gair rhydd - Issue 739

The outdoor types

Inside GRiP: Harry Hill and his badgercabaret

Music get ready to tackle the summer festivals Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

Monday 12th May / Free Word 739

gairrhydd

“It’s all about the loving”

Lives left in students’ hands

Peter Bramwell reports FEARS ARE growing for patient safety in Wales’ hospitals because student nurses, including those at Cardiff, are being put in sole charge of sick people.

Serious shortages of qualified nurses throughout the country are forcing hospitals to use relatively inexperienced students to fill the gaps in numbers. A survey commissioned by the Royal College of Nursing has found that more than a quarter of first year undergraduates were left alone in charge of patients being cared for the NHS last year.

Students at the University of Wales College of Nursing here in Cardiff have experienced the same problems.

UWCM third year nursing student Claire Thompson said: “Patient care is definitely being jeopardised because student nurses are being left alone with patients.

“It’s important that students have patients to manage because we have to have that

this way.”

Not only is the quality of health care being undermined but student nurses are being put under a large amount of pressure. Union arbitration service Unison’s head of health in Wales, Dave Galligan, believes that this is just one reason why so many people are being put off a career in nursing.

“The term student is just a misnomer. It’s just an excuse for cheap labour.

“We treat them as staff, we work them like staff and they are regarded as an extra pair of hands, but they aren’t paid as staff.”

The RCN/ UWCM STUDENT Mori survey also CLAIRE THOMPSON found that up to half of student those receiving medical nurses had considered quitting attention. Royal College of their studies because of the Nursing President Sylvia stress involved.

Financial hardship had led Denton explained: “A serious lack of registered nurses to nearly a third (28 per cent) to support and guide students is think about leaving.

UWCM first year Rose endangering patient care.

“Students on clinical Fowles-Gutierrez had a mixed placements should never be view on the survey’s findings. left alone in charge of patients. While never having been left It’s simply wrong to expect without supervision herself, them to take responsibility in she agreed that student nurses experience but a lot of the time we are left alone.

“The way to learn is through supervision, to have someone watching over you while you work.

“It can be very scary when there’s no one else there as we aren’t trained to do everything.

In an emergency situation we wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.”

There are fears that students will be put in situations that they are not yet ready for, creating potential dangers for

“Patient care is definitely being jeopardised because student nurses are being left alone with patients.”

Are student nurses like Rose Fowles-Gutierrez facing too much pressure? were given too much responsibility.

“I have never been left in a situation I could not deal with because we are always supervised by a mentor.

“However, there are so few qualified nurses that doctors

can sometimes push you into doing stuff you know you can’t do, so you have to stick up for yourself.”

Rose also had a suggestion that might relieve some of the pressure.

“At the moment we all have

the same uniforms, so I think that we should have a graded system so that other staff could recognise how far along in your training you are.

“It would definitely stop confusion at busy times on the wards.”

Labour celebrates Welsh night of joy Mark Cobley reports from Welsh Labour HQ

A jubilant Rhodri Morgan, Labour First Minister

WELSH LABOUR were cheering a dramatic win on May 2, after netting a narrow overall majority in the Welsh Assembly.

However, the student vote for the party was not as impressive: Cardiff Central the constituency in which most students live - fell once again to Liberal Democrat Jenny Randerson.

Over the whole of Wales seat after seat tumbled to Labour as the party reclaimed the heartland seats it had lost to Plaid Cymru in 1999.

The Welsh Conservatives had reason to celebrate as well, seeing their tally of seats rise from nine to 11.

The Liberal Democrats held onto their six seats and John Marek, the former Labour

member for Wrexham, became the Assembly’s first Independent member after leaving the Labour Party.

But the big losers of the night were Plaid Cymru who were left on 12 seats after losing Llanelli, the Rhondda and Islwyn amongst others.

Plaid Cymru leader Iean Wyn Jones has since resigned.

Welsh Secretary Peter Hain said: “It is a fantastic result for Labour and it was a terrible night for the Nationalists.

“Their fantasy of an independent Wales has been buried forever and they are barely neck-and-neck with the Tories.

“We won three quarters of the constituency seats which by normal general election standards would be a landslide.”

The proportional representation system that

Assembly elections are fought under means that although Labour took a full 30 out of the 40 Welsh constituencies, they still struggled to net a majority of the 60 Assembly seats with 20 of them being decided on a regional list basis.

The 20 regional seats are allocated according to the leftover votes for the runnerup parties in the constituencies.

In the vast majority of seats those runners-up were not Labour candidates, meaning

the party secured none of the 20 regional seats - with a full half of them falling to the Conservatives.

However, after Plaid Cymru AM Dafydd Elis Thomas was elected Assembly Presiding Officer Labour was left with a razor-thin one-seat majority.

That was enough for First Minister Rhodri Morgan to declare that his party would not be renewing its coalition with the Lib Dems, meaning Wales now has a single-party Labour government.

WELSHMAN WILLIAMS WINS HIS SECOND WORLD SNOOKER TITLE REPORT IN SPORT P24 News p1–6 ● Opinion p7 Features p13 ● Sport p23 ● GRiP p15 ● TV listings p17

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News IN BRIEF Cardiff gene discovery may Cardiff prof helps out abroad help fight bowel cancer

May 12 2003

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March to free Palestine

DESPITE THE end of the war in Iraq, the Cardiff Stop The War Coalition is still going strong and is participating in a London march of solidarity with the Palestinian people.

The march is taking place on Saturday May 17 in Trafalgar Square, with speakers including the infamous pro-Palestinian journalist John Pilger, head of the Ramallah Health and Development Institute Dr Mustafa Barghouti, Palestinian Delegate Afif Safieh, Jeremy Corbyn MP and Caroline Lucas MEP. Coach tickets are available by contacting info@cardiffstopwar. freeserve.co.uk and coaches leave at 9pm on May 17 from the Cardiff National Museum, near the Union’s main building.

The ‘invisible’ career STUDENTS WHO enjoy their University environment are being urged to consider a career they might not have first thought of.

The Higher Education sector itself is crying out for new recruits, both in academia and support staff.

Now the higher education Careers Services Unit has produced a new publication providing information and advice to students who may wish to enter the sector.

CSU Chief executive Mike Hill explained: “This is a situation that has worsened since 1998 and which will intensify given the government’s plans to expand higher education.

“We feel it’s critical to raise the profile of the higher education sector as an employer to encourage more graduates to include it in their career search.

“At the moment it is possible that HE is an invisible career option to final year students and graduates.”

Careers in the sector include not just academic roles but archivists, librarians, IT trainers, human resources, lawyers, marketing and counselling, and, of course, Careers Services.

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN

Valerie Feller reports

Rhiannon Davies reports A BREAKTHROUGH by scientists at Cardiff University and the University of Edinburgh will enable new drugs which could prevent bowel cancer to be developed.

Researchers led by Professor Alan Clarke at Cardiff and Professor Adrian Bird at Edinburgh have discovered a gene, called MBD2, which is essential for bowel cancer cells to grow.

However the gene is dispensable in normal, healthy cells meaning it could be removed or neutralised safely.

The findings of the research were funded in part by the Wellcome Trust and are published in the journal Nature Genetics.

They raise the possibility that drugs which inactivate MBD2 could prevent human bowel cancer without harming normal cells.

Bowel cancer is the UK’s second most common cause of cancer death, after lung cancer.

Professor Clarke, who

Cardiff’s Professor Alan Clarke and Dr Owen Sansom worked closely on the discovery with post-doctoral researcher Owen Sansom in Cardiff University’s School of Biosciences, said: “Our research provides a significant breakthrough in understanding the pathways that can lead to bowel cancer.

Cancer is primarily caused

Degree means fewer children Anna Hodgekiss reports WOMEN GRADUATES are 50% more likely than nongraduates to remain childless throughout their lives.

The office for national statistics (ONS) reported the findings following a recent study into Britain’s declining birth rate.

Nine in every forty women with a university degree or other higher education qualification had no children by the end of their childbearing years compared with six in every forty nongraduates.

Women with qualifications who waited until after 25 were more likely to have another child in quick succession than those without, with higher

education making little difference to the size of their families.

Report author Steve Smallwood said: “The relationship between education and fertility is complex.”

“A higher education may delay childbearing and increase the opportunity cost of having children. However it also increases income.

Women graduates may have more to spend on children, and that could result in having more of them.”

Research was undertaken into women born between 1954-8 who are nearing the end of their reproductive years.

Approximately one in six of that age group achieved a higher qualification in contrast to the current generation’s one in three.

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Does achieving this mean you won’t have kids?

by irrevocable alterations to genes in cancer cells are altered in more subtle ways that are potentially reversible.”

“The new findings reinforce this idea, as MBD2 is known to silence genes that have no mutations in them.It now seems that colorectal cancer

depends on this kind of gene silencing, whereas normal tissues can remain healthy without it.

“The exciting possibility is therefore that colon cancer will be treatable by drugs that interfere with the gene silencing process by targeting MBD2.”

AN EXPERT at Cardiff University has been called in to help newly established democracies in Africa and Eastern Europe.

Professor John Loughlin of the School of European Studies has been appointed to two new highlevel roles by the United Nations and the Council of Europe.

On previous assignments, Prof Loughlin has visited Moldova to assess a crisis in local democracy following the election of the Communist Party in 1998.

He has also studied local democracy in Ireland.

Now he is being sent to Nairobi in Kenya as a member of a UN group of experts on devolution and decentralisation.

This latest recognition of his expertise marks a further development in an unusual career path which has seen Prof Loughlin serve time in the Army and join a strict order of monks.

“It certainly hasn’t been the conventional route,” said Professor Loughlin.

“However, I’m sure my experience has given me insights into human behaviour, which are now proving invaluable in studying political systems around the world.”

News

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Union Council elects new chair Mark Cobley reports THE UNION’s governing body, the Students’ Union Council, has a new Chair after the dramatic resignation of the previous officer.

Labour Club Chairman Rob Newman was elected SUC Chair unanimously at the April 1 meeting of the Council.

Ex-Chair Matt Lyddon resigned at the end of last term due to an increasing academic workload in the run-up to the exams.

Matt’s closing statement to Councillors - who are the Student Union’s elected governors - revealed his concerns for the Council.

“As a body of approximately 60 people representing 15,000 students the argument that SUC has questionable legitimacy when it comes to making important decisions on behalf of the student body carries some weight.

“However, with there only being one General Meeting of the student body a year, there has to be some structure for students to participate in the governing of the Union.

“SUC is the best we have.

Therefore it is imperative that the role of SUC is properly publicised.

“If students don’t know

about SUC they won’t get involved and the cycle of low turnouts, lack of involvement, disinterest and occasional contempt for SUC will simply repeat itself.”

Speaking after his election, Rob said: “Obviously my tenure as Chair will be short because we’ve only got a couple more meetings until the end of term.

“However, I’m hoping to bring forward a new motion that will hopefully make the Union’s elected officers follow the Council’s procedures more closely.

“That will make it a lot easier for us in the Council to hold them to democratic account on behalf of Cardiff students.

“That’s what I hope to achieve by the end of term, and hopefully it will leave the Council in a better state for my successor than it was left when Matt took over.”

Matt closed his final statement with an expression of thanks to other Councillors who had assisted him.

“I’d like to thank Peter Goodman, Jodye Kershaw and Caroline Smith who have supported me by serving as Deputy SUC Chair.

“I’d also like to thank Minelle Gholami and Ellie King for their friendship and support.”

Police hunt student village sex attacker Rhiannon Davies reports CONCERN IS growing for student safety after a recent spate of sex attacks in the student village.

In the last four weeks four females have been indecently assaulted in the areas around the city centre and the Union.

Police believe just one suspect is responsible for all the attack and are anxious for any students who may have any information to come forward.

The description of the suspect is a white male of Middle European appearance, between 25 and 30 years of age, with short, wavy dark hair, thin face and build, and between 5’3” and 5’7”.

The attacks have taken place in the early evening and later at night when the women were walking on their Students are advised to be cautious when walking home own.

Cardiff University’s we’re not trying to be alarmist perpetrator.”

PC Keohane also urged these particular Community Liaison Officer PC about Bob Keohane warned incidents as they were not students to avoid listening to personal stereos when students to avoid walking severe assaults.

“All such attacks are very walking at night and be alone and to carry a personal distressing for the victims aware of the people around attack alarm at all times.

“Although all sex attacks however, and so we are them.

“It might be worth waiting to catch the are of course very serious, anxious

alone in dark places ten minutes for a friend to walk home with you,” PC Keohane added.

If any student has been attacked or recognises the description of the suspect, they are requested to inform the police as soon as possible.

Nottingham professors Wider access campaign to stop execution for Cardiff John Collingridge reports biosciences department are P R O F E S S O R S a t Nottingham University have made a public appeal for people to petition against the stoning to death of a Nigerian woman.

Dr Reg Dennick and Dr Paul Martin of the University’s

organising the campaign in conjunction with the Spanish branch of Amnesty International.

On June 3 Amina Lawal is to be buried up to her neck in sand and stoned to death for the crime of adultery.

The Nigerian Supreme

Amina Lawal with her daughter

Court has upheld the death sentence for Amina, who was condemned for the crime on August 19 2002.

Amina’s death was postponed so that she could continue to breastfeed her baby. The baby itself is regarded as the ‘evidence’ of her adultery.

Under sharia law, admitting to having a baby amounts to a confession of adultery. The court released the baby’s father due to insufficient evidence.

For him to be convicted he must either confess or four other men must testify that they witnessed the adultery.

Sharia law, an extreme Islamic judicial system implemented in countries such as Nigeria, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia, derives from the Koran and denotes an Islamic way of life.

Within sharia law there is a specific set of offences termed the Hadd offences. Such crimes are punishable by penalties which include the severing of the hand, lashing and stoning.

Despite the fact that Amina actually has the right to have her life and personal dignity respected under the 1999 Nigerian Constitution, the constitution also protects individual states - such as

Katsina state where Amina was convicted from interference by the federal government.

The Nottingham appeal is combined with that of Amnesty International, who hope to put together enough signatures to make the Nigerian government rescind the death sentence.

As well as chat show host Oprah Winfrey, former US president Bill Clinton has also joined in the appeal.

He said: “I hope and pray that the legal system will find a way to pardon a young woman convicted to death for bearing a child out of wedlock.”

To sign Amnesty’s online petition go to the web page http://www.amnistiaporsafiya. org.

Enter your first name in the space marked “nombre”, surname (“apellidos”), county (“provincia”).

Then go to country, and in the drop-down box pick United Kingdom (“Reino Unido”).

Click on “Seguir” and go to the second page. There you have the option of entering your email address to receive follow-up information.

Click on “aceptar” to have your name added to the petition list.

Rhiannon Davies reports

Whilst students from ‘disadvantaged’ backgrounds will be encouraged to apply to Cardiff, Annie Mitchell was adamant that this would not give some people an unfair advantage in the application process.

She said: “We want to identify multiple disadvantages, and then encourage those who are for example, mature, a single parent or born in the wrong area, to compete with other applicants.”

Cardiff is one of the first of the Russell Group of the UK’s major research-led universities to form such a team, and it is hoped that a more diverse student population will influence future research carried out at Cardiff.

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has recently established a team to encourage applications from groups of people who are traditionally underrepresented in higher education.

The new scheme, Widening Access, will aim to motivate, recruit and retain students with the potential to succeed at Cardiff University.

One part of the initiative will be a Mentoring Scheme, which will send selected Cardiff students to help in local schools where progression to higher education is relatively low.

Annie Mitchell, Widening Access Manager, said: “The scheme is a bid to make sure that the student population becomes more diverse.

“We want to make sure that everyone has the potential to achieve and to raise awareness of higher education.”

The student mentors will receive training and on-going support to work on a one-toone basis with pupils aged 11 to 18. Rather than going into local schools merely to promote Cardiff University, the mentors will aim to raise aspirations about education and help with study skills.

The scheme in action

News

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CRIME FILE CYCLE THEFTS THREE BIKES were stolen this week from cycle racks outside the Bute building.

On closer examination it was found that the steel poles on the rack had been sawn through.

The cut was very clean and thus easily missed.

It is believed that the thief waited for someone to lock their bike to the rack and simply lifted the pole and stole the bike along with the lock.

Students should check all bike racks before leaving any bikes locked on racks in the area and anyone acting suspiciously around university bike racks should be reported to local police or university security.

BURGLARIES

NUS conference agrees new anti-fees campaign policy David Manning reports from Blackpool THERE WAS more electoral joy for Labour at the NUS National Conference in Blackpool at the start of April as Labour Student Mandy Telford was elected national President.

After intense campaigning from a number of candidates Mandy was re-elected by a margin of 3 votes over Kat Fletcher, leader of the group known as the “Campaign for Free Education”.

At the conference new policies for NUS were decided and the national executive committee was also elected by 1,200 delegates from students’ unions across the UK. All the sabbatical positions were contested, and a number of independent candidates were re-elected.

Education funding was the priority debate and the basic aim to continue the fight against fees was easily agreed.

After heated debate, including speeches from two Cardiff delegates, it was decided to campaign specifically for grants for all students, and not to call for

MORE STUDENT houses have been broken into in recent weeks.

Three houses in the student village were burgled in the last week when their residents had gone out.

The break-ins took place between the hours of 8pm - 2am and all houses that were targeted were on the end of a terrace.

Cardiff University’s Community Liaison Officer, PC Bob Keohane, warned students that end-of-terrace houses are more vulnerable than those in the middle of a terrace.

Students should remember to make use of all security features and should close all windows Anna Hodgekiss reports and leave a light on when the house is empty.

THIS MONTH sees the launch of The National Student, a newspaper promising to give British students a credible and MOBILE PHONES continue to independent voice.

Unlike many other be stolen from pubs and clubs publications aimed at in the city centre.

One scam is being operated students on a nationwide in the area where phones are level, The National Student is stolen in coffee shops by a man unique since it is published approaching the victim and asking for directions.

The thief places a map over the mobile phone and then walks off with it and the map.

The suspect is of a Middle European background, male, about 30 years old and has a gold front tooth. He is sometimes accompanied with a girl of about 5 years old.

Police are warning that the more popular clubs, such as Creation, Bar Risa and Jumping Jacks are being particularly targeted by thieves.

means-tested grants.

The policy states that this should be paid for by “a radically more progressive and redistributive tax system”.

The second main debate was on reform of NUS. The block of twelve part-time officers on the national executive committee will be retained and made more accountable, and NUS’s finances will be more open to effective scrutiny according to the policy passed.

It was also decided that a post of International Students’ Officer should be created.

A wide range of issues were raised in the welfare debate, and the conference agreed to support the noplatform policy and National Holocaust Memorial Day. Opposition to PFI and PPP projects to build halls of residence is now NUS policy, and during the coming year there will be campaigns on student health, and equality of opportunity.

Two emergency motions were debated and passed during the conference. The first of these condemned the BNP, while the second stated NUS’s opposition to both the war on Iraq and Saddam Hussein’s regime.

There was also a censure motion proposed against two members of the NEC which alleged that they were racist because they didn’t clap certain speakers, and condemned them for heckling

speakers. This motion was passed against one of the officers concerned.

NUS conference featured passionate debate, on and off conference floor. It showed that many students, far from

being apathetic, hold strong views on issues from education funding to world affairs, and that some are committed to practical and political action to effect change.

Students vote on conference floor at Blackpool

National Student soon Student views on religion revealed to hit the shelves

PHONE CRIME

If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444.

PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/content/police.

by an entirely student-owned company based in Lincoln, with student staff and writers.

The paper will be produced monthly with a circulation of 250,000 copies and will be available at every university in the country free of charge.

The editorial team are confident the paper will be a success despite no such feat being attempted before,

working with existing student newspapers and magazines to ensure a wide news coverage and a talented team of writers.

Managing Director Nick May said: “I am really looking forward to The National Student becoming a part of every student’s normal university life.

“It will be the new voice of all students in the UK.”

It is hoped the new national student paper will have a large readership

James Lycett reports

HALF OF Cardiff students believe that science has taken the place of religion and are no longer looking to an external entity for the meaning of life.

That was the finding of a survey by Cardiff University’s Christian Union, conducted during their “Way + Truth = Life” Mission Week.

Over 300 students submitted their views.

The week, from February 3 7, involved various talks taking place during lunchtimes and evenings, and aimed to get a general overview of what Cardiff University students believe.

Just over 50 per cent of students who took part in the survey believe that science has answered the big questions that we have in life.

They believe human beings provide their own moral laws and need no external guidance.

Around 15 per cent of those surveyed believed in a Christian-style creator god, whilst a further 13 per cent showed a belief in a god.

Daniel Wilkinson, President of the CU, said: “This is just a basic belief that there is a

higher power than ourselves that exists somewhere in the universe.

“Most of these people are happy to acknowledge the existence of a god without wanting to really examine the attributes and characteristics of what they believe in.”

The remaining 20 per cent of students surveyed were split into two evenly sized groups, with some taking a new age view of being in harmony with the world and others believing that we should be aiming to experience the world around us rather than trying to understand it.

Daniel added, “As individual Christians and collectively as a Christian Union we would encourage people to investigate the Christian faith and its claim of being the Way, the Truth and the Life.

“The Bible says in the book of Matthew ‘Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.’

“The Christian Union aims to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ whilst respecting other people’s views and beliefs.

“The union meets on Friday nights in the Maths building, room E0.15, at 7pm and all are welcome.”

News

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Students speak out against City Property Management Peter Bramwell reports THE FAMILY of landlords at City Property Management, the Ghaffars, are once again at the centre of a row over the standard of rented accommodation they provide to students.

Third year students Russell Stanley and Fiona Gault last week told gair rhydd of their experiences with the Cathaysbased letting agency.

After viewing a one bedroom flat on Fitzroy Street in February 2002, the pair were unhappy with the overall state of the property but were promised that repair work would be done over the summer.

The couple signed a contract which included written confirmation of the proposed amendments.

However by July, they were refused access to the property

by CPM, even after making an appointment to check up on the building work.

Business Admin student Russell complained that the company are totally untrustworthy.

“We waited all day

unsuccessfully and upon returning home we sent letters by recorded post and several answer machine messages all of which went unanswered.”

They moved into the house in September to find that it was in complete disrepair.

“The work had been done, but very unsatisfactorily. The walls were damp, and the toilet was extremely unsanitary.

It was uninhabitable.

“When we complained to the agency, they gave little response, and after continued persistence, Mr Ghaffar got very aggressive with us and City Property Management’s the police were called.

“The police officers then They are making a big fuss accompanied us to the flat over nothing.”

His son added: “What do and agreed that it was unfit to you want us to do? Hoover live in.”

The Ghaffars, however, their houses and wipe their countered: “We are not arses?”

New tenants were found running a charity. There is a matter of expectation; for the property by CPM in everything was done to their late September. But Fiona and agreement but it did not meet Russell were only reimbursed one week’s rent. their standards.”

“We are still owed over In response to the allegations of aggression, Asif £800,” said Zoology student Ghaffar said: “I was not Fiona.

“We also spoke to Key Let shouting; my voice is like that.

GMB Union calls for better student wages Anna Hodgekiss reports MORE STUDENTS than ever before are working to avoid the debt trap but there are fears that some are getting short-changed in the process.

A recent study by the British General Union (GMB) found that of the 3.1 million students in the UK, 36 per cent on full time courses are undertaking part-time work to supplement their student loans.

These findings coincide with the latest figures revealed

by Barclays Bank estimating that the average student accumulates £11,000 of debt by graduation, with the abolition of the grant and increased tuition fees once again taking the blame.

However, the GMB study found that most of the one million workers are under 22 and only entitled to the young persons’ rate of the National Minimum Wage (NMW) of £3.60 rather than the full rate of £4.20.

The GMB is campaigning for the abolition of NMW age barriers.

Senior official Paul Kenny said: “This massive army of part-time workers are leaving college with average debts of £11,000 in student loans.

“It is not fair that employers should be allowed to pay them 60 pence an hour less for

doing jobs identical to their older work colleagues.”

Cardiff student John Lenden agreed that some students face unfair working conditions and wages.

“Last summer I had a job in a bar in my home town.

“I discovered by talking to people that while I was being paid £3.90 an hour some of my older colleages were on £4.30 despite doing pretty much the same job.

“I was told it was because I

was temporary and they were permanent, but some of them had arrived after me and left before!”

Despite gloomy prospects for many students it’s good news for those at Cardiff University.

The Unistaff Jobshop on the ground floor of the Union pays £4.20 per hour for the majority of its vacancies so for students needing some extra cash it may be worth a visit.

Student employment: a fair deal?

offices on Salisbury Road and it turns out that we are not alone in our experiences; according to them others have reported similar problems.”

All students are advised to speak to the Student Advisory Centre on the third floor of the union before signing anything.

If you have any information regarding any landlords providing a poor service, then please contact us at the gair rhydd office or email us at gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com.

Union to hold fresh elections Laura Welsh for gair rhydd IT WILL be voting day all over again soon in the Union, since several positions were left vacant in the non-sabbatical elections before Easter.

By-elections will take place for the following positions: Black and Ethnic Affairs Officer, Welsh Affairs Officer, Students with Disabilities Officer, Lesbian and Bisexual Officer and Postgraduate Officer.

Due to the resignation of Ying Wang, the International Students Officer post is also up for grabs once again.

Societies and Union Officer Laura Welsh - who is in charge of the elections - urged students to get involved, whether through standing for a position or simply turning out to vote.

She said: “Non-sabbatical officers play a crucial role in the running of the Students’ Union.

“Along with the eight full time officers, the 14 part-time non-sabbatical officers make decisions on how the Union works in areas such as Entertainments and Campaigns.

“They have a real say in how the Union is run.”

Nominations for the positions close on Monday May

12 at 5pm. If you want to stand for a position, nomination forms are available from Rona Griffiths on the main desk in the Student Services Office on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Campaigning begins on May 16 but due to exams, there will be only be one day of voting on Friday May 23.

Laura Welsh continued: “Even though it is during exam time, I would urge all students to go out and vote.

“The officers that are elected will be making decisions that affect the way your Union runs.”

Student Union elections

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Cardiff scientists construct world’s smallest microscope Dominic O’Neill reports CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’s Department of Physics and Astronomy is taking a leap into the infinitely tiny world of nanotechnology.

Scientists at the University of Wales have been given a £2 million grant to create a microscope that will be as small or smaller than a single human cell.

They hope the new microscopes will enable

doctors to identify diseases more quickly.

It could eventually lead to the development of a machine as small as a credit card which would do the work of what at present takes up a whole laboratory.

In order to make the microscope, the scientists will have to harbour tiny rays of light so that they can see what they are doing at the tiniest of levels.

According to Dr Huw

Super small: new technology could revolutionise medicine

gair rhydd ...World Roundup...

JOLLY PRINCE CONFUSED PUDDING WITH SHOT-PUT DEVON: The Prince of Wales stunned onlookers when he threw a steamed pudding during an official engagement.

He was being shown the muslin-wrapped orange and Cointreau flavoured pudding at a farm in Devon.

The Prince said: "Where are the young farmers - I have found a new sport, pudding hurling."

He then tossed the pudding across the tent in which he had met members of the local agricultural community.

After the pudding was caught by one of the young farmers, Prince Charles retrieved it and said: "I'd better put it back."

George Hollywood, 18, had been showing the Prince the range of puddings he makes in nearby Ottery St Mary - set up with the help of the Prince's Trust.

He said, "When the Prince picked up the pudding he said

it would make a good shot put. It was a bit mad, wasn't it?"

The Prince's pudding-throwing episode happened shortly after he sampled two locally brewed beers.

First he took a sip of 4.3% Otter Bright, and then the 5.8% Otter Head.

Patrick McCaig, from Otter Brewery at Luppitt, gave the

Charles: put it back Prince a case of their beers as a 21st birthday present for Prince William.

The Prince of Wales went on to sample locally-made sausages as he chatted in the tent at Highdown Farm at Bradninch.

Summers of Cardiff’s the real world.

It is possible that doctors in Department of Physics and Atsronomy, “the key to this the future may be able to use project is that we have to use it to fight cancer through the special beams of electrons to use of infinitely small lasers w h i c h shape the could halt material the cancer’s and make “These are devices that growth. it as small T h i s a size as it will be as small as a microscope possibly will, it is can be.” single human cell” hoped, be “These devices CARDIFF PHYSICIST s m a l l e r the will be as DR HUW SUMMERS than width of a small as a human hair. single human cell,” he added.

According to the The scientists’ work forms part of a joint project with the researchers involved, the new University of Wales, Bangor in microscope could eventually North Wales and the do for medical research what University of Wales College of silicon chips have done for computers.

Medicine in Cardiff.

The £2 million funding has After Cardiff University’s scientists have completed the been provided by the UKfirst stage of the project, the wide Joint Research Council’s work will be passed on to the Basic Technology programme.

Cardiff University and the scientists at Bangor.

Scientists at the university in University of Wales College of Bangor will then further Medicine are engaged in a develop the equipment so that merger to bring the two it can be passed on to the institutions closer together.

There are already a number University of Wales College of of separate research projects Medicine.

When the medics that are being carried out to eventually receive the help unify research between completed product, they will the universities.

It is expected the full hopefully be able to carry out experiments into how the new merger will be completed by technology could be used in August 2004.

Safe shagging!

MPs come out for Durex condoms Anna Hodgekiss reports NATIONAL CONDOM Week 2003 is being held from May 12 to 18 to promote safer sex to millions of young people.

The Durex-organised event, now in its sixth year, has received support from teachers, healthcare professionals and politicians trying to promote good sexual health in schools and clinics nationwide.

This year’s campaign coincides with recent government statistics showing the UK still holds the highest rate of teenage pregnancies in Europe and that cases of sexually transmitted diseases have doubled in the past decade.

Wales in particular came under the spotlight two years ago following a BBC Wales investigation into sexual health.

The study found teenagers in parts of Wales are five times as likely to contract the sexually-transmitted infection chlamydia than those in London.

National Condom Week is part of the drive to combat ignorance about STDs and general reluctance to use condoms.

Liberal Democrat spokesperson for Wales and Northern Ireland Lembit Opik said: "National Condom Week is a great opportunity to draw attention to sexual health issues in the UK.”

Condoms: one size fits all

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at the places and people making the headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World PRIEST IN NUNDRESSING FARCE VERONA: Police say an Italian priest who asked prostitutes to dress as nuns was among the clients of a brothel raided by the vice squad.

Officers have refused to name the priest. But they say he was a regular customer at the high-class brothel which had dozens of women, including students and housewives, as its workers.

Police say Anna Maria Passarotto, 59, who ran the business, told officers the priest was a client after they found a nun's habit in the third floor flat.

They also recovered hundreds of hardcore videos and photographs as well as whips, masks and handcuffs during the raid.

Marco Odoriso, the head of the operation, said: "We have been told that a priest from Parma was a regular client of the brothel, and he liked the women to wear the nun's habit.

"It would not be fair to name him at this moment, but we will be speaking to him as part of the investigation."

He also stated that clients of the brothel were charged between £120 and £300 a time, depending on the service they required.

HOMESICK SOLDIER TAKES TRUCK THROUGH RUSSIA MOSCOW: A Russian conscript broke out of an army base in a truck and led police on a high-speed chase, because he wanted to see his mum.

The 20-year-old stole a truck and crashed through the gates of the Vatutinki military base 120 miles southwest of Moscow.

Harsh: the Russian army

He then made for Moscow with the intention of driving on a further 150 miles north to the family home at Rybinsk.

But he never made it out of the capital.

An hour-long chase through the city ended with his arrest near a metro station.

Local media reported that the soldier told officers he was homesick and wanted to see his mother and had driven through Moscow because he "wanted to see the capital".

MARIJUANA MOBILES BANNED SYDNEY: Marijuana-scented mobile phone covers have been removed from a trade fair in Sydney, after a politician complained that they promoted drug use.

The organisers of the CeBIT technology fair decided to take action after New South Wales state Premier Bob Carr said that "anything that suggests the normalisation of a mind-altering drug like marijuana, and its promotion to young people, is regrettable.”

Robert Punch, the owner of Corporate Phone Covers, said Mr Carr's comments were a "big over-reaction".

"I was a little bit sur-

Tempting: A cannabis leaf prised," he said. "It was supposed to be good fun."

He insisted that the phone covers were just a novelty item, and would not encourage people to try marijuana.

"You wouldn't go and buy a big block of chocolate after smelling the chocolate one," he told Reuters news agency.

Mr Punch said the phone covers had "high quality marijuana smoke" impregnated into their fabric. They were part of a range of phone covers being sold at the fair including ones smelling of chocolate, strawberry and cherry.

Editorial & Opinion

March 31 2003

Page 7

greditorial@hotmail.com

People like this won the war gair rhydd EDITORIAL Mark Cobley writes By the time you read this, gair rhydd, Xpress Radio and Cardiff Film Society will have had a Saturday night out to remember.

The Annual Media Awards, held this year at the Angel Hotel, have enabled the three societies to reward those who give so much effort, time and commitment with their involvement- and have a good old knees up as well. With much talk across the media groups of dresses, speeches and pubbing beforehand, there is an air of expectation surrounding the night. On behalf of gair rhydd, I would like to thank, in advance, Xpress Radio station manager Hiten Vaghmaria for his enthusiasm and dedication in leading the organisation of the event. Apologies for sounding in speech mode already.

In terms of the awards up for grabs, it is really pleasing to have such great calibre of individuals judging the gair rhydd categories. Professionals from The Observer, Guardian, Telegraph, Heat, Dazed and Confused and South Wales Echo have all come on board, given up their time and supported us by selecting the most impressive amongst the entrants. What has been great though, is the enthusiasm with which they have accepted the opportunity to view the work of the student journalist. Once again, it seems that finally young writers are getting the attention that they duly deserve. Remember to check the next issue to see the names of the winners in print, and those you should look out for in the wide journalism world in the future.

Once again I shall take this lonely opportunity to answer a question put to the gair rhydd by a loyal reader. To reply, there are more music pages than any other section in GRiP due to a number of reasons.

Most relevantly, Music has the largest amount of contributors, probably across the whole of the paper, and definitely in the information pullout. If you feel that any section is being underexposed or just ignored completely, then please come up to the GR office on the 4th floor of the union, or attend the weekly meetings, and let us know.

Come with an open mind and an abundance of ideas, bring your friends and make a difference to the paper. It may be the case that others like what you do too, and next time around you could be an award winner.

I

n case I get accused of disrespecting our fine British servicemen with a headline and a picture like this, I should point out right from the start that in no way do I mean to denigrate or minimalise the tremendous sacrifice our troops make by putting their lives on the line in military conflict.

It’s a sacrifice I could certainly never make and I respect the bravery of those troops enormously.

Nevertheless, it troubles me severely that some in the media have already written off the massive anti-war protests as ‘just a blip’ or ‘irrelevant’.

Irrelevant they were clearly not. The march in London was by a significant margin the largest ever seen in Britain, and more than this, it formed a link with millions more protesting around the world.

As Peter Hain, Welsh Secretary in Tony Blair’s Cabinet, told NUS Wales conference: Any politician who ignored such a protest would be a fool.

And whatever else you think about Tony Blair, he is not a fool.

My point is that without this era-defining cry of outrage at what seemed to many an

So was this all just a waste of time? Of course not illegal, pointless and selfinterested war waged against an innocent people in pursuit of oil, the conflict itself would have been a lot different.

Of course, a lot of what we were told by the most significant anti-war figures has turned out to be mistaken at best.

The war was comparatively quick, taking mere weeks rather than the “repetition of Vietnam” we were promised by Hussein’s regime and the stalwarts of the antiwar left alike.

The war was comparatively bloodless, too. Of course, every loss of human life is an unpardonable tragedy, but

beyond the few high-profile casualty cases such as that of the poor orphan Ali Ismael Abbass, the suffering of the Iraqi people was minor.

Certainly it was a lot less than they suffered under their former ruler.

Of course we all saw the scenes of Iraqis in Baghdad jumping for joy as the American tanks rolled in.

So does that mean we were wrong to protest? Of course not.

If anyone thinks for one second that George Bush was going to put Iraq’s oil in a UN Trust Fund, that he would have “wasted” so much time at the UN, that he would be now

talking about freedom, human rights and democracy in Iraq without the millions of protestors knocking on his and Tony Blair’s door, well, frankly, they’re naive.

It has already emerged that Bush and Wolfowitz’s original plan for a vast, devastating “shock and awe” bombing campaign - ten times worse than the campaign which did take place - was shelved after massive pressure from the UK government.

The fact that protesters are also voters is a thought that must have been running through Blair’s mind when he twisted Bush’s arm over that issue.

Similarly, as many antiwar figures have spent a large amount of time pointing out, it is not exactly in America’s interests to have democracy in Iraq.

It is a majority Shia Muslim nation, and the Shias are not known for their Yankophilia.

It is Shias that rule in Iran, another nation mentioned in Bush’s “Axis of Evil” speech.

So why are Bush and Wolfowitz now pressing urgently for a stable, unified Iraqi democracy? They did no such thing in Afghanistan, content to leave a reasonably peaceful Kabul surrounded by independent regional warlords jockeying for power.

Answer: because of the millions out on the streets demanding it.

Iraqi oil is a similar story. I noticed a timelag - lasting months - between Bush’s announced intention to declare war on Iraq and his later declaration that Iraqi oil would be put in the UN Trust Fund.

What happened in the meantime? The protests, of course.

So don’t let anyone tell you that time you spent out on the streets, with your banners and your klaxons, was pointless.

Our heroic troops have made tremendous sacrifices in the sands of Iraq to remove the murderous Saddam, but on the streets of Britain we may have had a small role in ensuring that what replaces him is peace, democracy and freedom.

The absurd David Blackham Alex Macpherson writes

A

t the end of April, an entire Channel 4 programme was given over to the theory that David Beckham is “Britain’s most famous black man”.

Journalist Paul McKenzie argued that Beckham’s lifestyle – bling-bling jewellery, fondness for flash cars and Versace, and presumably his gangsta bitch wife straight outta Essex – qualified him as an “honorary black man” and, combined with his sporting prowess, had enabled him to become the first iconic figure in the black community who was white.

Though McKenzie used the get-out clause of “it was meant to be light-hearted” as a means of deflecting criticism, it’s clear that the

assumptions underlying Black Like Beckham are both deeply flawed and distinctly unhelpful with regards to race relations.

To claim that Beckham’s camp, trashy fashion sense means that he has “embraced black culture” is to reduce “black culture” to a stereotype – not only that, but a stereotype commonly (and erroneously) used to criticise black people. Hello, Dr Kim Howells and your absurd attacks on rap music.

In a web chat with McKenzie after Black Like Beckham was broadcast, he was castigated by a large number of people who felt misrepresented by his lazy, uninformed journalism.

“What irritated me about the programme was the constant way in which ‘black people’ were referred to as if they’re all one undifferentiated mass of people… Doesn’t this just fuel stereotypes and prejudice?” asked one viewer.

McKenzie’s response – that

he only focused on the aspects of black culture which touched “mainstream life” – was smug, patronising and dumb. Still, from a man who asserted that Beckham was responsible for the increasing popularity of football among black people – rather than Ian Wright or, like, any one of the many black football players in Britain – this is, perhaps, not too surprising.

Black Like Beckham is hardly a one-off, though.

Throughout the mass media, the trend of sidelining and segregating “black culture” in the guise of celebrating it is increasingly common: a separate category for “urban music” was created at the Brit Awards in a breathtaking display of tokenism, while Radio 1 unashamedly advertises its offshoot 1xtra as “the home of new black music”.

This, of course, is ably supported by the picture of that notorious black man Justin Timberlake, along with

various features on Jennifer Lopez and Eminem, on the 1xtra website; oddly enough, there’s nothing to be found about blues-punk band The BellRays and their (black) singer Lisa Kekaula. Is she not black enough for the segregationists at Radio 1?

It’s further evidence of the way in which “black culture” has become interchangeable with “urban street culture” in the eyes of both the latter’s supporters and detractors.

Most rappers, R&B singers and garage MCs are undeniably black – yet to conclude from this fact that these genres of music are inherently black, or that they represent the “black community” as a whole, is absurd and illogical. Just ask Eminem or Princess Superstar whether hip-hop is an innately black art form; just ask Toni Morrison or Diane Abbott or Nelson Mandela how ‘represented’ they feel

by Radio 1xtra – or, indeed,

by David Beckham.

Indeed, to focus on the

Got an opinion on our opinions? E-mail us at greditorial@hotmail.com with a 300-word piece

spurious, vague concept of “black culture”, especially in the context of separating it from “mainstream” – i.e. white – culture, is essentially to perpetuate the idea that black people are somehow Different From Us; black people are like this because they’re black, while white people are like this.

It’s an apartheid mindset which disguises itself by purporting to “celebrate” and “honour” black people – only, of course, if they’ve been given a category all to themselves – but which has the same effect of entrenching racial divisions.

David Beckham does not dress like a “black man”; he dresses like P Diddy, who is hardly an accurate representation of black masculinity.

He isn’t black, for the very simple reason that he’s white.

It should be a simple point to realise, but somehow it’s been overlooked: nothing makes a person “black” except their skin tone.

08 • Classifieds

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

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20 pence per CAPITALISED word

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25 pence per bold word

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30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

gair rhydd 31 03 03

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS

ACCOMMODATION

SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on ssufc1@cardiff.ac.uk Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk MATURE STUDENTS: Janine Jones on JoneaJH@cardiff.ac.uk

Get in touch if you are looking for housemates or a house to move into next year. Just imagine, you could be living with similarly like-minded individuals who also see the potential in this Classifieds section.

If you need to contact the officers make sure you do. They are voted in, like the Sabbs, to help you lot out if you need it.

Isn’t email a wonderful thing?...get in touch, and if it’s about something we can help with, then let us know too.

EMPLOYMENT Take the total number of classified advertisements submitted to the Employment section of the gair rhydd, times it by the number of hilarious photographs of half naked posing housemates who happen to have birthdays this month, multiply this by the amount of rice crispies you had in your bowl this morning and it results in absolutely fuck all. What’s wrong with you? Does Cardiff have 100% full employment? Have all of the cameras in Cardiff spontaneously stopped working? Well? What exactly are your excuses. You make me sick. Either send in some ‘hilarious’ photographs of your buddies or I will, in fact, print a picture of me being sick. And you’ll have no-one to blame but yourselves.

In fact who wants a job anyway? It’s just more work for everyone. I’ve always wondered if one spent an hour scouring Queen’s Street for spare change dropped by careless housewives, and scamming tramps out of their hard-begged pennies one could hope to make an amount in the region of £5, which I’m guessing is the average hourly wage for a student (I don’t know though, why the hell would I?).

Hence why the need for a job? Scour the streets! Be your own boss! Answer to noone but yourself! No dealing with obese secondary-school drop-outs who vent their bitterness on intellectually superior juniors! No tax! No ridiculous uniform!

No pathetic work Christmas parties! This is looking more and more attractive the more you think about it, isn’t it! ISN’T IT???

MISCELLANEOUS As all you lucky buggers have been off on easter hols, the Classifieds are looking even more sparse than usual, though I am surprised that is at all possible. Anyhow, over the last week approximately 90 hours have been spent in this damned office, so I have lost any imagination I once had.

Admittedly this was limited to start with.

So, for one issue only the following nonPC jokes are filling the empty gap in my life. Apologies.

I’m not saying my mother-in-law’s fat but... ..when she goes out in high heels, she strikes oil ..when she walks in the room it gets darker ..if she goes out wearing black, people flag her down ..when she visits the beach, the coastguard throws her back in the sea ..at school, she sat next to everybody.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

gair rhydd 12 05 03

Five Minute Fun • 09

O d d s and sods

What the hell happened to you?

B

*Don’t write in kids, it’s just for fun!

What is the name of Blur’s new 1 album?

hit lain s p s v ot shit h NOT

If you can’t guess who these muppets are...well, you’re a muppet too

A

A bit of a quiz*

HOT

d g ratte Gettin we when revise should r eba Handl aches t mous

hats Trilby an Fake T

is the new spin-off The Bill 2 What called? is the author of the Discworld 3 Who novels?

om vers fr Hango hell

that aches tails t s u o M ke f ish look li s

Who played Mary Poppins in the 4 Disney film?

all cap

Baseb

ancer

Skin C

n chicke Spicy wraps

Irish girl band sang C’est la 5 Which Vie?

ing

rapp donna

Ma

A man wa l ked into a bar and ordered a beer

when the peanuts on the counter said: “Ooh, your so good looking. I fancy you!” Feeling a bit perturbed he decided to go and get a cigarette to calm himself down. When he put money in the slot it started shouting at him and telling him to fuck off. Going over to the barman the man said: “What’s going on?

The peanuts are talking to me and the cigarette machine was giving me abuse!” “Well”, said the barman, “The peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order!”

life through a student’s eyes...

Yo u k n o w y o u ’v e b e e n a t u n i v e r s i t y t o o l o n g w h e n : Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

You'd rather clean than study especially if an essay is due.

You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas especially neighbours and Diagnosis Murder.

Highlighters are the coolest things on earth.

Apparently – Only one in 50 eskimo’s has ever seen an igloo, let alone lived in one.

Prank phone calls become funny again.

You start thinking and sounding like your friends and your accent becomes a hybrid of West Country, Surrey and general Northern.

The weekend lasts from Thursday to Monday.

You live for getting mail.

Rubbish cheap £1 shops are so cool.

Rearranging your room is your favourite pastime.

And God said, “Let there be vodka!” and he saw that it was good. Then God said, “Let there be light’ And then he said “Whoa - too much light.”

What the hell happened to you? A: The couple to whom £1million is ‘nothing’. Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas - You bastards. B: The mysterious disappearing act that is Sadam H. Quiz: 1.Think Tank 2. M.I.T 3. Terry Pratchett 4. Julie Andrews 5. Bewitched

Clues across:

1 d 9 10 11 12 13 15 20 22 24 25 26

Illumination associated with romantic dinners (11) Kettle vapour (5) Violent cyclonic storm (7) Concise and witty saying (7) Traffic-light orange (5) Inhumane (5) Type of pastry used in eclairs (5) Hang limply (5) Vaulted passage or entrance (7) Escape after committing a crime (7) _____ firm, solid ground (5) Give the vote too (11)

CROSSWORD

Artist’s studio (7) Show reluctance, object (5) Bury (6) Accuse of a serious crime (7) Nuclear weapon (1-4) Willow used in weaving basket work (5) Breathe noisily in sleep (5) Give authority to (7) Towards the sky (7) Old saying (5) Indian fig-tree (6) Sinatra’s theme song (2, 3) Many times (5) Capture (5)

Last for tnight’s answers:

Across: 1, Cypress 5, Syrup 8, Egest 9, Oxidise 10, Pudding 11, Taste 12, Rubber 14, Poteen 18, Clout 20, Newborn 22, Crimper 23, Renal 24, Augur 25, Possess Down: 1, Creeper 2, Plead 3, Entwine 4, Stodge 5, Shift 6, Reissue 7, Piece 13, Booming 15, Onwards 16, Nonplus 17, Unwrap 18, Cocoa 19, Taper 21, Ounce

WIN! From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine

Clues down:

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 14 16 17 18 19 21 23

Anon

Open ‘til 11, seven days a week.

Coffee bar with BYO license!

Own roasted coffee.

Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300

Whoopeee, what fun, brilliant! This crossword is so much fun it makes you want to SCREAM! AAAAAAAGGHH! Ahem, complete the crossword, fill in the form and bring it to us on the fourth floor of the union, best tie-breaker wins. last edition’s winner was Lucy Rooume come up and collect your prize voucher. Coolio.

NAME:__________________________ WHY ARE CROSSWORDS SO MUCH FUN? ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________

10 • Comment

gair rhydd 12 05 03

passing

COMMENT

THIS JUST ISN’T FUNNY ANY MORE/MAYBE PARTYING WILL HELP/THE KEY! THE KEY!/ TAT OFFENSIVE/CHOIR NEWS/FELLATIO NELSON/AT LEAST NAPOLEON HAD DECENT CLOTHES by D C Gates (1884- 1936) WELL, HELLO again. So much has happened in these last three weeks that I feel quite seasick. Actually, I think that's due to some mystery bug that appears to have attached itself to me of late. My gums have been bleeding, and the mixture of blood, saliva and tea has not helped this queasiness. But I digress - the US has asserted its position in Iraq, local elections have been and gone, the sun was spotted over the Cardiff skyline - all this in three weeks. How you all must have coped without the brilliant light of gair rhydd to guide you, I never know.

Ah well. Like flies around a dying dog, gair rhydd just keeps coming back.

So, how was Easter for you, then? If you ask me (which I very much doubt), then there was a paucity of top dumb-ass B-movies on the telly, just as there was a paucity of eggs (for me, anyway). Yes, being single, and a rather repulsive person to boot, I was never going to get much in the way of chocolate eggs. On the subject of eggs: are they really a pagan symbol? Okay, I can see the point that they symbolise rebirth and renewal (interestingly, eggs are symbolic of mourning in Judaism), but that's real eggs, which hatch creatures. Chocolate eggs hatch jack shit, and hence are of no symbolic value to pagans. All they represent is an ever-growing population of fat children, and the directorates of

Cadbury's and Mars buying wheelbarrows just so that they can take their wages home with them. What's more, these directors, by virtue of living in houses made entirely out of cash, can afford healthy, slim children, whose diet does not consist exclusively of starch.

Tom Paulin interjects: You're just sulking 'cause you only got one egg, and you gave it away because you didn't like it.

Your correspondent replies: No, not all, that is totally not the case. Er, how did you know about that, by the way?

Tom Paulin, again: I-I-I-I-I have eerie powers...::laughs evilly:: At last, the rest of the populace is as paranoid and depressed and drunk as I am! Ahahahhaha! God, I love the exam period, now that exams are no longer an issue. Yes sirree, I can walk down the streets, the worry of impending examinations totally absent from my life.

I can stop up late supping ale if desired.

Oh aye, this absence of exams is pretty good. The only downside is the mountain of words required as coursework essays.

In fact, whilst the rest of you are out celebrating the end of exams, I'll be spending my free time desperately grappling with my notes. Ah. Seems my jubilance was a little premature.

I wonder, just for the sake of speculation, how many of you voted in

the Assembly elections? Of course, not all of us were here on the 1st, no doubt most of you were sunning yourselves in Venice, on the run in Mexico, or further extending your already prestigious porno careers. However, to those that did stay, I ask only this: did you vote, and did you think your vote had any purpose? I ask this question after counting revealed that only a third of the electorate actually bothered to turn out and cast (the other two thirds presumably includes those who spoiled their vote, but I’m not going to pretend that was any great figure). So to what do we attribute this dismal turnout? The traditional angle on this from the Tories is “apathy”, the blanket application of which to any political situation Mmm...eggs reflects a somewhat apathetic attitude in itself. Sure, the student population is hardly 1968 – standard radical, but this surely reflects a broader climate, where Blairite forces, using Tory tools, have a sound hegemonic grasp of the media and popular culture. Indeed, it seems that the

student vote must have counted, as Cardiff Central was one of the few places where the Liberal Democrats maintained their seat, whereas the majority of Cardiff remained Labour. Of course, in South Wales, people are practically born into the Labour party, hence my diagnosis of the Lib Dem victory as ‘the student vote’ – in Wales, the Liberals have yet to maintain a mainstream grassroots

standing. Hence also that the Labour Party has to cast itself in a different role to its English counterpart – Rhodri Morgan and others’ talk of ‘socialism’ as reflected in their ‘chips with everything’ election pledge. (Note that they skirt

around any genuine socialist issues, such as equality or nationalisation.) I was going to mention the Tories, but couldn’t write for laughing… Perhaps the real reason for such a poor turn out was a combination of excessive publicity on one hand and a lack of it on the other, and the fact that no-one is sure exactly what the Assembly does. Let’s face it: without effective parliamentary powers, the actual power and authority of the Welsh Assembly is uncertain. Your thoughts?

When, O Lord, will this awful glut of reality TV end? If it comes on at this rate, by this time next year, the news will be the only ‘genuine’ programme left in the schedules. Why can’t we get decent stuff on the telly, like dumb-ass zombie films, or a sitcom with a sense of black humour, or a trawl through the awesome, unused stuff in the BBC archives (not quite as full as they should be – bastards taped over classic stuff to record the Queen’s speech and the Lord Mayor’s Show)? What’s more, the decent stuff is only on when I’m at work – doesn’t terrestrial television care about people whose working hours are not the standard nine-to-five shift? I mean, British television must be in a state if the Radio Times considers The Vicar of Dibley to be a ‘classic’ sitcom...

YOUR HOROSCOPES with Madame Cynthia Raking up the bare bones of your sorry little lives...

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) Just because you like cartoons, doesn’t mean you have to live your life around them. That’s why the old lady died when you dropped that piano on her, rather than walk about in in a comedy ‘flat’ form.

Gemini (May 22 - June 22) Rather foolishly, I’ve mislaid my predictions for Gemini this time, so here’s some general advice: growing a moustache, even accidentally, should be reserved to butch, allAmerican actors, gay men, or nuns. Not you.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) Now, I like eggs as much as the next woman (or man for that matter), but you don’t catch me robbing the corner shop so that I could stuff my fat face with plate after plate after plate of of runny, runny eggs. You need help, my friend.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 23) Mars and Capricorn enter a bitter rivalry next week, which could have

damaging effects on your love life. Their rivalry?

Both turn ed up to a Bar Mitzva wearing an identical dress, and then Mars spilt Capricorn’s pint.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 22) Thankfully, unlike you lot, I have the power of independent thought, and don’t have to live my life to the dictate of spurious prophecies. So, keep hanging on my every word and the burden of making decisions will remain removed.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) Look forward to a handsome stranger making an appearance in your life after next week. He’s the bailiff, and he and his minions are coming round to repossess your house and kill your dog.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You love this horoscope lark, don’t you? Poring over my words like so much pornography, even reading the other star signs. I feel degraded even writing this stuff. Keep reading, tiger!

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) The mystical dance of the planets and the eternal swirling of the cosmos loom over you this week, making you volatile and contemplative. You will also receive invitations to many sex parties, all of which concern fisting. Sorry.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Listen, dear, it’s nothing personal, but if I was as ugly as you I’d wear a veil. I mean, you might well be a lovely person, but if I’d been the midwife when you were born I’d have slapped your mother instead of you.

well for you, are they, dear? Your parents’ murder, your once loving partner eloping with a tramp, and the job transfer to a sewage plant could all lead to stress. But you can solve this your own way alcohol, and lots of it. So here’s to the next drink!

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 18) Hark! What’s that sound, like a tree falling on a bear taking a shit in the woods? It’s the sound of you falling head over heels in love - with a horse.

People will soon tell you that your love for Saracen is wrong, but damn them.

To hell with their dull and worldly consequences!

Aries (Mar 20 - Apr 20) Now, I’m not one to carp, and neither should you be.

Granted, I don’t tend to bother much with your horoscope, but face it: you’re the arse end of the piece, and I’m tired and thirsty. What’s more, you’ve been seen reading another astrologer’s predictions, so watch it, pal, or there might not even be an ‘Aries’ here next week.

Pisces (Feb19 - Mar 20) Things aren’t going too

gair rhydd 12 05 03

Letters • 11

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight’s star letter wins bucket full of love.

Dear gair rhydd, The elections certainly had their fair share of problems - negative campaigning, disqualification and arson to name but a few. There was some criticism of the system and how it was operated this year, and certain things do need to be changed for next time. But as a candidate, I would like to say what a rewarding experience the entire election process was. It was one of the most stressful times of my university career, but I had a lot of fun, particularly campaigning on the steps. The atmosphere amongst the candidates was friendly and supportive, and I got to know a lot of great people whom I otherwise wouldn't have met. On a personal note, cheers to my friends for wearing the same t-shirt for days on end and trailing round the university with me - I owe you all a drink! Also thanks to Ben Coak, Finbarr Graham, David Manning, Nicki Morgan, Caralyn Richards and Tristan Thomas for all the support they gave to me during my disqualification and appeal. Their actions showed true solidarity, which is what the Union elections are meant to be about.

Congratulations to the winners who all worked really hard. Next year's executive will be a group of dedicated individuals who will uphold the standards we have come to expect from the Sabbaticals and Non-Sabbaticals.

Helen Dorritt

Game On? Dear gair rhydd, I want to dispute the disparaging claims made about the games page. I have been reading this section for years, and for me it has shown the best of the paper in the writings of the talented Steve Bailey, who is now plying his trade on XGamer and Edge magazines.

The games page deserves to exist because student gamers exist.

There are few people interested in the many, many small bands covered, yet they are given coverage in the hope that people will pay attention and expand their horizons. Much more space is wasted by the classifieds page, which hasn't been used for years, the pictures of the writers gurning into the camera and the TV pages, which aren't a patch on the year before last (no offence meant). I hope that games will continue to feature in GR so that the next Steve Bailey will be able to emerge.

Alan Novak, 4th Year Counterstrike studies P.S. Sorry for such a po-faced letter but some French git has just shot me online and I'm upset.

!Horse Shit?

Dear gair rhydd, Normally I can never be bothered to write letters to the media, especially when I've got a grudge against them. However I'm not prepared to sit back and let people accept the drivel that you’re prepared to give them.

I’m writing regarding the Come Rock review in the gair rhydd March 31 issue. Firstly, Come Rock is more than just a live music night with fit young ladies. The whole idea is to raise money for charities while entertaining people, something which I think the promoters should have been credited with. Secondly is the way in which the acts were ‘reviewed’. Starting with the first band, who incidentally are ‘!Horse’ and not ‘Horse!’ as Andrew Davidson calls them. Also they are nowhere near a "hardcore, verging on punk, rock and roll" band. Anyone who actually listened to them play would know straight away that they are more like a stoner-rock band and one of the best student bands around. Then we have Chuck Ninja who Davidson is

obviously best friends with as they had the biggest paragraph, bigger than the headliners even.

Finally we had Icarus Thinker, who apart from !Horse were the best band of the night (that’s right, I’m hinting that Chuck Ninja were shit), who Davidson noted as being “traditional indie”.

What? Is that all he could say about the headlining act. There wasn't even a mention of the fabulous master of ceremonies Jason with his witty intros, or the brilliant sound technician who pulled out all his tricks to increase the already brilliant performances. All in all it was one of the best gigs I’ve been to this year and I’m sorely disappointed that all you could muster was a feeble and shit review. Try better next time.

Long live the !Horse.

Not yours Ronnie Krymz Lettersdesk says: Well, I thought that Davidson wrote a pretty complimentary review, but seeing as you’re on first name terms with ‘Jason’ it was never going to be enough for you, was it?

Balls Dear gair rhydd, I am a third year student who will NOT be attending the Summer Ball 2003, having had to suffer two previous attempts at the CIA in the past two years... and both times coming away greatly disappointed with the whole thing! It was by no means worth the money, and was really nothing special just an overpriced disco with well overpriced drinks and a few desperate acts trying to cling onto any shred of a career that may still exist!

Although this year I was slightly impressed by the Sugababes, if in fact they turn up, but in all fairness if I wanted to see them I'd go to a gig which they were headlining! I am at a complete loss as to why the committee decided to flood the budget into second rate entertainment and not spend the money on the event as a whole! Why don't you take a leaf out of the Law Society’s book?! Now that was a ball!!!

We want a night to remember, something a bit special, a classy affair that is actually worth the money!!!

Yours sulking Yr3 Earth Lettersdesk says: Aaaaagh, too many exclamation marks! My eyes!

They burn! You seem to be complaining about the fact there’s a band on the bill that you DO want to see. Blimey. Sorry about that. I’m pretty handy on the spoons, and I’m available for weddings and balls alike, maybe that’d be better for you - Ed

Load Of Old Rubbish Dear gair rhydd, I am writing to complain about the use of the word “victim” in your article headlined “Council Angers Students Over Rubbish Theft”. Whilst I agree completely that no one, including council members, should be going through people’s rubbish to discover their identity, I wholly support fines for people who leave their rubbish out on the wrong day. Cathays is a disgusting place to live at times, all because of the litter problem. Bags are piled up for weeks on end without being put out for collection.

Yours sincerely, Cathays Student

Bloody Useless Dear gair rhydd, First of all, hands up who thinks giving blood to help other people is a good idea? I, like many of my fellow students in Cardiff, think that it is important for various reasons. Maybe you received blood from a donor when you were younger; maybe, like me, you believe what comes around goes around and that one day you may need that blood, or maybe you just thought it a nice thing to do.

I am writing in complaint of what happened on Tuesday March 25 at about 11am. I was in the queue waiting to go forward to donate my pint to the cause, when what should happen? The fire alarm went off. People were in the process of donating their blood, so some might say that it wasn’t the best time for a fire to erupt in the union. I like many others have been subject to many ‘false alarms’ over the years and so the sound of the alarm does not really cause too much concern.

Instead of evacuating the Great Hall straight away, the highly trained members of the Welsh blood service decided to investigate further as to whether there was any real danger and if they could continue or not. This may seem a trivial point, but it is not that simple to just unhook a patient from their donor session and send them on their way. The information we were given was that we should leave immediately. This involved abruptly ending the donation of at least four donors and we all made our way outside. This again may not have been a problem had there been a real emergency but this was not the case.

After about 10 minutes some complete clown from the union decided to give the evacuees and the Welsh blood service an absolute bollocking.

We were told that we were not fast enough and found it ridiculous that the blood service members were enquiring as to whether the situation was genuine or not. He did not seem to realise that while in the middle of a donor session it is not advisable to cut it short or inadvisable to put undue stress on a patient who has lost a substantial amount of blood. This little ‘Hitler’ then ‘kindly’ informed us that what had taken place was actually a drill and there was no real cause for concern.

What I, the blood service and the patients in the middle of their donation would like to know is why some complete pleb from the union thought it would be a good idea to hold a fire drill

at that particular time? The blood is valuable not just in terms of life but financially. In total, from talking to the nurses, probably over £1000 in blood was lost. I would also like to know whether the dickhead who spoke to the blood service with such disrespect and the plum who gave the authority for the drill would have been more understanding if they had known if the blood being donated was going to help one of their friends, family or even themselves.

Also, why were the blood service delayed by such a long time just because our wonderful union could not be arsed to clean the ‘Great’ Hall after the concert on the previous Sunday? I would like to see an apology made to the patients who endured additional stress but mainly to the blood service who do such essential work for the general public, of which we are all members.

Yours sincerely, Joe Warchal, 2nd Year Optometry Letterdesk says: Hear hear! Giving blood is vitally important to society. It’s a chance to give something back. Get your lazy student bottoms to the union for the next blood drive

Sarcasm’s Great Dear gair Rhydd, You have managed to change me. A couple of weeks ago I was a very rightwing person. I hated blacks, homosexuals, and left-wing students who actually come from middle class backgrounds. But I have since read your paper closely and I am a better person for it. I am now a well informed person with a sense of justice. I know the world is corrupt and evil and that the evil empire will only be crushed by the university elite of this county. I am glad to be part of your movement.

Thank you gair rhydd for opening my eyes.

Yours faithfully, Gareth Adams

Just A Little Crushed Dear gair rhydd, I feel that after many years of being crushed to near death at gigs that I should write in to try and appeal to the gig-goers of Cardiff. Until recently, at every gig I attended I liked being in the front row, primarily to snap some pics and generally get a better view of my heroes. Lately though, gig going has become a somewhat savage affair. At a recent gig, I and my friends queued for hours to try and get a front row place, only to be pushed and crushed so hard against the barrier that I had two of my ribs broken, which as you can imagine is hugely painful, while my friend passed out from lack of air.

Now I’m sure some of you out there are thinking “well, if they chose to go to the front they have to face the consequences”; I disagree. We pay the same amount as you for a ticket, and queue for those additional hours just to get a better view, and we shouldn’t have to fear going anywhere near the front just because some fat, beer-swilling, testosterone-filled elephant feels the need to hurt as many people as they can in one session. So, please, have a little humanity and think before you crush the life out of some poor girl.

And as for you annoying crowdsurfers... don’t even get me started. You should just be castrated....

HAVE TEXT WITH gair rhydd 07791165837 Put your hand in your pocket and grab your device! Text us, we’ll print practically anything!

And don’t forget to include your name, wiseguy.

“Any1 seen the uni hall shower cam?”

“Is tv alex gay? My flatmate fancies him” "If u ever go into the girls toilet never never never open the little bin next 2 the bog. Dear god no. From peewee" “Come play-keeping the hair gel industry in business” “Is it true that tall people use more soap?”

“Cornwall is not in england you ignorant ignorant people” “Most people wake up with someone else in their bed. I woke up with a log. Why?” “Why are most punters in the flora such braindead, neanderthal wankers” “Tugay has been taken from behind!”

“Did you know, chicks have piss holes in their cunts that are too small to fuck! From matt david” “What does godzilla like with his doritos? Man dip” “Urgent!! You tall dark handsome, me plump old balding. I think you left your pants at mine, they don’t fit me anyway-gimme a call xxx” “Buy fair trade it rules. Love a” “Thats it mr giraffe, you get all the marmelade” “Ive had enuff of antiwar shit graffiti in my union” “Birchwood room 30? I lived there last year. Enjoy watching ur face in the sink” “Tristan has a lot to learn.

Remember who put you where you are you gooner mincer. Love lomu! ps-congratulations m8” “To the lesbian of bruce st.

Cheers! Ned”

Yours sincerely, Pissed-off and in pain

Please e-mail your letters in to us at GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

12 •

gair rhydd 12 05 03

02

et Th erelistings in full Cardiff’s

GRiP

Revision getting you down? Can’t face the exams? Don’t worry! Get There is here to help, taking you through the best events in Cardiff over the fortnight. Be blown away by Mogwai, bounce along to Less Than Jake or see the movie event of the year!

Revsion? What revision?

Happy songs for stressed students

3. Keanu feel it?

Matrix: Reloaded, in cinemas from 15th May

I

t’s a rare occasion that Get There has to stoop to placing a film in the top five, but due to the fact that there is bugger all going on the decision has been taken to give Matrix: Reloaded this prestigious prize.

2003 has already started being called “the year of the Matrix” because two sequels are being released this year (the third, Matix: Revolution, arrives in November). It seems that this is being hyped as one of those truly great moments in film that we will all remember.

There’s no doubt that the original was an amazing film that broke new boundaries in film etc., etc.,

Mogwai @ Great Hall Monday 12th May

T

he union have managed to draw a number of top quality bands to play here over the past year including The Coral, Turin Brakes and Hundred Reasons, yet this must be the crowning glory. For Mogwai to be playing here is something truly special and it couldn’t be better timed, just in time to save you from the depression of exams.

Thank goodness.

Their new album, Happy Songs For Happy People,

is released on June 9 and promises to be just as mind-blowing as its predecessors. Of course it will be in direct contrast to the current musical climate, as Mogwai continue to be the champions of the obscure and strange.

The one thing that makes Mogwai gigs so amazing is the fact that they are so incredibly loud, to the extent that your ears will ring for days afterwards. Even if you

don’t go, you’ll probably still be able to hear it in the Taf, or maybe just feel the bass reverberating through the floor.

Go along, wear a Celtic top and make them smile.

With Mogwai rounding off the gigs in the union for this year, it is worth wondering how they can be topped next year.

Tickets: £10 Available from the Union Box Office

2. This is how you like it Sherman Theatre, Monday 12th - Saturday 17th May

C

ulture returns to the pages of Get There as once again a play achieves grand status on this page. This time it’s a Shakespeare classic, As You Like It. This production is directed by Mappa Mundi with “stunning costumes, an exquisite musical score and Mundi’s own brand of irreverent humour.” The Sherman make the bold claim that this new production is guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

Shakespeare, last sighted being cheated out of the Greatest Briton prize, probably isn’t the man whose plays you’re all dying to go and see, but everyone should make effort. You never know, you might actually enjoy it. Plus, As You Like It is a comedy, not

in the funny sense, but in that it’s quite lighthearted and everything will turn out alright in the end.

If the idea of classic British literature doesn’t entice you then this might: the Sherman have come up with the brilliant idea of offering a meal with the show for just £4 more on the ticket. Just what a starving student needs, a hot meal and 3 hours relaxing in a soft chair.

Tickets: £10 £14 for the Meal Deal (Before you ask, no they’re not paying, but if they’re reading...)

Staff list

GRiP editors: Alex Macpherson & Nick McDonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) GRiP piture editor: Rob Jackson Get There: Anthony Lloyd (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) Arts: LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C. Gates (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Blain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth & Steve Hurst (gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com) Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)

but whether the sequel will be able to live up to the pressure remains to be seen.

The trailer does look very impressive and shows a lot of development in the look of the film, which is understandable - and only to be expected - considering the amount of money that has been thrown at it.

Despite all the dangers of overhyping a film, I will be seeing this film the moment it comes out, and I suggest you do too.

Our parents had the moon landing, we have the Matrix. (Well, not quite but I may as well join in the hype.)

4. Skank-tastic Less Than Jake @ Great Hall, Sunday 18th May

D

espite Get There’s deeprooted hatred of all things ska, Less Than Jake have managed to rise into the top five events of the fortnight. They’re only really here as a warning, though, because the union will crawling with obnoxious, spotty 14-year-olds wearing hoodies about three times their size. Probably best to avoid the back steps on the 18th, then.

Less Than Jake will of course be playing their usual ska-by-numbers that will invoke rampant dancing

amongst the legions of fans. How a band has managed to forge a successful career by peddling the same album every couple of years I will never know.

Anyway, I probably shouldn’t be knocking ska that much or I’ll be getting emails again. Just remember kids, each to their ownsensible Ed. Tickets: £10 Available from the Union Box Office

5. Ladyfest Tour 2003 Katastrophy Wife @ Barfly, Thursday 22nd May

T

he amazing Kat Bjelland, formerly of Babes In Toyland, comes to Cardiff fronting a new line-up of Katastrophy Wife and on a very special tour.

The Ladyfest Tour is a non-profit charity event designed to celebrate and promote women in music.

Having already had a two day festival in Exeter showcasing the best in female talent, the best in riot grrrl wannabes have taken to the road.

The event originally took place in Olympia, Washington (home of Nirvana and riot grrrl) in 2000 and

has now spread across the world.

Girls in rock were once ten-apenny with Bikini Kill, L7 and Sleater-Kinney standing alongside the 90s grunge bands. Now, there seems to be a distinct lack of decent female rock bands - or maybe they’re just shamefully under-promoted. Hopefully this tour can help thrust women back into the limelight.

Tickets: £6 Tickets available from the union box office

In this issue of GRiP...

05:Games/ Web

Jump on the X-Men bandwagon

06: Music

Pack their tents and wellies in preparation for the festivals

12: Books

Fantasise over Sabriel, one of the best new novels of the genre

13: Film Go over all adult and experience some X-rated action

14: Arts Enjoy the company of badgers and Harry Hill

21: TV

For this issue only, dedicate their loosetongued ranting and raving to Nina Simone

03

GRiP

Union nights

and that the Crocketts had taken their shamed, silver faces off to some distant land, two them go and form another band! Unfortunately in the time taken to form The Crimea they still haven’t managed to become any good.

and special events.

Mondays Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free before 11, £1 after. (Due to Mogwai performing on 12th May, Fun is opening at 11pm.)

Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution. Officially billed as “the beginning of the weekend”, it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, making Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue.

Tuesdays Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Fancy a night off from loud bands and clubs? Try out this weekly night of much hilarity and wine.

Wednesdays

Live Music Monday 12/05 Focus + support @ Barfly 8pm, £10 If there is a genre of music to strike fear into your heart then it is probably Dutch prog-rock, which is exactly what Focus are. They had a couple of hits in the 1970s with Sylvia and Hocus Pocus, which were, in the prog-rock tradition, hugely overblown instrumentals.

Expect Barfly to run out of Grolsch by 8.30pm.

Gold Chains + Brave Captain + Random Number @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm, £6

Figure of 8 + Metosis + Donna Marie @ Toucan 8pm, £tbc Live music society gig.

Tuesday 13/05 Sourvein + Pale Horse + Omni @ Barfly 8pm, £5

Fridays Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3 Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night. Look out for future performances from similarly kitsch entertainment, in the same vein as the recent Cheeky Girls. On 16th May, the Sourz tour makes a stop and means promotions including £1 shots. And on the 23rd May there is fun to be had with the Red Bull Ducati team who bring with them a Ducati Superbike Simulator.

Go along for a ride. Fnarr Bluetones + support @ Bristol Fleece & Firkin 8pm, @12.50 Whenever a band like The Bluetones decide to do a small club tour in order to “connect with the fans”, I can’t help thinking that what they actually mean is that they can’t afford the bigger ones. The beginning of the end for The Bluetones? (Er, I think that happened a few years ago - Ed) The Apes + support @ TJ’s Newport 9pm, £tbc Superbly rollicking organ-fuelled madness straight outta Washington DC. “By turns instinctive, infectious and insane”, according to our very own Music Desk. Recommended.

Wednesday 14/05 Starski + Distant Sun + The Mutts @ Barfly 8pm, £4 Faster Pussycat + support @ MS1 Club 8pm, £14 Electric Eel Shock + Kennedy Soundtrack @ Bristol Fleece & Firkin 8pm, £5

Saturdays Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3 One of the UK’s top student night arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2.

Sunday Taf Quiz Usual format. Even the BBC’s autumn TV schedule doesn’t beat this! Sunday nights do tend to be incredibly boring so go test your knowledge and impress your mates. Don’t forget there is also the chance you could actually win and find yourself going home with a toastie maker or such like.

Although it maybe exam time and you are all working your little socks off, just remember that the union is still there saving you from the pressures of a hard days revision, whether you be celebrating or drowning your sorrows. Those bar people do such good work.

The Kennedy Soundtrack finally fall from grace into a place where they belong: supporting strange Japanese rock in a tiny club. The tidal wave of nu-metal upon which they rose to questionable heights has now subsided and thus they have fallen on their baggy trousered arses. Hahaha!

Thursday 15/05 Keane + The Danzy Jones + The Cut @ Barfly 8pm, £4 Simian + Polanski + The Room Orchestra @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £6 Gordon Giltrap + John Bilbrough @ Bristol Fleece & Firkin 8pm, £5 Tiny Elvis + VEXT @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £3 Imagine if this was actually a dwarf Elvis impersonator. Probably not though. Damn.

Friday 16/05 The Crimea + Pin Stripe Mafia + Kill Kenada @ Barfly 8pm, £5 Just when you thought it was safe

Small Victories + Sleeping Giants @ Barfly 8pm, £4 John Otway @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £8 Leftovercrack + F-Minus + 5 Knuckle @ MS1 Club 8pm, £7.50

Edgar Winter @ MS1 Club 8pm, £17

Fatman Swings + support @ Bristol Fleece & Firkin 8pm, £6 Where do they get these names from? I really shouldn’t find it that funny. Maybe I should get out more.

Norma Jean + Me Without You + Hurt Process @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £6 Norma Jean, please call your album Marilyn Monroe! Oh shit, I really think revision is going to my head.

Sunday 18/05

Shootin Goon + two supports @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £TBC Local ska band. Truly awful. It seems that some people think that when I describe a local band as “truly awful” I’m actually showing my poor knowledge of the punk scene and this band’s undoubted talent.

Well, before your emails come flooding in again I have actually seen this band and my analysis is correct, just as it was about Pete’s Sake.

Clearlake + The Delays @ Barfly 8pm, £5 McLusky + Jarcrew + support @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £6 McLusky’s never ending tour of Cardiff continues. Do they actually play anywhere else? We’re not complaining though.

The Misfits + support @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £10

Wednesday 21/05 Spoiler + Balck Swans + Dodgem @ Barfly 8pm, £5

Strung Out + support @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £6

The Sleepy Jackson + The Hidden Cameras @ Barfly 8pm, £6 The Hidden Cameras have fifteen members that all dress up in funny costumes. Think Moldy Peaches crossed with The Polyphonic Spree.

Monday 19/05

Red Top Matches + Blowfelt + Solar @ Bristol Fleece & Firkin 8pm, £4

Wayne Hussey @ MS1 Club 8pm, £10

Less Than Jake + support @ Great Hall 8pm, £10 See other page.

City Invasion Tour @ MS1 Club £15

Instruction + support @ Barfly 8pm, £5 Instruction have been formed by former members of Quicksand and Errortype11, subsequently creating something hard and loud. Posthardcore seems to be making inroads into mainstream rock, let’s hope it can herald the end of numetal, and fucking Nickelback.

Thursday 22/05 Katastrophy Wife + Hooker + Jylt + The Suffrajets @ Barfly 8pm, £6 See other page.

Friday 23/05 Neotokyo + support @ Barfly 8pm, £5

Saturday 24/05

ARE Weapons + support @ Barfly 8pm, £7.50 Active Member + support @ Barfly 7.30-11pm, £tbc Limehouse Lizzy + support @ MS1 Club 8pm, £11

Sunday 25/05 Erasure @ St David’s Hall 7.30pm, £20 St David’s Hall continue their run of gigs for the older generation.

Coming Up Thursday 29th May Shed 7 @ Great Hall £12.50 Hooray- indie Ed

Films on release in Cardiff...

Phone Booth Starring: Colin Farrell, Katie Holmes

25th Hour Starring: Ed Norton, Philip Seymour Hoffman

Russian Ark Starring: Sergei Dreyden, Maria Kuznetsova

Intacto Starring: Leonardo Sbaraglia, Monica Lopez

Tense, taut one-scene thriller with Farrell as a New York sleazeball publicist trapped in a phone booth at the mercy of a sniper’s gun.

Spike Lee’s latest sees a New York drug dealer about to go down casts his eye around his city, his friends and his family in search of redemption.

A virtuoso, one-take masterpiece chronicling the passion and drama of Russian history, from Catherine the Great to the fall of communism.

A breathtakingly good and original piece of cinema, revolving around ‘lucky’ individuals that test their good fortune dangerously to the max,in return for material gain.

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days Starring: Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey Rom-com dippiness, possibly satirising gender stereotypes.

Or not. McConaughey and Hudson are both yum, though.

Get There

Mogwai + Kling Klang @ Great Hall 7pm, £10 See other page.

promos and Hawaiian cocktail do on the 21st May, the Taf is featuring in this very special Union events box! Keep eyes peeled to see if this continues...

Descent @ Seren Las 9pm, £3/4/5 For all who want that little something different. Go early, doors are at 9pm. Said before, but will say it again, Descent is always a good night out and definitely worth trying. Go on. Get there!

Saturday 17/05

Tuesday 20/05

Cardiff’s listings in full

Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3 If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all the greatest hits from the 60s, 70s and 80s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle.

The Taf For new bar nights like the Mexican Nite, with Sol and Tequila

City Invasion Tour @ MS1 Club £15 A whole day of hardcore bands in a festival style event. Different line up plays on Sunday.

Dandy Warhols + support @ Bristol Academy 7.30pm, £14 The Dandy Warhols are back and with a whole lot more cash in the bank thanks to those people at Virgin. Apparently it hasn’t been spent wisely, as the new album is supposed to sound like Duran Duran.

04

et TCardiff’s herelistings in full

GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm.

Drum’n’bass DJs are promised in ultra student surroundings.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free before 10pm. Better than Creation.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and dance. Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night.

Hotel Yorba @ Barfly 10.30-2am, £2. DJs from Saturday’s Emerge night in Clwb. Music policy dubbed “indie/alternative”, and has been said to have a jolly nice atmosphere. Go after the bands have finished to dance the night away.

Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hip-hop/ pre-gangster rap/battle breaks/ electro-funk. Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in.

Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am, £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of vodka.

Superstition @ Moloko 9pm-2am.

A night of soul, Motown, 70s disco and nu-jazz. Sounds marvellous.

Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place.

Open til 1am just like most places.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and dance. Who’d have thought it?

YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm. I dread to think what this might entail.

Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 before 10.30pm. Skapunk night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun!

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJs.

Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm.

Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place though. It’s a shame that there’s no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average.

DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and funk in plush surroundings.

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba

9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval.

Soul, funk and old skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay venue. Student night. Certainly worth a look.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am, £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied, so I recommend a boycott!

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

80s Night @ Barfly Barfly parades its late license and introducing a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. She’ll die soon.

Have you made plans for the funeral?

Student Night @ Royworld The same as most other student nights I suspect, but with a shorter walk home than Clwb. Free to get in too.

Drunk as a Skunk @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay £15 3 bands, rock DJs and as much as you can drink and eat for one all inclusive price. It’s a long walk back from the Bay mind you!

Broken Beach, Light House @ Moloko Breakbeat and deep house.

Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and dance.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, breaks and drum’n’bass.

The best Moloko night? You decide.

Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R&B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Britpop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS. As if Britpop needed reviving with Space on the prowl.

Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature. Excellent night.

New Noise @ Metros 9pm-2am. New noise delivered from the mighty DJ xxxrated. Use your new monkey card for 99p on all bottles and other special drinks offers.

Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am, £1 entry. Dance music.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4.

R&B and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings.

One Mission DJs @ Royworld The new place on City Road that everyone’s talking about. Tonight the One Mission crew offer breaks and drum’n’bass. It’s all free too. You can even go ten pin bowling as well.

Fridays Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7.

The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop.

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live bands and rock/alternative DJs. One Mission DJs @ Royworld Like Thursday but on Friday.

Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and house out on the Bay. Quantize @ Club Vision Entry £5.

Brand new night of funk, tribal, progressive, and soul. Sounds very

eclectic and very cool. Go. And then let us know.

Cool House @ Emporium £8.

Excellent night that periodically returns to the city. Featured Radio 1’s Yousef in November if that gives you any idea.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Great new night at Clwb on the ground floor. Fun and frolics with a soundtrack of psychedelia and garage.

Funk 2 Funk @ Oz Bar Breaking away from its roots in stoner metal, Oz Bar launches a night of funked up tunes courtesy of the people at Plastic Raygun records, Cardiff’s biggest and best dance label.

Forward Motion @ Moloko Drinks promotions all night in the company of upbeat funk and party breaks.

Supafly @ The Retreat Free entry, from £1 a bottle. DJs Loveless and O’Neil play a selection of breaks, funk, hip-hop, chillout and lounge.

De-Luxe @ V Club 10pm-3pm. Free entry before 11.30pm. New night, with resident DJs Owain K (voted Best Up & Coming DJ 2002 @ WMA) and Chris Dixon.

Ice @ Bar Blue 10pm-3am, £5. Speed garage with DJs Dub Matt, Anton B, Che & Raheem. No trainers.

Saturdays Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. Six rooms, three floor balcony, games room and garden terrace. Well worth a look!

Funked Out @ Royworld If you don’t have a name for your night, I’ll invent one for you free of charge. So, there you have it funky breaks and hip-hop courtesy of Jimmy Love from Clwb. Free. Do I sound poor to anyone?

Indie night @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 before 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler.

Get there before 10pm with a flyer for free entry.

Play @ Moloko Happy party music!

Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS. Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike. Moving away slightly from its electroclash routes, and having added more indie and more hip-hop; seasoned as required.

L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US garage featuring guest DJs. Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Sugar & Spice @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3.

Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, smart dress.

If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house.

Saturdays Are Sexy @ RSVP £2 before 10pm, £3 after. R&B with resident DJ Raheem. Look out for monthly FEVA specials. Their most famous regular customer is Charlotte Church. Well, if ever there was a reason to go then I’m sure that’s it.

Sundays

Taxi @ Moloko The night that’s set to revitalise Moloko’s fortune with resident DJs from Higher Learning and Carnival

to offer music from around the world. Last hour features Soca music only; the rest of the night mixes Latin, hip-hop, Bollywood and bhangra, to mention just a few genres!

Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of guest DJs. Chilled American House @ Royworld Free, as usual.

Chris Evans leads the proceedings.

Feva @ Creation £10, 9pm-3am, Sunday 25 May, R&B with Raheem and Echo plus special guests. No trainers.

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps you’re a DJ spinning the decks or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Similarly if there’s event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know and we’ll replace it with something equally exciting.

Sport Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk) Ah, the football season has come to its end. But do not despair: Cardiff are in the Division Two playoffs and may make a grand return to Cardiff only at the Millennium Stadium.

Cardiff Rugby (www.cardiffrfc.com) vs Llanelli Friday 23 May, KO 7.05pm The football may be over but at least we have the rugby for a few more weeks.

Glamorgan Cricket vs Gloucestershire Sunday 18 May The sport of kings returns for the summer. It really is the best sport in the world; what other sport allows you to sit around from 11am drinking yourself into a mild coma, eh? And then they make it last five days!

Fantastic! This is only a one day match though, but go and try it out and return for the tests.

Arts Symphony Orchestra of Royal Welsh College Music and Drama @ St David’s Hall Friday 16 May, 7.30pm, £6 Howard Williams will conduct Elgar’s Symphony No 1.The programme will also include a performance by an award winnerfrom the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama.

BBC National Orchestra and Chorus of Wales @ St David’s Hall Thursday 22 May, 7.30pm, £7.50£17.50 Brahm’s Majestic Requiem.

Welsh National Opera @ New Theatre Saturday 17, Friday 23 May and Wednesday 4 June, 6.30pm Jephtha by Handel New production sung in English Cast includes Mark Padmore, Christopher Purves, Susan Bickley and Daniel Taylor. Conducted by Paul McCreesh.

Tuesday 27th, Saturday 31th May & Friday 6th June, 7.15pm La Bohéme by Puccini Sung in Italian with English subtitles.

Cast includes David Kempster, JaeChul Bae and Timothy Mirfin.

Thursday 5th & Saturday 7th

June, 7.15pm Don Giovanni by Mozart Sung in Italian with English subtitles.

Cast includes Neal Davies, Geraldine McGreevy, Garry Magee and Catrin Wyn-Davies.

Conducted by Tugan Sokhiev.

Societies Chaplaincy Society Meets every Wednesday at 5.30pm in the Ecumenical Chaplaincy, 20-22 North Road. Our weekly meetings offer a time for debate, discussion and reflection in an open and safe environment. We always try to do new and exciting things, but we always start off the night with food. If you want to know more about the society come along, or email coburnj@cardiff.ac.uk.

Bhagavad Gita: The Song of God An informal discussion on this ancient scripture, exploring the key themes and issues and how they may be applied in our everyday lives. Every Wednesday and Thursday on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union. For more details contact Jedi on joshiz@cf.ac.uk.

Everyone welcome!

Gair Rhydd Society Listings Society Contact Details.

Acappella Music Society Acappellas@cf.ac.uk Act One (drama Society) ActOne@cf.ac.uk African Caribbean Society Africancaribbean@cf.ac.uk AIESEC - Aiesec1@cf.ac.uk Alt and Shift (Students against social injustice) AltandShift@cf.ac.uk Archaeology - Archaelogy@cf.ac.uk AssJacks - Assjacks@cf.ac.uk BangladeshStudents BangladeshStudents@cf.ac.uk Business Careers Businesscareers@cf.ac.uk Cathsoc - Catholics@cf.ac.uk Chinese Students and Scholars ChineseStudents@cf.ac.uk Christian Union Christian_Union@cf.ac.uk Communication Society Communication@cf.ac.uk Conservative - Consfuture@cf.ac.uk Debating - Cardiffdebate@cf.ac.uk Duke of Edinburgh DofEs@cf.ac.uk Earthsoc - Earthsoc@cf.ac.uk East African Society EastAfricanSociety@cf.ac.uk English - EnglishSociety@cf.ac.uk French - FrenchSociety@cf.ac.uk Hellenic - Hellenics@cf.ac.uk Hindu - HSFC@cf.ac.uk Indie - Indie@cf.ac.uk Islamic - CUIS@cf.ac.uk Italian SocietyItalianSociety@cf.ac.uk Labour - Labourclub@cf.ac.uk Law - LawSociety@cf.ac.uk Liberal Democrats LiberalDems@cf.ac.uk Live Music - LiveMusic@cf.ac.uk Merry Meet (pagan) MerryMeet@cf.ac.uk Navigators - Navigators@cf.ac.uk Nigerian Students - NigerianStudents@cf.ac.uk Oddsoc - Oddsoc@hotmail.com Photographic Society PhotographicSociety@cf.ac.uk Politics - PoliticsSociety@cf.ac.uk Psychology - Psychology@cf.ac.uk RAG - RAG@cf.ac.uk Real Ale - RealAles@cf.ac.uk STAR (action for refugees) STAR@cf.ac.uk Xpress Radio - Xpress@cf .ac.uk

You see this space here? This is what needs filling! All you societies must be having some kind of event going on and we want to know about it!

If you are involved in any of the societies listed above and you have an event/meeting coming up then email gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com and we shall post it on this very page.

05

GRiP

Not another Metal Gear clone S

The great Games/web caption competition!

o it’s an idea thats been done before; who cares?

Not me. I’m gonna do it anyway. This week we have tapped random words into google and this little beauty spouted out. For your chance to win a mystery prize simply come up with the funniest and

SPLINTER CELL [PS2, Cube, X-Box, GBA, PC] Ubi Soft

F

ashion is a fickle thing.

One minute everything is in, the next it’s out.

Same goes for games. Once a new game has success with a new format a dozen games like it are not far behind. So is Splinter Cell another clinger on to the Metal Gear Solid bandwagon? Good God no.

Our hero is Sam Fisher, a special operations soldier tasked with anti-terrorism duties. The plot is eerily topical. The president of a disgruntled former Soviet republic launches a terrorist attack on the USA knocking out the power grid. He plans to follow this up by dropping

a ‘dirty bomb’ - and this is where you, as Fisher, come into the picture. Cue cut scene. The gameplay itself makes a refreshing change from the Metal Gear series.

Any noise you make will alert a guard and they can find you in the shadows. This is primarily a sneaking game and the evasion element

T

his guy definitely has issues. Mainly down to the torture of the military grafting adamantium on to his entire spine. Yeah, that’ll do it.

With fists clenched and blades shimmering Wolverine is out for revenge. A long dormant virus from his experiment days

left with 48 hours to find the cure. The action starts fast with the escape from the base acting as a warm up tutorial mission. It’s like a beat-em-up but not: it’s much more evolved than that. This is a fight with depth for a change. More

www.equestonline.co.uk

I

n my opinion, Cardiff town centre is only good for alcohol and fast food these days. Walking through the centre, I find very few of the shops interest me, and when I am drawn into one I actually like, I am normally disappointed that nothing catches my eye or that it is too expensive. So apart from getting beered up or stuffing my face with fat what else can be done in Cardiff?

One option is Equest, which offers a change from the normal routine around town. It is a gaming centre full with about forty computers and some Xbox consoles with a blisteringly fast connection to the internet. While this might not appeal to the masses it is certainly not for the stereotypical computer geeks either. Anyone who simply enjoys playing computer games will find a good entertaining evening playing

This week’s charts Playstation 2

X-Box

1: Splinter Cell See above 2: X-Men 2: Wolverine See above 3: Ghost Recon Who ya gonna call?

4: Devil May Cry 2 Demonic sequel 5: FIFA 2003 Anyone for TIF2?

6: Tiger Woods 2003 Golf update 7: The Sims Taking over 8: GTA: Vice City Flying off the shelves 9: Mortal Kombat Finish him 10:Dynasty Warriors 3 Samurai update

1: Burnout 2 Racing 2: Halo Who still buys this?

3: Bloodrayne No idea 4: Ghost Recon No, not him 5: The Sims Them again 6: Taofeng Bless you 7: Splinter Cell See above 8: Indiana Jones Classic 9: Star Wars: Clone Wars Cloned game 10:Metal Gear Solid 2 Best of the year

PC-CD ROM Game Cube 1: Champ Manager 4 Pure class 2: Vietcong No-score draw 3: Sims Deluxe It’s for special 4: C&C Generals New battle sim 5: Horse race manager Have a guess 6: Devastation Optimistic innit?

7: Splinter Cell See above 8: Sims Unleashed Still 9: Raven Shield Animal Cruelty 10:Tropico 2 Meh

1: Legend of Zelda Classic 2: Metroid Prime Sci-fi shooter 3: Super Smash Bros No, not the pop group 4: Super Monkey Ball 2 Pure genius 5: Mario Sunshine Sunny plumbing 6: Tiger Woods 2003 Hit ball, walk, repeat 7: Luigi’s Mansion Is big and nice 8: Resident Evil Zero Seen the movie 9: The Sims For a change 10:Bomberman 2 Osama?

the latest games on top-end PCs against their mates or people from the four corners of the globe. For those who want to prove that they are the best at a particular game they can enter in various tournaments that take place every Sunday.

Plus, Equest is a member of the VGA, an alliance between the all the biggest gaming centres around the UK offering nationwide tournaments with some great prizes.

At this present time, they do not offer a student discount, but the hourly rates are cheap and by simply mentioning this article Equest have agreed to let you have the first hour for free. With its central location on Bridge Street near the UGC cinema, it could not be easier to check this entertainment centre out.

For more details, just go to www.equestonline.co.uk - see you there!

Diccon Jones

Coming soon...

Well, here’s the pre-exam panic. Cometh the hour cometh the last minute cramming. What better time to go out and grab a piece of digital escapism? OK, maybe after exams makes more sense but never mind. Good luck to one and all, we’ll see you in the pub for a pint.

To contribute to the games and web fun send us an electronic mail to gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com or visit the greenhouse on the 4th floor of the union. Baking hot it is.

Our thanks go out to GAME on Queen Street and St David’s Arcade, as always, for their continued support in supplying the charts for us.

Games/web

X-MEN 2: WOLVERINE’S REVENGE has reared its [PS2] ugly head and Activision Wolverine is

than that it’s an X Man, which just simply rules. Go see the film then play this game. It’s so much fun it’s untrue. Work out that exam aggression in a safe environment. Steve Jackson

More than alcohol and takeaway?

reviews

This guy has issues

shows devotion to realism.

The level design is slightly too linear although a variety of ways to navigate the levels exist. Save points ensure that you have got to play the game in chunks - and uneven chunks at that, ranging from gaps of two minutes to twenty. A massive innovation from Ubi Soft is the beautiful use of light and shadows.

Rays pour through open windows and cast crystal clear shadows behind Fisher.

Dark plays a key as a hiding place too.

This game is not just another sneak-em-up but a giant leap in games design.

This is a must for any collection. Just don’t fly in guns blazing. You just won’t last. Chris Pietryka

most original caption for this pic and send it to us by email to gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com and give us your name. The winner will be notified by email and get their name and caption into the next issue of gair rhydd. Get thinking kids.

06

Musialbums c

GRiP

PICK OF THE REST AN PIERLE Helium Sunset Helicopter Pitched somewhere between the gothic gravitas of Nick Cave and the dramatic intensity of Tori Amos, Belgian singer-songwriter An Pierle is an intriguing proposition. This is an impressive start: though nothing’s as impressive as Pierle’s live deconstruction of Are "Friends" Electric?, Helium Sunset’s piano-driven art rock has more than enough original touches to catch the ear, with modernist, discordant melodies and moodily tangential lyrics proving to be particular Pierle fortes. Highlights are the sinuous longing of As Sudden Tears Fall and Sister’s frenetic cello riff, both of which are reasons enough to acquire the album.

Alex Macpherson

★★★★

FOUR TET Rounds Domino Following on from 2001’s classic Pause LP Kieran Hebden has returned with another journey into his beautiful musical soundscapes. More refined than its predecessors, openers Hands and the single She Move She quickly set the tone with their delicious melodies and spiralling beats. The crystalline beauty of My Angel Rocks Back And Forth and the slowly unwinding majesty of Unspoken unlock doors to sunfilled childhood memories, seemingly performed by the ghosts of yesteryear.

Pinnacle of the album is the harp-led And They All Look Broken Hearted whose luscious melody slowly fractures your heart into a thousand tiny pieces. Equally innovative and timeless, breathtaking and deeply moving, Rounds is an absolute treasure to listen to.

Magnificent. Andy Parsons

★★★★

NIGHTMARES ON WAX Late Night Tales Whoa Records More chill-up than chill-out, George Evelyn - aka Nightmares On Wax - moves us between the laid-back, with the strolling ska beats of DJ Fietchie’s Midnight Marauders, the funky, with Quincy Jones’ Listen (What It Is) and even Dusty Springfield’s Spooky providing a touch of down right cool. Other high points include Tom Scott’s Sneakin’ In The Back (sampled on Massive Attack’s Blue Lines) and a little bit of funky je ne sais quoi in the form of Cortex’s La Rue. A great compilation with rarely a dull moment, ideal for those hazy summer nights when all you want to do is just sit back and start rolling. Rob Jackson

★★★★

Album of the fortnight YEAH YEAH YEAHS Fever To Tell Dress Up!/ Polydor Smart, sassy and superb are only some of the many positive adjectives that could be used to describe the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs lusty long player. Surrounded by hype and fierce expectations, Karen O and her boys deliver an exceptionally cool album.

If random ‘fuck you’ beats and the sound of Miss O having multiple orgasms are your cup of cocoa then this album is going to rock your socks to Timbuctoo and back again.

With the help of world famous producer Alan Moulder (Nine Inch Nails, Smashing Pumpkins to name but a few) the raw intensity of the YYYs live is reflected with perfect precision on Fever To Tell with a little bit of oomph for added aural pleasure. The album is at times playful (Tick, Pin) and reflective (Y Control, Modern Romance) but at all times is dangerously sexy. It’s a dynamic and downright dirty debut - You’ll love it.

Gemma Jones

★★★★★

Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Sex on a stick

Crazy, Sexy, Cool

THE BURN Sally O’Mattress Hut Dear The Burn, I am writing to inform you that unfortunately, Madchester is dead (see: folding of the Hacienda and Factory Records; 24 Hour Party People; Shawn Ryder DJing at Fun Factory). In light of this information, I would like to express my extreme displeasure at your rather tasteless attempt to resurrect it (particularly in this shabby cowboy costume, and with these lyrics; have you no shame?). Please, for the sake of decency, and failing that, for the sake of our suffering ears, stop this charade.

Sincerely, Will Turnpenny

★★ ROYAL CITY Alone At The Microphone Rough Trade Royal City are an interesting country beat combo. Opener Bad Luck, a sublime acoustic strum married to world weary vocals and lyrics, is the highlight of this record.

Meanwhile, the rest of the album is a mixture of fey acoustic country ditties allied to dark tales of regret. This is epitomised by the song Spacey Basement, with lines like “under here/there is darkness in every corner.” By the end of this pleasant album it dawns on me that Royal City could be the alt.country version of Belle & Sebastian. Bill Cummings

★★★

TEN GRAND This Is The Way To Rule Southern Ten Grand haven’t quite mastered the way to rule but they have amassed a natty line in cool song titles. It’s a bit of a surprise when I Will Seriously Pay You To Shut Up and This Isn’t Heaven, This Sucks aren’t tongue-in-cheek punk-pop; instead, Ten Grand deliver good, pounding emo. Not a second of this album’s 32 minutes is wasted on excess.

It’s all dissonant textures, dynamic breakdowns, frenetic build-ups, and to-the-point songwriting. I’d happily wager a

big wad of cash that all of the band, their friends, and all their mums and dads own copies of Repeater, but hey - there are much worse places to find inspiration. Now can someone tell me why emo bands all sing in that funny voice? Mat Croft

★★★ LISA-LEE DARK Asia VIP International Brrr. Scary local tranny ‘does’ tinny, low quality covers of random dance songs, from disco classics like I Feel Love to, er, Robert Miles nonclassics like One And One. You’ll laugh, then you’ll cry.

Sasha Bitchkova zero stars

FULC Biting Insomnia Stunted Big riffs, stuttering rhythms and angst-ridden lyrics are not things you would expect a four piece from sunny Scunthorpe.

Well on their debut Biting Insomnia Fulc deliver all of these in spades, sounding like the love child of Guns ‘n’ Roses and early Feeder. Highlights include the building My Vitriol rock of Taken Guilty, and Nest’s pleading, guitar driven chorus. Elsewhere the fragile building Drawn Out and its lines such as “I got the sense knocked out of me, in a scarred boy never fighting free” shows the band’s sensitive side. This is a solid - if unspectacular and uninspiring - album from a band sounding at home with an American angst rock sound.

Bill Cummings

★★

you jump-start my serotonin.”

Upbeat turns into quiet introspection with Meanwhile, At The Bar, A Drunkard Muses, sounding exactly as the title suggests, before falling into the pounding drone of Fucking Little Bastards, a deprived epic (“They’ve seen me in the shower with shite down my legs”) which blossoms into crashing guitars and strings, one of those magical moments they are so good at producing.

Who Named The Days, a homage to warped friendship, flows with slowly glistening guitars, sombre cellos and trademark Scotch drawl, whilst Loch Leven Intro and Loch Leven form a modern Scottish folk song.

Typically downcast but typically brilliant, Monday At The Hug And Pint confirms that as long as they don’t cheer up, Arab Strap still have it in them.

Misery never sounded so good.

Rob Jackson

★★★★

THE PLUS NOMINATION The Plus Nomination Floppy Cow The Plus Nominations trade on the memory of a more youthful Weezer and their use of scuzzy distortion and melodic touches. Tracks like The Favery Song and Mixtapes bathe in waves of distortion and harmonic melody. But the lack of variation and subtlety throughout the album does begin to bore, and only the acoustic segments of Buildings And Streets hint at a more original style. An average record that doesn’t really stand out from the plethora of similar alt-rock groups.

Bill Cummings

★★ ARAB STRAP Monday At The Hug And Pint Chemikal Underground

VENUS HUM Big Beautiful Sky BMG

Messieurs Moffat and Middleton look like they’re gunning to form a miserabilist supergroup as they are joined

by Mogwai and Conor Oberst (aka Bright Eyes) on this, their fifth studio album outing.

The uncharacteristically upbeat The Shy Retirer sees the ‘Strap immediately back to clever lyric form: “You know that I’m always moaning, but

Finally, the beauty and grace of the delightful Venus Hum has reached LP form.

Consisting of 12 snippets of pure sunshine stitched together with splendid pastoral imagery and a twinkle of starlight makes this album a definite must for all tranquil, chill-out loving types. Tracks like Bella Luna and Hummingbirds tug at the heartstrings and relax the

mind with their soft melodies and passionate vocals. Big Beautiful Sky really is an album for reflecting on the Earth’s beauty, and Venus Hum are definitely a band set for bigger and better things.

Gemma Jones

★★★★

FALLACY Blackmarket Boy Virgin Bold and ambitious debut by this rising star from the London circuit. There’s no other way to describe it - Black Market Boy is all over the shop, from the poppy single Big ‘N Bashy to the blatant drum ‘n bass of Scrunch, with the whole garage/R&B spectrum covered in between. It doesn’t quite work at times - Fallacy’s vocal style just isn’t interesting enough to pull off some of the more conventional tracks - but there’s enough innovation on display here to make this worth a look for anyone with a passing interest in urban music. Gareth Lloyd

★★★

JT MOUSE Clusters Shellshock/FFvinyl The debut album from the Cardiff acoustic funsters with a penchant for telling tall tales and generally being bizarre, Clusters finds JT Mouse in typically quirky form. If you needed any convincing that there is the odd screw loose among them, opening track Don’t Fuck With Pandas jauntily deals with a particularly violent beating at the hands of a panda with a grudge, whilst Cairo is a strolling complaint about the lack of decent shops in the Egyptian capital which develops into a shouted rant.

An album with more than an edge of schizophrenia to it, Sundrenched Torso is a floating dreamy Travis-esque number that drips with summer laziness, by contrast, Cunxt Weds is a fist-to-face of driving guitars and yelped vocals.

Enjoyable musically and entertaining lyrically, Clusters is a showcase of too often ignored local talent that is well worth checking out.

Rob Jackson

★★★★

19 BURNING BRIDES Fall Of The Plastic Empire V2 Burning Brides are the American duo Dimitri Coats on twiddling guitars and gruff vocals and Melanie Campbell on bass. On each track they come up with a derivative unoriginal, dull rock formula that veers between dull garage rock on opening track Plank Of Fire and the poor man’s Foo Fighters rock of Arctic Snow.

The most cringe worthy moment comes on If I’m A Man with its silly Doors-esque rhythms and a poetry monologue in the middle eight. Overall, the kind of clichéd nonsense rock that makes me hope the garage rock party is over; personally, it’s giving me a headache. Bill Cummings

★

CHRIS ROBINSON New Earth Mud Wagram/Redline A bit of a departure from the Black Crowes usual territory of gutsy Allman Brothers/Lynyrd Skynyrd style southern rock for frontman Chris Robinson’s first solo album, and not particularly for the better. Heading instead for funk meets ballad, New Earth Mud is a mediocre Black Crowes-lite effort, a slow collection of fairly forgettable retro gubbins topped off here and there by a touch of Harrison-style guitar solo or Joel sax.

The ‘highlight’ is the plodding bluesy funk of Sunday Sound, but it’s almost instantly cancelled out by the nauseating Katie Dear, written for his other half Kate Hudson. A disappointing album, New Earth Mud finds Chris Robinson less Black Crowe, more great tit.

Rob Jackson

★★

THE APES Oddeyesee Frenchkiss It’s not an album which starts well: a hideously messy intro, followed by a song which sounds like The Coral and

GRiP the Happy Mondays having a punch-up over a broken Wurlitzer. Once such selfindulgence is out of the way, though, Washington DC’s Apes turn in a rollicking set of organ-fuelled madness.

By turns instinctive, infectious and insane, listening to Oddeyesee is like being trapped in a mental asylum with only The Rapture and Tom Waits for company. The Apes: they’re the monkey and the organ grinder all in one.

Alex Macpherson

★★★★

ULTIMATE FAKEBOOK Open Up And Say Awesome Floppy Cow For an at-a-glance indication of Ultimate Fakebook’s musical direction, take a look at the guest spots on Open Up...: members of The Get Up Kids, The Descendants and Reggie & The Full Effect all get their oars in here. This is solid melodic punk rock with an undeniable whiff of Weezer, and it’s difficult not to get drawn in when you’ve got hooks ‘n harmonies as catchy as these. Drop by the diner, say hi to Ralph Malph and The Fonz, then take your favourite girl out to Makeout Point in your red Cadillac for the full Ultimate Fakebook experience. Gareth Lloyd

★★★★

DAMIEN RICE O 14th Floor Records Damien Rice is the latest in an unending line of young men clutching acoustic guitars and a copy of Jeff Buckley’s Grace, and he’s got his lines down pat. The chords are all in the right places - Rice’s melodies are sweet without being twee, understated but still memorable - and the arrangements strike the right balance between spare and ambitious, with tasteful strings and interesting percussion augmenting the acoustic-and-voice combination. Yet there’s a nagging sense that Rice is playing to the gallery more than anything else.

O is a touch too self-satisfied, with the post-modern touches - an incorporation of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You here, a bitchy reworking of Silent Night there - tilted too far towards cleverclever rather than genius. Rice revels in his own talent at the expense of his album’s emotional core, which is something of a pity. Alex Macpherson

★★★

TOMAHAWK Mit Gas Ipecac

all the so called ‘new innovators’.

Recent projects with Mos Def and Kings Of Convenience’s Erland Øye have hinted towards the pop chart future of Herren’s work. Better catch the genius at work now then, before he runs away with the game completely.

Andy Parsons

★★★★

THE DIPLOMATS Diplomatic Immunity Roc-A-Fella

Why Tomahawk have gone largely unnoticed is strange, considering they’ve toured with the likes of Tool and the band is made up of some of the best known rock musicians on the scene - the ever-peculiar Mike Patton on vocals, Duane Dennison (Jesus Lizard) on guitars, Kevin Rutmanis (Melvins) on bass and John Stainer (Helmet) on drums.

Mit Gas is distinctly more eclectic and kooky than their self-titled debut, but still maintains that heavy edge which will keep fans and newcomers alike enthralled. Doubly so, if you’re a Patton fan, you’re bound to go giddy over it.

Sebastian Swift

★★★★

Obvious gangster rap by numbers stuffed full of guns, hos, drugs and chipmunk-style speeded up samples from a group whose idea of diplomacy is to shoot the shit out of you if you run into their car. It’s the usual violent guff, extolling the virtues of guns one minute, paying homage to fallen brothers the next. It’s not rocket science to connect the two, but Cam’ron did drop out of school in the first grade (as he proudly tells us on I Love You), which perhaps explains the oversight. Hip-hop and rap can be an amazingly powerful musical medium if you’ve got a story to tell, but listening to this arrogant, self-absorbed dumb cliché is worse than having your teeth pulled. Rob Jackson zero stars

PREFUSE 73 One Word Extinguisher Warp Records

GODSMACK Faceless Universal Island

Though every popular music magazine may be hailing The Neptunes and 50 Cent as the future of hip-hop, true believers should look no further than Atlanta’s Scott Herren. Although not a rapper himself, Scott, on his second album under the moniker Prefuse 73, has further developed the digital cut and paste hip hop style pioneered on his debut LP Vocal Studies And Uprock Narratives.

Far more melodic than his previous work; filled with humour, style, attitude and most importantly good beats, One Word Extinguisher is a slap in the face to its competitors and a wake up call for

What’s this, then? Is it sub-Linkin Park/Papa Roach nu-metal? Or a bunch of Metallica-worshipping wannabe old skoolers? If chugging guitars and endless lyrical self-indulgency float your boat, then you too can spend hours pondering this question. There’s not much good to be said for Faceless, even for a convicted metal fanatic – these twelve tracks are devoid of emotion, pacing or anything approaching a hook.

These guys drew their name from an old Alice In Chains track, and their music is a pale imitation in itself. Avoid.

Gareth Lloyd

★

Best of the recently released MATT ELLIOTT The Mess We Made Domino

HIM Love Metal BMG Over a year and a half in the making, the glorious romantic-goths known simply as HIM return to top form with

★★★

ADAM MASTERSON One Tale Too Many BMG/Gravity Adam Masterson wants to tell you a story. It features a little bit of joy, plenty of sorrow and some of the lushest arrangments you’ll hear outside of a Spiritualized record. A solid mixture of Bryter Later Nick Drake, Van Morrison (probably due to being attached to Van’s long standing Producer Mick Glossop) and a hint of Bob Dylan at his finest means that One Tale Too Many sounds reassuringly familiar while also stimulating and invigorating.

Perhaps the most startling part of this record is that Adam is only the tender age of 22 whilst there is a depth and quality in his voice and work which hints at a much more world-weary soul. A remarkable debut and a story that deserves to be heard.

Andy Parsons

★★★

Music

★★★★

their playful mix up of sounds from drum rolls to hymns means that their record is perfect for those voids between mealtimes, and certainly more interesting than the office.

Kathryn Archer

albums

The return of the man formally known as Third Eye Foundation sees Matt exploring the worlds of loss and regret with stunning results. Although initial listens may disorientate rather than amaze, let the layers of music slowly wash over you and gradually a subtle, understated gem of a record emerges.

Incorporating musical boxes, child-like piano and a drunken chorus of sailors The Mess We Made veers away from the breakbeat driven style of Matt’s early work in favour of minimalistic majesty. When the beats do finally appear on centrepiece The Mess We Made their presence adds yet more eeriness to an already disquieting listen.

A marvellously introspective and touching album and a perfect antidote to all this cheery summer nonsense.

Andy Parsons

and tranquillity. However the end product this, their fourth album. These 10 wellleaves a lot to be desired, coming across crafted tunes show Valo and company as an aimless meander through Yuka at their darkest best, with love song and Yoshimi’s back garden whilst after love song of beautiful misery someone impersonates birdcalls and delivered with astonishing intensity and another bangs a large metal pole sensitivity. Fans of their previous work repeatedly. will be delighted For anally retentive readers of with these new “experimental” section of The tunes as will Wire only. Andy Parsons newcomers, who have been ★★ enchanted by recent single Buried Alive By REVOLVO Love which Killing Time Between featured Natural Meals Born Killers star Tummy Touch Juliette Lewis in the video, Revolvo are Stuart and Tim directed by who, bored with the office, massive HIM fan HIM: Valo making pansy goths look cool decided to make music while Bam Margera of they were skiving, Killing Time…

Jackass fame. A generally fab all-round being the result. The album, which album. Gemma Jones echoes Lemon Jelly’s sometimes ★★★★ original and sometimes just silly messing with samples has lots of ideas.

Nimmo bobs along with an overdose of YOSHIMI AND YUKA slide guitar, whilst Knocking Shop is all Flower With No Colour brass and loads of bass. Best of the Ipecac bunch is probably the title track which develops into something with a bit of A pastoral collaboration between atmosphere.

Yoshimi of The Boredoms and Yuka Revolvo have got a long way to go Honda of Cibo Matto should have before they can be considered along resulted in a blissful exploration of peace with more inspired electronic music, but

08

GRiP

Dreaming of you

usiclive

on

Photo: Simon Shoulders

THE CORAL The Great Hall

The Coral : cheeky chappies largin’ it

BALLBOY Twisted By Design @ Dempseys Upstairs at Dempseys at the utterly fantastic Twisted by Design Club, is the exactly sort of quirky but quaint location a band like Ballboy were born to play.

Now a debut album and a smattering of excellent EP’s into their career, and still maintaining the midas touch of recognisability by being “championed by John Peel”, the sardonic four piece can now get away with essentially greatest hits sits, which not only pleases the crowds, but also shows off their colours.

From the Half Man Half Biscuit pogo of “Avant Garde Music” right through to an un-twee’d Belle and Sebastian rendition of Sex is Boring and a motionless, stark and positively beautiful reworking of Born in the USA as an antiwar inference are mere highlights.

Singer Gavin is suitably gangly and humourously Self-depricating, keyboardist Katie looks at people intreguingly without warning. The indie masses swish around to I Hate Scotland, possibly Ballboy’s crowning glory to date, hinting at much more than just mastering the three minute pop song and proving they’re the masters of also: the riff, the spoken word section, the rhythm and the outtro. Taking tonights performance and also recent material from Saloon, The Future Bible Heroes and The Hidden Cameras, would it be so wrong to suggest a revival of indie disco’s wonderful twisted and bitter soul? If there’s a god...

John Widdop

PARADISE LOST/KILLING MIRANDA MS1 Club The chance to see the band that started the gothic-metal genre, Paradise Lost, in the comfort and superb acoustics of MS1 was enough to convince me that this was a better option than what i was going to do this evening-go out with my girl…

Even if Killing Miranda were extremely cheesy, they were tightly rehersed and had their moments, as well as far too much rock cliche. To be taken seriously, they should rid themselves of song titles (such as the requested) Teenage Vampire. They entertained, little else.

Paradise Lost were stunningly good this evening. Promoting material from the latest album Symbol of life, was obviously high on the agenda-evident when a band enters the stage playing the first track of a new LP. A thorough mix of ‘new’, Small Town Boy, Mystify, and ‘old’, One Second, Say Just Words, was beautifully incorporated with a sound this evening that was punchy as

Sea shanties, white soul and drugs; that’s what’s made The Coral one of Britain’s brightest bands, soaring from a Barfly jaunt to a Great Hall spectacular that could sell out three times over, that’s if the constant ticket haggling that dominates Cathays for the previous week is anything to go by. Forget seducing the nation’s mothers with wimpy lighterwavers as a route to success, these boys have got power in them songs. Just listen to James Skelly’s voice; each note a bellow of slap-bang perfection that would convince the blind he’s a nine foot tall ‘brotha’. They play the classics.

They’ve only released one album, but yes, they have classics. Shedloads. Like Dreaming of You and Shadows Fall, which itself could convince an entire Student’s Union to shaft rings through their ears, amputate one of their legs, replace the void with a slab of wood then set sail on a psychedelic voyage to Barry Island armed with only a bag full of dope and The Coral’s timeless tunes of hazy discovery looping in their head until they get the munchies and come home. This is a wonderful thing. An extended jam interlude during the otherwise capillary-blowing Goodbye is the only dull stain, all else enthrals, new material blooms with crackpot creativity and if they didn’t already everyone present knows that it is The Coral who are holding the torch aloft for everything that’s great about music, life, and the whole damn world. Jamie Fullerton well as pitch-perfect. This was a lesson for how live music should be performed.

Along with the likes of In Flames and Dimmu Borgir; Paradise Lost are one of the few that are going to shape the future of metal and if tonight is anything to go by, that future looks very bright indeed. Rich ‘D.P’ Moore

BURNING BRIDES /WINNEBAGO DEAL / SWEARING AT MOTORISTS Barfly Raised presumably by Yaks in the lo-fi plains of Ohio, incredibly ugly two-piece Swearing at Motorists whack and shimmy splattered folk-punk songs like no other. And whilst their testifying and caterwauling isn’t exactly the “two-man Who” they repeatedly insist, it’s excellent for those lacking some Lou Barlow in their lives.

Winnebago Deal are completely stupid. Totally no brained Waynes-World stoner punk-belters strip the audiences beards from a hundred paces. Both people in the band are called Ben, both look like neolithic Iron Maiden fans, and have a plethora of growly songs which simultaneously grunt Risky Business!

Whiskey Business and “Take no shit is my philosophy!” like Alec Empire if he was in Monster Magnet and are the most repulsively enthralling live band trawling the country right now.

Leading us all to the inevlitable path that is The Burning Brides, who differ from the other two bands, in that they have three people making a racket this time, and also that they are totallysuperdupermegaultra crap.

Losers. Oh, the bassist is thin and she looks like a vomitously thin PJ Harvey?

Get Lost. The only saving grace is that the drummer could impersonate American College “gross out” movie stars for a living. If only he wasn’t currently redifing mediocre for the 15th time in as many songs in such a stupifyingly bad rock band.

John Widdop

THE PREFERRED METHOD OF MOVEMENT The Model Inn, Cardiff A quiet hush descends upon the intimate Model Inn. “We’re the Preferred Method of Movement, and we’re here to entertain you tonight,” announces singer Jason Draper, casually hinting at what’s ahead.

The Cardiff-based five-piece get the party started with Gather Round, a funkfuelled stomper of a track that sets the pace for the evening. From the outset there’s plenty of movement on stage, but it’s Draper’s unique persona that

demands the audience’s attention. With his long, lank hair and faded suit jacket he leaps around the stage and gyrates on the floor like a man who’s just downed a pint of testosterone.

Highlights include I Wanna Get With You which climaxes with a rousing unaccompanied harmony from bassist Fred Gillham and drummer Dave Robertson, and saxophonist Lewis Forder’s breathless input on, well, pretty much every track.

When Draper gets intimate with the floor once again during Superfreaks even the most miserable punters are grinning. The band leave the stage with the words, “We want you as a new recruit” ringing in our ears. After tonight they’ve undoubtedly acquired some more. Howard Calvert

Canadian quartet swiftly run through their new album to the rapture of the newly glammed Karen O-alikes down at the front. However the more discerning listener might easily notice the superiority of the bands earlier material over that of their debut album.

In fact only Bandages, Naked In The City Again and encore stunner Aveda truly stand out from their new record live tonight. Still the kids lap it up eagerly and who can blame them when the band perform with so much vigour and heart. A promising start indeed, but next time the welcome may not be quite as warm if the substance is not there to support it. Andy Parsons

SUGABABES/ 3RD EDGE Bristol Academy

On record – last year’s astonishing Street Dad LP in particular – New York’s Out Hud deal in layered, ambient, dubby instrumentals. It’s potent, compelling stuff: breathtakingly ambitious on a purely sonic level, but shot through with healthy doses of humour and humanity.

Live, they turn this proposition squarely on its head. There are vocals, for one thing, and not just subtly placed melisma.

Keyboardist Phyllis Forbes takes the mic with aplomb, and spits out halfrapped, half-sung lyrics with strength and soul; the effect is akin to Imani Coppola fronting the Tom Tom Club, hiphop attitude kicking techno geekery into touch. Meanwhile, Molly Schnick’s crooning cello threads haunting melody through the Out Hud beats, prompting both Forbes and keyboardist Tyler Pope to shake their asses with a distinct lack of inhibition, something unfortunately not shared by the morose Barfly crowd. The climax sees Out Hud finally acknowledge their album’s sound with a rousing performance of The L Train Is A Swell Train And I Don’t Want To Hear You Indies Complain which sees Forbes and Pope dance among the crowd in a final, successful bid to get Cardiff’s feet moving.

Kudos to Radio 4 for bringing such an innovative act as Out Hud over the water, but it’s something which inevitably backfired on them. Their straightforward, uncomplicated garage rock is entertaining enough initially, but a distinct lack of variety – especially in comparison with their support band – means that their set never reaches any particularly impressive heights.

Singer Tommy Williams does his energetic best, and the stronger numbers – Dance To The Underground especially – receive a rapturous reception, but the night’s top honours have to go to a band for whom continuous innovation seems to be a watchword. Alex Macpherson

3rd Edge prove to be every female teenagers wet dream tonight as they writhe and slither around the stage to dirty urban beats, backedup by some quality deck work from a pair of dodgylooking geezas in the back. Live, their cheesy Smash Hits Tv persona seems less apparent and their singing, rapping and complex break dancing moves impress and make for an enjoyable performance.

The Sugababes are also on top form tonight. They playfully churn out their plethora of hits. alongside brilliant covers of Knock me off my feet (from Mutya) and SWV’’s Right Here (from Keisha). Other highlights include brilliant renditions of Overload, Shape, Virgin Sexy and hit single Freak Like Me. All three girls sang live while dancing throughout which was refreshing, and delievered an outstanding performance.

Tonight, the ‘babes prove themselves to be true diamonds in the rough, and truly worthy of all those awards they’ve won.

Gemma Jones

HOT HOT HEAT Barfly Hype can be a blessing as well as a curse. Tonights gig is understandably sold out on the merits of their debut British single Bandages, but can the Hot Hot Heat serve up the goods when under the close scrutiny of the Barfly massive.

The answer of course is a resonding yes, whilst on record the band may be confined by the limits of the studio onstage they’re free to swing from the rafters and allow charismatic frontman Steve to go wild. Starting with the amazing Touch You Touch You from their Knock Knock Knock EP the

RADIO 4 / OUT HUD Barfly

09 JET PLANE LANDING Barfly Jetplane Landing have become a live revelation. The progression in talent from their somewhat average Zero For Conduct album was immediately obvious, as they tore into a set of new, intelligent songs. Older songs, particularly Opposite Of Sex also benefited enormously from the band’s new-found confidence.

Most impressive, though, was their connection with the audience. Andrew Ferris is an impassioned frontman and a charismatic performer. Between songs he comes off almost as an Irish Ian Mackaye, and as he individually thanks everyone at the door, it is clear that this is one band who really are doing it for the fans. Where were you?

Will Turnpenny

AEREOGRAMME Barfly Hard rocking Glaswegians Aereogramme are a formidible live band at any time, but tonight they definitely seem to be pulling out all the stops. New album Sleep and Release may not be quite a revalation as their debut A Story In White but when faced with the full fury of vocalist Craig B bellowing the likes of My Indescretion and a fantastic cover of P J Harvey’s Snake. Post Tour - Pre Judgement is unsurprisingly highlight of the set, perfectly combining Aereogramme’s tender moments with their hardcore ire and bluster. With more songs which balance their two strengths this well they could surely take on the world, but for tonight they’ll have to settle for the hearts of a dedicated few in Cardiff. Andy Parsons

CALEXICO Bristol Academy There’s a dry wind blowing across Bristol tonight; tumbleweed prowling the streets and the crunch of sand underfoot as Arizona’s Calexico bring a hearty slice of the Wild West to the South West.

Opening with the resounding Across The Wire from their latest LP Feast Of Wire Calexico rapidly establish their Latin flavoured Americana feel on the evening.

Picking a varied selection of songs and instrumentals from all three albums, the band really shining during the mariachi madness of El Picador or the sultry Ballad Of Cable Hogue. A surprisingly political new track is unveiled towards the end: “Is the war still going on?” asks Joey “does it ever even end?” before the

GRiP band burst into the fantastic finale of Minas De Cobre and Stray. Fantastically entertaining, wonderfully funky and with more latin spirit than a tanker full of Bacardi, Calexico are a a buried treasure it’s well worth hunting down.

Andy Parson

PLACEBO / THE EIGHTIES MATCHBOX B-LINE DISASTER The Great Hall The 80s MBLD are a peculiar bunch, their rabid tunes and infectious energy always make for a memorable gig and tonight is no different as they savagely attack tracks from their recently released album. Their mania quickly rubs off on the audience who can be seen crowdsurfing and pogoing as if their lives depended on it.

This set the tone perfectly for Placebo who showcased tracks from new album Sleeping With Ghosts, with reworkings of one or two oldies, like Teenage Angst, thrown in to thrill their army of sparkley fans further.

Up and coming single This Picture, and other favourites like Black Eyed and an anti-war filled version of Slave To The Wage are received by the glittering mob with screaming gratitude. The antiwar sentiment echoed throughout wasn’t always necessary but did reflect the malcontent of the audience over the issue.

The highlight of the night had to be the last song of the show, a glorious rendition of The Pixies Where Is My Mind? filled with emotional vocals and delicious soaring highs. A wonderful end to a brilliant gig.

Marilyn Manson’s tooth decay

STEPHEN MALKMUS AND THE JICKS Wolverhampton Wulfrun Hall Ever since the demise of Pavement three years ago the slings and arrows of the worlds music press and former fans have been hurled at the former front man as he tries to deflect attention away from his past and onto his solo career with The Jicks.

Ask any of the 100’s of people here tonight in Wolverhampton whether they’d rather hear a few songs from Crooked Rain Crooked Rain or a 2 hour set of new material and the unanimous decision would be a campfire sing-a-long to Cut Your Hair and Elevate Me Later.

With second solo album, Pig Lib recently released on Domino it must be hard for Stephen to know that most of his fans will be hanging onto their fond memories of his previous days.

However this hasn’t stopped him from making Pig Lib a more ambitious and

confident sounding album than his self titled solo debut, allowing the rest of The Jicks to bring their influences to the fore whilst retaining his classic vocal and lyrical style. Indeed the band are a remarkably tight-knit unit rattling off superb versions of early singles Discretion Grove and Jo Jo’s Jacket.

Malkmus himself is charismatic and charming as always quickly winning the crowd over and enjoying a healthy dose of banter.

Despite a brief snatch of Gold Soundz during an intermission the crowds Pavement yearnings are unsurprisingly left unfulfilled and it’s these nagging feelings of want that frustrate fans enormously. If Malkmus’ solo work were dramatically different to that of his former band then life might be slightly easier for us, but it merely serves to reflect how good Pavement ultimately were – a failing also found with Spiral Stairs’ Preston School Of Industry project. Even so a phenomenal finale of 1% of 1 hints at what the future could hold and that enough, offers the hope that one day Malkmus will be revered for his solo work just as much his former group – and surely that’s the least he deserves.

Andy Parsons

BRENDAN BENSON Bristol Fleece and Firkin When debut album One Mississippi was released in 1996, Brendan Benson was a little-known name alongside fellow Detroiters The White Stripes. From such anonymity, the latter have sprung into a worldwide market of fascination and tabloid coverage, whereas Benson has remained rather less in the limelight.

Admittedly he fails to have something to match the media friendly ‘are they/aren’t they?’ sensationalism of the duo, but even so, his persona inspires a fanatic following. And even if the record buying punters are largely reduced in numbers, tonight there is nevertheless a hardcore of incredibly excitable and over-eager fans gurning and grabbing at their hero.

Looking both slightly embarrassed and chuffed whilst half-shuffling away from the attention, it is no doubt a tribute to his simple, delectable melodies and uncomplicated music. Finally, he is also beginning to gain the recognition of more than the critics.

Tonight, he perfectly smoothes through the majority of Lapalco, his second LP, that took over five years to write. Interjecting a couple of well selected ‘lesser known’ tracks from his debut, the fact that no-one, old-fan/newfan, is segregated from the mix, Benson shows his truly awesome ability to engage. As a songwriter he excels at crafting the tainted love song, and quietly downbeat self-depreciating

humour. Whereas such subtle nuances could easily be lost in the live atmosphere, instead it is captured wonderfully, and strangely intimately, in recent single Metarie, despite the singalong throng.

Strong harmonies with the keyboardist from his permanent backing band, The Well-Fed Boys, helps to provide a depth to the vocals, and a roundness to the sound overall, that leads to a tremendously emphatic What and Good To Me. Benson has described his musical output as ‘pop-rock’. With this straightforward tagging he is really selling himself far short. If there is any justice though, at least his records won’t be. Gemma Curtis

GLASSJAW Bristol Academy The fact that Glassjaw have cancelled their last two UK tours hours before they were due to be starting them (Due to relapses in singer Daryl’s Crohn’s disease which also lead to the rest of this tour being cancelled) meant that most of the audience were only in Bristol to see one band. This was unfortunate for support act Dredg, who’s intricate melodic rock deserved them a better reaction than the general apathy they received.Their faultless performance of songs, mainly taken from their El Cielo album, meant that the lucky few who gave them a chance were greatly rewarded.

After what seemed like an eternity and had everyone wondering if the band would actually play, Glassjaw came out and opened with an explosive Tip Your Bartender.

By then end of the first few songs the sound was near perfect and the quieter songs from Worship And Tribute such as Must’ve Run All Day showcased Daryl’s perfect voice which sounded even better than it did on record.

The set drew heavily from Worship And Tribute with only four songs from their Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence debut leaving many fans disappointed, even if one of those was the astounding Piano.

While there were admittedly a few points where you wished the band would just let rip again, these were few and Daryl gave a one-hundred percent, even busting a few windmills during the faster songs.

Although it’s sad it was the last show of their current tour and that fans going to the later dates missed out, they left the audience feeling very privileged to have witnessed something so special.

Owain Cooke

Jack White: Pretty good looking for a...boy

Music

The Go, the former band of Jack White fail to jumpstart tonights proceedings, and sadly don’t impress with their ubertight trousers, and a look and sound that would resemble your drunken dad at a 70s costume party singing dodgy karaoke from yesteryear.

Thankfully, the Whirlwind Heat with their eclectic sound and frantic dancing rouse the bored crowd and drive them into a leaping frenzy. With a sound lying somewhere between Iggy Pop and the Pixies, and a firebomb’s worth of energy, this underrated trio are surely set to blaze onto the scene this year and hopefully become as big as tonight’s headliners -The White Stripes.

With a set comprising of mainly early work from Destijl and The White Stripes with a few snippets of White Blood Cells and a dash of Elephant for good measure, the White Stripes give us an electric, highly-charged performance.

Jack and Meg thrill the audience aplenty with their flirtacious yet playful dancing and dynamic playing - with Meg’s solo of Cold Cold night and Jack’s emotional cover of Jolene being firm highlights.

The audience totally absorbed, fly declarations of love and marriage at the duo as Jack struts merrily around the stage, winking at audience members and handing his cigarette to another. It proves to be another successful gig in a line of superb shows that continue to blow the crowd away. Catch them at the festivals this summer, as you will never come across a more fantastic live duo than this. Sebastian Swift

Photo: Gemma Jones

THE WHITE STRIPES / WHIRLWIND HEAT / THE GO Wolverhampton Civic Hall

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Fell in love with a band

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LIVE LIFE LOUD

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A

s festival fever hits our shores again, with many of the big weekenders already sold out and the happy few fortunate enough to grab a Glastonbury ticket begin to gloat to the miserable masses, Gemma Jones takes a peek at what’s still on offer this summer for those of us wanting to make a dent in our loans for a few days of hedonism and musical bliss...

Download Festival May 31st-June 1st Donington Park Possibly the coolest line-up this side of Hades, as some of the world’s biggest and best rock stars come out in their masses to invade the minds of the metal-hungry and show Britain how to truly rawk! With a huge variety of bands playing from right across the alternative genre from the likes of punkers NOFX, Swedish thrash metal of Arch Enemy to art-rockers Queen Adreena and the gentle rock of Billy Corgan’s new outfit Zwan. Whatever your alternative leanings, Download is clearly the place to be this summer. Watch out too, for the awesome wrestling and the vast amounts of different cuisines available.

Ones to watch: Sat - From Autumn to Audioslave: Slave 4 u Ashes, Queen Adreena, HIM, and the god of fuck himself- Marilyn Manson Sun- The Blood Brothers, Boysetsfire, NoFx, Zwan, Audioslave Price:

Single day ticket - £39.50 Weekend ticket - £70.00 Camping- £12.50

See www.downloadfestival.com for further details Call 0870 4000 822 for tickets

Marilyn Manson: Lip-lickingly good

Competition Time

We have a fantastic prize to give away this fortnight in the shape of 2 weekend passes to Download Festival with VIP camping to one lucky reader. To be in with a chance of winning the competition all you have to do is tell us: What 3 bands have recently been added to the bill?

Email: GairRhyddMusic@hotmail.com with your answer and the winner will be drawn at random and notified May 20th

The Carling Reading / Leeds Festival August 22th - August 24th Reading Festival- Little Johns Farm, Richfield Rd. Reading Leeds Festival - Temple Newsam Park. Leeds Priding themselves on being the UK’s best alternative festival, this year is no different for the mighty Reading and Leeds Festivals. The grandaddies of heavy-metal, Metallica headline along with nu-metal whiners Linkin Park and old time Britpoppers Blur for a bill that’s guaranteed to blow anyone away.

With more and more brilliant bands being added all the time, Reading and Leeds this year is set to send rock fans mouths watering, as rock clearly stamps its mark as the dominant force in the festivals this year.

Ones to watch: Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Mars Volta (exmembers of ATDI), Finch, AFI, Courtney Beck or White stripes Love, The Streets, Beck, The White Stripes, Metallica.

Price: Day tickets - £40.00 Weekend tickets including camping - £95.00 (Watch out for that booking fee though) See www.ReadingFestival.com www.Leedsfestival.com for further details Call 0870 1500 044 for tickets and any more info you may need

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V2003 Festival

August 16th - 17th Hylands Park, Chelmsford / Weston Park Staffordshire

Generally considered by most to be the most indie of the summer fests, this years V line-up looks better than it has done in many years. The wonderful David Gray and the Red Hot Chili Peppers headline one day with the moshtastic Foo Fighters and Coldplay headlining the next - You know it’s going to be one to remember. For all you pop-lovers out there, if the urban-chic of Mis-teeq and blissful grooves of Moloko aren’t incentive enough for you to get your booties down to the site and put all those funky-arse disco dancing lessons into good use then the addition of Dirty Vegas, Kelly Osbourne and Big Brovaz should put a smile on the face and a swing in your hips As with previous years, the promise of more toilets and better facilities is given and will hopefully be delivered.

Ones to watch: Queens Of The Stone Age , PJ Harvey, Super Furries, Kelly Osbourne, David Gray, Echo And The Bunnymen, Price: Weekend with camping - £90 Weekend without - £75 Single day ticket - £42.50 See www.vfestival.com for further details Coldplay: “Say Ahhhh”

Move festival July 11th - 13th, Lancashire County Cricket Ground, Manchester A recent addition to the festival calendar in that it made its debut last year, the Move urban music event is one with the potential to stay around for a long while to come. With a fantastic line-up across the three days and no camping or dodgy portoloos in sight, this jaunt is ideal for those amongst you who love the music, but enjoy the mud, slop and general grubbiness a little less. With a special £5 offer on train fares to Manchester with tickets purchased from certain box offices, you can legitimately put yourself up in a comfy B&B for the night too.

Last year, Doves and New Order headlined a glorious Saturday bathed in summer sunshine with performances so terrific they sent a shiver down the spine. This year the bands ability to thrill can once again be guaranteed, even if the weather can’t. (Gem C) Ones to watch: Super Furries, REM, The Doves, Price: Fri+Sat - £27.50 / Sun - £28.50 See www.gigsandtours.com for further details and that wicked Virgin Trains offer of a fiver from any destination to Manchester.

Guildfest 2003 July 4th - 6th, Stoke Park, Guildford, Surrey One of the most peculiar line-ups for a festival with the godfather of glam, Alice Cooper headlining the first day, Ska legends Madness the next and Liverpool’s pop vixens Atomic Kitten headlining the final day, it’s eclectic to say the least, but then again that’s all part of its charm.

Now in it’s 12th year, Guilfest Atomic Kitten:Poptastic has always had an eye for showing rising talents and this year is going to be breathtaking, as the likes of Tom Mcrae and Aqualung take to the stage as well as DJ sets from the Lo-fidelity All Stars and Bez from the Happy Mondays. It’s gunna be a mad one, see you down the front!

Ones to watch:Aqualung, Skin, Tom Mcrae, Thea Gilmore and Madness for some old-skool skanking Price: Weekend- £64.00 Camping £25 Fri - £27 / Sat- £32 /Sun - £30 See the Guildfest information line for further details 01483 454159

Festival Essentials Toilet Roll - You don’t realise how much you need it until you’re dying to go and the last piece of toilet paper is adhering to someone’s shoe

May 24th 1pm-6am. The Bowl, Matterley Estate Nr Winchester, Hampshire

Sunblock - Unless you’re unfortunate, festivals are generally sunfilled so take that sun-block to protect yourself during those long sunny days

Ones to watch: The Streets, 2 many Djs, Groove Armada, Junior Senior and the Chemical Brothers perform a DJ set that’ll get even the most boring Kev leaping like a frog on heat

Enough money - While festival goodies can be pretty cheap, make sure you budget enough for food as it can be expensive especially over a couple of days

Price: £46.00 See www.homelands.co.uk for further details and tickets

Music

Plenty of warm clothes - The weather can change very suddenly so take plenty of warm clothes, especially as those nights get painfully cold

More than just your average dance all-dayer, Homelands this year boasts headline slots from the mighty Streets, Groove Armada and the generally excellent Chemical Brothers. Nestled in The Bowl in the heart of the Hertfordshire countryside hopefully the weather will have brightened up from its current state of affairs so that May 24th is a glorious, hedonistic rave up.

From 1pm to 6am a vast array of DJ’s and live acts will be playing over 9 arenas including some very special guests such as the legendary techno god Jeff Mills and the omnipresent Paul Oakenfold.

Ones to watch however will be office faves 2 Many Djs who are guaranteed to whip you into a dancing frenzy with their bootleg antics and excellent tunes.(A.P)

Torch - The nights are long and dark at festivals so be prepared.

Also use for drunken comedy and generally annoying those attempting to sleep

feature

Homelands

Things to remember to take -or you’re gunna regret it!

ook s reviews

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FANTASY-TASTIC!

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Who will guard the living when the dead arise..?

Sabriel, that’s who!

SABRIEL Garth Nix Collins

G

arth Nix’s Sabriel tells the story of the daughter of a necromancer who is forced to assume his position after he goes missing.

Sabriel, the eponymous heroine, has lived most of her eighteen years at Wyverly College, a boarding school in the world of Ancelstierre, a world which is very similar to ours with the exception that it borders the Old Kingdom, a land much more typical of the fantasy genre. Magic, both Free and Charter, abounds in the Old Kingdom. While Ancelstierre admits its existence and Wyverly College’s pupils, including Sabriel, are taught the basics, these lessons prove to be woefully inadequate once Sabriel’s father, an elite necromancer whose job it is to make sure the dead stay dead no matter what species they are or were, disappears.

Sabriel is left to both fill his position as his only living relative, and to find him in order to bring him back to life, if he is indeed dead. Armed only with his necromancy tools, an enslaved servant in the form of a cat, and a reanimated ship’s figurehead, she journeys through the Old Kingdom and finds herself facing problems much more dangerous than she originally thought.

The fact that Sabriel, despite being a talented student and a trained necromancer who could traverse the world of the dead before she could walk, is ignorant of a great deal of the history and culture of the Old Kingdom, having spent her life outside it and protected from it, allows the story to develop at a steady rate. As she learns, so does the reader: much of the story doesn’t make a great deal of sense until the final denouement. Though this encourages the reader to stay with the story, it is quite frustrating to read about things such as Charter Magic and Free Magic - important aspects of the story as a whole - while not understanding what exactly they are.

The contrast between Ancelstierre and the Old Kingdom, meanwhile, is quite effective but never really works, the transition from a modern world like ours with cars, buses, bombs and guns, to a fantastical world where variations on the theme of the dead roam freely around, being quite jarring. The fact that the army guards the border between the two worlds with all the equipment used in modern warfare seems almost illogical once Sabriel gets inside the Old Kingdom and experiences life there.

However, the fact that these aspects of the story are mentioned in passing when relevant and not incessantly dwelled upon does help maintain the mood.

The interaction of the two worlds is much more believable than that of muggles and wizards in JK Rowling’s Harry Potter series, probably due to the fact that it is written seriously and not played for laughs, and can perhaps be more easily compared to the worlds portrayed in Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy. Even then, Sabriel is much better written, the story flows more easily and the characters are much more likeable and much less irritating.

While only recently published in Britain, Sabriel was first written and published in Australia in 1995, so it predates the work of Pullman, despite Collins’ obvious attempts to cash in on the popularity of the books in the His Dark Materials sequence.

Sabriel is categorised as being written for young adults, but is in reality more of a crossover. Certainly, it contains all the ingredients of a novel aimed at teenagers such as a young protagonist, action, romance and animals that talk, but the fact that a large part of the story involves the dead and what they are

Garth Nix’s Sabriel is more believable than JK Rowling’s Harry Potter and better than Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials

capable of once dead but not completely so, is really quite disturbing if thought about too much. The action scenes, while not gratuitously described, pull no punches, particularly at the climax of the story when the forces of both worlds face off against each other in an immense battle.

Best of all, it is the first installment in a brand new trilogy, so there is much more to come!

Jane Eyre

The massive popularity of JK Rowling’s Harry Potter series and Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy has been responsible for the emergence of a new kind of fiction.

While both authors originally intended their work to be read by children, it turned out that adults were just as interested in the exploits of Harry, Ron and Hermione, and Lyra and Will, as the children they read the books to were. Over the last few years an increasing number of novelists have found that they too can bridge the gap between fiction directed at children and that directed at adults.

If you liked this...

ACROSS THE NIGHTINGALE FLOOR Lian Hearn

Tomasi is a young member of a hidden religious community until the rest of his village including his family are all slaughtered by the soldiers of a local dominant warlord. Taken in by the disinherited head of the Otori clan, he becomes Takeo, and he discovers he was born a member of an ancient tribe of warriors with superhearing, invisibility and the ability to split themselves in two, as well as natural fighting ability. His powers lead him to be chosen to attempt an assassination upon the warlord that killed his family, but the warlord is no fool. The floor of his chamber sings when it is trodden on.

ARTEMIS FOWL Eoin Colfer Artemis Fowl is twelve years old - and a criminal mastermind plotting to restore his family’s fortunes after a legitimate venture by his father was scuppered by the Russian Mafia. He decides to kidnap a fairy and hold it hostage, demanding ransom. However, Artemis proceeds to bite off more than he can chew by kidnapping Holly Short, a member of the Lower Elements Police (LEP) Reconnaissance (RECON) task force. Throw in a kleptomaniac dwarf, a paranoid centaur who is also a technical genius and a whole squadron of fairies looking for trouble, and you have possibly one of the funniest books ever written.

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X2

RELEASED: OUT NOW CERTIFICATE: 12A RUNNING TIME: 130 mins CAST Hugh Jackman: Wolverine Patrick Stewart: Charles Xavier Ian McKellen: Magneto Halle Berry: Storm Famke Janssen: Jean Grey James Marsden: Cyclops Rebecca Romijn-Stamos: Mystique Alan Cummings: Nightcrawler Brian Cox: General William Stryker Kelly Hu: Lady Deathstrike Dir.: Bryan Singer Scr.: Daniel Harris

W

After an assassination attempt is made on the President by a mysterious teleporting mutant, General Stryker uses the incident to fan the flames of the looming war between mutants and humans. Only Professor Xavier’s team of X Men stand in his way.

and investigate the more interesting sides of his characters. Wolverine’s mysterious past is further enlightened, the tense love triangle between Cyclops, Jean Grey and Wolverine intensifies, and all the mutants suffer as they continue to attempt to gain acceptance in their own ways.

The obvious parallel X2’s themes share with those of the race movement is stretched and modernised when Singer’s sequel also mirrors issues of the acceptance of homosexuality, as Iceman returns from the Mutant Academy to explain to his disbelieving parents ‘what’ he is, and is faced with comments like "have you ever tried to stop being a mutant?"

As expected, the cast of heavyweights perform as their reputations dictate, while Brit newcomer Alan Cummings (Nightcrawler) and youngsters Aaron Stanford (Pyro) and Shawn Ashmore (Iceman) bring a new level of humour, innocence and fresh talent to the franchise. As in X1 Hugh Jackman takes centre stage as the fiery Wolverine, commanding attention with his broiling intensity and standing out amongst Oscar-laden stars such as Halle Berry and Ian McKellen.

The only problem with this, however, is that the cast of X2

might be just too good, and one wonders how such an expensive and in-demand selection of lead actors will be re-grouped for the inevitable X3 without any major scheduling or budgetary problems.

The main problem with X2 is that at times it tends to collapse under its own weight. With so many characters pursuing so many different goals the narrative at times gets slightly muddled, but Singer intelligently brings the action together for an exciting and intense finale.

Neil Blain

FINAL WORD 2003 may be the year of The Matrix but Singer has created a thoughtful action flick that will please both fans and non-fans alike, and should be thought of as more than just a warm up for the Wachowski’s flo-mo fuelled sequels.

The summer of some of history’s most exciting blockbusters has begun.

✩✩✩✩

Film

review

hen future generations look back to 2003 - the year that will see the first chapter in a new Hulk franchise, the final two parts of a revolutionary Matrix trilogy, a new high budget Terminator 3, and the conclusion of the epic Lord of the Rings saga - they could possibly overlook the film that kicked off all these summer blockbusters: X2.

Indeed, the first film instalment of Stan Lee’s most popular Marvel creations failed to make a clear mark, its lack of central character and feeling of being little more than a plotless introductory caper causing it to lose out to simpler and more concentrated comic book conversions such as Spiderman.

But with X2, Bryan Singer has produced a film that improves on all of its predecessor’s faults and is infinitely more memorable. X2 builds on everything that the original only managed to hint at. There’s more action and character development, and the film carries more of a sense of completion with it.

With a longer running time Singer is also able to insert some deeper themes

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT

Generation X

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License to Hill W HARRY HILL New Theatre

ith an audience reception that Tony Blair could only dream of, Harry Hill takes to the stage. The first half of tonight’s set sees him return to what he does best: witty and original stand-up. The badger-cabaret of his increasingly disappointing TV efforts takes a back seat as he winds his way through surreal monologues. The pacing and non-linear structure of his routine makes it breathlessly hilarious; Harry starts ten jokes at once and then keeps returning to them in a spiralling, no-holdsbarred assault on your funny bone.

But Harry is more than just a comedian. So much more. He’s a thinker, a philosopher and a social commentator. That’s why even his most bizarre ideas seem to make sense, such as the theory that Jesus was a duck (he liked bread and walked on water), or that mobile phone ownership is directly proportional to increases in street crime (with less phone

boxes, there’s less places for Superman to get changed). And who, to be honest, hasn’t considered burying their granny in a fridge? Harry even manages to take serious stock of current events - due to the crisis in the Middle East, he’s cancelled tonight’s rug sale.

But after the interval, Harry gets back into end-of-the-pier territory with puppets, sing-alongs and ventriloquism. There are odd moments of brilliance, like drawing Jim Davidson on one knee and Michael Ball on the other, but things like the badger’s karate display and the return of Stouffer the cat are neither as entertaining nor as informative as we might have hoped.

Like football, the Harry Hill show is a game of two halves, one half being a lot more fun than the other. So with any luck Harry will shrug off the evil lure of TV and make a welcome return to stand-up. Fingers crossed!

Mat Croft

Up-Hill struggle: Harry’s show has ups and downs

Novel expectations W

elsh writer Lewis Davies’ play focusing on the volatile life and relationships of DH Lawrence was an interesting and varied performance. Given at the Sherman Theatre, you didn’t have to venture far from Woodville Road to be transported to the Continent.

Following his recent publications, Lawrence seeks refuge on the south coast of France with his wife, Frieda. A Valleys-born, lesser-known writer, Rhys

SEX AND POWER AT THE BEAU RIVAGE Sherman Theatre

The Beau Rivage: very beau

Stormy weather

JUST BEFORE THE RAIN Sherman Theatre

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s a Mancunian myself, I was intrigued by a production focusing on the recent riots in Oldham. Performed with a minimal prop set and a group of five young Asian actors the play was not disappointing.

There was a clear antipathy towards both the police and the BNP throughout the play, and a sense of the hopelessness and pointlessness of the fighting and loss of life became quickly obvious. Indeed, the idea of being

a minority in a situation didn’t require much acting; a group of five northern, Asian, actors performing on a southern stage in front of an entirely white audience.

Although we all laughed along at the right times it remains to be seen as to whether we would have been so supportive during the riots.

With each of the actors contributing to the writing of the play, a backdrop of rubble and a soundtrack of street music, the performance had a feel of real individuality and originality about it. Having said that, it was definitely from a certain

Davies, is invited to stay with them. His experiences whilst there undoubtedly affect him as a writer as the frustrating and enclosed Riviera life becomes unbearable.

Lawrence’s affliction with tuberculosis is portrayed in a worryingly convincing style.

Its effect on his relationship with his wife is shown as she tries to seduce the unassuming and in fact homosexual Davies. A sense of how Lawrence pushed the boundaries in the censorship of literature was shown and

perspective, offering a blow by blow account of the riots from an Asian view.

The play wasn’t a detached look at what happened, but then, the actors’ involvement in the actual event was one of the main interests of it. It gave you a feeling that you were privy to a perspective that was covered up and not often reported.

Although the performers were young and this was a college production the show was professional and diverse, with a variety of Asian and northern accents used and the teaming of gritty scenes of violence with hilarious gossip sketches. It was an interesting change to see a production that was a bit less refined and polished but was more from the heart of the performer, demonstrating acting and writing talent that I’m sure will go on to bigger things.

Rachel Pegum

also the influence of his partner on his success as a writer and an artist. The close of the play is slightly ambiguous as to the fate of Lawrence and Davies, and is perhaps a little abrupt.

However, the performance was well directed by Cardiffborn Chris Morgan, and a real sense of the Continent was created, putting you in the mood for some cheese and wine drinking!

The production will now be touring throughout Wales.

Rachel Pegum

Tempestuous scenes

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gair rhydd 12 05 03

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY STUDENTS’ UNION Mon 12 May

Sun 18 May

Sun 01 Jun

Thu 05 Jun

Sun 22 Jun

Sun 29 Jun Mon 07 Jul

Mogwai + support · £10.00 adv Less Than Jake + support · £10.00 adv Please note that this date has been re-scheduled from Sun 04 May. All tickets are still valid.

Stereophonics · £11.75 advSOLD OUT Shed Seven + support · £12.50 adv

Please note that this date has been re-scheduled from Thu 29 May. All tickets are still valid.

Oliver Dawson Saxon

+ Girlschool + Tygers of Pantang + special guests M.ill.ion · £17.50 adv

Anthrax + support · £12.50 adv Murderdolls + support · £10.00 adv Tickets on sale Wed 14 May.

Over 14’s Only · Cardiff University Students Union, Park Place, Cardiff, CF10 3QN. Box Office: 029 2078 1458

®

TICKETS for the following events are now available from the SU Box Office subject to booking fee Sun 18 May Mon 19 May Fri 23 May Sat 24 May Fri 30 May Sat 31 May Tue 03 June Tue 10 June Thu 12 June Fri 13 June Sat 14 June Tue 17 June Wed 18 June Thu 19 June Mon 23 June Thu 26 June Tue 01 July Thu 03 July Fri 04 July

THE SLEEPY JACKSON CLEARLAKE NEOTOKYO ARE WEAPONS THE AGENDA H O P E O F T H E S TAT E TEN BENSON THE COOLIE RANX REVIEW LONGVIEW B I F F Y C LY R O Y O U N G H E A R T AT TA C K C AT O N F O R M COSMIC ROUGH RIDERS THE BLUEPRINT* D E F E N E S T R AT I O N * SIOBHAN DONAGHY* THE SADIES JESSE JAMES* THE ANDROIDS*

£6.00 £5.00 £5.00 £7.50 £5.00 £5.00 £6.00 £6.00 £5.00 £6.50 £6.00 £4.00 £6.00 £5.00 £4.00 £4.00 £7.00 £6.00 £6.00

All shows: 18+ SHOWS (Doors 7.00pm) except *ALL AGE SHOWS (Doors 3.00 pm - 7.00 pm)

Tickets on Sale

Super Furry Animals + Special Guests · Bethesda Rugby Club, Saturday 21st June 2003 Gates open at 2pm · Tickets £20.00 advance (subject to booking fee)

Stereophonics · Millennium Stadium, Saturday 20th December 2003 Tickets £32.50/ £27.50 advance (subject to booking fee)

adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv

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gair rhydd 12 05 03

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gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

The People vs.

TV Desk This week, TV Desk would like to dedicate these listings to the remembrance of the wondrous Nina Simone, who shot boys, fought for freedom and sang pure soul.

RIP and thank-you. Right, that’s enough sentimentality, on with the funnies.

On with the funnies?

Jesus, Alex, we’re not a cartoon section in a syndicated American newspaper - we’re a serious media outlet, dammit. Unlike ITV, who once again are polluting our airwaves with low-grade tack like I’m a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! (ITV1, Monday 12 May, 9pm), which ends this evening. I say ‘low grade tack’ like it’s a bad thing, but we all know it’s what makes TV Desk’s tiny world go round. I must admit though, I haven’t watched a massive amount of this - but then, with the Sun documenting every second in their ‘news’paper, I haven’t really needed to. So, from this

position of authoritative ignorance, I confidently predict that Phil ‘The Cat’ Tufnell will win, with Linda Barker coming second and Wayne Sleep bringing up the rear. As it were. With any luck, Catalina will have been thrown out on her podgy arse by the time you read this and have had her lips popped so she can no longer pout like a retarded 5 year old. Stupid fucking bint.

From the real jungle to the urban jungle then, in Selling Houses and Location, Location, Location (S4C, Tuesday 13 May, 9pm and 9.30pm). I have a problem with these shows. For one, since when did estate agents stop being weaselly little money whores and become cool and respectable media darlings?

And for two, if you want a house, get off your fucking arse and look for one yourself rather than employing a couple of Sloaney gits who’ll try and

persuade you to part with £1million for a bijoux little pad (i.e., shoebox) in Billericay. Oh, and three, who has that much money to spend anyway? Bastards.

Not that I’m jealous. Honest.

People you have absolutely no reason to be jealous of abound in You Ruined My Looks (ITV1, Wednesday 14 May, 10.30pm), a documentary that laughs sneakily behind

Week 1 its hand at the twats who’ve had some sort of cosmetic treatment, only to have it blow up in their faces.

Possibly literally.

You know I mentioned ITV1’s policy of low grade tack earlier? Here’s another fine example: Club Reps: The Workers (ITV1, Thursday 15 May, 10.30pm), a show which, from the trailers and the previews in Heat, seems to

be populated by the people too stupid and common to get on Trisha. Watch, laugh, and feel pleasantly smug and middle class.

By the end of the last series, Ali G was becoming increasingly tedious. Sacha Barron Cohen started playing the character for real, heralding a rapid descent into self-parodic toss, a far cry from the sharp satire it started out as.

Ali G is still insufferably irritating and needs to fuck right off, but luckily Ali G in da USAiii (S4C, Friday 16 May, 11.10pm) has a brand spanking new character as its trump card: Bruno, the camper-than-a-row-oftents Austrian male model, who skewers New York fashionistas with the faux-naïf relentlessness which has become Barron Cohen’s trademark.

Nowt much on Saturday evening - TV

GRiP

Desk recommends that you rent Donnie Darko instead to drool over Jake Gyllenhaal, I mean, um, marvel at the intelligence and wit of the dialogue and plot - but if you wake up early enough, there’s Weekend with Rod Liddle and Kate Silverman (Saturday 17 May, 9am).

Fuck knows who Silverman is or what it’ll be about, but Rod - Guardian columnist and sometime Today presenter - has soulful eyes and sexy just-got-out-of-bed hair to die for. Mm-hmm, oh yes.

STAYING IN TONIGHT? CALL 02920 229977

May 12 - May 23

Week 2 11.20pm), a documentary on grisly Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu. Er, TV Desk doesn’t know much about Ceausescu beyond this.

Apart from a vague idea that he and his wife were executed by firing squad when they were ousted. Tenuous link time: does anyone else think that Vladimir Putin is really rather alluring? No? Just me, then. Goody, I can have him all to

myself.

X Rated Ambition: The Traci Lords Story (five, Thursday 22 May, 11pm ) is the fascinating story of cumgulper Traci Lords. Hailing from Essex (one suspects), Traci set out to make a name for herself in the charming world of adult entertainment.

She became pretty successful too until those nosey bods at the FBI took a close look at her passport and realised she was only 15. Lawks-a-lordy!

Quite how she came to the attention of the FBI in the first place would make an interesting story too. They say it was a ‘tip-off’, a likely story.

This sounds ace, I may well and try to buy the rights to the Traci Lords story and make into a blockbuster starring the cute one from tATu. Bidding starts at £3.78. (Traci was also the guest vocalist on the Manic Street Preachers’ superb 1993 anti-porn ditty “Little Baby Nothing” - 90s Indie Ed.) Top Gun (BBC1, Friday 23 May, 11.25pm) is quite possibly the gayest film ever made. I had an argument with

someone who claimed its gayness is all in my head. I refuted this; my evidence is as follows. 1. The script was based upon the experiences of a gay man in the Navy. I think this is true anyway, I read it somewhere. 2. Goose! He’s called Goose, for fuck’s sake!

And don’t you think he and ‘Maverick’ seem a little too close? 3. In the scene in the lockeroom with ‘Iceman’, Val Kilmer aka ‘Iceman’ is starring at Maverick’s arse when he comes out of the shower. It’s all symbolism anyway. It is gay, not in my head, ok? Look at this picture and tell me it’s not just the tiniest bit camp...

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Television

already. It’s an entertaining series, no doubt, but more than a little pointless: its main thrusts seem to be that celebs use the press sometimes, don’t like it when it goes overboard, and are People Just Like Us really. Well, duh.

Lazy journalism, Piers Morgan.

Not what we’d expect of such an esteemed editor.

Better investigation can probably be found in The King of Communism (BBC2, Wednesday 21 May,

pickings

Excuse the porn missus.

No, we haven’t morphed into the Sunday Sport: this picture is related to a programme, read on and all will be revealed. Oi! Stop looking at her tits. Keeping with the flesh baring theme, Shock Video (five, Monday 19 May, 11.35pm) Is presented by the irrepressible Adam and Joe, a sort of anti-Ant and Dec, if you get my drift. Equally annoying at times but it’s hard to dislike them, and frankly they’re not scared to do a joke about wanking. Sadly, they do often feel the need to put their name to shite, a more heinous example being the Boyzone video for Comic Relief. This is quite shit, but it might make

you smirk if you’re a little childish like me. And I think you are. Movie Mistakes (five, Sunday 18 May, 8.30pm) is presented by the ever-so-funny Nick Frost who you may recognise from the excellent Spaced in which he played Mike. Earlier this year Mr Frost also presented another Channel five show which I think was called Danger: 10,000 Volts. If that was anything to go by he’ll let loose with his surreal humour and slighty childish jokes. A bit like Adam and Joe except he’s a bit of bloater and there’s only one of him.

Tonight’s Tabloid Tales (BBC1, Tuesday 20 May, 11.45pm), meanwhile, come courtesy of Heather MillsMcCartney, one-legged spouse of that dire old cunt Paul. Following in the footsteps of Victoria Beckham, Jade Goody and Peter Mandelson, she lets herself be talked at for an hour by Piers Morgan on exactly what she thinks of tabloid intrusion; you can probably guess what that is

elevision

GRiP

18

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Monday 12 May BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Bob the Builder and Friends: Bill and Ben and Bob the Builder 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.35 Lizzie McGuire 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Holiday 7.30 Real Story 8.00 EastEnders Jim hopes for a breakthrough with Dot. The first fnarr of the summer? Oh yes, I rather think so.

8.30 Murphy's Law 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Sitcom Story 11.35 Cable TV 12.05 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Burn It 12.35 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: This Is Dom Joly 1.05 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Re:covered Possibly featuring the gorgeous Aqualung. I’m so in love with him, the beautiful ginger scamp. 1.40 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Play and the Social World 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC 11.10 Megamaths: Tables 11.30 BBC Primary History 11.50 BBC Primary Geography 12.10 Music Makers 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 Great Speeches: Martin Luther King 1.45 FILM: My Favourite Wife 3.10 Hall of Fame 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link Welcome back, then, you bastards. Did you all have an obscenely gluttonous and chocolate-filled Easter break?

Good. I hope you’re all fat and spotty like me now. It’s only fair, innit?

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 Gardening with the Experts 8.00 University Challenge: The Professionals 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Early Doors 10.00 Guess Who's Coming to Dinner 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 London People 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Bridezillas 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Rupert 4.00 As Told by Ginger 4.30 Black Hole High 5.00 Crossroads Sob. How could they have axed this? Why, ITV, why? Apparently, they’re going to end it by claiming it was all a dream. Feh. Worst ending evah. 5.30 You've Been Framed!

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here! The Finale 10.30 ITV News 11.00 FILM: Up at the Villa 1.10 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...?

2.25 Painting the Stars 2.50 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.15 Ghost Stories 3.35 Entertainment Now! 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Hoorah! Mogwai are playing our humble university tonight. Indie muso boys, don’t wear your best pants. You’ll only ruin ‘em.

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 50/50 4.35 Ace Lightning 5.00 Really Wild Show 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 EastEnders: Sonia Jackson's Story She was born. She was minging. Her boyfriend snuffed it. She was still minging. The end. There you go - no need to watch it now, is there?

7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Cutting It 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Tabloid Tales: Jade Goody 11.45 Extreme Lives: Yukon Quest 12.25 FILM: Raid on Entebbe 3.05 Sign Zone 4.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Art: A Question of Style 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC 10.50 BBC Primary Geography 11.10 Let's Write a Story 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 1.15 Watch 1.30 Trade Secrets 1.40 Living Famously 2.40 am.pm 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (woo!), Gladys Knight and the Pips (poo!) and Roxy Music (woo!), plus a new video from George Harrison. Keep an eye out for the embalming fluid leaking from his arse.

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Your Money or Your Life 8.00 Get a New Life 9.00 The Day Britain Stopped 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on Two: A Very English Genius Yes, I suppose I am.

Nice of them to make a program about me. 12.25 The Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

Eastenders: Sonia Jackson’s Story BBC1 7pm

Great Speeches: Martin Luther King BBC2 1.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Full Metal Challenge 2.15 The City Gardener 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 4.15 Planed Plant: Sgiliau Mas Draw 4.25 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 So Graham Norton Oh fuck, the screeching little leprechaun is back again. I’ll leave Alex to rant and rave about it in his own inimitable style, but suffice it to say I am displeased by Channel 4’s commissioning decisions. Sort it AHT! 11.15 The Sopranos 12.20 Will and Grace 12.50 Second Chance 1.50 Copa Libertadores 4.00 Ysgolion/Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: The Amazing Howard Hughes 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 Britain's Worst Driver 8.30 Be a Grand Prix Driver 9.00 FILM: Just Cause 11.00 99 Things to Do before You 11.35 Shock Video 12.10 US PGA Golf 1.00 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 1.50 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 3.20 V8 Supercars 4.10 FIM 2003 Motocross World Championships 5.00 Dutch Football

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Bridezillas 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Engie Benjy 3.55 The Worst Witch A classic bit of children’s telly.

Watch and learn how not be a child actor.

4.30 Girls in Love 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed! 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live: Inter Milan v AC Milan 9.45 ITV News 10.15 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 6 Ooh, how naughty! Some famous people forget their lines and say ‘fuck’. Boobies! Bum! Arse! Wank! Poo poo! See, we can be naughty too.

11.15 Soccer Special 12.00 FILM: Paradise Road 2.20 Planet's Funniest Animals And the winner is... Sports Desk’s Riath. Although whether he qualifies as even an animal rather than some kind of amoeba-esque pondlife is debatable.Aren’t you glad he didn’t get to be Dep Ed? 2.45 World Sport 3.10 Ghost Stories

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Ten Again 1.20 Channel 4 attheraces from York 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Sioe Fideo 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Dudley 9.00 Selling Houses 9.30 Location, Location, Location 10.00 So Graham Norton 10.40 The West Wing 11.40 The Clinic 12.10 NYPD Blue 1.05 FILM: The Vikings 4.00 Ysgolion/Schools Right then, Channel 4. I’ve already questioned your logic in re-commisioning So Graham Norton and now I’d like to tear you off a shred about June Sarpong and Harvey on T4. I mean, is it a pre-requistite that all your presenters have to have been labotomised before they can work for you? Why not try giving Harvey some basic speech lessons before letting the gurning ape loose in front of a camera? And the next time Sarpong laughs like a harpy and waves her shiny, shiny legs at the camera, I’m gonna cut em off. With a rusty chainsaw.

6.00 Sunrise ...is far less interesting since Xpress’s run finished. Most of it was shite upon shite, but Rupe and Tom on the breakfast show were legends. Boys, I salute you.

Fancy coming round to mine and reprising your show... a private session so to speak?

6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: The Amazing Howard Hughes 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 The Kursk: Submarine Disaster 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.20 Boomtown 11.15 Hideous Crimes: Britain's Most Dangerous Prisoner 12.20 Boxing: Fight of the Week 1.10 NHL Ice Hockey 4.30 Major League Soccer

Tuesday 13 May

19

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Wednesday 14 May BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Mummy 4.35 CBBC Winner Stays On 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 To Catch a Thief 7.30 Ground Force 8.00 FILM: Entrapment Catherine Zeta Jones shags a much older Sean Connery. You were taking notes, weren’t you Michael Douglas?

9.50 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Belonging 11.05 Riot Cops 11.35 999 An audience in Rotherham are asked what they'd do if they saw someone drowning.

“Fetch the sharks” suggests Music Andy, somewhat cruelly.

12.15 Victoria and Abdul 12.50 Sign Zone: Panorama 1.30 Sign Zone: Watchdog 2.00 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 4.20 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Animated English: The Creature Comforts Story 6.30 CBeebies 11.00 am.pm 1.00 Lifeline 1.10 Looking Good Tricks 1.30 Working Lunch 2.05 FILM: Bengazi Like Fugazi, but less loved by beardstroking muso wannabes. 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Featuring Johnny Hates Jazz (surely the worst band name in the world), Kriss Kross (make you wanna jump jump!), and Climie Fisher (not Carrie Fisher, unfortunately).

6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 The Flying Gardener 8.00 Home Cunt 9.00 I'll Show Them Who's Boss 9.50 Headhunting the Homeless 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on Two: Profile: Richard Dawkins 11.50 Profile: John Sulston 12.25 The Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Unusual Suspects 1.00 Persisting Dreams 1.50 Ever Wondered?

2.00 Secondary Schools Languages: D-Mag 4.00 Languages: Suenos World Spanish 13-16 5.00 Switched on: Research and History

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women Fun as Today with Des & Mel was, it warms my heart to see this return. Even if it is now fronted by a cheap, horse-faced Scouse bimbo who seems to actually aspire to being Posh Spice (i.e. Claire Sweeney).

Still, you can’t have it all. 2.00 Bridezillas 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah This is strange and wrong and makes me feel rather like someone’s slipped acid into my afternoon coffee. But perhaps that’s the point. 3.35 Rupert 4.00 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.30 The Worst Witch 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed!

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The British Soap Awards 2003 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 You Ruined My Looks 11.30 Champions League 12.30 X-Men 2 in the UK 1.00 Nash Bridges 1.45 Champions League: Juventus v Real Madrid 3.25 Ghost Stories 3.50 Get Stuffed 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame Moving documentary about Claire Sweeney’s ugly(er) little sister. This film contains scenes you may find distressing, including horrific images of Sweeney Jr in a bikini. 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Balamory 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 All or Nothing 4.35 Viva S Club 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Bailiffs 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 Servants 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 This Week 12.55 FILM: Rain 2.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Marin Mersenne - the Birth of Modern Geometry 6.30 CBeebies 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Trade Secrets 1.10 FILM: A Canterbury Tale My nan had a bit part in this film as Woman Leading Cow. FACT! 3.10 Hall of Fame 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 History Hunters 8.00 The Nation's Favourite Food 8.30 So What Do You Do All Day? “Have a Pot Noodle and a wank” - Music Andy 9.00 Horizon 9.50 E-Mails You Wish You Hadn't Sent 10.00 The Thin Blue Line 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 15 Storeys High 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: 2.00 Healing the (W)hole The Mark Cobley story

FILM: Three Kings five 9pm

Loose Women ITV1 1pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Caio 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Miffi 1.15 Ten Again 1.20 Channel 4 attheraces from York 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Crwydro 9.00 04 Wal 9.30 Taro Naw 10.00 Brookside 11.30 So Graham Norton 12.10 The Real Texas Chainsaw Massacre ...took place in the GR penthouse, after it was discovered TV Alex had used last week’s TV listings instead of this week’s. Stupid cunt. 1.10 The People's Book of Records 1.40 Desert Darlings 2.40 Copa Libertadores

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Columbo: Negative Reaction 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 Dream Machine 8.30 Fifth Gear: Roll-Over 9.00 WWI Disaster at Gallipoli 10.00 FILM: Cobra 11.50 Shock Video With hosts Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish.

My, how the mighty have fallen.

12.20 La Femme Nikita 1.10 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 2.00 NHL Ice Hockey 4.45 Australian Rules Football 5.35 Fastrax

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Bridezillas 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Engie Benjy 3.55 Sitting Ducks 4.05 Art Attack 4.30 Black Hole High 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed!

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Bad Girls 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Club Reps: The Workers 11.00 Barry Welsh Is Coming *insert spunk joke here* 11.30 The Pop Factory 12.00 Night and Day 1.00 Now and Again 1.45 Hardcore Candy: West Coast Girls 2.10 CD:UK Hotshots 2.35 Cybernet 3.00 Trisha 3.55 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News TV Desk loves: the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album, giving Dep Ed Tristan brown love on the office sofa in exchange for his press pass for the Cardiff/Bristol City Division Two Playoffs, Aqualung, ginger men in general, duty free fags, the new Mogwai and Fourtet albums.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Saith 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Mistar Morgan 1.15 Once Seen 1.20 Channel 4 attheraces from York 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: SuperTed 4.30 Planed Plant: Y Consuriwr 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 FILM: Y Ffynhonnau A film version of an interminably long Welsh poem. What? This is good television? S4C, sort your lavabread-munching selves out, for fuck’s sake.

10.00 Lolipop 10.30 So Graham Norton 11.10 Sex Change 1 week to go before TV Alex has the final chop and tuck... FACT! 12.10 Frasier 12.40 Georgian Underworld 2.10 FILM: Gloria “Gloooori-ah! G-L-O-R-I-A!”, sang Patti Smith once. Sadly, the film is nothing to do with the song. But you should all go and buy the seminal work Horses by Patti Smith because it’s aceness. And that, sweet child of mine, is yet another indisputable FACT! Yes indeedy.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: To Trap a Spy 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 Roy Keane: As I See It “I didn’t rate you as a player, I don’t rate you as a manager and I don’t rate you as a person. You can stick your World Cup up your bollocks” Roy Keane to Mick McCarthy.

9.00 FILM: Three Kings “Spike Jonze is a legend. And the bit with the cow is hysterical” - Music Andy. No, I don’t know what he’s on about either.

11.10 Real Sex: Black Strip Shows 12.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.45 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v RKC Waalwijk 2.15 Argentinian Football 4.35 Major League Soccer: LA Galaxy v NY/NJ Metrostars

Thursday 15 May

Television

BBC1

elevision

GRiP

20

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Friday 16 May BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.35 Kerching!

5.00 Bring It On 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport FA Cup Special With Ray Parlour, Mick Channon, Paul Jones and Liam Brady.

Huh. Ian Brady’s cooler. And sexier. 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 My Family 9.00 The Big Impression Comic impressions from Alistair McGowan. It’s a real shame that McGowan’s an insufferable cnut who looks like a drag queen, otherwise this would be funny. 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Guests include former Catatonia frontwoman Cerys Matthews and Olympic gold medallist Denise Lewis. It’s a real shame that Jonathan Ross is as fuck-off annoying as he is, because his guests are always cool. Never pleased, am I? 11.25 FILM: An American Werewolf in Paris 1.00 FILM: The Fury 2.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Did Tibet Cool the Earth? 6.30 CBeebies 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Butterflies 1.30 FILM: We Dive at Dawn 3.05 Big Screen Britain 3.20 News 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Scrum V Live: Bridgend v Cardiff 9.00 Gardeners' World Chris Beardshaw plans the perfect compost heap. The main ingredient: Sports Desk’s CD collection.

9.30 Cambridge Spies 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review Kirsty Wark discusses the highs and lows of the cultural week with Bonnie Greer, Adam Mars-Jones and Tim Lott. Bonnie Greer - the epitome of ‘token black’ - is the dumbest bint ever to have graced a TV screen. She reminds me of people in seminars who haven’t done the reading. 11.35 Later with Jools Holland With Lou Reed, Goldfrapp, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Kings of Leon, the Vines and McKay. Respectively: creaky, swooning, ululating, blah, FUCKING AWFUL, and gorgeous. 12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.15 FILM: Second Best 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Special Education: Hands Up!

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Bridezillas 2.30 Prized Possessions 3.00 News 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Rupert 4.00 As Told by Ginger 4.30 Globo Loco 5.00 Crossroads Angel finds fault with everything and lashes out at Kate. Tut tut, that’s not very angelic. 5.30 You've Been Framed!

6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Fate throws Les an astonishing lifeline. We don’t care.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Hornblower 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.00 After They Were Famous Featuring Olympic gymnast Nadia Comaneci. Ooh, Nadia!

Amazing elfin Romanian gymnast turned Florida housewife and general legend.

Extra respect for the cool name.

11.35 Creative Road Mmm, TV Desk likes to take the creative road. As it were. 12.05 F1: Austrian Grand Prix Qualifying 1.20 Nash Bridges 2.15 Forever 3.10 Entertainment Now! 3.35 Ghost Stories 4.00 World Football 4.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 CBeebies 6.25 CBBC 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News 12.10 Match of the Day Live: The FA Cup Final “Southampton to win 6-1” News Desk. Hmm. I didn’t even know that Southampton had a football club. But then, I did have to ask someone the other day who Beckham played for.

Football, pchuh. 5.20 News 5.35 Wales Today 5.40 I'd Do Anything Ian Wright presents a game show in which members of the public face their biggest fears and phobias in order to win a special prize for a loved one. Room 101 with emotional blackmail, then. Lovely. *spit* 6.40 Only Fools and Horses 7.30 The National Lottery: In It to Win It 8.15 Casualty 9.05 FILM: Kevin and Perry Go Large 10.20 News 10.40 The Murder Game Let’s murder Vernon Kay, Donald Rumsfeld and Robbie Williams! Just for fun, obviously. 11.40 Match of the Day 12.30 FILM: Harrison: Cry of the City 2.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2.50 A Question of Sport 3.25 Top of the Pops 3.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 Weekend with Rod Liddle and Kate Silverton Mmm, Rod Liddle. 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Trade Secrets 12.55 Thunderbirds 1.45 Talking Movies 2.10 Living Famously 3.10 FILM: Knights of the Round Table 5.00 Watching the Detectives: Monk 5.45 Highgrove: A Prince's Legacy A year in the life of Highgrove, revealing the Prince of Wales's close involvement with a form of estate management that positively encourages wildlife.

There’s some innuendo in there somewhere, but I’m not speculating on either bestiality or royalty any more than is strictly necessary. 6.35 Flog It! 7.35 The Great War: So Sleep Easy in your Beds 8.15 Egypt's Golden Empire 9.05 The Big Read Top 100 10.05 Have I Got News for You 10.35 Early Doors 11.05 I Love 1998 It was only five fucking years ago! Grr. 12.05 FILM: To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

FILM: Never Been Kissed ITV1 10.05pm

Later with Jools Holland BBC2 11.35pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? This is always fun, especially because the contestants are generally minging pikeys who are truly crushed when they discover that no, no one finds them at all attractive. 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Newbury 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Darn o Dir 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Clwb Garddio 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Hwyl y Noson Lawen 9.30 ER 10.30 So Graham Norton 11.10 Ali G in Da USAiii Bruno: genius creation which restored TV Desk’s faith in Sacha BarronCohen. Borat: getting a leetle bit tired now. Ali G: fuck off and die, you self-parodic tosser. 11.40 Eurotrash 12.10 Boys and Girls Friday 12.40 Porn Star The Legend of Ron Jeremy 2.10 Headliners: Linkin Park 2.40 Speedway: 2003 Grand Prix Preview 3.40 Football

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.30 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: Danger in Paradise 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with...

Christian O'Connell 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 FILM: Rapid Fire 10.50 FILM: Wildly Available “It took a lot of work to get my autobiography turned into a made-for-TV film, but it’s all been worth it” - a proud TV Amy. 12.40 FILM: Divas 2.10 FILM: On the Yard With John Heard and Thomas Waites. If that’s the Tom Waits, this needs to be watched. 3.50 Monsters 4.15 The Love Boat 5.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 News 12.40 F1: Austrian Grand Prix Qualifying 2.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 3.15 FILM: Calamity Jane 5.05 News 5.35 Blind Date 6.35 You've Been Framed! 7.00 Stars in Their Eyes Kids A night in with a takeaway (extra sauce, please) for the paedos among you.

“What night’s this on again?” Tristan. 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.05 MIT 10.05 FILM: Never Been Kissed 11.05 News 11.20 FILM: Never Been Kissed Ooh, a superior example of the teen high school rom-com genre here, featuring the lovely Drew Barrymore. Has to be said though, she doesn’t quite convince as a virgin. 12.25 FILM: The Puppet Masters 2.20 CD:UK 3.10 Entertainment Now! 3.35 ITV at the Festivals 2002 Don’t fucking talk to me about festivals. Fucking tickets selling out fucking no money left fucking fuck. Grr. 4.30 Cybernet 4.55 ITV Nightscreen To all flatmates of text gods who may or may not wish to get in touch: you know where the office is.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News This edition of TV Desk is dedicated to the late, lamented Nina Simone, an unparalleled legend of soul. And you better believe she had soul.

6.10 The Hoobs 7.00 F3 on 4 7.30 Trans World Sport 8.30 Cricket Show 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Vee-TV 10.30 Dirty Laundry 11.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 11.50 FILM: The Admirable Crichton 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Newbury and Nottingham 4.00 Castle 5.00 Newyddion 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Llanelli v Neath 7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7.30 Tipyn O Stad Heather feels guilty, and Stud surprises her. Lucky girl. If only a stud would surprise TV Desk.

8.00 Tri Tenor yn Tsieina 9.30 FILM: Escape from New York 11.20 Boys and Girls No one watches this and it will assuredly be axed soon. Yay! 12.25 FILM: The Young Poisoner's Handbook This looked good on Channel 4 last week. Hmm. Not so much that I watched it, though. 2.10 KOTV 2.40 FILM: Blanche Fury Gothic melodrama about an ambitious, yet penniless ladies' companion, who is invited to meet her distant relatives, the Furys of Claire Hall. On arrival, she is warned about the headstrong groom who, as the illegitimate son of the late owner, has designs on the property, and soon on Blanche herself. This sounds FUCKING AWESOME. Theatrical overacting alert!

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 Wideworld 6.35 Wideworld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.25 Roobarb 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.25 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Beast Wars 11.00 The Adventures of Sinbad 11.55 The Tribe 12.55 Popular 1.50 Harry and Cosh Gold 2.20 Daria 2.45 The Smash Hits Chart 3.15 Home and Away Omnibus 5.20 FILM: Jason and the Argonauts 7.15 Charmed This is the new Buffy. You work out whether that’s a compliment or not.

8.05 Dark Angel Max stumbles on a group of transgenics who survive by drinking their leader's blood. Like the gair rhydd staff.

Yes, Our Editor has been reduced to a bloodless husk.

She’s at the critical level of the burnout scale, you know.

8.55 five news and sport 9.05 CSI: Miami 10.00 Law and Order 11.00 FILM: The Final Cut 12.55 FILM: Russ Meyer's Common Law Cabin 2.05 Xena: Warrior Princess 2.45 Xena: Warrior Princess 3.30 Melrose Place 4.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.25 First Wave 5.10 Sons and Daughters Oh dear, Riath and Tristan are getting each other wet again. Boys, control your hormones. At least until the pizza arrives.

Saturday 17 May

21

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Sunday 18 May BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 7.10 Match of the Day 8.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 1.00 Dad's Army 1.40 Keeping Up Appearances 2.10 EastEnders 4.00 My Family 4.30 Points of View 4.45 BBC News 5.05 Regional News 5.10 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show Anything related to Chelsea, football or otherwise, should be treated with disdain.

All those bloody skinheads with tattoos on their necks, you know those pensioners are packing heat too.

6.10 FILM: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom What happened to the little Chinese kid who was Indy’s sidekick?

Last seen in The Goonies.

Someone let me know.

8.00 Born and Bred 9.00 State of Play Could be about cricket, but I doubt it.

Cricketers’ Wives would have been a bit shit wouldn’t it?

Alison falls asleep while Toby explains the lbw rule. Toby has a wank to improve his wrist spinners..

10.00 BBC News 10.15 Panorama: The War Party 10.55 FILM: Fled 12.35 FILM: The Assassination File 2.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 Fix and Foxi 7.00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7.30 Smile 10.30 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 10.50 So Little Time 11.15 Young Indiana Jones Chronicles 12.35 Robot Wars Extreme II 1.20 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 World Superbikes 3.25 Rugby Special Live 5.50 Songs of Praise Hymns include O Praise Ye the Lord, Purify My Heart and Tenacious D’s Fuck Her Gently.

6.25 Scrum V Gruntby. Football for fat and gay public schoolboys.

7.15 Correspondent: War Spin John Kampfner explores how, in the war on Iraq, the coalition used the embedding of cameramen and reporters with military units to swing public opinion, traces the roots of the tactic, and asks whether the coalition played it straight with the journalists. Does Saddam shit in a cave? Maybe..

8.00 Top Gear 9.00 Battleplan: El Alamein 10.00 24 Jack interrogates Syed Ali, while Kim is rescued by a hunter. A bounty hunter? Like Bobba Fett? Cool dude!

10.45 This Life Still fucking A. Egg is still the only Man U fan I’ve ever liked.

11.25 FILM: Sweet and Lowdown 2.00 Maths

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Big Bang 9.40 Brilliant Creatures 10.00 Art Attack 10.25 How II 10.45 My Favourite Hymns 11.45 ITV News; Weather 11.55 HTV News and Weather 12.00 F1: Austrian Grand Prix Live 3.05 Planet's Funniest Animals 3.25 I Want That House 3.55 Waterfront 4.30 HTV News and Weather 4.45 FILM: Bean 6.15 Wish You Were Here...?

6.45 ITV News 7.00 Emmerdale Sam wants to make his last night with Tomiko a night to remember. Tomiko?

Has Emmerdale finally realised there is a world outside of Yorkshire? Eee-by-gum.

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Blue Murder Detective Digweed investigates the case of a nude serial killer known as the ‘Stripper Ripper’. Co-starring Shannon “Wabs” Tweed. Not really.

10.30 ITV Weekend News 10.45 The South Bank Show 11.45 F1: Austrian Grand Prix If ever a sport needed a makeover it’s this. After the start it’s as dull as TV Alex talking about why he’s so great. Bring back Chariot racing with whips and stuff I reckon.

12.50 FILM: The Party 2.35 Trisha “Just because I like the brown-love it doesn’t make me gay” 3.30 World Sport 4.00 ITV Nightscreen

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 3.25 Bob the Builder and Friends: Bill and Ben and Bob the Builder 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.35 Lizzie McGuire 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Bargain Hunt Live The tango’d duke returns!

7.30 X-Ray 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Murphy's Law Utter, utter, utter shite. Throw bricks at the TV if someone puts it on.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Sitcom Story 11.35 Stupid Punts 12.05 This Is Dom Joly 12.35 Re:covered 1.10 FILM: Woo 2.30 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 UBOS 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 X-periMENTAL 8.00 TazMania 8.20 The Wayne Manifesto 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Binka 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 FILM: Press for Time 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Trade Secrets 1.10 Taxi 1.40 FILM: Paper Moon 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional New 3.30 Escape to the Country Revisited 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Double Take 10.00 Shooting Stars 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Warnings from History 12.00 Profile 12.30 Talking about Care 1.00 Playing Safe 1.30 Exam Success 2.00 Work Talk: Spain

University Challenge BBC2 8pm

Columbo: Murder in Malibu five 6.15pm

S4C

five

6.20 The Hoobs 6.45 Blue's Clues 7.15 Insektors 7.30 Salty's Lighthouse 7.55 Totally Spies! 8.25 Taina 8.50 Taina 9.15 Family Guy 9.40 Dirty Laundry 10.10 As If 10.40 As If 11.10 Stargate SG1 12.00 Sioe Fideo Huw Stephens 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 FILM: Duel at Diablo 3.55 Maniffesto 4.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion News.

5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Dilyn Ddoe: Ivor Novello 9.00 Eric Jones: A'i Draed ar u Ddaear Eric Jones heads for central Mexico to base-jump into the world's largest cave the `Cave of Swallows' (snigger). This is an awesome feat - a 1,200 ft drop into the void, with just a small landing area in the darkness beneath, where the slightest error could lead to serious injury or even death. Someone’s got something to prove! Small cock is my bet.

10.05 Newyddion News.

10.20 FILM: Aliens Wickeed!

1.10 100 Years 100 Passions

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 Wideworld 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.50 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Babar 9.25 George Shrinks 9.55 Wishbone 10.30 Braceface 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 FAQ 12.00 Revelations 12.35 The Smash Hits Chart 1.05 five news update 1.10 FILM: Nadine 2.40 Dream Machine 3.10 Be a Grand Prix Driver 3.45 Fifth Gear: Roll-Over 4.15 FILM: Springfield Rifle 6.00 five news 6.15 FILM: Columbo: Murder in Malibu 8.00 Lights, Camera, Accident 8.30 Movie Mistakes Uncovered Uncut With Nick Frost from Spaced. A very funny bloke stuck on Channel Five, give him your time people.

9.00 FILM: Universal Soldier 11.00 The FBI Files 12.05 Ironman Triathlon: Panama City, Florida 12.55 Major League Baseball Live: Houston Astros v Philadelphia Phillies 4.30 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Reality Bites 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Rupert 4.00 As Told by Ginger 4.30 Black Hole High 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed!

Lisa Riley blubbers her way round a rickety set to the cackle of canned laughter. I contemplate ending my miserable existence by smoking a dynamite filled spliff.

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Blue Murder Oh just fuck off ITV. Your shows suck and you have too many advert breaks. Look at todays listings!

Parade of cunts!

10.30 ITV News 11.00 FILM: Snow Falling on Cedars 1.20 Champions League Weekly 1.45 Today with Des and Mel 2.35 Wish You Were Here...? 3.00 Painting the Stars 3.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.45 Entertainment Now! 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 1.00 Ari Awyren 1.15 Full Metal Challenge 2.15 The City Gardener 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 4.15 Planed Plant: Sgiliau Mas Draw 4.25 Planed Plant: Torri Bol 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks Is this still going? Riath, why do you watch this cack? “Cos there’s loadsa fit girls! Woof! Woof! I drink lager!” Nuff said.

6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio Morgan Jones presents a round-up of the weekend's soccer action from Serie A, the Primera Liga and the Bundesliga.

10.35 So Graham Norton 11.15 The Sopranos Uncle Junior is hospitalised after an incident at the courthouse. Tony seeks revenge for a fire at the stables. I wonder if Tony is still slipping a length to Valentina?

12.20 Will and Grace 12.50 How to Be a Man 1.15 Twelfth Night

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: Before He Wakes 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 Britain's Worst Driver 8.30 Be a Grand Prix Driver 9.00 FILM: Payback 11.05 99 Things to Do before You Die 1. Skull-fuck Blazin’ Squad (Thanks Riath). 2. Play “Office Chair Sumo”. 3. Write something stupid in a student newspaper when you should be revising. 4. Get the word cunt printed on your page. 5. Dance around in your underpants to ABBA. 11.35 Shock Video With Adam and Joe, hurrah!

12.05 US PGA Golf: EDS Byron Nelson 12.55 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 1.45 AMA Motocross 3.15 Motorsport Mundial 3.40 Boxing:

Monday 19 May

Television

BBC1

GRiP

elevision

GRiP

22

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Tuesday 20 May BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 3.25 Tikkabilla 3.45 Arthur 4.10 50/50 4.35 Ace Lightning 5.00 Really Wild Show 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Bargain Hunt Live David Dickinson presents a live edition of Bargain Hunt from Exeter in Devon. Tristan, you’re from round there. What bargains are to be found? “Anything which would improve sex with siblings.

Possibly handcuffs.” 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Cutting It 10.00 News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Extreme Lives 11.45 Tabloid Tales: Heather Mills McCartney One leg. That’s thought-provoking. No brain cells. She’s not. 12.25 FILM: The Andromeda Strain “It’s all about a killer bug which comes from space” - Music Desk. Does it star Geri Halliwell? 2.35 Sign Zone: See Hear 3.20 Sign Zone: So What Do You Do All Day? Slave away in a smelly office trying to be funny. And it’s all for YOU. 3.50 Sign Zone: Monsters We Met 4.20 Sign Zone: The Food Police 4.50 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Classical and Romantic Music - Putting on the Style This sounds very good. Improve your mind. 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 1.15 Watch 1.30 Butterflies 2.00 Talking Movies 2.25 am.pm 3.00 News 3.10 Racing from Goodwood 4.00 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link Andy and Amy have just won £4 on the machine in the Taf. They’re gamblers, fornicators, alcoholics and general all-round sinners.

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 TOTP 2 7.30 Your Money or Your Life 8.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 9.00 Crash of an Internet Porn King: Operation Landslide 10.00 Velvet Soup A school nativity play is heckled, and some submariners lose their nerve. Pchuh, going down’s nothing to be scared of.

10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on Two: The Secrets of the Black Diaries 12.25 The Witness 12.30 Open University: Giotto: The Arena Chapel 1.20 Ever Wondered?

1.30 On Pictures and Paintings 2.00 Secondary Schools: PSHE: Lifeschool 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Reality Bites 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 News 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Engie Benjy 3.55 The Worst Witch 4.30 Girls in Love Good to see the tATu influence prevailing over kids’ TV. Playground lesbianism - it’s the way forward. And indeed backward, and downward.

5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed! 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale Andy's in the doghouse for his un-PC behaviour. Music Desk’s Andy is in the doghouse for very different reasons. Filthy Amy! “Woof woof! Grrr-owl!” - TV Amy. 7.30 Summer on Gower 8.00 The Bill 9.00 FILM: Die Hard with a Vengeance 10.00 News 10.30 FILM: Die Hard with a Vengeance “Bruce Willis is quite bald” - TV Amy confirming that all people in relationships are boring. “If he dies hard, will they have trouble closing the coffin lid?” - Music Desk. 11.50 FILM: The Final Countdown 1.50 Austrian Grand Prix Replayed 4.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News FUCKING CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK. THIS WEEK, TV DESK HATES COMPUTERS. GRRR ARRRGH FZZZGGDDDD. Ah, that’s better.

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Mummy 4.35 CBBC Winner Stays On 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Bargain Hunt Live 7.30 Match of the Day Live: UEFA Cup Final: Celtic v Porto Music Desk predicts Celtic to win or whatever they’re supposed to do, who are apparently pronounced ‘Seltic’, because football fans are all fucking thick. Jesus, this is a crap sport.

10.00 BBC News 10.35 Belonging 11.05 999 11.45 FILM: Johnny Mnemonic 1.20 Sign Zone: Panorama 2.00 Sign Zone: Tabloid Tales 2.40 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 3.10 Sign Zone: Death by DIY 3.35 Sign Zone: Death by DIY 4.00 Joins BBC News 24 If TV Amy hasn’t informed you that we love the Yeah Yeah Yeahs album, I’ll do so now.

6.00 Open University: Independent Living 6.30 CBeebies 11.00 am.pm 1.00 The Storyteller 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Racing from Goodwood 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 TOTP 2 7.30 The Flying Gardener 8.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show Passionate growers are the focus. So they should be.

TV Desk likes passionate growers. 9.00 Althorp after Diana 9.50 Headhunting the Homeless How very Patrick Bateman. Kill all tramps! 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on Two: The King of Communism 12.25 The Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Unusual Suspects 1.00 South Korea: The Struggle for Democracy 1.30 Management in Chinese Cultures 2.00 Secondary Schools Languages: Lifeschool 4.00 Languages: Italianissimo 1316 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism: Selling and Communication Skills

FILM: White Squall ITV1 11.30pm

FILM: Baby Snatcher five 3.40pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Caffi Sali Mali 12.55 Plismon Puw 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Wreck Detectives 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Mali O 4.30 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Sioe Fideo 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Dudley Recipes include chicken korma and tuna pasta Nicoise.

Er, that’s not very ambitious, is it? Nigella has this Dudley character beat down. 9.00 Selling Houses 9.30 Location, Location, Location 10.00 So Graham Norton 10.40 The West Wing 11.40 The Clinic Louise wants an operation on her nose. However, she must first overcome her fear of all things medical. And her unutterable stupidity. 12.10 NYPD Blue 1.05 FILM: Graveyard Shift 2.45 This Is So Solid Where did they go, eh? 4.00 Ysgolion/Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: Baby Snatcher “Well, we’ve all thought about it. They’re ready when they leave school, and they leave school at half past three” - Riath knows all about this film.

5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with...

Christian O'Connell 8.00 Ultimate Hovercraft 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Boomtown 10.50 Hideous Crimes: Secrets from the Black Museum 11.50 Boxing: Fight of the Week Christopher Reeve v Stephen Hawking. 12.40 NHL Ice Hockey 4.30 Major League Soccer

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Reality Bites 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Rupert 4.00 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.30 The Worst Witch 5.00 Crossroads Max warns Ethan he will kill him if he goes near Angel again. Bishop Black tells young Max he is evil and throws him out. Mary tries to stop Bishop Black from hurting young Ethan. Wow. These listings are... kind of twisted.

There’re some weird-ass religious undertones, at any rate. Impressive. 5.30 You've Been Framed! 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here! The Reunion 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Naughtiest of TV's Naughtiest Blunders 11.30 FILM: White Squall Ridley Scott goes all homoerotic. Lots of naked, wet young men. Excellent. 1.50 Today with Des and Mel 2.35 Ghost Stories 3.00 World Sport 3.25 World Football 3.50 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah” - Kelly Osbourne: a good space filler.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Caio 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Miffi 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Wreck Detectives 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks Matt finds himself over a barrel with Scott. Fnarr!

6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Byd Pws 9.00 04 Wal 9.30 Taro Naw 10.00 Brookside Ali's 17th birthday goes off with a bang.

“Like a firework up the wrong ‘un” - Music Desk.

11.30 So Graham Norton 12.10 Heather Mills: The Real Mrs McCartney 1.10 The People's Book of Records 1.40 Desert Darlings 2.40 Copa Libertadores I’d like to make it known that I (TV Amy) am in no way boring, despite the fact that I am in a successful relationship with a very lovely man. TV Alex is merely jealous as his only successful relationships have been with his right hand and some vaseline. (Pchuh. My Russians will tell you differently - TV Alex.)

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Columbo: Make Me a Perfect Murder 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Sally and Shauna find themselves stuck together.

What, like, with glue? Or milkshake? Fnarr anyway! 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 Dream Machine 8.30 Fifth Gear: Road Rage 9.00 FILM: The Matrix OK, so this is the most overrated pile of wank ever.

Really, there’s nothing to it apart from some poxy special effects and, er, that’s about it. Cleverclever computers do not a good film make. 11.35 Animatrix: Final Flight of the Osiris 11.50 The Making of Matrix Reloaded Matrix overload, more like. At least it’s on five where it belongs; the viewers will be used to televisual wankery by now. 12.25 NHL Ice Hockey 4.45 Australian Rules Football 5.35 Fastrax

Wednesday 21 May

23

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

GRiP

Thursday 22 May BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 3.25 CBeebies: Balamory 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 All or Nothing 4.35 Viva S Club 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Bargain Hunt Live 7.30 EastEnders Kat deals with rejection by talking to Alfie, and Phil decides he can't stay away from his past as a stunt double for Mr Potato Head in Toy Story.

8.00 Bailiffs 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 Panorama: The Chicken Run 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 Match of the Day: England v South Africa Christ, more mutiple substitution nonsense one suspects.

Rooney to net.

12.45 This Week 1.35 FILM: Nowhere to Hide 3.05 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Global Warming: Global Policy? 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.00 Blue Peter 7.30 TazMania 7.50 Ocean Odyssey 8.15 Snailsbury Tales 8.30 Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Watch 10.50 Words and Pictures Plus 11.05 Pod's Mission 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 FILM: Perfect Day 11.50 FILM: Hog Wild 12.10 FILM: Me and My Pal 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Butterflies 1.30 International Golf and Racing from Goodwood 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 TOTP 2 7.30 History Hunters 8.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower 9.00 Get a New Life 9.50 I'll Show Them Who's Boss 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 15 Storeys High 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.30 Open Science: Wild Moves 1.05 Hollywood Science 1.15 Background Brief - Time Travel for Beginners 1.30 Volcanoes and the Atmosphere 2.00 The Roof of the World 2.30 Giotto: The Arena Chapel

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Reality Bites 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Engie Benjy 3.55 Sitting Ducks 4.05 Art Attack 4.30 Black Hole High 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed!

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Bad Girls NOOO!! Please ITV, spare us.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Club Reps: The Workers The adventures of Essex girls abroad. Tracey picks up her second STI to the amusement of Samatha.

11.00 Barry Welsh Is Coming Cos he’s been watching Club Reps and having one off the wrist. Dirty beggar.

11.30 The Pop Factory I went for a job here, but I didn’t get itBitter Ed 12.00 Night and Day 1.00 Now and Again 1.50 Hardcore Candy: Extreme Athletes 2.15 The Arctic Challenge 2003 2.40 Cybernet 3.05 Trisha 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2 6.00 Open University: The True Geometry of Nature 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 Sheeep 7.00 All or Nothing 7.30 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 7.50 Round the Twist 8.15 Snailsbury Tales 8.30 Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 BBC Primary History 10.40 Look and Read 11.00 Megamaths: Tables 11.20 Writing Across the Curriculum 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Butterflies 1.30 International Golf 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Scrum V Live: Bridgend v Cardiff 9.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 10.00 The Thin Blue Line 10.30 Newsnight With Gavin Esler.

11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Later with Jools Holland 12.35 FILM: The Underneath 3.00 Special Education: Hands Up!

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.35 Kerching!

5.00 Serious Jungle 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Bargain Hunt Live 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Phil braves Dalton's gang, wondering if he's made the right decision. Mind out Phil! They’re armed with pottery!

8.30 My Family 9.00 The Big Impression 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.25 FILM: Top Gun 1.15 FILM: Space Truckers .2.45 Joins BBC News 24

After They Were Famous ITV1 11pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 10.30 Cricket: First Test: England v Zimbabwe 12.45 News at Noon 12.55 The Lunch Break 1.25 Cricket: First Test: England v Zimbabwe 6.00 Friends 6.30 Friends 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Tipyn O Stad What is Rita's game? Badminton with live shrews for shuttlecocks.

9.00 Everest: Y Cyswllt Cymreig Professor R Merfyn 10.00 Lolipop 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Gaza About the Gaza strip. GR’s list of most hated countries: 1. USA. George Bush, nuff said. 2. “Israel” Arab Desk. 3. Kuwait. “They steal my oil” - Arab Desk again.

4. Liechtenstein. “You’re Swiss, get over it. Poxy little country” Angry News Desk.

12.10 Frasier 12.40 Today at the Test: England v Zimbabwe 1.10 Bare Knuckle Boxer 2.10 Top Ten TV

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: O'Hara US Treasury 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 Mini Me: 9.00 The Curse of Big Brother 10.00 Celebrity Detox Camp 11.00 X-Rated Ambition: The Traci Lords Story Fantastic!

Young Traci started her career in jizz showers at the tender age of 15. Then the FBI found out, uh-oh!

12.05 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v PSV Eindhoven 1.35 Argentinian Football

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Reality Bites 2.30 Inspirations 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Rupert 4.00 As Told by Ginger 4.30 Globo Loco 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed!

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor 8.30 Hornblower 10.30 ITV Weekend 11.00 After They Were Famous Gary Coleman (legend) from the TV series Diff'rent Strokes, Ginger Baker (good drummer) and Mike Winters, brother of Bernie (whohe?). What about the ones that matter like Macauley Culkin? I saw him in the video for Sunday

by Sonic Youth, then nothing...

Hmm...

11.35 Thomas Jones: An Artist Rediscovered 12.05 The Making of the Matrix Reloaded 12.35 FILM: Spaceballs 2.15 Forever 3.10 Entertainment Now! 3.35 Ghost Stories 4.00 World Football 4.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.55 ITV Nightscreen

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 10.30 Cricket: First Test: England v Zimbabwe 12.45 The Lunch Break 1.25 Cricket: First Test: England v Zimbabwe 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Darn o Dir 7.00 Popcorn Live entertainment programme with hot showbiz gossip. Caryl Parri Jones joins Ian and Bethan in the studio and Eirlys chats to John Challis. Big name guest ahoy!

7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Clwb Garddio 8.30 Pobol y Cwm It is a disappointing day for Meic, Sara and Jason. They all get their cow harrasing licences revoked.

Well, what do they do for fun in Caerphilly?

9.00 To Be Announced 10.05 V Graham Norton The irrepressible Graham Norton presides over a fluid. There’s more to this listing but I thought I’d leave it at that.

10.45 To Be Announced 11.50 Boys and Girls Utter shite. Vernon Kay, I pity you.

12.25 To Be Announced 2.00 Today at the Test: England v Zimbabwe 2.30 Brazilian Football Championship 2003 My favourite word today is ‘tiddlywinks’. There, I’ve said it.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: San Francisco International 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 FILM: Inferno A loner whose suicide attempt is interrupted by a gang of thugs decides to make it his mission to stamp out the warfare between two local gangs.

Complete guff then.

10.50 FILM: On the Edge A luscious young lawyer gets caught without her briefs. Yes, you know what to expect people. It’s flange night on five!

12.30 FILM: Mother Night 2.30 FILM: Yearling 4.00 The Love Boat 4.50 Monsters 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters

Friday 23 May

Television

BBC1

Bargain Hunt Live BBC1 7pm

gair rhydd 12 05 03

24 •

Cardiff University Students’ Union Entertainments Proudly Presents

Summer Ball TWO THOUSAND & THREE Sugababes Featuring

TWO THOUSAND & THREE

East 17 Jean Jaques Smoothie

Björn Again Plus MC Keith Chegwin Plus Casino, Circus Performers, Tattoo Artists & loads more

FRIDAY 13th JUNE Cardiff International Arena 7pm - 2am

Tickets £30.00 adv

available from Students Union Box Office Tel: 029 2078 1458 (no booking fee) or on-line at www.wayahead.com (subject to booking fee)

Features

gair rhydd features section Free Word 739 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

12 05 03

Are we a nation of flirters?

Here Karen Richards Looks at why, when it comes to flirting, our Body Language is the new chat up line....

Is that a gun in your pants...?

Y

ou’ve just been introduced to the person that’s been occupying your eyes all evening and brush your hand through your hair, what am I talking about? Flirting of course. Your mouth goes dry and you could quite literally go weak at the knees. So what do you do?

Your brain’s kicked your body into action.

They say that love is a drug and it’s true. The butterflies and ‘love sickness’ are a result of the brain chemical phenythethylamine (PEA) being released. While all this is happening you are still trying desperately to figure out what his or her name is.

Recent research has shown that girls have the ability to baffle boys with signals that they perceive to be purely friendly. However, for women they are usually nothing more than a series of signals they are using to work out if this male has any potential. Flirting comes from the old French word fleurter, meaning to flower. Forget the small talk, when it comes to flirting, most of us have intuitively sexy signals that we often perform subconsciously in the presence of someone we are trying to attract.

The right moves will have him or her captured, whether it’s twirling your hair or tilting your head at an angle of precisely 30 degrees.

However, it is not as straight forward as this.

How good are we at interpreting these signals?

Men are assumed to be the initiators in ‘courtship’. I found quite a different story. I decided with the help of some friends, to test and observe some of the most popular techniques to see what happens. First up was the light-hearted flirtatious banter. Saying ‘hi’ deliberately, smiling and making eye contact with strangers was difficult when trying to do it consciously. What many people do not realise is that we are often flirting subconsciously. A certain confidence is achieved from creating suspense in interaction. Women are more confident than ever and don’t mind initiating conversation with someone they are romantically interested in.

Next is ‘gaze’, the direct, unblinking of the eye. If held for more than three seconds it can be as powerful as brushing alongside someone to attract their attention. I asked several women if they tend to use this technique and the general consensus was ‘yes’. They said that they found it exciting and hoped to achieve eye contact with the desired individual. So what

about the guys? Most men I spoke to said they preferred to initiate conversation and create the window for opportunity rather than play the ‘games’ that women seem to enjoy so much.

Perhaps the most popular and frequently used technique was hair tossing. This is often

structured relaxation of the evening. Flirtatious behaviour which we might not necessarily be able to get away with in the day is often acceptable at night.

Researchers have found that two thirds of flirtatious encounters initiated by women share

by being a student we do not need to struggle to find topics of mutual interest and, again, may often find ourselves subconsciously flirting. This idea questions the boundaries between male and female friendships. Is it possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex or indeed the same without sparks flying occasionally? Sometimes the boundaries become fuzzy and you might find yourself flirting with one of your closest friends. What makes us friends with some people anyway? Is it that there is an element of attraction which is the deciding factor? Some of the best relationships have been a result of an amazing friendship first.

It doesn’t matter where or how we meet people, whether it’s Hugh Grant style and spilling orange juice all down Julia Roberts top, or missing that train like Gwyneth Paltrow and finding herself sitting next to the man of her dreams. These kinds of situations call upon our best skills to perceive the situation and act accordingly. So when flirting it’s worth using that smile of yours. I found that flirting doesn’t need to be learned we discovered that people knew how to flirt all along and were damn good at. Flirting creates a feel good factor and transmits it to others so go forth and enjoy the art and etiquette of one of the nations favourite past times!

5 super cheesy chat up lines subconscious but nevertheless very successful in indicating to a man that she is well groomed and giving herself the maximum attraction value. When I asked girls whether they felt they used this technique they responded that on making eye contact with someone it was almost an instant reaction to run their fingers though their hair. Why I asked ? They replied that is was a mix of confirming that they had received the signal and were reciprocating in a harmless, fun creation of appearing sexy and dignified.

Chat up lines are a thing of the past. When meeting someone new, more can be revealed through the use of body language than fancy words. So how often do we flirt? The potential is always around. We don’t need to be on a night out. However, flirting is most socially accepted at parties and celebrations where it is almost expected. This is because of the

the characteristic known as “female proceptivity”. They are even asking men out.

When I asked women if they would be happy to do this, the majority were not hesitant in responding that they would. Comments such as “men don’t really understand what is going on when it comes to flirting” featured in some of the answers. This is not to say that they are stupid, it is just that they do not view the interaction in the same way that women do.

Women often test the water whilst men on the whole like to make a snap decision. Research has shown that men find it difficult to interpret the more subtle cues in women’s body language mistaking friendliness for sexual interest.

But hold on, lets not forget about educational establishments. They are hot-beds of flirting. The shared lifestyle means that initiating conversation is much easier. Simply

Have you got any raisins? Would you like a date?

Quick, somebody call the cops, you just stole my heart.

Is that a run in your stockings, or is it the stairway to heaven?

Is your dad a thief cos’ he stole the stars and put them in your eyes I’ve lost my phone number can I have yours?

Top 5 ways to get noticed <3 Be interesting by being interested <3 Be yourself <3 Don’t be afraid to make the first move! <3 Be a good listener <3 Smile and have fun!

features meeting, mondays @ 1.15pm

gair rhydd 12 05 03

14 • Features

Live the drea

...

If spending your life working down the local takeaway doesn’t appeal, read Annika Anderson’s guide to sorting out your life. After all, you can’t be professor in charge of watching Countdown forever

T

here are many memories from university that in a couple of years’ time you will not be able to recall without a smile appearing on your face: random drunken nights out, making those unforgettable friends, and the feeling of freedom when living away from home for the first time.

Now you are once again faced with the stress of grades, exams, as well as the pressure to find graduate employment. No need to panic. All you confused finalists out there keep reading and things will hopefully seem a bit clearer.

A finalist student has several options to consider: doing a postgraduate course, taking a gap year, travel or finding employment.

Many of us have not even started thinking about these options for a number of reasons whilst others have their future dream jobs lined up. Inasmuch as a degree opens doors, students who get the top quality jobs are those who plan ahead and start early enough to ensure they meet the early closing dates.

However there are many companies that recruit all year around, so if you have missed the crucial deadlines then do not panic. Some people go to University, spend three years in the library and then leave. These people leave University with firsts, but also leave without having experienced what University is truly all about. Learning encompasses more than just ‘academic learning’. A degree is not necessarily the most important thing you will need when you leave and employers certainly take the same view.

Students are told to study hard but when they enter the graduate market they find that they need to be more well rounded. It is a tough balancing act.

In the UK more people are going to university than ever before (45% of 21-yearolds now, whereas in 1979 it was 12.5%) and therefore the competition for graduate jobs is as frantic as the competition for university places. What employers look for is relevant work experience that demonstrates commitment and transferable personal attributes, such as oral and written communication skills. 85% of all graduates will leave with at least a 2:2, so there is little to choose between them academically. What makes the difference are the skills and experiences they have gained whilst at university. In your final year you are trying to do and experience as many things as possible, all while completing the academic work as well. Karen Cooke at the Student Development Unit (SDU) emphasises the fact that it is all about prioritising and doing this to the best of your ability. The SDU offers courses ranging from presentation and IT skills to meditation. These can be signed up for on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union and are free for students. There are a variety of reasons to do the sessions, such as boosting your confidence, mixing with different people in groups or for CV purposes. Karen says that a good idea is to write down a list of everything you have

experienced and done. What skills do these show? And also what skills are missing? For example, if you have no presentation skills then you could look at how you acquire them before graduating and bridging that gap.

The Careers Service situated at 5 Corbett Road, next to Aberdare Hall is another very

useful service for all students. Here they offer a wide range of activities including workshops in taking time out, writing CVs, and going to interviews. If you want to find out what it is like to work in a certain profession then the career talks are very useful. The service also provides work experience opportunities as well as a work placement scheme during the summer, and in the latter the student is paid. Several fairs are

arranged including a Graduate Recruitment Fair in June where you have the opportunity to meet graduate employers, to talk to them informally and pass on your CV. Another service is the Student Tutoring Programme where students volunteer to help teachers out in the classroom in schools in Cardiff. Julie

Hepburn, Careers Consultant at the Careers Service recommends that if you are unclear about what career to pursue then arrange to see a careers adviser who can set you straight and offer some practical advice to get your career on the right track. However before you arrange to see a careers consultant you need to spend some time thinking about what it is you want to do. You are not going to wake up one day and know what you want to

do, believe me, I have tried that tactic myself. So grab the bull by its horns today and actually think about what career you could imagine yourself doing and what is important to you - after all, it is your life.

Julie Hepburn also mentions that all Cardiff graduates can use the facilities after they graduate. If, for example, you take a gap year you can still come back and use the facilities. The Careers Service is a useful resource that we can all visit in person or make use of their website (address listed below), which is packed with information for us confused finalists. If things are getting a bit overwhelming then do not suffer on your own. There is always someone who is willing to help and with whom you can speak at the Student Development Unit and the Careers Service. Julie Hepburn emphasises that even if you finish your final exams and have not started thinking about what you want to do then you can still go to the Careers Service and they will help you out. It is never too late to use the services.

When thinking about your career try to look at it as a series of stepping stones. If you don’t get the job of your choice you could also try doing some other jobs that may help you to build up the skills and the relevant connections so that you are in a stronger position for the future. Do not be too hard on yourself. Not all graduates get on to graduate schemes or step straight into their ideal job.

A lot of students do a range of temporary jobs before they really get a feel for what they enjoy. Paul Edwards, Swansea Students’ Union President 1996-1998, did engineering as a graduate and a MBA in Business studies. Today he finds himself in education consulting and marketing, demonstrating that no doors are really closed. This is nowhere near where he thought he would end up on graduation day but it does prove, as he says, “that your experiences and skills are as important as that little piece of paper that you will get on graduation day”.

The main message is, then, to work hard at your degree but also make the most of the opportunities offered to you. Therefore make the most of your final year and cherish this experience to the full.

USEFUL WEBSITES: Careers Service’s homepage www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas Job and career information www.prospects.ac.uk Work placements www.cpw.org.uk Careers information www.realworlmagazine.com Job vacancies www.prospects.csu.man.ac.uk Student travel www.statravel.co.uk Agencies for temping abroad www.kellyservices.com

gair rhydd 12 05 03

Features • 15

Downhill with the kids Think skiing’s only for rich rugger buggers? Think again says Roger Knight, who explains how you can get six days full board in the Alps with a ski pass for under two hundred quid.

M

any of us would instinctively think that despite the fall in prices of airline tickets, skiing holidays are still outside the budget of most students.

Elitist stuff this skiing business? Only for the well-heeled? Just for those on twenty grand a year? Nothing could be further from truth.

In recent years skiing holidays in Europe have come well within the price range of ‘ordinary people’ including students. With a little savvy and a few Internet connections…

Take BMI Baby, for instance. The budget airline now flys out of Cardiff. Two friends of mine managed to get two return tickets from Cardiff to Malaga for the princely sum of thirty-six quid! That’s from Cardiff to Spain and back for £18 per person. From Malaga it was just a question of taking the bus up to the Sierras (£10), and the snowfields of the Spanish mountains were there for the taking.

In total, there are about 75 km of piste to ski, and though it sounds a lot, an average skier will cover this in a long weekend. With the Alps it’s a different story. And as it happens, BMI Baby are now flying to Geneva.

Those who argue that skiing is only for the rich would be right if we are talking about places like Verbier, Klosters, St. Moritz and the like.

A week’s break in one of these little 'off the beaten track' paradises could easily set you back a few grand. Now that is for the elite.

But combining a flight with a low cost airline and a deal with the French Youth Hostel organisation (FUAJ), you are virtually

For further infomation about ski-ing or boarding holidays at the hostels in Tignes or Seez contact :Hostel : A.J. "La Verdache" Address ;Post code : 73700 Town : Seez Phone : 0479410193 Fax : 0479410336 Mail : seez-les-arcs@fuaj.org

guaranteed cheap travel, great snow, and of course that old chestnut, la joie de vivre!

Prices at the tail end of the season often tumble as vacant chalet places come onto the market offering competitively priced accommodation, and there's the possibility of a season extended by late snowfalls. This is often the case as the 'official' ski season ends , although this is dependent on altitude. The higher you go, the greater the chance of late falls, and therefore late skiing and better budget prices.

With a late holiday, you also have plenty of time to shop around and plan it. As it happens at Tignes, you can ski up to 3,600 metres and at Seez you can get to Les Arcs which has high skiing over the 3000 metre mark as well.

This year has seen record falls of snow in the French Alps, so the season has been extended considerably.

It was with these thoughts in mind that Matt, a pal of mine, and I took off last month to visit the French Alps to check out the mountains, the snow and of course, the French hospitality.

Seez? Tignes? Never heard of them I hear you mutter. Well that’s the point. It's always the places that you've never heard of which are the most enticing, and sometimes offer up the best surprises.

Tignes is a well known resort, but Seez is a gem waiting to be discovered with its links to the huge resort of Les Arcs ( 500 kilometres of skiing), to La Rosiere and even to Italy. You can ski across the mountains and snap up a cappuccino in the shade of Mont Blanc on the Italian side, and still get home for tea and a glass of Vin Blanc to finish the day. We had been told that the French Youth Hostel system

(www.fuaj.org) is second to none, and that the prices were reasonable. We were not disappointed, the holiday was an amazing break at an amazing price, when I think about what was included.

Not being aware of the cheap airline deals back in January we opted for the overnight bus to the Alps. A long journey overnight on a bus can be a nightmare, particularly if your fairly tall, but luckily, this bus had beds. We managed to snatch a couple of hours sleep to arrive at Chambery - pretty knackered - in time for breakfast. The papers and a short rest later, we took the train on to Bourg St. Maurice and finally, a local bus up to Tignes.

We had decided to stay at Tignes for three days, and then at Seez for the rest of the week.

This way we would be able to explore the whole region.

The hostel at Tignes has recently been refurbished with freshly painted, light and airy dormitories, a new bar area, and a refitted kitchen, all adding up to a suitable environment within which to relax after a hard days piste-bashing. British youth hostels are beginning to catch up. The Backpacker youth hostels have given the YHA a bit of a ‘boot up the backside’ in recent years, offering budget accommodation to young people without a ‘curfew and the endless list of jobs to do’. Similarly the French youth hostels have liberalised, with no curfew, own keys, en suite bedrooms for two, four and upwards. Fuaj is actually a very pro-active organisation which not only offers tremendous accommodation and full-board deals, but it also goes out of its way to inspire you to travel, to meet others, to share ideas and to enjoy what’s on offer. And in Tignes, what was on offer was a huge ski domain with wonderful French food waiting for you. The three days we spent at Tignes were memorable mostly for the hospitality of the people.

‘Aussie Rodge’ served up lashings of well-prepared French food, lovingly prepared by the Bretonne chef and the staff, who took care of people’s needs in such a relaxed but professional way.

If you’re allergic to something there is no problem. If you’re

vegetarian that’s not an issue either. Well, I suppose after thousands of years of being the ‘Crossroad's of Europe’, it’s not really surprising that the French are still the masters of cuisine and hospitality. Food, of course, is one thing but we’re talking snow here, and loads of it too.

This did make skiing a little hazardous and some of the upper pistes were closed as a result of ‘too much snow’.

The local papers were full of stories of how some of the smaller resorts lower down the valley had been ‘saved’ as a result of such fantastic conditions. If it snows a lot at the lower levels, people find themselves work as waiters, bar men, ski guides or whatever. If they have a wet winter and the conditions are not good, then it’s a winter on the dole. At Tignes it’s never a problem; it snows in June and this means you can ski on the glacier in July and August.

In short, the skiing was a little otherworldly at Tignes. The few times we managed to get high up and see the milky January sun peep out behind the monstrous snow filled clouds, huge expanses of landscapes opened up leaving you feeling pretty insignificant as we skied down the half empty slopes. On the Tignes is an outstanding ski area. The hostel (which is set back in it’s own environs with local pub, social club, ski shop, church and a few hotels), was just about perfect.

Next stop Seez. ‘Mousse’ took us down the mountain, driving gingerly to avoid icy patches, drifts which had blown back on the roads, and also to avoid the gargantuan snow clearing machines that were everywhere cleaning the villages. Seez is the sister hostel of Tignes, located further down the mountain, in a charming, rustic timbered village which offers loads to do on days that you’re not skiing.

Continued over leaf

gair rhydd 12 05 03

16 • Features

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Seez is lower down than Tignes, so if you want to stay at Seez and ski at Tignes, it’s a long bus ride back up the mountain. But Fuaj have taken care of all that. You can ski at ‘Les Arcs’ 1600, 1800 and 2000 as well as at La Rosiere and also La Thuile.

The hostels are of a very high quality.

Beautifully angular buildings, include a maze of dormitories and shower rooms all set at certain points in the building guaranteeing you a wonderful view at all times. Take a shower and dry yourself with a view of towering snow peak caps!

The dining area was enormous, linking to the bar and video area. And still at budget prices. The next day we were met with a heart-warming breakfast of croissants, toast, coffee, cheese, cold meat and cereals.

The hostel bus takes you to a resort of your choice. On the way down to Les Arcs, I chatted to Steve, a middle-aged bloke from London. “I stayed in hotels for years. Then one year, quite by accident, I ended up in a Youth hostel. I haven’t stayed in a hotel since. You meet people at hostels, they’re friendly and the food is great.

There are no pretensions about it’’ I guess the average age at a French Youth hostel would be about 25, but the ageist thing went out of the window many years ago in France. On my table there was a couple from Normandy in their thirties, a couple from Poitiers in their twenties, a small group of Spanish people from the Basque country, a couple of teenagers from London and a little old chap from Paris.

Broken English and broken French were the ‘parlance’ at the table and chipping in for a few bottles of wine each night together made it all the more memorable. A rip-roaring log fire every night while it snowed outside made it unforgettable.

It is so much nicer than having your coffee and biscuits in your hotel room alone, before joining the other ‘guests’ for a ‘posh’ dinner, at which everyone exaggerates how good or how bad they are at skiing or snow boarding.

We had a few days at Les Arcs, the ‘Mont Blanc’ piste being my favourite. Les Arcs this year was inundated with skiers. I wondered where all the boarders had gone. “Probably Tignes”, Matt had ventured, “for the powder”.

I had to admit it, rather selfishly, I was glad. I spent half my time on the forest trails which are easy, tranquil and felt safe, perfect following a nasty bump.

I recommend plenty of headgear and loads of layers. Fall and bounce. That’s my motto. Matt was off, having got his ski legs and usually we met up at the end of each afternoon with our respective tales and we’d occasionally meet for lunch at one of the many sun-kissed cafes. Yes, the sun was back. One day of powder bashing left, and on the Friday we took the bus to the foot

of the slopes at La Rosiere where we were dropped off with Francois a young boarder from Paris. At the lift base at La Rosiere village, which is one of the prettiest ski resorts I’ve seen, we met up with Dermot from Dublin who had broken his wrist, but was still skiing. “I can’t miss these conditions” he insisted.

A very motley crew, we made our way via seat and button lifts to the top of a huge run that wound it’s way down to La Thuile. It was, after all, one of our objectives to get the chance to ski into Italy, and this was it. Somewhere along the line we had lost the young French bloke and Matt had lost one of his gloves, only to be reassured a few minutes later by a French ski guide, who had the necessary agility to bend down and pluck it up from the snow with his ski pole whilst traversing the slope. Ever skied at 2,500 metres with out a glove on? Kind of cold, I can tell you!

We hit a huge sixty per cent ‘black’ piste which Matthew thought was fun, but left me wondering about my insurance package. Still, we made it, less the Irishman who stopped for a coffee somewhere. I thought momentarily about my damp flat in Roath as we plunged into Italy for a sandwich and that long awaited cappuccino!

The only problem with the whole trip was the overnight bus from Victoria and all the hassles of changing buses and trains in the Alps. But with BMI Baby on our doorstep in Cardiff, there are no excuses. I’ll be flying to the Alps next time, and staying at a Youth hostel again. At £195 for six days skiing, full board, including breakfast, lunch and evening meal and with a week ski pass thrown in this takes a lot of beating. Seez and Fuaj also offer a great range of summer activities from white water rafting and canoeing, to mountain biking and glacier skiing. I’ll be

reporting on that shortly from the shores of Lake Annecy.

rogie@roofgarden.freeserve.co.uk

How to get there: BMI baby to Geneva and then coach to Bourg St Maurice or, Or by road: Highway till Albertville, then RN90 till Bourg Saint Maurice, then D902 Val d'Isere direction.

1,5km after Seez turn to right.

Train station at Bourg Saint Maurice at 4 Km. Bus station at Longefoy at 200m.

Opening dates: For Individuals : Jan 1 to May 11, May 24 to Sep 19 and Dec 20 to Dec 31 For Groups : May.11 to 23 - Sep.27 to Dec.20 Fo r T i g n e s : Auberge de Jeunesse 'Les Clarines' 73320 Tignes les Boisses, France.

(If you write, they will gladly send you a brochure) Telephone 0033 (0)4 79 41 03 36, or call Cardiff (01222) 215565.

You could also e mail them direct at seez-les-arcs@fuaj.org and also visit the website at : www.fuaj.org Bon voyage et bon ski en paradis!

PHOTOS: Roger Knight and Matt Salter

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Sport

12 May 2003

Page 23

grsport@hotmail.com

Glam rocked Scarlet fever breaks out

by World Cup as Newport disappoint finance fiasco Daniel Evans Mulls

THE LAST Principality Cup final of its kind failed to impress, or fuel any doubts that Welsh rugby is in need of a shake up.

Llanelli won the trophy for the 12th time, beating Newport 32-9 in what was a flat and anticlimactic finale.

A paltry 27,000 were spattered around the Millennium Stadium to see the professional send off for the competition which will be contested by semiprofessional versions of the traditional clubs next season.

When the regional squads are announced to compete in

the Celtic League and Heineken Cup, it will be a stage for young talent to develop alongside discarded veterans in a foundation tier of rugby.

For Newport, it was an opportunity to dispel recent criticism over the creativity of their back-line, but they disappointed once again by failing to score a solitary try.

In a stagnant first half they did contain the Scarlets though, with the experienced boot of Springbok Percy Montgomery building up a 9-3 lead.

On 33 minutes Shane Howarth, who will retire this season, threw a telegraphed inside pass on the Llanelli 22.

American flanker Dave Hodges intercepted and unleashed winger Mark Jones

who ran 80 yards for a try.

From then on the Black and Ambers were starved of the ball as Gareth Jenkins’ Scarlets slowly wore them down.

Then the coach made some decisive substitutions in prop Martyn Madden and Salesi Finau at fullback to add some power and penetration against tiring opposition.

The impact was immediate.

Finau compounded Howarth’s misery by bursting through his tame tackle, linking with Matthew Watkins, before man of the match Mark Jones scored his second to make it 17-9.

By this time glory was bound for Stradey Park and with the addition of Wales and Lions centre Mark Taylor to an already strong squad, they will have no problems

surviving on their own next year.

Injury-time tries from Scarlet captain Leigh Davies and Finau extended the margin and wrapped up the Cup in its 32nd year.

“It was great to close a chapter on this fantastic relationship we have had with this spectacle,” said Scarlet coach, Jenkins.

“It has been a big part of the last 30 years of Welsh rugby tradition and to think we have closed the relationship with a win is marvellous.”

For what has been the traditional centrepiece of Welsh rugby it is farewell, but if the sacrifice for a quality, competitive rugby structure pays off, the fans will soon find something else to cherish.

Scarlets win final cup before the rugby revolution

Awesome United gun down Arsenal title challenge Riath Al-Samarrai Muses and ponders From the glory hunt for the title to the dogfight against relegation, this season has proved the most unpredictable and fascinating in the Premiership’s eleven year history.

Repeating the success of last year’s brilliant double looked a formality for Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal side, but with just a few games remaining the Londoners’ championship charge ran out of steam, gifting Manchester United their eighth league title in eleven seasons.

Billed as the championship decider, the two sides met at Highbury in April, and with the points shared that day, Arsenal came into the title run-in holding the initiative.

But a disappointing draw at Bolton left Gunners fans praying for a Tottenham victory the next day against United. Would Spurs answer and come to the rescue of their sworn enemies?

Sadly for their North London neighbours, Spurs ignored Arsenal’s SOS and played out a terrible 2-0 defeat, condemning the Gunners to second spot, and relying on victory against Leeds United to save their dwindling championship hopes.

But even the finesse of Bergkamp and the twentythird strike of the season from PFA player of the year, Thierry Henry could not prevent the Londoners from a humiliating 3-2 defeat.

Whilst Peter Reid’s men secured Premiership safety in a season they would rather forget, losing six leading stars, a manager and financial stability, Manchester United and Lancashire engravers will once again be welcoming the trophy back up north.

At the shallow end of the ability pool, West Ham United have anxiously been treading water to stay afloat and preserve their top-flight existence.

Under the guidance of

lifetime Hammer and caretaker boss Trevor Brooking, West Ham have enjoyed a resurgence in form. Two straight victories have propelled them to within touching distance of survival, and offer slender hope of escaping the dreaded drop, where they would join West Brom and Sunderland in Division One next season.

With the season reaching its climax, all attention turns to Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium where Arsenal will hope to reclaim the FA Cup against Gordon Strachan’s Southampton. The Gunners have already won the dress rehearsal 6-1 and will hope to repeat the performance in the season’s finale.

Interview David Williams Gingerly FOR GLAMORGAN coach John Derrick, this cricket season is likely to be one of the toughest to date.

The decision by England not to play in Zimbabwe during this year’s World Cup will, according to Derrick, have a profound influence on the domestic county game.

“I’m sure it’s going to hit the county financially, every county is coming down a bit now. They’ve (Zimbabwe) said they’ll come over because we’ve said that we’ll go over there in two years time, which I find very hard to accept.”

The Glamorgan coach, though, is confident the future of the Dragons is a safe one.

“We’ve got our own ground and taking that on was a massive step for us as far as I can see. Four or five years down the line we’ll hopefully be able to get Test status here.”

The repercussions of the England-Zimbabwe debate have affected matters on the field. With a permitted increase in overseas players from one to two, Glamorgan have decided to stick with one, Australian Mike Kasprowicz.

Derrick, however, feels that it is the right thing to do: “I think it’s the right way to go forward. I don’t think we’ve got the quality anymore in these overseas players because they’ve got so many tours on that you’re not getting the best players coming over.

“On the one hand, it would make a difference, but on the other you are stopping some of the younger players coming through who have proved when they’ve played they’ve done well, so I’m against it. We

Dragons coach Derrick are quite right to stick to one.”

Despite not having the impact of a second overseas player, Glamorgan will still be aiming to defend their one-day Championship, and most importantly, getting promotion in the County Championship.

“The aim is the Championship, to get out of the second and into the first.

Financially, it doesn’t make any difference for the club but as players you want to play in the top flight.”

The players, according to Derrick, will also be keen to impress in the new Twenty20 competition which has replaced the Benson and Hedges tournament for a more explosive form of the game.

“The players are certainly up for it. As soon as we spoke about it everybody said it’s a competition, let’s win it. If it brings so many thousands of spectators in and you get the weather for it, then I’m all for it.”

The Dragons’ start to the new season, with wins over Leicestershire, Kent and Durham CB, and draws in the Championship against Derbyshire and Hampshire provide encouraging signs for Derrick.

It looks as though Wales’ only county side could have a promising season in prospect on the field despite all the the financial problems off it.

Ruud van Nistelrooy’s goals were vital

“I honestly thought that I had the skills and the mentality to be deputy editor!”

gair rhydd

Interview

Inside

David Williams talks to Glamorgan coach John Derrick

We review the Premiership and Principality Cup

Sport email grsport@hotmail.com

12 May 2003 - Issue 739

Williams pots his way to second Embassy crown

Williams plays to the camera after his titanic struggle

Snooker

Nick Byrne reports

MARK WILLIAMS moved a step closer to taking his place among the legends of snooker by securing his second world title at the Crucible.

Williams gained victory with an incredible 18-16 victory over the resilient Irishman, Ken Doherty.

The astonishing final looked embarrassingly easy for Williams at one point, as he raced into a 10-2 lead.

But, it proved far from a walkover as Doherty fought back to win an amazing ten frames from the next twelve to draw level at 12-12.

As he won frame after frame, nerves seemed to get to the Welshman and his shots became increasingly erratic.

Williams regained his composure however to win the title and become one of only three players in history to reclaim a World Championship at the Crucible.

He later admitted that Doherty’s amazing

Riath Al-Samarrai

comeback had him reeling.

“I felt so many nerves it was frightening. At 11-8 it was like playing with a different arm,” he said.

“I was under pressure and I bottled it to be fair, the interval saved me. If we had carried on I think he would have won.”

Ian Doyle, who manages both players, believes Williams can now go on to dominate the game for many years to come.

He should know a thing or two about winners - this was the 133rd title for the man who brought Stephen Hendry into the game and

The new World No.1

oversaw the Scot’s record seven Crucible Championships.

It was not the first time in the tournament Doherty had fought back bravely from seemingly unassailable leads.

In his semi-final tie he produced one of the greatest comebacks in Crucible history to beat Paul Hunter 17-16.

Trailing 15-9, the young Yorkshireman only needed two frames to win the match. But, the Irishman showed amazing nerve to take the first five frames and then hold on to make it through to the final.

Williams had no such problems in his semi-final, wasting little time in seeing off Stephen Lee 17-8 after an explosive start where he opened up a 7-1 lead.

Few would have thought that after crowd favourite Ronnie O’Sullivan was knocked out in the first round, it would go on to become one of the greatest World Championships ever.

Before departing, ‘The Rocket’ did however

produce one of the high points of the tournament, hitting a brilliant 147 before going down 10-6 to Hong Kong qualifier Marco Fu. Doherty’s resilience may not have been enough to win the title but he certainly won the hearts of the fans.

Written off more times than a boy racer’s Ford Escort, the fifth seed confounded the pundits with a master class of spirit and resilience.

But, this was ultimately Williams’ tournament, capping off a superb year in which he became only the third player to win the UK, Masters and World titles in the same season.

His standard of play deserved the title, despite his almost fatal wobble in the final, and the statistics bear out the fact that the best man won.

Just 19 frames were dropped by the left-hander on his way to the final, he set a new record by winning 13 frames in succession, and became only the second man in history to regain the number one world ranking.

Swans stay afloat as the Dragons rise Football

David Williams reports

SWANSEA’S LAST day escape from relegation to the Nationwide Conference represents, to many, a successful season all round for Welsh football.

With Mark Hughes’ national side on the brink of qualification for Euro 2004, Cardiff reaching the division two play-offs, promotion for Wrexham and survival for the Swans, football in the Principality is on an all time high.

Despite UEFA’s attempts to scupper the country’s chances of qualifying for their first major finals since 1976, Wales’ rise in world football has been greater than any other.

With 12 points out of 12 in Group 9, including wins over Italy and Finland which have added to a record breaking run of form, Sparky’s men look to be on the verge of the European Championships in Portugal next year.

At club level, Cardiff look to have stabilised themselves as one of the top sides in the second division with division one no longer a distant dream, much of their success under Lennie Lawrence resulting from the scintillating goal-scoring of Robert

Earnshaw.

Wrexham’s resurgence under Denis Smith, which has owed much to Andy Morrell’s 30-plus goals and the emergence of right-back Carlos Edwards, could see them challenge Cardiff for the title of best team in Wales if the Bluebirds fail to get promotion.

The Dragons’ late season surge, which saw them win their last eight matches, secured third place in division three, only two points off Champions Rushden and Diamonds.

As for Swansea City, the fact that division three safety was only just guaranteed shows how much Brian Flynn has done to preserve their 83year league history.

Swansea were six points adrift at the foot of the table when Flynn took over, but with the signings of Leon Brittain, Roberto Martinez and Kevin Nugent providing the skill and experience needed, the Vetch Field side were able to salvage their future.

James Thomas’ hat trick in the 4-2 win over Hull on the last day has given the whole of Welsh football a boost ahead of the national side’s push for European glory.

Racecourse ground, Earnshaw and Swans’ James Thomas

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