gair rhydd - Issue 744

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

Sport The IMG crisis - the AU plan to merge teams as seven face the axe

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

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ISSUE 744. OCTOBER 4

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Arrested Sport p. 25-28

John Collingridge News Ed

A CARDIFF student dramatically attempted a citizen’s arrest on Tony Blair at the Labour Party Conference on Tuesday afternoon.

Ian Brown, 41, a creative writing MA student, made the move as the PM walked past with his wife.

Tony Blair was on his way to deliver his speech to a packed crowd at the Bournemouth International

and bundled him away, but his actions were caught by the national press including a nearby bank of TV cameras.

The £2.2m security operation surrounding the conference was codenamed Pegasus.

It involved the drafting in of 700 officers in Dorset Police’s biggest ever security task.

Mr Brown’s move brought varied reactions from the press; The Sun labelled him a ‘nut’, while The Independent called him an “anti war dele-

gate.”

M r Brown has since b e e n released by Dorset Police without charge.

Ian Brown Following the incident Mr Blair personally thanked the officers who prevented Ian Brown from reaching him.

“Thank you very much for what you did,” he said. “It was done very discreetly.”

“Blair and other politicians believe they are above the law” Protester

Centre.

Mr Brown shouted the words, “I am arresting you on the charge of war crimes against the people of Iraq.”

Officers and security guards were quick to react

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW - PAGE 2

Cardiff student attempts citizen’s arrest on Blair

News

October 4 2003

Page 2

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Times a glance tables

At

News Student politics Cobley Editorial Letters Listings Media Taf Od TV listings Sport

1-6 7 8 9 10 10 12 13 15 25-28

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson NEWS Peter Bramwell, Anna Hodgekiss, John Collingridge POLITICAL EDITOR Andy Caldicott EDITORIAL AND OPINION Rhys James SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, David Williams GET THERE Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Andy Parsons, John Widdop, Holly Howitt-Dring LETTERS & CROSSWORD James Anthony BIG WIN CIRCUS Position unfilled TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Thomas Little MEDIA Gary Andrews CONTRIBUTORS Mark Giles, Nick Byrne, James Woodroof, Tom Brown, Lucy O’Neil, Sarah Millward, Ed Walker, Luise Ventress, Alison White, Alice East, Susan Dorag, Sylvia Traganida, Rhiannon Spellman, Sian Robbins, Claire Woods, Fara Ahmed, Sarah Gregory, Dan Keel, Emily Knightley, Naomi Blight, Mark Cobley, A.J. Silvers.

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

By Ed Walker Reporter

CARDIFF’S POSITION as one of Britain’s leading universities received a national endorsement from the Sunday Times University Guide in its most recent publication.

In the Sunday Times assessment of British universities, Cardiff was short-listed for university of the year.

The prestigious nomination was decided upon after Cardiff finished a record 16th place in the Sunday Times assessment.

The rise from last year’s 25th place has been attributed to a variety of factors, the most important being a huge increase in the university’s teaching assessment scores.

Cardiff is the f irst Welsh University to be nominated for the award. The nomination comes as no great shock, with 15 of the university’s 21 subjects assessed rated excellent since 1995.

The newspaper pointed to the

regeneration of the city centre and investment in the University estate as important elements in the nomination.

The league table has a strict assessment criteria, with teaching and research quality, degree results achieved, student/staff ratios, graduate employment levels and university drop out grades considered.

There was particular success for the department of City and Regional Planning, cited as the best department of its kind in the UK. Alongside the eventual winner York, Cardiff was joined on the shortlist by Loughborough, Exeter and Oxford Brookes.

Head of undergraduate admissions, David Roylance, feels that the nomination is “further recognition of Cardiff University as one of the leading universities in the UK.” The future is looking good for the university; the growth in size, quality and prestige ensure Cardiff will be a candidate for this award, and others, for the foreseeable future.

New gene centre for SOSCI

By Luise Ventress Reporter THE UNIVERSITY’S School of Social Sciences unveiled a new genetic technology research centre last week.

Opened by First Minister Rhodri Morgan, the building will help society to understand the social and economic impact of new genetic technologies.

The CESAGen (Centre for Economic and Social Aspects of Genomics) will research areas including ethics and regulation, innovation and economics, and responsibility and risk in relation to the study of DNA (genomics).

Funded by the economic and social research council, the venture is an example of a successful collaboration between The University of Wales College of Medicine, the hands-on science education centre, Techniquest and Cardiff University.

When opening the centre, Mr Morgan, AM said, “The wealth of expertise in Cardiff will enable Wales to move to the forefront of this important field of study.”

Professor Paul Atkinson, associate director of the Cardiff based CESAGen centre said, “Issues such as genetic testing, genetic screening and the diagnosis of genetic diseases are seldom far from the headlines.”

UWIC Glamorgan merger talks collapse

By Alison White Reporter TALKS OVER the proposed merger between UWIC and the University of Glamorgan are close to collapse, casting the future of both universities into doubt.

With both institutions competing for the top spot and the post of vice chancellor unresolved, talks have now broken down with no explanation given.

The Western Mail reported growing speculation that UWIC wanted its vice chancellor to automatically get the top job, rather than it being advertised.

Delaying the merger from its planned date of August 1, 2004 has created fear that recruiting students will be hard while the universities’ futures are unclear.

UWIC officials were upbeat in an official statement. “It is hoped meetings of the two boards of governors can be arranged before October.”

If this deadline is missed the merger will be delayed until 2005.

Student attempts citizen’s arrest on PM

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW from front page

IAN BROWN told gair rhydd how he got close to the British premier and the motivation behind his actions.

From the living room of his suburban Cardiff flat, the mild-mannered and well-spoken Mr Brown spoke of his eventful day at the Labour conference.

He said, “I was sitting inside the

main complex on a bench, only about 30 yards from entrance to the hall.

“The cabinet passed by me, and I kept expecting to be moved on. But there was very little security, and no one paid a blind bit of notice to me.

“Mr Blair was strolling down towards the main hall where he was to give his speech. He was with his wife and accompanied by a couple of security men.”

Mr Brown stressed that his actions were in no way violent or intended to cause harm.

“My original intention had been to disrupt the main speech, but I couldn’t get in as it was a ticket only event.

“Once the Blairs had passed I stood up and walked towards the PM, saying clearly the words “Mr Blair, this is a citizen’s arrest. I am arresting you on the charge of war crimes against the people of Iraq.”

His actions were captured by a bank of TV cameras and watched by millions.

Mr Brown told how he was was arrested. “The police immediately reacted and pushed me back. I was looking at Blair and he didn’t react in the slightest; he just carried on walking.”

This is not the first time Mr Brown has taken direct action in the name of a political cause. His principles have led him to take part in demos at RAF Fairford base and

Piccadilly Circus.

He has been involved in projects in Cambodia, Ethiopia, and Egypt, and holds strong feelings on the Iraq situation having spent two-and-a-half years there running an education project with Iranian prisoners-ofwar.

Mr Brown said, “The reason I did it was because I find Blair and almost all politicians in general arrogant to the point that they find themselves above the law.

“Although they are supposed to represent the public they simply do not listen to their opinion.

“We are entering what seems almost a pre-fascist state. Politicians have become more and more powerful and subsequently separated from the police.

“Decisions are made by fewer and fewer people. Policies not in manifestos are simply being introduced.

Civil liberties are being suspended and rights eroded.

“I believe in non-violent direct action, confronting those in power and my actions were to demonstrate that our leaders need to, and can be challenged directly.”

Mr Brown also drew attention to the security lapse that allowed him to get so close to the PM. At the time of going to press noone from No. 10 was available to comment.

News

October 4 2003

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Piracy on the high Taf

By Andy Caldicottllingridge Political Editor IMAGINE BEING telephoned while you’re on holiday by the police to be told your car has been stolen. Worse, being told that your car had been found in Bute Park, parked in the River Taf. This is exactly what happened to Cardiff University student Iwan Horan, who is now faced with police charging him £105 for the privilege of fishing the car out and then £72 a day to keep it in the pound.

Iwan, 26, a postgraduate business student is fuming with the police after they reported his car had been stolen on the August 31.

Mr Horan, of Africa Gardens, Heath, said, "I’ve had my car stolen and instead of catching the culprits, they are charging me for it. If I claim on my insurance I will lose

my no-claims bonus, and the excess is £250.”

The car’s spell in the River Taf will have destroyed any forensic evidence and there was no CCTV footage or witnesses. PC Bob Keohane of South Wales Police believes an arrest is unlikely, suggesting Mr. Horan contacts his insurer and Dragon Removals to arrange the settlement.

But the story doesn’t end there.

A month prior to the incident, police dogs caught a thief breaking into Iwan’s car.

Despite this, he was told by the police NOT to apply for compensation for damage because the culprit wouldn’t be in the financial position to pay it. He heard nothing of the crime again.

The removals company have offered to waive all but the £105 removal fee, which will be cheaper than claiming off the insurance.

Iwan said, “The car was worth less

than the fees and insurance excesses making it a very expensive loss.”

Iwan has tried to lodge a formal complaint, but was told by officers at the Fairwater station he cannot complain by phone or by letter.

Instead, he must go to the station in person to see the officer dealing with the case.

Have you been a victim of crime and had no result from the police?

Contact us! SPHAC@cf.ac.uk

“I’ve had my car stolen and they are charging me for it” Iwan Horan

Police leave student up creek without paddle

New NUS Ride the Carousel cards again

By Sylvia Traganida Reporter

By Alice East and Susan Dorag THE UNIVERSITY’S choice to replace its current NUS card with an all new hi-tech one has left some students in a muddle.

Over the next few weeks the University will be gradually removing the old card from circulation and replacing it with the more advanced ‘Smart’ Card.

These cards have the capacity to store far more information than the old ones. They will function as a visual university ID, as proof of NUS membership, as library cards and to gain access to certain university buildings.

To many students this may seem like one extra hassle in a hectic first few weeks. As jaded second-year Rosey Leech said: "I can’t really see what all the fuss is about. What was wrong with the old system?"

In fact, the new system will benefit

students in many ways. The cards contain ‘Smart’ chips, which are more sophisticated than the magnetic stripes of the old cards. This means that the information stored on them is far more secure.

The machines used for swiping into buildings have also changed. There is a new, easier to use, Proximity Reader scanning system. Dorne Edwards, the Project Manager for the new system, hopes that this will solve problems such as the bottlenecks at the Arts and Social Studies Library entrance, caused by faults in the old system.

First year students will be issued with their cards as part of enrolment.

For other students, old cards must be taken to the TV Lounge on the third floor of the Union building, where they will be exchanged for new ones.

Students will be charged £10.00 if they fail to return their old card. This increase from last year’s £5 replacement fee is due to the increased value of the new NUS card.

OVER THE SUMMER a new name was added to the already crowded list of coffee shops in Cathays.

The Carousel coffee bar opened its doors to the public at the end of June.

However, it opened just as students left for the summer and was forced to close its doors for a period due to the lack of trade.

It sits on Mundy Place a next to the Mackintosh pub, and claims to serve a wide variety of culinary delights.

Owners Lynda Jones and Bevington Magama got the name for the shop after a cruise they went on with the same name.

They claim that with the hot and cold drinks and delicious baguettes, paninis and cakes, they are “the funkiest coffee shop in town” and they invite students “to come and jam with us.”

The Carousel is open seven days a week from eight to eight and is also planning live music nights where

The interior of the Mundy Place Carousel coffee shop customers can bring their own bottle of wine.

Kate Shiells, a first year Spanish student said, “It’s like a cheap Starbucks with comfy sofas and I would definitely recommend it.”

David Wright, a second year accounting student was lounging on one of the sofas and said, “I’ve taken to this place, its a good place to come with your mates for a coffee and a sandwich.”

News

Page 4

October 4 2003

grnews@cf.ac.uk

News In Brief Boy dies in bus accident A 13-year-old boy died near Roath Park Lake last week after an accident involving a double decker bus.

Cardiff High School pupil Luke Tanhai met his fate with the Cardiff Bus at 4.10pm last Monday.

The accident happened as hundreds of schoolchildren made their way home, with several pupils seeing it first hand.

Tributes now appear along Lake Road West and an investigation has been launched to determine exactly what happened.

Police are appealing for witnesses to call 029 2052 7226.

Students in parking row CARDIFF students returning after the summer break have been accused of hogging parking spaces around the Cathays and Roath suburbs.

Residents have been angered by the influx of cars returning to the city after many found themselves with nowhere to park.

One of the worst affected areas is Plasnewydd, in Roath - the most densely packed ward in the country and the home to many university students.

Plasnewydd Councillor Ann Cox recently approached Cardiff University Students’ Union about the problem, stating students should not need cars as everythig is within walking distance.

A Union spokeswoman responded to the complaint explaining a campaign was in the pipeline to encourage students to leave their cars at home.

She did add however, that they do pay rent and have as much right as anyone else.

Bridge boy THE FIRST year student who toppled from the Senghenydd bridge last week is now in a stable condition.

Johnathan Bell, a civil engineering undergraduate, fell 25 feet after trying to balance on top of the bridge.

After a critical period in hospital with multiple injuries, Jonathan is now sitting up and talking.

Set to return to university in two weeks, Johnathan confessed he cannot remember anything of the accident.

NEWS is seeking your tales of dodgy landlords.

We’re hoping to name and shame some of the local landlords and letting agencies after a string of complaints from Cardiff students.

If you have a family of rats or a collapsing house, contact us at gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com

Uni admissions maze

By Rhiannon Spellman and Sian Robbins Reporters A NEW report has highlighted concerns over discrimination within British university admissions.

The study questions whether it is correct for higher education institutions to implement the recently publicised policy of ‘positive discrimination’.

With more young people than ever going to university, now 43%, admissions systems around the country have had to adapt to the increased competition for places. Top institutions in particular have started to make lower grade offers to more disadvantaged students so as to open the door of higher education to a wider spectrum of society.

Students from independent schools and professional families continue to occupy the greater percentage of university places. Critics of the new admissions policies point to the fact that these students are receiving better A-levels: amongst students from unskilled families, 23% achieved two or more A-levels, compared to 47% of those from professional homes.

Hungarians hungry for sex

By Luise Ventress Reporter

Cardiff Uni...the posh building on the prospectus However, with only 19% of the lower socio-economic group attending university, compared with 50% of the higher group, many people have embraced the new system for its efforts to reduce the huge class barriers which overhang higher education in Britain.

The report by Admissions to Higher Education Review Group states that although most applicants are assessed by the quality of examination results and ‘personal state-

ment’, the amount of help available to students in putting together this document varies greatly, which seems somewhat unfair.

The report suggests alternative approaches, such as the use of an aptitude test, like the SAT used in the USA. The American idea that "merit is measured not only by where one stands, but also by how far one had to go to get there" is in many ways a noble one. The difficulty lies in find-

THE WORLD’S largest sex survey has revealed that horny Hungarians are top of the list for frequency of bedroom antics.

With an average of 152 times a year, Hungarians officially have the most sex.

The slightly more reserved Brits are managing to ‘do it’ 135 times a year.

But we are still more frisky than the Singaporeans at 96, Americans at 118 and Germans at 120.

Brits are also keen on finding exciting ways to enhance their sex lives with 44% of females using vibrators and other such toys. 42% of us admit to using pornography and 38% are into bondage and handcuffs.

British people also seem to be quite a promiscuous bunch, with 54% admitting to one night stands, 52% having had phone sex and 42% saying they have faked an orgasm.

Unfortunately however, more than a third of people questioned said that they are unhappy with their sex lives.

Lost for words BOOZE LEAGUE

By Ed Walker Reporter

IN A TRAGIC accident, a student was left devastated last week after cutting off his penis and tongue.

The student from Germany was found after he had drunk a dangerous infusion of hallucinogenic angel’s trumpet plants. The 18-year-old from Halle, Germany, drank tea made from the drug.

His mother said the unnamed teenager was "behaving normally the whole day until he left the house and disappeared into the garden for a couple of minutes".

The emergency doctor found the teenager with a towel wrapped around him and bleeding heavily from his mouth and between his legs. The doctor also found that a re-attachment operation was not an option.

The teenager will have to undergo extensive treatment for both the physical and psychological damage he has suffered.

Angels Trumpets, known for their fragrant and trumpet shaped flowers cannot be dosed, making them particularly dangerous.

It is hoped the craze for the drug currently sweeping Germany will not reach British shores.

Quotes of the Week “My life couldn’t be more wonderful” Michael Douglas: words of a twat, face of a twat, luck of an absolute c**t.

“Whenever I hear eye of the tiger I just want to knock someone out” Brian McFadden: Met this guy?

You really should... on second thoughts he’s fat now, so if Rocky comes on then worry.

Welsh youth at risk from drinking related illnesses

By Claire Woods Reporter YOUNG PEOPLE in Wales are the heaviest drinkers in Britain, according to an alarming new report.

A Wales on Sunday investigation found that Welsh teens as young as 14 see the heavy consumption of alcohol acceptable.

Children as young as ten - eight years lower than legal age for purchasing alcohol, have needed emergencey treatment in hospital for alcohol consumption.

With the peak age range of emergencey alcohol hospital admissions at 15-19, figures show that well over half of 15 and 16 year olds drink at least once a week.

President of the National Association of Head Teachers Cymru, Chris Howard said, "Good-

“The earlier you start drinking the more you put yourself at risk” National Public Health Service for Wales

This is the wrong thing to do... you will spill your drink

time weekend drinking is now well established among Welsh school children by the time they are 14 and 15. It is now very much part of the culture.”

A spokesperson for the National Public Health Service for Wales said, "We are seeing more cases of gastrointestinal problems, including liver damage among younger people and this may be linked to binge drinking.

"The earlier you start drinking, the more you put yourself at risk.”

A national governmental report out this month indicates Welsh youngsters are not alone in their heavy drinking habits.

A spokesman from Number 10’s Strategy unit commented, “16-yearolds are drinking twice as much as they did 10 years ago and a lot more than their European peers.”

News

October 4 2003

Page 5

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Students no longer get 3rd degree from Uni’s

By Farah Ahmad Reporter THIRD-CLASS degrees are gradually becoming extinct, with 94.5% of today’s graduates passing with first or secondclass qualifications.

The number of thirds and passes halved between 1995 and 2002, according to f igures from the Higher Education Statistics Agency.

An annual rise in GCSE and ALevel passes has been linked to the findings, re-igniting the on-going debate of falling examination standards.

Academics have continually expressed concern for the supposed ‘dumbing down’ of the education system and claim a rise in student’s abilities to work hard and achieve.

Duncan McCallum, Academic Secretary for Cambridge University, supports this view.

"Today’s undergraduates are moti-

Surf’s up

By Anna Hodgekiss News Ed A SWANSEA student caught surfing on top of a car in Cardiff has appeared in cour t charged with criminal damage.

The car, which belonged to a Cardiff University student, was parked on Senghennydd Road when the incident occurred last week.

Spotted f irst by university security, the car surfer was also caught on CCTV before being ar rested by police.

PC Bob Keohane urged caution and sense among students, saying: "Students should be able to have fun in Cardiff when walking back to their residences, but they have to be aware that criminal activity will end up with them being arrested, going to court and possibly kicked out of university.

"The Union is the only licensed premises in the area allowed to stay open until 1am.

All the residents woken up by noisy students are aware of this and know if they complain enough the license might be knocked down to 11pm. This will mean less money for the Union and in turn less services."

Recent police statistics show that autocrime which includes damage,

vated because employers are less likely to accept students who had less than a first or upper second," he said.

Mr McCallum also claims the current generation of students are better taught and more competitive than their predecessors.

But despite its poor ranking,

and theft to and from vehicles, accounts for nearly 30% of all reported crime in the South Wales area.

The new police ‘ACT’ strategy aims to reduce autocrime by making life diff icult for the criminal through crime prevention and intelligence-led high prof ile policing.

some still deem the third-class classif ication to be valuable. Alan Smithers, Professor of Education at Liverpool University, said: "Not only does it demonstrate to employers the commitment and ability of that person to study at university, but also their dedication to pursue non-academic activities."

Lloyds Bar opens

By Sarah Gregory Reporter

Swansea student takes joy ‘riding’ to new depths

A NEW Wetherspoon’s pub has opened its doors in Cardiff’s city centre.

And unlike other pubs in the chain, customers at The Crockerton can enjoy music while they eat and drink.

Part of the group’s Lloyds Bar chain, the pub on Greyfriars Road has been a huge hit with university students eager to take advantage of the cheap drinks the company is famous for.

But it appears the introduction of music comes at a price, with food more expensive than other Wetherspoon branches in Cardiff.

Buy-one-get-one-free meals available are on average a pound more expensive at The Crockerton.

It seems punters are not deterred though, with the bar only a stumbling distance to Creation, all of 20 meters away.

Barman Tom Webb said: "There’s been a lot of interest from the students because it’s a new place, but they seem to like it as a place to go before heading off to Creation."

And with more intimate lighting and plasma screens, many customers believe the atmosphere is better than any ordinary Wetherspoon’s.

One customer said: "It may be a little more expensive than the Central or the Prince but there’s actually some atmosphere to speak of here."

Stereophonics to be reunited?

By Dan Keel Reporter STUART CABLE could be set for a shock return to the Stereophonics just one week after being sacked by other band members.

This is the prediction of close friend and Cardiff club owner, Giovanni Malacrino who yesterday said, "Stuart always stands out whenever the band play, and gives them a tremendous energy. They will not be the Stereophonics without him and I think there’s a great chance he will return to the group."

This view along with a statement from lead singer, Kelly Jones, that, "No one will be replacing Stuart as a band member, Stuart is irreplaceable," fuelled speculation that Cable could be on his way back.

Cable, the oldest member of the group at 33 was sacked last week by fellow band members Kelly Jones and Richard Jones with Kelly citing "commitment issues" as the cause of the break-up. Since then Cable has reacted angrily saying, "I am, and always have been, a fully committed member of the Stereophonics and am very upset that Kelly seems to be saying that I was not."

"I underwent a minor operation to remove an abscess whilst in the US and was unable to play two of the gigs.

Kelly and Richard suggested I return to the UK to recuperate. Last Monday Kelly phoned me from the US to tell me they had decided to sack me."

The spilt has hit both parties hard with Kelly keen to stress that the decision had been ‘heart-breaking,’ adding, " Me and Stuart started the band when we were 12. I love him like a brother, but commitment wise there have been issues since ‘Just Enough Education to Perform.’ Myself and Richard miss Stuart already."

The wild-haired drummer last week

released the statement, "I have now been put in the unfortunate position where I have had to put this in the hands of my lawyers." However he also added, "I still want to continue to be a part of the Stereophonics if possible and play on the band’s forth coming UK and European tours."

The band, currently promoting their album, ‘You Gotta Go There to Come Back’ have hired Steve Gorman (exBlack Crowes) to hold the sticks behind the drums for the upcoming shows.

Only a few months ago, the band performed in Cardiff University’s Great Hall before playing in front of 50,000 at Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium.

News

Page 6

October 4 2003

grnews@cf.ac.uk

TV licence Rip-off crew on prowl

Union drinks prices price again

By Farah Ahmad Reporter

THE UNION’S Student Advice Centre is urging people to apply for their television licence before it’s too late.

First year students in particular fall victim to the TV licence inspectors year after year, despite valiant

attempts at hiding the offending item in cupboards and similar places.

There are several ways to purchase a licence, either all in one go or by direct debit. Either way, it’s a ten minutes well spent as BETH WHITFIELD explains below.

“About three weeks into my first year, Talybont was visited by two smiley TV licence representatives who checked each house one by one.

Did I have a TV? Yes. Did I have a licece? No… well, not yet anyway - I was too busy trying to be nice to my new friends to think about small details like that.

“Not to worry,” I was told, “Here’s a number, just call up for a licence.”

By God, how I wish I’d listened to those words. Instead I made the decision that firstly, I didn’t actually use my TV and secondly my money would be better spent elsewhere (i.e. The Taf).

So on my next visit home I took my TV and left it there.

I thought no more about it until several weeks later, when I received a court summons.

In tears, I phoned the helpful people at TV Licensing, explaining I didn’t even have a TV any more.

The lady on the other end robotically replied that it was too late, I’d

been caught, and even if they did check, chances are I’d hide my TV in the wardrobe anyway.

Hanging up the phone in utter desperation it occurred to me that a) I was truly in trouble, and b) had she seen the size of the wardrobes in Talybont?

The prospect of appearing in court was giving me nightmares (I’ve seen the films). So instead I filled in a little form for the nice judge explaining my case and hoped for the best. £106 fine, not too bad I thought only the price of a TV licence… wait a minute what’s this? A THREE YEAR CRIMINAL RECORD stared back at me from the page. For a TV licence?

Were they taking the piss?

Fortunately the record expires next April but for the past two and a half years my poor mum has had to live in the knowledge that her little girl’s a crim.

So the very simple moral of this story, kids: get a licence, as avoiding it isn’t worth the hassle.”

ONCE AGAIN, the price of drinks in the union has risen.

With an increase of five to ten pence per bevy, there has been an outcry among students demanding the reason for its necessity.

The Union’s justification is the cause of inflation, with production costs and petrol prices going up, affecting the supplier costs of Carling and other brands.

According to Mike Rabjohns, the Union’s Finance and Commercial Services, the increase is also in response to the inflation and financial demands of the services the union provides.

“All the money made in the union bars is fed straight back into the student’s union to support the AU societies, clubs and Welfare services,” he said.

“These obviously become more expensive each year with expansion.

The increase is not to just drain student pockets.”

The union completed market research around local pubs and clubs to judge the competition before increasing the rates.

Mike Rabjohns claims, “The Union is still undercutting all of the pubs around us and our promotion lines

Don’t blame the messenger offered each night provide further reductions.”

It is now £1.30 for a pint of Carling and Worthington, while the standard cost for Carling locally is £1.75.

But the top line bottles are £2.35, with a cheaper promotional price only

on Fridays.

Mike said the Union tries to vary the promotions on different nights to appeal to the target audience.

And for non-beer drinkers it seems a double vodka and red-bull is the only decent cheap alternative.

Student Politics

October 4 2003

Page 7

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Say ‘No’ to top-up fees Join the upcoming march in London

By Andrew Caldicott Political Editor

S

unday October 26 will see students from all around the UK converging on London to demonstrate against New Labour’s white paper regarding the introduction of top-up fees and student hardship in general.

The Cardiff NUS Campaigns and PR Officer, Emma Bebington, said: "Please support this campaign – it’s important to let the government know that this policy is simply not wanted. There are coaches laid on and tickets are just £3 from the box office."

The government is proposing to allow universities to charge up to £3,000 if they so choose. The vicechancellors of the elite corps of universities known as the Russell Group, of which Cardiff is a member, have all expressed a keen interest in charging top-up fees to fund higher education. But at what cost? The average student leaves university with £13,000 of debt. This would increase to an estimated £23,000 if top-up fees were introduced.

The government proposes that instead of being up-front fees, they would be paid back once you earned

“Does my bum wobble when I wave this?” over £15,000 per annum. This, they claim, will leave everyone in the same boat regardless of economic background.

So will that stop poorer students from coming to university? Possibly, but in fact those students whose parents are on lower incomes are actually better off that those whose parents are just over the threshold with regards to means testing. They are expected to fund their adult offspring through university, but are likely to have little, if any, spare disposable income to do so. So those with parents on low incomes get some form of grant while those with wealthy parents get funds from them; those in the middle are forced into heavy debt

Have your say

and fall straight into the waiting arms of the big banks. Once trapped in the debt trap, students are ensnared for a long, long time – well after they have graduated. You have to sell your soul to get a decent education.

However, it is likely that whatever the Government introduces now will remain even when New Labour fall from power. After all, this Government still blames the Tories for all the ills in society. It will just be accepted as the norm, just as New Labour have kept the railways in private hands.

It’s now up to you to let Tony and his cronies how you feel. For more information contact Emma Bebington at BebingtonE@cf.ac.uk.

A

further opportunity has arisen for all students to exercise their democratic right to vote and vote in the Union Executive by-elections, which are being held to fill the remaining positions on the Union Executive.

The positions available are those of the Postgraduate Off icer, the Students with Disabilities Officer, the International Affairs Officer and the Lesbian and Bisexual Officer.

These are all non-sabbatical positions and, although they require a certain level of commitment and time from candidates, the rewards accrued are insurmountable.

As well as looking good on your CV, these positions offer candidates

the chance to develop leadership skills, improve time management and organisation.

Most importantly, these minority groups need a strong voice to express their needs and voice opinions that otherwise might not be heard. With Cardiff University possessing such a huge wealth of student varieties, it is important that everyone can be heard.

If anyone is interested in these positions, contact Rona Griffiths on the third floor of the students union for an application form. The closing date for nominations is October 13, with hustings on October 20 and polling from the October 27-29.

Votes will be counted on October 30.

Remember, it’s your union, and everyone’s vote and opinion counts.

Traffic permit chaos

By Andrew Caldicott Political Editor

C

onfusion over the residential traffic permit system operating in many of the student areas of Cardiff have resulted in a number of students being lumbered with hefty parking fines.

PC Bob Keohane, Community Police Relations Off icer recom-

mends that you park outside of permit areas while you arrange your disc. “A note in the window saying its in the post won’t stop you getting a ticket.”

This is an important local issue that many students want the executive committee to press the council about. Tell us what you think on

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk. The Union Exec are there to represent us.

So let’s use them.

By Emily Knightley From August 2003 the Home Office (HO) began to charge foreign nationals in the UK £155 for visa renewals and settlement applications.

The National Union of Students (NUS) has strongly opposed this charge as it increases the financial burden on international students who are already charged high tuition fees to study at UK universities. The Department for Education and Skills (DfES) and the Prime Minister actively encourage international students to study in the UK. The NUS believes that this new charge directly contradicts this policy and is concerned about the effect this charge will have on current and future international students coming to study in the UK. As a result of these concerns the NUS has launched its Fight the Charge! campaign calling on local Students' Unions to join them. Cardiff University Students' Union believes that this is an important issue since international students make up 15% of the student population. They have responded by preparing letters to David Blunkett, Home Secretary, Jon Owen Jones, MP for Cardiff Central, and Charles Clarke, Education Secretary. Hundreds have already been sent on to the relevant parties but more are waiting for signatures. Students are therefore urged to visit the Student Advice Centre, on the third floor of the Students' Union, to sign one of these letters - now!

Website sexed up

By Naomi Blight

By Naomi Blight

Ripped off Politics

T

he Students’ Union website cardiffstudents.com has become a beaming icon of its former self and is the perfect embodiment of exactly why the Cardiff University Students’ Union is the best in the UK. The website itself is not new but has been revamped, and allows students to obtain almost any information they need about AU teams, societies and the Union itself.

The website operates a login system and students must register online to join societies and AU clubs. This system means that the union is provided with a database of the interests of students which helps it to further improve its services.

Additionally the login system, where students provide their contact

details, means that societies and AU clubs can contact their members to inform them of events and news within the club via email and text.

Societies and clubs are offered a reduced rate text messaging service to contact their members which saves a great deal of time, and improves communication between clubs and their members.

The simplicity of the website means that it is user-friendly and can be viewed by anyone, allowing societies and clubs to be better recognised for their successes, thus increasing the camaraderie within teams and the university as a whole. The union is offering a £100 prize to the society or club with the best web space at the end of the year, so the more embarrassing photos, event listings and info the better! Clubs and members, get clicking!

www.cardiffstudents.com

Vote for it, Baby!

This week’s question: Should the NUS come to an arrangement with the council to issue temporary parking permits?

Text yes/no to 07791 165837 or email ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Andrew Caldicott

Fee-ble case for fees Controversy continues to rage over the proposed introduction of tuition fees.

But are we missing the point?

Why does the Government insist on 50% of school-leavers going on to higher education? As a cynic, I just see New Labour fiddling the unemployment statistics and saving some money on Social Security.

There is a saturation of graduates on the market; no longer does a degree guarantee a good job and glittering prospects so what’s the point in going to university and getting into debt? Indeed, a degree can even count against you, especially if you’ve got a Mickey Mouse degree from the University of Nowhere.

Decisions As a society we have to make a decision about what skills we need and what type of people we want with those skills. People are different, and that diversity of talent would be better employed by having only the academically elite students go to university while everyone else either trains in a vocational role or gets a job. Less people in higher education would mean more money to go around and therefore grants could be re-introduced. If the 50% figure were etched in stone, then maybe a given number of studentships should be given in subjects that the Government believe will be beneficial to society, such as the sciences, engineering and medicine. A significantly smaller number of scholarships should be given to non-essential humanities subjects like sociology.

To combat the accusation that deprived youngsters will be excluded I would propose that Alevels as an entrance exam be scrapped, and a combination of aptitude and intelligence tests be used instead.

C’est la vie Society needs to get away from the idiotic liberal idea that elitism is bad and from the strange mentality that people should be shielded from life’s inequalities. Life is unfair.

C’est la vie! Yes, tuition fees are a terrible idea but so is the target of 50% of school-leavers in higher education.

What do YOU think?

Contact us at: ssugr@cf.ac.uk

Opinion

Page 8

October 4 2003

grcobley@cf.ac.uk

MARK

A VOICE YOU CAN TRUST IN A WORLD OF SPIN

Elsewhere...

JUST HOW low will Tory students stoop to give the government a headache over top-up fees?

They were spotted sneaking into the Labour Party Conference this week pretending to be Labour Students and campaigning FOR the government’s pathetically unpopular fees.

The Con-artists are terrified that Labour Students will do too good a job convincing their MPs that top-ups are a terrible idea.

You can’t blame them for being concerned.

If Blair & co.’s education bill gets defeated by Labour lefties, then what happens to all those precious student votes for the Tories?

JORDAN REALLY is a ridiculous, attentionseeking delusionist.

And now it seems the British public agree.

The unfeasiblyc h e s t e d partygoer has been voted top choice to replace David Blaine in his little box when his 44 days are up.

The only difference between the two publicity junkies is that watching Jordan go slowly crazy would actually be entertaining.

N O R T H KOREA was brilliantly described by the BBC as a “zombie state”.

In the totalitarian fantasyworld of its harebrained dictator, Kim Il-Sung, North Korea is still at the forefront of the global communist revolution.

The regime has murdered, impoverished and starved millions, and is now engaged in a potentially catastrophic game of nuclear chicken with the US. Still, credit where credit is due.

This week North Korea described US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld as a “psychopath” and a “politically illiterate old man”.

It’s not often you hear mad dictators talking sense, but it happens sometimes.

New Labour’s top-ups are going down

D

EAD IN THE WATER. That’s most people’s assessment of Blair’s hated top-up fees after a terrible week for supporters of the policy.

The nightmare started for New Labour at their party conference in Bournemouth this week.

Education Secretary Charles Clarke stood up and mounted as fair a defence of the £3,000 a year fees hike as could be expected.

But at the education debate Labour members were queueing up to blast the scheme, which could see some students leaving Uni with debts of up to £30,000 or more.

Labour Students were so good at spreading “fight the fees” stickers that the leadership threatened to close their stand!

More than 100 Labour MPs now look set to vote against their own party on the issue (including Cardiff’s Jon Owen Jones).

With 80 per cent of the country opposed, MPs realise fees will incinerate Labour votes at the next election - and lose them their seats.

Lib Dems and Tories are also against, which will make dragging the scheme through Parliament a nightmare.

Thank god for that. Top-ups are easily the worst idea New Labour have dreamed up so far.

Clarke claims it’s “unfair” to ask the taxpayer to cough up the extra cash because half of people don’t even go to Uni. What rubbish.

Even people who don’t go to Uni benefit from it, as the government would admit if Murdoch’s brownshirts at The Sun hadn’t terrorised it into promising low taxes.

Okay, so Joe Mechanic didn’t go to University. But his kids still go to school, where they’re taught by a teacher who is a graduate.

When he gets sick, he’s treated by a doctor who’s a graduate.

Society benefits from graduates. So society should pay, through fair taxes.

Graduates who DO turn out to be high earners will then pay more anyway.

The reality is that top-up fees are about anything BUT fairness.

They’re about creating a “market” in higher education, because they’re more “efficient” and give people “choice”.

Like on the railways.

Most Universities will charge the

YANKS ARE DEAD WEIGHT

“I tried and tried but I just couldn’t make it fit...” full three grand. Some (the worst) might not charge anything.

Where will poorer students go?

Oxford? Don’t make me laugh.

So as the chorus of opposition becomes deafening, suddenly Blair announces he’s going to listen.

In his conference speech he promised a huge “consultation” with the country - and some are hinting this could be a ruse to dump the hated fees.

One Downing Street aide told The Mirror: “It would be a way to get out of this mess.”

Blair has got a hell of a vote-loser on his hands. Let’s make sure he realises it.

New Labour are having doubts NOW is the time to show them how wrong they are.

NUS demo against fees: OCTOBER

26

SUNDAY

I want to see you all there.

HILARIOUS NEWS from the US, where the legendarily portly Yanks are getting too fat to even fit into their own coffins.

According to the New York Times, specialist ‘fat’ coffinmakers are now doing a roaring trade.

Julane Davis of Goliath Coffins, Indiana, told the paper: “When we set up business we’d sell just one triple-width coffin a year.

“Nowadays every month we ship four or five of them.”

The makers boast these vast caskets measure 44 inches across (as opposed to the standard 24in) and can hold a 700lbs body without “losing their integrity”.

One fifth of Yanks are now clinically obese, and no wonder after living a lifetime of super-size food portions and greasy burger goodness.

The only worry is that McFood culture is being aped here too.

Mrs Davis concluded: “Americans are getting wider and they’re getting thicker.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Hey, it can talk!

Collected thoughts from trained ape and leader of the free world George W. Bush

Howdy, y’all!

I’m sorry ta tell y’all I bin havin’ a bit of a bad week.

It all started when my best buddy Karl Rove went and gived the name of a CIA chick to some jurn-o-lists.

Daddy says this girl was a secret agent, and Karl (who’s my No.1 advisor) broked her cover and put her life in danger.

Some people’s sayin’ we done it on purpose, cos her old man is a Democrat. Hell, it gets worse - he’s a Democrat who opposed my war!

As far as I cun see, his missus deserves whatever she gets.

Congress don’t see it that way tho, which got me a bit scared, to tell ya the truth. Some people’re sayin’ I shuld be kicked out!

Luckily, my dad’s buddies have got it sorted out.

We got the Justice Department and the FBI lookin’ inta it.

And we already appointed a guy named John Ashcroft to head up the Justice Department.

The great thing is, my buddy Karl used ta work for Johnny on loadsa political campaigns, so Johnny’s sure ta come to the right decision, which is that me and Karl is completely innocent!

Them pesky Democrat varmints ain’t happy, but they never are.

They’s callin’ for a stoopid indypendent investigader.

I’m hopin’ we can fool the American people we don’t need one. Wish me luck!

See you next week! (I hope!)

Contact the union for more info.

AGREE? DISAGREE? EMAIL ME AT GRCOBLEY@CF.AC.UK AND IF IT’S ANY GOOD, I MIGHT EVEN PRINT IT

Editorial & Opinion

October 4 2003

Page 9

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

By Tristan Thomas . gair rhydd Editor

T

his week, gair rhydd media investigates the conflicts between student media and their unions.

And it throws up some very interesting contradictions.

My wages are paid for by the union, gair rhydd is largely funded by the union and yet, as editor of a newspaper I am charged with criticising the wrongdoings of that same organisation.

In previous years this clear paradox has come strikingly to the fore. Retractions and apologies were commonplace, as the union struggled to keep a grip over our editorial content.

Last year’s Sabb team complained passionately that we were too critical of the new design for the Taf.

rhydd EST. 1972

Student Rant

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

Fortunately, our editor was strong enough to resist This uneasy relationship between funder and journalist is all too prevalent in the national media, perhaps most controversially between Rupert Murdoch and his raft of papers.

But of all the famous Newspaper proprietor’s, Robert Maxwell was the most intrusive. In the early day’s of his ownership, news editors were forced to write glowing tributes about his good deeds, at the expense of genuine news stories.

Whilst the Union Exec can be quite demanding, they certainly never go as far as to bug our newsrooms, an alleged technique of the insane business magnate.

The editorial of this paper is independent and will remain so. If this publication is ever censored, it will mark the end of its life as a newspaper, and the beginnings of the gair rhydd Union newsletter. We will not let that happen.

Luise Ventress

GM threat remains

W

Blaine boredom lives on. Yawn...

By A.J. Silvers

Nationwide boredom fails to be alleviated by the tragic continued survivial of stuntster David Blaine

S

David Blaine - So intolerabley dull that he even gives himself a headche.

O THERE is this American, right, and he’s like, suspended in a plastic box, right, and it’s really cool yeah.

Well, erm, no, not really.

It’s old news that the self styled advocate of ‘Street Magic’ is attempting another stupid stunt, this time a very public self starvation.

Unlike the hunger strikes of political prisoners, Blaine’s only purpose is self glorification. Oh that, and the £5.3 million pounds Sky TV paid for the exclusive Goldfish bowl cams they installed.

Not only does this absurd sponsored starvation insult and mock the struggle millions face every day in the famine ridden third world, but even contradicts his own ‘dream manifesto’.

In Mysterious Stranger, Blaine’s first book, he insists that ‘our minds have no limits.’

So after two endurance ‘feats’ in which Blaine stood on a pole and in a block of ice, his current ‘unlimited’ feat is to do nothing in a box. – WOW, where does he get his ideas from?

Far from copying the American’s rather lack lustre imagination, the British public have demonstrated far more initiative in their Blaine related endeavours.

In addition to the various

breasts and bottoms that have been flashed at Blaine, his Perspex pad has been pelted with eggs, tomatoes, hot dog sausages and lemons – the latter a reflection on Blaine’s status presumably.

One keen golfer teed off from Tower Bridge, driving a barrage of golf balls at the American.

Even other celebrities seem keen to get in on the Blaine baiting act. Earlier this week Paul McCartney gave a boxing demonstration, squaring off with a photographer from the Evening Standard newspaper in the early hours of Friday morning.

However, hats must be raised in salute to the lads down at Loaded magazine.

Flying the flag for both British hospitality and ingenuity they enlisted a member of Great Britain’s remote-controlled helicopter team and his helicopter.

As they explained. “First we plastered [the helicopter] with Loaded logos so everyone knew it was us.

“Second, we bought a big fat bag of juicy burgers from McDonalds.

“Third, we attached said burgers to said helicopter.

“And then our man flew the burgers to within sniffing distance of the Blaine, who pissed himself

So how is Mr Blaine going to spend his £5.3million? We can but guess, but in case he should read this, here are a few ideas for him. £5,300,000 buys: - 1 Self-starved American in a presentation box - every Cardiff Uni student a beer a day for a year - Oxfam clean water kits for 2 million refugees - 530,000,000 penny chews.

- enough rice to feed 800,000 Indian families for 44 days - materials to build and equip hundreds of schools in Africa - Around 5,300,000 tubes of tetracycline, curing trachoma caused blindness in roughly 5,300,000 people - One thousand penis enlargement operations for Dave Blain, resulting in genitals 54ft long. laughing when he wasn’t gazing longingly at the juicy meat snack."

Now that’s what I call entertaining!

E ALL remember the media frenzy, about a year ago, on genetically modified foods being introduced into this country. Since then the issue seems to have been swept under the carpet. I would like to remind you that the reality of GM is still very much at large, perhaps now more important than ever.

We are on the verge of irreversibly losing control of our food chain. There has been a 3 year trial period for GM crops in the UK which is soon to come to an end. If wider use is now allowed in our country, within only the next 3 to 4 years cross-pollination will ensure that it will be nearly impossible to grow non-GM. Blair is under increasing pressure from the big corporations to accept GM crops. An indication of where the government’s loyalties lie is how, in 1998, £52 million went on research into GM, and a mere £1.7 million into organic farming.

You may wonder what is wrong with GM food, and how its introduction into our food chain actually affects us.

One example of GM products being a danger to our health is the development of a growth hormone in the US. Used in dairy cows to boost milk yields, it has been shown to directly cause increased levels of insulin growth factor 1 in our blood streams.

This growth factor can increase the risk of prostrate cancer in men by 7 times and that of breast cancer in women by 5 times.

Despite this discovery it is still widely available on US markets.

Health implications also apply to GM soya. All soya from the US is GM, and 60% of processed food in the supermarkets contain soya, much of it from America.

If you have an interest in eating safe food, there will be a march in London on October 13th. For further details contact Tractors and Trolleys, Friends of the Earth on 0808 800 1111, or e-mail info@foe.co.uk

Fancy a rant?

Email 300 words to ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Page10

Letters

October 4 2003

grletters@cf.ac.uk The writer of letter of the week receives two free cineetting ma tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. So get waffling and email grletters@cf.ac.uk

Life Of Brian Dear gair rhydd, As a vicar and writer in the Church of England, I am inundated with letters from people from all over the UK, despairing at the state this country is in. My postbag reveals that there is an “unofficial debate” going on in every city, town and village with people asking, “what has gone wrong with Britain?” (I dunno, ask ‘Non-Welsh Alien’). I would be most grateful if I could use your letters page to further discussion and debate in your area.

Society has now got so bad it appears that the very essence of what being ‘British’ stood for; justice, decency and integrity is in meltdown. People are saying “The country has gone mad”, with crime and teenage pregnancies soaring, family values collapsing, teachers being reprimanded for disciplining pupils, road rage, courts failing to adequately punish offenders and so on.

Politicians give the problems of poverty, unemployment and bad housing as being reasons for this rise in crime, however, the UK has always had these problems to a greater or lesser degree so clearly something else has gone wrong.

It may come as a surprise but a study of statistics covering the past 150 years of British society reveals two related U curves. The first, an inverted ‘U’ shows church and Sunday school attendance rising in the last half of the 19th Century and peaking in 1905 before going into steady decline. The second ‘U’ curve also begins in the late Victorian era and shows crime, drunkenness and illegitimacy (Yeah, its called Lashtastic) falling to a low at the turn of the century, and then steadily rising.

The marked fall in crime as church attendance rose was noted by the commentators of the day. One such historian, OL Pike wrote, “There has never been a time in which life and property have been so secure.” Another wrote, “Football crowds are as orderly as a church meeting” (I can’t see the CCFC Soul Crew being invited round for tea and scones though).

It seems it wasn’t people’s fear of arrest that kept them from breaking the law, but their inner morality. Church attendance had promoted conscience, self-control and the belief that they were accountable to God for their actions. The lesson from history is surely that these values and beliefs have a timeless quality about them and they can only be ignored at terrible cost. Today’s Britain is paying that price.

Yours sincerely, Rev. J Williams.

Last time I looked, this was the GR letters page, not Radio 4’s Thought for the Day. Anyway, no, you cant use this page to further your own God-bothering agenda, because A) you’re not a student and B) you don’t even live in Cardiff.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion; that’s why your letter appears on this page. Now here’s mine.

I don’t care what happened in 1905 – we don’t live in the same world a century later. Making kids go to Sunday school is not going to stop them holding up Blockbusters when they run out of smack. Sex education is the answer to teenage pregnancy, not telling girls they will burn in eternal damnation if they get laid.

Fear of arrest doesn’t count for shite; it never has. Fear of spending years getting bummed into oblivion by a burly man with a grubby face in the showers should be enough to scare anyone in their right mind out of committing serious crime. I blame the parents. Moral tuition begins at home first and foremost, not with an outmoded didactic institution designed to suppress the masses centuries ago.

I agree with the basic precepts of Christian religion, and you raise some good points. Religion has the power to make people better themselves, but it can also bring out the worst in them. Now that Iraq is paying a price for an attack by a fundamentalist Christian and his faithful British puppy, maybe we should all join hands and make sure we kill everyone who doesn’t believe in the holy trinity. Thou shalt not kill indeed.

Anyone with thoughts on the subject should write in. A bit of lively debate will do us good. Bear in mind that it will only last until next week though – this isn’t the God Channel.

V, V Bad Dear gair rhydd, I felt compelled to write about your new Bridget Jones-wannabe in QUENCH. Whilst I think a bit of sex-talk is always relevant to the student lifestyle, I am wondering if we need to be faced with the opinions of someone who would pull a bloke who a) recently vomited and b) on her.

Tongue-in-cheek humour is all very well but she is resorting to cliché and the well-worn language of chick-lit which has fast lost its appeal.

Not that I can be arsed to try to do better, as a pre-emptive strike against the usual response, but this girl would be advised to talk about actual sex, rather than near misses.

That is, if she’s ever had any. But then, a girl who would snog someone with a gob full of vomit, probably isn’t too choosy.

Yours, Narky Slut (2nd Year English) Fuck me; I’m staying out of this one. It will only lead to mishap.

National Front Dear gair rhydd During enrolment this year, I noticed something that disgusted me. Several of the other students nearby were clutching their enrolment forms, and as I nosily strained to see them, I noticed that a large number of them had, in the nationality box, written “Welsh”.

This is utter rubbish. Welsh people, you may well be “Welsh”, but I don’t really care. But your nationality is, unarguably, BRITISH. At the time, I considered changing the nationality on my form to read “Surrey”; the boundary is equally arbitrary, but I didn’t, because I refuse to degrade myself to a similar level.

Whilst I appreciate this will aggravate many, I feel that it has to be said, because proud identity of this kind is a dangerous thing. I have been shunned for being ‘arrogant’ on more than one occasion, when all that I have said was that I was from England.

Yours, Non-Welsh Alien (Sigh). So, other people’s heritage disgusts you to the point that you feel the need to actively denigrate and complain about it, and then you’re surprised when others call you arrogant? The English have only permitted Wales to exist as a country for just over 50 years.

The Welsh language, emaciated by years of English persecution, is only now beginning to thrive again. Primary schoolchildren in Wales were beaten, forced to wear a wooden plank around their necks, and forbidden to speak at all if

The gair rhydd letters page gair rhydd is read by just about every student at Cardiff University then beyond into the realms of UWIC and the city. This page is an opportunity to vent your vitriolic spleen on any issue you like, so get typing, and have your views read by your peers, or at least subjected to jaded, cynical comment...

Oh yeah, and if your department is worth it’s salt it will have issued you with your very own personal e-mail account. Please email rather than send your letters in, there’s trees out there dying and shit - you’ll make the hippies cry.

Letters is edited by James Anthony they were found using Welsh in school. What do you think gives you the right to tell ANYBODY what their nationality is?

I assume you also get annoyed when you see those “Darkies” putting “English” on their enrolment forms. It’s small wonder that Welsh, Scottish and Irish people don’t want to be associated with being ‘British’, when the ‘English’ Union Jack is drenched in the blood of countless foreign nations, and reminds most people of the BNP.

There’s No Pleasing Some People

ing for the tickets to be sent to my home.

Other venues such as the International Arena (CIA) only charge fees when you are actually booking the tickets over the phone and paying by card (Get it!!). Sort it out gair rhydd; I can smell a union scam.

Yours, A pissed off Post Grad.

I confess I cannot think of a good reason why the union do this, but they’re not the only ones. Booking fees are a standard surcharge on most ticket sales, kinda like VAT on your everyday purchases. If those bands were playing at the CIA rather than the union, then the ticket price itself would be more expensive - which would you prefer?

Dear gair rhydd, What the fuck is going on with the union charging a bloody £1.50 “booking fee” when purchasing a gig ticket? I find this complete madness when considering that I am not “booking” the tickets!

They are on sale and I am buying them with CASH directly from the union box office – I am not pay-

Letters is supported

by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

Joy of text

Text us: 07791165837 No1 should eva slag off the NHS again after the great frisbeegiven out at freshers fair!they no how 2 keep people happy! bugger waiting lists free frisbes for all - G9 I was wandering around wondering where all the koalas were. then i remembered we are not in australia...

Bring back Seren Las! The hangover special was my saviour! Capitalism sucks!

I see george bush is having problems getting a new resolution. in my opinion he should try to update the drivers on his monitor

Who steals lecture notes out of pigeon-holes? I mean really, what kind of moron are you?

I collect bright green monkeys so I can sell them to my pet bananas.

If you notice this notice youll notice this notice is not worth noticing.

Last week i discovered that looking like a pirate is fun, but only having one eye annoys me.

What in four shades of french farce does xpress radio do with your $15? skanking the pigeons that is.

E-mail your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Listings

October 04 2003

Page 11

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Our guide to pull you through those post-freshers blues. Look out for our all new look next week. Hannah Muddiman

Three nights out and a boat

1

3. Roath Park Boating

A

s everyone not lucky enough to be a fresher ought to know by now, Roath Park is the perfect place to spend an afternoon off. You can find the park just down the hill from Uni Hall. It offers a range of leisurely daytime activities, a perfect follow up to ‘This Morning’. Head over to the park this week, before winter gets set in, and enjoy the conservatory,

Matchstick Men (12A

Ridley Scott Based on the novel by Eric Garcia

UGC, Mary Ann Street Tel. 08709070739 11.50, 14.45, 17.35, 20.10 daily. (23.30 fri. and sat. only) Ster Century Cinemas, Millennium Plaza, Wood Street Tel.0870767676 13.30, 16.05, 18.04, 21.15 daily.

UCI, Atlantic Warf Tel.0990888990 18.30 (not mon.) 21.05 daily.

Matchstick Men has sparked rave reviews for Nicholas Cage, who is described as being ‘in his element’ playing the part of an obsessive compulsive con artist, Roy Waller. A surprise visit from

2. Catrin Finch Tuesday 7th October 7:30pm Tickets on the door but as this is likely to be an extremely popular concert I would recommend booking in advance on 0870 013 1812 Student tickets: £3 (Cardiff University Music Students: Free) This is the second of this year’s season of concerts, hosted by the Music Department, which is already proving to be very popular. Last Tuesday the Sorrel Quartet played to a full house and this week Wales’s

Monday 6th October- Thursday 9th October 7:30pm (matinee at 2:30pm on Tuesday) Tickets in advance or on the door.

own Catrin Finch, Royal Harpist to The Prince of Wales, is expected to pack the concert hall. The programme consists of a broard spectrum of works by composers ranging from Bach to Mathias. Catrin Finch has won many awards and toured America, she really is one of Britain’s top performers. Catrin’s skills have been hailed as ‘exceptional’, a real must-see.

Evening Performance: £11.50£24.50 Matinee Performance: £11.50£18.00

Wales Student Prize submit to the Talkaoke challenge. Sure they can invent stuff, but how will they cope on a chat show?

What’s Talkaoke? Talkaoke’s no ordinary chat, have or say, sit back and listen, or just chat with friends –

Livefree4.net

This week’s winner, Karen Linford, studies at UWCN and lives in Ponty

it’s up to you! There are only two rules though – no singing and no punch ups!

Nine student finalists from the Welsh Development Agency’s Future Technologies Prize will be making their ‘elevator pitch’ at Jelly Brain, and then their ideas and any issues raised will then be discussed by anyone who wants to take part. So what’s an elevator pitch? Imagine you ‘re in a lift with Richard Branson and you want him to invest in your idea. What would you say in two minutes to make him remember you and your idea? It’s kinda like Pop Idol for new ideas, but instead of singing, you’re selling, and at Jelly Brain, its the students who decide whether they’re a hero or a zero! The finalists are competing for a £2000 cash prize so a lot depends on your feedback. Let’s face it, we could all do with that cash!

The best bit about it all is that Jelly Brain is totally free entry and the first 100 through the doors get a free drink! If that’s not enough, with wine at only £6 a bottle, you shouldn’t have a problem inducing those ever-so entertaining pub "discussions"!

complete with exotic plants, terrapins, fish and (oddly) chickens, or try your hand at rowing on the boating lake. The park is open from dawn till dusk every day (check closing times when you go in to avoid an enforced lesson in overnight survival skills), admission to the conservatory with NUS is under £1 and boating is also very reasonably priced.

4. HMS Pinafore St David’s Hall - Monday to Thursday

Cardiff University School of Music - Tuesday

What the hell is Jelly Brain!

Fancy doing something different this Wednesday night? Why not check out Jelly Brain?

So what is this Jelly Brian thing?

It’s a one off night in Seren Las where you can chill out to the DJ and watch the finalists of the Future

a teenage daughter he didn’t know he had throws Waller’s life, and his plans for the next big con, into chaos. Cage is remarkable as the neurotic parent behaving more like a teenager than his daughter Angela (Alison Lohman).

North Cardiff

aboard HMS Pinafore, comes to St. David’s Hall this week. The tale of secret love, class snobbery and mistaken identity is both farfetched and tenuous; but it works!!

Definitely worth a look.

Reductions for students: £3 off all evening tickets £2 off top two price bands of matinee tickets A ridiculously camp, comic operetta

by Gilbert and Sullivan, which follows the course of a love triangle

Seren Las Studentunion/UndebMyfyrwyr 8.10.03 - 8PM DJ:LateBar/BarHwyr: Talkaoke FREEENTRY/MYNEDIADDI-DAL * talkaoke : No ordinary chat * your chance to have your sayor just listen * 2 rules– no singing into the mic and no punch ups * talkaoke : dim siarad cyffredin * eich cyfle i ddweud eich dweud - neu ddim ond gwrando * 2 reol– dim canu i r meic a dim ymladd

Media

October 4th, 2003

Page 12

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

The enemy within

Blunt in the running for Student media hacks are increasingly coming under top award threat from their own unions writes Gary Andrews

I

magine the situation. A student newspaper writes two leader columns. One criticises Tony Blair for being an incompetent leader out of touch. The second complains that the student union is providing a shoddy service, is overpriced and run badly.

Whilst Tony Blair may not be to perturbed about a bad reputation in the student press, the students union is almost certain to take offence at any article criticising it, whether these criticisms are valid or not. What happens next is up to the student unions. Some may let it pass, whilst others may take more severe action.

Those who were here last year may remember the Gair Rhydd reporting on the Liverpool Student, which was pulped after it ran a story about the union executive taking a pay rise.

President Vicky Hann was alleged to have personally destroyed some of the copies, claiming the paper provided poor value for money and only published film and music reviews.

Needless to say the paper’s editorial staff strenuously denied these accusations.

For the Observer’s Jay Rayner, who edited the Leeds Student in the late eighties, it’s nothing new.

"The dynamic hasn’t changed. As soon as the union executive get elected they start trying to twist people’s arms and start spinning the media," he says.

"It’s basically politics on a small scale."

It’s a sentiment echoed by Jamie Hunter from the Gaudie in Aberdeen.

"A lot of the student politicians plan to enter politics for real," he says. "The lack of accountability in Westminster at the moment is basically the same on a student level. Debate is not encouraged and [in Aberdeen] they cosy up to the university administration."

Hunter is no stranger to conflict himself, as he was part of the editorial team that went on strike after claims that the Student Association in the Scottish city was attempting to half the number of editions and influence the choice of editor.

"There was certainly tension between the paper and the association," he recalls.

"They definitely over reacted. They said that they were happy with what we were printing but at the end of the day we couldn’t accurately report any criticism of them."

Needless to say the student association disagreed with this viewpoint. Then president Duncan

UEA: Not fans of lapdancing

Gair Rhydd news eds - never to get as much power again according The Observer’s Jay Rayner Cockburn claimed standards were dropping and this was a move to improve the quality of the paper. Hann used the same argument in her battle with the Liverpool Student. Many other student’s unions have grumbled when faced with complaints from their own student press, and therein lies the problem.

There is a theory in journalism that the press holds the governing powers to account on behalf of the people, like a Fourth Estate. Students of the subject will know this as the liberal democratic theory of the press. So, whilst the national papers hold the government to account, student media’s job is to ensure the university is doing its job properly – and this includes the student’s union.

However the majority of the funding for most student papers comes direct from the student’s union meaning any criticism of the organisation is in effect, biting the hand that feeds them.

There’s no doubt that SU’s across the country would like their own media to focus on promoting what the union has to offer, as opposed to spending their time writing about problems and complaints within the organisation and, as such, may from time to time attempt to stop certain articles being printed.

This, for Hunter, misses the entire point of student journalism.

"It’s important for any newspaper to be able to publish what they want," he says.

Jay Rayner agrees. "There is very little benefit in the newspaper just being the mouthpiece of the union." However, he believes such an arrangement does have its advantages. "You’ll probably never get as much power as when you’re in charge of a student paper. It’s a good learning ground.

"It’s also probably the only media organisation in the world where, if you write a political story, the person who’s the focus of it can come into the office and chat with you about it."

For Cardiff ’s Student Union

President, Finnbar Graham, cooperation and communication between the two departments, as described by the Observer journalist, is essential for a harmonious co-existence.

"I think me and Tristan [Thomas – Gair Rhydd editor] have a pretty good working relationship and I’d like to think if such a situation were to arise we could sort things out before they got out of hand."

In Jay Rayner’s opinion, though, the process works two ways. "Students on the paper start to think of themselves as proper journalists, so the union executive starts to think of themselves as proper politicians and the whole media/politics battle starts being played out."

union’s ire. Guardian nominated Concrete from the University of East Anglia found one of their issues banned after they ran an advert and voucher for a local lapdancing club and have also had their knuckles rapped after an article on campus graffiti, whilst the Leeds Student, as reported last issue, was censured after printing an article where the band Mogwai used the c-word when referring to Tony Blair.

But Finnbar Graham gives his assurances that such incidents would not occur in Cardiff. "I would never personally try to stop the paper from printing something I, myself, objected to. I’d have to take into consideration the best interests of the union before taking any action," he says. "It doesn’t help anyone to

PULPED - The Liverp ool Student critcises pay rise for its unio a n exec and gets shre dded TABOO - UEA’s Conc re printing an interview te is censored for with the BNP RESIGNED - The edito Gaudie quits after al r of Aberdeen’s leged interference fr om the university’s stud ent association OFFENSIVE - Publis hers pull the Leeds Student after it carr ies an interview mak ing derogatory comments against Tony Blair It’s a situation that Gair Rhydd’s news editor, John Collingridge, is keen to ensure doesn’t get out of hand. He realises there’s no point in antagonising the union deliberately.

"Although we’re part of the union we have a degree of independence from them. This means that although we have some freedom in what we say about the union and the companies that run within the building, we have to retain quite a bit of caution. A lot of the union revenue depends on these companies,” he warns.

Sometimes, though, even the most innocuous of articles can arouse the

have a paper that can’t be independent."

Many unions do try their best to work sensibly with their papers and student media will often be practical when approaching sensitive issues.

However, Jay Rayner believes it doesn’t pay for student media to be too cautious.

"Unless you’re getting threatened to be sued at least five times a semester,” he jokes, “you’re probably not doing your job properly."

See editorial Page 6

By Gary Andrews Media Ed

The Cardiff University postgraduate website, Blunt, has made the shortlist for the prestigious Guardian Student Media Awards.

Nominated for Student Website of the Year, Blunt will be battling it out with three other sites - Bath Impact, Durham 21 and The University of Southampton’s Wessex Scene.

Commenting on the nomination, the Guadrain’s Student Brand Manager for Cardiff, Andrew Greeves said, “On behalf of the Guardian Newspaper, I would like to congratulate Blunt on its nomination for the Student Media Awards 2003. These awards are recognised as one of the highest accolades of this type.

“As both an employee of the Guardian and as a student at Cardiff University I wish the website every success at the awards.”

Judged by Emily Bell, the editor in chief of the Guardian Unlimited webiste and Steve Pankhurst, cofounder of friendsreunited.com, the winner will receive five hundred pounds as well as two return flights to any easy jet destination.

In addition the winning website’s editor will get a week’s work experience at Guardian Unlimited.

The runner up will also be rewarded with two hundred and fifty pounds.

Although last year’s winner York Vision Online hasn’t made the cut this year, the paper it derives from is in the running for student publication of the year.

The ceremony will take place on Wednesday 12th November at the Lewis Media Centre in London, after the Guardian-hosted student media conefernce during the day.

Media Muddle

A

nd the role of hilarity and shame continues. Topping the bill this week is Lancaster’s Scan which treated it’s lucky readers to a “Building Work Special.” Sadly it’s probably the most exciting article in the entire paper. Must be a laugh a minute at that uni.

Manchester’s Student Radio Station, FUSE, wins this weeks award for best stunt - a doughnut eating competition. Quite what this actually has to do with radio is besides the point as we at Gair Rhydd reckon if Xpress were to give out Homer Simpson’s favourite snack when you join they could easily double their membership.

After laughing at the front page of Newport’s ‘Grapevine’ (see last week’s Media Muddle) somebody in the office actually got round to reading the paper. Depressingly half a page was dedicated to the editor meeting celebrities so far down the scale they don’t even warrant a letter. If he spent as much time actually editing the paper as opposed to whoring himself out, he may even manage to get it described as ‘mediorce’ in this column. Now isn’t that something to aspire to?

Taf-Od

4 Hydref 2003

Tud 13

tafod@cf.ac.uk

Yn geiban ond yn gwibio Owain a Cai yn barod i lenwi’r gwacter Gan Rhys Iorwerth Foneddigion a foneddigesau, fyfyrwyr o bob lliw a llun … fe hoffai Taf-Od gyhoeddi gyda phleser pur y bydd gan Radio Xpress sioe Gymraeg yn gwibio ar hyd ei thonfeddi eleni.

Owain Roberts a Cai Jones ydi’r ddau gyflwynydd newydd sy’n barod i lansio Radio Gwib, a hynny gan ddilyn ôl mawrion yn y maes fel Ian Cottrell a John o John ac Alun.

Mae’r cyfan yn rhan o ymgyrch Anna Gruffydd, y Swyddog Materion Cymreig, i hybu’r iaith yn yr Undeb a gyda lwc mi fydd Radio Gwib yn chwarae rhan allweddol yn yr ymdrech honno.

Meddai Anna ei hun: “Rwy’n edrych ymlân shwd gymaint at glywed sioe gynta Radio Gwib.

Mae’n beth ffantastic bod Owain a Cai mor awyddus i gyfrannu ac all pethau ond fynd o nerth i nerth!”

Mae’r manylion wrthi’n cael eu cadarnhau o ran slot ac amser ond mi fydd Radio Gwib yn taro’r tonfeddi o fewn yr wythnosau nesa.

Cadwch olwg yn Taf-Od ac ar dudalennau Radio Xpress yn Gair Rhydd i gael gwybod pryd yn union.

Cyn hynny, ac fel rhagflas o’r hyn sydd i ddod, mi fachodd Taf-Od ar y cyfle i holi Owain a Cai am Radio Gwib, am y dyfodol, ac am fywyd yn gyffredinol yn y byd sydd ohoni.

Reit ta, hogia. Fedrwch chi ddeud gair neu ddau am Radio Gwib, gan gofio nad oes yna neb wedi clywed amdano fo (na chithau chwaith) erioed o’r blaen?

CJ: Wel sioe radio Gymraeg ar Radio Xpress, yn chwarae cerddoriaeth Gymraeg ac yn hybu heddwch, cyfalafiaeth, yr enaid ddynol a’r ddynol natur.

OR: A masnach deg hefyd, ac Ian Cottrell.

Ydi Ian Cottrell yn dipyn o arwr i chi?

CJ: Ian Cottrell ydi’r dyn!

OR: Dwi’n ei edmygu am ei fod o’n foi golygus a hudolus sy’n byrlymu efo animal instinct naturiol.

CJ: Ac mi ddylai ei frwdfrydedd o at fywyd fod yn ysbrydoliaeth i ni i gyd.

Felly efelychu Ian Cottrell ydi’ch gobaith chi wrth lansio Radio Gwib?

OR: Wel mi fuasai hynny yn amhosibl i fod yn onest. Yn anffodus dwi’m yn ein gweld ni byth yn cyrraedd y fath uchelfannau.

CJ: Rhowch hi fel hyn, tydi offeiriaid yr efengyl ddim yn breuddwydio am fod yn Iesu Grist!

I fod yn fwy difri, sut math o gerddoriaeth allwn ni ddisgwyl ei glywed?

OR: Miwsig Cymraeg o safon, ond gwahanol o bosib i be sy’n cael ei glywed ar bethau fel Radio Cymru. Mae’r sîn yn gyffrous ar y funud efo bands fel Jakokoyak, Kentucky AFC, MC Mabon a Mozz.

Gobeithio y gallwn ni fanteisio ar hynny.

CJ: Cyfuniad o’r newydd a’r hen – efallai bydd y bandiau’n gyfarwydd ond y caneuon yn fwy

gwahanol ac annisgwyl.

OR: Dydan ni ddim yn anelu at blesio neb yn benodol – mi wnawn ni chwarae beth bynnag ydan ni isio!

CJ: Heblaw am Caban. Maen nhw allan ohoni.

Ydach chi’n gobeithio y bydd Radio Gwib yn arwain at bethau mwy?

CJ: Ddim yn gobeithio – dan ni’n gwybod!

OR: Mi alla i weld mewn blynyddoedd y bydd yna Deledu Gwib, Sianel Ddigidol Gwib, plaid Wleidyddol Gwib...

CJ: Er na fydd Radio Gwib yn wleidyddol o gwbl, neu oleia ddim yn fwriadol.

Allan o’r ddeuawd fyd-enwog, John ac Alun, pa un ydi’r ffefryn a pham?

OR: John heb os nac oni bai. Mae yna rywbeth i’w glodfori ym mhawb sy’n tyfu barf.

CJ: Wel mi fuaswn i’n anghytuno ac yn deud Alun. Mae gan bawb sy’n tyfu barf rywbeth i’w guddio!

Ian ydi dy enw iawn di, Cai. Ond dwyt ti ddim yn ei ddefnyddio! Be sy’n bod ar Ian? CJ: Does yna ddim byd yn bod ar Ian, ond fyddai hi ddim yn weddus i’w ddefnyddio fo pan mae yna rywun fel Ian Cottrell yn rhannu’r un enw.

OR: Mi fyddai hynny’n dangos amharch at y dyn ei hun.

“Mae gan bawb sy’n tyfu barf rywbeth i’w guddio” Be ydi prif anghyfiawnderau mawr y byd heddiw?

OR: Bod Starsailor yn cynhyrchu albyms.

CJ: Bod Bill Hicks wedi marw a bod sioe Jim Davidson yn gallu gwerthu allan yn Neuadd Dewi Sant.

A bod y bastards yna yn Pobl y Cwm wedi troi cefn ar Huw Ceredig er gwaetha blynyddoedd o wasanaeth ffyddlon i’r rhaglen.

OR: Bod Stuart Cable wedi ei ddiswyddo hefyd – mae hynny’n warth a chywilydd. Mi fydd Radio Gwib yn sefydlu Cable Inquiry!

CJ: Ac un arall ydi bod Ian Cottrell ddim yn Frenin gwlad.

Oes gan Radio Gwib unrhyw sloganau eto?

CJ: Oes, sawl slogan.

OR: Radio Gwib, Gogyrniad Hud... Radio Gwib, Wancio ar Speed...

Radio Gwib, Cadw Masnach yn Deg...

CJ: Radio Gwib, Watsia dy Dîn...

Radio Gwib, Keeping it Real...

Radio Gwib, Yn Llenwi’r Gwacter I orffen, oes yna unrhyw beth arall pwysig i’w ddweud?

CJ: Yn amlwg dydan ni erioed wedi gwneud peth fel hyn o’r blaen ac mi gymerith hi amser i ni ffeindio’n ffordd. Os fydd pethau ddim yn gweithio, oleia mi fyddwn ni wedi trio!

OR: Dipyn o hwyl ydi o yn y pendraw. Dim byd rhy serious. Os gawn ni unrhyw un i wrando arna ni a mwynhau, dwi’n meddwl bydd hynny’n llwyddiant.

CJ: Ac yn llenwi’r gwacter!

Radio Gwib ... Cyflwyno’r Cyflwynwyr

Owain a Cai yn y cnawd (uchod) ac Owain a Cai ar bapur (isod) OWAIN [HUW] ROBERTS Enw: Owain [Huw] Roberts Cwrs: 3ydd Blwyddyn Hanes Modern a Gwleidyddiaeth Cartref: Yr Wyddgrug Hoff Gyflwynwyr: John Peel, Huw Stephens, Steve Lamacq, Idris Charles Hoff Dafarn yng Nghaerdydd: Y Pen-Gafr (Goat Major) Hoff fand: The Frames Hoff liw carped: Porffor neu Biws Hoff berson yn y byd i gyd: Henry Kissinger

[IAN] CAI JONES Enw: [Ian] Cai Jones Cwrs: 3ydd Blwyddyn Hanes Modern a Gwleidyddiaeth Cartref: Caernarfon Hoff Gyflwynwyr: Eddie Temple Morris, Jonsi, Alun (o John ac Alun) Hoff Dafarn yng Nghaerdydd: Bar yr Hilton neu yfed cans yn Bute Park Hoff fand: Beck Hoff liw carped: Melyn Hoff berson yn y byd i gyd: Donald Rumsfeld

Mim Twm Llai yn agor ei big yn y Toucan MIM TWM LLAI, SWEET BABOO Clwb y Toucan, 25 Medi

Gan Thomas Little Hon oedd yr ail noson i Gymdeithas yr Iaith ei chynnal yn y Toucan ar nos Iau ola’r mis ac os bydd pethau’n para fel hyn mi fydd y cyfan yn dod yn llwyddiant ysgubol.

Roedd y clwb yn ymylu ar fod yn orlawn, a’r mwyafrif llethol o’r rheini oedd yno yn Gymry Cymraeg wedi dod i wylio Mim Twm Llai.

Mi fuodd yna ychydig o stwr yn ddiweddar ynghylch penderfyniad y Gymdeithas i roi artistiaid sy’n canu setiau Saesneg i chwarae ochr yn ochr â’r actiau Cymraeg.

Dadl y Gymdeithas oedd fod hynny’n anorfod er mwyn denu digon o gynulleidfa i wneud y noson yn llwyddiant – ar ôl y noson hon efallai y bydd yn rhaid iddyn nhw ail-feddwl neu ddod o hyd i ddadl arall.

Digon teg fod y sylw a’r gymeradwyaeth a gafodd Sweet Baboo , yr act oedd yn cefnogi, yn sylweddol.

Digon teg hefyd nad pawb oedd yn meddwl fod y canwr, er gwaetha’r harmonïo swynol, yn taro deuddeg a fyntau’n agor ei set efo gitâr pedwar llinyn a fuasai wedi ffitio i mewn i’w boced.

Ta waeth, talu i ddod i weld Mim Twm Llai wnaeth y rhan fwyaf a’r hyn oedd yn apelio yn fwy na dim oedd yr awyrgylch a naws gyffredinol y lle. Gigiau

Mim Twm Llai: noson awcwstig i’w chofio yn y Toucan awcwstig ydi’r rhain ac mae modd i rywun fwynhau heb deimlo rheidrwydd i wylio pob munud o bob cân.

Nid na fuasai neb wedi cwyno o orfod gwneud hynny – mi oedd Mim Twm Llai mewn hwyliau a’r gynulleidfa yn ymateb ac yn rhannu’r un ysbryd.

Doedd yna ddim byd yn crynhoi hynny’n fwy na phan dorrodd Gai Toms ddau linyn mewn un strymiad a fyntau’n gorfod rhoi’r gorau iddi am y tro heb gitâr sbâr.

Mi aeth yn ei flaen ar ôl rheg neu ddwy – yn ei flaen ormod, mi glywais i rai yn gwarafun – ond roedd y noson ar y cyfan yn un i’w chofio.

Brychan Llyr sy’n chwarae mis nesaf – mi fydd yna edrych ymlaen a’i ymddangosiadau yng Nghymru mor brin.

Dim ond bod rhaid gofyn, os bydd pob gig cystal â hon, pam na all yr achlysur fod yn uniaith Gymraeg o hyd.

COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (II) WEL, DYMA FI, y Cofi Alltud, wedi dychwelyd efo fy ail golofn ond petai gofyn bod yn onest tydw i ddim mymryn callach sut i fwrw ati efo hon mwy nag oeddwn i efo’r gynta. Mae gofyn i rywun fel fi sy’n newydd i’r gamp o sgwennu droedio llwybr llithrig a charegog ar y naw a phob ymddiheuriadau os digwydd i mi faglu ar fy ffordd.

A baglu, yn wir, y gwnes i yn bendrawmwnwgl rhyw ddiwrnod wythnos dwytha hwnnw’n un annifyr ei naws a dweud y lleia. Wyddwn i ddim o gwbl fod y ddinas yma yn lle mor fawr, yn enwedig pan mai’r unig beth o’n i ei angen oedd peint distaw allan o dwrw’r holl fyfyrwyr blwyddyn gynta sydd fel pla o forgrug o gwmpas Cathays.

Ond dim Caernarfon ydi Caerdydd, a dim hogyn hapus ydi Cofi Alltud sy’n mynd ar goll. Mi ffeindiais i fy hun draw yng nghyffiniau Ninian Park mewn tafarn heb ffenestri a honno’n llawn o ddynion heb ddim dannadd a byrddau’n sownd i’r llawr.

Tydw i dal heb benderfynu ai fanno ynteu Cathays a’i forgrug oedd y lle saffa i fod.

Ta waeth am hynny, mi ddois i drwy’r drin a hynny mewn un darn, ac allith Cofi Alltud fel fi ond diolch i’r Duw holldrugarog am ei ofal a’i nerth wrth fy nhywys ar fy ffordd.

A dipyn bach o ofal a nerth yn wir y gallwn i fod wedi ei fagu y bora hwnnw ar ôl crôl Mab a Tad y Gym Gym a finna fel rhyw gadach golchi llestri yn trio sgwennu fy ngholofn a fy mhen i’n trybowndian fel tasai’r Brython neu Rhys Teifi ei hun wedi mynd i overdrive ar wyth gram o gocên rhwng fy nghlustiau.

Mewn sefyllfa o’r fath allith rhywun neud dim byd ond cofio am Percy Galore yn ymosod ar deulu o eirth y tu allan i’r Prince of Wales efo digon o angerdd ac ymroddiad i dynnu cachu o din y dewraf ... dim ond biti am y genod diniwed y tu ôl i’r siwts.

A biti hefyd bod y gaeaf du a’i dywydd yn anadlu lawr ein cefnau a’r glaw ar fin dychwelyd i’n socian yn ddyddiol drachefn. Mi fuodd hi’n ha i’w gofio ac mi fydd yr atgofion yn llifo’n felys hir-felyn braf hyd y bydda i byw.

Ond dyna ddigon o sentimentaleiddio mae gen y Cofi Alltud beint i’w yfed ac mae’r syched yn tagu’i lwnc. Wela i chi wythnos nesa.

Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started!

Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg!

I am fond of ice-cream Rwyf yn hoff o hufen iâ I am not particularly fond of sticky toffee pudding Nid ydwyf yn rhy hoff o bwdin toffi gludiog I shall eat the cake if it does not contain nuts Fe fwytaf y deisen os nad oes ynddi gnau

Television

October 4 2003

Page 15

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Your essential guide to this week’s TV 4 October to 10 October

Who’s been naughty boys then?

Well we’re not telling so you’d better watch TV instead...

HOT The Pixies. As reforming is the new rock and roll, the news of a likely reformation of Boston’s greatest export is sweet music to the ears of a tired hack who can’t contain his loathing for that which is thrust upon him by the charts. Frank Black & Co I Love you.

SOAPS Hello soap fans!

I am really relishing the news I have for you. Yes, it’s time for the Corrie gay snog! Last week I was excited, but this week I’m positively having to wipe my seat down! My only reservation is that one of the ‘participants’ is asleep, and furthermore, I don’t think it’ll go any further. It’s sad really, as I think Adam Rickitt would make a sound gay icon.

And more sad news: Steph Scully finds ‘the lump’. You know, the one that means she’ll soon be off to the same place as Dee (and I don’t mean the dusty bin of Z-list slebs). On a lighter note, she may be fine and you might get to see a small amount of mammary behind Karl’s excitedly flexing fingers...

Oh, and keep an eye on Eastenders. Phil must die!

Lots of love from TV Holly xxx

Good evening kiddiewinks, It’s 1.45 am in the morning and it’s all going horribly wrong. Not only has Elton “syrup” John just come on the radio [purely in a musical sense thank god] but I’ve just remembered I have to give a presentation in front of my year in a mere 8 hours time. Welcome back to the real world people - it’s a very scary place.

I’d love to fill you in on all the saucy gossip from a certain tabloid front page story - but with our past experience with libel law I’ll leave it to someone dispensible like Matthew Wright to blurt out like a loud belch after a satisfying meal.

A slow starter this week with the Live Fame Academy Final on BBC 1 (11.35). Personally I ceased caring once that cock Peter was rightly removed for being a awful 60’s throwback. Maybe one of the ladies will win this year to buck the trend with this kind of show. Still winning didn’t help David “who?”

Sneddon’s career that much so it’ll all blow over soon enough.

This week’s awards ceremony, which given their “what a crock of...” factor, and general watchability regardless of who’s nominated for whatever subject matter, and therefore pick of the week by default, is The Q Awards (ch4, Monday 12.20am) It’s on late, and despite deliberate appealing to people who’ll go “yeah, can’t complain about them”, this years nominations are shocking. For one thing, David Gray is up for the “innovation” award.

Errr since when was one guy play-

DIGITAL WATCH Well, it seems to be a bit of a barren time for digital viewers at the moment. So whilst those sticking to good old fashioned aerial TV will be happily saving money, here’s a roundup of the best of a poor bunch for those with a box on top.

E4 seems the bastion of half decent digital TV this week with Six Feet Under and The West Wing continuing in their fine form. It’s not all imports either as the humiliation-fest that is The Pilot Show (E4 Monday, 11.30pm) continues to tickle ribs and split sides. The repeats of the painfully accurate Peep Show will also benefit anyone who has better things to do on a Friday night than set the video.

11pm Tuesday E4 sees the start of Kingpin, a six part series about a drug-trafficking family. I do believe this has more than a whiff of The Sopranos about it, which could either make it your cup of expresso or send you packing faster than those concrete shoes will drag you down.

Either way expect gritty American drama that us Brits just can’t seem to do well. Maybe we’re just nicer people at heart or perhaps we just can’t get a writer who instantly wants to make gangsters “mockney”. Watch it and make your own mind up...

ing an acoustic guitar an innovation? Also, if you MUST vote, don’t bother voting for the Foo Fighters as best band, because, like, they’re completely awful? Alright? Anyway, pop-culture baloney out the way, take a trip into the country with Ni Tipis a Nhw (s4c Thursday, 8.25pm). God knows how you pronounce it, and for the English among us, the good old language barrier could prove a bit uncrossable, but the premise is there. Man who sings who’s the son of another man who sings, decides to renounce traditional farming methods to live in a village of teepees overlooking Cardiff Bay. I don’t really want to say this because of the stigma of national stereotyping, but seriously,

this could ONLY happen in Wales, so lay back, switch on and be glad of what country you’re in, friends.

Tuesday night should be spent in company of Mr Kieran Hebden (aka Four Tet) playing his fabulous tunes at Clwb Ifor Bach rather than the gogglebox. But if you do decide to stay in you can fight for the remote as Wife Swap (ch4 9.30pm) and a programme about the legal wranglings surrounding the late, great Barry White’s abscence of a will (Can’t Take It With You BBC2 10.00pm).

After watching the vultures fighting over the corpse of Jimi Hendrix’s inheritance last week this could be another great chance to see humans at their greedy, venal best. Just to cheer you up like...

A random and (possibly) worthwhile pick is Simon, Simon (five, Friday, 3.45am).

Perfect for when you’re coming back from Lash, or some shithole in town, and are extremely pissed up. I couldn’t tell you what it’s about, apart from hydraulic trucks and mad occurences. So it should be a real laugh when the room is spinning and you’re not quite sure why there’s an old man in a trilby sitting in your lounge with you.

Or is that just me...?

VIDEOS TO RENT:BUY You want violence? You want more gore than Tarantino in an abbattoir? You want humour so black you could paint the night sky with it?

Then the Happy Tree Friends are for you.

Yes, I said the Happy Tree Friends. If you think this sounds more Teletubbies than Terminator, then you’d be right. But this mini series is more wrong than anything else you’ll probably ever see. Imagine Itchy and Scratchy having some very cute nightmares and you’re just about there.

This sick filth has been floating around the internet at www.happytreefriends.com for a while as a series of 2 minute flash animations which are both terribly sickening and pant wettingly funny.

Now the first batch have been collated as a DVD (entitled First Blood) and is available from all good stores now. As well as boasting 16 short cartoons the disc comes packed with extras such as mini Tamagotchi type games, animators commentary and preliminary drawings of the cartoons.

Finding Nemo it ain’t but the Happy Tree Friends are perfect for the sick puppy in your life. Just make sure your little brother doesn’t get too inquisitive.

NOT The Darkness.

Yes you may have been funny for 5 minutes.

Your songs may raise a smile even the mauling of Street Spirit, but can you go back to the hole you crawled out of now please. Spandex is so last month. Are you really Queen in disguise? Yes.

SPORT Rugby! Just what doctor sport has prescribed this week. Better than just your local valley side roughing it up down in the mud, this is serious. This is macho macho man international style, as The Rugby World Cup (Friday ITV1) belts off, only um, all the matches are on early in the morning. Dang!

FILMS Love it or loath it, Kevin Smith’s satire on Catholicism and Christianity Dogma debuts on Ch4 Monday 10pm. See Ben and Matt before they sold out, Salma Hyek as a nubile stripper, Alan Rickman without a cock and Jay and Silent Bob at their stoned best. Oh yeah and Alanis is God.

RADIO Nobody really cares about the documentary features shoved in the middle of Lamacq Live, do they?

You’re happily listening to something pleasantly tedious like Turin Brakes in concert (Monday, Radio 1 8pm), and some face-for-radio moron cuts in with the history of Brazilian tribal music and it’s non-existent rise to success in the Western World. Pah. But anyway, this Monday, and possibly for one week only there’s something potentially listenable.

Straight after the ‘Brakes there’s a documentary, Cutting Edge (11pm) about the highs, and more importantly the lows.

Apparently it’s a fact that everyone in the country either does it, or knows someone else who does self harm, so providing they don’t spend the whole time going on about Manics fans, this could be useful for everyone.

Television

October 4 2003

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Saturday 4 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Enchanted Lands 06.40 Moomin 07.05 UBOS 07.30 Mona the Vampire 07.40 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 What's New Scooby Doo? 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Match of the Day Live: Rangers v Celtic 14.35 Grandstand 14.40 Racing15.40 Football Half-Times 15.50 Snooker 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.40 Born to Win 18.40 Fame Academy II “Talent” contest with Cat Deeley and Patrick Kielty.

19.40 The National Lottery: Winning Lines 20.25 Casualty 21.15 BBC News 21.35 Fame Academy II The final - as if anyone actually cares anyway.

22.25 Parkinson With Sean Connery, Ricky Tomlinson and Boris Johnson MP. Plus music from swing sensation Michael Buble. News desk apparently met Boris the other day and laughed in his face. Serves the fat Tory cunter right. Boris is the perfect example of the “old boys network” giving the country a good old shafting.

And who’s that Michael Buble for fucks sake? Where have all our pop stars gone? You might be able to tell I’m a little peeved. Blame it on the 7 assignments I’ve been given in the first 4 days of my course. Grrrr.

23.25 Live Championship Boxing 01.10 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 02.05 They Think It's All Over 02.35 A Question of Sport 03.05 Top of the Pops 03.35 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 Weekend 24 09.15 The Sharp End with Clive Anderson 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 International Athletics 13.00 What the Victorians Did for Us 13.30 The Middle Classes: Their Rise and Sprawl 14.00 Racing from Longchamp and Chepstow 14.35 Trade Secrets 14.45 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 15.15 FILM: How to Murder Your Wife *** Hopefully a feature length documentary on the most successful ways of bumping off the old ball and chain directed in full colour gore by Sam Pekinpah.

Realistically it’ll be some sort of quaint British comedy featuring lots of “Oooerr Missus” and possibly several “Where’s My Washboard?”s.

17.10 The Great War “What was so great about it?” scream several million dead soldiers. 17.50 What the Papers Say 18.00 Snooker 19.30 FILM: The Comancheros *** 21.15 Eroica No this isn’t a mis-spelling it’s not Erotica, it’s not got tits in it and it’s about a piece of classical music. Therefore avoid like the proverbial disease infested Sports Desk Editor...

22.40 FILM: Where the Money Is With Paul Newman and Linda Fiorentino.

(Comedy, 2000) ** 24.30 Snooker 01.30 Snooker Extra 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: Curriculum Development: AS Guru: English 2 05.45 MotoGP I’ve just been informed that several 100 people tried to sign up for TV this year. I’m quite chuffed that people actually care enough to join us. JOIN US!!!!! Then again we’ve glued ourselves to the chairs and aren’t budging so you can’t yet though. Mwahahaha

06.00 GMTV 09.25 SMTV Gold 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 FILM: The Indian in the Cupboard *** This week Tony Martin teaches us how to evict Asian squatters from a council tenement in Bristol.

“GET OWWFFF MY LAAAND!!!” scenes. 14.20 ITV News; Weather 14.25 HTV News and Weather 14.30 On the Ball 15.00 Pirate Islands 15.30 Pirate Islands 16.00 Pirate Islands 16.30 The Goal Rush 17.05 HTV News 17.20 ITV News 17.30 You've Been Framed!

17.50 Celebrities under Pressure Hopefully a steamroller or 5 tonne lead weight.

18.50 Pop Idol 19.50 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 20.50 ITV Weekend News 21.05 Pop Idol Results 21.30 Denis Norden's 9th Laughter File An all-new parade of practical jokes.

Including the moment the earth literally moved in Weatherfield, and Bush and Blair as they've never been seen before. What? They’ve finally been caught tromboning each other.

22.30 The Premiership Will Wolves finally move off the bottom? I bloody well hope so. We might even have scored again. Much like that lucky lady last weekend.

24.00 FILM: Married to the Mob **** 01.40 CD:UK 02.30 Turn On Terry 02.55 Beck - Live at the Brixton Academy BUGGER ME WITH A FISHFORK - set the videos for this one kiddies, Beck Hansen is the absolute pimp daddy. Everybody now: “I’ve got two turntables and a microphone...” 03.55 Entertainment Now! 04.20 Cybernet 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Law and Order: Special Victim Unit five 22.10pm

S4C

five

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Days of Thunder Racing 07.30 F3 on 4 08.00 Trans World Sport 09.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Mastercard Mobo Awards 2003 11.35 Andromeda 12.30 Smash Hits Chart 13.00 Fashion House 13.35 Channel 4 attheraces 16.00 The First World War 17.00 Newyddion 17.10 Y Clwb Rygbi 19.30 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.45 Diolch o Galon Series celebrating unsung heroes. Won’t be featuring Buddy Holly then. “Ooh, Ooh - and you’re Mary Tyler Moore...”

20.30 Y Bws Gwlad 21.00 Llafur Gwlad Professor Merfyn Jones looks at the history of the dairy industry in Wales, telling the story of the Welshmen who controlled the London milk market, and how today more milk is being produced than ever before, though there are less dairy farmers. They’ll be using rats milk like Fat Tony then... 22.00 Pen Tennyn 22.30 FILM: Pitch Black *** Surprisingly good Sci-Fi fodder. 1st part of a trilogy apparently, the next one’s got Judy Dench in it. I wonder if she’ll be a night vision psycho too? 24.25 Who Got Michael Hutchence's Millions? Doris Cleaver of Hill Road, Caephilly. 01.25 World Rally: Italy 02.25 FILM: The Green Berets ** Sounds like rightwing macho bullshit. 04.55 KOTV

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake! 08.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 RAD 12.55 Popular 13.50 Our Hero 14.20 USA High 14.45 Agrippine 15.15 Flaunt Chart Show 15.45 Home and Away Omnibus 17.50 FILM: A Quest for Camelot (Animation, 1998) ** 19.15 five news and sport 19.25 Charmed 20.25 Alias As Vaughn unearths the truth about Sydney's near miss in Madagascar, she is horrified to discover the nature of a new ‘next generation' weapon. Has Star Trek suddenly become lethal?

21.15 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.10 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit A bisexual multimillionaire involved with a string of Russian lovers is found dead. Looks like our Deputy Editor’s snuffed it then. However his annoying assertion that Rachel Stevens will have a bigger musical impact than Led Zeppelin suggests otherwise. 23.05 Law and Order 24.05 FILM: Shampoo *** 01.55 Boxing Classics: Julian Jackson v Herol Graham and Chris Eubank v Dan Sherry 02.40 Boxing: Fight of the Week

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The Third Degree Many have opinions about the NHS but few know the true facts and figures. The NHS's annual budget is £64 billion but where does the money go? Ask me next year as I’ve just got a job in a hospital in Bristol. Awesome job related scenes ahoy.

19.40 Fame Academy on Three 20.15 Tamzin Outhwaite Goes Wild with Dolphins Animal porn on the BBC? They’ll do anything for viewers these days.

21.05 Little Britain 21.35 Fame Academy on Three: The Result: All contestants are lined up and shot like the vermin they are. 22.25 Fame Academy on Three: Final 23.25 Liquid Assets: Prince's Millions Might this be a good time to remind people that the mighty midget reportedly paid a boatload to have his lower ribs removed so he could perform the art of self-fellatio. Sucker.

24.20 Monkey Dust 24.50 Fame Academy II 01.50 Fame Academy on Three: Results and Final

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 11.50 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.10 Racing Rivals Extra Special 15.10 Airline 15.40 Movies Now 15.50 Pop Idol Extra 18.50 Rugby World Cup 2003 Preview Jim Rosenthal looks ahead to the forthcoming World Cup in Australia which starts on Friday, including features on all the major countries taking part. I’d hardly call Tonga a major country. Then again New Zealand has more sheep than people.

19.50 Pop Idol Extra 21.05 Planet's Funniest Animals This week Riath has an adverture as he escapes from his cage and visits a primary school - with hilarious results. 21.30 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 22.00 FILM: Far and Away *** 24.35 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 01.35 Pop Idol Extra 02.35 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 03.05 Teleshopping 04.05 Blind Date: Kiss and Tell This week features 7 Premiership footballers and one very lucky lady....04.55 Movies Now 05.05 Trisha

14.00 The Salon: Reappointment 15.05 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends Ross finds a strange growth on his buttocks. That’d be his face then. 18.00 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 18.30 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 19.00 Dawson's Creek Dawson's directorial authority is challenged when Natasha refuses to do a nude scene. I don’t blame her - I wouldn’t pose nude for Dawson either. How about you Riath? “How do you think I made money last summer?” Quite.

20.00 Joe Millionaire 21.00 Top Ten Duets Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan look at the couples who have set the charts alight over the years. These include Donny and Marie Ike and Tina Turner and Elton John and Kiki Dee. TV doesn’t get much gayer than this my friends. Unless Dale, Graham and Brian Dowling went on an ice skating holiday to San Francisco and stayed in a pink tent.

22.35 Sex and the City 23.15 Sex and the City 23.55 Sex and the City 24.30 Sex and the City 01.00 Joe Millionaire 01.50 Star Trek 02.45 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 03.05 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Malo Korrigan 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Malcolm in the Middle 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons Homer is told he needs a triple heart bypass and has to hire the cheapest surgeon in town.

“Hello Everybody....”

20.00 Fear Factor 21.00 Scare Tactics 21.30 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.30 Spend It Like... 23.30 Meet the Marks This week Cobley spends time with Karl Marx. The pair go to the park to feed the ducks and incite the masses to rise up against the capitalist pigs... 24.00 F-Spot: The Soccerati 01.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 02.50 Spend It Like...

03.40 Family Guy 04.05 Cribs 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager You must have better things to do on a Saturday night than stay in and watch TV. I hear there’s something going down at the Grovesnor Hotel....

As S4C except: 06.00 The Clangers 10.00 T4: Smallville 10.55 T4: Friends 11.30 T4: The Salon: Reappointment 12.30 T4: Smash Hits Chart 16.05 FILM: The Count of Monte Cristo** The original not the flashy remake from a few years ago.

18.00 French Leave 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 The First World War: Global War 20.00 Tony Robinson's Romans: Caligula Reports that this features re-enactments of his famous orgies with Robinson only answering to the title “Spanker in Chief” may be slightly exaggerated. 21.00 Hitler: The Rise of Evil 22.55 Heroes of Comedy: Sid James Funny man, but an absolute bastard apparently. 24.00 World Rally: Italy 01.00 FILM: Meet the Applegates *** 02.40 FILM: Cruel Intentions 2 ** Pointless prequel.

04.10 For Your Love 04.35 Norm Sitcom about a former professional hockey player serving a community service sentence. WTF?!!! possibly the worst ides for a sitcom since some wanker came up with the idea for My Family. 04.55 Inside the Mind of Tony Blair 05.55 Bagpuss My Blair could learn a lot from that saggy old cloth cat. If only the world was more like the legendary Oliver Postgate’s creations, we’d all be better off - albiet more jerky moving and eating string soup.

Fame Academy on Three: The Result BBC3 21.35

Saturday 4 October

Television

October 4 2003

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Sunday 5 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show presumably broadcast from the ‘earth’ station.

11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show which I won’t be watching; we don’t have politics in my village. We just have sheep.

13.05 FILM: The Last Flight of Noah's Ark But surely boats can’t fly? Unless they’re of a VW variety, perhaps.

14.40 EastEnders Omnibus.

Relive the “Hello, princess” moment, and let it send a shiver down your spine (shortly before you realise that it’s now October and you need to put the central heating on again).

16.45 Points of View Quick!

Write in and complain about Monarch of the Glen!

17.05 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.30 Songs of Praise 18.05 Rolf on Art 18.35 Antiques Roadshow Addictive, scintillating viewing.

19.20 Holiday 10 Best: Cities 20.00 Monarch of the Glen I fucking hate this shite.

Boring, depressing, no storyline. Who the fuck watches this, and if so, why, oh why?

21.00 Waking the Dead 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Inside Guantanamo 23.10 FILM: Air America ** With Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr. (Action, 1990) I also really hate Mel Gibson. I have no idea why the BBC have come out to get me tonight, but I shall retaliate by sending them a letter about all the veneral diseases I have had, and the BBC execs I’ve caught them off.

00.55 The Sky at Night 01.20 Joins BBC News 24

07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 To the Manor Born 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Time Flyers 13.10 Big Screen Britain 13.25 Sunday Grandstand 13.35 British Superbikes 14.05 MotoGP Report 14.15 Racing from Longchamp 17.00 Snooker Hazel 17.45 Scrum V 18.45 Snooker 20.00 Britain in Bloom 21.00 Ray Mears: Real Heroes of Telemark 22.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 22.30 Dead Ringers 23.00 Snooker.

00.00 Snooker Extra 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Key Skills: The Contenders 03.00 Secondary Schools: Scene Offside/Dead Drunk 04.00 Languages: Suenos World Spanish 1-4 05.00 Working in Construction: The Guide Zzzzzzzz, surely these can’t be the real listings? What is it about Sundays and TV? They should be like coffee and toast, or like dead bodies and necrophiliacs. They go together. So why have the beeb decided to show shit all day?

Is it because they know we’ll be trapped inside, avoiding work, hangovers and movement? Well, they’re complete cunts then. I for one do not want to watch snooker, rugby or superbikes (and I’m not sure how they earnt that accolade). In fact, I’m feeling quite nauseous due to the thought of this Sunday. No hangover tv? How will I live?

I’ll just have to stay in bed reading ‘Razzle: Forty and Naughty’ again...

06.00 GMTV 12.05 My Favourite Hymns 12.35 Waterfront 13.05 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.00 HTV News and Weather 14.05 Soccer Sunday 14.35 Creature Comforts 14.45 FILM: The Spy Who Loved Me *** 17.05 Creature Comforts 17.15 HTV News and Weather 17.30 Your Century 18.00 ITV News; Weather 18.20 I'm The Answer Dale Winton hosts a quiz show with a twist - members of the audience are all answers to the questions, and they are ready to tell why.

18.50 Emmerdale 19.20 Creature Comforts 19.30 Coronation Street Todd gives in to his feelings for Nick. Now this is what I’m talking about! It’s the gay snog! Except I have a huge reservation (fnarr) because Nick (the Rickitt) is asleep.

This happened to me once before and I was not best pleased - I would rather have been woken so I could participate, so to speak. Never mind. Hopefully the lube willcome out (double fnarr), and all will be happy.

20.00 Heartbeat This falls into the Monarch of the Glen realm. Destroy!

21.00 Sparkling Cyanide 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.15 Rugby World Cup 2003 Preview 00.15 It's My Life 01.00 Trisha 01.55 FILM: The Truth about Spring *** With Hayley Mills and John Mills. (Adventure, 1965). Yikes.

03.40 World Sport 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Coronation Street ITV 7.30pm

S4C

five

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Insektors 07.15 Bug Alert! 07.40 Totally Spies! 08.10 SpiderMan 08.35 Finding Nemo Special 09.05 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Y Clwb 14.00 G Girls 14.30 Stargate SG-1 15.25 Enterprise 16.20 Conversations with Rowan Williams 16.55 Maniffesto 17.25 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Ni Tipis a Nhw 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Portreadau: Peter Lord 21.00 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors 22.05 Newyddion 22.20 Death of a Scientist: The David Kelly Affair 23.20 Derren Brown Plays Russian Roulette I have to say that I agree with the wise words of Heat on this one.

Derren must guess which chamber a random has loaded in a gun and avoid using said chamber when he shoots himself. It seems a bit unecessary, pointless and unlikely to me. Maybe he’s friends with David Blaine...

00.20 Magick 00.50 World Rally: Italy 01.25 Fashion House 01.55 British Style Awards sponsored by Lycra and involving Pammy Anderson.

You have been warned.

02.55 Heavy TV 03.55 Scratch God, I’ve got the clap again...

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake!

07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.30 Redwall 09.55 Snobs 10.30 Disney Kids Awards 2003 12.00 Stepping Up 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.15 Divine Designs 13.50 FILM: Paint Your Wagon *** 16.40 At Home with the Eubanks 17.10 Britain's Worst Driver 17.40 five news and sport 18.00 FILM: The Jewel of the Nile ** Good god, I nearly dropped my mouse in excitement! I didn’t know that a sequel to Romancing the Stone was made! Great! Only if you can contain your fear of Michael Douglas though...Ed says it’s as shit as the first one, which is necessarily a good thing.

20.00 FILM: Wild Wild West ** 22.05 FILM: Bad Boys **** Hmm, Will Smith night on channel five. Is this a good thing? The inclusion of Wild Wild West makes me think not. And I only saw the beginning of Bad Boys before promptly falling asleep. So it can’t be good. Although I have fallen asleep having sex before...

00.25 Hollywood's Real Bad Boys 00.50 Major League Baseball - The Play-Offs 04.40 AMA Motocross

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 EastEnders: The Return of Dirty Den A one-off EastEnders special celebrating the return from the dead of the character Dirty Den Watts. With clips of actor Leslie Grantham's first days back on the Square. A week too late and an unnecessary repeat.

20.00 Fame Academy 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 Little Britain 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Burn It 23.00 They Think It's All Over 23.30 Love for Sale: The Lady in Red A programme about brothels, rather than Chris de Burgh’s ex-wife.

00.00 Fame Academy Remixed 01.00 What Not to Wear 01.30 Celebdaq 02.00 The Third Degree 02.55 Art in the City 03.25 The Third Degree

09.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 10.00 Pop Idol 11.00 Pop Idol Extra 12.15 Pop Idol Results 12.40 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 13.10 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.55 Coronation Street Secrets 18.55 Survival Special: Mzima - Haunt of the River Horse Surely the fact it’s called a river horse gives it away?

20.00 Pop Idol 21.00 Pop Idol Extra 22.15 Pop Idol Results 22.40 Coronation Street 23.10 Cold Feet 00.10 Celebrities Exposed 01.10 Beggars and Choosers 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 Ant and Dec's Banged Up with Beadle 03.40 Ant and Dec's Banged Up with Beadle How vile.

04.35 Judge Judy

10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon 20.00 The West Wing 21.00 Dawson's Creek Selfobsessed ‘adolescents’ with verbal diarrhoea.

22.00 Six Feet Under Nate discovers that Brenda's father has died and ends up taking Maya with him to the funeral. Ruth stalks Arthur when he takes a run.

23.00 Joe Millionaire Game show in which a builder gets a makeover as a millionaire, then 20 single women compete for the chance to date him - not knowing that in reality he is penniless. I still haven’t seen this, depsite the fact that it was my pick last week. I wish I had some money, although to be honest I don’t think the first thing I’d buy would be digital/sky/ whatever. I think it would be my MA, so that I could spend my next year sleeping...

24.00 The Pilot Show 00.30 The West Wing 01.25 Dawson's Creek 02.15 Six Feet Under 03.05 The Pilot Show

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Malo Korrigan 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 King of the Hill 12.30 King of the Hill 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Little Monsters 14.30 Futurama 15.00 Futurama 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Little Monsters 18.00 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 The Big Fantasy Women’s top ten fantasies.

No. 1: sex that lasts for more than five seconds...

23.30 Uncut! The Villa 00.30 Six Degrees of Penetration 01.00 More TV Stars Behaving Badly 01.50 Pop Years: 1988 02.40 Cops 03.05 Scrubs 03.30 King of the Hill 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager

As S4C except: 07.15 Bug Alert! 07.40 The Kids from Room 402 08.05 Totally Spies! 08.30 Finding Nemo Special 09.00 T4: Smash Hits Chart. 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks 12.30 T4: G Girls 13.00 T4: Fashion House 13.35 T4: British Style Awards 14.40 T4: Friends 15.10 T4: Will and Grace 15.45 T4: Andromeda 16.40 T4: Stargate SG-1 Although I realise how important this is to my housemate, it must go. 17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.35 Enterprise 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Death of a Scientist: The David Kelly Affair 21.00 Derren Brown Plays Russian Roulette Live 22.00 Magick 22.35 Fifty Greatest Magic Tricks 00.35 World Rally: Italy 01.15 FILM: Angel Heart **** 03.10 FILM: Theatre of Death ** 04.40 Men, Women and Dogs 05.05 Men, Women and Dogs 05.30 Bob and Margaret 05.55 The Clangers

The Big Fantasy SKY 1 10.00pm

Sunday 5 October

Television

October 4 2003

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grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Monday 6 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Hot Houses 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote Essential.

15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Eureka TV 16.40 Jackie Chan Adventures 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Holiday: You Call the Shots In Hong Kong. TV Andy’s parents have been.

“Fucking loved it.” Don’t let this piss-poor excuse for inter-celebrity love-in, probably with Rowland “Professional ‘Celebrity’” Rivron change your opinion.

19.30 The Biz 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Waking the Dead 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Trevor's World of Sport 23.05 FILM: Yanks *** 01.25 Sign Zone This week, the seven sided stop sign, the only signpost in use on the British highways not to be circular, square or triangular. Actually, bit of advice, don’t tune in expecting this to be as fascinating as that gem, because this will actually be a series of repeats of programs not even people with perfect hearing would bother watching. More proof, along with how shoddy See Hear is, that the deaf do get a rough deal in life.

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Rotten Ralph 07.30 I Love Mummy 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Bring It On 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Binka 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Wide Eye 09.30 Fimbles Eat shit, Tweenies. 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Little Bear 10.45 Andy Pandy 10.50 English Express 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 Let's Write a Story 11.50 Let's Write a Story 12.10 See You, See Me 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 Snooker 14.30 The Daily Politics Conference Special 16.00 Snooker 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Snooker 19.30 Landscape Mysteries 20.00 Mastermind This week’s specialist subjects include video game history, Benjamin Franklin and Henry VIII’s wives, which surely someone has as a specialist subject every week.

20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With Clint Boon and that boring woman from Kosheen. Spot the personality time.

21.30 The Kumars at No 42 Completely unfunny “comedy, with Sanjeev “That Asian guy who’s always the special guest on wannabe-PC talk shows like Des O’ Connor and Parkinson” Baskar 22.00 Early Doors 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker 24.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Trouble with Love...is that it exists.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Hilltop Hospital 15.30 The Flintstones 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I'm The Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Dev and Steve go head to head as Les is offered his old job back. Fnarr.

21.00 Family 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show With Jordan and Blue.

So The Late Review, this ‘aint.

23.20 The Premiership on Monday Who cares? Everyone would rather hear about The Premiership on Saturday Night, after lights out. Back of the net!

24.25 Champions League Weekly 24.50 Football League Extra 01.30 Today with Des and Mel 02.20 Now and Again 03.10 Entertainment Now! 03.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 03.55 Get Stuffed!

As probably one of the few people qualified enough to talk about this, this is a home-video-cooking spectacular, in which moderately fit university students cook banana shortbread badly and get crap all over their bedsits.

Go away.

BBC 3

ITV 2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 The Best of Fame Academy 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 EastEnders 21.00 Burn It 21.30 Terri McIntyre 22.00 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Grass Another spin-off raping the corpse of The Fast Show, although this time with one of the better characters, and probably the best actor, Simon Day. Screw Paul Whitehouse.

23.30 The Best of Fame Academy Oh no! It’s all over.

Sob. Also - why isn’t Ainslie from series one famous?

24.15 Liquid News 24.45 Stupid Punts 01.15 Human Race 01.45 CCTV 02.15 Dreamspaces Oh - OK then I dreamed last night I was beside a campfire with my dad and then realised I didn’t have any teeth. Apparently this is a castration complex.

10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.00 Pop Idol Extra 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals Go away 20.30 Champions League Weekly 21.00 RealLife: Heroes for Six Minutes Andy’s pick of last week. Fight Club with gay architects. True story. 22.00 Bad Boys 2 Not the film.

22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 24.00 Pop Idol Extra “Last night I dreamed Alex was dressed up in Steve’s clothing and he threw postcards at me,” Apparently this is an inbred office torture complex.

Coronation Street ITV 2 22.30pm

The Premiership on Monday ITV1 11.20pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bibi 13.15 Grand Designs 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.15 Planed Plant: Sgiliau Mas Draw 16.25 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Yr Ocsiwniar 20.30 Ffermio 21.00 Pobol y Cwm 21.30 Sgorio 22.30 Teachers Nobody watches this anymore. The soundtrack’s worse than previous years, Andrew Lincoln is hardly in it, the one point of interest exhausted.

Go away. 23.30 SAS: The Real Story: 24.30 Will and Grace 24.55 Speed Machines 01.55 The Other Final 02.55 Muse: Live at the Zenith DON’T watch this, they’re awful. And surely if you do insist on loving their pompous “no seriously, they’re so talented” up-thecanal bullshit, buy their live album Hullabaloo because then I’ll feel smug I haven’t wasted £15 on some flabby good-for-nothing CRAP. 04.00

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 Barney 09.25 Floyd's India 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: The Return of Charlie Chan ** 17.30 five news National and international news with Charlie Stayt.

18.00 Home and Away Josh discovers that love is not always enough. Max's book arrives. Is Alf completely mad? You can’t make this stuff up.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Animal Mummies 20.00 Killer Bee Attack .

21.00 FILM: Judgement Day **22.45 FILM: Showdown in Little Tokyo * 24.10 NFL Update 24.50 European Seniors Golf 01.40 Once again C5’s irrelevant foreign sports listings make way for this weeks hot hot music hits. This week: The Weakerthans - Aside, Black Eyes - Someone Gets Their Fingers Broken, The Rapture House Of Jealous Lovers, KoRn - All In The Family, Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees and the irrepressibly named ‘!!!’, with Intensify. Buy them all right now.

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 The Salon 20.30 Friends 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Sex and the City 22.30 The Pilot Show Sounds great, watch it.

23.05 Eurotrash Isn’t great, don’t watch it. 23.30 Trigger Happy TV 24.05 Hollyoaks 24.35 Smallville 01.30 Dawson's Creek 02.20 Sex and the City 02.45 The Pilot Show “I also dreamed that I’d been set loads of tasks to do and then Michael Jackson dressed in full Bad outfit (including glove) started following me around.” I don’t even want to know what complex this “apparently” is.

Anyway, any other hilarious dreams which aren’t just space filler because there’s never anything interesting to say about satellite channel repeat-a-thon’s, feel free to send them in, see them printed rather than us struggling to talk about Eurotrash.

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X Files 13.00 Pop Years: 1986 Hopefully including Depeche Mode, The Smiths, and The Cure, if they weren’t AWOL in ‘86. 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek 18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer One of the “When Willow goes mad” episodes. Wahey.

19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 21.00 FILM: Close Encounters of the Third Kind The most boring sci-fi film ever? With competition like Batteries Not Included, Short Circuit, Misson to Mars, Stargate and Star Trek - Search for Spock, it’s tricky.

23.35 South Park With Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, but don’t go thinking that will make this funny, yeah?

24.05 Star Trek: The Next

12.30 Compatible A short film examining the relationship between man and machine. Err... fnarrr? 12.35 Cheers Dubious sounding episode I’ve never seen, in which Sam, Carla and Norm go sailing and find a bomb onboard the ship. Cheers goes all Speed 2 on us? Wah. 13.05 FILM: It Always Rains on Sunday 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks Lee takes Natalie for a cruise in Dan's car but, when Natalie takes the wheel, things go wrong.

Ben has to attend a road traffic accident while on duty. Are these things related? 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Building of the Year 20.00 Speed Machines 21.00 SAS: The Real Story: 22.00 FILM: Dogma “Whaddayamean you haven’t seen Dogma!” - Andy **** 24.20 The Q Awards See pick of the week. 01.30 Headliners: Paul Weller Yeah don’t watch this either, Muse fans.

Monday 6 October

Television

October 4 2003

Page 19

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Tuesday 7 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Watch My Chops 16.35 The Queen's Nose 17.00 Byker Grove Lucy accidentally reveals Stumpy's dark secret. What secret?

That he’s got an awful first name? Or that he’s really a short tree wearing clothes?

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Harold fears Sky may be using drugs.

I understand his fears - have you the seen state of Rupert Murdoch recently?

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Holby City 21.00 A Life of Grime 21.30 They Think It's All Over 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Hospital: Under the Knife Stories from University Hospital of Wales in Cardiff. A bizarre initiation ceremony goes horribly wrong for a first year medic as his testicles are removed and then placed underneath his nose as a comedy moustache. Ouch.

23.15 The Crouches 23.45 Billy Connolly's World Tour of England, Ireland and Wales 24.15 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 24.45 FILM: Breakheart Pass *** 02.30 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 03.00 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt 03.30 Sign Zone: Garden SOS 04.00 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Snailsbury Tales 07.30 Chuck Finn 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Binka 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Bob the Builder 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Little Bear 10.45 Andy Pandy 10.50 BBC Primary Geography 11.10 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 The Daily Politics Conference Special 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Snooker 14.30 The Daily Politics Conference Special 16.00 Snooker 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 TOTP 2 18.45 Snooker 19.30 This Land: The Lakes 20.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 20.30 Hidden Treasure 21.00 Mind of a Millionaire Face of a homeless.

21.50 Space 22.00 Can't Take It with You Barry White, the guru of love, left ten children a wife and a girlfriend, so leaving no will was bound to lead to trouble.

It was Walrus of Love you daft bastards. Sack those researchers right now.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker 24.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered about Food? Yes what is the point of Marmite?

01.00 The British Family: Sources and Myths 01.30 England's Green and Pleasant Land 02.00 Secondary Schools Mathematics: Maths File 04.00 Languages: Suenos World Spanish 9-12 05.00 Working in Construction: Health and Safety

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 What about Mimi?

16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 Pirate Islands 17.00 I'm The Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale The police are confident that they have nailed Chris's killer. Fnarr. No wonder they’re called The Filth.

19.30 Infested: Under Your Skin A look at the creatures that bite, poison and suck blood. Thatcher features heavily.

20.00 Gardeners from Hell Satan gives advice on growing azaleas in a hot house.

21.00 Taggart 22.30 ITV News at Ten 23.00 FILM: Grumpier Old Men With Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. ** Not a patch on The Odd Couple or the original.

24.50 FILM: West Side Story **** Awesome dancing scenes as TV Desk gets up on the tables for a splendid rendition of “America”. I trod the boards in my old school days - admittedly as stage manager, but it still counts.

03.20 World Sport 03.45 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News I’m still sorely tempted to try and divulge the rumoured identities of those footballers with dirty tackle.

However the prospect of a shafting in the law courts stays my silver tongue. If only those boys had had the same thoughts.

Can’t Take It With You BBC 2 10.00pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 11.30 Yr Allwedd Hud 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Pei Pwmpen 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bryn Seren 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Tales from River Cottage 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Chwedlau Bywyd 16.10 Planed Plant: Popty Bach 16.25 Planed Plant: Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Dai is not having a lot of luck with Sab or Rhian. Perhaps the little Welshman should learn that having more than one at a time is greedy - or even downright illegal.

20.25 Byd Pws: Awstralia Dewi 21.00 Welsh in a Week 21.30 Wife Swap 22.30 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors 23.35 Cutting Edge: Tale of Two Alis 24.35 The Q Awards 01.35 My Sister the Geisha 02.05 FILM: Go *** No way near as hip as it thinks it is. 04.00 4Learning Well I’m about to leave this den of thieves to enjoy some jazz sounds courtesy of Chris Bowden. The first person to say “Nice” gets an alto sax in a very personal place....

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 Barney 09.25 Floyd around the Med 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Danielle Steel's Once in a Lifetime * 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Where did Rhys spend the night? I’m not sure but the anchor tatoo, handlebar mustache and tight leather trousers may offer some clue.

18.30 Family Affairs Melanie is missing her boyfriend.

Nothing a rampant rabbit won’t fix I’m told.

19.00 five news 19.30 Lights, Camera, Action 20.00 At Home with the Eubanks 20.30 Britain's Worst Driver I saw this the other day and the poor standard of driving scared the shit out of me. Watch and be afraid. 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.50 Murder Trail: Bobby Joe Long 23.55 The Others 24.40 NFL Game of the Week: Tampa Bay Buccaneers v Indianapolis Colts 04.25 NFL Extra Why watch TV tonight when the amazing Four Tet is playing Clwb tonight. Get there right away!

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 The Best of Fame Academy 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 3 Non-Blondes 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Burn It This week the pyros torch Lisa Riley like the human oil slick she really is.

23.00 Anna in Wonderland: Exorcist 23.30 The Best of Fame Academy 24.15 Liquid News 24.45 Stupid Punts 01.15 Human Race 01.45 CCTV 02.15 Changemakers 02.45 The Best of Fame Academy 03.30 Liquid News Fuck me, I’ve got a lot of space to fill here as BBC 3 decides to show nothing of importance. As well as another plug for the fabulous Four Tet, I have to give props to my brah’s in the hood [aka the gorgeous Amy and grumpy Steve] the Masters of Pharmacy [they can take our social lives, but they can never take our FREEDOM!] and Rephlex for the free records. Toasty.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Pop Idol Extra 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Trisha Extra 15.30 Emmerdale 16.00 Pop Idol Extra 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Chart Choice 20.00 Marry Me 20.30 Marry Me 21.00 FILM: Fletch With Chevy Chase and Joe Don Baker. ** Lamer than a geek with no feet.

22.50 World's Greatest Hoaxes Featuring George Bush’s Presidential win, Michael Jackson’s marriages, Elton John’s wig, Rivaldo’s talent and Jeffrey Archer’s entire life.

23.45 Pop Idol Extra 02.35 Late Show with David Letterman 03.25 Teleshopping 04.25 Judge Judy 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Oh my jazz days! The Chris Bowden gig turned out to be even better than I could have possibly imagined and I’m not even a big fan of the style. Kudos to Chris for being amazing, his bassist for being well funky and his drummer for being the best person I’ve ever seen beating the skins. Nice...

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 The Salon 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 Kingpin Six-part drama series about a drug-trafficking family.

Ernesto's ‘murder' puts Miguel in control of the cartel, and at odds with a pair of associates opposed to his new role. Does anyone smell a whiff of familiarity over the subject matter of this probably HBO made series?

23.00 Eurotrash Featuring Italy's Church of Sex. Their mitre’s had better be shaped like cocks or I’ll be mightily disappointed.

23.30 Trigger Happy 24.00 Hollyoaks 24.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.25 The West Wing 02.15 Kingpin 03.00 Eurotrash 03.25 Trigger Happy TV As the twilight zone descends on the GR office I suitably decide that Mogwai’s mind meltingly good “Come On Die Young” should soundtrack the ebb of our sanity and energy rather than the Nazi’s choice of the new Kylie or Holly Valance.

Another victory for the good guys I believe. Night night, chowheads.

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X Files 13.00 Pop Years: 1982 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Willow targets Andrew and Jonathan for destruction, triggering a spectacular battle between her and Buffy. Awesome flaying scenes.

19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons Homer moves in with a gay couple after discovering a letter Marge wrote years earlier listing his faults. As you do...

20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 Pop Stars Behaving Badly 22.00 FILM: Natural Born Killers With Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis.

(Thriller, 1994) *** Will be edited within an inch of it’s life. Buy the uncut DVD instead. Surprisingly great soundtrack from Trent Reznor.

24.15 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.15 Dark Angel 02.05 Titans 02.55 Uncut! Miami Uncovered 03.45 Cribs 03.55 Dead Like Me 04.45 Family Guy 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C except: 06.00 The Magic Roundabout 12.30 The Kindness of Strangers 12.35 Cheers 13.05 FILM: Train of Events *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Building of the Year 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 A Very British UFO Hoax 23.05 Brookside After being stuck in Tim's limo for hours, Jimmy and Margi find they have a lot in common. They decide to keep their budding romance quiet from Nikki, but for how long?

Ahem, didn’t Neighbours use this very plot device earlier this year. I think so.

24.35 The Secret Life of Us 01.30 The Secret Life of Us 02.20 Enterprise 03.05 Stargate SG-1 03.55 Top Tips from Teenagers Drink lots of cider, make out in playgrounds, hate your parents, go though a metal phase, dye your hair, get something pierced, get terrible PMS, squeeze your spots, fall in love with someone who has no desire in you at all, lose your virginity in a drunken haze, wake up under a park bench after a night out and most importantly don’t ever get invited back to a mans room if he earns his money kicking a bag of air around for 90 minutes a week.

Natural Born Killers Sky 1 10.00pm

Tuesday 7 October

Television

October 4 2003

Page 20

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Wednesday 8 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours Summer’s dreams of riding fall short. Hopefully that because she dies and can’t think anymore. 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Animal Arc 16.25 Watch My Chops 16.35 The Wild Thornberrys 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Jack is pursued

by Edwina. Who? Here’s guessing she’s blonde and ‘surgically enhanced’...

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Animal Hospital 19.30 Kenyon Confronts: Critical Condition?

19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek 20.00 Auction Man 20.30 My Family 21.00 The Human Mind 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 ONE Life: A New Life for Delise A girl pleads for a kidney donation. Well that’s me out of the running, seeing as I only have one.

23.15 FILM: Midnight Run(s) **** 01.20 Sign Zone: Watchdog 01.50 Sign Zone: Panorama 02.45 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 03.30 Sign Zone: Holiday 10 Best: Wilderness Breaks 04.10 Joins BBC News 24 To the man who accosted me on Tuesday: ”it’s my birthday” is not an adequate excuse...

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Binka 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 The Koala Brothers 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Little Bear 10.45 Andy Pandy 10.50 FILM: Me and My Pal ** 11.10 FILM: Hog Wild ** 11.30 The Daily Politics Conference Special 12.30 Snooker 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 Wildlife on Two 14.30 The Daily Politics Conference Special 16.00 Snooker 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 TOTP 2 Featuring immensely overrated ‘pube coat’ John Lennon, sensitively seductive the Smiths, and currently TV Andy singing in my ear.

18.45 Snooker 19.30 homeground: Enid Blyton's Dorset was full of talking animals. Ah, the old days.

20.00 The Life Laundry 20.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 21.00 Chelsea Tales: The Wealthiest Place in Britain Shite Young, Posh and Loaded.

21.50 Space: Flying Visits: Staying Alive 22.00 The Office 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Renaissance Secrets 01.00 Lie of the Land 01.30 Open Advice: Exam Success 02.00 Secondary Schools Mathematics 04.00 Languages: Suenos World Spanish 05.00 Working in Construction ...though it would have been if you were David Beckham, or had offered to buy me a drink...

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Meg and Mog 15.35 The Flintstones 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens Has Trisha renamed itself?

17.00 I'm The Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather “Sheep dies by anal rupture, etc. etc.”

18.25 Party Conference Broadcast by the Conservative Party .

18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Bill 21.00 FILM: Me, Myself and Irene ** TV John says “shockingly bad”, which is concise and accurate. Well done sir.

22.55 ITV News at Ten 23.25 Personal Services Gah, have you seen the disgustingly haglike escort on this, who is definitely an OAP? A more legal form of necrophilia perhaps. I can’t think of why you would otherwise.

23.55 Redcoats Yes, this is a real series.

00.25 CD:UK Hotshots 00.50 FILM: Rudy *** Starring Sean “Mike from Goonies now gay partner of Mister Frowdoh”, so is likely to be bollocks. 02.40 Football League Extra 03.20 World Football 03.45 Get Stuffed! 03.55 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Alex charms us all with the statement: “I like to think of Bush and Blair shagging.”

Personal Services ITV 11.25pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 11.30 Bitesize Bioleg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Slot Syniadau Sali 13.05 Planed Plant Bach: Miffi 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 French Leave 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.15 Planed Plant: Paaw 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Cynadleddol: Ceidwadwyr Cymreig 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Who has stolen Hywel's Porsche? TV Andy comes to the rescue and solves the crime: “It’s the pikeys from Butetown!”

20.25 Taro Naw 21.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Cymru v Argentina 22.00 Property Ladder 23.05 Party Conference Broadcast 23.10 Other People's Houses 00.10 Brookside 01.40 The Secret Life of Us 02.30 The Secret Life of Us 03.20 Coming Up: Money Can Buy You Love Quick! I’d better start saving.

03.50 FILM: Run Lola Run ***** Gutted that I haven’t seen this. TV John unhelpfully tells me that someone at his college had the same haircut as Lola. Cheers.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just Like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy, he’s put on loads of weight recently. 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 Barney 09.25 Floyd around the Med 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: The Perfect Mother ** Record and send to all your pining parents, freshers.

Mwhaha!

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Heroes of World War II: The Man Who Sank the Bismarck 20.00 Flying through the Sound Barrier 21.00 Jason and the Argonauts: Revealed They were actually astronauts!

22.00 FILM: The Silence of the Lambs***** “I can smell your cunt.” The ultimate chat-up line.

00.05 Major League Baseball 03.00 Major League Baseball Replay 05.10 European Drag Racing Championship 05.35 Fastrax To the clipboard charity cunt who abused me on Queen Street: doing your spiel at me when I’m on a bench is not fucking on. Fuck off and get a real job, you stinking student lamo.

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock 19.15 The Best of Fame Academy 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 EastEnders Revealed Natalie “maternal hippo” Cassidy reveals how she feels about growing up in front of the nation. Growing out, more like.

21.00 FILM: Waterworld ** 23.05 Little Britain 23.35 The Best of Fame Academy. Best? Best? Don’t get me started!

00.20 Liquid News 00.50 Stupid Punts 01.20 Human Race Event no.

43: egg and spoon.

01.50 CCTV 02.20 Changemakers 02.50 The Best of Fame Academy 03.35 Liquid News Why is there a pube in my keyboard? Looking round the office, I really hope it’s mine...

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Pop Idol Extra 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Trisha Extra 15.35 Judge Judy 16.00 Pop Idol Extra 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question People in towns and cities all over the UK give their responses to funny or odd questions.

Likely to include “Fuck off, cunt.”

20.00 Package Holiday Undercover 20.30 Package Holiday Undercover 21.00 Coronation Street Secrets “We actually make it shit on purpose.”

22.00 Airline 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Killers on Camera 00.00 Pop Idol Extra 02.50 Late Show with David Letterman 03.40 Teleshopping 04.40 Judge Judy 05.00 Movies Now 05.10 David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville Clark gets into a class election with an opponent who has the ability to control bees. Scary.

Sounds like something from Eerie Indiana...

20.00 The Salon It is with great regret that I take back my comments from last week that attempted to make this a watchable joy. I hang my head in shame, and apologise to all my readers (although you shouldn’t listen to me, I’ve got one tit bigger than another).

20.30 Friends 21.00 Perfect Match 22.00 Faking It USA 23.05 The Pilot Show Featuring Nadia Sawalha, Alicia Duvall and Lady Victoria Hervey.

23.35 Peep Show 00.05 Eurotrash 00.35 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.30 Perfect Match USA 02.20 Faking It USA 03.15 The Pilot Show

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X Files 13.00 Pop Years: 1993 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Mr Personality 21.00 Spend It Like...That cunt Robbie Williams.

22.00 Six Degrees of Penetration This week, a famous football team show off their finishing touches.

22.30 The Villa 23.30 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Dark Angel 01.50 Titans 02.40 Pop Years: 1993 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Fear Factor UK 04.45 Family Guy 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C except: 06.00 The Magic Roundabout 12.30 Water Stories 12.40 In Your Face: Ross Kemp by Jonathan Yeo 12.50 FILM: The Captive Heart *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Friends 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Building of the Year 20.00 Other People's Houses 21.00 Grand Designs Revisited 22.00 Teachers 23.05 Sex and the City 23.45 Outside: Coming Up 00.15 Party Monster 01.25 Outside: Coming Up 02.00 Outside: ALT-TV 02.25 Second Chance 03.25 World Rally Championship 05.10 Countdown 05.55 The Clangers Apparently, I am going to the Freshers’ Ball tomorrow with a gay man who says he would fancy me if he were straight...

Should I be worried? Actually, I’m more worried about the thought that I may possibly enjoy Girls Aloud...

The Silence of the Lambs five 10.00pm

Wednesday 8 October

Television

October 4 2003

Page 21

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Thursday 9 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 13.00 BBC News and Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours The one where Steph discovers she has breast cancer.

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today Quick, if you go down to the bay around half six and video the show, you too could be in the news, be it only in the background of the anchorman segments. But it’ll work out as around five minutes, and then you won’t have to bother for the rest of your lives.

19.00 Airport 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Garden SOS 20.30 Bargain Hunt With four amateur magicians. 21.00 Canterbury Tales 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time With three amateur policians and one ‘familiar face’.

Last time I saw this it was Sharron Davies, and the ageold “nah mate Bush only wanted the oil mate” argument 23.35 This Week 24.25 FILM: A Father's Betrayal ** Directed by and starring Brian Dennehey. I’m sorry who? 01.55 Sign Zone: Wild Down Under And you thought the BBC didn’t have TV rights for football...

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Fix and Foxi 07.30 Super Rupert 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Binka 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Sergeant Stripes 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Watch 10.45 The Daily Politics Conference Special 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Snooker 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Snooker 19.30 Iolo's Special Reserves 20.00 Time Commanders Military strategy game show.

Like celebrity Risk, or fantasy commandeering league.

21.00 Seven Wonders of the Industrial World 21.50 Industrial Nation 22.00 Essential Poems for Britain 22.30 Newsnight With Gavin Esler.

23.20 Snooker 24.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Science Shack 01.00 Caterham: The Survival of the Fastest 02.00 Return of the Flying Death Once in a while, a program appears on our listings which defies more or less everything. What’s a flying death?

What’s THE flying death? Why is it returning? Is it death whilst flying? or something flying that induces death?

Aaargh! Anyway, in absence of anything else on BBC2 (just LOOK at the number of boring programs about Industrial Britain) go out, have a good time, and watch this. And then all will be revealed.

03.00 The Challenge 03.30 Youth Creativity: Blast Even if you don’t like us, or Gair Rhydd, the view from our balcony is positively stunning.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 SpongeBob SquarePants 16.00 Globo Loco 16.30 Star 17.00 I'm The Answer...was Dale Winton’s response to the question “Who wants to host some absolute tat for large wadges of money?”

17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; .

19.00 Emmerdale Andy discovers a baby-faced stranger asleep in his bed, (seems the rusks cologne worked then) and Ashley is concerned that he has driven a wedge between himself and Zoe. Fnarr.

19.30 The Ferret 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Sweet Medicine Fiddle-dee-twee natural successor to Peak Practise, only ITV insist this is completely different and not related to the Simon Shepard vehicle, but as I once saw five minutes of it and as such, am an expert, I can accurate tell you they are 100% wrong. And also fucked.

22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 Killers on Camera 23.30 Karaoke Queen Walesbased karaoke competition, this week from Bangor and featuring “No seriously, we’re going to be famous” TNT as judges. Not unlike asking a grapefruit to judge your fruit salad.

24.05 LXG: Behind the Fantasy 24.30 The District 01.20 Turn On Terry 01.45 The Machine

BBC3

ITV2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News 19.15 The Best of Fame Academy 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 EastEnders 21.00 The Third Degree: Stars, Stripes and Human Rights 21.30 Art in the City 22.00 EastEnders This week, the return of Ethel to reclaim her ring Sonia bandies about every week.

22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 New Tycoons 23.30 The Best of Fame Academy 24.15 Liquid News 24.45 Stupid Punts 01.15 New Tycoons 01.45 CCTV 02.15 Changemakers 02.45 The Best of Fame Academy 03.30 Liquid News Simultaneous CD has broken out. Feedback-fucked NYC art rock vs Oh... what’s this, MORE avant garde hip-hop from TV Andy? Wish you were here?

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Pop Idol Extra 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Trisha Extra 15.35 The John Walsh Show 16.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.10 Judge Judy 18.00 Pop Idol 21.00 FILM: The Hard Way 23.00 The Frank Skinner Show 23.50 Pop Idol God knows who any of the people left are, but in the absence of any Fame Academy in our lives, we’re going to have to brush up, guys. “There’s a couple of fat ones and one of them’s an ex con” is my feedback.

There’s a start. Go conquer!

02.40 Late Show with David Letterman 03.30 Teleshopping 04.30 Judge Judy 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

Joe Millionaire E4 10pm

Emmerdale ITV1 7.00 pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE Watching them squirm... They’re on death row... they KNOW they’re going to die. 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 11.30 Bitesize Cemeg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Lisabeth 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 A Place in the Sun 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 16.15 Planed Plant: Hanesion Hyll 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 News 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Ni Tipis a Hnw See Pick of the Week.

21.00 Pen Tennyn 21.30 Llafur Gwlad 22.30 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 23.35 The Xtremists Documentary series about bungee-jumping. Expect a group of ass-tastic “dudes” talking about “rushes” and “air”, not trying to fill their unfulfilled lives with extreme sports or anything.

Remember kids, don’t bungee jump. Because it’s for boring people. 24.35 Scrubs 01.00 The Salon: After Hours 01.30 Monkey 02.15 Freesports on 4: Red Bull Local

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just Like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 Barney 09.25 Floyd around the Med 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: The Revengers * 17.30 five news National and international news with Charlie Stayt.

18.00 Home and Away Has Alf pushed Morag to her death? Yes! Because he’s “completely mad” if Monday’s episode is to be believed.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Great Artists 2 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 Help Me Rhonda Show obviously only created for it’s Beach Boys-tastic title. 21.00 FILM: Lock Up ** 23.10 The Moors Murders: L23.45 Arrest and Trial: Family Dishonour 24.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 24.45 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v RBC Roosendaal 02.15 Oh Channel 5, WHY must you insist on showing so many easily-deletable late night American football/hockey/tromboning matches? You’re losing your soft porn angle. Sky One’s got your crown now, you fools.

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 The Salon 20.30 Friends 21.00 Joe Millionaire Cruelty game show. The piece de resistence here is the cruelty is towards fickle American women. Yeah! 22.00 Six Feet Under 23.10 Queer as Folk 23.55 Hollyoaks 24.20 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.15 The Michael Essany Show Anyone else who’s seen this also reckons it’s a load of metaphorical? It seems to be about five minutes of Michael’s actual show, and then the rest of the show being comprised of either the taking of the show, or a documentary about Michael poncing about with his new found fame. Maybe if we got to see the shows that made him famous, it would be OK, but as this is the material TV Desk has to work with, then this can go away. 01.40 Joe Millionaire 02.30 Six Feet

07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X Files 13.00 Pop Years: 1981 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Little Monsters 21.00 Fear Factor 22.00 Scare Tactics 22.30 Football Years Series looking back over the past 20 years in football. This programme looks back at the 1990/91 season, when an Arsenal v Manchester United match turned into a 21-man brawl.

These days, you only need a young lady and a minibar to cause a ruckus, which shows just how much the modern game has changed.

23.30 The Big Fantasy Let’s pretend these two shows DON’T follow each other.

12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: Beat the Devil **** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun. 18.30 Hollyoaks Mandy tires of arguing with Tony, but does Tony enjoy their fights? Fnarr!

I often enjoy a good “fight”.

19.00 Channel 4 News.

19.55 Building of the Year 20.00 Tales from River Cottage 20.30 French Leave. 21.00 Cutting Edge 22.00 Russell Crowe's Greatest Fights Sounds suitably ridiculous. Has actual CCTV footage of the man in action, apparently. 23.05 The Salon: After Hours What’s after-hours about it? Surely they don’t bone each other in the Salon? 23.40 Wife Swap.

24.45 The Chemical Brothers - 10 Years of Block Rockin' Beats “10 years of tedious shite more like” 01.45 KOTV 02.15 Days of Thunder Racing 02.45 03.10 UK Supermoto Series 03.40 Trans World Sport 04.30 F3 on 4 04.55 Postmodern Pastimes “TV show commissioning and straw-clutching”

Thursday 9 October

Television

Page 22

October 4 2003

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Friday 10 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 10.50 A Service of Remembrance for Iraq 2003 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgemental 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Rugrats 16.35 The Ghosthunter 17.00 Bring It On 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Karl tries to reassure Steph about her lump: “It was just a gratuitous grope.”

18.00 BBC News.

18.30 Wales Today; Weather.

19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Fuck me, Stenders is boring. Why hasn’t Phil been shot and/or Sharon and Dennis arrested for (pseudo) ‘intimate incestual relations’? Instead we have feline fetishist Shirley traipsing around looking sullen and Yolande and Patrick making us sick. Bah, bring back Eldorado any day.

20.30 My Hero 21.00 Outtake TV Paul O’Grady presents beer-gut bellow session,with ‘hilarious’ clips from musty archives.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Bizarre guests are orally fixated Nigella Lawson, tired but recurrent Blur, there’s-something-wrongwith-him-but-I-can’t-tell-what Mackenzie Crook and smutty old Jamie Theakston, probably sporting a smug grin.

23.25 Meet My Folks 00.15 FILM: Convoy ** 02.10 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 The Lampies 07.30 Round the Twist Oh my god, have they started repeating this? I hope it’s not the one with the scarecrow under the bed; that gave me nightmares for weeks. Oh, actually there’s no way I’ll be up to watch it anyway. 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Noah's Island 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Binka 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Little Robots 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Speak for Yourself 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 Snooker 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Scrum V Live: Cardiff Blues v Leinster 21.00 Wild Down Under: Island Arks 21.50 Grumpy Old Men: Is This the World We Created?

Series taking an in-depth look at men aged between 35 and 54, very probably the grumpiest sector of our society.

Contributors including John Peel, Rick Wakeman, Will Self and Bob Geldof complain about such evils of modern life as body-piercing, fast food and call centres. Ah, call centres. The graduate jobcentre of choice. But surely their employees are the grumpiest sector of society...?

22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Snooker 00.25 The X Files 01.05 The X Files 01.50 Snooker Extra 03.00 AS Guru: Biology 1

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.10 Rugby World Cup 2003: Australia v Argentina 13.40 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Hilltop Hospital 15.30 The Flintstones 16.00 You Can Do Magic 16.15 All Grown Up! 16.50 You Can Do Magic 17.00 I'm The Answer claims Dale Winton. To the question “Who is the most orange cocksucker on TV”, presumably.

17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Debbie braces herself for a visit to the prison, while Cain tries to build some bridges with his daughter.

19.30 Coronation Street As Todd and Sarah try to repair their relationship, Nick issues a stark warning. Er, surely ‘the gay kiss’ is not actually his fault as he was asleep?

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Airline 21.00 POW 22.00 Incredible Stories “It’s true, really, and when I woke up I had come in my hair and everything.”

22.30 ITV Weekend News 23.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 00.05 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Qualifying 01.20 Love Match 01.55 Dare to Believe 02.25 Entertainment Now! 02.50 CD:UK Hotshots 03.15 Mixmasters 03.40 Suede in Profile 04.05 World Football 04.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 05.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Sex and the City S4C 10.30pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 4Learning 10.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Cymru v Argentina 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Popcorn 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De dum de dum.

20.30 Pobol y Cwm 21.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Cymru v Argentina 22.00 Sex and the City. Big is back in town which forces Carrie to realise how important he is to her. Well, as I keep saying, size really does matter, and is enough to change any girl’s mind.

Considering the extra large condoms I’ve just been examining, this comment falls in a particularly inappropriate moment.

22.30 Sex and the City.

Charlotte falls pregnant, and Samantha's attempts to dye hair in an intimate place goes wrong. Ginger minge!

23.15 Peep Show 24.25 Fashion House 00.55 FILM: Up Pompeii *** The old-school terminology for up the arse.

02.30 Days of Thunder Racing 02.55 UK Supermoto Series 03.25 British Rally Zone 04.00 Brazilian Football Championship 05.20 Countdown

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 Barney 09.25 Floyd around the Med 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 FILM: Quest for Justice ** 16.25 Open House with Gloria Hunniford: Celebrity Special 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Don is the victim of Alf's rage.

Fisticuffs abound (and I doubt Alf will stop to use Vaseline).

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Mission to the Deep: Raising the World's First Killer Sub 20.00 Ancient Murder Mystery 20.30 Psychic Secrets Revealed 21.00 MacIntyre UK Undercover: Who Cares for Granny? Er, I give up.

22.00 FILM: Savior *** 24.05 FILM: The Sergeant** 01.55 FILM: Mother Night *** 03.45 FILM: Simon, Simon **the misadventures of a gang of workmen driving a hydraulic platform truck.

With cameos from Peter Sellers, Michael Caine, Eric Morecambe, Ernie Wise and Bob Monkhouse. This sounds wicked! 04.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Beverly Hills 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

CH 4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock 19.15 The Best of Fame Academy 20.00 Celebdaq 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 What Not to Wear Tranny and Carthorse are back to get those who are lacking in style back to planet Vogue. And feel each others’ tits at the same time.

Strangely unarousing, however, and more annoying. If they told me what to wear I’d tell them, very sincerely, to fuck off.

22.00 EastEnders As above.

22.30 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions I don’t care that he’s made money from being an arse. Take him away!

23.25 The Best of Fame Academy 00.15 Celebdaq 00.45 Stupid Punts 01.15 What Not to Wear 01.45 CCTV 02.15 Changemakers 02.45 The Best of Fame Academy 03.30 Celebdaq

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.00 Pop Idol Extra 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.00 Coronation Street Secrets 21.00 18-30 Stoners Woo, is there a club for stoners? How do you join? What was I saying?

22.00 Great Escapes 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street Secrets 00.00 Pop Idol Extra 02.50 Late Show with David Letterman 03.40 Teleshopping 04.40 Judge Judy 05.00 Movies Now 05.15 Rugby World Cup 2003: New Zealand v Italy

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville A cropduster claims that he observed more than just a meteor shower - endangering Clark's secret. Clark obviously got the wrong impression as to what ‘crop dusting’ was...

20.00 The Salon 20.30 Friends 21.00 Teachers 22.00 Wife Swap I stand corrected about my idea for husband swap - except that it was pointed out that straight men are all the same. I disagree: according to this programme, there are two sorts: the ones who embody sex, beer and on the dole, and the ones who clean and cook and perform cunnilingus (probably). Although I reckon their cleaning obsession is compensating for penises like button mushrooms.

23.05 The Pilot Show 23.30 Shock Video 00.05 Hollyoaks 00.35 The Secret Life of Us 01.30 The Secret Life of Us 02.20 Smallville 03.05 Teachers

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X Files 13.00 Pop Years: 1998 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation Picard tries to prove that even a machine has rights. Shit, let’s hope that my vibrator doesn’t join the revolution.

18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.30 Scrubs 21.00 Dead Like Me 22.30 Mile High 23.00 Back to the Beach 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Titans 02.40 Pop Years: 1998 03.30 Cream 04.20 Family Guy 04.45 Family Guy 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C except: 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Twelfth Night 9.55 Book Box. 10.10 Spanish.

10.35 Spanish. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Design Challenge. 11.40 Design and Make it. 11.55 Life Stuff.

12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Water Stories Today, a girl's lifelong obsession with otters.

I couldn’t make this up.

12.40 Cheers 13.10 FILM: Chase a Crooked Shadow *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Conversations with Rowan Williams 20.00 Supercities UK 20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 Scrubs 22.35 Sex and the City 23.15 Peep Show 23.55 The Osbournes 00.25 Fashion House 00.55 Freesports on 4 01.30 Monkey 02.20 Tag 26 02.40 The Anatomists Gunther von Hagans. Wicked!

03.35 Brazilian Football

18-30 Stoners ITV 2 9.00pm

Friday 10 October

“Motion to Student Council: N e w Solus dress code”

Join the Student Council and be part of the governing body of your students’ union... and stop motions like this getting passed.

S

tudent Council meet every other Monday, 6.30pm in the Council Room on the top floor of the Union. Turn up on the day, or email Rami at the address below.

Monday October 6, October 13, October 27, November 10, November 24, December 8 For more info contact Rami Goussous: e-mail: goussousr1@cf.ac.uk Phone: 02920781427

“

I have confidence in myself and the people round me . . .

IMG fiasco uncovered

”

Cardiff Coach Dai Young, September 2003 Team focus this week, Windsurf Club

Back page

Issue 744. 4 October 2003 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cardiff.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

page 27

Rugby World Cup Preview. Page 26

COMMENT. Below Page 25

GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCU

GR SPORT FOLIO

TO MANY PEOPLE, frisbee is something one would play in the local park on a sunny day.

However, as Great Britain international, and Cardiff student, Tasha Nishiyama says, it is a sport not to be taken lightly; " It’s really physically demanding.

I’ve played most mainstream sports like hockey, netball and tennis, and it’s so much harder.

We’re not like most sports. We go to tournaments at weekends and play all of the teams over one weekend rather than Wednesday afternoon matches. So you have to be pretty fit because we play indoors up to eight

Tasha Nishiyama University Frisbee team

By David Williams

Greek has a smashing time on the green baize of home

By James Woodroof A SUPERB PERFORMANCE from Emmanouil Pespatis gave the B team starlet victory in his first attempt in the annual Snooker Club Fresher’s Tournament last Saturday.

The tournament attracted 27 players of mixed ability, who took part in nearly 6 hours of play.

Club Secretary Mal Stanford summed up the success of the tournament stating, “It turned out really well”.

Pespatis, who is currently ranked number seven in Greece, played with

confidence and style in his five matches, and was characteristically modest in his triumph, acknowledging beaten finalist and club President David Mills’ valiant effort before deservedly lifting the trophy, stating; “I look forward to defending the title next year”.

For the first time ever, the competition included two female players, which was testament to the club’s ambition to create a Ladies’ Team in the foreseeable future.

Meanwhile, in the first league clash between the Universities “B” and “C” teams, the B team credibly pushed aside the underdogs 4-1.

The B team’s first match of the season proved triumphant, but can expect

stiffer opposition in the forthcoming weeks.

The C team can take heart from their performance on Sunday evening, and following a 5-0 win over South Wales D, due to a no-show last week, they stand in good stead at this early stage of the season.

The UWCC A team began with a 50 win by default over Canton A having lost last week to Wellington in a very close match, in which the deciding frame was lost on the final pink.

As a result of this promising start to the season the club is optimistic for success in the Cardiff and District Snooker League and the BUSA championships to be held in March 2004.

@

JOINED A SPORTS CLUB???? ....THEN JOIN THE WEBSITE!

www.cardiffstudents.com FAILURE TO GET ON-LINE RESULTS IN FAILURE TO PLAY. SIMPLE.

or nine games over the weekend.

Outdoors we play probably games a weekend and they can be over one and a half hours long." " In this country we’ve got something like 250 clubs and probably about 100 clubs that regularly play together and there are big national competitions."

Tasha, 20, who is a medical student, also represented her country over the summer. " I’m the youngest player on the Great Britain team. This is my first year; hopefully it won’t be my last.

As Great Britain we did really well this summer. We got three golds and two silvers in the European Championships. We were the only country to make the finals in each of the divisions; men’s, women’s, mixed, masters and juniors."

Unlike many who play frisbee, Tasha started before coming to university. " I started at school which is really unusual. Most people don’t hear about it until they go to university.

My school had a team and were really short of players and they asked me to play. I got hooked after that and haven’t stopped yet."

As a minority sport, ultimate frisbee is at the bottom of the pecking order of television companies in this

country. However, it has a big fan base in the USA and Europe where it is given more of a fair billing in the media. " I played out in Denmark over the summer and they showed it on their evening sports programme. It’s a shame it’s not covered here."

As a valuable member of university’s team, Tasha is confident that success will come quickly for the Cardiff side. " We had a very strong team a couple of years back with the players that started the club. This year we’ve got some really good players that all started last year and have developed really well.

At the moment we have 85 members but we are still in the trial stages where people can come to sessions without paying."

In a few years time, maybe ultimate frisbee will be a lot bigger than many think and it may gain the credibility that it is trying to earn. With Tasha in the side, the future looks rosy for Cardiff and Great Britain.

Coming up in future gair rhydd interviews; football’s Gavin Ramjaun, cricket sensation James Tomlinson and 3rd team football captain Gaz Nettleton.

Blue days for Cardiff

By Nick Byrne, CARDIFF BLUES coach Dai Young has come out fighting, after their loss to Borders in the Celtic League brought about renewed criticism of his coaching.

Young insists he is the man for the job and has urged that, “the true fans take the time to look at the big picture of what is happening at Cardiff ”.

Already under pressure due to The Blue’s poor start to the season, Saturday’s capitulation at the hands of Borders, one of the weakest team in the competition, has merely added strength to the continued criticism of Young’s coaching and recruitment policy.

Blues fans have inundated radio and television shows with their disapproval at the latest on-f ield calamities at Arm’s Park. The manner in which they lost, with barely f ive minutes passing before yet another Cardiff player committed a basic error is what has hit the fans the hardest.

The errors continued right up to the final minutes, surrendering possession at the death when all they had to do was field a basic kick-off, Cardiff managed to grab defeat from the hands of victory.

There have been rumours of an experienced coach, such as Graham Henry coming in to help out Young, but the former Wales and British

Lions prop is not keen on the prospect, “I have confidence in myself and the people I have got round me…things have been disappointing and frustrating but it is up to me and the players to prove the critics wrong.”

Young’s support of his squad has not been mirrored by the players, despite this lack of public support Young will most probably be safe for now, with 14 players out through injury and World Cup duties providing an excuse for Cardiff ’s failings.

There is clearly a lot of hard work to be done if Young is to keep his promise that, “once the players are back we’ll be a match for anybody”. For his and Cardiff ’s sake let’s hope he’s right.

Several Blues players are out

Sport

Page 26

October 4 2003

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Let the games begin . . .

David Williams looks ahead to the forthcoming Rugby World Cup and who will be the names to look out for ENGLAND - POOL C

WALES - POOL D Despite failing in the Six Nations this year, Steve Hansen’s side had victories in their last two warm-up games to give them some hope of making the quarter-finals and renew the confidence that has been at an all time low in recent years. They will need captain Colin Charvis and a blend of youth and experience to guide them through a tough group and bring back memories of their 3rd place finish in the inaugural World Cup in 1987.

Key man – Iestyn Harris Prediction – Quarter-finals, only just Pool Matches - v Canada, Sunday 12th Oct, 9AM (BST) Melbourne v Tonga, Sunday 19th Oct, 9AM Canberra v Italy, Saturday 25th Oct, 9.30AM Canberra v New Zealand, Sunday 2nd Nov, 9.35AM Sydney

For all of the hype surrounding Clive Woodward’s team going into the World Cup, England must feel that this is their best chance, since losing in the 1991 final, of lifting the trophy. With supporters looking towards Jonny Wilkinson as the man to lead them to the final, Woodward knows that his hugely experienced pack of forwards could hold the key to victory, just as they did down under in the summer. However, the England fly-half will need to be on top form if he is to avoid being the target for flankers like France’s Serge Betsen. Key man – Martin Johnson Prediction – Runners-up Pool Matches - v Georgia, Sunday 12th Oct, 1PM Perth v South Africa, Saturday 18th Oct, 1PM Perth v Samoa, Sunday 26th Oct, 9.30AM Melbourne v Uruguay, Sunday 2nd Nov, 7.30AM Brisbane

SCOTLAND - POOL B

IRELAND – POOL A

Scotland go to Australia as the weakest of the home nations with one of their poorest squads of the last ten years. Even with Ian McGeechan at the helm, the Scots don’t have the speed or skill in the backs to trouble any of the major sides. They may even find it hard to get through their group with the likes of France and Fiji to tackle. Bryan Redpath and British Lions Tom Smith and Simon Taylor will need to be at the top of their games if Scotland are to progress beyond the pool stages. Key man – Gregor Townsend Prediction – Quarter-finals Pool Matches - v Japan, Sunday 12th Oct, 11AM Townsville v USA, Monday 20th Oct, 10.30AM Brisbane v France, Saturday 25th Oct, 11.30AM Sydney v Fiji, Saturday 1st Nov, 5AM Sydney

Martyn Williams

FRANCE - POOL B

SOUTH AFRICA - POOL C The historic win in 1995 should have been the catalyst for the Springboks to become a major force in World rugby for years to come. However, after a short period of success, South Africa haven’t eclipsed the standards set

by Pienaar and co but Joost van der Westhuizen will be the Boks’ main threat in the loose as a young squad look to put behind them some of their ill-disciplined performances of the last year. They did, though, manage a win over Australia in this year’s Tri Nations which should give them a boost ahead of the first group match against Uruguay.

Key man – Joost van der Westhuizen (below) Prediction – Quarter-finals Pool Matches - v Uruguay, Saturday 11th October, 1PM Perth v England, Saturday 18th October, 1PM Perth v Georgia, Friday 24th October, 11AM Sydney v Samoa, Saturday 1st Nov, 7.30AM Brisbane

Redpath

NEW ZEALAND – POOL D It’s hard to believe that New Zealand have only won one World Cup but the All Blacks go into the World Cup with, as usual, massive expectations on their shoulders, having failed in their last two attempts. Coach John Mitchell has picked his Rokocoko squad on form and not reputation which means world class players like Cullen, Mehrtens, Oliver and Taine Randell all miss out, and Jonah Lomu’s kidney condition hasn’t sufficiently improved enough. However, this does not mean a weakened side and Mitchell’s team are fresh from an impressive Tri Nations title win. The back three of Miliaina, Howlett and Rokocoko could be the stars of the tournament. The only doubt is whether Carlos Spencer’s goal kicking will be up to standard. Key man – Kevin Mealamu Prediction – Winners Pool Matches - v Italy, Saturday 11th Oct, 5.30AM Melbourne v Canada, Friday 17th Oct, 10.30AM Melbourne v Tonga, Friday 24th Oct, 8.30AM Brisbane v Wales, Sunday 2nd Nov, 9.35AM Sydney New Zealand preview by Mark Giles

Wilkinson

After failing to make the quarter-finals last time round, the Irish will be hoping to qualify for the latter stages of the tournament this year. And, who knows, they could be dark horses for the semifinals if they continue the form they showed earlier in the year. As ever, they will need talisman Keith Wood injury free and inspirational captain Brian O’Driscoll to lead the Emerald Isle against the likes of Australia in the group stages. Fly-half David Humphrys will also need to kick well to keep Ireland in touch with the rest. Key man – Brian O’Driscoll Prediction – Quarter-finals Pool Matches - v Romania, Saturday 11th Oct, 8AM Gosford v Namibia, Sunday 19th Oct, 11AM Sydney v Argentina, Sunday 26th October, 7.30AM Adelaide v Australia, Saturday 1st Nov, 9.35AM O’Driscoll Melbourne

Beaten finalists four years ago, and runners-up in 1987, after beating hosts Australia in an epic semi-final, France must feel that they are due to go one step further in Australia. And, after their amazing semifinal win over New Zealand four years ago, they have to be taken seriously by the other big teams, even if they had, by their standards, a disappointing Six Nations. The French seem to be able to turn on the style at will, and if they bring their ‘A’ game to the World Cup they could be a danger to England if they meet in the semi-finals. They will need their adventurous and exciting backs to be on song, led by Fabien Galthie.

Key man – Serge Betsen Prediction – Third Pool Matches - v Fiji, Saturday 11th Oct, 10.30AM Brisbane v Japan, Saturday 18th Oct, 10AM Townsville v Scotland, Saturday 25th Oct, 11.30 AM Sydney v USA, Friday 31st Oct, 8.30AM Wollongong

AUSTRALIA – POOL A The Wallabies have, without doubt, the best World Cup record having won in 1991 and 1999. However, the host nation is still smarting from a fifty-point defeat to the All Blacks in the Bledisloe Cup, and a poor Tri Nations series. The Aussies go into the competition as third favourites, and, like the last tournament, will thrive on having the tag of underdogs. They will be looking to highly experienced srum-half George Gregan (above) who is playing in his third World Cup, and exrugby league winger Wendell Sailor to supply the scores, following in the footsteps of world try record holder David Campese.

Key man – Stephen Larkham Prediction – Fourth Pool Matches - v Argentina, Friday 10th Oct, 10AM Sydney v Romania, Saturday 18th October, 7AM Brisbane v Namibia, Saturday 25th Oct, 7AM Adelaide v Ireland, Saturday 1st Nov, 9.35AM Melbourne

University Sport

Page 27

October 4 2003

grsport@cardiff.ac.uk

A word from the AU President...

This week Tom Brown reflects on the A.U.’s busiest day of the year FRIDAY 26TH SEPTEMBER was an exciting and hectic day for the Athletic Union as it hosted the annual Sports Fayre in the Great Hall.

51 sports clubs set up their stalls and over the day successfully attracted over 3,000 members.

There were some excellent displays on show thanks to the great efforts of dedicated club committees including the use of sailing boats, windsurfers, and climbing ropes.

The Fayre`s success was also down to the hard work of the A.U. staff, Marion and Nick, the A.U. Vices, Bethan and Phil and the helpers who manned the computers on the registration desks all day. A huge thank you to all!!!

For those students who did not manage to attend the Sports Fayre it is not too late to join a club. All you need to do is head up to the 3rd floor in the Union, take a look at the club noticeboards in the A.U corridor and contact the committees of the clubs that you are interested in joining.

Also you can take a look at the website at www.cardiffstudents.com where you can find information about the A.U. and all of the sports clubs.

After such a successful Sports Fayre, I am sure that we have had many outstandingly talented new and old members sign up to the sports clubs.

I look forward to encouraging and helping these athletes achieve major successes both for themselves and for the University.

Also, I am excited to see such dedicated and enthusiastic commit-

tees working so hard to make every new member feel welcome to their club no matter what ability they possess.

Sport is an essential part of life for thousands of students at Cardiff University, which makes it so important that we ensure that Wednesday afternoons are kept free for sport and are not increasingly used for lectures.

On Wednesday 22nd October 2003 the A.U. is promoting sport in the University by a visual campaign called Get Your Kit ‘ON’ where all students, no matter if they are a member of a club or not, are encouraged to dress up in a sports kit in their morning lectures.

This campaign is also in support of the Global Football Challenge, which hopes to raise £500,000 for the Red Cross Disaster Fund.

The Challenge, led and attempted by Cardiff University students, is to set a new world record by playing seven official games of football on seven different continents in ten days. This involves another world record attempt for the first game ever to be played in Antarctica.

I urge everyone to wear their sports kit, buy a raffle ticket and come to Rubber Duck where the awesome prize draw will take place. For more information watch this space in the next Gair Rhydd.

Lastly, if you have joined a club, it is imperative that you also register online at www.cardiffstudents.com so that you are allowed to participate and able to receive communications from the club.

Sub-Aqua club look for people to take the plunge

CLUB FOCUS WINDSURF CARDIFF WINDSURF CLUB aims

By Lucy O’Neill and Sarah Millward to get you wet...every Wednesday at Cosmeston Lakes!

With kit suitable for all abilities and the opportunity of an afternoon of entertainment, it is not to be missed!

Following happy hours of sailing, paddling, and battling with the swans, a freestyle mini-event takes place.

This is a chance for self-expression on the board. Anything goes here: comedy dismounts, somersaults, handstands...the wetter the better!

We’ve even had new tricks coined.

Each week the most creative display is rewarded with the much sought after ‘Cloak of Destiny’.

EVENTS As well as Wednesday afternoon windsurfing, the club also participates in regular weekend events around the country. These enable all students to

compete against windsurfers of their own level.

The first of these weekends is organised by The Student Windsurfing Association (SWA). It is held this month in Weymouth. This is a fantastic opportunity for all levels of tuition.

The beginners get a chance to obtain their RYA Level One, Carve sessions are held for the intermediates, and the advanced have freestyle tuition.

Throughout the remainder of the year each university hosts their own event.

Cardiff’s spectacular event, ‘Search for the Baylord’ is held in November at Cardiff Bay. Races are held on the Saturday and Sunday for each skill level. A competitor has to race to a buoy and return to land with sail and board to be in with a chance of winning.

The rules on how this is achieved are fairly relaxed. Paddling out and back can result in a perfectly legitimate win for a beginner! With hundreds of students descending on Cardiff to make the most of wind, water and alcohol, this year’s event promises to be an even bigger festival of fun than last year.

The Windsurfing can even extend

abroad. Friends made in the club over the year means that no one is alone in their desire for sunshine and warm water to fall into. This summer, holidays were independently organised by members to Fuerterventura and Sardinia. Great advice can be given by club members on international destinations. Just remember to leave the wetsuit in Britain!

SOCIAL Notoriously sociable, Cardiff Windsurfers are, perhaps, particularly well-known for their ability to windsurf with monster hangovers.

Even the most introvert among you would not be able to resist the charms of our very own ‘Fancy Dress Co-ordinator’. Themes such as Hawaiian, house and garden, time-warp Rubix cube and superheroes, ensures fashion icon status.

THE CLUB The club meets several times a week for both the Wednesday windsurfing sessions, and the many social events. All are welcome to come along and see for themselves the many and varied joys of windsurfing!

Everybody’s gone (wind) surfin’, surfin’ Cardiff Bay

“In a few years time ultimate frisbee will be a lot bigger than many think”

AU lowdown

Rugby World Cup

Athletic Union President Tom Brown discusses all the fun of the fayre Page 27

Everything you need to know about the upcoming World Cup. Page 26

Tasha Nishiyama Page 25

4 October 2003 - Issue 744

email gsport@cardiff.ac.uk

YOU’RE HISTORY History among those axed as IMG cull claims seven EXCLUSIVE

By Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Editor IMG CHAIR Becca Murphy is planning a merger of teams to fight the controversy surrounding the axing of seven sides from the forthcoming season.

The merger will involve teams already established in the league linking up with other sides to make space for the excluded clubs.

The seven teams, including reigning netball Champions Carbs A and stalwarts History Football Club, have been prevented from taking part in this year’s competition after failing to register on time at the Sports Fayre last week.

Robert Evans of Planathanaikos, another side not lining up when the season kicks off next week, complained, “it is annoying when teams like us, History and Engineering have all been booted out when we have been in the league for years. History have been around since the start and by not

letting them play is plain insulting.”

Murphy, elected to the post earlier this year, explained, “due to a lack of pitches and lack of time we are restricted to just 18 netball teams and 32 football sides, and it is first come first served on the day of the Sports Fayre if you want to enter a team.

Sadly for the three football teams and four netball sides from last year, they may not be able to compete. We have a reserves list so if anyone drops out they can step in.

‘I know it is unfair because I love my netball on a Wednesday afternoon,

but without extra facilities or money then there is no way of extending the league and I’m sorry to those teams who missed out,” Murphy said, “but we are approaching teams with a view to merging them so that we can get more players involved and no one has to miss out.”

On the football pitches of Pontcanna the void left by History, regulars in the competition since its conception, Planathanaikos and Engineering, will be hard to fill.

Absent from the netball fixture programme will be both the all-conquer-

ing Carbs sides, whilst Phist and Economics will also miss out.

Disappointed Economics Captain Robyn Jelley commented, “I am absolutely gutted,” and an equally despondent James McLaren of History FC said, “I can’t believe this.

I live for my game of football on a Wednesday, it’s more important than my family to me. I’m able to live out my dreams on Pontcanna fields but all that has been ruined now. I just hope this merger can go ahead because I don’t know what I will do if it doesn’t.”

International class Cardiff City 0 - 0 Wigan Athletic

By Riath Al-Samarrai STINGY DEFENCES and poor attacking drained all excitement from this goalless draw on Tuesday night in the Welsh capital.

Whilst Cardiff lacked the invention to convert any of their fine possession play, Wigan displayed none of the desire necessary to pose any threat to the Bluebirds back line, and much of the play remained in midfield.

Graham Kavanagh, amidst justified talks of an international recall to his native Republic of Ireland, turned in the type of performance befitting a man identified as the possible replacement for Roy Keane.

Strong in the tackle and clever in distribution, Man-of-the-Match Kavanagh

was the thriving spirit of every piece of Cardiff’s defensive or attacking play, and his performance was as notable for its calibre as the rest of the side was for its distinct mediocrity.

After an anxious opening passage of play where the ball was cheaply conceded by both sides, City found composure first and were unlucky not to take the lead.

Robert Earnshaw, making a name for himself for the near natural ability he holds in his two feet to find the net, switched to play the provider and though his left foot cross was perfect in its accuracy, strike partner Peter Thorne could only head wide of John Filan’s goal.

Shortly afterwards Geoff Horsfield pounced on a moment of indecision by Rhys Weston, but his shot brought the best from keeper Neil Alexander in the

Bluebirds goal.

With 14 goals in just 11 matches, Earnshaw on the pitch is a warning that goals will come, but sadly for the 15,000 home support the Zambian born star could not convert any of his menacing runs and hard work into a score.

His best chance came just before half-time when his superb touch and turn left Steve McMillan on his backside admiring the Ninian Park turf, but with just Filan to beat, the instinct familiar as breathing to Earnie deserted the Welsh international and his shot was easily saved.

The second half was at times both credit and insult to manager Lennie Lawrence, for whilst his team revelled in possession and were uncompromising in defence, they were also rash and uninspired in attack.

Wigan boss Paul Jewell was fair in his reflection after the game "neither side deserved to lose, but neither did enough to win. Half the job coming to Cardiff is to silence the crowd, which we did."

The home side created few opportunities for fans to rise from their seats, but as soon as they dare let out a gasp of excitement it was suppressed by a groan of despair, for while it was a point well earned through endeavour, little can be said for the glitz, and an otherwise dull game got the goalless draw it deserved.

The Bluebirds now lie ninth in the table, just four points away from the play-off positions with a game in hand, and will be spending much of October on the road where they achieved so much success last season.

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