gair rhydd - Issue 733

Make pop not war

Inside GRiP: Starting a new year of joy and splendour

Features consider what the future holds for 2003 Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

Monday 20th January / Free Word 733

gairrhydd

“Like Omaf Sharif without the hair”

Around the world in seven games Anna Hodgekiss reports A GROUP of Cardiff students are embarking on a Global Football Challenge in an attempt to set a world record.

The aim is to play a football match on each of the world’s seven continents in as fast a time as possible - raising money for the British Red Cross Disaster Fund along the way.

Matches will be played against local teams at each destination of the Challenge, including Sydney, Johannesburg, Miami and Chile, with the centrepiece being a game on King George Island at the tip of the Antarctic peninsula.

The event, organised entirely by students, has already attracted attention from both local and national press, Budweiser and HRH the Prince of Wales. Welsh National team manager Mark Hughes also supports the unique Challenge.

Following months of planning, the Challenge is to

be held in mid December this year. Organisers will be seeking sponsors within the next three months, this being the primary source of finance.

Various fundraising events have also been planned, namely a celebrity football match in Cardiff to kick off the event, planned to last 12 days.

Cardiff students have the opportunity to assist fundraising through a six-aside football tournament during May and theme nights in the Student’s Union.

With two posts still remaining, the project organisers are currently seeking Cardiff University students to join the team.

Despite initial interviews, there were no applications for the post of goalkeeper or for a fluent Welsh-speaking footballer to assist in Welsh publicity.

Unfortunately for female football enthusiasts, only male applications can be considered, which Challenge organisers stress is due to FIFA rules and the Guinness

“An opportunity like this doesn’t come along every day. It’s the chance of a lifetime.”

GLOBAL FOOTBALL CHALLENGE CO-ORDINATOR TOM KEYTE

The global football challenge team Book of Records not recognising mixed teams.

Students who are interested must be reliable, hard working and full of ideas. The challenge will cost nothing to participants but it will involve a substantial amount of time in organising and training.

Project Co-ordinator Tom Keyte encouraged keen footballers to come forward, saying: “an amazing opportunity like this doesn’t come along every day.

“It’s the chance of a lifetime.

“It’s free but you need to

put a lot of work in, although it will definitely be worth it.” gair rhydd will be following the Global Football Challenge’s progress over the next few months, and organisers have hinted they are in talks with outside bodies to increase the event’s

scale even further.

Anyone interested in participating in the Challenge can collect application forms from the Student Development Unit on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Assaults on students multiply Dominic O’Neill reports

Student Atif Akhtar: victim of knife assault

POLICE AND university security officers in Cardiff are warning students to remain vigilant at all times after a series of shocking assaults.

Atif Ahktar (pictured) was scarred for life in a vicious attack, while walking back to his flat in Talybont.

A number of serious sexual attacks have also recently been perpetrated against female students.

One man has already been arrested, and was charged last week with indecently assaulting a female student.

The student was walking home though the lane inbetween Park Place and Cathays train station at around

8pm on Monday December 30.

The man, in his fifties, has admitted to South Wales Police that he has a history of sexual harrassment and indecent exposure.

Detective Inspector Neil Beasley of Cardiff Central CID said, “He came down to Cardiff for the sole purpose of indecently exposing himself.

“His fetish was to flash at females. But this time he took it a bit further.

“He pushed the victim against the wall and tried to undo her coat.

“It wasn’t far off an attempted rape.”

Another female student was assaulted in the early hours of Sunday December 29 on Senghennydd Road. The attacker, an Asian male of

approximately 22 years of age, has still not been caught.

Cardiff University’s Security Operations Manager Tony Lewis said: “These assaults were clearly not committed by the same person, but there are ways that they could have been avoided.

“Students should try harder not to walk alone at night.”

“If you are going home on your own then you should

take a taxi.”

First year Biosciences student Atif Akhtar was confronted by a “youngish” man after walking home along Talybont Cycle Path at around 3am on Friday Januay 10.

After refusing to hand over his wallet and mobile telephone, Atif was punched

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YOU TALKIN’ TO ME? FILM TAKE A LOOK AT THE LIFE AND FILMS OF SCORSESE. GRIP P6 News p 1–4 ● Opinion p. 5 ● Lettersp.09 Features p.11 Sport p.18 ● GRiP p11 ● TV listings GRiPp.13

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News

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January 20 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

IN BRIEF Union Innovation message for students

THE MINISTER for Economic Development in the Welsh Assembly Government, Andrew Davies AM, will address an audience of business people later this month.

Mr Davies will be one of two guest speakers at the January meeting of the Cardiff University Innovation Network, where he will speak on “Wales for Innovation and the Welsh Assembly Government’s Action Plan for Innovation.”

He will be joined by Dr Tim Bradshaw, the Senior Policy Adviser for Technology and Innovation at the CBI, who will present findings of the CBI survey on Innovation Potential.

The meeting will take place on January 29th at 6pm, in the Bute Building.

Admission is free but places must be booked in advance by contacting the Cardiff University Innovation Network.

‘Batmobile’ to patrol streets of student village Mark Cobley reports

THE UNION is set to receive its own security patrol vehicle, which will circulate around the student village to prevent crime and protect students.

The Security and Surveillance Vehicle Service, which has been described as the Union’s own “batmobile”, has been organised by Communications & Community Officer Ellie King and President Caz Noyes.

Cardiff Students’ Union is the first union in the country to bring in the service, which will receive its official launch this Friday.

Staffed by two members of the Unisec security team, the ex-police car will feature CCTV cameras front and back to record any incidents, an interior carphone with a direct link to the police and university security, and a scrolling electric messageboard on the back which will inform students of road THE STUDENT advice centre safety issues.

The vehicle will also form is warning students against signing house contracts too a prominent part of the SOUL early following recent scare tactics from agencies in Cardiff.

Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer Emma Bebington said: “leaflets are already being sent to houses in Cathays telling students that the best houses will go first.

This is extremely misleading. Rhiannon Davies reports My concern is this will push students into house-hunting CARDIFF UNIVERSITY months before they need to. students were among those I would certainly advise any taking part in an anti-war student to at least wait until demonstration in Cardiff they have attended the housing on Saturday. fair (February 4 2002) - but The Cardiff Socialist even this is very early.

Students’ Society gathered Searching in March / April is outside the Union building probably better. In previous before marching to rally years people who looked in outside City Hall.

September were still able to A number of students find quality housing, so there attended the lively really is no rush.” demonstration, which went on through the centre of Cardiff, down to Cathedral Road.

The demonstration was organised by the South Wales Coalition To Stop The War and was supported by CND ADDRESS Cymru.

Speakers on the day University Union included Labour MP Richard Park Place Edwards and Plaid Cymru AM Cardiff Helen Mary Jones.

Many demonstrators were CF10 3QN carrying banners at the rally, including a large ‘No War for EDITORIAL Oil’ banner carried by Cardiff

Housing rush!

(Save Our Union Licence) campaign by reminding students to walk home quietly and with respect for the local residents in the area.

Noisy students walking home from the Union and town in the eary hours of the morning are often a cause of complaints from local residents and threaten the future of Solus’ late licence.

Ellie King said that she hoped the vehicle would improve student safety.

“There were no specific incidents or complaints that lead to us providing the security car, but obviously the recent attacks in the area show how useful it will be.

“The student Union views this step as a clear demonstration of its commitment to environmental issues and the general safety of its L-R: Tony Lewis, Deputy Head of Union Security, Ellie King, members, together with its Union Communications Officer and PC Bob Keohane ongoing aim to enhance the “However, it is likely the It will then return down overall experience of student Colum Road and Park Place patrol car will be active life in Cardiff.”

The vehicle will start before doing a loop around around pub closing time at 11pm, Union closing time at patrols on February 3, and Senghennydd Court.

“The patrol times have not 2am, and possibly earlier in will tour Cathays before been decided yet,” Ellie said. the evening if needed.” travelling up to Talybont.

Students rally against Iraq war

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02920 781434

University students.

Feelings were strong at the march and a spokesperson for the Socialist Students’ Society commented, “It seems that war is about to start and it is time that we put pressure on governments in countries like Britain and the US.” The demonstration was just one in a number of events organised by the Stop The War Coalition which encourages people to become active in showing their opposition to the threat of war in Iraq.

There is a national demonstration for the “Don’t Attack Iraq” campaign taking place on February 15 in Central London, and the Union is putting on coaches for students to use.

The Socialist Students’ society is also calling for lecture walkouts on the day that war is announced and a demonstration will take place that evening in the centre of Cardiff.

ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

Anti-War protestors in Cardiff

Students attacked CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 and slashed across the face with a knife.

“My eyes were swollen shut so I had to miss five exams which I had revised hard for. I have to come back to university in August to do them now.”

The police and security have advised Atif not to walk down the route any more. But he feels that avoiding certain areas during the hours of darkness seriously restricts students’ freedom.

“It is as if we can’t go anywhere,” he said.

“You can’t just tell students not to walk down there. It’s just not good enough.

“There should be more cameras and more of a security presence around the university.”

But Security Manager Tony Lewis says the university has already spent a lot of money improving security.

“Spending even more money on security could mean fees would have to be increased.”

DI Neil Beasley commented: “Street lighting in Cardiff is definitely not good enough.

Students have to stay away from poorly-lit areas.”

Students are also advised to use the union’s free bus service, which will stop anywhere after 10pm.

News

January 20 2003

Page 3

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

Nominations now open for Union by-elections Laura Welsh for gair rhydd NOMINATIONS HAVE now opened for two positions on the part time Executive, Mature Students Officer and LGB Students Officer.

Those elected to the posts will be members of the Executive, as well as representing the particular student groups.

Officers elected to those positions can make a large difference to the way the Union is run. Those elected to the voluntary positions will hold office from February 14 until July 2003.

The Mature Students Officer’s role is to represent those students, as well as being given a budget and resources to run campaigns on issues affecting them.

The LGB Officer works to support lesbian, gay and bisexual students, ensuring they are represented in the Union, University and in the community. The LGB officer also organises campaigns of interest to LGB students with the budget and resources available at the time.

The positions take up only as much time as the Officer wants to give, though attendance is required at one weekly meeting and one fortnightly SUC meeting.

Union officials are keen that the posts are filled. Union President Caz Noyes said: “LGB and Mature Students are of paramount importance to the Students Union and without officers, both of these groups of students have inadequate representation on the Student Union Executive.”

Nominations shut at 5pm on Friday January 24. Anyone interested in standing for one of the two positions is urged to contact Laura Welsh at welshl2@cf.ac.uk or visit her office on the third floor.

Nomination forms are available from Rona Griffiths on the third floor of the Union.

The Elections will take place on Wednesday 12 and Thursday 13 February.

The election is open to all students so anyone with a NUS Card will be able to vote in either the Union, Departments or Halls of Residence.

Old-style Union voting

Labour split over fees Universities’ funding crisis and he is backed by Tony Blair.

However, on Friday several DETAILS OF the proposed new arrangements for newspapers reported that the student financial support Chancellor, Gordon Brown, were leaked to the media had “blocked” the new plans at last week, provoking furious a stormy Cabinet meeting.

Brown is throught to be arguments between adamant that Universites ministers.

The plans were leaked from should accept more workingthe Department for Education class students, and that new on Thursday, and will involve funding arrangements should students paying up to three not put off poorer families.

John Prescott, the chair of times as much as they do now the meeting, was unable to - but only after they graduate.

Education Secretary Charles reconcile the two ministers and Clarke has long been pushing one insider admitted, “There for higher fees to solve the was no consensus.”

However, Clarke is still determined to publish his “We are still review this week - which will hearing mixed be difficult if agreement is not found with Brown. messages from the Under Clarke’s new proposals the upfront fees of government.” £1,100 a year would be NUS PRESIDENT abolished, but universities will MANDY TELFORD be able to charge higher

Rhiannon Davies reports

amounts - some as high as £3,000 a year - to be paid out of earnings later in life.

There is also speculation that some Universities will charge different amounts to others - which critics claim will lead to elitism.

The return of maintenance grants is also expected - but only for the very poorest students, a smaller number than the current third who do not have to pay fees.

Under proposed “golden handcuff” deals, graduates who work in public sector jobs such as teaching or the NHS would see their debts paid off.

Beyond these details, the leaked proposals are sketchy.

It is not clear how deferred payments would solve the funding crisis, as it will take at least three years for the money to come through.

The National Union of Students (NUS) accused the

government of sending students mixed messages about fees.

Reacting to rumours of the plans last week, the NUS claimed that the Government was “giving with one hand and taking with the other.”

The outlines of a graduate contributions scheme, like those already in place in Scotland and Australia, are already established and education officials have predicted that the debate over the details will continue into the spring.

The influential Fabian review, published by a thinkthank affiliated to the Labour Party, suggested that students should be offered a range of options for paying.

This would give students the choice to defer all payments until graduation or make payments during their course.

Mandy Telford, president of

the NUS, welcomed the notion of reintroducing maintenance grants, but warned that increasing debts would offset this.

She said, “We are still hearing mixed messages from ministers.”

She added, “Allowing universities to set different fee levels will just heighten the elitist nature of some of our institutions.

“Rich students will be able to pick and chose their course and institution, while poorer students will be forced to find something that fits in their price range.”

Tom Wilson, head of teaching union NATFHE’s universities department, said the proposal to charge lower fees to the poorest students was a “gimic”.

He described the graduate tax as the “least worst” form of making students pay.

gair rhydd Phone Poll 07791 165837 What do you think of the government’s new student finance ideas?

(See article above)

A western lowland gorilla: a suspect, perhaps?

Cardiff University team solves gorilla murder mystery

Should students contribute more to their education?

Or is it another assault on the principle of equal access for all?

certainly challenged us!”

The team’s findings have already been crucial in understanding more about the biology, lifestyle and group dynamics of gorillas.

“The Darwin Initiative has been very interesting and rewarding for us.

“It has helped us give something back to these developing countries, whose biodiversity is much more important than ours.”

But did they find the killer?

Prof Bruford was almost certain.

“We’re pretty sure we have, but the difficulty is that the gorilla we think did it has also since died.

“Madame Bovary is alright though- she’s already found another male!”

If you think Charles Clarke’s ideas are fair, text ‘YES’

Mark Cobley reports A TEAM from Cardiff University has been hard at work in the African jungle, trying to find a most unusual killer.

The victim, found with deep puncture wounds, was a western lowland gorilla called Porthos, and the prime suspect was last seen in the arms of his favourite female, Madame Bovary.

Scientific detectives from the University have teamed up with Hollywood film director Peter Elliott (famous for his work on Gorillas in the Mist and Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan) to study the gorillas, who have rarely been looked at in the wild.

They are much more

aggressive than the more familiar Mountain gorillas, making them harder to study.

The team’s work featured in a BBC Radio 4 documentary over the holidays.

Gorillas in Gabon was the second in the two-part “Gene Team” series; the first saw the team jet off to Peru to study the llama-like Alpacas.

Biodiversity Professor Mike Bruford, the head of the research team, said: “We have been using the science of genetics to help develop a management strategy for the gorillas.

“That means that we are studying how genetically distinct they are, to see which groups need conservation.

“It’s like ethnic typing in humans, only harder because

we have to rely on shed samples like hair or faeces.”

Professor Bruford’s team, which includes PostDoctorate researcher Nicky Anthony, PhD student Kathryn Jeffery and even some undergraduates, visited several nature reserves in Gabon, a French-speaking West African country.

The work forms part of the Darwin Initiative, which lends British scientific expertise to helping thirdworld countries conserve their precious wildlife.

“We also did a lecture course in Gabon’s only science university,” Prof Bruford added.

“That was interesting, since Gabon is a francophone country - lecturing in French

If you think it’s still not good enough, text ‘NO’

07791 165837 RESULTS NEXT ISSUE!

News

Page 4

January 20 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

CRIME FILE

Cardiff Uni’s Doctor of the Rings studies Tolkien’s Welsh source Dimitra has found that the author’s Elvish language of A CARDIFF postgraduate ‘Sindarin’ is closely linked to doing research into The Welsh, while many of the Lord Of The Rings for a characters in his books are PhD is discovering more reminiscent of characters from and more Welsh influences medieval Welsh myths and folklore. in the trilogy.

“Tolkien studied Welsh at Dimitra Fimi, 24, is writing her doctoral thesis on the university and read a lot of connections between J.R.R. Old Welsh literature,” she Tolkien’s literature and his explained.

“He especially knew a lot knowledge of the languages and myths of Northern about the Mabinogion - a series of medieval Welsh Europe.

Although she is only in the romances. The Elf Princess first term of her course, Arwen is very similar to Dimitra says she has been Olwen from those tales, and many of the place names in finding new links every day.

She said, “This is really the books are very Welshexciting. It’s an area that has sounding.”

The student has also never been studied before.

“It’s only in the first stages, uncovered links to languages myths throughout but I’m finding out some and Northern Europe. really interesting things.”

“Sindarin is very similar to Tolkien has recently enjoyed huge popularity after Welsh and that is a more the recent cinematic widely-used Elvish language, adaptations of his books. The but the Elvish ‘Quenya’ latest film Two Towers topped language used for rituals in box-office ratings all around the books was based on Finnish. ‘Rohirrim’ also came the world. from Old English,” she said.

Dimitra first became “It’s an area that interested in the ancient languages and mythologies has never been behind Tolkien’s work while studying as an undergraduate studied before.” in Athens.

“I already knew a lot about DIMITRA FIMI, PHD STUDENT Greek myths and legends.

Dominic O’Neill reports

ASSAULTS AT UNIVERSITY ANOTHER ATTACK on a student took place earlier in the month on Cathay’s Terrace: only a few metres away from the university.

Police say a group of 15 and 16 year olds were responsible for the assault.

Witnesses of the incident have been asked to come forward as soon as possible to help police with their enquiries Students have also been advised to be cautious at all times and to carry one of the attack alarms available from the students’ union shop.

Police urged students to avoid walking hope late at night.

The attack follows the series of other more serious assaults on students reported elsewhere in this issue.

WORLD TENSION ANYONE experiencing abuse or other trouble as a result of recent problems in the Middle East and other areas have been urged to speak to Cardiff University’s Community Liaison officer PC Bob Keohane .

The officer advised students: “Remember, the police are here to help everyone.

“No one should suffer in silence.”

SAFE AS HOUSES CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S Community Liaison Officer PC Bob Keohane has congratulated students on their efforts to counter burglary over Christmas.

Only three houses were burgled while students were away on the Chritmas recess usually the most popular time of the year for burglaries on houses in the student village.

Before Christmas, police advised students not to leave valuable items in empty rooms and to make sure that they left their properties as safe as possible.

The time of year often provides ample opportunity for burglars as student halls and houses are left empty for the three week break.

If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444.

PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/content/police.

Lord of the Rings: myths and legends with a Welsh twist Then I started to find out about Northern European myths and legends – in Germanic, Scandinavian and Celtic languages,” she said.

“When I first read Tolkien’s books I immediately began to recognise where some of his inspiration had come from.”

Professor John Hines of Cardiff University’s School of History and Archaeology

thinks Dimitra has chosen a relevant subject.

“With the recent success of the various films this is proving very timely,” he said.

“Tolkien was clearly very enthusiastic about the languages and folklore of Northern Europe – not only in Welsh, but also in Old English and Old Norse.”

J.R.R. Tolkien himself

commented that part of the attraction of Lord Of The Rings is the ‘glimpses’ of history in the stories.

He said, “It is like the experience of viewing far off an unvisited island, or seeing the towers of a distant city gleaning in a sunlit mist.

“To go there is to destroy the magic, unless new attractive vistas are revealed.”

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at gair rhydd the places and people making the ...World Roundup... headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World

HARRY POTTER STRIKES BACK UK: The latest adventure in the phenomenonly popular witchcraft & wizardry series is set for a June 21 release date this year.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix will be released on a Saturday, so that the millions of school-age fans will not have to play truant to get their hands on a copy.

The fifth volume may tax the reading powers of young

fans, however - it will be 255,000 words long, a third longer than the last book.

The book’s publishers promise exciting new revelations, with released extracts offering a tantalising glimpse: “Dumbledore surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses. ‘It is time’, he said, ‘for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything.’”

Fans will have to wait until June to find out just what JK Rowling has in store for her famous creation.

Mr Hain’s agent, Howard Davies, is trying to find ways and means to get the shop closed down.

He said, “The street has been upgraded recently and this thing only degrades it.

“This sort of thing is not needed here.

“People want this shop closed down.”

But the shop’s owner, who will be selling cannabis seeds and a range of pipes, says he is bringing good business to a formerly derelict building.

“We won’t serve anyone under the age of 14,” he said.

EROTIC NEIGHBOUR NEEDLES MINISTER

The adorable Potter munchkin

NEATH: New shop Little Amsterdam has received a hostile reception from its neighbour: Welsh Secretary Peter Hain.

Specialising in adult erotica and cannabis paraphernalia, Piet Manca’s store has opened next to the Neath MP’s Constituency office.

Mad hatter MP : risks of pot

PUSS IN BYTES CAMBRIDGE: An internet site featuring live images of a cat recovering from a road accident has become one of the most popular of the year.

More than 4.5 million people have logged on to check Frank the Cat’s progress making it one of Yahoo’s sites of the year.

It was set up by David Donnan, 33, from Cambridge, who was mystified by the site’s runaway success.

He said: “It’s just one of those things that has blown up out of all proportion.”

Kersauson claims his boat was attacked by a seven or eight metre-long squid off the Portuguese island of Madeira.

“I saw a tentacle from my porthole,” de Kersauson said.

“It was thicker than my leg and pulling the boat hard.”

However, the squid relinquished its grip when the skipper stopped the boat.

“We didn’t have anything to scare off this beast, so I don’t know what we would have done if it hadn’t,” de Kersauson said.

“We weren’t going to attack it with our penknives.”

GIANT SQUID ATTACKS FRENCH THE HIGH SEAS: French sailors in a round-the-world race claim to have been attacked by a Giant Squid.

The massive molluscs were long thought to be the stuff of legend, but scientists now agree that they exist despite never having seen one alive.

Yachtsman Olivier de Squid: mean fecker

Editorial & Opinion

January 20 2003

Page 5

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

Why Bush is going to war gair rhydd EDITORIAL

B

ack to work, back to university, back to the norm. How very boring.

After the break it has been particularly hard to get back into the swing of things here at the gair rhydd office. I hope you are managing a little better than me, having struggled through what has seemed like the longest two weeks ever. Bring on the light days of spring, and, more desperately, the weekend.

Unfortunately some of you will have returned from the holidays, only to hear the terrible news that features on the front page of this issue.

Recent attacks on students within the surrounding area, are gravely worrying for everyone.

How many of us walk alone around Cardiff, day and night, and think very little of it? And why shouldn’t we be able to? It is frustrating to think that fear and the threat of such incidents can dictate our actions. And yet it is naive, and seemingly now even more dangerous, to think that we can ignore these obviously very real dangers.

Maybe there is something about Cardiff that makes people a little bit complacent about safety and therefore less wary? Although it is a capital city it is, after all, small and compact. And with such a high student population maybe there is a hope that this community will somehow protect us. To a degree it may well do. But let’s hope that with the publicity surrounding these cases and one attacker charged, we may all become a little more vigilant and, those committing the offenses, a little too scared about being caught to try anything in the first place.

With all this nastiness, the Global Football Challenge that takes up the other half of the front page offers a cheery note. It is a quite remarkable feat they are attempting, a great idea, and a very worthy cause to support too, so everyone’s a winner. There is contact details for the organisers included for anyone who wants to get involved, and with such an opportunity, there is bound to be loads of applicants. Once again, there is another example to positively combat the student=apathetic stereotype.

Talking of participation, there are lots of ways to get involved with gair rhydd, and very soon we shall be looking for people to take over as section editors, and hold general office positions. If this sounds good, then come up to the office and see the relevant editor, attend the GRiP meetings at 4.30 on Wednesday in the Council Room on the 4th floor (just down from our abode) or the news,sport and features meetings at 1.15 on Mondays and let us know about you.

Mark Cobley writes

W

AR IN Iraq seems to be increasingly inevitable, but what looks to have been lacking so far is a satisfactory explanation of why it is about to happen.

Obviously we all know what pro-war and anti-war figures say. The pro-war politicians tell us Saddam Hussein is a dangerous threat to our security, and that he has links to al-Qaeda and international terrorism. The anti-war protestors tell us the war is all about oil.

The trouble is, neither of these explanations make much sense.

America and Britain funded and armed this dangerous dictator all through the 1980s, when he was fighting fundamentalist Islam in Iran.

Now, according to George Bush, Saddam is allied with fundamentalist Islam.

In fact, Iraq is one of the few Muslim countries with a secular state. The links between Iraq and al-Qaeda appear to exist only in Mr. Bush’s head.

Iraq may have weapons of mass destruction and it may have defied UN resolutions, but then so has Israel - one of Bush’s staunchest allies - as well as other countries such as Syria, Libya and North Korea.

Yet Bush and Blair have singled out Iraq.

Of course, to the leftwingers this proves it’s really about oil. But this doesn’t seem to add up either.

In Bush’s sights: The middle-eastern nation of Iraq Oil companies have drastically slashed imports from Iraq. In 2002 the USA imported the vast majority of its oil from Canada, Saudi Arabia and Venezuela, and it has considerable domestic supplies too. Iraq now supplies only slightly more oil to the USA than the UK does.

In short, the US does not need Iraqi oil.

So why are Bush and Blair intent on bombing Iraq?

The answer is tied up in the way that the Republican Party of President Bush views the post-Cold War world and the US’s role in it.

America might not need Middle East or Iraqi oil, but industrialised nations throughout Europe and East Asia depend heavily on it. So if America didn’t patrol the Gulf then these countries would have to - and would have to develop powerful

new armies to do it.

Europe and Japan could then grow into military superpowers who could challenge US world dominance. Believe it or not, that idea fills American rightwingers with horror.

This may sound like the rantings of the craziest antiAmerican conspiracy theorists, but the amazing truth is that it comes from the US Pentagon itself – the centre of American defence command.

The strategy was set out in ‘Defence Planning Guidance for 1994-1999’, a highly classified document leaked to the New York Times in 1992.

The document argued that America’s goal should be to assert total dominance over virtually all of Eurasia. It called for US military intervention to become a “constant fixture” of world politics and for the USA to “retain the responsibility for

addressing selectively those wrongs which threaten not only our interests, but those of our allies and friends.”

The purpose of this, according to the report, is to “deter potential competitors from aspiring to a larger regional or global role” and to “discourage them from challenging our leadership.”

Just read that again for a second. America, our greatest friend and ally, is terrified that one day we might be able to stand up to it.

That Pentagon report may have been written in 1992 but its imperial dreams are beginning to look a lot like current US Foreign Policy.

No surprise there - its authors, Paul Wolfowitz and I. Lewis Libby, are now senior defence advisors to President Bush. Dick Cheney, the Pentagon boss who authorised it, is now Vice-President.

When a journalist on the New Yorker asked a senior Republican what ideas were guiding Bush’s foreign policy, he was handed – yes – a copy of that same 1992 report.

Professor G. John Ikenberry of Georgetown University, a US foreign policy expert, has concluded: “A new grand strategy is taking shape in Washington. America is to be less bound by its partners and to global rules and institutions... the US will use its unrivalled military power to manage the new global order.”

In this light, it is easy to see why the US pulled out of the ballistic missile nonproliferation treaty. It is possible to explain why the US refuses to approve the creation of an International Criminal Court to prosecute war crimes, and why it ignores international PoW conventions in its treatment of al-Qaeda prisoners.

It is also fairly easy to understand why Bush wants to go to war in Iraq.

Of course, Saddam Hussein is an abominable dictator and his removal would be a great step forward for peace and for the oppressed Iraqi people.

However, I am concerned that this war is simply part of a much larger strategy devised by the ex-Pentagon clique now running the USA. Its vision is to create a world where the US can act precisely how it likes, free of all constraints such as the UN and international treaties, and where all other countries are rendered permanently dependent on American help.

It hardly seems like exaggeration to describe these ambitions as modern-day imperialism.

The end for the humble banana?

LaDonna Hall writes

T

he very core of my food-loving being was struck with fear at a recent scientific discovery.

One of the fruits we take most for granted (shame on us) faces extinction within the next ten years.

It seems the banana could be on the way out. While this revelation could never be said to rival more pressing issues such as world domination by a congenital loon or the harsh lighting in the ‘new-look’ Taf, I would nevertheless marvel at anyone’s capacity to cock their head to one side, sneer derisively, and mutter “Who gives a ****?“ Bananas are fantastic in every way; their comedy value alone elevates them to near

divine status.

A recent television advert gives further proof of their versatility, depicting such defining banana moments as a banana related coup in South America, and the clever use of a banana as a bank-robbing aid. Impressive stuff indeed.

And yet, if scientists do not come up with a solution soon, the dreaded Sigatoka disease could continue to wipe out vast banana plantations across the world. Things are at crisis point.

Banana farmers are scratching their heads, wondering what on earth to do, perhaps contemplating a life without their shiny, yellow-skinned friends.

It seems that bananas do not have the ability to reproduce in a diseaseresistant manner, leaving them extremely vulnerable to virulent strains of viruses.

How could such an intelligent looking fruit be so stupid? Their predicament has

been likened to the potato blight that hit Ireland many years ago.

Considering the huge amount of people who rely on bananas as part of their staple diet, the demise of this fruit will spell certain disaster.

Harsh news indeed for future generations, who may never experience the sheer joy of eating one of nature's most aesthetically pleasing, tastebud soothing gifts to mankind.

Will our grandchildren study science books charting the rise and fall of the banana, while we sit shaking our heads, reminiscing that "Those were the days..."?

I think not. Instead, I have a sneaking suspicion that an industrious team of fruit boffins will provide us with a suitably similar genetically engineered replacement.

It may not be exactly the same as 'the real thing', but it will just have to do. The alternative is just too terrible Bananas: under threat from a new disease? to contemplate.

CYFLWYNA PRESENTS

NOS LUN, IONAWR Y 27ain 2003 MONDAY 27th JANUARY 2003 Am ddim cyn 11pm (NUS), £1 ar ôl 11pm Free admission before 11pm (NUS), £1 after 11pm

Comment ● 07

January 20 2003

passing

COMMENT

TOTALLY ADDICTED TO MACE/SAFE AS FUCK, INNIT/HORSE PORN/HMM/EVER GET THE FEELING YOU’VE BEEN CHEATED?/CHOIR NEWS/PLURALITY IS NOT A VIRTUE By the Rt Hon. D C Gates

B

Y NOW, I suppose, you will have been wished a Happy New Year by the various writers of this paper, so I will refrain from making any such greeting. After all, what we have already seen of 2003 does not bode well for the rest of the year. As the Bard said, why verily, my masters, we are in the shit.

So what’s it going to be then, eh? Same old hopeless charade of resolutions? You bet yo’ ass, suckerz. My own resolutions, just in case you were wondering (and you probably weren’t), have remained exactly the same for the last few years. They are, in non-specific order: 1) win International Darts Championship, 2) make more use of the word ‘bonkers’, 3) have own big band, 4) put the lime in the coconut, and drink them up together, and 5) fight Geoff Capes and Bill Oddie together. Suffice to say, none of these overly ambitious resolutions has ever come to fruition, especially the disastrous world tour undertaken by the DC Gates Orchestra last year. Thus, these promises to myself remain shiny and new by the very fact that I don’t really attempt to give them anything other than a purely conceptual existence. This tactic also precludes the necessity of making up new resolutions, and thus provides space in my diary for other activities, such as sneering, boozing and madrigals.

I should hope that many of you have been disappointed in the overall lack of political commentary in these articles of mine, and I thought it only fair to offer an explanation. As gair rhydd is published fortnightly, and I usually write this column in the first week of preparation, I cannot be as topical as I would wish, especially as Our Great Leader wishes us to have finished by the beginning of the

second week. I would also like to think that anyone reading these pieces could easily draw a conclusion about my political beliefs (Marxist) and thus imagine my take on various social and political events. Furthermore, the analysis page at the end of News, and the articles written for Features should provide you with some kind of more legitimate commentary; ie, stuff that isn’t dashed off by someone who has to go to lectures/work nursing a raging hangover.

There you go - problem solved, bada boom, bada bing. You knows it...

Rather sadly, the mass media has made itself no resolutions for this year, and still seems in thrall to the vacuous and parasitic cult of the Personality. Yes, yes, I know that concentration on famous and notable people has been the crux of descriptive media since the dawn of time (oral traditions, the Bible, the general use of specific central characters in a story, etc.), and any news story must obviously involve actual people as its central axis.

This I accept. No, what really gets me is the needless focussing of attention on those people who have done nothing at all to deserve their status in the public eye. Even with the prospect of an immoral and costly war looming nearer and nearer every day, leader articles and cover photography continue to trumpet the praise/shame of the same banal or asinine faces. All of this is just an avoidance of the facts at hand, a retreat from actually having to care about the grim reality of our own existence, pitiful excuses for our neglect to take matters into our own hands. All of these mainstream newspapers (and this includes the one you’re now holding and this very column) are pandering to an

obsession with leisure and recreation that has elevated these things to ends in themselves - this is what you must do with any time not engaged in working, you sorry plebian wage jockeys. What is just as patronising is the general proposal/assumption that the nebulous charms of Pop Idol or I Love 1989 will be sufficient means of escape or pleasure, over and above such traditional practices as nine pints of beer, exercise, sex (with oneself or another), drugs, friendship, and so on. The glut of media interest in these non-events merely reflects the fact that they bear a very small impact on the lives of most people. The time is long overdue for both television producers and the press to own up and admit the failure of their not-so-beautiful mistakes.

I have now reached that all-toofamiliar phase of the column where I realise that I have nothing to write about.

If you would like a mental picture of me at this point, imagine a stocky youngster at a computer keyboard, whose head has just been replaced with that of a donkey.

(You might also wish to imagine some cartoon-style ‘donkey’ music to complete the image.) It seems that nothing will sway from my life-long habit of dawdling. No, really - I can waste time for Wales, Europe, the world, indeed the whole Solar System. I often rise at nine, with a whole day ahead of me, and still fail to achieve a single one of the less than challenging tasks set for the day.

This is usually to do with my chronic nerves and my general pessimism, although this explanation has more than a hint of an excuse about it. Conversely, when at work I seem to be quite conscientious, regardless of how trivial the activity may be. Those readers that

Dustbin of History Ulrich von Rheingeld (c.1513-1562)

rye in Saxony - he became a professor at the university in 1538. So far his life had been fairly unremarkable by the THE LIFE and career of Ulrich von Rheingeld have standards of sixteenth-century academia, but by 1547 he was mostly passed unnoticed into the silence of history and, rumoured to be using the fruits of his research to evil indeed, what records survive of this extraordinary figure purposes. Of course, no evidence is known of this are shrouded in obfuscation and mystery. No definite accusation, as full reports were only to surface after his death. baptismal documents have been unearthed, and amongst The story now turns to von Rheingeld’s trial for the few scholars concerned with him it is generally witchcraft, which was held in believed that he may have front of a Church court. Here, it assumed the name von was revealed that Ulrich had Rheingeld at a later date. attempted to sell his soul to the Certainly, a register shows that Devil, only to be rejected by the an Ulrich Schmidt was born to Prince of Lies, who instead a family of weavers in the settled for the sorcerer’s dog and village of Münchnein, situated his best coat. Thus, instead of on the outskirts of Rheingeld four and twenty years of bliss, itself. This would agree with the von Rheingeld received the date of birth given in attentions of Sardonicus, a minor Schrechliches Kulten (1634), demon who only followed his which remains our main source master’s orders if he could be of information concerning von bothered. Likewise, Ulrich’s Rheingeld.

VON RHEINGELD: remonstrates with a attempts at necromancy resulted Amidst the stories of Doctor crapulent Sardonicus (allegedly) only in an inexplicable case of Faust and Simon Magus, von dysentery. None of this was Rheingeld is glossed over by most chronicles of particularly remarkable, and the authorities only took demonology and black magic. In all fairness, this is due notice after an unfortunate incident concerning the to his staggering incompetence. (For most of this article Elector of Munich, some ears of corn and a local bishop.

I am indebted to Johnathan Parker’s Magic in LateVon Rheingeld’s attempts to escape with the aid of his Renaissance Europe (Polity, 1974), which includes a demonic servant were thwarted when Sardonicus chapter on von Rheingeld.) In his early years Ulrich admitted that he’d been out on the ale the previous night, studied theology at Wittenburg University, where he and wasn’t feeling up to it (I am paraphrasing the reportedly fraternised with various alchemists and original sources, by the way). Thus von Rheingeld stood astrologers, and from thence became familiar with the trial and was sentenced to burn at the stake. Reportedly, common practices of white and black magic (frequently the errant demon arrived to save his master just after the cited in scientific texts of the period). Somehow, despite flames had been put out. The Vatican owns one of only his reputation of bungling and inaccuracy - he predicted seven copies of his writings, which are rumoured to be the end of the world for three consecutive years, either too heinous or too dull to ever be published. attributing the non-events to excessive consumption of

Haiku Corner

know me may like to snort in disbelief and imagine me set about by a gang of brutes, some of them armed with cudgels.

(To complete the picture, also imagine some brutish yells and some pathetic whimpering.)

Ooh, look! Some interesting events in arts, media and literature coming your way!

Extreme Jewellery (Fridays, Five, 7:00) That’s right: extreme jewellery. Jewellery that, in a normal context, would be considered extreme. Presented by Mr T and Grace Jones, this programme features those crazy people who wear broaches, necklaces and rings in unusual and dangerous locations...and wear them TO THE MAX! The regular ‘Cock-Ring Challenge’ is a sight to behold.

The Oxford Companion to Sausages (ed. William Rendall, Oxford, £12.99, out now) This would make a smashing present to the person in your life who is overly interested in meat products, or just someone who likes sausages. Rendall’s enthusiasm for his subject and his skilful editing make this a joy to read, with anecdotes and material from Roman times to the present day (with some even considering the future of this most excellent foodstuff). A real eye-opener, and a work that will doubtless one day be treasured alongside The Anatomy of Melancholy and Confessions of a LongDistance Lorry Driver.

My Animals and Other Families (Chapter Arts Centre, Canton, 28th January to 2nd April, free) A new and challenging exhibition by local artist Bram Kaddis. In this series of photographs, videos and sound collages, Kaddis explores our attitudes to nature and the sense of our own property, with

scant regard to the mores of society. Here he documents his experiments, where he released both wild and tame animals, some purchased and some stolen, into the houses and gardens of unsuspecting families. Not for the faint-hearted Middle Englanders need not attend!

Bat Fastard/Meat/Dismal Sport (mystery location - to be announced on Feb 1st ) A storming bill of avant-rock, in a mystery secret gig-type stylee. Watch Meat frontman Dagda Sevit lecture on pint-pulling technique between bouts of furious death metal, before Bat Fastard tear the roof off the sucker with a threeguitar assault. You heard it here first, folks!

The D’Oyly Carte present Harold Pinter (Sherman Theatre, runs until 15th March, details by telephone or in person) Tired of the endless stream of Gilbert and Sullivan productions, the men and women of the D’Oyly Carte Theatre Company bring their tour circle of Pinter plays to the Sherman. These promise to be some very interesting versions of old favourites, including The Dumb Waiter and The Birthday Party. Several actors are reported to have suffered stressrelated heart problems due to the restrained performances.

Sport (all over the place, all the time) I’ve heard there’s a lot of it about, although I haven’t seen anything of it.

Wow, these last two weeks have just flown by...I feel quite giddy. So what might the next fun-filled, fact-packed issue of gair rhydd hold for the discerning reader? Well, without wishing to reveal too much, just imagine, my friends, if cats and dogs were not in fact mortal enemies...the awesome powers that would be unleashed. Think on...

ADVERTISMENT FEATURE

Here’s where we let YOU, the reader, put something back into gair rhydd. How? Haiku!

No entries as yet, so here’s a selection from local bard Bunty O’Neill:

Do you like beans?

Motherfucking fool/Utterly ruined my dress/Tinydicked wanker.

- Cum Stains I really like gin/Geneva’s sacred perfume/Gets me off my tits.

- Gin What remains for us?/Fleshy spectres lost in thought/Stuck in waking sleep.

- 10:45 am

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Classifieds & crossword

January 20 2003

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

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20 pence per CAPITALISED word

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25 pence per bold word

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30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE

Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

Across: 7 8 9 10 11 12 14 17 19 20 23 26 28 29 30 31 32

Conditional release from prison (6) List of misprints, etc. (6) Chafe (3) Publicly and without concealment (6) In point of fact (6) Large quantity (3) Go to court, again (5) District of London (5) ___ Murphy, US film actor and comedian (5) Unfair player (5) Lawful (5) Free passage through a contest (3) Turn one’s back on (6) Sitting-room (6) Latin word meaning “by way of” (3) Dive (6) Giggle (6)

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on ssufc1@cardiff.ac.uk Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk Look out for a new mature students and LGB officer after the forthcoming election.

ACCOMMODATION ROOM IN CATHAYS HOUSE AVAILABLE, TO SHARE WITH THREE GUYS. MUNDY PLACE (OPPOSITE MACKINTOSH PUB), RIGHT IN THE CENTRE OF CATHAYS. VERY LARGE ROOM WITH DESK/SOFA/WARDROBE ETC. AND BROADBAND INTERNET CONNECTION. ALL MOD CONS, NTL TV ETC. £200 A MONTH PHONE/TEXT 0777 3857971

EMPLOYMENT Christmas is dead. The corporate fest will surely have sucked you dry, there aren’t any employment prospects here as yet, but watch this space...

MISCELLANEOUS Miscellaneous is the place for all your unclassifiable messages, that would be shout-outs, birthdays, well, just about anything really. Be heard!

Found: one soul. Answers to the name of Binky. Likes eggs. Contact 02920 781434.

New Fanzine! All the goss on yr favourite local celebs, reviews, news and ace competitions. WIN some toffees pinched from Huw Stephens’ pocket! All this and MORE in brand-new Bra-Busters

International!

Feeling weak? Do people no longer run from you in fear? I will awaken your inner brute! I will fight anyone for £10, with a 70% odds that you will win. Feel like a real man (or woman - I’m not sexist) once more! Half your money back if I win.

As you may have gathered, the above three advertisements are not strictly legitimate.

That’s because you, the readership, have neglected to send in the sort of meaningless trash and silly photographs that used to grace this section. Why? What a waste of potential. That’s why I’m having to fill this yawning gap of a column.

So who exactly are those two guys in the corner of the letters page? If you squint they look a little like Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmunson in Bottom. No, they don’t at all do they. That observation was entirely based on the fact that one of them has glasses, is wearing a flat cap and is holding a pint, like Richie is known to do.

To say that the other chap looks remotely like Rik Mayall would be foolish. I apologise. He looks more like a Portugese car salesman, but they don’t tend to feature too prominently in British sitcoms these days.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

CROSSWORD

Just before you plunge headfirst into another semester of degree-related fun take a moment or seven to complete this crossword, fill out the form and pop it up to the gair rhydd office which you’ll find conveniently located on the fourth floor of the Union.

Last edition’s winner was Phil Walters. Pop up and collect your prize voucher. Nice one.

Last fortnight’s answers: Across: 3, Rod 7, Strobe 8, Editor 9, Enervate 10, Keep 11, Screed 12, Treaty 15, Enzyme 18, Repass 20, Atom 22, Reassure 23, Attaub 24, Inroad 25, Dee Down: 1, Ethnic 2, Sobriety 3, Regard 4, Detest 5, Wink 6, Covert 11, She 13, Exposure 14, Yes 16, Notate 17, Errand 18, Roadie 19, Serial 21, Moan

NAME:________________________ E-MAIL:_______________________ WHAT IS THE MEANING OF FIFE? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _____

Down: 1 2 3 5 6 13 15 16 17 18 21 22 24 25 26 27

Brd reputed to steal jewellry (6) Amen ___, 1960s group (6) ___ Streep, actress (5) One who buys and sells (6) Scattered (6) Peculiarly (5) One of five in a foot (3) Still (3) Measure of noise intensity (3) Potential chicken (3) Greatly (6) In the region of (6) Be commensurate (6) Fisherman (6) Surface slant (5) Please hugely (5)

WIN! From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

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January 20 2003

9 • Letters

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight’s star letter wins a traffic cone, a year’s supply of Pot Noodle and Gomez’s greatest hits.

Dear gair rhydd, I love being a student. I love being in an intellectually healthy environment in which my mind is tested and I mentally develop. But I hate being known as a ‘student’, it’s a stigma I do not want attached to me. Because I am a ‘student’ it is assumed that I adhere to certain student clichés. Some are harmless, I don’t really mind people thinking that I drink too much, eat Pot Noodle for lunch and listen to Gomez, but there are many student clichés I cannot stand.

1. Liberalism. If you are a student and not a liberal then other students assume that you are some kind of fascist bastard. If you say you vote Conservative you are verbally spat on.

2. Traffic cones. Possibly the most unforgivable of all student cliches.

They serve no purpose. They do not make good ornaments. You cannot hang things on them. They just get in the way.

3. Tuition fees. I am lucky enough to be in a financial situation in which I can afford to pay my tuition fees in their entirety. There is no reason why I should not do this, I would view it as a worthwhile investment. But still if you hold any view other than the opinion that no students should have to pay any tuition fees at all then you don’t represent students and you are again, a fascist bastard.

4. Expression. When one is a student it seems mandatory to concretely advertise every aspect of their personality, interests and background. Be it from joining societies to having a ridiculous nickname printed on the back of one’s polo shirt, it is unnecessary and promotes social categorising and discrimination.

What is so pathetic is that as soon as they graduate most students drop any radical perspectives they so rigorously clung to during their student years. Tell me: how many non-students do you see protesting against tuition fees?

Yours, Daniel C. 3rd Year Lettersdesk says: While indeed some student practices may not appeal to everybody, I do think that you’re underestimating the diversity of the student population. Those students that do not adhere to your defined clichés by their very nature will not have so much of a presence in their Union, but that does not mean that they do not exist.

Scouse Hunting Dear gair rhydd, Hi, my name is Amy and I’m a student from Liverpool University.

Last weekend I was out having a wicked time at Lashtastic with a few friends and met this great guy called Howall in his 2nd year of Computing.

But I didn’t get his number and have absolutely no way to contact him. Is there anyway you could get a message out in your paper?????

Amy Liverpool University Lettersdesk says: Hmmm, I didn’t know those Playstations had been there that long.

And did he get away with paying the entrance fee just once, when he began his 1st year of computing?

Bunch Of Arson Dear gair rhydd, Re. Rhys Ifans’ comments about burning summer houses (llosgi tai haf) in Wales.

As a Welshman I am worried about the amount of immigrants coming from across the border. Many of them buy houses which they only use during the summer. This destroys the village leaving places empty over the majority of the year. They have no care for the language and destroy communities.

The only course of action to be taken is to burn these summer houses.

Following Rhys Ifans’ words this action cannot start soon enough. “I’R GAD”.

Daiablo Jones

Pants-o Dear gair rhydd, Just a quick letter about the review of Act One's panto by Charlotte Spratt.

HANG ON A MO!! Wasn't she in the panto last year (in a fantastic role as Rudolph the Red Nosed and slightly stoned Reindeer...don't think I'm knocking that)??? Can't exactly be impartial then, can we? Must have a few friends moving in panto circles, if you get my meaning. Sorry to disagree with you, but this year’s panto was not quite up to the standard you made it out to be. Not by a long shot.

Certainly wasn't as good as last year's show, Robin Hood, which came as close as a panto can to pure genius.

On another note, I know the panto involves a shed-load of work in a short space of time and everything, but to the dancers... at least TRY to look like you're enjoying yourselves. I thought the dancers were supposed to look sexy and stylish. The dance moves looked tacked-on and matter-of-fact.

If you don't put your whole into something like that then you will only end up looking grumpy and unsexy.

Something to remember for next year, to whoever choreographed them. So to summarise, gair rhydd, try and get

someone with a little less of a biased view to write a review of the panto next time. The review might come closer to reality if you do that. Just a suggestion.

Act One Panto Connoisseur Lettersdesk says: I’m not quite sure about this. Obviously all our reviewers try to be impartial. I’m sure Chalotte’s review reflected her genuine enjoyment of the performance. It’s a panto for god sake, don’t worry about it!

Like It Or Leave Dear gair rhydd, In response to the bigots insulting Welsh institutions and the Welsh rugby game, I would like to make a few points. S4C is not a vehicle to promote Welsh people and their nationalistic pursuits. It is a channel which provides Welsh language broadcasting to the Welsh speaking people of Wales (granted, a minority to which I do not belong) for some of the time. This was an institution vehemently fought for to give these people some modern culture to have as their own. If you don't like the institutions of Wales then leave, and stop acting as a mouthpiece for people you do not represent. As a student you are supposed to tolerate other cultures, so accept the existence of S4C. And to the person claiming that professionalism has by-passed Wales and the English clubs are so much better: How do you account for Pontypridd defeating English clubs on a regular basis - last season Saracens and London Irish, this season, highflying Leeds Tykes. Professionalism may have been lacking amongst the old guard of WRU committee, but many of the clubs have adopted it successfully.

Steven Year 3 History

Some Furniture Writes Dear gair rhydd, In edition 732 of your paper, Geoff Mungham voiced his opposition to top-up fees and called for the Assembly to come out against top-up fees also. I would like to point out that the official Welsh Assembly Government (the Lib-Lab coalition) line is against top-up fees. The Welsh Liberal Democrats, as a party, are also against top-up fees. If it hadn't been for the Welsh Liberal Democrats demanding that grants be reintroduced as a condition of the coalition government a significant number of Welsh students would not be able to afford to be in university this year.

Labour did not push for the reintroduction of grants. Neither Labour nor the Welsh Liberal Democrats would have been able to have achieved this alone. Additionally, should Mr Mungham in good conscience be using his position as Director of the MA International Journalism Programme at Cardiff University as a platform from which to campaign as a Labour party

candidate? I believe not.

Yours,

Matthew Jones Chair, Liberal Democrats Youth and Students Wales

Badly Treated Boys (& Girls) Dear gair rhydd, I know this is a bit of a delayed reaction, but why did I have to pay a £2 booking fee on my Badly Drawn Boy tickets that I picked up from the box office? Was the booking fee for the whole two seconds the guy held the tickets for me while I searched for the two extra quid at the bottom of my bag? Was it the bloke behind the desk making a quick buck off unassuming students rushing home for Neighbours? I’m just mad I had to pay £2 more than was advertised to go see a chain-smoking child having a tantrum on stage because he couldn’t be bothered to do a soundcheck earlier that day. We all have bad days mate, but no need to take it out on the audience who payed £17 for the pleasure of witnessing a truly unprofessional performance. After a great year that had me cheering wildly at the amazing Green Day, Coldplay and David Gray concerts among others I was so disappointed by the prat in the hat who happens to write good songs.

I still like his hat though.

Badly Treated Girl Lettersdesk says: Maybe the extra £2 was to subsidise the bearded one’s condom budget, which we assume is quite high considering that a couple of hours after he was pasting pictures of his wife and kids on the screen behind the stage, he was inviting young students to his hotel room for an orgy.

Apparently.

Dear gair rhydd, I had heard that Badly Drawn Boy gigs were hit-and-miss affairs, that he’s known for over-running his set time, talking for ages, stopping songs etc. etc., but nothing prepared me for the inexplicable shambles that was his recent concert in the Great Hall. So apparently his monitors weren’t working. OK, a technical hitch, what’s the best way of dealing with it?

Throwing a wobbly and complaining between every song? Or playing to the best of your ability and attempting to give the crowd a good show? I’d say the latter which is what the backing band did, but not Mr. Gough who acted like his mum had snapped his favourite rattle in two. Pathetic. I have friends in bands who struggle to afford transportation to and from gigs, I know if they had the set up BDB has then they certainly wouldn’t throw a temper tantrum. All it takes is a little professionalism, something which you Mr. Gough clearly lack.

FlowerWielding Soldier Lettersdesk says: We recently received ten poems from a chap who describes himself as a ‘Cornish Sex God’. Due to no other reason other than lack of correspondence, here are some of his less offensive efforts.

Enjoy...

Dear gair rhydd, I was watering my rose garden and you walked by my place I almost ran up to you in a lustful, unsensitive haste I almost cried ‘cause I acted so insensitive But I wanted you to know about the feather-soft warmth I could give I respect your feelings I respect your gender I respect your existence I’ll always be tender ‘Cause I respect your feelings As a woman and a human I’ll be the pansy-growing gardener of our bouquet of love A flower-wielding soldier with the grace of a dove (Just read that line again to yourself - Lettersdesk) I’ll love you all, heart, mind and soul, I’d never think of anything cheap I’ll read you some of my poems before you go to sleep Lettersdesk says: It goes drastically downhill from here...

YOU P.C. FUCKING FAGGOT WHY DON’T YOU THROW IT AWAY I’LL NEVER RECYCLE THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY MY GARBAGE CAN IS FILLED WITH PLASTIC, CANS AND GLASS IF YOU TELL ME TO RECYCLE I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ARSE Lettersdesk says: Two sample lines from the remaining seven poems... ...You dared to ask me for a date alone I was shocked you didn’t want a chaperone... ...You never clean your house because you’re depressed And you’ve still got a goddamn hairy breast...

2nd Year Politics and Italian

HAVE TEXT WITH

gair rhydd

07791165837 Put your hand in your pocket and grab your device! Text us, we’ll print practically anything!

Yours sincerely, Badly Pissed-off Bloke

Dear gair rhydd, Badly Drawn Boy, what a fucking shambles. I love his records, but I have to say that that was the worst concert I have ever had the misfortune of attending. Can you print a picture of his head please so I can cut it out and throw darts at it? Cheers.

Guy He’s got beer, but I’m texting gair rhydd!

Please send your letters in to us at gair rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM. gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Cyflwyna/Presents I Think We’re Alone Now, with 80’s Legend

Nos Fercher 29 Ionawr 2003 - 9pm Wednesday 29 January 2003 - 9pm

£3.00

02

et T h e r e Cardiff’s listings in full

GRiP

Welcome back. Waves all around and perhaps the occasional hug too. So much to do, so many people to see, how will you find the time to attend the marvellous events listed below. The answer - you’ll just have to meet people there! Remember, your city - that is ‘your city’ for at least another 5 months - is bidding to be a cultural capital, it needs you!

Ready and Refreshed Back with a spring in our step 3. Voice of Opposition

Bright Sparks

Mark Thomas, Thursday 30th January, Sherman Theatre, 7.30pm The comics are everywhere at the moment. There’s Ed Byrne there, Dave Gorman here, even Jethro and Roy Chubby Brown, if you class that as comedy. An appearance from Mark Thomas though isn’t just about comedy and Mark promises to confront the escalating conflict between the US and Iraq on this, his latest tour.

It could all turn a bit polemical perhaps and he’ll be preaching the converted no doubt, but that’s no bad thing.

With another hug Stop the War march scheduled for London on

Electric Six + guests @ Barfly Sunday 2nd February

I

s it just a novelty or are they for real? Seized from obscurity following their appearance on the Soulwax Too Many DJs compilation last year, these Americans, in case you didn’t notice, have just gone Top 10 with their single Danger High Voltage. The people behind Barfly, being legends with unmatched talent for booking acts headed for the top, had, of course, already arranged this gig

before it all took off. The result? One of the first ‘hot ticket’ events of the year.

Thankfully it’s all going to happen twice but, nevertheless, that only means about 400 people will get to go. Who knows?

There may even be touts.

What else can you expect? Well, there’ll probably be some glitter, they’ll be a few Barfly Virgins who moan about not being able to see anything. That is, of course,

the 15th February, now is the time to fight against apathy.

Mark Thomas has been leading that fight for over a decade and continues to pull in the crowds.

Even my friends with their Chelsea Blue duvets and Iain Duncan Smith posters know who he is these days thanks to his work with Channel 4.

Another certain sell-out, head down to the Sherman and secure tickets for the first celebrity appearance of the year Tickets £12 Tel 02920 646900

4. Afrikka Bonanza

all part of the experience though. As is, the fact that all of their songs may sound exactly the same Now they’ve signed to XL though (home of the White Stripes and Badly Drawn Boy no less) you can expect to hear much from the Electric Six in 2003.

Once again remember that Barfly brought them to you first.

Alajotas Dance Company present Ilé @ Chapter Arts Centre, 27th-28th February Chapter have earned themselves a great reputation for staging ambitious dance in the Welsh capital. This month sees an appearance by the leading Nigerian dance company, Alajota.

This piece focuses on the history of their nation and blends the traditions of African dance with contemporary dance music to produce a captivating spectacle to entrance ears and

Tickets: £7 Info: www.barflyclub.com

eyes alike. Tonight is the UK premiere of their newest piece and so everyone going can consider themselves lucky enough to be present at something of a gala occasion.

With dozens of acclaimed performances behind them, Alajotas will not disappoint.

Tickets £6 (NUS) www.chapter.org

5. Power Cricket Returns

2. Drinking the bar dry?

Jesse Malin + Jeff Klein @ Barfly, Friday 24th January

Asia vs The Rest of the World @ Millennium Stadium, 25th - 26th January

Remember Robbie Williams’ flatmate? He was going to be a star, right? He could act, he could sing, he had it all? Well celebrity friendships clearly aren’t always a good thing. I can no longer remember the guy’s name and it doesn't look as though he’ll be threatening the Top 40. Jesse Malin, by contrast, is bound for big things.

Having abandoned his punk band, he’s donned an acoustic guitar and those heavy nights out drinking with Ryan Adams are all starting to make sense. Ryan produced his album too which is only adding to the buzz

The ‘future of cricket’ they told us? Extra trains were prepared, police were on standby to protect Nasser and the boys, but largely it passed by without incident. A few thousand bought tickets, a few thousand more sat in front of satellite television and watched in perplexed awe. Cricket now is in the headlines and, obviously, this means that the opportunity to attend an event like this in

surrounding his acoustic all singing/weeping/screaming routine. Thankfully he doesn’t just own Whiskeytown records and recent reports suggest he blends influences from Simon and Garfunkel to the heavier punk sounds that formed the backdrop of his former musical endeavours. Expect big things and big crowds and perhaps, for once, a respectful silence may descend upon the masses at Barfly.

Tickets £6 Info: www.barflyclub.com

Staff list

GRiP editors: Robin Jackson & Nick McDonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) Get there: Neil Krajewski (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) Arts: LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Blain & Phil Editor(grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth, Steve Hurst, John Widdop & Matt Harvey (gairrhyddtvdesk@hotmail.com) Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)

the middle of winter is going to leap to the top of everyone’s agenda.

Seriously though, it’s a good bit of fun, they’ll be appearances from some international celebrities and for once the Brits amongst us don’t need to suffer the humiliation of losing. Perfect.

Tickets £12-25 www.cardiff-stadium.co.uk

In this issue of GRiP...

05:Arts 08:Games/ Web

Look to the year ahead in the world of Arts, and pick your brain for ideas

06:Film Travis Bickle tells us in his own special way what to watch in 2003.

Discuss websites, charts and games.

10: Music

Get matey with Supergrass, and let the girls do battle.

12:Books

Go all sporty for a short while, and consider murder most foul.

13: TV Scrounge through the best and the worst on the box.

03

GRiP

Union

7.30pm, £4 Bored? Why not go?

Look out for more unusual goings on at union nights this term. Check Get There for dates of special events.

Gecko + Smokehand @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Both excellent local bands. A worthy start to the week. Support Smokehand and the excellent FF Vinyl.

Tuesday 28/01

Wednesday 29/01

Pinstrip Mafia @ Barfly 7.30pm Discovered by our very own Live Music Society I believe. Watch them fly

Mondays Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution.

Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend,’ it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, makes Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue.

Teen Spirit is the special offer at Fun Factory on 27th Jan. For all those too young to have seen Nirvana, or those who just missed the boat, this tribute band should help show you what you missed.

Adding salt to the wound as it were. Nice.

Tuesdays Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Fancy a night off from loud bands and clubs? Try out this weekly night of much hilarity and wine.

This fortnight featuring appearances from Hal Cruttenden & Darrel Martin on 28th Jan.

Monday 20/01 See you all the union then I guess! You’ll miss it when it’s gone!

Tuesday 21/01 Martin Grech + Mew @Barfly 7.30pm, £7 (adv) Last year - oh so long ago - I memorably suggested that Mew were linked to Elastica. They’re not, but, they did release a nice song about Christmas which gair rhydd liked a lot. Martin Grech is a young man who already has a lot to sing about. Like many young men, he likes Radiohead. He impressed last time out and is likely to again

Mark 2 + Comic Book Heroes + The Indy 500 @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Everyone has to start somewhere and you’ve all just had another installment of your loans. Have a heart, go along, and you never know; you may well be the first to see the next big thing. Or maybe not. But don’t shoot the messenger.

Comic Book Heroes is a good name for a band, whatever.

Fridays

Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00.

If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all the greatest hits from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle.

See the Rainbow Tour at Jive on 22nd Jan, and Tiffany (80s legend and I Think We’re Alone Now fame) on 29th Jan.

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00 Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night. And it isn’t being left out of the new night line-up. On the 24th Jan. enjoy the talents of two tributes,as crooner Tom Jones goes head to head with Robbie W.

Descent @ Seren Las 9pm, £3/4/5 For all who want that little something different. Kicking the term off Descent presents, Old Skool vs New Skool with The Ratpack, West One & Chico Fresco on 29th Jan. Always a good night out and definitely worth trying. Go on. Get there!

Thursday 23/01 Clipper +Then Came Bronson + 100,000 Body Bags@ Cardiff Barfly 7.30pm, £4 The Vanities + Lumiere + The Loves @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £3 The Vanities know that they won’t become megastars unless they practice. Admire their dedication.

Saturdays Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3 One of the UK’s top student night arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2.

Sunday Taf Quiz Usual format. Even the BBC’s autumn TV schedule doesn’t beat this! continues in the long line of hip-hop legends brought to Clwb!

Jesse James @ Newport TJs 7.30pm, £6 More ska. Why? Why? Why? Why? Fenton + Cranebuilders @ Barfly 7pm, £4 The Cranebuilders are really rather good in a John Peel C86 kind of way. Fenton play all of the time but perhaps that is no bad thing.

Sunday 26/01

Friday 24/01 Jesse Malin + Jeff Klein @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 See left.

Daniel O’Donnell @ Cardiff International Arena 8pm, £17-20 So, why so cheap? Daniel’s surely a superstar in the eyes of pensioners hoarding their savings under the bed. The perfect way to dispose of a CIA gift voucher if such a reprehensible artifact exists.

Saturday 25/01

Kool Keith@ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm , £8 Hey, this is quite exciting! Like ESG, Kool Keith is one of those cool people whom everyone likes to name-drop endlessly. Formerly part of the Ultramagnetic MCs, he

The Spitfires + Black Dove + Seers Mission + Cause for Concern @ Barfly 3pm, £4 2003 begins and the Barfly comes up trumps with another Sunday afternoon triumph. This week, its Canadian garage rock.

Adequate Seven + Cotton Weary + Action Everybody @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £4 They’re all getting in on the act it would seem as Clwb lets people between the ages of 14 and 18 in for one night only! Why not invite your younger sibling down for a night of ska-punk. After all, you’ve finished your exams, haven’t you.

Monday 27/01

Nerve 424 + Lark + Husk @ Barfly

Goldrush + The Keys + Headtest + Great Pilgrimage (DJs) @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £5 More than you deserve from a damp Thursday night. Goldrush are a bit like a mini-Flaming Lips with a bit of Elbow thrown in. They run the excellent Truck records too.

The Keys used to be involved with the fabulous Murry the Hump an Headtest are decent and affable individuals.

Friday 31/01 The Casanovas + Figure of 8 EMC @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 adv Friends of the Datsuns pop by for some frenetic rock’n’roll action. The Datsuns play here in a week’s time so perhaps you could meet them and blag tickets for that show.

Total Science +DJ Zinc@ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 Silent Running organise another splendid night of drum’n’bass at Ifor Bach. Get There!

Sophie Ellis Bextor + guests @ Cardiff International Arena 7pm, £19.50 Forget the So Solid Crew, why didn’t the Culture Minister aim her spear at Sophie for advocating murders on dance floors across the Uk. Funny how quickly people forget, isn’t it?

Saturday 01/02 Transposer + The Hope of the States + Wilmer@ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 I value Teletext more than anything i the world. How else would I get to see my team drift down the football league? How would I know what’s Number 1 if I miss the Top 40.?

Teletext say Hope of the States are going to be huge and I believe them. They dress up like soldiers and sound like Godspeed, enough for me!

Wendykurk + Nameless + Nuke @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £4 Petrified Records night. Sounds shiny an d metallic to these ears.

Sunday 02/02 Electric Six @ Barfly 3pm and 7pm Playing not just once, but twice in one day. See left.

Lots going on in the union in February so here’s the rundown Friday 7th February Idlewild @ Cardiff University, Great Hall, £13 Roddy brings his new line-up to the Welsh capital. Hopefully he won’t have a nasty cold this time Saturday 8th February NME Awards Tour featuring The Datsuns, The Polyphonic Spree, Interpol and The Thrills, @ Cardiff University, Great Hall £12.50 Splendid line-up as the NME tour returns to Cardiff Wednesday 12th February The Coral @ Cardiff University, Great Hall £9.50 Everyone’s new favourite Scousers come to Cardiff on a cash-grabbing student tour spectacular Wednesday 19th February Bowling for Soup @ Great Hall, £10 The Big Man is back with more space than his last outing at Barfly.

Saturday 22nd February Turin Brakes @ Cardiff University, Great Hall £13/50 Promoting their new album and almost certainly set to be fantastic.

Arts Tuesday 21/01 ‘Unzipped’, @Sherman, Venue 3 7.00pm, £1 A chance to see new play and film scripts performed in a suitably relaxed setting.

Monday 27/01 Open Mic event, sponsored by the Writer’s Union and Creative Writing School@ Toucan Club 8.00pm, Free.

Open to all.

Act 1 Presents Death of A Salesman@Sherman 7.30pm, £5-7 Running until 25th Jan.

Friday 27/01 Act 1 Presents Henry V@The Great Hall 7.00pm Another show from the society.

Running until 4th Feb. See Arts for preview of both Act 1 shows.

Films on release in Cardiff...

8 Mile Starring: Eminem

Lord Of The Rings Starring: Elijah Wood

The Good Girl Starring: Jennifer Aniston,

Eminem proves that anything Vanilla Ice can do, he can do better in 8 mile, by Curtis Hanson, the man responsible for classics such as LA Confidential and Mmmm Bop.

More fighting than 1,000 lions doing kung-fu. And the bit when Legolas slides down the stairs is good enough to reduce grown men to tears. What more do you want? Blood? You got it!

Fed up being stuck in a dead end town & leading a pointless existence Justine embarks on an affair with co-worker Holden.

WHAT? She’s not a good girl!

She’s bad, very bad.

Chicago Starring: Catherine Zeta Jones, Renee Zellweger Big Screen adaptation of the West End hit musical with Renee Zellweger and Richard Gere. Lots of legs for the boys and songs for the girls, it’s the perfect first date movie.

City Of God Starring: Alexandre Rodrigues

A genius mix of Scorsese, Peckinpah and Soderbergh, set in the mean streets of South America. Guns and drugs become a way of life for violent and disadvantaged children.

Get There

Wednesday 22/01

Wednesdays

Coming Up

Cardiff’s listings in full

Live Music

Thursday 30/01

Douglas + Lucky 13 + Stapleton @ Barfly 3pm, £4 Coming back to what they know indeed. After achieving fame across the provinces of Belgium and Luxembourg, Douglas have rushed back to see their friends and family and they’ve still managed to fit in a show at Barfly.

04

Get TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm.

Gay venue. Chart and Dance.

Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun.

All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money.

Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in!

Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm - 2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of Vodka Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thought it.

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm, I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm.

Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place though. It’s a shame that there’s no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace.

Check it out.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for

the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott!

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

80s Night @ Barfly Barfly parades its late license and introducing a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. She’ll die soon.

Have you made plans for the funeral?

Student Night @ Royworld The same as most other student nights I suspect, but with a shorter walk home than Clwb. Free to get in too.

Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honour.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Breaks, hip-hop and Drum’n’bass.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS As if Brit-Pop needed reviving with Space on the prowl Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature.

Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4 R’n’b and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings One Mission DJs @ Royworld The new place on City Road that everyone’s talking about. Tonight the One Mission crew offer Breaks and Drum’n’bass. It’s all free too. You can even go ten pin bowling as well.

Fridays Sweat Shop @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Ground Floor) 9pm, £3 A loud start to the weekend with a feast of emo, stoner-rock and metal.

Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7 The best in Drum’n’bass and hiphop.

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Cadence @ Bar Essential Free Entry. Deep House, Afro Latin and Nu Jazz. Sounds awesome, support it One Mission DJs @ Royworld The new place on City Road that everyone’s talking about. Tonight the One Mission crew offer Breaks and Drum’n’bass. It’s all free too.

You can even go ten pin bowling as well.

Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and house out on the bay.

ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS Hard House night featuring regular guest DJS. Cool House @ Emporium £8 Excellent night that periodically returns to the city. Featured Radio 1’s Yousef on 8th November if that

gives you any idea.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Great new night at Clwb on the ground floor. Fun and frolics with a sound track of psychedelia and garage.

Saturdays Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Funk 2 Funk @ Oz Bar Breaking away from its roots in Stoner metal, Oz Bar launches a night of funked up tunes courtesy of the people at Plastic Raygun records, Cardiff’s biggest and best dance label.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

Funked Out @ Royworld If you don’t have a name for your night, I’ll invent one for you free of charge. So, there you have it funky breaks and hip-hop courtesy of Jimmy Love from Clwb. Free. Do I sound poor to anyone?

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene.

More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike.

L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US Garage featuring Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Sweet’n’Spicy @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3 Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, Smart dress If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house Cadence @ Bar Essential free, see Friday. Say ‘cadence’ enough times and it sounds like ‘can dance’ as their publicity people handily point out.

Sundays Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs. Chilled American House @ Royworld Chris Evans leads the proceedings.

Free, as usual Taxi @ Moloko The night that’s set to revitalise Moloko’s fortune with resident DJs from Higher Learning and Carnival to offer music from around the world

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps your DJ spinning the decks or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Similarly if there’s event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know and we’ll replace it with something equally exciting.

Sport In salute of the capital’s recent sporting achievements, gair rhydd introduces Sports Listings. Go on, the rules of Rugby are easy to pick up and no one will notice if

you shift allegiance for three years.

Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk) vs Oldham Friday 31st January Cardiff have started to drfift lately.

Let’’s hope the New Year sees them back on top form as they continue their quest for promotion.

Cardiff Rugby (www.cardiffrfc.com) Sunday 15th December vs Bridgend 7.45pm kick off After the disaster that was the Heineken cup, Cardiff seek glory in the Welsh/Scottish league

Societies Nightline Training and introductory sessions: Thurs, February 13th 8-10pm. At Shandon Lecture Theatre. Sat, 15th, 10-5pm. Sun 16th, 2-7pm.

Tues 18th 8-10pm.

Regular Meetings Christian Union Meet every Friday at 7pm in Maths Building EO.15.

Debating Society Meet every Thursday in one of the Union Rooms.

Film Society Meets every Tuesday evening at 7.30 pm either in the Societies Lounge or in one of the fourth floor conference rooms. Weekly screening held at UGC, showing a selection of alternative, cult and classic films. Screenings are at 9.30pm. £2 admission for members, £3 for NUS. Funky Arse Disco Dancing Classes held every Wednesday in New Liberal Social Club on City Road, near Roath Park. Beginners’ class is 2-3pm, Intermediates 3-4pm and Advanced 4-5pm. Classes cost £1 each and membership is £5.

German Society Meets every Wednesday at 8pm in the Crwys Pub. Free membership, open to all.

Hindu Society Fortnightly Screenings of Bollywood Films at Birt Acres Theatre in Bute Building on Wednesdays at 6pm.

People and Planet Weekly meetings on Tuesdays at 8pm in the Union, either in the TV lounge or in one of the meeting rooms on the fourth floor.

Pagan Society Weekly meetings at Macky Pub at 8pm RAG Meet every Monday, 8pm in Buffers in Solus. Contact RAG@cf.ac.uk Sci FI Society Meet every Tuesday in the Pen and Wig at 7.30pm Yoga Society: Membership just £10 a year. Simply come along to classes on tuesdays, 12-1pm, 1-2pm in the Council Rooms, 4th floor of the Student Union.

Contacts The following are society email addresses, that will put you in touch with the relevant peeps.

Acappella Music Society, Acappelas@Cardiff.ac.uk Act One, ActOne@Cardiff.ac.uk African Caribbean Society, Africancaribbean@Cardiff.ac.uk AIESEC, Aiesec1@Cardiff.ac.uk Alt & Shift, AltandShift@Cardiff.ac.uk Amnesty International, Amnesty@Cardiff.ac.uk Archaeology, Archaeology@Cardiff.ac.uk Asian, Asians@Cardiff.ac.uk Ass Jacks, AssJacks@Cardiff.ac.uk Bahai, BahaiSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk Bangladesh Students, BangladeshStudents@Cardiff.ac.uk Business Careers, Businesscareers@Cardiff.ac.uk

Cathsoc, Catholics@Cardiff.ac.uk Chaplaincy (previously METHSOC), ChaplaincySociety@Cardiff.ac.uk Chinese Students & Scholars, ChineseStudents@Cardiff.ac.uk Christian Union, Christian_Union@Cardiff.ac.uk Communication Society, Communication@Cardiff.ac.uk Conservative Future, ConsFuture@Cardiff.ac.uk Cydradd, Cydradd@Cardiff.ac.uk Debating, CardiffDebate@Cardiff.ac.uk Democracy Movement, DemocracyMovement@Cardiff.ac.uk Duke of Edinburgh, DofEs@Cardiff.ac.uk Earthsoc (previously GEOLSOC), Earthsoc@Cardiff.ac.uk East African Society, EastAfricanSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk English, EnglishSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk Film, FilmSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk French, FrenchSoceity@Cardiff.ac.uk Funky Arse Disco Dancing, FunkyDisco@Cardiff.ac.uk Grimsoc, Grimsoc@Cardiff.ac.uk Hellenic, Hellenics@Cardiff.ac.uk Hindu Students Forum, HSFC@Cardiff.ac.uk Hispanic, HispanicSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk Indie Society, Indie@Cardiff.ac.uk Islamic, CUIS@Cardiff.ac.uk Italian Society, ItalianSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk Labour Club, LabourClub@Cardiff.ac.uk Law, LawSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk Liberal Democrats, LiberalDems@Cardiff.ac.uk Live Music, LiveMusic@Cardiff.ac.uk Maritime, MaritimeSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk Merry Meet (previously Pagan), MerryMeet@Cardiff.ac.uk Music, Music@Cardiff.ac.uk Navigators, Navigators@Cardiff.ac.uk Nigerian Students Association, Nigerian-Students@Cardiff.ac.uk Nightline, line@cf.ac.uk Oddsoc, Oddsoc@Cardiff.ac.uk Photographic, PhotographicSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk Plaid Cymru, PlaidCymru@Cardiff.ac.uk Politics, PoliticsSociety@Cardiff.ac.uk Postgrad Social (PGSS), PostGraduates@Cardiff.ac.uk Psychology, Psychology@Cardiff.ac.uk RAG, Rag@Cardiff.ac.uk Real Ale and Cider, RealAles@Cardiff.ac.uk SAWSA, Sawsa@Cardiff.ac.uk Sci Fi, Sci-Fi@Cardiff.ac.uk SIS, SIS-Society@Cardiff.ac.uk Socialist Students Society, SocialistStudents@Cardiff.ac.uk SOCSI, Socsi@Cardiff.ac.uk Sri Lankan, SriLankan@Cardiff.ac.uk STAR, STAR@Cardiff.ac.uk Student Impact, Student Scout & Guides, ScoutGuides@Cardiff.ac.uk Students of Theology & Religious Studies (STARS), STARS@Cardiff.ac.uk Taiwanese Student Society, TaiwaneseStudents@Cardiff.ac.uk Welsh History, WelshHistory@Cardiff.ac.uk Welsh Pharmaceutical Students Assoc., Wpsa@Cardiff.ac.uk Wildsoc, Wildsoc@Cardiff.ac.uk Wind Band, Windband@Cardiff.ac.uk Xpress Radio, Xpress@Cardiff.ac.uk Y Gym Gym, Gym@Cardiff.ac.uk

Calling all societies! Want your event listed in these hallowed pages? Email us at gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com

with details of your event and we’ll put you in touch with the student masses. Don’t hang around before letting us know either. Often you’ll need to give us about two weeks notice to ensure that you feature in the paper, so get moving. Alternatively, for information about a society or event, then please contact Laura Welsh, Societies and Union Secretary, on WelshL2@cf.ac.uk.

05

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2003 : AN ARTS ODYSSEY

WAITING IN THE WINGS

E

very year is great here on Arts page, and 2003 promises to be no exception. The Arts world will be thrusting itself deep into your life this year with a feast of pulsating pleasures.

Watch out for a great run of drama at the Sherman. Aside from Act One’s Death of a Salesman (see below), there’s

Julia Pascal’s Holocaust Trilogy which takes a beforeduring-after sort of approach to the titular tragedy and looks ace. It runs between the 27th Jan and 1st Feb. Then check out Speakeasy! which is based on Moliere’s Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme, and runs from 14th Feb. Go put some culture in your life!

DOES ARTS PA G E T I C K L E YOUR PICKLE?

W

ell does it? In a rare instance of Arts Desk pretending to care, we want to make sure that we’re satisfying all your needs. Basically, we want you to tell us want you want more of. Ballet? Opera? Stuff at Chapter? Comedy gigs? You

got it. We just wanna be sure that every inch of Arts page gives you pleasure. An attentive lover is a good one.

Ummmmm...

Email your thoughts to gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com and we’ll take them on board.

KINGS OF COMEDY

T

he legend known only as Mark Thomas returns to the Sherman on Thursday 30th to deliver an ass-whippin’ barrage of savage humour and biting lefty politics. Expect plenty of mileage on the old Iraq debate, but to uncover the underlying political issues too. What makes Thomas different from his contemporaries is his fearless research which makes him the best informed political comedian you’ll see this year or any other.

Equally fearless is Dave Gorman. This time, Dave wrote to his local paper to ask for ideas to improve the world. Following the suggestions the readers gave him, he set out on a crazed mission to do just that.

Que loads of madcap adventures and laffs with our foolhardy host. The show’s on January 25th.

At St David’s Hall you can check out Ireland’s finest stand-up, Ed Byrne. Not to be confused with Jason Byrne, although Arts desk isn’t too sure what the difference is. Catch his crazed comedy on th12th of February.

Also at St David’s Hall, WW2 war criminals and Daily Mail readers will be pleased to note the return of Bernard Manning. Arts desk is on its moral high horse today, and isn’t going to tell you when the show is.

Mark Thomas: the Tank Engine

THESPO ACTION W

hen they’re not busy playing pub golf, Act One are putting on classy plays. First up is veteran playwright Arthur Miller’s Death of A Salesman. It’s the classic tale of a wasted life and wasted dreams. hopefully with Noo Yoik accents aplenty. It’s running in the Sherman Theatre from 21-25 January.

Prices are £5-7 so get your tickets quick for maximum bums-onseats satisfaction. Shows start at 7.00.

Arts

Miller: Showed Marylin Monroe his stiffy

reviews

Next up is Shakespeare’s Henry V. Don’t worry if you missed the other four, because it’s in Shakespearean and won’t make much sense anyway. This promises to be a bloody and exciting thrill-ride with thesping abound. Check it out from 31st January - 1st February in the Great Hall. Shows start at 7.00. On Sunday and Monday there is a matinee at 2pm. Latecomers will be beheaded.

06 LEGENDARY

"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster"

M DIRECTORS

Martin Scorsese

ilm directors page

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By Neil Blain

artin Scorsese grew up surrounded by gangsters.

He was raised in Flushing, a Catholic district of Little Italy in New York nearby a young Robert De Niro and today, frequently recounts how he was "aware of these older men who had power without lifting a finger".

This corrupt system interested him immediately and most of his films would go on to investigate the way power and corruption is distributed throughout society.

Be it in Henry Hill’s attraction to the mob guys Cadillacs in Goodfellas, or Charlie’s attempts to help his wild cousin Johnny Boy survive on the Mean Streets of New York, or Newland Archer’s rebellion against a cold and sexually repressive society in The Age Of Innocence, Scorsese’s films are littered with corruption, power and

Henry Hill reminisces on childhood in Goodfellas repression, all originating from human sin and greed.

Like Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, all his characters literally drown in society.

As an asthmatic child who was prevented from joining in with his friends childhood activities he developed an interest in cinema, a dream further realised when he dropped out of studying to become a priest and enrolled at NYU film school.

After making a handful of critically acclaimed documentaries and shorts, Scorsese directed Mean Streets (1973) widely acknowledged as his first feature length masterpiece.

Mean Streets benchmarked the style for which Scorsese would become famous.

It had a realistic and gritty

documentary feel, it’s characters were colourful anti-heroes, and it paralleled themes of religion and crime. It was directorially original with a punchy style that mixed long tracking shots with fast edits, and it was positively rammed with popular contemporary music that dominated each scene.

It also launched the career of Harvey Keitel and struck a life long partnership between Scorsese and Robert De Niro who would work together eight times in total, producing some of the century’s best cinema in the process.

Six of the Best Taxi Driver (1976) Scorsese’s best and most famous film explores the effect of New York’s dark underworld upon a disturbed and lonely Vietnam veteran bent on eliminating the filth from the streets.

Goodfellas (1990) The fact that Goodfellas has been copied endlessly proves that it is the definitive modern gangster epic. Weaving a tale of corruption around three aspiring mobsters, played terrifically by Joe Pesci, Ray Liotta and Robert De Niro, Scorsese manages to portray mafia life in full, with all its money and all its misery.

Raging Bull (1980) Widely considered to be the best film of the eighties and famous for De Niro’s Oscar winning method mad performance, Scorsese’s atmospheric biopic of washed up boxer Jake La Motta is disturbingly excellent.

The Age of Innocence (1993)

The King Of Comedy The Last Temptation (1983) of Christ (1988) One of Scorsese’s most underated and

Scorsese proved that he could cover all genres when he adapted Edith Wharton’s sharp tale of repressed emotion and suffocating society in 1870’s New York.

Scorsese received death threats after his controversial adaptation of Nikos Kazantzakis’ novel, starring Willem Dafoe as Jesus, caused uproar in religious circles around the world.

undervalued films, The King of Comedy is a jet black satire dealing with Rupert Pupkin’s desperate attempts to become a famous stand up comic. It is as poignant in today’s fame-obsessed society as it was in the eighties.

Future Plans and Projects

D

espite Scorsese’s growing fistful of masterpieces, he has never been able to get his hands on an Academy Award, and strongly believes that he never will, despite the fact that the likes of Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci and Paul Newman, have all garnered Oscars for appearing in his films.

That said, his latest, Gangs Of New York, has received five Golden Globe nominations including Best Film and Best

Director and it is highly likely that he will be nominated for an Academy Award once again.

His next film will be The Aviator which starts shooting in May and is due for release in 2004.

It will cover the life of Howard Hughes, a famous movie director and producer and the script will begin as a young Hughes, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, directs one of Scorsese’s favourite films, Hell’s Angels.

07

Gangsters Paradise

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GANGS OF NEW YORK RELEASED: OUT NOW CERTIFICATE: 18 RUNNING TIME: 168 mins

CAST Leonardo DiCaprio: Amsterdam Vallon Daniel Day Lewis: William Cutting Cameron Diaz: Jenny Everdeane Jim Broadbent: William Tweed John C. Reilly: Happy Jack

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Dir.: Martin Scorsese Scr.: Jay Cocks, Stephen Zaillian & Kenneth Lonergan In 1847 Bill ‘The Butcher’ Cutting’s Native Americans massacre the Irish ‘Priest’ Vallon’s Dead Rabbits gang and wins control of the Five Points of New York. Sixteen years later, as New York reverberates from the shockwaves of the civil war draft, Amsterdam Vallon returns to revenge his father’s death.

T

he buzz that preempted Martin Scorsese’s epic retelling of New York’s history was almost wholly negative.

As the public were bombarded with tales of budgetary and scheduling problems, and furious on set quarrels, the general feeling was that Gangs Of New York would fail to live up to it’s potential and would end up a huge, expensive mess.

Fortunately, this is not so.

On the contrary, Martin Scorsese has once again proved that he is one of the greatest directors of his generation.

Gangs Of New York broils with excellence.

From the bloodthirsty

battle at it’s opening, to it’s dramatic finale, throughout the film’s epic three hour running time, the attention is held by a tight script, colourful characters, gut wrenchingly realistic action and intelligent direction.

The complex and multilayered relationship between Leonardo DiCaprio’s Amsterdam, and his nemesis yet mentor, Bill ‘The Butcher’, wonderfully portrayed by a dazzling Daniel Day Lewis, rises far above any stereotypical revenge story.

Such a steely relationship, set against a confused nations quarrels, makes the perfect drama.

With his usual style Scorsese’s camera tracks around the authentic 1860’s setting, shamelessly

portraying the corruption and hypocrisy of the era.

His honest depiction of American democracy, where people vote, shave their beards, and then vote again, effectively captures the irony of a people who had their freedom stolen when they were forced to fight a war of freedom.

In one scene Irish immigrants are seen dismounting from a ship, becoming citizens of the US, enrolling in the army, being clothed in uniform, and then reloaded back onto the Navy’s ships, all in one long tracking shot without cuts.

Whether the American audience can stand such a battering upon their beloved

system is yet to be seen, but for anyone interested in learning about the grittier, untold elements of history, this film is a must.

Neil Blain

FINAL WORD Only a master like Scorsese could rule so well over such a large set, and deal with such grand issues. The result is a masterpiece which can be set beside Scorsese’s other New York films with its head held high.

✩✩✩✩

"You Talkin’ To Me?"

By Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver to the Stars

After his legendary tangles with the local police, politician and prostitute communities of New York, the infamous taxi driver, Travis Bickle, thought it best to enrol on an anger management course and return to his chosen profession with a more positive outlook to life. Although New York is host to a vast array of what Travis politely calls "skunk pussies", it is also widely acclaimed to be a showbiz hotspot, and Travis constantly finds himself giving rides to some of Hollywood’s finest. So with all the latest buzz and movieland gossip, gair ryhdd is proud to present a unique movie guide to 2003 by Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver to the stars. called Solaris, Solaris Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Mind and Welcome to Collinwood, Collinwood but you just can’t satisfy him. He wanted to be in Quentin Tarantino’s new film, Kill Bill.

Bill I told him "George, Tarantino films are for schmucks who’s careers are wasted and need a kick start. You’re too high flying for that sort of thing, capiche?"

He believed me, but still said that all he wanted was to be in a kung-fu film like Tarantino’s.

"That’s fair enough", I said, "kung-fu kicks ass".

My most recent passenger was Robert De Niro. He is a very good looking guy. He wanted to tell me about his new films, but I wasn’t interested.

Anyway that’s all from me for now. Stay in school kids.

Film

Kill Bill

interested in any sequel. When he kept on talking about an American version of The Ring and a third instalment to The Lord of the Rings I told him to take his talk of homo-erotic porn elsewhere.

Another wiseguy I gave a ride too who was much cooler was Charlton Heston. Now I love guns, and so did this guy, in fact, he was almost obsessed as I am. I told him about all the guns I have, and about how I once tried to assassinate the President, and he said that I seemed just right for his special society. Anyway he told me about some films that you just had to see if you liked guns called The Matrix: Reloaded and Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines, Machines which he described as ‘futuristic utopian visions’.

Last week I gave a lift to a punk who claimed to be George Clooney, who, like me, is quite a hit with the ladies (but I don’t like to brag). Old George is gonna be in three films next year

review

X Men 2

Hello to all my friends over there in Wales, wherever that may be. Just recently I have given lots of rides to some wiseguys that work in Hollywood and they have told me everything they know about movies coming out this year.

The other day I gave a ride to some schmuck called Kevin Smith. When he got in he seemed like the silent type but it didn’t take him long before he started blabbing on about films. This guy was a real geek and was crazy over comic books and wouldn’t shutup about some comic book adaptations coming out soon. The first was Daredevil, Daredevil about a blind superhero who cleans the scum from the streets, and the second was about a guy with serious anger management problems in The Hulk, Hulk both whom I can relate too. Then he started up about a film called X Men 2.

2 Now I’ve seen a lot of X-rated films, but definitely none that are just about men, so I wasn’t

ames/wereviews b

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08 Faction action Bring me sunshine SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE [GAMECUBE] NINTENDO

RED FACTION II [PS2]

T

he original Red Faction was hyped on its destructible scenery, catchily monikered “GeoMod”. The prospect of spazzing out and reducing whole buildings to rubble with your rocket launcher was too much for most punters, and it sold in droves. Problem was, GeoMod was a gimmick, a promising technology implemented without any imagination whatsoever.

Generally,you were only allowed to blow stuff up where a purpose was served - to solve a puzzle, or clear a path from A to B. The developers of RFII obviously had some kind of mental block to these criticisms, because they’ve gone and made all the same mistakes again from the look of this demo. Maybe someone lost their to-do list.

The single level featured on the disc gives you a taster of the weapons , enemies and environments in the full game. However, pretty much all of the faults of the original title are present and accounted for here - linear level design, terminally stupid bad guys, drab visuals, and so on. Plus, you get a couple

of bonus cock-ups - twitchy controls and intrusive voice acting to name but two.

Still, let’s not be too hasty later levels promise a range of vehicles to pilot, a metric ton of new weaponry and a higher body count. Not too dissimilar to every other first person shooter-sequel in existence, then? Also in the offing is a ‘complex and thrilling’ plot, but then again the storyline throughout the first level wasn’t exactly Tom Clancy Steven Segal, more like.

This looks to be a dumb, action movie-style blaster, lacking in imagination or soul, but it is executed stylishly.

And with a cool set of gimmicks, too. Gareth Lloyd

H

ey! Mario’s back, and boy was it worth the wait. Mario’s Technicolour world has been recreated seamlessly, displaying bright primary colours and beautifully detailed villagers. However banish any thoughts of this being a child’s game. I won’t lie to you this game is HARD. Whilst it starts out easy, you will end up tearing chunks of hair from your frustrated head.

The imaginative assault courses are the most prominent culprit, being at times unforgivably challenging making you think in 3D for the first time since GCSE Technical Drawing. However, the thing that makes this game a contender for game of the year is the sheer variety.

Super Mario Sunshine includes sections of bogstandard platforming, swimming, shooting through Mario’s F.L.U.D.D. (Flash Liquidated Ultra Dousing

Truly unreal appeal UNREAL TOURNAMENT 2003 [PC-CD ROM]

U

nreal Tournament 2003 is here at last.

Fantastic! But wait, I’m afraid there’s a check list. Is your PC less than 18 months old? Is it at least 1Ghz CPU, 256Mb RAM, 64Mb 3D Card with 3 Gb of hard disk space kicking its heels? Oh, and did I mention, do you have broadband? Sadly, if the answer to any of these questions is ‘no’, then UT

2003 isn’t for you because you can’t get the best from it.

So stop reading here. For the lucky few of you that are still with me, you’re in for a rare treat of a game (P.S. Can I have some money please, you rich sod?) UT 2003 is essentially the update to the four year old Quake 3 arch-rival Unreal Tournament (and in my opinion better) that gave so many repetitive strain injuries

nearly half a decade ago.

So what’s new? Well, to be brutally honest, not a lot and that’s the beauty of it. The weapons are essentially the same as they ever were and the feel of the original has been enhanced in such a natural way that it gives those who loved the original a warm glow of satisfaction.

Satisfaction however, is blatantly not enough for a game that has been four years in the making; a time gap that should mean sumptuous graphics, blistering speed and nerve shredding multiplayer. And if your PC is up to the job, UT 2003 doesn’t disappoint in any way.

Maps are huge and simply gorgeous both in the scale of some of the vast buildings/mountains etc, and in the details such as grass that waves in the wind and realistic mists that cover you until the last millisecond before you vapourise an unsuspecting enemy.

Device), racing and even riding rollercoasters. These different stages make the game a joy to play.

The main game world is split up over seven main stages other than the hub world Isle Delfino, including Pinna Park, Bianca Hills, Noki Bay, Ricco Harbour, Sirena Beach and Gelato Beach.

Each have their own distinct style but it’s easily believable that they are part of the same island. Over 120 shines are scattered over these stages, offering 8 episodes each which have a beautiful shine at the end of each episode. Finding all 120 will take weeks but luckily, only 50 are needed to finish the game. This is still no mean feat though as difficult puzzles are included in most episodes.

The controls are simple enough, using the A button as jump, B button to talk, R button to squirt the FLUDD and L to centre the camera.

The C Stick can be used for more advanced camera alteration. The reason for this massive undertaking is the graffiti that has been littered around the island. The culprit is identical to Mario in every way, except that he’s blue.

However the less than intelligent villagers think that Mario is the perpetrator (The sun has obviously had an effect on their eyesight). Thus Mario sets out to clean up the whole island and return the shines that have been frightened away by the graffiti.

Episodes can last for half a minute or half an hour depending on how far in the game you are but one thing’s for sure, it won’t be easy.

Combine this with showy weapon effects, a superb physics system that accurately models both weapon fire and gory deaths at lightening pace, and you are left with visual splendour that your retinas are hardly fit to comprehend. Not forgetting sound that really emphasises the bitter sweetness of rocket colliding with head, BOOM! SPLATTER! It just doesn’t get old or tiresome at all.

Despite offering an engaging and highly entertaining single player experience that encompasses Death Match, Capture The

Veteran Mario players will be pleased to note that Yoshi makes a welcome appearance and he is needed for some episodes. The quest is completely free roaming and exploration is called for to collect all of the blue coins, which can be exchanged for shines. The puzzle element shines through again with the inclusion of four nozzles, squirt, hover, rocket and turbo.

Squirt is always available for selection but only one of the other three can be carried simultaneously. The extra nozzles can only be unlocked after a certain number of shines have been collected, which aids the steep learning curve as Sirena beach is much harder that the first world, Bianca Hills. These harder worlds require different nozzles to be accessed.

The one thing that shines through during the game is sheer class. The boys at Nintendo have produced another masterful display of innovation and technical expertise, which apart from a dodgy camera is flawless.

Your GameCube collection isn’t complete without this game. Chris Thompson

Flag, Domination and Bombing Run, multiplayer against real people online or better still against you mates over LAN is where the true brilliance of UT 2003 shines through. All these modes, played against your friends really rub salt into the wounds of the fallen and swell the heads of the victorious with a blood lustful pride.

Somehow this game has elevated FPS from just an all out gore-fest into a test of a skill and cunning at a twisted future sport with really really big guns!

Simeon Rosser-Trokas

09

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I Could Getaway THE GETAWAY [PS2, STUDENT NETWORK] SCEE

W

ell here it is. The long awaited UK spin on Grand Theft Auto: Vice City crossed with Lock, Stock and with expectations like that it’s a surprise to see that The Getaway resembles neither. The basic plot is that you play Mark Hammond. Your wife is gunned down in the street, the scum who have done it have kidnapped your son and,to top it all off, the cops suspect you. Can anyone say ‘Max Payne’? Well don’t.

You enter the game driving full pelt after the villans before catching up with them in an old warehouse. Here the crime boss makes you an offer; complete missions for the gang in exchange for the safe return of your son.

The action is a blend of

running, shooting and driving through the almost perfectly recreated streets of London.

SCEE have come up with a fantastic new method of navigation. Gone are the old faithful maps (that’s far too easy) and in its place is a system whereby the indicators flash when you need to turn, and the hazzards flash when you reach your destination. The gun battles are intense and consuming but you will get shot to ribbons. No fear; you can heal yourself by finding a quiet spot and leaning against the wall.

The blood will slowly disappear and you will be returned to full health. Just remember to face any direction of potential attack.

The controls have much in common with other capcom titles and can be frustrating at times. However, that is a small price to pay for the sheer quality of the rest of the game.

It’s definately worth a look.

Chris Pietryka

Stupid Name, Great Game

RATCHET AND CLANK [PS2] INSOMNIAC/SCEE

S

ounds like an idiot trying to do DIY but in fact is one of the more creative games to come out on the PS2 in a long while.

Ratchet And Clank sees a return to form of the classic 3D platform games that were a mainstay of the games industry during the 90s. And what a welcome return to the format it is.

In this game you control the main character, Ratchet. He’s a mechanic whose home world is visited by the robot Clank.

Together they embark on a quest to save the universe travelling from world to world liberating the inhabitants from the evil forces. On their way the collect nuts and bolts which can

be used as currency to buy new weapons and upgrades to Clank. Each planet has hidden missions where you can collect special gold bolts for additional rewards.

The controls are instinctive and the gameplay runs smoothly. Once again a developer has a love of cut scenes but they all add to the story and are limited to links between chapters of the story.

The graphics are slicker than a greased up seal and the varying objectives and constantly upgrading toys means the game always has something new to keep you hooked. This is the game that your collection has been missing. Chris Pietryka

What a comic-al fight!

Homeless Jackass

H

B

MARVEL VS CAPCOM 2 [PS2] CAPCOM

umfights. Now before you get any ideas go wash you mind out. This is an American site where the ‘bum’ reference is to homeless people, not the piece of meat you are sitting on.

The site is about a group of Americans who have gone around the country paying the

Varsity Discussion www.bbc.co.uk/wales/ scrumv

C

ardiff University rugby is set to become the talk of the net. The people at bbc.co.uk have opened up the Scrum V discussion board to the varsity match for postgame discussion after the event on the 19th February.

The results of the board will be posted in you beloved gair rhydd and on the BBC Wales

This week’s charts Playstation 2 1: GTA: Vice City Will eat your life 2: 007: Nightfire Bond saves the world 3: Smackdown 4 WWE fun for all 4: FIFA 2003 Good football sim 5: Harry Potter Pinnochio acting 6: LOTR: Fellowship Film game hybrid 7: Kingdom Hearts Sounds nice 8: Tony Hawk’s 4 Same s**t new day 9: Star Wars: Bounty Hunter Jango fun 10:Spyro: enter the dragonfly New PS2 platformer

X-Box 1: Splinter Cell Another must have 2: Halo Classic shooter 3: 007” Nightfire On his lunchbreak 4: Medal of Honour War games 5: Championship Manager Latest update 6: Blinx Ideas by email please 7: FIFA 2003 More footie 8: Ghost Recon Clancy book-to-game 9: Project Gotham Unique racer 10:Tony Hawks 4 Skatebording

PC-CD ROM 1: Medal of Honour Add on 2: Sims Unleashed on an innocent public 3: Harry Potter No comment 1: Age of Mythology I dunno 5: 007: Nightfire While eating 6: Starfleet Combat 3 Star Wars 7: Nomads No not them.

8: Combat Flight Sim 3 Plane crazy 9: Robot Wars Spin off 10:Neverwinter Nights I Dunno

homeless to do jackass style stunts and have fights against each other. However, whereas the Jackass crew have been given a big budget and a big Hollywood movie, the bum fight crew have been arrested and sued for their efforts. Their full video is available through the site.

Game Cube 1: Starfox Mmm foxy 2: WWE Smackdown Smackdown 3: Mario Party 4 Fun 4: Star Wars: Clone Wars Money for Lucas 5: Mario Sunshine Plumber 6: SW: Rogue Leader Greedy B*****d 7: Medal of Honour War Games again 8: 007: Nightfire a subway.

9: FIFA 2003 Football 10:Spyro Another Conversion

website.

So log on on the 19th to discuss how well our boys were throwing, kicking and passing their odd shaped balls from hand to hand.

For more information on the Varsity events the look out for the pullout in the next issue of the gair rhydd.

Chris Pietryka

Coming soon..

H

appy new year boys and girls. We hope that the fat man brought you all you wanted, presents and happiness wise. 2003 looks set to be a great year if you put the wars, fire strikes and other rubbish to one side. So sit back and enjoy.

If you have anything to say on the games and web front or want to have your say about a game you have played then drop us a line at gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com.

We are looking specifically for website reviews, so get in touch, surfers!

Thanks to GAME once again for their continued support in supplying the chart. It fills the space up nicely, dont you think?

Games/web

Ryu and the like) taking on the characters from Marvel comics.

For those of you not familiar with the works of these comics, the characters include the XMEN, Captain America and Spiderman (complete with bad guys). As the battles commence you are drawn into the world of hitting buttons and pulling off combos and special moves.

You become so absorbed by the game you scream at the screen when Wolverine eats a Ryu firebolt. The satisfaction of beating the opponent to submission is overwhelming.

Each fight and series of battles rewards you with capcom dollars with which you can buy new characters,

www.bumfights.com

reviews

ere we go again. Get the cream and bandages ready for another heavy case of what gamers lovingly refer to as ‘SEGA thumb’. Another 2D beat-em-up from the people that brought us Street Fighter and all the variations thereof.

Here we have our old friends from Capcom (Ken,

outfits and battle arenas. The selection on offer changes every time you open the shop so some careful decisions need to be made as to how long you will keep reopening the shop to get that one illusive character you want.

The gamplay is the usual beat-em-up fare with the lack of the 3rd dimension bringing old skool fighting back to the PS2. Tekken is the king of the 3D fighting games, but Capcom are still the undisputed champions in 2D. Chris Pietryka

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Battle Of The Divas KELLY R. KELLY O. VS KELLY OSBOURNE: Shut Up (Epic)

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/ KELLY ROWLAND: Stole (Columbia)

s every geek and hanger-on in the history of the world knows, you don’t have to be cool to look cool; all that’s necessary is to attach yourself to the right people. It helps, of course, if you have a monolithic PR machine at your disposal, but even then disaster can strike if, heady with group popularity, one attempts to seek solo acclaim.

The simultaneous release of the two Kellys’ solo singles has been played up as a rivalry between characters as different as can be, but it’s really the same problem which afflicts both. Osbourne, no longer in the role of Ozzy’s über-brat offspring, is revealed to be nothing more than a spoilt LA rich kid launching a singing career off the back of a reality TV show (and the truly abysmal song doesn’t help); Rowland’s connections with Beyoncé and Nelly, meanwhile, crumble into nothing in the face of Stole’s cloying mediocrity. Girls, you’ve been rumbled. Alex Macpherson ★ for Osbourne, ★★ for Rowland

JESSE MALIN Queen Of The Underworld One Little Indian Ok, lets get the ‘hilarious’ jokes surrounding this man’s mentor out of the way first. Yes, Ryan Adams produced Malin’s album, and yes that is RYAN and not the pit-faced singer who stayed at number one in the charts for approximately half a year sometimes in the nineties. And yes again, Ryan’s influence is obvious on this slick, yet lazily swaggering track. Queen Of The Underworld is a pleasure; simple, sweet and a well-justified choice of single of a wonderful Alt.country album.

Lucy Thomas

★★★★ OUR LADY PEACE Somewhere Out There Epic

SCHNEIDER TM Reality Check City Slang

Somewhere Out There shows a dramatic change in direction for Our Lady Peace. This is a moving ballad that builds into a huge orchestral production that highlights a progression in OLP’s style. No longer are they the post-prog rock noise-smiths they used to be but thoughtful and incisive songwriters. This single should give them the attention in Britain that they deserve.

Anthony Lloyd

Slightly disappointing choice of a single from the man known to his mum as Dirk Dresselhaus from his latest album Zoomer. Reality Check stylistically melds the gentle acoustics of Kings Of Convenience with the annoyingly vocodered vocals of Daft Punk and unsurprisingly ends up sounding terminally dull.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

STABB This Joke’s On Me Music For Nations A rather unimaginative goth-rock affair, this; if there’s any spark of excitement in it at all, it’s well disguised by the sludge of droning guitar chords.

Belinda Kordic’s vocals are buried, too, which is probably for the best: they aspire to Courtney Love’s anguished howls with the same degree of success as the Pop Rivals kids aspired to be proper pop stars. Alex Macpherson

★

ECHOBOY Automatic Eyes Interesting electro-pop from Echoboy, this being the first single from his fourth album. Although it’s not likely to trouble the chart, this lo-fi electrical track is more smooth and less disjointed than the obvious comparisons of Primal Scream and Death in Vegas, and all the more worth listening to because of it. Ian Johnson

★★

★★★

ASIAN DUB FOUNDATION Fortress Europe Virgin In a period where (Anglo-)Asian culture is being absorbed into the mainstream as something safe and middle class, Asian Dub Foundation return again to hammer on the walls.

This is their first real tub-thumper since Free Satpal Ram with the usual raps, beats and lyrical attacks. Fast-paced, this will be an awesome live track when they tour. Ian Johnson

★★★

THE FREE ASSOCIATION (I Wish I Had A) Wooden Heart 13 Amp Smooth, funky and soulful? That’ll be David Holmes and Stephen Hilton, bastions of real soul music in their Free Association guise. One of the better tracks off their self titled debut, Wooden Heart is the sort of song that Morcheeba wish they could still write, a simple vocal hook balanced with taut beats and interesting instrumentation.

Even better still is Roots Manuva’s dub mix: “Brekkie, like a trekkie - Scotty?

snotty”, intones the big man in true Lee Perry fashion as the echo chambers reverberate around us. Smokin’.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

DJ SNEAK FEAT. BEAR Fix My Sink Credence/EMI It’s the start of a new year and perhaps, just perhaps, you might’ve resolved to take a greater interest in DIY home improvements. The likelihood is, then, that you’ll need a soundtrack to such endeavours. Enter: DJ Sneak. Although the initial two bars sound like the amplified plucking of a fork’s tines, the tune quickly launches itself into a funky old-school disco groove in a Kool And The Gang kind of way. Surely you can plumb to that Andrew Davidson

★★★

ERICK SERMON FEAT. REDMAN React J Records Ah bhangra, you are sampled by Missy Elliott then everyone thinks they can have a go. Produced in the typical rap way (the sample sells the song) and surrounded by phat bass; Sermon and Redman give it the full makeover.

A guaranteed floor filler, in the short term at least. Richard Samuels

★★★

INME Crushed Like Fruit Music For Nations InMe are possibly the most hated band in Britain. To those who have heard them, they represent all that is wrong with the industry in a neat little package. Nu-metal could be good but with songs equivalent to the Cheeky Girls it’s going from average to worse.

Richard Samuels

★

THE LIBERTINES Time For Heroes Rough Trade 80s-style jangly guitar music from East Lahndan with the latest instalment of Britpop and more influences than anyone could ever spot. If this had been

released five years ago, the NME would have described it as too fey, but now, post-Strokes, we’re all slavering over people who can reproduce yesterday just like it was - only with the crappy stuff taken out. My mum would dance to this. Ian Johnson

★★

FIONN REGAN Reservoir EP Anvil Records The newest and brightest rising star on the acoustic folk scene, Fionn Regan, has a distinct rare talent.

Throughout this darkly evocative EP it’s very easy to see why such grand allusions to the likes of Jeff Buckley and Elliott Smith have circulated ever since Regan first appeared. If gentle acoustic guitars, emotive vocals and succulent prose are your cup of cocoa, Fionn Regan is definitely one to look out for. Gemma Jones

★★★★

ELECTRIC SIX Danger! High Voltage XL A shot of pure rock adrenaline which wipes the floor with practically any other single released for the first two months of this year. Featuring the hysterical backing vocals of Jack White on the chorus this resurrected disco classic seems set to propel Electric Six into the spotlight as the “next best thing”.

Excellent this may be, the b-sides are worryingly lacking in either the style or flair of the title track. Perhaps its time to be sharpening those knives against the garage rock revival. I’m just hoping this band get out there and prove me wrong. Andy Parsons

★★★★★

Electric Six: Twisted firestarters

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xford cheeky chimps Supergrass have had quite a year. Having just finished one mammoth tour and about to embark on a UK arena tour promoting their hit album Life On Other Planets. Rob Coombes pops in to chat to Dave Gibson and Becky Wedlake about where Supergrass go next...

Through a cloud of smoke appears the gaunt face and mane of unkempt hair of keyboardist Rob Coombes, making his triumphant return to his former university where

many things have changed since his days reading astrophysics.

Over the last decade, Supergrass have evolved from the anthemic pop of Alright to the raw intensity of the current album. Flirting with different styles whilst maintaining the integral sound of Supergrass has long been a trait of the band.

“Our albums are each very different but there is a common thread that runs through them. On one end of the spectrum is pop whilst the other end has a much darker edge. We get away with it because people accept that it’s just Supergrass blowing off steam.”

In recent years Supergrass have gone from strength to strength whilst their peers (Pulp, Suede, Cast) have retreated from the spotlight.

“I think our longevity is because we weren’t afraid to turn down projects we couldn’t handle; projects that would make us a lot of money but fuck things

up in the long term.”

Maintaining credibility has always been important to Supergrass,leading them to reject Spielberg’s offer of a Monkees-style TV series.

“We didn’t do the TV series because we didn’t want to create a monster.

Being in control of what you create is very important – Supergrass have always kept in control.”

Unlike, perhaps, the support band on these dates The Libertines, whose perceived hedonism and subsequent departure of their tour manager contrasts to the squeaky-clean, boynext-door image of Supergrass.

“Have they got a lot of drugs hype?

I wouldn’t have made friends with them if I’d known that!” Tongue restored to natural position, Rob concedes, “they certainly know how to party.”

At the recent launch of Life On Other Planets, a host of stars paid tribute to Supergrass by performing lounge versions of their songs, including Graham Coxon’s version of Richard III (“it scared me just how fired up he was!”). So does this make Supergrass a national institution?

Four albums on, inspiration for the band shows no signs of abating.

“We’re still inspired by the music of the 60s and 70s – Sly Stone, Hendrix, Bowie… music hasn’t been like that since and it wasn’t like that before. So many people were on to such a new thing… people obviously believed that in society things were changing for the better and this was reflected in the music. Because we all write, it quadruples our creative output.”

Another striking thing about this era was the ease with which British artists stormed America – a feat Oxford peers Radiohead have enjoyed but a challenge Supergrass are, as yet, to achieve.

The Strange Ones

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“We already have quite a following in LA, New York and San Francisco but to enjoy success in America, you have to be on the radio; to be on the radio you have to be a certain type of music, a certain type of band.”

So where now for Supergrass?

“I’d like to get the opportunity to do another album. I’d love to be here in five years’ time having done eight albums. Stylistically, the next album is going to be quite soulful. I’ve been listening to a lot of Cuban dance music – I’d like to try and incorporate some salsa beats… we’ll never do Saturday morning TV music!”

From astrophysics to British superband… there’s hope for us all.

Life On Other Planets is out now on Parlophone

F

rom being labelled one hit wonders and being dropped from their label to returning on blistering top form playing with the likes of The Vines and Ed Harcourt, New York’s enigmatic emo trio Nada Surf talk to Owain Cooke about life following their departure from Elektra and their aspirations for the future...

Despite having been together as a band for

equipment a lot more portable and our music more accessible. People who wouldn’t normally listen to us can enjoy our music.”

Musically though he seems that he wants to move away from that simplicity.

“I don’t think we’ll get any softer, I think we’ve done that. I’ve been listening to a lot of rock-dance music, stuff like the B52s which doesn’t have any typical dance elements but is really dance music. I’m not sure what we’ll do, all I know is that it will be at a tangent.” And whatever they do, you can be sure it’s going to be worth hearing.

Let Go is out now on Heavenly Records

Surf’s Up!

Music

they hadn’t heard it and just signed us on this record which is really nice for us as it’s getting by on our own merit.”

Being labelless also helped the band (completed by bassist Daniel Lorca and drummer Ira Elliot) with the making of last year’s album Let Go: “It was kind of a luxury because we didn’t have any pressure on us. It was a lot like making our first album again as we were making it as normal people, not pop stars.

We didn’t have to pay attention to what we ‘should’ be doing and didn’t have to write a super-smash song or think of how we could recapture our audience again.”

Matthew attributes the band’s diverse style to “being torn between super-rock like The Ramones and Led Zeppelin and the totally twee dreamy stuff like Simon & Garfunkel, Leonard Cohen and Neil Young”, but says that the more mellow and mature sound on Let Go comes from listening to a lot of Alt.country and bluegrass during their time off.

“We always felt like we had to rock but this time we had the freedom to make a record that’s both of those things.”

Having played entirely acoustic shows in the past, Matthew is keen to experiment with the possibilities this brings.

“We want to do a tour of Eastern Europe and Russia in a van with a small PA. Playing acoustically makes our

interviews

seven years and having released three albums, New York trio Nada Surf had only managed to play one previous tour and a handful of dates in the UK before their current tour, which has seen them play their first ever Welsh date and several dates with The Vines.

“We had difficulty squeezing all our songs into half an hour, but luckily they’ve given us an extra ten minutes which is about perfect for us. We feel that with a lot of the crowd we’re the second band they’ve ever seen, with the first being The Bandits, (the other support band on the tour) and that if we played any longer we’d be outstaying our welcome.”

Their lack of touring was mainly due to problems with their label Elektra in the US, who in 1998 refused to release their second full-length The Proximity Effect due to a lack of hit singles.

“At the time I tried to pretend it didn’t hurt”, says singer/guitarist Matthew Caws, “but I was actually pretty shocked because I think it’s a really good record. It was at a bad time because the window was closing on alternative music and all the record companies were freaking out.”

Being dropped didn’t help the one-hit-wonder tag the band had acquired after the video for Popular (from their 1996 album High/Low) was heavily rotated on MTV. “It’s funny because at our new label Heavenly,

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GANGSTA TRIPPIN? GANSTA LOVIN’?

GANSTA SPEEDWAY MOTORCYCLE RIDIN’? YOU DECIDE! Motorcycle Emptiness SPEEDWAY IN WALES Andrew Weltch (Tempus Publishing Ltd)

I

n the cluttered world of motor sport the existence of Speedway is seen as attracting a somewhat acquired taste. Like its close relative, Motorcross racing, Speedway has gathered a reputation for appealing to those who cannot produce the funds to go racing with the sophisticated, highly modified machinery that's prevalent in motor sport. However despite its somewhat marginal attraction Speedway in Wales is an intriguing and highly detailed account of the sport in Wales from its sparse beginnings in 1928 to its current internationally revered reputation. The path of the book is largely chronological, detailing the Australian origins of the sport and the appeal of the relatively inexpensive pastime to those inhabitants of South Wales who feel the need to race motor bikes absent of any brakes.

Particularly interesting to those with a thirst for Speedway as well as those with a general interest in Welsh sport is the extremely in depth analysis of the LABYRINTH - CORRUPTION AND VICE IN THE L.A.P.D.: The truth behind the murders of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls.

Randall Sullivan (Canongate)

I

N March 1997 Frank Lyga, a white undercover police officer shot dead Kevin Gaines, a black off-duty police officer in self defence.

Detective Russell Poole was brought in to investigate the shooting - a case that would lead him to discover a huge web of corruption and deceit in the L.A.P.D and also establish solid links between the murders of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls and the infamous head of Death Row Records Marion 'Suge' Knight.

Though both the murders and the rise and fall of Death Row Records have been much discussed and documented (most notably by Nick Broomfield's recent documentary Biggie and Tupac) there hasn't previously been such an in depth study of the surrounding corruption, crime and cover-ups by the police.

Using a vast wealth of documentation gathered from Poole's own case files and

spread of the sport in Cardiff. The specific focus on the successes and failures of the Cardiff team is unparalleled in its detail and downright accessibility of the subject. Practically every turn of every wheel and break of every collar bone is covered, regarding the fortunes of the team as well as the sports residence in the city between 1928 and the recent world championships staged at the Millennium Stadium.

The battles between the Cardiff team and local rivals Bristol is especially intriguing. Aside from Cardiff the account of the development of the sport in the Valleys is equally thorough and universally readable, aided somewhat by fantastic rare photos that are undeniably interesting on their own. Combined with this are newspaper clippings, event posters and humorous Aussie-baiting cartoons regarding the British team's 1949 visit to the Southern Hemisphere.

Weltch can be forgiven for the decidedly narrative path of the book, as the sheer detail describing the weather and track conditions of virtually every meeting of the Welsh teams is riveting in its own right, and provides a sense of atmosphere as well as more than enough information.

Impressively the author avoids focusing too

interviews with some of the main characters involved in the case, former Rolling Stone writer Sullivan recounts a shocking but terribly compelling story of a hip hop rivalry started by greed which descended into gang warfare between the two main factions in LA - the Bloods and the Crips.

Starting with the Gaines killing Poole and Sullivan discover a police department filled with racial tension after the Rodney King riots and OJ Simpson trail. Many off duty black police officers were working for Death Row Records as "security". With a collection of bent cops in his pocket the label's boss Marion 'Suge' Knight was able to enjoy the life of a gangster whilst the prodigious talents on his record label (Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggy Dog and Tupac) made him millions. On the other side of the country Sean 'Puffy' Combs was nurturing the talent of former crack dealer Christopher 'Biggie

Smalls' Wallace, whose career rapidly skyrocketed with his fatefully titled debut album Ready to Die. As their career paths collided so the did the East/West rivalry, which would ultimately lead to their deaths.

Gripping and revealing LAbyrinth is a real eye opener into the seedy underbelly of the Los Angeles police department. Withheld evidence, intimidated witnesses and bribes litter the homicide department where corruption and incompetence have left the murder investigations unaswered.

Even with extremely compelling evidence, there still have been no actual convictions for the murders.

Heavily linked as mastermind behind both murders is Suge Knight, who was released from prison last year after being convicted on another charge.

Sullivan's style is both highly informative and easy to read.

All the main protagonists are introduced in detail so you can get a real feel of the complex

Miami Vice

excessively on Wales itself and in accounting the fortunes of the Welsh teams provides as great deal of information on teams outside of the Principality, providing a well-rounded illustration of British Speedway.

In a more specific frame Weltch provides numerous excellently detailed biographic account of the personalities involved throughout the sports history.

These include individuals with such comically heroic titles as 'Whirlwind' Ron Baker and 'Hurricane' Fred Hampson complete with details that stretch from an individual riders' meeting in a Cardiff hotel in April 1929 to the wedding of 1920's star Jack Luke at Llandaff Cathedral.

For those with a deep interest in the history of Welsh Speedway the chapter dedicated to Fred Williams, World Champion of 1950 and 1953, is a succinct and thorough account of the Welshman's illustrious career. Weltch has succeeded within the short space of this book to present a detailed and readable account of a sport that occupies little space in most book stores, making this a must for all enthusiasts of Speedway racing.

Jamie Robdanovich.

web that has been spun in these cases. Even if you know nothing about hip hop, the story is so compelling you find yourself being sucked into the big money world of the rappers almost instantly.

The spectre of the unresolved murders of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls still hangs heavy over the world of hip hop. The recent shooting of Run DMC founder Jam Master

Jay shows us that even after 5 years, some lessons still need to be learned by the people involved in the business.

As lawsuits against the LAPD are filed and the FBI investigate the actions of Suge Knight this real life LA Confidential is still an open case with many more twists to be taken. An excellent, unsettling and ultimately tragic story. Andy Parsons

TUPAC SHAKUR: attempting an impression of Groucho Marx. He was quite good, you know

HU - FUCKING - RAH. Obviously, J. K. Rowling reads gair rhydd, or GRiP in any case, because no sooner does a rant bemoaning the lack of Harry Potter number five appear on these pages, than we’re finally given a date for its publication!

If anyone’s still even remotely interested, it’ll be winging its way by owl post into stores on 21 June.

(Books apologises for its shocking language. We’re very sorry and it won’t happen again. Honestly, we’re as appalled as you are. Don’t know where it came from.)

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Four hours a week? Pah! Tune in here for your proper timetable, an essential guide to the next years’ mostly non-essential viewing.

What’s hot, what’s not and who should be shot the start of 2003

Future

The

Yet more disappointment rears its ugly head - Ricky Gervais has confirmed that there will be no third series of the glory that was The Office.

TV Amy has been wearing black all week in mourning about this tragic news. But have good cheer gentlemen, for there may be a Christmas special to look forward to.

Hurrah! So keep your square eyes open for that one.

Ignore everything we said about the reality TV genre above - the televisual treasure of 2003 looks set to be Channel 4’s Wife Swap. Hoo mama! If, like me, you’re an

incurable voyeur and like nothing more than bitching about the eejits that put themselves in the capricous hands of evil television producers, whose sole purpose is to make the helpless fooles appear as rude/racist/lazy/nasty as possible, then you’ll love this.

The premise goes thus: two wives swap families for two weeks, taking over the life of the previous woman in every way (except, luckily for one husband on the first episode, in the bedroom). In the first week, the wife must follow all the rules laid down by their new husband - but the tables are turned in the second week.

If the first episode is anything to go by - the white husband, a self-confessed racist, ended up wrapped around his new black wife’s finger, to the digust of his spectacularly surly eldest daughter - this will be the most talked about show of the year.

Sport will happen in 2003, too, but most of it will hold no

the American political system and MI5 machinations respectively, but the presence of Rob Lowe and Matthew Macfadyen also makes it easy to - as TV Amy has just delicately put it - “switch the brain off and the groin on”.

The gorgeous Coxy (for gorgeous, read untalented and bovine - a jealous TV Amy) will, unfortunately, have her inroads into the world of TV limited in 2003: her reality/fantasy game show Make My Day has returned, but with clueless erstwhile RI:SE (aka SH:IT) presenter Edith Bowman at the helm. It’s rather like a Beadle’s About for the 21st century, with unsuspecting, and usually stunningly blonde, people being set up for the weirdest day of their lives.

Yes, it’s as tacky as it

sounds and it looks set to get tackier as the year progresses. If you can put up with Bowman’s irritating Scots-inflected bounce, it promises to be essential Friday night viewing.

Oh, and Friends is going to return for yet another tediously drawn-out series, despite the elderliness of both jokes and cast members. Please, please, please: just fuck off, OK?

interest to those of us with brains. The exception, of course, will be the noble sport of tennis - the last major scene of one-on-one sporting battles (which are obviously so much better than that team sport nonsense). The Australian Open is taking place this week, and early predictions favouring Serena Williams and Lleyton Hewitt to take the trophies home has had to be swiftly revised after both were nearly unceremoniously booted out of the tournament in the opening round.

Meanwhile, the wondrous Anna Kournikova seems to have rediscovered a semblance of form: it’s entirely possible that her first longoverdue tournament win could come rather soon. Just as well, as fellow Russian Anastasia Myskina - owner of two titles and ranking of 11 has swiped the accolade of Most Gorgeous Woman On Tour from under her nose.

Oh, and remember the name Maria Sharapova: 15 years old, this Russian collector of shark’s teeth,

disser of La Kournikova (“I don’t want to be a loser like her”) - is destined for the top.

The shortlist for the Brit Awards 2003 has filtered through to TV Desk, too.

Passing swiftly over it - all that needs to be said is that it’s fucking awful, but Ms Dynamite should still win, like, everything - we predict that Kate “Too Orange To Live” Thornton will turn up in her usual brain-dead presenting capacity. Rumours also abound that Gwynnie P is set to present an award to her new boy toy Chris Martin, if or rather when the dad-rock whiners pick up whatever Dynamite’s not eligible for.

She’ll have competition, though: TV Desk fully intend to abduct the divine Mr Martin from her evil, macrobiotic dietfuelled clutches, and take him away to molest for all eternity.

He’ll love it, really he will.

An aside: Alastair Campbell remains the most gorgeous man alive. Do I have to make a prediction? OK, then: TV Desk will shag him this year. What, it has to be TV-related? I’ll video it.

I’m being threatened with the sack if I make any predictions about the god-like Ainslie, ex of Fame Academy. But sod it - Alex ain’t the boss of me and besides, hormones can’t be tamed. And he should know that. Aaaanyway - TV Amy confidently predicts a huge number one hit for the Scottish sweetie, followed by grainy pictures in the Daily Star showing him taking advantage of Jordan’s open-legs policy.

Oh, and then his own TV show, leading to a Des O’ Connor stylee career. Oh yes.

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Of TV2003

Television

the words “no one’s coming seeing my dogs, daughter or the crack of my ass - forget it”, La Love has given a rock’n’roll middle finger to the genre of vulgar tackiness which gave us, amongst other things, that group of pikey bints currently at number one.

So dull that their name escapes me right now, they’re really only notable for being the sort of people who get arrested for, um, brawling in nightclub toilets.

Common as muck, as my grandmother would say, and racist with it. TV Desk predicts another rash (rash being the operative word for

this social disease) of Popstars-style programmes, churning out an army of pram-faced council bints to an evermore apathetic audience.

Yes, that’s you.

No, the future of pop lies not in such scum, but in Russian schoolgirl pseudolesbians doing their marvellously pervy thang all over CD:UK. Yes, T.A.T.U are coming (as it were), and will hopefully spark off the primary school activity of the year. And the Daily Hell’s already up in arms, a sure sign that they’ll be huge.

Having said that, they’re frankly as lesbian as, well, moi.

On to more edifying matters, 2003 will see the dual cerebral assault of The West Wing and Spooks.

Both of these programmes are intelligent, tense and accessible examinations of

predictions

Like small children pretending to have a lifethreatening cold to get off PE (or indeed Sports Desk), TV Alex and TV Amy are skiving off their TV previewing duties to worship at the altar of the divine goddess of piano-bashing angst rock, Tori Amos, in London. So here, instead of the first fortnight’s picks, are their predictions for TV greatness in the year of Our Lord 2003.

First off, TV Desk is disappointed to report that we’ve been denied the televisual treat of Courtney Love’s own Osbournesesque reality TV show. With

the end of 2003

elevision

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Monday 20 January BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders in the Sun 11.30 House Invaders in the Sun 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter A team of huskies race into the studio.

And maul the presenters.

5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

7.00 Holiday 7.30 The Biz Series following new businesses through their first year. This should include local genius Ivor Beynon and his ridiculous heavy metal kareoke concept band.

8.00 EastEnders Natalie cracks under the pressure. As you would, choosing between Ricky (doofus) and Barry (goon) 9.00 Merseybeat 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather.

11.20 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 11.50 Liquid News 12.20 FILM: Where's the Money, Noreen?

9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Binka 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 English Express 11.10 BBC Primary History 11.30 The Experimenter 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 Trade Secrets 1.40 FILM: Suspicion 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air The replacement Aunt Viv sucks, but this is still comedy gold 6.45 Farscape 7.30 The Winter Flying Gardener 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With Gordon Haskell, Mikey Craig, June Sarpong and singer-songwriter Tom McRae. And no jokes.

9.30 Shooting Stars This was never funny. Why is it on?

10.00 The Kumars 10.30 Newsnight With Kirsty Wark.

11.20 Trouble at the Top: 12.00 Porridge 12.30 BBC Learning Zone Needs:

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...?

Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline: 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street For a character in Corrie, murderer Richard is pretty amazing 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Unconditional Love 11.00 ITV News at Ten (sic) 11.30 The Premiership on Monday Ignore this...

12.30 Football League Extra ...But watch this because it’s pleasantly unglamourous. as football should be.1.10 Ghost Stories 1.35 Wish You Were Here...? 2.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.50 Antiques Trail 3.15 Entertainment Now! This is great - self indulgent bitter nomarks slagging down celebrities on a program no-one watches.

This is what TV should be about, people.

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders in the Sun 11.30 House Invaders in the Sun 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.50 Cavegirl 5.00 Face at the Window 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Summer falls in a man-trap. In an ideal world.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 The King, the Kaiser and the Tsar 11.35 FILM: The Day of the Jackal Boring sounding political shit about assassinating Charles De Gaulle, exisiting so pot-smokers can pretend they watched it and use it in pseudointellectual conversations.

9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Little Robots 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Starship 11.10 BBC Primary History 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Let's Write a Story 1.15 Watch 1.30 Afoot Again in the Past 1.40 Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman 2.25 am.pm 3.20 News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP2 With Bros, Dollar and Ian Dury. All shit.

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Clarissa and the Countryman 8.00 Crooked Britain 8.30 Wrong Car, Right Car The right car being, of course, the one paying BBC2 to screen it lovingly touring the highway.

The wrong car being the one you currently own.

9.00 Collision Course 10.00 Happiness Fat chance.

10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Trouble at the Top 12.00 Porridge

Film:Dances With Wolves

S4C 8.00.pm

Coronation Street ITV1 7.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight OK - you’re a cunt. 9.30 Schools 12.00 Montel 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks Piss 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Buried 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 Shackleton 2.05 Henry VIII 4.00 Schools These space-filling lines are a wonderful tradition. Obviously you care a lot about the livelihoods of us people who scribble these hilarious comments all over your tv guide, so here is some more space-filling while I talk about ME a lot and drivel on about everything except the televisions progammes listed above. Wow!

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 Floyd Uncorked 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser This is one of the many programs which include dangerously easy viewers questions along the lines of “what letter comes after “A”? 2.25 FILM: Columbo: A Stitch in Crime Pun-tastic! 3.45 FILM: Danielle Steel's A Perfect Stranger 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 7.00 Inside Road to the Super Bowl 8.00 FILM: Close Encounters of the Third Kind 10.35 FILM: Midnight Express With Brad Davis and Irene Miracle. 12.55 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing Probably nowhere near as exciting as this overenthsiastic title suggests 1.50 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix.

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel...and more filth from the bargain bin of celebritydom 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! What the fuck is this? 3.50 Hey Arnold! 4.15 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline: 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; 7.00 Emmerdale Paddy and Emily have their work cut out nursing a sick pig and caring for their wayward foster child. Note how the pig takes priority here.

7.30 The Ferret 8.00 FILM: The World Is Not Enough Slimey misogynist James Bond returns to fuck more exotic girls under the guise of being a secret agent. Hence, national institution.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 FILM: The World Is Not Enough And nor is two hours to complete the job. Whattaman!

10.55 Girls Behaving Badly 11.55 FILM: Sweet Nothing 1.35 Trisha 2.30 World Sport 2.55 Football League Extra 3.30 World Football 4.00 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Dinosaur Hunters 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy Tarts.

6.00 Hollyoaks Piss.

6.30 Slaymaker Gary 7.00 Wedi 7 News 7.30 Newyddion News.

8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio Holiday magazine series. Featuring a working holiday in Snowdonia. Wahey!

I’m off to Lunn Poly!

9.00 Amdani 9.55 Property Ladder 10.55 Whatever Happened to the Slimmers of the Year?

Documentary catching up with former slimming heroes, including Jean, whose husband ran off with a fatter woman. Bad luck, loser!

11.55 V Graham Norton 12.25 The Battle of Hood and Bismarck 1.55 Glenn Miller's Last Flight This man is responsible for one of the most offensivly shit piece of music ever produced, namely, “In The Mood”. Evidently the pilot of Glenn’s plane wasn’t. 2.55 Jungle Janes 4.00 Schools It’s worth noting at this space-filling point that the album God Hates Us All by Slayer is amazing.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 Floyd Uncorked five’s schedulers evidently onto a winner by following two hours of early morning children’s television with Keith Floyd gabbing about wine10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI .What a legend.12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: The Most Dangerous Match 3.40 FILM: The Wild, Wild West Revisited 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Inside Road to the Super Bowl 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: Dances with Wolves Kevin Costner plays a sensitive unshaven Oscar winner who bums around a campfire with some pointless Indians. BORING. 11.25 FILM: Breathless 1.20 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.10 NHL Ice Hockey: Brace yourselves... it’s the Toronto Maple Leafs v Philadelphia Flyers. 5.05 NHL Ice Hockey Replay Featuring the Omaha Slack-Jawed Hicks v Cincinnati Chicken Fuckers.

Tuesday 21 January

15

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Wednesday 22 January BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders in the Sun 11.30 House Invaders in the Sun 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun It’s a one-way trip, baby. 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 X-periMENTAL 4.35 Fairly Odd Parents 5.00 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround Extra 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News News. 6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

7.00 Children's Hospital 7.30 Kenyon Confronts: The Gravy Train 8.00 Weakest Link Special 8.50 The National Lottery 9.00 The Life of Mammals: Life in the Trees Meant to be absolutely amazing. The ads look pgood too. Never seen it though, ‘cause I’m always piggin’ here.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Story of Welsh with Huw Edwards 11.05 Force 10 Rescue 12.05 FILM: Determination of Death 1.45 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2.30 The Life of Mammals 3.30 Kids on Top 4.00 Sign Zone: DIY SOS 4.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Building by Numbers 6.30 The Spiral of Silence 7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 Dennis the Menace 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Rubbadubbers 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Pingu 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 am.pm 1.00 Lifeline 1.10 Sn**ker 5.15 Weakest Link 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: Tyneside Bill 8.00 HomeFront 9.00 The Forgotten Battlefield 9.50 Jeremy Clarkson Meets the Neighbours: France Britain burns its diplomatic bridges in Europe by sending arch-phallus Jeremy Clarkson to bait confused Brittany cheese makers. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Murder 12.10 Stella Street 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: What Is Religion? 1.00 Looking for Hinduism in Calcutta 1.30 Wallace in Wales 2.00 Secondary Schools - Special Needs: Go for It! 4.00 Languages: France Inside Out 5.00 Working in the Arts: Team Leadership and Business Skills

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...?

Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 Horrible Histories 4.15 Pongwiffy 4.30 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Is this a show or merely a typing error? Have fun finding out by watching ITV1 at 8 tonight. 9.00 Footballers' Wives 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Essex Wives Documentary series about the glamorous, grown-up counterparts to Essex girls, whose glossy exterior allegedly hides a steely will. Making derisive comments on this kind of prolefodder is like shooting fish in a barrel so I’ll leave room for you to fill in your own hategush below: .................................................... ....................................................

11.30 Classy Acts 12.30 Doomsday Virus 2.05 Today with Des and Mel 2.50 Trisha 3.45 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders in the Sun 11.30 House Invaders in the Sun 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.50 Cavegirl A child is abducted at birth and left to grow up isolated and alone in a cave. 5.00 Face at the Window 5.25 Newsround 5.35 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 DIY SOS Home Improvement 8.30 Rogue Traders: Gas Fitters 9.00 Trust 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 This Week 12.25 FILM: All the President's Men Erotic drama based on the Washington Post's investigation of the Watergate break-in and subsequent scandal. 2.40 Watchdog 3.10 News 24

6.00 Open University: The Rainbow 6.30 Refining the View 7.00 UBOS 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 SMart on the Road 8.00 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Andy Pandy 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Maths Challenge 10.50 Bobinogs 11.05 Made in Wales 11.20 Landmark Shorts 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Sn**ker 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 The Treasure House 8.00 Weird Nature: Bizarre Breeding 8.30 Tony and Giorgio 9.00 Horizon 9.50 Easy Money 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Snooker 12.35 Personal Passions 12.55 Cell City 1.30 After the Genome 2.20 Ever Wondered? 2.30 Uncertain Principles 3.00 A Thread of Quicksilver 3.30 Aim Higher 4.00 French Journey 5.00 Working in the Arts

FILM: Get Carter five 10.00pm

FILM: Hamlet S4C 1.15am

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations Documentary examining the role Bristol Dicot Parkway’s platform 2 played in the downfall of Hitler’s Operation Sealion. 2.45 Fifteen to One This is a load of spaff isn’t it?

Tell you what, check out Takeshi’s Castle on the Challenge channel. It’s generally on at about 7pm and it’s proper bo in the highest sense. It’s like Double Dare but with suicidal Japanese. 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 News 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Jara 9.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 9.30 Cwmni Drwg: Y Dewin Du 10.00 Brookside 11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 The American Music Awards 2003 1.15 FILM: Hamlet With Kenneth Branagh and Julie Christie. (Drama, 1996) Brooding cigar-based tragedy.

6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 Floyd Uncorked 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: Double Shock 3.40 FILM: More Wild Wild West 5.30 five 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Inside Road to the Super Bowl 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: The Last Action Hero 10.20 FILM: Stir Crazy With Gene Wilder. Manic comedy in which two losers from New York are wrongly convicted of a bank robbery and are given 120-year jail terms.

12.35 NHL Ice Hockey: Washington Capitals v Carolina Hurricanes With commentary from James A. Fleck and The Horse. 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay With stoned, increasingly off-thepoint commentary from James A. Fleck and The Horse, lying on the floor and weeping. 5.35 Fastrax

ITV 1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel My dad looks like Des O’Connor and my mum looks like Judy Finnegan. Can you imagine what would happen if they had a baby? 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Country Lives 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 MaryKate and Ashley in Action!

4.15 Bounty Hamster This sounds incredible! Bounty Hampster? The mind boggles.

4.30 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Serious and Organised 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Tarrant on TV 11.00 Grounded for Life Sitcom. Ian Grounded is grounded by his mother... who then suddenly dies. Thirty years on, his sentence still stands. Stars David Spade.

11.30 Grounded for Life 12.00 Night and Day 12.55 Now and Again 1.40 The Machine 2.10 Chris Rea in Profile 2.35 Cybernet 3.00 Trisha 3.55 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs Teen soap following the lives of six hobos. ‘Coffeehouse Cockshow’: Rudy is in trouble for exposing himself to a waitress. Sandy considers going to college, but Street’s offer of half a sausage roll makes her think twice. 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Diet Another Day Robbie Coltrane Bond spin-off. Epsiode Four: Throatfinger. 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Popty Pop Isn’t the Welsh language jaunty? Popty popty popty pop.

7.00 Wedi Wibbly. 7 7.30 Newyddion Niffly wiffly woo woo. 8.00 Pobol y Cwm Pobble obble obble. 8.25 Penwythnos Pws Dewi `Pws' 9.00 I'r Gad: Hanes Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg 1963-2003 10.00 Slaymaker 10.30 No Going Back TV Desk is forcibly exiled by the Welsh Assembly for claims that their language is ‘jaunty’. 11.30 Frasier 12.00 V Graham Norton 12.30 Alias Do you remember Alias the Jester?

I do. 1.25 Autosport International 1.55 FILM: Storm Over the Nile 3.45 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy Noddy runs for the position of mayor of Toytown, but has reckoned without Ms Pink Cat’s sexual overtures. 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 Floyd Uncorked 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: Lovely but Lethal 3.40 FILM: Bonanza: The Next Generation 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Inside Road to the Super Bowl 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: Wild Wild West 10.00 FILM: Get Carter Hard-hitting British thriller about a London villain who sets out to avenge the death of his brother. Using ruthless methods, Ian Carter unearths a sordid conspiracy involving drugs, gambling and porn. 12.10 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.50 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v Vitesse Arnhem 2.20 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v San Lorenzo 4.00 Argentinian Football: River Plate v Racing Club 5.35 Motorsport Mundial It’s sundial, you idiots.

Thursday 23 January

Television

BBC 1

elevision

GRiP

16

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Friday 24 January BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 House Invaders in the Sun 11.30 Dash for Cash 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Arthur 3.55 ChuckleVision 4.10 New Scooby Doo Mysteries Show 4.35 The Ghost Hunter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops Pete Waterman’s new band, Bog Standard Unit Shifters, sing their new hit “Love You Like A Mountain Stream”.

8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Two Thousand Acres of Sky Bloody hell, who gave this a second series? Madness...

9.30 They Think It's All Over 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Class of '58 About Rock n’Roll. Expect quiffs to feature.

11.10 Patrick Kielty Almost Live And almost funny...

11.45 It's Only TV but I Like It 12.15 Boxing 1.50 When Tennis Ruled the World 2.50 Australian Open Tennis: Women's Final 4.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Hidden Visions 6.30 Lifelines 7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 Dennis the Menace 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Science Zone 10.40 Megamaths 11.00 Look and Read 11.20 Social Inclusion Dramas 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Snooker 5.15 Weakest Link With Ann “Bollock-twister” Robinson.

6.00 The Simpsons Legend!

6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air It’s come to my attention that this has the worst song ever as a theme tune.

6.45 Scrum V Live: Swansea v Cardiff Ooh the rivalry! Ooh the drama! Oh sorry, I thought this was football and not homoerotic soft porn.

9.00 Timewatch 9.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks Fat-arse!

10.00 dinnerladies 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Snooker 12.45 Taken 2.10 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: Revisewise at School

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...?

Today 2.30 Wish You Were Here...? 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 As Told

by Ginger 4.10 How II 4.30 Lan Jam 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Murders aplenty apparently. My good friend Butch was moved to tears. And he’s Northern...

8.00 Tonight with Trevor Arrgh!!! News for the stupid...

8.30 Midsomer Murders 10.30 Clublife Welsh programming nonsense about a club in the valleys. Yawn....

11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.30 Shotgun Slideshow New bands type show. With Cardiff boys Zabrinski. Ace. 12.00 FILM: Heartbreak Ridge 2.20 Veronica's Closet 2.50 Entertainment Now! 3.20 Today with Des and Mel 4.10 World Football 4.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 CBBC: Rotten Ralph 6.10 Albert the 5th Musketeer 6.35 Chucklewood Critters 7.00 Smurfs' Adventures 7.20 Arthur 7.50 Looney Tunes 8.10 Yvon of the Yukon 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.10 Australian Open Tennis 2.20 Boxing 2.30 Rugby Union 4.30 Wales on Saturday 5.30 BBC News 5.45 Wales Today 5.50 Friends like These 6.45 Only Fools and Horses The Xmas special from yonks ago. *Sound of licence fee being turned into white powder and snorted off Anna Ford’s titties*.7.45 The National Lottery: Jet Set 8.20 Casualty 9.10 Murder in Mind: Echoes 10.10 BBC News 10.30 Match of the Day 11.45 FILM: Dead in a Heartbeat 1.20 They Think It's All Over 1.50 A Question of Sport 2.20 Top of the Pops 2.50 Australian Open Tennis: Men's Final

6.00 Weekend 24 9.05 HARDtalk 9.30 Conspiracies 10.00 Saturday Kitchen Live 11.30 Kitchen Invaders 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Full Circle with Michael Palin 1.35 Snooker 4.30 Watching the Detectives: Columbo 6.00 Snooker 9.10 Taken Haven’t seen this so no idea. Spielburg though, could go either way...like Tristan, I’ve heard. Only kidding...

10.35 Live Floor Show 11.25 Flesh and Blood 11.35 Snooker Highlights 12.35 Flesh and Blood 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision Christ, just seen what Alex has written for the front page. I would like to point out that here at TV desk we generally think that Alistair Campbell is a fat-necked bully who, most cuntingly, is friends with Alex Ferguson. Courtney Love is talentless bint with so little talent that she’s got Pink’s songwriter to write her new album. “It’s just like a pill/ Kept making me ill/ Then I did smack/ And kept showing my crack”

Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway ITV1 7.10pm

Shotgun Slideshow ITV1 11.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Windsors 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 6.30 Jara 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Gwyllt 8.30 Pobol y Cwm Something about Rugby in this episode of Welsh soap. Christ d’ya wanna run any more stereotypes into the ground? The Welsh aren’t even any good at egg-tossing.

Why not footie instead? How about a Welsh version of Dream Team ?

9.00 Y Set 9.30 Wife Swap Sounds helluva concept. If mad.

10.30 Sex and the City 11.10 V Graham Norton 12.10 World Rally 12.40 Make My Day 1.10 Born Sloppy 1.55 Top Ten: 80s Soul 3.25 Skiing on 4: Nordic Combined World Cup A while ago comments were attributed to me about handjobs. I would like to deny that I made any such remarks..

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 Floyd Uncorked 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: Double Exposure 3.40 FILM: Stormy Weathers 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Inside Road to the Super Bowl American Football?

Primetime? Sound of barrel being scraped, methinketh. Not even a proper sport.

7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: Star Trek VI: the Undiscovered Country 10.10 FILM: Coma 12.25 FILM: Can You Keep It Up for a Week? 2.00 FILM: Love's Dark Side 3.35 Oceania 4.00 The Love Boat 4.50 Monsters 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.05 HTV News and Weather 1.10 On the Ball 2.00 Crossroads Omnibus 4.05 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 5.05 HTV News and Weather 5.25 ITV News 5.40 New You've Been Framed!

6.10 Blind Date 7.10 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway Cheeky Geordie chappies, possibly wizzed-up to their eyeballs, present this hotch-potch of a show. Not the dizzy heights of SMTV. 8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Reject capitalist values by taking a tramp down the pub during the duration of this show. Pay said hobo to kill Tarrant. Go home, shower, and have a big wank to Newsnight.

Subversion, ladeez and gents.

9.10 Taggart 11.10 ITV Weekend News 11.25 FILM: Disclosure 1.35 FILM: Calendar Girl 3.05 CD:UK 4.00 Entertainment Now! 4.30 Cybernet 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Quotes from the GR orifice. “You have bum love!” “You were caught watching gay porn?!!” “Any gay porn on channel 5?” “Mine was massive..”

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Skiing on 4: Snowboarding and Freestyle World Cup 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Skiing on 4: The Alpine World Cup 12.00 FILM: The Blue Lamp 1.25 Channel 4 attheraces from Cheltenham and Doncaster 3.55 Napoleon 5.00 Newyddion News.

5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi 7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.30 Penwythnos Pws Dewi 8.00 Noson No idea. Could find the original listing but I can’t be arsed. I’m not gonna watch it anyway...

9.00 I'r Gad: Hanes Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg 1963-2003 10.00 FILM: Tea with Mussolini S’posed to be good.

Cher’s in it though.

12.10 Without Prejudice?

Game show, probably crap.

1.10 World Rally 1.40 FILM: Freeway 3.55 FILM: The Black Tent Christ, more space to fill.

My football predictions for 2003: Bristol City to go up clinging to Wigan’s laces. Rovers to go down. Arsenal to win the Prem.

Tottenham to do nowt. Shearer to say something interesting.

Lee Bowyer to have a black kid.

Glenn Hoddle to donate his wages to disabled children.

Darren Anderton to stay fit for four days in row.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.25 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Beast Wars 11.00 Xena: Warrior Princess 11.55 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 12.50 Popular 1.45 Harry and Cosh 2.15 Cleopatra 2525 2.40 The Smash Hits Chart 3.10 Home and Away Omnibus 5.15 FILM: A Night on the Town With Riath can be very dangerous; hide your tea-towels and balsamic vinegar....

7.05 Charmed I’m sure. Thank you. You really are a polite young man. Up ya cunter missus!!

7.55 Dark Angel 8.45 five news 9.10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.10 FILM: Family of Cops III 11.55 FILM: Between Love and Hate Battle royale of ying/yang proportions. What the fuzz am I on about? Shouldn’t have smoked all that crack before writing this.

1.40 FILM: Dead by Sunset 3.55 Monsters 4.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.30 First Wave 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

Saturday 25 January

17

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Sunday 26 January BBC 2

ITV 1

9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 TV Mail 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 BBC News 12.05 Keeping Up Appearances 12.35 Parkinson 12.50 Match of the Day Live: Manchester United v West Ham 3.00 EastEnders Omnibus = more Paul Trueman = YES. 4.50 Fawlty Towers 5.20 BBC News; Weather 5.40 Regional News and Weather 5.45 Last of the Summer Wine One of the worst things to ever happen to this fine island. And not just in terms of television 6.15 Match of the Day Live: Shrewsbury Town v Chelsea I always root for the underdog 8.30 The Lost Prince 10.00 BBC News 10.15 Panorama: 11.00 FILM: In Dreams Film about a mad woman who has dreams about children being kidnapped and then... her own child is taken away. Tasteless jokes about possible suspects could follow. But won’t.12.40 FILM: The Three Lives of Karen Film about, if you can believe this, a woman who just before her wedding day conveniently remembers she already has a husband and children. Starring Karen O from the fuck-awful Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

6.00 Weekend 24 7.00 CBBC: Arthur 7.15 Looney Tunes 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.00 Smile 10.35 Serious Jungle 11.00 Ed Stone Is Dead Starring everyone’s least favourite motherfucker, Richard Blackwood 11.25 Robot Wars: The Sixth Wars Geeks! 12.10 Natural World 1.00 Wildlife on Two 1.30 Sn**ker 5.05 Holocaust Memorial Day: Songs of Praise Hands up who wants to remember the holocaust by singing about it in a church?

5.45 Scrum V Graham 6.25 Natural World: Highgrove: 7.15 Wild Scotland 7.25 Sn**ker 10.00 Seven Ways to Topple Saddam 1> poke him with a stick, 2> slap him with a broom 3> stick forks in his eyes 4> set fire to his preposturous ‘tache 5> put live snakes in his beret 6> axe him 7> make him watch a Songs of Praise special about The Holocaust and say “THIS might happen in fifty years” 11.00 Holocaust Memorial Day Atomic Kitten and One True Voice perform “hits of the holocaust” from Pebble Mill.

11.45 FILM: Bedrooms and Hallways Inplausible sounding homosexual love story made better by the fact one of them is Irish and they meet in a selfhelp group.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Story Keepers 9.55 The Angry Beavers Humourless shit America fobs off on kids these days 10.20 Miffy and Friends 10.30 Maisy 10.50 Engie Benjy 11.00 The Village People Documentary about an aging, camp disco band and as they try to become joint mayor of a distict in Dorset 11.30 My Favourite Hymns 12.30 Waterfront 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 1.55 HTV News and Weather 2.00 That's Esther 2.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 3.35 Nash Bridges 4.30 HTV News and Weather 4.45 FILM: Father of the Bride 6.40 ITV News; Weather 7.00 My Uncle Silas Starring a certain person as Kind Uncle Silas 7.30 Coronation Street Richard begins to crack at the thought of his evil crimes. Pull yourself together man, you only killed a hairdresser!

8.00 The Royal Nostalgic 9.00 State of Mind 10.35 ITV 10.45 The South Bank Show Awards New Found Glory to win best album! In an ideal world. But they’ll be hip and give it to someone “cool” like Ms Dynamite 12.00 John Meets Paul: 12.30 Faith and Music 1.00 FILM: Interceptor. 2.35 Trisha

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 The Afternoon Play: Turkish Delight 3.05 Big Screen Britain 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X-Ray In which the presenters tie up lawyers and keep them locked in the back of a van. True story 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Ground Force 9.00 Merseybeat 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Jasper Carrott Trial 11.05 999 How to cope with situations you’ll NEVER find yourself in 11.45 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 12.15 The Flying Conman 12.40 Liquid News 1.15 FILM: Legalese

10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 English Express 11.10 BBC Primary History 11.30 The Experimenter 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 FA Cup Draw 1.35 Holocaust Memorial Day: FILM: The Island on Bird Street 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Farscape 7.30 The Winter Flying Gardener 8.00 University Challenge Yes, you are thick as shit in comparison 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Shooting Stars 10.00 The Kumars at No 42 h 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Hunt for Britain's Paedophiles The follow up to The Hunt For the Red October 12.00 Daniel Barenboim: Profile Yeah, him.

BeetleJuice ITV1 12.05pm

S4C

five

6.00 The Hoobs 6.25 The Hoobs 6.50 Blue's Clues 7.15 Investigators 7.40 Johnny Bravo 8.10 City Guys 8.35 Wannabes 9.05 FILM: Born Free 10.50 Dawson's Creek Still shit after all these years...

11.40 Stargate SG-1 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 The Salon: Reappointment 3.00 Will and Grace 3.25 Maniffesto 4.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion News.

5.35 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf Weekly arts .

8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol Translates as “Sunday Bloody Sunday. Hooray!”

8.30 Cefn Gwlad 9.00 Amdani 9.55 Newyddion News.

10.10 FILM: As Good As It Gets No, other films are better.

12.40 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 1.40 World Rally: Monte Carlo 2.10 FILM: Tales From the Crypt Hilariously camp horror thrills in a classic style starring good king Drac, Peter Cushing going “mwahaha” a lot. Almost guaranteed to be your stereotypical spooky castles and fork lightning fest.

6.00 WideWorld 6.25 Miracles of Faith 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Babar 9.25 George Shrinks 9.55 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams 10.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.25 Revelations 12.00 Park Life 12.30 The Smash Hits Chart 1.00 five news update 1.10 Charmed 2.05 FILM: Dogmatic 3.55 FILM: Rio Lobo 6.00 five news and sport 6.20 FILM: The Witches The Roald Dahl book as a film.

8.00 Monkey Magic 8.30 Dumber and Dumber Hilarious home video mishaps presented by Tommy “badass” Vance. Crap 9.00 FILM: The Last Boy Scout Starring Bruce Willis. No more references to a certain person please.

11.05 NFL Super Bowl Live OR whats wrong with America.

Even more homo-erotic than rugby, even less exciting than Ice Hockey.

3.00 Argentinian Football 4.30 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix

ITV 1

S4C

five

ITV on a Monday. What a whack of shit...6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel shit 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? shit in the sun Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 As Told

by Ginger Incredibly shit American cartoon which screams “Hey Arnold but worse” 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads Revamped shit in a hotel 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 State of Mind 10.30 ITV News at Ten... thirty. idiots. 11.00 Winton's Children 12.05 FILM: Beetlejuice Overrated comedy horror bullshit directed by preposturously overrated Tim Burton. 1.35 Football League Extra 2.15 Wish You Were Here...? 2.40 Today with Des and Mel 3.30 Antiques Trail 3.55 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.20 Entertainment Now! The follow up to Apocalypse Now!

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Montel 12.30 Planed Plant 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One William G Stewart is a condescenting cunt to ALL his contestants, even the walking corpses and deaf old bints.

Thus, legend. 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 News 7.30 Newyddion News.

8.00 Cefn Gwlad 8.30 Ffermio Weekly 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Buried 11.35 V Graham Norton Graham Norton 12.05 Torso in the Thames Suspiciously, no information given about this. So it COULD be an hour of live CCTV footage of various people being sliced and dismembered on the south bank. Or another of Channel 4’s incredibly serious (and hence, boring) documentaries which are dangerously high doses of good intentions 1.05 Royal Deaths and Diseases 2.05 FILM: Appointment in London

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 Floyd Uncorked 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Columbo: Publish or Perish 3.40 FILM: An Unexpected Family Oops. A WHOLE family.

5.30 five news Charlie Stayt.

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 World's Greatest Tunnels 8.30 Weapons of World War II: 9.00 FILM: Tango and Cash 11.00 The Honey Trap 11.35 outTHERE 12.05 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 1.00 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 2.30 Motorsport Mundial Tonight on five is simply stunning. Just look: World’s Greatest Tunnels, followed by five’s weekly fix of belated World War Two propaganda.

Then fucking Tango and Cash commemerating the millionth showing on terrestrial TV. And you’ll be dying to know The Honey Trap is a relality game show set in Ibiza. It’s been a pleasure just typing it up.

And at point, I’d like to remind you that God Hates Us All by Slayer is an immense album.

Monday 27 January

Television

BBC 1

Dumber and Dumber five 8.30pm

elevision

GRiP

18

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Tuesday 28 January BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 The Afternoon Play: Coming up for Air 3.05 Big Screen Britain 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker That’s ‘Beakface’ to her mates. 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.50 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround Africa Week The trio of upper-middle class twits tour Africa, patronising the locals and forcing children to touch their hair under the pretence that doing so will prevent river blindness. 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Red Cap 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Rail 11.15 Shining Lights: Sugartown Film-maker Sara Sugarman's impressionistic account of her first few weeks in Hollywood.

11.45 Boxing Highlights 1.20 Sign Zone: Home Front 2.20 Sign Zone: Horizon 3.10 Sign Zone: Private Life of a Masterpiece 4.00 News 24

6.00 The Myth of Medea 6.30 Myth and Music 7.00 UBOS 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 SMart on the Road 8.00 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.50 Sheeep 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Little Robots 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Starship 11.10 BBC Primary History 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Let's Write a Story 1.15 Watch 1.30 Looking Good Tricks 1.40 Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman 2.25 am.pm 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 FAW Premier Cup Live: Newport County v Swansea City Kick-off at 6.55. 9.00 Crackhouse 10.00 Happiness 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Hunt for Britain's Paedophiles12.00 Matthew Bourne: Profile 12.30 Open University: Wide Sargasso Sea - Real and Imaginary Islands 1.00 Picturing the Genders 1.30 Off with the Mask: TV in the 60s 2.00 Geography - World 2000 4.00 Languages: Spain Inside Out 5 5.00 Working in the Arts

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...?

Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 Hey Arnold! 4.15 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 FILM: You Only Live Twice With Sean Connery. This is the one set in space with Jaws... quite good but uber uber camp. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.35 Girls Behaving Badly Inexcusable porn as ITV charts the successes of ladies in the glamour industry. What’s so glamorous about having your face coated with thick glutinous ropes of stale come sprayed from the twitching phallus of a heavily bearded ex-bouncer?

Perhaps some people have lower standards than I do. 11.40 FILM: Two Girls and a Guy This, on the other hand, meets my standards admirably. 1.10 Trisha 2.05 Ghost Stories 2.30 World Sport 2.55 Football League Extra 3.30 World Football 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.30 The Afternoon Play: The Real Arnie Griffin 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 X-periMENTAL 4.35 Fairly Odd Parents 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Children's Hospital 7.30 Kenyon Confronts: Open to Abuse 8.00 Weakest Link Special 8.50 The National Lottery 9.00 The Life of Mammals: Social Climbers 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Story of Welsh with Huw Edwards 11.05 The Bee Gees: A Tribute 11.45 FILM: Marvin's Room 1.30 The Life of Mammals 2.30 Rail Cops 3.10 Missing Danielle 3.55 Sign Zone: DIY SOS 4.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Bobigny Trial 6.30 Two Religions: Two Communities 7.00 UBOS 7.20 Dennis the Menace 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Rubbadubbers 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Pingu 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 am.pm 1.00 Taxi 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: The Ex-Mrs Bradford 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: TNG 7.30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: Norfolk Broads 8.00 HomeFront 9.00 Witchcraze 10.00 Marion and Geoff Watch this! 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 FAW Premier Cup 11.50 Correspondent: Suing the Pope Update 12.00 Mark-Anthony Turnage 12.30 The Copulation Explosion 1.00 Getting It Right 1.30 Rothko: The Seagram Murals 5.00 Working in the Arts

Monkey S4C 1.00am

FILM: The Poseidon Adventure S4C 12.25am

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Slaymaker 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio 9.00 Amdani Undoubtedly erotic drama about an all-girl rugby team. Beryl's need to be a mother ends in a showdown with Sian... a sexy showdown.

9.55 Property Ladder 10.55 Girls Who Shop Documentary investigating the psychology of shopping, through the eyes of women who have made shopping an art form. Let’s hope this involves actually removing the eyes of the worm-brained collagen-enhanced social parasites involved. 11.55 V Graham Norton 12.25 FILM: The Poseidon Adventure With Gene Hackman. Gene Hackman defends a small town from a terrorising shark. 2.35 Jungle Janes 4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie No-holdsbarred look at playground bullying. 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Columbo: Mind over Mayhem 3.40 FILM: Passion's Way 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 Crime and Punishment: People v Dailey 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.50 Boomtown 10.45 God Almighty Clive Anderson presents a chat show in which he talks to his guests in his own inimitable style about the big issues. 11.20 Dumber and Dumber Not the film, mind.

11.50 Boxing: Fight of the Furymen 12.40 NHL Ice Hockey Update 1.20 NHL Ice Hockey

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...?

Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 Horrible Histories 4.15 Pongwiffy 4.30 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Footballers' Wives 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 11.00 The Premiership Gabby Logan and Robbie Earle take a look at the evening's Premiership action. The main game sees leaders Arsenal travelling to Anfield to face Liverpool, plus West Ham v Blackburn.

11.30 Classy Acts Performances from a variety of entertainers, recorded live at Cwmfelin Social Club in Swansea and hosted by John Parton. Acts have been chosen by entertainment agent Paul Bridson. Must watch this. 12.30 Doomsday Virus 2.05 Today with Des and Mel 2.55 Trisha 3.45 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd Misspelt educational fare. 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm It is sausage and cider night at the rugby club, but Sheryl prefers a pizza with Darren.

This is actually what happens in tonight’s episode. 8.25 Jara Teenage drama series. 9.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 9.30 Cwmni Drwg: Ronnie Harries Drama documentary telling the story of Ronnie Harries from Pendine, who murdered his aunt and uncle in 1953 and buried their bodies in a field of kale. What is kale, pray? Someone Welsh write in and tell me. 10.00 Brookside 11.30 V Graham Norton 12.05 Football Wives: 50 Years of Soccer Romance 1.00 Monkey Business news round-up presented by a trained ape in a suit jacket but, crucially, no trousers. 2.00 Three's a Crowd 2.55 Aqua Girl Aquagirl? Getouttahere!

3.50 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup Skiing in cars? Shutyamouth!

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Columbo: Playback 3.50 FILM: Another Woman's Husband 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 Auschwitz Documentary on the small Polish town that became home to the notorious World War II concentration camp where millions of Jews were exterminated.

9.00 FILM: Tightrope With Clint Eastwood and Genevieve Bujold.

11.15 Real Sex Documentary series exploring the diverse ways in which people enjoy their sexuality. Includes students who reveal everything for an internet site, a feature on futuristic sex toys and models who explore underwater erotica.

Hurray!

12.15 La Femme Nikita 1.00 NHL Ice Hockey: Carolina Hurricanes v Toronto Maple Leafs 3.45 NHL Ice Hockey Replay 5.35 Fastrax

Wednesday 29 January

19

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Thursday 30 January BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.30 The Afternoon Play: Heroes and Villains 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.50 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life This week a certain in-joke makes a reappearance on the show. SW or “Pheonix from the Flames”.

“After being made famous by being bombed by the Argies, you used this fame as platform to spout narrow minded rightwing nonsense..attempting to prolong your career you began running into fires..”

7.30 EastEnders Mark gets sacked for being a plank. Never lived up to the dizzy heights of Tucker in Grange Hill did he?

8.00 DIY SOS 8.30 Rogue Traders 9.00 Trust 10.00 BBC News10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 This Week 12.50 FILM: Under the Piano

6.00 Harlem in the 60s 6.30 Glasgow 1998 - Supporting the Arts 7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 SMart on the Road 8.00 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Andy Pandy 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Maths Challenge 10.50 Bobinogs 11.05 Made in Wales 11.20 Landmark Shorts 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 The Flying Conman 1.30 FILM: Let's Dance 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 The Treasure House 8.30 Tony and Giorgio 9.00 Horizon 9.50 Easy Money: Wayne's World 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Red Dwarf 11.50 Trouble at the Top: Ace of Clubs 12.35 BBC Learning Zone 12.55 Cell City: Inter-City 1.30 Galapagos: Research in the Field 2.20 Biosphere 2 2.30 Lost Worlds

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...?

Today 2.30 Country Lives 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 Mary-Kate and Ashley in Action! 4.15 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill More serial killer type goings on at Sunhill. I’m suprised there’s anyone left in ITV soaps who isn’t covered in tomato ketchup.

9.00 Serious and Organised With Martin “Gold!” Kemp. He seems to have whored himself to everything at the mo...

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Tarrant on TV Still?

Despite being against all taste and decency.

11.00 Grounded for Life 12.00 Night and Day 12.55 Now and Again 1.45 The Machine 2.10 Finley Quaye: In Profile 2.35 Cybernet 3.05 Trisha 4.00 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.30 The Afternoon Play: Girls' Weekend 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 3.55 ChuckleVision 4.10 Scooby Doo 4.35 The Ghost Hunter 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Only Fools and Horses 9.00 Two Thousand Acres of Sky 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Just Up Your Street 11.05 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 11.40 FILM: The Replacement Killers 1.10 FILM: The Ghost 2.35 Joins BBC News 24

8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Science Zone 10.40 Megamaths 11.00 Look and Read 11.20 Social Inclusion Dramas 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Afoot Again in the Past 1.15 FILM: Marjorie Morningstar 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.25 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars 7.30 Clarissa and the Countryman 8.00 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: 8.30 The Winter Flying Gardener 9.00 Timewatch 9.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.00 dinnerladies 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Taken 1.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.40 FILM: Journey into Fear

Mark Thomas...

Weapons Inspector S4C 12.10pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Diet Another Day 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Popty 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Penwythnos Pws 9.00 I'r Gad: Hanes Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg 1963-2003 10.00 Slaymaker 10.30 No Going Back 11.30 Frasier With George Bush arse-licker, Kelsey Grammer. A fact about “Dubya”: He said his favourite childhood book was The Very Hungry Caterpillar even though it came out a year after he graduated from University. 12.00 V Graham Norton 12.35 Alias 1.30 Carling Homecoming 2.00 FILM: The Unforgiven With Burt Lancaster and Audrey Hepburn

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Columbo: A Deadly State of Mind 3.50 FILM: Target Unknown 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: The Secret of My Success is a clever mix of swearing and libellous comments.

10.10 FILM: Hidden Agenda 12.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.45 Dutch Football: NAC Breda v Feyenoord 2.20 Argentinian Football: Independiente v Boca Juniors 4.00 Five Football Replay: San Lorenzo v Independiente 5.35 Motorsport Mundial

ITV1

S4C

five

9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Wish You Were Here...? 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 As Told by Ginger 4.10 How II 4.30 Lan Jam 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Midsomer Murders 97 PEOPLE KILLED IN SOMERSET VILLAGE Rich people say: “We’ll still keep moving there”.

10.30 Clublife Series 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.30 Shotgun Slideshow 12.00 Dial-a-Date 12.35 The District 1.25 CD:UK Hotshots 1.55 Veronica's Closet 2.20 Entertainment Now! 2.45 Today with Des and Mel 3.35 Ghost Stories 4.00 World Football 4.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.50 Get Stuffed 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News HTV West.

Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Windsors 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Jara 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Gwyllt 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Y Set 9.30 Wife Swap How about Celebrity Wife Swap? “Richard and Judy to swap with Sharon and Ozzy”-Charlotte. Debbie McGhee and Paul Daniels to swap with the Beckham’s.

10.30 Sex and the City 11.10 V Graham Norton 11.40 The Book Group Mmm..not to keen on this. Its got advert man in it though.

Don’t know his name, but you know who I mean.

12.10 Mark Thomas...Weapons Inspector Mark Thomas is a dude, mixing both comedy and politics. Alot like “Dubya” himself. Sorry, its been a long day.

12.40 Make My Day 1.10 Born Sloppy 1.55 Top Ten - Progressive Rock 3.25 Skiing on 4: Ski Jumping World Cup This space filler is dedicated to you Cardiff fans out there: 2-0, 2-0, 2-0, 2-0 etc

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 Columbo: A Case of Immunity “Oh there’s just one more thing..I’m a scruffy, barely audible, alcoholic man. How have I managed to keep my job?” Oh, actually he’s a really good ‘tec. Sorry, that’ll be the crack again.

3.40 FILM: The Counterfeit Killer Starring Hulk Hogan and Greg Evigan, probably...

5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday Home 9.00 FILM: Blue Heat Haven’t seen this. Might have some snatch in it though.

2.55 From the Dead of Night So might this.

2.20 From the Dead of Night 3.45 Monsters 4.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 The Love Boat 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

Friday 31 January

Television

BBC1

Serious and Organised ITV1 9.00pm

Cyflwyna presents

Nos F e Wed r c h ne s

m · 9p 3 m 0 0 · 9p 03

awr yr 22 a n i o ,r I 22 Januar y n 2 20 e y a d

»

MC Zippy & DJ George

» Y pypedau gwreiddiol o 1973 fydd yn arwain y nosweithiau bythgofiadwy hyn!

The original puppets from 1973 are your hosts for this soon to be legendary night

e a e t r s u F

B

gair rhydd features section Free Word no.733 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

20 01 03

Make Pop, Not War

y now, most of you have probably settled neatly into 2003 and are quite used to it all. Another year, another number, and for most of us, coursework and more exams. Such is life. Usually, we go into the New Year thinking cheerful thoughts about how it might be better than last year, and how we actually will go to the gym / stop eating junk / take up yoga / stop drinking / stop smoking (delete as appropriate), knowing full well we won’t do any of the above. This year though, my mood was somewhat more pensive.

Tony Blair decided to cheer the nation up by informing us that dark times are ahead, and that war is inevitable (or words to that effect).

That’s not to mention the fact that the NHS is falling to pieces (again) and that, basically, we’re all doomed. Fantastic. Thanks, Mr. Blair. Just what we all wanted to hear, and a happy new year to you too. On top of that, all the disturbing items in the news, including the usual swathe of murders, terrorist attacks across the Middle East, and now this ricin scare (and how many of you knew what ricin was before this month, except for thinking it might be something to do with umbrellas?) didn’t exactly add to any feelings of hope and joyfulness that you’d like to wake up feeling on 1 January. Mind you, I expect most people just woke up with a hangover and a nauseous sense of dread, but I expect you know what I mean.

So, what exactly is Happy about this New Year anyway?

I grant you, things are fairly bad. For starters, two lunatics have been left in charge of two of the most powerful countries in the world.

World War Three threatens to kick o f f every day.

the best things that can ever happen, Justin Timberlake is looking sexy and has actually made some great music (never expected that, and for more on that story, turn to page four of Features), there are lots of new people to look out for, including crazy Russian band T.A.T.U. – yes, they are that exciting. And of course, let us not forget that lovely, lovely Ainslie will be releasing his album very soon! Now that will be special…

Best of all, thus far, the lovely Avril Lavigne is fast achieving world domination, which is deserved and fantastic.

I’d love to write pages about her excellent album and her fresh, individual, slightly scruffy look that will be all the rage in the coming months, but perhaps I’ll save them up for a PopScene…

Speaking of “look”, fashion is fabulous this season – combat clothing is back in, and this is excellent, as practical, comfortable, not-having-to-look-like-Sarah-Jessica-Parker clothing is hardly ever attractive, so we should be relishing that. T-shirts are still in, and they’re always cheap (although I did see a £185 tshirt in Howells the other day – what on earth were they thinking?) and everything is colourful and fun in Topshop.

If we’re lucky, television channels might think of some new, interesting kinds of programmes, and hopefully Popstars will not be recomissioned. Eastenders will continue to remind us that life could be worse, and Neighbours will remain a source of light-hearted joy and entertaining Australians who will one day all release singles.

Exciting things may well be happening this year in the world of sport – Wales might even win at football again! There’s the Cricket World Cup causing a political fracas at the moment, but once that’s out of the way, maybe we can go and try to actually win at something, and I hear tell of some Rugby World Cups, that will no doubt send Wales into a bit of a frenzy. And of course, we can always be hopeful that this will be the year that Tim Henman will win Wimbledon. No really, we can hope…

Best of all though, the world of film is bigger and better than ever. Already this year we’ve had Gangs of New York, which, if nothing else, shows that Leo DiCaprio might still look okay, and Eminem is changing everyone’s minds by pulling off what I hear is a tremendous performance in 8 Mile (and he’s even quite sexy). Before you know it, he’ll be lunching at the Downing Street. Even the next Harry Potter will be worth seeing, if the rumours that Gary Oldman will take the part of Sirius Black are true! Two of the most attractive men in film, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom, are masquerading as pirates for a new Disney film (it might be the only good Disney film ever), and of course, sparkliest and shiniest of all, next Christmas there’s what will be the best of the wonderful Lord of the Rings.

This astounding trilogy of films are definitely set to be the greatest of all time, with the best direction, lighting, acting (mostly), costume, everything. As far as I can find, the best cure for all this modern angst is to sit in the cinema for three hours and be swept away by Middle Earth. Beautiful, noble leaders, great kings, complex and unexpected heroes, fantastic horses, and marvellous social comment on political leadership - I think George Bush should go and see The Two Towers, and find out how to fight a war properly.

So you see, it’s not all bad. Even if the politicians want us to be miserable, we don’t have to listen. We can go and bounce up and down to excellent music and enjoy the finer things in life.

Abbi Shaw

2003: the good, the bad and the sexy

Except that the large, Europe part of the world seems to think that America is, in fact, simply exporting the greatest reality TV show of all time, which they are only required to watch, and occasionally ring up and vote for who they want to win. Britain has no teachers, no nurses, and apparently most of the time, no fire service. And our army has been sent to sit just outside Iraq, “just in case” we do start fighting, so I don’t know who’s going to be manning these Green Goddesses during the next strike.

Cabinet Ministers perhaps?

But if we leave politics aside for a moment, and take a brisk look at the rest of the world, then all kinds of actually rather exciting, shiny things are waiting to be discovered.

Pop music is good again – and that’s always something to shout about.

Britney might have a new album out this year, which is one of

INSIDE FEATURES: Party politics goes online - A year in France - Pictures of Justin (and a bit of writing)...

12 • Focus

gairrhydd 2002-2003

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Editor Gemma Curtis Deputy Editor Tristan Thomas GRiP Editors Rob Jackson & Nick McDonald News Mark Cobley, Dominic O’Neill & Rhiannon Davies Sport Tristan Thomas, David Williams, & Riath Al-Samarrai Features Ed Holmes, Abbi Shaw & Daniel Barnes Books Jane Eyre Arts LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft Music Gemma Jones & Andy Parsons Film Neil Blain & Phil Editor Games Chris Pietryka Get There Neil Krajewski Comment Dave Gates Television Steve Hurst, Amy Butterworth, Alex Macpherson, Matt Harvey, John Widdop Letters & Crossword Jamie Fullerton Big Win Circus Matt Harvey Contributors Nick Bryne, Daniel Evans, Claire Coles, Billy Lee, Becky Wedlake, Dave Gibson, Owain Cooke, Anthony Lloyd, Ian Johnson, Andrew Davidson, Richard Samuels, Russell Atkins,Jamie Roberts,Anna Hodgekiss, Laura Welsh

gair rhydd January 20 2003

Putting spin on the web

Modern students are renowned for being lazy and politically apathetic. But now we can ponder important issues without leaving the comfort of a settee, as the major political parties now kindly expound their views on the web.

T

he Electoral Commission are this year making an increased effort to persuade people to secure their right to vote on the electoral register. The Commission is an independent body, established by Parliament and it is their duty to ensure public confidence and increase public participation in the UK’s democratic process. The Commission is also responsible for modernising the electoral process and regulating political parties. In order to vote in local, national and European elections, each person must be registered and the annual canvass each autumn aims to achieve this. To this end, registration forms are popped through every letterbox with a warning that it is illegal not to return the form or to supply incorrect information.

The Electoral Commission seems confident that they are taking the required steps to lower the number of unregistered voters. At the moment an estimated 1.4 million people are entitled to vote yet are not registered. There is concern that the number of young people and ethnic minorities voting and registering is significantly below average.

says, “Although politics and politicians may sometimes seem distant or beyond your influence, voting can make a difference”. In this statement Younger seems to have hit the crux of the problem.

The majority of people are not failing to vote because they can’t be arsed to go to the polling station, but because the whole democratic process disillusions them.

There are obviously matters of principle behind most people’s rationale of how or whether they vote at all. However, unless you strongly feel that there is a significant benefit to abstaining from the vote, it is important to have your say, as elections are one of the few opportunities where this is welcomed.

The question then remains, whom should you vote for? For many students the next election will be the first opportunity to vote since turning 18. Just briefly rummaging through a few political party websites, it was difficult enough to find out who local candidates were, let alone pin them down to a particular stance on relevant policies. Plus the added difficulty of working out whether it makes any difference that we could be

Labour promised not to introduce tuition fees, but did so three months after the election, and abolished maintenance grants. Information on the Conservative’s own policies on student funding is a little harder to come by. Their view is ambiguous, stating they would “engage constructively with reforms that offer the necessary support for students from less well-off backgrounds”.

On the Liberal Democrats website (www.libdems.org.uk) their policies are shouted out proudly, in the belief they have right on their side. The Liberal Democrats lay claim to scrapping tuition fees in Scotland and Wales and are now campaigning to do the same for England. They criticise both Labour and the Conservatives for not doing or promising enough to stop poor students becoming poorer.

Prioritise your top three political beliefs and vote according to which party, or individual candidate best represents that. Feel free to exclude the Tories because your dad said he would disown you if you ever voted blue, be prejudiced against a party over a single bill, but above all, be informed. There is absolutely no

The difficulty with the student population is that the register needs updating with each change of address.

The solution can be found in rolling registration, which may be used to amend information throughout the year. Advice and downloadable forms are available from the website www.rollingregistration.co.uk. This will also be useful to those students living in halls who will probably not receive registration forms.

Additionally, most students do not realise they may register to vote for local elections both at their home address and in their university town.

This year there is an option to decide whether or not commercial companies will be entitled to access your personal information for marketing purposes. Two registers will be published, one including full details and another for use by commercial companies, excluding the details of those who ‘opt out’. In addition, the full register will remain one of the primary sources for credit checks and will be available for reference in council offices and at public libraries.

Cinemagoers may already be aware of the campaign as the Commission intend to encourage ‘young people’ to vote and register to vote via an advert. With its funky yet expensive look it could almost be mistaken for a Playstation ad, if it were not for the slogan at the end “Votes are Power”. This youth-oriented campaign is spearheaded by the website www.votesarepower.com. The site comprises of short informative FAQs on why voting is important and how to register and vote. It also has a rather exciting collection of free downloads, which are purely naff.

Other adverts will be appearing in print media, on billboards and online.

The Chairman of the Commission, Sam Younger,

voting for an AM (Assembly Member) not an MP, because we are students in Wales. However, rather than falling into the trap of parental propaganda it might be worth taking some time to decide which policies you believe are important to you, and then check out where each party stands in relation to it. You may feel the current threat of war in Iraq is important, maybe you prioritise a particular view on hunting with dogs, or, perhaps the topic on your mind at least 12 hours a day is student funding.

The most useful resource for answering your questions is the Internet. The website for the National Assembly for Wales is incredibly comprehensive and includes forms for a huge variety of questions, is easy to navigate and has a massive amount of information about the Assembly. The address is www.wales.gov.uk and is a good starting point for understanding how your vote counts in Wales.

The official websites of the individual parties are also easy to use, although it is wise to remember that politicians are generally slippery little creatures and it might not be as easy to find a single, unambiguous statement about a specific area of their manifesto. As an example, some parties are more open than others on their policies on student funding. The labour website (www.labour.org.uk) is crammed full of information about education, their top priority. What seems to be lacking however is any information at all on tuition fees or student grants. Whilst the Labour party aim to increase the amount of young people entering higher education they do not appear to offer any suggestion of how this might be funded on an individual level.

The Conservative Party website (www.conservatives.com) helpfully reminds us that

point complaining about any political issues if you have not made the slightest effort to influence them. If you feel particularly strongly about anything, local party offices are listed in most phone directories and they can offer full information on their manifesto.

Besides voting, it is also desperately important that you contact MP’s and AM’s over every statement or decision on which you have an opinion. Sign petitions or attend marches, make your voice heard, but understand that you will have to shout pretty loudly to do so. It is not enough to take the attitude that one person doesn’t make a difference. When too many people think that way the result is a dictatorship. Do not look on the election necessarily as a vote for a candidate, but view it as a vote for democracy.

Other Legends Charlotte Spratt, Andrew Davidson, Alex Macpherson, Rob Jackson for all his wonderful designing skills.

Let me take this opportunity to start plugging our night of high jinx, that we are co-hosting with Xpress at the Barfly on February 5th. Free And Easy is an open deck night, for anyone who fancies impressing the crowds with their DJing skills, or merely their quality music tastes. It is free to get in and will be absolutely corking. You’d be a damn fool to miss out! Come along, and get involved. Then maybe this space would be filled with names.

And that’d be fantastic.

Check out next issue for further details on the event.

Contact us Address gair rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434 Advertising – 0845 1300667 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

There is absolutely no point complaining about political issues if you have not made the slightest effort to influence them

gair rhydd January 20 2003

Focus • 13

“What I discovered there confounded all my negative preconceptions, I had the best year of my life” Taking time out to live and work abroad can be a hugely dauting experience. But as Russell Atkins discovered, many students end up having the time of their lives.

T

hink of France and the immediate response is to conjure up images of the romance of Paris, the endless lavender fields and olive groves of Provence or, perhaps, the chic elegance of the Riviera.

Now try Saint Etienne. Nope, thought not.

This ignorance quickly turned into an acute sense of apprehension in my case when I found out last year that I was to spend seven months there and, what’s more, that my mission, if I chose to accept it, was to attempt to convey the wonders of the English language to little French brats with attitude who thought MC Solaar was cool.

I searched desperately in books and on the internet for information about the town to allay my fears, but not only did I find no pictures, any tiny snippets of description that I did come across were hardly encouraging, ranging from a perception of the town’s “dour industrial renown” in its unenviable former guise as “capitale des taudis” (the slum capital of France), at the positive end of the scale, to the near-suicidal “if you are forced to stay there…”

What I discovered there confounded all my negative preconceptions and I was to return home seven months later having just experienced the best year of my life.

After a journey there like something out of Planes, Trains & Automobiles, I arrived at the train station to be cheerfully greeted by the headmaster of one of my schools who then proceeded to drive me through the streets of St. Etienne at breakneck speed with seemingly scant regard for other road users, pedestrians or even my life. An initiation of sorts, I suppose you could call it. This, he told me, was France. The adventure had begun.

The teaching part, in fact, turned out to be probably the most rewarding thing I have ever done. For the majority of the kids it was the very first time they had come into contact with an actual real life, bona fide English person and their sheer enthusiasm would have melted the heart of even Margret Thatcher. They would run up to me in the playground wanting to shake my hand and shout goodbye to me when I left, and whilst there were inevitably days when I could quite happily have strangled the little buggers, most of the time I walked away grinning like a Cheshire cat and convinced that I had the best job in the world.

It wasn’t all work though (in fact itwas precious little work at all!), and at the end of the day I could go back to my friends who are some of the best people I have ever met and with whom I know I will stay friends for life. I was living in something that was a cross between a university hall of residence and a hovel, with 15 other language assistants from all over the world – British, Italian, Canadian, Mexican, Costa Rican, you name ‘em, we had ‘em. It was about the grottiest place I had ever set eyes upon, but for just £55 a month what could we really expect? And before long, we had made it feel like home.

We had regular house parties that upset the neighbours, at one stage getting a visit from the boys in blue who deemed that we were making just a little too much noise for their liking, and in our inebriated state we reasoned that by suddenly turning all the lights and music off the police would simply go away… You live and learn. There was another night when what we had thought was a brilliant idea – of exhibiting dances from all across the world – backfired. When it came round to our turn to demonstrate an archetypal English dance, what was the best we could come up with?

Rock the bloody Boat…

St. Etienne also boasts a hip salsa bar (after seven months of regular attendance and practice we were still in the beginners’ class) where we inadvertently triggered a new fashion, trendsetters that we were, by dancing around in a circle and every so often shouting “Wooh!” which the rest of the club then decided to emulate. We learnt a valuable lesson about continental habits of partying the first time we went to the town’s “premier” (I think not) nightclub, La Copacabana.

Thinking we had left it quite late enough in arriving at half past ten, we were then informed that the majority of clubbers didn’t tend to actually roll up until at least two in the morning. Being the hardened drinkers that we all were (ha!), we resolved to wait and indulge in a few drinking games to kill the time. Suffice to say that come 2am we were

considerably lighter of pocket and halfway under the table…

Undeterred, we went back again the following week and amazingly got the centre of the heaving dancefloor entirely to ourselves, until a guy with a mullet (this is France, mullets are still eminently fashionable) got in amongst the middle of us and proceeded to strut his funky stuff, Egyptian-style for some bizarre reason, in front of us for the best part of an hour, in between trying to crack onto anyone or thing vaguely female in sight. At 5am we stumbled out of the club and got down on our knees to thank God for the tram (St. Etienne has just about the most comprehensive public transport system I have ever seen) which saved us from a half hour walk, uphill all the way, to where we lived.

The buses weren’t always reliable though, and I well remember one slightly chilly morning in December (it was minus twelve), the first day we

The teaching turned out to be the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

The sheer enthusiasm of the kids would have melted the heart of Margaret Thatcher saw any significant amount of snow, when two of us stood for almost an hour at the bus stop at 8am freezing half to death, only to be told that no buses were running that day because yes, of course, the French road cleaners had without warning decided to engage in their favourite hobby, with impeccable timing, and go on strike! Don’t you just love the French?!

Ultimately though, I did end up falling in love with both the people and the place. St. Etienne may be by some margin the poorest and most industrial town of its size in the country, but an enormous amount of money has been

injected into its economy in recent years. The centre is now no longer recognisable from what it once was, with tree-lined arcades, sun-kissed squares overflowing with pavement cafes. French food – not to mention eating habits – is another experience altogether. We once spent six hours in a restaurant for Sunday lunch. There is a general feel-good factor that was distinctly lacking in its previous incarnation as a “ville noire” (so-called as a result of St. Etienne’s pre-eminent role in French mining history). The people are humble, generous and welcome you into their lives, making an extra special effort with foreigners because the Stéphanois know only too well how it feels to be snubbed after years of derision at the hands of their bourgeois neighbour Lyon.

On the town’s doorstep is the Pilat Regional Park, a haven for ramblers and mountain bikers, and to the other side the community of St. Victorsur-Loire provides an oasis of serenity, beauty and tranquility with its sandy beach (even though St. Etienne is several hundred miles from the nearest coast) and a crystal-clear lake that lends itself perfectly to sailing.

The seductive rustic charms of Provence, the irresistible lure of skiing in the Alps, the iconic Mont Blanc and the luxurious gambling den and millionaires’ playground that is Monaco are all within easy reach on the excellent French rail network. Unlike this country, the trains actually run on time, you nearly always get a seat and it costs about half the price. Richard Branson eat your heart out…

If someone had turned around and said to me at Birmingham airport twelve months ago that I didn’t have to go after all, I wouldn’t have needed asking twice, but after just a week of being there I already felt at home, everybody did. We were so happy that we almost had the childlike impression that the dream would last forever, meaning that when the end came it was far too sudden and I had to be practically dragged kicking and screaming to the station to leave. I made the best group of friends I have ever had, and although St. Etienne is a poor town, far more importantly it is a town with a heart, and one that stole mine. If I could go back again right now I would, without changing a single thing. Regrets? Non, je ne regrette rien.

A dour industrial town? St. Etienne’s fantastic cathedral suggests not

gair rhydd January 20 2003

Focus • 14

Justin Timberlake was once an object of ridicule in this section, what with all that curly hair and flimsy dressing, but Daniel Barnes is now championing the cause of the new, improved boy – who might even be a bit sexy...

Free from the kitsch N*Sync A

subtle storm has been brewing quietly and without obstruction so we have hardly been able to detect it.

Whilst those at the centre of Popworld were jostling to see the conclusions of Fame Academy (sexy sexy Ainslie!

- Popscene) and Popstars: The Rivals, a familiar star began to burn brighter than ever before.

A young man who goes by the disarmingly ordinary name of Justin, has been reinventing himself in an attempt to salvage what might be left of his career. It comes after the very public end to his relationship with a fellow celebrity, for which we thought he could

never be forgiven. So it is with some trepidation that we begin to accept that we have changed our minds about Justin Timberlake.

N*Sync are spiralling into the same abyss as Boyzone did, and are just as reluctant to admit it. The group have dispersed under the pretence that the individual members are “perusing solo projects”.

We are told, to use a well-worn phrase that peppers partnerships of the postmodern era, they are “on a break”. Unsurprisingly, though, only the supposed lead singer is actually doing anything constructive.

Unless, that is, you think Lance’s monumentally foolish and doomed-to-failure attempt at being the first popstar in space is constructive. The other three (whoever they are) have dissolved silently into the ether just hoping every waking second that Justin will want them back again.

Unless you read Top of the Pops Magazine regularly, or perhaps listen to your local radio more than is healthy, the whole N*Sync thing may well have passed you by. What will not have escaped your attention, however, is Justin’s relationship with PopScene’s favourite girl Britney Spears. News about them continuously stained pages of newsprint for the entire duration of their relationship, partly due to Britney’s outrageous claims of virginity, but also as a result of the fact that almost everyone – boys and girls alike – viewed their pairing as being so grandly unjustified. He was nerdy, sycophantic, and had awful, hideous hair, and she is beautiful, talented and the apple of pop’s proverbial eye, so we could never imagine that it would work.

However, as it turns out, after the break-up he came across as being the victim of her manipulative ways, but still we didn’t feel sorry for him.

It is quite a telling thing that Britney has been quiet since she broke-up with Justin: hardly a note has drifted from her all-American lips, not a word has been uttered. But Justin has not been so silent; he has been sat at his musical anvil forging a career, a new life that he hopes will grow into a legacy. The release of his first solo single wasn’t so much of an explosion as it was a moderate ripple in the waters of pop music, but it is no less notable for that. There was always something quite upsettingly tacky about N*Sync – there was too much colour and not enough substance – but the boy has managed to sponge that out, and will now go far.

The single, Like I Love You, is not, by any means, a work of genius, but it is a truly great pop song, the likes of which has only been paralleled by Liberty X’s Just a Little in recent times. It is catchy, tuneful, inspiring, and, most surprisingly, it is sexy: Justin has shaved off those unflattering curly locks and employed a decent stylist. In the video for the song he appears confident, at ease and as if he might possess some talent. With a few stylish cars, some gripping dance moves, and equal measures of semi-naked boys and girls, he has broken away from that curious ideal of the boyband with all the glamour and mystery that he deserves.

The thing that compels us to change our views about him is simply that he has become sexy – not in a gay, Take That kind of way or in that alleged Sean Bean sense. He has become sexy in that peculiar – dare I say – postmodern kind of way, whereby every second he breathes he exudes a well-contrived sense of style: he has the right clothes, the right moves and songs that slip silently into your consciousness. He has an air of confidence about him that doesn’t spill over into arrogance, and yet he’s still kind of cute, almost diffident in his gestures and speech.

It is beyond me to suggest how this transformation has occurred, but only to be sure of the fact that the suppression of this gorgeous crystallisation of pop must have been the work of N*Sync and / or Britney. Without these appendages, Justin has flourished, thus proving that he can actually manage the world on his own. His album, Justified, is a fine example of how pop music should be done – with style and design, not in a mindlessly hedonistic wash of vulgarity and absurdity. If he carries on like this, he will be able to wipe the slate clean and N*Sync may be forgotten for ever, even

though the Windows XP version of Word has chosen to immortalise their name by recognising N*Sync as a legitimate spelling, but, hilariously, and in a potentially ironic fashion, not understanding ‘postmodern’ to be a word.

So forget everything uncomplimentary you ever read about our boy Justin Timberlake in PopScene; we have changed our minds (it’s true - believe us...), because he has changed his ways and showed us that he’s not afraid to put the sexy back into pop, which is the way it should be.

DATHLIAD DIWEDD ARHOLIADAU / END OF EXAMS PARTY HERE C HEAVY OME THE WEIGH TS

R ’ A M Y D ION R W A M

LASHTASTIC GWENER 24ain O IONAWR 2003 - 9pm FRIDAY 24th JANUARY 2003 - 9pm GYDA / FEATURING

RELOAD - THE TOM & ROBBIE SHOW

(A tribute to Tom Jones and Robbie Williams)

JONES

WILLIAMS vs.

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0 0 .

3

Inter Mural Games

Page 18

January 20 2003

grsport@hotmail.com

Dramatic Momed scrape through IMG

Pts

31

21

7

5

1

1

41

34

16

7

4

0

3

29

7 21

8

12

7

0

3

26

26

0

12

7

4 2

1

18

27

-9

7

7

2

0

4 5

15

36

-21

6

7

2

0

5

11

1

0

6

13

36 31

-25 -18

6 3

7

Final Group B standings 7

5

1

1

31

12

19

16

7

5

1

1

28

13

15

16

7 7

3

1

3

18

17

1

10

3

1

3

13

13

0

10

7

2

1

4

17

-5

7

7

1

1

5

9

22 22

-13

4

7

0

0

7

5

38

-33

0

Final Group C standings P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

7

5 5

1

1

53

13

40

16

7

1

1

41

12

29

16

7

5

1

1

24

5

19

16

7

4

1

2

19

20

-1

13

7

3

1

3

20

15

5

10

7

2

0

5

8

32

-24

6

7

1

1

5

10

42

-32

4

7

0

0

7

14

50

-36

0

A

GD

Pts

26

11

15

17

7

4

2

1

16

5

11

14

7

4

2

1

17

11

6

14

4 Woka Juniors

7

4

1

2

26

11

13

5 Planderlecht

7

3

0

4

23

19

15 4

6 Psycho Athletico

7

2

2

3

15

12

3

8

7 Pharmacy

7

1

1

5

13

22

-9

4

8 CU FC

7

0

0

7

2

47

-45

0

V

NEXT ISSUE: 20

WITH THE prospect of a cup competition looming for IMG Netball teams later this season, the girls must first concentrate on the important job of winning the leagues.

The Premiership promises to be a fascinating competition with three teams, Economics, Pharmacy and Psychology, all sporting 100% records from the first phase. All three will fancy their chances of maintaining this record although all must follow Economics’ lead and defeat defending champions Cardiff University A to win the championship.

Division One is sure to be an open affair with no team

really showing any form.

Favourites must be the Uni B team although it would be unwise to write off Carbs B or Law B. Chemy will be eager to carry on from last season with their "Team of the Year" Award.

Sawsa will fancy their chances of winning Division 2 after only missing out on Division 1 on points difference.

They will be the only team in Division 2 on a winning run after scoring victories in their final two matches of last term.

Medics cannot be overlooked after failing to ignite in the first phase. Surely the time has come to come into a bit of form. Cplan and Gym Gym will be eager to improve on a record of not having a single win between them in 2002..

IMG 2003

Premiership

Billy Lee for GR Sport

gr sport Carbs A Cardiff University A Economics Law A Pharmacy

29/1 12/2 26/2 5/2 19/2

19/3 29/1 12/2

5/2

19/3 12/3 5/2 5/3 12/2

5/2 26/2 5/3 19/3

29/1 12/2 12/3

26/2 29/1

29/1 12/2 26/2 5/2 19/2

IMG 2003

Division 3 fixtures

12/3 12/2 A. A. Stanley 19/3 5/2 B. Bute Park Utd C. Christian Union FC 12/2 19/3 5/2 26/2 D. Earth Soc 29/1 12/3 E. Irish 26/2 29/1 F. Pharmacy 5/3 G. Sawsa FC

Carbs B Cardiff University B Chemy/Biosci Comsoc Law B

5/3

gr sport C Plan Cardiff University A Economics Law A Pharmacy

12/2 5/2 29/1 26/2

Comsoc

26/2 19/3

19/2 29/1 12/2

5/2 19/2

26/2

5/2 19/2

26/2

Division Two

29/1 12/2 26/2 5/2 19/2

12/2 5/2 29/1 26/2

Law A

5/3 26/2 5/2 12/3

Law B

12/3 12/2 5/3 5/2 29/1

Phist

29/1 5/3 12/3 26/2 12/2 19/3

gr sport

Pharmacy

gr sport

19/2 29/1 12/2

Division One

Psycho.

12/2 12/3 29/1 5/3 19/3 26/2 5/2

Chemsoc

Cathays FC Chemsoc Gym Gym Law B Mathletico Madrid Myg Myg Planderlecht

Gym Gym

gr sport

12/2 5/2 29/1 26/2

Division 2 fixtures

Bute Park

5/2

Premiership to be settled by big four

IMG 2003

I MG 2003 Carbs B

Economics 12/2 12/3

9

Free Varsity 03 Guide!

Christian U

12/2

History

F

0

Law B

19/3 12/3

12/3 5/3 26/2

L

2

Earth Soc.

Carbs A

12/3 5/2 29/1

19/3 12/2 5/2 29/1

D

5

Mathl. Mad

Ecosoc

26/2 19/3 12/2 5/3

Planathin.

RPR 29/1 26/2 19/3 5/2 5/3

W

Myg Myg

Jomec

5/3 29/1 26/2 12/2 5/2

Final Group D standings P 7

Netball

Car. Uni A

Pts 18

Car. Uni B

16

19/2 29/1 12/2

Car. Uni A

GD

5

Economics

A

21

Chemy/Bio

F

1

Economics

L

0

Law A

D

6

Pharmacy

W

7

Psycho.

P

I MG 2003

Law A

Momed

5/2 26/2 5/3 19/3 29/1 12/3

5/3 19/3 29/1 12/2 26/2 12/3

GD

4

Irish

26/2 29/1 5/3 19/3 12/3 12/2 5/2

A

35

Plander.

Kick off is at 12pm.

The squad will be selected from the following: Greenhill (Jomec), Lyon (Law A), Tyler (RPR), P. Welsh (Torpedo Engin), I. Welsh (Irish), Hywel (FC Real), Ziege (Chemsoc), Johnson (Momed), Minagawa (Accountancy), Oliver (Torpedo Engin), Carhill (Law A), Pitcher (Momed), Ford (Accountancy) and James (RPR)

Division 1 fixtures Woka Jun.

gr sport Auxilliary Engin Carbs B Economics History Planathinaikos RPR Uni Hallstars

F

0

Pharmacy

I MG 2003

L

0

I MG

FC Real

29/1 5/2 5/3 26/2 12/3 19/3 12/2

Uni Halls.

Accountancy Carbs A Ecosoc Jomec Law A Momed FC Real

D

7

I MG

Premiership Torpedo E.

gr sport

W

7

Sawsa FC.

I MG 2003

P

I MG

IMG Barbarians to contest Varsity shield THIS YEAR an IMG Barbarians team will take on Swansea 3rds as part of the varsity event on Wednesday February 19th at Llanrumney.

This is an opportunity to show how much better Cardiff is at football at all levels than their former polytechnic rivals. Football for this week will be postponed so all players can come down and cheer their team-mates on.

Final Group A standings

Psycho At.

A WEEK of high drama brought the first phase of IMG 2002/3 to a close. With so much to play for, it was always bound to be a nailbiting afternoon of action and it didn’t disappoint.

Champions Jomec went into their final match in Group B confident of their safe passage towards the Premiership. They reckoned without Torpedo Engin, however, whose victory means they top the "Group of Death" and sound a warning to the other big guns.

Suddenly, if other results didn’t go their way, Jomec would have found themselves in Division 1. Fortunately for the journalists, Carbs B only beat new boys Accountington Stanley by the odd goal in nine allowing Jomec the opportunity to defend their title in 2003.

While this was going on Chemsoc took on RPR in a game to decide who qualified for Division 1. Chemsoc were strongly fancied after finishing fourth last season but, despite opening the scoring on the hour, couldn’t hold on and RPR were saved by a "beckhamesque" freekick from James "Party Boy" Lewis, confining the Chemists to Division 2.

Group A winners FC Real are the only team in the IMG with a 100% record still intact , after they overcame Earth Soc. After finishing second in their debut season last year, Real will be looking to go one better and take the crown this time round.

Carbs A were surprised by Law B, who grabbed a shock draw, but still progress to the Pos Premiership. The draw was not 1 FC Real enough for the lawyers to get 2 Carbs A to division one however, as 3 Aux. Engin debutantes Uni Hallstars thrashed Myg Myg to confirm 4 Uni Hallstars their place instead. It has been 5 Law B a fantastic season for the 6 Myg Myg Hallstars, who have turned 7 Sawsa FC their season around after losing their first three matches.

8 Earth Soc Auxilliary Engin strolled into division 1 after a Sawsa ‘no show’ gifted them a 5-0 win.

Group D saw Law A confirm Pos their comeback from an 1 Torpedo Engin indifferent start to record their 2 Jomec fifth straight win, this time 3 Carbs B against the hapless CU FC, and 4 RPR qualify for the Premiership in 5 Chemsoc commanding style. While this came as no surprise, the fact 6 Gym Gym that Ecosoc saw off 7 A. Stanley Planathinaikos to join the 8 Bute Park Utd lawyers in the top division certainly was.

Finally, Group C. It was all set up before kick off with any two of History, Accountancy, Pos 1 Accountancy Economics and Momed in position to qualify for the 2 Momed Premiership. Momed struck first 3 Economics to defeat History and seal their 4 History position for the second year 5 M. Madrid running.

Momed completely deserved 6 Cathays FC their victory but it was harsh on 7 Irish history ‘keeper Bill Burson, 8 W. Wanderers whose man of the match performance was not enough to save his team. In the other big match, Economics draw against Pos Accountancy means that they 1 Law A failed in their bid to reach the 2 Ecosoc Premiership despite winning 3 Planathinaikos their opening four games.

Wyvern W.

Billy Lee for GR Sport

5/2 19/2

26/2

Comment & Analysis

January 20 2002

Page 19

grsport@hotmail.com

Welsh club rugby’s final rebellion gr top 5 Rugby UNION

Claire Coles - ANALYSIS

T

he performances of Welsh clubs in the Heineken and Parker Pen Cup competitions provided rugby fans with a mixed bag of success and shame last weekend.

The Heineken Cup campaign started with a cheer following Llanelli’s defeat of their pool three rivals, Bourgoin by 27-22 at Stradey Park.

As well as reliable kicking from Stephen Jones, the home side managed to assert their authority through a Scott Quinnell try, a stabbing run across the Bourgoin line by scrum-half, Dwayne Peel and a brace of tries scored by Garan Evans.

This well fought victory for the West Walians sets them up for a vital encounter with Glasgow this weekend. A victory on Scottish soil could well see Llanelli pushing through to the quarter-final stages of the competition.

These jubilant cheers for Welsh rugby were quickly silenced, however, by an Ulster pack which was able to dominate Cardiff in order to secure an Irish away victory of 33-21. This result is a fifth straight defeat of the Blues and Blacks by Ulster in this

competition.

Three first-half tries were scored by the visitors, primarily due to the lack of opposition posed by Cardiff’s pack. However, Cardiff were able to repay the compliment through their backs, Walne and Allen, with each crossing the Ulster try-line before the half-time whistle.

Cardiff dampened Welsh spirits again, with a 31 - 21 loss

Cardiff coach Dai Young will be concerned at the prospect of taking his side to face French outfit Biarritz, yet captain Martyn Williams believes that his team must continue to build on their second-half display: “The Biarritz game is huge now and if you are not totally up for it when you go to France you are going to get rolled off the park.”

In addition to the Cardiff result, Leinster’s domination of Swansea 48-19 and Toulouse’s feast of 10 tries against Newport to win 70-18, increases the awareness of officials to change the structure of Welsh club, or even provincial, rugby for next season.

Despite much doom and gloom in the Heineken Cup, thrilling victories were clinched by Pontypridd and Neath in the quarter-final stage of the Parker Pen competition.

Both Pontypridd and Connacht provided an entertaining display of

attacking rugby. In this first leg of the quarter-finals, 8 tries were scored between the Celtic rivals and despite a late surge of attack by the home team, Pontypridd managed to maintain their advantage to run out winners.

This match will surely be viewed as an example of the flair of Connacht players and why their province should not be disarmed by the Irish Rugby Union, who are considering the move following financial difficulties. Despite events off the field, it is hoped that the skills and entertainment values of the first leg will be repeated in the second leg at Pontypridd this weekend.

Finally, another thrilling encounter was provided by Neath and Beziers at the Gnoll, with the home team securing a fantastic victory.

The Neath defence was able to hold on despite a late French onslaught to claim a well-earned 23-18 victory.

Gerrard Houllier’s fortress England flourish Anfield? What a Kop-out to resurrect hope from the Ashes Middlesborough and a 1-0 loss in Blackburn allowed Arsenal to push clear.

The story of their home form makes far better reading, with commanding performances and displays of attacking football that have kept their dreams of another Premiership title alive, though realistic aspirations will depend on Arsenal faltering on the home straight.

Perennial chokers Chelsea are still in the hunt, as are Sir Bobby Robson's Newcastle, who with Alan Shearer in clinical form have built up a formidable home record.

In Nationwide League Division 1, it could be tight at the top if cash-strapped Leicester City can win their game in hand, but they have to catch Harry Redknapp's Portsmouth side who have already notched up 59 points, and are in pole-position in the championship race.

A long unbeaten streak has seen Wigan Athletic build up a huge lead at the top of Division 2, nine points with a game to spare which will surely guarantee promotion.

Cardiff will need Robert Earnshaw's prolific goal scoring to continue if they can fight off the competition and avoid a nerve-jangling play-off again this year.

Hartlepool United and Rushden & Diamonds picked up points over Christmas and have put daylight between themselves and the chasing Houlier has spent millions but Liverpool have regressed recently pack in Division Three.

may not be as solid as George Graham's side of the Nineties, but Thierry Henry is in imperious form. He hit his 14th league goal, and his 100th for the club, in a 4-0 rout at Birmingham a week he hectic Christmas ago. shake up has all but After gritty victories over ruled last year's runnersup out of the title race. Gerard Liverpool and Arsenal in early December, it looked as Houllier's Liverpool side though Manchester United continue their nightmare were to start a trademark winter into the New Year, assault on the title. The failing to win in any of their midfield has been bolstered last 11 Premiership outings.

The sequence, which is the by the return from injury of club's worst in half a century, vital duo David Beckham and Roy Keane. has seen the Reds slip down But, having closed Arsenal's the table to sixth: a crucial 12 points behind leaders Arsenal. early season lead, United were once again let down by the Ominously for the rest, the terrible away form that has Gunners are starting to click produced just three victories into gear; already sitting on a five-point buffer. The defence this term. A 3-1 defeat at

Daniel Evans Sports Columnists

T

David Williams Sports Editor

W

ith current political issues ongoing, it is not surprising that off-field matters have taken precedence following England's 4-1 Ashes defeat Down Under.

However, after the ECB's decision to play their World Cup match in Zimbabwe was announced, on-field performance is now England's concern if the Winter tour is anything to go by.

With only one first-class victory to show for their efforts, and that not coming until the final Test match, Nasser Hussain and his squad will have to overcome the injuries and the total loss of form that has blighted them, to put up a fight in this year's World Cup in South Africa.

However, England will be able to draw on their end of tour resurgence, with a narrow loss at Melbourne and a win at the SCG. Included in those two tests was Michael Vaughan’s superb achievement of becoming the leading test run scorer this year.

The signs of improvement were beginning to emerge in the fourth test, the first to go the full five days, where Vaughan's century and Craig

White's 85 not out gave England a fighting chance.

Confidence was boosted further by the bowling of Steve Harmison, Andy Caddick and Richard Dawson, whose five second innings wickets made the Australians sweat in their pursuit of just over 100.

With strike-bowlers, Shane Warne and Glen McGrath, out of the fifth test, England's chances of victory were increased, but a breathtaking century from Steve Waugh on his home ground, added to the task. Though another Vaughan ton ,and consistent bowling from the England attack on a disintegrating wicket, ensured that England wouldn't leave empty handed from one of the most eventful Ashes tours in

Bobby’s in Sport

Disagree with Riath’s choices?

Email grsport@hotmail.com Bobby George; The face of darts and advert for cheap jewellers around the world, the legend that is "Big Bobby" refused to consummate his marriage to his newly-wed, until he finished playing a leg of darts in the bar of their honeymoon hotel.

1

Sir Bobby Robson; the king of the Toon Army famous for what can be best described as an endearingly senile old fool.

Shortly before the ’86 World Cup Robson refused for two hours to board the specially chartered flight to France for a friendly match. Citing Peter Reid’s absence as the cause of his tantrum, Robson was duly reminded that he had not picked him in his squad.

Clearly mental.

2

Bobby Gould; The antifootball himself, Bobby Gould almost single handedly ruined Welsh football under his tenure as International manager. A grade-A madman, Gould once tried to seduce my sister (I might well have made that up).

3

Bobby Moore; West Ham United and England skipper, Moore was best characterised by his inability to act in the film "Escape to Victory," where he also failed to shine when playing alongside Michael Caine.

World Cup winner my arse; national hero whatever; Moore bottled it and it was left to Sylvester Stallone in goal to save the allies. Pele was over rated as well.

4

Bobby Charlton; Don’t actually know why the moody, bald man has made it in, but I’m out of ideas.

5

history. Simon Jones' horrific injury on the first day of the opening test, Nasser Hussain's tactics, and now the ethics debate surrounding the decision to play in Zimbabwe, have all contributed to the off-field issues surrounding English cricket.

But at least England won’t face any tougher tests over the coming year, and victory in the final match of the series offers hope for the future.

Steve Waugh lifts the Ashes trophy