaiting us. They contained a CD of classic songs from television adverts, and some Christian Dior makeup.

The evening’s procedures began hitherto, but before the compares of the night, HTV newsreaders and presenters Lucy Cohen and Jonathan Hill took control, Margaret Pritchard, the Chief executive of the charity said a few words. She told the audience the evening; “Would be full of fun and finery but supporting a very serious cause.”

The evening’s procedures then kicked off with the Welsh netball squad cavorting down the runway in Debenhams Daywear, to the funky upbeat sounds of Tom Jones. It was a lively start to the show, and the range generated a lot of interest from the audience.

Tapered jeans, denim jackets, knitwear and stripes seemed to be a very prominent theme for winter 2002, no surprises there then. According to Debenhams, suede, sheepskin, leather and cord are definitely in this season. However we weren’t to sure that woollen liquorice allsorts bags would be the next big thing, nor would be mix matching sheepskin gillet with a tight black pinstripe skirt. Girls, for most of us, this is definitely a no go!

It has to be said that sometimes the models bordered on looking a little like ‘mutton dressed as lamb’. Tight floor length leather

skirts in S and M bondage style is not particularly flattering if you’re the size of a small country. However, this was only a slight hiccup, and not all was bad. There were in fact some exquisite pieces from John Rocha, Jasper Conran, Coast, Matthew Williamson and Debenhams new range Spirit, which is fronted

by Tamzin Outhwaite. In this collection there were a lot of pieces in black; it was stylish yet classical, and thus suited the models much better.

We were also given a glance at this seasons must have evening wear, the colours to be seen in being red, black and shocking pink.

The evening wear really was

spectacular, with some sexy numbers that would really make some pulses race at the upcoming AU Ball.

All of the outfits were chosen by the personal shoppers at Debenhams, this service is free and with no obligation to buy. So if you have your knickers in a knot trying to find that perfect outfit for New Year get yourselves down to Debenhams and try out this free service, what’s the worst that could happen?

Unfortunately, some of the accessories and hairstyles were a little less to our taste. Leaves were prominent in the

Welsh Weatherman: easiest job in the world

first half, with berries taking their place in the second.

One poor model in particular had a most ridiculous hair style; lots of spikes projecting from only one side of her head. It truly looked heinous and it was to her credit that she came out on the stage. Another plucky model was the girl who came out with a 5foot feather attached to her head that had previously been down BBC Wales Weatherman Derek Brockway’s trousers. Nice!

Derek Brockway was so amusing on and off stage kissing every woman in sight. Raunchy Dez didn’t stop there; he started to strip - we are sure he’s been in a few porn films in his time, or maybe he’s just aspiring to be in one - at any rate he was pure entertainment.

Derek wasn’t the only male representative; BBC Wales senior reporter Jason Mohammed was also modelling. Having previously attended Cardiff University to do his Post Graduate course, he was thrilled to have his picture taken for gair rhydd.

There was also Rupert Moon, ex-rugby international, star of X-Ray and Real Radio and some members of the Pontypridd Rugby club. But unfortunately not as attractive as the two All Blacks whom, presumably turned up to do their bit, but with the bonus of being able to ogle the women.

After the interval, the auction and the prize draw took place. This was the part of the show when everyone reached for their chequebooks and handed over that all-important cash. There were highs and lows. Having been distracted for ten seconds, we wondered what had happened when there was a huge gasp amongst the audience. Had someone more famous walked in? No - we had missed the chief executive fall off the catwalk into the audience.

It was HTV presenters to the rescue - we just caught a glimpse of the sprawled aftermath. Composed, she blamed it on the huge ice bucket she was carrying, but perhaps she had discovered the secret stash of Bucks Fizz!

So on with the auction. There were some good things up for grabs, but not without a price. This part of the show (well for us students) was about making no quick sudden movements that might be mistaken as bids. This may seem uncharitable, but a six person limo ride fetched £400 and a signed All Blacks Rugby shirt went for £300. We did of course make a charitable donation. The level of bidding made it obvious that the audience wanted to make a big contribution to this dedicated charity. In Wales, this charity is a major provider within Cardiff and the Vale of Glamorgan home-based palliative care. Over 1000 patients and their families are helped each year by the charity. Many members of the audience were already extremely committed to the Hospice, with everyone appreciating why it’s such a good cause.

The Charity is keen to improve links with students, and to promote awareness of the work it does, for, as pointed out by Margaret Pritchard; “Life threatening illness can affect anyone, and is relevant to all age groups.”

The evening was altogether a raving success, making in excess of £4000. Anyone wanting to make a donation or find out about upcoming events can ring 02920 485 345.

featuresfeaturesfeatures Samaritans go on-line - Features goes to Indonesia - North Korea opens up to the west - pint sized winner Mark Owen - Welsh sporting heroes get drunk

Features • 16

December 9 2002

Beautiful strangers

With another stint of essay deadlines and another stressful exam period just around the corner, Emily Davies reminds us that the Samaritans are always there to lend a helping hand

A

s of November 27, the Samaritans are re-launching their charity with a BOOM! As well as a brand new image change (yes, I’m afraid the luminous orange has gone) the Samaritans have also launched a new web site, gained publicity on the well known current series of Celebrity Big Brother and received funding from the UK’s leading online Bank.

So what’s the deal? Well, this new campaign is an attempt to challenge the stigma surrounding emotional stress, such as depression. It is aimed at making the British and Irish reconsider their attitudes towards emotional health issues. They want people to know it’s ok to explore their feelings and seek help in dealing with them if necessary.

Research collected by the charity themselves, shows that most people are totally unaware of the extent of the problems around emotional health and of the stigma surrounding it. Many people believe stress and depression are issues they can deal with themselves or simply aren’t a ‘big deal’. The Samaritans, therefore,

exclusive track from the new RADIOHEAD album! Let’s hope the track is a little more up beat than most of Radiohead’s material however, otherwise I’m not sure how much better the track will make you feel!

Apart from revamping their general web page, they now, with many thanks to the crew at Barclays Bank, have received funding of £500K (as part of their inclusion through a technology programme, supporting organisations that use new and innovative technology to improve service provision). This has enabled the charity to increase the number of branches with access to email, from 40 to over 80. This success means there are now even more people at hand, 24 hours a day to help you with any problems.

You don’t even have to worry about making verbal conversation.

You can seek help from the comfort of your computer screen.

This also means you don’t have to search to find out if your local branch has access to email: You simply send an email to a communal address and this will be confidentially answered by one

are working to make people aware of the importance of talking these problems through, and educate as to how this can help.

David Richards, Marketing Manager of the Samaritans claims, “By removing the stigma that currently exists around people admitting they have a problem or asking for help, Samaritans hopes it can contribute to a society where people can respect other people’s feelings”.

They believe that offering people the opportunity to be listened to without prejudice or any judgement, in confidence, can prevent despair and suicidal feelings.

They do stress however that the volunteers will never instruct you to do anything against your wishes. They are just a friendly ear who will offer you the best emotional support and advice.

This is the first time that the Samaritans have changed their image and run such a high profile campaign which promises to be publicised all over the nation. With over 200 branches throughout the UK and Republic of Ireland, they boast a massive 18,300 fully trained volunteers, so there won’t be a shortage of helping hands for the promotion.

The campaign which continues until Samaritans Awareness Raising week in May 2003, involves among other things, promoting the new web site - www.samaritans.org. In connection to the new campaign, a further web site can be accessed by logging on to www.changeourminds.com which allows people to gain extra information about emotional health, explore what they can do to help, complete a quiz to detect their own EQ (emotional quotient) and even download a FREE (always important to us students!)

of the 18,300 volunteers.

Much work has been done by Agency Republic (the Samaritans creative agency) to ensure 100% confidentiality among using this email system, so there is no worry of your message being sent ANYWHERE other than to a trained volunteer in total confidence.

Some people may only have access to the Internet in university, and so feel embarrassed to log on to the website in front of a room full of beady eyes. But this problem has been addressed. As soon as you have logged on to the site the option of a logo-free screen is offered, so don’t let that put you off.

Once on the website, you are able to find out where your local branch is, by clicking on a map, which is useful if you fancy popping in to your local branch for a one-to-one chat (or even just to find out if your calling a local rate number!) You can also click on to an ‘audio-call’ so you can listen (or choose to read if preferred) to what a call will be like if you decide to phone.

The website should provide you with all the information you need. You shouldn’t have any difficulty finding your way around it.

However if searching on the internet / sending emails isn’t your thing, or you’d prefer something a little more private you can always turn to good old’ trusty pen and paper, and drop them a line.

Also as part of their new campaign, the Samaritans have been lucky enough to be supported by the recent series of Celebrity Big Brother! For every vote that was made to evict one of the housemates on channel 4’s reality TV show, 15p went to a charity fund that is divided between the Samaritans, National Missing Persons Helpline and Rethink Severe Mental Illness.

In response to receiving funding from Big Brother, David Richards commented, “We are delighted…this is vital to enable us to continue reaching out to more young people and always being there to provide emotional support” The Samaritans were chosen as one of the most deserving charities, because of their determination to call for a society where fewer people die by suicide, which currently accounts for over a fifth of all deaths by young people.

If we bear in mind that every twenty minutes a young person self harms, we can see how vital it is to have support from the Samaritans at hand 24 hours a day.

Many Samaritans at branches all over the country felt that after years of the same image, a new logo and image was needed to refresh the charity and help complement the launch of the new campaign. However, some volunteers did fear that the change of image would confuse people, and make them question whether it was the same charity. In reaction to this, the Samaritans would like to stress that the change of logo (and technological improvements) are the only physical alterations. The charity still offers the same admirable service as ever, and has kept the same telephone number as before. Those in search of help should not hesitate if they see the new green signs (as opposed to the old black and orange one). They are still headed to the same voices at the end of the line.

According to the web site http://harvestfields.tripod.com/colours.htm the colour of the new Samaritan logo, green, symbolises empathy with others. It is a calming colour that we seek when under stress or experiencing emotional trauma, creating a feeling of comfort and calmness (if you believe all this type of stuff…) So has changing the log really made a difference? Third year Psychology student responded positively when presented with the new logo in comparison to the old, claiming it was much simpler and more refreshing – definitely gives you a positive feeling! “Green means GO, after all!’’ she claimed!

Us struggling university students are entering into a period of ever growing stress, with those dreaded exams that we don’t want to be studying for over the holidays. Then there are those Christmas presents we’re supposed to buy despite the embarrassingly growing overdraft (as we now regret buying ALL those clothes in the first week of term!) It is certainly one of the busiest times of year for the charity. The important point to remember is that, if you are really beginning to feel the pressures piling up, you must remember that it is totally normal to get stressed out. You don’t have to try dealing with it all on your own. The main point of the Samaritans new campaign is really to remind everyone that they are always there as a listening ear. No problem is too trivial to talk about.

No matter what time of the night or whichever day of the week, there is always someone there to listen to your worries. With the increasing improvements to technology, now is a better time than ever to contact the Samaritans in any number of convenient ways.

You can call them on their main confidential telephone line 24 hours a day on 08457 90 90 90 at the price of a local call.

Alternatively you can write to Chris at Samaritans, PO Box 9090, Stirling, FK8 2SA or email them on Jo@samaritans.org (or if you are deaf or hard of hearing you can use the single national minicom number 08456 90 91 92).

With 203 branches nation-wide, there will ALWAYS be someone to talk to. Just remember, each member of the Samaritans is a volunteer. They are not paid for their time. They are therefore totally genuine and are there for one reason only: they want to help you. Therefore, help yourself…by giving them a call if you ever need to.

Some people may only have access to the Internet in uni. However, as soon as you log on a logo-free screen is offered

December 9 2002

Features• 17

Paradise lost?

Since the Bali bomb attack, Indonesia has seen its image as one of the best locations for travellers severely dented. We are currently being warned against travelling to the Far East but Chris Parsons tells us of the treasures that these islands will never lose.

B

eing torn between diving in previously uncharted waters in South-East Sulawesi, or heading down to dive in Aceh in North Sumatra, were the options I found myself facing. On the one-hand I would have to fly half way across Indonesia and back, and on the other, I would have to enter a war zone which I had previously been told to avoid.

I was in Georgetown, Malaysia, I was tired from a days travel down from the Thai border, and had only a few days in which to make up my mind. The hotel I was staying in was in a small side-street close to the bustle of Chinatown, but far enough away to enjoy a good night’s sleep. It was here that I had met a group of experienced divers from all over the world, in a couple of days they would be parting company, with a couple heading to Aceh and the rest to Sulawesi.

One of the group requires a special mention, as he had somewhat lost the plot. As an Israeli he was used to hot summers, but he conveyed to us that he, and his mates back at home, used to inject themselves with ice-cold water when the weather became all a bit too much. Needless to say I was pleased when this olive-skinned psycho chose to part company with the group and go his separate way.

I definitely wanted to go diving, of that I was sure, as the crystal clear waters of Indonesia are renowned among those that dive. The question was where to go? The couple were heading to Pulau Weh, an island in the province of Aceh off the Northern tip of Sumatra. This apparent tropical paradise not only boasted scenic beaches with stereotypical palms, clear waters and dense jungle teaming with wildlife, but also unspoilt coral reefs hosting an abundance of marine life. Moreover the island remained, for the most part, tourist free, but underlying this was the fact that Weh lay in Aceh, which, in typical Indonesian fashion, was fighting for independence. Only recently, as Muslims fought Muslims, had Conan Powell paid a visit to Jakarta to offer the Indonesian Government extra funds to escalate the so-called war on terrorism. I was obviously a little reserved about making the trip, but the advantage of travelling down with the couple was that they had been there before. They also knew the timings of the ferries which could skirt around the outside of Sumatra overnight, thus avoiding the necessity of taking the dubiously unsafe night bus from Medan, one of the entry points into Sumatra, to Banda Aceh the capital of the state in conflict. It was not uncommon for such buses when they do run to get stopped, both by rebel forces, and the Indonesian army, who are arguably scarier. The buses occasionally get bombed or shot at. This I was obviously keen to avoid.

The other option available to me was to head to Sulawesi, a large island free from heavy tourism, which lay in the East of Indonesia the other side of Borneo. Martin, an English guy who had previously been working in Pulau Weh, was heading up an exploration team to look for new dive sites in the South-East of the island. More uncertain, higher risk but with larger rewards was the way in which I viewed this prospect. Although the group looked competent and was friendly enough, I chose the more cowardly option of heading to Weh with the couple, Christian and Miranda.

After a couple of days sampling the delicious cuisine and seeing the sites in Georgetown, the three of us set off one hot morning via ferry across the Straits of Malaka, nursing hangovers. Although quite a swift voyage we had to endure half of Rambo 3, half of Home Alone 3 and the last half of Rush Hour 2 on poor quality VCD. Once we arrived it was the usual push and shove affair, queuing for bags followed by the head down/walk fast/where-can-I-have-my-first-cigarette approach to the border. Having satisfied my desire for nicotine, we found ourselves briefly waiting for the connecting overnight ferry to Banda Aceh. This journey was as good as I could have hoped for; I could sleep having downed a few antihistamines, and I didn’t find myself sweating like a spit pig

with yellow fever as I had on similar boats in the Philippines. The food does warrant a mention. The single fish head, similar to that of a sprat, and some water, which I presumed had been left in some vegetables at some point, hardly constituted a meal that you would give to your children expecting them to have a long and healthy life. When we finally arrived the following morning I felt as though I had been on the road for ages, but again, as is usual in Indonesia, our next boat was waiting for us to take us over to Weh itself.

With the exception of meeting another couple of keen divers, and watching some dolphins entertain the crowds on board, the journey itself was pretty uneventful and thankfully short. When I came ashore I had expected a quick transfer, but it was just my luck to find myself scooting half way across the island to where I was to stay.

With a couple of notable exceptions there are two places to stay on the island, Iboh, a small fishing village and Gapang, what could be described as a small beach hamlet for diving.

Although I foolishly stayed my first night in Iboh, which hosted a few tourists, I quickly made my way over to Gapang and never regretted my decision for a second. With only a few huts and a longhouse set back into the jungle, a couple of dive shops and a restaurant, the beach lay completely untouched. The road finished several hundred metres away and only a small dirt track offered access to this idyllic Indonesian hideaway. What made Gapang really special though were the people who resided there. The rich mix of foreigners and locals who were all extremely warm and friendly made each others stay all the more worthwhile. Most of those that stayed did so for at least a month and it soon became apparent that my intended week long stay would finish up being far longer. I chose to stay in the long-house, a basic elongated wooden building with a fantastic view of the bay from which large fruit bats could be seen

Michaelangelo went solo in his pursuit of the elusive shredder

flying between trees at dusk. The longhouse’s other inhabitants included a family of geckos, and monkeys, which would sometimes in the morning come and play on the veranda.

It was not just the diving which enticed people to Weh, however, but a combination of diving and the lifestyle. When not diving, the few that stayed would enjoy playing chess against each other and the locals, and the international game of ‘shithead’ and smoking. One of the positives as regards to this was the fact that a kilo of weed could be purchased for a mere $70! This of course would go to fund the rebels, and this was why Aceh with its suitable climate, had become the growing haven for the whole country.

For those that wished to indulge further there were also an abundance of mushrooms and the strange Koochombong. Koochombong known as ‘crazy fruit’ in English, is an Hallucinogen from the Belladonna family therefore closely related to Deadly Nightshade. The plant, which bears small fruits, can be eaten, or mixed to make it more palatable. Once taken, the effect is to send the ‘victim’ into a week long trance where they feel no pain and are quite apart from reality. Eaters are said to always take their clothes off within five minutes of eating it, and locals are normally paid a little money so that they can look after the infected.

Every Indonesian that I met who had eaten the fruit had a little piece of them missing, and suffice to say that I would never go near it with a barge-pole.

Diving was the main attraction of Weh though.

Not only had the surrounding reefs sustained very little damage from fishing and other destructive activities, but due to the strong currents which buffet the island, the local waters are packed full of a mix of very large and small marine life. Having never seen a shark before, I was ecstatic to see a wide variety along with many turtles, rays, and other large fish, including Napoleon Wrasse and the prehistoric Bumphead Parrot fish. It occurred to me after a couple of weeks that each day I was seeing at least one completely new school of fish.

The downside to this though, was that the diving was extremely challenging at times. Having dived in currents before I was too blasé. This was a mistake. Bubbles would often not head straight to the surface, instead meandering around, sometimes even going down. Ones’ regulator, the device through which you breathe, would often have to be held in place to ensure airflow. While avoiding the coral so as not to damage it, rock hugging soon became the norm. On one occasion during this activity, I saw green liquid coming from my arm.

This of course turned out to be blood at depth, which was a little disconcerting.

I certainly did not exhaust the opportunities available on Weh. Another island, Rubiah, lies within swimming distance and with only a handful of huts is an even more tranquil hideaway. A fortnightly rave is held in the jungle nearby, which would have been fun to attend. Due to the presence of police on ecstasy, handling automatic weapons though, I decided to pass this time. With so many beautiful memories I intend to return to Weh as soon as possible. Weh remains a place undiscovered by mass tourism, and should be whole heartedly enjoyed before it becomes just one of many islands around the world, such as in Thailand, which have become overrun.

Features • 18

December 9 2002

North Korea opens its doors to the world Long closed to westerners, North Korea has a starring role in the huge pre-title sequence of the new 007 film. Damon Lloyd reports on the real drama unfolding in this complex country.

J

ames Bond’s next adventure Die Another Day is truly global. From the Demilitarised Zone (DMZ) between North and South Korea, via Cuba to Iceland and then to North Korea again, the film will raise awareness about those countries, and certainly give student backpackers something to think about when choosing their destinations next summer. Iceland and Cuba are a few hours away from the UK by plane, but one of the most interesting locations in the film, North Korea, has been off limits to most Westerners for the past fifty years.

North Korea has numerous interesting features, including the world’s largest arch, the Arch of Triumph, which commemorates the victory against Japan and is three metres taller than its counterpart in Paris. There are other such jewels that can interest tourists, such as Pyongyang’s spectacular and grand architecture, as well as the scenic and historical Mount Bektu (Paekdusan).

After Japan occupied the Korean peninsula in 1931, numerous guerrilla groups fought the Japanese, including the fledgling communist group of Kim Il Sung. Much of North Korea’s history is tied to this man, whom they call The Great Leader. Following the end of World War II, US forces were based in the South. Due to the outbreak of the Cold War, the Americans and South Koreans soon came into conflict with the communist stronghold in the North, resulting in the Korean War and thus two Koreas, North and South, with the DMZ between. The North, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), remained Communist. But whereas the Cold War ended in Europe, leading to the reunification of Germany, it has continued in Korea.

Much of North Korea’s policy for the past fifty years has been, from the viewpoint of the outsider, isolationist. The reason for North Korea

braving it alone is the Juche (self-reliance) Idea, central to Communism in the DPRK, which is that “the owner of the revolution and construction are the people’s masses”, as well as the severing of diplomatic ties by the West with the DPRK. North Korea has chosen to be one of only three countries that are not members of the United Nations. Due to often irreconcilable relations with the DPRK, hardly any Western nation has a diplomatic presence in North Korea, although Britain, Germany and Spain announced in 2000 they would push for official ties with the capital, Pyongyang. America has also not sought to improve relations, with George W. Bush branding North Korea part of the “Axis of Evil”.

North Korea an eventual £10 million, according to the BBC. They also reported that Kim Jong-II could hold his drink better than Kim Dae-Jung.

The road to reunification is not without its bumps. In September 2002, North Korean Red Cross workers located missing Japanese citizens in the DPRK, amidst claims by Japan and the West that North Korean Commandos had kidnapped them. Although separated Korean families have had the opportunity to see each other on either side of the DMZ, recently America accused North Korea of having a nuclear weapons programme, and in reaction South Korea threatened to cut off oil supplies to the North.

There has been quite some confusion and political

from the world over were invited to gather and discuss and enjoy North Korean culture. Their website, part of the official site of the DPRK, can be found at http://www.korea-dpr.com and they also assist with organising trips to the DPRK. Unfortunately, North Korea is still out of bounds for the average student backpacker on a budget. Not only must one find one’s way to Beijing, China (which can be expensive in itself) before entering North Korea, it can cost up to US$120 per person per day. There is a further cost of US$400 for the visa, administration and flight from Beijing to Pyongyang by Koryo, the national airline. There are benefits of joining the KFA, however, as prices are a cheaper for members.

Unfortunately, North Korea is still out of bounds for the average student backpacker on a budget. Not only must one find one’s way to Beijing, China (which can be expensive in itself) before entering North Korea, it can cost up to US$120 per person per day.

In recent years, North Korea has begun to gradually open up to the world. In June 2000, Kim Jong-II, son of Kim II Sung and current President of the DPRK, met his South Korean counterpart Kim Dae-Jung in a historic summit in Pyongyang. Both North and South express unity as an eventual goal. In the Olympics in Sydney that same year, the two countries’ teams marched out under a flag depicting a United Korea, but after the opening ceremony, competed seperately.

It was a small but crucial first step to reunification. Relations with Japan were also recently re-opened, with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi visiting Pyongyang.

In November 2000, North Korea purchased a former brewery from Trowbridge, Wiltshire, to transfer to the DPRK and build a new brewery outside Pyongyang, in a deal that would cost

debate over allegations that the DPRK actually does have nuclear weapons capability. Much discussion has ensued among Western Governments and media over whether the DPRK has nuclear capability, with a South Korean unification ministry official currently questioning the American translation of a statement by the North Korean Rondon Sinmun newspaper.

Relations between the various countries, not strong at the best of times, have become even more strained.

The Korean Friendship Association (KFA) has been active for the past couple of years, a group “creating a cultural and friendship link between North Korea and all the countries in the world.”

They held their first international meeting in London at the beginning of November 2002, where people who were interested in North Korea

Bond films must have their villains. During the Cold War, Blofeld and friends aside, the Soviet Union was often portrayed as the enemy (“From Russia with Love” is a prime example). During the nineties there was less focus on political issues, and often the villains were ruthless criminals, businessmen and media moguls such as Elliott Carver (Jonathan Pryce in Tommorrow Never Dies) or Elektra King (Sophie Marceau in The World Is Not Enough). North Korea has viewed Die Another Day as “evidence of antiDPRK sentiment” by using the country as the origin of the bad guy Zao. It is possible that the political issue that has arisen from this movie is likely to be forgotten.

Viewers are undoubtedly more likely to only want to see Pierce Brosnan give possibly his best acting performance yet.

December 9 2002

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Features• 19

fried gold Celebrity Big Brother comes but once a year, but Daniel Barnes isn’t too impressed, except for a former boy band star...

J

ust as the winter cold had etched its mark upon our bones, the eternal rain had begun to fall, and there was darkness upon the face of the deep, a light as bright as all the TVs in town shone into our lives. Channel 4 gave us Celebrity Big Brother to help us live through another Welsh winter.

The familiar sight of the Big Brother House looked uncomfortably unfamiliar when shrouded in the winter veil of November London, used as we are to seeing it in bright sunlight and summer joy.

The whole idea of shutting six celebrities in the Big Brother house is that we – their adoring public – get the chance to see them in a new light. We can gaze upon their star-lit faces anew, and see that they are just as normal or insane as we always expected. To this end, you’d think that Channel 4 would have roped in a few Celebrities, rather than just celebrities. To be fair though, this can’t be their fault: do you really think Robbie or Madonna would give up their perfect lives to sit and be bored in a north London house? No. So the people we saw truly were the best they could get.

This isn’t such a tragic state of affairs as you might think. Our friends at 4 managed to gather together a cluster of minor-to-middling famous faces to entertain us. And they just couldn’t be any more ecstatically amusing if they tried. Cunningly, and very unsubtly, we must note that Melinda Messenger’s inclusion was a twofold attack on the discerning public: first, and most obviously, she is there to make excitable young men (and women) of all ages tune in; and second, it is a publicity stunt on her part trying, as she is, to convince the public that she’s witty, intelligent and an all-round jolly fine woman.

After three years away from the screen having been relegated to Radio 4, Sue Perkins jumped at the chance of a little long-awaited exposure to the great sunshine that is British television audiences. And a good thing it is too, hearing Mel and Sue’s comedy voices on the radio is a pleasure of the highest order, but to see them – or at least one of them – far surpassed even this. It reminded me of all those glorious days I took off school just so I could stay at home and absorb the culture of Light Lunch.

Sue showed herself to be surprisingly sensitive and fragile, in the way that she drunkenly expounded revelations about her torturous two-year relationship with Rhona Cameron, and wept over the bitterness and contempt between the two that now prevails. And this is what makes Celebrity Big Brother great: its ability to show us new sides of people we think we already knew. It’s like re-meeting old friends, rather than the making new friends premise of General Public Big Brother.

We were all glad to see Les “Family Fortunes”

The censors came in and cut out Mr. Owen’s nipple. sorry boys...

Dennis admirably succeeding in taking Vanessa Feltz’s role as the one who is so hopelessly addicted to their celebrity lifestyle that they cannot possibly survive without it for even a second. Incessant head scratching, strokey beard motions and infernal mutterings accompanied his every breath, as he shuffled around the house looking for the nearest B&Q. Unlike the surprisingly wise Anne Diamond, Les could not possibly comprehend that it was, after all, just a game for charity. Anyone who watched and cringed at the pathetic turmoil that swelled through every pore of his body when he had to nominate two people for eviction will surely have wanted to punch him. The man who is one of the biggest jokes in British television took the most fun thing on television far too seriously.

The greatest, most glorious aspect of this whole Celebrity Big Brother thing was, of course, its only real celebrity. Indeed, viewing was wildly improved by the presence of Mark Owen, especially when he lounged around in the swimming pool, looking all naked and wet and lovely. Last I heard, Mark Owen was recording a country and western album in Nashville, so it seems like he is falling fast down the ladder of fame. But this does not mean he is becoming any less attractive; this fine young man is still the object of the lustings of many people, sadly including the Freudian maternal instincts of Anne Diamond. One of the best reasons to watch E4 all day was simply to wait for that excellent moment when Mark gets naked.

But sadly, it didn’t happen enough.

The only person in the house who didn’t mange to redeem themselves was Goldie, who acted exactly like the fool we have been led to believe he is. After supposing that his worst nightmare would be being stuck in the house with a popstar, he seemed to get along quite well with Mark, in between telling Anne that he found her attractive “as an older woman”.

Unfortunately, this paper goes to press before the end of the contest, but I have this curious suspicion that Melinda will emerge as the winner: she is perfect, as everyone has noted, and this is true. She is very kind, and more intelligent than we might have supposed, but above all, she seems to be really easy to live with, which is an important quality to have in Big Brother.

This is just about as much as I have time to say on the matter, as I now have to rush home and catch up on the day’s news with the lovely Mr O’Leary on Big Brother’s Little Brother. I must get my daily fix whilst it is available, for soon it will all be over and the winter despair will descend upon us again. Happy viewing, and make the most of it. As you all know, the people in Big Brother are my only friends, so I will be watching closely in anticipation of its climax, and the end of another loving relationship with reality TV.

Welsh Sporting Stars Come Out to Play

W

ales v Italy, 2-1. For many it could not be topped. Add to that night Bollinger, the Stereophonics, a couple of Welsh rugby players strutting their stuff on the dance floor and the Welsh football team celebrating in V.I.P and you have the V club.

Down the road in the V Club’s sister bar Fontana, the Manic Street Preachers held their interviews after their performance at the game alongside Italian great Pavarotti and the ‘phonics.

As one of Cardiff ’s most up and coming bars to be seen in on a Friday and Saturday night, or anytime anything interesting is going on in Cardiff for that matter, the V club exudes style and class.

Here you won’t have to fight your way to the bar for a vodka and coke or wait hours in the toilet only to find the loo seat has been pulled off and there is no toilet roll left. You won’t get dragged out by doorman either. They are the perfect gentlemen and possibly the best dressed in the place.

Being re-launched at the end of this month with a funky makeover (rumours are of wood panelling, marble bar tops and glass walls) and new and improved V.I.P area (you will now actually be able to see who is in there!) the club will be hosting band nights where new talent can play for drummer and co-owner Stuart Cable.

It is highly speculated that the V club will become the venue of choice for bands and singers playing at the CIA after concerts.

Bars manager Lindsey Bernard said “There is nowhere in Cardiff where stars can go out for a drink and not be hassled. We hope to provide a

venue for them where they can enjoy a drink and the Cardiff night scene like anyone else”.

Whilst aiming for this image it is safe to say the club isn’t doing to badly already when it comes to Welsh celebrities.

As well as those already mentioned the V club has played host on numerous occasions to many members of the cast from Welsh soap Pobol Y Cwm, star sportsman Colin Jackson was seen partying last Friday night as S4C filmed the celebrations and Saturday saw HTV news presenters as well as anchorwoman Sian Lloyd chilling with a bottle of Laurent Perrier.

Although catering for the celebrity the club is keen to stress that all are welcome providing you fit the dress code (no jeans and trainers here I’m afraid unless you’re a Stereophonic!).

Stuart’s business partner local restaurateur Tony Venditto is keen to create a club with a reputation similar to that of the Met bar in London with the mix of a chilled out atmosphere coupled with the energy of any celebrity bash.

As well as the obligatory stars, typical clients include local professionals and businessmen mixed in with the odd ambitious student.

Overall the V club is aiming to provide Cardiff with something it is missing. As the capital of Wales it hopes to create a buzz about the city, the music scene and its home grown stars.

Through providing a venue in their homeland which they can feel as comfortable in as any in London and other big cities they bring a bit of glamour home.

Amber Sutton

Interesting chap with a damn fine read...

“

The players are under so much duress, it’s like durressic park out there.

Sport

SPORT FEATURES. Below

Club and international rugby opinion

”

Sid Waddell, Sky Sports darts commentator IMG football results and tables

p. 26

p. 25 COMMENT. Page 25

Issue 732. 9th December 2002 Sport Editors: Tristan Thomas, David Williams, Riath Al-Samarai Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net

IMG. Page 26

BUSA. Page 27 Page 24

It’s a cliché, but we’re reviewing 2002 anyway gr sport review of the year Year 2002

Nick Byrne reflects

T

his year has seen some undoubted sporting highlights, such as the redemption of Ronaldo and Brazil, the remarkable achievements of Paula Radcliffe and, of course, the amazing resurgence of Wales as a major footballing force under the stewardship of Mark Hughes.

For some, however, it may be a year they wish to forget.

Any Welsh rugby or English cricket fan will see the year as yet more confirmation of their mediocrity and I doubt Sven Goran-Eriksson will look back at the joys of bedding Ulrika as any consolation for the media battering that followed it.

Its now time for GR Sport to save you the excruciating and tedious task of watching this years BBC Sports Personality of the Year by presenting our very own 2002 awards.

Sports personality of the year It would be impossible to discuss the contenders for this award without mentioning Paula Radcliffe. She won the London Marathon in her first attempt at the distance, gold in the 5,000m at the Commonwealth games, set a European record for the 10,000m and, most breathtaking of all, set a new world record for the marathon in Chicago.

Last month the IAAF named her as their World Female

Athlete of the Year and she will no doubt add to that the BBC Sports Personality Award.

Other contenders for our award were Lleyton Hewitt, Ronaldo and Michael Schumacher but in my view, the actual winner is far more deserving of the award than all the other contenders. Step forward and take a bow Mr Lloyd Scott, the 2002 GR Sports Personality of the Year.

Running, or to be more accurate, walking the London Marathon in a 120lbs diving suit, Lloyd set a new world record by finishing in a fantastic five days, eight hours, 29 minutes and 46 seconds, comfortably the slowest time ever taken to finish the event.

Winner-LLOYD SCOTT

Paul McGinley celebrates his putt to take the Ryder Cup Wimbledon and finished the year by becoming only the sixth player ever to hold the No 1 spot two years in a row.

Winner-LLEYTON HEWITT

Young sports Coach of the year person of the year Sam Torrance’s achievement Johnny Wilkinson has been simply awesome in England’s many victories this year; Ian Thorpe has cemented his place as the world’s best swimmer by winning six gold medals at the Commonwealth games and Serena Williams has had a fantastic year, winning eight of the thirteen titles she entered and beating her older sister Venus in the final of the French Open, U.S Open and Wimbledon. The award, however, goes to another outstanding young tennis player, Lleyton Hewitt.

The 21-year-old won five titles this year including

of taking the Ryder Cup off the Americans was a great effort and Mark Hughes has done a fantastic job in turning the fortunes of Welsh football around, by installing a much needed professional approach.

As has Clive Woodward in overseeing a year in which England have emerged as officially the world’s best rugby team.

His and England’s true test will come in next year’s World Cup, however. Guus Hiddink deservedly wins this award though, for taking a South Korean team that had previously never even won a game in the World Cup through to the semi-finals, beating the mighty Italy and Portugal along the way. His success resulted in God-like status in South Korea with calls for him to become President and a steady flow of tourists venturing to Holland to buy souvenirs as obscure as bags of soil from his home town with his smiling face adorning the packet.

Winner-GUUS HIDDINK

Team of the year

Lloyd Scott, who won our Sports personality of the year

Brazil deserve a mention for their World Cup victory and Wales deserve massive credit for forcing their way out of the doldrums.

It pains me to say it but England haven’t done that bad

in the Rugby, although their cowardly insistence on continually playing within the home comforts of Twickenham count against them. South Korea’s astonishing progress in the World Cup was nothing short of remarkable. The Australians have had yet another fantastic year in the cricket but, in a tightly contested category, the winners are Sam Torrance’s triumphant European Ryder Cup team. The deciding factor undoubtedly being that they were the only team to humiliate a large amount of Americans in the process of winning.

Winner-EUROPEAN RYDER CUP TEAM

Ashes to ashes CRICKET

Report by Daniel Evans

E

ngland's dream of recapturing the Ashes for the first time in 16 years ended barely half way through the series as they slumped to an innings and 48 run defeat in the Third test in Perth.

It was expected by many, that Nasser Hussain's side would once again fail against the World's best cricket team but it was the manner of defeat that was disappointing.

England simply crumbled.

Last week's embarrassment followed losses of an innings and 51 runs in the second test and 384 runs in the Brisbane opener with the only threat posed by Michael Vaughan's superb 177 in Adelaide.

Hussain though, has had to deal with no fewer than eight injuries to key players and quite fittingly under the circumstances, his side were forced to concede the third test on 223 for 8 due to further ailments.

Although the management can be criticised for the inclusion of unfit bowler, Darren Gough, and allrounder, Andy Flintoff, the team were unlucky to lose the likes of Glamorgan paceman, Simon Jones, who had shown promise before suffering knee ligament damage. Why the divide between the two countries then?

With the County Championship, one-day league and two cup competitions for domestic English players to contest,

fatigue could conceivably cause the recent injury epidemic.

Questions have been asked in recent years about the structure of English County cricket. Too many counties arguably reduces competition for places, allowing many players to remain in a comfort zone.

Domestic cricket in Australia is cut-throat by comparison, with a relatively small number of provincial sides competing for the Sheffield Shield. From grassroots level, players downunder are forced to fight for highly coveted places.

Both Nasser Hussain and Australian captain Steve Waugh disagree with this theory; "We have to look at the type of bowlers we are producing and the type of wickets on which we are playing. We had a great wicket here in Perth but the moment it gets flat in England, people are changing things" said England's captain.

Waugh said: "There are some good players in England and if people want to blame county cricket then they are looking for an easy excuse".

It is difficult to analyse the performance of England this winter; the players may appear inept but injuries have undoubtedly clouded the performances. Whilst the scorecards make painful reading, this Australia side is, undoubtedly, one of the greatest of all-time.

Earnie wise as Bluebirds soar Continued FROM BACK Lawrence made five changes to his side, among them James Collins.

A product of the City youth policy, Collins, who, at over six feet tall, is quite literally making giant strides in his professional football career.

The Welsh U21 international displayed class and maturity beyond his years, to help send Cardiff into the second round of the competition.

Resisting temptation, Tranmere poured wave upon wave of attack at the City rearguard, with Ryan Taylor and the veteran Stuart Barlow, once an FA Cup winner with Everton, spearheading the visitors’ attack.

Tranmere, once renowned as a tricky cup side, lived up to their reputation and looked to cause another upset in one of the game’s oldest competitions. Micky Mellon

slotted home in first half injury time, but City took to the field for the second half with more gusto, and courtesy of goals from Andy Campbell and Collins, they ensured their passage to the second round and a trip to Conference side, Margate.

Rounding off a difficult week, City made the journey to QPR, where they transformed a potentially

awkward encounter into a training exercise, putting four goals past the hapless Londoners. An Earnshaw hattrick and an Andy Campbell strike were enough to take the points back to Wales.

With a bit of luck and a few more goals from Earnshaw and co, the Cardiff City faithful may well be singing from the Division One carol sheet this time next season.

Cardiff continue to increase their crowd figures, and their income

Comment & Analysis

December 9 2002

Page 25

grsport@hotmail.com

Kiwi’s fly as dragons flounder seems to have flown straight past Welsh rugby without sprinkling any magical dust or professional Columnist ethics.

The Welsh International Squad are the pinnacle of rugby in Wales. When they run out in the hen the match red shirts they represent every finished, I sat there Joe Bloggs and Jo Bloggess’ who simply in awe of the run around on a Saturday pure athleticism of the Kiwis. afternoon chasing a dream. This These guys would look quite at goes on relentlessly from home on an Olympic podium.

Bargoed to Bangor, from They were absolute athletes, powerful and determined coupled Pembroke to Prestatyn and with majestic handling skills. How everywhere in between. Why is could the likes of Robin McBryde it that these so-called International-quality players and Gareth Thomas compete can’t take the hint from England against such monumental odds? and train relentlessly until they The world of professionalism

Geraint Rowlands

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can compete with the best?

I can see two blatant reasons for the lack of sheer quality that has plagued Welsh rugby for decades.

Firstly, at grass roots, the drinking ethic still prevails. This is fine. There’s no correlation between the Cardiff Uni teams getting drunk and smoking cigars at every possible occasion and Wales under performing on the World stage.

Celtic cup semi-final showdown Rugby UNION

C Despite recent success, Wales still lack real professionalism

Disagree with Tristan’s choices?

Email grsport@hotmail.com When Alex met Dion Ferguson to Gregory: "Dion’s pretty impressive, isn’t he?"

Gregory: " Er, yeah, he’s doing alright" Ferguson: " No, I’m talking about his cock. He’s hung like a fucking donkey" 1

Peter Beardsley. We’ve taken this from Viz’s ‘Profanisaurus’ to prove our point. drop out n. Underpant condition whereby a testicle protrudes from the bottom of the shreddies (qv), or famously in Peter Beardsley’s case, football shorts. Compare flop out (qv).

2

Don Hutchison and the label. Then Liverpool midfielder "Hutch" was the talk of the town with his amusing ‘beer bottle label on knob" trick. Best not to show off in front of a Screws of the World reporter though, eh Don? 3

Jamie Carragher: Spice boys xmas bash turns lairy.

Traditional fancy dress shenanigans enlivened by Rubinesque strippers. After the whipped cream is brought out, youthful high jincks results in naked Carragher. Stripper: "I thought ah’d gie im a wee treat. So, I did this trick where ah unroll a johnny in ma mooth. But he wasnae up tae it. In fact, it was like a peanut" 4

De Marcus Beasley: 5 We’ve all had that moment when the urge to "pass water" becomes too much. You’ve just gotta go. But you’re playing in the World Cup in a game watched by millions.

Solution: Piss in a sports drink bottle and hope that a German drinks it.

Claire Coles - ANALYSIS

ardiff and Neath will provide an all-Welsh Celtic League semi-final, thanks to their tense quarterfinal victories.

Pontypridd fans saw visitors, Neath, snatch their position in the last four, thanks to two late penalties through their outside half, Lee Jarvis in a 13-12 win.

Jarvis, a former Pontypridd player, came onto the field as a substitute for Shaun Connor during the second half of play.

gr top 5

incidents involving a todger in football

However, the trouble begins when the same emphasis on beer and fags exists right up the pyramid structure of top-flight club rugby in Wales. These guys are simply not fit enough to deserve the wages they take home every week.

Secondly, the competitive value of the Celtic league and domestic leagues in Wales is approaching zero. The players aren’t playing against better

Heineken Cup into a weekly competition would be great for Wales but this will never happen due to the reluctance of the RFU to give up a domestic opposition and in turn they fail League scene and the revenues thus associated. Couple this to test themselves to the limit with the fact that the need for a on a weekly basis. The Zurich change in relation to the total League and Super 12s are far athleticism and professionalism more competitive than anything Welsh clubs come up against on a of Welsh rugby is unlikely to bloom in the near future and regular basis. This is highlighted "Houston, we have a problem"! when the Heineken Cup comes The result is not rocket to town and Welsh clubs science. Wales will once again scramble to win a few close-run perform shockingly in the 6 victories but never threaten to Nations and no better in the bring the Cup home to Wales.

2003 World Cup. The extension of the

1. Who won the final of the Davis Cup last week?

2. Who are the two Irish teams left in the Celtic League?

3. Which international football team were known as the Magnificent Magyars in the 1950’s?

4. Who holds the men’s pole vault world record?

5. Which Pakistan cricketer has taken the most Test match hat tricks?

6. Australian Sara Fitz-Gerald is a five-time World Champion in which racquet sport?

7. Which Irishman captained the British Lions on their unbeaten tour of South Africa in 1974?

8. True or false, Wales had a cricket team in the

The change by coach, Lyn Jones, allowed Neath to gain further control of the game.

The only try of the game was a penalty try, awarded to Neath following the referee’s controversial decision that Pontypridd had pulled down a rolling maul close to their own try line.

Neath were then poised to play the winner of Saturday’s quarter-final tie between Edinburgh and Cardiff at

Meadowbank Stadium.

A fantastic display saw Cardiff force themselves through to the next stage of the competition with a battling 26-22 victory.

The performance would have boosted the morale of many Welsh rugby enthusiasts in what can best be described as a dire patch in the history of rugby in the principality.

A solid first half performance by Edinburgh saw them take control before Cardiff made a battle of the second period.

Following a clash with Martin

gr sports quiz Email entries to grsport@hotmail.com first World Cup? 9. In football, who is the World Cup’s leading goalscorer?

10. In which event did Alex Coomber win an Olympic bronze medal for Great Britain?

11. Only one left-handed snooker player has won snooker’s World Championship, who is it?

12. Which Welshman reached the BDO darts World Championship in 1997?

13. Who is the Champions League all time leading goalscorer?

Leslie, coach David Young, on his return from retirement, was sent to the sin-bin.

Despite the loss of Young, the Blue and Blacks put Edinburgh under pressure in the second half. Tries by Rhys Williams and Ryan Powell, supplemented by the goalkicking ability of Iestyn Harris, delivered a Welsh victory.

Neath will host Cardiff at the Gnoll in January as Cardiff look set to single-handedly fight for the resurgence of Welsh rugby.

14. Who recently ended Leicester Tigers five year unbeaten home record in the Zurich Premiership?

15. In which sport is the Melbourne Cup competed for?

16. Which team knocked QPR out of this season’s FA Cup? 17. How many times did Jackie Stewart win the World driver’s championship?

18. Name three football teams whose nicknames are birds?

19. Which jump jockey holds the record for the highest number of wins in a season?

20. And finally, who holds the record for the longest holed putt in television history?

The winners of last weeks quiz was Mark Giles, with 18/20. 1. Wrexham 2. Michael Vaughan 3. Christian Cullen 4. Triathlon 5. West Indies 6. Austria 7. Henry Cooper 8. 17 9. Alex Ferguson 10. Triple jump 11. Solheim Cup 12. Retief Goosen 13. Gloucestershire 14. Paul Hunter 15. Nagano 16. New Zealand 17. Durham 18. Italy 19. PaulWalsh 20. Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago and Tommy Gunn

Do I not like that...

Something on your chest? Riled by our report? Contact us. email grsport@hotmail.com ot text 07791 165837 basis. P.S. how jammy was Bellamy’s goal Robby Bobson against Everton, damn it!

Letter of the Week

Win this copy of the gair rhydd. Go on, it’s yours!

Surely it is a mistake to not put any youngsters from the Academy squad into the England team for the last two test matches of the Ashes. It just shows how old-fashioned and stuck in their ways the England selectors are. There are players like James Anderson and Chris Tremlett who would gain valuable experience in the atmosphere of big matches. Along with wicketkeeper Mark Wallace, England might actually play well. Even if they did lose 5-0, they would be no worse off than the current team who will lose 5-0 anyway. It is time for players such as Alec Stewart and Andy Caddick to hang up their boots permanently.

Yours truly, Sean Close, 2nd year English student

Bowling Warney!

GR Sport: It is a mistake not to give youngsters the chance, but then hasn’t English cricket always been like that. If it were up to us, the whole team should be dropped and eleven Academy players brought in. This won’t happen because Nasser Hussain knows that they would show them up.

Dear GR sport, How annoying is Bobby Robson. First of all he is given a knighthood, for doing what, I don’t know and then he plays Craig Bellamy twice in one week. This is exactly why he didn’t want Bellamy to play for Wales. How big a hypocrite is he? It just goes to show that when Welsh players are involved it is the national team that suffers, not that Bellamy was needed anyway. When England have a match, even a friendly, all matches are cancelled and Bobby Robson doesn’t say anything then.

First it was Alex Ferguson, sorry, Sir Alex, who prevented Ryan Giggs from playing for Wales, now it is the Geordie OAP who is hampering Wales’ chances of qualification.

Yours, Mark Tomlinson, 2nd year Biology student GR Sport. : It isn’t right, is it? However, if Wales can win without Bellamy, then you haven’t got much to worry about my friend.

At least it looks now though as if Ryan Giggs will be playing for Wales on a regular

Varsity blues Dear GR sport I feel that I have to write a letter in response to the news that the Varsity match this year is being played in Bridgend and not the Arms Park. As a rugby fan I would like to know why this decision has been made. Not only will it mean that we will have to travel to the game but it means that Cardiff will lose any home advantage they would have had had the game been in Cardiff. Why not play the match at the Millennium Stadium, if the Arms Park wasn’t an option! I, along with many other rugby supporters have been let down.

From an angry rugby fan GR Sport: The reason for the game being played in Bridgend is due to rugby politics of some sort. Cardiff Arms Park is unavailable. But why not go and watch the game anyway. Take the day off, miss your lectures, there’s always the next one. Come on you Jacks. I mean Cardiff.

Inter Mural Games

Page 26

December 9 2002

grsport@hotmail.com

Carbs A still IMG favourites

Football WEEK 1

consecutive season. In the big game, Carbs B upset Chemsoc; a result that means the chemists’ chances of a place in the Premiership are all but gone.

Group D continues to be as tight as they come; Ecosoc taking pole position again with a victory over Planderlecht.

They cannot take it easy for a minute though, with both Law A and Planathinaikos breathing down their necks, after dispatching Pharmacy and Psycho Athletico respectively.

The real drama of the day took place in Group C. Accountancy and Momed both comfortably beat their opponents but fully expected to still be well behind Economics, who took their 100% record into their game with History.

However, History were first to every ball and came away with a great victory which leaves four teams in contention for the two Premiership berths.

Certainly, come the final game, there will be no allegations of match fixing directed at Economics now!

Billy Lee for GR Sport CARBS A continued their imperious form, to become the first team to reach next year’s Premiership. Their dominance over the rest of the division was confirmed with a comprehensive thrashing of Myg Myg. FC Real continued their winning streak, with a comfortable win over Law B. The First Division is well within reach for all the unseeded teams of the group. Earth Soc’s victory over Sawsa and Uni Hallstars controversial win over Auxilliary Engin mean only three points separate all six teams.

The fight for the Premiership is hotting up in Group B. Jomec’s easy win over Bute Park put them back to the top, whilst Torpedo Engin kept the pressure on with victory over Accountington Stanley. A return to form for RPR, who got their season going with a fine win over Gym Gym, but they need to rely on other teams’ slip-ups to get into Division 1 for a second

The IMG has seen a remarkable number of goals this season

I MG

FOOTBALL

Results

November 27 2002

Myg Myg

0-11

FC Real

5-0

Carbs A Law B

Sawsa

2-4

Earth Soc

Uni Hallstars

5-4

Auxilliary Engin

Carbs B

2-0

Chemsoc

Gym Gym

2-5

RPR

Jomec

7-1

Bute Park Utd

Torpedo Engin Accountancy

3-0 12-3

I MG

Mathletico Madrid

History

2-1

Economics

Momed

8-2

Irish Woka Juniors

Ecosoc

2-0

Planderlecht

Law A

6-0

Pharmacy

Planathinaikos

1-0

Psycho Athletico

FOOTBALL

Results

Amusingly, Economics lost to History, leaving them second Billy Lee for GR Sport A FEAST of goals this week sets up a fascinating final week in IMG. Group A saw FC Real beat Carbs A in the battle of the big guns. Both had already clinched a Premiership spot but Real will now have the mental edge when the two meet after Christmas.

Uni Hallstars and Auxilliary Engin gave themselves a fighting chance of a place in the First Division, with easy wins over Earth Soc and Law B respectively. After a promising start, the lawyers are on a run of four successive defeats and need to turn their season around quickly.

Reigning champions Jomec all but booked their place in the Premiership with a hard fought win over Carbs B. Carbs, the surprise outfit of a very hard group, must now rely on their conquerors to do them a favour and beat Torpedo Engin, if they are to make it to the top division next year. Engin put themselves in second spot after a win over the seeded Chemsoc, whose season is going from bad to worse. They face off against RPR, who won a lot more comfortably than a two goal margin suggests against Bute Park Utd, knowing that if they fail to win they will be in Division 1. In the other game, Gym Gym finally broke their duck to give themselves a

fighting chance of getting into Division 2 with a comfortable win over Accountington Stanley.

Group C saw Accountancy destroy Irish in a record breaking victory, with Ford, Barbe and Minagawa each netting four times.

Accountancy need only draw in their final game to clinch a premiership spot.

Momed did themselves a big favour, knocking eleven past Cathays FC, with last year’s Player of the Year, Matt Johnson, notching his first hattrick in IMG. Special mention must go to old timer Chris Wathan, for managing his first full ninety minutes of the season.

Economics realistically must beat Accountancy in the last game to get to the Premiership, while History must do the same to Momed and hope that other results to go their way.

Law A all but confirmed their place in the Premiership with a victory over Planderlecht.

The race to join them is on with Ecosoc and Planathinaikos playing off in the final week. Woka and Planderlecht will meet to determine who will be in Division 1; the mental edge being with Woka after two successive easy wins.

With just a week to go it couldn’t be tighter. There is going to be a lot of big games come Wednesday.

THIS SEASON’S IMG awards is sponsored by the Night Inn. As part of their sponsorship deal, the Night Inn decided to award a full kit to whichever team purchased the most alcohol in October. After a month of hangovers and painful wallets, Carbs B proved victorious and were given 15 new white Nike kits.

December 4 2002

Aux. Engin

8-2

Law B

Carbs A

0-2

FC Real

Earth Soc

1-5

Uni Hallstars

Sawsa

tba

Myg Myg

A. Stanley

0-4

Gym Gym

Chemsoc

0-2

Torpedo Engin

Jomec

3-1

Carbs B

RPR

4-2

Bute Park Utd

Accountancy

17-0

Irish

Economics

3-1

Mathletico Madrid

Momed

11-0

Cathays FC

W. Wanderers

3-5

History

Pharmacy

0-3

Woka Juniors

Planathinaikos

4-0

CU FC

Planderlecht

1-5

Law A

Psycho Athletico

0-0

Ecosoc

IMG Pos

Group A P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 FC Real

6

6

0

0

32

4

28

18

2 Carbs A

6

5

0

1

39

5

34

15

3 Aux. Engin

6

3

0

3

24

21

3

9

4 Uni Hallstars

6

3

0

3

18

23

-5

9

5 Law B

6

2

0

4

16

25

-9

6

6 Sawsa FC

5

2

0

3

11

30

-19

6

7 Earth Soc

6

1

0

5

13

-15

3

8 Myg Myg

5

1

0

4

11

28 28

-17

3

I MG Pos

Group B P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Jomec

6

5

1

0

31

11

20

16

2 Torpedo Engin

6

5

0

1

20

5

15

15

3 Carbs B

6

4

1

1

23

9

14

13

4 RPR

3

0

3

17

16

1

9

5 Chemsoc

6 6

3

0

3

12

12

0

9

6 Gym Gym

6

1

1

4

14

22

-8

4

7 A. Stanley

6

1

1

4

5

17

-12

4

8 Bute Park Utd

6

0

0

6

5

35

-30

0

I MG Pos

W. Wanderers

0-4

0-5

Momed post record score to set-up epic group C finale

A. Stanley

Cathays FC

CU FC

Football WEEK 2

Group C P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Accountancy

6

5

0

1

53

13

40

15

2 Economics

6

5

0

1

24

5

19

15

3 Momed

6

4

1

1

39

12

27

13

4 History

6

4

1

1

19

18

1

13

5 M. Madrid

6

2

1

3

16

13

3

7

6 Irish

6

1

1

4

9

39

-30

4

7 Cathays FC

6

1

0

5

5

31

-26

3

8 W. Wanderers

6

0

0

6

12

46

-34

0

The management team Pos P behind this season’s surprise 1 Law A 6 package from the ‘group of 2 Ecosoc 6 death’, Rob Brooke and Chris 3 Planathinaikos 6 Dolling, expressed surprise at maintaining a high level of 4 Woka Juniors 6 performance, despite turning 5 Planderlecht 6 up to most games with a team 6 Psycho Athletico 6 of drunks. Perhaps Night Inn 7 Pharmacy 6 beers improve footballer’s performance.

8 CU FC 6

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

4

2

0

21

9

12

14

4

1

1

14

3

11

13

4

1

1

15

9

6

13

3

1

2

19

9

10

10

3

0

3

21

12

9

9

1

2

3

10

10

0

5

1

1

4

11

17

-6

4

0

0

6

0

42

-42

0

I MG

Group D

University Sport

December 9 2002

Page 27

grsport@hotmail.com

Mixed fortunes on court Rosalind Sack on Netball

Netball scenes: precision shooting won the day

Week 1 BUSA

ROUND-UP

Results

2nd Week. Wed November 27

Men’s Badminton 1sts

3-5

Swansea

Men’s Badminton 2nds

5-4

Bath

6-3

Oxford

Women’s Badminton 1sts

67-88

Oxford

Women’s Basketball 1sts

45-48

Swansea

Women’s Fencing 1sts

90-53

Men’s Basketball 1sts

Exeter Gloucester

Men’s Football 2nds

2-2

Men’s Football 4ths

3-0

Medics

4-0

Aberystwyth

Women’s Football 1sts Golf 1sts

Plymouth

3.5-2.5

UWIC

Men’s Hockey 1sts

5-1

Men’s Hockey 2nds

1-1

Bath

Men’s Hockey 3rds

0-2

UWIC

Women’s Hockey 1sts

2-1

Gloucester

Women’s Hockey 2nds

4-0

Cardiff 3

Women’s Hockey 3rds

0-4

Cardiff 2

Lacrosse 1sts

5-14

Southampton

Netball 1sts

43-58

Bath

Netball 3rds

64-18

Aberystwyth

Men’s Rugby Union 1sts

17-13

Medics

Men’s Rugby 3rds

9-9

UWIC

Women’s Rugby U 1sts

17-5

Gloucester

Men’s Squash 1sts

4-1

Exeter

Men’s Squash 2nds

6-0

UWIC

Men’s Tennis 1sts

5-1

Portsmouth

Men’s Volleyball 1sts

1-3

Week 2 BUSA

ROUND-UP

Results

2nd Week. Wed 4 December 77-85

Bath

Women’s Basketball 1sts

27-48

Exeter

Men’s Fooyball 1sts

W/O

Lampeter

Men’s Basketball 1sts

Men’s Football 2nds

1-2

Aberystwyth

Men’s Football 3rds

1-1

Swansea

Golf 1sts

6-0

Portsmouth

Men’s Hockey 2nds

1-5

Exeter

Men’s Hockey 3rds

1-7

UWE

Women’s Hockey 2nds

5-1

Bath

Netball 1sts

44-47

Brunel

Netball 2nds

49-48

Exeter

Men’s Rugby Union 2nds

19-25

Exeter

Women’s Rugby U 1sts

0-10

Medics

Men’s Tennis 1sts

3-1

Bournemouth

Women’s Volleyball 1sts

3-0

Bath

Men’s Squash 1sts

5-0

Gloucester

Women’s Squash 1sts

W/O

Bath

Men’s Tennis 1sts

2-4

Bristol

Women’s Tennis 1sts

1-5

Exeter

Women’s Volleyball 1sts

3-0

Southampton

CARDIFF NETBALL 2nds turned in a fine performance against Exeter in a return match, which on paper should have been a comfortable win for the visitors, who claimed a 30-goal victory in week 3 of BUSA. The first quarter saw the lead shift from team to team, with a great Cardiff defence pressurising some excellent Exeter shooting from all over the circle. The opening strong foundations paved the way for a break away in the second quarter; Cardiff pulling ahead in possession and goals to reach a ninegoal lead by half-time.

Cardiff kept up the pressure in the 3rd quarter;

man of the match Vicky Hill showed her skills at Wing Defence and some confident movement and precision shooting was on show from the attacking partnership.

However, the final quarter produced a defiant comeback from the trailing Exeter side and some tired legs and missed shots led the opposition to a draw at 48 all with a few seconds to the final whistle. Cardiff had the centre and Clare Gallop kept her cool at Goal Attack, sinking the last shot into the net to give Cardiff the full time victory. Final score, 4948.

The 1sts also had a more impressive return game against Brunel at Talybont, narrowly missing out on victory but drawing on some

positive aspects of play from the team. Cardiff had a slow start and despite some effective spells of play from a number of defensive tips, they went into the second half trailing by 25 goals to 14.

The ever-dominant figure of captain, Cat O’Callaghan, on at Goal Attack after the break, spurred on the team and together with the return of Helen Richards to Wing Defence after illness, Cardiff began to look like realistic challengers to the leaders. By the final quarter, the team were starting to gel and they fought their way back to within a few goals of the lead, but this last ditch effort proved just too late as they ran out of time to give the win to Brunel with a final score of 47 goals to 44.

Spoon full of points help the medics go down Jimbo Swank on Rugby CARDIFF 1ST XV held on in injury time to clinch victory in what proved to be a thrilling local derby, to beat the Medics 17-13.

In doing so, they completed a brace of wins over the Medics this season.

The Medics side, looking to avenge defeat earlier in the season, called up a number of non-regulars to strengthen their squad in preparation for this fixture.

For Cardiff, victory was equally paramount in their quest for BUSA promotion this season.

Despite having the better of the territory and possession, Cardiff went into half-time with an eight point deficit. With the strong wind in the home side’s favour in the second half, the black and reds’ confidence grew.

However, it was the Medics who scored next, but trailing 13-0, the Cardiff 1st XV players showed the degree of

Eight points down at half time, Cardiff had to up their game character that has been somewhat absent from their performances in recent weeks.

Griff Jones led the Cardiff fight-back, gathering a spilt ball and crossing the try line.

Moments later, Geoff Hobbs cut a sublime angle to score between the posts.

The conversion followed and with only six minutes remaining, Cardiff led 14-13.

As the game moved to a

close, Cardiff remained tactically astute, pinning the Medics back in their corners.

Cardiff further increased their lead to four points through a penalty, which ensured that the Medics had to score a try to win with time running out. Despite the Medics efforts, the Cardiff defence held firm.

The final whistle marked the end to Cardiff’s closest game so far this season.

CU host Frisbee regionals Iain Davies on Frisbee LAST WEEKEND saw the arrival of Ultimate Frisbee in the capital, for the annual South West Regional Qualifiers.

The south west region has now become probably the most fiercely competitive region in the country, especially with it being the only region to involve 3 countries (South West England, Wales and Ireland).

With only three slots in nationals available for the 24 competing teams, it led to one of the best weekends of Frisbee this city has ever seen.

After difficult pools on the Saturday, Cardiff’s first team topped its group, placing it in a do or die battle with 7th seeds, Southampton, on Sunday morning.

The Second team beat tough opposition to follow the 1sts into the next stage, making Cardiff the only university with 2 teams in the top 8.

Southampton versus Cardiff was a much awaited match, and the game was just as tight as anticipated, with Cardiff unlucky to lose out in controversial style, having a vital point revoked in the dying stages and losing on the replay.

The second team suffered

a similar fate, as they also lost their quarter-final to a very strong Exeter team.

Cardiff’s two sides then fought it out in a placing play-off. This was itself a very hard fought affair as tempers frayed, with the previous rounds disappointment fresh in the mind.

The first team overcame a great deal of early pressure before pulling away in the last few minutes to take the tie.

Disappointment was great for the Cardiff Team on not making nationals for the first time in their history but the future looks bright for the team.

Korfballers let Southern title slip Neil Blain reporting FOR THE third year running, Cardiff Korfball Team narrowly let victory slip through their fingers at the South of England Championships.

Cardiff once again reached the final of the Southerns but were beaten 3-2 by a strong University of East Anglia team. Despite having lost some of its best players from the previous year, Cardiff had trained hard to produce a fresh team with great potential.

This year’s team received an instant blow at the Southerns when they were beaten by Cambridge, but convincing victories against UEA and Birmingham meant they had reached the semi-finals.

A tense battle with Bristol ended 4-2 when Ramzi Barbir spectacularly tipped in Grace Stimpson’s miss to give Cardiff the lead. Matt Cooks and Ben Smith’s impenetrable defensive wall prevented Bristol from drawing level.

In the final a quick goal from Coach, Susan Belfourd, gave Cardiff a quick lead, but UEA gradually crept back to 2-1.

Events improved for Cardiff when Captain Neil Blain equalised, but they were instantly turned round when the player he was marking gained revenge by scoring in the dying minutes to give UEA a 3-2 victory.

Although Cardiff failed to win for the third year running, as runners up they gained a third seed for the National Championships that will be held in Cardiff next year.

Canoe club are slalom champs Owen Davies reporting Cardiff University Canoe Club performed outstandingly well to capture the title of Welsh University Slalom Champions, held recently in Llandysul.

The annual event was cancelled last year due to high water levels and with six universities contesting the title, competition was fierce.

The first day of competition saw the team event, with Rebecca John, Alex Thomas and Ruth Warfield taking first place for Cardiff in the women’s category.

Cardiff also secured both second and third place in the open event, thanks to performances from Slalom Becky, Owen Davies, Alex Pienkowski and also Tim Ford, David Bishop and Adrian Laber.

In the singles’ event, Anna Mitchell took second place and David Bishop achieved third place in the ladies and men’s categories respectively.

Cardiff’s win at the slalom championships will hopefully be the start of another successful year for the canoe club.

“...The emphasis on beer and fags exists right up the pyramid structure of top-flight rugby in Wales...” Page 25

IMG Football

2002 Review

The final week approaches, and IMG is ridiculously exciting. See our tables.

GR Sport presents its alternative award ceremony.

Sport

text 07791 165837

9 December 2002 - Issue 732

gair rhydd

email gsport@hotmail.com

Cardiff trounce their poly rivals UNI HOCKEY

Alex Menary, from Talybont

AN EXHILARATING and action packed 1st XI clash between Cardiff University and their polytechnic rivals from Cyncoed saw a disciplined and irresistible University side emerge as worthy 5-1 winners UWIC arrived confident of victory, after a previous meeting in BUSA between the sides had seen them squeeze past 2-1. However, the form was with Cardiff after earning a 4-4 draw against the institute in a Saturday fixture the previous weekend.

A partisan crowd on the sidelines raised the usual high temperatures reserved for these games to almost boiling point. It was not long before Cardiff drew first blood however, as Jon Collis fired in from wide of the goal with the keeper seemingly rooted to the spot. This is not to draw away from the sublime finish which had the crowd up in arms.

The institute were clearly rattled, and not long after the first score, Cardiff were two ahead; once again Collis the scorer from a well-worked short-corner routine.

Unfortunately, at this point Collis became a marked man and it was not long before the Polytechnic let their discipline slip; the offender lucky to escape a caution as the

hapless scorer had to leave the field.

Into the second half and the bitter wind served only to spur the University on. This time, Ollie Cooper was the man UWIC should have been watching as he flitted through the gaping defence to score.

Minutes later, he added a second to his tally with an outstanding, drag flick that left the Poly keeper with no chance.

Cooper himself was also the victim of some questionable

tackling and frequently found his path to the goal blocked with feet- first challenges usually reserved for nonleague football sides. This came to a head with an absolutely diabolical tackle on Bob Singh and the UWIC player was rightly sin-binned for the remainder of the game for his efforts.

UWIC did snatch a goal towards the end of the game, but it was poor consolation, especially when Alex Bath poored scorn on the Poly, finishing them off by scoring a fine goal to make it 5-1.

Cardiff Korfball reach the semi’s in the South of England Championship p. 24 REPORT Cardiff stayed alert throughout to complete a 5-1 rout

Earnie wise as Bluebirds soar Bluebird Watch

Riath Al-Samarrai, Sports Editor

PROMOTION WILL be top of Lennie Lawrence’s Christmas list as his Cardiff City side sledge into the festive fixture programme in a commanding position at the top of the Division Two table.

Leading the City charge is Welsh International Robert Earnshaw, who has notched up an impressive 16 league goals so far this season and is continuing to tow the sled for both the Bluebirds, and Wales.

In recognition of this good form, Earnshaw was awarded the October P.F.A Fans’ Player of the Month, shortly before their recent league encounter with mid-table Chesterfield.

Coming in on the back of three straight defeats, Chesterfield were clear Not Riath CHESS

underdogs, but come the final whistle, there were more than just a few sighs of relief in the 13,ooo plus Ninian Park crowd, as Cardiff were left to thank a solitary 12th minute Peter Thorne header for sparing their blushes.

In the biting breeze, Cardiff were nearly caught cold several times in the opening exchanges; at times even being out played by their lowly opposition.

Chesterfield’s best chance of the game came when Captain Steve Payne was tripped inside the area. From the resultant penalty, Chris Brandon, up until this stage the best player on the park, sent his spot kick high and wide of Neil Alexander’s goal.

In the season of good will, City will hardly feel more gifted than when the referee pursed his lips and blew the whistle to signal another three points enroute to the promised land of Division One football next season.

League Div 2 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Wigan Athletic Cardiff City Bristol City Oldham Athletic Crewe Alexandra QPR Luton Town Chesterfield Brentford Blackpool Tranmere Rovers Port Vale

A congested fixture calendar meant that the Bluebirds would have to entertain Tranmere Rovers in an FA Cup replay just two days later.

Ahead of this tie,

Continued on Page 24 Pl.

G.D.

Pts.

20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20

21 20 18 20 13 6 3 -4 2 -3 -11 -5

44 43 41 39 35 30 30 30 29 28 27 26

Earnshaw hopes that his form will strike fear into opponent’s

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