gair rhydd - Issue 746

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

INSIDE

National Demo We prepare for October 26 Political Debate p7

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

Quench

gair

ISSUE 746. OCTOBER 11

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CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

Interviews, Travel, Gay,

Fashion, Music, Books, DC Gates, Film, Blind Date, Going Out...

48 pages packed with reviews, news and features

By John Collingridge News Editor COME PLAY’S CULT popularity is being dogged by complaints of unfair selling practices, touting and forgery.

Unhappy students told of tickets for sale for as much as £40. One tout is reputed to have made £120 on the night by selling 30 tickets.

Union security also stopped a small number of people using forged tickets which they claimed had been sold to them. The union urge students to be vigilant for fake tickets and to report anyone trying to tout them.

Rhian Harrad, second year Mathematics, said she was prepared for the wait to go on. "I haven’t moved at all. Before you could go any time of the week to get tickets, but by now they’re sold out by the Monday, and you have to queue for about an hour, and even then there’s no guarantee you’re going to get them.

"It’s not on that people have been buying lots of tickets and selling them on, it’s really unfair. They sell them for about double or three times the price. We’re students and we can’t really afford it."

Mike Rabjohns, Finance Officer, said the issue of ticket touting was being dealt with by the union in liaison with Unisec security.

"Staff will be patrolling the area at the top of the stairs, and signs will be put up.

"Anyone caught touting will be escorted from the premises. Tickets now also specify: ‘Not for resale’.

"A cap of six tickets per person is now in place."

Continued page 2

gair rhydd on shortlist for Mirror media award

By Gary Andrews Media Ed

MONDAY 1.30pm: queue for tickets snakes down union stairs

Comeplay bubble threatens to burst as touts sell £40 tickets

gair rhydd was celebrating this week after being shortlisted for best student newspaper in the Daily Mirror student media awards.

The NUS/Daily Mirror National Student Media Awards shortlist was announced on Thursday, but nominees will have to wait until November 22 for the presentation in London.

Speaking on the nomination, gair rhydd editor Tristan Thomas said, "We’ve always been considered as one of the best student papers in the country and its pleasing to be recognised officially.

Alex Macpherson was similarly overjoyed about his nomination for best student arts critic, "This is tremendous news for me – it’s important to have confidence in your work, and this justifies everything I do. I’d

like to thank Gemma Curtis in particular for all her support over the past few years."

Continued in Media, p13

News

Page 2

October 18 2003

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Editorial Cobley Politics Competitions Letters Taf Od Media Listings TV Listings Sport

1 5 6 7 9 10 11 12 16 17 25

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS Andrew Caldicott EDITORIAL AND OPINION Rhys James SPORT Dave Williams, Riath Al-Samarrai GET THERE Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS & CROSSWORD James Anthony BIG WIN CIRCUS Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr, Angharrad George MEDIA Gary Andrews PROOF READERS Alys Southwood, Sayan Chakraborty

CONTRIBUTORS Andrew Cullen, Will Dean, Si Green, Mark Jenkins, Ed Jones, Beca Murphy, Rachel Pegum, AJ Silvers, Laura Wright, Mark Cobley, Ann Hysbys, Jeremy Townsend, Alice East, Rose Leech, Will Talmage, Alex Ali, John Tuscany, Alison White, Emily Knightley, Paul Dicken, Perse Eagleton, Electra Dove, Bethan Skelton, Tom Brown, Vicky Brock, Vicky Hill, Chris Finch, Toby Rigden, James Cooke, Tim Lewis, James Cole, Mark Haddon, Thom Airs, Helen Burnett, Gina James, Joanna Griffiths, Owen Griffiths

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

Plea to avoid “demo shame” of last year

BLAIR: Advocate of fees

Euro fees

By Stephen Fishbourne Reporter FIVE YEARS after Britain controversially decided to charge students tuition fees, Universities across Europe seem set to follow suit.

Holland, Austria, Italy, Spain and Portugal all now charge fees ranging from 600 Euros to 1450 Euros.

Germany is also looking at the prospect of charging fees to deal with its seriously under-funded institutions.

Only in Scandinavian countries is university education still free - a fact mainly due to left wing governments generating large tax revenues that allow funding to be generous.

Advocators of fees warn that they are the only alternative to Europe’s cash-strapped University system. Dieter Lenzen, of Berlin's Freie Universität, warns that European Universities will be unable to compete with rich, fee charging, American institutions.

Opponents to the fees are concerned that the introduction of fees will simply mean an excuse for governments to further cut education budgets, and University becoming a preserve of the rich.

MERGER GO AHEAD The Merger between the University of Wales College of Medicine and Cardiff University is to go ahead in August 2004; the governing Councils of both institutions have decided.

The University of Wales College of Medicine Council unanimously endorsed the merger on Friday 10th October, following a similar unanimous decision

by Cardiff University Council of Tuesday 7th October.

The last remaining details of that plan are cur rently being f inalised with the funding bodies.

For the latest news on merger, visit www.cardiff-uwcm.ac.uk

SHOW YOUR SUPPORT Union urges students to join march against top-up fees

By Peter Bramwell News Editor CARDIFF STUDENTS are being urged to show up on mass to the National Demonstration against top-up fees on Sunday October 26.

And with only 26 Cardiff students bothering to attend last year’s demo, the Union is pleading for its members to show their collective force as Britain’s biggest students union.

Emma Bebington, the Communications and Community officer said, "Please support this campaign - It’s important to let the government know that this policy is simply not wanted.

"This is the year they think that the white paper will go through parliament in November. It really is hanging in the balance and not just a foregone conclusion.

"80 % of the population are against it, according to NUS, so we must fight against it."

“Let’s not be overshadowed

by Swansea again” Emma Bebington

Comepay from front page A comeplay representative was quick to deny rumours that tickets are being sold to UWIC and Glamorgan Universities. "Tickets are only on sale at the Cardiff box office, and Talybont and Uni Hall Residences. However, anyone with an NUS card is free to buy tickets."

"The message we’re trying to promote is ‘let’s crack these touts’. If everyone works together to report people selling tickets at stupid prices, then we should be able to stop people ruining the night."

Nadia Samdeliri, 2nd Year English Literature and History said, "Students doing over other students is really harsh because everyone’s in the same boat. You just can’t afford to pay that ."

POOR TURN OUT: Cardiff students at last year’s demo In response to Cardiff ’s "demo shame" in the rally in December 2003, Emma said, "We definitely do not want a repetition of last year’s demo.

Let’s not be overshadowed by Swansea! This year we know the date, and coaches will be laid on to transport students from Cardiff to London and back."

Only 20 tickets have so far been sold, and with enough space for 200 people Cardiff students are yet to show signs of drastically improving on last year’s numbers.

The coaches leave at 7.30am and should be back in Cardiff for 10.30 pm. Students can buy tickets at the

union box office for £3.

In a bizarre contradiction to NUS Wales policy, the Students’ Union at Aberystwyth University have pulled out of the march in London and organised their own demonstration on Sunday at the National Assembly of Wales in Cardiff.

This seems strange in light of the general recognition that the Welsh Assembly will not bring in top-up fees unless forced to by Westminster.

Considering the Assembly building in the bay will be closed on Sunday anyway, the break-away from the national demo seems to be even more of a mistake.

Welsh grants to be cut

By Suzi Slater Reporter THE WELSH Assembly has announced a cut back to the budget for student grants.

This runs contrary to the Assembly Government’s own Widening Access agenda, which primarily aims to provide educational opportunity for students from poorer backgrounds.

NUS Wales Deputy President James Knight argues, "This budget line does not reflect of the intentions of the Widening Access Agenda, nor is it in line with previous progressive steps.

“The cut to the budget runs counter to work by NUS Wales and the

Assembly to increase student awareness and improve the number of students taking up the grant.

Yet Jane Davidson, Assembly Minister of Education argues, “The figures contained in the draft budget reflect the take up of the Assembly Learning Grant during its first year.”

NUS Wales argues that any extra money owing to insufficient take up should be put back into increasing size and income threshold of the grant.

Natasha Hirst, NUS Wales President added "We also repeat our call for the size of the Assembly Learning Grant to be raised from £1,500 to £2,000 and an immediate increase of the income threshold rom £15,000 to £20,000".The final budget will be announced in December.

News

October 18 2003

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Are you loving it McDonald’s?

By Alex Ali Reporter THE ANNUAL World Day of Action Against McDonald’s took place on October 16, with pickets and demonstrations taking place all over the world.

At 5pm, McDonald’s, Queen St, Cardiff saw its own piece of the action. The protest was peaceful, with leaflets and signs aiming to draw the attention of the public to the

Rubber duck ruck

By AJ Silvers Reporter TWO STUDENTS were nursing bruises rather than hangovers Thursday morning, due to alleged heavy-handed action by bouncers at Wednesday night’s Rubber Duck.

Jay Richmond and Chris Gaskell were caught up in the aftermath of an altercation between rowdy rugby players from UWCM and Cardiff Uni. Four Unisec bouncers were called to the incident but arrived too late, according to eyewitnesses. A bouncer barged into Jay Richmond, emptying Jay’s drink over another student.

"I tried to get his attention a couple of times then he spun round and started shouting and swearing at me," said Jay, who was then allegedly dragged from Solus by two bouncers, one of whom held him in a fierce headlock.

When Chris Gaskell asked why Jay was being removed, he too was verbally abused and struck about the face before being ejected and thrown to the floor.

A rugby player and another student were also removed for drunkenness.

Jay and Chris were on a Rowing Club social. Both sought medical attention for their injuries on Thursday.

The alleged assaults took place around midnight, however due to a delay in training, no Student Duty Executive Officer was on hand to intervene.

Peter Christian, a Director of Unisec, was on duty. He said the evening was ‘very busy, a sell out’ and apart from the removal of four students it was a ‘quiet night’ from a security point of view.

very real cost of McDonald’s.

Staff at the Queens Street branch were none too pleased when members of Cardiff Social Forum and ALT and SHIFT Society staged their own protest, which included a visit from their own Ronald McDonald.

Protestors were invited to return to the McDonald’s Open day by an employee who allegdly said,‘We have an Open Day tomorrow, we could slash some animals for you,’ Other protestors were pushed and told to ‘f**k off,’ by other employees. Hardly the behaviour expected from a family orientat-

ed restaurant chain.

McDonald’s spend over $2 billion every year worldwide on advertising and promotions, trying to cultivate an image of being a ‘fun,’ and family orientated place to eat.

Yet behind the kindly caricature face of Ronald McDonald lies a more sinister agenda, as McDonald’s reaps it $40 billion annual profits.

People and Planet will be holding another protest on 25th October at 12pm, with a viewing this Wednesday at 7:30pm in the Bute Building, Room 2.32.

Fight Club THE END: scene of Saturday night’s fight

By John Tuscany and Alison White Reporters A CATHAYS PUB was rocked on Saturday after fighting flared between rival football fans.

‘The End’, on Coburn Street, was witness to a scene more reminiscent of what was expected to occur on the streets of Istanbul rather than in a friendly Cardiff public house.

The Saturday afternoon triple billing of football involving Scotland, England and Wales had attracted a

large and generally good-natured crowd of supporters, with banter flowing between groups of English and Welsh fans.

However trouble surfaced as the f inal whistle sounded in England’s 0-0 draw against Turkey. Euphoric after gaining qualification, many English fans surged forward in celebration, emphasising this to their Welsh counterparts.

Unfortunately, the screen switched immediately to the Wales game showing them to be losing in the early stages of their match against Serbia.

The cocktail of the gloating, the disgruntled and no shortage of liquor, led to physical confronta-

Cathays pub marred by football violence tions between supporters, furniture being upended and missiles being thrown.

Witnesses were said to be shocked and embarrassed at the behaviour of those involved, deeming their actions both ‘irresponsible’ and a ‘disgrace to themselves’. Quick actions from door staff prevented scenes from escalating further and the police arrived on scene promptly.

Staff praised local drinkers as "quick to defend the pub they drink in".

It is thought that those involved were a mixture of students and locals, possibly adding to the hostility between groups.

Despite no major trouble being reported at either the Wales or the England games, it seems the ugly side of football is never too far away.

However the city centre remained relatively trouble free after the Wales game at the Millenium stadium.

PC Bob Keohane explained, "International matches cause South Wales police little problems and attract many families. This was just an isolated incident."

Clubber Vicky Wilson said, " I was worried about going out in town following a match night, but was surprised at the atmosphere in the streets".

Is this what we want around our union?

News

Page 4

October 18 2003

grnews@cf.ac.uk

News In Brief Students: crime targets CARDIFF STUDENTS are increasingly being targeted by thieves, warns PC Bob Keohane.

Over 50 mobile phone thefts have now been recorded this term alone.

The prime targets appear to be nightclubs in town, pubs, and leaving phones on windowsills.

Car vandal arrest A STUDENT has been arrested for vandalising a car in Cathays.

The Cardiff student was apprehended by police on Tuesday night in the act of vandalising a car on Salisbury Road.

Police were called to the scene after reports from neighbours, and have since charged the student with criminal damage to a motor vehicle.

Loans backlog

By Jeremy Townsend Reporter A NEW SCHEME piloted by the Student Loans Company has left thousands of students out of pocket.

The new £30 million Protocol scheme was intended to speed up loan applications by allowing students to apply on-line, and was tested in six local education authorities around the country.

However a delayed launch date meant huge backlogs, and subsequently, students had to apply by post, delaying the application process further.

Union SOUL campaign PC Bob Keohane urges students to be aware of the continual struggle to maintain the union’s late night license, “We want students to have a good time when they are in Cardiff, but make sure they are responsible when walking home.”

Cardiff Student’s Union spends thousands of pounds each year on calming revellers as they exit Solus, the Great Hall and the Taf. Because the union is situated near residential housing, complaints are more numerous than in similar premises in town.

NEWS is seeking your tales of dodgy landlords.

We’re hoping to name and shame some of the local landlords and letting agencies after a string of complaints from Cardiff students.

If you have a family of rats or a collapsing house, contact us at: grnews@cf.ac.uk

Bellamy’s club ambitions

By Andrew Cullen Reporter CRAIG BELLAMY has this week revealed his ambitions to open a nightclub in Cardiff.

After being involved in drunken incidents outside clubs in both Cardiff and Newcastle, Bellamy has decided that the only way he can behave how he likes is by owning his own club.

Bellamy seems keen to have the club as a base, for when he eventually retires from football.

Although a site for the club has not yet been determined Bellamy is currently seeking advice from Giovanni Malacrino who owns the Continental nightclub in Mill Lane.

Earlier this month, the Newcastle and Wales star was fined

£750 for a public order offence.

The £50,000 a week player would have recouped the fine in the hour that he spent at Cardiff Magistrates Court.

Bellamy, 23, from Rumney, Cardiff allegedly spouted racial abuse to an Asian onlooker and called a doorman a "pikey" and a "gypo" as he was denied entry to Jumpin’ Jaks.

In February 2002, Bellamy was also f ined £40, 000 by his club and received a police caution for common assault involving a 20 year old female student in Newcastle.

Computing made simple

By Jeremy Townsend Reporter

BELLAMY: He’s laughing

EXPERTS FROM Cardiff University are to lead a revolutionary project investigating ways in which we communicate with computers.

The team from the award-winning Manufacturing Engineering Centre will investigate how objects such as tables and walls can be used to give commands to computers.

It is similar to how we presently use a keyboard or mouse - in effect, turning everyday objects into interactive 3D touch screens.

In reality, this may mean placing orders in a shop just by touching your selection on the shop window, or ordering a meal in a restaurant by tapping the table.

Top jobs Student happy hampers

By Jeremy Townsend Reporter

The civil service has been voted the most desirable employer for graduates in this year’s Times Top 100 Graduate Employers guide.

Rising from fourth place last year, the civil service has snatched the top spot from consultancy company Accenture, due to a tougher job market in the private sector, compared with the promise of a decent pension in the public sector.

Martin Birchall, the survey’s director says that graduates have turned away from traditional favourites such as the investment banks and the accountancy firms, and instead opted for employers such as the NHS. The NHS moved up 18 places to ninth, and other public organisations, the army and police climbed the table.

Elsewhere in the list the top 10 sees only partial change, with regulars Pricewaterhouse Coopers, KPMG, and Procter & Gamble all holding similar positions to the last two years.

By Alice East & Rose Leech Reporters PARENTS ARE resorting to the Internet to ensure that their student offspring eat properly.

Supermarket giants Sainsbury’s and Tesco have noticed a growing proportion of their customers specifying two delivery addresses; one a home address and the other the address of a student Halls of Residence.

Cardiff student Wai Yin Yeung admits to having received such food packages from her parents.

“It not only means that I get free food, but I don’t have to bother going shopping either. The only downside is I don’t get as much choice about what I eat.”

Parents tend to buy their children healthier food options. One anxious parent of a second year student at Cardiff said: “It’s the only way I can make sure my son eats properly.”

Many students write a shopping list, which is then modified by their parents. While students often opt for ready meals and fast food, their parents usually buy them more fresh fruit and vegetables.

The service will be available from both companiess.

Quotes of the Week “I am continually drawn to minxy creatures. I quite like the uptown look, darling, yes I do.

Tailored, clean hair, nice nails and slutty short skirts” Hugh Grant: Enough said

“Geoffrey says that if I play my cards right I could be lavatory attendant here”

Roger Moore: Smug bastard on his restauranteur son.

HAMPERS: for the spoilt?

BNP in Wales

By Will Talmage Reporter THE POPULARITY of the British National Party In Wales has been growing at an alarming rate.

Teenagers from urban areas like Cardiff and Swansea, as well as from more rural areas such as Pembrokeshire, have been showing an unprecedented interest in the far right party.

Chairman of the Young BNP, Tony Wentworth, is delivering his extremist views to Welsh teenagers. He claims that the holocaust which killed six million Jews was an “irrelevance, and of no interest to people in this country. It’s an issue for Germany and other countries of Europe.”

16 year olds and younger are being

recruited by the extremist party and are exposed to this type of propaganda.

An ex-senior party officer told Wales on Sunday,“The youth wing of the BNP, which is modeled on the Hitler Youth, is now breaking out of its English confines and hopes to spread its race-hate message to young students across Wales.”

Mr. Wentworth will be visiting Cardiff soon to set up Welsh branches of the YBNP. These advances in the popularity of the BNP are, according to Mr. Wentworth, encouraging.

It is now surely down to individual’s parents and the Welsh educational establishments to instruct teenagers as to the negative and socially divisive nature of the BNP and curb this shocking increase in popularity.

Editorial & Opinion

October 18 2003

Page 5

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd All fun and games EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

years we are fighting it out with the other major players in student media for this prestigious accolade.

By Tristan Thomas . gair rhydd Editor

T

his week hasn’t been good for students.

Either we’re touting tickets for £25 or brawling in Cathays. Whilst clearly not indicative of everybody, it leaves a pretty sour taste in the mouth.

Until behaviour like that is curbed, our reputation will remain on a par with Cardiff’s less tolerated residents. But there’s little we can do and whilst we would never condone it, a little mischief certainly adds to student living.

This week the gair rhydd was nominated for Best Student Paper in the Daily Mirror NUS media awards.

For the first time in four

We’re on a shortlist of four – with the impressive York Vision and Leeds Student the strongest threats. Both have the flagship award in recent years. Varsity, from Cambridge, is the dark horse and we hope to have the edge over it.

Results will be announced mid-November. In the early nineties we monopolised the student media awards calendar – hopefully this will prove the beginning of a similar period of domination.

We’re still looking for new ideas to help boost our two productions. If you’d like to join our winning team or simply want to comment about our work, email us. greditor@cardiff.ac.uk

at Central Toffice

By Gina James.

A

DMITTEDLY NOT at the dizzying heights of "Watergate", this week’s broadsheets have closely focussed on what is affectionately known as "Betsygate" – the ‘scandal’ and subsequent official inquiry, investigating alleged improper payments to Betsy Duncan Smith in her employment as diary secretary to her husband.

Being anything but conservative in my political affiliations, I never thought I would see the day where I would be compelled to explore an issue involving the Tory party.

In fact, their crises are usually more cause for celebration than outcry, but in this instance I think it’s worth comment.

It is said that Betsy Duncan Smith was paid £15,000 between September 2001 (when IDS became Tory leader) and December 2002 for her work as his secretary. Although on a 25 hour week, this would only work out to £10 an hour – a relatively modest wage for someone of that position – this is the cause of the recent "Tories on turmoil" headlines.

The inquiry should prove to be interesting. Personally, I don’t understand the problem. If you think your wife is the best person for the job, wouldn’t you hire her?

And just because she is your wife, does she not deserve to get paid?

I am not ignorant enough not to realise that the problems here do run deeper. In the coming weeks, inquiry testimonies will state that Betsy did above and beyond the her duty of 25 hours per week.

Others will claim that she solely "provided work for others to do" – but thus far, complaints of a badly run office indicate a need to be better organised, not to overthrow the leadership!

Ultimately, "Betsygate" is an obvious ploy to contest the Tory leadership while giving the impression of a unified front. It seems that Duncan Smith’s party members are still not convinced of his abilities to successfully take them through the next elections, yet are not sure who would be better.

Being miles away from the Conservative mentality, I have no personal interest in whether Iain Duncan Smith stays or goes, but what this recent "crisis" does reveal is that witch-hunts are still alive and well in Toff Land.

Student Rant Helen Burnett

Cambridge catches up

C

ASUALLY FLIPPING through The Guardian this morning, I came across something that I believe should have happened decades ago.

Apparently, in order to ease processing applications, Cambridge University plans to test some of its applicants on the basis of their thinking and reasoning skills, hoping to attract students from disadvantaged backgrounds, instead of only from so-called "good schools".

Well, congratulations Cambridge, what took you so long? Welcome to the 21st century.

Having just arrived in Cardiff from a certain North American country where such elitism is nowhere to be found, I am shocked to find out that some universities are so reluctant to let go of their class system; that they are only now beginning to realise that perhaps less privileged students do indeed have something to offer them intellectually.

It is about time that universities start to let go of the nineteenth-century elitist mentality, and recognise that money does not equal brains. To those schools who are judging students on the basis of intellect and who they are, rather than their bank accounts or the schools they attended, Bravo, this is how modern society operates.

I do acknowledge that Cambridge is taking a tiny step in the right direction, and it is definitely about time. However, testing on its own is not the answer to this problem, there needs to be a serious change in mentality. This move alone is definitely not the drastic overhaul that the British university system needs in order to provide everyone equal access to first rate university education and not single out those with money, power and connections.

True equality of education in this country will only come about when there is not the "Ivy League" system of education in universities and secondary schools; it is time for British education to catch up with that of many other parts of the world.

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 300 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Opinion

Page 6

October 18 2003

grcobley@cf.ac.uk

MARK

A VOICE YOU CAN TRUST IN A WORLD OF SPIN

Live now, pay through the nose later...

‘S

TUDENTS IN MORE DEBT’.

Hardly an original way to begin a student newspaper article, but sadly it’s the truth.

As if tuition fees and loans weren’t enough, students these days have to cope with greedy credit companies shoving high-interest cards down their throats.

Only last week gair rhydd reported the scandal of companies giving away worthless freebies to entice poor students into their clutches.

When freshers turn up at University they’re looking after their finances for the very first time.

There should be a law against these loan sharks preying on them.

It’s not just students, either.

This week the press has been alive with reports that Britain’s debt crisis is spiralling way out of control.

Britons now owe a staggering £5bn in total - and the number of bad debts has leapt by 70 per cent.

There are now 1,500 different credit cards available, and just in one month this year a record £7.42billion was borrowed on plastic.

This orgy of borrowing is storing up massive problems for the economy, with many predicting an 80s-style crash.

According to the Citizens' Advice Bureau, the number of people in the red has soared by 50 per cent in five years.

And like so many of the problems that blight our great country, you can blame this one on Thatcher.

It was the massive deregulation of credit in the early 80s that kicked off this particular gravy train.

IN DEBT? THEN DON’T FORGET:

the NUS demo against top-up fees is on: OCTOBER

26

SUNDAY

Call into the third floor office in the union if you need more info.

Loan companies have been allowed to bully us with shamelessly aggressive advertising, charge obscene rates of interest and get away with it scott-free.

Loan adverts never seem to be off my TV these days.

Of course, Blair’s tuition fees and student loans are making things worse.

They force young people into debt and train us to live our whole lives in the red.

The fat cats and the con-artists who run our economy want us to spend, spend, spend; even if we can’t afford it.

So the media unceasingly spews images of the rich, famous and beautiful from all its many orifices.

The self-obsessed stars in magazines and programmes like Heat or the ghastly MTV Cribs are constantly drumming the message in: “Look at our wonderful lives! Envy us, peasants!”

A recent Cambridge Uni survey found that even the rich are getting greedier.

Sixty per cent of people earning salaries of more than £50,000 reckon they don’t have enough cash to buy

He y, it can talk!

Collected thoughts from trained chimp and leader of the free world George W. Bush

Howdy, y’all!

This week I’m gonna be talkin’ bout SEX! Now, I know what you’re athinkin’. What’s a God-fearin’, bible-lovin’ preacher-President like me doin’ talkin’ bout Sex? It’s dirty and it’s wrong!

Well that’s why I’m gonna be spendin’ 117 milyun dollars on NOT teachin’ kids ‘bout Sex! It’s called “Abstinence Only” sex eddycation.

It’s all ‘bout tellin’ young’uns not to screw til they’s hitched!

Now I ain’t no killjoy, but I’m a-

thinkin’ we don’ need to be wastin’ time tellin’ kids ‘bout STDs, or contraception, or abortions, or AIDS, or none of that crap.

No, I’m gonna be teachin’ em that sex before marriage is dirty and evil and against God’s law.

But you cin guess already what those pussyfootin’ liberals is sayin’, can’t ya?

They’s a-moanin’ that “abstinence only” might work for the tiny number of religious kids who follow it, but the huge numbers who ignore it jus’ end up not knowin’ a damn thing ‘bout safe sex or disease prevention.

Them moanin’ liberals don’ know a thing.

How’m I gonna get the votes o’ the Christian Fundamentalists if I listen to them?

Already, one third o’ US schools and colleges is teachin’ “abstinence only”.

With my extra $117m, it’s gonna be way more soon!

And you know the bes’ thing ‘bout “Abstinence Only”?

If there’s no sex outsida marriage, them dirty gays and lesbos can’t never do it!

See you next week!

Elsewhere...

SOMETIMES IT SEEMS this page is only ever about moaning.

So here’s some good news for a change.

According to the Rowntree Foundation - the respected children’s charity - the Labour Government is charging fullsteam towards its target of reducing child poverty.

Labour pledged it would lift a quarter of poor kids out of the slums by next spring, and it looks like they’re on course to do it.

But the charity also had a warning: If Labour wants to meet its further target of wiping child poverty out completely within a generation, they’d better get more serious about wealth redistribution.

Let’s hope they’ve got the guts.

DID ANYONE SEE the hideous, hideous thing on Wife Swap last week?

Moaning Rochdale fishwife Lizzy Bardsley earned the I want to see you all loathing of the nation with her there. pathetic jealousy, foul sulks and histrionic screaming.

And it hasn’t taken con-artists everything they need. long to claim her family’s £37,000 Just what the hell do benefits cheque is proof they need? Personal that taxpayers are aeroplanes? being ripped off This by ‘scroungers’.

An occasional feature devoted to dangerous What the f*ckups, hypocrisy and outright lies rich-fetish rubbish. printed by Britain’s Worst Newspaper. is conning Lizzy record and her The Spin’s Nearo-Nazi columnist Dick numbers Littlebrain is another one like Dubya (see box layabout of people husband left) who doesn’t like sex education. into get the “You wouldn’t like it if a stranger started crushing benefits talking about sex to your kids,” he rants.

“So why do we tolerate it in the classroom?” for their debt and Perhaps, Dick, it’s because they’re bankruptcy. eight kids. trained professionals with teaching But many And it’s experience, not random perverts people not the kids’ off the street. including many fault their parents What an idiot. students - are forced are awful. into debt by simple You can’t punish them by everyday expenses and bills. cutting their only lifeline.

Millions of people now need credit YOU’VE REALLY GOT to just to survive. pity poor old Sir Robert That’s the real scandal.

Winston.

It’s high time the government cracked The hugely rich corporate boss down on the loan sharks.

Unsolicited mail should be banned, - named as Britain’s most and loan adverts should come with powerful director by The Sunday Times - has been heard moaning cigarette-packet style warnings: the government’s “This product can seriously damage about corporation reforms. your wealth.”

Thanks to Labour “red tape”, Maybe there should even be a simple, government-regulated system of low- he reckons, life as a fat-cat interest loans to help people through the director has become “time consuming and dull.” sticky patches.

I’m sure all you penniless But in the meantime, there’s only one students can sympathise with the way to make sure you’re not fleeced.

Pay off those cards - if you can - and poor dear.

His life must be hard. then cut the damn things up.

SPOT

AGREE? DISAGREE? EMAIL ME AT GRCOBLEY@CF.AC.UK AND IF IT’S ANY GOOD, I MIGHT EVEN PRINT IT

Political Debate

October 18 2003

Page 7

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Student debt - special report

Comment

An in-depth investigation into this fast-growing crisis

By Mark Jenkins and Emily Knightley

O

f all the stereotypes that come to someone’s mind when they imagine a student, debt is probably in there amongst the traffic cones, cold beans and alcohol poisoning.

Borrowing £2,500 from the Student Loans Company in each year of a degree, will amount to a substantial amount of money by graduation, excluding interest and ad-hoc parental help.

Only 12% of us will leave university debt free, which leaves the majority lumbered with an average debt of £10,997 when we graduate.

According to Barclays ninth annual graduate survey earlier this year graduate debt has continues to rise, although the rate at which it does so has slowed in recent years. The biggest increase came in 2001 with average debts almost doubling; from £6, 507 in 2000 to £10,000 the following year. This increase was a direct result of both the introduction of tuition fees and the withdrawal of student grants. If the government’s proposals for top up fees were to go head this figure could double again, if not triple.

Being in debt continues to be a way of life for university students but despite this a quarter of students remain unconcerned about the huge debts that they are building up whilst studying. Only 9% are worried about their debts. These figures themselves are worrying as student debt and debt of any kind is looked upon with an almost laissez-faire attitude leading to students finding themselves owing more and more when they leave university.

The Student Loans Company continues to be the largest source of borrowing for students, just 4% decide against this option. In recent years money owed by students to credit card companies has increased from £760 to £903. NUS believes that this is as a result of those companies who prey on freshers with incentives of free gifts during the first weeks of the new year.

They are therefore campaigning to stop such companies being allowed to come onto university campuses.

Last week, the National Consumer Council warned students of the dangers of being enticed into taking on credit cards through the offer of a free camera, popcorn maker, or similar. Ed Mayo, the organisation’s chief executive, pointed out that it’s easy to whip out a credit card to pay for something, and then forget that you’ve even done it. Debts can easily mount up, and things can very easily go very wrong.

In my first year, my telephone provider accidentally took the amount that I owed them twice. This meant that I had to skip a payment onto my credit card. The card company apparently wasn’t too pleased; they applied late payment charges, and ‘politely enquired’ whether I’d like them to pass my account onto a debt collection agency. This all happened during my exam period. I thought it seemed a tad harsh for just one missed payment, but it gives you an idea of what can happen if you aren’t careful.

The government now looks as if it might be back-tracking on its plans to introduce top-up fees. Consider, though, that if it wasn’t for Mr Blair and his cabinet, the situation might not be as bad as it is now. With the old grant system, it was much easier for students to control how much debt they amassed. In their 1997 election

Andrew Caldicott Political Editor

D

ebt is one of the biggest problems affecting our society today.

Every other advert on the television or commercial radio station is for loans, debt consolidation or debt management. It is a scam far bigger than the endowment scandal of the 1990’s or the pensions crisis that is looming.

Credit cards - the source of many a painful, non-hangover headache campaign, Labour promised that they wouldn’t introduce tuition fees.

Apparently, that was a big fat lie: not only did fees appear, but they’ve been raised every year for the last three years. I voted for Labour myself in the last elections, but the current political landscape now seems even bleaker. What if we don’t vote for them next time around? We could tick the box for the Conservatives, but something worries me about the fact that their leader’s nickname, ‘IDS’, makes him sound like an STD. The Liberal Democrats are the other major party, but they never really seem to get anywhere; it’s as if they ran the race, but no-one can remember where, or even if, they finished.

With the tough economic climate in the UK at present the graduate job market is declining as the number of jobs available to graduates decreases.

According to one online survey one in four people graduating from university rate help paying off their student loans as an important factor when accepting a job. A survey carried out last year, however, suggested that only

4% of graduates were in fact unemployed six months after leaving university, although 27% of these were only in short term employment. The average salary for a graduate though has decreased too by 7% to just £14,000. This too, has serious implications on student debt as it will take longer for students to pay off what they owe, hence ever increasing their burden.

So, for the time being it looks like it might just be up to us to do the best we can (hopefully with the help of that odd tenner). If debt is scary to people who earn £40K a year; it’s bound to be worrying for us, but try not to let it get in the way of enjoying yourself.

You’re probably going to owe money to somebody when you graduate, no matter how careful you are. A little more here and there probably won’t make that much difference. Just remember the old maxim: everything in moderation. Except maybe for vodka.

After all, what good’s that free popcorn maker if you can’t afford the popping corn for it?

By Laura Wright

advantaged are more likely to be able to afford a better education. The UK is similarly debating 'topped-up' rates of tuition fees so that Universities like Oxford and Cambridge will have higher fees; discriminating against those with insufficient funds.

Student debt is a globally acknowledged and generally opposed problem.

The UK seems to be midway between other European countries, where equality of education is seen as being paramount, and America, where extortionate tuition fees and living expenses are only covered by insufficient loans that shackle the graduate who starts his or her career with debt.

By an examination of other countries, we can use the UK as a point of comparison to target our own debt issues. We may now aspire to create a system where tuition fees and debt are not the bane of a student's life and reject a system which may worsen to that of America's.

Remember to support the national demo against top-up fees on Sunday 26th October. Check out the Students' Union homepage for details on www.cardiff.oncampus.co.uk.

The best of the rest Debt around the world

What the smaller parties have to say

By Paul Dicken

W

e all know what the “Big Three” are saying these days, and it always amounts to more or less the same thing. So, we’ve done a bit of digging to see what the other parties are saying (because you are allowed to vote for them).

For the Socialist Worker Party the answer is straight forward; grants should be on their way back, with an end to ‘elitist education policies’ the only way forward. The Socialist Students see action as the only way to make student debt a thing of the past. Mass non-payment of fees and protest is the way to go, for public funded, free and easy learning.

The British National Party also stand for free education and would introduce the grant system. Like the Tories, they would pay for this by coming down hard on illegal immigration. Dr. Phill Edwards of the BNP said, "The cost of immigration; the burden of benefits, the astronomical legal fees and cost of treat-

ing bogus asylum seekers on the NHS is enormous and would be better spent on educating our own people.". He said that there was only a finite amount of money to go round; the BNP would rather it be spent on the indigenous British population.

The Green Party sees more sinister motives behind the deepening hole of student debt. Matt Wootton, an ex Cardiff student who was the Green Party’s delegate to the Earth Summit in Johannesburg, suggests that Labour’s policies are responding to the requests of American firms, who would quite like it if we would: ‘open up our "markets" in primary, secondary and university education,’ with the ambition to enact a corporate take over of our public services.

He sees top-up fees as the ‘thin-end of the privatisation wedge’. For the Green Party, investing in our own public services for the public good is the way for real progress. Spiralling student debt and the possibility of top-up fees, is not only shit for students, but another contribution to corporate globalisation.

W

ith ever expanding overdrafts and fear of the next credit card bill, we all know the tribulations of student debt, but how does our situation compare to graduates in other countries?

A lot of European countries believe in a national equality of education and their students are shocked at the British system, where education seems to be just another commodity to be bought. In France, for instance, not only are grants available but tuition fees are also greatly reduced. Many countries have had to start introducing loans over the last few years, but somehow the situation does not seem to have reached the same level of intensity as it has here.

On the other side of the scale is America, where tuition fees are costly and the loan system is particularly harsh; repayments starting only 6-12 months after graduation, despite whether the individual has a job or not. Tuition fees also vary between institutions, so there is almost an exclusivity where the financially

Brainwashing Loan companies have taken advantage of clever advertising over the last few years; programmes such as Changing Rooms and the plethora of other home improvements programmes, the various "make-over" styling shows and the wasteland known as "daytime tv" have slowly but surely convinced the general population that debt is socially acceptable, and that we must have that home improvement now. After all, we’ve got 5 years to pay it back (at an extortionate rate of interest). Twenty years ago “credit” was a bad word; it was shameful to be in debt. It was a bygone era when you had to save hard for what you wanted, and where “want” and “need” were two distinct entities.

Idiotic To compound this concept, the government in their infinite wisdom believes that it is perfectly reasonable for young people to be in considerable debt before they embark on their working lives. This is idiotic.

Parasites It is irresponsible for the banks and loan companies to be giving students loans; they know full well that a degree is no sure ticket to a good job.

The point is they don’t want customers to pay the debt back quickly; they are parasites and need you to be in debt in order for them to feed on the interest. That’s why students are particularly good prey; they rarely, if ever, pay off any more than the minimum monthly payment, so the credit card company gets 5% of the balance for doing precisely nothing.

It is time for the NUS to stop allowing these parasites into our midst.

Barclaycard have been allowed to set up stalls within the Union which suggests that they are in some way endorsed by the NUS. The NUS responds by saying that they pay for things like the sports and societies, but it would be better for people to pay subs to their clubs than to be paying through the nose for years to come.

Agree? Disagree?

Tell us what you think!

Email SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk Txt 07781 488311

Letters

Page 8

October 18 2003

grletters@cf.ac.uk Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy etting of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. If your letter is here, come on up to the office to collect them. We can’t be arsed to chase you.

Hail Britannia Über Alles Dear gair rhydd, I am writing regarding the article “Imperial pride lost" (gair rhydd 745: Editorial & Opinion). First of all, "liberal-communist" is a contradiction in terms!

It is very sad that you don’t study English history or literature (or anything, it seems). In any case, English history texts are very prolific and easily read. I advise you study it.

Do you have any proof of the accusation you level against the EU? May I remind you that Britain is plagued by the sorry state of the NHS; the school situation (both private and public); railways; and the case of Tony Blair, his spin-doctors and the missing weapons of mass destruction.

I’d also like to add to the list the Romans and the Saxons. I agree that Anglo-Saxon heritage is truly great.

As subjective perception is a matter of the self, I cannot comment with what the author wrote regarding himself, but at least we agree the UK is in bad waters.

The Union Jack is drenched in blood from colonialism. The sheer dimension of the British Empire at its height implied massacre and bloodbath as a measure of realpolitik, lest the British Empire disappear before you could say “blimey". In WWII, the British invented ‘Ultra’, and were saved by the incredible mistakes of Hitler, and industrial capacity of USA. India and Pakistan are nuclear powers, alas. South Africa, Hong Kong, Australia, Canada and USA are ex-colonies.

It is sinister to count how many ex-English colonies are third world nations – not something to be proud as a civilised nation.

British heritage is something to be proud of. Using English heritage to scorn other countries is a game that should be relegated to children. Please don’t use common catchphrases; they are unworthy of people of study.

Best regards, Marco Cristofolini To call the response "fascist" is somewhat sensationalist, and, in fact, inaccurate. Journalists should be more careful when levelling accusations against others of the same stable, unless it is within the dialogic forum of a debates page set up by that publication.

Better red than dead Dear gair rhydd, I am writing in response to the article by Andrew Caldicott (“Imperial pride lost”) featured in your last issue. I’m not going to call him a racist, sexist or Nazi as he seems to think anyone who disagrees with him will (although I am very tempted to call him an idiot, but that wouldn’t be nice), but I do have to question the validity of his historical claims.

He says he never studied the British Empire at school, and from his interpretation of British history it is evident that he never studied it anywhere afterwards either! Don’t get me wrong, as a "liberal-communist" (an unusual combination if ever there was one!) I am very proud of my country and its accomplishments.

But coupled with this is an equal sadness of our disgraces, which are many.

True, were it not for Britain, Europe would be a very different

and uglier place today. However to say we played the major role in bringing down Hitler is simply delusional. Any GCSE history student would be able to tell you that the Russians (there are those commies again, I wonder if they were liberals too?) might of played a bit of a role too. After all they did lose 27 million lives (that’s half our population!) and reach Berlin first, but apparently that doesn’t deserve a mention in your history.

As far as our treatment of the Empire goes, well I suppose we did bring civilisation to many countries, but it was our conception and cost them their traditions and culture, and let’s not forget that great British invention of slavery. In fact our imperial history earned us Hitler’s admiration, and he was hesitant to invade after Dunkirk in the hopes of an alliance. He was also a big fan of another British invention, the concentration camp, which we had been using in South Africa when he was still a wee nipper!

And is it any wonder that countries have struggled after

independence. In Africa we drew national boundaries according to our economic interests, which resulted in rival tribes being stuck in the same territories and expected to hold hands and sing.

Can you imagine how we’d feel if someone came along and divided Europe in a similar way, mixing and matching ethnic groups into random states (oh, wait - we did this after WWI)?

So lets not assume that anyone who wishes to put Welsh, Scottish or even Cornish on a form instead of British is anti-British. Maybe they just don’t relate to that particular concept of identity.

After all, as any first year history student could tell you, "Britishness" as we know it now didn’t really exist before the Napoleonic wars, and was in fact created during the course of the 19th century, by liberals, amongst other factors.

Once again I wish to express that I am in no way anti-British.

But I do not believe it patriotic to glorify our history and try to ignore the negatives. I believe Britain to be a great country, but it can only stay this way if we are prepared to accept our history as it really is, even when it makes us uncomfortable. Only this way will we be able to ensure we never repeat these mistakes again, and surely that is the only true form of patriotism.

James Stuart, (proud 2nd year liberal-communist!)

Unique snowflakes Dear gair rhydd, Students, eh? They're either dumb jocks or pretentious cocks, right? Well no actually, despite the case made in an editorial article in last fortnight's Quench.

There is so much wrong with this arrogant, reactionary piece that it's difficult to know where to start. How about the first line: 'There are far too many walking clichés around university these days.' Who the fuck does this writer think he is? Even overlooking the tone of snobbish disgust that pervades the piece, the content is most offensive.

No one is a walking cliche, but stereotypes do exist; since this hack sees everyone in those terms it's not surprising that he's not been welcomed into a group.

Students roam in tribes and there is nothing wrong with that.

Similarly, it is natural for people to experiment with their identity, image, and allegiances.

At university people are inspired and influenced by their peers; a mutual exchange of ideas that is far from boring. We're not in 'prefabricated identity boxes' until someone self-righteous enough defines us as such. The offending writer cannot see past his own perception of people as stereotypes to reach the complex truth of the matter. Whose idea

The gair rhydd letters page Welcome to the letters page of one of the top four student newspapers in the UK. You write ‘em, we print ‘em...

Please email rather than post your letters in, remember kids - paper is for your lecture notes.

Three topics have dominated this week. Alex’s editorial in Quench, Mr Caldicott’s “Imperial pride” article, and the fact that Come Play sells out. On MONDAY. Before anyone accuses me of printing only the negative responses to “Imperial pride lost” – don’t. We didn’t receive any in support.

James Anthony was it to kick off the second issue of the year with a piece attacking students? And since the article was not signed it purports to represent the views of gair rhydd.

This I doubt. The paper usually gets the balance just right: a defiant and cocky defence of students mixed with selfdeprecating piss-takes of what we get up to.

If Quench wants to provide a platform for opinions that are based on contempt for students then fine. But the positioning, vehemence, and seeming editorial authority of this piece was deeply inappropriate. And if its author does happen to be the editor of Quench, then perhaps a new candidate for the position should step forward.

Yours, Chewie

‘Seeking approval’: a response Dear gair rhydd, I am writing in response to AJ Silvers “Student Ran”' in GR 745.

Like most journalists, he refers to the Israeli destruction of an alleged terrorist training camp in Syria, without mentioning that no one was injured or killed. This is in stark contrast to the Palestinian 'suicide' bombings of preceding

Letters is supported by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

weeks, which have killed dozens of people, mostly children. Two weeks ago, a Palestinian terrorist broke into a Jewish Israeli home and shot a seven-month-old baby girl in the face with an Uzi. Let me repeat that, a seven month old baby, an Uzi. If this was happening to your family, or in your country, you'd try to do something about it. If people were walking into your local Pizza Hut and murdering families at random, or getting onto school buses in order to kill groups of children, you would expect the government to do something about it. And on the scale of possible reprisals, destroying an empty building seems fairly restrained to me.

There is a lot of right and wrong on both sides here - a fact that not many people acknowledge - and the situation is not helped by kneejerk condemnation of every action that Israel takes.

Name withheld by request

Text’n’Drugs’n’Rock’n’Roll Text us:

07791 165 837

They threw them all out... Al my fuckin clothes! Shall have to wear accountancy fc football top each day. Diolch yn fawr iawn housemates.

Please will someone slap Mark Cobley for being an annoying socialist idiot.

The wardens at talybont have no idea. whats the dealio?

Stop stalking me you vaginal freak from virgin megastore! U know who u r! Raaar.

Youd be a fool to mess with m-j chamon motherfucker.

Join chris and andy for the breakfast show on hywell fm for some proper deep underground shit. please.

What if one day the ancestors of all the blades of grass you have ever stepped on decided to seek revenge?

Then you’d be screwed.

Timmy! get the rusty iron, that dalmatian puppy from next door and the well spoken russian 82 and a half year old slut from the dry cleaners. we need some bone marrow to make this work!

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Free Stuff

October 18 2003

Page 9

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

“Everyone’s a winner baby, that’s the truth.”

Errol Brown

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN Welcome to gair rhydd’s new competitions section. To celebrate the lauch of grab! we’ve got a whole host of great prizes for you to get your hands on. Whether you’re partial to a bit of homegrown stadium rock, you love your comedy on the big or small screen, or you’re just a bit peckish, we’ve got something for you. Plus, there’s still the weekly chance for those of you a bit strapped for cash to live free for a week. To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeon-hole in the gair rhydd offices, or email them to grcomps@hotmail.com. Answers at the foot of the page.

WIN STEREOPHONICS TICKETS! Unless you’ve been suspended in a glass box above the Thames for the past six weeks you’ve probably heard by now that the Stereophonics are coming back to Cardiff. This time they’re swapping the comparatively intimate environs of the Student Union for the full-on rock atmosphere of the Millennium Stadium.

And if the prospect of this stadium rock pitch invasion isn’t enough to whet your appetites, then the news that Feeder (another Welsh

three-piece who have lost their drummer, albeit in more tragic cir-

COEN YOU TAKE A JOKE? it with their masterful comic touch. It’s been described by Empire as ‘laugh-out-loud hilari-

If there’s any justice in this little world we call... Earth, then Intolerable Cruelty will finally give the Coen brothers the box office smash they’ve deserved for so long. Although the prospect of a romantic comedy starring George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones may not sound like everyone’s cup of tea, you can rely on the Brothers Coen to revive any dying genre and inject

ing this Tuesday at 8:30. To claim your tickets (only one pair per reader), just come to the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the Union with the answer to the following question:

complex question simple answer

ous’, but why not judge for yourselves. We’ve teamed up with UGC to offer 20 pairs of tickets to an exclusive preview screen-

WINNER OF THE WEEK CHRIS EUBANK This week we salute the lisping legend for backing his ‘anti war truck’ into a van outside Number 10, then uttering the classic line ‘Oh officer, you simply must arrest me!’

WIN! HAPPINESS!

What anagram of ‘Coen’ links the number of times George Clooney donned the Batsuit (on film that is - what he does behind clothes doors is none of our business), with the first word in the title of the third part of Robert Rodriguez’s El Mariachi trilogy?

We’re still trying to get our heads around the recent departure of drummer Stuart Cable. The band have indicated that it was because he was taking his ‘other commitments’ a little too far. But we want to know just what these commitments are. There’s a clue to what the cheeky permster has been up to somewhere else in this issue.

All you have to do to be in with a chance of winning the tickets is tell us what page in this week’s paper the clue is on and what his commitments apparently are. Enter in the usual way.

HUNGRY? WHY PAY?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into your living room, Walkers release another advertising campaign featuring a dancing Gary Lineker.

This time it’s to promote their new Great British Takeaways range, with the flavours Chicken Tikka Massala, Sweet & Sour and Chinese Spare Rib. To celebrate, we’re offering you the chance to grab some grub for you and your mates.

By answering the following extremely difficult question, you can win yourself 10 free Indian or Chinese buy one get one free

meal vouchers (valid at 3,000 restaurants and takeaways across the UK), plus your very own box of Walkers snacks (Quavers, Monster Munch, French Fries, Wotsits or Squares).

We’ve also got four vouchers each for 50 (yes, 50) runners-up.

What was Gary Lineker before he was the star of Walkers’ cracking commercials?

A: Fireman B: Restaurant owner C: Footballer

THE BEST OF THE GUESTS

By being nice to people.

The chances are, they’ll be nice back. If they’re not, tell them to fuck off.

Livefree4aweek.net

This week’s winner is Rachael Henson, who studies at UWIC.

cumstances), have just been added to the bill surely must be. Still not excited? Then get your ungrateful arse back to your glass box.

The gig takes place on 20th December and there are still tickets available, but one lucky reader can win themselves and a friend a nice early Christmas present, as we have a pair of tickets to give away.

In exchange for this great prize we at gair rhydd need your help.

Some were competent, some hilarious, others just plain embarrassing.

Whether or not you agreed with the controversial sacking of Angus Deayton, I’m sure you’ll agree that the long run of guest presenters were entertaining, even if just to laugh at their total disregard for the autocue (Boris Johnson) or prey that they’d survive the bitchy

twins Hislop and Merton with any dignity intact (Charlotte Church).

Killa Communications have put all the best moments from the two series of guest presenters on a double DVD set, plus loads of extras, including a double-length Boris Johnson recording and the verdicts of Hislop and Merton on the performance of the guests. It’s enough to make Angus Deayton say “Wipe that white powder off the floor and put your clothes back on, I’m watching a DVD tonight!”

The double DVD and VHS hit the shops on 27th October, but you can grab your own copy of the DVD

first and for free.

All you have to do is, in the style of the show, find the odd one out (and why) from these suspicious looking characters below:

Did you really think we were going to give you the answers with such top prizes involved? Now turn the paper / your head back up the right way and answer the questions like everyone else.

Letters

Page 10

October 18 2003

grletters@cf.ac.uk Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy etting of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. If your letter is here, come on up to the office to collect them. We can’t be arsed to chase you.

Hail Britannia Über Alles Dear gair rhydd, I am writing regarding the article “Imperial pride lost" (gair rhydd 745: Editorial & Opinion). First of all, "liberal-communist" is a contradiction in terms!

It is very sad that you don’t study English history or literature (or anything, it seems). In any case, English history texts are very prolific and easily read. I advise you study it.

Do you have any proof of the accusation you level against the EU? May I remind you that Britain is plagued by the sorry state of the NHS; the school situation (both private and public); railways; and the case of Tony Blair, his spin-doctors and the missing weapons of mass destruction.

I’d also like to add to the list the Romans and the Saxons. I agree that Anglo-Saxon heritage is truly great.

As subjective perception is a matter of the self, I cannot comment with what the author wrote regarding himself, but at least we agree the UK is in bad waters.

The Union Jack is drenched in blood from colonialism. The sheer dimension of the British Empire at its height implied massacre and bloodbath as a measure of realpolitik, lest the British Empire disappear before you could say “blimey". In WWII, the British invented ‘Ultra’, and were saved by the incredible mistakes of Hitler, and industrial capacity of USA. India and Pakistan are nuclear powers, alas. South Africa, Hong Kong, Australia, Canada and USA are ex-colonies.

It is sinister to count how many ex-English colonies are third world nations – not something to be proud as a civilised nation.

British heritage is something to be proud of. Using English heritage to scorn other countries is a game that should be relegated to children. Please don’t use common catchphrases; they are unworthy of people of study.

Best regards, Marco Cristofolini To call the response "fascist" is somewhat sensationalist, and, in fact, inaccurate. Journalists should be more careful when levelling accusations against others of the same stable, unless it is within the dialogic forum of a debates page set up by that publication.

Better red than dead Dear gair rhydd, I am writing in response to the article by Andrew Caldicott (“Imperial pride lost”) featured in your last issue. I’m not going to call him a racist, sexist or Nazi as he seems to think anyone who disagrees with him will (although I am very tempted to call him an idiot, but that wouldn’t be nice), but I do have to question the validity of his historical claims.

He says he never studied the British Empire at school, and from his interpretation of British history it is evident that he never studied it anywhere afterwards either! Don’t get me wrong, as a "liberal-communist" (an unusual combination if ever there was one!) I am very proud of my country and its accomplishments.

But coupled with this is an equal sadness of our disgraces, which are many.

True, were it not for Britain, Europe would be a very different

and uglier place today. However to say we played the major role in bringing down Hitler is simply delusional. Any GCSE history student would be able to tell you that the Russians (there are those commies again, I wonder if they were liberals too?) might of played a bit of a role too. After all they did lose 27 million lives (that’s half our population!) and reach Berlin first, but apparently that doesn’t deserve a mention in your history.

As far as our treatment of the Empire goes, well I suppose we did bring civilisation to many countries, but it was our conception and cost them their traditions and culture, and let’s not forget that great British invention of slavery. In fact our imperial history earned us Hitler’s admiration, and he was hesitant to invade after Dunkirk in the hopes of an alliance. He was also a big fan of another British invention, the concentration camp, which we had been using in South Africa when he was still a wee nipper!

And is it any wonder that countries have struggled after

independence. In Africa we drew national boundaries according to our economic interests, which resulted in rival tribes being stuck in the same territories and expected to hold hands and sing.

Can you imagine how we’d feel if someone came along and divided Europe in a similar way, mixing and matching ethnic groups into random states (oh, wait - we did this after WWI)?

So lets not assume that anyone who wishes to put Welsh, Scottish or even Cornish on a form instead of British is anti-British. Maybe they just don’t relate to that particular concept of identity.

After all, as any first year history student could tell you, "Britishness" as we know it now didn’t really exist before the Napoleonic wars, and was in fact created during the course of the 19th century, by liberals, amongst other factors.

Once again I wish to express that I am in no way anti-British.

But I do not believe it patriotic to glorify our history and try to ignore the negatives. I believe Britain to be a great country, but it can only stay this way if we are prepared to accept our history as it really is, even when it makes us uncomfortable. Only this way will we be able to ensure we never repeat these mistakes again, and surely that is the only true form of patriotism.

James Stuart, (proud 2nd year liberal-communist!)

Unique snowflakes Dear gair rhydd, Students, eh? They're either dumb jocks or pretentious cocks, right? Well no actually, despite the case made in an editorial article in last fortnight's Quench.

There is so much wrong with this arrogant, reactionary piece that it's difficult to know where to start. How about the first line: 'There are far too many walking clichés around university these days.' Who the fuck does this writer think he is? Even overlooking the tone of snobbish disgust that pervades the piece, the content is most offensive.

No one is a walking cliche, but stereotypes do exist; since this hack sees everyone in those terms it's not surprising that he's not been welcomed into a group.

Students roam in tribes and there is nothing wrong with that.

Similarly, it is natural for people to experiment with their identity, image, and allegiances.

At university people are inspired and influenced by their peers; a mutual exchange of ideas that is far from boring. We're not in 'prefabricated identity boxes' until someone self-righteous enough defines us as such. The offending writer cannot see past his own perception of people as stereotypes to reach the complex truth of the matter. Whose idea

The gair rhydd letters page Welcome to the letters page of one of the top four student newspapers in the UK. You write ‘em, we print ‘em...

Please email rather than post your letters in, remember kids - paper is for your lecture notes.

Three topics have dominated this week. Alex’s editorial in Quench, Mr Caldicott’s “Imperial pride” article, and the fact that Come Play sells out. On MONDAY. Before anyone accuses me of printing only the negative responses to “Imperial pride lost” – don’t. We didn’t receive any in support.

James Anthony was it to kick off the second issue of the year with a piece attacking students? And since the article was not signed it purports to represent the views of gair rhydd.

This I doubt. The paper usually gets the balance just right: a defiant and cocky defence of students mixed with selfdeprecating piss-takes of what we get up to.

If Quench wants to provide a platform for opinions that are based on contempt for students then fine. But the positioning, vehemence, and seeming editorial authority of this piece was deeply inappropriate. And if its author does happen to be the editor of Quench, then perhaps a new candidate for the position should step forward.

Yours, Chewie

‘Seeking approval’: a response Dear gair rhydd, I am writing in response to AJ Silvers “Student Ran”' in GR 745.

Like most journalists, he refers to the Israeli destruction of an alleged terrorist training camp in Syria, without mentioning that no one was injured or killed. This is in stark contrast to the Palestinian 'suicide' bombings of preceding

Letters is supported by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

weeks, which have killed dozens of people, mostly children. Two weeks ago, a Palestinian terrorist broke into a Jewish Israeli home and shot a seven-month-old baby girl in the face with an Uzi. Let me repeat that, a seven month old baby, an Uzi. If this was happening to your family, or in your country, you'd try to do something about it. If people were walking into your local Pizza Hut and murdering families at random, or getting onto school buses in order to kill groups of children, you would expect the government to do something about it. And on the scale of possible reprisals, destroying an empty building seems fairly restrained to me.

There is a lot of right and wrong on both sides here - a fact that not many people acknowledge - and the situation is not helped by kneejerk condemnation of every action that Israel takes.

Name withheld by request

Text’n’Drugs’n’Rock’n’Roll Text us:

07791 165 837

They threw them all out... Al my fuckin clothes! Shall have to wear accountancy fc football top each day. Diolch yn fawr iawn housemates.

Please will someone slap Mark Cobley for being an annoying socialist idiot.

The wardens at talybont have no idea. whats the dealio?

Stop stalking me you vaginal freak from virgin megastore! U know who u r! Raaar.

Youd be a fool to mess with m-j chamon motherfucker.

Join chris and andy for the breakfast show on hywell fm for some proper deep underground shit. please.

What if one day the ancestors of all the blades of grass you have ever stepped on decided to seek revenge?

Then you’d be screwed.

Timmy! get the rusty iron, that dalmatian puppy from next door and the well spoken russian 82 and a half year old slut from the dry cleaners. we need some bone marrow to make this work!

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Taf-Od

18 Hydref 2003

Tud 11

tafod@cf.ac.uk

Llwyddiant oz gwelwch yn dda!

Edrych ymlaen at fis a mwy o rygbi Gan Gari Edwards ERBYN HYN mi fydd Cymru wedi chwarae eu hail gêm yng Nghwpan Rygbi’r Byd ac mi fydd llygaid y Cymry wedi’u hoelio ar Awstralia i ddilyn hynt a helynt tîm Steve Hansen a Colin Charvis ar y cyfandir mawr islaw.

Ar ôl dechrau’n addawol yn y fuddugoliaeth o 41-10 dros Ganada, mae’n ymddangos fod yna rywfaint o haul ar fryn. Ond go brin fod modd i’r awyrgylch fod yn fwy gwahanol na’r teimlad bedair blynedd yn ôl, serch hynny.

Y 1999, Caerdydd oedd cartref y cwpan ac aeth Cymru i mewn i’r gêm agoriadol wedi ennill wyth ar y trot ac yn byrlymu o hyder dan arweiniad ysbrydoledig Graham Henry. Roedd y ffans hefyd yr un mor optimistig.

Eleni, mae’r gobeithion yn llai o beth tipyn. Er gwaetha’r fuddugoliaeth dros Ganada, a threchu Romania a’r Alban dros yr haf, colli oedd yr hanes yn yr unarddeg gêm flaenorol ac mi fuodd yn flwyddyn ddu ar y naw i’r tîm cenedlaethol.

Yn ôl y bwcis, mae Cymru yn 200-1 i ennill y gystadleuaeth, a thydi ymddeoliadau chwaraewyr fel Scott Gibbs, Scott Quinell a Rob Howley heb wneud llawer i wella pethau.

Ar ben hynny, mi fyddai arbenigwyr yn honni fod gan Gymru brinder presenoldeb mawr yn y tu blaen, a bod hynny’n siwr o fod yn faen tramgwydd pa mor dalentog bynnag ydi’r cefnwyr chwim y tu ôl.

Ond mi fyddai yna eraill yn gwrthod bod mor negyddol. Does dim ond rhaid edrych ar rai o’r enwau ifanc, cyffrous sydd wrthi’n gwneud dipyn o argraff ar hyn o bryd: Gareth Cooper, Tom Shanklin, Ceri Sweeney, Rhys Williams a Dafydd Jones yn eu plith.

Rhowch y rheini wedyn ochr yn ochr â thalentau fel Iestyn Harris

GRWP D: Y GEMAU A’R GELYNION

Hydref 12, CYMRU 41, CANADA 10 Roedd hi’n anodd rhagweld sut fyddai Canada’n ymateb i’r gêm cyn y chwiban gynta, ac fe gawson nhw gychwyn addawol wrth i Bobby Ross gicio cic adlam dros y pyst. Ond buan y cafodd Cymru draed tani ac yn y pendraw roedd y perfformiad yn un cadarn gyda Sonny Parker, Gareth Cooper, Mark Jones, Colin Charvis a Gareth Thomas yn croesi am geisiau.

Mae Gareth Thomas bellach o fewn un cais i ddod yn gyfartal gyda record Ieuan Evans o 33 cais dros ei wlad. Roedd hi hefyd yn gysur mawr gweld Iestyn Harris yn cael chwip o gêm - o gario ymlaen fel hyn fo fydd un o sêr y bencampwriaeth. Mwy o’r un fath felly yn yng ngweddill y gemau, oz gwelwch yn dda!

Hydref 19, TONGA (Canberra, 9am) Yr unig dîm yn y grwp sydd erioed wedi trechu Cymru, a nhw sy’n cael eu gweld fel y tîm gwannaf yn y grwp hefyd. Mi fydd hi’n sioc os na fydd Cymru’n llwyddo, ond mae gan

Tad a Mab, Mam a Merch... ac ambell i ben mawr!

Gan Ann Hysbys Anodd ydi adolygu crôl blynyddol Tad a Mab y Gym Gym nos Lun dair wythnos yn ôl. Y brif broblam ydi does ‘na neb yn cofio rhyw lawer o’r hyn ddigwyddodd. (Yn enwedig pan mae’r adolygiad yn ymddangos mor hwyr â hyn! - gol.)

Mi gychwynnodd y crôl reit addawol yn RSVP wrth rannu’r flwyddyn gyntaf i’w teuluoedd am noson o sgwrsio difyr a chyd-yfed.

Buan iawn y disgynnodd safon y sgwrs ac aeth y cyd-yfed yn gydchwdu (er mi oedd ‘na un neu ddau hen stejar ‘di hen arfer – pwy glywodd am hen hen daid 24 mlwydd oed o’r blaen?!)

Rhuthrodd pawb drwy restr hir y

COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (III)

(hen bryd iddo fo ddangos ei ddawn, fel y gwnaeth o o’r diwedd yn erbyn Canada), Colin Charvis y capten, a Martyn Williams, ac mae yna gnewyllyn carfan gryf ar bapur.

Mae hynny heb anghofio’r hen bennau fel Gareth Llywelyn a Robin McBryde.

Digon teg hefyd bod trefn y chwarae wedi bod yn garedig wrth Gymru: mae yna bron i wythnos rhwng bob un o’n gemau ni tra bo’r timau eraill yn gorfod gwasgu’u rhai nhw i mewn i gyfnod byrrach o lawer. Efo rhywfaint o ysbryd a chalon, pwy sydd i wybod?

Mae’n bryd felly i ni uno a chefnogi’r tîm, a dangos rhywfaint o ffydd gan obeithio am Gwpan y Byd i’w chofio (os nad i’w hennill!). A rhowch y cloc larwm yna yn barod ar yr un pryd – mae rhai o’r gemau’n dechrau’n gynnar ddiawledig!

crôl yn cadw hanner llygad ar eu horiawr a hanner ar y bar cyn ymosod ar Glwb Ifor ddiwedd nos.

Dwi’n siwr fod staff amyneddgar Clwb wedi dychryn o weld yr holl fistimanars meddwol megis y pile-up yng nghanol y llawr a’r graduras o Fôn yn sgrechian am help ar y gwaelod!

Braw hefyd oedd gweld aelodau mwy aeddfed y Gym Gym yn "dawnsio’n" hanner noeth ar y llwyfan.

Gyda’r wawr mi geisiodd pawb lusgo eu hunain am adra / mainc / drws siop / ysbyty’r Heath yn falch eu bod nhw ‘di goroesi’r noson.

Gan obeithio fod yr aelodau newydd heb ddychryn gormod mi welwn ni chi i gyd ar y crôl nesa’!

Tonga eu sêr eu hunain fel yr asgellwr Pierre Hola, sy’n sgorio ceisiau fel dyn gwyllt, a’r prop Tonga Lea’aetoa sydd yn 6 troedfedd, 2 fodfedd ac yn pwyso dros 20 stôn.

Hefyd, efallai y byddwch chi’n cofio Sililo Martens – chwaraewr y Rhyfelwyr Celtaidd sy’n fwy enwog efallai am ei ymddangosiadau ar Pobl y Cwm.

Hydref 25, YR EIDAL (Canberra, 9.30am) Ar ôl curo Cymru ym Mhencampwriaethau’r Chwe Gwlad, mi fydd yr Eidal yn ddigon hyderus o ail-adrodd y gamp. Mae enwau fel Mauro Bergamasco, Cristian Stoica, Ramiro Martinez ac Alessandro Troncon (y capten) yn ddigon cyfarwydd. Ond ar yr un pryd, tair gêm mae’r Azzuri wedi ei ennill erioed yng Nghwpan y Byd, ac mi orffennon nhw yng ngwaelod eu grwp bedair blynedd yn ôl. Ac mi fydd Cymru am ddial ar ôl Rhufain eleni.

Tachwedd 2, SELAND NEWYDD (Sydney, 9.35am)

Hysbysiad (neu ddau) Mi hoffai capteiniaid tîm rygbi’r Gym Gym atgoffa unrhyw un sydd eisiau chwarae eleni i gysylltu efo nhw yn gyflym. Maen nhw’n chwilio’n arbennig am bobl i chwarae yn y sgrym. Mae’r ymarferion bob pnawn dydd Sul a’r gemau IMG bob pnawn dydd Mercher. Cysylltwch efo Dafydd Rowlands (07900637623) neu Owain Dobson (07717316727) os ydach chi’n awyddus i chwarae.

-------------------------------------------Yn yr un modd, mi hoffai aelwyd yr Urdd CF1 atgoffa pawb fod y cyfarfodydd am 7 o’r gloch yn Eglwys Dewi Sant (ddim yn bell o Senghennydd) a bod croeso i unrhyw un ddod. Ar hyn o bryd maen nhw’n ymarfer at yr Wyl Gerdd Dant ac at Gyngerdd yn ddiweddarach ym mis Tachwedd i godi arian i Eisteddfod yr Urdd Môn. Am ragor o wybodaeth, ebost newydd yr aelwyd ydi aelwydCF1@yahoo.co.uk.

Efallai ei bod hi’n beth da fod y gêm yma’n dechrau mor gynnar os bydd y canlyniad unrhyw beth yn debyg i’r grasfa a gawsom ni gan Seland Newydd ar ddechrau’r haf. Y Crysau Duon ydi’r ffefrynnau am y Gwpan ac o edrych ar gyflymder a gallu dewiniaid fel Doug Howlett, Joe Rokocoko (11 cais mewn 7 prawf), Carlos Spencer a Tana Umaga, mi wnaiff Cymru’n dda i gadw’r sgôr yn barchus a rhoi perfformiad yn llawn calon. Ar ôl dweud hynny, os digwydd i ni ennill ein tair gêm agoriadol, mi fyddwn ni’n chwarae i ennill y grwp a phwy â wyr beth all ddigwydd dan amgylchiadau o’r fath...

Taf-Od mewn Cwlwm!

Fe hoffai pawb yn Taf-Od a Gair Rhydd ymddiheuro am y smonach yr wythnos diwethaf pan ymddangosodd yr un dudalen â’r wythnos cynt am ryw reswm anesboniadwy i bawb yma. Felly sori unwaith eto; wnaiff o ddim digwydd eto gyda lwc!

Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started!

Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg!

Oh my! Your mother has such beautiful eyes!

O’r nefoedd! Mae gan dy fam lygaid prydferth!

Fetch your coat, baby, you’ve pulled!

Cer i nôl dy got, cariad, rwyt ti wedi bachu!

How do you like your eggs in the morning, honey?

Sut wyt ti’n hoffi dy wyau yn y bore, fy siwgr candi?

Let’s not beat about the bush. I’m head over heels in love with you!

Llai o’r gwamalu. Rwyf dros fy mhen a’m clustiau mewn cariad â thi!

WEL DYMA fi, y Cofi Alltud, yn fy ôl a finna heb feddwl y buaswn i’n dod i ben hefo un golofn heb sôn am dair. Fel y dywedais i o’r blaen, nid peth hawdd ydi bod yn Gofi Alltud, a pheth anoddach fyth ydi bod yn Gofi Alltud sy’n sgwennu colofnau fel hon. Ond dyna fo, rydan ni’r Cofis wedi’n gwneud o gadarnach stwff na’r mwyafrif o bobl Cymru ac mi rydw i’n siwr o ddod drwyddi yn y pendraw.

Ar ôl deud hynny, cael a chael ydi fy mod i yn fy ôl o gwbl.

Wedi bod am ambell i beint hefo’r hogia oedd y Cofi Alltud rhyw bnawn yn ddiweddar a ninnau’n penderfynu landio mewn clwb nos fel sy’n draddodiad ar achlysuron o’r fath.

Ond syndod ar y mwya oedd sylwi bod un o’r gwyr bonheddig wrth y drws yn sefyll yn fy ffordd i a hwnnw’n barod i gyhoeddi yn ei Saesneg gorau: "You’re not getting in tonight, mate. It’s company policy not to let Cofis inside."

Mi oedd hyn yn gymaint o sioc nes fy mod i’n meddwl i ddechrau mai cellwair oedd y cyfaill ond cyn pen hir a hwyr dyma sylweddoli fod y tynnwr coes o ddifri.

"Gwranda, mêt," medda fi, yn dechrau colli’n limpyn. "Clwb nos ydi hwn, a’r Cofi Alltud ydw i! Rwan, wyt ti’n siwr nad ydw i’n cael dod i mewn neu beidio?"

Wnaeth o ddim trafferthu ateb.

Wel, dim efo’i geg beth bynnag.

Mi ffeindiodd y Cofi Alltud ei hun wedi’i hyrddio i ganol y stryd mewn modd diseremoni ac anurddasol a dweud y lleia. Dim ond diolch i’r angylion yn y nefoedd fy mod i dal yn fyw.

A diolch sy’n rhaid hefyd fod gen i ddigon o ras i faddau i’m cyd-ddyn a gadael i ddwr fynd dan bont (er na fuasai hi’n syniad drwg boddi’r bownsar yn hwnnw i ddechrau).

Ta waeth, ac i newid cyfeiriad, mae hi’n fis a mwy ers i’r Cofi Alltud adael yr hen dre ac mae’r hiraeth am Gaernarfon yn dechrau tynnu’r dagrau bob yn dipyn.

Nid yn llythrennol, wrth gwrs mae pob Cofi yn ormod o ddyn i hynny. Ond prin y galla i ddisgwyl tan y tro nesa y byddai’n cael cwmni’r A470 ar y daith yn ôl am y gogledd. Teg edrych tuag adref medda’r hen air wedi’r cyfan.

Teg edrych tua’r pyb hefyd, o ran hynny. Mae hi’n mynd yn hwyr, a finna yn dechra cenfigennu o feddwl am weddill yr hogia uwchben eu peints yn barod. Mae fy un i yn bownd o fod yn mynd yn hen-ffasiwn fel beic erbyn hyn. Mi fyddai’n ôl tro nesa, fel sy’n arferol bellach.

Ond rwan mae’n amser i mi fynd i hel fy mol - nos da.

Media

Page 12

October 18 2003

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

A network of gossip

gair rhydd nominated Why rumours on the net mean trouble for ISPs for award

By Mark Haddon Media Correspondent YOU’LL HAVE read about it, heard about it and you’ve probably discussed it with your mates. Why is that you cannot publicly name the footballers accused of gang rape on the net?

Thousands of us regularly use message boards to express our opinions

on issues such as the latest Matrix instalment to how glad they are that Dee is dead in Neighbours. However there are still unclear legal implications to which message board operators must abide by.

The combination of the nation’s favourite sport, superstar players and sex has propelled the story on to the lips of just about everyone. This media frenzy and the speculation of just who

Internet messageboards are a great source of rumours

was involved has highlighted current uncertainties within the Internet and the law.

Lord Goldsmith, the attorney general, has already called for restraint in the coverage but this has been mostly aimed at sensationalist tabloids such as the Sun and the Mirror who were openly criticised for the collapse of previous high profile trials like those of the former Leeds players Jonathan Woodgate and Lee Bowyer.

Reputable Internet sites such as Rivals.net have quickly taken heed of such warning, quickly taking down their message boards to ensure that it can’t be accused of leaking the players names.

The sites have done this so as to avoid being sued for libel. Any of the players who are not charged but named, could in theory sue the site claiming that their reputation as role models has been damaged, so winning substantial damages in the process.

A spokesperson for Rivals.net stated, "The message boards of RDM are currently closed as it was felt that given this unique situation and the intense interest in the press and public in general, it was prudent to ensure our network was not used for any unsavoury comments or unsubstantiated rumours" She went further on to say. "This was a pre-emptive action and this decision has not been taken as a result of any particular post but to protect

“Any player could sue the website for substantial damages”

ourselves from people who may want to use our boards in a manner that is incorrect".

However, many are angry at this action, claiming message boards were created for fans to openly discuss and argue. You would feel angry, say as a pub landlord to find that a conversation between some of your patrons had ended up with you getting sued for hundreds of thousands of pounds in damages?

This has lead ISPs to openly call for a change in the law to make those who circulate rumours via the internet liable rather than the ISPs that host the material. But in the meantime before there is any clarification in the law, sites that host message boards are taking firm action.

With a spokesman for Microsoft and its MSN.co.uk website stating: "We reserve the right to terminate access to any MSN communication service or delete content, without notice, found to be in violation of the code of conduct."

It is however likely that the identities of the footballers will continue to pop up on illicit websites and e-mail; such is the nature of the internet and its borderless possibilities for communication.

Not to be outdone there have been cases of student websites messing up big style. Take the Leeds Student Radio website. It was awash with rumour about the identity of a well-known celebratory accused of rape.

Unfortunately, it was also the only site in the country, to have failed to remove any references to his name.

Safe to say this was a narrow escape for the Leeds students. On the other hand a word of warning for our own Xpress Radio and its message boards as the law stands anything slanderous could well be a fading celebs pension.

from front page Commenting on the shortlist, NUS National Secretary Penny Hollins said, "Once again we have had a phenomenal amount of entries for these awards. The standard of work has made the task of the judges an almighty one.

"Having been a judge myself, I extend my full congratulations to those who have made the shortlist."

Hollins was joined on the shortlist by such big names as Mark Frith, editor of ‘Heat’ magazine, Jill Foster, the features editor at the Mirror and Andrew Collins, former editor of Q magazine.

Competition will be tough however, as gairrhydd is up against the familiar names of York Vision and the Leeds Student, as well as Cambridge University’s Varsity paper for the accolade of best paper, whilst Alex must fight off the challenges of Oxford Student, UCL’s London Student and York Vision.

There’s also good news for Blunt, Cardiff University’s postgraduate website service as it makes the shortlist for best student website. This comes hot on the heels of it’s nomination for the same category in the Guardian Student Media Awards.

The Leeds Student and York Vision lead the awards list with seven and five nominations respectively. Other publications that feature heavily in the shortlist are the University of the West of England’s Westworld magazine and Nottingham Trent’s ‘Platform.’

How we get news for you

The internet is becoming an increasingly vital tool for student journalists writes Will Dean

C

ontrary to what you might believe, news doesn’t just pop out of thin air. Even the journalistic colossus that is gair ryhdd has to get its stories from other sources.

Major broadcasters and publications may have their own dedicated news spotters but more often than not depend on huge global networks such as Reuters and international news wires that are constantly updated.

Thankfully, since the dawn of the internet you don’t have to own your own multi-national news corporation to stay on top of the news. There are countless news sites on the web providing all spheres of the media with up to the minute reports and news from every corner of the world.

As the majority of our news output here at gair ryhdd is primarily

concerned with life involving yourselves and the university much of our own news is gathered either directly from people contacted the paper or the union or by our news editors hearing stories on the grapevine and finding enthusiastic newshounds to follow up on these leads. This can be particularly interesting for the production team if a good story breaks close to deadline on Thursday afternoon as they may well end up ironing out the creases in the story well into the early hours of the morning.

Fortunately for our sister media here at the Union, Xpress Radio news can be produced very quickly and on the day.

Despite the occasional technical problems, Xpress’ very own news team, The Pulse is increasingly reliant on the internet to gather its news stories. Much like gair ryhdd, The Pulse focus the majority of their news about the

university, but as Xpress news staffer Rachael Sweetland pointed out," if there is big news nationally or at other institutions, we will try and cover it".

Xpress’ hourly bulletins use information from the union’s own websites (www.cardiff-students.com) as well as national student websites such as studentzone.org.uk and nus.org.uk. A close working relationship with the union executive, Finnbar Graham and Student liaison officer PC Bob Keone give Student Media at Cardiff quick and easy access to news about the union and the university itself.

If you want to keep on top of the news on the web yourself, there are some useful and often very funny sites to keep you informed. One of the most popular of these is www.Ananova.com, a general news site that splits down into different sub-categories including sport and entertainment. It is updated by the

minute and is reasonably simple to use, however the best part about it is the quirkies section which gives strange, but often hilarious news stories from across the globe, While looking yesterday, for instance, I was informed of a Chinese advert for growth tablets where the Seven Dwarves grow up and pull Snow White. Vital information?

Perhaps not, but interesting, most definitely.

If you have any stories about life at Cardiff University or something interesting about the city in general, don’t hesitate to contact any of our news team by popping into the Gair Ryhdd offices on the 4th floor of the Union or by emailing us at grnews@cardiff.ac.uk. If all of this is too much and you just want to get your news the old fashioned way, pick up your free copy of Gair Ryhdd from the Union every Saturday.

Deputy ed Alex Macpherson

Media Muddle

A new arrival this week in the gair rhydd office - the all singing, all dancing GLOSSY magazine, Hullfire, from Hull University. It really makes us shudder to think how much they must have spent on it (400 per page was one guess) compared with exactly how dire the content is. Maybe the Mirror should add the ‘how to go downhill very quickly’ to it’s student media awards shortlist, as Hullfire would be sure to win.

Many comments have come media’s way about the number of mistakes in last week’s Xpress schedule. We’d just like to point out that this was designed and written by our illustrious fourth floor neighbours themselves and as such had nothing to do with us. What it does reenforce though is that radio people shouldn’t mess with concepts they don’t understand. Like writing.

Careers

October 18 2003

Page 15

gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk

Postcard from the real world

T

HERE WERE two choices, a red pill and a blue pill.

The blue pill allowed us to stay in the safety of the world that we knew, surrounded by familiar objects, routines and people. The red pill led into uncertainty, danger, perhaps misery…it was a difficult choice.

But we did it. We decided to escape the Matrix and chose to swallow the red pill, and have now woken up covered in slime and strategically placed socket holes, gasping and totally confused.

We’re still waiting for the spaceship to come and take us to safety.

What are we talking about?

Graduating to the "real world" of course. Yes, the time has finally arrived where we have to face up to harsh reality and accept that life at university is over. No more lazy mornings in bed, followed by a leisurely stroll to lectures and chats with mates over coffee and muffins in the café. From now on it’s early mornings at the office, working ‘til five, and doing it all over again the next day and the next and the next…

After only six hours of lectures a week

this is a severe shock to the system.

The blue pill symbolised the postgraduate route and a chance to stay cocooned for another year. But it would only have been a temporary delay before reality came flooding in. Also, the prospect of another heavy debt at the end of it was not attractive. So we sit here, typing away on grey swivel chairs, in our corporate boxes, sipping the murky office coffee.

It’s not all bad though. Persephone works in an office where trainers are considered an acceptable form of footwear, where the radio is on all day, where (occasionally) she gets some perks like free concert tickets. Plus she doesn’t start until 10am; a marginally more civilised time of day. Electra gets to meet some famous people (well, famous in Wales anyway), has subsidised sandwiches and manages to blag tickets to all sorts of events under false pretences. In short, we’re being eased in gently, although the eight hour days have had a detrimental effect on our sanity.

We have, therefore, decided that our mission is to show you lucky sods, who are still enjoying student life, some postcards from the real world. They’re designed to give you a taster of what it’s really like for new graduates attempting to adjust to another reality.

But fear not, we have no intentions of donning dark glasses and dragging you from your cosy haven of the Matrix.

Just enjoy reading our experiences from the safety of your student bubble, while you still can, cos all too soon it’ll be your turn to swallow the red pill.

By Perse Eagleton and Electra Dove

Project focus: Home and Away What?

Home & Away is befriending project that involves two student volunteers taking out a child with learning difficulties, aged between 3 and 12.

Time Commitment?

2 – 3hrs every week Why get involved?

The project enables children to have fun and get involved in stimulating activities within the home or the community in which they live, giving them the chance to interact with the people in an environment other than their home or school.

Volunteers can take their child swimming, bowling, to the farm, McDonalds, Techniquest or instead stay at home and play.

Home and Away offers the child’s family an invaluable respite service, allowing them a break and a chance to spend some time on their own or with their other children or family members.

Who to Contact?

Lizzie Gifford - gifforde@cf.ac.uk Yvette Fursdon - fursdony@cf.ac.uk SVC Launch Party - Monday 20th October

Pre-club drinks at Crispy Ducks, in the Ster Century Cinema complex from 8pm.

Drunk on Funk at The Philharmonic,

SVC has access to the VIP room with private bar from 10pm.

Student Volunteering Cardiff 3rd Floor of the Students’ Union www.SVCardiff.org Tel: (029) 2078 1510

Listings

Page 16

October 18 2003

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Welcome to gair rhydd’s all new day by day listings. If it’s on it’s in. Hannah Muddiman

Saturday18/10

Exhibition: Graham Sutherland OM (1903-1980) @ The National Museum and Gallery A Centenary celebration of Sutherland’s work. Until the 14th December. Free Marriage of Figaro, Mozart @ New Theatre 7:15pm £6.50 standby on night from 6pm (NUS) Come Play @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 Laika Dog @ Barfly featuring Tony Wright; frontman of Terrovision.

Doors:8pm £7 Advance Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco 10:30pm-2am £3 Blueprint @ Moloko Vocal house/disco roots Till 2am Okiihyoshi @ Metros Chunky Indie and Baggy Beats World Party @ The Toucan Latin and world music Till 2am Saturday Night Comedy @ Jongleurs Comedy Club 7:15pm-2am £13 Including Bar Risa Terry Callier, Willis @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm £13 advance Resident DJs @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Upstairs) The Moxie Pleanty. Alt, Hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk punk 11pm £3 (NUS) Party Night @ Bar Med Resident DJs 9pm-2am Resident DJs @ Berlins Garage, RnB, urban sounds 9pm-2am DJ Martin Griffith @ Walkabout 60s-present rock, pop, commercial dance 8pm-11pm Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin’ Jack’s music, comedy, meaningless banter Bulletproof @ The Coal Exchange Andy Hague Quintet @ Jazz Cafe Delicatessen @ Journeys Resident DJs, beats and breaks 11am-12midnight Bollywood Nights @ St. David’s Hall 7:30pm. Tickets from £14.50

Thursday23/10

Fallen into the Ashes, The Break in, DRail, Of Noble Blood @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Upstairs) Doors:8pm £4 Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Downstairs) Reggae, dub, ska 10pm £3 (NUS) Climax @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Alternative Freshers’ Ball @ Seren Las SU Grimsoc and Oddsoc present Starski, Komanchi tribe and Chang.

8:30pm-2am Spellbound Thursdays @ Metros Metal and indie 9pm-3am Enthusiasm @ Moloko Massive Giveaway Hiphop, DnB 9pm-2am Free before 11, £1After The Jeevas @ Barfly Featuring Crispan Mills (Ex-Kula Shaker) Doors 8pm £6.50 Advance Thursday Night Fever @ Barfly Put on your dancing shoes for extreme cheese 10:30pm-2am £2 (NUS) Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and RnB 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Rubbish @ The Toucan The Super Furry Animals DJs Till 2am Northern Soul @ Journeys Ska Reggae 60s MOD 4pm-12midnight Chris Goldfinger @ Liquid Raheem and resident DJs support the radio 1 DJ. 10pm-3am £5 before11.

Leipzig Gewandhaus Orchestra @ St David’s Hall 7:30pm From £9:50 Mike Hoddinott’s Blues Allstars @ Blues Dragon Club 8:30pm-11pm £5 John Paul Gard’s Pedal Mania @ Cafe Jazz

Sunday19/10 Sunday Lunch @ Jazz Cafe Julian Martin, jazz piano 1pm-3pm Cardiff coffee concerts @ National Museum and Gallery Jamie Walton, cello and Daniel Grimwood, piano. Playing Prokofiev, Beethoven and Bloch.

11:30am Free (NUS) including free coffee/fruit juice/sherry!!!!!

Box Office: 02920 573466 Who Wants To Be A Clever Dick @ The Taf Win a £300 bar tab!!

7:30 Start (get there early) £3 per team Acoustic Speakeasy @ The Toucan Chilled jam sessions, open mic from 8pm. Tapas available Till Midnight The Real Party @ Jumpin’ Jack’s Resident DJs DJ Joe Gulis @ Walkabout Funky Jazz @ Bar Med Taboo @ Moloko World music Till Midnight Acoustic Bite @ Journeys Atmospheric acoustic 11am-midnight Owen Money and Friends @ St David’s Hall Welsh children in union 7:30pm tickets from £6 Athlete @ The Great Hall, SU Doors 7:30pm £9 Tribute to Nothing, Midasuno, Dopamine, Opium @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm £5 advance Room on Fire Club Night @ Barfly 7pm-10:30pm £1

Friday24/10

Silent Running @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Upstairs, 2 Floors) DnB, Tru Playaz residency, featuring DJ Hype, Pascal, Hazzard, MC AD, 10pm £10 Advance The Dudes Abide @ Clwb ifor Bach (Downstairs) Psych, folk, mod, punk, 60s garage 10pm £3 Advance Lashtastic @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Kilo-C, Ninja Pigeon, Gold Cash Gold @ Barfly Doors 8pm £4 Advance Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats and party tunes 10:30pm-2am £3 Chaos @ Metros Indie alternative 9pm-3am £2.50 before 10pm Forward Motion @ Moloko Funk, Disco, hiphop, partybreaks Till 2am Mothership Convention @ The Toucan Rare groove and funk Till 2am Panic Station @ Cafe Jazz Blues Dragon Club at Cafe Jazz £3 Soul Dreams @ Journeys Old school soul and RnB 11am-12midnight Glenn Miller Army Airforce Orchestra @ St David’s Hall 7:30pm From £13:50

Coming Up.....

Student Demonstration Next Sunday Book your Place.

Monday20/10

Film Society @ UGC Bowling for Columbine Meet beforehand in the bar 8pm for the film at 9pm £3 (NUS) £2 film soc. members.

Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Pooh yer pants @ Liquid Selected drinks £1 £2 (NUS) Fun Factory @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am Free before 11, £2 After Six by Seven, Oceansize, Scanners @ Barfly Doors: 8pm £6 Advance Smell the Glove @ Barfly Good time Rock and Roll 11pm-2am £2 Something Anything @ Moloko Laid back, Chilled tunes Till 2am Salsa Night @ Bar Med Jazz Attic @ Jazz Cafe Jam night, Sign in on the door to play From 8pm £1.50 Aled Jones @ St David’s Hall 7:30pm From £14.50

Tuesday21/10

Exhibition: ‘Sian: Time Traveler’ @ Butetown History & Arts Centre A new addition to the museum charting the history of Cardiff Bay, drawing on the experiences of local people.

Tuesday-Friday 10am-5pm, Weekends 11am-4:30pm Free The Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Dave Williams with Andy Bone and Karen Cockfield Doors: 8pm Show: 9pm £2 (NUS) Under Milk Wood, Dylan Thomas @ The New Theatre 7:30pm Until Saturday Matinees at 3pm Weds, Thurs and Sat Standby tickets on the day from£6 (NUS) Jazz on the Level @ St David’s Hall Pat Crumly quartet, £8 Vibration White Finger, Scissor Sisters, Donya Maria, Viking Skull, Shaped by Fate, The Black Market Movement @ Barfly Doors 8pm £4 Advance Bounce @ Barfly DnB 11pm-2am £2 OffYaFace @ Metros Metal, Rap, Punk, Ska and DnB £1 bottles and shots No dress code 9pm-2am Free before 11, £1.50 After Funky Town @ Stylus Commercial disco and RnB flavas 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk Shots £1 cocktails £2.95, pitchers 9.95 Till 2am Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Upstairs) Rock, goth, metal 9pm £2.50 I Hear A New World @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Downstairs) 10pm £2 (NUS) Cheese Nation @ Jumpin’ Jack’s International night @ Journeys 4pm-12midnight Open Mic @ Toucan 8pm-12Midnight

CinemaWeek Where?

FILM OF THE WEEK: KILL BILL

By Mat Croft, Film Ed.

This is what we’ve been missing the past six years - despite the kung fu aesthetics and acrobatic action, this is pure Tarantino all the way. Smart-talking assassins, experimental movie-making, pop culture references, fucked-up chronologies and coolass fellas getting blood all over their smart black suits are all handled the way only Quentin knows how. It’s a lot more Pulp Fiction than you might expect, and all the better for it.

The cast is great too: Tarantino’s old comrade Uma Thurman plays The Bride with so much cool that both girls and guys will leave the cinema wanting to be her, while Samurai legend Sonny Chiba puts in a hilarious cameo and aging mermaid Daryll ‘Splash’ Hannah is perfect as an eyepatched ice maiden.

Kill Bill has more style than a hundred Matrixes. Go see it.

UGC Cinema Mary Ann Street 0870 9070739 Ster Century Cinema Millennium Plaza Wood Street 0870 7672676 UCI Cinema Atlantic Wharf 0870 0102030

Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place,02920 878889.

The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay,02920 256757 National Museum and Gallery Cathays Park, 02920 397951.

Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 02920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs Stylus

Wednesday22/10

Wednesday Social @ Barfly Relax with coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu acoustic set…? 12noon-2:30pm Free Talk @ National Museum and Gallery ‘Genius Loci’ a talk on the Graham Sutherland exhibition, 1:05pm Free.

Career Pods @ Main Car Park 11am-6pm 2 for 1 cocktails @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Hundred Reasons @ Mount Stuart Club Doors 7:30pm Tickets £10 Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU Double Vodka and Red Bull £2.50 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Cheapskates @ Metros Alternative and cheese Double shot and mixer 80p, no dress code 9pm-2am Tokyo-yo @ Moloko Rare groove, clash of the tunes Till 2am Express @ Barfly Party hip hop featuring resident DJs, turntablists and breakdancers 10:30pm-2am £2 Relax @ Stylus Sounds of the 80s 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesey club: mowtown, funk, disco.

Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9:30pm £2.50 (NUS) Boomshanka @ The Toucan Late 60s-70s Hippy funk & acoustic soul Till 2am Indie Box @ Journeys Essential Pre-club warm-up 4pm-12midnight Stars in their eyes @ St David’s Hall 7:30pm From £13:50

Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millennium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millennium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary

Henry’s Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (Gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street

Television

October 18 2003

Page 17

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Your essential guide to this week’s TV 18 October to 24 October

Sing-a-long-a-Shag-a-thon

It’s all cocks and choruses on CH4 with a porn musical.

HOT George Clooney.

G o r g e o u s George returns to the big screen this week in Intolerable Cruelty - the latest offering from cinematic geniuses the Coen Brothers. Clooney puts in a superb performance, oozing classiness and humour. Truly the heir to Cary Grants crown.

SOAPS Dirty Den shags Sam! Lisa is an alcoholic! Kelly and Zoe have lesbian sex soon (ish)! Eastenders is really getting back into its storylines of madness mode.

On the other side of the world things are pretty hairy too - and I’m not just talking about Toadie’s old school dreads. Lyn has gone mad, Steph is going to die and for some reason Boyd has got a relatively fit girl in his sights. What next Summer seeing dead people?

Anyway, at least it’s not all as mad as Corrie. I never watch it, because it’s shit, but I heard all about the date rape thing and thought I had gone mad. This bloody ratings war is really pissing me off. I don’t want something dramatic to happen in soapland. I just want fit blokes on my TV. Lots of love from TV Holly xxx

David Blaine is being released!

Although I’m not sure that that deserves an exclamation mark. It was bad enough that he managed to get attention even when in a box, but the hype that surrounds his exit may make this more than the poor British public can bear. However, the final instalment of the farce that has been this epic bag of shite is gracing our screens come Monday (9pm Channel 4/12.15pm S4C). Although it is a day late, as he will be released offically on Sunday, we will all be sitting with bated breath glued to our screens etc etc. Or will we? I think we all know that there will be some ridiculous further development on the night - he may be dropped in the Thames and forced to escape; he may be hustled into an ambulance; he may just chat entertaining shit for the cameras’ sake. But, cynical as we may all be, I bet we’ll all be watching. Suckers!

Another pick for Monday is The Money Pit, starring a very young and strangely malco-ordinated Tom Hanks (Sky 1, 9pm). This film is especially relevent for those of us who pine for the simplicity of our eighties lives, i.e. get up, go to school, pick fights and eat crisps, come home, watch Tom Hanks film, sleep. And my house was the money pit then, because we had racoons in our lift. Ok, so I pretended about the lift. And the racoons. I can’t excuse myself, it’s just a goddam bad film but I know you’ll get dewy eyed and nostalgic when it’s on. So watch!

DIGITAL WATCH In the sad absence of Teen Big Brother (which we all watched for educational purposes, I’m sure) I’ve been searching for anything smutty/mind-bending for y’all. Well, I couldn’t find anything - but I have come up with a few gems to keep you occupied when terrestrial has taken its toll.

So, first up we have Heartthrobs of the 90s (Friday, Sky 1, 2pm).

This looks like one of those random decade programmes with bizarre ‘celebrities’ (e.g. Jade Goody) hearing an obscure name from the past and laughing/snorting/doing a special dance move invented by the past celeb. We should hate these programmes, but we all get sucked in with lines like “Yeah, I stuck his poster on my pillow and learnt to snog on it”. So watch this and reopen your inner teen. Slam doors, listen to Utah Saints and phone your mum so you can project your angst onto her.

Can’t wait!

Also, keep your irids alive for Six Feet Under (E4, 10pm, Thursday). I don’t know how long Channel 4 are going to keep us waiting for this series, so if you know someone with digital then get them onto this. Inescapably good, even for cynics of American TV. Wicked characters, complicated plots and fiesty dialogue. Enjoy! Love from TV Holly xxx

‘Ullo kittens. It’s TV Andy’s birthday this week on Thursday, but my dedication to you my loyal readers is so great that I’m staying in on my birthday night with nowt but pizza for company to bring you next week’s listings. Gifts of gratitutde are happily accepted in the post by the way.

Anyhow - after the veritable banquet of quality TV last week, this weeks schedule looks more barren than Anne Widdecome's bedsheets. Still the weekly standards of excellence such as Wife Swap and Would Like To Meet should bring smiles to some faces at least.

Tuesday offers us the bizzare spectacle of Pornography: The Musical (CH4 10.40pm) where pornstars of ever shape, size and colour talk about their lives in the form of a

song and dance routine. Directed

by Brian Hill, maker of last year’s Feltham Sings where he did a similar film with young offenders in prison it’s bound to be excellent, if slightly weird.

More sex on Thursday with CH4 as Cutting Edge (9.00pm) recounts the tale of two former brothel owners who moved from Oz to the UK and set themselves up as aristocrats duping punters all over London and even meeting the Queen. On the same night and at the same time, five screens the ever awesome American Werewolf In London with blood, gore and excessive body hair. Much like Thursdays in Metros then.

Good good, not much space left for me, lowly TV John. Which is OK actually, because none of my picks this week are actually any good.

Firstly we have Russell Crowe’s Greatest Fights (Saturday, 11.30pm S4C) which would be alright, only it delves deeply into the psychology of the bloated Aussie which nobody cares about, and probably won’t feature Russ going mad and thumping people, which we do. Then on Sunday we have The Greatest Magic Tricks in the Universe Ever (five, 8pm) which will be rubbish, but everyone loves camp magic more than this socalled serious magic, so enjoy people sawing themselves in half and the like. Finally, can someone PLEASE put Brookside (C4, Wednesday, 12.45am) out of it’s misery. It’s tragic seeing it rot like a poor, miserable wilting f l o w e r. sniff.

VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Perfectly lampooning life both here at GR and in offices all over Britain The Office has rapidly ingrained itself into the nations conciousness as one of our finest comedy series. It’s with much rejoicing that Season 2 arrives on DVD on Monday and who better to comment on it that our own Brentmeister General Tristan Thomas: Not the best of warm ups, but it’s a tricky audience and you’re not a professional comedian.

So much has been said about The Office ... and I’m boring myself. In truth it’s difficult to describe its genius - if I were to list the gags here they wouldn’t appear particularly funny. But through the mannerisms of Tim, Brent, Gareth and the rest of the assorted caricatures dotted throughout this second series, you can’t help but laugh/cringe/replicate the script to the annoyance of friends and family. Or perhaps that’s just me.

Is the second season funnier than the first? Probably not, but you care more about the characters and the bitter sweet nature of the comedy comes more to the fore.

Ask me to name three geniuses, I wouldn’t say Newton, Enstein...

I would say Everett, Cleese, Gervais.

NOT Alpay. Not just content with being an arrogant twat with no discernable talent and a penchant for pissing his team mates off Alpay furthered his calls to be kicked out of English football by poking Beckham in the face causing him to be deservedly lamped in the tunnel.

SPORT As the Rugby World Cup trundles along like a Prop forward in a shopping trolley (every day ITV 1 and 2) most peoples attention will be drawn towards England Vs South Africa on Saturday (1pm).

Even though we stuffed them earlier this year it’ll be a stern test of Woodward’s men.

FILMS Lots of good shit on this week with the premieres of X-Men and Gladiator on ITV1 and five respectively. Old school classics are also in force with An American Werewolf in London and Catch 22 (five and BBC 2) though i’d imagine Mr Crowe will have your attention. All together: “Father to a murdered son...”

RADIO It’s a festival week for anyone out there in radio land, because there isn’t really anything exciting on, at all.

But if you’re looking for some variety, some pick n’ mix radio if you will, you can do worse than these, hand-picked purely because the people involved have silly names. First up, if you’re awake at 4am, on Radio 1, we have The Essential Mix with some guy called Wally Lopez. Earlier in the same day, there’s The Saturday Play on Radio 2 (2.30pm), an adaption of The Colour of Murder, which is bereft of excitement apart from the inclusion of an actor entitled Don McCorkingdale. Lastly, on Radio 4 again, this time on Monday at the convenient time of 6.30, There’s a sitcom called Do Nothing Till You Hear From Me with Ram John Holder, which I’m sure we’d all love to do.

Television

Page 18

October 18 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Saturday 18 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Enchanted Lands 06.40 Moomin 07.05 UBOS 07.30 Mona the Vampire 07.40 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 What's New Scooby-Doo? “Not much, the entirety of America is still overrun by a disproportionate number of criminals who dress up as ghosts in order to get away with their crimes” - Scoob 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.30 Grandstand 13.35 Golf - The World Match Play Championship 15.45 Football Half-Times 15.50 Golf As above. 17.10 BBC News and Regional News 17.30 Only Fools and Horses 18.00 Born to Win 19.00 Celebrity Dog School Impossibly lame concept, in aid of Children in Need and indeed, celebrities in need.

19.30 The National Lottery: Winning Lines 20.15 Casualty Or “Guess the Injury Sweepstakes after Only Five Minutes” as it’s also known.

21.05 Silent Witness 22.05 BBC News; Weather 22.25 Parkinson With Michael Caine, Billy Connolly and REM. Don’t expect any veering from the middle of the road here, then.

23.25 FILM: Baby It's You *** 01.10 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 02.00 They Think It's All Over 02.30 A Question of Sport 03.00 Top of the Pops Aaargh you didn’t listen, did you? The Black Eyed Peas are still number one! And the longest run at number one since Cher! I hate all of you. You idiots.

06.00 Weekend 24 09.15 The Sharp End with Clive Anderson 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 World Matchplay Golf 12.30 See Hear 13.30 What the Romans Did for Us 13.50 The Middle Classes: Their Rise and Sprawl Pun of the week time on Saturday afternoon Two. 14.20 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 14.50 Cagney and Lacey 15.40 The Rockford Files 16.30 World Matchplay Golf Just incase you aren’t already watching World Matchplay Golf at exactly the same time on BBC1 17.10 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 17.40 What the Papers Say 17.50 Miss Marple: Murder at the Vicarage 19.25 FILM: The Thirty-Nine Steps ** The 1978 remake, with Robert “I went from this to being in a sitcom with Jasper Carrott” Powell 21.05 The Big Read: Top 21 Revealed Why twenty one?

Anyway since last week I was accused of not being smutty, enough, so, sigh, here goes.

Phwoar! Books! I’d give JK Rowling one! and JD Sallingers got a big one, so I heard. I’m just hoping The Book of Revelations is here to satisfy MY bookworm. Can I stop now?

22.40 Have I Got News for You 23.10 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 23.40 Celebdaq 24.10 FILM: The Great Gatsby 02.30 Joins BBC News 24 This is necessary why? I can’t help but wonder about the schedulers sanity today. 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: Curriculum Development Featuring thirty year old clips of reservoir drainage, and other things you never wanted to “learn”.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 SMTV Gold 11.30 CD:UK 12.20 ITV News; Weather 12.25 HTV News and Weather 12.30 Rugby World Cup 2003: South Africa v England 15.15 Rugby World Cup 2003 Speaking of rugby, has anyone else seen the World Cup ‘99 mosaics down by the stadium? Talk about national stereotyping. The American one has a burger AND fries, the Italians have ice cream and pizza. You can guess the rest. 16.15 The Goal Rush 17.05 HTV News and Weather 17.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.35 You've Been Framed!

17.50 Celebrities under Pressure 18.50 Pop Idol 19.50 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

20.50 ITV Weekend News 21.05 Pop Idol Results 21.30 Greasemania Amanda Holden hosts disgraceful excuse for entertainment, in which talentless buffoons cover songs from one of the worst films of all time. With Darius, The Cheeky Girls, and Gareth Gates. Urgh. 22.30 The Premiership 24.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 01.00 The Frank Skinner Show 01.50 Down Under Forever This weeks edition of my current favourite program, features clips from various Australian artists.

Surely there aren’t enough to fill 55 minutes? Expect far too much Kylie, and this weeks unpopular early 90s rock to be Silverchair. So long as The Vines aren’t mentioned... 02.45 CD:UK Hotshots 03.10 Turn On Terry 03.35 Entertainment Now! ...Which used to Follow ...Forever. Alas, those times have passed.

Greasemania ITV1 21.30pm

S4C

five

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Speedway 08.00 Trans World Sport 09.00 The Morning Line 09.55 Scrapheap Challenge 10.55 Andromeda 11.45 In Your Face 11.55 Friends 12.25 Smash Hits Chart 12.55 T4: Fashion House 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces Recommended: leavingthehouse 17.00 The First World War: Jihad 18.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 19.30 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.45 Diolch o Galon 20.30 Y Bws Gwlad Tara This sounds fascinating.

Apparently Tara and John, the two presenters, travel across Wales in a “country and western bus”. Whatever that entails, and pick people up for “dancing”. Sounds like yee-haw-meets-welsh pimping to me.

21.00 Llafur Gwlad 22.00 Pen Tennyn 22.30 Seven Days That Shook EastEnders Thursday: Comedian mistakes Barbara Windsor and Mike Reid for serious actors and turns the Queen Vic into Carry On farce. 23.30 Russell Crowe's Greatest Fights See pick of the week.

24.30 World Rally 01.30 Headliners: Metallica This weeks mysterious “random music in the middle of World Rally and Brazilian Football” is insufficiently filled by everyone’s favourite overrated gurning metallers, Metallica. Don’t bother staying up 02.00 Brazilian Football Championship 2003

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake! 08.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 RAD 12.55 Popular 13.50 Our Hero 14.20 USA High 14.45 Agrippine 15.10 Flaunt Chart Show 15.40 Home and Away Omnibus 17.45 FILM: Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves Third in the inordinately bad “Honey...” trilogy. This is the one nobody remembers, nobody saw and nobody will ever see. Rick “I’m so zany!” Moranis shrinks himself and his brother. Wacky!

19.10 five news and sport 19.20 Charmed 20.15 Alias 21.05 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.25 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 23.20 Law and Order 24.20 Major League Baseball: World Series Game One Still no explanation as to why glorified rounders is one of the most popular sports in America.

See also crap rugby. 04.20 That 70s Show 04.45 That 70s Show 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters Talk about a slow day on all five terrestrial channels. Go and rent a video instead. Although most people don’t even read Gair Rhydd until Monday, so my excruciatingly strenuous comments are constantly wasted.

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19.00 Superstars A good idea wasted by a) only having normal sports like swimming and running, b) the fact it’s BBC sport and so completely over-analysed and boring, and c) the presence of Johnny Vaughan.

Cockney git. What does he know about sport?

20.00 Fightbox 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 3 Non-Blondes 22.00 FILM: Red Sonja **With Bridgette Neilsen and The Governor of California. That still sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?

23.25 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown Note how our Trevor is slowly nosing his way into digital television now he’s being phased out of Radio 1.

Which is negative to the audience, because nobody wants to look at such visual boredom. Go away.

23.55 Monkey Dust 24.25 Diners 24.55 Fightbox Stack 01.55 Little Britain 02.25 3 Non-Blondes 02.55 Monkey Dust 03.25 The Third Degree Has anyone ever watched any of these shows, or even this channel, anyway? “No” - anyone.

06.45 Rugby World Cup 2003 12.15 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.00 CD:UK 15.50 Pop Idol Extra 18.50 Rugby World Cup 2003 South Africa v England, Australia v Romania and France v Japan.

19.50 Pop Idol Extra 21.05 Planet's Funniest Animals You’ve Been Framed for the monumentally cretinous bed-ridden assholes who’ve lost so much in the game of life they can’t even raise one digit to change the channel and cease the side-splitting comedy spread before them. Dog runs round in circles soundtracked by comedy “whirling” sound effect.

Squirrel steals sandwich from tourists picnic table. Yes, I used to be a immobile waster. but only for half an hour one lonely Saturday afternoon.

21.30 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 22.00 FILM: Get Shorty With John Travolta and Gene Hackman **** 24.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 01.00 Pop Idol 02.00 Pop Idol Extra 03.15 Pop Idol Results

14.00 The Salon: Reappointment 15.05 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 18.25 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Top Ten - Heartbreakers With Issac “The only man ever to have his career summed up by the words ‘shaft’ and ‘chef’ ” Hayes introducing tearjerking anthems, which are mostly subjective anyway.

22.35 Joe Millionaire 23.35 Ali G in Da USAiii 24.05 Ali G in Da USAiii 24.35 Kill Bill Special 01.05 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 01.35 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 02.00 Star Trek 02.55 Ali G in Da USAiii 03.20 Ali G in Da USAiii That’s right, four episodes of Ali G. Yeah, how long ago did he stop being funny?

Admittedly because everyone in this country knows who he is, and the yanks don’t it means there’s a slight chance they may fall for BarenCohens feckless alter-ego. Wasn’t he supposed to have been killed long ago? Go away!

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Stargate Infinity 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Malo Korrigan 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 When a teenage boy claiming to be Colonel O'Neill turns up at the SGC the team begin an investigation into what happened and why.

19.00 The Simpsons The completely crap one where Lisa pretends to be “cool” to impress a bunch of losers in some seaside town.

19.30 The Simpsons Homerpalooza: The episode with The Smashing Pumpkins and Sonic Youth looking shifty and stealing Peter Framptons hamper.

20.00 Fear Factor UK 21.00 Scare Tactics 21.30 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.30 A-List Behaving Badly 24.00 Football Years 01.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 02.50 AList Behaving Badly 03.40 South Park 04.05 Cribs

09.55 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10.50 T4: Friends 11.20 T4: The Salon: . 12.25 T4: Smash Hits Chart 17.00 Heroes of Comedy: Leonard Rossiter...Upon whom programs like this are ALWAYS based on.

18.30 Channel 4 News. 19.00 The First World War: Shackled to a Corpse 20.00 Fact or Fiction: Robin Hood: Documentary with Tony Robinson hunting high and low and poking around various corpses and dells looking for evidence to suggest whether Kevin Costner ever existed.

21.05 Who Got Benny's Millions?

22.05 FILM: Risky Business “Typical Tom Cruise film where he goes crazy and has a revelation at the end” I’m reliably informed. 23.55 World Rally: Corsica 24.55 Headliners: Travis.

01.30 FILM: El Condor 03.10 Identity Crisis: 04.05 For Your Love. 04.30 For Your Love 04.55 Norm US sitcom.

When Norm inadvertently causes a prison riot, Denby passes a law requiring social workers to be properly trained in the area of prison work.

Hang on a minute, last week this was a sitcom about a former Ice Hockey player doing community service! Prison riots? Social workers? Too band nobody has a prayer of ever managing to stay up for this. Even insomniacs have better things to do.

Top Ten Heartbreakers E4 21.00

Saturday 18 October

Television

October 18 2003

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Sunday 19 October BBC1

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06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Pope's Silver Jubilee 11.00 Golf World Matchplay 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 FILM: Bigfoot and the Hendersons ** 14.45 EastEnders 16.35 Points of View 16.55 Lifeline 17.05 BBC News 17.30 Songs of Praise 18.05 Rolf on Art 18.35 Antiques Roadshow 19.20 Holiday 10 Best With a report from Graeme “No wonder I’ve been so suspiciously rubbish at football this season” Le Saux 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Silent Witness Sam uncovers a crippling truth about her involvement in a case 13 years previously.

Does this require self-autopsy? Or is this metaphorical crippling? 22.00 BBC News 22.15 Panorama: Blair's University Challenge Your starter for ten: “Why are all your fellow students having to fork out ridiculous amounts of money to learn while you’re spending all your money on causes we’re protesting against and thus wasting half the time our money is being spent on?” Your two bonus questions “Why don’t you keep your hands still for once?” and “Why don’t you wipe that stupid grin off your face?” 23.00 The Richard Dimbleby Lecture 2003 French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin sets out his case for France's alternative beliefs to the UK and US in international relations. That is, being lectured on common sense.

23.45 FILM: The Taking of Pelham One Two Three. **** Another film classic from the archives I’ve never seen and know nothing about.

06.55 CBBC: Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Home and Garden 12.10 Countryfile With Ben “Definition of Bumpkin” Fogle.

13.10 Sunday Grandstand 13.20 Rugby: World Cup News 13.25 Golf - The World Match Play Championship, just incase you didn’t see it yesterday. And turn off vowing never to watch television again.

17.15 Scrum V 18.00 Wild West Country: Red Deer and Barn Owls. Wild West my ass.

18.10 Search for Tigers Surely not the most difficult of animals to find. Expect scenes of excited Westerners and largely unimpressed locals shoved into the back of jeeps.

18.40 Natural World 19.30 The Good Life 20.00 Timewatch: Concorde: A Love Story “It all just took off one evening and I got swept away by it’s throbbing engine and smooth touchdown” - a lover.

20.50 Space “Space Filler” more like 21.00 Sex Empires With Hugh Hefner and a selection of other slimey misogynistic gits. 22.00 Coupling 22.30 Dead Ringers 23.00 Correspondent: Special Forces: This week: telekinesis and teleportation.

23.45 World Superbikes 24.45 Room 101 01.15 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Youth Creativity: Blast 2 I’m quietly amused by the idea that the terms “youth creativity” and “blast” are used in conjunction here. Urgh no wonder we have arguments over who gets the short straw and has to do Sunday, if this is how fun it gets

06.00 GMTV 10.45 Rugby World Cup 2003: Ireland v Namibia 13.10 Waterfront 13.40 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.35 HTV News and Weather 14.40 Rugby World Cup 2003 15.40 FILM: My Favorite Martian ** 17.15 HTV News and Weather 17.30 Soccer Sunday 18.00 ITV News 18.20 I'm the Answer Worst game show ever, in which there is no competitive element whatsoever because the four finalists are decided before the contestants even arrive!

18.50 Emmerdale 19.20 Creature Comforts 19.30 Coronation Street The return of Pete “Bigamy before breakfast” Barlow! Why two women both fell for this completely hapless moron is beyond me, but then again, this is Coronation Street, and when did people ever find lovers who didn’t live two doors away or were related to their own partners?

20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 Henry VIII There is no way in HELL anyone is going to take this seriously, with Ray “I’m a typecast tough guy and therefore should not be allowed anywhere near period drama” Winstone 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.05 The South Bank Show With Germaine Greer guffing on about how the primary subject of visual pleasure in art is the body of the young male, as opposed to the naked female form. Yeah, because people in the 21st century use art for their visual pleasure.

24.10 It's My Life 01.00 Trisha 01.55 FILM: Man of La Mancha *

Sex Empires BBC2 21.00pm

S4C

five

06.40 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 07.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 08.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Wales v Canada. Which was over a week ago. Nice one. 11.00 Hollyoaks 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 G Girls This week’s “Say what?” program. What does the G stand for? What are the girls doing? Why are they on TV without a good description? Aaargh! 13.30 Fashion House 13.55 Stargate SG-1 14.40 Enterprise 15.25 Conversations with Rowan Williams 15.55 Maniffesto 16.25 Xtra Omnibws 17.25 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws A round-up of last weeks events in Cwmderi, possibly involving Mad Brendan and Ugly Cai living up to their recently penned aliases, in preperation for this weeks episodes, obviously going to amount to more of the same.

19.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd Highlights of Wales v Tonga, Ireland v Namibia and Georgia v Samoa.

20.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 21.00 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors 22.00 Newyddion 22.15 Hitler: The Rise of Evil 24.05 Fashion Rocks for the Prince's Trust Load of overhyped baloney with “Cool” musicians and fashion designers such as Stella McArtney and Kelis. Avoid.

02.05 World Rally 02.35 FILM: Kalifornia With Brad “Am I incapable of making a bad movie?” Pitt

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.20 Milkshake!

07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Morris 2274 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Stepping Up 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.10 Divine Designs 13.40 FILM: The Greatest Show on Earth *** 16.30 At Home with the Eubanks 17.00 Britain's Worst Driver 17.35 five news and sport The latest national and international news.

17.50 FILM: Toys ** 20.00 The Greatest Magic Tricks in the Universe... Ever See Pick of the Week 21.00 FILM: Gladiator See film pick. 23.55 Gladiator: Benn v Eubank One of the greatest grudge matches in modern boxing is reignited as Nigel Benn and Chris Eubank travel to Rome to train as gladiators. Channel 5 utterly score on all counts this week, with a Gladiator double header. Firstly some film or other, and then this, which upon revelation it was being repeated, literally inspired whooping and cheering amongst office regulars. Not strictly the best judges of anything given the amount of inane bickering spread across the room like bile infected margering, but just look how good it sounds.

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19.00 Colosseum: Rome's Arena of Death 20.00 Liquid Assets: Posh and Becks' Millions 21.00 What Not to Wear Series in which fashion journalists Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine set out to prove that all women can look stylish. Except themselves.

21.30 Little Britain 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Burn It 23.00 Absolutely Fabulous 23.30 Liquid Assets: Posh and Becks' Millions 24.30 Love for Sale 01.00 Celebdaq 01.30 Vinnie 02.00 Art in the City 02.30 Liquid Assets: Posh and Becks' Millions Just incase you didn’t see it the other two times it’s on today. 03.25 Love for Sale Would it be too cynical to suggest it is more than coincidence that this is following a documentary about P and B’s filthy riches?

07.40 The Premiership 08.40 Rugby World Cup 2003: Wales v Tonga 11.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 12.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

13.00 Rugby World Cup 2003: Georgia v Samoa 15.10 LXG: Behind the Fantasy And what, pray, is LXG? and why does it inspire fantasies? 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Coronation Street Secrets 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 Highlights of Wales v Tonga, Ireland v Namibia, and Georgia v Samoa.

20.00 Pop Idol 21.00 Pop Idol Extra 22.15 Pop Idol Results 23.10 Coronation Street 23.40 Cold Feet 24.40 The Frank Skinner Show 01.30 Beggars and Choosers 02.30 Teleshopping 03.30 Ant and Dec's Banged Up with Beadle Urgh.

10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.00 The West Wing 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Six Feet Under 23.05 Joe Millionaire 24.05 The Pilot Show 24.30 The Best of Borat 01.05 The West Wing 01.55 Dawson's Creek 02.40 Joe Millionaire 03.25 The Pilot Show Aaargh look at the size of the space left to fill because I’ll be fudged if I’m going to write about any of these generally over-talked about TV shows.

Actually, everyone loves Six Feet Under, and so here’s this weeks official blurb: “Nate and Federico find themselves personally affected by a suicide victim. Keith expresses the desire to invite other men into his and David's bed”.

Aaaargh again, still loads of space left, I don’t have a clue who any of the above characters are but Keith sounds like a salacious ho, and suicide victims shouldn’t be referred to as victims because they’re the killers! Incidentally...”The Best of Borat” - What best?

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Stargate Infinity 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Malo Korrigan 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 King of the Hill 12.30 Malcolm in the Middle 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Little Monsters 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 David Blaine: Above the Below 22.00 The Big Sex Fantasy Oooh who’s the winner? I know one thing, it won’t be...

23.00 The Villa Or...

24.00 Six Degrees of Penetration 24.30 Uncut!

Kirsty's Home Videos 01.00 Naked in Blackpool Maybe this though...actually no.

06.40 The Hoobs 07.05 Insektors 07.20 Bug Alert!

This week: Herpes 07.45 The Kids from Room 402 . 08.10 Totally Spies! 08.35 SpiderMan 09.00 T4 09.25 T4: Popworld . 10.20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.25 T4: G Girls With Girls Aloud.

So maybe the G stands for Genius? Gash? Green?

Gluttonous? Great big lunatic racist girls? 13.00 T4: Fashion House 13.40 T4: Friends 14.10 T4: Friends 14.45 T4: Will and Grace 15.15 Scrubs 15.45 T4: Andromeda 16.40 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.40 Enterprise 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Iraq: Journey into Madness 21.00 Solomon: The Escape Artist The new David Blaine, apparently. So “The new money pilfering twat with faux-mysticism”, then 22.00 Fashion Rocks for the Prince's Trust 24.10 Kill Bill 24.40 World Rally: Corsica . 01.10 FILM: Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown With TV Holly and Tristan in drag.

Beggars and Choosers ITV2 1.30am

Sunday 19 October

Television

Page 20

October 18 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Monday 20 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Day Team at Chatsworth 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Eureka TV 16.40 Jackie Chan Adventures 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Steph begs Karl to send her to get her lump tested. Summer snubs Steph by asking Max to attend a lecture at school.

Sky starts working at the Coffee Shop with Harold.

Selling space cakes, perhaps.

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Holiday 2003 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders Little Mo has her doubts when everyone congratulates Kat on her news. Jim installs a double bed, but Dot is not happy. Far too much information. Repeat after me: septaugenariens do not have sex. And that includes you, Liza Minnelli.

20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Pompeii: The Last Day 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Behind the Laughter 23.35 FILM: Carry On at Your Convenience ***”Oooh, shop assistant.” Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?

01.10 Sign Zone: The Blue Planet 02.10 Sign Zone: A Life of Grime 02.40 Sign Zone: Auction Man 03.10 Sign Zone: Garden SOS 03.40 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Spot's Musical Adventures 06.10 Brum 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Rotten Ralph 07.30 I Love Mummy 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Serious Jungle 08.30 CBeebies: Bring It On 08.55 Fairly Odd Parents 09.20 Really Wild Show 09.45 Arthur 10.00 CBeebies: The Story Makers 10.20 Tweenies 10.40 Wide Eye 10.50 William's Wish Wellingtons 11.00 FILM: Anne of Green Gables **** 12.20 Trade Secrets 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 FILM: Little Women *** 15.00 Country House 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Would Like to Meet Lucy Hart, a 28-year-old tomboy, talks non-stop. So, women should be meek and feminine, should they? Rah, feminist rant.

19.00 TOTP 2 David Bowie introduces some of his own greatest hits. “Dance Magic, Dance” from Labyrinth, I would hope.

19.30 Landscape Mysteries: Britain 20.00 Mastermind 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 21.30 The Kumars at No 42 22.00 Early Doors 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Mercedes Goes to Motown 00.20 The Witness 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Trouble with Love 01.00 Ever Wondered?

01.30 Reinventing the Wheel 02.00 Secondary Schools Science: Short Circuit 04.00 Languages: Deutsch Plus 5-8 05.00 Switched on: Which Computer?

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.10 Rugby World Cup 2003: Scotland v USA 12.40 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.10 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Hilltop Hospital 15.30 The Flintstones 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I'm the Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather.

18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

19.00 Emmerdale Len acts as referee between Edna, Betty and Pearl. Lucky Len. 19.30 Coronation Street Angela goes behind Tommy's back and visits Katy.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald “Tonight, I investigate why bakers put jam in doughnuts.”

20.30 Coronation Street As Peter prepares to go to prison, Shelley agonises over what she has done to him.

Spanking people in uniform always alters their perceptions of reality, I find. Les gets lucky on a date with sexy barmaid Lulu. Easy whore.

21.00 Family Drama 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.20 Rugby World Cup 2003 00.25 The Premiership on Monday 01.20 Champions League Weekly 01.45 Football League Extra 02.25 Today with Des and Mel 03.15 Now and Again 04.00 Entertainment Now! 04.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 3

ITV 2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Jamiroquai Re:covered Jamiroquai perform Love Philosophy and Roxy Music's Love Is the Drug.

19.30 Fightbox 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear Boxing boots with mini skirts.

You know who you are.

21.00 Burn It Emma is upset she's not pregnant but Carl is angry - he didn't know they were trying. What a cheeky wench.

21.30 Terri McIntyre 22.00 EastEnders as above.

22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Grass 23.30 They Think It's All Over 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Fightbox 01.00 Stupid Punts 01.30 Swiss Toni 02.00 CCTV 02.30 The Third Degree

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Confessions 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals no. 67: dancing gnat 20.30 Champions League 21.00 Real Crime: Lady Jane 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.45 David Letterman 01.35 Felicity 02.25 Teleshopping 03.25 Trisha 04.25 Trisha Extra 04.55 Judge Judy 05.10 David Letterman

The Money Pit SKY 1 9.00pm

David Blaine: Above the Below CH 4 9.00pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bibi 13.15 Tony Robinson's Romans 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.25 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Yr Ocsiwniar 20.30 Ffermio 21.00 Pobol y Cwm Business is booming at the Deri Arms.

Why do the police want to question Sab? Is it really he who has been causing the case of anal warts in the flock?

21.30 Sgorio 22.35 Teachers When Brian is asked out, he realises that he has no idea about how to talk to or interact with women socially. Never mind, I’d do him.

23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 David Blaine: Above the Below Let me help you, David. Above=inferiority complex. Below=small dick. Sort it out, you fanny.

01.15 Will and Grace 01.40 Speed Machines 02.40 Carling Homecomings: Beautiful South 04.00 4Learning

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 George Shrinks 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Kojak: The Price of Justice** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Alf faces a life or death decision.

Don puts his career on the line, by moonlighting as a dominatrix.

18.30 Family Affairs The Costellos are fraught as Chloe worsens. Yasmin's business plans are turned down. Obviously Simon Le Bon’s cast-offs do not make good business women. Cat is not impressed with her new admirer. He is a dog.

19.00 five news 19.35 The World's Most Dangerous Animals 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 FILM: Star Trek: Insurrection *** 23.00 Who Wants to Be a Centrefold 2? I still do, you eejits. Hugh, pick me!

00.05 Real Sex 00.50 Seniors Golf 01.30 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 02.05 NFL Update and Live: Oakland Raiders v Kansas City Chiefs 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years A mysterious poet leaves love notes for Lana at her parents' grave.

Necrophiliacs again? Boring!

20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Sex and the City 22.30 My Little Friends Four child actors use the naivety and preconceptions of adults to persuade them to take part in incredible and outrageous stunts. Today, little Molly convinces Mr Hall to play anal paper-scissors-stone with a heron.

23.00 Porn: A Family Business 23.40 V Graham Norton 00.20 Hollyoaks 00.50 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.40 Dawson's Creek 02.30 Sex and the City 03.00 My Little Friends 03.20 Porn: A Family Business

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 12.00 The X Files 13.00 TV Years - 1983 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 FILM: The Money Pit *** Tom Hanks and racoons in lifts make this essential eighties nostalgia. Woe is me for not having Sky! 22.40 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 23.40 South Park 00.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.10 The X Files 02.00 Philly 02.50 TV Years - 1983 03.40 Futurama: Welcome to World of Tomorrow 03.55 Hotter Sex 04.45 Family Guy 05.10 Guilty!

06.00 The Magic Roundabout 09.30 4Learning 9.30 The Business. 9.55 Holiday Maker. 10.20 Real Science. 10.45 Animated Tales of the World. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Contes et Legendes. 11.40 Stage and Screen. 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: The Stranger *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Bedroom Britain 20.00 Speed Machines: Breaking the Sound Barrier 21.00 David Blaine: Above the Below David Blaine emerges from his most intense ‘physical challenge’ yet. Hopefully the smell of fresh air and his egged box will kill the human arsewipe.

22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Magick 23.15 FILM: Stephen King's Thinner ** 00.55 FILM: Farewell, My Lovely *** 02.40 Don't Walk 02.55 Tales from the Grave 03.20 In Your Face 03.30 Conversations

Monday 20 October

Television

October 18 2003

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grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Tuesday 21 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Day Team at Chatsworth 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Watch My Chops 16.35 The Queen's Nose 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Angie tries to make Toadie accept the reality of Dee's death by performing a graphic sexual act with her corpse. Is Lou living at the pub? Most probably he stinks of cheap gin and bacon frazzles.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Alfie is disturbed when he realises just who Andy really is. Bollocks, my true identity as Lord Lucan is finally revealed.

20.00 Holby City 21.00 The Secret Policeman 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 They Think It's All Over 23.35 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross George Clooney discusses Intolerable Cruelty. I’ve already seen it and it’s probably the funniest film you’ll see all year. See Film in Quench for more details. “I’m gonna NAIL yo’ ass!”

00.10 FILM: Billion Dollar Brain ** 01.55 Sign Zone: The Human Mind 02.55 Sign Zone: This Land 03.25 Sign Zone: See Hear 04.25 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Spot's Musical Adventures 06.10 Brum 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Snailsbury Tales 07.30 Chuck Finn 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: Bring It On 08.55 Fairly Odd Parents 09.20 Really Wild Show 09.45 Arthur 10.00 CBBC 11.00 Stingray 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 homeground 13.30 Country House 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Delia's How to Cook 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Would Like to Meet Krishna Mukhoty is 37, lives like a hermit and is scared of strangers. Sounds like the perfect catch. Fight your way to the front ladies.

19.00 Gardeners' World 19.30 This Land: Snowdonia 20.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 20.30 Hidden Treasure 21.00 Mind of a Millionaire 21.50 Space 22.00 Can't Take It with You Conrad Hilton was the founder of the famous hotel chain, and great-grandfather of It Girls Paris and Nicky, who share two brain cells between them. Then again I probably wouldn’t say no...

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Big Dreams 00.10 What the Romans Did for Us 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered about Food? 01.00 Romans in Britain 01.30 Background Brief - How Bad Is Fat? 01.45 Personal Passions: Thelma Barlow 02.00 Secondary Schools Science: Short Circuit Biology 04.00 Languages: Deutsch Plus 9 - 12 05.00 Switched on: Getting Started

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 What about Mimi?

16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 Pirate Islands 17.00 I'm the Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Terry's delight at becoming a dad turns to horror when he collapses while wetting the baby's head. Disturbing paedo-golden shower scenes.

19.30 Champions League Live: Dynamo Kiev v Arsenal.

The Gooners to get the stuffing they deserve from the Ukrainian poultry-men.

21.45 Men in Tights 22.45 ITV News at Ten 23.15 Rugby World Cup 2003 Jim Rosenthal presents highlights of today's game between Italy and Canada from Canberra.

23.45 Champions League Angus Scott present highlights from tonight's Champions League matches, including Dynamo Kiev v Arsenal and Anderlecht v Celtic.

00.45 Nash Bridges 01.35 Champions League 03.15 Football League Extra 03.50 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News I think it’s about time I started gloating over the fact I’ve just got myself an ipod. Three months of hard work over the summer leads to one mother of a gadget and financial crisis.

Swings and roundabouts, swings and roundabouts...

Can’t Take It With You BBC2 10pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 10.25 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Italy v Canada 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Pei Pwmpen 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Dic a Dei a Delyth 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Tales from River Cottage 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Wali Wags 16.10 Planed Plant: Popty Bach 16.25 Planed Plant: Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Bywyd Ben I Waered 21.00 Welsh in a Week 21.30 Wife Swap Civil servants the Sullivans swap with the free-spirited Millman family. 22.30 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors 23.35 V Graham Norton Graham Norton unleashes his distinctive brand of entertainment in five nightly doses. Apparently titface has got his own show in the US. I hope he emigrates and never darkens our screens again.

00.15 Cutting Edge 01.15 Pornography: The Musical 02.20 ALT-TV: Clowns in the Hood 02.55 Ysgolion/Schools Anyone else slightly disturbed by the close proximity of this and that porn documentary?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 George Shrinks 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Danielle Steel's Vanished ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Lights, Camera, Accident Featuring a man literally getting the bumps on his birthday. Oh, the hilarity.

20.00 At Home with the Eubanks The theme of visiting sporting heroes continues as this week, Linford Christie partakes of tea chez Eubank.

I wonder if they’ll be serving trouser snake?

20.30 Britain's Worst Driver 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation A severed head and a headless corpse give the team something to work on. Time to fetch the sewing kit methinks.

22.50 Family Killers A disturbed 15-year-old boy who claimed his computer game told him to kill his parents.

That Tetris is a violent, violent game. Ban this sick filth.

23.40 The Others 00.25 Major League Baseball: World Series Game Three 04.30 NFL Extra

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Gabrielle Re:covered 19.30 Fightbox 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 3 Non-Blondes 22.00 EastEnders Alfie is disturbed when he realises just who Andy really is. “You can’t touch me - I’M A FUCKING POWERLORD.” Isn’t Magick awesome?

22.30 Burn It Devastated that Andy is dating Jane, Paul resumes heavy drug use and gets himself the sack.

Emma is upset she's not pregnant but Carl is angry - he didn't know they were trying. Actually I’ve never seen her before in my life mate you’re welcome to her.

23.00 Anna in Wonderland: Drag Kings Alex and Dame Edna become the rulers of Monaco and Lithuania respectively. 23.30 Vinnie 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Fightbox 01.00 Stupid Punts 01.30 Swiss Toni 02.00 CCTV 02.30 Get Staffed 03.00 Liquid News 03.30 Fightbox

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Movies Now 10.10 Rugby World Cup 2003: Italy v Canada 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Ask a Silly Question 18.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 18.30 Champions League Live Anderlecht v Celtic 22.00 FILM: The Quest With JeanClaude Van Damme and Roger Moore. Tale set in the 1920s about a New York pickpocket on the run from the police who finds action and adventure around the globe.

His flight from the law involves him in various daring escapades and tricky situations, including capture

by South Sea pirates. He finally ends up in Tibet, where he enters a prestigious martial arts competition. Directed by Jean-Claude Van Damme. ** Need we say any more.

23.50 Jerry Springer 00.35 Late Show with David Letterman 01.25 Felicity 02.15 Teleshopping 03.15 Trisha

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing The White House and the Pentagon disagree over language in the inaugural address. Bartlet agonises over genocide in an African nation. Do they want to get any more realistic?

22.00 Father Ted Bishop Brennan asks Father Ted to stop a blasphemous film being shown on the island. Superb.

22.30 Father Ted There is bitter rivalry surrounding the ‘All-Priests Stars-in-Their-Eyes Lookalike Competition'. Even better. Decent E4 telly for once...

23.00 Kill Bill Special Bored 23.35 V Graham Norton so 00.10 Hollyoaks desperately 24.40 Kingpin trying 01.35 Smallville to 02.25 The West Wing fill 03.05 Celebrity Five Go Dating space and failing miserably. Well that rape scandal seems to have disappeared now the England team were involved in a mass brawl. How convenient... and Alpay’s a twat isn’t he?

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 12.00 The X-Files 13.00 TV Years 1985 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons Bart and Milhouse audition for a part in a movie being filmed in Springfield. “Arrrrgh Zeez goggles - they do nothink” 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Posh and Becks Years: 1999-2001 21.30 The Simpsons Homer is promoted to executive vice president at the power plant after a prescription of medical marijuana causes him to laugh at all of Burns' jokes. Perfect for a quiet evening in with a bottle of wine and a fatty boombatti. 22.00 FILM: Kiss of Death *** 23.55 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.55 The X-Files 01.55 Philly 02.40 TV Years - 1985 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Dead Like Me 04.45 Family Guy 05.10 Guilty! Gary Jules’ awesome cover of Mad World reduces the office to a stunned silence and rightly so.

As S4C except: 06.00 The Magic Roundabout 09.30 4Learning 9.30 War Game. 10.00 A-Z Drugs. 10.25 Death and Bereavement. 10.50 Number Crew 2. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Citizen Power. 11.50 National Gallery.

11.55 Tate Modern. 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Supporting Acts 12.45 FILM: A Child Is Waiting Disturbing tale set in a home for mentally disabled children. The dynamic head of the institution tries to encourage his staff to feel empathy for the patients.

However, he comes to realise the importance of maintaining balance and objectivity when one of his most enthusiastic teachers develops an intense relationship with a withdrawn 12-yearold boy. *** Inappropriate behavior scenes ahoy. You couldn’t make this up! 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Bedroom Britain 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Pornography: The Musical 23.45 Brookside 01.15 The Secret Life of Us 02.05 Enterprise 02.50 Stargate SG-1 03.35 Abductees 03.50 Journey through the Night 04.00 Ysgolion/Schools 4.00 Gift of the Gab. 5.40 History in Action.

Family Killers five 10.50pm

Tuesday 21 October

Television

Page 22

October 18 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Wednesday 22 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Day Team at Chatsworth 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Get Your Own Back 16.35 The Wild Thornberrys 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Max worries about Sky's influence over Boyd. And so he should, she’s too good for that bleached up little twat 18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Animal Hospital 19.30 Kenyon Confronts 20.00 Auction Man Bargain Hunt spin-off about Michael Hogben’s auction business. I think I smell a rat. 20.30 Airport 21.00 Crimewatch UK 21.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 ONE Life: Diary of a Delinquent 23.15 Crimewatch UK Update 23.25 FILM: Mr Nice Guy *** With Jackie Chan as a kung-fu fighting cook stepping in to save an investigative journalist on the run from a gang of murderous drug dealers, resulting in a potentially fatal mix-up involving her incriminating tape of the gangsters and a children's video. Naturally.

24.55 Sign Zone: ONE Life 01.35 Sign Zone: Wild Down Under 02.25 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt 02.55 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms

06.00 CBeebies: Spot's Musical Adventures 06.10 Brum 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Anthony Ant 07.30 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Yo! Diary 08.30 So Little Time 08.55 Fairly Odd Parents 09.20 Really Wild Show 09.45 Arthur 10.00 CBeebies: The Story Makers 10.20 Tweenies 10.40 The Koala Brothers 10.50 William's Wish Wellingtons 11.00 What the Victorians Did For Us 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Lifeline 13.10 Looking Good Tricks 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: Watership Down **** 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Would Like to Meet 19.00 TOTP 2 With The Jam, Vic Reeves, Tom Jones, Chris Rea and others. Plus new music from Gilbert O'Sullivan.

19.30 The Great British Jobs Takeaway Fnarr! 20.00 The Life Laundry 20.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes: Another Helping 21.00 Indian Dream With Chris “I’m a twat, get me out of the jungle, she won’t shag me anyway” Bisson 22.00 The Office 22.30 Newsnight With Gavin Esler.

23.20 Big Dreams 24.10 What the Romans Did for Us 24.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Renaissance Secrets 01.00 The Dangers of Powerful Neighbours 01.30 Music and Place: In Tune with America 02.00 Secondary Schools Science: Short Circuit: Chemistry, Biology and Physics 04.00 Languages: Deutsch Plus 13-16 05.00 Switched on: Research and History

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Meg and Mog 15.35 The Flintstones 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I'm the Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News and Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Bill Des decides that death is the only option left - and he takes Reg with him. This doesn’t sound like The Bill! Chances are the planned event will occur in that area of the Jasmine Allen estate where hundreds of petty criminals tend to snuff it.

21.00 FILM: X-Men **** With Hugh “I am a wolf even without make-up” Jackman 23.00 ITV News at Ten 23.30 Rugby World Cup 2003 Highlights of Argentina vs Romania.

24.30 Redcoats Impossible low budget piss-poor attempt to revive the flagging fly on the wall genre with a wide and unvaried collection of nonentities scaling the dizzy heights of Butlins. Go away.

24.55 CD:UK Hotshots 01.20 Today with Des and Mel 02.10 World Sport 02.40 World Football 03.05 FILM: Naked Fury ** Friday night Premiership football drama. Although not quite, because there’s only two stars here. 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Watership Down BBC2 14.00pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Slot Syniadau Sali 13.05 Planed Plant Bach: Miffi 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 French Leave 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.15 Planed Plant: Mali O 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Taro Naw 21.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 22.00 Property Ladder 23.05 Other People's Houses I personally hate C4’s current obsession with housing and property programs. Living in such a dive and watching this makes me feel like a tramp does staring into the window of McDonalds 24.05 V Graham Norton 24.45 Brookside See Pick of the Week. 02.15 The Secret Life of Us 03.05 The Secret Life of Us 03.55 FILM: Even Cowgirls Get the Blues * Ridiculous sounding film with Uma Thurman as a hitchiker with big thumbs who meets a fashion expert and ends up on a cowgirl ranch. Sounds far too good to have only got one star from the mysterious God of Star Ratings but what do I know? I still haven’t seen Star Wars.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 George Shrinks 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Hart to Hart: Two Harts in 3/4 Time ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Lucy and Cameron talk about leaving for good. Aaargh! They can’t let Lucy leave, I only started going on about how great she is last week!

19.00 five news 19.30 Heroes of World War II: The Man Who Hoodwinked Hitler 20.00 Alexander the Great's Mysterious Death: 21.00 The Ads that Changed the World 22.00 FILM: The Accused *** 24.15 Murder Detectives Thanks again Channel 5 for this convenient space. Music adoration this week goes to: From Autumn to Ashes, Explosions in the Sky, Arab Stap, the last two tracks on the Electric Six album, the uniquely stomach-churning Russel Haswell, The Black Heart Procession, Taking Back Sunday, Mogwai, the late and great Johnny Cash, and er... the new Blink 182 single.

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Garbage Re:covered TV programs that write their own comment.

19.30 Fightbox .

20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear What not to watch more like.

21.00 FILM: Murder at 1600 With Wesley “I can’t be that hard in real life because I’m called Wesley” Snipes 22.40 Little Britain 23.10 3 Non-Blondes 23.40 Sex Warts and All USA The documentary series explores whether celibacy is a viable option for the young of America. It bloody well should be, because a> It would mean less Americans, and b> sex is boring anyway 24.10 Liquid News 24.40 Fightbox 01.10 Little Britain 01.40 3 Non-Blondes 02.10 CCTV 02.40 Get Staffed 03.10 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Movies Now 11.10 Rugby World Cup 2003: Argentina v Romania 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Chart Choice This week's top music videos.

18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.00 Hotels from Hell 21.00 Coronation Street 22.00 Airline A couple end up spending the night at Luton Airport after missing their flight to Nice to attend a funeral. Whoops.

22.30 Coronation Street I23.00 Who Killed Suzy Lamplugh? “I” said the sparrow. “With my bow and arrow” 24.00 Jerry Springer 24.50 Late Show with David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends Ross agrees to play a game of rugby to impress Emily. Yeah, like Rugby impresses anyone.

21.00 Perfect Match USA 22.00 Faking It USA. A captain of a US beer-drinking team has to bluff his way through his new role as a wine waiter in a swanky San Francisco restaurant. I wonder what responsibilities of being the captain of a beer-drinking team entail 23.00 My Little Friends .

23.30 V Graham Norton 24.10 Peep Show 24.40 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.30 Perfect Match USA 02.25 My Little Friends 02.45 Peep Show This could be your last chance to catch what’s hopefully the first series of this incredibly funny sitcom 03.15 Celebrity Five Go Dating

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 12.00 The X Files 13.00 TV Years - 1986 14.00 Heartthrobs of the 70s With Noddy Holder from Slade and Donny Osmond.

15.00 Beverly Hill, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 For Love or Money 21.00 Pop Idols Behaving Badly With Lee from Blue, So Solid Crew, Courtney Love and Justin Timberlake.

22.00 David Blaine: Above the Below 23.00 The Villa This week: David O’ Leary goes slowly insane. “What do you mean, ‘goes’?” - Leed Utd fans.

24.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Philly 02.40 TV Years - 1986 03.30 Shipmates Flange.

06.00 The Magic Roundabout 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Rat-a-Tat-Tat. 9.50 Maths Mansion 2. 10.10 Extra 2. 11.00 The Hoobs Stories. 11.25 Teaching Citizens. 11.50 Self Portrait UK. 11.55 Making It. 12.30 Cheers . 13.00 FILM: Dallas *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Friends 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Bedroom Britain A series of short films launching Channel 4's UKwide campaign to uncover the most innovative creative business ideas from teenagers across the nation.

Prostitution, obviously. 20.00 Grand Designs Revisited .

21.00 Teachers 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Sex Rules: Third Party Gratuitous crap about threesomes 23.15 Mark Thomas: Debt Collector 23.45 Outside: ALT-TV: Clowns in the Hood 24.20 Outside: The Phantom Museum 24.35 Outside: Safety Tips for Kids 24.40 Outside: Sucked Up

Pop Stars Behaving Badly five 10.00pm

Wednesday 22 October

Television

October 18 2003

Page 23

HappyBirthdaytoME!@cf.ac.uk

Thursday 23 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Day Team at Chatsworth 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Reggie Meets... David Beckham 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Max's sister Izzy pays a visit. Is she on loan from Hollyoaks?

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 EastEnders Paul has a plan to reduce Barry's sex drive. Stapling his cock to the floor should work. Failing that stick him in the same room as our deputy editor and his sex drive would vanish faster than jaffa cakes at Vanessa Feltz’s house.

20.00 Superstars With Chris Boardman, Peter Scudamore, and Tony and Rory Underwood.

21.00 Hunting Chris Ryan SAS hero Chris Ryan is pushed to the limits in a programme filmed in the jungles of Honduras, as he tries to escape from a team of soldiers. Awesome manhunt scenes.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time 23.35 Dragon's Eye 24.05 This Week 24.55 FILM: Solitaire for 2 *** 02.40 Sign Zone: Panorama 02.50 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 03.35 Sign Zone: Watchdog 04.05 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Spot's Musical Adventures 06.10 Brum 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Fix and Foxi 07.30 Super Rupert 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 So Little Time 08.55 Fairly Odd Parents 09.20 Really Wild Show 09.45 Arthur 10.00 CBeebies: The Story Makers 10.20 Tweenies 10.40 Sergeant Stripes 10.50 William's Wish Wellingtons 11.00 Stingray 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.05 FILM: A Tale of Two Cities **** 15.00 Country House 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Would Like to Meet 19.00 TOTP 2 With Smokey Robinson, Chris Rea, The Bangles and new music from the late Joe Strummer. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

19.30 Iolo's Special Reserves 20.00 Time Commanders 21.00 Does Prayer Work?

Yes, No or maybe...

22.00 QI Panellists are Alan Davies, Jo Brand, Jackie Clune and Jimmy Carr.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Bollywood Dancing 24.10 What the Romans Did for Us 24.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Science Shack 01.00 The Next Big Thing 01.30 After the Genome 02.20 What Have the 90s Ever Done for Us? 02.30 Open Advice 03.00 The Challenge 03.30 Youth Creativity: Blast TV 1 04.00 Languages: Deutsch Plus 1720 05.00 Switched on: Be Creative Well today [23rd] is my birthday - but I’ll be stuck up in the office writing next weeks listings so it’ll be a fun filled night of debauchery for me then...

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 SpongeBob SquarePants 16.00 Beat the CyBorgs 16.30 Star 17.00 I'm the Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Elaine gets behind the wheel for the first time since the crash. Next thing she knows her 18 wheeler is heading straight for a playground full of small children.

19.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks Trevor Fishlock begins his walk in the Dulais Valley and in Seven Sisters meets a man who saw Harry George break a world skipping record in 1921. OH MY FLUFFING GOD! PUT ON SOME DECENT TV FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Nurse, fetch me my pills.

20.00 The Bill As Polly's trial begins, things look bleak for Gary's dad when his jacket is found covered in blood. Serve him right for letting his mother use it as a sanitary towel...

21.00 Sweet Medicine 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 Follow the Fans 23.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 24.00 Love Match 24.30 REM in Profile 24.55 Turn On Terry 01.20 The District 02.05 CD:UK 02.50 The Machine 03.15 Cybernet 03.40 Motorsport UK 04.10 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News For those who care it’s the big 22 for me this year. Presents should be delivered to the office addressed to Andy.

BBC3

ITV2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Ronan Keating Re:covered 19.30 Fightbox 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 The Third Degree 21.30 Art in the City James Gooding explores the world of contemporary art. This edition takes him to Berlin, a city which boasts the biggest new art scene in Europe.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Louise finally agrees to sex with David and finds him to be insatiable. Like most of us blokes then. 23.00 New Tycoons 23.30 3 NonBlondes 24.00 Liquid News 24.30 Fightbox 01.00 The Third Degree 01.30 Stripping Pop: Badly Drawn Boy 01.55 CCTV 02.25 Get Staffed 02.55 Liquid News 03.25 Fightbox

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Movies Now 10.40 Rugby World Cup 2003: Fiji v Japan 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Dancing in the Street Members of the public give their unique interpretations of popular music tracks. What a shit concept. Why does this joke of a channel still exist?

18.00 Coronation Street Les gets lucky on a first date with sexy barmaid Lulu.

SLAAAAAG! 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.00 Jobs from Hell 21.00 FILM: The Nutty Professor *** 22.50 The Frank Skinner Show 23.40 Jerry Springer 24.25 Late Show with David Letterman 01.15 Felicity 02.05 Teleshopping 03.05 Trisha

Friends S4C 6.30pm

Hunting Chris Ryan BBC 1 9.00 pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Lisabeth 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Supercities UK 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 16.15 Planed Plant: Y Consuriwr 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends Monica and Rachel meet a monster.

Features a guest appearance from Godzilla and Rodan.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Babs gets the blame for the alcohol in the disco. Well, she does technically run the Queen Vic so she should have no trouble getting hold of it. More inter-soap scenes ahoy.

20.25 Hwyl y Noson Lawen 21.00 Pen Tennyn 21.30 Llafur Gwlad: Argraffu 22.30 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 23.30 V Graham Norton 24.10 Scrubs 24.40 Monkey 01.30 Freesports on 4: Sprite Urban Games 01.55 Bollywood Celebrities: FILM: Aks *** Once again our deputy editors presence is missing from the office. Turns out he’s got a “hot date”. I reckon either he’s off home for a pot noodle and a wank or he’s found his puncture repair kit...

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 George Shrinks 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Gunsmoke - Return to Dodge *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Great Artists 2 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 House Doctor A focus on a basement flat in Stoke Newington and a tiny cottage in Quorn. I doubt it’s made from meatloaf then.

21.00 FILM: An American Werewolf in London Directed

by John Landis. *** Classic horror film with a dark streak of comedy. “Excellent transformation and dead friend in cinema scenes” announces an excited Film Desk hanging around in the hope of pizza and sexual favours.

22.55 The Moors Murders: Web of Evil Cue some terrible comment from Alex about his love of Myra, more wrong than a bag full of rabid badgers.

23.30 Arrest and Trial: Barbecue and Bloody Marys 23.55 Hotel Sex 24.45 Major League Baseball - World Series Game 5 04.30 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v Heerenveen

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends In an attempt to get to know her sexy client better, Rachel inadvertently thwarts Ross's plans for a romantic evening with his girlfriend. Not as if he’ll get laid.

21.00 Joe Millionaire 22.00 Six Feet Under Claire's fears about Russell and Oliver are finally confirmed. Ruth realises that she and Arthur are not meant for each other.

23.05 Queer as Folk Nathan's behaviour makes Hazel furious and Janice desperate. When Stuart lets his sister down, she retaliates with some unwelcome news.

23.45 V Graham Norton 24.25 Hollyoaks 24.55 Smallville 01.45 Six Feet Under 02.40 The Michael Essany Show 03.05 Celebrity Five Go Dating

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hill, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 12.00 The X Files 13.00 TV Years - 1989 14.00 Heartthrobs of the 80s 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation Counsellor Troi's mother beams herself aboard the Enterprise and sets her sights firmly on Captain Picard. Ugh! Granny sex scenes imminent. 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons Moe turns the bar into a hang-out for Springfield's beautiful people, forcing Homer to open a bar of his own in his garage. With REM. 20.00 Little Monsters 21.00 Fear Factor UK 22.00 Scare Tactics 22.30 Football Years A look back at the 1991 to 1992 season23.30 The Big Sex Fantasy 24.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.25 The X Files

As S4C except: 06.00 The Magic Roundabout 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 12.30 Water Stories 12.40 Cheers 13.10 FILM: Forbidden Cargo ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Bedroom Britain 20.00 Tales from River Cottage Today, Hugh recalls the highs and lows of owning poultry. 20.30 French Leave 21.00 Cutting Edge: Crooked Tarts and Coronets The amazing story of two former brothel madams who ripped of hundreds of toffs. 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Lock Up Your Sons 23.50 Wife Swap 24.50 Goldfrapp: Twisted Summer 01.25 Freesports on 4: Ripcurl Boardmaster 2003 02.00 KOTV 02.30 The Porsche Carrera Cup 02.55 Brazilian Championship Football 04.45 Going Critical: The Sinking of HMS Coventry 05.10 Countdown 05.55 The Clangers

Thursday 23 October

Television

Page 24

October 18 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Friday 24 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Day Team at Chatsworth 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Rugrats 16.35 The Ghosthunter 17.00 Bring It On 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Steph nervously awaits her biopsy results.

Summer finds an ally in Izzy.

Sky and Boyd try to make amends for their cruel prank.

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops S Club 8 perform “Paedojuice” live.

20.00 EastEnders Zoe continues to shun Kelly. But soon they’ll be following in the steps of Tatu, and Madonna and Britney, and any other media hos who want attention.

20.30 All about Me 21.00 Absolutely Fabulous 21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Martine McCutcheon, Harry Hill and Primal Scream.

23.25 Meet My Folks 00.20 FILM: Bring Me the Head of Mavis Davis ** A struggling record producer decides to kill off his only remaining artist in the hope that her death will boost her record sales and make him rich again. On the Eva Cassidy route then.

01.55 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Spot's Musical Adventures 06.10 Brum 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 The Lampies 07.30 Reggie Meets... David Beckham 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Noah's Island 08.30 So Little Time 08.55 Fairly Odd Parents 09.20 Really Wild Show 09.45 Arthur 10.00 CBeebies: The Story Makers 10.20 Tweenies 10.40 Little Robots 10.50 William's Wish Wellingtons 11.00 Stingray 11.25 Stingray 11.50 Trade Secrets 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 FILM: Jane Eyre *** 15.00 Country House 15.30 Ready Steady Cook 15.45 Concorde's Final Bow 16.15 Flog It! 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Scrum V Live: Celtic Warriors v Newport and Gwent Dragons Kick-off at 7.05pm.

21.00 Timewatch: Zulu: the True Story 21.50 Grumpy Old Men: A Life in the Day Topics moaned about include coffee bars, keep-fit fads, banks and discos. Ok, so if I say these things I’m deemed an apathetic/anarchic student, but middle-aged men get a whole programme so that Daily Mail readers everywhere can nod in agreement? Evil.

22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Texas, Starsailor, Josh Homme, PJ Harvey and Kanda Bongo Man. Sharleen Spiteri=the devil. Gaby Logan as the devil=evilest being in the universe.

00.35 The X Files 01.20 FILM: Swann *** 03.00 Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 ITV News Headlines 10.35 HTV News and Weather 10.40 Rugby World Cup 2003: South Africa v Georgia 13.10 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.40 Today with Des and Mel 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Hilltop Hospital 15.30 The Flintstones 16.00 You Can Do Magic 16.15 All Grown Up! 16.50 You Can Do Magic 17.00 I'm the Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Dawn struggles to comprehend the seriousness of Terry's condition. Robert grows increasingly edgy as Elaine tries to understand her confusing flashback. Zak throws in the towel. Instead, he wanks onto the floor.

19.30 Coronation Street When Lucy suspects Shelley still has feelings for Peter, their alliance begins to crack.

Ashley and Claire are shocked at Fred's assumptions, and Claire decides to take action.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Airline 21.00 POW 22.00 Incredible Stories “...And I could never walk properly again.”

22.30 ITV Weekend News 23.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 00.00 FILM: The X Files *** 02.15 Entertainment Now! 02.45 Mixmasters 03.15 World Football 03.40 Today with Des and Mel 04.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC3 19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 The Cure Re:covered Dermot O'Leary presents highlights from the series in which artists perform a track of their own and a cover. The Cure perform Lovesong and Thin Lizzy's Don't Believe a Word.

19.30 Fightbox 20.00 Celebdaq 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Grease Monkeys This show has been brought to you by an orangutan and by sunflower oil.

21.30 Absolutely Fabulous 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 What Not to Wear 23.00 Trevor Nelson's 23.30 Liquid Assets: Posh and Becks' Millions 00.30 Celebdaq 01.00 Fightbox 01.30 CCTV 02.00 Liquid Assets: Posh and Becks' Millions 02.55 Celebdaq 03.25 Fightbox

The Osbournes CH 4 11.15pm

Grumpy Old Men BBC 2 9.50pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 08.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Tonga v New Zealand 10.40 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Home from Home 14.15 Channel 4 attheraces from Newbury 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Popcorn 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De 20.30 Pobol y Cwm Does Derek believe Diane about the money? Cassie and Brandon go to Cardiff for the weekend. No doubt to wreak havoc on St Mary Street, get kebabs and have sex in that alley behind Inncognito’s. Or is that my weekends?

21.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 22.00 Grand Designs Revisited 23.05 V Graham Norton 23.45 Dirty Sanchez Three evilheads from the Welsh valleys and one Londoner are united by a total disregard for their own safety as they perform a range of outrageous stunts. Motherfuckers.

00.15 Mark Thomas: Debt Collector 00.45 Peep Show 01.10 Fashion House 01.35 World Rally: Spain 02.05 Brazilian Football Championship 04.00 Ysgolion/Schools

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 George Shrinks 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 FILM: At the Mercy of a Stranger *** 16.25 Open House with Gloria Hunniford: Celebrity Special 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Dylan reveals the truth about his mother to Nick. She is actually a man who has been arseraping his father for many years. Josh's plan to buy the boatshed are scuppered. Alf has decided to turn it into a brothel instead.

18.30 Family Affairs Sadie and Cat vie for the same man. Why don’t they just go for a threesome? Obvious.

19.00 five news 19.30 Mission to the Deep: Quest for Nazi Gold 20.30 Psychic Secrets Revealed 21.00 FILM: Absolute Power *** Dominatrixes reveal exactly how they get men to clean and cook for them.

23.20 World Music Awards 01.00 FILM: Frankenstein Unbound *** 02.25 FILM: Aberration ** 03.55 Starting from Scratch 04.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

CH 4

08.15 Rugby World Cup 2003: New Zealand v Tonga 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Movies Now 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Rugby World Cup 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals no. 35: my ex boyfriend.

20.30 Pop Idol Extra 22.00 Great Escapes no. 56: from afore mentioned boyfriend.

22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Pop Idol Extra 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.15 David Letterman 02.05 Teleshopping 03.05 Felicity 03.55 Trisha 04.45 Trisha 05.10 David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Chandler and Joey discover that their TV is receiving free pornography.

Ross wants to tell his girlfriend that he loves her. I wonder if that is related to the endorphins he has released from his copious wanking at Delicious and Delightful Dicks for Voracious Pig Bottoms: Part II? 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating This week, Michael Jackson and 80’s ginger minger Sonia get it on.

18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends 21.00 Teachers Kurt ends up in a wheelchair after he and Brian race each other to school, and is determined to make Brian suffer as well.

22.00 Wife Swap 23.05 My Little Friends 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 Hollyoaks 00.45 Smallville 01.35 The Secret Life of Us 02.30 Wife Swap 03.20 My Little Friends

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 12.00 The XFiles 13.00 TV Years - 1990 14.00 Heartthrobs of the 90s New Kids on the Block and Riath divide the crowds.

15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.30 Scrubs 21.00 World Stunt Awards 2003 22.30 Dead Like Me 23.30 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X-Files 01.50 Philly 02.40 TV Years - 1990 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Cream 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty!

09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 09.30 Twelfth Night Documentary. 09.55 Book Box. 10.10 Spanish.

10.35 Spanish. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Design Challenge. 11.40 Design and Make it. 11.55 Life Stuff.

12.30 Fifteen to One 12.55 Little House on the Prairie 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Mother Teresa: The Saint Making Business 20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 Scrubs 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Peep Show 23.15 The Osbournes 00.15 Fashion House 00.50 World Rally: Spain 01.20 Monkey 02.15 Monkey 03.05 Humdrum 03.10 The Anatomists: A Modern Frankenstein 04.05 Trans World Sport 04.55 Postmodern Pastimes no.

87: using a vibrator, though you have a boyfriend. That’s irony! 05.05 Countdown 05.50 Animated Tales

Friday 24 October

“

I got most improved player of the year. Beckham hasn’t won that has he the mincer.

Cardiff rugby lose to Medics

”

AU update from Tom Brown

Back page COMMENT. Below

James McLaren, 16th October 2003

page 26

Issue 746 18 October 2003 Sport Editors: Riath Al-Samarrai and David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

University Sport. Pages 26 and 27 Page 25

Flying start for Wales

Record breaking sixth for Schuey

By Joanna Griffin JAPANESE GRAND PRIX MICHAEL SCHUMACHER created Formula One history when he became the first person to win six World Championship titles, replacing Juan Manuel Fangio’s record of five.

Unlike the last two seasons, Schumacher has had a tougher challenge on his hands, with Kimi Raikonnen looking to snatch the title from the German.

With the Finn qualifying six places higher than Schumacher on the grid, it looked as though sceptics of Raikonnen may be proved wrong.

And things looked promising for Raikonnen at the start. Schumacher lost his front wing after clashing with Sato at the end of lap six, causing him to make an unexpected pit stop.

Unfortunately though, it was not to be for Raikonnen. Ruebens Barrichello put in a strong and gutsy performance to claim the win, with Raikonnen finishing second and Schumacher a disappointing but important eighth.

The race certainly had its highlights, but Schumacher’s performance was rather uninspiring, especially as it came from a multiplecrowned World champion.

It was especially unfortunate that Raikonnen missed out on both a race win, and the championship title. This meant that Schumacher finished the season with 93 points, one ahead of the Finn on 92.

Record breaker Schumacher

WORLD CUP 2003

By Owen Griffiths STEVE HANSEN’S beleagured Wales side responded to recent criticism in style as they claimed a comprehensive victory over Canada at Melbourne’s Telstra Dome.

Going into the match, many observers had questioned whether Wales could overcome the likes of Canada, Italy and Tonga, but a superb display from centre Iestyn Harris capped a fine team performance and helped seal a bonus point.

Wales first had to withstand an early onslaught however, as Canada’s pressure resulted in fly-half Bob Ross producing a quick drop-goal to give the North Americans the lead. Soon after Wales captain Colin Charvis was sin-binned for catching Ross whilst charging down his kick to touch.

Canada couldn’t make the man

advantage pay though, and Wales stole ing Canada to take advantage of the the lead when Harris manufactured a extra man as they worked an opportupass to put Sonny Parker in for the first nity for prop Kevin Tkachuk to claim their only try. try in the left corner.

There was to be no late collapse Harris then converted the try before adding a penalty to put Wales further from Wales though, as replacements Robert Sidoli and Dwayne Peel ahead.

Parker missed two try-scoring rewarded Thomas’ fine work by releaschances with poor handling close to ing the winger for the game’s final the Canadian line before good work score. Once again, Harris converted to from Gareth Thomas on the right sent give Wales a resounding 41-10 victory.

Hansen’s men will be eager to build Gareth Cooper over.

Canada started the second half with on the performance against the the same gusto as they had the first and Canadians and avoid the kind of Wales had to hang on before managing embarrassment that accompanied their to seal victory with two tries in the defeat to Samoa in Cardiff at the last World Cup. The team will have been space of three minutes.

Harris was again involved in the boosted by Harris’ pledge that he is not first as his prop pass allowed Parker to to turn his back on the team and return put Mark Jones in before Charvis spun to rugby league. away from a ruck to dive over for his side’s fourth try and effectively end the contest.

Harris, who kicked superbly all match, converted both.

With ten minutes remaining on the clock, Parker received Wales’ second yellow card of the game allowIestyn Harris, staying in rugby union

Home nations off to a good one

By Thom Airs

BY THE SUNDAY of the opening weekend of the Rugby World Cup all of the home nations had bagged important first wins.

However, despite all the hype and glitz of the opening ceremony, the weekend’s games, beginning with Australia’s predictable win over Argentina, were largely devoid of tension and spectacle.

Of the four home nations, only Scotland, who briefly looked nervous en route to their victory against Japan, gave any cause for pulses to rise.

Japan, who conceded a World Cup record 145 points against New Zealand only eight years ago, worried Scotland with a well-worked try in the 60th minute that brought the scores to within six points.

Ireland conceded 17 points in their game against Romania but managed 45 of their own to top Pool A ahead of hosts Australia. The two teams will meet in Adelaide on 26 October in what is likely to be the group decider.

Unfortunately for neutrals, Georgia failed to offer any real resistance to Clive Woodward’s men as England landed 12 tries in an 84-6 victory.

However, fielding a full strength

team may have back-fired as injuries to key players such as Dawson and Bracken threaten to disrupt England’s build-up to the key match against South Africa.

All four of our home teams scored a bonus point for scoring four or more tries and all recorded pretty comfortable victories.

Unfortunately for the IRB, rugby is not the global game that football is and so the spread of talented nations is limited to only a handful.

Still, with confidence-boosting wins at the weekend, the home nations aren’t complaining.

STEADY BLUES

By James Cooke A RESILIENT DEFENSIVE performance from the Bluebirds prevented a fourth consecutive league win for Sunderland, in what turned out to be a rather dour 90 minutes of football.

Despite the low entertainment value however, those Cardiff fans who had ventured north, were rewarded with a deserved point against the promotion contenders.

A tentative first half saw limited goal mouth action, with a Kevin Kyle effort well saved by Neil Alexander and Mart Poom keeping out Andy Campbell at the other end.

The most significant incident of the first 45 minutes saw Welsh international Rhys Weston forced out of proceedings with a cartilage injury. The influential full-back now looks set to miss the next couple of matches.

The pattern of the second half followed that of the first, as Sunderland were unable to take advantage of greater possession.

Danny Gabbidon and Tony Vidmar excelled in the City defence and it wasn’t until the last minute that Colin Healy broke through to blaze over the bar with the best chance of the game.

The last ten minutes provided recent Crystal Palace loan-signing Julian Gray with his Bluebirds debut. It was clearly not a night to be a striker though, with chances few and far between.

Kavanagh, at the heart of midfield

Dan Baughs, after command performance

By Tim Lewis CARDIFF BLUES 22 LEINSTER TIGERS 3 DAN BAUGH put the misery of missing out on the World Cup behind him to inspire the Blues to a fine home win against Leinster Tigers.

Baugh should have been lining up for Canada down under, but insurance problems meant he was forced to stay at home in Cardiff.

Cardiff will certainly not be complaining as Baugh scored two tries and clinched the man of the match award.

The only fault in an otherwise star performance was the yellow card he received, his third of the season, leaving him with a one match ban.

It was Nick Walne’s first half break which led to Baugh’s first try, with the Canadian flanker on hand to crash over from a yard after some good running by the winger.

Walne scored himself in the second half. Quick movement and handling led to the Welsh international finishing

off a stylish move by the Blues’ backline. Baugh’s luck was certainly in when he escaped punishment from referee David Chanleng after a dangerously high tackle, but moments later Baugh crossed for his second try of the evening.

Cardiff fly-half Nick Robinson, another player who must have been disappointed not to make the World Cup, kicked two conversions and a penalty to seal the Cardiff victory in front of 3,000 home supporters.

Leinster’s only reply was a Matt Leek penalty in the second half, leav-

ing them firmly rooted to the bottom of the Celtic league.

Elsewhere in the league, Edinburgh won a hard fought battle to overcome Llanelli, winning 25-16, and overtaking the Scarlets into top spot.

A haul of 22 points from Gavin Henson gave the Ospreys a moral boosting win over the Celtic Warriors and moved them into third place.

The Gwent Dragons completed a successful weekend for the Welsh clubs with a 27-5 win over Glasgow.

World Cup stand-by Ian Gough influential in the defeat of the Gunners.

Blues talisman, Baugh

University Sport

Page 26

October 18 2003

grsport@cf.ac.uk

A word from the President...

AU President Tom Brown rounds up the first week of exciting sport action As I opened the curtains last Wednesday morning to see blue skies and the sun shining, I knew we were in for an exciting opening day to the first BUSA fixtures of 2003/2004.

Hopes were high and adrenaline was pumping as the players stepped out on to the pitches to take on their opposition. By evening, both congratulations and commiserations were in order.

The men’s rugby first team had a giant clash with the medics held on both teams’ mutual home venue of Llanrumney. Our f irst XVs have shown great form in recent friendly matches in which they have achieved two impressive victories over the mighty teams of Bath and UWIC. Ahead of this match the Cardiff boys must have been confident in taking yet another victory but this was not to be. The Medics had clearly risen to the challenge and their winning intentions were clear from the very f irst whistle as they dominated before winning the match. This loss is a big blow to the rugby 1st XV and it will be a real test of character to pick themselves up before this week’s home f ixture against Southampton. However, I know they are up to this task and I look forward to seeing them regain their true strength and ability.

I must congratulate an emphatic victory for the men’s football 1st XI who won 4-1 over the Medics’ 1st Team. Two fantastic goals were scored by club captain Simon Green, one direct from a corner! The men’s 2nd XI managed to secure a close 21 victory over the 3rd XI after the 3rd’s were promoted last year to the 2nd’s league. Not to be outdone, the

women’s 1st XI football team had an easy win with an emphatic 7-0 result against Southampton.

Hockey had mixed fortunes with excellent victories for the women’s 2nd and 3rd teams but narrow losses for the men’s 2nd and women’s 1st teams. The men’s first team held UWIC to a 2-2 draw.

Further well-deserved congratulations are in order to both tennis teams, women’s volleyball and badminton teams who all secured impressive victories over major opposition such as Bristol, Southampton and Exeter.

I would like to encourage all students who are interested in watching the University or IMG teams to head down to the f ixture venues at Llanrumney, Pontcanna, Blackweir and Talybont and cheer on the players. Your support from the sidelines really is appreciated.

After surviving last Wednesday I have realised just how much work goes on in the AU on BUSA days and I must thank Marion and Nick and all the Team committees for the great efforts in making sport so successful week in week out.

Finally, I urge everybody to take part in the ‘Get Your Kit On’ campaign on Wednesday October 22.

Each and every Wednesday afternoon reflects just how important AU sport is to so many students and it is up to you to ensure that it remains that way. Please buy your raffle tickets from the Union reception (for every ticket you get gym access worth £17) and ‘get your kit on’ this Wednesday.

Remember: save AU sport and save lives.

Kay’s men find right prescription

By Simon Green The men’s AFC 1st team started the BUSA campaign well with a 4-1 win over an enthusiastic Medics side.

Cardiff found themselves a goal behind in the opening minutes when a free kick into the box was volleyed neatly home into his own net from Ian Platt.

A quick response was required and Matt Kay’s finish after a lovely flowing piece of football brought the scores level. Si Green’s vicious inswinging corner caught the eccentric Italian ‘keeper off guard and he was left waving aimlessly at the ball as it crossed the line. Cardiff’s dominance was now evident. Si Lewis came close on a cou-

ple of occasions before Jonathan Creek slid the third into the Medics net. In the minutes that followed, the Medics had a rare touch of the ball, and indeed their fate was sealed when a Ravenscroft corner found the unmarked Green on the edge of the box, who turned before curling the ball into the far top corner.

The Cardiff defence was again resolute and it was an altogether strong performance from all concerned and but for a late McCan miss from one yard, the score could have been even more emphatic.

Elsewhere, in the eagerly awaited showdown between the 2nds and 3rds, the second string came away 2-1 winners, whilst the fourth team secured a superb 2-1 victory against Glamorgan IIs.

CLUB FOCUS LADIES’ Ladies rugbsRUGBY LADIES

By Bethan Skelton RUGBY boasts a highly successful squad who caters for international players to the complete novice.

This season the ladies’ team face the likes of Bristol, Bath and Exeter and expectations are rightly running high.

After finishing third in a league that they were only promoted to the season before, the team is quietly confident about how they will fair over the next few months.

Even though the team

trains every Tuesday, Friday and Sunday on top of gruelling Wednesday BUSA matches, the friendly committee can always be found in the Woodville, prior to Rubber Duck in the Union. The team puts every effort into this aspect of club life with regular squad fancy dress theme nights.

Favourites over the past year have included Toga Night and Bad Taste -

always a winner.

This season the main aim of the club is to continue their winning form against Swansea University in the Varsity Challenge. Unlike the men’s side, the ladies regularly annihilate the opposition, notching up victories of 70-0 and 65-5 over the last two years.

Eat your hearts out, lads.

Positive start for Uni netballers

By Vicky Brock and Vicky Hill THE BUSA netball season got under way with all four of Cardiff’s teams playing their first matches of the season.

The summer break seemed a long way away as all teams got back into the groove after a long period out of BUSA action.

The 1sts went head-to-head with UWIC’s A team in a tough start to their campaign. And, although Cardiff fought wel,l they couldn’t prevent a stronger UWIC side running out 5225 winners. However, Sophie Vaughan impressed for Cardiff throughout.

The 2nd team played the 3rds in the opening round of games, having been

drawn in the same BUSA groups this year.

Despite competing against fellow squad players, both sides were still determined to put on a good show and they didn’t disappoint.

Notable performances from goal attack Ellie Collins for the 3rds, and Adina Campbell and Ali Bereton for the 2nds contributed to a 37-20 win for the second team where the impetus was on attacking play.

Meanwhile, the fourth team was drawn against the Medics for their first tie. And the side showed a good work ethic, playing well together resulting in a 33-16 win.

With a long campaign ahead, it looks as if Cardiff Uni could be in for a successful season if the opening fixtures are anything to go by.

Netballers off to good start

“What a great start to the IMG season!”

Team Focus This week catch up with the ladies’ rugby team p. 26

Beca Murphy, p27

IMG It’s back! See inside for full details of the first week’s action p. 27

CROCKED

18 October 2003 - Issue 746

Medics inject UWC with a dose of reality

By Toby Rigden and James Cole THE CARDIFF 1st XV suffered defeat at the hands of archrivals Cardiff Medics this week.

In a match which had promised to be a thrilling and close encounter, the Cardiff Medics turned out comfortable victors, winning 24-5.

Cardiff looked a far cry from the team of previous weeks which had claimed the scalps of Bath and UWIC respectively.

The Medics on the other hand raised their game impressively, neutralising Cardiff ’s perceived strength in the scrum, dominating the back line and outscoring Cardiff by four tries to one.

The Medics had Cardiff in trouble from the

very start of the match, scoring almost immediately from the kick off as their fly-half dummied his way through a slack Cardiff defence to open the scoring.

Cardiff responded strongly and after a period of concerted pressure, inside-centre Ian Dick powered his way over the medic try line from 15 metres out. From there on in the Medics dominated the encounter.

Utilising a strong tail wind, they pinned Cardiff back inside their own half, forcing them into making errors which resulted in two further scores before the interval.

At the start of the second half, Cardiff were still very much in the match. However, a combination of tactical naivety, poor handling and an aggressive Medics defence prevented Cardiff from mounting any sustained pressure.

Midway through the second half the Medics effectively sealed the victory with a well-con-

structed push-over try following a lineout near the Cardiff line. It was a result that places the Medics in a commanding position in their BUSA league, whilst Cardiff are left facing an uphill battle to achieve their pre-season objective of league promotion. Next week sees Southampton visit Llanrumney, where victory is paramount for Cardiff as they attempt to resurrect their season.

Meanwhile, Cardiff 2nd XV were defeated 17-11 in their opening match against Exeter 2nds. Winger Chris Tennuci scored Cardiff ’s only try following a series of well-worked phases by the home team. 2nd team captain Connor McConchie said after the match: “It was a tough openning fixture for the boys, especially considering the number of new faces. We have a lot to work on, however there were a number of positives to take from today’s performance.”

email grsport@cf.ac.uk

SPARKLESS Wales 2 - 3 Serbia&Montenegro

By Chris Finch Football correspondent THE WELSH crusade to Portugal 2004 will take a detour through Moscow after defeat at home to Serbia and Montenegro put an emphatic end to Mark Hughes’ dreams of automatic qualification.

A 3-2 loss sees the boys from the Principality crossing the continent to face Russia in a play-off to reach next year’s European Championships.

Slated as a meaningless tie prior to kick off, Welsh hope was in Italy where qualification hinged on Azerbaijan achieving a result against the Azzurri.

Though this did not deter the vocal 72,000 in attendance at kick off, by the time Robert Earnshaw headed a last minute consolation it was largely for the joy of an empty stadium as news from Italy filtered into the Cardiff night, and fans drained out onto the streets.

Having trounced the group whipping boys 4-0, the Italians take their place among Europe’s elite whilst Wales must improve upon this performance if they are going to enjoy the Portuguese sun next summer as more than just tourists.

Paul Jones’ sorry attempt at stopping Zvonimir Vukic’s second minute free kick instantly silenced the valley roar, as the low strike squirmed under the body of Southampton’s goalkeeper.

Confidence was restored by the youthful energy and enthusiasm Earnshaw brings to the side whenever he dons the red jersey, whilst the mesmerising presence of Ryan Giggs issued hope of a revival.

But sadly for the patriotic few that remained at the final whistle this optimism was misled.

John Hartson equalised just before the break from the penalty spot, but with events in Italy undermining the traditional spirit and pride that drives Welsh sport, the Wales challenge soon faded.

Two cheap goals conceded in the final ten minutes rubber stamped Welsh fate, and irrespective of Earnshaw finding the net, ensured they would face a tricky play-off in order to attend their first major championships since 1958.

Hughes’ Russian roullette

Photo: Sport and rec GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT WEST COUNTRY PUBLICATIONS, PLYMOUTH ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■SOME CUNT STOLE MY POWER TOOLS, PLEASE GIVE THEM BACK, I LONG TO DRILL AGAIN ■ JIMMY WILL CRY■ PEOPLE IN HERE NEED TO BE MORE INTERESTING - I’M SO BORED■

IMG Sport

October 18 2003

Page 27

grsport@cf.ac.uk

SOSCI feel the force of Pharmacy as IMG leagues get underway

By Beca Murphy IMG Chair

WHAT A great start to the IMG season!

All matches kicked off with out any problems, apart from the sun being too bright!

Not that this hindered any of the netball attackers giving us some mighty big scores for the first match, with Pharmacy ‘A’ notching up 24 goals against Socsi’s 2.

A gutsy first mach between Law ‘A’ and Carbs ‘B’ saw the latter come through on top, the final score 9 - 8 to Carbs ‘B’.

Although I’m not quite sure how many of the players were of the ‘true’ ‘B’ side! The competition between these two societies will, I’m sure,

become quite more intense as the season unravels.

A close battle was fought between newcomers Christian Union and Cplan. The final score being 8 - 7 to Cplan.

But, I’m sure Christian Union have got something tucked up their bibs for their next match, especially since it’s against last year’s Crown holders Carbs ‘A’.

Over in Pontcanna, Gym Gym and Myg Myg have definitely got something to prove in this year’s Football league. Gym Gym have obviously been studying the skills of the netball

FEATURED MATCH: Xpress Radio v. Carbs A

By David Williams

girls after beating Japsoc 6 - 0. Not a bad effort boys!

While Myg Myg must’ve had some weetabix, because they managed to draw 1 - 1 with last years Premiership winners Accountancy.

Although I do suggest that next week Myg Myg should take a bit more time and consideration over your choice of referee.

Yet again the Christian Union proved that they were not a force to be messed with, denting Xpresston Northend’s early season plans, beating them 5 - 0.

And over in group C, John Jenkins

FEATURED MATCH: Optometry v. Economics

By Thom Airs

Entertainment value 8/10 XpressRadio: Rachael Sweetland 7, Aimi Bisco 7, Ruth Davies7, Suzanne Carter 6, Jules Mayne 7, Georgie Mavrakis 6, Stacey Harris 8. Subs: Reena Grupal 6, Karen Sharp (captain) 7, Gemma Benns 6 Carbs A (1st half team) Jenine Gills 9, Bethan Walker 8 Katie Fletcher8, Maya Chandler 7, Anna Curtis 8, Fiona Hayes 7, Katy Goddard 8 Woman of the match - Jenine Gills 9/10 - a thoroughly solid display in defence which saw the team keep a cleansheet in the first half.

TALYBONT WAS the venue for Xpress Radio’s first ever match in the IMG netball league, and what a baptism of fire it was.

Facing seasoned pro’s Carbs A, captain Karen Sharp and her troops couldn’t have faced a more daunting task in their Group D opener.

Playing in the cold and windy conditions of the Talybont outdoor court, the Xpress women felt the pressure early on as Katie Fletcher and Katy Goddard made them pay for some early nerves.

And, when Xpress did get a look in it was Carbs A’s goalkeeper Jenine

RESULTS IMG FOOTBALL Group A Momed 4 Law B 1 Accountancy 1 FC Myg Myg 1 Cathays FC 1 Earth Soc 4 Economics 7 Optometry 0

Gills who covered the net superbly to dent the newcomer’s chances.

With a couple of late points scored just before the break, Carbs A took a 60 lead into the second half and Xpress must have thought a humiliating result could be on their hands.

However, after several half time substitutions for both sides, the underdogs came back into the match with Ruth Davies and Stacey Harris getting more of a look-in upfront.

Indeed, with supply coming from Jules Mayne and Aimi Bisco, at the pivotal role of centre, the debutantes got back into the tie with two points of Group B Carbs A 19 English Soc 0 FCReal 7 Irish FC 1 AFCHistory 1 Uni Hallstars 0 Xpression NE 0 Christian Union 5 Group C Jomec 6 Bute Park Utd 4 Carbs B 2 Planderlecht 0 John JenkinsFC 1 Afro Carribean Soc

their own.

Although they were on the scoresheet for the first time, they could still not prevent the opposition from adding four in the second half, thanks mainly to the likes of Bethan Walker at centre and Fiona Hayes’ diligent and honest work.

Despite a defeat of 10-2, the Xpress team can look forward to their next match knowing that the opposition won’t get much tougher this season than Carbs, who themselves will be expecting to finish amongst the frontrunners for end of season honours.

2 Mathletico Madrid 2 Accountington Stanley 1 Group D LawA 2 The George FC 0 Lokomotiv Engin 4 Pharm AC 0 Gym Gym 6 Japsoc 0 Chemsoc 2 Athletico Roy 1 IMG NETBALL

couldn’t quite manage to get the equalizer they needed against the AfroCarribean Society, eventually losing 2 - 1.

All in all, it was a good day and night for the IMG boys and girls, with many of the teams following up their matches with a freshers initiation, ending quite drunkenly in Rubber Duck!

Don’t forget that Wednesday is ‘Get Your Kit ON!’.

Wear your kit to morning lectures not forgetting to donate a pound to charity and also be in with a chance of winning loads of brilliant prizes later on in Rubber Duck of course!

Entertainment value 7/10 Optometry Richard Hullin 8, Paul Gibson 8, Guy Waldron 6, Adam Clements 6, David Taylor 6, Colin Philpotts 6, Sam Aynsley 7, Paul Tyskerud 9, Thomas Biggs 6, Rob Flatt 6, Dan Burt 6 Subs : Colum McAlinden 6, Michael Agnew 6 Economics Ben Smith 6, Matt Flynn 7, Steve Weekely 8, Danny Evans 9, Dan August 7, Elliot Timberlake 6, Andy Williams 7, Karl Evans 8, Pete Clark 9, Andrew Guidi 8, Martin Xiberras 8 Subs:Simon Jones 8, Robin Caunce 8, Dunne 8 Man of the match - Paul Tyskerud 9/10 OPTOMETRY WOULD have perhaps wished for weaker opposition than Economics to begin the 2003/04 IMG Football season.

Both teams adjusted to the blustery condition by neatly playing the ball on the deck but it wasn’t until the 12th minute that the first shot was produced.

Optometry’s ‘keeper Richard Group A Optometry A 11 English Soc 0 Law B 14 Cardiff Uni C 10 Cardiff Uni B 10 Medics 3 Group B Pharmacy A 24 Socsi 2 Cardiff Uni A 20 The Marines 2 Chemsoc 4 Optometry B 19 Economics 10 Pharmacy B 5

Hullin saved well from an Andrew Guidi shot after the striker had broken free in the area.

On 27 minutes, Economics forced their way into the lead with a neat move on the edge of the area.

Clark, with his back to goal, teed up striker Martin Xiberras who shot low to the goalkeeper’s left.

Economics again pushed forward and were awarded a penalty after a trip in the area. Steve Weekely stepped up to take the spot-kick but saw his attempt hit the left-hand post.

It took only two minutes for them to recover and emphatically double their lead. Andy Williams whipped in a dangerous cross from the left and Clark was able to slot the ball home at the back post after Hullin had mistimed his interception.

Unfortunately, Optometry’s endeavour was out-shone in the second half as Economics displayed their strength in depth.

Half-time subs Jones, Caunce and Dunne used their fresh legs to trouble the defence and add five goals in the second half, showing slick passing in the build up to Karl Evans’s 63rd minute goal and showing powerful shooting as Caunce unleashed an unstoppable 25 yarder with five minutes to go to seal a 7-0 win.

Group C Law A 8 Carbs B 9 Gym Gym 14 Sawsa 1 Group D Carbs A 10 Xpress Radio 2 Psychology 12 Comsoc 3 Christian Union 7 CPlan 8

GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SP

GR SPORT FOLIO

James McLaren

Ex-History footballer

By Riath Al-Samarrai STILL SNARLING with poorly disguised rage, James McLaren anxiously waits for the interview to begin, “sorry to be rude I just get pissed off when I think about what has hap-

pened,” the former star of History FC explains in a rare moment of composure when recalling the collapse of his beloved football team.

Famed for his energetic dashes down the wing and enviable ability to run tirelessly, McLaren is every part the same man, bouncing up and down in his chair in the union as he is when charging the line at Pontcanna Fields. But there is a difference; nervous and fiddling randomly with whatever is in reach, he has the inquisitive nature of a child at Christmas.

“So what type questions are you going to ask me then?” he repeats with an irritating frequency, “it’s just I’ve never done anything like this before and want to come across ok”. Some reassurance later and Jimmy, as he is affectionately known by friends, is deeply submerged in football talk.

“I love football, which is why I got really pissed off when History couldn’t enter a team this year, but I’ll find someone, the IMG is nothing without me,”

McLaren laughs.

Jimmy’s sense of humour is both funny and intoxicating, laughing menacingly at comments he directed at me two weeks ago, “You’re the dick-head that printed what I said about IMG football,” he says grinning with an appetite for explaining the obvious, “Yeah, I got some stick for saying IMG was more important than my family to me, which was obviously a piss take - well I suppose it was.

“But at the end of the day I would like a game of football, and don’t have that many chances to play now that History have folded.”

James, like many of those eager to burn a few beer-induced pounds effortlessly accumulated during jis studious time spent at Cardiff University, started playing football to get fit. “When I came to uni I was a bit fat so I started playing

footy to lose some weight, and socialise.

I’ve made some great mates since being here; it’s been a wicked laugh.

“We were an average team at best, but it’s always been really fun to be a part of it.” As the interview progresses, James dives deep into the archives of his mind with anecdotes about his career, “Yeah I suppose it’s a tale of missed opportunities, and even though the call from Sir Alex never came - well sod it he’s a twat anyway, I got Most Improved Player of the Year last season, and Beckham hasn’t won that, has he the mince?.” Enough said.

Upcoming gair rhydd interviews will include footie ace Gaz Nettleton. Make sure you pick up the next issue to learn more about the legion of sporting superstars scattered around Cardiff University.