gair rhydd - Issue 742

rhydd

gair

EST. 1972

INSIDE

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

Press Gangs MEDIA p.10

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

Atomic Kitten top a host of acts visiting Cardiff before Christmas. Get There investigates

TIME BOMB CARDIFF LANDLORDS have been slammed by Trading Standards for providing an atrocious standard of accommodation to students.

Fears that many student houses are unfit to live in were re-ignited after a survey by the public body uncovered

a catalogue of disasters.

It s only a matter of time before these houses become death-traps.

Checks in the local area on upholstered furniture, gas and electrical appliances found an alarming 64% of properties had at least one failing item.

This comes as a worry to students who are preparing to move into rented accommodation for the start of the academic year.

And with more letting agencies in the student village than ever before, Trading Standards worry the problem is spiralling out of control.

Lee Jones of Cardiff Trading Standards urged students to check their accommodation is safe before they sign their contract and move in, saying:

Unsafe

“In a shared house especially a fire could be disastrous”

"Just because accommodation is cheap, it shouldn t be unsafe. The consequences of non-compliant furniture especially in a shared house, could be disastrous if there was a fire".

Mr Jones explained Cardiff Trading Standards (CTS) receive many com-

GET THERE p.21

Why Cardiff is knots ahead of the rest Turn to page 3 for a full explanation of the wonders Cardiff University has to offer

Student housing isn’t up to scratch say Trading Standards

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor

FREE

Pussy Galore

gair rhydd Media reviews the history of student newspapers.

EXCLUSIVE

ISSUE 742. FRESHERS 2003

Cardiff University Sailing Club at the Laser 2 Nationals in Torquay this summer plaints from tenant s parents after their son or daughter has vacated the property, which is too late.

"Students need to notify us of problems as soon as possible so we can inspect the premises and put pressure on landlords to rectify the situation.

It is a criminal offence to supply items such as flammable sofas and faulty electrical items to tenants and

the CTS fear their findings are just the tip of the iceberg, with many more properties putting student s lives in danger.

Criminal Getting on the wrong side of landlords is a worry to tenants everywhere, but it is possible to by-pass them in the initial stages. Trading Standards can deal directly with ten-

ant complaints, seizing items they believe to pose a severe risk.

Mr Jones advised tenants to check upholstered furniture such as sofas for the carelessness causes fire label sewn under seat cushions. Other caution labels are likely to be out of date and not comply with modern safety legislation.

Story continued on Page 2

News

Page 4

September 1 2003

gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

News In Brief Anna Hodgekiss

Policeman killed on North Road A POLICEMAN was killed after chasing a burglar who stole £30 from the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama.

PC Andrew James was pursuing heroin addict Martin Harris along North Road when he was hit by a passing motorist.

Cardiff Magistrates Court heard how Harris broke in through fire doors at the college before fleeing across the main city centre road when PC James appeared. He leaves behind a wife and two daughters.

Rugby linked to domestic violence RUGBY DAYS increase the number of wife-beatings up to eight times, a report has revealed.

Rhondda Cynon Taf police found whenever there was a Welsh international rugby match, violence towards women doubled, when Wales lost it quadrupled and when Wales lost to England it multiplied by eight.

The findings have raised serious concerns about the effects of alcohol abuse on match days, with South West Wales Liberal Democrats AM Peter Black saying: "In terms of rugby games it does seem that most alcohol-related violence takes place away from the ground, either in town-centre pubs or in domestic situations."

But the Welsh Rugby Union has hit back at the claims, questioning whether the offences were directly related to rugby matches.

Text please

SMS message will make or break future

By John Collingridge News Ed A-LEVEL STUDENTS may soon receive confirmation of their university places by text message.

De Montfort University has pioneered a system where selected students are sent an SMS to secure their place.

In a pilot scheme conducted on prospective students, a group of applicants for courses at its Bedford and Leicester campuses were sent the messages.

DMU marketing manager Heidi King said, "We recently conducted a pilot message to prospective students to visit our open day. The message was well received and now we are taking the idea further."

Traditionally students collect their results from their sixth form or furthereducation college and then ring the university to check if they have secured a place.

Instead of waiting for the crucial phone call, De Montfort claim that the instant solution lies in the text message.

Cardiff however has no plans to introduce the scheme in the near future.

A text message to decide your future? DeMontfort think so...

Looney tunes

By Anna Hodgekiss News Ed BORED SWIMMERS inclined to quit after six laps will soon have some underwater entertainment.

A South Wales student has developed a revolutionary pair of goggles called Soundwaves which play music in the pool.

Sam James of Llandaff, Cardiff, came up with the idea for a clip-on underwater MP3 player during his final year at Brunel University.

The goggles use devices called actuators which enable the skull to become a speaker and beam the music

straight into the head, even when fully immersed in water.

Mr James, 22, said: "We all know that swimming can be quite tediousswimming up and down can become monotonous, but with the device it ll hopefully become a lot more enjoyable."

He has since won an AOL Broadband Innovator Award of £1,000 for the invention and hopes the musical goggles will soon hit the shelves.

"The award money means Soundwaves is one step closer to the shops and my ambition is to be a regular feature at your local pool in a few year s time".

Top-Up fees for Wales?

By Peter Bramwell News Ed TOP-UP FEES look like a reality for Welsh universities unless other funding is found, the Welsh Assembly Government admitted this summer.

If Wales is to introduce its own system of funding for Higher Education and scrap Westminster s plans for topup fees, it will have to find the money from existing budgets.

The re-elected Labour Government faces a big dilemma. It either submits to the UK Government s plans and allows universities to charge up to

Quotes of the Week

£3,000, or follows its own more leftwing ideology to reduce the financial burden on students.

The Welsh Assembly has already admitted that it will definitely not axe the existing system of tuition fees, but there are fears that scrapping top-up fees will reduce funding elsewhere.

Welsh Liberal Democrat Assembly leader, Mike German, argued Wales would face a bill of £110m to cover the income gap for universities if top-up fees are abolished in Wales after 2007.

"This is an abject failure by Welsh Labour to negotiate with English Labour. Peter Hain s Government colleagues are abandoning Wales to find this money for itself.

WANTED

“I’m meant to be the bloke who walks around looking like he’s going to club a baby seal”

Photo Caption/speech bubble Competition Readers are invited to guess what was said when the Blairs went on holiday.

This week s prize is tickets to see Meatloaf live in Cardiff

John Prescott: voice of a tramp, face of a tramp

“Some of my friends who are still virgins look at me as an old pro” Charlotte Church: Voice of an angel, mouth of a tramp

redundant anti-war protestors jump on another bandwagon This week’s lucky winner is Elton John from England

Answers on a postcard to the gr office (4th floor of the Union), or e-mail entries to ssugr1@cf.ac.uk. All entries must include a phone number and address.

News

September 1 2003

Page 5

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Bluebirds to fly nest

Cardiff City edge closer to new 30,000 stadium in nearby Leckwith

Ask the audience

By Andy Hunt Reporter CARDIFF’S OPTOMETRY department is embracing the 21st century, thanks to a new university investment scheme. £50,000 has been spent to give students new Who Wants To Be A Millionaire style keypads with which they can respond to lecturer s questions.

The keypads will allow assessment on both an individual and group basis to be carried out with far greater ease and efficiency.

The Schools of Architecture and Social Sciences are among the others who will benefit from the University Year of Assessment strategy.

Also on trial in the scheme is connection to the Joint Information Services Committee National Plagiarism Service, reducing the possibility of cheating.

Chris Tarrant: the man Cardiff lecturers want to be

By John Collingridge News Ed CARDIFF CITY FC has unveiled plans for a new £72m stadium.

Sam Hammam’s ambitious plans for the development of a new arena follows quick on the heels of the Bluebird’s rise to the First Division.

Set to be approved by Cardiff Council s planning committee, its development will take place just metres from Ninian Park on the site of the current Cardiff Athletic Stadium in Leckwith.

The stadium will begin with a 30,000 capacity, set to increase to 60,000 if Hammam s dream of reaching the Premiership materialises.

The scheme also promises a 154 bedroom hotel, health club, shopping complex and athletics facilites. The plans are set to go before the National Assembly following recommendation by the council.

Features such as a petrol station, all weather pitch, and enlarged parking facilities all add to the appeal.

Former City legend Brian Clarke was realistic about the proposals: I ve got great memories of playing in and watching games at Ninian, but the ground isn t capable of staging top-flight football and has had its day.

If successful, the move to the stadium could be as soon as the start of the

lives a misery.

One fan quick to challenge concerns said: It seems as if one or two

“Ninian Park has had its day” misguided local councillors have expressed concern over the retailing attached to the new ground plans. This

Leckwith Road’s proposed ground

Ninian Park could be relegated to fond memories as Sam Hammam aims for Premiership football

By Andy Hunt Reporter

By Anna Hodgekiss News Edior

The penniless graduate heads home...tail between his legs

has not been helped by Rhodri Morgan chipping in with some stupid comments.

Sam says that if Premiership football is to be achieved then a minimum of £100 million a year will be put into the local economy.

Brian Clarke

Skint students sent packing

5-second pints to hit pubs QUEUING AT the bar could soon be a thing of the past thanks to a new device which pours pints in only five seconds.

Fast dispense technology enables bar staff to serve 10 pints in under a minute, a move welcomed by thirsty punters.

Trials are currently underway with Carling lager after its brewery Coors teamed up with dispense specialists IMI Cornelius.

A spokeswoman for the brewery was unable to confirm yet whether the trials had been a success, but pubs and bars where speedy service is crucial are expected to implement the device if it is rolled out nation wide.

Rob Hayward of the British Beer and Pub Association said: "It is an innovation which customers will welcome. They expect a good and quick service, and this development will hopefully contribute towards that."

And Cardiff? It goes without saying that any self-respecting student would welcome an express beer service in the Student s Union.

2005/06 season.

Vince Alm, chairman of Cardiff City Supporters Club spoke enthusiastically of the plans: I m ecstatic that we ve moved another step forward. The stadium would be great news for the whole city and for Welsh football.

However the plans have not been met with equal delight by some councillors and local residents. Helen Jeffries claimed the stadium will kill the community and make residents

A NATIONAL POLL of students carried out by NatWest has revealed that two thirds of all students move home after graduation.

The increasing cost of a degree, now believed to be a staggering £20,000, is seen to be the main cause for people being forced to make the return trip.

Another consequence of this rise is that a third of students are choosing local colleges and universities in order to remain at home and trim their out-goings.

Even more significant is the news that those students who seek part-time employment in order to alleviate money problems could be seriously risking their academic performance.

The survey claims that 43% of those in part-time employment have missed lectures as a result, whilst 18% admitted that such issues had prompted them to consider dropping out altogether.

Head of student and graduate banking at NatWest, Ann Marie

Blake, said: Their anticipated costings for university life, although high, are on the right side of caution.

It isn t all doom and gloom though, as Blake added that although debt figures look scary, most graduates do not regret the experience and see it as a worthwhile investment.

661 Sixth-formers, 1318 Undergraduates and 500 Graduates participated in the survey.

Meanwhile, another survey reported in the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine has found a science degree could be the key to a longer life.

Research into mortality rates discovered arts students are 60% more likely to die early than those studying for a BSc. Engineers have the longest life expectancy while medical students are ironically most at risk of suffering an alcohol-related death.

The survey tracked the lives of over 8,000 graduates of Glasgow University who attended between 1948 and 1968.

email grnews@cf.ac.uk

Liquid blues for teenager

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor A CARDIFF teenager had four arteries severed after a vicious bottle attack in the city’s Liquid nightclub.

The fight began between the victim and four men in the R&B room. After being knocked down a flight of stairs a bottle was thrown at his face, causing a severe laceration and the damage to his arteries.

The teenager was taken to the University Hospital of Wales where the arteries were clamped by doctors and his face bandaged.

Staff at the club have been praised by Cardiff police for their quick-thinking actions at the scene. Two teenagers have been arrested in connection with the attack.

GOT A STORY?

Phone GR Newsdesk

02920 781495

News

Page 6

September 1 2003

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Thumbs down to top-up fees NUS gear up for National Demonstration against fees

By Emma Bebington

Communication Officer

This year’s ‘National Demonstration against tuition fees and student debt’ has been set in stone for the 26th October.

The march is largely in reaction to a Government White Paper, The Future of Higher Education , presented to Parliament last January. The paper includes a proposed increase of tuition fees from £1100 to £3000 a year, which could leave some students with debts of up to £25,000 on graduating from University.

The National Union of Students (NUS) argues that it will be those from the poorest backgrounds who would

suffer most from these changes. There has already been a decline in growth of the number of students from the poorest backgrounds applying to University between 1996 and 2001 the number applying for medicine halved.

The event will be held on a Sunday in an attempt to gain support from more school children and people in full-time employment.

Cardiff University Union President Finnbarr Graham explained; "It is important that people see how the decisions the government is making will affect everyone in the future. Not just those who are students now."

The White Paper claims money raised by tuition fees is required for reinvestment back into Universities. Past

Last year the demo was the main story for every news programme

performance however, suggests the government will take another tack. Of the £400 million raised by tuition fees so far, all has been spent outside of the University sector.

There is growing concern that the Government is merely cutting down the amount of money it puts into Universities and replacing it with cash raised by tuition fees.

First Minister for Wales, Rhodri Morgan, has hinted that he would rule out tuition fees in Wales if he were given the power to do so. But this would do nothing to protect students studying in England. It is also questionable to what extent, without parliamentary support, the Welsh Assembly could afford to rule out tuition fees alone.

The timing of the march is therefore crucial in putting pressure on the National Assembly, Parliament and the Scottish Executive to make the right decisions.

Cardiff Students Union will be arranging transport to the National Demonstration. If you would like more information then please fill out the following form, pop it in the ballot box in the Union reception or send it to Emma Bebington, Communications and Community Officer, Cardiff Students Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN. Alternatively email bebingtone@cf.ac.uk for more information.

Mandy Telford addresses last year’s demo

NUS DEMO 2003 I would like to go to the NUS National Demonstration, please send me more information.

Name ....................................

Email address.........................

Mobile Number........................

Year of study...........................

Pop this form in the ballot box on the Union reception or alternatively email bebingtone@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd Get involved with our award winning paper and receive ◗ Vital experience on indus-

try standard technology ◗ A reference valued by employers ◗ A portfolio compiled by us ◗ Expenses covered by us ◗ Certification to prove your hard work ◗ Loads of free goodies It costs nothing to join, simply come to our Freshers fair stall or email ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

In preparation for the launch of our new magazine gair rhydd is recruiting new section editors.

Email ssugr1@cf.ac.uk for more info.

Editorial & Opinion

September 1 2003

Page 7

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gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

By Tristan Thomas . gair rhydd Editor

C

lichés and students go hand in hand.

And ‘Freshers’ is perhaps the daddy of them all, a byword for debauchery, revelry and the release that most students feel when they finally escape family life.

In a few weeks, as 6000 new students descend on the Students Union, the vomit stained toilets will testify to the sentiment that many first years are having the time of their lives.

But this is only a snap shop of what being a student is all about, and one that is hardly representative of what Cardiff offers. If you remember one piece of advice from this Freshers issue of the gair

rhydd Student diets EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

rhydd remember this University life is so remarkably diverse that you will always find a niche that suits you. Getting trolleyed is one such past time, the Chess society is another.

The Union promote itself on having one of the best student clubs around, but it also has societies and sports clubs to rival any in the UK In the first few weeks of University you will be bombarded by opportunities from scarily eager volunteers trying to recruit you to their club or society. Choose what suits you and you’ll meet likeminded people quickly.

And this of course, is where I plug the benefits of involvement with this paper. The gair rhydd is 33 years old and is one of the foremost student papers in the UK. This autumn sees us launch our first magazine section (first issue published September 15), and a major expansion of our Internet site. We’re always looking for help, so feel free to pop up to our Media Suite on the top floor of the Union.

In the meantime, enjoy Freshers fornight. There’s nothing like it.

out of control Alarming rise in eating disorders amongst students is serious issue

By Nicola York

T

he news that eating disorders are on the increase may come as no surprise to most people. However, eating disorders among Welsh students are reaching alarming levels, according to a study due to be released later this month.

One Welsh university found that 12% of those having counselling have an eating disorder; this compared to the national figure of 11%, showing that the problem exists across the UK. These figures only represent the proportion of those who seek help.

John Cowley, senior student counsellor at Cardiff University says of those with anorexia and bulimia, There will be an awful lot more who go undetected or unhelped and the only ones we know of are the ones at the more severe end of the scale.

An unhealthy relationship with food is often caused by depression, mental health problems and low self-esteem.

Nigel Denby, a specialist dietician with the International Eating Disorder

Centre is understandably worried by the findings of this study. Interestingly, he says, most of the Centre s residents are high achievers with a certain amount of intelligence . Students are, therefore, a high risk group. And it is not only women who suffer from this.

The number of men with eating disorders is on the rise too, and they are less likely than women to seek help.

The main issue in eating disorders seems to be control, something which many students may feel they lack when they leave home to come to university.

The lack of a regular routine, long periods of time to fill, homesickness, competition with other slimmer students and excessive drinking can all account for a need to control their environment. Many people feel the easiest way to regain control is to limit what they consume.

Cardiff University have a free counselling service next to the Union at 47 Park Place for anyone who needs help or advice, or just someone to listen to them. This is a confidential service open from 9 to 5 Monday to Friday.

‘No one listens to Student radio’ - Simon Hogg, Juice Magazine. Janine Jones explains why he’s so wrong

T

his bleak view of student media is one that Cardiff University students are trying their damnedest to overcome.

It is also far from the truth, as they continue to tune into the radio and pick up their free papers, also providing honest and critical feedback. The effort put into producing and marketing the student paper, radio station and other media products is evidence of the desire to see student media succeed.

So when you are browsing the stalls at Fresher s Fair and the touts for Gair Rhydd, Xpress Radio and the Film Society seem to have a desperate glint in their eye you may understand why.

All kinds of Union politics are in place, which make it difficult to maintain a high standard of media output, from budgeting to staffing hurdles. The solution, in part, lies with you. The student body is the most important resource in the continuing development of this area.

Dedicated teams work hard, I mean really hard, round the clock to come up with interesting, highquality products. And this is where you come in. Of course we all have coursework, society commitments, jobs and socials that take up a huge amount of time, but if you have any free time at all then getting involved is not only worthwhile, but can be fun

too.

The training, equipment and fountains of knowledge that staff the media operations are at your disposal.

You may prefer to take part in the radio station at a technical level, in the newspaper as a designer, or behind the camera in a film society production. Or perhaps you fancy speaking live on-air, seeing your words on the printed page, or acting your socks off for the Film Society. Whatever your choice, any of these activities can be a valuable addition to your CV, as well as allowing you to build up a portfolio of photographs, films, journalistic pieces and so on. Plus there is the added benefit of providing impressive documentary evidence of your extracurricular activities, bound to dazzle any proud parent!

Regardless of whether or not you are destined for a media-based career there is limitless experience to be had. Yes, it is cool working on a film, and the Film Society has a number of projects already lined up for those of you who want a different and rewarding experience. The newspaper is always recruiting and there is a chance of plenty of free stuff (books, CDs, gigs) for the eagerest beavers amongst you.

The radio, though regularly budget deficient, is teeming with enthusiasm and involvement is highly rewarding — especially if you attend meet-andgreets, such as the recent visit by Radio

1 DJs Chris Moyles, Comedy Dave and Wes Butters.

This may sound like a desperate plea, because it is. However the request is not that you make sacrifices or implausible commitments. Some of you may become immersed and decide to dedicate your student life to working with the society of your choice (hopefully not at the expense of your degree), but these are the minority. The rest of you can become valuable assets by attending a few meetings, submitting whatever work your time

allows, and becoming part of the team.

These three societies are improving over the years and can continue to do so only with your support.

Oh, and don t be put off by the rumours. If you walk into a meeting or the societies offices alone, without anyone to hold your hand, you won t be shunned by a disinterested clique.

You will be warmly welcomed, involved and well on the way to doing something positive for yourself and the University.

Student Rant

Nicola York

The state of the arts in Wales

N

o one doubts the fact that Wales has a great deal to offer culturally; Eisteddfods, Brecon Jazz Festival, Hay-on-Wye Literature Festival, the Royal Agricultural Show, numerous theatre companies, Bryn Terfel and the Welsh National Opera to name but a few.

In Cardiff, the future completion of the Wales Millennium Centre, the continuing efforts of the Chapter Arts Centre and the proposal for a new gallery for the visual arts are all exciting ventures, providing inspiration, enjoyment and jobs for many students.

What these arts are in desperate need of, however, is an injection of capital, and a big one at that. The decline in lottery funding due to falling sales has seriously decreased the amount of funding available for the arts this year.

Many companies have, and will continue to, suffer as a result. It doesn t matter how many letters are written lobbying the Government to fund this organisation or that company, there simply isn t the money available for everyone.

I am impressed at the number of theatre companies striving and struggling throughout Wales. The Wales Actors Company are one such company who survive all year round on pitifully small project grants given by the Arts Council of Wales, performing Shakespeare in Castles and historic monuments all over Wales.

I would love to rant at the Welsh Assembly Government over the appaling lack of funding for such brilliant and unique companies as these but I know it is no use it is not their fault. It is hard when circumstances and not people are to blame.

Consequently, I will rant at all of you instead and urge you to spend your hard loaned cash on a lottery ticket once in a while and give something back to the arts in Wales, which has and will continue to give so much to you.

Fancy a rant?

Email 300 words to Roop Jones, the Chris Moyles of Xpress Radio

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Letters

Page 8

September 1 2003

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk The writer of letter of the week receives two free cineetting ma tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. So get waffling and email ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Bin Demand Dear gair rhydd,

Dear gair rhydd, I would like to express my utter exasperation with men who feel the necessity to perve, hoot and shout at girls walking along the street. These men all seem to emerge like maggots from their holes as soon as there is so much as a glimmer of sunshine. If I want to wear a fucking skirt and vest top on the hottest day of the year then I will. It doesn’t give anyone the right to shout obscenities about my arse or legs as they race past in their shitty white vans. Furthermore, I was even more outraged at the fact that the other day, wearing trackie bottoms, no make-up and sweating like a paedophile in a primary school on a ten minute walk, I still got hooted at twice. Do these people have no taste? This just proves it’s not a bloody compliment, but simply an excuse for laddish immaturity and blatant perving over anything that moves.

Get a life boys...

Yours, Pissed Off

H, and indeed, M

Fast Fool

Dear gair rhydd,

Dear gair rhydd,

I'd like to complain about the disgusting pigeons in cathays. They are a plague on the Land (God bless it) and damage the Queen's (God bless her) sacred ground. So I ask myself - how can we take out these horrible horrible creatures (if indeed one can call them that.)

Well, I propose taking an AK47 and shooting the bastards in the arse, where their own rocket propulsions exude from. And then we should ship what is left of the carcus back to the Argies on the first boat out of here and let them deal with the shitters.

But do you know who I blame?

Bloody students. The little shits encourage those pigeons by cooing to them in the middle of the night Ive heard them in the dead of the night - "Coo! Coo! ooh! ooh! yes yes yes yes. come come come come on..." I hear the young lady next door yelling of an evening.

And the worst offenders? the student paper. with that lefty nonsense, criticising HM (god bless her and all who sail in her.) Long live the Queen! Down with the gair rhydd (especially sports. Don't ever think you've qualified to the level of features. As if.)

Kind regards, Si

Letters is supported by UGC cinemas, Cardiff

Last night a DJ saved my life.

No, really. I was just walking down Salisbury Road after a wonderful evening of lash when I came over all queer. I mean, I follow a macrobiotic diet and exercise every day, but there I was with a craving for fast food - and of the lowest imaginable quality! I thus headed for as many takeaways as I could, hellbent on blowing what pittance remained of my savings on greasy portions of offal and carbohydrate.

Soon enough, my wallet was empty and my hands were full, burdened with carrier bags, filled with enough dormant botulism to take out the pan-Asian basin. I was doomed, and there was nothing I could do about it.

However, as I reached my home stretch, something extraordinary happened. I tripped up over a small box lying in the middle of the pavement, scattering my foul purchases far and wide. As I lay, shocked, in fried chicken and beef (?) curry, a friendly hand pulled my up, and a voice asked "are you all right?" looking up, I saw a man. It turns out that he was a club DJ, and the box was some records he was taking to the house he was staying at that night. My memory of how I returned home is shaky (I am still unsure as I write this), but at least I didn't wake up a bloated corpse surrounded with empty wrappers and boxes, my blood turned to gravy at the onslaught of grease. I want to live!

I just want that mystery man to know that I thank him from the bottom of my heart.

Ron Howard PS: Do I win five pounds?

If I’ve got one gripe with Cardiff at the moment, it’s that it’s a bit manky. My walk home is an obstacle course of stinking bins, bits of cauliflower and rapidly congealing dog logs. Clouds of shining bluebottles scatter in my path; a rat the size of Lassie crossed my path outside Marks and Sparks last week.

My favourite environmental hazards however, are undoubtedly the discarded kebab turners on City Road.

Mmmm, good!

Well, okay, it’s not that bad.

Freshers however; watch your step.

Love and Peace, Gareth ‘Shitty Shoes’ Lloyd

Balls To It Dear gair rhydd, I can’t believe the short sightedness of Cardiff City football club.

Here we have a club being pushed forward by an ‘eccentric’ wealthy businessman in the form of Sam Hamman, yet they are still blind to what is surely a great wad of cash dangling right beneath their noses.

I’m talking about the student pound. Sure, most students will support some faraway Premier League topping side or their local team from whence they came, but I’m sure that of the 15,000 students attending Cardiff University a great deal would be interested in supporting what is their local team for most of the year. Yet the club refuses to acknowledge their existence, without even the suggestion of a student price ticket (a policy which has been adopted by many top clubs.) Cardiff City is a club on the up, and as they work their way to the top of the first division and into the Premier League, they should be widening their narrow views in terms of potential supporters.

Yours, Cityboy

Penfold: Bald C--t God I am so bored in my rural obscurity during the summer holidays that I thought I would type a stream of consciousness and send it to gair rhydd. Here goes.

Oh Prickenstein why do you munch on so much penis? Gobble gobble gobble. Just like some kind of turkey. A cock gobbling turkey. I just don’t have the rhythm in me.

I’m really jealous of people who do have the rhythm in them. Off the top of my head I couldn’t name any names though. Maybe Dangermouse. Not Penfold though.

He’s just a bald cunt. If you shave your head you’re not really bald are you? I mean not really bald.

Just, well, just shaven. A tall goth with a dog collar who I went to

The gair rhydd letters page gair Rhydd is read by just about every student at Cardiff University then beyond into the realms of UWIC and the city. This letters page is your opportunity to have your say about pretty much anything you might want to have a say about, so students fresh, stale or just slightly going off get typing and have your views read by your peers.

PS. If your department is worth it’s salt it will have issued you with your very own personal e-mail account. Please e-mail rather than send your letters in, there’s trees out there dying and shit. sixth form college with many years ago told me that there is no sensation greater than that experienced when one has their scrotum shaved by one’s girlfriend. His girlfriend was very nice, also a goth, but still very nice. I trust that she would have done a great job of shaving her boyfriend’s scrotum.

Typing rubbish like this is pretty brainless and rather boring but it is more boring than just sitting doing nothing so I’m going to continue until I have something better to do. I suppose I could go and do a chore like walk the dog or hoover any one of a number of carpets in the house but damn it I don’t want to do that, I want to sit here and type and type and type and type and type and type until I can type no longer. I wonder what the world record for the largest amount of words typed in one sitting is? I wonder if I could beat it.

Maybe I should phone Linford

Christie up and ask if he wants to come round my house and present a TV show based around my typing achievements. Actually I reckon I’m going to stop typing quite soon ‘cos I’m really recall really really, really recall really bored of it now and I’m sure that there are many better things that a young healthy person such as myself should be doing. I can’t think of any at the moment. Maybe playing cricket with disabled children, or helping old blind ladies across the street ‘cos they can’t do it very effectively on their own. so many things I could be doing. So I’m going to have a countdown to the end of this typing session. so here goes, twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, and stop.

Bored farmer

Joy of text

Text us: 07791165837 “Iz muthafucka a real word?”

give me a gay ride now thank you”

“I was walking down cathays on my own last night but I didnt see any students cos its summer n they r all away”

“i hate uni why am i coming back? i should stay at home and work in a book warehouse like my mum does”

“I hate man u they r going to fcuking win again cnuts”

“patch adams is the worst film in the world ever”

“was sending this txt really worth the 20p it cost me? no but i guess it is 2 late now isn’t it” “I h8 summer its too hot for me” “booooored and not in Cardiff. I cant w8 for september so i can have student fun again and read gay ride every fooking day!!!!” “bugger i failed a module so i’ll be back in cardiff for a resit. this is so wrong i cant begin 2 explain.” “i dont know if my jeans look cool or not. They are baggy but not tha baggy. When r u 2 old to wear baggy trousers? I reckon about 21” “dont say fcuk or bugger!!!” “i miss gay ride i want gay ride

He’s drinking beer, but I’m texting gair rhydd!

Please e-mail your letters to us at grletters@cf.ac.uk gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Five minute fun

September 1 2003

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ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Odds and Sods needs an editor! to get involved with the most read section of the paper email ssugr1@cf.ac.uk or contact us at the top of the union building

What the hell happened to you?

A

B

GR

C

A few things...

we’ve noticed this week are triangular sandwiches always taste better than square, reading when drunk is horrible, it’s impossible to pick up a frisbee and still look cool and driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited

Hero of the fortnight is Otterly the rabbit. According to his owner, Mr

A bit of a quiz*

Who from the rich and famous have we disfigured this week? No, these are not guests from Trisha or ex-Steps members, these are actually beloved celebrities cunningly disguised. But can you guess who?

East 17’s Christmas number one was 1 called...?

2 Penelope Pitstop, Mutley and Dick Dastardly were the stars of which kids cartoon?

3 Who is editor of The Sun? music be the food of love, play on’ In which 4 ‘If Shakespeare play is this the opening line? is the name of Brian Clough’s footballing 5 What son?

Words of the week

Use these words as often as possible this week for maximum respect and adoration.

knob jockey, goolies funk it up, bonus

Pointless tat

P. Hunt, our carrot munching friend uses the hallowed pages of gr as bedding material. At least we have some purpose...Chat-up lines of the week include “My gums, your plums”and “How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fertilised?

The Electric Chair was invented by a dentist Americans eat on average 18 acres of pizza a day. If Barbie were real her measurements would be 39-23-33 and she’d be over seven feet tall. A snail can sleep for three years. I bet you’ve tried to lick your elbow. All polar bears are left-handed

gair rhydd crossword

*Don’t write in kids, it’s just for fun!

If I had all the money I’ve spent on booze, I’d spend it on booze...

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut...

Ernest Hemingway

They can’t change any of their players but they can change one of their players. And he’s the coach.

Bobby Robson

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra

d wonderful ani n a ird A duck’s quack doesn’t echo mal e s W An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump A snail can sleep for three years It’s impossible to lead a cow downstairs A crocodile cannot stick his tongue out Butterflies taste with their feet

ACROSS 1 With Impact (11) 9 Article of faith (5) 10 Free from guilt (7) 11 Tombstone inscription (7) 12 Small picture inside another (5) 13 Non-professional (6) 15 Feel sorry about (6) 18 Wild Card (5) 20 Part-payment in advance (7) 22 Small house (7) 23 Paved area adjoining a house(5) 24 One-wheeled cart (11) DOWN 2 In a droll manner (7) 3 Surplus (5) 4 Of poor quality (6) 5 Small trace (7) 6 Periods of calm (5) 7 Person who builds and fixes chimneys (11) 8 Return of something taken illegally (11) 14 Land area (7) 16 Italian rice dish (7) 17 Word that qualifies another (6) 19 Two-masted sailing vessel (5) 21 Writing material (5) Last week’s winner: Well this is the first issue but enter to be a winner...and i’m boring myself

Win, from gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

Gourmet platter for two, with desert, coffees and free corkage Open ‘til 11, seven days a week.

Coffee bar with BYO license!

Own roasted coffee.

A shot in the dark, next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300

WIN!

Name:________________________ E-mail:_______________________ Tiebreaker: Strip or triangle? (thanks to music desk for that nonsensical buzzcocks) ________________________________________ ________________________________________ ________________________________________ _______________________________________

What the hell happened to you? A: The magnificent Justin Timberlake B: Although it looks like Jade Goody in real life, it s actually Beyonce Knowles C: Catherine Zeta Jones Quiz: 1. Stay Another Day 2. Wacky Races 3. Rebekah Wade 4. Twelfth Night 5. Nigel

Media

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September 1 2003

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

You can’t print that!

A potted history of student papers

By Gary Andrews

T

his feature was intended as a look at the history of the student newspaper but as any fresher who’s just come through clearing will tell you, there are bloody hundreds of universities, most of which have their own paper and a ton of their own history.

So rather than write a whole book on the subject and give it away free with this issue, we ve condensed it down into a (very) potted history of the student press.

Today it s a rare university that doesn t have some sort of student rag, even if it is only written on two sides of

A4 and printed on the SU photocopier during Monday lunchtimes, which is pretty much how most of them actually started out many decades ago.

One of the oldest student newspapers is the now sadly defunct Edinburgh Student, which had been going for 115 years (so they certainly didn t start out using a photocopier) until it was forced to close a couple of years ago because of financial pressure.

However, Gair Rhydd can trace its origins back to 1885, when a few Cardiff students started up a small magazine. This went through quite a few guises until 1971 when The Broadsheet changed its name and style and the first issue of GR was published.

Although a few student papers can

claim to be a couple of years old, it was in the mid 20th century when independent newspapers really took off around university campuses.

Part of this was because of the student protests of the 60s, when our predecessors were a bit of an angry bunch and protested about anything and everything, often occupying university buildings to do so.

Students wanted to know what was going on in these demonstrations and editors realised that this was great front page news and would shift copies by the bucketload.

We re a little less militant today, but the student press is still a vital source of info for many undergraduates as well as campaigning for student rights both

locally and nationally.

Gair Rhydd won best campaign in 2000 for exposing dodgy landlords in the Cardiff area, whilst in Cambridge some years back the Stop Press newspaper exposed one of their students, Nick Griffin, as a member of the Nation Front. Griffin now leads the British National Party.

The most pressing campaigns today are likely to be against tuition fees and anti-globalisation protests, with jobs and living accommodation high up the list.

Another vital job for the student press is to hold their own universities and student s unions to account. Some SU s however, are a little less tolerant than others of criticism directed towards them.

Earlier this year the Liverpool Student was first pulped, then taken over by the Guild of Students after it ran a series of stories criticising its sabbatical officers for giving themselves pay rises, whilst at Aberdeen University the editor of The Gaudie resigned after the Students Association tried to wrest editorial control following a few critical articles.

Needless to say this caused an outcry in the Scottish city and even led to questions being asked in Parliament about it.

Although such cases are few and far between, some papers are still reluctant to be under control of their SU s, with Sheffield Uni s Steel Press recently refusing the offer of a paid editor fearing it would compromise its independence.

A fair few famous bods have also put pen to paper for their student rag.

The BBC s Huw Edwards passed through the doors of Gair Rhydd, whilst Nicky Campbell wrote for The Gaudie.

Financial Times editor Andrew Gowers nearly got kicked out of uni during his editorship of Cambridge s Stop Press, whilst Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown was news editor on the Edinburgh Student, although rumours that he required each story to pass five tests before he printed them are unfounded.

Next Issue - gair rhydd Media looks at the ups and downs of a student life spent at the radio mike.

The Guardian Student Media awards, now 25 years old

Student media in the 21st century A

lthough very few Students Unions have a TV station, a good deal of them will have a film society. Some will just concentrate on film screenings, but the majority will be in the business of making their own student films.

Indeed, the facilities of some film societies are only a small step down from the smaller student TV stations, with both having very similar output.

Student film makers have been around for ages and some universities (Newport for instance) have dedicated film departments.

For institutions that don t run practical film degrees, a film soc is the only place where budding Spielbergs can get their vision onto screen.

Cardiff University s own film society is quite small compared to the other student media, and, in it s current guise, is no more than a couple of years old, but has come on leaps and bounds since its inception and last year took part in the annual Cardiff Student Media Awards for the first time ever.

Currently living in a box room opposite Xpress Radio, they have some top class equipment and are aiming to churn out a minimum of half a dozen films this year. If they manage to produce a film every month, they ll already have surpassed their near neighbours in terms of work rate.

W

ith the web revolution well and truly here, it’s a rare student media organisation that doesn’t have an online presence.

Most national newspapers now have vast and impressive online sites, and student newspapers are gradually catching up.

Gair Rhydd Online is currently in the process of being revamped and with other publications such as Nerve at Bournemouth Uni and Aberdeen s Gaudie having a strong online presence.

Similarly, most student radio stations will let you listen online, as well as providing student news, reviews and features to much around with when you should be doing your coursework.

Normally these sites are run by one or two people who spend half their life screaming at computers (so usually computer scientists), but the end results often look as good as professional organisations.

As anybody with a decent computer and the right software can knock up a web page, small websites devoted to student news have sprung up, such as www.students.com, a site that gives a round up and provides links to student news worldwide.

It s also pretty easy for somebody with enough time, commitment and the right contacts could set up their own website to deal with student news and issues, although with the web being such a huge place, they d have to make a pretty big effort to promote is as well, if anybody s actually going to visit the thing.

September 1 2003

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September 1 2003

Students Volunteer Fair Come to our introduction and recruitment evening on Monday 29th September Drop in between 5.00pm-8.00pm in the Great Hall, University Union Endless volunteering opportunities for all students

September 1 2003

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September 1 2003

Television

September 1 2003

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ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Your essential guide to this week’s TV. 1 September - 7 September

Super-Duper Fresher Extravaganza Well I’ve been dragged out of retirement for this so it must be special.

HOT Beyonce, oh Beyonce how I wish I could be in between those thighs. I think those thighs should have their own little section on TOTP, you’ve heard of smell’o’vision, we could call it lick’o’vision. Crikey, time for a cold shower.

SOAPS Neighbours continues in a similar vein (surprise!) with Boyd getting increasingly twatty. Get a haircut you little oik, and some acting lessons while you’re at it.

In Coronation Street, Tracy (slapper!) holds Hayley and Roy to ransom over her “love child” threatening to abort the sprog unless they cough up £20,000.

Quite why Hayley would want to raise the offspring of a common strumpet and a man who looks like he should be hiding under bridges and scaring goats is beyond me. Not that she’s exactly an oil painting mind.

Billy comes clean to Kat this week in Eastenders. Oh no! Ferretface has discovered he’s not a criminal genius, and now he’s gonna cry like baby. Pussy!

Hello Freshers, my name used to be TV Steve but now I chase the yankee dollar and my name is just plain Steve. I’ve returned from my self enforced exile from the GR office (all that free pizza was making me bloated) to write one last section just for you little scamps..

Teachers (Septemeber 1, S4C, 10.35pm) Behold the folly of S4C! If you’ve been watching this on Channel Four you’ll have already seen this episode, but as there’s nowt else on tonight so I’ll review it anyway and those of you are new to it’s delights can catch up, can’t you? That said it’s nowhere as good as the last series with the excellent Andrew Lincoln (he be Egg from from This Life) taking a sabbatical to concentrate on other stuff, the centre stage has been taken by Kurt and Brian. They both do an admirable job with Brian in particular getting some great lines, “Get up you big gay baby” being a particular favourite of mine. Sadly though the plots don’t seem as engrossing as last year and this episode, in which Liz takes pity on Bob whose wife has thrown him out of their marital home to make room for a younger lover, is a good example of how it seems to have a bit wayward.

Amusing but not essential viewing.

At Home with the Eubanks (September 2, five, 8pm). Oh dear, it seems an ex-boxer has tasted the elixir of celebrity..and he wants more. Chris Eubank would be wise to look at the failed flirtation with celebrity of a certain Mr Frank Bruno. There is only so long you can lampoon your tough

SATELLITE:CABLE:DIGITAL LIVING ISN’T EASY - but then, neither is death, and mixing and matching the two is even harder. As is proved rather magnificently by the return of Six Feet Under (10pm, Thursday 4 September, E4).

With dialogue as sharp as Vermeer, characters whose many eccentricities are perfectly balanced by their helpless normality and plots which steer their way through the minefields of living, loving and dying with exquisite pace and touch, there’s currently nothing to rival it. E4 viewers, look smug right now: not only have you been spared agonising over the cliffhanger ending of the second series, but you get to revel in all of these morbid delights for the next few months.

Meanwhile, by the time you read this the US Open (Eurosport) will be halfway to its conclusion. TV Desk’s picks to take the last chance at Grand Slam glory of 2003 are Justine Henin-Hardenne and Andy Roddick, but watch out for pert Russian starlet and future champion Maria “I don’t want to be a loser like Anna” Sharapova along with her many wondrous compatriots - and sexy French Open winner Juan Carlos Ferrero as dark horses. Ah, tennis, truly the king of sports. Unbeatable.

guy image by appearing in panto or in Eubank’s case dressing like a prize tosser. Soon people will realise you’re not all sparkling wit and smiling at granny ‘nice-ness’ and remember that you used to beat people up as for living. This fly-on-the-wall documentary series follows Mr Eubank in his daily life.

One expects a morning to trip to the newsagents to buy The Chap before a exhausting afternoon of monocle and jodpur shopping. After making a bit of a tit of himself on Celebrity Big Brother a n d W h e n Louis Met Chris Eubank, why Eubank is again thrusting himself in the limelight is beyond most people’s reason. Perhaps he thinks his show will be the new Osbournes? Perhaps someone should tell him it’s on five.

The Full Monty (September 3, ITV1, 9pm).

Yes, yes, you’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, we’ve all seen it, even my nan. But lets embrace a rare gem here, a true diamond in the rough; a British film which is actually pretty good. The plot might almost be typically American; a group of men overcome the all odds blah, blah.

Yet solid (as always) performances from the likes of Robert Carlyle, Tom Wilkinson, Hugo Speer and Mark Addy really lift this film to respectable heights. No cock though despite the title.

Taboo (September 4, BBC2, 11.20pm) Slim pickings for today so I’m reduced to choosing a repeat. It’s worth watching just to see Joan Bakewell politely mumsying her way around while all kinds of degradation erupts around her.

Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights (September 5, S4C, 10.50pm) Still one the best things on TV at the moment. I keep finding myself singing Jerry’s version of Men In Black (Black Binbags) to myself in the shower. But I am a tad disturbed. “Just rip with me and tear with me...”

The slanging match (read publicity opportunity) between Jodie Marsh and Jordan is getting right on my noninflated mammaries. The pair of you only have one talent, or two each to be more accurate.

SPORT Inter national Football Live: Italy v Wales (September 6,BBC2, 7.10pm) Should be epic..

VIDEOS TO RENT:BUY Poppin’ a cap in the ass of America’s fetish for the gun, satirist Michael Moore uses the massacre at Columbine highschool as his starting point for asking some tough questions in BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE. As in his TV programs, Moore is never afraid to tackle tragedy with comedy and go from the sublime to the ridiculous. His journey for some answers takes him to deepest Wackoville to talk shop with some gun lovin’ loonies like the Michigan Militia and Charlton “from my cold, dead hands” Heston. Moore’s strength is he doesn’t try to make sense of situation instead he just presents it as it is. And he certainly taps into the strange mentality of middle America, a world where Marilyn Manson has more formed and sensible opinions than a Oscar winning actor. A country where any citizen can walk down to his local KMart and buy some automatic ammunition and as an incentive to open a new bank account, you get a free gun.

Also worth a look is City of God by acclaimed Brazilian director Fernando Meirelles. The film tells the story of a group of youngsters growing up Rio’s slums.

NOT

Experience the comedy/tragedy of England v South Africa: The Fifth Test (From 10.30am, all week, Channel 4/S4C). Marvel as England snatch defeat from the jaws of victory again and again. Be dazzled by “Fat Freddy” Flintoff’s “townie” earing...

FILMS A thin week to be honest, but one redeemed by the presence of Eve’s Bayou (1.15am, Friday 5 September, BBC2), a sultry, steamy drama set in 1962 Louisiana which features astonishing performances from Samuel L Jackson and an 11-year-old Jurnee Smollett.

RADIO WELL, TV DESK doesn’t listen to the radio that much. I’ve got a great CD collection, thanks, I’ll stick to that.

Nevertheless, sometimes encounters with Radio 1 are unavoidable: when you can’t be arsed to change the CD, when you just need to hear Crazy In Love (uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh oh-no-no!).

What a fcuking embarrassment that station is, eh? Sara Cox is now their least annoying DJ - let me repeat that, LEAST annoying, because at least she’s perky and gorgeous. Unlike the sycophantic Jo Whiley, the (literally) overgrown schoolboy Moyles (ugh), that hideous double-headed Collnanaydit monster (who somehow contrive to make the Scottish accent sound bad) and most of all, that stupid cnut Wes Butters.

Damn them. Damn them all.

Television

September 1 2003

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Monday 1 September BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 News 1.40 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.20 News 3.25 CBeebies: Boo! 3.35 Bob the Builder 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Watch My Chops 4.20 Eureka TV 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.55 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround 5.30 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.35 Neighbours Harold creates his own commercial for late night television. Jack wants to get to know his grandmother.

A horrifying double-headed ‘fnarr!’ to welcome y’all to the all-new world of TV Desk, then. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 No Variations 7.00 UK's Worst... Showbiz Manager?

7.30 I Love Wales Iolo Williams visits Wales's most scary places. It gets very League Of Gentlemen-esque up in the Valleys, you know.

8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Ground Force America 9.00 The Debt 10.00 BBC News 10.35 Billy Connolly's World Tour of England, Ireland and Wales: Newcastle Billy Connolly: you are not funny.

You need to die. Now. 11.05 Ruby Wax's Commercial Breakdown 11.35 Burn It 12.05 Essex in the City 1.10 FILM: Major Payne 2.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Children and New Technology 6.30 CBeebies 7.00 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 11.00 FILM: Crack-Up 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 FILM: Casbah 2.30 Wildlife on Two 3.00 Country House 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 Delia's How to Cook 8.00 Mastermind 8.30 University Challenge: The Professionals 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Christmas Special What the frig? Christmas? Have I missed something here?

Guests include Coolio, Rainbow's Geoffrey Hayes, Kelly Llorenna and Peter Stringfellow. OK, I’m just laughing that they couldn’t get anyone halfway decent for their Christmas special.

Maybe that’s why it’s being shown now. 9.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 10.00 3 Non-Blondes 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four Highlights on BBC Two: Much Ado about Something Storyville 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Challenge 1.00 Wendepunkte 1.30 Chardin and the Still Life 2.00 Youth Nation: Private Worlds 4.00 Languages: Buongiorno Italia! 3-4 5.00 Skills for Life: Skillswise: The Guide

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: The Seven Deadly Sins 10.30 This Morning 11.30 Loose Women TV Amy’s spirit guides us from afar. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Medics of the Glen 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Renovation Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.30 Invader Zim 4.00 Starfinder 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 7.00 Emmerdale Chris is surprised

by Charity's spontaneous show of affection. Dude, she’s just living up to her name. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Trial and Retribution 7 11.00 ITV News at Ten 11.30 The Premiership on Monday 12.30 Football League Extra 1.10 Today with Des and Mel 1.55 Now and Again 2.40 Entertainment Now! 3.05 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.30 Ghost Stories 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News OK, so TV Desk isn’t completely all-new - for this week only, kittens, you’ll be treated to a last fleeting glimpse of TV Alex and TV Steve before we disappear into the worlds of deputy editorship/dole queue. Yeah, we said last time we wouldn’t be back. We lied. Whatcha gon’ do about it, huh?

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 1.00 BBC News 1.40 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.20 BBC News 3.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.30 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.45 Cavegirl 4.55 Against All Odds 5.20 Newsround 5.30 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Silent Witness 10.00 BBC News 10.35 Silent Witness 11.35 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 12.05 FILM: Castaway 2.05 Sign Zone: Fred Dibnah's Age of Steam 2.35 Sign Zone: How I Made My Property Fortune 3.05 Sign Zone: The Way We Travelled 4.05 Sign Zone: Ruby Wax With... Susan Sarandon TV Desk *hearts* Ruby Wax. 4.35 Joins BBC News 24 “I’ll admit that I’m a contributor to TV’s decline in standards” Noel Edmonds. Damn right.

6.00 Open University: Two Religions: Two Communities 6.30 CBeebies 7.00 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 11.00 FILM: The Enchanted Cottage 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Trade Secrets 1.10 FILM: Two Tickets to Broadway 2.50 The Flying Gardener 3.00 Country House 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Featuring Sister Sledge, Simple Minds, Randy Crawford, Depeche Mode and Procul Harum. Plus new music from Celine Dion. Gah not even the Sledge and the Mode are enough to compensate for the Square-Jawed One. 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 What the Romans Did for Us Toga parties. Orgies. Olives. 8.00 Escape to the Country 8.30 Hidden Treasure 9.00 Restoration 10.00 I'm Alan Partridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four Highlights on BBC Two: Hollywood Confidential 12.25 The Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University 1.00 English, English Everywhere 1.30 Flag 2.00 Youth Nation: Private Worlds 4.00 Languages 5.00 Skills for Life

The Best of the New Tom Green Show S4C 12.45am

Jamie’s Kitchen S4C 11.35pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.00 FILM: Lost 11.35 Friends 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ding Dong 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Slici a Slac Freshers - welcome to your new pastime of laughing at S4C titles. Swiftly followed by bitching about how you can’t get Channel 4 any more. 1.15 Film Fever 1.25 FILM: Watch Your Stern 3.00 A Place in the Sun 3.30 Fifteen to One 4.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 4.15 Planed Plant: Sgiliau Mas Draw 4.25 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 The City Gardener 5.25 How Clean Is Your House?

6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Yr Ocsiwniar 8.30 Dysgwr y Flwyddyn 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Teachers 11.35 Jamie's Kitchen Jamie faces a serious problem. No, that should read ‘Jamie’s face is a serious problem’, the fattongued cnut. 12.35 Will and Grace 1.05 Diana Mosley: Adolf, Oswald and Me 2.05 FILM: Hum Dono

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.55 Hi-5 7.25 Milkshake! 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Barney 9.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Charlie's Angels 3.40 FILM: Miracle in the Woods 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Cameron strikes lucky with a stripper. Never has there been a more appropriate time to deliver a shout-out to former News Desk Mark Cobley.

Where are our scabies jokes going to come from now?

7.00 five news 7.35 Angel 8.25 five news update 8.30 Swag 9.00 The Curse of Blue Peter 10.00 Celebrity Naked Ambition 11.45 outTHERE 12.15 NFL Update 12.55 US PGA Golf: Deutsche Bank Championship 1.45 NASCAR Busch Series 200 2.40 FIM Motocross World Championship 3.30 Argentinian Football Highlights Sleb Trivia Of The Day: Jo Brand’s breasts are 36I. Incredible, if not nice.

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: The Seven Deadly Sins 10.30 This Morning 11.30 Loose Women 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Medics of the Glen 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Renovation Street 3.00 ITV News 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.30 Invader Zim 4.00 Starfinder 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 You've Been Framed!

5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 7.00 Emmerdale Chris' world falls apart when his worst fears about Charity are confirmed. Hang on, she was giving affection yesterday, wasn’t she? 7.30 If Only the Walls Had Ears Imagine walls with ears, like, sticking out.

Ew, not a pleasant image at all. 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Trial and Retribution 7 11.00 ITV News at Ten 11.30 FILM: Mission to Mars Probably a million times easier than a journey to London. Oh FCUKING fcuk, I can foresee my future and it will involve being stuck in baking train carriages for four fcuking hours tomorrow. So our trains can’t run in the winter because of the snow, in the spring because of the rain, in the summer because of the heat or in the autumn because of the leaves. This isn’t a third world country really. 1.25 Today with Des and Mel 2.15 World Sport 2.40 Football League Extra 3.20 World Football 3.45 Get Stuffed! 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.00 FILM: The Vicious Circle 11.30 Friends 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Pei Pwmpen 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bryn Seren 1.15 Some of My Best Friends Are... Anglican If this is true of you, you need to get out more. 1.45 Some of My Best Friends Are... Jewish And if this is true of you, you need to see Sports Desk if you want a joke. 2.15 Pet Rescue 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Wali Wags 4.10 Planed Plant: Popty Bach 4.25 Planed Plant: Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 The City Gardener 5.30 How Clean Is Your House? Hmm, this was fun for a couple of weeks though never as good as The Dinner Party Inspectors - but meh, bored now. 6.00 Friends Praise the lord for these repeats - welcome reminders of back when this was good.

6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Unwaith Eto Aled 9.00 Rasus 10.00 Grand Designs 11.00 FILM: Double Team 12.45 The Best of the New Tom Green Show Gah supreme MTV cnut making sneaky inroads into terrestrial TV via the graveyard slot.

Stop this! 1.40 FILM: Zubeidaa

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Barney 9.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Charlie's Angels 3.40 FILM: First Do No Harm 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Sadie and Cat come to blows. Fnarr!

7.00 five news 7.30 Hot Property 8.00 At Home with the Eubanks Fly-on-the-wall documentary series following the daily events in the life of the former boxer and professional celebrity dandy Chris Eubank. Jesus, since when was he a fcuking ‘professional celebrity dandy’? Bite your tongue, Channel 5, you insult dandies everywhere. Tsk tsk.

9.00 CSI: Miami 9.55 CSI: Crime Scene 10.50 The Shield 11.50 The Others 12.40 Boxing: Fight of the Week II Justin Timberlake v Robbie ‘Fool’ Williams. No hands, cocks only! Go Justin! *opens popcorn* 1.30 European Seniors Golf 2.20 ITU World Cup Triathlon 3.10 Five Football Replay: Cologne v Liverpool 4.30 Major League Soccer: New England Revolution v LA Galaxy Good to see Five continuing its sterling campaign against insomnia. Zzz.

Tuesday 2 September

Television

September 1 2003

Page 17

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Wednesday 3 September BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgmental 1.00 BBC News 1.40 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.20 BBC News 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Animal Arc 4.20 Watch My Chops 4.35 Yo! Diary I’d hope that my nine-year-old self would never have been sad enough to watch something called Yo! Diary. For fcuk’s sake, CBBC, have some shame! 4.55 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround 5.30 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Weakest Link 7.50 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 8.00 Airport Miami 9.00 Shops, Robbers and Videotape 10.00 BBC News 10.35 The Vicar of Dibley 11.15 FILM: Teaching Mrs Tingle Ooh, I never saw this but Yank high school comedydramas, especially those featuring the delectable Katie Holmes, are always worth a look if you’re bored. 12.50 Sign Zone: DIY SOS 1.20 Sign Zone: Crowded Skies 2.20 Sign Zone: Smart Sharks: Swimming with Roboshark 3.20 Sign Zone: Intensive Scares 4.20 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt 4.50 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Bringing Home the Bacon 6.30 CBeebies 7.00 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 11.25 FILM: Criminal Court 12.25 FILM: The Armored Car Robbery 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: Every Day's a Holiday 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Featuring Oasis (tossers - shoot on sight), the Shamen (wikkid - I know someone who’s only just ‘got’ Ebeneezer Goode, though), Bon Jovi (horrifying), Housemartins (OK-ish), Bellamy Brothers (who?), Ocean Colour Scene (die!), Phil Collins (DIE!) and Zoe (oh my god early 90s rave CLASSIC which i haven’t heard for YEARS). 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 homeground: Calendar Girls 8.00 The Life Laundry 8.30 How I Made My Property Fortune 9.00 Would You Buy a Used Car from This Man? 10.00 The Thin Blue Line 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four Highlights on BBC Two: The Strange World of Barry Who? 12.25 The Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: In Search of Certainty 1.00 Acid Politics 1.50 What Have the 90s Ever Done for Us? *feels ancient* 2.00 Youth Nation: Private Worlds 4.00 Languages: Buongiorno Italia! 7-8 5.00 Skills for Life: Switched On

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: The Seven Deadly Sins 10.30 This Morning 11.30 Loose Women 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Medics of the Glen 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Renovation 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.30 Invader Zim 4.00 Starfinder 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 FILM: The Full Monty 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 FILM: The Full Monty Oh god, fugly naked men. Ain’t nothing funny about that. When the fittest man around is Robert Carlyle... well, TV Desk is unimpressed, anyway. (Yes, it’s not the point of the film, but it damn well should be.)

11.15 Personal Services Including the 50-year-old prostitute who works from home and earns £7,000 a month.

Good Lord, she’s old enough to be your mother. Maybe she is. 11.50 Redcoats Fly-on-theblah docu-blah about Butlins blah. Watch them signally fail to provide even half the amusement of their club rep counterparts (which, believe me, is very very little amusement indeed). 12.15 CD:UK Hotshots 12.40 Nash Bridges 1.30 The Machine 1.55 Today with Des and Mel 2.45 FILM: Assignment Redhead 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgmental 1.00 BBC News 1.40 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.20 BBC News 3.25 CBeebies: Balamory 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.30 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.45 Cavegirl 4.55 Rule the School Ha, am so looking forward to the freshers who used to rule their schools discovering that, well, no one gives a shit any more. I laugh in your faces. 5.20 Newsround 5.30 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Garden SOS 8.30 FILM: Space Cowboys 10.00 BBC News 10.35 FILM: Space Cowboys Geriatric Clint Eastwood plays at being an astronaut. OK, so this film looks like the most horrendously bad thing ever.

11.10 FILM: Deadly Pursuit 1.00 FILM: Puppet on a Chain 2.30 BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Paris and the New Mathematics 6.30 CBeebies 7.00 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 11.00 FILM: Flying down to Rio 12.30 Working Lunch 1.05 Trade Secrets 1.15 FILM: The Girl Most Likely 2.50 The Flying Gardener 3.00 Country House 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 6.45 Malcolm in the Middle 7.30 History Hunters 8.00 Time Commanders 9.00 Seven Wonders of the Industrial World: The Great Ship 9.50 The Highest Bidder 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Taboo I remember this being very entertaining, if only for the scenes of Joan Bakewell using a pixillated erection as a prop. That should happen more on TV. 12.00 Red Dwarf 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Rough Science 1.00 Truth Will Out 1.15 Leg before Cricket 1.30 Galapagos: Research in the Field 2.00 More than Meets the Eye 2.30 A Future with Aids 3.00 Fighting for Space 3.30 Rough Science 4.00 Languages: Buongiorno Italia! 9-10 5.00 Skills for Life: Skillswise: Good Practice

Fifth Test: England v South Africa S4C 10.30am

Film: The Full Monty ITV1 10.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.00 FILM: The Baby and the Battleship 11.35 Friends 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Caio 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Miffi 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 A Place in the Sun 2.15 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.15 Planed Plant: Mali O 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 The City Gardener 5.30 How Clean Is Your House?

6.00 No 57: The History of a House 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Taith i Uffern: Stori Edgar Christian 9.30 Dying to Be Apart Intimate report on the recent attempt to separate the conjoined Iranian twins, Laden and Laleh Bijani. Heroines of our times. 10.30 Other People's Houses 11.30 Brookside 1.00 Infamous Fives 1.30 Perfect Match: New York 2.30 Coming Up: Fierce 3.00 FILM: Under the Sand Psychological drama with Charlotte Rampling, i.e. damn good and possibly very rude in places. French accents = sexiest things ever...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Barney 9.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Charlie's Angels 3.40 FILM: Vows of Deception 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Mikey decides to see if he can fly. Er, dude, you’re in Home And Away - don’t you think this is getting above yourself a bit? 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Heroes of World War II: The Man Who Designed the Spitfire 8.00 Kamikaze in Colour 9.00 Genius of the Vikings: Masters of Strategy 10.00 Myra: The Making of a Monster It’s MYRA! TV Desk *hearts* Myra Hindley. A true modern icon. 11.30 The FBI Files: Blood Brothers 12.20 Major League Baseball 3.30 Major League Rounders Replay: St Louis Cardinals v Atlanta Braves 4.45 Australian Rules Football 5.35 Fastrax ...second only to Russian accents, of course.

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: The Seven Deadly Sins 10.30 This Morning 11.30 Loose Women 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Medics of the Glen 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Renovation Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.30 Invader Zim 4.00 Starfinder 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Sweet Medicine 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Tin Gods?: Welsh Rugby: The Crying Game A subtitle which refers to a film about transvestitism and closet homosexuality? That is so, so apt for a documentary on rugby.

11.00 Tarrant on TV 11.30 Jigsaw 12.00 Turn On Terry 12.25 Take the Mike 12.55 Sting in Profile ...looks no better than Sting face-on.

What is about him which provokes that involuntary ‘ew!’ reaction? Maybe the tantric sex. Maybe the dull-ass music. Maybe the wizened features. 1.20 Charlie's Angels Back in Town 1.40 Cybernet 2.10 Motorsport UK 2.35 Mixmasters 3.05 Trisha 3.55 Get Stuffed! 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News OK, so Beyoncé’s remix of In Da Club is still the best thing ever.

“My nails, my hair, my diamond rings” - oh yes, you go girl.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.30 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa 12.45 The Lunch Break 1.25 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa Fcuk me, over seven hours of cricket is NOT ON, y’hear me? No one needs that much sleep in the middle of the day. You know those Channel 4 trailers where it was all speeded up and set to banging techno music? If cricket was actually played at that pace, then it might be interesting. Might. Until then, it can fuck right off. Go out and enjoy the sunshine today, kids! 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Be'wnaeth Brynle Nesa?

9.00 Pen Tennyn 9.30 No Going Back: A Year in Tuscany 10.00 That'll Teach 'Em I keep meaning to watch this, but forget every week.

Sorry, I don’t watch much TV it’s a trait which has served me well as TV editor. 11.05 Masters and Servants Way to cement social divisions and perpetuate the Class War, Channel 4. Have a gold star.

12.35 Today at the Test: England v South Africa 1.05 Monkey 1.55 Gods in the Sky 2.55 FILM: Masoom Oops, have deleted the blurb for this film so can’t tell you what it’s about. It’s directed

by Shekhar Kapur though, which is a good sign. Watch and learn!

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Barney 9.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Charlie's Angels 3.35 FILM: Long John Silver 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 What Women Want 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Help Me Rhonda Life coach Rhonda Britten inspires losers with no conception of the word ‘self-sufficiency’ to conquer their fears and change their lives. I hope she’s a complete charlatan and these people find thir lives irredeemably fcuked up.

9.00 FILM: Face/Off 11.35 Hollywood Sex 12.35 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 1.15 Dutch Football 2.45 Argentinian Football 4.15 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.50 US Major League Soccer: Dallas Burn v LA Galaxy TV Desk is brought to you on a soundtrack of Dizzee Rascal, Thea Gilmore, Pet Shop Boys, Saint Etienne, Beyoncé, Tori Amos, Sean Paul and The White Stripes, and a diet of salmon and cucumber sandwiches and a rather delicious tarte aux citrons. Thank-you and goodnight.

Thursday 4 September

Television

Page 18

September 1 2003

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Friday 5 September BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Back to Baghdad: Rageh Omaar Returns 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.40 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Rugrats 4.15 The Basil Brush Show 4.40 Rugrats 4.55 Call the Shots 5.20 Newsround 5.30 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.35 Neighbours The ice between Steph and Boyd begins to melt. Like a crap metaphor on a hot day.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Open All Hours 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders An old face returns to the Square. Cor blimey guv’ it’s Dirty Den! “Ange, I’m back, Yeah I was dead, but now the ratings have gone down the swanny” 8.30 My Hero 9.00 Eyes Down 9.30 Trevor's World of Sport 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Lyrics Game 11.15 Jim Davidson: On the Road 11.55 Men Behaving Badly 12.25 Boxing: Clinton Woods v Glenncoffe Johnson 2.00 FILM: The Arrival 3.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Open Advice: Exam Success 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 Noddy 7.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 7.20 Looney Tunes 7.25 Round the Twist 7.55 CBBC at the Fame Academy 8.00 Newsround 8.05 Rule the School 8.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 8.50 Magic Key 9.00 Tweenies 9.20 Rubbadubbers 9.30 Fimbles 9.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Little Bear 10.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 11.00 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons 11.25 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons 11.50 Trade Secrets 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Cats 3.00 Country House 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Scrum V Live 9.00 Restoration 10.00 dinnerladies 10.30 Newsnight “Could I be your protector/you’re buff in every sector/everyman around dem wanna turn your inspector..more on that story later” 11.00 Newsnight Review With Tom“I, I, I..”Paulin. A legend, in a sort of pretentious way.

11.35 FILM: Losing Isaiah 1.15 FILM: Eve's Bayou TV Alex chose this as his film choice, probably high-brow tosh then.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: The Seven Deadly Sins 10.30 This Morning 11.30 Loose Women 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Medics of the Glen 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Get a Life 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.30 Invader Zim 4.00 Starfinder 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 You've Been Framed!

5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald “This week Carol Vorderman investigates the hidden dangers of self immolation” 8.30 Airline 9.00 Rosemary and Thyme Drama series about a pair of gardening enthusiasts and amateur sleuths played by Pam Ferris (the fat one) and Felicity Kendall (lovely nipplets).

10.00 Into the Danger Zone 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.05 Crime Secrets 11.30 The Henry Files 12.05 Love Match 12.35 Police in Action 3 1.25 Dare to Believe 1.50 Entertainment Now! 2.15 CD:UK Hotshots 2.40 The Waterboys in Profile 3.05 World Football 3.30 Today with Des and Mel 4.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald

Phoenix Nights S4C 10.50pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.30 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa 12.45 The Lunch Break 1.25 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa 6.30 Hollyoaks Ben decides to tell Izzy how he feels. 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Clwb Garddio 8.30 Pobol y Cwm It’s a big day for Dr Gwen as he gets his long awaited penis extension.

9.00 C'mon Midffild 10.15 Sex and the City Samantha's PR machine works a little too well, and Miranda starts to feel the pressure. Probably up her arse, the filthy sluts.

10.50 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

11.20 My New Best Friend 11.50 Porn: A Family Business: 12.25 Today at the Test: England v South Africa 12.55 World Rally: Australia 1.30 Top 10 Camp Pop 3.00 Days of Thunder Racing 3.25 Brazilian Football

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Barney 9.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Charlie's Angels 3.40 FILM: Two Mothers for Zachary 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Danger! 50,000 Volts Tongue-in-cheek factual series in with Nick Frost (Mike from the excellent Spaced). In this edition, how to capture an alligator. Proper Bo, I tell thee.

8.00 Greatest Military Clashes: Spitfire v Messerschmitt. Stick that up yer Kaiser, Kaiser.

8.30 Secrets of the Desert 9.00 FILM: No Mercy 11.10 Boomtown 12.05 FILM: Blackwater Trail Directed by Coppola, worth a glance.1.55 FILM: The Rain People 3.40 Behind the Music - 1977 4.10 Russell Grant's Postcards

BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 Fimbles 6.20 Bill and Ben 6.30 CBBC: Enchanted Lands 6.45 Dennis the Menace 7.10 Mona the Vampire 7.25 Tom and Jerry Kids 7.45 Taz-Mania 8.05 Looney Tunes 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.10 Rugby Union: Scotland v Ireland 3.20 Golf: Walker Cup 3.45 Football Half-Times 3.50 Racing 4.30 Wales on Saturday 5.05 BBC News 5.20 Match of the Day Live: Macedonia v England. A warning to English students in Cardiff: always follow any jingoism with “Of course Wales have vastly improved under Mark Hughes”. 7.30 Test the Nation 8.55 The National Lottery: Winning Lines 9.05 BBC News 9.25 Test the Nation 10.35 Jim Davidson: Passionate about Comedy In the time honoured fashion of TV desk there is only one thing I can say for this listing...CUNTER. 11.15 Ruby Wax's Commercial Breakdown 11.45 Rugby Union 12.25 FILM: The Dogs of War 2.25 Top of the Pops 2.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Golf: Walker Cup 12.15 Great Speeches 12.30 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 1.00 Racing from Haydock 2.35 The Flying Gardener 2.50 FILM: The Seven Year Itch 4.30 Golf: Walker Cup 5.10 Flog It! 6.00 The Flying Gardener 6.10 Gardeners' World 7.10 International Football Live: Italy v Wales. Excellent I can watch both these games tonight. Time for those GR predictions, Sports Desk:”A kid in a paedophile sanctuary has more chance than Wales in the San Siro”. Quite what a paedophile sanctuary is in actuality is best left inside Sports Desk’s head I think.

Gaffer? “I feel the tide has turned and is now flowing away from Wales”. Hopefully washing your metaphors out to sea with all the other turds.

10.00 FILM: The French Connection Ooh good car chases and stuff. Watch this peeps.

11.40 Celebdaq 12.10 FILM: Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Home Learning Come Outside Summer Omnibus

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 The V Festival 2003 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.05 HTV News and Weather 1.10 On the Ball 2.15 The Magnificent Seven 3.15 FILM: Murder in a Small Town 5.05 HTV News 5.20 ITV News 5.30 You've Been Framed!

6.20 Junior Eurovision Song Contest 2003 Now really, whats this all about?

7.20 Pop Idol 8.35 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.35 It'll Be Alright on the Night A question: Is Dennis Norden actually just a corpse on a stick, Weekend at Bernies style? I’ve studied this show several times and I still can’t decide.

10.35 Junior Eurovision Song Contest 2003 Don’t we get vote for the UK entry like in the proper (in the closest sense of word) contest? Did I miss that bit or what?

10.55 ITV Weekend News 11.10 FILM: Rudy: The Rudy Giuliani Story Oh my god! He has a bloody film made about him starring James Woods!

Does that mean if terrorist kill all TV desk except me and my response is to witter on about friggin’ Churchill all the time I get my own movie? I think Jason Lee could do me justice..1.00 FILM: Man of the House 2.35 CD:UK 3.25 Turn On Terry

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 F3 on 4 7.30 Trans World Sport 8.30 World Rally: Australia 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Cricket Show 10.40 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa 12.45 The Lunch Break 1.25 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa 1.55 Test Cricket and Channel 4 attheraces 4.05 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi Egg-tossing and genral male groping from around the world. Bad things about Wales no.143: An obsession with a really crap sport which doesn’t decrease even though they’re now crap at it.

7.20 Newyddion 7.30 ...Ooh a mystery programme, my guess is Gywdach y Pooych, the moving story of a farmer in North Wales who shits in bucket.

9.45 Pen Tennyn Drama series about a family living in a seaside town in North Wales. See, the real listings are even less exciting. S4C is so unbelievably pony you can only imagine the horror.

10.15 FILM: Desperado Antonio Banderas, Selma Hayek, not much plot, some good gunfights. Average action fodder.

12.15 World Rally 1.00 World Rally 1.15 Today at the Test 1.45 Heavy TV 2.45 FILM: Same River Twice Featherstone. 4.15 KOTV

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Beast Wars 8.25 Roobarb 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.25 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 RAD 11.00 The Adventures of Sinbad 11.55 The Tribe 12.55 Popular 1.50 Our Hero 2.20 USA High 2.45 Flaunt Chart Show 3.15 Home and Away Omnibus 5.20 FILM: Pokemon: The Movie 2000 Pokemon collector Lawrence III will become the greatest Pokemon trainer on Earth if he can only capture and tame the dangerous Lugia, but Ash knows that Lugia's powers are more than Lawrence can handle, so he does everything he can to deter him. And I just thought it was a clever way to con money out of gullible kids.

7.10 Charmed Drama 8.00 Alias Action 8.50 five news 9.05 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.00 Law and Order: 10.55 9/11: A Tale of Two Towers Soundtrack by Jefferson Aeroplane 12.55 Boxing Classics I: Joe Frazier v Jimmy Ellis and George Foreman v Ron Lyle 1.35 Boxing Classics II: Muhammad Ali v Jerry Quarry 2.20 Boxing: Fight of the Week 3.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 4.20 That 70s Show

FILM: Rudy: The Rudy Giuliani Story ITV1 11.10pm

Saturday 6 September

Television

September 1 2003

Page 19

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Sunday 7 September BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 TV Mail 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 BBC News 12.05 'Allo 'Allo 12.30 Keeping Up Appearances 1.00 FILM: The Wind in the Willows 2.25 EastEnders 4.20 Points of View 4.35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5.00 Songs of Praise Hymns include Ode To Canned Food (For Harvest Festival), Go Tell the Pope Where To Go Henry VIII, Dreary Durge Be Thy Name and Rich, White, Middle Class and Dull.

5.35 Fame Academy II I like the guy who thinks he’s in the Libertines. Deluded on so many levels...

6.35 Antiques Roadshow Posh twats hawk their tat, get told it’s worth thousands, show no emotion cos they’re so loaded anyway and then go home and put it the attic where it stays until they die.

7.20 Only Fools and Horses 8.40 Fame Academy II 9.00 FILM: Heat De Niro and Al Pacino team up with Val Kilmer0 (?!!) who proves that even sharing the screen with living legends doesn’t inspire him above his usual mediocre standard.

10.00 BBC News 10.15 FILM: Heat 12.00 FILM: A Prayer in the Dark 1.30 The Sky at Night 2.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.20 Bill and Ben 6.30 CBBC: Arthur 6.55 TazMania 7.15 Looney Tunes 7.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Grandstand 10.35 Golf: Walker Cup 10.45 World Superbikes 11.50 Golf: Walker Cup 1.15 Burghley Horse Trials 2.25 World Superbikes 3.15 Golf: Walker Cup 5.30 Scrum V 6.30 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em “Ooh Betty” says Sports Desk, crouching in the corner, giggling manically.

7.00 FILM: Henry VIII and his Six Wives Shagging, killing and generally flipping the bird to his Popeness, Henry sure knew how to party.

9.00 Towering Ambitions Oh christ its the 9th of November memorial TV (I refuse to conform to that 9/11 crap, although I seem to have just done that, damn). Note: Sports Desk made me write this by holding a loaded stapler to head.

10.00 FILM: Eye of the Beholder Directed by the same guy who did Pricilla: Queen of Desert, so it could be good.

11.40 Moto GP 12.40 FILM: The Human Jungle 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Youth Nation: Open Up Your World 4.00 Languages: Buongiorno Italia 11-12 5.00 Make Your Mark

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Fingertips 9.45 The Big Bang 10.05 Art Attack 10.30 Fingertips 10.50 The Little Bang 11.00 The Apostles 11.30 My Favourite Hymns 12.30 Tongues of Fire 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.10 Belonging 2.00 HTV News and Weather 2.05 Soccer Sunday 2.35 International Motor Sport 3.00 Hornblower 5.00 Grass Roots 5.30 HTV News 5.45 Jacob's Ladder 6.15 ITV News 6.35 You've Been Framed!

7.00 Coronation Street's Greatest Exits No.112, A “camel toe” is clearly visable as Tracy Shaw leaves the Rovers in a tight skirt. Camel toe...(snigger).

7.30 Coronation Street Sparks fly between Sarah, Todd and Peter as their threeway electic nipple clamps short circuit.

8.00 Heartbeat Is there more to Vernon's new chauffeur than meets the eye? Well he can change the radio station without using his hands.

Hmm...

9.00 The Booze Cruise 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.05 The South Bank Show 12.10 Faultlines 12.55 FILM: The Stars Fell on Henrietta 2.45 Trisha 3.40 World Sport

Film: Heat BBC1 9pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 Insektors 7.10 Bagpuss 7.25 Bug Alert!

7.50 Pelswick 8.15 Totally Spies! 8.40 Spider-Man 9.05 Taina 9.35 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10.30 Cricket 12.45 Y Clwb 1.45 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa 6.35 Pobol y Cwm 8.30 Portreadau: Meirion MacIntyre Huws Huws 9.00 Dwy Ysgol... Dau Fyd? Documentary comparing a rural, mainly Welsh-speaking junior school and an urban school where the majority of pupils only speak English.

Crikey, S4C is all about action-packed viewing tonight.

Feel that adrenaline coursing through your veins...

10.05 Newyddion 10.20 The Games 11.55 The Games 1.00 Today at the Test 1.30 World Rally 1.55 FILM: Water Drops on Burning Rocks Drama about the love quadrangle that exists between a middle-aged businessman, his transsexual exlover, a young drifter and his girlfriend. Blimey, you only need a goat and you’ve got one of Sports Desk’s ‘special’ films.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Milkshake! 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Babar 9.25 Redwall 9.55 Wishbone 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Revelations 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 1.05 five news update 1.15 Divine Designs 1.45 FILM: Columbo: The Most Dangerous Match 3.10 FILM: Big Jim McLain 4.55 At Home with the Eubanks 5.25 At Home with the Eubanks 5.55 five news 6.05 FILM: The Addams Family 8.00 Beckham Abroad - A Survival Guide 9.00 FILM: Ransom 11.20 World's Wildest Police Videos 12.20 NFL Kick-off Concert 1.00 Major League Baseball 4.05 Major League Baseball Replay

AUTUMN HIGHLIGHTS STUDENT Membership

= money off

tre leading thea s ’ f f i d r a C @

to eat... watch a show... ng thi me so ve ha ... ng alo ...come cast... ... have a drink... meet the k! ... have another drin Join today and get to see two shows of your choice absolutely Free!

I Shot Buffalo Bill

(Thur 25 - Sat 27 Sep at 8pm)

Hijinx Theatre explores the impact that the Wild West roadshow had on Cardiff.

Caitlin

(Tues 7 Oct at 8pm) ONE NIGHT ONLY

Sherman Theatre Company presents the renowned one-woman show about the wife of Dylan Thomas.

Splott On The Landscape

ONLY

(Sat 11 Oct at 7.30pm) ONE NIGHT

A scintillating circus cabaret from NoFit State Circus.

Rhona Cameron

(Fri 17 Oct at 7.30pm) ONE NIGHT ONLY

Hannah & Hanna

(Wed 15 Oct at 8pm) ONE NIGHT ONLY

The star of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ in her new show.

In this critically acclaimed play, two girls develop a friendship potentially capable of over-riding the bigotry that surrounds them.

The Restaurant is open every day.

Check out the All Day Breakfast!

Dave Gorman

(Fri 31 Oct & Sat 1 Nov at

7.30pm)

The star of two hit BBC2 series and a multi-award-winning comic is back.

A View From The Bridge

(Mon 3 - Wed 5 Nov)

A story of passion, betrayal and tragedy from Clwyd Theatr Cymru.

Get 10% off drinks at the bar all year round!

John Hegley

(Sat 29 Nov at 7.30pm) ONE NIGHT ONLY

One of the country’s most innovative comic artists returns to the Sherman.

BOX OFFICE: The Sherman is also one of Cardiff’s top venues for stand-up comedy!

029 2064 6900 MINICOM:

029 2064 6909

www.shermantheatre.co.uk

Page 20

Free Stuff

September 1 2003

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Possibly the laziest page in GR history but here are some offers to sate your Hypervalue fuelled appetite 4 bargains

GR teams up with website From the 22nd September students right across South Wales will have the chance to 'livefree4aweek' just by logging onto the internet!

Every week, even during the holidays one student will win to the value of £200 - Free Rent, Free Food, Free Booze, Free Mobile Phone Vouchers, Free CDs/DVDs (terms and conditions apply) just by registering their details online.

The draw will be made @ 5pm every Friday. The

winners name will then be posted on the site and printed in G.R. Don’t forget to check out photos of the winners in the hall of fame and make sure you enter because if you don’t, you can just be sure that one of your mates will win! www.livefree4aweek.net goes live on Sept 22nd with the first draw being made the following week.

Get There

September 1 2003

Page 21

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

LIVE MUSIC EVENTS COMING UP IN CARDIFF

The Flaming Lips: Igniting the CIA

Super Furry Animals: One good reason to go to Newport

Thursday 25/09

Guided By Voices @ Clwb Ifor Bach £8

Saturday 27/09

Elbow @ Bristol University £14 Their new album is the most beautiful thing you’ll hear all year. Buy ticket now.

Mountaineers @ Barfly £5 Beautiful, clunky acoustic pop that takes all the best bitd of The Beta Band and Gomez and leaves out the bullshit.

Starsailor @ Students Union £15

Monday 29/09

The Rapture @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol £9

Tuesday 30/09 Simple Kid @ Barfly £4

Saturday 04/10

The Keys @ Clwb Ifor Bach £6 Ocean Colour Scene @ Students Union £See box office

Sunday 05/10

Atomic Kitten: Not so Super, possibly a little furry

The Darkness @ Solus £Sold out Mis-Teeq @ St. David’s Hall £16.50

Monday 06/10 The Sleepy Jackson @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol £7

Wednesday 08/10

Funeral For A Friend @ Bristol University £8.50

£10

Friday 17/10

Kosheen @ Student’s Union £12.50

Sunday 19/10

Athlete @ Student’s Union £9 Dull Londeners play rubbish reggae-pop in your Union. You should feel insulted.

Monday 20/10 Six By Seven@ Barfly £6

Friday 10/10

Wednesday 22/10

Tuesday 14/10

Friday 24/10

The Wannadies @ Barfly £8

The Thrills @ Student’s Union £9

Wednesday 15/10

Prefferred Method of Movement @ Barfly £4 Super Furry Animals @ City Live Arena, Newport £15

Thursday 16/10

Damien Rice @ Clwb Ifor Bach

Hundred Reasons @ MS1 £TBA

Bowling For Soup @ Patti Pavillion, Swansea £11

Sunday 26/10

The Flaming Lips @ Cardiff International Arena £17.50 Miss this and you’re a fucking tosser.

Wednesday 29/10

Simply Red @ Cardiff International Arena £35

Paul Weller: The Modfather hits Bristol

Meat Loaf: Enormous and furry

Sunday 02/11

Sunday 23/11

Friday 14/11

Monday 24/11

Evanescence @ Cardiff International Arena £16 Nelly @ Cardiff International Arena £24

Saturday 15/11

Meat Loaf @ Cardiff International Arena £Sold out

Sunday 16/11

Daniel Beddingfield @ Carling Academy, Bristol £TBA

Radiohead@ Cardiff International Arena £Sold out Radiohead’s recent albums might be complete chaff, but they’re still one of the greatest live acts around. Shame it’s sold out then eh?

Wednesday 26/11

Blue @ Cardiff International Arena £24.75

Atomic Kitten @ Cardiff International Arena £18.50

Monday 16/11

Friday 05/12

Blue @ Cardiff International Arena £24.75 Juat in case one night wasn’t enough.

Tuesday 17/11

Blue @ Cardiff International Arena £24.75 Just in case two nights wasn’t enough.

Saturday 22/11

Jools Holland @ Cardiff International Arena £Call venue The Coral @ Carling Academy, Bristol £14

Paul Weller @ Colston Hall, Bristol £TBA

Monday 15/12

Iron Maiden@ Cardiff International Arena £25

Wednesday 17/12

Madness @ Cardiff International Arena £24.50

Saturday 20/12

Stereophonics @ Millennium Stadium £27.50

Comment & Analysis

Page 22

September 1 2003

Battered in Belgrade grsport@hotmail.com

Mark Hughes and Wales suffer Euro 2004 set back in Serbia

By Nick Byrne Sports Writer THE PROSPECTS for Wales Euro 2004 qualification campaign had looked good. They now go into the most crucial of matches of their history with some doubts hanging over them.

After losing 1-0 away to Serbia and Montenegro, Mark Hughes and his men face a tricky month with three crucial games.

The side have suffered another blow in their preparations for the crucial away game against the mighty Italians and the home tie versus Finland with Craig Bellamy becoming the latest player to join John Hartson and Andy Melville as injury doubts.

If Wales are to have any chance of getting something in Milan, Hartson s name needs to be on the teamsheet.

In Belgrade, Nathan Blake, gave his all but struggled to make any sort

of impact, failing to hold the ball long enough for Giggs, Bellamy and co to join in the attack.

Easy as it is to look back and criticise, it s hard to fathom why Hughes left Blake toiling alone for so long up front. It was only after going a goal behind that Wales started to play with the kind of passion that has served them so well in the competition.

An indication of the task Wales face was shown when Italy beat World Cup finalists Germany 1-0 in Stuttgart.

Giovanni Trappatoni, Italy s coach was understandably delighted at Wales s loss, we had important news from Belgrade, now it is our job to go to Milan and win against Wa l e s w e have to take another step forward against Wales.

Italy have encountered their own injury setback with Roma captain Francesco Totti doubtful for the game.

With striking options that include

Vieri, del Piero, Montella and Delvecchio, the Azzurri frontline is sure to be a handful.

Despite the daunting prospect of facing one of the world s footballing superpowers in the San Siro, Ryan

“We beat Italy once and we can beat them again.”

Ryan Giggs Giggs insists Wales must take confidence from their 2-1 win over the Italians last October. We beat Italy once and we can beat them again.

They will remember and be afraid of what they faced at the Millennium Stadium and hopefully we can put on another performance like that, said the Wales winger. We frightened

them to death in that game, so if we have that attitude again we can do the same. We have three games to go and we still have a great chance. I think we can still win the group, we have to believe that added the Manchester United star.

After the Milan game, Wales close their qualifying campaign with home matches against Finland and Serbia and Montenegro.

If they fail to capitalise on their excellent start they could be facing the likes of Holland, Turkey or even England in the lottery of the play-offs.

Italy face a trip to a rejuvenated Serbia followed by what should be an easy home tie against Azerbaijan. It was Alex Ferguson who once claimed that the mark of a great team is shown in their reaction to defeat. It is up to one of his prot g s to prove that the Wales of now can live up to the Wales of 1958 and ensure their status as a great Wales side.

Bellamy will be a massive loss

City charge continues Europe is next target for ambitious Sam

By Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Ed. CHAMPAGNE, STREET parties and hangovers have all come and passed over the grounds of Ninian Park Stadium since Andy Campbell’s play-off winner last May. But now the fun stops and the Division One adventure begins.

Ambitious Bluebirds supremo Sam Hammam has bankrolled the Welsh club s return to the first Division after an absence of 18 years, and sees this promotion as merely a stepping stone to a big future.

We have the ability as a club to compete with the best in Europe and that is my only interest said the outspoken Lebanese saviour who has no intention of letting the sleeping giant of British football lay dormant any longer.

Failure at the play-off stage in 2002 halted the City charge through the divisions and though the ghost was emphatically laid to rest in the Millennium Stadium last season with Campbell s late strike, Hammam is vocal in his desires for the Welsh club to continue progressing.

If we are not in the Premiership within the next few years where we are challenging for Europe then we are not doing the business and having plunged £150million into a new 60,000 capacity stadium, fans favourite Sam is offering more than hollow words.

Rotherham s Alan Lee is the latest recruit for Lennie Lawrence s promotion army. The £850,000 striker is linking up with John Robinson and Tony Vidmar as key weapons for the Bluebirds promotion assault.

But a tough time was expected on the Blues return to the big-time, and promptly delivered with the Welshmen suffering a beleaguered start on their arrival in the upper echelons of league

football A disappointing goalless draw away at Rotherham before a 2-0 defeat to Bradford issued a stern reminder to the valley boys that the comfort zone of Division Two is long gone.

However, a fantastic 2-1 mid-week victory over Nottingham Forest, followed up by Lee s first strike in the 41 demolition of Derby County has allowed a genuine sense of optimism to spread among the Ninian Park faithful.

Ninian Park has long been the intimidating fortress of Cardiff City. The beating heart of the Bluebirds, it has installed terror and fear in opponents even when the home side has generated little of either on the pitch.

And though the concrete and corrugated iron haven is soon to be reduced to rubble, the stadium that housed the FA Cup on it s only stay outside England in 1927 is indestructible in memories.

But as the ever astute Hammam pointed out football is not played in the past, and with a new squad, stadium and burning desire supported by an open cheque-book, Cardiff City may well have an even brighter future.

Hammam demands success

Sport

September 1 2003

Page 23

grsport@hotmail.com

A word from the President...

Athletics Union President Tom Brown welcomes the new sporting year

“

As A.U. President 200304 I am proud to welcome each and every student to the Cardiff University Athletic Union.

The A.U. currently operates 51 different clubs covering a whole range of sports from mainstream team sports such as rugby and football to more diverse individual activities such as surfing and sub aqua.

Every sports club is supported financially and structurally by the Athletic Union, who have a strong commitment to promoting sport within Cardiff University. The sports that the A.U. offer are not only geared towards those students who want to play competitively, but for all levels of ability from absolute beginner to highly experienced elite athletes.

University sport is unique in that whilst the AU help provide clubs with facilities and guidance, they are

all run by individual Cardiff Student Committees, who are in charge of developing and managing their own clubs success. Not only is managing a club a great practical experience to have it is also an impressive asset on your CV. The AU is proud of the diversity of sports that it offers our students, especially when you consider that Cardiff does not teach sports as a degree. Yet year after year our clubs produce outstanding results and continue to represent Cardiff in such a positive light through their commitment to sport.

As A.U. President I urge all freshers to join and become active members of A.U. clubs and I promise you that joining a sports club will make you friends, keep you fit and most certainly enrich your experience at Cardiff University. I look forward to seeing you at the

Sports Fair!

Here are some dates to look out for:

well as A.U. members encouraged to attend morning lectures wearing whatever sports kit they wish. This campaign is to promote the awareness of sport in the university as well as support for the Global Football Challenge in aid of the Red Cross Disaster Fund. The day will end up with raffle prizes and fun in Solus.

Annual

A.U.

Auction

—

Wednesday 12th November 2003 (TBC). Organised by the two A.U. Vice Presidents. Clubs are expected to volunteer members to put up for auc-

tion as well as submitting themselves to public displays of humiliation by demonstrating your talents in dancing and singing!!!

The Search For The Baylord Saturday 1st and Sunday 2nd November 2003. An awesome windsurfing weekend of fun and frolics in the bay attended by hundreds of students from universities across the UK. Organised by Cardiff University Windsurf Club.

”

VARSITY - Wednesday 18th February 2004. The annual sporting clash between Cardiff University and Swansea University. The finale of this event is the battle of the rugby teams at Bridgend Rugby Stadium. Last year over 4000 people watched a triumphant Cardiff take the crown. An event not to be missed!

A.U. Awards Ball — Saturday 13th March 2004 (TBC). Date for the annual awards ball held in the Great Hall. A spectacular black tie evening where the successes and achievements of A.U. clubs and members are recognised and rewarded.

Get Your Kit ON Wednesday 22nd October 2003. All students as

The Varsity team celebrate their unexpected victory

A whole different ball game Last year’s IMG Chairman Billy Lee looks forward to another year of the University’s inter-department sports competition AS A NEW academic year approaches, the realisation dawns that something far more important is in the offing.

That, of course, is the impending start of IMG 2003/4.

For those who are unaware, IMG stands for Inter Mural Games and involves a yearlong competition in both football and netball for Cardiff University departments and groups of friends to enjoy Wednesday afternoons.

As last year s IMG Chair I thought it would be worth giving you all a quick preview of the season as I see it panning out.

Of course, what must be considered is which of the 32 football teams and

To register a team in this year s IMG competitions or sign up with the Athletic Union, go to the Sports Fair in the Great Hall in the Student s Union on Friday, September 26th between 10am and 4pm.

It s first come, first served so turn up early with your chequebooks. If you need any further information, contact this year s IMG Chair Beca Murphy on MurphyB2@cf.ac.uk or phone on 02920 781439 from 22 September onwards.

18 netball teams will be celebrating when the trophies are handed out in early April.

Football Life will be tough for defending football champions Accountancy, who have seen many of their formidable squad finish their degrees and go in search of real jobs.

Former dominating factors of

IMG, Jomec and Carbs A will be eager to put to rights poor seasons last year.

Law A, under the captaincy of last season s IMG Player of the Year Marc Cahill, may be a good outside bet for glory. Then, of course, there s the team everyone loves to hate, Momed.

They may not be the most popular team out there but they play good football. Don t rule them out.

Netball Defending netball champions Carbs A go into the new season with much the same squad as last year and will fancy their chances of repeating last year s success when they finally broke UWC A s monopoly.

However, if I were a betting man I would put my money on Psychology to claim the crown this year. They finished the season the strongest of all their competitors last year and claimed the consolation prize of the Knockout Cup. As an outside bet I might fancy Pharmacy. They are always there or thereabouts at the end of the season, maybe this is the year they will end up

with something to show for their efforts.

Finally I cannot talk about IMG Netball without mentioning Phist.

They won t win anything but they do

have, without rival, the best name.

Surely that counts for something.

Remember, to quote a very cheesy gameshow line, you ve gotta be in it to win it .

“we have the ability as a club to compete with the best in Europe,”

BUSA news

Flying Bluebirds

New AU President Tom Brown gives us the lowdown on all things BUSA. Page 23

After promotion we look at how Cardiff City are coping with the 1st Division.

Page 22

Sam Hammam, Page 22.

September 1 2003 - Issue 742 Lonely: Hansen feeling the strain on and off the field

email gsport@hotmail.com

Swans and Robins off to a flyer WITH THE new football season underway, it is clear that Welsh club football is in a good state of health.

Along with Cardiff City s impressive start, both Swansea City and Wrexham have begun the new term by recording some exciting performances both home and away.

After only clinging to their league status by a whisker last season, Swansea, under the management of Brian Flynn have gone from rags to riches.

And, after securing the services of players like Roberto Martinez and Leon Briton, Swans fans are guaranteed another rollercoaster season.

James Thomas hat-trick on the last day of

last season was followed up by another from Brad Maylett, one of Flynn s signings from Burnley, on the first Saturday of the campaign in a 4-2 win over Bury.

This was followed by another hat-trick from former Wrexham striker Lee Trundle at Cheltenham. His strikes came in the nick of time as the Swans recovered from 3-1 down to win 4-3.

The Jacks then went top of the third division after a 3-0 win over Boston at the Vetch Field which saw over 9,000 fans go through the turnstiles, a reflection of the way the side has approached the new season, with attacking play at the forefront.

Wrexham, meanwhile began with three

cleansheets and then followed that up with a superb 3-2 win against Sheffield Wednesday at Hillsborough.

Denis Smith s side, which now includes former Spurs striker Chris Armstrong and Welsh international Chris Llewelyn, are looking to make it two successive promotions after third place in division three last time round.

With the attacking play of Carlos Edwards on the right wing Robins fans could be seeing a lot of goal action this campaign.

With Wales on the cusp of Euro 2004, it looks as if it will be another exciting season for the Welsh.

David Williams

Woeful Wales

Hansen’s men flop to eleventh straight loss NOTHING IN Welsh rugby ever seems to be straightforward, and preparations for this year’s World Cup appear to be going the same way.

Following defeats to Ireland and England, Coach Steve Hansen and his side are now facing a struggle to qualify from their World Cup pool, something, which should be a formality.

If the regional upheavals of the Welsh game hadn’t caused enough problems for Hansen, his side could now face embarrassment at the hands of Canada, Italy and Tonga.

The humiliation after the 43-9 loss

to bitter rivals England at the Millennium Stadium was felt by most of the 60,000 plus crowd, very few of which had also witnessed an experimental Wales lose 35-12 in Dublin.

And, if things weren’t going to plan for Steve Hansen on the pitch, relations with the public and the press off it are at an all time low.

The desperation of match ticket promotions at Tesco, an expletive fuelled press conference before the England game and a fruitless, some would say pointless tour of Australia and New Zealand, have all added to the low levels of confidence of the team and the

By David Williams, Sports Ed. public.

On the playing side of things, morale couldn’t be any worse after a full strength side were demolished by an England side which didn’t feature any of the team who won both of their Tests down under.

A five try to nil margin in favour of Clive Woodward’s second string XV will give the England coach a number of selection headaches due to the massive competition for places.

For Steve Hansen, selection problems are on a totally different level. It

would seem that not even Gareth Edwards, Phil Bennett or JPR Williams in their pomp could save such a weak Wales side.

From their World Cup warm-up matches so far it is hard to see in what areas Wales don’t need to improve on.

With a constantly changing squad for each match, the consistency, obviously, is a major problem. Whilst very few of the players have played in all of the ‘friendly’ matches so far, teams such as Australia and New Zealand have been competing for top honours in the Tri Nations at a higher intensity of rugby.

And, after losing 55-3 to the All Blacks earlier in the Summer, Wales can look forward to the daunting prospect of another meeting in the pool stages of the World Cup against a side who can afford to leave the likes of Lomu, Mehrtens and Cullen at home.

Only time will tell whether Wales will rise to the challenge that faces them in the World Cup, but it’s going to be an uphill challenge that lies ahead of Steve Hansen’s men. With the game’s major powers surging ahead, the Welsh will have to be careful not to slip into the precipice.

GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMAN AND COMPANY LTD, NEWARK ROAD, PETERBOROUGH, PE1 5TD ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ I’VE GOT BUSINESS CARDS AND YOU CAN CALL ME THE GAFFER ■ AN ARAB REVIVAL IS IMMINENT-WESTERN INFIDELS WILL PERISH ■ GOODNIGHT DAVE, OH YOU’VE ALREADY