gair rhydd - Issue 736

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Monday 3rd March / Free Word 736

Arts act like a complete (jack)ass

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“Ye Gods”

Union takes ‘war on fees’ to Welsh Assembly

Rhiannon Davies reports STUDENTS’ UNION officers descended upon the National Assembly last week in a bid to protect the future of higher education in Wales.

Last Wednesday saw the second NUS Wales Lobby of the Welsh Assembly - and Cardiff Student Union President Caz Noyes along with Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer Emma Bebington attended on behalf of Cardiff students.

NUS Wales aims to defend Welsh public services from

the implications of the General Agreement on Trade in Services (GATS) currently being debated by the World Trade Organisation.

The GATS are global trade talks that hope to ‘free up’ public sector markets such as education, health and energy, and private investment.

This could lead to privatisations and the public sector becoming more focused on profit rather than on providing a service.

Thanks to a recent EU declaration, Higher Education institutions are currently protected from the

“If GATS and top-up fees are not opposed we shall find students being priced out of higher education.”

NUS WALES PRESIDENT TOM McGARRY

liberalisation agenda of the GATS agreement - but only for two years.

This could mean that from 2005 universities could charge increased top-up fees of up to £3000 per year to become more competitive.

NUS Wales President Tom McGarry was present at the lobby and said, “We recently had good news that the liberalisation of higher education would not be considered in this round of PHOTO: KATHRYN EDWARDS negotiations.

“However this is only a NUS Wales President Tom McGarry speaking to Tory Assembly leader Nick Bourne period of two years and If Wales could set its own top-up fees and keep Welsh [education minister] Charles Assembly were asked by the Clarke has admitted his White student representatives to sign tuition fees policies, this public services public.

However only a sixth of Paper put higher education statements saying whether might protect Welsh students into an increasingly market they were in support of GATS from any UK-wide fees - Assembly members have so protection that Scottish far signed up to the students’ and top-up fees. driven structure. demands, and suggesting that The student representatives students already enjoy.

“If GATS and top-up fees NUS Wales in conjunction some political parties are split are not opposed we shall find also pressed the Welsh students being priced out of Assembly over the possible with Cardiff Union are on the issue.

Cardiff Union President Caz higher education and other devolution of student finance attempting to convince the powers to Wales from Assembly Members to defend public services.”

Welsh higher education from Members of the Welsh London.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

V I C T O RY !

WIN A FANTASTIC NIGHT OUT IN BLAGGING PAGE 10 ●News p 1–6 ● Letters p12/3 Features p20 ● Crossword&Quiz p9 ● Sport p.24 ● GRiP p15

News

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March 3 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

IN BRIEF Kick the dirty habit today!

NO SMOKING Day is being held on Wednesday March 12 with the Students Union setting up an advice stall for those attempting to give up.

A carbon monoxide detector will be available for students to test the state of their breath.

According to recent statistics, 35 per cent of the people reading this are regular smokers.

Those of you who aren’t smokers get cheaper car, fire and life insurance.

Tobacco is the only legally sellable product that commonly kills when it is used as intended.

Around 450 children start smoking everyday in the United Kingdom.

Smoking kills more people than road traffic accidents, poisoning,murder, manslaughter, suicide and AIDS put together.

Who’s for war?

Cardiff protein scientists come up trumps Simon Baylis reports CARDIFF UNIVERSITY scientists have made a medical breakthrough with the discovery of a new protein that could cure thousands.

The protein is designed to tackle chronic inflammation; a common ailment that often leads to more serious medical conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis.

The protein’s discovery is part of a joint programme of research led by Dr Simon Jones from the Cardiff school of Biosciences and Dr Nicholas Topley at the University of Wales College of Medicine (UWCM).

Dr Jones explained that “inflammation occurs naturally and is crucial to clear infection and repair tissue after damage.

“If the process goes wrong, it can lead to disorders such as colitis, and rheumatoid arthritis.”

The new protein is now entering a two-year development period to enable pharmaceutical and biotechnology companies to

Left to right: Drs. Peter Richards, Simon Jones and Mari Nowell incorporate the protein into a finished product that will be suitable for medical use.

This new breakthrough is just the latest in a number of achievements from the department of Biosciences, which came seventh in the 2001 National Assessment of Research Quality.

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Students’ Union will be hosting a debate on a possible war in Iraq on March 12 in conjunction with Cardiff University Chaplaincy.

The title for the debate will be “Why a war on Iraq would be politically and morally wrong”.

Students’ Union president Caz Noyes is keen to have as many different points of view expressed as possible.

She said, "We already have speakers for the proposal (Frank Trombley) and against the proposal (Alex Knowles).

"The more who come and to be provided for the clubs. express an opinion the better."

Victoria Moores reports Transport and traffic For more information contact Emma Bebington at THE NATIONAL Eisteddfod arrangements are also to be bebingtone@cf.ac.uk. of Wales, the festival worked out.

A spokeswoman for the celebrating Welsh culture, is set to be held in Cardiff 2008 Cardiff bid said, “It is important to realise that in 2008.

The festival, which can be Cardiff is bidding on behalf of traced back to 1176, is a key the whole of Wales. The Cardiff University Student’s event in Cardiff’s bid to staging of the Eisteddfod in Union Annual General Meeting become the European Capital the city will enable audiences and performers from all over of Culture in the same year. is being held on March 18.

Last year Cardiff City Wales to take part in the Societies have to send three delegates. Any other students hosted the youth version of celebrations.” the festival, the Urdd are encouraged to attend.

Voting for non-sabbatical and Eisteddfod at Coopers Field. It sabbatical officers begins attracted more than 100,000 visitors. afterwards.

Pontcanna Fields has been selected as the venue for the 2008 Eisteddfod and it is expected to attract more than 25,000 visitors every day it runs.

ADDRESS Detailed assessments have University Union been carried out by the Park Place Environmental Agency of Cardiff Wales to reduce fears of CF10 3QN flooding at the venue and to assess whether higher ground EDITORIAL should be used.

02920 781434 Cardiff Council’s Cabinet has agreed to contribute £350,000 towards the cost of ADVERTISING staging the event and a 08451 300667 further £100,000 to reinstate the ground to its former EMAIL condition afterwards.

SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk The next steps are to carry out discussions with the VISITORS various sports clubs that Find us on the 4th floor of currently use Pontcanna Druidess: last year’s the Students Union Fields. Alternative grounds are Eisteddfod

Eisteddfod to be in Cardiff 2008

See the AGM, then vote

gair rhydd

The School of Biosciences is also the home of the only dedicated Common Cold and Flu research centre in the whole of the UK. Dr Wendy Ross from Cardiff University’s Research and Consultancy Division said, “This discovery is the product of five years of

research in collaboration with the University of Wales College of Medicine.”

She added, “There is still a great deal of other research going on at the moment between the two schools.

“Expect much more from us in the future.”

Students lobby Assembly CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 Noyes commented, “It is of very great concern to me that our government appears divided and unsure on such a crucial issue.

“Very little comment was given on potential devolutionary powers being awarded to Wales, as very little discussion has been taking place between the Welsh Assembly and Whitehall.”

When discussing this issue National Assembly Education Minister Jane Davidson said: “I’m keen to devolve the powers to the Assembly, but we need the funding to go with it.

“I’m still in talks with Charles Clarke about the situation.”

Speaking after the meeting, Cardiff Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer Emma Bebington said: “The event proved much tougher than the last lobby.

“There is a definite shift in attitude which could reflect a hidden understanding now reached within parties.

“This could have worrying implications for the future of higher education.”

Additional reporting: Kathryn Edwards

News

March 3 2003

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gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

Zimbabwe refugees’ Union protest David Jarmain reports THE STUDENTS’ UNION rang to the sound of protest at the end of last month, when refugees from the southern African country of Zimbabwe came here to speak out against the dictator Robert Mugabe.

Mugabe has come to the attention of international media for the chaotic and brutal implementation of his land reform programme.

The programme began as the systematic theft of whiteowned farms and the harrassment and sometimes brutalisation of the owners.

But since then the campaign of violence has widened and now targets any Zimbabweans, black or white, who resist the power of Mugabe’s ruling Zanu-PF party.

Awareness of this is exactly what Cardiff Uni’s Student Action for Refugees (STAR) society, led by Jess Huckin, sought to promote as part of their national day of action.

With the assistance of the

organisation “Zimbabwe Hope” the Cardiff STAR group organised a seminar given by Zimbabweans who have fled the regime.

The speakers included former white farmer Mark Young who had been forced to leave his home in July 2000, and two black Zimbabweans, who cannot be identified for fear of attacks that might be carried out against their families.

Mugabe has agents that travel internationally attempting to track those who have fled the country.

One black Zimbabwean described Mugabe as “an uncontrollable tyrant with no heart for his own people”.

Mark Young was clear about the affect Mugabe’s policies are having on his country.

“Those that are too poor to leave the country are tortured, starved or murdered. In some cases they have even been burned and sexually assaulted.

“Anyone attempting to set up refugee camps for displaced families within Zimbabwe is arrested on accusations of creating

military training camps.

“Only those with a Zanu PF membership card can buy food in shops.

Unsurprisingly, Robert Mugabe been losing popular support for years.

However, last year’s elections were condemned as systematically unfair and rigged by western observers, and evidence mounted of intimidation and threats against supporters of the Opposition Movement for Democratic Change.

Mr. Young continued: “The country now faces starvation. Zimbabwe is a fertile country but Mugabe has deployed food supplies as a political weapon.

“Any food that is confiscated is dumped rather than re-distributed. Farms The reality of life in Zimbabwe today and (inset) former farmer Mark Young essential to food production are taken from not only the purpose. They simply want to all. He has used land, due to civilians face then support for white owners, but also their enjoy the large houses in lack of currency, to trade for their plight will also increase.

Any students wanting fuel with Libya. black workers and given to picturesque landscapes.

Despite these bleak further information on how to “As a result 90 per cent of supporters of Zanu PF. “These men have no idea all food production in the p r o s p e c t s , S T A R a n d get involved with either STAR Zimbabwe Hope are or Zimbabwe Hope should about how to run a farm, how country has stopped.” contact Jess at star@cf.ac.uk Mugabe is not even giving optimistic for the future. to grow crops or harvest, and STAR hopes that by or don’t even show any intention the land taken from white Mark Young at to ever use the land for this farmers to Zimbabweans at promoting the true conditions info@zimbabwehope.co.uk.

It’s Sony a joke for Cardiff teams’ debate success Hannah’s minidisc Katie Bodinger reports

Mark Cobley reports FIVE TEAMS from Cardiff took part in Saturday’s second annual Welsh Universities Debating Society.

They debated on motions ranging from “This house supports the US stand on Iraq” to “This house would make tobacco companies pay compensation to people suffering from smoking related diseases.”

The final was held in Swansea University on

Saturday night. Two teams from Cardiff joined a team from Aberystwyth University and a team from the University of Glamorgan to debate the motion “This house would allow assisted suicide.”

Cardiff B team, Helen Jarman and Amy Thomas, won the debate and will go on to represent Wales in the International John Smith Memorial Mace in Cork on March 15th.

It also worth noting that four out of the five top

speakers on the tab were from Cardiff University.

“Not bad considering most of our members only began debating this year; one of the finalists only joined the society 3 weeks ago!” said Lucy Mckay, Debating Society Treasurer.

The Debating Society meets at 8pm every Thursday evening in the Student Development Unit and provides complete training to debaters and judges.

They can be contacted on Cardiffdebate@cf.ac.uk..

The scene at Swansea University, where Cardiff reigned supreme in the debate

A CARDIFF graduate has been left feeling shortchanged after purchasing a faulty mini-disc player from a city centre store.

Hannah Smith, who graduated in Psychology last year, bought the player from the Sony Centre last March.

However it soon began to develop problems and more than six months later she is still waiting for a replacement.

“The sound on it was really crackly so I took it back to the store,” Hannah said.

“They said that they would send it off to be repaired.”

After nearly a month, Hannah got her mini-disc player back, but after two days, she was experiencing the same problem.

“I went back to the shop and said that I wasn’t happy and wanted a replacement, but they told me that they would only send it off to be repaired again.”

Begrudgingly Hannah handed over the mini-disc for a second time, asking for a contact address so that she could complain.

“When I got a reply from the address the manager had given me, I was told that they had nothing to do with my complaint and that I’d been given the wrong address.

“I feel like the manager is laughing at me by fobbing me off instead of dealing with the problem.”

“He’s told me that my

Cardiff graduate Hannah Smith with her guarantee guarantee only covers it for repair within a year of purchase.

“I read on the guarantee that it can be replaced but the manager isn’t having any of it.

“I’ve written three letters of complaint now and taken a day off work to sort this out.”

She added: “As a graduate I’m probably worse off now than when I was a student, as I have to start paying my debts off.

“I really can’t afford to replace a mini-disc player worth £200 that breaks after six months!”

The manager of the Sony Centre on Kingsway said: “Miss Smith’s complaint is currently being dealt with by our area manager. We are waiting for a report to come back from Sony regarding the

mini-disc player.

He added: “I am sure Miss Smith will be happy with the outcome.”

Maria Al-Haddad from the Union’s Student Advice Centre said, “Always make sure you go to a reputable dealer when purchasing expensive electrical items.

“Read the guarantee very carefully before you buy.

“If the shop doesn’t fulfil the terms of the guarantee, you should ask for an address to complain formally in writing.

“If this brings no resolution you could get in touch with Trading Standards.

A good email address is w w w . c o n s u m e r. g o v . u k , which provides online advice and information for consumers.”

Page 4

News Student anger Jackass stunts in as University Cardiff - again

March 3 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

CRIME FILE THEFT FROM XPRESS AN OPPORTUNIST theft took place on Friday Febrary 14 from the Xpress Radio offices.

A laptop was stolen from the office where the manager Hiten Vaghmaria was working at the time.

Four young men aged 18-22 were noticed loitering in the area and shortly after were seen running away. gair rhydd editor Gemma Curtis noticed four suspicious looking men in the area and was able to give descriptions to the police.

She commented, “It’s especially bad as this kind of theft not only takes from Xpress, but steals from everyone who is a student as it means that there are less resources to help us.”

She observed them making a hasty exit but security were unable to apprehend them.

Together with Union security, the police urge caution at all times. Security should be alerted immediately if suspicious characters are seen on Union premises.

Reporting: John Collingridge

MOBILE PHONE SCAM

admits postgrad ‘failure’ Claire Woods reports POSTGRADUATES AT Cardiff have been left stunned after the University openly admitted that it is failing them.

In February 2003 the Graduate Board was concerned to receive a paper acknowledging that “Cardiff is failing to provide a high quality product to all of its postgraduate students.”

Now the Union’s Postgraduate Officer David Manning is launching a campaign to try and get postgraduates to know and understand their rights.

At present, the University’s Academic Registrar checks postgraduate degree programmes are in line with the University’s code of practices - but David thinks this is not good enough.

“The university’s failure to make high quality provision available to all its postgraduates is alarming,” David said.

“It is unfair to current students.

“Academic departments are giving incomplete answers to the Academic Registrar and ignoring the Research Degrees Quality Handbook.”

The ‘Postgraduate Rights’ campaign aims to informs postgraduates of what they are entitled to.

Research Students’ rights

STUDENTS HAVE been contacted via their mobile telephones in a series of cunning scams.

The victims were told they had won a prize, and that to claim they had to give out their credit card or debit card details to the caller.

The theives aim to use the details to pay for goods and services.

Police are advising students never to give credit card or debit card details away unless the are certain of the identity of the person who is asking for the Karen Richards reports information.

A NEW comprehensive European level information system has been designed to connect people to detailed A NUMBER of burglaries have information on education been been reported in the and learning with the click Richmond Road/Gordon Road of a mouse.

Discovering information on area near to Cardiff city job opportunities is also centre.

Items have also been stolen available to people in thirty from windowsills at Talybont European countries from March 5.

Halls of Residence.

The name? Ploteus. The Police have advised students Union’s new to keep their windows locked European internet portal aims to whenever they can. increase the visibility of European education and If any student has any information on these or any other training opportunities on offer for all potential learners. crimes, please contact PC Ploteus - named after the Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security ancient Greek word for on 02920 874444. ‘navigator’ - will open doors PC Bob’s website is at for enthusiastic Europeans www.cardiffstudents.com/ ready for new experiences in content/police. other countries.

include adequate induction to the department, skills training and adequate supervising.

Taught Postgraduate student rights include representation in your department and access to a personal tutor.

If teaching, postgraduates should have clear terms of employment and have a mentor.

Posters for the campaign are to be placed around the University and interested postgraduate students should check cardiffstudents.com for more information.

They can also contact the Postgraduate Officer in the Non-sabbatical Office on the The scenes at Central Station as Jackass rolled into town third floor of the union or email ManningD@cf.ac.uk showed up in a wetsuit, frankfurters, and finally dog Hannah Macklin reports asking who’d like to make a food in a desperate pursuit of REGULAR READERS of gair Jack ‘arse’ of themselves, glory.

Worryingly, kids had rhydd might be forgiven for along with various waifs and a slight bout of deja vu as strays he’d already picked up missed school to come and the second Jackass-related on his journey around Britain. emulate their newest role There wasn’t a Wee Man in models. stunt in as many weeks One woman had even rolled into the city last sight, but the kids still lapped excused her son from school it up.

Tuesday.

People who had shown up and accompanied him to the Only last issue we reported how Welsh stunters Dirty after hearing about the event station, only to witness him Sanchez have their own on Red Dragon FM were wretch on dog food for the Wednesday night show on offered the chance to compete chance to meet Knoxville et MTV, featuring insane antics for the honour of attending al.

As a young lady emerged the Jackass movie premiere in filmed in and around Cardiff. victorious with a cry of “come Last week it was the turn of London.

All of the contestants, save on!”, onlookers were forced to the Jackass movie promotional ambulance to visit the Welsh the solitary female, whipped agree - come on.

Ironically, the event took capital - but it wasn’t off their shirts to reveal their fine torsos, and proceeded to place directly in front of a sign Knoxville and his friends.

What actually happened shovel down raw eggs, tins of declaring Cardiff to be Union postgraduates enormous ‘European Capital of Culture’. was an unknown Englishman mackerel, officer David Manning

New website aims to help Caffiene-fuelled students fly high travel and jobs abroad

STUDENTS BURGLED

Moving to a Country gives Clicking on www.ploteus.net leads to a hints on the practical aspects collection of links divided into such as accommodation and sections: Learning the cost of living.

If you are thinking of going Opportunities, Education Systems, Exchanges, Contact, abroad, perhaps on a gap year and Moving to a Country - during or after your course, each focusing on different this website is well worth a look at for training and types of information.

The Learning Opportunities learning opportunities. section provides almost 4,000 links to national or regional databases, education and training institutions’ websites.

Information about the structure of education systems is available in the Education Systems section.

Descriptions can be read in eleven different languages with relevant links to other useful sites.

The Exchange section provides information about all types of exchange programmes, from traineeships, to European Voluntary Services.

Students teach abroad

Katie Bodinger reports CARDIFF students are being encouraged to take part in adrenaline and caffeine fuelled fun in Red Bull’s Flugtag event in the summer.

The competition, which takes place on August 3 in Hyde Park, expects over 40,000 spectators.

Contestants have to build manpowered flying machines that launch off a six metre high ramp.

Marks are awarded for distance, creativity and performance. The first prize is a "Top Gun sortie" – a chance to fly in a two-seat competition aerobatic aeroplane with an RAF pilot.

This is the first time the event has been staged in the UK. Red Bull spokesperson Hannah Wright said: “It is going to be a huge event and

should be loads of fun too.

“We really want Cardiff students to take part and represent their university.

“It will be a great chance to have a laugh and enjoy the sunshine.”

Wannabe pilots wishing to take part can request or download an application form at www.redbullflugtag.co.uk from March 13th.

The “flugtag” event

News

March 3 2003

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gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

NUS critic hopes to become next president Edward Walker reports ONE OF the NUS’ most active critics is amongst the seven candidates in the running to be the NUS’ next president.

Since founding the education website educationnet.org, Joe Rukin, a postgraduate student at Coventry University has been determined to expose the “impotence” of the NUS. The postgraduate student aims to be elected for NUS President and if successful, claims he will reveal the problems of the NUS. At the annual NUS conference, to be held in Blackpool in April, Mr Rukin will attempt to end Labour’s dominance of the NUS. Mr Rukin feels that “factional infighting and doing the bidding of party masters has made the NUS the embarrassment it is today.”

Mr. Rukin also points to the fact that the Labour Party “abolished the grant in 1997, brought in fees and is going to charge top up fees” and yet is still the party running the NUS today.

He also believes “the cycle needs to be broken” and the “NUS has to reform or die”.

Current NUS President Mandy Telford recently spoke about the issue.

She commented, “The NUS has stood up to the government and has had

some successful campaigns.”

Mandy Telford, a Labour representative is one of the seven candidates and is hoping for a second term as NUS president.

The five other candidates for the post include Campaign for Free Education candidate Kat Fletcher and NUS treasurer Dervish Mertcan.

The Conservative Party’s representative will be Andre Walker.

The up-coming conference will also see the topical presence of Sukant Chandan, a campaigner for Palestinian rights and Omar Bachah who is on the committee of the national Stop the War Coalition.

Whatever the outcome of the conference, some important steps may have been made by Mr. Rukin in exposing possible problems within the NUS.

Current NUS President Mandy Telford

Students and landlord deadlocked in dispute Anna Hodgekiss reports

A DISPUTE has erupted between property firm City Management and its previous tenants with neither side prepared to back down.

The issue surrounds a property in Moy Road, Roath occupied by seven Cardiff students last year.

Having vacated the premises at the end of June 2002 they recently contacted gair rhydd with allegations regarding the house and the agency involved located on Salisbury Road.

The third year students claim despite its initial satisfactory appearance, the house was riddled with problems including a fungus infection and constant flooding whenever using the bath or shower.

When repairs were made the tenants were left unhappy as the problems continued.

The absence of a back gate led to strangers being able to wander in off the street, the house only moments away from the busy area of Albany Road.

The students also allege some carpets were attached with super glue and the lack of an overflow pipe from the kitchen left debris from the sink and washing machine strewn over the back patio.

However it appears the largest bone of contention lies with the bond money.

A bond of £230 per tenant

gair rhydd ...World Roundup...

OCOTOPUS IS ALL HANDS GERMANY: An octopus in a German zoo has learned to open jars of shrimps by copying staff - and is now showing off her skills to visitors.

Frida, the five-month-old octopus opens the jars by pressing her body on the lid and grasping the sides with her eight tentacles.

She unscrews the lid by repeatedly twisting her body.

Frank Mueller, head of the aquarium at the Hellabrunn Zoo in Munich, said he taught Frida the trick after he remembered seeing octopuses accomplishing feats of dexterity while he was diving in Morocco where Frida originated.

Frida is following the footsteps - or tentacle steps of two octopuses in the UK

and at least one octopus in America which have also mastered the art.

Frida, the flexible German octopus

BLAIR TALKS WAR ON MTV UK: Tony Blair has decided to appear on music channel MTV in a bid to win over doubters of a possible war in Iraq.

The prime minister will

appear on an hour-long show, on March 7, which will take the form of a direct question and answer session with an audience of 16 to 24 year olds.

The 40-strong audience will include British, French, Italian, Spanish, Dutch, Iraqi, Palestinian and American young people.

The MTV forum with Tony Blair: Is War the Answer? will be broadcast to over 300 million homes on MTV channels worldwide, and is seen to be the latest in a number of PR efforts by the prime minister.

The problem student house on Moy Road, Roath was paid at the beginning of the contract yet only £110 returned at the end. £40 per person was subtracted for the repainting of bedrooms yet the extenants report that the present occupiers have had to redecorate themselves.

The house also changed ownership in April 2002 though the students maintain they were never informed of this. City Management sold the property to a private landlord affiliated with another agency - CPS in Miskin Street.

Consultations with the Union’s Student Advice Centre have left the group

manager and also previous owner of the Moy Road premises, Sajid Ghaffar.

He believes the accusations are totally unfounded explaining that £35,000 had been spent only months before the students moved in on cleaning, painting, brand new furniture and carpets and a new fitted kitchen.

Mr Ghaffar explained that the property was indeed sold in April 2002 but the tenants had been sent written notification of this before the action was executed.

In this light, he stressed to gair rhydd that the property was now responsibility of the new landlord and CPS.

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at the places and people making the headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World The remains of the 1.8 million year old hominid are said to rank among the best spcimens yet discovered of early man.

Professor Robert Blumenschine said, “This is an important ancestor that comes from a crucial time in prehistory - when hominids had just begun to exploit larger animals as a food source and when brain size was beginning to expand

FOSSIL SHOWS HUMAN ORIGINS TANZANIA: Palaeontologists say a new fossil find from Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania could simplify our understanding of the origin of humans.

disappointed as without an inventory very little action can be taken.

They were also advised that it was not illegal to sell and not notify tenants.

One of the students told gair rhydd, “We would recommend people to avoid City Management and be very cautious of any dealings with them.

Make sure you complete an inventory when you move in and get it signed by all parties involved.”

City Management has strenuously denied any wrongdoing and has fought back at these strong allegations which have infuriated agency

The upper teeth of a species of early man

significantly.”

The new find, titled OH 65, consists of a portion of the lower face and upper jaw with all the teeth present.

ARTIST TIES UP RODIN’S LOVERS LONDON: Auguste Rodin’s sculpture masterpiece The Kiss has been wrapped in one mile of string as part of a modern art exhibition in London’s Tate Britain gallery.

The marble sculpture of a couple in a heated embrace once considered too rude for public view - has been wrapped in twine by TurnerPrize nominated artist Cornelia Parker.

Her addition to the 1886 work is supposed to represent the “claustrophobia of relationships” and capture the “moment of erotic poignancy”.

The artist spent almost a week wrapping string around the sculpture. It covers the couple’s faces and is drapped around their bodies.

A Tate spokesman said that the work raised awareness of the historical context of the sculpture.

Parker is one of 23 modern artists whose works will be seen around the normally traditional Tate Britain for the next three months as part of this exhibition.

Wrapped up: Rodin’s kissing figures

Interview

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March 3 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

From rebel to responsibility Former anti-apartheid activist and current Secretary of State for Wales Peter Hain talks to Dominic O’Neill.

PETER HAIN has led one of the most interesting lives in British politics.

Perhaps surprisingly, that is actually saying quite a lot.

But the ex-Anti Nazi League chairman has had to calm much of his anti-establishment energies to gain a place in Tony Blair’s Cabinet.

The MP for Neath first acquired a government position in 1999 when he was made Middle East and Africa Minister.

Prominant left-wing journalist John Pilger said afterwards that he “metamorphosed from a principled political activist into yet another Foreign Office mouthpiece.”

Peter Hain spent the first years of his life in South

behind Tony Blair’s position on Iraq.

“Saddam Hussein has to be dealt with,” he said.

In 1977, after being made chairman and then president of the Young Liberals, Hain was branded an opportunist “turncoat” when he joined the Labour party.

He continued as a political activist up until the 1980s as press officer for the Anti-Nazi League.

The minister spent 15 years working as a trade union official in London but then became MP for Labour stronghold Neath, near Swansea. This was not only his first time in mainstream politics, it was also his first time in Wales.

“I got phoned up by a transport and general workers official who told me that my predecessor was retiring and this election was wide open,” he said.

“I then spent three months travelling up and down the country from London to Wales before being elected.”

The MP now says he thinks PETER HAIN ON THE GOVERNMENT’S RESPONSE TO POPULAR ANTI-WAR FEELING of himself as Welsh “more than anything else”.

“I’ve lived here for 13 Africa, where his parents service paid a lookalike to rob years,” he said. were prominent anti- a bank in Putney.

“I was born a British Hain admits that his Apartheid campaigners. makes him citizen, but I’m a bit of a Eventually, when the background a British young Hain was 16, his family empathise with the huge anti- mixture were forced into exile in war protest in London earlier internationalist.

“I think you can be Welsh Britain after they brought last month.

“It was enormously and proud to be British and food to the then jailed Nelson proud to be European too. impressive,” he said.

Mandela.

“Everyone in Wales fits “Any minister who didn’t Hain studied economics at the University of London, and have a wake up call as a each one of those categories.”

Hain is now the UK’s it was during this time that he result of that protest shouldn’t representative on the became chairman of the Stop remain in the government.”

Union’s Despite this, the former European the 1970 Tour campaign, a pressure group seeking to Foreign Office minister also Constitutional Convention, prevent South Africa’s all- maintains that he is firmly the body in charge of white Springbok rugby team from playing in Britain.

“I didn’t really have an ordinary student life,” he told gair rhydd last week.

“Instead of drinking in the students’ union bar, I spent most of my time in organising protests.”

Running onto the rugby pitches just before the games were about to start and gluing the players’ hotel room doors were just two of the methods he used at the time.

At one point he was named South Africa’s Public Enemy Number One and even received a bomb through the post. (It failed to explode because of faulty wiring.)

At 25 years of age he went through a ten-month trial after the South African secret

“Any minister who didn’t have a wake up call as a result of that protest shouldn’t remain in the government.”

Peter Hain protesting with the Anti-Nazi League in 1978

The MP for Neath has joined the Cabinet for the first time as Welsh Secretary restructuring the European Union. He is a keen exponent of greater links with Europe.

The minister is also Secretary of State for Wales, and the link between Westminster and Rhodri Morgan’s Welsh Assembly government.

He states that his main ambitions in this position are to create a “world class Wales,” to reduce unemployment and to “ensure a clear Labour majority in the Welsh Assembly elections on May 1.”

The biggest move he has made so far has been to start the process of giving the Welsh Assembly complete control over university funding in Wales.

“There is a logic to this,” he said.

“The Assembly is responsible for 95 per cent of Higher Education funding in Wales already.

“Wales’ situation is different from England’s.”

If the change goes ahead, it could mean that Welsh students would never have to pay the top-up fees.

Welsh Assembly Education Minister Jane Davidson has said that she is considering blocking fees.

But there seems to be some confusion as to whether English students studying in Wales would have to pay topup fees if their Welsh colleagues did not.

Jane Davidson has said that

English students who studied in Wales would not have to pay extra.

But Peter Hain says that although this is “a matter for the assembly government,” he “cannot envisage a situation in which students from England would be able to escape top-up fees.”

Some have accused the minister of thinking twice about handing power over as he has not revealed any developments since he

for Education and Employment.”

So by the time this issue is resolved, Peter Hain might well have moved away from the Welsh Office.

As a close supporter of Tony Blair, many have predicted that he will to rise to a more important position than the relatively minor Cabinet role of postdevolution Secretary of State for Wales.

The MP thinks he is not an

“I can’t envisage a situation in which English students will get out of paying top-up fees.”

PAIN HAIN ON THE WELSH ASSEMBLY’S STUDENT FUNDING POLICIES originally announced his intentions in January.

He could not give an exact date for when the public will find out if and when the transfer of HE funding power will occur.

But he assured gair rhydd it would have to be resolved before universities elsewhere in Britain start charging topup fees in 2006.

“None of this will be resolved early,” he explained.

“If the Welsh Assembly is to be given complete control over student funding we have to make sure we do it right.

“At the moment assembly officials are bottoming out the figures with the Department

unquestioning Blairite.

He said, “I am not anyone’s ‘ite’. I’ve never accepted a label.

“I’ve always said I was on the left of the [Labour] movement and described myself as a libertarian socialist.”

He also denies that he is seeking a higher status in the government.

“I’m just very happy to be in the cabinet,” he said.

“I’m not looking ahead. I’ve never looked ahead. You can’t predict what is going to happen in politics.

“I didn’t know I was going to be Secretary of State for Wales on October 26th 2002.

The next day, I was there.”

Editorial & Opinion

March 3 2003

Page 7

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

Who holds the power? gair rhydd EDITORIAL

A

h it’s that time of the fortnight when the hysteria is beginning to set in. After a whole two hours sleep this week (well it feels like it) we’re sat eating strawberries, going a little stir crazy With the nominations for the sabbatical and non-sabbatical union posts now closed, the election campaigning is now under way well and truly. Unlike the national press at election time, gair rhydd is constitutionally bound to keep schtum on all the candidates from now on. This effective gagging order means we cannot print anything which will harm or help any of the candidates.

But we would like to wish everyone running for a position the best of luck. Give us lots of sweets on the union steps and wear your nice bright t-shirts, just don’t hassle us when we’re trying to have a quiet pint.

Please!

Charlotte Spratt writes

R

eaders of many of the national dailies may well have been struck by the strength of their support for the war on Iraq in stark contrast to public opinion.

Whilst the Mirror continues its Stop the War campaign, its arch-rival The Sun has branded Chirac a worm for his country’s anti-war stance. A special edition told its French readers “We think your president, Jacques Chirac, is a disgrace to Europe by constantly threatening to veto military action to enforce the will of the UN against Iraq.

“On behalf of our 10 million readers, we say to you today: Are you not ashamed of your president?”

The mouthy tabloid, which could be sued under French laws for criticising the President, prides itself on being the mouthpiece for British people. So why is the

Media Tycoon Rupert Murdoch

paper so out of touch with real public opinion?

Funnily enough, the paper is part of the influential News Corporation owned by Rupert Murdoch, the publicly pro-war friend of Tony Blair.

In recent interviews Murdoch stated “We can’t back down now. I think Bush is acting very morally, very correctly.

“The greatest thing to come out of this for the world economy, if you could put it that way, would be $20 a barrel for oil. That’s bigger than any tax cut in the any country.”

These comments came a week after he told Fortune magazine in the US that war could fuel an economic boom.

Murdoch’s company owns over 175 titles in three continents and dominates markets in Britain, Australia and New Zealand. His television reach is even greater. And it is uncanny how there is such unity of opinion on the war across his company.

From the New York Post to The Times and Sydney Daily Telegraph, the message is proBush and insistently pro-war. It is frightening how far one man’s opinions can reach.

It is not only the Murdoch papers which fall in line. Lord Conrad Black’s papers (the two Telegraph’s and the Spectator), for example, are predictably hailing a new dawn in the ‘New World vs. old debate’. The problem in Britain is that AustralianAmericans and Canadians own the major papers, a fact which heavily affects their stance at times of national crisis. Whilst the French papers reflect polls which show four out of five French backing their President and German dailies echo the neat divide of opinion there, here there is less real debate or feel for public attitude.

Even the Mirror’s stance has been decried as a mere publicity stunt. It’s provision of the screen for the anti-war march meant its logo was seen by millions of people and accrued them the equivalent of hundred of thousands worth of advertising.

As usual the owners and editors have their own agendas, which curiously seem to mirror their views on the EU and euro. It is therefore worth taking each article on Iraq with the same pinch of salt you would spare for the gossip columns. Or Richard Littlejohn.

avoid any trouble, as they had not been given adequate warning about the match.

Surely a day which sees such massive amounts of people travel into the city is the most important time for the public transport system to be running as smoothly and efficiently as possible.

Cardiff plays host to several more sporting events in the next coming months, so wouldn’t it best for everyone – the government included, if

travellers could get in and out of the city as easily as possible on trains and other forms of public transport without the fuss that was seen recently?

Maybe if people were to have fast, efficient, hassle-free journeys on trains and buses, then more travellers would be tempted to use public transport and a start would be made in the attempt to cut down on car congestion.

Sort out our transport system

It is occasionally brought to our attention that some readers dislike the language used in the paper.

We do all we can to support the societies and people who wish to be featured in the paper and we try to appease as well as appeal to everyone. For every person who finds something offensive, several people take it in the spirit it is meant in and have a laugh.

It is difficult to strike the right balance and we aim to please as many people as possible and, luckily, the majority of people seem to enjoy what we produce.

Please don’t write in and prove me wrong!

We’re mad for pullouts this year. After the magnificence that was the varsity pullout, we have all the coverage from the match in Sports this fortnight. Well done for a fantastic result lads and to the organisers of what was a very successful varsity.

This issue we have an election special telling you all the positions and all the candidates –- so many many thanks to Mark Cobley for all his hard work this fortnight.

The elections have changed format this year with the non sabbaticals at the same time as the sabbatical elections so all the manifestoes will be produced in a separate handout. These will distributed around campus so look out for them so you know who to vote for.

Do take notice of the campaigning. It’s for the future good of the union as well as the future price of beer in the taf!

Rhiannon Davies writes

A

fter being in for place less than a couple of weeks, the new

congestion fee which charges motorists £5 for driving into central London has been deemed a success by transport officials.

Whilst the congestion charge may have encouraged more London commuters to use public transport, it seems a bit eager to praise the scheme when the rest of the transport system in the country is in such a depressing state.

The public are constantly being pleaded by the

government to abandon cars and instead use public transport, but sometimes it is just not possible to do this, as highlighted by an example in Cardiff.

The recent Wales-England Six-Nation match saw thousands of fans from both countries descending upon the city, and yet a stop was put to all trains leaving Cardiff from 6pm on match-day.

The train companies claim that they took this action to

The Brits sing for peace M

usic awards ceremonies are more usually associated with drunken celebrity silliness and newsworthy shenanigans than a serious appreciation of what the industry has been doling out in the past year. But this year the organisers of the Brits changed tack. No alcohol meant no naughtiness. And there was even time for a shiny boiler-suit attired Ms. Dynamite to do her bit in terms of anti-war protesting.

Although the sight of a huge George Michael singing away on the screens behind her was a tad surreal, you had to give her some credit for using her time on stage to good effect.

The song itself was musically dubious but the sentiments were not: “I don’t want to see the children die no more so I gotta make a stand” she sang, and her pregnant state gave her words added weight.

The delectable Chris Martin of Coldplay also had his

tuppence worth, drawing the words “Make Trade Fair” on his left hand for all to see as he performed Clocks with an alarming amount of leg energy.

These sorts of political statements, while not exactly ground-breakingly original, are still something. But it would seem that American music stars had an altogether tougher time expressing their views at this year’s recent Grammy Awards. Threatened that their microphones would be turned off if they tried to make any anti-war statements, any such sentiments were successfully muted and Sheryl Crow had to be content with performing with “No War” written on her guitar strap. So it appears Ms. Dynamite’s efforts wouldn’t have been welcome across the Atlantic.

Interestingly, the ever mercurial Madonna has been causing controversy with the news that the video for her

LaDonna Hall writes new single “American Dream” is to be ‘shockingly’ anti-war.

Her publicist Liz Rosenberg says the video is “a panoramic view of our culture and looming war through the view of a female superhero portrayed by Madonna.”

Indeed. But with Madonna’s new album due out soon I just wish we could be sure her latest artistic venture isn’t little more than a publicity stunt as the boundaries between music and politics will inevitably continue to be blurred.

Got an opinion on our opinions? E-mail us at greditorial@hotmail.com with a 300-word piece

08 • Classifieds

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

gair rhydd 03 03 03 NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on ssufc1@cardiff.ac.uk Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER: JonesJH@cardiff.ac.uk Ahh, at last. Welcome Janine to the world of fun, that is the exec.

ACCOMMODATION

MISCELLANEOUS

HOUSEMATE WANTED to share with four 3rd year students. Richards Street Cathays. Nice house, great landlord. All mod. cons. £215 per. month.

Phone 02920912595 or 07736053653 Two rooms available for the next year on Mackintosh Place to share with four girls.

Newly refurbished, all mod. cons. including tumble drier. £50 a week. Phone 07855349146 Large room available from start of April on West Grove close to town/uni. £215 per month including water. Contact Jenny 07815823560 Housemate wanted for next academic year to share with very friendly housemates three girls and one boy. Quiet location, large bedrooms, all with double-beds.

Lovely landlady. £52 per week. Contact Siobhan on 07812 049732.

JAMES GRAHAM LOVEDAY 07/03/82 Happy 21st Birthday.

Love Vicki, Mertel and Dilbert!

EMPLOYMENT I walked into the butchers the other day, he told me he had to sack his assistant ‘cos he’d caught him with his willy in the bacon slicer. “What did you do with the bacon slicer?” I asked. “I had to sack her too” he replied.

Yes!!! We have photos. They may be of naked men, but what the hell, at least someone is bothering. And what about the rest of you, don’t you have birthdays or something? Surely all of you would wish to see your friends squirm uncomfortably, whilst you openly mock their poses.

ANDREW DILBERT SMITH 08/03/82 Happy 21st Birthday.

Love Vicki, Claire and Izzy (The Dog!) Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

gair rhydd 03 03 03

Five Minute Fun • 09

O d d s and sods

The weird and wonderful

You cannot lick your elbow The Electric Chair was invented by a dentist Americans eat on average 18 acres of pizza a day If Barbie were real her measurements would be 3923-33 and she’d be over seven feet tall A snail can sleep for three years I bet you tried to lick your elbow All polar bears are left-handed

What the hell happened to you?

A

B

C

A bit of a quiz*

*Don’t write in kids, it’s just for fun!

Who from the rich and famous have we disfigured this week? No, these are not guests from Trisha or ex-Steps members, these are actually beloved celebrities cunningly disguised. But can you guess who?

word of the week

Drop this word into conversation as often as possible and watch your friends go green with envy (or beat you with a spoon)

Pleonasm n. the use of more words than is necessary; a word or phrase that is superfluous

1 Which poet recently translated Beowulf into English?

In what year did Henry V lead his troops into battle at 2 Agincourt?

3 Who were the five members of Take That? which TV Christmas special did the two lead 4 Incharacters appear dressed as Batman and Robin?

Lennie Lawrence is the boss of which second 5 division football side?

A f ew t h i n g s

we’ve noticed recently are triangular sandwiches always taste better than square, reading when drunk is horrible, it’s impossible to pick up a frisbee and still look cool and driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited

T h i s f o r t n i g h t,

Across: 2 7 8 9 12 13 14 16 19 21 22 24 27 31 32 33 34 35 36

Retinue (9) Dressmaker’s temporary fastener (3) Bolt’s counterpart (3) Large bird related to the crow (5) Moorland bird of the woodcock family (6) More extended (6) Foe (5) Original garden (4) Change back and forth (4) Thrust forward (7) Corrupt, or curved (4) Old fashioned ‘you’ (5) Shade of pink (5) Weaken, diminish n quality (6) Affectionate term of address (6) Poison of snakes (5) The side away from the wind (3) Stage of a journey (3) Pertinence, aptness (9)

we at gr have mostly been...debating what we’d eat if the world was made of plastic (takeaway pizza), listening to sounds of Jive as we slave away on 3rd floor, dancing to Take That (Could it be Magic?) and hitting badgers with spoons.

H e r o of the fortnight is Otterly the rabbit. According to his

owner, Mr P. Hunt, our carrot munching friend uses the hallowed pages of gr as bedding material. At least we have some purpose...

CROSSWORD

WIN!

From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine Open ‘til 11, seven days a week.

Coffee bar with BYO license!

Own roasted coffee.

Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300

Bobby Robson

and we thought he was such a bright lad

What the hell happened to you? A: The magnificent Justin Timberlake B: Although it looks like Jade Goody in real life, it’s actually Beyonce Knowles C: Catherine Zeta Jones A bit of a quiz 1. Seamus Heaney 2. 1415 3. Mark Owen, Robbie Williams, Gary Barlow, Howard Donald, Jason Orange 4. Only Fools and Horses 5. Cardiff City

If I had all the money I’ve spent on booze, I’d spend it on booze...

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut...

Ernest Hemingway

They can’t change any of their players but they can change one of their players. And he’s the coach.

Crossword-up mo ‘fo. Complete the crossword, fill in your details and bring them up to us to win some pukka tukka which we can guarantee Jamie Oliver has never touched in his nasty little corporate-existence. Delicious.

Down: 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11 15 17 18 19 20 22 23 25 26 27 28 29 30

Tribe of which Geronimo was a famous chief (6) Main course (6) A trio (5) Provoke (5) Puzzling variations by Elgar (6) Floor, level (6) Bear or barley (3) A Nightmare On ___ Street, film (3) Mistake (5) Perish (3) Negative word (3) Examine thoroughly (3) Regret (3) Horse’s headgear (6) Small child (6) Rushing headlong (6) Vigour (6) Polite (5) Metal-bearing rock (3) Without more ___, straightaway (3) Sour citrus fruit (5)

NAME:__________________________ EMAIL:__________________________ JAMIE OLIVER; PUKKA GEEZER OR PUKKA OFF?:____________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Last for tnight’s answers:

Across: 3, Domino 7, Entire 8, Rum 10, Abed 13, Band 16, Yob 17, Ether 18, Satyre 21, Atoll 22, Rugby 23, Yeast 26, Arc 29, Brag 32, Neap 33, Tub Down: 1, Wombat 2, Mild 4, Forty 5, Demob 6, Stub 8, Trendy 9, Odour 10, Hag 11, Ray 12, Sly 14, Tea 15, Unroll 19, Starry 20, Altar 24, Cable 25, Gasp 27, Next 28, Cable 30, Gasp 31 , Next

10 • Competitions

gair rhydd 03 03 03

BIG WIN CIRCUS ++ COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING ++

The Winners Circle Check the lists below and if your name appears, you’ve won a prize! Hurray! That’ll take the edge off of war in Iraq.

Love on the edge T

he Vietnam War has finally reached our shores, albeit thirty years too late. Thesp-lord Cameron Mackintosh’s production of Boublil and Schönberg’s legendary musical Miss Saigon has finally come to the Bristol Hippodrome.

Set in 1975 during the final days leading up to the American evacuation of Vietnam, Miss Saigon is an epic love story about the relationship between an American GI and a young Vietnamese woman.

The Bristol Hippodrome is offering a student deal for Monday-Thursday evenings until May 8. Students can get upper circle seats for £10 instead of the usual £20.

Also, on Wednesday matinées students can get upper circle seats for only £7.50. These are subject to availability though, so ring 0870 3802003 to book early.

This being Big Win Circus, though, we’ve been kindly donated a rather excellent prize - and my, how magnificent it is! You and a mate can get your hands on a pair of top price tickets to Miss Saigon at the Bristol Hippodrome. We will even provide an evening meal and overnight accommodation at the five star Marriot Royal Hotel, Bristol: everything you need to create your very own exotic nightmarish ‘Nam experience. Hookers are not provided, although you can of course pick them up in the hotel lobby for the price of an imitation Rolex.

Ready for the draft? Then squat and give me fifty, ladies. And answer the question, obviously.

Cheap as Chips Who won David Dickinson’s DVD? Well, I’ll tell you.

Laura Boyles Come on up, you big lug.

All winners, come collect your prizes from the gair rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Union Building.

gairrhydd Drop your answers and pigeons into the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electronmail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps@ hotmail.com

Pass the dro-voisier, please

Win a Miss Saigon minibreak In what year is Miss Saigon set?

Tom Clancy: the game Y

od your head, as Will Smith would say, for Sean Paul’s second album, Dutty Rock, is amongst us. Already tipped as a landmark reggae album, Dutty Rock features (or rather, ‘feats’) contributions (‘big-ups’) from pioneers such as Black Shadow, Steely & Clevie and Jeremy Harding of Beenie Man and Bounty Killer fame.

The album includes the street anthems Gimme The Light and I’m Still In Love With You: sounds to drown out the sounds of fighting and crying that echo down my street every single night until I just want to dash my brains against the bannister.

To win a copy of this most beatsome shit, answer the question below.

ou could be forgiven for thinking that Tom Clancy makes rubbish books and even rubbisher films. Fortunately the great brains behind the PlayStation 2 have realised that a series of novels with the character depth of Crash Bandicoot would make an excellent computer game.

Based on the Tom Clancy blockbuster, The Sum Of All Fears is a running around, shooting people with guns, defusing nuclear warheads kind of game.

You take command of an elite counter-terrorist unit made up of AI team members in immersive real-world locations from the Middle East to Austria.

Execute Jack Ryan’s orders and tell those terrorist scum where to get off, Uncle Sam style.

To win a copy of The Sum Of All Fears for PlayStation 2, think your way out of this one.

Win Sean Paul’s Dutty Rock album

Win The Sum Of All Fears for PS2

What is the name of Sean Paul’s current single?

What is the name of Tom Clancy’s curmudgeonly hero?

N

A: B: C:

Gimme The Light Eat My Rock You And Me, Outside Right Now

A: B: C:

Ian Warface Jack Ryan Megatron

++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE TAT++

gair rhydd 03 03 03

Comment • 11

passing

COMMENT

LEMON CURRY?/HORSE PORN/WHY DOES HE BOTHER?/RELEASE THE BATS/I’M A FARMER/A WASTE OF TIME/CHOIR NEWS/OI AM A ZOIDER DRINKUR/SPECIAL SCHOOL/MC HAWKING By A Gent

Y

AY! ANOTHER issue to spend with you lot! You guys must be, like, my best friends in the world!

I love you guys. But seriously, like, drugs: why do them? Is it ‘cool’ to sit in a chair watching the room go round and round? Are you the ‘funk master’ just because everything is ‘freaking out’? Are you enjoying being like David Bowie on onions? Really? Are you sure? Just take a good look at yourselves, my friends, and try and think what’s really going on in your life. Perhaps you should think about the real high in life – the only real high: Jesus.

Yes, I suppose Jesus would come in handy right now. I seem to be afflicted with a nasty pain in my right shin, which is unfortunate considering the distance I have to walk each day. Still, the divine beacon of our Editor, Great Sage, Equal of Heaven, shines upon me and helps me type. May we always bask in the blaze of her glory! Oh, what radiance pushes us ever onwards! Even as I sit here, bound with chains of love to my desk, the light of her eternal glory fills the office with an air of dutiful toil. And if this is captivity, then how much more sweet than the so-called ‘freedom’ of the outside world! What endless joy it is to right for gair rhydd!

Okay, so I know you’re all dying to know the answer to last issue’s competition. The Biblical quotation was from verse one, chapter fourteen of the book of Job (although the actual wording was from The Book of Common Prayer).

No-one entered, so nobody wins the prize, which was £500 of travel vouchers, a copy of The Devils on DVD, a poached salmon and eight ’Boom (remember, kids: it’s not a party without eight ’Boom). If just one person had entered those prizes would have been put to good use, but instead they’ve all gone on the fire. I hope you’re happy with yourselves, you ungrateful rabble! In future, the giveaways on this page will be nothing but mean and paltry prizes, each enclosing a moral message. Keep reading Big Win Circus, you free-loading whores!

Sadly, the man who decapitated a marble statue of Margaret Thatcher has been sentenced to jail for three months. It might have been interesting to see the reaction of the judge and jury had the trial taken place in South Wales, Northern Ireland, Scotland, or any of the other places where her government destroyed communities or crushed the people’s will.

His jail sentence is a disgrace. If knocking the head off a valuable, but no doubt reviled and unwanted statue in the

name of political protest is unacceptable, then what forms of expressing dissent can we resort to? Let’s not forget that certain bigoted parties (the Daily Mail included) branded Nelson Mandela a terrorist because of damages to property, conveniently glossing over the violence against people that non-white people in South Africa had to suffer every day.

Obviously, I’m not saying that defacing a statue of Maggie is like resisting apartheid, but when property, even mere objects, can get elevated to such an extent, then you’ve got to start worrying.

Yes, that’s right: start worrying. For years, doctors and physicians have been warning against the effects of worrying.

Speaking as someone who pays no attention to these so-called

Dustbin of History JOHN ‘BURNASS’ HOPKINS (1912-1964)

bottle of hooch”. At about this time he was included in some field recordings. His two songs, Pig-Gutter Stomp and I’m Gonna Hog-Tie That Woman are classic examples of early country blues, the former featuring slide guitar, whilst the latter features a OF ALL the low-down dirty dawgs of the country finger-picking approach. In between the recordings blues scene of the thirties, John Hopkins was the he killed and dressed seven chickens and shod a lowest, dirtiest dawg of horse. Another recording, them all. It is now the time made the next year, was to hear his tale, as the blues released on a race records enjoys a revival on the back label. of contemporary blues-rock From then on, Hopkins successes. seems to have slipped off Hopkins was born poor, the face of the earth, into a sharecropping family, despite the popularity of who lived in a shack on the his records amongst outskirts of Chicago. We younger musicians. When know very little about his he re-surfaced in the early life, as Hopkins’ fifties, Hopkins revealed penchant for both alcohol that he had spent the and exaggeration meant that intermediate years his recollection was travelling around, honing unreliable to say the least. his skills and “savin’ the Thanks to some diligent world from the devil”. musicologists, we can reveal The devil? “Bastard that Hopkins didn’t get no burned ma ass.” In a later schoolin’, and only learnt to interview, Bob Dylan said read from the sacks of that Hopkins had molasses and corn that he HOPKINS: strums away whilst cooling his red- confessed to having been regularly has to shift during hot ringpiece in a trough of water on a bender for this his teens. In his youth, period. His scorched Hopkins would have been behind was the result of an accident at a chilli cookexposed to a wide variety of musical styles, from off, and as many budding bluesmen would find out, prototype gospel in churches, to ragtime, folk and ‘honing’ his talent made it sound much the same as the first flourishes of jazz. However, no record of before. Hopkins released several more records before him as a musician exists before 1934, when an his death, most of them collaborations with other account book for a juke joint list him as “guitar-man players shown up by proficient youngsters. and songster”. They paid him sixty cents and “a

Coming Soon!

Horoscopes

That’s right! The ridiculous belief in the

power of the stars comes to gair rhydd!Your every movement determined by blind Fate!

‘professionals’ and their incessant whining, I can tell you that these deadbeats know nothing.

There’s nowt better than carrying the weight of an uncaring world upon your shoulders.

This, and only this, is what made Britain the great nation it once was.

When one’s whole life revolves around a continuous fug of doom and frustration, the intellect is so concentrated as to be at the height of its powers.

What’s more, the ever-present threat of

coronary failure is a reminder that time is short, and that action must be fast. You can trust me on this, readers. Reject the oppressive conspiracies of these whitecoated quacks and hawkers!

Another group of people whose opinions are held in regard, despite their unmistakable idiocy, is that contemptuous rabble of chefs, whose mewling drivel still continues to shape the public will. I don’t want to be told that I should spend my hard-earned wages on jumped-up versions of the food that I already buy, and I’m sure few others do, either. Yet more white-coated idiots, hell-bent on either telling the public what it already knows, or else trying to confuse it and undermine its tastes. At the moment our once great nation is chef-ridden, the aspirations of its citizens crushed beneath the self-obsessive temptations of designer cookery. But whether the unstoppable march of the chefs is a symptom or a cause is a question not easily answered.

But away with questions – what we need is action. Demand an immediate cull on all chefs.

That’s all for now. More ‘non-serious journalism’ next time. And remember, kids, we’ve got a lift.

STUDENT VOLUNTEERING CARDIFF AN EXCITING OPPORTUNITY WORKING IN THE STUDENT VOLUNTEERING OFFICE University Union Park Place Cardiff

You will be the

PROJECT WORKER (LEARNING DISABILITY) Salary Point 11- £12, 296 (pro rata) The post is a full time, fixed term position starting 1st September 2003 ending 30th April 2004

You will be working in an enthusiastic, busy office. Your responsibilities will include co-ordinating the Home and Away project, recruiting and training volunteers and supporting volunteers and project co-ordinators; meeting the families of children and young people with a learning difficulty and liaising with social work teams. You will be part of a friendly, caring team committed to providing volunteering opportunities and also gain valuable experience to further you future career.

Further information and application pack may be obtained from the Student Volunteering Office, 3rdDarea@cardiff.ac.uk THE CLOSING DATE FOR THE POST IS MONDAY 31st MARCH 2003, 1PM INTERVIEWS WILl BE HELD TUESDAY 8th APRIL 2003

12 • Letters Special

gair rhydd 03 03 03

War on Iraq: Letters Special Nobody talks about Eastenders anymore, now the words cascading from the lips of almost everyone in the UK are almost exclusively concerned with the impending war on Iraq. But what’s your stance? For... against... Or is that fence chafing a soon to be infected gash in your rectum? Here are two chaps who definitely wouldn’t buy each other a pint in the boozer...

Goodbye to Socialism

Stand Up, Rhodri

Dear gair rhydd,

Dear gair rhydd,

As much as I enjoy the student lifestyle, something has been really pissing me off lately. The anti-war/anti-American/antiBush/Blair stance taken by some students, most notably those of the Student Socialist Union. It seems I can’t go anywhere without seeing these bloody anti-war posters and being accosted by some wannabe Stalinist Fuckwit telling me that this war is nothing more than the evil imperialist policies of the corrupt and decadent western powers. What's more they seem horrified by the fact that I’m actually for the war, apparently I’m the only student who is and all the others are doing everything in their power to prevent said war. Thus I would like, if you will permit me, to take this opportunity to enlighten these ignorant people. This of course doesn’t include the staff at GR who always give a wonderfully non biased and objective view on this. Honest.

1. This war is not solely about oil. The US can, and indeed does go without Iraqi oil. That said, what's wrong with the aim of having a democratic, capitalist, friendly pro-Western stable government in charge of 10% of the worlds Oil? Now if Iraq was for instance, holder of 10% of the worlds potato supply your argument about non-intervention would have credence, but as its oil, oil the west does need, it doesn’t.

2. Saddam is an evil son of a bitch; his regime has invaded two nations and used chemical weapons on troops and civilians including women and children solely because of their ethnic and religious background. That’s genocide and genocide cannot be allowed to go unpunished. We haven’t had the chance to do it before so we’ll do it now.

3. He has constantly refused to cooperate with UN inspectors and as of the 28.01.03 the Chief UN Inspector, Dr Blix, condemned Iraq for being in material breach of UN resolution 1441. We have all the pretext for war, the peace and diplomacy has failed.

So I ask you, why can’t we go to war? No blood for oil I hear you cry! But what about blood for freedom? Freedom for the people of Iraq at last, surely that’s a worthy product of our war in Iraq? The people of Kuwait seemed to appreciate it after all. However we should consider exactly whose blood will be split; Saddam, his Government and the Republican Guard, they are by any measure the modern equivalent to Hitler, his Ministers and the SS. Inevitably Iraqi civilians and Allied troops will die. But this is the price we pay. We paid 60 million lives to defeat Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, are any of you going to tell me that victory of tyranny wasn’t worth it? Any budding David Irving’s out there?

So my Socialist Comrades I’m afraid you’ll just have to remove your heads from your arseholes and see the world for what it really is, Socialism has been resigned to the history books where it belongs, and we’re going to war to free a people from the grasp of a evil dictator who threatens world peace and security and who happens to have something we all need. Even if you aren’t grateful for that they will be, as the people of Kuwait, Afghanistan and Kosovo were.

I know some of you might be thinking, and at least that’s a start, that this is all very easy for me to say, I don’t have to go to Iraq and fight. Well you’re right, I don’t. But several close friends and a family members are, and I’m in the Reserves until I graduate whereupon I join for Commissioned service in HM Forces. All I can hope is that one day I too will get my chance to help liberate an oppressed people, I can think of nothing so honourable nor anything more noble in the service of humanity. If I died doing that then so be it, I’d rather die as a patriot who believes in something than live as a traitor who believes in nothing.

Members of the Socialist Student Union and your supporters, you disgust me.

Open Letter to Rhodri Morgan; I am writing to you on behalf of the many people in Wales who find themselves deeply opposed to our government’s servile and shameful compliance with US policy on Iraq. The large Welsh turn-out at last Saturday’s massive anti-war demonstration in London is further evidence, if any were needed, of the strength of feeling that exists. So far, to the best of my knowledge, you have not taken a public stand on this issue and must therefore be assumed to have fallen into line under pressure from your parliamentary colleagues. I hope very much that this is not the case since the crisis over Iraq is probably the greatest test of moral and political conscience that you or they will ever have to confront.

We are now entering a world-political situation with no parallel since the 1930s. The Bush regime was returned to power through a massive electoral fraud engineered by his brother (the Governor of Florida who fixed the vote in a key marginal) and connived at by the Republican-dominated Supreme Court. It was bankrolled by various militaryindustrial and oil-business interests with the result that its policies - domestic and foreign - are dictated by those same interests, backed up by an alliance of far-right political and religious zealots. Its planned invasion of Iraq is quite explicitly geared toward the aim of securing absolute worldwide US military, geo-strategic, and economic dominance.

There is a brilliant play by Bertolt Brecht called 'The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui' which depicts the emergence of Nazism and Hitler's coming-to-power through the story of a two-bit Chicago gangster who threatens, bullies, cajoles, manipulates, and murders his way to the top.

Bush may indeed be a dolt but he is a dolt surrounded by knaves and rogues who know exactly what they want and couldn't care less if hundreds of thousands have to die in the process of getting it.

They have treated the UN with a mixture of thinlyveiled contempt for its peace-keeping efforts and outright threats if it doesn't comply with US policy, i.e., the policy of war at all costs whatever the outcome of the arms inspections.

Meanwhile we have the truly shameful spectacle of Tony Blair, Jack Straw and company boasting about their 'special relationship' with this thoroughly odious regime and lining up to support its plan for subverting the UN's moral authority, vilifying any government that doesn't fall into step, and adding yet further to the huge toll of Iraqi deaths already brought about by war and sanctions. Blair seems to have convinced many people with his line that the best way of 'dealing with' Saddam is to keep up the pressure as long as possible, push through a 'tough' UN resolution, and thereby avert war through a steely-nerved effort of moral will. What he doesn't seem to have realised is that the Bush administration is bent upon war with Iraq come what may and that his (Blair's) role in all this is that of a useful idiot who can easily be dumped - and left to his own, surely desperate devices when the moment comes. As so often it is hard to tell whether Blair really believes what he says or whether it is all a piece of downright calculated hypocrisy.

He is like a man who follows up every sentence by saying ' . . .

“Socialism has been

resigned to the history books where it belongs, and we’re going to war to free a people from the grasp of a evil dictator who threatens world peace and security

”

Mark Year 1 History

and I mean that really sincerely', so that you soon learn to treat everything he says as a pious sham. With Bush, he is like a new boy at school who gets very excited when they let him join the big boys' gang and beat up all the other new kids. However, sadly, he doesn't understand that this makes him an object of contempt to everyone else in the playground, so that times are likely to be tough when the big boys chuck him out. It is horrible to watch but you can't help feeling that stupidity is no excuse when so many lives are at stake.

The situation in Britain today is like that in Vichy France, or in Austria after the Anschluss. Collaborationist politicians have often had a similar knack for dressing up the shabbiest, most abject policies with a high-sounding rhetoric of 'principle', 'courage', 'resolve', and so forth. It is as if Neville Chamberlain had come back from his 1938 Munich meeting with Hitler waving his piece of paper and saying not ‘Peace in our time!’ but ‘We are now Herr Hitler’s staunchest allies and will proudly join him in invading Poland and annexing the Sudetenland’.

What is even more depressing is the fact that Blair has managed to persuade many hitherto (so far as one could tell) decent and morally-aware backbench Labour MPs to go along with this squalid sell-out. What he will do when the US decides to invade - whether alone, with British support only, or through a ragbag 'coalition' put together on the pretext of a forced UN resolution - is something that may be keeping him awake at nights. As concerns his direct moral responsibility for what comes of this present, catastrophic situation I don’t suppose he is losing quite so much sleep.

I would therefore ask you to consider your position as First Minister of the Welsh Assembly and as the government’s chief spokesman in this country should the planned invasion take place.

If you agree that any attack on Iraq is morally and politically indefensible then your only right course of action – it seems to me – is to resign the party whip and encourage as many as possible of your fellow Labour members to follow your lead. It might also help to concentrate some government minds if you made it clear now that this is your intention.

“What Blair doesn't

seem to have realised is that the Bush administration is bent upon war with Iraq and that his role in all this is that of a useful idiot who can easily be dumped when the moment comes

”

Prof. Christopher Norris Philosophy Section, Cardiff University

gair rhydd 03 03 03

Letters • 13

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight’s star letter wins errrr... ummmmm... a badger; Britain’s largest carnivore!

Dear gair rhydd, We applaud Mark Cobley on his excellent front-page piece (edition 735) and for a balance that is not present in the article within (p.16). It dismays us that as Britain faces war, some religious people seem more concerned with their 'private parts', and with the relationships of others, than with public politics and our relationship within the United Nations. But these are both related, linked by an underlying and frightening fundamentalist literalism in the reading of the Bible. The Christian Union (CU) students’ society is affiliated to the Universities and Colleges Christian Fellowship (UCCF). This Fellowship has a fundamentalist Doctrinal Statement, to which affiliated organisations must ascribe and which is reprinted on the CU society’s anagrammatically entitled website (www.CFCU.co.uk). The UCCF also require that speakers at the meetings of affiliated groups should personally subscribe to this Doctrinal Statement. Thankfully, the vast majority of Christians throughout the world are not literal fundamentalists. Nor is the socially aware Student Christian Movement (SCM), which the article on p.16 tells us CU replaced in Cardiff, but which continues to be active in other universities. Within the Christian tradition, there are many gay, lesbian and bisexual Christians, and organizations such as the Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement (www.lgcm.org.uk) and the Evangelical Fellowship for Lesbian and Gay Christians (www.eflgc.org.uk) work for an inclusive church. They have links with many other support groups and campaigning bodies within the churches such as Changing Attitude (www.changingattitude.org). We wish Caz Noyes and the SUC well in its moral deliberations over supporting any Students' Union society that would affiliate with a body that preaches - and justifies sexual discrimination and gender stereotyping on fundamentalist readings of the religious texts. However, it seems to us that the Christian Union must decide whether it is either affiliated to the Students Union and is therefore open to all students or is affiliated to the UCCF, sharing its discriminatory line.

The two are incompatible.

The Rev’d Alison Davis The Rev’d Paul Overend The Rev’d John Owen The Rev’d Gareth Powell (Chaplains of Cardiff Higher Education Chaplaincy)

C.U. In Hell?

Dear gair rhydd, I would just like to say a few words on the matter of the Christian Union, having read the front page of your paper. I am not a Christian, nor am I a homosexual. But I am totally disgusted.

I mistakenly believed that we lived in a society which promoted free speech and allowed places for free speech to be heard. Apparently, this is not true. Why the Christian Union should be booted out of Cardiff Union for stating its beliefs staggers me. Whilst I feel that their views on homosexuality in this day and age are both naive and outdated, they are totally entitled to talk about their views and beliefs. Surely if the Christian Union has been running for 80 years, as we are told in Features (p. 16), then this argument must have come up before. I can't believe that, in the whole of those 80 years, not once did the Christian Union have this very talk in the Cardiff Union's buildings.

They weren’t kicked out then, so why should they be kicked out now? If the Union body does not like what the Christian Union are saying, they should not have let them use the buildings in the first place, as they must have realised that this view would be discussed and possibly raise some issues. The Gay and Lesbian society feel that they require to let all and sundry know about their beliefs and wants and feel that they can do so without repercussions and then promptly jump on their high horse when there are, so why can't the Christian Union? It sounds a wee bit hypocritical. To be honest, if neither side can agree to be civil towards each

other, then they both need their heads banging together. The Christian Union has to realise that in this day and age you can be both gay and a Christian. It is extremeley hard to live your life in this day to a book that tells you you must stone adulterers to death...and I can imagine that might upset a few people here too. And yet the gay and lesbian groups, as well as the feminist groups, have to realise that the Christian Union are only following the writings of what is seen throughout the world as a Holy book. Both parties should grow up. There are more important issues in the world. If neither parties can live together in peace and not antagognise each other then all of us might as well pack up our bags and go home.

A truly fed up first year!

Lettersdesk says: Well said my son!

You can’t beat the good old ‘agree to disagree’ compromise. Still... I feel a letters special coming on.

I’m Not Racist But...

is dispicable (sic) behaviour for a gang of African (sic) youths to come up to me and demand money for safe passage past them. I have heard of a few incidents of this type in Cardiff from friends of mine and the perpitrators have always been of black skin. As I said earlier I am not a racist but I feel very sad that a select group of black people feel that it is their job to live up to the racial stereotype that is given to them by the media. Why not try to prove the media wrong and just walk by rather than asking for a 'tax' to walk past you? Next time you may not come across such a giving person and you may come across the beating you deserve, and which you would, no doubt, blame on a racist attack. There is no wonder blacks have such a bad name in this country if the people that I came across tonight are representing their group!

Yours, Shaken 2nd year Lettersdesk says: Every ethnic group has it’s morons buddy, you’re living proof.

A Spiky Issue Dear gair rhydd, I'm writing to warn people about having their drinks spiked as I believe this happened to me on Friday the 2nd of February in the Taf. After having three (large-ish) drinks at home, my friends and I headed for the Taf at about 10pm. I was quite tipsy at this point, but in a nice way. I could think quite clearly and was in control of what I was doing. At the Taf I bought one drink. In 20 minutes I drank about half of it, during which time I moved around easily and had lively and coherent conversations with several people. I then went to the toilet.

The next thing I remember is being in a cubicle on the floor and being unable to lift my head or string two words together. I was in the toilet (with a friend) for 2 and a half hours in this state before being removed by the bouncers. It is possible that the last drink tipped me over the edge but in the past I have drunk twice that amount and been fine. I've been drinking for a number of years and do know when to stop. Also given how quickly and drastically my condition deteriorated, it does seem most likely that my drink was spiked, especially as something similar happened to the friend of a friend in the Union who had drunk even less than me. Luckily I came to no harm; I just missed out on what could have been a good night. However, of all the places in Cardiff I would consider myself to be safe, the Union is high on the list. Sadly it seems that this is not the case. I feel very lucky to have had a good friend who stayed with me and took me home. I dread to think what could have happened had she not been there. So please, if you're going on a night out anywhere, watch your drinks and look after your friends.

Dear gair rhydd, As usual I'm writing to you when I'm drunk but I feel I have a point to be made. I had a great night tonight out with my friends in Jumping Jacks.

My night however was ruined on my solo walk back to my house by what can only be described as a ‘gang' of black people. I have nothing against Africans (sic) as a race and I can't be described as a racist, but I think that it

3rd year girl Lettersdesk says: Thanks for writing on this sensitive issue. The Union will always take claims of this nature very seriously. It’s also good to make people aware that they should be careful with their drinks, wherever they are. We need to keep the Union safe, so if you think this has happened to you, then make

sure you let those in charge know.

Nobody here would ever want anyone to be in danger from these kind of happenings.

Arch NME Dear gair rhydd, I need to air my opinions about what could have been the fantastic NME concert (8th Feb). What an organisational shambles that turned out to be. Why is there the requirement to have more security than bar staff? 35 minutes to get served at the ‘Great’ Hall world-class beverage serving facility…amazing!!! There is no need to worry about drunken behaviour because you are completely sober before you get served. Secondly, although the concert was sold out days before the show, were there an unexpected number of people there or is the cloakroom equally badly organised? How can it be full…amazing? And while I’m in a whinging mood… why is the weather in Cardiff so shit? Not only did my jumper and hat get stolen at the concert (cloakroom full you see!!), but also it was pissing down afterwards. Get your act together please (you’re forgiven with the weather)!

Mark Thomas ENGIN

Hates Gates Dear gair rhydd, I totally agree with 'Bazz' who wrote in last fortnight about the high quality of writing in this paper. One glaring and painful exception to this that I have been just itching to rant about, and will now scratch particularly vigorously now that I've been inspired off my lazy butt to do so, is D.C Gates. The 'Passing Comments' page is, frankly, a waste of space, and should either be scrapped entirely or given over to someone who can write something worth reading. A little bird told me that he apparently doesn't give a shit about the page anyway and has to be practically forced to finish the page in time for the deadline. Well, here's some advice Gatesy - DON'T BOTHER! There must be people out there who are more serious about getting into journalism for whom the responsibility of a whole page would be a useful addition to their C.V. and portfolio; but instead we have to put up with some twat's little egofest every fortnight. He ironically tells us how shit and pointless he really is every fortnight, but he's obviously too stubborn to reflect on this truth and fuck off for the good of humankind, and none of us lot are motivated enough to get off our own apathetic arses and prove we can do better. Ok, so the obvious corollary of this rant is that I volunteer, but frankly I haven't got the time, energy, talent or motivation to do the gair rhydd justice. I've been meaning to contribute to the intellectual forum that is the Letters page since about 18 months ago, and look! I've only just got round to it. Hoorah! So I call on anyone else who thinks they can give us a little more intellectual stimulation than praise for the existence of pies to get up those treacherous stairs (one of the other reasons I ain't doing it) to the gair rhydd office and kick some ass! Lotsa love, kisses and inspirational fish,

HAVE TEXT WITH gair rhydd 07791165837 Put your hand in your pocket and grab your device! Text us, we’ll print practically anything!

And don’t forget to include your name wiseguy.

“dont 4get valentines day is also st.conrads day.is this txt 2late? damn. ah well, makes me feel better. cath” “No double deckers back to uni hall on fri and sat, and no minibuses after 1pm and yet solus is now open until 2pm! So much for student safety+ student services” "Can your knob shrink permanently if you see your bird emptying her arse?please god no.

From peewee. P.s always knock" “Complaint bout pic of Geoff Hobbs in GR report on Varsity Match. The photo stretched his face - he is actually lush. From 1 of his medic rugby girls! X” “WHY DO ALL SOUTHERN FAIRIES BELIEVE THAT EVERY GEORDIE HAS STARRED IN BYKER GROVE OR PERSONALLY KNOWS ANT AND DEC? AND DON’T ASK US 2 SAY WHY AYE MAN, NOT FUNNY” “Cps will rip u off dont go wit them. If u have a problem they will take ages 2 c 2 it and r very rude” “Has anyone noticed that Cat Deely’s nose is actually really crooked? love minch x” “Am cheesed off with CY homophobic twats. By the way isn’t it about time you found something better to say about wed at club x.

Cheers” “Strapping cornish maid, i love a good pasty but you must agree that inbreeding is wrong. to be honest tho, you’re not as bad as them zummerzet types. sick” “Why in the name of satans right Bollock do the male bogs in solus always flood? Ive never seen anyone piss on the floor. Maybe its musk rats? They should pay” “Pls say hi to my darlin porcpie!he writes for gr sometimes but i cant say who he is!love baby x ps how about a free pie with the next issue?”

Jeni Oborn Yr 2 Philosophy/Cult.Crit.

Please e-mail your letters in to us at GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

14•

gair rhydd 03 03 03

14•

gair rhydd 03 03 03

et Th erelistings in full Cardiff’s

GRiP

02 Welcome to Get There! It’s the page that threatens to dissolve into nonsensical ramblings and very nearly does so every single issue. What about that for consistency! I hope you are all well and that you are continuing to rejoice in the wonder that is Cardiff. You’ll miss it once it’s gone. Promise.

Spring sparkles into life 3. Killing spree

Don’t break down, break free!

The Kills + guests @ Barfly, Friday 14th March, £6

I

f you don’t quite make the NME, don’t despair, you can always start a new band and try again.

Kings Of Convenience did it, so did Echoboy and now we have The Kills. Formed from the ashes of Scarfo and US punk-poppers Discount, The Kills come across as a less eccentric Royal Trux.

Admittedly their debut EP sounds no more groundbreaking or fresh than The Hives, but that didn’t stop Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and a whole host of others. Beneath the bluesy drones, there’s sure to be the best crop of feedback heard since The Raveonettes a few weeks back.

Amnesty International Fundraising Event: Break Free feat. Plump DJs and High Contrast @ Solus, Thursday 6th March

A

one off event and the most exciting dance line-up to hit the Union in months.

Plump DJs are London’s number one breakbeat fanatics.

Regularly seen at London’s Fabric and occasionally at the Bugged Out nights in Emporium. Their mix CDs boast a pulsating eclecticism that is sure to transform Solus.

In the main room hosted by One Mission,

they’re joined by Rennie Pilgrim, rave veteran extraordinaire who’ll be sure to drop some hardcore classics. The more I’ve researched this guy the more exciting he’s become. On both sides of the Atlantic he seems to have achieved everything.

We really are very lucky to have him here tonight.

Next door, local drum’n’bass darling High Contrast will continue to bring his ambitious variety of beats to the masses.

He’ll be joined by the regulars from the Descent crew with whom the more astute of you should already be familiar. Finally in a third room, Joe Ranson heads the bill.

The whole occasion is in honour of Amnesty International so once again the good people at One Mission warrant your attention.

Tickets £5 www.cardiffstudents.com

2. The Vagina Monologues @ Great Hall, Sunday 9th and Monday 10th March

P

art of over 1000 worlwide V-day projects, Eve Ensler’s global phenomenon finally arrives in Cardiff.

Newly written monologues and songs make this a unique initiative, and will feature a cast of diverse women. This independent production from Cardiff students will also exclusively feature the first ever male monologue to be performed and promises to leave audiences challenged and chuckling.

15 characters tell stories by turns hilarious and harrowing, in an attempt to give voice to their bodies. Not sure about this essentialising of “what it means to be female” but this production should certainly benefit from the lack of distraction of passing two-bit

Staff list

GRiP editors: Robin Jackson & Nick McDonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) Get there: Neil Krajewski (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) Arts: LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C. Gates (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Blain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth & Steve Hurst (gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com) Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)

Tickets £6 Tel 02920 396589 www.barflyclub.com

4. Going Live Xpress Radio Launch @ Lashtastic, Solus, Friday 7th March

Y

es! It’s come round already.

After months of preparation, the Xpress crew are ready to go on air. This year they promise more excitement than ever. For the next month, Cardiff will have its own station, complete with student soap, news bulletin and its very own line-up of superstar DJs. The launch offers one of the few reasons to break with tradition and go to Lash if you’re not a first year.

There’ll be lights, there may be fireworks and hopefully as few technical hitches as possible,

notwithstanding the recent loss of a couple of laptops.

Best wishes to Xpress who are sure to continue their mercurial raiding of every single media award in living memory.

It’s never too late to get involved either, so keep an eye out for promotions around the Union building and pop up to the top floor of the Union to be part of it. You’ll not regret it.

Tickets £3 www.xpressradio.co.uk

5. Jolly Green Gilles returns

so called ‘celebrities’.

When I heard Eamonn Holmes interview Ensler on radio, his inability to actually say “vagina” on air made the monolgues seem all the more vital.

Doors for this charity event open at 7:30, with the show starting at 8. Tickets are available from the Union box office and the address below.

All proceeds benefit several anti-rape and anti-domestic violence organisations.For more information, please see the listing on page 4 and the Arts feature.

Tickets £4 NUS, £6 waged. cardiffvm@hotmail.com

Furthermore, singer VW pretends she’s French and boasts a musical pedigree that includes responsibility for an album of Billy Bragg covers.

How’s that for prowess? Inevitably they’ve met Jack White and their future looks bright. It’ll be lively, messy and stylishly frayed, so well worth a wander in the direction of Barfly. Ah, Barfly, where those climbing the slippery slope of fame meet those hurtling rapidly downwards.

Gilles Peterson @ Clwb Ifor Bach, Friday 14th March

C

onsistently the best thing about late night radio, Gilles has been guiding Britain’s rural farmers and lorry drivers into the early hours of the morning for years. Such a reputation doesn’t come cheap though.

Unlike some, Gilles doesn’t visit these parts particularly often. Those who decide to go can expect the most glorious blend of chilled reggae, funk and hip-hop this side of the River Severn or perhaps even the Atlantic.

Be sure to get the chance to board this musical adventure.

You’re bound to hear many a tune from obscure Brazilian samba to sample drenched Nordic chill-out.

Peterson really knows how to build up a set. One of the all too few opportunities Cardiff offers to actually dance. Certain to be packed, so why not splash out on a ticket for yourself and a friend now?

Tickets £11 www.clwb.net

In this issue of GRiP...

05: Books 08:Games/ Web

Recall the adventures of a femme fatale

06: Film Indulge in the awful pleasures of Steve O and the Jackass mentalists

Interview Turin Brakes and listen to the new

10: Arts

Explore their feminine side whilst dabbling in anarchy.

12: Music

Swoon at the beauties on the NME tour and stroll round the record shops in Cardiff

21: TV

A scrounge through the best and the worst TV for something to tune into

03

GRiP Popstars: The Rivals tour @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm Or not, as this extravaganza of awfulness appears to have been cancelled owing to lack of ticket sales. Praise the lord!

Union nights and special events.

Mondays

Saturday 08/03

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free before 11, £1 after Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution.

Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend’, it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, making Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue. Particularly essential, of course, on March 17, when the Kerrang Tour 2003 sweeps in to provide you with fun and mayhem in true metal style.

DJ sets will come courtesy of Ace, ex of Skunk Anansie, and Kerrang! editor Ashley, while live music will be provided by emo rocker types This Girl.

Rocketgoldstar + guests @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £tbc Stars of FFvinyl unveil a new selection of thoroughly warped pop music. Like Queen if they lived in rented accommodation.

Monsters Of Rock Tribute featuring Bootleg Zep (Led Zeppelin) & Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (Black Sabbath) + local support + classic rock DJs @ MS1 Club 8pm, £10 adv, £12 door Simply mega. (Does anyone still use that word or have I captured the 70s/80s feel perfectly?)

Corrigan + Strawberry Blondes + Fatwax @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Spare Rib @ Toucan Club £6 Original funk direct from Leeds.

Tuesdays

Live Music Monday 03/03 Oblivion + The Preferred Method Of Movement @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4

Tuesday 04/03

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00 Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night. Look out for future performances from similarly kitsch entertainment, in the same vein as the recent Cheeky Girls.

Descent @ Seren Las 9pm, £3/4/5 For all who want that little something different. Go early, as, doors are at 9pm. Said before, but will say it again, Descent is always a good night out and definitely worth trying. Especially as it plans to take you to the harder side of trance on March 12, with a veritable value pack of five superstar DJs: M-Zone and Vortex will headline, and are ably supported by Nick The Kid, Beanie and MC Insanity. Go on.

Get there!

Wednesday 05/03 Richard Hawley @ Bristol Fleece and Firkin 7.30pm, £8 Former Pulp guitarist who’s really rather good in a sensitive, mellifluous singer-songwriter type style. Since there’s nothing going on in Cardiff, England calls loud and clear. Maybe Steve Lamacq will be begging on the door. Will you pay his admission for him?

Lear + Ayra @ MS1 Club 8pm, £4, £15 (with free food and drink) One of MS1 Club’s Drunk As A Skunk nights where they put on free food and drink for the greedy amongst you. Sadly it seems that Lear are playing just about every other week until Christmas. Ayra, on the other hand, used to be part of Esther. In case anyone had forgotten, they were terrible.

Thursday 06/03 Figure Of 8 + Disraeli Gears @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £3 More local bands at Clwb. The future starts here. Perhaps.

Biffy Clyro @ Newport TJs 7.30pm, £tbc Indie rock also-rans just keep on plodding along.

Saturdays Normally: Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3 One of the UK’s top student nights arrives at our very own Union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double vodka and Redbull at a mere £2.

Sunday Taf Quiz Usual format. Even the BBC’s autumn TV schedule doesn’t beat this! And Sunday nights do tend to really drag on. Don’t be forced to watch Heartbeat. Go out , do the quiz and have a drink.

Friday 07/03

Athlete + Longview + Repairman@ Barfly 7.30pm, £7 Longview’s lives will never be the same. Months of constant touring has probably left them feeling drained, but still Get There can’t find a good word for them. Your life will be no different after watching them.

Athlete, on the other hand, raise a smile and make you wish you really were watching the Stone Roses or The Beta Band.

Dynamite MC @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 Featuring full live band for the first time in Cardiff.

Skindred, Husk and Kennedy Soundtrack @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay 8pm, £8door, £7adv Nu-metal for the kids. Expect new material to be premièred by Newport’s favourite school leavers.

Dirty Vegas @ Bristol Academy 7pm, £8 Terminally bland dance gubbins masquerading under the label of ‘laid-back’.

Limehouse Lizzy + Stormcrow @ Point 8pm, £7 Hmm. Am literally lost for words at this point.

Sunday 09/03 Farse + Schism@ Barfly 3pm, £5 The ‘most happening ska-punk band in the West Midlands’ catch the coach down to Cardiff. They’ll be home in time for supper too.

Aim @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £8 Rather excellent chilled trip-hop nights choose a laid back Sunday slot to bring their live show to Cardiff.

Monday 10/03

No, there’s really nothing happening. I tried, I really did.

Tuesday 11/03

Ooberman + guests @ Barfly 7.30pm, £7 Yes, they really are still going after all these years. Best forgotten heroes of indie-schmindie.

Stiff Little Fingers @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay 8pm, £15adv, £18(door) They’ll have to have a lock in to merit an admission price that steep.

Liberty X @ Cardiff International Arena Don’t come begging us for free tickets. (That’ll be because we’re hoarding them for ourselves to see the greatest British pop group around. Even though one of them looks like a mule - Ed.)

Wednesday 12/03

Buffseeds + Debauchee + The Next Nine Years @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Falsetto-tinged choirboys light up Barfly. You really should check them out. See album of the fortnight in Music.

Roostar @ MS1 Club £4adv, £15(with free food and drink) The latest installment of Drunk As A Skunk.

Johnny B & Keltech + The Green Giants @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Hip-hop at Barfly.

Lear @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £3 A Dreamhouse production, apparently.

ISIS @ MS1 Club 8pm, £8 Lighthouse Family @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm Rearranged date. Why weren’t we this lucky when At The Drive-In cancelled two years ago?

Friday 14/03 The Kills + guests @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 See left.

Gilles Peterson@ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £11 See left.

Saturday 15/03

Cardiff Cougars Scooter Club Party @ MS1 Club 8pm, £4 Great!

Stag + Appaloosa @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 The Mountaineers @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £tbc Nik Turner’s Cubano Kickasso @ Toucan Club £6 The saxophonist from Hawkwind.

Guaranteed to get those feet tapping.

Donny Osmond @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm Yes, it just gets worse. Now you see why we forget the CIA most weeks.

Sunday 16/03 Thinktank + support @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £5

Coming Up Sunday 23rd March David Holmes presents The Free Association £8 Marvellous chance to see Holmes in full band mode.

Saturday 12th April The Coral + The Basement @ Great Hall £9.50 Overrated yet nevertheless sold out.

Tuesday 8th May The Wildhearts + Amen £12.50 Just in case you missed Amen at Newport TJs. Monday 12th May Mogwai @ Solus £10 Need I say more? What a wonderful way to start the examination season!

Films on release in Cardiff...

The Hours Starring: Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore Much nominated drama, charting a crucial day in the lives of three women living at different stages of history.

Jackass: The Movie Starring: Johnny Knoxville and friends

Spider Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Miranda Richardson

Far From Heaven Starring: Julianne Moore, Dennis Quaid

The Kid Stays In the Picture Starring: Robert Evans

This feature length Jackass extravaganza pulls out all the stops with completely hilarious and ridiculous stunts. You will not be disappointed.

A schizophrenic (Fiennes) released early from a mental institution attempts to put his life together agian and to understand his past.

A 1950s housewife faces a marital crisis and mounting racial tensions in the outside world. Beautifully directed with fantastic performances.

Documentary following the life of legendary Hollywood actorturned-producer Robert Evans (responsible for The Godfather).

Superbly interesting stuff.

Get There

Martini Henry Rifles + The Black Madonnas + The Roger Sisters + guests @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Another Sonic Mook Experiment extravaganza comes to Barfly. By the now you should all know about the headliners, Cardiff’s answer to ...Trail Of Dead. Expect similar histrionics from the other bands on the bill and a series of great tunes from Sean McLusky on the decks.

A great night out!

Lemon Jelly + guests @ Bristol Academy 7pm, £13.50 THE dance act of the moment thanks to excessive airplay and some rather snazzy art work around the streets of London.

Promoting their fabulously chilled, Lost Horizons LP this should be well worth the trip. Something a little different, but extremely enjoyable. Watch the tickets fly out, and try and grab one.

Fridays

Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00.

If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive.

Playing all the greatest hits from the 60s, 70s and 80s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle.

Thursday 13/03

Cardiff’s listings in full

Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Fancy a night off from loud bands and clubs? Try out this weekly night of much hilarity and wine.

Your guest comedians on March 4 will be Markus Birdman - who has received plaudits from a host of people from the Observer to Jack Dee - and Nick Doody, while Martin Bigpig - who, incidentally, is the owner of the best beard since W ill Oldham - drops by the following week on March 11.

Wednesdays

Nicklecreek @ Bristol Fleece and Firkin 7.30pm, £11

04

et TCardiff’s herelistings in full

GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’bass DJs are promised in ultra student surroundings.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Creation.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm.

Gay venue. Chart and dance.

Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun.

All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Hotel Yorba @ Barfly 10.30- 2am, £2. DJs from Emerge night in Clwb on Saturday. Music policy dubbed “indie/alternative”, and has been said to have a jolly nice atmosphere. Go after the bands have finished to dance the night away.

Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money.

Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in.

Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm - 2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am, £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of Vodka.

Superstition @ Moloko 9pm -2am.

A night of Soul, Motown, 70s Disco and Nu Jazz. Sounds marvellous.

Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and dance. Who’d have thought it?

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm. I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJs.

Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm.

Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place, though. It’s a shame that there’s no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay venue. Student night. Certainly worth a look.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am, £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied, so I recommend a boycott!

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

80s Night @ Barfly Barfly parades its late license and introducing a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. She’ll die soon.

Have you made plans for the funeral?

Student Night @ Royworld The same as most other student nights I suspect, but with a shorter walk home than Clwb. Free to get in too.

Drunk as a Skunk @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay £15 3 bands, rock DJs and as much as you can drink and eat for one all inclusive price. It’s a long walk back from the Bay mind you!

Broken Beach, Light House @ Moloko Breakbeat and Deep House.

Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, Breaks and Drum’n’Bass.

The best Moloko night? You decide.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS. As if Brit-Pop needed reviving with Space on the prowl.

Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature. Excellent night.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am, £1 entry. Dance music.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4.

R’n’B and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings.

One Mission DJs @ Royworld The new place on City Road that everyone’s talking about. Tonight the One Mission crew offer Breaks and Drum’n’Bass. It’s all free too.

You can even go ten pin bowling as well.

Fridays Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7.

The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop. Featuring DJ Yoda (6th Dec).

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live bands and rock / alternative DJs. Cadence @ Bar Essential Free Entry. Deep House, Afro Latin and Nu Jazz. Sounds awesome, support it.

One Mission DJs @ Royworld Like Thursday but on Friday.

Heaven @ Evolution

Commercial dance and House out on the bay.

ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS. Hard House night featuring regular guest DJS. Cool House @ Emporium £8.

Excellent night that periodically returns to the city. Featured Radio 1’s Yousef in November if that gives you any idea.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Great new night at Clwb on the ground floor. Fun and frolics with a sound track of psychedelia and garage.

Funk 2 Funk @ Oz Bar Breaking away from its roots in stoner metal, Oz Bar launches a night of funked up tunes courtesy of the people at Plastic Raygun records, Cardiff’s biggest and best dance label.

Forward Motion @ Moloko Drinks promotions all night in the company of Upbeat funk and party breaks.

Twisted By Design@Dempseys For March only, check this great little alternative night out on a Friday.

Saturdays Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

Funked Out @ Royworld If you don’t have a name for your night, I’ll invent one for you free of charge. So, there you have it funky breaks and hip-hop courtesy of Jimmy Love from Clwb. Free. Do I sound poor to anyone?

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Play @ Moloko Happy party music!

Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS. Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike. Moving away slightly from its electroclash routes, and having added more indie and more hip-hop; seasoned as required.

L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US Garage featuring guest DJs. Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Sweet’n’Spicy @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3.

Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, Smart dress.

If the price, the dress code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house.

Cadence @ Bar Essential Free, see Friday. Say ‘cadence’ enough times and it sounds like ‘can dance’ as their publicity people handily point out.

Sundays Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of guest DJs. Chilled American House @ Royworld Free, as usual.

Chris Evans leads the proceedings.

Taxi @ Moloko The night that’s set to revitalise Moloko’s fortune with resident DJs from Higher Learning and Carnival to offer music from arong the world.

Last hour features Soca music only; the rest of the night mixes latin, hiphop, Bollywood and Bhangra, to

mention just a few genres! Check it out and let us know what you really reckon.

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps you’re a DJ spinning the decks or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Similarly if there’s event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know and we’ll replace it with something equally exciting.

Sport Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk) vs Notts County Saturday 8th March, 3pm More local sporting action. Aside from London, is Cardiff the UK’s top sports city? We could do with a better swimming pool though!

Cardiff Rugby (www.cardiffrfc.com) No Fixtures They’re a bit busy at the moment thanks to the head office types and the Six Nations. Ahhh!

Societies Special Events Play for Peace: ‘Lysystrata’ by Greek playwright Aristophanes will be performed at O’Neill’s on Trinity Street as part of an international anti-war intiative.

Free to watch and starts at 8.00pm.

Amnesty International and One Mission Thursday March 6th: Break Free - Solus (only £5!)

A storming club night with all proceeds going to Amnesty International (and all artists playing for free). Break Free showcases some of the finest DJs that the UK has to offer. With London favourites the Plump DJs kicking out the jams along with Cardiff’s very own High Contrast as well as many more artists, including Rennie Pilgrem, you’re guaranteed a long night of funk and grooviness.

Tickets are on sale from the ticket booth in the Union and with all the great talent on display and low entry price, we strongly advise you to book your tickets now.

Act One - An Awful State Of Affairs is a farcical comedy with a generous dash of politics and a smack of insanity. Think completely hilarious consequences. Tickets are on sale at the Union Box Office and cost £4 for Act One members and £4.50 for non-members. The show is on at the Crwys Theatre on Richmond Road on the 4th, 5th, 7th and 8th of March. Doors open at 7.00pm.

Act One Ball The date has been confirmed as Wednesday March 19 and the Ball will be held in the Thistle Hotel (meeting in Henry’s at 7pm for cocktails). Tickets are on sale between 12pm and 2pm every dayoutside the Union Shop (and outside the TV Lounge on Fridays).

They cost £30 for members and £35 for non-members, so remember to bring your membership card when you buy your ticket. We’ll also need to know if you want the vegetarian or non-vegetarian meal. Plus you can buy tickets at our weekly committee meetings, these areat 7pm in the SDU on Sundays.

Amnesty International and RAG After the incredible success of last years RAG Hitchhike, we are doing it again this time raising funds for Human Rights Charity Amnesty International.

Do you think you could do it?

- £150 prize money - 2 free nights’ accommodation in Central

Amsterdam- Free t-shirt - Free return travel (coach/ferry)- Advice, information and backup (from people who have done it before!) £20 sign up fee (to confirm placelimited places!). Log on to our website www.amnestyhike.co.uk to find out more information.

Chaplaincy Society - Meets every Wednesday at 5.30pm in the Ecumenical Chaplaincy, 20-22 North Road.

Our weekly meetings offer a time for debate, discussion and reflection in an open and safe environment. We always try to do new and exciting things, but we always start off the night with food.

If you want to know more about the society come along, or email coburnj@cardiff.ac.uk Oddsoc On March 3 there is a battle of the bands taking place for RAG Week.

Band night on March 24 in Seren Las; we already have two bands in the line up but if you are interested in playing, then contact oddsoc@hotmail.com Students of Theology and Religion are organising a talk on Religion and Magic on March 11.

Contacthannahcowles@hotmail.com Cardiff University S.H.A.G. Presents an Ann Summers PartySeren Las 3rd March 8pm till 1am.

(Inside Cardiff Union). Tickets £3, all proceeds going to help us help you. Available from the ticket office and on the door. Women only until 10:30pm. Lads VERY welcome after then @ £1 paid on entry.

Post Graduate Social Society Quiz night (8pm Grad centre, £20 cash prize, to play members 50p non-members £1). Wednesday March 12.

Politics Society Social in Seren Las - March 20 from 10pm onwards. If you’ve not been to one yet, then this is the one to come to. Feel free to bring along mates if you want to - the more the merrier!

Archaeology March 4 - ‘Mellow Yellow Hallucinogens in the late Bronze Age’. A lecture by Dr Ellie Riberio, taking place at 5.10 in room X4.01 (Humanities).

March 11 - ‘The Llangors Textile Work in Progress’. A lecture by Heather Prosser and Louise Mumford, taking place at 5.10 in room X4.01 (Humanities). Contact OdonnellL@cf.ac.uk Liberal Democrats Saturday March 8 - Murder Mystery Pub Crawl with other party societies (and maybe Politics Society if I can get their e-mail address...)! Meet 7pm in the Taf. Thursday March 13 - trip to the Glee Club at Cardiff Bay. Meet 7pm in the Taf. Saturday March 15 - the longawaited five-a-side football tournament! Boys and girls welcome, we’re meeting at 6pm sharp outside Talybont Sports Hall and we’ll go on drinking afterwards.

Hopefully there’ll be matches against Plaid, Labour, the Socialists and the Tories (though it depends on which societies think they’re ‘ard enough...) Contact LiberalDems@Cardiff.ac.uk RAG Week See ad on p2 for full details of each event this week.

Monday March 3 - RAG and Live Music present Battle of the Bands.

8pm at the Toucan Club, tickets £3 in aid of Motor Neurone Disease Association.

Tuesday March 4 - The Great RAG Pub Quiz 8pm at Talybont Social and Uni Hall Bar. £1 per person.

Wednesday March 5 - ‘Heroes and Villains’ party in Surfers. Tickets are £2 in advance and will be available to buy from a stall in the union from Thursday 27th February, or if you would like to collect them in bulk to distribute to your society members please call Laura on 07739 313146.

Alternatively, they will be available on the door for £2.50.

Thursday March 6 - Break Free with One Mission and Amnesty International. 9pm at Solus, tickets £5 in aid of Amnesty International.

Friday 7th March - Union Hijack and Collection at Lash.

05

GRiP

Once more with feeling PARALLELS AND PARADOXES:EXPLORATIONS IN MUSIC AND SOCIETY Daniel Barenboim & Edward W. Said Bloomsbury

limitless passion for conducting; his immersion in music.

Marrying the voice that emerges from these conversations with the mental image I have of him energetically conducting a Beethoven piano concerto from behind the piano himself, is not hard. He dominated that musical scene, just as at times he dominates the flow of his discussions with Said. He has

music, while Said's Palestinian roots are of great importance to him.

They are both acutely aware of the political minefield upon which they could potentially tread and so instead concentrate their energies on series of conversations understanding how music between two of the most can draw people together, high-profile members of irrespective of ethnic origin. their respective professions Their honesty and make up the content of this openness are challenging and undeniably Barenboim and Said are both acutely provocative book.

Daniel Barenboim aware of the political minefield upon which refreshing.

There will may be best known they potentially tread and so instead always be an for his vibrant element of conducting of some concentrate their energies on artificiality to of the best understanding how music can draw the orchestras in the people together, irrespective of reproduction world, and Edward ethnic origin of real Said for his conversations research and between two people. Their insights into cultural identity, but so much to say and so much knowledge to back up his voices and body language here they come together as arguments that even though are lost, and so it is their friends to discuss issues that many of the references to ideas that must stand up to are important to them. composers or musicians are close scrutiny. But both We are propelled straight obscure in the extreme, the Said and Barenboim are into the fiery furnace of their sheer energy of his thoughts consummate professionals. complex thought processes.

Anyone interested in the Said is an intellectual, good and makes compelling reading.

Much of the interest in the role music has to play in proper. He is able to express meeting of these two minds lies our society will not be the boldest and most intricate disappointed by what they arguments with the kind of ease in their vastly differing backgrounds. Barenboim grew have to say. Bemused at that comes from a lifetime of up in Israel and talks candidly times maybe, but not discussion. Barenboim is no of how his Jewish identity disappointed. less an expert in his field. The influences his approach to LaDonna Hall reader is left in no doubt of his

A

Clad in her trademark black leather jump suit, seven-fold murderess Magdalena Leitner proceeds to force her confession on a priest whom she has abducted at gunpoint from his church and gagged with her Kashiyama body stocking. exultation and protest rolled into 276 pages. Though out of print in its English translation, you should - like its heroine stop at nothing to track it down.

Alex Macpherson

Cult classic: It’s a sin

Books

A

nd now you will listen to me, Reverend Father... You can’t shut ears when your hands are bound."

So begins Magdalena Leitner, sevenfold murderess and eponymous heroine of Austrian writer Lilian Faschinger’s 1995 debut UK novel. Clad in her trademark black leather jump suit, she proceeds to force her confession on a priest whom she has abducted at gunpoint from his church and gagged with

her Kashiyama body stocking. By turns darkly comic, wilfully perverse and bitingly incisive, Magdalena is a spellbinding raconteur, and her tale is never less than compelling.

It’s the tale of a Kerouacian road trip, European style: Magdalena - vampish femme fatale, libertarian crusader - tears through Italy, France, Britain and Germany on her faithful Puch 800 motorcycle, with only a copy of La Divina Commedia, two Bach tapes and a Carmelite habit, leaving a trail of heartbreak, confusion and death behind her. It’s a journey which is aimless, fuelled only by lust and wanderlust, but

described as sheep", are held in particular contempt - though it’s by no means the only one. Familial ties; national pride; the liberal intelligentsia; "psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists and psychoanalysts"; nothing escapes Magdalena’s cynical scrutiny. She demolishes contemporary myths with vitriolic relish, both through her actions and the moments at which she breaks off her story to deliver brilliantly observed Burchillesque diatribes to her increasingly spellbound captive - and, like any true controversialist, she knows the value of a good punchline.

Sharp as Vermeer and with complete disregard for conventional morality, Magdalena The Sinner is subversion,

reviews

MAGDALENA THE SINNER Lilian Faschinger Review

which reveals Magdalena’s goals ever more clearly at every stage: love, satisfaction, and crucially, the freedom to live on her own terms.

Laconic yet precise, Magdalena recounts her adventures in a detached voice that belies both her underlying passion and the magnitude with which she shatters conventions. Seven men, all reflecting facets of patriarchal society, play pivotal roles in her journey; each ends up dead at Magdalena’s hands when she finds herself trapped by the demands they place on her. At times, Faschinger veers into a magical realist style, as symbolism and reality become inextricably entwined in Magdalena’s hypnotic narrative; utterly unhampered by moral scruples, she leaves sacred cows dying in her wake without a tremor. The Carmelite habit, for example, is used primarily to take advantage of Catholic gullibility as a disguise for theft, although it also proves useful as a sex aid; Magdalena has no compunction about either seducing priests or stealing religious icons to fund the flight from her latest murder scene.

Indeed, the Catholic Church is an institution Faschinger returns to again and again - the faithful, "those whom their shepherd, Christ, so accurately

06 LEGENDARY

"Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room"

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DIRECTORS

Stanley Kubrick

ilm directors page

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By Peter Roberts

tanley Kubrick was born in the Bronx, New York, in 1928.

Given a camera as a 13th birthday present, he soon became an avid photographer.

He sold an unsolicited photograph to Look Magazine and at the age of 17 was offered a job by them as an apprentice photographer.

After several short documentary films, his selffunded features, Fear and Desire (1953) and Killer’s Kiss (1955), brought him to the attention of United Artists, for whom he made the crime drama The Killing (1956) and the anti-war film Paths of Glory (1957).

Kirk Douglas, who starred in the latter, brought him in to direct the costume epic Spartacus (1960), when firstchoice director Anthony Mann was fired after the first week of shooting.

Unhappy with his experiences of Hollywood, Kubrick then moved to England, where he lived for the rest of his life and where all his subsequent films were shot.

An adaptation of Vladimir

A brand of ironic humour that dominates Dr. Strangelove

Nabokov’s Lolita (1962) was not a success but Dr. Strangelove (1963), a black comedy about nuclear war, was. From here on, his output slowed to a snail’s pace as his projects

Six of the Best

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) When this was re-released in 1972, it was advertised as "The Ultimate Trip". Actually, a film about the cosmic minuteness of mankind whose most interesting character is a psychotic megacomputer probably shouldn’t be viewed on drugs. See this on the biggest screen possible: TV doesn’t do it justice.

became more and more ambitious and his working methods increasingly meticulous.

His films increasingly used cutting-edge technology: 2001 - A Space Odyssey won an Oscar for ‘special visual effects’; Barry Lyndon (in which Kubrick wanted to replicate the look of an 18th-century canvas) was made entirely without artificial light and pioneered the use of ultra-high-speed colour film.

The man himself became extremely reclusive, and when in 1972 A Clockwork Orange met with intense criticism, it was Anthony Burgess (author of the source novel) rather than Kubrick who defended it to the media.

Kubrick’s films are often about conditioning and dehumanisation – by technology, the army, prison or society in general. He creates a sense of detachment – literally, as characters are often seen in

Dr. Strangelove (1964) The end of the world played for laughs; released at a time when the Cuban Missile Crisis made it seem a possibility.

Barry Lyndon (1975)

A Clockwork Orange (1971) Malcolm McDowell tramples on society; society tramples on Malcolm McDowell. After 27 years of only being available under the counter, this still has the capacity to entertain, provoke and disturb. The rape scene is incredibly vile.

End of Days

Stanley Kubrick died in 1999,only four days after presenting Warner Bros. with the final cut of Eyes Wide Shut.

By the time of its release, he was acknowledged as a master director: on posters and in trailers he got an equal billing with stars Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.

It had been announced as early as 1993 that Kubrick had

A gorgeouslooking, painstaking recreation of 18th-century society based on W. M. Thackeray’s novel. A feast for the eyes and ears (it won Oscars for best cinematography, score, costumes and art direction), dramatically it drags for three hours before climaxing with a surprising tense duel. started work on A.I., based on Brian Aldiss’ Super-toys Last All Summer Long.

However, the film did not appear until 2001, Kubrick having handed the project over to Steven Spielberg.The finished movie used some of his designs.

In March 2000 A Clockwork Orange was re-released in Britain, marking the first time it had been seen (legally) in this country since 1973.

Kubrick had withdrawn it after 15 months, following death threats to his family and reports in the US media (subsequently found to be false) that four boys dressed as the film’s ‘droog’ characters had gang-raped a nun in Poughkeepsie.

Some reviewers found it dated and misogynistic: however, American Beauty director Sam Mendes commented "The real shock is

carefully composed long shots rather than close-ups.

He generally uses source music rather than original soundtracks (Strauss in 2001; synthesised Beethoven in A Clockwork Orange; folk songs in Barry Lyndon; Bartok in The Shining; ’60s rock’n’roll in Full Metal Jacket).

This is often used as an ironic counterpoint – in A Clockwork Orange, a Rossini waltz plays while Alex’s droogs battle Billy Boy and his gang; in Dr. Strangelove a nuclear holocaust is soundtracked by Vera Lynn singing We’ll Meet Again.

His films are generally slowly paced, especially 2001, whose famous ‘Stargate’ sequence requires the audience to surrender all their preconceptions about how a film should move.

Aloof and cerebral, Kubrick is probably the least likely director to be embraced by a youth audience: a product of the Hollywood studio system who lingered on into the age of MTV.

Full Metal Jacket (1987) A platoon of innocents are transformed into amoral killing machines. The most brutalising Vietnam movie ever filmed, with some of the most impressive swearing ever recorded.

The Shining (1980) Tidal waves of blood; Satanic bartenders; pigfaced men getting blowjobs.

Kubrick’s idiosyncratic take on the horror genre works on the audience gradually, piling on the tension as Jack Nicholson goes stir crazy in a remote hotel. going to be, why can’t we make films like this anymore?”

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Reality meets insanity ADAPTATION

RELEASED: 28TH FEB CERTIFICATE: 15 RUNNING TIME: 114 mins CAST Nic Cage: Charlie/Donald Kaufman Tilda Swinton: Valerie Meryl Streep: Susan Orlean Chris Cooper: John Laroche Brian Cox: Robert McKee

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Dir.: Spike Jonze Scr.: Charlie (and Donald) Kaufman Charlie Kaufman writes himself into the screenplay of the book he is supposed to be adapting, The Orchid Thief. A balancing act of fact and fiction ensues as he intertwines his life with that of his happy-go-lucky brother, the author of the book, and its main character ‘the orchid thief’.

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icholas Cage plays Charlie Kaufman, whose goal is to adapt a book for the screen, a task he is having great trouble in doing.

He is a very neurotic writer who has just finished writing Being John Malkovich and wants to continue breaking Hollywood conventions by not, "cramming in sex or guns or car chases or characters learning profound life lessons or growing or coming to like each other or overcome obstacles to succeed in the end", as he manically purports to a studio executive (Tilda Swinton).

His twin brother, Donald (also played by Cage), is

working on a screenplay of his own, with great ease, and that only frustrates Charlie even more.

Susan Orlean (Meryl Streep) lives a comfortable life as a writer in New York City, numb and void of any passion. The main character of her book, The Orchid Thief, is John Laroche (Chris Cooper), a man who is passionately obsessed with orchids.

Just as in Being John Malkovich, reality and fiction cohabit the film. This time however, it is nearly impossible to decipher between the two.

Adaptation uses real characters playing themselves (John Malkovich, Katherine Keener,

Eire jordan

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

FINAL WORD As the screenwriting guru Robert McKee (Brian Cox) says to Charlie about his writing woes, "You can do whatever you want in the first two thirds, but you’ve got to dazzle them in the end." Although quite simply put, the word"simple", in fact, has no place in this complex layered film. It is truly dazzling.

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THE GOOD THIEF

RELEASED: 7TH MARCH CERTIFICATE: 18 RUNNING TIME: 108 mins CAST Nick Nolte: Bob Tcheky Karyo: Roger Gerard Darmon: Raoul Said Taghmaoui: Paulo Dir.: Neil Jordan Scr.: Neil Jordan Nolte pulls off the ‘out of dope and out of luck’ robber superbly, even the cop who’s trailing him cannot resist his charismatic and captivating appeal. Their co-dependent relationship adds interest as well as a certain feel-good factor to this film.

The script is cleverly crafted, the dialogue subtle but cheekily witty. Bob’s gang is an impressive mixture of characters, who balance humour and violence well, from the intense Paulo to the highly amusing Philip/Philipa. Anne is the femme fatale figure, who hovers mysteriously between an innocent youth and a whore.

The shabby beauty of the distinctively French settings are bewitching and there’s nothing better than a good heist amid the beautiful mountain scenery of the French Riviera (think The Italian Job).

Unlike Ocean’s Eleven, which seems to be trying too hard to look cool, The Good Thief manages to come across as subtly chic and undeniably stylish.

There are drawbacks

however. The film starts off fairly slowly and keeps a rather casual pace. Nevertheless, as the robbery draws nearer, it builds up to a very satisfying crescendo, as the stakes grow higher and danger of being caught increases. More importantly, this is a heist film, and accordingly its merits rest on an elaborate plot and a series of unexpected twists and ingenious escapes.

When judged in this light, this film is nothing too special, but the atmosphere, enticing characters and witty dialogue make up for any criticisms.

Jo Tinsley

FINAL WORD As heist movies go, this is a dark, sultry and ultimately stylish example.

A subtle, sexy and very watchable film, this is Ocean’s Eleven with a touch of continental class.

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Bob is a charming, semi-retired, gentleman robber, who is hooked on dope and gambling.

Accompanied by his team of slightly twisted crooks, he plots one final heist on a Monte Carlo casino while attempting to shake various pursuers.

it, this inevitably lends the film the stylish and classy edge that the average American-set heist movie lacks.

The setting is dark and

viewer to a calamitous conclusion. Saying any more would destroy the experience of watching it.

Patrick Glendening

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very aspect of The Good Thief, from its slow and sultry smoky shots to its outrageous accents, feels distinctly French, and let’s face

seedy, a druglaced world which is as sleazy as it is seductive.

However, this is lightened by touches of comedy, truly enticing characters and the tantalising appeal of Anne (Nutsa Kukhiani), a seductive temptress doted on by Paulo (Said Taghmauoi) and adopted by Bob. Perhaps one of the most alluring things about this film is Nick Nolte’s performance as the charming and loveable crook.

John Cusack), but it also uses real characters played by actors (Nicholas Cage, Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper, Brian Cox).

The plot of the film is real, but the events that transpire within the film are not… most of the time. It jumps between characters, story lines and years, all the while weaving everything together as one story, Charlie’s story.

Kaufman’s adaptation of The Orchid Thief is not about the book itself, but about its creation through the author’s relationship with its main character, Laroche.

It’s about adapting real life into art, about adapting oneself to be happy with life; a lesson Charlie eventually learns.

Ultimately the film brings the

08 In association with

gairrhydd student screening fantastic films magnificent movies perfect pictures

30 FREE PAIRS OF TICKETS TO BE GIVEN AWAY gair rhydd has teamed up with UGC Cinemas Cardiff to bring its readers an opportunity to see excellent films before they go on general release, ABSOLUTELY FREE! On Wednesday 12th March at 8.30pm, UGC Cinemas will be showing a special screening of Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, the critically acclaimed directorial debut of George Clooney which stars Sam Rockwell, Drew Barrymore and Julia Roberts. The film is based on the biography of TV producer and part time CIA assassin, Chuck Barris and has been adapted by Charlie Kaufman for the big screen. To be part of this special screening all you have to do is come up to the gair rhydd office on the 4th floor of the Student’s Union Building and get a ticket for yourself for free. It’s that simple. gair rhydd has 30 pairs of tickets to give away, but come as soon as you can because this number will diminish swiftly.

School of Hard Knox JACKASS: THE MOVIE RELEASED: 28TH FEB CERTIFICATE: 18 RUNNING TIME: 87 mins CAST Johnny Knoxville Bam Margera Chris Pontius Dir.: Jeff Tremaine WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

ilm promotion

GRiP

Johnny Knoxville and his band of merry pranksters go ape in an fully extended version of the hit MTV series.

Expect vomit, injuries and plenty of “man-ass”. Can things get any better? You may well wonder.

So it’s finally come to this. After close to150 years of cinema, one of the highest grossing (pun intended) films of the year will feature no discernable plot, rudimentary camerawork, hardly any acting and more human faeces than you can shake a stick at. Cited by some as the final straw in reality entertainment Jackass has become a worldwide phenomenon and has courted controversy after copycat stunts in America ended in fatalities.

However to the general public who are just interested in following the great slapstick tradition of watching someone hurt themselves in the name of entertainment, the only question asked will be: “Is it funny?”

Laugh? I nearly shat myself.

From start to end Jackass pulls no punches and is the most ribachingly funny film you will probably ever see. Wince as Chris Pontius gets his balls electrocuted, laugh as Johnny Knoxville disrupts golfers with an air horn and cover your eyes as Eren Mcgerehy eats a yellow snow ice cone; all in the name of entertainment.

Some people may find that at 90 minutes the film doesn’t sustain the frenetic tempo of the half hour series, but with an unmissable finale and an average of one pant wettingly funny moment every five minutes, the film is sure to satisfy fans and ‘Ass virgins alike.

Be warned however, if a film including a midget kicking himself in the head, a man firing fireworks out of his butt crack and the sight of a fat man in see-through boxershorts isn’t your cup of tea, stay well clear.

For the rest of yourself, gather up your mates and laugh yourself silly. Andy Parsons

FINAL WORD WARNING: This film was performed by complete nutcases and contains possibly some of the most vile stunts known to man.

On traditional criteria, this film scores Zero, but anyone with a moderate sense of humour should find it hysterical.

To quote Waynes World; “You’ll Laugh, You’ll Cry, You’ll Hurl”.

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Digital value deals T

he Student Loan Company have done their bit by filling up your bank account with hard cash time to get to work and start emptying it back out. What better to start with than some good DVDs? The high street retailers will be more than happy to part you from your greens, but the savvy buyer goes online for their shiny circular treats.

Before we start, do you know what ‘regions’ your DVD player is compatible with?

Region 2 is Europe, Region 1 is North America, and Region 3 is Asia. If your player is ‘multi-region,’ you can take advantage of international imports - often cheaper, available far sooner than their UK counterparts and in the case of American DVDs, have better extras. Want new films

such as The Lord Of The Rings mere weeks after they come out in the cinema?

Read on.

Comparison shopping sites are a good place to start - try kelkoo.co.uk and dvdpricecheck.co.uk. These search the prices of a number of other sites to find your desired item at the cheapest price possible. Be wary though - the list returned is far from exhaustive, as these sites favour affiliated companies.

In terms of individual sites, there are at least three essential stops.

The Amazon.co.uk behemoth has a vast range and speedy delivery, but prices float around the RRP - watch out for the postage sting, too.

Play.com is a marvel - low regular prices, and a couple of real bargains. For example,

the second series of the sublime Family Guy sells at a measly £17.99. Plus, postage rates are inclusive here.

Play.com also deals in those R1 imports, too.

Dvdboxoffice.com is a bit more specialised dealing exclusively in R1 DVDs and trades in Canadian currency.

However, the Canadian dollar has a stunning rate against the pound, creating some fine deals - fancy the new Harry Potter DVD for £12, delivery included, at the start of April?

Thought you might.

Bubbling under are a couple of the more patchy R2 sites.

Dvdpopcorn.co.uk and choicesdirect.co.uk will both turn up some fantastic offers on occasion, but will probably charge a little more for standard titles.

Happy hunting! Gareth Lloyd

Life imitates art THE SIMS [PS2, X-Box, Cube] Electronic Arts

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etal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty was, and is, one of the best games on Playstation 2, selling more than 5.5 million copies worldwide.

Now, the sequel is upon us.

Sadly not MGS3, but more MGS2.5. Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance (as Konami likes it to be called) contains the core game of Sons Of Liberty but, more importantly, a huge dollop of Substance-only extras as well.

The main game is identical to the PS2 version which is a double edged sword. Konami have done nothing to take advantage of the increased graphical power of Xbox which is a little lazy, but then “if it aint broke....”. The graphics are still superb even a year after the original release and where it really counts, game play wise, this game has it all.

Highly cinematic, driven by stunning FMV, a plot to match the best Espionage films and just the right blend of stealth, neck breaking action (literally) and neat comic touches (we’re talking distracting guards with posters of bikini babes and using an empty

What the diablo? www.nightshiver.com

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f you can tell your friends you’re getting Sassy with your Necro and they don’t call the police, chances are you’ve found Nightshiver.com. A haven for bored Diablo II players, Nightshiver offers the chance to be someone in the world of online ‘duelling’. Although character types vary, the leagues are

This week’s charts

Playstation 2 1: Mortal Kombat: DA So much blood 2: The Sims See above 3: The Getaway GTA london?

4: GTA: Vice City Still going strong 5: 007: Nightfire Bond saves the world 6: FIFA 2003 Anyone for TIF2?

7: LOTR: Fellowship Film/game hybrid 8: Smackdown 4 Wrestlin’ 9: Harry Potter No more please 10:Mary Kate and Ashley Why, why oh why?

X-Box

1: Dead to rights Pun-o-rama 2: Mortal Kombat: DA How much blood?

3: Splinter Cell Review next issue 4: Halo Classic shooter 5: Championship Manager Latest update 6: Ghost Recon Clancy book-to-game 7: Tiger Woods 2003 Golf game 8: Medal of Honour War games 9: FIFA 2003 More footie 10:007: Nightfire again and then

PC-CD ROM Game Cube 1: Command and Conquer New battle sim 2: Unreal 2 FPS fun 3: Sim City 4 ....meets the Sims 4: American Conquest For oil?

5: Sims Delux Again 6: Sims Unleashed Captivity is too good 7: Battlefield 1942 WW2 sim 8: WWTBAM Tarrant fun 9: Medal of Honour Battle add on 10:Sims Holiday One way ticket please

cardboard box as cover to sneak around unnoticed). These features are worth top marks, but there’s more, so much more.

Extras that weren’t included in the original are the major selling point for this release, and Konami doesn’t disappoint, it just keeps on giving. There are 5 “Snake Tales” that see the games improbably named hero Solid Snake take on brand new standalone missions that complement the main objective.

In addition to this are more than 300 VR missions that give you the chance to try every weapon and tactic in the most raw and testing form. Target shooting tests, stealthy infiltration areas and old fashioned bad guy butchery.

Is your slavering MGS appetite sated? No? Then you’re in luck as there are yet more game modes, costumes and surprises to be unlocked as well as Snake on a skateboard. Enough said.

If you owned this game on PS2 you should seriously consider buying it again in this supremely fattened form. If you never played MGS you must own this game! Simeon Rosser-Trokas

1: Mortal Kombat: DA That much blood 2: Bounty Hunter Fett Fun 3: Scooby Doo Where are you 4: Eternal Darkness Pessimist 5: Mario Sunshine Sunny plumbing 6: Mario Party 4 Pipes and cake 7: Rally Championship Dirty cars 8: Starfox Mmm foxy 9: SW: Rogue Leader Greedy B*****d 10:007: Nightfire orders pizza

basically divided into two types; ‘legit’ and ‘hacked’. ‘Hacked’ characters are the GM food of the Diablo world, and damn they are hot. In the accompanying ladder forums, you can learn all about hacking characters, duelling on Battle.net and even bondage for beginners. Well worth a look.

Cat Denning

Coming soon.....

Here are this week’s offerings from the games and web desk, up here in the loft of the Student Union.

Whoever said there are bats in the belfry were not that far off. However we do get sunlight and have a water machine so can’t complain that much I guess.

Anyone interested in joining the team up here on the 4th floor feel free to get in touch with the respective desk. It looks great on the CV. At present we are looking for someone to help on keeping the website flowing nicely.

We can be reached at gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com and always welcome any input offered.

Our thanks go out to GAME as always for their continued contribution in supplying the chart.

Games/web

precarious juggling act.

The freeplay mode has been included for all you PC veterans. It runs in pretty much the same way as the Get a Life mode but has no ending. The same sorts of tasks have to be completed over and over but you can create a whole family to do them.

Overall, The Sims is the ultimate piece of gaming escapism/voyeurism. You lose grip of your own life while striving to perfect the life of your Sim as the hours and days pass you by.

Chris Pietryka

METAL GEAR SOLID 2: SUBSTANCE [X-Box] Konami

reviews

ell it had to happen sooner or later, and here it is.

The ridiculously successful Sims franchise has made the leap from PC to PS2. Is your life getting you down? Well why not load this up and play God with someone else’s? In effect, that is the whole basis of the game.

For everyone expecting a

plain conversion of the PC title, you will be disappointed as the developers have thrown a few new bits in, to appeal to the console market. The main new addition being the Get a Life mode where you start off living at home and learn to fend for yourself before being released on an unsuspecting world.

Each level is a rung on the social ladder, where a life event has to be completed, finishing with you living out your days in a massive mansion.

Throughout the game your task as ‘god’ is to keep your Sims happy. This is in addition to completing the missions at hand. At times this can feel like a very

Hard as nails

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Steve-Ouch!

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s the hoards of people line the streets surrounding the Academy, it isn’t hard to notice the sheer excitement and curiosity that fills their faces, very much resembling a child’s face at Christmas.Tales of what has been occurring so far on the Don’t Try This At Home tour have gained infamy nationwide due to its loud-mouth host Steve O, of Jackass fame. So what was surprising was the diversity of the people going to the show; a mixed bag of all ages and persuasions.l However all had one thing in common: the prior knowledge that tonight was not going to be for the prudish or faint-hearted…

A large video screen lights up on stage displaying the familiar Jackass precursor. Deafening screams roar throughout the audience.

The video continues with a young woman stripped down to her briefshaving oil rubbed into her by Steve O

STEVE-O: DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME Bristol Academy

MobRule

and fellow Jackasser Wee-Man. This sexy image is soon dispelled as they set her alight then pause before putting her burning body out with a blanket. Steve O, with CKY pal Ryan Dunn and Jackass buddy Preston Lacy then make their grand entrance and this is where the true madness begins…

Bringing out a bottle of Tequila, Steve O proceeds to eat handfuls of salt before glugging at the bottle until he’s sick. Not content with this spurt of vomiting, he then squeezes lime juice into his eyes, then has Ryan and Preston phlegm into his acid-filled eyesagain inducing vomiting until the audience are wretching and having to avert their disgusted yet tantalized gaze.

This is just the opening, and among the other perverse delights on show tonight, we see Steve O invite audience members up on stage. The first trio of hapless morons stupid enough to get up, receive the joy of being kicked repeatedly in the groin by three attractive women. The next three then are set against each other in a contest to see who can make their face bleed first by punching themselves silly. The winner of this bizarre contest then got the prize of being put in a choke hold by Dunn until he passed out. Nice family entertainment as you can see…

Tonight really would be enough to

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keep a psychologist in business for years, especially with Steve O’s constant references to how his father thinks he’s a failure. These lead to him showing some pretty impressive stunts including one where he balances a carving knife on his nose and another where he balances a big step-ladder on his chin.

Of course, to balance this neutral entertainment out, we have more stomach churning humour in the shape of Steve O’s stapling session. Firstly, he staples underwear to himself (of course sniffing it first) then the ultimate in shock-stapling his testicles to his thigh.

By now, people are fainting left, right and centre, which leaves just enough time to plug his new video, before smashing a light bulb over his head and using a piece of the glass to slash deep gashes into his tongue and spit blood over himself.

“Excellent” gasps a 13 year old behind me, which leaves me pondering as the lights dim as to what kind of society we live in where we find excitement and entertainment in selfharm and humiliation. As the freakshows come out of their seedy underground haunts and into the spotlight, what worries me is where will we find our next cheap thrill….

Gemma Jones

THEATRE ANARCHY Crwys Theatre Act One

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ollowing the success of ‘All Day Breakfast last year, Utter Politics directed by Dean Burnett certainly did not disappoint. I feel somewhat apprehensive about writing this article seeing as last year’s reviewer was incorporated into the production thanks to her generous commentary. So best I’m not too nice!

The cast were permitted minimal costumes and limited props, so the entire weight of the performance was on the vitality of the actors themselves.

They worked as a very close team, recognising both the strengths and limitations of each other, someone was always prepared to leap on stage and ‘save the day’, which I guess is the essence of a good improvisational play.

Audience members were encouraged to participate with suggestions of settings, themes and various props. Of course, the unique student minds managed to incorporate the pub into the performance, whilst the rest of the action in Radioactive Town revolved mainly around the public toilet. However, I must admit that most of the suggestions chosen

seemed to mysteriously arise from fellow Act One members in the audience. Maybe those thespians are just more innovative than the rest of us?

The debut performance of Julia Pitt was one not to be missed, along with her sidekicks Lowri Rees and Dave Steele whose unruly evil hand never failed to entertain. This trio seemed unstoppable in their hilarious antics that ensured the performance rolled through those moments of slight tension, of which there were surprisingly few for this kind of production.

Similarly, Mr Hotstepper alias Tom Walsh maintained an unbelievable diversity of facial expressions and versatile bodily actions (especially with a live rodent down his trousers) and injected a wealth of energy into the performance.

Former Weakest Link star Dan McKee managed to change character with the wink of an eye, the range of his acting ability was clearly apparent and always accompanied by a spiel of witty commentary.

Utter Politics demonstrated close teamwork with marvellous results. The cast were willing to take anything that was thrown at them. Next year’s production will be unmissable.

Lou Lappin

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here definitely seems to be a trend at the moment for all things to do with the American gangster. The success of The Gangs Of New York and both film and stage versions of Chicago prove this.

Speakeasy! or The Bootleg Gentleman, adapted by Michael Bogdanov from Moliere’s Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme, continues the pattern.

It is set in 1930s Chicago after the ending of Prohibition, where former bootleggers suddenly find they have a lot of time on their hands, and even Al Capone took organ and speech lessons in an effort to become cultured.

Giovanni Jordani (Jason Speake), “a criminal so fierce that even innocent children aren’t safe in his presence”, decides he wants to be part of Chicago high society, and attempts to gain some ‘class’ with the aid of an ‘impoverished’French aristocrat (Oliver Thompson).

What follows are his hilarious

E BOOT H T r o !

Y S A E K SPEA GENTLEMEN tre Sherman Thea efforts to do this, via ballet, music, boxing and elocution lessons, allowing for some excellent cameo roles from the cast.

The rather camp ‘English Ballet Master’, played by Christian Shaw, and Jordani’s tailor Mrs Finkelstein (Alison John) were especially good.

Although the play was slightly too long and some of the songs verged on the twee at times, all the cast and orchestra were excellent. The stage fighting in various scenes was also very well done, so realistic that a collective ‘ouch’ went round the audience several times.

Many Act One members will remember Andrew Hodges, who, as a ‘German Professor of Linguistics’, certainly impressed me with his cartwheel turning ability!

Special mention must also go to Seamus Casey for revealing what Scotsmen truly wear under their kilts, and having the courage to stand totally nude on a pedestal for ten minutes. The ladies in the

audience were very appreciative!

There was a subplot, in true Moliere fashion, of the unrequited lovers – Jordani’s daughter Lucia and her humble window cleaner, thwarted from marrying by Jordani’s grandiose plans for his family. Katie Hiam was admirable as his rather fierce Italian wife, and her accent sounded very authentic! Of course, in good musical tradition, all ends happily, as Jordani realises the importance of being himself and the lovers are finally united.

Speakeasy! had us all in stitches for most of the play, particularly during numbers such as Sugar With The Chandelier Shimmy and Cooking With Gas, with its leaping waiters and juggling chefs. Overall, this production was a credit to all the students from the College who were involved, and one that, for me, was more enjoyable than the current silver screen musical.

Helen Dorritt

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Vaginas with voices

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Shocking, hilarious, and incredibly moving, Eve Ensler’s The Vagina Monologues is about to hit Cardiff for the first time. Sharon Heard gives us an insight into what we can expect. Now don’t be shy, read on.....!

“V

the primary cause for which she wrote the monologues: raising awareness about violence towards women and girls.

Since then the monologues have been performed globally, but never in Cardiff until now.

Julia Jay and Alice Barnsdale are organising a production of the monologues to be performed on March 9th and 10th in the Great Hall. The production is in conjunction with V Day, a globally recognised day aiming to end violence against women and girls.

The statistics surrounding this subject are frightening. In the UK 28% of women between ages 18 and 24 has experienced domestic violence at some point. (British Crime Survey, 1999). Every 30 seconds in the UK a woman contacts a women’s aid organisation for help. This is clearly a problem that is not

and members of the local community. The production is intended to draw in and involve the audience, as well as encourage open, liberal thought. The Monologues are not designed to dictate, although each monologue does have a specific message. They are, however, performed collectively. This means that a broad range of ideas are expressed so the audience can identify with experiences that apply to them and attempt to comprehend the experiences of others. No ideas are rigid and there is no single message about what it means to be a woman. In total, 13 monologues will be performed with different voices and topics. While some will be light-hearted and amusing, relating to the majority of the audience, others will be more hard-hitting, dealing with issues such as rape. A variety of stands promoting local charities or selling refreshments (some themed...) will be available to in the interval.

Alice explains that, amidst all the entertainment there will be an overriding message; that violence against women and children needs to end.

“The Vagina Monologues provoke reaction.

Yes, the content may at times be

First Degree Byrne ED BYRNE St David’s Hall

A

topic so funny and everything that he talked about no matter how absurd it was, happened to be so true. To round off his show, he showed his love for his girlfriend by showing how bad in bed he was! It involved the microphone stick and him… you don’t want to know.

Unsurprisingly he came on for an encore, and kept the audience in stitches right until he left the stage for good.

He was one of the funniest comedians I have seen, and the best part was he wasn’t afraid to poke fun at himself.

Nice, funny and surprisingly goodlooking for "a skinny Irish guy"…

I suppose you can’t ask for much more.

Angela Singh

The Vagina Monologues will be performed in the Great Hall, Cardiff Student’s Union, on 9th and 10th March.

Tickets: £6 (£4 NUS) Time: 8.00pm (doors open 7.30pm)

Arts

solitary stool, a bottle of Bud, a packet of fags and one mighty big stage was the setting for Ed Byrne’s night of comedy. Even a half-full audience did not deter his mood.

A newly scalped Mr Byrne claimed that his manager was mad for booking him into a 1500 seat venue when Wales were playing at home.

He started off with a short introduction poking fun at his Carphone Warehouse ads- yep he is the voice of the radio and television adverts, and then aptly moved on to the topic of women and text messages. He claimed that the funniest thing was to see a woman receive a text message from a bloke she fancied…..why? Well because

we get so excited! But the only the reason men are texting is because they don’t want to talk to you. Ouch! After the brief but hilarious introduction, the support act was beckoned. David Hadingham filled about 30 minutes and whilst he was good perhaps a little disgusting at times, the audience couldn’t wait until Ed Byrne returned. After the break he returned to the audience wearing a very dapper suit which he likened to an undertaker’s attire. From there, he captivated the audience right from the start with his frank, dry wit. He can choose such an ordinary topic that is relevant to us all and look at it from a completely different angle. For example, at one point he began talking about getting up in the morning. We’ve all been there: setting the alarm, then continually pressing snooze until you realise you really are going to be late! He made that simple

controversial but I find this refreshing; the play encourages the audience to challenge opinions, to question, to reconsider what is taboo.”

Alice and Julia will be working to reinforce the shocking facts about the problem throughout the production. Just buying a ticket will help greatly; it is hoped that 95% of revenue from ticket sales will go directly to the local charities selected.

The production of Monologues is driven by a passion to encourage everyone to at least consider what it means to be female. A themed photography and art contest is being run alongside The Monologues and entries will be exhibited around the stage. For more information about the production, the competition or to put forward your ideas about what it means to be a woman, e-mail Julia or Alice at: cardiffvm@hotmail.com.

reviews and previews

iolence against women knows no boundaries of ethnicity, age, marital status, financial status, religion, sexual orientation, disability or motherhood.”

Mention the word ‘vagina’ and most people feel embarrassed, turn away, or change the subject. It seems strange then, that someone would want to write a play about vaginas; a subject so evaded that euphemisms are even used with caution.

However, that is precisely what the monologues are about, breaking the silence and embarrassment, and exploring what it means to be female.

The monologues, written by Eve Ensler in 1995, were first performed in New York and generated a huge amount of press attention. This attention allowed Eve Ensler to promote

going to fade away. Julia recognised the lack of open discussion surrounding women’s issues in Cardiff and decided The Vagina Monologues would provide a perfect platform on which to raise awareness and money for local charities.

The money raised from the monologues will be donated to Cardiff Rape Crisis and Cardiff Women’s Aid amongst other local organisations.

In addition to raising money to support victims of violence, the monologues are intended to make individuals stop to consider what it means to be a woman.

Julia and Alice emphasise that the production is by no means exclusively for women: “This isn’t about man-hating feminists, the monologues will entertain and interest anyone who is, or knows, a woman.”

The co-operation of everyone is needed if violence towards women is to stop.

Organisations such as ‘Men Against Rape’ raise awareness of men in particular, aiming to dispel any ideas that dismiss violence against women as a ‘women’s issue’. Groups such as these are becoming increasingly common and demonstrate that men already take an active role in helping to prevent violence as well as supporting its victims.

Julia and Alice are hoping to see an eclectic mix of people in the audience, including students

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Cardiff: cheap as chips?

There are two types of record shops in the world: the ones that smell strange, and the ones that don’t. As Robbie Lane discovered in his tour around the high street and the back streets, Cardiff is about half and half. Here is a look at some of the better record stores Cardiff has to offer...

Despite its bowling alley shape and insufficient size for a capital city, HMV (Queen Street) manages to cram a surprising amount in. Altogether it’s pretty similar to most chain stores, where you can get anything still in production if you’re willing to pay for it.

But who in this era of online shopping really wants to pay £17 for a CD, when you can get it for under a tenner off the Internet? Also with their new policy of not accepting our Uni cards as ‘proper’ NUS cards, the only time worth entering is during a sale. And then the shop turns into a giant game of sardines.

Best bargain: Sex Pistols, Never Mind The Bollocks for £2.99.

Fairly similar to HMV, but slightly bigger and better in some respects, is Virgin Megastore (Capitol Centre, Queen Street). The main improvements are that they sell a wide selection of 7” singles at dirt cheap prices (often 99p), and enough posters to cover the Great Wall of China.

The bargain bins have been gathering dust since 1989, and are occasionally worth a rummage, though their general sales are rarely as good as HMV’s. The staff tend to look at you as if they’ve just trodden in something unpleasant, which is rather off-putting.

NASIR JONES I Can Columbia Lord help us when rap artists decide to grow up; even more so when, as if utterly lacking any sense of irony or selfawareness, they do so by following the Path of Cliché in using their full name, writing “motivational”, conscious lyrics straight out of the nearest two-bit selfhelp manual, and - worst of all sampling light classical pieces. On I Can, the artist formerly known as Nas utterly bastardises Beethoven’s Für Elise, fucking around with the rhythm to nobody’s benefit before the sorry mess fades, thankfully, into nothing. This has to stop. Alex Macpherson

Just never ask for a discount with a NUS card and you’ll be alright.

Best bargain: Abbey Road poster for 99p.

Spillers records: A Nick Hornby dream come true?

Kelly’s Records is the upstairs one in the Central Market, boasting a huge stock of well organised second hand CDs, vinyls and cassettes. The prices are acceptable, about £7 for a back catalogue CD, but it might be worth checking for condition, because I don’t think they always do.

Also, if you fancy using your overdraft, they have a signed photo of the Manics, including Richie, for only £700.

Best bargain: Somehow, despite the enormous collection, I’ve never found anything I want that isn’t scratched to death.

The imaginatively titled Record Shop (aka Cardiff Records), is hidden just off Albany Road, opposite one side of Tesco Metro.

Although the blacked out windows give the appearance of a seedy sex shop, venture inside and you’ll see that this is how record shops were before the days of the ‘Entertainment Megastore’; claustrophobic, confusing and slightly odorous.

The vast majority of the two small rooms are crammed full of second hand records (nearly all pop/rock vinyl), and are generally very cheap, with a few gems in the £1.50 section and a box of 80s pop in the 50p section. There’s also a fair few CD albums for around £6.

It also has the added charm of packing in far too many records into each section, so you can’t actually get to any of them.

Ironically, the record I most want in the shop (the 12’’ version of Smells Like Teen Spirit) is stapled to the wall for decoration.

Best Bargain: David Bowie, Aladdin Sane on vinyl for £1.50 quotations, including one from the widely acclaimed film, American Beauty.

The second song also appears to utilise a well-known Oasis drum beat, and manages to merge it fairly successfully with computer generated effects. However, there is something of a clash between the quotes and music in terms of timing and placement, leading to an incoherent whole.

Paul Brown

★★★

★

CONFORMIST Paid To Fake It Demo Their sound is original, but lacks coherency. The music is brooding and down-trodden, emphasised by the use of The Raveonettes: Revolutionary? some fairly negative

The award for best name goes to the somewhat overstocked D’Vinyl on Mackintosh Place (near Crwys Road).

Pop and rock vinyl are available at fairly good prices, although it is very easy to trip over the boxes if someone happens to be buying something at the same time. There’s also plenty of back catalogue rock CDs (for about £7), music books, videos and some cheap promo posters. As well as some signed albums and photos at quite good prices, they offer another fine example of displaying any old record in a plastic sleeve and trebling the price. On this occasion it’s a ‘rare Take That single with photo frame’ reduced from £20 to £15. And that’s always a good thing.

Best bargain: a 5x3 Massive Attack tour poster for £2.99

Spillers, the oldest record shop in the universe (allegedly), and one of the best independent record shops in Cardiff.

Apart from a curious obsession with photocopying album covers, Spillers has a lot to offer including a quaint little Welsh section, if that’s your kind of thing. It’s generally slightly cheaper than Queen Street with a lot of albums for around £7.99. There’s also a selection of flyers if you’re craving a night out without hearing any Abba songs. This feels like the kind of shop Nick Hornby had in mind when he wrote High Fidelity.

Best bargain: I once found the case for a deleted Milla Jovovich album for £4.99, which is worth about £120.

Unfortunately the CD had disappeared forever, and is probably now used as a frisbee or novelty hat. Bargain city.

THE RAVEONETTES Beat City Columbia

THE CASANOVAS Nasty The Singles Society

Danish duo Sharin Foo and Sune Rose Wagner write their songs within a prescribed set of rules: all songs are written in B flat minor, no more than three chords are allowed, each song must be under three minutes and no high hat or ride cymbals are allowed.

Woo, how revolutionary - why don’t they try playing a two-stringed guitar hanging naked from an oak tree after eating twodozen pickled eggs? That would just be stupid, I hear you cry. My frickin’ point exactly. Katie Brunt

I really don’t like bands who manage to ignore thirty years of musical evolution and still end up with nothing of value.

These are to The Datsuns what Cast were to Oasis. A rocky dirge which frustrates and irritates more than surprises and shines. They’re unlikely to seduce anyone with this. Ian Johnson

★★

ADAM SNYDER Two Moons HTI Performed not so long ago in the erstwhile Mercury Revver’s visit to our very own Taf, Adam Snyder’s solo debut is a pleasant enough acoustic strum. An insanely romantic pedal steel and some very, very cute lyrics are particular selling points; nevertheless, especially in its inferior remixed form, it just doesn’t stand out from any other pleasant acoustic strum currently doing the rounds. Alex Macpherson

★★★

★

N.E.R.D Lapdance/Provider Virgin Records As far as I am concerned, these guys can do no wrong. Already producers of Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears and N*Sync, they are re-releasing one of their very own songs called Lapdance the name will get enough attention if nothing else.

Released last year, it did not receive the recognition it deserved. However, Lapdance is a fine piece of hip-hop.

With their recent exposure as the most sought-after producers and their innovative fusion of hip-hop and rock, hopefully N.E.R.D will finally get the rightful attention that they deserve.

Angela Singh

★★★

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BEST OF THE REST

Single of the fortnight MILLION DEAD Smiling at Strangers on the Train Integrity

RON SEXSMITH FEAT. CHRIS MARTIN Gold In Them Hills Nettwerk America

F

eaturing ex-members of the now defunct London band Kneejerk, Million Dead are currently being tipped to fill the void left by At The Drive In, and with good reason too if these 3 tracks are anything to go by.

From the opening chords, the ATDI influences are glaringly obvious, with all three tracks sharing the same combination of driving rhythms and intricate guitar melodies subtly ebbing in and out of the forefront. However, Million Dead are not merely riding on the back of the afro’d legends success.

They have managed to combine the aforementioned aspects with a unique vocal delivery and a darker side (not unlike that of Twelve Hour Turn) to their music, which ultimately gives them an extremely distinctive and accessible sound. The fact that two of the tracks on this CD are actually off their second demo makes this all the more incredible! Can’t wait till the full length, it’s going to be something special. Luke Grahame

★★★★

Million Dead: A million more to go screams singer

The world smiles with you DIRTY VEGAS Simple Things EMI

disguise the substandard tune.

Mat McCroft

The South London trio have been kicking up a storm in the States, thanks largely to a certain car advert and a supporting slot on Moby’s tour. Yet they remain mostly unknown here and this single isn’t going to change that. Whereas, Days Go By was a blisteringly good deep house track, Simple Things is merely nice. Although it has a funky bass line and hazy vocals, really it’s just the dorky younger brother of the school hunk. Pleasant enough, but impossible to recall.

Ben Hammond ★★

THE JEEVAS Once Upon A Time In America Cowboy

MOBY Sunday (The Day Before My Birthday) Mute

★★★★

LADYTRON Blue Jeans Invicta Super fashionistas Ladytron follow up the compulsive Seventeen with this uninspired few minutes of europop. It’s got shades of the Sugababes’ Round Round played over a passé big-beat drum loop. As sexy as the synths and ubercool vocals are, they can’t

VOICELESS RIOT Audioyant Demo This demo CD from a local indie act although raw, shows a range of musical moods and promise. First track Afran Wontdi mixes early Manics bombast (think Little Baby Nothing with backing singers) with the smart crooning edge of Mansun. Elsewhere the building and angry Border strains tops its hat to grunge the screeching chorus “Angel of the inflicted!” is repeated for extra effect. Final track This Man shows a more tender acoustic side to voiceless riot, it’s a neat ballad. Voiceless Riot show promise if your cup of tea is angst ridden indie, now all they need is a record deal. Bill Cummings

★★★

KINGS OF LEON Holy Roller Novocaine EP Hand Me Down Records Promising stuff this, from another ‘must hear’ band for us all to go ga-ga over. Unlike most, Kings Of Leon could be worth this hysteria; they sound

KINESIS And They Obey...

Independiente

MC PITMAN It Takes Tea Son Records

★★★★

This is the sound of Kinesis exploding; thrashing guitars, pulsing drums and the catchiest chorus to date all in 150 seconds. Recovering somewhat from the not-asgood-as-the-last-single release, Billboard Beauty it should please the fans and trip up the doubters.

Richard Samuels

★★

THE DYSFUNCTIONALS Payback Time (Nellie Hooper Master Mix) Meanwhile Basically, Garbage on an electronica trip. The sound is sublimely scuzzy, the lyrics are quietly menacing, and the voice is Shirley Manson’s, replicated syllable by syllable.

This could easily slip onto a Garbage single, and nobody would be able to tell the difference. Which is actually something of a compliment, considering the success that Garbage have had. However, it’s hard to deny the fact that The Dysfunctionals are attempting to cash in on that success. Atmospheric and entertaining, but ultimately unoriginal. Paul Brown

★★

SUGABABES Shape Island Nothing disappoints more than a lazy sample, even more insulting when it’s regurgitated by belles considered to be at

★

Oh dear god he’s at it again.

The Yorkshire miner with a penchant for McVities’ and your mum is back again, this time taking over Rob Base’s It Takes Two. “Your mum’s got big hands and a mustache - is she trying to be like Magnum or something?” the dour bastard raps. Classic.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

CHICANE Love on the Run Warner This opens with a definite nod to Jakatta’s American Dream, for its drum loop and melody. Then, once the song begins properly, you could be forgiven for thinking you were listening to Roger Sanchez.

Whether you will be “dancing all night long” as they sing, is another question, but still it’s tolerable - though not entirely original - trance.

Jeremy Townsend

★★★★★

DOPAMINE Statement Of Intent Clocking in at just over ten minutes in total, the three tracks featured here showcase Dopamine’s rapid fire, stop-start take on the voguish emo-core sound. They manage to capture at least some of the caustic immediacy of the local favourites’ live performance. The song writing is intelligent, and songs like the excellent Six Miles South Of Home show influences ranging from the juddering post hardcore of Quicksand and Bluetip to the pop sensibilities of bands like Hundred Reasons. Very promising stuff.

Will Turnpenny

★★★★ RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS Can’t Stop Warner Bros Can’t Stop certainly proves that even after 20 odd years of existence the Red Hot Chili Peppers can still write exciting, fresh and innovative material without losing that magic sound of theirs which makes them so appealing in the first place. John Frusciante’s guitar work and harmonising vocals are particularly brilliant and complement Anthony Kiedis’ surreal lyrics very well.

Veterans of the rock circuit they may be but with a song like this they definitely aren’t past it.

Chris Martin

★★★★

★★

THE THRILLS One Horse Town Virgin

HAR MAR SUPERSTAR Power Lunch B Unique

A porch, overlooking the ocean, California. Brian Wilson is out front with his guitar tuned to sound like a banjo.

He is struggling. Struggling to play a track as poppy and as infectious as this. Ok maybe not struggling – he’d have produced this with ease.

Richard Samuels

A fat man in Y-fronts lustfully seduces young office workers with his cry of “Deeper!, Deeper! I can feel you beeper!” as the office macs gyrate in time. Like Mutations-era Beck getting jiggy with Gonzales on crack. It’s utterly wrong - but totally right. You’re dirty and you want it. Andy Parsons

★★★

★★★★★

Music

★★★

He’s plugging away at the toilet venues and his obsessives in Japan, but exKula Shaker-maker Cirspian Mills’ new project just hasn’t poured petrol on anyone’s flame. If anything will turn it round for him it’ll be this, a clean-cut cruiser that falls just short of inspirational. B-side She Speaks is a bonus which demonstrates Mills’ consistent pedigree that we would be so much worse off without.

Really. Jamie Fullerton

the very pinnacle of manufactured pop. Built around Sting’s Shape Of My Heart the vocals are mastered to increase delivery rate but sound like the idiosyncratic heartbeat of a senile 90 year old with his hand in a toaster.

A sorry, turgid nothing.

Jamie Fullerton

singles

From the outset, Moby’s career has, somewhat understandably, attracted vindication from his fellow peers. While 18 was not as groundbreaking (or, mercifully, as overexposed) as some of his previous efforts, this is one of its more tenable moments.

With its creators signature formula of country-soul vocals sampled atop therapeutic backing keyboards, Sunday epitomises a wholly underrated album, although its value is overstated here as a single. Altogether an unnecessary release, but a likable one. Dave Gibson

★★

like a more country Pixies.

The singer sounds like he’s fat and they clearly like nothing more than a bucking chorus to ride home on. Think of them as the more hygienic alternative to the armies of thrift-rockers we’re supposed to be in love with.

Jamie Fullerton

This is the latest single off cherub-face tunesmith Ron Sexsmith’s sixth album, Cobblestone Runway. The remix of the single features some electronic knob-twiddling and backing vocals courtesy of Coldplay’s Chris Martin, presumably designed to aid radio airplay, but the real reason to buy this should be the original album version. It’s a beautiful song with Sexmith crooning “Don’t lose heart” and other such hopeful sentiments accompanied by a piano and some nicely employed strings. Wonderful stuff. Jon Griffiths

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PICK OF THE REST ZWAN Mary Star Of The Sea Martha’s Music/Reprise So the news on the block is true, Billy’s back and he’s happy.

The result of this being some of the most luscious, succulent chunks of grunge-pop meets glam-rock ever written. Dazzling openers Lyric and Settle Down set the tone of the album perfectly, while breezy delights like the bittersweet Heartsong and recent single Honestly envelope you in gentle psychedelia. Think Smashing Pumpkins circa 1979 and you’re a portion of the way there.

With Zwan, not only is it their music that’s alluring but also the coming together of some of the greatest rock musicians out there today. Not only can they play like beasts, they have the ability to conjeur up that warmth inside rarely felt with the majority of contemporary music.

Hopefully Mary Star Of The Sea is just a taste of things to come from Corgan and co.

Gemma Jones

Album of the fortnight...

BUFFSEEDS The Picture Show Fantastic Plastic Devon based Buffseeds’ debut album is an indie treasure full of gentle melodic songs swimming in an ambient sea of swirling guitars and keyboards. Former single Barricade is a political song about the conflict in Northern Ireland. It’s a beautiful atmosphere that’s created on the album, in parts sounding somewhat like early U2 crossed with the Get Up Kids. And of course it wouldn’t be a British indie album without the obligatory Radiohead references.

However the Buffseeds are certainly more than mere copyists, they’ve learned lessons from their influences and are moulding them into beautiful songs of love, loss and hope such as album opener Sparkle Me and Who Stole The Weekend. In parts there are echoes of JJ72, with whom the band share a producer, singer Kieran Scragg’s fantastic falsetto voice soaring and acting as an instrument in itself. This is a very impressive debut from a band whose beautiful brand of psychedelic folk pop is going to earn them many admirers. Jon Griffiths

★★★★★

Sparkling white whine Ween: Not very sexy things...

★★★★

MIRA CALIX Skimskitta Warp Female electronic artists are few and far between. Apart from the electro action of Andrea Parker, the bleeps of Blechtum.

From Blechdom and the genius of Leila the electronic scene is woefully short of oestrogen.

It’s certainly not due to lack of ability as the second album from Chantal Passamonte aptly demonstrates. She uses a bewidlering array of sounds to construct a 70 minute sounscape of playful melodies interspersed with angular dischord. The album shifts and moulds itself from one track to another in a way which seems as if was grown and cultivated rather than composed.

Highlights include the crunchy The Wolf, The Sheep And The Door and the piano ambience of I May Be Over There (But My Heart Is Over Here). More digestible and focused than her debut, Skimskitta may not be to everyone’s taste, but is certainly worthy of several late night listens to let it all sink in before reaching a judgement.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

MULL HISTORICAL SOCIETY Us Blanco Y Negro Returning with yet more sublime melodies, Mull Historical Society are Scotland’s answer to the Beach Boys come on lets sing:Oh Caroline och, no, me lassie.

Except there isn’t five of them, even though the multitudes of instruments, voice parts, and other sounds might make you think there are plenty of players here, Mull Historical Society is in fact a one-man musical vehicle Colin McIntyre.

And perhaps, I’m overpushing and simplifying the similarity with the Beach Boys, okay I only said it because Colin McIntyre songs sounds so bittersweet whatever he’s talking about love, loss, depression and Colin’s favourite subject- the supermarket. The Barcode Bypass of this album is The Final Arrears, it stands out as far the best song on the album, so if you don’t like that single, you won’t like this album.

Pauline Cheung

★★★

PAVEMENT Slow Century Matador

PILOT TO GUNNER Games At High Speeds Rykodisc

Two whole live shows, all the videos, interviews and a whole host of extra gubbins; this DVD is essential for any fan of one of the 90’s finest bands. Get there, you know it makes sense.

Andy Parsons

Originally recorded in 2000, Games At High Speeds tries to pick up on the shouty, underproduced, punk currently coming out of New York.

The sound is raw and full of energy and is fairly upbeat (screaming guitars and hand

★★★★

Buffseeds: Fucking lush (apparently)-you knows it!

clapping on the opening track).

There are some good songs (Every Moment Is A Movie and It’s So Good To Be Here In Paris) however there are no stand out classics.

And, at 33 minutes, the album is over before you know it.

PTG have produced a middle of the road album; it is not taxing to listen to, good in places, but you would have to hide in shame if it was in your record collection.

Andy Lightfoot

★★★

VOIVOD Voivod Surfdog/Chophouse With Canadian punk-metal having a bit of a renaissance (only a bit, mind), the craggyfaced mountie lovers Voivod want their piece of the pie. Cue this album. There’s some good dirty riffs in here, as on the chunky Facing Up, but most of it sounds dated and forgettable.

The unpleasant vocals sound like Billy Corgan with a mouthful of custard and the album would benefit from shorter songs and bigger production. They sound like they might be able to cut the custard live, but they don’t do it here. Mat McCroft

★★

WEEN God Ween Satan: The Oneness (Reissue) Twin Tones/Restless Like some hideous postscript to the scatological ‘wackiness’ of Bowling For Soup, Blink 182 et al, Ween have decided to rerelease their 1990 debut.

Surprisingly, it’s rather good.

Parts of it are also quite, quite bad, but that’s a small percentage out of twenty-nine tracks. It does give you a

headache if you listen to the lot in one go, so mind out.

Pitched between post-Butthole Surfers silliness and fuzzed grunge blazes, God Ween Satan is the lo-fi sound of two Yankee stoners dicking about with some effects pedals in a front room, which is basically what went on. As a consequence, it has none of the sense of cynicism or careerism that you could expect. Bizarrely, the highlight of this album is a cover of Prince’s Shockdelia, which ends up being the least sexy thing you might ever hear. Both irritating and brilliant, God Ween Satan is a difficult but rewarding experience.

Charlie Jenkins

★★★★

ERIN MCKEOWN Distillation Parlophone The album begins well, with the fairly simple and fairly short intro song Queen Of Quiet nicely introducing the easy listening feel of the music to the audience. This flows nicely into the undoubted highlight of the album Blackbirds, which utilises a more funky backing riff than the previous song.

However, from then on, the music drifts into fairly mediocre country/easy listening. It is somewhat revived by the upbeat La Petite Mort, but ultimately, by the time you reach Dirt Gardener, you don’t want to hear another acoustic guitar/banjo country number for a long, long while. The few highlights on the album certainly don’t make it worth purchase. Unless you’re a real die-hard country addict, don’t bother wasting your time.

Paul Brown

★★

THE DETROIT COBRAS Seven Easy Pieces Rough Trade Coming from the same scene that spawned the likes of The White Stripes and having released songs on the same record label (Sympathy For The

Record Industry), it should come as a surprise to no one that The Detroit Cobras sound pretty similar in a way to The White Stripes.

A closer examination however of thisseven-track LP of obscure covers reveals that another major influence of this band is 1950s rock ‘n’ roll and particular tracks such as Insane Asylum have an almost loungetype feel to them. However this is where my criticism lies; for the most part this LP is a little too laid back and monotonous.

There is a lack of distinction between many of the songs, so much so that it’s easy to just drift in and out of the music.

This CD serves well as background music to relax to but if you’re in the mood for something a little more than this then there are many blues influenced bands that combine these types of mellow sounds with more upbeat numbers.

Chris Martin

★★★

AEREOGRAMME Sleep and Release Chemikal Underground Augmented by a fourth addition, Cardiff live favourites, Aereogramme’s second album presents a more epic, cohesive sound. However, since pushing the boundaries of post-rock with A Story in White, Sleep And Release is something of a consolidation. Cementing their position in the Scottish indie mafia with Dirty Three style strings and Delgadosesgue choirs, it sometimes sounds a little sychophantic towards their label bosses. Indeed, compared to the invention of their earlier work, Sleep And Release appears a little derivative, as the idiosyncracies of Arab Strap are also recalled in samples of desperate, drunken answerphone messages.

Aereogramme’s mastery of the quiet/loud formula is employed a shade too regularly, though these criticisms are only called for by their usual high standards.

Nick McDonald

★★★

gairrhydd

2003 UNION EXECUTIVE ELECTIONS PULL-OUT

These people want votes

So who will get yours?

Yes, it’s election time again, and unless you’re a first year you already know what that means. Lectures will be interrupted by over-earnest campaign speeches, the same set of grinning mugs will be plastered across posters everywhere, and the Union steps will soon become completely impassable, as hordes of klaxonblaring, leaflet-dispensing fools descend upon them with the express purpose of depriving you of the crucial five seconds you need to get to your ten o’clock seminar on time.

So how are you going to survive the next two weeks? Don’t worry, as ever your gair rhydd is here to help. Sit back, relax and enjoy GR’s guide to the Union Elections...

2 W h y v o t e ? U n i o n P re s i d e n t C a z N o y e s w r i t e s 3 W h a t w e ’ re v o t i n g f o r : t h e U n i o n E x e c u t i v e 4 W h o w e ’ re v o t i n g f o r : t h e S a b b a t i c a l c a n d i d a t e s 6 W h o w e ’ re v o t i n g f o r : t h e N o n - s a b b a t i c a l c a n d i d a t e s E l e c t i o n i n f o r m a t i o n a n d w h y s t u d e n t s d o n ’t v o t e 7 sympathise, so we amused 8 Tohuirns ke l veel es cwt i oi tnhs tahree bbaocrki npga?g We e, home of all things pointless

The 2003 gair rhydd election pullout was brought to you by...

Editor/Designer: Mark Cobley Contributors: Anna Hodgekiss Charlotte Spratt Caz Noyes Reporters: John Collingridge Simon Baylis Rhiannon Davies LaDonna Hall Hannah Macklin

Election guide page two

03 March 2003

“Let the fun Meet the President of your Union, Caz Noyes, who is also acting as Returning Officer for this year’s elections.

Here, she makes a personal appeal to students to get involved and wishes the candidates the best of luck

S

o, it’s elections time again. As I sat chairing the candidates meeting tonight, Thursday February 27, I couldn’t help recalling a year ago when I was sat there nervously on the other side of the table.

All those rules and regulations, meetings with designers, flyers and posters to arrange... it seemed like a lot of work and quite daunting.

So much to do and so little time.

But of course that’s just the candidates. You, the ordinary students, don’t have to worry about a thing election time is simply your chance to have your say on how your Union is run for 2003-2004.

36 candidates will be running for various jobs on the Executive and it’s great to see five candidates running for President this year - many more than usual.

Over the next few weeks,

people will be knocking on your door day and night wanting five minutes of your time to chat with you about your ideas and views on the Students Union.

Of course, they will be trying to sell themselves and their ideas to you and convince you they are the right person for the job.

They have made a commitment to stand up for what they believe in, so go on and give them a chance and listen to what they have to say.

You’ll probably see more than a few candidates around campus speaking in your lectures and out in the evenings with crazy t-shirts on.

Badges of all shapes and sizes will be pinned onto you.

But it’s all in the election spirit, so get involved. Who knows - you may be inspired for next year and learn of the many opportunities on offer to you in your Union.

For you all out there, it’s your chance to be the decision makers of the Union for the next year, as the elected officers will work on your behalf to represent your needs and issues of being a student at Cardiff

University.

They will be campaigning on your behalf both at national level and closer to home, in your University.

You only have to look at the front page of this year’s paper to see the kind of

thing we are working to do in your name.

This year is unique as the elections are being run as a joint initiative with Sabbaticals and NonSabbaticals running at the same time.

Though this has obviously created a lot more work for all of us at the Union, the idea is that this will stimulate a higher turn-out and more students can get involved.

We’re waiting to see if it will work!

In the pages of this pullout the candidates have all given brief interviews to help you understand what they stand for.

However, their full manifestos will all be available in an “election special” booklet that your Communications Officer, Ellie King, has been working hard on co-ordinating.

This booklet will be available around campus from March 10.

Until then you’ll have to

make do with this excellent gair rhydd pullout!

So watch out for all the posters and candidates around. Have a chat to them and hear their views.

On Thursday March 13, there will be candidates’ Question Time for sabbaticals in the Students’ Union Council Room at 7pm, and Non-Sabbatical hustings in Seren Las at 1pm.

All are welcome to come along and hear what the candidates have to say.

For me as Returning Officer, I find it a very different position to be in.

I am usually on the other side and I reminisce on the years I have run for election and recall the fun, laughs and many sleepless nights of campaigning.

But it was worth it in the end as I have had two of the most interesting and unique years of my life so far.

I wish all the candidates running the best of luck.

Go get ‘em folks!

Current Officers

03 March 2003

Election guide page three

What’s your favourite So who are these people we’re voting for? What the hell do they do? And quite frankly, why should you care? Step forward this year’s union executive team - they’ve been running your Students’ Union all year and now they’re going to tell you how...

The Sabbatical Officers: eight full time, paid positions THE PRESIDENT

SOCIETIES & UNION SECRETARY

Current officer: Caz Noyes “The President is the public face of the Union and must maintain and develop its public relations. As Chief Executive of a multi-million pound business - Cardiff Union Services - I supervise the team of sabbatical and nonsabbatical officers to ensure the successful financial future of the Union.

“It is vital that the President continues to develop the Union ethos and liaise with the Union’s General Manager to plan events and enable the Union to expand and evolve.”

FINANCE & COMMERCIAL SERVICES Current officer: Chris Dixon “I’m the Union Treasurer and I’m responsible for its finances and commercial activity.

“As well as weekly financial monitoring I assess potential areas for commercial development and ensure students get value for money.

“Regular liaison with the bars and shop is vital, and with the Entertainment Department for event and venue attendance (e.g. Solus).”

Current officer: Laura Welsh “I am the Company Secretary of Cardiff Union Services Ltd and Vice President of the Union.

“With 105 societies under my remit, I spend a significant amount of time dealing with their events and finances.

“I’m also responsible for organising the Societies Fayre and the Union Nightbus services as well as being accountable for democratic procedures within the Union.”

COMMUNICATIONS & COMMUNITY Current officer: Ellie King “I’m responsible for the Union’s Public Relations in conjunction with Caz, and I assist officers and Union members with any relevant publicity.

“Much time is spent answering press calls and liaising with the Marketing Department over campaigns and events.

“I foster positive links with the local community and maintain links with local and national media. I also have overall responsibility for Xpress Radio.”

EQUAL OPPS. & WELFARE Current officer: Emma Bebington “I work in conjunction with non-sabbaticals to ensure that the equality and welfare of students and staff is prioritised.

“I support students facing discrimination and advise on issues such as counselling and self-defence.

“I work with many individual housing cases, particularly at the beginning of term, finding accommodation for students. I also organise the University’s housing information days.”

ACADEMIC AFFAIRS

GAIR RHYDD EDITOR

AU PRESIDENT

Current officer: Minelle Gholami

Current officer: Gemma Curtis

Current officer: Polly Hills

“I represent all students on academic issues and University procedures, including those experiencing difficulties such as exam appeals.

“I represent students on nearly 20 committees providing input from the student body to the University.

“I’m responsible for ensuring that student development remains a University priority and incorporating postgraduate issues into the Executive. Involvement on the staff-student panel and Student Advice Centre is also necessary.”

“I’ve got the responsibility for getting out an issue of gair rhydd every fortnight. This involves a large number of different skills - organising section editors, making sure all the pages are ready for print, liaising with advertisers, planning the structure of the paper and maintaining links with printers and distributors.

“There’s quite a few late nights involved and the job does sometimes feel like it’s taking over your life - but the finished product is always worth it!”

“I’m responsible for the running of the Cardiff University AU and all Union sport related issues.

“I co-ordinate the activities of all AU clubs as well as the Sports Fayre, annual AU Ball and the Varsity Match. I deal with AU issues such as sports budget allocation and club structures.

“Regular interaction with the British Universities Sports Association (BUSA) and Universities in Wales Athletic Union (UWAU) is necessary to monitor sporting issues.”

The Non-Sabbatical Officers: 14 part-time, volunteer positions Black & Ethnic Affairs: Ayesha Chawdhry

Works with bodies such as the Commission for Racial Equality and the NUS to raise awareness about black and ethnic oppression, and organises anti-racism campaigns.

Students with Disabilities: Natasha Hirst

Campaigns for and represents students with disabilities, for example ensuring that all buildings have disabled access wherever possible. Also runs awareness-raising campaigns.

AU Vice Presidents: Alexander Menary & Kia Smith

International Students: Natasha Amaradasa

Welsh Affairs: Geraint Edward

The two vice-presidents aid the AU President in running the Athletic Union as effectively as possible, organising fixtures and social events.

They are on call and available whenever the President is busy.

Gay & Bisexual Officer: Vacant Lesbian & Bisexual Officer: Vacant

Women’s Officer: Melanie Whitter

IMG Chair: Billy Lee

Xpress Station Manager: Hiten Vaghmaria

Gair Rhydd Deputy Editor: Tristan Thomas

Works to ensure all international students are welcomed, supported and assisted during their time at Cardiff. Also organises cultural events such as the popular Global Village fair.

These two officers represent the needs and rights of lesbian, gay and bisexual students.

They actively campaign against homophobia and work to raise awareness of issues that can face LGB students. They also run separate phone-lines and drop-in sessions for lesbian/bisexual women and gay/bisexual men.

Mature Students Officer: Janine Jones

Represents all mature students in the University, working to deal with issues that concern them.

Organises relevant campaigns and ensures that mature students are adequately represented.

This officer’s role is to promote the Welsh language and culture in the Union and, where necessary, to uphold the Union’s bilingual policy such as ensuring all publicity is in Welsh and English.

Promotes women’s equality in the Union. Runs campaigns such as a positive body image campaign and Breast Cancer Awareness. Also is available simply for support and a friendly word.

Ensures the station maintains its award-winning, high-quality broadcast output. Co-ordinates programming, ensures student participation and secures the RSL broadcast licences.

Postgraduates Officer: David Manning

Ensures the thousands of postgraduates at Cardiff are represented at the Union. Actively involved with postgraduate teaching and research issues.

The Inter Mural Games Chair is responsible for the co-ordination of the inter-departmental sports and their coverage in gair rhydd. The Chair is based in the AU office and not with the other Non-Sabs.

Assists the gair rhydd Editor in finishing off pages, assuming control of specialist editions, coordinating section editors and helping to organise social events for gair rhydd staff.

Election guide page five

03 March 2003

Election guide page four

Meet your

candidates

STUDENTS’ UNION PRESIDENT What previous experience have you got to bring to this job?

“I've been Finance Officer this year and I believe I've handled the Union's affairs well. I'm a fun, happy, approachable guy and I want to finish the job I've started which is giving my best for students.”

What’s your policy on Cardiff’s continued affiliation to NUS? “I think it is vitally important to remain as a collective of students to represent student issues. The best way is with a student body.”

What’s your position on tuition fees and top-up fees?

“I'm firstly against top-ups but the bigger battle is tuition fees. I want to fight alongside national campaigns to achieve this as well as lobbying locally.”

C O M M U N I C AT I O N S & C O M M U N I T Y

What previous experience have you got to bring to this job?

“I have been on SUC for two years, and have helped with a youth group. I am approachable, charismatic, driven and importantly a team person. I will ensure there is a good atmosphere- it’s good when people can work together.”

What’s your policy on Cardiff’s continued affiliation to NUS? “I will certainly be re-evaluating the union’s affiliation with NUS which in many ways is not worth the money. NUS conference last year was a farce. At the moment I don’t think the benefits outweigh the disadvantages.”

What’s your position on tuition fees and top-up fees?

“I don’t agree with top-up fees. More has to be done to show our opposition HARRIES including being more active and writing to MPs.”

What previous experience do you have?

What previous experience do “I am currently the equal opportunities & welfare you have? officer, which means I know about the union and have “I’ve been involved with SUC for valuable experience. I have also been able to build a strong two years and am now a member of contacts network which will be useful for this position.” the University Senate. This means I’ve The C&C officer has overall responsibility for the Union had real experience of how the Union is website, which at the moment is a little slow to update. run. I’ve also worked at both the St. What are you going to do to improve it?

David’s Hall and the New Theatre.”

“The whole system will be changed before I start the job What are you going to do to if I am elected the whole website will improve.” the Union website?

CHRIS DIXON EMMA BEBINGTON but HELEN DORRITT improve RICHARD How will you improve the Union’s image ?

“I would promote it amongst students What previous experience have you got to bring to this job?

“I have five key points to do this, including using the Global far more than at present, especially at Fresher’s Fayre. I’d email “I’ve worked for AIESEC for three years and have gained experience in Village and volunteering. students to encourage involvement and get societies on board.”

What previous experience have you got to bring to this job?

Human Resources. I’ve also been part of the Royal Naval Unit for three years How will you improve the Union’s image?

“I am the AU’s Head of Communications this year and have organised it I’ve completed practical leadership schemes and attended skills workshops. I’ve What previous experience do you have?

“I’d utilise forms of media such as the local press and radio to for two years. worked on SUC for three years and on the Senate, as well as the Merger Alliances “I've been on the campaigns committee and Ethical and promote student community initiatives such as Rag and Shag.”

What’s your policy on Cardiff’s continued affiliation to NUS? Team.”

Environmental committee for two years.

“It’s part of Cardiff’s identity to be part of NUS Wales.

We’re the second biggest What’s your policy on Cardiff’s continued affiliation to NUS? In my spare time I've been running a food campaign with What experience do you have?

Union in the country so it’s good to keep that identity. I will be investigating the “I can’t really comment on this issue until Caz Noyes meets with the Finance Residences & Catering and homeless charities in Cardiff. I've “I've worked for both the value for money we get from the NUS however.”

Officer for NUS Wales on Tuesday. However, I’d definitely keep the relationships also been part of multi-departmental communication.”

Marketing and Events Department What’s your position on tuition fees and top-up fees? strong between our Union and NUS in the coming year.”

What are you going to do to improve the Union in the Union, and so have knowledge “I will fully support NUS Wales’ efforts to work against tuition fees. I will encourFINBARR GRAHAM What’s your position on tuition fees and top-up fees? website? of how the Union works from both “I’m not for them, but I’m even more against graduate tax. I’d support the lobby GAVIN RAMJAUN age democracy through protests, advise student “There are technical difficulties but we should make it a sides. I've had an active role on the Staff BEN COAK campaigners and make everyone more aware. centre of student life with easy access to the website.

Student Panel and helped organise the The SUC minutes should also be on it.”

What previous experience have you got to bring to this job?

Grants not Fees campaign.”

Yes, it’s Hogwarts’ very own amateur wizard How will you improve the “I was the International Affairs officer in my final year of university and I am the academic affairs officer What are you going to do to munchkin, Ron Weasley.

He’s running for all the sabbatical Union’s image ? now. These positions have given me valuable experience - I have sat on 18 university committees. I have improve the Union website? positions - in fact he’s running for every position!

NICOLA MORGAN “I think its profile needs to be raised “The food collection very good links with the university. I also have good people skills and I’m approachable.”

Is he using his magical powers to attempt total domination campaign, with a little in order to get more people involved. I would work to create What’s your policy on Cardiff’s continued affiliation to NUS? of the Union? effort from student “I agree with affiliation with the NUS. The solidarity makes a big difference despite the large sums we have to better communication between the societies and those running No - he’s just running for a fair, democratic election. volunteers, should pay. But I will constantly review the situation to ensure the maximum benefits for the union.” the website.”

RON actually stands for Re-Open Nominations, and means help as the student What’s your position on tuition fees and top-up fees?

How will you improve the Union’s image? that if you think all the candidates are simply a bad joke, body will be giving to the “I would continue to support the work the Vid car does to “I believe in active campaigning and demonstrations against fees. I believe that we should return to maintenance MINELLE GHOLAMI grants.”

RON vote for RON and we all go back to square one with a new local homeless.” promote quietness in the community.”

EQUAL OPPS. & W E L FA R E What previous experience do you have?

“I’ve helped to co-ordinate the One World One Week initiative within the Union last year. I’ve also been involved in the successful Global Village events and am currently a part of a student NATASHA HETTIHEWA production of The Vagina Monologues which aims to highlight domestic issues for both men and women.”

How will you ensure that all students are aware of their rights in terms of renting housing?

“The Union already has very good housing policies. I aim to support that and also make sure more people know that an equal opportunities and welfare officer exists. I want to promote unity within the Union as well as more interaction between sabbatical officers, the non-sabs and students.

As the job title makes clear, this officer has special responsibility for equal opportunities policy and the bilingual policy. Do you have any plans for ways to positively promote both policies within the Union?

“I think that when enforcing the bilingual policy within the Union, posters shouldn't just be ripped down; the reasons should be explained.

“I'd really like to see students able to tackle any discrimination on their courses and not worry about the consequences for their grades.”

election!

S O C I E T I E S & U N I O N S E C R E TA R Y

RAMI

What previous experience have you got to bring to this job?

“As my college president, I ran and organised my college Engineering Foundation Year, so have considerable experience in organisation and leadership.”

Part of the Secretary’s job is to ensure that all positions on Students’ Union Council (SUC) are filled. This year there are roughly 40 places filled out of 120. What are you going to do to promote the Council more effectively?

“I aim to improve communication, posters and promotion for the election as I believe that this year it was inadequately promoted. The poster campaign will be University wide; as well as this I aim to increase the nomination time.”

4. You are also responsible for Union transport and the Nightbus service. What are you going to do to improve these services?“ “I think that there should definitely be an increase in University buses, at regular times, to prevent such incidents as the GOUSSOS horrific sexual attacks I also fully support the Union patrol car initiative and think this scheme should be extended.”

FINANCE & COMMERCIAL SERVICES

GUY CLAYTON What previous experience have you got?

“I’ve been a member of SUC for the last two years, and I plan to be a very committed finance officer.”

How will you improve the competitiveness of the Union bars and outlets?

“The potential of the bars needs to be maximised, particularly the Seren Las. I would plan to change the decor in the Seren las and bring in new promotion drinks. If promoted correctly we can thrive on our low prices.”

Do you support the Union’s ethical and environmental purchasing policy?

“Yes, I’m totally committed. In fact it is one of my manifesto pledges.”

Do you have any plans for the Union’s loyalty card scheme?

“It’s an excellent idea but not being used as well as it could be. I would bring in more bonuses for students using the cards. It is potentially a very resourceful and profitable idea for students and the Union alike.”

MICHAEL RABJOHNS What previous experience have you got?

“I grew up in a very finance-related environment as my family owns an accountancy firm.

On my course I did a year in Industry and was very involved in budgeting and book-keeping.”

How will you improve the competitiveness of the Union bars and outlets?

“Students want to view the Union as much cheaper than the High Street.

“I have already met with Jason Dunlop, the General Manager, to liase with him over improved promotions.”

Do you support the Union’s ethical and environmental purchasing policy?

“I am definitely committed. It is increasingly important but I don’t think it is publicised well enough. Students aren’t good enough yet in areas such as recycling. I will do more to promote this.”

Do you have any plans for the Union’s loyalty card scheme?

“The card is an excellent idea and we should extend it to the whole of the union, especially the Union shop.”

AU PRESIDENT What experience do you have?

“I have been skiing from four years old. In 2001 I won the European Dryskiing Championship. I also run both the ski and surf clubs, giving me organisational experience.

What will you do to improve sport facilities and clubs at the University?

“I think that an important feature lacking in Cardiff sport is international representation. I will THOMAS BROWN try to increase our sporting status abroad, partly by different sporting tours, perhaps on a charity basis - even to the 3rd world.”

What will you do to improve participation in sports?

“Early promotion to Freshers, with the possibility of maybe two or three Sports Fayres as opposed to the currrent one.”

What experience do you have?

“I’ve been involved in football club committees for more than two years. I am Vice-Captain of Cardiff FC 1st team. I also did three months of soccer coaching in the USA - taking responsibility for large groups of players.”

JAMES PARKINSON What will you do to improve sport facilities and clubs at the University?

“Money is an extremely important factor. I will try and get more of it made available to improve facilities.

Sponsorship is a possible avenue to try and secure more funds.”

What will you do to improve participation in sports?

“The advertising for Fresher’s Fayre needs to be better.

Any students wanting to set up a new team would be Hefin was not available for interview given full support from me. Possibly I’d like to introduce at time of going to press Handball.”

LAURA WELSH What previous experience have you got?

“I have an innate knowledge of how the company works. I have links with the People and Planet society, and the company side of NUSSL as a conference member.”

How will you improve the competitiveness of the Union bars and outlets?

“I believe that the shop should offer more variety, with the possibility of extending it to an off-license and grocery. I think that the union would benefit from another bar in the great hall, especially at gigs. I also believe that the union should concentrate on three main nights, as opposed to the current situation.”

Do you support the Union’s ethical and environmental purchasing policy?

“My involvement with People and Planet shows my awareness and interest in these issues; I support the fair-trade initiative fully.”

Do you have any plans for the Union’s loyalty card scheme?

“I think that the card system could be extended to the shop also. Societies’ cards could also be used to gather points for clubs and societies.“

HEFIN EVANS

What experience do you have?

“I do part-time work for a company called Challenge World UK. It’s a very high pressure environment and has given me plenty of “people” experience. I’m also the club captain for the netball teams - there are four in BUSA this year.”

What will you do to improve sport facilities and clubs at the University?

“I will look at improving communication between clubs . I will also be emphasising MICHELLE FLAHERTY equipment maintenance, possibly through Kit & Maintenance Officers for all clubs.”

What will you do to improve participation in sports?

“I think it’s important to get outside inspiration to see what else we could be doing. I will look at other university AUs to see which clubs are doing well and what might work in Cardiff.”

What experience do you have?

“I am currently an AU vice president and also a SUC member. As the captain of the Cardiff Lacrosse Club I have considerable sporting experience, which extends to international lacrosse for Wales.

“I have also played regional and KIA SMITH county tennis, and have short tennis coaching experience.”

What will you do to improve sport facilities and clubs at the University?

“I will aim to ensure that budgets are distributed fairly at the start of the year, so that clubs have adequate funding and equipment.”

What will you do to improve participation in sports?

“I think that AU clubs should be more open to ideas and development. I also think that the AU should be more concerned with developing and promoting the current facilities and their improvement.

GAIR RHYDD EDITOR What experience could you bring to this position?

“I’ve been a contributor to the gair rhydd now since 2000 and a sub-editor for the past year so I know how the paper runs.

From experience in other media areas such as music websites and television production I have a fully rounded knowledge of media.

The paper has been produced fortnightGEMMA JONES ly this year. What would be your policy on returning it to a weekly?

“I think the paper should stay fortnightly, although it does mean sports and news is behind. But the quality of the paper has improved, and I’d like to follow on from where Gemma left off. I want to maintain this improvement and get back to award-winning standards.”

What will you do to involve more students in the paper and make more use of the training opportunities?

“I’d make full use of the Fresher’s Fayre to recruit people. More socials for all the contributors would make the gair rhydd less of a clique and I’d aim to add a Welsh section. I’d like to organise training as well as help to improve understanding of Quark, Photoshop and digital technology.”

What experience could you bring to this position?

“I’ve been an editor with gair rhydd for three years. My role as Deputy Editor this year has made me realise how much the Editor does for the Union as a whole. I’ve contributed for a number of different papers, including the News of the World.”

The paper has been produced fortTRISTAN THOMAS nightly this year. What would be your policy on returning it to a weekly?

“I’m desperate to get the paper weekly to be honest. News and Sport have suffered this year and some of the articles have been printed nearly two weeks after the event. That’s not good enough.

However I will make the GRIP insert fortnightly, allowing music, film, arts, features etc. more time to produce their pages.”

What will you do to involve more students in the paper and make more use of the training opportunities?

“If you have a good paper people will want to get involved. I also think a magazine, with an entirely different design and tone would give contributors something inspiring to write for.”

A C A D E M I C A F FA I R S O F F I C E R What relevant experience do you have?

“I have been a student activist in three universities now, and am currently the Postgraduate Officer on the student executive. I have actively supported NUS campaigns and protests over the years, and have now been involved in the SUC for over twoand-a-half years.”

How will you support the work of the staff-student panels in every departDAVID MANNING ment in the University?

“One of my manifesto pledges is to train course representatives and offer them full support. I also intend to compile a course rep handbook to be distributed to all positions. I think it is important for awareness to be increased by going out on campus and writing letters.

How will you ensure that all students know their rights with respect to academic appeals and course/lecturer issues?

“A number of regulations seem dated and irrelevant; I think it’s important to publicise key issues relevant to students, and will implement with a poster campaign to students.”

What relevant experience do you have?

“I believe I will represent a fresh change. I also have experience of committees and meetings.”

How will you support the work of the staff-student panels in every department in the University?

“Everything I have planned is in my manifesto which voters should look at. I BILLY LEE think it is very important to publicise the work of the staff-student panel.”

How will you ensure that all students know their rights with respect to academic appeals and course/lecturer issues?

“I will be putting a face out there, being approachable and operating an open door. Students need to know that the academic affairs officer is not just the last resort.”

The Non-Sabbs

Election guide page six

03 March 2003

Meet your

candidates I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S

ALAN JONES

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I was brought up in Belgium by bilingual parents. I went to a 12-language school. I have lots of experience of dealing with different cultures.”

What new ideas do you have for the job?

“When you are an international student you want to experience the culture of the country you are studying in. I will organise trips and events in conjunction with STA travel to see Wales and Britain.”

WANG YING

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I speak English, Chinese, Japanese, Spanish and French. I used to be a student reporter and worked for a major newspaper for three years.”

What new ideas do you have for the job?

“I will provide new international students with a welcome pack in their own language, with essential information for living in the UK. I will also hold more WANG social events to help international students get involved with British culture.”

G AY & B I S E X U A L O F F I C E R

LEE GREGORY

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I hope to get experience through doing this. I will look forward to it.”

What new ideas do you have for positively promoting the interests of gay and bisexual students and protecting them from discrimination?

“I'll actively involve society members and be campaigning for feedback and to get ideas.”

M AT U R E S T U D E N T S O F F I C E R

JANINE JONES

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I currently stand as the mature students’ officer and I wish to continue this role next year. I have a two-and-a-half year old daughter who uses the University crèche, and can understand and sympathise the needs of other mature students as one myself.”

What will you do to ensure mature students feel they have a voice within the Union and University, and deal with the problems they may face in returning to study in later life?

I am currently running a poster campaign to increase awareness amongst mature students, with the aim of getting all their email and phone numbers, with the final aim of restarting the mature students’ society, which has been dormant for a while.”

WOMEN’S OFFICER

CARALYN

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I am currently the President of the Women’s Group, so I interact with female students and understand what they want in terms of representation.”

What new ideas do you have for positively promoting the interests of female students, women’s health and protecting them from sexism?

“I am planning to run a safety campaign, with free attack alarms and assertiveness classes. I am going to run a positive body image campaign, RICHARDS focusing on eating disorders and making sure freshers eat well when they come away from home for the first time.”

X P R E S S R A D I O S TAT I O N M A N A G E R

KAREN SHARP

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I've been Head of Producers for the last year and involved with all the show teams.

I'm increasing broadcast standards and stressing the importance of technical competence and show planning.”

What will you do to ensure more students are involved and trained?

I want to get XPress into the community. I want societies to be able to use us as we are here to provide a service. I also want to make it a rewarding society.”

ELIN DAVIES

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I'm Head of Events and so I've had to work with all sorts of people and societies within the Union. I'm actively involved with many of the teams at XPress.”

What will you do to ensure more students are involved and trained?

“I'm a full believer in the fact that it should be a student service. Other societies should be promoted on the station as it's theirs too. The station should support the Union as the better the Union is perceived, the better it is for XPress.”

GAIR RHYDD DEPUTY EDITOR

ALEX

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I've contributed to almost every section and I've been TV Editor for the past year. I have experience with the computer programmes and I know the office social scene. I have contributed to national publications and had work experience on local papers.”

What will you do to better co-ordinate the section editors of GR and ensure all pages are finished on time for deadlines?

MACPHERSON “Liaise better and talk to other editors. And we should be tougher on deadlines.”

RIATH

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I've been writing for newspapers for over four years. I've done all sorts of writing from magazines to papers and online journalism.”

What will you do to better co-ordinate the section editors of GR and ensure all pages are finished on time for deadlines?

“We need more efficiency and communication. The Editor can't be expected to AL-SAMARRAI constantly monitor everything so I'm more than willing to help out.”

AU VICE PRESIDENTS

PHIL MOODY

What experience will you bring to the job?

“I am the current captain of Cardiff’s 1st XI Hockey team. My course allows me quite a bit of free time that I would like to dedicate to this role.”

What new ideas do you have for the role?

“I believe there should be greater publicity for AU clubs, and especially for events like the AU auction.” JAMES

What experience will you bring to the job?

“I’ve been part of the IMG for three years and acted as secretary, treasurer and president of the Surf Club. I significantly increased its membership.”

What new ideas do you have for the role?

“I want to continue the involvement in Varsity, and make BEATTIE sure many clubs are involved in the auction.”

BETHAN

What experience will you bring to the job?

I’ve been a committee member of the Hockey Club for a year and also Social Secretary. That means I’ve organised nights out and the Hockey Ball.

What new ideas do you have for the role?

“I aim to promote minority sports, e.g. women’s SKILTON cricket. I will ensure disabled access to the AU.”

IMG CHAIR

BECA MURPHY

What experience will you bring to the job and how will it help you?

“I have worked for a youth organisation planning Netball, football, a choir and other kids clubs. This will provide me with the experience to be a success as IMG chair.”

What are you planning to do with the IMG league structures and to ensure the creation and development of new IMG teams?

“I intend to start a football cup similar to the netball cup. I also want more games for 3rd division teams because they are not playing enough at the moment. This is a side I really want to develop. I also want to improve communications between teams and captains and one of the ways of achieving this will be through the introduction of a captain’s pack which will contain contact sheets and other useful information currently lacking.”

No nominations were received for:

?

BLACK & ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER LESBIAN & BISEXUAL OFFICER STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER WELSH AFFAIRS OFFICER POSTGRADUATES OFFICER

...And of course they’re all running against Ron!

RON

Yes, it’s Hogwarts’ very own amateur wizard munchkin, Ron Weasley.

He’s running in the non-sabbatical elections for every position.

Is he using his magical powers to attempt total domination of the Union?

No - he’s just running for a fair, democratic election.

RON actually stands for Re-Open Nominations, and means that if you think all the candidates are simply a bad joke, vote for RON and we all go back to square one with a new election!

Election Information

03 March 2003

Election guide page seven

And here’s how to T

hose of us who were lucky enough to be here for last year’s elections will recall the big, bold steps our Students’ Union took into the future.

Never again would we use the antiquated pens, paper and ballot boxes, we were told. Now there were sleek, sophisticated machines to do all the hard work for us.

Counting, voting, electioneering - it was all

STEP 1

computerised and much easier. Everybody’s happy!

Except it didn’t quite work out like that. The computer gremlins reared their ugly heads and attacked, spreading their evil malaise of crashes, software bugs and misery wherever they went.

So, this year the Union is playing it safe. It’s back to the ballot boxes for us, my friends, and putting little crosses in little boxes.

Except it’s not crosses of course, it’s numbers.

Although we’ve headed back to the stone age in voting methods, the voting system is still very 21st century.

It’s not one cross for one guy, it’s lots of numbers for lots of people!

Confused yet? Then just read gair rhydd’s simple fourstep guide to voting in the Union elections 2003...

STEP 3

KNOW YOUR VOTING SYSTEM

The Union elections this year, like last year, are being run on the shiny new voting system known as “Single Transferable Vote”. Basically, this means that instead of putting one cross next to the one guy you want, you have to rank the candidates in order of preference. Your ballot paper might look like this: A.N. Other: 1 I. Mafake: 3 Donna Voetformi 2 This might sound needlessly complicated, but it’s actually more democratic because if your No.1 guy doesn’t make it, your vote isn’t “wasted” - it can then be counted as a secondary preference for someone else! Isn’t democracy wonderful?

WHERE TO VOTE

Between 9am and 5pm on March 18 to March 20 you can vote in: ● The Union first and second floors (until ● Redwood Building cybercafe 9pm on Tuesday) ● Humanities coffee shop ● The Graduate Centre ● Aberconway snackbar ● The Trevithick Building ● Tower Building cybercafé ● Maths Building cybercafe ● Biosciences Building ● Bute Building coffee shop ● The Med Club at Heath Hospital ● Glamorgan Building coffee shop Between 12pm and 7pm you can vote in the following Halls: Aberdare Hall (at reception) ● Talybont (at the Social Centre) ● University Hall (in the refectory) ●

STEP 2

WHEN’S THE ELECTION AGAIN?

Here’s when everything even slightly relevant to the Union elections is happening: Friday March 7 Campaigning begins Tuesday March 11 at 6.30pm Students’ Union Council in Council Room, Union Fourth Floor.

Tuesday March 13 at 1pm Non-sabbatical candidates’ hustings in Seren Las Tuesday March 13 at 7pm Sabbatical candidates’ Question Time in the Council Room, Union Fourth Floor ● Tuesday March 18 Union Annual General Meeting: Voting begins ● Thursday March 20 Voting ends, election count begins at 7pm ● Monday March 24 Results published ● Monday March 31 gair rhydd Election special: your inside track on the tension and drama of the night ● ● ● ●

STEP 4

HOW TO VOTE

So you’re stood by the ballot box, and you want to know what to do next. Well, it’s simple.

The only thing you need to be able to vote is a Union/NUS card, so show it to the nice people there and you’re away.

You will be presented with a list of positions (much like the one on page 3 of this excellent pullout) and the people running for those positions.

As explained above, rank them in your order of preference. You don’t have to vote for all the positions, and you don’t have to rank everyone there - you can leave some or all of them blank.

If you don’t understand any of this, don’t worry - there will be helpful people standing near the ballot boxes who will be able to explain it far better than a sleepdeprived student hack!

No democracy please, we’re students?

W

ell, it’s that time of year again.

Manifestos p l a s t e r e d everywhere, being mobbed on the union steps by randoms and being dragged into your refectory to vote for people you’ve never heard of.

It’s sabbatical election time, only this year there’s a slight twist, with the non-sabbatical elections being held at the same time which inevitably means the scale of campaigning will be doubled.

However, despite such fierce campaigning every year by potential candidates and coverage by Cardiff Union’s student media, election turnouts appear to mirror the national trend of government elections, being pretty poor by most people’s standards.

The last four elections saw a turnout of no more than 23 per cent, which is by

We’re a lazy bunch, it seems - student turnout is normally very low, with some recent elections not even managing more than 20 per cent. Anna Hodgekiss examines why

n o m e a n s terrible but a little disappointing in a university of this size and with such a strong Students’ Union.

The average number of voters in each recent year could fill Solus no more than one and a half times.

You only have to look around our Union to see that it’s an extremely busy place: at least three nights a week in Solus sell out before they even begin.

Go into the shop or Seren Las at lunchtime and observe their popularity – the queue says it all.

So whilst it seems many of us visit the Union frequently, the vast majority fail to think what goes on behind the scenes.

Who is responsible for organising your IMG game on a Wednesday afternoon? Who makes sure you get fair representation when your coursework marks plummet unfairly? Who can you visit when your landlord screws you over and doesn’t return your bond?

It’s the people that you vote for in these elections!

Why is it that so few of us

vote? Is it really that we can’t be bothered?

Current executive officers had their own ideas as to why turnout persisted so low.

As an overseas student herself, Academic Affairs Officer Minelle Gholami believes that many international members feel the Union is orientated more towards home students and are inclined not to vote.

She stresses that “the Union is for all students”.

Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer Emma Bebington feels that lack of awareness was partly to blame.

“People don’t want to vote for people they don’t know much about,” she said.

It is possible that students just have too many other things to worry about - such as the issue of student debt.

So, it would seem that most people fail to vote through sheer laziness or lack of information. However, if you’re reading this election pull-out then you should have a certain degree of knowledge

on the big event - so there’s no excuse!

Remember that the winning candidates will have a lot of power within the Union next year and even if you’re a final year student, surely you want

those following you through uni to get as much out of the delightful brown brick building as you did. Even if it was just throwing up your Jobshop earnings after a night out in Jive!

THE UNION ELECTIONS YOUR VIEWS Adam Drudge, second year English Language: “I think the executive’s very inaccessible and you hear nothing about it during the year.

“Suddenly, the elections come round and people have no idea what they’re voting for. Every candidate promises the same sort of thing so how do you differentiate?”

Katy Lee, third year Business: “Most people don’t care which is quite sad really. I reckon a fair few only vote because they’re hassled enough by campaigners everywhere and want to be left alone!”

Ben Twiss, third year Economics: “Most third years feel like it doesn’t affect them.

“Also, I don’t think a lot of people realise what it takes to run the Union”.

Election guide page eight

The Alternative Election Guide

03 March 2003

Union elections You should, really, but they’re hardly the most exciting event in the Union calendar, right? Wrong! Charlotte Spratt presents the alternative guide to the elections, full of mishaps, gambling, idiots and most importantly - sweets!

A

nother year, another election… For those who have not experienced election time, be warned.

You are about to get hassled every time you walk up the union steps or try to have a boogie in Jive.

Every Tom, Dick or Sebastian running for a position in the union will try to entice you to vote for them by plying you with gummi

bears whilst singing along to some "cleverly" adapted song and trying to assure you that by voting for them the world (or the Union at least) will be put to rights.

And though most of you will not give a monkey’s who is in power next year, you might be slightly more concerned if the price of a pint goes up by a pound in the Taf, gair rhydd stops its legendary output of quality

wit and the AU stops funding your sports club.

Ho hum indeedy, it is a serious issue therefore.

But whilst it remains to be seen if the candidates can churn out any original promises, it is safe to predict that the same old tactics will be employed to get you to vote – lollipops, badges, promises for a better tomorrow...

But will it actually change

anything in the union?

Will the building suddenly began to look like a palace of architectural wonder instead of a pile of lego bricks arranged by a slightly disturbed three year-old?

Will the football team be training with Pat Rice and the rugby players with Nigel Melville?

The cynical side in me believes that little will change whoever gets in, so bogged

GAMBLE YOUR LIFE A W AY

down is the union in constitution.

Yet each year we are seeing subtle changes, from the union’s slowly extending drinking license, renovation of the Taf and uniformity of quality in gair rhydd and spending across societies and clubs.

Not only that but your Union officers actually play a large role in representing you as students.

USE THE GAIR RHYDD ELECTION BADGE

Why not run your very own Election sweepstake for you and your housemates to indulge in and hopefully earn a bit more beer money?

Every player should add a specified amount to the kitty: 50p, £1, however much you stingy bastards can afford.

Each player should then choose a candidate for each sabbatical and non-sabbatical position, write it on paper and seal in an envelope.

Once the results have been announced, the person with the closest results gets the money (and then puts it in an envelope and sends it to me, c/o gair rhydd penthouse suite, top of the union, Cardiff, Wales, The World).

Happy gambling, and see you in Vegas!

How to make the elections more fun!

Tired of election campaigners dogging your steps like overenthusiastic puppies? Yes? Then simply utilise our cut-out’n’keep “Don’t Hassle Me” badge!

N.B. THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO NOT VOTE.

WHORE YOUR VOTE FOR SWEETS As you may or may not have gathered by now, it’s the habit of a large throng of election campaigners to congregate on the Union steps.

Usually these generous people give away lots of confectionery in what is doubtless a futile attempt to garner votes.

So why not play them for suckers? Start at the top or bottom of the steps and walk up and down repeatedly, collecting jellybabies, liquorice allsorts, wine gums and chocolates from any people forgetful or stupid enough to give them to you!

DON’T HASSLE ME I’M LATE FOR LECTURES

My phone’s in your pint 1999

2000

£1.41 - THE PRICE OF FAILURE

AU VOTE DESCENDS INTO CHAOS

That’s how much Peter Moon overran his budget in his bid to become General Secretary (now known as Societies and Union Secretary).

Every candidate in Union elections is given a strict budget of £30 - basically so rich students can’t buy their way to the top.

But Moon did his sums wrong - and overspent by just £1.41.

The former Christian Union President obviously had high morals - he declared the overspend honestly.

But the price of a pint cost him a job - shame really, as the count indicated he had been on course to win!

Students were left confused on voting day after two people ran jointly for Athletic Union President.

Many students thought they were running against each other - leading to hundreds of spoilt ballot papers.

Jodie Savage and Lizzie Wright-Roberts were eventually elected joint AU Presidents, but their total votes were dwarfed by the number of mistakes.

2001 UPSET STOMACHS AND BROKEN PHONES Rohan Tambyraja was absent

Believe it or not they do a lot of work behind the scenes working with MPs, Welsh Assembly Members, the press and other pressure groups trying to get your tuition fees down (or at least not increased), trying to improve student housing, working on various student campaigns and generally trying to make student life better.

If you elect monkeys next year, then what will happen

from his own victory in the contest for Equal Opps and Welfare Officer after suffering an allergic reaction to his preresults meal.

And incoming Societies and Union Secretary James Sommerville’s mobile phone mysteriously ended up in someone’s pint. Was it sabotage?

FOURTH FLOOR RIVALRY Cheeky Xpress Radio types were overheard declaring that gair rhydd editor was “an easy job”, obviously forgetting that all they do is talk.

GR editorial staff challenged the part-time slackers to a fight in the playground - jumpers for goalposts.

Needless to say, they didn’t turn up. Losers.

2002 GARETH HISCOCKS UP In his excitement to become President, Gareth Hiscock ‘forgot’ he wasn’t actually a student.

Although he was already Mature Students Officer, the Academic Registry didn’t seem to have any record of him attending Cardiff University.

Not a student? Not the President of our Union either then...

However, Gareth has since found gainful employment as a delivery driver for gair rhydd. Every fortnight he is a branded as a legend!

HACK ATTACK Last year’s election also saw dramatic scenes on the

...and other stories: A potted history of the lighter side of Union elections

Union’s third floor as one of gair rhydd’s fine journalists was set upon by the lairy (and hairy) boyfriend of one of the election losers.

When Maria Lane’s bid for GR Editor failed, her boyfriend threw his toys out of the pram and turned on Sports lothario Michael Pearlman.

Now we blame Pearlo for many things (conflict in the Middle East, Down’s syndrome, the list goes on…) but it was possibly unfair to lamp a hapless journalist for an unfavourable election result...

This meant that the winner of the AU Presidency was not declared until sixteen hours after the scheduled announcement.

Sports Editor Chris “Dr Fox” Wathan hung the boxers he’d been wearing for over twentyfour hours on the wall of the office.

A year on, they’re still there…

COMPUTER GREMLINS

Despite promises that the new computer voting system would speed up counting, a computer crash meant some of the paper had to be inputted manually.

The GR Sport noticeboard: isn’t it charming, ladies?

15

GRiP

MATCHBOX 20 More Than You Think You Are Atlantic Records Matchbox 20 have had some success as a band, a top ten debut album and relatively successful second album. Yet the biggest impact has been made by lead singer Rob Thomas’ collaboration with Santana on the Grammy award winning Smooth. If you haven’t heard any of their other stuff, you get a very good idea of how they sound from that single-their music is overshadowed by Thomas’ powerful, if a little forced, vocals.

More Than You Think You Are, their third album, sounds more like a full band playing than their previous efforts. Their attempts to innovate - throwing in rougher alternative rock tracks like Disease, co-written with Mick “please empty my colostomy bag” Jagger, into their patented soft-rock ballads - fall flat.

Despite having potentially radio-friendly singles the album is let down by the forced, overly sincere vocals and cliched lyrics. Don Sinclair-Smith

★★

GARY NUMAN Hybrid Jagged Halo Deeply un-fascinating idea for an album. Rather than shove out another Greatest Hits shebang, Gary Numan has forced his back catalogue upon some unsuspecting remix no-marks like Flood, Sulphur and Curve with a post-it note, saying “Wow guys, do you think you could make all my songs sound like Nine Inch Nails please? Cheers” .

As with most remix albums, it’s a mixed bag. Although usually it’s the quality of the original rather than the remix that determines the quality, Hybrid proves somewhat of a diversion. Not least because everyone’s two favourite Numan tracks, Cars and Are Friends Electric are by far the worst tracks here, probably because the sheer number of times they’ve already been reworked, all that’s left is to plonk loads of flutes and

★★★

REBELSKI Thanks For Your Thoughts Heavenly Whilst during the day Martin Rebelski plays keyboards for Doves, at night he tinkers about in his studio crafting gems of his own. Taking references from the recent output of Four Tet or Icelandic melody-smiths Mum , his debut solo release is a superb collection of tracks ranging from the gentle soundscapes of Three to the rustic funk of Scarecrow.

Inventive, relaxing and showing a wide variety of ideas Thanks For Your Thoughts is as good a chill out album as you’ll get all year. Just shows you don’t always need your “feathered” friends to shine. Andy Parsons

★★★★

OOBERMAN Hey Petrunko Rotodisc Yes, the band who bring a new meaning to the word ‘twee’ are back, complete with pretty pictures of fields and stars in the sleeve and songs entitled Bluebell Morning and Dreams In The Air. It’s all as star-gazingly drippy as ever – “we ran through the woods again, there was sunlight on the stream again” offers First Day Of The Holidays, a song which skips along in a veritable frenzy of

joy - and it’s best if those of a cynical frame of mind keep a ready finger on the skip button. Particularly unforgivable is the sample of a baby giggling on Where Did I Go Wrong?; Myra Hindley suddenly seems a far more sympathetic character. Yet it’s never as insufferable as, say, Belle & Sebastian, and Ooberman’s knack for a killer tune showcased on the lovely Running Girl, a supreme example of less-is-more, and the very, very odd Snake Dance - goes a long way towards redeeming their more cloying tendencies. Alex Macpherson

★★★

TURIN BRAKES Ether Song Source So what ever happened to the New Acoustic Movement? Possibly the perfect example of the NME trying to package bands for journalism ease, the ill fated new wave of gentle guitar music has quietly shuffled off to the library to read up its poetic verse, leaving us with a handful of small but perfectly formed bands who weathered the storm.

Following up a commercially and critically successful debut is a hard task for any band, but Olly and Gale have pulled out all the stops with producer Tony Hoffer to give their songs more drive, excitement and power. Recorded in a more live set up than their bedsit and microphone debut, Ether Song draws you in slowly with openers Blue Hour and Average Man then hits you with the sucker punch; the soaringly beautiful Long Distance. Later standouts Panic Attack and Full Of Stars reinforce the quality which this album oozes. If you thought their debut was good, prepare to be blown away.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

SIMPLE PLAN No Helmets, No Pads, Just Balls East West Every picture tells a story, they say.

The front cover of this latest release

from French-Canadian Bowling For Soup-understudies, Simple Plan screams “Wahey! five crazy guys playing pop punk songs about girls and aliens! but are about as socially unacceptable at this age as wetting myself!” Which is a lucky coincidence...

Everybody knows the pop punk score by now. Either you take yourselves seriously and are fucking boring (hello Good Charlotte) or you completely toss about and sing songs about crashing your dad’s car and how you can’t have sex with hot chicks, and are the best thing ever. Simple Plan’s simple plan then, is to jump straight into pool B, which is a relief, songs of almost unrivalled genius like God Must Hate Me and Addicted, both operate waltz and swing time signatures (is there anything they can’t do?) whilst dealing with many hilarious puns and wafer-thin emotions.

On the grand conveyer belt of nouveau-punk, SP are better than Bowling For Soup, but not as good as New Found Glory. And you know that’s no bad place to be. John Widdop

★★★★

DVD:CHRIS MORRIS My Wrongs 8245-8249 & 117 Warp Films Based on the Blue Jam Rothko monologue comes Chris Morris’ debut short film, a twisted tale of a man who discovers his dog can talk. Acting as his lawyer Rothko (the dog) literally drags him into more and more trouble. This Bafta award winning DVD also comes with a remix from video nasties The Cakemix Cartel and a slightly surreal commentary from the production’s runner.

Visually surreal, and wickedly funny, My Wrongs demonstrates that Morris’ talent hasn’t waned over the years since the original Blue Jam recordings. It’s looking far more likely that his future lies with the silverscreen rather than the cathode tube and hopefully with the backing of Warp Films a full feature won’t be long in arriving. Now that’ll be something worth seeing. Andy Parsons

★★★★★

Roll in the talent

Could you be the next cheeky Bandits?

“Most bands have to play whenever they can get a show,” explains Owain “whereas we’re creating an event where people know when to come down to see it. There’s a lot of advertising for it and that creates a buzz about it. It creates a showcase for them: as opposed to creating gigs for themselves, it gives them something they can be apart of.”

“I like to think it’ll help local bands get the step-up that they need,” continues Becky, “but, other than that, it creates a

place you can go to hear quality music.

I want to spread an appreciation of old music and new music - quality music rather than mass commercialism.”

After a low-key opening night last January and a performance by The Keys in February, Bandwagon’s next outing occurs on March 25. In the meantime, Becky and Owain request demos from local bands (contact www.bandwagoncardiff@hotmail.com) as they scout Cardiff for future stars.

Music

Less than two years ago, Gary Murphy, frustrated with having to plead for regular gigs for his band to play, set up a monthly event at the Zanzibar Club in Liverpool under the name The Bandwagon. Fast-forward to the present and Murphy’s band, The Bandits, are on the verge of commercial breakthrough, recently supporting Oasis and riding the wave of a scene centred closely around the club night he began. Of course, others have passed through Bandwagon on their way: The Coral and The Music you will already be familiar with; while others, such as The Crescent, follow closely behind.

Following the success of Bandwagon, attracting an NME feature last autumn, Cardiff’s Toucan Club now hosts its own version of the acclaimed night. Former Cardiff student, Becky Wedlake, talks us through how this came to be: “I became involved in [Bandwagon]

after I interviewed The Bandits for the gair rhydd back in September and became really good friends with them and, particularly, with Gary. He’s had a lot of interest in having the night bought off him by various companies and sponsors but the whole thing about Bandwagon is that it’s such an underground thing, he wanted to keep that by opening them one-by-one, rather than have the whole chain”. Taking on board Owain Cooke following a chance meeting interviewing Nada Surf, the pair searched potential venues around Cardiff to house the club night, finally settling for the Toucan Club.

“It’s the atmosphere that hits you the moment you walk in, whether you go downstairs or upstairs. It’s got that kind of bohemian, laid-back, relaxed feeling, and that’s above all what we want to do.

We want people to relax and listen to good music - we don’t want to make it a club in that sense.”

Where Bandwagon has helped centralise and promote Liverpool’s music scene, similar hopes are held for Cardiff. Though plans exist for Liverpool bands to headline the opening months to help gain the club exposure, its promoters hope to revolve several local bands around this prestigious role once the club begins to take off.

albums/feature

M

aking the jump from Liverpool to Cardiff the Bandwagon showcase, aims to provide a stepping stone for the upcoming talent in the local area. Dave Gibson heads down to The Toucan Club to find out what it’s all about...

minimalist electronica on top. Which works out to his advantage really, as everyone knows they rule the school, and the other 15 or so tracks you never realised exist sound fantastic and more natural in their current form than in their previous incarnation (the versions of Dominion Day and Torn in particular). It’s not amazing, and certainly not as much fun as if say, The Bay City Rollers asked for a NIN makeover, but through the joy of unnecessity, the fact Gary still looks like an misanthropic businessman, and about three-fifths of the songs, Hybrid turns out to be superior in practice than theory. John Widdop

16

GRiP

Full metal racket

Photos: Jamie Fullerton

YEAH YEAH YEAHS/IKARA COLT/THE LOVES Barfly Who’s your new favourite band this week? If the retro-pop fun of The Loves fail to float your boat then Ikara Colt would be a respectable choice. Their blitzkrieg Fall-ist storm provides both a dousing of petrol and the strike of a match that ignite the perspiring venue with a whoomph of urgent punk roar. More likely still is that New York’s newest the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are topping your list.

Their particular gimmick is the lack of a bassist, yet still their garage rock maul is theoretically enough to cause lasting damage to the diaphragms of all present. Swaggering at the forefront with a Cheshire Cat beam is Karen O (think oriental Debbie Harry with New York coital snarl on a sherbet overdose), pirouetting in a flurry of rhythmic spasms to the soundtrack of her band’s grubby, melodious garage rock punctured by random Metallica rumble interludes and pogo hum-alongs.

It’s a gauntlet thrown down to challenge the accepted norms of everyday thrift shop rock that makes them the Stanley Kubricks of their genre, truly a full metal racket. Jamie Fullerton

Musilcive

n

Yeah Yeah Yeahs:Karen O putting the O in wOw!

CAVE IN/DÜREFORSÖG Bristol Fleece and Firkin When the lead singer of support act Düreforsög started the set off with a shoebox strapped to the top of his head, we all knew that something not quite right was about to happen. With a song called Meiow apparently dedicated to a cat they once knew, and lyrics which claimed “my brains gone out for breakfast . . . and I’m covered in scrambled eggs” they had the crowd laughing hysterically while at the same time being slightly unnerved.

Needless to say, Cave In took themselves slightly more seriously. This quartet from Boston rock away in a punky Foo Fighters style with proggy flourishes. However, Jupiter, their opening song failed to get the crowd going, and from then on in everyone stood politely nodding their heads, and unfortunately the gig suffered some technical difficulties with the lead singer, Stephen Brodsky, asking a number times for his vocals to be turned up.

They also had an annoying habit of linking songs with a distorted racket and the gig ended with Brodsky playing scales, whilst singing along at the same time. Inspired? No. Just self-indulgent rubbish. Despite this, it is clear that they do have some fantastic anthemic tunes like Youth Overrided which you’ll be humming to yourself for days after you’ve heard it. So not a great performance then, but the new album, out in March, has some cracking tunes on it. Charlie Jennings

THE CASANOVAS/FIGURE OF 8/ EMC Barfly EMC kicked off in a way that every group of cute teenage boys who like drinking beer should, with bouncy punk and a fun look that has unfortunately been sported by the criminal Avril Lavigne, but the other bands did not cement their enjoyable sound.

Figure Of 8 had Pink Floyd-esque lengthy intros and Joy Division vocals causing a sound too big for the stage and a static admiration amongst the crowd.

If the main act had been someone like Interpol they would have part of an amazing gig but with The Casanovas following there was an uneven mixture of emotions and energy.

Their diamond-hard rock lacked harmony, but they jumped around the stage in skin-tight black T-shirts like the best of the ‘The’ bands. However, one couldn’t help feeling a sense of desperation in their pleas to the audience to come to the front of the stage and “dance and shit”.

Part of the problem, I believe, was the

success of the two very different support bands. An eclectic night from three really decent bands who would all have done better with a bigger crowd and less conflicting music styles.

Morwenna Kearns

breakbeat. Unfortunately, that is all they did. Again and again. Without ever deviating from that formula. When you knew they had so much more to offer, it was hard not to be bitterly disappointed.

Ben Hammond

THE PAPER CHASE/ STANTON/CAT ON FORM Mole’s, Bath

ERLEND ØYE Bristol Fleece and Firkin

While both support bands manage to captivate the crowd (Stanton with gleefully off-kilter Fugazi style punk, and COF with fierce, fiery politics and seminudity), it is clear that the assembled throng are here for one band only. As The Paper Chase take to the stage, the air positively crackles with excitement, and after a brief introduction, the band launch into their unmistakable brand of itchy, agitated post-punk.

Each member of the band exudes their own individual (and in the case of huge-bearded bassist Weaver, frankly terrifying) stage presence, but all eyes are firmly fixed on frontman John Congleton. Wild-eyed, wailing, close to tears, a dervish of flailing limbs, Congleton is the kind of stilted, emotional genius Conor Oberst wishes he could be, and tonight, he lays himself bare to a soundtrack of spasmodic punk, discordant piano and bizarre sampling.

Like driving past a car crash you know it’s wrong, but you just can’t help staring.

Will Turnpenny

STANTON WARRIORS/CHICO FRESCO/WEST ONE Clwb Ifor Bach As usual, the tickets are vastly overpriced. As usual, the door policy is cold, verging on hostile. As usual, no effort has been made to enhance the dingy decor. Welcome to Clwb Ifor Bach. As a result of this, the crowd was sparse and unenthusiastic. More concerned with trying to score or come up on a poor batch of beans, they halfheartedly crept onto the dance floor in dribs and drabs.

Local boys Chico Fresco and West One did a fair job to hold the fort until the headliners bothered to turn up.

Alternating every other track, they spun a solid set of drum’n’bass and leftfield beats. Around 1am the Stanton Warriors took over and steadily upped the pace. Their blend of house and breakbeat encouraged the dance floor, but the atmosphere never went beyond lukewarm.

The two Westcountry lads had an effective rapport with each other; one fiddling with his laptop, whilst the other stuck to the decks. They skilfully raised anticipations with some uplifting house, before injecting serious seismic bass at the breakdown and then revelling in

With the current rise in profile of Norwegian music, Erland Øye was one of the first musicians to bring this trend to our shores. As one half of Kings Of Convenience, he brought us simple acoustic music that gently compelled with stories of love and loss. But for the time being, Erland is taking a brief break from his band because he wants to dance. And it is Erland’s dancing that is the centre of entertainment tonight.

After lulling his audience with a few songs just with his guitar, Erland gathers the dwindling crowd to the front and extends his microphone cable so he can do his moves across the stage. What follows is an intimate and fun run through tracks from his new album, Unrest, whilst Erland does some funky dancing geek-style.

There’s little variation in sound between tracks, all backed by wonky electro provided by his Finnish bandmates, but Erland’s character and uniquely quiet vocal style that makes this performance seem special.

Kathryn Archer

SMALL VICTORIES/THE LOVES Barfly So what does a 60s retro psychedelica outfit actually sound like then? The organ-led sky dance of The Doors? The effortless pop template of The Beatles?

The Loves of course are much to young to know, so derive their influences from Austin Powers interludes, looking like the cast of Scooby Doo and sounding as predictable as an episode synopsis.

Sure, the tunes are there to boogie too, but frontman Simon can barely be bothered to open his mouth. So much for Valentine’s Day. Fresh from a band cull are Small Victories, formerly Tommy And The Chauffeur. They’ve ousted out all but three of their old line-up and recruited fresh blood. They are an evolving band: no longer do they enrapture crowds with sky-soaring indie anthems (first and best Boobytrap single Having and Wanting doesn’t exist as far as they’re concerned), this new breed are a much darker affair. Holding On Hopefully pulls off dungeon-dark brooding yet top-ten tuneful with free-flowing ease, and Back To Bed America manages to resist the urge to crackle into a stabbing, acidic chorus until the victorious final run-in allowing the greased-up rollercoaster

verse to shimmer proudly.

As well as featuring the best bassline Cardiff has ever heard and a wonderful juxtaposition between James Chant’s bitter cry and James Milford’s swooshing nasal croon. So what are this band evolving into? With an album out soon and a nation waiting to be wooed, there’s a place at the very peak of the food chain waiting to be taken.

Jamie Fullerton

LOW/FORTDAX Bristol Academy The silence is deafening. The audience held in rapt admiration for one of America’s best kept secrets and one of the most beautiful bands in the world.

Featuring only the guitar of Alan Sparhawk, the frugal half drumkit of wife Mimi Parker and the low slung bass of Zak Sally, Low may not have the stage prescence of Avril Lavigne’s 16 drummers, but for aural attention they are second to none.

Previously however we have been nicely warmed up by rising electronic star Fortdax. Already making waves in the underground, his full debut Folly is one of the most hauntingly tranquil albums you’ll hear all year. Whilst his live show amounts to nothing more than pushing buttons, tracks like Cream Inside Your Spine melt deliciously in your inner ears, allowing you to shut your eyes and drift away.

The whispering beauty of Low’s Lazer Beam and the breathtaking majesty of Two Step leave the already quiet audience in a hushed awe. We want to be special, we want it to mean something. And it certainly does with Low pulling out the stops to bring their latest album Trust to life on stage.

Tonight’s only real audience participation is sparked by Zak asking us to sing along to the chorus of La La La Song in a very Sunday School style. The crowd are happy to wait until the breaks before showing their appreciation and shouting track suggestions (a now customary part of Low’s show). Although demands for early single Transmission are not upheld we do get barnstorming versions of singles Canada and Dinosaur Act, during which the man next to me starts to weep.

Although the band themselves are modest about their talents, it’s a real sign of the power that pure, simple but stunning music that can be created. The most surprising part of the evening is the near deafening performance of Lamb, which after the previous gentle reverie is like a shrap blow to the chest.

Finishing with a bluesed out version of Lordy from their split EP with the mighty Dirty Three we return home safe in the knowledge that we have witnessed something magical tonight.

Andy Parsons

17 THE RAVEONETTES Barfly The Raveonettes are in love. In love with a very specific world - an ideal of 50s B-movies, all seedy glamour, creative destruction and urban filth - but also in love with the faultless way in which they evoke it. Their name, for starters: a perfect, perfect amalgam of ravens, Ronettes and the exhortation to rave on. Their look: both Sune Rose Wagner and Sharin Foo are heartstoppingly beautiful, a boy in black and his statuesque, platinum blonde moll glaring out over the audience with vampire stares to find their reflections.

Their sound: clattering, cacophonic guitar chords ripped from revved-up motorcycle engines, exploding over propulsive, driving bass.

Juxtaposed with this electrifying backdrop are Wagner and Foo’s vocals, which stalk the streets of their world like predators looking for flesh. Too cool to sing properly, they deliver their lines in unison - a double-layered monotone, at once laconic and urgent, which prowls the territory between boredom and excitement to compelling effect. From James Dean to Holden Caulfield, it’s territory which has been thoroughly explored already - but that’s precisely why the Raveonettes love it, and why you’ll love them. Alex Macpherson

KINESIS/MISS BLACK AMERICA Barfly Miss Black America’s new line-up take to the stage clearly still suffering from a few new member-type teething problems. Nevertheless, singer Seymour Glass’s characteristic showmanship and passion pull his newly reformed band through the first few numbers. The standout moments arrive with Talk Hard and the rousing Miss Black America, the hardcore front row acclaiming their band’s return. After the gig, I overhear Seymour bemoaning his lack of a record deal for his new material, and you feel like this sums up his night: 100% perspiration and determination, but not backed up by the rest of his band.

Kinesis take to the stage in characteristic white tees with flowing black locks, resembling four young cartoon rock cardboard cut-outs. They

GRiP steam through the opening numbers before moving onto the moshtastic Billboard Beauty and Everything Destroys Itself. Their sound is a compromise between last year’s fad emo and a large slice of punk sloganeering. This is no bad thing, but tonight we hear the words “this one’s new” too often, which breaks up the crowd’s enthusiasm for the well-known songs, such as the melancholic Black Holes and the furious rocking closer And They Obey. Displaying so much promise, I think it’s still too early tag them as the “new Manics”, especially as they need to define who Kinesis wish to be first. Bill Cummings

LIVE MUSIC SOCIETY AND INDIESOC SHOWCASE: ICARUS THINKER/CHUCK NINJA/ JUNIPER/SEXY VEGAS SUPERSTARS Barfly Like drinking a glass of fresh orange juice the morning after a few too many Special Brews, this showcase made for something of a refreshing experience.

Indie-rocksters Icarus Thinker opened the proceedings peddling their Doveslike fusion of guitars and percussion.

Their excellent percussion nicely underpinned strong melodic vocals.

Chuck Ninja, the second band to play, then proudly displayed charismatic lyrics, making parody of the illegality of cannabis and the war on Iraq. With intricate drum solos, and inspirational fretwork/use of guitar effects console during a Led Zeppelin cover, it made for a truly awesome and inspiring example of new music.

On then to Juniper, a band fronted by two female vocalists intent upon proving themselves as the joint monarchs of harmonious authority. They competently combined nuances of indie, rock and reggae to the entertainment of all.

Sadly the night finished on a low: the aptly named Sexy Vegas Superstars were but a farce. Preoccupied with presentation than content, and dressed to the nines in suave twill, they featured a “crazee” scampster in monkey costume, only to have him sit glumly on the edge of the stage. ‘Twas tedium embodied, but aside from this a good night was had by all. Andrew Davidson

THE ATARIS/AUDIO KARATE/ ANTIFREEZE Newport TJ’s Like some bizarre schizophrenic, Antifreeze are one minute evoking the sound of emo-wailers Saves The Day, the next, with a swift change of singer, their punky growl echoes that of most Warped tour punksters out there today.

This repeated change of singer gave a distinct freshness to their sound, and with their rabid desire to be appreciated, gave their performance a desperate, yet electric quality. A definite highlight and a thoroughly enjoyable band.

Audio Karate, last seen hitting TJ’s with The Vandals, carry on the angstpunk proceedings with the added touch of some snarling, growling vocals.

Although overshadowed by Antifreeze, they still managed to get the crowd jumping and set up the pace nicely for tonights headliners - the awesome Ataris.

With their fun brand of pop-punk meets emo, The Ataris were on amazing form tonight. Showcasing songs from stunning new album So Long Astoria, Kris Roe, with his floppy-haired new look, and his band of merry men took us through a mountain of their best songs from their previous three albums.

Highlights include, Your Boyfriend Sucks, Teenage Riot and brilliant set closer San Dimas High School Football Rules, now famous for having a fan play guitar to it. This is The Ataris in a nutshell, loyal to their fans and fun. If you like your punk sugary and feelgood, then tonight was a definite must.

Gemma Jones

DEF LEPPARD/THE DARKNESS Newport Centre Think rock. Think BIG rock. Think BIG hairy rock. Yeah, you can stop thinking about The Datsuns now, because the amount they ‘under-rock’ The Darkness is almost pitiful. And as far as resurrecting the high-camp thrills of early-80s stadium rock goes, The Darkness out-rock pretty much everyone. Because y’see, that music’s all a big joke, and although Justin Hawkins’ falsetto, madness and clownlike scissorkicks aren’t really anything less than Spinal-Tap shenanigans, the

Music

According to frontman John Bramwell, ‘Kloot’ is Dutch for bollocks. I Am Kloot were far from bollocks however; their songs are fresh and infectious and will hopefully be flying high in the charts in the future.

Looking like a three-piece Oasis tribute band has its problems though, as does playing a concert in Wales after an England victory; consequently the audience gave I Am Kloot a fairly muted response, the birdcalllike chorus of To You garnering puzzled looks from most people.

Turin Brakes were last in Cardiff when they supported David Gray at the CIA. The band did not disappoint then, and neither did they tonight. I found it surprising that, given that they were promoting new album Ether Song, the majority of their set was from their debut album. This engaged a very knowledgeable crowd who sang heartily along to almost every tune.

New songs such as Panic Attack and new single Painkiller show a progression and a slight change in direction of Turin Brakes’ sound (they’ve discovered electric guitars and are not afraid to use them). Yet the formula of soft acoustic guitars and soaring choruses that made The Optimist LP a quiet classic was not lost. With many of the new album’s material being generated out of a live setting its unsurprising that these tracks often sounded fuller and more dynamic than their earlier counterparts. Olly and Gale rounded the evening off with a sublime performance of Underdog, crowning a superb concert of gentle beauty and excellent music – the perfect antidote to the Six Nations.

Andy Lightfoot

People can’t get into the room where Magnet is playing because it’s full of people sitting down, but that’s the best way to enjoy his slow-burning, captivating set. He’s a singer-songwriter on a Kid A tip, crooning alongside drum loops and picking at his slide guitar like a loved-up ghost.

When Ed Harcourt takes the stage it’s clear that he’s left his thoughtful, gentle persona at home as the they burst into new single All Of Your Days Will Be Blessed. The band is on awesome form tonight, imbuing every song with a solid pulse as Ed yelps his way through the set.

The new songs sound as good as we hoped and the old ones, like Birds Fly Backwards and I Become Misguided, buzz with frenzied beauty. Every perfect verse is followed by an unexpected yet perfect chorus. And aside from his writing and vocal abilities, what sets Ed apart from yer average singersongwriter is his novel approach to instrumentation. So tonight the band make liberal use of accordion, trumpet, glockenspiel and harmonica among other things.

Ed Harcourt delivers a night of superb songs performed with soul, passion, and raw talent. Even after a lengthy fivesong encore, the audience still wants more. They’d be fools not to. Mat Croft

live

TURIN BRAKES/I AM KLOOT Great Hall

ED HARCOURT/MAGNET Clwb Ifor Bach

Photos: Simon Shoulders

Return of the underdogs

band carry the same punchline that, of their great uncles, only Guns ‘N’ Roses carried-talent.

Whether The Darkness can pull a Jump, a Sweet Child O’ Mine or a Living On A Prayer out of the bag is a mouthwatering prospect. And just think: they’re British, the Pop Factory loves ‘em and they’ve only released two singles. Hell yeah.

Meanwhile, back in 80s rock, Def Leppard have released ten albums, the world considers them about as relevant as The Black Death, and as a result of tonight’s set, are the most tepid, boring band in the world. No wonder they were more popular in America in the 80s than they were over here. Their set lacked soul, effort and any sort of X-factor and, like their old sparring partners Bon Jovi, can’t cut it in the grown-up world.

John Widdop

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The man who cried Dolf N

ME Tour headliners, and chief movers and shakers in the garagerock revival, The Datsuns talk to Dave Gibson about the pressure of constant touring, the state of British music and the joys of rockin’ out...

Dolf does not look well. The bleak, mid-afternoon sun outside the tour-bus offers little illumination to his ghostlypale face. His voice virtually inaudible, Dolf’s speech is fractured and hesitant, yet maintains the confident air of a charismatic speaker. Whether end-oftour fatigue or late-night hedonism, Dolf’s current state speaks volumes about a band at the height of fashion, enduring the tedium, exhaustion and scepticism this brings. As the NME tour roles to an end and a European tour with “friends”, The Casanovas, approaches, this is a testing time for The Datsuns.

“The Datsuns always do things by the most difficult road and we always like to take up things that are a bit of a

O

ne of NYC’s brightest new acts, Interpol are one of the hottest properties on the rock circuit at the moment. Gemma Jones caught up with the band before their fantastic NME performance....

As a cloud of Marlboro smoke rises up around Paul Banks, it’s hard not to be in awe of the utter coolness that radiates from every pore on his sharpsuit clad body. Just the mere sight of Interpol make it easy to see why they are fast becoming the ‘it’ band of the moment. With their lavish dress-style and darkly evocative brand of catchy guitar rock, they’re the new band every boy wants to be and every girl lusts after...

Although clearly paying the price for the previous night’s hedonism. Banks is

challenge. ... On this tour, we’ve played to two-and-a-half thousand people on a couple of nights and had a good eightytwo per cent of the audience going absolutely wild and singing along.

That’s the kind of thing that can’t be replaced and that’s the kind of thing you get through hard-work.”

The Datsuns are a band uncomfortable with the hype and frenzy which has accompanied their ascent in the UK and is now being cast upon many of their musical peers. Although

grateful for the attention they have received, they are deeply sensitive to the vocational instability which comes with being a hot property.

“We’ve always been a band who have liked to grow at what we do. It’s a well-worn cliché but it’s true: word-ofmouth is always the best way of growing. A lot of people would give their right arm to be on the cover of NME but, to me, we’ve always been fighting the hype in a lot of ways, telling magazines to take it slower...

“Rock music never dies, it just goes out of the mainstream and all of a sudden the mainstream needs rock ‘n’ roll...Rock ‘n’ roll will always survive...and I’m always gonna love this kind of music.”

Otherwise, it’s ‘Who the fuck are these guys? They haven’t put out anything?’”

While attributing the UK’s unique ‘build-em-up, burn-em-down’ attitude to “weakling media” and its insatiable need for gossip and fresh faces, Dolf appreciates the value of Britain’s fashion-orientated music industry.

“I think the UK’s a really interesting place because it’s really dominated by fashion as far as music goes. But also, nowhere else in the world would The Hives or The White Stripes be on Top of the Pops. In the UK, it seems that you can retain a lot of the underground, DIY ethos and still be in the Top 40.”

The Datsuns’ own DIY ethos seems healthy enough, avoiding meltdown by venting themselves on-stage - claiming only after performing can they “feel like normal people” - and knowing that, no matter how bleak this mid-afternoon sun may seem, there will always be a future for the music they adore.

“Rock music never dies, it just goes out of the mainstream and all of a sudden the mainstream needs rock ’n’ roll. I’m not going to be cynical ‘cause I’m going to stick to playing in the basement to fifty people.

People should understand that rock ‘n’ roll will always survive whether in the mainstream or not, and I’m always gonna love this kind of music.

NY city slickers still in good spirits and is undeniably handsome, despite his unshaven, shaky exterior. He sees Interpol’s new found popularity as “Pretty much everything I’ve wanted since I was 15, so I’m pretty excited about it…The record is doing surprisingly well, not surprisingly, but I think for some people it’s exceeding expectations in the U.S. I feel like in a way we’re almost having to catch up over here. I think the [NME] tour is going to help us.”

With recently released album Turn on the Bright Lights growing in popularity with every gig they play, Paul firmly believes it’s the band’s respect for one another and mutual love of music that motivates them most when writing and brings their music together live: “We write the songs as a group so a

lot of the influence just comes from each other and at the core, it comes down to progressions and just music.

We all just love music and we work together because there’s a lot of respect as individuals - a mutual respect. So each of our personalities are demonstrated through the music.

This in turn gels us together when we play live.”

As the hype surrounding New York bands continues to grow, the band have often been mentioned as being the next Strokes by the international press due to their looks and retro offerings. Paul meets such claims with a furrowed brow and a sigh: “It doesn’t bother me what these people say, I don’t think the journalists that say things like that are doing a good job. Ultimately it will have no impact on how our record does and what we do as musicians. So to us, it’s just something somebody says. We really are nothing like The Strokes, they were a phenomenon as far as the degree of popularity they obtained and how quickly they got it. It really isn’t the same thing, it’s just unoriginal…”

The room becomes silent, Paul carefully takes another cigarette from his pack and lights it before dazzling another smile and everything carries on as normal. This is the kind of reassuring charm all of Interpol have: the ability to kill a conversation with one look and

make your stomach do somersaults with the next. Seeing The Strokes as being a touchy area I guess that it’s time to quickly move on…

Interpol are now almost infamous for their non-stop touring schedules, I wondered if the band weren’t worried about burning out just as they’ve begun to shine? Paul happily replies: “I’d never think about complaining about the touring schedule. I could probably do it non-stop for years because this is exactly what I want to be doing. You know, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity; It’s really like everything I’ve ever wanted…Spare time seems to have an almost desperate quality about it. Literally the last time I was home-I went to bed 8am, 8am and then not at all. That was the 3 nights before I came over for this tour. I was pretty fucked up for a couple of days. Generally though I play pool and I drink-it blows off steam.”

When asked what the future now holds in store for Interpol, Paul excitedly talks about how he hopes to come back here this summer after their mammoth U.S. tour: “I hope we’ll be playing Reading festival, there are some awesome festivals over here.”

That really is Interpol all over-They’re the coolest cats on the scene yet you can’t help but be drawn to their excitement and optimism, they really are a much needed pearl in a sea of mediocrity.

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Hanging around with the Spree

I

s it a cult? Is it the Rapture? Andy Parsons caught up with The Polyphonic Spree, probably the biggest band in the world “EVER!” and found out what really happens behind those robes...

In the beginning there was Tripping Daisy, Tim DeLaughter’s merry band of psychedelic tunesmiths. A few years and 20 or so extra recruits later, Tim now leads The Polyphonic Spree, one of the best live acts in the world at the moment, causing a stir wherever they travel. I managed to catch up with Ryan, Andrew, Michael and Jennifer from the band before their NME tour show and find out why they’re the biggest thing to come from Texas since its former governor rigged the US electons.

“We always get a good reception here in Britain” explains Ryan, “We’ve got a great fanbase here, whereas we haven’t really taken off in the States yet. It seems like we have a lot more fun here anyway.” I ask the band why they think they’ve taken off over here rather than in the US, “Britain has a history of accepting better rock n roll bands than the US does” says singer Michael.

“When we came over here, peoples’ minds seemed to be a lot more open to it and it seems that mainstream music isn’t as stagnant over here.

“A lot of the buzz was that we were like a big cult from Texas and the whole Waco thing and David Koresh - they immediately associated us with it and that first and got people interested.”

Andrew continues...

“The fact is we’re such a weird band compared to everyone else.” Which neatly brings us to one of the questions that’s been on everyone’s lips since first single, Hanging Around started receiving airplay: Are you actually a cult?

“Well I think everyone takes one look

at us with the robes and the sheer number of people on stage and thinks that” says Michael, “We’ve worn the robes in every show from the start,” adds Jennifer, “sometimes we actually project film and images on the robes, so that’s why we always wear them. But unfortunately there’s not always the facilities to project the film, so we’re just as we are. But we’re definitely not a cult or associated with any specific religion or denomination or whatever”. “I think we should play on the whole Christian-Rock thing though” chips in Andrew quickly, “It worked for that band Creed, in America, so it can’t do our record sales any harm. I think we should ride the Christian train if it gets us somewhere.

And if anyone wants to Tithe, just send it to a our record label.”

I somehow get the feeling that Andrew might be somewhat taking the piss out of the band’s incorrect reputation as a bunch of Jesus freaks.

“Our manager got attacked in Athens, Georgia, by this girl who thought that me and Jennifer were children who’d been dragged into a cult or something,” says the cherubic Michael, laughing “I’m not sure what she was exactly

I briefly discuss with Andrew the band’s creative process, since if it can take a five piece like Radiohead 3 years to record an album - how long must it take a band five times that size?

“With our new album we were using a producer, so it was mainly session work.

After the initial few rehearsals we left it in the able hands of Tim and our producer. As each faction came in to record, it was like another piece of the jigsaw fitting together. You just have to trust the people in the control room like Tim and Eric have the cover of the box and they know what the final picture will look like. There’s not really time to try and mess around with it.”

I ask the band to try and describe the direction of the new album, “You find there’s a lot of continuing themes from The Beginning Stages Of… on there” continues Andrew, “It’s completely nonsensical though.

When you hear it, just enjoy it. You’ll like it - you’ll think about the words and the music but don’t kill yourself over it, coz it’ll hit you BAM! And that’ll be it. I think a lot of people analyse the shit out of music and don’t gain anything from that and certainly don’t do it justice.” I get the feeling that I’ve touched on what might

“We’re going to get Blair, Bush, Saddam and Bin Laden on stage in robes and get them to work it all out with us.

Failing that we’ll get Courtney Love onstage all take turns to hit her like a piñata for stealing our NME cover!” upset about but he got kicked in the bollocks and then later she came after him with a bottle! It took her a while to calm down.”

be a sore point, or if nothing else, something that the band have been questioned about far too much already.

Moving onto safer territory I ask the

group what they’ve gained from being on tour with three other varied rock acts.

“I’ve learned rock moves from The Datsuns” Andrew says excitedly, “you can’t tell under the robe, but shit’s going on.” Michael adds that the band have “a lot of respect for all the other bands. They’ve been working hard, having a lot of fun just going for it.”

After the appearance of Jarvis Cocker robed up and onstage with the band at one of their previous London gigs, I ask the band if they have any plans for any similar appearances.

“Tony Blair’s going to be joining us in London, I hope” grins Ryan, “We’re going to get Tony Blair, George Bush, SaddamHussein and Osama together onstage in robes and get them to work it out with us. Otherwise we’re going to get Courtney Love, put her in the middle of the stage and all hit her like a piñata for stealing our NME cover. Piñata Love!” It’s good to know that the band don’t take either themselves or others too seriously in a business where ego can be prized almost as highly as talent and certain people in the spotlight can get away with blue murder for behaving like spoilt brats.

The band plan to be back in the summer for the festivals and then after that?

“Ascension!” yells Andrew, bringing proceedings to a fitting close. So they might not be a cult and they may have novel ideas for the former princess of grunge and our world leaders, but The Polyphonic Spree certainly are one of the most interesting and downright vibrant new bands around at the moment. Long may they continue, forever and ever. Amen.

Thrilling scenes take it.”

And take it they have, making the most of any opportunity, and most importantly creating them for themselves.

Sometimes it all seems too good to be true; “We always dreamed of getting a deal and recording an album in California, and this is what we have gone and done.”

Other than for the exception of Morrissey, they have even managed to entirely skip out the whole tour support route into the limelight. Whether due to hype or not, ticket sales have not been a problem; “We were selling out venues around the country anyhow, so we decided to fuck doing supports and try and go it alone.”

They’ve made an exception though for the NME tour though; “We’ve really enjoyed it, as we’ve not

really played these kind of venues before. The other bands have got albums out and we’ve only had one single, so it’s a bit hard on us ‘cause people don’t really know who we are.

But it’s a great opportunity to play to a great crowd.”

Though Connor decides tonight’s gig in Cardiff wasn’t their best (“Ben couldn’t find his drumsticks. We had a really bad start”) the crowd lapped up their delectable shimmering tunes. And with their debut album set for release in June, the soundtrack of the summer is dully sorted already. Gemma Curtis

Music

he payed the boys a visit at their rehearsal studios; “It was really fucking surreal,” Connor muses, “there was Morrissey, just sat there watching us. Initially we had to turn down one American tour support with him because we weren’t signed, but then the Royal Albert Hall gig came up so we did get to do something with him, which was brilliant.”

Such relaxed acceptance of the music industry whirlwind that has surrounded them since getting their break seems the way of The Thrills. Things seem to just kind of happen for them. Like having Steve Lamacq play the demo and then putting out the debut EP as a result.

Even a false start failed to faze them; “When we were younger we got signed to an independent and we got dropped. So when we got all these offers from majors our biggest fear was not getting things done.”

“So now we like things happening at a fast past, even if it can feel a little ridiculous. .. We can’t keep this pace for a long time. People can think if things happen quickly to a band it’s all about hype, so it’s not ideal. But on the other hand, if you get a break you’ve got to

interviews

The Thrills have high expectations to live up to. Playing the opening slot on the NME tour, the Dublin-born West Coast fanatics are following in the footsteps of Coldplay and Starsailor as previous bands that have had this ‘honour.’ Softly spoken yet enigmatic frontman Connor Deasey laughs selfmockingly at the realisation. “ All that kind of stuff is really fucking rubbish. There’s also been millions of bands who played that nobody has ever heard of again.”

But with what seems to be keen music industry support, and high-profile music celebs as fans, it seems unlikely that this lot will disappear without making a big impression first.

Amongst their dedicated followers The Thrills can coolly name Noel Gallagher. Most affectingly though it is Morrissey, who they supported at his last gig at the Royal Albert Hall on his request, who has been captivated by the melodic beauty of their music. So what did Moz see in their lazy-days sunshine sound that he couldn’t forget?

Whatever it was, so impressed by the demo handed to him by their manager, and coincidentally holidaying in Ireland,

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gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

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Colonic Relief: a bit like pissing in the wind Hey ho, chumlets. In the frenzied storm that is the Sab and Non-Sab election meetings, TV Desk remains an oasis of rather foulmouthed calm, as ever committed to bringing you all manner of TV-related gubbins.

Such as the riposte to Martin Bashir’s unmissable Jacko interview, the not-sounmissable The Michael Jackson Interview: The Footage You Were Never Meant to See (five, Monday 3 March, 9pm). It adds a fawning American presenter, some übercheesy incidental music (warning: the ‘wistful’ piano chords may induce vomiting), and an interview with the relatively sane Debbie Rowe, mother of the two elder mini-Jackos.

Martin Bashir is confirmed as a shifty cnut, but that’s no surprise - he’s a tabloid hack! He’s more slippery than a lubed-up Richard Bacon! Meanwhile, Jacko himself - who originally

came across as a paranoid, bonkers Peter Pan delusional - now comes across as, um, still a paranoid, bonkers Peter Pan delusional.

We’ve also got news of what could quite possibly become the greatest reality TV show ever, Oblivious Popstars (ITV1, Tuesday 4 March, 9.30pm). It’s Make My Day, the celebrity version - and therefore, much, much nastier, with hidden cameras following random popstrels around for a day as they unwittingly take on challenges. In this edition, Sugababes have to deal with a pushy showbiz reporter, and one of the shitehawks from 5ive has to recognise tunes sung by his cabbie; cue much potential for embarrassment, especially from the notoriously unpleasant Sugabitches.

Fear ye not, all you devotees of bonkers telly, for although the madness of Footballers’ Wives has

ended for another year, you’re not going to be deprived of your weekly quota of strange storylines, odd dream sequences and graphic gay sex scenes.

Once upon a time a drunk Johnny Vegas shouted “monkey” at a stuffed toy, and in a way, he was right.

Because Monkey (S4C, Wednesday 5 March, 1am) is fantastic. No stuffed toys but mad kung fu bonkers applenty. It’s hard to explain,

Week 1 but monkey is a god that was kicked out of heaven and is now on a quest for something. I’m not sure what but in a way that’s the point. Monkey!! And in a kinda surreal way that leads me on to the army. Lots of my family are in the army.

The stupid ones. Because if you want to join the British army you are stupid. You’re fighting for a skewed ideology, not misplaced

patriotism. Just to prove my point Friend or Foe (BBC1, Thursday 6 March, 9pm) is all about friendly fire, i.e. grunts shooting each other.

It looks like the schedulers think war is inevitable, which is bad, isn’t it? Ho-hum.

The Book Group (S4C, Friday 7 March, 12.15am) fulfils all of these and then some. Like the title suggests to those of even basic intellect, the series focuses on the members of a book group - shining examples of mental instability, all. Take for example up-his-own-arse conceptual artist Lachlan (who, incidentally, looks and sounds exactly like the mentalist I had the

misfortune to date last year.

Conceptual artists - don’t do it, kids) who anointed his girlfriend’s ladybits with olive oil for extra lubrication, or Fist, the footballer’s wife who’s so paranoid about being unfashionable she organises an orgy in order to get pregnant. Awesome scenes all round and some cracking writing too. Worth staying in for.

Similarly the return of Jonathan Creek (BBC1, Saturday 8 March, 9.35pm) requires the cancellation of all your social engagements on Saturday night. Yes, all of them. Doe-eyed and floppy fringed Alan Davies is enough to keep you company.

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March 3 - 14

Week 2 hormonal glitch born of utter sexual frustration. Happy now?

- TV Amy) Meanwhile, TV Alex’s cockles are being warmed by the return of the original spiteful bitch from hell, Ruby Wax, in her Hot Wax (BBC1, Wednesday 12 March, 11.05pm) series.

Yeah, it’s clear that La Wax has zero awareness of when to stop, but when she’s on the right side of her gushingly vicious line, she’s a top-notch

biggest goit in the universe, Arnold Rimmer, and Holly, the blindingly stupid ship’s computer. Cue intergalatic insult matches and madcap interplanetary adventures.

Better than it sounds, I swear.

Worse than it sounds, though, is Facelift Diaries (ITV1, Friday 14 March, 10.30pm). Once you’ve finished wincing at the graphic procedures and the point-andlaugh exercise has worn thin, there’s only so much inane bintishness one can put up with. It’s not so much that these women want to look like someone else, but that they all want to look exactly the same: blonde hair, big tits, Botoxed, emotionless face. There’s a complete failure to understand that the most gorgeous people are gorgeous because they look different from most people, from PJ Harvey and Jude Law to Svetlana Khorkina and Jeff Buckley.

TV Desk Surveillance: TV Amy and Andy from Music Desk pissing away their carefully cultivated credibility through their presence at Lashtastic, aka Night for Townies In Training - though Mr T has just trumped them by displaying a far too detailed knowledge of the works of S Club. The shame, the shame.

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Television

seeing Saviola skipping round three defenders before slotting home makes a welcome change from Emile Heskey falling over every two minutes.

Speaking of Butlin’s campsite TV, the goons that cobble together Comic Relief have resurrected the mangy corpse of the reality show and slapped in some ‘celebrities’ to create Comic Relief Does Fame Academy (BBC1, Tuesday 11 March, 7pm) - an unholy alliance of charidee and media whoredom. They’re keeping very schtum about who’s actually going to be part of this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Jordan turns up proclaiming that her “first love was always music” and that she “just wants to

entertainer. That’s in the proper, old-fashioned sense of the word of being someone who actively entertains her audience, rather than some vacuous stage-school chancer mouthing their way through successions of tedious autocues. For that, you’ve just got to love her.

Geek alert! Geek alert!

BBC2, bless their cotton Starbug models, are reshowing series one of the classic sci-fi comedy, Red Dwarf (BBC2, Thursday 13 March, 11.20pm). Admittedly, the original series is a little short on laughs and possesses the shoddiest sets this side of The Bold and the Beautiful, but nevertheless, it’s an essential part of your geek training. The story is thus: Dave Lister, a cleaner on board the space monolith Red Dwarf sometime in the future, is locked in statis for a million years. When he’s let out, all the crew are dead and he’s left, a stinking, curry-guzzling Liverpudlian ape of a man, with no company save the catbeing that mutated from his pet cat, the überannoying hologram of the

pickings

Back on our screens is the kinda overrated but still good 24 (BBC2, Sunday 9 March, 10pm). The ever-so-slighty political ‘Arabs blow up the US’ plotline is a little, shall we say, distasteful? Unfortunately in a bid to run the show without adverts in the US its producers signed a product placement deal which rather annoyingly means close-ups of Ford logos all the fucking time. Still not quite in the Bond film league but twattish nonetheless. From Arab terrorists to football, now.

Thinking of link.... can’t be arsed. So then Sgorio (S4C, Monday 10, 9.30pm) combines three crucial elements: football and muzak and consequently comedy. To be honest the production qualities on this programme are so low it’s like watching Butlin’s campsite TV. Crap graphics, awful music and commentary, but ultimately it’s quite engrossing. To be honest

be remembered for her songs” and not her pneumatic baps.

The original Fame Academy gave us the delight that is Ainslie Henderson, but I’d be shocked if anything of that quality was spawned here. But hey, it’s for the kids. Please give (your pity) generously.

Ahem. TV Amy’s adherence to the Cult of Ainslie is just a phase - she’s sure to grow out of it soon. (No I won’t. This is a pure and everlasting love. Oh alright, it’s a temporary

elevision

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gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Monday 3 March BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Through the Keyhole 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Boyd and Daniel discover an entertaining way to pass the time. Presumably not mouldering away in an office waiting for the fucking pizza (where? when?) - but it’s Neighbours, so presumably not snorting amphetamines off lubed-up boy biceps either. 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Celebrity Driving School Gareth Gates gives his instructor an invitation.

The same invitation as he gave Jordan? Poor driving instructor.

9.00 FILM: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory 10.00 News 10.35 FILM: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory 11.10 Hot Wax 11.55 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Burn It 12.25 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Body Hits 12.55 Liquid News 1.30 FILM: Circumstances Unknown 2.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Open Advice - Study to Succeed 6.30 Babies' Minds 7.00 CBBC 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 The Witness 1.35 FILM: The Emperor Waltz 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air On a trip to a cash dispenser, Will and Carlton are held up at gunpoint. By a ‘gang’ of ‘Africans’, no doubt!

(This week, TV Desk hates: bigots writing in to Letters.) 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Wrong Car, Right Car A man in his fifties wants to regain his youth with a sporty vehicle. Point and laugh!

8.00 University Challenge 8.30 The Aristocracy: Born to Rule - 1875-1914 Born to rule? I’m the only one born to rule round here, and don’t you forget it, fuckerz. 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Featuring Siobhan Fahey, Hugh Cornwell, Sean Rowley and Barry Cryer. Good lord, I’ve actually heard of the first two. 9.30 Shooting Stars 10.00 The Kumars at No 42 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on Two: A Year in the World of BBC4 12.30 BBC Learning Zone 1.30 Humanity and the Scaffold This sounds very existentialist. A good thing.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale Tricia's attempts to settle into married life cause ructions. A particularly painful ‘fnarr’ for her, then. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street Martin comes through for Gail as she begins to crack. And another fnarr! ITV are truly on top form tonight. 9.00 A Touch of Frost 11.00 ITV News at Ten 11.30 The Premiership on Monday 12.30 Champions League Weekly 1.00 Football League Extra 1.35 Wish You Were Here...? 2.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.50 Antiques Trail 3.15 Entertainment Now! 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Fucking space. People, go and buy the Raveonettes LP - ‘tis awesome.

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Through the Keyhole 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders Spencer tells Vicky about the significance of Pancake Day. Given that it’s the ‘Enders, expect grease and fat to figure heavily. 8.00 Holby City Tom Campbell-Gore returns to Holby and annoys Alex. Indeed he does. Grr. 9.00 In Deep 10.00 News 10.35 In Deep 11.35 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 12.05 FILM: Mr Majestyk 1.50 Sign Zone: HomeFront 2.50 Sign Zone: Horizon 3.40 Sign Zone: How to Be a Gardener 4.10 Sign Zone: See Hear 4.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 6.30 Open Advice 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Megamaths 1.15 Watch 1.30 Afoot Again in the Past 1.45 Living Famously 2.45 am.pm 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 With ABC, Crowded House, the Damned, Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg, and Paula Abdul. 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Meades Eats: The Alphabet Soup of the British Gastronomic Revolution An investigation into the so-called gastronomic revolution reveals that British food still has a long way to go to reach the standard of some of our European counterparts. Jamie cunting Oliver would be the living manifestation of this, then. 8.00 Country Parish 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Living the Dream 9.50 Posh Nosh 10.00 Manchild 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Cuban Missile Crisis 12.25 Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

Film 2003 BBC1 11.35pm

Hot Wax BBC1 11.10pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 River Cottage Forever 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad Dai Jones meets the interesting Welsh character, Gwyn Williams, a caretaker at Ysgol Twm o'r Nant whose many interests include slate carving.

Bless, that blurb makes him (or her? Hard to tell with Welsh people) sound so gnome-like.

8.30 Ffermio Weekly 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Buried Shiel is top dog but when he attempts to sexually harass a first-timer, Lee intervenes. Ooh, this sounds like a very promising programme. 12.05 Empire 1.05 Boys Alone Update 2.00 Operatunity Popstars for opera singers? Methinks this means a mustn’t-miss programme. 4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan - All Bets Off 3.40 FILM: The Iron Maiden 5.30 War in Iraq 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news 8.00 Arrest and Trial: Die Hard Dad 8.30 Weapons of World War II: Heavy Bombers 9.00 The Michael Jackson Interview: The Footage You Were Never Meant to See 10.40 Ali G: Before He Was Massiv... he was littl. 11.15 The Honey Trap 11.50 Out There! 12.20 US PGA Golf: Chrysler Classic 1.10 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 2.00 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 3.30 Ironman Triathlon: Wisconsin 4.20 Dutch Football: FC Utrecht v Ajax

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 News 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 The Foxbusters 4.00 Hey Arnold! 4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale Emily's attachment to Debbie gives cause for concern. A fnarr? Hmm, ‘tis rather weak but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Go on then. 7.30 Wish You Were Here...? A Liverpool couple explain why they love Majorca so much. Well, duh; they’re from Liverpool. 8.00 The Daily Mirror's Pride of Britain Awards 2003 9.30 Oblivious Popstars 10.15 ITV News at Ten 10.45 Tarrant on TV 11.15 Soccer Special 12.15 FILM: The Russia House Espionage drama in which a dissolute British publisher is drawn into a web of intrigue when he becomes involved with a mysterious Russian woman.

Oooooh, mysterious Russian women are the best things ever.

2.25 Trisha 3.20 World Sport 3.45 Football League Extra 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Slaymaker 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio 9.00 Brad yn y Bae 10.00 Relocation, Relocation Tom and Carol are expecting their first child and have decided on a spacious family home in Dorset. They also want a Georgian town flat in Bath. Well, as every Victorian child used to know, you don’t always get what you want. In the case of these yuppie cnuts, it’ll be because TV Desk has hunted them down and shot them. Muahahahaha.

11.05 Girls Alone Following hot on the heels of paedo-pop, it’s the advent of paedo-TV! Mr T will be pleased. 12.05 V Graham Norton 12.35 NYPD Blue 1.30 The Richard Taylor Interviews 2.00 FILM: Move Over, Darling 4.00 Schools This week, TV Desk loves: pissing off Sports Desk with Nick Cave; stripy hair à la TV Amy; the new Cat Power album.

TV Desk hates: the god-awful Datsuns (widdle-widdle-wank); worlds of computer-related pain; you all.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Brain Teaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan Coffee, Tea or Cyanide Coffee (strong, black) for me; cyanide for Robbie ‘Fool’ Williams. 3.40 FILM: For Love Alone 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Eileen tries to prove to Pete she is management material. Ha no one on these half-witted soaps even approaches management level. 7.00 War in Iraq 7.30 five news 8.00 Crime and Punishment: People v Kayser/ Palomino The US legal documentary series following real-life courtroom cases. Good lord, the Yanks seem determined to take the word ‘exploitative’ to new levels.

9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Boomtown 10.50 Murder Trail: Angel of Death 11.50 God Almighty 12.20 Kick Boxing 1.15 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.05 Indy Racing League 2.55 Sunshine Tour Golf 3.45 2003 Winter X Games 4.30 Argentinian Football

Tuesday 4 March

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gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Wednesday 5 March BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Through the Keyhole 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 XperiMENTAL 4.35 Fairly Odd Parents 5.00 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround Extra 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Steve Leonard's Ultimate Killers 7.55 The National Lottery 8.00 UK's Worst... Toilet? I got broken into last night and had my toilet seat stolen. The police said they’ve got nothing to go on. Sorry.

8.30 The Food Police 9.00 Mandela: The Living Legend 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 They Think It's All Over 11.35 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 12.10 Boxing: Class of 2002 1.45 Rail Cops 2.25 Panorama 3.15 Antiques Roadshow

6.00 Energy through the Window 6.30 The Emergence of Greek Mathematics 7.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 7.20 Dennis the Menace 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 Round the Twist 8.25 The Animated Series 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Rubbadubbers 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Pingu 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 am.pm 1.05 Stefan's Ultimate Gardens 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: Macao 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Profits Reunited 8.00 The Good, the Bad and the Ugly 9.00 The Lost City of Roman Britain: A Meet the Ancestors Special 9.50 E-Mails You Wish You Hadn't Sent 10.00 Marion and Geoff 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 In the Picture 11.50 Network East Late 12.30 Moral Panics - The Agony and the Ecstasy 1.00 From a Different Shore 1.50 Ever Wondered? 2.00 Religious Education

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill Drummond's 9.00 At Home with the Braithwaites 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 11.00 The Premiership Andy Townsend: why? Why do you exist? Say something intelligent Andy, go on, I defy you...

12.05 Police in Action 12.50 Redcoats 1.15 FILM: Heart of Fire 2.45 Today with Des and Mel 3.35 Ghost Stories 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News GR’s top 5 shit organisations: 1. CIA 2.

FBI 3. Railtrack 4. Group 4 5.

The Union’s Constitutions Committee. Muppets....

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Through the Keyhole 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Ground Force 8.30 DIY SOS 9.00 Friend or Foe? “Yet with the increase of multinational forces, telling friend from foe is harder than ever before.” It should give it away if they shoot at you or not surely? Twats.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 This Week 12.55 FILM: Twilight Man

7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 SMart on the Road 8.00 Round the Twist 8.25 Evolution: The Animated Series 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Andy Pandy 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Maths Challenge 10.50 Bobinogs 11.05 Made in Wales 11.20 Revisewise Shorts 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Taxi 1.25 FILM: Foreign Correspondent 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Remember Wales 8.00 Crufts 2003 8.30 How to Be a Gardener 9.00 Horizon 9.50 Trouble at the Top: Cheese Wars 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Red Dwarf 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.35 Race for the Pole 12.55 The Next Big Thing

Maggie - The First Lady ITV1 9pm

The Premiership ITV1 11pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Jara 9.00 04 Wal 9.30 Y Byd ar Bedwar 10.00 Brookside 11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 Hairy Women I like a bit fur on my lady. I’m not talking about a ‘black forest’ downstairs, but it can legitimately resemble a well kept privet hedge.

1.00 Monkey “Born from a egg on a mountain top!” Fucking bonkers 70’s kung fu type extraganza. Essential stoner viewing.1.55 Manhunters 2.50 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup Rumour has it the Varsity cheerleaders had been training for over a year..

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan: Have You Heard About Vanessa?

3.40 FILM: Columbo: Any Old Port in a Storm 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 War in Iraq 8.00 Snake Attack 9.00 FILM: Demolition Man 11.15 Strip School 12.30 NHL Ice Hockey: Detroit Red Wings v Tampa Bay Lightning 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay 5.35 Fastrax before their no-show due to a technical fuck-up. They couldn’t find a plug for their hair dryer.

Mean I know, but never mind...

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Prized Possessions 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 Digimon 4.10 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Maggie - The First Lady About evil Tory fuck-face hag Thatcher. Reasons to hate Thatcher, just so those Tories amongst you (there are few left I’ve heard) understand that this hatred runs deeper then the Daily M*il’s dislike of single mothers and asylum seekers put together...1. Privatisation. 2.

Poll Tax. 3. Her constant rimming of Reagan...

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Club 11.30 Creative Road 12.00 Night and Day 1.00 Now and Again 1.50 CD:UK Hotshots 2.15 F1: Australian Grand Prix Qualifying Live 4.10 Cybernet

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Made for Each Other 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Popty 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 Y Rhuban Glas: Gwobr Goffa 10.00 Aircrash: Impact 11.05 Bang! Bang! Bangkok!

An intriguing encounter between a baseball cap wearing valley boy and a ‘ladyboy’ in Thailand.

Needless to say all is resolved in an “up the gary” fashion.

11.35 Frasier 12.05 V Graham Norton 12.35 20 Things to Do before You're 30 1.05 Alias 2.00 FILM: Glory e 4.00 True Stories: Soldat ....4. BSE 5. Mark Thatcher 6.

Her foreign policy (or lack of). 7.

Supporting the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. 8. The Falklands (and subsequently Simon Weston) 9. Her hair (Alex and Amy said that one). 10. She’s a fucking Tory. Few, rant over.

Now the Christian Union.....

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan: Phillip's Game 3.40 FILM: The Murder That Wouldn't Die 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 War in Iraq 8.00 FILM: Dave “Warmhearted comedy about a regular guy who, being a dead ringer for the American president, is employed as a stand-in when the leader is taken ill.” Could go either way to be honest.

10.10 FILM: The Man with Two Brains 11.55 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.35 Dutch Football: Heerenveen v PSV Eindhoven 2.05 Argentinian Football 3.35 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.25 Five Football Replay: Dundee United v Celtic ..best not. World of pain....

Thursday 6 March

Television

BBC1

GRiP

elevision

GRiP

24

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Friday 7 March BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Through the Keyhole 3.25 CBeebies 3.45 CBBC 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 6.55 Party Conference Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops I have everything possible crossed in the hope that the divine Ainslie will be performing his surprisingly good single this week. Mmm...Ainslie. Expect to hear more of this, the most gargantuan of crushes.

8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Celebrity Driving School 9.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 10.55 Lock Up Your Daughters 11.45 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Liquid Assets: Bono's Millions 12.45 FILM: Slaughter of the Innocents 2.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Following a Score 6.30 Ever Wondered 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 10.20 Megamaths 10.40 Megamaths 11.00 Look and Read 11.20 Speak for Yourself 11.40 Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Witness 1.05 FILM: The Golden Disc 2.20 Conference 2003 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars 7.30 Clarissa and the Countryman Clarissa, of Clarissa Explains It All fame, is exiled to Devon where she must fight for her innocence among Dep Ed Mr T’s relatives. Horrific scenes abound.

8.00 Crufts 2003 8.30 The Plantsman 9.00 Secrets of Leadership: Hitler 9.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.00 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Party Conference Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 11.40 Taken 1.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Making It 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.05 How II 4.30 Sir Gadabout 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.25 Party Conference Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Midsomer Murders 10.30 Facelift Diaries 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.30 Shotgun Slideshow 12.00 Dial-a-Date 12.30 F1: Australian Grand Prix Qualifying Live 4.15 Entertainment Now! 4.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Shock news from peoplenews.com: Amanda Holden has announced she’s gay. Hardly surprising, is it? Five years of being pounded

by Les Dennis’s wrinkly love shaft is bound to turn a girl.

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 CBeebies: Tweenies 6.40 Red Nose Week on CBBC 9.00 The Saturday Show 11.15 The Story of Comic Relief Pop 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Match of the Day Live: Celtic v Rangers 1.35 Six Nations Championship: Ireland v France 4.00 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: Scotland v Wales 4.50 Final Score 5.05 Match of the Day Live: Arsenal v Chelsea 7.10 BBC News 7.20 Wales Today 7.25 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 8.10 The National Lottery: Jet Set 8.45 Casualty 9.35 Jonathan Creek World of joy! My Saturday nights now have meaning. Oh, and as if you couldn’t guess, I fancy Alan Davies.

10.35 BBC News 10.55 Parkinson 11.55 FILM: The Ipcress File1.40 They Think It's All Over 2.10 A Question of Sport 2.40 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 3.15 Top of the Pops 3.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Weekend 24 9.05 HARDtalk 9.30 Colin Powell: Reluctant Warrior - Profile 10.00 Saturday Kitchen Live 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 See Hear 12.45 The Sky at Night 1.05 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 1.30 Match of the Day Live: Celtic v Rangers 2.30 Racing from Chepstow 4.05 Watching the Detectives: Cagney and Lacey 4.50 Six Nations Grandstand: Scotland v Wales 5.55 What the Papers Say 6.05 Flog It! 6.55 The Great War: We Must Hack Our Way Through 7.35 Lost Highway: The Story of Country Music 8.35 Crufts 2003 It’s just a bit too obvious to make a joke about bitches here, isn’t it? Fairy muff.

9.35 Taken ...From Behind” the love affair between Sports and Dep Ed deepens.

11.00 Mark Lamarr's Stand Up America 11.40 Live Floor Show 12.40 24 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Spanish

Parkinson BBC1 10.55pm

TOTP BBC1 7.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Cynhadledd Wanwyn y Blaid Geidwadol Gymreig 2003 1.00 Planed Plant Bach 1.45 Pet Rescue 2.15 Pet Rescue 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Jara 7.00 Popcorn 7.25 Darllediad Cynadleddol: Ceidwadwyr Cymreig 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Igamogi 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Y Set 9.30 Grand Designs 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.05 Boys and Girls 11.40 Darllediad Cynadleddol: Ceidwadwyr Cymreig 11.45 Derren Brown: Mind Control 12.15 The Book Group 12.45 The Vagina Monologues Surely, this is the perfect opportunity to use the word c*nt legitimately? After all, Caprice did on This Morning with no repercussions. 2.25 The Other Side 2.55 Unreported World 3.25 Skiing on 4: Ski Jumping World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Brand New Life 3.50 FILM: Trouble in Paradise 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 War in Iraq 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday Home 9.00 The Human Chimp I’ve been informed I face a world of pain if I relate this to Steve in any way. So I won’t.

10.00 Submarine Disaster 11.00 FILM: Sexual Magic 12.40 FILM: Adrenalin: Fear the Rush 2.00 FILM: Home Before Dark 4.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 The Love Boat 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.05 HTV News and Weather 1.10 On the Ball 2.00 F1: Australian Grand Prix Qualifying 3.40 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 4.45 Catchphrase 5.10 HTV News 5.25 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.45 Blind Date 6.45 You've Been Framed!

7.15 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 8.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.35 Reborn in the USA An ITV production office, yesterday: “Lads, no matter what the people say, the Reality TV genre is vibrant and essential to the well-being of television. Any ideas for a new one?”

“Boss, I’ve fucking got it! We get some 80s pop has-beens - say Tony Hadley, Michelle Gayle and Sonia - stick ‘em in a van and force them to resurrect their dead and decomposing careers by performing to a load of slackjawed Yanks bred ..... 11.05 ITV Weekend News 11.25 FILM: Now and Then 1.05 The Club 2.05 F1: Australian Grand Prix Live 5.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.10 The Hoobs 7.00 Skiing on 4 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sport Talk 11.00 Skiing on 4 11.55 FILM: Waterloo Road 1.15 Icons 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Sandown Park and Wolverhampton 3.30 Y Clwb Rygbi 6.00 In Your Face: John Hurt by Stuart Pearson Wright 6.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 6.30 Noson Lawen 7.30 Tipyn O Stad 8.00 Nia 9.00 Boys and Girls Vernon Kaye gets gullible young goons to make utter twats of themselves on national television in the hope of winning five pence and a half chewed Drumstick lolly. Oh, and possibly some money. Urgh.

Vernon Kaye makes my flesh creep, the Manc git-bag.

10.00 FILM: The Green Mile 1.20 The Salon 1.50 Without Prejudice? 2.50 Ash: Love and Destruction 3.15 FILM: Above Us the Waves 5.05 KOTV ...on a cultural diet of gangster rap and Mariah Carey.

Whaddaya think?”

“It’s cruel, it’s exploitative, and it plays damaging games with the fragile egos and psyches of its participants. I love it! Here, have a line of gak and the rights to Davina McCall’s trembling nubile flesh.”

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.30 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Beast Wars 11.00 The Adventures of Sinbad 11.55 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 12.50 Popular 1.45 Harry and Cosh 2.15 Cleopatra 2525 2.40 The Smash Hits Chart 3.15 Home and Away Omnibus 5.20 Scooby Doo on Zombie Island 6.50 Charmed 7.40 Dark Angel 8.30 five news 8.45 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.35 CSI: Miami 10.30 Law and Order 11.30 FILM: Crimes of Passion: Sleepwalker 1.05 FILM: Florida Straits 2.40 Xena: Warrior Princess 3.20 Melrose Place 4.05 First Wave 4.50 Monsters 5.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters I have a confession to make. Last Friday night, I went to Lashtastic. And danced to S Club 7. I know, I know. You used to think I was cool, you used to look to me for cultural guidance and saw me as a model of rock behaviour, and now that’s all been shattered.I feel I must apologise for letting you all down.

Saturday 8 March

25

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Sunday 9 March BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 TV Mail 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 12.50 EastEnders 2.45 Six Nations Grandstand: England v Italy 5.00 BBC News; Weather 5.20 Regional News 5.25 Songs of Praise 6.05 Last of the Summer Wine 6.35 Antiques Roadshow 7.20 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy Oh my fucking word...Comic Relief is bad enough without rehashing shit flops. The words ”you can’t polish a turd” come to mind.

8.00 Down to Earth 9.00 Clocking Off 10.00 BBC News 10.15 Panorama: The World's Most Unfair Meal - Ever 10.55 Match of the Day 11.40 FILM: Play Dirty 1.40 FILM: Death at Clover Bend 3.05 Joins BBC News 24 TV desk is in shock at the news of 3-D from Massive Attack’s arrest. Those celebs are falling like tranquilised sloths aren’t they? I’m not sure I buy this one though. It’s more than a coincidence that 3-D’s a prominent anti-war campaigner is it not? In the words of Mr. Cobain: “Just because you’re paranoid/ don’t mean they’re not after you” My Bristolian flatmate is in tears. See..

7.00 Red Nose Week on CBBC: Arthur 7.15 Looney Tunes 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.00 Smile 10.35 CBBC: Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 11.00 BBC Three Highlights on BBC Two: Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 11.30 BBC Three Highlights on BBC Two: Dermot's Sporting Buddies 12.00 Celebdaq 12.30 BBC Three Highlights on BBC Two: Dreamspaces 1.00 Greatest Hits: Paul McCartney 1.15 Match of the Day Live: Watford v Burnley 3.35 FILM: The Grass is Greener 5.15 Wild Britain: Rock Pools 5.25 Natural World: Sahara 6.15 Scrum V We won the Varsity match! I don’t give a toss!

7.00 Crufts 2003 9.00 SAS Jungle: Are You Tough Enough?

10.00 24 A big disappointment actually. The constant product placement is fucking me right off and the Arab bashing plotline is just too much.

10.45 The X Files 11.25 Correspondent 12.10 FILM: Mother 2.00 Physical Education 4.00 Languages: Germany Inside Out 1 and 2 5.00 Issues of Difference: Mistaken Identities ....what you’ve done Mr Blair!

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Ark 9.55 The Angry Beavers 10.25 Miffy and Friends 10.35 Tractor Tom 10.50 Engie Benjy 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Diocese of Truro 12.30 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 1.25 HTV News and Weather 1.30 F1: Australian Grand Prix 4.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 4.10 Waterfront 5.00 Carol Vorderman's Better Homes 5.30 HTV News 5.45 Coast to Coast 6.15 Wish You Were Here...?

6.45 ITV News 7.00 Barbara 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Cold Feet 10.35 ITV Weekend News 10.50 The All New Harry Hill Show 11.20 The South Bank Show 12.15 F1: Australian Grand Prix 1.25 Crossroads Omnibus 3.25 Dial-a-Date 3.55 Trisha Right, I’m not against charity but Comic Relief is the biggest load of toss out. Giving a few pence to Ethiopia while our own government (and the US) makes it repay millions of pounds of debt while denying it any foreign aid can really only be described as ‘pissing in the wind’. Why attempt to depoliticise a political issue?....

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Cash in the Attic 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.00 The Cramp Twins 4.15 The Make Shift 4.30 Jeopardy 4.55 Blue Peter 5.20 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy on CBBC CBBC's 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 7.30 X-Ray 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Comic Relief: Billy Connolly in African Hospital 11.35 Burn It 12.05 Body Hits 12.35 Liquid News 1.10 FILM: Emperor of the North 3.05 Joins BBC News 24

8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Binka 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Writing Across the Curriculum 11.30 Coming to England 11.50 See You, See Me, See Castles 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 FA Cup Draw 1.35 Trade Secrets 1.45 FILM: The Magnificent Ambersons 3.10 Hall of Fame 3.20 BBC News3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country Revisited 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 The Aristocracy 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Shooting Stars 10.00 The Kumars at No 42 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Scribbling 12.10 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 Three Revolutions in Mapping 1.00 Ever Wondered? 1.30 Women of Northern Ireland

Erin Brockovitch five 9pm

The Real Cliff Richard S4C 10pm

S4C

five

6.10 The Hoobs 6.25 The Hoobs 6.50 Blue's Clues 7.15 Investigators 7.35 Totally Spies! 8.00 City Guys 8.30 FILM: The Colditz Story 10.20 Wannabes 10.50 Dawson's Creek 11.40 Stargate SG-1 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Will and Grace 1.25 Will and Grace 1.55 The Salon 2.55 A Place in France 3.25 Maniffesto 4.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Cefn Gwlad 9.00 Iechyd Da 9.45 Newyddion 10.00 The Real Cliff Richard From an unnamed source: During a rehearsal for a live TV performance, Cliff lost his rag with a PA, called her a cunt and slapped her. Allegedly.

11.00 Film To Be Announced 1.00 Cheltenham Festival Preview 1.30 FILM: The Match ...Rather than Comic Relief, why not Smash the WTO day or Let’s not be bastard Capitalists month?

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 The Jesus Effect: Christianity's Cultural Impact 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Babar 9.30 George Shrinks 10.00 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 Revelations 12.00 Rooted 12.35 The Smash Hits Chart 1.10 five news 1.25 FILM: Air Speed 3.00 Great Artists 3.30 FILM: Crash Dive 5.30 Dream Holiday Home 6.20 FILM: Hercules in the Maze of the Minotaur 8.00 Ultimate Formula One 9.00 FILM: White Men Can't Jump Classic stuff. Worth watching for the “Ya mamma..” diss-fest (that’s what we say in Dorset). GR fav: “Ya mamma’s so hairy, under her arm, it looks like she’s got Don King in a headlock.”

11.15 World's Wildest Police Videos 12.10 NHL Ice Hockey: Anaheim Mighty Ducks v Detroit Red Wings 4.30 FIM World Supercross

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald “A special programme looking at charttopping singer Gareth Gates and his battle to conquer his stammer, revealing how he only truly finds his voice when he sings.” Do hear the sound of choking on corporate cock?

8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Great Escapes 11.00 First Past the Post 11.30 FILM: Dumb and Dumber 1.25 Champions League Weekly 1.50 Football League Extra 2.30 Wish You Were Here...? 2.55 Today with Des and Mel 3.45 Antiques Trail

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 River Cottage Forever 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad: Dilwyn Pierce 8.30 Ffermio 8.00 Cefn Gwlad: Dilwyn Pierce Dai Jones visits farmer and entertainer Dilwyn Pierce, who started his career on stage at the village hall in Llannefydd with the Young Farmers' Club.

Probably a Tory so fuck him.

9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio Serie A, the Primera Liga and the Bundesliga! All set to muzak!

Still the best programme on S4C! 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Buried 12.10 Empire 1.10 FILM: Odette 3.10 Scrap 4.00 Schools TV Desk’s fav meat based snacks: TV Alex - Beef jerky (not a man to turn down a hot beef injection). TV Amy Battered sausage (it is when she’s finished with it) Me - Nowt beats a good pasty. Yumm...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Nick's Quest 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Danielle Steel's Family Album 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 War in Iraq 8.00 Arrest and Trial 8.30 Weapons of World War II: Battleships 9.00 FILM: Erin Brockovich S’posed to be good. Haven’t seen it though. Sorry.

11.35 The Honey Trap “Reality game show based in Ibiza.

Three girls attempt to put a group of men through their paces with outrageous demands.” Sounds like shit.

12.05 Out There! 12.35 US PGA Golf: Ford Championship 1.25 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 2.55 Ironman Triathlon: Florida 3.45 Polaris Canterbury Snocross 4.30 Dutch Football: SC Heerenveen v PSV

Monday 10 March

Television

BBC1

elevision

GRiP

26

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Tuesday 11 March BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Cash in the Attic 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 Red Nose Week on CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.00 The Wild Thornberrys 4.15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.30 The Wild Thornberrys 4.40 The CBBC Comic Relief Show 4.55 Grange Hill 5.20 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy on CBBC 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy Rearrange these words to make a sentence: horse, dead, a, flogging. Charity schmarity, it’s still a bag of shite.

7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 A Life of Grime 9.30 UK's Worst... Journey?

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Hollywood Greats 11.55 Film 2003 12.25 FILM: Alfie 2.35 Sign Zone 4.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 6.30 Playing Safe 7.00 Red Nose Week on CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Megamaths 1.15 Watch 1.30 Science Zone 1.50 The Witness 1.55 Afoot Again in the Past 2.10 Wildlife on Two 2.40 am.pm 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country Revisited 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Featuring U2, Martha and the Muffins, Mariah Carey, Scritti Politti and Barry White. Respectively: overrated, great name shame about the band, not the same as Milli Vanilli, and rotund lovermachine lately defiled by associations with Ally McSqueal.

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Meades Eats: Whose Food?

8.00 Country Parish 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Living the Dream 9.50 Posh Nosh 10.00 Manchild Mmm... naked Giles from Buffy. *drifts into lusty reverie* 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Scribbling: AS Byatt 12.10 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 The Foxbusters 4.00 Hey Arnold!

4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League 9.45 Cold Feet: The Final Call 10.45 ITV News at Ten 11.15 Champions League Highlights 12.25 FILM: Mr Jones 2.20 Champions League 3.55 World Sport 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Right. I’m starting a campaign to get the godly godlike god that is Stephen Fry to present absolutely everything on TV. He made the BAFTAs, usually a vom-fest of terrifying proportions, into a dry, witty rollercoaster of comedy so I’m thinking he could do the same for all the other vacuous shite peddled in the name of entertainment. First up?

Countdown. Imagine the...

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Cash in the Attic 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies 3.45 Red Nose Week on CBBC 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 7.30 Changing Rooms 7.55 The National Lottery 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 The Food Police 9.00 Mandela: The Living Legend He should have got out more.

10.00 BBC News 10.35 They Think It's All Over 11.05 Hot Wax 11.55 Natalie Cole Live in London 1.00 Sign Zone: Rail Cops 1.40 Sign Zone: Panorama 2.20 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 3.05 Sign Zone: DIY SOS 3.35 Joins BBC News 24 Go and buy Turn On The Bright Lights

by Interpol or suffer my wrath.

6.00 Open University 6.50 Ever Wondered? 7.00 Red Nose Week on CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.00 am.pm 1.05 Stefan's Ultimate Gardens 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: The Bigamist TV Steve stars 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country Revisited 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 A Comic Relief special featuring Cliff Richard and the Young Ones, Monty Python, the Goodies, Billy Connolly and Hylda Baker with Arthur Mullard.

Billy Connolly did a charity record? World of Pain.

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 The Fur's Flying 8.00 The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Respectively, TV Amy, TV Alex and TV Steve. Har har har har!

9.00 Real Men 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Network East Late 12.00 Back to the Floor 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

Mandela: The Living Legend BBC1 9pm

Manchild BBC2 10pm

S4C

five

6.00 Animal Alphabet 6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Cheltenham: The Morning Line 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.00 Channel 4 attheraces: The Cheltenham Festival 4.10 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 To Be Announced 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion News.

8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio 9.00 Relocation, Relocation 10.00 Iechyd Da 10.45 The West Wing 11.45 V Graham Norton 12.35 NYPD Blue 1.10 To Be Announced 1.40 The Richard Taylor Interviews 2.05 FILM: Love Is a Many Splendored Thing 4.00 Schools ...heights of brilliance the show could reach if that fatuous old foole Whitely was replaced with Mr Fry! Genuinely witty banter with Carol, some decent wordplay anecdotes before the break, maybe even a kind word or two for the devoted audience of old ladies. Sack Whitely!...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Nick's Quest 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: No Name on the Bullet 3.45 FILM: The Almost Perfect Bank Robbery 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 War in Iraq 8.00 Crime and Punishment9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Boomtown 10.50 Murder Trail: Son of Sam 11.50 God Almighty 12.25 Kick Boxing: Now is the Time 1.20 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.10 2003 Winter X Games 3.35 Argentinian Football ...Bring on the Fry-ster! Join me, chums, and together we can save TV!

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Worst Best Friends And the award goes toooo.... me, for getting off with my best friend’s boyfriend when I was 17. I still feel guilty about that.

Sorry Karen.

5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Bill 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 At Home with the Braithwaites 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner 11.00 Champions League 12.05 Redcoats 12.30 Nash Bridges 1.20 Champions League: Manchester United v Basel 3.00 World Football 3.25 Entertainment Now! 3.50 Ghost Stories 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 The Cheltenham Morning Line 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.00 Channel 4 attheraces: The Cheltenham Festival 4.10 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Jara 9.00 04 Wal 9.30 Taro 9 10.00 Brookside 11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 This Model Life 1.00 To Be Announced 1.30 Monkey 2.25 Tour of Langkawi 2.50 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup 4.25 Citizen Power 4.50 National Gallery Debates rage between TV Alex and I as to whether Jackass is great entertainment or an utter abomination. Alex, naturally, has taken the moral highground (currently located up his anus) and declares it to be “retards ‘entertaining’ retards”. I, on the other hand, consider it a slightly arousing and hilarious world of pain and will be glued to the cinema screen when the film’s released. The delicious Johnny Knoxville being electrocuted, shot and burnt? Bring it on.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Nick's Quest 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Las Vegas Roundabout 3.40 FILM: Columbo: Candidate for Crime 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 War in Iraq 8.00 Dream Machine 8.30 Fifth Gear: The Ultimate Crash Test 9.00 FILM: Heartbreak Ridge 11.35 The Madam 12.35 La Femme Nikita 1.20 NHL Ice Hockey: Minnesota Wild v Dallas Stars 5.35 Fastrax I’m in a bad mood because I’ve just been told to take Nick Cave off the office stereo. FOOLES! Do you not understand how heart-rendingly beautiful his music is? Fuck off to the special school, you philistines.

So, to cheer myself up, I’m going to plug Fame Academy survivor Ainslie Henderson’s new single. I don’t often condone comparisons to Jeff Buckley, but in his case it’s justified. Buy it.

Wednesday 12 March

27

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Thursday 13 March BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Cash in the Attic 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.00 The Wild Thornberrys 4.15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.30 The Wild Thornberrys 4.40 The CBBC Comic Relief Show 4.55 Grange Hill 5.20 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Karl struggles with his lack of alcohol. Oh, how TV Desk can empathise. 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Match of the Day Live / Alternative Schedule: A world of pain tonight as the BBC utterly fails to get itself organised. You’ll either get football shit or non-football shit; honestly, it’s not worth finding out. 8.00 Ground Force 9.00 Traffic Cops 10.00 News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 This Week 12.25 FILM: Defenders 2.00 Joins BBC News 24 “It’s all gone a bit Sid James” - TV Steve. “Cock! Cock! Cock!” - TV Amy turns into Riath. No such wit from the other room, though.

“I’m too nauseous to be funny” Gemma.

6.00 Open University: Cities in a Hurry 6.30 Whose Web Is It Anyway? 7.00 Red Nose Week on CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Science Zone 1.20 Zig Zag Shorts France 1.30 Looking Good Tricks 1.40 FILM: Pillow Talk 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country Revisited 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Match of the Day Live / Alternative Schedule: 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Warren, Jonathan and Andrew unleash a demon whose powers make Buffy believe that the past six years have been a hallucination. Oh, if only it had been. 7.30 Remember Wales 8.00 Have You Remembered What Not to Wear? 8.30 How to Be a Gardener 9.00 Real Men 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Red Dwarf 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.35 Open Science: Invasion of the Plague Carriers 12.55 The Next Big Thing: Eyes in the Skies 1.30 The Science of Climate? 2.00 African Renaissance 2.30 Managing for Biodiversity 3.00 The Search for Reality 3.30 Curriculum Development 4.00 Languages 5.00 Issues of Difference: What's Your Problem The way you’re a stupid-ass cnut.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Prized Possessions 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 Digimon 4.10 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads Oona and Rocky are desperate for Betty's potion.

Fnarr! 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale Syd rejects Mack's olive branch.

Fnarr again! 7.30 Wales this Week is, once again, wet. And grey. And, evidently, not given to surprises. 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Maggie - The First Lady of psycho glares, scary-ass hair and ruinous politics. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Club Celebrity bar managers Dean Gaffney, Sam Fox and Richard Blackwood compete to run the hippest drinking hole in town.

Well, they ain’t gonna succeed with a rabble like that. *turns up nose* 11.30 Creative Road 12.00 Night and Day are turning into each other in the warped time zone of the GR office. 1.00 Now and Again 1.45 CD:UK 2.40 Cybernet 3.05 Trisha 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Cash in the Attic 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Woody Woodpecker 4.00 Chucklevision 4.15 The New Scooby Doo Mysteries Show 4.30 The CBBC Comic Relief Show 4.55 Blue Peter 5.20 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 6.55 Party Conference Broadcast by Plaid Cymru 7.00 Comic Relief 2003 “That Pudsey Bear is quite fit as teddies go” - Riath.

7.30 Special EastEnders /Celebrity Driving School 8.30 Ant and Dec and Harry Potter 2 8.45 Comic Relief Fame Academy Winner 9.00 Vic & Bob and Davina's Streetmates 9.45 Auf Wiedersehen Pet: Red Nose Special 10.00 News 10.35 Comic Relief 2003 11.30 Graham Norton 2.10 FILM: Tommy Boy 3.40 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: A Source of Inspiration 6.30 At the Local 7.00 Red Nose Week on CBBC 9.00 World Indoor Athletics 1.30 Working Lunch 2.30 The Phil Silvers Show 2.55 Taxi 3.20 News 3.30 World Indoor Athletics 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 The Best of Bill Oddie Goes Wild 8.30 The Plantsman 9.00 Secrets of Leadership: Churchill 9.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.00 Comic Relief University Challenge Grr. Even University Challenge has been taken over by Comic fucking Relief this week. And isn’t ‘Comic Relief’ the most misleading moniker ever? For one thing, it’s far from comic.

It’s a bunch of camera-hungry Z-list celebs doing stupid things, and why devote a whole week to that when it’s all they do anyway? 10.35 Newsnight 11.05 Newsnight Review 11.40 Party Conference Broadcast

by Plaid Cymru 11.45 Taken 1.10 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: Revisewise Challenge at School: Science

FILM: Day for Night five 1.15am

FILM: The Boy Nobody Wanted five 3.40pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 The Cheltenham Morning Line 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.00 Channel 4 attheraces: The Cheltenham Festival 4.10 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Popty Pop 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10.00 Aircrash: Aftermath Presumably lots of flames and dead people, but it’s not for TV Desk to point out the obvious.

11.05 Bang! Bang! Bangkok!

A programme about going to Bangkok red light districts, if the title hadn’t given it away already. 11.35 Frasier 12.05 V Graham Norton 12.35 20 Things to Do before You're 30 1.05 To Be Announced 1.35 To Be Announced 2.05 Tour of Langkawi 2.30 Are You Watching Jimmy Hill? Selfevidently not. I’m stuck in an office which reeks of pizza kicking a recalcitrant computer; still, better this than Jimmy Hill, eh? 3.30 FILM: Apache 5.00 Inset

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Nick's Quest 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: The Invisible Man 3.40 FILM: The Boy Nobody Wanted Riath, is this your life story?

“Isn’t it about Matthew Kelly’s valet?” - Nick. 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Irene begins to learn more about Paris. Good to see these colonials learning a bit more about the world. 6.30 Family Affairs Harry asks Gemma on a date. “Ooh yes please! I like the name” - Our Leader. 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 War in Iraq 8.00 FILM: Holy Man Appalingly bad Eddie Murphy shite. KILL! 10.10 FILM: The Fly II 12.15 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.55 Dutch Football: Zwolle v Ajax 2.25 Argentinian Football 4.30 Five Football Replay: PSV Eindhoven v Leeds Utd

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Making It 3.00 News 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.05 How II 4.30 Sir Gadabout 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Midsomer Murders 10.30 Facelift Diaries 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.30 Screen Gems 12.00 Dial-a-Date 12.30 The District 1.20 CD:UK Hotshots 1.50 Entertainment Now! Miles Davis and Yeah Yeah Yeahs on the stereo (not at the same time, unfortunately); Mr T and Riath pretending to be gladiators; funky new mice. 2.15 Veronica's Closet 3.00 Today with Des and Mel 3.50 World Football 4.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.45 Get Stuffed 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News This week, TV Alex loathes the retarded Jackass with a particular passion. You think it’s funny when you hurt yourself?

Well, see how much you’re laughing when I hurt you so much that you die, fuckerz.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Jara 7.00 Popcorn 7.25 Darllediad Cynadleddol: Plaid Cymru 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Igamogi What a fun word! 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De 9.30 Grand Designs 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.05 Boys and Girls Friday Christ, more common pikey shite to clog up the schedule. To make matters worse, it’s presented by the terminally awful Vernon Kaye.

11.35 Darllediad Cynadleddol: Plaid Cymru 11.40 Derren Brown: Mind Control 12.10 Eurotrash 12.40 Proper Bo Selecta! 1.10 FILM: There's a Girl in My Soup 2.45 Tour of Langkawi 3.10 To Be Announced Also yet to be announced are next year’s TV bods. Yes, that’s right: your beloved Amy, Alex and Stevo are departing TV for pastures new next year, and are thus on the prowl for fresh blood. So if you think you can even come close to us (ha! As if!), get thee emailing or come up to the GR penthouse, and we’ll see if you cut it. All sexual and monetary favours will be gratefully received...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Nick's Quest 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: The Gun and the Nun Fnarr!

3.50 FILM: The Hollywood Detective 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with...

Christian O'Connell 7.30 War in Iraq Best T-shirt Slogan Ever: “BUSH is another word for CUNT”. Not strictly anatomically accurate, though, it must be said. 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday Home 9.00 FILM: Cool Hand Luke 11.35 FILM: I Like to Play Games Ooh, TV Desk loves to play games. Especially with other people’s minds, hearts, egos and bodies. Mm-hmm. 1.15 FILM: Day for Night 3.10 Xena: Warrior Princess 3.50 Monsters 4.15 The Love Boat 5.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters It’s 2-0 to Mr T in the Tristan v Riath wars - but wait! The Arab pulls back a point in a barely-competitive cup-eating battle! Much tension abounds between the two - in more ways than one...

Friday 14 March

Television

BBC1

GRiP

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY STUDENTS’ UNION Sun 23 Mar

David Holmes Presents The Free Association

Mon 24 Mar

The Bluetones + support · £12.00 adv

Sat 12 Apr

The Coral + support · £9.50 adv

Thu 17 Apr

Placebo + support · £15.00 adv

Thu 24 Apr

The Mad Caddies + support · £9.00 adv

Tu e 08 May

+ Children (Live) + Pablo Psychonaut (DJ Set) · £8.00 adv

UT O D L O Please note that this date has been re-scheduled S from Wed 12 Feb. All tickets are still valid.

The Wildhearts

+ very special guest Amen + special guests · £12.50 adv

F r i 09 May

Kill II This/Breed 77 + support · £7.00 adv

Mon 12 May

Mogwai + support · £10.00 adv

Sun 18 May

Less Than Jake + support · £10.00 adv

Thu 05 Jun

Shed 7 + support £TBA

Please note that this date has been re-scheduled from Sun 04 May. All tickets are still valid.

Over 14’s Only Cardiff University Students Union, Park Place, Cardiff, CF10 3QN. Box Office: 029 2078 1458

Tickets for BARFLY CARDIFF are now available from the SU box office

®

18+ SHOWS (Doors 7.00pm)

Fri 07 Mar Tue 11 Mar Wed 12 Mar Fri 14 Mar Thu 20 Mar Sat 22 Mar Fri 28 Mar Sat 29 Mar

Athlete Ooberman Buffseeds The Kills Aerogramme Blood Brothers Wheatus Hot Hot Heat

£7.00 adv £7.00 adv £5.00 adv £6.00 adv £5.00 adv £7.50 adv £12.00 adv £5.00 adv

The Bandits 22-20’s Lo Fidelity All Stars (DJ Set) Burning Brides Fri 04 April Thu 10 April The Bays Mon 21 April Radio 4 The Selecter Fri 25 April Mon 31 Mar Tue 01 April Thu 03 April

£5.00 adv £5.00 adv £6.00 adv £5.00 £7.00 £7.00 £9.00

adv adv adv adv

ALL AGE SHOWS (Doors 3.00 pm - 7.00 pm)

Sun 09 Mar Sun 30 Mar Sun 13 April

Farse £5.00 adv Jet Plane Landing £5.00 adv Fony £5.00 adv

Sun 01 June Sun 20 July

MU330 Nerf Herder

£6.00 adv £7.00 adv

On Sale Soon - Cooper Temple Clause, The Levellers, V2003 All tickets subject to booking fee.

gair rhydd 03 03 03

•15

gair rhydd 03 03 03

16 •

Summer Ball TWO THOUSAND & THREE FRIDAY 13th JUNE 7pm - 2am

COMING SOON

Final line-up will be announced at Jive Hive on Wednesday 12th March and the chance to WIN the first pair of tickets

gair rhydd 03 03 03

• 17

MONDAYS

TUESDAYS £3.50

3 rooms of fun and a f***ed up music policy!

Live comedy at its finest from the cream of the UK’s rising comedy stars.

Free until 11pm £1 after 11pm

The Comedy Network has produced some of Britain’s finest funnymen and funnywomen Frank Skinner, Harry Hill, Jenny Éclair and Al Murray.

Wine £5 a bottle

WEDNESDAYS

FRIDAYS

£3

THE WEEKEND STARTS HERE INTERNATIONAL NIGHT OF MYSTERY

80’S NITE IN THE BACKROOM SEE FLYERS FOR THEMED NIGHTS (TARTS & VICARS, SCHOOL DISCO, ETC)

LIVE JAZZ & DJs ON ROTATION IN THE BACKROOM

18 •

gair rhydd 03 03 03

gair rhydd 03 03 03

•19

Features

gair rhydd features section Free Word 736 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

03 03 03

On the Road to Nowhere Following our ban on using pictures of Justin, we found a loop-hole and managed to use Jude instead. Karen Richards looks at the state of his, and other celebrity couplings. relationships will come under media scrutiny. Having a high profile boyfriend or girlfriend will only amplify things. Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent attachment to new boyfriend, Chris Martin of Coldplay, has meant that her love life is yet again in the spotlight.

The most recent affair causing havoc with our emotions, is the announcement of Jennifer Lopez’s engagement to Ben Affleck. I have to say that, like others I am sure, I was heart broken! After meeting on the set of Gigli and forming an attachment they have publicly congratulated each other’s talents in magazines. Their love has been described as “a very public, unstoppable force”, almost in an attempt to prove to the public that this marriage won’t end in divorce, as did her previous two. When she married Cris Judd (just over a year ago) J-Lo was already an international superstar worth millions, marrying one of her backing

have lasted so long. Actors who spend months away from their loved ones due to work commitments, such as Kate Winslet, are reported to have felt the pressure of separation. Kate’s Oscar nominations for her roles in Titanic and Sense and Sensibility meant that she had already captured the glare of publicity when she married Jim Threapleton, which piled pressure onto their relationship. That some celebrity relationships do last despite media attention, stand up Posh and Becks (one of the most reported on couples), seems like a miracle to me.

In the Hollywood community, divorce has become commonplace.

Last year’s split between Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, after more than ten years of marriage, was blamed on the pressures of their work commitments. Some couples have been blamed for giving up too easily on their relationship, although trying to imagine what it must be like for them continually in the spotlight is almost impossible.

As celebrity relationships seem to have become public property, one wonders, is it really fair to constantly comment on the state of relationships of people we don’t even know, and why do we care anyway? In today’s society it appears we are often looking for something or someone better than we have already, and that when things get a bit rough, we choose to opt out of the relationship rather than hang in there.

When a celebrity couple or marriage breaks down, it always causes a stir.

We are usually quick to comment on how we already predicted that it wouldn’t last. Still, if the saying ‘true love conquers all’ is correct then it shouldn’t “cost a thing”.

E

ver thought about how it might feel to have your relationship exposed for thousands of people to read?

Ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend that you just don’t want to be reminded about constantly? It’s beginning to become obvious why celebs find it so hard to settle down.

Who ever said that relationships were easy? It feels like celebrity marriages are in the news constantly at the moment. The balance of having a celebrity marriage whilst conducting a successful career seems to be tricky and critics inevitably predict the failing of a marriage before it has even started.

The papers are taking a more than interested look at the recent break-up of couple Jude Law and Sadie Frost, and are still pursuing Nicole Kidman’s break-up with Tom Cruise, showing the ongoing exposure that celebs have to face. One of the most prevalent showbiz stories so far has been the split between Zoë Ball and Norman Cook.

Just over two weeks ago they announced that their marriage was in trouble. Emotional tales have since been revealed which often surround break-ups such as this one. One minute they are talking about how much they love each other, and the next they split up. I can’t help but think that the intrusion into the private lives of celebrity couples can only facilitate a tense atmosphere between them. Increasing speculation over whether couples have split up or ended their relationship, are all too frequent in the showbiz world.

Either this or we are subjected to the bad news more often than the good. The pressure of balancing work and play is evidently difficult to deal with. There is nothing wrong with being career driven, but it does have its down sides, not leaving much time for a healthy relationship. Hollywood status means that inevitably any

dancers. How often do working relationships last? Maybe you can answer that for yourself. Despite much criticism Ben and Jen are on the list as being Hollywood’s next ‘golden couple’.

Why is it that celebrity relationships seem to often take a tumble for the worst?

Well, any healthy relationship requires time and effort, and having A-List Hollywood status is dominating for one person, let alone two.

Do celebs use their partners’ fame to their advantage? It has been suggested that Jennifer Lopez might be doing this with Ben Affleck, or just maybe this is true love. Talking openly about certain aspects of their private lives, means that inevitably other information will be revealed too. The right to privacy versus the right to comment serves the interest of the public. If we are interested in a star we are likely to be interested in other parts of their life. It sells news and that isn’t going to change in a hurry.

Perhaps one of the most famous celebrity couples who seem to have found a perfect balance is Madonna and Guy Ritchie. With the unique problems associated with stardom to deal with as well as normal relationship issues, you have to wonder how some couples

features meeting, mondays @ 1.15pm

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Features • 21

House of Horrors

As anyone who’s ever tried to rent a house in Cardiff will know, it’s a horrendously fiendish thing to organise. One particular student recounts his almost laughably bad experiences of certain agencies’ proferrings, when looking for houses last month. Names have been changed to protect the not-so innocent.

F

inding a house is every student’s nightmare, so one would imagine January would be early enough to start looking, but alas, as we found out, NO, it’s not.

Evidently, houses fit for human occupancy are signed for within the first week of January. Or this is the line we were spun by the agencies?

However we want to know who lives in these rare elusive houses? And where exactly are they?

It is clear that a studenthousing crisis is on the horizon. Will we be expected to start looking in September? Should Cardiff take note of movements in London and Newcastle where houses can’t be signed for until May? And is a Union housing fair in early February still relevant or are the housing agencies using scare tactics? These were all questions that we wanted to find out answers to.

As a group of four second year students, we didn’t imagine that finding a house with four reasonably sized rooms would be a problem. Our current house wasn’t bad but with one of us living in a particularly small room, we decided to search for a better option for next year. We came to discover however, that this would be the least of our problems. Here’s our hellish house hunt diary.

Day 1 – Letting Agent A

We had been promised to see properties of a high standard with the added extras of laminated flooring and leather sofas. We couldn’t believe our luck.

However this was short lived when introduced to our agent for the morning. Lets just say he was a diamond geezer but with less of the diamond and more of the cubic zirconium variety. The luxury flat we were promised was no more than a basic shoe box. The laminated flooring turned out to be a few foot wide and although nicely furnished it wasn’t worth the £250 per month rent and full rent over the summer. Next we were shown a property on Wyvern Road. This could have hosted Mugatu’s ‘Derelique’ fashion show from Zoolander. After a quick look around here we were off to Cranbrook street which didn’t look particularly inviting with it’s rape alley- esque steps, nor were we attracted to the railways in-situe position to the house.

However, this was nothing in comparison to the lack of daylight in the house. And it has to be said that it’s cave like features were reminiscent of club metropolitan.

Finally we were taken to a luxurious grand flat, the first of which we would actually live in. This was until we established that there was actually no separate front door. Great stuff!

Day 2 – Letting Agent B Not disheartened by our experiences with Agent A we decided to give another agent a chance. However we couldn’t help but feel a dreaded touch of deja vu when we were once again taken to Cranbrook Street.

This house was marginally better than the last, however, its striking occupants could have blurred

our judgements. Yes they were boys, not rats.

Secondly we were led down a back alley off Salisbury Road – safety obviously not being a main priority. Once again this was a flat…Once again it was lacking a separate front door. However it was not all doom and gloom as Agent B told us a door could be fitted. Nevertheless we were still concerned as to why there wasn’t one there in the first place. The commune type décor didn’t take our fancy either.

Although we must state there were beautiful views across Sailsbury Road. Yes there were in fact windows and daylight. Miraculous indeed!!

Day 3 – Letting Agent C Next up was everybody’s ‘favourite’ letting agency. After being sat in their industrial Ikea gone wrong office for two hours we couldn’t help but notice the striking resemblance between them with David Brent and his co-workers. The big boss sits at his authoritative central desk, running the show with his fish like features. Surrounded by his animated staff (or lack of), these three “highly qualified, ambitious, skilled, top of the range estate agents” attempted to find us a house. We were horrified when one worker began to gyrate to Punjabi MC. We are still unsure as to whether this was an attempt to impress us or distract us from the chaotic shambles that is Letting Agent C. Two hours later we had looked at a grand total of three houses. Evidently it’s not just us students who don’t answer the phone or door to these particular agents. Who can blame them really, with Sharky and George running the show? At this point there was no surprise that the houses were…shit.

Day 4 - Letting Agent D On our final day (as we could take no more) we decided to view houses with one last agent… our last flicker of hope quickly vanished when the woman taking the viewings could only be described as ‘Ab Fab’ gone horrifically wrong. No, we weren’t so superficial as to judge her on appearance alone, the fact that she had no idea what she was doing-think Bubbles on a bad day- also contributed. For the third day running we were taken to the beautiful Cranbrook Street. Agent D was about as organised as we had come to expect- the house we had been taken to had already been signed up for the next year.

Eventually we were taken to what appeared to be our dream home. Spacious, nicely furnished- front door and daylight were included as well; amazing.

However we did become slightly alarmed when we realised that there were 5 bedrooms and not 4.

‘Bubbles’’ only excuse was, “You’re gonna think we’re right idiots aren’t you?”... YES!!

To everyone out there, we hope your house hunting has been more successful than ours. For us, the student-housing system in Cardiff has been a huge disappointment. Despite viewing a vast array of houses, the majority were unsuitable for human occupancy.

After seeing the shit available for students offered by the various agencies we decided to stay with our private landlord, at least our little hobbit hole was free of damp and rats. Unfortunately, as our landlord kindly told us, we were too late and our house had already been signed for…

Contact us Address gair rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434 Advertising – 0845 1300667 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

The students had to leave Cathays to view the last house...

gair rhydd 03 03 03

22 • Features

Weapons of mass distraction..

With everyone still wittering on about war, Dan McKee makes some excellent points about just how daft the whole affair has become...

I

f it weren’t for the fact that so many will die needless, horrific deaths, it would almost be funny. If it weren’t also for the fact that so many innocent people have already died painful and tragic deaths, it could even be farce. But the gravity and glaring reality of the situation in Iraq just make the absurdities and ridiculousness of this latest instalment of the long-running Gulf War saga, sickeningly sad.

When I think about the recent weapons inspections in Iraq, I can’t help but think of the witch trials in old Salem. If the accused floated when tied down with rocks and dropped in water, they were a witch and would be killed. If they sank and drowned, they were innocent.

Either way, they wound up dead, the status of their witchery redundant in the necrotic aftermath.

And so it was, our leaders informed us, after over a decade of imposed sanctions that have already killed over a million people (mainly children) in a devastated country we have been bombing regularly since 1998 that is still littered with depleted uranium shells we left there, radioactive and polluting, on our first visit twelve years ago, that our old enemy of the month and "New Hitler" de jour, Saddam Hussein, has been developing terrifyingly titled "weapons of mass destruction" (WMD). They told us that this was true and that they knew it to be true, but that they had no real proof they could

immediate threat from Iraq. Also, directly contradicting continuing claims from many US and UK hawks involved and the media, in his opening statement, Mr. Blix said "Iraq has on the whole cooperated rather well so far. Access has been provided to all sites we have wanted to inspect."

But just because she wasn’t a witch did not mean she did not have to die!

Instead of the report being seen as a sign that after 60 days of inspection nothing of desperate note was discovered and that maybe this sudden hype about Iraq being a new clear and present danger was all a crazed political delusion, we are told that if the weapons inspectors don’t find anything then this can only mean one thing: not that Iraq doesn’t have what we think it has, but that Iraq is hiding the WMD that we know they have better than we thought!

Now this is what confuses me. If we really know that these weapons are there, if we are so absolutely sure and have the proof that we can actually state, in the face of contrary evidence from a professional body of inspectors who actually have access to the suspected sites, that these things definitely exist…then why are the inspectors there at all? What have they to find if we really know what we claim to know?

Or, perhaps we don’t really know what we claim to know, and talk

yourself, the guy was just as barbaric back then as he is today...only back then he was politically useful to us so we turned a blind eye.

We claim Saddam to be a monster because he kills Kurds in his country, but do we do anything about our own neighbours and NATO ally, Turkey, whose repression of Kurdish people is notorious? We claim that he could terrorize the world with his weapons of mass destruction when the most regular uses of bio-weaponry come from America itself, just as the US is the only country to have ever actually used nuclear weapons…those massacres at Hiroshima and Nagasaki themselves unnecessary strategic machinations against a country about to surrender anyway, used to ensure the US’s post-war world dominance against the Soviet Union. Meanwhile we have British defence secretary Geoff Hoon saying that he doesn’t rule out the possibility of using nuclear weapons in Iraq!

But of course, we’re the good guys, so they are our "nuclear defences" not "weapons of mass destruction" in the bias of political semantics…

There’s no more pressing reason to obsess after Saddam than there is to go after any other of the myriad repressive regimes around the world, but obsessed we clearly are. America has been pushing for this war since before September 11th. The very day of the attacks on the US, politicians and media pundits were trying to finger Iraq…and

show us to ascertain the credibility of their truth claims and that Saddam should let UN weapons inspectors back into his country so that we could actually prove he has the weapons that we claim to know he has.

It took a while to convince Iraq to let inspectors back in because the last time they were there they were admitted to be not so much weapons inspectors as they were American spies, but eventually Iraq conceded, much to America’ chagrin, for when Hussein first agreed to allow the inspectors back in, America bizarrely rejected the idea!

Realizing the weirdness of saying no to what they had been asking for very vocally for so long, the US finally organized the current inspections, but it was almost shades of the original Gulf War when George W Bush’s daddy rejected several of Saddam’s offers to surrender and leave the then-occupied Kuwait alone…except that time, Bush’s rejection of Saddam’s offer for compromise and diplomacy led to immediate war before anyone could question the reasoning behind rejecting diplomacy, this time, we threw diplomacy a bone and eventually agreed to the inspections that we wanted in the first place…deciding to prolong the inevitable war for a while.

And inevitable it is, for soon the witch trial became clear. The reaction to Hans Blix’s January 27th report on what he and his team have found in Iraq, showed that, whatever the inspectors find, war is clearly going to happen regardless.

The report itself told us nothing much that we did not already know and there was no firm or concrete evidence about any new or

of Saddam’s WMD is just distractionary posturing while our leaders find a good excuse for the war they want so badly?

They don’t really seem to care about the evidence and the facts about these infamous WMD at all; just as the old prosecutors of Salem did not care about the logic behind their system…they just want to burn their witch. So whatever the result of the inspections, they are going to war, because they want to, and they have decided that they will.

I am not in any way trying to deny Saddam’s status as a slaughtering tyrant. The guy is no doubt a brutal murdering dictator and the people of Iraq need to get rid of him. But war is not the answer. War will merely kill more innocent Iraqis- people who have already been through so much. Not only that, but it will, as it has before, most likely make the people rally around their President against their attackers, bolstering Saddam’s support instead of ousting him. Surely the point is to emancipate them from this terror, not cause them any more needless suffering?

Saddam is not the only brutal dictator or possessor of weapons of mass destruction in the world either. Britain and America have massive nuclear and biological capabilities, not to mention India, Pakistan, North Korea, and Israel, to name just a small selection of the many other armed and dangerous countries dotted about the globe. In other countries, dictators have been welcomed by our governments, just as Saddam was welcomed as a friend back when he was on America’s side in the war against Iran, and don’t fool

then when they realised they couldn’t and blamed Al-Qa’ida instead, they still tried to find links between Iraq and Al-Qa’ida…links they could not find.

And so, instead we were told Saddam had these mystical, magical WMD, and after a year of roller-coaster-ever-changing excuses, we are all set to go to war against Iraq and no one quite remembers what exactly it was that started all the war-cries in the first place, just that Hussein is a very bad man and war is the only answer because without war we will all die from these terrible weapons…oh, and something about oil!

It truly is absurd, and our blatant disregard for international opinion and international convention is frankly against international law, but it seems America, and it’s faithful lackey Britain, have decided now that they are the law, no matter what anyone else has to say on the matter, no matter how much their people oppose the idea of war, no matter what other nations feel, and no matter how little sense it makes to attack Iraq.

And people wonder why there is so much anger towards America across the globe.

On a recent Saturday in London, and across the world, millions turned out to demonstrate against war, hopefully, but alas improbably, showing our leaders that they can’t continue ignoring our opinions - no matter how gung-ho on war they are. Let’s just hope someone listens before its too late, when once again we start killing innocent people under the pretence of saving their lives.

gair rhydd 03 03 03

Focus • 23

From midnight on Friday 7th March 2003, you’ll be able to tune into Xpress Radio, on 107.2FM. Over 40,000 people are expected to tune into the station, which is run entirely by student volunteers from all over the city. Here at gair rhydd, we decided to find out what the station will be offering the students of Cardiff over the coming month...

During the Day...

From 7 in the morning until 7 in the evening, Xpress Radio will bring you a unique blend of cutting edge music, information and entertainment. The daytime shows will feature question and answer sessions with the candidates for this year’s executive elections, as well as interviews with a plethora of celebrities, society presidents and club captains.

Watch out for...

The Roop Jones Breakfast Show, 7am-10am.

Featuring interviews with the likes of Zippy and George, and the Cheeky Girls.

The Pulse Xpress Radio has a dedicated news team, which will bring you the latest in student news, as it happens. The Pulse news bulletins will be broadcast on the hour, every hour, and will help to keep you up to date on the issues that affect you.

Be sure to tune in on March 20th, when the Pulse team will announce the results of the executive elections live on air.

Loads of Prizes You can win quite literally thousands of pounds worth of prizes on Xpress Radio in the coming months, including:

Come the Evening...

From 7pm onwards, the station broadcasts a variety of specialist music shows, ranging from breakbeat to bhangra, and from drum ‘n’ bass to eighties pop.

Watch out for...

Priority (Radio 1’s ‘Best Student Radio Show’), Every Monday at 7pm. Featuring exclusive interviews with Simian, Queen Adreena, Hell is for Heroes, Brendan Benson, Kenesis, Raveonettes, Turin Brakes, Supergrass, Hundred Reasons, and the mighty Foo Fighters, as well as sessions with the Jeevas, Brendan Benson and Econoline.

Woodville Road

Xpress Radio Events Xpress Radio will be holding a Launch Party in Solus on Friday 7th March.

The station will also be holding its annual roadshow in Cardiff City Centre. A number of Cardiff’s finest student performers will be outside the Capitol Centre to help entertain the city.

Watch out for...

Xpress Radio Goes Acoustic live in the Taf. Five acoustic sets in one night, and cheap beer, all in your favourite drinking establishment. Be sure to stay tuned to 107.2FM for further info.

The Xpress Radio Chart The aim of the Xpress Radio music policy isn’t just to provide Cardiff’s student population with the music that they love, but also to introduce new and innovative records to the airwaves. Through Xpress Radio, Cardiff’s students were the first to hear of artists such as Kosheen, Destiny’s Child and Coldplay.

Each week, Xpress Radio compiles a top 20 with these aims in mind. Over the past six months the Xpress Radio Music department have been out gigging tirelessly on your behalf, pausing only to listen to about a thousand new CDs in an effort to select those new bands that are pushing the musical frontiers for your listening pleasure. Considering this, you might wonder what Kelly Osbourne is doing in the album chart. What can be said? Democracy is sometimes a frightening thing.

Singles 1. Junior Senior - Move Your Feet 2. Grand Popo Football Club - Men Are Not Nice Guys 3. Johnny Boy - Johnny’s Theme 4. Elviss - Radio 5.The Dysfunctionals - Payback Time 6. The Jeevas - Once Upon A Time In America 7. NERD - Provider (Zero 7 mix) 8. Mew - Comforting Sounds 9. Coldplay - Clocks 10. Buck65 - Square 1 11. Missy Elliott - Gossip Folks 12. The D4 - Ladies Man 13. Reuben- Let’s Stop Hanging Out 14. OK Go - Get Over It 15. Dirty Vegas- Simple Things 16. The Coral - Don’t Think You’re The First 17. Placebo - The Bitter End 18. Har Mar Superstar - Power Lunch 19. Avril Lavigne - I’m With You 20. The Vessels - Hang Onto Your Love

Cardiff’s very first student radio soap will chart the adventures of Kate, Francesca, Nicki, Josh, Will and Gareth as they make their way through their first year at Uni. Promising a mixture of Hollyoaks passion and Neighbours comedy, Woodville Road looks set to become a cult show with a huge listenership. Each cast member will have a number of secrets to reveal over the course of the coming weeks - so make sure you tune in at 6.45pm on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. And if you miss an episode during the week, you can always catch up with the Sunday omnibus, at 7pm.

The show’s writers will be keeping an eye on the station’s message board to find out what you think about how the soap is developing.

Make sure you have your say on http://xpressradio.co.uk and click on the icon marked “Xpression”.

Passes to one of Cardiff ’s Premier Gyms Unlimited Coffee at Coffee Republic Cinema Tickets A meal for 2 Hand-made Cosmetics for the girls; Lynx toiletries for the boys A Microwave Copious amounts of alcohol One of the coveted Xpress Radio goodie bags

All the latest news from the world of showbiz will of course be brought to you by the Xpress Radio presenters, throughout the day. However, for those of you who can’t get enough goss, be sure to tune into the station’s half hour dedicated to keeping an eye on how the other half live. Every Friday at 7.00pm the Xpress Radio entertainment experts will be bringing you the latest film reviews, coverage of the Oscars, and Xpress Radio’s own version of Pop Idol.

Competitions will be featured on shows throughout the broadcast, you can enter by phone, or online.

For all of you Neighbours fans, the Neighbours special will be a must, featuring interviews from former cast members, and some of Cardiff’s finest Neighbours anoraks will battle it out for the trivia crown in the station’s “Neighbours Showdown”.

Albums

Celebrity Gossip

Student Bullying

Student Issues

Student Sports

Many people think that bullying is something that we leave behind in the playground, but unfortunately many students are bullied whilst at University. Xpress Radio’s lead campaign will be focused on this frequently ignored problem.

A wide range of issues will be covered on the station. Core student concerns such as housing and alcohol awareness will be examined in a series of half hour documentaries, which you can catch on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at 7.00pm.

The latest news from the University playing fields will be announced every Wednesday afternoon, when our team of sports reporters will report on all of the major games. From Tennis to Tiddlywinks - Xpress Radio has it all.

Throughout the coming few weeks, Xpress Radio will be looking at the way bullying affects students. Advice and support will be available both on air, and online.

Date rape, domestic violence, homelessness and eating disorders will also be explored in this time slot. As always, more information will be available on the station website.

Do you feel your favourite sport doesn’t get enough coverage? Please contact the station if you have any results you want to share with the students of Cardiff.

1. Cave In - Antennae 2. Turin Brakes - Ether Song 3. David Holmes - Analyze That Soundtrack 4. Kelly Osbourne - Shut Up 5. Everclear - Slow Motion Daydream ...and that’s the state of it this week. To hear the latest tunes to arrive at Xpress Radio towers, along with a batch of exclusive interviews and sessions, listen in to Priority, Mondays from 7pm.

You can subscribe to the Xpress Radio Chart by emailing music@xpressradio.co.uk, and comment on it on the Music Messageboard at http://xpressradio.co.uk.

What do you think?

If you want to tell us what you think about Xpress Radio, or take part in any of the competitions, you can contact the station on: Telephone

029 2078 1530 Text

For the latest information on Xpress Radio, including schedules and information on all of the station’s campaigns, visit the station website at:

http://xpressradio.co.uk

83080

(Messages will cost no more than 25p) (Start your text with “text4 xr”)

Fax

029 2078 1522 Email

studio@xpressradio.co.uk

“

It was a victory of academics over sportsmen, something you don’t normally see.

”

Matthew Perkins, 19th February 2003.

Sport

Varsity match reaction and interviews.

COMMENT. Below

VARSITY RUGBY. Page 27-28

IMG football results and tables

p. 25

p. 27

Issue 736. 3rd March 2003 Sport Editors: David Williams, Riath Al-Samarrai, Daniel Evans.

Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net

BUSA. Page 26

Page 24

Simon says he’s on the road to recovery Interview by David Williams Sports Editor AFTER BURSTING on to the international cricket scene last year, Glamorgan fast bowler Simon Jones suffered heartbreak as a serious knee injury brought a premature end to his first Ashes tour.

“As a player you aspire to play at the top level. I went to the Academy and that helped a lot because it developed me as a person as well as a player. I never dreamt I would play for England but it happened and things had gone well for me up until that point in Australia,” says the 24-year old.

Llanelli-born Jones, who only made his England debut against India last summer, is

now on the long road to recovery but is not planning on rushing back from injury.

“It’s coming along slowly.

I’m not going to predict when I’m going to come back or what I’m going to achieve. I’m going to take it one-step at a time, maybe the end of the season if I’m lucky. That’s a massive bonus if I do but probably next season.”

Despite only playing in a handful of games of England’s Ashes tour before having to fly home, Jones, son of former Glamorgan and England bowler Jeff, is still able to take something from his experience down under.

“I was the bowler who got the first wicket of the Ashes series. It’s nice but I would have liked to take a stack more. You’re playing against the best team in the world and it was an adrenaline rush for me and I loved every

minute of it.”

After his debut at Lords where he made an impressive 44 with the bat, the paceman is only just starting to get used to the atmosphere of Test cricket surroundings.

“To be in the same changing room as these guys is a weird feeling. It takes a bit of getting used to but as soon as you get on the field and start performing and taking wickets, it becomes natural then.”

With a long lay-off ahead and a 4-1 Ashes defeat for England, Jones is adamant that he can make a successful return and quell his frustrations.

“No one has seen how quick I can bowl. Every time I’ve played for England I’ve had a little niggle and I know I can bowl a lot quicker. But that’s something I’ve got to prove and I’m sure I’m going to come back and prove it.”

Dragons feel the heat of the English David Williams reports WALES’ 26-9 loss at home to England represented a moral victory for Steve Hansen’s side after the heavy criticism that courted their humiliating defeat to Italy in Rome.

Had it not been for Mark Taylor’s failure to convert what seemed a simple overlap in the first half, the Millennium Stadium crowd could have witnessed an unexpected win for Wales under reinstated captain Jonathan Humphreys.

With six changes to the team that lost 30-22 against the Italians, Wales had started with the passion and commitment that had been absent in Rome. Their attacking play allowed new outside-half Ceri Sweeney to slot over two penalties with his opposite number Jonny Wilkinson replying with three, to make it 9-6 at half-time.

The second half began with England down to fourteen

decider with Ireland at Landsdowne Road. The Irish will also be confident of taking the trophy, with Brian O’Driscoll in top form and having demolished both Scotland and Italy.

At the bottom of the table, the match at Murrayfield between the Welsh and the Scots could determine who finishes with the wooden spoon, something Steve Hansen will want to avoid in preparation for this year’s World Cup.

Colin out, John in

Lawrence feeling the Blues Riath Al Samarrai, Sports Editor

Simon Jones hides disappointment of a difficult winter

players after substitute Phil Christophers was sin-binned for deliberately obstructing Gareth Thomas.

This however, seemed to spur the England forwards on and after several phases of play Will Greenwood slipped two tackles to cross under the posts. The Lions centre has now scored a record six tries against Wales.

The home side’s lack of real chances was mirrored by England’s domination of possession and with Neil Back off injured Joe Worsley sniped from two yards to put the game beyond Wales.

With a further penalty for each side, the seventeen point margin was harsh on Wales, but did represent an improvement given England’s march towards the Grand Slam after their win over France at Twickenham.

Despite being outscored three tries to two by last year's champions, England’s victory looks to have set up a potential Championship

PRESSURE IS mounting on Cardiff City manager Lennie Lawrence as his side continue to show the inconsistency that has dogged them since the New Year.

Heading into the Christmas period, City were sitting pretty at the head of the Division Two table, but have since faltered on the back of some disappointing displays and find themselves resting anxiously in the play-off places.

Lawrence has endured much of the flak for the drop in form, both in the media

and more worryingly, among his own fans. “The reaction is worse than any I have experienced in my life as manger,” he said, “expectation at a club like this is huge.”

City have been guilty of complacency in recent weeks and the points dropped against ‘lesser opposition’ have led to disgruntled groans echoing round their Ninian Park home.

“Obviously it was bitterly disappointing to concede so late on against teams like Oldham who are in the race with us. We are in a rut at the moment but it will pass,”

stressed the City chief.

More frustrating for the former Middlesborough boss was the poor draw against mid-table Plymouth Argyle: “They had the determination to be first to the ball, and to concede another late goal was a dagger to the heart. We can’t scrape any lucky wins at the moment.”

Relief has been found in City’s form on the road. A superb victory at Port Vale courtesy of strikes from Gavin Gordon and Peter Thorne has kept the Bluebirds in contact with automatic promotion.

After play-off agony last season, City’s expectant following won’t tolerate

further disappointment, and with Sam Hammam’s millions bankrolling the side, failure may not be an option for Lennie Lawrence.

Worrying times for Lennie

Supersub Giggs puts United into last eight Nick Byrne reports IT WAS a night for the substitutes as Manchester United cruised through to their seventh consecutive Champions League quarterfinal spot last Tuesday with an emphatic 3-0 demolition away to Juventus.

United top the group after Ryan Giggs and Ruud van Nistelrooy both came off the bench to score and see off the Italian giants.

At the other end Roy Keane slotted in superbly at centre back alongside Rio Ferdinand

to block out Juve’s strike force.

Giggs made the biggest impact of an entertaining first half with two strikes. The second a fine solo effort that will surely add spice to the transfer speculation surrounding the Welsh winger.

Van Nistelrooy made sure of the win with a simple tap in after a mix up in the Juve defence.

Manager Alex Ferguson can now relax and use the remaining games to give his stars some much needed rest and introduce some of his youngsters to the first team fold.

Newcastle are back in contention for the quarter finals after steam rolling Bayer Leverkusen with 3-1 victories both home and away. The Toon Army can now forget their opening two defeats and look forward to their away game against Inter Milan, confident of getting the win they need to progress.

Arsenal were frustrated by a resilient Ajax side, with both fixtures producing dour draws. Ronald Koeman’s claim that his team got the maximum from the two games begs the question of whether he’s aware that three points are awarded for a win.

The Dutch side looked dangerous once they gained confidence and broke free from their ultra-defensive game plan.

Arsenal now top a very tight Group B, which after Roma’s shock away win in Valencia is finally looking like the group of death it had promised to become.

Arsenal may well rule the Premiership but when it comes to Champions League football Manchester United are currently on another plain, proving that experience is everything.

The Gunners are still a few years behind.

Van Nistelrooy, on hand to punish the Italians

Inter Mural Games

March 3 2003

Page 25

grsport@hotmail.com

Swansea conquered

by IMG Barbarians Billy Lee for gr Sport IMG Select 3 - 1 Swansea III THE CREAM of IMG was on show for the first time as a select football team was involved in the Varsity.

There was a fair representation of teams with two players each from Law A, Momed, Accountancy, RPR, Torpedo Engin and one from FC Real, Chemsoc, Irish and Jomec.

The match started slowly for the Barbarians who gave away possession from the kick off and were lucky to escape conceding an early goal.

However, as the first half wore on it was clear that the Barbarians were gaining the upper hand on a difficult pitch. Josh Minagawa and

Matt Johnson were starting to boss the midfield and had it not been for a strong wind, either of the two could have been through on goal on separate occasions.

The deadlock was finally broken after 20 minutes when Minagawa hit a perfect through ball for Jack Pitcher who coolly rounded the keeper to open the scoring.

The second came when centre half Paul Welsh, found Pitcher clean through again to grab his second. This should have opened the floodgates but instead the Barbarians seemed to lose their cool and began to make mistakes.

First, Hywel Griffith made a great saving tackle when it looked like the Jacks were through on goal and then keeper Matt Greenhill pulled

off an outstanding one handed save to keep out what looked a certain goal.

The second half saw Swansea come out with the realisation that they could beat Cardiff by resorting to chopping down any man that came near them.

The main casualty was Pitcher who suffered from three reckless challenges in about five minutes.

Substitute David Ford had a goal ruled out before Swansea were awarded a controversial penalty which they converted.

Skipper Marc Carhill was booked for making a nuisance out of himself once too often but made amends in style with a fine strike to kill the game late on a proud day for the IMG.

Jomec revenge keeps them in the title hunt Billy Lee for gr Sport WITH ONLY a few games left, the race for honours is beginning to take some

IMG

Pos

interesting twists and turns.

Champions Jomec showed IMG that they aren’t out of the race just yet with a surprising win over Torpedo Engin.

Premiership

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Accountancy

4

3

1

0

13

3

10

10

2 Momed

4

3

1

0

13

8

10

3 Torpedo Engin

4

2

1

1

11

5 4

7

7

4 Law A

4

2

1

1

10

6

4

7

5 Jomec

4

2

1

1

10

9

1

7

6 FC Real

4

1

0

3

4

20

-16

3

7 Ecosoc

4

0

1

3

3

8 Carbs A

4

0

0

4

5

9 13

-6 -8

1 0

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

1 RPR

4

3

0

1

16

6

10

Pts 9

2 Economics

4

2

1

1

11

7

4

7

3 Carbs B

4

2

1

1

9

5

4

7

4 Planathinaikos

4

1

2

1

11

8

3

5

5 History

4

1

2

1

13

13

0

5

6 Uni Hallstars

4

1

2

1

9

14

-5

5

7 Woka Juniors

4

0

3

1

8

12

-4

3

8 Auxilliary Engin

4

0

1

3

5

16

-11

1

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 M. Madrid

4

4

0

0

16

5

11

12

2 Gym Gym

4

3

0

1

21

8

13

9

3 Chemsoc

4

3

0

1

20

5

15

9

4 Planderlecht

4

1

2

1

14

8

6

5

5 Psycho Athletico

4

1

2

1

7

7

0

5

6 Law B

4

1

1

2

10

24

-14

4

7 Cathays FC

4

0

1

3

3

19

-16

1

8 Myg Myg

4

0

0

4

5

20

-15

0

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Irish

4

3

1

0

15

8

7

10

2 Earth Soc

4

2

2

0

16

9

7

8

3 A. Stanley

4

2

1

1

16

12

4

7

4 Bute Park Utd

4

2

1

1

11

8

3

7

5 W. Wanderers

4

2

0

2

9

15

-6

6

6 Pharmacy

4

1

1

2

8

8

0

4

7 CU FC

4

0

1

3

7

14

-7

1

8 Sawsa FC

4

0

0

4

6

14

-8

1

I MG Pos

Division 1

I MG Pos

Division 2

I MG Pos

Division 3

Varsity shield

Football

Before kick-off most had already written the journalists off for this season, but they rallied to put themselves back in the title race with a fine victory.

Engin paid for having a number of first teamers out and now have an uphill struggle if they are to win the IMG. In the other huge game of the day, Accountancy inflicted a first defeat on Law A to stay top of the table on goal difference. Momed joined them at the top of the tree with an unconvincing win over lowly Ecosoc.

In the battle at the bottom, FC Real finally returned to some kind of form, beating Carbs A for the second time this season. Real’s first win in 2003 will have restored some pride.

Division 1 saw RPR put themselves top of the table with a convincing win over Carbs B, gaining revenge for their defeat before Christmas in the same fixture.

Tom James showed no after effects from the Barbarian game to put in a match winning performance in centre midfield.

Economics moved ominously up the table with a win over History while Planathinaikos showed that they are still in the hunt with a six goal thrashing of Uni Hallstars.

The league is so close that any one of six teams could take home the silverware at the end of the season. At the bottom Woka and Auxiliary Engin shared the points in an eight goal thriller.

Mathletico put themselves top of Division 2 with a fine win over Chemsoc. The fact that these two teams are in this division shows the strength of their pre- Christmas groups as neither would be out of place in the league above.

Netball WEEK 1

Carbs cruise to victory over poor Pharmacy

Billy Lee for gr Sport THIS YEAR’S IMG Netball competition is becoming impossible to predict.

Just when it looked as though Pharmacy were heading for the title, along came Carbs A. Carbs took the Pharmacists apart with Helen Davies in particular in awesome form at the back.

The final score of 18-4 reflected the total domination of the business girls.

The reign of Cardiff Uni A is officially over after their defeat by Psychology, their second in successive matches. They now only have the cup as a realistic chance of silverware.

The win does not really help Psychology who cannot win the title themselves but it will be encouraging to see them returning to the form that saw five straight wins before Christmas.

Law A are increasingly becoming the dark horses as another win saw them climb to second and give them a fighting chance of the IMG title.

The win left Economics dreams in tatters, at the bottom of the table without a single point since Christmas.

While the A team is not doing so well, the Cardiff Uni B team is taking control of Division 1. A third straight

I MG Pos

Premiership P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Carbs A

3

3

0

0

47

16

31

9

2 Law A

3

2

0

1

36

31

5

6

3 Pharmacy

3

2

0

1

28

31

-3

6

4 Cardiff Uni A

3

1

0

2

35

41

-6

3

5 Psychology

3

1

0

2

33

44

-11

3

6 Economics

3

0

0

3

18

34

-16

0

I MG Pos

Division 1 P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

1 Cardiff Uni B

3

3

0

0

33

18

15

Pts 9

2 Law B

3

2

0

1

43

18

25

6

3 Chemy/Biosci

3

2

0

1

15

18

-3

6

4 Phist

3

1

0

2

31

35

-4

3

5 Carbs B

3

1

0

2

24

40

-16

3

6 Comsoc

3

0

0

3

15

32

-17

0

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Gym Gym

3

3

0

0

43

0

43

9

2 Cplan

3

3

0

0

36

18

18

9

3 LPC

3

2

0

1

33

21

12

6

4 Socsi

3

1

0

2

20

23

-3

3

5 Sawsa

3

0

0

3

9

45

-36

0

6 Medics

3

0

0

3

6

40

-34

0

I MG Pos

Division 2

win, this time by two points over plucky Phist, has put them three points clear at the top. Law B kept the pressure on with a demolition of Carbs B while Chemy won their second in a row, easing passed basement side Comsoc.

Division 2 is a a straight race between Gym Gym,

who beat Socsi, and Cplan who continued their great form of 2003 with a comfortable win over Sawsa.

In the final game, Medics finally turned up for a match but were beaten by LPC. Two games left and it would be highly surprising if there isn’t another twist around the corner..

Like Photography? Come to gair rhydd and we’ll cover your costs, provide equipment and enter you for prestigious awards. And you can showcase your talent in front of 20,000 readers. Beat that.

Got talent? Get involved

Come to our editorials, Monday 1.15pm, in the gair rhydd office Gym Gym continued their free scoring form to heap further misery on Cathays FC while Myg Myg continued their dreadful form to crash to another defeat, this time to Psycho Athletico. In the other game, Law and Planderlecht shared the points in their mid-table clash.

The bottom division saw Accountington Stanley continue their climb up the table with a thumping win over CU FC. Bute Park managed a draw with high flying Irish while Wyvern won their second game of the

season with a victory over a Pharmacy team in free fall.

Earth Soc continued their

recent good form with a good fight back to nick a draw with Sawsa.

University Sport

Page 26

BUSA

ROUND-UP

Results

Wednesday February 26

Men’s Badminton 1sts

5-3

Kent

Men’s Badminton 2nds

4-5

Q.M. London

Women’s Badminton 1sts

7- 2

Reading

Men’s Basketball 1sts

81 - 80

Northumbria

Women’s Fencing 1sts

84 - 73

Nottingham

Men’s Football 3rds

1-2

Gloucester

Women’s Football 1sts

0-1

Gloucester

Men’s Hockey 1sts

1-2

Bath

Men’s Hockey 2nds

1-3

Brunel

4 - 18

Exeter

Netball 1sts

38 - 34

Leeds

Netball 2nds

38 - 36

Brighton

Netball 3rds

N/A

Lacrosse 1sts

Men’s Rugby Union 2nds

15 - 29

Brunel

Men’s Squash 1sts

5-0

Bristol

Men’s Tennis 1sts

0-6

Bath

Women’s Tennis 1sts

P-P

Nottingham

Men’s Volleyball 1sts

W/O

Portsmouth

Women’s Volleyball 1sts

3-2

Oxford

Netballers return unbeaten from Varsity ahead for the majority of the hour. Competent shooting and team skills assisted the side to a 43-21 victory.

The 1st team had a far tougher game and the close score line made for an exciting match. Cardiff trailed by a few goals until the final quarter when the team began to edge ahead.

A keen fighting spirit mixed with determination shown by the players pushed the Cardiff work rate right up to the last whistle, heralding a fair final score of 25 goals apiece.

BUSA cup round-up Rosalind Sack reporting IN THE SECOND round of the BUSA competition, Cardiff’s 1sts and 2nds were both victorious in tightly contested matches.

The 1sts were drawn against Leeds Metropolitan, a team they had comfortably beaten last season on their route to the BUSA finals unlike in this week’s match at Talybont.

Despite some excellent Cardiff spells reminiscent of last season’s form, the Leeds

Sporting Baldies Disagree with our choices?

Email grsport@hotmail.com Duncan Goodhew A bit harsh but the definitive sporting baldy. Fell out of a tree as a child whilst hunting squirrels.

A life of head-slapping followed for the fishman.

1

Bye

8-0

CARDIFF’S NETBALLERS had a nail-biting Varsity competition with a draw for the 1st team and a 2nd team win against the Swans as part of the day’s events.

Swansea had all to play for, losing out to Cardiff last season in the final of the Welsh cup and with all squads facing Cardiff this season having come away empty handed.

Cardiff’s 2nds were no match for the Swansea side and played a controlled game,

gr top 5

Swansea Inst.

Men’s Rugby Union 1sts

Rosalind Sack reporting

March 3 2003

side shone with top class shooting. The match swayed with patches of impressive play from both sides although an early lead put Cardiff in the driving seat for the majority.

Leeds managed to claw their way back to within a goal in the third quarter but Cardiff battled on to a 38-34 win.

The 2nds travelled to Brighton for their second round draw, eager to advance further than last season, when they were knocked out by Exeter in the equivalent game.

Gutsy thirds fall late on John Tuscany reports GLOUCESTER II 2 CARDIFF III 1 A BRAVE PERFORMANCE from Cardiff III was left without reward as they tumbled out of the BUSA knockout to Gloucester.

Gloucester, champions of a division higher than their Cardiff opponents, were clear favourites going into the game. Cardiff were certainly not overawed by this though, and the opening exchanges contained some full-blooded challenges. In particular, the midfield three of Tom Morgan, Phil Wood and Mark Simic, all impressive throughout, set about preventing the Gloucester midfield from settling.

Few chances were created as the game was largely contested in the middle of the park, until the 20th

minute, when Cardiff slipped behind. A swift counterattack culminated in a low drive past the sprawling Danny Westwood, with the ball going in off the upright.

Cardiff’s confidence grew steadily and they began to play some excellent passing football. The wing backs John Monks and Diego Gurnieri caused the Gloucester full-backs no end of problems as their marauding runs began to penetrate. Tom Davies shot over with Cardiff’s best chance of the first half, after good work from Ali Benneto, as they went into the break one down.

After half time, Gloucester were pinned in their own half, as the defence of Andy Roper, John Forbes and captain Henry Jewell snuffed out any threat posed by a fading Gloucester attack. The

introduction of Steve Ollier with 25 minutes to go reaped instant dividends, as Cardiff found a deserved equaliser.

Ollier passed infield to Wood, who split the defence to find Tom Davies unmarked. An excellent first touch rounded the keeper and he coolly slotted home.

A jubilant travelling support went into raptures, as the Cardiff players mobbed Davies. From here the game settled, until a cruel twist two minutes from time.

With a last push forward, a deep cross found an unmarked Gloucester player, who looped a header into the far corner to deny Cardiff extra time and gain themselves a scantly justified victory. A gallant effort from the 3rds deserved more, but they can look back proudly on their achievements this season.

Yordan Letchkov Anyone who scores a diving header to help knock Germany out of the World Cup deserves a place in the top 5. Buffed head for extra power.

2

Willie Thorne Comb-over king. A bit of an arse, pretends to score 147s in practice etc. No hair and no money after gambling addiction. Has a range of socks apparently called “Willie’s warmers”.

3

Jack Charlton Famous for piss-ups before, during and after his games as Ireland manager.

Terrible for remembering names; says his sporting hero is his brother Billy.

4

Kim Barnett Ironic that he’s named Barnett but hasn’t got one. A 77-year-old cricketer who still plays for Gloucestershire.

Unable to run so bores the bowler into submission, like Dan. 5

WIN £500 worth of travel tickets

gr sport are giving away a pair of STA Travel interrail tickets worth £500 to the highest score in this week’s sports quiz. Email entries to grsport@hotmail.com Q1. Which cricketer has played in the most World Cup matches and recently took his 500th one-day wicket?

Q2. Who has won the most international rugby union caps?

Q3. Which footballer was top scorer in the Premiership last year?

Q4. Who was Embassy World Darts Champion in 1983?

The team started well and established an early lead but , though plagued by injury, the Brighton side kept up their attack.

The final quarter saw a last ditch attempt from the determined southerners to take the game, but the Cardiff lead was too great, leaving the final score at 36-38.

The netball teams now await news of their next round draw and the 3rds and 4ths will also be in action next week in their second round BUSA challenge.

Q5. Which country won football’s European Championships in 1984?

Q6. Who is England’s number 1 ranked golfer?

Q7. Who shares the record of five F1 driver’s championships with Michael Schumacher?

Q8. Which rugby team’s ground is also known as “the shed”?

Q9. In tennis, who is the

current men’s French Open Champion?

Q10. Which snooker player features in our gr top 5?

Q11. Which Olympic sprinter trains at UWIC? Q12. Which boxer did Mike Tyson knock out last week?

Q13. Which male tennis player won five Wimbledon titles in a row, 1976 - 80?

Q14. Who recently broke the women’s indoor pole vault

world record?

Q15. How many runs did Simon Jones score on his Test debut against India last year?

Q16. Who has scored the most tries for the England rugby union team?

Q17. Which country is hosting the next summer Olympics?

Q18. What was the score in the Varsity match?

Athletic Union Apologise POLLY HILLS and the whole Athletic Union would like to offer sincere apologies to all of the cheerleaders that attended the Varsity match.

Due to unforeseen technical problems involving the PA system at the stadium, the music for the cheerleaders’ routine could not be heard on the pitch.

The girls had practiced long and hard and it is

highly regrettable that they were unable to perform as they had wished.

We can assure everyone that Polly and her colleagues will be trying their hardest to prevent anything like this happening again.

The AU looks forward to the Snakecharmers’ performance at the awards dinner.

Cardiff’s jubilant fans

Varsity Special

March 3 2003

Page 27

grsport@hotmail.com

They thought they could just turn up

Daniel Evans met Cardiff captain Alex Luff for analysis of the historic day. Photos by Tim Alban

LUFF ON THE VICTORY

It took a lot of time to sink in, what we'd achieved. What struck me was how much it meant to everyone else who was there - it wasn't just the 15 guys on the rugby field; it was everyone in the crowd.

It means a lot to me personally because I've been battling this year to really put rugby first and get our standard of rugby to reach this new level. We showed what we could actually achieve with proper preparation and team spirit. Disciplinary problems meant my availability was only granted to me on Tuesday evening. It was a big weight off my mind and I had a lot to prove when I played.

Hopefully I played well enough to lead the boys in the game.

LUFF ON THE THE CROWD

I really want to thank the crowd. The boys all said after the match how awesome it was to run out and hear the chanting and the support from the Cardiff faithful, and that really pushed us on. At twenty minutes to go, it was the deciding factor. It was a university victory because we couldn't have done it without the support and the people who turned out with us.

We always knew we could, and thank God we've done it.

LUFF ON THE VENUE

I'm wholeheartedly behind Bridgend, I think that it's far better than Swansea and Cardiff. It's a smaller venue, more compact and from a playing perspective you could really hear the chants and the crowd getting behind you. Bridgend Club were brilliant in accommodating us, I think we should be back there next year, a neutral venue. It's proved the strength of Varsity rugby - we took it away from our Cardiff home and we still had the numbers there.

LUFF ON THE PERFORMANCE

LUFF ON THE CARDIFF SET-UP

I honestly do believe we turned up wanting the victory more than Swansea. They played very well but I think they were a bit relaxed in their attitude. With the history of the game they thought they just had to turn up to get the victory, but we were hungry for it and had pinpointed this one game. We took them on at scrums and lineouts and the platform our forward dominance achieved, enabled our back line to play some flowing rugby which culminated in the three tries. When we were going forward we looked very good and Swansea didn't really have an answer, then again we had a very organised defence too. When we stepped on the pitch I could see in their eyes that we had the edge.

There's been a lot of set-up change, we've got Adrian in a fulltime position who's helped us to be more professional in our outlook. The 1st team has set high goals because we have the strength and skill levels to progress. This win could act as a catalyst for next year. The coaching staff have been wonderful they've put heart, body and soul into this year and the boys have responded to that. From a captain's point of view I can't ask any more from my boys, they really got their nuts out and played well.

Do I not like that...

Daniel Evans and Tristan Thomas look at reactions to the greatest Varsity match of all time. Yes, our coverage has become a bit partisan.

Boydy’s banter

Poor Swansea

“Two years ago when we were a score up going into the last play of the game, they scored a try to draw with us - that hurt a lot.

To come back in these circumstances and see them pull it off is fantastic. We had a back line this year that could do some serious damage.

Personally, I think Jason and the coaches made fantastic substitutions to bring on Rob Lawson and Rich Davies.

Rob obviously scored a try but praise to Chris Baxter, he's stepped up to the plate, kicked for a try and to score a try like that towards the end is absolutely fantastic.”

Andy Boyd, 1st team captain 2002

“It was a victory of academics over sportsmen, something you don't normally see. Usually the sportsmen would win, training everyday, but the academics and the natural talent won through. Congratulations to the Cardiff boys, first time they've ever won.”

Matthew Perkins, 3rd’s fly half

Talented "I'd just like to say that it was a poor Swansea back line and I'm glad that Cardiff took advantage" Rob Thomas, 3rd team captain

Domination for years

Polly Hills, AU President “I think it is absolutely fantastic, they

“We prepared well. We were absolutely committed. Swansea didn’t pay us the respect we deserved and let’s hope we can keep it for the next five, six years.

Fair play, everyone gave 110%. its good, it’s fucking awesome.”

James Cole

All about winning

We Won! “I can’t believe that our team actually won, I’m so chuffed. I’ve had a great time organising this event and it is something that I won’t forget.

I’m proud to be a part of it.”

have played a marvellous game, and to see them holding the cup at the end was great. Cardiff is all about winning and it is nice to see that reflected in our sport as well.”

Dr David Grant, University Vice Chancellor

Defeat will add spice “Cardiff were stronger and just more up for it on the day. It’ll be even better next year, defeat will add spice.”

Swansea

“I can’t ask any more from my boys, they really got their nuts out and played well.”

IMG and BUSA

Simon Jones

Post-match reaction from the triumphant Cardiff Varsity squad. Page 27

gr sport talk to the England and Glamorgan paceman. Page 24

Cardiff captain Alex Luff Page 27

gair rhydd

Sport email grsport@hotmail.com

3 March 2003 - Issue 736

PHOTO: Tim Alban

A jubilant Cardiff squad celebrate their fine victory

Interviews. p. 27

We are the champions Varsity Report

Daniel Evans, Sports Editor

Cardiff 19 Swansea 12 A LAST-GAP try saw Cardiff wrestle the Varsity trophy away from local rivals Swansea for the first time in history.

A 3000-strong crowd travelled to Bridgend’s Brewery Field ground to witness a dramatic and historic game that finished 19-12.

Cardiff captain Alex Luff was ecstatic with his side’s performance.

“From a captain’s point of view I can’t ask any more from my boys. We took them on at scrums and line-outs and the platform our forward dominance achieved enabled our back line to play some flowing rugby,” he said.

“When we were going forward we looked very good and Swansea didn’t really have an answer. Then again we had a very organised defence too.”

The match started in ominously familiar fashion after early Cardiff pressure, Swansea advanced, winning a penalty in a dangerous position.

Wanting to make an early impact, captain Sam Rees decided to kick for a line out and the ensuing rolling maul saw prop Olly Davies open the scoring in the corner.

The next 20 minutes was a tale of infringements by Cardiff, allowing the Jacks to retain possession for long periods of concerted pressure.

Tight defence kept the score unchanged and nearing half-time Luff’s side started to settle down and play some penetrative rugby.

A catch and drive was thwarted on the Swansea line, forcing the ball to be shifted to the backs. A delicate grubber kick from fly-half Chris Baxter turned the

opposition, allowing winger Griff Jones to chase and pounce for a deserved try.

Even though he pulled the conversion wide, Cardiff were in the ascendancy going into the break at 5-5.

Surviving early second half pressure, breaks from first Swansea winger Gareth Wright then full back Nick Jones shook Cardiff and a failure to regroup left the Varsity holders with an overlap which Wright punished. A superb conversion from Jones built up a 12-5 lead.

This setback fired up the Cardiff pack whom after years of heartache, proceeded to produce a truly inspired performance.

They were dominant from then on, turning over possession consistently whilst cutting out the indiscipline of the first half. Fierce tackling and

aggressive defence drove Swansea backwards forcing several errors.

From a ruck in front of the posts, substitute scrum-half Rob Lawson made the breakthrough.

Noticing a gap in the defence, he picked up a n d

burrowed his way through to the line.

Some indifferent place kicking from Griff Jones had seen him replaced by Baxter, who made no mistake with the simple conversion to level at 12-12.

As the crowd raised the noise level, Luff sensed victory and cranked up his players for one final effort. Swansea’s traditional incisive attacks had been replaced by static play and forced retreat.

A turnover by Cardiff set winger Liam Roberts free on the left. Having breezed past two players, his 50 metre run was stopped by Jones at fullback.

In similar fashion, replacement centre Rich Davies also cut through the Swansea defence.

Delicately poised with just two minutes left, Cardiff went for the jugular by refusing three points and kicking a penalty for a five metre lineout. It was won cleanly and

set the ball up for a final surge on the Jacks’ line.

Swift interplay in the midfield between Baxter and centre Nick Monahon created a gap for Baxter to raise the roof by scoring under the posts. His conversion made it 19-12.

In a flashback to Swansea’s late comeback in 2001, the faithful Cardiff fans had to endure several waves of pressure before Luff and his forwards hustled them into yet another turnover and a long awaited victory.

Although instrumental in Cardiff’s clinical back line, winning try scorer Chris Baxter praised the forwards for setting up the victory.

“In the forwards we beat them up and then spun it wide and scored decent tries,” he said.

He also applauded the passionate travelling fans: “The crowd was awesome and the atmosphere was immense.

You could hardly hear yourself speak out there.”

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