Dressed to impress
Inside GRiP: Film preview the summer scorchers
Features flirt with fashion for the summer ball Printed at Westcountry Design and Print
gairrhydd
Up for eviction
Monday 9th June / Free Word 741
Peter Bramwell reports
LIFE WAS imitating art in Talybont last week, when a dozen housemates were threatened with eviction from their rooms in the middle of their exam period. However, an eleventh-hour rethink on the part of Residences and Catering has now saved most of them.
provide them accommodation for the duration of their courses, the law students were angered at the decision to kick them out early. Legal Practice Course student Bilal Rana said: “We were ordered to move out on June 14, just two days before our exams begin. “The Residences Division completely disregarded the effect it can have on our
“The Residence Division completely disregarded the effect it can have on our examinations.”
LPC STUDENT BILAL RANA
The international students studying for professional legal qualifications were furious after being told by Residences that they had to vacate their rooms just two days before their final exams. The post-grads understood when applying last year that their courses would begin and finish outside of the normal academic year. However, after being assured that Talybont would
examinations. “It could have had direct implications on our careers. The risk is too great and the stakes too high.” As far back as September last year the students raised their concerns with the Residences Division that their accommodation would run out before their exams. After writing letters and speaking in person to a residences officer, the worried students were
promised that they would be allowed to stay in their house until their exams finished on June 27. In January, however, the students realised that the leaving date did not match with their exam dates. The Residences Division informed them that they could do nothing about this as they had already rented out the rooms in House Four for a summer conference. They claimed that the blame lay with the law school who had given them the wrong dates. Due to mounting pressure from the students and student welfare at the union, the Residences Division have finally capitulated and offered 9 out of the 12 residents the chance stay in their rooms. The remaining students are being offered assistance with their move to minimise disruption. Tracey Austin, deputy director of Residences told gair rhydd, “We had another look at the possibility of allocating some of the conference guests in another
“It’s been... emotional”
The students who were faced with relocation in the middle of their exams block. “Hopefully most of the students will be happy with this solution.” Bar Vocational Course student Christodulos Papachrysotomou said: “What they asked us to do was risk the £8200 course costs. My future depends on me passing
these exams and I was not prepared to move out. “They have no concern for our professional futures.’ Emma Bebington, Equal Opportunities Officer at the Union agreed that the behaviour of the Residences Division was unacceptable. “They are trying to make
student rent as cheap as possible by renting out the halls in summer, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of students. “I would urge all students treated wrongly to make a complaint, to bring these sorts of problems to the attention of the University sooner.”
Evian a wash out, say student campaigners Mark Cobley reports
Protestors in Evian make their point
CARDIFF STUDENTS were amongst the thousands who descended on the French town of Evian to make their views known at the recent G8 summit of world leaders. The group, organised by Oxfam Cymru/Wales, travelled to France to call for a War on Poverty to go with the War on Terror. And student campaigners also participated in the ‘alternative summit’ involving environmental, humanitarian and citizens’ action groups from all around the world. Cardiff Film Studies student Amy Cuff said world leaders had not delivered on their promises to the world’s poor. She continued: “The three main things we are campaigning on are fair trade, the abolition of third world debt and more aid for developing countries.
“We did have some successes, like the promise for $5 billion’s worth of aid for the next five years, but considering they spent $75 billion on the Iraq war this doesn’t compare very favourably. “It’s disgusting when for the cost of two stealth bomber planes, 48 million children can be taught to read and write. “Students and young people need to get more involved in campaigns like this, as if young people aren’t aware of these issues then there won’t be anyone to pressurise world leaders in future years.” Craig Owen, Oxfam Cymru Campaigns Co-ordinator, said that generous aid handouts were less important than reforming the global agricultural market, which is massively rigged against the developing world. Rich countries spend
$311bn subsidising their farmers to overproduce crops while spending just $12bn on aid to Africa. “If this is the summit, I’d hate to see the valley,” he said. “The leaders’ meeting failed to tackle Africa’s pressing problems like US and EU dumping of subsidised farm products, which is destroying the livelihoods of millions of African farmers. “When the history of the War on Poverty is written in years to come, the Evian Summit won’t even merit a footnote.” Critics have been scathing
of the summit’s failures, pointing to the continuing lack of money for third world debt relief. And although some money has been promised to help relieve African poverty it is a long way off what the UN estimates will be necessary to even halve poverty by 2015. “There’s a huge amount to be done,” Craig said. “Over the next few weeks Oxfam is participating in the Global Trade Justice Week of action from June 23 to 28. “Information on activities and how to get involved is available through our website, www.oxfam.org.uk/cymru.”
SPORT CONSIDER THE HIGHLIGHTS AND LOW POINTS OF THE 2002-3 SEASON P18 News p1–4 ● Opinion p5 ● Features p13 ● Sport p18 ● Competitions p9 ● TV listings GRiP p19
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IN BRIEF SHOUT volunteers wanted
Topman joins NUS in saying Academic book appeal “bollocks” to cancer Mitch Klum reports
The Student Advice Centre are Mark Cobley reports appealing for volunteers to help run the Student Help Out (SHOUT) campaign. Volunteers’ responsibilities would include working in the Advice Centre and assisting with students’ problems. Union Academic Affairs Officer Minelle Gholami said: “Volunteering for SHOUT is a great way to gain valuable transferable skills, the sort of stuff that looks good on your CV. “The office is very friendly and has a good team atmosphere, so volunteering is fun too!” For more information and an application form either come to the Advice Centre on the third floor of the Students Union, email ssuma@cardiff.ac.uk or telephone 029 2078 1419.
ROAR reminder
THE NUS is teaming up with the Everyman cancer charity and clothes retailer Topman to raise awareness of male prostate and testicular cancer. The Everyman campaign set up by the Institute of Cancer Research - will generate funds towards building the UK’s first male cancer research centre. The campaign also aims to raise general awareness of male cancers, since men up and down the country are dangerously ignorant. Testicular cancer is the most common cancer amongst men aged 20-35 and cases have risen by 70 per cent in recent years. However the cancer has a 96 per cent cure rate if caught early enough - so information and awareness is essential. Prostate cancer, also affecting only men, afflicts 25,000 a year with one man dying every hour of the disease. Topman are selling graffiti print T-shirts and vests in support of the campaign,
IF YOU live in Talybont or Cartwright Court, and you have belongings you’re not taking with you when you’re moving out, remember to leave them out for the ROAR volunteers. The Reuse Of Academic Rubbish campaign is running until the end of this week, collecting outgoing first years’ unwanted food, blankets, books and other items for donation to local charity. If you have anything you don’t want to keep, you can leave it behind (perhaps with an explanatory note) for Rhiannon Davies reports volunteers to collect. THREE CARDIFF University students in the final year of the BA in English Literature are having their first book published in America. The Anthology Of Poetry SINCE IT’S the last issue of by the year we are just wonder- And Prose, published ing if anybody reads these International House, Berkeley, includes the work of Sally stupid little stories. If you want to satisfy our Cameron Griffiths, Helia curiosity, why not text the gair Pourzanjani Phoenix and rhydd office phone (07791 Hannah Wood. The book, called Out Of 165837) and tell us of your love for these deeply informative Cardiff TM, was launched at and exciting miniature snippets the end of May. The authors have spent the of journalistic brilliance. last year as exchange students at UC Berkeley, and both Helia and Sally are set to return to Cardiff in September to start the MA programme in Creative Writing. ADDRESS Ishmael Reed, who University Union published the book in Park Place America, was introduced to Cardiff the three Cardiff University CF10 3QN students by Dr. Lauri Ramey, head of the School of Creative EDITORIAL Writing and editor of the 02920 781434 international student magazine Vines. She commented, “They are ADVERTISING very talented writers, and 08451 300667 though they are friends, they approach the art of fiction in EMAIL different ways. SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk “The satirical talents of Helia and Sally are of such VISITORS power that they leave their Find us on the 4th floor subject abject and withered, of the Students Union pleading for mercy.
with £5 from each shirt sold going to Everyman. UK garage star Harvey of So Solid Crew is acting as the face of the campaign, sporting the shirts with such slogans as ‘Guys you gotta check out your...’ and ‘Bollocks’. Harvey said: “I’m really happy to be supporting Everyman during male cancer awareness month in June. “I think the T-shirts are a great way to raise money for this important cause and urge everyone to go down to Topman in June, buy a shirt and join the fight against male cancers.” David Shepard, Topman Brand Director, said: “Topman is ideally placed to give our total support to this iniative. “It is also important for us to tackle the topics in quite a humourous way to make it more accessible to our customers and I think we have achieved that. “We managed to double our donations last year from the previous year and raised £42,000. “We are looking to beat that figure again this year.”
Cardiff students write in US book
Is anybody out there?
gair rhydd
“They are sharp observers of the foibles of human kind, and like most excellent satirists, they don’t tolerate hypocrisy.” Ishmael adds, “In one of Sally’s stories, a female graduate finds what it’s like when she insists that her boyfriend perform unconventional sexual practices. “Helia contributes a story about an Iranian student society who is satirically gored by a character who refuses to be a joiner. “Hannah’s poetry probes what is below the surface of human interaction. Her provoking compassion extends to her taking the point of view of a piano with sexual issues.” Commenting on her feelings towards the anthology of poetry and prose, Ishmael Reed said, “I am pleased to have my imprimatur connected to this volume.” “I am sure that these three writers, if they desire to enter the writing profession, will do very well. “But if they never write another story or poem, these will stand up next to the best being written during these times.” More information can be obtained by contacting the anthology direct on outofcardifftm@yahoo.com.
The shirts which aim to raise money for cancer charity
DURING JUNE Oxfam is urging students to give their old academic books a happy ending. The charity is appealing for people to donate their textbooks after they have finished their exams and no longer need them. “Books are a fantastic resource for Oxfam,” said St Mary Street Branch Manager Kanitka. “It costs nothing to donate them and yet they can become so valuable. “Oxfam can sell the books to raise vital funds for its work. If they’re collectible, some of them may even end up being sold online. She continued: “Every year countless children and adults die of preventable diseases because of the lack of simple treatment. “By donating a book which sells for just £1, Oxfam can buy 25 packets of rehydration salts which could save many lives.” Students should bring their books to 36 St Mary Street, opposite Edward’s Bar.
News
June 9 2003
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Value of private Outrage as Liverpool’s schools disputed student rag is shut down
Anna Hodgekiss reports
THE EFFECTIVENESS of private education was questioned again last week when research showed feepaying pupils performing only marginally better than their comprehensive counterparts. Yet those from independent schools had “significantly” better chances of getting into top institutions including Oxbridge than their state school rivals. Evidence from the recent investigations has fuelled the argument that universities should assess potential candidates on more than grades alone. Bristol University was previously boycotted by many independent schools when such a selection policy was suggested. Research undertaken by the University of London has proved otherwise in a study comparing fee paying and state school students. The University’s Institute of
Education found that paying students performed one UCAS Anna Hodgekiss reports point higher per subject with a grade B (7.7 points) compared LIVERPOOL UNIVERSITY’S to the average student media has been comprehensive’s C (6.5). embroiled in controversy Academic Geoff Whitty following the collapse of its attributed the division to student rag The Liverpool “privately educated students Student. benefiting from a more A severe breakdown in academically able intake and relations between sabbatical better facilities.” officers and the student media State schools generally has resulted in Liverpool performed well with grammar Student Union President Vicky school students falling in Hann claiming to have between scoring an average personally destroyed all 7.2 points. copied of TLS. Mr Whittey conceded that This follows publication of state schools accepted an unfavourable story alleging students of all abilities, hence that Union sabbs had failed to these students were arguably report a 25% pay rise. doing better given their Liverpool University has environment. consequently pulled out of “Given that the private the paper claiming schools focus their efforts on representation of the student this form of success while body was poor and promising comprehensive schools have a that a cheaper and better much wider mission, it may be version would be produced Liverpool John Moores University that elite universities should in-house. give more encouragement to “It’s not going to be run the The paper incorporates all because they didn’t like the those who gain slightly lower three of the city’s universities, stories we covered, with the same way, the circulation will grades at comprehensive namely John Moores, real student issues ignored or be halved and it won’t even schools,” he said. University of Liverpool and sidelined to make way for the be distributed at John Liverpool Hope University promotion of the university Moores,” he said. “However, they will and has been published and unions. “What they don’t realise is probably get more support regularly for the past four that most students aren’t that than we did now it’s at the years. Previous editor of TLS Sean interested in their union Guild.” A large point of contention anyway.” Greaves told gair rhydd: TLS has now been bought is that decisions were made “There have been many problems running and by the Liverpool Guild of by those indirectly involved maintaining the paper and not Students and will be produced with the student media, on a nearly enough input or by them as of next year with committee of appointed rather than elected members. support from Liverpool full editorial independence. The decision by sabbatical Mr Greaves was Student’s Union sabbatical unconvinced the change officers to pull the paper has officers and President. provoked allegations of “The decision was taken would be for the best.
Is a private eduaction really worth the money?
Radio 1 day in Rhiannon Davies reports THE UNION recently enjoyed an afternoon of comedy mayhem when BBC Radio 1 DJs Chris Moyles and Wes Butters took part in a light-hearted question and answer session organised by Xpress Radio. The afternoon was an opportunity for students to meet the broadcasters and ask questions about the world of radio and beyond. Chris Moyles, accompanied by his sidekick Comedy Dave and Wes Butters, the new voice of the official top 40 chart show, were shown around the Xpress radio station and even took part in a short interview which was aired throughout the Students’ Union building. Just under one hundred students and Radio 1 fans attended the question and answer session, which took place in one of the Council Rooms in the Union, and the guests provided amusing and insightful responses.
Chris Moyles, Comedy Dave and Wes Butters revealed how they managed to get into radio, what they really thought of the music they played and who were their best and worst celebrity guests. The afternoon was the first in a series of visits to British universities from Radio 1 staff
unprofessional misconduct towards President Vicky Hann who was quoted as saying: “Why should we pay for a paper with book and music reviews? “Why can’t people buy a proper magazine if they want that?” Ms Hann strenuously denies all such allegations and has accused the paper of printing stories that were untrue. Furthermore she claims the paper provides an unsatisfactory service to Liverpool students.
New non-sabbs Cardiff take their places
in a bid to give listeners the chance to question DJs and to gain public opinion on particular shows. Third year German student Joanna Hampshire attended the afternoon and said, “I really enjoyed it. “Chris Moyles was just as funny in real life as he is on radio or television – I laughed
all the time! I also learnt more about working in the media – it definitely seems a good idea for the presenters to go out and meet their fans.” After the session the three BBC stars and a number of their colleagues enjoyed a few drinks in our very own Taf and managed to attract a large entourage of surprised fans.
Radio 1 DJs Chris Moyles and Wes Butters at Xpress Radio
Jack Beanpole for gair rhydd THE UNION has two new non-sabbs after the byelections of May 23. Anna Grufford became the Union’s new Welsh Affairs Officer, and Mbiganyi Motsie claimed the post of Black & Ethnic Affairs Officer. The new officers will start work in September 2003. However, following two sets of elections and the resignation of newly elected International Affairs Officer Ying Wang Ying, the union still has several vacant nonsabbatical posts. Equal Opportunities & Welfare Officer Emma Bebington is appealing for volunteers to come forward for International Affairs Officer, Lesbian & Bisexual Students’ Officer, Students with Disabilities Officer and Postgraduate Officer. Emma said: “Even if people feel they cannot take on the responsibility of being a non-
sabbatical officer, I would still ask people to come forward to volunteer for smaller things.” “We desperately need better representation from students with disabilities at University meetings, for example, and the International Students’ Adviser is looking for helpers over the fresher period. “If you’ve always wanted to get involved with your union, now’s your chance!” It is unlikely that volunteers will have to face another byelection with the Union constitution allowing for the possibility of co-opting officers if there is a lack of time before the next academic year. Non-sabbaticals are parttime and unpaid volunteer officers, but the positions offer experience and personal development opportunities. Non-sabbatical roles are also often the ideal starting point for individuals interested in standing for paid sabbatical positions in the subsequent academic year.
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CRIME FILE BURGLARIES THE PAST fortnight has again seen several burglaries of student properties. The burglaries happened in the Talybont hall of residence and several houses in the student village area. The thefts in Talybont were mostly mobile phones and wallets stolen from window sills, whilst the houses were entered by doors or windows which were left open. Local police are reminding students to remain extra vigilant in these last couple of weeks of term and to make sure all property is properly locked and secured over the summer vacation, as this is the time when property is especially vulnerable to burglary.
CAR CRIME CAR CRIME is still a major problem in areas around the student village in Cathays and Roath. Nothing should be left visible inside empty cars, especially particularly popular items such as CDs, clothes, bags and even cigarettes. PC Bob Keohane is calling for anything suspicious to be reported to police as soon as possible.
INDECENT EXPOSURE AS REPORTED in an earlier issue of gair rhydd, the recent warm weather has witnessed the first flashers of the season. In the last fortnight there have been several reports in Moy Road and along the cycle track up to Talybont. There have also been reports this fortnight of flashers striking in the city centre. Students should ensure that every incident of this kind is reported to the police and university security quickly. It is advisable that students become aware of certain hot spots that tend to attract flashers - such as the Taf Trail cycle path - and take extra care when walking in the area. Cardiff University’s Community Liaison Officer, PC Bob Keohane has added some extra advice on his website. The site is available through cardiffstudents.com and the full address is below. If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444. PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/ content/police.
Mersey beat Cardiff students shine at PR awards Cardiff to culture title John Collingridge reports
John Collingridge reports CARDIFF HAS failed in its bid to win the title of European Capital of Culture for 2008 as the title is handed to Liverpool. Other disappointed cities included the favourites Newcastle/Gateshead, as well as Birmingham, Bristol and Oxford. Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell announced the news which was greeted by scenes of jubilation in Liverpool. She said that all the bids had been of the highest standard, and the competition itself had been fantastic. Liverpool will celebrate its 800th birthday a year before the cultural celebration, and organisers hope that it will spark a reversal of some of the twentieth century’s
“Naturally I’m disappointed that Cardiff has missed out on the title.” WELSH CULTURE MINISTER ALAN PUGH
TWO CARDIFF students have been recognised by the Institute of Public Relations Cymru Wales for outstanding achievements. Both students - who are on the University’s postgraduate public and media relations diploma course - were presented with their awards at this year’s IPR Media Dinner. The event was attended by over 220 Welsh PR and media professionals at the Hilton Cardiff Hotel. Kate Lewis, 24, was awarded the IPR Cymru Wales Student of the Year award,
receiving a cheque for £150 for exceptional performance and commitment throughout the course. The award was presented by Martin Long, managing director of leading public relations company Golley Slater PR which sponsored the award. Amy Gooden, 22, received the Tim Evans Memorial Business Award, an award in memory of the late Tim Evans, former vice-chairman of the IPR Cymru Wales. Amy received a silver salver in recognition of outstanding achievement in the business module of the course.
economic decline. Wales’ culture minister Alan Pugh expressed his disappointment at Cardiff’s defeat, but congratulated Liverpool on its success and said that Cardiff had benefited from being shortlisted. “Naturally I am disappointed that Cardiff has not been awarded the title,” he said. “However, today’s decision in no way takes away from the cultural recognition being part of the competition has brought Cardiff and the rest of Wales.” However, other groups have called for the focus to now be turned to the city’s forthcoming centenary celebrations in 2005. Liberal Democrat shadow cabinet minister Simon Wakefield said: “We must now act to ensure that all the hard work put in does not go to waste. “In 2005, Cardiff will celebrate 100 years since it was granted city status and 50 years since it was made the Welsh capital. “Let’s make sure that steps are now taken to ensure that 2005 is a year to remember.” Jubilant PR students Kate Lewis and Amy Gooden
Speaking at the media dinner Chair-elect of IPR Cymru Wales Marc Evans said: “The IPR actively encourages its members and new entrants to the profession to reach excellence by extensive training. “We commend Cardiff University’s postgraduate public and media relations course as one of the most highly regarded in Europe and I am particularly delighted that we are recognising the achievements of these two young people as the best of the very best. “I wish them both every success in the future.”
gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look gair rhydd at the places and people making ...World Roundup... the headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World ITALIANS PAID TO MOVE TO A SAFER PLACE VESUVIUS: People who live on the slopes of Mount Vesuvius could be offered 25,000 euros (around £18,000) to leave their homes. Italian officials have come up with the plan to try to persuade locals to move away from danger. But residents might be reluctant to go, even with the prospect of a cash payment. About 600,000 people live in towns within the ‘red zone’ - the 4.3 mile radius that would be at immediate risk if the volcano errupted. The last erruption was nearly 60 years ago but local councillors want to be ready for danger and the cash handouts are designed to make it easier to cope with an emergency. Marco Di Lello, the councillor behind the plans is promoting the action, but is not expecting a big rush. He said, "People are very much attached to their land. Those who’ve lived here for
30 years probably won’t move so we’re counting a lot on the young generation who don’t yet own a house and haven’t started a family.” Mr Di Lello said he hoped the plan would get the goahead from the regional government within two weeks.
Vesuvius - due to erupt?
FARMERS IN NAKED PROTEST MEXICO CITY: Dozens of Mexican farmers have discarded their clothes to protest against the activities of a former state governor. The men from the southeastern state of Veracruz stripped to their underwear at a national monument in the capital, Mexico City.
They said taking their clothes off at the Angel of Independence statue on one of the city’s busiest streets was their best way of highlighting their cause. Correspondents say they won their battle for publicity, with passing motorists honking their car horns while pedestrians stared and laughed. The farmers, who are members of the 400 Pueblos (a movement of 400 Ethnic Groups), are demanding action against the former governor of Veracruz, Patricio Chirinos. They accuse him of ordering an unjustified seizure of lands and mass arrests. The protestors handed out leaflets explaining their cause while chanting and singing demands for “Justice, today.” The farmers explained they have little choice but to try their highly unusual form of protest. Agustin Morales, a 45 year old farmer, said: “We are stripping because it is the only way to get attention. “We don’t have money to
buy an ad newspapers.”
in
the
The action has been criticised by leader of the Welsh Tories Nick Bourne, who branded it “anti-English” PEACE PROTEST and said the campaigners ‘OCCUPIES’ TOWN should grow up. But the Aberystwyth Peace Network has defended the event, which is being held to mark the International Day of Action for Justice in Palestine. Ceri Gibbons, who was arrested by Israeli forces last November during a nonviolent demonstration, is one of the organisers. He said, “I think it is the Some of the angry farmers way to draw attention to the extremity of the situation.” “Our actions here might ABERYSTWYTH: The Welsh town was declared a mock seem extreme, but they are military zone last Thursday, intended to encourage debate as peace campaigners tried to regarding the Palestine-Israeli raise awareness of ongoing issue.” tensions between Arabs and Israelis in the Middle East. Organisers of the stunt calling themselves the English Defence Force - “occupied” the town as part of a drive for publicity. The stunt involved imposing a curfew, building checkpoints and demanding ID cards from people who The Welsh Gaza Strip “look Welsh.”
Editorial & Opinion
June 9 2003
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greditorial@hotmail.com
gair rhydd EDITORIAL
So should students vote Tory now? Mark Cobley writes
H
aving previously found myself crying both for sleep and a social life when trying to write the editorial on a Friday night/Saturday morning after a 48hour stint in the office, I never thought I’d be so pleased to have the bloody thing included. But it’s happened. And it’s taken til the last paper of theyear to realise just what I’ll be missing when it’s not mine to write. This job has been an awesome experience that you cannot compare, or expect to get similar from, anywhere else. Where, other than here, would an ok writer, limited designer and general blagger get the chance to be editor of a newspaper? Stuck for an example? So am I. To be honest, the whole year has been quite amazing. I am constantly overawed by the genuinely loveliness of the section editors. They tirelessly give their time and commitment to gair rhydd, and have bailed me out on many occasions; (to scandalous to mention, though there are some ghosts amongst the ranks.) You are all legends and fantastically talented. This extends to the multitude of contributors who turn up every Monday and Wednesday for meetings, thumbs up to you too. Yes this is soppy and selfindulgent, but frankly it’s tough. It seems awful to ruin this spiel with a rant, but if you read the paper and think you can do better, then why not come in and show us why. No one likes a show-off, but we always love a bit of complacency. Up here, you’d fit right in. Why not mull over getting involved with gair rhydd next year during the summer break. You can always get in touch with us in the office if you fancy it; we are on-line and the answerphone is invariably ready to click in. After July you won’t be hearing my dulcit tones at the other end, but Tristan’s instead. That’s when I am wrenched from this chair and ejected from the building clutching my bound copy of the papers this year. (Imagine if you will, like a small child’s arm around a parent’s leg.) All security will be lost as the outside world beckons. NB: To any potential employers: I am now available for any offers of work. I can turn my hand to most things and can be extremely flexible, even if not very funny.
I
f nothing else, the Conservatives’ recent revamped higher education policy should be eye-grabbing. Official Tory policy is now to scrap tuition fees entirely. The main effect of this announcement has been to throw the NUS and the Campaign for Free Education (CFE) into complete disarray. NUS initially welcomed the statement, but then bizarrely decided to oppose the policy because the Tories’ plans also include scrapping Labour’s target of 50 per cent of young people going to University.
It is argued that the Tories are effectively restricting working-class access to University in favour of middleclass parents’ pockets (who can afford fees anyway). This argument seems unconvincing, on at least two counts. One, for at least six years now NUS, CFE and the assorted other left wing organisations have been ridiculing Labour for following a “Conservative” higher education policy. Now, rather contradictorily, NUS appears to be defending Labour. Of course, the cynical might suggest that Labour’s control of the NUS might have something to do with this. Secondly, there’s very little evidence that Labour’s 50 per cent target is actually increasing working-class
participation in University. Student numbers are going up, but it seems to be more middle-class - rather than more working-class - students who are responsible for the increase. Two things are responsible: the rapid expansion of former Polytechnics running courses with lower A-level grade requirements, and the imposition of tuition fees. Taken together, these mean more middle-class students with lower grades (who previously wouldn’t have made it into Uni) are here now, while the ever-increasing debt burden deters workingclass youngsters. It seems to me that both political parties have got it wrong. Labour’s 50 per cent target
is not achieving what it’s supposed to thanks to Labour’s tuition fees, while the Tories’ promise to scrap fees but abandon the target is regressive and elitist. The question for the (generally) left-wing student movement is whether opposing the Tories is more important than opposing fees. Amongst the student movement (as opposed to ordinary students) the tendency so far has been to quickly label the Conservatives “opportunist” and basically to conclude that students cannot trust the Tories as far as they can throw them. Certainly, given the party’s governmental record on higher education funding (not to mention all the other issues students tend to care about) there is a lot to
be said for this attitude. However, the undeniable truth is that the Conservatives’ announcement is politically useful to the student campaign. With both the main opposition parties now against them, as well as both the devolved (Labour) governments in Wales and Scotland, Blair and Clarke’s tuition fees are looking increasingly unloved. And of course it must be remembered that the vast majority of the Labour Party hates tuition fees too. It’s just they’re not in the Cabinet. So students can have some hope that tuition fees are living on borrowed time. We should now devote our attention to ensuring that widened access does not die with them.
Refugees aren’t all scroungers Ladonna Hall writes
O
n May 19th Abas Amini stitched up his eyes, ears and lips in an attempt to get the plight of asylum seekers and refugees on the national agenda. He has recently been persuaded to have the stitches removed, but his actions are horrifyingly symptomatic of the frustration and sense of impotence felt by those attempting to create a better life for themselves in an increasingly impenetrable country. His successful claim for asylum was under review after the Home Office failed to send a representative to his hearing. After two years of demeaning treatment at the hands of British officials, he had had enough. As an Iranian Kurdish
refugee, Amini is representative of a huge number of asylum seekers fleeing persecution and war in their own countries. A recent study has shown that most refugees entering Britain come from Afganistan, Iraq, Somalia, Sri Lanka and Turkey. When they arrive, often in the most desperate of circumstances, they face an endless barrage of Home Office beaurocracy and are dependant on support from the government’s National Asylum Support Service (NASS). For the past week I have spent time volunteering at the Welsh Refugee Council. It has been an eye-opening and often frustrating experience. As well as providing support to new asylum seekers, those that work within this unassuming building on Newport Road face the arduous task of dealing with the problems that necessarily arise when refugees find that they will be denied their financial and housing needs.
Wars, terrorism and persecution force refugees to flee Once this occurs it is glaringly apparent that there is no means of keeping track of what happens to them when all means of support are cut. Leaving their homes, families and countries of origin is a debilitating and disorientating experience for asylum seekers. Many will have experienced torture or persecution as members of ethnic minorities. Health Advocacy Officer
Jeanette Scott spoke to me about the huge increase in mental health problems among refugees, especially young men separated from their families. Not only that, but attitudes towards refugees and asylum seekers are at an all-time low. Intolerance is rife, as the lack of understanding as to the reasons why people attempt to leave their own countries is rarely dealt with. June 16 – 22 is Refugee
Week here in Cardiff. It is a chance for the organisations who work alongside the Welsh Refugee Council to counteract the stereotyping that surrounds asylum seekers. Groups such as Displaced People in Action and Voluntary Action Cardiff seek to promote understanding and attempt to integrate refugees in a meaningful and productive manner. For more information on events or how to get involved, go to www.refugeeweek.org.uk. As the government continues to make life increasingly difficult for those seeking asylum, it is time serious thought went into how refugees can be helped to contribute to our society once they are here. They should be encouraged to develop their talents and skills, not regarded as members of a scrounging underclass. Everyone has basic rights that should be upheld at all times, regardless of where they come from.
It’s not that GR8 when you’re G8 Gavin Meany writes
O
ne of the four key themes at this G8 summit meeting is to be “solidarity, with particular emphasis on the Partnership for Africa's development, and access to water for all.” The summit is taking place in the spa town of Evian in France, a town famous for springing forth a multimillion pound industry dealing in cool, fresh water. How ironic in front of that backdrop that key discussions should be
focussed on exactly why it is that over 1.5 billion people are denied ‘access’ to this precious commodity. I am expecting to the conclusion of those discussions to be communicated to us in insufficient targets rather than hard answers and that’s would be a disheartening and unsatisfactory situation considering it really is matter of life or death. So how is the Partnership for Africa developing? Since Tony Blair, speaking at the last G8 summit, described the
plight of Africa as "a scar on the conscience of the world", the words of the G8 nations have spoken louder than their actions. The British charity Action Aid has this week joined a chorus of African
leaders in pleading with the G8 nations to put into practice some of their
longpromised debt alleviation programmes and export tariff restructuring. Such actions would display a responsible commitment to another of the summit’s
Got an opinion on our opinions? E-mail us at greditorial@hotmail.com with a 300-word piece
proposed key themes, namely “the spirit of responsibility that not only Governments, but all economic actors, especially business corporations, need to display in the financial, social, environmental and ethical spheres.” Verbally, this theme presents honourable intentions, but saying is a world away from doing. I while away on optimism, but previous experience holds a stark warning; lip-service is common, implementation is rare.
gair rhydd 09 06 03
06 • Five Minute Fun
O d d s and sods What the hell happened to you?
B
The top ten reasons University is like play--school. Happy days! You cry for your mother
Only in the UK
You cross the road without looking for cars Snack time is a necessity
You bundle up for outdoors without caring what you Can a pizza get to your house quicker than look like (because everyone looks as stupid as you do an ambulance You stay at home and play games with your friends Banks leave both doors open & chain the pens to the counters You wear your backpack on both shoulders You wear big mittens We leaves £1,000s worth of car on the drive & lock away our cheap Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity lawnmowers and scrap You take naps Do we use answer machines to screen calls & have call waiting so we don’t You look forward to cheese toasties miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place T h i s f o r t n i g h t we have mostly been...reminiscing about the past year up here in the media penthouse...ordering pizza (avoid 3 people a year die testing if the Thai Green Curry)...getting apologies from Sheffield Steel Press... a 9v battery works on getting pissed at Roy World...feeling it’s the end of an era (last week their tongue ever to say ‘Bowie on onions’? ‘It’s not sport science’?) Sob
A bit of a quiz*
1 was the actor that played Mr Darcy in the BBC’s 2 Who 1995 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice? was the name of Michael J Fox’s character in Back 3 What to the Future? is the only footballer to have played in the London, Manchester and Merseyside derbies? 4 Who comedian/author wrote novels such as Blast from the Past, Dead Famous and Popcorn 5 Which What is the name of the White Stripes album?
Fun in a lift...* *and we’re not talking blow jobs
A hard-on that causes an argument e.g. one that arises when a man is watching beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend
Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.” Draw a little square on the floor with chalk & announce to others, “This is my personal space.” Drop a pen & wait until someone picks it up. Then scream, “That’s mine!”
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the loo. If challenged by a pimply member of staff, the declaration that you will buy food after is a ‘McShit with Lies’
Leave a box in the corner & when someone gets in, ask if they hear something ticking...
New Dictionar y Beer Scooter – The ability to get home after a night out on the booze
and not remember it i.e. “I don’t even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter.”
Bone of contention –
Going for a McShit –
Monkey Bath – one so hot that when you get in you go “Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa!’
Clues across:
7 8 9 10 11 12 14 17 19 20 23 26 28 29 30 31 31
Wound, injury (6) Consent, agreement (6) Hundred mph (coll.) (3) Notwithstanding that (6) Chocolate, cream and pastry cake (6) Slippery as an ___, fishy saying (3) Old word for fireplace (5) Different (5) Is life worth living? That depends on the ___ (5) Canoe used by the intuit (5) Make a hash of (5) Free passage through a contest (3) Sturdy shoe (6) Overseas (6) Manipulate (3) Robust, stout (6) Poor substitute (6)
Stand silently & motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off
Child whos parents are dead (6) Common or shared (6) Wash in water (5) Group of judges (5) Carve, or mould (6) Commend (6) Messenger, particularly a diplomat (5) Effigy burned on November 5th (3) Moose-like creature (3) Small ornamental sphere (3) Strike (3) Fill with bubbles (6) Art of soothsaying (6) Stampede (6) Pure, modest (6) Gemstone of girl’s name (5) Ready and willing (5)
Tom Waits
CROSSWORD
WIN! From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...
Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine Open ‘til 11, seven days a week. Coffee bar with BYO license! Own roasted coffee. Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300
Clues down:
1 2 3 4 5 6 13 15 16 17 18 21 22 24 25 26 27
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
What the hell happened to you? A: Keanu Reeves B:Ricky Gervais A bit of a quiz: 1. Elephant 2. Colin Firth 3. Marty McFly 4. Paul Walsh 5. Ben Elton
A
Last chance of the year to eff up two people. Sob.
Uni or Nurs e r y ?
Complete the crossword, fill in this form then curveball it up to the GR office on the fourth floor of the Union. Best tiebreaker wins! Last fortnight’s winner was Louise Jenkins. Come to the office and claim your booty! Last for tnight’s answers:
Across: 1, Cymbal 4, Offset 9, Reunion 10, Lucre 11, Conga 12, Element 13, Object 15, Adder 20, Prairie 22, Swell 24, Nomad 25, Oratory 26, Random 27, Arrear Down: 1, Curacy 2, Mourn 3, Animate 5, False 6, Secrete 7, Twenty 8, Index 14, Boatman 16, Despair 17, OPener 18, Lemon 19, Player 21, Radio 23, Evoke
NAME:_________________________ SCHOOLS OUT, BUT WHAT’S IN? ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________
gair rhydd 09 06 03
Letters • 07
Letter of the fortnight The author of this issue’s letter wins a romantic meal of pigeon a la carte with yours truly. Bon appetite! Dear gair rhydd, The summer season draws in and the urge strikes to spend the lazy days sat on your porch, feasting on Special VAT brew, the lack of organic proteins abundant in your carbohydrate diet. With cash flows tottering on the red, pesticide-free sustenance is just not viable. Fear not, student brethren, the eco-warriors of Brithdir St. offer you a tasty alternative: try supplementing your diet with wholesome garden ants. While many of you may find such a suggestion repulsive, if not a little creepy, how many of us who have sampled such delights can truly resist the allure of those tiny, cheeky little fellas as they scuttle about your patio flow. The tangy, intensive taste provides a stimulating alternative to most white-meats and are an inexhaustible natural resource widely available to those on a tight budget. If you have no access to a yard or place of horticulture, try local refuge sacks. A list of collection times should be available on request from your local authority. We recommend raw for the fullest flavour and a delightful tickle down your throat, possible with a side-portion of rocket-lettuce. Or perhaps leave a bowl of crushed fruit for a delicious arthropodsmoothie. For those with more garlic-based preferences, snails may prove preferable, especially when entertaining that special little lady. We hope you find this information beneficial to your general health and wellbeing in the coming summer months.
Letterdesk says: gair rhydd does not condone such irresponsible behaviour. Eating ants is both cruel and potentially hazardous. Pigeons are a more fanciful food-source: both tender to the taste and easily prepared. Besides, as widely considered vermin, it’s probably kinder to cook pigeon than let them starve in Ken Livingstone’s London cull.
Dear gair rhydd, I am, quite frankly, disgusted by the standard of ‘ale’ in this town! I have experienced no loss of sight or consciousness; no matter how much beer I drink, I never feel the living hell that comes after a proper session. Instead, after twenty pints the previous night, I find myself perfectly able to operate heavy machinery, read Hegel and Kant and play chess with myself. This just shouldn’t be! I hereby demand that the brewers of Cardiff strengthen their ales forthwith or the younger generations shall grow up a nation of work-shy, mewling milksops. At now!!! Yours faithfully, Fred Belleaux PhD, Military Honours PS I don’t think much of those newfangled ‘Scotch’ eggs. I had eight t’other day and I didn’t feel a bit pissed! Letterdesk says: Quite. Of course, other things not to confuse with alcoholic beverages includes Port Talbort, Richey Valens’‘La Rumba’ and Vodka Red Square.
Claws Out Dear gair rhydd, Re: Tobias Mallard (if, indeed, that is your real name…) Just what is your problem? No, really, what is it? I don’t quite understand what the point of your letter last week was. You berated my TV colleagues and me for juxtaposing a picture of Gary Glitter with the film title Baby Snatcher, saying it was "tasteless". Well, fair enough – you don’t get our sense of humour and there’s nothing we
Happy Holidays! Year 2 Humanities student. PS I'm not getting paid for writing this, just being honest. Thanks to all gair rhydd people too, while I'm in a generous mood! Letterdesk says: Thank you for your letter, Year 2 Humanities student. Some very nice sentiments. Perhaps a little too nice? Are you sure there’s no alterior motive underlying here. Be honest, you’re a sabbatical officer really, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Ah well, at least it’s not slagging off TV again or harping on about bad ale.
Bedder Bread
With your best wishes in mind, Veggie and the Sunstroke Clan
Hops-Scotch
Union. I work there, drink there and am involved in societies there too. It's our union, so use it - make the most of it! At this point, I would like to say a big thank you to the union officers - sabbaticals and nonsabbaticals - who spend loads of their time and energy doing things for you and me - the Cardiff students. Were you at the Freshers' Fayre, Global Village, Housing Fayre, Varsity match or at Jive with the SOUL Team? Do you listen to Xpress radio or read the one and only gair rhydd? If so, you've only had the chance to do these things because of work of our union officers. Good luck to the incoming and outgoing executive officers for the next academic year.
can do about it (as much as I’d like to beat some humour into you) but then you go on to suggest that we should make the joke even more tasteless by using a picture of the Jamie Bulger’s killers. This is your idea of comedy? Jesus! So, hang on – which is it to be? Do you want crude jokes or do you want Wildean wit and flair? Make your mind up, boy. And besides, why complain now? It’s the end of the year (the last issue in fact) so your complaint about our vulgarity is a bit redundant, don’tcha think? Hugs and kisses, TV Amy PS – "Indulging in needless profanity" is funny. Try it some time, fuckface. Letterdesk days: For legal reasons, it’s probably important to point out that at no point was it proven that Glitter literally snatched any babies as such; that Tobias Mallard probably isn’t his real name; and that TV Amy is actually a pseudonym (her real name is Terressa Venetia Amadilda - catchy isn’t it). Personally, I laughed at the formentioned photo incident. But then again, that probably says more about me.
You Don’t Get Me, I’m Part of the Union... Dear gair rhydd, As I’m nearing the end of a long and tedious time of exams, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Well, the light seems to be sleep, TV and drinking by the looks of things. Have to find some way of celebrating end of two years at Cardiff! Looking back over this year, I have had a fantastic time and met lots of people through the Students’
Dear gair rhydd, I take this opportunity to thank last issue’s Odds and Sods for the wonderful insight that we all ‘burn more calories sleeping than watching TV’. Fantastic news! From now on, shun any sleep fascist who insists sleeping is bad for you! At last, it is proven that sleeping is healthier than all those punishing TV-marathons you’ve been undertaking in your quest for better health! On further investigation, I discovered to my surprise that this is due to the body’s inability to gain carbohydrates by eating while asleep! I was also shocked, and partly concerned, to discover that watching television also burns less calories than putting on shoes, scratching your bottom or jogging a mere forty miles a day. Odds and Sods - we salute you! With utmost respect, A happier and healthier sleeper
Letterdesk Writes In absence of many letters this week I blame exams though it is possible that many of you are just beyond caring - I would like to thank Jamie Fullerton for his work on the letters page for this academic year. Despite his decision to skip-country and disappear overseas, presumably as part of some suspect international trade venture, before his tenure with this duty officially ends, Jamie has put in many hours of thankless work in these pages. Thanks also to anyone who wrote/texted gair rhydd since September and apologies to any letters left unprinted or lost. If you feel the urge to write in, feel free as we will be needing some letters for the first September issue. Whether debating the virtues of eating small insects, defending your good honour or just taking the opportunity to talk absolute crap about Scotch eggs, your letters are always warmly received, no matter what we say. In the meantime, due to a painful lack of correspondence and my reluctant need to return home and learn the finer points of Jean-Paul Sartre for Friday morning, it is our honour to treat you to an extra column of text messages. Enjoy!
He’s got beer, but I’m texting gair rhydd!
HAVE TEXT WITH gair rhydd on 07791165837 (Check out this extended summer special) “Oh my god! Who’s driving? Bear’s driving! :-)”
“Nick wanks in the window at 3a.m. ... liam”
“I would like to say that I have the best girlfriend in the world and love is great she rules. WN”
“Your crosswords are illogical!! There’s no one down! The madness! Paul 2nd yr astro” Y
“We hate trouty” - Fucking trouty! “I don’t get the obsession with the cornish, us pasty eaters know we’re a superior race, but there’s no need to go on about it. makes the English feel bad about themselves!” “Did the first black hole originate when some1 tried to crawl up their own bum? Richard, a troubled physics student.” “Can anyone explain why yawns are infectious? Love em + russel” - It’s not the yawns, it’s the germs that accompany them. QED “If Barry Welsh ever comes near me, I’ll be sick on his smug face” “Lost. 1 penis, 5 inch, good girth, low mileage, answers to the name of ‘wee man’” “That Andrew Davidson is an absolute twat. I bet he fucking stinks. Love Denzil” - ‘Love’ Denzil? “Trains don’t stop down cambourne way Tuesday. g xx” “For heaven’s sake, can you learn to spell? p.8 ‘donkey’s’ instead of donkeys, p5 of Grip ‘license’ instead of licence ... and doubtless many others ... shame on you!” - Sorry. It’s ‘cos we try and ape The Guardian. “Dear Tobias, Mallard, the Garry Glitter/Baby Snatcher thing was funny. Get a sense of humour, loserboy. Love and hugs. TV Amy xxx” “Rabbits are the way forward! down with badgers! respect the bunnies! b xx” - True. Fuck the badgers - only rabbits for my pot.
“I Just joinged a fisting club, not my thing really, I just wanted to widen the circle of my friends.” Boom boom! “Twat’s don’t know the difference between butterflies + sick. Deep philosophical thoughts from a,r,a,b,+z .... Ps men r from mars, women need penis ...” “Finally some sort of ecocivilisation in Cathays! I’ve missed recycling! I wonder if this time my bag will be collected (column rd). But what about butterflies?! C” - Please no more comments about badgers or butterflies! “Matt is a pecker! Luv from Vinney-de-Reeedo” “kate, the red headed come play girl, is one of the most beautiful women on earth!!” - Anonymous, eh? Stalker, perchance? “Fuckin ell rock fans! Does no CD shop in Cardiff sell William Shatner Cd’s?!! For shame! - Wiggy” “Fuck rabbits. Monkey’s rule, word” “Sharky + George, the crime busters of the sea, sharky + george can solve any mysetry .... word ... to the max” - The mind boggles. “Myself and my good friend karen noticed a distant odour of deceased badger by the Woody, and a man spanking his monkey. Are the two conncted?’ - Shut up! ShutupshutupshutupSHUT UP!! Sorry, it’s those bloody badgers.
Please e-mail your letters in to us at GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM though remember this is the last issue of the year. gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.
gair rhydd 09 06 03
08 • Comment
passing
COMMENT
HEY! HO! LET’S GO!/SKOOL’S OUT FOR SCUMMERS/MMM! HOT SAUSAGE/CHOIR NEWS/BOSS HOSS/I MUST WARN YOU: I’M ROGER MOORE/HORSE PORN/HARK AT HIM By D C Gates
S
O THIS is it. The last issue, the end of the line, the dissolution of another academic year. And before us lies the great yawning void of the holidays. Scary, isn’t it? Just think – you’ll actually have to do something with your life, like get a job, or repeat all the exams you failed, or travel round the world being all spiritual, when really it’s one of the most materialistic things you can do. Well, face it, pal: it is. After all, whilst you’re off broadening your cultural horizons (or so you think), the tourist industry of the areas you are visiting are either a) making quite a bit of profit and calling you a sucker, or b) only just managing to scrape together a basic living. And calling you a sucker. Not that we at gair rhydd begrudge travelling per se, so long as you don’t come back and tell us all how ‘spiritually rich’ are the people of politically unstable and impoverished countries. To continue the embattled, gloves-off theme of the column so far, I thought I’d make a reply to an opinion piece printed in the previous issue. Originally a letter, the mysteries of space constraints sought to make it into a proper piece; an apt decision, as its style is less that of a letter than a political harangue. But anyway, all this is irrelevant. To start with, I must agree with Mr Caldicot on a number of points that he raises. Those people who try to palm off credit cards onto students are the sort of money-grabbing scum, who don’t mind condemning someone to a life of financial insecurity in exchange for an inflatable chair (oh yeah, they’re called ‘banks’ or something). So yeah, don’t do it folks, even if they offer to
throw in a pilot’s licence or some such. Secondly, okay; the NUS doesn’t criticise the Government to the extent that it should (could this have something to do with the massive Labour influence and the rightward shift of that party?), but that’s nothing new. So, as New Labour cannot possibly be described as left-wing – unless you think that Thatcher was a raving leftie as well – neither can the NUS. The campaigns it runs on Fair Trade and Third World debt are hardly designed to be damning indictments of free-market capitalism; after all, the NUS is not primarily a trade union. By now, the real tone and message of Mr Caldicott’s article have been uncovered. Rather than a criticism of the NUS’ involvement with big business, against the needs of its members, the piece is an attack on the ‘hypocrisy’ of…well, whom, exactly? The letter started off criticising the NUS, but now seems to be slagging off Cardiff Union. Well, which is it? Note the use of the terms ‘you and me’ and ‘them/their’. Remind you of anything? The letters page of any local newspaper, the editorials in The Daily Mail, the front pages of the Sun? It’s a form of language that manages to be pointlessly divisive whilst trying to get its readers – who have just been portrayed as naïve and immature – to concur with whatever point it is trying to make. And this point is, ultimately? That the ‘leftwing’ NUS/Cardiff Union is ‘Fascist’ by allowing the Socialist Worker [sic] Party to air their views but not extending the same courtesy to the BNP. Firstly, I think you’ll find that the SWP’s activities have been mainly outside of the University this year – the Socialist Party is a completely
And finally...
different entity (although how exactly they differ from the SWP or the Communist Party of Britain, say, is unclear). Secondly, Hitler came to power through the means of democratic elections, in the same way that the BNP have won some council seats. So it was wrong, then, to oppose the Nazis, because they were elected, and that’s the best form of democracy, even if they abolished it themselves, right? Too bad that the British National Party are fascists themselves, eh? The swine that make up the BNP, the National Front, Combat 18, etc., should not be allowed the right of free speech, simply because they would destroy the entire framework of democracy. Those of us who are socialists (and this constitutes a huge range of opinions), actually desire the extension of democracy beyond that of a parliament under the sway of big business. So much for the half-arsed talk of ‘democracy’ that is the hallmark of any petty, reactionary, humourless, meddling bullshit spouted by the members of Conservative Future (surely an oxymoron if there ever fucking was one). And to that benighted society, a final message: if you’re going to say something, try to make a proper analysis instead of attributing every one of society’s ills to ‘the loony left’, or your image of it. Actually, why settle for less: just fuck off, will you. Okay, I may have lapsed into gratuitous swearing over the course of the year, and to be frank, I’m not apologising for it. In writing, as in everyday life, there are occasions where bad language is not appropriate – after all, you don’t
Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) You have of late, I know not how, lost all your mirth…man delights you not, nor woman neither. That’ll be too much time spent with your collection of pornography, then. Looks like suicide’s the only option, my friend. Either that, or a one-way journey to the Congo.
SO, THANKS are due to a variety of people, most of all YOU, the reader (well, duh) for reading gair rhydd. You’re all sweeties. And now, personal gongs. Love, peace and bukkake horse porn go out to: John, Edwin and Danielle, Noel, David, Pete and James, the staff at Spiller’s records, Gethin, Dyf, Rixh and Mel, Jah Bushell, Dan Onions, Emma Bebington, Ian and Sharon (congrats on the job!), Lord Gary Anderson, Clwb, gin, whisky, beer, fags, music, literature, the Philosophy department of Cardiff University, Fiona, Ruth, Chloe, Christian Gates (no relation?), Annie White, Rebecca Spooner, Nick and Claire McDonald, and finally, all the staff of gair rhydd and Our Great Leader, Gemma Curtis. Thank you all, and goodnight.
Having generally used this page to be nasty so far, I see no reason to stop. So, speaking form personal experience, here is a list of things that you should never, ever do to a bartender, as you will incur their undying hatred and increase the chance of them refusing to serve you, spitting (or worse) into your drink, or both. 1. Ordering a large round one at a time. We do have memories you know, so don’t order fifteen bitters one after the other, you real ale twats. 2. Crying out “how much?!” You’re not in Pont-y-Clun rugby club now, pal, you’re in the centre of Cardiff. And every city centre is overpriced, okay? Get used to it, cheapskate. 3.Telling someone to “smile!” Listen, cheese, I’ve been here for five hours now, and it’s dead as hell
and twice as hot. If I look a little bored, it’s because I can feel my life being wasted. If you receive the smile you wanted, it’s because I’m imagining your screaming body impaled on a shitsmeared stake. 4. Making loud conversation at the bar. Yeah, yeah, you’ve read the Express and the Mail, and this bloke down the Arcade told you this true story, and before decimalization there were 144 pennies in a pound, and it’s all those asylum seekers what does it and SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID CUNT! Do you believe everything you read, or just the bits that let you off thinking? If you’re going to spout this ill-informed swill, at least go and sit somewhere where I don’t have to listen. 5. Being fucking stupid. [Murmer murmer murmer] “I’m sorry; was that two pints of smooth?” “Yes please.” I pour out the pints, right in front of the customers, where they can clearly see my actions. “Okay, that’s £3.78, please.” “No, I ordered two Smirnoff Ice.” So you didn’t just correct me when I tried to clarify your mumbling, but actually let me pour two drinks that you knew were wrong. You don’t deserve mouths, you brain-dulled morons. 6. Slamming money on the bar. That’s right, be as rude as you like. I don’t mind counting out your change for you and sliding it through puddles of stale beer. Why don’t I just wipe your arse whilst I’m at it, you patronising, shit-eating, ill-born waste of space... Damn right I’m angry this issue, on account of it being the last one, and there’s so much more to come. God, this is do liberating! Having said that, something nearly always conspires against me. I even bet that I run out of sp
YOUR HOROSCOPES with Madame Cynthia Raking up the bare bones of your sorry little lives... Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) The spectre of Venus in your quarter continues to cast its sinister influence over you. Try to avoid the overbearing temptation to embark upon jazz-funk ‘jams’ and enormous furry hats. Keep taking the drugs, though; that’s pretty cool, actually.
HARRY, the gair rhydd SPOKESHORSE: “i love you all’
swear in an essay unless it’s a quotation in the text, and a panel of interviewers will not approve of your Goldie Lookin’ Chain medle, even if it is safe as fuck, bra. However, I hardly think that a piece of punditry written in a fortnightly student newspaper, the paragraphs of which take on a variety of different styles, warrants to be taken as seriously as all that. Anyway, considering the gradual removal of shock from the use of swearing in day-to-day vocal and printed media, bad language is a lot less rude or impolite as the decline of common courtesy and good manners in society. Why, the other day, I stopped some lads to ask them if they’d mind my Jack Russell whilst I took a pint of mild and bitter. I walked home with the dog shoved up my arse, and the brim of my hat had not one but two kinks in it! I ask you!
Gemini (May 22 - June 22) Listen, pal, if you park your Winnebago in front of my house even one more time, I’m going to rip off your balls and sew them up in your mouth. I fucking mean it. Oh yeah: moon in Sagittarius, tall dark stranger, blah blah blah. Cancer (June 22 - July 22) Like a bottle of whiskey left out to entice passing priests, your sign seems to be attracting a lot of attention
from the other constellations. You’re the social event of the season, darling, and everyone’s invited! Break out the cheese footballs, and pronto. Leo (July 23 - Aug 23 Your lucky symbol is a drowning rat. Your lucky animal is a can of tuna. Your lucky songs are ‘Underneath the Bridge’ by Nirvana, and Harry Nilsson’s version of ‘Without You’. Lucky foodstuff: ice cream, and lots of it. It’s a cheap holiday in other people’s misery, dear. Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 22) Don’t you ever take time to pause your ever-hectic lifestyle and graze awhile in life’s lush pastures? No? Me neither. Don’t you think contemplation and reflection are like, soooo nineties? I mean, gag me with a spoon! Groady to the max! Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) Not all of us got up front in the queue when it came to looks and grace, but no matter – the Good Lord has seen fit to gift us in different ways. Well, not you, actually. No, God doesn’t like you at all. Not at all. I’d stay in his good books if I
were you, or boils and piles will be the least of your problems. Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) Viddy, my little droogies, what your bolshie great Auntie Cynthia has to say. You may be all on your oddy knocky at the mo, but keep peeting the milk with knives and tolchocking starry ptitsas, and all will become real horrorshow. Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You may well be endowed with an awesome intellect, miraculous insight into the lives of all creation, and the charisma of a minor god, but there’s still something missing in your life. A little bird tells me that you’re still not getting any – not so wise now, eh, big shot! Nyaah! Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) You may say to yourself, “this is not my wonderful life”; you may also say to yourself “this is not my beautiful wife”, and you might think to yourself “this is not my wonderful house”, and you’d be right. This is my house, chum, so get out. And take that weird bint with you and all.
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 18) The coming weeks will seem very confusing, as unexpected financial success and a whirlwind romance change your life forever. Things are finally going to go the way you want them to, and let’s face it: that’s what you deserve. Nah. Just kidding. It’ll be same-old, same-old for the foreseeable future. Pisces (Feb19 - Mar 20) Now, I know that some of my predictions for your sign haven’t come anywhere close to the truth, but I make no apologies for that. If you want some idle sycophantic slaphead to tell you what you want to hear, then piss off to the redtops, you new-age arsehole. If, on the other hand, you want the horror put into your horoscopes, then look no further than gair rhydd. Oh fuck, it’s the last issue. Be seeing you, little ones!
gair rhydd 09 06 03
Competitions • 09
BIG WIN CIRCUS ++ COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING ++
Au revoir, pet
Ah, the Channel Tunnel. A hundred years in the making, costing twice the sum of all the Apollo missions combined, and the burial site of over 4,000 construction workers. After its completion the then Emporer of France ordered the architects and builders to be executed so that the secrets of the Tunnel would be known only to him. So many years, so many deaths, so many dreams. And now we give you the chance to piss in the face of this historic institution by flying to Paris, just as God intended.
Air France are offering all you registered francophiles out there the chance to win some fabulous prizes, including return flights to Paris and free entry passes to Disneyland Resort Paris! You can accumulate air miles on each flight and at any fare with Air France and partners, including the SkyTeam airlines*, and as a reward take off to the destination of your choice! Frequenc’Y is a scheme operated by Air France to give under twenty-fives the chance to earn as they fly. Air France have also teamed up with a number of high street partners to
offer their customers fantastic offers on a number of products and services. For full details on Frequenc’Y and other discounts and prizes please log on to www.airfrance.com/uk. To celebrate the launch of Frequenc’Y, Air France and its partners are offering the following fantastic prizes: 1st Prize: one pair of UK-Paris return tickets from Air France, two free nights in FUAJ (French Youth Hostel), and one pair of passes for Disneyland Resort Paris. 2nd Prize: one CD from the whole CD Wow! range, plus one London Pass, giving free entry to over 50 London Attractions.
To be in with the chance to win one of these cracking prizes simply answer the following question. * Aeromexico, Alitalia, CSA Czech Airlines, Delta and Korean Airlines.
gair rhydd Drop your answersand pigeons- nto the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union. Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electronmail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps @ hotmail.com
Aciiiiid! On Saturday August 23rd, thousands of weirdly grinning faces will take over two huge warehouse rooms in Manchester. These will become the backdrop for the most immense party mankind has ever seen. Tribal Gathering, the only legacy left of the Acid House years, celebrates its 10th Anniversary and bucks the trend again, producing an event only seen before in those early years. For one day only over the August Bank Holiday the dance music masses will descend upon Manchester to find a tip-top secret location. Two dirty interconnecting warehouses where a brand new Funktion 1 sound system will arrive on six 40ft articulated lorries (just like back in the day). Do your remember? ...member? ...ember? This event is all about quality not quantity - up to twenty of dance music's most exciting names will step up to host this special event. As with last year's enormous Tribal Gathering Weekender, all artistes will be playing longer extended sets designed to take you on a musical journey. Even the original organisers of those acid house parties have been hunted down in the bogs and marshes they now call home, helping us make sure that these Tribal Warehouses really do transport you back to the raging atmosphere of those first historic excursions into music, dance and wearing funny trousers. Two weeks later, these monster constructions are to be demolished to make way for a new development. But for that one day, Manchester will rumble and stomp to the noise of a huge family of Tribalists jumping up and down and screaming until they are sick. Tribal wants you to polish your rave boots and get your friends together. Climb in your car and follow the signs to Madchester (now ‘Manchester’. But stay off the drugs, kids.
Win a pair of Tribal Gathering tickets What anniversary does Tribal Gathering celebrate this year?
Win a trip to the Capital of Terror (circa 1750)
3rd Prize: one copy of the Lonely Planet: Europe on a Shoestring guidebook.
What is the name of Air France’s under 25 travel and lifestyle youth scheme? J’aime la France? Oui, j’aime la France.
Barrel scrapings To celebrate another stellar year of competitions, we are pleased to offer a bin bag full of tat collected from around the gair rhydd offices. Records, CDs, promotional gubbins, straw, offal and spent washers will all be scraped from the filing cabinets and floors of the office and given to the unlucky winner of this, the ultimate competition.
Win gair rhydd offcuts Where did Features do their clothes shopping this week?
The Winners Circle Check the lists below and if your name appears, you’ve won a prize! Hurray!
Summer Ball Tickets Get your glad rags on, you crazy kids... you’re going to the ball. And you can take a friend. Assimina Traganida Tim Spencer
Nicky Morgan Rachel Dowling
Go see Sam in the Marketing department on the 2nd floor of the union to collect your tickets. Take a copy of this page and a form of ID!
SpongeBob Squarepants The winner of the SpongeBob gear is the unconvincingly named Master Nike L. Town, age 7 We’ll get in touch with you when we get the prize from the lock up. Don’t worry my son, it’s all tied up tighter than a whore’s corset.
++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE TAT++
10 •
gair rhydd 09 06 03
02
et Th erelistings in full Cardiff’s
GRiP
As this is our last issue, Get There has departed from the usual tactic of highlighting the top five events of fortnight, for the top five events of the summer. Some are in Cardiff, some aren’t, but we’re sure you can make out of town at least once.
The end is nigh!
3. 24hr Party People
School’s out for summer!
Tribal Gathering - The Warehouse Party Saturday 23rd August 2pm-6am
B
ack in 1988 Britain was at the centre of the Acid House craze. Every weekend, thousands of young people headed for a remote warehouse to dance and get completely off their tits. While they were rejoicing, the Tory Government rushed to impose ridiculous laws that restricted the gathering of large groups of people with ‘repetitive beats’ and the dream was over by 1989.
However, to celebrate the tenth anniversary of the club night Tribal Gathering, dance music fans will arrive at a secret location to revive those days for
Summer Ball 2003 @ Cardiff International Arena Friday 13th June
G
iven Get There’s little reminder in the last issue, you should now all have your tickets for this fantastic summer piss up. One again the union have provided us with some top quality (if, in places, a little cheesy) acts to provide the entertainment for a long night of unheralded debauchery. Top of the bill are the Sugababes who will of course be required to play all of their three songs.
Then we have Bjorn Again. Don’t laugh, these guys played Reading in 1992 which should mean that tonight will be easy for them. If they handle a crowd of sweating, rocking, hurling abuse, then a bunch of pissed students should be no problem. The essential ‘blast from the past’ is this year provided in the form of East 17. Ah, brings back memories doesn’t it? I’m sure you’ll all have
somekind of magical childhood memory that will have been soundtracked by one of the their songs. The dance element is provided by the debonair Jean Jacques Smoothie, who will be supplying all the music for your dancing requirements. Keith Chegwin will be MC’ing the whole evening. Need I say more? Tickets: £30 Available from Union Box Office
2. Get Your Rocks Off The Rocky Horror Show @ New Theatre Monday 16th - Saturday 21st June, 7.30pm
O
nce again there is bugger all going on in Cardiff and so Get There has to scrape the bottom of the barrel for things to put on this page. Although I’ve never quite seen the attraction in grown men wandering around in questionable clothing, the Rocky Horror Show makes it in here. Anyway, this performance will be celebrating the exact Thirtieth anniversary of the show. The first one was performed on the 16th June 1973 at London’s Royal Court Theatre, then Thirty years to the day later, it’s performed at the New Theatre. Strange choice. Surely the more obvious option would be to show it in London on this esteemed day? Oh well.
GRiP editors: Alex Macpherson & Nick McDonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) GRiP picture editor: Robin Jackson Get there: Anthony Lloyd (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) Arts: LaDonna Hall, Mat Croft & Rachel Pegum (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Blain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth & Steve Hurst (gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com) Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)
For more info visit: www.tribalgathering.co.uk
4. I Want To Ride My Bicycle Taff Trail 2003 Bank Holiday Monday 25th August
T
he summer may be about going on holiday and getting absolutely ratted for three months, but there is always time for a little exercise, especially when about to return to university and months of bad eating habits are on the cards. This charity bike ride is raising money to find a cure for Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy which is a disease that causes a wasting and paralysis of the muscles. There are two rides which you can try; the
Taff Trail Challenge Bike Event which covers a distance of 55 miles from Brecon to Cardiff, or the Family Cycle Event which covers 25 miles from Methyr Tydfil to Cardiff Bay. Go on, give the long one a go and prove to the world that students can muster the energy to do more than sleep and drink. Not convinced? Sorry I had to resort to this: it’s for charity! For more information visit: www.ppuk.org
...get pissed in Bute Park
Performances on Friday and Saturday are at 6pm and 8.45pm
Staff list
Tickets: £27 www.ticketline.co.uk
5. And if all else fails...
Of course you’ll be able to hear all the great songs from Sweet Transvestite to Time Warp. In the main role of Frank N Furter will be one of the UK’s hottest stars Jonathan Wilkes. Who? If anyone has any idea who this K list celebrity is then please send us an email or drop us a line. If you’re still hanging around in Cardiff then this should be a bit a bit of a laugh and possibly an ‘historic’ event.
Tickets: from £8 Tel: 029 2087 8889
one night only. Two huge warehouses and a sound system mounted on six huge lorries. Awesome. If you like dance music then this will be a night to remember. With a line up that includes DJ Yoda, Groove Armada, Laurent Garnier and Scratch Perverts. To sum it up in two lines: This is not a festival. This is the party of your life.
I
t will happen to some people out there. Everyone goes home apart from you and two mates. So your stuck in Cardiff and there is nothing to do, you’re fed up of the pub and if you go and see one more local indie or ska band in Barfly you’ll cause some major self-harm. Never fear as Get There has the perfect solution. According to my limited knowledge of the law, it is apparently alright to consume alcohol in the park. It’s all down to local by-laws and there’s nothing the Government can do. So, get
yourself down to the park, open up a few cans and bask in glorious sun (weather permitting). If you want to go for the true tramp style look then why not invest in some Carlsberg Supers. Absolutely rank in taste but people give you a brilliant look when they see you with it. Trust me. If you’ve never tried it, sitting in the park, drinking is great fun. Doesn’t have to be Bute Park either, could be anyone of your choice. Why aren’t we City of Culture again?
In this issue of GRiP... 05:Games/ Web
See if the Legend Of Zelda lives up to its name
06: Arts
Backtrack over arty events and look forward to the summer highs
08: Music
Fulfil two wet dreams with Evan Dando and Brian Molko
14: Film Get hot under the collar with the summer blockbusters
17: Books
Upstage the BBC’s Big Read with their own special chart
21: TV
Greedily grab their final chance to be offensive with tv’s swill
03
GRiP direction. Still has the most grating voice in the world.
Their single Creepin’ And A Crawlin’ sounds like 1930s bluesgrass.
Sunday 15/06
The Vandals + Route 215 + For Pete’s Sake @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £10 If this is the same Pete’s Sake that I slagged off and got emails about then nice try, but you’re still shit, no matter what you’re called.
The Reunion Show + support @ Barfly 7pm, £5 All ages show, so no doubt that it’s punk ska Closer + Estevez + Husk @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £3
Cosmic Rough Riders + support @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 7.30pm, £6 Working hard aren’t they?
OK Go + Mew + Cherry Falls @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £7
Friday 20/06
Monday 16/06
The Loves + Saloon @ Barfly 8pm, £4
Earli Mart + Montana + Moonloonies @ Barfly 8pm, £4
DJ Zinc @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £7
Unite + Exit Wound + support @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £tbc Ghost of the Robot + Mombomb @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £14 Ghost of the Robot are fronted by James Masters, aka Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You know the one, pale face, English accent, vampire. Does anyone know if he is actually English because his accent isn’t half bad.
Chuck Ninja + Highly Davidson + Donyamaria @ Barfly 8pm, £4
Tuesday 10/06 The Coolie Ranx Review + Zen Baseball Bat + Sonic Boom 6 @ Barfly 8pm, £6 Ska punk makes the long treck out of TJ’s in Newport and into Barfly. The Gathering + support@ MS1 Club 8pm, £12
Retina + After April + Cold Light of Day @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £4 Speechless. I am. Really.
Young Heart Attack + Whirlwind Heat + Pop Vandals @ Barfly 8pm, £6
Thursday 12/06
Texas Radio Band + Kald + Mattiodz @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £tbc
Longview + The Prefered Method of Movement @ Barfly 8pm, £5
Nicky Blackmarket @ MS1 Club 8pm, £10 Drum ‘n’ Bass
Plain + Mr Thomas @ Bristol Fleece & Firkin 8pm, £4
Beach Boys Inc + support @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £7 Beach Boys tribute band I think. Could have come up with a better name though, because with that ‘Inc’ on the end they just sound like some shit boy band.
Oceansize + Mountain Men Anonymous @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £tbc Como + You Are Here + Crybaby @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £4
Friday 13/06 Biffy Clyro + support @ Barfly 8pm, £6.50 Dayshine + Gargarin + Danans @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £5 Roni Size @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £10 Without ‘Reprezent’ but he will still be amazing in a drum ‘n’ bass kinda way. Will be pretty damn cool to see him in such a small venue too. So we would suggest getting there.
Wednesday 18/06 Cosmic Rough Riders + Future Kings of Spain @ Barfly 8pm, £6 Blandness returns as these soft Scottish rockers dust off the acoustic guitars and give it another bash. Unfortunately they’re signed to Alan McGee’s Poptones label; subsequently they can never be successful.
Simon ‘Bassline’ Smith + Twisted Individual @ MS1 Club 8pm, £10 Drum ‘n’ Bass Sugacoma + Skindred + Goujons + Rejected @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £7.50 Shit, girl-fronted band that take their name from a Hole song. They sound like Hole, look like Hole but have about as much talent as Courtney Love.
Team + The Afterlife + Primary Evasion + Brassic @ TJ’s Newport 7.30, £3
Krimo Antibo + support @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £4
Thursday 19/06
Tailfeather + support @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £5 As in shake your...
The Blueprint + Shaped By Fate + Panel @ Barfly 8pm, £5 This gig should be an emo event as Shaped By Fate are local emo types who aren’t that bad. They’re starting to make good inroads into the local scene and given the popularity of emo/hardcore, could go far.
Cerys Matthews @ St David’s Hall 7.30pm, £14 The frontwoman from the now defunct Catatonia appears to promote her debut solo album. Her new stuff sounds nothing like Catatonia. She’s taken herself off into a more country, soft rock
The Thrills + The Zutons @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £7 Irish garage rock band The Thrills come to Cardiff on the back of a huge wave of hype. Read the same for the Zutons, apart from the Irish bit, and their not quite garage rock.
Sunday 22/06 The Peacocks + support @ Barfly 8pm, £5 Peacocks scare the shit out of me. No, seriously, they really do terrify me. Is there some kind of technical term for this fear?
Coming Up Sunday 29th June Anthrax + support @ Great Hall £12.50 Weren’t they supposed to be changing their name in the post 9/11 world? Wouldn’t have mattered; still would have been shit. Monday 7th July Murderdolls + support @ Great Hall £10 Drummer from Slipknot’s other band, making a strange visit, when there will be no one here. 18th October Ocean Colour Scene + support @ Great Hall £18.50 Ah. Ocean Colour Scene. Remember the days when? Still going strong. Actually, I’ll change that to still going.
Films on release in Cardiff... Phone Booth Starring: Colin Farrell, Katie Holmes.
Ripley’s Game Starring: John Malkovich, Dougray Scott.
The Matrix Reloaded Starring: Ron Seal, Monica Bellucci.
X-Men 2 Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry.
Irresistible to women, like a Hollywood Ben Fogle, Colin’s stlll hanging tough in the charts. Hang up man, and get down the clap clinic.
So-so, though visually rich film, easily worth watching if only for Malkovich’s campest performance yet. Yes, it is that camp.
“It’s the schools’ fault; it’s nothing to do with guns. If the school didn’t allow trenchcoats, then they wouldn’t be able to hide the guns” -Charlton Heston
“Any good guys?” “I enjoyed it. Halle Berry and a naked woman. Escapism innit?” Nah, that’s so my life. Jean Luc Picard’s got a Cardiff degree.
Secretary Starring: Maggie Gyllenhaal, James Spader. Picking up through word of mouth. You’d shit yerself if your daughter brought home James Spader wouldn’t you?
Get There
Wayne Kramer + support @ TJ’s Newport 9pm, £7 Legend. Guitarist with one of the most underrated bands of all time, the MC5. The originators of the garage rock sound and one of the most powerful political bands ever. Expect it to be loud, fast, and pant wettingly good.
Saturday 14/06
Ezio + Sam Braithwaite @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £8
Kasabian + Denzel + Little Kishky @ Barfly 8pm, £4
Cardiff’s listings in full
Monday 9/06
Wednesday 11/06
Saturday 21/06
Tuesday 17/06
Cat On Form + Day of the Locust + Nuke @ Barfly 8pm, £4
Live Music
One Step Behind @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £7
04
et Th erelistings in full Cardiff’s
GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Drum’n’bass DJs are promised in ultra student surroundings. Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free before 10pm. Better than Creation. Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and dance. Original, eh? Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for. Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night. Hotel Yorba @ Barfly 10.30-2am, £2. DJs from Saturday’s Emerge night in Clwb. Music policy dubbed “indie/alternative”, and has been said to have a jolly nice atmosphere. Go after the bands have finished to dance the night away.
Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hip-hop/ pre-gangster rap/battle breaks/ electro-funk. Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in. Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am, £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses. Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of vodka. Superstition @ Moloko 9pm-2am. A night of soul, Motown, 70s disco and nu-jazz. Sounds marvellous. Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd. Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place. Open til 1am just like most places. Alternative Beats @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day. Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and dance. Who’d have thought it? YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm. I dread to think what this might entail. Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 before 10.30pm. Skapunk night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun! Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously. Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJs.
Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place though. It’s a shame that there’s no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight. Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average. DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and funk in plush surroundings. Cross the Tracks @ Cuba
9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and old skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out. Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay venue. Student night. Certainly worth a look. Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am, £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out. The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied, so I recommend a boycott! Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing. National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective. 80s Night @ Barfly Barfly parades its late licence and introduces a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. She’ll die soon. Have you made plans for the funeral? Student Night @ Royworld The same as most other student nights I suspect, but with a shorter walk home than Clwb. Free to get in too. Drunk as a Skunk @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay £15 3 bands, rock DJs and as much as you can drink and eat for one all inclusive price. It’s a long walk back from the Bay mind you! Broken Beach, Light House @ Moloko Breakbeat and deep house.
Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though. Hard House @ The End... DJ Jomec does the honours. From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and dance. Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, breaks and drum’n’bass. The best Moloko night? You decide. Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R&B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Britpop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS. As if Britpop needed reviving with Space on the prowl. Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature. Excellent night. New Noise @ Metros 9pm-2am. New noise delivered from the mighty DJ xxxrated. Use your new monkey card for 99p on all bottles and other special drinks offers. Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am, £1 entry. Dance music. Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4. R&B and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings. One Mission DJs @ Royworld The new place on City Road that everyone’s talking about. Tonight the One Mission crew offer breaks and drum’n’bass. It’s all free too. You can even go ten pin bowling as well.
Fridays Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7. The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop. Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live bands and rock/alternative DJs. One Mission DJs @ Royworld Like Thursday but on Friday. Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and house out on the Bay. Quantize @ Club Vision Entry £5. Brand new night of funk, tribal, progressive, and soul. Sounds very eclectic and very cool. Go.
Cool House @ Emporium £8. Excellent night that periodically returns to the city. Featured Radio 1’s Yousef in November if that gives you any idea. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Great night at Clwb on the ground floor. Fun and frolics with a soundtrack of psychedelia and garage, and a lot more beside. Funk 2 Funk @ Oz Bar Although the night has been away for a while, but keep your eyes open for its return over the summer months. Breaking away from its roots in stoner metal, Oz Bar launches a night of funked up tunes courtesy of the people at Plastic Raygun records, Cardiff’s biggest and best dance label. Forward Motion @ Moloko Drinks promotions all night in the company of upbeat funk and party breaks. Supafly @ The Retreat Free entry, from £1 a bottle. DJs Loveless and O’Neil play a selection of breaks, funk, hip-hop, chillout and lounge. De-Luxe @ V Club 10pm-3pm. Free entry before 11.30pm. New night, with resident DJs Owain K (voted Best Up & Coming DJ 2002 @ WMA) and Chris Dixon. Ice @ Bar Blue 10pm-3am, £5. Speed garage with DJs Dub Matt, Anton B, Che & Raheem. No trainers.
same crew, with resident DJs from Higher Learning and Carnival to offer music from around the world. The night mixes funk and other worldly beats. Also boasts live percussion and dancers.Run by legends, if you are bored of the same old thing, get there. It stands out a mile amongst the rather more mainstream events. Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of guest DJs. Chilled American House @ Royworld Free, as usual. Chris Evans leads the proceedings. Feva @ Creation £10, 9pm-3am, Sunday 25 May, R&B with Raheem and Echo plus special guests. No trainers.
Saturdays
Cardiff City Football Club
Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though. Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. Six rooms, three floor balcony, games room and garden terrace. Well worth a look! Funked Out @ Royworld If you don’t have a name for your night, I’ll invent one for you free of charge. So, there you have it funky breaks and hip-hop courtesy of Jimmy Love from Clwb. Free. Do I sound poor to anyone? Indie night @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 before 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler. Get there before 10pm with a flyer for free entry. Play @ Moloko Happy party music! Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS. Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike. Moving away slightly from its electroclash routes and, having added more indie and more hip-hop, seasoned as required. L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US garage featuring guest DJs. Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray! Sugar ’n’Spice @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3. Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, smart dress. If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house. Saturdays Are Sexy @ RSVP £2 before 10pm, £3 after. R&B with resident DJ Raheem. Look out for monthly FEVA specials. Their most famous regular customer is Charlotte Church. Well, if ever there was a reason to go then I’m sure that’s it.
Sundays
Taboo @ Moloko The night that’s taken over from Taxi, but run wondrously by the
Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps you’re a DJ spinning the decks or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Similarly if there’s event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know and we’ll replace it with something equally exciting.
Sport (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk) No, its gone, don’t cry, it’ll be back in August.
Cardiff Rugby (www.cardiffrfc.com) Gone too, but will be back in the Autumn and we’ll have the World Cup to look forward to.
Glamorgan Cricket vs Northamptonshire Monday 16th June vs Somerset Wednesday 18th June The sport of kings returns for the summer (isn’t that horse racing? grip ed). It really is the best sport in the world; what other sport allows you to sit around from 11am drinking yourself into a mild coma, eh? And then they make it last five days! Fantastic! This is only a one day match though, but go and try it out and return for the tests.
Arts Caitlin @ Sherman Theatre, Tuesday 10th June - Saturday 14th June, 8pm (1.30pm Matinee on Wednesday) ‘A One Woman Show About One Man’ - The story of Caitlin Thomas, wife of Dylan. Drink, sex and poetry (Ace!) brought together the wild and wilful Caitlin Macnamara and the legendary Dylan Thomas...then eventually blew them apart. Dominic Holland @ Sherman Theatre, Thursday 12th June, 7.30pm A master of observational comedy, apparently. Men In Coats @ Sherman Theatre, Saturday 21st June, 7.30pm This explosive duo have gone from winning the Hackney Empire Best New Act Award in 2001 to being the most talked about live comedy act of 2003. Wuthering Heights @ New Theatre, Tuesday 10th - Saturday 14th June, 7.30pm A performance by the Northern Ballet Theatre of Emily Bronte’s 1847 novel with a score by Claude-Michel Schonberg, more known for his WestEnd hits Les Miserables and Miss
Saigon. Tickets £8 from the New Theatre Box Office. The Rocky Horror Show @ New Theatre, Monday 16th - Saturday 21st June, 7.30pm See top five, at position number two.
Societies Gair Rhydd Society Listings Society Contact Details. Acappella Music Society Acappellas@cf.ac.uk Act One (drama Society) ActOne@cf.ac.uk African Caribbean Society Africancaribbean@cf.ac.uk AIESEC - Aiesec1@cf.ac.uk Alt and Shift (Students against social injustice) AltandShift@cf.ac.uk Archaeology - Archaelogy@cf.ac.uk AssJacks - Assjacks@cf.ac.uk BangladeshStudents BangladeshStudents@cf.ac.uk Business Careers Businesscareers@cf.ac.uk Cathsoc - Catholics@cf.ac.uk Chinese Students and Scholars ChineseStudents@cf.ac.uk Christian Union Christian_Union@cf.ac.uk Communication Society Communication@cf.ac.uk Conservative - Consfuture@cf.ac.uk Debating - Cardiffdebate@cf.ac.uk Duke of Edinburgh DofEs@cf.ac.uk Earthsoc - Earthsoc@cf.ac.uk East African Society EastAfricanSociety@cf.ac.uk English - EnglishSociety@cf.ac.uk French - FrenchSociety@cf.ac.uk Hellenic - Hellenics@cf.ac.uk Hindu - HSFC@cf.ac.uk Indie - Indie@cf.ac.uk Islamic - CUIS@cf.ac.uk Italian SocietyItalianSociety@cf.ac.uk Labour - Labourclub@cf.ac.uk Law - LawSociety@cf.ac.uk Liberal Democrats LiberalDems@cf.ac.uk Live Music - LiveMusic@cf.ac.uk Merry Meet (pagan) MerryMeet@cf.ac.uk Navigators - Navigators@cf.ac.uk Nigerian Students - NigerianStudents@cf.ac.uk Oddsoc - Oddsoc@hotmail.com Photographic Society PhotographicSociety@cf.ac.uk Politics - PoliticsSociety@cf.ac.uk Psychology - Psychology@cf.ac.uk RAG - RAG@cf.ac.uk Real Ale - RealAles@cf.ac.uk STAR (action for refugees) STAR@cf.ac.uk Xpress Radio - Xpress@cf .ac.uk
Well. We’ve given you the contact details, now it is up to you to do the rest. It is make or break time for these lot. Will all of the societies return after the summer holiday ? Or will some pass out along the way. If you spot one above that takes your fancy then why not mail them and find out? Just don’t blame us if the emails go unread over the break. Some societies have really made the most of this space this year, filling up the columns with their fantastic events and happenings. Others have been a little less forthcoming, but nevermind. Maybe it is worth baring in mind for next year, those in charge. And remember as well, that gair rhydd is a society too. So not only do we ask you to commit your life and soul to sitting in a darkened, smelly office for most of the week, but we insist you accompany us to the pub. We find it so hard to make friends.
05
Can’t get enough of that wonderful guff LEGEND OF ZELDA: THE WIND WAKER Nintendo
I
t’s been a long time coming, and shrouded in controversy since day one. When Nintendo announced that the next installment in the Legend of Zelda series was to feature cartoonesque, cel-shaded graphics many die-hard fans (read: spods) almost choked on the force of their own bile. But here it is. And once you’ve
treasure, and collect a range of tools and abilities to use on your travels. As always, the core of the gameplay is about using those skills to traverse the environment – lateral thinking is the order of the day here. If everything sounds a bit familiar, don’t worry; TWW has a novel twist up its lavishly rendered sleeve. The game takes place in an expanse of ocean, dotted with islands – if you want to get somewhere, you have to set sail in your little red boat. It’s probably the most atmospheric depiction of sailing in a game since...erm...well.. you get the picture. Fun as it is, however, towards the end of the game, exploration gives way to a bit too much toing and fro-ing – you’ll spend a fair time twiddling those thumbs as you chug towards your destination. That’s a minor niggle, of course. There’s more imagination and wonder in
Break out the indigestion tablets – Zelda’s back
From the swells of the ocean, the bright, bold visuals are consistently striking
gair rhydd’s Top 10 websites
www.PlayGroundLaw .com
F
riendsReunited be damned – schooltime reminiscence isn’t about looking back on the ‘good old times.’ It’s about pile-ons, sports day humiliations, catch-22s (“Are you ABC?" "Yes." "Haha. You African Bum Cleaner." "No, then." "What, you’re not A Brilliant Child? Haha."), and that one kid who even the geeks bullied to make themselves feel better. It’s all here in this worryingly exhaustive (and sardonic) encyclopedia of the playground. Kids can be so cruel - not to mention borderline psychotic and sado-masochistic. Warning: may trigger painful childhood flashbacks. Gareth Lloyd
1: rockingvicar.com Like Popbitch with added Danny Baker 2: theonion.com Original and best 3: viz.com Download the Queen Mamogotchi 4: redmeat.com DC Gates favourite 5: jdate.com Oy Vey baby! 6: laterooms.com Cheap, though not very funny 7: isketch.com Communal etch-asketching 8: jimbowen.co.uk He’s only pissin’ deaf! 9: youknowsit.com Home of the Chain 10: birthdayalarm.com Boring, but you’ll never forget another birthday
Sony go silver
T
here’s a new console on the way from Sony. Hold on, though, you bunch of Susans – it’s just a PlayStation2 with bits stuck on. Scheduled for launch in Japan at the end of the year, the ‘PSX’ (ha ha, it sounds a bit like Pee-Sex) contains a built-in hard drive and broadband modem, and also a cable/satellite TV tuner. Yes, that means it’ll be able to function like one of those TiVo things that records television to a hard disc, but there’s no guarantee that this feature will make it over here (don’t be surprised if the unit itself isn’t even released outside of Japan). Lovely. Did we mention the mooted £400-500 price tag? But look, it’s all sexy and
silver and everything – a gadget-freak’s wet dream. Rumours abound, too, that a sleeker, redesigned Xbox is on the way. Your old one should make a nice doorstop. Gareth Lloyd
PSX – not as sexy as it might seem?
This week’s charts
Playstation 2
X-Box
1: Enter the Matrix Wow 2: Spinter Cell Clancy fun 3: Def Jam Vendetta Fighting rappers 4: Midnight club 2 Fast and furious 5: Wolverine’s Revenge X-men Spin off 6: Devil May Cry 2 Ghostly sequel 7: Silent Hill 2 Scary shit 8: Dance Stage Megamix Why, God? Why? 9: Vice City Instant Classic 10:Tiger Woods 2003 Hit ball, walk, repeat
1: Enter the Matrix Wow 2: Return to Wolfenstein WW2 shooter 3: Yager ? 4: Moto GP 2 Bike racing 5: Halo Anyone there? 6: Burnout 2 Exam Stress 7: Xbox Live Kit Your own live Xbox 8: Indiana Jones Dr Jones, wake up 9: Tiger Woods 2003 Golf 10:Splinter Cell Great lighting effects
PC-CD ROM
1: Sims Superstar Pop idiot 2: Ghost Master Scary 3: Rise of Nations Fall of peace 4: Vice City Crime does pay 5: Blitzkreig “War. What is it good for” 6: Champ Man 4 Latest manager sim 7: Eve Online No idea 8: Vietcong America lost 9: Sims Deluxe Meh 10:Sims Unleashed Meh
Game Cube 1: Zelda Classic 2: Enter the Matrix Wow 3: Resident Evil 2 And 4: Resident Evil 3 Shock 5: ISS 2 Footie fun 6: Burnout 2 Street racing 7: Metroid Prime Get cream for that 8: Def Jam C-Rapper 9: Ikaruga ? 10:Super Monkey Ball 2 Hairy
Coming soon..... Anyone interested in joining the team for next year up here on the 4th floor feel free to get in touch with the respective desk. It looks great on the CV. We can be reached at gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com and always welcome any input offered. Our thanks go out to GAME as always for their continued contribution in supplying the charts for us.
Games/web
five minutes of this title than there is in a glut of identikit racers and first person shooters: fly a seagull around an island; fight giant squid in a fierce storm; or maybe just visit the camp dancer on the clifftop. Pity the fools who can’t get over the stigma of the graphics: they’re missing out on a wonderful experience. Gareth Lloyd
Friends Disunited
reviews
taken your first tentative steps into this vast gameworld, all worries of dumbed down gameplay fade away. From the swells of the ocean to the exaggerated, slobbering enemies, the bright, bold visuals are consistently striking – photorealism in games might be a few years off, but this could pass for an interactive cartoon without fail. If you’ve played a Zelda game before you’ll know just what to expect – traverse puzzle filled dungeons, explore the landscape in search of
Games Update
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06
Artrsound-up
GRiP McCroft: part human, part ninja
Arts-trospective
W
ell my beauties, another year has passed, and with it a plethora of damnably fine arts events that have got people talking, banging their heads against the wall, or giving standing ovations. A few Arts desk favourites.....the Act One Christmas Panto, Peter Pan,was a jolly good laugh. Although a tad long, the naughtiness came thick and fast. Just what we like. The Sherman Theatre’s production of Babe was a stunner. With fantastic songs and superlative acting, this kids show had adults thoroughly immersed and rooting for little piggy Babe all the way. Anyone who saw Alice Barnsdale’s incredible production of The Vagina Monologues cannot have failed to have been moved by the diversity
and poignancy of the performances. It raised over £4000 for charities in Cardiff who work with women who are vulnerable and victims of domestic violence. A highly successful endeavour that raised awareness of women’s issues and showcased new writing alongside Eve Ensler’s controversial script. But the highlight of the year would have to be the week the Glastonbury crew came to town. Ok, so Zoe Lewis’s script might have taken a sideways look at the legendary festival in a way that didn’t convince everyone, but no one can deny that it was an enjoyable romp nontheless. And Arts desk certainly had a great time getting pissed with Damien Hirst and the gang. Not a sawn up cow in sight....just lots of lovely champagne darling. Here’s to next year.
Moving Pictures Following the discovery of the Lomo Kompact Auto camera by a group of Viennese artists, an exhibition inviting you to open your mind to your own environment has come to Cardiff. The small, fun camera has spurred an exciting new feel to photography and an abandonment of its previous rules. This exhibition in the town centre is a really good chance to see a different style of picture from a selection of Welsh Lomographers, amongst many from the world over.
The Exhibition is showing at G39, 39 Wyndham Arcade, Mill Lane, Cardiff from the 17th til the 21st June. Also, if you’re interested, there’s a Lomo celebration at Moloko Vodka Bar, 7 Mill Lane on 20th June 8-10pm.
Different roots
ALTERNATIVE ROUTES 2003 DIVERSIONS CHAPTER ARTS CENTRE Fri 13th-Sat 14th June, 8pm For more info call 029 2030 4400
A
lternative Routes 2003 is a chance to see Diversions’ dancers in a new entertaining, provocative and stylish programme choreographed by four W a l e s - b a s e d choreographers. Featuring three specially commissioned new dance works and a short film, this unique programme offers innovative and distinctive work by young and talented choreographers. Alternative Routes 2003 follows the success of last year’s Dance Trilogy, which The Post described as enthralling, beautifully performed and tremendously enjoyable. Each work is enhanced by sets and costumes specially created by up-and-coming Walesbased designers. Co-produced by Theatr Brycheiniog, Aberystwyth Arts Centre, Taliesin Arts Centre and Chapter Arts, Alternative Routes 2003 promises an evening of exciting and original dance celebrating the talent and creativity available in Wales.
07
Hard act to follow MOTHER THERESA IS DEAD SHERMAN THEATRE WELSH COLLEGE OF MUSIC AND DRAMA
H
elen Edmondson’s script was an ambitious endeavour. Taking on the challenge of new writing is a risky business, but the Welsh College have again proved that they are in a good position to experiment. From the initial strains of a snake charmer’s flute and the pluckings of a sitar, the location of this play was beyond doubt. This was India, and the heat, dirt and numerous culture shocks were palpable from the outset. Drawing on the talents of four undergraduates, Stephen Fisher’s direction was sensitive and measured, demonstrating an understanding of the capabilities and individual abilities of each actor. When a family is torn apart by a mother’s decision to abandon her son and husband to look after children in India, the aftermath forms a potent focus for dramatic development. Mark (played by Andrew Hodges) goes to the village where his wife Jane (played by Alison John) is sheltering at the home of an expatriate artist, Frances (played by Helen Marie Weaver). She has clearly undergone some trauma, and is also the object of the attentions of the Svengali-esque Srinivas (played by Stuart Goldsmith), who runs a
GRiP
children’s hostel in Madras. Believable though they are as characters, as we witness Mark’s struggle to understand Jane’s reasoning for leaving their five year old son, we are predictably treated to some first class moralising, liberally dispensed. We see Jane caught in a quandary, attempting to articulate her confusion at the inequality she sees around her and trying to determine where her loyalties lie. While this succeeds in challenging attitudes towards what we do about poverty, there were moments when nodding off seemed preferable to listening to yet another rant about the woes of the world. But at times the dialogue was pertinent and witty, with Hodges handling the darkly comic moments with dexterity. While dealing with weighty issues, the thoroughly human element of the script gave the play a firm grounding in reality. There were some credible performances, especially from Weaver, who was excellent as the mature aesthete caught up in Srinivas’s web of lust. Fuelled by alcohol, she challenges his transparency and selfishness, and tempers the extremity of the emotions he attempts to manipulate. Hodges comes across well as the bumbling Brit, whose questionable opinions arise more from frustration and ignorance than anything more sinister. All in all, a timely performance of a worthy play. At a time when distrust and apathy hamper the efforts of the developing world, it is refreshing to see that some artists can look further afield for inspiration. LaDonna Hall
Ones to watch out for... Always keen to spot new talent, Arts desk shines the spotlight on Jarbones Theatre Company, whose first production L’Hotel, promises to be an entertaining and idiosyncratic exploration of human relationships. An insane Maitre D will take the audience on a room to room tour where they will find the creations of Roger Williams, Alexander Ferris and Angharad Devonald. An exciting venture
10th - 14th June, 8pm Sherman Theatre Tickets £10, reductions £8 For more information phone the Sherman Theatre Box Office on 029 2064 6900
Arts
Caitlin is Helen Griffin, who delivers a stunning performance. Definitely not to be missed.
10th July, 7.30pm Sherman Theatre Tickets £7, reductions £5 For more information phone the Sherman Theatre Box Office on 029 2064 6900
round-up
Another chance to see the excellent Caitlin as it returns to the Sherman for five more nights. Returning from New York and a recent showing at the Haye on Wye Literary Festival, where it was extremely well received, this ‘one woman show about one man’ tells the story of Caitlin and her genius drunkard poet husband Dylan Thomas. Taking on the role of the volatile and enigmatic
that will showcase the best of new writers in Wales.
08
usicLive
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All hail to the kings RADIOHEAD Shepherds Bush Empire
Photo: Virtual festival.com
Frankly gigs don’t get much bigger these days than the possibility of seeing Radiohead in a venue with a capacity under 5,000 people. The regal setting of the Empire is the perfect showcase for the release of Hail To The Thief although the presence of MTV cameras around the hall become annoying for both the band and audience. Opening with the triple drummer salvo of current single There There the band rapidly set the tone for the new album with the fury of 2+2=5 and the mellow doubts of Backdrifts and Sail To The Moon. A rousing version of The National Anthem gets the packed auditorium swaying before a searing Lucky brings a lump to everyone’s throat. A Punchup At A Wedding provides the evenings only misfire as the Can-esque grooves don’t pack enough oomph to ensure success.New fried electronics make an appearance during Sit Down Stand Up, allowing Thom to practice his epileptic robot
THE APES TJ’s Halfway through tonight’s third song, the emphatic Lightning, frontman Paul Weir manages to run around one of the pillars holding up the ceiling and literally ties himself up in his microphone wire to the pole and screams like Joan of Arc tied to a stake. More than comfortably fitting the cap of Chief Ape, Weir’s Elizabethan haircut and violent facial hair are just the tip of the iceberg that is The Apes’ live show. Aptly making the most primitive combination of noise that one guitar, one drumkit and the most battered organ since Samuel Pepys, could possibly make, The Apes funky art rock is inevetably bolstered by their frontman’s antics, but never plays second fiddle. The explosive new material, as well as primal efforts from their debut, more than counteract the disappointingly short set, and as Weir entangles the crowd again, before lovingly stroking various amplifiers and collapsing in a heap underneath organ grinder Amanda Kleinman, it’s testimony: The Apes don’t so much rock, but make you want to reverse the evolution process. Jon “Monkey Boy” Widdop
MCLUSKY/ CORRIGAN/JARCREW Clwb Ifor Bach What glistening rewards do a band accrue when they upstage every indie-no-hoper within a 100-mile radius that they open for, with a no-holds-barred flametorch of art-punk bellow with a frontman who all but violates every one of his crowd members? A deal with Gut records if you are Jarcrew, and tonight their jacked up layers of roaring fuzz have never sounded better. Ireland’s Corrigan tread a more conventional path; their brand of post-hardcore riff-smash is tight and accomplished but it’s down to front-man Martin Corrigan’s Tenacious-D sized personality to regain interest. Without it, there really isn’t
much to get a grip on. So all hail Mclusky then, with their untouchably raw buzz saw riffs and gloriously grimy punk that’s as melodic as it is dangerously rugged. They stab through the simply brilliant Mclusky Do Dallas album with the militaristic urgency now expected of them, encoring with one minute versions of early material, interspersed with brand new tracks that sound as deliciously dirty as anything they’ve ever done. To Mclusky it’s another night on the road. To everyone else, the peak of contemporary punk as they know it. And boy, do they know it. Jamie “Does Cardiff” Fullerton
RESURRECTION: THE LOVES/PINSTRIPE MAFIA/JOHNNY NARCISSIST/!HORSE Barfly
70’s image of cool, The Loves: a keyboarder that floats notes, this was not about jumping around, it was about mystery and dysfunctionality. Though for some, a little too image-driven, this is not the only aspect of their show, offering catchy, melodic pop that tamed a vicious atmosphere back to ground. Altogether a mixed bag, adding up to a well-groomed evening for all! Harry “Potter” Newington & Gavin “Dib Dib Dib” Dobbes
FOUR TET/MANITOBA The Thekla, Bristol Usually bands who wear masks live have something to hide. For instance if you’re Slipknot it’s their ugly faces and shite music, where as Michael Jackson hides his, erm, ugly face and shite music... Manitoba’s Dan Snaith isn’t ugly and he certainly doesn’t make shit music. Yet tonight’s show on the good ship Thekla sees him and his band sporting the finest teddy bear masks money can buy. It certainly makes for an odd spectacle as the twin drumming teddies pound out the relentless beats and Dan works wonders with his Powerbook. Promoting the recently released psychedelic cloudstorm that is Up In Flames, Manitoba pull out all the stops as they swirl through Jacknuggeted, Crayon and Skunks. Their live experience is a joyous riot of colour, tape loops and clattering drumbeats and should light up many a festival audience this summer. In contrast, Kieran Hebden’s minimal stage presence behind
No strangers to the studentscene, !Horse provide an entertaining performance worthy of more than an opening slot. Fronted by a man calling himself Reverend Jericho, the band play foot-stomping hardrock too animated for metal and too chuggy for rock n’ roll. Though not enjoying an audience response quite as warm as their openers, Johnny Narcissist take things down a peg with well-crafted and accessible indie. Advertised as sounding reminiscent of The Doors, live, the band seem to take-on a more contemporary sound, though maintaining the soulful sound of Vietnam-era US rock. Ska Rock has a new and angry face in Cardiff: that of Pinstripe Mafia. Reminiscent of The Clash and The Specials, heavy drums and experimental saxophone purveyed the fray. Ska fan or not, all were impressed by these young upstarts. Set next: a Four Tet: The traditional stare of the laptop fiend..
dancing in front of the bemused cameramen. “I fucking hate this stop start TV bollocks, this is the last time we do one of these” he spits as the band are forced to pause for a video changeover. A haunting No Surprises is dedicated to “the people who went to war without us wanting them to and without proper proof.” before the sublime Talk Show Host gets 3000 people to reach for their “Gun and a pack of sandwiches...” Album centrepiece The Gloaming provides an encore highlight with it’s mountainous sub-bass and frantic call to arms against the rise of the Right, before a perfunctory rendition of Just shows just how far the band have progressed since The Bends. “Do you ever have dreams about floods?” asks Thom before the second encore. “Must just be me then...” as he launches into Pyramid Song. Karma Police follows with “This is what you get when you mess with us” appropriately getting the biggest accompaniment from the crowd. Thom finally comes out on his own to play a heart wrenching True Love Waits, even if he forgets the lyrics and needs the crowds help. It’s the perfect ending to a magical gig. With each album Radiohead are going to prove how important a band they are with the stagnation of the popular music scene and the current political climate in free fall. Now more than ever have we needed Radiohead to light up our lives. Tonight’s gig is perfect vindication of that. Long may they reign. Andy “Head Lover” Parsons
his laptop and mixer gives little warning of the full on assault or spectacular beauty of his live set. Using the his laptop to improvise and construct his pieces live, Kieran loops, chops and splices his way though Pause and his latest opus Rounds. Whilst on record both albums are studies in gentle, melodic beauty, in the live setting the basslines and beats are pumped up through the soundsystem as Glue Of The Other World takes us to twostep heaven. The kaleidoscopic beats of Twenty Three produce the biggest outbreak of dancing tonight, but it’s the brokenhearted majesty of Unspoken that leaves the audience breathless. A perfect night of live electronica from the ridiculous and the sublime. Andy “Braindancer”Parsons
MARY GAUTIER ChapterArts Cente Mary Gautier is on form tonight. Crammed in on seats, the audience of hard-core country fans and the more casual inquisitors lap up the individuality of the performance. And though unlikely, Chapter provides the perfectly low-key atmosphere for her particular brand of self-referential song writing. In the barren halllikeness of the venue and with no other distractions, she fills the place with stage presence. And she is the perfect storyteller, working the crowd with ease. Before each song she recites, with mocking humour, its inspiration, before seemlessly running into the track itself. Alcoholism, adoption and homelessness fuse into gritty kitchen-sink dramatics; admittedly not the kind of lyrical content guaranteed to be a barrel of laughs. But mixed with wry observations, these become slight inconveniences rather than fatal flaws. Over the last few years long distance touring has fuelled more tale-telling songwriting and a greater strength in her vocal range. Snippets of gruffness char superbly against blissful far-
reaching sweetness. Though reviews tend to overlook the voice purely because of the quality of her songs construction, its haunting scope is not easily forgotten. Mary Gautier is a great new spokesperson to damn those who associate “country” with line-dancing dolly-birds. Even those more open-minded ought to consider dropping the Alt.country tagging and recognise that this is really soul music. Gemma Curtis
Alfie Bristol Anson Rooms People are weird. Put a man on a stage and he becomes a sex god. Or so it seems. Tonight a large percentage of the fanatical crowd seem to be more interested in hounding frontman Lee Gorton than watching his band play. Certain nutbags make their presence felt. One shouts that her father taught him GCSE geography, another that his girlfriend “loves you, Lee.” Flattering maybe, but slightly worrying and definitely distracting; though the band can hold their own in the banter stakes, it is the first round of gigs in a long while away. Even the visual projections as a backdrop takes second place to the interactive entertainment. Luckily for the rest, Gorton’s voice is as charming as his persona. Having lost a tinge of its previous nasal distinction, it’s now more dominant in the mix, although it isn’t carrying the band. Instrumentals on record and their tightness throughout the gig concretes the lushness of their singular folky-popstrings meltdown. New single People is sweet, and the few new tracks that they intersperse show potential to attract a new and larger fanbase. Although they display complete professionalism, the two young ladies scurrying after them as they leave the stage undermines the band/joe public definition. And so though they make music that should make them superstars, they will always remain the peoples heroes. Gemma Curtis
09
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Single of the month
the catchiest, and downright coolest single of the new millennium, and now the early-90s Top-Of-ThePops old-school dance angle? Eh? Heck, it might be ironic. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. Jamie ‘Silent but deadly’ Fullerton
DEFTONES Minerva Maverick Yes, it may have been out for a few weeks already, but Minerva is still one of the finest rock singles you’ll hear all year. Hailing the mighty return of the Deftones, it’s a maelstrom of roaring guitars and Chino’s empassioned vocals. “God Bless you all, for the song you sing” he roars, seemingly having replaced the anger of their early material with a new found love of life. Having left the overexposed pastures of their Nu-metal roots far behind, Minerva rocks like a ship in a hurricane and goes to show that you don’t have to suck satan’s corporate cock to get a rock single into the charts. Andy ‘Drugs’ Parsons
★★★★★
★★★
THE DARKNESS Growing On Me Must Destroy
Deftones: Not sucking satan’s hot cock...
Rock gods
YEAH YEAH YEAHS Pin Dress Up/Polydor Such is the power and sheer propulsive feeling which drives Karen O’s voice that it renders words almost redundant. Which is just as well, as four lines into Pin, Ms O abandons words entirely, letting her ecstatically high yelps and crotch-thrust low moans convey absolutely everything necessary. It’s sexually charged like nothing has been sexually charged before. Except the last Yeah Yeah Yeahs single, of course. (Incidentally, this is one of the least good songs off Fever To Tell; that’s how fantastic an album it is). Alex ‘Capriati’ Macpherson
★★★★
B2K Girlfriend Epic
★★
The name’s awful, but intriguing; the hype’s annoying, but intriguing. The music’s nondescript American alternative rock - guitar riffs which never quite develop into anything approaching a hook, vocal affectations which attempt to ape Morrissey, but fall short of even that woefully low standard, and pointless female backing vocals thrown in as a last-minute, desperate bid for your interest. Not intriguing at all. Alex ‘Sascha’ Macpherson
★★
★
ECHOBOY Lately Lonely Mute Taken from Giraffe, released early this year, experimental electronic sound meddler Echoboy gives us this stomping track, that veers somewhere between glam and electro. It’s not as experimental as his other stuff but is reassuringly dark helped along by the pretty bad singing that keeps the records dirty edge. Kathryn ‘Techno Techno Techno’ Archer
★★★
EVANESCENCE Bring Me To Life Epic
The electronic experimentalist of many recording names gives a taste of the new album, the first proper album release under the moniker of Si Begg, with lyrical help from Big Dada’s Mr Taylor, Mr Black and Mr Aleem. The result is hip-hop on its head, Si Begg creating a wonky rhythm that is futuristic with a funky dirty bassline. Kathryn ‘ Archer
★★★★
DAVE GAHAN Dirty Sticky Floor Mute A solid track from the Depeche Mode frontman – Gahan soars above a satisfyingly squidgy bassline, in this epic ode to a manky bathroom (well, not entirely, but there’s an ace bit about praying to the porcelain throne). It’s upbeat, catchy, and worth keeping an ear out for. Gareth ‘Professor’ Lloyd
★★★ LADYTRON Evil Telstar What in hells bells are Ladytron up to? Seventeen was
Wow, you wait four whole years for a quality female fronted nu-metal band, and er this bucket of shit is the best America has to offer. It’s going to sell lorryloads of copies anyway, off the back of Ben Affleck’s spandex and sound-a-likes Linkin Park’s baffling mass appeal, but for what it’s worth, this is clunky, overproduced, obvious, MOR, boring pop metal, and thus dated by default. John ‘Panda-eyed’Widdop Evanescence: Talentless rapping bloke
★
certainly not pictured.....l.
★★
SUPERHERO Stars SH1 Music It’s with a doomy inevitability that Superhero’s debut single fails to live up to the fabulous packaging it’s enclosed in; when oh when will bands realise that Radiohead circa The Bends is a well of inspiration which has long been drained dry? Ooh, though. The b-side possesses some nice electronic touches, some very nice synth strings and a touch of Muse-esque histrionics, and as such is a partial redemption for the lead track. Alex ‘Tori stalker’ Macpherson
★★★
NU Any Other Girl Adventures In Music Here’s the new single by thoroughly (un)great Danes Nu. Not to be confused with “New” which generally tend to mean something fresh and different, rather than ropey old sub-Blondie drivel. Also not to be confused with Neu! or for that matter, any other good band. John ‘Fire In The Disco’ Widdop
★
ALL SYSTEMS GO Tell Vicky Bad Taste
It’s a comeback of wholly unexpected proportions. Three years ago, Jamelia delivered Money, a piece of wonderfully dramatic R&B, then promptly disappeared amid a morass of limp ballads. Bout is her second essential single, featuring as it does a killer chorus, a definite hint of MisTeeq in its garage-pop beats and a genius staccato accordion riff; the arrival of Rah Digga and her clattering guest rap is the icing on the cake. Excellent. Alex ‘Gay Bar’ Macpherson
★★★★
SIMPLE PLAN Addicted Label Introducing: The pop-punk waltz! Take your possibly-underage partner by the hand and get busy to the over-produced chorus, not forgetting to swig White Lightning in the alleyway outside afterwards. Why this silliness gets such a bad press is beyond me, but Addicted includes the killer lyric “I’m a dick, I’m addicted to you”, sounds a bit like Sweet Child O’ Mine, is only moderately stupid, and is absofuckinglutely great. Where’s the problem here? John ‘Magnetic field’ Widdop
★★★★
AMON TOBIN Verbal Remixes Ninja Tune 12” packed with quality remixes from men of the moment Prefuse 73, Kid 606, Boom Bip and Topo Gigio. Varying from hip hop meltdown to rinsing breakbeats, each artist takes Tobin’s fantastic original guitar strum monster and whips it up into new and exciting forms. Andy ‘I know my drugs’ Parsons
★★★★
HAR MAR SUPERSTAR EZ Pass B-Unique Har Mar Superstar follows up the brilliant Power Lunch with EZ Pass, a far more funky song but with the same pop sensibilities. Had this man been around in the Seventies and the Bee Gees had never written Staying Alive, then Har Mar would have been the king of disco. Anthony ‘Grunge King’ Lloyd
★★★★
!!! Me And Giuliani Down By The School Yard (A True Yet more tuneful pop punk Story) from across the waves. Tell Warp / Touch and Go Vicky is one of those sweet, solid rock tracks that form the soundtrack to the latest teen movie, in the same way that knob jokes form the script. Destined to be a one off hit before All Systems Go disappear into the ‘where are they now?’ file. Anthony ‘Dirty’Lloyd
★★★
Nine and a half minutes of angular disco punk action from NY’s !!! (or Chk,Chk, Chk to our phonetic friends) bringing art-rock back to Warp and the crazy techno kids. Danceable and funky, you may well be pleasantly surprised. Andy ‘ Art-rock’ Parsons
★★★★
Music
STELLASTARR* Somewhere Across Forever 20-20
Is 50 Cent really the toughest character the US hip-hop scene can come up with? First he admits to sipping Bacardi, of all things, on the otherwise fantastic In Da Club, then he releases a soppily vulnerable love song as a follow-up. Pussy! Anyway, 21 Questions is entirely forgettable, and without Dre’s superlative input, 50’s flow is shown up as little more than a rather characterless drone. Alex ‘unibrow’ Macpherson
SI BEGG Moveup Mute
JAMELIA FEAT. RAH DIGGA Bout Parlophone
singles
Their name might suggest a post-millennium fast-food promotion, but in fact here’s a soul boy band playing to their strengths; singing like browneyed puppies would if they could, pining about their lack of girlfriends. That’s right, not bitches, girlfriends. How sweet. Jamie ‘NME-bitch’ Fullerton
50 CENT 21 Questions Shady Records / Aftermath / Interscope
The Darkness are one of those bands that can really only be judged on the quality of bands they compare to. So then, those heart-pumping riffs on Bside Bareback are deliciously AC/DC through and through, but the title track itself? That’s Jon Bon Jovi in all his glory my friends. Oops! Jamie ‘Golden Boy’ Fullerton
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ormer Lemonheads frontman and alternative pop idol Evan Dando tells Gemma Curtis just why he hates Mrs Robinson so much... Hedonistic socialiser, celeb-mixing drug taker, teen idol pin-up; the Evan Dando sat quietly sipping on a non-alcoholic larger seems a million miles from his former incarnation. Whilst setting up to record the interview backstage at tonight’s gig venue, he grabs his acoustic guitar and starts singing. It’s an uncontrived, sporadic action that reflects his behaviour in the short time we spend together. Distracted from intense dialogue in a matter of seconds, he mixes passionate rants with a stream of consciousness. He is polite, amicable and answers everything that is asked, but remains somewhat detached. Admittedly, seven years out of the public eye may be attributable to this in part. As well may his previous dislike for the media limelight that played a considerable role in his downfall. Famously once having taken so much crack cocaine he was unable to speak to a journalist, the necessity for a lifestyle change and a bit of time-out seemed inevitable. “I just needed the time you know, because there is something about having my picture taken too much, it really did start to bug me in a way. I had to leave this scene you know, I have to get out of it and what started off as innocent, to play something for the fuck of it, to have fun, became this ridiculous thing. It’s just not fun after a while.” He is quick to distance himself from the whole fame game, despite having previously and very publicly revelled in it. “Yeah, I started sabotaging it. I like being in the
Evan a laugh... lower middle as far as music popularity goes, you can really like, I don’t know, you’re not too fucking smug, you really have to try your best everytime. You think about bands that get huge, like Oasis, they got all bombastic and like you know, but I love their first two record I dig those guys, but for me I need to stay in the middle of popularity.” He shouldn’t be unduly concerned. As long as Evan Dando releases records he’ll have his hardcore fanbase to rely on, keeping him firmly in there. His new album, Baby I’m Bored, charted at number thirty in the UK charts, proof enough that the heady days of the Lemonheads may be over, but not forgotten. He tries, haphazardly, and with a number of false starts, to explain his ex bands’ appeal; “Maybe it’s because all the songs are so diverse, and a lot of people like latch on to one song. I think of the Lemonheads as being a mix-tape band, a good band to take one song off and put on a mix tape. A decent mix tape band you know,” he laughs, Continued over page...
The strife of Brian
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rom their long and dramatic haiitus from the music business, to viewing Courtney Love’s anus. Placebo frontman Brian Molko has had quite a varied and extraordinary career. Here he discusses his new album and what the future now holds in store in an interview with Gemma Jones.
As I blindly follow a burly man through the labyrinth-like corridors of Cardiff University Union I feel a distinct wave of anticipation wash over me - I was about to meet one of the music world’s most infamous starlets. Renouned for being somewhat difficult and controversial I debated whether to turn around now and run, or stay and accept the verbal bashing I was expecting. Suddenly, amidst my daydreams, a small but pretty man in fresh eyeliner with a dazzling smile, clasps my hand firmly. All feelings of tension fade, and in his sixty-mile smile I feel relaxed and comfortable. Placebo’s frontman, Brian Molko has this effect on people, and so the questions begin....
In a World dominated by Pop, Nu-metal and garage rock. Do you still consider the glitz and glamour of Placebo to still be relevant? Bm:I never really thought it was the glitz and glamour of Placebo that was relevant. The fashion side of Placebo is a superficial aspect; a part of the package. The material and sonic are the most important things to us. The outside is just an expression of who we are. I think (Marilyn) Manson still does it in a very theatrical way and I think Courtney (Love) is still a fantastic, important rockstar. Not only have I caught a glimpse of Courtney’s anus but I think it’s brilliant that she’s the only woman that would do something like that. There is also some garage rock I love, I love The Kills and The White Stripes. In every scene there’s a few people who lead with charisma and imagination like these, and then there’s always the bandwagon types who die off very quickly. Nu-metal as a form just seems really rigid to me -I find it less interesting than a lot of garage rock stuff. If a teenager’s first sexual experience is dancing at a Datsuns gig that’s much better than really thinking Gareth Gates has a good voice - Because that isn’t the case! So what exactly is it then that keeps Placebo’s legions of fans dedicated through so many ups and downs? BM: Strong survival instinct I suppose. Like Radiohead, we’ve always kind of existed left of the centre in our own context -we make music by our own rules, unaffected by trends in music and media manufactured movements. We try to not work to a formula which is what maybe keeps people interested.The fans in Cardiff are quite hysterical, I had a group of girls chase me down the street
earlier. Fans, from what I see from our audience are really cross-generational, a lot of them have grown up with us but then there’s 13 year old kids who’ve discovered us with The Bitter End -It’s very encouraging for me. New album Sleeping With Ghosts is an emotional rollercoaster of an album. Was this a natural development - Almost like Placebo growing up? BM- I remember a story that George Bernard Shaw told about a series of books he released, what he did is that he released them backwards with book five coming out first without letting anyone know. He was thrilled to see the critics talk about the natural progression through the five books. I kind of feel that way. I think it’s what people try to hook onto a record instead of looking deep into it. Every record is a natural progression and every record isn’t. It’s also a snapshot or a reflection of how you’re feeling at the time. There are so many different elements to life to consider. The emotional core of this record is born out of the fact we had this break from the music business to breathe for a while and reflect on everything. Do you think your life was a big influence in writing the album, because it has a distinct biographical feel. BM: It always is an influence, but there’s a line in the sand you have to draw as well -like a safety net that you have to put up sometimes. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s more personal because all the records are very personal. It’s more emotionally naked on this record-but it’s not gratuitous nudity (Laughs dirtily). Do you think it’s been recieved as well as you’d hoped by critics and fans? BM: It’s been recieved better than anything else we’ve ever released. We sold half a million copies worldwide in its first week. Just beaten to the Top 10 spot in the UK by that precocious little Avril woman...
Did you enjoy working with a producer who usually works with the likes of Massive Attack and DJ Shadow? BM: He’s a challenging motherfucker that’s for sure - but that’s what we want, someone that was going to beat any complacancy or laziness out of us, so we could discover new methods and prove to ourselves we’re still relevant. It’s a colourful record, lot more colourful than Black Market Music which only had one colour - Black. Working with Jim was a reaction against that so we could get more colour and variety on our record. For us, it’s fun to be Aphex Twin or Kraftwerk for a weekend but not forever. What did you get up to on your break from the business and what are your plans for the up and coming months? BM: I was furnishing my house, that’s mainly what I did. I went out dancing, went to the movies and generally just did normal stuff - I needed to clean my system out. I got fed up of feeling like a performing monkey and wanted to feel like an artist again... As for this summer, we have plans to go to America, Australia and South-East Asia. We’ve agreed to do the Carling Weekender which seemed like the perfect break it’s the quintessential rock festival really. Basically there’s a lot more records in us yet - I’d like a career like Sonic Youth’s! As our conversation draws to an end, with banter about how peculiar fans can get and how tired the band are from making their new video, I see Brian Molko in a new-light: not as an abrupt, cocky-rockstar like he is so often unfairly portrayed, but as a man finally grown up and comfortable with how his life is forming after the many ups and downs his band have had over the years. Always articulate and astute in his points and always willing to flash you that sweet reassuring smile - Brian Molko is a rare and glamourous character in an everincreasingly dull music world.
11 “really good for making mix tapes for your friends.” Ironically enough, the one Lemonheads track that really cracked the mainstream is a cover of Mrs Robinson by Paul Simon and not a Dando penned number. Numerous interviews tell tales, stressing Dando’s hatred/ nonchalance/frustration for the song. Today he decides to hate it; “Mrs Robinson was an absolute mistake, I would never choose that again, I just want to get that out of the way. I was like cool, get the kids into a great movie, and it was ok, everyone liked it so much. I’m truly ashamed of that piece of shit music. But I don’t like Paul Simon if that’s any recompense, I really hate the guy, though he does have some great songs. And he hates me too, it’s awesome. It’s a symbiotic relationship, he hates the version as well, that’s the only thing which makes me like it actually.” And at the end of the rant he stops looks me straight in the eye and gives a wry chuckle. Media spin aside, Dando has obviously grown up. His opinion is firm, but in light of events in recent years seems a relatively unimportant subject matter. Based in New York Dando, and his now wife, lived two blocks from the World Trade Centre on September 11. It became, unsurprisingly, a life-changing moment for them both; “I saw the second plane hit. After that
GRiP you know life is good. That’s what it did make me think actually.” Since then Dando has made no bones about his political stance. He approached organiser Emily Eavis to play the London anti-war ‘One Big No’ gig alongside Chris Martin and Paul Weller, as he solemnly explains; “I was really against the war and stuff. I was on my press tour while they were doing all those great marches, so that was my little chance to make a stand against it. I’m just like, really disappointed in the choice America and Britain made, very disappointed. And also, at that point you had to say something,. It was like stop, think of what’s happened.” Many musicians make a whole career blasting political undertones in their music, but Dando has little ambition to take it further, despite his fervent opinion. He concedes; “Actually that was the end of my political career, it lasted a week. “ Instead, he seems to shy away from delving deeper into the realism; “When they started bombing it was like fuck it, it’s TV, it’s a cartoon and now me and my friend Tom are trying to console ourselves by getting into George Bush, seeing him as a really evil cartoon character. I can’t think about it. I haven’t turned on the TV in months, I’ll turn it on again when we have to be evacuated again or something like that.”
Great scots!
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cottish noiseniks Mogwai brought their fantastic live show to Solus last month and ahead of the release of their 5th studio album, Happy Songs For Happy People, Andy Parsons had a quiet word with Stuart Braithwaite about the new album and his possible new job as a career’s advisor...
I ask Stuart how the band have changed since their last record. “I don’t feel we’ve changed much since the last album, maybe learned to use a few more bits of equipment properly, so it hasn’t been a huge leap trying to make the new record. Rock Action (their previous album) took ten times as long to record as the new LP, it only took five weeks to make Happy Songs so if it sounds finished and refined then it must be a good thing, as we decided not to spend ages trying to rework stuff. We could spend ages redoing songs - I see our work being quite open ended.” The band are taking the unusual step of including all the source parts for album opener Hunted By A Freak on the
Just before the release of their incredible second album, Come On Die Young, the band recorded a series of BBC sessions for Radio One, including an 18 minute version of live favourite Like Herod. Before the airing, Steve Lamacq read out an email from the band which challenged the musical youth of the nation to rise up in reaction against them, as they had done to the Britpap of the preceeding years. When I ask Stuart if he feels that anyone has successfully done this he becomes quite embarrassed: “I think I was in a bad mood that year.” he laughs. “I probably wasn’t getting enough sex! People keep telling me things I’ve said in the past and I’m like, ‘Oh God! I didn’t really mean anything by it.’ It’s nice to think that we’ve been an inspiration to people though.” Following on from the media storm caused by their ‘Blur: Are Shite’ t-shirts, the band have launched a new range inspired by the current political climate; Bush: Is A Cunt and Blair: Is A Pie. “That was an planned, in-depth,
intelligent piece of satire.” jokes Stuart, “We just wanted to make a point. I’ve found out that Pie is only an insult in a five mile radius of my home though, that’s probably the funniest thing that’s come from it.” The band are looking forward to curating the opening day at next year’s ATP after their hosting of the first year of the event. “Last time we did it, most of the bands had already been chosen before we got asked, but this time we’re allowed to pick whoever we want. We’ve already got our eyes on Funkadelic and Cat Power - it’s going to be pretty random.” says Stuart with sincerity. “I’m looking forward to it already.” The rest of the year will see the band tour the world, play the main stage at Glastonbury and hopefully introduce many more people to their Happy Songs. Dominic and Stuart inform me that they’re likely to begin work on the next album sooner rather than later as they’ve got enough ideas left over from the Happy Songs sessions to work on. Plus their pet projects of a Scottish folk songs EP and a set of Guns And Roses covers may even see the light of day (“I’d like to do Patience and possibly one of the fast ones, but we’re not very good at fast songs.”). They might even do a bit of community service work too as Stuarts phone interrupts the interview and a random teacher from a school in Glasgow asks the band if they’d like to do a “career talk” with their year 6 students. “How random was that?” asks Stuart. “I’d be useless at telling kids what to do as I got hardly any qualifications myself. I wouldn’t be able to tell them to work hard for their exams when I’ve got myself through life with my guitar and some luck. I’d tell them to sod their studies, get a band together and try their hardest to make it that way if they wanted to be where we are now.” Still, I think the kids of today could do with some better role models than the Jades, Beckhams and Bushs of this world. Who’s to say a bit more of the ‘Gwai’s punk rock spirit wouldn’t go amiss? They inspire, they create and they don’t give a damn - and that’s why Mogwai are punk rock and also why I love them so.
Music
Their fifth studio album Happy Songs For Happy People may be their most refined and possibly understated album to date, but it still seethes with attitude, spirit and power. It’s a compact 42 minutes of shiny musical brilliance, wrapped up in the Glaswegians’ traditional angular guitar melodies and instrumental beauty. However, some fans may be surprised at the scarcity of Mogwai’s trademark skullsplittingly loud tunes. “We wanted to do a bit more loud stuff.” explains Stuart, “But we had a lot of songs that didn’t work out. Loud songs are much more fun to play, especially live, but they’re also harder to write and construct. Perhaps we’re a bit too subdued these days, then again, we keep meeting all these metal bands who
are really calm guys and then suddenly they’re on stage screaming their heads off. I think we might need to force the loud ones a wee bit more.”
cd along with a copy of Cubase SX so budding remixers can send them their work. “Only if they’re good though” laughs Stuart. “We’re not planning to release them yet, or pick the best ones or whatever, but guys like Boom Bip (up and coming leftfield hip hop producer) have already promised us mixes so there may be scope to see something put out. It just seemed really fun and a lot of people seem really precious about that kind of stuff, but we thought, why not? We might do it with other tunes too from our website. It’s a really cool idea to give something back.”
more easy going.” Such duality suggestively reflects the complex personality of Dando himself. The rehabilitated and reformed character, still with the looks and the tunes is obviously content with his current situation. For him , the pleasure comes from the simple things; “Being on tour is the best because you just work every night, go out and try and play a good show. And I think I’ve made a good record, so I’m fine for a little while.”
Interviews
Mogwai are punk rock. Not you understand in the typical spiky haired, ripped jeans, spit spraying, 2 minute song fashion, but in a way that is far more true to the spirit of punk; the nononsense, take no prisoners, fuck you attitute and work ethic which is woefully missed in these modern days of Pro Tools and pre-packaged pop shite. Listen to Xmas Steps on the No Education = No Future (Fuck The Curfew) EP at a reasonable volume and it should become er, painfully obvious. Mogwai are punk rock - even if they do use violin solos.
Pleasingly, rather than being a political or social rant, Baby I’m Bored gleams with all the usual delights you expect from Dando’s writing. A wonderfully eclectic mix of country and bittersweet rock-tinged pop, and a subtle production, it clearly embraces the DIY feel that it was made under; “ For four years straight I just went into studios and recorded stuff, I threw out like probably 15 or so songs, actually more like 30 songs. I just recorded once in a while with my own money, and just sort of made the record without any budget. I paid for it myself. After I met John Brion (Producer and guest musician)and we did five songs, and it was like, cool, we’re over the hill, we’ve got all the material we need for a whole album and we can cut lots out. So then it was all a matter of what makes it a whole. I feel like the record somehow fits together even though it was recorded over four years.” He adds; “We tried to leave in a lot of the little rough edges, not have it be too polished.. It’s definitely not commercially minded move, it actually breaks peoples ears apart a little bit so they’re like ready for anything and then like side two is much
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BRITISH SEA POWER The Decline Of British Sea Power Rough Trade After pretty much losing any momentum that press panic-hype and early touring generated, it comes down to the debut album to shaft Brighton’s Boy Scout artrockers British Sea Power into the limelight, if it’s going to happen at all. Whilst bands such as The Libertines rush out a debut to capitalise on a front cover, BSP’s patient approach proves far more productive, a fact that can be heard throughout the record. While the band quickly gained a reputation as staple indie-rock, the production here is nothing short of beautiful. Sure it’s guitar music, but with wispy vocals and subtle goings on behind the scenes. Songs like the perfectly thrashy head-rush of Favours In The Beetroot Fields and the Pixie-breeze of Fear Of Drowning sound better with every listen. Rewarding, both instantly and in the long run. Jamie ‘Indie-Boy’ Fullerton
★★★★
AKALINE TRIO Good Mourning Vagrant Matt Skiba is the all-American square peg in a round hole. Too dark for emo, too light for hardcore, and comparing Good Mourning to say, Good Charlotte is like comparing The Matrix to Johnny English. Luckily, his deranged mind and insane poisoned, goth-punk lyrics are the jewel, but Daniel Andriano’s taut axe-bating is not without due credit. The band’s fifth album breaks little new ground than 2001’s From Here To Infirmary (opener This Could Be Love is essentially Private Eye-withchurch-bells-on), save for being slightly self-parodic this retains the idea that if Vlad the Impaler liked punk, he would like Alkaline Trio. John ‘Twisted By Design’ Widdop
★★★★
RALPH MYERZ A Special Album Emperor Norton Yet more fine chilled music from Bergen in Norway, home of the mighty Royksopp and Kings Of Convenience. A funky mixture of downtempo beats, jazz stylings and slow burning torch anthems, A Special Album is littered with deft touches and classic moments. Highlights include the sinister Nikita and the dub flecked skank of Savannah, whilst closer Lullaby should send even the most raucous child into a deep sleep. Another classic chill out album and something very “Special” indeed. Andy ‘Big Beats’ Parsons
★★★★
Album of the month RADIOHEAD Hail To The Thief Parlophone After the double headed journey into the abyss that was Kid A and Amnesiac, the sixth Radiohead album was always going to be an interesting beast. Would they shun the electronic dalliances that littered their genetically modified progeny and return to guitar based rock epics or would they drift off into a purple tinted Warp Records sunset, clicking and bleeping quietly to themselves? The answer almost perfectly, is both. Hail To The Thief is stock full of guitar. From the adrenal outpouring of 2+2=5 to the pounding paranoia of single There There Ed, Thom and Johnny flex their guitar strings to excellent effect, whilst the bubbling electrics of Sit Down Stand Up and sub-bass howl of The Gloaming showcase the band’s programming skills to perfection. Unsurprisingly the band’s political statements litter the album, The Gloaming charting the rise of the Right and the haunting threat in Where I End And You Begin; “I will eat you alive, and there’ll be no more lies”. Such references are thankfully allowed to simmer beneath the surface, like a festering boil rather than clumsily going out guns blazing a la You And Whose Army? Hail To The Thief is a complex and fantastic sounding record. However it does seem to run out of steam towards the end, the
‘Head Strong
MARTIN L GORE Counterfeit Mute The covers album is one of those anomalies in the musical career that can hit or miss like throwing darts at an atom (Widdop, you’re sacked - grip ed). Ex-member of Depeche Mode Martin L Gore tries his luck here, with minimal success. The choices of artists to cover are obvious (Nick Cave, Bowie, and obviously Dylan) and although haphazardly stamped with the gloomy electro-plod defined by the ‘Mode, none of the songs here add anything new, and certainly not better, than their originals. And doesn’t Counterfeit just mean “shit, illegal, shoddy version of something else” anyway? John ‘Twisted By Design’ Widdop
★★
SI BEGG Director’s Cut Novamute Breakbeat deviant and bassline freak Si Begg has been creating minor dancefloor masterpieces and huge leery remixes under a vast array of twisted monikers for years now, but 2003 might just be the time for him to finally break free in his own right. Opener Body and single Moveup are perfect examples of Begg’s dancefloor art, huge basslines, wickedly catchy hooklines and a variety of meaningless vocals over the top about “moving your body”. More interesting fodder, but no less danceable are Technology and the Kraftwerkesque Airports, both launching a clatter of breakbeats which threatens to tear your cranium open. Whilst there may not be enough variety over the 15 tracks present, beatfreaks and bassheads alike should be in their element here. Director’s Cut might not be
an Oscar winning masterpiece but it’s certainly a bold statement of a true auteur at work. Andy ‘Vinyl Licker’ Parsons
★★★
HINT Portakabin Fever Hombre/Ninjatune Recorded entirely in a portakabin by J. James, this stonker of an album is one of the best chill out albums you’re ever likely to hear. Filled with awesome melodies, gentle strings, and beats to die for. Tracks like Why The Top 10 Sucks In 2002, Quite Spectacular and Shout Of Blue are perfect hangover/ comedown tunes and gently soothe the worn out mind. A completely brilliant album and guaranteed to lighten up your summer. Gemma ‘Corgan is god’ Jones ★★★★★
BRAD Welcome To Discovery Park Redline Toploader (rest their souls) were a great band cut short in their prime by the uncaring masses. Hideously underrated and mercilessly taunted by media and public, even today when I try and sing their praises in polite company, I am shouted down by mocking taunts and threats of physical violence. So imagine my excitement on hearing Welcome To Discovery Park’s Toploader-tastic opening track Brothers And Sisters. All is not lost I thought: there’s another band out there ready to carry the torch of gravely vocals and funky anthemic ballads, a beacon in the ever changing fickle landscape of Pop Idols and Fame Academy. Imagine then my immense disappointment on listening to the other 15 tracks on the album, and discovering it was shit. Dull, uninspired middle of
broken groove of Punchup At A Wedding and closer A Wolf At The Door both containing an unfinished air. Sail To The Moon however is possibly the finest song Radiohead have written in recent times with its lullaby Thom Yorke: Hears that Liberty X piano melody have covered one of his songs... and wistful lyrics. The album’s main stumbling block is that in comparison to the band’s recent output, it is far more of a consolidation of the bands talent and direction rather than a boundary pushing masterpiece. This is a minor gripe however in the face of the sheer majesty of most of the material here and shows how ahead of the game the band are when it is placed next to the latest tripe from the Stereophonics or Coldplay’s now lukewarm efforts. Another stunner of a record from the most important band in the world, what more could we really ask of them? Thom Yorke for President anyone?! Andy ‘Ghandi’ Parsons Photo: Rankin
PICK OF THE REST
★★★★ the road whiney plod, that goes nowhere and says nothing in the process and is actually and effort to listen to (nothing like the Toploader I hold dear to my heart). Time to face the truth, Toploader were wandering missionaries, martyrs to their cause, and bands such as Brad might provide a quick fix for your easy on the ear MOR needs, but that’s all you’ll get from this album. Thank God Shed Seven are still together and touring. Rob ‘Photographic genius’ J
★
ADAM GREEN Friends Of Mine Rough Trade Quirky yet cool, Adam Green of The Moldy Peaches fame releases another of his splendid solo efforts in the shape of Friends Of Mine. Oozing with 50’s-style kitsch and lazy vocals, it’s easy to see why people might mistake the era this record was made in, what with the man himself sporting a particularly retro (and dodgy) haircut on the cover. Opener Bluebirds brings us quickly back to the 21st century with such classic lines as “I don’t go out for Brunch and I don’t go out for cunts and I don’t go out for months without my Barnes and Noble credit card.” Accompanied by some highly infectious tunes, Green may have his foot firmly lodged in the past but his ironic genius is totally reflective of the here and now. Gemma ‘Not as Goth as you think’ Jones
★★★
DAVE GAHAN Paper Monsters Mute Another week, another solo effort from a member of Depeche Mode. Perhaps they’ve got some kind of
competition on. Gahan obviously brings across those even, clean vocals of his but also retains the band’s feel in terms of instrumentation and production. Understandable, maybe, but this has the unfortunate effect of making Paper Monsters sound a bit too much like a collection of Depeche Mode B-sides and outtakes. Patchy lyrics and songwriting are the problem; occasionally awkward and convoluted, there are a few moments on here that clunk like a lead balloon – and the flow of the album suffers badly. The simplest tracks are the most successful – like the current single (Dirty Sticky Floor) or the sublime, restrained Stay. A bit of a treat for the fans, but unlikely to convert many new ones. Gareth ‘Sigmund’ Lloyd
★★
OUTLANDISH Bread and Barrels of Water RCA Sad as it may be, the real key to commercial hip-hop success these days is the killer single. Imagine where Outkast would be without Ms Jackson, or 50 Cent without In Da Club. Despite the evident shoves and pushes given to Bread and Barrels of Water, Outlandish seem destined to wallow in the void no-killer-single, for obvious reasons. As an album, it works, neatly timed rhymes and a plethora of squelchy synths and campfire acoustic guitars. But it’s little more than competent. With no oustanding tracks whatsoever, and at least twenty minutes too long, it’s just not nearly captivating enough, and you can’t help but wonder if the commercial success of this will amount to more than the items in it’s title. John ‘Designer by name’ Widdop
★
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set. Ex-single The Day We Left Town stands out with its crackly electronic drums and warped string loops: it could be what Radiohead sounded like if they wanted to break your heart rather than waste your money. The sound of the album is impressive, but Turbonegro: They’re greasy 50’s throwbacks... the songs themselves are just as CORRIGAN good. Magnet’s talent is to write fantastically reassuring songs about loss How To Hang Off A Rope which he then stretches out over slow Bright Star/PIAS soundscapes, giving the melodies plenty of room to breathe. This is most evident According to ancient Celtic folklore, a on a cover of Bobby Dylan’s Lay Lady Corrigan is a mischievous fairy spirit Lay, where Gemma Hayes’ croon rubs fond of stealing the souls of human against Magnet’s breathy voice and you children. Put to the test at a recent slot almost feel like you’re intruding on an supporting Mclusky at Clwb Ifor Bach, intense personal moment. the kids clap at a medium pace, raise a Mat ‘Ninja’ Croft polite smile or two, get the beers in and remain in possession of their mortality throughout. Corrigan’s problem isn’t really their own fault, certainly they’re more than capable of chaining down a decent riff or two or even emulating a Pavement-style breezalong when necessary, but just one listen to, say, a Queens Of The Stone Age record eliminates any need for their existence. There are simply a lot better bands playing rock music harder and with better tunes. Any hope of a saving grace comes from hammy front-man Corrigan himself, seeing himself as a somewhat sinister entity with narratives about shootouts and suchlike which are rather more cringe-worthy than they are engaging. Distinctly average. Jamie ‘Indie-boy’ Fullerton
★★★
NU Alpha Bravo Shockpop Disco Adventure Records
MAGNET On Your Side Ultimate Dilemma From the first second, On Your Side is beautiful. Opener Everything’s Perfect puts Magnet into the same league of songwriting as Elliot Smith, Jeff Buckley and Ed Harcourt, with whom he played an astonishing show at our own Clwb Ifor Bach. The songs on this album don’t come out of your speakers, they emanate from the air of the room and you breathe them in through an open mouth. Windup music boxes, floating, soaring voices and caressing violins drift through the
Aha, this is more like it. From the same school of wacky art-rock as The Liars and Radio 4, only more inventive, S PRCSS (answers on a postcard) have the essential clever-clever random lyrics, sensitive haircuts and barking and shouting seemingly requisite for the genre. Although, what with this being affiliated with Frenchkiss Records, there are more stop-starts than an elasticated horse. With songtitles like Hi-Yah Is a Karate Chop and a general exhuberance of frazzled disco punk and madgadget genius, MNML (answers on the same postcard) achieves much more than its peers in half the time. Stupidity never sounded this intelligent. John ‘Twisted By Design’ Widdop
★★★★
PEPPERCORN Barefoot Arista Thanks to a disturbingly popular late Nineties American teen drama, the term Dawson’s Creek is now no longer just a tv series, but a sickly genre of music too. Anyone unfamiliar with the term, Dawsons Creek is a forum for happy-golucky feelgood singer songwriters with just a little hint of pain, but not enough to jerk sufficient tears minus the Van Der Beek accompaniment. Naturally, on tour with Darius, titles on show on Peppercorn’s second cd include Nice to You, Destiny and Hyperventilating, none of which are even remotely memorable save a bizarre reworking of Pacabel’s Canon. A serious case of not enough pepper, and too much corn. John ‘Twisted By Design’ Widdop
★
LSK Outlaw Sony Music The title of LSK’s second album is a statement about the way his music has no standing in any contemporary music scene. Following on from 1999’s selftitled debut which drew on soul, rock and hip-hop influences, Outlaw is a defiant two fingers up to the money-obsessed urban scene they might be expected to aspire to. Instead, Leeds born Leigh Stephen Kenny’s new project is built from mostly reggae and ska which is
CANYON Empty Rooms Witchita When a band are so preposutrously ambitious with their debut album, you know something’s afoot. The perfectly named Canyon make huge, massive, fat music of two parts alt. country musers Mojave 3, two parts Doves and two parts Dylan. None of which really matters of course, when somewhere around track seven, Canyon turn into Emerson, Lake and Palmer for the closing three songs. A stupid idea, but one listen to the dark, brooding, prog drawl of Head Above and even the resurrection of turgid rock dinosaurs is forgiveable. John ‘Twisted by design’ Widdop
★★★★
TURBONEGRO Scandinavian Leather Burning Heart Quote“Ironic” unquote heavy metal bands, like overrated European footballers, are ten-a-penny these days. Turbonegro are Sweden’s answer to a Village People-meets-Kiss-inB*Witched’s-clothing question nobody asked, and are about as close to sounding like a latter-day Spinal Tap as you’d hope to get. All in good jest, the only worry here is that over half the songs are incredible, and recent single Fuck the World is better than anything “the real deal” Metallica have put out since..ever. Despite the frequent flourishes, at 13, songs Scandinavian Leather tends to outstay its welcome, and tends to plod along nonchalently at times. The Ruud Van Nistelrooy’s of faux-metal, then. John ‘Twisted by design’ Widdop
Evolution and change is vital for an artist to stay vibrant, interesting and relevant and after 4 albums of the finest clicks, cuts and basslines, Stefan Betke, aka Pole, has finally altered his braindance template and embrace the worlds of hip hop and jazz. It’s a move which has had mixed results, the tunes sticking to his original pattern (Umbrella and Like Rain in particular) proving to be the most coherent and interesting. When Stefan ropes in his mate Fat Jon to provide vocal accompaniment or Thomas Haas on sax for jazz wankery, the album stumbles and stagnates. People looking for a superb exercise in hop hop and electronica should check the new Prefuse 73 record instead or hunt down Stefan’s 2 album and get your drinking partner to quote the Beastie Boys over the top - you’ll have much more fun and a much better record than this. Andy ‘Poledancer’ Parsons
★★
HUSBAND Rock And Pop Gentle Electric Lazy, sometimes quirky electroacoustic music from Nottingham’s Husband. Bass driven opening tracks Original and Everything both sound like what Nirvana might have been had Kurt Cobain been a pothead rather than a heroin addict. The Cramp and Hole are more akin to Simian’s slightly barmy acoustic behaviour, whilst the earsplitting white noise breakdown of Cigarette is almost bordering on Aphex Twin territory. Rock And Pop isn’t an instantly forgettable album, but a lack of any really great tracks to get your teeth into means it requires a bit of effort to get into. It may not be to everyone’s taste, but Husband’s slightly madcap acoustic meanderings could be just what you are looking for this summer. Rob ‘photographic genius’ J
★★★
★★★
MICHAEL FRANTI AND SPEARHEAD Everyone Deserves Music EMI Franti's old crew, the Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy, were so wordy in their politics that you always wondered if you should be taking notes in case you were tested afterwards. Thankfully, Spearhead's more relaxed backing allows him to orate in more subtle ways than the SHOUTING VERY LOUD of yesteryear. As expected, there's plenty of Bushbashing and flag-burning, but it's married to gentle, Morcheeba-like soul soundscapes and loaded with positive energies to counteract the anger. Franti always seeemed on the verge of turning into his hero Gil Scott-Heron, and he's closer than ever on tunes like Love Invincible. The chilled House-Hop style veers into coffee-table territory too often for comfort, but the lyrical provocations of Bomb the World and We Don't Stop keep you listening. Mat ‘Proud and not gay’ Croft
★★★★
Peppercorn: bit shite
STARS Heart Setanta For a band with as lovely and stellar a name as Stars, the lush electric balladry on show comes as no surprise. Taking notes from the marshmallow pop of St Etienne and (to a lesser extent) Dubstar, the eleven songs on Heart sung by towers-of-melody Amy Milian and bit-part “Sex in the City” (check your credits) actor Torquil Campbell are not only as sparkling as their moniker, but in standout track Elevator Love Letter and fluffy, drifting closer Don’t Be Afraid to Sing, show summer promise, and that there’s more to Stars than all that glistens. John ‘Twisted By Design’ Widdop
★★★★
Music
★★
S PRCSS MNML Frenchkiss
★★★
POLE Pole Mute
albums
In isolation, every song on NU’s debut album is a top-notch slice of glamorous, infectious disco pop. Polished until they gleam, guitars buzz and squeal amid frenzied synths, while Stine Jacobsen channels the ghosts of Debbie Harry and Nina Persson to surprisingly superb effect. Essentially, NU are the female-led Dandy Warhols: like Courtney TaylorTaylor, Jacobsen sings as if she’s worked out what glam-pop icons do, and is determined to follow it to the letter. Irrelevant in five-minute doses, it’s all slightly too obviously contrived over the course of an LP, and Jacobsen inevitably sinks into a rut of mouthing fauxkittenish empty witticisms for their own sake. The game’s finally up when the Blondie-aping façade drops to reveal none other than the new Shirley Manson. Alex ‘Russian Tourist Board’ Macpherson
★★★★
lyrically concerned with gritty realism like the price of CDs rather than boasting about girls and money. The confrontation is uncomfortable at times where Streets-esque Takeover fires at Radio One and The Streets with Leigh claiming he was doing it first, which rings of bitterness towards an industry that hasn’t given him his lucky break yet. This album will probably leave LSK outlawed, its chilled loose reggae beats aren’t to be faulted but being this political grows tiring through the LP. Kathryn ‘Dancefloor diva’ Archer
Trailer trash talking The Italian Job
Premise: Professional criminal Charlie Croker attempts to steal a shipment of gold bullion from his treacherous partner by causing the greatest traffic jam in LA’s history. Trailer: This looks pretty bad. It seems the original Michael Caine classic has been trampled on, and in its place is left a crass act of commercialism. Wahlberg is terribly wooden and the only up point of the trailer is the modernised mini chase.
teams up with his ex-con pal Roman Pearce to infiltrate an illegal Miami street racing cartel. Trailer: Without Vin Diesel on board, the only reason anyone will see this is just to drool after the fast cars it features. The trailer has lots of these but all they seem to do is ‘drive fast’, and with only one actual stunt in the preview then this has to bomb.
Trailer Rating: ✩✩
Trailer Rating: ✩
The Four Feathers Starring: Wes Bentley, Heath Ledger, Kate Hudson Dir.: Shekhar Kapur (Elizabeth) Out: June 13th Premise: When a young disillusioned soldier resigns from the army just before his regiment ships out for war in the Sudan, his four best friends brand him a coward and each send him a white feather. In response he disguises himself and follows them to the East in an attempt to protect his friends. Trailer: Although Four Feathers bombed Stateside, its hard to imagine such a well-known (this is the seventh version of the film) tale of both the benefits and disadvantages of English grit failing this side of the pond. The trailer promises a colourful period piece with lots of fresh talent and a breathtaking closing battle scene. Trailer Rating: ✩✩✩✩
Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Nick Stahl, Kristanna Loken Dir.: Johnathan Mostow (Breakdown, U571) Out: Aug 1st Premise: Set ten years after Terminator 2: Judgement Day, The Rise of The Machines sees John Connor, now in his early twenties, being pursued by a female Terminatrix with a built-in laser cannon in her arm, and the ability to corrupt other machinery. Only one machine stands in her way. Trailer: Although James Cameron is not connected to this third installment in the Terminator series, it still looks like it is going to be great. Even though it has been hard to take him seriously for about the last ten years, Schwarzenegger looks genuinely frightening as he goes head to head with the seductive female Terminatrix, and the devastating multi-million dollar lorry chase that ends the trailer looks amazing.
Trailer Rating: ✩✩✩✩✩
Starring: Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom Dir.: Gore Verbinski (The Ring) Out: Aug 8th Premise: Jack Sparrow battles a ship of evil pirates, who suffer under an ancient curse that causes them to turn into skeletons at night. Trailer: Even though this is a Jerry Bruckheimer produced film that it based on a theme park ride, it doesn’t look all that bad if it’s not taken too seriously. Depp camps it up alongside Bloom and Rush, the effects look pretty spooky, and keep an eye out for The Office’s Mackenzie Crook.
Trailer Rating: ✩✩✩
By Neil Blain
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Ed Norton Dir.: F Gary Gray (The Negotiator) Out: Sept 15th
Starring: Paul Walker, Tyrese, Ludacris Dir.: John Singleton (Boyz N The Hood) Out: June 20th Premise: After losing his badge, Brian O’Conner
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
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Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle Starring: Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Lui Dir.: McG (Charlie’s Angels) Out: July 4th Premise: The Angels investigate a series of murders that occur after the theft of a witness protection profile database.
Trailer: Bad kung fu, preposterous action, and lots of giggling – shameful. Trailer Rating: ✩
Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life Starring: Angelina Jolie, Gerard Butler, Chris Barrie Dir.: Jan de Bont (Speed, Twister) Out: Aug 22nd Premise: Lara Croft departs on a quest around the world in an attempt to gain Pandora’s Box. Trailer: As expected the trailer features all-out action, exotic locations and Angelina Jolie looking particularly curvy in a specially designed diving suit, but promises no development on the rather silly original.
Trailer Rating: ✩✩
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Starring: Sean Connery, Stuart Townsend, Jason Flemyng Dir.: Stephen Norrington (Blade) Out: Aug 15th
Starring: Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, Nick Nolte Dir.: Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, The Ice Storm) Out: July 18th Premise: After Bruce Banner comes in contact with a lethal dose of radiation he develops strange superhuman powers.
Trailer: This film has a great director, a superb cast and great potential to explore interesting themes about human emotion, but it could possibly be the first comic book adaptation to fail. Lee’s direction in the trailer looks dynamic but the computer generated Hulk looks rather cartoonish and some of the action slightly over the top.
Trailer Rating: ✩✩✩
Premise: Adapted from the comic book series compiled by Alan Moore, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen sees Alan Quartermain compiling a bizarre band of eccentric fictional heroes including Captain Nemo, Dorian Grey, Jekyll and Hyde and the Invisible Man to combat the threat of a madman bent on world domination. Trailer: Norrington seems to have captured the colourful atmosphere of Moore’s comics, but the overwhelming mix of characters and over the top special effects could alienate audiences and turn The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen into this years Avengers.
Trailer Rating: ✩✩
Ned Kelly Starring: Heath Ledger, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush Dir.: Gregor Jordan (Buffalo Soldiers) Out: Sept 26th Premise: Based on the novel Our Sunshine by Robert Drew, the film deals with the notorious Australian outlaw Ned Kelly, who committed a series of robberies from 1878-80. Trailer: Heath Ledger looks great as Ned Kelly, and being joined by such great talent as Bloom and Rush makes this project seem very interesting. The film’s success, however, might eventually depend on what light director Jordan chooses to present his antihero.
Trailer Rating: ✩✩✩✩
Film
Film
GRiP 14
16 LEGENDARY
DIRECTORS
Roman Polanski
ilm directors page
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By Peter Roberts
"He has his father's eyes." R oman Polanski was born in Paris in 1933 to PolishJewish parents. The family returned to Poland in 1937. When the Nazis invaded his parents were taken to concentration camps where his mother died. Polanski himself escaped from the Krakow ghetto and wandered through the Polish countryside being looked after by various Catholic families. Reunited with his father after the war he took up acting before enrolling at Lodz Film School. Between 1955 and 1962 he directed ten Polish-language films: the last, Knife in the Water, was nominated for an Oscar as Best ForeignLanguage Film. His next two films, Repulsion and Cul-deSac, were made in Britain. After his horror-comedy The Fearless Vampire Killers was picked up for US release Polanski went to Hollywood, where the mainstream success of Rosemary’s Baby made his name. In 1969, his wife, actress Sharon Tate, was murdered by
the Manson Sidney Blackmer introduces the Antichrist in Rosemary's Baby ‘family’ whilst convinced (rightly or wrongly) eight months that they’re the focus of a pregnant. conspiracy. Polanski Sometimes, however, he subsequently seems merely sleazy. Bitter relocated to Moon was a terrible Channel-5Europe. style ‘erotic thriller’ and his He 1971 version of Macbeth was returned to bankrolled by Playboy Hollywood in Enterprises and featured lots of 1974 and gratuitous female nudity. once again Polanski has made acting had success appearances in his own films with (he starred in Fearless Vampire Chinatown. Killers and The Tenant, and However, he had a cameo in Chinatown) and had to flee the his performance as a Russian country to mobster enlivened the avoid arrest of humour. otherwise dismal thriller Back in when charges of statutory rape He’s generally been more at the USSR. were made against him after he home with thrillers, which have People have often seen had sex allowed him to explore dark elements of Polanski’s own life with a 13-year-old model. psycho-sexual territory (incest, in his films: Macbeth, with its Between its undoubted pregnancy, torture, black magic ferocious bloodletting, came highlights, Polanski’s career and plenty of insanity and hard on the heels of Sharon has been quite patchy – his murder). Tate’s murder. His most most high-profile failure was The protagonists of his films autobiographical picture to Pirates, which cost $40 million are frequently thrust into an date, however, is The Pianist, and grossed less than 2. Like alien and menacing about a Polish Jew who his other attempts at comedy, it environment: they drift out of survives the Holocaust while showed him to have a touch with reality, or become his family are interred. somewhat idiosyncratic sense
Six of the Best
Chinatown (1974) Superb film noir for the post-Vietnam/Watergate era, with Jack Nicholson unearthing sleaze and corruption that go all the way up to the top. Faye Dunaway is hauntingly beautiful; John Huston is the creepiest bad guy in cinema history.
Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
Repulsion (1965) A very young Catherine Deneuve stars as a disturbed child/woman who retreats from the outside world into insanity and violence.
The film that spooked out a generation of expectant mothers, who feared that their new baby could turn out to be the son of the devil. Ruth Gordon won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her turn as the friendly satanistnext-door. Do not watch this if you’re pregnant.
Future Plans and Projects Now a French citizen, Polanski currently lives in Paris with his wife Emmanuelle Seignier, star of his movies Frantic, Bitter Moon and The Ninth Gate. The charges against him were never dropped and, despite sporadic reports in the media
that he will return to face the music, he hasn’t been back to the US since 1978 (and faces arrest if he ever does). As a result, the US publicity tour for 1994’s Death and the Maiden had to be conducted on a boat in neutral waters and in
Tess (1979) A copy of Tess of the Durbervilles was Tate’s parting gift to Polanski just before her death: with its innocent young heroine driven to murder by a sexually pestiferous man, it’s basically similar to Repulsion. Bearing that in mind, this is a surprisingly lush and conventional adaptation of Hardy’s tragic novel.
The Pianist (2002) A gruelling but brilliant picture, and Polanski’s best
in decades. Unlike Schindler’s List (which he turned down the chance to direct) this works because it doesn’t pump the audience for emotions. The film earned Polanski a much deserved Best Director Oscar and Adrien Brody the Best Actor gong at this year’s ceremony.
The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967) The best slapstick comedy ever made about the living dead, no question. Actually, most of the humour is inept and unfunny but there’s nice photography, cinema’s first gay vampire, and plenty of ghoulish fascination in the scenes with beautiful victim-to-be Sharon Tate.
February, his Best Director Oscar for The Pianist had to be accepted on his behalf by Harrison Ford. Still, after nearly 50 years of film-making, the award has given him something it once seemed impossible he would ever have, respectability.
17
A captivating read
A LIFE INSIDE: A PRISONER’S NOTEBOOK Erwin James Guardian Books
G
uardian readers might recognise the name; Erwin James has been writing a column for the paper since the Eighties, and this paperback is a compilation of that material. Imprisoned for an unspecified crime, James charts his own movement through the prison system, and the exploits of those he meets along the way in a series of handy, column-sized chunks. It’s a perfect structure for dipping into and out of, each individual piece encompassing an illustration of a particular
‘rule’ of prison life, or perhaps simply providing an anecdote of the social goings-on (it’s like a big soap opera, but with more stabbing). Steering well clear of sentimentality, and making no hero out of the author or any of his colleagues, this isn’t an exercise in self-justification or excuse-making - more a tale of survival under harsh conditions. Noticeably absent is any undertone of resentment at the system which incarcerates the author, perhaps due to his own first hand knowledge of the good that it can do under the correct circumstances – he freely assigns his own spiritual and intellectual ‘awakening’ to his time inside. Despair is a little more widespread, however
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– particularly when reading James’ accounts of the changes imposed by the Government’s ‘Prison Works’ schemes imposed of the Nineties (the cutting of educational and support facilities, and mass overcrowding). The magic is in the details of this strange, alien community: the ‘hierarchy’ of prisoners according to crime and reputation, the extensive vocabulary of prison lingo, the little routines that prisoners use to get through the day. More than simply a voyeuristic glimpse into the inner workings of the prison system, this is a book about people and how they cope. Gareth Lloyd
Calling Celtic culture vultures Celtic Hot Tub David Greenslade G.W.A.S.G
T
his is a hefty tome with admirable and grand ambitions. David Greenslade sets out to offer ‘the ultimate Celtic experience’ by exploring the worlds of Welsh minority language activism and culture through a cast of entertaining, vividly described and colourful
that the title will be awarded to Tolkein’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, with the Harry Potter quartet a close second, there are over ninety other titles and a series of programmes celebrating them being screened over the next few months. So, get yourself comfortable with a pen and paper and try something new. You never know, you might actually like it and learn something and yes, I’m still talking about reading! If you need any further encouragement, a number of high street stores are doing special deals on the top one hundred, so it’s cost effective too.
spitting, scalding and aching in one indiscriminate sheet of pain.” Celtic Hot Tub is by no means an easy read, especially if your interest in Celtic culture leaves something to be desired. However, if you persevere past the first few chapters, it is thoughtfully written, entertaining and often darkly humourous. Greenslade comments wryly on Welsh language fanaticism, and the exploitation of Welsh culture in contemporary society. The novel is crammed full of politics, disaster, passion and mysticism, and although it seems a little over ambitious and confusing to the reader at times, it is a rewarding and thought provoking read. Maria Thomas
As this weeks gair rhydd is one of the most self promoting issues ever, to celebrate the launching of the Big Read this summer, Books presents the guide to gair rhydd’s own favourite novels. "A self indulgent attempt to fill page space" I hear you cry? Maybe, maybe not. Music desk – Small Gods Terry Pratchett "Spot on religious satire that makes me wet myself" Film desk – Animal Farm George Orwell "It’s more important than the Bible." Sports desk – Animal Farm "I haven’t read the book because I have trouble with long words but the video I have of it is pretty fucking cool." TV Amy – Jane Eyre Charlotte Bronte "Because of its big fat thumping bra burning feminist tone." TV Alex – Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit Jeanette Winterson "I read it when I was twelve and never looked back." GRIP – Confessions Of Robin Asquith
Robin Asquith "Because it’s got a foreword by Windsor Davies." Odds and Sods desk – Enduring Love Ian McEwan "Intriguing, dark and compelling to read." Ed. – Secret History Donna Tartt "Dark, atmospheric, meaty and disturbing. The first book that I ever loved. Apart from Topsy &Tim" Arts desk – The Virgin Gay Guide Tim Laming "Since I reviewed it last issue it has changed my life." News desk – The Lord Of The Rings JRR Tolkein "My dad read it to me when I was four and it took a year and a half to finish. Now it takes me three days." Features desk - Pride And Prejudice Jane Austen "Mr Darcy is a god"
Books
U
nless you’ve been living in a subterranean cave on the Outer Hebrides for the last six months, you’ll be fully aware of the momentous literary event which is due to take place on the 21st of June, so I won’t bore you to tears any further by mentioning it. However, that’s not the only literary event taking place this summer. Launched on the 5th of April, BBC’s The Big Read will be counting down to the nation’s favourite throughout the summer months, and while we all know
a woman from Gwent called Sheena periodically develops a second pair of breasts. This almost Kafka esquephantasmagoria is punctuated with bizarre snippets of Celtic legend and folklore such as “a hare’s foot carried in the purse of a pregnant woman discourages all manner of bothersome sprites” and “the sight of two ravens inclined towards the earth as they turn a circle above it could only be a benefit.” The novel is written in elaborate and often graphic prose. As well as the customary descriptions of stunning Welsh and American landscape, we are also presented with brutal scenes of “dead men slowly boiling” and “skin steaming,
reviews
The big rhydd
characters. The author wishes to bring Celtic literature into the present day and move away from How Green Was My Valley style clichés. The tale is told through the eyes of Terri Ayre, who embarks on a journey from the “perverted Celtic death-hole” in which she finds herself trapped and moves through both America and Wales, encountering wrestling events, “puppy divination”, peace encampments, political activism and romantic love. She has been sent by her cynical publisher to find “things Celtic”, and this mission thrusts her into a surreal landscape in which people are murdered in overheated Jacuzzis, six legged horses roam freely and
18 • GRiP
gair rhydd 09 06 03
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The Matrix Reloaded (15)
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The second kung-fu fighting instalment of the fantasy action trilogy.
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Riotous comedy about a businessman wrongly sentenced to anger therapy.
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gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com
TV Desk is dead, long live TV Desk Yes, that’s right. It’s our final TV guide, so tear your clothes, put ashes on your forehead and beat your chest in grief - or perhaps jump for joy that those foulmouthed posh kids are fucking off. Whatever you prefer. Anyway, we can’t wallow in despair forever, so let the picking commence! Last year it was Wife Swap, this year the programme that Heat’s having dirty televisual orgasms over is the seemingly utterly rubbish (no pun intended, I promise) How Clean Is Your House? (S4C, Monday 9 June, 9.30pm), which begins on S4C this week - a customary seven days late. Hurrah for the Welsh Channel 4! Anyway. Two strange women visit filthy slatterns who live in dirt and squalor and tidy up their houses. Sounds shit, doesn’t it? Well maybe. But Heat are rarely wrong and as it’s 2am and
our last issue, I really can’t be arsed to have an opinion of my own. Cluttering up prime time on BBC2 this Tuesday is Talking to the Dead (BBC2, Tuesday 10 June, 9pm). I bet you thought I was going to make some facile joke about trying to communicate with lobotomy-boy Riath, didn’t you? Well, I’m not. So there. The programme follows people who’ve lost loved ones and are trying to contact them through mediums. Or rather, the film exploits a group of deluded saddos who need bereavement counselling, not the intervention of some mad old biddy, probably sporting a garishly coloured headscarf, who’ll pocket a nice chunk of tenners for muttering some vague platitudes about how one’s dead grandmother is “in a better place” and “sees a great future for you”. It’s all a crock of shite. Cynical? Moi?
Never! Talking of mad old biddies, Tobey Maguire’s alleged current squeeze and former baldie Demi Moore stars in Disclosure (five, Wednesday 11 June, 10.25), which, while not technically a horror movie, still manages to terrorise and frighten by casting wrinkly-arsed Valley-girl shagger Michael Douglas as
Week 1 a man so damn irresistible that Ms Moore - a woman, lest we forget, who’s bedded an unfeasibly large number of Hollywood big men - goes hell for leather trying to get him to pump her with his veiny lovestick. Meant to be a hard-hitting story of male rape and harassment; turns out to be an ill-thought out, half-arsed sport porn type affair. Worth a watch though - I seem to remember
Gimme Moore gets her norks out somewhere along the line. Just briefly: Pleasure Seekers: Swingers (ITV1, Thursday 12 June, 11pm). I mention this merely to give a warning - unless the sight of acres of aging, sweating, suburban flesh slapping together gets your foul and blackened heart racing (so that’ll be you then, Tristan), avoid this like the proverbial ass scabies. Musos all over Britain will have been soiling their carefully ironed underwear the past few weeks as some of the best bands of the moment have strutted their stuff on Later With Jools Holland (BBC1, Friday 13 June, 11.35pm.) This week is no exception with the spunktastic Karen O and her Yeah Yeah Yeahs raunching out their angular NY punk rawk, whilst, mmm, beardy indie types Grandaddy promote their lovely new
GRiP
album Sunday. Saturday provides us with the iconic masterpiece of dark storytelling that is The Empire Strikes Back (ITV1, Saturday 14 June, 6.45pm). George Lucas’ finest moment should be watched and revered by all, with the downbeat and disheartening ending surprising many people on release. Vader and Palpatine are on fine form and Lando can go suck my big fat jabba. Get there fanboys.
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9 June - 20 June
shattered the mould. Monday allows BBC to try and get its own claim in for classic drama with Spooks (BBC1, Monday 16 June, 9pm) giving 24 a damn good run for its money in terms of edginess and plotlines. After the topically pant-soiling suicide bombers last week, an anarchist hacker gets the team in all of a tizzy this week.Those lucky bastards (like myself) with BBC3 will have already seen this last week, but they get a new episode too so
Week 2 Hopefully there will be some amusing scenes of shouty Arabs burning Yankee flags. Burn you capitalist pigs, burn! Chatshows are a funny genre, especially American ones. Think of Jay Leno: a stunted bitchy little permatanned one joke self indulgent bore. What if I said to you a 19 year-old university student wanted to be Jay Leno? So much so he has his own
20 June, 11 pm). Prepare for the blurb: “An erotic thriller about a weary New York cop's attempts to hunt down a brutal serial killer. The clues in the case point to a female stalker who answers lonely hearts ads, so the cop plants an ad and dates the respondents. One of the women becomes his prime suspect but also leads him into an obsessive, torrid affair.” Run of the mill stuff you may think, but this stars none other than Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin. And thought of Al Pacino being ‘erotic’ sends a shiver up my spine, frankly. And with lumps in our throats (from crying, you filth, nothing else) we say cheerio then! Thanks for reading, thanks for being offended by our many and innovative ways of swearing, thanks to the cheerleaders for never actually turning up to beat us into bloody smears after we dedicated an issue to ripping them to shreds following an off-hand comment made by the least-liked member of the team. Most of all, thanks to John Leslie. You know why. Sigh. Happy, happy days. Be nice to John and Andy and the mystery Third Man next year. And remember - cunt is a four letter word. CUNT!
62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF
Television
Another week and the fresh meat gets some space to blow his load at the fine TV treats in store for everyone staying around after the horror which will be the Summer Ball. Unsurprisingly, the pick of Sunday night’s TV is Six Feet Under (S4C, Sunday 16 June, 11pm) which continues to set new high standards for intelligent, moving and downright darkly hilarious drama. With his own mortality firmly on his mind Nate is having a torrid time, whilst Ruth goes self-help crazy and David tries to win back his former lover. On top of this we get the amazing Rachel Griffiths to lust over, plus the most bizarre hallucination sequences since Twin Peaks
chatshow on public access television which he runs out his basement. It’s all true and what's more the man in question, Michael Essany, is slightly creepy and seemingly asexual to boot. Think Alan Partridge crossed with TV Alex, a frightening thought indeed. Be sure to tune in for surreal experience that is The Michael Essany Show (S4C, Thursday 19 June, 1.40 am.) Next up on parade of cunts which are the TV Desk picks is Are You Telepathic? (five, Thursday 19 June, 8.30 pm). Whether or not the aim the aim of this programme is to establish whether we are telepathic or not is open to question. Partly because I can’t be bothered to look at the listings. But I did glean from said listings that the programme features celebrity telepathics. Whether Bob Monkhouse will appear is up for speculation, but I have it on good authority that Bob knows his jokes are shite before he’s told them. The last ever pick from your loyal desk of television is Sea of Love (ITV1, Friday
pickings
they can’t complain. On to a bit of politics (ladeez and gents, in a Ben Elton stylee) with What The World Thinks of America (BBC2, Tuesday 17 June, 9pm). I don’t know if this will be related to the programme but according to that bible of topical knowledge, Channel 4 News, the US is rated as the biggest threat to world peace by those asked in some survey. North Korea came second. The mind boggles.
elevision
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gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com
Monday 9 June BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Bob the Builder 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.35 Lizzie McGuire 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Holiday: You Call the Shots 7.30 X Ray 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 Spooks Mmm... Matthew MacFadyen can spy on me anyday. Grrrowl! Also, aside from being a cracking series it features Dr Bashir from Deep Space Nine, according to my sad fucker of a boyfriend. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Life Matters: The Man Who Jumped Beneath the Earth 11.05 Comedy Connections 11.35 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Dale's Wedding 12.35 Stupid Punts 1.05 Adam and Joe Go Tokyo 1.40 FILM: Tommy Boy 3.10 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: Cine Cinephiles 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 11.30 BBC Primary History 11.50 BBC Primary Geography 12.10 Music Makers 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 Queen's Tennis 3.10 The Daily Politics: Euro Special 4.30 Queen's Tennis 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 The Good Life 8.00 University Challenge: The Professionals 8.30 Days That Shook the World: Moon Landing 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Guests are GayYee Westerhoff, Mark Steel, Billy Bragg, and Ian McLagan. Sorry, who are these people? Lamarr et al are really fucking struggling for guests, aren’t they? 9.30 Early Doors 10.00 Guess Who's Coming to Dinner Fred West, Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, Hannibal Lecter. Should be a real carve-up! Ha ha ha...ahem. Sorry. We’ve run out of actual jokes.10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Bitter Inheritance 12.00 Back to the Floor 12.30 BBC Learning Zone
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Classic 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street TWO episodes? In ONE day? And just why exactly do we need an hour’s worth of Northerners whining? Aren’t our lives depressing enough? 9.00 The Darling Buds of May 10.00 ITV News 10.30 Real Life: Being Terri 11.30 Barry Welsh Is Coming 12.00 Champions League Weekly 1.00 Strictly Soho 1.25 Today with Des and Mel 2.10 Wish You Were Here...? 2.35 Painting the Stars 3.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald Whoah... deja-vu. 3.25 Entertainment Now! 3.50 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
BBC1
BBC2
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 50/50 4.35 Ace Lightning 5.00 Really Wild Show 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Half an Hour to Save Your Life A stuntwoman is given less than 30 minutes in which to escape from a burning house. Sounds promising... maybe they could do a celebrity version in which Jade has only 30 seconds to escape. Awesome death scenes! 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Cutting It 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Cable TV 11.35 Premiership Priory 12.35 Boxing 2.10 Sign Zone 4.50 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: Wallace in Wales 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 10.50 BBC Primary Geography 11.10 Let's Write a Story 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Pathways of Belief: Judaism 1.15 Watch 1.30 Queen's Tennis 2.40 am.pm 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Queen's Tennis 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 With Savage Garden (shite), Denise and Johnny (Not Van Outen and Vaughan? Please, God, no!), Eva Cassidy (you only like her cos she’s dead, you necrophiliacs), Spandau Ballet (‘mazing), OMD (shite), China Crisis (worst name ever) and Dollar (oranger than a faketanned orangutan). 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Your Money or Your Life 8.00 Battle of the Atlantic: Keeping Secrets 8.50 What the Victorians Did for Us: Death and Disease 9.00 Talking to the Dead 10.00 Velvet Soup 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on BBC Two
Brian’s Boyfriends ITV1 12.05pm
Big Brother’s Little Brother S4C 6.00pm
S4C
five
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 The City Gardener 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Cic 4.30 Planed Plant: Mas Draw 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother Who do we hate most in BB now that Anoushka and her floppy norks have been booted? 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Glan Llyn 8.30 9 tan 9 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 How Clean Is Your House? 10.00 Big Brother Live 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.15 The Sopranos 12.20 Will and Grace 12.45 Big Brother Live 1.40 Today at the Test: England v Zimbabwe 2.10 The First Human Clone: Conception 4.00 Schools
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Jake Lassiter 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 The Smash Hits Chart 8.00 Angel 8.55 five news update 9.00 FILM: 187 11.20 Hollywood Sex 12.25 US PGA Golf 1.05 NHL Ice Hockey: Stanley Cup Game Seven 4.30 Dutch Football And so it ends, my friends. TV Amy says thanks to: Sports Desk for providing endless comedy, Gem C for being a better mum than my Mum, the Popbitch e-mail for giving us most of the jokes featured herein and me. For being great. Ha!
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five
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Tractor Tom 3.55 The Angry Beavers 4.30 Girls in Love 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Classic 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Summer on Gower 8.00 Holiday Airline Emmerdale actor Lisa Riley vents her fury on the check-in supervisor when her flight is delayed while they reinforce the plane to take the massive weight of her hideous bovine blubber. The last part might not be true. You’ll just have to watch to find out, won’tcha? 8.30 Home on Their Own 9.00 The Vice 10.00 ITV News 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Crossing Jordan 12.05 Brian's Boyfriends 12.30 Classic Albums 1.20 Trisha 2.20 Ghost Stories 2.40 World Sport 3.05 ITV at the Festivals 2001 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 How Clean Is Your House? 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Porc Peis Bach 9.00 Selling Houses 9.30 Location, Location, Location 10.00 Big Brother 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Triongl 11.55 NYPD Blue 12.50 Big Brother Live 1.50 Copa Libertadores 4.00 Ysgolion/Schools Jeebus fucking Crisps. Sports Desk are listening to The Wurzels album, on which they cover It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy in their own unique (by which, of course, I mean terrifyingly shite) style. The song ends with the sounds of a fat, old man from Somerset having an orgasm. The mental scars may take decades to heal. May God have mercy on Sports Desk’s souls.
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Grace and Glorie 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 The Treasures of St Petersburg and the Hermitage Quick TV Alex! Set your video, you Russian-loving twunt. 8.00 William at 21 Yay! Seeing as this is on five, we might well get some juicy gossip on the floppy-haired fop. 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.50 Murder Trail: Trailside Killer 11.55 La Femme Nikita 12.50 Boxing: Fight of the Week 1.40 Indy Racing League: Fort Worth 2.30 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 3.20 AMA Motocross 4.40 FIM World Motocross World Championships 5.25 Argentinian Football
Tuesday 10 June
21
gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com
GRiP
Wednesday 11 June BBC2
ITV1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Mummy 4.35 CBBC Winner Stays On 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Wildlife on One: Deep Thinkers 7.30 Match of the Day Live: England v Slovakia “It’s going to be shit” says Sports Desk, somewhat pessimistically. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Belonging 11.05 IMAGINE... the Saatchi Phenomenon 11.50 FILM: Shooting Fish “It’s alright for a Brit-flick” Film’s Neil lets his enthusiasm get the better of him, the bouncy little scamp. 1.40 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 2.10 Sign Zone: Rogue Traders 2.40 Sign Zone: Bailiffs 3.10 Match of the Day: England v Slovakia 5.00 Joins BBC News 24 One last time: CUNT! Ahhhh...
6.00 Open University: The Founding of the Royal Society 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC: Anthony Ant 7.00 50/50 7.30 Evolution: The Animated Series 7.50 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 8.15 Fix and Foxi 8.30 CBeebies: Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Boo 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Pingu 10.25 Teletubbies 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 am.pm 1.00 The Storyteller 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Queen's Tennis Elton John and David Furnish commentate. 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 It's Grim Down South This week featuring Tristan’s home village of Rammed Bottom in Devon, where incest and animal-lovin’ are rife and the locals live in mud huts daubed with the semen of the village’s prize bull. Grim? The word don’t even begin to cover it. 8.00 Home Front 9.00 Apply Immediately 9.50 Mr and Mrs 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Johnny Owen: The Long Journey 12.00 Designer of the Year 12.30 BBC Learning Zone
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Shortland Street 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.30 The Worst Witch 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Classic 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Prince William at 21 Narrated by Jack Davenport, which is pretty much the only good thing about this programme (the man has a voice like God rolled in melted chocolate). Who gives a fuck that this over-priviledged little shite has come of age? If he ever takes the throne it’ll be to the sounds of squeals of delight from Hello! readers and a resounding shrug from the rest of the population. Fuck the Monarchy up their velvet-lined anal cavities. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Dragnet 11.20 FILM: Stardust 1.20 The Machine 1.45 Today with Des and Mel 2.35 Trisha 3.30 World Football 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
BBC1
BBC2
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Balamory 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 All or Nothing 4.35 Viva S Club 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Darcy surprises Dee. Wahey! Lyn has something special to ask Susan. What a fnarr fest! Hot lesbo action from Erinsborough’s Yummy Mummies. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Rogue Traders 8.30 Bargain Hunt 9.00 Airport USA 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time 12.05 This Week 12.50 FILM: Deliberate Intent 2.20 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: What's Right for Children? 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC 9.30 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Watch 10.50 Words and Pictures Plus 11.05 Pod's Mission 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Queen's Tennis 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Malcolm in the Middle 7.30 I Love Wales 8.00 The Nation's Favourite Food This week, the Cheerleaders discuss how much they love guzzling jock cum. They just love it. 8.30 So What Do You Do All Day? Smoke fags and flick myself off to Trisha. Oh sorry, was that a bit too much information? 9.00 Kill or Cure 10.00 Porridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 15 Storeys High 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.30 BBC Learning Zone
Malcom in the Middle BBC2 10.00pm
S4C
five
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Caio 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Miffi 1.15 Fifteen to One 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Sgorio: Finland v Wales 9.30 Newyddion 10.00 Big Brother 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Brookside 12.40 Big Brother Live 1.45 One-Day Cricket: C & G Trophy Quarter-Final 2.15 The Michael Essany Show 2.40 FILM: L'ennui Last ever boring office gossip: Tristan morphs into David Brent, with horrific results; Sport try to arrange date with Cobliero’s younger, gingerer sister; TV Amy attempts recovery from hangover; is unsuccessful.
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Mallory: Circumstantial Evidence 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Cleo Worldwide 8.00 FILM: Phenomenon 10.25 FILM: Disclosure Demi Moore plays a powercrazed ho who tries to get off with minging men. So no great acting challenge there then. 12.50 Major League Baseball 3.50 Major League Baseball Replay 4.45 Australian Rules Football 5.35 Fastrax Just so you know, Magnum Gluttony = an orgy in ice-cream form. Not that I know what an orgy is like, of course. Heh.
ITV1
S4C
five
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Tractor Tom 3.55 Sitting Ducks 4.05 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.35 Art Attack 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Classic 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; 7.00 Emmerdale Chloe enjoys baiting Syd, knowing that he is longing to bite. A kinky fnarr for the northern fuckbags. 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Bad Girls 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Club Reps: The Workers 11.00 Pleasure Seekers: Swingers 11.30 The Pop Factory 12.05 Basic Travolta 12.30 Take the Mike 12.55 Now and Again 1.40 Hardcore Candy: Independent Women 2.05 Cybernet 2.35 Motorsport UK 3.00 Trisha 3.50 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Saith 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Mistar Morgan 1.15 Fifteen to One 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Noc Noc 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 Cymru Ar Ras 10.00 Big Brother 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.15 Frasier 11.45 Bo Selecta! 12.15 Big Brother Live 1.25 Secret History 2.25 The Death of Klinghoffer 4.25 White Girls Are Easy Well, honestly. That’s a bit of a general assumption isn’t it? I, for example, have never even seen a man’s willie and am very hard to get indeed. Whatever you might have heard about me renting my hole out to the nearest boy with a pint of cider is a vicious rumour with no basis in fact whatsoever. Yes indeed.
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: Glory and Honor Documentary examining the two traits absent from TV Alex’s personality. Next week’s Arrogance and Twattery examines his two most predominant characteristics. Yes, the little squealer’s not in the office which means a final abuse free-for-all. Hurrah! 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Gaudi's Barcelona 8.00 FILM: Tobruk 10.10 FILM: Death Wish II 11.55 Real Sex 12.50 Boxing Classic 1.40 Argentinian Football 3.15 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.05 Major League Soccer: Colorado Rapids v LA Galaxy 5.35 Motorsport Mundial Well, that’s me done for the year, fuckfaces. And aren’t you all just jumping for joy? See you all in the dole queue. Xxx
Thursday 12 June
Television
BBC1
Prince William at 21 ITV1 9.00pm
elevision
GRiP
22
gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com
Friday 13 June BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up in the Sun 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 3.05 Big Screen Britain 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo 4.35 Kerching! 5.00 Serious Jungle Goldie gives a lecture on European economic policy 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Lou turns to Toadie for legal help and gives Nina some home truths, like that she’s a vacuous bint and can’t sing. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 My Family Nick goes into business with an 18ft python. Hopefully it’ll eat the lot of them since this is the biggest pile of shit to hit our screens since Noel’s House Party. 9.00 The Big Impression 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Includes Johnny Vegas. Expect much pintage and a sofa struggling to contain his huge mass. 11.30 FILM: Rocky II “Fucking awesome” shouts Sports Desk 1.30 FILM: 83 Hours 'Til Dawn
6.00 Open University 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 Sheeep 7.00 All or Nothing 7.30 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 7.50 Round the Twist 8.15 Fix and Foxi 8.30 Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Zig Zag 10.40 Look and Read 11.00 Megamaths 11.20 Social Inclusion Dramas 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Queen's Tennis TV Alex and Graham Norton battle it out for Freddy Mercury’s strawberries and cream. 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars Extreme II 7.30 The Flying Gardener 8.00 Gardeners' World Live 9.00 The Spear of Christ Surely there must be something of great FNARR value that I can get out of this title - but my Godfearing good half insists that there’s no reference to the beardy one’s naughty bits... 9.50 What the Victorians Did for Us: 10.00 The Thin Blue Line 10.30 Newsnight With Kirsty Wark. 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Later with Jools Holland With Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Stevie Winwood, Terri Walker, Grandaddy. Awesome line up with beards a-plenty. 12.35 FILM: Klute Jane Fonda won an Oscar as a messed up whore in this. Sounds good.
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Inspirations 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 As Told by Ginger 4.30 Globo Loco 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries Devil mating sounds more like devil fighting - or so it says here. Watch in horror as Steve Irwin sucks Satan’s hot red cock. 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Classic 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Bob regrets putting pressure on Dawn as she flees the country. Serves him right for being a fat chuffer and insisting on going on top. Fnarr. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Hillary Clinton Interview - Tonight with Trevor McDonald I trust she won’t be smoking a cigar during this... 8.30 A Touch of Frost 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.00 After They Were Famous 11.35 I'm in Charge I may be new here but it’s true... 12.05 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Qualifying 1.20 The District 2.10 2002... Forever 3.05 Entertainment Now! 3.30 Ghost Stories 3.55 World Football 4.20 The Hillary Clinton Interview - Tonight with Trevor McDonald
BBC1
BBC2
6.00 Fimbles 6.20 Pingu 6.25 Captain Abercromby 6.40 ChuckleVision 7.00 Tom and Jerry Kids 7.25 Taz-Mania 7.45 UBOS 8.10 Arthur 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 The Saturday Show 10.30 Trooping the Colour 12.20 BBC News 12.25 Grandstand 12.30 Athletics Focus 12.45 The Great Welsh Triathlon 2.00 Queen's Tennis 5.15 BBC News 5.35 I'd Do Anything 6.30 Only Fools and Horses Rodney's new romance sends the household into a panic. It’s only a sheep Del Boy... 7.00 Just for Laughs 7.30 The National Lottery: In It to Win It 8.15 Casualty Bex revels in the latest titbit of gossip. Quite possibly the news of Tristan’s announcement to Riath: “Forget the dancing, lets just go home and shag.” 9.05 Strange 10.05 BBC News 10.25 FILM: Total Recall Sci-fi classic with Arnie at his monosyllabic best. 12.10 FILM: Best Laid Plans With Reese Witherspoon. Here’s hoping she’s the one getting laid. 1.45 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2.40 A Question of Sport 3.10 Top of the Pops
6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 Weekend 10.00 Animal Park 10.30 The Saturday Show 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Thunderbirds 1.35 Talking Movies 2.00 Living Famously 3.00 FILM: Flaming Star 4.25 Cagney and Lacey 5.15 Queen's Tennis Yet more limpwristed action. Tony Hart and Jean Paul Gaultier bat their balls around for a few hours. 6.00 Treasure Hunt 6.50 Trooping the Colour 2003 8.05 Cue the Queen Our Lizzie goes up against several minor celebrities in a pub brawl. Who could she beat in a fight? “The Queen Mother” - our esteemed ed, “Morrissey” suggests Shed 7 stalker Rob J. “TV Alex” screams Riath as he leaps on the rest of Sports Desk in a low budget re-inactment of 9/11. 9.05 George Orwell: My Life in Pictures 10.35 Have I Got News for You 11.05 Early Doors 11.35 I Love 1971 Nostalgia my arse. I demand Greg Dyke’s head on a plate. 12.30 FILM: Pulp The rags to riches story of Jarvis and his band. I wish - it’s actually Britflick dross.
FILM: The Deer Hunter S4C 1.55am
Later with Jools Holland BBC2 11.35pm
S4C
five
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 12.40 Planed Plant Bach 12.45 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Fifteen to One 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 4.50 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks Max thinks the way to Mandy's heart is stability. Nonsense, it’s a bunch of flowers and a Rampant Rabbit. 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Clwb Garddio 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Grand Slam 9.30 Big Brother 10.00 Big Brother 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.15 ER Weaver treats an influential alderman with a sensitive problem. That’d be syphillis then. “He must have got knob rot off some tart” quotes Tristan aka the Brentmeister General 12.15 Big Brother Live 1.50 Trust Me, I'm a Teenager 2.50 Brazilian Championship Football
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Kojak: Flowers for Matty Baldy soft porn.5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Gaudi's Barcelona 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 FILM: Sabotage Soft porn with Carrie-Anne Moss. TV Desk might just miss the Ball for this... 11.00 FILM: Snapdragon Soft porn with Pamela Anderson 12.55 FILM: Summer Dreams: The Story of the Beach Boys Soft porn with the 60s band. 2.30 FILM: I'll See You in My Dreams 50s soft porn with Doris Day - catch a theme with five’s broadcasting tonight?
ITV1
S4C
five
6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Young Hercules 1.00 ITV News 1.05 HTV News and Weather 1.10 British Touring Cars 2.15 Carry On Laughing 2.45 FILM: Cunter of the West The TV Alex story. 5.10 HTV News 5.25 ITV News 5.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 6.15 You've Been Framed! 6.45 FILM: Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back It’s the daddy. One of the greatest sequels of all time and a must see film for everyone. I shall be using my Jedi mind trick to convince my bitch girlfriend to watch this. 9.05 MIT 10.05 FILM: The Out-of-Towners Unmitigated shit, starring Steve Martin. Avoid it like it has ass scabies. 11.05 ITV Weekend News 11.20 FILM: The Out-of-Towners 11.55 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Qualifying 1.25 Nash Bridges 2.10 CD:UK 3.00 Entertainment Now! 3.25 ITV at the Festivals 2002 4.20 Cybernet Well hello there kinder, it’s the end of another year of the paper so the old guard of TV Desk fall away to be replaced by the freshfaced recruit of my good self, TV Andy. Having jumped ship from Music Desk I hope to live up to my predecessors high (and low) standards. TV Desk is dead, long live TV Desk. Huzzah!
6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Speedway Grand Prix 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Twenty20 Cricket: Gloucs.v Worcs. Gloucestershire to win by drowning their opponents in cider. 1.25 Channel 4 attheraces 4.00 Castle 5.00 Out of Eden 6.00 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Awstralia v Cymru “Wales edging it” suggests a delusional Riath. This man gets paid 30p a word by a national sports magazine and he can’t see that Wales are going to get shafted like Brian Dowling on a Saturday night. 7.55 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 8.10 Tipyn O Stad 8.40 Goreuon Yr Urdd 2003 9.40 Big Brother Live 10.10 FILM: Patriot Games High class IRA thriller action with the arthritic Harrison Ford chasing crack terrorist Sean Bean. Watch this and tape BBC1. 12.15 Big Brother Live 1.25 World Rally Shakedown 1.55 FILM: The Deer Hunter Oh. My. Days. Yet another amazing film on today. Vietnam war epic with Christopher Walken giving his finest performance alongside De Niro and Streep. The heart stopping Russian Roulette sequence is not for weak stomachs, however, and at 3 hours you’d better have plenty popcorn handy too.
6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.25 Roobarb 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.25 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Beast Wars 11.00 The Adventures of Sinbad 11.55 The Tribe 12.55 Popular 1.50 Harry and Cosh Gold 2.20 USA High 2.45 The Smash Hits Chart 3.15 Home and Away Omnibus 5.20 FILM: The Justice League of America Comic bookpap. 6.55 Charmed 7.50 Dark Angel 8.40 five news and sport 9.05 CSI: Speedle finds himself attracted to the girlfriend of a man whose death he is investigating. What sort of name is Speedle anyway? 10.00 Law and Order When a millionaire businessman is killed by a fatal dose of a sexual performance-enhancing drug, a key witness puts Curtis in a compromising position.A mighty fine FNARR if ever there was one. 11.00 FILM: Killing Moon 12.40 FILM: L.A. Johns With Debbie Harry. Yet more whore filled crap on five. 2.10 FILM: Invisible Mom The ever selfpleasuring Riath’s worst nightmare. He lives in fear of the dreaded knock at the door whilst he shakes hot white coconuts from the tree of love.
Saturday 14 June
23
gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com
GRiP
Sunday 15 June BBC2
ITV1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 TV Mail 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 1.05 Parkinson 1.25 Keeping Up Appearances 1.55 EastEnders 3.50 Points of View 4.05 Lifeline 4.15 My Family 4.45 BBC News 5.10 Songs of Praise 5.45 Rockface 6.45 Antiques Roadshow 7.30 Wildlife on One: Winning Dads A baboon father defends his family from a prowling cheetah, unlike the mole-rat dad which becomes a sex-slave, leading a life of luxurious idleness. Lucky bastard. I hope he gets The Gush. 8.00 Born and Bred A fortune teller comes to town. If it’s not Papa Lazarou, I’ll be a bit disappointed. 9.00 State of Play 10.00 BBC News 10.15 Panorama Investigation into the terrible rule of Robert Mugabe, possibly one of the most evil men on the planet. Of course we don’t send the army in to kick him out because he’s got no weapons of mass destruction. He’s just got a lot of new farms instead... 10.55 Hay 2003 On Show 11.25 FILM: Nick of Time With Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken. 12.55 FILM: By the Sword If that’s the pork sword this could be damn good.
6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC: Fix and Foxi 7.05 Fairly Odd Parents 7.30 Smile 10.30 CBBC: Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo 10.50 The Basil Brush Show 11.15 The Cramp Twins 11.30 Superbikes Special1.00 Butterflies 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 Becker and Edberg Interview 1.50 Queen's Final Who will become the campest man alive? I’m on the edge of my seat already. But that could be due to my piles... 3.20 World Superbikes 4.30 Moto GP 5.00 Edberg v Becker Ted Danson to win by a nose. 6.10 Hi-de-Hi! 6.15 Scrum V 7.15 Terror in the Philippines Chang decides he’s sucked enough, sharpens his teeth and goes for blood. 8.00 Top Gear 9.00 Fighting the War 10.00 24 10.45 This Life Overrated in this tired hack’s worthless opinion. 11.25 Harry Enfield's Television Programme 11.55 FILM: Guinevere 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Physical Education 4.00 Languages: Get By in Italian 5.00 The Tool Kit to Communicating: Making the Best of Yourself The whole of the office has just decamped to play footie in the park. Cobley won’t be having any children now due to the enthusiasm of TV Steve. Ouch.
6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Big Bang 9.45 Brilliant Creatures 10.05 Art Attack 10.30 Alpha - Will It Change Their Lives? 11.30 My Favourite Hymns 12.30 Waterfront 1.00 HTV News and Weather 1.05 Jonathan Dimbleby 2.00 International Motor Sport 2.30 The Adventure of English 3.35 HTV News and Weather 3.50 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 4.55 ITV News 5.15 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live 7.50 Coronation Street Fred is forced to intervene as Ashley hunts down Claire's ex. Hopefully he’s using a crossbow. Or a flamethrower. 8.20 The Royal 9.20 The Forsyte Saga Period drama. Daphne forgets her Tampax and a world of pain ensues. 10.50 ITV Weekend News 11.05 Classic Albums Featuring Def Leppard's phenomenally successful Hysteria, which spawned seven hit singles. Awesome onearmed drummer scenes. 12.05 F1: Canadian Grand Prix 1.05 FILM: Passed Away 2.45 Trisha 3.40 World Sport 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Our illustrious News Desk then declared himself “A massively erotic person.” Any lonely orangutans out there should contact gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com
BBC1
BBC2
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Trading Treasures 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Cash in the Attic 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Bob the Builder 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.35 Lizzie McGuire 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Lou is oblivious to Valda's crush. I’m surprised; that woman’s got arms of steel. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Holiday: You Call the Shots I say headshots to Nelson and Whiteley. Kneecap the other one. 7.30 X-Ray 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 Spooks 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Life Matters: Russell Grant 11.05 Comedy Connections About The Good Life. Mmm Felicity Kendal. 11.35 BBC Three Highlights on BBC 1: Stupid Punts 12.05 Adam and Joe Go Tokyo 12.35 Re:covered 1.10 FILM: Picnic at Hanging Rock
6.00 Open University: The Golden Thread 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 Rotten Ralph 7.00 Serious Jungle 7.30 UGetMe 7.40 Misery Guts 8.05 Newsround 8.10 Tom and Jerry Kids 8.30 Little Bear 8.55 CBBC 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 Trade Secrets 1.40 FILM: Perfect Day 2.00 FILM: Me and My Pal 2.20 Wimbledon Review 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 The Good Life See left. Mmm. 8.00 University Challenge: The Professionals 8.30 War Walks: Agincourt 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Early Doors 10.00 Guess Who's Coming to Dinner King Herod, Pol Pot, Hitler, Stalin and Milosevic. Should be a fun night. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Bitter Inheritance 12.00 BBC Four on BBC Two: Jan Morris 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University
Pol Pot: “Don’t forget to pack a wife”
Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner BBC2 10pm
Born and Bred BBC1 8pm
S4C
five
6.20 The Hoobs 6.45 Blue's Clues 7.10 Bagpuss 7.25 Salty's Lighthouse 7.50 Totally Spies! 8.15 Angela Anaconda 8.40 Taina 9.10 FILM: The Diary of Anne Frank 11.10 As If 11.40 Stargate SG-1 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Friends 1.30 Big Brother's Little Brother Does anyone else find Avid Merrion an annoying little shit or have I lost my sense of humour and am no longer “down with the scene”? 2.30 The Truth about Your Money It’s actually made out of elephant dung. FACT! 3.30 Sheba's Secret Mummies 4.30 Britain's Best Home 5.00 Maniffesto 5.30 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Byd ar Bedwar 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Porc Peis Bach 9.00 Cefn Gwlad: Y Berwyn 10.05 Newyddion 10.20 Big Brother 11.20 Six Feet Under Watch this or else we’ll send Alex and his Russians after you. 12.30 Big Brother Live 1.30 To Be Announced 2.30 FILM: Suddenly, Last Summer Despite a valiant effort from...
6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.25 Dappledown Farm 6.50 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy He’s been eating too many pies. 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Babar 9.25 George Shrinks 9.55 Wishbone 10.30 Braceface 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 FAQ 12.00 Revelations 12.35 five news update 12.45 FILM: The River 3.05 FILM: Contract for Murder 5.40 five news and sport 5.50 FILM: Beverly Hills Family Robinson 7.30 Danger! Incoming Attack More dumb fun with Nick Frost, aka Mike from Spaced. Random Mike quote: “I dressed up as an elderly Israeli woman once...” 8.00 Hollywood's Greatest Special Effects 9.00 FILM: Most Wanted 10.55 FBI Files: Terror in Disguise Riath does like to wear those ball dresses... 12.00 ITU Triathlon: Florida 12.50 This Week in Baseball 1.10 Major League Baseball Live 4.30 AMA Motocross ...myself, Riath, Jon and Cobley, TV Steve becomes football king.
ITV1
S4C
five
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Everything Must Go 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 You Can Do Magic 4.05 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.20 You Can Do Magic 4.30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Classic 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Sam is keen to put a smile back on Marlon's face. Chloe tries to match Yolanda, but her private performance for Syd leads to disaster. There’s two huge FNARRs right there. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald - William at 21 8.30 Coronation Street Sunita finds herself torn between two lovers. Fnarr - a spit-roast on prime time. ITV are certainly taking risks here. 9.00 The Darling Buds of May 10.00 ITV News 10.30 Real Life: Love on the Run 11.30 Barry Welsh Is Coming 12.00 To Be Announced 12.30 Red Hot Chili Peppers in Profile 12.55 Strictly Soho 1.20 Today with Des and Mel 2.10 Wish You Were Here...? 2.35 Painting the Stars 3.00 Tonight with TrevorMcDonald
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ding Dong 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Slici a Slac 1.15 The City Gardener 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Cic 4.30 Planed Plant: Mas Draw 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion News. 8.00 Glan Llyn 8.30 Naw Tan Naw 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Big Brother Live 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.45 The Sopranos Thank you S4C for putting this on so late I’ve never been able to watch it properly. You daft Welsh fuckers, switch it for the dire Pobol y Cwm NOW! 12.45 Big Brother Live 1.45 Will and Grace 2.10 FILM: A Kid for Two Farthings 4.00 Ysgolion/Schools Mac angst quotes: “Hitler had it easy, the Final Solution was easier to organise than these computers.” Mr. T gets controversial on our ass. Bet TV Alex would love that, the big gay man.
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show Truly a poor man’s Fern and Phil. 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Flight of Fancy 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Colleen is disgusted by Dani and Josh's public display of affection. What a prude. Surely the physical act of love is something for the whole world to see. Unless Riath, Vanessa Feltz or Chris Evans are involved. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 The Smash Hits Chart 8.00 Angel 8.55 five news update 9.00 FILM: Storm Catcher With Dolph Lundgren. Obviously an Oscar winning period drama then. 10.50 Hollywood Sex 11.50 NASCAR Busch Series 12.40 AMA Motocross Championships 2.20 FIM World Motocross Championship 3.10 V8 Supercars - Barbagallo 4.00 Motorsport Mundial 4.25 Argentinian Football
Monday 16 June
Television
BBC1
elevision
GRiP
24
gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com
Tuesday 17 June BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Trading Treasures 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Royal Ascot 3.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 50/50 4.35 Ace Lightning 5.00 Really Wild Show Nick takes a llama for a walk in Dorset. Llama walking on TV at last. My mission is over. 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Lou and Valda form a bond. Of rancid mucus which stinks of mothballs. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 DIY SOS Losers 7.30 EastEnders Vicki's lies backfire when Sharon suggests a pregnancy test. Beware the loose tongue of brag: it’ll all go tits up when you have to piss on a stick. 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Cutting It 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Fame: Remember My Name? John Leslie!!!!! 11.55 Royal Ascot 12.25 FILM: The Emerald Forest 2.35 Get a New Life 3.35 So What Do You Do All Day? 4.05 Tabloid Tales 4.45 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Was Anybody There? 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.00 Blue Peter 7.30 UGetMe 7.40 Lizzie McGuire 8.05 Newsround 8.10 Taz-Mania 8.30 CBeebies: Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Brum 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 BBC Primary Geography 11.10 Let's Write a Story 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Pathways of Belief: Judaism 1.15 Watch 1.30 Great Speeches 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Escape to the Country 2.40 am.pm 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Royal Ascot 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Your Money or Your Life 8.00 Battle of the Atlantic: The Hunted 8.50 What the Victorians Did for Us 9.00 What the World Thinks of America Fat arrogant tossers? 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Bonzos 12.30 In the Shadow of Vesuvius 1.20 Orsanmichele 1.30 Ever Wondered? 2.00 History: Britain 1750-1900 4.00 Talk Italian Venice 5.00 The Tool Kit to Communicating
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Everything Must Go 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Tractor Tom 3.55 You Can Do Magic 4.00 The Angry Beavers 4.15 You Can Do Magic 4.30 Girls in Love 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Classic 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Summer on Gower Four students spend their holidays camped on cricket legend David Gower’s bald patch. 8.00 Holiday Airline 8.30 Home on Their Own 9.00 The Vice 10.00 ITV News 10.30 The Ferret 11.00 Crossing Jordan Jordan investigates how big she can inflate her blow-up tits before she falls over. 12.00 Brian's Boyfriends 12.30 Classic Albums Never Mind the Bullocks, It’s the Wurzels. Office fav! 1.25 World Sport 1.50 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Replayed 4.20 ITV Nightscreen
BBC1
BBC2
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Trading Treasures 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Royal Ascot 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Mummy 4.35 Winner Stays On5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Wildlife on One: Deep Thinkers 7.30 To Catch a Thief 7.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 8.00 Death By... Home `Handy' Andy Kane presents a lighthearted show looking at the dangers of in the home. ’Lighthearted’? ‘Death’ in the title? 9.00 How to Be a Prince 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Belonging 11.05 Imagine 11.50 Royal Ascot 12.20 FILM: Perfect Crime 2.05 Panorama 2.45 Changing Rooms 3.15 Rogue Traders 3.45 Bailiffs 4.15 Wildlife on One 4.45 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Finding a Balance 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 Anthony Ant 7.00 50/50 7.30 UGetMe 7.40 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 8.05 Newsround 8.10 Evolution: The Animated Series 8.30 Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Boo 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Pingu 10.25 Teletubbies 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 am.pm 1.00 Lifeline 1.10 Looking Good Tricks 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Neighbours 2.25 FILM: Hog Wild 2.45 FILM: Music Box 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Royal Ascot 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Rogue Mail 8.00 HomeFront Designers 9.00 Apply Immediately 9.50 Mr and Mrs: The Swans 10.30 Newsnight11.20 Storyville 12.30 Living with Risk 1.00 Powers of the President 1.50 What Have the 70s Ever Done for Us? 2.00 History: 20th Century World 4.00 Italy Inside Out: Milan/Rome
Death by... Home BBC 1 8pm
Camilla: The Uncrowned Queen five 8pm
S4C
five
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Caffi Sali Mali 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Plismon Puw 1.15 The Dinner Party Inspectors 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Ty Gwenno 4.30 Wali Wags 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Porc Peis Bach 9.00 Selling Houses 9.30 Location, Location, Location 10.00 Big Brother Is it me or is the voting being skewed by ‘tit envy’ on the part of you ladies out there? Poor Anoushka. 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 The West Wing 12.10 Cricket 1.10 NYPD Blue 2.05 FILM: Sailor Beware! TV Alex is lurking in the shadows. 4.00 Ysgolion/Schools
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: The Broken Cord 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.30 The Treasures of St Petersburg and the Hermitage 8.00 Camilla: The Uncrowned Queen Err, she’d be a Princess wouldn’t she? I wouldn’t claim to be expert though. 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.50 Murder Trail: Menendez Brothers 11.50 La Femme Nikita 12.45 Boxing: Fight of the Week 1.35 Indy Racing League 2.25 Laureus Sports Awards 3.45 Australian Rules Football 4.35 Fastrax 5.00 Major League Soccer: Colorado Rapids v LA Galaxy
ITV1
S4C
five
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Everything Must Go 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 You Can Do Magic 4.05 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.15 You Can Do Magic 4.30 The Worst Witch 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Classic 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Danny suspects that Ollie is taking drugs. Drugs eh? That could be asprin or crack couldn’t it? 7.30 Coronation Street An intimate reminder of Maxine brings Ashley and Claire closer together. Ahh, pubes on the soap, brings back so many memories. 8.00 The Bill Debbie gets into hot water. Should have tested the water with your elbow, love. 9.00 Ultimate Force 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Dragnet 11.20 FILM: No Looking Back 1.10 The Machine 1.35 Today with Des and Mel 2.25 Trisha 3.20 Ghost Stories 3.45 World Football 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 1.00 Caio 1.05 Miffi 1.15 Can You Live without...? 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Cawl Potsh 4.40 Sgorio Bach 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm Sab is not coping very well with the cafe. He’s finding it hard to grip the cutlery with his tires. That is so lame. Be assured I’m birching myself as I write. 8.25 Criw'r Cyngor 9.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 9.30 How Clean Is Your House? 10.00 Big Brother My guess is Tanya will be out by now as she’s next in line on the sliding ‘bap’ scale... 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Brookside 12.40 Big Brother Live 1.40 The Michael Essany Show 2.05 To Be Announced 3.05 FILM: City under the Sea Victory in the office kick-about was had by Tristan’s team thanks to yours truly...
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: The Hound of the Baskervilles 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Cleo Worldwide 8.00 Are Your Kids on Drugs? 9.00 FILM: Blown Away With 11.20 Real Sex: Electric Sex Featuring lessons in whipcracking from a journalist and publisher, and the masturbation chair - the sex toy with a difference. Any chair in my house is a masterbation chair. Any surface too. 12.15 Major League Baseball 3.10 Confederations Cup Football: France v Colombia 4.35 Confederations Cup Football: New Zealand v Japan ...I was Ruud Van Nistlerooy to Riath’s Diego Forlan. Cobley caught a ball in the balls and is now sterile. Well, he says he is, I haven’t done tests.Yet.
Wednesday 18 June
25
gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com
GRiP
Thursday 19 June BBC2
ITV1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Trading Treasures 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Royal Ascot 3.25 CBeebies: Balamory 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 All or Nothing 4.35 Viva S Club 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround Topical 5.35 Neighbours Jack is talked into coaching a girls' soccer team. Lucky, lucky bastard. Mmm... women in football kits. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life This week: Riath Osama Kaftan Hussien Al Samarrai. “At the age of twenty, Riath entertained his co-workers by stretching condoms over his head.” 7.30 EastEnders Sharon is determined to find out who Vicki has slept with. Nosey cow and loose-flapped slut respectively. 8.00 Rogue Traders 8.30 Bargain Hunt Bring on the tango! 9.00 Murder in Mind 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 This Week 12.50 Royal Ascot 1.25 FILM: The Defenders: Taking the First 3.00 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Clayoquot Sound - the Final Cut? 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.00 Blue Peter 7.30 UGetMe 7.40 Ocean Odyssey 8.05 Newsround 8.10 Taz-Mania 8.30 Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Watch 10.50 Words and Pictures Plus 11.05 Pod's Mission 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Tennis 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 FILM: The Woman on Pier 13 3.20 Regional News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Royal Ascot 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Malcolm in the Middle 7.05 Malcolm in the Middle 7.30 JK Rowling: The Interview 8.00 Escape to the Country 8.30 So What Do You Do All Day?: Eddie Jordan 9.00 Kill or Cure 10.00 Porridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 15 Storeys High 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.30 Rough Science 1.05 What Have the 70s Ever Done for Us? 1.15 Background Brief Science and the Psychics 1.30 Relative Risk - the Human Genome Project 2.00 Ever Wondered? 2.30 Clayoquot Sound Cut?
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Everything Must Go 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Tractor Tom 3.55 You Can Do Magic 4.00 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.25 You Can Do Magic 4.35 Art Attack 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Classic 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Betty's attempts to hide her painful affliction from Edna fail when she moons some coppers but clearly displays her piles. 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Bad Girls The presentation of the wheelchair for Buki's son doesn't go as planned when the women take guest, Christopher Biggins hostage. Not for ransom, presumably. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Club Reps: The Workers 11.00 Pleasure Seekers: Girls on Film 11.30 The Pop Factory Music 12.00 Turn On Terry 12.30 Take the Mike 12.55 Now and Again 1.40 Hardcore Candy: Mud Puddles 2.05 Cybernet
BBC1
BBC2 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 Sheeep 7.00 All or Nothing 7.30 UGetMe 7.40 Round the Twist 8.05 Newsround 8.10 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 8.30 CBeebies: Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Zig Zag 10.40 Look and Read 11.00 Megamaths 11.20 Social Inclusion Dramas 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Tennis 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 FILM: Quantrill's Raiders 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Royal Ascot 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars 7.30 The Good Life 8.00 The Flying Gardener 8.30 Gardeners' World 9.00 Timewatch: Himmler, Hitler and the End of the Reich 9.50 What the Victorians Did for Us 10.00 The Thin Blue Line 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight 11.35 Later with Jools Holland 12.35 FILM: Smoke Wayne 3.00 Landmarks
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Trading Treasures 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Royal Ascot 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.35 Kerching! 5.00 Serious Jungle 5.25 Newsround Topical 5.35 Neighbours Nina returns to pursuing her true passion. Fisting 6.00 BBC News So tired... 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Pressure mounts on Tariq to come clean to Kareena. Tariq Aziz? His real name is Michael, y’know. 8.30 My Family 9.00 Auf Wiedersehen, Pet 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 11.10 Men Behaving Badly 11.40 Royal Ascot Highlights. 12.10 FILM: Dead Heat 1.50 FILM: Kuffs 3.25 Joins BBC News 24
Play Your Cards Right ITV1 7pm
TWAT
S4C
five
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Saith 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Mistar Morgan 1.15 Can You Live without... Smoking? 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Noc Noc 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Friends 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm Bleddyn and Carl go out to a gay club. Cue Riath to sing Gay Bar by Electric Six. Badly. 8.25 Tipyn O Stad Huw celebrates his success but drunkenly upsets several people by going up to young ladies and saying “Can I touch you where you wee?” 9.00 Catrin Finch: Telynores Frenhinol 10.15 Big Brother Live 10.45 V Graham Norton 11.25 Frasier 11.55 Bo Selecta! 12.25 To Be Announced 1.25 FILM: Das Boot
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: Caravan to Vaccares 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Noah is jealous when Hayley gets a tattoo of a winged cock. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 House Doctor 8.00 Hot Property 8.30 Are You Telepathic? Features celebrity telepaths and members of the public. 10.00 FILM: Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 11.45 Confederations Cup Football: Brazil v Cameroon 1.15 Confederations Cup Football: Turkey v USA 2.45 Argentinian Football 5.05 Major League Soccer
ITV1
S4C
five
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Everything Must Go 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Inspirations 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 You Can Do Magic 4.05 The Angry Beavers 4.20 You Can Do Magic 4.30 Globo Loco 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Classic 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right Back from the beyond of nether-fame. He of big chin is back with added sexist innuendos. Hurrah! 7.30 Coronation Street Sunita is tempted by Ciaran's charm as he turns the tables on Dev's devious dealings. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 A Touch of Frost 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.00 FILM: Sea of Love 1.05 The District 1.55 Girl Power Forever 2.50 Entertainment Now! 3.15 Today with Des and Mel 4.05 World Football 4.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News HTV West.
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Stori'r Anifeiliaid 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.15 Selling Houses 1.45 A Place in France 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks Steph tries to come to terms with the news that she was attacked by the serial killer. As we all know, Chester is crawling with serial killers. Fuckwits. 7.00 Popcorn Live 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Clwb Garddio 8.30 Pobol y Cwm Is the news about Bleddyn true? Well ‘it has echo’, or so I’ve heard. 9.00 Grand Slam 9.30 Big Brother 10.00 Big Brother 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 ER 12.10 Big Brother Live 1.00 World Rally 1.30 Cricket 2.30 Trust Me, I'm a Teenager 3.30 Brazilian Championship Football Sorry, it’s all a bit lame today. Hang-over from hell is destroying my brain. Bluerrgh..
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Dinner Doctors 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Bear Island 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.15 Animals at War This week the squirrels take on the mighty badgers. Although the badgers have big size advantage, the squirrels will be looking to use their secret weapons: their nuts. 7.45 FIFA Confederations Cup Football: France v Japan live 10.05 FILM: F/X - Murder by Illusion Offbeat conspiracy thriller in which a cinema special-effects wizard is hired to stage the phoney assassination of a mobster. Happens every day. 12.15 FILM: The Ups and Downs of a Handyman 1.50 FILM: The New Land 4.25 The Love Boat 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters Bye, bye readers, If anyone wants to employ me, I can found in the dole queue.
Friday 20 June
Television
BBC1
JK Rowling: The Interview BBC2 7.30pm
26 • GRiP
gair rhydd
gair rhydd 09 06 03
In preparation for the launch of our new magazine section we are recruiting new editors This summer gair rhydd is planning to build a new magazine from scratch. Whilst it will contain all the best bits rom GRIP, everything from the name of our mag to the content is up for debate. We want fresh ideas for sections, columns and articles. Underneath is a list of ideas or pages that require editors and designers. But it’s not conclusive so e-mail us if you want input, or if you want to get involved. email ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk REQUIRED SECTION EDS: Investigations editor, Student politics editor, Fashion editor, Gay section editor, Post graduate section editor, Extended features editor, University Comedy editor, Interviews editor, Travel editor, gair rhydd.net editor, Societies page editor, Welsh language section editor, TV editors, Odds and Sods editors... OTHER IDEAS: Cartoon and political sketching, Soap opera/ weekly serialised story, True stories, Jokes, Consumer reviews, How to… guides, Student sex and the city, Sport features, Comedy problem page, Top tens…, postcards from the real world,
We are looking for designers, web designers, writers, photographers and proofreaders
Get vital experience in writing, designing, editing
We are an award winning paper that is highly repected in the newspaper industry
GR looks awesome on your CV, experience is essential in in any media career
|f you’ve stil got years left at University, make sure you make the most of your time
gair rhydd can offer the type of experience that is key to a career in the media.
GRiP • 27
gair rhydd 09 06 03
0 5 . £1 ALL s e l t t bo
Schools out for Summer Wednesday 11th June
0 5 . 1 £ A, L L E T S , BUD, S S E GUIN ROLSH G
Midd til la ay te
£1.20 CARLI STRON NG, WORT GBOW, HINGT ON SCHOOL DRESS
DRINK THE BAR DRY “SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER”
28 • GRiP
gair rhydd 09 06 03
gair rhydd 09 06 03
• 11
Features
09 06 03
gair rhydd features section Free Word 741
Having
a
Ball You looking at us? Far left: Shelli Segal black dress £175. Dinner Jacket: £120 by Fraser. Far right: Gina Bacconi pink dress £125, exclusive to Howells
With the summer ball approaching, Karen Richards looks at what Howells has to offer for the special occasion.
Looking good. Tie £10, Jacket £120, Trousers £60, shirt £25. All Fraser.
Left: Shelli Segal dress £155. Right: Shelli Segal red dress £155. Both Howells. Shoes: - models own.
Evening elegance
Slinky silhouettes as the sun goes down.
Black is the classic shade and pink is perfect for bronzed babes.
gair rhydd 09 06 03
14 • Features - Ball special
Beauty in a bag Pamper and Polish yourself with indulgent essentials. Beauty at Park Place Gym with Debbie Marsh (fully qualified beauty therapist) provides a variety of treatments including facials, spa body therapy, waxing and manicures. Students are entitled to 10% discount on production of a valid form of I.D. Situated inside the fitness suite of 49 Park Place. To book an appointment 029 2087 6706
Avocado and cream Mask contain A, B and C vitamins plus essential amino acids. Ingredients: half a ripe avocado, 2 tablespoons of fresh double cream, 1 tablespoon wheatgerm oil, 3 capsules evening primrose oil, rosewater hydrolat. After mashing the ingredients well, apply and leave for 20 minutes. Frequency: twice a week for dry skin. Shelf life: 6 hours.
Skincare - Concerned about flawless skin? A customised skincare session of your choice is available ranging from £19.00£27.50 for one session, or you could make your own.
Tanning - Its all about the ‘ I can’t believe it’s not real’ Mediterranean glow. Beauty at Park Place provides a truly safe way to tan. Exfloitaion is followed with an application of Self
Tanning Lotion, also available for purchase. It develops in 3-4 hours. Perfect Feet - Strengthen your nails. Rub oil on the nail bed and into cuticles. For pretty and rounded toe nails, a pedicure is your best policy. There is still time to firm up that body before the all- baring deadline. Necessities for your bag A hip flask for hazy summer days (filled with a drink of your choice) Mascara -To keep your eyes looking metallic all evening. Lip gloss - for irresistible lips and quick and fun to apply. Bronzing powder -super glam.
Summer fun with a twist Chloe Rollinson As the exam season draws to a close and those library visits become a thing of the past, its time to wheel out the barbecue and dust off those dancing shoes for the traditional end of term festivities. And where better place to start than the Summer Ball? This year’s event looks set to eliminate memories of the farce that was last year’s musical entertainment with the PVC clad Sugababes headlining the event. And no doubt many a male ticket has been sold on the strength of young Heidi, Mutya and Keisha’s collective "talent". If older stuff is more your thing, the ball organisers have got it covered in the form of squeaky voiced TV personality Keith Chegwin and the imitation Abba band Björn Again. And if this rather adequate slice of cheese is not sufficient – London bad boys (I use this term in the loosest possible sense) East 17 will be serenading you with their Christmas power ballad, and one and only memorable hit, "Stay Another Day". If circus performers and fairground rides are
not your ideal way to see out the end of year, there are potential ball alternatives aplenty. For festivities on a budget, Tesco’s is currently running a line in bargain barbecues, so why not mix up some lethal punch, invite over the crowd and in time honoured Aussie fashion pop a few snags on the barbie? Alternatively, for those fancying a flutter, or just a different watering hole, head out to Chepstow races for the evening. On the 13th, racing begins at 6.30pm and continues through until 9pm and tickets are surprisingly reasonable - ranging from £8.80 for larger group members to £11 for individuals. And for the meagre sum of £16, luxury lovers among you can sit back and peruse the racing with a glass of champagne in one hand and an oyster in the other. If laughter rather than luxury is what you’re after, you’ll find it at Cardiff Bay’s Glee Club. A short trip out of town, the Glee Club’s "Stand Up Show" (beginning at 8pm) offers up the hilarious talents of Geordie comic Gavin Webster, king of the one-liners Anthony King and Father Ted regular Joe Rooney. Tickets cost just £6.50 for students and why not grab a bite to eat before the show at one of the Bay’s fine eateries. From tapas to Turkish,
all tastes will be catered for. For those non - gambling alcoholics among you, we suggest for the drama and culture lovers, the production of Brontë’s classic Wuthering Heights, showing on the 13th at the New Theatre. For this dramatic spectacle tickets range from £8-£15 if bought in
advance, but for students on the day of the show, remaining tickets are sold off for just £5 after 6pm. All that remains to be said is whatever your preference Cardiff has got it covered, so enjoy. and see out that end of year with a bang.
gair rhydd 09 06 03
Features - Ball special •15
gairrhydd Was brought to you by... Editor Gemma Curtis Deputy Editor Tristan Thomas GRiP Editors Rob Jackson, Alex Macpherson, Nick McDonald News Mark Cobley & Rhiannon Davies Sport Riath Al-Samarrai-Ninja, David Williams, Daniel Evans Features Karen Richards Books Jane Eyre Arts LaDonna Hall, Mat Croft & Rachel Pegum Music Gemma Jones & Andy Parsons Film Neil Blain Games Chris Pietryka Get There Anthiony Lloyd Comment Dave Gates Television Steve Hurst, Amy Butterworth, Alex Macpherson Letters & Crossword Dave Gibson Big Win Circus Matt Harvey Odds and Sods Charlotte Spratt Contributors and other incoming section editors who more than deserve a mention Gareth Lloyd, Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss, Maria Thomas, Kathryn Archer, Harry Newington, John Widdop, Gavin Dobbes, James Cole, Chloe Rollinson Other Legends Each and every one of the editorial team, who have done me proud. Gotta say, you are legends. One and all. And Hannah, Elaine and Joe as well. If you would like to be featured in this rather delightful grey bar next year, than all you need to do is come up to the office, ring or email us, and let us know that you are interested. It is always a pleasure to get new people involved. For one thing it stops the in-jokes getting quite as prevalent in the paper. And it stops the in-breeding, so we look less like people from the Forest Of
Contact us Address gair rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434 Advertising – 0845 1300667 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union
TOP 1 0 If you are feeling adventurous… 1- Strawberry and Malibu slushie Bring retro coconut liqueur bang up to date with this refreshing cocktail. It makes the perfect sundowner. Recipe*175g juicy ripe strawberries, washed and hulled *100ml Malibu *100ml vodka *squeeze of lime juice *crushed ice *1tbsp caster sugar Purée the strawberries and sugar until smooth. Add the Malibu, vodka and a good squeeze of lime juice and mix again. Fill 4 chilled Martini glasses with crushed ice and top up with drink. Decorate with a wedge of lime or a strawberry. 2- Go out and play Sex and the City style… Cosmopolitan classic *3/4 oz vodka *1/2 oz triple sec *1 oz cranberry juice *1 oz lime juice Add ingredients to cocktail mixer, shake, then strain into a chilled martini glass 3- White Russian *1 1/2 oz vodka *1 1/2 oz coffee liqueur * milk Mix the shots and top up a tall glass with fresh milk 4- Sex on the Beach-shooter *1/4 shot vodka *1/4 shot peach schnapps *1/4 shot orange juice *1/4 shot cranberry juice Serve in chilled glass Classy Chic 5- Champagne Cocktail- The classic Champagne cocktail and hence, the perfect drink to celebrate end of exams. Place a sugar cube in a glass and add 2-3 dashes of Angostura bitters. Top up half way with champagne. 6- Tequila Sunrise- great easy - to - drink classic. Add large shot of tequila to a glass, top up with chilled fresh orange juice and stir. Add a couple of dashes of grenadine down the side of the drink and garnish with a cherry.
7- Strawberry Daiquiri2 jiggers Jamaica rum 1 jigger lime juice 2 jiggers strawberry mix ice Blend in blender with ice. Pour into a tall glass and decorate with a whole strawberry 8- Woo Woo 1 oz Peach Schnapps 1 oz Vodka Splash of cranberry juice Shake with ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass or serve on the rocks. For those who don’t drink… 9- Pussy foot- All you teetotallers! You may need a nonalcoholic cocktail,so try this. Add a few ice cubes to a shaker and then 150 ml of fresh orange juice, the same of fresh grapefruit, a dash of grenadine and 2 dashes of lemon juice. Shake well and strain into an ice- filled highball. 10- Scarlet O' Hara 2 parts Southern Comfort 1 part lime juice 2 parts cranberry juice 1 lime slice Shake all the ingredients with cracked ice. Strain and pour into a cocktail glass Particularly great cocktail hot spots to check outHenry’s and Bar Cuba
Iced coconut gems *100g granulated sugar *400ml of hot water *2 x 450ml tins of coconut milk *juice of 1 lime Put sugar and water in saucepan and stir until dissolved. Bring pan to boil, then reduce to simmer for 7 minutes without stirring. Cool, then mix this syrup with the coconut milk and lime juice. Pour into a large container and freeze. Serve with Martini or Malibu.
gair rhydd 09 06 03
16 • Features - Ball special
The morning after chill With exams over for many of us, there’s a lot of heavy nights ahead. In the interests of public health, Features gorges itself like Michael Winner for that life-saving hangover breakfast. OFF THE RAILS JACOB’S ANTIQUES (OFF TOP OF ST MARY’S ST) 02920 390939
A SHOT IN THE DARK 12 CITY RD 02920 472300 Free-range sausage & bacon with garlic mushroom paninis, with Fair Trade Coffee/Tea, £2.75
All day breakfast, £2.25 "with as much tea as you can get down your throat."
gair rhydd sponsors and all-round nice guys, A Shot in the Dark is now more famous for its BYO evenings, and opens ‘til 11. However, as a daytime venue, it offers far more atmosphere and better quality food and drinks than any other coffee house provides. Largely down to its independent status, it retains a welcoming, individual ambience and among its good - value fare, presents the finest cup of coffee in Cardiff. It’s great to have seen its popularity explode over the past year and it’s now regarded as one of the best places to catch up with friends. If only all coffee shops were like this, but er, then that’s exactly the point.
Another of Cardiff’s best kept secrets. If you haven’t been to the Antiques centre, just under the bridge, past The Old Monk, then, er, you haven’t lived. Home to a punk outfitters, record shop, assorted antiques and also the mighty Tails and the Unexpected, possibly the best place to solve your summer ball robe - related problems. Located upstairs, Off the Rails is a city centre stop, a little off the beaten track, perfect for a hearty, freshly cooked breakfast.
GREENHOUSE WOODVILLE RD 02920 235731 All day Vegetarian with homemade Glamorgan sausage, organic beans, mushrooms, spiced plantain, bubble and squeak, poached, fried, or scrambled eggs, toast, OJ and tea/coffee, £6.
All day breakfast roll, £2.20. A favourite of city-centre workers, pensioners and pigeons, this is alfresco café culture oldstyle. Though its location above the public toilets may put you off, don’t let it. This is a Cardiff institution even if they have fixed the subsidence. Generous portions for sit - down or passing trade provide a welcome fixture among all this new-fangled café lifestyle. Say hallo to gair rhydd’s own Charlotte on the handy adjacent ice-cream stand.
So you went out last night and are stuck with a throbbing headache? All right, so the people who tell you the best way to not get a hangover is not to drink. As if. A stomach that feels like a million roller coaster rides and a mouth that is so dry that your voice sounds like an old man’s. I checked out some of the most famous cures and people’s favourite remedies.
Special Breakfast, £2.70 Every student knows Ramon’s and there’s a reason for that. It’s because it’s the finest greasy spoon and the best morning after it’s possible to have. Virtually every hangover permutation is catered for at great value. Inside, smoking is positively mandatory, though a trip through its dark side-alley leads to an astonishing Zen garden. If the weather’s fine, sit amongst the Buddhist ornaments, whether you like Tibet, or even if you aren’t a gambling man. Sorry. I wish I was dead.
Scandalously under-looked. Don’t let the price put you off: it’s great value. All-day breakfast here, means that it’ll last you all day. At least. The quality of this seafood and vegetarian restaurant is such that really it deserves a full - blown review to itself. It’s very rare to find food of such quality in such a relaxed setting. Breakfast is only served on Sundays but you’d need a day of leisure for it anyway. Pancakes, seafood, great beers and a top quality wine list complete the menu.
HAYES ISLAND SNACKBAR THE HAYES 02920 394858
Hangover cures
RAMON’S SALISBURY RD 02920 230533
1
Wet dreams- think juicy thoughts. The water in juice rehydrates your body. The fructose it contains helps burn up the alcohol leaving you feeling just peachy.
2
Go out for dinner at an Italian restaurantItalians have learnt the secret of enjoying food without getting the heart disease through the use of extra virgin olive oil and lots of fresh ripe tomatoes. So while the wine gives you a hangover, dinner gives you the cure.
3
Eat your beans - rice, grains, cereals, peas and nuts too. They are all stuffed with vitamin B1, or Thiamine, which helps you metabolize the grog and stabilizes the nervous system.
4
Rose Oil - ease your headache with a drop of rose oil. Rubbing it on your templates dilates your capillaries and boosts the blood flow to your brain.
5
Or just stick with the good old Alka Seltzer. That is if you can keep it down.
Classifieds • 17
gair rhydd 09 06 03
Classifieds: Last of the year, so no form available: just shit jokes instead NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk. BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on ssufc1@cardiff.ac.uk Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk. POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union. AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk MATURE STUDENT OFFICER: Janine Jones on JonesJH@cardiff.ac.uk
ACCOMMODATION Room for summer: £220pcm July and August. Share with five postgrads. Newly furnished house. Call 20 483995. Email Bethan_R_Lewis@hotmail.com. HARRIET ST HOUSE FOR 5 FOR RENT All mod cons, plus new bathroom. £210 PCM inc water. Call Conor (ex Cardiff Student): 07787 506 946/ 023 8048 1944 ROOM AVAILABLE Moy Road near George pub. £200pcm. Open-minded female to share with 3 second year girls from Sept. Fran: 07734 433 388. fran1727@hotmail.com. Quality double room available. JulySeptember. £235 Lisvane St. Tele. Mazta 07791 515 761 / 02920 667 037.
EMPLOYMENT As usual, no employment classifieds this week. Perhaps a different approach is in order. How about any of you needing a job advertise yourself? For example, gair rhydd contributor seeks any employment going, preferably in the area of catering, bar work or porn. Has little experience and is of general scruffy appearance. Will blow for crack.
Don’t actually send any adverts of yourself in or you will actually have to pay. Sorry.
MISCELLANEOUS BIODANZA Weekly classes with Karen Woodley, Tuesdays 8-10pm at Chapter Arts Centre, Canton. Weekend workshops with Antoinette Lorraine, 14 June and 12 July, 1-6pm, Urdd Centre, Conway Road, Canton. Tel. Mary (02920) 318 833 That’s it for this week’s classifieds. Join us next time when Steve from Tesco wants to sell his grandmother and Andrea from Splott is looking to sell fifty grams of coke to the highest bidder. Joke time: Two men stranded in the desert without food/water come across three market stalls. Approaching the first, they ask for food. “I’m afraid I’ve only got custard,” says the man. Buying the custard and moving on, they ask similar of the second stall owner. “Sorry, lads, fruit cocktail is all I have to sell,” he answers. With the custard and fruit, they approach the final stall. “All I can offer you is cream,” responds the vender. Walking away from the market, one of the men says, “It’s so unusual to see stalls devoted to such strange foods.” “Yes,” replies the other, “it was a trifle bizarre.”
Little Johnny sees his daddy’s car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a “passionate embrace”. Little Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home to tell his mother excitedly. “MUMMYMUMMY! IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANADDADDYAND...” Mummy tells him to slow down; she wants to hear this story. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat...” At this point, Mummy cut Little Johnny off. “Johnny, this is such an interesting story! Why don’t you save it for supper time so that daddy can hear it as well?” Cut to the dinner table, and Mummy has asked Johnny to tell his story. He describes everything - the undressing, the laying down - in exactly the same way, before ending: “...and then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army.”
The TV Alex Self-Indulgence Corner: seeing as I haven’t been able to contribute to TV this week (except in spirit) due to prior academic commitments (fucking exams) and there’s space to fill here, I think I’ll just ramble on as per normal.
To the boy who sat at seat no. 332 in the 9am exam on Friday June 6 in Talybont and who left early: you’re fucking gorgeous, contact TV Alex asap.
Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.
Three-quarter length trousers: these suck. On boys, girls and munting aliens like Avril Lavigne. Don’t wear them, kids. I also kick ass at pool, John and Helen. Recommended: the new Dizzee Rascal single (UK garage meets electroclash), Thea Gilmore’s Rules For Jokers album, anything involving Beyoncé Knowles. Shout-outs to Vicky, Laura and Steph, my lovely housemates who’ve put up with erratic washing-up and prolonged, GRrelated absences for the past year; Amy and Steve, fellow TV legends/cult figures/weirdos; Our Editor Gemma, who really can’t be praised enough. Also to Nadia Petrova and Vera Zvonareva, the Russians who did me proud at the French Open. And farewell to my beloved, devoted fans! You can find me in da (Welsh) club, bottle full of Smirnoff Ice...
Sport
9 June 2003
Page 19
grsport@hotmail.com
Baa-baa’s full of Eastern promise James Cole reports SHORTLY BEFORE the Easter break, a team of current and former players from Cardiff University Men’s Rugby Club travelled to Hong Kong to compete in the 2003 Hong Kong 10s, the largest Rugby 10s tournament in the world. The tournament takes place at the prestigious Hong Kong Football Stadium and is a competition that attracts players and teams of the highest calibre. This year the tournament welcomed former All Blacks Jamie Joseph, Stephen Bachop and Mark Ellis. Also competing were a number of Welsh stars, notably Arwel Thomas (Swansea), Alex Popham (Leeds), Kevin James (Neath), and Junior Tonu’u (Newport). To prepare themselves for the highly physical and exhausting playing conditions they would encounter, the Cardiff squad trained regularly prior to the tournament under the guidance of their coach,
Adrian Evans. Thirteen of the fifteen-man ‘Cardiff University Barbarians’ squad are players who currently represent Cardiff University Men’s Rugby Club, with six of the squad being part of this years Varsitywinning team. The tour itself was organised solely by the players, and was led by tour-manager Paul Beale and team-captain James Cole. The 10-day event involved the boys not only competing in the 10s competition but also remaining in Hong Kong to watch the subsequent World 7s and enjoy Hong Kong’s carnival atmosphere. The 10s tournament proved to every bit as competitive as it had promised, however, the Cardiff University side performed admirably. The intense humidity and abrasive physicality of the matches proved a steep learning curve for the young side who, despite being the smallest and youngest team in the competition, reached the
quarter-final of the plate. Cardiff University Barbarians strung together a series of performances that impressed both the spectators and tournament organisers alike. Indeed, such was the level of respect earned by the side following their determined effort against the impressive New Zealand outfit, ‘The Clifford Chance Aliens’, tournament organiser Chris Helm invited Cardiff University Barbarians to return in 2004. Sponsorship permitting, the team hopes to fulfil this invitation and return to Hong Kong again next year to once again promote Cardiff University Rugby Club on the world rugby stage. Squad: Ben Lloyd, Huw Phillips, Toby Rigdon, Scott Walker, James Stokes, Connor McConchie, Rob Lawson, Ali Knott, Paul Beale, James Stein, Mark Heywood, Nigel Francis, Christopher Baxter, James Cole (captain), Tom Lambert, Dan Bowyer, Brian Kupfer.
The Hong Kong Football Stadium, venue for this year’s 10s event
Sport is looking up down-under Daniel Evans Feature
FOR YEARS now it has been a tradition – ritual beatings for the Brits at the hands of the sporting wizards of Oz. But last year English sport plunged to new depths with a loss to Australia at football, the sacred, national game. Even with an experimental side, the shock 3-1 defeat at St. Mary’s marked the ultimate humiliation for the country that has invented and exported so many sports around the globe. Sporting contests between the two nations reveal a repetitive tale of victory after victory for the men and women down under, but why is this so? The first reason lies within nature, for Australia has a considerably warmer and drier climate, allowing more frequent and prolonged periods in which Australians can play sports such as cricket and tennis. As an island in the South Pacific, with its major cities clustered along the East Coast, an outdoor lifestyle is both practical and encouraged. Australia’s dominance in male swimming comes as no surprise when one looks at the warmth and crystal clear waters of the Gold Coast. From a young age,
Australians surf and swim, becoming accustomed to an aquatic lifestyle which produces phenomenal talents such as Ian Thorpe, the free style world record holder at 100, 200 and 400m. Alongside other worldbeaters such as Grant Hackett and Michael Klim, Thorpe and co eclipse their British counterparts. But, it comes as no surprise that British swimmers are found lacking on the world stage when one considers the lack of funding and infrastructure for the sport here. There was only one Olympic length pool in the entire country until last year. An enviably successful sporting infrastructure is perhaps the most significant reason for Australian superiority.
Whereas the English 18county cricket scene provides a comfort zone for top players with little pressure on places, the Australian game is cut-throat by comparison. Six regional sides, playing ten matches, contest the Sheffield Shield in Australia’s elite cricket tier. It is survival of the fittest, breeding a culture of competition and motivation to be the best. This incessant pressure has created a talented pool of players with the confidence and mental toughness to tear down cricketing boundaries. With attacking flair the Australians have smashed all records - victories in the last two World Cups have sandwiched a steamrolling Test winning streak of 16 matches and 21 one-day international triumphs in a row.
Aussie sports fans celebrate yet another victory
Meanwhile, England cricketers hobble into the test arena after a gruelling schedule, to be taken to school by those of the baggy green cap. With a national population of just 20 million, Australia’s sporting exploits are even more impressive. Rugby League world champions since 1968 and Union champions in 1991 and 1999 on foreign shores highlight yet another arena in which the Aussies have outperformed the Brits. With the likes of media mogul Rupert Murdoch and Kerry Packer providing the cash injection, structure and spotlight, the Southern Hemisphere led the Northern into the professional era, in which traditional play was overwhelmed by ‘total rugby’. The Super 12 competition has provided an ultracompetitive stage for the top players, whilst domestic club rugby has continued to churn out talented youngsters to sustain quality. The Autumn internationals showed that British rugby is closing the gap but it has been slow on the uptake. Professional rugby players in this country continue to play too many games to retain the fitness and sharpness required at the top level Time after time the fruit of Australian labour has been talented sportsmen with mental strength that is unsurpassed.
Thorpedo, one of many Australian world-beaters Teams and individuals almost always perform on the biggest stage. For a comparison, take Tim Henman and Lleyton Hewitt. On the one hand, the 22year-old two-time major winner and world number 1 for the past two years. Talent obviously plays a large part in Hewitt’s success but his rise would not have been possible without mental determination and the ability to handle the pressure when it counts. Henman, though, has fallen at the semi-final stage of Wimbledon on four occasions, on a grass court tailor-made for his serve and volley game with thousands of partisan fans for support. There seems to be a willingness in this country to
settle for second best - an attitude that provides a home for the cliché, “it’s the taking part that counts”. In Australia it’s winning that counts, thanks to a mixture of factors that have bred battle-hardened sportsmen and women. Perhaps colonial history too has instilled an inferiority complex towards the ‘mother country’ and sport is the arena in which it can be exorcised through ritual ‘Pommie-bashing.’ As long as a sport is taken seriously, Australians usually succeed and Britain will do well to take heed of the many lessons to be learnt from a country that has overcome population size to dominate the globe in the realm of sport.
“Milligan, Cleese, Abbot... sessions”
gr sport looks back on the last year p.18
Why are the Aussies so good at sport? p.19
Riath Al-Samarrai 2003
Sport email grsport@hotmail.com
9 June 2003 - Issue 741
City toast Campbell cracker Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Writer of the Year In a season that has offered much, frustrated many, but finally delivered, Cardiff City have been promoted to Division One.
City’s play-off visit to the Millennium Stadium, though impossible to predict and very much deemed a lottery by all who take part, did have one certainty: that it would invariably change Cardiff City Football Club for good or bad. Be it the mass exodus of players not content to sit out another season in the lower
Promotion is sealed by Campbell’s late strike
echelons of league football, or simply begin the next chapter of Chairman Sam Hammam’s ambitious tale of a sleeping giant becoming a live and kicking monster club, transformation was imminent. The extra-time winner by Andy Campbell ensured that it was the latter that prevailed, and the potentially disastrous former is a thought that manager Lennie Lawrence will be more than willing to place at the back of his mind. Dogged but not deterred, the former Middlesborough boss fought on regardless, and the highs of an early title push and lows of settling for a play-off berth when automatic promotion seemed a certainty, will justly earn this season’s struggle a place in local folklore. Revelling in the adulation when Ninian Park was an impregnable fortress, and ignoring the calls for his head when the walls came falling down, Lawrence’s cool composure on one of the hottest seats in management was an asset to a club driven by ambition.
Bluebirds fans celebrate as Andy Campbell is mobbed by his teammates Such confidence and serenity has created the Bluebirds’ winning attitude. And despite a mutiny from many of the fans who boarded the City bandwagon, but alighted when the road got bumpy, the core of
belief allowed them to buy a ticket, play the lottery and forget last year’s play-off disappointment. There Stoke City plucked away Cardiff’s hopes of promotion at the semi-final
stage, but when Campbell lobbed QPR’s Chris Day in the dying stages of a final ruled by passion rather than skill, it not only exorcised those demons but kept the Bluebird fairytale alive.
Wolves are savage and Cherries blossom David Williams reports Dave Jones’ Wolves side laid to rest their play-off ghost as they produced an emphatic 3-0 win over Sheffield United at the Millennium Stadium. Their supporters’ 19 year wait for a return to top-flight football was ended thanks to goals from Mark Kennedy, Cardiff-born Nathan Blake and Kenny Miller. Unlike so many first division play-off finals, this one was done and dusted before half-time. Former Liverpool player Kennedy ran
Wolves end 19-year wait
on to a cross field pass unmarked and fired home from just outside the area sending the fans into ecstasy. Less than twenty minutes later, former Cardiff City striker Blake made it 2-0 with a glancing header from a Kennedy corner. And on the stroke of half-time, Miller flicked in a right-wing cross to seal the win. The Blades’ fortunes were made worse as manager Neil Warnock was sent from the bench for the second-half after appealing against the dismissal of a clear-cut penalty appeal.
The Sheffield club were unlucky not to get back into the game in the second-half as midfielder Michael Brown’s first penalty was saved by man of the match Matt Murray. Then Michael Tonge’s free-kick was put over the crossbar by Robert Page after hitting the post. After so many near misses in the last ten years, Wolves had gained the tag of nearly men and the funds pumped into the club by chairman Sir Jack Hayward looked, up until this season, to have been for nothing. Indeed, this season is almost the exact replica of last year when bitter Black country rivals West Brom made up an impossible deficit in the last few weeks of the first division campaign to gain promotion and condemn the men from Molineux to another season of failure. Whether Wolves will be able to stay in the top flight is difficult to predict, but that will be the last thing on Dave Jones and his players’ minds as they prepare for life in the Premiership.
Bournemouth clinched a place in the second division at their first attempt following a 5-2 hammering of Lincoln. Having been relegated to division three last season, Sean O’Driscoll’s side proved to have the energy left after nearly fifty league matches to secure the fourth promotion place alongside Rushden and Diamonds, Hartlepool and Wrexham. The result, however, was in doubt after Ben Futcher had equalised Bournemouth legend Steve Fletcher’s superb volley. At that moment, it was the Imps from Sincil Bank who were looking the more dangerous of the two sides, playing with a more attacking system infront of the 32,000 crowd. But crucially, just before the break, Cherries captain Carl Fletcher was left unmarked on the six yard box to head in and change the complexion of the match. Lincoln’s luck was dealt another blow as a superb counter attack involving
James Hayter and Wade Elliott set up Stephen Purches to lash the ball past the hapless keeper. The fourth came not long after as Garreth O’Connor ran onto a Steve Fletcher flick-on to slide the ball into the net and all but confirm Lincoln’s fate. They did get one back from Mark Bailey but just over a minute later, captain Fletcher glanced in a second for him and a record breaking fifth for Bournemouth to seal an
excellent second-half performance. It was a fitting end to a campaign which could have been manager O’Driscoll’s last as his side were near the foot of the table and his future was severely in doubt. But, despite the tight finish to division three, the seasiders saved their best form for the last few months which owed a lot to the first scorer Steve Fletcher, whose eleventh season at the club has proved to be a successful one.
Carl Fletcher celebrates, not the one from DreamTeam
GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT WEST COUNTRY PUBLICATIONS, PLYMOUTH ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ✥✮✪✯✹ ■ ARAB BREACHES WOLVES SECURITY■TRISTAN’S BROTHER SUCKED TONY ADAMS’ COCK■ENCAP IS FUNDAMENTALLY CORRUPT■GR SPORT SAY BYE TO DAN, AND FUCK OFF TO FASHION EDITOR TRISTAN■GEMMA U WILL BE MISSED■PENFOLD IS A KNOB JOCKEY
Sport
January 20 2002
Cardiff Baa baas return from Asia
Page 19
Divisional play-off round up
Page 18
Issue 741. 9th June 2003 Sport Editors: David Williams, Riath Al-Samarrai, Daniel Evans. Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net
9 May 2003
It’s only 2002-03 but I like it In time honoured tradition, paying full tribute to the lack of originality that saturates the pages of our esteemed student rag, gr sport will stray away from the unknown, untouched, and review the sporting year. University and national sport have seen reputations that have been formed over decades destroyed in days, and national embarrassments become legends overnight. But while both our student and national sporting heroes have enjoyed the cheers and adulation of victory, in equal measure they have suffered the tears and despair of defeat. Now Riath Al-Samarrai brings you the highs and lows of the sporting season, experiencing every triumph, disappointment, bubble of champagne and sob of sorrow. SEPTEMBER 2002 Rob Howley despondently walking out on Cardiff Rugby Club marked what would be the start of a bad year for Welsh rugby, and the latest brick to be removed from an already crumbling empire. Meanwhile football is enjoying pride of place in the hearts of Welsh fans, who are becoming increasingly frustrated by
DECEMBER 2002 Cardiff University continue to show their diversity over a range of sports when the male korfball side reach the semifinal of the South of England Championship. Carbs A become the first side to
their lack of success with the oval ball. The Celtic League heaps more suffering onto the already battle-tired Welsh, as Swansea, Newport and Bridgend, all go down to rival opposition. The pain is compounded, and the boot literally put in, as Wales kick start their European Championship charge with an impressive 2-0 victory away to Finland in Helsinki.
qualify for the IMG Premiership. Meanwhile, Lloyd Scott, the man who chose to “run” the London Marathon in a 120 lbs diving suit, taking just over five days, wins gair rhydd’s Sports Personality of the Year competition.
OCTOBER 2002 Europe reclaim the Ryder Cup at the Belfry, with help from Welshman Phillip Price, whose singles victory over Phil Mickelson sets up the European charge. Elsewhere, gair rhydd Sport interview Glamorgan cricket captain, Steve James, who predicts bright times ahead for the sport in the Principality. The days of jolly Welshmen singing “Sospan fach” with pride and passion are numbered, as the
aisles of rugby stadiums around the country are being filled with groans of discontent and despair. Whilst Welsh rugby endures some of its toughest times to date, with all five of Wales’ competitors crashing out of the Heineken Cup, football fans are cheering louder than ever as the national side play out a superb victory in the Euro qualifying clash with Italy. The university sports calendar finally gets under way after weatherdelayed start.
NOVEMBER 2002 Cardiff City top Nationwide League Division Two, but all the headlines are being made by Team Bath, who become the first university side to reach the FA Cup first round proper, with a penalty shoot-out victory over Horsham. Cardiff AFC II carry on their impressive start to the season with a fantastic win againstTop of the league Aberystwyth. In the IMG things are heating up as the race for places in the top flight nears a climax. FC Real smash 13 past hapless Sawsa
Best. European player of the year age 22, World at his feet. All he has now is his liver in a jar by his bed. Page 25
Darren Campbell
IMG and BUSA
ALL the Results from our legion of sporting stars in waiting. Pages 28 and 27
uebird Watch
Riath Al-Samarrai, Sports Editor
the ideal fortress for Lawrence and his troops to do battle. Following on from an embarrassing 1-0 defeat away to Blackpool a fortnight ago, Lawrence rallied his men, calling for goals in the next home match against Tranmere Rovers to get back on track. City dominated the encounter from the start both on and off the field, with the Grange End Terrace vocal as always, leaving the sparsely spread travelling support to offer little more than a couple of dull murmurs to the mighty Welsh roars. The immense atmosphere generated by Cardiff’s small but cosy, dated but antique Ninian Park stadium is priceless for its intimate and intimidating qualities. On the pitch, Rovers, once hopeful of Premiership football back in the days of
the legendary John Aldridge, served up as little resistance as their loyal but depleted handful of fans. The squad built by Sam Hamman’s millions has the strength and ability to break down even the most resolute of defences. Tranmere felt the full brunt of such strength on their visit to Ninian Park. Cardiff dominated the opening exchanges and got the goal that their possession deserved after half an hour. Peter Thorne, playing a league below his ability as are many of the City squad, blasted his close range shot past John Achterberg in the visitor’s goal after his initial effort came back off a post. The Bluebirds then doubled their lead on the stroke of half time through an Earnshaw penalty, harshly awarded after Tranmere captain Micky Mellon was adjudged to have handled the ball in the area.
FC, whilst this year’s whipping
Sport boys, Christian Union get a beating of email gsport@hotmail.com
Uni side reach FA Cup proper
PHOTO: GR ARCHIVES
rnshaw is upstaging ever other big name player at the club
rdiff City’s recent run of od form has seen them take pole position in the e for Division One tball next season, and in ng so have restored lost de to the capital lowing last summer’s y-off heartbreak. This time round Bluebirds nager Lennie Lawrence is ermined to avoid the ery of a play-off, and with current crop of players he eves they can go up as mpions. With the depth of squad t we have here, there is no y we shouldn’t be ntending the title," and in hing for the accolade he is y aware of what is needed, r home form has to be nsistent first and foremost" And with victory in all of last six home games, ian Park is fast becoming
gair rhydd
Tells us why he won’t run for Wales. Page 24
November 2002 - Issue 730
Team Bath have reached the first round proper of the FA Cup with a penalty shootout victory over Horsham, and in doing so become the first student team to qualify in 122 years. The students were level at 1-1 after extra-time in the home replay of their fourth qualifying round tie in front of 1,581 fans, before their tie went into its exciting climax. They went on to take the shoot-out 4-2, and go on to face Mansfield, currently struggling at the foot of the 2nd division. Their progress to the first round of the FA Cup has already given the world's oldest knockout competition a romantic glow. No student team has played in the FA Cup first round since Oxford University and Cambridge University took part in the 1879/ 1880 season. Team Bath has become a refuge for players unable to make the grade in the professional game. They are all enrolled on full-time sports science courses at Bath University, but combine their studies with a tough training schedule. "Clearly many professional footballers have never had the opportunity to go to university if they didn't have the
qualifications, so th programme is specially designe for them," explains Team Bat manager Ged Roddy. A typical day starts wit training at 8.30am for couple of hours, befor lectures begin at 11. The player's academi work continues until 2.30pm or three o'clock, when the come back for their secon training session of the day. "It is not such a cush number," Roddy said. "Whil the pros are resting up, ou players are having to wor pretty hard mentally." Their success howeve comes as no surprise whe looking at Bath University other sporting achievements with almost 300 elit competitors across 13 sports ranging from badminton t triathlon. Bath University boasted 4 representatives at th Manchester Commonwealt Games, collecting a whoppin 17 medals to add to the gold silver and bronze won b Stephanie Cook, Kate Howe and Kate Allenby - all from the Bath stable - in the Sydne Olympics. With that level o excellence to live up to th 5000/1 odds offered for Team Bath to be parading the FA Cup around the Millennium Stadium next May don’t loo
Earnshaw added composure to his repertoire of attributes by coolly stepping up and sending the keeper the wrong way from the spot. After the break Tranmere threw little back at Cardiff, not even bright young spark Ryan Taylor, an England Under-18 International, could light any fires in the home side’s back line. Ten minutes from time Thorne bagged his second of the evening in a move that embodied Cardiff City football 1 CARDIFF CITY 17 16 37 under Lennie Lawrence. 2 Oldham Athletic 17 20 36 Great control and vision by 3 Wigan Athletic 17 17 35 man-of-the-match Graham 4 Bristol City 16 16 33 Kavanagh played in Earnshaw 5 QPR 17 11 29 whose timely lay off gave 6 Brentford 17 5 29 substitute Chris Barker the 7 Crewe Alexandra 17 9 28 space to pick-out Thorne with 8 Blackpool 17 2 27 a pin-point cross, and the 9 Chesterfield 17 -3 27 move was amply finished by a 10 Luton Town 17 1 25 bullet header across the goal 11 Tranmere Rovers 17 -11 23 by the former Stoke City man. Moments later Rhys Weston Surprisingly, Cardiff have scored few goals despite their success nailed the fourth and final nail
biblical proportions against Planderlecht. Wales continue their Mark Hughes inspired resurgence by defeating Azerbaijan 2-0 in Baku and the World Rally Championship speeds into Wales. Attention is focused on Men’s AFC II, as under controversial leader Chris Trout they appear to be heading for promotion. Elsewhere, Pharmacy netball team appear to be the surprise package of IMG, maintaining their 100% record.
GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT WEST COUNTRY PUBLICATIONS, LYMOUTH ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHIDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY UDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ AKRAM AND PORN. THATS A POTENT RIGHT ARM ACTION■ GAIR RHYDD REPORTER IN CAMPBELL FISTY CUFFS SHOCKER ■ PEARLO, WATHAN, BLADON, HASS. THE NEW ERA WONT FORGET YOU
JANUARY 2003 David Moffett takes up the unenviable role of WRU chief executive, charged with the task of salvaging the dying spirit of Welsh rugby. Raymond Van Barneveld fires down all before him en route to a third World Darts Championship. Keeping with the mini-arrows, Bobby George romps away to victory in the gair rhydd Top Five Bobby’s contest,
because he prefers playing darts to having sex with his wife. Cardiff City see their FA Cup fairytale become a nightmare as they crash out of the competition 3-0 to Coventry City. FC Real become the only football team to complete the IMG preliminary fixtures with a 100% record, but the feat is replicated by Economics, Psychology and the impressive Pharmacy teams in the netball competition.
IMG a d BUSA
Simo Jo es
Post-match reaction from the triumphant Cardiff Varsity squad. Page 27
gr sport talk to the England and Glamorgan paceman. Page 24
MARCH 2003 Cardiff University Rugby Club are crowned Varsity champions for the first time with a late try from fly-half Chris Baxter. AFC III crash out of the BUSA knockout against rivals Gloucester, whilst the IMG Barbarians defeat Swansea University as part of the Varsity Shield. Welsh rugby falls further We into disarray with the Six Nations wooden spoon and a structural shake-up is confirmed. Carbs A’s late surge steals the IMG netball title. Cardiff Uni’s golfers make
Championships. Hampshire County Cricketer James Tomlinson collects Sportsman of the year at the annual Athletic Union awards. Colin Jackson declares his full retirement from athletics whilst Australia retain the Cricket World Cup. Accountancy’s year of superb champions form sees them crowned champions of IMG football, and Christian Union are crucified in their debut season. The Dancesport team waltz to victory at the National Championships. PHOTO: Tim Alban
A jubilant Cardiff squad celebrate their fine victory
Varsity Report
are the
Daniel Evans, Sports Editor
Cardiff 19 Swansea 12
A LAST-GASP try saw Cardiff wrestle the Varsity trophy away from local rivals Swansea for the first time in history. A 3000-strong crowd travelled to Bridgend’s Brewery Field ground to witness a dramatic and historic game that finished 19-12. Cardiff captain Alex Luff was ecstatic with his side’s performance. “From a captain’s point of view I can’t ask any more from my boys. We took them on at scrums and line-outs and the platform our forward dominance achieved enabled our back line to play some flowing rugby,” he said. “When we were going forward we looked very good and Swansea didn’t really have an answer. Then again we had a very organised defence too.”
gair rhydd
Sport it to the last eight of the BUSA email gsport@hotmail.com
3 March 2003 - Issue 736
The match started in ominously familiar fashion after early Cardiff pressure, Swansea advanced, winning a penalty in a dangerous position. Wanting to make an early impact, captain Sam Rees decided to kick for a line out and the ensuing rolling maul saw prop Olly Davies open the scoring in the corner. The next 20 minutes was a tale of infringements by Cardiff, allowing the Jacks to retain possession for long periods of concerted pressure. Tight defence kept the score unchanged and nearing half-time Luff’s side started to settle down and play some penetrative rugby. A catch and drive was thwarted on the Swansea line, forcing the ball to be shifted to the backs. A delicate grubber kick from fly-half Chris Baxter turned the
opposition, allowing winger Griff Jones to chase and pounce for a deserved try. Even though he pulled the conversion wide, Cardiff were in the ascendancy going into the break at 5-5. Surviving early second half pressure, breaks from first Swansea winger Gareth Wright then full back Nick Jones shook Cardiff and a failure to regroup left the Varsity holders with an overlap whichWright punished. A superb conversion from Jones built up a 12-5 lead. This setback fired up the Cardiff pack whom after years of heartache, proceeded to produce a truly inspired performance. They were dominant from then on, turning over possession consistently whilst cutting out the indiscipline of the first half. Fierce tackling and
aggressive defence drove Swansea backwards forcing several errors. From a ruck in front of the posts, substitute scrum-half Rob Lawson made the breakthrough. Noticing a gap in the defence, he picked up and
Interviews. p. 27
burrowed his way through to the line. Some indifferent place kicking from Griff Jones had seen him replaced by Baxter, who made no mistake with the simple conversion to level at 12-12. As the crowd raised the noise level, Luff sensed victory and cranked up his players for one final effort. Swansea’s traditional incisive attacks had been replaced by static play and forced retreat. A turnover by Cardiff set winger Liam Roberts free on the left. Having breezed past two players, his 50 metre run was stopped by Jones at fullback. In similar fashion, replacement centre Rich Davies also cut through the Swansea defence. Delicately poised with just two minutes left, Cardiff went for the jugular by refusing three points and kicking a penalty for a five metre lineout. It was won cleanly and
set the ball up for a final surg on the Jacks’ line. Swift interplay in the midfiel between Baxter and centre Nic Monahon created a gap fo Baxter to raise the roof b scoring under the posts. H conversion made it 19-12. In a flashback to Swansea’ late comeback in 2001, th faithful Cardiff fans had t endure several waves o pressure before Luff and hi forwards hustled them int yet another turnover and long awaited victory. Although instrumental i Cardiff’s clinical back line winning try scorer Chris Baxte praised the forwards fo setting up the victory. “In the forwards we beat them up and then spun it wide an scored decent tries,” he said. He also applauded th passionate travelling fans: “The crowd was awesome an the atmosphere was immense You could hardly hear yourse speak out there.”
GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT WEST CUNTRY PUBLICATIONS, PLYMOUTH ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHElRS ■ THE GAY RIDE IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ TROUTY HAS CHILD PORN■ GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM ■TRISTAN SQUEALS LIKE A GIRL AS HE IS BEATEN TO THE GROUND IN GR SPORT RUMBLE■WE HATE SLOPPY COPY
FEBRUARY 2003 Varsity fever has descended upon the University once again, and Cardiff are looking to record their first victory in the clash’s seven year history. Uni skier Tom Brown returns home from the 2003 Anglo-Swiss University Race where he represented the British Universities team. Cardiff City appear to be in free-fall as their miserable run of form continues to hamper their early promotion bid. Men’s AFC III follow in the foot steps of the second string, and excellent back-toback victories against Glamorgan and
Swansea, sets them in a fine position to achieve promotion. Welsh footballers continue to confound even the most optimistic and passionate fans, as they set a new national record of nine straight games without defeat with a 2-2 draw against Bosnia. Mark Hughes tells gair rhydd readers not to book tickets to Portugal for the European Championships in 2004 just yet, but to dust off your passports just in case. Pharmacy continue to set the pace in netball. A record eight players are selected from Cardiff University to make up the Welsh University Cricket Centre of Excellence.
MAY 2003 Mark Williams wins his second Embassy World Snooker title and Swansea City escape relegation. Across the border Manchester United hold off the challenge of Arsenal to secure a n o t h e r Premiership title. Cardiff University
netballers round off a successful sporting year by winning the Welsh Cup Bangor. Thierry Henry wins gair rhydd’s clash of the striker titans, whilst we preview the Champions League final, and the conclusion of another sporting year.