rhydd 750
ga ir
ISSUE 750. November 17
FREE
November 17 2003
commemorative pul l-out
free word - EST. 1972
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY
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EDITIONS OF
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After covering over 30 years, Cardiff students for gair
CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM
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Features, Travel, Fashion, Music, Books, Lex’s Law, Blind date, Arts, Digital, Film, Gay, Food... Your free entertainment guide
A
gair rhydd Editor
s the mainstream press has developed dent media has remained remarkab , stubehind, especially ly close in the media obsessed city of Cardiff. Cardiff hand-written magazine University first produced a in 1885, although newspaper was the first launched shortly after the start of the 20th Century. But it wasn’t until 1971 when our beloved first rolled off the gair rhydd press, would become a bright and over the next 32 years it light in the often dull world of student journalism . In the early 70’s free word boasted shoddy typewritten sheets, looking hand-drawn lines and hastily corrected copy. But with edge that has been this apparent shoddiness came an hard ics may have replaced to match since – quality graphline art diagrams, teur feel added to but the amathe sense that gair rhydd was strongly against the establishm ent. Early papers were remarkably political today’s offering – compared to one to vote Conservative front page leader urged students to protect their freedom. gair rhydd’s were The early also overt in their union. Editorials criticism of the would declare the Executive a disgrace, calling for the resignation of the president and senior members of the gest boycotts of the management. Others would sugnightclub or other union in the current climate these moves would services – ing. seem shockAs you look through this brief collection favourite front pages, of our it becomes clear has won so many national awards. This why gair rhydd in another nominatio has culminated n for Mirror best per this year. student newspaThe latest chapter launched earlier this in the gair rhydd’s history was year, with the introductio first regular magazine n of our segment. Advances gy have allowed in technologair rhydd to expand greater amount of content, and to allow to produce a ber of contributors a greater numto a glance at the efforts work for us than ever before. But of previous years suggests have a way to go before we still we can match the instincts of out predecesso campaigning This year’s gair rhydd rs has tried to return cal roots but has so to its critifar resisted the temptation out the big guns. to bring But expect fireworks as we try to live up later in the year to the high standards of gair rhydd.
Souvenir edition
Quench
By Tristan Thomas,
LEFT: The union president quits for the first time since Neil Kinnock (1980) RIGHT: For the first time in history a woman president is elected (1991) LEFT: gair rhydd bravely accuses two Sabb officers of abusing their positions (1983) RIGHT: The following week a front page apology grovels to avoid libel problems (1983) LEFT: Accusations are made against Exec members for wasting expenses (1998) RIGHT: We report on the shocking rape just metres from the union (2001)
We celebrate our 750th issue with a souvenir pull-out
Late licence jeopardised
UNION BARS HOURS FROM CLOSURE By Peter Bramwell News Editor
Cardiff magistrates cause needless havoc for union officials
LOCKED DOORS: Nearly a reality, say the union
THE STUDENTS’ UNION bars operation could have been only hours from closure, after a blunder from Cardiff magistrates nearly cost the late licence, gair rhydd has learned. Freshers’ Week 2003 could have been ruined by a bureaucratic error when union staff were falsely told that they did not have a late licence and were therefore ‘illegally’ operating Solus and the Taf past 11pm. gair rhydd can reveal however that the Union did have this right. To Cardiff students, unaware of the union’s plight, the early evening closure of the Taf on Thursday September 25 was due to ‘electrical problems’. But behind the scenes, union management were locked in emergency meetings with police, attempting to rescue the situation. Later described as “discrepancies in paperwork between the court, police and the union”, problems arose when a late licence application for the Graduate Centre was rejected by the Cardiff magistrates’ licensing panel. Union General Manager Jason Dunlop said, “We were worried by that stage. The situation looked serious as the court thought the union didn’t have a licence.
PINTS: at risk of becoming unavailable after 11pm
“We were faced with the prospect of closing the doors of the union at 11pm everyday for an indefinite period of time.” Eventually the decision was made to keep the union open after consulting some of the country’s top licensing solicitors to construct legal arguments. Mr Dunlop added, “We applied for some special orders of exemption for extended hours which covered us until the next court hearing in October. When we presented our case they came up with some more queries, so we reapplied until the last court hearing on November 4. This was where we received all of our licenses for the Taf, Seren Las, Solus and the Great Hall. “It’s my view that it’s a substantial benefit for the city of Cardiff for the Students’ Union to remain open. You then have the whole of the student population in one place. “From a crime and disorder strategy it is very much in the wider benefit of Cardiff. This is why we had the support from the police, as they understand that we do play a major role in supporting students when they come away from home for the first time. “I’m pleased because now we definitely know the licence is right. Even though it seems we have been through a lot, and a massive amount of work, it’s ended with a positive outcome.”
News
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November 17 2003
grnews@cf.ac.uk
At
a glance
News Editorial Icarus Politics Letters Listings Competitions Taf Od Media Jobs & Money Celebration TV Listings Five Minute Fun Comedy Problem Sport
1 5 6 7 9 10 12 13 14 15 17 21 30 31 33
EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson
ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS Andrew Caldicott EDITORIAL AND OPINION Rhys James SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS James Anthony BIG WIN CIRCUS Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr, Angharrad George MEDIA Gary Andrews JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York FIVE MINUTE FUN Janine Jones COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Alys Southwood, Sayan Chakraborty, Gwilym Owen, Rob Sharples, Rosalyn Dewey CONTRIBUTORS
Andrew Cullen, Alison White, Alex Dove, Steph Eagleton, Emily Knightley, Kirsty Monaghan, Fariba Dashtgard, Suzi Slater, Katy Starke, Becca Murphy, Ben Wright, Catherine Gee, John Stanton, Ben Alcroft, Rhiannon Spellman, Steve Decroose, Sarah Bellingham, Fraya McCall, Katie Thomas, David Jarmain, Andy Williams, Jim Sefton, Jorge Soares, Jenna Wilcox, Tiger Rourke, Gareth Jones, Amy Gorochowski, Tom Brown, James Cole, Hywel Bevan, Thom Airs, John Tuscany
ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union
Dickinson fights crime battle for students By Andrew Cullen Reporter CARDIFF IS among 11 cities targeted by a Home Office campaign aimed at reducing crimes committed against students. The campaign provides students with crime prevention advice, and will appear on beer mats, posters and bus tickets. David Dickinson has teamed up with the government by launching the internet game “Bargain Boost” as a way of getting students to take the issue of crime prevention seriously. As an added incentive to play the game appearing on the good2bsecure.co.uk website, the highest points scorer will get to have dinner
with the Bargain Hunt presenter. Home Office figures say that one in three students becomes a victim of crime each year while they are at university. Among the biggest crimes affecting students are mugging, vehiclerelated theft and burglary. Students are easy targets for criminals, particularly thieves, due to the certain amount of trust that they place in each other when living in halls or shared houses. Students also own more expensive consumer goods per head than the rest of the population, with 70 per cent owning a computer and 86 per cent having a mobile phone. Twice as many burglaries happen in private homes or flats as in uni-
versity halls and as the unfortunate victims of the burglary in Miskin Street will verify, half of all burglaries are opportunist and only need an open door or window.
Website www.good2bsecure.co.uk offers students top 10 tips to avoid becoming a victim of crime (as well as the chance to meet David Dickinson!).
Gough says there has been a good response to the publicity among Cardiff University students asking to know more. “It’s just to show that we’re still here. It’s such a cheek that he’s been invited; we will fight him at every step”, she said. The protest will meet up with other local protests at the Aneurin Bevan statue at the end of Queen Street. Organisers expect there will be a variety of action including street theatre and spontaneous action. The state visit is the first by a US president since Woodrow Wilson in 1919. British Foreign Secretary, Jack Straw, insists that the visit is necessary and there is a huge agenda to be discussed, ranging from Iraq and the Middle East to the urgent need to restart the World Trade Negotiations. According to the Guardian, Straw called on Labour Party members to think of the “positive things from America”. President Bush and his wife Laura
will be staying at Buckingham Palace. Demonstrations are set to take place all across the country, but the focus will be in London on Thursday. The Stop theWar Coalition and the Muslim Association of Britain hope that 100,000 protesters will take to the streets. A giant statue of Bush will be pulled down in a parody of the toppling of Saddam’s in Baghdad. Sources say that a visit which places the American President, Prime Minister Tony Blair and Queen Elizabeth II in the same place calls for an unprecedented level of protection. According to the Guardian, anti-war protests planned in London have already led Downing Street to cancel plans for the President to address both Houses of Parliament.
Cardiff Organisers have planned for a coach to take protesters to London on Thursday, November 20. Tickets are available for £8 outside the union every day.
CRIME: Together we’ll crack it (Pic: Ben Alcroft)
BUSH VISIT IGNITES CARDIFF PROTEST By Fariba Dashtgard Reporter GEORGE W BUSH’S three-day visit to the UK next week has sparked fierce protest from Cardiff Students. Walk into the Students’ Union any day this week and you will run into students armed with flyers and petitions protesting against the US President. Three Cardiff University societies, including Alt & Shift, Socialist Student’s Society and Socialist Workers, are all part of the national Stop the War Coalition and are gearing up for what they hope will be a very “unpleasant welcome” for the President. Jo Gough, a first year student in Education and a co-organiser of the local protests, is hoping that the Cardiff demonstration planned for this Wednesday at 12:30pm in front of the Students’ Union, will be packed.
Universities favour local students By Rhiannon Spellman A NEW POLICY aimed at widening access for working class applicants means leading universities will give priority to local students. This is a response to the government’s plans to admit more young people from deprived areas. Edinburgh is to favour applicants from Scotland and the north of England in next year’s admissions. Similar ‘locals first’ schemes are being applied at other universities. Newcastle University offered 600 students from the north-east a place,
sometimes on the basis of lower grades. Applicants from schools that send a small proportion of students on to higher education and those whose parents have not attended university will also stand a better chance. Alan Smithers, professor of education at Liverpool University, criticised the scheme, saying, “To ask universities to look beyond previous academic achievement is to engage in social engineering.” But a spokesman at Edinburgh University defended the policy, saying “The implementation of the new policy will be carefully monitored to ensure fairness to all applicants.”
PARENTS TO DITCH KIDS By Alison White Reporter PARENTS CAN ensure their children get up to £2,000 in university grants by disowning them, say ministers. Couples who divorce before their children go to university will also receive additional help. Students whose parents stay together will miss out on any extra support. Pro-family campaigners have branded this system "crazy" and accused ministers of creating a
"perverse incentive" for families to split up for financial reasons. Higher Education Minister Alan Johnson revealed students whose families have broken down will be "treated as independent" when being assessed for support. Dr Adrian Rogers, advisor to pro-marriage and family support group Family Focus slammed the proposed system. "It’s a nonsense, a cop-out from dealing with the real problem, which is how you finance the small number of people who deserve and would benefit from university."
News
November 17 2003
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grnews@cf.ac.uk
Come Play hits Union for NYE By Alison White Reporter DUE TO popular demand, the Union has organised a Come Play New Year’s Eve Extravaganza. The union responded to a poll on New Year opening at www.cardiffstudents.com which showed heavy support from over 3,000 student responses. The night kicks off with a
champagne reception in the Taf from 8pm, with Solus opening soon after. Revellers will be free to move between the two venues throughout the night, within venue capacity. Tickets are on sale now from the union ticket office priced at £12 before December 8, and £15 after. The Taf is open until 6am for breakfast and after hours drink-
ing. The event promises to be budget friendly with drinks kept at usual union prices. Finance and Commercial Services officer, Michael Rabjohns said, "We are delighted to be opening on New Years Eve, not only a first for the union, but also Come Play’s only New Year student night in the UK. It gives university friends the chance to see in the New Year together. The entertainment through the
evening will be first class, the venue will look stunning, and we expect it to be a night to remember." Zoology student Jamie Parkinson said "I’ve wanted to come back to Cardiff for New Years Eve before, but myself and friends could never decide what to do or where to go. I think it’s an awesome idea and I’ll definitely be there."
Christmas lights switched on in City centre
Jamelia turns Cardiff on Pics: Kirsty Monaghan
MONDAY NIGHTS By Sarah Bellingham Reporter LIQUID HAS announced that its Monday night event is to be scrapped at the end of the month. The city centre club introduced its ‘Pooh yer pants’ night with a series of guest appearances including crowd-pleasers and student favourites David Dickinson, the stars of Rainbow and Pat Sharpe, but the night has proved an embarrass-
ing flop for the usually popular night spot. Liquid were unavailable for comment but competition from rival club Creation is rumoured to be the main cause for the decline in attendance. Emily Carter, Promotions manager for Creation indicated that attendance figures for their Monday night event ‘Saucy Monkey’ have soared in the past few weeks. And the majority of the clubbers are first year students. “It is mainly Freshers who seem to prefer coming here than venturing into town,” she
By Steve Decroose Leisure Correspondant CARDIFF’S CITY centre swung into the festive season last Thursday to the rhythm of soul diva Jamelia. The Brummie - who shot to fame with the hit song Superstar impressed the crowds with her strong vocals and stunning black dress. Jase and Zoe from the Red Dragon FM breakfast show hosted the event, which will see St Mary Street and Queen Street illuminated from now until January. Not only was there a chilled out vibe, but this year the Christmas lights actually worked. Last November’s ceremony was opened by Darius but the atmosphere turned sour when the lights failed to illuminate after the countdown.
LIQUIDATED
said. One of the only other venues in Cardiff for students on a Monday night is ‘Factory’ in Solus at our own union. The alternative night caters to a less mainstream audience so its attendance should not be overly affected by Creation’s popularity, or the closure of Liquid. But Mike Rabjohns, Finance and Commercial services Officer at the Union, admitted that the event had been “suffering”. Attendance at ‘Factory’ has dropped to 650 in past weeks,
which is just over half the average attendance from last year. “It’s unlikely that the closure of a commercial night in Liquid will directly lead to gain in attendance,” said Mike. We aim at a completely different target audience, but hopefully we will see some improvement.” Mike added that entry to ‘Factory’ before 11pm is free, and there are several drinks offers. Despite this, the student population has yet to be enticed.
Pic: Freya McCall
News
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November 17 2003
grnews@cardiff.ac.uk
Degree classification system scrapped By Suzi Slater Reporter PLANS TO scrap the current degree classification system have been unveiled by the government after a record number of students graduated with a 2.1 or a 1st last summer. From 2005, students are likely to leave university with a ‘progress file’ rather than a first, upper/lower second or a third. This will state the exact percentage achieved and come as welcome news to students on grade bound-
aries. Many borderline students graduate unhappy that they will be classed the same level as those getting up to nine per cent lower. The new system should allow employers to distinguish between the brightest graduates in an increasingly competitive job market. Last year, 56 per cent of graduates left university with either a first or 2:1, compared with only ten per cent ten years ago. Kamran Dedeshanti, a Bristol University Graduate, believes it is time for a change.
One hundred job applications later, and still looking for a job he said, "I thought with a 2:1 from Bristol I’d be all right, but it’s so competitive in the job market at the moment. "I came pretty close to a first, so if people knew I was closer to a first than a 2:2 it would certainly be an advantage." Peter Williams, a member of the government task group, supports such views, saying, "The traditional system is too rough and ready - it can mislead rather than inform. A ‘progress file’
will act as a record of achievement including a final exam mark, averaged out from across every piece of degree work and will outline the skills the student has acquired throughout the degree." But some students seem to have serious doubts about the new system. Jodie Clark, a first year Ancient History student said, "The government seem be trying to fix something which I don’t think needs to be. After being a victim of the AS/A2 disaster, I can’t help thinking that the ‘progress files’ will just create confusion."
And Liz Lunn, a first year Psychology student, also argued a key concern. "I think the current system is simple and well known. If the employer wants to know more they can just ask.” The proposals are designed to help employers but Richard Wilson, executive at the Institute of Directors, is against the idea. "It is hard to know who is really worth employing, so we do not support ending degree classifications. “There has been dumbing down in universities and demands placed on students have eased,” he said.
THE LYNX EFFECT
Free manicures for students By Katy Starke Reporter CARDIFF STUDENTS were treated to an unusual morning of manicures last Thursday as part of a Lynx UK-wide promotion Entitled ‘The Girls Are Ready…ARE YOU?’, Lynx offered free manicures to female students entering the Union in a bid to get guys to follow suit and smarten themselves up. Almost 100 students were buffered and polished throughout the day by student manicurists. Among the Lynx team was Amy Lowther, a 3rd year City and Regional Planning student (pictured right). The girls were not the only ones
to benef it from the promotion which also gave students free badges, condoms and postcards. Chris Jenkins, 3rd year Biology, commented, "Seeing the Lynx dance done in all the nightclubs is one thing, but girls getting tarted up in the morning for us boys, well its…err, great I suppose.” A life-sized cardboard cut-out of a brunette in a bikini also helped to grab the attention of students. Student brand manager, Luke Hillson, said, "The aim of the promotion was to cause a stir around campus and encourage the guys to impress these freshly manicured ladies". He added, "There were several enquiries about the cut-out. No, doubt, if we hadn’t been on constant surveillance, it would have vanished!".
Quotes of the Week “I think Eminem would be perfect for doing an adaptation of My Fair Lady” Dido: However Newsdesk thinks that TV Holly would also be perfect for the modern day role, bringing her down right dirrty Wrexham ways.
“He took baths in his jeans, hoping they would shrink so he would look like Elvis Presley” The Jewish Chronicle on the young Michael Howard
It seems that free manicures are only the start of a campaign to encourage romance among students. “Lynx have planned a twenty four hour pullathon to take place around the Union some time in the near future,” said Mr Hillson.
“A 24-hour pullathon will take place around the Union in the near future” Luke Hillson Student Brand Manager
THAT CUTOUT: The perfect addition to any blokes’ bedroom
SO NEAR YET SO LEMAR... By Katie Thomas Reporter FAME ACADEMY graduate Lemar has revealed he planned to study at Cardiff University before shooting to fame last year in the BBC talent show. Cardiff University was recommended to Lemar by his biology teacher when he was studying for his three A-levels in Biology, Physics and Chemistry. On achieving impressive BBC grades, he was accepted on to the pharmacy course at Cardiff. When asked if he regrets turning down the chance to do a four-year degree in favour of instant wealth, fame, and a millionaire lifestyle, the R’n’B star surprisingly said, "I do
regret it because I would have had more lie-ins than I have time for now. Hopefully if they’ll have me back you might see me on a campus near you soon." But judging by the phenomenal success of his debut single Dance With You which reached No.2 in the charts, it is likely that studying is the last thing on his mind. Lemar, who has performed with soul legends such as George Benson and Lionel Ritchie, has this advice for aspiring musicians: " If you get offered a place to do pharmacy don’t accept it! “Quit while you’re ahead and get on a reality TV programme, get signed to Sony and get your album on the market place." (Hopefully students of Cardiff will not take this too seriously.)
His 14 track debut album Dedicated which has been dubbed the "soul album of the year" by The Times, is released on November 24th, following the release of his second single "50/50" which is available in shops from November 17th.
LEMAR: just wants to dance
Opinion & Editorial
November 17 2003
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gropinion@cf.ac.uk
gair
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY
By Tristan Thomas gair rhydd Editor
I
n the 1980s gair rhydd ran some storming headlines tearing into a corrupt and ineffective Sabbatical team. In a particularly antagonistic issue, the news team splashed "Guilty", alongside mug shots of the General Secretary and Treasurer. The criticisms were so partisan that a front page apology had to be penned in the following issue. Union politics was exciting then, dominated by big personalities and hugely contrasting views. The gair rhydd simply had to cover them matter-of-factly and still receive accolades for its exciting news section. It seems ridiculous now, but the union electoral system was much closer to the Westminster model. Candidates would have to specify political allegiances at the polling station. The choice for president for example , would normally fall between the Labour candidate and the Tory runner. The infighting and bitchiness that characterises mainstream poli-
rhydd EST. 1972
Student Rant
GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK
tics infiltrated every aspect of Cardiff Students Union. In one memorable incident, a Tory candidate tried to sue the union because he considered his election result fixed. In another, the AGM was stormed and the Executive assaulted by Islamic activists. Why do we not have this passion now? The whole systems is now apolitical for a start, with any preference hidden from the voters rather apathetic eyes. There is also a perception within our student population that you can’t change anything. That whatever you do, the juggernaught that is the ugly redbrick building on Park place, will remain on an unalterable course regardless of our efforts. This is utter bollocks. While the political system in the Students’ Union is more considered than in previous years, it is probably more effective than ever. Student Council allows you to pin down and tear to pieces any of your student representatives. It allows students to directly affect where we are going. If you hate Fun Factory or think O’Brien’s should be thrown out and replaced by a fish and chip shop, you can make it happen. It’s unlike any other political system in Britain.
Jorge Soares
Science loses out to politics
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Student Council meets every other Monday at 6.30pm in the Council room at the top of the union.
Students getting We must stop Bu$h! scapegoated for T violence - mostly... By Andy Williams
By David Jarmain
I
T’S SATURDAY night at Bar Risa. An evening of social drinking transforms into mass disorder as several separate fights merge outside. Police are required and several people are injured. This may sound like an isolated incident, but it is increasingly being seen as a symptom of a larger problem. The problem of excessive ‘binge drinking’ has become a national concern, following a government report that described Britain as ‘the binge drinking capital of Europe’. There have also been findings of a three-fold increase in cirrhosis in the past twenty years by the Chief Medical Officer, while drunken behaviour costs the country millions each year in otherwise unnecessary NHS care and crime. The British Medical Association has even called for a ban on alcohol advertising. Cardiff appears to be no exception. Violent drunken behaviour seems commonplace, especially at popular student locations including Jumpin’ Jaks and Creation. But are students to blame? Or have they just become convenient scapegoats for other residents who are
causing such disorder? Confused, I called the police. Student liaison officer PC Bob Keohane revealed that despite drunken student crime such as loud and disruptive behaviour, road sign theft and even an incident of "car surfing" causing more than £14,000 of damage, students are not that violent. The majority of those arrested by the police for drunken violence are actually non-students. Nevertheless, students are not entirely innocent. Even our own union has seen incidents of violence, where those involved could only be students with NUS cards. Second year Economics student Dee Keshwara claims: “I’ve seen quite a few fights, between ten and fifteen at Come Play. But these fights are often minor and defuse rapidly.” Such acts are also held in contempt by most students. Town Planning student Mike Southall says: “I think it’s a disgrace. We’re supposed to be a student village. We should have a better sense of community.” With more than 30,000 students in Cardiff, a small proportion of violence can only be seen as inevitable. However, students cannot be considered solely responsible for such scenes of disorder in our city centre.
HEY LED us into an illegal war; an illegal war over nonexistent weapons of mass destruction. They ignored the voices of millions of anti-war protestors.They are trampling all over the human and democratic rights of the Iraqi people. Now the warmonger-in-chief George Bush is coming on a state visit to the UK to pet his faithful poodle Tony Blair and to beam back statesmanlike images to his electorate back home in the run-up to the 2004 American elections. Now is our chance to put a spanner in the works, and make sure that Bush goes home with his tail between his legs. The government is already rattled by the embarrassing prospect of massive anti-Bush peace protests. Last week the Home Secretary Jack Straw enraged protestors by saying that their outrage was just a ‘fashionable anti-Americanism’, and
suggesting that the turn-out at the London protests would depend on whether or not it was raining. This week Bomber Blair publicly patronised us by telling us to stop arguing about the past, and to stay away from the protests. Even Bush himself weighed in when Scotland Yard and the Home Office received the president’s security team’s demand that vast swathes of London be completely emptied and closed down during the visit. Behind the proclaimed ‘security issues’ relating to the presidential visit, the attempts of the administration to direct the accompanying American news broadcasts, free of dissenting voices, are thinly veiled. Far from putting protestors off, though, such broadsides have simply strengthened our resolve to show George W Bush what we think of him. What you can do: Wednesday November 19: 12.30pm – Demonstrate outside Cardiff Students’ Union and march into town to join the big lunchtime protest. 5pm – Main Cardiff demo called by the South Wales Coalition to Stop the War. Thursday November 20: National Stop Bush Demonstration in London (cheap student tickets available from Andy Williams on 07754 585856)
AST WEEK, on November 10, a reception took place in the Houses of Parliament. It was organised by Set For Britain, and it was entitled ‘Taking UK Chemistry Research and R&D to Parliament in 2003’. The reception’s main purpose was to bring together people from different backgrounds, especially young researchers and MPs, and to discuss science and research. Three Cardiff University members were present. Only a handful of MPs turned up, however, demonstrating again the lack of interest of the government in science. Another of the objectives was to compete for the best poster. Again, many of the young researchers present were let down by the organisation. The poster judges simply refused to judge several posters. I know this because I called one of the judges passing by, inviting him to see my poster, to which he replied: “I can't, because I am looking for a particular entry!” Another researcher pointed this out to the organisation, to which they replied that there was no time to check all the posters, and furthermore that when the judges passed by the presenters were not standing by their posters. That is simply not true. The reception lasted for three hours, which was more than enough for each judge to see at least half of the posters. The whole procedure was clearly outrageously biased, and its criteria of judgment obscure. The only good thing about the event was the interaction that took place between the poster presenters. Overall, the event was poorly organised, and many of us felt betrayed because of the effort we had put into doing the posters and travelling to the event (some as far afield as Glasgow). This is sad because it shows that people in positions of power in this country are happy to pass on the message to students that it is not the merit that counts, but the right networking.
Fancy a rant? E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk
Opinion
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November 17 2003
icarus500@hotmail.com
Flying too close to the political flame
Bitesize Voici les hypocrites! TWO FRENCH MINISTERS have been caught speeding on their way to the unveiling ceremony of the country’s first speed cameras. Don’t headlines like that make life worth living? Motor magazine Auto Plus said it used hand-held cameras to record transport minister Gilles de Robien cruising out of Paris at 61mph on a road that has a 43mph speed limit. The car chaffeuring law-andorder supremo Nicholas Sarkozy was nabbed doing 63mph. Red-faced officials at de Robien’s office confessed: “We’re not contesting this. The fact that he was running late on this particular day is no excuse.” What next for French politics? Wheelspin Doctors?
University: the training camp for the Workers’ Revolution
E
VER gotten a bad mark for an essay? Handed an assignment in late? Or does that one lecturer just seem to have it in for you? Well, relax! Apparently, it’s not your fault for being a lazy layabout who doesn’t turn up to lecturers and takes the piss when it comes to deadlines. It’s because all lecturers and professors are communists. That’s the considered analysis of the latest bunch of nutters to afflict our campuses – the Young Britons’ Foundation. According to these assorted crazies, University campuses are riddled with left-wing bias and lecturers aren’t interested in teaching, only “indoctrinating”. They even claim to have specific examples of students being bullied and marked down because they won’t swallow the torrent of left-wing propaganda. When challenged to actually produce some evidence, though, YBF boss Donal Blaney merely whined: “”It may well be … that this level of bias doesn’t exist, but certainly anecdotally it appears that it does,” he said. “We’ve received a number of complaints from students suffering bias.” HARD ON THE HEELS of the ‘A number’? What sort of number? news that spending an Five? afternoon in the pub is good The YBF is desperate for the mind, US to “infiltrate” the researchers have Tory student now discovered movement – but that Guinness is unsurprisingly, good for the most sane heart! C o n s e r va t ive s The company don’t want to was told to stop touch them with using its old slogan a barge pole. “Guinness is good Especially for you” years ago, when new leader but now boffins at “Poll Tax Mike” the University of Howard is Wisconsin have valiantly trying to discovered that it drag the party’s might actually be image back to the true. centre-ground. They claim a pint R e t i r i n g of the black stuff Conservative Future works as well as chief Richard Hilton aspirin in reducing the blasted the nutters on risk of the blood clots the BBC’s Today that can trigger fatal programme: heart attacks. Guinness Corp: if “I don’t think But don’t get too you’re reading, feel today’s young excited - they free to give us some p e o p l e were only advertising money w o u l d testing it on recognise the dogs. campuses the YBF is Which has got me describing,” he said. “It’s the reactionary a bit confused. Surely it wouldn’t have been politics of the past, and it’s no longer too difficult to find human test relevant in today’s Britain.” Damien Green, Tory Education volunteers? supremo at the time, agreed. “I don’t I’d have been there like a shot.
Dinner with the Duke! FANCY A DATE with itinerant antiques legend David “the Duke” Dickinson? The great man has teamed up with the government, putting himself up as the prize in a website competition. The aim is to warn all us innocent students that burglars often find student accommodation to be a bit of a “bargain hunt”. The Bargain Boost game allows intrepid surfers to play either Stu Grant, the protector of student halls, or the excellently-named thief Baz Knock Mastero. Said the bronze legend: “Students have always been my biggest supporters and I’m really pleased to be involved with this campaign to make them safer.” Have a go at the game at www.good2bsecure.co.uk, and if you get the highest score you could get to meet the Orange Duke himself! Now there’s an offer you just can’t refuse. I know I’m entering.
A pint of health, please
think it is one of the more serious problems in UK universities,” he remarked. It’ll hardly surprise you to learn that Dull Donal has been forced to fight off accusations of racism, too. The Commission for Racial Equality lodged a complaint against him while he was a Fulham councillor, after he ran a BNP-esque “Fulham Homes for Fulham People” campaign. The website of the Young Briton’s Foundation contains a quote: “There is only one basic right – the right to do whatever you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic responsibility – to accept the consequences.” How ironic. Because the trouble with people like Dull Donal and his silly Foundation is that they just can’t accept responsibility for anything. If they don’t get a good mark, or a good job, or a good wage - it’s not their fault. It’s never their fault. It’s the socialists, you see. The Reds have taken over the Universities, and that’s who’s giving them the crap marks. The Reds have taken over the country too - just look at New Labour with its penny tax hike! The communists have even taken over gair rhydd - just look at this column.
After all, my predecessor said things like “privatising the railways wasn’t such a good idea, after all, was it?” so he must be a communist too. Ridiculous, isn’t it? This sort of paranoid “everyone’s an
enemy” attitude is - like the former Conservative student leader said outmoded, outdated politics of the past. These people need to take a long, hard look at themselves before they criticise others for being ‘extremist’.
He y, it can talk! Collected thoughts from trained chimp and leader of the free world George W. Bush Yeee-haw! Yes, I’m back - even tho Mister Cobley’s gone. But this might be the last liddle ol’ column I write! Mister Icarus hasn’t decided yet whether to keep me or no. He’s bin a-noticin’ that not too many people is likin’ me anymore, I think. I’se comin’ over to your liddle island France soon, but it seems not too many of youse wants me to be there! I don’ unnerstan why... I dun some great things for youse country! I’se made you hated by all them silly Yew-ropeans, I’se dragged you into a bloody war
chasin’ after my “pretend” WMDs, and I’se even gonna be makin’ your climate nice and warm with all my antienvironment laws! But it seems like you’se not appreciatin’ my efforts. It might be as many as 60,000 of you protestin’ when I come to stay next week. So Mister Icarus is thinkin’ maybe you’se don’ wanna be hearin’ from me every week. He’s wrong tho, right? Go on, write to Mr. Icarus at icarus500@hotmail.com and ask him nicely to keep good ol’ Dubya. Otherwise, you might never see me again! See you next week (please)!
Political Opinion
November 17 2003
Page 7
gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk
Wales ripped off Got By Emily Knightley
By Jenna Wilcox
g
air rhydd has discovered that Wales will lose European Union funding due to Westminster’s refusal to give any assurance that the Treasury will provide extra resources to match increased EU funding. In 2000, West Wales and the Valleys were awarded special funding status (known as Objective 1), which allows for increased funding from the European Funding Programme. Objective 1 aims to promote the development and structural adjustment of those regions within the EU whose development is lagging behind. This status is awarded to areas where the GDP per head is less than 75% of the EU average; in West Wales and the Valleys it is just 71%. The money granted to those regions of the European Union under Objective 1 funding must, however, be match funded their governments. In 2000, the UK government recognised the need for the extra funding for Wales and contributed to the money needed to match the funding given by the EU. This has enabled the Welsh Assembly to make the fullest use of European Union funds. The subsidies provided under Objective 1 actually covers four different sources of funding available from the EU: the European Regional Development Fund, the European Social Fund, the European Agricultural Guidance and Guarantee Fund, and the Financial Instrument for Fisheries Guidance. While each of these funds has their own aims, the paramount objective is to revive areas where the decline of traditional industries has caused serious economic and social problems. While Objective 1 only applies to West Wales and the Valleys, Objectives
T
Critical: Jenny Randerson 2 and 3 apply in East Wales. These two objectives allow for financial aid for industrial areas and regions in decline (Objective 2) and to combat long term unemployment (Objective 3). Funding for this is also likely to be affected, though not to the same extent as for Objective 1. The problem originated from the strengthening of the pound against the euro, which means that EU funding for Wales will increase. However, it is this increase with which the Welsh Assembly cannot cope without taking money from other services such as health or education - which would be unacceptable. In response to questioning from Jenny Randerson AM the Economic Development Minister, Andrew Davies, refused to give any assurance that the Treasury will provide extra cash to match increased EU funding. “In failing to give us any reassurances… he is letting Wales down," Jenny Randerson commented. Money which should have been beneficial for the very poorest areas of Wales will now go unused because Westminster has failed to recognise the need for extra money for Wales.
Women attack Bush This time for his war against abortion
By Andrew Caldicott Political Editor
I
t seems George Dubya can’t win. This week the National Union of Students' Women's Campaign have condemned US President George Bush after he legislated against certain types of abortion. Speaking in front of a crowd of cheering politicians and abortion opponents Bush used highly emotive language, describing abortion as “a terrible form of violence directed against children who are inches from birth while the law looks the other way.” NUS Women's Officer Hannah Essex said, "The NUS Women's Campaign believes a woman's right to choose is a fundamental right and one that should be protected. We have long campaigned for restrictions to be lifted on abortion rights, yet in America we have a President dictated to by the right-wing Christian anti-abortion lobby which shows no regard for the rights and concerns of the thousands of
any ID, mate?
women this will affect. While progressive society seeks to move forward and give women the rights they deserve George Bush continues to take enormous leaps backwards on such issues." Bush’s supporters, however, argue that once conceived, a child has the right to life. They also argue that there is the option of adoption, so there is no need for abortion. I can understand both sides of the argument, having been in the position with my ex-fiancée of having to choose. Unfortunately contraception is not 100% reliable, and we were unlucky. We chose to abort since we weren’t in a financial position to support ourselves, let alone a child. It was undoubtedly the wrong option, and we live to regret it. I can assure you, ‘choice’ is overrated. Most of those involved in this fierce debate have never had to face this terrible decision themselves, and reality is considerably different from the hypothetical situation. I just hope for their sakes that they never have to face it for real.
he Home Secretary David Blunkett has recently announced that ID cards will start to be implemented in Britain within four years. These ID cards are intended to replace all the other identification we carry around – passport, national insurance card, driving licence, birth certificate, and so on. Anyone who applies for a new driving licence or passport will automatically get an ID card and will have their personal details put onto a new database – and we may have to pay up to £77 pounds for the privilege. This database will contain personal details of all British and foreign nationals living in Britain; Blunkett hopes it will be up and running within three years. The new cards will store ‘biometric data’: a fingerprint and eye scan that will be used to identify each cardholder. By 2013 80% of us will have these new cards, by which time another vote will be taken
Blunkett: clutching at straws to decide if they should become compulsory in the sense of needing them to gain access to public services such as health, housing and benefits. Blunkett claims that “they will help tackle crime and serious issues facing the UK, particularly illegal working, immigration abuse, ID fraud, terrorism and organised crime.” The police, however, have said that they think the cards will be of little use in the battle
against crime and illegal immigration. Tony Blair, one of Blunkett’s few cabinet supporters, believes that ID cards will ‘protect civil liberties’ and guard against bogus asylum claims. ID cards have not been used in this country since the end of World War II, and it seems that their return has been prompted by the events of September 11 as people become more paranoid about the movements of ‘terrorists’ through Britain. It is, however, hard to see how ID cards could have prevented those terrorists on September 11, but much easier to see how they could be used to discriminate against genuine foreign immigrants. Blunkett plans to use this argument as a weapon against critics of the scheme: “Some people believe there is a sinister motive behind the cards, that they will be part of a Big Brother state. This is wrong. It is a routine fact of life in countries like Belgium.” The government was accused by Mark Littlewood of civil rights group Liberty of trying to introduce ID cards ‘by stealth’.
What’s the bleedin’ truth?
Union Executive in breach of equal opportunities policy? By Tiger Rourke
C
ardiff University Students’ Union has been hailed as the most responsive University in Wales according to the Welsh Blood Service. Just over 1,000 student donors visited the site located in the Great Hall over the past few days ‘give blood’ and ‘give life’. Trudi Evans of the Welsh Blood Service quotes it as being the most successful donation ever with a 12.4% increase in people donating this year over last. But is the Union Executive in breach of our constitution’s equal opportunities policy, which clearly states that ‘direct discrimination occurs when a person or an organisation treats another person less favourably than another person’? Are they acting with appropriate response to the needs of our students, and more importantly to the needs of our male homosexual students, who suffer apparent discrimination at the hands of the Welsh Blood Service? The National Blood Services of the UK have since the early 1980s asked men who have ever had sex with men not to donate blood. At first, this action was motivated by the aim of preventing transmission by transfusion of the infectious agent associated with Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (Aids) - subsequently identified as human immuno-deficiency virus (HIV). This donor selection criterion is now worded, "You must not give blood if you are a man who has ever had oral or anal sex with another man, even using a condom or other protective." So what are our elected executive doing in response to the rights of our
homosexual students? Why must they continue to let the voice of the unethical be louder than those discriminated against? Our Athletic Union is sponsored by the arms touting Rolls Royce and now our Great Hall is playing host to the Welsh Blood Service. Finnbarr Graham, President of the Students’ Union, clearly stated that it is the responsibility of the Students’ Union to represent the views of all our students. As is evidently visible by the sheer volume of student donors present in the Great Hall, it would clearly be unfair to ignore the needs of so many for the needs of so few. This seemed to be the view reciprocated by the general student population. However, all interviewed agreed that though more needs to be done to find a compromise it cannot be reached through sacrifice of the current situation or patient care. James and Hannah, first year computer science and psychology students, both agreed that the current system of blood donation is far from ideal but far better than a blood shortage. Finnbarr also stated that he had passed on the concerns of our students to the Welsh Blood Service and invited a guest speaker from WBS to engage in a discussion with students on this topic. "The decision is not mine to be made, it is the decision of the student body. I believe there is room for discussion on both sides and in fact this issue was raised in the Students’ Union Council only recently,” Finnbarr said. "I don’t believe we are in breach of the constitution and its equal opportunities policy because the Welsh Blood Service refuse to
take blood from other groups of people, including all those who have travelled to parts of the world where HIV/Aids are very common and to those who have taken drugs - including bodybuilding drugs." Fourth year medical student Emma Carver was herself refused the right to donate blood because of her expedition to South America which left Emma with the bacterial infection ‘trypansoma cruzi’, more commonly known as ‘chagas’. Dr Dick Jones of the Welsh Blood Service believes that it is not a case of discrimination and instead a "risk assessment with priority given to patient care." Gay and Bisexual Men’s Officer Lee Gregory suggests that gay men do not demand to give blood, but instead ask for the right to decide if they should give blood or not. Dr. Dick Jones also adds that "everybody has the right to volunteer and donate blood; however, not everyone has the right to insist blood is taken. That right and therefore responsibility lies with the blood service with respect to patient care." It is a requirement that the Welsh Blood Service does not discriminate but merely carries out regular risk assessments; this is borne out in all the literature investigated. It would appear that no one is safe from refusal as ‘other risk groups are gaining in relative importance for the risk of transfusion-transmitted HIV infection, and ongoing evaluation of all donor-selection criteria is also recommended.’
What do YOU think? Contact us at gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk
Letters
November 15 2003
Page 9
grletters@cf.ac.uk
The gair rhydd Letters Page Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. If your letter is here, come on up to the office to collect them. We can’t be arsed to chase you.
Personally, I think Cobley’s page was a credit to the paper - it is difficult to approach such a dry subject every week and make it consistently accessible, readable and often funny.
Tory Boy Dear gair rhydd,
are very helpful, but I take exception to having my balls busted for asking uni staff to do their damn job! Yours, Team Ryan
Like shooting fish in a barrel Dear gair rhydd,
S This week’s Letter of the Week is the letter ‘S’. ‘S’ is the 19th letter of the alphabet, a consonant, and often referred to as a sibilant, in allusion to its ‘hissing’ sound. ‘S’ is a particularly useful letter - you can use it to spell words like ‘shit’, ‘shoddy’, and ‘singularly uninteresting’... This is why there is no Letter of the Week. I’m keeping the elusive cinema tickets for myself, until you people find it among yourselves to write something worthy of reward. That should mean I’ll be going to watch Kill Bill at least another 3 times this semester. You’re university students for Pete’s sake. Don’t tell me you can turn in a scintillating thinkpiece - well reasoned, researched and referenced, on the impact of modern day capitalism on the domination of the petit bourgeosie, but you can’t write a letter that deserves two tickets to the local flea-pit. Quit your degrees and go and do a City & Guilds, or perhaps a course in finger-painting.
James Anthony
WarMeansDeath Dear gair rhydd, I can't believe no one has replied to this fool yet, so I’ll take the burden on myself. It’s staggering how somebody at uni can be so stupid. I think the problem with there being no WMDs found, Mark, is that our government told us that they were there. They assured us time and time again, that they were there, and they had evidence. When a government lies to its people, that really isn’t a good thing. When a government lies to its people so they can go and kill innocent people, that's about the worst thing a government can do. So what if Iraqi oil was a big part of the equation? Well, there was a little thing called the first Gulf War, where Iraq invaded Kuwait for its oil. We had a problem with this and stepped in. Don't you think it's a dangerous precedent when America basically says it's one rule for themselves and one rule for the others. My personal favourite part of the letter: "...new, democratic, capitalist Iraq". Putting democratic and capitalist in the same sentence would be foolish enough, but right next to each other! Capitalism and democracy do not coexist very well, just look at America right now. Corporations and government are so intertwined in America; it's becoming difficult to tell them apart. Hell, they even involve the same people! How long before Halliburton becomes a political party? On freeing them from a repressive regime, in the words of an Iraqi: "ten years of tyranny is better than one year of anarchy". Yours, Mark (second year genetics).
Newsflash: Cobley: Someone agrees Dear gair rhydd, I’m in shock. I agree with something Comrade Cobley said (about how we should make the effort for remembrance, and his disdain for the sick little bastard who attacked a British Legion chap giving out poppies), and yet he’s leaving (I had hoped he’d take my advice and bugger off to North Korea). Although, I will admit that even I will miss his smarmy, smug face staring up from the pages of GR every Monday morning. Still, I guess I’ll just have to live with it, let’s hope his replacement gives us as many opportunities for laughter. Anyway, there was something in his article that that raised my eyebrow (there had to be something, after all), insofar as the apparent apologist attitude Mark has for rapists. I’m sure I must have misread it, but "uncontrollable urges" as reason for rape? Give me a break, I’ve got another explanation, they’re sick bastards who deserve to be put against a wall and shot. Perhaps it’s best Comrade Cobley’s going over the yonder, I fear any more of his perverse socialist crap and I’d have developed some uncontrollable urges of my own. Yours, (now happy) second year. Mark Cobley’s page wasn’t for everyone. It’s virtually impossible to produce a political page every week without offending somebody’s sensibilities.
In last weeks letters page Harry E Rose complained about your political coverage. Although his points about the young of today moaning about being disenfranchised are well made, he still felt the need to launch into the stereotypical student anti-Tory rant. How many Tory MPs has he spoken to? Would he care to name any? The sad fact is that he has tarred the many with the brush of the few. We all know about the Archer and Aitken scandals and few in the Tory party would seek to defend what they did. Most Tories I'm sure would take great issue with his choice to pick only on the Tories. It may come as a shock to Harry but corruption is not solely confined to the Tory party. The Hinduja affair, the Mandelson/Robinson loan scandal, the way the case for war was made have all been a blight on Labour's six years in power. And as for lying, bastion of the old left in the labour party Diane Abbott recently proved herself to be morally bankrupt by sending her son to an independent school after years of berating her colleagues for doing just that! I also read in last week’s edition that Mark "Richard Littlejohn of the left" Cobley is no longer writing his column - what a shame. Let’s have somebody writing a less blinkered view of current affairs as opposed to the cliched far left student nonsense.
In the words of Nevern 5… "Oh my fuck!" What a relief to turn on ITV and actually see a ‘REAL’ family, without ‘Beckingham Palace’ in sight! Bryan McFadden and Kerry Katona fronted the Frank Skinner Show and actually showed us ‘ordinary’ people that being married to a Westlifer is no bed of roses! His female exploits have challenged the family and their relationship; still they both seemed to be at ease with the past. Kerry’s leave from Atomic Kitten was provoked by a job from SM:TV Live, which was shortly withdrew due her pregnancy, and the influential effect it may have on young viewers… Still a gay presenter appears to have caused no controversy. This retraction from the show has led her to lead a fulfilled family life, which appeared to be head of her agenda. The down-to-earth couple were a welcome relief from an over admired portion of this population that we see throughout the media.
Letters is supported by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff They disagreed like an average couple… He got "tipsy" like an average male… And Frank Skinner, as always, asked the controversial questions… Still they’re together… Kerry is appearing in The Vagina Monologues in Manchester, while Bryan is releasing yet another cheesy single that we can all get our grooves on to! What more can we ask for from this picture perfect couple? Yours, Gemma Vardon Gah! Must... resist... overwhelming desire... to.. mock... Must repress... urge to subject such material to... callous taunting... It’s unnecessary - this letter speaks for itself.
07791 165 837
Yours, True Blue Fresher
Monstrosity busts balls... Dear gair rhydd, Is it just me, or does it piss anyone else off just how rude the uni staff are? I spent all summer in Cardiff, trying to get a student certificate from the academic registry to keep the council at bay. Each time I went, I was met with a pug-faced woman who berated me for pressing the attention buzzer, while she sat on her fat arse, drinking Irish coffee at 10 in the morning, and munching on a Slimfast-wannabe chocolate bar. Lady – that recent advert in the gair rhydd was for you; you need Slimfast because I recently lost my wallet, along with all my cards and NUS. Granted, that was my fault, so I dutifully went to the security building to get a new one. I may as well have been asking for the eradication of third world debt, for all the effort it took the decaying monstrosity to walk all of three yards to her computer to print a new one off. My fees pay your wages love, use them to stop your breasts from dragging on the floor. I don’t want to tar all staff with same brush, some
hannah jomec 3 days giving out nus cards. My 3 days spent in lectures 4 no money so stop moaning and do a proper degree. it’s official: Telekinesis does not work! The thunderbirds game in the taf is primed for a jackpot. congrats rat4completin new york marathon+beatin that twat p diddy hugs+kisses housemates
Does IMG rugby not exist? where are our featured matchs or even results!? Well? Where are they? Congrats to Mullet and Kat on their engagement. He’s an insatiable bugger, she says... if death comes near me, i’ll rip his nipples off! Mmmm tesco value midget gems. yummy. Full of the colourings i need to keep me awake long into the night.
Text the gair rhydd letters page
Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.
Listings
Page 10
November 17 2003
grlistings@cf.ac.uk
Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman
Monday17/11
Fun Factory @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am Free before 11, £2 after Saucy Monkey @ Creation Student classics £3/2 Poohyerpants @ Liquid Student session. Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance. 50p per drink before 11, £1 after. Casual dress £2 (NUS) Student night @ Evolution £3 (NUS) Live @ The Barfly The Ga Ga's / Jinxed / White Heat Doors: 8pm, £4 Adv. Smell the Glove @ Barfly Good-time rock’n’roll 11pm-2am. £2 (NUS) Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night Free entry Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play from 8pm. £1.50 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and cheerful chart night 7.30pm-2am. £1.50/3 DJ Mix selector @ Sam’s Bar Live turntable action. £3 Salsa night @ Bar Med Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The slug and Lettuce From 7pm Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Sammo Hung / Mountain Men Anonymous 8pm. £4 Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC bar at 8pm for the film at 9pm, Mulholland Drive. And collect your free tickets for Spun on Sunday. Blue @ CIA Night two. £23.50
Tuesday18/11
Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm, show 9pm, £2 (NUS) Vodka Republic @ Creation £2 (NUS) Live @ Barfly Speedway / Blast (Russia) / The Toe / Desensitised. Doors: 8pm, £4 adv Indie Mayhem @ The Barfly 10.30pm-2am £2 (NUS) /£1 Indie Soc, Oddsoc, LMS. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors: 9pm, £2.50 (NUS) I Hear A New World @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Downstairs) Electronica, psychedelia, downtempo, krautrock. Doors: 10pm, £2 (NUS) Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Bar till 2am, happy hour drinks all night. Free Funky town @ Stylus Commercial disco, R&B flavas. 9pm-2am, £2 (NUS) Chill out @ The Philharmonic Free Quiz night @ Club X Face Dr Beverley Ballcrusher for cash prizes. Table service on drinks from 9pm so you can keep your head together! 6pm-11pm. Free Cheese nation @ Jumpin’ Jaks Student night, 8pm-2am offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, d’n’b with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code. 9pm-3am. Free before 11pm, £1.50 after International night @ Journeys 4pm-midnight Salsa night @ Bar Cuba £4 a lesson Home @ The Toucan Featuring some of the best bands on the local scene in an informal setting. Open mic sessions from 8pm Jane McDonald @ St David’s Hall 7:30pm, £15.50 - £17.50 - £20.00 Blue @ CIA Night three. £23.50
Wednesday19/11
Rubber Duck Club Night @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Student Session @ Liquid Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance. Drinks 99p before midnight, £1.50 after £2 (NUS) Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set. Noon-2.30pm. Free Live @ The Barfly Luma Lane (Twisted Nerve) / Mugison / Circle Boy. Doors: 8pm. £4 adv Express @ Barfly Party hip-hop featuring resident DJs, turntablists and breakdancers. 10.30pm-2am, £1 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco Popscene: Indie Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS) Tokyo-yo @ Moloko Resident DJs play a crazy mix of cool rare groove. Drinks promotions. Relax @ Stylus 80s, 9pm-2am, £2 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Wednesdays @ Club X Chart and mix, 7.30pm2am, £1.50/3 Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks 70s. Cheapskates @ Metros Alternative and cheese. Double shot and mixer 80p. No dress code. 9pm-2am Wednesdays @ Sam’s Bar Live bands, £2 Indie Box @ Journeys 4pm-midnight Latin Night @ Life Latin music and salsa lessons, £2 2 for 1 cocktails @ The Slug and Lettuce The City of Cardiff Concert Band @ Cathays Methodist Church (Crwys Road, opposite Dominos) Playing a selection of popular light music including pieces by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Queen, Bach, Shostakovich, Sousa and Sullivan. 7.30pm. £4/£3. Boomshanka @ The Toucan 60s/70s acoustic soul and hippy funk The Russian State Opera Of Rostov @ St David’s Hall The Barber Of Seville by Rossini. Sung in Russian with English surtitles. 7.30pm, £15.50 - £32.50 Blue @ CIA Night four (last one!). £23.50 What will we do tomorrow night now?
Thursday20/11
Climax @ Solus, SU 9pm-3am, £3 (NUS) Usual Suspects @ Creation Chart, dance, indie, old school Fresh City @ Liquid Cardiff’s premiere R&B session (apparently). With resident DJ Raheem (Vibe 101) and MC Echo. £2.50 drinks. Casual, no headgear Thursday night fever @ Barfly Put on your dancing shoes for extreme cheese, 10.30pm-2am, £2 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Diablo / Suns Of Thunder / The Volume Project. 8pm, £3.50 Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska. Doors: 10pm, £3 (NUS) Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, d’n’b, breaks. Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am. Free before 11pm, £1 after Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and R&B, 9pm-2am, £2 (NUS) Shag-tag @ Bar X Free before midnight, £2 after Thursdays @ Exit Club Red Dragon Radio @ Jumpin Jaks High school hits Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, ska, reggae Northern Soul @ Journeys Ska, reggae, 60s, mod. 4pm-midnight Twisted by Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm-2am. Free entry Higher Learning @ The Toucan Celebrating their birthday - Welsh Music Awards winners continue their night which unites the local hip-hop community. Start of the Higher Learning Hunting season, witness the action from 10pm. All Things Balance Out Physically Most Surely @ Chapter Arts Centre (The scandalous story of Egon Schiele) Thurs Nov 20 - Sat Nov 22 8pm, £7.50/£5 Jimmy Tarbuck's Christmas Cracker @ St David’s Hall 7.30pm, from £12.50
Listings
November 17 2003
Page 11
grlistings@cf.ac.uk
Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy
Friday21/11
Friday Formula @ Creation Three floors of commercial and old school. £5/4 Drink Free @ Liquid Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance. Smart: no ripped jeans or trainers £3 entry (NUS) before 11pm, including three bottles Live @ Barfly Jay Farrar (Uncle Tupelo) / Peter Bruntnell Band. Doors 8pm. £8 adv Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats, party tunes 10.30pm-2am, £3 Silent Running @ Clwb Ifor Bach (top two floors) London Elektricity Live 10pm. £10 adv The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach (downstairs) Guest DJs every week, Psych, pop, freakbeat, garagerock, punk, R&B and beyond Doors: 10pm, £3 Forward Motion @ Moloko Free before 11pm Fridays @ Exit Club Chart and mix 7.30pm-2am, £1.50/3 Dueling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Live for the weekend Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and good grooves. 8pm-2am. Free Soul Dreams @ Journeys Old school R&B UpToNoGood @ The Lounge Chunky, funky vocal house. Free Lemonsky Special @ The Toucan This week featuring the band Jerona Fruits. DJ Kris downstairs. Cool House @ Stylus Deep, twisted, tech house, With Dave Mills, Damon Williams, Matt Joy, Andrew Aubrey. 10pm–3am. £4 (NUS) BBC National Orchestra and Chorus of Wales @ St David’s Hall Sea and Stars: Three great English classics: BRIDGE: The Sea, WALTON: Cello Concerto, HOLST: The Planets. 7.30pm. From £9.50 Pre-Concert Talk @ St David’s Hall The talk begins at 6.30 pm in the St Asaph Room on Level 3. Please call the BBC Call Now Line on 0800 0521812 to reserve your place.
Where? Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place, 02920 878889. The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History & Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street, Cardiff Bay, 02920 256757 CBAT Gallery 123 Bute Street, 029 2048 8772 National Museum and Gallery Cathays Park, 02920 397951 Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 12920 224488 St David’s Hall The Hayes Enq: 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs Stylus
Saturday22/11
Come Play @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Glamorous @ Creation £5 (NUS) All Inclusive @ Liquid Pay on the door and pay no more! Dress code: smart. Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance £10 (NUS) Live @ Barfly The Dirtbombs / Sammo Hung / Nikolai Doors 8pm, £6 adv Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco 10.30pm-2am £3 (NUS) Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach British Sea Power / The Killers 8pm, £7 adv The Moxie Plenty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (top floor) Alternative hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk, punk Doors: 11pm, £3 (NUS) Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm ’n’blues bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Music, comedy and meaningless banter Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro. 9pm-3am R&B @ Bar Ice Free entry Party Night @ Bar Med Resident DJs, 9pm-2am Funk Dulux @ The Lounge Funky US house and garage Free entry Saturday Night Comedy @ Jongleurs The Mothership @ The Toucan The excellent B Hut return led by the superb vocalist Rachel. They play original funk and jazzy beats. DJ support by Krissy and Lions. Tim Russell @ Stylus With the Funk Mafia 10pm-4am, £10 / £8 (NUS) Martyn Joseph @ St David’s Hall plus special guest Amy Wadge This acclaimed Welsh singer-songwriter returns to his native Cardiff. 8pm, £12.50
Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (Club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jaks Millenium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millenium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary Henry’s
Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (Wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans Church Street O’Neill’s Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (Wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (Philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street
Sunday23/11
Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7.30. £3 per team Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris, £3 Taxi @ Moloko World music till midnight. Free entry Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free entry Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3 Acoustic Bite @ Journeys Atmospheric acoustic, 11am-midnight DJ Joe Gulis @ Walkabout The Acoustic Lounge @ The Toucan The best local singer-songwriters and musicians play in an informal setting with open mic sessions from 8pm. Tapas available Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Desensitized / Naked Rain / 4 Ways To Fall/ Carsondown 8pm, £3 Sing-Along-A Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat @ St David’s Hall See the film version of the smash hit musical by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd-Webber, starring Donny Osmond as Joseph with Joan Collins and Richard Attenborough and, with the help of subtitles, sing along. Hmmm... no comment! 2.30pm and 7pm. £12 matinee, £14 evening. Cardiff Film Society @ UGC Screening of Spun. Starring: Brittany Murphy, Mickey Rourke, Mena Suvari and Debbie Harry (!!). Soundtrack by Billy Corgan. 6.30pm. Free. Get tickets in advance: 1) At the Film Soc meeting, 8-9pm on Monday, top floor bar of UGC (you can even stay for the Film Soc screening of Mulholland Drive if you want). 2) Email your name and how many tickets you want (no more than two per person) to filmsociety@cf.ac.uk. You can then pick them up at 6pm (rather than 6.30pm) on the day of the film. We'll be standing down in the UGC foyer. 3) Come and find us in the Humanities Café from 1-2pm on Tuesday November 18.
CinemaFestival This Week Only at UGC: Saturday 6pm - Crime Spree 7pm - The I Inside 8.30pm - Freaky Friday 9.30pm - Any Way The Wind Blows Sunday 6pm - Bitter Victory 7pm - Do Fish Do It? 8.30pm - The Overeater 9.30pm - When The Right One Comes Along 10.30pm - The Last Horror Movie Monday 6pm - Kitchen Stories 7pm - Science Fiction 8.30pm - Love Actually 9.30pm - June Moon 10.30pm - Dark Woods Tuesday 6pm - No Rest For The Brave 7pm - Screen Gems 8.30pm - Intermission 9.30pm - My Mother 10.30pm - Returner Wednesday 6pm - One For The Road 7pm - My First Miracle 8.30pm - Dogville 9.30pm - The Longing 10.30pm - Anatomy 2 Thursday 6pm - A Tale Of A Naughty Girl 7pm - Schultze Gets The Blues 8.30pm - It's All About Love 9.30pm - The Bend 10.30pm - Kiss Of Life
CinemaWeek Back To UGC... Love Actually (15) Advance screenings Sunday Nov 16 and Thursday Nov 20 Sun, 7.30, 8.15 Thurs, 11.50, 2.15, 3.00, 5.15, 5.50, 8.15, 8.45 Opens Friday 21 Fri 21 and Sat 22, 2.15, 5.15, 8.15 Sun 23rd onward, 2.00, 5.00, 8.00 Late show Fri 21 and Sat 22 only, 11.10 The Singing Detective (15) Fri 11.00, 1.20, 6.00, 8.45 Sat - Thurs 11.00, 1.20, 3.50, 6.20, 8.29 Seabiscuit (Pg) Fri 11.00, 2.00, 5.20, 8.30 Sat - Thurs 11.00, 2.00, 5.10, 8.20 In America (15) Fri 10.50, 1.10, 3.40, 8.50 Sat 10.50, 1.10, 3.40, 6.15, 8.50 Mon 10.50, 1.10, 3.40 Tues 10.50, 1.10 Wed 10.50, 1.10, 3.40, 6.15, 8.50 Alien: Directors Cut (15) Contains strobe lighting effects Late show Fri and Sat only 11.45 Holes (Pg) Sat and Sun 11.20, 2.15 Intolerable Cruelty (12a) Contains moderate sex references and one use of strong language Fri 11.00, 1.20, 3.40, 6.10, 8.40 Sat and Sun 6.10, 8.40 Mon - Thurs 11.00, 1.20, 3.40, 6.10, 8.40 Late show Fri and Sat only 11.10 The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (12a) Contains moderate violence and horror Fri 11.55, 2.40, 8.00 Sat 11.55, 2.40, 5.25, 8.00 Sun 11.55, 2.40, 5.25 Mon and Tues 11.55, 2.40, 5.25, 8.00 Wed 11.55, 2.40 Late show Fri and Sat only 10.50 Cardiff University Film Society Film Of The Week (open to all customers) Mulholland Drive (15) Mon 9.00 Taking Sides (15) Features Q&A with 2003 Oscar winner Ron Harwood Sun 7.00 Elf (Pg) Saturday 15 and Sunday 16 Sat 10.30, 12.30, 2.30, 4.30, 6.30 Sun 10.30, 12.30, 2.30, 4.30 Matrix Revolutions (15) Fri 11.15, 11.55, 12.50, 2.15, 3.00, 5.30, 6.15, 8.00, 8.40, 9.15 Sat - Thurs 11.15, 11.55, 1.45, 2.15, 3.00, 4.45, 5.15, 6.00, 7.45, 8.30, 9.00 Late show Fri and Sat only 11.00, 11.30 Miranda (15) 9.30 My Life Without Me (15) Fri 11.50, 2.45, 6.00, 8.20 Sat 11.50, 2.45, 5.20, 8.00 Sun 11.50, 2.45 Mon - Thurs 11.50, 2.45, 5.20, 8.00 In The Cut (18) Fri 11.45, 3.05, 5.50, 8.30 Sat and Sun 5.50, 8.30 Mon - Thurs 11.45, 3.05, 5.50, 8.30 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (18) Fri 11.20, 1.40, 4.00, 6.20, 9.15 Sat 9.15 Sun - Thurs 11.20, 2.00, 4.20, 6.40, 9.15 Late show Fri and Sat only 11.50 Kill Bill (18) Fri 11.55, 2.30, 5.50, 8.45 Sat and Sun 5.30, 8.45 Mon - Thurs 11.55, 2.30, 5.30, 8.45 Late show Fri and Sat only 11.20 Finding Nemo (U) Fri 11.00, 1.45, 4.15 Sat and Sun 11.00, 11.55, 1.00 1.45, 2.30, 3.30, 4.30, 7.00 Mon - Thurs 11.00, 1.45, 4.30, 7.00 Senior Screen Thursday Only £1.70 Per Ticket The Four Feathers (15) Starts 11.00 Finish 12.30
Free Stuff
Page 12
November 17 2003
grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk
grab!
“Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” Vincent Van Gogh
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! As well as celebrating the big seven-five-o, we’re also raising our glasses to five issues of grab! this week. I like to celebrate in style so I’ve been pestering companies all week to blag a great selection of prizes, collectively worth over £500. To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeonhole in the gair rhydd office, or email them to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk.
hree things that all the blokes I know love (in no particular order): beer, girls, and paintball. There’s something about charging out on to battlefields, guns blazing, united by the unyielding determination to blast twenty or so strangers into oblivion and raise their flag in glory. It’s war without the death and severed limbs; just a nice pattern of bruises to show off on the journey home. In the words of The Fast Show’s Dave and Lindsay, “It’s gripped; it’s sorted; it’s the bollocks…” That’s not to say it’s just for the boys. Paintball also gives
budding GI Janes the chance to exercise their trigger fingers, and they seem to take equal satisfaction in decorating anything that moves with paint, often with a worrying amount of pleasure and venom. They also, in my bitter experience, take little heed to rules about not shooting a man when he’s down. In the arse. It stings like hell you know! I’ve played at several paintballs across the UK and can say that Taskforce in Cowbridge has the friendliest atmosphere, the best organisation and is by far the most inventive of the lot. It consists of thirty acres of
bunkers, a village, a real helicopter, a bridge, (with adjacent aerial walkways), a munitions dump, tree houses, tunnels and many other features. Rather than just variations on ‘capture the flag,’ it offers inventive and exhilarating scenarios, including ‘The Helicopter Insertion’, ‘The Village – Terminate the President’ and ‘Information Retrieval.’ It’s as close to real warfare as a load of big kids in boiler suits and plastic masks squirting paint at each other can get. We’ve teamed up with Taskforce to offer three full day passes, which include a full
Take to the skies I
t is the distant future. You are Jason ‘Wolf’ Scott (Jason Scott obviously didn’t sound heroic enough), a rookie pilot loyal to the government air force of the Galactic Federation, defending your planet against an invasion force from one of the lost colonies. Both sides are developing a large variety of military hardware – heavily armed combat aircraft, as well as surface war machines designed for a variety of military purposes, offering different capabilities and using unique combat techniques.
Echelon Wind Warriors, the sequel to Echelon, which was given 82% in PC Gamer, is a realistic and graphically advanced flight simulation which takes you close to the earth’s surface, over huge plains, among mountains and in canyons where the battle arena is often reduced to tens of metres. It boasts photo realistic 3D landscapes, detailed building and vehicle models, and top-notch special effects. There are 40 single-player levels, as well as new multi-player arenas. It’s been described as “well worth getting hold of” by Lee from Sussex and “better than watching Cardiff City” by Rob from Swansea. You can win yourself a copy of the game for the PC and a joystick by answering the question below. Four runner-ups will grab themselves copies of the game.
This week’s winner is Tao Lei who studies languages at the University of Wales, Swansea
If you could empty a round of paint pellets at one celebrity, who would it be and why? (Keep it to a sentence, I don’t want essays!)
J
DOREEN BOND
‘Who?’ I hear you ask. 75-yearold grandma Doreen struck it lucky this week when she bought a digital camera and memory card from Argos, only to find it was loaded with pics of a naked Asian beauty in the bath and shower. The ungrateful OAP was reportedly “horrified” and her daughter complained, “My mum shouldn’t have to see things like that.” Some people just don’t know when they’ve won.
alling all alcoholics! I’m proud to announce that grab! is launching a social experiment on the streets of Cardiff, and we’re looking for student participants. Armed with a bottle of Aftershock and a list of tasks, I’m going to be taking to the streets in a mission to find out the lengths students will go for free alcohol. Each week, the most worthy (read: desperate alcoholic) student will not only grab themselves a bottle of Aftershock, they’ll also get the eternal fame of having their photo on this page, illustrating just how far they went. You could be the first if you email me and tell me how far you would go. The best suggestion will get a bottle of Aftershock… of course on the condition that they carry out their task. Title all e-mails: ‘I’ve got the bottle’.
Win PS2 games
ust when you thought it was To win, just answer the following safe to leave the house and question: get a social life, grab! have got three more reasons for Echelon Wind Warriors paints a you to stay in and play bleak picture of a divided society with your joypads. We’ve gripped in a brutal conflict between got copies of three machines built with the sole purcracking pose of ultimate destruction, with new PS2 the survival of mankind under seri- games to ous threat; but can you name three give away. words (not names) beginning and First up, ending with the letter ‘B’? there’s the new FIFA game, which now gives you the chance to play with first division teams. Fingers crossed that they’ll go one step further in the next installment and give me the chance to lead the mighty Swindon Town to world domination. Next up there’s SSX3, the
WINNER OF THE WEEK
C
Shocking behaviour!
acclaimed snowboarding simulation that received 94% in PlayStation magazine. Finally, you can get your hands on the new Simpsons game, Hit And Run, which is billed as the Simpsons’ answer to Grand Theft Auto and word is that it’s actually pretty good, unlike previous Simpsons offerings. To get your hands on any of the three, just say in your e-mail which game you would like – we won’t even make you answer a question. Just show a bit of fucking gratitude.
grab the new Jarcrew album We’ve got five copies of the new Jarcrew album (check out this week’s Quench for our music editor’s verdict) to give away. To win, e-mail grab! your answer to the following question: How many members are there in Jarcrew?
WIN!
Livefree4aweek.net
day’s play (10-12 games), a semi-automatic paintball marker gun, protective goggles and face mask, protective camouflage overalls, your first 400 paint pellets and a substantial lunch. If you win, you can go alone or take your friends – get them to enter and they might just win too. All that stands in your way is the following question:
WIN!
T
Win a day’s paintball action
POST-MATCH ANALYSIS Angel Subscription
Last week’s answers and winners
Answer: As a tribute to last week’s Winner of the Week, the difference was that Angel had a big handlebar moustache in the second picture. Missed it? Have another look. Winner: Liz Davies
There’s still time to enter the HMV and Lynx/Twister comps from last week. Check last week’s issue for details.
Taf-Od
17 Tachwedd 2003
Tud 13
grtafod@cf.ac.uk
Neuadd Gymraeg neu Ddim? Gwreichion yn tasgu o hen bwnc llosg Gan Rhys Iorwerth
Senghennydd - yn ddigon i’r Cymry Cymraeg?
Welsh Not Annwyl Taf-Od, Mae cael gwelliant sylweddol yn narpariaeth y Gymraeg o fewn y sector addysg uwch yn angenrheidiol os ydym am weld datblygiad a chynnydd cyson yn nefnydd yr iaith. Mae’r sefyllfa bresennol yn annigonol. O’r herwydd, dylem oll, boed yn siaradwyr Cymraeg ai peidio, gefnogi myfyrwyr Undeb Aberystwyth yn eu brwydr dros goleg ffederal. Nid yw addysg Gymraeg yn ystyriaeth wirioneddol i Jane Davidson ac i lywodraeth y Cynulliad. Mae’r Gweinidog yn gwrthod un syniad ymarferol ar ôl y llall, ac wedi gwrthod cyllido hyrwyddo addysg uwch trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg. Diolch i Jane Davidson, does yna ddim digon o gyllid i sicrhau fod y polisïau iaith newydd yn cael eu gweithredu. Wrth gwrs, mae hyn oll yn cyferbynnu â thargedau’r llywodraeth. Mae llywodraeth y Cynulliad am weld 7% o fyfyrwyr yn y sector addysg uwch yng Nghymru yn dilyn o leiaf elfen o’u cwrs drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg. Ond nid yw’n bosibl anelu’n realistig tuag at darged o’r fath heb adnoddau digonol – adnoddau sy’n cael eu gwrthod gan y gweinidog addysg. Rhaid symud y Gymraeg o ymylon ein sefydliadau addysg uwch fel ei bod hi’n bosibl i’r Gymraeg ffynnu, ac fel bod y Gymraeg yn chwarae rôl allweddol yn y system addysg uwch. Os ddim, iaith ‘amser chwarae’ fydd y Gymraeg, nid iaith dysg a dawn. I sicrhau twf sylweddol yn y Gymraeg felly, mae’n hanfodol y caiff argymhellion Bwrdd Dysgu y Prifysgolion eu cefnogi’n ariannol. Ar hyn o bryd, gan fod cyn lleied o Gymraeg yn y system addysg uwch, mae llai a llai o gyrsiau lefel A yn cael eu haddysgu trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg – a hynny gan nad yw’r plant am ddysgu pwnc trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg ble yr addysgir y pwnc yn y Saesneg yn y brifysgol. Nid yw’n bosibl gor-bwysleisio pwysigrwydd rôl y Gymraeg yn y sector addysg uwch ar holl system addysg Cymru. Beth wnawn ni fel myfyrwyr yng Nghaerdydd i sicrhau gwell darpariaeth? Gwenllian Lansdown Cadeirydd Ffederasiwn Myfyrwyr Plaid Cymru
Taith Annibyniaeth
BYDD CYFARFOD cyhoeddus yn cael ei gynnal yn Ystafell Rona Griffiths, sydd ar bedwerydd llawr yr Undeb, am 8.00pm nos Lun, Tachwedd 17. Y ddadl ynghylch annibynniaeth i Gymru fydd y pwnc dan sylw, ac yn annerch y gynulleidfa bydd Dafydd Iwan a Leanne Wood AC. Mae nosweithiau tebyg eisoes wedi’u cynnal mewn trefi eraill ac roedd yr ymateb bryd honno yn frwd. Mae croeso cynnes i bawb - a gobeithio am ddadl dda!
MAE’R DDADL ynghylch sefydlu neuadd Gymraeg wedi codi’i phen eto ar ôl i erthyglau ymddangos yn y wasg yn cwestiynu sefyllfa’r iaith yma ym Mhrifysgol Caerdydd. Cyhoeddwyd stori mewn cylchgrawn cenedlaethol yn ddiweddar yn trafod cyflwr y Gymraeg yn y coleg, tra bo Gwenllian Lansdown, Cadeirydd Ffederasiwn Myfyrwyr Plaid Cymru, yn mynegi pryder am yr un peth mewn llythyr yn Taf-Od heddiw. Protest yn Aberystwyth fis diwethaf yn erbyn prinder addysg Gymraeg sydd wedi cynhyrfu’r dyfroedd. Arweiniodd hynny at honiadau fod y sefyllfa yn y brifddinas yn fwy argyfyngus byth, ond fod myfyrwyr Caerdydd yn rhy ddifater i fwrw barn na chodi llais. Mae rhai o aelodau’r coleg wedi ateb yn ôl, fodd bynnag, ac wedi tynnu sylw at y gwahaniaethau mawr sydd yn ein sefyllfa ni o’i chymharu â’r drefn yn rhai o’r colegau eraill. Er bod Aberystwyth a Bangor yn cael eu gweld fel sefydliadau mwy ‘Cymreig’, mae’n bosibl honni mai bodolaeth undebau a neuaddau Cymraeg sy’n rhoi sail i hynny’n unig. "Rhaid cofio fod gan Bangor neuadd JMJ ac UMCB" meddai Anna Gruffudd, y Swyddog Materion Cymreig yng Nghaerdydd, "a bod gan Aber neuadd Pantycelyn ac UMCA. Yn absenoldeb y naill a’r
llall, mae hi’n bosibl dweud fod myfyrwyr Caerdydd dan anfantais o ran hybu sefyllfa’r Gymraeg." Nid dyma fydd y tro cyntaf – na’r olaf, yn ddigon siwr – i’r galw am sefydlu neuadd Gymraeg ddod i’r amlwg. Mae’r ddadl wedi ffrwtian ers degawdau ac mae hi’n dal i chwythu stêm ymhlith y rhai sy’n credu nad ydi’r ‘fflatiau’ Cymraeg yn Senghennydd yn ddigonol. Maen nhw’n mynnu mai neuadd ydi’r unig ateb a’i fod yn gam anorfod i sicrhau lle cadarnach i’r iaith yma yn y dyfodol. "Dwi’n meddwl ei bod hi’n amser dechrau ymgyrch go iawn," meddai Rhys Teifi Morris, sydd ar ei 3ydd blwyddyn yn astudio Mathemateg. "Mae angen neuadd i gael cymuned well ymhlith y myfyrwyr Cymraeg, ac i sicrhau bod yr iaith yn cryfhau yn y brifysgol fel ein bod ni’n gallu cystadlu efo colegau fel Aber a Bangor." Ond mae yna rai a fyddai’n gwrthwynebu’r syniad hefyd – gan honni y byddai neuadd Gymraeg yn dueddol o fod yn elitaidd ac yn gaeëdig. Mi fyddai yna eraill yn dadlau bod y sefyllfa bresennol yn berffaith gan bod fflatiau Senghennydd yn cynnig bywyd Cymraeg naturiol, a hwnnw heb fod yn ynysig. Mae’n sicr fod y dadleuon dros neuadd Gymraeg yn dal dwr, a bod gwir angen rhoi mwy o sylw i sefyllfa’r iaith yn gyffredinol yn y brifysgol. Ond beth ydi barn darllenwyr Taf-Od? E-bostiwch unrhyw sylwadau i’r cyfeiriad ar y top.
Anfonwch unrhyw sylwadau, llythyrau neu gyfraniadau i’r cyfeiriad e-bost newydd:
grtafod@cf.ac.uk
Dydd y Farn yn Dod...
Tim Cymru - yn cario gobeithion y genedl Gan Gareth Jones MAE UN o’r wythnosau mwyaf yn hanes pêl-droed Cymru wedi cyrraedd ac erbyn hyn mi fyddwn ni’n nes at wybod beth ydi siawns y tîm i gyrraedd ffeinals Ewro 2004 yr haf nesaf. Nos Fercher ydi’r noson fawr pan fydd y Rwsiaid yn glanio yng Nghaerdydd am y gêm fwyaf tyngedfennol ers honno yn erbyn Romania
ar Faes yr Arfau yn 1993. Dim ond gobeithio, gan groesi bysedd, y bydd y canlyniad eleni’n wahanol! Mi fydd y rhan fwyaf ohonon ni’n ddigon hen i gofio rhywfaint o gêm Romania, pan fethodd Paul Bodin o’r smotyn gan olygu nad oedd Terry Yorath a’i dîm i gael ymddangos yn UDA 94 wedi’r cyfan. Mi fydd llawer yn cofio colli deigryn neu ddau dros y sgôr hefyd. Ddeg mlynedd yn ddiweddarach,
gobeithio mai dagrau o lawenydd fydd yn llifo y tro hwn. Dyma i ni gyfle o’r diwedd i gyrraedd rowndiau terfynol pencampwriaeth fawr, ac ar ôl yr holl optimistiaeth ddiweddar, mae’n rhaid¸ yn rhaid, i ni lwyddo! Nid na fydd y Rwsiaid yn bwriadu rhoi cynnig arni. Maen nhw’n anorchfygol ym Moscow ond os byddwn ni wedi dod drwyddi heb ormod o niwed yna mae’r rhagolygon yn dda. Tîm oddi-cartref sâl fuodd Rwsia yn ddiweddar ac mi ddylai hogiau Mark Hughes allu chwarae efo hyder. Mae’n anffodus fod cymaint o’r sêr yn absennol – Craig Bellamy, Simon Davies a Mark Pembridge ydi’r rhai mwyaf amlwg – ac mae llawer o’r gweddill yn brwydro i fod yn ffit. Ond mae Giggs a Hartson, Speed a Savage o gwmpas o hyd ac efo’r gefnogaeth yn Stadiwm y Mileniwm ar ei gorau gobeithio y gall y tîm godi’r to. Mi fydd yna ddathlu yng Nghaerdydd a thu hwnt wedyn. Tydi’r mwyafrif llethol o gefnogwyr Cymru erioed wedi cael cyfle i brofi’r peth, ac wedi campau’r tîm rygbi y penwythnos diwethaf, mi fydd pethau’n edrych yn oleuach o lawer ar chwaraeon y wlad ar ôl amser digon du. Ond mae yna ddwy gêm anferthol yn wynebu’r tim cyn cyflawni hynny. Gweddïwch yn dawel a gobeithiwch...
COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (VII) Tydi’r Cofi Alltud ddim yn un i gwyno, ond mynd o ddrwg i waeth ddaru’r tywydd a finna wedi meddwl nad oedd y ffasiwn beth byth yn bosib. Prin ddaru hi stopio stido trwy’r wythnos, ac mi oeddwn i’n cadw golwg bob yn hyn a hyn rhag ofn bod Noa wedi dod yn ôl i’r ddaear ac mai dyna oedd yn matar ar Dduw. Ond doedd yna fawr o obaith am hynny chwaith. Yr unig arch y dois i’n agos i’w gweld trwy’r wythnos oedd honno roeddwn i’n teimlo fel ei gweld un bora’n ddiweddar ar ôl homar o seshiwn ar bnawn Sul. Mi oedd Cymru wedi dod yn agos i guro Lloegr, ac fel canlyniad allith rhywun neud dim byd ond dathlu yn y ffordd y dethlir yn draddodiadol dan amgylchiadau o’r fath. Dim ond biti mod i’n gorfod mynd i Benmaenmawr y bora wedyn. A biti hefyd nad oeddwn i wedi dallt tan hynny pa mor ddi-ddallt ydi rhai o’r pennau bach sy’n rhedag ambell i dafarn yn y ddinas. Mi fyddai hanner y greadigaeth wedi syrthio dan lach rhai ohonyn nhw oedd yn amlwg am anwybyddu’r ffaith ein bod ni’n byw yng Ngwlad y Gân. Dim ond diolch i drugaredd nad oedd Bryn Terfel o gwmpas neu mi fuasai rheolwr y Gatekeeper wedi cael ffit farwol yn y fan a’r lle. Mi fydd y Rhyng-Gol wedi bod erbyn rwan, digon siwr, ac mi gewch chi’r hanes i gyd yr wythnos nesa. Heblaw, hynny ydi, y bydda i wedi cael ysfa i daflu’n hun i’r môr o’r prom a gadael i’r llanw fy nghipio i ymaith i’r Iwerddon a thu hwnt. Mae cwmni myfyrwyr Aber cynddrwg â hynny o bryd i’w gilydd. Rhowch fymryn o lwdwms o Fangor yn y botas a dyna i chi gymhelliad dros hunanladdiad os buodd yna un erioed. A chymhelliad dros fynd am beint hefyd, o ran hynny, oni bai ei bod hi’n bwrw hen wragedd a ffyn unwaith eto. "Poni welsoch-chwi hynt y gwynt a’r glaw?" meddai rhyw fardd enwog o’r canol oesoedd. Wel gwelaf, medda fi, bob blydi dydd a nos o fy mywyd. Ond hitiwch befo. Daw eto haul ar fryn, meddai’r hen air, a daw eto’r Cofi Alltud yn ei ôl i fwydro. Wythnos nesa, hynny ydi – ar ôl bod am beint siwr iawn. Nos da!
Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started! Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg! I saw Margaret Thatcher the other day and I must say, oh, does she look fine. Gwelais Margaret Thatcher y diwrnod o’r blaen, ac o, mae’n rhaid dweud ei bod hi’n edrych yn dda. I asked her did she want to share a night of passion with me and she went all wobbly. Gofynnais os oedd hi eisiau treulio noson angerddol yn fy nghwmni ac aeth hi’n wan i gyd. But then Ann Widdecombe came by and all my dreams of bliss were instantly satisfied. Ond yna daeth Ann Widdecombe heibio a bodloni fy holl freuddwydion am hapusrwydd ar amrantiad.
Media
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November 17 2003
grmedia@cf.ac.uk
Snapping at the news A great front page photo is gold dust to editors By Catherine Gee and Amy Gorochowski Media Correspondents
W
hat do you look at first when you pick up a newspaper? Do you dive right into the text or is it the photo which catches your eye? Photojournalism has grown enormously in the last twenty years, and more so recently with the development of digital photography. Pictures can be sent within seconds of taking them to offices all around the globe. Digitalisation not only cuts costs by eliminating the need for a dark room and film, but assists in the meeting of deadlines. This becomes fundamental as newspapers are always fighting for world exclusives which a well-timed photo can provide. Industry members know just how crucial a good picture can be. Colin Robertson, head of pictures at the South Wales Echo, confirms that the photo is “the most important part of an article and the first entry point on the page”. He points out that the content of an image can differ considerably from publication to publication. Whereas tabloids focus on faces and human-interest stories, broadsheets feature more artistic and journalistic articles. In tabloids, photos are far more prominent, and are usually given the majority of the space on the page, accompanied only by a small caption. How many times have you picked up a copy of The Sun or The Mirror to see a massive picture of Jordan in her latest buttock-skimming outfit? Let’s face it, you’re not actually interested in the fifty word article, you’re interested in the ‘sexy’ photo. However, not much artistic work goes into those kinds of pictures. The
photographer is interested only in capturing the most provocative angle in order to sell his work. Tabloid newspapers rely on such photos in order to sell more copies as the picture itself acts as the story. Broadsheets, on the other hand, aim more for artistic, thought-provoking shots such as bombed Middle Eastern countries, important political events, and the occasional shot of a doomed politician clutching a pint. Such newspapers have a more highbrow reputation, one supposedly reflective of its audience. The use of tabloid-style photographs would result in accusations of dumbing down and possibly insulting the intelligence of its readers. Both kinds of pictures can be dangerous to acquire. Photojournalists head into the depths of war-torn, famine-ridden countries to get their shots of starving, orphaned children. Unfortunately many a photographer has been lost due to their commitment to work. During the war with Iraq many photographers and reporters got caught in the crossfire. It’s not just war which puts industry workers at risk. The angry celebrity is a common species which often takes its aggression out on the nearest person who dares to take their picture. Celebs such as Liam Gallagher, Jay Kay and Björk are known for leaping on the people who help keep the public interested in them. It is not unknown for injuries to be sustained. This is less dangerous than serious photojournalism as we are yet to hear of a photographer killed by a temperamental celebrity; that said, it might well happen one day. However dangerous it may be, few can deny that it’s not worth it. Photojournalism has given the world some of its most iconic images. Who could forget the picture of a lone Princess Diana sat in front of the Taj
Picture the perfect photo Photography editor Gemma Griffiths on the secret of getting the perfect shot
T
Iconic: This picture of Diana needed no words to tell the story Mahal? This was seen as representative of her life and state of mind at the time. Although this was outlined in the article, a reader could easily draw such an interpretation from the image alone. Certain pictures can also provoke the public into action. An image of an Iraqi boy called Ali who was badly burnt and had lost his arms caused more public outcry than any written story could ever have done. Another one of the most famous examples is from the 1970s during the Vietnam War. An American newspaper printed a disturbing image of a naked, young Vietnamese girl crying due to her napalm burns running down a road towards the camera. This image put a human face to the suffering of the Vietnamese people and was a dominant factor in the rapid decrease of the public’s support for the war. It’s difficult to say exactly when a good photo opportunity will occur. Many of the most memorable images
have been taken by chance. Colin Robertson explains that in local news, given the nature of the articles, faces are both more relevant and preferred. This enhances the sense of community that a local newspaper wishes to provide its readers. Faces of the rich and famous are also important within a national tabloid newspaper, with none being more so than celeb royalty Posh and Becks. If a photographer can capture a public figure in a compromising position or somewhere where they shouldn’t be, then they’ve had a productive day for both themselves and their newspaper. It is this kind of sensationalist photography that tabloid readers are interested in. Though some may claim that newspapers have had their day, photojournalism will live on in the internet and broadcasting as it is the picture which can only capture a moment in time and the public’s imagination. Remember, pictures can speak louder than words.
he skill of knowing when to click the shutter is the essence of a great picture and can only be developed through good old-fashioned experience. However there are several other qualities which a photojournalist must possess if they wish to become successful story-tellers. A sense of curiosity is essential – the photographer needs to have an interest in working with people and in finding out things which may not be obvious on the surface, as it is often those little subtleties in life which, when included in a picture, add an extra sparkle. Persistence is required to seek out more than one side of a situation and the photographer should not be afraid to present it from a different perspective. Artistic aptitude is also a must as a photojournalist’s aim is to get a message across to the readers and to grab their attention. The picture will be more effective if it is aesthetically pleasing and even striking. Many photojournalists nowadays are sent on assignment with a digital camera, a laptop and a satellite phone in order to get nearly instantaneous images back in the newsroom. Knowledge of software such as Photoshop is a useful skill to have as some images will have to be cropped or touched up slightly before going to print. Photojournalists must be ready to face and record the unexpected. Professionals often keep a camera at their sides at all times, just in case an opportunity arises. The work can involve a huge variety of jobs, ranging from local car boot sales to film premieres to road accidents, and a great deal of flexibility is therefore needed. For the budding photojournalist, helping with a student newspaper can be an invaluable experience as it not only allows you to practise and improve your technique, giving you the opportunity to build up an impressive and varied portfolio, it also gives you an idea of what it is like to work in a newsroom environment.
Media Muddle
Harrowing: Famous pictures such as these children running from a napalm attack often came to symbolise the whole war
Seeing as we’re on the subject of photojournalism this week, we couldn’t possibly let Bath Impact’s front page pass us by. The accompanying photo to their lead story was a picture of a half-eaten ham and lettuce sandwich. Still, it achieved its job and made Media laugh along with it. And that’s a good thing by the way. Sticking with Bath, we at Media would like to wish their student radio station URB a very happy thirtieth birthday. Proof that some things never change though – even in his student broadcasting days Pop Idol’s "Dr" Fox was considered a wanker. Some sort of congratulations should also go to York Vision for scooping best paper at the Guardian Awards. However, they should also get the Cushiest Ride award, producing one paper a month, if that. While they may have the luxury of taking it easy, we at gair rhydd slave away to produce a quality paper every week. Lightweights.
Jobs & Money
November 17 2003
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gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk
the Real World Postcards fromEag leton
Money Talks
h yd
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happy here. I have a LIFE. Living at home with my parents is not anit By Alex Dove and Steph t. But one day ose a career. attractive prospec "Choose life. Choose a job. Cho r tells us in is almost inevitable that I will have Choose a family." So Ewan McGrego to leave Cardiff - if not for London, . ewhere else Trainspotting. like Carrie then certainly for som But, at the risk of sounding e it all? The And then what will become of my life? r cities, Bradshaw, is it really possible to hav n a decent A few friends have left Cardiff for othe mea I their life, By ted er? star ly care sful the succes life and ses or play and some have social life: time to do evening classpend time careers. But the fact remains that they have the piano, time to chill out, relax,Having a life very little time to see people, keep in contact themselves. with partners, friends and family. with friends, or create a new life for moving back or city it. a new and living e both. At Uprooting oneself to I’m not so sure it is possible to hav having to home with your family certainly inhibits your are ally, the hours and effort present, many recent graduates er. I chose social life. Addition a career can be exhausting in choose between the life and the care st familiar world, required to inve the life. I stayed in Cardiff, in my places. I and unsociable. med usto acc Cardiff, my with old friends and Even if I found a perfect job in to various didn’t and ed, bas was life y my awa re drift ntually stayed whe A sort of gap friends would eve worry about my career too much. (Can you have places. I am only temporarily evading the to the big year I thought, or a career break. it yet?) inevitable pull which will take me a career break if you haven’t begunalthough it’s lights of the career world in London. it is almost Instead I got a temping job, and there past In the initial stages of graduation career falls be a ss Unle all. it e OK for the present, I don’t plan to hav to e perhaps impossible probably have to uproot Christmas. Career-wise I have mad lly is con- into your lap you will and transport it to anothecia esp her mot t poin the ‘wrong’ choice. My e e (London) I your life at som vinced that had I gone back hom an, paying er city where it can star t again. wom er care g ch one will would now be a high-flyin Choose life. Choose a career. Whi . loan ent off my stud you pick? rs, I’m As I often explain to her and othe ga ir
r
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery” Benjamin Franklin
FACT FILE UK workers still need help with many basic IT skills: switching their PC on and off - 14%; saving a document - 19%, and printing a document - 21%.
Crazy careers: Ghost Tour Operator By Nicola York gair rhydd would like to pre-empt any criticism, by highlighting that these are jokes
Boost your bank account By Nicola York
G
etting a part-time job is sometimes the only option for poorer students and those who mysteriously lose their student loans in the first week of term. A job is not only a money earner though; it can lead to new experiences, transferrable skills for a CV and a great social life. But it can affect your studies if you work too many hours, and the pay is not always great. Decent jobs can often be found through the Student Union’s Job Shop, situated on the ground floor. The Job Shop advertises a wide range of part-time work suitable for students, from catering to flyering to bar work. And the pay is generally quite reasonable.
The most popular part-time jobs for students are: Bar work - can be fun and tips are good as long as you don’t work in a student bar.
Waitressing - if you don’t mind being shouted at by incompetent chefs, then go for it. Some words of warning: you might get fat on all the leftover food. Retail - good for discounts on products. Choose the shop wisely; if you hate people’s feet don’t work in a shoe shop.
Sperm donors - can get paid up to £15 per ‘go’…not bad for doing something you regularly enjoy. Artist’s model - get paid for being naked. Art schools always need life models. Not for the shy and retiring.
Even famous people have had dull jobs…
Admin - can be better paid than other jobs and looks good on your CV
Brad Pitt was a delivery driver and also chauffeured strippers to bachelor parties in a limo.
Call centres - not my idea of fun but if you are great at talking to people you could enjoy it, and if it’s commission-based pay then you could make a lot of money.
Annie Lennox worked as a waitress in a restaurant when Dave Stewart met her. He was a customer at one of her tables. They went on to form the Eurythmics.
But if none of these take your fancy then how about:
Madonna used to sell donuts at Dunkin’ Donuts.
Extras - you can earn £50 upwards a day as an extra in films or TV and maybe get to mix with the stars.
Kate Winslet was working in a deli in London when she landed a part in Heavenly Creatures.
Lap dancing/male escorts - just make sure that lecturers or friends don’t turn out to be your customers.
You never know, a part-time job could lead to something better in the future and the extra cash is always a welcome addition to any student’s pocket.
T
he supernatural has always been a fascinating topic for discussion, but did you know you could earn a living from talking about ghosts? Who is it for? People who have an interest in supernatural and strange goings on or anyone who has a degree in ghost studies, I suppose. Essential skills: - a good memory for facts and anecdotes - the ability to enthrall your customers with your story telling skills - a solid knowledge of local history - imagination and passion How do I become a ghost tour operator? If you want to be a freelance tour operator then you’ll have to do your research on the place you wish to tour in. Root out any stories, legends, hauntings and murders and then build them up into a two hour tour, visiting at least six sites around the area. Alternatively, you can apply for a job at a haunted house. Useless fact: In Connecticut, USA, it is a legal requirement for all home sellers to notify any prospective buyers if their house is haunted. Where can I find further information? www.ghostclub.org.uk www.ghostweb.com www.guidedtourswales.co.uk
News in brief Male movers Men are twice as likely to change location for the purposes of career development and/or promotion, than women. This could go some way to explaining the causes of unequal pay between the sexes. Many women will choose to stay in a lower paid job rather than relocate for promotion reasons. In my infinite wisdom as a former sociology student (that’s a lie) I suggest that this is because women like having a stable base of friends, family and familiar surroundings, whereas men are less bothered about these things.
Email abuse Everyone does it at work and bosses aren’t stupid, so emailing is finally being clamped down on or even banned in many offices. Nearly a third of employers surveyed recently said they had taken disciplinary action in the last year on between two and five employees who had abused email. All firms surveyed said that they absolutely forbid accessing porn and 96% did not allow obscene emails to be sent. Punishments included docking their salaries and beating them with a floppy disk (this is also a lie).
Show stealing solicitor A solicitor who claimed that he was too busy Cossack dancing to have stolen £1 million from dead and injured clients has been jailed for eight years. The 36-year-old Ukrainian used his international dance troupe as part of his defence case, saying that he couldn’t have carried out the embezzlements because he was arranging shows with Kylie and Ali G. Needless to say the case collapsed in a sweaty heap fairly pronto… no doubt his dance troupe will shortly follow suit.
Drinking like a Dogfish A new beer called Dogfish Head World Wide Stout, with an alcohol strength of 21% is due to go on sale shortly. Great, now we can all get pissed on two pints. But wait until you hear the price before you rush out and buy. At £6.99 for half a pint it certainly doesn’t come cheap. Hang on a minute, that’s nearly £14 for a measly pint! Think I’ll stick to my Fosters.
If you have any money, job or career questions you want answered or just want to comment on this page, email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk.
November 17 2003
commemorative pull-out
750
EDITIONS OF
gair rhydd
After covering Cardiff students for over 30 years, gair rhydd is proud to present some of its best moments
By Tristan Thomas, gair rhydd Editor
A
s the mainstream press has developed, student media has remained remarkably close behind, especially in media-obsessed Cardiff. Cardiff University first produced a handwritten magazine in 1885, although the first newspaper was launched shortly after the start of the 20th century. But it wasn’t until 1971 when our beloved gair rhydd first rolled off the press, and over the next 32 years it would become a bright light in the often dull world of student journalism. In the early 70s, gair rhydd boasted shoddy-looking typewritten sheets, hand-drawn lines and hastily corrected copy. But with this apparent shoddiness came an edge that has been hard to match since – quality graphics may have replaced line art diagrams, but the amateur feel added to the sense that gair rhydd was strongly against the establishment. Early papers were remarkably political compared to today’s offering – one front page leader urged students to vote Conservative to protect their freedom. The early GRs were also overt in their criticism of the union. Editorials would declare the Executive a disgrace, calling for the resignation of the president and senior members of the management. Others would suggest boycotts of the nightclub or other union services – in the current climate these moves would seem shocking. As you look through this brief collection of our favourite front pages, it becomes clear why gair rhydd has won so many national awards. This has culminated in another nomination for the Mirror best student newspaper this year. The latest chapter in gair rhydd’s history was launched earlier this year, with the introduction of our first regular magazine segment. Advances in technology have allowed gair rhydd to expand to produce a greater amount of content, and to allow a greater number of contributors to work for us than ever before. But a glance at the efforts of previous years suggests we still have a way to go before we can match the campaigning instincts of our predecessors. This year’s gair rhydd has tried to return to its critical roots but has so far resisted the temptation to bring out the big guns. But expect fireworks later in the year as we try to live up to the high standards of gair rhydd.
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LEFT: The union president quits for the first time since Neil Kinnock (1980) RIGHT: For the first time in history a woman president is elected (1991) LEFT: gair rhydd bravely accuses two Sabb officers of abusing their positions (1983) RIGHT: The following week a front page apology grovels to avoid libel problems (1983) LEFT: Accusations are made against Exec members for wasting expenses (1998) RIGHT: We report on a shocking rape just metres from the union (2001)
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Commemorative pull-out 1982
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Television
November 17 2003
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ifthere’sgrassonthepitch@cf.ac.uk
Your essential guide to this week’s TV 17 November to 23 November
Behind The Bikesheds
C4 explores the world of the 14 year old in a series of pervy documentaries.
HOT The Prisoner Of Azkaban. TV Desk was lucky enough to see the trailer for the new Harry Potter film this morning and boy does it look a cracker. Wild eyed Gary Oldman, Alan Rickman in a dress and Draco Malfoy beginning to resemble wide eyed Gareth Keenan. I can’t wait.
SOAPS What the fuck is going on with Neighbours at the moment? Toadie ‘Italian’ Rebecchi being involved with ‘the Mob’? Er, since when has the Toad - a true antipodian complete with sex-change mother - had any kind of Italian connection at all? And why is everyone so frightened of that fat bastard who loiters with his gang all day in an old garage in Erinsborough, apparantly doing nothing but selling old coffee makers? At times, even Neighbours starts to annoy me... Oh well, at least in Eastenders Kat and Alfie have finally got together... oh no, hold on. Just when you thought you could get over the boring near-misses of their on/off relationship, yet something else goes wrong. It’s enough to make me want to watch Family Affairs...Lots of love from TV Holly.
TV Fuck this week suggests that you, yes you, should watch just three programs this week. Firstly there’s a couple of seedy documentarys on C4 on Tuesday at 9pm AND 10.40. The first being Adult at 14: Fourteen Alone and the second being Adult at 14: Kids On Porn. Masterminds among you will notice they’re from the same series of documentaries (they’re both called Adult at 14, do you see?) which are suspiciously paedoriffic, in that one is about a gaggle of skanky 14 year olds living in a house with nothing to do but talk about sex and also indulge in it. And the other is about a group of 14 year olds talking about porn and also indulging in it. Maybe. But either way, let’s try not to think that C4 are trying to make 14 year olds more “adult” because they’re not. 14 year olds are still vile little shitrags who aren’t fit to walk the same streets as us and the world would be a better place without them. I was never 14, I jumped straight to 15 and intend to be 21 for five years so I don’t get a real job. There’s also a stupid sounding Welsh program called Dau Ddisgo ac Angladd which I’m guessing if you’re Welsh, the title explains, but if you’re not, then it’s a documentary about a man who by day is a funeral director, and by night is a DJ with his own mobile disco. Obviously he plays “Killed by Death” by Motorhead, “Killing Me Softly” by Roberta Flack and “Death Disco” by Public Image Limited. The list
DIGITAL WATCH Despite the fact that none of us at TV Desk have actually seen it, we are extremely intrigued by Sex, Lies And Michael Aspel. All we have for the listing is “spoof This Is Your Life with illegitimate children”, but although we cannot fully intpret this it sounds like a crock of TV gold. Apparently it involves a delve into Micahel’s sexual history (sex? It’s got to be good!) and uncovers his until now unknown quantites of sexual charisma. Well, I certainly wouldn’t, but then again, I haven’t met him... And of course, if it’s wank material you need but you can’t be bothered to download anymore porn/your computer’s blocked up with it (and the keys on your keyboard are permanantly stuck down), then Sky1 is, as ever, the channel to watch. With Double Entry, which is a competition to see who can make the best porn film (a firm favourite at GR), Sex On the Beach (Wednesday, 10pm), which pries into scallys’ sex lives, and Kirsty’s Home Videos. you know that you can always have a hard-on at any time of the day or night with Sky. Also, Liquid News is this week guesting Ricky Gervais, which may be interesting, though he is getting rather exposed (Monday, BBC3, 8pm). And until next week, my dear chums, have a few wanks on TV Desk. As it were. Lots and lots of love from a very tired TV Holly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
is endless... Despite the fact that BBC3 have been cracking it off for weeks, it is a welcome return for a new series of What Not to Wear (BBC2, 8.30pm, Wednesday). Tranny and Carthorse (make up you own mind as to which moniker is the most suitable) may be complete harridans, but their innate wisdom is worth at least hearing, if not being adhered to. They may strip away any hardened fashionista’s dignity, but it is fair to say that the humiliated candidate does look better at the end. All that being said, if they dared to tell me what to wear I would stick my stillettoes so far up their rectums they’d be chewing leather for
months (and that wouldn’t be the first time, either...have you seen the way they fondle other people’s tits?). A most amazing gem of diamond-mine proportions is on its way this week: Teen Wolf is gracing five (Saturday, 5.15pm). One of my most favourite films with the idol of the 80s, Mr Michael J, and made even better by the presence of the supernatural, Teen Wolf was a film I watched in my youth despite my mum desperately vetoing it. (I borrowed the video off my friend and watched it secretly while my mum was fixing the Soda Stream). Anyway, as it’s pre-watershed, it means that it won’t contain the bondage scene at the party where two adolescents writhe in porridge. No, I’m not making it up. That really happened...It must have...I based my earliest fantasies on it.... The last picks are from TV Andy who’s the solitary member left up here at 1.30am when the walls start to close in and the ceiling begins to bleed. However most of the programming seems to be a big pile of steaming horse excrement apart from some cracking films. Audition is on S4C on Sunday (3.25am) if you missed it last week, with the still rather good Rain Man at 10.20pm on the same channel. Apart from that I think I’ll be settling down in front of my PC with the freshly downloaded copy of the Paris Hilton Sex tape... Have fun kiddies.xxx
VIDEOS TO RENT:BUY It’s long, hard and quite bloody at the end. Yes it’s the one we’ve all been waiting for: LOTR: The Two Towers extended edition. Yes, from Tuesday we’ll be able to laugh at all the fools who rushed out to get their hairy feet on the normal version as we get 42 minutes of extra footage and a whole raft of superb extras to boot. By the time the third chapter is released on DVD in 12 months time Lord Of The Rings will probably be the most extensive and complete set of DVD’s about a film (or series) ever. With each of the extended editions featuring mountains of extra footage and comprehensive behind the scenes footage from initial sketches to the finished deal. Having spent many hours enjoying the commentaries, features and tidbits of the 1st extended box set; I am salivating at the thought of a fully fleshed out version of the much superior second installment. The crowning achievement of the Two Towers is obviously Gollum, the most realistic and amazing fully digital character that has been committed to celluloid. Hats off to Andy Serkis and the team at Weta for pulling out all the stops to create one of cinema’s most fascinating and advanced creations. And I haven’t even mentioned the war scenes yet, or how lovely Liv Tyler is, or what a great adaptation it is....
NOT The Matrix. So so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so disappointing. Where did it all go wrong? Everything that has a beginning has an end does it? Why was the end such a let down then? Gutted.
SPORT The Moment of Truth! Let’s get excited, if we’re Scottish or Welsh, because it’s the second legs of the European Qualifiers (Wednesday 8pm) and the showdowns with Holland and Russia, respectively. However, you can also get excited if you’re English, because if they qualify, they’ll both be lambs for the slaughter, because neither are any good.
FILMS The best film on this week isn’t actually on the telly. In fact it’s at UGC where the Film Society will be showing David Lynch’s surreal masterpiece Mullholland Drive on Monday at 9pm. It’s £2 for members and £3 for Joe Public so head on down and be prepared to take a nightmare journey into the surreal world of Hollywood.
RADIO Problems with Radio 1 are like rusty nails in a rotten plank in a festering junk yard. Specifically, the following: Colin Murray and Edith Bowman’s persistantly nasal and hyperactive talks about fish and what Thrills gig they went to during the week, Zane Lowe and his Homeboy from the streets approach to boring indie white boy guitar rock (“Yo man check this y’all this is the Cooper. Temple. Clause. Man let’s spin it!”) Chris “Why am I still employed?” Moyles, alhough on the plus side he’s being jackwhacked to breakfast so luckily for me I get to sleep in and miss him from January onwards. Oooh who else? Oh yeah - (“Hi!, It’s”) Wes and his completely awful attempts at the Chart Show. Yeah, how many people get tense over who’s at number 4 and who’s at number 3? No, exactly. Get your act together.
Television
Page 22
November 17 2003
whatareyougoingtodo?limpwristmetodeath?@cf.ac.uk
Monday 17 November BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Bergerac 15.20 BBC News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Eureka TV 16.40 Jackie Chan Adventures 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lisa continues to torment Summer much to our delight. Izzy makes Susan see red. Hopefully that’s the colour of Izzy’s underwear... 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Innovation Nation 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders Alfie hopes Nana may have the answer to his marital status. Thankfully she remembers that they’ve been married for years and that Spencer is actually their love child. 20.30 Celebrity Bargain Hunt Live Athletes 21.00 Merseybeat Jim is determined to catch a businessman who's terrorising a community. 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 The Boy Who Would Be King 23.35 Men Behaving Badly 00.05 FILM: Buried Secrets With Tiffani-Amber Thiessen who featured heavily in the sweaty thoughts of many a 90s schoolboy. * 01.40 Sign Zone: The Blue Planet 02.30 Sign Zone: Auction Man 03.00 Sign Zone: Time Flyers 03.30 Joins BBC News 24
06.00 CBeebies: Pingu 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC 08.30 CBeebies 10.25 Stingray 10.50 English Express 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 Let's Write a Story 11.50 Social Inclusion Dramas 12.10 See You, See Me 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 Trade Secrets 13.40 FILM: Once upon a Honeymoon *** 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons Bart tends to a nest filled with eggs after he inadvertently kills a bird with an air rifle. Luckily only Sherri misses Terri. That joke was so lame, I’ve embarrassed myself. 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Time Commanders Shamefully I derive great pleasure from watching this and pretending I could do better. 19.30 Landscape Mysteries: The Riddle of the Yorkshire Tracks 20.00 Theatre of Dreams 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Room 101 Linda Smith's dislikes are Tim Henman and adults who read Harry Potter. I’ve seen the trailer for the new film and it looks FUCKING AWESOME! Gary Oldman at his twitchy best. 21.30 Absolute Power The team are asked to sex-up a dull bishop, but Charles is more interested in the case of a brilliant young footballer. Expect buggery to feature somewhere. That Stephen Fry’s so saucy. 22.00 Dead Ringers 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Visions of Space: Albert Speer 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Finding a Voice
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Plastic Surgery Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 The Flintstones 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House - Special Florida Week 18.00 HTV News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale A lonely and drunken Nicola makes a clumsy pass at Scott. Gutted for Tristan. He’s just declared that he’s not going to prison for Alex being a cunt. Unfortunately he might be wrong... 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight - Extreme Makeover - With Trevor McDonald First of two special programmes in which teacher Fran Rubin travels to Los Angeles for the latest in cosmetic surgery - the extreme makeover. Expect the full blood and guts story and faux horror from McDonald. 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 Between the Sheets On the day of her daughter's wedding, Hazel decides to put her sexual happiness first and walks out, leaving her husband to pick up the pieces of their shattered marriage. Another rom-com from ITV then. 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.25 FILM: Eddie Shite baseball flick. ** 01.05 Champions League Weekly 01.30 Football League Extra 02.10 Today with Des and Mel 03.00 Now and Again 04.40 ITV Nightscreen
BBC 3
ITV 2
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Jeff Buckley's Rock Shrine On the anniversary of Jeff Buckley's accidental drowning, his fans congregate at Memphis Zoo, at a small shrine next to the Sumatran tiger enclosure, a place often visited by Jeff, who loved the zoo so much that he applied for a job there. Some people don’t get out enough. I love his music and he’s a proper legend, but you can take things too far - it’s not even where he died, slackers... 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Sex, Lies and Michael Aspel Spoof This Is Your Life featuring dozens of illegitimate children. WTF is this about?!!! 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Monkey Dust 23.30 Gimme Gimme Gimme 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Sex, Lies and Michael Aspel
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Confessions 18.00 Coronation Street Kirk is feeling left out as Les plays happy families with Cilla. Is this some kind of incestuous ex-game show host love in? *Shudders* 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Champions League Weekly 21.00 Diets from Hell 22.00 Million Dollar Babes 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 Jerry Springer
Tonight Extreme Makeover ITV1 8pm
Sex Before 16: Why the Law is Failing S4C 00.15am
S4C
five
06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bibi 13.15 Brits Go to Hollywood 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.15 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy Guests include Lesley “fat fanny-lips” Ash. 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra Siwan begins to suffer the side effects of taking steroids. That’d be dressing up in spandex and growing a mullet then. 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Cefn Gwlad Another chance to “enjoy” a “classic” edition of the series in which Dai Jones meets “interesting” countryside characters. “If you hadn’t guessed Marge I was being sarcastic...” 20.30 Ffermio 21.00 Pobol y Cwm 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 No Going Back: Bergerac 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 Sex Before 16: Why the Law is Failing Riath starts rubbing his hands with glee the thought of this one. “They’re old enough when they leave school - and they leave school at half past 3...”01.15 Will and Grace 01.45 Speed Machines 02.45 Harem 04.00 Ysgolion
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Domestic Magic 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: The Return of Ironside Where did he go? He can’t have got far in that wheelchair though, could he? *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Rhys lays down the law to Jade. She’s not allowed to appear on any shit TV shows for 5 years. 18.30 Family Affairs Kelly is unsure if she should tell Benji she is pregnant. Is that Benji as in the terrier? Sick and disturbing. 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Building the Ultimate 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 FILM: A Perfect Murder With Michael Douglas. Taut thriller in which a cold-blooded commodities trader, on the verge of losing his fortune, hires someone to kill his rich young wife. Someone had better warn Catherine... ** 23.10 FILM: One Hot Summer Night ** 00.50 NFL Update 01.30 NASCAR 02.20 V8 Supercars 03.10 2003 X Games 03.45 Argentinian Football
E4
SKY 1
C4
10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek Summer is over and the gang all head off back to college, hopefully to be hung drawn and quartered by a manic Alan Rickman. 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Sex and the City 22.30 Little Friends 23.00 Porn: A Family Business: Strictly BiznASS In this programme, a stressed Adam takes a break from the set by unwinding to the comedic stylings of adult film legend Herschel Savage. WHO?!!! 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.10 The Salon 00.40 Hollyoaks 01.10 Dawson's Creek 02.05 Sex and the City 02.30 Little Friends 02.55 Porn: A Family Business 03.25 Celebrity Five Go Dating
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: My Brother's Wife ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation Unbeknown to the crew, Captain Picard is kidnapped and replaced by an alien imposter, who leads the ship and crew astray and stars in a series of shite M&S adverts. 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons Marge joins divorcée Ruth Powers for a wild night on the town, only to discover that her friend is driving a stolen vehicle. Happily coinciding with Thelma And Louise on Ch4. 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Peter Benchley's Creature 22.55 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 23.25 South Park 23.55 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.55 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 Philly
As S4C except: 09.30 4Learning 9.30 The Business. 10.45 Animated Tales of the World. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Marchen und Geschichten. 11.40 Think Business. 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: The Guinea Pig 14.45 Fifteen to One William 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Animated Minds In this edition, a man talks about his panic attacks and agoraphobia. Sounds like pleasant viewing, like spending five minutes having a tramp dribble at you on Queen Street. 20.00 Salvage Squad 21.00 The Atkins Diet: Fat or Fiction? Probably won’t be featuring Mrs Zeta Jones then. 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 FILM: Thelma and Louise **** 01.05 FILM: The Ballad of Little Jo *** 03.15 Unreported World: The Children's War 03.45 Lucky Day 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Real Science. 5.15 Dream on.
Monday 17 November
Television
November 17 2003
Page 23
skankyfesteringbelgians@cf.ac.uk
Tuesday 18 November BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Bergerac 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Watch My Chops 16.35 The Queen's Nose 17.00 SMart Children's art magazine with Mark Speight and my housemate Anna. 17.25 Newsround . 17.35 Neighbours. Taj ends his relationship with Edwina. Good! Stinking trout-faced grinning psychopath Taj could easily do better than. Although the hapless cad does appear to be working his way through the manks of the ranks in Erinsborough, so he’ll be harnassing his love to Steph next. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Celebrity Bargain Hunt 20.30 Holby City 21.30 Traffic Cops: Takeaway 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 Trail of Guilt: To Be Immortal? 23.45 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 00.15 FILM: Thief **** 02.15 Sign Zone: Chelsea Tales: The Wealthiest Place in Britain Wealthiest possibly cheating dubious football club in Britain, more like. 03.05 Sign Zone: Hidden Treasures No. 453: My sense of humour No. 454: Your patience
06.00 CBeebies: Pingu 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Snailsbury Tales 07.30 Chuck Finn 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Bob the Builder 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 BBC Primary History 11.10 Coming to England 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 homeground 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Country House 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 TOTP 2 With The Beatles, Kim Wilde, Eddy Grant, the Pointer Sisters, Blancmange and Donna Summer. Overrated, gardener, boring, once covered Bruce Springsteen but crap, who? And Donna “one good song” Summer. In that order. 18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer The return of Giles! And some other slayers or something. 19.30 Time Flyers: Clash of the Clans 20.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us Roadshow: 20.30 Royal Gardeners 21.00 Living the Dream 21.50 Space 22.00 Can't Take It with You 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Visions of Space: Mies van der Rohe: Less Is More 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered about Food? Actually yes - this slice of pizza is decidedly chewy...
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Plastic Surgery Week Ha ha ha! Ugly fucks with image complex week, more like. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 What about Mimi? 16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 Pirate Islands 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale A forbidden chemistry continues to grow between Katie and Robert. Candida Albicans, that’ll be then. 20.00 Holiday Hospital Palma 21.00 Take My Mother-inLaw 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 The Michael Jackson Story Do we ACTUALLY need this? Another documentary about how Jacko made some great records and went insane? No, not really, but everyone loves this sort of thing. 00.05 FILM: Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace Continuing the theme of things that shouldn’t exist, this makes-Tron-look-exciting sci-fi shit for geeks with wanko-matic computer graphics surely didn’t warrant a sequel? 01.35 The Making of Matrix Revolutions 02.00 Today with Des and Mel 02.50 World Sport 03.15 Football League Extra 03.55 World Football 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News
This Morning: Plastic Surgery Week ITV1 12pm
S4C
five
06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Pei Pwmpen 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Dic a Dei a Delyth 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Tales from River Cottage 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 16.25 Planed Plant: Mas Draw 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Wawffactor! 21.00 Naw Tan Naw 21.30 Location, Location, Location 22.00 Adult at 14: Pleasureland Provocative drama about a group of teenage girls in Liverpool who just cannot wait to grow up. Joanna is 14 and is desperate for a boyfriend, a sexual relationship and a future. For “future”, read teen pregnancy, smoking while up the duff, giving birth to a deformed child, and then living in a council estate flat with the monstrosity after the unwitting perpetrator does a runner. But good luck, love! 23.30 V Graham Norton 00.05 FILM: I Know What You Did Last Summer *** 01.55 The Theory of Everything 02.55 Trans World Sport
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Domestic Magic 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Above and Beyond ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Dumber and Dumber 2 20.30 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.50 The FBI Files: A Hunter's Game 23.55 La Femme Nikita 00.40 NFL Game of the Week: San Francisco 49ers v Pittsburgh Steelers 04.20 Dutch Football: FC Volendam v Feyenoord Nothing on five as usual. Ho-hum. I hate television. I hate Tuesdays as well, so a double great day today. Sigh. The usual arguments are raging around the office about TV Desk controlling the music again. Screw you. Did everyone have a good weekend? By which, I mean the weekend that hasn’t yet happened for me, but will have happened by now, for you.
BBC3
ITV2
E4
SKY 1
C4
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Nick Drake's Rock Shrine Over to TV Andy: “Great acoustic musician basically responsible for Belle And Sebastian, suspiciously died taking an overdose, horrendously underrated in his lifetime. Back to me: Err don’t know, I once heard a song of his with “leaves” in the title somewhere and it was quite good. 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 EastEnders Revealed A look back at the life and times of Albert Square rogue Garry Hobbs. Hey how long’s Garry been a rogue? I thought he was a cock-propelled doofus minus the essentials for a productive life? No rogue. 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders Revealed 23.00 Sex Warts and All USA: Living with a Disease 23.30 Vinnie: Sing a Long 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Little Britain 01.00 Monkey Dust 01.30 Sex Warts and All USA 02.00 Stupid Punts 02.30 India's Ladyboys
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Ask a Silly Question 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale A lonely and drunken Nicola makes a clumsy pass at Scott by voicing her opinion on alcohol into his throbbing drawers. 19.00 Marry Me 20.00 The World's Worst Drivers 21.00 FILM: Woman on Top Don’t get excited. ** 22.45 Murder Re-opened: Seaside Slayings Next week: The theme park rapes, the merry-go-round maulings, and the toy factory terrorist. 23.45 Jerry Springer 00.35 Late Show with David Letterman 01.25 Felicity 02.15 Teleshopping 03.15 Trisha 04.15 Trisha Extra
10.00 The Salon Live Pointless 17.00 Friends Shit 17.30 Friends Shit 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating Great 18.30 The Salon Pointless 19.00 Dawson's Creek Pussies 20.00 Friends Shit 20.30 Friends Shit 21.00 The West Wing Boring 22.00 Sex and the City Tarts 22.35 Daisy Daisy Inane 23.05 Bo Selecta! Fuckers 23.35 V Graham Norton Twat 00.15 The Salon Pointless 00.45 Hollyoaks More tarts 01.15 The West Wing Boring 02.05 Sex and the City Tarts 02.40 Celebrity Five Go Dating Great 03.05 Daisy Daisy Inane. More space-filling trite needed... I just found out that TV Desk’s weekly input finds its way into the British Library for every edition of gair rhydd. Frankly unbelievable, but for the record, the British Library is the most fucked up, godawful excuse for an institution to ever be built on the soil of this cunting island. I hope it, and its entire fucking contents burn into a pile of shit-ridden ash, pronto. And then is never fucking rebuilt. The cunts. Not really! Keep reading xxx
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Stolen from the Heart ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons One of the Sideshow Bob episodes, so hopefully the parody of Cape Feare and not the one where he runs for president. 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 Peter Benchley's Creature Don’t know about you, Peter, but I personally wouldn’t refer to mine as a “creature”. 22.50 Super Fires Two-part special on terrible situations faced by firefighters, in skyscrapers, in jumbo jets and on oil tankers. Which occur once in a bright fucking blue moon. 23.50 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.50 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 Philly 03.30 Cops 04.00 Dead Like Me 04.55 Cribs “This is my amazingly expensive house full of shite only stupid rich people ever buy, and I’m going to show you round because you’re poor un-famous tosspiece”, more like
As S4C except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Jamaica. 9.45 Tales from Wales. 10.00 Tartan Turban. And here’s this week’s “What the fuck?” moment. Enjoy. 10.25 The Penneys. 10.50 Number Crew 2. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Citizen Power. 11.50 National Gallery. 11.55 Tate Modern. 12.30 Water Stories T 12.40 Cheers 13.05 FILM: Bottoms Up. ** Purely put in for our benefit, so we can have an excuse to print another picture of a bare arse in the box on your below left. Thanks! 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Darren and Max are shocked to discover what Tony had been filming. I always thought Tony was the type. Why else would someone who finished his higher education so long ago still be hanging around freshers? Then again, most people here are post-grads... 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Animated Minds 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Adult at 14: Fourteen Alone See Pick of the Week 22.00 V Graham Norton. 22.40 Adult at 14: Kids On Porn See Pick of the Week. 23.45 The Armando Iannucci Shows 00.20 The Secret Life of Us 01.15 The Corner 02.20 03.05 Stargate SG-1 03.50 Infection 04.00 4Learning
FILM: Bottoms Up C4 1.15pm
Tuesday 18 November
Television
Page 24
November 17 2003
sizedoesmatter@cf.ac.uk
Wednesday 19 November BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys should come round to my house every once in a while,and help me fix my boiler... 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Bergerac Yay! The return! 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Get Your Own Back 16.35 That's Genius 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Toadie fears he has been employed by criminals. The Scullys and friends celebrate Oscar's christening. Er, hasn’t the christening already taken place? What’s going on here then? Jack finds it difficult to keep Steph's secret. Well, he should at least confide in the family - incest is a family game for all to play. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Match of the Day Live: Wales v Russia 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 High Hopes 23.05 Imagine 23.55 Match of the Day 00.30 FILM: A Bronx Tale*** Directed by Robert De Niro, who’s waiting for me, talking Italian... 02.30 Sign Zone: ONE Life I actually made myself myself sick with that listing. Robert De Niro... yeach. 03.10 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt 03.40 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 04.10 Joins BBC News 24
06.00 CBeebies: Pingu 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Anthony Ant 07.30 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 The Koala Brothers 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10.35 Stingray 11.00 What the Victorians Did for Us 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: Mr Blandings Builds His Dream House ** 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.05 Celebrity Bargain Hunt Live celebrities compete to raise money for Children In Need. Gah, already? 19.30 The Money Game: Soccer's Secret Agents Including me, who secretly works to get the time-consuming and unecessary toilings in mud banned forever. 20.00 Five Things I Hate about You 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 The Million Pound Property Experiment 22.00 The Office 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Visions of Space: Antoni Gaudi: God's Architect 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Finding a Way: Bowbridge and Great Bardfield 01.00 Playing Safe 01.30 Management in Chinese Cultures 02.00 Languages: Revista 04.00 Languages: Italian Journey
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Plastic Surgery Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.35 The Flintstones 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House Special Florida Week 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Dawn reaches breaking point as her dreams of returning to normality start to crumble. Katie struggles to deny her feelings, and insists that continual fisting is necessary in her and Dawn’s new-found ‘friendship’. Eddie is delighted by a find in Jarvis's shed, resulting in hours of pleasure among the pot plants. 19.30 Coronation Street Roy and Hayley make a horrifying discovery: their beautician no longer offers Brazilians. 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Reversals An undervalued female doctor steals her ex-boyfriend's identity and dresses as a man in a bid to get ahead in the profession. What a pile of steaming jism, complete with cottage cheese-like lumps. 23.00 ITV News at Ten 23.30 Tarrant on TV 00.05 Redcoats 00.30 CD:UK Hotshots 00.55 FILM: Poetic Justice*** 02.45 Today with Des and Mel 03.30 FILM: Serena** 04.35 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News
Poetic Justice ITV1 12.55pm
S4C
five
06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Barrug 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 French Leave 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Mali O 16.25 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.35 Planed Plant: 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nghadau Yn Annwyl I Mi 19.10 Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol: Ewro 2004: Wales v Russia Live 21.35 Pobol y Cwm 22.05 Newyddion 22.20 Adult at 14: Fourteen Alone Ten 14-year-old boys and girls spend five days and nights together in a house devoid of television, mobile phones, CD players and other teen essentials, forcing them to make their own entertainment - and make their own rules. Er, hello Teenage Big Brother 2? Although better, because of course 14-yearolds are far more likely to indulge in oral, anal and aural sex then just rumpy-pumpy under the confines of a duvet. Well, I was anyway. 23.20 V Graham Norton 00.00 Adult at 14: Kids On Porn 01.00 Sex Rules 01.30 The Secret Life of Us 02.20 The Secret Life of Us 03.10 FILM: The Phantom of the Opera**** 04.45 Goldfrapp: Twisted Summer
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Dream Holiday Home 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Uncommon Valor ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Irene is overwhelmed with worry for Nick. Flynn and Sally are overjoyed with Sophie's arrival, meaning an inevitable threesome involving using hairbrushes as dildos, fishing nets and lard for lube. And many, many post-coital cigarettes. And who's paid Rhys's bills? Most likely Rhys himslef, but obviously he has been struck by the soap epidemic of amnesia. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Football: Euro 2004 Play-off: Holland v Scotland 21.35 FILM: Robocop 3** 23.35 Murder Detectives: Case Files: Seeds of Destruction 00.35 Football: Euro 2004 Play-off: Holland v Scotland 02.25 NHL Ice Hockey: Detroit Red Wings v Columbus Blue Jackets 05.35 European Drag Racing Championship
BBC3
ITV2
E4
SKY 1
C4
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Elvis' Rock Shrine 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? Certainly not. In fact, I’m extremely sore due to a night of unabashed rogering and a severe case of herpes. But at least I’ve perfected my revenge technique by creating an STD epidemic in the GR orifices... 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 Robbie Williams: Why He Did what He Did Don’t ask me! As far as I’m concerned he needs to be boiled in baby oil. And not for any purpose of vaguely sexual relations either (how unlike me). 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 Absolutely Fabulous 22.00 FILM: Deep Rising*** 23.40 Sex, Lies and Michael Aspel 00.40 Liquid News 01.10 Casino 02.05 Sex Warts and All USA
09.25 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Chart Choice This week's top music videos. 18.00 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question Why are my pubes a different colour to my hair? 20.00 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.05 Airline 22.35 Coronation Street 23.05 Real Crime: Kenny Noye - A Face from the Past 00.05 The Joy of Decks 00.35 Jerry Springer 01.25 Late Show with David Letterman 02.15 Judge Judy 02.40 Teleshopping 03.40 Trisha 04.40 Trisha Extra 05.10 David Letterman
10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Joey dates Janine, but she does not like his friends. I’m not fucking surprised: they’re the most incestual friends in the world, surely? Rachel worries that Phoebe will not appreciate the way she furnishes their apartment, so probably fists her in compensation. Probably. 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek Joey writes Dawson an emotional email but sends it to the entire campus by mistake. No doubt meaning she’ll question her sexuality, etc. etc. 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Perfect Match USA 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 Distraction 23.05 Little Friends 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 The Salon 00.45 Hollyoaks 01.15 Perfect Match USA 02.10 Sex and the City 02.40 Distraction 03.05 Little Friends 03.25 Celebrity Five Go Dating
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Chasing Secrets ** But whoever I call, no one person will admit to being the fucker who gave me herpes... 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 21.00 Celebrity Couples Behaving Badly 22.00 Sex on the Beach Featuring some Wrexham girls who never go to bed alone. Oh my god, I didn’t realise it was a demographic trait. Yikes, I’m turing into a true Wrexhamite... 23.00 Being David Beckham 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 JAG 03.30 Cops 03.55 Fear Factor UK 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty!
As S4C, except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Rat-a-Tat-Tat. 9.50 Maths Mansion 3. 10.10 Natural Hazards. 10.25 Making It. 10.35 Extra 3. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Improving City Schools. 11.50 Self Portrait UK. 11.55 Making It. 12.30 Cheers 12.55 Cheers 13.25 FILM: Comanche Station**** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Animated Minds 20.00 Location, Location, Location 20.30 How Clean Is Your House? 21.00 No Going Back: Australia 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 The Matrix Defence 23.50 Adult at 14: Lovestruck 00.55 4 Music: Ear Candy 01.25 4 Music: Sound Travels 01.50 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 02.10 Stereophonics 02.40 4 Music: 4 Play 02.50 Rave Against the Machine 03.15 Adult at 14: Kids On Porn 04.15 Adult at 14: Fourteen Alone 05.15 Countdown
SAS: Are You Tough Enough? BBC3 7.30pm
Wednesday 19 November
Television
November 17 2003
Page 25
woulditcountasrapeifitwasaghost?@cf.ac.uk
Thursday 20 November BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Bergerac 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 SMart 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Steph's secret threatens to tear the Scully family apart as her mutant tit rampages up and down the street. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Celebrity Bargain Hunt Live 19.30 EastEnders Sharon discovers Dennis hasn't been straight with her. He’s been cottaging with Martin and Barry. 20.00 Superstars 21.00 Crimewatch UK 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Crimewatch UK Update 22.45 Question Time 23.45 Dragon's Eye 00.15 This Week 01.00 FILM: A Change of Heart Made-for-TV adoptive child with a random disease shite. ** 02.45 Sign Zone: Design Rules 03.15 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 04.00 Sign Zone: Watchdog 04.30 Joins BBC News 24 TV Andy is hapy to report that his debut live DJ set went down an absolute storm last night. One happy punter allegedly said “It brought tears to my eyes.” That’s the last time I mix Kid606, Merzbow and Venetian Snares...
06.00 CBeebies: Pingu 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Fix and Foxi 07.30 The New Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Sergeant Stripes 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Watch 10.50 The Way Things Work 11.05 Bobinogs 11.20 Focus - Citizenship 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 FILM: Penny Serenade *** 14.55 Country House 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.30 Counties of Wales: Brecon 20.00 Escape to the Country 21.00 Horizon A look at American journalist Michael Drosnin's claims that he can see into the future using a 3,000-year-old code hidden in the Bible. His massive winnings at the bookies might indicate he’s on to something. 21.50 The Rise and Fall 22.00 QI With Alan Davies, Linda Smith, Bill Bailey and Richard E Grant. “I’m a trained actor, reduced to the status of a panellist.” 22.30 Newsnight With Kirsty Wark. 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The DVD Collection Profiling Debbie Does New Orleans and Four Finger Club XI - Fist Of Fury. 23.55 BBC Four on BBC Two: Armani on Screen 00.30 BBC Learning Zone
06.00 GMTV 08.45 Rugby World Cup 2003 11.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Plastic Surgery Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 SpongeBob SquarePants 16.00 Beat the CyBorgs 16.30 That's So Raven 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House Special Florida Week 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale A new face turns some heads in Emmerdale. That’d be John Merrick, the new face of Max Factor. 19.30 Your Century 20.00 The Bill Smith finds it hard not to get involved when dealing with a victim of male rape. The randy bugger wants a piece of ass for himself obviously. A nice big FNARR for today. 21.00 Holiday Showdown Alicante jousts Ayia Napa. 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 Follow the Fans 23.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 00.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.30 The Joy of Decks 00.55 Love Match 01.20 Turn On Terry With Wogan and a host of naked beauties. Who’ll make him shake hot white coconuts from the veiny love tree? 01.45 Dare to Believe 02.10 CD:UK 03.05 The Machine 03.30 Cybernet 03.55 Motorsport UK 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News The presence of Alex in the office tonight has added an air of danger to the office tonight - we’ve tried to cut his hair off twice.
BBC3
ITV2
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Tupac's Rock Shrine 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 The Third Degree 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Love for Sale: The American Dream Series following the highs and lows of two brothels near Carson City, Nevada. An economic recession in the wake of September 11 has caused business to suffer. Some of the girls cope better than others by dressing as Bin Laden and allowing themselves to be buggered like infidels. 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Little Britain 01.30 Love for Sale
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Dancing in the Street 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale Eddie is delighted by a find in Jarvis's shed. Mr Cocker’s been living a bit rough since Pulp took a break. 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.00 Airline 20.30 Airline 21.00 Family 22.00 FILM: Gone in 60 Seconds Shite remake, made watchable by Jolie’s pert norks. ** (for the nubs) 00.10 The Frank Skinner Show 01.00 Jerry Springer 01.50 Late Show with David Letterman
The Trap Door C4 6am
Turn On Terry ITV1 1.20 am
S4C
five
06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 11.05 The Hoobs 11.30 Bitesize Gwyddoniaeth Ffiseg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Lisabeth 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 16.15 Planed Plant: Hotel Eddie 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Wawffactor! 19.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Welsh in a Week 21.00 Pawb a'i Farn 22.00 Slaymaker Gary 22.30 Fideo Mondo 23.05 V Graham Norton 23.45 Daisy Daisy 00.15 Scrubs 00.40 Adult at 14: Lovestruck 01.40 FILM: Carry On Screaming Classic Carry On - probably the finest of the series. A loving homage to the Hammer horror films Kenneth Williams and the pneumatic Fenella Fielding, who also appeared in Uncle Jack - classic. **** 03.20 Freesports on 4: NASS Peterborough 03.55 Ysgolion The office grinds to a halt as Alex and TV John perform a variety of top notch Zane Lowe impressions. They’re uncannily accurate and filled with the sort of words we aren’t allowed to print anymore.
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Domestic Magic 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Everybody's Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Sally is excited about her little miracle. Those rampant rabbits are loved by all. 18.30 Family Affairs Benji tries to persuade Kelly to keep the baby by barking and wagging his tail. 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 FILM: The Battle of Britain **** 22.35 FILM: Scarred City Typical five soft porn thriller with a call girl. *** 00.25 Real Sex 01.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 01.45 Dutch Football: ADO Den Haag v Ajax 03.05 Argentinian Football 04.25 Argentinian Football Highlights 05.15 Major League Soccer I have the rare and unusual pleasure of sitting next to our Sports Editor Riath tonight, voted by an expert panel of judges to be the most hated columnist on the paper. Even Cobley got more love than him. It’ll be Rat’s halitosis that does it.
E4
SKY 1
C4
10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends Rachel’s sister tries to sleep with Ross. That Reece Witherspoon’s a dirty little skank. 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Joe Millionaire - The Aftermath 22.00 Sex and the City The girls are invited to a Playboy bash. What’s the bet Hugh fancies a piece of Samantha? 22.35 Queer as Folk 23.55 V Graham Norton 00.35 The Salon 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.30 The Michael Essany Show 02.00 Joe Millionaire - The Aftermath 02.45 Sex and the City 03.10 The Michael Essany Show Musically this week’s been a bit weird as I’ve got all my uptempo CDs from last night with me so the selection’s been more banging than blissed out, Daft Punk and Andrea Parker making us prance like perky tits.
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Brief Lives: Catherine *** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 21.00 Fear Factor UK In this edition, they face a flooding tunnel. That colonic irrigation’s a scary ordeal I’ve been told. 22.00 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos Kirsty Gallacher introduces saucy clips from home videos. Bet it won’t be as good as that Paris Hilton film which I happened to download yesterday. Good family entertainment. Hehehehehe. 22.30 Scare Tactics 23.00 Naked Angels in Beach Paradise 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Angel
As S4C except: 06.00 The Trap Door AWESOME!!!! Another classic cult moment rescued from the archives. Set the alarms for this one, kids. 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Physical Processes 3. 9.50 Maths Mansion 4. 10.10 Arrows of Desire. 10.35 Extra 3: Auf Deutsch. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 The Virtual Body. 11.45 Living and Growing 3. 12.30 Water Stories 12.35 Exposed: The Wedding 12.45 Cheers 13.15 FILM: Out of the Clouds ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Darren sabotages Norman's birthday meal for Mr Osbourne. I bet Ozzy’s fucking fuming. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Animated Minds 20.00 Tales from River Cottage 20.30 French Leave 21.00 Ancient Egyptians: Tomb Robbers 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Daisy Daisy 23.15 Forbidden Fruit 00.20 Top Ten TV 01.50 Armageddon Cup 02.20 KOTV TV John’s just exclaimed “That’s a fantastic picture of an arse.” Hmmm.
Thursday 20 November
Television
Page 26
November 17 2003
frothyflaps@cf.ac.uk
Friday 21 November BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Kennedy 40: JFK Legend and Leader Target and Bleeder more like. 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Bergerac 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Rugrats 16.20 The Basil Brush Show 16.45 Rugrats 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Hopefully Sky will have dumped that skankweed Boyd by now. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Children in Need Inane tedious bugger-for-nothing scroungers being thoroughly un-hilarious. Although it’s for a good cause, so that makes all this fuckabilly acceptable. 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Children in Need With Kool And The Gang for some reason. And Atomic Kitten for another. 02.05 FILM: Up the Chastity Belt Hmm... BBC1 choose to follow up Children In Need with a film with Frankie Howard featuring a chastity belt. Possibly BBC hinting that the best way to avoid the problem of children being in need is not to have any. Or have they dedicated so much air time to their charity japes that any old shit with Frankie Howard will do to fill up the space? Who knows? I think both answers are right. I don’t like children anyway, everyone should wear chastity belts. ** 03.35 Joins BBC News 24
06.00 CBeebies: Pingu 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 The Lampies 07.30 Round the Twist Thank god this is on again. In the unlikely event of C4 ever showing Eerie Indiana again, we’ll have to make do with this. 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Noah's Island 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Little Robots 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Speak for Yourself 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 FILM: Every Girl Should Be Married *** 14.20 Racing from Ascot 16.00 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Celebrity Relics With Anthea Turner, Gary Wilmot, John Leslie, Freddy Starr, and the godfather of the relics, Hugh Scully. 18.30 Top of the Pops 19.00 FightBox 19.30 Time Flyers: The Stonehenge of the North 20.00 Small Town Gardens 20.30 Gardeners' World 21.00 Timewatch: Britain's Greatest Hoax 21.50 The Rise and Fall: Egyptian Old Kingdom 22.00 As Time Goes By 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland With Annie Lennox (urgh), Ryan Adams (yay), Oumou Sangare (err...) and the 22-20s (fuck-awful). 00.35 The X Files 01.20 FILM: The Ticket ** 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Plastic Surgery Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 What about Mimi? 16.00 Fingertips 16.20 You Can Do Magic But you can fuck off. 16.30 All Grown Up! If this is that Rugrats spin-off where they’re all really old and Tommy has gone skate-punk, then this can go away. 17.00 I Want That House Special Florida Week 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 A Touch of Frost When a beautiful woman is found dead in a car park, the list of suspects leads Jack Frost into the heart of a religious community. Because obviously, psychopaths who kill beautiful women are deeply religious. Give the man a promotion. 22.00 House of Horrors 22.30 ITV Weekend News 23.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 23.30 The Food Show 00.35 FILM: Diabolique A fitting number of stars here: * 02.35 ITV at the Festivals 03.30 Mixmasters 03.55 Entertainment Now! Still on at five to four, still hilarious. Get a grip. 04.20 World Football 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Anorexia is phat. But bulimia is sick.
A Touch of Frost ITV1 8pm
S4C 06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Popcorn 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Dau Ddisgo ac Angladd See pick of the week. 20.30 Pobol y Cwm 21.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 21.30 How Clean Is Your House? Apparently unmissable television, although I’ve not seen it yet. But you might have, so um, watch it again. 22.00 Catching Up with the Osbournes 22.35 V Graham Norton . 23.15 Bo Selecta: The Xmas Single The first playing of the guaranteed-to-be-utterly-shit single. Given the competition (The Darkness, and the compelling version of Mad World by Gary Jules used in Donnie Darko) this is about as deserving to be number one is as the BNP are deserving to be ruling the country. And hopefully it’s about as likely. 23.25 The Pilot Show Finally on terrestrial, this is going to be good. 23.55 Dirty Sanchez 00.25 South Park 00.55 Distraction 01.25 FILM: Nightwatch. ***
five 06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.25 Domestic Magic 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Married to a Stranger * 17.30 five news Charlie Stayt. 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 Dream Holiday Home 21.00 FILM: The Assignment *** 23.20 FILM: Cold Sweat ** 01.10 FILM: Babies Hmm... ANOTHER film about the trials and tribulations of having children. I sense a theme, definitely. But it has reminded me of the song of the same name by Pulp, which is probably much better than this morbid and morose sounding drama. *** 02.40 FILM: Bloodhounds of Broadway Again, don’t get excited, this has Randy Quaid in it. ** 04.05 Starting From Scratch 04.30 High School Reunion 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters
BBC3
ITV2
E4
SKY 1
CH 4
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Bob Marley's Rock Shrine 19.30 FightBox 20.00 Celebdaq 20.30 EastEnders 21.00 Sex, Lies and Michael Aspel 22.00 Celebrity Dog School 22.40 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 23.10 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 00.05 What Not to Wear 00.35 Celebdaq 01.05 Sex, Lies and Michael Aspel 02.05 Stupid Punts 02.35 India's Ladyboys 03.35 Celebdaq Interestingly, TV Desk went for a quick pint earlier in the Graduate Centre earlier, and yum, is it ever swanky. Just makes you want to stay in Cardiff forever, and never leave university properly. Really. The Guinness didn’t even smell of rancid meat, although the mince pie dish ashtrays need a bit of work. Overall rating: 8/10.
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Movies Now 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale Emily becomes suspicious of Eddie as he continues to hoodwink Viv and Bob. Fnarr. Viv AND Bob. 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Dancing in the Street 20.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.30 Pop Idol Extra 22.00 The Joy of Decks 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 23.30 The Making of Matrix Revolutions 00.00 Pop Idol Extra 01.25 Jerry Springer Go away.
10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek Audrey becomes the singer of a punk band. Good for her! Although the Dawson’s Creek idea of “punk” will probably contain more froth than your idea of punk. 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Wife Swap Changed My Marriage 22.00 Little Friends 22.35 Little Friends 23.05 Little Friends 23.35 Master and Commander 00.05 V Graham Norton 00.45 The Salon 01.15 Hollyoaks 01.40 The Secret Life of Us 02.40 The Secret Life of Us 03.25 Little Friends Music time: This week I highly recommend the immense new album by Canadian indie-punks The Weakerthans, called Reconstruction Site. Go and buy it. Also still listening to Low, deciding latest flavour of...
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Atomic Twister ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.30 Scrubs 21.00 Dead Like Me 22.00 Angel 23.00 Unofficial World Records of Sex This week featuring the longest lapdance and naked cycling. 23.30 Double Entry 00.00 Mile High 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Angel 03.30 JAG 04.20 Shipmates 04.55 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty! ...the month The Distillers aren’t actually very good, still waiting for the new album from metalcore warriors From Autumn To Ashes, and Andrew WK is still a genius. Yay.
As S4C except: 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Brain Box. 10.20 Book Box: Malorie Blackman and Jamila Gavin. 10.35 What's This Channel 4? 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Extra 3: En Espanol. 11.50 Making It. 11.55 Quit. 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: The Yangtse Incident *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 The Art Show Presented by journalist Jon Ronson who travels to Bel Air to meet his idol, Uncle Phil. 20.00 Unreported World: A Quick Fix 20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 Catching Up with the Osbournes 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Distraction 23.25 The Pilot Show 23.55 Dirty Sanchez 00.25 South Park 00.55 The PJs 01.25 The PJs 01.50 Abe's Manhood 02.05 Adult at 14: Lovestruck Documentary about a bisexual girl trying to get her gay boyfriend to convert. Surely some mistake here? Gay boy? Bisexual girl? Hmm?
Dead Like Me Sky One 9pm
Friday 23 November
Television
November 17 2003
Page 27
nymphosareus@cf.ac.uk
Saturday 22 November BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Enchanted Lands 06.40 Moomin 07.05 UBOS 07.30 Mona the Vampire 07.40 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 What's New Scooby Doo? 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Racing 14.35 Rugby World Cup News 14.40 Snooker 15.45 Football Half-Times 15.50 Snooker 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.35 Open All Hours 18.05 Weakest Link 18.55 Here Comes the Sun 19.45 National Lottery Wright around the World 20.20 Casualty 21.10 BBC News; Weather 21.30 Parkinson 22.35 FILM: LA Confidential ***** ”Best film of the 90s!” exclaim a rather overenthusiastic News Desk, possibly just to irritate me. Or News’ housemate John. Either way, I don’t think I’ll be staying in to watch it. I might just lie in bed and think about James Lance till I spontanteously come without even touching myself... Now there’s something to keep you warm on a cold November’s night. 00.50 FILM: Elmore Leonard's Gold Coast ** Complex crime drama about a widow who will only inherit her mobster husband's fortune if she stays away from men for the rest of her life. God, the possibilities... The arrival of a kind-hearted drifter (twee alert) soon complicates matters. 02.35 Top of the Pops 03.05 Joins BBC News 24
06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Beans? Yes, continually. Why are they red? Why are they round? Etc., etc. 12.00 See Hear 12.45 What the Romans Did for Us 12.55 My Greatest Hits 13.05 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 13.35 Watching the Detectives: The Rockford Files 14.25 Watching the Detectives: Nero Wolfe Mysteries 15.55 Watching the Detectives: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 16.50 What the Papers Say 17.00 Snooker 19.30 Arena: Dylan Thomas 20.20 Kennedy 40: Secrets of Leadership: John F Kennedy 21.10 The Big Read: Top 21 Revealed David Dimbleby recommends Great Expectations, Alan Titchmarsh champions Rebecca and Jo Brand argues for 1984. What are GR’s favourite reads? TV John: The Dice Man. News Desk: 1984. Well that’s not on, as Jo Brand’s got her fat arse in before you. I recommend The Joy Of Sex, a seminal read of my youth that has shaped my life (not to mention all my orifices). I particularly advise you to peruse the edition with colour illustrations. The bearded man really puts his follicles to good use... 22.40 Room 101 Linda Smith's dislikes are Tim Henman and adults who read Harry Potter. Er, how completly gash. What a shitty, elitist thing to say. I love Harry, and I’m the most intelligentest, maturest person you’ll ever meet. 23.10 Snooker 00.10 Snooker Extra 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize: English 3
06.00 GMTV 08.45 Rugby World Cup 2003 11.30 On the Ball 12.20 ITV News; Weather 12.25 HTV News and Weather 12.30 CD:UK 13.30 CD:UK Special 14.00 SMTV Gold What the fuck is this all about? So lame it’s crippled. 16.10 Rugby World Cup 2003 17.10 HTV News and Weather 17.25 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.40 Kylie Live Behind the scenes, we see Kylie oiling her anus and sliding a golden g-string as far up as it will go, in an attempt to cover for the fact that a gormless gurner will be singing in the wings for Kyles as the petite one mimes her way through a ‘live’ performance. And maybe she’ll snog Dannii, in an incestuous attempt to detract further attention from said choirlady. 18.40 Pop Idol 19.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 20.45 ITV Weekend News 21.00 Pop Idol Results 21.30 Single 22.30 The Premiership 00.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 01.00 The Frank Skinner Show 01.45 Harry Hill's TV Burp 02.10 DJs Forever 03.05 CD:UK Hotshots 03.30 Turn On Terry 03.55 Entertainment Now! 04.20 Cybernet 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News So, I was speaking with Amber Duval the other day. Do you know, she’s had more STDs than me? High achiever.
Teen Wolf five 5.15pm
S4C
five
06.45 Scrapheap Challenge 07.45 G4 Global Challenge 2003 08.15 G4 Global Challenge 2003 08.45 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 11.20 Scrapheap Challenge 12.20 Andromeda 13.05 Smash Hits Chart 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Huntingdon and Lingfield Park 15.30 The First World War 16.30 FILM: The Englishman Who Went up a Hill but Came down a Mountain *** 18.15 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 19.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.30 Twrio 20.30 Noson Lawen 21.30 Naw Tan Naw Sitcom set in a Denbighshire supermarket. What? They have supermarkets in Denbigh? With the opening of the new post office, extra security is needed at Gwalia Stores. Well, yes, of course. Post office workers are notoriously sticky-fingered. A gloomy Beryl receives news about her marriage. Aha, now I see the connection... Her husband-to-be’s sticky fingers are a direct result of interfering with the post office assitant with the big norks and face like a bulldog. So Beryl sent extra security... 22.00 Brits Go to Hollywood: Hugh Grant I saw this lastweek and realised that Hugh is not as much of a flange as I thought. And is actually rather arousing... 23.00 FILM: Four Weddings and a Funeral**** 01.10 FILM: Ring**** 03.00 FILM: The Ring 2*** 04.40 KOTV James Lance and I tussle in syrup...
06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 FAQ 06.35 Michaela's Wild Challenge 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake! 08.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 12.50 Robot Wars 13.55 Edgemont 14.25 Flaunt Chart Show 14.55 Home and Away Omnibus 17.00 five news and sport 17.15 FILM: Teen Wolf *** Comedy about a teenager whose life begins to improve dramatically after he discovers he is the latest of his family to inherit a werewolf gene. His lycanthropic abilities not only turn him into the most popular student in his school, but also transform the fortunes of his ailing basketball team. See pick of the week. 18.55 Charmed 19.50 five news and sport 20.10 Loch Ness Monster: The Search for the Truth 21.10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.05 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 23.00 Law and Order 00.00 FILM: Flashpoint** 01.35 Boxing Classic: Paul Weir v Jake Matlala & Wayne McCullogh v Johnny Bredahl 02.25 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Kelvin Davis v Louis Azille 03.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 04.20 That 70s Show 04.45 That 70s Show 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters
BBC3
ITV2
E4
SKY 1
C4
19.00 Human Race 19.05 Superstars 20.05 FightBox 21.10 FILM: JFK **** Oliver Stone's controversial re-creation of the 1963 Kennedy assassination in Dallas and its aftermath, focusing on the investigations of New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison. Mixing documentary footage, reconstruction and speculation, the film advances a conspiracy theory to account for one of American history's darkest chapters, linking government corruption, the Vietnam War, and the intelligence community with the killing. Sounds like complete gash to me, but hell, if you’re still at home on Saturday night watching BBC3 rather than finding some tart on St Mary Street for jizz-related shenanigans, then you might like it. 00.10 The Third Degree 01.10 Little Britain 01.40 Monkey Dust 02.10 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 02.40 Celebdaq 03.05 FightBox
09.25 SMTV Gold 11.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 15.55 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 17.00 Movies Now Featuring Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, Martin Freeman, Keira Knightly and Martine McCutcheon in Richard Curtis's romantic comedy Love Actually. Gotta admit, I do really quite want to see this. But don’t tell anyone. 17.10 Pop Idol Extra 18.40 Rugby World Cup 2003 19.45 Pop Idol Extra 21.00 The Making of Master and Commander A fly-on-the-wall documentary about my sex life. 21.30 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 22.00 Million Dollar Babes 22.30 Office Monkey 23.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 00.00 Pop Idol 01.05 Pop Idol Extra 02.10 Pop Idol Results 02.35 Pop Idol Extra The Results 03.05 Teleshopping 04.05 Blind Date: Kiss and Tell 05.00 Trisha
14.00 The Salon: Reappointment 15.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.30 Friends Chandler gets into trouble with his homemade gift for Monica. Yes, well a cucumber isn’t exactly the most imaginative idea for a dildo, even when peeled. 18.00 Friends When fire damages their apartment, Rachel and Phoebe have to choose between staying with Joey or Monica. Ross gets into trouble when he teaches how to perform fellatio even when your face is too long to fit into another’s groin. 18.30 G Girls 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Bo Selecta: The Xmas Single An exclusive showing of the video for Avid Merrion's new festive single. “Avid Merrion should be shot, and that fucking mask burnt. Shamone, motherfucker!” TV Andy shows us his angry side. And you know, it’s actually quite exciting. 21.10 Joe Millionaire 22.00 Joe Millionaire 22.50 Joe Millionaire - The Aftermath 23.40 E Graham Norton 00.45 Oz 01.45 Oz 02.40 Star Trek
06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Fear Factor UK The fact that I keep having dreams about screwing members of the GR office is pretty scary. Particularly the frequency with which Alex appears. “Was it good?” he squeals. No, it was very, very bad. Funny how dreams are sometimes so accurate. 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Celebrity Couples Behaving Badly 23.00 When Sex Goes Wrong 23.30 Double Entry 00.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 01.50 Kirsty's Home Videos 02.40 Double Entry 03.05 Shipmates 03.30 Star Trek 04.20 Star Trek 05.10 Star Trek
As S4C, except: 06.05 The Hoobs Groove is worried about his treasure chest. So am I: I worry about gravity everyday. But I’ve heard a quick fix to a flagging mammary-valley is a good old tit-wank for some lucky recipient... 06.30 The Hoobs 07.00 G4 Global Challenge 2003 07.30 G4 Global Challenge 2003 08.00 Trans World Sport 09.00 The Morning Line 09.55 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10.50 T4: Friends 11.25 T4: The Salon: Reappointment 12.30 T4: Smash Hits Chart 12.55 T4: Friends 15.30 FILM: The Big Country **** 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 The First World War: War without End Hmm, actually not historically true... 20.00 Seven Ages of Britain: Home 21.00 Brits Go to Hollywood: Sean Connery 22.00 FILM: The Enforcer *** 23.45 FILM: The Hired Hand *** 01.30 Ear Candy 02.10 Incubus Live 02.35 Trevor Nelson's Soul Nation 03.35 Action 04.00 Action 04.25 Norm 04.45 Unreported World: A Quick Fix 05.10 Countdown 05.55 The Clangers
The Making of Master and Commander ITV2 9pm
Saturday 22 November
Television
Page 28
November 17 2003
ohmyachingsides@cf.ac.uk
Sunday 23 November Toy Of The Year Show ITV 1 3.30pm
BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 'Allo 'Allo! 13.25 Keeping Up Appearances 13.55 FILM: The Four Musketeers *** Not a patch on the Dogtanian cartoons as a unanimous shouts of joy from the office at its mention attest. 15.40 EastEnders 17.05 Lifeline 17.15 BBC News 17.40 Songs of Praise from the USA 18.15 Antiques Roadshow 19.00 Sea Monsters: To Hell and Back 19.30 Ground Force Revisited 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Charles II - The Power and the Passion Bugger looking at the old monarchs, I’d rather find out what old trophy ears has been up to with his manservants. Camilla seems to be keeping a bit quiet about it all, maybe that’s because she’s actually Rod Hull in drag. 22.00 BBC News 22.15 Panorama: Still Chasing Saddam's Weapons How long before they actually admit he didn’t have any to start with, eh? Bush = c*nt. 23.05 On Show 23.35 FILM: The River Wild Whitewater rafting an interesting film does not make... ** 01.25 Sign Zone: Mortgage Madness I doubt this will be any more interesting with someone waving their arms frantically next to the screen. 01.55 Sign Zone: What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 02.25 Sign Zone: Panorama 03.20 Joins BBC News 24
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Arthur 06.55 Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 To the Manor Born 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Sunday Grandstand 12.45 Rugby League: Great Britain v Australia 13.30 Racing from Aintree 14.55 Snooker 17.15 Badger Country Possibly a more “local” version of the drug induced “Bat Country” of Fear and Loathing... 17.25 Desert Elephants and Lost Lions 17.55 Natural World: Dune A look at spice mining on the planet Arrakis. Sting features wearing very few clothes... 18.45 Snooker Yawn 20.00 Top Gear 21.00 Kennedy 40: Kennedy Assassination More importantly it’s 40 years since the debut of Dr Who. That’s something to celebrate. 22.30 Coupling 23.00 Gimme Gimme Gimme 23.30 Red Dwarf IV Kryten falls in love with a fellow 4,000-series mechanoid he rescues from a crashed vessel. Classic shapechanging sex mutant scenes. 23.55 Snooker 00.55 Snooker Extra 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize: Maths 1 04.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 1-2 05.00 Make Your Mark: Planning Your Future Even if I space all of this out there’s still a huge gap to fill. Arse, tits, bollocks, wank. This is all the fault of the lecturer who decided a 3 practical on Word would be a good idea. Waste of time.
06.00 GMTV 11.00 John Meets Paul: A Mediterranean Journey 11.30 My Favourite Hymns 12.30 Waterfront 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 HTV News and Weather 14.00 Soccer Sunday 14.30 Girls in Love 15.00 Girls in Love 15.30 The Toy of the Year Show 2003 16.30 The Angry Beavers 16.45 HTV News and Weather 17.00 Tidy 17.30 The Toy of the Year Show 2003 - Result Office suggestions include: “The Rampant Rabbit” exclaims one editor excitedly squirming in her chair. “Ikea snakes”, chips in TV John “They’re like 2 metres long and really cool.” “Teddy Ruxpin”, pipes up Riath. “I lost my virginity to that bear,” he later admits “It went from saying “I love you” to “I feel all dirty” in a matter of weeks.” I’d choose my iPod obviously... 18.00 ITV News 18.20 Costa Living 18.50 New You've Been Framed! 19.20 Creature Comforts 19.30 Coronation Street An embarrassed Ashley and Claire are forced to bunk up together but things soon warm up when his swollen genitals poke into her back. 20.00 The Royal 21.00 Foyle's War 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.05 The Adventure of English 00.15 Whose Right Is It Anyway? Mine, all mine dammit! 00.45 Paradise Found 01.10 Trisha 02.05 Surviving the Wild 03.00 Present Time 03.25 World Sport 03.50 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News
BBC3
ITV2
E4
SKY 1
C4
19.00 Fame Academy: The Winner's Story Sing Coldplay badly, stick a hedgehog on your head and release a crap ballad no one will buy. 20.00 Jerry Hall's Gurus Jerry Hall explores the world of spiritual advisers and the celebrities who are influenced by them. Whoever thought up this genius piece of programming. I can see the viewers flocking to 3 for this... 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 Dreamspaces 22.00 Absolutely Fabulous 22.30 Jordan: The Truth about Me 23.30 Casino 00.25 Love for Sale 00.55 Fame Academy: The Winner's Story 01.55 Jerry Hall's Gurus 02.50 Dreamspaces 03.20 Love for Sale Big up to Carl and Lee for letting me DJ, Anticon and Shockout Records for the top tunes and my beautiful Amy B who keeps me sane! xxxxx
09.25 The Premiership 10.30 Pop Idol 11.40 Pop Idol Extra 12.50 Pop Idol Results 13.20 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 13.50 Planet's Funniest Animals 14.10 Emmerdale Omnibus 17.05 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.30 The Making of Master and Commander 20.00 Pop Idol 21.10 Pop Idol Extra 22.20 Pop Idol Results 22.50 Pop Idol Extra - The Results WE DON’T FUCKING CARE YOU BIG WASTE OF PROGRAMMING. Who wants to watch three hours of solid Pop Idol? 23.20 Coronation Street 23.55 The Frank Skinner Show Frank Skinner hosts the topical comedy show featuring sketches, stand-up and guests Johnny Vegas, David Seaman and Cheryl Tweedy. I wonder if the little minx will be opening a can of whupass on the cheeky Brummie.
10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.00 The West Wing An old friend of Toby's approaches him ready to blow the whistle on his employer's violation of environmental laws. Is the new series any good? I’ve no idea, I’ve still got terrestial. *sulks* 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Joe Millionaire - The Aftermath 22.50 Bo Selecta: The Xmas Single An exclusive showing of the video for Avid Merrion's new festive single. Fetch the shotgun Ma - he’s going down... 23.00 Fashion Rocks for the Prince's Trust 01.05 Little Friends 01.30 The West Wing 02.20 Dawson's Creek 03.00 Little Friends 03.20 Your Face or Mine? It’d be nice for E4 to actually show some programmes for a change. I’ve got the worst stomach cramps in the entire world and it’s nearly 1am. My life is slowly falling apart and I want my girlfriend...
06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Futurama 12.30 Malcolm in the Middle 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Keen Eddie 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Temptation Island 22.00 Is Harry on the Boat? It is up to DJ Spoony to save the day. Dear God, we’re all fucked then. 23.00 Sex on the Beach Featuring some Wrexham girls who never go to bed alone. Hmm TV Holly’s from Wrexham. No wonder TV Steve’s so tired.... 00.00 Naked in Blackpool 01.00 Is Harry on the Boat? 01.50 Scrubs
As S4C except: 07.10 Bug Alert! 07.35 The Kids from Room 402 08.00 Totally Spies! 08.25 Smash Hits Chart 08.55 T4 09.50 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.20 T4: G Girls 12.55 T4: Union Jack 13.30 Catching Up with the Osbournes 13.55 Friends 14.30 Will and Grace 15.00 Friends 15.30 Headliners: Beyonce 16.05 Robbie: Live at Knebworth 17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.40 Enterprise 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Matt's Old Masters: Titian Some painter apparently... 21.00 FILM: The Wedding Planner Avoid like the proverbial disease riddled sports editor. ** 22.55 J-Lo: Behind the Behind 00.00 V Graham Norton: Look Back 01.05 FILM: Central Station **** 02.55 FILM: Yield to the Night *** 04.35 First Person: Killer Inside Me 05.05 Stuck 05.10 Countdown 05.55 The Clangers
The Wedding Planner Channel 4 9.00pm
S4C
five
06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Insektors 07.10 Ivor the Engine 07.15 Bug Alert! 07.40 Totally Spies! 08.05 Spider-Man 08.35 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 09.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 G Girls 13.30 Union Jack 14.00 Stargate SG-1 14.55 Star Trek 15.50 Maniffesto 16.25 Xtra Omnibws 17.25 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cefn Gwlad 21.00 Pwy Ysgrifennodd y Testament Newydd? 22.05 Newyddion 22.20 FILM: Rain Man With Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise. Oscar winning classic portrayal of a idiot savant and his manipulative brother. Great banging head scenes whilst shouting in a high pitched voice. Hoffman actually went mental during filming and his stuntman now plays all his roles. **** 00.50 The Matrix Defence A justification of the enormous let down of the last two films I hope... 01.50 FILM: Small Time Crooks Directed by Woody Allen. *** 03.25 FILM: Audition Superb chilling horror film directed by Takashi Miike. You’ll need a strong stomach but this is one of the finest Japanese horror films in recent years. ***** If you hadn’t already guessed I was lying about Dustin being a mental - he’s actually just nuts. Hehehehe.
06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 Beachcomber Bay 06.35 Dappledown Farm 07.00 A House That's Just like Yours 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Morris 2274 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Stepping Up 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.15 Madonna and Child 13.45 FILM: Silver Streak *** 15.45 Dream Holiday Home 16.20 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver 16.45 five news and sport 17.00 FILM: The Karate Kid Part II Awesome leg sweeping scenes. This film still has a shred of credibility about it, which is more than could be said about the other name tarnishing travesties that followed. *** 19.00 Robot Wars 20.00 Monkey Magic 20.30 Movie Mistakes Uncovered Uncut 21.00 FILM: Sanctuary 23.05 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.00 Alias Has everyone forgotten about this? Touted as the next big thing, it’s relegated to the graveyard shift... 00.55 Golf - The Challenge 01.20 NFL Live: Miami Dolphins v Washington Redskins 04.30 Major League Soccer: New England Revolution v DC United
Sunday 23 November
Page 30
Five minute fun
November 17 2003
grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk
The following is an important announcement... Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what hapThe drug is generally found in pened to them the night before, liquid form and is now available often with just a vague feeling almost anywhere. It comes in that something bad occurred. bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their "Beer" is used by female sexual life's savings in a familiar scam predators at parties and bars to known as "a relationship." It has persuade their male victims to been reported that in extreme go home and have sex with cases, the female may even be them. Typically, a woman needs
shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Rugby Clubs" in the yellow pages.
The Half-Arsed Quiz
Sorry Gavin, no prizes awarded to people who slag off the paper in their tiebreakers. To win this excellent prize bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union. But first, complete this simple tie-breaker as imaginatively as possible.... We all know there are more ways than one to skin a cat. Name them. ______________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick). Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am. 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805
1. My Adidas 2. Exeter City 3. Christian Bale 4. A turkey, a fez and giant sunglasses 5. Stagecoach 6. Emma
Last week’s winner is Tom Collins, who cleverly suggested we could make Daley Thompson cry by printing pictures of him being whipped by the Jamaican Bobsleigh team using a cold and wet towel. If you didn’t read last week’s edition this will make no sense. If you did read it, thanks.
1. Which sportswear brand is mentioned in the title of a Run DMC song? 2. Which ex-league team narrowly failed to make the first round of the FA Cup after they were beaten on penalties in the away replay at Gravesend and Northfleet? 3. Who plays the title role in Christopher Nolan’s new Batman movie? 4. In Friends, what is Monica wearing on her head the first time Chandler says he loves her? 5. What was John Wayne’s first collaboration with John Ford? 6. Which book was Clueless roughly based on?
A Round Table Tale King Arthur was imprisoned by a neighbouring monarch and was offered his freedom, if he could the question "What do women really want?" within a year. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to a wise old witch. She agreed to answer his question, but at a price. The ugly old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, told Arthur no sacrifice was
too great to save his friends. The wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question, "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life." The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life, and granted him total freedom and the wedding took place. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom and the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him. The beauty said that since he had been so kind to her, half the time she would be her horrible
deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she'd be beautiful all the time because he had respected her, and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly. Underneath it all, she's still a witch... and don't you forget it.
Matt’s Problem Page
November 17 2003
Page 31
(Or answers from the Angry Man inside him: grproblempage@cf.ac.uk)
Wet
Problem of the Week Dear gair rhydd, Right, I’m writing this on behalf of my house. We have a housemate and he has a problem with his big toe. The nail is (seriously) an inch long, and its turned a really manky black colour. We are really struggling to sit in the same room with his rotten toenail because it’s honestly so gross. He leaves his socks and trainers on the settees after he’s played football and refuses to take his shin pads off ‘cos they’re "comfy". They fucking stink! I don’t know what to do and know my mates are finding it hard to cope too. Is it unreasonable to be offended? We can’t say anything to him because he’s a nationalist and he’s quite hard. Thanks mate Owen (second year)
Closets Dear gair rhydd, This is going to sound really weird but about a week ago I went to my boyfriend’s house a bit earlier than we’d planned and well, I walked in his room and he was, like naked, save the pair of knickers and bra I’d left at his house a few days before. He seemed surprised and told me to get out. I thought I was imagining it but the next day he seemed to have a bit of mascara left on his eyelashes. What am I meant to do? Every time I mention it he gets really defensive and we end up rowing for ages about it. I love him loads but I can’t carry on knowing he’s wearing women’s clothes when I’m not about. Please offer me some advice, I don’t want to hurt his feelings but its starting to damage us and it’s a bit freaky. Please help me (Name and year withheld)
Firstly, don’t call me mate. I’m not. And I’m never going to be. I reckon there are a couple of things applicable to this deviant. i) You can tie him down (although if he’s a big lad you should get hold of some chloroform, or just waffle some bleach in his face) and tear it off with something. I’d recommend a corkscrew, some sherry, a shoe box and a freshly laid patio. ii) Bring him round here, and I’ll get all fresh up in his face and truffle him up with a cheese grater. If you bring his socks (lest you dare touch them) I’ll bosh them on a fire for you. Small sacrifices accepted. Including children. Matt
Claire, get a grip. Either you’re actually a man or your boyfriend is perhaps (shock!) gay. Some people are gay, you know? Perhaps you’ve driven him to it. Maybe it’s your feet, I don’t know. Maybe you’ve just been an experiment, maybe he thought he’d go out with you "just to check" that he was gay. You were, in fact, the victim of a man in denial. Unless… Yes. That’s it, he’s always been gay, he just thought you looked like a bloke. When you started wearing fancy underwear he took that as an opportunity to join in. His defensiveness is obviously a factor in his passion for role-play. Dear me "Claire", you’ve been misled. If there are other "ladies" out there who are perhaps at the mercy of a covert cross-dresser, then do get in touch. You amuse me. Matt
Welcome to a new section of the paper. Got a problem? Aye, I bet you have. If you want me to offer a shard of light through the current climate of pissing rain, the do email my humble self at grproblempage@cf.ac.uk This may or may not be greeted with a delighted enthusiasm. That’s how it works! Matt Hill
Nob Alright Matt, I’m having a bit of a dilemma. I’m trying to change my style to suit the student life. So far I’ve bought some jeans and ripped them up, I’ve cut my hair so it kinda hangs off my head in a messy style and I’ve bought a couple of sweatbands which look cool on my wrist. I know it’s popular at the moment to wear rock stuff and I guess I want to fit in with cool people at uni ‘cos I’ve never really had any real friends before. I’ve thought about learning to play guitar ‘cos I saw this guy singing the other week and he was just cool. I’ve never really dressed like this and I get a lot of attention when I go out. Was just wondering how I should wear my jeans? I read somewhere that if I wear baggy jeans I have to wear a studded belt, is that true? If so where can I get one from? I want to be liked by people ‘cos I’m a nice person inside so I reckon if I dress well then people
Dear gair rhydd, I’ve just missed my deadline for a really important essay and I’m really worried. What can I do? I feel so stupid, I’m never late, ever, and things have been getting on top of me so much recently, I can’t handle the pressure of work and I keep forgetting things. Last week I forgot to turn the taps off in the kitchen and went out, and my housemates came back to a flooded kitchen and now they’re really pissed off with me. I can’t seem to sort myself out, I can’t even get myself up in the morning and when I go to sleep I keep thinking about everything and I want to cry. Could you give me some advice? I feel really annoyed with myself. Cheers. Rhys (second year) a) Obtain a weapon, preferably something concealable (try local pubs, the chap in the corner with about three teeth might be an idea, but prepare yourself for favouring him, some say he likes beer, but if you’ve got a firm arse then you never know). b) Get up early. I don’t know
will think I’m cool and want to know me. What do you reckon Matt? From Craig (fresher) Glib comments such as "alright Matt" aren’t appropriate for this section. If you want to say "alright" to me then you should do something impressive. Whining about your post-childhood dilemmas is SO 2002, I don’t give a shit what you wear, I don’t care what you look like or whether I can see your arsecrack - Topman and H&M sell nice belts - I don’t care about you, or people like you, or whether you’re nice. Me, I’m lovely, but you my friend, are the kind of minge that needs to be thrown off things, you need to be kicked by small children, you need to get a grip, go home and you need to think about the offensive piffle you obliged me to read.
how you’ll manage this considering your inability to do so but I suppose if you drink enough water prior to bed you’ll wake up with an aching willy pointing in the direction of the commode. c) Slip out of the house unnoticed. By this I mean you don’t shower, you don’t eat Weetabix and you don’t sit with a coffee and act all "woe is me" as Lorraine Kelly’s face depresses you further. d) Upon arrival at your department, ensure a perimeter is secure. That is, you don’t pretend you know people. They don’t like your face, Rhys, and when you walk past they do laugh at you. e) When you get inside, sit down. Cross legged. Take out your weapon and put it under your chin. If you can, start crying, this will augment the drama about to besiege the building. f) Tell them all that you want it to end. g) MEAN IT. h) Then hand in your essay. Smiling. Now go home and apologise. Buy them cake. Or beer, or a gift voucher for A Touch Of Class. Matt
Handy Tip Of the Week! That film came out this month, right? One that most people have waited a hell of a long time for. I went to see it, and I liked it. Nay, I really liked it. I wouldn’t say I loved it because that’s the kind of emotion reserved for the people who grace this page with their problems.
This country.
ANYWAY. Handy tip for the week is: STOP SLAGGING OFF THE NEW MATRIX. You read somewhere it’s bad. It’s cool to think things are bad. Your mate saw it and they said it was poo. I think you’re all lying to each other, and more importantly you’re lying to me. So stop lying about the new Matrix. Because, clearly, it is NOT bad. “But it’s so bland, and the ending is so weak” - NO. The ending was perfectly pitched, no immediate resolution, just a bit of hope for some people with wires sticking in their tits.
Matt
Meh. What’s the problem?
If you would like me to address your problems via the lovely gair rhydd, then do email. I would like to confirm that I’m actually not an evil narcissist or even slightly nasty. Honestly.
Lewarse Lane’s Photo Casebook
To be continued... "Sinead, you’ve got a tongue like pneumatic drill. How am I ever gonna be able to go back to Conner now?
"Daddy’s home from work early! Where’s my naughty little girl?"
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! You said he wouldn’t be back for hours!" "The little fecker’s early. SHITE!"
"What the fuck, Andrea! Who’s this bit of (extremely naked, mmm) meat in MY bed?”
“
You did a good job in almost keeping up with us. The re-birth of Welsh rugby
”
Anna Mackew to Ben Wright, November 2003 GR Sport folio - this week, James Coles
Back page
page 34
Men’s football triumph-Back page
BEN WRIGHT. Below Page 33
Issue 750. 17 November2003 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cardiff.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net
Wright’s weird weekends Each week resident sport monkey Ben Wright experiences what Cardiff University is all about
THERE ARE TWO areas where I really lack self-confidence. Being the ‘new guy’ fitting in with a bunch of people who all know each other, and being confident in front of women. This week saw me combining both, as I went netball training with the Uni B and C teams.
quite catty at times.” I’m just grateful that I decided against wearing a skirt.
things didn’t seem that embarrassing or even particularly difficult. University netball captain and Secretary Anna Mackew and her team were more than helpful in dishing out advice on the game, whilst the fitness was no different to football training. That was until a practice match started.
NERVOUS
EMBARRASSMENT
Before the training started I was a bag of nerves, while the mirth derived at my expense from the Talybont receptionist and photographers Paul and James, hardly helped matters. And my fears of looking like a complete and utter fool didn’t exactly subside when Uni B goal attack, Carys Lyons told me “it’s not as rough as IMG football, but it can get
I found myself playing in a number of positions from goal defence to goal shooter. The latter was of particular amusement to other people as I had the shooting skills of a blindfolded Emile Heskey. But I had a chance to redeem myself. I was given the opportunity to take some shots unchallenged during a break in training. Everyone looked on at me, and after a deep
What would my mum say?
But once the training started
more to come as she deadpanned, “You did a good job in almost keeping up with us.” SWEATY
ay Someone take this aw
breath, I catapulted the ball and it fiercely pierced the net…..after my twelfth attempt from a measly four yards.
On reflection though, the evening was quite fun (and not just because I was getting hot and sweaty with a bunch of good-looking women). Although I felt a little out of place, I was really lucky that the players of the B and C teams had been so helpful in assisting me with the game. I’m grateful that they even passed the ball to me, especially as I was the netball equivalent as the kid who gets picked last for football. Next Week: Our man tries his hand at kickboxing and gets his butt kicked.
KNACKERED After about an hour I was moved to centre, the playmaker role, the position where the player runs everywhere and gets the ball from the back of the court to the front. Sadly my legs and lungs were not up this, and against my opposite number Mackew, I felt like collapsing in a heap. In fact my legs still hurt right now. A gut wrenching two hours and it was all over. I approached Mackew and enquired on my performance. “You were enthusiastic and made quite an impression. You learned the rules quickly and did yourself no shame,” I felt utterly relieved to hear these words of praise, but there was
I’ve had enough of this girly crap
Photos: Paul James and James Dewitt
The end of the road Wales are knocked out of the World Cup by disappointing England
WORLD CUP 2003 By David Williams, Sports Editor
WALES 17 ENGLAND 28 SO, AFTER A FEW thrilling weeks of rugby, Wales’ World Cup campaign has come to an end. For nearly fifty minutes at Brisbane’s Suncorp Stadium, the prospect of a famous win over the old enemy, England, was within their grasp. After the hugely impressive and passion-fuelled performance against the All Blacks in Sydney, the Welsh team outscored the number one ranked team in the world by three tries to one, taking their tally to seven in two matches. An attacking and adventurous
Cooper. A surge over the halfway line then a pass inside to Gareth Thomas had the near capacity crowd on their feet. Thomas then returned the ball to Shane Williams whose juggling act nearly brought the move to an end before a quick flick pass to Stephen Jones saw the outside-half touchdown for a try which had Rokocoko and Howlett in awe. A Wilkinson penalty brought the deficit back to two points after Jones had missed his conversion. Then, on the stroke of halftime, a line out move saw captain Colin Charvis drive over for his third try of the competition. With a 103 lead at the interval the Dragons appeared to be heading to their second World Cup Colin Charvis powers over for Wales’ second try
Wales outplayed an English side, who had been predicted by many to steamroller Steve Hansen’s men. Straight from the kick-off, the Welsh backline made their intentions felt and following some early pressure which saw Robert Sidoli nearly cross over, they created one of the tries of the tournament. Shane Williams, the winger keeping his place from the New Zealand game, fielded an aimless punt downfield from Will Greenwood. Williams’ electrifying burst split the normally watertight English defence before off loading to Gareth
semi-final. But the introduction of Mike Catt in the second half and Jonny Wilkinson’s punishing penalty kicks after a number of Welsh infringements put the match beyond Wales. Jason Robinson’s piercing run through the Welsh defence culminated with Greenwood crossing for a record equaling sixth try in the fixture. And, despite clawing the deficit back only one score after substitute Martyn Williams’ try following another Welsh surge, Wilkinson’s penalties made the job for Colin Charvis’ men just too hard. The final score of 28-17 somewhat flattered an England side who, had it not been for some missed Welsh kicks, would have been on the plane back home. England now face the force of the French machine in the semi-finals who had an emphatic win against an Ireland side who played well below their potential. And, if England play as they did against Wales, their dream of winning the trophy for the first time could turn
A proud team leave the field into a recurring nightmare. For Steve Hansen though, his decision to hold back the attacking tactics showed against New Zealand and England was risky but did pay off. For Welsh rugby, it is now hoped that the form shown by the likes of Shane Williams and the rest of the Welsh squad can be carried into next year’s Six Nations. But it was so nearly a semi-final for Wales.
Sport
Page 34
November 17 2003
grsport@cf.ac.uk knowledge, with the support of the University, can take us in the same direction as Bath. Last week a new massage service began at Talybont Gym. For just £15 you receive the first half-hour consultation and massage, and then receive the next two massages for free over the following two weeks. This is a cheap and great alternative to expensive physio treatment for those small aches and niggles. For information and bookings call 02920 874675. Once again this week the AU teams have shown continued success bringing in more fantastic results. Ladies’ teams including rugby, hockey 3rds, tennis, lacrosse and volleyball still remain unbeaten this season. Not to be out done, the unbeaten men’s teams are badminton 2nds, squash 2nds, football 4ths and hockey 4ths. On a final note I wish the best of luck to the ski and snowboard team that I’m taking to Edinburgh for the British University Championships, held this weekend. The ski 1st team has a good chance of a podium finish thanks to the arrival of some highly talented freshers last September.
By Tom Brown AU President THIS WEEK THE AU held its first Sports Psychology session, which was kindly performed free of charge by Gary Stephens, the Head of Sport and Recreation. In this informal session, which all AU members were invited to attend, Gary spoke about simple and common sense ways in which our teams can gain an edge over the opposition before a match begins. Several issues such as physical preparation, teamwork, officials, key moments and tactics were covered. Gary Stephens has had a lifetime of experience within sport including competing at the World Hockey Championships. He has recently arrived at Cardiff from Bath University where he spent many years improving sport there, proving that sport and academic life can work together successfully. I hope that his expertise and
WOMEN’S CRICKET TALYBONT SPORTS HALL will be the venue this weekend for the women’s indoor cricket tournament. The event, which takes place over both days, is being organised by team captain Katy Lee and has so far attracted ten teams from across England and Wales. Cardiff is hoping to enter three teams this year in the hope of keeping the tradition of successful crick-
BUSA Results
et teams in the University. The rules of indoor cricket differ somewhat to summer cricket. The game is played at a faster tempo with wickets and runs coming thick and fast. With teams only comprised of six players each, teamwork is more important than anything. The Sports Hall at Talybont has several vantage points for spectators and the ladies are hoping that there will be plenty of support for them.
ROUND-UP Wednesday November 12
Men’s Badminton 1sts
Plymouth
Men’s Football 1sts
2-1
Hartpury
Men’s Football 2nds
4-0
Gloucester
Men’s Football 3rds
3-1
Swansea
Men’s Football 4ths
5-0
Newport
Men’s Rugby 1sts
31 - 19
UWE
Men’s Rugby 2nds
3 - 46
UWIC
Men’s Rugby 3rds
14 - 22
Medics
Men’s Hockey 2nds
4-3
UWE
Men’s Hockey 3rds
6-0
Swansea
71 - 74
Brunel
Men’s Hockey 4ths
3-0
Aberystwyth
Golf
4-2
Exeter
Men’s Fencing Women’s Football
113 - 135
Swansea
2-3
Bath
49 - 43
Bath
Women’s Hockey 2nds
4-2
Bath
Women’s Hockey 3rds
6-0
Swansea
Women’s Basketball
Netball 1sts
24 - 68
GR SPORT FOLIO James Cole University Rugby captain By John Stanton UNIVERSITY SPORT is ever changing and with every season comes an influx of new faces and personalities. Their participation and enjoyment is made possible by sporting stalwarts who ascend the pyramid of power and assume roles of responsibility and authority. James Cole is one such man. It is the morning after the day before and I meet a tired looking Cole wondering whether this is the result of a bruising encounter on the rugby field or one too many in Rubber Duck. The question goes unanswered although I guess it may be a combination of the two. The Cardiff 1st XV captain and former Bridgend under-21 flanker demonstrates an obvious passion for his beloved sport and, in particular, Cardiff University Rugby Club. Cole’s manner is understated yet the dedication that earned him the role of captain is clear. He appears strong-minded and has not ruled out playing professional rugby after he
Bath
Netball 2nds
26 - 66
Netball 3rds
48 - 36
Women’s Badminton
W/O
Cambridge
Women’s Tennis
5-0
Gloucester
Women’s Volleyball
2-1
UWIC Bristol
Bristol
graduates, ‘It’s something I was seriously considering’, although he may pursue an alternative career in broadcast journalism. It appears a contentious issue amongst the 1st XV, but Cole is the man responsible for 7am mid winter training sessions at Talybont, ‘It was a Committee decision but the boys think it was my decision. I take the flak for that.’ Arduous thought it may be, there is perhaps method in the madness, ‘We shout as loud as we can, trying to wake as many freshers up as we can.’ Such dedication and commitment is typical of the man’s outlook, ‘We work hard, play hard. It’s all part of the University spirit.’ The 1st XV have experienced indifferent results in BUSA this year. A fine win this week against near neighbours and fellow promotion chasers UWE has put Cole and his team back in promotion contention. Cole talks enthusiastically, with a genuine and inescapable passion as
he outlines his side’s promotion credentials and aspirations for the season. Similarly, his disappointment at losing to the Medics, Cardiff ’s archrivals, is abundantly clear. Aside from that defeat, however, under his stewardship the 1st XV have fared well this season, including impressive victories against Bath and UWIC. Pressed to describe himself and his value to the team, Cole considers himself hard-working, committed and determined, qualities that are undoubtedly essential in a successful captain. It is typical of his outlook that he attributes such values of effort, rather than skill, although it is clear that he must possess this in abundance. Cole undoubtedly revels in his role as 1st XV Captain. It is time consuming and requires much effort and commitment away from the field of play, yet again he is quick to deflect the merest hint of praise onto others. He finds himself in his current role at a time of re-structuring of rugby at the University and thus now has the support of Rugby Development Co-ordinator Adrian Evans, who Cole claims reduces his own responsibilities considerably. James Cole is clearly a man who loves his sport and is an example of the opportunities this part of University life has to offer. His outlook is simple but clearly effective and one which others would do well to adopt, ‘I take it seriously but enjoy it.’
Cardiff cling on for win By James Cole
7-1
Men’s Basketball
GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FO
UWE BRISTOL 24 CARDIFF 33 THE UNIVERSITY 1st XV continued their recent run of form with a crucial victory over UWE Bristol. With the return fixture against league-leaders, Cardiff Medics, only one week away, this was a must-win game for Cardiff as they sought to keep their promotion dream alive. Cardiff started the game strongly, dominating the early possession., and it was not long before Cardiff opened the scoring. A series of well-worked phases and some skilful handling in the back-line created the space for prop Jack Bennett to emerge from his wing with a demolishing twenty-yard surge, followed by a pirouette to take him over the UWE line. Cardiff’s pack then began to turn the screw as they utilised their size advantage. A perfectly weighted chip from centre Chris Baxter gained Cardiff a scrum five metres from UWE’s try line, and an opportunity for Cardiff’s pack to strike. Taking this opportunity, Cardiff launched an eight-man drive that sent UWE backwards and number eight Owain Griffidds duly touched down. Another try was not long in coming. Following a turn-over inside
Cardiff’s half, winger Sean Madden quickly turned defence into attack, slicing open the UWE defence with some neat footwork, before putting flanker James Cole away for an easy run-in. Then a strong driving lineout and a series of pick-and-goes from the base of the ruck shook the UWE defence, enabling number eight Griffdds to drive over from close in and claim his second try of the afternoon. Full-back Mark Heywood converted both tries to give Cardiff a 24-0 lead. In the closing quarter of the first half, the game began to turn. Suddenly with ball in hand, UWE’s backs began to look dangerous. A period of sustained pressure provided them with two well-created scores before half time, both of which were the products of some skilful handling out of the tackle. The second half proved to be a far closer encounter than the first. Cardiff conceded a number of penalties, which ultimately allowed the Bristol side back into the match. Indeed it was UWE who
drew first blood. The home side’s number eight ran back a poor Cardiff clearance with interest, breaking some soft tackling to score between the posts. Cardiff did begin to tighten as the second half progressed and, despite UWE’s efforts, Cardiff ’s dominance up front proved too great a hurdle for the home team to overcome. Two second half penalty kicks from full-back Mark Heywood were all that stood between the two teams as UWE scored yet another try late in the second period. Heywood’s third penalty however, five minutes from time, extended Cardiff’s lead to nine points and put the result beyond any reasonable doubt. They now face archrivals Medics, who beat them not so long ago, in a crucial crunch match which could determine the fate of both sides in this year’s BUSA season.
IMG Sport
November 17 2003
Page 35
grsport@cf.ac.uk
Station Xpress themselves with first wins of the season By Beca Murphy IMG Chair AT LAST, both Xpress Radio and Xpresston Northend managed to tune their players to the correct frequency this week and win their first ever matches in the IMG league. The men stormed to a convincing 7-1
FOOTBALL RESULTS Group A Momed 2 Earth Soc 0 Law B 2 Economics 5 Cathays FC 0 Myg Myg 5 Accountancy 4 Optometry 0
Carbs A 2 Uni Hallstars 1 English Soc 1 Xpresston NorthEnd 7 AFCHistory 2 Irish FC 4 FC Real 2 Christian Union 1
Group C Jomec 2 Afro-Caribbean Soc 3 Carbs B 2 Accountington Stanley 3 John Jenkins 3 Planderlecht 1 Bute Park Utd 2 Mathletico Madrid 5
Group D Law A 11 Japsoc 1 The George FC 0 Chemsoc 1 Lokomotiv Engin 3 Athletico Roy 1 Gym Gym 9 Pharm AC 1
NETBALL RESULTS Group A Cardiff Uni C 10 English Soc 1 Law B 9 Cardiff Uni B 12 Optometry A 8 Medics 9
Group B Optometry B 1 The Marines 5 Cardiff Uni A 9 Pharmacy A 14 Chemsoc 14 Socsi 6
Group C Economics 5 Law A 10 Gym Gym 14 Pharmcy B 6 Carbs B v Sawsa postponed
Group D Comsoc 11 CPlan 5 Christian Union 9 Xpress Radio 11 Carbs A - Psychology
TENNIS
other. Play was stopped for a few minutes whilst the girls recovered from what could have been nasty injuries. Unlike IMG football, not a bad word was said by either team and there were no scuffles to be torn apart. The Marines, I’m sure, will be pleased with their performances this term, gaining another win against Optometry B 5-1, and placing them in Division One for next term’s league matches. With only two group matches left in football, the competition is hotting up. Luck isn’t really on Carbs’ side in
football either, with their B’s just missing out 3-2 to Accountington Stanley, but the As just about managed to hold on to their 2-1 victory over the Uni Hallstars. Momed are still at the top of their group with five wins under their belt, but creeping up behind them are Economics who bagged another three points, beating Law B 5 -2. There were convincing wins for both Mathletico Madrid and John Jenkins FC, whilst Jomec were robbed of what would have been a 2-2 draw against the Afro-Carribean Society, the winning goal being scored in the last minute from
FEATURED MATCH: Irish FC v. History By Thom Airs
Group A
Pic: Thom Airs
Momed v Economics Law B v Accountancy Cathays FC v Optometry Myg Myg v Earth Soc
Irish FC 4 History 2
with Hywel
CARDIFF WOMEN’S team entertained Cheltenham and Gloucester, winning convincingly, 6-0. The two doubles rubbers gave the team a solid start as both matches were won in comprehensive fashion. The good form continued as Charlotte Lines, Henrietta Eve and Anna Lambert only lost one game in their singles rubbers, before fourth seed Michelle Olver completed the whitewash. Meanwhile, the men’s team was unable to finish its away fixture at Bournemouth, as the
Group B
Irish FC: Nick Finley 7, Matt Webber 7, Steve Addy 8, Connor Crowley 7, James Wood 5, Ian Christopher 7, Andy Gibson 9, Olly Green 7, Andy Rachael 9, Greg Bull 9, Joe Durkan 7,
Carbs A v Xpresston NorthEnd English Soc v FC Real AFCHistory v Christian Union Irish FC v Uni Hallstars
Group C Jomec v Mathletico Madrid John Jenkins FC v Accountington Stanley Planderlecht v Afro-Caribbean Society Bute Park Utd v Carbs B
History: Iannis Panayiotopoulos 8, Adem Muzaffer 6, Alex Simm 8, Steve Bevon 8, Rob Martin 6, Stefan Harries 9,Will Parks 8, Alex Hoggart 8, Graham Eyre 7, Paul Young 9, Dan Kennedy 7,
Group D Law A v Chemsoc The George FC v Lokomotiv Engin Gym Gym v Athletico Roy Pharm AC v Japsoc
Star Man: Gibson Worked tirelessly and skilfully in midfield PONTCANNA’S GOALPOSTS certainly earned their keep in AFC History’s match with Irish. History were more unlucky than their opposition, hitting the post three times in the second half. However, Irish’s quick striker Greg Bull was denied a deserved hat-trick by the upright late on in the game. Irish had dominated the opening half an hour but on 35 minutes History’s Graham Eyre scored the first goal as he raced on to a long ball and poked the ball past Nick Finley in the Irish goal. Bull managed to hit back for Irish match was halted with the home side 3-2 in front. Honours were even following the doubles matches, as James Franklin and Toi Tee teamed-up to win the first rubber, but third and fourth seeds Raphael Olszyna-Marzys and Ed Martin lost the second tie. Cardiff claimed successes in the singles with Franklin and Olszyna-Marzys both winning in straight sets, but Martin was defeated in a final set decider. The men’s team will be aiming for a return to winning ways in next week’s BUSA fixture, while the form of the women’s team goes from strength to strength.
a free kick. Although sources say that four players were offside, and with the linesman’s flag high in the air, the referee chose to play on, resulting in a 3-2 win to the Afro-Caribbeans. Refereeing seems to be the achilles heel of the IMG, but with no funding for external officials, this dark cloud doesn’t seem to want to move. And it will, most likely, hang low over the IMG league for quite some time. Maybe it’s something that the IMG leagues could look to change for the future.
FOOTBALL WEEK 6
Entertainment value: 8/10
Group B
Bevan
victory over the English Society, while the women beat Christian Union 11-9, meaning that they now have some points on the board. A grand way of finishing the group matches for the netball girls, but it was not such a good end for last year’s champions Carbs A, who lost 13-10 to Psychology. This means that they will be in the Division One after Christmas. Law A managed to cut short Economics’ winning streak by beating them in an exciting game 10-5. In a very close match both teams gave their all to the point of Robyn Jelley and Jess Crozier colliding into each
NETBALL WEEK 6
Irish FC get lucky with two calm finishes from a succession of corners to send the team into half time 2-1 ahead. History began the second half brightly, largely due to the work of Alex Hoggart and Will Parks in midfield. However, on 53 minutes a corner from Irish was hooked into his own net by Stefan Harries. Despite going two goals down History battled on and Parks and Harries rattled the post twice in two minutes. History’s possession finally brought its rewards as substitute Kieran Kelly reduced the deficit by finishing powerfully after sprinting
Group A
Netball Pos
clear of Irish’s back-line. Again, the post came to Irish’s rescue as History’s Alex Hoggart struck a curling free-kick onto the base of the upright. Bull’s chance to claim his hattrick came in the 83rd minute but the striker unselfishly squared for substitute Tom Elizalde to tap into the unguarded net. The match finished 4-2 and Irish were just about good value for their win in this entertaining game. However, had it not been for the influence of the Irish woodwork, the score line may have been a different one.
P
W
D
L
F
A
GD
Pts
1 Cardiff Uni B
5
5
0
0
72
17
55
15
2 Law B
5
4
0
1
67
34
35
3 Medics
5
3
0
2
38
44
4 Cardiff Uni C
5
2
0
3
48
5 Optometry A
5
1
0
4
6 English Society
5
0
0
5
P
W
D
L
1 Law A
5
4
0
2 Economics
5
3
5
3
3 Gym Gym 4 Carbs B
4
2
Group B Comsoc v Optometry B Cardiff Uni A v Medics Socsi v Cardiff Uni A
Group C Economics v Christian Union Gym Gym v English Soc Carbs B v Sawsa
Group D Comsoc v Optometry B Economics v Christian Union Carbs A v Cardiff Uni B
Group B
I MG Pos
P
W
D
L
F
A
GD
Pts
1 Cardiff Uni A
5
5
0
0
90
21
66
15
12
2 Pharmacy A
4
3
0
1
53
24
32
9
-6
9
3 Chemsoc
4
3
0
1
53
27
26
9
44
4
6
4 The Marines
5
2
0
3
29
35
-6
6
41
47
-6
3
5 Optometry B
5
1
0
4
20
49
-29
3
3
64
-61
0
6 Socsi
5
0
0
5
19
57
-38
0
F
A
GD
Pts
P
W
D
L
F
A
GD
Pts
0
86
31
55
13
1 Psychology
5
5
0
0
83
20
15
0
2
48
25
23
9
2 Comsoc
5
4
1
0
54
39
63 15
0
2
49
32
17
9
3 Carbs A
5
3
0
2
64
38
26
9
7
4 CPlan
5
2
0
3
39
50
-11
6
5
1
0
4
21
77
-56
3
5
0
1
4
34
60
-26
1
0
2
25
Group D
I MG
Group C
I MG Pos
Group A Carbs A v Cardiff Uni B Gym Gym v English Soc Law A v Optometry A
29
-4
Pos
5 Pharmacy B
5
1
0
3
23
65
-42
6
5 Xpress Radio
6 Sawsa
4
0
0
4
9
58
-49
0
6 Christian Union
13
“We shout as loud as we can to wake as many freshers up as we can.”
Ben Wright
IMG
See how the gr hack got on when he spent the day with the ladies’ netball team P 33
Beca Murphy sums up another exciting week in the Inter Mural Games P 35
James Cole, page 34
email grsport@cf.ac.uk
17 November 2003 - Issue 750 By David Williams Sports Editor DESPITE BEING KNOCKED out of the World Cup quarter-finals by England, Welsh rugby has enjoyed a renaissance over the last fortnight which couldn’t and wasn’t predicted by anyone in the Principality. The goal before going down under was to simply reach the knock-out stages of the tournament, no matter how they got there. And, for nearly three matches against Canada, Tonga and Italy, Wales’ form was going with the book.
But whatever Steve Hansen and his players did in training before the New Zealand match certainly paid off for nearly an hour, going down 5337 having scored four tries. The brand of rugby they displayed harked back to the glory days of the seventies but it was Shane Williams not J J Williams who was flying down the wing. However, after running England close, Wales need now to get away from the tag of gallant heroes if they are to return to the top level of world rugby. The World Cup could just be the start.
Shane Williams escapes Jonny Wilkinson’s desparate lunge, but Wales can’t evade the old enemy
FULL REPORT: PAGE 33
The one that got away HART-BREAKERS CARDIFF 1sts 2 – 1
HARTPURY COLLEGE 1sts By John Tuscany Football correspondant SI GREEN’S WINNER 20 minutes from time propelled Cardiff to the top of the table, defeating a previously unbeaten Har tpur y College 2-1. This completed a second consecutive winning Wednesday for Men’s Football, with all four teams again victorious. Club Chairman Green was naturally jubilant. “For all four teams to come away with wins again
is testament to the work and effort put in by every single player at the club”. Not getting carried away with the club’s success, Green cautiously added “We are only halfway through the season though; the hard work starts now. We have set our standards and now we must keep to them” Hartpury started the match looking every bit the team that had sailed to the league summit, notching four wins in four games in the process. The midfield duo of Matt Kay and Ben Thomas struggled to come to terms with a confident Hartpury midfield, which increasingly began to dictate proceedings. The re-called Paul Avery soon
replaced Kay, struggling with a viral infection, and the ensuing tactical change by Coach Jamie Parkinson effectively changed the course of the game. This did not stop Hartpury going in front soon after, a free header after some undisciplined defending, but Cardiff began to show the commitment and desire warranted to fight back. As Cardiff pressure mounted, Platt and Avery both missed chances to equalise, before Will Thompson netted his first of the season five minutes before the break. The second half became a tense affair, both teams seemingly more worried about losing the game than collecting the win. It took two substitutions to ensure all three points stayed in Cardiff
with Simon Lewis and Mike Rabjohns coming on. Rabjohns had an imediate effect. Collecting a pass from Andy Myles, Rabjohns struck a 25 yard curling shot against the inside of the upright, only for Green to beat a stat-
ic defence to the rebound and smash the ball into the Hartpury goal, gifting Cardiff all three points. Cardiff will now go into the remainder of the season with fate in their own hands, and a league title firmly within their grasp.
PHOTO: John Tuscany Table-topping Cardiff battle it out with Hartpury at Llanrhumney
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