gair rhydd - Issue 737

Inside GRiP:

Let the ladies speak

Feeder return home for once

Arts turn to their feminine side for the Vagina Monologues Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

Monday 17th March / Free Word 737

gairrhydd

“Two, four, six, er...”

No top-up fees for four years Lucinda Bell reports STUDENTS AT Welsh universities will escape paying top-up fees for at least a year longer than students who study in England.

The fees are to be introduced in September 2006, but this will not be the case in Wales as announced by Jane Davidson, Minister for Education & Lifelong Learning on Friday.

Ms Davidson said an agreement had been reached with Westminster Education Minister Charles Clarke to hold off the fees until at least April 2007, however it is not clear what will happen after this date.

Speaking at the NUS Wales

conference at Aberystwyth last Friday, Ms Davidson said her announcement showed the increasing importance of widening access to higher education across Wales. She pointed out the intentions of the Assembly to improve matters.

“The Assembly is ruling out variable fees for the current Assembly session, 2003 - 2007.

We are in detailed discussion with Westminster to transfer the higher education funding powers to Wales. They should be complete by the middle of May.” The news has received a mixed response. Plaid Cymru felt that the announcement didn't go far enough to deal with the issue of fees and

“The Assembly is ruling out variable fees for the current Assembly session, 2003 -2007 .”

JANE DAVIDSON, WELSH ASSEMBLY

student hardship in general, and that the issue of tuition fees was still very relevant.

The Conservative Party echoed this reaction and commented that the announcement was "just a stay of execution".

The Liberal Democrats commented that they were relieved at the intention to stop top-up fees but queried the details of post April 2007.

Caz Noyes, President commented that "This is the best news that I've had all day if not all year. It is especially a great surprise to me that this announcement has been made today so close to the Assembly elections in May. During the last week I met with the ViceChancellor who himself was under the impression that no announcement would be made until after May. As a Student’s Union we will be continuing to apply pressure to both the Assembly and Whitehall on the issues surrounding student

Union President Caz Noyes celebrates the news with some jubilant students hardship."

Tom McGarry, President of NUS Wales, was present at Jane Davidson’s and commented that 'We welcome this proposal.

It is a step in the right direction and will guard against elitism in Welsh Higher Education and will protect against increased student debt. Once again the message to the politicians is

stop tinkering with the problem and provide a solution and abolish all top-up fees. Then you will ensure that all people will have the ability to go to University, regardless of their financial circumstances.'

Cardiff University Students' Union is taking part in the National Shut Down Day on March 19, to raise awareness of

student finance issues and are encouraging all students to come out and support the campaign against student hardship.

Ms Davidson's announcement initially caused confusion at Westminster, where a spokesman for Charles Clarke said no final decision had been taken on the issue.

“Disgusting” election decision overturned Peter Bramwell reports THIS YEAR’S elections were faced with their first scandal last week, when one of the candidates was disqualified – only to be reinstated 24 hours later.

Election candidates had been left stunned and disgusted on Thursday after one of their number was disqualified for sending what appeared to be a simple personal email.

But the Union’s Appeals Committee chose to quash the decision, allowing the potential Communications and Community officer to continue her campaigning.

After the 7 – 1 vote in her favour the candidate, who cannot be named on the advice of the Union President, was understandably elated.

"It’s such a relief. This job would mean so much to me and the prospect of failing on a

technicality was horrible. I’ve just got to get back on track and make up for the 24 hours I’ve lost. I’d really like to thank everyone for all of their support.

Thursday’s decision by the Constitution’s Committee had led to an outpouring of emotion, especially from the accused candidate who had been initially disqualified because of a Union rule forbidding candidates to campaign via email.

The idea is to stop students’ inboxes being crammed with election ‘Spam’.

However, Helen did not feel she had been treated fairly under this rule.

"I sent an email to my friend.

This is a totally disproportionate reaction," she said. "I’m very, very shocked and upset."

"It wasn’t deliberate, it wasn’t malicious.

It wasn’t like I was tearing

down posters or anything."

Several other candidates, including those running against her, also voiced their shock and dismay at the ruling.

David Manning, running for Academic Affairs Officer, said: "This is completely out of all proportion. Surely they could

have just sent her a written warning.

"It was an honest mistake."

Meanwhile, gair rhydd Editor candidate Tristan Thomas stood up at the meeting and formally registered his "disgust" at the disqualification.

Union President and

DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES: The offending email.

elections Returning Officer Caz Noyes explained the reasons for the initial decision.

"This was a clear breach of election regulations. Actively campaigning via email is forbidden" The fiasco over Helen’s disqualification follows accusations that Thursday nights’ election hustings were not up to standard.

The hustings give candidates a chance to expand on their manifestoes and make personal contact with voters.

But students were left bemused by a strange line of questioning put to the

contenders.

Organisers surprised onlookers by demanding nominees give their opinions on strange and often ridiculous scenarios.

One student in the audience looked on in disbelief, saying, "It’s just a waste of time.

Hustings organisers defended the questions.

"They were presented in order to highlight candidates’ understanding of the potential areas of conflict that might arise in their forthcoming jobs."

Voting takes place across the University on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK OF GAIR RHYDD IN OUR QUESTIONNAIRE P 08

News p 1–6 ● Letters p 11 Features p 13 ● Sport p 21 ● GRiP p 13 ● TV listings, GRiP p 17

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News

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March 17 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

IN BRIEF French learn devolution from Wales CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has brought together Welsh First Minister Rhodri Morgan and his Breton counterpart for the first time.

The event was held to reveal the findings of a major research project undertaken by the university on the policies and politics of Welsh devolution and decentralisation in Brittany.

Rhodri Morgan and President M. de Rohan were joined by research leader Professor Alistair Cole of the School of European Studies as well as other academics and policy-makers from across the two regions.

The conference also looked into ways of strengthening links between the two regions.

Professor Cole said, “Wales and Brittany hold much in common and our research shows that there is much they can learn from the each other in the ways they run their affairs.

Homeless fear A NEW SURVEY commissioned by homeless people’s charity Shelter has found that one in ten 16-24 year olds fears being made homeless.

The young people questioned said one of their major concerns was not being able to pay the rent.

Not waving but drowning AN EVENING celebrating the work of poet Stevie Smith is being held at the Centre for Lifelong Learning this evening.

Stevie Smith was born more than one hundred years ago and is best known for her poem “Not Waving but Drowning”.

The event will be free and is being introduced by Jan Carew, the creative writing tutor at the Centre for Lifelong Learning on Senghennydd Road.

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

RAG’s record clean-up Victoria Moores reports

Our rights as ‘consumers’ made clear

RAG WEEK has more than doubled the fundraising record it set last year.

The first collection took place on St David’s day in Cardiff City Centre where fund raisers dressed as giant daffodils managed to collect a total of £3,250 for the Marie Curie Cancer Research charity.

The second collection was undertaken at the Worthington Cup Final at the Millennium Stadium. This raised £2,473 for Guide Dogs for the Blind.

RAG weeks new event The Battle of the Bands attracted a number of talented new bands. The winners were The Session and the event raised £555 for the Motor Neuron Disease Association.

The first evening RAG event was entitled ‘Breakfree’.

It was a Drum ‘n’ Bass night in Solus organised by Amnesty and One Mission societies.

The second evening event - Heroes and Villains - saw a variety of costumes from Batman to Zorro.

These evenings together raised £1,080 a proportion of which went to the charity

SIX STUDENTS have been awarded £12,000 in damages for the lack of enjoyment and disappointment caused by their educational course.

The six students sued Rycotewood College in Oxfordshire in relation to a Higher National Diploma course in Historic Vehicle Restoration.

They claimed that promises made in the college’s prospectus had been broken and that the equipment and resources provided were inadequate for the course, ultimately meaning they did not have the skills required for professional careers.

They were awarded up to £14,000 each.

This is a landmark case as the “disappointment” remedy which usually arises in relation to ruined holidays has never before been applied to education.

Jaswinder Gill, the students’ solicitor said, “The ruling is an historic legal development in education; it is a real recognition by the courts that the student really is now established in law as a consumer.

“It has massive implications for the rights of students.”

Victoria Moores reports

Fundraising the fun way: RAG Treasurer James Thomas takes a bath for charity Amnesty International.

RAG Weeks success culminated with the Union Hijack which involved lecture raids and RAG Treasurer James Thomas sitting in a bath of cold baked beans. The events throughout the day and a collection made at Lashtastic in the evening

raised a total of £540.

Altogether the RAG Group raised a staggering total of £8,500 which was more than double the amount raised during last years RAG Week.

Social Secretary for RAG, Robin Campbell said, “The week was a fantastic success and the total was astounding.

“Our thanks goes to everyone who contributed and to all the societies that teamed up with us to organise the events.”

The next RAG event is set to be an Easter Hitchhike to Amsterdam, for more information visit www.CardiffRAG.co.uk. or

Students ‘act’ against Pre-emptive Easter Egg strike GATS at Assembly Rhiannon Davies reports THE NATIONAL Assembly for Wales was the location for an educational piece of street-theatre last Thursday.

The Assembly building in Cardiff Bay saw a group of campaigners performing the short piece in a bid to highlight the threat posed to basic social services in Wales by an international trade agreement.

The General Agreement on Trade in Services - currently being negoitated at the World Trade Organisation in Geneva - is being campaigned against by local groups including the World Development Movement (WDM), People and Planet and Friends of the Earth.

Cardiff University students from People and Planet were present and were among the performers.

Campaigners dressed up as big-business ‘fat cats’ performed an amusing auction in which the World Trade Organisation sold off services such as education to the highest bidder.

Alex Mylles, a member of Cardiff University’s People and Planet society said: “This agreement is undemocratic.

“We elect councillors, Assembly Members and MPs

to make decisions about how local public services are provided, not groups of international lawyers and trade negotiators in Switzerland.

“It is time to put people before profit and call a halt to GATS.” Protesters are calling for a halt to UK Government support for the General Agreement on Trade in Services (GATS), and the play was part of a European day of action against GATS, which saw similar protests outside every regional governmental office in

England.

Following the protest, local representatives of WDM, People and Planet and Friends of the Earth handed letters to Assembly Members explaining their concerns about the implications of GATS for the provision and regulation of services at a national and local level.

This follows protests staged

by Cardiff Union officers at the National Assembly, at which a third of Assembly members’ signatures were collected backing the students’ campaign against GATS and top-up fees.

“Fat cats” buying essential services

Dom O’Reely reports THE NATIONAL shutdown day in Welsh Higher Education institutions is taking place this Wednesday (March 19).

Throughout Wales Higher Education Institutions are planning to campaign in a number of different ways to show their dissatisfaction with the government’s White Paper on Higher Education funding.

It is hoped that the day will consist of a walkout from lectures at 10am.

Students are being asked to go to the front of the Students’ Union for an egg throwing competition at an effigy of Education Secretary Charles Clarke’s head.

A petition is then going to be handed around that will be sent to 10 Downing Street as a statement of no confidence in the White Paper’s proposals.

Sleep outs, fireworks and rallies are also planned at the Welsh Assembly.

Students are being asked to wear black in mourning for the “death of Higher Education”.

Cardiff University Students’ Union President Caroline Noyes reiterated NUS Wales’ position on the government’s new plans.

“The Government’s White Paper on the future of Higher Education top-up fees, will

result in some elitist institutions and many more under funded, under resourced universities, as well as increased student debt.

“Put simply, the white paper will prevent students from having a choice where to study, you’ll go where you can afford, not where you are able to get the best degree.

“The Government’s proposals will price students out of going to university.”

The President continued, “The idea is that Easter is on its way, let’s dress up in bunny ears. By wearing ears we are asking Charles Clarke to listen to our plea. At 12 pm there will be an Easter Egg Hunt at Alexandra Gardens in between the Bute building and Main building.

“We’re asking you to look at it like this: imagine Cardiff University in 10 years time if top up fees are introduced.

It could be as difficult to hunt for students, as it is to hunt for Easter Eggs.

“As President of your Student Union and as the representative of the Executive Committee I am very concerned about the next few months, as a decision is required by the end of April on the White paper.”

For information see www.cardiffstudents.com. and the Student Union building.

News

March 17 2003

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gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

Concern for new Students HE funding plans

takeaway the big money on live TV

Britain will slide back into the old system of sharp divides HIGHER EDUCATION faced between polytechnics and Mark Cobley reports further upset last week as its traditional universities.

Sir Howard Newby, Chief TWO CARDIFF students budget was set for 2003-4, with a clear divide emerging Executive of the Higher were celebrating in style between teaching and Education Funding Council for last weekend, after netting England (Hefce) explained: research-led universities. £3,000 on a live TV show.

“This is the first step in Despite a funding increase of Dancesport team members six per cent, controversy has encouraging universities to do Michael Evans and Danni been ignited by the what they are best at.”

Mills pirhouetted their way to The move was heavily the cash win on Ant & Dec’s government’s policy of criticised by academic unions Saturday Night Takeaway after specialisation.

Traditional, research-led who believe it will be their team-mates set them up. institutions such as Oxford and detrimental to higher education.

Michael and Danni had no A spokesperson for the idea they were going to be on Cambridge will have their of University live TV – they had been told teaching grants reduced to Association provide further resources for Teachers said, “We believe that they were filming a newer universities whose teaching benefits from being documentary to be broadcast research grants will done within the proximity of in the autumn. research and not in a consequently suffer.

Gair rhydd spoke to The teaching cash will go to completely different institution. Michael the morning after his “To decrease the level of big win. “I’m still trying to get supporting students at nontraditional establishments such linkage is a retrograde step.” over it,” he said.

There was good news for as the former polytechnics.

“I thought we were being This is part of the Cardiff University as it received filmed for an ITV government’s drive to increase new funding in the plans. documentary about students’ The university has brought leisure activities. entry into higher education by people from less privileged more research funding into “We started filming at six Wales than ever before, with a o’clock on Saturday. We were backgrounds.

Yet many fear that research grant of over £53m. all in Solus doing our dance University sources claimed steps for the cameras in full institutions such as the Open University - which is set to lose this record level reflects the costume – suits and £700,000 - will fall victim to the quality and relevance of the ballgowns. university’s research in an changes in funding.

“Then, the big screen This has sparked claims that international context. which had been displaying the Cardiff Dancesport team logo - faded to a picture of Ant and Dec, who told us we were live on national TV!” “They said there was £3,000 waiting for us at home – but we had to dance there to get it.”

But the second-year Marine Geography student also revealed the truth behind the show’s ‘dash for the money’.

“We had an hour to get Cardiff University has benefited from increased funding

Anna Hodgekiss reports

Ant and Dec surprise the Dancesport team in Solus from Solus to our house on Miskin Street, just behind the union, so it was quite easy.

“We didn’t even dance all the way – they just filmed us pirhouetting for a little way along Ruthin Gardens, and we walked the rest.”

Once they reached their house, the pair found a Catherine Zeta-Jones lookalike in their lounge ready to present them with a suitcase full of cash.

The cameras started rolling again, and the two students had to declare that never again would they go out on

Saturday but would always watch Ant & Dec’s show.

“Apparently, by Saturday night everyone in the team except us knew it was a setup,” Michael continued.

“No-one else bothered to dance home because they were all told it was going to be us that won.

“Alex, the girl that started the whole thing by applying to the ITV website, and Anna Weaver, the President of the society, had known for weeks but were sworn to secrecy!”

Michael already had plans for his winnings.

“Danni and I have obviously split the cash, and I’m going to bank £1,000 and probably spend the £500 on a holiday or something.

“My phone has been jammed this morning with people texting me. Most of them just say ‘you lucky bastard’!”

Michael and Danni’s adventure on Ant & Dec’s show comes after Cardiff student Gavin Ramjaun appeared on Question of Sport.

Gavin featured as part of a comedy ‘Jackson 5’ gimmick

Union debates war as students walk out Mark Cobley reports STUDENTS HAD a chance to make their views on the Iraq crisis heard last week, as the Union played host to a debate on the moral justification for war.

Organisers declared the event a success as over fifty people packed out Seren Las. However some at the meeting voiced concern that the panel was heavily biased against the war, with five out of six speakers opposed to military action.

This followed a large student protest against the war on March 10.

Over two hundred students took part in a ‘walkout’ of lectures and marched into town, pausing outside the Welsh Office.

Another walkout is being planned for “Day X” - the first day of war.

During the Union debate, NUS Wales President Tom McGarry explained NUS Wales’ policy of opposition, claiming that action against Iraq did not meet the criteria of Just War Theory.

The debating panel was overwhelmingly anti-war “A letter was recently sent to Tony Blair by fifteen eminent international lawyers warning that war on Iraq is illegal and could be regarded as a war crime,” he said.

“Why does this government want to spend billions of pounds killing Iraqi children

rather than properly finance the education of our own children by abolishing top-up fees?”

Christian Aid Worker Jeff Williams detailed the possible humanitarian consequences of a war, pointing out that even before war starts there are more than fourteen million

people going hungry in Iraq.

“It is estimated that if war goes ahead, more than half a million will need immediate treatment. If electricity and water supplies are destroyed, this will make the task nearly impossible.”

Plaid Cymru Assembly

Member Owen John Thomas said: “What right have we to interfere in another country’s affairs?

“Tony Blair is acting as George Bush’s poodle, and here in Wales Rhodri Morgan is acting as Tony Blair’s poodle. We need to unite in opposition to this war.”

But Act One Society President Alex Knowles was not convinced by the arguments.

Speaking as the lone supporter of military action he said: “Saddam Hussein is a tyrant. He has repeatedly ignored the UN and its eighteen resolutions passed compelling him to disarm.

“Let’s remember, this is a man who tests his weapons on his own people, and who said he approved of the September 11 attacks.”

Students at the meeting felt that more pro-war speakers should have been allowed to put their case.

Third year English Lit. student Owen Griffiths said: “The debate was very one sided. There were experts, academics and politicians for

the anti-war side but only one student speaking for the war.”

And second year English Language student Amy Druce added, “People come to these debates to make up their mind, and how are they supposed to do that if there is an imbalance?

“The debate wasn’t organised by Socialist Students, it was organised by the Union so I’d expect it to be more neutral.”

The organisers, Union President Caz Noyes and Cardiff Anglican Chaplain Paul Overend explained why the panel had been so one-sided.

“We had a hell of a problem actually finding anyone to speak for the war,” Paul admitted. “We wrote to Welsh politicians asking for a prowar speaker but no-one would attend the event.”

Caz added: “The Union’s Annual General Meeting is on April 6, and if war hasn’t already been declared by then we plan to have another debate on the issue.

“We promise to sort out some more pro-war speakers before then.”

Page 4

News New escort agency opening in Cardiff says “no sex” involved

March 17 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

CRIME FILE

anyone then I can see why students would want to do it.

“I understand how people A NEW company is targeting could see it as a last resort, Cardiff students to work as but I don’t think many people male and female escorts in will do it. I wouldn’t do it order to pay off their debts. what would my Mum think?”

Clients are said to include Leeds University Students’ lawyers and businessmen and Union last year revealed that up other upstanding citizens. to 60 per cent of sex workers in A spokesman for Sill-o-Ette the city could be students. spoke to gair rhydd about Escort agencies regularly students working as escorts. target Cardiff students. Last “Students will work for Sillyear gair rhydd uncovered o-Ette because it’s enjoyable the practices of ‘Young work, you get to meet a lot of Knights’: an agency targeting people and there’s a big students and difference in pay expecting them to between agency work “I can’t see that there is any sleep with clients. and working in a bar Cardiff University or McDonalds. kind of moral issue here”. student advice centre “On average escorts can expect £50 an SILL-O-ETTE ESCORT AGENCY manager Maria AlHaddad advised hour.

It’s easy escort work as an attractive students to be careful. money.”

“There are definitely less Sill-o-Ette’s escort agency is option.

But psychology student risky types of work available,” one branch of a national few she said. entertainment chain that offers Jenny Fillwick thinks “If a student does want to other services including stag students will be interested in become an escort they should and hen nights and hotel agencies such as Sill-o-Ette.

“I certainly wouldn’t even ask the agency for permission to bookings. It is set to open later consider escort work even if it talk to other agency employees this month. for feedback and advice.”

“The nature of the job paid well,” she said.

“They should ask whether “The people who use these depends on what the client wants but usually the job agencies are usually sad, lonely the agency screens potential clients,” she continued. involves going to meals, old men.”

“Escort agencies could be Third year optometry corporate events and shows,” open to all sorts of people. student Kate Iles agreed: said a spokesperson.

“If they paid enough and The vulnerability of students In many people’s minds the image of an escort agency is you didn’t have to sleep with really worries me.”

Simon Baylis reports

AFTERNOON BURGLARIES CARDIFF UNIVERSITY students were the victim of a brash burglary as thieves entered their house in the late afternoon one day last week.

The burglary took place at a house in Ruthin Gardens near the university students’ union.

The thieves entered the property around the back of the house.

Police are inviting any students who spotted any suspicious persons at the rear o Ruthin Gardens to come forward as soon as possible to help the police with their enquiries.

“80 per cent of burglaries in the student village are committed via the rear of the house,” a police spokesperson said.

CYCLE-PATH STRIPPERS POLICE ARE are warning students using the cycle path behind Tal-y-bont Halls of Residence to avoid suspicious-looking characters.

Cardiff University’s Community Liaison Officer PC Bob Keohane said sexually motivated incidents often increase around this time of year.

“As the weather gets warmer certain things appear in the cycle path area,” he explained “Daffodils and baby birds are such are all very well, but spring unfortunately also brings a rash of flashers.

The officer advised that most flashers only expose themselves and do not assault, but he urged anyone who is confronted by a flasher to report the incident to police.

“Be mindful to walk in groups and try not to use the path when it is dark,’ he warned.

“If you do use the path on your own, always carry an alarm.”

automatically inked to sex.

But there are apparently escort agencies that do not allow any sex and Sill-o-Ette were quick to dispel any fears over any “moral issue” that might arise from their work.

Sill-o-Ette said: “There is no sex at Sill-o-Ette. All we are doing is giving people the opportunity to work through their debt.”

With student debt becoming an even greater problem, it is indeed no surprise that many Cardiff students could see

Chegwin, Sugababes, Enlightened and

E17 and the CIA ball impoverished TV LEGEND Keith Chegwin is to brave it in front of thousands of students at Cardiff University’s Summer Ball.

He will introduce the Sugababes, East 17 and Abba tribute band Bjorn Again as the Master of Ceremonies at the bash.

Jean-Jacques Smoothie is also to play a set accompanied by a live band.

The Union told gair rhydd that every act billed to perform has confirmed that they will definitely be appearing.

Students union Events Manager Pat Smith said, “This

promises to be one of the best summer balls ever.”

Other attractions at the event include a casino, circus performers and tattoo artists.

Tickets are available from today (Monday) at the Union box office or on www.wayahead.com.

MOBILES STOLEN TWO MOBILE telephones were stolen from students’ rooms at Talybont Halls of Residence.

Both telephones were left on window sills on the ground floor during the night.

Police have urged students to lock their windows when not in the room and when sleeping.

If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444.

PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/content/police.

Another unnamed agency advertises outside the Union

East 17: performing with Keith Chegwin at Cardiff University’s Summer Ball

Stephanie Blott reports

ARTS DEGREE graduates can expect to earn substantially less than non-graduates according to a study published last week.

Students studying for degrees in arts subjects such as English Literature and History can expect to earn between two and ten per cent less than someone who quit education at eighteen.

The study did predict that, on average, graduates will earn £220,000 more than nongraduates over the course of their working lives.

Professor Ian Walker from the University of Warwick, emphasised the importance of his study in making students aware of their financial situation.

He said, “Education is a risk individuals take.

“We need to make sure people have the correct perceptions.”

He went on to comment that “feeling warm about literature doesn’t pay the rent”.

Law degrees are the most lucrative with earnings between 24 and 30 per cent more than A-level school

leavers. Degrees in Medicine, Maths and Engineering are also among the most profitable.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, language students can only expect to earn five per cent more than school leavers and students studying education can expect even less.

This study has been published at a time when student tuition fees and funding is a hotbed of debate. The government announced plans earlier this year to allow universities to charge tuition fees of up to £3,000 per year in 2006. This could potentially leave students as much as £30,000 in debt according to the National Union of Students.

Final year History student Graham Thomas said the questions arising from the study are clear.

“How can we afford to get into £30,000 worth of debt in order to spend three years gaining a degree that will bring us a lower income?”

“This situation has serious implications for arts degrees in the future and indeed for vital professions such as teaching.”

News

March 17 2003

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Agency is at pinnacle No doctors and nurses of student relations for UWCM lecturer John Collingridge reports

Glynn Trott outside the Pinnacle housing agency Simon Baylis reports A CARDIFF letting agency has teamed up with Union societies and clubs in a new sponsorship scheme.

Under this new scheme if a tenant is a member of a university club or society, Pinnacle will donate 15 per cent of the agency fee to support that body.

For example, if a tenant is a member of the Cricket club and pays an agency fee of £60 then nine pounds will be donated to that club.

If there are five tenants and all are members then £45 will be donated.

Pinnacle co-director Glyn Trott told gair rhydd why they were running the scheme.

“This company was set up by former students of Cardiff

University and we were both members of clubs and societies.

“I myself was a keen member of both the canoeing and karate clubs.

“This new scheme is a chance to do something that benefits both Pinnacle and the university.”

Pinnacle has been active in supporting the university in the past. The agency supports the bond bank scheme, writes consultation papers on housing issues and in the last four years has donated £17,500 to the university.

The scheme has received mixed reactions from university clubs and societies.

President of the Karate Club Tim Frost said: “This scheme is a good idea and will definitely benefit my club.

“I myself have had a bad experience with another letting agency and would probably tell my members to go with Pinnacle anyway.”

However not all clubs are in favour of the proposals.

Hamish Scott-Wilson president of the Extreme Sports club commented “I think that sponsorship in general is a good idea but in this case I don’t think it is appropriate.

“To make money out of this scheme I would have to coerce people into going with Pinnacle; I don’t think that’s quite right.

“I would be more keen to pay a fixed sum for a year.”

The scheme has been endorsed by AU co-ordinator Nick King and is effective immediately.

gair rhydd ...World Roundup...

HAIN IMPOTENT AGAINST SEX SHOP NEATH: Tony Blair’s Welsh Secretary Peter Hain has been unable to close a ‘sex and drugs’ shop that opened next door to his constituency office in Neath, near Swansea.

Frustrated: Peter Hain

Police were asked to investigate Little Amsterdam after the town’s MP expressed worries that the locals were unhappy about the store.

But both trading standards officers and police have been unable to pinpoint any laws that the owner might have been breaking.

PC Neil Morgans said, “There are no police issues because the cannabis and hemp being sold is only in seed. It is not an offense to sell that or cultivate it.”

Peter Hain’s agent Howard Davies has found there is nothing the council can do about the shop because it has not breached planning regulations.

He said, “Peter is not happy about it.”

POSH AND CHEQUES LONDON: Victoria Beckham last week apologised and paid £55,000 to the owners of a shop she had accused of faking her husband’s signature.

On a visit to the shop GT’s Recollections at the Bluewater Shopping Centre, Kent, Mrs. Beckham noticed a signed photo of her husband David Beckham on sale and remarked, “That’s not David’s signature.”

Unfortunately for Posh, it later turned out that it was, in fact, David Beckham’s scrawl.

The shop-owners were not pleased and sued Ms. Beckham for the “hurt and distress” that the family and the business had suffered from the

A LECTURER at the University of Wales College of Medicine has been sacked following the leaking of exam questions and allegations of “inappropriate behaviour towards students”.

Chong Hai Lim, 50, has been a registered nurse for 30 years and has lectured at the College for the past 10 years.

Father-of-one Lim, of Whitchurch, admitted revealing the final exam paper to two female students.

Mr Lim was sacked from his post at the College, but escaped being struck off and was instead given a caution.

Two female students, who have since qualified as nurses, alleged that Mr Lim made personal comments about another student nurse’s appearance, and also asked one for a massage.

One nurse told the disciplinary hearing of the Nursing and Midwifery Council that Lim had followed her home from a placement at Cardiff’s Whitchurch Hospital, “begging” her to go on a date with him.

She said how his “advances” made her “uneasy and uncomfortable”.

She also alleged that he had asked her for a massage: “I was telling Mr Lim about a particular patient.

“He responded well to being massaged on his neck and I was telling my tutor all about it and what I had learned from it.

“Then he said, ‘Well, if I’m stressed I can always come to you for a massage.’ It made me feel uneasy and

uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do.”

The student also alleged that Lim had offered to rub her knee when she was recovering from dislocating it.

“After that I didn’t like being in his presence.”

Another student told how he had revealed exam questions to them. “We went into a room with him and he said if he told us a secret we must promise not to tell anyone.

“Then he opened his briefcase and took out a single sheet of paper, and told us this was our final exam paper and we should take notes.

“He started reading out the questions and said to us, ‘Do not betray me like Judas did to Jesus or I’ll be for the chop.’”

The student also alleged that he threatened to sabotage her career.

“He said he would make life difficult for us both – by stopping us qualifying or working as nurses. I felt very bullied and intimidated.”

Mr Lim however denied the

five other allegations of misconduct. He told the hearing that the students “never said they felt uncomfortable or intimidated.”

“I did not ever pursue them for dates and I did not threaten them.

“I just wanted them to pass their exams. They said they were worried and I was trying to help.

“But I admit I crossed boundaries I should never have crossed, and I have discredited myself and the college.

“I deserved to lose my job and I am truly sorry for my actions.”

Committee chairwoman Anne Kelly told him “You are guilty of misconduct, and a record of our decision will be noted on your entry as a nurse for the next five years.

“This will be disclosed to anyone who makes inquiries about employing you.”

Following his sacking Mr Lim is now employed as a nurse in Cardiff Prison.

University of Wales College of Medicine

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at the places and people making the headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World costly mistake.

Ms Beckham soon agreed to settle out of court.

But she now faces the less than attractive prospect of paying out £55,000 to the store owners and more than £100,000 in court costs.

The artist formerly known as Posh Spice

AUSTRALIAN CITY DEFECTS TO FRANCE NEW SOUTH WALES: The city of Wollongong in New South Wales, Australia has staged a surprise defection to France after its governors became increasingly disillusioned by their Prime Minister’s stance on Iraq.

PM John Howard has become one of the American government’s closest supporters of a possible war in Iraq, but many citizens of Australia remain deeply uncertain about the rectitude of a pre-emptive strike.

City, state and federal representatives from all over the Illawarra region visited French Consul General Marc Finaud in the Australian

capital Canberra to deliver the clear message: “The Australian government won’t represent our views on Iraq, so we want to.”

“We’re here to represent the view of the community of Illawara and to reinforce the fact that there are a lot of people in Australia opposed to this war,” it was announced.

They have asked France to represent Wollongong and exercise its United Nations Security Council veto against military action in Iraq.

Mr. Finaud said that while he would not publicly criticise the Australian government, he would pass Wollongong’s message on to French President Jacques Chirac.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 6

March 17 2003

greditorial@hotmail.com

“Stop this asylum madness” gair rhydd EDITORIAL

W

hat a fortnight it’s been in the Union. What with RAG week shenanigans, International Women’s day, Comic Relief, and the long-awaited launch of Xpress Radio there’s been a real buzz about the place...And I haven’t even mentioned the omnipresent elections, fastapproaching essay deadlines, and usual Union controversies. I think I can safely say that we will all be welcoming the Easter break with open arms!

I take my hat off to all those students who have been doing their bit for charity lately, and have really contributed to the positive feeling of getting things done in the air at the moment.

The Break Free event for Amnesty International was a huge success and here at gair rhydd we will always try to do our bit in promoting such events.

Feel free to pop into the office and let us know about the good things you’re getting up to.For my (small) part I’m off to see the lovely Evan Dando as soon as I get out of here. He’s playing at the One Big No concert at Shepherd’s Bush alongside Coldplay, Faithless and other artists who want to take a stand on the looming war. Review, I hope, to follow for your pleasure, if I ever manage to leave the building and get on the damn train to London.

I always feel slightly bad at the lack of ‘outside of the Union’ content of my editorial; I can only apologise, but assume you aren’t that bothered in hearing my views on anything particularly either! Being that the GR office is up on the fourth floor of the Union, and so much time is spent within these four walls, sometimes it is as though nothing else exists at all.

Focused? Yes, I guess, but occasionally detached, although there is so many people in and out at all hours of the day and night that it is hardly lonely.

Despite going off at a tangent, I think what I’m trying to say is particularly relevant with the gasp- elections hanging over us.

When you are campaigning so hard to get an Exec post, it’s easy to forget that anything else matters. Passion and determination are obviously a necessity for running in the first place, but I always feel that it makes you a little useless at seeing the whole picture. It may be the best thing/worse thing in your life at the time, (delete as appropriate for winner/loser), but then isn’t it really like everything else? When taking your GCSE’s you think if you fail that’s it forever! After you take A levels, then nobody ever cares about your GCSE’S. It’s only a job, and a good one of course, but then there’s more to life than that, isn’t there?

Mark Cobley writes

“A

record 110,700 asylum seekers more than the entire British Army - flooded into Britain last year.

“Britain recorded a 20 per cent rise in asylum applications. Virtually all other EU countries showed a fall of up to 52 per cent.”

Sounds bad, doesn’t it?

By now, you’ve probably read or seen the asylum campaigns being run by several of Britain’s best-selling tabloids.

When the issue of Iraq isn’t dominating the front pages, they’re usually screaming that Britain is a ‘soft touch’ for asylum seekers.

They are demanding tougher

controls on the people we let in, both in terms of simple numbers and in terms of ensuring terrorists don’t slip into the country.

The title of one newspaper’s campaign seems particularly appropriate: “Stop The Asylum Madness”.

I completely agree.

The trouble with most leftwing, liberal politicians (if you can call Blair & co. left-wing) is that they respond to these calls with accusations of racism.

But this only makes them vulnerable to accusations of dodging the problem by playing the race card.

When Labour Home Secretary David Blunkett called The Sun’s asylum campaign racist, they promptly printed interviews with British sikhs, muslims and hindus who agreed with the need for tougher aslyum laws.

An own goal for New Labour, then.

The problem needs to be

looked at in a calm, dispassionate way.

Only then can we see how utterly ridiculous these rightwing papers’ claims are.

According to them the UK has the laxest asylum laws in Europe. And it is true, this year we let in more people than anyone else.

But we are also one of the largest countries in Europe. So it’s hardly fair comparing our asylum intake with that of Luxembourg.

A sensible way to look at the issue is to ask how many people we take per head of population.

In the three years 1999-2001 Britain received 4.7 asylum applications for every 1,000 people who live here.

Belgium received 10.1 applications for every 1,000 people. Austria received 8.5.

Denmark got 8.9, Ireland received 7.6, the Netherlands received 7.3 and Norway received 8.0.

Suddenly the dire warnings of the tabloids are looking less serious.

The bare fact of the matter is that once you take into account the actual populations of the countries, the UK actually takes in one of the smallest amounts of asylum seekers in Europe.

But even this isn’t the whole story.

You’ve probably also heard that we have an ageing population. People are living longer, and are having less children than they used to.

According to recent estimates, the number of people over 60 could rise by 40 per cent in the next 30 years.

Or to put it another way, in 1951 there were 300 people aged over 100, but in 2031 it is estimated there will be more than 36,000 centenarians.

This means that there are less young people compared to the increasing numbers of old people.

Old people don’t pay taxes -

only young, working people do.

Worse, old people actually consume taxpayers’ cash at a fantastic rate - whether through pensions or increased use of the National Health Service since old people are inevitably more prone to sickness.

Which means that we have a stark choice. Either we agree drastic, swingeing cuts to our NHS and our pension schemes as the taxpayers’ cash runs out in 30 years’ time, or we organise some sort of Nazi-style “Battle for Births” in a bid to convince women to have more children.

But don’t panic - there is a third way. One of the best and quickest ways for a country to raise its working-age population is immigration - just look at the United States.

Immigrants are often highly resourceful, determined and hard-working people - because no-one else can make it here.

So yes, let’s stop the asylum madness. Let’s let them in, let them all in. We need them.

Homophobia is a poor excuse for journalism, Ms. Wade Amy Butterworth writes

I

suppose it’s a little too optimistic to expect rational and sensible comment from the newspaper that brought us such journalistic classics as the “Gotcha” headline, but The Sun have really outdone themselves this week.

In their editorial piece on Monday March 10,

concerning Ron Davies’ resignation, they branded the former Welsh Secretary “sordid”, announcing that he had “perverted tastes”, following their claim that he had been caught groping a builder in a Somerset wood.

Their gleeful gloating over Davies’ resignation following the revelations was sickening.

What exactly do The Sun have a problem with? Is it the disgusting fact that Davies enjoys sex al fresco?

Or the truly revolting suggestion that (gasp!) he might enjoy sex with strange men?

Shock horror!

Such an out-dated view on

homosexuality is so hypocritical (coming as it does from a paper that regularly gets its y-fronts in a twist over the sapphic charms of T.A.T.U everyone’s favourite lesbians) it would be laughable if it wasn’t so frightening.

The Sun says it sees “no place in public life for a man with such perverted tastes”.

Perhaps, instead, there is no place in public life for a newspaper that consistently The Sun’s attitude to these very different alleged espouses the kind of homosexuals is revealing homophobic nonsense that should have died out Which has so little regard smug finger-pointing about decades ago, and which for the consequences of the private activities of longbrings journalism to a new what it might print, and standing politicians for valid low of irresponsibility. which consistently mistakes and useful political debate.

Food intolerance fantasies Rhys James writes

I

read today of the worryingly vast increase in the number of people following exclusion diets, or paying for special foods.

This comes in response to their perceived development of food intolerance, as a result of either self diagnoses

or insouciant general practice.

It does not refer to the perfectly legitimate medical acknowledgement of serious allergies and conditions, anaphylaxis or coeliacs, for example.

Rather, this relates to people thought to experience problems digesting certain specific kinds of foods, wheat products, eggs and so forth.

Admittedly, it remains beyond my comprehension how anyone can possibly digest any ‘food’ from Burger King or Macdonalds.

There may well be large numbers of people who cannot, for one reason or

another, easily or comfortably digest this set of large fatty acids or these complex proteins.

Yet, I find it hard to believe that mankind, which has barely physically evolved since the Pleistocene, has suddenly been struck down by an inability to eat pizza.

Unless it’s got anchovies on. Man, they suck.

Although pizza delivery did, admittedly, take a really long time on the Ice Age tundra, and it was usually cold by the time you got it.

Society seems to be feeding some sort of ‘autopathologising’ in people.

Could cultural homogeny

be putting us under pressure to pathologise ourselves, whilst we also seek conformity: a sub-conscious desire to safely stand out, whilst still fitting in?

Are some endeavouring to give themselves additional identity, by accruing defining labels, complexity or individual angles?

“I’m perfectly normal, an approachable kinda’ guy, but I am intolerant of eggs, cheese, milk, M&Ms and Jade Goody…”

One final attempt at incurring civil litigation - the last edition of gair rhydd brought to our attention one of the major tensions existent

Got an opinion on our opinions? E-mail us at greditorial@hotmail.com with a 300-word piece

in the conception of freedom of speech.

Whilst allowing for a functioning and diverse ‘society of individuals’, it means that we must be prepared to tolerate, and readily admit, every polemical simpleton that puts ill-thought pen to ill-informed paper.

Last week, ‘Shaken Second Year’, you were that letter writing simpleton.

Relax in your moronic haze, whilst being assured of giving us all cause to celebrate that we are proudly willing to defend the rights to expression of all, even the most Palaeolithic.

gair rhydd 17 03 03

• 07

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What do you call a horse with a sore arse?

Red Bum. What’s green and smells of pork?

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My dad were a lovely man, but he didn’t know much about them orientals. He thought a karate chop was a cut of meat.

He also reckoned, silly bugger, that Kim Il sung was a Page 3 girl.

Cheers, ladies and gents. You’ve been top.

Thanks, Denis, you did great. Come back any time, pal.

Pair JBL speakers for sale LSR 25P Studio Nearfield monitors 175 watts magnetically shielded excellent condition awesome sound £275. ONO. Contact Lorraine 20781421 pughl1@cf.ac.uk French native speaker to help with exam preparation at all levels. £10 p/h, Franck 07817 849644 Ahem. Yet another dearth of material this time around, so once again the Mystery Writer must give up the funk with some shout-outs. So...word up to John, Danielle, Edwin, Gethin (the Dark Lord) and Lizzie, Dan and Philippa, ‘Dangerous’ Dave Cassam, all at Spillers, the Philosophy department, Fiona, Ruth, Dyf, Dixon and Mel, 88 Bedford Street, and anyone who likes The Fall.

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gair rhydd 17 03 03

Five Minute Fun • 09

O d d s and sods What the hell happened to you?

B

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Danni

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u That c

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Swimm ff the bu

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Mush

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n Kerplu Naked e f coffe Decaf oint?) (the p

Chat-up lines of the we e k Girlies – “My gums, your plums”

Frank Sinatra

2

1

A bit of a quiz* East 17’s Christmas number 1 one was called...?

Pitstop, Mutley and Dick 2 Penelope Dastardly were the stars of which kids cartoon?

3 Who is editor of The Sun? ‘If music be the food of love, play 4 on’ In which Shakespeare play is this the opening line?

is the name of Brian 5 What Clough’s footballing son?

Members of gair rhydd ‘act’ out a comedy 80s FILM for your pleasure But which one?

Weird and wonderful animals A duck’s quack doesn’t echo An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump A snail can sleep for three years It’s impossible to lead a cow downstairs A crocodile cannot stick his tongue out Butterflies taste with their feet

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1 9 10 11 12 13 15 18 20 22 23 24

Charlotte’s charades

gines Auber

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I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

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hit lain s p s v ot shit h NOT

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R e a s o n t o b e t h a n k f u l this fortnight... David Hasselhoff has broken his back (filming of Baywatch the movie has been put back). Crossroads is being axed again R e a s o n t o b e g u t t e d this fortnight...David Hasselhoff has broken his back (filming of Knightrider the film has been put back). Last episode in last series of Cold Feet. Sunday nights will never be the same again.

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10 • Comment

gair rhydd 17 03 03

passing

COMMENT

NONE OF THAT, THANK YOU/CHOCOLATE? BEFORE ZE PERFORMANCE?/(lack of)HORSE PORN/DCG 4 CHRISTOPHER LEE/CHOIR NEWS/NO DRIVER AT THE WHEEL/TAKE LIFT, KICK ASS By D C Gates

L

IKE SOME unwanted gospel of uncomfortable yet welcome truths, gair rhydd is once more among us. The iron fist of News, the grim glorious reality of Sport, and all that lies between, have taken to the streets yet again. And as the paper, like scar tissue, renews itself again, why not celebrate the endless circle of life by finding alternative uses for the very pages you are presently reading, such as hat-construction (bishop’s mitre recommended), place-mats, wedges (for table legs), or kindling? Whatever takes your fancy: just do it. Carpe diem.

If there is a Gulf War II (and by the time this is printed there may already will be), then what sort of songs will there be to guide us through the dark hours? Who will be Forces’ Sweetheart, her cooing voice guiding Our Boys through their masturbation fantasies over promotional photographs? Which records will unite the nations in moments of popular recollection and reflection? And which will cause haggard old veterans and their loved ones to weep in nostalgia and rage at reunions in years to come? Not easy to speculate on this, is it? Mickey Mouse music for a Mickey Mouse war, perhaps.

Obviously, despite the best efforts of the mass media, we do not have today the sort of cultural hemogeny that made Glen Miller, Vera Lynn, and ITMA the bread and butter of popular entertainment in WWII. Equally, no-one can come up with a solid argument in favour of war than a) Saddam Hussein must be overthrown, and b) anti-war sentiments and corresponding action are pro-Saddam.

Part a) is certainly true, but part b) is

puerile playground nonsense. That one can be against Saddam and a war with Iraq is not currently popular at present at least not with the press - but gradually the idea that giving support to Hussein’s democratically-inclined enemies would oust his neo-Stalinist regime is gaining a popular credence. Obviously, a thought being ignored by our media betters as they gear up non-threatening pop starz for gang-shows to wards full of Our Boys, bravely coughing up their lungs, as well as breakfasts, through anthraxscorched lips.

On an altogether different note, let us ponder the issue of clown deportment.

Clowns, whether they be Pierrot, the Jesus Clowns that so often haunt Queen Street and the Hayes, or yer common-orgarden clown, seem to sport exactly the same archetype of clothing. Namely: top hats, braces/high waistbands, over-sized collars, tailcoats, buttonholes, and loud waistcoats. I have no problem with any of these items, the waistcoats aside; rather, the fact that clown fashion appears to be stuck in a parody of Edwardian business wear. It’s a hundred years since all that, chaps, so why doesn’t clowning try to make its image more contemporary and lampoon the fashions of modern people?

Passing Comment eagerly awaits parodies of skatewear, Moss Bros suits, Versace leisure wear and ‘student fashion’. Even from the Jesus Clowns.

Good Lord, I’m an ugly bastard.

In a bid to move towards some sort of ‘serious journalism’, the kind that truly makes gair rhydd a news-paper, not a

views-paper, Passing Comment would like to report upon the increasing problem of anal reverie amongst students in our beloved university. Sadly, not content with mere navel-gazing, some individuals have resorted to staring up their own anuses, writhing into hideous contortions in the process. Experts on this recent phenomenon, which seems endemic in both wankers students and television pundits, associate it primarily with contemporary ennui. “Staring at the bellybutton gets very tedious very quickly, I’m afraid,” said Prof.

Göbscheidt of Bristol, yesterday. “On the other hand, the A-hole can pucker and flex at any time, making contemplation of it much more interesting.” There is a possibility that the condition, which is mostly harmless, may be linked to the practice of riding high horses.

Speaking of horses, can anyone guess why there was a picture of dear Maggie on the page last issue, where there would normally have been text? Any answers?

Let’s just say that it could have brought scandal to gair rhydd - actually a very stupid idea indeed. Why not cut out the picture of Thatcher and use it to mop up any vomit, piss, or semen from around the toilet bowl?

Obviously, now that we’re all in the throes of Lenten supplication, we have been thankfully spared the excesses that make up the rest of the year. What a change it makes to wear a hair shirt and lash myself with cords, rather than drink pink gin in polite and witty company.

Lent is especially good in a secular society like ours, where meditations on

Dustbin of History DISCO DALEK (1979 - 1994)

Christ’s time in the wilderness are transformed into a slight loss in chocolate sales. Lent plays the part of an inverse Christmas, where religious penance is replaced with abstention from a relatively insignificant part of one’s daily routine (instead of worship with gluttony), and suits the diet-conscious mindset of most British Christians. A bit of a stereotype, I know, but on based on personal experience - the likes of which I cannot be bothered to expound. May it suffice to say that the glorious tradition of repressive guilt and joyless religious practices marches ever onwards. All together now: Forty days and forty nights/Thou wast tempted in the wild...

The problem with trying to write about topical events is that we have a two-week cooling-off period in gair rhydd. Fair enough, this gives us twice as much time to do everything, but we run the risk of covering an issue that has been rapidly transformed, or shown in a new light, by the time of printing. That’s why News and Sport are still here right up to the last minute (the early hours of Friday and Saturday morning, if you’re wondering), beavering away to strain the last drips of credibility from an already under-nourished source. This also applies to the commentary pieces. Nevertheless, this page needs to get done, so I might as well have a pop at a target that’s always reliable: my fellow ladies and gentlemen of the press. The fiftieth anniversary of the death of Stalin was a godsend to newsmen and pundits, both those of the ‘moderate left’ and the fawning armies of Satan-fellating Tebbit clones. By an unsurprising twist of logic they manage

A

s threatened last issue, gair rhydd is proud to present the first in what will hopefully be a long run of horoscopes. Now, being of was not thrown out, and dancers soon took to a sceptical and materialist bent, Passing Comment its ungainly presence. “EXTERMINATE did not see fit to write horoscopes, so instead we THE DANCEFLOOR!” soon became a have entrusted ourselves to the extraordinary catchphrase. No-one could be sure where powers of Madame Cynthia, the wise woman of Roath.

Disco Dalek made its first appearance, but THERE HAVE been many fads of the some have suggested Hull. Nobody seventies and eighties which have enjoyed remembers seeing it enter or leave a club, a recent revivals. We all know about Rubix Cubes, Salad Dodgers, Out of My Way - I’m a notion made doubly curious when the club was located upstairs.

Dentist!, Trebbles, and Cowboy A 45, ‘Dalek Disco’ Joe aftershave, but how many of failed to touch the public us have remembered Disco imagination, only reaching Dalek? no.77 in the charts, but still In 1979, at the height of the the Dalek boogied, being disco craze, no dancefloor was quite the thing at provincial safe from herds of spotty, whitedancehalls. However, local suited adolescents with a press found their penchant for Nagasaki-strength investigations into its aftershave. What had once been identity quashed, as an exciting new musical and interviews were limited to sartorial trend was rapidly “WE ARE THE SUPERIOR becoming stagnant. Like a BEINGS! YOU WILL thunderbolt from an azure sky, OBEY THE BEAT!” The the Disco Dalek forced its way BBC had no comments to between the polyester-clad ranks, make at the time, and still and changed the face of disco for refuse to discuss the matter at least three months.

The most striking thing about DISCO DALEK: sadly the only today. known photograph of the For a figure so dependent Disco Dalek was the sheer mechanical pest upon public tastes, it was random nature of its appearance only a matter of time before Disco Dalek fell in discotheques of the time. Everyone would from grace. Its appearances became be grooving away as normal, when suddenly increasingly sporadic through the 80s, and its a strident cry of “GET DOWN WITH THE DALEK!” rang out, and the alien invader was last ever sighting, at a retro disco in 1994, was a cruel parody of former glories. Disco upon them. Glad in an outsize afro wig, the Dalek was forcibly ejected. The day after, a Dalek spun around the dancefloor with what Dalek shell was found in a car park, one observer called “a somewhat perverse air abandoned, battered and partially burned. of grace” Quite surprisingly, Disco Dalek

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) A career in writing animal porn will pass you by this fortnight, I’m afraid. Mars in the ascendancy means that life will either be full of opportunities, or totally bereft of them. However, it’s too early for me to say which, so don’t leave the house. At all.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) Re-runs of darts-themed TV quiz shows play an increasingly prominent role in your life from this Thursday. Stick with your instincts and big prizes could be in store. What you already have is safe, and no-one’s going to take that away from you.

Gemini (May 22 - June 22) Mercury spends time with you this coming week. There he is, combing his moustache, wearing Dad’s vests and eyeing up your handsome elder brother. What’s more, you have to cook him fry-ups and give him his bus fare into town so he can buy new scarves.

Lucky animal: axolotl.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) Explore your daydreams through the power of the Moon! Well done - you are already! That’s why you’re so adventurous. That’s why life is a helter-skelter and the dodgems in one. That’s why you’re behind the counter in McDonald’s.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 23) With a configuration of Mars, Saturn and Venus all set for your second week, you will find yourself in a state of near-constant sexual arousal. Avoid public transport, unless wearing waders or similar garments.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 22) Tired of never getting your own

to accuse the anti-war protesters of being Stalinists, just like...Saddam Hussein!

Well done, boys and girls; you’ve dragged your arguments back into the Cold War. The pro-war position has backed itself into such a tight corner that its only weapons left are the ridiculous slogans “anti-war=pro-Saddam”, “critical of Israel=anti-Semite” and “socialist=Stalinist”. Now, whilst the Communist Party had (and still has) a strong influence in parts of the nation (the Valleys, for example), for the last twenty years the various forms of Trotskyism has held sway on the left.

And Trotskyism is completely antiStalinist, and has been vocal in organising resistance to both the far right and the war. But somehow, despite this very vocal approach, whenever the dreaded ‘s’-word crops up, the press sticks fingers in its collective ear and accuses anyone with a red bone in their body as an advocate of gulags and soup queues. In fact, any hint of discussion concerning non-Stalinist Marxism is hurriedly shunted into the tiniest space possible; generally, it isn’t even acknowledged at all. Rather than having been discredited by the USSR, Marxism remains vital and powerful, and certainly far too controversial for the corporate press to discuss.

Meanwhile, as the shit edges ever closer to the fan, let’s just have an update of the latest trends, soon to be seen in your area. Style wankers experts now reckon that the threat of war will bring the austerity of Word War Two back in fashion. Get ready to stock up on Spam, powdered egg, and cigarettes, pals.

way? Then give in. Never contradict anyone and your popularity will drastically increase. You’ll get to hang around with the cool kids. You really can please all of the people all of the time.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) Destiny plants her mark upon you in a big way during these two weeks. The signposts are clearer than ever, and all you have to do is follow them. Just don’t go out looking like that, okay? That top makes you look like a sack of shit, and those colours...ugh.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) Passionate, outgoing, seductive, ingenious, and a devil between the sheets - the sure-fire character of a Scorpio. My arse. That’s nothing like you at all, is it? You sorry little worm.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) In a parallel universe, everyone would be happy, the Earth’s resources would be distributed evenly, and war would not exist. We know that this isn’t the case, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for such a goal. Likewise, there is another parallel universe where I’m not slipping it to your mother.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Stay away from the old fairground this weekend. Apart from that, keep at it! You’re doing fine, kid. Just fine. Oh yes. Just fine.

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 18) For once, the movements of the planets seem unclear in your sign. All that can be said with any certainty is that you will read at least one spurious horoscope, and that a shop-bought sandwich will disappoint.

Try and turn these setbacks into motivation.

Pisces (Feb19 - Mar 20) You’ve always considered yourself as someone totally lacking in superstition. So why are you reading this? Perhaps you think there might be something in this astrology lark after all. Well, I’ve got news for you, pal. There’s nothing here for the likes of you in here, science monkey! So why don’t you just fuck off and stop wasting my time!

gair rhydd 17 03 03

Letters • 11

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight’s star letter wins a jam jar of Leonardo DiCaprio’s sweat.

Dear gair rhydd, I recall a time when the streets of Cardiff were paved with gold and cobblestones and was disgusted beyond my means when I noticed how, in the mere blinking of 67 years whilst I lived my life and had a storied acting career, instead of gold and stone of any variety, cobble or otherwise, nowadays the streets of Cardiff are instead paved not with precious metal or hard to walk on oversized pebbles, but with vomit! Nary a day goes by when a new pile of the stuff appears on these once rampant streets, different shapes and sizes for sure, but the same fetid smell and queasy consistency each time and I for one think it's time to demand that this travesty does stop! We must all write to our local councillors, MPs and AMs and demand that Cardiff City Council stop dumping puddles of indeterminate regurgitate on our streets. Why they do it I can't fathom! Who came up with the hair-brained scheme in the first place, bloody politicians! I mean...WHY DUMP HUMAN MOUTH-WASTE ON A PUBLIC FOOTPATH!? Why? It's just not done...I can think of no explanation!

This is much like the equally inane ‘Dog Shit On The Pavement’ policy debacle that I have been fighting since first I stepped foot in a pile at the age of seventeen. Let's just hope that unlike my still on-going ‘Dog-Shit’ campaign, this time the city council actually listen to us instead of turning away our cries with such petty insults as, "sir you need to leave the building before you are forcibly ejected" and "oh not that actor twat again". I especially hope they don't try and pass the buck over to our beloved furry four legged friends again as they did with the dogs and hope this time they just concede their depravity and clear our streets of the vomit they randomly place on our pavements as we sleep.

And on an unrelated note, why do I dribble more in my sleep now I am an old man, compared to when I was a young boy and only dribbled on Wednesdays? Life is strange and scary as an old and confused man in Caerdydd these days...enjoy youthful studenthood while you can, and before, like me, sitting down and writing letters is all the possible fun a day can bring you.

Yours, Theodore Anderson 2nd Year (very mature student)

Litter Bugs Dear gair rhydd, I appreciate that giving out leaflets for free booze, free club entry or whatever is a way of earning cash and so has to be done. But why, if they're given a flyer do most students just drop it, often without even bothering to read it, within about three steps of the distributor? If you don't want one say so. The guys handing them out won't give a toss as all they've got to do is get rid of them. If you take one and then read it and are still not interested then walk that extra two yards and put it the rubbish bin, the exercise wont kill you!

Either that or take it home and recycle it (although it may be too shiny for some purposes), but don't litter the streets. It's pointless, lazy and a waste of my council tax as if the council don't waste enough of it already!

'Carlos' the coach 3rd Year Archaeology P.S. No jokes about me not having anything to dig up in years to come if you don't throw things away.

No Fun & Games?

Dear gair rhydd, Why does GRiP continue to feature a Games page? Surely this wasted space could be taken up with up with something more stimulating than socially inadequate boys spunking over the latest slash ‘em up or racing nonsense. I’d imagine the writers have valley born ladyboys to chat up on internet chatrooms instead of taking up valuable print space.

Why D.C. Gates could have an extra

page of vitriol to spout, TV could have extra room for “cunt”s, Arts could bring us some delicate poetry or Music could bring us some quality reviews of up and coming bands like Spunky Badger or Carmen and the Quadraplegics. Christ, even more sport would be better than the current bout of solo bedroom gymnastics that currently fills the space.

Don’t these boys know that fresh air and brisk walks enriches the soul?

Evidently not.

Chin Chin, Oliver Reed

Hockey Hounder Dear gair rhydd, Hello! Whilst not exactly graduate of Cardiff, I've been coming to Cardiff Union for the past few years. Earlier on tonight (Saturday, 22/2/02) I helped a lass with glass in her leg get to hospital.

Being on crutches myself, and a tad drunk as well, it was unfeasible, for me to help, post-ambulance. Is there any way you could update me on her progress? Whilst I have forgotten her name, I know that she was due to play hockey on sunday 23rd. If you could pass on my regards, saying that I hope she was able to win on the Sunday, I’d be grateful.

Thanks, Jonathan

Fun or Guns?

Dear gair rhydd, I'm bored to tears with the coverage of the Iraq hoopla. You media types must be bored to tears with writing about it. I find myself waiting hopefully

for the tanks to start rolling across the sands, just for a break in the unbearable tension of having the entire civilised world constantly at crisis point. Then I feel guilty: I don't really want anybody to be eviscerated on my account; or choke on some horribly pungent gas; or step on a mine and have to view their own intestines out of context. Perhaps I'm being overly naive, but I think that what the over-stressed world leaders need at this point is a bit of fun to lift their spirits. Maybe then they'll realise there's another way. The funniest people I know are Dave Benson-Phillips, and Andrew WK. It's not for me to provide any details of what they could practically do to help, I'm just an ideas man; but perhaps with Comic Relief coming up they could host some kind of fun event attended by celebrities, selected members of the public, disabled.

Yours, Ian Peake 3rd Year Ecology

He’s Not Racist...

Dear gair rhydd, I have always had disdain for the pretentiously left-wing tone that constantly emanates from your newspaper. Although I have become accustomed to the hollow bullshit that your writers churn out each week, I must admit that I was shocked at one comment made in your letters page on March 3rd 2003. You accused the author of the letter who was robbed by a gang of black people of being 'racist'.

On what grounds is that person racist?

That letter contained no racist comments whatsoever. The author simply stated a fact: he was intimidated and robbed by a group of people who happened to be black. That is not racist. The author also commented that black people give others the ammunition to racially ridicule them when they conform to prejudicial stereotypes. What is wrong with that?

There is nothing inherently racist in what the author said. So why did a member of the gair rhydd team make such an obtuse comment? I think I know why...gair rhydd largely consists of articles and views written by smartarse cock suckers. In fact, some members of gair rhydd are so eager to be ahead of the game, that they stupidly dismiss perfectly fair comments as 'racist' when they are not racist in any way. The force which underpins the 'racism' accusation is POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. Shame on you gair rhydd. Rather than thinking incisively, you find it safer to dismiss anything which threatens the 'don't pick on minorities' utopia as being morally wrong. The correct position is this: if a person commits theft by using threats, then he is a criminal. It is irrelevant whether the thief is black, white, pink or green. Moreover, it is genuinely a shame that a minority of black people let the majority of decent living black people down by participating in criminal activities. The 'racism' accusation shows that gair rhydd lacks the ability to perceive the material issues when faced with an intellectual debate. The POLITICAL CORRECTNESS camp in Whitehall will be thrilled that they have managed to infect a so called 'radical' student newspaper. I hope that none of you are mugged on the way home from the pub tonight, even if it does mean that students will continue to be exposed to the mindless shit that you print.

Regards, Gareth Adams Postgraduate Law Student Lettersdesk says: We’re not trying to be a radical paper dipshit. If you think the paper is so crap maybe you should get up here and add some of your rightwing bollocks. Actually, don’t bother.

But...

Dear gair rhydd, Having read my letter this month 'I'm Not Racist But...' I'd like to point out a few things. Firstly, as I did state when writing the letter I was drunk and that would explain the spelling mistakes (which I thought was very pedantic of you to point out and drew away from the point of the letter). Secondly, I had just been mugged. I find it disgraceful that you find this a laughing matter.

Please forgive me for being a little bit shaken at having just being threatened into giving up my money. I didn't realise it was common practice to sit back and stay silent at this sort of thing.

Maybe if more people spoke out about this type of thing then crimes of this sort may decrease. And thirdly, I'd like to apologise about the fact my letter did look very racist. I would have been just as harsh had it been a white person taking the brunt of my wrath, it just so happened that it wasn't this time. I just feel sad that the government is so concerned with what is happening in other countries that it is failing to recognise that Britain is falling apart.

Yours, Now sober 2nd year

Smug As A Bug Dear gair rhydd, This is not so much a complaint as a request. In the last edition of your paper, page three contained a picture of me with a packet of skittles attached to my forehead. Although I can see the relevance of the use of this image to the accompanying story about new advertising concepts, I don't quite understand the necessity of making me look like what is best described as a complete tit. Portraying me in this way would not normally bother me, but within recent weeks I actually sold the rights of any photo's of me looking like a tosser to OK! magazine. As a result you have breached a number of legally defined boundaries and therefore owe me serious compensation, namely a pint and a packet of dry roasted peanuts (or a million pounds and that nonce of a reporter Simon Bayliss' head on a silver platter). My request is therefore to be given contact details for your lawyers. I didn't come to university to get my face in some paper, nor to get a degree. I'm here looking for a potential wife. Your paper has single handedly ruined any chances of me achieving this aim.

Instead of showering me with marriage proposals women now point and laugh at me in the street. Thanks alot!

Disgruntled, Cathays Lettersdesk says: Minutes after had we hacked this prime slice of letteridge from our e-mail account a mysteriously red-faced film-noir style individual crept up to our office, thrust this message into our hands and leaped through the window to escape. After fourteen hours of code-cracking we managed to decipher it...

Dear gair rhydd, I recently wrote a letter of complaint concerning an article in the last edition.

It turns out that I was delusional from a skittles overdose and needed a quiet sitdown. I apologise for what can only be described as lunatic rantings and wish the paper all the success in the future.

P.S. The bit about me wanting to find a wife was also a lie, I fancy badgers, particularly Chinese ones. Please make sure you ignore all letters from me in the future. I am unpredictable.

Yours,

HAVE TEXT WITH gair rhydd 0779 1165837 Put your hand in your pocket and grab your device! Text us, we’ll print practically anything!

And don’t forget to include your name wiseguy. “we’re puzzled, how do you start a comb-over? Has anyone ever actually seen one half grown? Kate, Nicki & Siobhan.”

“The war-history will be the judge,since it has not been the teacher.from godfrey” “To the twat who stole my domino’s pizza hat in solus on 1st march-i had 2 pay £5 deposit on my hat & it was covered in beer whenn bouncer recovered it. U owe me.”

"The pheasant has no agenda!

Bill bailey" "The mysterious egg stealer, terrorising talybont south has been revealed…Paul the cockerels are out to get you!" "cps r a bunch of cowboys from dj basement.ps girls please talk to us" "R u fit? De Pembroke 8 r on de look out for top totty! We r looking for fit men for our top totty list!

Watch this space for updates….kepp lookin good! Love Pembroke 8" "Philos Carlos is a cunt.He has an X-box + he’s locked his door.love disco,bledd + the baby" "Butch Cassidy stole my hat and sense of rhythm. Rhys" "This years letter have been CRAP!come on everyone-lighten up!lets have some more funny ones like the good ‘ol days.spadge!"

"Should I choose brown? Key question-bread, m jackson or painters in.frm peewee" "I love Jake Gyllenhaal, the Lion King & Hint of lime flavour Doritos. eM" “Ok, i think i fancy your sports editor...RIATH AL SAMARRAI, tell me where does he REALLY come from? his name sounds arabic, but where exctly? thanx’leona gome” "Anyone seen that nissan mira advert? That’s not the meaning of the word spafe I know! "Mmm spafe on my face" "Anyone seen georges bush? last seen being licked by a dog called tony. hi to phil by the way! jane X" "Don’t be going poking badgers with spoons!if you do this again, the evil badgers will kick your arses!charlie the most evil badgerxNO SPOONS" "Got shit loads of wrk, its my final yr. I’m doomed I’m doomed I’m doomed I’m doomed I’m doomed I’m doomed I’m doomed I’m doomed I’m doomed! Pass the vodka! Vix" "Maths vs christian union: way+truth=life or life-way=truth?"

Disgruntled

Please e-mail your letters in to us at GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

12 •

gair rhydd 17 03 03

06 LEGENDARY

“All these moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain"

R DIRECTORS

Ridley Scott

ilm directors page

GRiP

By Andy Newbery

idley Scott is largely considered one of the most visual directors of our time.

After graduating from art college in the 1960s, he began his career in advertising. He has been involved in the creation of some 2000 adverts, many award winning, which has set him up with a strong sense of artistic style.

Scott then began working in the BBC, directing a number of television series and setting up his own production company before graduating to feature films.

Scott is a director who has tried his hand at everything: Horror, thriller, action, drama and has developed a strong and unique visual style throughout his career, often using unnatural and impossible light sources, which are

Roy Batty reflects on mortality in Blade Runner particularly evident in his earlier works, like Alien and Blade Runner.

Scott is sometimes accused of making films which focus on style over substance, often with story and characterisation taking a back seat to visual style. And yet, he is still considered a master of his art, creating some of the most seminal images of our time and possessing a rare talent of directing films that are both artistic and commercial successes.

As his career developed, Scott moved toward more character based and naturalistic films, focusing on real stories with real people, often favouring strong female leads: Julianne Moore in Hannibal, Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis in Thelma and Louise

and Six of the Best Thelma Louise (1991) A shift away from his early work, Scott re-invents the traditional ‘buddy-road movie’ enlisting two female leads on the run from the law after killing a would be rapist.

Ending with one of the most uplifting, yet downbeat climaxes in cinema history, this tribute to freedom and independence won six academy awards, including best director.

Black Hawk Down (2002) This film is an hour and a half assault on the senses. A graphic look at the (alleged - grip ed) real life events concerning the Mogadishu incident in Somalia, it was greeted with praise and acclaim and proves Scott is well and truly back on top.

and Demi Moore in G.I Jane.

Despite a number of questionable films he directed through the early nineties, such as White Squall and G.I Jane, he returned to form with the Oscar winning Gladiator in 2000. More recently, Scott has become involved in producing films as well as directing.

He has set up a production company, Scottfree Productions, with his brother, Tony Scott, also a director, who has created films such as Top Gun, Enemy of the State and True Romance. Together, they have produced the TV Movie The Gathering Storm, a biography about Winston Churchill with Albert Finney and Vanessa Redgrave, as well as Ridley's latest film, Matchstick Men.

Black Rain (1989) Scott transplants the gloomy atmosphere of Blade Runner into Japan’s sleazy ‘80’s underworld scene. Michael Douglas and Andy Garcia try to keep their heads as they battle against samurai wielding triads in this tense, though dated thriller.

Blade Runner (1982) Largely misunderstood at the time of its release, thanks to the studio changing the ending to a happy one and including Harrison Ford’s voice over, Blade Runner is still considered one of the most influential sci-fi films of the last 20 years. The film is a bleak dystopian vision, featuring much of Scott's trademark visuals and Harrison Ford as a government sanctioned killer tracking down genetically created replicants.

With no real definition of good vs. evil in the film, many consider it Scott’s finest work.

Alien (1979) Scott’s second feature, but his first commercial success, here he re-invents the monster from space movie and created arguably the best Alien film.

Not as action packed as its sequel, Scott uses his style to create suspense and tension, allowing the alien only a short amount of screen time for maximum effect.

Gladiator (2000) Many consider this a return to form for Scott, paying homage to classic Hollywood movies such as Ben Hur and Spartacus.

Future Plans and Projects

After Black Hawk Down, Scott’s next film is much anticipated.

He has just finished producing and directing the comedy drama, Matchstick Men in which Nic Cage plays a con artist on the verge of a lucrative swindle, whose life changes when his teenage daughter unexpectedly turns up on his doorstep and jeopardises his high risk scam.

Matchstick Men is due towards the end of 2003.

Scott is also currently working on Tripoli, due in 2004.

07

GRiP

Emotionally unbalanced EQUILIBRIUM

RELEASED: 14TH MARCH CERTIFICATE: 15 RUNNING TIME: 107 mins CAST Christian Bale: John Preston Emily Watson: Mary Taye Diggs: Brandt Angus MacFadyen: DuPont

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Dir.: Kurt Wimmer Scr.: Kurt Wimmer Set some time after World War Three, a solution to prevent another is being enforced: stamp out all remaining traces of human emotion, the "disease" which causes the proliferation of hatred and anger. Cue totalitarian dystopia, an underground resistance, and battles between the two.

T

he key to a good fictional dystopia is a chilling plausibility, stemming from magnified aspects of reality; from the religious fundamentalist regime of The Handmaid’s Tale to Orwell’s Big Brother state, the possibility that this could actually happen underlies the ostensible lunacy.

It’s not a promising sign, then, that Equilibrium’s premise is flawed and illogical: surely it is not emotion which is at the root of human evil, but the very lack of it?

It’s a premise which leads to a plot riddled with

inconsistency: if dulling emotions - via drugs, the banning of art and the execution of those convicted of "sense crimes" - is the way forward to a peaceful state, the regular shoot-outs seem to indicate that it is not working.

The shoot-outs are the result of the ongoing battle between those who refuse to abide by the new society’s rules and the crack police squad designed to eliminate them. The head of the latter is John Preston, the Grammaton Cleric (Christian Bale); almost immediately, he discovers his partner (Sean Bean) secretly reading Yeats, and blows his brains out.

Together with the news that his wife had been executed for a sense crime some four years earlier, his intransigence means that his conversion to the cause of emotion can be sighted some miles off. There’s nothing remotely interesting about the

way in which it occurs, either: there is the predictable love interest, a woman guilty of sense crimes (a bored-looking Emily Watson, presumably wondering what an actress of her calibre is doing in a film like this), and the inevitable Yank confusion of emotion with schmaltz, courtesy of a yelping puppy which Bale rescues from imminent death. (How a puppy is responsible for war is never explained, but by that point you’ll have long ceased to care.)

Equilibrium is not only dumb and confused, though; it ties itself in knots by attempting to think too hard, but there’s no imagination left over for any originality. The action scenes are lifted bodily from The Matrix and Minority Report, though at one point what appears to be a Darth Vader mask is sighted; Preston’s son is a 57th-rate version of Haley Joel Osment’s

for Blind Date. He also presented The Gong Show, which ushered in the age of The Word and reality TV in its participants' readiness to humiliate themselves to get on air.

However, what wasn't so well-known was his claim that in the early '60s he was recruited by the CIA as an "independent agent", and trained to kill.

The film takes him from a fresh faced scammer and dreamer hoping to break into TV, to a dead-souled assassin

some twenty years later, taking in his relationship with terminally dizzy girlfriend Penny.

It also incorporates (a la Reds) footage of actual friends and colleagues of Barris reminiscing about him.

Rockwell, the doomed bitpart actor in Galaxy Quest, makes a great lead, and isn't afraid to get naked or make a berk of himself. Barrymore, as she proved in Donnie Darko last year, has come on in leaps and bounds as an actress.

The film also keeps wrongfooting you about how to place Barris: just when you've got him pegged as a flop, buffoon and womaniser, he'll come out with an erudite quip – or brutally off someone.

Perhaps most impressively, Clooney has got Ocean's

already-dire character in The Sixth Sense; Christian Bale goes through the motions as a sub-Patrick Bateman automaton, before succumbing to the waves of emotion by hanging his head in his hands.

It’s a fitting reaction to an unbelievably dire movie.

Alex Macpherson

FINAL WORD There’s nothing here you haven’t seen done before.

1984 is a better dystopia, The Matrix has more special effects, Bale is sexier in American Psycho. A film bereft of point or purpose.

✩

Give us a Clooney CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND RELEASED: 14TH MARCH CERTIFICATE: 15 RUNNING TIME: 113 mins

CAST Sam Rockwell: Chuck Barris Drew Barrymore: Penny George Clooney: Jim Byrd Julia Roberts: Patricia Rutger Hauer: Keeler Dir.: George Clooney Scr.: Charlie Kaufman

U WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Eleven co-star buddies Julia Roberts, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt to take tiny parts to give Confessions one of the best cast bills this year.

Peter Roberts

FINAL WORD Like Goodfellas or Boogie Nights, this takes its protagonist briskly through several decades, capturing their sounds and fashions: like these films it slumps into despair around the early '80s. Still, Clooney's direction (like his appearances as the enigmatic Byrd) is crisp and confident.

✩✩✩✩

Film

Chuck Barris was a pop songwriter and TV producer responsible for The Dating Game (an idea sold to Britain as Blind Date) and The Gong Show. He was also (according to his autobiography) an independent CIA operative, responsible for the deaths of 33 people.

(Anthony Hopkin’s August, anything by Sean Penn).

So George Clooney's directorial debut comes as an especially pleasant surprise: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind moves at a hell of a clip, and is extremely funny and entertaining (if a bit dark towards the end).

Chuck Barris was a successful TV game-show producer: his brainchild, The Dating Game, was the model

reviews

sually when actors turn director, they make the sort of films actors like to be in: static, dialogue-heavy, method-acting-friendly movies nobody ever pays to see

08

usicsingles / feature

GRiP

On the eve of the release of his new album From Every Sphere, Jamie Fullerton chatted to Ed Harcourt about what’s wrong with the world...

Ed Harcourt: singer-songwriter. But excrete those images of David Gray entertaining your Grandmother, Harcourt’s songs transcend his genre’s whimsical nothingness, creations of mystical beauty and depth perfectly demonstrated on new LP From Every Sphere. "Is it my best work? Phhhh… who am I to decree what’s my best work?

I’m very self critical but I have no idea. I think it’s a grower, people listen and go, "this is nice" then listen to it a bit more and be like "ah! Now I get what he’s trying to do." And unlike the forementioned entertainer, Harcourt will unroll a stream of headstrong opinions as soon as politics is mentioned. "I’m proud of being English you know, I just wish the English weren’t so in awe of America. I like America as a country, I just think that some people are quite ignorant. Nabraska, Iowa, Idaho, the kind of areas where you walk into a bar and there’s a bloke with a mullet. He looks at you, he’s big, and the first thing he says is "D’ya like fishin’?" …and then he goes "are you scared?", and then the band go into Sweet Home Alabama. They’re like "Hey, you’re English, that Tony Blair is suckin’ George Bush’s cock! Not only is he sucking George Bush’s cock, he’s reaching around an’ touching his ass-hole!" And Bush?

"He’s stupid, he knows fuck all. He got to Yale, and Harvard. This is fucking scary…he has the brain the size of an ostrich." Here is a musician in a state of intense interaction with the world in which he dwells, but does his inspiration come from a higher ground? Is he a religious man? "No. Definitely not. I find it a joke, organised religion. I’m interested in the fact that a lot of people actually believe these stories, you know, Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt… alright! What kind of fucking drugs were you on? Can I have some please? It just seems like there was some prophet on mushrooms who was writing all this stuff. But if religion makes vulnerable people do something good with their lives then fine."

Strong words from a man who enjoys voicing his opinions? "I can sound like a dumb cunt. I don’t like giving too much of myself away.

I know its important that people hear what I’ve got to say, but why is anything that I say important? I think people put too much importance on rock stars like Nicole Kidman or Michael Douglas.

They are obsessed with the rich and famous…who gives a fuck? I don’t give a fuck if Catherine Zeta Jones puts on a strap on dildo and fucks Michael Douglas up the arse! Why should I care? Why should I care about Zoe Ball? I don’t. I don’t want to think about that, I couldn’t give a fuck. But yeah my fans want to hear what I have to say, so come and talk to me." You heard the man, go and talk to him!

Sphere he comes!

CAESARS Jerk It Out Virgin

WIDESCREEN Tailspin Sony

DJ JESUS Space Girl Megabop

NIGHTMARES ON WAX 70’s 80’s Warp

Ho hum, another day another Swedish garage band. Checking for obligatory derivative references...ah, this one’s got a bit of the Stooges in it, and reminds a little of the Kinks, unfortunately that’s not really enough to save it from complete mediocrity. The lyrics are all Hives-ish half-sensical English and it’s not even played with particular intensity either, more a sort of affected manic energy that feels a tad contrived. One to avoid.

Jon Griffiths

More major-label mediocrity exploiting the public's love of soft rock. How long before they find their short and shallow label-love-affair in tatters once Sony admits such joyless cloning is unprofitable and decides to concentrate its efforts upon more 'commercially viable' projects? Apologies to Widescreen who deserve better treatment but we've seen it before with Thirteen:13.

Meantime, expect C-list air-play and TOTP's Sarah Cawood proclaiming this her favourite song.

Dave Gibson

Aside from the depressingly humourless moniker and the sort of house-by-numbers backing track twelve year olds vomit candy floss over waltzer rides to at travelling funfairs, this particular gem also features a Bernard Sumner soundalike cooing, "Ohh lonely space girl / shoot your ray gun" for several hours. Of the three monolithically dreary mixes available, the pick of the bunch is Transpace, although this is like saying the best knife to stab yourself with is the sharpest. John Widdop

Yet another classic slice of downtempo bliss from Nightmares On Wax. A nostalgic look back on all that was rotten and great about being “A 70’s baby, early 80’s child” featuring a slew of ska references and several swipes at the mad old bat who was running the country into the ground.

Remixing duties come courtesy of Roots Manuva and the excellent RJD2, the former beefing up the originals street credentials and strengthening the rhymes whilst the latter goes for an all out, funked up attack on the melody.

Well worth a trip back in time for.

Andy Parsons

★★ CORRIGAN Sometimes I Think About Bright Star Recordings A flurry of intricately woven guitars, supported by rhythmic drumming, and some atmospheric snatches of keyboard introduce the listener to the beautiful skill of Corrigan.

The vocal styling creates an air of menace and foreboding in both the single, and the first B-side, Face. The final B-side reveals a more reminiscent and ponderous side to the band. To label Corrigan with a genre definition would be to limit the true majesty of the band’s music. Paul Brown

★★★★

No Stars

★★★

★★★★

QUIET KILLAZ Warning Distinctive Breaks You know when you’re in a club - the sort of place which pretends to play proper dance music, but which actually plays lame-ass house all night - and it’s getting towards the end of the night, and your brain starts to go a bit, and you suddenly realise that for the past eight minutes you haven’t actually been aware of any of the music at all? This is probably the song you missed.

Alex Macpherson

★

EL HULA Songs Of Violent Love Glowh

N.o.W: Still Smokin’

Of all the lame-ass phases Bowie went through, I don’t recall a Mariachi period.

Lucky us - it would have sounded like El Hula. Moaning and depressing, it’s less appealing than a massage from a leper.

The sweet former single Honalula is on the B side, but it’ll take more than that to rescue Songs of Violent Love from the bin. Mat Croft

★

09

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Single of the fortnight

Damon: Soon on his own?

BLUR Out Of Time Parlophone Maybe finally shrugging off their caricature image, this return signals no more faux Cockney knees-ups for the newly diminished (minus Graham) form of Blur.

Out Of Time is a polar-opposite to the disgracefully grotesque cabaret act of Country House and, with each hearing, increasingly wonderful.

Beautifully grave and with something of an end of an era melodramatic undertone, it predominantly focuses, even more than usual, on Damon’s vocals; fittingly matured nicely and managing to be both equally lazily low-key and feverishly endearing in parts.

Compulsive and depressing, the release is seasonally timed well, with an apt shrugging off of winter but not out of the woods quite yet sobriety.

Always one of the greats within their musical ‘field’ this is such a superb comeback that Muhammad Ali would be proud. Gemma Curtis

THE AFTERNOONS Dwi’n Mynd I Newid Dy Feddwl Saturday Records

★★★★

Step back in time...

JENNIFER LOPEZ FEAT. LL COOL J All I have Epic Well what more can you ask for? One has the most famous bum on the planet and the other has an amazing new six pack! Bodies aside, these two artists are both superstars in their own right and following the recent explosion of RnB duets (think Nelly and Kelly, Beyonce and Jay Z) they are both on top form. Taking a chilled out approach, LL Cool J’s smooth vocals fit in perfectly with J-Lo’s lyrics. It takes a few spins to get used to it, and even if it is a little cheesy it is still a pretty cool tune! Angela Singh

★★

average album track to another slice of the commercial radio fodder that is giving Drive-Thru such a bad reputation. Owain Cooke

★★ SAINT ETIENNE Soft Like Me Mantra It may be March, but the miserable Welsh winter shows no sign of ending any time soon; the arrival of the sun can only be hastened by the return of Saint Etienne, though. Soft Like Me is packed with lush harmonies, light-headed melodies and unashamedly feminine rapping, courtesy of one Wildflower. B-side Time And Tide, meanwhile, is the perfect soundtrack to a summer evening in the company of a bottle of dry white. Delicious.

Alex Macpherson

★★★★ GADGIL Partykle Science Megabop

★★★ While I admit that I like Finch's ever so slightly hard edged pop-punk, this is easily my least favourite song off last year's What It Is To Burn album. The already sickly original from their Falling In To Place EP is made near unlistenable by Mark Trombino's over-production and pointless effects which transform it from being an

3 DOORS DOWN When I’m Gone Republic/Universal Take a little Creed mixed with Stain’d, and a pinch of Nickleback. Next add in a small amount of everything you hate about post-grunge ‘alternative pop/rock’ (but be sure to remove the swear

★★★

PHASER Sway (album sampler) Emperor Norton Records

JA RULE Mesmerize Murder Inc.

Phaser seem to have attempted to resurrect the rotting corpses of long dead indie bands to add some life (ha!) to this bland and unoriginal offering. It doesn’t quite work, however, and we’ve been left with the musical equivalent of the brain dead zombies of The Verve, the Stone Roses, and The Smiths lurching around a sonic graveyard. The real low light is the final song - essentially How Soon Is Now? reanimated by retards.

Amy Butterworth

People like Ja Rule give hip hop a bad name - and I don’t mean because of violent or misogynous lyrics, but because his music is just so bloody piss poor. Mesmerize welcomes the guest vocals of Ashanti, and not surprisingly, it sounds much the same as their last collaboration, Always On Time. However, on this release, Ashanti fails to save us from his grating singing and infuriating pseudo-rap.

Jeremy Townsend

★★ CLEARLAKE Almost the Same Domino Having given themselves in to the indie schmindie police at Domino, you should in theory be expecting bigger, crazier and more Ooberman twee from this, the first release from the Cedars EP. Although in practise, the general ethos that Clearlake are nowt more than just "quite good" remains, and Jason Peggs cockney waggle has been lo-fied down a bit but, to avoid any bad jokes on the title, play this alongside previous single Let Go and er... they're nearly identical. John Widdop

★★ LITTLE JAPANESE TOY Calling Disused Numbers Star Harbour Scottish three-piece Little Japanese Toy follow in the grand tradition of the folky indie psychedelia which has

★ THE D4 Lady’s Man Infectious More retro garage rock from New Zealand; this time in the form of The D4. Lady’s Man offers a mixture of 70’s and 80’s tight-trousered rock of the likes of Deep Purple and AC/DC with that fresh new millennium twist, which has revived this genre in recent months. Although not entirely original, as garage rock bands seem to be very common nowadays, the D4 definitely know how to write a good song and the live B-sides prove that the band are more than capable of reproducing that sound on stage.

Chris Martin

★★★ MISSY ELLIOTT Gossip Folks Electra Even a slightly wonky remix from Fatboy Slim can’t stop this from being a glorious riot of hip hop madness. Superb.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

★★★★ ABANDONED POOLS The Remedy B-Unique It's a sad truth, but most of the sales of this record will be attributed to the band's connections with American altpoppers Eels. Sad, because Abandoned Pools are actually a great band in their own right. This single is a piano steeped goth-pop song, but you really shouldn't let this put you off, as beneath the dark surface lies heartfelt lyrics and a chorus catchier than the latest bout of 'flu. Will Turnpenny

★★★★ I AM KLOOT Untitled # 1 Echo Mancunian miserabalists and Turin Brakes’ new buddies return with this surprisingly jaunty new single. I Am Kloot have survived the tragic demise of We Love You records and the slightly less tragic demise of the new acoustic movement to bring us the perfect tune to usher in the spring sunshine. It’s a refreshing change from the ‘kill me before you die’ sentiments of their last album, and shows that even though it’s still raining outside in I Am Kloot world, impending doom is further away that ever before. Maria Thomas

★★★★

PLACEBO The Bitter End Hut/Virgin Four albums, and one amazing spat with Daphne & Celeste later, Placebo are back with all the youthful fury and angst shown in Nancy Boy all those long years ago. Brian Molko takes the opportunity to show off his intense singing voice, while even sounding venomous when buried by the guitars at the song’s climax. A must buy, and must-see on tour next month. David Marcus

★★★★

Music

FINCH Letters To You Drive Thru

★★

emanated from Britain’s Celtic fringes over the years. Violins, feedback, James Mabbett’s ethereal, multi-tracked vocals and lackadaisical chord progressions fall perfectly into place between each other. It’s hard to escape a feeling that you’ve heard it all before, though. Alex Macpherson

OrTo Change Your Mind for those who don’t speak Welsh, although it’s not really necessary to speak the language to enjoy the music here. A piece of lovely jangly summery pop which’ll doubtlessly only sell about five copies due to a) its lack of English vocals and b) the fact that no one wants to listen to summery music when it’s so cold outside. Shame Jon Griffiths

singles

J-Lo: Does my bum look big in this?

Ignore the title and enjoy the ambience of this local release.

With few benchmarks to set this against (I’m hardly a drum-n-bass connoisseur) finding criticism is difficult so let’s consider the positives: it’s tight; it accomplishes its desired euphoria; it’s better than nine-tenths of the other singles reviewed this week; its a thousand-times better than your mate’s demo that he’s so proud of. On the other hand, artists like these must be twoa-penny among the UK’s underground dance-scenes.

Where’s the blood?

Dave Gibson

words and offensive bits).

Then place in the CD player and leave the CD to spin for a good (radio-friendly) 3 minutes at volume 5.

And there you have it: your very own clean-cut, soft-rock ballad. Enjoy.

Jeremy Townsend

BEST OF THE REST

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Musialbums c

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PICK OF Album of the fortnight THE REST

BUCK 65

Square WEA Music

ZONGAMIN Zongamin XL Recordings/Flesh Records Apart from the musical lushness of Susumu Yokota, Japan isn’t really famed for it’s floor filling dance supremos.

However this could be set to change with the appearance of an album by Susumu “Zongamin” Mukai whose debut single Serious Trouble lit up clubs from Berlin to Birmingham and featured prominently on last years 2 Many DJs mix album.

Zongamin leaps between streamlined smooth house, low slung, Chic-esque funk and oddball genius.

Recent singles Spiral and Tunnel Music are the pick of the crop, but with every track having some individual genius, it’s hard to chose the best moments. Like the Metro Area album earlier this year, a superb album of varied dancefloor class.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

THE BLOODTHIRSTY LOVERS The Bloodthirsty Lovers Frenchkiss /Southern Labelmates to the united-byinsanity Les Savy Fav and The Apes, The BL’s have already donned the mask of cool simply by appearing in the same lists as the aforementioned. But don’t be fooled, as although the cabinfever art punk of their cohabitants is riotous, it’s also prickly. So luckily this project, with centrifuge frontman Dave Shouse calling the shots, more than smooths the edges.

The slippery way the tracks slip from twizzles of Mogwai (gorgeously fuzzy opening track Telepathic) to the stretching fields of Grandaddy (on Sonic Letter To Sara Jean) make this debut hard to pin down anywhere in the psyche, but luckily hard to dismiss in the process. It amalgamates to one feast celebrating the best of American lo-fi cross-bred with timeless 60s melodies and jittery drum-machines.

The Bloodthirsty Lovers may buck a serious trend by not being Bloodthirsty (or Lovers, come to think of it) but take one listen to 2,000 Lightyears From Home or its counterpart 1,000 Lightyears From Home and thoughts turn to “Flaming who?

Polyphonic who?” The gap in the market for goofy, breezy, pleasantly pretentious spacepop isn’t particular big, but the Bloodthirsty Lovers have pretty much sealed it and caused and overflow. John Widdop

★★★★

Every now and then an album lands in your lap that you know is just a bit special. Square is certainly one of these. It may not cover territory that Boom Bip and Dose One did with Circle last year, but it’s still one of the finest hip-hop records you’ll hear all year. As his major label debut, some people feared that Buck’s underground chic would be ruined by executives eager to lift singles from the record. However featuring only four epic 15 minute tracks there’s no fear of a push for the pop charts. Shifting between cinematic soundscapes, skits and seriously cool rhymes, Square constantly re-invents itself with raps about hobos riding the rails, the dangers of science, prejudice and the joys of good food.

It’s about time that a rapper became recognised for his intelligence and skill rather than just the bling bling. Smart yet accessible, dry yet laced with humour Square is an Endtroducing for the new millennium - completely essential and highly addictive. Andy Parsons

★★★★★

Dollars and sense DJ FORMAT Music For The Mature BBoy Genuine And so the beat of British hiphop rumbles on. After the impact made by such luminaries as Mark B and Blade and Roots Manuva on the UK hip-hop scene, proof that it wasn’t just a flash in the pan, in the shape of Brighton resident Matt Ford aka DJ Format.

A funky bag of vocal and instrumental tracks, Music For The Mature B-Boy exudes pure class. Whether it’s Toronto’s Abdominal equating food to beats in opener Ill Culinary Behaviour, Jurassic 5’s Chali 2na and Akil on current single We Know Something or just DJ Formats own insane cut and sample instrumentals, you’re know you’re never far from genius. Charity Shop Sound Clash sees a collaboration with Bristol based nutters Aspects, explaining the ins and outs of buying second vinyl whilst Format is allowed out on his own on the cut and paste madness of English Lesson.

A mesh of top quality rapping, lively beats and mad samples, Music For The Mature B-boy is a fantastic record in the vein of Jurassic 5 and Herbaliser, you have been warned, ignore it at your peril!

Rob Jackson

★★★★

STYLOPHONIC Man Music Technology Prolifica This is the debut album from Italian DJ Stephano Fontano and it features a mix of electro, disco, hip-hop, funk and techno amongst other styles, all wrapped up together in one neat package. When I heard the title of this album I thought it was going to be a nice slab of Krautrock in the vein of Kraftwerk, however while there is an element of this as one of the many styles at play, the main reference point would have to be French disco funk types Daft Punk, especially on the track All Night Long.

Stephano’s approach is best summed up by the track It’s The Old School With The New School, as this is a very

eclectic album, mixing old and new in a very funky way with big beats and basslines. A pretty good first effort.

Jon Griffiths

★★★

KELLY OSBOURNE Shut Up Epic This album is a mixture of Kelly’s influences so there’s the stuttering pop punk of opener Disconnected, shades of Courtney Love’s anguished growl on the chorus of Come Dig Me Out, and the outstanding spiky-punk version of Madonna’s Papa Don’t Preach. Unfortunately the contrived whiney punk-bynumbers of the title track and filler Too Much Of You often overshadow the albums highlights, plus the token cheesy ballad More Than Life Itself sticks out like a sore thumb. This clean-cut punk is too corporate to be really engaging, but in her own sphere Kelly shows she has the attitude to outlast the likes of Avril Lavigne.

Bill Cummings

★★★

THE DURUTTI COLUMN Someone Else’s Party Artful The umpteenth album from the man who famously released his debut LP in a sandpaper sleeve so it would destroy the records around it is an eclectic if somewhat dour affair. With titles such as Requiem for My Mother and Spasmic Fairy, it’s easy to predict that Vini Reilly probably hasn’t been listening to the BeachBoys much lately. The sparse, claustrophobic soundscapes of tracks like Remember recall the starkness of former labelmates Joy Division, while Somewhere sounds like it was written by an even more miserable Johnny Marr. Someone Else’s Party impressively manages to sound like the last twenty five years of Mancunian music, if say, Brown, Morrissey and Curtis had all been on horse tranquillizers.

Although the album incorporates an admirable number of influences (such as

Buck 65: Always prepared, Buck never missed an episode of Diagnosis Murder...

the hip hop stylings of Love Is a Friend) there are no real changes in pace, and the overall effect is like trying to wade through congealed porridge. If this record was to soundtrack any party, it would be played at 4 am as the remaining guests huddle under one duvet in a room that smells of crustiness laughing hysterically for no apparent reason. Maria Thomas

★★★

THE SCARAMANGA SIX Strike! Up The Band Wrath Records With raw-sounding guitars, catchy riffs and the all-round lively and light-hearted attitude of the band, I imagine The Scaramanga Six are great live – and the atmosphere of a gig in a small club definitely comes across on record.

It’s a comedy album – not laugh-out-loud funny, and not subtly witty either, but with lyrics like”I lick my lips/And beat my wife and kids” you know they’re not the most serious band in the world.

(Well, I hope not anyway.)

Excited shouting from the singers; unembellished guitars, and added colour from various instruments – organ, sax, etc. all help to keep the madness going. Guitars on Rush Of Blood are played by former band member ‘the legendary’ Bill Bailey. Whether it is the comedian or not, I don’t know.

Sounds plausible though.

Jeremy Townsend

much so that ex-member Stephen Malkmus could have probably still survived in the musical climate if he had chosen to market just his name rather than his tunes. Yet the easy route of clinging to past glories has been ignored and his solo song-writing efforts, (but not album, hence the ...And The Jicks addition) have instead resulted in a genuine treat of a release.

And although not lazily relying on urban myth and legend to do the hard work for him, he does notably tread heavily on the distinctive sound that Pavement made their own.

The typical skewed melodies are aplenty as are the interesting guitar solos that littered his old bands impressive back catalogue. His personal imprint on this basis has developed however since 2001’s eponymous LP. Furthering a distinctive lyrical exploration and attributable, one assumes, to the The Jicks stability, a tighter, more cohesive sound, and definite direction has emerged. With the sweetness of Craw Song and dingy growl of Dark Wave the combination creates an appeasing equilibrium.

Pig Lib is a pleasure for those who hanker somewhat after the good old days of American originality in alternative music, though for the non-believer it may prove a slight bore. Lucy Thomas

★★★

★★★★

STEPHEN MALKMUS AND THE JICKS Pig Lib Domino Drop the name Pavement into any discussion of old-skool ‘alternative’ tunesters and instantly achieve a step up on the street-cred ladder it seems. So

Malkmus: Still cool after all these years

11 MC HONKY! I Am The Messiah B-Unique Who is MC Honky? We’re supposed to believe that he’s an OAP DJ who exists as a Ren and Stimpy style cartoon character. It would be nice to think that this deranged alter ego isn’t inspired by Damon Albarn’s Gorillaz, but indeed this is the hyperactive work of a living, breathing and hugely bearded human being, Mark ‘E’ Everett of the fantastic Eels. It’s not the selfindulgent tosh it could easily have been though, as a low key release aimed at E’s hardcore following.

Intriguing croaky vocals speak (rather than rap) self-help inspired drawlings over a DJ Shadow-esque frantic mish-mash of Becky bongos and trailblazing Hammonds, beautifully inter-weaved with the touching existence-affirming A Good Day To Be You, which for four short minutes floats the listener into God’s own snug-room.

“You are very well read, but you don’t make me feel stupid. Thank you”, Honky compliments. Lovely stuff.

Jamie Fullerton

★★★★

MELYS Casting Pearls Sylem Records Despite being one of the most overlooked bands to come out of Wales in recent years, Melys have certainly put themselves on the map with this, their third studio album. Casting Pearls has both uplifting songs (So Good) and darker, bittersweet tracks (My Downer Pill) which gives the album a great variety in sound and style.

The production is watertight and the playing is virtually flawless - Andrea Parker’s gorgeous vocals are offset beautifully by some superb guitar playing. Synthesizers are also thrown into the mix producing a fantastic sound and a quite outstanding album.

GRiP Once you put this album in your CD player, it’ll be a long time before it leaves. Andy Lightfoot

★★★★

THE KILLS Keep On Your Mean Side Domino “I’m Mr. Kill” a mannequin beefcake actor announced to Pierce Brosnan in the latest and direst James Bond film ever. “That’s a name to die for”, Pierce inevitably replied through a smirk; cinemas across the land groaned. The Kills, ex-Scarfo punk Jamie ‘Hotel’ Hince and snarly Yank vocalist Alison ‘VV’ Mosshart; another stompy garage rock band to die for?

Quite possibly, although their brand of lo-fi hard edged blues rock isn’t as throttlingly immediate as that of, say, The White Stripes. The dark chemistry between the two members is a musical soap opera that seethingly bubbles beneath tracks like the Jesus and Mary Chain spunk of Fuck The People and the hangover blues of Kissy Kissy, retaining a sense of on-edge intrigue to the finish. Jamie Fullerton

★★★

THE ATARIS So Long, Astoria Columbia Cali-punks Ataris are like Blink 182, Sum 41, New Found Glory et al’s kind uncle. Every year they come to visit, tell you the same stories about staying who you are, and that being a teenager is the most important time of your life.

Which apart from being the lyrical equivalent of “my, how you’ve grown” confirms Uncle Atari as being older, wiser, and one step ahead of the younger generation.

Now on their umpteenth album of essentially the same songs, the point is entirely questionable, but in the world of the Ataris where misery is something

that only happens to 15 year old boys at parties with girls, and the rest is one long ascent into elation, who’s complaining?

This world is neatly encapsulated in their suspiciouslymiddle-aged but obviously excellent cover of Don Henley’s Boys of Summer. The sad truth is that ultimately, people don’t want to hang round with their uncles, so whilst So Long Astoria scores moral and technical five-stars, you can’t help but feel ten years older listening to it.

Which, in the world of feel good American alt-rock, is an impressively weird sensation. John Widdop

★★★★

ATHLETE Vehicles And Animals After four singles and a lot of touring and recording in the past year, cockney geezers athlete are ready to release their debut long player vehicles and animals.

Kicking off in style with the recent single El Salvador, which has gained a lot of support from Radio One and the like, this album doesn’t disappoint. A varied mix of guitars, driving bass, keyboards and the odd synth sound thrown in for good measure. Athlete skip between stomping sing-alongs like Westside andYou Got The Style and slower, more touching songs like the title track and You Know, which aren’t instant but really grow on you after a few listens. However, the possible highlight track comes in the shape of the melodic Shake Those Windows, with it’s simple hummable tune and lyrics, the band sound like they’re really happy with what they’re doing.

Athlete:The style?

Vehicles And Animals is a fantastic debut from a band who deserve much more attention then they’ve had; maybe with this album they’ll get it.

Simon Smale

★★★★

BETTIE SERVEERT Log 22 Palomine Cult Dutch band Bettie Serveert have built up a decent-sized following over the best part of the last decade. On the evidence of Log 22, it’s hard to see why: in the main, it’s standard middleof-the-road soft rock fare. There are positives: occasionally, singer Carol Van Dyk hits on a tune strong enough to hold the listener’s attention - the propulsive title track, for instance; perky dance oddity and stand-out song The Love In is a gratifying departure from the soft-focus angst which dominates the album; and there are moments of almost Shakira-esque syntactical strangeness (“on an odd scale of one to five, have we been stirred alive?” asks Wide Eyed Fools). Nevertheless, it’s hard to be enthusiastic about the sluggish, stodgy remainder, and there’s a sense that Bettie Serveert would fit right in on the faux-goth soundtrack to Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Kudos and an extra star, though, for naming their band after a long-forgotten 70s tennis player.

Alex Macpherson

★★

From despair to where?

P

had deemed them one-hit wonders, with a mature yet starkly beautiful album, Without You I’m Nothing.

From this, sprung the delightful single Pure Morning which saw Molko return to his former sex-kitten look, as caked in make-up and femininity, he gazes innocently from the top of a building. The album stormed the charts, and glittery teenage girls and boys gasped as the most glamorous band on the scene returned to their former glory.

In the press, friendship (and maybe more) with the American selfproclaimed God Of Fuck; Marilyn Manson tantalised fans further, while the war with the music press began to slowly refuel.

Becoming desperately anxious by what the world was saying, the band isolated themselves before heading off to Japan sporting surprising new looks. Molko had lost his raven bob and make-up and had opted for a short yet sleek look. Olsdal had shaved his bleach blonde locks revealing a more dark, sincere look and teddy-bear like Hewitt had grown stubble. Fans and press alike began to doubt the bands future as they increasingly isolated themselves from public view. They were truly a band in crisis.

The final blow came in 2000 when

third album Black Market Music was ravished by critics, who saw the band’s new direction as a bad mistake. Fans too began to doubt the band’s future yet stayed loyal in a hope of seeing their boys rule the airwaves again, even through very public spats with the likes of poptwats Daphne &Celeste.

So after three years it looks like that might just happen as they get set to unleash their fourth album Sleeping With Ghosts on the world.

With new single The Bitter End doing the rounds on all the music channels, let’s hope that this time the tasty trio will rise again into the limelight and sparkle, right where they belong.

SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS Hut/Virgin Skipping the poorly received Black Market Music and following on from where the gorgeous Without You I’m Nothing left off. Sleeping With Ghosts is a wonderfully melodic affair while still maintaining that peculiar Placebo edginess that keeps us coming back again and again. With this new fire in their bellies, Placebo give us an album which pretty much pisses all over

anything similar bands have released lately.

Well produced and lyrically advanced on their previous efforts Incorporating gentle beats on tracks like English Summer Rain and a delicious urgency in Molko’s voice on tracks like Second Sight and single The Bitter End shows that Placebo are finally delivering an album people knew they were capable of making. Superb stuff.

Gemma Jones

★★★★★

PLACEBO - A Top Ten 1. Teenage Angst 2. Nancy Boy 3. The Bitter End 4. Pure Morning 5. Second Sight 6. 36 Degrees 7. You Don’t Care About Us 8. Black Eyed 9. Slave To The Wage 10. Bruise Pristine

M usic albums/Feature

lacebo have had a varied career since the release of their debut single Come Home in 1996 on Deceptive Records. A career fiilled with more ups and downs than your average porn-star.

The release of their eponymous debut album later that year on Hut Records saw drummer Robert Schultzberg promptly throwing a wobbly and quitting, leaving vocalist Brian Molko and bassist Stefan Olsdal with an uncertain future.

Controversial yet kookily catchy singles like Nancy Boy and Teenage Angst filled with sleazy tales of decadence and dubious sexuality quickly multiplied Placebo’s fanbase. People bored with the same bland Britpop formula were now looking to this make-up wearing pan-American pixie for something new and exciting - and boy, did he deliver…

From paranoid spats with the music press to claims of leaving “a trail of blood and spunk” whereever they toured. The cross-dressing Brian could never be described as the shy, retiring type or more importantly, boring.

In 1998,with new drummer Steve Hewitt firmly in place and at what seemed like the peak of their career, Placebo hit back at the critics who

12

GRiP Pic: Tim Alban

BOWLING FOR SOUP/SIMPLE PLAN/CAPDOWN/UNCLE BRIAN The Great Hall Uncle Brian are, almost to a dictionary definition, crap. Stick to your day job of supporting even less popular bands, losers. Next on the pop-punk podium, Simple Plan. Who shout “gee, man” a lot, and appear to be almost entirely unable to get over the fact that “wow! we’re actually playing to people!” for long enough to take a breath. But are actually fantastic. Remember, just cos’ songs like I’d Do Anything are the two-times table to Radiohead’s calculus, doesn’t mean they’re not good. And at any rate, the kids love them which is the whole point.

Although, however easily converted the crowd is to Simple Plan, the baffling devotion bestowed upon Cap”We’ll Support Anyone” Down is just weird. Neither fantastic or horrific, and seemingly too intelligent even, it’s hard to understand what exactly is the appeal. Then in the distance you hear the answer tooting at you. Ska punk. NEXT! Bowling For Soup’s rise to success is not unlike the feeding of the five thousand. Extending two alright songs and one Bryan Adams cover into a nationwide headlining tour of Student Union-sized venues is nothing if not miraculous.

Ver Soup’s problem is not one of inability. For what they are, they look good (with hahaha! a big fat guitarist! and a pig-ugly singer!) and as far as rushed renditions of singles Emily and The Bitch Song go, they sound good too.

But the serious problem is that they actually don’t give a shit. As singer Jaret informs us mid-set “it’s all about the lyrics. It’s all about fucking your best friend’s girl”. What’s more, they don’t expect to be taken seriously. And if the joke is playing your songs at double-speed and then brushing them aside in order to make more pranks about Christopher Van Malmsteen’s obesity and talk about titties then why bother? If it’s “all about the lyrics” then why are we paying to watch these half-wits try and play songs?

The road to punk-rawk Damascus is dark and strange. The light evidently hasn’t dawned on Bowling For Soup, but hey, at least the middle -class rich kids aren’t going hungry, eh? John Widdop

on

usiclive

Band all the kiddies want

Bowling for Soup:Ugly Kid Jaret

WATERSHED/MINOR PLANET Barfly The first band of the evening opened with an accomplished instrumental track, complete with keyboards and a trumpet triumphantly heralding a new and exciting group. The second track, however, saw the arrival of the female vocalist, who although aesthetically pleasing, confident and clearly talented, turned Manchester’s Minor Planet into something seen many times before – a group of musicians whose fate was sealed by learning to play their instruments properly and not being very exciting at all really.

Many bands sprang to mind when watching Watershed – the atmospherics of Muse and Mansun with Starsailor being Jeff Buckley on vocals - and an amalgam of these is no bad thing in my opinion. It does of course beg the question of why we need Watershed, though. No much new here but that hasn’t stopped many talented (and much less imaginative) bands from being successful and I’m sure Watershed have picked up a few fans from this gig. I really wanted to be blown away by these bands but sadly all the obvious talent and showmanship did not accomplish it.

Morwenna Kearns

MCLUSKY/NAMELESS MS1 Tonight’s event was advertised as a benefit concert to stop the war (just how this was supposed to be achieved is unclear though presumably by hiring the assassination of President Bush). What band to best remind us of the ferocity and volume of warfare than Cardiff industrial-metallers Nameless. Featuring pseudonyms such as XXX Rated and Broken Leaf (formerly known as Teflon Monkey), Nameless are rock the good, old-fashioned way. Singer Al howls as he throws himself around the stage, his snake-skin trousers outlining far more than strictly necessary, with an energy missing from the three less-established support acts. Though musically, they remain part of a genre brandishing few mainstream acts, Nameless will always have a valid place touring the lowcapacity venue circuit provided they maintain the energy and tightness (both musically and trouser-wise) inherent in their set.

Mclusky are the predictable victors of the night, however, with their listenerfriendly blend of light-hearted garagepunk. With inter-song banter between Jon Chapple and Andy Falkous, the

audience become part of the Mclusky experience. Though treading a fine musical- and comedic-line separating the band from novelty status, Mclusky remain one of Wales’ brightest bands.

The pop-appeal of songs such as Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues and Whoyouknow makes the band easier to stomach for those finding the heavynature of tonight’s other attractions alienating. While Mclusky remain fairly unknown outside of the sunny Welsh climes, it can only be a matter of time before they receive the recognition they so rightly deserve. Ignore this band? Not in my name! Dave Gibson

THE MARTINI HENRY RIFLES/THE BLACK MADONNAS Barfly The Black Madonnas have as many different images as their name suggests; generic indie-drummer and Gorky’s Euros Childs goes punk-rock bassist sharing a stage with two guitarists, one straight-out-of-Madness rudeboy with a pikey/redneck trailer trash dwarf who could marry his sister at any given moment. Pedalling an equally uninspiring sludge they begin with Led Zep riffage and Rage Against the Machine angst but limp, wounded, over the line with cut-price QOTSA deep south country metal.

The Martinis are special. They are special because they know that music is better when it is loud. Then louder. And that it looks better when band members spontaneously attack each other, destroy their presumably uninsured equipment and generally fight a winning battle against gravity. They don’t have songs as such, just the life-affirming metal-rumble of a herd of dinosaurs being boiled alive. It might be The 80s Matchbox who are dragging the deranged blood ‘n’ guts punk of The Birthday Party into the 21st Century, but it’s the Rifles who are drop-kicking it spewing blood and twitching perversely into the space age. Jamie Fullerton

ECHOBOY/APPLIANCE Barfly Support act Appliance are an unassuming bunch of chaps they saunter on stage and begin to weave a musical spectrum of beats and circular Beta Band type melodies over the audience. Tracks like Are You Earthed? and Violins hark back to a kind of eighties electronica that’s long since been consigned to history.

The ‘Boy (as I am told he is fondly

referred to) and his band, produce a sound that harks back to the early days of a keyboard-driven New Order, whilst blending it skillfully with the melodies of Doves. With a new album called Giraffe to promote, Echoboy would hope for a better turn out than the few who have braved the cold to enjoy his sound.

Especially tracks like Wasted Spaces, the catchy Good In TV and the repetitive melodic of new single Automatic Eyes.

It’s a shame to report that Echoboy doesn’t seem to make enough of an impact to really excite, but his music washes over you in the way label-mate Moby’s monotonous beats send you to sleep. Seems Echoboy still has work to do. Bill Cummings

LONGWAVE/THE REALITIES/JARCREW Barfly Barfly line-ups are sometimes spectacularly mismatched, as tonight’s proceedings prove. Jarcrew came down from their mountain hideaway in the darkest recesses of Wales tonight to give us a demonstration of what happens when you provide enough hardcore post-rockers who dress like the Ramones, enough Moog keyboards and badly-tuned guitars.

Spitting out soundwaves like acid, Jarcrew take us where At the Drive-In left off, playing primal, sinister rock while their ‘singer’ throws himself around the auditorium invading the audiences personal space, swigging from their glasses and narrowly missing one with a projectile mic-stand. Jarcrew seem more about energy release than art-metal tunes yet provide a stunning live performance, culminating with their vocalist swinging from the lighting rig before being wrestled to the floor by a psyched-up guitarist.

The two headline bands, on the other hand, fail to live up to such extravagance. The Realities, fronted by a man resembling Fab Morretti, play sunny NYC rock n’ roll of the kind that only the truly cynical could resist. Yet a lack of personalities and truly great tunes leave a standard set only redeemed in the final last quarter.

Longwave, on the other hand, prove the hype unfounded as they push through a set of Pixies/Bunnymen indie which bounds between doleful and occasionally bland. Their fashion-free image and music may contain about just enough credibility to see them comfortably astride British shores, yet as an international act they remain remarkably uninspiring. Dave Gibson

MELYS Clwb Ifor Bach Melys’ music is expansive and ebullient, and works best with the sun shining; it is, therefore, singularly unsuited to a dingy indie venue like Clwb. Nevertheless, the band have learnt from the zillions of times they’ve played here before to adapt well, and in many ways the resultant incongruity makes them even more endearing. Of course, their exquisitely nuanced pop helps, too. Melys transcend their basic girl-singer-plus-Sleeper-blokes template with an ease which Catatonia - the basis for many lazy comparisons - could only dream of.

Small of stature but huge of voice, frontwoman Andrea Parker is capable of stealing the show with her soulful soar on Baby Burn, she unleashes a righteous holler worthy of the good lady Aretha - but she also knows when to let her bandmates shine.

Indeed, a closer comparison than Catatonia would be Saint Etienne. More schmindie and less dance, true; but, like the Saints, Melys are perfectly in tune with the bittersweet nature of the human condition. They can play with an immense joie de vivre - Take Me Out revels in the rush of unthinking emotion but it’s from people who have seen its flipside all too often. “Hold on to all the good times before they pass”, advises Beautiful Life; a truism, but one which sounds so good from Parker’s lips.

Alex Macpherson

HRVATSKI UWIC Howard Gardens Cardiff gigs don’t come much stranger than this; stalwart of the American electronica scene, remixer to such luminaries as Kid606 and star of labels as diverse as Planet Mu and Kranky, playing in the tiny UWIC students union bar after a barnstorming set at the Dedbeat weekender.

A set of two halves, tonight first featured the work of Keith Fullerton Whitman (Hrvatski in ambient mode).

The gentle guitar strums mixed in with electro clicks and pops was easy on the ear, but hardly got the pulse racing.

However its the second half of the set with it’s crunching breakbeats and rapid tempo bass contortions that thrills this evening. Selecting a choice few tracks from his Swarm and Dither album Keith cranks his powerbook up to the limit and shows the crowd how to really dance. A hidden gem. Andy Parsons

13 THE KEYS/WHERE’S FINLEY? Toucan Club Where’s Finley?’s set proves disappointingly mediocre and offers up little to compete with the sudden distraction of the Super Furry Animals’ unanticipated arrival. While their set contains definite tunes struggling to escape their lacklustre constraints, the over-friendly warmth of the songs and Bluetones’ vocals provide barely more than busker-rock at its best.

By the time The Keys take the stage, a fair-sized crowd has gathered. Part of the Welsh fashionably-unfashionable indie-folk scene (Gorky’s, JT Mouse), The Keys seem naturally suited to the atmosphere of tonight’s venue. Decked in woolly jumper and shaggy-blond hair, Matt Evans’ vocals are melodic enough to prevent the quieter moments from grating while the faster songs veer enticingly on the edge of ho-down territory. Though perhaps too alternative to achieve much nation-wide, their local popularity is understandable given the string of tunes they provide.

Dave Gibson

FEEDER/ HELL IS FOR HEROES Newport Centre When Hell Is For Heroes arrived on stage, the hall was packed, the noise immense, both crowd and band doing their best to out do each other on volume. The music was powerful, translating very well from album to the live sound. The crowd was ready for more, but unfortunately schedules have to be adhered to these days. However, HIFH provided more than adequate inertia to carry the crowd enthusiastically through the interval with the power they so competently produced.

After moments of suspense, Feeder emerge and burst straight into recent single Come Back Around. The set list that followed comprised mainly of tracks from this album. The new music has moved on in terms of maturity and

GRiP seriousness. It is truly amazing stuff for listening to in your bedroom, but its effectiveness in the large, loud live venues used by Feeder has to be questioned. Relative to previous albums it’s virtually chillout music, and you couldn’t help but feel that the vast quantity of kiddie-moshers wouldn’t have been able to appreciate its subtleties and emotions.

Despite these concerns though, Feeder’s performance was one of well rehearsed near-perfection, delivered with; emotion, sensitivity and passion.

Past tracks were acknowledged superbly including My Perfect Day, Insomnia, Buck Rogers, and to finish perfectly, Just a Day, the final single before the band’s direction was shaken up.

It has been a great period of change for Feeder recently, in terms of music and personnel, with two out of the four touring band members being in for less than 9 months. Returning home on the tour’s only Welsh date, on St. David’s day, couldn’t really be anything but special. And not just because of the inflatable sheep on the stage.

Greg Cranston

PLUMP DJS Solus It is all too rare an occasion that Solus witnesses a top quality night, and even rarer that it is all done in aid of charity.

And what promised to be a one-off really delivered tonight in an evening of breakbeat mayhem and general madness all round in the name of Amnesty International.

Although relegated to the smaller back room, this was not a setback for the Descant DJs or High Contrast who as usual was flaunting his skill of spinning some quality drum and bass tunes.

Meanwhile in the main room of Solus the big daddy of breakbeat Rennie Pilgrim was warming up an already eager crowd for the onslaught of The Plump DJs who followed. With an atmosphere fuelled by alcohol it wasn’t

Rice is nice DAMIEN RICE Toucan Club

ATHLETE/LONGVIEW Barfly Striking guitar efforts sprinkled with idle lyrics and a gorgeous harmony of sound between the band projected the brilliance of openers Longview. The wistful bunch addressed the then horseshoed crowd with renditions of the emotionally tortured Still and When You Sleep, both thrashed out in true relationship crisis style. The angelic blinking of a guitarist drowning in his sound; the gratification in a drummer’s rare vocal contributions and general rocking around the stage threw the spotlight on Longview’s distinctive energy and dynamic of the band as a whole.

Cultivated in an era of music when every band were desperate to either imitate or defy the style of Oasis, Athlete have worked hard at their individuality, bearing resemblance only to bands such as Beat Band or Super Furry Animals who also built themselves on a similar philosophy. The latest single, El Salvador opened the set and debuts Westside and You’ve Got The Style were fondly revisited by a now full bodied audience.

Beautiful pushed forward the charismatic vocals of Joel Potts, a gentle, inquiring lilt of a voice, raised slightly at the end of each lyric in verse as though seeking permission to carry through to a climax of chorus; strong vocal harmonies, unbridled guitar rifts and zealous drumming being traditional customised markers of the band’s style.

Keyboardist Tim Wanstall works hard at the back of the stage cutting drum and bass breaks into Athlete’s guitar driven anthems.

Having returned from University a

year ago, he slotted perfectly into a group formed 9 years previously, injecting creativity and pushing boundaries.

As Longview cushioned the wings of the stage nodding encouragingly as the headliners performed, a gracious rapport between them could not go unnoticed making the music industry seem a little less cutthroat than usual. It seems if you’re part of team Athlete, it really isn’t the winning that counts, but the taking part. Melanie Roberts

HAR MAR SUPERSTAR/JYLT Barfly Sparky, Welsh indie four piece with a petite, highly attractive front woman who are destined for great things - ever get a sense of deja vu? Jylt however seem to have that extra little something which could lift them above the rank and file of the indie hordes. Debut single Surrender, imminently released on Uglyman certainly does the business, correctly being far more Polly Harvey than a turgid Alanis rehash. With talent, potential and a sparkling new record deal, Jylt are certainly ones to watch just don’t call them the new Echobelly...

Har Mar Superstar could hardly be more different to Jylt. Despite great tunes like No Chorus and recent pant wetter Power Lunch it’s hard to get over the fact that on stage there is a large sweaty man prancing around in Y-fronts.

It’s hard to work out whether Har Mar himself is getting jiggy as a joke or if he does actually think he’s pretty fly for a white guy - but if Beck got away with it, why can’t he?

Finishing with a slightly overblown Stevie Wonder cover and the promise he’ll be out to join us later, I swiftly head for the door, deciding not to invest in one of Har Mar’s fetching pink thongs on offer at the merchandise stand.

Aurally appealing his music may be, but in the flesh (and there was plenty of it) it’s another matter. Perhaps more worringly given 10 years and plenty of pies - this could be Justin Timberlake...

Andy Parsons

Music

to the bar. Lisa proved herself by quietly asking if we’d like her to sing a Joni Mitchell song, which was met with a resounding “yes!”A little later, strings all restored, the still reverentially appreciative audience was reduced to giggling fits by the entirely unexpected rendition of no less than Kylie’s Can’t Get You Out Of My Head. Fantastic.

If I was more technologically minded, maybe I wouldn’t have been so surprised by the crazy amount of things he achieved with this one acoustic guitar and so many boxes. Some clever looping technique and some hitting of the guitar in the style of a drum ensured the occasional wall of sound that seemed to evolve from nowhere, but had been created right in front of you.

Most exciting and novel, although not quite as novel as the fact that his song Eskimo has a verse or so sung in Inuit, which, as far as I’m concerned, deserves an award in itself. The best moment though, is saved for last.

At the end of an encore demanded by as continuous and raucous applause as you can imagine, from nowhere came the unmistakable strains of Jeff Buckley’s version of Hallelujah. I’m sure it wasn’t just me who sat open-mouthed with joy, because what with Mr. Buckley having been regrettably run over by a boat five or so years ago, it’s not something I ever expected to see done that perfectly in the flesh.

The most accomplished and musically proficient thing I’ve seen since a small Radiohead industry gig about four years ago, Damien Rice, and Lisa, deserve every accolade anyone wants to give them, and I’m sure that fairly soon it won’t be just Ireland, where he’s already something of a star, that recognise that he is purest fried gold.

Abbi Shaw

live

I turned up to the Toucan Club on Tuesday night armed only with the understanding that I was going to see a man called Damien Rice, who sang and played guitar, and was often accompanied by a girl called Lisa who is,“beautiful – Irish – beautiful – effortlessbeautiful”. Fair enough.

Damien cuts a slight figure, looking just a bit fuzzy, fairly Irish, and mildly endearing. The audience fall silent as he prepares to sing, and as he slips into his first song, Delicate, you see that it’s because they just don’t want to miss anything of his peculiarly angelic voice. Mildly endearing turns into all-out attractive for this frontman with no need for a band.

Lisa drifts between microphone and chair, and I understood the point of terming her “effortless”. At some point during the second song, her singing became operatic in tone and projection, and all from this tiny figure.

The set continues, and unusually, and proving Rice’s solid grasp of how to write a great song, I remember every one, despite copious wine consumption....

Helped by his amusing inserts of the most unlikely and delightful covers into the mix. When, halfway through he proceeded to take off Radiohead’s Creep, it was practically hysterical, but that’s not to detract from the fact that he can do as good a Thom Yorke as, well actually, Thom Yorke. No mean feat.

Such was his enthusiasm for the song that he broke a string, and one of the signs of greatness is coping with such acts of nature without losing your audience

hard for the Plump DJs to work the crowd into dancing like crazed lunatics.

It has to be the magic of breakbeats and the sensability of the Plumps who can pull off Donna Summers I Feel Love in a breaks style that makes everyone act like this. Long may they continue.

Kathryn Archer

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rtreviews s

GRiP

Make love not war

States of whatever AN AWFUL STATE OF AFFAIRS Crwys Theatre Act One

LYSISTRATA: THE READING FOR PEACE

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W

ou didn’t really need to have any political knowledge to enjoy this immensely entertaining comedy.

First off, the storyline was enough to make anyone laugh.

Charles Lynton, the Labour Prime Minister and Margaret Robertson, a Conservative Foreign Secretary are conducting a more than professional rendezvous in her posh London home, when they are unexpectedly interrupted by two amateur robbing brothers, Frank and Flint Audley.

Hopes of a scot-free salvation for the adulterous lovers are dashed when Bernard Woolsey, Lynton’s Personal Assistant, ambushes the robbers with a

knife but breaks down in the fit of an asthma attack. A standoff and negotiations result in the payoff of something more than a few domestic appliances:that the two robbers should be allowed to create their own whole new country.

Somewhat similar to Animal Farm, the folly of politics was sharply exposed when the family try to decide what kind of political system they should adopt, whether it be anarchist, fascist, communist, democratic or whatever. Treason, vote rigging, political fraud, and the authoritarian nature of the US administration were just a few of the things given a lighthearted sideways glance. The script wasn’t always great but with great acting and a ludicrous nature, the play was a real easy watch and there were plenty of belly splitting laughs.

Pauline Cheung

O’Neill’s bar

hoever thought that Greek plays could be so funny? On hearing that there was a reading of Aristophanes’ Lysistrata on Monday night, as part of a worldwide peace movement against a war with Iraq, I resolved to go along, but wasn’t particularly enthralled by their choice of material. But here I was proved totally wrong.

Lysistrata is lewd, rude, crude – and extremely entertaining.

The evening was organized by Rachel Barnett, a third year English Literature student.

Having heard about the protest – which involved over a thousand readings of the play across sixty countries – she decided to coordinate one herself, with all ticket proceeds and donations going to support the charity War Child. Using people connected with the Sherman Theatre’s Unzipped night, which features young local talent, the cast of twelve was found. In just over a week, this rehearsed reading was put together.

Written in 312 BC, the play is credited as being the first pacifist and feminist piece of drama. It is set during the Peliponessian Wars, where the women of Greece are fed up with all the fighting, and led by the feisty Lysistrata, they vow not to sleep with their husbands until a peace treaty is signed. Even though it was in a sketchy form, the humour of the play came through clearly. Danielle Taylor as Lysistrata had a lovely voice, and was excellent throughout. The scene that had everyone in the audience in stitches was the little interplay between Myciene (Sarah Mills) and her husband (Tomos James). He is desperate to get his wife into bed, persuades her to break the vow of chastity, then watches in desperation as she tantalizes him before leaving him unsatisfied.

Having a play performed on the top floor of O’Neill’s was something a little different, but the setting was intimate and created a perfect tone for the evening. Congratulations must go to Rachel, her production team, and the cast for putting on such a good show in such a short space of time. It would be a shame for all this work to go to waste by not making it into a full production. I would definitely be there, and judging by their reactions that night, so would the rest of the audience. Helen Dorritt

Un Chien Pussies galore Andelou MY MOVEMENTS ARE ALONE LIKE STREET DOGS Chapter Arts Centre

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he sophisticated interior of the Chapter Arts Centre is initially quite intimidating. But once you see past the trendy Starbucks style cafe and the Pashmina wearing thirty-somethings, you start to wonder why you haven’t checked this place out before.

The atmosphere is one of excited apprehension. We get the feeling we are going to witness something fresh. The lights dimmed and the audience was confronted with a young female, the Argentinian dancer Valeria Garre. Her initial aura was one of cute vulnerability but this is shattered by an angry reading of ‘La Mauvaise Reputation’ (a poem by Georges Brassens).

This dark verse is juxtaposed with a juvenile sequence in which the dancer writhes around in yoghurt that she has spilt on the floor.

Her movements are aggressive, erotic, and are supposed to mirror that of the two dogs that sit motionless (one is asleep!) at the back of the stage.

John Fabre has choreographed the piece to reflect how the human is naked and alone, with a hidden mischievousness bubbling inside. Forty minutes in she delivers all by stripping down to a black satin bra and knickers. I notice the bloke front of me gives his mate a smirk and a middle aged man on the front row almost drops his hand-held camera...

The sequence then takes on a completely different mood.

The Pixies 1989 hit Debaser is turned up full volume and the dancer is standing startled like a rabbit in car headlights centre-stage.

Her actions are convulsive and robotic.

Fabre has created a piece that is much more than a dance, the mixture of erotic, inhuman dance moves with the melodic guitar sounds gives the piece genuine sex appeal.

Essentially it’s a shocking experience, leaving me unnerved and numb, the dance really did blur the boundary between woman and dog!

Claire Owen

THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES The Great Hall

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t takes some kind of guts to get up on stage and talk fearlessly about vaginas, masturbation and menstruation. But the cast of The Vagina Monologues did just that. And with inspiring style. Eve Ensler’s monologues are a fusion of diverse female voices in a hugely entertaining and, at times, very moving play. And this production brought its very best qualities to life.

From a highly entertaining discussion of what to do with your pubic hair, to a lecture on short skirts (note: they are not an invitation for sexual advances), the play forces both men and women to reassess their perception of the vagina. Feminist rant it is not, but an orgy of confused and amazed voices contemplating an intimate and taboo subject.

The Vulva Choir portrayed the responses of women to questions such as what your vagina would say if it could speak (“slow down!” or maybe “come inside!”).

The audience clearly delighted in the answers, reassured and somewhat comforted by them.

Though men were shifting uncomfortably in their seats at times, they were often laughing as much as the girls and sometimes harder.

The performers ambitiously added songs and a dialogue for men.

Whilst an interesting and clever addition to an already thoughtprovoking production, they did slightly lack the quality and pace of the original script.

The cast gave very

convincing and touching performances.

Elizabeth Morton was an excellent sexually troubled elderly woman and Hannah Shepherd was highly comical though exceptionally angry with “psycho products” and “nasty ideas” that undermine her “pussy”.

Yet the show was more than an exploration of modern conceptions of the vagina or a series of smutty jokes and excuses to say “hairy axe wound”. This production, whose profits will go to charities working against rape and domestic violence, poignantly brought to light the horrific conditions of women in Afghanistan living under the burqa and the truly dreadful experience of a Bosnian refugee raped by six soldiers for seven days.

Ensler’s fantastic play was brought ably to life by the talents of the cast in this professional event, particularly by a fantastic performance from Bella Kemble, who let rip discussing sexual moans. So I have no doubt that Ensler would be highly delighted by this production’s great success in giving vaginas a voice in Cardiff.

Charlotte Spratt

15

See You At the Crossroads CROSSROADS: MADVHI Chapter Arts Centre

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n case you were wondering this wasn’t an interpretive dance of Miss Spear’s film debut- Crossroads. It was however, a contemporary dance choreographed to a combination of afro- Asian and European music.

The performance attempted to illustrate the conflict of culture between the East and West. It told the story of

Seren an Indian girl who was brought up in Africa and later emigrated to the West. Her parents insisted upon an arranged marriage and she reaches a crossroads in her life- should she choose tradition or her heart? Sound clichéd? The performance attempts to take the audience through a journey in the life of a carefree soul, a free spirit and a playful heart.

Their innovative idea of confronting the culture clash in Britain was nearly achieved as it was a little ambitious to think that an elaborate love story could be narrated through the traditional

Following Madhvi’s highly innovative performance in Crossroads, Angela Singh had an opportunity to talk to her about dancing, pharmacy and Cardiff University.

The majority of the performance was based upon the traditional Indian dance Bharat Natyam. Can you explain what type of dancing this is?

It is a South Asian form of dancing, originating from South India and it is one of the oldest forms of dance with very traditional music mainly conatic music, with very specific costumes and jewellery.

East meets West theme which has been going on. I was in contact with Michael Parlett the saxophonist and he said it would be a good run and it is really.

problem is all the musicians live in London, so that’s a bit of a journey, but it’s all fine!

Is it based upon any personal experience?

Yes I am an Asian brought up in Africa and I moved to the West. It’s not my person but it is based upon emotional experiences that my friends may have been through, so it’s a bit similar to where I have come from.

So did you write it all?

Yes we wrote it all, all the music is all ours, as with the story and the narration. The musicians also all played live tonight.

Where did you meet all the other people who performed tonight?

I had to shop around a bit, went through a few others and lost a few along the way, and those four where the ones in the end.

Where did the African and European influences come from?

I used to live in Africa but now I live here and everything changes, all your friends change, the scene around you changes, the atmosphere changes. Even the language and the dress code changes.

I noticed that you have a degree in pharmacy. Those are two very different interests! How did you get into them?

They are very different. I am lucky because I locum and I teach dancing so it’s not too much of an effort. The only

dance. However, we appreciate that fans of this dancestyle will find this show enjoyable and entertaining.

This modern day classical dance illustrated the conflicting ideas of tradition and advantgarde; Afro, Asian and European; confusion and direction and first and foremost, identity.

The performance was aimed at the younger generation living in this multicultural country, who often finds themselves at these crossroads.

Angela Singh and Laura Shirley

I also noticed that you do Reiki…

I just do Reiki as a hobby and because I can help friends and family, I don’t practise it all the time but I just help people when I can.

Where has been your favourite place to perform?

In Goa. It is a very cultural place as it only has an academy of arts, crafts and dancing.

Which award has meant the most to you?

I think the one in Goa because there were a lot of other competitors there and I was the only out of India participant competing and I did really well.

And, finally did you find it difficult to move from the Africa to the West?

No I was ok, Cardiff is a very accepting place, and luckily I get to go back to Kenya quite often.

Arts

What inspired your performance for Crossroads?

Basically the

stage backdrop and together with Madhvi’s facial expressions, the storyline was apparent most of the time. For example, the use of silhouette to signify Seren has found her forbidden love with a saxophone player looked artistically original.

A man and women, who replicated Seren’s mother and father, narrated the story. The mother narrator was a particularly good actress and had the Indian accent down to a tee.

The only criticism that we had was the dance was very repetitive and bordering on boring to the uneducated in this style of

reviews

How did you get into dancing?

Well I have been dancing since I was quite young and my teacher who is in Kenya, used to teach me when I lived there and I have been dancing since then really. I graduated in 1993 so I have been teaching and performing since then.

Indian dance of Bharat Natyam.

Madhvi, the solo dancer choreographed the entire performance and she is clearly very talented. The performers were all dressed in traditional attire creating a feeling of a unification of cultures.

Perhaps the most riveting part of the performance was the accompanying musical quartet.

The fusion of Jazz and traditional Indian music was phenomenal. This was epitomised by the partnership between the saxophone and tabla player. They were obviously feeling the groove of "all that Jazz".

Images were projected onto the

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Booreviews ks

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16

The art of Zeek THE ART OF SHEN KU Zeek Souvenir Press

W

ell, where to start? To explain your reviewer’s difficulties, here are a few choice quotes from the sleeve - “The First Intergalactic Artform of the Entire Universe”, “Transcending The Ultimate Barriers of Space and Time” and the fantastic “Devastatingly Personally Applicable - In Perpetuity”. Expecting 300 pages of impenetrable spiritual ideals? How about topics such as “A Traveller’s Guide to Stain Removal”, “Asian Health Secrets of Foot Diagnosis” and “The Precious Set of Monk’s Isometrics II”?

Obviously fairly hard to sum up in a nutshell, then.

After a lengthy period of consideration, here’s a brief synopsis of what you’re actually getting: a collection of thousands of handy hints mainly geared towards (but not limited to) travellers. With a slant on Eastern philosophy. And nice pictures.

A sense of overwhelming weirdness pervades these seemingly straightforward hints, however. Little wonder, really, when you read up on the author, the curiously titled Zeek - the one-eyed only child of a high-ranking British military family, who shunned a life of tea and crumpets to travel the world on a battered sailing cutter at the tender age of 20 (despite insistences that he would be blind/dead within two years).

It’s a strange mix, that’s for sure. Aromatherapy

and acupressure advice nestle next to vermin control, whilst a guide to therapeutic stretching snuggles up beside “A Sailor’s Quick Guide to Windsurfing.”

The most universally useful sections are perhaps those on exercise and selfdefence, although anyone with an interest in either alternative therapies or planning a truly rough travelling experience will probably get a lot more out of the book.

Although someone should have perhaps pointed out to the publishers that travellers might not appreciate a weighty tome like this in their rucksacks.

Okay, some of the quotes mentioned here might sound a little absurd, but for the motivated reader there’s an awful lot of information to take in here. One might question the validity of some the hints on child rearing and alternative medicine (and the “Emergency Joke Supply” contains, without doubt, the most uniformly awful collection of gags in existence), but most items are generally interesting whether you ever find need for them or not.

Do you know how to distill water in the desert? How to remove a tick? How to avoid a shark attack? Or how about discouraging a mugger? Some of us do...

Gareth Lloyd

Do you know how to distill water in the desert?

How to remove a tick?

How to avoid shark attack?

How about discouraging a mugger?

17

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Let’s all up and go to cheerleader special school Violence against our own (in the form of beating TV “I’m a music Nazi” Alex to a pulp) and gleeful cheerleader-baiting abounds this week, so those of a sensitive nature should look away now. If, on the other hand you’re an intelligent person with a sense of humour, read on and enjoy the televisual spoils contained herein.

A stroke of luck, the like of which not seen since a certain GR journalist’s exgirlfriend rolled over, motioned to her a-hole and said “Go on, big boy, do me up the brown speedway”, means that Faking it USA (S4C, Monday 17 March, 12.10pm) this week is all about cheerleaders. Hurrah!

A Harvard graduate and self confessed geek has just one month to plumb the depths of humanity and attempt to become one of the blonde zombies. Quite why anyone would want to subject themselves to a month of

fluffy pom-pom waving, jockshagging and non-hairdryer usage is inexplicable, but that’s reality TV for you.

Let’s hope the poor girl comes out the other side unscathed and still able to use her brain. (Ass-saving note: We love the cheerleaders. Yes, we do.)

Despite the pantdampening presence of both Giles from Buffy and the delectable Nigel Havers, Manchild (BBC2, Tuesday 18 March, 10.30pm) has been consistently disappointing. Nick Fisher (who used to be teen girl magazine Just 17’s agony uncle - surely the pinnacle of anyone’s media career) writes some cracking lines, but as a whole, the series has been patchy and contrived - last week’s ode to London (“London is like a beautiful woman...”) being a case in point. Still, for all his faults, Mr Fisher’s been kind enough to give us girls a plethora of scenes in which

Anthony Stewart Head and Nigel Havers get their clothes off and flash us their surprisingly buffed middleaged bods. Yummy.

Actually, I think that sounds quite rank (spot the change in narrative voice there folks?). It’s time real issues are highlighted on this page: football. In Champions League Highlights (ITV, Wednesday 19 March,

Week 1 11pm), crunch games for both Arsenal and Newcastle ensure that today’s games are well worth a look. In terms of entertaining football you can’t beat Newcastle; come win, lose or draw it’s exciting stuff all the way.

Couple that with the second leg of Liverpool v Celtic (BBC1, Thursday 20 March, 8pm) it’s a footietastic week all round.

On to our token Serious

Issue, then, as even five gets all stony-faced (though not so much so as to follow linguistic rules or anything) on our asses with five news - war in iraq (five, Friday 21 March, 7.30pm). There’s been a lot of bullshit written by both sides, and this programme almost certainly won’t change that; it is, however, disturbing that many seem to have taken an automatic anti-war stance without really thinking about certain issues, especially regarding the fact that there is no other effective way of making Saddam Hussain stop killing his people. That’s not the motivation for the bloodthirsty Bush administration, but if the liberation of Iraq is a consequence, that could prove irrelevant.

Speaking of Yanks, it’s rather amusing to

see it as a land where even our pop star has-beens can be foisted with relative success. As, of course, in Reborn in the USA (ITV1, Saturday 22 March, 9pm), the latest essential Saturday night trash-fest, and thus the very essence of TV as we know it.

getting bummed in Hollyoaks look like the Teletubbies. I think its proper term is a bullyramming and that, along with the banjo duel with a blind inbred (a regular occurence in Dorset), means that Deliverance has some of the most memorable scenes in cinema history. And crossbow related deaths to boot. “Doze townies ‘ad it comin to ‘em” croaks a wizened Zummerset desk. Squeal like a pig!

This new BBC show Walking with Cavemen: First Ancestor (BBC1, Thursday 27 March, 8pm) claims that our Neanderthal ancestors lived nasty, brutish and short lives and died out thousands of years ago. TV Desk can exclusively reveal just how wrong they are. We have ample evidence to suggest that a horrific enclave of this presumed dead race are in fact lurking in the GR media penthouse. Yes, that’s right, Sports Desk walk among us, drooling, dribbling and bashing women over the head with large clubs and dragging them off to their stinking caves by their hair. Terrifying.

One woman they

wouldn’t be able to drag off would be The Other Boleyn Girl (S4C, Friday 28 March, 11.10pm). That’d be Mary Boleyn, sister of the more famous Anne, whose time as Henry VIII’s mistress came to an end only when her sister supplanted her in his fickle affections. Truth be told, it’s Anne that TV Alex loves: gorgeous in a glacial, elegant way, fluent in about a million languages and possessing six fingers (and just think what uses they could be put to!).

Great hair, too. And now we find that she’s been stealing her sister’s lovers! Anne Boleyn, we salute you. *hearts* A small point: Alex is insane.

No, really. And the mentally stable two thirds of TV Desk (that’d be me and Steve in case you were in any doubt) want to make clear that we do not in any way endorse this bizarre fancyage of long-dead adulteresses. Normal service will be resumed, and Alex will be carted off to the special school now. Thanks. (This petite rant, incidentally, comes from a woman who fancies Richard Madeley and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. At least Anne was gorgeous in her time - TV Alex.)

(Fuck off, nutbag - TV Amy.)

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Week 2 must make the scum of Manchester pay. Possibly something involving the Nevilles, a large salmon, and a tub of Vaseline. This all sounds a bit homoerotic, doesn’t it?

Never mind, we’ll just ignore that little slip and move on to a more serious subject: manlove. Anyone who thinks male rape is funny should watch Deliverance (five, Wednesday 26 March, 10pm). It makes that bloke

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Television

footballers what means more to them, playing for club or country? Given that footballers are quite diplomatic people I doubt any revelations will be bestowed upon us, not least because the interviewer is Alan Hansen, but it might be mildly entertaining. Maybe Fergie and Sven should armwrestle over the right to play Beckham for 90 minutes - now that I would watch. Oh, and if Fergie does show his alcoholic face and slag off Sven, we

pickings

Kicking off with the greatest party of them all (apart from TV Amy’s birthday bash next week, of course. She’ll be mega-elderly, but the party will make up for it): yes, it’s time for The 75th Annual Academy Awards (BBC1, Sunday 23 March, 12.50am).

Live today - but you can catch it with Jonathan Woss tomorrow if you don’t feel like staying up all night - it’s hard to pretend that it’s about cinematic quality (Titanic, for fuck’s sake). But it can’t be beaten for good ol’ fashioned glitz’n’glamour, and there are sure to be moments as fabulous as Björk’s swan dress or Cate Blanchett’s mere presence. Meanwhile, there are the fashion crimes to

amuse yourself with; J-Ho’s hair springs to mind from last year. Anyway, TV Desk would like to declare its support for the breath-takingly talented Julianne Moore, the bravura genius of Pedro Almodóvar, and the fiery passion of Salma Hayek, and its hope that Catherine Zeta-Jones falls into a ditch somewhere and ruins her dress.

The best of a poor lot today, then, is Church and Mosque - Religious Architecture in Venice and Istanbul (BBC2, Monday 24 March, 12.30am).

The programme is likely to be rather worthy and more than a tad dull, but in all seriousness the architecture of the cities in question is wondrous. Though it has to be said that Venice smells very unpleasant. Much like TV Alex. Moving, nay, wafting away from the subject of odour, my lazy gaze falls upon the football related documentary as way of respite from the endless stream of dirge beamed into my headspace. Club or Country?

(BBC1, Tuesday 25 March, 11.40pm) is all about asking

elevision

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gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Monday 17 March BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Cash in the Attic 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours I’m getting sick of all these mushy storylines. Nina, stop twatting about and just shag Jack. Taj looks like he’s had his face inflated. Bleurgh.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 X-Ray 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Colin Jackson: Close Up 11.05 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 11.40 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross: Oscars Preview 12.10 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Burn It 12.40 Body Hits 1.15 FILM: The Young and the Reckless: Jailbreakers 2.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 10.50 Look and Read 11.15 Watch 11.30 Coming to England 11.50 See You, See Me, See Castles 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 FILM: Kitty Foyle 3.15 Hall of Fame 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country Revisited 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Techno Games 2003 7.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 The Aristocracy: Letting in the Hoi Polloi: 1945-1979 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With Ron and Russell Mael from Sparks, “Aaah, brilliant!!” - Grip Ed Nick comes over all of a quiver at this news. Means nowt to me, but it must be good for Nick to get so excited.

9.30 Double Take Yeah yeah, very funny. But Saturday Night Armistice did it first.

10.00 Shooting Stars 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Devil's Words: The Battle for an English Bible 12.20 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 As Told

by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Tarrant on TV Clips on tonight's show include a porn star giving tips on packing.

Packing what though? Fudge?

Meat? Mystery abounds.

11.00 First Past the Post 11.30 The Premiership on Monday 12.30 Champions League Weekly 1.00 Football League Extra 1.40 Wish You Were Here...? 2.05 Today with Des and Mel 2.50 Antiques Trail 3.15 Entertainment Now! 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Cash in the Attic 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 A Life of Grime Documentary about my house.

9.30 Car Wars: Picking up the Pieces 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 75 Years of the Academy Awards: An Unofficial History 12.05 Boxing 2.00 Sign Zone 4.50 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Emperor's Gift 6.30 The Impressionist Surface 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.10 Let's Write a Story 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Megamaths 1.15 Watch 1.30 Hall of Fame 1.40 Living Famously 2.40 am.pm 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Techno Games 2003 7.30 Holidays in the Axis of Evil 8.00 Country Parish 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 The Mummies of Cladh Hallan: A Meet the Ancestors Special 9.50 Posh Nosh Not half as funny as it thinks it is, but boosted by the divine presence of Richard E. Grant.

He can beat my eggs any day.

Hoo mama! 10.00 Manchild 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Exclusive Brethren 12.10 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

V Graham Norton S4C 11.45pm

Shooting Stars BBC2 10pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.00 Pet Rescue 1.30 Time Team 2.30 Fifteen to One 3.00 Countdown 3.30 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol Porthgain 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 The Sopranos 11.40 V Graham Norton 12.10 Faking It USA 1.10 DNA: The Story of Life 2.10 Rush 4.00 Schools Hey, cheerleaders, thanks for sending your lovely representative up to see us. A couple of points to consider: 1.

The hairdryer comment was a joke, chill out and don’t take it so seriously. 2. We’re the TV editors, not you. If you don’t like what we write either come up here and do a better job or stick to waving pom-poms at fat jocks. Kidding! We love you!

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Nick's Quest 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: She Cried Murder 3.40 FILM: St Patrick: The Irish Legend 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 The Then and Now of Muhammad Ali 9.00 FILM: Striking Distance 11.00 The Honey Trap 11.35 Out There! 12.05 US PGA Golf: Honda Classic 12.55 NASCAR Busch Motor Racing 1.45 Monster Challenge: Boston Triathlon 2.15 2002 World Snowboarding Championship 3.00 Steve Redgrave Golden Five Golf 3.50 Boxing: Fight of the Week 4.40 Dutch Football: Zwolle v Ajax

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning: Battle of the Brides Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 The Foxbusters 4.00 Hey Arnold!

4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live: Deportivo La Coruna v Manchester United 9.50 A Night Out with the Girls Oh god. ITV follows a group of women as they drink themselves into a vomitspattered World of Pain. Should be essential, if horrifically embarrassing, viewing. Expect scenes of 55 year olds with corn-coloured legs trying to pull 17 year olds and failing miserably. 10.50 ITV News at Ten 11.20 Champions League 12.25 FILM: Michael Collins 2.35 Champions League: Deportivo La Coruna v Manchester United 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Salvage Squad 2.15 Fifteen to One 2.45 Countdown 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio 9.00 Relocation, Relocation Yuppies with puppies and too much money twat around in the countryside taking all the best houses away from good, honest, hardworking country folk and leave them shut up save for a few weekends a year, thus driving house prices up in the area and forcing first time buyers to look elsewhere. Fuck off! Ahem. Sorry about that.

10.00 Iechyd Da 10.45 The West Wing 11.45 V Graham Norton 12.15 NYPD Blue 1.10 The Comedy Lab 1.40 FILM: Night Falls on Manhattan 4.00 Schools Happy birthday to meeee! 22 today. Please come and ply me with booze so I can blot out the horrible realization that my best years have passed me by. *sob*

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Nick's Quest 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Larry 3.40 FILM: Magnum: Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii Fine advice from the bemoustachioed one. Take heed kidz, snow kills. 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 Crime and Punishment: People vs Scott/Smith 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.50 Boomtown 10.45 Family Killers 11.40 God Almighty 12.10 Kick Boxing: Now is the Time 1.00 Boxing: Fight of the Week 1.50 2003 Winter X Games 3.30 Argentinian Football 4.20 Argentinian Football: River Plate v Chacarita I’m not allowed to mention TV A*** or Sports R**** for fear of harming their election chances.

Cock. Looks like I’ll have to abuse the cheerleaders, then.

Eeeexcellent.

Tuesday 18 March

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gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

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Wednesday 19 March BBC2

ITV1

9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Through the Keyhole 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 X-periMENTAL 4.35 Fairly Odd Parents 5.00 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Steve Leonard's Ultimate Killers 7.55 The National Lottery 8.00 UK's Worst... Toilet?

8.30 The Food Police This week the squad investigate why cheerleaders are so lardy. They come to the alarming conclusion that that quaffing jock cum is to blame (except News Desk’s Rhiannon, we like her). If you want a fight you know where we are.....

9.00 Mandela: The Living Legend 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 They Think It's All Over 11.35 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 12.10 Boxing: Class of 2002 1.45 Rail Cops 2.25 Panorama

6.00 The Challenge 6.30 The Emergence of Greek Mathematics 7.00 Taz-Mania 7.20 Dennis the Menace 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 The Genie from Down Under 8.25 Evolution: The Animated Series 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Rubbadubbers 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Pingu 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 am.pm 1.00 Lifeline 1.10 Looking Good Tricks 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: Beyond a Reasonable Doubt 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country Revisited 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Techno Games 2003 7.30 Work till You Drop 8.00 HomeFront 9.00 This Little Life 10.20 E-Mails You Wish You Hadn't 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Running Scared 12.20 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 Something in the Air 1.00 Reinventing the City 1.50 Ever Wondered? 2.00 Fast Tracks Science and Engineering 4.00 Germany Inside Out 4 and 5

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning: Battle of the Brides Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill Reg knows that Sergeant Boyden has had sexual relations with an underage girl. Those celebrities hey? You have to earn the right to be a paedo. Write a rock opera or something, Boyden.

9.00 At Home with the Braithwaites 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner 11.00 Champions League Newcastle v Barcelona and Valencia v Arsenal.

12.05 Redcoats 12.35 Nash Bridges 1.20 Champions League 3.00 World Sport 3.25 Football League Extra Nightscreen

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Cash in the Attic 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 EastEnders Vicki makes a discovery when she investigates the Fowler family tree. Her real father is a big-nosed scouser called Robbie. Gutted.

8.00 Match of the Day: Liverpool v Celtic. “I remember the last time these two met.

Macca scored a fantastic goal, great match” - Nostalgia Desk.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 This Week 12.55 FILM: The Prime of Miss Jean

7.45 SMart on the Road 8.00 The Genie from Down Under 8.25 Evolution: The Animated Series 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Andy Pandy 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Maths Challenge 10.50 Bobinogs 11.05 Made in Wales 11.20 Revisewise Shorts 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 FILM: None but the Lonely Heart 2.50 Country Parish 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Techno Games 7.30 Remember 8.00 The Nation's Favourite Food 8.30 How to Be a Gardener 9.00 Horizon 9.50 Trouble at the Top: Robocop's Revenge 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Paxman.11.20 London 12.20 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 Leg before Cricket 12.55 The Next Big Thing 1.30 A Winter Sleep 2.00 Cybersouls 2.30 Oceanography

The Club ITV1 10.30pm

The Bill ITV1 8pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Jara 9.00 04 Wal 9.30 Taro 9 10.00 Brookside 11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 This Model Life 1.00 Monkey 1.55 Tour of Langkawi 2.25 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup Dear readers, TV Desk is about having a laugh, not upsetting people. Anything we say should be taken with a pinch of salt (and a shot of tequila preferably). What is out of order is abusing members of GR staff over somthing any normal person would realise as a joke.

To the bitch queen “cheerleader” who confronted...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 Nick's Quest 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Skyway to Death 3.40 FILM: Columbo: By Dawn's Early Light 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 Dream Machine 8.30 Fifth Gear: The Ultimate Menace 9.00 FILM: Black Rain of 11.30 Model Soldier 12.30 La Femme Nikita 1.15 Freestyle Skiing 1.40 NHL Ice Hockey: Colorado Avalanche v San Jose...Alex and Amy, I wrote the comment in question (TV Steve here) and if you have anthing to say to me come up to the office on Monday at 5pm.

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning: Battle of the Brides Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Prized Possessions 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 Digimon 4.10 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill DI Nixon discovers that Sergeant Boyden has slept with her 15-year-old daughter. Christ on motor bike!

9.00 Maggie: The First Lady: Just fuck off die old hag.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Club With bar managers Dean Gaffney, Sam Fox and Richard Blackwood.

What happened to your ‘rap’ career Richard? I thought you were set to become the British Will Smith, *snigger*...

11.30 Creative Road 12.00 Night and Day 1.00 Now and Again 1.45 Gangs of New York: British Premiere 2.10 CD:UK Hotshots 2.35 Cybernet 3.05 Trisha

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Made for Each Other 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Gogwana 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid: 30 Rhywbeth 10.00 Aircrash 11.05 Bang! Bang! Bangkok!

Cock, Cock, Ladyboys!

11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 Osama and Us I reckon I know where Osama is. He’ll be down back the back of Bush’s sofa. Thats where I always lose things. My sofa not George’s.

1.05 20 Things to Do before You're 30 No. 25. Be abused by a rotund cheerleader who (thank you god of irony) claims that “cheerleaders don’t even own hairdryers”. And thus inadvertently coining GR’s new phrase: “Fuck off to cheerleader special school” 1.35 Tour of Langkawi 2003 2.05 FILM: Kagemusha Actually I’m sure most of the cheerleaders are very nice, but one of your number has made an arse of...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Down Under: With Nick Baker 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Saddle Tramp 3.40 FILM: Cosmic Shock 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 FILM: Fools Rush In With 10.10 FILM: Gunmen 12.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.45 Dutch Football: Vitesse Arnhem v PSV Eindhoven 2.15 Argentinian Football: San Lorenzo v Boca Juniors 3.45 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.30 Five Football Replay: Celtic v Rangers herself and must pay the consequences. All references to cheerleaders are only aimed this person, apologies to the rest of you. On a lighter note a few websites to check out: www.the onion.com, www.mchawking.com, www.thatbebristle.co.uk.

Thursday 20 March

Television

BBC1

elevision

GRiP

20

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Friday 21 March BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.15 Kilroy 10.15 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Cash in the Attic 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Mona the Vampire 3.55 Chucklevision 4.10 The Scooby Doo Show 4.35 Kerching!

5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Dee is hiding something from Toadie. Fnarr!

Especially if you think about where one can hide things...

6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 6.55 Party Conference Broadcast by Welsh Liberal Democrats 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 My Family 9.00 Lenny Henry in Pieces If only. 9.30 The Jasper Carrott Trial Guilty of crimes against humour. It’s the electric chair for you... 10.00 News 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.25 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Liquid Assets: Bowie's Millions 12.25 FILM: This Boy's Life “Leonardo DiCaprio in vulnerable mode”.Music Desk swoons over twelve-year-old minger. “Especially the gay kissing scene!” 2.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Census 6.30 Bloodlines: A Family Legacy 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.00 Working Lunch 1.05 FILM: The Whole Wide World 2.50 Country Parish 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Techno Games 2003 7.30 Clarissa and the Countryman 8.00 The Flying Gardener 8.30 The Plantsman 9.00 Secrets of Leadership: John F Kennedy An iconic wife, regular sex with Marilyn Monroe and staring down Khrushchev all helped. I’d shag JFK, no problems. (Obviously not now he’s dead. But then oooh, yes.)

9.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.00 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Party Conference Broadcast

by Plaid Cymru - The Party of Wales 11.40 Taken 1.05 FILM: Seconds 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: ReviseWise at Home: KS2 Parents and Children English Four lines to fill.

Excellent, that’s one down.

Hmm. TV Desk: adept at spacefilling. There!

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning: Battle of the Brides Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Making It 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.05 How II 4.30 Sir Gadabout 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 News 6.25 Party Conference Broadcast by Welsh Liberal Democrats 6.30 News 7.00 Emmerdale Viv is glad to see the back of Jean. Steph discovers her holy grail. Double fnarr!

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Midsomer Murders 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.00 Savage Planet: Star Wounds 11.35 Screen Gems 12.05 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix Qualifying 1.20 Dial-a-Date 1.45 CD:UK Hotshots 2.15 Entertainment Now! 2.40 Veronica's Closet 3.30 Today with Des and Mel 4.20 World Football 4.45 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 CBeebies 6.40 CBBC 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 News 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 2.00 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: Wales v Ireland 4.00 Six Nations Championship: England v Scotland 4.40 As BBC1 5.15 Six Nations Championship: England v Scotland Well, the above listings have me all confused. TV Desk would like to decline all responsibility for the hash the BBC have made of them. 6.00 Final Score 6.15 News 6.30 Wales Today 6.35 Natalie Cassidy Goes Wild in Australia She faces crocodiles, kangaroos, koalas and a cassowary - Australia's second largest bird which can be deadly if provoked. We’re sure that Sonia will be more than a match for all of them though, she can just bellow at them if needs be.

7.35 The National Lottery 8.10 Casualty 9.00 Test the Nation 10.25 News 10.50 Test the Nation 12.00 FILM: The Dogs of War 1.55 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2.45 Top of the Pops 3.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 Saturday Kitchen 10.30 Conference 2003 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 Animal Park 1.00 See Hear 1.45 Full Circle with Michael Palin 2.35 Watching the Detectives: Cagney and Lacey 3.10 Watching the Detectives: Perry Mason 4.45 Flog It! 5.45 Watching the Detectives: Monk 7.00 Secret Lives of the Artists: Constable in Love 8.00 Designing the Decades 9.00 Taken 10.25 FILM: When Brendan Met Trudy 11.55 Live Floor Show 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages: European Identity/Working with the Germans 3.00 Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision 5.00 Skillswise: The Guide Debate rages in the office as to who is more worthy of the status of lust object: Anne Boleyn (dead, headless, sixfingered - that last trait is a definite plus, come to think of it) or Pudsey Bear (a teddy bear, possibly underage, blind in one eye - you don’t want to think about why too much). The choice, dear readers, is yours.

FILM: Bitter Moon S4C 12.30pm

Secrets of Leadership BBC2 9pm

S4C

five

6.10 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Doncaster and Newbury 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Jara 7.00 Popcorn 7 7.25 Darllediad Cynadleddol: Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Igamogi 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De 9.35 ER 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.10 Boys and Girls Friday 11.40 Party Conference Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats 11.45 Derren Brown: Mind Control Night 12.15 Eurotrash 12.45 Proper Bo Selecta! 1.15 FILM: Thursday Not the most appropriate day for this film, then. 2.45 Tour of Langkawi 2003 3.15 Skiing on 4: Ski Jumping World Cup Skiing is not actually that bad, though TV Desk prefers downhill skiing (fnarr!). And Janica Kostelic has utterly fantastic pigtails.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Down Under - with Nick Baker 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Apache Drums 3.50 FILM: Blue River 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with...

Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq They’ve even de-capitalised ‘Iraq’! Bomb five! Now! 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday Home 9.00 FILM: Fallen The blurb sounded good, and it had famous people in it but it’s been deleted, so... *shrug* 11.30 FILM: Allyson Is Watching Beware of all women who can’t even spell their own names right. 1.20 FILM: Purple Hearts 3.10 Xena: Warrior Princess 3.55 The Love Boat 4.40 Monsters 5.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Planet's Funniest Animals Sports Desk.

1.00 News 1.10 On the Ball 2.00 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix Qualifying 3.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 4.30 The Goal Rush 5.05 News 5.30 Blind Date 6.30 You've Been Framed!

7.00 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.00 Reborn in the USA Annoyingly, none of TV Desk have seen this. “Apparently Sonia looks like a pumpkin stuck on a lollipop, though”, offers TV Amy. 10.10 ITV Weekend 10.30 The Premiership 12.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 12.30 The Club 1.30 Nash Bridges 2.15 CD:UK 3.05 Dial-a-Date 3.30 Entertainment Now! 3.55 Get Stuffed 4.05 The Premiership 5.30 ITV Early Morning News *Sulk* The fucking Foo fucking Fighters, quite possibly the worst band in the history of the universe, led by the supremely cuntish HorseFace Grohl, have been put on the stereo in place of the utterly fabulous Moldy Peaches. TV Steve, Sports Desk, TV Amy and News Desk are all declared to be bereft of taste. They should all go and join the cheerleading school.

6.10 The Hoobs 7.00 Skiing on 4: Snowboarding and Freestyle World Cup 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Vee-TV 10.25 Dirty Laundry 10.55 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 11.45 Postmodern Pastimes 12.00 Cynhadledd Wanwyn y Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol 1.00 River Cottage Forever 1.30 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Chwe Gwlad 2003: Cymru v Iwerddon 4.00 Britain BC 5.05 FILM: Little Women 7.15 Newyddion 7.30 Tipyn O Stad 8.00 Nia Talk show hosted by Nia Roberts. With guests animator Naomi Jones, poet and scholar Professor Gwyn Thomas, composer and conductor Dr Terry James, and the vocal quartet Baroc. Watch this and improve your mind.

Possibly. Then again, they all appear to be Welsh.

9.00 Boys and Girls 10.00 FILM: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels “Mockney shite. Very dated” - TV Amy. “Worth seeing just for the guy from Spatz in an afro” - Music Desk. 12.00 The Salon 12.30 FILM: Bitter Moon Apparently Hugh Grant plays a psycho type in this -YUM. “A pervert’s dream”- Music Desk. 3.00 KOTV 3.30 Classroom Cops

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.25 Roobarb 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.30 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Beast Wars 11.00 The Adventures of Sinbad 11.55 The Tribe 12.55 Popular 1.50 Harry and Cosh 2.15 Daria 2.45 The Smash Hits Chart 3.15 Home and Away 5.25 FILM: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III “Classic, but not as good as the cartoon” - TV Amy. “They should have stopped the franchise at two. Or even one” - Music Desk.

7.00 Charmed 7.55 Dark Angel 8.45 five news 9.00 CSI: Miami 9.55 Law and Order 10.55 FILM: Woman Undone TV Amy after one vodka shot.

Or even less. 12.35 FILM: The Emigrants Well, it seems that five have been fooling us with their outward veneer of football and fucking - here, their true intellectual colours are revealed once and for all with “an adaptation of Vilhelm Moberg's novels, chronicling the hardships that led Swedish peasants in the mid-19th century to leave their homeland in search of better times in America.” 3.10 Monsters 3.35 Melrose Place 4.20 First Wave 5.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters

Saturday 22 March

21

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Sunday 23 March BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show But heaven is a place on earth! You can’t differentiate them like that.

11.00 TV Mail Yeah, kids. Get emailing. We get bored easily and need some excitement in our lives. 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 1.00 Wallace and Gromit's Cracking Contraptions 1.05 FILM: Harriet the Spy 2.40 EastEnders 4.35 Songs of Praise 5.10 News 5.35 My Family 6.05 My Dad's the Prime Minister Any comedy with that title just has to be awful. On a not-entirely unrelated note, though: Euan Blair, fwooooaaaaar.

6.35 Antiques Roadshow 7.20 Fawlty Towers 8.00 Down to Earth Matt's attempts to sell his first bean crop to the supermarket are sabotaged when Fenner objects to Frankie's plans to set up a farmer's market. It’s for real, kids.

9.00 Clocking Off 10.00 News 10.15 Panorama: Blair's War 10.55 FILM: Rocky “It’s no Raging Bull” - Music Desk. “Uh, no. Sorry” - TV Amy is out of wit. Sports Desk like this film, which sort of says it all, really.

12.50 The 75th Annual Academy Awards 5.05 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 CBBC: Arthur 7.15 Looney Tunes 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.00 Smile 10.35 CBBC: Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 11.00 Ed Stone Is Dead 11.25 FILM: To Kill a Mockingbird 1.30 Six Nations Grandstand 1.35 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: Italy v France 3.50 Swimming Muchos sport, unfortunately, with only swimming providing ogle-worthy opportunities. With any luck, Russians will win lots and lots of things, because Russians rock.

5.15 Nick Baker's Rhinos 5.45 Congo: On Location 5.55 Natural World: Walking with Lions 6.45 Scrum V 7.30 Richard Gere: Celebrity Buddhist If I slag this off, will I just get bad karma as opposed to threatening letters from Christian nuts? Well, karma is bullshit and fate a fallacy. And Richard Gere is a complete irrelevance. 8.00 Life of the Buddha 9.00 SAS Jungle: Are You Tough Enough? Surely “are you mad enough?” 10.00 24 A second series was such an appallingly ill-conceived idea.

When will TV producers learn to leave a good thing well alone?

10.45 Come Clean Vital advice for you all, boys.

10.50 Correspondent: America's School Kid Soldiers 11.35 The X Files 1.00 Double Take

6.00 GMTV 6.45 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix Live 9.10 GMTV 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Diocese of Truro 12.30 Waterfront 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 1.55 News 2.00 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix 4.15 Carry On Laughing 4.45 Carol Vorderman's Better Homes 5.15 News 5.30 Coast to Coast Mike Parker takes the pilgrim route to Bardsey Island on a very choppy sea. The best euphemism TV Desk has heard in a long time; a fnarr for you!

6.00 Wish You Were Here...?

Inspired by the Oscar ceremony, Ruth travels to LA where she tries to get herself onto a red carpet at a film premiere. And presumably makes a complete tit of herself.

6.30 News 7.00 Barbara 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 William and Mary William is head over heels in love with Mary but he doesn't dare tell her what he does for a living. Well... having never watched this, we can but guess at the possibilities. Serial killer?

Child prostitute procurer?

Television critic? 10.05 Hardware 10.35 News 10.50 Real Crime: Justice for My Daughter 11.50 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix 12.50 Crossroads Omnibus 2.55 Trisha 3.45 World Sport 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Through the Keyhole 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Darcy decides to use Dee's secret for his own ends. Fnarr!

6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 6.55 Come Clean 7.00 Diet Trials Jeni is desperate for real bread. And TV Desk can give it to her, being of course a shining beacon of generosity and community spirit. In a world where Geri Halliwell can sing, Sports Desk are mature and TV Amy has decent music taste.

7.30 Real Story 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 10.00 News 10.35 The Oscars with Jonathan Ross 12.30 Come Clean

6.00 Open University: An English Accent 6.30 Open Advice 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Aiming for Excellence 1.30 FILM: God's Little Acre 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA With “World Wrestling Entertainment stars”!

Oh my days! Has the potential to be almost as amusing as the one with Page Three girls. 6.00 Techno Games 2003 6.45 FAW Premier Cup: Newport County v Cardiff City 9.00 Anglian Lives: Alan Partridge 9.30 Double Take 10.00 Shooting Stars 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Buddhists of Suburbia 12.10 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Church and Mosque Religious Architecture in Venice and Istanbul 1.00 The Lyonnais: A Changing Economy 1.50 Ever Wondered? 2.00 Secondary Schools: Science 4.00 Languages: Working with the French/Working with the Germans 5.00 Skillswise: New Ways of Learning

Hollyoaks S4C 6pm

S4C

five

6.00 The Hoobs 6.50 Blue's Clues 7.15 Investigators 7.35 Totally Spies! 8.05 City Guys 8.30 Futurama 8.55 Futurama 9.25 Wannabes 9.50 Hotshots 10.20 Dirty Laundry Dr Fox’s boxers, as proudly displayed in the last issue of GR, which are still hanging on the Sports Desk board. Very unhygienic. 10.50 Dawson's Creek 11.40 Stargate SG-1 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Turning it Around 1.55 The Salon 2.55 A Place in France 3.25 Maniffesto 4.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Welsh in a Week 9.00 Iechyd Da9.50 Newyddion 10.05 The Spencers: Diana's Dynasty Sloane vapidity ahoy. Just because someone proclaims themself the princess of people’s hearts doesn’t mean that they are. 11.05 Cathouse 12.20 The Real John Curry 1.20 FILM: Lucky Jim 2.55 Edge of the Universe 3.50 Married Love An oxymoron, surely? Oh, it’s too easy.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 The Jesus Effect: Christianity's Cultural Impact Lots of religion-infected lunatics with an aversion to humour. 6.50 Naomi Meets Hi5 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Babar 9.30 George Shrinks 10.00 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 Revelations 12.05 Rooted 12.35 The Smash Hits Chart 1.10 five news update 1.15 FILM: Whiskers 2.50 Great Artists 3.20 FILM: Deadly Invasion: the Killer Bee Nightmare Flashback scenes of the mutant bee invasion last year. Those were the days. 4.55 Dream Holiday Home 5.25 Dream Machine 5.55 Fifth Gear: The Ultimate Menace Snoozers or Boozers 6.30 five news and sport 6.40 FILM: Baby's Day Out 8.30 Swag 9.00 FILM: A Perfect World 11.45 World's Wildest Police Videos 12.45 NHL Ice Hockey: Chicago Blackhawks v Pittsburgh Penguins 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 News 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads Angel warns Joe not to pursue his interest in Cleo. And when angels speak, you listen. 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote A family are told that their child is unfit to fly as he has chicken pox. All children are unfit to fly, because they are all horrible little shits who should be shot at birth. 10.00 News at Ten 10.30 Tarrant on TV Including a look at what Australian couples think about while having sex. Ugh. Hopefully not other Australian couples. 11.00 First Past the Post 11.30 The Premiership on Monday 12.30 Champions League Weekly 1.00 Football League Extra 1.40 Wish You Were Here...? 2.05 Today with Des and Mel 2.55 Antiques Trail 3.20 Entertainment Now! 3.45 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Ysgolion/ Schools 12.00 News 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks When Max catches up with Tony, his fists do the talking. Fnarr! All fisting references are gratefully received by TV Desk. As it were. 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 Ugh. Have just found a pot of garlic and herb dip behind the computer, which is lord knows how old. Sports Desk appear to be having fun with it, though. 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 The Sopranos 11.45 V Graham Norton 12.15 Faking It USA Ooh, apparently this is rather good. Definitely sounds worthy of investigation, at any rate. Jesus, what was that? A complimentary moment from TV Desk? I promise it won’t happen again. 1.15 DNA 2.15 Crazy for Love 4.00 Schools In response to the letter defending last week’s bigot: we’re smart-arse cocksuckers, eh? Well, TV Desk has no problem with that definition, and would be prepared to bet a fair amount that it is smarter than thou.

Twat.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Down Under - with Nick Baker 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Double Edge 3.55 FILM: The Stepford Husbands 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 The Real James Bond's Gadgets Ooh, I’d love to play with James Bond’s gadgets. Bet they’re big. 9.00 Who Killed Julius Caesar?

Meeeeee.10.00 FILM: The Getaway 12.25 US PGA Golf: Bay Hill Invitational 1.15 NASCAR Busch Motor Racing 2.05 Motorsport Mundial 2.30 2003 Winter X Games Does anyone know what these actually are? Is it ‘X Games’ as in ‘XXX Games’? Will it feature nekkid ice skaters? Downhill skiers? One can only hope. 4.30 Dutch Football: Vitesse Arnhem v PSV Eindhoven To wrap up this week, TV Desk urges you all to buy the wonderful new Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy album. Now!

Monday 24 March

Television

BBC1

Don’t Blame the Koalas five 11am

elevision

GRiP

22

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Tuesday 25 March BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 A Life of Grime 9.30 Car Wars 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Dope 11.35 Belonging 11.40 Football: Club or Country? Alan Hansen talks to top footballers about what takes priority for them: club or international football.

12.30 Match of the Day 1.15 Watchdog 1.45 As BBC1 2.30 Secrets of Leadership 3.20 Horizon 4.10 Sign Zone: How to Be a Gardener 4.40 Joins BBC News

6.00 Open University: Wembley Stadium: Venue of Legends 6.30 Berthe Morisot 7.00 CBBC: Taz-Mania 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 SMart on the Road 8.00 The Genie from Down Under 8.25 Evolution: The Animated Series 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Little Robots 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Starship 11.10 Let's Write a Story 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Megamaths 1.15 Watch 1.30 Afoot Again in the Past 1.40 Living Famously 2.40 am.pm 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Techno Games 2003 7.30 University Challenge 8.00 Country Parish Series 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Living the Dream 9.50 Posh Nosh Spoof 10.00 Manchild 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Ways to Leave Your Lover 12.10 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 The Rucellai Madonna 1.00 England's Green and Pleasant Land 1.30 Open Advice - Study to Succeed KS4 Curriculum Bites

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Foxbusters 4.00 Hey Arnold! 4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Police, Camera, Action!

8.00 It Shouldn't Happen to a TV Actor 9.00 Holidays from Hell 2003 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Survival Special: Year of the Chimpanzee 11.30 FILM: The Color of Money Wicked! Why haven’t there been more pub sport based films? How about a drama about darts starring Johnny Vegas as a drunkard ex-pro with John Simm as his upstart protege. Get me Gus Van Sant, I’ve got an idea...

1.45 Trisha 2.55 World Sport 3.20 Football League Extra 4.00 World Football 4.25 ITV Nightscreen Fuck. Just been informed by Sports Desk there is a film coming out with Ralf Little as a darts pro. Damn. Put that career on hold then.

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 X-periMENTAL 4.35 Fairly Odd Parents 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 A Question of Sport 8.00 UK's Worst...Hair Disasters?

8.30 The Food Police 9.00 Crimewatch UK 9.55 The National Lottery 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Belonging .

11.05 Come Clean 11.10 Crimewatch UK 11.20 Omnibus: Art Deco 12.20 FILM: Facing the Enemy 1.50 Come Clean 2.00 As BBC1 2.05 Panorama 2.40 The Food Police

6.00 Open University: The Challenge 6.30 Citizens of the World 7.00 Taz-Mania 7.20 Dennis the Menace 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 The Genie from Down Under 8.25 The Animated Series 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Rubbadubbers 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Pingu 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 am.pm 1.00 Stefan's Ultimate Gardens 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: The Company She Keeps 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Techno Games 2003 7.30 The War for Oil 8.00 Home Front 9.00 Rehab 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Rehab 11.50 Correspondent 12.30 In the Nick of Time 1.00 Reflecting on Conics 1.30 Who Belongs to Glasgow?

2.00 Short Circuit 4.00 Make French Your Business

UK’s Worst...Hair Disasters?

BBC1 8pm

The West Wing S4C 10.45pm

S4C

five

6.00 The Hoobs 6.25 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio Holiday 9.00 Selling Houses 10.00 Iechyd Da 10.45 The West Wing The president is faced with a difficult decision when a US spy submarine suddenly goes quiet in the hostile waters of North Korea. According to Music Desk US advertisers are pulling ads from The West Wing due to its anti-war storyline. But then this is the country that has renamed the French fry as the ‘freedom fry’due to retarded xenophobia.

11.45 V Graham Norton 12.15 NYPD Blue 1.10 FILM: Your Friends and Neighbours

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Down Under - with Nick Baker 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Shattered Hearts 3.55 FILM: A Touch of Hope 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 Dambusters: Revealed 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Boomtown 10.50 Crime and Punishment 11.50 Dumber and Dumber 12.20 Kick Boxing: Now is the Time 1.15 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.05 Indy Racing League 2.55 2003 Winter X Games 3.40 Argentinian Football 4.30 Argentinian Football

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 3.55 Jungle Run 4.25 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation 8.00 The Bill DI Nixon's life goes pear-shaped. Cor blimey guv.

9.00 At Home with the Braithwaites 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 11.00 FILM: A Fish Called Wanda 1.00 Redcoats 1.25 Today with Des and Mel 2.15 Film To Be Announced 3.55 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News HTV West. GR quotes this week: “I’m not sure if I fancy fisting” - Gay Desk. “My body is temple, albeit a fat one” - Riath (Sport). “I would use that for wank material” - Anonymous member of TV.

6.00 The Hoobs 6.25 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 2.15 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks Norman sinks to new depths just to survive.

Something about that pun doesn’t quite work does it?

6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Jara 9.00 04 Wal 9.30 Taro 9 10.00 Brookside Ruth has to face up to the truth about Dan. Jacqui receives more salary demands from Rachel. The police confirm Alan Gordon's death. Mike gets some unexpected news from Rachel.

Liverpool is destroyed in nuclear holocaust. Cockroaches now rule the city. Rather than just the Wirral.

11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 This Model Life 1.00 Monkey Monkey!! Monkey!!1.55 The Comedy Lab 2.25 Tour of Langkawi 2003 2.55 FILM: The Monster that Challenged the World “I am the master of asslove!”- News Desk.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Down Under - with Nick Baker 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Short Walk to Daylight 3.40 FILM: Columbo: Swan Song 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news 8.00 Dream Machine 8.30 Fifth Gear 9.00 Massacre at Waterloo 10.00 FILM: Deliverance Burt Reynolds tangles with some inbred hillbillies who like the man-love. And pig-love too.

Excellent crossbow scenes.

12.15 La Femme Nikita 1.05 Golf: Jebel Ali Challenge 1.55 NHL Ice Hockey: New York Rangers v Pittsburgh Penguins 5.35 Fastrax TV Desk rant corner: I thought the current union security contract wasn’t being renewed after several beatings last year, yet the same monkeys are on the door, being arrogant pricks to all. Sort it out someone!

Wednesday 26 March

23

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Thursday 27 March BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Intellectual discussion abounds in the GR office. Today: which Scully is best? “Michelle. She’s got a little bit of mystery about her. And she looks like she’d be a goer” - TV Steve. “Steph.

She’s an experienced older woman” - Sports Dan. “Steph as well. She used to be a leatherwearing wrestler, you know” Sports Dave reveals his scary side. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Walking with Cavemen: First Ancestors 8.30 New Tricks 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 This Week 12.25 FILM: The Absolute Truth 1.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Moscow - a City in Transition 6.30 The World Network 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Trade Secrets 1.10 FILM: I Remember Mama 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Techno Games 2003 7.30 Remember Wales 8.00 The Nation's Favourite Food 8.30 How to Be a Gardener 9.00 Horizon 9.50 The Death of Equitable Life 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Mae West: In Her Own Words 12.10 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 The Learning Zone: Open Science: Building on Success 12.55 The Next Big Thing 1.30 Seal Secrets 2.00 Attack on the Wires 2.30 Unearthing the Woodwide Web 3.00 Life on a Thread 3.30 Curriculum Development: The Contenders 5: BBC 4.00 Languages: Make German Your Business Part 1 5.00 Skillswise: Good Practice

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Prized Possessions 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.50 Digimon 4.10 Bounty Hamster 4.25 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Maggie: The First Lady: The Bitter End 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Club Reps ITV really have a thing for drunken pikeys, don’t they?

Anyone ever been on an 18-30s holiday? E-mail us at gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.co m and let us know the full STIfilled, Smirnoff Ice-soaked horror of it.

11.00 The Club 12.00 Barry Welsh Stays Up for St David 12.30 Night and Day 1.25 Now and Again 1.45 CD:UK Hotshots 2.10 Cybernet 2.35 Ghost Stories 3.00 Trisha 3.55 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 3.55 Chucklevision 4.10 The Scooby Doo Show 4.35 Kerching! 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 My Family 9.00 Lenny Henry in Pieces 9.30 The Jasper Carrott Trial 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.25 Come Clean 11.30 FILM: Mad Max 1.05 BBC Three Zone: Liquid Assets: P Diddy's Millions 2.05 FILM: The Masque of the Red Death 3.30 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Passionate Statistician 6.30 Ever Wondered? 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 World Figure Skating Championships 2.00 FILM: The Boy with Green Hair 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Techno Games 2003 7.30 Clarissa and the Countryman 8.00 The Flying Gardener 8.30 The Plantsman 9.00 The Other Boleyn Girl 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Taken 12.55 FILM: Dear God 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision Funniest moment of the week: Riath and TV Steve wrestling a squealing TV Alex away from the CD player and brutally pinning him to the ground to prevent him playing no-tune shite. Eat carpet, music nazi!

Derron Brown: Mind Control S4C 11.10pm

Mae West: In Her Own Words BBC2 11.20pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/ Schools 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Made for Each Other 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Welsh in a Week 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid: Everest 10.00 The Spencers: Diana's Dynasty Oh for god’s sake, why do we have to keep eulogising about Diana? She’s dead, people, let the poor cow rest. And while you’re at it, could you leave Will and Harry alone? They’re just boring.

11.05 Bang! Bang! Bangkok!

11.35 Frasier 12.05 V Graham Norton 12.35 20 Things to Do before You're 30 1.05 FILM: Jumpin' Jack Flash 2.05 FILM: Buck and the Preacher

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Down Under - with Nick Baker 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Rogues of Sherwood Forest 3.55 FILM: Rattled 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 Abba's Biggest Secret They spawned Steps. Horrors!

9.00 FILM: Mercury Rising 11.10 Real Sex: Real Dolls 12.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.45 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v Heerenveen 2.20 Argentinian Football 3.50 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.30 Five Football Replay: Croatia Zagreb v Newcastle United

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Making It 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.05 How II 4.25 Sir Gadabout 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Midsomer Murders 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.00 Savage Planet: White Terror 11.35 Witches' Brew Series looking at old-fashioned remedies. A healer swears by the efficacy of wool for depression, while a doctor from Cardiff has a special way of dealing with warts. Tenuous fnarr? Oh go on then.

12.05 Dial-a-Date 12.30 The District 1.20 CD:UK Hotshots 1.45 Entertainment Now! 2.10 Veronica's Closet 3.00 Today with Des and Mel 3.50 World Football 4.15 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.40 Get Stuffed 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Wreck Detectives 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Jara 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Igamogi 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De 9.30 ER 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Derren Brown: Mind Control Despite the fact that he’s balding and has the worst taste in silky waistcoats ever, this man has me dampening my pants every time he’s on TV. It must be the voice. Or the fact that I have very bad taste in men. 11.40 Boys and Girls 12.10 Eurotrash 12.40 St Tropez Summer 1.10 FILM: The Best of Benny Hill A fat man running around after semiclad braindead bimbos? Sounds like the cheerleaders’ ideal night out. It’s open season on the pom-pom wavers, people. Join us! 2.30 Tour of Langkawi 2003 3.00 Skiing on 4: Ski Jumping World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered: UK 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Six Black Horses 3.55 FILM: Thirst 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday 9.00 The Man Who Paints the Future: Extraordinary People 10.00 FILM: Goodfellas Terrifying and horrifically violent, but a classic nonetheless.

“Amazing, but still the poor man’s Casino” - Riath, “Ray Liotta is the dude and also the voice of Tommy Vercetti in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City” - a slightly geeky TV Steve soils his pants with enthusiasm.

12.50 FILM: The Amorous Milkman 2.25 FILM: Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore 4.10 Xena: Warrior Princess 4.55 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters

Friday 28 March

Television

BBC1

GRiP

24 •

gair rhydd 17 03 03

Features

gair rhydd features section Free Word 737 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

17 03 03

Russell Atkins brings some sun, fun and...lemons to a gloomy Welsh spring, as he talks of holidays and carnivals in Venice and Nice.

I

t is a rather curious mixture of the urbane, the baroque, the grotesque and the downright outrageous, culminating in a magnificent candlelit procession through the city at midnight on Shrove Tuesday. For two weeks of every year Venice, arguably the jewel in the crown in a country not short on treasures, takes a step back in time as all the pomp, fervour and colour of the Carnevale comes to town.

Carnival season always acts like a magnet to tourists, as thousands of visitors from all over the world flock to La Serenissima to swell its narrow streets, meandering waterways and hidden little alcoves, not to mention to be taken for a ride (in more ways than one) by the city’s gondoliers who see fit to charge extortionate prices for a romantic tour of the city by water.

The principal focus of the frivolities is the celebrated Piazza San Marco, dominated by its imposing Basilica, towering Campanile and sumptuous Doges’ Palace. This is where the masses congregate, many bedecked in variegated masks (a Venetian custom on important public occasions since time immemorial) and resplendent costumes. The tradition of masks lends an added sense of mystique to an event already shrouded in enchantment and mystery. Doing our bit to uphold British honour (stiff upper lip and all that), we did our best to try and blend in with the pervading ambience by purchasing and sporting the multi-coloured jesters’ hats that were in great supply on stalls over the period. Well the carnival brochure did say ‘Anything Goes.’ So we thought it only polite to bring our own individual brand of style and sophistication to the proceedings, silly string n’ all…

The carnival opens annually on the day of Santo Stefano with a masquerade parade in St. Mark’s Square. Amongst the celebrations in the following two weeks before martedì grasso there are boat parades along the sinuous Canal Grande and, on the last Thursday before Lent, The Flight of the Dove. This is a ceremony which somewhat bizarrely involves a model of a dove scaling the height of the belltower by means of a rope, sprinkling flowers and confetti over the enthusiastic crowd along its way. This act stems from a tradition begun in the mid-1500s, when a young

The Fun of the Fair

Turkish acrobat is said to have performed the same routine, entirely unrehearsed. Apparently he walked along a rope with the aid of a balancing rod, all the way from a boat moored in front of San Marco’s to the top of the Campanile, drawing gasps of admiration and disbelief from an awestruck crowd. He also allegedly descended again performing somersaults, and the feat is said to have been repeated over the intervening years by various imitators, some even on horseback!

Nutters…

Given that the Venetians also have a passion for dancing, it is eminently appropriate that a whole succession of opulent and extravagant balls, in rococo-style ballrooms with frescoed walls and luxurious gilt ceilings, should be held over the fortnight.

Examples include the famed Ballo del Doge, Ballo dei Sospiri, Ballo Mascherato and the lavish Ballo Rinascimentale on the final night of celebrations. Period costume is a prerequisite as Venice turns the clock back several centuries and her affluent citizens come out to play in all their luxury and splendour. A note of warning though – prices ain’t cheap, only the seriously rich need apply.

Being mere struggling, impoverished students, we reluctantly decided to give the balls a miss for this year. Instead we contented ourselves with lots of gorgeous Italian ice-cream in St. Mark’s Square, rubbing shoulders with people dressed up as anything from viscounts, counts and courtesans to Punch and Judy (yes, really!). We also had the time to soak up the very unique atmosphere of this magical city during its most animated time of year, enjoying the many period plays put on in the main piazza, and ascending the Campanile by rope… …No, ok, we did use the lift, but the view from the top, as the sun was sinking over this most romantic of cities and bathing everything in its golden rays, was quite something. It made us understand what possessed the Turkish acrobat to attempt his amazing exploit all those years ago.

As I looked out over the breathtaking panorama of this sunkissed view and the day slowly drew to a close, I knew I’d be back one day. But next time I want to do it properly. I want to glide into this magnificent city on a gondola along the majestic Canal Grande and under the Rialto Bridge, a beautiful woman on my arm. I want to dine in the best restaurants, stay in the most sumptuous and expensive hotels and attend all the high society events. Well, it’s something to aspire to, isn’t it?! continued over...

features meetFeaturesFeatures ing, mondays @ 1.15pm Features

14 • Features

gair rhydd 17 03 03 our masses of wealth in the world-famous Casino (where else?!)…Well no, ok, we didn’t really have too many Euros left by that point to go on a wild gambling spree. But you are allowed to enter the casino’s sumptuous entrance hall without having to pay for the privilege and then stand there, neck craned back almost at a right angle, gazing in awe at the p r o d i g i o u s workmanship and intricacy of the opulent golden ceiling. One when I’m We arrived to be greeted by the worst day, rich and famous… hailstorm I have ever experienced In the (and I am speaking as someone who meantime, we has lived all 22 years of his life in settled for the more humble England, where rainclouds hold pleasures and conventions) laid-back, s e d a t e Crowds flocked to see floats of all descriptions laden atmosphere of with flowers of every colour under the sun, pass by in Menton, my front of them. The culmination of proceedings was the personal favourite moment the Queen of the Carnival appeared, scattering along the coast. It is flowers over the admiring onlookers. about as near to Italy The next day we took a trip to Monaco, tax haven to in France as you can the stars and filthy rich and millionaires’ playground get. There is a small street sign there pointing to par excellence. We spent the day witnessing the ‘Italie’. No distance or anything on it, just the word, Changing of the Guard outside the Prince’s Palace, almost as if you are going from one small village to going to see Princess Grace’s tomb in the austere another, not an entirely different country. Menton is cathedral and following the tracks left by such sporting more Italian than French in both feel and clientele, and legends as Graham Hill, Jim Clark and Ayrton Senna in although it has acquired over the years an unjustified walking the full length of the famous Grand Prix reputation as being something of a retirement retreat, it circuit. We also took a Dotto train (nothing if not living has more than its fair share of seductions. The in style!) around the principality, taking in along the centrepiece of these is a magnificent display in the way the dazzling sight of all the yachts glistening in the Casino Gardens. The theme in 2002 was Pinocchio and sunlight, bobbing up and down in the crystal-clear there were about 30 giant-scale models constructed harbour and sipped hot chocolate in the bar of the entirely out of oranges and lemons and bordered by a Grand Hotel (one of Monaco’s most famous beautiful array of flowers, of Geppetto, Jiminee Cricket institutions and v-e-r-y expensive) overlooking the and of course the big-nosed one himself. The overall Mediterranean as the sun set over its calm waves. I still effect was quite staggering, and most definitely the have the receipt. I was thinking of framing it for highlight of the holiday for me. The exceptionally mild posterity…because short of inheriting a fortune – year round climate of the surrounding area – it was which frankly isn’t gonna happen – I’m never likely to warm enough for T-shirts and shorts even in the middle actually stay there! We ended our day fluttering away of February – makes it highly-conducive to fruit... continued from front

gairrhydd 2002-2003

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Contact us Address gair rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434 Advertising – 0845 1300667 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the

For a light-hearted alternative to the masked parades of Venice, you could always succumb to the siren calls of the more traditional pleasures of carnival festivities on France’s sunkissed Côte d’Azur. Nice acts as a kind of focal point for the celebrations, and the theme of the 2002 event was the King of the Euro, to symbolize the country’s transition from the Franc to the single currency.

One preconception that should be dispelled from the start is that the sun always shines in the south of France. Lies, lies and yet more damned lies. It doesn’t.

The myth is a complete fallacy. We arrived to be greeted by the worst hailstorm I have ever experienced (and I am speaking as someone who has lived all 22 years of his life in England, where rainclouds hold conventions), and by the time we had reached our hotel (all 200 yards away from the train station), we had received a pretty thorough drenching.

Thankfully the weather soon picked up and reverted back to form in time for the chef d’oeuvre of the celebrations, the Bataille des Fleurs (Battle of Flowers) along Nice’s elegant Promenade des Anglais.

growing. Lemon and orange groves are picturesquely dotted all over the nearby countryside. Leaving Nice for Menton is like stepping out of winter and into summer practically overnight.

It had been an amazing few days (the train ride along the coast is worth the visit alone as you look over calm blue waters and shaded, secluded beaches dotted amongst such illustrious resorts as Antîbes, Cannes, Juan-les-Pins and St. Tropez). We returned to Nice for the final night of the celebrations. This incorporated the Défilé aux Lumières (a procession led by the king that takes place against the backdrop of the moon and stars, lighting up the night sky, moving through Nice’s centre and onto the waterfront) and the concluding Cortège d’Incinération, a ceremony in which the king is burned. Following which a cacophony of fireworks are released over the sea to bring the curtain down on the carnival season. The king is dead, the crowd shouted. Long live the king!

Ms Dyna-mighty

The most interesting thing to have happened in North London since Joe Orton is without a doubt Ms Dynamite.

At the Brit Awards she picked up the award for Best Urban Act, beating nine other nominees to the gong. Her album A Little Deeper has stormed the charts, and Ms Dynamite has, in a comparatively short space of time, assured her position in the legends.

With her Celebdaq price soaring, hallForof apop long time now, Daniel Barnes appraises the new the music industry has been waiting for darling of British music... somebody who sings he pop world has brought about real people and their issues. In a forth from its godly arms, a way not seen since the heyday of Pulp, spark of genius that doesn’t this role has recently been taken by Ms just fizzle and glow, but explodes into Dynamite, who spoke out for the a cloud of joy and excellence. And the bereaved in the Birmingham New best thing is, this pop sensation is Year’s Eve shooting with such grace born of the British music industry. and decorum that the pop world doesn’t

T

quite know what has hit it.

The great thing about Ms Dynamite is that she is not a victim; she sings songs of pain and regret, tell stories about suffering and neglect, and recounts tales of a less than idyllic childhood – but she does all of this without the slightest hint of being tortured. She is not a victim, only an inevitable brick in the wall, doomed like the rest of us to eternal misery.

Crucially though, her music retains the spirit of optimism in the face of woe – here we have an artist who is concerned with celebrating and affirming life in spite of the difficulties we suffer.

Ms Dynamite’s music touches people because it tells their story in a sympathetic but not sycophantic way.

Her music is a fusion of the great tradition in rap of communicating feeling with an air of detachment, and the Beat style storytelling in such a way that it cannot fail to affect people.

There is a rhythm of doom that permeates every second of every song, guiding the listener through like a train that might never stop.

At the same time as being more than musically competent, Ms Dynamite is – fortunately for her – the perfect pop product: she has the style of a glamorous woman who will not sell out to the vulgarity of Christina Aguilera, and the presence and composure of a conductor voicing the sound of the infinite mass orchestra. She is the kind of person that the young and the old can like in mystic synchronicity; boys and girls alike can admire her for her own reasons and she swears enough to make her point clear, but not too much to be Eminem.

The Brit Awards provided a platform for her to do what she does best – campaign for the good of humanity – when she sang a show-stopping rendition of George Michael’s Faith as a sly anti-war protest. Pop music is redeemed by Ms Dynamite’s marriage of social awareness and artistic talent, by her beauty and resistance to blind commercialism. At last, we are graced with the gift of pop music which has the voice of a prophet, the look of an enigma, and, most importantly of all, a conscience.

gair rhydd 17 03 03

Features • 15

Eat, drink and be charitable Fair Trade chocolate and coffee has been aroun for some time, but if you don’t know why you should pay more for this chocolate and eat it instead of a Crunchie, read on. By eating chocloate you could actually be helpful...

M

arch 3rd – 15th is ‘Fair Trade fortnight’. The Fairtrade Foundation is an organisation that exists to promote fairly traded goods to industry and individual consumers throughout the UK. It is running a series of campaigns across the country to increase understanding of the issues surrounding fair trade and to heighten awareness of the Fairtrade mark – the only independent consumer guarantee that a product has met criteria that ensures a better deal for Third World producers.

For a nation that gets through more confectionary items per head than any other European county, UK consumers remain largely ignorant of the impact that indulging their ‘sweet tooth’ has upon producing communities around the world. Similarly, coffee, a commodity which is commonplace in our daily routine, has a massive and (to the western consumer) largely unseen impact upon peoples lives. Current trading practices are unfair; indeed, we are living under a system in which one person’s profit is another person’s poverty. Product accountability is a concept largely ignored by the majority of manufacturers who satisfy our taste for luxury food items. But this exploitative situation is not the only form that trading relationships can take, nor should it go unchallenged. Despite the entrenched vested interests of some, this industry is still susceptible to change. It is after all a consumer market and thus the power to change the status quo lies with the consumer.

If we think of chocolate and coffee, it is more than likely that we will imagine a ‘big brand’ product that is easily available, relatively easy on the pocket and etched permanently on our consciousness by the machinery of aggressive marketing. Today’s markets are driven by the pursuit of profit. The primacy of this goal has meant that the most vulnerable link in the supply chain – the marginalised producer – is increasingly feeling the squeeze. Providing multinational companies with hefty profits and the British public with a cheap and convenient sugar/caffeine hit come at a price - the reality behind the industry is not so easy to swallow. At the mercy of the fluctuations in the world

communities. Activists have realised that addressing the fundamental imbalance and injustices of the world trading system can be achieved in two ways: supporting an alternative, ethically accountable structure and campaigning at the highest level to change the trade rules that have fashioned the current established system.

The Fair Trade movement offers an alternative to the current terms of trade that are having an adverse affect upon so many. All products awarded the Fair Trade mark conform to the basic principles of sustainability and development. By offering a fixed price for commodities, the Fair Trade system protects the producers from the hazards of the world commodity market. Part of the payment is awarded in advance to give stability to the lives of those involved. On top of these fairer prices, a social premium is paid to be invested in such essential services as health, education and sanitation projects. Where th money goes is decided democratically by members of the community, making sure that it is directed to uses identified by the people thmselves.

The Fair Trade message is not falling on deaf ears. As more people learn about the benefits of ethical trading and sample the quality and growing range of products on offer sale,shavedr amatically increased. Over one hundred products now carry the Fair Trade mark and the products a r e

Oxfam has predicted that Ethiopia will soon be facing its most devastating famine yet – a desperate situation of epic proportions by any standards. commodity market, the producers of coffee and cocoa beans have been forced into poverty as prices have continued to decrease. At the moment coffee prices linger at a thirty year low – an Oxfam report highlights the plunging terms of trade in which the real price of coffee beans is now at 25% of its 1960 level. The consequences have been to maintain and even further the scale and depth of poverty in producing communities, at present many growers are in the grip of what Oxfam has called a ‘coffee crisis’. Ethiopia, a major source of coffee for the international market is currently experiencing a state of profound poverty. Oxfam has predicted that Ethiopia will soon be facing its most devastating famine yet – a desperate situation of epic proportions by any standards. In a country that specialises in growing and exporting the world’s second most valuable commodity after oil, the fundamental dysfunction of the global trading system is exposed.

The current circumstances confronting Ethiopia have created a human tragedy that is largely of our own making. Trade rules are stacked against producing countries in a way that protects western economies and consequently limits the economic progress of the developing world. Large scale subsidisation of European industries and unfavourable tariffs that penalise importation of manufactured (high value) goods both contribute to the plight of producing

getting shelf space in supermarkets and retail outlets throughout the country. Being slightly more expensive than the average product is an obstacle to the expansion of the Fair Trade market, but even for the most budget-concerned consumer paying a financial premium is a small sacrifice. Any financial premium is surely counterbalanced by the social, economic and environmental premium that fairly traded goods give to the growers. It has been accepted by development specialists that it is a fair trading system and not charity that will really make a difference to the lives. The movement is spreading and groups throughout Cardiff are coming together to with active campaigns to raise awareness and promote change. The Cardiff branch of People & Planet are campaigning to gain a ‘Fair Trade’ status for the University – look out for further information, available from them. You can show your support by adding your name to the petition which asks for Fair Trade products to be available throughout the Students’ Union and all University premises, as well as keeping an eye out for fair trade events being held in the area.

16 •

gair rhydd 17 03 03

gair rhydd 17 03 03

• 17

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Sugababes Björn Again East 17 Jean Jaques Smoothie + MC Keith Chegwin Plus Casino, Circus Performers, Tattoo Artists & loads more

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18 •

gair rhydd 17 03 03

gair rhydd 17 03 03

• 19

20 •

gair rhydd 17 03 03

Sport

January 20 2002

National sports updates

COMMENT. Below

BUSA. Page 23

Page 19

IMG football results and tables

Issue 737. 17th March 2003 Sport Editors: David Williams, Riath Al-Samarrai, Daniel Evans.

Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net

IMG. Page 22

Future looks bleak for the politics of sport In 1998, the FIFA World Cup England cricket team recently in France brought together two refused to travel to Zimbabwe Riath Al-Samarrai bitter political rivals in the USA for a crucial World Cup Sports Editor and Iran, but at the final encounter, citing death threats from a terror whistle shirts were exchanged received and the sides left the pitch organisation that had been WITH ‘WORLD PEACE’ a together in mutual admiration. incensed by British foreign Things are different in the policy. term long since relegated to It marked a turn around memory as forces from all current world climate. The corners of the globe ready themselves for war, it is no surprise that the contrasting realms of international sport and politics have become entwined.

Tony Blair wearing an England shirt and bending a ball to the far post is as unlikely as the image of David Beckham standing up and delivering a motion to parliament.

However, as nations clash and bombs rather than footballs soar through the air, sport is being forced into the apocalyptic shadows of war, and with growing frequency the words spoken in the chambers of power are diminishing the role of sport.

Jesse Owens resisted Aryan Supremacy

from the days of black athlete Jesse Owens.

Irrespective of intimidation and strong resistance both at home and abroad, the American travelled to Nazicontrolled Berlin in 1936.

Conquering the hostility he received in the Fatherland, Owens returned home a hero with four gold medals around his neck, and respect from many of his Teutonic rivals.

At the conclusion of the long jump event, German Luz Long, a model icon of the Nazi state, embraced Owens as an equal, and in front of over 110,000 indoctrinated fans, political differences forgotten.

By comparison the decision of the ECB not to travel could have cost England a place in the next round of the competition. Not for the last time in this age of global uncertainty, politics off the field have prompted sportsmen and women to question the value of sport.

Golfers Colin Montgomerie

and Tiger Woods were among the leading stars that boycotted the Dubai Desert Classic earlier this month due to safety fears, as a war in the region is looking more imminent by the day.

Similar concerns were reiterated when the England U20 football squad pulled out of the World Youth Championships that were due to be held in the United Arab Emirates at the beginning of April. This prompted organisers FIFA to scrap the event.

The power of sport is losing its influence on a world geared for destruction.

Once the universal language used to unite people across the globe, sport has now become insignificant. The code that brought Nazi Germans to their feet in honour of a black athlete, and saw USA embrace sworn enemies Iran on the football field, is no longer enough to bring the world together.

Coulthard finds winning Blades cut down Leeds to reach formula down under Daniel Evans Sports Editor

THE DRAMATIC overhaul of Formula 1 has reaped immediate rewards, creating a refreshingly different looking podium at the Australian Grand Prix.

The FIA and many fans were granted their wish - Michael Schumacher was out of the top three for the first time since 2001.

Instead, it was Scot David Coulthard who took the chequered flag in his McLaren, followed by Juan Pablo Montoya and Kimi Raikkonen in third.

Rain before the race had left Albert Park a treacherous track, giving the fans a tense and

exciting race. Early crashes and frantic attempts to change tyres for drying conditions saw an ever-changing race order.

Schumacher senior naturally started in pole position, but veered off the track and was forced into a costly pit stop to repair damage.

When the fiery Colombian Montoya took the lead it seemed like a long-awaited Williams victory.

His inexperience was his downfall however when he spun off with eleven laps to go and surrendered his lead.

If Montoya was the hare then Coulthard was the tortoise. He started low on the grid and steadily moved through the field, capitalising on the mistakes of others.

“Brilliant though it is to have won, I am a little surprised”, he said.

FIA shake-up sees McLaren make dream start

“It wasn’t one of my finest victories, but I kept on the track when others could not.”

The total domination of Ferrari last year led the FIA to radically change the rules of the sport after fans became disinterested.

Qualifying has been reduced to one do-or-die lap, with teams carrying their qualifying fuel into the race and prevented from testing until immediately before the Grand Prix.

Drivers must now gamble on driving with light enough loads to gain grid position, whilst not pitting too early during the race.

Controversial team orders have been banned to prevent a recurrence of last year’s fiasco when Rubens Barrichello moved aside for his team-mate Michael Schumacher to win.

Other restrictions include a ban on pit-to-car telemetry, preventing teams from changing car settings when they are on the track.

The most radical rule alterations are still to come from the FIA, with proposals to ban such driver luxuries as traction control and fully automatic gearboxes.

The consequence of the shake-up will be a greater emphasis on driver skill and ideally a more competitive Championship. After a stale and predictable procession from ‘the car with the prancing horse’ last year, the future of Formula 1 is now thankfully uncertain.

FA cup semi

Nicky Byrne reports THE LONG ROAD to Cardiff is nearly at an end, and the Millennium Stadium is within spitting distance as the competition has reached the semi-final stage.

First Division Sheffield United’s reward for securing their fourth Premiership scalp of the season is a semi-final tie against either Chelsea or Arsenal who fought out a 2-2 draw at Highbury.

Watford and Southampton also made it through to the semis, beating Burnley and Wolves respectively.

The Blades made it through after beating Leeds 1-0 thanks to a 78th-minute Steve Kabba goal that proved decisive as Harry Kewell and co failed to capitalise on numerous clearcut chances. Their misses proved costly as the loss has left them with nothing but Premiership safety to play for after being knocked out of the Worthington Cup, also by their local rivals.

In North London, Arsenal and Chelsea served up a classic cup tie with John Terry putting his side ahead, a lead Carlo Cudicini protected by magnificently saving a Thierry Henry penalty after Francis Jeffers had gone down dubiously in the box. Jeffers got it right soon after, tapping in after Celestine Babayaro

made a hash of a simple clearance.

Henry made amends for his spot-kick miss when he embarrassed Cudicini with an audacious turn on the edge of the box before slotting home. Chelsea never gave up and grabbed a second chance of reaching the last four when Frank Lampard bundled home the ball late on after a Hasselbaink corner.

Watford doubled the Nationwide League representation in the last four with a 2-0 win over Burnley.

The Hornets have faced severe financial difficulties of late and boss Ray Lewington must hope that the extra money generated through their cup run will allow him to keep on some of the players whose contracts are coming to an end. One of which is Stephen Glass, the scorer of Watford’s second goal, a

Page 21

gr top 5

Sporting fatties Disagree with our choices?

Email grsport@hotmail.com

1

Big Daddy

Really named Shirley Crabtree; very macho.

We know wrestling’s not a sport but when someone crushes an opponent to death with his girth, the spandex pantomime becomes real. Be careful kids.

2

‘Butterbean’

He likes butter, he likes beans, when he fights it’s awesome scenes, as Tristan would say. A big-ass boxer- just look at the photo.

3

John Daly

An absolute beast of a golfer who is the only man in history to combine the basin-cut with the mullet. An alcoholic who wouldn’t be out of place on The Jerry Springer Show.

4

Andy Fordham

The ‘Viking’ of the darts world. The stereotypical tungsten tickler has obviously enjoyed a few pints in his time.

“Mooooooo”, says Bobby George 5

Jan Molby

“Fatty fatty toad boy”, they used to chant at Swansea. Piled on the pounds at Liverpool before plummetting down the league. Once presented Dave with an award for ballet dancing. majestic free kick that added to Tommy Smith’s scrappy opener.

Southampton ensured Premiership representation as Gordon Strachan’s side brushed aside Wolves at St. Mary’s. Dave Jones had an unhappy return to his previous club. Chris Marsden, a player brought to Southampton by Jones gave the Saints the lead with a fortunate overhead kick. With nine minutes remaining, Wolves' hopes were extinguished when Paul Butler put the ball into his own net.

Although they may publicly deny it, the presence of two First Division clubs and humble Southampton in the semis will surely result in the winners of the Chelsea and Arsenal replay feeling that their name is as good as on the cup.

Peter Ndlovu provides a sharp edge to the Blades attack

Inter Mural Games

Page 22

March 17 2003

grsport@hotmail.com

Momed accounting the cost of defeat if they are to take the honours.

Elsewhere, Jomec showed that they are still in with a chance, coming back from two goals down with half an hour to go to beat Law A 4-2. Next weeks meeting between the journalists and Accountancy is now of huge significance.

Torpedo Engin’s dreams of glory were destroyed by Carbs A, who finally showed the form that made them early season favourites.

The normally tight Engin defence

Billy Lee for gr Sport TWO GAMES left, and only three teams remain in the title race this season.

Accountancy took a giant leap towards their first IMG title with a victory over Momed. Both teams had been level on points going into the game but goals from David Ford and a concussed Josh Minagawa put Accountancy in the driving seat. Momed must now rely on rivals slipping up

IMG Pos

Premiership P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Accountancy

5

4

1

0

15

3

12

13

2 Momed

5

3

1

0

13

6

10

3 Jomec

5

3

1

1

14

7 11

3

10

4 Torpedo Engin

5

2

1

2

14

9

5

7

5 Law A

5

2

1

2

12

10

4

7

6 Ecosoc

5

1

1

3

6

10

-4

4

7 Carbs A

5

1

0

4

10

8 FC Real

5

1

0

4

5

16 23

-6 -18

3 3

I MG Pos

Division 1 P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 RPR

5

3

1

1

16

6

10

10

2 Carbs B

5

3

1

1

11

6

5

10

3 Uni Hallstars

5

2

2

1

10

14

-4

8

4 Economics

5

2

1

2

12

10

2

7

5 Planathinaikos

5

1

3

1

11

8

3

6

6 Woka Juniors

5

1

3

1

11

13

-2

6

7 History

5

1

2

2

14

15

-1

5

8 Auxilliary Engin

5

0

1

4

5

17

-12

1

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 M. Madrid

5

5

0

0

22

7

15

15

2 Gym Gym

5

4

0

1

32

9

23

12

3 Chemsoc

4

3

0

1

20

5

15

9

4 Psycho Athletico

5

2

2

1

10

7

3

8

5 Planderlecht

4

1

2

1

14

8

6

5

6 Law B

5

1

1

3

10

27

-17

4

7 Cathays FC

5

0

1

4

5

25

-20

1

8 Myg Myg

5

0

0

5

6

31

-25

0

I MG Pos

Division 2

I MG Pos

Division 3 P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Irish

5

4

1

0

20

8

12

13

2 A. Stanley

5

3

1

1

20

12

8

10

3 W. Wanderers

5

3

0

2

14

18

-4

9

4 Earth Soc

5

2

2

1

18

12

6

8

5 Pharmacy

5

2

1

2

11

10

1

7

6 Bute Park Utd

5

2

1

2

11

12

-1

7

7 Sawsa FC

5

0

1

4

9

19

-10

1

8 CU FC

5

0

1

4

7

19

-12

1

Fixtures

19 March 2003

Accountancy

V

Carbs A

V

Law A

V

Momed

V

Premiership

Football

was breached five times in a high scoring encounter. At the bottom, Ecosoc claimed a first Premiership win as they saw off the hapless FC Real.

Division 1 saw Roath Park Rangers remain on top despite a dire 0-0 draw with Planathinaikos in which neither keeper had a save to make all game. The shock of the day saw Woka Juniors outplay Economics to record a great, if surprising, 3-1 victory. Carbs B moved level on points at the top after a last gasp victory over History, while Uni Hallstars showed they are still in the running for honours in their debut season, edging past Auxiliary Engin.

Mathletico look odds on to win Division 2 after a fifth straight win, this time over Cathays. Gym Gym kept some pressure on with a destruction of their second team, Myg Myg and Psycho Athletico moved up the table with a comfortable win over Law B. The result of Chemsoc’s game with Planderlecht has not been recorded yet.

Irish continued their impressive post-Christmas form with a thumping win over CU FC, a result which kept the winners on top while sending the losers to the foot of the league. Accountington Stanley showed that they haven’t given up in the race just yet, knocking four past fellow new boys Bute Park Utd. Pharmacy finally returned to winning ways against Earth Soc while Wyvern Wanderers continued their recent winning run with victory over Sawsa.

Netball WEEK 1

Business school scoop IMG title

Billy Lee for gr Sport THE IMG netball champions have been crowned: after finishing a close second last year, Carbs have cruised to the title.

Under the management of Jennie Platt and Helen Reeve the team were made champions with a game to spare. The game that sealed it was an entertaining and aggressive one against rivals Law A. A close first half saw both teams tied at the break but the Business girls began to open up a lead early in the second half. The rivalry between the teams saw the Law shooter and the Carbs keeper continually winding each other up, providing an entertaining sideshow for the crowd.

As the final whistle sounded, Carbs still had no idea that they had won the title.

However, just half an hour later, Pharmacy, the only team that could catch them, were dispatched by a rampant Psychology who have really come into form recently.

The tormenter-in-chief was goal attack Kath Sherwood, who hardly missed a shot all game and punished Pharmacy every time they lost the ball. At the finish, Psychology had won by four points and Carbs had won the title.

The final game saw the also-rans of the Premiership meet as Cardiff Uni A played Economics. These two teams

Premiership P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Carbs A

5

4

1

0

73

36

37

13

2 Psychology

5

3

0

2

60

55

5

9

3 Pharmacy

5

3

0

2

47

49

-2

9

4 Cardiff Uni A

5

2

1

2

50

49

1

7

5 Law A

5

2

0

3

47

53

-6

6

6 Economics

5

0

0

5

28

63

-35

0

I MG Pos

Division 1 P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

1 Cardiff Uni B

5

5

0

0

60

32

28

Pts 15

2 Law B

5

4

0

1

74

36

38

12

3 Phist

5

2

0

3

51

58

-7

6

4 Chemy/Biosci

5

2

0

3

28

41

-13

6

5 Carbs B

5

1

1

3

32

55

-23

4

6 Comsoc

5

0

1

4

24

47

-23

1

P

W

D

L

F

A

GD

Pts

1 Gym Gym

5

4

0

1

61

16

45

12

2 LPC

5

4

0

1

62

34

28

12

3 Cplan

5

4

0

1

54

33

19

12

4 Socsi

5

1

0

4

31

54

-23

3

5 Medics

5

1

0

4

26

51

-25

3

6 Sawsa

5

1

0

4

20

66

-46

3

I MG Pos

Division 2

had been highly fancied before the second phase started so it is a shock to see the position they are in now.

The Uni team gained revenge for their earlier defeat and heaped further misery on Economics.

The Uni B team moved closer to the Division One title with a win over Chemy.

Law B kept their hopes alive with a fine performance over Phist while Carbs B and Comsoc proved themselves to be the smartest teams in IMG, calling their game off

instead of playing in torrential rain.

The dream is still alive for Cplan in Division 2. Another victory, their fourth in a row, means that they need only a point from their final league game.

Remember-this is a team that had never won a match before 2003.

Gym Gym lost track of the Planners with defeat in an ill-tempered match with LPC whilst Sawsa finally won a game, knocking over a spirited Socsi.

Uni B succeed where A-side fail WITH THE IMG title already decided, the final week of the league season was reduced to sorting out the minor places.

Champions, Carbs A, were held by Cardiff Uni A in a thrilling draw, spoiling their 100% record. Psychology claimed second place with a thumping win over an Economics team who will be glad to see the back of the Premiership for this year.

Pharmacy recovered from

their recent poor run to finish the season on a high, beating Law A comfortably by five points.

Despite their A team struggling this year, Cardiff Uni B have found the going much easier, cruising to the First Division title with five straight wins.

The final victory was gained over Carbs B and showed the gulf in class between the winners and the rest of the

Division 2

Division 1

I MG Pos

Jomec Cathays FC

V

Myg Myg

Ecosoc Chemsoc

V

Psycho At.

Torpedo Engin Gym Gym

V

Planderlecht

V

Mathletico Mad.

V

Wyv. Wanderers

V

Pharmacy

V

Earthsoc

V

Sawsa FC

FC Real Law B

division. Law B eased past Comsoc to finish second while Phist completed a very successful league season with a good win over Chemy.

Division 3 produced the most excitement with three teams tied for the lead on 12 points. Gym Gym narrowly edged past Cplan, whilst LPC trounced Socsi. The title went to Gym Gym however, due to their vastly superior goal difference.

With the league over, there will be no rest for the teams who will now compete for the IMG Netball Cup which begins this week.

Like journalism? Come to gair rhydd and we’ll cover your costs, provide equipment and enter you for prestigious awards.

Division 3

Aux. Engin

V

Carbs B

V

Planathanaikos

V

RPR

V

History Account. Stanley Economics Bute Park Utd Woka Juniors CU FC Uni Hallstars Irish

Sport meetings take place on the fourth floor of the union on Mondays at 1.15pm.

University Sport

March 17 2003

Page 23

grsport@hotmail.com

Uni golfers still on course Wado Kai on karate high

Daniel Evans, Sports Ed.

CARDIFF’S GOLF TEAM are through to the last eight of the BUSA championships for the first time in four years.

Matt Stevens’ squad went to a rain-drenched Herefordshire course and picked up a 4 1/2 – 1 1/2 victory.

Stevens was particularly delighted with the performance as it avenged last year’s defeat.

“Everyone played really well in testing conditions.

They got the better of us last year but everything went our way this time,” he said.

The weather in Hereford

A stroke closer to the last eight of BUSA

was so bad that the golf club was actually closed to the public and the stodgy greens meant that the match was a test of target golf, pitching as close to the pin as possible.

John Knight notched up Cardiff’s first point with a crushing 9 & 8 win which was followed by Chris Butler’s 3 & 2 victory.

The other ties were all close encounters, John Stevens-Palmer hit some huge drives in his battling draw, but Captain Matt Stevens was edged out 2 & 1.

The game was put beyond Herefordshire when Elliott Shaw clinched a single hole victory and Dave Morgan compounded their misery,

finishing 2 & 1 up.

Cardiff’s team have improved steadily all season and are confident of progressing in a possible tie with Aberdeen.

“We’ve built up a great team spirit and are beginning to believe that we can go all the way this year,” said John Stevens-Palmer.

Cardiff getting to grips

Chandris late show gives Cardiff win Gareth Keenan reports CARDIFF UNIVERSITY men’s basketball team made a long but successful trek to Newcastle to play in the last of BUSA against Northumbria University.

After an opening flourish of baskets from the home side, Cardiff came back to lead by two points after the first quarter. By half-time the away side led by five points with captain Dan Miles and Miltos Chandris leading by example with 25 and 23 points respectively.

Despite Cardiff leading, Northumbria were always in

BUSA

contention, but good rebounding from Hywel Bromby kept the Northerners at bay. Northumbria, one of this year’s favourites for the BUSA title were surprised to be behind but the lead stretched to 13 points at the third quarter.

Following a fightback by the home side, the scores were poised delicately at 80 points each with only 30 seconds remaining in the fourth quarter.

Northumbria though, had the chance to win but a mistake handed the initiative back to Cardiff.

Chandris drove the ball to the basket and was fouled as he shot, leaving him the

and purposefully missed the second to eat up the time for the opposition to draw level.

The dramatic win enabled Cardiff to qualify for the final

eight competition in which they finished in eighth place.

Points scorers: Miles 25, Chandris 23, Tsimpouzoglu 16, Kerrigan 15, Bromby 2.

ROUND-UP

Results

12 March 2003

Men’s Fencing 1sts

W/O

Imperial

Men’s Hockey 1sts

2-4

London Met.

Netball 1sts

37 - 76

Northumbria

Men’s Rugby U. 1sts

22 - 19

Cambridge

Men’s Squash 1sts

chance to win the game with a free throw with only a second left.

With the pressure on, Chandris made his first throw

3-2

Surrey

Cardiff rowers shine in Head of the Taff race

By Amy Drake CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ROWING team kick started their season with an impressive and hardearned win. The Annual Event named Head of the Taff was an exhausting and tiring day for all rowers competing.

The impressive location of Cardiff Bay meant the race was spectacular for all competitors and spectators.

Rowers raced for just over

four kilometres from the Millennium stadium to Cardiff Yacht Club. Having trained at the Bay, the event was an opportunity for

Cardiff to dazzle.

Cardiff entries included Novice men and women eight squads, senior men and senior women eight squads and

novice pairs.

The Welsh weather meant they had to confront the periods of rain and high winds across the Bay. Despite cold conditions, Rick Day and Ossie John won the pairs race and even had a faster time than the winners of the event three categories higher.

The Novice women’s eight and Novice men’s eight also won their category and for many it was their first race. The senior men’s eight similarly

won their event and came sixth overall out of as many as seventy boats.

Although the senior women’s eight were not medal winners, they were the second fastest women’s boat at the event.

With Head of the Taff under their belt, the rowers are now looking forward to a month of weekends away racing at Putney for the eight’s Head and Bournemouth and Putney for the Men’s eight’s Head.

Katie Fewkes reports THIS YEAR’S BUSA Karate Championships in Kent saw teams and individual members of Cardiff University Wado Kai Karate Club bringing a number of medals home.

The Kumite competition saw several individual achievements and some top class fighting from all members of the University. The Women’s Team Kumite, made up of Deborah Knowles, Kate Humphrey and Nici Gittens, went in with a strong range of techniques but their fiery determination was not quite enough to get past Warwick who went on to take Silver in the category.

The Men’s Team Kumite, saw an unlucky defeat for the team of Ben Richings, Matt Smithen and Steve Davies when the advice of the coach was misconstrued.

In the individual Women’s Novice Heavyweight, mention must go to Deborah Knowles who fought her way into the third round of a huge category, showing skill far beyond the expectations of her grade.

In Ben Richings’ first fight for Cardiff in the Men’s Novice Lightweight a good effort and use of techniques were unfortunately not quite enough to carry him through to the further rounds.

The Men’s Novice Heavyweight, one of the largest categories in the competition, saw Steve Davies’ Cardiff debut.

A great fight took Davies through to the second round against tough competition. Matt Smithen, despite forgetting his gumshield in his first round, managed to battle into the third round of the Men’s Senior Middleweight.

But it was the Women’s Senior Heavyweight where Cardiff excelled again.

Not until she was punched in the face did Kate Humphrey realise she had forgotten her gumshield, but despite this set–back, she and Nici Gittens fought their way impressively to win bronze medals in the toughest category for women.

So after a successful weekend, the future for Cardiff University’s Wado Kai Karate Club looks all that much brighter despite a number of cancellations in this year’s club calendar.

And the winner of the STA travel quiz is...

The correct answers for the STA Travel quiz are: 1. Wasim Akram 2. Phillipe Sella 3. Thierry Henry 4. Kieth Deller 5. France

6. Justin Rose 7. Juan Manuel Fangio 8. Gloucester 9. Albert Costa 10. Willie Thorne 11. Darren Campbell etc, 12. Clifford Etienne

13. Bjorn Borg 14. Svetlana Feofanova or Stacy Dragila 15. 44 16. Rory Underwood 17. Greece 18. Cardiff 19 Swansea 12

Unlike the quizzes in the past, there were quite a lot of entries for this one. For once the prize is actually real..

So, after drawing the top entries from a hat, the

winner is Tom Acheson who answered all 18 questions correctly and wins £500 pounds of travel vouchers. However, we will now be unable to send Riath to the special school.

Wax on, wax off

“When someone crushes an opponent to death with his girth, the spandex pantomine becomes real...”

gr sport top 5 fatties

IMG and BUSA ALL the results from our legion of sporting stars in waiting. Pages 22 and 23

Sport identifies athletes with the fuller figure

Page 21

gair rhydd

Sport email grsport@hotmail.com

17 March 2003 - Issue 737

Hammam tough on boo-boys Bluebird Watch Riath Al-Samarrai, Sports Ed.

The Welsh feel the pressure straight from the kick-off

Gareth Cooper’s try gives the away side some hope

Whilst Chris Paterson and Scotland celebrate. . .

. . . Wales contemplate the shame of the wooden spoon

Woeful Wales slain by Scots Match report

David Williams, Sports Editor

Scotland 30 - 22 Wales WELSH RUGBY reached the depths of despair at Murrayfield as an average Scotland team overran a weak, uncreative and unimaginative Wales side 30-22.

Billed as the ‘wooden spoon’ decider before the match it was clear which side didn’t want to finish the Six Nations at the bottom of the championship table as the Scots set out to attack Wales from the kick-off.

The omens for the Welsh team, which included their third captain and fly-half of the campaign in Martyn Williams and Stephen Jones respectively, didn’t look

promising as early as the first five minutes when the recalled Gregor Townsend broke through and was only denied a try by a double movement.

This set the alarm bells ringing in the Welsh defence as Scotland, who had only scored nine points in their first two matches, went on the offensive in front of a packed Murrayfield in search of their first try in this season’s Six Nations.

The home fans didn’t have to wait long as firstly Chris Paterson slotted over a penalty and then, after almost three hours of rugby, prop Bruce Douglas drove from a yard out to end his

country’s try drought.

Despite a Jones penalty, Wales were on the back foot again as a stretched defence crumbled to let the outstanding Simon Taylor plunge over for another Scotland try.

However, despite failing to break England’s defence just two weeks before, Wales responded with the score of the match. Tom Shanklin, Rhys Williams and Kevin Morgan- undoubtedly Wales’ best player on the day with several breaks from defence- broke down the Scottish left to set up quick possession. After the play had swept to the left wing Gareth Thomas made the decisive break and, with some quick hands, Gareth Cooper scrambled over to bring Wales within seven

points of the game at half time.

Although the Welsh side enjoyed the lion’s share of possession after the interval, their inability to create any real scoring chances was severely exposed. Even with three overlaps and the Scottish rearguard in trouble, Wales somehow contrived to blow all three chances.

And, despite having a man sent to the sin-bin late on, Scotland were able to stretch their lead even further after a schoolboy error by Rhys Williams allowed Paterson to touchdown and put the game beyond doubt.

Tries by Williams and Mark Taylor late into injury time flattered Wales, but could not hide the fact that they had

been out-thought by a supposedly weaker team.

With Ireland to come to the Millennium Stadium and a trip to Paris to face France, Wales and their coach Steve Hansen will reflect on the Murrayfield nightmare as their last chance of a Six Nations win this season.

In the other matches, both England and Ireland continued on their pursuit of the Grand Slam with wins over Italy and France respectively.The passionate performance of the Irish compared to the flat display by England will give the men from the Emerald Isle confidence ahead of their clash at Landsdowne Road, which could be a championship decider.

LENNIE LAWRENCE may be heading for the lottery of another play-off as his Cardiff City side continue to throw away points in the final stages of the season.

Stoke City postponed Bluebird dreams of Division One football at the play-off stage nearly a year ago, but Cardiff’s early season form appeared to have exorcised those demons as they raced into a commanding position at the head of the table.

Poor home form of late has seen Cardiff fail to win any of their last four league outings at Ninian Park, and defeat to Notts County has re-awoken the boo-boys.

The dismal 2-0 loss courtesy of a Mark Stallward brace, is only the third league defeat Cardiff have suffered on the own patch all season, but fans displayed their disgust by leaving before the full time whistle and chorusing disgruntled chants around the stadium.

Such criticisms of Lawrence and his side have been growing in recent weeks, though their superb form on the road is keeping them in contention at the top end of the Division Two table.

Goals from Scott Young and Robert Earnshaw were enough to brush off the challenge of play-off hopefuls Brentford at Griffin Park, allowing the Welshmen to stay in touch with Dario Gradi’s Crewe Alexandra side for the second automatic promotion spot.

Last season’s play-off heartbreak and the big money spent on assembling this squad have all added weight to the pressure on Lawrence to succeed.

Sam Hammam has been keen to defend under-fire boss Lawrence, and is growing increasingly intolerant of negative attitudes around the club.

Local bookies, Jack Brown, had their advertising deal terminated by the Bluebird’s owner earlier this month.

Hammam was incensed that the bookmakers were taking bets on Lawrence’s successor should he get shown the door at Ninian Park, and is urging “all those who boo, just stay at home.”

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