gair rhydd - Issue 735

Jacko: The debate goes on Features provide an insight on the ‘King’ of pop Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

Monday 17th February / Free Word 735

Inside GRiP: The ‘Spree bring their masses to the union

gairrhydd

“It’s fortnightly, you fools”

Christian Union may face ‘exile’ Mark Cobley reports THE CHRISTIAN Union society has been plunged headlong into a storm of controversy after homophobic and sexist comments were allegedly made at a public meeting.

The event - entitled “Sexuality?” - took place in the Humanities building last Wednesday lunchtime.

Anger has focused upon comments made by the speaker Roger Carswell, who described homosexuality as “morally wrong” and “a sin”.

According to reports from students present, he also made other comments that could be construed as sexist, including “a woman’s role is to be a carer, a nurturer.

“Eve was created for Adam to look after her man.”

Union Women’s Officer Mel Whitter attended the meeting.

“I felt these comments were a clear breach of equal opportunities policy” she said.

CU student leaders have strenuously denied any wrongdoing but union insiders are now talking about the possibility of a ban.

Societies and Union Secretary Laura Welsh, was clear about the possible consequences for the society.

“Cardiff Students’ Union has an equal opportunities policy under ordinance four of the union constitution.

“We would take a breach of this policy very seriously. If any society is found to be contravening Ordinance Four they can lose their society status.

discussed the matter with Laura Welsh.

“If the Christian Union feel that the equal opportunities policy does not apply to them, they should reconsider their affiliation to Cardiff Union.

“Any student is free to hold any views they wish on whatever issue, but opinions like this cannot be expressed in the name of Cardiff Union.

“It’s an issue of respecting one another as equals.”

The leaders of other religious societies at the union were also anxious to stress they did not hold these views.

Mital Patel, President of the Hindu society echoed these sentiments.

“Our society is open to all.

“There is a s i m i l a r debate in Hinduism about eating meat but we don’t take a position on CAZ NOYES, UNION PRESIDENT this and we accept both “The Christian Union in no opinions in our society.

“We’d have a similar opinion way holds homophobic beliefs on the homosexual debate. We and welcomes everyone.”

Peter also denied allegations keep an open mind.”

Lisa Kallow, President of the of sexism, saying that the talk celebrated the differences Navigators Christian society explained their position. between men and women.

“We’re going to have a “At no point did anyone say they were unequal,” Peter said. discussion on sexuality in a This is the second time this couple of weeks, but we don’t year that the issue of hold an opinion on it as a homophobia has arisen on society.

“We don’t have anything campus.

In November it was alleged against LGB people.”

The issue of homosexuality that religious groups were going around halls of residence remains controversial for some making anti-LGB comments religions.

On Sunday a local Christian and distributing literature.

Union President Caz Noyes organisation known as ‘Pub was greatly concerned at these Church’ held a discussion between a homosexual latest allegations.

“I heard rumours about this christian and more traditionalist issue last November and views in Bar Oz .

“This would lead to loss of union funds and access to union facilities, and would mean they would no longer have use of the union’s name.”

Christian Union student leaders have reacted with shock and dismay to the accusations.

CU President Peter Foster was anxious to stress that the society is not homophobic.

“As Christians we believe that sex outside marriage (a legal commitment between a man and a woman), whether homosexual or heterosexual, is wrong.

“But we also believe that God loves everyone although we have all done things wrong and offers forgiveness to all.

“If the CU feel that equal opps policy does not apply to them they should reconsider their affiliation to Cardiff Union.”

UNION EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES POLICY “Cardiff University Students’ Union is committed to equal opportunities.”

“The Union will not tolerate any unfair discrimination of any kind, which may be displayed as hostile remarks, innuendo, written abuse, physical assault intimidation or threatening gestures.”

“The Union, its members and employees shall act without prejudice based on gender, racial origin, sexual orientation, religious belief, age, culture or language.”

Meet the Uni-cycler!

Peter Bramwell reports AFTER MONTHS of painstaking surveillance, gair rhydd can reveal the identity of the phantom unicyclist flitting through the streets of Cathays.

Often nothing more than a blur around Park Place, 1st Year Mechanical Engineering student Patrick Moody says that unicycling is his main form of transport.

Patrick, originally from Essex but now living in halls of residence at Senghennydd Court, told gair rhydd, “Its just a bit of fun really.

“I was on a school trip to New York a few years ago and I saw someone riding a UniCycle in Central Park.

“It looked pretty cool, and about a year later I bought one off the Internet for £80 from www.unicycle.com.”

“It’s quite efficient compared to walking and it takes very little effort.”

After riding for over two years he has had few problems

and no crashes as of yet.

“Apart from the occasional joker who shouts ‘you’ve lost your front wheel mate’ most people have give really good responses and show a real interest.

“It’s actually quite safe. It only took me about two weeks before I could ride it freely and two months before I could steer. I can dodge between pedestrians on the pavements quite easily!”

After encouraging a friend to learn with him, they both started mountain unicycling.

A more extreme version of the sport, this includes trials, downhill and also doing tricks.

Patrick continued, “I still

haven’t seen anyone else unicycling!

“I suppose it is quite unique.

I am considering the possibility of starting a club next academic year, so if anyone is interested then email me at MoodyP@Cardiff.ac.uk.

“I’m quite happy to let people have a go and try to help them learn.”

But students may want to bear in mind Patrick’s hobby has already got him in trouble.

He was apprehended whilst joy-riding along the pavement outside Barclays Bank after nearly knocking down a number of old age pensioners.

He is reported as responding “I am the king of the road!”

GR SPORT SPEAK EXCLUSIVELY TO MARK HUGHES, PAGE 28 News p 1–6 ● Letters p 13 ● Features p 15 Blagging p 12 ● Sport p 24 ● GRiP p 15 ● TV listings, GRiP p 13

News

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February 17 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

IN BRIEF Students Curry Art Cancelled

A UWIC Art lecturer who planned to kick an empty curry carton down Bedford high street in the name of art has had to cancel the event.

Andre Stitt, 44, was to be paid £12,000 for the act, which he would have performed wearing silver platform boots.

He claimed “Trash Curry Kick” would “focus on contentious socio-political issues such as oppression, isolation and alienation.”

The lecturer had received funding from the Arts Council of Wales as well as East of England Arts and Commissions East.

But he had to cancel the spicy act after fears that the event would attract too many people thanks to “unanticipated interest from the media”.

A spokesperson for Mr Stitt’s show said, “We don’t have the resources to marshal the event anymore.

“We are afraid it just would not be safe.”

Could be you?

A CARDIFF National Lottery player is missing out on a fortune because he or she has still not claimed the prize.

Lottery operators Camelot announced that a ticket bought in Cardiff for the January 9th draw - now worth £90,000 - is probably still lying around somewhere in Cardiff.

The winner matched five numbers plus the bonus ball to win the prize. They now have until July 7 to claim.

Camelot spokesperson Bryan Thickins said, “Someone is missing out on a nice little windfall.

“I advise anyone who thinks they may have bought the ticket to search their pockets and drawers - it could be you!”

The winning numbers were 10, 12, 22, 34, 46 and 48. The bonus ball was number 3.

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

kicked out after death threats against VC Victoria Moores reports TWO PLYMOUTH University students have been suspended for distributing a spoof article advocating the assassination of the University’s ViceChancellor Professor Ronald Levinsky.

Student Union President at the Seale-Hayne campus James Lewis and James Messenger were suspended over the comic article published in the Seale-Hayne Chronicle on January 16th.

The article, headlined ‘Kill Levinsky - win a Robin Reliant’, was a spoof of an article published in the Sunday Sport newspaper which said ‘Kill Sadaam, win a metro’.

The article was accompanied by a picture of a topless woman armed with guns and a caption stating that the Seale-Hayne gun club had been putting in training for the assassination attempt.

Action was taken after the vice-chancellor received telephone death threats.

The threats are thought to have been made by a woman and it is unclear whether the threats are related to the publication.

The article was published amidst controversy over the Vice-Chancellor’s restructuring plans, which entail the closure of the Seale-Hayne Campus.

The plans have outraged students, who in response have been campaigning to keep the campus open.

James Lewis and James Messenger believe that their suspensions relate more to their leading roles in the campaign than to the spoof article.

James Lewis said ‘“We are cynical about this action because we have spoken out against the restructuring.

“We tread on the university’s toes, now it’s a chance for them to get back at us.”

As well as suspending the Plymouth student James Lewis was suspended after a two students the university spoof article in the student newspaper has closed the Seale-Hayne has been reported that one of the gun club and publication of investigation suspended students has been the student newspaper has carried out. been suspended until a Student sources at the allowed back, though it was have since not clear which one. thorough internal University

Easy exam appeals for students Claire Woods reports THE UNION’S Academic Affairs Officer is attempting to make it easier for students to appeal on coursework and exam results.

Minelle Gholami has the responsibility of helping and advising students independently and impartially.

Now she wants students to be more aware of the advice the union can offer in relation to academic appeals and other academic problems.

“Many students view the union soley for entertainment.

But it also offers advice for students on this kind of issue,” Minelle said.

She also wants to raise awareness of appeal procedures and issues around plagiarism.

She said, “If students believe special circumstances will affect their academic results they should write to the Head of Department and Chair of Examination Board as soon as possible.”

“Examples can be if you feel the exam was unfair, procedures were unnecessarily disrupted and so on.”

Minelle has set up a simplified guide to appealing exam and coursework results at cardiffstudents.com which will be available from next week.

Appeals must be made

within 14 days of the results being published to the Academic Registrar who will decide if an appeal is allowed.

Minelle is also keen to stress she is always available to help any students who are having problems of this kind.

For further information refer to the Academic Regulations Handbook issued at the start of Semester one or contact Academic Affairs Officer Minelle Gholami on the third floor of the students union. She can be contacted by e-mail at gholamim1@cf.ac.uk.

Union Academic Affairs Officer, Minelle Gholami

More housing scare tactics for students John Collingridge reports LETTING AGENCIES have continued dropping flyers which urge haste in finding a house.

Easylet has continued to promote their housing with the phrase “The good houses and large houses go first, so make sure you book early.”

Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer Emma Bebington said of such agencies: “It is always better to look for an accredited agency.

Avoid agencies that don’t give many contact details, or simply give a mobile number.”

It is best to look for agents that are members of the Bond Bank scheme. This scheme ensures that you are able to claim back what you legitimately deserve of your bond.

Cardiff Council has set up a housing advisory service called Private Sector Housing.

This free service will visit the 2nd floor of the Union on the first Tuesday of every month, beginning on March 4, from 2-4 pm. Students are encouraged to turn up to get advice on all aspects of student housing.

You can contact Private Sector Housing on 0292087 3564/3565.

News

February 17 2003

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gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

Jubilation as The soapstars of Cathays EU rules ‘Unis not for sale’ officer Lucy Groom hopes Woodville Road will become MAKE WAY Coronation a “cult show with a huge Street - Woodville Road is listenership.”

The show’s success seems set to be the scene for as Nottingham Xpress Radio’s new radio likely soap, only the second of its University’s Lenton Boulevard student soap has already kind in the UK. GATS last September.

The soap will be based proved a hit with the city’s Opposition to GATS has around six freshers, three student population. also come from many other The show will begin male and three female. It will Higher Education bodies follow the students broadcasting in mid-March including the national NUS, for ten minutes twice a week. throughout their student life.

Association of University Xpress broadcasts in the It is intended to take a Teachers and the NATFHE. light-hearted approach to union building and during Despite the “fantastic student issues with comedy March will also be available achievement” of People & on 107.2 FM. along the way.

Planet’s student protests, HE Final auditions for the soap Programme co-ordinator may remain under threat.

Issy Taylor says the show will were held on Thursday Only a few years after the be a mixture of “Hollyoaks February 13. However all you current negotiations conclude, sauciness and Neighbours budding Harold Bishops need more will be launched to not worry - Xpress radio will comedy.” expand GATS yet further.

Xpress public relations constantly be looking for new People & Planet Campaign talent.

Organiser Jess Worth urged You can contact the caution: “the most dangerous “The show will be soapstars team by popping thing we could do now is a mixture of into their office on the fourth think we’ve won. floor of the students’ union.

“GATS is still alive and Hollyoaks sauciness Students can also email kicking and the threat it poses speech@xpressradio.co.uk. to Higher Education and other and Neighbours Xpress officers are even vital services across the world hoping to organise a few has not disappeared”. comedy.” celebrity appearances on the This caution was mirrored

by Head of Campaigns Guy XPRESS PROGRAMME student soap - so who knows Hughes who added that Cardiff students may soon be following in their footsteps COORDINATOR ISSY TAYLOR where it may lead? permanent protection will only be achieved if “GATS either collapses or is completely rewritten.”

Andy Hunt reports

David Jarmain reports

THE UNION’S People and Planet society is claiming a major victory after the European Union caved in on proposals for a major international treaty.

The General Agreement on Trade and Services, more popularly known as GATS, may sound like another innocent treaty to promote free trade but the potential impact its provisions could have on our education is real and even dangerous.

GATS seeks to eliminate any regulations that are considered “barriers to trade” in public service delivery.

This means allowing companies to buy into public services for profit; including Higher Education.

Many have feared that this would amount to a large scale privatisation of universities, not just in the UK but across the entire European Union.

Fees would almost certainly increase and unpopular, nonprofit-making courses would be forced to close.

Fortunately, this bleak prospect was averted last Wednesday when the EU announced that Higher Education will not be included in the negotiations.

It admitted its decision resulted from public campaigning against the plans.

Europe-wide student campaigning against the proposal has been continuing for months but the issue has not attracted much media attention in Britain.

Despite this, People & Planet UK launched its own Students on an anti-GATS student campaign against protest in London

Part time jobs, long-term effects Judith Clay reports A RECENT survey conclusively revealed for the first time that students who have term time jobs are jeopardizing their academic performance.

The survey conducted by South Bank University stated that students who work more than 16 hours a week are rewarded with significantly lower marks than other finalyear candidates.

Report Co-author Ruth Van Dyke commented that these patterns of student work “threatened key assumptions

underpinning the teaching style in higher education.”

In response to this survey, Higher Education Minister Margaret Hodge announced a major survey that looked into student hardship and how it will be affected by white paper changes.

Ms Hodge said, “Low paid work is a good life experience for a pretty privileged bunch of young people.”

But she said that the balance between work and study has to be right. Ms. Hodge also asked “what is legitimate for the state to subsidize?” arguing that “large

drinks and mobile phone bills” should not be the responsibility of the state.

Ms Hodge also challenged findings put forward from a separate report entitled Student Debt: The Impact on Participation in Higher Education which said that debt deterred students with less disposable income.

“Nine out of ten students with 2 A levels go on to University,” Ms. Hodge stated.

“Are we better in investing our limited resources into student support to deal with debt or into schools to raise standards?”

Cardiff University Equal Opportunities Welfare Officer Emma Bebington sees this survey as “narrow minded”.

She said, “It seems to lack any real evidence to support its conclusions as many students don’t have a choice but to work to pay rent.

“The type of job is important. If you are working in a bar until 4am then how are you expected to make it to 9am lectures?

The Department of Education and Skills has commissioned a smaller scale report to re-analyse the case of student hardship.

Students could ‘face’ higher earnings Simon Baylis reports STUDENTS MAY soon have a new income source marketing firm ‘Cunning Stunts’ is offering them money to advertise on their foreheads.

Students involved would be given nearly £90 a week to have a temporary tattoo of a company logo on their head.

The only catch is that the student would have to show the tattoo in public for a minimum of three hours a day.

This new campaign is typical of the creative and eccentric approach taken by Cunning Stunts which has attracted big name clients such as the men’s magazine FHM and the Yellow Pages.

The agency is best known for projecting a naked image of the TV presenter Gail Porter

onto the Houses of Parliament.

Cunning Stunts director John Carver explained the initiative.

“This unusual idea gives any participating brand a unique advertising medium as well as giving something back to the students.”

The promotion has received a mixed reaction from Cardiff students.

Earth Sciences undergraduate Chris Pointer said “I would give it a go.

“I think blokes would see it as a laugh whereas girls are more self conscious.”

Computer Science student Chris Allen was less keen.

He said, “I can see the irony of having the logo for Brains bitter on your head.

“But are you going to be able to do things like get a job with a tattoo on your face?”

Cardiff student Shaun

Howes added, “People already have the Nike swoosh and things shaved into their hair so the logos could become fashion accessories.

“I think it depends on the logo. I wouldn’t do it personally.”

The campaign is likely to prove controversial in targeting poor and desperate students.

President of NUS Wales Tom McGarry said, “It’s sad that some people may feel this is one of the only ways to get through university.”

The promotion is currently being launched at Leeds, Manchester, Oxford and Roehampton universities. If the campaign proves popular Cunning Stunts plan to extend to the rest of the UK. Until then Cardiff students will have to head to other universities to take part.

Is this the future of advertising?

Page 4

Uni Merger

February 17 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

A match made in heaven?

Did you know that Cardiff University could be getting a whole lot bigger very soon? Rhiannon Davies takes a look at the Alliance Project between Cardiff Uni and the University of Wales College of Medicine and finds out what it will mean for all of us

PHOTOS: TRISTAN CHATFIELD

Y

t w o full members of our Union - Medicine, Life and Health of sport, will increase in the OU MAY not realise it meeting. s t u d e n t s ’ with implications for room Sciences and a College of Cardiff University AU merger. yet, but Cardiff “Everything in Cardiff unions will merge into one, booking, use of facilities, bus Humanities and Sciences – the University as you know President Polly Hills has been liasing with the vice- University Students’ Union and it looks likely that UWCM services and even simply the present Cardiff University. it is set to radically change.

Despite criticisms of the Our university is poised to chancellor for some time and will be affected, sabbatical will become part of Cardiff numbers of people in Jive structure of the proposal, the merge with the Welsh College is worried about the effect the roles will have to be re-jigged University’s Union with non- every week.

The merger proposal would vice-chancellor is adamant officers to make sure all students are sabbatical of Medicine, creating Wales’ merger will have on the AU. She said, “The merger fully represented, and the representing medical students. also mean that teaching and that the proposal – titled the largest and most important The Union already provides research between Cardiff Alliance Project - will get seems to be most beneficial in services and facilities will higher education institution.

The research-based merger business terms. I was initially have to work to attract a large range of services to University and UWCM will approval for funding and will which weren’t Cardiff students and some become more collaborative go on to make Cardiff a aims to create a world-class very concerned that the students have expressed concerns that and schools will be able to world-class university. of student directly catered for before.” university of a size and range importance Speaking at the meeting last If the merger project goes these may come under greater interact with each other and of expertise fit for a capital activities and sports hadn’t Tuesday, Dr Grant outlined city. It is estimated that once been considered. The merger ahead, it could mean that the strain once 4,000 medics are share research projects. his vision for complete it COUNTDOWN TO MERGER the merged will have over institution.

2 0 , 0 0 0 Jan 02: The VCs establish Jan 96: Partnership Board Early 03: Full proposals for and chair the “Alliance Project “ F r o m students, Jul 02: The Councils of Cardiff Uni and the established to promote even merger available for Working Group” of senior Oct 02: Merger Steering College of Medicine agree to merger. closer teaching and research consideration managers from both e x t e r n a l 4 , 5 0 0 Group holds its first meeting Alliance briefing for 100 representatives of both collaboration institutions. institutions pressures, such members of as the staff and an Government’s a n n u a l Jan 02: Welsh Assembly recommends Apr 02: Full report of Aug 02: Sir Graeme that the University and College of White Paper on turnover of Jul 02: Sir Graeme Davies, Oct 02: Merger subgroups Alliance Project Davies, VC of Glasgow Medicine find ways of working closer VC of Glasgow University, August 2004: anticipated hold their first meetings Working Group recUniversity, named as s t u d e n t a r o u n d together. named as impartial Chair of date for full, formal ommends a merger. impartial Chair of Merger The institutions welcome the Merger Steering Group merger of two institutions finance, we £300million.

Steering Group recommendation. can see the H o w e v e r, importance in some have Ben Greenwood, Vice being interdisciplinary and raised concerns that the two will only be beneficial if funds President of UWCM Students’ creating larger yet fewer institutions will not go can support both Medics and Union, concluded “If the centres of excellence. together as well as university Cardiff University students.

“Through the merger we merger is done well it is bosses hope. Others believe The increase in participation can benefit the whole of definitely a good thing. the motives behind the merger from the two unions merging “If it’s done badly, I don’t Wales. The merger plus are more about money than could mean a strain on think it will go backwards but funding will equal huge improving teaching quality facilities.” it will be an opportunity lost.” success and will have long The merger could have farand student life.

Following the Merger term benefits.”

What is certain is that the reaching consequences for the Union President Caz Noyes Steering Group’s latest merger will provide a massive way sports are played at both “I am only “If the “I am aware of “I don’t know meeting on February 4, an summed up the view of most institutions. cash boost to the university. aware of it merger will the merger the details, open meeting for Cardiff student leaders involved.

At present both Cardiff David Grant, Vice from university financially and think it is but if it “The merger is a good idea University students and staff Chancellor of Cardiff University and UWCM have emails and I benefit the a good idea, means more there are lots of positive took place on February 11.

University, was honest about their own Athletic Unions and don’t even university but it has to money then it read them At the meeting, the vice- aspects to it,” she said. his motives for pushing the the merger could present and raise work both may improve anyway.

Cardiff’s ways to be “However, I can see the chancellor provided an problems for student sport project forward. teaching Nobody seems profile, then successful.” update of the merger process fear that some Medics have of “The seedcorn funding that teams at both institutions. quality.” to know much it will benefit - Richard - Kim Venn, and presented a suggested being absorbed into Cardiff Polly Hills continued, we are asking for will create a about it” everyone.”

Burden, Year Year 2, model of how the merged University. It is a complex substantial increase in annual “There is no reason why the - Paul Warren, - Lydia 4, Marine Psychology issue and it will not please institutions would exist. turnover…

I am a merger can not be beneficial Postgraduate Thomas, Year Geography The most likely outcome is everyone but I believe it is a businessman and it is just too for both Athletic Unions, as Law 2, Business the creation of two separate step forward for Cardiff and good an opportunity to miss,” the budgets and equipment of colleges, a College of Wales as a whole.” he told a recent staff-student clubs, as well as the standard

The merger: your views

News

February 17 2003

Page 5

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

CRIME FILE

Cardiff Jackass boys hit MTV Robbie Lane reports

CASH SCAM A TEAM of criminals are operating a scam on certain cash dispensers in the local area.

A device is being placed into the machine to prevent cards from being ‘read’. One of the team of thieves will then wait behind you, suggesting that you try putting in your card again and they will note your pin number.

The cash card will remain in the machine and the victims will assume that their card has been swallowed up.

The thief will then remove your card and know your pin number.

If at any time your card is apparently retained by a cash machine, contact your bank straight away.

If the bank did not retain the card you should cancel your card straight away and contact police as soon as possible.

HOUSE ADVICE SEVERAL STUDENT houses have been targeted by burglars in the last week.

The premises, in the student village area, were entered when students were out for the evening.

All entries were made via the ground floor of the properties.

Local police are advising students to leave lights on even in empty houses and to make sure that all locks are used, even on windows.

VIDEO CAR IN ACTION THE STUDENTS’ Union Security team has begun patrolling local streets with a video car.

The car is intended to protect students whilst they are walking home in the evening.

It is hoped that the car will also act as a deterrent for people who are intent on commiting offences against students in the area.

If the video car sees any incident it will be recorded to provide evidence for the police in order to bring criminals to the dock.

The car is seen as a prime example of a partnership between police and students can make the local area a safer place for Cardiff students.

If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444.

PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/content/police.

THREE CARDIFF blokes have made a name for themselves as the ‘British Jackass’ and now have their own show on MTV. Welshmen Matt Pritchard, Lee Dainton, Pancho and Londoner Dan Joyce are ‘Dirty Sanchez’: the show MTV describe as “raw, ugly and offensive”.

Pritchard, Dainton and Pancho got together on the skate parks of Cardiff and have spent the last two years perfecting their trade.

The first episode of the show was screened on MTV UK last week.

It treated viewers to such wonders as Dainton receiving a rugby conversion kick up his backside, Joyce doing things on a scooter that could get you arrested and Pritchard standing on top of a ten foot ladder whilst a Skoda Jackass USA: but Welsh stunters are now on MTV trundled towards him at He said, “Kids like these it rubbernecking in the States.

15mph.

“No matter who you are, The grand finale of the are so fame-hungry they’re show is a truly horrific game being exploited. They’re it’s perfectly natural to turn uninsured and so they don’t your head and look at a of naked paintball.

The boys are already get compensated for injuries. traffic accident.

“Shows like Jackass just achieving national notoriety, They’re being exploited by and the show was recently ruthless b**tards for hardly put the accident on your TV screen. described as “making Jackass any reward.”

“The bottom line is, I think Steve-O once had his look like the Royal buttocks pierced together and we all find comfort in other Shakespeare Company”.

Steve-O, who features in every follicle of his hair people’s pain.”

A preview of Dirty ‘Jackass: The Movie’ has removed. He is also alleged recently spoken out against to set himself alight on a Sanchez’s antics is on the programmes such as Dirty nightly basis. He continued to MTV UK website and the the recent show can be seen (on MTV) Sanchez, despite his own explain phenomenon saying, “We call on Wednesdays at 10.30pm. success.

gair rhydd ...World Roundup...

COURT RULES ON CAT SUSSEX: Brighton Crown Court has made a landmark decision to force a cat shelter manager to give out the address of an escaped cat’s new home.

Susie and Paul Wainman of Portslade, Sussex took Fiveways Cat Shelter to court to force them to reveal the whereabouts of their cat’s

new home after it ran away and was rehoused.

Cat shelter manager had given Saffie a new home, but originally refused to give out the address.

The court has given him seven days to reveal the address, but Mr and Mrs Wainman are still not reunited with their pet. They feel their struggle may not be over.

Mrs Wainman said, “She is so loveable. No one could be quick to give her up.”

Saffie: centre of attention

Anna Hodgekiss reports WANT TO get out of paying those tuition fees back after university? Declare yourself bankrupt.

A loophole in bankruptcy laws is making the option increasingly attractive to graduates with outstanding debts, throwing the government’s plans to triple tuition fees into chaos.

Guidelines issued last month by the government’s Insolvency Service added student loans to the list of debts which can be cancelled out by bankruptcy.

Speedier insolvency procedures will soon enable graduates to declare themselves bankrupt and be debt free within a year.

This may lead to them taking a year off after graduation while filing for bankruptcy before attempting to establish their careers with a clean financial slate.

The government is determined however to close the loophole ahead of the introduction of the new funding system, due to come into effective in 2006.

This has embarrassed Education Secretary Charles Clarke as he prepares to embark on a nation wide tour promoting higher fees.

“Graduates should not see this as an easy route for clearing debts”, said a spokesperson for Mr Clarke.

But while attractive to the poorer graduate, the act of claiming bankruptcy to get out of student debts definitely does have its pitfalls.

People who are declared bankrupt cannot take certain jobs. So be warned those accountants, lawyers and potential Members of Parliament or business owners among you: this is not a viable option for you!

Credit ratings, graduate employment prospects and the ability to obtain a mortgage will all be adversely affected following annulment.

Despite this, some insolvency experts still maintain that graduates freeing themselves of £30,000 immediately is a better credit risk than someone still trying to pay it off.

The NUS has been inundated with calls from debtridden students wanting to know how to do this and if it really is a viable option to clear student loans.

Talking about the issues, NUS President Mandy Telford commented “Students are a savvy bunch and will cotton onto this quickly.

The real issue here is not whether or not student debt can be wiped out by filing for bankruptcy, but why some students may be considering this as an option. The university experience offers many things, one thing it should not offer is a fast track to bankruptcy.”

A spokesperson for the Department of Education and Skills recently maintained that bankruptcy was “not a step most young people should take.”

She could not yet confirm when the offending loophole would be closed.

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at the places and people making the headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World of more than 100 staff.

Other changes to the body will mean the abolition of the separate regional arts boards.

Artists from all over England will now fill in the same application form when seeking funding.

OUR LADY OF BONDI BEACH AUSTRALIA: A fence post near Bondi Beach in Sydney was being venerated by

£70,000 REBRAND ‘OF’ AND ‘THE’ ENGLAND: After spending £70,000 to change his organisation’s logo from ‘The Arts Council of England’ to ‘Arts Council England’, Chairman Gerry Robinson said the rebrand was “a far better result for everyone”.

The change took a year to debate and involved the loss

Bankruptcy - the way to clear your debt?

The Chairman of Arts Council England

thousands as an apparition of the Virgin Mary - until vandals tore it down.

Believers said the white fence post on a cliff over the beach at Coogee showed a profile of the Virgin Mary in a shawl when viewed from about 300 metres away.

“Some people see her, some don’t. You have to believe,” one worshipper said.

“It’s like those 3D images you see in magazines - you have to stare and suddenly it all becomes clear,” said another.

Some say she appeared to comfort Australians worried about a potential US-led war on Iraq, but that had not prevented angry confrontations between devotees and sceptics at the site.

Dominic Sullivan, the mayor for the area, has ordered council workers to put the fence post back up,

but he could not give any assurance to devotees that the image would return.

"It’ll be pretty close to where it was before, but I can’t guarantee the miracle, I can’t guarantee that I can get the Lady back. But I tell you what, it’ll be a great coup if I could," Sullivan told Reuters.

The Mail helpfully blurs its photo of the fencepost in an effort to make the phenomenon - well, clearer.

Sacred: the Holy Post

Editorial & Opinion

Page 6

February 17 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

Defending the right to kill anyone gair rhydd EDITORIAL

I

can’t believe it is nearly a year ago that I, and the other executive officers, put ourselves forward for election nominations. All the campaigning; trawling around the university and union, drumming up support and votes, seems an absolute lifetime ago. Soon though, it will all be happening again, and some other keen student will be stepping into our, now rather well-worn, shoes.

Those still unsure of the actual positions within the union may find it useful to flick through our election pages, which offer a brief outline of each sabbatical and nonsabbatical role. If you fancy knowing a little more, then visit those currently doing the job, and we can let you know some of the finer details.

The exec roles are hard, occasionally take over your life and cause much stress, no joke.

But on the other hand, they are a real challenge. And I’m not being a Union mouthpiece, before you think it, I’m writing this because for me, in this job, it is true.

Even if you would never consider running in the elections yourself, maybe it is worth taking a look into what us officers do. It is our job to reflect student opinion, and that is impossible if no-one knows anything about any of us. If you are unhappy about something university or union related, then let us know. It may even inspire you to run yourself. What could you bring to the job that you feel it is lacking at present? Surely that is worth thinking about?

Rhys James writes

O

h how proud I feel to sit here allied to the United States of America.

After all, the US is the self proclaimed arch-defender of civic freedom and human rights, promoter of functioning democracy and exponent of liberty in a diverse and respecting society.

And executor of mentally ill and juvenile offenders.

At this very moment, a British-born man found guilty

of murder, with diagnosed extreme paranoid schizophrenia, is languishing on death row in the US having been convicted as a juvenile in the seventies.

He lost his appeal last November, on the basis that as long as he takes his medication he is sane.

Presumably this refers to the degree of his sanity at the time of offence, rather than the threat he would continue to pose to the outside world, which he is never likely to enter again.

The consequence of all of this legal nicety is this.

Should this man medicate, then he exposes himself to the probability of being executed in the near future.

Should he decide not to

medicate he will be consigning himself to a lifetime of mental purgatory in prison.

Public death through execution or the hell of acute insanity. Nice choice. Surely the sign of a civilised, highly sophisticated and compassionate legal system and culture? Not at all medieval or barbaric?

In Mississippi, an almost identical case continues to be highlighted by a British lawyer.

A prisoner, convinced he is God, with the concomitant result that death is not too much of a concern. He remains unaware that his lawyer, on his behalf, is being presented by the state with the choice between a sane death, or continuing to live, howling in his death

juveniles to death. Four are, unsurprisingly, stratified nations famed for their human rights abuse, such as Oman or Saudi Arabia.

The fifth is that bastion of freedom and respect of human rights, the United States.

In Britain, I am left glad to see my taxes spent sending my countrymen to the foreign lands to spill the blood of themselves and many countless innocents.

This comes with exposing me to the threat of providing others the added incentive to post nerve agent into my water supply.

All this is in the name of Anglo-American alliance and defending modern civilisation and human rights as we know it.

So can celebrities really have any privacy?

Rhiannon Davies writes

W

ho could have missed the pictures of Catherine Zeta Jones and husband Michael Douglas arriving at London’s High Court last week?

A whole selection of journalists and photographers were out on the day, striving to get a perfect view of the Hollywood stars.

The celebrity couple caused a stir of media attention outside the court for that very reason – they were there to give evidence about unofficial wedding

photos, which had been published by Hello!

Magazine, despite the couple’s sale of the exclusive photo rights to rival magazine OK! for £1 million.

Zeta Jones and Douglas are now suing Hello! magazine, with claims that the whole affair ruined their wedding day.

Guests at the high-security wedding were forbidden to take pictures and only photos from the OK! photographer were allowed.

It is indeed understandable that people who are in the public eye, such as Catherine and Michael, would want to protect themselves and their families from unofficial paparazzi shots of what should be a special and private day. However, what remains to me a complete

TALKBACK

contradiction is that whilst the couple are now upset that unapproved photos were published by one magazine, they also sold the wedding pictures to another. Surely celebrities really can’t have it both ways.

If a celebrity sells out just once to a glossy celeb magazine, they have put themselves in the firing line for future pictures – whether desirable or not.

Photographers will always have a job to do and editors will always want pictures.

To me, a normal person living in the real world, it seems that once a celebrity Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones becomes famous they are then bit more like the rest of us – If Catherine Zeta Jones seen as an uber-person, a after a while nobody will be really doesn’t want to be superbeing, and everything interested in taking pictures bothered by scoop-hungry they do – no matter how of her picking her nose, or mundane becomes a subject of photographers, then maybe God forbid, eating! she should try and live life a interest for celebrity vultures.

Off with their ads!

Where you can put your views on our news “A concerned ENCAP postgrad” writes

I

row cell, and rolling around in his own excrement.

The system of judicial punishment relies, ostensibly at least, upon three purposes: Protection (of the public); Punishment (as a deterrent); and rehabilitation.

The use of the death penalty, even generally, fails to meet any of these three goals – the crime rate, even from state to state, irrespective of the use of execution, is unaffected.

But to carry out such punishment on prisoners whose culpability, let alone guilt, could be in question, or to leave them the ultimatum of insanity or death is quite, quite beyond description.

Only five nations in the whole world will sentence

n response to LaDonna Hall’s article about John Pilger, ‘Still reporting the issues that matter’, in GR 734.

I have no problem with Pilger’s programme, but only with her article.

First, Ms Hall has her basic facts wrong. She states that “the Independent Television Commission have ruled that his documentary ‘Palestine Is Still The Issue’ could not be found guilty of a bias towards the Palestinian people.”

Ms Hall clearly hasn’t read the ITC’s report on this programme. The ITC do not claim this programme is unbiased, they point out “it approached a complex and emotionally charged subject from a clearly discernible direction” and that “programme makers can come at subject matter from particular directions so long as facts are respected and opposing viewpoints represented.”

Ms Hall’s article contains several worrying and untrue statements: for example, her reference to “pro-Jewish groups in America.”

This false conflation of ‘Jew’ with ‘Israeli’ is

often used by those commentators who are not motivated by justified criticism of Sharon’s government, but by prejudice against Jews across the world.

This merging of all Jews with Israel is why many British Jews, like myself, who have no connection with Israel, are suffering because of the current situation in the Middle East, just as many British Muslims have suffered in the aftermath of September 11.

I sincerely hope that Ms Hall has repeated these myths in her article because she has not really investigated the subject, and not because she has any racist motivations.

LaDonna responds: It concerns me very greatly that you construed my piece as ‘racist’.

I can assure you that I wrote purely out of a genuine interest in the reporting of the Middle East and the challenges faced by reporters such as John Pilger to achieve journalistic integrity.

I did in fact read the ITC report and was struck by its decision that Pilger conducted a fair investigation; it seems I may not have expressed this adequately.

I realise that this is a subject that needs careful representation and you are certainly right to voice your concerns.

Got an opinion on our opinons? E-mail us at greditorial@hotmail.com with a 300-word piece

Alex Macpherson writes The news that students are being paid to have corporate logos temporarily tattooed on to their foreheads is, in many ways, hardly surprising.

It’s a logical progression in a culture in which branding is ubiquitous. Not only do billboards and TV commercials provide a constant barrage of product placement in our lives, but areas of everyday life previously conceptualised as “private” have increasingly been used as vehicles for advertising. It already seems that every second student is effectively a mobile corporate hoarding, with the inexplicable popularity of sweaters brashly proclaiming their Hilfiger or Nike origins refusing to abate.

It’s accurate, then, to defend this advertising innovation on the grounds that it barely differs from existing means of getting one’s brand into the public eye.

True, it’s not a scheme which will appeal to the credibility-conscious student – but then, it’s not as if Reebok baseball caps are worn by anyone other than walking fashion disasters.

And, to many, it’s a spot of easy cash: good money for zero effort.

Yet the point is the extent to which such means of advertising corrode one’s own individuality, surely the very thing which university is supposed to help develop. Do you really believe that a company should be able to take advantage of a person’s financial situation to buy up their body? What happens when that company decides that an individual’s image doesn’t fit what they wish to project, and demands that they conform to a corporate-approved style? Advertising doesn’t just have the capacity to

manipulate those it’s aimed at, but also those who communicate it.

It’s also indicative of the way in which companies tend not to see people, but rather objects to be moulded, whether as walking billboards or brainless consumers; underlying such gimmicks is an assumption that a corporation should be able to construct - to brand - the individual person.

With new evidence emerging which suggests that advertising is vastly less effective than previously assumed, it may be that this is not a path which companies will choose to pursue, and will remain a mere novelty for desperate, imageobsessed companies such as the terminally uncool FHM. Yet the fact that it has been set in place reveals the extent to which both company and ordinary person are willing to collude for the sake of profit, and the altogether unappetising prospects in place should such a scheme expand and grow.

gair rhydd 17 02 03

Elections • 07

Cardiff University Students’ Union

2003 Elections Non sabbatical and sabbatical elections Who edits the newspaper?

Who oversees all the societies?

Who oversees all the Athletic Union activities?

Who runs the Radio Station?

Who works with the Community?

If you are a women, disabled, lesbian and bisexual, gay and bisexual, postgraduate, black or Ethnic, International, mature, or Welsh : Who is in charge of making sure that your voice is heard and running campaigns for you?

Who campaigns on issues of student hardship?

Who is in charge of the Environmental Policy of the Union?

Ethical

&

Who looks after your welfare needs, be it Housing, Health or Equal Opportunities ?

Who oversees all the Commercial Activities – the bars, nightclubs, the Great Hall and the Shop?

The answers to all these questions is

Who looks after your academic needs and represents you to the University ?

the Union Executive

Roles of the sabbatical and non sabbatical officers :: How to become one :: Results of recent elections

08• Elections

gair rhydd 17 02 03

2003 Elections The Union Executive The Union Executive consists of 8 Sabbatical (full-time paid) posts: President Societies and Union Secretary Academic Affairs Officer Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer Gair Rhydd Editor Athletic Union President Finance and Commercial Services Officer Communications and Community Officer

and 14 part-time Non Sabbaticals: Womens Officer Black and Ethnic Affairs Officer Student with Disabilities Officer Mature Students Officer Postgraduate Students Officer Welsh Affairs Officer International Students Officer Lesbian and Bisexual Officer Gay and Bisexual Officer AU Vice President (x2) Inter Mural Games Chair Deputy Editor of Gair Rhydd Xpress Radio Station Manager.

For more information contact Caz Noyes at NoyesC@cf.ac.uk or attend the workshops on 20 and 24 February at 6pm in the Council Room on the fourth floor of the Union.

Election dates Nominations: Open: 20 February at 12pm – Forms are available from Rona Griffiths on the Third Floor of the Student Unions.

So are YOU thinking of running for election?

Close: 27 February at 5pm – Forms must be handed back into Rona Griffiths by 5pm.

Come to the workshops on Thursday 20 February or Monday 24 February These workshops will give you information about what it means to be a Director of a multi-million pound company and a Student Representative for 15,000 students. It is also the chance to learn a lot more about the individual jobs and ask the current Sabbaticals questions. It is highly recommended that you attend these talks even if you are only thinking about running for election. For those who miss the first talk, another one will be run on Monday 24th February at 6pm in the Council Room.

Dates for your diary Campaigning begins on Friday 7 March at 5pm.

Student Union Council (the Governing body of the Union which all officers are accountable to) on Tuesday 11 March at 6.30pm in the Council Room.

Question Time takes place on Thursday 13 March in the Council Room.

gair rhydd 17 02 03

Elections • 09

2003 Elections

Elections Results Results from the elections for the Mature Students Officer and NUS Delegates for the NUS and NUS Wales conferences

Mature Students Officer

NUS Delegates

LAST WEDNESDAY saw voting for Mature Students Officer. Janine Jones faced R.O.N in her campaign to win the post. Janine had an confident victory and revealed that she was very relieved about her win.

The New Mature Students Officer is looking forward to her time in office and sees her major aim for the rest of the year to rejuvenate the Mature Students Society. Janine is keen that Mature Students get in contact with her, so she can concentrate on campaigning on Mature student issues.

Chris Brown, a mature student studying Mechanical Engineering said, “I’m really pleased this position has been filled at last. It’s not easy for older people when they get to university and to have someone who they can go to to help them is great.”

You can contact Janine at jonesjh@cf.ac.uk

VOTING ALSO took place for the election of delegates to National Union of Students Conference and NUS Wales Conference.

The Conferences are concerned with deciding the policies that NUS will follow for the year and NUS Conference will debate such motions as Education Funding and Reform of NUS. A number of votes were cast in the Union, Humanities and Talybont and Laura Welsh, Mark Cobley and Bridget Warren achieved impressive results in the first round.

A total number of 11 Delegates were elected to NUS Conference, including Union Executive Officers Caz Noyes, Chris Dixon, Minelle Gholami, Mel Whitter and David Manning.

The NUS Wales Conference delegates will be David

Manning, Mark Cobley, Mel Whitter and Alex Gounelas.

The Cardiff delegation will be travelling to Aberystwyth for the Conference from 14-16 March.

Elected Delegates to NUS UK CONFERENCE : Alex Gounelas Chris Dixon Minelle Gholami Mark Cobley Mel Whitter Michael Faber

Andrew Pearce Caz Noyes Bridget Warren Laura Welsh David Manning

10 • Classifieds

gair rhydd 17 02 03

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

●

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

●

25 pence per bold word

●

30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

Across: 3 7 8 10 13 16 17 18 21 22 23 26 29 32 33

Separate grain from husks (6) Sports field (5) Good-Looker (coll.) (7) Rascal (5) Chink or flaw (5) Downward distance (5) To a position on (4) Leaves out (5) Ridge of rock (4) Kangaroo’s home for a joey (5) House made of ice (5) Too close fitting (5) High chest of drawers (7) Pious (5) Spanish stew (6)

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS

ACCOMMODATION

SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on ssufc1@cardiff.ac.uk Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk Keep your eyes peeled for the new mature students details and email. How exciting!

It’ll be good to have the positioned filled, at long last.

ROOM AVAILABLE in Mackinstosh Place to share with five girls. Includes all mod. cons. and large lounge and kitchen with two bathrooms. £195 per month.

Phone 02920630103 or 07714202683 2 rooms available for next year on Mackintosh Place to share with 4 girls.

Newly refurbished all mod cons including tumble drier. £50 per week. Call 07855349146 Luxury room available immediately. Suit student/ working female. Lisvane Street. £210 pcm. Tel 20667037 or 07966175284.

MISCELLANEOUS 486 Laptop with printer. Good for word processing. £50. Contact Becky on 07899980525

EMPLOYMENT Miscellaneous is the place for all your unclassifiable messages, that would be shout-outs, birthdays, well, just about anything really. Be heard!

For sale: One set of teeth. Possible male.

Only two fillings. Original owner’s age estimated at 73 (at time of death). £100 o.n.o.

Earn £££s working with dangerous animals. Full life insurance and suicide pills provided. Contact 02920 781434.

I’ve got a brand new combine harvester - and I’ll give you the key. PO Box 418666 Porno, porno, porno! - see above number

Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine Open ‘til 11, seven days a week.

Coffee bar with BYO license!

Own roasted coffee.

Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300

Christ almighty, this section used to be stuffed with pictures of ‘crazy’ students doing all kinds of ‘crazy’ things with their ‘crazy’ friends. Why no more? So a plea; please, please get some random pix of yourselves doing whatever it is that you do, so long as it’s legal. Hell, even if it’s not we’re not going to tell anyone. I’m confident that as soon as some mug sends in a picture of themselves in a bath with their flatmates or some such similar nonsense the the proverbial avalanche of the kind of truly ‘miscellaneous’ rubbish that we love will come cascading through the doors of the gair rhydd office.

Oh, by the way, do make sure you put gair rhydd’s number in your phone, it’s 0 7 7 9 1 1 6 5 8 3 7. Text us, go on.

On another note, when handing in a Classified, please take them down to the Union’s Finance department before you bring them to the GR office. It’ll save the trip back up those damn stairs.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

CROSSWORD

WIN! From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

So, let’s have some shout-outs. Word up to Edwin, Danielle and John, B B Allen, Chris, Fudge, The Loves, John Mouse, Jah Bushell, Rixondale, Dyf, Dan Onions, and the Northern Mafia. gair rhydd: part man, part woman, part horse - all rock!

Well now, how are my little crossword-maniacs today then? I can tell that you’re just itching to seize the nearest biro and scribble away manically until no clue is left unsolved. Good for you. Why not squeeze a little more ink out of the pen and complete the form to the right and bring it to us in our office on the fourth floor of the Union?

Come up with a tie-breaker that’s wittier than everyone elses and you’ll soon find yourself straddled on a chair awaiting the most lipsmackingly delicious nosh-up you could care to imagine, all free. Lucky you.

Down: 1 2 4 5 6 8 9 10 11 12 14 15 19 20 24 25 27 28 30 31

Public beach to be found in venice (4) Biscuit colour (4) That man (3) Not hard (4) Shade (3) Place with curative mineral springs (3) Glancing rebound (8) Forward on (8) American burrowing animal (6) Nymph who loved Narcissus (4) Small bed (3) Nor given due recognition (6) Attack and rob in a public place (3) Pimple (4) Place or set down (3) Take flight (4) Religious symbol (4) Mini mountain? (4) Measure of a fuse’s capacity (abbrev.) (3) Substance obtained from olives (3)

NAME:__________________________ EMAIL:__________________________ BARBIE OR SINDY?:______________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Last for tnight’s answers:

Across: 7, Domino 8, Entire 9, Rum 10, Abed 11, Band 12, Yob 14, Ether 17, Satyre 19, Atoll 20, Rugby 22, Yeast 24, Arc 26, Brag 28, Neap 29, Tub 30, Plasma 31, Luxury Down: 1, Wombat 2, Mild 3, Forty 4, Demob 5, Stub 6, Trendy 13, Odour 15, Hag 16, Ray 17, Sly 18, Tea 21, Unroll 23, Starry 24, Altar 25, Cable 27, Gasp 28, Next

gair rhydd 17 02 03

Comment • 11

passing

COMMENT

MY HEART TRUER THAN TONGUE CONFESS THY TERROR, O CHRIST, O GOD/HORSE PORN/FOLLOW THE BEAR/ROLLERDISCO/ONE BOY, BOY FOR SALE/CHOIR NEWS/ONIONS By Filthy McNasty

AMAN THAT IS BORN OF n example of the decline of the British literary tradition, showcased in several parts...

has all been worthwhile. YEAH RIGHT! Frankly, my dears, you can all fuck right off. I don’t write this for you, or anyone for that matter. I only carry on with this column because I can think of you ploughing on through this muck, just to see if it gets any better, even though you know it won’t. I never made out that I was a nice person, and indeed I’m not.

As far as this writer is concerned, anything that will remind you readers of the endless, meaningless vortex of chaos and horror that constitutes our daily existence, stirs the bloody chambers of my black heart. The most fun you could have without a sackful of kittens, some bricks and a canal.

professional 18. Get into grindcore/death metal 19. Take lots of drugs 20. Burn out or fade away. These, my otters, are twenty things to do before you turn thirty.

Perhaps you might like to share your own lists with the other readers of gair rhydd by sending them either to me or to Letters. On the other hand, you might consider list-making a pathetic and anal pastime.

May I ask you a question, just to clear a niggling doubt? Okay, here goes: how many of you actually made/wore the special gair rhydd hats from last issue?

Answers by telepathic projection, text message, email or letter, please.

down with the clowns.

Reports have just reached us that A.J. Holland, the current owner of the popular Lancashire firm, Holland’s Pies, is to found a special university “to help people get into Heaven”. Holland, 57, who is the grandson of J.P. Holland, the company’s founder, has been in the bakery trade for most of his life. Speaking on Tuesday, Mr. Holland attacked the increasing moral complacency of the educational system: “Young people are graduating from university with whatever faith they had in God and man shaken to the very core. I am founding this university to try and redress the balance. The very moral nature of Britain is in danger.” Students will live in special halls of residence, and will be taught a series of modules on a variety of theological and moral problems. It has been speculated that several courses will focus on the relationship between faith, morality and metaphor, particular the metaphor of baking several trays of pies between lectures. The university would be situated in the beautiful countryside of the Lancashire-Yorkshire border, conveniently near to Holland’s main production centre. After speaking to the press, Mr. Holland produced a large tray of meat-and-potato, offering to sell them to the gathered press at a “special discount price”. - Reuters, yesterday

A WOMAN HATH BUT A SHORT TIME TO LIVE AND IS FULL OF MISERY

BLACK AND white as usual this time, I’m afraid. Pity me, dear readers, for after tasting Paradise in all its colours in the last issue, my return to mire of Hades that is normal existence has been made doubly painful. How low thou hast fallen, Lucifer, bright son of the morning! Well, that’s the usual histrionic start to the column over with. Make way for the cliches! Yeah, I know; I make too much use of exclamation marks in a self-styled ironic stylee. Quite an example of lazy journalism, of course, but what are you going to do about it? No, really: what? I mean, I wouldn’t exactly be hard to topple me from this ivory tower of shittalking and replace me with something relevant, would it? So get writing in, kids.

Ah, my dears, what a pleasure it is to be writing to you once again. Every time I sit down to type these few words, I smile, thinking of the joyous expression that wreathes the face of each reader, new or old, of gair rhydd. And if my little pieces can raise even one flicker of a smile on just one reader, then my endurance of constant and terrific pain

In homage to TV Desk’s list in the last issue of gair rhydd, I have decided to compile my own list of twenty things to do before you’re thirty. You lucky people.

1. Buy a record by Can 2. Bear false witness 3. Put lime in coconut, drink up together 4. Vomit blood 5. Become employed in a soul-destroying job 6.

Burn bridges 7. Drink an entire bottle of British fortified wine 8. Eat something directly out of the can 9. Go celibate for a couple of years 10. Have a somewhat drastic haircut 11. Follow the bear 12.

Listen to Goldie Lookin’ Chain 13. Make some rash purchases 14. Take it up the council 15. Be awarded an MBE 16.

Watch Columbo with a small degree of religious fervour 17. Cuckold a

Imagine a world without pies.

Horrible, isn’t it? Well, at least we can die happy in the knowledge that ours is a privileged world. Now that’s over, I should like to draw your attention to ‘Jesus rides again’ drama The Second Coming. Please, ITV, grant us this simple request: if you’re going to get theological on our ass, please be logically consistent.

If killing the earthly incarnation of God would thus kill God and destroy Heaven and Hell, then why didn’t this happen the last time around? Secondly, if God can die, then he must also have been born, which would contradict his omniscient and omnipotent nature. Surely, if God could die after creating everything, then why wait until now to do so? This would mean that the universe does not need God to sustain it, and that he would not have a necessary existence. Also, it was a rip-off of Nietzsche - “God is dead, and we have killed him”. Mind you, wasn’t Christopher Eccelston good? He can pickle my onions any time.

Speaking of matters Biblical, I hope that you’ve noticed my quotation behind the text. If memory serves, it’s from the book of Job. But who can tell me the chapter and verse? There’s a prize in it for the clever young scamp who can present me with the answer before next issue. Why this particular passage? I thought it would complement the mood of nihilistic rage expressed in the second paragraph, the one in a good cop/bad cop stylee. One of those characteristics is closer to my own - but which one? My, am I full of questions today.

What better way to spend an afternoon than with a case of the sniffles, assembling a cut-out model of Karl Marx, attempting to type one’s copy whilst a colleague shows off his new electric stapler? Honestly, that stapler is shit hot. All you have to do is plug it in, and stick whatever you want to be stapled in the gap. Bingo! It’s stapled instantaneously, with no effort required.

What’s more, it looks just like a whale.

Really. Man, it just doesn’t get any better than the gair rhydd office on a Thursday afternoon. It’s more fun than getting

Dustbin of History Clement de Clemanceau (1725-1794)

Enlightenment. His articles on music and theory arrived too late for collation, and to his annoyance some others by Rousseau were used. To make matters worse, the Duc’s son had taken a dislike to his father’s ‘plebian’ musician, and conspired to have de OF ALL the philosophers of the Continental Clemanceau’s contract revoked on trumped-up Enlightenment, Clement de Clemanceau has cruelly charges. From this moment on, Clement was to been forgotten, in the wake of others such as Diderot harbour a burning and Voltaire. However, republican streak and a students of Continental sense of the injustice of philosophy would do well to life in eighteenthtake an interest in him and century France. his life’s work.

Freed of his Clement was born into a obligations to serve the well-off agricultural family in nobility, de Clemanceau the small town of Merd-surspent his life attempting Monmartre, where thanks to to overthrow them. his father’s status he was able Working as a to gain a decent education. professional musician The young Clement had a around Paris, he natural affinity with music, associated with others of and was a keen violinist and a similar political harpsichordist. Indeed, his persuasion, and issued first ambition in life was to several seditious become a composer. At the pamphlets. During these age of fifteen he gained a years of his life he scholarship to the Ecole de published his Musique in Paris, a city FRENCH: de Clemanceau, who looked a masterworks, the where he was to spend most lot like Rousseau Discourse on Social of his life.

Equality (a study of the De Clemanceau was a allotment of croissant to merchant clerks) and keen student, and his ability was highly praised. By Discourse on Moral Cleanliness, a moving the time he was seventeen he had composed several description of the sexual diseases rife in certain instrumental suites and a short cantata, and was sections of Parisian society. Following the first throes attached to the court of the Duc D’Istortion, a musicof the Revolution, de Clemanceau did not keep a high loving nobleman. For the next ten years he remained profile, and thus escaped the horrors of the Great in the Duc’s service, where he had access to the Terror. That is, until one day in 1794, when he was nobleman’s expansive and eclectic library. It was here supervising an operation at the Opera House. A that he first became interested in philosophy and discussion with the foreman ended in a quarrel, and political thought, beginning with the Classics, before as de Clemanceau left the building a fortepiano switching his attentions to Locke and Bacon. landed on his head. What a cruel irony that music, the Although news reached him slowly, he heard about very thing that sustained him through life, would Diderot’s project for L’Encylopedie, the ambitious finally take his life away from him. project that would define this early stage of the

12 • Competitions

gair rhydd 17 02 03

BIG WIN CIRCUS ++ COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING ++

Get some clothes on, you dirty little whore H

I’ve told you once...

ow many times have you heard this off your dad, your priest, your local magistrate? It’s everyones’ right to go naked if they want to but it’s something that should be kept behind closed doors. Like homosexuality. Being nude in public is a crime that is punishable by death (more or less) and a gross evil that must be stamped out as quickly and violently as possible.

A no-clothes faux pas can be easily avoided by a trip to Topman. Is this competition sounding slightly familiar to anyone?

I could claim amnesia but to be honest, yes, we did run a similar one last year. Thing is, it was so good we had to do it again! After all, fashion never goes out of fashion (this kind of quip explains why I am writing for gair rhydd rather than a PR company).

We have a mighty two prizes of £25 Topman vouchers to give to you, the shameful naked What does the fashion industry call public, if you this time of year? can get your nude brain A: Pants Time around this B: Scarves Go Home cunning C: Spring/Summer Season conundrum.

T

he same rules apply to you, girls. Stop running around like a mad bint and get down to Miss Selfridge for some new duds.

To win £25 worth of Miss Selfridge vouchers to spend on Trucker Kate, Hip Hop Glam and Day Dreamer summer clothing, stick this question in your pipe and smoke it. Come on now, you could look pretty good for once too.

Win Topman vouchers

gairrhydd Drop your answers and pigeons into the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electronmail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps @ hotmail.com

The man with the tan

D

avid Dickinson. The idol.

The legend. The man Terry Wogan claims is ‘steeped in tea’.Indeed, for every action there must be an equal and opposite reaction. Have you seen just how white Michael Jackson is these days?

The Duke’s reputation as the messiah of popular antique Would you give this hunting is well deserved. Who among us has not been man house room? intrigued and delighted by his gnome-like face winking and laughing at us from the TV screen? No, not laughing at us... laughing with us.

Fans of Bargain Hunt and Lovejoy rejoice for we have copies of Mr. Dickinson’s new DVD special, Cheap As Chips, to give away. Marvel as DD travels the country visiting antique dealers and gallery owners. Absently stroke your own cheek as he offers his own invaluable advice on finding bargains. And then cuddle up in the spoon position as he reveals to you the innermost secrets of the antiques trade.

As the master himself says, ‘In this business you learn something new every day. Happy hunting!’. So think on.

To win a copy of this, David Dickinson’s Good News for all humankind, answer the token question below and send it hither post haste.

Win a David Dickinson DVD What is the name of DD’s antiques gameshow?

A: B: C:

Grab A Granny Rentaghost Bargain Hunt

Win Miss Selfridge vouchers Which of these is NOT a Miss Selfridge style this season?

A: B: C:

Trucker Kate Hip Hop Glam Pie Lover

From tiny acorn to mighty Oakenfold Win a pair of Paul Oakenfold albums What image is featured on the Bunkka and The Harder They Come album covers?

A: B: C:

S

Ladies Kelp Orphans

unglassed Dom Joly lookalike Paul Oakenfold is undeniably the High Prince of lite dance music, and so it is with great pleasure that we offer a selection of his albums to you, his dutiful public.

We have pairs of both Bunkka and The Harder They Come to give away, as well as an interview disc with the Oakster himself.Featuring vocals from such legends as Hunter S. Thompson and Nelly Furtado to such bleating chuff monkeys as Ice Cube and Crazy Town, this is a album bundle of extraordinary breadth.

To win a bundle of the two albums, simply answer the ridiculously easy question being worn by Paul as a rather fetching hat. This week’s Cryptic Hint is: ‘sealife or foundlings? Not on this cover, ma’am’. Go to it.

++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE TAT++

gair rhydd 17 02 03

Letters • 13

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight’s star letter wins a whole lotta love.

Dear gair rhydd, I’ve been following the recent comments from various sections of the media and music industry concerning gun crime and the glamourisation of violence in urban music, and I think that people are viewing the issue in purely black or white terms (by the way, a purely non-racial statement!) It seems that the two perspectives that one has to choose from are either that lyrics about violence and guns are pathetic sales-chasing tactics which corrupt the minds of the young and actively encourage murder, or that lyrical references to violence and guns are in fact honest reflections of the lives of the artists. But why is it assumed that all lyrics of these kind from every artist in the world are the product of one of these perspectives? For example a quick listen to NWA’s Straight Outta Compton album and it’s obvious that these artists are dealing with the issues they face in day to day life, which includes violence and guns. But Eminem? Are we really supposed to believe that lyrics about raping his own mother and murdering his wife are reflective of his day to day life? More like a pathetic conformity to the general principle that the more controversial a record’s content is, the more units it will sell.

This illustrates my point quite well. There’s no need to see everything as black or white, understand that a field as vast and encompassing as urban music has considerable internal variance in regards to the origin and purpose of its content. Like pretty much everything else in life.

Yours Skippidy-Dippidy 3rd Year Psychology Lettersdesk says: A good point Mr. (Ms. or Mrs.) Dippidy, and it serves well to confound any sweeping, ignorant comments that ‘finger on the pulse’ MPs might have made about a subject and indeed culture of which their knowledge is nothing.

Five Alive Dear gair rhydd, Just what in the hell do Channel Five think they are doing (or just Five, as their friends call them)? By putting Columbo on every weekday at 2:25 how the mothercrap do they expect any self-respecting individual such as myself to get anything done? My life is over, my free time has gone to the dogs and the very idea of doing any coursework or reading is laughable... all I can do now is watch the rumpled detective, it really is shocking, SHOCKING! Oh yeah, and just one more thing... why does his age fluctuate so much?

Can't they decide on one consistent era and stick to it? It's just not right! Not right at all.

Detective 'Bo Second Year Cathays Lettersdesk says: The man discovered an entire continent for Christ’s sake! Allow him a daytime TV spot on a sub-standard terrestrial station watched only by lethargic OAPs and bum students, it’s the least he deserves.

National Pride Dear gair rhydd, In reply to the Welsh writings of Issue 733. I am an Englishman in Wales. I study here and have lived in this country for four years. Yes, there are those holiday home owners and

those who denounce Welsh life, these are a minority. I wish that my countrymen were as proud of their culture, heritage and art as the Welsh.

Yet it is ironic that on the same letters page appears an arsonist's abetting and a plea for cultural tolerance. Wales you are safe. You are a glorious nation with Llareggub to worry about. Just don't be defensive, let us be proud too.

Jonny Wilkinson PS: You'll still lose to us in the Six Nations.

Lettersdesk says: Good point, anyone else got any view on this not involving the systematic torching of buildings?

Not Home Alone Dear gair rhydd, One thing that Martin Bashir didn't manage to capture was Michael Jackson's incredible generosity. For instance did you know that he's always giving children Mint Imperials? He used to give me one every time I stayed over (then I'd get my Mint Imperial).

Macaulay Culkin 3rd Year Ecology Lettersdesk says: This was, surprisingly enough, the only letter we received on the subject of good old Wacko. Does no-one care that one of the most influential cultural icons of the modern world sleeps in a bed with young children? And nearly hurls his own off balconies before vibrational torture disguised as feeding? Obviously not.

Sex-tra Topping Dear gair rhydd, Being a man who has a healthy amount of free time to fill of an afternoon most days of the week, I read the Comment section of your newspaper every edition. I was delighted to find out from an advert on that very page that at Dominos Pizzas there are, and I quote, “Interesting and fun positions now at Dominos Pizza”.

This makes me extremely excited, I’m just about to head down to try out the “Mushroom-Missionary” and the “Deep-’throat’-Pan” right now.

Richy 1st Year English Lettersdesk says: Well you have fun. Just make sure you don’t ask for a twelve-inch with a cheesy crust.

Rat Attack Dear gair rhydd, I have waited for some time now, trying to keep these dark thoughts of mine within the boundaries of my mind, but they must come out. No other publication has seen fit to print my letters, and so I turn to gair rhydd as a newspaper that has always been there for me.

Will someone please tell me why I am beset by doubts and worries over what is such a trivial matter? Namely, I am concerned by the amount of rats that congregate around my neighbour's house. Every time I go past the place, there's always one of the little furry buggers scurrying around, and sometimes at night I hear him talking to someone (or something) in a commanding, encouraging tone. Not particularly bothersome, I know, but my neighbour lives alone, as far as I am aware. There's something not quite right about him - he's shifty and furtive, as if hiding a great secret.

The long and the short of it is that I suspect my neighbour of having a rat army, possibly with the aim of commanding all the rats in Britain.

Problem is, I have no real evidence apart from my observations and my own firm convictions. Am I being just a little too paranoid, or am I on to something serious?

Yours Dagda Sevit Postgrad Philosophy P.S. If there's any competition over Valentine's Day exploits, then a couple of years ago I shagged a horse. Beat that!

Eat ‘Em Down!

Dear gair rhydd.

I have long worried that massive global conglomorates destroy communities and increase the financial gulf between rich and poor countries.

But whilst I’ve always considered myself morally righteous, this has always tended to crumble at the sight of Satan’s favourite nourishment, the BIG MAC/KFC/INSERT FAVOURITE JUNK FOOD HERE. I was the man who left the anti-globalisation rally to pop round to the Trafalgar Square

Burger King. In short, and I feel many students share this disposition, I am weak-willed.

So, dear reader, imagine my delight when I found a way of enjoying junk food whilst bringing down evil capitalist elites! The solution is to take advantage of every chain run all-youcan-eat deal in Cardiff, and consume more food than they can possibly budget for. To my calculation Pizza Hut is the only company to offer such an opportunity, but let’s run with this absurd theory anyhow. Pizza Hut’s unlimited meal deal costs the discerning gourmand £5.50. My research (largely made-up) suggests you need to eat 2.4 pizzas to bleed them dry. I suggest avoiding crusts as a means to increasing consumption for the less talented pizza eater.

Pizza-Boy Lettersdesk says: Sure, but are you going to contradict your expressed concern for the gulf between rich and poor countries by leaving 0.6 of a pizza to rot in a dustbin while some African child starves to death?

You sick, sick man.

Gay Pride Dear gair rhydd, It comes as something of an epiphany that I pick up a quality piece of journalism during the course of this horiffic social existence we commonly refer to as life. The reason for my joy on reading your publication is three-fold.

Firstly, Ian Brown’s article: Between Iraq And A Hard Place, is remarkably competently written. Having recovered from the laughter prompted by the idea of the Stone Roses’ frontman contributing to the Gay Ride the quality of the article bowled me over.

The style was trenchant, independent and above all captivating. If similar issues were given a similarly incisive treatment by our national press the actions and mindsets of our citizens would be wholly transformed.

Secondly, I should like to inform you of the pleasure I experienced in reading Alex Ali’s article on Gun Culture.

Although Ali omits any truly investigative reference to the social and economic structure that underpins the existence of such a culture, the inference of need for a action is clear. Ali’s tone is informative and easily read.

Lastly, and indeed logically, it seems only befitting to give the wonderful free word its due credit.

Since the start of the academic year the publication has gone from strength to strength both in terms of its quality of writing and its presentation. With only a few exceptions, notably music, the manner with which your writers wax lyrical every two weeks is almost infallible. Coupled with their refreshingly cutting writing style, the news and editorial pages require praise for their creative approach to page layouts and supreme sub-editing. This is a far cry from the choss rolled off the student presses up and down our fair isle. Ho yes, my dears, you’re doing yourselves proud. I salute you.

Bazz 2nd Year French and Philosophy Lettersdesk says: Awww, this kind of stuff makes all the toil worthwhile. Not that receiving it is a regular occurence. Hell even if we get slagged off we’re honoured that someone has bothered to communicate.

HAVE TEXT WITH gair rhydd 07791165837 Put your hand in your pocket and grab your device! Text us, we’ll print practically anything!

And don’t forget to include your name wiseguy.

“quiche-the gay man’s pie!” “i’m sat on one of the union buses just outside swansea-some doofus put petrol in the tank instead of diesel! if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys cheerio d” “p.s. i’m the wiseguy that txt in last week about alan partridge and blinky, i am reading gr now whilst the man from the AA sorts us out cheerio d” “I think my ureters got connected 2my arse last night as i keep shitting cheap lager+my mouth tastes like a curry crazed badgers bum*-j-4th yr medic avoiding work” “Chicken bee and ladybird rock my world. can such a special occasion be better publicised. i heart chicken” “First year students, dont use Horizon Property Services!”

“Key Let suck! DON’T DO IT!” “SERIOUSLY I LIKE GAIR RHYDD. IT’S NOT TOO ROUGH ON THE BUTTOCKS” “I m fed up of s4c. Frankly its an insult 2 my civil liberties. I wanna watch good tv not a load of arse wipe! Hugs helen xxx” “Leave the cornish alone. We bought you pasties..... Where would you be without those? From a strapping cornish maid.”

“Dear gr, may i just say that sarah whatmore is the sexyest and foxyest new lady in pop. And the music, well...It’s good enough 2 make u shake ur booty. Sl X” “Dear gr. we’d just like 2 say that regardless of that documentary on jacko, we still think he’s the king of pop! PLZ print more articles on him! si + xena” “Bhangra music has got to be the next big revolution” “For sale: one big james, barely house trained and hardly used. space restrictions mean quick sale. one pint of stella ono”

Please send your letters in to us at gair rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions.

The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

14•

gair rhydd 17 02 03

02

et TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP

Welcome to Get There! The page that threatens to dissolve into nonsensical ramblings and very nearly does so every single issue. What about that for consistency! I hope you are all well and that you are continuing to rejoice in the wonder that is Cardiff. You’ll miss it once it’s gone. Promise.

Fully Charged Spring sparkles into life 3. Hold on Tight

Rugby Football Razzmatazz

Turin Brakes + I am Kloot @ Cardiff University, Great Hall, Saturday 22nd February Strange that two quiet young men sat on stools could have gone so far in just three years. Now promoting their second album, Olly and Gale have moved away from the acoustic melodies to producer a fresher and more distinct sound. Those who saw the duo out on an arena jaunt with David Gray will testify to their ability to hold a big stage. Certainly, their horizons have broadened since they greeted an empty tent at Reading a few years back.

Some may dismiss them as lightweights whose time will come and then soon pass as this generation of students graduate.

There’s a lot to be said though for

Six Nations Championship begins @ Millennium Stadium Saturday 22nd February

W

ell it did really start a week ago and obviously most of you don’t have tickets for any of the games. I haven’t either.

For live rugby action there’s the Varsity Match in Bridgend for us to content ourselves with.

Nevertheless if you want to partake in one of the more exciting months in the non-student Cardiff calendar this is the period to gather in the capital’s pubs. They’ll be big

screens everywhere for Wales v England which bizarrely kicks off at 5.30pm on the 22nd. In subsequent weeks, the games kick off at more sensible times and Wales may stand a remote chance of winning.

Even if you don’t understand the rules, the howls of disgust that will circulate around the room will give you some idea of what’s at stake here.

Welsh rugby is in need of being re-invigorated after a

series of mini-disasters for the club sides in Europe this season. This is after all the national sport and Wales were once proper contenders for silverware.

This year is certain to be a period of re-building for the team. Regardless of the results, the city is sure to come alive when England and Ireland pay a visit.

Don’t miss out and don’t forget to invite your friends from home too.

Tickets £15 Tel 02920 781458

4. Musical Abstraction The Bootleg Gentleman @ Sherman Theatre, runs until 22nd February Presented by the dear souls at the Welsh College of Music and Drama, this musical takes in everything from Al Capone to Moliere and 1930s Chicago.

It is a perfect chance for you all to investigate what you could have done with your student life had you not committed yourselves to a life in the library or the laboratory.

Hardly a cheap night out but you would hope that it’s money well

spent if these men and women are about to make the real dramatic step into the big time. Say you saw them first.

Certainly there shouldn’t be any hideous pantomime style duets on show tonight. Instead expect stylish scenery, sharp costumes and some impressed parents.

Tickets £8 www.sherman-theatre.co.uk

www.cardiff-stadium.com

5. Electronic Ecstasy

2. Cardiff in Euro Horror

Echoboy + Appliance, Monday 24th February @ Barfly

Jan Fabre Company Thursday 20th - Friday 21st February @ Chapter Potentially a highly engaging and memorable evening, Chapter hosts the UK premiere of this Belgian production intriguingly entitled, My Movements Are Alone Like Streetdogs. A combination of dance, music and dark poetry it interacts with dead dogs and has a soundtrack that ranges from classical delights to The Pixies. This will either be the most morbid and repulsive evening of the year or an unforgettably intoxicating experience. Potentially both. Certainly I’m slightly bewildered by the prospect of this challenging piece coming to the people of

the unassuming types in rock: I’d gladly exchange 20 versions of The Vines and their associated troubles for a Turin Brakes tour. If you are sick of the garage rock scene then take a stroll along to see these boys done good.

If they own suits they’re unlikely to feel an insuppressible urge to wear them. Sometimes it’s the small things that matter. Don’t be a fool, make sure you arrive early for I am Kloot too, underrated Mancunians, who are a little different, yet very interesting.

Canton and surrounding communities.

Its creator, Jan Fabre has a reputation for shocking even the most and progressive minds. How he’ll compare the opera houses of Europe to Chapter’s re-vamped school hall effect, who can tell?

The whole affair could end up being about as shocking as Tatu. However, with The Pixies on his sides, a complete failure is highly improbable.

Tickets £6 NUS www.chapter.org

Staff list GRiP editors: Robin Jackson & Nick McDonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) Get there: Neil Krajewski (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) Arts: LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C. Gates (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Brain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth & Steve Hurst (gairrhyddtvdesk@hotmail.com) Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)

Often these joint headline tours are something of a misnomer. One average band is cobbled together with one band that has sold music newspapers but subsequently fades into obscurity and down the bill.

Both Appliance and Echoboy have drifted up and down over the last few years.

Echoboy tasted Britpop with the Hybirds and decided that he’d rather spend his money on a funky laptop instead. Expect swirling sounds and maybe the odd chorus.

Appliance, on the other hand, used to be the definitive band of the 10” single. They were also going to be the biggest band from Devon ever, though I’m not sure how hard this accolade is to get.

Lots has happened since those heady days in the late 1990s. Go and find out tonight what they’ve been working on. Go back to your roots and enjoy.

Tickets £5 www.barflyclub.com

In this issue of GRiP...

06: Film 09:Games/ Web

Investigate the best of Spielberg and trauma of The Magdalene Sisters

08: Arts

Get all political with MarkThomas

Search the web for career tips

10: Music

Go wild at the NME tour and speak to old-skooler Adam F

17: Books

See if Michael Moore’s new book matched the brilliance of his film documentary

21: TV

A scrounge through the best and the worst TV

03

GRiP

Union nights and special events.

Groove Ghoulies + guests @ MS1 Club 8pm, £8 Dance the night away on the bay.

Possibly.

Adequate 7 @ Newport TJs 7.30pm, £tbc Yet more ska.

Mondays Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free before 11. £1 after Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution.

Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend,’ it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, makes Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue.

However, there’s extra special delights to look forward to this month. On the 17th Feb, there’s the chance to see Carl Cox for free and then a week later (24th Feb), DJ Yoda, the rather ace Hiphop DJ who’s been known to play Anticon records, makes an appearance. Marvellous.

Tuesdays Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Fancy a night off from loud bands and clubs? Try out this weekly night of much hilarity and wine.

This fortnight featuring appearances from Andy Zaltzman on 18th Feb and Tony Law on 25th Feb.

Wednesdays

Live Music Monday 17/02 The Ataris + support @ Newport TJs 9pm, £7 US punk. Short, snappy and inexplicably popular.

Tuesday 18/02

Wednesday 19/02 Brutal Deluxe + The More I See + Baby Lose @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 The More I See used to be Janus

Fridays Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00 Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night. Look out for future performances from similarly kitsch entertainment, in the same vein as those lovely Cheeky Girls. On a different tip, on the 31st Feb go see the Tiger Beats tour, with Krafty Kuts, Drumattic Twins and Soul Of Man.

Saturdays Thursdays 9pm, £5 Special Event: Giving you even more time to plan ahead, on 6th March, One Mission and Amnesty International present Break Free, with Plump DJs, High Contrast and Rennie Pilgrem. All are welcome, and all proceeds go to the charity. Sounds all a bit special and for such a good cause, so have a gander. Get There can fully recommend it.

Stark who used to feature (and perhaps still do) a man who used to live near me back home and used to play live guitar with the Prodigy.

Surprisingly, they used to be quite good at sounding what the Foo Fighters used to sound like. Brutal Deluxe, of course, sound like nothing you’ve never heard (this week).

Don’t Try This Home @ Bristol Academy 7pm, £15 Basically Jackass on tour in gig venues across the UK. Not sure how this will work but potentially an eye opening evening.

Thursday 20/02 Caroline Alexander + Sal + Waking Kills The Dream and Bulletproof DJs @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Rock from a local bedsit followed by drum’n’ bass from Emporium, your local dance delicatessen. A fine combination.

Transposer + Mainline + guests @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £4 Clwb’s traditional selection of local talent to tempt you out before the weekend formally begins. With Boobytrap Records involved in

Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3 One of the UK’s top student night arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2.

Monday 24/02

Echoboy + Appliance + guests@ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Joint headliners. Marvellous. See left.

Guttermouth + 1208 + 60 Mile Smile @ MS1 Club 8pm, £8.50adv, £10door

Sunday Taf Quiz Usual format. Don’t be forced to watch Heartbeat. Go do the quiz

Ex models + US Trial Style + Starshaped Creatures @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Anyone still got their Starshaped Creatures stickers?

Hope Conspiracy @ Newport TJs 9pm, £8

Friday 21/02 The Rain Band + Medium21 + Shemko@ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 On this tour I think that you’re supposed to bring demo tapes along to give to industry luminaries who stand by the bar with a huge post box. Something about the label needing to discover the next big thing to replace Medium 21.

Stanton Warriors @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 Dance heavyweights make long awaited Cardiff appearance.

Cockney Rejects, Foreign Legion, Beerzone @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay 8pm, £11 No, not Cockney Rebel. Not sure what this involves. Either ask your parents, consult an encyclopedia or stay away.

Saturday 22/02

Wednesday 26/02

Longwave + Jarcrew + Talisman @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Longwave make another Barfly appearance that might just tip the balance in their favour. We’ll see.

Jarcrew continue to gather admirers and will be sure to make more friends tonight.

Thursday 27/02

Turin Brakes + I am Kloot @ Great Hall 7.30pm, £15 See Left.

Saturday 01/03

Watershed + guests @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Widely admired local types make another appearance at Barfly. Stars of the Cardiff Acoustic Movement, if such a thing exists.

Melys + Texas Radio Band + Gabrielle 25 @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £5 The excellent Melys return to Clwb to celebrate the arrival of St. David's Day. Certain not to be their last appearance but surely this doesn’t constitute a reason not to go.

Sunday 02/03

Tuesday 25/02

tonight’s proceedings it’s difficult to resist at least a look.

Har Mar Superstar + Jylt + Pulzar @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 One of Barfly’s self-proclaimed highlights of February, apparently.

Since it’s Friday no one will be too upset if you decide to go and find out why.

The Majesticons @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 Great hip-hop collective comprising of Mike Ladd, Infinite Livez and Deej a'la Fu. Mike Ladd has supported the likes of Tortoise if that gives you some idea of the left field flavour that this night should assume.

Bad Manners + support @ MS1 Club 8pm, £12.50adv, £15door Horrible ska that your parents really should have warned you about.

The Haunted + Stamping Ground + December @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £8 Rock tour comes to Clwb for one night only. Stamping Ground used to drag big crowds to Newport TJs (I think).

Ninja Pigeon + The New Rhodes + Steadman + Betafreaks DJs @Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Another dance’n’guitar supernight from a venue that is certainly not a

Zen Baseball Bat + Sonic Boom 6 + Chemical Reaction + Festerin Nun @ Barfly 3pm, £5 It’s Sonic Boom again. Does anyone else think that would have made an awesome name for a WWF (or WCW) wrestler back in the early 90s. Oh, the glory that might have been. There’s still a chance it might be Sonic Boom from Spaceman 3 though.

Bowling for Soup + guests @ Great Hall 7pm, £10 Re-scheduled date. Original tickets still valid, etc. Original suggestions as to why the first show was cancelled on a postcard. Original in the sense that references to Weightwatchers, healthy eating, daytime TV, etc. are not suitable.

Alabama 3 + guests 8pm, £6 Irvine Welsh’s (or was it Nick Hornby’s?) favourite band. Still going strong and still well worth seeing. Remember they’re not going to Goa, they’re staying right here beside the Guns of Brixton.

Coming Up Monday 12th May Mogwai @ Solus £10 adv.

Awesome. Need I say more?

Films on release in Cardiff...

The Hours Starring: Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore Much nominated drama, charting a crucial day in the lives of 3 women who all live at different stages of history.

Lord Of The Rings Starring: Elijah Wood More fighting than 1,000 lions doing kung-fu. And the bit when Legolas slides down the stairs is good enough to reduce grown men to tears. What more do you want? Blood? You got it!

2 Weeks Notice Starring: Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock Cheesy valentines day romantic comedy, about a superficial business tycoon who attempts to woo his idealistic do-good lawyer before she quits his firm.

About Schmidt Starring: Jack Nicholson

Punch Drunk Love Starring: Adam Sandler

A rather slow, yet sensitive exploration of a lonely retiree’s journey of self discovery as he attempts to stop his daughter from marrying a man he believes is not worthy of her.

A moving and alternative love story told by the king of commercial arthouse, Paul Thomas Anderson. Adam Sandler performance is excellent (WHAT?) Yep it’s true.

Get There

Indie Society and Live Music Society Showcase @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Featuring Sexy Vegas Superstars, Juniper, Chuck Ninja, Icarus Thinker. Bound to be full of students, make new friends, get involved and check out the best student talent around. Djs till 2am.

Damien Rice + support @ Toucan Club 8pm, £6 Excellent Irish singer songwriters returns to Cardiff after a brief absence to warm up for major London show.

the greatest hits from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle.

Descent @ Seren Las 9pm, £3/4/5 For all who want that little something different. Go early, doors are at 9pm. Said before, but will say it again, Descent is always a good night out and definitely worth trying. Go on. Get there! To give you lots of warning, the king of musical breaks Freq Nasty is appearing on 26th Feb, alongside Chico Fresco and West One.

Tuuli + Shootin Goon + The Wayriders @ Barfly 3pm, £5 Ska returns to Barfly after an absence of about 2 weeks. How did you manage without it?

Mclusky + Nameless + Panel, Nuke + Wishing Hour + Flailing Wail @ MS1 Club 7.30pm, £5 All age events. At £5 admission you can even afford to catch the bus down rather than walk from Uni hall like I used to. To see Mclusky it would be worth the walk though.

This Girl + Jarcrew + Funeral for a Friend @ Newport TJs 7.30pm, £tbc Excellent ensemble of metal inclined jagged ‘emoish’ guitar bands.

Beth Gibbons + Rustin Man @ Bristol Academy 7pm, £12.50 Beth from Portishead tours her solo project. A real treat.

Friday 28/02

Cardiff’s listings in full

Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00.

If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all

Sunday 23/02

superclub. Frankly it’s all the better for it too.

04

Get TCardiff’s herelistings in full

GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’Bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm.

Gay venue. Chart and Dance.

Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Hotel Yorba @ Barfly 10.30- 2am, £2. DJs from Emerge night in Clwb on Saturday. Music policy dubbed “indie/alternative”, and has been said to have a jolly nice atmosphere. Go, after the bands have finished, to dance the night away.

Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money.

Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in.

Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm - 2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am, £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of Vodka.

Superstition @ Moloko 9pm -2am.

A night of Soul, Motown, 70s Disco and Nu Jazz. Sounds marvellous.

Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thought it?

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm. I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm.

Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place though. It’s a shame that there’s no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval.

Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am, £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott!

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

80s Night @ Barfly Barfly parades its late license and introducing a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. She’ll die soon.

Have you made plans for the funeral?

Student Night @ Royworld The same as most other student nights I suspect, but with a shorter walk home than Clwb. Free to get in too.

Drunk as a Skunk @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay £15 3 bands, rock DJs and as much as you can drink and eat for one all inclusive price. It’s a long walk back from the Bay mind you!

Broken Beach, Light House @ Moloko Breakbeat and Deep House.

Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-Hop, Breaks and Drum’n’Bass.

The best Moloko night? You decide.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS. As if Brit-Pop needed reviving with Space on the prowl.

Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature. Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am, £1 entry. Dance music.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4.

R’n’B and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings.

One Mission DJs @ Royworld The new place on City Road that everyone’s talking about. Tonight the One Mission crew offer Breaks and Drum’n’Bass. It’s all free too. You can even go ten pin bowling as well.

Fridays Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7.

The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop.

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Cadence @ Bar Essential Free Entry. Deep House, Afro Latin and Nu Jazz. Sounds awesome, support it.

One Mission DJs @ Royworld Like Thursday but on Friday.

Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and House out

on the bay.

ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS. Hard House night featuring regular guest DJS. Cool House @ Emporium £8.

Excellent night that periodically returns to the city. Featured Radio 1’s Yousef on 8th November if that gives you any idea.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Great new night at Clwb on the ground floor. Fun and frolics with a sound track of psychedelia and garage.

Funk 2 Funk @ Oz Bar Breaking away from its roots in Stoner metal, Oz Bar launches a night of funked up tunes courtesy of the people at Plastic Raygun records, Cardiff’s biggest and best dance label.

Forward Motion @ Moloko Drinks promotions all night in the company of Upbeat funk and party breaks.

Twisted By Design @ Dempseys Hosted on a Friday for March only, checkout this great little alternative night

Saturdays Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

Funked Out @ Royworld If you don’t have a name for your night, I’ll invent one for you free of charge. So, there you have it funky breaks and hip-hop courtesy of Jimmy Love from Clwb. Free.

Do I sound poor to anyone?

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Play @ Moloko Happy party music!

Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS. Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike. Moving away slightly from its electroclash routes, and having added more indie and more hip-hop; seasoned as required.

L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US Garage featuring guest DJs. Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Sweet’n’Spicy @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3.

Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, Smart dress.

If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house Cadence @ Bar Essential Free, see Friday. Say ‘cadence’ enough times and it sounds like ‘can dance’ as their publicity people handily point out.

Sundays Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs. Chilled American House @ Royworld Free, as usual.

Chris Evans leads the proceedings.

Taxi @ Moloko The night that’s set to revitalise Moloko’s fortune with resident DJs from Higher Learning and Carnival to offer music from around the world. Last hour features Soca music only; the rest of the night

mixes latin, hip-hop, Bollywood and Bhangra, to mention just a few genres!

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps you’re a DJ spinning the decks or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Similarly if there’s event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know and we’ll replace it with something equally exciting.

Sport In salute of the capital’s recent sporting achievements, gair rhydd introduces Sports Listings. Go on, the rules of Rugby are easy to pick up and no one will notice if you shift allegiance for three years.

Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk) vs Plymouth Friday 21st, 7.45pm A day early to make way for the Rugby.

Cardiff Rugby (www.cardiffrfc.com) No Fixtures They’re a bit busy at the moment thanks to the head office types and the 6 nations. Ahhh!

Societies Regular Meetings Christian Union Meet every Friday at 7pm in Maths Building EO.15.

Debating Society Meet every Thursday in one of the Union Rooms.

Film Society Meets every Tuesday evening at 7.30 pm either in the Societies Lounge or in one of the fourth floor conference rooms. Weekly screening held at UGC, showing a selection of alternative, cult and classic films. Screenings are at 9.30pm. £2 admission for members, £3 for NUS. Funky Arse Disco Dancing Classes held every Wednesday in New Liberal Social Club on City Road, near Roath Park. Beginners’ class is 2-3pm, Intermediates 3-4pm and Advanced 4-5pm. Classes cost £1 each and membership is £5.

German Society Meets every Wednesday at 8pm in the Crwys Pub. Free membership, open to all.

Hindu Society Fortnightly Screenings of Bollywood Films at Birt Acres Theatre in Bute Building on Wednesdays at 6pm.

People and Planet Weekly meetings on Tuesdays at 8pm in the Union, either in the TV lounge or in one of the meeting rooms on the fourth floor.

Pagan Society Weekly meetings at Macky Pub at 8pm.

RAG Meet every Monday, 8pm in Buffers in Solus. Contact RAG@cf.ac.uk Sci FI Society Meet every Tuesday in the Pen and Wig at 7.30pm.

Yoga Society: Membership just £10 a year. Simply come along to classes on tuesdays, 12-1pm, 1-2pm in the Council Rooms, 4th floor of the Student Union.

Special Events Did you miss Freshers Fayre in September, but still want to join a

society? Then go to the Refreshers Fayre on Monday 17th Feb. As well as the societies all gagging to sign you up, there will be some companies there, ready to bribe you with the offer of glittering freebies!

Nightline Training and introductory sessions: Tues 18th 8-10pm.

Rag And Amnesty After the incredible success of last years RAG Hitchhike, they are doing it again, this time raising funds for Human Rights Charity Amnesty International.

Do you think you could do it?

- £150 Prize money - 2 Free Nights Accommodation in Central Amsterdam - Free T-shirt - Free Return Travel (coach/ Ferry) - Advice, Information & Backup (from people that have done it before!) - £20 sign up fee (to confirm place- limited places!) logon to “http://www.amnestyhike.co.uk/” to find out more information and turn up to an introduction meeting on Wednesday 19th February, 5.30pm, Wallace Lecture Theatre, central University Building. Email with any questions or queries: “mailto:cfhitch2amsterdam@hotmail.com” Live Music Society and Indie Society Tuesday 18th Feb is the first Live Music and Indie Society Unplugged of the year, featuring acoustic sets from Anthony O’Loughlin, Nike Davies, Tom Venables, Claire and Cat at Moloko Vodka Bar and doors open at 8pm. Entry is 50p members, £1 non-members. Tickets are on sale for SHOWCASE from the Barfly. Hurry up as there’s limited advance tickets available. More details are on the website where you will also find details of all forthcoming gigs in Cardiff with previews for selected events.Don’t forget to take part in our interactive community! www.cf.ac.uk/suon/indie STAR STAR have organised a talk on the situation in Zimbabwe is on 20th February 2003 at 7:30pm in Rona Griffiths The talk is being given by Zimbabwean refugees who have set up a charity called “Zimbabwe Hope” which aims to publicise the political situation in Zimbabwe. It will be an opportunity for people to learn about the human and animal rights violations that are being committed in Zimbabwe. Also there will be some discussion of the implications of the cricket world cup. At the end there will be an opportunity for questions from the floor.

The event is part of STAR’s first ever national action day!

Amnesty International and One Mission Thursday March 6th: Break Free - Solus (only £5!)

A storming club night with all proceeds going to Amnesty International (and all artists playing for free). Break Free showcases some of the finest DJs that the UK has to offer. With London favourites the Plump DJs kicking out the jams along with Cardiff’s very own High Contrast as well as many more artists, including Rennie Pilgrem, you’re guaranteed a long night of funk and grooviness.

Tickets are on sale from the ticket booth in the Union and with all the great talent on display and low entry price, we strongly advise you to book your tickets now.

Archaeology On the 18th February, ‘Cremation Through the Ages’ a lecture by Dr Howard Williams, takes place at 5.10 in room X4.01 (Humanities) 25th February- Indiana Jones/Tomb Raider Themed Pub Crawl through Cathays. Meeting at The Taf at 7.30.Contact OdonnellL@cf.ac.uk? or look at http://www.cf.ac.uk/hisar/socs/arcso cnew/ Post Graduate Social Society Quiz night Wed 26th Feb 8.00 pm Grad Centre, £20 prize, to play members 50p non-members £1

Let us know what your society is up to and we’ll attempt to fit it in. Just email us!

gair rhydd 17 02 03

• 05

LEGENDARY

06 "We’re gonna need a bigger boat" Chief Brody realizes how bad the situation is in Jaws

I

By Ian Taylor

n 1973, Steven Spielberg had a choice to make. He would either direct a movie about a bloody great shark, adapted from a Peter Benchley novel, or helm a biopic of the man who invented the toilet, called Flushed with Pride: The Story of Thomas Crapper (seriously).

Like Scorsese, Coppola and the rest of the Movie Brats, Spielberg wanted to join the likes of John Ford and Howard Hawks in the ranks of the great directors. So he went with the shark thing.

Jaws ate up box office records, called the world’s attention to Spielberg and set him on the road to being cinema’s most successful and popular director since Alfred Hitchcock. It remains one of his finest films.

Spielberg’s roots lie in Middle America, where, as a geeky kid, he orchestrated elaborate home videos and shorts starring his classmates; early showcases for an imagination that would one day enchant audiences everywhere.

A difficult relationship with his

father alongside his parents’ divorce would also inform Spielberg’s films.

Detachment and fatherhood are explored recurrently: note Elliot’s absent father in E.T., Jamie’s separation from his parents in Empire of the Sun and the father-son banter in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

After Jaws, Spielberg’s ability to dazzle the audience developed with Close Encounters and E.T., through the Indiana Jones films, right up to Jurassic Park.

Stunning effects and setpieces often threaten to dominate these films but are usually off-set by the subtle character touches and charm that he also deploys so well.

However, the success of these features led critics to credit Spielberg with little more than showmanship; he was the director that wouldn’t grow up.

But while full critical acclaim and Oscars eluded him, box office takings certainly did not.

Spielberg’s films have taken a total of $6,552,900,000 to date.

Saving Private Ryan.

Future Plans and Projects

But don’t let the money get in the way.

Spielberg is responsible for not only some of the most imaginative films ever made, but also some of the most thought-provoking.

Schindler’s List marks the director’s coming of age. A delicate, responsible, beautiful film, it tells the story of a Nazi who saved over a thousand Jewish workers by putting them to work in his factories.

As a Jew himself, Spielberg waited ten years before deciding he was mature enough to tackle the Holocaust. He asked not to be paid for directing and claims it as his most rewarding film. It won him Best Director at the Oscars for the first time, an achievement he would realize again with

Six of the Best

Unparalleled financial success and co-ownership in his own studio, Dreamworks SKG, gives Spielberg the freedom to hand-pick his projects.

Hints and rumours of what he’ll do next do the rounds frequently but the only certainty is that there will be a fourth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise, with both Harrison Ford and Sean Connery returning.

The script is being written by Shawshank Redemption director Frank Darabont and production starts in 2004.

Spielberg will only confirm that the story will deal with Indy getting older.

He has also talked about reteaming with Tom Hanks for a biopic of Abraham Lincoln and a dream sci-fi project that may involve another collaboration with Tom Cruise. Rumours that he will return to the Thomas Crapper story remain unfounded.

Saving Private Ryan (1997) Further proof that Spielberg can do proper, grown-up films, this World War Two drama leaves you stunned and breathless.

Veterans who watch it are known to break down in tears during the brutal viscera of the gut-wrenching opening sequence.

E.T. (1982)

Jaws (1973) Did it lead to Hollywood’s dreaded blockbuster mentality? Probably, but this is a bona fide classic: superb central characters, John Williams’ legendary score and taut, terrifying suspense, all overseen by Spielberg’s masterful hand.

Perhaps Spielberg’s most personal film, the story of a boy who befriends an alien is a masterstroke of filmmaking, reducing everyone watching to wide-eyed eight-year-olds. Few films harness the magic of cinema like this one. Let’s just pretend those B.T. ads never happened.

Schindler’s List (1993) This may very well be the best Spielberg has done. Incredibly, it was made in the same year as box office mammoth Jurassic Park, perfectly highlighting his capacity for both kinds of film.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) This is the quite brilliant result of Spielberg’s fascination with UFOs and aliens, which first started when he watched a meteor shower with his father.

The shot of the mothership landing is breathtaking.

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

DIRECTORS

Steven Spielberg

ilm directors page

GRiP

Frank Abagnale Jnr. runs away from his dysfunctional family and proceeds to screw Uncle Sam for millions of dollars.

Carl Hanratty is the FBI agent determined to catch him.

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN RELEASED: OUT NOW CAST Leonardo DiCaprio: Frank Abagnale Jnr. Tom Hanks: Carl Hanratty Dir.: Steven Spielberg

S

pielberg’s latest is a light-hearted and enjoyable piece of eye candy, with all the touches of humour and warmth commonly associated with his work.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) Probably the best of the Indiana Jones films, it sees the whipcracking archaeologist race Nazis in the hunt for the Ark of the Covenant. From the boulder-dash beginning, Spielberg takes the audience on a roller-coaster ride of pure escapism.

After trying a little too hard to impress as a sixteen year old adolescent, DiCaprio smoothly settles into his role as the king of cool, supported by great performances from Tom Hanks and Christopher Walken.

Spielberg’s direction captures all the flair and sheen of the period but an interesting family dilemma is under-addressed, the dialogue between the two protagonists is not as punchy as such a premise demands and the core relationship between the plucky DiCaprio and his

determined pursuer is similarly underplayed, even though the movie still feels about half an hour too long.

That said, Catch Me If You Can is still a thoroughly enjoyable romp. ✩✩✩

07

A Whole Liotta Love

GRiP

NARC

RELEASED: OUT NOW CERTIFICATE: 18 RUNNING TIME: 102 mins

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

CAST Ray Liotta: Detective Lt. Henry Oak Jason Patric: Detective Sgt. Nick Tellis Chi McBride: Captain Cheevers Busta Rhymes: Darnell Beery Dir.: Joe Carnahan Scr.: Joe Carnahan Detective Sergeant Nick Tellis works as a ‘narc’ on an undercover drug investigation that goes drastically wrong, and is convinced he wants a safe desk job.

When he becomes emotionally involved in the murder case of a fellow detective he works with the murdered man’s expartner, Henry Oak, to revenge his death.

F

rom the outset, Narc is an intensely violent and graphic depiction of life within Detroit’s drug culture from the point of view of a ‘narc’, an undercover police detective.

This oddly retro film, set in modern day Detroit, contains many elements of the traditional detective thriller, but intelligently complicates the archetypal good guy/bad guy scenario.

The use of steadi-cam and a thumping soundtrack are weirdly reminiscent of a 1970’s cop-series, contrasting almost eerily with the deathly background silences that accompany long, melancholy close-up shots of the character’s faces.

Images of the home and family are idealised in opposition to the brutal underworld of drug-addiction.

However, what begins as a set of stark contrasts climaxes with the blurring of the easy boundaries between right, wrong, good and bad.

Alongside the main plot, Narc hints at some disturbing undertones of racism, but never fully addresses the issues that it raises. This is almost more menacing as the film seems to ask more questions than it answers.

The final part of the film relentlessly plays around with the sympathies of viewers, and even when the plot is finally resolved, you are left unsure

who is to blame and who is innocent in the events that have occurred.

Ray Liotta, who was artificially aged to play the part of a middle-aged man, verges on over-the-top in his performance of a vengeful detective but this is only heightened by the sensitivity of Jason Patric’s performance.

Patric is excellent in the role of peaceful family man haunted by his past experiences, whose deterioration is painful to watch.

If you can tolerate the uncomfortable violence, then this original police thriller comes highly recommended.

H. Özdemirciler

FINAL WORD Narc is a graphically violent film that deals with the real consequences of drug-addiction and suggests that it is impossible to maintain the boundaries between right and wrong. With an outstanding performance from Jason Patric, Narc is the best cop thriller since The French Connection (what about Turner & Hooch? - grip ed).

✩✩✩✩

Repressive Religion THE MAGDALENE SISTERS RELEASED: 21 FEBRUARY CERTIFICATE: 15 RUNNING TIME: 119 mins

CAST Geraldine McEwan: Sister Bridget Anne-Marie Duff: Margaret Nora-Jane Noone: Bernadette Dorothy Duffy: Rose/Patricia Eileen Walsh: Crispina Dir.: Peter Mullan Scr.: Peter Mullan

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Shawshank Redemption or Full Metal Jacket. Mullan gets noteperfect performances from his mostly-female cast, and some scenes (where Crispina denounces the priest who's been abusing her) pack a huge emotional punch.

Peter Roberts

FINAL WORD Mullan will probably burn in everlasting hellfire, though he's made a great film. This makes for harrowing viewing, but the end is more genuinely cathartic and uplifting than a dozen Hollywood 'feelgood' movies.

✩✩✩✩✩

Film

Based on a Channel 4 documentary, Sex in a Cold Climate, this depicts conditions in one of the Catholic asylums that flourished in Ireland for over 150 years, and in which some 30,000 orphans and 'fallen women' were incarcerated.

smack dealer, in Trainspotting, and an alcoholic in My Name is Joe. His first film as a writer/director, Orphans, was about funerals. So he hasn't fought shy of dark or

(a scene where two nuns humiliate a row of naked girls makes for incredibly hard viewing).

Months turn into years; one girl becomes a permanent member of the sisterhood; an elderly penitent dies, and the girls realise that if they don't escape, they'll die in the asylum as well...

The Magdalene Sisters will probably divide audiences sharply. The villain, Sister Bridget, seems to be intended as a symbol of everything considered corrupt in the Catholic Church's history: interest in money (rather than saving souls), stifling of debate, complicity in sexual abuse.

But there's no denying that this is an immensely powerful piece of film-making, as brilliant a depiction of people adapting to an institution as The

review

I

t's early days yet, but Ian Paisley's film of the year has probably arrived already.

Peter Mullan, writer/director of this month’s The Magdalene Sisters, was Swanney, the

controversial subject-matter in the past, and he doesn't here.

The Magdalene Sisters is a true story of three young women in 1964 Ireland, whose families send them as 'penitents' to an asylum run by the Magdalene sisterhood.

Margaret has been raped by her cousin, and thereafter treated like a scarlet woman; Rose has had a baby out of wedlock; Bernadette, a rebellious convent-school girl, simply talks to boys too much.

They're put to work in the laundry, and have to adapt to the harsh discipline of asylum life. If they speak without being spoken to, or talk to anyone from outside, they're beaten; if they try to escape, their heads are shaved. They're taught to feel disgust for their own bodies

08

rtreviews s

GRiP Arts event of the fortnight...

PUBLIC ENEMY #1 MARK THOMAS After Ilisu: What I Did Next Sherman Theatre

through other means”), we were left in no doubt that Thomas has indeed been a busy boy since his last trip to Cardiff.

It takes a rare blend of boundless

It helps when the audience is appreciative and politically

M

ark Thomas is every shady politician’s worst nightmare and every earnest human rights activist’s idol. He’s like a small child let loose in the candy store of ethical issues that need exposing and causes that need championing. Using tales of his recent antics and current projects as the basis for his latest stand-up show, he treads a fine line between sheer entertainment and political diatribe. It’s a good job that he’s an incredibly funny man.

Talking for an hour and a half on the state of the world isn’t the first comedy topic to spring to mind, but Thomas is experienced enough to know how to keep an audience listening and laughing.

Whether it was hearing of his narrowly avoided arrest on a protest march, or dealing with the reaction of the U.S. Government to his article in the New Statesmen offering a bounty for the head of George Bush (“We will seek redress

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Chomsky and John Pilger. But even those who would stand with me in proclaiming their general ignorance of current affairs couldn’t help but be completely drawn into his surreal world of madcap

the Hague if they do in fact go to war against Iraq, but I guess it’s the principle that counts.

He’ll try anything to make life uncomfortable for Tony Blair, be it through a nice sideline in civil disobedience, or more legally acceptable means. Mark Thomas aims to be the scab on the knees of those in power; the more reasons he gives them for picking at him, the less likely he is to go away.

LaDonna Hall

Mark Thomas Profile

enthusiasm and downright cheekiness to get away with a show that doesn’t really have a recognisable structure, but Thomas consistently works his ranting style to his advantage.

our very own Students’ Union hosts a feast of acting talent in a thoughtprovoking performance of a classic play. In a promotional statement for the play, it was described as bringing Henry V “Starkly up to date…using sharp lighting, powerful music and striking televisual images”.

Understandably, I was intrigued at this. And I was not disappointed.

Directed by Eloise Emanuel and starring our fellow student thespians, the performance offered a modern perspective on a Shakespearean text. The play’s focus on war and its consequences was worryingly apt to the current political situation.

The programme provided on entry to the play warned against young children attending due to its violent content. They were not over cautious; the acting was frighteningly believable. As characters were dragged away to be executed, or as men fought and kicked each other to the ground, it was unclear whether the screams and bloody mouths were real or not. This made the play at times disturbing to watch, but nonetheless compelling.

The minimalist staging created a feeling of darkness, isolation and claustrophobia.

aware, hence the ripple of knowing chuckles at references to Noam

HENRY V Great Hall Act 1 With a rapid change of set, the scene transformed from offices into a battlefield and back again.

An extra dimension to the performance was the attention to detail with the costumes.

From office suits to army gear a very professional appearance was created.

The use of technology was also effective. A mock satellite connection between England and France was set up, giving the modern setting extra authenticity. As regards technology, the only point of criticism was that the performers could have often benefited from some amplification. Although it was only a small theatre, there were occasions when words were lost, which was a shame.

Act One is taking the play to the National Student Drama Festival and to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I hope that their reception here will give them confidence for the future.

If you get the chance to catch the play there, go and show some support!

Rachel Pegum

schemes.

His actions have serious intent and it’s hard to fault his commitment to the causes he supports; that’s half his appeal. It is easy to be cynical of his efforts to take the British Government to

Mark Thomas has come a long way from the days when he performed stand-up on miner’s strikes in the 80s. He honed his performance skills at drama school, but then moved into television, using his talent for investigative journalism to create programmes that disturbed politicians but caused audiences to doff their caps at his sheer audacity. The Mark Thomas Comedy Product took a sideways look at such subjects as the arms trade and the now not so ‘top secret’ sites in Britain.

His talent for making official bods squirm in their seats and look decidedly constipated made for great television. We thoroughly approve.

HENRY 5 STARS

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Death by association Media Careers www.s4c.co.uk/careers

MORTAL KOMBAT: DEADLY ALLIANCE [X-Box, PS2, Gamecube] Midway

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unlocks additional characters via a Kurrency system where you can buy new items in the Krypt and there’s 675 to choose from. I say choose but you don’t know what you are buying until the casket opens.

The versus option gives 2 player fatal fun and the practice arena is where you can hone your skills as a fighter. The Konquest mode is a journey where you face challenges at every point and earn Kurrency for you trouble.

It feel like a progressive tutorial based quest which is quite satisfying.

Players start with a choice of 12 characters, with more available through the Krypt.

Each character has three distinct fighting styles switchable via the L2 button.

One of the styles tends to involve a weapon for maximum carnage. Yes the blood has been left in with the option to take it out, but then who would want to? Blood is what made MK such a classic

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in the first place. Another unique feature of MK was the fatalities. Yes they are all here and you can see the production that went in to them in the behind the scenes video in the extras section.

The graphics are a beauty to behold from the arenas to the characters, their faces and the damage they take during the round. It has all been painstakingly produced to be as real as possible. The controls are the usual tried and tested beat-em-up fare and the variations of gameplay will keep you coming back for more. This is an early Kontender for game of 2003. Chris Pietryka

Scared numberless THE SUM OF ALL FEARS [PC-CDROM, Cube, PS2, X-Box] Ubi Soft

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1: The Getaway UK Gangster 2: GTA: Vice City I rule the city 3: The Sims Play God 4: 007: Nightfire Bond saves the world 5: FIFA 2003 Good football sim 6: LOTR: Fellowship Film game hybrid 7: Harry Potter Milky Bar Kid 8: Spyro:Enter the dragonfly New PS2 platformer 9: World Rally Champ 2 Dirty car fun 10:Tony Hawk’s 4 Skater Boi

X-Box

1: Splinter Cell Another must have 2: Halo Classic shooter 3: FIFA 2003 More footie 4: Medal Of Honour War games 5: 007” Nightfire For a change 6: Project Gotham I liked the DC version 7: Mechanical Assault Guess 8: Championship Manager Footie boss 9: Moto GP Box, car racer 10:Quantum Redshift Who said Wipeout?

PC-CD ROM

1: Unreal 2 Classic FPS 2: Battlefield 1942 War sim 3: Who Wants To Be A Mill...

Tarrant 2: Sims Unleashed Captivity is cruel 5: Sims Delux Don’t be cheap 6: Championship Manager New one out soon 7: Age of Mythology Fantasy gaming 8: MOH Spearhead Add on.

9: The Weakest Link Robinson 10:Warcraft 3 Crafty war game

Game Cube

1: Scooby Doo Dog 2: Mario Sunshine Sunny plumbing 3: Starfox Ban Hunting? Pish 4: SW: Rogue Leader Greedy b*****d 5: Minority Report Predictable 6: Wrestemania X8 Wrestling, duh!

7: Star Wars: Clone Wars Money for Lucas 8: Mario Party 4 Plumber partay 9: XMen Next Dimension Mutants 10:Eternal Darkness Cube Classic

previous titles’ you only have the one squad to control and they are not soldiers but members of the FBI’s Hostage Rescue Team.

The Sum Of All Fears is a nice way to be introduced to the world of more realistic first person shooters. On the other hand, if you are a die hard Clancy veteran then there is still interest for you here, a worthy addition to the growing library of titles.

The commands you can give your squad are limited and the genre may not be for everyone but these are minor drawbacks to what is in fact a great game.

If you want to find out more about the Sum Of All Fears or other upcoming games from Ubi Soft then take a look at their website at www.ubi.com.

Chris Pietryka

Coming soon..

Another week, another selection from the digital world. If you don’t like what you read then the only way to get it changed is to contribute to the gair rhydd. So on the off chance that someone will want to join the games/web fun then e-mail us on gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com.

Go on, you know it makes sense.

We are still on the look out for an assistant to help in the running of the GR website. Anyone remotely interested should get in contact with us up in the office on the 4th floor of the union building. We promise it’ll be great fun, and is, after all, something good to put on your CV if,like us, you are now panicking about getting a job.

Big thanks go to GAME for their continued support in supplying the charts.

Games/web

he latest in a long line of Tom Clancy books has been made into a Hollywood blockbuster starring Morgan Freeman and Ben Affleck.

The inevitable progression of which has been to convert the story to game format. Following in the footsteps of the Rainbow six and Ghost Recon storylines is The Sum Of All Fears. The story is that the US has lost a nuclear weapon (would that be a weapon of mass destruction Mr Bush?) and it is the job of your squad to get it back (obviously to be decommisioned by Mr Blix).

As in previous games from the Clancy stable, you operate a squad and can control any one of them at a time depending on the objective of the mission.

However, as a change from the

This week’s charts Playstation 2

scholarship scheme are also on the site. S4C chief executive, Huw Jones, says, “encouraging talented young people full of creative energy to join the industry is very important to us.

Our hope is that this will ensure that the doors to the industry are open to young people of all backgrounds and interests.”

If you are interested in trying to get into the media industry then take a look at the url above. The site, produced in both English and Welsh, gives a great insight to how TV in Wales works. Chris Pietryka

reviews

ack in the early nineties the good old Mega-Drive and Super Nintendo were the hosts for a wealth of beat-em-ups. The goriest and, in many opinions, best of which was the Mortal Kombat franchise. The mix of frantic fighting action and brutal blood and fatalities made MK an instant favourite and kept it at the top of the charts. However it got left behind in the move to 3D and has not been seen much since, with the exception of the exceptionally bad movie and cartoon series which we will skip.

Now the people at Midway have gone away and thought long and hard to bring the MK name to a new audience in 2003. Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance is born. It’s bad, it’s back, it’s in 3D and it’s bloodier than ever.

Shang Tsung is returns and has a new friend in Quan Chi. Together they form a deadly alliance (clever innit!) and take over the Outworld. They plan to invade the Earthrealm and only a small band of combatants led by the God of Thunder, Raiden, can save the world by defeating the invaders in Mortal Kombat.

The game opens with a video detailing the rise of the villains and sets a good background to the game.

However it is on autoplay and runs every time the game is loaded; the good news is you can skip it. You are then presented with a menu screen which has DVD-like animation when you select an option. The basic and classic arcade mode is the top choice where you progress through increasingly hard opponents on your way to the boss and a nice little video clip of the winner. A great touch is that at each stage you get the difficulty given as a percentage. The game

new website from the people at S4C was launched in January at the Ysgol Gyfun Gwynllyw in Pontypool. The site is aimed at young people and intends to give them a better understanding of the range of careers available in the media industry in Wales. The site guides visitors with the aid of several colourfully animated characters and details a range of jobs from production, directing, marketing to set building. Training opportunities and details of the annual S4C

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usicsingles / feature

GRiP Massive Atttack: “Smashing their way through a lifetimes worth of bad luck”.

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fter the long wait the ever magnificent Massive attack return with a brand spanking new album. Dave Gibson and Alex Macpherson popped along to the launch to find out what all the fuss is about and take a look at one of Britain’s favourite dance acts...

Legendary Bristolian collective Massive Attack are not like other bands.

With a twelve-year career comprised less of logical progressions than unhurried drifting between genres,

B2K Bump Bump Bump Bad Boy Records Well the title says it all reallyfrom the beat to the lyrics to the not so subtle innuendoes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what the tune is about, and to be honest it isn’t really all that. There is nothing new or exciting to this song and with the RnB genre so popular at the moment a bit of difference would not go astray. Even an appearance from the main man himself P Diddy does not help this merely mediocre RnB tune.

B2K may mean Boys 2000, but they seem so last decade to me! Angela Singh

★★

ONE MINUTE SILENCE Revolution Taste Back in 1997 One Minute Silence were the new kids on the block, bursting with potential, the American Numetal onslaught came and went, and so did OMS. So a new year and a new onslaught, but a revolution it isn’t, instead slightly tuneless yet passable run of the mill rock, disappointing. Rob Jackson ★★

ELECTRIC BOY Discordinated Sic It appears that this song is the

generally according to whichever members happen to be around, it’s remarkable that they’ve been elevated to their lofty status on the strength of just four full-length releases.

It’s fair to say, though, that the music of Robert ‘3D’ Del Naja, Grant ‘Daddy G’ Marshall, Andrew ‘Mushroom’ Vowles and their various contributors has been similarly remarkable. Their debut, 1991’s Blue Lines, emerged from the cosmopolitan swamp of Bristol exuding a rare, genre-busting confidence; a heady cocktail of hip-hop beats, dance sensibilities and cinematically swooping soul, it single-handedly invented the trip-hop label which was to plague Bristolian bands during the

90s.

The follow-up, 1995’s Protection, was four years in the making – a length of time which foreshadowed the infamously leisurely pace at which Massive Attack worked. The wait proved to be worth it, though, as the result was a selection of superbly languid dreamscapes – chill-out before the phrase was utterly bastardised by a million compilations. A sharp contrast, at any rate, to 1998’s Mezzanine, a darkly inaccessible, misunderstood child of an album. All ominous basslines and metallic guitar overload, Mezzanine signified another quantum leap forward, though one which wasn’t to the tastes of many of the band’s original fans – or indeed members, as the acrimony it caused directly precipitated the departure of DJ/Producer Mushroom.

The process of shedding members

result of somebody introducing three, deaf 5-year-olds to the sound effects settings on their particularly primitive keyboard.

Though this may not be true, I can’t think of any other rational explanation for the excessive (and seemingly random) use of sampled noises. Add to this, robotic vocals and awful lyrics, and you have a truly pointless, tedious and irritating song.

Jeremy Townsend No stars

TONI BRAXTON feat.

LOON Hit The Freeway Arista/BMG These days, every week seems to bring news of yet another singer grabbing themselves a piece of R&B’s futuristic production pie, and this week is ex-power balladeer Toni Braxton’s turn. All staccato string phrasing and sensuous tabla riffs, it’s a superb slice of scrub-bashing, yet it’s also a mark of the heights the genre is now reaching that it’s simply not a patch on what, say, Missy Elliott regularly comes up with.

Alex Macpherson

has been a long Massive Attack tradition, ever since Shara Nelson – the owner of that voice, the one which soared over the majestic Unfinished Sympathy, still the benchmark for all MA songs – and prodigious protégé Tricky departed following their cameos on Blue Lines. Indeed, with Daddy G currently on paternity leave, new LP 100th Window sees Massive Attack reduced to just one core member.

Counteracting this, though, is that other great Massive tradition: the guest vocalist. From ethereal folkstresses Tracey Thorn and Liz Fraser to reggae maestro Horace Andy, their choices have frequently been inspired, something set to continue with the goddess-like presence of Sinéad O’Connor on 100th Window.

Whatever form Massive Attack take in the future, they’ve already cemented their position as one of the most important British bands of the past twenty years. Throughout their career, there’s been a recurring unwillingness to rest on their considerable laurels, and an almost desperate desire to innovate has characterised each of their albums.

Massive Attack- we salute you!

substantially played down.

The album’s weaknesses are all too apparent: taster Special Cases, despite Sinead O’Connor’s ever-beautiful vocals, remains forgettable, if not altogether soulless, while What Your Soul Sings mimics Mezzanine’s Angel unnecessarily.

Two tracks in particular standout positively, however: the claustrophobic paranoia of Butterfly Caught piles on aggression to the brink of nausea before fizzling out beneath a fractured, orchestral growl; while Antistar provides a welcome relief on an album choking under bloated selfreference. With a mystical, Eastern sound far more persuasive than Death in Vegas could muster, it conjures images of Holly Valance bellydancing herself into a catatonic sleep.

Ultimately, 3D’s MA proves an empty offering after the band’s previous achievements. While 100th Window avoids regression, even regression would have been satisfying variation.

★★★

MASSIVE ATTACK: A Top Ten -As voted by the late night Gair

MASSIVE ATTACK 100th Window Virgin The return of the 1990s most innovative dance-act should be hailed as a landmark every bit as important as upcoming releases by Blur or Radiohead. As it is, MA’s latest venture, understandably, appears to have been

they’d be in trouble.

Hate Is All You Need is so rammed full of general chirpiness, plus the best part of an orchestra, that the dreamy vocals are the perfect disguise for the mocking and cynical lyrics. “Hate is everywhere /come on people feel it like you just don’t care”, The Delgados – making sad sound happy for everyone. David Marcus

★★★★

GRAND POPO FOOTBALL CLUB Each Finger Has An Attitude BMG/Arista Everyone needs some squelchy French electronica in their lives, so it’s useful that Grand Popo Football Club are here to provide it. Hard though it may be to imagine a good Daft Punk, GPFC clearly use the same template: stuttery robo-beats, digital flourishes

popping up in strange places, even some vocodered vocals on the excellent b-side One More Song On The Market yet there’s a warmth here that their compatriots don’t possess.

Alex Macpherson

★★★★

CRADLE OF FILTH Babylon AD Epic Since releasing a highly inappropriate Greatest Hits LP and allowing some wack to be trigger-happy with production methods, messers Filth and co have finally been resurrected as what they truly were - fist punching overblown parodic black metal. Coming free with escalating grand pianos, samples of hearts beating and more swoops and wails than your average vampire bat and thankfully seeming to lack the sort of unnecessary sincerity and purpose which dogged their former releases, this is simply five and three quarter minutes of pure ridiculous joy. John Widdop

★★★★

★★★ HARPIES Deep / Just Like You Fortune and Glory

THE DELGADOS Hate Is All You Need Mantra The second single from The Delgado’s new album is more of the usual fare from the Glasgow crew, and if they weren’t this damn good at it,

Feeder: tasty Grant

Debut single, and make-orbreak time from a bunch of skinny midlands youths maintaining the fine British tradition of having a complete awful (and hilariously not-very-

Rhydd posse: Unfinished Sympathy Safe From Harm Group Four Teardrop Sly Risingson Better Things Mezzanine Inertia Creeps Karmacoma

deep) song as the A side and a significantly less publicised but more glorious B side. This one in particular sounds like forgotten femetal loses Kittie, only with tasty slabs of Echo and the Bunnymen guitar and breathy, harmonising vocals from duel female singers, and is pretty good. Although with a name like Harpies, you’re entirely given for well, not giving a shit. John Widdop

★★★

FEEDER Just The Way I’m Feeling Echo Workmanlike is a good word to describe Feeder’s previous stalwart efforts in the service of pop-rock, but with this single they’ve swapped feisty anthems for what seems like one long downcast sigh.

The meandering lullaby of Just The Way I’m Feeling is a competent, heartfelt effort which will doubtless find its way into the pockets of punk kids and bemulletted Wankophonics fans alike, but track two is just a vague idea of a song.

Playing us out with a lowkey cover of The Power of Love, Grant finds himself in the uneasy position of gasping through lyrics even more vacuous than usual Feeder output – entirely without the band’s usual compensating dose of metal attitude.

A good single then, but worrying signs of a band losing direction. Mark Cobley

★★★

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Single of the Fortnight...

MULL HISTORICAL SOCIETY The Final Arrears Blanco Y Negro

★★★

Interesting one is Mull Historical Society, the vehicle of Scottish songwriter Colin McIntyre.

Or rather it isn’t, it’s more of a grey-haired speccy uncle with a guitar.

Image is of course sod-all to this man, and it matters not one iota as The Final Arrears is three minutes of busy joy; a cymbal crash here, a Christmassy bell chime there, and everywhere the most immediate head nodder you’ll here from a small Scottish island all year. Miles better than anything off his debut album, it should help make Colin the unlikeliest pop idol of the century. ‘Cos he was too old to enter anyway.

Jamie Fullerton Mull Historical Society: Keeping the Jonny Vaughn’s ★★★★ lookalike agency in business...

History finals MEDICINE 8 Rock Music Pays Off Regal There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with this, the second single to be taken from dance duo Medicine 8’s Iron Stylings album. Indeed, the aggressive beats and vocals are reminiscent of the Chemical Brothers’ mid-nineties output.

This proves a curse as well as a blessing, however, as it’s hard to escape the feeling that you’ve heard it all several hundred times before.

Underwhelming. Nick Gale

★★★

GABRIELLE TWENTY FIVE Y Dyn Heb Ddyfodol Lawrence Music

★

There are numerous reasonable reasons for wishing you were born female.

However, Violent Delight consider “having bigger tits” and “seeing more tits” as the most productive reasons. How humouresque. Irony or no irony, this is purile sexist bullshit, and lacks the wit and sheer joy of being dumb which the Bloodhoung Gang pretty much mastered and trademarked years ago. The song itself isn’t too bad, but the paper-thin

★

BUDNUBAC Flag/Senorita Faith and Hope Part time production wiz with the seminal Nightmares On Wax, Robin Taylor-Firth is no stranger to a good tune, as he aptly demonstrates with these funky latin numbers. Suitably sultry vocals are provided by Siobhan Gallagher over cheerful house beats which bring with them vivid images of a sunset over havana. Break out the cigars and get on the dancefloor. Andy Parsons

★★★ HARRY Push it TelstarRecords An awful breed of technodisco, Harry’s new single, Push It, fails to deliver the kind of quality girl pop-rock promised by their first single, So Real.

Aside from a reasonable midsong break down, the song is merely a set of trite lyrics, sung to an extremely basic drum beat, with some computer effects thrown in, in a desperate attempt to make the music seem less one-dimensional.

Needless to say, it doesn’t work, and the song becomes lamentably tedious.

Paul Brown

be hearing this rather musically uninspiring, unoriginal, single on the radio any time soon.

Bill Cummins

★★

ANTIHERO Stravinsky Gave Me Nightmares Intergrity Ooh, old school punk dealing with how a Russian modernist composer caused some one, the singer, a lack of sleep?

Why, I have no idea, but the quirky rhythms and slightly edgy production make it a lot more interesting than the piece of dumb rock it could easily be.

Passes the time. Rob J

★★

TURIN BRAKES Pain Killer Source The latest offering from Turin Brakes’ new album, follows in true Turin Brakes style - mellow, not very exciting and certainly doesn’t sound different to anything from their last album. Even though it isn’t as bland as some songs from

Everyone I know has a favourite band, who made them think differently about music, who seemed to speak directly to them, and who defined a moment in their life. However, no one I know seems inclined to feel this way about Medium 21. It’s not that they’re a bad band; this single is a perfectly nice piece of indie rock that is not without its subtle charms.

Unfortunately, they lack the vitality and depth to really matter, apparently choosing instead to reside at the Medium mark. Will Turnpenny

★★

OASIS Songbird Big Brother The promoters seem almost proud of the fact that this track, written by Liam, contains only two chords. Woop-de-frickingdo, Liam can write songs too.

It’s not gonna go down in the top 20 Oasis songs ever, far from it, but the melody is at least tuneful and cute and reminds us that Liam is a daddy and does have a soft side. All together now - awwww.

Katie Brunt ★★★

KATOI Touch You Arista Not, unfortunately, the indiegirl racketeers KaitO, but the alias of one Kat Henderson, peddler of anonymous trancelite shit of the sort which inexplicably still clogs up the charts. Four remixes, each distending the original to vastly unwarranted lengths, suggest that, if anything, the radio edit was merciful. Alex Macpherson No Stars

NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS Bring It On Mute “Bring it on, every little thing.” intones Nick Cave majestically in the chorus of his latest single, as the Bad Seeds weave glorious guitar and violin lines around him to create a truly marvellous release drawn from the new Nocturama album. Bring It On is the right sentiment indeed because in this form Cave is perfectly capable of holding his own against any artist in the world right now.

Jon Griffiths

★★★★

ALPINESTARS Burning Up Riverman Records Alpinestars are essentially a duo specialising in trippy dance/synth sequences.

Burning Up is a lesson in musical manipulation and inventiveness which somehow manages to twist the summery optimism of the song’s first minute into a bleak, spaced-out soundscape. The duo’s shared vocals compliment each other well, and the wide array of sounds and samples used serve to further intensify the song’s impact.

Will Turnpenny

★★★★

THE REVS Loaded Revs Records The Revs make rock music.

They’re not trying to set the world alight. Consequently, the single Loaded is humble, honest and emphasises the multitude of rock influences that have affected the band’s music. The Revs manage to create fury, beauty, angst, humility and a sense of exploration, and neatly slot them into a cohesive whole.

You are left with an overwhelming sense that The Revs make music, because they love to make music.

Paul Brown

★★★★

★★

MARTIN GRECH Push Island

PSYCHID Radio Db Records This indie tune comes across like Radiohead without the teeth. Its plaintive vocals, rumbling bass and a circular guitar shape just wash over you. The melancholic lyrics recall a car ride back home, the singer remembering “something on the radio.” I doubt you will

Alpinestars: Not pictured-Poisoned dwarf off having his sinuses drained

More lush tunesmithery from the criminally underrated Grech. Oozing agony, warmth and fragile beauty, it brings to mind all the best bits of Radiohead, Muse and Jeff Buckley but with a vital edge of originality. This is guy really is amazing, why will noone listen? Rob J

★★★★

Music

VIOLENT DELIGHT I Wish I Was a Girl WEA

humour and dubious politics which obviously override the system are simply too tiresome to bother with. John Widdop

MEDIUM 21 Daybreak vs. Pride Temptation Records

PICK OF THE REST

singles

Gabrielle Twenty Five, possibly named after a Channel 5 sci-fi series, are a soft-rock band who, as the title suggests, sing in Welsh. Unfortunately, despite enough talent to waste money on a glossy release for what is ultimately, a wellproduced demo, GTF lack originality, creativity and a sense of perspective. Y Dyn Heb Ddyfodol is charming but repetitive and stagnant.

Although, what more can you expect from a song about standing among daffodils?

Dave Gibson

The Optimist, you can’t help but feel that they won’t be hearing the Brucie catchphrase “Didn’t they do well?!” for some time yet.

Tim Carne

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GRiP

PICK OF THE REST GOLDRUSH Extended Play Truck Pretty cut-throat is the music industry. There’s a nasty tendency for categorically pleasant acoustic bands to plummet into the black hole of indie-obscurity post-debut album; if they make it that far. They can, and usually do complain drunkenly to anyone who’ll listen about how evil the “game” is (in the style of The League of Gentlemen’s Les McQueen, exCrème Brulee). Unless they’re Goldrush, who’ve beefed up their already wonderful songwriting into an urgent, meaty sound that suggests that the Oxford kids really, really mean it. For example, take it as a personal challenge to find a song as beautiful or inspiringly lifeaffirming as a newly reworked Let You Down. Nice to hear someone taking a bit of initiative.

Jamie Fullerton

★★★★

HELL IS FOR HEROES The Neon Handshake Chrysalis Naming yourselves after a film starring Steve McQueen and James Coburn would usually mean setting yourself up for a rather nasty fall, but with their debut album, The Neon Handshake, Hell is for Heroes have met all expectations.

With kinetic, never let up, tracks like Out of Sight, I Can Climb Mountains, and You Drove Me To It, bristling with enough energy to match lead singer Justin Schlossberg’s on stage Monkey Boy antics (Mountains aren’t the only thing he can climb, try amps, lighting rigging, etc), The Neon Handshake forms one of the most promising debuts of the year. Neil Blain

★★★★

MORPHINE The Best Of Morphine Rykodisc Alt.-country veterans Morphine have been strumming away for over a decade now, since even before every two-bit singer with an acoustic guitar and a touch of the hoedowns jumped on the bandwagon.

They’ve filled their time with wonderfully affecting vignettes of small-town emotion, all held together by the gravelly subtlety of Mark Sandman’s voice.

Framed by gentle brass and guitars, it’s a voice which can convey moods with the slightest change of inflection: the black humour and pathos of Jack And Tina, a dark tale of star-crossed lovers, or the infinite gentleness of You Look Like Rain. Music for rainy Sunday afternoons.

Alex Macpherson

★★★★

Album of the fortnight...

THE SLEEPY JACKSON The Sleepy Jackson Virgin Buying new music is very much a hit and miss process; there’s a lot of average stuff out there and it’s not all rubbish, but now and again you will be lucky enough to stumble across an absolute treasure, The Sleepy Jackson are one such find. Lauded by the NME as one to watch (please don’t let that put you off), and hailing form Perth, Australia, they are an exhilarating breath of antipodean fresh air.

The explosion of sound between short cranky opener Not Crying and upbeat Mercury Rev soundscape of Good Dancers lifts the spirit and sets The Sleepy Jackson: Featuring the tone for an album which never stays in the same place for long. guest appearances from Chris Upbeat moves to disturbing with the droning voices of Sunkids before Moyles and Johnny Knoxville... heading back to joyful with the clap along wake up call of Caffeine In The Morning Sun. The flowing country sprawl of Miniskirt drips with sunshine and freedom whilst the closing lament Let Your Love Be Love conjures up images of an in key Shane McGowan hanging off a piano and serenading his local at closing time.

This really is dynamite stuff, beautiful, joyous, moving, dark, it has everything, warm atmospheric production complementing the high edgy vocals of head ‘Sleepy’, Luke Stele. The one disappointment is that it’s a mini album, clocking in at just over twenty minutes. You’re left just wanting that little bit more, but that said, it’s still a concise and beautifully crafted gem. Rob Jackson ★★★★

Worth waking up for with this latest slavo on the superb Big Dada imprint.

Bold, brassy and in your face, the Majesticons enter the party with a fine set of tunes and even finer threads. A rolling collective of artists, rappers Laika:Not to be confused with the first dog in and singers all space under the wing of uberINSANE CLOWN POSSE producer Mike Ladd, The The Wraith Shangri-La Majesticons bring some D3 glamour and style to the alternative hip hop arena. From Roll up, roll up! Boys and girls! the beats and scratches of They’re here, the D12 Fader Party to the slinky funk rebranded for the Dungeons & of Majestwest Party, the group Dragons cult! So Slipknot have keep it varied and of the been hung on the noose of the highest grade. Not everyone’s a genre they exploited to death, bottle of Cristal, but fans of and plastic chainsaw recent Timbaland productions brandishing is where the kids or Ms. Dynamite’s storming are at. Keep the crazy get-up debut could do far worse than and the bullied-at-school checking this out. Andy Parsons nicknames (in this case, Violent ★★★ J and Anybody Killa), add your own hip-hop beats, and little LAIKA Joey can happily bop to his teen-angst until he’s old Lost In Space (1993-2002) enough to start drinking away Too Pure the blues.

They’re the most influential Irresponsible to the point of band you’ve never heard of: genius - watch as they “murder swimming in the calmer seas of your face” in Thy Staleness trip-hop and electronica, Laika’s and wallow in the glorious subtly atmospheric dream subversion of Bitch Slappaz. If world has been visited by such ICP took away the commercial luminaries as Tricky, Stereolab appeal of their music, they and Radiohead. Over their could well be hazardous to nine-year career, the Laika your mental state; in the sound hasn’t changed much, meantime, they remain in the core-duo of Margaret comically bad taste. If David Fiedler and Guy Fixsen having Blunkett doesn’t censor them opted instead to refine an first, Insane Clown will, indeed, existing formula. “slap yo ass to the back”.

At times, it’s refined to sheer Dave Gibson perfection, and the highlights of ★★ this 2-CD retrospective are many: the frenetic THE MAJESTICONS claustrophobia of Bedbugs, Beauty Party Fiedler’s sexed-up ghost vocals on Go Fish; Badtimes’s rapier Big Dada wit and the languid flute solo around which Shut Off/Curl Up Mike Ladd’s epic battle pivots. Add in goodies such as between the old school live tracks, b-sides, funny-ass Infesticons and the bling bling liner notes and a fab new track Majesticons continues apace

about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, and it’s the ideal occasion for you to discover their beauty.

Alex Macpherson

★★★★

LOOSE FUR Loose Fur Domino Wonderful sounding concept. Alt Rock guitar superstar Jim O’ Rourke jamming with the good half of Wilco. Dreams of a seminal laid back lo-fi country masterpiece anyone? Right? Wrong!

Whereas the music performed independently by both parties is intelligent, bittersweet and to the point, put the two ingredients together and you have loose fur: overly long, overly self indulgent and so dull it makes the last Lambchop album sound as vibrant as Prince in comparison.

There are just enough elements of O’ Rourke’s Sonic Youth chug and Jeff Tweedy’s twang to make Laminated Cat and So Long bearable, but ultimately, Loose Fur is like painting only in yellow: a pretty colour but ultimately overbearing and one dimensional. John Widdop

★★

long tracklist.

Giving the mix a real lo-fi edge is DFA’s remix of Le Tigre’s Decepticon; there’s a sleazy flavour of the eighties in Red Zone’s mix of Stevie V’s Dirty Cash and some quality electronic sounds from Swayzak. Tiga keeps it creative and produces a great vision of how eclectic electro can be.

Kathryn Archer

★★★★

THE BE GOOD TANYAS Chinatown EMI If you find bluegrass distressing, look away now.

The BGTs write albums in which almost every song has a banjo part. As such, the range of moods they create here (the gospel-flavoured Reuben; the beautifully melancholic Horses; the sweet, tearful closer, Midnight Moonlight) is impressive, although the songs can tend blur together if you're not listening fully. The singing is slurred but pretty, and the addition of a cornet on a couple of tracks works wonders.

It's not music for a night out, but if you've a jones for wellcrafted, reflective American folk, this could well be your thing. Cassidy Phillips

★★★

TIGA DJ Kicks !K7 Although Tiga, only spun to fame recently with that cover of Sunglasses at Night aided by Zyntherius, he has been DJing techno and electro for a round ten years now.

This mix album, as part of the highly credible DJ Kicks series, represents more of a longstanding passion for a dirty electro sound rather than a jump onto the bandwagon of electroclash that is now starting to fade. Tiga has created a mix of dirty and sleazy electro which might just last , helped along by the fact that there’s a bit of imagination and no obvious choices amongst the

FISHBONE Live at the Temple Bar and More Nutts Actor Fishbone are a hell of a stupid band. They think that the idea of combining Megadeth guitars with ska horns is a good one. It mostly isn’t, but when it does, Fishbone’s music swings like a horse’s wanger. Soul, metal, reggae, jazz, rock and preaching all get a look in, usually at the same time. Few people like such eclectic bands (and few of those will like Fishbone) but the ecstatic live energy keeps it listenable.

Mat Croft

★★★

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REEF Together- The Best Of Reef Sony

KING CRIMSON The Power To Believe Sanctuary

When a band’s ‘Best Of’ includes just nine hits and five new songs, the mind wonders. Were they writing a new album, decided only five songs weren’t much cop, and shoved their back catalogue on to make up the numbers?

Were the five new songs rush-written to make a nine track greatest hits look respectable? Their general quality suggests the latter.

However, whilst Reef’s brand of primative gravelly surf rock was never exactly firestarting, it was also not as obnoxious as it’s peers, and whilst songs like Yer Old and Place Your Hands have almost completely failed to transcend time with dignity intact, the storming I’ve Got Something To Say and beautifully melancholic and utterly fantastic Consideration sound better than they ever did first time around. The new songs predictably reek of a band at the end of the line, but the best of Reef? Ah, it’s not good, but it’s, all-rightah.

John Widdop

Now here's a surprise: not only is Robert Fripp's dinosaur outfit still going, but they're still pretty decent. This album sounds for the most part like a logical extension of their 70's stuff: odd rhythms aplenty, the same brusque guitar sound, and an electronic, synthetic sheen.

The styles on offer here range from industrial to ambient and heavily bastardised reggae, and are all done well, despite sounding like they just dropped by for a cuppa en route to 1995. The cover art's a bit dodgy, but these spiritual forebears of Tool have come up with a rather nice album.

Cassidy Phillips

★★

VARIOUS Pre-Set volume 1 Mute Following in the footsteps of Fat Cat and Benbecula, Mute release the first in a series of albums showcasing the best of the demos that the label has been sent in recent months. With only one familiar name (omnipresent bleep artist Cursor Miner) it’s a chance for the bedroom bandits of electronic music to prove that you don’t have to live in a bank and produce mind bending videos to create excellent tunes. Whilst some of the material is a bit hit and miss the early-Autechreisms of displacer, the mentalism of Evil Mousepad and developing talent of Cursor Miner are all worth checking out. First prize however goes to Jody k Jenkins, who’s mind bending and bone crunching bassline antics are enough to send even a miserablist like Morrissey running round the room like a chicken on crack. Pluck is possibly one of the finest breaks tracks I’ve ever heard and deserves to receive a proper caning in clubs up and down the country immediately. Better warn the big boys, the next generation is tasting blood and catching up fast.

Andy Parsons

★★★

ALTERNATIVE 3 The Light Years Ahead Floating World Gary Numan meets britpop as electropop is dusted off for 2003: take one measure synth-pop, two measures early-Blur/Suede (1993 vintage) and beat to taste. Glorying in futuristic imagery and optimistic sensibilities, Let’s Go Electronic and Push... are healthy openers. While Heaven Underground’s inevitable failure to create an astroballad leaves a far-superior corpse in its wake. Download proves the highlight, however, as an orgy of Dr Who soundeffects battle behind a vocal-style not heard since the unspectacular implosion of Ultrasound.

Unfortunately, Alternative 3 do not have the linguistic powers of expression to match their concept, resulting in embarrassments like ‘so what’s the deal? Do you wanna feel real?’. Perhaps an Alternative 5 would prove more fulfilling as the three-piece structure leaves the songs under-layered and hollow while the heavy-influence of ‘90s brit-rock creates overkill on many tracks.

Irresistibly tuneful, hopelessly outdated and unsubtly plagiarised.

Dave Gibson

★★

SEAN PAUL Dutty Rock VP Records/Atlantic

★★★

TOSCA Dehli9 G-Stone Full flavoured ear candy from Richard Dorfmeister and Rupert Huber in their smokin’ Tosca guise. Featuring a fine selection of loose low basslines, funky guitar licks and kicking beats, the Austrian duo have delivered yet another series of anthems for the horizontal generation. Guest slots from Earl Zinger and Tweed spice up the album, but its finest moments arrive in the proper funky Mango di Bango and Every Day & Every Night both perfect for dancing either vertically or horizontally. A second cd of tracks based on a piano primer composed by Rupert is also included.

Far more minimal than the album proper, the twelve extra tracks are an interesting enough diversion - but lacks Delhi9’s depth and quality. One for sofa surfers everywhere.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

KELLY ROWLAND Simply Deep Columbia Prior to their current extended hiatus, Destiny’s Child were the biggest and best girl group on the planet. This, the second solo effort to have emerged from their hibernation, is the second to abandon DC’s steel-thighed, cyber-sleek R&B for a distinctly mediocre sound.

Like Michelle Williams’ best-forgotten gospel offering, all that Kelly Rowland’s solo career proves is exactly how much of a star Beyoncé Knowles is: the contrast between Knowles’ thrillingly funky Work It Out single and the midpaced issues-pop which dominates Simply Deep is marked. Only on the stillmagnificent Dilemma and the undulating Beyond Imagination does Rowland display signs of character - but then, backing vocalists tend not to need it in any case. Alex Macpherson

★★

CARTER BURWELL Adaptation OST Astralwerks

★★★★ SALLY CREWE AND THE SUDDEN MOVES Drive It Like You Stole It 12XU There are more than 160 different types of snow. What, you’re bored? Well, not half as bored as you would be listening to SCATSM. The concept, that of minimalist vocals, drums and guitar, is hardly original - ever heard of the White Stripes? Sally’s voice is weaker than your Gran’s and the backing sounds too similar to the sort of thing churned out by DAT machines accompanying “turns” in local pubs.

And another thing, reckless driving is neither big nor funny. Get the bus.

Andrew Davidson

★

MICHAEL MONROE Whatcha Want SDV As my mother used to tell me: if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing.

Alex Macpherson Zero stars

THE MOUNTAIN GOATS Tallahasse 4AD Starting in 1991 with a store bought tape recorder and an acoustic guitar, John Darnielle aka The Mountain Goats, has being prolifically recording and releasing his lo-fi indie rock ever since.

Darnielle’s ‘alpha couple’ characters have featured in songs before, a couple permanently in love but permanently fighting, but now they have an entire album dedicated to their drinking and self destructive spirit in the Florida back water of Tallahasse. So a concept album about sick love in the back end of nowhere? Well it’s neither as pompous nor as dreary as it sounds.

Opener Tallahasse is a quiet acoustic strum, acting as an introduction as the curtain goes back. What follows swings between nostalgia tinted regret and full blooded murderous hate. Game Shows Touch Our Lives contemplates love and the alcohol which keeps the couple together; “I handed you a drink of the lovely little thing/on which our survival depends.” The churning rock of See America Riot reflects a seething pit of drunken anger.

Tallahasse may be a concept album dealing with destructive subject matter, but you won’t find any pretension or lecturing, it’s a fine collection of songs, touching lyrics and mournful guitars, combining beautifully to tell a story.

Rob J

★★★★

Music

Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jonze’s latest masterpiece opens soon in the UK, already nominated for several Oscars it promises to be an excellent and suitable follow up to the insane genius of Being John Malkovich.

However, having not seen the film yet, it’s hard to tell how well this complex soundtrack works with the film. Mixing live orchestration with angular electronics and struck metal this cd weaves an intricate web of emotion and intrigue.

Whilst not as instantly individual and moving as Michael Andrews’ score for Donnie Darko or as symbiotic and stunning as Clint Mansell’s work on Requim For A Dream, Carter Burwell provides a fascinating accompaniment to what is sure to be a fascinating film.

Plus, it features Happy Together by The

Turtles which is one of the all time classic love songs of the sixties.

Different, but ultimately rewarding.

Andy Parsons

albums

Bar the occasional, and largely regrettable, incursion into the charts generally thanks to an excruciatingly bad ★★★ summer novelty hit - the profile of reggae, both in the UK and the US, has been low. Given the genre’s resistance to the mindbending innovation which has turned hiphop, R&B and UK garage into the illest sounds around, though, it’s not so surprising; however, the arrival of Sean Paul should see the situation transformed.

Clearly a disciple of the Neptunes/Timbaland school of production, his Dutty Rock LP is saturated with sparse grooves and spacey reverb; indeed, Jamaican patois aside, Sean Paul’s reggae roots are at times barely noticeable. At its best, it’s infectious, top-notch stuff. Current single Gimme The Light pulses with an Sean Paul:pull my finger, see what happens imperious charisma,

while Like Glue tosses its lascivious filth around like so much spilled bodily fluid.

Tweny-two tracks and seventy-five minutes in length, there’s ample time for Sean Paul’s strutting machismo to become irritating and for his beats to lose their edge, but it’s an impressive debut nonetheless.

Alex Macpherson Tosca: Richard Dorfmeister sporting the Eraserhead “look”.

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GRiP The prospect of The NME Tour hitting the Union aroused reminiscent feelings of bygone festival summers.

A chance for people to see a variety of rising bands with cheap drinks and just on your doorstep.

With four glorious groups to cram into one evening, Irish band The Thrills began the night promptly. Their music was a chilled out blend of acoustic shoe-gazing numbers and harmonica driven more upbeat footstompers. The crowd-pleaser Santa Cruz competed their set perfectly and warmed us up admirably for what was to come.

Second band of the night, Interpol are four suave, suit-clad New Yorkers with edgy haircuts and an array of fantastic moody soul churning tunes. Their sound has been compared to that of the legendary Joy Division and Echo and the Bunnymen, but their performance and music was less intense tonight, sadly due to their short set.

Songs like NYC lulled the crowd before fantastic renditions of PDA and Obstacle 1 sent the crowd wild and definitely guaranteed Interpol some new fans.

By far the most eclectic and memorable part of the night though was from a 27 piece, (yes, 27) white robed group, known as The Polyphonic Spree. Their sound included various orchestral instruments such as a delicate harp and atmospheric tubular bells. Awe-struck spectators watched as an energetic and uplifting set was performed with an overwhelmingly spiritual feel to it. A rendition of Soldier Girl raised a song from everyone while the rest of the set got us all dancing, nodding fervently and throwing our arms into the air.

As the various instruments were strummed, hit, blown and the singers voices were raised, it was impossible not to feel drawn into the performance. At the close of the set, there was a mutual sense of physical and mental exhaustion from the band and the crowd alike. It was a truly unmissable experience.

However, if you weren’t quite tired out by that, there was still The Datsuns to perform. Smashing onto the stage they completed the night with a harder rock set.

Although they were more of an acquired taste than the previous acts, they were nonetheless well received especially hard-hitting versions of their hits In Love and Harmonic Generator.

Leaving the Union at the end of the night there was a feeling that a musical journey had taken place.

Exhausted and euphoric you were greeted by Cardiff rain, yet you didn’t give a shit. Isn’t that what rock ‘n’ roll is all about?

Rachel Pegum and Sebastian Swift.

Melody Makers EASYWORLD/LONGVIEW Bristol Fleece & Firkin Longview struggle to seduce the audience from their poor vantage-point between two considerably more uptempo bands. To their merit, they pour their hearts into the performance but the over-familiarity of their style and structures fits awkwardly alongside the creativity of their tour-mates. If the world desired another acoustic band, Longview would be welcome to the throne. As it is, let’s hope they find that crucial edge their music currently lacks. ... And welcome Easyworld. Though on record they may echo Feeder, the live forum is a perfect opportunity for their disassociation to begin. Lines like: “you make me want to drink bleach” chew enough vitriol to no longer sound empty promises, while You & Me shakes free from its Symposium influence to musically match the lustful desire of its content.

In two months’ time, you may never hear from any of these bands again and that, boys and girls, is an unjust tragedy.

Dave Gibson

THE GET UP KIDS/ KOUFAX University of London Union A good venue, the Union’s hall is less than half the size of the Great Hall, resembling the ageing drama theatre of a well off high school.

Unfortunately support act Koufax are disappointing. They could be the ‘Kids cousins; similarly hailing from Kansas City and label mates on Vagrant, they produce a watered down version of the headliner’s sound which only reaches the same standard in patches. More touring and stand out songs are needed, so you shouldn’t expect them to make an impact any time soon.

The Get Up Kids’ outstanding set runs from their early material, pitched at

the melodic end of hardcore to their latest chilled Coldplay style yearnings.

They begin with the raucous Holiday, opener on their incredible Something To Write Home About LP. However the band then surprise the adoring crowd by deliberately avoiding the album’s gems until the encore, focusing on showcasing the more mellow delicacies of the new record On A Wire. Songs such as Kamp Fire Kansas and Hannah Hold On show off the soaring vocals, layered guitar intricacies and keyboard subtleties that make up this exceptional five piece.

The crowd’s passion for a very personal band is obvious by their echoing back of every line. The encore is delightful. It starts with a brilliant cover of The Cure’s Close To Me followed by the slick Action And Action, the song Sum 41 will spend all their career trying to write. After a whirlwind hour and a half the band leave with a blistering rendition ofTen Minutes. The crowd file out knowing they have witnessed something special; a highly talented, thoughtful and intimate band, who don’t slip below a 100% effort and passion throughout their live show.

Enys Launder

GOLDRUSH/THE KEYS/HEADTEST Clwb Ifor Bach Headtest kick off tonight’s proceedings by entertaining the cross legged masses with a dose of fairly bog standard indie guitar rock. Tunes such as Friendly Bombs are pleasant enough, but their set remains largely uninspiring.

Thankfully, The Keys escape any such dreariness. Complete with cowboy shirts and a man who looks exactly like Blade playing the accordion, they deliver perfectly crafted, sun drenched melodies that almost make you believe it isn’t minus two degrees outside. The singer croons his lilting countrified songs like

Fran Healy with a soul (and a bottle of Jack Daniels), and shows us that the ever expanding Keys are going from strength to strength. This impressive performance from tonight’s local heroes gives Oxford’s Goldrush a particularly hard act to follow.

With a meatier sound than the band’s indiefied appearance suggests, and a bouncing frontman who looks like everyone’s cheeky younger brother, they pull off their headlining slot with ease.

Their sunny guitar pop tunes and boundless cheeriness means that Cardiff’s arctic wind battered masses leave Clwb Ifor Bach just that little bit warmer than when they arrived.

Maria Thomas

SOLEDAD BROTHERS Barfly Most bands would probably have called it quits if they’d lost a drummer midway through a European tour but the Soledad Brothers still managed to pull off some ass-shaking rock ‘n’ roll.

Although perhaps lacking the intensity of some of their more famous Detroit counterparts, the band make up for it in relaxed cool. Teenage Heart Attack was pure ‘64 Stones and I bet Mick only wishes he could come up with a hook like that now.

An instrumental gave the crowd a chance to relax a little before the band stormed into another hip-shaker from their new record Steal Your Soul....

Short and sweet, the Soledad Brothers showed respect to their influences but still had a fucking good time doing it.

Jim White

NERVE 424/HUSK/LARK Barfly Another year, another night, another showcase gig, and another seemingly

photos: Rob Jackson

NME TOUR-THE DATSUNS/THE POLYPHONIC SPREE/INTERPOL/THE THRILLS Great Hall

random selection of bands from the big Welsh book of “who?” It’s nice to know everything’s in perfect order down in the murky underworld and back alleys of unsigned bands, and even nicer to know that some things never change round here.

Husk involve large amounts of drivelling echo-ed up riffs, and urge that “if you like our sound, download it from our mp3 site!” failing to grasp that if we liked their sound, we’d all be at home listening to My Vitriol instead of watching over-enthusiastic basketball players present a goofed up carbon copy.

To play your first ever gig as the band after Husk really is a godsend, and Lark took full advantage of this with a suspiciously accomplished set given their rung on the performing ladder, only tarnished by the singer’s superior degree of indistinction, and the slip of using the two best songs to open and close the set. That left a somewhat yawning chasm inbetween. But still, worth thinking about if you know your Doves from your Elbow.

Which leads us in a merry dance towards Nerve 424, who sensibly added a ludicrous number to the end of their name some time ago, as opposed to calling themselves ‘The Nerves’ and y’know, quadrupling their chances of being famous, and are all the healthier for it. Incredibly sounding halfway between the hey-ho of Blink 182 and the fuck-you riff-a-rama of Shellac, Nerve 424 play tight and furious catscratch riffs and and a delightfully explosive array of build ups and break downs, sung by a guy dangerously level-headed for his grunged up vocals.

Obviously, this all sounds too big, too clever and inevitably too pompous for the Barfly’s shadowy depths, but man, someone give these guys some fans and a massive great stage to emphasise there’s only three of them making such a fucking racket, and we’re home and dry.

John Widdop

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They’ve Scot it IDLEWILD / MCLUSKY The Great Hall Local heroes Mclusky are here to show the young rock kids how to really start a gig. “This is a Shed Seven song” they announce before launching into To Hell With Good Intentions at 100 miles per second “On the other hand we may be being sarcastic” they add as the front 4 rows of the crowd go mad. As subtle as a brick in the face, Mclusky are a perfect reminder of Idlewild’s past - but with the dial turned well past 11.

With a light show that could induce seizures, Idlewild ripped through their opening songs.

Expanded to a five-piece band, guitarist Allan Steward and new bassist Gavin Fox kept the sound very tight, thrashing out the music and almost drowning out Roddy Woomble’s voice.

The acoustics in the Great Hall were not extraordinary, and Roddy Woomble does not have an especially

JUNIPER / INCUS NIC Barfly Sometimes pure talent wins over all else. It takes Barfly a while to acclimatise to the unusual spectacle of an acoustic performance in a venue most commonly associated with sweaty garage-rock. Guided by the stellar vocals of artiste Nic Davies, tonight’s performance ultimately melts the hearts of the indifferent. With clarinet accompaniment provided by possible mentor Adrian Bellwood, Incus Nic provides a musical education for everyone; deeply poetic yet articulate lyrics, passion which crushes the potentially alienating genre it so aptly serves, confidence to push until all conversation turns to murmurs. Take away the inappropriate choice of venue and perhaps we finally have a down-toearth Sinéad O’Connor on our hands?

Mortified with an inability to conjure any musical reference-points whatsoever, I approach Juniper to find that they are equally bemused as to the pop-funk they’ve created. Entertaining and attractive, the Dickinson twins are perfect personifications of their sound which is, essentially, fun. While Tikwe sounds like The Cranberries playing the

powerful voice so at times it was a struggle to hear what was being sung.

Tonight’s gig had several tracks from 2002’s The Remote Part – these sound very raw and under-produced when played live, much more like the Idlewild sound from their earlier albums. However the blend of old tracks and new was spot on – great songs such as When I Argue I See Shapes were played bringing even more excitement out of an already pumped-up audience.

I thought the set was disappointingly short at just over an hour in length. After finishing the main set with American English they did a small encore including the tracks Little Discourage and In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction.

Idlewild, although entertaining, lacked the charisma of other bands - despite his best attempt Roddy Woomble is not The Hives’ Pelle Almqvist.

The music was very good and to an Idlewild fan it was a gig not to be missed.

Andy Lightfoot and Andy Parsons

Chilli Peppers, you’re unlikely to find many of Juniper’s influences in your standard encyclopaedia of popular culture. Flirting with two-tone and Becklike white rap, Juniper slide smoothly between boundaries. While the lyrical content and titles such as Saviour and Hey Jesus may explain the optimism and eager expressionism of their music, this is more than your standard Christian-rock band. And they said the devil had the best tunes...

Dave Gibson

SUM 41 / THE MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES CIA Wow, you wait for years for some stupendously dumb pop punk and then two come along at once. And on an almighty stage too. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones come onstage to the boom of Edwyn Starr’s War (never has ‘HUH!’ had so much resonance) and apologise for being American and for their part in worldwide politics. Which is all hunky-dory, but it a) falls on deaf ears to an audience more willing to applaud the word ‘bastard’ and b) does not in any way forgive their boring, samey ska-

punk twaddle.

Sum 41 on the other hand probably can’t spell the word ‘politics’, and, to be fair to them, it wouldn’t suit them or their fans. This revelling in the less fine points of life is essentially what Sum 41 ARE. But amid the repetitive jokes and rock posturing, moments of brilliance leak out; the bouncy Motivation and self explanatory All Messed Up for instance, and whilst their high-octane take on punk pop melody is not without fault, you can’t help but grin and realise that when they put their minds to it, Sum 41 are three quarters of the way to being a good band, and if they stopped fucking about and sat down for five minutes they could even up that percentage.

Of course, they then play preposterous over-the-top heavy metal pastische Pain For Pleasure as a set closer and it’s the best song of the whole night. Dang. John Widdop

INME / JARCREW MS1 Club Jarcrew are a hard act to follow. They sound like a bastardisation of The Smiths and Refused getting some serious head from Peaches, and God

knows they’re enjoying it. With a great onstage presence and mental eclectic sound, the last band in the world you would want to follow them is InMe. It’s difficult to understand their appeal.

Adults don’t like them, they’re not pop enough for children and musos dislike them because they like music; only through a process of elimination can InMe’s fan base be discovered. Her name is Charlene and she is 15. She likes InMe because they are “stunning” and they will only serve to further her desperate attempts to distance herself from pop music and her mainstream clichéd life. The irony is all too apparent.

Live, InMe are nothing short of rubbish. Dave’s vocals are tarred by his inability to sing, shout, hold a note, breathe, laugh and not be a wanker.

They play songs which are tiresome; even the singles, Crushed Like Fruit and Underdose, sound like sub-standard metal anthems being covered by your mate’s band down the local community centre. It’s tiresome, repetitive, throwaway trash. Still, if it makes Charlene happy where’s the harm in them?

The kids will discover real music soon enough; after all, they did like Jarcrew.

Richard Samuels

The joy of sixele

Music

With the evening show all sold out, I scurried along to the afternoon sesh, 14-year-olds, closed bar an’ all. Seeing a band on the back of one lonely single is always a two-sided coin (like there are coins with one). Danger! High Voltage were the words on everyone’s lips, but what else was in store for those who paid a hefty £7 to see the Gomez Addams look-alike snog an OAP with lightbulbs for breasts? Quite an impressive afternoon as things go in fact, although apparently the evening show was understandably more electric (Arf! - electricfied music desk). Apart from the single, the set list was perhaps more varied than anticipated. Including splashes of Joy Division-type keyboard electronica, funky rock and plenty of hyperbole, including an entire song performed with the lead singer facing the back wall. He dances like a reject from the Village People but it works - hopefully the future singles will keep this lot in business for a while yet. Katie Brunt As night time fast approached, the Barfly was swamped by everyman and his neighbour trying to catch a glimpse of the newest stars of 2003. By the time the wonderful Jarcrew had bombarded their way through their usual manic yet sadly short set, the Barfly was a mere sea of excited faces. Electric Six prove themselves to be every bit as charismatic as you’d imagine. They pouted and posed their way through tracks from their forthcoming fantastic album. Next single The Gay Bar went down particualrly well, with frontman Dick Valentine camply strutting his stuff, dancing limp wristedly and driving the crowd wild as many mimicked his moves. Saving Danger! High Voltage until the end of their set meant the crowd got to see that Electric Six have a lot more to offer than a one hit wonder. Brimming with optimism and verve, it was very hard not to be excited by their enthusiasm and awesome disco-pop. Hopefully they’ll be back this summer for the festivals to continue to reminding us of just how damn good disco-beats can be when they’re served up this well. Gemma Jones

live

Photo:Simon Shoulders

ELECTRIC SIX / JARCREW (Afternoon and evening shows) Barfly

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Welcome to the ‘World W

ith a rabidly loyal fanbase and an ear of catchy indie tunes Easyworld have been setting the British toilet-circuit alight on their recent tour. Dave Gibson caught up with them before their recent Bristol gig and gave them a thorough going over about their ‘family’, Junkies and recording their new album in the pits of hell.

Outside tonight’s venue sits Boris, ‘a sound war-horse’ reaching advanced age. Wherever Easyworld travel in Boris, they are met with promotional reminders of an InMe tour merely days ahead. That and a devoted ‘family’ (the band prefer not to call them fans) large enough to fill most venues along the way, though yet to break the band into the much coveted Top 40. While previous attempts You & Me and Try Not to Think were released with such a breakthrough in mind, the band feel current single Junkies far more representative of the Easyworld ethos.

“If nobody buys your music you might as well release the music you wanna release,’ explains singersongwriter Dav Ford, ‘and having done that, it looks like it’s going to chart higher than any of our other things so everyone’s a winner, baby.”

This is Where I Stand has propelled Easyworld from the amateur Fierce Panda releases to the comforting cash-flow of minor-label Jive, yet their artistic control remains unimpeded by the responsibility this brings, with plans announced last summer to record their next album in “the darkest pit of hell”.

“In Coventry,” jokes sharp-featured bassist, Jo Taylor, briefly flinching her stern gaze.

“They’re supposed to be doing it in urban

North London which is pretty grimy,” continues Dav. “I think as far as the whole talking about going dark with it, we’re not talking about a kind of wrist-slashing thing. I for one find sad songs the most enjoyable kind of music - they’re the ones that have a lot more emotional contact, the ones that have (theatrically) ‘the deeper hooks into your very being’. In that respect, it’s more about reaching deeper into yourself. It’s more daring in many ways; it’s a bit scary and has a bit more passion to it.”

The fact that Easyworld neither look, nor sound like stars is irrelevant to their purpose. NME’s Sarah Dempster’s recent, unconstructive dismissal of Junkies is met with general indifference by the band, who see the paper as engineers, not reporters of popular music.

“In a lot of ways, we could be really frustrated that the NME won’t write about us but it means our popularity can be based on something more solid because we don’t rely on their support. If they turned on a band like The White Stripes and started slating them then their popularity in this country would disappear; whereas the people who like Easyworld have been left in a void to make that decision themselves. They’ve come across it by accident and actually, genuinely like it.”

While the honeymoon period for many press-dependent bands reaches a climax (see NME’s recent ambiguity over The Vines, for example), Easyworld find their ‘family’ growing as the tour continues around Britain’s increasingly popular lowcapacity venues, wooing fans from last autumn’s stint supporting Toploader’s arena tour. Other than the usual grind of recording and promotion, where will the future take Easyworld?

“I think it’ll probably get to the stage when we’ll have to start doing some bizarre jazz projects and stuff like that. ... And obviously at some point in the next few months, I’ll have to develop a smack addiction and get myself into rehab for a bit. Then there’s my affair with Britney Spears to fit in some time around summer, I’d imagine, and that’ll be followed by my untimely death sometime in 2004.”

King Of The Beats F

ormer Drum and Bass pioneer Adam F has recently turned his capable hands to hip hop, crafting an album which has taken the scene by storm both here and in the states. Before his recent DJ set at the union Amy Watkins got to speak to the superstar DJ and discovers what it’s like to work with Redman and LL Cool J and what its like to have Alvin Stardust for a father.

It’s one in the morning. Drum and bass supremo and hip hop heavyweight Adam F has just finished playing to a beat –hungry crowd in Solus. He enters the room looking cool and collected but clearly buzzing from the night. He is full of praise for our fair city and the student masses as he explains, “Cardiff is one of the better towns to play in the UK, the crowds are always so energetic and the vibe is electric. There is a good, strong drum and bass scene here, and at universities you get a get a mixed crowd so you can educate people about music that they might not listen to one hundred percent of the time.”

Adam F received critical acclaim for his Colours album in the mid-90’s, which led to him quickly becoming one of the most respected artists and producers in the underground drum and bass scene.

After a three-year hiatus he returned last year with his KAOS album featuring massive US hip-hoppers such as Redman and LLCool J, and has recently released drum and bass remixes of it by artists like Roni Size, Dillinja, Andy C and Goldie.

“There’s a big fan base of hip-hop in the drum and bass scene, a lot of people were asking me about certain tracks...it seemed natural to get all the underground artists together on one album.” Despite his

changes in musical direction, he is still defensive of his drum and bass roots “the scene has not been as strong as it is now since 1995 – its exploding worldwide. We’ve been to Serbia, Bosnia and L.A and you’ve got producers from Brazil and New Zealand. The amount of music that there is now in a DJ’s box is so varied. There’s been a lot of exposure and success for drum and bass this year without it being watered down or getting really high in the national charts.”

Adam F also now hosts a weekly Saturday night radio show for KISS FM playing all the “grimy beats on the streets”. His eclectic approach to musical methods is reflected in his scoring of the Tomb Raider and Ali G film soundtracks, which, according to Adam, “opened up a doorway for something that I’ve always wanted to do – combine a full orchestral score with lots of influences. There’s nothing quite

“I can see my dad (Alvin Stardust) hanging out with Outkast or someone because he likes wearing all those freaky wigs and flares” like writing a piece of music and then sitting in front of an orchestra watching them play it, then standing in a cinema and watching it be put onto a movie.”

Although he is now planning to work with UK hip-hop acts such as Rodney P and Skitz, and Mark B and Blade he has produced tracks for huge US names, “It was mad. Surreal. These are people I’ve grown up on. Hip-hop is like this mad business thing, rather than pay everyone it was like favour for favour, doing tracks for each other and building up an album that way.”

Although he grew up in a single parent family, his dad is none other than… Alvin Stardust! Given Adam’s huge success and range of famous friends ready to sing his

praises, I wondered if his dad liked his music - to which he replied; “I don’t really see him to play him stuff but I can’t really see him hanging around with Goldie or Grooverider.

Maybe with Outkast or someone because he likes wearing all those freaky wigs and flares!”

Alvin doesn’t know what he’s missing.

17

Moore than they bargained for STUPID WHITE MEN...AND OTHER SORRY EXCUSES FOR THE STATE OF THE NATION Michael Moore Penguin

H

ave you ever looked at President Bush and wondered how he managed to become the most powerful person in the world?

A man who had never been outside America before he became president, and a man who almost died choking on a pretzel? Well, Moore has, and in this wonderfully insightful book he describes how the presidential election of 2000 was actually a coup, with Bush’s cousin in Fox announcing Bush had won before all the counts were in, election rigging in Florida and finally a ban on recounts from Republican cronies in the supreme court.

But Moore doesn’t just go after the Republicans. He offers to pay for a Republican and Democrat merger claiming that “the Republicans tell you they’ll screw you; the Democrats don’t, but then do it anyway”. Moore then moves on

GRiP

to describe how the the reader to do something Palestinians should rise up about it by whatever means, be against Israeli occupation it buying fuel economy cars or using Gandhi-style nonwriting letters to senators. violence, and writes to Arafat If you want to be informed explaining that he would be about how the superpower that more than happy to join them is the USA thinks, works and in their protest. reacts in a cultural and political Despite Moore’s critique of way, whilst at the same time racial conflicts, environmental laughing embarrassingly loudly, issues and this is the book racism, the real President Bush - a for you. It is very villains of the compelling and man who had piece are the the “facts politicians. boxes”, eg never been Bush and the describing the outside America day in the life of Democrats are dealt with Bush before he became George mercilessly, (8:30 am and although president. A man Breakfasts in the opening - Rumsfeld who almost died bed chapter dealing reads him with the 2000 horoscopes and choking on a elections comic books) will pretzel borders on have you in conspiracy stitches. On theory, you come away with a occasion, Moore’s tone real feeling of indignation becomes slightly about how the very rich and condescending but these privileged of America are ruling moments are rare and once the most powerful country on the book is finished you should the planet. This is Moore’s feel entertained and aim, because throughout the enlightened. Charlie Jeynes book he passionately calls on

Where there’s a Hill there’s a way PROSPECT HILL Richard Francis 4th Estate

P

external, non-individualised set of standards with which to judge actions. This redrawing of conventional morality is part of the atmosphere of re-birth and re-shaping pervading the novel and gives it a sense of freedom.

The construction of and relations

between the characters make the novel readable and enjoyable, if at times a little convoluted. It is realised with flair, is compelling and has enough suspense to keep the pages turning.

Steven Fishbourne

My bloody valentine THE LOVERS Alice Ferney Atlantic

Books

I

n The Lovers, Ferney sets out to address universal themes of love, romance, age and marriage by describing (in minute detail) the lives of her tenuously linked central characters. So amongst others, we meet Gilles, a man who “gets quite angry thinking about women”, Max (“just a cheque book” to his wife) and Melusine (angry and drunk). As they stumble through their messy lives, Ferney examines the complex games men and women play, and the confusing, often bitter, nature of love.

The prose is elegantly written. Reader’s can’t help but enjoy descriptions such as “as the sun sank low, the stones of the grand old apartment building glowed orange like heated metal”. However, it seems to take about ten chapters for anything to

actually happen. No matter what your disposition or literary taste, you will end up longing for a car chase or an explosion - anything to avoid another hopelessly whimsical description of a woman’s pretty sundress.

So maybe this is the perfect book for a lazy beach holiday in which half you’re brain isn’t functioning properly. It is only in this situation that you could mistake endlessly repeated clichés such as “the hands on love’s clock move more slowly for women than for men” and “surely tears are the last words of every love” for meaningful prose in the tradition of John Donne.

Ferney’s message ultimately seems to be that there’s nothing darker than love that’s gone sour. Which Andrew J Cairns managed to say in one line! There are many, many better books you could be reading this year.

Maria Thomas

reviews

rospect Hill describes a society in a state of flux.

The novel is set in 1970 and concerns the unlikely relationship between feisty, middle-aged and unattractive Tory town Councillor May Rollins and her political opponent, Labour Party member and Parliament hopeful, young Trevor Morgan. Local politics hardly seems promising subject matter for a novel; however, surrounding Trevor and May are a bewildering array of lovers, family, friends and acquaintances who are all choreographed into a dizzying dance which manages to lift the novel far above its apparently mundane content.

It is, overtly, a story about the lives of the members of Costford, a town in Northern England, and the novel’s rather slow opening promises little more than a chronicle of the interwoven fortunes of several of the towns inhabitants. The plot centres around a development of high-rise flats called Prospect Hill and

politically May and Trevor are at characters progression and odds over the scheme. Trevor, triggers a change in both their however, also has problems in private and public lives, causing his private life, as his mother has them to move in new and recently died and his marriage is unexpected directions. in tatters; in his distress he turns The idea of a to May for support. The plot compartmentalised life, where becomes Re-telling sections of steadily more complex, the story from the sucking in an increasing perspective of the number of different characters members of the community in explores plurality of surprising ways opinion until it becomes apparent that the characters are vehicles for a different spheres can be kept wider social dissection. Francis separate is undermined, as none attempts an analysis of the of the characters succeed in shifting nature of a society which keeping their various roles - be it is making decisive breaks with daughter, spouse, lover, its past. councillor or businessman It is a novel separate from one another. The about reversal, blurring of boundaries is central changes of to the novel as it consistently perspective and undermines the oppositions new beginnings. created by society. The Change is difference between private and frequently personal lives, home and work, conveyed love and sex are consigned to through the the melting pot of interactions slightly morbid between characters and the presence of results are at times surprising, death that hangs shocking and moving. The within the novel’s novel is an intriguing re-analysis light, fast-paced of human interaction which and often comic alternates from the sensitive to atmosphere. the brutal.

The death of a This plurality of viewpoints parent or close friend is often an constantly questions the socially important turning point in a acceptable and the myth of an

gair rhydd 17 02 03

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INTERNATIONAL NIGHT OF MYSTERY

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GRiP

Roll up, roll up, get yer tv listings ‘ere! Come, my pretties, and experience the carnival of pleasure that is TV Desk...

The Brits: Who cares wins Monday 17 February

Weekone Comin’ atcha, Cleopatra!

Well, TV Desk actually. But then you knew that. And if you didn’t, what kind of misinformed foole are you?

Hmm? Are you some kind of TV-hating eeejit who, like, hates TV or something, like us? Are you, hey?

Ahem. Sorry about that.

TV Desk is feeling exceptionally violent today for no apparent reason.

However, the BBC’s screening of Kevin Smith’s meisterwork of slackerdom Mallrats (BBC1, Monday 17 February, 12.50am) cheers us immensely. While the film’s predilection for dick ‘n’ fart jokes meant that

pant-soilingly scary film ever made.

Praise be for the re-vamped (emphasis on the vamp) Crossroads (ITV1, Tuesday 25 February, 5pm)! It’s a work of pure tack genius that borrows liberally from the old style soap opera greats.

There’s Alexis Colby (or was it Carrington?) from Dynasty reincarnated in the botoxed figure of Jane Asher. There’s Madge from Neighbours reincarnated in, well, Madge from Neighbours. And topping it all off are the studly American sons of the hotel’s owners (twins no less!), obviously a semi-homage to those forgotten double beauties of Neighbours’ yesteryear, the Alessi twins.

Add to this a generous helping of loopy storylines (a girl giving birth in the hotel lobby and Kate O’Mara as a cigar-smoking gambler hellbent on bringing the hotel down to her own dirty level) and you’ve got television history in the making. In years to come, your children will be trading much-worn video

League and might well give the ‘pool a run for their money.

Prediction: 1-1.

There’s a film tonight called The Sex Substitute (five, Friday 21 February, 11pm), and we know nothing about it.

What would the office suggest as a post-V Day sex substitute? “A banana covered in crunchy peanut butter. A sex substitute and lunch at the same time” - says the everclassy TV Amy, before proceeding to declaim the most disturbing lobster story ever. “The biggest hamster in the world. For women only” Mr T. “Gin and fags” - a sensible Gemma. “Assscabies” - Cobliero. “Shit” Riath.

Moving swiftly on from these probes into the collective office mind, we finally arrive at the nadir of television: Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway (ITV1, Saturday 22 February, 7.10pm). It’s a copies of this on whatever the futuristic equivalent of e-bay is and marvelling at 21st tv quality. They will. Promise.

Not that you need reminding, but it’s my civic duty to make sure you know that This Morning (ITV1, Wednesday 26 February, 10.30am) is still going strong.

In fact, since he-who-cannotbe-named left, Fern and Phil have held the flame of daytime tack tv further and further aloft and seem to have gathered a Mark and Lard style audience, complete with increasingly bizarre in-jokes. Best of all, better than Fern’s mum-like bemusement at the lifestyle segments and Phil’s slightly deranged rants, is the relief from seeing Leslie’s sweating visage leering over half-clad models while you munch your cornflakes.

Get the tissues ready, its

game show, but the only prizes are those featured in the ad breaks, making it a truly unholy marriage of base commercialism and no-brow, dumb-ass lite entertainment.

There’s no good reason for this to exist; the only people it benefits are the corporate fucks who get the ultimate in product placement, and the empty-headed, increasingly tiresome grinmeisters Ant and Dec. Go OUT, for God’s sake.

Now! Leave the house!

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals (029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

time for Basic Instinct (five, Thursday 27 February, 10pm). Let’s face it, when Shazza’s flaps aren’t billowing in the wind this film is a crock of shite. But still, habitual purveyor of shite Verhoeven must be given credit for devising one the most memorable scenes in modern cinema history. Actually he directed Starship Troopers so fuck him.

Next up is Derren Brown in Derren Brown: Mind Control (S4C, Friday 27 February, 11.10pm) who describes himself as a psychological illusionist which is a pretty weird concept if you think about it. Amy thinks he’s very sexual but that could be his powers flowing through the TV. Basically he uses his mind to trick people or influence them which is actually very interesting. Honest.

Weektwo

Television

Duchovny’s cool sardonic cynicism to play off. So there TV Amy) Yet those occasions are few and far between, and too often the plots drift off into oblivion, safe in the knowledge that no one gives a fuck anymore.

Tucked away in the wee small hours of Monday morning is the remake of the classic horror film Cat People (BBC1, Monday 24 February, 1.20am). When I say classic you all know I mean rubbish, right? The original film, about a mysterious woman who turns into a cat when aroused never helpful around Valentine’s Day - featured possibly the least scary scene set in a swimming pool ever, and one of those sex scenes where the man keeps one foot on the floor and never opens his mouth when kissing.

Hmm... arousing. Hopefully, this remake - shot exactly forty years after the first and starring Nastassja Kinski - will be slightly more raunchy. If not, get thee to a cinema and watch the remake of The Ring which is apparently the most

of year when mainstream media suddenly claims knowledge of So Solid Crew when it’s been slagging them all year for their lyrics and Jo Whiley claims to be an ardent supporter of bands she never plays on her shows. Yep, The Brits Are Coming (ITV1, Wednesday 19 February, 5.30pm). Lets face it the awards are just a big load of toss. We know Craig David will an award just because he didn’t get one last time. Just give everything to The Streets and punch Whiley when she goes off on her “I’ve supported them from day one” speech.

Sorted. On another note: football. The not so mighty-atthe-moment Liverpool take on French champions Auxerre in the UEFA cup. Liverpool v.

Auxerre (five, Thursday 20 February, 7.35pm). Auxerre looked quite good against the Gooners in the Champions

pickings

Truly, we live in a dark age of culture. This is ably demonstrated by the way that The X Files (BBC2, Sunday 23 February, 10.45pm) - on its fifteen millionth series, and approximately trentfillionth plot rehash - is one of the best things on this week. PostMulder, it’s severely underestimated, and retains the capacity on occasion to both spook and compel.

(Erm... what? Have you actually been watching this?

The series minus Mulder have been passionless and boring.

Gillian Anderson, as fine an actress as she is, needs David

it met with a mauling from critical rottweillers on its release, it’s actually a smart, witty and funny look at bored Young America. Plus, Jason Lee makes me moist.

And that, quite frankly is reason enough to it.

Continuing with TV Desk’s eye on America - very necessary in times like these - The West Wing (S4C, Tuesday 18 February, 10.55pm) provides a rare beacon of hope in a fortnight of dross.

Really, we can’t recommend it enough; a failure to appreciate its genius is a failure on your part.

Unfortunately its that time

Friday 28 February

elevision

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gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Monday 17 February BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Hitting Home: Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Trading Up 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Ground Force 9.00 In Deep 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Panorama: The Golden Hour 11.15 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One Including a documentary on the effects of alcohol on the body.

Do you really need to watch this? Just hot foot it to the Factory of Fun and observe, wryly, as that air-guitaring geek demonstrates the effect of 10 pints. 12.50 FILM: Mallrats Classic! See front page. 2.20 Joins BBC News24

6.00 Open University: A Migrant's Heart 6.30 Simple Beginnings? 7.00 CBBC 9.50 CBeebies: Binka 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Bob the Builder 11.00 FILM: The Red Pony 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Taxi 1.30 FA Cup Sixth-Round Draw 1.35 Afoot Again in the Past 1.50 FILM: I Know Where I'm Going 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Essential Poems (to Fall in Love With) Poetry? On TV? What the fuck’s going on?

8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Shooting Stars With Myleene Klass. Oh, if only the title was literal. 10.00 The Kumars at No 42 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Holidays in the Axis of Evil 12.00 Room 101 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Music and Place: In Tune with America 1.00 Taking Note 1.30 Frederick the Great and Sans Souci 2.00 Secondary Schools

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: Couples in Crisis 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 As Told

by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 The Brits Are Coming Fna... actually no. There can be no fnarring where Kate Thornton is involved. She is evil and wrong - and more importantly, a talentless whore.

You know it’s true you bastards.

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 The Commander 10.30 ITV News at Ten 11.00 First Past the Post 11.30 FILM: Guilty as Sin 1.25 Champions League Weekly 1.50 Football League Extra 2.30 Wish You Were Here...? 2.55 Today with Des and Mel 3.45 Antiques Trail 4.10 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.35 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Trading Up 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 In Deep 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Rail Cops 11.45 Film 2003 12.15 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One Is this the most shameless marketing ploy the Beeb has ever pulled? 1.50 Sign Zone 4.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Framing and Forming 6.30 Paris: Spectacle of Modernity 7.00 CBBC 9.50 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Natural World 1.50 FILM: Dark Command 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Essential Poems (to Fall in Love With) 8.00 Country Parish 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Living the Dream 9.50 Posh Nosh 10.00 Happiness 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Holidays in the Axis of Evil 12.00 Colin Powell: Reluctant Warrior - Profile 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Siena Cathedral 1.20 Ever Wondered? 1.30 Partnerships 2.00 Secondary Schools: History 4.00 Languages 5.00 The Tool Kit to Communicating: Confidence Lab 1-2

Grange Hill BBC1 5pm

River Cottage Forever S4C 11.45am

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 FILM: Only Angels Have Wings 11.45 River Cottage Forever Ahhhh, Hugh FearnleyWhittingstall. You can tick his name off on your TV Amy’s Strange Lust Objects Bingo Card, chums.

12.15 Bagpuss 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad: Arwyn Morgans 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Buried 11.40 V Graham Norton 12.10 Empire 1.10 Royal Deaths and Diseases This week, the horrific and disfiguring illness that causes all royal women’s hair to turn into flicky ash blonde bouffants. 2.10 FILM: Elmer Gantry

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Sherlock Holmes: Dressed to Kill 3.50 FILM: Playing to Win 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 Kings and Queens: Richard III 8.30 Weapons of World War II: Flight Bombers 9.00 FILM: Enemy of the State 11.35 The Honey Trap 12.05 All New Comedy Store 12.35 US PGA Golf Tour 1.25 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 2.15 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 3.45 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v River Plate 5.15 Dutch Football: Ajax v Feyenoord

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: Couples in Crisis 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 The Foxbusters 4.00 Hey Arnold!

4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 The Brits Are Coming 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live: Arsenal v Ajax 9.50 The Real Footballers' Wives A legion of perma-tanned Barbie dolls with designer-clad children named things like Gucci and Rioja just gagging to entertain you with their thrilling world of shopping, tanning and lezzing up.* 10.50 ITV News at Ten 11.25 Champions League Highlights 12.25 FILM: Mortal Kombat 2.05 Champions League: Bayer Leverkusen v Newcastle United 3.40 World Sport 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News *The last part might not be true.

But you never know.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.35 FILM: The Winslow Boy 11.40 Will and Grace 12.10 The Clangers 12.25 The Magic Roundabout 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Slaymaker 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio 9.00 Amdani 9.55 Relocation, Relocation 10.55 The West Wing I’ll hand this over to TV Alex for a few complimentary words: WATCH THIS, FUCKERZ, OR DIE. 11.55 V Graham Norton 12.25 NYPD Blue 1.20 The Richard Taylor Interviews Why is it funny to humiliate people who are earnestly in search of a job? Of course you’re going to do any and every bizarre thing you’re asked to in an interview situation because to refuse would probably fuck your chances of getting the job. Ban this sick filth! 1.45 Artangel: The Battle of Orgreave 3.00 FILM: Danger Within TV Alex talks for the first time about the horrors contained within his CD collection.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Snoop Sisters: Corpse and Robbers 3.40 FILM: The Love Letter 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 Crime and Punishment: People v Wells 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Boomtown 10.50 God Almighty 11.20 Dumber and Dumber 11.50 All New Comedy Store 12.25 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 1.20 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.10 Sunshine Tour Golf 3.00 2002 Winter X Games 4.00 Motorsport Mundial 4.25 Argentinian Football Just enough space to let you know that Kelly Osbourne is a goddess, and well on her way to becoming to the new Courtney Love. And before you ask, yes that is a good thing. Go and buy Shut Up. (She’s utterly wrong TV Alex)

Tuesday 18 February

23

Wednesday 19 February BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Trading Up 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 XperiMENTAL 4.35 Fairly Odd Parents 5.00 Blue Peter 5.20 Hitting Home 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Children's Hospital 7.30 Changing Rooms 7.55 The National Lottery 8.00 UK's Worst... Pet Shops?

8.30 The Food Police 9.00 Hitting Home 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 The Future of Welsh 11.15 They Think It's All Over 11.45 Hot Wax 12.15 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Swiss Toni 12.45 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: This Is Dom Joly 1.15 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Untold Beauty 1.50 Sign Zone: The Life of Mammals 2.50 Sign Zone: Watchdog 4.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Persisting Dreams 6.30 The Celebrated Cyfarthfa Band 7.00 CBBC: Dennis the Menace 7.25 Mona the Vampire 7.40 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Ace Lightning 8.25 Looney Tunes 8.35 Taz-Mania 9.00 Xchange Xtra 9.15 ChuckleVision 9.35 Captain Abercromby 9.50 CBeebies: Rubbadubbers 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Pingu 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 FILM: Sinbad the Sailor 1.00 Lifeline 1.10 Looking Good Tricks 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: The Smallest Show on Earth 3.20 Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Store Wars 8.00 HomeFront 9.00 King of 9.50 E-Mails You Wish You Hadn't Sent 10.00 Marion and Geoff 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Network East Late 12.00 Back to the Floor 12.30 Look What Happens in Hospital 1.00 Galois's Enduring Legacy 5.00 The Tool Kit to Communicating

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: Couples in Crisis 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 3.45 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 The Brits Are Coming 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Coronation Street 7.30 Champions League Live: Manchester United v Juventus: Will there be singing in the streets of Exeter if Man U come up trumps tonight? The smart money is on a score draw.

9.50 Footballers' Wives 10.50 ITV News at Ten 11.25 Champions League Manchester United v Juventus and Real Madrid v Borussia Dortmund.

12.25 Redcoats 12.50 Nash Bridges 1.35 The Brits Are Coming 2.05 Champions League: Manchester United v Juventus 3.40 Football League Extra 4.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News I bet I got more Valentines cards than you, Mr Weston.

BBC1

BBC2

9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Trading Up 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 DIY SOS 8.30 Rogue Traders 9.00 The Conman, His Lover and the Prime Minister's Wife friend to Cherie Blair.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Hitting Home: FILM: Unforgivable 1.10 HomeFront 2.10 Panorama

7.25 Mona the Vampire 7.40 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Ace Lightning 8.25 Looney Tunes 8.35 Taz-Mania 9.00 Xchange Xtra 9.15 ChuckleVision 9.35 SMart on Road 9.50 Andy Pandy 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Bob the Builder 11.00 FILM: Benji 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Taxi 1.25 FILM: The Black Rose 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Shining Lights 8.00 Tony and Giorgio 8.30 How to Be a Gardener 9.00 Horizon 9.50 Trouble at the Top 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Red Dwarf 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.35 Personal Passions 12.55 The Next Big Thing 1.30 In Search of Syphilis 2.00 CyberWar 2.30 Rocky Shores: Life on the Edge

Liverpool v.

Auxerre five 7.35pm

GRiP

The Brits Are Coming ITV1 5.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 FILM: Yentl 11.55 Will and Grace 12.25 The Magic Roundabout 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy Not that I mean to gloat but... up yours Richard! How dare you and your D*ily M*il reading cronies attempt to deprive the world of lesbian schoolgirl pop?

C*nter.

6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd Kelvin asks Alison to go out on a date.

But what else is on Kelvin's mind? Probably something deprived involving Badgers and jam.

7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Jara 9.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 9.30 Cwmni Drwg 10.00 Brookside 11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 Operatunity 1.00 Monkey 2.00 Mark Thomas's Secret Map of Britain

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Snoop Sisters: Fear is a Free-throw 3.40 FILM: Murder on the Rio Grande 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Fisher gets a surprise visitor. Genital warts.

6.30 Family Affairs Benji receives a surprise visitor.

Haemorrhoids. A lot of surprises in the soaps today. And nasty diseases.

7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: City of Angels 10.15 FILM: Donato and Daughter 12.10 All New Comedy Store 12.40 NHL Ice Hockey: Carolina Hurricanes v Boston Bruins 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay 5.35 Fastrax Tristan has special needs...

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: Couples in Crisis 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Prized Possessions 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 Digimon 4.15 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 The Brits Are Here 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Brit Awards 2003 Coldplay, David Gray, Avril Lavigne, Sugababes, Nelly, Pink and Justin Timberlake whore themselves in this industry charade. In a tribute to paedoprincess Avril, the rest of today’s listings will be in Avril-speak.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner 11.00 The All New Harry Hill Show LikE, BiG cOllArS r so LiKe, laSt YeAr. GeT OveR It! 11.35 Night and Day 12.35 Now and Again 1.25 CD:UK Hotshots 1.50 I Spy Eddie Murphy 2.15 Cybernet 2.40 Ghost Stories 3.05 Trisha 4.00 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 FILM: King Rat 11.55 Fifteen to One 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.00 Channel 4 at the races from Warwick and Huntingdon 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 5.55 Friends 6.30 Popty Pop 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm There is tension between Reg and a lot of people today. Wow! Get out of my way, I must watch this show! In case you didn’t notice I was being sarcastic.

8.25 04 Wal 9.00 Ffoi Hitler 10.00 Slaymaker 10.35 20 Things to Do before You're 30 LIKe 30, iS LikE dEAd. GO gEt a SkaTEbOArD aNd LikE cHilL OuT. 11.05 V Graham Norton Right fuck this. It’s not very funny is it? Sorry.

11.35 Frasier Frasier swaps Scott Bakula's autograph in exchange for Hebrew lessons.

Hey, we’ve all done it. I swapped naked photo’s of Tristan’s mum for a Mars bar.

12.05 Carling Homecoming 12.35 Alias 1.30 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 1.55 FILM: Sugar Town 3.35 FILM: In a Lonely Place

6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Snoop Sisters: The Devil Made Me Do It 3.40 FILM: The Gentleman Bandit 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 7.35 UEFA Cup Football: Auxerre v Liverpool: Sports Desk: “Cisse to score and Houiller to have a heart-attack.”

Sport show their nasty side.

9.50 five news 10.00 FILM: The House on Haunted Hill 11.55 All New Comedy Store 12.25 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 1.05 UEFA Cup Football: Auxerre v Liverpool 2.35 Dutch Football: AZ Alkmaar v Feyenoord 4.05 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v Nueva Chicago 5.35 Argentinian Football Highlights TV Alex is polluting our ears with TATU’s cover of How Soon Is Now. I say TATU but it could well be The Chipmunks. Truly evil.

Thursday 20 February

Television

BBC1

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

elevision

GRiP

24

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Friday 21 February BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Trading Up 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 News 1.45 Hitting Home: Neighbours Gah! From whence has this ‘Hitting Home’ lark come? And why? 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 3.55 Chucklevision 4.10 The Scooby Doo Show 4.35 Kerching! 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Hitting Home: Neighbours Boyd learns that Daniel is being abused by his father. Har har, must be this. Hitting! In the home! Domestic violence lends itself to snappy puns so well.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Only Fools and Horses 9.00 Two Thousand Acres of Sky 10.00 News 10.35 Just Up Your Street 11.05 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 11.40 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Appleton on Appleton Riath’s gone all sweaty at the mention of this title. Curious. 12.40 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: 3 Non-Blondes 1.15 FILM: Fist of the North Star Fnarr! 2.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Secret of Sporting Success Sex, drugs and rock’n’roll before important matches. Speaking of sporting success, TV Desk would like to pay tribute to the gorgeous Lina Krasnoroutskaya, who just last week beat Monica “Fat” Seles. Russians rule. 6.30 Asteroid Hunters 7.00 CBBC 9.50 CBeebies 11.00 FILM: Blockheads 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 FILM: Solomon and Sheba 3.20 News 3.30 Living Famously 4.30 Ready Steady Cock 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars: The Sixth Wars Oh, do stop giving this techno-wankery a name which implies that it matters to anyone. 7.30 International Indoor Athletics Athletes’ bodies - yum yum. Watch and drool. 10.00 dinnerladies Jesus fucking Christ, it’s a further abandonment of the rules of grammar here - rules which, as we all know, are the foundation of a civilised society. 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Taken 1.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Happy birthday to TV Amy’s daddy!

3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: Revisewise at School: Maths 2 This week, TV Desk would like to shag Interpol. All of them.

At once. Right now.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: Couples in Crisis Cobliero, watch and learn. 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Making It 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.10 How II 4.30 Lan Jam 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 The Brit Awards 2003: Party On! More foolishness with Kate Thornton and Edith Bowman, who seem to be present at all the parties these days. Well, those cocks won’t suck themselves, you know.

6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Facelift Diaries 9.00 The Last Detective 10.30 First Past the Post 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.30 Shotgun Slideshow 12.00 Dial-a-Date 12.30 The District 1.20 CD:UK Hotshots 1.55 Veronica's Closet 2.45 Entertainment Now! 3.10 Today with Des and Mel 4.00 World Football 4.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.50 Get Stuffed 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 CBBC 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 News 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Six Nations Grandstand 2.30 Rugby Union: Italy v Ireland 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.05 News 5.15 Wales Today 5.20 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: Wales v England So, which of the two will humiliate themselves more?

TV Desk would like to pledge allegiance to one of the two, but we’re not really interested in a sport only played by men who can’t remember how long it’s been since they stuck their cock somewhere airtight. 7.35 The National Lottery: Jet Set 8.10 Hitting Home: Casualty 9.00 Murder in Mind 10.00 News 10.20 Parkinson His guests are George Clooney, Heather MillsMcCartney, Dawn French and Mick Hucknall. Respectively: ancient minger, one-legged vacuous bint, didn’t you use to be funny?, ginger cunt.

11.20 FILM: From Dusk till Dawn 1.05 They Think It's All Over 1.35 A Question of Sport 2.05 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 2.40 Top of the Pops 3.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Weekend 24 9.05 HARDtalk 9.30 Condoleezza Rice: Profile Uber-corrupt bloodthirsty bint who manages to embody every token minority group in America. She’s black!

She’s a woman! She’s got a name like a drag queen! Quick, get her a government post!

10.00 Saturday Kitchen Live 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Afoot Again in the Past 1.00 Full Circle with Michael Palin 2.40 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 3.10 Watching the Detectives: Cagney and Lacey 4.00 Watching the Detectives: Perry Mason 5.30 What the Papers Say 5.40 That Was the Great War That Was 6.20 The Great War: On the Idle Hill of Summer 7.00 Lost Highway: The Story of Country Music 8.00 The Artist's Studio: Titian 9.00 Taken 10.25 Stand up America (if you’re able to support your own body weight, that is). 11.05 Live Floor Show 12.05 FILM: G:MT 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: GCSE Bitesize Revision

The Artist’s Studio: Titian BBC2 8pm

Newsnight Review BBC2 11pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 FILM: The Sound Barrier 11.35 Home Movies... of exstrippers-turned-God-botherers being sodomised by news hacks and subsequently contracting ass-scabies. True story, disturbingly; contact News Desk for further first-hand reportage. 11.55 Fifteen to One 12.25 The Magic Roundabout 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.00 Channel 4 attheraces from Kempton Park and Warwick 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Jara 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Yma Mae 'Nghan 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Y Set 9.30 Grand Designs 10.30 Sex and the City 11.10 V Graham Norton 11.40 The Book Group 12.10 The Salon - After Hours 12.40 Make My Day 1.10 Top Ten - Holiday Hits 2.40 Unreported World 3.05 Skiing on 4: Nordic Combined World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Snoop Sisters: Black Day for Bluebeard 3.40 FILM: Gideon's Trumpet 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Josh and Dani go orienteering in the bush. That is such a great muff-diving euphemism - fnarr!

6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday Home 9.00 Who Killed Tutankhamun?

“Michael Jackson, because he was jealous of his perpetual childhood” - TV Steve. 11.00 FILM: The Sex Substitute 12.40 All New Comedy Store 1.15 FILM: Child in the Night 2.35 FILM: Mister Kingstreet's War 4.00 The Love Boat 4.50 Monsters 5.10 Sons and Daughters

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Planet's Funniest Animals Journalists with predilections for anal sex are right up there. 1.00 News 1.10 On the Ball 2.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

3.10 Nash Bridges 4.05 The Goal Rush 5.10 News 5.40 Blind Date 6.40 New You've Been Framed! 7.10 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway With special guest Tom Jones. *deep breath* There is possibly no sound on this earth more loathsome than Jones’ odious, sweaty grunt of a voice. Leather-skinned, goateyed CUNT! 8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.15 Stars in Their Eyes: Soap Stars Special Given that the point of this programme is that noncelebrities have to pretend to be celebrities, surely a celebrity edition defeats the whole premise? 10.15 ITV Weekend News 10.30 The Premiership 12.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 12.30 FILM: The Fifth Element “Better than the four prequels” - Mr T. “Milla Jovovich! Running around wearing not very much! But Bruce Willis is running to fat a bit in it” - Music Desk. 2.35 CD:UK 3.25 Dial-a-Date 3.50 Entertainment Now! 4.20 Cybernet 4.45 Get Stuffed 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 7.00 Skiing on 4: Snowboarding and Freestyle World Cup 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sport Talk 11.00 Skiing on 4: Alpine World Cup 12.30 The Six Wives of Henry VIII It’s Anne Boleyn’s week! Yay! 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Kempton Park and Lingfield Park 4.00 Leonardo's Dream Machines “I’m the best young piece of ass around!” - Riath.

Cobliero, are you going to take advantage? 5.00 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Cymru v Lloegr What is a ‘lloegr’? A nonsense word, that’s what. “Actually, it means ‘England’” - a sniffy Pseudo-Welsh Desk.

7.30 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.45 Deg Munud Dwl 8.00 Noson Lawen 9.00 Ffoi Hitler 10.00 FILM: Legends of the Fall “Brad Pitt’s not gorgeous in this” - TV Amy, losing interest rapidly. 12.25 Without Prejudice? 1.25 World Rally: Shakedown Shake what down, precisely? 1.55 FILM: Blood from the Mummy's Tomb 3.30 FILM: Dracula: Prince of Darkness Vampires = sexy.

5.00 KOTV Bondage scenes ahoy as TV Steve gets tied up and ass-whipped. Budget bondage, unfortunately, with Sellotape instead of proper leather rope.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.30 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel Isn’t he a porn star? If not, he should be. 10.30 Beast Wars 11.00 The Adventures of Sinbad 11.55 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 12.50 Popular 1.45 Harry and Cosh 2.15 Cleopatra 2525 2.40 The Smash Hits Chart 3.10 Home and Away Omnibus The Worst Excuse Ever: “I’m a girl, I don’t speak to strange men” - TV Amy, trying to get out of ordering the pizza. That would be because your mouth is usually otherwise engaged, slut.

5.15 FILM: The Love Bug 6.55 Charmed 7.45 Dark Angel 8.35 five news and sport 9.00 CSI: Miami 9.55 Law and Order 10.55 FILM: Black Sea 213 Erotic drama in which a fashion photographer finds himself at the mercy of the sexiest group of mercenaries and black market traders ever to roam the high seas. This sounds awesome. 12.30 FILM: Jailbreak 2.10 FILM: Childhood Sweethearts? Mr T and Riath go way back. Quite literally. 3.40 Melrose Place 4.25 First Wave 5.10 Sons and Daughters

Saturday 22 February

25

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Sunday 23 February BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 TV Mail Yes! A programme devoted to the full-to-bursting state of TV Desk’s inbox! Get in on the act, people, and send us emails. It’s where all the action’s at. 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show Jeremy Vine *hearts* 1.00 FILM: K-9 2.30 EastEnders 4.25 Variety Club Awards 5.15 News 5.40 Songs of Praise 6.15 Last of the Summer Wine 6.45 Antiques Roadshow Dunrobin Castle opens its doors in this edition, and previously unseen treasures include a Russian egg and Star Wars memorabilia.

Russian eggs! Oh my days!

(Star Wars crap can fuck off.)

7.30 Holiday Swaps Potentially legendary, this: two disparate groups of people exchange holidays, Wife Swap-stylee; follow the carnage as the Ibiza clubbers find themselves stranded in Belgium and the family with young children end up in Iraq.

8.00 Down to Earth 9.00 The British Film Academy Awards 10.00 BBC News 10.15 The British Film Academy Awards 11.15 FILM: Up 'N' Under Fnarr! 12.55 FILM: Carry On Don't Lose Your Head 2.25 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 CBBC 11.00 BBC Three Highlights on BBC Two: Liquid Assets: Posh and Becks' Millions 12.00 BBC Three Highlights on BBC Two: Celebdaq 12.30 BBC Three Highlights on BBC Two: Dreamspaces 1.00 BBC Three Highlights on BBC Two: Dermot's Sporting Buddies 1.30 Six Nations Grandstand 1.35 Rugby Union 2.00 Rugby Union: France v Scotland 3.50 All-England Badminton Championships 4.50 Athletics 5.15 Congo's Secret Chimps 5.45 Wild Scotland: Ospreys and Pine Martens 5.55 Natural World: Missing, Presumed Eaten 6.45 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 7.15 Scrum V 8.00 Car Junkies 9.00 SAS Jungle: Are You Tough Enough?

10.00 24 10.45 The X Files 11.25 Correspondent 12.10 Johnny Vaughan Tonight is, unfortunately, the same as Johnny Vaughan last night.

12.40 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 1.10 Red Dwarf 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision 4.00 Languages: Talk Portuguese 1-4 5.00 Anger at Work: Fighting Fury One for TV Steve, tonight’s Mr Stroppy.

“You touched! My chair!”

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.30 Miffy and Friends 10.35 Tractor Tom 10.50 Engie Benjy 11.00 Diocese of Truro 11.30 My Favourite Hymns 12.30 Your Century 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 1.55 HTV News and Weather 2.00 Soccer Sunday 2.30 That's Esther over there!

Quick, get the gun out! 3.00 Carry On Laughing, read TV Desk. 3.10 FILM: The Far Country 5.00 Carol Vorderman's Better Homes ...are still not a patch on the GR media penthouse. 5.30 HTV News and Weather 5.45 Coast to Coast: That Sinking Feeling 6.15 ITV News 6.30 Wish You Were Here...?

7.00 Barbara 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Royal Teamwork brings Ormerod and Weatherill closer than they expect. Fnarr!

9.00 Cold Feet 10.35 The All New Harry Hill Show Driving School's Maureen Rees is fired from a cannon at Neil and Christine Hamilton. You read right. 11.05 ITV Weekend News 11.20 John Meets Paul: A Mediterranean Journey 11.50 Faith and Music 12.20 Crossroads Omnibus 2.25 Trisha 3.20 Ghost Stories 3.45 World Sport 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders Robbie makes the decision of his life. And it’s bound to be the wrong one.

8.30 Celebrity Driving School Raising money for charity are Paul O'Grady, Jade Goody, Gareth Gates and Natalie Cassidy. Let’s hope they meet a sticky end involving a head-on collision with a wall. 9.00 In Deep 10.00 News 10.35 The Exchange with Huw Edwards 11.25 MacIntyre: Parents Under Attack 12.15 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Burn It 12.45 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Body Hits 1.20 FILM: Cat People 3.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Under the Walnut Tree 6.30 What's Right for Children? 7.00 CBBC 9.50 CBeebies 11.00 FILM: The Face on the Milk Carton 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Taxi 1.25 FILM: A Marriage of Convenience 2.55 To the Manor Born 3.20 News 3.30 Flog It! Oh, TV Desk is familiar with this command. 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Meades Eats: Fast Food 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Shooting Stars 10.00 The Kumars at No 42 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Luther 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Sounds of Paradise 1.00 A Tale of Two Capitals - Paris and Rome 1.50 Ever Wondered? 2.00 Secondary Schools: History: KS3 Curriculum Bites 4.00 Languages: Talk Portuguese 5-6/Brazil Inside Out 1 5.00 Anger at Work: Bullying: A Survival Guide

What’s Right For Children?

BBC2 6.30am

Trisha ITV1 2.25am

S4C

five

6.10 The Hoobs 6.50 Blue's Clues 7.15 Investigators 7.35 Johnny Bravo 8.25 City Guys 8.50 Totally Spies! 9.15 FILM: Carry On Cruising, you’ll come across Sports Desk sooner or later. Possibly playing Doctors & Nurses with each other. 10.50 Dawson's Creek 11.40 Stargate SG-1 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Will and Grace 1.55 A Place in France 3.25 Property Ladder 4.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Cefn Gwlad: Arwyn Morgans 9.00 Amdani 9.55 Newyddion 10.10 FILM: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer 12.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 1.00 America On Trial 2.00 FILM: I Was a Male War Bride 3.55 The Fall of the House of Usher Shout-outs this week to the lovely and gorgeous Marianne, who last week branded us “genius”, and to Jimbo for fixing TV Desk’s CD burner. You’re both stars.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 The Jesus Effect: Christianity's Cultural Impact Lashings of guilt, repression and blind stupidity all round. 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Riath 9.00 Babar 9.30 George Shrinks Just like every other man. Hardly worthy of a programme devoted to his little problem, really. 10.00 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 Revelations “I fucked a stripper up the arse” - Ass Scabies Desk. 12.00 Rooted 12.35 The Smash Hits Chart 1.05 five news update 1.15 FILM: Grizzly Mountain 3.05 Great Artists 3.35 FILM: Monte Walsh 5.25 Dream Holiday Home 6.00 five news and sport 6.20 FILM: 3 Ninjas Kick Back 8.00 Ultimate Spy Planes 9.00 FILM: Lethal Weapon 3 11.25 World's Wildest Police Videos 12.20 NHL Ice Hockey Live: Chicago Blackhawks v Dallas Stars 3.30 NHL Ice Hockey Replay 4.30 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 News 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips can be put to very good uses indeed; it’s entirely possible that none are suitable for broadcast at this early hour.

4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale Nicola puts on a brave face after being manipulated by Mack. Fnarr!

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street A double dose of elderly misery gah! 9.05 Loving You “... is better from behind” - News Desk.

10.40 ITV News at Ten 11.10 The Premiership on Monday 12.10 Champions League Weekly 12.40 Football League Extra 1.15 Wish You Were Here...? 1.40 Today with Des and Mel 2.30 Antiques Trail 2.55 Entertainment Now! 3.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.45 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Grmph, two fucking lines to fill and no jokes left. Oh, no need now.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight *TV Desk attempts to tell it straight* *fails* 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 River Cottage Forever 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd Who is the stranger talking to Gemma? “Well, I wouldn’t know who it was if they were a stranger” - the lady herself. Wisdom incarnate.

7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad: Olwen Griffiths 8.30 Can i Gymru, Dewis yr Wyth 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Buried 11.40 V Graham Norton 12.10 Empire 1.10 Royal Deaths and Diseases The award for Best Royal Death has, of course, got to go to Anne Boleyn, whose lips continued to move even after she was beheaded with the sword. You just don’t get that sort of class with royals nowadays - they just die in car crashes like any commoner.

Pah. 2.10 FILM: Town on Trial 4.00 Schools TV Desk’s favourite cocktail of the moment - the Stoli/Bolly mix, aka the Jill Dando: one shot goes straight to the head.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan and Wife: No Hearts, No Flowers 3.40 FILM: Arthur Conan Doyle's The Sign of Four 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Robert denies that he is having an affair with Cat. Well, no man likes to be accused of bestiality. The last taboo! 7.00 Live with...

Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news 8.00 Tim Marlow on Titian 8.30 Weapons of World War II: Gliders 9.00 FILM: The Bone Collector 11.20 The Honey Trap Three girls attempt to put a group of men through their paces with outrageous demands. In this edition lugging huge slabs of concrete around. They may have to rethink that ‘outrageous’ part.

11.55 All New Comedy Store 12.25 US PGA Golf: Nissan Open 1.15 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 2.05 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 3.40 World Wakeboarding Championships 4.30 Dutch Football

Monday 24 February

Television

BBC1

elevision

GRiP

26

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Tuesday 25 February BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Diagnosis Murder Oh joy oh joy oh joy of joys! Mark “Messiah of Daytime TV” Sloane returns! Cancel all other appointments, ignore that seminar and say a metaphorical ‘fuck you’ to university education - nothing should interrupt this piece of televisual genius. 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 In Deep 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Sir Bobby at 70...

Just Call Me Bobby 11.55 Film 2003 12.25 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One 2.00 Sign Zone 4.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Sonnet 6.30 Musee D'Orsay 7.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 7.25 Mona the Vampire 7.40 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Ace Lightning 8.25 Looney Tunes 8.35 Taz-Mania 9.00 Xchange Xtra 9.15 ChuckleVision 9.35 SMart on the Road 9.50 CBeebies: Little Robots 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Bob the Builder 11.00 The Phil Silvers Show 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Taxi 1.30 Trade Secrets 1.40 Living Famously 2.40 am.pm 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: A Voyage to St Kilda 8.00 Country Parish 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Living the Dream 9.50 Posh Nosh 10.00 Manchild 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Luther 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: France in the Viewfinder 1.00 The Chemistry of Creation 1.30 The Chemistry of the Invisible 2.00 Secondary Schools For both Pop and Justice, go to www.popjustice.com. They also have a thing for J.Tiddy.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 The Foxbusters 4.00 Hey Arnold! 4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House ...rather like Blondie’s I Want That Man, but with soft furnishings. And no Debbie Harry, in case you were wondering.

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live: Juventus v Manchester A hearty thanks goes out to Marianne the bored post-grad who texted to say that TV is the best bit of the paper. Bless you, my child, a generous stockpile of Diagnosis Murder tapes awaits you in TV Heaven.

9.45 Hitting the Bar 10.45 ITV News at Ten 11.15 The Brits Backstage 11.45 Champions League Highlights 12.50 The Brit Awards 2003 2.40 Champions League: Juventus v Manchester United 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC 5.35 Neighbours Harold offers Lou a kidney. Well, that’s a bit of a shite gift innit? Why not a nice box of chocolates, or perhaps the severed head of Madge Bishop?

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Children's Hospital 7.30 Changing Rooms 8.00 UK's Worst...

8.30 The Food Police 9.00 Crimewatch UK 9.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Crimewatch UK Update 10.45 They Think It's All Over 11.15 Match of the Day 11.55 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One 1.30 Sign Zone 4.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Behind the Mask 6.50 Ever Wondered? 7.00 CBBC 9.50 CBeebies 1.05 Stefan's Ultimate Gardens 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: The Bigamist 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Store Wars 8.00 The Good, the Bad and the Ugly 9.00 Britain's Oldest House: A Meet the Ancestors Special 9.50 E-Mails You Wish You Hadn't Sent Dear Gair Rhydd, I’d love to write your TV listings!

Love from a naive pre-TV Amy 10.00 Marion and Geoff 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Network East Late 12.00 Back to the Floor 12.30 BBC Learning Zone 2.00 Secondary Schools: History 4.00 Languages: Brazil Inside Out 4-5 5.00 Anger at Work: All the Rage

Girls With Guns five 11.40pm

Cavegirl BBC1 4.45pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Slaymaker The lengths we go to for pizza.

Or, more specifically, the lengths Sport’s Riath will go that is, down. Down onto his football-addled knees to beg Lord of the Pizza Tristan Thomas to satiate his lust. For pizza, that is, pizza. Nothing else. Certainly not his lust for Tristan, oh no.

7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Can i Gymru, Dewis yr Wyth 9.00 Amdani 9.55 Relocation, Relocation 10.55 The West Wing 11.55 V Graham Norton 12.25 NYPD Blue 1.20 The Richard Taylor Interviews 1.45 FILM: Conspiracy of Hearts 4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan and Wife: The Devil You Say 3.40 FILM: Something Borrowed, Something Blue 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news 8.00 Crime and Punishment: People v Curry 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.00 Boomtown 10.55 Killer in the Woods 11.55 All New Comedy Store 12.25 Now is the Time: Night of Combat 2.05 Sunshine Tour Golf 2.55 2002 Winter X Games 3.45 Argentinian Football 4.30 Argentinian Football Highlights

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Footballers' Wives 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner 11.00 First Past the Post Members of the public are given the chance to become a politician for Wales. A genuine attempt at expanding democracy, or the last death rattles of the reality tv genre?

You, the shat-upon public, decide.

11.30 Champions League Highlights 12.30 Redcoats 1.00 Nash Bridges 1.45 Champions League: Ajax v Arsenal 3.25 World Sport 3.50 Football League Extra 4.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Can i Gymru, Dewis yr Wyth “Tristan enjoys bum-love in the aisles of Lidl” - not my words, but Stephen Hawking’s. Oh yes.

9.00 Jara 9.30 Y Byd ar Bedwar 10.00 Brookside Jacqui drops a bombshell on Max. Ouch.

11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 Operatunity 1.00 Monkey 2.05 Poker Club 2.55 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup This fortnight, TV Desk hates: pedantic music critics (yes, Alex, this means you), that polluted feeling you get the morning after chain-smoking 40 cigarettes, The Polyphonic Spree’s album (okay, I don’t hate it. But it’s not a patch on their live performance), losing 31 at home to Australia and spoilt punk-rock faker Avril Lavigne and her stupid frog face.

Nobody likes an Alanis Mk II.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan and Wife: Reunion in Terror 3.40 FILM: Columbo: Dagger of the Mind 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell So, haaaaang on. What happened to obese atrocity Chris “Keeper of Chris Evans’ flame” Moyles? Have they finally kicked him off the googlebox for his crimes against humanity? Not that I give a shit, of course. Moyles can kiss my hairy, puckered a-hole, the talentless fat fuckbag.

7.30 five news 8.00 The Best of Britain's Worst Driver 9.00 FILM: The Rock 11.40 Girls with Guns 12.40 All New Comedy Store 1.05 NHL Ice Hockey: Washington Capitals v Buffalo Sabres 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay 5.35 Fastrax

Wednesday 26 February

27

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Thursday 27 February BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill Bazza, Tommo and Nobber get into more cocker-nee scamp scrapes whilst grooming their careers in preparation for a small role in Eastenders.

5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 EastEnders Robbie and Nita's future is endangered by Wellard. Isn’t Wellard a dog?

Bizarre goings on in East London... all done in slightly morose tone one suspects.

8.00 Match of the Day Live 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 This Week 12.55 FILM: The Hit List 2.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Siena Cathedral 6.50 Ever Wondered? 7.00 Blue Peter 7.25 Mona the Vampire 7.40 The Woody Woodpecker Show 8.00 Ace Lightning 8.25 Looney Tunes 8.35 Taz-Mania 9.00 Xchange Xtra 9.15 ChuckleVision 9.35 SMart on the Road 9.50 CBeebies: Andy Pandy 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Bob the Builder 11.00 The Phil Silvers Show 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 FILM: Guest Wife 2.30 Enthronement of the Archbishop of Canterbury 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Remember Wales 8.00 Tony and Giorgio 8.30 How to Be a Gardener 9.00 Horizon Series 9.50 Trouble at the Top 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Red Dwarf 11.50 Whistle Test Years With Tim Buckley, Captain Beefheart and his Magic Band, Johnny Winter, Dobie Gray and Graham Nash.12.35 Personal Passions 12.55 The Next Big Thing 1.00 To Be Announced 1.30 The Chemistry of a Forest 2.00 Fighting for Space 2.30 Therapies on Trial

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Prized Possesions 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

3.50 Digimon 4.10 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill The guns come out when a key paedophile suspect goes to court. The dangers of looking at pictures of TATU on the net, ladies and gents.

9.00 Spoilt Rotten TV Desk fact-o-rama: TV Alex regularly eats the eggs of endangered birds. He also lives in house with a long gravel drive so he can hear the poor sneaking up on him.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Sleeping with Celebrities 11.30 Creative Road 12.00 Night and Day 1.00 Now and Again 1.45 CD:UK Hotshots 2.15 Catch Me If You Can in London 2.40 Cybernet 3.05 Trisha

BBC1

BBC2

Top Ten TV Bastards S4C 2.10pm

8.00 Ace Lightning 8.25 Looney Tunes 8.35 Taz-Mania 9.00 Xchange Xtra 9.15 Chucklevision 9.35 Captain Abercromby 9.50 Bill and Ben 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Bob the Builder 11.00 The Phil Silvers Show 11.30 Wildlife on Two 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Looking Good Tricks 1.10 FILM: The First Rebel 2.20 Conference 2003 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars 7.30 Clarissa and the Countryman 8.00 Bill Oddie Goes Wild 8.30 The Plantsman 9.00 Timewatch 9.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.00 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Party Conference Broadcast 11.40 Taken 1.05 Buffy the Vampire Slayer

S4C

five

6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Made for Each Other 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Friends 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Can i Gymru 9.00 Brad yn y Bae Is the Assembly a brave new world or a fanciful dream? I almost care...

10.00 Slaymaker 10.35 20 Things to Do before You're 30 Examples from the GR orifice tonight: 1. Write “cunt” in masking tape on the back of TV Amy’s chair. 2.

Shout “Cock, cock, cock, it’s like Bowie on onions!” at the Union security.

11.05 V Graham Norton 11.40 Frasier 12.10 Carling Homecoming 12.35 Alias 1.35 FILM: Bhowani Junction 3.30 Secret Lives

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan: Affair of the Heart 3.40 FILM: Final Justice 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: National Lampoon's European Vacation 9.55 five news 10.00 FILM: Basic Instinct 12.25 All New Comedy Store 12.55 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 1.35 Dutch Football: FC Utrecht v Ajax 3.05 Argentinian Football 4.35 Five Football Replay: Troyes v Leeds Utd

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 The Intervention 2.30 Making It 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.05 How II 4.30 Sir Gadabout 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Ashley learns the truth about Maxine's death. Ferret induced asphyxiation. Nasty.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Facelift Diaries Featuring 59-year-old Veronica, who is hoping to look five to ten years younger, and 23-year-old Anna who is having a nose job.

Muppets.

9.00 The Last Detective 10.30 Cloak and Dragon 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.30 Barry Welsh Stays up for St David 12.00 Dial-a-Date 12.35 The District 1.25 CD:UK Hotshots 1.55 Veronica's Closet 2.45 Entertainment Now! 3.10 Today with Des and Mel

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Cynhadledd y Blaid Lafur Gymreig 2003 1.00 Planed Plant Bach 1.45 Pet Rescue 2.15 Pet Rescue 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Jara 7.00 Popcorn Live 7.25 Darllediad Gwleidyddol gan y Blaid Lafur 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Yma Mae 'Nghan Dafydd 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Ryan a Ronnie 9.35 Grand Designs 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.10 Derren Brown: Mind Control Derren Brown uses his abilities to anticipate and manipulate people's everyday reactions, visiting the Tate Gallery and the Old Operating Theatre. This guy is quite the el duderino.

11.40 A Party Political Broadcast by the Labour Party 11.45 The Book Group One the characters is called Fist. A reason to watch in itself.

12.15 The Salon - After Hours 12.45 World Rally: Turkey 1.15 Designer Vaginas 2.10 Top Ten TV - Bastards 3.40 Skiing on 4: Ski Jumping World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan - Dark Sunrise 3.40 FILM: Final Justice 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday Home 9.00 FILM: Jackie Chan's First Strike The story of the day Mr. Chan walked out of his job at McDonald’s due to its anti-union working policies. Alas, he put skills at electric boogaloo to good use in blagging himself a job as a kung-fu guru.

10.40 FILM: A Woman Scorned With Shannon “saggy teats” Tweed. Expect flange and bad acting.

12.35 All New Comedy Store 1.00 FILM: Pretty Baby 2.35 FILM: George's Island 4.00 Monsters 4.20 The Love Boat 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

Friday 28 February

Television

9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 3.10 Doctors Revealed 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 3.55 Chucklevision 4.10 The Scooby Doo Show 4.35 Kerching! 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 6.55 Party Conference Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 7.00 A Question of Sport 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Celebrity Driving School 9.00 Just Up Your Street 9.30 Only Fools and Horses 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Just Up Your Street 10.45 Belonging 10.50 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 11.25 Elton John's Millions 12.25 3 Non-Blondes 1.00 FILM: Black Sheep 2.25 Joins BBC News 24

FILM: Basic Instinct five 10pm

28•

gair rhydd 17 02 03

Features

gair rhydd features section Free Word 735 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

17 02 03

The Maya High Club Just how dangerous is it to backpack around Central America? Chris Parsons pushed the limits when he travelled down from San Cristobel de las Casas in Southern Mexico to Lake Atitlan in Guatemala.

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emonic determination spurred our driver on along the twisting mountain roads, threatening disaster at any minute. Despite our protests, the bald, wideeyed shaman persevered through the mist with only a few feet of visibility, seemingly disinterested in anyone’s safety. Only that day we had crossed the border into Guatemala and in our eagerness to get to Huehuetenango we were putting our lives on the line. Nightfall came. The dangers increased and eventually, after an argument ending in a crescendo of emotion, we decided to stop and sleep by the side of the road. Shivering and hungry in the basic comfort of a tent, Paul and I huddled whilst the others slept in the car. Uppity and annoyed I desperately tried to sleep, jealous of the others in the car smoking, resigning myself to the traditional English tactic of moaning whilst contemplating the bizarre series of events that had led me to my current predicament.

The two Dutch girls with whom I travelled I had met on the bus from Oaxaca, where I had stayed for a week enjoying Guelagueza, a

large Mexican festival. Petra and Anna were typically nice Dutch backpackers with whom it was easy to have a laugh. It was also in Oaxaca where I had first met Paul, an American semantics lecturer and the owner of the car in which I was going to have the craziest road trip of my life. Whilst out during the festival one night I had bumped into him and talked alcoholic, intellectual bullshit until the early hours. It was also that night I recall that we conducted the blind tequila challenge. Each of eighteen or so people in turn tasted first a shot of the most expensive tequila one can buy, retailing at $280 US per bottle, followed by a shot of local mescal retailing at $1 US per bottle. Unanimously everyone preferred the mescal.

Lastly there was Carlo, the only companion I met in San Cristobel de las Casas. This is where the journey began. Carlo or Carloco, a Frenchman who had taken up Mexican nationality, will be in my memory forever as one of the craziest people I have ever met. Having run away at an early age, he decided to sell flowers on the FrancoGerman border and soon picked up German. He seemed to have a yearning for languages as he swapped a ticket with someone and

managed to end up in Mexico. Whilst travelling around Carlo learnt of the Mayan ‘day keepers’, the minders of the Mayan calendar – those most revered among Mayan society and among the descendent Indians still existent today. He had lived in Mexico for years learning different dialects of Mayan, completely immersing himself in their culture, letting himself be absorbed completely by curiosity and mystery. He finally achieved his goal of being accepted, priding himself on being passed down some ancient Mayan knowledge, through his understanding of the day keeping.

He had then left to travel and I had met him on his return to Mexico. Equipped with only a shamanistic bag containing insects in cocoa powder and a number of ritualistic items, he ‘guided’ people in the direction that he was going for food and money. With eyes of fire he spoke through your face, not at it. A serious man, who at times could be the gentlest man in the world, at others cold and ruthless.

The man had no fear.

Continued...

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16 • Features

gair rhydd 17 02 03

Continued from front One of the most beautiful colonial cities in Latin America, San Cristobel (once the capital of Chiapas State) rests surrounded by serenely beautiful landscapes in Southern Mexico. I had already decided that I was going to head to Guatemala. The border crossing did not bother me so much as long as I avoided some of the more American orientated aspects of Mexico. Whilst heading to the bus station to buy my outward ticket, I again bumped into Paul and over a drink he told me of his wish to fill his car with people and drive south through Central America down as far as Honduras. I was delighted at the prospect of being able to go and as there were not enough bums on seats decided to ask if I could invite the two Dutch girls, which we agreed on. I was unaware Paul was being guided by Carlo, and in the morning we all met up, discussed our plans and departed.

It was from here we had such an adventure. We drove up through Mexico heading for an obscure border crossing, stopping to admire beautiful scenery and Mayan temples along the way. Our first day was pleasant enough, and despite arriving late at Tonina, a beautiful and rarely visited Mayan temple, we were able to bribe the guards to let us in when it was at its most tranquil. It enabled Carlo to carry out his shamanistic rituals, not least the burning of Copal, a crystallised sap used to awaken the spirits. That night we camped in thick jungle by the side of beautiful turquoise waters where we swam and enjoyed each other’s company. On the second night of the trip we again camped in the jungle, this time under the stars in a clearing, lulling ourselves to sleep with the intense pulsating heartbeat of the jungle. That day we had stopped off at one of the largest waterfalls in Mexico for a swim, but the real reason we had come this far was to see Palenque, one of the largest and most impressive of all the Mayan sites. Although Palenque was enjoyable enough, it was here that we were delayed by the theft of Pauls money-belt which contained all that he possessed of any value.

We wasted a day chasing around the town deciding what to do, but it was obvious that he had a fart in a hurricane’s chance of ever seeing it again. The next day, minus Paul’s passport we drove down to chance our luck on the border. We joined a convoy heading in our direction for added safety as the area is home to the Zapatista rebels who, to give them all credit, are probably better to bump into than the Mexican army.

Having broken off from the convoy after several hours, we stayed at a refugee camp near the border at the Lagos de Montebello, a group of 69 coloured lakes.

The refugee camp

provides food, shelter and clothing for the children that flee Guatemala. Whilst numbers of refugees actually crossing the border were higher during the Guatemalan civil war in the 1990s, the numbers of those still making the journey are still very high.

We gave them what we could and in return they

Somehow, someway, Carlo persuaded the border guards to let us continue our journey, despite lacking a passport, on the condition that we obtained some official papers before we left Guatemala provided us with a roof over our heads and basic food. That night was one of the strangest as Carloco went in search of a number of items – all of which were hallucinogens. That night, arguably the strangest I have ever had, was spent in the celestial world. Surrounded by the jungle in the physical world, the shaman and I wandered, searching for the Mayan pyramid several miles away through dense forest. After several hours of being chased by animals we found the road, only to discover the Mexican army doing night manoeuvres, which was quite worrying to say the least. I decided to head back to the safety of my hut, whilst Carlo lay on the jungle floor waiting for morning. The next day I felt worse for wear but after large quantities of black coffee we were in easy reach of the border.

Somehow, someway, Carlo persuaded the border guards to let us continue our journey despite lacking a passport, on the condition that we obtained some official papers before we left Guatemala. We were only too happy to oblige as it meant that we didn’t have to go all the way back to San Cristobel. It was sad to witness first hand children fleeing from their homeland across the border, and thoughts of those that I had met at the refugee camp haunted me for some time. Whilst this day heralded some of the worst driving conditions and some of the sweatiest palms I am ever likely to experience, it went well enough.

Fears were put to rest once Carlo had been persuaded to stop driving in impossible conditions.

We reached Panajachel on the shores of Lake Atitlan the next day and this is where I parted company with my companions. I had decided to stay and improve my Spanish; it was about time to part company anyway. We had shared some of the strangest experiences of my life, I had visited places I never imagined reaching, and I had gained both knowledge and wisdom on a daily basis. Whilst a road trip of that nature is unlikely to ever be possible again in Central America, I hope that some time soon I shall be able to hit the road again; the uncertainty and freedom that it gives you is second to none.

Way + Truth = Life With the current controversy surrounding Cardiff University Christian Union, Dave Harding delves into the 80 year history of the organisation.

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long time ago in a galaxy far, far away – well, actually still Cardiff – Cardiff University Christian Union had its humble origins.

Still up and very active today, it’s one of the university’s oldest and biggest societies.

Historically, it was on 2 February, 1923 that the official constitution was finished, but events had been set in motion the term before. In the summer of 1922, a student called David John Thomas from Brynaman decided that he needed to find other believers to “stand firm in the faith and be witnesses to the Lord Jesus Christ.”

At the end of the Christmas term, he put up notices asking that all those who knew their sins were forgiven and had accepted Jesus as their own personal Saviour to make contact with him. The life of the notices was short – perhaps due to a combination of the weather and other students, but they did their job. There was time for one

meeting that term and they started meeting regularly the next term.

As similar movements were developing in other universities around the country, they were able to gain support and advice from others – indeed, the constitution itself was based on the one used by the London women’s CU. Yet the name of the society was not at the time “CUCU” but Cardiff University Evangelical Union. This was because there was already a society at Cardiff called the Christian Union, also known as the Student Christian Movement (SCM).

So why start another one? Pointless divisionism? Blatant sectarianism? Or something deeper?

The SCM had been in existence since the late nineteenth century but in the 25 years since it started, it had changed its focus and aims. Originally, it had been set up as an evangelical society but had started focusing more on other issues. For example, the SCM

conference subject in 1920 was Welsh nationality including Celtic traditions, the Labour movement, the political life of Wales, and Welsh education.

Whilst subjects like this were of importance, it was not the primary reason the SCM had been created. If Act One stopped producing drama and spent the vast majority of their time planning the interval drinks, it might well be thought that they’d lost their focus – acting!

To be an evangelical organisation, then as now, doesn’t mean to dress with socks and sandals and bang tambourines, but to be focused on the ‘Gospel’ – the “Good News” that the Bible talks about when it refers to the new life available in the work of Jesus on the cross.

Since the SCM movement did not put the work of Jesus on the cross as the central and important thing, the Christians who started the Evangelical Union were taking a stand to show

what they believed to be vital. This was tough, because between 100 and 200 people went to the SCM meetings and there were only 20 members of the EU in September 1923.

Once officially established in March 1925, the EU grew sporadically. The members met for prayer with their own Bible studies, open-air work and preachers coming in to speak. At one meeting in February 1926, 200 people turned up to hear “The Christian Message to the Modern Student”. A year later, the first university mission was held, and these have occurred regularly ever since. The ‘40s saw large debates and a simultaneous city campaign. There were even Welsh conferences at which people from all over Wales were able to meet up.

Despite its increasing age, the CU has maintained its work. It still holds to the same Good News and has all kinds of activities going on: weekly meetings, two prayer meetings a week,

small groups that every CU member can join,including a group in every Hall, annual house parties and beach parties, as well as the not always totally successful CU football team.

Also, a new organisation was set up a few years ago where members of the CU can go and help youth groups taking place in some of the surrounding valleys. There’s even a new mission week happening from the 3 – 7 February called “Way + Truth = Life”. This means, among other things, the CU will be holding different types of meeting every night this week which all are welcome to.

The CU hope that you will come and find out what this “Good News” is really all about, bring questions if they need to be answered, and understand for yourself what these issues are really about, rather than settling for some second-hand information. Further details available from Cardiff_CU@hotmail.com

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Features • 17

Just called to say I love you

Karen Richards looks at the joys and hardships of a long distance relationship.

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ou are at university, he or she is at home. Whatever the situation, many of us at some point have been in a long distance relationship. The thought must have crossed your mind, is this really going to work?

The old saying ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ implies that they can be very rewarding but is the heartache worth it? Most people I know of university age think that there is no way that long distance relationships will work. The constant negative feeling expressed that surrounds this subject caused me to question what factors involve the working of long distance relationships?

The effort factor is pushed to the max.

Train fares, travelling and expensive phone bills may leave you feeling resentful. Others showing you affection may seem more attractive and ‘out of sight out of mind’ suddenly seems more realistic. Going out with single friends, meeting new people seems fun and exciting. Feeling happy with your new move to university can make you feel neglectful to those who you have left behind. On the other hand, a half single life can seem appealing, whilst still being ‘together’. Freedom that hasn’t been felt for a while seems exhilarating.

Sporadic meetings at weekends and holidays can be awkward at first. Perhaps one of the hardest things is readjustment.

It takes strength and confidence. Sharing a life with someone, their needs, wants and desires, and then suddenly having that gap in your life replaced by a phone can seem rather depressing. It is likely that one person will miss one more than the other. Time spent together becomes rare and when this pattern starts to occur over a matter of years it can take a dig at the roots of a once grounded relationship.

A friend has experienced this recently. A relationship that involved non-existent time spent together over three years or so crumbled, even though strong feelings for each other were mutual. One being a student and the other in a full time working position at different ends of the country meant they had little time together, even though considerable effort was made to keep it going. “Not going anywhere” was the phrase used to describe the situation. The longetivity of a situation like this is drawn out because of the rare visits. When you are apart the relationship appears to be static, although they are changing all the time and the reason why some may come to an end is because we are

frequently trying to define them. Is this the right person for me? Questions such as this might be thought about even more when miles apart from each other. Sometimes the distance factor is too overwhelming and more hurtful than keeping the relationship active. Celebrity couples are often reported to be breaking up because of the lack of time they spend together due to separate work interests. The strains of finding time to be together means that something has to give and it

is often the relationship.

My opinion has never been swayed. I have always believed that if you like someone enough it will last, no matter what forces it means fighting. Having now experienced a long distance relationship I realize that other factors are important too. If you stay together it can be great and shows a real strength in the relationship. However, some may find that once a taster of the single life has been felt, it can be hard to get back into the ‘couple’ routine.

Taking into account someone else’s opinions and wants can be hard to accept when you have adapted to doing things in your own way.

Forgetting to call may be perceived as an indicator that you are not missing them.

An argument over the phone is not as easily resolved as if it would be if you had the chance to be face-to-face with someone. From my own and others’ experiences it seems that we become very sensitive to what is said in phone calls because it is the closest contact we have with that person. One friend describes her phone as her “link” to her boyfriend. A cosy and cute environment can be created via mobile phones. Knowing that there is someone special on the other end of the line can create a very comforting thought. Expressing that you miss someone too much or not enough though can spark an argument amongst the simplest of conversations.

Not hearing from them altogether is slightly worrying.

Many people take advantage of being miles away from their ‘other half’. Trust has to be rock solid for this to last or else you could be endlessly worrying: what are they up to? This is not to say that this danger is restricted to distance or just men alone. Temptations will soon tell whether this relationship will last, and whether you want a long distance relationship at this stage in your life.

You might feel that like many people I have asked that, to make a long distance relationship work, you need to have something a ‘bit extra’. Some people feel that an end point is required for example, how often are you going to see this person? Are you going to go your separate ways after university? If so, is the effort worth it?

The majority of people I quizzed on this idea felt that the effort a long distance relationship requires means that it has to be special. Otherwise waiting for the right person seems more appealing than putting yourself through a relationship that you are not quite sure about.

There will be times of joy and hardship in a long distance relationship. It is an individual decision whether it is for you. Feeling confident when you are together and when pursuing separate interests is a sure sign that you are there for each other, and that you are best friends as well as a couple. It is worth noting that this type of relationship is not for people who are apprehensive or domineering. As some of you will know, effort and trust are the two key reasons why you should enjoy the relationship you are in - no matter what the distance.

Hit the

streets Like running? Like charity? If yes, then run the London Marathon. Emily Davies is...

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k, so how do you fancy doing your bit for charity by supporting a fellow member of your university through the 26.2 mile London Marathon on 13th April?

Right then, now I have your attention, I’d like you to picture the scene. It’s Friday evening. You’ve just got in from a long and boring day at Uni, thrown your bags to the floor and settled on the sofa to chill out and catch the latest episode of Neighbours. You and your housemates excitedly begin planning your night out on the town, planning what you’re going to wear and what alcohol you’ll be drinking before hitting the streets of Cardiff tonight (most likely some dodgy £3 bottle of wine from the local corner shop).

Now picture this: it’s –5 degrees outside. The wind is so cold you go numb after being outside for 2 minutes and it’s pitch black. All your mates are planning the above night out, but YOU, being the dedicated (and maybe crazy) young lass you are, are pulling on your tracksuit bottoms and slowly sipping on an energy drink.

As you do your stretches you can hear the rain getting angrier outside. Laughter booms from downstairs as your housemates plan their night ahead. Yet you know you’ll have to miss the beginning of the night and meet them later…for your night starts here…with a 10-mile run around Cardiff.

And to think, you are doing this voluntarily!

Sounds fun, hey?

Well actually No. I guess when put like this it sounds totally crazy. However there is one main point I’m missing out. And that is to say that I am more than willing to put myself through these couple of months of pretty gruesome training in order to complete a life-long ambition and raise money for charity, by running the London Marathon.

Yes that’s right folks, while many of you will probably be packing up and driving home for Easter on 13.April, I shall be running the agonising 26.2 mile race around central London, no doubt dressed up in some dodgy costume. I aim to raise as much sponsorship as I can, which will all be donated to my charity of choice, The Alzheimer’s Society.

Over 700,000 people in the UK suffer from Alzheimer’s – a physical disease affecting the brain.

Tangles develop in the structure of the brain leading to death of brain cells. Sufferers become confused and forgetful, experience dramatic mood swings and can become withdrawn as they lose the confidence to communicate.

As the disease progresses, sufferers will need help with all their daily activities. Currently there is NO CURE for Alzheimer’s disease. The Flora London Marathon is the biggest fundraising event of the year for the Alzheimer’s Society, raising £120,000 through the event in 2002.

I have personally experienced a family member who has been affected by this horrendous disease and therefore the idea of raising money to help this charity work towards making life comfortable and easier for those suffering and their families, and even one day discovering a cure, is all the drive I need to motivate myself to continue training hard.

Anyone out there who is feeling even just a little bit charitable, should log on to www.justgiving.com/roadrunner and make a pledge to sponsor me. Every penny is going to the Alzheimer’s Society and every penny is appreciated. Seriously, even if you can only afford £1 or less, it all helps. Any sponsors will be greatly appreciated.

The more people I know that are sponsoring me, the more determination it gives me to succeed. Come on fellow students…make a pledge today.

To find out more about the Alzheimer’s Society, write to Alzheimer’s Society, Gordon House, 10 Greencoat Place, London, SW1P 1PH or telephone 0845 300 0336.

Similarly, you can log on to www.alzheimers.org.uk or email info@alzheimers.org.uk.

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gair rhydd 17 02 03

Doing it for the kids

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ver the last decade or so, Michael Jackson has been reduced from King of Pop to Court Jester to such an extent that we have been led to think the word “freak” was invented solely for the purpose of describing him. Heartbroken and violently offended, Jackson accepted an invitation to do a documentary with Martin Bashir to redress the balance and show us the real Michael Jackson.

The man famous for doing “The Diana Interview” followed Jackson for eight months, in which time he didn’t so much discover anything new, as unearth all our worst fears about a man who was the joy of our Eighties childhoods.

Some of the few moments of contentment I can remember from my childhood were accompanied by Michael Jackson’s music – for a child who liked to dance, Billie Jean is what dreams are made of. But now the man who inspired me to forget the awfulness and enjoy music is a mysterious and somewhat terrifying billionaire clown.

The most striking thing about Jackson is of course his face. But not in a Johnny Depp kind of way – more in a Hammer Horror kind of way. When he was interviewed at home in Neverland, he wore relatively sensible shirts and only slightly less make-up than the Human League, but when he went outside he transformed into a hopelessly ill-dressed spectre of a man, with a pale face sporting enough make-up to drown Iraq (now there’s a thought…). The umbrella that he carried everywhere to protect him from an “allergic skin condition” is another part of the palaver that going outside seems to be for him.

Stopping to sign autographs and hug weeping fans every five yards is the least of his troubles when you consider how long it must take him to construct his clown-like visage every morning.

Once he was out shopping, however, we were privileged to see him smiling and excitable like a spoilt child as he swanned into shops and quite randomly pointed at things which he was going to buy. This is the same carefree (or careless) attitude he has towards adopting children, which is revealed when he muses “I’d like to adopt two children from every continent…why not…that’s my life’s ambition.” This is

the attitude of a man who has everything he ever wanted and can see no reason why it shouldn’t continue to be that way: he has houses, children, a fairground, the rights to all the Beatles records, and firmly believes he deserves it all.

This conviction is something to be admired, but doesn’t seem to have come to Jackson without a hefty price tag, for he comes across as being very lonely.

With the exception of his three children and Uri Geller, he doesn’t appear to have any real friends – he just potters around Neverland amusing himself all day long.

Michael Jackson’s life seems nothing more than a fairytale existence of castles, fairground rides and jelly and ice-cream. Often, when talking about what he does at home he will say “we”, which implies that he is referring to a large and loving family, when in fact you know he is talking about his staff at Neverland.

That his employees constitute his family is very sad indeed, but still sadder is the story of how his father abused him as a child. When this story is recounted, Jackson quivers like a child – still afraid, still distraught – but he also seems to feel that making us feel sorry for him will be his redemption. And that is what the entire documentary is geared towards: simultaneously highlighting his flaws and suggesting reasons for them, with the result that we sympathise with his sorrow.

One the one hand this works because we are presented with an undoubtedly talented man who genuinely cares for people, who really wants to love and give to the world and yet is constantly thwarted by negative press attention. But on the other hand, Jackson demonstrates that his troubles are so often of his own making. For example, when he took his children to the zoo he refused to heed warnings that they could be hurt in the crowds of journalists, thus endangering their safety; the curious cosmetic surgery; and the dangling of the baby from the Berlin hotel window. And he does all of this in the public eye, because – although unlikely to admit it – he loves, even craves, the attention and adoration of the world, which is abundantly obvious from his behaviour throughout the programme.

When Michael Jackson is not

appearing in public, however, he is a different man. As he talks to Martin Bashir whilst they wander through his thirty acre estate. He is delicate, effeminate and fragile, but curiously sweet and diffident – so much like a child in his speech and gestures that you can’t take him seriously as a middleaged man. You can nonetheless be quietly amused by him. He is quiet and reserved and takes joy in simple pleasures but at the end of it all, this is only evident of a man who does not live in the real world.

The fantasy world of Michael Jackson is one where twelve year-old children are allowed stay over at his house and sleep in his bed, which is the most unnerving aspect of the programme. Frighteningly, Jackson is quite ready to talk about his friendships with children, maintaining they are purely honourable. And I think they probably are entirely honest genuine friendships with no nasty business. But that aside, it is still a very strange fortyfour year-old whose friends are not older than thirteen – strange but, perhaps, not necessarily wrong.

Very occasionally, we feel for Jackson as he begins to crumble under the barrage of personal and intrusive questions that Bashir bombards him with. He appears nervous and reluctant to answer but does so anyway, which is the price to pay for living an eccentric, unconventional lifestyle in the face of the world’s media public since you were eight years old. And still we cannot quite bring ourselves to feel sorry for him: perhaps he’s just too damn rich to feel pity for, or maybe we’re not all convinced that he really is telling the whole story.

What have we learnt about Michael Jackson from this ground-breaking documentary? We have learnt that apart from a few good songs in the Eighties, whilst he doesn’t deserve to be hated, there is nothing much to like about him either. Jackson is a man quite devoid of redeeming qualities, except perhaps his complete blind denial of the existence of the universe. Most crucially, I think, we have learnt that he is living in his multimillion dollar dream world just hoping that one day he’ll wake up and find that the world has been healed and life really is as easy as A, B, C…

fried gold - the brits are coming...

T

he only exciting musical awards this country has really managed to create are once more fast approaching – The Brits are to be held at Earls’ Court this Wednesday. Whilst I have come to accept in recent years that the Brit Awards are never going to be as great as they were the year Blur won everything and Michael Jackson pretended to be God, I never expected the frankly horrendous series of nominations we have been given.

PopScene has spent a very reasonable amount of time squawking around the office about exactly how – sorry, HOW – Atomic Kitten’s mauling of Blondie’s (that’s right, someone else did it first, people) The Tide Is High got to be nominated for Best Single, never mind the fact that, for competition, there are two singles by Gareth bleeding Gates! The only contender with any real claim to the golden stick is Page Editor’s favourite, Liberty X, and their groundbreaking stomp Just a Little.

To cap that, the fools have gone and put all the good things in the

same categories – Eminem and Pink rival each other for Best International Album, which is one of the toughest of calls, and Avril Lavigne and Pink jostle for Best International Female. Terrible. But fear not, dear pop lovers, all is not lost.

Nothing in this world would give me more pleasure than to see Blue win Best British Band over Coldplay, not to mention the joy that could be derived from Robbie (hopefully as entertainingly plastered as he was last year) beating Craig David to Best British Male. Ms Dynamite has been nominated for a fair few things, which is nice, because she can talk in sentences (always important in a popstar, I find), wants to be an MP (I’d vote for her), and, crucially, makes excellent and very novel music.

There is, however, a most obvious reason for PopScene’s rather obviously excitable interest in this event – performing at the annual affair are both Avril Lavigne and Justin-extremely-heartstoppingly-sexy-Timberlake! How much fun can you have in one evening? Unfortunately, whining Coldplay are

to perform as well, but never mind, we can always go and charge our cups of tea/glasses of Babycham during that one.

Davina McCall is hosting the awards this year which should be rather nice because she is just so lovely, but I do hope she has someone to help her out – these things always work best when presented in a bouncy manner.

Alas, we don’t get to vote on too many of these awards, so the only fun in a lot of them is trying to predict who is the most industry-credible person going. However, you could have chosen your preferred winner of the coveted Best British Breakthrough Artist via Radio 1. Chris Moyles, bless him, has been trying his hardest to subliminally motivate us all to vote for Will Young, which hopefully everyone has been doing anyway, whilst less educated people may mistakenly have pressed the button shifting their allegiances to the far-too-modern-for-this-category The Streets.

However, the overall point of The Brits, which they do make rather well, is that whatever your tastes, wherever your allegiances lie, everyone honestly is catered for here. No complaining please.

Travesties have occurred, but we’re all big enough and strong enough to get on with it and just enjoy seeing that many beautiful people in one room. Especially if Justin takes his shirt off on stage…

gair rhydd 17 02 03

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Features • 19

Who you gonna call? Nightline?

Nightline is an invaluable service for those feeling disorientated, homesick or depressed. But as Sarah Rhodes explains, the student volunteer service offers far more than this.

W

hen asked to describe what university life is like, answers are guaranteed to contain the typical ‘beer’, ‘birds’, ‘pubs’ and ‘clubs’ comments.

University life is potentially all these things and promises to provide some of the most fun years of your life. People make lifelong friends, take up new hobbies, try new experiences, develop their characters as well as gaining new skills and generally having great fun doing so.

However, for some students the reality of university life may not fulfil all the stereotypes. In particular, many students leaving home for the first time find themselves disorientated and homesick, struggling to fit in with people they don’t necessarily feel comfortable with.

To them, their life at university seems very lonely and isolated. Even those students who do feel comfortable at university may at some time feel down, or feel that they need to speak to someone impartial.

It is for just such situations that the university’s Nightline exists. For those of you unaware of the service, it is a telephone listening, referral and information line, and drop in service. It is staffed and run entirely by students for you.

Nightline is non-judgmental, nonconfrontational, and above all, anonymous. It doesn’t matter when or why you phone up, the volunteers are there to listen to you whatever you wish to speak about.

If it is important to you, it will be important to them too.

But it is not just there for that. The volunteers also have access to a wide range of information including exam

timetables, general university information, cinema listings, helpline numbers, support groups, medical treatment centres and other general Cardiff information.

If you feel desperate cravings for a kebab at 3am we can direct you to the nearest place from our extensive collection of takeaway menus. We also offer free condoms. As well as using the service we are always looking for more volunteers to help. It is a very valuable and rewarding experience and a great way to meet new people.

You can give a much or as little time as you wish – all we ask of you is to undertake an initial training period, and then do a few duties a term as a minimum.

Our next training session is taking place:

They take calls every night in termtime, or you can drop into the nightline house at :

148 C o l u m Rd.

Tuesday 18 February 8-10pm Attendance at all training sessions is compulsory in order to complete the required initial training. If you cannot attend the first training session please email us and let us know on:

line@cf.ac.uk To talk, simply call on:

02920 223993 The opening hours are:

8pm – 8am

University dares

Bored in your lectures and seminars? Do not fear. These dares are guaranteed to raise a laugh and a few eyebrows around campus.

When someone passes you a handout, finger it and whisper huskily “Mmmm that feels so good.”

Leave your flies open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry. I really prefer it this way.”

At the end of a seminar suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the national anthem.

Then launch into it.

Refer to all your tutors and fellow students ‘Bob’.

In a lecture or seminar, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”

In the refectory or coffee shop get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I shall never go hungry again.”

During the course of a seminar, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

Don’t use any punctuation. When asked why, tell them “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically when they answer.

Tell your tutor or lecturer, “I like your style” and shoot them with double-barelled fingers after every important point they make.

When in the library, open a book and clutch your head with both hands.

Shout out, “No no no! I’ve disapproved

that theory six times now.” Shake your head and appear visibly upset.

At the end of your lecture, announce in a very loud voice that you “ really have to go and do a number two.”

After every sentence say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “Keats poetry is just so profound, Mon.” Insist that everyone, including your lecturer, refers to you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard, or Thunder Thighs.

20 •

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“

Mark, can I ask you a few questions?....Oh, that’s embarrassing!

Sport

Continued from Back

COMMENT. Below

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email

Who will win the Six Nations?

Football and Netball results

p. 25

p. 27

SIX NATIONS. Page 25

IMG. Page 26

Riath Al-Samarrai, 2003.

Issue 735 17th February 2003 Sport Editors: David Williams, Riath Al-Samarai, Daniel Evans Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net

BUSA. Page 27

Aussie demolition Nick Byrne reports FOR A TEAM that had just been thrashed 4-1 by Australia, the British Davis Cup team held their heads surprisingly high as they left the Sydney International Tennis Centre.

Alex Bogdanovic was the centre of the British media’s attention after disposing of highly rated Todd Woodbridge in the final rubber of the tie, and now brimming with confidence after the recognition he has received.

British Coach Roger Taylor sees promising signs in the youngster, “Alex has been hitting the ball sweeter than anyone in the tie”. However Lleyton Hewitt would see things a little differently, having beaten Bogdanovic comfortably in three straight sets.

For all the critics who point at poor facilities or coaching for Britain’s lack of emerging

talent it could be time to point the finger at the players, specifically Bogdanovic.

Bogdanovic has boldly stated his aim to become world no 1, yet his general fitness was disappointing to say the least. According to Hewitt’s fitness coach Roger Ransheed, “we saw some disturbing signs for an 18-year-old kid who looks like he hasn’t done a lot of work…you’ve got to ask yourself, is he prepared to push himself and become a superathlete.” On the evidence of this tie the answer is a resounding no.

As for the rest of the British team, Alan Mackin, Miles Maclagan and Arvind Parmar all are good steady players but ultimately lack any of the big weapons required to trouble the top 100.

According to Henman this tie was a, “premonition for when Greg and I aren’t around five years down the line.” Let us hope it is not the case.

Rusedski and Henman proved to be a great loss

gr top 5 Faux-pas in Sport Disagree with Riath’s choices?

Email grsport@hotmail.com Roy Keane on what he thinks of Mick McCarthy. “You are a fucking wanker Mick. I didn’t rate you as a player, I don’t rate you as a manger, and I don’t rate you as a person.”

1

Ron Nodes former Crystal Palace Chairman disturbed the football world with his comment, “You need black players in the team because they add skill and flair, but you need the white players because they give a bit of common sense to the side.”

2

A matter of life or death David Williams Sports Editor

AS THE LAST few weeks have shown, there is rarely a quiet moment in English cricket, either on the field or off it.

After weeks of discussions between the game’s governing bodies and the England cricket team, the decision was made by the ECB to stop the match between England and Zimbabwe going ahead.

The 4-1 defeat to Australia in the Ashes seems to be a distant memory due to the continued debates and talks surrounding the political and ethical situation in the host country.

But, despite knowing

about the political and ethical issues in Zimbabwe for over a year, within which time the groups for the World Cup had been decided, the ECB and the ICC had left the all important decision until the eleventh hour.

The talks and discussions have been something akin to the tour of South Africa in the late eighties where several England players were punished for deciding to play in the country whose apartheid regime was still in place.

The comparison with Zimbabwe revolves around the treatment of the people

by President Robert Mugabe whose renowned awful human rights record was the main worry of the England players, themselves subject to death threats.

On the cricket playing side

of the issue, it now looks as if the match could be switched to another venue, possibly Johannesburg. If not the points will go to Zimbabwe whose other opponents in the group, including Australia and India, have agreed to play.

If the final decision is permanent then it could have several repercussions, both short and long term. England will lose the points and will struggle, along with their current form, to qualify for the Super Six stage of the competition.

They will lose several millions of pounds in costs as well as an impending fine from the ICC for not playing and it could set a precedent for future situations where the moral and ethical position of a country will come before any sporting contest.

Brian Clough on signing German players. “I never have and never will sign a German for my football club. One of them boys stabbed my dad in the war.”

3

Teddy Sheringham “The future of English football is big black French men.” Of course he plays for Spurs, so it was just a misinterpretation.

4

Mick McCarthy on Roy Keane’s attitude during USA ‘94. “Is that what you would call a player’s attitude Roy?” Roy replies “Is that what you would call a first touch Mick?” They never did get on very well.

5

Masters history goes up in smoke Daniel Evans Sports Columnist

THE WORLD SNOOKER calendar changed forever last week when one of the sport’s most famous and prestigious events became extinct.

Since 1975 the Benson & Hedges Masters has been a true showpiece, pitting the world’s top 16 players against each other in the cauldron of the Wembley arena.

But next year a ‘Masters’ event of any sort threatens to be missing from the tour after tobacco company Benson & Hedges were forced to withdraw their sponsorship by government legislation which bans tobacco advertising.

Atoning for his defeat in the Regal Welsh Open, Mark Williams won the final trophy of its kind by beating six-time Masters champion Stephen Hendry 10-4.

The 27 year-old left-hander has been in superb form all season and bookmakers now make him favourite to regain the World Championships in

May. “I’m very close to where I was when I won the World Championship, maybe even just as good,” said the Welshman.

Williams’ victory was tinged with disappointment amongst the players at the departure of Benson & Hedges, who have injected so much money into

the game.

“We won’t see their like again,” said Hendry.

The ban on tobacco sponsorship is a result of an EU directive which aims to cut the links between tobacco advertising and increasing rates of smoking, particularly amongst children.

Such advertising has been steadily constrained over recent years and now the government health minister has proclaimed that it must be phased out of sport by the end of this year, which will have huge consequences.

As it stands, sports classified as having a global appeal such as Formula One and the Embassy World Snooker Championships will remain exempt from the ban until 2006, which allows time to line up new sponsorship.

With its glamourous global image, Formula One is lucrative to a wide range of marketers and will surely survive the ban.

The future of snooker is less certain however. As a sport with a history and image synonymous with the likes of Embassy and Benson & Hedges, it will be deprived of its primary source of income.

A two-tier system of wealth could occur, with lesser tournaments in terms of media coverage struggling to find new sponsors or being forced to settle for inferior contracts.

Tournaments such as the World Championships and Masters attract large terrestrial and international audiences so should easily find new backers. The question though is whether prize money, or the prestige of a competition

Williams is final Master under a different guise would remain.

The bill for this final Masters was a £750,000 prize fund plus £500,000 in promotion for the sponsors, an outlay that only the largest companies could afford.

True snooker fans will be more worried about the destruction of tradition than the uncertain economic future, and perhaps a little annoyed that it is now illegal to advertise this legal activity.

Six Nations Special

February 17 2003

Page 25

grsport@hotmail.com

Hansen’s tough race for joy of six

Tristan Thomas and Gwenno Dafydd investigate whether Wales can upset the odds this season WALES gair rhydd prediction 4th Coach Steve Hansen Recent History Overcame the challenge of Romania, Fiji and Canada in the autumn internationals, and were, arguably, unlucky to lose to New Zealand. Only beat Italy in last year’s championships, and finished a very disappointing fifth.

Betting 66/1 to take the tournament, 150/1 for an unlikely grand slam victory

Top Welsh players in last years 6 Nations Beating Players

Howley 206

Harris 11

Tackles

Morgan 309

Williams 60

Current Zurich rankings

SIX NATIONS SQUAD NEWS

Jones 64

Total Champ.wins 1217

1112 1045 857 835 772 755 680

SCOTLAND 14 WALES 22 ENGLAND 24

1146

15

1206

10 5 ITALY 0 IRE 10 FRANCE 13

1 England 2 N. Zealand 3 Australia 4 France 5 South Africa 6 Ireland 7 Scotland 8 Wales 9 Argentina 10 Samoa

Points Scored

25

Metres Gained

Passes

20

Ball Carries Quinnel 62

V

ITALY February 15

gair rhydd prediction 6th Coach J Kirwan Recent History The autumn internationals offered a mixed bag for Italy who beat Romania and Spain but lost to Australia and Argentina.

Betting 2500/1 for tournament

V

V

ENGLAND February 22

gair rhydd prediction 1st Coach C Woodward Recent History England famously beat all three of the their southern hemisphere opponents during the autumn period, climbing to top ranked side in the World. The last

March 29

Points Scored

Tackles

Merceron 64

Merceron 52

Points Scored

Tackles

Wilkinson 75

Back 55

V

FRANCE

gair rhydd prediction 2nd Coach B Laporte Recent History France come into this year’s tournament showing distinctly patchy form. Although they beat South Africa in the autumn they lost to Australia and Argentina in the summer. They will come into this tournament with high expectations, though with England at full strength they will need to become more consistent to take the crown.

Betting 12/5 to take the title whilst 4/1 for the grand slam.

few years have seen England sides of great quality fall at the wayside.

Betting 1/3 for tournament and 8/15 for a long awaited grand slam victory.

SCOTLAND March 8

gair rhydd prediction 5th Coach I McGeechan Recent History Finished fourth above Wales last season, and overcame the challenge of South Africa, Fiji and Romania recently Betting 80/1 to win title

V

IRELAND March 22

gair rhydd prediction 3rd Coach E O’Sullivan Recent History The Irish clubs have been prominent in the European and Celtic competitions in recent years, with Munster this year’s Celtic League Winners. They finished third in last year’s competition, and

notched up impressive victories over Australia and Argentina in the autumn.

Betting 11/1 for tournament and 16/1 for a remarkable grand slam.

Points Scored

Tackles

Humphreys 56

Wallace 58

IRELAND

FRANCE

ENGLAND WALES

ITALY

SCOTLAND

Key Players Brian O’Driscoll, Ronan O’Gara Strengths/Weaknesses Their Lansdowne Road home is traditionally a very difficult place for their opponents, and goalkicker O’Gara has developed into a very dependable and consistent player. Whilst favourites to overcome the Welsh, Scottish and Italians, they could come unstuck against the seemingly more advanced England and France.

Comedy Anecdotes In a six nations match a few years ago a scrum collapsed on the half wayline over the sponsor’s pitch logo. On rising from the floor, Keith Wood wasn’t looking his usual self. His head had turned blue from the fresh paint on the grass and the match had to be stopped for the mess to be cleared up.

Key players Jonny Wilkinson and Martin Johnson Strengths/Weaknesses England has arguably the best pack in the world, they will provide a stern defence and guarantee good possession for a formidable back line. Clive Woodward is spoilt for choice in several areas having built up the strongest squad in the tournament. The only perceivable weakness is whether England can perform under pressure.

They’ve failed to deliver the Grand Slam in the last four seasons despite being favourites. It is time to prove their number one world ranking.

Comedy Anecdotes The French team are currently under seige with complaints about drug use etc. However, due to legal restraints it’s tough to comment.

Key Players Mauro Bergamasco and Alessandro Troncon.

Strengths/Weaknesses.

On the attacking front, Bergamasco should be interesting to watch. A flanker so fast that he has been moved to the wing, was very impressive in last year’s championship. By attempting to kill the game, Italy can disrupt the rhythm of the opposition. The Italian side has many flaws: several experienced players are missing.

Comedy Anecdotes A former England forward was once out in the centre of Cardiff celebrating a win for his club side in the Heinekin cup. gair rhydd sport has it on good faith that a girl at our University went up to said esteemed gentleman and came out with an immortal line.

“Can you hold my pint whilst I take a shit” Remarkably, he did.

Key Players Fabien Galthie and Olivier Magne Strengths/Weaknesses The French back-line are blessed with pace and power to go with their typical flair so open games will suit them. The ball carrying, mobile back row is a match for any in the tournament. Bernard LaPorte has improved the indiscipline of French sides past as was shown when his team stifled England in Paris last year. However, the French are not great travellers and their cavalier attitude can be exploited at times.

Comedy Anecdotes The Italian side performed so badly last year that on returning home they were force to stand on each other’s shoulders and pretend to be the leaning tower of pizza so that they wouldn’t be recognised by fans.

Key Players Bryan Redpath, Brendan Laney Strengths/Weaknesses The sudden retirement of captain Budge Pountney will be a blow to the side’s preparations, but the Scots are on a high after beating South Africa in the autumn. Bryan Redpath made 309 passes during last years six nations, more than any other player and a remarkable feat given the paucity of talent surrounding him.

Comedy Anecdotes Every year, BBC Wales runs a series of comic adverts to advertise their coverage of Wales’ Six Nations matches. A few years ago, the adverts were in the form of monologues, featuring Welsh actor Boyd Clack. The most memorable line of the campaign appeared in the advert for the game against Scotland, with the actor sitting in the bath, thinking about the Scottish team, and one player in particular, pondering "Doddie Weir?

That’s not a name, that’s an affliction!"

Key Players Colin Charvis, Iestyn Harries Strengths/Weaknesses The controversy surrounding the Welsh game has overshadowed the team’s preparations, whilst the loss of reliable goal-kicker Stephen Jones through injury will be disappointing. The Welsh side has been known for its strong scrum in recent years, and the atmosphere in the Millennium Stadium will be as electric as ever.

Comedy Anecdotes Many years ago, when Clive Rowlands was the Welsh captain, Wales were playing Scotland. There had been a bust-up between the two sides’ forwards, and the ref called over both captains, ordering them to sort their teams out and to stop fighting. Meanwhile, the rest of the Welsh team were standing together in a circle, and when their captain returned they asked, "What did he say Clive?" to which he replied, "He said ‘Carry on as you are boys, you’re playing great’!"

Inter Mural Games

Page 26

February 17 2003

grsport@hotmail.com

Pharamacy still lead Prem

time over Law B by 6 points.

The game was effectively over by half time but a spirited fight back from the law girls kept the game interesting. Chemy pulled off a surprise win over Carbs B to still be in contention for the league while Phist returned to form by beating Comsoc for the second time this season.

A very bizarre day in the bottom division saw only one game played. Cplan, fresh from their first ever win last time out, carried on their good form to edge past LPC by a point. 2002 was a bad year for the planners but it appears 2003 may be a lot better for them. In the other two games Sawsa were unable to raise a team so forfeited against Gym Gym while Medics didn’t show for a second week giving Socsi the points.

Billy Lee for GR Sport IT WOULD appear that the balance of power in IMG Netball is changing.

Cardiff Uni A have dominated IMG for some time but today it seems those days could be behind them.

Pharmacy continued their relentless winning streak by breezing past the defending champions to maintain their unbeaten season.

After beating the two preChristmas favourites in recent weeks surely only Carbs A now stand between them and the title. Carbs A heaped further misery on Economics with a ten point win.

Things looked so rosy for Economics in 2002 but injuries to key players mean that realistically their only hope of silverware this season is through the cup.

Carbs, on the other hand, will really fancy their chances of the title this year knowing that victory over Pharmacy in their next match will put them in pole position and in with a great chance of improving on last year’s second place.

Law A turned in their best performance of the season with a great victory over Psychology. The lawyers didn’t fancy their chances especially after being well beaten before Christmas in the same fixture but a fine team performance gave them an unlikely win and ended any hope Psychology had of lifting the title this year.

Division 1 is looking good for Cardiff Uni B who won their second game in a row,

I MG this Results Carbs A Law A

Netball WEEK 2

Carbs A are in contention

NETBALL 12 February 2003 15-5 17-9

Economics Psychology

Pharmacy

14-7

Cardiff Uni A

Cardiff Uni B

13-7

Law B

Chemy / Biosci

8-4

Carbs B

Comsoc

9-16

Phist

LPC Sawsa Socsi

9-10 0-15 15-0

Cplan

Football WEEK 2

Defending champs Jomec crushed by mighty Momed I MG

FOOTBALL

Results

Jomec’s fall from grace has left the title race wide open Billy Lee for GR Sport IS JOMEC’S reign as champions over?

Certainly, their backs are against the wall after a mauling by Momed. The first half saw a goalless stalemate as neither team really hit form. During the second half, the Journalists appeared to have struck the decisive blow by taking the lead but this only inspired Momed who turned in a superb performance, knocking four past Barbarian keeper Matt Greenhill. The defeat puts Jomec three points behind their conquerors as they have already dropped five points this season. Hardly championship winning form.

Torpedo Engin added to Real’s woes with a seven goal hammering. Real must be wishing 2003 had never arrived as they have the worst record in the entire IMG since the Christmas break.

Top of the table Accountancy ended any realistic hopes Carbs A had of recovering from a poor start by handing them their third consecutive defeat. Law A joined the other victors of the day on seven points for the season with an easy win over Ecosoc. Only goal difference separates the top four teams.

Carbs B are beginning to hit the form that almost saw them into the Premiership by knocking three past Planathinaikos in a comfortable win. RPR came back from the previous

weeks robbing by stuffing a talented Woka Juniors team.

Barbarians Tom James and Steve Tyler were superb in the four goal victory. History and Uni Hallstars shared the points in an eight-goal thriller. Both teams are scoring plenty at the moment but are both leaking goals that could cost them come the end of the season.

Economics finally got their season going with a comfortable win over Engin.

Time will tell if they can now show the form that made them favourites before the season started.

Division 2 seems to be a battle between Chemsoc and Mathletico for the top spot.

Both maintained their 100% records with victories over Myg Myg and Planderlecht respectively. Gym Gym recovered from last week’s defeat to thrash Law B while Psycho and Cathays shared the points in their battle at the wrong end of the table.

Bute Park’s fine start to 2003 was cut short when dreadful refereeing gifted Earth Soc an unlikely win.

Accountington Stanley finally started winning again, comfortably despatching the hapless Sawsa who are currently rock bottom in 32nd place overall. CU FC appeared to be on course for their first win of the season while leading 4-2 but let it slip to give Wyvern Wanderers their first ever win. Irish sit at the top after grabbing their third straight win, this time over Pharmacy.

Gym Gym Medics

12 February 2003

Accountancy

2-1

Carbs A

Ecosoc

1-4

Law A

Jomec

1-4

Momed

T. Engin

7-0

FC Real

Aux. Engin

1-4

Economics

History

4-4

Uni Hallstars

Planathinaikos

0-3

Carbs B

Woka Juniors

0-4

RPR

Chemsoc

6-1

Myg Myg

Law B

3-11

Gym Gym

M. Madrid

3-2

Planderlecht

Psycho Ath.

1-1

Cathays FC

CU FC

4-5

Wanderers

Earth Soc

3-2

Bute Park Utd

Irish

3-1

Pharmacy

Sawsa

1-4

Stanleyc

IMG Pos

Premiership P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Accountancy

3

2

1

0

11

3

8

7

2 Torpedo Engin

3

2

1

0

9

1

8

7

3 Momed

3

2

1

0

11

5

6

7

4 Law A

3

2

1

0

10

4

6

7

5 Jomec

3

1

1

1

7

7

0

4

6 Ecosoc

3

0

1

2

3

7

-4

1

7 Carbs A

3

0

0

3

4

-7

0

8 FC Real

3

0

0

3

2

11 19

-17

0

I MG Pos

Division 1 P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Carbs B

3

2

1

0

8

1

7

7

2 RPR

3

2

0

1

12

5

7

6

3 History

3

1

2

0

11

10

1

5

4 Uni Hallstars

1

2

0

9

8

1

5

5 Economics

3 3

1

1

1

8

5

3

4

6 Planathinaikos

3

0

2

1

5

8

-3

2

7 Woka Juniors

3

0

2

1

4

8

-4

2

8 Aux. Engin

3

0

0

3

1

12

-11

0

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Chemsoc

3

3

0

0

18

2

16

9

2 M. Madrid

3

3

0

0

13

3

10

9

3 Gym Gym

3

2

0

1

14

6

8

6

4 Planderlecht

3

1

1

1

11

5

6

4

5 Law B

3

1

0

2

7

21

-14

3

6 Psycho

3

0

2

1

4

6

-2

2

7 Cathays FC

3

0

1

2

1

12

-11

1

8 Myg Myg

3

0

0

3

4

17

-13

0

I MG Pos

Division 2

I MG Pos

Pharmacy’s 100% record puts them favourites to win the title

High scoring games are keeping the goalkeepers busy

Division 3 P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Irish

3

3

0

0

12

5

7

9

2 Earth Soc

3

2

1

0

13

6

7

7

3 Bute Park Utd

3

2

0

1

8

5

3

6

4 Pharmacy

3

1

1

1

6

5

1

4

5 A. Stanley

3

1

1

1

11

11

0

4

6 W. Wanderers

3

1

0

2

6

13

-7

3

7 CU FC

3

0

1

2

6

9

-3

1

8 Sawsa FC

3

0

0

3

1

9

-8

0

University Sport

February 17 2003

Page 27

grsport@hotmail.com

Cardiff DanceSport triumph Medics lose fight for life Lucilla Scott Reports

IN TRUE Strictly Ballroom style, Cardiff DanceSport Team waltzed into first place at the Southern Friendly competition held at Bath University earlier this month.

Cardiff won with maximum points as all A-team couples came first in their category, beating five other university teams. The victory breaks the domination of Bristol University who have won the event every year since 1995.

Cardiff took A, B, and C teams to the Southern Friendly, all immaculately turned out with the full regalia of fake tan, fake nails and their brand new diamondstudded costumes.

The effort paid off, and at

Cardiff dancers take the title in Bath

an event boasting over 100 competitors both B and C teams came second in their categories to add to the earlier success of the A Team.

The triumph is their second this year after an outstanding win in the invitation-only Welsh Spectacular in the autumn.

Cardiff have high hopes for the next few competitions, and an influx of experienced dancers has ensured a very strong team this year.

“The team have worked very hard for this competition and so I’m pleased with the result,” says Team Captain Lucilla Scott. “We’re hoping we will be able to match this at the next few competitions and bring home a few more trophies for the AU!” Cardiff won’t be slowing down the

tempo, as the next few competitions are much bigger, hosting up to 20 university teams, and they are expecting some stiff competition.

Their next competition is in Sheffield later this month, followed by two national university competitions in which Cardiff are hoping to improve on last year’s overall fifth place.

Distance runners Arts feel the strain David Ford Reports ILLNESS AND INJURY depleted the Cardiff University Harriers team that travelled to Oxford last weekend for the highly anticipated BUSA crosscountry championships.

The men’s team were affected most with only Phil Tugwell (position 140) and David Ford (202) completing the 10,000m course.

The women fared much better over their 6k distance, with an excellent performance from Gemma Jones, who finished 50 in her first BUSA event.

Impressive running from Vicky Plummer (141), Zoe

Hanson (160) and Gemma Small (172) helped the women to 21st position in the team event.

For the people who raced in Oxford it was a worthwhile experience however it is hoped that with a larger squad coming back to full fitness, a stronger challenge can be made at the f o r t h c o m i n g We l s h Universities championships at Llanelli in a month’s time where the cream of student runners will be hoping to show their talent.

Lets hope that the runners from Cardiff University can match the feats of their fellow counterparts in their pursuit of glory.

BUSA scores BUSA

ROUND-UP

Results

Wed 12 February 74-75

Brunel

Men’s Fencing 1sts

123-126

Bristol

Men’s Football 1sts

0-0

Medics

Men’s Football 2nds

2-1

Glamorgan

Men’s Football 3rds

14-1

Medics

Women’s Football 1sts

7-0

Medics

Golf 1sts

2-4

Bath

Men’s Hockey 1sts

3-3

Gloucester

Men’s Hockey 2nds

6-2

Southampton

Men’s Hockey 3rds

2-3

UWE

Women’s Hockey 1sts

2-1

Marjons

Women’s Hockey 2nds

1-0

Bristol

Men’s Basketball 1sts

Lacrosse 1sts

12-13

Bristol

Netball 2nds

42-30

Marjons

Netball 3rds

41-14

Swansea

Men’s Rugby Union 1sts

37-0

Southampton Bristol

Men’s Rugby Union 2nds

5-17

Men’s Squash 1sts

5-0

Swansea

Men’s Squash 2nds

5-0

Medics

Women’s Tennis 1sts

4-2

Gloucester

students grab Martial glory Magdalen Smy Reports CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Taekwon-do club travelled with a depleted squad to the British Championships held at Swindon’s Oasis Leisure Centre, but returned triumphant with a full spectrum of medals.

The tournament was presided over by the founder of British Taekwon-do, Grand Master Rhee Ki Ha ninth Dan, but undaunted by this, the club members set out to win 7 medals between just five of them.

Robert Saunders and Matt Pitman, both red belts, won silver medals for sparring and patterns respectively, with an additional bronze in patterns for Rob. Club instructor Dean Matthews, fourth Dan, won bronze medals in both the individual patterns and the four nations team event.

The highlight of the day

was when club president Kevin McCabe, third Dan, triumphed in his performance of individual patterns, winning the gold and a further bronze in the four nations.

Having made such a striking achievement, the

club intends to maintain the standard in the forthcoming events for 2003.

PICTURE: From left to right, Dean Matthews (Chief Instructor), Kevin McCabe (president),Stuart Wordingham & Robert Saunders.

UCCE boost for Cardiff Jimmy Tomlinson Reports This year’s line up for the University Cricket Centre of Excellence sees a record number of Cardiff University players.

Players are recruited from UWIC, Glamorgan and Cardiff. Cardiff University, the only Institution out of the three that does not offer a sports course, holds an amazing eight out of the eighteen players selected.

The UCCE, finished 3rd in the league table last season, and with the quality of players in this year’s line up, coach Kevin Lyons is confident of an

improvement.

Last year’s player of the year, James Tomlinson, from Hampshire County Cricket Club is this year’s Vice Captain.

James has had a fantastic summer, featuring in the full Hampshire squad. Players returning to the squad are Steve Edmonds and Tanuj Sud, who played in last year’s team.

New recruits, Essex Batsmen Mark Pertinni, former Pakistan A bowler, Shiraz Hyder, Keith Bell, Sid Nair, and Paul Astya Sachdeu.

This is the strongest side Cardiff UCCE has ever seen

and players have recently started winter training in preparation for the season.

They play their first match against Gloucester County Cricket Club on April 11th.

John Tuscany Reporting AFC III 14 - 1 MEDICS II AFC III clinched their divisional title in style after thumping a hapless Medics side 14 - 1.

Coming into the game Cardiff needed a big score to give them the title over their Swansea rivals.

An early Cardiff strike settled some of the pre match nerves, only for Medics to equalise soon after. This setback sparked the beginning of an 80th minute onslaught on the Medics goal, and by half-time Cardiff were a massive 8-1 in front. Tom Davies helped himself to a magnificent first half hat-trick, before limping off at half time due to injury.

There was no respite after the break either, and Cardiff, playing some exhibition football, scored at will. Braces were completed by Bennetto, Gurnieri, Simic, and the outstanding Tom Morgan, including a fantastic thirty-five pile-driver. Andy Roper, Gary Hall and Phil Wood completed the rout.

Upon winning the title a jubilant Cardiff Captain Henry Jewell commented “all the players deserve this. They have been superb all season. Quality, just quality.”

Elsewhere, AFC I’s season petered out with a whimper as they were held to a 0-0 draw by Medics I. Dave McCann was guilty of missing Cardiff’s best chance in a dull game. They will look to resurrect their season by taking on a strong Swansea side in the Varsity match.

In a season that promised so much AFC II’s had to settle for third place, rounding off their campaign with a 2-1 win against Glamorgan.

After missing earlier chances, leading marksman Mike Rabjohns put Cardiff ahead following sustained pressure.

Glamorgan soon equalised before the battling Ross Mahoney restored order and gifted Cardiff the points.

AFC IV culminated with a fine 1-0 victory over Swansea Institute. Gaz Nettleton’s men where the better side throughout and were rewarded on the hour when Dougal Hawes smashed home from 25 yards.

Shane Warne, a great player to aspire to

“I don’t rate you as a manager and I don’t rate you as a person. You can stick your world cup up your arse Mick.” p. 24

Cricket Debate

6 Nations rugby

Catch up with the latest on the Zimbabwe World Cup dispute. p. 24

gr guide to the northern hemisphere’s sorry attempt of rugby. p. 25

gair rhydd

Sport email grsport@hotmail.com

February 17 2003 - Issue 735

PHOTO: Daniel Evans

Hartson rescues Welsh record Internationals

Riath Al-Samarrai, Sports Editor

Wales 2 - 2 Bosnia THE MARK HUGHES inspired renaissance of Welsh football has gained a place in history after his side ground out a mundane 2-2 draw against the battling Bosnia-Herzegovina.

John Hartson’s strike on 75 minutes spared Welsh embarrassment and preserved an unbeaten run stretching nine games - a Welsh national record.

The sequence of results is the best in Welsh football’s 127 year history and dates back to 2001 when Hartson’s solitary goal saw off the challenge of visitors Belarus.

This record marks the Welsh arrival on the world football scene, and standing at the top of Group Nine they are poised for qualification to the European Championships at Portugal in 2004.

Sadly for the 25,000 patriotic Welsh fans sparsely spread around the Millennium Stadium, the performance against their lowly Balkan opponents was disappointing given form of late.

As soon as the third minute Wales were showing the frailties that have been characteristic in the past and

provided a sorry reminder of the Bobby Gould days.

Andy Melville retreated under pressure allowing Vedin Music space to attack the Welsh back-line, before shooting narrowly wide and failing to punish some sloppy defending.

The early warning alarms did not make a resounding impact on the Welsh, and they were made to pay when Elvir Baljic cut in from the left and blasted an unstoppable shot past Darren Ward to open the scoring.

Wales responded swiftly and in style through Robert Earnshaw, who receiving the ball with his back to goal twisted and fired his shot into the top corner for the equaliser and his second international goal.

This didn’t galvanise the Welsh, and they almost conceded again when Mirsad Beslija bounded down on goal, but scornfully wasted the opportunity to restore the visitor’s lead by shooting straight at Ward.

Composure and precision in possession have been just two of the positives Mark Hughes has injected into his side on the field, but both attributes were notably absent in this game.

The second half followed

much the same pattern as the first, with the Welsh conceding possession cheaply, and missing dearly the services of injured Mark Delaney and Danny Gabbidon at the back.

Their absence was emphasised when Sergej Barbarez was able to stride in at the far post unchallenged and head home from Baljic’s precise cross.

Hartson soon equalised with a well-taken goal, but the disappointing result and poor performance won’t cast a shadow over a bright spell in Welsh football.

Hartson makes it 2-2.

Mark Hughes talks to gr sport MARK HUGHES has done it all as a player, winning virtually every domestic honour in the game, but has now made history as a manager.

The nine game unbeaten run that has seen Wales storm up the world rankings with impressive victories over Italy and Germany, leaves them poised on the verge of their first major championship appearance since the World Cup in 1958.

Hughes is keen to play down his role in the transformation of Welsh football that has seen the side evolve from perennial underachievers, to the stars that stood toe-to-toe with the mighty Argentinians; “I’m very proud of the players and my staff, they are responsible for the turn around. But this is not something we have achieved over night. This is the result of very hard work that must continue.”

Nowadays, Wales generate an aura of expectation when they play and “Sparkey,” as Hughes is affectionately known, recognises the value of such a strong squad.

“The group of lads I have to work with have been brilliant, they have got better as we go along. The boys have all learned a lot from this run, and the confidence is growing with every game.

They’re starting to realise the potential they have always had as a group of players to do well.”

With these words however, Hughes will not stand for any complacency among his troops and is aware that the task at hand is by no means straightforward.

“We have five very tough games remaining in this

group, and we cannot afford any mistakes. Everybody has to understand it is an enormous job and we have a very long way to go yet. But we will definitely be giving it our best shot.”

Hasty as it might be to buy a ticket for Portugal in 2004 just yet, with Wales sitting on a four-point lead at the head of the table, there is genuine cause for optimism that the Welsh may once again feature in a major international competition.

INTERVIEW WITH RIATH AL-SAMARRAI

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